When Fairy Tales & Nightmares Collide.

Before I was diagnosed, all I knew about Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression was that it was some form of mental illness. I think the same can be said for a lot of people. If you search the internet you often just get a list of symptoms re-arranged and rehashed, but essentially the same, and essentially meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

Mental illness affects everyone differently, but I hope by sharing my story it will help others to understand the illness better and get a better feel of what it’s like to be a person with Bipolar, rather than a list of potential symptoms.

So this is my account of Bipolar Disorder, what it means to me and how it affects me. Not for the faint hearted, this is my barbed wire sandwich.

What is your diagnosis?Bipolar Disorder

What is that?Bipolar Disorder also known as Manic Depression; is a mood disorder characterized by extreme mood states ranging from intense euphoria (mania) to severe depression.

How does it affect you?When I’m manic, I have bags of energy and feel on top of the world. I’m very creative and have so many thoughts and ideas it’s hard to keep track of them, I jump from subject to subject like I’m skipping down stepping stones. Life and soul of the party, I talk too fast and laugh too loud, I’m awesome and I know it and so should everyone else. I can be very conceited and have been known to to be very forceful with my opinions, because I know it all obviously. I can and will do anything; I make rash decisions and end up in risky situations, I become hyper-sexual I no longer have any concept of consequence. I hardly sleep, forget to eat, but maybe drink too much. I obsess over my own thoughts, and become agitated quickly and unpredictably. In extreme episodes I hallucinate and have at times become completely delusional; I was once entirely convinced that I had watched my own death, and then woken up like it had never happened. I started to think I was invincible to the point where I actually tried to prove it.

"I’ll write and draw and sing and be perfect. I’ll make everyone laugh and party every night"

I have all these wonderful ideas and make all these plans of what I’m going to do with my life. I bounce around for days on next to no sleep, but there’s no stopping me. I’ll paint the kitchen in the middle of the night because I’m an expert on interior design and red would really accentuate the features and bring the room to life. I’ll sit for half an hour in someone else’s front garden, building a wall behind their car out of the pile of bricks they have, because I thought it would be funny, and once I start I can’t stop. I’ll go for a three mile trek in my pyjamas and slippers, because I just fancied a walk. I stand on top of the tallest building I can find and look down because the terror excites me, and I can probably fly anyway. I’ll do the housework whilst talking to the camera crew that’s been following me all day. I’ll spend my rent money on clothes I don’t like and crap I don’t need or go on a shop lifting spree, just because I can. I’ll write and draw and sing and be perfect. I’ll make everyone laugh and party every night.

"I’ll stick my council tax money in a charity box, because the council are robbing bastards and I used to dress up as an elf for Barnado’s"

I’ll dance with strangers in the rain, yeah let’s call it dancing. I’ll kick my radiator because I didn’t like what it was saying to me. I’ll ring my boyfriend’s mother and scream at her for answering her sons phone and then being obnoxious, then afterwards realise I was ringing the landline and ah think fuck it. I’ll stick my council tax money in a charity box because the council are robbing bastards and I used to dress up as an elf for Barnado’s. I’ll shout at my best friend because he’s trying to calm me down and I don’t want to be fucking calm. I’ll smash a glass over a guy’s head in a crowded bar, because he was getting too touchy feely and one warning should be enough right? I’ll hug total strangers and cajole people into buying the big issue, because the poor guy wasn’t having much luck on his own. I’ll tell my boss to go fuck herself and walk out of my job. I’ll sleep with that new guy from work that I’ve only spoken to once, well because he started it. I’ll run laps across a motorway because I’m faster than the cars. I’ll say whatever pops into my head; I don’t care if you don’t like it.

"For some reason that I can't really fathom, I would rather repeatedly punch myself in the face than cry in front of people"

When I’m depressed it’s like the world just ended but I’m the only one who noticed, the colour drains from everything and everywhere I look there’s just grey fog. My enthusiasm level is well into negative figures, I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. I completely shut down and hide myself away. Some days I wake up and my mind instantly fills with all the things I need to do and all the potential negative situations I could find myself in; so that by the time I reach the bottom of the stairs, I’m so overwhelmed by panic inducing dread that I can hardly breathe and feel physically sick.

I feel so completely worthless and pathetic, everything seems hopeless and there’s just no point to any of it. I feel constantly lethargic and want to sleep all the time just so I don’t have to be awake, even the nightmares are better than my reality. There are days when I hardly get out of bed and others where I’ll get up, but don’t bother getting washed and dressed or even brushing my hair, I just lounge around staring at walls and ceilings, pretending to watch TV and generally doing nothing, because nothing really matters anyway. I can’t concentrate and struggle to do even the simplest things, which just validates my feelings of being useless and wretched. I get so frustrated with struggling to do things, only to mess it up, that I don’t even bother trying anymore. I misdirect my anger and randomly burst into tears at seemingly nothing, and for some reason that I can’t really fathom, I would rather repeatedly punch myself in the face than cry in front of people.

"I suffer from anxiety attacks and become avoidant of pretty much everything, I just want to disappear"

I can’t bear to be around people, I’m so horrified at the thought of them seeing this ghastly side of me that I shut them out completely, I hardly leave the house and shove my phone in a drawer and forget its existence. When I do come into contact with a member of the human race, I feel completely vulnerable and exposed, like they can see all the wretchedness inside of me. I feel toxic and imagine myself poisoning everything around me, just by being near it. I suffer from anxiety attacks and become avoidant of pretty much everything, I just want to disappear. I used to self harm a lot as it helped me cope, but after 10 years I finally managed to kick the habit. I’ve been cut free for almost three years now, but when I’m depressed I have to fight so hard not to slip back into the habit. When I’m in a depressive phase, I become very suicidal and spend most of my time daydreaming about dying, I’ve acted on the impulse in the past, but now I force myself to remember that the feeling won’t last forever.

"If I could go back in time I’m pretty sure I would punch him in the face"

How long have you been diagnosed?I was diagnosed in 2009

How long did it take to get diagnosed?Bloody ages! I was diagnosed with depression by a GP when I was 15. He got me to fill out a questionnaire, announced I was depressed, gave me a script for anti-depressants and sent me packing. He literally spent 5 minutes with me; I even had to fill out the questionnaire in the corridor so he could see the next patient. If I could go back in time I’m pretty sure I would punch him in the face, as his actions that day kick started years of dismissal. Every time I visited a GP complaining of low mood, all they saw was “history of depression” scrawled across my notes, I don’t remember having a proper conversation with any of them; it was just a cycle of get drugs, feel better, come off drugs, feel shit, get drugs... you get the picture. 9 years, a catalogue of scars and a few suicide attempts later and I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

"I had spent years suffering because no-one had bothered to find out what was actually wrong with me"

How did you feel when you were diagnosed? I felt such a wide range of emotions, everything from pure rage to absolute relief. The Psychiatrist originally diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, but after throwing a complete bitch fit and pointing out that he was a complete tool and hadn’t listened to a damn thing I’d said (a point proved by the written summary of our chat and his treatment of me) I found I was in fact Bipolar. I was so angry that I had spent years suffering because no-one had bothered to find out what was actually wrong with me. I was angry at myself for not realising, I’d known for so long something must be wrong, but I just dismissed it or mistook it for depression. I never cared about joining the Crazy Train; I was just so relieved that something could be done to make my life more bearable.

"They fixed me up physically, but I felt like they were trying to punish me for wasting their time"

Have you ever been hospitalised due to your condition?I’ve been admitted to the general hospital due to overdose and self harm, but I’ve never been admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

Do you feel hospitalization helped you?Yes and no. They fixed me up physically, but I felt like they were trying to punish me for wasting their time. I was dumped on the Orthopedic ward out of the way, surrounded by all these little old ladies with broken hips and fractured limbs, who were not so subtle about wondering why I was there when I obviously wasn’t physically broken. It was like some in your face irony, these women with their frail bodies failing them, trying to make them last out as long as they could, and me there physically fit and healthy, trying to end my life. I still felt wretched and suicidal, but now I felt incredibly selfish with it.

"I think there is a real lack of understanding and empathy when it comes to mental illness"

How do you feel about your overall experience with medical healthcare professionals?Over the years I have seen numerous GP’s, Doctors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Counselors and Therapists and sadly I have to admit my overall experience with them has been mostly negative. From my own experience and from what I’ve discussed with others, I think there is a real lack of understanding and empathy when it comes to mental illness, especially at GP and hospital level. It’s almost as though you’re dismissed because you don’t have a ‘proper’ illness; they can’t ‘fix’ you and don’t really understand the implications of your illness, so they send you away. I’ve been referred and re-referred here there and everywhere so many times I’ve lost count.

"My current GP is absolutely brilliant and I can’t fault her"

HOWEVER, this can’t be said for all health professionals. My current GP is absolutely brilliant and I can’t fault her. She used to be a psychiatrist in Australia and really knows her stuff, she’s also a lovely person and very supportive and encouraging. I’m really lucky to have finally landed in her office.

I also have nothing but praise for a paramedic I came across once, I had cut myself to tatters and while his partner looked at me with what looked like disgust, he was kind and compassionate and gave me a number for a self-harm group that could help me find “other ways to cope” I never went to the group, but those few words made me think about all the reasons I cut, and that was the day I finally started trying to stop. Finally I saw a psychologist called Sally, I only had 8 sessions with her, but she was brilliant and helped me look at myself and my reactions to things. I can’t help thinking a year with her and I’d have been set for life.

What treatment if any are you undertaking?I am taking a lovely cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and waiting to start CBT.

"After I while I decided that actually, existing but not really living was not better than dying and asked to be taken off them"

Does your treatment have any negative side effects?Yes, it murders my creativity, dampens my good mood and at times makes me feel dead inside. It makes me really tired and groggy in the morning even if I’ve slept well and it’s hard to wake up. I feel sick and giddy if I forget to take them, which in a way is a good thing because my memory is awful.

Have you tried any other treatments?I was prescribed Olanzapine in my original cocktail which didn’t like me at all. They completely zombified me and made me put on loads of weight. I stayed on them for a while in the hope that they’d even out and with the solace that it was better than killing myself. After I while I decided that actually, existing but not really living was not better than dying and asked to be taken off them. I’ve also had brief psychotherapy, EMDR for PTSD but that was postponed while I was referred for bereavement counselling, which didn’t go well because I didn’t feel comfortable with the counsellor.

Did you share your diagnosis with family and friends?Yes, I’m very open about having Bipolar.

Did any of your family or friends have a negative reaction?Not really, I was pretty lucky in that respect. My friends already knew I was wacky and difficult, having a reason for it didn’t really matter to them.

"I feel as though I have wronged them and don’t know how to explain why I’ve shut them out"

Have you lost any friends or family due to your mental health issues?Yes. Not in the sense that they went ewww mental get away from me! But I have lost a lot of friends due to cutting myself off from people during depressive episodes. If you ignore people’s calls and texts, there’s only so long before they’ll give up and think you don’t want to know them. Which is a perfectly natural response, we don’t want to stalk people or waste time and effort on people who don’t want to know us, so we simply fade out of their lives. I only have myself to blame for this outcome, I should get back in touch with them once my depressive episode is over, but this is something I’ve always found completely impossible to do. I feel as though I have wronged them and don’t know how to explain why I’ve shut them out, I feel awkward and guilty and the longer I leave it, the harder it gets.

"The only way you can know what someone goes through is to ask them, which isn’t always an easy thing to do"

Do you think your family and friends understand your condition?No. I think it’s very difficult to understand Bipolar unless you have it. I have a friend who suffers from Psychosis who probably has the best idea of what I go through, because some of symptoms of these illnesses overlap. If you Google Bipolar Disorder you are confronted with loads of sites, all showing lists of symptoms, which in the grand scheme of things are useless to someone trying to understand what it’s like to have Bipolar. There are several types of Bipolar and mental illness effects everyone differently, so you may be reading up on the wrong type, or the person you’re trying to understand, may not even suffer with some of the symptoms you’re looking at. The only way you can know what someone goes through is to ask them, which isn’t always an easy thing to do. And even if you do ask them, they may not be in the right mood to tell you.

Do you tell new people about your condition?Yes, I usually get it out of the way pretty quickly, because if people have a problem with my mental illness, I’d rather they go and have it somewhere else.

"I may as well say ‘I have gibberyjabbery syndrome’ as I’m pretty sure I’d get the same response"

If so, what kind of reaction do you usually get?The most common reaction is ‘oh okay’ I think mainly because people don’t know what it is, even when you say manic depression, people are still lost. I may as well say ‘I have gibberyjabbery syndrome’ as I’m pretty sure I’d get the same response. Occasionally I get asked ‘what’s that?’ and I give them a brief outline, but that’s usually where the conversation ends.

Do you think people perceive you differently once they know of your mental health issues?It depends on the person. I have some very close friends whose response was ‘I always knew you were frikkin mental’ and we sometimes talk about it and even laugh about it and I can honestly say they don’t treat me any different because of my illness.

"Was he worried he may have caught crazy by hanging out with me, or was he simply implying that I hid being metal very well?"

What is often difficult is bumping into people you haven’t seen for a long while, school friends and ex-colleagues, I once got the response of ‘You didn’t have that when I knew you, did you?’ Which to be honest I really wasn’t sure which way to take. Was he worried he may have caught crazy by hanging out with me, or was he simply implying that I hid being metal very well? As I still talk to this particular person, I can only assume it was the later. One thing that I have noticed from being open about my Bipolar; people rarely ask me how it affects me, but they do often ask me about mental illness with regards to other people they know, and not just about Bipolar, ANY potential mental illness like I’m suddenly a walking DSM. I don’t mind sharing the knowledge I’ve picked up along the way, or pointing people in the right direction to find out what they need to know, I simply find it interesting that people find it easier to talk about someone, rather than to them.

"I constantly have a voice in my head telling me how useless and worthless I am"

Do you feel your mental health has an impact on your self-esteem?Yes definitely. When I’m having a depressive episode I constantly have a voice in my head telling me how useless and worthless I am, and even when the depression leaves, the voice stays with me, because it’s my voice. Even when I’m manic, the voice is still there, I just ignore it.

Is your self image affected by your mental health?Yes. When I’m depressed, I absolutely despise myself. I hate everything I say and do and feel. I can hardly bear to look at myself, photographs that I once loved, now disgust me. I become prone to a vicious cycle of self neglect; I’m worthless so why bother? I haven’t bothered so now I feel even more worthless.

"A small gesture, but at that moment it meant more to me than anything"

What’s important to you when you’re struggling? Knowing that the feeling won’t last forever and that I have a life to come back to when I’m ready, knowing that I haven’t been forgotten. My friend once text me the lyrics to ‘The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get’ I cried for hours, but afterwards I was on my way out of a really dark place. A small gesture, but at that moment it meant more to me than anything. Out of context it’s just a stalkerish sounding Morrissey song; but it meant so much to know that not only had my friend picked up on my habit of using songs to communicate my feelings, he was also saying, “I’m here, I miss you and despite the fact that you’re useless and ignoring me, I’ll still be here when you’re done sulking” but in a much more articulate and caring way.

"I’m still bubbly and enthusiastic and creative and funny, or so I’m told. I can get out of bed and have a normal day of just being me"

Why don’t you just kill yourself already? It’s not all doom and gloom and I do have a semblance of normality between the rise and crash of the waves. I’m not always high as a kite or lower than hell and for the most part I think I function quite well. I’m still bubbly and enthusiastic and creative and funny, or so I’m told. I can get out of bed and have a normal day of just being me. I think to a certain extent having been so low, helps me appreciate being okay and I can see a funny side of life, that I think a lot of people miss as they rush around their all important lives. If you take a minute to look for the humour and the good things in the world, you will find some and kick yourself for never seeing them before.

"Avoid getting arrested for being drunk by having an enthusiastically eccentric conversation with the police"

I spend my ups and my okays with some of the most amazing people on this Earth, who have put up with all kinds of shit from me and still won’t budge. We laugh and sing and act like idiots, just because we can. We jump off bridges [small ones] because we’re bored. Do commando crawls down hills because it’s highly amusing. Break into public gardens because we used to hang out there. Piss off security guard’s by making them run. Have countless encounters with shopping trolley’s that don’t involve shopping. Walk for miles and not notice because we’re talking. Dress up in Ann Summers – yeah and the guys. Go for a Carvery and chat up the chef while your friend sneaks 30 roast potatoes. Go swimming in lakes. Have BBQ’s in the middle of the night. Walk the pipe over a river in pyjamas, totally expecting to fall in and being astounded when we don’t. Talk on the phone for hours on end about nothing in particular. Make gigantic birthday cakes. Avoid getting arrested for being drunk by having an enthusiastically eccentric conversation with the police. Send ridiculous posts on facebook because you miss the silliness of hanging out. Dry hump living statues: Or any statue for that matter. Try desperately to hug a sheep, only to fail repeatedly because they are deceptively fast. Lay on the floor in a heap singing Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid and remembering most of the words. Do unspeakable things to traffic cones. Get beat up by Wonder Woman. Feed the ducks. Surprise each other and take a disgustingly obscene amount of photographs.

If your dreams and nightmares were in the same place, would you still go there?

There’s so much more ridiculous stuff that I could put here, but I think you get the picture. And yes I am almost 28 and not 8, but I’m not going to grow up until I’ve decided what I want to be so pft! =P

Well, I've met two women with bipolar in the last twelve months and I fell in love with the most recent one. So, naturally, I have an interest in your post, your thoughts and your experiences.

It is very brave for you to be able to do all this, especially as you say you also suffer from PTSD (I know, I don't know you). You sound like you've been brave in your quest for survival too.

Yes, I'm going to talk about others now... :-P

People I know have asked me about bipolar. When I first met one girl, I read a lot on Wikipedia and the others but it didn't really prepare me. Stephen Fry's DVD helped to demonstrate the significance behind suicidal intentions alone, where some only see them as a cry for attention. I like to focus on the fact that it's a 'mood' disorder. Someone with bipolar experiences highs and lows more severe than most others. That's my basic definition!

There's a stereotype that implies that someone is constantly shifting between high and low moods but,only the 'rapid cycling' type comes close to that, as far as I understand.

I saw a lot of mostly negative and frightening things when I first new someone but it prepared me for meeting the second; almost like fate.

I admire that you seem to have been quite persistent and determined to keep taking your medication. When one doesn't work or causes problems, you go back to the GP for an alternative. That's inspirational, from the people I've known.

One of the best sources I've found for understanding is a book titled 'When Someone You Love is Bipolar', which I've just finished reading and feel as though I've gained a lot of insight and understanding. Even though my friend has this week shut me out without much of an explanation. I guess it could be fear and PTSD, after what she shared the other night. She's trusted me more than anyone else, even her fiancée so, I have to remain positive that she will return.

I feel like I've lost her but, she hasn't lost me.

Both women I've known have simply wanted someone to listen. As you say, asking them won't always gain an answer but, if they know that they have someone to rely on then, they'll turn to you in times of need. That's been my experience, anyway.

Love the song and its lyrics! :-)

Have you ever pushed someone away who you once trusted and confided in? How would you react if they tried to re-establish a connection with you some time after?

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Khaos

1/6/2013

Hey Brandon, thanks for commenting! I’m glad that you’ve found love, maybe there is some left in the World after all.

Thank you, although I’m a bit more of a wimp when it comes to the Post Traumatic stress Disorder. I can talk about symptoms in a matter of fact way, but being open in a blog about the actual cause of my PTSD is another thing entirely. On March 27th it will be thirteen years since what was possibly the worst day of my life, and still I can’t seem to say “this happened and this is how I feel about it”

I had the same problem and I’ve got the damn thing! When I was diagnosed I was actually told to go and look it up on the internet. So I did and slowly crashed and burned into a major identity crisis as all my quirky personality traits became a disease. Being able to blame my negative actions on being a head case wasn't in the least bit comforting and not something I never wanted to do.

I always liked Stephen Fry as an actor and entertainer, but when I was diagnosed, his documentary “The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive” helped me more than any of the articles, leaflets of information I found anywhere. And so now to me (and a lot of other Bipolar suffers I know) he is an absolute legend. I often spam people with it who are curious about Bipolar.

I too had the impression that you were either manic or depressed all the time and switched from one to the other and back again. As a result I was pretty resistant to my diagnosis. Sure I had weeks or months of being energetic and excessively happy [an idea that in itself was ridiculous to me] then I would become severely depressed and suicidal, but then I’d pull myself together and I’d be okay for a while. I wasn't up or down, I was somewhere in the middle and I’d stay there for a few months, which didn't match up to the picture I was being given. I’d already been misdiagnosed twice, so I alternated between thinking third time lucky and they’re talking shit. Even now I sometimes think they got it wrong and I’m just prone to depression and being a wild child when I don’t feel like dying.

Any mental illness can be a bit frightening at times and I would imagine you will at some point have some negative experiences with your current lady, you just need to remember all the reasons you love her and all the things that are good about her. If you can do that, you can get through anything. You’re already a hero in my eyes because you’re actually trying to understand what she’s up against rather than battling through blind, so a massive well done to you!

Medication is so damn hard. It’s like an addiction, but backwards. You've been deliriously high and miserably low, but now you have to accept living in this little white box and it can get pretty claustrophobic. Sometimes it seems worth the pain just to fly once more.

I may have to order that book; I love reading and it’s quite comforting to know you’re not the only one and someone else has lived this version of life.

I think the best thing to do with your friend is just let her know you’re there. She may be embarrassed or feel unable to face you at the moment, but if you let her know you’ll still be there when she’s ready to come back, I’m sure she will. Maybe send a text saying you miss her and would love to go for a coffee when she’s feeling up to it, or something that lets her know you haven’t forgotten her. It may take quite a while for her to feel able to reply, so give it time and don’t give up. If she never wanted to see you again, I’m pretty sure she would have told you.

I've shut a lot of people out when I've been depressed and find it almost impossible to get back in touch with them when I feel better and ultimately I've lost them. There are a few that I’m heartbroken about losing and that was a lot of my reason for starting this blog, so that maybe they can understand it’s not them that I’m shutting out, it’s everything. If any of them called me tomorrow and said “I miss you, can we hang out?” I’d be there like a shot.

The friend I mentioned that sent me The Smiths song, I know I can tell him anything and he would never abandon me no matter what I said or did [tried and tested theory] but when I’m feeling shit, I still ignore his texts. I can’t help myself. Luckily he understands why I do it and always welcomes me back with open arms. Knowing that he’s not going to judge me or pressure me to tell him about my time out sick, makes crawling back so much easier.

Finally, I’m a bit of a lyrical addict tbh. Whereas most people’s FB pages catalogue there ups and downs and niggles, mine’s more like a musical that only a couple of people can read. There’s always a song that says what I want to but can’t.

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Kelly Hardy

2/16/2013

I enjoyed reading your blog re: bipolar

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Author

Hey, so I'm Khaos! I'm a twenty-something would be teenager with a compulsion for writing, doodling, music and general silliness. Oh and I have Bipolar, PTSD and mild OCD. This is my blog of rambling, rants and riots as I stumble through life with mental illness. I'm not very politically correct, I swear too much and I have all the tact of a brick to the face. Enjoy!