User Rating

Microwave Massacre

I believe that “Microwave Massacre” was made as a spoof of horror film, and in tha, it is successful. However as a bad movie that is fun to watch, it is amazing. It is such a totally bizarre viewing that you won’t believe what you’re seeing even as you’re seeing it! I had the feeling that the film dared me to watch it in that those who made it know how bad it is.

Donald (Jackie Vernon) has a problem. All of his coworkers at the construction site where he works at have better lunches than him. While they get subs, he gets whole crabs— shell, claws, and all— stuck between two pieces of bread. Donald’s wife May (Claire Ginsberg), you see, thinks of herself something of an amateur Julia Child, but that is in her mind only. She’s worked Donald’s nerves down to almost nothing . Donald dreads his loveless, sexless home life and takes solace in his lunch breaks and his evenings at the local bar.

At some point, however, he has to go home, and when he can no longer delay the inevitable, he reels through the door and always finds May there, waiting for him at the dinner table, with a disgusting pseudo-gourmet meal that she has prepared in her newfangled microwave (the film is set in 1978 when microwaves were still new).

May is very proud of her microwave and what comes out of it while Donald finds it to be completely unappetizing and terrible tasting. One night he finally snaps and kills her but he was drunk when he did it and can’t remember anything about murdering his wife . When he finds her in the microwave (the next morning, he knows that he has to hide the evidence, so he cuts up her body, wraps the pieces in aluminum foil, and puts her in their extra refrigerator out in the garage. There is a slight problem though. Donald soon can’t remember which wrapped-up bits are his wife and which are food but that is solved quickly when he realizes that he is hitting her hand and likes the way it tastes. Soon he brings parts of his wife’s body to his friends at work and he soon becomes very popular. However he cannot keep up with the demand for meat and begins killing prostitutes and the like in order to keep up the supply for himself and his friends. Then the movie is over.

Director Wayne Berwick claims to have made this movie for “stoner crowd.” Never to be left behind by technology, it was only a matter of time before the horror genre found a way to put the microwave oven to macabre use. This cult classic is the result of that.

After a short prologue with a closing shot on a decaying skull inside a microwave and then the story begins. It is rather a dark comedy and not an out-and-out horror film with no suspense and no spooky music. Most of the killings occur off-screen, so the gore is really just severed body parts. The microwave used in the film is around the size of a refrigerator. I understand that some of the earliest microwaves were fairly huge in the 80s but this is a somewhat silly. For the plot to move forward, the film operates on kind of a bizarre level that you just kind of have to excuse. Every female neighborhood seems to be either a prostitute or a sex-starved nymphomaniac and they all seem to want to have sex with Donald. For the sake of the film, you just have to sort of accept certain illogical issues and just go with it.

Shove some bejewels up my ass you fucking chinks. We are never moving our aircraft carrier. We are going to nuke the fuck out of your pathetic, desolate and polluted country. The amount of iPhone plastic you eggroll eating fucks made has put a giant hole in the ozone layer. Fuck you. Which one of your grandparents made my happy meal toy? Was it you essay writer? Suck my gay North American dick and shove your live title necklaces up your ass. I wish I could personally push the button to drop the nuclear bomb onto one of your dick sucking/dog eating festivals. I'd like to save all the dogs and send them to a happy dog island before sinking your worthless country to the bottom of the ocean. I will use the bones of your children to build a kings throne, which I shall sit upon and Jack off as I think about your gay families melting in a nuclear wind as they scream complete jibberish