Remember When You Could Fire the FBI Director Without Getting a Lot of Flak?

So the President has fired the FBI Director. I’m surprised it took this long. Maybe the FBI Director owed the President money for a lost bet, and the President figured as long as the Director was still in Washington, I’ll have a better chance of collecting.

In the second season of The Apprentice, there was an episode where the contestants were tasked with creating a dog grooming business. at the end of the episode the businesses were reviewed by the host, our current President, and he decided that they very worst performance was that of a contest named Stacy. “Your charity was the Kitty Kat Shelter. Why would dogs care about cats? Stacy, you’re fired.”

Almost immediately, there were calls to appoint a special investigator to investigate Stacy’s ties to cats. It turned out that two months before she appeared on The Apprentice, Stacy had met in a hotel room with a Maine Coon and two tabbies. Her aides had originally denied the meeting but a few gray and orange hairs were found on her jacket.

Then there were calls to investigate the cats. At first no one could find them. But one of the cats was caught posting photos on Facebook of a party where Stacy and the President were in attendance. The cat was issued a subpoena to testify before Congress, but his attorney sent a message that his client was sleeping and would not awake for several years.

Then there arose a rumor that there were videos of the cats paying Stacy in return for her designating the Kitty Kat Shelter as the beneficiary of the dog grooming business on The Apprentice. The videos were also subpoenaed. But the cat’s attorney replied that the tapes were no longer in existence, but were of the cats just squeezing into baskets and so were completely useless (although still very cute).

The whole affair was dying down and the media were about to give up and go back to covering Nicole Kidman’s strange clapping at the Academy Awards. But then they got a break. The President tweeted that “These cats better hope their breath doesn’t smell like tuna fish!” This tweet was considered unusually enigmatic, even for the President, and breathed new life into the investigation. Soon a connection through a company that manufactured tuna fish was revealed. It turned out that the President, early in his career as a real estate developer has owned a piece of a tuna fish company and had used cats for quality control. When the cats complained about the low wages and infrequent changes of kitty litter, he locked them in a room and made them taste tuna fish all day long, permitting only 12 hours a day for naps.

After the company went bankrupt and the cats escaped when someone opened the door to grab the paper, the cats later blackmailed the President into paying them. So he came up with a scheme to funnel money raised on The Apprentice to these cats, using Stacy as a pawn. When Stacy threatened to reveal the real reason why a dog grooming business was benefiting a bunch of cats, the President fired her, claiming the reason was her poor management skills and bad decision-making.

When all was revealed it had the making of the greatest scandal since Watergate, encompassing all levels of government and the animal kingdom. No one thought that the President would be able to bounce back. But then House of Representatives passed a bill cutting aid to people who clap strangely (and their dependents) and everyone forgot about Stacygate.