12 January 2012

Fun with Nurse Insert-Name-Here

Most of you know that I had a renal ultrasound Tuesday morning. While there, I asked the technician when my doctor would get the results; I was told within 24-48 hours. On a whim, I called the doctor's office just after lunch to make sure they'd call me after getting the results since they've so far shown a marked indifference about telling me much of anything. Nurse Vacuous said that the doctor had to "sign off" on the report, after which she could call me with the results, probably late afternoon or Wednesday morning. Okay. I should have results by Wednesday morning. I figured that meant I'd probably get them by February 15th. Also, what does "the doctor has to sign off" mean, exactly? Makes it sound like they are writing me off, which they seem to have largely done already.

So I waited.

No calls Tuesday evening. I even kept my ringer turned on and up so I wouldn't miss any calls.

And then I waited some more.

All day Wednesday I waited. Nothing.

Thursday morning I called and was sent to Nurse Vapid's voicemail, where I left a message. Then the girlie and I headed off to Atlanta for some shopping and good, old-fashioned girl-bonding time. While eating an early dinner at the Cheesecake Factory (yum!), I called Dr. Earnest's office once again and after being kept on hold for 10-15 minutes was finally put through to Nurse Bitchy. She didn't apologize for never having called me back. Then she told me that I had either a mass or a cyst. Get the f*ck out of town--really??? Okay, now tell me something I don't already know.

"We compared it to the CT results which we don't have the software to read, so we used our magic guessing powers and it hasn't grown any."

Nurse Attitude problem next informed me that the doctor was trying to decide between making me do another CT scan or an MRI. Correct me if I'm wrong here, people, but wasn't a CT scan what got all this insanity started IN THE FIRST PLACE? What could possibly make you think that a new one is going to tell you anything different than the first one if you can't even get any useful information off either it or the ultrasound? Hello???

"Well, she's "leaning" towards an MRI. Can you do a CT or an MRI? Because it couldn't be an open MRI..."

"Well, yes, Nurse Head-Up-Ass, I can, in fact, do a CT or MRI, considering I've just done one."

"Do you mind going to the hospital for an MRI?"

"Actually, yes, I do...I'd rather go to the diagnostic center."

"But it would be much easier for us if you went back to the hospital because they already have your other test results because clearly we are not competent enough to have them sent to us from another location."

"Well, God knows I want to make all this nonsense easier on you, Nurse Needs-to-be-Slapped, but it's three times cheaper at the Diagnostic center."

"Is that a problem?"

"Well, duh, Nurse Can't-Comprehend-Basic-Math; while I do have insurance, and while the entirely pointless ultrasound you just ordered blew out my deductible, there's still the little matter of my CO-PAY on all these outrageously expensive tests and, surprisingly, the co-pay on a $15,000 test is noticeably bigger than one on a $5000 test. Shocking, I know..."

"Um, okay...I'll talk to the doctor and see what she wants to do and call you back with your appointment..."

Needless to say, I have heard absolutely nothing since this conversation on Thursday afternoon. I have still not heard a solitary word from Dr. Earnest herself. Not only is Dr. Earnest totally fired the second I get this all sorted out, but I'm thinking it might be time for a visit to a specialist, preferably one who does not have his head lodged firmly up his keester.

I am so over this. Why is medical competence so difficult to find these days? Or is it just me?