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Saturday, 25 October 2014

I saw this on Facebook this morning, and I nearly had a
coronary.I thought it was absolutely
hysterical!

Dog – truly man’s best friend and saviour.

I think this is so funny, because it happens.To pretty much all of us.At least once in our lives.

For some, it is the only wake-up we need.Permanently teaching us to forever more
check, ensure and prepare.

Safety first!

As a mom, I’ve had to fling a roll in the loo far too many
times to mention.And depending on the
severity of the problem, I’ve had to resort to passing them through the crack
of the door with tongs too.

This normally happens in response to a severe call of
distress.Nay impending panic.

As a mom, you get to know your children’s calls.

When they’re babies, you can hear the difference between an
“I’m hungry”, “I’m dirty”, “I’m tired”, “I’m hurting”, and an “I’m just really
bored and want to spend some time with you while you’re holding me”, kind of
cry.

And I confirm, that now that my kids are bigger, the same
still holds true.Though their calls are
different.And unlike babies, who are
left to resort, merely to tears, my kids resort to loud bellows of
“MoOooOooOmmmmMmYyYYyyyYyYyyYyyeeeeeEeEEeeeEeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And the distressed call for loo paper, while they’re
sitting on the bog, has a unique sound, all of its own.

In general, kids of all ages, take a special delight in
calling their moms.Usually loudly.Often repetitively.Mostly unnecessarily.

Then there’s the alternative.When you simply push any buttons on your
phone, pretend to listen to a caller on the other end, whilst simultaneously clicking
a pen.In-out.In-out.In-out.This works even better,
when you’re holding a clip board.And
you’re making a list.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

I’m gainfully employed again.For a boss.After many, many years, of working for myself.

Though to be fair, I’m still working for myself too.And if truth be told, I’m currently juggling
bosses quite a bit.There’s more than
one of them.Or even two of them.I’m a bit of a boss slut.Sad, but true.

So this is the deal.Firstly, I rent out Jumping Castles.This entails work, mainly over weekends, with a rather large lot of
admin thrown into the week for good measure.Also supervision of cleaning crew, fielding customers’ phone calls,
emailing of quotes, etc.Then, I drive
the odd kid around in the afternoon after school.Not just my three.I craft rather extensively for a friend, who
pays me an hourly rate for certain work, and a per-item rate, for other
work.It all depends on the type of
thing being crafted and made.Then,
thanks to the blog, I’ve been approached by two people, to write newsletters
for them.Now this I find kinda
funny.I write about stuff I know
nothing about.No experience of the
products.No knowledge of the industry
I’m writing for.Yet, I’m receiving fan
mail and compliments.This gets
forwarded on to me, as no one knows that I’m the writer of these letters.Very funny.

And lastly, I’ve just become someone’s PA.This is currently taking up the bulk of my
time.I didn’t think I was qualified to
be a PA.Well, actually, if I’m 100% honest,
I didn’t really know what being a PA meant.Or what PA’s did.Nor did I think
I had the necessary skills needed.Still, I interviewed for the job, and I was chosen, over a few other
applicants.Much to my surprise.

Initially I absolutely dreaded it.Before even starting.The thought of it, made me break out in a
sweat.I didn’t want to be tied down.Answerable to anyone else.Responsible for more than I already am.Stretched too fine with my time.Over-extended.

But actually, it’s working out pretty peachy.And here’s why – firstly, I work from
home.What’s not to love?I can quite literally work if I’m
starkers.Or haven’t washed my hair
(this will NEVER happen – I have dirty hair phobia as well as no-eyeliner
phobia).And though I roughly have to
put in six hours a day, this time is flexible.I can work in the afternoons or at night.Early morning too.I can even dip into it over weekends.Work might fluctuate.With some days demanding more time.And others demanding less.I mean how perfect is that?The work changes all of the time.Nothing is repetitive.I do the odd bit of driving around.And so I’m not stuck behind a desk, even
though it’s my own.

And now, four weeks in, I’m discovering that I’m perfectly
qualified to be a PA.It’s mostly stuff
I’ve been doing already.For myself and
my family.At no bloody charge!

But here’s the big difference.Lots of the stuff, is the annoying
nitty-gritty that one never feels like doing.That you end up putting off.Procrastinate in doing.Move over
for the next day.

However, in doing it for someone else, at a fee for my
time, I’ve simply got no problem.I’m
not emotionally invested in anything.I
simply do it.No hardship attached.Like Nike, I just do it.

I make a call.I
swipe a card.I stand in a queue.I see someone in person.I do shopping.I pay a bill.I fetch something.I drop
something.I collect it again.I organise.I liaise.I find.I send a mail.I answer an email.I source something.I order something.I get a number.I put something on Facebook.I upload.I get a quote.I interview
someone.I register.I find a repair guy.I make an appointment.This is all stuff I do.Every day.None of it is difficult.None of
it is hard.

The irony?I like
doing it.I’m enjoying it.I have immense satisfaction in ticking
something off my list.Of doing
something semi-tricky, and having success.

And it is all made easier by the fact that I like the
people I’m a PA for.Yes, the
people.An entire family.They appreciate what I do.They thank me for it.They verbalise gratitude.They’re friendly and kind.Not dismissive of the sometimes menial stuff
I do.They’re friendly.Basically, they’re just plain nice.

Which makes me want to help them.And therein lies the difference.It is all about how people treat you, and how
they make you feel.

So what is the downside?Well the downside is lack of sleep.A mere four to five hours a night.Every single night.Seven nights
a week.Added to my work schedule, I’ve
got three kids.A home.Meals to be cooked.Homework to be supervised.Orals that need to be prepared.Extra-murals that need kids dropped off or
fetched from.A husband.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Never in my wildest dreams, would I ever have envisioned
this scenario.The one where my mom,
sister and I, are each parenting a teenager.At the same glorious time.

What a funny twist of fate.

Last week, saw the three of us, spending two nights
together.This is always a highlight.

Yet every so often, we’d find ourselves grumbling about “our”
teenagers.Cause though my mom and
sister are each parenting a stepchild, they’re fulltime mothers to those
stepchildren.Kids who live with them, that
they’re raising, and that go to school from their homes.

But while I’m whinging about my annoying and hormonal
sixteen year old teenager in Grade 10, my sister is whinging about her annoying
and hormonal seventeen year old teenager in Grade 11, and my mom is whinging
about her annoying and hormonal eighteen year old teenager in Grade 12.Crazy!

Through consultation with my posse, I can concur that there
is definitely a recurring theme.Self-obsession.Self-indulgence.As well as a decided preoccupation with food,
clothing, their social lives and their virtual social media lives.Furthermore, there is large scale
disenchantment with parental rules, the necessity for formal education and the
by-their-standards abysmal amount of money at their disposal.

How cruel life treats them.

It is awesome to have my girls on my side.My mom and my sister.Who better to consult with, and to bounce
ideas off?

Many of my friends who are parenting teenagers, sadly no
longer have the luxury of a parent to consult.Their mothers have passed on.Are
no longer there.Not only is my mother
still around, she’s also right in the very thick of parenting a teenager.I can tap directly into the power source,
from someone that I greatly admire and respect as a parent (just look how great
my brother, sister and I turned out - J).I can actually
see her parenting at the same time as me.In addition, I thought that without a doubt, my sister’s kids would be
younger than mine.She’s nearly seven
years my junior.Yet three of “her kids”
are older than my eldest.Funny, that!

How peculiar, that we’re all dealing with it at the same
time?The very same joys.Kids and their curfews.The dangers of social drinking.Have they been secretly smoking or not?Have their cell phones and i-pads morphed
into their hands?Their shoddy attitude
towards chores and helping around the home.Their propensity for thinking they are far superior to us, in every
possible way.Their assumption, that
their intelligence far surpasses ours.Their
body language, which portrays their frustration with our pedestrian attitude
towards all things they deem we don’t understand.

It is indeed true what they say – rent a teenager.They know everything.

Few people can make me feel more thick, dense, and all
round stupid, than my teen.And I’m
clearly not alone.They have a
disdainful way of talking down to one.As
if they’re explaining stuff to a toddler.And not a very bright one at that.

Anyway, such is life.Grateful for the support.Cause
all three of us, are in the same boat.At
the exact same time.Perhaps we should
look for a life raft for three?Abandon ship?

Alas, it is a wonderfully enlightening experience doing this
jig together.Cause we compare notes,
and laugh together.At our kids.At each other.And at ourselves.

So I’ve had a scary thought.If we’re all parenting teens of a similar
age, does that mean we’ll all be grandparents at a similar stage too?

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Now this is true.What causes more stress and discomfort, when entering a new
relationship?

The first kiss?Or
the first fart?

Most likely, this largely depends on the sex of the person.

Now I can’t really answer for men.Obviously.But in general, they seem to encourage bowel movements of any kind.And see them not only as a victory, but as a
measure of manliness, and virility.It
truly boggles the mind.Flatulence is
celebrated.Heralded as acts of
greatness.Boasted about.Greatly admired.And worse of all – shared.With pride.

They’re pretty indiscriminate with their audience.Anyone is fair game.And they’re not really selective about venue
or place either.Quite literally, the
world is their oyster.Many have a fondness
for confined spaces like cars.Or open
public spaces too.I’ve often wondered
if they’re similar to dogs, in that they like to mark their territory?

Now I’m quite naturally not referring to my gentle and
“sweet” smelling man.Or not only to
him. My family is rife with men.Generally, they rejoice in farting.Crude but true.Don’t believe me?Just ask the long suffering women in my
family.The wives, husbands, and
sisters.They’ll concur.

As for women?We
don’t share the same enthusiasm as men.We don’t celebrate flatulence.We
ignore it.Pretend we don’t do it. And simply never think about it.

The first kiss in a relationship is very special.Hugely much anticipated.Especially by the ladies.

It is dreamt about.Savoured.And over the years, often
taken out of the memory bank, and recalled with fondness.Usually with a great deal of embellishment
added for good measure.

I can’t exactly recall my first kiss with Grant.I’m assuming it was pretty terrible.Most likely uncomfortable and new.Noisy.All awkward and nose-bumpy, as we had to find our rhythm.Our angle and our perfect head inclination
spot.In addition, we were rather
young.And I was probably a bit of a
kissing novice.I mean, how many boys
have you kissed when you’ve just turned seventeen?

But as for the first fart?Well, Grant claims that it happened one night when we were
sleeping.

Yip, rather convenient if you ask me.As I can’t defend myself.Most likely he made it all up.I was unconscious after all.Defenceless.Perhaps he imagined it?Is he
really a good character witness in the middle of the night?It could’ve been a dream.And surely he was unconscious too?

As for him?Well,
naturally I may not reveal the exact details.Suffice it to say, that it involved a spade.And jumping.

And I still laugh to this day, when I think about it.And so does he.

Which is pretty darn perfect.An odd but special memory none the less.

And isn’t it just true of true love.A patchwork quilt of memories, all sewed
together with love.From the silly to
the serious.Special one and all.

Thus, for that simple reason, I cherish it all.The first kiss and the first fart.Yet, because of the laughter, and the shared
embarrassment, the fart sticks out by far.

There
are easier ways to avoid the awkward after-love conversation.As well as the uneasy morning-after banter.

Which
makes me think about the classic Praying Mantis pose.

Exactly
what are they praying for?Hoping they
don’t meet any hot chicks?Praying they
make it to the gay bar in time, before coming across a sexy lady Mantis?

Our
men have so much to be grateful for in comparison.

Still
they whine.

Perhaps
those ladies, that decline their men conjugal pleasures, are doing it to
protect them.

From
potential decapitation?

Must
say – never really thought of that angle before.

Just
imagine if, like the poor male praying mantis (post coitus), we too had an
obvious tell - divulging our secrets as to what we’ve been up to.Prancing about without a head, is really a “dead”
give-away.

Or
even worse - a tell as to what we’ve been thinking.

I
can keep a perfectly polite face.Masking what’s really happening on the inside.

I’m still very much in the thick of it with Luke.Which is heart breaking on its own.

I know – I’m pathetic.

This is how it is supposed to be.As they get older, they gain more
independence.Need less influence.And your opinion is no longer so valued.Or sought after.

Luckily for me, the little girl is still in there.For lots of the time.Yet the teenage glimpses and visions of what lies
ahead, makes me sad.

We still have a good and very close relationship.She tells me lots, and shares with me.Yet she’s pulling away.Teeny tiny little bits.

I also find it interesting, how she is gravitating towards
her adoring Daddy.Who absolutely loves
his role as protector.Her greatest
champion.Her biggest fan.

This is also the way it is supposed to be.

They have a friendly teasing banter, which is really sweet.
A wonderfully close bond.

I cherish the chats and closeness we have.And look forward to this deepening in years
to come.Especially once the excessive
flood of hormones, eventually starts to wane.And I perhaps gain a bit of increased popularity once more.

My deepest desire, is to have with her, what I have with my
mom.An unbreakable bond of friendship,
support, understanding and love.

The link between a little girl and her Dad is super
special.As is the link between a little
girl and her Mom.

It’s not the easiest job in the world.Some days I’d far prefer sitting in a
delightful air conditioned office.Imagining crunching numbers.Maybe being a lawyer.A
doctor.A high powered business women, making
my many minions squirm.A psychologist –
pickling and picking brains.An
entrepreneur, making gazillions.A
journalist, relaying current events.Even a data capturer – whatever that might be.

But then again, I think to myself.To be fair, I’m doing all of that
already.Sadly without the pay.Or the holidays.The 13th cheque bonus.The entertainment and travelling
allowance.The free telephone.

Moms don’t spend their days making school sarmies, and
driving kids around.And painting their nails
in between drop-offs and collections.Moms are challenged way more than that.

In any given day, you can be expected to do the
following:Help do research for a
project you have no interest in – RESEARCHER.Bake muffins for an entrepreneurship day – PATISSERIE CHEF.Help to accurately work out costs, for said
muffins, taking into account electricity usage and labour – QUANITITY SURVEYOR
AND COST ACCOUNTANT.Drive kids up and
down – CHAUFFEUR.Buy kids’ clothing to
exact specifications – PERSONAL SHOPPER.Plan meals, do grocery shopping and cook – RESTAURATEUR.Schedule kid’s extra-murals, and parties
they’re going to, get-together’s with friends, and all their social commitments
– PERSONAL ASSISTANT.Plan Birthday
Parties – EVENTCOORDINATOR. Liasse with
school teachers, keep abreast with school projects and orals, sign school reply
slips – DIARY COORDINATOR AND ADMINISTRATOR.Help with homework, orals, projects and studying for tests and exams –
PRIVATE TUTOR.Pay for everything they
need (and sometimes want) – PERSONAL BANKER.Help at school cake sale – SHOP ASSISTANT.Support next to the sports field – RA-RA-GIRL
AND SUPPORTER.Help with piano practice
– MUSIC TEACHER.Practice bowling or
play hockey in the back garden – COACH.Help to make an outfit for a dancing show or exam – DRESSMAKER.Help with make-up for a dancing show or exam
– MAKE-UP ARTIST.Capture every major
event in your child’s life – PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER ANDVIDEOGRAPHER.Go to various shops like the hardware store,
plastic shop and stationary shop to get items for school projects, ranging from
wood, nails, glue, wire, cardboard, funnels, tubs, glitter, polystyrene, etc. –
GOFER.Deal with problems with cell
phones and computer related issues – TECHNO GURU.Diffuse sibling disagreements and arguments –
CONFLICT MEDIATOR ANDARBITRATOR.Listen
to tales of love and heartbreak – LOVE DOCTOR.Explain the basics of male/female biology – SEX EDUCATOR.Give advice on personal issues, ranging from
body issues, to problems with friends – PSYCHIATRIST.Help with goal setting, study methods, and
future planning – LIFE COACH.Basic
wound care and medical assistance – DOCTOR/NURSE (depending on the severity of
the injury or ailment).Dispensing of
medicine to cure or treat any ailments, illnesses or injuries –
PHARMACIST.Give general care and
attention to matters requiring medical intervention, such as dentistry,
orthodontics, dermatology and orthopaedics and liaising with said professionals
in order to get expert care – MEDICAL ADVISOR.Ensure social get-togethers, outings and sleepovers are discussed and
coordinated with other parents – SECRETARY.Set boundaries with regards to money – FINANCIAL ADVISOR.Manage time spent on PlayStation, TV and the
computer - MODERATOR.Monitor content of
material viewed on social media and TV – SENSOR BOARD.Ensure healthy eating habits, and shop and
cook accordingly to those requirements – DIETICIAN.Limit intake of unhealthy food – HEALTH
COUNSELOR/CONSULTANT.Promote exercise
and all round physical well-being – FITNESS INSTRUCTOR.Be a non-judgemental sounding board –
CONFIDANT.Giving of life advice and
little nuggets of wisdom – MENTOR.Explaining and trying to answer questions relating to religion –
SPIRITUAL GUIDE.Initiate exposure to
art, music, dance, architecture, literature and culture – AESTHETICS
FACILITATOR.Wardrobe and clothing
advice – FASHION STYLIST.Plaiting and
gelling of hair, as well as hair straightening – HAIR STYLIST.Oversee all written school projects –
COPYRIGHT EDITOR AND PUBLICIST.Teach
etiquette, basic manners and respect towards elders – PROTOCOL ADVISOR.Advise on career options and study courses
for tertiary education – EDUCATION SPECIALIST.Act as intermediary and organiser for social calendar, incorporating
school events, extra-murals and social time with friends – LIAISON
OFFICER.Deligate household chores and
tasks – LABOUR CONSULTANT AND BROKER.Encourage and fund an interest in a pastime – HOBBY FACILITATOR.Discuss appropriate behaviour with members of
the opposite sex – FOREIGN AFFAIRS.Broker and foster fledgling relationships – SOCIAL ENVOY.Document and record all important events and
milestones – ARCHIVIST.Organise
playdates and get togethers with other parents – FRIENDSHIP EMISSARY.Carry and load everything they ever need
(Mommy, please hold my sweater) – BELLHOP AND BAGGAGE CONSULTANT.Dispense with any rubbish (Mommy, here’s my
empty packet of chips) – REFUSE REMOVAL.Explain language anomalies, sayings, grammar, as well as all verbal
skills – LINGUISTICS ATTACHE.Attend
parent-teacher school meetings – PERSONAL RELATIONS AMBASSADOR.Boost the child’s ego at all times and help
to promote a healthy overall image of the child – PUBLIC RELATIONS
MANAGER.Encourage pets and caring for
them – VETERINARY ASSISTANT.Foster a
love for helping those less fortunate and in need of help – CHARITABLE
ORGANISER.Plan transport to and from
places, as well as holidays and weekends away – TRAVEL AGENT.Ensure clothes are clean – STAIN REMOVAL
EXPERT ANDLAUNDRY SPECIALIST.Express
admiration for all art works made in all forms of media and proudly display
them in your home, regardless of their true aesthetic value – ARTISTIC AND GALLERYAFFICIONADO.All round care of neatness,
tidiness and cleanliness in the home – DOMESTICENGINEER.Relay messages from friends sent to your own
personal cell phone via sms, BBM and WhatsApp – CRYPTOGRAPHER (you firstly need
to be able to understand their texting shorthand and signals) AND MESSAGE
BEARER.Help with selling of endless
sheets of raffle tickets – SALESREP.Basic mending of items of clothing, like sewing on of Cubs badges and
adding buttons – TAILOR.Bravely endure
meals and snacks they’ve unhygienically prepared for you – TESTER.Watch numerous plays and shows put together
for your benefit – ENTHUSIASTIC CLAPPING FAN.Play endless rounds of Monopoly, cards, Snakes and Ladders, Cluedo and
any manner of boardgame – ENTHUSIASTIC-DICE-THROWER-INTENTIONALLY-THROWING-THE-GAME-SO-THEY-CAN-JUST-BLOODY-WIN-THE-GAME-AND-IT-CAN-END-AS-WELL-AS-PRAYING-YOU-LAND-ON-GO-TO-JAIL-SO-YOU-CAN-JUST-LOSE-ALL-YOUR-MONEY-AND-THE-THREE-HOUR-LONG-GAME-OF-MONOPOLY-WILL-FINALLY-END (I’m a huge fan).Count how long they can hold their breath
under water and how long it takes them to run from one end of the garden to the
other – TIME KEEPER. Stock endless quantities of stationary and craft items - STATIONARY SUPPLIER. Home burials of much beloved pets - FUNERAL DIRECTOR.

So here’s the thing.Looking back at the rather vast array and diverse scope of functions I
am required to perform on a daily basis, I feel that it is within my rights to
feel ever so slightly disgruntled.Never
mind disgruntled, damn outright exploited!Moreover, the parameters of my employment have not accurately been
documented, set and recorded.And the
list of duties I need to complete and take charge of, seem to be ever
increasing.Always growing.Stretching and stretching.Surely a proper job description is required?Protecting me from being over extended.And being taken advantage of?

There is just one solution here.Particularly given the complete and utter
blatant disregard for formal remuneration in any form whatsoever.Yip – no payment.No salary.No bonus.Not even a petrol
allowance.Nor bloody free pens from
work.

I’m taking my three bosses, Luke, Amber and Cole to the
Labour Court.They’ve left me no choice.

We’ve passed the point of arbitration. And just to prove my point, I won't cook them any supper tonight (perhaps just a little snack).