Monthly Archives: July 2013

Finding yourself – You don’t need anything from anyone else to be whole or complete, that comes from you and you alone. No one thing or person can fix your life that comes from finding a peace and contented balance that meets your specific needs. No two people are alike and what one person may view as a perfectly content life may not be the same view for another which is why when you are trying to find yourself and your peace it’s important to listen to your inner voice so you know when you’ve found it and when you haven’t. The vision is different for everyone, different things make each of us tick and believe me your gut knows when you are avoiding the truth and walking down the wrong path.

Most issues or stumbling blocks we have are rooted from something deeper within us whether that is something that was modelled, learned or a defense mechanism it creates a habitual behaviour pattern that we tend to continually repeat until we either learn the lesson on our own or hit the wall that forces us to.

Certain events in our lives can keep us stuck in a perpetual cycle from the moment an event affected us and if it happens at an early age then it can keep you from developing past it mentally. Something difficult or emotionally challenging can stunt your personal growth and maturity so much so that it keeps a part of your psyche in that age or timeframe in some form and even though you grow and age an emotional part of you stays at that point until you find acceptance. Resisting acceptance whether you are doing it consciously or subconsciously it can have a negative effect on the development of the peace and contented balance that you seek. The reason most of us don’t address or try to resolve these stumbling blocks is because either we aren’t aware of where they are rooted from or it’s much too painful to embrace but embracing your pain is the only way to deal and move forward toward finding yourself and feeling whole.

Within every difficult experience there are the usual stages similar to the grieving process that you need to move through in order to move on. If you don’t allow yourself to process through each one of these stages you get stuck in that place until you pick-up where you left off, accept and deal so you can heal and move on.

Most often we think that it requires something externally to fill the void, like once I get that, achieve that or get there I’ll be happy. Once you get there you find that the feeling of wholeness still eludes you and you still feel the void. It takes really honest inner reflection to find the root of any blockage, I don’t know of any blockage that has ever been a good one, they are called blocks for a reason. Blocks are our own inner spirit’s way of saying “I Don’t Like That” and “I’m not going to accept that”, so our inner spirit will revolt and keep showing us that block until we recognize it and address it.

When you are avoiding addressing a blockage it is usually because there is a certain amount of pain, shame or guilt that you either aren’t ready to feel or you believe you can suppress. Unfortunately you can only suppress something for so long, at some point it will surface in some way or form whether that is the referred effect of lashing out at others or shutting yourself off.

When you aren’t aware of the root of a blockage or believe that you know what it is you may spend a lot of time going in the wrong direction. I’ve done this so I know that you will continue ending up with the same result over and over until you realize what the actual root cause is, and most likely it is something completely different and in an entirely different area than you thought. I didn’t realize until later reflecting that I had overcompensated in some areas just trying to level out where I thought my stumbling block was and when the light bulb finally went on, it was practically staring me in the face. So simple that I should have realized it sooner but also so simple I thought it couldn’t be that easy.

I think we often feel that we know what the fix is and that is the first of many falsehoods that the ego will lead you through. The answers to our biggest questions lie within and only our inner voice, our gut instinct knows the answers we need to find but it’s our ego that leads us down the wrong path because of course, it’s ego, it thinks it knows best, turns out our ego actually knows the least! The ego is there to deter you from finding your peace because the more peace you find the smaller your ego becomes.

Finding yourself starts within, starting within will open more doors than you knew were there and the more doors you open the more contentment you will find.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is associated with astrology, as in planetary alignment, or if it is just me but I feel like I have been recharged. I think the ability to enhance ourselves even more positively than we may currently be feeling is something that ultimately comes from within but can be enhanced externally as well. It’s the equivalent of starting off your day feeling great and having external occurrences, like green lights all the way to work, support and/or enhance it. I do find that when I’ve felt the uprise of positivity there is no downslide it just keeps building and building and I think that has a lot to do with my thoughts and how strongly I embrace them.

I know that not every day of our lives is totally fabulous or flawless, of course that would be great wouldn’t it? I do aspire to make every day a good one and my positive mindset is one of my most helpful assets but I do have my off days and thankfully they are few. There are times when things aren’t necessarily off but maybe more stagnant and those days can be as frustrating as the off days especially if you have a lot of ambition and hope for where you want to see your life go.

I think it’s in those times where we aren’t really experiencing a storm but rather frustration that I believe are the indications that you are in need of some rest, relaxation and recharge. Sometimes the ambition can deplete you, especially if your expectations for the speed of your own personal progress isn’t moving ahead in the timeframe you had hoped for. An important thing to remember is that your faith is being challenged, another one of life’s lessons that has presented itself to me many times and when I realize I need to let go and trust that the universe knows much more than I do things start to even out because I know that everything will happen when the time is perfectly right.

What we create in our lives is solely influenced by our thoughts, state of mind and actions. I’ve witnessed someone who has embellished the truth significantly and after telling that same story it begins to take on more of a life itself then it started out with, after a while the story teller has told this story so many times that they start to believe every single part of it and it becomes their truth. Imagine if you try this same process but with a positive change that you want to create, so let’s say with ourselves, most of us have an issue with some area of our own self-image and when I read the book “The Secret” this exercise was in there too. I do believe that we can change ourselves in any area with thoughts simply by seeing a minimal change and empowering it positively, like the story teller that embellished the truth, you start to believe you are seeing the change and it grows from there and becomes your truth, honestly I’ve tried this myself and it has worked. Our mind and thoughts can do greater things than we realize. It doesn’t mean you do nothing and expect change but you do have to make adjustments to encourage what you hope to see change and starting out small is the best way to see progress.

You definitely NEED to be the change you want to see and when things begin to go in that direction, embrace it and encourage it wholeheartedly.

The decision, determination and drive to embrace and keep the positive rolling and on the right track is fully in your control.

The positive state of being can move mountains and can reduce difficulty that may have previously blocked your way. Sometimes a good dose of positive enlightenment can help to put things into perspective. Obviously you aren’t actually going to physically see a mountain move but how we perceive blockage in our life can be altered simply by recognizing that there are situations that could be and are much worse than what we believe as hindering our lives. What we encourage and embrace as our fate or luck is what will continue to occur in our daily lives until we make that shift into the positive state of being. Why would anyone embrace or accept the things they don’t want to see continue in their lives? There are many self-deprecating reasons we choose to but none of them are really true or what we deserve, we just think we do and that’s what keeps up in that state.

When you have even one little moment, one smidgen of positivity occur, grab on with all you’ve got and don’t let go. It will be your wisest and best decision and like any state of being it can spiral. I don’t know about you but if something is going to spiral out of control, I want it to be the positive!

Some things are better left unsaid, if all you have to offer someone is your fear and doubt than why does it need to be voiced? Projecting your negativity onto someone else is usually unwanted and never fair to them. Everyone has their own issues and challenges that they have to deal with throughout their lives and no one needs the addition of negativity when they are trying to maintain a positive frame of mind. Depending on their current circumstance your negativity could be what breaks them in that moment.

The phrase “misery loves company” could be referenced when it comes to negativity but my opinion is that a person can feel very alone in their thoughts and may try desperately to rid themselves of those feelings but that projection usually creates more guilt and shame and may be the start of an unwanted cycle.

What we give our energy to is what manifests in our lives so the state of being you are focusing on most is what you can expect to see show up in your life. Our minds are so much more powerful than I think we realize when it comes to having the ability within to manifest what we most desire and we can create significant change, the big question is what kind of change do you want to see occur? Are your intentions in alignment with that desire, is your focus so determined that there can be no other outcome? I’m sure most everyone would easily answer “of course I want positive things to occur” but if you’re putting all your energy into preparing for the worst how can you possibly expect the positive to manifest amid all that negativity?

Negativity is heavy, it’s draining and can feel like walking around with a piano tied to you, depending on how much you are letting it control your outlook will determine how much it holds you back. Now imagine if someone else comes along and ties their piano to you too, after that happens you may not be going anywhere and it can get harder and harder to get yourself free.

If you are already expecting the worst in any situation then you will likely get what you have already embraced.

You can induce miracles or tragedy, it’s a no-brainer for me as to which side of this I live on daily but we have our moments of vulnerability when we question circumstance simply because our immune system of will gets low. It’s in these moments that a negative thinker has the window of opportunity to spread their virus, it’s the equivalent of walking up to someone and sneezing on them, there are times when we just don’t have the inner strength to fight it off.

Our thoughts manifest to create change, not all change is negative and change occurs based on our dominant thoughts and feelings, whether we realize it or not. Be very aware of your daily thoughts, feelings and actions because you may not realize what you are manifesting if you are careless.

It’s ok for us to be aware of the downsides of any situation but it doesn’t mean we need to focus on it so intently that we manifest the outcome we don’t actually want.

Not everything works out as we sometimes hope or plan for but not everything is meant to, change exists to propel us into a different direction and sometimes the challenge in going in another direction has manifested to help us grow and learn.

We don’t come out on the other side of challenges without being provided the gift of wisdom, insight or growth. The point is though that even if you feel the direction went the opposite of where you were hoping at least you didn’t encourage that direction to be worse than by thinking negatively.

For those that struggle with overcoming negative thoughts it will be a big challenge to make the change to the positive side, it will be hard work, but well worth it and I can assure you there is no better choice!

Have you ever said this to someone? Did it have the outcome you expected?

Or:

Has someone ever said this to you? How did it make you feel?

I’ve had this experience on the receiving end because honestly I could never say this to someone and actually think that it was ok. The conclusion I’ve come to is that when someone says this it is because they are feeling helpless, inadequate or fearful and it seems to be a situationally based and reactive behaviour. I believe that everyone’s feelings count but not when those feelings are used in a combative or hurtful way.

In a way this statement is an eye opener for you as to who the person really is and it reveals a lot about how they will handle any level of stress, especially if they are projecting their stress toward someone else. It’s also a good indication of what you can expect to see in the future, similar to the theory “to see how someone deals with something give them a string of tangled christmas lights”, honestly that seems like a good theory.

We all have different levels of adversity to deal with in our lives, no one’s is more important the other’s, but if we all ran around biting each other’s heads off because we were mad about our challenges how would we ever learn to cope or gain wisdom while maintaining a level of integrity.

Even though I’ve heard many times that “people don’t change” or “leopards don’t change their spots” I believe that anyone can change their behaviourial lifestyle for the better, especially if it is currently working poorly for them, but the key is that they have to want to. It’s hard work to make changes to behaviour, they are ingrained, they’ve developed from our early years and even though habits are very hard to break, they can be broken but in order to do that determination and willingness to meet that goal will be the biggest challenge. My experience has led me to believe that anyone that makes this statement isn’t likely to change, not because they can’t but because they won’t. They either don’t realize the effect they actually have on someone or they don’t take well to the response of hurt feelings and become defensive.

Any challenge that is difficult requires a strong and determined resolve to be successful and I’ve found that any time I attempt to do something I put my mind to there is no way I am going to allow myself to give up. Any inkling that creeps into my mind telling me I can’t do something is not allowed to stay and that is my resolve and it works well for me. Everyone is different though, just because my thought process works for me, doesn’t mean it will work for someone else and maybe each of us need to find some sort of adaptation that works to be successful.

It’s a big commitment to make a change like this, everyone has the ability and the opportunity but not everyone has the endurance to see it through to the end. When you are going through something that is extremely challenging it’s a benefit to have some sort of validation from others that you are going to be successful but it’s not their validation that is the most important, it’s your own. When you don’t get that validation it can become the reason to give up because it’s just too hard and no one’s patting you on the back yet anyway but that’s the test, the life lesson.

Life is full of challenges and how you deal, cope and adapt to those challenges is entirely your decision but I think it’s important to recognize and be aware of how those decisions may be affecting those around you that you care for.

Compassion and empathy are not overrated but there is only so much you can do for someone and where the direction of their life goes depends solely on them even, it’s called “free will” and it’s everyone’s right to choose.

It’s noble to want to help another but sometimes is more noble to allow someone the same freedom that you have to make your own decisions and to ask for assistance if they want it. I think we have all, at one time or another, felt that we knew what was better for someone we care about so much so that we take the task to heart of trying to show them the way or help out. The truth is though that “the way” is really up to them and if you find yourself in this situation, like I have many times, the best solution is to step back and let them live their own life. It’s not easy, believe me I know, especially when your empathy compass is going overboard taking on their feelings of either helplessness or despair.

If you are strongly predisposed to helping others you may find that even if you are successful you could be draining yourself. Your emotional well-being could be depleted causing the other components of your well-being to become unbalanced and when you become unbalanced you are of no assistance to anyone.

I know the almost euphoric feeling of making someone feel better, it is truly inspiring but keep in mind the feeling that also follows when you accomplish something you didn’t think you could do. As much as you want to help someone you are denying them that sense of accomplishment of overcoming a challenge they didn’t think they could, I think that feeling is even more monumental and of course will affect them much more deeply.

I don’t mind constructive criticism, I always like to hear different thought processes and to have the opportunity to invite new ways of thinking into my awareness but I know that I don’t like being told what to do and that could be the resistance you may experience when you try to over-assist in someone else’s life. Sometimes we don’t necessarily look for someone else to run our lives or assist and it’s just a matter of being the sounding board that they have to vent to without judgement. Not everything requires action on my part and learning to recognize when I’m trying to show someone “the way” is an evolving lesson for me that I don’t think I’ve quite nailed down yet. Work in progress, I can accept that.

I think the biggest lesson for me is learning to step back and know when to live and let live. If someone needs my help I have to allow them the opportunity to ask, if I offer it and they don’t accept, I have to learn to accept that. Not everything is meant to be changed, everyone has their own lessons, who am I to challenge what the universe has set out for each of us. I can continue to have compassion and empathy for others but when it starts to affect my life in a negative way that is an indication for me to recognize that it is their journey not mine.

There are many reasons why certain lives go a certain direction and why some people choose not to change it and I’ve learned that even though I think I know best, I really don’t.

Like Kenny Rogers says, you’ve got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.

It’s a good theory for me to pay attention to, to remember and to live by. As much as I may want to see everyone living what I think is a joyful, happy and enriched life, it doesn’t mean that I know what that is for everyone. There isn’t a “one size fits all” when it comes to a blessed life.

I was watching the “Anderson” daytime talk show one day and there was two young women as guests that had had very difficult challenges in their lives from an early age and they had the wisdom to recognize that even though their challenges were hard there were others that had had it worse. Both of them had been through much counselling and therapy and in one of their group therapy sessions the therapist had had them, with the group, create a circle and put their problems (discuss them) in the center and said that at the end they would probably all be quite happy to pick their own back up and walk away with it and they had said they agreed. They would much rather walk away with their own issues than pick up another’s, sometimes as terrible as we think our problems are they are familiar and we know how to live in them.

I think everyone, no matter what their age, can teach us something and the best thing we can do sometimes is to just listen, sometimes that is of more help than you realize. Not everything requires a grand scale of assistance, sometimes simplicity is much more helpful.