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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Rough Day

I dunno. This morning I laid in bed for nearly three hours after my alarm went off. I just couldn't make myself get up. The feeling, it's like it's always there to some degree, that nothing I'm doing matters, that I'm not moving forward, that for every inch I might gain, I'll lose two more to this shithole world that's ceased to care about ordinary people trying to reach their dreams (if it ever did), just wouldn't go away. I lost half a day to this damn thing, which probably hurt me far more than any of these imagined slings and arrows. But I can't stop these feelings when I get them. I don't know how to make myself better. And I can't even talk to anyone about it anymore. No one understands this thing in my head. Friends, family, roommates, everyone talks like it's so damn easy not to feel like this, like it's a matter of choice, but it's not. DAMN YOU, IT'S NOT. If just saying it made it so, don't you think I'd have done that already? I'd sell my soul to have that kind of control over my mind, but I don't.

I'm in serious... something. I've got an appointment with a guy next Friday. I just hope he can help me, somehow. I've got to get past this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to be dead before I'm 30.

Other people have beaten this. Other people don't feel like this. Other people are social, and confident, and self-reliant, and if they feel like this sometimes, they can beat it and get on with their lives. What do they have that I don't?

They tell me I'm special. If this is what that means, then I'd kill to be ordinary.