As a nurse , it's especially difficult to deal with infertility issues.

Friday, December 30, 2011

My biggest regret ever!

When i was 14 yrs old, i met this guy, but he liked all my friends and didnt seem interested in me, one day i decided to get to the bottom of it, as , i was as pretty, as tall , as slim as all the friends of mine that he liked, but he just didnt seem interested in me! So that faithful day i decided to go to his place , i prepared myself to woo him, i shaved my legs, put on the shortest skirt i owned and well oiled my skin, i was shining like a brand new coin. I arrive at his place, he is suprised to see me, but happy, we start chatting and laughing away, then he suggests we have sex, i immediately said no! He tried to coax me wrestled with me until he got me panties off, and said he was keeping them, i told him i really dont care whether he keeps them or not im leaving, on making my way out he grabs me and forces himself onto me and has sex with me....I didn't cry or anyting, after he finished he said he couldn't help himself......I simply left. In the days following the episode he starts coming around my home professing his love for me, my sister at this point has been charmed by him good manners and is shocked at the way i ignore him and deny him entry into our house, days upon days he serenades me at the gates to no avail.
The next month(September) , school re opens, the first day i go , im extremely tired, my head hurts when i get home, and i can't wait to get into bed . Days go by and my fatigue increases, i just brush it off thinking its because of the long break from school and my body having to re adjust. I n October my friends have a birthday party, i wear a new dress my sister bought me, at the party everyone is obsessing over my boobs, oh how big they've gotten (my friends pont out) i on the other hand am oblivious to this but welcome the extra attention. About a week or so after some friends come over to m house for a cook and we mix a mild alcoholic drink, after they leave i take a drink from our delicious milky cocktail...mins after i feel sick, want to vomit, my mother's home so i cant let her hear me, i stick my head out the window and vomit my heart out.
By this point I am suspicious, something is definately up, my period has been M.I.A, my mom's asking questions, im throwing up at school, sleeping excessively, eating all the apples i can find at any hour day or night......The following month, my mother decides to get to the bottom of this no period thing and decides to examine my breasts...omg im lactating, she flips! gets a pregnancy test and asks me to poas, im in the bathroom wondering what the hell should i do! then denial sets in , I am not pregnant there's no way. So, i decided to poas and hand it to my mom WTH it's a plus sign as dark as blood....im doomed!
My mom makes an appointment at the dr, when we go in he does an ultrasound...im 13wks pregnant!
On the drive home mom asks me what i want to do, i tell her i dont want to keep the baby!(that was the worst decision i have ever made!) so a couple days after we return to the dr , only this time its for a termination, i recover over the weekend and return to school as normal on monday.
I feel free, so happy that my problem has been solved, little do i know that , that one mistake changed my life forever!
Right now im suffering from secondary infertility due to bilateral tubal occlusion, most likely secondary to infection from the termination!
My baby most likely would have been born the following may, and would be around 12 now, I probably would have had a few more by now, Instead im suffering , dreaming every night of holding my baby in my arms, jealous of pregnant women, in love with all children, having to come up with a large sum of money to get something that i couldve had FREE!

6 comments:

Your story just made my heart break for you. I dont think you could have been expected to make a decision like that so young and im sorry you had too. I hope that you get a second chance in life because you deserve it.

aww thanks toni, u knw sometimes i get angry at my mom, thinking, why she wasnt the kind of mom tht forced me to keep the baby,u knw stand the consequences, but then again she was only doing what she thought was best for me, what i wanted...in some ways im happy she did because the guy turned out to be a big waste, he doesnt even have a job

I'm so sorry you have to live with this. Being raped at age 14 and then having to make a life-changing decision; either are easy. But you did the best you could at the time and you can't blame yourself your this decision. Yes, your child may be 12 yrs old today, but would you have been able to be the type of mother your child deserves? Would you have been able to have the life that you've built for yourself? And where would the father be? I don't know of a single 14 yr old boy who would have been ready for such a responsibility and the emotional damage that rejection would have caused as rarely repairable.

I know how much infertility sucks, but you need to forgive yourself. You did nothing to deserve this. Nothing. And I'm sure that one day soon, when you do expand your family, this experience will only make you a better mother.

Wow. What a powerful story. And what a strong woman you are to have survived, and to be able to tell your story. It's easy for me to say, but that doesn't make it not true - you were a child and you did the best you could at that time and under those circumstances. Coulda, shoulda, woulda is a painful way to live. Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do, but you deserve to feel some peace.

Please, forgive yourself. I'm so sorry about the consequences of the abortion, but imagine what life would of been like if you were a 14 year old mother. It wasn't your fault that you got raped, and it's not your fault now that you are having fertility problems.

About Me

If you cannot hear or have problems with hearing youre known as hearing impaired. Ir u cannot see or have problems seeing, ur called visually impaired.Well hi, I guess you can call me Pregnancy Impaired