Retired Woodbury police officer John Morris holds a picture of himself in uniform with his father Eugene, a former Woodbury Sgt., at his home in Woodbury Heights, Friday, June 13, 2014. Morris is fighting to have the costs of his Post-traumatic Stress Disorder treatment covered. (Staff Photo by Joe Warner/South Jersey Times)

"I was carrying one of the girls out of the house, and she peed on me, because after death they lose control of that, and to this day I cannot deal with the smell of urine — it brings it all back," said Morris, adding that three of his children are currently in diapers.

"After the little girl case, I had problems," he said. "I didn't know what I needed. My wife knew something was wrong with me. It happened on a Thursday, and then I was back to work that Monday."

After asking for help, he was sent to Philadelphia for a psychological evaluation, comprised of 500 true-or-false questions. He took the test "about five or six times" in a two-month time period, he said.

"I was bounced around from doctor to doctor by workers' comp," said Morris.

First was the doctor in Marlton, then another in Washington Township, who told Morris he didn't actually treat PTSD. Then another in Cherry Hill, who, according to Morris, told him he didn't have PTSD.

"Well, I was certified for it, confirmed having it," said Morris. "And I had to keep going back to him, because if you miss an appointment, you are out.

"He also tried to hypnotize me, which didn't work. Can you imagine a type-A personality — a cop — closing his eyes and listening to a guy like that?"

From January through February 2008, Morris used up all his vacation days. He had trouble sleeping, and lost about 30 pounds, he said.

"In mid-February, I just blew up — I had a meltdown," he added.

Not long after, on March 10, 2008, Morris' second PTSD-inducing incident occurred. After being dispatched to Woodbury Manor for a report of two men soliciting for marijuana, he located the subjects on Reed Street.

"I was distracted by the radio, and by the time I stopped the car and got out, I found myself way too close to them," he said. "One of them reached into his pocket, and the other one said something, and then there was a gun to my stomach and they were telling me to get on the ground.

"I talked to them for a little bit, maneuvered into a different position so that I could draw my gun, and I shot him twice."

The next day, he returned to his doctor, who asked him if he was ready for work the next day, according to Morris.

"When I told him 'no,' he said he had never worked with a cop before," he said.

Morris, 43, now sees two professionals for his PTSD — a therapist, who is based in Freehold, and a doctor in Sea Girt, who provides his medication.

The medication is covered through workers' compensation, but his therapist, who he's been seeing since the double homicide in 2007, is not.

"My therapist is great — I can call her any time and she'll always pick up the phone or call back within five minutes," said Morris. "I haven't received any other options from workers' comp, but I really wouldn't want to switch anyway."

As for medication, Morris said he often has to deal with delays in his benefits.

"I'll go to CVS to renew my medication, and they'll tell me it didn't go through," he said. "I'll contact workers' comp, and they'll tell me to pay for it up front and wait for it to go through. My two meds are $1,000 each. I can't afford that up front."

Overall, Morris described the process of claiming benefits for his PTSD as "frustrating."

"When I first started out, I didn't believe in PTSD," he said. "I was a big guy, my father was an officer from the '70s, and I just didn't buy it.

"But, it's real, and it's frustrating and it seems like there just isn't any help for you."