Sunday, June 3, 2012

Gays Under Attack - the Resbak

I've always wondered where that colloquial term came from. "Resbak", if I am using it correctly, means to 'get back at'. "Respond back"? hihihi oops that's not the reason for the post.

That Fabcast struck a chord, nay many chorts, in my alcohol-induced brain that night we did the recording. And up to now, those chords continue to resonate. Hence, let me be more 'organized' with my thoughts by having 'subheadings'. (Oh di ba?)

Conceptual vs Personal

I feel that these people we discussed, Miriam Q and Manny P (or whomever actually wrote that piece), speak out at a conceptual level when they 'attack' homosexuality. Because it is plain for them: the Bible condemns homosexual acts. Yet I doubt whether they will tell their gay uncle, gay designer-friends and patrons, to their face that they are sinners and should be condemned.

As we Pinoys put it "walang personalan". Nothing personal, really. They still experience their gay friends as real and they do not judge them, methinks. This is all part of compartmentalization, and how easy it is to do. And I, myself, am as guilty. I have my biases and prejudices, born of the conceptual (or even academic) experience against different races and cultures and religions. Yet I do not apply them when I meet real people - people coming from these races and cultures and religions who are just like me. Suddenly, they are people not concepts. And the biases just don't apply.

The sad truth for me, however, is that the conceptual is intricately tied to personal. As we aim to evolve as humans, we realize that such compartments are not real. You cannot tell me I am your friend and you love me dearly and still tell me that 'homosexuality is a lie from the devil', and that it doesn't apply to me. I will take this personally. Because homosexuality is a part of me, though not all of me. And part of your experience of me as a friend is because of that homosexual part.

So I say that to them, as well as to myself. Whenever I feel judgments and opinions rising within me, purportedly at a conceptual level, I have to think twice and thrice before even entertaining the thought.

the Resbak

I was quite vocal about 'personalizing the homosexual experience'. And honestly, that just came out of me that night. Coming from the conceptual-personal dichotomy, personalizing the homosexual experience became the only real 'answer' to them.

I am real. And while I may have my faults, I also have my good side. And I have to put modesty aside at this point. I help. I produce. I care. I love.

And when Tony and London Boy mentioned 'Harvey Milk' and his insistence that the people around him come out (which I originally detested), it all made sense to me. Coming out is the way to personalize the concept. When people realize that this person, whom they have fun with and whom they enjoy and possibly admire, is actually gay, they are forced to confront those biases. And for some of them, it may mean having to let go of these to accommodate this loved one, who happens to be gay. (Of course it can go the other way, too: a total rejection of that person and a trashing of all that they used to share.)

And that is where author Raymond Alikpala comes from when he wrote 'god loves bakla'. Coming out is a way of saying 'there is nothing wrong with me', 'there is nothing shameful about me.'

Ouch. Yes, it hurts the corporate closet to not having the balls for this. To be afraid. And to be indirectly responsible for the attacks.

the Personal Journey

I'm right back where I started. Still struggling with the honesty and openness. Although in many ways, my closet has been opened and left open a number of times. Still, I remain to be corporate closet. I look to my own friends who live such open lives for courage. I don't know how and when. I don't even know when I'll take the first steps.

But to those who are out there, congratulations! You brave souls show to the world, in a very personal way, that there is nothing wrong, nothing shameful about who you are, about who we are. Yes, homosexuality is just a small part of our person, and is no means definitive of our essence. Yet, that little part of us continues to be labeled as wrong and sinful. And that, we know deep inside, is just wrong.

I admire you for your courage and honesty. And I love you for who you are.