Sports

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game.

BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury.

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

CLEVELAND—Having watched in horror as their team crumbled after a 3-1 World Series lead, members of the Cleveland Indians expressed concern Thursday that the organization has been cursed for building their franchise on an incredibly old Native American stereotype.

THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven.

CHICAGO—Barely able to communicate through the din of thunderous noise during Game 3 of the World Series, members of the Cleveland Indians admitted Friday to being completely rattled by the deafening sound of the Wrigley Field crowd’s indigestion.

CHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago Cubs fan Frank Sanford confirmed Tuesday that he feels ready to get completely drunk again on only two days’ rest.

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

BOSTON—Having officially entered retirement after 20 seasons in Major League Baseball, former Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Thursday that he is excited to finally be able to eat whatever he wants.

WASHINGTON—Using a large plastic trash bag to collect the uniforms scattered around their bedroom closet, Michelle Obama reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon throwing out many of her husband’s old number 44 jerseys.

NEW YORK—Featuring various clips from past playoff games and what appears to be an abandoned slaughterhouse, a disturbing new MLB postseason commercial that began airing Friday claims October is when the maggots feast on rotting pig flesh.

CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice.

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

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MLS Signs David Beckham To 12-Team, $250 Million Deal

LOS ANGELES—All 12 Major League Soccer teams pooled their money together last Friday in an effort to sign European superstar David Beckham to a five-year, $250 million deal—the richest and most all-inclusive contract in league history. "Mr. Beckham will be a wonderful addition to the Galaxy, the Dynamo, the Red Bulls, the Fire, the Crew, and many other teams," said MLS commissioner Don Garber, who is also in charge of arranging which teams get custody of Beckham during certain weeks, games, and halves throughout the season. "We're very confident that David will lead one of these teams to the championship." Beckham, who recently claimed that he's always wanted to play in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Washington, Columbus, and Kansas City, will spend the next several months training, meeting with representatives, and being formally introduced at press conferences.