Why Squirrels Vote Republican

“The squirrel won the election but he got run over by one of those bicycles with the big wheel and lost most of the feeling in his legs.”

I tell you, there was a heck of a squirrel back when I was several inches taller than my brother Dolph. Back then squirrels were feisty little things and they didn’t like it that they couldn’t vote. So they ran a squirrel for mayor.

Now this squirrel wanted lots of favors done for him and his buddies so he brought a lot of whiskey to the town square and said, “Here you are, boys, a round on me tonight!” But the other fella, he didn’t want a squirrel so he hired the police to steal his girlfriend. Then the governor got involved and he was a jerk, so I punched him in the kisser. He ran off into the woods and a woman found him later and put a curse on him and now he’s on permanent display at a state rest stop in Kansas.

When the election came the squirrel won but he got run over by a guy on one of those bicycles with the big wheel, so he won the battle but lost most of the feeling in his legs. He decided life wasn’t worth living if he couldn’t be the first squirrel mayor so he wrote a letter to Abe Lincoln, the president.

Now Abe Lincoln, he thought squirrels were grand because they saved him from a bear back in the war. So he heard all about this squirrel business and said, “Now isn’t that something,” and so he wrote back to the squirrel, get well, the country needs you. The squirrel got the letter in time for his 33rd birthday, but his physical therapy didn’t go well cause he had the same nurse I did and she don’t feed you ’til you can walk all the way down the hall and back.

The squirrel was so happy that he started eating beef casserole a lot and got really fat, but he met up with his girlfriend. She escaped from the police and saw how fat the squirrel had got and she said, “I will marry you only if you walk all the way to Washington and back and lose that beef casserole gut, Chunky.” The squirrel did walk to Washington and he tried to see Abe Lincoln but by then the Commies had worked him over and he was dead and gone. So when the squirrel got back home he told everyone what had happened and they’ve been voting Republican ever since, cause they figured that if they couldn’t help him now, they could at least vote.

The squirrel ran for mayor again ten years later but lost because it turned out he was living in the cemetery’s privy and the town thought that was wicked. He wound up selling hot dogs on the street until he died.