Gurning Man Festival Declared a Success

A festival which debuted this year has been declared a success by attendees and promoters alike. The Gurning Man festival, an event which sees a twenty metre tall wicker man gurned to the ground as its epic finale, was held in the Mojave Desert in Southern California last week.

“It’s like a Mecca for nudists and hippies,” said event organiser Flip Chaste of El Primo Promotions. “Not in the sense that nudists and hippies flock here, more in the sense that people spend a lot of time on their knees with their faces on the ground. Usually due to dehydration and copious amounts of mescaline.”

He added, “There is a real sense of community here. There has to be, I suppose, as we’re out in the middle of the desert with nothing but yurts, drugs and sunscreen. If you need anything, you have to figure out a way to get it from someone else.”

“We operate a barter system,” he continued. “We find this avoids such unnecessary inconveniences as people buying things they don’t need, like Native American Headdresses, obnoxious sunglasses and food. One man brought a large bag of coke and has managed to trade it for water, toilet roll and handjobs for example.”

“However, the man who brought a large tank of water has managed to acquire a palatial home in the Californian hills. People get desperate when they’re thirsty and suffering from sunstroke.”

Flip was quick to point out the flaws of having a festival of self expression in the desert, “You can’t walk ten metres without tripping over a sizzling hippie or walking face first into a tit. I think the attendees think “self expression” means “get your bits out”. Either that or everyone is just losing it because of the heat.”

“There have been some tragedies,” he offered while looking down in a moment of solemn tribute. “One man this year has suffered first degree gurns. The medics were quick to treat him, however he will never regain the use of his jaw.”

The event culminated in the gurning of the wicker man, where all who attend gurn their way through the large effigy. Three people are still stuck inside the icon and are expected to stay there until next year as they are hippies and have no jobs to go to.

For more gurning – “the most beautiful and majestic sport in the history of Mankind” – click here.