In Defense Of Mike’s Hard Lemonade

As a society with a rich tradition of free speech and protest, for centuries we have been able to foster public discourse about controversial subjects and hoist them to the national stage for discussion. We have elevated issues surrounding civil rights, the Second Amendment, and whether the dress was gold/black or black/blue to the highest levels of debate in this country. And while there are still many battles to be fought and arguments to be made about these important issues, one topic has been ostensibly overlooked by our national dialogue.

For some reason, it is still frowned upon to roll up to the house with a 6-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade tucked under your arm. It’s 2017, and it’s time to break the negative stigma associated with Mike’s.

Let us begin by examining the numbers. Mike’s Hard Lemonade is a comfortable 5% ABV. To some readers, that number may seem low. This may be because your perception of alcohol content was warped when, as a pledge, you “willingly” decided to take pulls of Everclear, which is a respectable 95% ABV. But, for comparison, Bud Light is 4.2% ABV. But let’s be real — you can’t afford Bud for your parties. Natty Light is 4.2% alcohol by volume, Keystone Light is 4.1%, and PBR is 4.7%. You don’t need to be a math major to see that it’s quicker to find liquid courage at the bottom of a Mike’s Hard bottle than an aluminum can. But if you’re the risk manager and either don’t want glass bottles at your parties or you love making a fool of yourself trying 5 times to crush a can against your head in front of the ladies, you can get Mike’s Harder Lemonade, which not only comes in a can, but is 8% ABV. The math shows that Mike’s beats out the beer.

Now there are some valid counterarguments to be made. For example, buying Mike’s Hard is a lot more expensive than buying beer. I get that. But think of it this way: instead of wasting money on alcohol-less mixers and chasers for your parties, just buy Mike’s Hard. What better to chase alcohol with than alcohol? No more pesky trips to the supermarket for a pallet of 2-liter Coke and Sprite bottles for the house manager; you can get all you need at the liquor store. That saves time and gas money, too. You should all tell your treasurers about this.

Finally, let’s look at the intangibles. The reality is, most girls won’t want to shotgun Nattys with you and the boys. It’s hard to find keepers like that. Most girls want a mixed drink, wine, or anything other than beer to drink at a party. You can impress the girls by breaking out a few cases of Mike’s Hard and showing them that you care about hanging out with them. Maybe after seeing something other than beer offered, the girls will stop skipping your socials for those that occur at the DTD house.

I’m tired of fraternity brothers being ridiculed and mocked for their love of quality, sugar-based alcoholic beverages. It’s hard to believe that in 2017, there are still members of fraternities across the nation who are roasted in group chats and at chapter for their love of the good stuff. I’m here to fight for you, boys. For the love of Mike’s, let’s start a dialogue about Mike’s Hard Lemonade..