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Oh, The Weight You Will Lose

Congratulations!
You’re well on your way.
On the road to your Goal Weight!
You’re a loser, I say!

You have your head in the game,
And gusto in your gut.
You have made the decision
To work off your butt.
You know what to do. And you know that you know.
And YOU are the person who’ll make those pounds go.

You'll look up and down menus. What care you’ll be takin’.
You will order the salad, not a cheeseburger with bacon.
With your head in the game and your guts full of gusto,
You’ll take this journey down the path that it must go.

And you may find exercise
Will help manage your stress.
Will amp up your energy
And make you weigh less.

It's easier now
You are movin’ and groovin’.

Others can do this
And frequently do.
They’re getting it done
You CAN do it, too

And soon things’ll start happenin’
If you keep doing well.
You’ll see good results
When you hop on the scale.

OH!
THE WEIGHT YOU WILL LOSE!

You'll be on your way down!
You'll be wearing new clothes!
You'll join all the others
who reach for new lows.

Your behind will not lag, you’ll be feelin’ less flabby
You’ll find yourself thinkin’, “Hey, this ain’t too shabby.”
Whenever you weigh, you'll feel like the boss
Whenever you weigh, you will show a big loss.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say it
But I’m just being real.
Yes, bad snacks
And Set-backs
Are part of the deal.

So you may find there’re days
When your ass will be draggin’.
In that case, of course,
You will fall Off the Wagon.

You may head off to Lunch
With a plan not to stray
Then eat your weight in shrimp
At a Seafood Buffet.

And while off the Wagon
You can gain back a ton.
And re-wagoning one's self
Is not easily done.

You may come to a place where you want to give in.
Where you think you’ll just live with your big double chin.
A place you’ll know that you’ll never know peace!
You don’t want to diet. You don’t want to increase.
How long can you live while you’re living obese?

And IF you give in, should you just try to forget it...
Forget that you tried once and just didn’t did it?
You couldn’t succeed, though you really did strive to?
Now you need something else to revive you.
Do you truly think you’ll find it there at the drive-thru?

You can get so down and out
That your heart will start racing,
And you’ll wonder if it’s a heart attack that you’re facing.
If not, you’ll continue to feed your fat face,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Weighting Place...

...for people just weighting.
Waiting for a flash of light.
Waiting until the time is right.
Til’ your job eases up or the kids are grown
Or until you don’t feel so all alone.
Waiting around ‘til it’s just about too late
And piling more and more food on your plate.
And you’re starting to lose it.

Losing your will to start making a stand.
Losing your ability to do what you’ve planned.
Sitting there watching your waistband expand.
Or losing, perhaps, a big part of your future
Just begging for food like some beggy moocher.
Losing yourself, though that sounds kind of strange
Losing a chance that you can make a Change.
Everyone is just losing it.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you will do it
The only losing you’ll observe
Is when you step on that scale
For the loss you deserve.

With your spirit still soaring,
Once more weight’ll be dropping.
There’s nothing that’ll stop you.
For you there’s no stopping!

Oh, the weight you will lose! There are goals to be met.
There is work to be done. There’s still sweat you can sweat.
And you will do great in your quest to be small.
Why, you’ll be the losingest-est loser of all.
Success! You’ll be as fit as a fiddle
With a whole lot less mess stuck ‘round your middle.

Except when you fail
And things don't go so well.

I'm afraid that some weigh-ins
Will show a big gain.
And you’ll feel that this whole
Rigamarole is in vain.

Big and fat!
Whether you like it or not,
You’ll feel that you’ll never
Lose diddly-squat.

It’s so frustrating, but there's a very good chance
That you’ll one day be wearing your not-so-fat pants.
There is no reason at all this weight has to haunt you.
All it will take is some will and some want-to.

And so on you will go
Though your stomach will growl.
On you will go
You won't throw in the towel!
On you will go
And it’s time to go now.
Downward you’ll go
Past milestones and goals.
We’re losing our backsides
And saving our souls.

On and on you will go,
And I know you’ll achieve it.
All it takes is a plan
And that you really believe it.

You'll have bad days, of course,
As you already know.
You'll stumble and struggle
You’ll stub your fat toe.
But you’ll get to your feet
And you’ll get back on track.
And if you don’t believe that
Then you don’t know Jack.
Just never forget the advice that I’m giving
Get fit and enjoy this life that you’re living.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(100 and 27 percent guaranteed.)

I will always be fat
And I refuse to believe that
I can lose this weight
I do
I realize that isn’t the way most people think but
“Eating to live instead of living to eat”
That’s just not working out, and I truly believe
Eating what I want will make me happier in the end
It’s just a big fat lie, thinking
Being fit is the most important thing in my life
Now I understand that
Making myself happy with food
Is more important than
Making myself healthy with food
And this much is true:
People are succeeding at losing weight every day
But I know in my heart this will not be the case for me
This could wind up killing me
Doctors tell me
I will shorten my life and steal time away from my family
Right now it doesn’t seem possible that
I can change my ways and be fit for the rest of my life
This is what I believe:
This journey is just too tough for me
I don’t want to even consider the fact that
I can control the causes of my shortcomings and my failings
It’s just a fact of life that
People like me are weak-willed and lazy
And it’s ridiculous to believe that
I will lose weight and be healthy

That’s how I used to think; then I chose to reverse it (read from the bottom up).

So there you are, in your little boat, bobbing along in the middle of a vast, seemingly endless ocean.

Some days the wind catches your sails and scoots you along, making your
journey easy and effortless. It doesn’t even seem like work as you
breezily skip across the water, enjoying the salt air and sunshine.

Most days, however, your progress doesn’t come that easy. More likely,
it depends on you sticking your oars in the water and rowing for all you
are worth.

And some days the waves will push you away from where you want to go.
That doesn’t seem quite fair, I know, but the ocean makes its own rules.

And every day, you’ll have to decide…

Should I turn back?

Am I content going nowhere?

Will I give in?

Right now, it may seem that your goal is forever-and-a-day away. You’re
lost and alone and the challenge ahead of you seems so large and
intimidating.

But remember this: you had the courage and commitment to strike out to
sea. You crossed huge hurdles and passed through severe storms.

You’ve made it this far.

Spotting dry land may take months, may take years, but if the course
you’ve plotted is true, then one day –– and maybe one day soon –– you’ll
make it to where you’re headed and be strengthened by the experience
all the more.

Your hopes, your dreams, your goals… they’re out there, within grasp if
you power through and persevere. Each day that you keep pushing forward,
each day that you stay pointed in the right direction... well, it's one
day closer to your goal.

Once upon a morning fleeting, I was pondering what I was eating,
Logging in my early meal’s caloric score
I was finally able to finagle, how many carbs were in that bagel,
When suddenly there came a rapping, rapping on my kitchen door.
“'Tis my wife,” I softly muttered. “Returning from the grocery store.
Only this, and nothing more.”

I put down my bread (unbuttered), “Honey, is that you?” I uttered,
“Do you need some help with the groceries that you purchased at the store?”
Then a awful chill shot through me, when it suddenly came to me
That this rapping wasn’t from my spouse returning from the store.
In the window was the blackest, fattest bird I’ve seen before,
And he chirped out: “Eat some more.”

I gazed down at my morning spread, which had not left me well-fed.
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I’m on a diet, (and it appears that you should try it),
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my kitchen door.
Are you some mysterious beast that came from mythological lore?”
Quoth the raven: “Eat some more.”

So I flung open the pantry wide, to find the delicious food inside,
I grabbed cookies, cakes and crackers, then I scoured the shelves for more
Pop-Tarts, pretzels filled my arms: half a box of Lucky Charms,
I laid it all out on the table, rich and tasty snacks galore.
And perched at the window, just beside the kitchen door,
Laughed the raven: “Eat some more.”

Then this ebony bird beguiling (I could swear that he was smiling),
As he stared upon the table laden down with foodstuffs by the score
How did my morning meal turn into something so surreal?
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me why you want me eating, why do you put my will to war?
Quoth the raven, “Eat some more.”

Well, that devil, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Sitting patiently and waiting right beside my kitchen door;
And he wants to see me cheating, only happy when I’m eating
And he’ll always be beside me no matter how much I ignore.
But my heart and soul are stronger than they’ve ever been before
And I shall be tempted - Nevermore!

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you a retread and call it a "classic". This post is what happens when I'm laid up with a bad back, pain pills and a laptop. Brace yourself...

Welcome to Jack Sh*t’s Choose Your Own Weight-Loss Adventure. Simply read along and follow the instructions. Just like real life, you get to make decisions along the way the affect your journey.

Chapter One

You’ve made up your mind. This is it! You’re finally going to do something about that excess weight you’ve been carrying around for as long as you can remember. Good for you! This journey is all about making good choices, so this will be a good exercise to explore the consequences of your individual approach to losing weight.

If you decide to start today, scroll down Chapter Two

If you decide to start next Monday, scroll down to Chapter Four

Chapter Two

Starting right off, are we? I like the way you think! You know there’s no time like the present. After all, you’ve spent quite enough time saddled with that excess baggage. A word to the wise: don’t let your current enthusiasm get the better of you. Don’t think you’ve got to eat nothing but lettuce and run ten miles a day. You’re in this for the long haul, so the important thing is to ease into a program you can both build on and live with. Sparklers look pretty for a minute or so, but we’re looking for a big bang here.

If you take to my good advice, scroll down to Chapter Six

If you take the “sparkler” approach, scroll down to Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Well, that was impressive. You came out of the gates like a racehorse. You ate like Tweety Bird. You lost weight. Congratulations. What was it? 15 lbs or so. Outstanding. What’s that? You’ve already started skipping workouts? You’re already sacking the diet because it’s making you miserable. Damn–if only there was some way for you to have known.

If you want to try again, scroll up to Chapter One

If you’re sick and tired of the whole mess, scroll down to Chapter Five

Chapter Four

You spend between now and the end of the weekend gorging yourself like nobody’s business, convincing yourself that THIS.IS.THE.LAST.TIME. Hey, whatever you gotta tell yourself to get in the right frame of mind. At this point, does it even matter?

If on Monday, you decide to do right, scroll down to Chapter Six

If Monday comes by and you forget your pledge, scroll down to Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Well, it was a pipe dream anyway, this idea that you could eat right and exercise, that you’d stick with it long enough to see any real progress. You like yourself well enough, and maybe one day down the road you’ll do something but for right now… well, everything’s just so damn delicious. I don’t even know why I’m reading this. I think I’ll go grab a snack and take a nap.

If you rediscover your missing mojo, go to Chapter Six

If you slide further into your funk, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Six

Wow, it’s so tough to get the ball rolling. Hunger pains that grip you like talons. Temptations everywhere you turn. And that underlying feeling that you just don’t have it in you to succeed on such a difficult journey. It’s really tough for you… but guess what, Chuckles? It’s tough for everyone at this point. Stay the course!

If you stay the path, scroll down to Chapter Seven

If you have a couple of cheat meals in there, scroll down to Chapter Eight

Chapter Seven

A few weeks in, and you’re starting to find your groove. The hard part is over. I tell people over and over that if instead of merely dipping a toe in the water, you DIVE IN, well, it’s a whole different adventure. And you’re proving me right!

You continue proving me right. Scroll down to Chapter Nine

You prove me wrong. Scroll down to Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Look, a slip-up can happen to anybody, even at this stage of the game. Fight through it and forget about it. This journey is about learning to live a more healthy lifestyle, and that means making a lot of choices in a lot of different situations. You aren’t perfect, and every choice isn’t going to be the right one. Screw being perfect… be the best possible you you can be.

You stay on a roll. Scroll down to Chapter Nine

You come to a crashing halt. Scroll down to Chapter Ten

Chapter Nine

Look at you! Those losses that you thought were so miniscule at the time have really added up, haven’t they? You’ve dropped a couple of pants sizes, too. And isn’t it great how this whole process gets easier when you’ve had a few months of success under your (ever-shrinking) belt? You’ve got this!

You do have this. Scroll down to Chapter Eleven

You don’t quite have this. Scroll down toChapter Ten

Chapter Ten

No, no, no. You’ve come too far to mess this up now. Look at where you started and what it took to get you where you are today. Don’t throw away all that dedication and hard work. Don’t make all that sweat mean nothing. Get yourself straight and finish this like you started… strong and with a deep-rooted commitment to succeed.

You get yourself straight. Scroll down to Chapter Eleven

You careen a bit. Scroll down to Chapter Twelve

Chapter Eleven

You’re doing so great. It’s hard but it’s the kind of hard work that you know is going to pay off in the end. You’re proud of yourself for sticking with the program and you’re rewarded with another awesome weigh-in. Talk about motivation.

If you stay the path, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen

If you stray a little, scroll down to Chapter Twelve

If you stray a lot, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Twelve

Well, setbacks happen to just about everybody. Luckily, you’re in this for the long haul this time and you’re committed to not letting a mistake here or there knock you off track. If anything, these little setbacks are steeling your will even more, because you can see the impact they’re having on your weigh-ins.

If you get it back together, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen

If you lose it altogether, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Thirteen

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! You’re really rolling now, eating sensibly and exercising with purpose. It’s such a simple code you’d think anybody could crack it. Eat healthier. Eat less. Exercise more. It seemed difficult at the beginning, but now it’s becoming second nature to you. And you don’t even need the rock-solid weigh-ins to prove it; you can feel your clothes getting looser and you’ve even dug some of those hidden jeans out of the back of the closet. What part of this isn’t fun?

Scroll down to Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fourteen

Uh oh. Why do you do this to yourself? You know what you need to do to have success on this journey and you’re just getting in your own way. And who are you cheating, really? Yourself, that’s who. It’s time to get a handle on this self-destructive behavior and put this weight-loss journey into high gear.

You put it in high gear, scroll up to Chapter Nine

You fail. Scroll up to Chapter Five

Chapter Fifteen

You’ve hit a plateau, a few-week period when you can’t seem to make the scale budge. It’s frustrating, disappointing, maddening. You’re doing the right things, eating the right foods. You’re doing everything you’ve been doing up to this point and it’s all been working like a charm. Well, it sure as hell isn’t working like a charm right now.

If you power through it, scroll down to Chapter Seventeen

You get frustrated and cheat some, scroll down toChapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

Well, you found the thing that’s worse than the dreaded plateau: the weight gain. You let impatience and irritation get the better of you and now you have to do one of the most bothersome tasks in this whole weight loss business: re-lose pounds that you’ve already lost. It’s like going shopping at the grocery store and realizing you’ve left your wallet at home when you get to the check-out line. Well, let’s get going.

You get going, scroll down to Chapter Seventeen

You get stuck, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Seventeen

It took longer than you wanted, but you finally smashed through that dratted plateau. You took a long hard look at what you were doing and realized that some of the eating and exercise behaviors had slipped backwards a bit. Nothing too bad unless it went unchecked, but you’ve set a course correction and are back on track!

If you stay on track, scroll down to Chapter Eighteen

If you lose your way, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Eighteen

You’re right there, close enough to your goals that you can just about taste it. You’re feeling so much better, have so much more energy than you used to that it’s difficult to believe. This doesn’t feel anything like dieting anymore, doesn’t feel anything like work. It’s become your lifestyle. It’s become your life.

If you’ve got this, scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Three

If you stumble a little, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

It’s hard to understand exactly why you sabotage yourself. I mean, you understand that you’re just digging the hole you’re in that much deeper, but somehow you just can’t help yourself. Because you don’t want this time to be like those other times that you just couldn’t keep the momentum going, you screw up your determination and decide to power through this tough time and blast away every temptation.

You get back on track, scroll up to Chapter Eighteen

You miss a beat (again), scroll down to Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Another week, another fail. It’s hard to understand. You want it so badly, but it’s just not happening. It seems like the whole world is conspiring to block your success. That’s nonsense, by the way. You’re the only one that can stop you from achieving your dreams. You say you want it. It’s time to start acting like you want it. It’s time to get serious, and I mean SERIOUS.

You get serious, scroll up to Chapter Thirteen

You don’t get serious, scroll down to Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

You suck. I really don’t know if I, or anyone else, can help you. Here’s my suggestion: get away from everyone have a nice long talk with yourself. Ask yourself if you’re happy, if you’re willing to settle for a life that’s less than you deserve. Ask yourself just why it is that you’re unwilling to do what it takes to make yourself a better, happier, healthier person. If you’re right here, right now, then you’ve got a lot of thinking to do and a lot of work ahead of you.

You FINALLY get serious, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen

You give up. Scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

Melted cheese on corn chips is really good, isn’t it?

- THE END -

Chapter Twenty-Three

It’s a good feeling, isn’t it? You’ve taken on this journey with a sense of purpose and pride, and you’re doing it. You’re really doing it. Last week’s weigh-in was solid if not spectacular. Next week you’re forecasting more of the same (well, maybe we’ll shoot for “spectacular” this week). You’re on your way!

You stay the course. Scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Four

You slip up. Scroll up to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty-Four

You make your goal. Congratulations! It’s been a long hard road, but look at you! You’re amazing. Your friends and family can’t get over the changes you’ve made in yourself, but the person who’s most proud is staring back at you from the mirror.

By the way, there is no end to this journey. Where you go from here is completely up to you.

I enjoyed being a mysterious, enigmatic fellow, a guy that could get away with saying any damn thing because he spoke from the shadows. But one day I realized that even though I kid around, even though I sometimes play loosey-goosey with language, even though I often seem to make light of this hellacious journey we’re all on… it’s really serious business for me.

It dawned on me one day that not having my progress photo on my blog was undercutting my message. I mean, I can talk all day long about the benefits of dropping 50, 75, 100 pounds, and some of you may even listen. But if I show you…

We’re visual people, you and I, and the impact of a massive transformation can lift us up, motivate us, remind us that what we’re attempting to achieve isn’t some impossible, pie-in-the-sky quest; the simple fact is that folks are doing it every day.

I stumbled into this weight-loss blogging business the same way you probably did, looking for new ideas to help pull me out of my comfy Lazy-Boy lifestyle. Looking for new weapons in the war I knew I needed to wage against my uncooperative body. Looking for new answers to an age-old question: “How do I lose this weight?”

These aren’t people who plunked down two bucks at a convenience store counter and lucked their way into a Powerball jackpot. They planned and they persevered, they plotted and they plugged away at it. They dropped their excuses and picked up healthy new habits.

These photos are validations that, while these kinds of life-changing occurrences don’t happen overnight, they do happen. They don’t happen without a great deal of sacrifice and a huge amount of effort, but there’s not a one of us who have achieved it that would say it wasn’t worth all the effort and all the sacrifice in the end.

Wherever you are on this journey, whether it’s contemplating taking that first hesitant step or rounding third and heading for home, I hope you’ll meet the challenge you face with courage and commitment.

It’s a myth, you know, that overweight people suffer from low self-esteem more than the rest of the population. In fact, psychological tests given to overweight folks have proven that obese individuals are, on balance, just as mentally healthy (or unhealthy) as anyone else. There’s no support for the idea that overeating is generally associated with poor mental or emotional health. Quite the opposite, actually; many slim people who were interviewed said they wouldn’t have the courage to go out if they were obese. They’d simply stay at home and hide their fat faces.

Think about it: you get up every morning, get out of bed and face the world head-on. You accept strangers’ stares, children’s cruel comments and friends’ “helpful” advice, all with a wane smile and gentle good grace. You’ve recognized the inner demons that have put you in the state you’re in, and you’re going about doing something about it. You’re getting your life in check, as well as providing emotional support for others who are also getting their lives in check.

Here’s my point: you’re not weak.

Here’s my second point (and this may sting a little): you’ve got to get stronger.

You’ve got to get stronger because this is a long, uphill climb, and it will take its toll on you, both mentally and physically. You’ve got to get stronger because time is not on your side, and Life will jump up and throw hurdle after hurdle after hurdle in your path. You’ve got to get stronger because me and everyone else that follows your story aren’t going to be satisfied until you reach your goals.

We’ve all got our own ways of fighting this fight, our own methods to this madness. You may cut carbs, she may count calories, he may swim 50 laps a day, I may simply try to eat smarter and exercise more. There’s no one way–no right way–to get there from here.

But ask yourself this: Am I really doing all I can to succeed?

If you can honestly say “yes,” then God bless you, but I suspect that you’re in the minority if that’s truly the case. I know this is going to sound… well, funny… coming from a guy named Jack Sh*t who spends half his day telling fart jokes and making kooky lists, but you’ve got to get serious about this if you want to find the success you claim you want. You need to shift it into high gear, and start getting it done, and I mean like, today. You can half-ass it for as long as you want, but the real results aren’t going to happen for you until you knuckle down. Until you get serious.

There is a lion in my heart, and he’s roaring at the fat that I’ve saddled myself with by being stupid and lazy. Roaring at the complacency that allowed me to put my own health and future in jeopardy. He’s roaring at me every day, filling my spirit with grit and reminding me that this is my day, this is my time. He’s pushing me to run wild and pounce on this chance, this opportunity to reclaim my life.

This journey is not for the weak or the meek; it is for the strong-willed and the lion-hearted.

Teeter-tottering back and forth on the scale. Small gain this week, small loss next.

Three good days, one bad weekend.

Nothing that allows you to get any traction.

I feel for you; I really do. I read blogs by people who can’t seem to get going with their weight loss efforts, can’t seem to make that spark happen, and it makes me want to go to their house and bang on the flint with ‘em. It makes me want to drop everything and make it my mission to push them… push you… up that hard-to-climb hill.

You know what I’d do?

I’d drag you, kicking and screaming if I had to, to the gym every day. “How about an ‘off” day?” you’d cry. “How about a ‘Fat Off’ Day?” I’d respond. I’d find whatever it is that motivates you… kind words, gentle prodding or harsh taunting… and I’d coax a good half hour to 45 minutes out of you. You’d hate me at the end of it, but you’d hate me with a smile on your sweaty mug.

I’d fix you stay-at-home dinners that would both intrigue you and fill you up, enough so that you might not have the urge to sneak back to the pantry before bedtime (not that it would matter, since I would have filled a Hefty bag with every processed snack product I could find). I’d insist that we eat slowly and drink lots of water during dinner. I’d remind you that you don’t have to scrape the plate clean. With my cooking, you probably won’t need that much urging.

I’d unplug your TV and computer at 10 p.m. or so and shoo you to bed. F*ck the beauty sleep; you need energy sleep.

I’d get you up bright and early and feed you a hearty breakfast. “I can’t lose weight eating like this,” you’d protest, and I’d just smile a knowing smile. “Don’t forget the lunch I packed you.” Before you left, I’d take the money out of your wallet because… well, let’s just say I don’t quite trust you yet.

We’d go on long walks, you and I. Long, brisk walks. We’d talk about our hopes and dreams, our goals and aspirations, my endless collection of really stupid jokes. Whatever. Important stuff or not. The walking’s the important thing.

If you hate your job, I mean really and truly despise it, then I’d plot and plan with you to figure out some way to either make it better for yourself or help you find a new one. You hate your body… that’s enough things to hate for one person at one time.

I’d make you so many smoothies you’d start to cringe when you heard the blender fire up, and there’s one question I’d refuse to answer: “What’s in this anyway?”

Don’t think I’d be doing this for completely selfless reasons either. One of the reasons I spend so much time on these blogs is that I feed off the spirit of others who are facing (and overcoming) the same hurdles and challenges that I am. We’re all on our own, at the end of the day, but we’re all in this together, too. I draw energy from that idea.

And speaking of energy, I’d do everything I could to instill some focus and extra drive in you and we’d attack this problem… and make no mistake about it, my friend, this is a problem that needs to be owned up to and solved. We’d make a plan about eating and we'd make a plan about exercise, and then we'd start doing the hard part: we’d stick to it. This wouldn’t be just about burning calories; it’d be about incinerating them.

And then there’s the fun part: I’d walk you up to that weigh-in with certainty and confidence, and I’d high-five you when you rock that scale and console you when it cheated us out of that loss that we so richly deserved.

We could do this, you and I. I’m certain that we could. I have not a doubt in this world.

But I can’t do it with you, right now. There’s too much on my plate at the moment (well, not literally… but you know what I mean). I can’t do it with you right now, but everything I’d do with you, you can do for yourself if you put your mind to it.

I hope you will do it. If you will, I promise you two things: (1) you’ll see results and (2) somewhere, be it just down the street, across the country or around the world, there’s at least one person right there with you, trying their best, working hard at doing what’s right and getting ready to face whatever it is tomorrow will bring.

Girls and guys in the pictures must have worked so hard to look as lovely as they do now after losing weight. You have said it well. Eat healthier, eat less and exercise more. I feel so inspired to do these three things from this moment on. I do appreciate your article a lot.

Jack! You rock. Thank you for being so (choose one or more of the following words, cuz all of them apply!): genuine, hysterical, relatable, accessible, witty, smart, motivating, down-to-earth, real, inspiring, and cool. Huge props.

The choice of putting your photo up was the right one. Not only your blog is more credible but it will serve you as a reminder of what is possible and what NOT to do in the future, that is if you don't want to go back to where you were...

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About Me

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jack,
Who never quit eating ‘cept to stop and have a snack.
Then one day he was standing on his scale,
And he realized he’d really let his body go to hell.
(Obesity that is, back fat, Texas toast)
Well the first thing you know old Jack he made a vow,
He’d ratchet up the exercise and slow down on the chow.
He wanted to get his weight back to where it oughta be,
So he loaded up his stuff and he moved to Bloggery.
(Google Blogger that is, writing posts, makin’ jokes)
Well now it's time to say hello to Jack and all his sh*t
As he chronicles his adventures on his journey to get fit.
You're all invited back each day to this locality,
To have a heaping helping of health and hilarity.
(Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, that is.)
Y'all come back now, ya hear?