MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Presidents party

Nobody showed up last week at my Presidents Day party. Something about snow. I ditched the thought of going anywhere and partied alone all day.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Then I realized I could only remember about five of the old presidents. Washington is on the one-dollar bill and Lincoln on the five, that’s easy. I’m pretty hazy about most of the rest; I’d never seen pictures of some of them. So I put down my appletini and cheese crackers and got out a book about our past presidents. Many don’t hold up well to the glare of history. Mostly they didn’t like the job.

I did find out that the White House was overrun by rats in the early years. During Benjamin Harrison’s term, he and his wife were plagued by spiders, cockroaches and rats. She was kind of softhearted and left out food and milk for them. The president got a bunch of ferrets that quickly took care of the rats.

Grover Cleveland deserves special mention not just because of having two non-consecutive terms as president. He also had a baby girl named Ruth. The public was so entranced with the child that Nestle named a candy bar after her. You guessed it: Baby Ruth.

Warren Harding had a baby, too. Unfortunately, its mother wasn’t his wife.

I still have a lot of presidents to get to. You’ll read it here if I find more good stuff.

Funny business

Ads from a major newspaper (not ours):

• Free Puppies: 1⁄2 cocker spaniel, 1⁄2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

• Free Puppies: Part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

• German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. FREE.

• Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

• Hummers—Largest Selection Ever—“If it’s in stock, we have it!”

• Georgia peaches, 89 cents lb., California grown.

• Treadmill, $300. Hardly used, call and ask for Chubby.

• Open House at Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee & donuts.

• Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer & dryer.

• For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. No longer needed. Got married last month, wife knows everything.

• Nice parachute: Never opened. Used once.

That blonde again

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature. Her question was: “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

Not a blonde joke

A man asked a Native American what his wife’s name was. He answered, “She called Four Horse.”

The man said, “That’s an unusual name. What does it mean?”

“It old Indian name,” came the reply. “It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”

Last words

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.