‘It wasn’t merely raising awareness about contraception that brought down the rates of teenage pregnancy, and likewise, we must do more than just teach consent in order that people have mutually pleasurable sex and relationships.’ Photograph: Westend61 GmbH/Alamy

To many, offering lessons about sexual consent in schools sounds like a great idea. However, we need to go much further than just teaching “No means no” and “Yes means yes”. Young people I work with know the definition of consent, but too often they have very little idea about what consent looks, feels and sounds like. Young people have usually not had a great deal of experience of this.

We can unpack what we mean by ‘having sex' – that this is not just about intercourse or sex with a partner

I’ve worked with many young people who I’ve had concerns about over the years. If I were to ask them whether sex they had was consensual, their immediate response would be: “Yeah, it wasn’t rape.” But if I ask them about whether they enjoyed it, how they communicated, what kind of sex they actually want and whether they actually want sex – then it can reveal a very different picture about just how consensual the sex was and how healthy the relationship really is.

It wasn’t merely raising awareness about contraception that brought down teenage pregnancy rates, and likewise, we must do more than just teach consent in order that people have mutually pleasurable sex and relationships. We need to offer a comprehensive sex and relationships education programme for all ages. In particular older teens need to be offered something broad, challenging and inclusive – taught in an age-appropriate, evidence-based and confident manner.

To start with, we have to think about how we can both teach consent and give opportunities for young people to actually feel it. In my work with older teens, I invite people to shake hands with each other. By thinking about what they want from a handshake, and how they can ask for it, they experience consent and communication in a very real sense.

We often hear that young people are taught the mechanics of sex but not the emotional side of things. For the most part, I don’t think we’re that great at teaching either, and young people seem to agree. I think for many people in their mid-teens who are thinking of becoming sexually active, the only source of information about how to “have sex” is from the media (both sexually explicit and non-sexually explicit) or from actually having sex. Neither of which are ideal.

So we need to offer sex education that addresses this gap. We can unpack what we mean by “having sex” – that this is not just about intercourse or sex with a partner. We can teach that our bodies are diverse, and that people can enjoy different kinds of sexual activity at different times. Young people should aim for sex to be a mutually pleasurable experience for the first and every time, while understanding that not everyone wants sex.

Young people should aim for sex to be a mutually pleasurable experience for the first and every time

Let’s not lose sight of the fact that many young people also want to tackle the big issues around love and relationships. Why do people have romantic relationships? Why should someone risk asking for what they want, when there is so much at stake? What does trust feel like? How can you have non-romantic relationships, and why they are valuable? What does loving ourselves mean? How can we act ethically in relationships? What are our values around sex and relationships?

If doing all of this sounds difficult, it’s because it is. There are committed, experienced and well-trained teachers, youth workers and outreach workers out there who deliver excellent sex and relationships education – but there aren’t enough of them.

Due to cuts many of them have left the area. Voluntary sector organisations are struggling to retain contracts and expertise due to fragmented commissioning. And those of us who have managed to stay in this field for a number of years have often faced ad hominem attacks from the media and others. There are no quick fixes, and if sex and relationships education isn’t done properly, it can do more harm than good.