I am a writer in search of my voice. Every now and then, the true Jenn peeks through the haze. Those are the best days of all.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A Post From My "Secret Blog"

For some reason, I've decided to go ahead and re-post the second post from my "secret blog" which I kept when I wasn't doing this one for a while. I feel the need to post this so that I will have a chance of being more accountable to myself to do the things in my life that I know I need to do, which I'm resisting terribly at the present time.

It's relatively obvious to me that one of the things I want really badly is a new job. But for some reason, I decided to tackle the fact that I need to get in shape and (specifically) increase my muscle mass. (Notice that I didn't say I WANT to do that...because I'm not sure I do...) I fully expected to spend quite a while in meditation, waiting for insight about what was holding me back from obtaining what I wanted. Within moments of beginning my meditation, however, Iknew what the problem was. You see, I sort of asked myself what was holding me back from getting in shape and I was suddenly aware that I am afraid of being powerful.

That completely pissed me off.

That's not how I want to be. I'm a professional woman, I consider myself a feminist, and yet I'm afraid of gaining power in my life? This opens all sorts of doors. If I'm honest with myself, I don't believe this is limited to a fear of physical power. I believe I also have a significant fear of having power in my relationships.

I can only hope that awareness is the first step towards addressing this issue. And yet, since I can only assume that I've had this issue for most of my 38 years of life....I'm afraid I have a bit of a long road ahead of me.

In case you're curious, I've made absolutely no progress in sticking with an exercise routine. I know I'm in a cast, but there's nothing stopping me from making sure I do sit ups EACH night and doing some arm strengthening exercises also. Nothing, that is, except my feelings of intimidation with the idea of doing what I need to do.