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Distance doesn’t diminish man’s misplaced anger

DEAR ABBY: I have been in love with “Richard” for 14 years. We broke up after we dated for a while because my alcoholic mother kept interfering. She kept telling me how “bad” he was for me — and I, thinking my mother had my best interests at heart, believed her. After a divorce on my part and a breakup on his, we are now in a long-distance relationship. We hope to make our relationship permanent after getting to know each other again.

My problem is, when Richard is unhappy or upset with someone else, he takes it out on me. It doesn’t seem to matter what happened, he’ll pick a fight over something inconsequential. It drives me crazy. I know what he’s doing; I just don’t know how to stop it. The latest flare-up involved the fact that his dog was missing, so he picked a fight with me because I “always tell him how nice the weather is where I live.” He refuses to get counseling. What do I do? — PULLING MY HAIR OUT

DEAR PULLING: Your problem isn’t that Richard uses you as a scapegoat for his frustrations; it’s that you tolerate it. It’s possible that because of your mother’s alcoholism and the unpredictable behavior you were subjected to during your formative years, you have accepted Richard’s behavior.

Because he refuses counseling, YOU should get some. What he’s doing is not acceptable. It is emotional abuse. From my perspective, the healthiest thing you could do for yourself besides break up with Richard would be to keep the romance long-distance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired woman, active in my community and troubled by a recent incident involving a longtime friend. This is the third time it has happened, and it left me feeling embarrassed. When we’re out together meeting new people, she will introduce herself as being a secretary or a senior secretary and me as “just” a receptionist. The job title is true, but I hold a college degree. I have held other positions commanding greater respect. I am chair of the local Council on Aging, a Town Meeting member and on the Cultural Council. The last time it happened, I had brought her to a lunch at a very nice restaurant, and the people we were meeting were members of my community.

Why does this make me feel so demeaned? Am I being petty or vainly pretentious? Right now I no longer want to continue the friendship. Can you help me understand and form a game plan? I think I may be too close to the forest to see the trees. — MORE THAN A JOB TITLE IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR MORE THAN A JOB TITLE: Your “friend” is insecure. That she describes you as “just” a receptionist is her attempt to make her own job designation appear more important. And THAT’S what is offensive.

You don’t need a “game plan” in dealing with her. “Just” tell her to cut it out or the friendship will be history. Whatever happens after that, your problem will be solved — one way or another.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 15-year-old student who reads your column every day, and I hope you can help me. I want to be closer to my parents. They yell at my siblings and me and call us names. It hurts me very much. If we make a mistake — even a little one — or forget our chores, we can expect to be insulted, yelled at, etc. I have learned to tune them out, but I don’t understand how such intelligent people like my parents can act this way.

Years ago, I decided to talk to them about it, but that was seen as an act of defiance. My parents, especially my father, can’t take constructive criticism and respond with more yelling. Each of our arguments leaves me upset for days. But I still believe I need to do something. I want to be close to them before it’s too late, but I have lost so much respect and trust for them, and they probably feel the same.

Please, Abby, I don’t know what to do. I would greatly appreciate your advice, although I know you are very busy. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. — HOPEFUL IN NEW YORK

DEAR HOPEFUL: You have my sympathy. Harsh words can leave wounds that last longer than physical bruises. Some parents develop hair-trigger tempers when they are under financial pressure. Others, without realizing it, model their behavior on the way their parents raised THEM and overreact when their children make mistakes. Because you haven’t been able to get through to your father, talk to a trusted adult relative about the fact that you would like to be closer to your parents but don’t know how. If they hear it from another adult, they might be more open to the message.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine gave me some books — books she didn’t like! My question: Why would you pass on something you did not enjoy reading? — THERESA IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR THERESA: Perhaps she thought you would like them. Because she didn’t care for the books didn’t mean you automatically wouldn’t. Or, having paid for them, she didn’t want the money she had spent to go to waste.My thought: Give her the benefit of the doubt and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.