Super Bowl Predictions From Someone Who Shouldnâ€™t Be Making Super Bowl Predictions

Mahwah, NJ ““ Even though
Ramapo was forced to sit in the dark during the first half of the game due to
the Blackout of Jan’12, students still got the privilege to watch the Giants become NFC champs. I’m not even
sure what that means, but if NFC means Not For Chicks, then that is completely
accurate. Today we’re going to take a look at some Super Bowl predictions from
a lady fan’s perspective. Yes, ladies, that means hott bods, bullying, and
super fun Super Bowl parties. If football were always this fun, us girls would
no longer have to get plastered to pretend we enjoy football. Let’s face it,
football games are like RomComs for boys: 2+ hours of love, heartbreak, and
ass-grabbing, which makes the Super Bowl The Notebook of manhood, and boy am I
excited to watch it. So put on your Manning jersey (who is that?), chug some
beer (rip shots), and get pumped. I’m no Miss Cleo, but I’m pretty sure this is
how the Super Bowl is going to go down”¦

It is now confirmed that The
Super Bowl XLVIXOXOGG will be played by the New York Giants and the New England
Tom Brady. According to the following facts, the Giants are going to take the
game, but it’s going to be a very close match.

I predict that whoever gets
the most touchdowns is going to win. I’m pretty sure the Giants have more New Jersey mob ties, so that’s an advantage for them. The New England
Tom Brady’s have a plethora of strange names on their team, including BenJarvis
Green-Ellis, Gary Guyton, James Ihedigbo, Niko Koutouvides, and Zoltan Mesko.
First off, Zoltan better be a demigod and in the direct lineage of Zeus,
otherwise he has NO excuse to have a name like that. BenJarvis Green-Ellis
needs to pick two out of his four names ““ you can’t have that many names unless
you’re a Spanish monarch. Guyton sounds like a lugi. I’d like to see the birth
certificates of the rest of the aforementioned players. Although it may sound
like I’m making up reasons to belittle the Patriots and make the Giants look
better, I am.

The Giants’ jerseys are like
a brighter, more patriotic version of the New England Tom Brady’s jerseys. Just
like Anna Wintour says, “you either know fashion or you don’t”. Also, I know
more players on the Giants than on the Tom Brady’s. I’ve heard of at least four
of the Giants, and only one of the Tom Brady’s, and we all know who that is ““
Chad Ochocinco. Why is he allowed to change his name to his favorite number?
Are we six years old? Maybe I’ll just change my name to Jillian Purple-Indigo.
I’m really a fan of that color, so I’ll just base my whole life and career off
of it”¦ Back to baseball. Can we take one second to recognize the Giants’ Victor
Cruz? The entire crowd is going to burst into a raucous “boo” when he does
anything, even if it’s good. Everyone always heckles him even though he seems
like a down-to-earth guy. People seem to really hate him. Click here to stop
Cruz Cruelty by signing an anti-bullying petition.

Now let’s talk Super Bowl
parties. You’ve got your blue and red flags up, you’re pumped for the
commercials, and you’re DVR-ing Kardashians in the other room. I predict that
the boys at the Super Bowl party will consume a great amount of wings and a
massive amount of beer, resulting in an absurd amount of diarrhea. There’s
definitely going to be that one girl at your Super Bowl party that mumbles
something along the lines of, “I’d let Tom Brady touch down on me” then PTFO
before halftime. You’ll rip on her, but secretly envy her. You should’ve
thought of that first. Now, the following is crucial: do NOT let the boys turn
the volume down at halftime. The climax of the Super Bowl will of course be
bowing down to the Queen of Pop, Madonna! Promise the boys a Janet/Timberlake,
because Madonna’s going to blow the fucking non-roof off the stadium. Just
stand in the corner, bash the cheerleaders, and don’t let your boyfriend touch
you with Dorito fingers.

There’s still one part of
the prediction that I haven’t covered. I clearly stated the Giants would win,
but I did say New England would put up a fight. Eli Manning (he is the
quarterback of the Giants) has got a little “something something”, but he looks
like an ADHD-stricken child at high risk of a temper tantrum. That’s not
someone you want to go out in public with. On the other hand, if Tom Brady (he
is also a quarterback in the Super Bowl) took you out to dinner, he would
definitely wine and dine the shit out of you. Let’s take a glance at the
charts:

Tara Reid is a fucking mess
but she was every 13-year old girl’s lesbian secret in the age of the American
Pie. Between a sexpot like Tara, a beautiful woman like Bridget, and the queen
of sexuality, Gisele, Tom Brady’s stats are just better than Eli’s. With that
being said, Tom Brady is so effing hott, and New England is definitely going to
make it a close game. Screw it, they might even win. The only negative thing I
have to say about the Giants is regarding the spelling of player #47’s name,
Travis Beckum. There is only one Beckham allowed in sports, and quite frankly,
Travis is no competition. You’re doing it wrong.

So ladies, if you’re having
trouble deciding who to vote for, unless you’re really in an Empire State of mind, vote Tom Brady. The Giants and the “family” are definitely going to put up a fight, but according
to Facebook updates, don’t even watch the game because you will be constantly
updated by people you hate from high school. I predict a slew of delicately
structured sentences laced with grammatical precision, chased down by shots on
shots on shots. Let’s make this Super Bowl party the best we’ve ever had. And
for the love of god, (boys, back me up), can Sofia Vergara PLEASE replace Pam
Oliver!?!?

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