I recently learned some truly disturbing facts about paid leave in our country while working on an eye-opening documentary called The Milky Way. Did you know that the U.S. is the only industrialized nation that doesn’t have mandated paid leave? It is one of only four of 173 nations surveyed that doesn’t have it. The other three are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Liberia (or Lesotho, depending on the source.) It’s true. Look here, here, or here. Oh, and here. From the survey:

Out of 173 countries studied, 169 countries offer guaranteed leave with income to women in connection with childbirth; 98 of these countries offer 14 or more weeks paid leave. Although in a number of countries many women work in the informal sector, where these government guarantees do not always apply, the fact remains thatthe…

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?How long will you hide your face from me?2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughtsand day after day have sorrow in my heart?How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

It is so easy to live in the first four verses. But I am choosing to live in the last two. My Lord has been good to me, through all of this craziness, He is good. I am not forgotten, I am not alone. In His time, my family will be realized.

Like I suddenly have the ability that I’ve been lacking for the last several months of looking around me and seeing more than just the surface.

It’s been a little like being blind, and I’ve been totally unsure what I’ve been missing, but it’s been clear.

In other news, we’re about to mark 2 years of trying. I wish I were more emotional about it, but I just can’t be. I’m frustrated, but that’s all that’s left. The plan is to celebrate by actually calling the effing RE this week. Like really doing it. Not just talking about it.

Sigh.

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend. I have dinner tonight with the girl who talked all about the baby no one else at the table knew. Hoping with DH there this time it won’t be as ridiculous.

But it is today. All week has been ups and downs. Tuesday I was super emotional, and I was sure yesterday would be it. Yesterday, I felt better on that account, but had brown spotting. My temp was still high, but I didn’t trust it.

Today, my temp is lower, I have cramping. And blood.

So, onto the next. My acupuncuturist gave me different herbs to try. Hopefully over this cycle I’ll get to actually make my new appointment with my new RE. And then we’ll get this thing moving again.

Cycle 21. We’re so close to two years I could cry just thinking about that, never mind that it’s CD1.

I’ve always thought of myself as intuitive. Or at least, trying to be.

Sometimes, it’s been hideously wrong – but that’s usually when I’ve been trying to intuit someone’s understanding of me rather than just asking like a human.

Most of the time though – I try to notice things.

Infertility brings a level of noticing things that is hard to shut off.

The couple that we had lunch with on Saturday – with a five year old and an extra bedroom in Manhattan.

The single mom by choice with two kids under four.

The friends who just gave birth to boy/girl twins.

The couple that’s five years older than us, got married two weeks before us, and doesn’t have kids.

Obviously, some people are really open, but sometimes I think I see more than I should. The same way that I imagine that people I meet might put two and two together when they figure out that we’ve been married for six and a half years and don’t have kids. Somehow, to me, four or five years still seemed in the realm of the plausibly waiting, but not six and a half. Maybe because I know we’ve been trying for the last two years – but still. Or they decide we just don’t want kids. Which is also plausible, but not applicable in our situation.

The thing is, I don’t say anything to these people. One, I might be reading too much into it. And two, because it means opening myself and it means asking questions that no one wants to ask. It’s the safest, but I wonder sometimes about whether it would open up more alleys for conversation. Still, I don’t see it changing, at least not until we have this more figured out. It’s funny that it seems like the time that everyone “comes out” is after there is already a baby. After it’s already a little bit more moot. But I understand. I don’t want to open up now. So, I just see things.

Do others find themselves wondering about people they meet? Trying to figure out if they are fellow travelers?