California Requires Child Molesters To Have Vanity License Plates

On top of door-to-door proclamations of sexual misconduct and permanently stained records, new California state law now requires that child molesters affix telling vanity plates to their vehicles. Whereas mandatory distances from school zones and other limitations work only inasmuch as the proverbial "Scarlet A" can be seen from a distance, identifying license plates mark a predator from miles away -- a vital asset in protection children, say lawmakers.

"It's always the last person you suspect [of being a sex offender], except for when it's a creepy Steve Buscemi-looking guy who obviously is one," said California State Senator Dick Ackerman, "but the minute someone drives down your street in a car with license plate '16 4 ME', both you and your children know to stay away."

Due to its proximity to February 14th, the law is being championed as a great reverse-Valentine's Day treat for children; as Valentine's Day cards and candies help them get closer to their sweethearts, this law allows them to further distance themselves from unwanted man-love.

"I think it would just make my son's Valentine's to not be inappropriately groped by any strange men," beamed one California mother. "This law is fantastic."

The law is also being met with support from pederasts. The state has allocated a portion of its budget to purchase the plates, which has convinced many convicted offenders to comply.

"I've thought for years that '8 YR OLDS' would be the perfect vanity plate to fit my personality, but I just didn't have the cash to afford it until the government stepped in and helped me out," said Chester Conway, convicted pedophile. "Of course, now everyone at [local bar] Duffy's will know what I've meant all these years when I talk about the time that 'I went away', but like they couldn't already tell by my unwashed flannel."

Lawmakers omitted an amendment to the bill that would have required all convicted child molesters to drive dark-tinted or window-less vans from the late 1970's, and settled with obligatory vanity plates. The first 100 molesters that complied with the law were allowed to choose what their plate would read, while all others will be state-selected.

"'JAIL B8' was one of the most desirable selections," said Elaine Chavez of the California Department of Transportation, "but it was first-come-first-served and some had to settle for their second and third choices."

Chavez stated that other hot tickets were 'LOOKD 18' and 'ROOFIES.' Those that did not get their preferred choice were given instead more accusatory and witless handles as 'MOLESTR' or 'DUZ KIDS'.

The new program has not been without its problems: labeled sex offenders have been increasingly victimized by road rage and their vehicles vandalized, say California State Highway Patrol Officers.

"Just last week we had six separate incidences of child-molester-related road rage and attacks on these poor guys in Orange County alone," said Captain Duke Ward. "We are pushing the legislature to pass some official measures to help protect child molesters from soccer moms who think that they're doing the right thing by beating senseless a motorist whose license plate reads 'UNDR AGE'. I mean, is the SUV-driving mother that paints 'Filthy Child Fucker' on some poor guy's white 1981 Toyota Corolla really part of the solution?"

While anti-soccer-mom legislation is pending, many laud the success of the new vanity plate program. Barbara Walker of the Children's Advocacy Institute said that before the law went into effect, children could never be sure if the car or van that they were being led into by a stranger was that of sex criminal, but a telltale license plate like 'BOY SEX' erases any doubt and sends them running for home.