So I keep up with police reports from back home just to keep an eye out to see if I know anyone that's getting arrested and whatnot, but from time to time there are reports that I just can't help but laugh at. I'll post them here for all to see:

I remember when I was going to school at UPJ. I stored my hockey bag in the public restroom of our dorm hall and it made it into the police blotter as suspicious bag found in public restroom, it was searched nothing found.

THIS INCIDENT OCCURRED AS SOMEONE DAMAGED A MAILBOX WITH A PUMPKIN, THE MAILBOX BELONGED TO A 58 YEAR OLD NEW PARIS MALE

Ah, country punks and their proclivity for smashing mailboxes. About 15 years ago, my mother went through something like three or four mailboxes over the course of a year because people kept smashing them or blowing them up with fireworks. I eventually installed a Heavybilt mailbox, which is made of 12-gauge steel and weights darn near 100 lbs. It’s bolted to a four-inch steel pipe that I buried at least five feet in the ground using, IIRC, four or five 40-lb. sacks of cement. Every once in a while, a new oh-so-shallow dent appears on it, typically a mark about the same size a baseball bat might make. I would be willing to bet that, over the years, each kid that took a whack at it immediately regretted doing so, especially if the vehicle he was in was traveling at any significant speed.

AS ERIC L. JENNINGS SMITH, 28 OF ARTEMAS PA. WAS TRAVELING NORTH ON ROUTE 26, THE FRONT OF HIS 2000 CHEVROLET SILVERADO STRUCK A HORSE THAT WAS IN THE ROADWAY. HIS VEHICLE CONTINUED IN A NORTHERN DIRECTION AND WAS ABLE TO PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT OF MIKE'S PLACE. JENNINGS SMITH WAS UNINJURED.

ROSS ADAM LINGENFELTER, 35 WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH DUI, HIT & RUN, ENDANGERING THE WELFARE OF A CHILD AND OTHER SUMMARY VIOLATIONS AFTER FLEEING FROM THE SCENE OF A CRASH. WHILE INVESTIGATING THE CRASH IT WAS FOUND THE LINGENFELTER HAD LEFT HIS 8 & 5 YEAR OLDDAUGHTERS AT HOME ALONE

SOMEONE ENTERED THE PROPERTY OF MICHAEL SEDEWAR, 36 OF SCHELLSBURG AND STOLE A BLACK AND GREY FAINTING GOAT VALUED AT $ 150.00. THE GOAT IS 100LBS AND HAS A BROKEN HORN. ANYONE WITH INFORMATION IS ASKED TO CALL PSP AT 623-6133