From silly to sacred, a priest speaks …

Abbott & Costello Buying a Computer

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have run something like this:

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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

St Blog's Parish Ring

U.S. Coast Guard

ALMIGHTY GOD

"Father Joe's Blog is great fun to read, too bad I will have to strike him dead with lightning some day!"

THE POPE

"Right after evening prayer, I regularly read his Blog and note corrections for my upcoming encyclicals."

PRESIDENT BUSH

"Before I have my security council meeting each morning, I check to see what's new at Fr. Joe's Blog."

SADDAM HUSSEIN

"This infidel priest is not funny and is ill-informed!"

PRIESTESS (SR.) M T KANE

"He is a right-wing bigot who is anti-choice and anti-woman. The goddess is not happy with his Blog!"

HIS MOTHER

"He is the poorest priest I know, always pontificating about things he knows nothing about; he is a disgrace!"

ALIEN COMMANDER

"The invasion is going as planned and soon all the clergy will be pod-people from outer space, starting with Father Joe."

WITCHDOCTOR ZULU

"Never have I met someone who was so opposed to true ecumenism and religious freedom. I would like to sacrifice him in my dinner pot and wear his head as an ornament. Voices like his need to be silenced! We should all pray and sup together."

ADOLF HITLER CLONE

"This priest is wrong in his opposition to giving holy communion to anti-life politicians and other proponents of choice. He is not in sync with the majority of American bishops! How is that orthodox? Does he want an altercation at the altar? Now, where are my gas chambers and firing squads?"