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My Baby Loss Has No Meaning

This week has been Baby Loss Awareness Week. To me I have always felt I have a child missing and that will stay with me for a very long time, probably until I die. I went on the Baby Loss Awareness website thinking perhaps I could find a charity or a group to speak to to maybe help me through the trauma I’ve just been forced to live with and pretend it’ll be alright and that I’ll get over it.

I looked. I looked over and over and none of them. Not a single charity or group on that list helped women who went through an abortion.

You see women who go through abortions are shunned even in 21st century as sick and disgusting women who stole someone’s life. We are evil. I have been told that I work for Satan, have been called a monster and even told I am the spawn of Satan. I wish I was kidding. I remember one blogger being awful saying it was my fault what happened to me even after I told them the horrid story of how I ended up pregnant. Apparently I should have simply kept my legs shut. Silly me. I’ll remember that next time I’m in an abusive relationship.

For those who think abortion is a simple thing to do let me explain how it is done here in the UK. People think you just wander in, ask for one and boom you get it, no questions asked.

WRONG!

You’ll have doctors speak to you and do everything they can to put you off the idea, ask about any mental health issues you have, really push you to consider adoption (and I mean REALLY push this) as well as your own health, relationship with the father of the child and medical history. I felt like I was on trial. I was 17 years old and was shaking, trying to act like a mature adult when really I was just a teenager with no concept on the real world yet. I was mentally unwell, physically not doing great and had been in an abusive relationship which resulted in my first pregnancy. I felt like I was in deep water and could barely keep my head up.

I won’t go in to detail on what happens but the whole thing is awful. And once it is over you sign some papers (I did this moments after it happened, no time to get over what happened just now as got to free up the bed) and told how I won’t get another chance in the future for an abortion unless was for medical reasons (ie baby’s life or my life was at risk). So yeah you basically got one go. you can’t keep going in expecting freebies any time you want. It’s not like that in the UK, trust me. I hate it when people think it is because that’s untrue. A lot of serious stuff happens and they are pretty darn strict on it all.

So I came out filled with trauma aged just 17 and bound to silence. I spoke about it because I wanted people to understand but I had no idea people were so against it, even if the reasons were rape or lives were at risk. People were saying abortion was wrong no matter what the reasoning. So I was forced in to silence.

I’m now 30 years old and I still cry. I’m crying right now as I write this. My first child should be 13 years old this year. My first born would be a teenager. What a milestone that should have been. But I’m not allowed to feel for my loss. I’m not allowed pity and I’m not allowed to speak publicly about it because it was an abortion.

I truly feel for every woman whose had a miscarriage, stillborn, lost a baby to SIDS, to GBS (something that could have taken my daughter from me but thankfully didn’t), to all the women who’ve ever lost a child of any age to anything. I feel for you all.

But I also feel for those who’ve suffered in silence because of the A word. None of them should feel ashamed or given hate for it. They still have feelings and emotions.