C-O-R-R-U-P-T-I-O-N, Corruption

by
Austin Farris and Matt Sonnenblick - 2015-03-19

﻿The Chadwick Spelling Bee: One of Chadwick’s most beloved annual events where the roles are reversed, and students watch as teachers step out of their comfort zones and show us that not even teachers are exempt from facing failure at Chadwick. Well, all teachers except one.

The pursuit of achieving “Building Named After Me” status has pushed nearly every Chadwick faculty member to the brink of corruption. As the Chadwick administration nears its decision of whom it will name the teacher’s lounge after, sabotage and internal power struggles have reached an all-time high among faculty. Both the inter- and intra- department controversies have skyrocketed, showing that no two teachers may trust one another. No teacher is safe.

The Spanish department is rumored to have hijacked the printer in the English office, while tensions in the math department have run so high that Ms. Kawasaki neglected to bring Noah’s Bagels to the math offices when it was her turn before last month’s American Math Competition. The political backstabbing has even reached the highest levels of the Chadwick hierarchy, as an unnamed Chadwick headmaster--who prefers to go by the pseudonym “Randy Friedman”--was seen switching all of the white paper in the lounge photocopier with very unpractical black paper. The aim was clear: The teachers can photocopy, but no one will be able to read a thing.

You’re probably asking yourself: What does all of this even mean? An undercover Mainsheet investigation revealed that “Building Named After Me” status is historically connected to the winners of the prestigious Chadwick Spelling Bee. Todd Roessler: Committed English teacher who helped cultivate Chadwick’s exceptional tolerance and culture of academic excellence? Wrong. Todd Roessler: Five-time Chadwick Spelling Bee Champion. Mohammed Leavenworth? Eight-time Chadwick Spelling Bee champ. D’Brickashaw Christensen? Three-time champ. You get the point.

Mr. Byhower, the reigning Spelling Bee champion, has announced that this is his last year at Chadwick. Could there be a better case for a building dedication than to retire a champion?

We (the Mainsheet team) are composing this column before the Spelling Bee actually happens, but by the time this is published, the Spelling Bee champion will have been crowned and taking victory laps around campus in maintenance golf carts.

But it’s time for people to know the truth.

Courtney Bond is an avid birder. She spends hours every Sunday admiring urban condors in downtown Manhattan Beach --usually in the Metlox Center. Courtney rescued a dying Pacific Kingfisher when she was just 9 years old. The Pacific Kingfisher (which Courtney named Taylor Swift) quickly became her best friend.

Mainsheet intel has uncovered that Taylor Swift eventually decided it wanted to branch out socially and have a bird friend in the house. Unfortunately, Courtney has spent years of her life only admiring birds, and has never attempted to catch one in her life.

What does any of this mean?

Courtney Bond needed help catching another bird friend for Taylor Swift. Courtney Bond is also chairing the Spelling Bee event...for the second year in a row. Coincidence? Maybe. But if the rigorous training course required for every Mainsheet investigative reporter taught us anything, it’s that coincidences don’t exist.

Though we cannot possibly know the outcome of the Chadwick Spelling Bee (which was on Wednesday), what we do know are a couple of facts: Taylor Swift has a new companion in the Bond house--a belted kingfisher by the name of Harry Styles; Mr. Byhower is a renowned member of the Audubon Society (a national bird conservation group); Mrs. Ramos once traveled to Canada (the native habitat of the belted kingfisher), and Mrs. Webster was seen sculpting a birdhouse in ceramics class. Who supplied that bird?

That question may have been answered for us on Wednesday, but regardless of possible corruption scandals, we can all agree that the CSAB Spelling Bee is a great school-wide event that helps to unite the community while also fundraising for a good cause.