Last monday, Zayan cried throughout his swimming lesson, insisting on ‘sitting with Mama’. The teacher even asked me to leave at one point, which didnt make things any better. He just kept crying whilst intermittently doing some water activity.

At the same time, I felt like such a momma failure even more because Ayman has been needing formula milk top ups. He is not gaining weight much, going from 2nd centile to just below the 0.4th centile in the growth chart. Spoke to his paed consultant and she agreed for the formula top up, if he’s not gaining weight much even with it, she suggest prescribed higher calorie milk. Basically ever since I had my nasty coldlast month, I can feel my breast milk supply not as much as before. It could also be because my appetite has gone down and I havent been drinking fluids as much.

So I hit another low early last week. But then, after the monday, things went really well. There were minimal tantrums, Zayan was listening more and get this, we had NO accidents for a whole week. He is even telling us more whenever he wants to pee AND CONTROLLING IT to do it in the toilet.

I don’t know what happened though. Perhaps I got too tired to be angry and it’s working in my favor. Perhaps all the kisses and hugs and attention are working. I do believe though that when I went on my lowest point, when I was on my knees and prayed for Allah’s help, my prayers were answered.

We had a swimming lesson today. I told Zayan that if he’s gonna cry again, there will be no more swimming class. And I’m pretty serious about it. Why would I bring Zayan if he’s just going to keep crying? He insisted that he would swim next time and there will be no more crying. True to his word, he did not cry at all today, didnt ask to sit with me and kept asking to do ‘more’. So so proud. He said to the teacher ‘Zayan Abang’ when Ayman woke up and sat with me. Haha. Confused tarus teacher.