Saturday, 19 February 2011

Are goblins slowly taking over all the jobs in public services?

From the lowly binman to the Prime Minister's personal assistant, the same question is being asked by every public sector employee.

"Is my job at risk from goblins?"

Sadly for you humans, and not so sadly for us. The answer is a resounding yes.

Since the arrival of the Cameron/Clegg government the public sector has been vulnerable to huge cuts in manpower. However the coalition has also pledged to not let these cuts affect services.

There is surely no way to provide the same services AND axe over 800,000 jobs?

Well there is one way, but it requires the help of the UGA (United Goblin Association) and a fair amount of government cover up.

Goblins will work for extremely little, eating nothing but sand and live goats, working 24 hours a day and do any work no matter how dirty or degrading.

As such in many cities and boroughs across the country there have already been pilot schemes where goblins have been doing such menial labour as street sweeping, rubbish collection and a variety of roles in the NHS.

However they have left tell tale signs that they are doing these jobs.

Many people, upon first hearing that Goblins were going to replace medical personnel in the NHS were so aghast that they vomited up whole lungs. However it isn't actually that ground breaking a change to the way the current NHS is run. Since its inception goblins have been posing as doctors and nurses in the NHS for reasons that nobody can really fathom, and since the turn of the millenium the number has rocketed. Cameron's plans would really only be legitimising something that is already going on in the National Health Service.

Of course not, other than being the minions of lucifer and eating raw sand goblins are much like you and me. Like you or I they experience happiness, sadness, lust and a special goblin emotion called "Tygruzt" which is a little bit like being sea sick. but with rage.

They will work hard and long and keep to their own communities in natural limestone caves but their culture is rich and ancient and soon enough there will undoubtedly be some form of cross culture festival to welcome them. You'll fear them no more than you fear any other ethnicity.

What do goblins eat?

Sand and live goats. I've already covered this.

So they won't try to eat me?

not unless you are made of sand like the bad guy out of Spiderman 3 or a live goat like that live goat in Jurassic Park.

Do goblins speak english?

Barely. Some speak a bit and these are usually the ones in charge. Most of them speak goblin.

Goblin sounds like hungarian being spoken backwards underwater and most of the syllables are unpronounceable by human tongues. Goblins have no written language.

Can we trust them? do they commit crime?

We can trust them as far as doing the jobs they are being paid to do. Other than that they are fairly amoral and will be likely to commit a variety of mischief in the local area they are employed. As such they will always be chaperoned by a detachment of goblin guards. (these are men who guard the goblins not goblins who are guards)

They will be armed with guns that shoot little bits of metal called bullets that will kill the goblins if they break any human rules.

Oh Jesus are they violent? Will I be safe to walk the streets at night?

Nah they're honestly pretty chilled out little guys, they are more naughty than dangerous. more likely to draw a goblin penis on your wall than massacre your family. You are unlikely to meet them at night because they'll have been shepherded into their caves post-shift.

I am allergic to goblins, what shall I do?

You aren't allergic to goblins. How could you possibly know if you were allergic to goblins.