“Gladiator sandals” isn’t really the right term for these, but honestly, we’re not really sure what WOULD be the right way to describe them. Jeffrey Campbell (for of course he is the criminal mastermind behind these) calls them ‘Lilith’, so maybe we’ll just go with that. Let’s all hope Lilith doesn’t prove to be anything like as popular as her sister, Lita, huh?

The good news is that these fasten via a zipper at the back of the leg, so if you DO happen to think they’re the best thing since Lita, at least you know you won’t have to get up early every morning in order to do up all 12 buckles. Yes, we counted. That’s the ONLY good news about these shoes, though, so rather than give ourselves headaches trying to think of reasons why they might exist, we set ourselves the challenge of seeing if we could find anything that could compete with them in terms of ugliness. And folks, we think we might just have managed it:

This isn’t the first time we’ve witnessed the crime of fashion that is garter leggings, and we doubt it’ll be the last. It may, however, be the WORST time, because these photos are so hilariously bad we didn’t know whether to arrest them or just laugh at them a little longer. We don’t know if it’s the court jester print, the unlaced boots, or the fact that the cut-out sections are almost high enough to reveal the model’s underwear, but these are just seriously bad. Our biggest issue – amongst many – with garter leggings is that you’re presumably supposed to wear them in such a way that the cut-outs are visible, and not covered up with a longer top or tunic. That, however, would mean not just WEARING garter leggings, but wearing them AS PANTS. That’s an automatic arrest right there.

One of the other problems with crimes like the two above is that they make everything else look tame by comparison. For instance, a few days ago, we brought these jeans in for questioning:

We arrested these jeans on suspicion of being Too Indecisive for Their Own Good. They just couldn’t decide whether they wanted to be a mid wash jean or a light wash jean, you see, so they thought they’d try being both. The result is a pair of jeans that will make the wearer look like they’ve been dip-dyed. Or like they ruined their only two pairs of jeans, and were forced to try to cobble the remains together because they had nothing else to wear. Having seen the two other criminals featured above, however, these now don’t seem quite as bad as they did when we first found them (There IS the small matter of them costing £200, mind you…), so maybe you’ll want to set them free, who knows.