I love how "Real Housewives of New Jersey" has devolved to the point where Nicole Napolitano has to explain the concept of gossip to Amber Marchese. And by love, I mean hate.

It does not bode well for "RHONJ" that a mere six episodes in, we are already in the mid-season slump. Let's cut through the haze of old school sexism permeating the segments involving the Gorgas and Rino "Success leads to money, money leads to any freaking woman in the world that you want" Aprea and focus on the main storyline first: Amber and Nicole's apparent rapprochement following the Clash in Colts Neck.

First, Nicole decides she's going to make the first move. So she calls Amber, on speakerphone, in the middle of her fully-staffed jet leasing office, to invite her to lunch. Because that's what a successful women who makes a man's salary does. Amber tells us that she's not particularly looking forward to the prospect of having her hair pulled in public. "It's going to take a lot for me to sit across the table from you," she tells Nicole. As Amber continues to yap indistinctly over the phone, Nicole yells over her that they'll meet for lunch in Red Bank, she'll text the time and place, bye!

Both ladies are chauffeured to the cafe; you can see Jim Marchese waiting in the passenger seat of the car. He wouldn't be my personal choice for back-up, but beggars and so on. Nicole joins Amber at a table and gets to the point: "Why would you try to slander my name so bad, since you were supposed to be my friend?" Amber: "Yes, you are my friend. You were my friend." Nicole's all, exsqueeze me? Amber wants to start from the beginning. She tells Nicole that she heard from "many people" that Nicole had an affair with a married man. "A lie, a horrific lie," Nicole interrupts. Amber, who earlier insisted she didn't actually believe the rumor she relayed to Melissa Gorga on camera, now says: "I'm not going to say that." Nice!

What Amber wants to know is how Melissa brought it up with Nicole. "Your friend is talking behind your back," is how Nicole characterizes it. Amber insists she didn't tell the world that Nicole may be a homewrecker "in a malicious way against you." Maybe Amber was actually subtly promoting Nicole's candidacy for president of the Colts Neck chapter of Two-Bit Whores of America. She was doing her a favor!

Amber Marchese makes 'Housewives' history by apologizing in a somewhat timely manner.

"You're angry that you started this horrific rumor," Nicole charges. "I didn't start the rumor," Amber weasels. "You took what someone said, and you continued speaking about the rumors," Nicole says. Amber: "To Me-LIS-sa! To Me-LIS-sa!"

"I just can't believe how you were supposed to be my friend," Nicole says. "You hurt me and you don't feel this bad about it." And then Nicole brings up the bit about Amber saying Bobby is never going to marry her. (And Nicole didn't even hear — unless Bobby told her — what Jim said about Bobby hating her makeup and not wanting to kiss her.) That's the below the belt, Nicole says.

"I would have never said it if I wasn't angry," Amber maintains, but says it's something she's known about their relationship for many months, "and I think you have too, Nicole." Classic undermining! Nicole insists that things between her and Bobby have been good. "After the fight, or pre-fight?," Amber needles. "Sometimes relationships take a little long," Nicole says defensively, "so yeah, we're at that point now where we are in love."

Earlier in the episode, Nicole confided in us that ever since Amber called her a two-bit whore, Bobby has "been much more expressive." But to us, Amber calls Bobby a gigolo. "If Nicole wants true love — and damn it, she deserves it — Bobby, to me, is playing her for a fool." So is she a whore, or is he a gigolo? Can't have it both ways. Well, you can, but then nobody gets paid.

Amber, to her credit, does finally apologize: "I am sorry, I really am sorry." And it took her less than two episodes! That's got to be a record for the entire "Real Housewives" universe. Mazel tov. Nicole accepts, telling us, "I really see the remorse in her heart, in her soul." Wait, Amber has a soul? That's burying the lead.

"We need to get your reputation back intact, my credibility back intact," Amber tells her. And Nicole, to her credit, does not smack her upside the head.

Elsewhere:

• Melissa is going to be the face of Joe's new science garbage venture. Melissa spitballs some marketing ideas: "It's gonna make the earth stronger!" At the facility, an actual scientist attempts to school her in the technology. They're need to generate a lot more power for that bulb to go on over Melissa's head. "She can definitely be ready," the scientist tells Joe. "She has the physical ability ..." As in the physical ability to carry around to mounds of flesh on chest, apparently.

• Amber and Jim debut the new commercial for Mortgage Now with a large group of friends, some of whom may not be on their payroll. It's a relief for Amber: "I need to be around people who love and adore me and just block everything else out."

• Teresa and Rino Aprea host a dinner for Nicole and Bobby, Melissa and Joe, Teresa and Joe, Dina, Kathy and Rich (hey, it's that guy with the glasses!), and Rosie and her girlfriend Ellen, whom Rosie met last season on camera. (Unless that was set up by producers ... no, they wouldn't make Rosie pretend to meet her girlfriend for dramatic purposes. That's crazy talk.) As Dina, Teresa and Joe pull up the restaurant, Joe announces, "If you don't let us out soon, I'm gonna start farting." Always one with a clever conversational gambit, that Joe.

Rosie offers a lovely toast to Ellen: "Since I met her, my life has been a lot better. She's inspired me to do some great changes in myself ... She's my friend, and that's the important thing." You know, if "Real Housewives of New Jersey" brought Rosie Pierri a little happiness, it can't be all bad. And that is probably the most genuine statement I have ever made in a "RHONJ" recap.

Nicole, who later in the episode insisted to Amber that she and Bobby are in love, looks wistfully on, telling us she can't say for sure that she will have the same kind of happily ever after with Bobby.

• "My priorities have changed," Teresa tells us, as she presents Gia with a family ring on her 13th birthday. "Like, why am I spending all this money on birthday parties, because really, your child with be happy with anything." And why is she spending all this money on birthday parties, when she owes $13 million to creditors? Meanwhile, from her father, Gia gets an excrutiatingly uncomfortable talk about kissing boys. MOVING ON.

• Rino, Teresa and Giovanni talk about Giovanni's future, although Rino seems oddly out of touch with his son's education. Who needs college, anyway? Rino went into the family restaurant business after high school. "He's really picking up where I left off," Rino tells us. To Giovanni, he says, "Success leads to money, money leads to any freaking woman in the world that you want." Also, he tells Giovanni to "triple bag it." MOVING ON.

Rino and Teresa are considering opening a restaurant in New Jersey that will one day be Giovanni's to run. They're touring a building under construction with Teresa's construction-savvy father Sal, although there's the possibility they may buy out an existing restaurant.

• Teresa shows up at Dina's — or to be more exact, Dina's insane Versailles-like closet — because Dina wants her to make a vision board for her future.
"Once you really make something visual to you, your mind can kind of prepare for it," Dina says. Imagine where she and Joe are going to be a year from now, Dina tells her. Teresa doesn't need a vision board; she needs the first two seasons of "Orange Is the New Black."

"I don't really care about materialistic things," Teresa says, barely looking up from her magazine. "I just want health." Then she admits, "You know I have a lot of stuff going on legally." Dina encourages her to find words or sayings about her hopes for the outcome of the case. They are: Best. Freedom. Safe. Thank you. Extraordinary Beginnings. Love. Teresa also tells Dina that she's been looking at smaller homes in the area. "I'm not afraid to downsize," she says, rather unconvingly. To us, she says, "Everything we're going through is financially draining, and listen, you can make a home anywhere. As long as there's love, that's all that matters."

Best quote: "My priorities have changed. Like, why am I spending all this money on birthday parties, because really, your child with be happy with anything." — Teresa Giudice

Is Amber's apology genuine? Will Teresa really downsize? Does anyone care about science garbage? Follow me on Twitter @VickiHy, where I ponder these and other ridiculous questions in real time every Sunday night.