Thursday, August 28, 2008

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog, brought to you by Alzheimer's Patients For 9/11: We Will Occasionally Forget. So, we have another Tropical Storm coming. Hannah. Man, the kid's are going to love that, a storm named after Hannah Montana. I think the storm is sponsored my Disney. Coincicentally, the J storm will be called Jonas. Hey, that joke is one hundred percent original by the way. The Olympics are over at last. My DVR will no longer be full. During the closing ceremonies, Michael Phelps won two more gold medals. How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals. To me, that’s not the most impressive thing. The guy is actually swimming home from China. From the Olympics on to the Democratic Convention in Denver. The theme of this year’s convention is unity. Unfortunately they can’t agree on how it works . . . Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years. After all the naming problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a running mate with the last name Biden is beyond me. Obama-Biden — it’s like they’re trying to sound as much like Osama bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America that sound most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world. I would have gone with an Obama-Valderrama ticket. The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down to a game of Barack-paper-scissors. This week, Barack Obama is going to give his acceptance speech, and reportedly, it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen . . . and they say Obama isn’t black enough. Hey, Jen, Bon Jovi is an Obama supporter! To show support of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton gave a speech. Hillary’s speech was entitled, “Forget All Those Things I Said During the Primaries.” The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, “What Bush Got Right.” Newsweek says “What Bush Got Right” is the shortest cover story since January’s issue on famous Korean rabbis. It was so nice today in Florida, John McCain is buying a house here. Michelle Obama gave a great speech at the Democratic Convention. She said shehas been in love with Barack Obama ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Meanwhile, John McCain’s wife Cindy says she’s been in love with John McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave. Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they are giving out thousands of free condoms. They’re doing it in case John Edwards shows up. The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain’s campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. They told Bush that the convention starts in December. Hey, I just had a thought: since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American candidate, they should call it the Run-DNC. The publisher Simon & Schuster came out with a children’s book about Barack Obama. They also came out with a book about John McCain — “Horton Gets a Hearing Aid.” A woman in Illinois discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama. She could tell it used to be Obama’s because Hillary keeps trying to get into the driver’s seat. One more thing, I am gonna miss watching Misty and Kerri.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...Top Ten Least Popular Summer Olympic Sports10. Stationary Bicycle Racing9. Pomel Horse Riding8. Border Jumping7. Synchronized Sweating6. Rythmic Waterboarding5. Costas Throwing4. Javelin Catching3. The Andy Dick-athlon2. Greco-Roman SnugglingAnd the number one least popular Summer Olympic sport...1. The Madonna Four Man RelayAnd now I am officially done with the Olympics.

I WENT TO THE MOVIES

Tropic ThunderA group of ego-tastic Hollywood douche bags—the aging action hero (Ben Stiller), the coked-up comedian (Jack Black), the ultra–Method actor (Robert Downey Jr.), the rapper-turned-actor (Brandon T. Jackson), and the earnest newbie (Jay Baruchel)—find themselves inadvertently caught in a real war zone while filming a war movie. Stiller is at his best when he has a specific target in mind, and he lets go full blast on Hollywood. From the fake movie trailers (brilliant way to introduce each character, by the way) to the way the movie captures the so-far-up-their-own-assness of everyone in the film business, Tropic is not only hilarious, but it has some bite, too. A lot of the good jokes are spoiled by the trailers. If you haven't watched them, don't. But Tom Cruise is not only funny as a bloated studio head, he may have one of my favorite lines of the summer: "You take a step back—and fuck your own face!" Go see it. We're in the midst of a pretty good comedy winning streak here, so enjoy it. And the fact that Downey Jr. can bookend the summer with this and Iron Man is just amazing. From 1 to 10, I give it a 10.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home. When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” “The undertaker,” she replied.

R.I.P.

Cartoonist Lynn Johnston can't bring herself to abandon her fictional family. For years, the "For Better or for Worse" creator mulled retirement, then lightened her workload by creating flashbacks and repurposing the archives of her popular comic. Finally, she knew she needed to conclude the Patterson family's 29-year saga. This Sunday's cartoon is an adieu of sorts to readers, but not a final farewell. She announced this month that she would retell her strip's narrative, beginning Monday, by taking her continually aging characters back to 1979, but creating new artwork and some dialogue. Her syndicate says it's the first time a mainstream cartoonist has set out to tell the same story twice. What the reflective Johnston, 60, realized was that after decades of her identity and creativity and livelihood being linked to a comic strip, she wasn't ready to give it up. Which is why, on Sunday, the strip's fans will read Johnston's heartfelt salute as she comes to the endpoint of her characters' lives. (In the final chapter, for example, the original Patterson kids, Michael and Elizabeth, will forever remain grown and married.) And which is why, on Monday, the strip will time-travel back to 1979 and do it all over again, but with new drawings, new conversations, new wrinkles. (And in some cases, fewer wrinkles -- John and Elly Patterson will return to parenting tykes.) "It's going back to the beginning when Michael and Elizabeth were very young," Johnston says of the approach, which she is dubbing "new-runs." "I'm going back to do it how it should have been done. . . . I'm beginning with all this knowledge, so it's a much more comprehensive beginning. I only have an insular world of characters [from 1979] to work with." As far as Johnston knows, "new-runs" -- in which a strip's continual story line is retold -- have never been attempted by a syndicated cartoonist ("Nobody has done it before -- most people die or the strip ends," she says).

AUGUST 28TH IN HISTORY

1968U.S. Ambassador to Guatemala John Gordon Mein is shot to death after guerrillas force his car off the road in Guatemala City. It is the first assassination of a U.S. Ambassador in the line of duty.1988Three Italian fighter jets from the precision flight team Frecce Tricolori collide while attempting their "Pierced Heart" stunt during an air show at Ramstein Air Base in West Germany. The wreckage of one plane tumbles into the crowd and explodes, killing 40 spectators and seriously injuring hundreds more. The death toll reaches 69 two months later.1995Calvin Klein withdraws an ad campaign after drawing wide criticism for mimicking the look and feel of child pornography. Although all the underwear models were legal adults, they appeared to be adolescents photographed in a sleazy motel room.

GEEK TALK

Variety reports that Kristen Bell has signed to voice the female lead in the feature film adaptation of "Astro Boy". If you know your Astro Boy, you probably don't remember many female leads in the story, but hey, count your blessings if this is the only change in store for the classic manga tale. "Astro Boy" was written by Timothy Harris, and is the story of a boy robot who is abandoned by his creator and left to fend for himself in the wilds of Metro City. The robotic Pinocchio tale had it all, absent father figures, betrayal, and robot gladiators, you know, just your usual kid's story. Bell will be joining Nicholas Cage, Freddie Highmore, Nathan Lane, and Bill Nighy in Imagi Studios 3-D update of the classic manga. So while she may not be Harley Quinn (but I guess it doesn't hurt to fantasize), Bell has three other projects in various stages of production. Unfortunately, they seem to be the usual run of the mill romantic comedies that all young actresses seem to have to make at some point in their career. Bell will also be making a reappearance on TV's "Heroes" this season as the electrifying baddie, Elle Bishop. But none of these projects will get Bell fans hyped like the rumored "Veronica Mars" flick -- no matter how misguided that idea might be.Astro Boy is scheduled to arrive in theaters in 2009. And if it's 3-D, I won't be seeing it.

Well, that's it for the Phile this week. Next week the Phile will be updated on Thursday again. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, and I really think we'll get there. Tomorrow I have to get up early to go get my eyes checked, as right now I am pretty much seeing a blurry screen. Anyway, until next week, spread the word, not the turd, and thanks for reading. Peace.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. I am your host, the Cowboy Bounty Hunter. So, I am typing this in the middle of breeze Fay. Man, I fart stronger than that wind. Tropical Storm Fay was meant to be a Hurricane, but instead turned into a prick-tease of a storm. Disney did cancel all their fireworks shows tonight, just in case Fay turned into a real bitch. Once Fay is out of our lives tomorrow, then we have to focus on the next tropical storm which is Gustuv, the German storm. Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs . . . and that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room. Tropic Thunder opened last Friday. It makes fun of the war movies and all the actors that take themselves seriously. Some actors have even said to me, “You know Jason, making a movie is like going to war.” No, it’s not. It’s not even like a bitch slap. Tropical Thunder is what I call my summer turds by the way. All the late night talk shows on in repeats this week, so that's the monologue for ya.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

Fron the home office in windy Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list. Oh, by the way, the wind has really picked up here. I think a leaf almost fell off a tree.Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Weather Forecaster 10. "It looks like there's about a 70% chance of rain and about a 100% chance I'm going to get blind, stinkin' drunk tonight"9. "It's going to be a hot one today, so use this as an opportunity to make fun of a fat guy in a tank top"8. "I hope the heavy rains don't uncover the bodies I buried"7. "Today I am feeling unseasonably sexy"6. "Rain, sun, snow, sleet -- what's the difference? We're all gonna die someday"5. "I have no idea what any of this means, I should probably take a class or something"4. "There's a light trickle going on right now, which reminds me -- Sheila, would you get an appointment with Dr. Fisch for me"3. "Enough with the weather, let's take a look at my recent oral surgery"2. "After all this talk about rain, I gotta take a wicked leak"And the number one thing you don't want to hear from your weather forcaster...1. "Die, you millions of tiny, pathetic people, die!"

R.I.P.

Pervis Jackson: Despite his repeated assurances to the contrary, it now appears that the bass vocalist for the Spinners will not, in fact, be around.LeRoi Moore: I'd point out that since his accident, the Dave Matthews Band has arranged for a replacement named "Jeff Coffin." Unfortunate that they couldn't find someone named "Smith" or "Jones" to take over for him.

THERE IS A GOD

John Lennon's killer was denied parole for a fifth time Tuesday by a board that said he remains a threat to the public. Mark David Chapman will remain in New York's Attica Correctional Facility for at least two more years for gunning down the former Beatle nearly three decades ago on a Manhattan sidewalk. Chapman, 53, has been in prison for 27 years since pleading guilty to the murder, which he has said he committed to gain attention. He became eligible for parole in 2000 after serving 20 years of a maximum life sentence. In a one-page decision issued after Chapman's appearance Tuesday, parole board members said they denied his parole "due to concern for the public safety and welfare." The parole board said the although Chapman has had a clean disciplinary record since 1994, he told board members during the hearing that he planned and conducted Lennon's killing "with an essentially clear mind." A transcript of the 36-minute hearing, conducted by two parole board members, was not immediately available. Chapman, a former maintenance man from Hawaii, fired five shots outside Lennon's apartment building on Dec. 8, 1980, hitting Lennon four times in front of his wife, Yoko Ono, and others. Ono, who has previously written the parole board arguing against Chapman's release, did not offer any testimony in his latest hearing. "She was very pleased at the division of parole's decision," said her lawyer, Peter Shukat. He declined to comment further. Fifty people sent letters and 1,100 others signed a petition opposing his release, while three wrote in urging that he be set free, said Heather Groll, a state Parole Division spokeswoman. Chapman's next appearance before the board is scheduled for August 2010.

AUGUST 21ST IN HISTORY

1614Erzsebet Bathory, ruler of Transylvania, dies at 54. She had sought immortality by killing young virgins and bathing in their blood. It didn't work.1985Just seconds after stepping off the plane, opposition candidate Benigno Aquino is gunned down by assassins at Manila Int'l Airport, on orders of Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos.19861,700 people are killed in Cameroon when Lake Nyos emits a huge cloud of fast-moving fog, quickly enveloping the villages of Nyos, Kam, Cha, and Subum. The lethal mist, consisting mainly of carbon dioxide and water vapor, displaces the oxygen in the low-lying zones, killing thousands of cattle and even more birds and wild animals. One eyewitness later describes the landscape as being "littered with human remains and animal carcasses."1996Superfreak Rick James (prisoner J29237) is released from Folsom Prison after serving a two year sentence for drugs and assault. He had planned to marry his fiance, Tanja Anne Hijazi, upon release but she had been nicked for shoplifting a pair of boots two days earlier. They do make a cute couple.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A 46-year-old man has been found guilty of murdering a grandfather by forcing a walking stick down his throat. Paul Slack, of no fixed address, killed Alan Bowles, 64, at his home in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk. David Comer, 39, of Great Yarmouth, was found not guilty of manslaughter and murder but admitted perverting the course of justice. Kathleen Johnson, 57, also of no fixed address, was convicted of manslaughter and admitted assault causing ABH. Mr Bowles's stick was inserted into his body to a depth of 9in (22cms), jurors at Norwich Crown Court heard.They were also told Slack had taken £50 from Mr Bowles the night before the attack in May last year. When Mr Bowles confronted Slack about it, his walking stick was thrust down his throat and he died of his injuries. Slack and Johnson are due to be sentenced on Thursday. Comer was given bail and will return to court next month after pre-sentence reports are compiled.

ABSURD CLASSES TAUGHT AT ACTUAL COLLEGES

Super Smash Brothers Melee Theory and PracticeOffered At: Oberlin College in Ohio. I admit we've never heard of this college, but at first glance it seemed like a legit school of higher learning. I found out that it's actually a 175 year-old private and selective school, and one that is fairly well-regarded even though their mascot is a Yeoman. What would the 19th Century founders say if they could see their own classrooms used to teach a course on Super Smash Brothers Melee? Well they'd probably say something about how the magical box appears to be possessed by warring devils, at which point they would declare the whole operation to be the work of witchcraft and flee the room. But after we calmed them down they'd probably say something about how getting course credit for playing Smash Brothers is a bunch of bullshit. Most pseudo-classes like this come with a course description that tries to play up the supposed academic value. Here they've tried to tell us the course covers "controversial issues concerning video games." However the extra $3 course fee for wear and tear on the controller pretty much gives away the real purpose. The only controversy being discussed in that class is whether to tell your parents that this is how you are blowing your college fund that they put off kidney surgery for. Amazingly this course has 2.5 hours of class time a week, which is probably about 40 hours less than most of the students would normally play video games. Half of the course time is dedicated to time outside regular class time to practice and refine skills, time that may otherwise be wasted learning things that might actually lead to employment or sex.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.” The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.” The last man said, "I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

HEROES

This is going to please "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" fans. Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello is reporting that Seth Green, who played Oz on Buffy and currently is one of the brains behind "Robot Chicken", is joining NBC's "Heroes" this season. He'll have a multi-episode storyline with fellow "Robot Chicken"-er Breckin Meyer. They'll playtwo comic-book aficionados who cross paths with one of the heroes, though it's not certain right now which of the heroes they'll interact with, in what way, or what their character names are going to be. Is this good news for the show, or are we already starting to see too many new characters for the show so soon after new characters were introduced in the strike-shortened, fan-hated second season? I agree that it's an awfully large cast right now as it is, but I also understand that as the seasons go on and new plots develop, new characters are necessary. And having a fan favorite like Green (playing someone geeky) might be fun.

GEEK TALK

Warner Bros and DC Comics are in the midst of rehashing their strategy, opting for the slow and steady route. But there's one franchise that has his "reinvention" movie, as it were: Superman. Word is, Warner Bros is utterly torn as to what to do with him.Variety's Anne Thompson reports that the studio is really taking their time in deciding what to do, and how Bryan Singer will play into it. At this point, despite all the rumors and excited quotes from Singer, no one is working on a Superman script. Surprisingly, they're with the majority of fans on this one, and feel that the movie didn't revive the character the way they wanted, or the way they know it can be done. (You really have changed things, Christopher Nolan.) Thompson was told that the studio is making the Man of Steel a top priority -- and if Singer is willing "to go in the right direction," they'll keep him, if not, he's off the property. One executive freely admitted that "it might be better to start from scratch." Remember, Mark Millar and a "big name action director" who had connections at Warner Bros were readying themselves to make a Superman pitch. Millar claimed the world would know by December. Given that such sharks are circling, I won't be surprised if Warners does start from scratch. I'm as perplexed as anyone as to where Singer can go from Superman Returns. For a healthy franchise, they're going to have to reboot, and leave Returns in that misty category of a Donner long delayed sequel. What do you think? Reboot or continue Singer's storyline?

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

Things rarely go smoothly for costumed adventurers -- and the courtroom, it seems, is no exception. Nikke Finke reports that a federal judge has denied to dismiss 20th Century Fox's legal claim on Watchmen. You may remember that they filed a lawsuit back in February claiming that their rights to the DC property still held. They seek an injunction to prevent Warner Bros' adaptation of Watchmen from being released at all.And at this point, that federal judge agrees with them. Warner Bros, obviously, cries foul. They point out that several studios have tried to develop the property for years, with Fox saying nary a word, and passed up the chance to properly reacquire the rights some time back. Their view of the lawsuit is that it's just an opportunistic grab on a movie that has been gaining more and more buzz. You can read the whole legal chronology over on Deadline Hollywood (Finke's done a top-notch job of documenting the ins and outs) and see which side you come down on. It's exhausting -- isn't this what studios have lawyers for? To avoid this kind of last-minute litigation lunacy? It's unlikely that the movie will really be delayed -- but it is possible that Warner Bros. will have to hand Fox a substantial chunk of change in order to release the film, as they had to do for Dukes of Hazzard some years back. As one of Finke's readers noted, suddenly the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince schedule shift makes a lot more sense. The studio's 2009 budget could be pretty tight. Watchmen opens (hopefully) March 6th, 2009.

Okay, there you have it, the latest entry of the Phile. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, kids. Next week's entry will be on Thursday again. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, one more thing: You blew her mind fast as a bullet train. Thats what she gets for loving a hurricane.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Phile, the web's most updated blog. So, have you been enjoying the Olympics? I couldn't believe China has ordered restaurants to remove dog from their menus for the duration of the Olympics. That’s not good news for some fast food restaurants like Dog O Bell . . . McDognalds . . . and Ken-Puppy Fried Chicken. There are some sports in the Olympics that there never used to be. Beach volleyball? How is that a sport? Beach volleyball used to be a few girls playing volleyball and the boys would say, "Hey — there's some girls playing volleyball . . . wanna go over there?" Then they break the swimming up into different strokes. Can’t you just swim as fast as you can? It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It’s the same technology they use for John McCain. According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are both trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement. John Edwards is just trying to get her number. Not such a great week for Tom Cruise. He has been replaced in a movie by Angelina Jolie. Producers decided to go after a star that men lust after . . . rather than a star that men lust after. John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia. That’s ridiculous — everyone knows John McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet. Barack Obama said he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 . . . and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote. The Unibomber, Ted Kaczynski, wrote a letter from jail saying he’s angry that his cabin is now on display in a museum. Well, they think that’s what the letter says . . . everyone’s afraid to open it. Sources say Colin Powell is getting ready to endorse Barack Obama. Bad news for John McCain, but at his age, you’ve got to expect colon problems. Cindy McCain sprained her wrist. Doctors say it’s nothing serious — she probably did it cutting John McCain’s meat into little tiny pieces. Newly declassified documents show that Julia Childs, a famous chef, was a spy. I like to spy on things in my kitchen . . . then I interrogate them in my tummy.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list:Top Ten Signs You're At a Bad Summer BBQ10. The hamburger in your bun just winked at you9. Instead of grill marks on the meat you see tire marks8. It's Taliban vs. Al-Qaeda in the volleyball game7. Lindsay Lohan won't stop complaining that she doesn't like meat6. The host asks how "gamey" you like your squirrel5. The invitation says "BYOBBQ"4. The guy cooking asks you want a thigh, leg or arm3. The "grillmaster" is using his own sweat to baste the baby back ribs2. No one could afford fuel for the grillAnd the number one sign you're at a bad summer BBQ1. It's in February

R.I.P.

Bernie Mac: Are you seeing this America? This man's in a box in the ground!Isaac Hayes: They say this cat Hayes is a dead mother- (Shut your mouth!) No, really, it was on the news (Then we can dig it!)DOUCHE OF THE WEEK

He obviously went to the Brett Favre School for Public Speaking... US swim legend Mark Spitz won't be on hand in Beijing if Michael Phelps breaks his record of seven gold medals at a single Olympics -- because, he says, no one bothered to invite him. Spitz said the International Olympic Committee, a US television network or FINA -- the international body that governs world swimming -- should have brought him to the Games this year, with Phelps making a go at his record. "I never got invited. You don't go to the Olympics just to say, I am going to go. Especially because of who I am," Spitz told AFP in Hong Kong. "I am going to sit there and watch Michael Phelps break my record anonymously? That's almost demeaning to me. It is not almost -- it is." Spitz became one of the most famous athletes in the world at the 1972 Munich Olympics, winning seven gold medals -- with seven world records -- in what many consider to be one of the greatest achievements in all of sport. Phelps is aiming to better that mark in Beijing, hoping to bring home eight golds. And Spitz, now 58 and grey and without his trademark moustache, cannot understand why he wasn't asked along to see the show. "They voted me one of the top five Olympians in all time. Some of them are dead. But they invited the other ones to go to the Olympics, but not me," he said. "Yes, I am a bit upset about it." Now a stockbroker and motivational speaker, Spitz also thinks he could have won eight golds himself in Munich if only he had had the chance. "I won seven events. If they had the 50m freestyle back then, which they do now, I probably would have won that too," he said. Spitz, whose brief stint in show business in the 1970s never quite matched his success in the pool, said he attended the Athens Olympics four years ago -- when Phelps also tried to break the record. "They did not once put my face on television," he recalled. "But as soon as the swimming was over, and Michael Phelps didn't break my record, every time I went to beach volley, they put my face on the volleyballs." Spitz said it would have been a great idea if he could be the one presenting the gold medals to Phelps, who has for years been candid about his ambition to eclipse the mark of seven golds. And Spitz thinks Phelps will succeed -- for one very good reason. "He's almost identical to me. He's a world-record holder in all these events, so he is dominating the events just like I did," Spitz said. "He reminds me of myself."

AUGUST 15TH IN HISTORY

1057Macbeth is killed in the Battle of Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He had been king of Scotland for 17 years.1935Will Rogers, the most famous man in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when his sea plane plunges into a lagoon. At the time, he and one-eyed aviator Wiley Post were surveying possible flight paths between Seattle and the Soviet Union.1969Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 for three days of counterculture musical acts, including Jimi Hendrix, The Who, and Sha-Na-Na.1994International terrorist Carlos the Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by the Sudanese government after he checked into a Khartoum hospital for varicose vein surgery on one of his testicles.

LOGAN AND I GO TO THE MOVIES

Star Wars: Clone WarsHaving alienated every actor with whom he's ever worked, George Lucas has now decided to make animated Star Wars movies. Clone Wars basically treads the same ground asthe animated shorts from Cartoon Network (called, um, "Clone Wars"), only with computer animation and fewer good ideas. Remember when Mel Brooks made Spaceballs? Well, George Lucas has decided to cut out the middle man and make his own Star Wars parodies. Not laughing? Too bad, because Clone Wars thinks it's hilarious. (Seriously—was anyone clamoring for more jokes in their StarWars movies?) The only one laughing is Lucas. At you. Fan boys, your god has not only abandoned you, he's now going around telling everyone what idiots he always thought you were. If the rationalization for the prequels was that they were "meant for kids," then this piece of half-assery must be meant for the even slower kids. Anakin Skywalker's new padawan is a mall rat teen who gives things "cute" nicknames. "Skyguy"? "Snips"? "Stinky"? "R2-y"? Oh, you read that right. She calls R2-D2 "artooey." Feel free to go ahead and fall on your replica light saber any time now. Oh, and another thing: Did you know Jabba the Hutt had a CROSS-DRESSING GAY UNCLE? Well, he does. And no, we're not joking. Yuck it up, Lucas. Joe Jackson didn't shit this hard on childhoods. From 1 to 10, I give it a 3, but Logan loved it.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant? A: Because Ken came in a different box.

BALLIEST SPORTS CHEATS EVER

The Spanish Rig the ParalympicsOne thing people would never sully with deception is the Paralympics (which is like the Special Olympics, where people with disabilities compete). Right? Who would stoop as low as that? The short answer: the Spanish. In an act of desperation so pathetic it inspires pity, some of the players on the Spaniards' gold medal-winning Paralympic basketball team turned out not be disabled at all. Yes, that "South Park" episode and that Johnny Knoxville movie both turned out to be based on a true story.Undercover journalist, Carlos Ribagorda, blew the lid off the scandal. You may assume that only one or two of the overall squad was ineligible, but that would be underestimating the desperation of the Spanish. A whopping 10 of the 12 members of the basketball squad had no mental difficulty. They were just athletes that sucked enough to not make it into the Olympic team. Did itwork? The Spaniards were disqualified from the basketball competition and stripped of their title. There was no evidence of any wrongdoing in other Paralympic events, and we're going to accept that the rest of them were disabled. The alternative, which is that most of their athletes were normal and yet only finished third overall, is too sad to contemplate.

WHO'S WATCHING THE WATCHMEN?

One of the trickiest aspects of a Watchmen movie is Rorschach's secret identity. In the book, you're kept guessing as to who is under that shifting mask -- and when you find out who's really under it halfway through, it's a nice little shocker. He's not the badass you expect, for one, nor is he a stranger. The real Rorschach has been there all along.In a fantasy world, the casting could have remained secret, making it one hell of a surprise when his mask is taken away. But this is the real world of movie casting and marketing, and so a name and face has to be attached ... and really, it's just another reminder you should read the book so you can enjoy the surprises firsthand. Even so, a glimpse of the man under the mask has surfaced on JoBlo, who snagged a screencap from G4. Apparently, G4 was busy showing the people at home all the coolness of Watchmen -- and one of the things they revealed was Jackie Earle Haley without his face. For devotees of the book, it should be reassuring, especially as I heard people wondering aloud how Zack Snyder planned to "fix" the bald Haley. (Count me impressed on the greasy detail of his clothes.) Watchmen opens March 6th, 2009.

There you go, phans, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be posted next Thursday. Yes, it's back on Thursdays! I want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, so please spread the word, not the turd. Until then... I broke a thousand hearts, before I met you, I'll break a thousand more baby, before I am through, I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone, I'm here to tell ya honey, that I'm bad to the boneBad to the bone, B-B-B-Bad, B-B-B-Bad, B-B-B-Bad, Bad to the bone.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the most updated blog on the internet. There’s excitement in the air over the Olympics . . . also lead, arsenic, benzene . . . Let the respiratory failure begin. The government of China says it is going to prevent rain at the Beijing Olympics by shooting dust into the clouds. Because that’s the problem with Beijing — there’s not enough crap in the air. The government of China guaranteed that the Beijing Olympics will be safe. They know the Olympics will be safe because they’ve already written the next three weeks of news stories. President Bush is in China for the Olympics. He’s there for the opening ceremonies. While he’s there, he’ll be looking for lo mein of mass destruction. I think the U. S. will do great this year, especially in the swimming. Dick Cheney looks great for the waterboarding. The government of China announced that during the Olympics it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat. Which brings new meaning to the phrase, "Hello, Kitty."More bad news for air travelers. U.S. Airways began charging passengers on its flights for water. Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated. Bill Clinton told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Apparently Clinton likes to start off every speech with a joke. This week in Atlantic City, N.J., security guards kicked a 440-pound man out of a casino. The security guards started kicking the 440-pound man out on Monday and finished on Thursday. The Department of Labor just announced that unemployment hit a four-year high. Actually, it might be higher than that. The guy doing the survey was laid off. JetBlue is now charging $7 for a blanket and a pillow. So now you’ll be able to get a solid eight hours’ sleep on the runway. Larry King is getting divorced. He’s been married seven times. A lot of people just can’t seem to make a go of divorce. There are rumors that Katie Holmes is pregnant again. There were new photographs that showed she had a tiny baby bump, but the rumors were false. It was just Tom she had tucked under her shirt. A new poll done by the Lifetime Network, shows that more women would rather carpool or go on vacationwith Barack Obama than John McCain — 51 percent for Obama to 31 percent for McCain. That 31 percent fell to just 2 percent when the poll specified that McCain would be driving. The guy who used to be Osama bin Laden’s chauffer, Salim Hamdan, has been found guilty of supporting terrorism and also using an expired E-ZPass. It wasn’t just Osama bin Laden, he drove for a lot of celebrities — though he says the only celebrity he ever really got along with was Mel Gibson. Hey, the Chinese threw a big state dinner for President Bush. Do you know what they served in his honor? Peking lame duck. Ryan Seacrest has broken up with his girlfriend of three months. Seacrest says he’s not going to miss his girlfriend, but he is going to miss borrowing her jeans.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Lame Olympics Opening Ceremony 10. Vandals have stolen three of the five Olympic rings 9. It's the summer Olympics, but the temperature is in the low 30's 8. Announcements made in English, French and Klingon 7. Beijing looks a lot like Newark 6. Sponsorship deal requires athletes to dress as delicious Hot Pockets 5. Every country's anthem is "Who Let the Dogs Out?" 4. Pyrotechnic display consists of Don Rickles dropping his pants and firing a rocket 3. The BMX bikers are doing a very creepy tribute to Brokeback Mountain2. You find yourself reading the Phile instead And the number one reason you're watching a lame Olympics opening ceremony...1. Michael Phelps is drinking O'Doul's

R.I.P.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: A somewhat harsher form of exile than the usual, imposed by a somewhat higher authority.Skip Caray: Might as well, now.Lou Teicher: Exodus.

And now for the...

A PEVERETT PHILE OLYMPICS UPDATE

To all you who refuse to follow this years games because of human rights issues: you have my complete sympathies. But the Dalai Lama in exile wants the Olympics to go on. In a prelim match in women's soccer, Norway scored 2 quick goals in the first four minutes to beat the US 2-0.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce. Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren't arriving fast enough. Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police. When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls. Peterson did not have a listed phone number.

AUGUST 8TH IN HISTORY

192540,000 robed Klansmen march down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C. -- a bit less than 1% of total Klan membership.1960Brian Hyland's song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" reaches number one on the pop charts.1963By tampering with railway signals, a 15 man team halts the Glasgow-to-Euston Royal Mail train in Buckinghamshire. The criminals make off with 120 sacks containing £2.6 million in cash. The incident goes down in history as "The Great Train Robbery."1973Elmer Wayne Henley confesses to killing his partner, David Owen Brooks, and to the the sadistic murders of 27 teenage boys beginning in 1970. Following Henley's instructions, police dig up 27 bodies before calling off the search. This beats Juan Corona's record of 25 victims.

And now for...

2008 (COUGH) OLYMPIC PREVIEW (COUGH)

Track and FieldJamaicans Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell square off against the U.S.'s Tyson Gay for the title of world's fastest human in Beijing. Barely see this year's track action through all the soot and ash beginning Friday, August 15 on NBC!SwimmingEveryone knows U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps is the sport's current golden boy, but Team Australia—captained by Grant Hackett—boasts six world record holders. Plus, they've been training on a strict diet of algae and dog parts specifically for these games. Catch the head-to-head action starting August 9.BasketballThat sound you hear is raucus applause—and the hollow cough of onsetting emphysema—every time Team USA takes to Beijing's hardcourts. Gather 'round and root for LeBron, Kobe, Carmelo, and the rest of these scrappy underdogs bright and early on August 10.CyclingAmerica's Sarah Hammer is hoping to put the…surname…down on the cycling track to prove that her two-time individual pursuit world championships were no fluke. She's believed to be the States' best hope for a gold medal, assuming she can slog her way through rush hour traffic in time for the race Saturday, August 10 at 2 PM.Beach VolleyballThe U.S. lays claim to the most dominant duo in the history of women's beach volleyball in Misty-May Treanor and Kerry Walsh. Grab a good vantage point (and particle filter mask!) and catch all the tight, well-toned, and amazingly firm action Saturday, August 9 at 11 AM.

DOCTOR WHO

The latest season of "Doctor Who" gets resolved with a story that seems rushed, confusing and filled with self-love on the part of showrunner Russell T. Davies. But that doesn't necessarily mean it was bad. To begin, the CGI and special effects are quite possibly the best ever seen on the show. Despite being in charge of the specials that will be airing next year, it seems that this episode was treated as the last that Davies will ever run. As a result, he wrapped up most every storyline he could think of going back to the first season. "Journey's End" did have more than its share of disappointments. Due to the sheer complexity of the story (I won't even bother pointing out the logical plot inconsistencies. It would take too much time), it was difficult for any of the Doctor's companions to get much screen time. It would be best to give a character-based review rather than a story-based one. The Doctor: Having the Doctor regenerate into himself (and create a clone from the regeneration to boot) felt like an easy cop-out. Does this mean Tennant is both the tenth and the eleventh Doctors? Does the character only have two regenerations left rather than three? The duplicate did keep with the season's overall recurring theme of cloning (and, in a looser sense, teamwork). The entire "half-human" concept seemed a wink to the 1996 TV movie with Paul McGann. Since this series pretty much definitely denies the assertion that the Doctor is half-human, now fans will have to figure out why he believed he was way back when. His inhuman side came out again when he had to wipe Donna's mind. This part of him was last seen at the end of last season's episode "The Family of Blood." Donna: I firmly believe that the next Doctor should be female and Catherine Tate convinces me even further in her role as a half-Time Lord this episode. Her behaviors once she absorbed a Time Lord intellect were fun to watch. She is without a doubt my favorite companion of the show, making her loss of the memory and personal growth she experienced with the Doctor ever more tragic. She went back to being the snarky, shallow woman she was in "The Runaway Bride" (and she even lost her memory of that). Still, Rose came back when she supposedly couldn't so I'm hoping we haven't seen the last of Donna Noble. Rose: The Rose/Mickey relationship was always destined to fail. That was easy for anyone to see. It was nice for Rose to get her wish of a romance with the Doctor (albeit a half-human copy). Jackie Tyler remained comic relief. I know she loves Rose, but why was she even on the mission? Mickey Smith, Martha Jones and Torchwood: Both are being set up to join Torchwood. Mickey Smith's defection to Torchwood was surprising but somehow appropriate. Martha Jones, on the other hand, was easily being groomed for that role to replace the fallen Owen. I wouldn't mind seeing a romance between the two since they're such different characters (Martha is analytical and Mickey is street-wise). It's ironic that even in death, Tosh is still saving the team. Captain Jack remains the same. It was nice to see the acknowledgment of Eve Myles role in "The Unquiet Dead" from the first season. Sarah Jane: The only current character other than the Doctor who was there when Davros first created the Daleks. It was a nice touch when Davros remembered her. It was also nice to see K-9 again for an instant. Harriet Jones: I was hoping she would come back as some sort of revenge-crazed harpy, but I was mistaken. Rest in Peace, Harriet. Davros and the Daleks: As usual, we didn't see Davros die so he could still possibly return. Ilike how they kept his Sith Lord electric finger ability from the classic series. The Nazi origin of the characters are evident when the Daleks are flying around speaking German after Martha teleports to Germany. The Daleks are notoriously simple creatures, despite their homicidal tendencies. Dalek Caan proved the exception (being the second member of the Cult of Skaro to realize what the Daleks actually were). Davros also managed to retain his complexity by doing what other villains do: showing that the Doctor is in his own way just as monstrous as he is. It's the sort of self-justification that evil people often do. Other points: Continuing his love of anagrams, Osterhagen is "Earth's gone" with the letters rearranged. While I recognize the deaths shown in the montage were only from the relaunched series, the Doctor's interference when the classic series is taken into account has resulted in many more deaths. I guess they didn't have enough time to show them all. Bernard Cribbins also delivers a fine performance, particularly at the end of the episode. It was an exciting season overall. Quite possibly the best the new series has yet produced. While Davies seems to be making it up as he goes along, he can still produce a decent story.

GEEK TALK

Halo: The Fall of Reach: While that old Halo movie is dead and buried, the property may still have a little life left when it comes to a big-screen adaptation. Stuart Beattie wrote a draft of a script based on the 2001 novel by Eric Nylund, which served as a prequel to the first game in the series. Now, Latino Review has snagged a piece of concept art from Kasra Farahani (Wolf Man, Spider-Man 3, Hancock) that's accompanying Beattie's script and will be part of an eventual presentation to Microsoft. Hang on Halo fans, they're trying to make this happen for ya ...Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: We now know what Shia LaBeouf's next ride might be, and it's definitely not a used 2001 Honda Accord. Oh no, CHUD reports that Megatron will be back in the sequel! Not a giant reveal, I know, but they also claim -- possible spoilers -- that the baddie from the first film might come back to help the Autobots defeat "a new menace." (Some say that menace is The Fallen, some say it's LaBeouf's future parole officer -- I'll check our sources and get back to you.) Not only that, but Megatron might return as a tank this time. Hopefully said tank will offer up enough protection from, ya know, tight corners and multiple shots of whiskey. Mummy 4:Yesterday, I heard someone call Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor the worst movie of all time. Really? Was it that bad? Or are people ganging up on it because it's a fun thing to do? Anyway, speaking to MTV it would seem Brendan Fraser, Maria Bello and director Rob Cohen are all set for another round of Mummy awesomeness. AND they want to film the next sequel in Latin America! On the potential room for more, Cohen says, "What I'm really happy about is that, by taking 'The Mummy' out of Egypt and putting it in China, by exploring a different approach to the quest for immortality, we now have it clear that the 'Mummy' franchise can travel. Now we know that if we want to go to Mexico or we want to go to Peru, we can because there's a cultural truth there of the mummies and these beautiful cultures. They have a lot of mummies. The Aztec culture had a lot of mummies and some of their mummy designs for the Foundation Army were taken from Mexican mummies that they have found. So I think that somehow that might make the basis of a good story." Um, something tells me the rest of the planet might pass on this one. You?Justice League: Holy crap, I think we got a pulse here! Word has it Warners is actively developing that solo Green Lantern movie with Common starring as the superhero (Slashfilm via Production Weekly), but also that the Justice League flick might still be lingering around, waiting for a few more hugs. Speaking to Jay Baruchel (who was set to play a villain in the film), Joblo snagged this quote: "Well it's been postponed indefinitely. And it keeps getting postponed. And each time it gets postponed, the chances of it getting made seem to decrease...It's never been officially over. So there's always that. In a heartbeat I would drop whatever I had going on to do that. That movie and what I get to do in it is like nothing I've ever seen or would ever get a chance to do again." Ya know, I kinda think I'd pay to see Baruchel play the villain in a superhero movie. Crazy, I know, but something tells me that would be fun as hell to watch.

There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, so talk it up. Send the link to your friends. You know, spread the word, not the turd. The next entry of the Phile will be posted next Friday again. In the meantime, thanks for reading, and enjoy the Oympics. 'Nuff said.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Rabbit. That's the first thing you should say on the first of the month for good luck. Welcome to the Phile, people. What a day we had. We went to the Magic Kingdom about 4:00ish, only to find it's the last of the summer block out days for Cast Members. Logan was disappointed, and I was hungry, so we went to the Grand Floridian Resort and ate dinner with Cinderella, her gay looking Prince and her step mother and two step sisters. When the Prince came over to the table I though he was the waiter. Then we went to the Disney Hollywood Studios where eveything was about to close. I did buy two t-shirts and Logan got a new whip and Indiana Jones hat. It's not about the rides and shows, it's about spending money. A guy goes to Wendy’s, orders the chili, and finds a dead rat. Wendy’s was outraged. They said, “Dead mouse? It was alive when we put it in there!” Then they said, “Oh, don’t worry about it — it’s a Disney promotion.” Barack Obama has been overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. He’s been so successful at campaigning abroad that he’s actually thinking of campaigning here in the United States. He spoke to a half million people in Germany. A half million. While he was doing that, John McCain wasn’t laying around. McCain was out driving in his driveway and backed over the mailbox.During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. George Michael says he’s been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut. Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby. I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger. Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus. In St. Louis, a church group is holding prayer services at gas stations asking God to lower fuel prices. If it works, the church will hold a prayer service at Starbucks. Officials at the Beijing Olympics have begun evaluating athletes to determine their gender. Trust me, there's nothing worse than hearing, "I guess that's technically a penis." In other Olympic news, China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don't want to giveaway too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch. He's fine now, but the other day "American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest was swimming in the ocean, and he was attacked by a shark. Marine biologists say the attack occurred because Seacrest was too far from shore and the shark knew who he was. President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off.THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is tonight's top ten list...Batman's Top Ten Pet Peeves10. Not being selected for "Dancing with the Stars"9. Having to use the bathroom while hanging upside down8. Still can't figure out how to defeat that thing on Donald Trump's hair7. Having a mask-tan in summer6. When Aquaman jumps out of the toilet and scares the bejeezus out of him5. They've put a Starbucks in the Batcave4. Batmobile only gets 12 MPG3. Robin's writing a tell-all book2. Still waiting in line for the new iBatphoneAnd the number one Batman pet peeve 1. Madonna keeps calling for a date

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

Authorities are searching for a man armed with a machete who held his family against its will while saying he was Jesus and forced his 13-year-old sister to recite and write the Lord's Prayer within seven minutes, Lake County sheriff's deputies said. Venel Piervil, 24, threatened to kill his mother and two sisters, ages 7 and 13, while holding them Thursday night at a home located on Heather Street in Mount Dora, deputies said. During the incident, Piervil made his sisters recite the Lord's Prayer and forced the 13-year-old to write it within 7 minutes, threatening to kill her if she didn't comply, deputies said. Piervil's mother was able to flee the residence to seek help, Lake County sheriff's deputies said. Deputies said Piervil then fled with his two sisters in a 1999 Chevrolet van and went to his aunt's residence on Gorham Road in Mount Dora, deputies said. The aunt told deputies that Piervil had held them against their will at her residence and took cell phones and car keys prior to his departure. Piervil also stated that it was Judgment Day and that he was Jesus, deputies said. The aunt said Piervil may have headed to a residence in Gainesville, deputies said. Both children were later located and were unharmed, deputies said. The location where they were found was not released. No adults were injured. Detectives have obtained an arrest warrant for Piervil that charges him with two counts of kidnapping and one count of false imprisonment. Piervil is described as an African-American man about 6 feet tall and 175 pounds. The vehicle he was last seen driving is described as a bronze 1999 Chevrolet conversion van with a "Jesus" sticker in the rear window.

AUGUST 1ST IN HISTORY

1589King Henri III of France is assassinated by a crazy Jacobin monk. Among his crimes are opposing the Catholic League, and his love of... handsome young men.1936Adolf Hitler presides over the opening ceremony of the Olympics. The Chancellor of Germany announces: "I proclaim the games of Berlin, celebrating the eleventh Olympiad of the modern era, to be open." The whole thing makes for a great film by Leni Riefenstahl.1954The middle and lower reaches of the Yangtze River overflow, submerging 8 million acres. The floodwaters kill more than 30,000 Chinese and displace 18.9 million others.1966Former Eagle Scout and United States Marine Charles Whitman carries a sniper rifle onto University of Texas at Austin. There he climbs to the top of UT tower and begins firing indiscriminately at dozens of people, killing 13. Whitman is finally taken out 96 minutes later by three Austin PD officers.1971"The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour" debuts on CBS television as a summer replacement show.1981Cable music network MTV launches, by airing "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles, followed by Pat Benatar's "You Better Run." That's right, kids: once upon a time, MTV actually played music videos.1994Trading on the NASDAQ stock market is halted for 34 minutes after a squirrel commits suicide by gnawing through a power line near the organization's computer center in Trumbull, Connecticut. Systems in place to perform automatic switchover to standby generators didn't exactly, uh, work.

BAD ASS PRESIDENT'S OF ALL TIME

Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy,the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill. Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible face of death, and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand. And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it. It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again. The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking. Did I mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him. Greatest Display of Badassedry: While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include: "A cold." "A stubbed toe." "It's raining." "There's a spider near the door."Most Badass Quote: This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass. Some men have to work to become badasses. But some are just born into it.

I GO TO THE MOVIES

The X-Files: I Want To BelieveHaving presumably parted ways years ago, former FBI agent Scully (Gillian Anderson) now works as a pediatric surgeon, while a bearded Mulder (David Duchovny) secludes himself in the West Virginia woods, clipping newspapers like an alien-obsessed Unabomber. It'll take shady medical practices, a federal manhunt, and the psychic ramblings of a priest with…wait for it…a history of pedophilia to get the duo back together! All of the elements that made the TV series so addictive are present: Spooky villains? Check. Mind-bending theories? Check. A skeptical Scully and a crazed Mulder? Check. Creepy Casio music? Check! But despite displaying the skeletal structure of the successful show, this flick just feels empty and ultimately very disappointing. You want to care, but don't. And in the end, you realize the movie never gave you anything worth caring about. And you'll notice that the deep snow, high alpine peaks, and craggy apexes of so-called "West Virginia" look a bit unrealistic. That's because this flick was primarily shot in British Columbia. But who needs accuracy when you're dealing with the paranormal? I give it a six, from a scale of one to ten, but being a fan of the tv series, I probbaly will buty it on DVD, just not full-price.

DOCTOR WHO

Russell T. Davies seems to include everyone and the kitchen sink in this episode. Appearing in the parent program are Captain Jack, Ianto and Gwen from "Torchwood" and Sarah Jane and Luke Smith from "The Sarah Jane Adventures". Also making appearances are Martha Jones, Martha's mother Francine, Harriet Jones (former Prime Minister...yes, we know who you are), and British celebrities Richard Dawkins (real-life husband of former "Doctor Who" companion LallaWard) and Paul O'Grady as themselves. Oh, and Rose is back. The Daleks prove themselves to be the cockroaches of the universe when they once again save themselves from extinction. I find it hard to believe that the emergency temporal shift of Dalek Caan at the end of "Evolution of the Daleks" saved Davros (who is a marvelous combination of Hitler and Stephen Hawking) from certain death in the Time War. Why could a Dalek, no matter how enhanced, get through the time lock on the event? Caan's insane, precognitive ramblings are kind of fun to watch. No Dalek has ever behaved like that before. I like how the Medusa Cascade and the Shadow Proclamation are finally defined. The Shadow Proclamation is a weird name for a police force though. Why wasn't it mentioned in the Judoon's first appearance in "Smith and Jones" that they worked for the Shadow Proclamation? Did I miss that part? At least we now know why the bees went missing and we get a piece of the puzzle regarding the missing planets. I liked how the sets from "Torchwood" and "The Sarah Jane Adventures" are used for those scenes involving the characters. It's a good way for the series to save money by using pre-built sets. The episode was building to a Doctor/Rose reunion, but that was interrupted by a Dalek gun. To my knowledge, this is the first time the Doctor has ever been directly shot by a Dalek. The Dalek guns scramble organic matter, so you'd think they would prevent regeneration. Still, what a great cliffhanger! We all know that David Tennant is signed through next year, so what will happen with the regeneration? Will the Doctor regenerate into Tennant again? Will some sort of timey-wimey stuff happen that prevents it from happening in the first place? Will he regenerate into someone new and next year's episodes will be "missing" ones? Will they retcon the first four seasons? The mind boggles. It's interesting how former-Prime Minister Harriet Jones reappears in a situation much like the one she once described to the Doctor, in which the Earth is in danger and he isn't there to help. This resulted in the Doctor getting her thrown out of office and I find it hard to believe she doesn't hold a grudge. We never did see her actually exterminated. I liked how Harriet Jones' sub-wave network was designed by Mr. Copper, an extra-terrestrial that the Doctor met in "Voyage of the Damned" (he didn't strike me as an engineer, though). The core scene of the episode has to be when one of the women working forthe Shadow Proclamation approach Donna while she's sitting on some stairs. The woman apologizes for the loss that is yet to come. One storyline has been blatantly missing in this episode: the one involving the return of the Master from last season. It would better explain how Dalek Caan got through the time lock. What was with the sound of the heartbeat at the beginning of the scene? And how did Donna get the ring she's wearing? This episodes represents the culmination of storylines from all four seasons of the relaunched "Doctor Who" and is loads of fun to watch, even if the plot is so riddled with holes that one could drive a truck through them. The non-stop action and fun in-jokes and references of the episode make up for the superficial plotting. I look forward to tonight's season finale that I will watch as soon as I finish writing this entry.

GEEK TALK

It looks like someone read my supervillains piece (yes, I'm that influential) because according to The Hollywood Reporter, Sony is looking to give Venom his/its own spin-off movie (first reported by IESB earlier this year). They think Spider-Man would benefit from a few stand-alone stories, as they actually consider it to be "an aging franchise." (We all better check ourselves into nursing homes then, seeing as we actually lined up for the first movie all those years ago!) Now, as I stated so emphatically, I do believe a villain could carry his own movie. (After watching "Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog", I'm even more convinced.) But Venom? Seriously? It's not even a character in the strictest sense of the word. It's a ... symbiote! (In the Ultimate Universe, it wasn't even that much, it was just a suit.) It just bonds to people and makes them do really bad things. How can you make a movie about a parasite? Will they give it the sympathetic angle of a lonely and silent creature who just wants to make some friends? While Sony and Marvel have yet to comment, the studio has hired Jacob Estes to write a draft, and they're eying potential cast members. Topher Grace won't be reprising his role from Spider-Man 3, as they're not convinced he can carry a big budget picture. They should be more worried about a symbiote carrying a tentpole picture, but that's just me. Maybe the Spider-Man fans out there feel differently -- in fact, I know some must, because of the dozens of Venom T-shirts I've seen in my lifetime. Is Venom the character you want flying the Spider-Man banner?

Well, there you are phans, the latest entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Friday... or Phriday next week, and remember, I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving. Thanks for reading, and have a good week, and remember... spread the word, not the turd. Now for "Doctor Who"...