23 February 2010 11:57 AM

Numbers don't always tell the whole story, but they do tend to give a basic outline of the plot. In terms of entertainment, the divide between top-tier rugby in the north and south hemisphere has rarely been greater. That horrible disease of aerial ping-pong (Latin name: toomuchius kickius) is more epidemic than pandemic — and it's festering on these shores.

In round two of the Super 14 this weekend, 52 tries were scored. In round 15 of the Guinness Premiership, there were only 15 tries. Admittedly, the Super 14 had an extra game — including that ridiculous 72-65 Chiefs-Lions scoreline — but even so there were still, on average, an extra six (SIX!) tries scored per match. Total points scored? 458 compared to 175 over here. That's a lot more for your buck.

It must be conceded that some of the defensive efforts down under were laughable (for the sake of his heart, I hope Shaun Edwards wasn't watching) and the hard ground in South Africa, Australia and New Zealand at this time of year does accommodate and encourage running rugby. But our domestic league — so often proclaimed as the best in the world — cannot reasonably argue that tighter defences and stickier conditions alone can account for the gargantuan try-scoring difference.

The simple fact is Premiership gates will suffer unless the entertainment improves. People aren't going to pay to watch a kicking procession. The highest scoring game on the weekend was Bath's 37-13 victory over Worcester and even that scoreline is misleading. It was hardly 80 minutes of flowing rugby, and the late tries only came after the visitors were reduced to an unlucky 13.

Any suggestion of changing the rules brings back screaming memories of those unpleasant ELVs, but this column believes there are five simple ways to instantly improve the game. If it's broke, you might as well try to fix it. Rugby needs a revolution.

1. Introduce a kicking limit

Limit sides to a maximum number of kicks in their own half. This would not affect aggressive, tactical, attacking chips and grubbers but simply prevent the skyward conversations that have become the, ahem, height of fashion. Say each team can have 10 kicks in each half from behind the half-way line. It would encourage the counter attack and bring in an extra tactical element to the game — as well as rewarding clever kicking while punishing brainless punting.

2. Stop time after a collapsed scrum

Far too much playing time is now wasted on re-setting the scrum. Minutes are chewed up like the grass underneath the feet of the front rows. After a scrum collapses for the first time, the referee should call time off and the clock should only be restarted when the ball is back in play — ie as soon as either the No 8 or scrum-half plays the ball off the back of the scrum. It won't matter so much if a scrum collapses five times in a row because the clock won't be ticking down.

3. Use or lose rule

What was once a sight restricted to the final minutes of the game — when sides would happily stand and wait with the ball safely secured at the back of a ruck while time ticked away — has become common practice throughout the 80 minutes. It's incredibly dull for fans and incredibly easy to prevent. Sides have five seconds to use the ball once it's obviously sat at the back of a ruck. The referee calls it and warns the side to use or lose the ball. Teams will very rarely be penalised for the infringement (as they will have plenty of warning from the referee) but it will speed up the game, and improve the spectacle, instantly.

4. Breakdown law to favour attacker

Encourage sides to attack again by giving them the benefit of the doubt at the breakdown. Give the attacker a second to play the ball after hitting the deck. Former Wallaby flanker Phil Waugh claims the rule turns union into rugby league, but it doesn't. It just makes union quicker. The defence can still nick the ball, it's just harder to do. And that's not a bad thing for the game.

5. Quick-tap advantage

Sides should not lose the penalty advantage by taking the quick tap. If a player 'taps-and-goes' from a penalty, his side should have a couple of phases to try to take advantage of the opposition's infringement, but if the move proves ineffective, the attacking side should not lose the original penalty and play should be called back. It may seem drastic but just imagine how much more open play we would see on a weekly basis.

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17 February 2010 10:12 AM

While the national side toiled to such a woeful win in the eternal city (and those 80 minutes really did feel like forever), there was far more entertainment on these shores. Gloucester went on the rampage, Leeds got stuck in the mud, Saracens took the party to Wembley and Bath finally banked a try-scoring bonus point. I haven't added it up yet but it's probably safe to assume there was less kicking across all six Premiership games on the weekend than there was from Wilko's boot in Rome. If that's not true, it should be.

Geech effect? Try Redpath of righteousness

Knight of the realm though he is, the credit Sir Ian McGeechan has received for revitalising Gloucester's season is more scandalous than chivalrous. No doubt Geech will have a fantastic effect on life at the Shed when he does finally arrive to take on his new advisory role at the club (even if the title does make him sound like the players' new agony aunt), but as yet he has done zilch. Nada. And the modest McGeechan would be the first to say as much. Or maybe the second. In the face of a myriad of Geech-related questions, Gloucester head coach Bryan Redpath was as composed as you like. 'He hasn't even watched a training session yet. Nor was he at the shed today,' Redpath assured the press after watching his side annihilate an inexperienced Harlequins side 46-6. Redpath and his squad have turned Gloucester's season around. Nobody else. Not even Sir Lion himself.

No more playing the victim

Almost as if preparing for the inevitable, John Kingston offered an excuse for a Quins defeat before a ball had been kicked. Before sending a young side out to face a geed-up Gloucester, the Quins coach rambled on about losing star players to the England camp and the club being 'victims of their own success'. It jarred before kick-off and it certainly jarred 80 minutes and a 40-point deficit later. Kingston set his side up for a fall with such defeatism. Of course, Quins are never going to be as strong a side without the England trio of Nick Easter, Danny Care and Ugo Monye (not forgetting Chris Robshaw, who was also out in Rome as England back-up), but Kingston's attitude served as a prologue to what followed. It was hardly a stirring battle cry.

Stop breaking the law

Some laws are more important than others. Throwing a pass backwards is sacrosanct. It is the law that defines our game. If we allow the ball to be thrown forward in rugby, the game becomes a poor man's imitation of American football. Without the padding. Referees have long turned a blind eye to certain laws — feeding at the scrum anyone? — but forward passes are creeping into the game like never before. Often it is the officials on the sidelines who are better positioned to make the call, and in such circumstances they must intervene. No matter how short the pass, no matter how seemingly miniscule its forward momentum, referees must call the play back. Few things in rugby provoke a greater sense of frustration and injustice than a missed forward pass. Just ask the French.

Ground control a major problem

Spare a thought for groundsmen at this time of year. They spend all week preparing a pitch for the weekend while the weather fluctuates from freezing to pouring and then 30 enormous men rip it to pieces. And then they get in trouble. Leicester coach Richard Cockerill was not impressed by the Leeds pitch on the weekend and he isn't one to bite his tongue. 'The pitch was as bad as I've seen in a decade,' he said. 'You could put your boot in four, five or even six foot in some areas, the mud was that deep. If you want to play top end sport you have to have surfaces better than that.' To be fair to Cockerill he was perfectly entitled to say what he said — the pitch was, after all, orange — and he even graciously added that it was 'nobody's fault'. Still, it can't be fun being a groundsman at this time of year, stuck in the firing line and in the mud. Here's hoping the grass gets greener soon.

England needed Sinbad the brave

James Simpson-Daniel scored a hat-trick at the Shed on the weekend while England were preparing to kick the leather off the ball in Rome. Sinbad's catalogue of injuries has been well documented (it is positively Argos), but given the nature of England's performance, and the spark the 27-year-old is still capable of producing, one cannot help but mull over what might have been. The dummy scissors he conjured up against the All Blacks in 2002 still reigns as one of the greatest debut moments in Test rugby. How England could have done with a decade of Sinbad's twists and turns.

Sacking it in for lent

It's great to see the Premiership's finest supporting Childline and the kick-bullying-into-touch campaign by giving up something for lent. Apparently Steve Borthwick's giving up chocolate, while Paul Sackey's vice is desserts. The Wasps wing is off to France next year, although no confirmation as to exactly where just yet, but he spent Tuesday morning cooking up some pancakes with a few team-mates in the West End. Captions on a postcard please.

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02 February 2010 8:52 AM

It is that time again. The time of the season when fair weather sports fans claim so unconvincingly to be egg-chasers, ignorant patriots head to Twickenham and beyond for their annual jingoistic jaunt, and clubs in the Guinness Premiership turn on the stealth and fly under the radar. Their mission? To climb that table while nobody is watching.

For Worcester and Leeds, now is the time to pick up vital points and get out of the danger zone. For two months only, a shortage of star quality in the squad can be turned into an unlikely advantage. While the sides sitting pretty at the top of the table suffer from major disruption during the Six Nations, when many of their first team regulars are poached for national duty (some clubs, admittedly, suffer more than others), those at the bottom can use the comparative stability to propel their season forwards.

Thanks to a talented squad that was largely ignored by national team selectors, Newcastle began a run of form at this point last year that saw them leave Bristol alone at the bottom of the table. By the end of the Six Nations, the Westcountry club was never likely to catch up and, come mid-March, the Falcons seemed pretty much safe.

Way back in August, Leeds coach Neil Back would have targeted February and March as the two months on which success would depend. Given the fight his club have shown already this season, against clubs who should have destroyed them on paper, they are going to be thorny opposition from here on in. A glance at the calendar might suggest the fixture gods have not been smiling on the North — anybody else fancy playing Leicester, Wasps and then Saracens? — but you might as well face the best clubs in the league while their star men are absent with leave.

Gloucester and Bath must also use these two months to turn their respective seasons around and restore some pride to the Westcountry. It has been a horribly frustrating season for the Shedheads, with the side frequently hinting at a return to form, only to throw away any sense of consistency by playing like garden gnomes. But at last Bryan Redpath's men (possibly) look like they are ready to mount a serious charge up the table. Bath have suffered more than their neighbours from the curse of the England selectors. Matt Banahan, David Wilson and Shontayne Hape have been at their bullying best and their bulk and presence will be missed, but the club must salvage something from the wreck of this season and there won't be a better time to strike.

While the glamour rugby might be on the Beeb for the next couple of months, the gritty business of Premiership survival will be just as compelling for those paying attention.

Johnson's English gets lost in translation

More worrying rumours for the future of domestic rugby in this country. Lewis Moody and Dan Cipriani have been linked with lucrative moves across the Channel which would see them become the latest big names in the Guinness Premiership to be tempted by the lure of croissants and croissettes. Yes, les clubs in the Top 14 will soon be restricted by a salary cap that is similar in principle to the one currently in operation on these shores, but with a higher financial ceiling and legal loopholes over such things as image rights, is it really going to change much? There is one way to prevent the French exodus: stop picking players who don't play on these shores. Martin Johnson bravely suggested he might, but then ... well didn't. Wilkinson, Flutey, Haskell et al might be loving their Gallic adventure but it isn't good for the English game. Make instant exclusion a concrete rule and nobody can argue. C'est la vie.

It must be LV

The idea behind the Anglo-Welsh cup is clearer than its execution. A cup competition in which clubs can blood the youngsters in the squad, giving them a taste of big stadiums and big pressure yet not fret too much over the consequences, is invaluable. It should become a festival devoted to running, entertaining rugby. Tickets should be considerably cheaper and local schools should be brought in to support the local club for free. If seats are going to go spare, while more high-profile rugby takes place elsewhere, you might as well give potential fans a taste of what you can offer. But even more importantly, fans must be able to understand who needs to do what during the pools to advance to the latter stages of the competition. At the moment, supporters need a handbook just to know who they are going to face next.

Carlsberg don't do suspensions...

While the rest of the rugby world has turned positively draconian in its dishing out of punishments, the French remain wonderfully nonchalant. Thierry Mentieres, the coach of Top 14 side Bayonne, got in a bit of a strop while watching his side lose 23-19 to Racing-Metro at the end of December. He shared his feelings with the referee, obviously too clearly, and was hauled in front of the Ligue National de Rugby to explain why he so vehemently 'disputed the decisions of the match officials'. To make a short story shorter, he didn't have much of a case and he was found guilty. His punishment? A 20-day blanket ban from rugby that lasts until February 16. The only problem with that is Bayonne didn't have another game until February 20.

SANZAR referees lead the way

This is painful to admit but it must be said: congratulations to the Super 14. The SANZAR referees have got together for the sole purpose of improving the sport as a spectacle for next season. A review of the 2009 season has led to fundamental changes in the way the game will be refereed in the southern hemisphere this year, with a focus on freeing up the ball and creating clarity around the breakdown and the scrum. The most notable change is that an attacking player who is tackled now has a chance to 'play the ball' after hitting the deck. That vital moment should encourage teams to play more aggressively without fearing the instant turnover. Furthermore, players advancing from an off-side position during a 'kicking phase' of play will be penalised in order to encourage teams to counter attack. Such changes to the law should be commended, and we should take note.

Punishment is in the timing

You can understand Wales's frustration over initially losing full back Lee Byrne for the Six Nations opener at HQ because of something he did for the Ospreys in a European club match. To rugby fans it seemed harsh, to football fans it was nonsensical. If Wayne Rooney was not allowed to play for England in South Africa because of some yellow card he received at Old Trafford, there would be a national inquiry. But there is another difference. Most suspensions in rugby come from serious foul play and the most effective deterrent is a blanket ban from all rugby for a certain time period, regardless of who you play for and what else is on the horizon. Lee Byrne was very unlucky with the timing of his original ban, but — had his appeal been unsuccessful — it would have been a case of tough excrement, for him and for Wales. Punishment cannot be seen to bow to a fixture list. For the game's integrity it must be hoped that Byrne's appeal would have been equally successful had he only had a Magners League clash to prepare for on Saturday.