Time seemed
to stand still when Jeff and the boys were home. It was endless hours of
chores, orders, and abuse. We never went anywhere as a family. Jeff never
allowed me to go anywhere on my own. I was most grateful for the time during
the week when Jeff was at work. The boys were either in the cave or at school.
It was nice having the house all to myself, even though Jeff would leave enough
chores for an army.

The
weekends were another matter entirely. Jeff would spend time in the cave or in
the bedroom. I was miserable either way. When he came in from the cave, it was
all I could do to keep from vomiting. The stench on his clothes was so bad. I
wish I knew what was causing Jeff and the boys to smell so bad when they left
the cave. If I knew what they were up to that would help, but I was terrified
to ask, and I wouldn’t dare walk to the cave and see for myself. It was safer
to mind my own business and do everything I could to keep from getting hit.

One Friday
night in October, Jeff, and the boys were talking. I knew something was
brewing, but I left it alone. Jeff and Wally were ready to spend the weekend in
the cave, but Clyde was nervous as he could be. He paced back and forth until
he worked up the courage to ask his father if he could go to town for a
basketball game in the school gym. Jeff never allowed Clyde to go anywhere.
Clyde was constantly in the cave. He looked over at his brother for help
pleading his case. I guess Wally felt a brotherly instinct. He talked to Jeff
and convinced him to let Clyde go to the game.

A while
later, the phone rang. It was around 9:30. Jeff was fit to be tied. He started
cursing and swearing up a storm. He and Wally got in his van and took off. An
hour later, they were home.

When they
came into the kitchen, I was busy washing dishes from the second course of
dinner. I was exhausted, but Jeff hadn’t told me I could go to bed, so I
continued to do my chores. Jeff and the boys sat down at the kitchen table.
Jeff growled at me about getting beers. After I delivered the beers, he told me
to get out of his kitchen.

The three
of them sat at the table with their heads together whispering. I went upstairs
and stood outside my bedroom door. I was trying to hear as much of the
conversation as I could. Jeff was telling Clyde that he would take care of the
problem and not to worry about a thing, but it would be best if he didn’t go
into town for a while. He said he needed to stay close to the cave. Poor Clyde
tried to explain. He told Jeff everything that happened was just a misunderstanding.
If he could talk to Dorie’s father, he could straighten things out. Clyde had
never mentioned anyone named Dorie to me before. I assumed she was someone he
went to school with. Jeff told Clyde that he had heard enough, and that was the
end of it. He didn’t want to hear another word. Jeff and Wally looked like
angry bears as they growled and strutted around the kitchen in anger and
disappointment at Clyde. Clyde had nothing more to say.

I didn’t
trust Jeff or Wally. If Clyde was really in trouble, you can bet Jeff would
benefit from it in a way.

Monday
morning arrived. I couldn’t wait to get everybody out the house. Jeff left for
work, Wally headed into town on business for his dad, and Clyde was left to
watch the cave. I felt so bad for Clyde. He rarely got a chance to go to school
anymore. The poor kid was already slow, and it didn’t help that he missed so
many days doing his father’s dirty work in the cave. Before Jeff left, he gave
me the normal list of chores. I didn’t care as long as they were gone, it
really didn’t matter what I had to do.

When Jeff
returned home that evening, I knew something was wrong. He usually waited to
get home before he started drinking. That night, he already had a buzz on. I
wanted to ask if I could help, but I knew better than to speak. He told me to
keep my nose out of his business. He didn’t say two words to me all evening. He
wolfed down his dinner and stormed out the door to the cave.

He came
back a little later and continued drinking until he went to bed. I tried my
best to stay up as long as I could; I knew what was waiting for me. When he
called me, I knew there was no use putting it off.

When I got
to bed, sleeping was the last thing on Jeff’s mind. He turned on his movies.
Then made his own movie with me. This resulted in bite marks all over my body.

He twisted
my arms and legs into unnatural shapes. I was sore and bruised from head to
toe. He finally dozed off at 2:00 a.m. I lay in the bed in pain and agony. I
wanted to go to the bathroom and soak in a hot bath, but I knew better. I dare
not move for fear of waking him.

I got up
early that Tuesday morning which is not unusual. Jeff said I shouldn’t sleep
too much; sleep was a luxury I couldn’t afford. I went down to the kitchen to
start breakfast. It was beautiful outside, but it was freezing in the house.
The kitchen floor felt like an iceberg under my bare feet. Jeff hated to turn
the heat on. The house was always cold. My entire body ached. I could hardly
walk. From the kitchen window, I could see the dogs were already growling and
fighting in their pens. They were hungry. They couldn’t have been as hungry as
I was. I was starving. I was down to less than one hundred thirty pounds. My
skin hung on my body like towels on a clothesline. With my tall frame, I looked
like a bean pole. The sockets around my eyes were blacker than a raccoon. My
hair was beginning to fall out. The fact that I never washed it combined with
malnutrition was a bit much. Jeff liked to keep things this way; he said if I
was weak and dirty, then I couldn’t run away.

I turned on
the burners on the stove, placed the strips of bacon in the frying pan, and
started heating the water for his coffee. It all smelled so good. I wanted just
a little taste.

Snakes
slither and crawl; likewise night and Jeff are not different. In an instant, he
was behind me. He grabbed my hair and pulled me around until I was looking
straight into eyes. “You wouldn’t be thinking about eating anything before me
and the boys eat, would you, Em? Seeing as how we have to work all day, we need
our breakfast.”

A few
minutes later, I heard the footsteps of the boys coming to the table. They all
sat there stuffing their faces, their nasty, smelly, fat faces. I could only
watch silently.

As they
prepared to leave, Jeff gave me my instructions for the day. He told me to
clean the house from top to bottom, mop the floors, and have his dinner on the
table when he walked in the door. He told me to feed the dogs, which he knew I
hated doing more than anything. They scared the living daylight out of me. He
warned me to not even think about talking to anyone, and forget about touching
his mail. He turned to look at me as if to say you know I’ll know. There’s
always someone watching you.

Finally,
they were gone. I scraped enough food from their plates to curb the hunger
pains for a while. I reminded myself of the few pieces of fruit in the back of
the cabinet. I knew I would have them for later. As I hurried through my
chores, I tried to ignore the pain in my body. I had no idea if there was any
pain medicine in the house. If there was, Jeff had probably counted the pills
in the bottle. It was one thing after the other day in and day out. I was so
tired, but I had so many things left to do. Dirty clothes were strewn all over
the floor throughout the house. The boys were as messy as their father. Wally
was the worst; I think he actually enjoyed making the biggest mess.

Around
11:00, I decided I would sit down for just a minute. My back was a raging
furnace from the bite marks. I would have given anything to make the pain go
away. I still had plenty time to finish with everything.

I wished I
could call my mother just to hear another female voice. I wondered how Mom was
doing. I figured that Dad was probably keeping her nerves on end with all of
his after-hour activities. The chair in the corner called to me like the wind
in the trees. I knew I had a few minutes to spare. I walked to the chair. It
hurt to bend my legs, but the chair felt wonderful. The cushion welcomed me
like a newborn baby to its mother’s breast. I wished I had someone to talk to,
just somebody to listen to the way I felt. I worried that I still had so much
work to do. But the chair had me in its embrace. I didn’t want to be released.
I thought if I could sit for just a few more minutes, I would be fine. My body
finally relaxed as my head rolled to one side in sleep.

Bong! Bong!
Bong! The clock in the hall sounded the alarm or was that the dogs? My neck was
so stiff, and my legs felt like they weighed a ton. I had to get up. Oh my God;
it was 3:30! I hadn’t finished the chores or started Jeff’s dinner. Dinner had
to be on the table at 5:30 that was the rule. It wouldn’t take long for the
food to cook. Finishing the chores would be the problem. I still had to mop the
floors, finish the laundry, and make an apple pie from scratch. I begged God to
make Jeff be late just this once.

As I walked
around the house, I recalled the last time Jeff’s dinner was five minutes late.
That was not a pretty sight. I couldn’t stand a repeat.

“Please
God, could you cut me a little slack just this one time?” I continued doing my
chores even though I was in excruciating pain. I looked over at the clock, I
couldn’t believe it could be 5:00 already. The dogs were yelping. I hadn’t fed
them. I couldn’t worry about that now.

I put the
pie in the oven and finished mopping the floor. Lord, those darn dogs. Why
won’t they shut up? The dogs are barking louder, Jeff must be coming down the
road.

The clock
was tormenting me. It was 5:30 on the dot. From the kitchen window, I could see
the van pulling into the gravel driveway. I needed just a few more minutes. The
potatoes were almost done; the pie needed a few more minutes. I hoped I could
stall Jeff with the mail.

I don’t
know how he could ride in that smelly van. He opened the door and walked to the
back of the van for his boots and gear. Jeff’s odor floated from the van like a
cloud, enveloping the dogs and causing them to run like rabbits toward the
fence. Silently, I pleaded with God, Please let Jeff stay outside a little
longer. The prayer didn’t work. Jeff opened the back door and dropped his muddy
boots on the floor, not caring that I just mopped it. He left his filthy smelly
coat on the floor and walked right past me to the table.

I hated
that construction job he worked on about as much as I hated him. He didn’t even
try to be polite, he never said “hello” or asked about my day. He looked at me
with loathing in his eyes. His dinner was not where it should be.

He pointed
to the refrigerator, his silent command for a beer. I wondered if it would kill
him to get his own beer so I could get his dinner that was already late. I
hesitated while trying to decide what to do first get his plate or his beer? I
wondered why he didn’t say anything. It was not like he didn’t notice his plate
was not in front of him. His left eye started twitching. I could feel the
tension building. He started tapping on the table, which he knew I hated. The
tapping became louder as he sat there waiting and watching me like a hawk.

At 5:40, I
brought the beer and the food to the table. I hoped I could place the plate and
the beer in front of him and walk off. If I could do that, I would make it
through another night.

He grabbed
my arm and didn’t look up. His grip was deadly tight on my arm. He looked up
and growled, “Didn’t you forget something? I believe I said I wanted an apple
pie.”

“I didn’t
forget. I just have to get it out of the oven.” All I could think about was
throwing the pie in his face. I thought about it, why waste a pie? It wouldn’t
do any good.

I placed
the slice of pie on the table. When I looked over, he had already cleaned his
plate. Did he even taste the chicken or the mashed potatoes? He sucked the food
into his mouth and washed it down with the beer.

He held his
empty beer can in the air, the signal that he needed another beer. The distance
from the refrigerator to the table felt like a mile. I felt like I was walking
to the death chamber. Jeff was finished eating.

Lord! If I
can just gather the dishes and get out of his way. I had the dishes in my hand.
I concentrated on walking back to the sink. Oh God, it was too late! He had my
hair. He was using it as a lasso. He twirled me around. The dishes became
flying saucers that landed throughout the kitchen. When Jeff threw me to the
floor, I scampered to my corner near the refrigerator like a frightened child.

Jeff looked
down at me and snarled. “What? I guess I was just supposed to ignore the fact
that my dinner was late. Are you so stupid that you can’t tell time? I said my
dinner was to be on the table at 5:30. Well, maybe a little time with the dogs
will help you become more time conscious.”

I could
scream, but he wouldn’t care. Begging and pleading just fed his ego. I didn’t
want to give him the pleasure. Time seemed to pass in waves as I lay on the
floor awaiting my fate. He paced back and forth hollering and swearing about
his horrible life. How ironic. He thought his life was horrible, but I was the
one on the floor begging for my life.

The dogs
strained and barked at the back door. They were ready to be free from their
pens. They knew what was about to happen. I cursed myself for not getting a
chance to feed them. I silently prayed, “God, if you can hear me, this would be
a good time to help. I simply don’t have the strength to play this game
anymore.”

I was on
the cold kitchen floor wearing nothing but a flimsy worn-out rag of a dress.
Jeff yelled, “You’re going to have to run, Em. I can’t hold them very long!” I
continued to pray, “God, please just end this now.”

I can’t
take another night with those dogs. I know I won’t last. I won’t make it to
that filthy stream in the woods. I can barely walk, let alone run.

I was so
hungry I could faint. Jeff fed the dogs more than he feeds me. I wondered what
I was I going to do. As a last attempt at any sympathy, “I wasn’t trying to
make you angry, Jeff.” I struggled to get to my feet. The cuts and bruises
started to bleed as I tried to wipe away the blood with my rag of a dress.

“You say
that stupid mess all the time, Em, but then you turn around and do something
stupid all over again. You never learn. Now, you go on and get started. I’ll
give you a running start.” He stated his case as if he really cared.

“Jeff,
can’t you see that I’m bleeding? I can’t even walk. How do you expect me to
run?”

“Take this towel with you so you’ll
have something to wipe the blood. He throws the dirty dish towel in my face.
Now get up and get out that door!”

The dogs were charging the pens like
raging bulls. Jeff yelled at them, “Get back! I know you boys are hungry, but
we have to give her a head start!” The look in the dog’s eyes told me that they
were ready to pounce all over me. Like an announcer at an auction, Jeff
screamed, “All right, Emily. It’s time for you to get this show on the road. I have
other things to do.”

As he moved toward me, I closed my
eyes. I could feel his rough hands as he grabbed my arm and pushed me out the
back door. It was so cold. If only he had given me a jacket or something to
wrap around me. I had to run. My feet were still blistered and sore from the
last time I had to run in these woods. I started running as best I could. I
heard the dogs, and I knew they were out of the pens. I hated those woods. They
smelled so bad; it was nauseating. The closer I got to the mouth of the cave,
the worse it smelled. It got harder and harder to breathe. My stomach and head
hurt so badly. Like a jolt in the night, I heard in the distance, “Run, Emily,
run.” I wondered if my mind was playing tricks on me.

I heard it
again. “You have to run, Emily. You can’t give up.” I know that no one was in
the woods, but I kept hearing that voice. I’m so tired, “Where are you? Who are
you?”

I looked in
the direction of the voice. “Run, Emily!” My legs and feet hurt so much that
the pain felt like it was cutting me in half. I felt like I was running on hot
coals. But my legs were moving, or that’s what it felt like. I suddenly
realized that the dogs were right behind me. I could feel their hot breath. I
knew it was too late. I just wanted to lie there and let them tear my body
apart. It would be over soon. I could go and be with my grandmother. I heard
the sweet voice whisper again. Was it Grandma? “Get up, Emily. You have to
crawl toward the water. Don’t give up, Emily.” I wished she would just leave me
alone. The dogs’ breath smelled like rotting flesh they were right upon me. I
couldn’t tell if the odor was coming from the dogs or the stream? The dogs
began to back away. It had to be the stream. They hated the stream.

I heard the voice again and wondered
where it was coming from. “That’s it. Fight! Get up and crawl toward the
stream. Just a little bit more.” I crawled into the cold and cloudy water. As
my legs sank in slowly, I could feel the filth and the slime in the stream seep
into my wounds. The putrid red water engulfed me like a blanket. The light was
fading, and I begged Grandma, “Please don’t leave me. Take me with you.” I
heard from the distance, “You made it, Emily. You’re going to be just fine. You
made it to the water. Sleep, my child. I love you.” “I love you too, Grandma.”

Out of the corner of my swollen
eyes, I saw specks of light as everything faded into the distance. “You’re
safe, Emily. You’re not going to die.” I wished that were true. It felt as
though I had been in that water for hours. I lay there and allowed the water to
take me. I wished and pray for death to take me. After what seemed like hours;
I heard footsteps in the distance. Suddenly,
Jeff was standing over me, watching like a hunter closing in on his kill. I
felt him swoop me from the putrid water. I was overwhelmed by the smell. Was it
the water or Jeff? I wondered what he could possibly be thinking about doing to
me that the dogs and water hadn’t done already.

I could see the lights from the
kitchen in the distance as he carried me closer to the house. The dogs were
waiting for him outside the back door. Jeff held me in his arms like a rag
doll. He threatened, “If you don’t stop all that squirming and moving, Emily,
I’m going to have to give you another run at the dogs, seeing as how you have
all this energy.” Clyde and Wally were in the kitchen looking fat and
disgusting. Jeff dropped me on the floor like a sack of potatoes. I lay there
on the kitchen floor shivering and cold like a dying fish. Clyde walked over,
then Wally. One of them spoke, “I don’t think she’s in any shape to fix plates
or get beers.” Clyde grabbed my hand. I tried to open my eyes to see his face.
I heard him say, “Dad, we need to take her to the hospital.” I closed my eyes
praying that God was listening to Clyde.

Synopsis

Emily Holmes grew up in the
hills of Arkansas. Life was never
easy. At sixteen she leaves home. She
ends up in Arizona alone and afraid, desperate for someone to hold onto, for
anyone that can fill the void in her life. Then she meets Jeff. The happiness
she has longed for is finally within her reach.
Until, Jeff gets a call from his past. He has to go back to Arkansas.

Emily has to face her past. She has to come to terms with the demons she
left behind.

The move back to Arkansas
changes Jeff in unimaginable ways. Emily’s life has become a cycle of endless
abuse, violence, and constant hunger.
How will she survive? Sheer determination and a voice on the inside is
all she has left to hang onto.

Texas Association of Authors?is the only organization in Texas whose focus is to promote the authors within the great state of Texas itself. Texas Authors leverages the knowledge and expertise of many different authors to help promote others within the world of reading and writing.