1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?It was about 8 months of dating. I don't remember the context perfectly of the initial disclosure, but I remember it being somewhat casual. Still "new" and electric, I guess I didn't know enough to take major pause at his telling me. Now, it feels like a pebble in the pond. Fast forward a couple of months, we were on our way to his family when he dropped quite casually that his abuser would be at the function.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?He was always a bit "peculiar" I guess, but I tend to be drawn to the intriguing types. Fun loving, exciting, helpful, kind. His charisma definitely compensated for the emotional distance. As it was time for the emotional component of the relationship to kick in, his distancing started. A lot of "self-care/soothing" seemed to start - long baths/showers, major investment in hobbies, fantasy movies/books, etc. I felt like I didn't exist.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?HELLLL no. I was in therapy for "generalized anxiety" at the time we met. I continued going, and was open and honest. He was supportive. I invited him when we started to have problems a couple years into moving in together. It went ok, but the finger always came back at me. Looking back, I wonder if he hoped this would help me "get off his back" emotionally. A couple other approaches to symptom management failed for him, and now he is in counseling for treatment of a different issue. :-\

1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?We had been married for maybe 2 months, it finally came out after sexless nights and his freak outs.2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?Yes, I knew I was just waiting for him to tell me.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?No, it was prob a good 3 years before he got into therapy, and another year for him to really realize this wasn't working, he wasn't happy with his life or past taking over.

These are a few questions running around in my head, so If you would let me know I would be eternally grateful.

He told me the first month we started dating. He also confessed an addiction to phone sex but said it had passed. I discovered after we were married that he was charging a large amount of money every month to phone sex operators. It wasn't until our second year of marriage, after his first one night stand that he confessed to, that I demanded the porn stop, the calls stop, and that he get his *** into therapy. He did for a few months. He stopped. Things calmed down before blowing all to hell 5 years later.

His therapist in 2006 was treating him for PTSD from a work accident. At his last session when the therapist was releasing him, my husband revealed his sexual abuse. The therapist told him they "didn't have time to get into that". Of course, that shut him down for the following years. Only just recently learned that tidbit.

I always knew our problems were related to his abuse but he would shut down at any discussion of it until last year when it became impossible.

1. How did your husband disclose?It was almost a year after we'd separated. He'd randomly called asking to come by, but i don't think disclosure was his intention. We had a great visit and were in the basement so he could gather up more of his things when I said "maybe one day I'll know what really happened with our marriage." He sat down, said "do you want to know?", folded his hands, hung his head and was silent for a few seconds before saying he was abused as a child and gave me very few details. We had a very intense discussion about a lot of thIngs, there were tears on both sides, and a month or so later he told me he felt really good about telling me.

2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?Yes and no. Our sex life was terrible, but he always had a fitting excuse. He was tired from not sleeping well, his dad was sick, work was stressful, he'd gained weight and didn't feel good about himself. He never talked about his past. "it's in the past, it doesn't matter" he'd say. He drank...A LOT. There was a time when I thought he might be an alcoholic but he never drank to drunkenness...just a constant numbing. Except on our honeymoon when he got completely and utterly obliterated, and one other time about two weeks before he walked out on me. He HAD to move from our townhouse and to the country after just one year. "The front entrance is too small," he'd say. I thought this was all incredibly bizarre but I loved him unconditionally and we had an awesome life together so I just accepted what he said. I would never have made the link, though, because CSA is something I'd never been exposed to before. Early this summer when he said something about needing to learn that it's ok to trust and finding out what kind of man he is, I tweaked that there might be more going on than I knew. He told me two months later.

3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?No. In his mind it seems that leaving his marriage and disclosing to his affair partner is therapy. The betrayal I felt when he told me this was enormous. He does not see that this is simply more running, that he has to deal with his past. This includes his abuse and certain choices he's made in his life. I implored him to go to therapy last fall before I knew about his CSA but after i found out about his lies and ongoing D/s porn use, and he didn't go. More recently I told him I hoped from the bottom of my heart that he would go into therapy. He says he's done therapy before. Clearly it hasn't worked. He does not want to look at his past or his choices or himself.

We met online, on a forum, not a dating site just a discussion forum, and not abuse related.

He posted a bit (very little) about his abuse, I keyed on it and sent him a private message. Got ignored for two days, then a reply. "Yeah well you won't believe me so, just go away."

I fired back, nearly in tears and why I felt the connection with him so fast, from so far away I have no idea but, I knew I had to reach out to him.

A few messages later, he figured out I did believe him and sent me one message I will never forget. "This is me shutting down, nothing to see here, move along." with a smile and a tongue sticking out.

A week, and part of the flood form him later, he sent a hug with "You know not everyone gets hugs from me?" His way of saying I felt save to get close to

Since his abuse has come out in waves, with him shutting down to process in between, but it's all good, he trust me and, that's a big thing,knowing his past, a priceless, rare gift and, it feels really good to be the recipient of that gift.

That goes both ways for us. So worth the shutdowns, being triggered by some of what he tells me, the tears, all of it is more than worth it for what we are building.

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