Welcome to the Neighborhood

Isn’t it wonderful to have neighbors that care about your wellbeing? They greet you with a pie when you first move in, and from then on they forever pry in your life, taking a dip into your business, collecting information for their personal amusement. I’ve never been “fortunate” enough to live in a cul-de-sac or whatever that makes people reach such levels of friendliness and quite frankly I’d like to keep it that way.

The other day I was affected by one of these “considerate” neighbor types, and I was merely a bystander; I can’t even imagine what living on that block would be like.

So I’m trying to make a Craigslist transaction with this lady that just moved into her house, who’s incidentally trying to get rid of plants that I’m very willing to make a home for. Her neighbor walks by and abruptly enters our conversation, asking her all kinds of questions. Where did you move from? How do you like the area? What do you do? Are you married? Oh well don’t worry, you’ll find someone! Oh you’re doing a landscaping project? I’m happy to recommend a guy…

Meanwhile I’m just standing there like a fucking ghost, watching this bitch being completely oblivious to the fact that she totally just blasted through a conversation, and there’s no sign of her leaving anytime soon.

Here’s the thing though. I get to suffer through 15-20 minutes of this and then I can leave. I can go home to where my interaction with the neighbors is limited to a half crooked smile, if that, because no one gives a shit; just how I like it. Susan however, whose house I was at has to live there. Poor thing has to either walk around on her tippy toes in the dark so as not to reveal the fact that she’s home late at night at the risk of the crazy neighbor lady knocking on her door to inquire about her personal life some more, or she has to face the music and actually humor the crazy broad with “friendly” conversation.

Sure, some would argue that there are perks to having neighbors who are more than willing to be all up in your business… If you run out of sugar; your neighbor’s got your back. If you’re going out of town and need someone to watch your dog or water your plants; you’re neighbor’s there for the job. First of all, who runs out of sugar these days? We’re not in Soviet Russia. And I would ask a friend to take care of a living thing in my home before ever asking a neighbor, especially a crazy one that’s incapable of picking up on social queues.