Friday, April 29, 2011

What spilled out today

*I know this blog says Art Dolls and More, the more part is the part where I feel that I want to share the story of my existence as well as my art. So, I hope I don't bore you to death!*

It's been a rough week. For someone who is often waylaid by evil health boogie men, I never ever not even close to ever get used to it. It's been so beautiful out all I want to do is go out and start my yearly garden. After I plow through the mess from last years that is. All my body wants to do is be functional for about an hour and then go back to sleep! Silly body, doesn't it know that I have things to do? Besides all the fun stuff I'd like to do there are piles of things that have stacked up while I've been down. The thing is I am actually looking forward to tackling them since cleaning often sparks my creativity and stomps on the inertia that often keeps me from working on my art. All I can do right now is wait until the body decides it's had enough rest to give me some productivity. I'm sure it'll be any day now.

The health news is eh, I am not at the point where they'd call what's going on with me kidney disease just Microalbuminuria which my Dr thinks we can get back down. It had spiked pretty high from previous tests, but we'll see how that goes. I've been put back on regular insulin since my blood sugar is being very stubborn. I have never minded taking my night time shots of NPH but I have always always hated having to take fast acting insulin and deal with sometimes having to take shots in public. It's uncomfortable for me because i don't have any desire to give myself a shot in a dirty public bathroom. I usually try to take them discreetly at the table, but I've had that get really embarrassing and awkward due to some peoples ignorance. Not to mention all the carb counting and worry that I'm going to screw it up. That's okay though we do what we have to do, and I believe it makes me even more aware of what foods I'm putting in my body. So hopefully things will start to get better.

I have a referral in to an OB/GYN to discuss the possibility that the Essure implants that I have may be causing some of the symptoms I have developed over the last five years. I am not the physically strong person I used to be and I am in pain and completely fatigued almost all the time. Apparently this has happened to a lot of women that have had the Essure procedure done, so we'll see where that goes. It may require some surgery, but if it might help me start to feel like myself again it would be worth it.

In the meantime I've realized that I have to return the focus of my life intensely to my physical health for a while. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself over the things I am passionate about whether it be dancing or doll making or anything else. I am never happy with the amount of work I produce while I am struggling with other things. I always want to be able to throw my whole heart, body and soul into what I am doing, often at risk to the rest of my wellness. It's one of my lovely quirks. I think it will be very important for me right now to learn that little thing called balance. What a hard lesson to learn for someone who often lives to extremes. That seems to be the focus of the year. I've already admitted to myself that I can't currently be a belly dancer. That cut pretty deep. I am so grateful that I have another art that I love and can put my energies into.

On my foot I have tattooed "Meanwhile, I keep dancing" the second half of the quote "I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." to constantly remind myself that no matter what life throws at me I have the ability to "keep dancing", and that's what I do.