‘Downton Abbey’ Recap: Season Five Christmas Special

Here we are: the end of season five! How do we feel about this run, guys?

I liked this season, but then I like this show period. I wouldn’t say I’m a Downton apologist, but I do feel like the show is critic-proof in the sense that if you’re watching, you know what you’re getting: the production design is exquisite, the direction is top-notch, and beat-by-beat the writing is smart and enjoyable.

Having said that, as I’ve noted before, the show has been scattered in its focus since Matthew died, feeling sometimes like a collection of subplots. Which is still enjoyable! We had three seasons to start caring about every character on the show (other than Barrow) before we lost the Mary/Matthew adventure that had been the focus of the series, so it’s actually nice to let them all breathe and enjoy little arcs of their own.

This year’s Christmas special is a good microcosm for the show in that way. It’s stuffed with story, beginning well before Christmas actually occurs and giving everyone something to do, but it feels unfocused. For my money the 2012 Christmas special — which unfortunately ends with Matthew’s demise — was as good as Downton’s ever been, so my expectations were admittedly high.

But I’m a huge believer that if you leave people with a sweet taste in their mouths, you can get away with pretty much anything. This episode delivers on that front in spades, closing with a coupling that’s been building since the show started and that’s sure to bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened Downton cynic. Shall we?

Anna Bates is the new black

So Anna is like actually in jail, which is awful but at the same time do you seriously expect me to believe she’s going to waste away there until the end of this Christmas special? Do you? Because I don’t believe that.

Mary goes to see Anna in jail and deliver some comforting words. It’s all so very sad and depressing and prison-y but unfortunately Mary’s maaarvelous hat completely steals the scene. It’s a great hat: sort of dark grey wrapped in a big thick shiny ribbon. A+ hat. 10/10 would recommend.

Later, during a sort of grueling prison infodump with Bates, Anna reveals to the audience that she was sexually abused by her stepfather as a child. This is horrible. She attacked him with a knife, so now the cops think she murdered Green. They’re going at this Anna tragedy stuff really hard but (see above) I very much doubt Anna is still going to be in jail for long, so larding her up with this gruesome, violent backstory feels gratuitous and manipulative to me. Your mileage may vary.

Eventually Anna gets out of jail (“eventually” being a relative term since it takes ~30 minutes of television time — not exactly a life sentence here) because Bates writes a note confessing that he killed Green, though everyone seems to acknowledge that he’s just doing this to get Anna free. As a result, though, Bates has to run away and go into hiding, which… is strangely fine with me, outside of causing poor put-upon Anna still more undeserved angst.

Christ, you two, get a room. Or a house. Just get a house.

Carson has picked a house for himself and Hughes to buy and turn into their dream bed and breakfast. Hughes, regretfully, tells Carson that she doesn’t think this plan is going to work. In a legitimately heartbreaking expository monologue, we learn that Hughes has a sister, Becky, who’s “not quite right in the head.” For her whole life, Hughes has been paying to have her sister cared for – spending every cent she can spare, and totally foregoing the possibility of her own retirement. She’s just planning on continuing to work as long as anyone will let her — presumably until she just keels over into some of Mrs. Patmore’s stew or whatever.

So yeah, that’s all tragic. (Also, between Hughes and Anna, what is with this episode and the secret tragic character histories?)

Hughes hopes Carson will buy the place anyway, but… it just won’t be the same without her. I don’t like this one bit!

National Lampoon’s Sinderby Vacation

The whole family is off to a holiday with the Sinderbys, which sounds fun. Chanukah special!

On their way out of Downton, there’s a nice moment of Edith almost saying, “Come to mummy!” to Marigold but stopping herself short so as not to give away to anyone that Marigold is secretly her daughter. It’s a cute little throwaway that is then ruined when Donk says — and this is a direct quote — “Did you see that? Edith wanted to say ‘Come to mummy’ but she stopped herself just in time.” We get it. We get that you get it. OK? Got it.

The Sinderbys have a bangin’ abode up on a hill someplace. I am a fan of the way it’s decorated, and Lady Sinderby looks like an extra in a Lady Gaga video while sprawled out on their couch. The front hall looks like a set from Harry Potter, and maybe it was once, who knows?

The whole reason everyone has trekked out to see the Sinderbys, other than bonding, is to go shooting. Tom and Lady Sinderby share a nice moment, guns in hand, when she asks him if it was difficult to join the Grantham family. She’s had her fair share of experience struggling to integrate with stiff English people, after all.

Barrow, and Barrow, and Barrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day

So like, the Sinderbys have this uppity butler, right? And he’s being rude to Tom (by not providing sufficient sugar for Tom’s tea — can you imagine)? So Mary enlists Barrow’s help to knock him down a peg or two?

Look: I don’t really care what Barrow does, you don’t care what Barrow does, the show’s not called Downton Barrow. This whole subplot is an attempt (much like last week’s shenanigans with Denker) to make Barrow look like a proper human by putting him next to someone even worse than he is (in this case grumpy butler Stowell), but NO SALE, I’M AFRAID.

The net effect on the plot of this little circus is minimal. We learn that Lord Sinderby has an illegitimate child who we’re never going to see again because Rose cunningly makes the kid and his mom go away. So now Sinderby likes Rose. OK? Are we good here? if you need more detail feel free to e-mail me at thatadamgoldman@gmail.com and I’ll be happy to drink a bottle of wine and describe it all in exquisite detail.

Spratt Wars Episode IX: Revenge of Spratt

Denker and Spratt continue to bicker. Their bickering is endless, ceaseless as the tides, inexhaustible. It will never end. When your bones have turned to grey dust in your coffin beneath the tender earth, when cockroaches scuttle between the ruins of our human cities, when the sun goes supernova and bathes the planet in a heat beyond language, Spratt and Denker will still be bickering.

Anyhoo, this week Spratt tries to get Denker fired for not knowing how to cook soup.

Yes. Read it again.

Spratt is like, “Hey Denker, I heard you make a mean chicken broth, why don’t you make us some chicken broth?” Denker obviously can’t cook but agrees to it anyway. I think even for this show we’ve reached a new low in terms of stakes. And they call Seinfeld a show about nothing.

Spratt lures the Dowager downstairs at her house (NOT BLOODY LIKELY) where she tries Denker’s rank chicken broth and manages to keep a nice face on despite the fact that even Denker knows it’s trash. So eat a dick, Spratt. Eat a bowl of them. “There is a point, Spratt,” hisses Violet, “when malice ceases to be amusing.” That point, we can all agree, was several episodes back. Maybe even a season. At any rate, Denker wins. Move along, nothing to see here.

Let’s not Russian to anything here

Are you going to miss my Dad jokes after this season ends?

Shrimpy has succeeded in locating Princess Kuragin, and she’s coming to see Violet. Oh, and also her husband. Violet is not that excited about this, and claims she’s just doing her duty in finding Irina for the sake of the prince. “Never complain, never explain.” Sure, but there’d better be a good story to go along with all this hemming and hawing.

At last, Princess Irina has arrived! Kuragin wants to see her for the first time in a room with other people because this is television even though he hasn’t seen her in five years. “The presence of strangers,” says Violet, “is our only guarantee of good behavior.” Yeah, OK. Fair enough.

Kuragin and Irina greet each other coldly. Irina seems to do everything coldly, come to think of it. Isobel, Merton and Violet try to English up this whole scene but Irina is too Russian for that. “I wear the clothes you laid out for me,” she deadpans, “but I have no luggage. I have no possessions to put into my luggage.”

She goes on and on about losing the will to live or whatever, all bummed because she lost her wealth and whatnot. This is sad, I guess? I think we’re supposed to be thinking, “Jeez, wouldn’t it be awful if this happened to Cora!” She also goes straight for the Dowager, implying that the two have more of a history than Violet has let on previously… and then the scene ends. What a tease!

Once his wife and the others are out of earshot, Kuragin is like, “Sooo, hey, now that you’ve met my wife… and she sucks… do you wanna maybe shack up?” Violet, reasonably, explains that that’s not possible. I respect her position here. Kuragin is maybe ahead of his time, wishing that they lived in a more selfish age, but Violet is stuck in her own world. Perhaps that world is old in even in Downton terms, but still.

Later, Isobel and Violet sneak off to have a chat, and Violet at last reveals what happened with her and Kuragin back in the day. They fell in love, agreed to elope (!), but Violet’s maid betrayed her trust to Princess Irina, who followed the happy, fleeing couple to the port and… yanked Violet out of a carriage! Yikes! “By my arm, by my hair, by my leg — anything to get me out of the coach.”

To hear Violet tell it, Irina saved her from ruin: an existence without her husband, her children, her whole life as she knew it. So in return for that, the Dowager had Shrimpy find her and bring her back to civilization — or what the Dowager thinks of as civilization, at any rate. It doesn’t seem like Kuragin or Irina particularly appreciates the favor, but maybe with time they’ll find it was for the best? Like Violet did? I wonder if we’ll be seeing any of the Russians next season; I’d be interested to see what they get up to.

Genuinely Touching Donk Moment Alert

Donk, feeling vulnerable because a health problem he turns out not to even have (don’t ask), goes to talk to Edith, who is sporting some Fucking Hair. Bear in mind this is the hair she SLEEPS WITH. Anyway she comes clean about Marigold, but she still doesn’t want Mary to know. Donk confesses that this isn’t the way he wanted things to go down, but (of course) he forgives Edith (for… having a kid out of wedlock?), though he does think they should keep Marigold a secret from the public.

It’s actually quite a nice scene. It’s easy to forget, since this whole culture is so distant from our own in certain ways, that this is a family we’re dealing with here. “Oh, my darling,“ says Donk, “I’m sure I need your forgiveness quite as much as you need mine.”

What do you think: is Edith’s reticence to tell Mary about her illegitimate daughter going to be the thing that shakes Mary into treating her sister like a real human next season?

Mary and Henry sitting in a tree, S-H-O-O-T-I-N-G

Some friend of Atticus named Henry Talbot is visiting and so goes shooting with Mary. Mary is sort of a bitch to him which I think is inadvisable because Henry Talbot is played by world-class sex robot Matthew Goode so I have a suspicion he’ll be sticking around the show for awhile.

Sadly, Henry can’t stay for long and leaves halfway through the episode. “Maybe we’ll meet again,” flirts Mary. Yeah, I bet you will. Then Henry takes off in a sexy fast car, a move redolent with symbolism since poor doomed Matthew couldn’t even drive home from meeting his son without wiping out and getting his stupid self killed.

The disappointingly angst-ridden courtship of Isobel Crawley

Isobel gets a letter from one of those little Merton monsters (Larry, Lord Merton’s son). Instead of trying to make amends for being a malevolent turd, he just doubles down on his horrible anti-Isobel sentiments. It’s rude, even judged by 2015 standards, and cruel no matter how you look at it. Isobel is decided more firmly than ever not to get involved with these hostile trolls. Which is sad, but I guess how many weddings did I honestly expect to get?

When Isobel shows the Merton twerp’s letter to his father, Lord Merton is justifiably upset and tries to convince her to pay no heed to the anger of his spoiled sons. Sadly she won’t be moved, telling him she “will not poison what years we have left by setting you against your children.” It really does suck; Isobel deserves a happy ending as much as (more than?) anyone else on this show, and the fact that she’s being robbed of it by these douchebags rubs me the wrong way.

OK everyone, let’s wrap this up

It’s Christmas time! Just in time for everything to get wrapped up with a bow like a present from some kind of nondenominational yuletide holiday.

Edith is like, “Tom I will miss you a lot!” and Tom is like, “I will miss you… guys a lot also.” So that almost felt like flirting, but no. Mary, Edith, and Tom share a moment of silence for Sibyl, since they were “the three who would have grown old with her.” It’s a moving moment, and I maintain that killing off Sibyl was the smartest, most difficult thing Downton has ever done. I appreciate that the effects of that decision are still being felt seasons later.

At the big Christmas party Donk, drunk, is like, “Everybody get a drink! Even you, Molesley!” to which Cora responds, pointedly, “Some of us have already had a drink.” Lolz. Donk is wasted, it’s adorable.

On Donk’s orders, even Denker grabs a stiff drink. “What are you doing?” shrieks Spratt, emerging from the darkness as he always does. “God, you are a dreary little man,” Denker tells him. SO SAY WE ALL.

During a quiet moment, Carson pulls Hughes downstairs for a private chat. He reveals that he’s bought a house in both of their names, despite Hughes’ protests that she can’t afford it. She’s flummoxed: suppose Carson decides to move off somewhere else? “You don’t want to be stuck with me,” she argues, slightly embarrassed.

“But that’s the point,” Carson interrupts. “I do want to be stuck with you.”

AND THEN I SCREAMED. DID YOU SCREAM? I SCREAMED. BECAUSE IT WAS TOO CUTE FOR MY BODY TO CONTAIN THE CUTENESS, SO IT CAME OUT OF MY BODY AS A SCREAM AND NOW AS ALL-CAPS.

Carson officially proposes! Hughes seems to weigh her options for a moment before putting him out of his misery: “Of course I’ll marry you, you old booby. I thought you’d never ask.” Merry Christmas to us all!!!!!!!!!!! You old booby!

So I guess everybody gets to have a nice holiday except Anna, whose husband is still on the — oh wait, there he is! He has snuck back into Downton and now he’s sneaking up on Anna! It’s maybe a little weird of him but ultimately nice in that way that Christians tend to like, so hooray!

Well, team, good job. It’s been a pleasure recapping for you; maybe I’ll see you again next year for the final season! In the meantime: what did you think of the Christmas special? Was it your favorite one so far? Let me know on Twitter!

Before we go, a brief moment of silence for Isis, who is still the first thing you see in the Downton theme song. (Which is rude.)