RWOOKRRORRO, KASHYYYK - For nigh on a millennium fifty years, experts have been puzzled by the mysterious deaths of nine hikers in the mountains of Hoth. All of them, it seemed, had fled in apparent fear during the middle of the night, and there were numerous mysterious injuries - a missing tongue with no other damage, a smashed skull with no other damage, and a large dose of radiation poisoning. Most experts reached the conclusion that a Wampa made attempts at Wookiee-Nookieing the hikers on the request of Putin, however some made suggestions that it was the Wookiee-Nookie Monster. The truth, however, turns out to be far, far more chilling. As Madclaw of Kashyyyk's shaven face appeared on the HoloNet, we all wondered just why a Wookiee would choose to shave themselves in such a way. Madclaw's confession eclipsed this shock at his lack of hair in appearance.

Life is an interesting thing. Life consists predominantly of attempting to dodge violent and bloody deaths by attempting to develop a method to defend yourself against a man with two dildos. There is, however, an exemption to this rule that really is a cheat; Wookiees are just so goddamned powerful, it's like taking a mountain and giving it a giant body and a giant - well, you get the gist. I would imagine that these hikers had never read the excellent article on what we in the science business call COMMON FUCKING SENSE.

Madclaw's revelation puts him solely in the spotlight for this event, by his own confession. Appearing on Wookiee television for the first time, Mr. Claw spoke of how he was merely taking a leisurely walk in search of Kee when he met the nine hikers. In a leisurely mood, this being Hoth where Mr. Claw had not yet met anyone else besides those Wampas, pathetic attempts at a Wookiee, Mr. Claw challenged them to a charitable game of some sort. Now, Mr. Claw, thinking of Kee as he was, was distracted. This made him play badly. This made the hikers start winning.

Now, perhaps, even then, Mr. Claw would not have given in to his Wookiee desires, however he could not control himself after the leader of the expedition chose to call him what he liked to refer to as a "shagpile carpet". Now, Mr. Claw confused "shagpile" with something entirely different, and went Wookiee on the hikers. He used this time to try a very clever method of Wookiee power which allowed him to do violent things on certain body parts and yet not others. Of course, all hikers were Wookiee-Nookied in true Wookiee style. At the time, Madclaw was using a jetpack and was chewing radiation tablets, which made flashing lights in the sky and turned the hikers orange and their hair grey. To suggest that this was the work of aliens or a nuclear testing facility was stupid. It was obviously a Wookiee. Duh.

The thing is, dawg, this was a good murder case, but Madclaw had a better one.

Madclaw came forward with this news with the challenge "You want to punish me? Come and get me!" In true Madclaw style, when CorSec attempted to apprehend him, he beat them shitless and threw them off a tree. All attempts at extradition have failed, with the Kashyyyk council saying "Let's be honest, it was a brilliant display of masculinity. We should reward, not punish, Mr. Claw for this." This reporter agrees with that.