He Said/She Said: Things I Wish Guys Would Do Less (Hint, Hint)

Raquel

As wonderful as men are, I can’t help but bring up a few…areas for improvement, shall we say…in the bedroom. Guys, I know it’s not easy guessing what your partner may or may not like — it’s not easy for us girls either. But, here I will suggest a few things that we would like less of. Now before you get your knickers in a twist, a few caveats: no, not all men do these things all the time – but there are some guys out there giving the rest of them a bad name. And secondly, no, not all women will agree with these suggestions, so really you’ll have to apply these on a case-by-case basis. Cool? Let’s continue then.

Less of the Axe deodorant.

You are not 14 anymore. As long as you shower regularly (and if you don’t, you should), there’s absolutely no need to drench yourself in that noxious gas which, despite what the ads may tell you, will not entice hoards of ridiculously beautiful women to throw themselves prostrate at your balls.

Less of the awful underwear.

Again, you’re not 14 anymore. Satin boxers, particularly those with obnoxious, garish patterns and/or slogans, should be indiscriminately burnt in sacrifice to the undergarment gods. Acrid smoke in their eyes, teenage boys and 20-somethings who never grew up would weep over the ashes of their satin monstrosities. Seriously, though, chuck the heinous things out. Cotton boxers or boxer-briefs, thank you very much. And if you still wear daggy y-fronts, well, you know what to ask for next Christmas.

Less rubbing it ’til it’s raw.

For men it’s all about friction, right? Hm. It’s similar for ladies, but we like the friction a bit less intense. After a while it either hurts like only a pain in the clitoris can, or we’re so numb we can’t feel anything at all. Pro-tip: If she’s not enjoying it, it’s probably not because you’re not doing it hard enough, you’re most likely just in the wrong place. Move half an inch and try again.

Less asking for things we don’t want to do.

It’s absolutely fine for you to ask once, by all means! If you don’t ask, you won’t get. However, if you ask and the answer is ‘no’, drop it. Some guys will keep pushing to get what they want, but really it’s quite simple — no means no.

Less head pushing.

Yeah, speaking of pushing, PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. Pushing a girl’s head towards your crotch is just plain rude. Further to that, if a girl is giving head she’s probably doing the best she can without choking and/or gagging. We know that what you basically want is to f*ck our mouths, but unfortunately that’s not quite how it works.

Less grotty crotches

Look, I know most of you are probably conscious of this already, but it’s happened enough that it warrants mentioning — if you want us to suck it (or go anywhere near it, in fact), give it a once over in the bathroom, okay? No one likes a smelly dick in their bed.

Alright. Now that I’m done making all men sound like the absolute worst of the unwashed masses, let me repeat: I know not all men do these things all the time, but some do and they damn well deserve a slap. If you’re a culprit, sort it out. If you’re not guilty, keep calm and carry on.