One year later

Last year at this time we had just found out that difficult child relapsed after her 60 day inpatient treatment and 5 week intensive outpatient. She was getting picked up at work by her former boyfriend and smoking pot and drinking and coming home and lieing about goign to AA meetings and being sober. She started community college and almost immediately hooked up with some druggies and started not coming home after class until late at night. One day in early January she told me she was going over her firned's after school and I didn't hear from her for many hours later until about 3 am when she texted asking me to pick her up in a horrible blizzard because I had told her if she wasn't home by midnight not to come home and the mother of this boy she was with didn't want her there anymore. I was the only car on the road except for snowplows and police and it was trecherous. I cried all the way there and screamed at her all the way home. husband was out of town and I was despondant.

Several weeks later, after finding out she was not attending class and smoking pot constantly we kicked her out of the house. She went to a neighbor's house where they allowed her to smoke pot and drink 24/7 for three months until she texted me in March beggig to come home. We said no and she said she wanted to die, that she lost everythign that meant anything to her and wanted to stop. So she entered a sober house March 29, 2011.

That day began OUR recovery, for it truly is a family disease. Now nine months later she is sober, has a job, and is living independantly. While this has not come easily or without relapses, it has slowly evolved into a new life for her and for us.

Looking back on this last year with sadness for what we went through and joy for what is ahead. I am glad to say goodby to 2011 and hoping with everything inside me that 2012 continues to evolve into the best year of difficult child's life.

Nancy, I have followed your journey with all of the ups and downs. I feel like your difficult child is one of my own (and she could be my difficult child's twin). I hope and pray that she continues on this path of emotional growth and sobriety.

Thanks Kathy but like all the past ups and downs I now wonder about a couple things. She did not go to the football game with the person she said she was going to. I found out because he posted on fb and he wasn't at the game. And he also posted who was at last night's party and she wasn't on the list. Another lie. I talked to her this morning and she sounded sober and claimed she did not drink but I really don't know. Why would she lie about who she went to the game with or where she went last night?

While she is in a lot better place than she was last year at this time, there is still reason to be concerned.

You know me Kathy. Of course I called her on it. She said she did go to the house she said she was going to but left at 10 and went to this guys house she has been talking to that she met at AA meetings. I know nothing about him except that he took her shooting (??????) on her first date last week because he hunts. Obviously if he has been convicted of drugs he isn't allowed to have guns. And she said that the guy she was going to the game with couldn't go because his girlfriend wanted to hang out so she asked another guy she hangs with from AA. From this guy's fb he is a member of the national socialist party and has pictures of himself holding guns with a confederate flag in the background. I asked her if he was a nazi and she thought I was crazy. She doesn't even consider someones character. It makes no difference what kind of person they are as long as she is attracted to them. I'm sure she knows nothing about his background.

Anyway I don't know what to think. I know she went to the game because she sent us pictures. I think she is sober, I have no reason to think she isn't except for her lies. Haha I just realized that's a big reason to be suspect.

Oh Nancy.... I remember so well a year ago when my son was in rehab and your daughter was relapsingi and then your daughter getting sober and my son relapsing... and on and on. They were never quite in the same part of the same cycle. Now they are both sober for now although your daughter is farther along in her recovery than my son I think.

I don't know about your daughter but I know my son is still pretty cagey with us about a lot of things. He just can't be completely open with us. I don't know if that is because he really has stuff to hide or if it is just so ingrained as the pattern of our relationship. He lied to us for so long that I do think lying to us is just part of his pattern and habit. I think it is going to take quite some time to repair all the damage that has happened to our relationship including trust, or rather lack of it. Even if he is sober I still don't feel I can trust him.

And the relationship thing. Just because they get sober does not mean they have figured out relationships and their issues with them... and our difficult children both seem to have unhealthy drama filled relationships. And I suspect AA is full of other people who struggle with relationship issues... it is a place where they can find others to get into unhealthy realtionships with.

So I don't see her lying to you as a sign she is not sober... it is definitely worrisome and she could be drinking again but I don't think that is necessarily so at all. I would follow your gut instinct... and it sounds like this lying is more about the guy than substance use.

Thank you both for reminding me that this probably has more to do with guys than it does with substance abuse. I have to keep remembering that just because she is sober doesn't mean her issues with relationships are solved. And the other thing I have to remember is that guys come and go quickly with her so I shouldn't get too hung up on one in particular. I just wish she would put all her efforts into doing what she needs to do to stay sober instead of looking for new guys.

It's great that she is on her own and working on being sober and you are doing well-at least thats my sense from your posts. As you said it is a process of relapse and get back on the sadle. I have the lieing thing so bad with difficult child. Even if it has nothing to do with drugs-it makes a normal relationship so tough. There are just have trust issues all the way around. And why they lie about what they lie about? I always say, if her mouth is moving, we probably have a lie in there somewhere. It's almost a habit.

As for the boyfriend thing, until she is totally healed, she's going to attract some tough cookies. I always wish for my daughter to have a functional friend-a functional boyfriend would be great. But honestly, those boys find girls like themselves. And yes, at this age, attraction seems to be all they get!

My neighbors met at AA. They have been married 15 years, have been sober the entire time, have 2 cute girls (neither one is without a diagnosis, interesting??). They have other struggles, but they love each other and those girls. Maybe your daughter will find this kind of a relationship eventually- where they help each other and share values. I'm praying for it here.

Bits and pieces is all we can hope for I guess? Mine is working, coming home at night, but I'm pretty sure she is smoking pot still. Not every day, but when she can. How do I know? She has her old attitude back-"pot is better and safer than antidepressants, people who smoke pot are not druggies, it should be legal, etc." Sigh!

Nancy, I don't know that our difficult child's will ever gain our full trust. We will always wonder if they are telling the truth, or worry that they are relapsing. I don't know if that feeling or worry will ever go away. All we can do is hope that once they have the tools and the program to help them stay sober, that they will stay on track.

When difficult child was at our house over the holiday, I misplaced several things including my wedding ring. My immediate thought was that difficult child had taken them. Each thing turned up where I had left it but it is a horrible feeling that I am afraid will never go away.

It is actually a kick in the gut feeling until I find what I am looking for. That is one of the reasons that she cannot live with us anymore.

I hear you Kathy, I have misplaced things also and sadly I immediately think difficult child took them. When I find them I feel bad for thinking that. But then again there are things missings that I have never found.