“Which of all my important nothings shall I tell you first?” – Jane Austen

Letting positive vibes in is a great thought, but how does one go about it? Are there ways to somehow see all the good in the word, stay positive and not only stay, but see and also feel the positive in and around your life? Negativity is abounding in our world…so how do I squeeze in some positivity???

Now as a bit of a quick note about me…I am so super negative! Yep! Negative Nelly should be my full name for sure. I have to be very focused and purposeful when it comes to trying to be a positive person. I am defiantly a “glass half empty” kind of soul. Though that is not the best way to be by any means…it is also not necessarily a bad thing per say. But it does make being positive a bit of a chore. I have to make it happen by force because it doesn’t occur naturally in my brain.

So, that in mind, I have decided (as in my last post) that I am going to focus on the things that bring me joy and happiness this year. Now, in order for me to do that, I have to really put in a specific and pointed effort. So, I have decided to find little ways to let the positivity into my life. So here are a few things that I am listening to, using, reading, watching and doing to bring more joy, happiness and positivity in my life.

Apps

Bliss

Made by John De Mott

Bliss is an amazing app that I came across while looking for a gratitude journal app. This app goes way beyond that…it has 8 different gratitude/mindfulness options. Those include Best Possible Future, Gratitude Exercise, Could Be Worse, Honoring People, Three Good Things, Transforming Problems, Meaning In Work and Savoring are all options that you have to do. You can do one or all of them and the parts that I love the best is that it walks you through each one to get you in the right mind-space for it and also you can set a custom reminder for any or all of them so you will not forget {my issue} to use it.

*This is only available for Android at the moment, but it looks like they have plans to make it available for ISO soon so stay tuned if you have an iPhone.

Good News Network

Made by Geri Weis-Corbley

The Good News Network is an amazing app that I came across totally by accident. It has been around since 1997 but I only found it like a week ago. I think the best way to describe it is by the statement they make on there “About Us” page:

…the website has been a clearinghouse for the gathering and dissemination of positive news stories from around the globe, confirming what people already know — that good news itself is not in short supply; the broadcasting of it is.

I know that notification are overwhelming when it comes to phones, but I would say that you should totally turn these on, because they will send you one when a new positive story is posted. In the last few days it has been nice to hear the notification come up and just take a second to read a positive bit of new as a pick me up.

Pandora Stations

These two stations below are my absolute favorites. They are so calming and just nice to listen to while I am putting on my makeup in the morning, while taking a shower, or to have playing quietly in the background while reading a book.

Yoga Radio

Instrumental Chill Radio

Podcast

rachelkable.com

She has a really wonderful podcast about Mindfulness that I listen to every week. I am also currently listening back to the beginning or her podcasts. I really like her outlook and she is totally worth a listen.

Book

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach Ph.D.

This book has really helped me with my own self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness and insecurities. I am not a Buddhist, but the principles and outlook of the book are amazing and I always feel so happy every time I pick it up and read it. Though I was originally was given this book to read to help with my depression and anxiety…I have found that it really works for many aspects of life.

Documentaries

Embrace

This is a wonderful story about Taryn Brumfitt that was a media sensation after she posted pictures of her body rolls and all. She is a huge activist of body positivity and she is an awesome personal all around.

Happy

This is a really cool documentary that follows the lives of totally different people and what it is that makes their life “happy”. From a surfer, a Buddhist monk to a former beauty queen it is all about what it is that makes them smile. There are Phycologists and others that are interview that just rounds it all out and make it an all-around great film.

On Meditation

I am not a person who has quite decided how I feel about meditation or really know what it is all about, but watching this and how personal and totally individual it is to each person it just really inspired me to find the path that makes sense for me. Not just in meditation, but in other areas of my life. It was just a really good watch to see how all these different types of people take care of themselves.

Social Media

The Dodo

This page is an animal centered newsfeed that has uplifting and positive events, stories, people and pets that make all the emotions happen. You can follow them on Instagram and Facebook.

Though I am sure there are many more things out there than this, I just wanted to give a quick list of the things I am doing, reading, watching, using and listening to that are part of my path to letting joy, happiness and positivity into my life.

I hope we all have a wonderful, happy, positive and joy filled 2018!

xoxo

p.s. Believe me, life is not all sunshine and rainbows and not one of these things with cure or fix the negativity in the world, but what if it fixes me? What if changes me so that I make a more positive impact of my world? Just something to think about…there is some crazy things going on in my life (and I am sure yours too), but if there is just small moments that just somehow times slows down…a deep breath is taken…and a tiny spark of something good happens…that is what will help me (and I hope you) get through each and every day.

Like this:

i have long since decided not to make any resolutions when the new year comes around, because i know me pretty well…and i just don’t seem to ever keep them. lol but i will say that after looking back on 2017 there are some things that i noticed that really made me stop and think.

if there was a line graft of my year and doing the things that make me happy and that i love to do…well that line would have bottomed out. i can’t tell you why…i don’t even know why, but i just didn’t really do the things i loved as much as i possibly could.

looking back this makes no since to me, but i see the pattern and i want to change it in 2018. so here are the things that i love to do and that truly make me happy. i am not setting any limits or expectations on any of these, but i am just listing them out so they are there to remind me to take time to do the things that bring me joy.

write on my blog

take my #ootd picture on instagram

read more books

go the the movies

complete my unfinished sewing projects

take pictures

go for walks and find new places to take said pictures

crochet the new patterns i want to try

go swimming more

scrapbook all the zillions of pictures i have

cook and try new recipes

there may be a few more things, but these are the ones that mean the most to me and 2017 didn’t hold much of any of those. i can say honestly i don’t know why, but i can also say that 2018 will be a whole lot different!

i hope your 2018 if filled to the top with all the things that bring you joy.

Like this:

this year is the first time that day came and went without me falling apart.

the day comes every year, but this was the first year it just didn’t seem to hold all the pain. when i look back it still hurts at times, but for that day to come in the past i always had to have someone with me taking my mind of it. girls nights out were alway october 29th. but this year i just went to church, made myself dinner and sat down to watch some ‘midsummer murder’ on netflix. the day passed just like any other day this year. i didn’t feel like the “date” held any painful memories for me. it was just a day.

every year since the divorce, when the “date” came around i would just fall apart. but you know what…it really is true…time heals. year 4 really has been a turning point for me. yes at times the memory is still very painful and yes i am a girl who was both married and divorced before the age of 25…but you know what? its ok! those feeling come and go in real time…they don’t hinged on the “date” anymore.

i am growing, i am changing, i am stronger than i ever knew i could be! i have an amazing group of people who love me and have been there for me through it all. it is sad to say that some of those who i thought were my friends have abandoned me on the way…but thank the good Lord the true friends are all still there. we jokingly call the years i was married the “dark times” and but you know, all in all…the “dark times” are getting harder and harder to remember. the memories that i am making now with the people who love me are the memories that are covering all the “dark times”.

the love, friendships, kindness and unwavering support that has got me to this point is the only way i would have ever made it. don’t get me wrong this is not me saying i am all hunky dory…my faith has been shaky, i have been in dark places, and i have pushed people away, and there are times it is overwhelming to be a divorced girl…but my silver lining was when this year the “date” came and went and it was just another day of the week.

Like this:

life is so full of ups and downs. one day everything is just fine and then the next day everything seems like it is up in the air. that has been my week and it is only tuesday. oyi what a week for sure. there are mass layoffs and huge changes happening in my workplace.

i have been hit left and right with change that is totally out of my hands. there is not one thing i have been able to do about anything that has happened, i am just sitting here as it all happen around me.

i can’t say that i am not worried or that this all doesn’t effect me boy does it ever…but i guess that there is nothing i can do about it.

my feeling in a more abstract expression:

it is like standing in the center of a tornado and i am watching all the debree fly around me i can’t stop the storm…i just have to keep myself safe. it hurts that i am not able to save things around me but i just have to watch it be thrown around me.

seeing the things i care about being thown around and tossed in the storm is hard to watch, but there is nothing i can do. it is painful to see yet i feel so lost as i watch the world aroud me shrowded in darkness as the storm seems to grow. there isn’t a silver linning in sight at the moment but i guess someday it will show up.

so i am just hunkered down here in my own personal storm celler waiting for the thunder and lightning to die down. i don’t know what the world will look like when i get out of the celler but at least i am safe and though i can’t at the moment speak to those around me i am safe so maybe i can get out there and help with the cleanup when the storm finally does pass.

Like this:

i know that i am blessed beyond words to have the father that i have. i hear so often from friends, acquaintances and see it daily that so many don’t have a good or functional relationship with their fathers. this is one of those things that i just can not relate to at all.

i hear people say that and i have no idea how to respond…because you see i just got off the phone with my dad last night after a 38 minute conversation just talking about nothing. there was no one topic, no reason for the call or a purpose to it…but it was a great time of just talking about nothing. of which i will say is usually the best of conversations.

you see, my dad works on the railroad and is an engineer. it is really hard to explain what he does and how he does it, but the big thing is that he is on call 24/7 and can be gone for days at a time all over the state of ohio. he can be called at any hour of the night or day to be to work in 2 hours from that phone call. day or night…weekend or holiday there he goes. i don’t know how he does it, but somehow he does. i admire him so much for the amazing example that he is as a hard worker! if you know anyone who has ever worked for the railroad they will tell you it is not an easy job.

and like i tell him…he is literally living every young boys dream of literally “driving a train” for a living! ok so also the dream of his 28 year old daughter…i mean really how awesome of a job is that!!! but i know just like everything, it seem glamorous to onlookers, but to the person working it day and night it is just a job.

dad has been working for the railroad for 15 years. that is 15 years of missed holidays, birthdays, weekend cookouts, celebrations, you name it. he never knows if he will be able to make it, yet every time it is possible he trys his best to be at all these thing even if he has just gotten home after being up for over 13 hours…he will still try to be there for everything.

due to his insane schedule i never know if he is asleep or awake when i call him. sadly there have been more times than i can count that i have called him and woke him up. but you know what…he never says a word…he always answers and talks to me no matter what time it is or how much sleep he has had. yes i know it! i am one loved and lucky girl. i guess our phone conversations now are like all the times he would tuck me into bed as a litle girl, pray with me, kiss me on the cheek and alway make sure that “i love you” was the last thing he said.

he has always meant the world to me all my life and i don’t see that changing till the end of time. now don’t read this and think that we have the perfect daddy/daughter relationship, because we by no means do. we have argued, we disagree and we have had times of distance, but it never lasted because we are a family and we will always work it out. i couldn’t imagine life without him.

i am a lucky daughter who is spoiled to distraction by a dad that would move heaven and earth for me and i soak up every second of it up. i don’t take anything that my dad is for granted.

-he is my hero with dented armor who will always fight for me.

-he is my confidant even though i usually have to calm him down after i have told him someone has hurt me.

-he is my boyfriend when all the men in my life have hurt me…he is the one who it always there.

-he is my friend who i can call at all hours of the night and he will answer no matter what the time my be.

-he is my helper when there are things that just need a mans help around my house.

and he is the man who God blessed this girl with. i am so happy that i don’t know what it is like to have a bad relationship with my father. i have a great one and i know it!

Like this:

i am starting a new journey in my life. i am not going to say what it is, until i am ready and i may not ever be ready…and that is okay too. there are things that we go through that only our few closest friends will ever know about. i hope that in the coming years there will be evidence of the changes that are always happening in me, but i may not ever actually say them aloud.

my life is not at all what i thought it would be if you would have ask me 5 years ago. i would like to know that i am doing everything i can to live a life that is happy, healthy and meaningful. i love the life i have…don’t get me wrong…but there are always things that i can do to improve on in the life that i have.

i never want to stop trying to improve the life that i have been so graciously given. there are days that i just want to throw in the towel and days that i feel like it would be a great day to just stop trying to improve my life and just let myself stay the way i am. that is not something that is easy to say…but i think if we are all honest we all have days that we just want to stay in bed and just let life pass us by for just one day with nothing to do and no responibility. yes it happends but then i remember i have bills to pay and a life that is out there for the living…so then i get my head on straight and dust off the negativity and try again.

i do so wish every day was just filled with amazing motivation and endless supplies of joy and longing for an improved life…but that my dears is totally unrealistic…desirable, but unrealistic. but we can always try to grow and be better. life is not easy and every day brings its own set of struggles, but we can all grow daily by just taking it one struggle filled day at a time.

i hope you will try to give yourself grace and kindness on whatever journey you are on. i need to do the same. growing and learning is part of this crazy life, so lets do this as best as we can. if you have great friends and family like i do ask them for help and support and they will gladly give it to you.

thanks to the grace and kindness of our lord i have wonderful friends and an amazing family that are there for me. i hope you have someone in your life that you too can turn to and walk this totally stuggled filled, and at times equally great journey of life with.

Like this:

As a girl who has been divorced for 4 years next month it makes you think about how fast time can go by. There are days when it seems so long ago and then other days that it feels like it was just the other day. I just wish I could somehow manage to just forget it all together. But would I be who I am without my life experiences? Or would it be better and would I be better if I had never had the experiences? It’s an interesting thought to think about what is and what would have been. But the truth is you just have to live life as it is.

No matter how well our intentions are or how careful we are at life decisions things will go wrong, bad things will happen, there will be success, there will be happiness, there will be tears and there will be laughing. The thing that really matter in life is how you handle the things that come into your life. I have so much growing I need to do, but I know that the way you handle things is what makes your life what it is.

My mom and I will be flying out Saturday for Seattle, Washington to board a cruise ship to Alaska! We will be gone 8 days…and this is a dream come true that I have been saving for two years to make happen. I am so excited to get to go on this trip with my mom! It fall on the perfect time the way we planned it; Mothers Day and my Birthday will both be celebrated during out time away! What fun is that!

There is always that dream of doing all the things you have on your bucket list and I am so happy to get to mark of two at once. I have a page here on my blog that has a list of the things I want to do in my lifetime. To be honest the list grows every time I look at it! There are so many amazing things to see, places to go, moments to experience and just all around endless possibilities that are out there. No matter how big or how small I want to check something off my list every year of my life!

My bucket list is all over the place with content. There are things that are big and will take money, there are small things that only matter to me, there are grand adventures that I would love to go on…and they are all mine if I just put my mind to it…oh yeah…and my money in the bank! J I will be posting pictures when I get back, so stay tuned for a couple posts about my Alaskan Cruise adventure.

Like this:

Why is it so awkward when you enter the doors of a restaurant when your single? I mean I am just eating alone…I am not a zombie walking into the place yelling “give me brains”…I am just eating alone people!

The reactions I get are epic and I should totally write a book about them. Here are a few of my faves.

1) Awe… you poor thing.

2) I am sure there is someone out there for you.

3) You are so lucky…I would give anything to eat alone.

4) Well it happens to all of us.

5) That’s so sad…there was no-one that would come out to eat with you?

6) I assume you would like to sit at the bar…no…oh you want a booth…by yourself?

There are so many more and they are all so so weird and there is always the standard blank stare with the look on their face like…”we were not trained to seat one person…what do we do with you?”.

I will be honest it used to really get to me. I mean to the point that I would just get carry out for a while because I didn’t want to eat out single. But after being divorced for almost 4 years come June, it is just my normal now. I have found that finding comedy and entertainment in it makes the whole “eating alone” thing so much better! I don’t have to explain myself or really respond to the weirdness…I just smile and kinda give them a weird look and follow them to my booth.

I should really consider using this approach in other parts of my life…don’t freak out and avoid something just because it is uncomfortable…just do it and find the humor in the way people are when they don’t understand.

Anyways…eating dinner out as a single person isn’t an illness, a crime or the start of a Zombie Apocalypse so don’t freak out when a single person eats alone!

Much love to the single humans and the humans in relationships…we are all just making our way through this crazy thing called life!!

Like this:

It’s sounds random and is a bit funny, but I woke up this morning knowing I was going to wear a Harry Potter shirt!

That may seem odd, but usually in the moments as I am waking up in the morning I take a mental picture of my cloths and work out what I am going to wear for the day! Even if my outfits seem normal and blah…I put thought into the fact I am going for a look of normal and blah! (yes I have to concentrate my efforts on looking normal lol)

I am a special one for sure, but so many many times I have tried to lay my cloths out the night before and it just never ever works! Reason? I am in a totally different headspace and fashion feeling in the morning than I was the night before. I even tried to pick out several outfits and give myself options for the morning….nope still didn’t work. I always changed my mind and hated my previous night’s choice! So, I decided to cut my loses and stop wasting time and just get up a little earlier so I can pick out my #ootd!

So waking up and thinking, “Today is a Harry Potter shirt kinda day!” is my normal! Then it’s just the easy steps from there…what bottoms, what jewelry, what shoes, and does this outfit warrant a purse change?!? Ok, so not so easy and a whole new set of thoughts go into that process, but you get the feel!

That just a tiny peek into my morning thought process…and I mean tiny…this isn’t the time for my process of deciding how I want to do my hair or wear my makeup! But if you know me at all this doesn’t even surprise you!
So here is my outfit today all built around the fact that I woke up knowing I was wearing this shirt!

*the original pic…just flipped so you can read the letters.

*the total nerd version including Harry Potter background and Quidditch broom that I posted on Instagram.
Have an amazing Saturday!

Like this:

I know I know…it has been fooooreeeeever since I posted last! And let’s be honest over the last year when I do it is not on a consistent basis. So I have decided to do a bit of a different feel to my page. Still the same-ish feel, but a bit of an eclectic posts / outfits /nerdy fandom stuff / food / shows / style / books / hair / travel / memes / photos/etc…you get the idea. 🙂

So…here is the scoop:

~Weekdays will be posts my outfits of the day (from time to time there may be a bit of a story or rambling thoughts connected, but we shall see how it goes)

~I have been posting daily on Instagram and I am really enjoying it so there may be a bit of a connection on here with the posts that I put up there.

~I will post a short review on the book/books that I am currently reading. (this will not be consistent as I read different books all at one time and at different speeds, but when I finish one I will post a review)

~I will have a posts of somewhere I want to travel and why I want to go there. (this will also have pics of places I visit along the way)

~I will post from time to time about a song/songs that speak to my life and it could be from any kind of music out there.

~I will post an update on my spiritual journey…as I am currently church hunting and defiantly on a search to see what I am all about and trying to find a place where I belong.

~I will have a lifestyle post about anything from weight loss, cooking, life lessons, life hacks, favorite meme, new favorite movie or who know what…the possibilities are endless!

~I will post an update of my latest organization progress and decor…as this year I will be totally revamping, redecorating, discarding and reinventing my home’s style.

~I will add in a post every once in a while about the show I am currently binge watching.

~I wil also post total randomness as well! (that leaves room for all the other possibilities)

As I have done some inner dialog with myself, I feel like this is really going to be a lot of fun and take the “work” out of a blog that was really alot of fun when I started! I was wanting so much to have a theme to this blog and alway have a rhyme and reason to it, but I think for me that is just not doable. How can someone that is totally out of the box have a blog that is in a box??? Oyi…I cause my own problems! 🙂

So I hope you will join me on this new stretch of the blogging road with me and hang on to see what happens.

Like this:

Being unique and a bit different has always been a part of who I am. I don’t “fit” into any mold that I know of! I will totally take that as a compliment!!! And you know what…that is totally okay! I am a girl that is a bit odd, strange, nerdy, loud, shy, quite, introverted and a bit much to handle! But I am just going to stick with that! I have wasted so much time trying to be what I thought others expected me to be…NO MORE! 2017 is my year for being me and only me! Mermaid or not {though I am pretty sure I am one! bty ((wink wink))}…this girl is going to be amazing and that’s that!!

I am a girl that need to lose weight, needs to learn to manage money, needs to be on time and stop running late, needs to stop worrying, needs to be a better friend, needs to get out so much more that I do, needs to be a better Christian, needs to eat healthier, needs to think more about the needs of others, needs to become more comfortable in her own skin, needs to own the girl she is now and so so much more. But isn’t that what life is all about…growing every day into a better version of ourselves? So in that I wont to stop letting the things that I love set on the back burner! No thigh gap and all…this girl is just going to be ME!!!! I am going to turn up the soundtrack of my life and just go with it – let the people in the car next to me look at me like I am crazy! I am just going to rock out this year!

Like this:

There are times in life when it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnal. Like all hope is gone and there is no way that things will get better. There are times when the feeling are all I can focus on. But as a person that tends to focus on the dark at times and is easily pulled into depression. I would just like to say that there is alway HOPE!

Though it may seem dark at times and that is all I can focus on. I alway know when I come out on the other side of the darkness that God (though I too fixed on the sadness to see) was not only with me at the end of the time of heartache, confusion, hopelessness, sadness, pain and hurt…He was with me though it all.

Why do I forget this?

Why do I feel like I am going it alone?

Why do I try to do it alone?

I have a great God who is with me though it all…and wether I forget that or remember in the middle of the storms of life. He is there regardless. Holding me. Loving me. Watching me. Understanding me. Helping me.

This is just something that I needed to be reminded of today.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Like this:

I just wanted to post this song and its lyrics to my blog. As I am going on this spiritual journey I need to remember that no matter what I go through, how lost I feel, questions I have, sins I stuggle with, choices I make…God is always there making me more beautiful everyday.

Like this:

I care so much! I care what people think, I care how people feel about me, I care how people see me, I care what people expect from me, and usually the last thing I care about is what I think about me. I definitely need the courage and a firm belief of who I am that will carry me through life. I know I need to care more about being the me that I am and not just the me that I want people to see.

When did this start I ask myself? What is with this thought process that I will be sad, uncomfortable and get to the point of being miserable because I am afraid of what others will think? When did I stop caring about me, what I feel and what I think? Why am I always so concerned about others…while I sit here just wishing for more, but not able to take that step because of fear?

I want to think that I am not that afraid…that others don’t have that much control over me…but sadly I have realized they do…because I have allowed them to. Not that they know it because how could they, I just don’t want to make waves and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I am not one of the kinds of people that need to be seen…let me be in the background and I am fine.

I say that…knowing that when someone starts to question the norm, makes any changes, show you think differently, go outside the box, be vocal, do something everyone else would say is wrong, or just be different…it make noise and people notice….people that never noticed you before are all the sudden the ones watching your every step. Eyes are on you to see what you will do…or at least that’s how it feels.

In the last few months I have seen holes, snags and discoloration the very fabric that is me and what I believe, what I think, why I think it, why I believe it, what I see as right, what I see as wrong, what I see as a black and white area and what I see as a very gray area…I am questioning everything. Not in a I am starting from scratch “everything I beleive is wrong” way, but in a way that is good. A way that I will know and find what I believe and why. I don’t just want to follow along blindly! I want to be able to stand strong and know that I believe it to my core…that this is SHASTA and who she is! There are things that just don’t feel right to me. Some things are just being questioned with a why…do I do them because I have always done them? Some things are being questions because I have always beleived them and I want to know my reason. Not that I am saying I don’t believe everything I have ever believed, it is just that I want to know why I believe them.

It is both cleansing and scary. But in a good way!

I want to go ahead and say that if you are living with any of beliefs that are different from mine…don’t think I am saying you are wrong. There are just things I don’t feel are right for me…doesn’t mean that I think you are wrong and I am right…I just have to get to a point of where I am just doing what is right for me. I respect you and your life choices and ask that you would do the same for me or anyone that you feel sees things differently than you. I am using this blog as an outlet and I want to just be me and stop pretending that I am something I am not. I hope that as I look for the courage to be more open about me that you too will be able to be the honest you that you are.

There are moments as we get older thatbecome the very things that define who we are. We can take a quote and make it out lifes motto. We can chose a life’s verse that will be the strenght that holds us together. We may get hurt and be left with scars that show whenever we are in similer situation. We as humans take many a life experience and use that to shape our thoughts. No matter what your thoughts are on any given topic, belief, stand or “foundation” they are what is right for you. I am not your judge…because goodness knows I have a million and one thing you can judge me for. But we must be willing to ask questions and see why we beleive this or that. The days of me blindly going with the flow are over…this girl doesn’t fit in a box. And I am now seeing the courage that it takes to be the person you are. You wouldn’t think to just be yourself that you would need an extra dash or strength, but that is just what you need. You have to have a core belief system that no matter what comes it is what makes you you! Ask the questions that will make you strong in your faith and beleifs.

As I am taking a journey to get closer to God and focus on my relationship with Him I am seeing that there are some things that work for me and help me, that may not be the same for someone else. Does that mean either of us is wrong? I don’t think it does, I think it is just that we are each individuals. If God wanted us to all be the same and be robots He would have made us without an imagination or independent thought. If we didn’t have independent thought and imaginations what would our world look like? It would be boring and sad. I have never been the kind or Christian that has fit in the “Christian” box…and I have often felt guilt for that. I worry of what others thought about me…why couldn’t I just “fit in” to the Christian box. But where in the bible does it say that I need to feel guilt over what I believe and that I should feel bad when I am different than someone else. Just because I am different and seek God in a different way doesn’t mean I am wrong, misguided, going off the deep end, losing my way, etc…it just means I am unique in Christ.

We all have our thoughts and opinions on everything! Example: I am sure that even if we got every member of only one church and put them in a room and ask them all the same question about say something like…baptism, the holy spirit or are there literal mansions in heaven…we would be probably stunned by what they thought about it…they would all have their own thoughts, views and opinions as answers. I could be totally wrong but I think that is what it means when Paul says in Philippines 2:12, Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

In the verse right before that he is talking about how that Jesus became a man, died for us and that because of that “every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord” (vs11). I think he gave us that foundation and the ABSOLUTE TRUTH of our faith, but we need to use our imagination, mind, gifts, drive, unique talents, etc. to be able to be a unique Christian in this world and do what we need to to get closer to Christ, grow in Christ and be more for Christ.

The way one church is may be just what John Smith loves and needs to grow in his relationship with Jesus, but it may not be what Sarah Jane needs to help her grow in her relationship with Jesus. Now just because they need different thing doesn’t mean that either one of them is wrong. God created us all different and we all need different things…but as long as we have a solid belief and faith in the Lord all the other “stuff”…is it really that important?

I will tell you that this came from a place where I thought that only my way was right…because I thought there was only one way to serve and worship the Creator…turns out that we are all different and I think that make Him happy when we use our difference to bring Him glory. I think as Christians sometimes we look down on the difference that we all have, but I think those very differences we try to discourage and “contain” are the very thing that brings a smile to God’s face. What about that?

These are just my thoughts and rambling for the day…I am on a journey for spiritual health and happiness! I just ask that you be kind…because the Lord above knows there have been to many time that I was pigheaded and judgemental! But I see that that is not at all what God wants from us. When someone thinks different than you, that doesn’t mean they are wrong and you are right, I believe that just means we are all different…you know…they way go created us!

(Now I will just put a little footnote here! I am not saying everything is okay and that whatever you think is right…some things are destructive and wrong on a level that I am not even touching on. This is not a post saying that “everything is good for you and that no matter what you do you are right”…there are limits and lines to everything…just realize I am not being “that” deep! This is just a post about where I am right now and how the Lord is working with me.)

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So my mom was telling me to post more than I do, but over the last few weeks I knew that if I did post I might have said something that I would rather not. See over that last few weeks (months really…but let’s just focus on the last few weeks) I have been going through a lot in my relationship with my boyfriend. As a girl…we know we have good days and bad, so it was best that I not get on here and say what I was feeling…no one wanted those flood gates opened! But now that the smoke has cleared and I am on the other side I feel like I am in a better place and I am able to see and talk about it.

Not that you are getting the whole scoop, but I will just tell you what I have learned through this breakup. Yes I am now broke up with my boyfriend and it happened after we have been together for 1 year and 6 months. What changed…well that’s for me to know…and you not to. But I will tell you this.

We as women deserved to be loved! Now, is that to say that we will all get the Disney princess “happily ever after”…well why not???? Why is it that we will put up with so much less than we deserve? We are beautiful, strong and epic women, yet we settle for what we think we can get for fear that there will never really be someone out there that will actually treat us like the princess we are.

Well I am here to tell you that this girl is not going to accept that there is not a prince charming out there for me. My God is more than capable of bringing an amazing man into my life that is crazy about me! And I am not being selfish about this…because when I am in a relationship I give my everything and I will love him with every ounce of my being…and that’s what happened this time. I love him…in hopes that one day he would love me just as much…but he never did.

I am sure that I stayed to long and should have gotten out way before I did. But I am a woman who loves deep, I love hard and I love to a fault. And that is exactly what I did. I love someone who was not capable of loving me back.

Was it for fear of thinking I would never really have fairy tale love, was I settling? I think I was holding on to something that I knew was never going to be and making excuses that “one day” it would be all I wanted. But I think somewhere in the back of my heart I knew…but because I had allowed myself to fall in love with him…and my heart was now involved I thought I had to stick it out for the long haul. But what I didn’t take into consideration was me…I didn’t see that it was slowly killing me…realizing that the man I love would never be the man who was absolutely obsessed with me…a man that loved me. I am a girl who needs someone to love me to a fault. I need a man that would see my worth and fight with everything in him to be with me.

I think that if my parents, after 39 years of marriage, can be totally crazy about each other, then there is someone out there that will be crazy about me. I am slowly getting to the point in my life when I am starting to see my worth. If I don’t see my own worth how will anyone else be able to see it? If I am willing to settle for “I like you and you are fun to hang out with” after a year and a half of my life with a guy…then he is not the only one with issues. I have fallen into a place where I think that an acceptable way to be treated after all that time with someone.

The natural progression of a relationship with someone who you are dating is that thing progress and that you start to see a future together…well after all that time…he didn’t and it crushed me to my core.

When I am old and gray, I want to be able to tell my grandchildren about the amazing love story me and their grandpa lived. Not that after years and years he finally came round. That is not love…that is settling and not placing enough values on myself. I will be the first to admit that I didn’t want to break it off because I loved him and also (to be honest) I was afraid that I would never find someone else. But after talking with friends and family I now see that I was in an endless cycle of not valuing my needs. That is the story of my love life…I am so good at settling for what I think is all they can give! But I should be shouting from the rooftops that I am worthy of so much more.

So the moral of my breakup…

Do not settle for anything less than a guy being totally crazy about you…and don’t feel bad for looking for that prince charming in shining armor! Now don’t think he won’t have a few dents in his armor, but only give him the time of day if he will love and fight for you no matter what!! That is what I deserve and I will settle for absolutely nothing less.

You and I are worth so much more than we think…and if you are with the right man, he will never make you feel like you are worth anything less that everything shiny in the whole world. He will slay dragons, climb towers, cross deserts, battle witches and warlocks to be with you! If he doesn’t fight for you and you are doubting that you are even worth fighting for when you are with him…maybe you should get out while you are still aware that you are worth so much more.

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What is it about waiting for paint to dry or watching for water to boil that makes it take longer? Why do we need to stand there and watch it? Why can’t we just let it be and just let the time pass that it takes for the drying and boiling process? It is as if somewhere in the back of our mind we think that watching it will make it happen faster. The amazing thing is that the honest answer is that if we would just walk away it would happen in what would seem like in no time.

(And as my love for My Little Pony show us throught the eyes of Spike the dragon…watchin paint dry isn’t exciting.)

The answer is not in the waiting and watching…the answer is in the walking away and admitting that there is nothing you can do to make it happen faster. The watching, waiting and will the paint or water to do something just because we want it to won’t work it usually make time slow down.

And then there are also people like me – true story- that forget to turn on the stove and after waiting for way to long and wishing the water will boil…then I realize the really importing thing that is missing. I have also been guilty of trying to paint when it is raining outside and expecting the paint to dry just as fast as on a sunny day…hello humidity! Isn’t it funny that when we look back it makes perfect sense, but in the moment we were watching and waiting for the darn water to boil and the paint to dry but there wasn’t a thing we could do to make it happen.

How many times in life do we do just that? We watch and wait when in the end we realize that there was nothing there that was actually making our desired outcome even possible. Have you ever talked to paint or water trying to coax it into moving a bit faster? This girl may seem crazy, but I bet you so have too! Have we also done the same thing in our life…are we trying to coax life’s situations into moving along and getting with the program when we just need to walk away and let time take care of it.

When we turn on the stove and walk away the water will boil much faster?

When we let the paint have the time it needs to actually dry, it won’t seem like it took so long?

I went for a walk at lunch time today in historic Covington, Kentucky. I have to admit that I was taken aback by the subtle beauty all around me. All the colors of the flowers, the shapes of the clouds as the wind blew them along the sky, the brilliant blue sky showing through the clouds, the smells of fresh cut grass, the sounds of cars crossing the John A. Roebling Suspension Bridge, dogs barking, birds chirping, the sound of the breeze rustling the leaves and the feel of the breeze on my skin. It was all so fresh and beautiful.

Then I realized that as I walked around surrounded by all that authentic beauty…the first thing I wanted to do was take a picture and post it. When did I stop actually looking at the world around me? When did I started looking through screen on my phone at beauty?

I don’t know what made me do it, other than my phone being dead, on the charger sitting on my desk, but I had left my phone at work. And now I am glad I did…but that was after a strange sinking feeling of “I might need that?!?”, but I left it to charge anyways and set of for just a quick lunch time walk.

Why was my first thought to take out my phone and to take a picture? Why couldn’t I just enjoy it myself? Why did I feel the need to get it on camera, and have my phone with me? Why didn’t I just enjoy the beauty through my own eyes and not by staring on a screen, adjusting my view, adding a filter and all that in the name of sharing the authentic beauty?

I was literally seeing the authentic beauty right in front of my eyes!

Well needless to say all this got me thinking…why am I viewing life through a screen. Why am I looking to get the best picture of the moment instead of living in the moment and just enjoying it? This is a totally unanswered question still even though I have been thinking about it for a while now. But it was a bit staggering of a thought as the mini battle was going on in my head. Has technology come between me and the beauty that surrounds me? Is there really something to, “Stop and smell the roses” now more than ever in our world…and boy do I ever need to listen?!?!

Have a fabulous Tuesday and good grief…take a moment to stop and smell the roses and don’t take a picture!

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Now based on the title of this post I want to assure you that this is not a doom and gloom post! Let me start by saying this girl has some of the most amazing friends in the world that love me for me and all my crazy! So I am not having a “nobody loves me everybody hates me…I’m going to eat some worms” moment! I am just saying that I need to be secure in the amazing friendship God has given me and know that not everyone will get me and not everyone will like me. But I will say this even I don’t listen to myself…I am a people pleaser and I am exhausted!

I try to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness. I don’t know when this started to happen, but it is slowly ruining my life. Now, wanting others to be happy is not a bad thing, wanting people to like you…not bad at all…but when it start to rob that happiness from yourself…you have gone too far! We should never place our self-worth and value in the hands of others…and for a brief moment of pure insanity I have done just that. I have gone too far! I am sure it has to do with my anxiety…that I want others to like me! But it is a lost cause! (Again…not doom and gloom post…just a truth that I have come to find.) People will always disappoint you, but if you have your worth in God and just be the YOU He created you to be…YOU will be just fine! I will be just fine!

This isn’t a long post, but just a thought. Why do we feel like we have to have everyone on our side? Why do we feel like everyone has to like us? I have tried and tried to do all I can to be on people’s good side, yet there are “two-hands” worth of people who literally just DO NOT LIKE me right now! Why? I have no idea…I myself think I am pretty great! What’s not to love?!?!

So I guess the moral of the story…people are going to like you or not like you no matter what you do. So just BE YOU…and live life to the fullest content in the fact that YOU LIKE YOU!! Take it from a girl who was killing herself trying to make everyone happy and like her…IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN!

I have to be happy in the fact that at the end of the day I am happy with who I am and I LIKE ME just fine. So just please be YOU! (She says preaching to the choir…aka herself!) Don’t wear yourself out trying to be on everyone good side, because even when you do everything “right” there will still be people who just rain on your rainbow!

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Could the things that you go through in your life really help someone else?

We all have the past, scars and the darker parts that we wish we could forget. But I ask you, should we keep them to ourselves or should we be willing to share with other as a way to help them?

While scrolling through Pinterest this morning I came across the quote:

So, I am wondering if that is true. Do the past experiences that we have in life give us the right to share with others as a means of helping them? I guess I mean not that we shouldn’t share, but does just having the past experience in common give us a degree in life that we can share our insights of “that” situation?

When I was going through my divorce, after the divorce was finalized and even now years after the fact people share their own experiences as a way to help me. Now don’t get me wrong…them sharing did in its own way help a bit. But I think what really helped me in every instant wasn’t that I could relate to what they had went through or that they were able to relate to me…it was the fact that they were just doing the best they could after the fact and surviving.

It is not that our experiences are similar, because in the end they couldn’t be more different. i.e. divorce because of cheating, divorce because of physical abuse, divorce because the spouse just didn’t want to be married anymore, etc. All these ended in divorce, but none of them are even remotely similar at all to me and vice versa. Not one of the people who told me about their divorce had gone through what I had.

So it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate what they were saying, I did. It was that fact that usually at the end of them sharing their completely un-relatable story they would say something that did help. A quick statment at the end of thier story like, “you just have to keep living life”, “I wouldn’t have made it without my family”, “don’t only blame yourself”, “don’t let divorce be what defines you”, “surround yourself with people who love you”, “turn to God even more than you ever have”, “I am here for you”, “you just have to do what is the right thing for you”… and many other encouraging words of kindness and love. That was what helped! Those little words of light that helped them get through it all and not the fact that they too had been divorced…but that they shared what helped them survive it.

So in the future, don’t expect someone to always be comforted by the fact that you have gone through the same thing, but just that you are sharing survival tips. Don’t try to be relatable becuase most likely what you are telling them has nothing to do with what they are going though. Just be there. Sometimes hugs and “I am here for you” are all that need to be.

By personal experience after looking back over the shared events that people told me about…none of them were even vaguely the same or even close to what I went through.I am not saying don’t share your past, scars or stories. Just focus on how you got through it not trying to be relatable. In situations of divorce, death of a loved one, addiction, miscarriage…the list goes on and on,remember that like snowflakes…scars don’t come in the same shapes and sizes.

So don’t be ashamed of your story, please share, but remember your story is not the event itself it is the whole experience, what will inspire others is not that you are relatable, but how you made it through.

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Why is it that when there is something that we love to do…something that makes us really happy that we somehow let less meaningful things stop us from doing it? Why do we let the negative or mundane overshadow the brilliant?

Each of us has something that we are exceptional at; something that is either our true passion or that thing that makes us smile that “infectious” smile everyone sees. But again I ask, “why do we let that be the thing that gets put on the backburner?”

I have been guilty of that over and over. I will look back over a stretch of time and realize quite quickly that I honestly didn’t do everything in my power to enjoy that time, be creative in that time, laugh and have fun in that time or just live life to the fullest in that time. Not that I am saying that time was wasted or bad, but I didn’t do the things that make me totally and completely 110% happy. I have caught myself over the last few months saying that I feel like life is “carrying me” and that I am not “carrying life”. And that is not what I want my whole life to be made of.

Writing, reading, sewing, scrapbooking and creating always get put on the back shelf in my life. I somehow let all the “things” of life muddy up my day to day life and don’t let the “loves” of my life have the front seat. We all have to enjoy the living and make time for the things I love to do.

The sad part of my story is that it usually takes months of time before I realize it. Example: this blog! I haven’t posted on this blog for 5 months. What??? It doesn’t seem like it has been that long…but for five months I have let my passion for writing and the joy that blogging brings me take a backseat in my life. It is something that I enjoy and actually quite love, yet I have not done it for 5 MONTHS!!! And as I look back…it is not just this blog that I have neglected, it is several things that I enjoy that I have just not made a priority.

So. Do we have it all wrong? Should we make what we love the main focus of our life and let the other stuff the back seat? Should we make sure that we are letting our passions take the front seat and our “life” stuff take that backseat? Would that revolutionize our lives? Would it make us happier? Would it make looking back at the next 5 months any different? Because lets be honest…bills will get paid, food will be in the fridge, we will go to work, we will do all the things we have to do! So why not make time for passion, fun, laughter and creativity?

What if we tried to make sure that the sun never when down before we, laughed, smiled, felt accomplished, felt love, tapped into our passion, finished a project, did something new or just made sure we made someone else feel loved?

What would happen?

And would you know…all this was born from watching Alice Through the Looking Glass? Feeding my absolute love for Johnny Depp and just all around weirdness…my adorable boyfriend took me to see it…even though he is not crazy about the first one. But, nonetheless he wanted me to feel happy and knew it was something that I loved…so we made time for it. Hummm how about that?

But the thing that stood out in the movie was the quote at the top of this post. What if we just tried to think of one impossible thing before breakfast? What would life look like if we just tried?

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This is just a quick thought after a wonderful message by our pastor tonight.

The message in its entirety was very powerful, but there was a statement that he said towards the end of the message that really made me stop and think…obviously since I am posting about it! He said, as Christians, “We need to be the same in church as we are anywhere.” My first thought was well duh, but then I began to think…there are are people don’t. He was referring to our testimony and the life that we live day to day. And we feel like we can act one way at church and then another to the rest of the world.

I was a challenged by that statement. For us as the kids of God we need to live our lives the same no matter if we are at church, work or anywhere. There are some that feel they need to act one way at church, one way at work and one way somewhere else. But we should be who we are in Christ no matter where we are…no matter the circumstances!

This year I want to work on doing just that…being the me I am in Christ in every aspect of my life. I don’t want to be any different than who I am, no matter who I am with, what I am doing or where I am at.

You have probably gathered that I am all about being you, being real and being unique! And this is the perfect example of that! We need to always be us! And I think if we began to live our lives to be fully authentic Christians in this word always; people will see Christ in us in a way that they never have before. Because who has time to be different all the time…as they say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

So, just be who you are as a child of the King and be proud of it! Church is the best place to be a Christian because you are surrounded, but how much should be just that in every aspect of our lives; A CHRISTIAN!

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There has always been this image that I have had in my head for what my “perfect” life would look like. Needless to say, I know that my life will never be “perfect”, but I know I can work hard to make it exactly like I want it to be. I have always wanted to be able to tell people why I believe what I believe and live my life based on those beliefs not based on the rules and expectations of others. Yet I have lived that life for a long season, living the life others said to live…but this girl is over it and she is paving out a new road that she has built for herself with the love, help, support and council of others. I will no longer blindly follow what people say, but I will search out the reasons and whether or not I too will make that a part of my life.

In my life, I have often felt like I had to wait till all the pieces fell into place, but I am beginning to see that I have just been allowing my life to be tossed and turned by the waves of the man’s opinion (not all God’s), and I haven’t actually taken the control that I could over my own life. Why have I felt this way? I don’t know if it has something to do with the fact that I want to see the good in people and can’t see why anyone would wish harm or expect blind obedience to their thinking. But after seeing that people can indeed have a dark side (no Star Wars pun there)I see that I was letting other people tell me how to live my life and letting myself be told who I am and what I believe. Well not anymore! I am in a place in life that I want to be! I also know that I am there by the grace and kindness of my Jesus. He made me a unique creation in Him and I have to stop trying to be like everyone and stop just believing things, but actually searching out and study God’s Word for answers. I have to take charge of my life and live it the way I want to live it in light of what I see His Word says.

Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

1 John 4:1

The bible tells us in several places that we can’t just easily trust even the preachers and spiritual leader of today. The verses listed in this post are just a few that have been my motivation for searching out His Word and not just taking people’s word for it. I am not saying this is true about all preachers or teacher, but I am saying that I believe that in my past I have sat under the authority of people that were not of God and I let them influence me. Looking back I see they were not people that I should have listened to.

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

I am saying all of this because it still to this day affects me and the struggle that I now face with determining what my beliefs are. This is not to say that I am trying to be a rebel, or that I am shaking my fist saying, “I will live my life the way I want!”, it is just me saying, “I will live the life that I have found in Christ as His creation, not the life other think I should live!” I am tired of being told that I have to do this and that to be a good Christian…and doing things just because I have been told. I want to live my life the way I do because I have studied, prayed and believe that this is a life that is pleasing to God.

I know that as I look back on my life during my teens going forwards, there was a point that I lost my identity. I was living a life that I was told to, just because I was told to, not because it was what I believed. I completely blended into what was expected of me, because it was expected of me…not because it was who I was. Because of this, I have struggled for years to clear my life of preconceived notions, beliefs, rules and regulations. And it is not easy! I have gone through seasons of guilt, confusion, doubt and insecurity because my mind is filled with what people said, and not what God said!

Thus saith the LORD of hosts, Hearken not unto the words of the prophets that prophesy unto you: they make you vain: they speak a vision of their own heart, and not out of the mouth of the LORD.

Jeremiah 23:16 (KJV)

But the time came, and I can’t tell you when that moment was (but I sure wish sooner than I did), but I am finally listening to the loving advice that my parents had been telling me all my life, in relation to being a Christian, “Don’t do it because you are being told to, do it because it is what you want to do it and you believe in it.” They have always told me to search God’s Word for answers and not just to listen to the things people say, but I didn’t listen. Now, that is not to say that everything I have ever been told is wrong, or that everything I have ever been told is right. It just simply means that there is a need to find out what I think about what is being told to me. That goes for my humanity, my worth, my Christianity, my relationships, my morals, my beliefs, my goals, my aspirations, my life and…well, my everything.

I have to decide! I have to stop letting people decide for me.

Funny how that is…am I right? Finally getting to the place where you realize that your parents are very wise and know what is going on, because they have been there too?! And boy do I wish I would have figured it out sooner! But let me tell you, there is nothing like living a life that is good, because it is good to you. There is nothing like having a passion, because it is a passion to you. There is nothing like having a drive, because the drive is part of you. There is nothing like believing because it is what you believe. There is nothing like having a goal, because it is a goal that is great for you. There is nothing like serving God because you want to, not because you are being told to.

I have never had more passion and understanding as to why I do the things I do, not because someone told me to do it, but because it is the complete and total essence of who I am. I can tell you exactly why I believe and have peace about the things I do. Now, I will never understand or fully get everything…that’s were FAITH comes in, but every day is another day on the journey of who I am in Christ. And we may not always agree about everything, but I know that when it is your choice, you can create the life that is “perfect” for you!

So I will finish by just saying that I hope you can find the place in life were you are fully you! Not the you that others tell you to be, but the you that is honest to yourself.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

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So today was spent cleaning and organizing my office/spare bedroom. The room had kind of turned into the catch-all for all the boxes, bags and tubs I haven’t opened since I moved into my house in July. I spent more time than I can tell going through all my stuff…half of it I didn’t even remember that I had the other half were things I was looking for and could find. It is funny how that works. I found pictures, money in old purses, jewelry, hair bows, nick-knacks and all kind of things.

The part that is wonderful to me is how in cleaning and attempting to got myself organized, God has shown me a sweet time of memories and blessings. I found notes of encouragement that I held onto that remind me of those that care for me, gifts cards that still have money on them (yay for free stuff), pictures that brought a smile to my face and just so many neat things that hold stories from my life. All things that am so happy that I found and amazed at how I forgot about them.

So just a thought…some things don’t mean a thing years later, but some things can mean the world to “future you”. So think about the things you just toss away that mean a lot…also don’t hold on the meaningless junk (that…I had three bags full of). I see now the things that have brought a smile to my face and now have a better understanding of what is precious to hold on to for the future.

This is short post today, but I just had to share how cleaning and trying to start the year off organized…ended up being a blessing to me when I didn’t even know I needed it.

Like this:

Over the last few months two wonderful people, my best friend and my boyfriend, have been a true blessing to me. We have been talking a lot about how it honestly doesn’t matter what people think of you or how they feel about what you believe, who you are, or what you do…that is between you and God! People may not understand me, they may judge me and they may not agree with me, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get along. We are all unique in Christ…hello…that’s why he created us with free will! He wanted each of us to be individual and distinct from each other.

If He had wanted us all to be exactly the same like robots, He would have created us that way!

Just be the you that God created you to be!

As the New Year is tonight, change has been on my mind a lot. “Tis the season”! But I also have to make sure that the changes that I am making are not ones that will make me be more like others, but that the change would make me more like Christ and help me to grow closer to Him. He is the only one that we should ever wish to be like. Now, that said…I am finding that as I find out more about Him through my bible study and prayer, things that I once believed to be such a huge deals are falling to ashes. Why? Because I see that they are not the real reason that we are here on this earth. We don’t all need to dress the same, act the same, have our hair the same, go to the same places, talk to the same people, read the same things, watch the same things, listen to the same music or do the same things in order to be good Christians. Again…be unique in Christ! There are extreme wrongs in every one of the above things I listed, but that is not what I am talking about. This is just a surface thing…don’t dig too deep into what I am saying.

I just think that the petty issues that are causing divisions today are so trivial. We are all different, yet we are so wrapped up in a generation of believers that want everything the same or there is no fellowship between them! I just can’t believe that God in heaven thinks that things like that really matter. As long as we believe in the same God, salvation and security…why do all the little things seem so big?

Why am I rambling about this particular topic? Well, I read this quote today from Jane Austen:

“One man’s ways may be as good as another’s, but we all like our own best.”

… and it really got my mind swimming. We are so wrapped up in “you’re wrong and I am right” that we don’t even see the division among us. We are refusing to have anything to do with one another because of the, in my opinion, craziest things I have ever heard of! Just to tell you small examples of what I am talking about to bring this post to an end and to show you that I am not talking about deep theological things, (bible version, baptism, salvation, etc.) I am just referencing the petty ones.

Someone I knew attended a church that believes that if someone preaches behind the pulpit that they must be wearing a suit with a white shirt button up shirt with a tie. It has to be white…the tie can be any color, but the shirt must be white! And if there is not a tie on…well just forget it…that person will not get to preach. No one is allowed to preach if they wear a colored shirt and they must have on a tie? Seriously?

There are those that believe that writing in your bible is defacing God’s Word.

There are those that believe that men shouldn’t have facial hair. (Hello…Jesus had a beard!)

There are those that believe that you shouldn’t use soundtracks to sing with in Church.

Yet, these minuscule issues are dividing God’s Children…people are going to be shocked and totally blown away when they get to heaven and members to the church down the street are there too! And to me that is ridicules. We are God’s children…yet sometimes we just act like brats to our siblings in Christ. Now this may offend someone, and that is not my goal or intentions at all with this post, but I just can’t see that God in heaven is really concerned about the color of the shirts His men wear and if they wear a tie, if they have facial hair, if they write in their bible, if they used a soundtrack to sing by, and on and on the list goes.

And wouldn’t you know there was an issue in the bible when people were arguing about an issue and Paul just straight up told them to stop that what they were making a huge issue didn’t mean a thing in the eyes of God:

Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren, by them which are of the house of Chloe, that there are contentions among you. Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of Apollos; and I of Cephas; and I of Christ. Is Christ divided? was Paul crucified for you? or were ye baptized in the name of Paul? I thank God that I baptized none of you, but Crispus and Gaius; Lest any should say that I had baptized in mine own name. And I baptized also the household of Stephanas: besides, I know not whether I baptized any other. For Christ sent me not to baptize, but to preach the gospel: not with wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ should be made of none effect.

I Corinthians 1 10-17 (KJV)

There are just so many more issue in this world than the pettiness that is between us. Yet there division, hate, arguing and so much because of these…in my opinion STUPID differences! Imagine what the combined efforts of those two bodies of believers could accomplish if they worked together for the kingdom of God. When did we as Christians get so wrapped up in traditions and petty issues that don’t mean a thing to God? When did we take our eyes of the God that created us unique and beautiful with differences, opinions and thoughts?

So, I know that is the last year my eyes have be opened to the great number of issues that once seemed so important, yet I am seeing that God is so much more concerned about our relationship with him and the winning of souls to care weather a man has a beard or not. And that is why I am posting this. It may seem like I got off topic with this post, but really…as the new year comes I want to focus on not being judgmental, loving other believers more, stepping outside of my “Christian comfort zone” and really peruse a relationship with my God that is life altering and will change others around me. I want to be a Christian that see that God is all that matters…not the petty difference that done hold an ounce of weight in the eyes of eternity!

Happy New Years Eve!

Just so you know: In saying what I have said in this post I want to make sure that you don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t believe that there are different ways to heaven or that every religion is serving the same God and we will all get there just on different roads…NOT AT ALL! There is only one God and only one means of Salvation. But I just think that we need to stop trying so hard to be just like everyone else and being so focused on petty things when we should all be striving to be more like Christ.

So as you can see I have changed my blog layout “again”. It is like picking out an outfit…and that is really hard for me to do anyways, so in 2016 it may just change again.

I have always been so bad at making decisions…just ask anyone that knows me. My style, taste and…just about everything about me is ever-changing. I don’t see that as a bad thing, but it is something that is unique to every individual. I know that the core of who and what I beleive is always the same, but the things that don’t truly matter are ever changing like my hair, makeup, fashion sense, blog layout, etc.

Like this:

I have spent most of my time worrying about things that have never happened. – Mark Twain

As the year of 2016 is fast approaching and resolutions for the bettering of ourselves are everywhere what is it that I will chose as my goal for the New Year? What will be the one thing that I focus on this coming year that will make me a better person? Now, to be honest, in previous years it has be a list of ton of things, but this year I want it to be one thing that I can focus totally on that will completely change my life. I don’t want to create a list of things a mile long that I will never be able to accomplish. I don’t want a list of items that I know will be more of a burden that I help. Why would I set myself up for failure again like I have done in past years?

After looking over my life in 2015 I see one giant flashing sigh…WORRY.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a worrier. I worry myself to death just about over everything. I don’t go a day without worrying about something. I often feel like I have worried all my life, but my mom reminds me that when I was a child I didn’t worry about anything. So, what changed? What made me all the sudden start to worry about literally everything? When did the burden that I now bear of constant worry invade my life? When did I start to think that dwelling on the unknown would in any way help me get though it? When did the issues and cares of life become my constant companion? I don’t know if I can pin-point the exact moment when this became me, and I may not know when it happened, but I know that I don’t want to stay there anymore. I want to change this toxic cycle of worry in my life.

Worry is a part of me…but why?

They say hind-sight is 20/20, and after looking back and seeing that worry never did a thing for me…well…but literally give me physical ulcers and wasted unmeasurable hours of my year. I want to do all I can to stop it! I want to utterly and completely redesign my life from the ground up. I want to strive and prioitze my goal in such a way that a deeper and more meaningful relationship with my God will be the result of my 2016!

This is a New Year and I want to focus on becoming a new me in Christ. And for that to happen I have to stop worrying. I mean seriously…if I am going to say that I am a Christian, yet worry…doesn’t that seem a bit oxymoronic? To say that I have put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ, yet I worry daily about my future, my present and my past. How can I truly say that I am a Christian and not trust God to take care of my life? I have literally put my life’s existence in the hand of an all-powerful God, yet I worry over what tomorrow holds, how today will go and how my past will affect my life? How is that even possible? It is amazing to me that the devil is able to use the struggles of my life to try to make me totally useless to God. He knows that worry and anxiety are my biggest fears and he is all about exposing them. He knows that if he can get me to worry that he can distract me from the usefulness that I could be to Christ. Because if I was trusting God and living a fulfilling life and had a powerful walk with Christ my life would be so much better.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 KJV

(Verses given to me by a sweet friend as encouragement. – Thank you!)

So here is to a year of less worry and a life of looking, growing and relying on my wonderful God of second chance. I know I will struggle and I will worry, but my goal and prayer is that when I start to worry I will turn to my God to help me through; not to the act of worrying about things I can’t change. I am looking to prayer and bible reading to transform my life in Christ. I know that God is for me and wants me to be a happy and successful child in His family, but that will not happen if I stay in this pit of worry I have dug up around myself.

I pray that you too can find the one thing that you see was your struggle in 2015 and that it will help you grow into a happy and successful child of God. Don’t make a list a mile long, just pick one thing and focus on only that!

Like this:

So really cool to see what my blog has been up to this 2015 year. I am hoping to do so much more this coming year of 2016. I know that I am just one voice speaking on a planet of billions, but it is awesome that anyone out there would be able to see what I write and what I share. It is my prayer that someone will get to know me the God that I love on my crazy little corner of the internet.

2016 here I come…

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 23 trips to carry that many people.

Like this:

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Rom 5:8 (KJV)

When I think about the love of God, I am so taken back by why He would love someone like me. Why would a person like me ever be loved enough to deserve someone dying for me. What have I done that would merit the love of my Heavenly Father? What could He see in me that would ever make Him want to give His life for me?

Yet somehow the Creator of the universe loves me so much that He sent His son to die for me! He loves me so much that He died for me! The love of my Father is unbelievable, yet it is so real. It is vaster that I will ever understand. Yet it is the very reason for my existence. I am loved with a love so consuming that my mind can’t seem to process the greatness of this passion my Savior has for me. Yet, as I stop to think of this love given me by The Father, I am also faced with who I am. It is a hard thing to admit what you truly are, but faced with unfathomable love how could you not take a moment to reflect on who you are.

The love that is given to me is life altering and it is hard to be so open with even myself, but in light of His great love, I see in myself totally undeserving.

I have flaws

I have scars

I have a past

I have baggage

I have a broken heart

I have a temper

I hold grudges

I am not great at forgiveness

I have a bad attitude

I say things I shouldn’t say

I think things I shouldn’t think

I lie more often than I would like to admit

I have cheated

I have stolen something that didn’t belong to me

I serve things other than God

I am not as faithful to God as I should be

I sin every day

I have watched things I shouldn’t have watched

I have been places I shouldn’t have been

I listen to things I shouldn’t listened to

I have done things I shouldn’t have done

I don’t give like I should

I don’t live like I should

I don’t treat others like I should

I don’t always say the right things

I don’t pray enough

I don’t read my bible enough

I don’t love God like I should

I don’t witness enough

I don’t sing enough

I don’t praise God enough

I don’t love others like I should

I don’t forgive like I should

I am lazy

Selfish

Prideful

Ungrateful

Unforgiving

Hard Headed

Stubborn

Unloving

Unkind

Unfriendly

Passive

Messy

Mean

Insecure

Sinner

Unrepentant

Unlovable

The list could go on and on…

As I wrote the above list, I started to feel overwhelmed by all that I am; all the negative things that I am. But as I prayed that God would work on me…I began to see that each and every part of me can be made better by a closer and more real walk with my God.

It can be overwhelming and I know that I will never understand it all, but this doesn’t mean that I should just give up. It doesn’t mean that I should sit and think of all my failings. I just means that I need to strive to be more like the one that loves me! When all hope seems lost; the maker of my heart loves me with a love unexplainable. He loves me with a love, that in spite of all that I am and have been throughout my life, He loved me enough to die for me. He forgives me no matter what my past holds.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Like this:

A wonderful friend of mine did the devotion at our Ladies Retreat about what the words to the song “Held” by Casting Crowns meant to her. That devotion has forever changed the way I see God in my life.

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees

and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on

and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart,

its falling into place

I’m on the throne,

stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You’ll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you’ll understand

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

And where you are,

I’ll hold your heart I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won’t let go

I am guilty of viewing God as a king that wouldn’t grant an audience with a common girl. I often felt like I had to have my life perfect and all together before I could come into His presence or before He would ever even want to see me. When the total opposite is true; He wants me to come to Him when I am falling apart, frail, scared, hurt, in need or really any reason. Not only does He want me to come to Him, He wants me to realize that He has been there all along. I just needed to see that He has been there the whole time holding me.

In life there will never truly be a time when I will be spiritual, good, clean, prayed up enough to deserve to come into the presence of a Holy God. But in the times when I am at my wits end; that is when I need to be reminded that the Holy God that I am trying to get all cleaned up for…has been there holding me the whole time I have been hurting. I get so wrapped up in me and my issues and problems and my personal view of God that I forget what is the TRUTH. God loves me and God came to this earth to be with me. He knows what I go through, He know every possible problem that we could face…because when He was here…He went through it all…talk about being able to relate! He knows everything we go through and He wants us to see that He is there for us. He is the ultimate lover of our souls, He came to this earth knowing that we would never deserve the amazing love that He offered, but He did it anyways!

It is not fun to go through pain or hurt, but my God is there with me through it all and always has been. I may want to try to fix it on my own, but I will never be able to do it on my own. There are times I just need to stop and “Just Be Held”. In a world that seems to be falling apart…and I feel like am falling apart right along with it. There is a comfort and a love that cannot be replaced or fulfilled with the things of the world. It is a feeling of all the broken pieces being put back into place by the loving father who is holding us.

Pain will come, but a loving God will always be there holding you no matter what you are going through. You don’t have to go through it alone…God is with you!

Insecurities have been on my mind a lot lately. Both because I have heard others speak of theirs and the struggles that I have daily with my own.

I notice it more now that I am in a growing relationship with a guy. I always want him to think I am beautiful, godly, smart, funny, kind and sweet. I fuss over how I look before every date; I buy new clothes for special occasions and worry over my eating, how my perfume smells, how my hair looks, is the outfit I am wearing flattering, do I talk too much, do I smile enough, am I interesting, did I just snort, am I being too interested, is this the right shade of lipstick, is this flower in my hair to big, am I too old to have a flower in my hair…on and on this inner dialog is going on. And this is just a small amount of the worries that I am facing when on a date; that’s not even just when on a date that is in every interaction I have.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

Audrey Hepburn

When we struggle with insecurities in our life it can do a lot of harm to both us and our interpersonal relationships. I say this because looking into the heart of my life I see what it does to me. It has also started to be to the point where it causes me to doubt people’s intentions.

I am slowly destroying myself and have not even been aware of it.

Let me explain:

When someone tells me I look beautiful or compliment my hair, makeup or an outfit; I usually automatically think that they must be saying that because I look awful and feel sorry for me.

When someone compliments me on a song that I sing, I tend to automatically think that I must have bombed the song and it’s a “bless her heart” moment.

When someone says that I smile all the time and must never be sad; I just stand in awe that they don’t see the inner sadness and turmoil that I feel within myself on a daily bases.

“We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.”
– Beth Moore

All of these things are hurting me in is an inner dialog within myself that is not good. People on the outside may not be able to tell what is going through my mind, but what good is it doing for me to keep passively putting myself down by twisting their word into something they could possibly never mean.

I know that when I give a compliment to someone

I truly mean it, otherwise I wouldn’t say it…why waste my time!

Yet what has made me think that others have a double meaning when they say something to me? I believe that the devil knows that this is an area in my life and in the lives of many that he is exposing more and more every day. Just think what he can do with and through me if he gets me to a point where I feel useless, worthless, ugly, untalented and unconsent with who I am and what I am as a person.

If the devil can overwhelm me with my self-doubt

and insecurities he has successfully taken my eyes off

anything of God and His kingdom. If I am distracted

with things of his making, how will I be useful to Christ?

We see it happening everywhere in our world though the media all the photo-shop, eating disorders, fad diets, miracle pills, body augmentation, fashion, bullying, suicide and much much more. If the devil can get us to doubt our worth and the beauty our Creator created us with he can just sit back and watch us destroy ourselves which is less work for him.

What brought all this about? I was sitting in my pew at church and just chatting with a couple of the young girls, that I adore and try to talk to as much as I can. We were just hanging out for a few minutes before church started. We were talking about clothing and fashion when one of the girls (she is 11) said that she was fat and the other girl standing there said “well at least you’re not as fast as I am”. I was floored…THESE GIRLS ARE 11!!! I look them both right in the eyes and told them they were beautiful girls and that they should never say that; that God had created them as beautiful and precious girls in His image and they are young beautiful girls with a wonderful life ahead of them. I meant every word that I said to them… yet the pressure and struggles that they are dealing with at such a young age were not even in my mind when I was their age.

…

It just really made me stop and think of what I can do to help them see their true God given beauty as His creation, yet how could I when I myself struggle with the same thing. How could I help them see their worth and beauty when I myself fight with the same issues?

So I will be digging into The Word to see what God would have me do about this recent burden that he has placed on my life. Is there a way that I would be able to show how much I see my beauty and worth in Christ not what the world wants me to be. My worth is in Christ and what he sees in me…and boy do I ever need to get a better grip on that truth.

Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:31 (KJV)

There will probably be more to come on this…but that’s what I have for now!

This blog will never be a place where I will hang my dirty laundry, but a place that I can share my thoughts and oppionions on topics and life experiences. This post is not intended to offend nor to be a rant. This is referring to several people in my past that have forever altered my trust in the human race. I no longer am in contact with anyone that I am speaking of and have not been for years. Those of my close and most confident of friends will know of whom I am speaking. I feel as though one can look to the past for inspiration and direction for the future. I am the first to tell you that I don’t always do this as much as I should, but it was something that I was thinking about and am still astonished to this day that the evil that I saw exists outside of cinema.

______________________________________________________

Understanding why people do what they do will forever be something that doesn’t make since to me. That anyone would have motivation to propel acts of malice is beyond me. To see someone intentionally hurt people…almost as if it were a sport. To hear words of pure hatred spoken to someone they profess to love. To give no thought of the actions that are being performed as long as they succeed, progress and find fulfillment in their life. They leave a trail of brokenness, disgust and devastation in their wake…yet somehow still accomplish the feat of fooling those around them. As you look back you don’t see how they have done this… you don’t understand. I feel as though this nature stems from what is in the true heart of someone. The heart of a person will always come out. Though it may take time…it will be seen! The very character and the essence of who a person is cannot be hid from the world for long. The truth will come out!

You may, like me, want to think that no one is truly capable of such evil; that it sounds like the makings of a “Bond Villain”. But sadly it is not only on the screen that we see people capable of such things. There are those that don’t want to accept that anyone could be heartless and mean. Wanting to see this light within even the darkest of people is not a bad thing, but it does tend to lead to a broken heart. I have experienced that evil; I have seen the villain that has been hidden beneath the surface of someone that has fooled all those around them. To actually see the hardheartedness and malice firsthand, one would think, would in fact give one pause before going headlong into yet another human interaction; for fear if nothing else. For such a person to have gone through such trauma, it would be assumed one should be guarded, one should be skeptical and one should look before they leap. But sadly that is not the case for me…in fact not for many.

Oxford Dictionary defines a romantic as someone who is – of, characterized by, or suggestive of an idealized view of reality. To say that I have a romantic idea of how I truly want life to be like would not be far-fetched. To think that even the most gruesome of a first-hand life lessons would give one a since of caution, that is not always the case. But I will say that it has not deterred me from trusting and falling hard. Though there are times that my very being cries out to stop and slow down, the trusting and positive heart that is within me still want to just jump in!

Is there actually a very evil lurking under the surface of other humans? I would say that in fact, there is.

I can’t explain it, nor can I understand it, but I know that it is a reality and a what heartbreaking reality it is.

Like this:

So this post is a total rabbit trail from my normal type of posting, but I knew I was eventually going to take up a small space on here to address the fashion inspired side to my blog. I am sure that one would think that my first post would be about modesty, the latest women’s fashion trends, Pairs Fashion Week, life-changing products, etc. And it will probably get there eventually… but to get started I just needed a “fashion scoop” as inspiration! Where did this “scoop’ come from, you ask? Well this post will be dedicated to my wonderful handsome boyfriend. He was wondering what I blog about, so I told him that I could blog with a topic of just about anything. And being the slightly weird and crazy person that I am; I told him that I could blog about the outfit that he was wearing. Thus the fashion side to my blog has now begun.

You will need to, of course, know what he was wearing: Work Boots, Worn-out Jeans (legit worn-out…from work, not bought), an Olive Green Canvas Belt, Black T-shirt, Green Plaid Insulated Flannel Jacket, Cameo Ball Cap and of course not wearing it, but rocking the beard…nonetheless. Now if there was a search engine that you could plug in all the items of his outfit it would come out with the below fashion trend names:

Lumberjack Chic

Urban Lumberjack

Hipster Lumberjack

Flannel-shirt-revival Style

Hipster-outdoorsman hybrid

The Urban Woodsman

Lumbersexual (I hate the term, but if you google it…it is what it is called. I am also sure that any man that is truly a man would also hate the term!)

Interesting right? There are so many different names for the same style. It just depends on what you would like to call your style sense. Now there are a few of the descriptions are not at all how I would ever describe the boyfriend’s style or those that I know that also rock this style, but while digging into the movement, it is very interesting to see what it means to be a part of the “Lumberjack” fashion trend. Some are off the wall, but I had to share:

“A lumberjack that has hair that touches his shoulders. The Hipster Lumberjack also wears plaid, owns guns, and votes republican.”

~Urban Dictionary

“Dresses like (Paul) Bunyan…A primer on the plaid-clad male archetype, plus classes on the necessary skills (butchering, riflery), and five ways to nail the beard.”

~New York Magazine

“Have you met the Lumbersexual: all beards, flannel shirts, and work boots?”

~CBC News

He is brawny, wears expensive flannel, has an impressive beard that is painstakingly unkempt and represents the ultimate sense of manliness~

~Elite Daily

Now, is it that my handsome boyfriend primps and painstakingly tries to pull off this look, has a perfectly groomed beard or is it that his looks and dresses fall perfectly into the category by default? Well that is not something that I am going to share…my boyfriend, my secret! I will tell you this; the “Lumberjack” fashion trend is quite possibly my favorite male fashion trend since “hipster” got it’s title in 2010’ish. So I will say that I am very approving of the trend and love the look.

This trend that has been coming of age since around 2011 as a revolt against the term “metrosexual”. This manly trend shift is well explained in a magazine article in The New York Magazine.

Remember the metrosexual, that clean-shaven, sharp-dressed man who loved a good mani-pedi and took pride in his own helplessness? To change a lightbulb, he called the super. Or got his girlfriend to do it. Such a creature couldn’t last, and sure enough, he didn’t. But we have him to thank for the phenomenon that came next.

Indeed, as the posh look proliferated, the inevitable counter-reaction set in. Urban life is all about social differentiation. And so, a new breed of beastly, poorly pedicured man has emerged. You can identify him by the thick woolens, canvases, and animal skins he wears, as well as by his artfully unkempt beard, all of which signal: “I’m not from around here.” But Pendleton jackets and facial hair are only part of it. The true urban hillbilly must know how to do things—like band-saw his own workbench, cure his own meats, quickly disassemble a downed tree into firewood for the whole block. For this, he needs serious gear—an ax, maybe an arc welder and, because you never know, a shotgun under the bed. This movement was gathering force well before the financial crisis, but the dicey climate has intensified and mainstreamed it…

—Hugo Lindgren @ New York City Magazine

Did men really think about their fashion so much as to come up with their own fashion reveloution, that is something you will have to decide. But, I do think that the blue collar workforce gives off the absolute epitome of manliness. So I would say that if men want to feel like they are mainly tough looking…I would say that it would be only natural to look to the working class for the needed inspiration. Anyway, that’s my thoughts on that! Fashion is a fickle and ever-changing world and though the spirit of “Lumberjack” may stick around for a long time, its nuances and distinctions may alter over time. But I have a feeling it will stick around for a while.

This may be my first “official” fashion topic post, but I think I will make it a regular part of my blog. I will keep an eye out for interesting topics and see what becomes of them.

This song is one of the most amazing songs that I have ever heard. I attempted to sing it and was so emotional that I wasn’t able to get through it very well. This song touches a place in my heart that utterly breaks when I think that the blood that makes me clean before God is the blood that Jesus had to personally shed every drop for me.

It is the moments in my life a pure contentment and happiness that I seem to be most venerable to the devil. It’s in those moments when I can’t stop smiling, laughing and singing that the devil comes along and whispers, “You don’t deserve to be happy!”, How can you be happy knowing what you have done?” or “Think of all the times you have failed God; how could you possibly pretend that everything is forgiven?”

Yes, those are thought and fears that Satan loves throwing my way. As I have said I struggle with anxiety and depression and it is honestly the biggest part of my depression…the looking to the past and feeling as though I will never be forgiven and I will never forget. My mind likes to think that because I have done this and this I will never be able to fully serve God, because I am have done this I can’t be in a happy relationship again…on and on it goes. This is where my struggle with depression affects my relationship with God, because even though I can see and read in the Bible where it says I am forgiven, and God has forgotten, my mind likes to pretend like I never saw that verse.

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:12 (KJV)

The Blood of Jesus is the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world. It has washed me clean to the point when God looks at me; all He sees is a clean and beautiful creation that is washed in the blood of His son. This will always be my redemption story; the day that I accepted Jesus as my savior and He washed my sins away and removed them form His sight. In my heart of hearts, I know that this is true and I believe it with all my heart.

Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,

Revelation 1:5b (KJV)

The hardest issue comes (with depression and anxiety), when my mind is drenched in an overload of chemicals that doesn’t like to listen to my Christian heart. Living with any type of mental related issue is always a difficult life, but it is also a life that must fully rely on God to help you through. In the moments when my heart belief in Christ doesn’t quite connect with what my mind is thinking, I always try to listen to music, read a books, read the bible, talk to a confidants and try to do all I can to get my heart and mind on the same page of knowing that God is still sovereign and the forgiver of sins.

None of this is to say that you may not struggle with doubt or being able to let the past go, or that I only struggle with it because of my problem with brain chemistry. It is just to share with you that no matter the reason that you may feel unforgivable, unlovable or lost in your Christian walk you are not alone. It is important to know that you are not alone in this life, and you are NEVER alone in the Christian life, because Jesus is always there. And if you are a Child of God you are washed in his blood.

So in closing, no matter what you are trying to forgive and forget in your past, if you have ask the Lord to forgive you and ask that he help you to rise above the circumstances, then you are washed in His beautiful blood and God has no idea what we are talking about.

What an amazing God we serve.

What an amazing love He has for us.

What a sacrifice He gave for us to be washed in His blood.

What a privilege to use our blood-washed failures as a way to point others to Christ.

When I heard this song for the first time I fell in love with it! The truths in these lyrics are amazing! As it lists all the things that we see as negatives in our life, it is such a unique perspective to see what God may be seeing at the same time. As He is watching His plan fall into place.

How many times in life do we shake our fist in the face of God and tell Him He doesn’t know what He is doing? We feel like our life is absolutely falling apart and how could a sweet, gracious and holy God possibly ever allow painful and hard things to be in the lives of His children? How many times do we look up to heaven and just wonder how much more we will be able to take before we break? How do we lose sight of the fact that He is a wise and all-knowing God that is in control?

That is not to say that things in life may come that will make us question everything that we believe, think and know to be true, but that doesn’t mean that we serve a mean and vengeful God. Something that I have had a hard time understanding, is that not everything is God’s “fault” and not everything is the devil’s “fault” either. I know I like to think that a lot of the bad that happens in my life are all because the devil hates me (and he does), but that is not always the case. God may allow the devil some access to the things in our life, but God is ultimately still in control. The devil likes to think that he is in control, but the truth is…God is always able to say “no” to the devil. Even the evil and bad things of the world, when that is the decision freely made of the person, is then used for a purpose that God can use for His glory.

The Lord hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.

Proverbs 16:4 (KJV)

This life with its trials, confusion, unknowns, fears and failures is still all in the plan and purpose of God. We of course have the free will to choose what we will do, how we will react and what we will choose to believe in this life, but ultimately this life is all in God’s hands. My mind will never understand how all of that works, but it is nonetheless true.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 (KJV)

We see so much bad and unknowns in our life, but God knows how all of this is going to work out and He will be the one victorious in the end. To even begin to fathom the greatness of who He is completely amazes me. He is a wonderful Savior and He always sees what will become of our present situation, and He will love and guide us through it always!

That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the Lord, and there is none else. I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.

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Elle over at The Persistent Platypus shares her very open and real feeling about how she is dealing with a life of anxiety. I truly love her open and honest approach to how, as someone who deals with anxiety and depression, it really does often effect the way we view ourselves and our relationship with God.

I struggled for years with the idea that my anxiety disorder made me a weak person. A bad Christian. A shameful woman. I felt I had done something wrong and needed to be forgiven day after day for it to be alright. However, no amount of prayer, conversation or willingness would make it disappear. I began to feel like a failure. As if God didn’t and couldn’t love me, and I didn’t love Him, which I desperately did.

Many times throughout scripture, it says to cast your cares. Do not worry. Be anxious for nothing. Since I was unable to cast my cares it made me a bad Christian. Right? Wrong! My disorder has NOTHING to do with my faith or my worthiness as a woman.

I spent many years feeling guilty and ashamed, but I now see that it was in vain. The chemicals in my brain do not…

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Trying to understand why things happens is like trying to understand why one day my hair will have perfect curls and the next day it will be nothing but frizz. Some things are just not ever meant to be understood. Even something as trivial as hair! Weather it is change in relationships, jobs, living arrangements, medical issues, etc. there are always moments that bring a great amount of questions. I will be the first to tell you that I almost always tend to react to changes in life and uncertainty with overwhelming stress and panic. But that is me! And to be honest, I am getting to the point where I am starting to see that I am not a failure or any less of a person because I struggle differently than others. I will tell you that I am trying to get better at dealing with it all, but are we not all works-in-progress?

Life is happening in waves of uncertainty. I am faced with a lot of unknowns and confusion. I don’t know what is ahead. The statement is true, “When it rains, it pours!” I have been in a very transitional phase in my life! It is both one that is exciting and joyful, but also scary and confusing. I am having a interestingly wonderful time figuring out all that I am doing. But it just seems like things have just been so hard emotionally for me since I have decided to take these new step.

Now don’t get me wrong, life is going amazing with family that is there for me, supporting me and helping me in more ways that I am ever going to be able to repay. But it just seems like I have had to deal with several things in recent months that have made me so uncomfortable. Sometimes in life is feels like you are just going and going and getting nowhere fast. But I know that those times happen in life. I am just working on how I am able to handle them.

Tension is who you think you should be.

Relaxation is who you are

Chinese Proverb

This may not be like most of my more upbeat post, but it is just to let everyone know that I struggle with things just like everyone else. There have been times in life that I wish people would have been more open and honest about the life struggles that they had and not always putting on a “brave face”. It can get lonely trying to be so strong. Sometimes you just get to the point when you break down a bit. I don’t think you should broadcast your every woe and pain on social media, but if you can use your pain and experiences in a positive way…I say, “go for it”! If you know of someone that is struggling with anxiety or depression wouldn’t you want to be able to help someone by personal experience? Sharing a struggle with someone doesn’t mean you are broken or that you are not normal, it just means, that you handle things in a different way, and that way might just be super helpful to someone else! That was really deep right? But it is none the less true!

And I always think of life like a giant wave. You know, it rises and it crests and it flies, and it’s just magnificent, and then it crashes. And for a lot of people, when it crashes, that’s the end, and they go down the deep, dark hole of depression.

Jane Seymour

We are unique and different in the ways that we handle things. We all handle things in the way that we are able to; some people may get quite, some may cry, some may eat, some may have panic attaches, some may need to talk it out, some may write about it, some may need to talk to a friend, and some may even close off and enter a time of depression. We all need to be understanding of how others deal with the uncertainty of life. But we also need to not be afraid to share our struggles with others if…and only if…we truly believe they will benefit them.

So, I have a struggle with depression and anxiety that is real and is something that I will have to deal with all of my life. That doesn’t mean I am broken, it doesn’t mean I am “sick”, it just means that this is my life and I will have to deal with this issue just like someone who has any other kind of problem. We are all in this life together, let’s help each other along the way. Do judge someone just because they are dealing with something different than you! We are all beautiful and uniquely a part of God’s family! We all bring a special point of view that someone else might just need to hear.

On this holiday weekend I am just thinking of all the crazy things that are going on in America now. I can’t stand to see what is becoming of the land that I am so beyond blessed to call my home. But, I am also so saddened to see what my friends who have children and what I will have to deal with, if the Lord ever allows me to have children. Those children will have to deal with so much more than I ever even dreamed of as a child.

I know that I am not the person to even begin to comment on any of the huge issues that are in the media right know, but I will say this. We can’t forget who we are as a nation and where we came from. We are a country steeped in a rich Christian culture of amazing men and women, whether in office or not that stood for this beautiful place. There were many amazing men and women that God placed in History to found this nation. If we forget our past, our future is doomed!

The rights of Man come not from the generosity of the state but from the hand of God.

John F. Kennedy – President

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that His justice cannot sleep forever.

Thomas Jefferson- President

The laws of nature are the laws of God, whose authority can be supersede by no power on earth.

George Mason – Father of the Bill of Rights

It is by the goodness of God that our county has those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Mark Twain

Sure I will wave the American flag. Do you know a better flag to wave? Sure I love my Country with all her faults. I’m not ashamed of that, never have been, never will be.

John Wayne – American Actor

There are of course millions more quotes that I could use, each one more amazing and more patriotic than the last, but these really stuck out to me. I will be the first to admit that America is a mess, but we are a mess because throughout time we have forgotten where we came from.

On this 4th of July weekend, let’s not forget to pray for America, those who are and have fought for her, the leaders of our Country, those that oppose her from without and within, each other and for the future that is before us.

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*this is a picture that I found on Pintrest; it does not belong to me.

My desk at work is a bit of a museum. It has become a place that actually brings me joy and displays the “stuff and things” that mean a lot to me. Work can sometimes be a place of stress and anxiety, but if there is one thing that you can do to make it a place of calm and joy; do that!

At every job I have had, I have always tried to make my workstation a place that brought me a smile. I have usually succeeded in making me happy, but I have often by default ended up making others smile as well. I get an array of comments when they come and see what I have “done with the place”! I like bright and fun colors in my life…work is part of my life…so my desk will also get bright and fun colors as well.

I am starting to see the benefits of being surrounded by the things that make me happy. It is always nice to look around and only see things that bring you joy. From a Jurassic World ticket stub (from a date night with the boyfriend), pictures of your friends and family, a Doctor Who desktop background, a letter from your cousin that is in Marines boot camp, a birthday card from your best friend telling you she loves you, your favorite drinking cup ( that you bought while on vacation in Gatlinburg, TN), a framed postcard of the Eiffel Tower (from your friend who lives in Germany that you will be seeing in October…in Germany!) to a calendar full of every “unknown” national holiday there is; these things bring a smile to my face.

When the day gets long and stressful, I can always take a moment, breath in, and look around me at the moments frozen in time that brought me great joy. Pictures are not the only things that can capture a moment; it can be the memory of where or when something was bought, why a quote means something to you or a postcard of a place you can wait to go. All of these things are important to me for different reasons, so I have them close to me.

Life is short and my life is mostly spent at work, so why wouldn’t I have a desk full of things that remind me of great times, love and happy memories? I hope you take the time to surround yourself (at the office, at home, in a vehicle – whatever your job is) with all the things that reflect who you are and make you happy. I know there is not super deep concept or really any bible centered focus to this post, but I just wanted to share what I like to do. I feel like 80% of my life is at work, so why not enjoy what surround me when I am there?!?

For someone that tries so hard not to let anyone change her, I myself am in awe of the fact that I would try to change someone. It’s a huge oxymoron that I would ever even think of doing such a thing. I was told yesterday, that by the way I was talking about someone very special in my life; I am trying to change them. I was very much taken back by that statement. Why would I want to change someone when I hate that people try to change me?

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is not that I have done anything in the way of trying to change this person, but it was brought to my attention that I often say, “If they would just respond this way” or “Why can’t they ever just do this” when I refer to the persons actions. I haven’t said this to the persons face, but how long would it take before I did? How long before it would have come out that…I would only want that person in my life if they are just the way that I want them to be or acted the way I wanted them to. It’s like being a ticking time bomb of hurtful word inside of me. I know I don’t ever want some telling me how I should be.

It really made me stop and think. Do I want this person in my life because of who they are right now, or who I am hoping they will be? That really gives you a look into the core of who you are as a person. And needless to say, I am not super happy with what I see. Am I that shallow as a person that I would use a human as a sort of canvas to paint the picture of who I want them to be?

Moments that make you take a look at who you are from the outside are often hard to be a part of. Because most of the time when those moments happen, it is not due to something pretty. I know I don’t want to see anything that is bad in me! But I have really taken time to think about what is going on in me and my life that has made me become this way. It’s not a pleasant thing at all! It is extremely uncomfortable for me to look and see the ugly parts of my personality or character.

To be honest, I felt totally at a loss of where to even begin! I was overwhelmed by what I was even supposed to do about the situation and how I could possibly change my thought pattern and determine my reasons for having this person in my life if I want to “change them”. Are my reasons for them being in my life, the right reasons? Do I just want them there to change them, or because I feel like they are not good enough the way they are. Hello! Who gave me that power!?!

I have NO room to presume to judge anyone! The list of things that Shasta needs to fix and work on is growing every day. So I began to pray…what a brilliant idea, right? Just praying and asking God what I should do to fix visible flaws that have been identified in my life. Let’s just say that the answer came loud and clear; “Read my Words!” Read the bible…also a brilliant idea, right? So that is what I will do!

I have a thought to read Luke and Acts and just go through it with the goal of seeing exactly how Jesus interacted and reacted to people. I think that this will help me to see what kind of person I should be in comparison to Jesus. Now, there is no way that I will ever be able to be like Jesus…but I would like to think that just striving to will point me in the right direction. So I guess it would be a study of The Personality of Jesus. I will let you know how it goes.

It’s a strange thing to be made aware of something in you that is not that great. All you can do is take the information given you, pray about it and do the best you can do to address the situation in your life. I don’t want to change this person; I truly do care a great deal for them! But if those comments are coming out of my mouth, then there is something to it. Sometimes we don’t even realize what we say until someone brings it to our attention. And I know that it was done in a constructive way and by now means to put me down in any way. I am thankful for people in my life you care and are bold enough to notice when I get a bit out of sorts.

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Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Matthew 6:25-34 (KJV)

Today is going to be a short post. I was reading in my devotions this morning and came across this amazing passage in scripture. I know I have probably read this a million times, but for some reason it just really stuck out to me even more so today. The thing I love about these verses it that God is literally telling us to just “STOP WORRYING; I GOT THIS!”

I am the queen of worrying, and with all that is going on in my life right now, I just really needed to hear this! I love how God is so relevant for me to today! People try to say that the bible it “too old” and “doesn’t apply to us today”…ummm…go back and read Matthew 6:25-34 one more time, and tell me that everything that it says doesn’t apply to us all! What an amazing God we serve! He knows that we worry, yet He gives us example after example of how He is taking care of everything!

Like this:

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?

Unknown

There are always instances in life that don’t go the way that we planned. There are always moments that we have precisely planned out to a “t” and they never quite go the way we hope. Just look at weddings…have you ever been to one that everything went perfect? There is often a flower that girl doesn’t want to throw the flowers, a groomsman that locks his knees and passes out, the unity candle that won’t light, and sometimes either the bride or groom can’t quite do the “repeat after me” without messing up the words. It is a universal knowledge that no wedding will ever go on without a hitch.

This photo is not mine. I found it on Pintrest.Things are inevitably not going to go the way we plan. Isn’t that how life is? We sort it all out in exasperating detail by making goals, plans and wish lists, but we don’t know what to do when something doesn’t go just like we planned. We will make huge, crazy plans and often just assume that everything is going to go just like I planned. But do we ever take the time to think of what we will do and say if something doesn’t work out just right?

Thank goodness that we have the Creator who is guiding and planning our life. The amazing thing about Him, (among the millions of amazing things about Him) is that He knows exactly how it will all turn out. He is the master plan maker and nothing ever goes wrong when he is in control. Now, here’s the catch with that statement! “Nothing ever goes wrong”, doesn’t mean that nothing ever goes wrong; it just means that everything that happens is in His will and plan for our lives. It may not go (and probably won’t) the way we designed, but His will is guaranteed to always work out just the way He sees fit.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Jeremiah 29:11

I will never understand that! He has a will and a purpose for our life, but we have the free will to make our own decisions in this life. That’s one of those things in the bible you just have to believe on faith.

This photo belongs to FB/Joy of Dad – I found it on Pintrest.We have to work on how we handle the moments in life that don’t go the way we plan. Have to watch the attitude and spirit when reacting to things in life not going the way we want them to. I personally am extremely guilty of not handling “plot twists” very well! I have a very anxious personality and tend to get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat. So believe me when I say I am preaching to the choir! I am trying hard to get better at my reactions. I know that it is best for me to step out of the situation and get somewhere quiet and collect my thoughts…but I usually don’t. And the main reason that I am writing about this today is because I will always need to learn more about how to react to problems in my life.

I am learning more every day that when I react inappropriately to a situation, it is not only me that I am affecting; I am also affecting those around me as well. There may be a “plot twist” that is coming my way, even today, and I can almost assure you that I will not handle it right. But all we frail humans can do it try to handle it better the next time. The big problem will arise when we stop trying to be better.

To continue where I left off yesterday, I would like to just take a moment and just really think about the lengths that God went for me. He loved me so much that he was willing to go the Cross for me. He was/is so in love with me that He gave up everything just for that possibility that I would choose to love Him back.

You always think I’m somewhere on a mountain top
But never think behind bars
You’d be amazed the places that I’d go to be with you
Where you are

I was bombarded from every side with what certain people thought they could tell me of who God was, from what society wanted me to think what God was and honestly…from my own misunderstanding of who God was. I was just listening to all these voices telling me who God was, but I didn’t think at the time that I would not be able to trust what they had to say. One would think that someone who is in a place of biblical authority would be a person that you can trust, but sadly, that is not always true. There are in fact people out there that are making up rules and regulations about God’s character that are nowhere in the Bible.

So forget what you’ve heard
What you think that you know
There’s a lot about me
That’s never been told

When this song came on the radio for the first time I was floored with the truth that rang form it. We have so much that is constantly being told to us, shown us and thought by us; what of it is true? This is when I had to realize that I needed to find out for myself who God really was. I had to finally just come to the point when I could no longer listen to the rules and regulations that were set for me, but I personally had to find out for myself. So I have, and will continue, to search out Gods character for myself. We have to come to a point where we all decide who God is for ourselves. We can no longer have our parents, grandparents, pastors or friends religion; we have to have our own!

When I was struggling through making my relationship with God, “my relationship with God”, I was amazed at what you go though as you are making your own decision. There are people that will both support you and those that will not.

Rumor has it there’s a gavel in my hand
I’m only here to condemn
But let me tell you secrets you would’ve never known
I think of you as my best friend

As an example: I was in a church for some time that enforced the rule that going to a Movie Theater and seeing a movie was a sin and that you couldn’t go. When I prayed about it and found an excessive amount of holes in the “reason” behind their rule, I decided that it was ultimately me who had to answer for my decision. (Now, that statement is not a cop out! Just because we have to answer for our choices doesn’t mean that we can just do whatever we want to; just wanted to clear that up.) When I decided that I was going to go to the Movies, I was met with a mixture of opinions. Some good and some bad, some where fine with it and some “agreed to disagree” with me.

So much has been said
Even doubted my name
But I’m showing you now
Who I really am

And that my friends, is what it is, an opinion. My decision to go to a movie theater is a personal preference. It is not doctrine, it will not stop you from going to Heaven, it is not something that I believe anyone should be judged for doing, and it is by no means a “bad thing”. And that; is my opinion. No matter who you are, you do not have the right to say that something wether it is attending a movie, or whatever it my be, is a sin when the bible doesn’t say anything about it. But I, in that regard was living my life thinking that going to the movies was a sin.

Movies, pants, nail polish, makeup, short hair, long hair, contemporary, traditional, etc. are all very controversial topics that have through the ages caused church, denomination and even family divisions. And I of course will not even begin to touch on any of those subjects, but I will say that when we try to make out the rules of Christianity and don’t let the Bible guide us we are stepping on very shaky ground.
And I don’t remember where I heard this:

Be silent were the bible is silent;
be loud where the bible is loud.

Unknown

As my pastor says:

“We will be amazed at the people who are in Heaven; we will be amazed at the people who are not in Heaven.”

Jeff Fain, Pastor of Immanuel Baptist Church

Anyways…that’s all I have to say about that, and I will have to post some less controversial topics in the future. But I just had to tell you that I am trying to get to the place in my life that I make decisions for myself. I don’t want to be swayed on such important topics that I haven’t searched out for myself. When I look back on my life I want to know that my beliefs and convictions come from a place of prayer and true belief. I of course don’t have to pray about what is clearly the doctrine and foundation of our faith, but when thing are not mentioned in the bible, it then becomes a matter of prayer, faith and belief on a whole different level.

Let me open your eyes to see the heart of me, differently
Come closer than you’ve ever been
Let me in like never before
Bring me every broken part
The wounds and scars of who you are
And hide in me and you will see

God is never changing and will always remain the same but there are so many attributes and different aspects of His love for us, that even a life fully dedicated to searching them all out…we will never find it all. We should do all that we can to get to know Him better. Just like this song says there is so much more about God than we could ever know. I want to do all I can to forget my misconceptions of God and fully immerse myself in the Love that my Savior freely gives me.

I’m more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I’m more than you think

I am sure comparing Yzma to God will probably seem like a special kind of crazy! But…I have a point to it. I tend to see the humor and comparison made to my life in weird and unusual things. When I saw this, I was like, “Hey, I totally get that!” To be honest… for a trying time in my life I actually thought that God was just sitting up in heaven waiting to “smash me with a hammer”.

I was just waiting to do that one thing that would just finally make Him so mad to He would, turn His back on me. Boy was I wrong! I don’t even know where that came from! I don’t know at what point in my life I decided that was the kind of God that I served. But in my life, I have had times that I felt God was just setting up in heaven waiting for me to make one wrong move. What an awful life….and let me tell you, wherever that crazy thought came from, it was not a happy place to be in my Christian walk.

Of course we all fail Him, but he is not a horrible, unapproachable tyrant waiting for a reason to zap us. We are frail humans bent on sinning. We have a past full of mistakes we wish we could erase, but they are part of us wether we want it or not. At the time I wasn’t quite listening to those around me, and I didn’t think it was the case for me. So for a season I lived with a lot of guilt, Looking over my shoulder eating for God to be done with me…I have never been so alone.

I came to a place where I had to make a pitiful and desperate cry to the Lord. That cry was for Him to reveal Himself to me, to comfort me, to hold me and to help me. I was in a place in my life that I was at my wits-end. There was nothing that I could do in my own strength to get through what was ahead of me. And I pled and cried to the Lord to forgive me of continually abandoning Him, of trying to go-it-alone, of just going through the motions, and of having a wrong view of Him.

Yes, it breaks God heart when we fail Him, but he will never “smash us with a hammer”! As I am digging into his word, I am finding that it is so much the opposite of that. He loves me so much that He died for me on the cruelest creation of man. He suffered the most painful fate that was given in His day. He did all that for me, knowing that I would never be perfect, I would never be trust Him like I should, I would never live a life free of guilt, and that I would never be deserve His love.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

(Jeremiah 29:11-12 KJV)

There is going to be a part two to this post, because I want to say a bit more on the subject of our misconceptions of God in comparison to what the bible says. And I have a video to share of a song that literally has change me and blessed me as I am trying to understand the nature of God.

Like this:

As I have mentioned I am moving into my own house. I will officially be moving in the first week of July. It has been beyond exciting planning, organizing and getting everything ready for the big move. But, there will be one thing that will not be in my new house…

A Television!

You heard right! I will not being having a TV in my new house. Why, you ask. I will tell you this…there is no super-spiritual reason for this decision. There is not a bible verse that I would quote you; frankly, there are none. And, there is no one that has told me why I should or should not have one. Let’s face it…I love TV and I would be happy living in front of Netflix for the rest of my days, but I have made this decision for two reasons.

I am poor and honestly don’t have the money for it (or don’t want to spend the money that I do have on it.)

To embrace my current financial state (brought on by the decision to rent a home) I will focus on finally getting some of my ever growing booklist read, finish sewing projects, work on my fitness, work on a boatload of unfinished scrapbook projects, and be less distracted.

Now, I am not going to put any kind of time frame on how long I will be able to last without a TV, but I am thinking that I will get a lot more done if I don’t have the ability to plop myself down in on the couch and waste untold amounts of time watching untold amounts of TV. I only say this, because I have done it for years. I will sit there after a long day’s work to unwind and before I know it, I have done nothing that would make me feel accomplished. At the end of my day I still have a 1,000,001 books to read, sewing projects that need to get done, a boatload of unfinished scrapbook projects, and a body that could really use some walks and fitness.

According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (or 28 hours/week, or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year). In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years glued to the television.

…

According to William H. Deitz, pediatrician and prominent obesity expert at Tufts University School of Medicine, “The easiest way to reduce inactivity is to turn off the TV set. Almost anything else uses more energy than watching TV.”

Children are not the only Americans suffering from weight problems; one-third of American adults are overweight. According to an American Journal of Public Health study, an adult who watches three hours of TV a day is far more likely to be obese than an adult who watches less than one hour.

Sometimes the problem is not too much weight; it’s too little. Seventy-five percent of American women believe they are too fat, an image problem that often leads to bulimia or anorexia. Sound strange? Not when one takes into account that female models and actresses are twenty-three percent thinner than the average woman and thinner than ninety-five percent of the female population.

I have looked back over my TV watching and couch sitting and I will tell you…I am a bit in shock and totally repulsed by myself for all the time I have wasted. Well, that is besides watching Doctor Who! Let be honest…that is never a waste of time!!! But just looking at those numbers…I totally contribute to that number! And do I really need one more reason to feel insecure about my body? 23% tinner than the average woman….no thank you! I am by no means saying anything about anyone’s TV watching! I just told you my habits, so I would never presume to judge…I watch too much of it now myself! So pleas don’t take it like that! But I would like to give this a try.

Who knows, I might even go as far as saying that I won’t buy myself a TV until I get to my goal weight…whoa…let’s not get to crazy about this now….one step at a time.

I would rather get my entertainment from my mile long booklist, so when I get to the last page I feel like I have truly accomplished something. I would rather finally give my friend her finished quilt (I gave it to her unfinished at Christmas…I am awful I know!). I would rather finish my Mamaw’s scrapbook project that I started last year. And lastly, I would rather have friends and family over to talk, listen to music or play board games together while interacting….gasp!!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I almost always have a flower (or a bow) in my hair. Looking back I don’t really even know when this fashion accessory entered into my life. It has been such a part of who I am that I feel as though I am missing something if I don’t have one in my hair.

It feels like it is my “cherry on top” before I go out into the world and face the day before me. Isn’t that interesting? That something so small (well big; depending on the flower) would be able to actually change and influence my mood and feelings about myself.

Why all the sudden am I noticing this? Well today…I didn’t wear one! A tragedy I now realize! About half way through my day, I just all the sudden…I felt like I was missing something. I know that may seem silly, but I just realized today that my hair accessories are a huge part of me. I am sure I realized it before today, but today it just hit me a different way than it ever had before. It is a part of me!

Not to be cheesy, but to compare that to my Christian walk; is there something that I couldn’t leave the house without? I said a few post ago ” A Bookworm That Doesn’t Read!?!” , that I struggle with my Bible reading and being totally faithful at making it a priority everyday. And honestly, thinking about how just having a flower in my hair makes my wardrobe complete, how much more would starting my day with the Lord make me feel complete?

Deal bountifully with thy servant, that I may live, and keep thy word. Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law. I am a stranger in the earth: hide not thy commandments from me. My soul breaketh for the longing that it hath unto thy judgments at all times.

Ps 119:17-Ps 119:20 (KJV)

I have heard more sermons than I could count about how important reading your bible is. If I would truly view it as my daily “cherry on top” how much better would my life be. The bible, in the life of a Christian, is the ultimate in fashion accessories. It makes us beautiful from the inside out, and gives a feeling of completeness and belonging, that results in smiles and happiness…and is there anything that makes someone more beautiful?

I know this is not a long post, but just something that I wanted to share before I went to bed on this wonderful Jesus day!

: the qualities, beliefs, etc., that make a particular person or group different from others

Isn’t it interesting that the dictionary would say that our identity is what makes us different than others? Nowhere will you find that your identity is what makes you just like everyone else. Because, the moment you become just like someone else is the moment that you lose the very essence of yourself.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Genesis 1:27 (KJV)

Look at the world that is surrounding us; it is filled with groups and click of people all trying to look alike, act alike and speak alike. That world is also telling us who we are! We are labeled by friends, family, church, media, unattainable beauty standards, self-imposed ideas of who we should be and unrealistic expectations.

We have become a generation of people that are constantly being told who we are. We are taking personality test, reading horoscopes and searching for others like us. What happened to the time when we were just us and no one could tell us who we are? Now don’t get me wrong, I am not going on some feminist tirade, but I am curios when we lost our ability to be ourselves and be that with confidence and joy.

I will admit that I myself have lost sight of my identity at different times in my life. I allowed my identity to be drowned in a sea of what someone else told me I had to be. Those times in my life were the most miserable moment that I have ever lived through. I am not the kind of person that fits into a mold or does well being told that I have to be a certain way.

I have been told how to dress, how to speak, where to go to church, what to listen to, what to watch, what to read, what to believe, where to go, where not to go and how to live. And let me tell you…I was beyond miserable. Now, I am not a rebel, I am just a girl that likes to make my own statements in life in all those areas. I tend to dress bright, talk to loud, sing crazy songs and just be me! When others have tried to make me into what they thought I should be…I was never happy.

The only person in this life that is able to tell us how to be is God. We were created by Him with His divine purpose. He made us with a uniqueness that only we have. We are made with our quirks, weight issues, voices, hair, height, attitudes, thoughts, etc. Our identity can only truly be found in one place; Christ! He is the one that we must answer to. He is the one that created us in His image, and he doesn’t make mistakes.

Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Psalm 100:3 (KJV)

So…embrace who you are as a human and embrace who you are in Christ. He is the only one that matters in the end. Never let anyone tell you who you are….never lose your identity. We were made in the image of God and that the only person that can truly tell us what our identity should be.

There…I said it; so happy to have that off my chest! So it is out there and the knowledge of all those that know me. Well, I am guessing this is not a surprise to anyone since my profile picture is a selfie. But, in all seriousness, I do like to take them. I have seen all kinds of them and herd all kinds of opinions on them too.

Let us begin with the day they “officially” became a word…

Oxford Dictionaries’ word of the year for 2013 definitely captures a snapshot of our social-media-obsessed moment. That’s right — it’s “selfie.” If you don’t know what a selfie is, Oxford Dictionaries defines it as:(n.) a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website.(Trey Barrineau, USA TODAYDecember 5, 2013)

Now just because something becomes a word doesn’t make it right or wrong. Now, some people have gone to the absolute extreme. Actually saying it is a sin!

Now everyone is entitled to their opinions. But I do personally think that is taking it too far. I found a post that goes along the lines of saying that when it becomes an ocean of vanity…then it is a sin. This I can understand more, than just announcing that it is a sin. But as you can see the opionins are far reaching and very different.

“Selfies are fun, but as all things, it can be taken too far. It can become sinful. It’s to be expected of celebrities. Known for vanity. It’s to be expected of toddlers and the tiara toting. Self absorbed by definition. It isn’t to be expected of those in Christ. It shouldn’t be a part of a godly woman’s (or man’s… do I have any men reading this?) behavior to post photos of herself constantly. As Christians, we have to think and pray about what a selfie saturated culture represents. While we can’t escape the word selfie, we can escape the sin of it.”

I don’t agree on most what she say, but I can accept another’s opinions, as I myself have voiced mine many times. And just like anything in life it can be used in moderation and be good. I don’t know really how I would explain my stand on Selfies, but I would say that just like everything else in life, it can go to far. (Probably like this post!)

I have to say that I enjoy taking Selfies. But they are not always just of me, (ok, most are, but there are other people in some of them.) I love to take them with my friends and family. It is a small moment captured of you or you with the ones you love. When I look back over some of the Selfies that I have taken, it is interesting to see how my hair was, what I was wearing, where it was taken and who is in the picture with me. I don’t see that I do it as a vain thing, but I just do it to say hi to the world. Is it vain to post a picture? In a world that is totally jugdemental to all forms of beauty outside of what they stamp “beautiful”; in that moment I felt beautiful enough to share a picture of me.

Some may view a Selfie as as vain, some may view it as a sin and some may view it as the very thing that will plundge our sociaty into utter moral distruction. But I personally view it as something fun and an expression of the many faces of me! I will let you decide on what you feel about them for yourself!

Me and my dad at Dixie Stampeed.

Me at work. (On lunch break of course!)

Me and mom at the movies.

Girls night out with friends on our way to Starbucks and a movie.

Me in our churches sound booth before meeting my now boyfriend for the first time.

Me at work. (Again on lunch break!)

Me and mom before church on a Sunday.

Me and my bestie Kari at a pampered chef party.

Me and one of our church teens at VBS skit practice.

Me and my mom at the Old Mill in Pidgon Forge, TN.

Me and my friend Tracy in front of Sassafras in TN.

Me and my friend Jennie at Dixie Stampeed.

Me in a Doctors office waiting room. (What else are you supposed to do besides steal tongue depressors and gloves?)

Thanks for reading and have an amazing weekend! Please, capture your memories in whatever way you can!

(My mom posted this picture on Facebook this morning, so that is where today’s post comes from.)

I am so gulity of negleting the greatest love letter ever written. I have several copies, and with cute covers, no less, yet I don’t read them as much as I should. I am a book worm, as I have shared, and reading really is a huge passion of mine. Isn’t it interesting that a bookworn like myself still has to force herself to read the Bible? There are Bible verses about everything…even about reading the bible.

For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning,

that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.

It says right there that reading God’s Word will give us comfort and hope, yet I don’t read it enough. I like to think that what I have read up to this point in my life…through college and a lifetime of going to church that I got all I need. That seems expecially funny when I read a passage that I have read what seems like a million times before and will see something new. Guess that voids out my own thoughts.

It makes me think of the true power of the Word of God. If we stugle with commiting to read it, it is most likely that the Devil doesn’t want us to read it, and why would the Devil not want us to read something? Because he knows that I will change our lives and make us stronger Christians. Yet, knowing that, it is still a daliy struggle.

To have a close and meaningful relationship with the Word of God has always been something that I am striving for, yet it always seems to get pushed to the end of my day. I have good intentions of getting up early in the morning and spending time with my Savior, but then I hit snooze. I try to squeeze in some time at Lunch, but then I get busy and work through lunch or totally forget. I say I will do it first thing when I get home, yet there are other things that need done, or I am just exhausted and don’t make the time. That leaves me with right before I go to bed; I try to open the bible, but I am just to tired to read, and say I will make time tomorrow for sure. Then the cycle repeats…over and over again. All along God is just wanting me to make time to read His words of love for me, and I keep letting other things get in the way.

The other day, I was looking back over my life and just thinking. Then, like any normal person, I shared my thought with my little world of friends on Facebook. (What did we do without it?) I don’t usually over share on Facebook. I want to keep the private parts of my life private. But there are some days, when I will reference something that my close friends know about, and they all get it.

I have been divorced 2 years today. I think I may have mentioned that I am divorced, but I can’t remember…and may have referenced to it as the “event”. I am to the place now in my life that it is no longer my identity, but it is still my past. And today being two years, it just hit me to look and see how far I have come. It no longer consumes my thoughts, but it is a part of me. Will I have scars, yes! Will I let them create who I am anymore, no! It has been a long and emotional journey for the last two years, but it is molding me into the person that I am truly coming to love. I have my moments of doubts and insecurity; I mean who doesn’t, but I am proud of the person that I am becoming. What would really show you who I am as a bit of a creative is my post on “Don’t Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle”.

There was something so freeing about looking back over these last two years, and seeing the person that I have become. My smile is back and bigger than ever, my laugh is back and louder than ever, my heart is full of love, my life is full of friends and my calendar is full of adventures. To look back and think that this is where I would be right now, I would have laughed in your face (I probably did!). It is just wonderful to see where time, healing and love can get you to.

The lost friendships, the pain, the tears, the unknowns and the overwhelming since of confusion are all disappearing. My life is changing. I will be sure to tell you all about it as this new chapter of my life unfolds.

Sneak Peak of what’s to come in my future blog posts:

I am dating a wonderful godly man.

I am moving out of my parent house and renting a house of my own.

I am working at a wonderful company with many advancement opportunities.

This morning I am awake, but I am exhausted. I was up so late last night…by my own choice…nope! I was up because my mind wouldn’t stop! It was making me rethink huge decision that I have made, did I say the wrong thing at a certain moment, am I dating someone that truly cares about me, am I making a difference, will my mistakes and consequences catch up with me and am I the person that I truly want to be? My mind was racing with all of these thoughts. I was overwhelmed with my past mistakes and reliving everything.

It is so hard to sleep when all that is going on. So I just decided to embrace it and go with the wave of emotions that where sweeping over me. I was once told by someone that was very wise, that you should ride the waves of emotions and truly feel them, don’t stay there and drown in the sea of pain and regret, but feel it and process it. Because often times, fighting it can sometimes make the moments even more difficult. I think in doing this, it hurts, yes, but it also helps me to see what doing these things has done to me. And does it ever make me stop and think before doing it again.

Though she is not a Christian, and didn’t use it in a Christian reference, I have often felt that it could be used as such. Yes, we should feel guilt and regret for past mistakes, but one can’t just stay there. Though nights like last night come and the emotions overcome me, I can’t live there. I can feel the pain and regret but I can’t forget that though I feel it and relive it like it happened yesterday, God’s grace has washed it all away. His love and grace have covered me with an unfathomable pouring out of compassion. He knows that I relive my failures, yet he can’t remember what I am talking about. My mind will never understand that!

So as you go through your days and nights, and the thoughts of the past try to drag you down; remember that God is there to hold you and help you. He may not know what you are talking about (He has thrown those self imposed reliving of failure and sins far far from His memory), but He knows that I am hurting and He will hold me in His arms and let me cry it out. I am so in awe of my amazing God and all that His grace really means!

Like this:

I will be the first to admit that I fail God so often. I give Him a million and one reasons a day not to love me. I turn my back on Him, I don’t trust Him like I should, I doubt His love, I don’t read His words enough, I don’t talk to Him enough, I don’t love His children like I should…the list could go one forever. It is a very sobering thought, when you set back and list out the many ways that you fail God.

Now, you may be wondering why in the world I would want to list all the ways that I fail God daily. Well, when I see all the reasons He has to “drop me like I’m hot”; it makes His enduring love for me even more astounding. If someone were to treat me or you in the way that we treat Jesus, would we still love them? Wow, right? If I was in a relationship with a guy who ignored me, doubted me, didn’t talk to me, didn’t read or respond to a single text or letter I sent him….he would not be in my life for very long; that’s for sure.

Yet I treat my Lord and Savior in that same way. Thank goodness…unlike me, He never stops loving me! His love is not tied to conditions, His love is not changing, His love is unfathomable. He is the ultimate relationship, yet I neglect Him.

I am on the receiving end of the greatest love story ever to unfold. A love story that puts every other romantic story, fairytale, movie and poem to shame, yet I don’t treat it like the true love story that it is.

My Jesus loves me more than any man ever can, He holds me tighter than any hug I will ever be wrapped in, He loves me deeper than any person ever could, He holds my hand so tight that He will never let me fall, He thinks I am more beautiful than any person can ever express, He is more intimate than any love I will ever receive and He will never ever break my heart. You talk about a list of good qualities in a boyfriend. I would say that God leaves any earthy man in the dust, yet I don’t treat Him like the treasure He is.

God has been speaking to me about how I express my love to Him, and I have to be honest and say that I am personally appalled at myself. Yet, He loves me and He will always give me a second chance.

May I take the steps that I need to become the woman I need to be in my relationship with the most amazing man in the universe!

I have often been told that I stand out, that I am unique and that I am not quite like others. Now, the key to hearing and responding to those statements are not taking them wrong. I have been told so many times that “I would never be caught dead in that, but somehow it works for you!”. Sometime it has been hard not to take that wrong, but I have to realize that they do, in their own way mean it as a compliment.

I have always been just a little out there when it comes to fashion, accessories, my car, my movie choices, my hobbies, my books, my hair….well I am guessing you get the point. I enjoy being someone that finds joy in all the little things in life.

I have, to be honest, at times been afraid of my uniqueness! Why, you ask? I guess it is due to the fact that, well, I was sometimes afraid I am “too much to take in”. There have been times when people have looked me up and down, or laughed at how I look. I have to think that it was because it was just a bit shocking or just different for them to look at. Nonetheless, there have been times I have just stood there silent, or brushed it off, but it doesn’t make it not hurt.

Now you are probably thinking that I am some crazy outlandish color explosion streetwalker, but that is not the case. I can say that I don’t necessarily match, like ever, but I do wear things that go together. I enjoy bright colors, crazy prints and big hair.

I was in with my boss this morning in a 1:1 meeting, and she so kindly told me that I am the bright spot in the office. I was just what I needed to here today. Isn’t it funny how God works? He sends just the right thing our way just when we need it.

The funny thing is that I am 26, yet I can feel that as I get older, I am starting to care less and less what people think about me. I have always been my number one critic, but those days are coming to an end.

Like this:

I am going to confess something to you. I have an area of my life that I can’t let go of the thought, “What will people think?”. I hate it so much, but I just can’t seem to let it go. I feel almost hypocritical.

Side of me one:

I am sure people in the car beside/behind me think I am crazy! I am usually singing at the top of my lungs, lifting up my hand, air drumming on my steering wheel and just all around praising Jesus. Yes, I have gotten some weird looks before, just because I think they are just in awe of that crazy person in her car. But I love it! Every morning on my way to work, I listen to our local radio station, MyStar93.3 in Cincinnati, blasting it loud. I love that time in private with the words of amazing music pumping into my car, and I can just be real and alone with God. I have about an hour-long commute to work and I spend that time with my Jesus. It is a time that nothing in the world can come between me and the Lord (except maybe a bit of road rage, but that’s for another time). It is a time alone; my personal prayer closet.

Side of me two:

I just stand there. I read the words of the giant projector screen. I sing the notes as they are written at an acceptable volume so that no one feels as though I am trying to out sing them. I keep my hands on the pew in front of me, and I don’t raise them ever. I look around and see the ones that are lifting hands to heaven and have tears streaming down their faces, but that doesn’t mean that I would feel ok to do the same.

This sounds like two different people completely; I know. Yet I can’t figure out what it is that stops me from freely worshiping the Lord in public as I do in my car. What is it? I know that it has something to do with the fact that I am worried that I will get “Christian Judged”, or “Sainted Stares”, but is there even such a thing? I am a loud, fun and crazy person; yet, when it comes to worshiping God in the church there is something that stops me. I was raised in a traditional church where it was just not something that you do. And if you were a woman, it was defiantly something that you didn’t do, only men were allowed to. I know that it is only one church in a million churches and a million ways to serve and worship God. And I so want to just let go and praise Him wholeheartedly and exuberantly, but I am afraid of what my Christian friends will think and in the back of my head it is just something i can’t do in church.

Questions to myself:

Do I not want them to thin that I am “to excited about Jesus”?

Am I ashamed of worshiping Jesus outwardly?

Do I care too much about what people think about me?

Am I worshiping the image of who I think I am, and don’t want to rock the boat?

Verses on raising hands in worship:

My hands also will I lift up unto thy commandments, which I have loved; and I will meditate in thy statutes.

Psalm 119:48 (KJV)

Lift up your hands in the sanctuary, and bless the Lord.

Psalm 134:2 (KJV)

Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.

Psalm 141:2 (KJV)

As you can see all of these scriptures are from the book of Psalm. David was the most well-known musician in the bible and he often spoke about lifting hands. I know that I am preaching to the choir…It is something that I struggle with and have made a matter of prayer; we shall see! And I will also make this a matter of bible study!

So, I saw a similar post on another blog that I follow and loved that I learned more about that person just from short answers to what would seem like common (and a few bizarre) questions. And I thought I would find some questions that would let you know a bit more about me and my kind of crazy! I hope you enjoy and feel free to take the same quiz yourself; it is amazing what you will find out about yourself. I thought that I would share 50 things now and maybe sometime down the road share 50 more.

Are you a morning or night person?

Night

Do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?

Sweet

Ninjas or pirates?

Pirates

Ninjas vs pirates, discuss…

Pirates of The Caribbean, Johnny Depp…need I say more?

Autobots or Decepticons?

Autobots-Bumble Bee is the favorite!

What was your favorite childhood television program?

Scooby Doo, Liberty Kids and Yu-Gi-Oh

Are you a collector of anything?

Redbirds, books and fabric

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

I would like to be a pig; you get to roll around in mud and be dirty and no one cares…and they don’t sweat!

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

All the powers of Wonder Woman

What is usually your first thought when you wake up?

I don’t want to get up!

What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?

Why can’t I read in my sleep?

What’s your favorite color?

Hot Pink

What’s your favorite animal?

Owls, Pandas and teacup pigs

Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?

No, I believe that if there was the Bible would have said so. But it makes for great TV.

Do you believe in ghosts?

No

Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one?

Jack and Dexter on PlayStation 1

If you were given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?

I would like to think I would invest it?

Have any bad habits?

Popping my neck and knuckles

Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?

Shoulder shrugging

List 3 of your best personality traits:

Kind, Loving and unique.

List 3 of your worst personality traits:

A bit unforgiving, worrier and sarcastic

Have any celebrity crushes?

Johnny Depp, David Tennant, Tom Hiddleston, and JJ Field

List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:

Weight

Any piercings?

I have two piercings in each ear.

What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?

Hair, butt and hands

What’s your dream date?

I really just like dinner and the movies

What personality traits do you look for in a partner?

Humor, Nerdyness, Kindness and Respect for Authority

Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?

That would be really awesome!

Are you mostly a clean or messy person?

A bit of both?

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

In England or Ireland

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?

England, Ireland, Scotland, Italy…..everywhere!

List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list:

Open a quilt shoppe, get married, sing in front of over 1000 people, go to Comic Con and meet Johnny Depp

Name 1 regret you have:

Not finding out more about my ex-husband before I married him.

Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:

Not having to have a job.

Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:

Saying “Back In My Day…”

What’s your favorite song of the moment?

“How Can It Be” by Lauren Daigle

What’s your favorite song of all time?

“500 Miles” by The Proclaimers

What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?

Watch Netflix, read, sew or scrapbook

What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?

Take a nap.

Have any hidden talents?

I love writing music.

You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?

A Chinese Buffet

What would be your dream job?

Owner of a Quilt Shoppe

Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?

True love, hands down!

If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?

All my family would get saved, my parents would not have health problems and everyone would have enough.

Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?

No visits by mother-nature once a month!

Name 1 thing not many people know about you:

I struggle with depression a lot; even when I am smiling on the outside, sometime I am crying on the inside.

If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?

Cinderella

Do you believe in the afterlife?

Yes! I believe that there is a Heaven and Hell and the only way to heaven is by believing in the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ and believing on him to saved you.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? John Wayne’s Rio Lobo-the leading ladies name was Shasta

50. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Christmas Eve when my dad gave me a promise ring and told me that, “I can’t take away the hurt that you have had in your life, but I can protect you as best I can by being your boyfriend until God brings you someone who will love you as much as I do.”

Incase you don’t know what that is, here is a quote off of the Go Red For Women website.

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Ask any stylist, job coach or dating expert and they’ll tell you that red stands out. Eyes are immediately drawn to it. Some even say that the color red is a confidence booster and makes you feel powerful. Maybe that’s why we chose the color red to signify our fight against the No. 1 killer in women. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that it’s also the color of our hearts.

In 2003, the American Heart Association and the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute took action against a disease that was claiming the lives of nearly 500,000 American women each year – a disease that women weren’t paying attention to. A disease they truly believed, and many still believe to this day, affects more men than women.

Stemming from that action, National Wear Red Day was born. It’s held on the first Friday in February every year to raise awareness about heart disease being the No. 1 killer of women.

One third of women has talked with their doctors about developing heart health plans.

But despite our progress, women are still dying. They’re still unaware of their risks and the facts. And now’s not the time for complacency. It’s time to stand stronger, speak louder and join us in the fight this National Wear Red Day.

_______________________________________________________

So as you can assume, I am wearing all red. Red dress, scarf, shoes, necklace, and hair flower…so pretty much everything in my wardrobe that is red (Couldn’t find my earings.). I am actually surprised that I don’t have more red, but oh well.

Our company is a sponsoring one of the races, so today in honor of the day, we will be trying to sign people up. I am amazed that there are like 40 teams that are signing people up in our company alone, and I don’t know how may companys in all are participating…a lot per the website. But, why not, it is a great cause and a chance to support something huge.

I am already signed up and am looking forward to “walking-not running” in the race. It is something that really means a lot to me now that heart disease has struck my family over the last two years. My Papaw, Mom and Dad have all had heart related issues and problems that they will have to live with. So if there is any way to fund new research and raise awareness so as to help them, count me in!

As they will be living with this for the rest of their lives…I am all for trying to find new cures!

So if you are in an area that is holding a Heart Mini Marathon or walk, join a team or donate to the cause. I am all about supporting things that you believe in, but I do know that some people feel that they should only donate their money to the church and I am totally for that. But if you enjoy giving to charities outside the church and participating in run/walks, this is a great opportunity to join in.

I just wanted to take a post and nerd-out for a second and share with you the shows, movies, and franchise that I love. This is not a list of everything, but these are the ones that I am into and can name at this time.*The order of the above doesn’t rate on a scale from best to worst.

Doctor Who

Star Wars

Star Trek (Old school and new)

Pride and Prejudice (w/Matthew Macfadyen)

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Lord of the Rings/Hobbit

Hunger Games Series

Harry Potter Series

Marvel (all but the Hulk movies pre-ironman)

Marvel’s Agents of Shield

Pirates of the Caribbean

Atlantis (BBC)

Once Upon A Time in Wonderland

Once Upon A Time

Inception

How to Train Your Dragon

Arrow (CW)

The Librarians (TNT)

Sharknado

Big Bang Theory

Sherlock (BBC)

Broadchurch (BBC)

Merlin (BBC)

Yu-gi-oh

My Little Pony

Disney (anything)

Pokemon

Phineas and Ferb

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Robin Hood Men in tights

Princess Bride

Galaxy Quest

Quest for Camelot

Titan A.E.

As you can see I have a very wide variety of loved shows, movies and franchise. I am just a bit of a nerd….ok…a lot of a nerd! I can talk to you extensively on any of the above listed. I find joy in anything that has to do with imagination and am in awe at the creativity that the authors, show writers, and actors featured in all.

You may think that I am constantly in front of the tv and that I am a couch potato that never moves, but I really am not. I watch a lot of these shows on Netflix. Netflix is a life-saver when it comes to waiting in line for something or exercising. I started watching most of these shows when they first started, and then DVR the rest and watched it when I have time.

When did I realize I was a nerd you ask? Well, I would say that I grew up in an environment that was definitely pointing me in that direction. I grew up with the name Shasta and in the era of Star Wars! My Dad had the original VHS set…yep…VHS! I remember the first time I watched them; I was maybe 6 or 7, and my life changed forever. I was introduced to a world of amazing things I had never seen or heard of. Lightsabers were the weapon of choice when playing cowboys and indians or cops and robbers. But, I also quickly realized that I was passing my Dad in enthusiasm and love of the movies. I watched Star Wars over and over every time I was allowed. So that is when I realized that I was a nerd; not at that time due to the fact I was so young, but looking back I can see that as the moment that set me up to be a nerd girl.

When I got older, in highschool, I found Yu-gi-oh. I was a Disney princess girls with a love of Star Wars, but that didn’t prepare my for this new show that came on everyday at 3 o’clock. I was homeschooled, so mom would let me work really hard to get done with school and if I was done she would let me watch Yu-go-oh. Again my eyes where open to a whole different world of imagination and adventure as Yugi dueled his way though challenge after challenge all while staying true to his friends and beliefs.

So I was already considered a nerd by this time, because I could talk to the girls about the newest Disney movie or princess, and then turn right around and talk to the guys about how awesome their dueling deck were. I may have stuck out just a bit, but I was always just true to my loves and interests. I was mostly called unique. Something that I never took as a bad thing, because my name was always called unique too.

Then (du da da) 2005 rolls around and I am again sucked into a world of imagination, wonder, time-travel, regeneration, “Fantastic”, Rose Tyler, and the Tardis. Yes, that was the year that Doctor Who invaded my life! And that truly is the moment I would start to refer to myself as a nerd-girl! I was hooked after the first episode on YouTube…because it was lagging behind in America vs Great Britain. I tried to get everyone and their-second-cousien-twice-removed to watch the show. Everyone needed to love it as much as me! But that was before there was Pinterest and a community of fangrls that I knew about.

_____________________________________________________________________

My Life Would Never Be The Same!!

A list of nerd related thing I own, have done, etc.:

Lightsaber and mini Yoda on my night stand, building a Lightsaber and meeting Darth Vader at Disney World, way to many Star Wars t-shirts, and watching the movies to many times to count.

Doctor Who t-shirts, earings, necklace, shoes, socks, ice-cube trays, light switch covers, bookmarks, an un-natural desire to go to Cardiff, England, dedicated time every Christmas for the Christmas special and 3 times watching every episode.

General all around obsession with all things nerdy.

A wardrobe that consists of more character references than is probably normal.

Several Pinterest pages dedicated to all things nerd related.

A large stash of Star Was, Star Trek, and Marvel fabric.

Ect…

_____________________________________________________________________

As I have gotten older more and more syfy and fantasy shows, books, and movies have become a part of me and who I am, and people just know that I will almost alway, somehow bring up some reference to the list above. Most of the time it is one of Doctor Who, Star Wars or Marvel these days, but they all know that they could be mixed it with any of the above. That’s just me. And as it turns out I usually find someone everywhere I go that I can relate to and talk with about their nerdy interest too…aka the date I just went on Sunday! Probably 90% of our conversation had to do with something nerdy!

All of this nerdyness is fused into a love of Jesus and a thankfulness that he made me this way, with a huge imagination, to enjoy the creativity of others. It may seem strange to you to think that I would end this post with a bible verse, but I just want to emphasize that fact that I am comfortable with the way that my Creator made me, and the way my mind operates. I am confident in myself and don’t allow anyone to get to me when they mean “You’re a nerd!” in a negative way. God created each of us just the way we are! We are unique and beautiful creations designed just the way he wanted. As long as our lives goal is to bring honor and glory to him, he will be pleased…even if we are nerds. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! So you know a bit more about me and my interest in the nerd-realm.

I have to apologize!

I looked over my blog post from yesterday and was is atrocious! (It has since been fixed…I hope!)

I think I made like every common grammar, spelling and punctuation mistake there is to make!Thanks to a reader who kindly suggested that I take a look at my post; I found so much wrong! Thank you so much! Now this is not to say that I have had all my blog posts perfect, but I do try! I know that it is so hard and distracting to read something that is full of mistakes. I hope that this will teach me a lesson…even when I am in a hurry to post…do not just trust spell check!!

See…I tend to think that spell check will just catch everything, but that is not the case. It will catch misspelled words, but it will not catch a word if it is misused. Which brings me to something I was just talking to a friend about the other day. In our day, there was no such thing as spell check. Yes, I know I am only 25, but seriously we didn’t have it when I was in younger. Oiy…now I really am an old maid! I don’t want to get all political, but I know that my grammar, spelling and punctuation are all suffering because of my reliance on spell check and auto correct. I try not to rely on them as much as I could, but it is just so easy to do!

Anyways, I found these two picture memes and it made me laugh since they fit so well with today’s topic and the fact that I can’t post a blog without mistakes!

A punctuation meme:

So I am pledging to my readers to get ahold of my grammar, spelling and punctuation! If I only had a personal editor! wouldn’t that be the life?

But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield. (‭Psalms‬ ‭5‬:‭11-12‬ KJV)

So as you have heard me say, I am single. I have been single since my divorce for coming up on 2 years. I will not go into the details of what went down in that part of my life, but I will tell you that it was painful and I thought that I would never be able to move on and be in another relationship. I have not been ready for a long time,but Sunday I went on a date. Yes a date…my first since the divorce.

Friends and family have been kind of pushing me to get out there, but I just kept telling them that God would have to drop him in my lap. So my relationship status is: Waiting On God! I want God to be the orchestrator and center of any relationship that I am involved in. I need his healing and guidance to be able to trust and love again.

So how was it? Wonderful…absolutly wonderful! He was such a gentleman. We went out for lunch sunday after church. It was a blind date of sorts because we had never met face to face. I know his sister and she set us up. She adores her brother and thought that we would have all kinds of things in common….and we did! We are both nerds that enjoy too much syfy. What more could a girl nerd like me ask for.

I know that it may not seem like much, but he prayed before we ate…adorable, we were there for three hours just talking about everything, and at the end he walked me to my car. He picked up the check (making it officially a date) and said we should so do this again. All in all I think it went very well; I feel like we had a great time laughing and just talking for hours.

But…it is Tuesday and he hasn’t text or anything. I keep telling my best friend that I am too old for this. I am like an old maid when it comes to the dating community. I have to say that I have forgotten what it is like to be in the dating scene. I have not dated for almost 5 years. So I am all confused about what the “call her in this # of day/don’t call her in this # of days” protocol is. So I am just waiting to see if he will call me or text me.

Let the waiting begin!

I worry a lot, so I am praying that God takes that worry away! I know that he is in control of it all, but sometimes even knowing that I try to take that worry on myself and not lean on him like I should. But aside from all of that, I am actually really glad that I went on the date. I had a great time and it showed me that I think I am ready to get out there again. I am a worry wort, but the bible verse above says what I need to listen to. That, my focus need to be on God and let him be the one that guides my heart and my relationship. Because he is the one that has to make this happen if it is his will.

This not a long post today, but I was just struck by the fact that until something becomes important to you and you alone, most of the time you don’t even know it exists.Beaming example!!!

How did I not know about this? This whole world of reading was existing and moving right along without me. How could someone who loves to read not know about this? I am amazed that I have never come across it before and paid attention, yet now I am seeing it everywhere!

I signed up for an account right away! One of those, ” shut up and take my money moments”! But mind you it is free!

*disclaimer below

I am in awe of how this site/app is everything I have ever wanted and didn’t know that I needed! It has a streamline process that lets you rate your favorite books, and based on them, make suggestions as to the books you should read next! And just when I thought that my social life was going down the drain, it is now spinning into oblivion due to this site. My reading list was already 1000 miles long, not it has grown exponentially! Oiy. And to top it all off I have challenged myself to read 50 books this year. I don’t really know if that is a lot, because I have never kept tracked how many I read in a year. It will be interesting to see how many I read.

Not don’t get me wrong it was love at first sight with this site/app. It has been about all that I have talked about for three days straight to anyone that would listen. See, I have a bit of a problem with falling in love…and falling hard! Especially when it has to do with something that interest me….and does reading ever interest me!

Isn’t that how it goes? You don’t realize how may Yellow VW Beatles are out there till you buy one! (Yep that’s me!) You don’t realize how many times you swallow until you have a sore throat. (Been there!) You don’t realize how may baby names there are in the world until your friend is have one in 5 weeks! (Yep) Until I need to know God’s love for me, I don’t realize how many verses there are that plainly say, “God Loves You!”. (Need that often!) It is all really interesting how the mind works; that you don’t notice something until it becomes important or directly affects you!

I am amused by how God speaks to you in ways where you least expect it! So my life is now obsessed with goodreads until the next thing that I am overly excited about comes along. Not that may make you think that I am fickle, and maybe I am a bit, but I am so interested in finding and learning new things. And when i come across these new things I immediately feel that everyone else needs to know about; how else we they be as excited to here about it as I am!

Anyways, If you haven’t checked out goodreads, and are a lover of book and reading….do it!
(Disclaimer! I just found out that this meme above is from a show called Futureroma; I have never watched it, due to the fact that I have been told that it is vulgar and rude. But I have seen this meme on Pinterest and laugh the way it is applied to everyday things.)

I have really never given much thought as to the struggle of naming a child. For one, I don’t have children. (Yet) And two, I have had my children named since I was like 4. So you may be wondering why all the sudden a single girls is talking about baby names.

Well, there is an interesting back story to this…

My best friend is pregnant and is due in 5 weeks. Last week she found out that she was having a baby BOY! Exciting right? Well yes….but….up to that point her bouncing baby BOY was going to be a bouncing baby GIRL!!! Yes…6 weeks before the baby is going to be born they find out that the gender of the baby is wrong. Mind you, they had everything pink and a beautiful sweet little girls named picked out. But when she called me crying, “I am not disappointed, I just don’t know what to do!” I was shocked. I didn’t know that was something that they could get wrong with all the technology and super 3D ultrasounds and all that jazz. But it happened!

Boy did their life have to change quickly.

From Pink to Blue in a split second!

As you can assume everyone was in shock. And you know, since I am not the one pregnant, I was only mildly effected by this new development, due to the fact that I was throwing the baby shower. And me, trying to be super crafty, had made most of the decorations. Thanks a lot Pinterest! That amazingly addictive (and slightly stupid because of the very reason) site gave me way to many projects to do to pull off an adorable baby shower. So in the mad dash to change the whole color scheme of the shower in 5 days, there was a lot of trips to Micheal’s that day! And as a bonus, I have a ton of stuff that someone can use when the next baby girl comes along! All in all it was an adventure! Now, was is adorable? I was told that everyone had a good time. And what a relief since it was my first ever baby shower.

But as for the baby’s name…gifts were for “Baby Boy”.

There has been a flurry of people (mostly me and a friend of ours) trying to help them pick a name in light of the quick need for one. Our church is all about helping people…even when it’s not quite helpful! But they all have the best of intentions (Just like me!) So they are all giving their choices. I am sure I am personally driving them both crazy with all of my name suggestions. What can I say? My name is Shasta, so my baby name choices are totally unique and off the wall! And out of the kindness of my heart I began to search fervently for a name for their child. (Yes I know that child is not mine, and technically they are the ones naming the baby!) Did you know that they have a list of “Hipster Baby Names“? Of which I love them all! I will give you my top choices….which were all vetoed by the way!!

Ryder

Flynn

Pennington

Henry

Justus

Gideon

Sebastian

Binghamton

Aries

Milo

Zendell

Vader

I know what you’re thinking, “All of those are amazing names!” I know right!?! But not one was liked! I am in shock and awe! But not really, because I have always loved usual name. I really think it has to do with the fact that I love my name, and want my child to have a unique name that is only theirs. And I need to accept that not everyone is as crazy and “out there” as me!

As of last night at church, the search is still on for the perfect baby name for this little boy. I don’t envy their job in picking, because you are naming a human being. It is a name that they will either love or hate as they grow up, they will either have an awesome or awful nickname, and they will (unless they change it, cause it was that awful) have that name forever.

No pressure!!!

So, through this I have learned that God is always is in control and He was planing and shaping life from even before this baby was a thought in its mom and dads mind. As the verse says are the beginning of this post, He knew it was a baby boy from the start. And He already knows its name! And that is just amazing to me! W

Whatever this little boys name, he will be love unconditionally by God, by his parents, family, friends and the most by me his adopted Aunt!

I have always loved creative writing. I love the time spent just letting your mind run wild with endless possibilities. Creating and artistically weaving together characters, places, themes, morals, and a storyline all created by my imagination. To quote Beauty and The Beast:

All of that or none of that would be perfect content of a story. But the possibilities are endless. Though no one has the right to stifle your creativity, there are those that want your creativity to be what they want it to be. That, to me, defeats that whole purpose of creative writing.

When I was in college, my English 101 teacher was Dr. Williams. And boy did she know how to suck the creative juice out of any living thing. She would always start our projects with, “Make this story your own.” and “Be creative.”, but then when we would turn it in….I am pretty sure there isn’t even that much red in the Bible (Words of Jesus in red editions!)! She would mark those thinks up and write note all over it about how they were incorrect, far-fetched, or, my favorite… “too out there”! Wait…What? “Too out there!”? If it is creative writing…enphisis on the “creative”, how could you say that something is “too out there”?

I have to admit that she was one of my hardest classes I ever had to take; not because of the class itself being hard, but because of her way of grading and setting standards on what was expected under the “Make it your own.” and “Be creative!” Two statements couldn’t be more wrong when uttered by her. In the words of one of the worlds great inventors.

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken

joy in creative expression and knowledge.

Albert Einstein

I am not blaming her, because when you feel passionate about your creativity you have to stand by it (Well, in school, you kind of have to do what the teacher says…or you fail.), but I did struggle, and still do sometime, after taking that class with letting myself go where I wanted to creatively. I often would think, “Is this too out there?”. So I have vowed to never let someone stifle my creativity and to never do what she did to us! They may not like my point of view, may not get it, and may not understand it, but I will not be stopped. I have a right to be as crazy and as “out there” as I can.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.

Albert Einstein

I use different outlet now to show my creativity. (I am by no means any good at it mind you.) I love to write (mentioned above),quilt and scrapbook. And I am striving and praying that will be able to use all of the hobbies and passions that I have for the glory of God.

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily,

as to the Lord, and not unto men;

Colossians 3:23 KJV

With quilting the possibilities are endless as well. Fabric is your paint and the canvas is as small out as big as you want it to be. YOu can follow patterns, or you can make up your own. You can follow a pattern exactly by using even the some fabric and everything, but the end product is still all you and is therefore your work of art.

With scrapbook, the possibilities abound. You can find just about anything anywhere and put it in a scrapbook. I have taken pictures at a restaurant and taken a napkin with the name on it and put it in my scrapbook. I just love the fact that I am taking a picture, that is art in itself, and surrounding it by my creative imagination.

All of this is all just so freeing! And maybe that is what God taught me from Dr. Williams class; never put limits on anyones creativity. God has given each of a unique gift and a unique way to use that gift.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

(‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1‬:‭3-5‬ KJV)

I have been in a trying and uncertain place in my life. It has been filled with worry, panic, and a boatload of “what’s next?”. I have been in a place that is extremely uncomfortable and it has been a time that tear have flowed more that most people would know. Sadly I have doubted God’s presence, His plan, and His purpose of letting my go through what I have. But in desperation I called out to Him at the start of this month in a way that I have never done in my life. See, I have the most amazing parents in the world, but I often will go to them before I go to God. Why? Well I think it is because I crave something tangable..in God. I have always felt like Thomas in the Bible.

But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

(John 20:23-25 KJV)

I have longed to feel God in a real way, in the flesh. I am a person that loves hugs and craves human touch, so that may be one of the reasons that I want it so much. Oh to be Thomas…to see the Saviour of the world in the flesh. To touch the wounds that will forever be my salvation.

Back to the point of all of this. When the times of trouble and problems arise I have always gone to my parent first. (That is immaturity on my part!) I have always thought that they have the answer to everything and they would be able to fix it…whatever it was. But I was so wrong for putting my faith in people over Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I love the stuffing out of my parents, but they are only human and I have often put way to much faith in them.

Over the last month my Dad has been out-of-state with work, and my Mom has been with him most of the time. And since they have been gone I have not wanted to bother them and call them with my issues and problems. So, low-and-behold my faith has grown amazingly. I have had issues since they have been gone, but I have taken them to Jesus instead of them. Novel idea right?

The verse above just kind of sum up all that this last month has taught me. God is my comfort…when I allow Him to be. If I never come to him with needs and a desire to grow closer to him, them how will He comfort me? If I don’t fully give into Him and ask for, and seek Him, why would He need to give it to someone who thinks that have it all under control? Well…I have come to the end of me and there is nothing left. I need Jesus to comfort and hold me; though I may not feel it tangibly I have felt His presence more that I have ever before. I may not “feel” Him like I wish I could, but as I dig deeper into His Word, I am finding that The Word’s of God, His incomprehensible love for me, and his comfort are reaching out of the pages and holding me.

Is that it? When we come to the end of ourselves and realize there is nothing we can do in our own power…Jesus is waiting to pick us up, hold us in His arms, and comfort us?

This is the story of my journaling life! I have always had a desire to journal and keep track of my life since I was a little girl when my mom bought me my first diary. So not long ago I was looking through a tub that I keep under my bed that has all my “journals” in them. Why the “‘s…well lets just say that I think the journal with the most amount of pages filled in, maybe covers a few months tops in one year! See, I have a problem with getting off track when it comes to keeping a journal for long.

I was going through the pages, and I can see that every year I always started with, “This year I am really going to do this!” Well. needless to say, ever year there is another journal that says the same thing. I can defiantly tell my style changes by all the different types of journals that I used. Everything from Lisa Frank Unicorns to Leather Bound!

As I look back on my life and my desire to journal faithfully, I also see that as a reflection of my walk with the Lord. I have a longed for a strong relationship with him since I was saved as a little girl. At the start of ever year I would start a new Read Through The Bible in a Year Plan, start a new Prayer List, and make a list of Scripture Memory Verse to tackle. Well the desire was always there, but I had some issues with the follow through.

I was often very hard on myself. Telling myself that I was a failure because I didn’t complete all the thing a good Christian Girl should do. I often set goals that, with a busy life, were unattainable. I would stress out over what I had to do to be the perfect Christian.

News Flash to me!!!! There is not a “perfect Christian” but Jesus!!!!

I look back and see all the pressure that I put on myself. I was exhausting myself with what I thought was expected of me. And yet there where days when I would do it all and be no closer to God. Then there were days that I would quickly whisper a prayer of thankfulness up to the Lord as i fell asleep, and feel his presence. I am beginning to see that I had it all wrong. I was trying so hard to “be” something on the outside that I wasn’t on the inside.

I can read through my bible, have a prayer list, and memorize scripture; but if my heart is not right or I am not in a mode of worship, then it is all just works that are in vain. God is not looking for us to complete a checklist, he is looking for a real authentic relationship with him. I think we should all strive to be better, but we also have to be honest that we may not “keep a journal” everyday, but we can catch up on the important bullet points the next time we journal. We can pray to the father when we are driving back and forth to all that keeps us busy, we can worship him when listening to Christian music in the car (or when I am putting on my makeup in the morning), we can have small intimate moment with God throughout the day, even when we can set aside an hour a day and read 3 chapters in the bible.

As with my journaling notebooks, I have Black Bibles to Yellow Snake-skin Bibles, and I can spend hours and hours in them, but if my heart isn’t in the moment or my mind in a state of worship, then it is all in vain.

So my challenge to you is.

1. Don’t try to check of a long list of things that will make you a “Good Christian”.

2. Don’t set impossible goals that you can’t attain. (In any part of life…mine would be journaling)

3. Strive for a real and authentic relationship with the Lord above going through the motions. Even if it’s just moment stolen in a busy day.

Mark 10:17-19 KJV

And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God.

I can’t quite find the words to tell you how truly blessed I am to have such an amazing Dad!

Let me tell you a bit about my dad. He is my hero first of all, and there is no one that I look up to more than him. He is the son of a Pastor, so, he is a PK (preachers kid). He is one of 8, 4 boys and 4 girls. He was doing carpentry from, I think the time he walked-the way he tells it. He was very shy and grew up in the south where…yes…his accient is so hick that people still have to ask him to repeat things even though we have lived in the city for 11 years. He hasn’t lost a bit of his southern accent. Him and my mom met when they were teenagers and they married when mom turned “legal age” 18 and dads parents signed for him at 17. They were young, but they took on the world. Though they struggled, they loved each other through thick and thin. Through working in the coal mines, truck driving, carpentry, working at a mine supply company, and now for CSX Railroad, he has always made time for me. Every night growing up, he always prayed with me and tucked me into bed.

I will start off by saying that my dad is the hardest person to buy Christmas presents for. He aways says, “If I need something, I will just buy it”, “Whatever you buy me I will love” and his famous “Don’t get me anything”. Needless to say that every year is always an adventure trying to snoop around, ask jaded questions, pay really close attention to everything he looks at when we are at the store, and then in a last stitch effort, streight out ask “what do you want for Christmas?”.

Yes, that how Christmas goes at our house every year when it come to finding out what to get dad for Christmas.

So with Christmas fast approaching and the non-last-minute-shopper in me coming out, I have exhausted all of my Sherlock Holmes detective skills. I have sadly come to the place where I just ask, “Dad, just tell me something that you would like for Christmas and I will buy it for you!” And this year I was floored by his answer! In years past to be honest is usually some new tool that he wants that he wont spend the money on, so me and Mom will go in on it together and buy it for him, but this year no-such-thing!

His Answer:

$200

Yes you saw that right, he wants $200 dollars. Now, Why does he want that as his gift this Christmas? He just said, with a smile on his face, that he wanted the money so that he could give it away. What? Give it away? Yes, he said that he wants to have that money so that when he sees someone who he feels needs encouragement, or that the Lord leads him to minister to, he wants to use that money that we give him for Christmas. Something else that I didn’t mention was that, I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life that my dad hasn’t shown kindness to WarVets, Police, Soldiers, and Firefighters. He always goes up to them and says “Thank you for your service”, and most of the time if he can beat them to it will pay for their meal. He is such a kind and loving man and because of him I always try to do the same when I can. Everyone of the people that he thanks in one way or another has put their life on the line for us! They are all heroes!

You know, the sadest thing is..they are suprised when he does it for them. We should be a nation that thanks those who put their lives on the line for us, so taht they are never shocked when someone says “Thank you for your service”! Let make it so normal that they are never suprized!So during this Christmas season, do forget to show Christ love to other. My dad has shown me what a differance taht kindness can make.

And in my eyes, my dad is a hero and a man that…Wow! If I don’t see Jesus in him, I don’t know where else to look!

Switching out the summer and winter wardrobe!

Practicing my Christmas song for when I sing at church!

Getting excited to put up Christmas decorations this weekend!

DVR set to record 1,000 Hallmark channel Christmas movies!

Reading christmas books (because I can only read books base in the winter…in the winter)

Thanksgiving party over at work…Christmas work breakfast on the calendar!

List of cookies I am going to bake!

This all kinda makes me want to sing. “These are a few of my favorite things”! But sadly, I by no means have a beautiful voice like Julie Andrews…but I can dream.

I absolutely love this time of year! All the snow and slow traffic to work are all just a part of my favorite time of the year. I love buying gifts for family and friends….well this year I am going to me making a lot of them. I think that when things are homemade, there is just something so much more special. I love to sew and do crafts, so it will be a joy to make them and a joy to give them as well. But you know, I will probably still go to the mall on Christmas Eve like I do every year, and just watch all the hustle and bustle of people getting their last-minute gifts. There is something about this time of year that is truly magical. Somehow nothing seems more important that others. All I want to see on Christmas morning is the smiles on other people face, not my own, but others. Yes, there are still the grouchy mean people who will steal your parking spot (when you clearly had you blinker on) cut you off in the isle at the store (when you were so there first), practically being human stampeded for the last tech item on Black Friday, break your heart as they totally ignore the people ringing the bell for the Salvation Army bucket, but there is just something about this time of year that makes all of that not matter. Every one of us is only responsible for what we do, which could be totally the opposite of what I just said, but what I mean is…we are only responsible to do all we can for those around us to show them Christ this season! If they want that parking spot, place in line, new I-something, or maybe they given money at another store, if that’s is something that will make them smile I just need to realize that it may be a big deal to them….and if it’s not to me…why not let them have it. So they can so that this was a great holiday season. Now, will I wall was smile with a perfact heart when people do these thing…no. But I will alway try…I am not at all as good as I want to be, but this season always makes me want to try harder.

So that was my pre-holiday list of things I love!

I hope you all take time to remember what and who the upcoming holidays are all about!

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,

you gotta put up with the rain.

Dolly Parton

So as you may know, in my last post I had every expectations for vacation that I would post something every day….they were a bit high. As you can tell, well…that didn’t happen.

With all the relaxing and wi-fi outages it didn’t happen. Though I am a bit disappointed, I also know that I almost always tell myself that I am going to do way more that I am able to. Not that I am not able to write, but just that fact that it is vacation, and I have not really been doing anything.

I am really finding that I have a pattern. You know it is always when you find things out about ourselves that you can truly grow. I am finding a lot about myself. Not all good, but now all bad either.

Well I know that this is super short, I just wanted you to know that I am still here and to apologize for setting high expectations that I have found that I was not able…or ummm….. motivated enough to keep.

I have been waiting for this, well, pretty much since last year. My Dad, Mom and me go on family vacation once a year to Gatlinburg, TN with friends of ours. We have been going on this vacation for several years, and it is just the best time!

I have been so ready for this trip.

My soul and body need a refreshing, and this will be it!

I am just so looking forward to the time that I will get to spend with family and friends and just so thankful to God for such a wonderful time to get to spend with all the one that I love. It will be a very slow-paced, enjoyable time, with not a care in the world…oh how much I need this. Time with Family!

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

Audrey Hepburn

I will not go on and on about how hard life is, and how I can’t stand it, (because is bearable and i don’t) but I will tell you that this vacation is perfectly timed! It is falling right in the time, of course, that God knew, I believe we all need. It has seemed to be such a short year this year, but many things have happened in all of our lives…boy are we ready!!!

So…I am telling you this to hold myself accountable.

My goal for this vacation is to take time every day to spend with my God. I will set time apart each day to meet with him and have a time to revive my walk. I know I probably shouldn’t set dates like that on my devotional life, but sometime I have to make appointment with God so that I will do it and not get side tracked.

I am planning on using it as a way to guide my time with the Lord. Let me just tell you now: I am not at all a “great” christian with and “amazing” walk with God, but I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I fall so many time and I fail him more than I can count, but he never stops loving me. And I so need a sweet time with him, I need a relaxing and refreshing vacation with my family, but with also my Jesus.

I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.

Proverbs 8:17

Every day on vacation I am wanting to write about the days we spend there, and I will also want to include a section on a bit about how my day with the Saviour went as well. I look forward to this vacation, but I also am looking forward to the sweet time of fellowship I will have with Jesus. I am honestly viewing this time as a vacation with Jesus my love. A date with him each day to strengthen our closeness and to stir a personal revival in my heart.