Suburgatory (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

Foam Finger

After a year of false starts, missed opportunities, and not enoguh candle light, Dallas and George's relationship, was finally about to ignate. I swear George, we have been laughing all night. Except for right now. Right now it's just weird. Well, it's late. Maybe I should go. Tonight has been perfect. No, George, it hasn't been perfect, at least, not yet. What about Dalia? Oh, we're not into that. No, I meant where is Dalia? Oh, Dalia's sleeping outside of Versace for their annual sale, so we've got this big old place all to ourselves. Really? What could we possibly do in a house this size, - with so many empty bedrooms? - Oh, I'll show you. This has been a long time coming, George, and I do not intend to disappoint. - Dallas - No. No. George. Five minutes. I'm just gonna touch up my face, slip into something more comfortable, retouch my face, and get this party started, right? Right. Dallas, I'm falling asleep down there. You coming back? Hello? Hit the switch, daddy! O okay. What's going on? Dallas? Are you sure you should be hanging like that? Well, you know how to make an entrance. - Whoa! - What are you doing? I'm popping it so you can lock it. I'm tooting it so you can boot it. Why why don't you hold off on tooting? Are we sure this thing is safe for booting? Hey! You want to snap a pic of me? Uh, I don't have my phone. Okay then. Ready or not, here I come! Aah! Oh. Oh! You okay? You want me to be okay? - Yes. - Well, then I am. Oh, good. Where you going? Intermission. Hey. Why don't you go ahead and pick out your favorite flavor of spermicide? Sperm spermicide? Oh. It's totally your call, but I like yankee pot roast. - I had a big lunch, but thanks. - Oh, George! he's a yankee pot roast man Hey. I did not commit to that flavor. What is going on? Come on, George. Deep down, there's not a man alive who doesn't want to do it with a choir leader while the whole gospel choir looks on. 'Fess up. 'fess up, 'fess up, 'fess up pot roast man, 'fess up - * mmm okay, you know - What? Uh, yeah, sorry. Thank you. You know what? The choir and a couple of these other things make me a little uncomfortable. Do you think we could just be alone? George Altman, you're out of your damn mind, and I love it. Well, go figure. Thanks, but no thanks, y'all. Thanks. - * Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm - Can we just sit down? Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm hmm, hmm, hmm What is it, George? Can we just start with a kiss? Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! Dallas? Oh! That was amazing! Holy smokes! George, you're the best! The best I've ever had, I swear. Whew. You Tucker me out, George. Thank you. The good news is I got them on sale. The bad news is I'm gonna be wearing them when I walk out of your lives. My dad's getting remarried, you guys, to this super cool stewardess on Air Singapore. Her name's Wan'er. Wan'er? Wan'er is like the name Dalia over there. All the hot bitches have it. Is Wan'er really pretty? No. She's gorgeous. She's basically a Singaporean supermodel, and I'm gonna be maid of honor at the wedding, and we're gonna sell the pictures to the Asian Internet for $10 million. Wow! Ooh! And then I'm gonna go with them on their honeymoon, and there's a fairly good chance that shortly thereafter, I'll be named Queen of Singapore. Wait. So you're moving to Singapore? Nothing's official, but, yes, it's official. But what about us? You're gonna have to find someone new to copy. From now on, I only have one B.F.F., and that's Wan'er. - What do you want, nerd? - Hey there, Dalia. So, uh, I'm cold-calling every single girl I've ever met in my life because I need a beautiful assistant for my final presentation in magic class. My mom has shingles. Who cares? Bye. No, wait! No. No. No. Look, my presentation counts for three-fourths of my grade. I I need to make an object disappear. How about I make you disappear, loser? No, no, no, no! Wait, wait! Ta-da. Hey, what do the girls think about the two of you dating? I'll find out tonight. We're taking them out for Chinese and then drop the news. I'm cautiously optimistic. Tessa loves Dallas, you know. The sooner the better, man. You just gotta rip that band-aid right off. Hey, speaking of ripping things off, did you get Dallas naked yet? Did you take any phone pics? I always take phone pics. No, I didn't take any phone pics. You know what? I feel a little weird talking about this, mostly because it was really weird. Okay. The whole thing lasted about three seconds, give or take two seconds. I'm sorry, buddy. It happens. It happens. You gotta think about something else. I always imagine elderly women eating egg salad sandwiches. It wasn't me. It was her. I'm confused. Yes, as as was I. Could she have some kind of a medical condition? What kind of medical condition? Maybe it was just all the buildup, you know, the anticipation. Look, do me a favor. Next time, skip the appetizers. Go right for the entree. - All right? - Right. That's how Jill likes it. We haven't kissed on the mouth in 13 years. We couldn't be happier. Wanna see my phone pics? Hey! Ya! Ya! Ya! Come on! What is wrong with you? Why are you walking in the middle of the street? Dalia has a new B.F.F. We've got no one to tell us what to do. You need someone to tell you not to walk in the middle of the street? Well, yeah. You guys, Tessa's so smart. She told us not to walk in the street. Will you lead us? Uh, no. Sorry. I just have a bunch of homework and dinner plans, and also, I don't want to. Oh, my goodness! Let's get out of here. But how will we get home? I can take you. I can take all three of you. Okay. And then all three of them were about to get in this molest-y van. Lisa, they need someone, and I would take them myself, but I have a bunch of homework and dinner plans, and also, I don't want to. Well, I did dog-sit two summers ago. Three golden-doodles. Glorious girls. Mind you, that was before backup cameras. Right. So keep them out of the driveway? I'll do it. Okay. I need all the K.K.K. in the house. Come on! Kimantha, Kenzie, Kaitlyn. There you go, girls! Oh, and also, they, uh shed. Okay. We have a a little announcement to make. No coupon tonight. Everything full price. That's fine. Price doesn't include gratuity. O okay. Why why is she directing this at me? Sorry, George. Shun Ju can be a little You want extra pancake? You pay. I don't even know if we're getting moo shu. We're trying to celebrate - our first dinner together as a couple. - You guys are a couple? Well, yeah, that's that's what we wanted to tell you kids. No children's plate! - With less hostility from the waitress. - Well, this is great. I'm really happy for you two. Oh, Tessa, thank goodness. I mean, you'd really have to be blind not to see this one coming. Right, Dalia? Dalia? Please answer Tessa's query as to whether you are or are not blind. Sorry, mommy. Wan'er is totes blowing up my phone about dress ideas for the wedding. Wedding? Whose wedding? No, not not ours. We're not there yet. Steven, apparently, is. I am so glad he found someone who doesn't speak English. That truly was his only chance at happiness. O.M.G., you guys. Wan'er is such a card. She's making me L.O.L. My stomach, like, literally hurts from all the L.O.Ls Wan'er keeps dropping. Speaking of, I'm gonna go lay some lo mein. Cool. I'm so relieved. I think she took the news real well, if she heard it. Normally, Dalia's not so good with change, but she's been peaches and cream. I knew Dalia well enough to know that she was neither peaches nor cream, and something told me her story about Wan'er was just as spotty as the cell reception in Shun Ju. Oh. George! Well, this is a surprise. That's what I was going for surprise. George, look at you with your sweaty hair and me in my not-expecting-company clothes. You should Mmm! Oh, my gosh, George, yes! Oh, yes. Oh, George. Oh, here I go. Ooh, it's happening. Whoa. Whoa! Whoa! You're number one, George. Where did that finger come from? Dallas, I barely touched you. That's all it takes. That's how good you are. You did it. You brought me there. Whoo! Number one! - George Altman, you are number one!- Where are you going? To the kitchen to get you something to drink. Go, George, you did it who's the man? You're the man you did it, George Altman, uh-huh Lisa had the K.K.K. Eating out of the palm of her hand, and Dalia Royce was sitting by herself? She was newly brunette, completely alone, and no one seemed to care but me. The whole thing was more unnatural than Mr. Wolfe's new colored contact lenses. Amethyst is my birthstone. Cool. EIf you don't want it, who wants it? I can't want it for you! Do you want it? Do you want it? I want it! I already got it, y'all! I got it from George Altman, night after day after night. Don't forget to hydrate. I'm already hydrated, y'all. You know who quenches my thirst? George Altman. Let me tell you, ladies, this man is large and in charge. If your legs moved as fast as your mouth You know who takes it real slow until he speeds it up? George Altman. I mean, Wesley who? "White men can't what"? He does this trick whereby he have y'all ever been to "Zumanity"? I have. It was incredible. Well, take that experience, multiply it by 20, divide it by 3, raise it to the tenth power, add 9 inches, subtract 2, and add back 1, and that's what George Altman gave me. I'm getting 36. But I haven't been to "Zumanity," so Can it, Rhonda! Look here. Sealy, Simmons, and Posturepedic gave him a standing ovation. Y'all with me in the back? Sealy, Simmons, and Posturepedic. And she wasn't uncomfortable with them watching? Those are mattresses, Fred. Oh. So they did it on a mattress. Hmm. Mental image uploaded. Mental image deleted. And then she gave him the finger the number one foam finger. I knew it. I never thought it was his lovemaking for a minute. It's the goatee. He took her to ecstasy with the whole choir watching. Huh. So I was wrong. I always assumed George was selfish in bed. Hey! There he is! - Whoo! - Hello, hello, hello, hello. - What's all this? - Oh, we've heard about your sexploits, my friend. - My sexploits? - Bravo, George. Way to take care of business. Wh what are you guys talking about? Well, apparently, you've been satisfying your lady love. Dallas has been running around telling everybody you are the president of pound town. King of coitus! The Hitler of hittin' it! I had a good run going you all saw - and then Fred "Hitlers" it? - Sorry as soon as it came out of my mouth. Fred, it's okay. Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you guys, but I barely even touched her. I don't know, George, I just felt your touch. It's magnetic. George throws off a lot of sexual heat. He always has. Dallas keeps acting like this big thing is happening, but I assure you, nothing is happening. I don't know what's gotten into her. George Altman has. Am I right? There it is! - Slap it. Do you see how he slapped that? - Javier. Look, I don't know what you're complaining about, George. I would pay Sheila money to praise my prowess, but I can't, because she won't let me have an A.T.M. card. Knock, knock. Hey. What are you doing here? I just noticed that you were, uh, eating lunch alone today, and then I heard you left school early, and I know this may seem like a weird question coming from me, but everything okay? Totes. I just came home early to get ready for my video chat with Wan'er. Okay, great. It just seemed like you were going through something, you know, with the dark hair and Yeah, I wan'ered it for the wedding. I'm gonna be maid of honor. They don't do any cleaning. I checked. Okay. Phew. Guess I was just worried about nothing then. Could you worry about getting out of my room? I kinda need to take this. Ni hao! Hey, Wan'er. I dyed my hair to look like your hair. Don't you think my hair looks like your hair, Wan'er? I know. Me, too. I'm really excited for the wedding. Wan'er, no. You're not supposed to wear that before the wedding. You're already married? You eloped without me? Okay. Bye-bye! Well, tell daddy I say hi Oh, hey, Dalia. Uh, so so I was just in the middle of this pretty intense kettlebell workout here, when I saw you were online, so I figured I'd, you know, like, circle back around, and just see if you magically changed your mind. Actually, I did change my mind. Really? Ow! I want you to make me disappear. Sweet! I'm I'm gonna get my foot looked at, and then we'll do that. I'm so excited. I mean, you know what she's doing, right? She's committing social suicide. Because she wants to do magic with Evan? Lisa, if you look up "rock bottom" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Evan in a top hat. Okay, I just I don't understand why you're so concerned about Dalia. She wouldn't be worrying about you. Look, our parents are dating now. I feel responsible for her. I just I have to do something before Evan feels her up. Okay, well, while you're in there, would you please tell her to take back the K.K.K.? Yesterday, one of them had an accident on my bedspread. Voila! A student has appeared. Uh, sorry to bother you, Mr. Jacobs, but this is kind of urgent. Where's Dalia Royce? Is this the Dalia Royce you're looking for? No. That's a Jack of clubs. My! How did it get there? Could you please tell me where Dalia Royce is? Oh, certainly. She's, uh, right here in my pocket. Go on. Say hello. Whoa. Look at that. Lots of scarves. Amazing. Amazing Or magic? Actually, neither. Hey, Tessa. Evan signed out the practice room. Bye, Mr. Jacobs. Did I freak your mind? I sure am loving these surprise visits, George Altman. Which wall are you gonna pin me to this time? No. No. No walls, Dallas. We need to talk. This isn't easy for me to bring up. It's about our sex life. Whoa. Whoa. - Whoa! - No, Dallas. Don't do that. At ease. I can't help it, George. You just get me so worked up and so forth. I just want it so bad and so on. Babe and I I mean this in the nicest possible way drop the act. I beg your pardon. Well, that was hardly the reaction I was hoping for. I mean, when I saw "Zumanity," the crowd went wild with I don't want the circus. I just want you. I want us. Well, I guess there's gonna be a learning curve then. For both of us. And I I get what you're trying to do, but honestly, I don't I don't need you pretending you're on a roller coaster or running around town telling everyone I'm some kind of a sexual superman. I just thought that's what men wanted to feel like they were number one. - I thought all guys - I'm not all guys. I'm George Altman. And I think sexual partners should focus on closeness, not costumes, intimacy, not "Zumanity," and just because we're spooning doesn't necessarily mean we need someone playing the spoons. I just want us to connect. Connect. Yeah. I'm not sure I know how to do that. Maybe I'll show you sometime. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the kissing kugel. You'll notice one slice is missing from this delicious tray of kosher kugel. Don't tell me my cousin Aaron ate it. Hold for laughter. I will now give my beautiful assistant a kiss on the lips and make the kugel appear in her mouth, which you can see is empty. Dalia, no! The kugel is a gateway kugel. Immobulus! Dalia, I know you're hurting, okay? I know that Wan'er isn't really your B.F.F. And I know you're not gonna be the maid of honor - at their wedding. - They eloped without me. I know. I'm sorry, but Evan is not the answer. If daddy and Wan'er don't want me and mommy's with that greasy hobo, then maybe my place is here, with Evan. He's a mensch. We're probably gonna elope ourselves one day. Uh, no. I I can't do that. - My safta would have a conniption. - What are you trying to say, Evan? I fully expected Dalia would trample Evan's heart. That's the natural order. It never occurred to me that Evan would be the one to hurt Dalia. Look, cookie, we had fun. There's no denying it. Laughs galore. That's what I bring to the table. But long-term, this just wouldn't work. Why not? Well, because you're a shiksa! And you're a loser. Yep, my work here was done. I'm an amateur magician, and I've been practicing for so long. Okay, now, honestly, how was it? You know, it wasn't bad. It was pretty decent. Right. Exactly right. Pretty decent that's me. That's what I do. Seriously, though. How was it? You're number one, George! You are number one! You know what? I take it back. It adds something. It really does. There. Now you look like yourself again. Yeah. I feel like myself again, too. And myself wants you to get the "H" out of my "R." As I got the "H" out of her "R," I couldn't help but smile. It was sort of nice to have Dalia back to normal. Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech ha-olam Asher bahar banu