Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Analyzing With Your Spouse

"But a pet never disagrees with me!"

It is very helpful for analysts or investigators to talk to others about their own language. I frequently encourage analysts to ask questions of their spouses. If the marriage is lengthy, the couple likely either shares or has begun to share, the same linguistic code with one another. The ancient "becoming one person" is understood not only physically, but psychologically, as they relate to each other on deep levels, including intuition, language, and facial expressions. They can get to the point of sharing one dictionary, both linguistically, and even emotionally. We sometimes joke that two very long term married people "look like each other" because we recognize facial patterns and as husband and wife are together over many years, they often do mimic each others' expressions just as they share the same language. Analyzing Your Own LanguageTalking over the use of language is, in a sense, 'self-analysis' where the analyst can ask his or her spouse, "Why did I word it this way?"We can get too tied up within our own minds, if we do this only by ourselves. A spouse can be invaluable and I regularly ask analyst to "run this by your spouse" to see what "she might expect to hear" from a particular sentence. I will give you two examples; one long, designed to influence your analysis, and the other quite short. When I worked as a state investigator I was privileged to serve under a professional dedicated and honorable manager. In the simplest of ways, she did the right thing. This brought her, on occasion, to be at odds with the nature of a bureaucracy. A bureaucracy is not a system of order meant to serve people, but a system meant to sustain itself, which can frequently come at expense of the people it serves. She impressed me and my co workers and we recognized: no nonsense is the order of the day. Her scruples were such: if there was a theft of $50,000, the investigation (likely complex) should be entered into no different than an investigation into the theft of $5: both should be approached professionally and with excellence. This is easy to say where embezzlement or exploitation of someone's life savings has disappeared and the interviews and research will be intense including subpoena of bank records, and other complexities. We saw that not only did she approach the small as the great, but she demanded the same quality of investigation and written report from the simple theft of $5 as she did of the major exploitation. We admired it, and experienced it first hand, and quickly learned that the final edit of the report of either had to be of the same intense level of scrutiny and care. There is always a temptation to take lightly something that is quite small, but I also learned, through business, what those who steal $5 and are successful do, after a period of time in which they feel safe: they steal again, but the comfort level increases and so does the amount. The $4 theft by a waitress that turns into $400 is not unexpected. This lesson has stayed with me and admire, for example, law enforcement who takes a simple assault and a murder to both need professional application. I also admire it among businesses who use Statement Analysis, either through training HR, or by hiring an analyst. These companies scrutinize hiring of employees via analysis and the entry level application is given the same high level of analysis and scrutiny, as does the managerial positions. Some applicants have actually complained about this. Can you imagine someone complaining about filling out 6 or 7 questions saying, "Why all the fuss over such a low level job?" In complaining, some have even committed their complaints to writing and not just verbalizing. At a seminar, several managers reported these complaints and some direct quotes that matched my own experiences. Yet one said,"Those that do get hired, even though it is near entry level, really feel good about themselves having gone through this process."This spoke to me. It made sense. I wrote and email to thank my former manager for something she may not even be aware of that was so valuable to us all, and to me now. I wrote, "I was at a training seminar recently where I spoke about how you inspired excellence in me without regard to the magnitude of the job. You demanded and received excellence on small tasks and great tasks and I am so glad you held me to this standard!" Then I thought about my words. Look at what I wrote above. I have just finished telling you the inspiration provided to me by a former and now retired manager of a quality that I have passed on to analysts in training, yet, look at what I wrote and try, if you can, to separate what I wrote in that quote, from the rest of the entry. What do you see?"I was at a training seminar recently where I spoke about how you inspired excellence in me without regard to the magnitude of the job. You demanded and received excellence on small tasks and great tasks and I am so glad you held me to this standard!" What is an important part of where I chose to begin this statement? An experienced analyst likely spotted something here that was important. Does this help?"I was at a training seminar recently where I spoke about how you inspired excellence in me without regard to the magnitude of the job. You demanded and received excellence on small tasks and great tasks and I am so glad you held me to this standard!" I did not send it, as I wanted to understand why I put location of training where I did, as if the location of the training was so important to me. Heather and I talked it over and in this short 'self analysis' came the answer:She asked what I was thinking about and I said, "I was thinking about how often I have, over the years, quoted her. I did it at..." and went on to mention the locations where I referenced her, seeing how abundant this was: I shared it a various seminars and trainings, in various locations and even online. Bingo.Location was important to me because I wanted to be careful not to mix up what I said about her in one seminar versus what I said about her in another. I had spoken about her frequently, and wanted to be clear which quote matched which location. Location. Location was sensitive to me. Here is another example. A businessman emailed me and said, "Please sign the forms and include a check for payment. Thank you."I emailed back:"I dropped off both yesterday and the check was cashed."He called me on the phone to apologize. Apologize for what?He said, "I saw your email where you wrote that the check was cashed so I apologize if I was rude in any way."I said, "You were not rude."So why did I include "the check was cashed", as if an honest businessman is questioning my ethics, or I am questioning his ethics?It was unnecessary to write "the check was cashed." That which is unnecessary is very important. Why was it important to me?I knew instantly and relayed it to him. We had been checking the online account day after day to see if our mortgage check was cashed yet, to the point where we feared it was lost and we needed to put a stop on it. This was on my mind when I wrote my email to him about a much smaller check. I apologized. As a practice, I both do this and encourage others to do the same. Now that I understand the first email, I will complete it and hit "send" and pay that overdue compliment well deserved. Can you think of examples where you questioned yourself, or even better, questioned yourself with the help of your spouse?For formal training in Statement Analysis, go to Hyatt Analysis Services for hosting a seminar, or for individual training from your home.

17 comments:

I refuse to speak to my spouse anymore about SA. I was trying to explain to him how it works, and decided to use an example. I asked him, "What is the first thing you would say if you were being charged for the murder or disappearance of our daughter?"

His response? "uh... I don't know what I'd say. I'd probably just be sad and shocked about her being dead or missing."

Needless to say I was confused. "I didn't hurt my daughter" or "I didn't kill my daughter!" etc. is what I was expecting him to say (also what I'm assuming most people would say).

I don't have a spouse or even an other.I do have a few very trusted friends who know me well and when i feel the need to ask if i am doing something the right way, if i am doing a good job, if i have explained something clearly, they will tell me yes or no and show me where i could improve.

My trusted friends are my confidants and i know i can use them as sounding boards and advisers and in return they know they can ask me anything and if i know the answer or a solution they will get it.

Pets may not disagree with you, they do however have that look that tells you they are doubting your mental acuity when you do something really dumb.Cats particularly so.My two have the look that says "Oh lord,that was dumb"

The first self-analysis I did was wanting to know why I used the word 'child' about the subject of privacy in regards to hand-held devices, mail, etc. It was really interesting because I hadn't realized just how much that childhood incident affected me. I just thought I was strict about privacy/mail in general.

SA has made me very aware of what I say and how I say it. However, I haven't asked my husband to analyze with me. My husband and I talk about SA more so in relation to it being my interest/hobby. Next time I say something analysis worthy I'll ask him to work with me. :0)

Side note: SA has made me aware of how bad my spoken and written English are! :0)

We recently underwent minor renovations. Part of the reno was to convert a half wall to a full wall. The day after the wall was painted, after supper, I asked my husband if he wanted to put up the art.

He said, "Sure." HAHA!

Then I said, "Sure? If you're tired we can put it up on the weekend."

He said he wasn't tired and if I wanted to put up the art, he'd get his tools. (The task required that we install a temporary floor over the stairs as the art was going on the now very large wall that faces the entry.)

So I shared what "sure" meant in statement analysis. I pointed out that he might not have been tired, but I didn't think that he felt like putting up the art that night .

Years ago, in New York, my boyfriend at the time asked me "Will you do me a favor?" I said "Yeh, what?" Then i thought he said "What are my plans?' I said "You said you're taking the A-Train downtown, and you said you'll be back later tonight!" He looked at me like I was from outer space. I said "Aren't those your plans?" He said "I'll ask you again: Water my plants?"

What we think we would (or should) say under certain circumstances isn't necessarily what we will actually say should those circumstances actually occur. Not to mention, anticipating one's responses in a situation too horrific to fully allow oneself to imagine (such as one's child being murdered) is difficult. I can imagine what I would say if pulled over for speeding because I have been pulled over for speeding, still speed, and it is an easy thing for me to picture happening again. However, when it comes to imagining what I would say if one of my children were murdered, my brain immediately goes to, "I know what SA says an innocent person would say, I would likely fall in line with that." I can't really wrap my mind around the idea of one of my children being murdered, so I can't "know" what my reaction and verbal responses would be. I know what they "ought" to be, and my guess is that your husband answered with what he thinks one's response "ought" to be as well. It is more honest to anticipate what someone else should say in a hypothetical then to ask ourselves how we would respond, because we will always, always give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and answer in a way that presents ourselves in the best possible light.

Tldr; If you had asked your husband, "What would you expect an innocent person who was accused of murdering their child to say?" he likely would have had a different answer.

Peter, is it possible you wanted her to know you were sharing about her to a group, not just 1 person? Seminar to me signals group, and the more people you tell the more it means she impacted you. Like shouting it from the rooftops kinda thing. Is it usually one 1 reason words are chosen? Or can it be More than 1?

I don't talk to my family about it anymore. I know you told us not to practice on our family, but I still did it. My 14 yr old daughter cares abt honesty as much as I do & rarely lies. She applies SA in her own life & she's better than I am at picking up the sensitivity. She doesn't call people out on it, its more for her own knowledge. We joke abt sensitivity we hear in stories in the news/celeb world. My 17yr old son has Aspergers & extremely high IQ & low EQ. He sees no problem w/lying, I think he sees it as just a means to an end. All teenagers lie. He lies when he doesn't need to which is troubling. I lied as a teen for self-protection bc my mother was insane. The only consequence he gets for admitting he didn't do Xyz is that I ask him to go do xyz. To him that's a *huge* consequence, he frequently (jokingly but truthfully) laments that he has to go to school & do chores and he wishes he was a cat instead. He lies when he knows he'll be caught, just to put off having to do the kitty potty or trash just a little longer. He ended up suspended at school bc he kept making up reasons for why he didnt serve his lunch detention. (He didnt want to miss playing basketball w/his friends) His lies are hugely triggering to me and I haven't fully worked out why. I bothers me more when he doubles down than the initial lie. I give him outs, but he doubles down on the lies. Just days ago he lied about cleaning the kitty litter box yet again. I checked & he hadn't. I said if he just admitted he lied & said sorry & then scooped it he wouldn't be in trouble. He doubled down & said he cleaned it, just not well. Argh! I also made the mistake of talking a ton abt SA for quite awhile & BC he's brilliant he's able to craft initial statements that appear on the surface to be truthful. ( Though I'm sure Peter would see the flaws right away & they'd collapse under "cross examination." Lol) I have unintentionally and stupidly made him a better liar. :-( He also doesn't understand that sometimes its appropriate to either tell a little white lie or withhold the full truth if not doing so would hurt someone and have no net benefit. (Meaning telling a friend you saw her husband w/another woman would hurt her, but having the knowledge would benefit her vs saying you hate her dress which hurts her w/no benefit) Both the lying & now understanding sarcasm or facetiousness are new. Even as a teen if he asked me to save some cookies & I replied, "nope all for me,I'm the cookie monster!" He'd get upset BC he took everything literally. I think there was brain development/maturing which makes me hopeful its just a phase.

I've tried explaining to him why it hurts my feelings when he lies to me but he thinks I'm making a mountain out off a molehill. Part of the Aspergers/rigid thinking means if he himself doesn't consider it important, then its not. Does anyone have suggestions for how to explain why/how truth should be shared, but not always, and why its important? (Religious responses won't work, he stopped going to church & youth group & came out as an atheist. ) Has anyone discussed truth/lies w/a loved one on the spectrum?

PS plz excuse any typos, I'm on a tablet and ignoring the laundry to be folded :-)

I'm aware of the lies my husband, friends and coworkers tell every day because of SA. Most of the lies are exaggerations rather than big whoppers, but they still bother me. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm not interested in sharing my feelings or general chitchat with any of them because I know they'll tell me lies in response.I'm being promoted next week and I know the fake congrats will come and for appearance sake, and I'll have to pretend they're genuine and act like I believe they're happy for me. It's disheartening. I wish I was ignorant of SA sometimes.