Archive for July, 2010

Soooo… The Ninja Parade got a LOT of sideline feedback about the blog The Sideline Heaux Chronicles. So much, that we had to follow that joint up for clarity.

An overwhelming question that kept coming up about the women that I had spoken with who are, or have, slept with another woman’s husband is “why?”. Women want to know why another woman would do something so potentially hurtful and SHE (as a woman) knows how much she would be hurt if she found out? My simple response, “why don’t you ask her yourself?”

Just like a question of “why” was a theme in the feedback, the notion that all of the mistresses knew of, or knew personally the wife was also a theme. The odds that a man will sleep with a woman his wife actually knows are apparently pretty high. So perhaps women should take a better inventory of their friends. I get the impression from some of the women that gave feedback and were open that they had been cheated on, that they really didn’t think it would happen to them…even though they kind of “sensed” their friend was goin.

When I talked to the women who admitted to being the other woman, I wasn’t surprised one bit by any of them. [Note: those who know me, know I tend to be liberal with the “benefit of the doubt”] Maybe I’m just not one to put anything past anyone while still giving them the benefit of the doubt (if that’s even possible), or maybe these women gave off a “vibe” that led me to believe that they would sleep with a married man, or maybe their past track-records suggested that this wasn’t out of the scope of reason. Whatever it was, I didn’t judge, but I wasn’t surprised.

Alas, not all women that cheat with a married man are BFFs with the wife; quite the contrary. I did some digging and had some more mistresses “come out” to me because of the blog and compiled some more observations.

The Ninja Parade Sideline Heaux Character Profiles:

1.- The BFF. I guess nothing is more damaging than being cheated on. Nothing except actually knowing the person, or worse yet being that bitch’s friend. That’s got to be a major blow to the female ego. But, shyt happens. For the life of me, I don’t know how some of ya’ll didn’t see this shyt coming. I mean, that chick has been a heaux since you met her. Ya’ll might have become friends in college, pledged together, or met at work and were the only two black women there, or even been down since high school. No matter when you crossed paths you knew she has heaux tendencies and down to sleep with another woman’s man but never really thought it would happen to you. She was like a sister to you, ya’ll had been through so much. Guess she fooled yo ass. Funny thing is, most men know that the best friend is the best person to cheat on. Ladies, ask yourself how many times your homegirl’s man has tried to come on to you? Now ask yourself how many times you’ve told her? See. We know ya’ll don’t trust each other, so there will always be an environment for your best friend to be our sideline heaux.

2.- That B!tch at His Job. You know the one. The one that you probably already suspect he’s fcuking. Yup, her. He probably spends more quality time with her than you. She probably makes little dishes and brings him leftovers, goes out to lunch with him and laughs at his stupid ass jokes…and slick slides his piece in whenever she can. Yup, her. And it doesn’t really matter what type of work he does because that b1tch work there too. You don’t even really know this chick, you might have seen her when you went up to his job for something and mentally flagged her as a threat. You may have noticed a call after business hours that you let ride because “they work together”. The total number of women who have confessed to being mistresses has gone from 22 to 37 since I wrote The Sideline Heaux Chronicles. 10 of them work with the dude they were/are cheating with. Funny thing is, it’s almost easier for a married man to smash chicks at his job than one of us single guys. If a single guy hits one of his coworkers, she’s bound to tell another woman at the job, thus spreading it like wildfire. But she’s not so quick to spread that shyt if ol’boy is married, she doesn’t want to give off the homewrecker vibe and alert the other women in the office of her ways.

3.- His “Friend” that’s like a Sister. This is a touchy subject for me because I do actually have ONE female friend that is like a sister. Most men, if they’re being very honest…don’t really have female friends, despite what they tell women. Is it possible for a man and a woman to only be friends? Yes. Is it rarer than the government messing up and giving you 3X as much back on your income tax refund? Hell yeah. I have never, ever, ever in my life seen a woman from across a room, looked her up and down and said, “damn….I really want to be her close friend”. GTFOH!! That shyt doesn’t happen in my world or any world. The more likely scenario is he slick tries to get on and she either has a man or isn’t feeling him right then so he finds himself in the friend zone. Over years of listening to her expose her weaknesses through questions to get “a male point of view” he catches her at a moment of weakness. Once he starts hittin’ it…if he does it right. They can continue to be friends and have casual sex whenever. What you don’t realize is, he’s already figured out through her telling him her deep dark secrets that she’s a cold blooded heaux and struggles to stay on the right path. He’ll even go so far as to introduce you to her first, just so you ‘have nothing to worry about’. Damn homie.

4.- The Mystery Heaux. Ladies, some shyt, no matter how nosy you are, no matter how deep your connections in the community/sorority/streets/church/professional scene are…you just aren’t going to know. Some women are so low key, that you’d presumably never ever even meet them, let alone know about them. The ideal sideline is one that lives far enough away that a man can smash and come home without having to stay overnight, but close enough so that he won’t have to explain how he got a damn speeding ticket in Wyoming. But maybe he doesn’t have the resources to city-hop like that, so he has to get creative. At least 5 of the ladies I talked to said that they knew absolutely nothing about the man they were cheating with’s wife, except the fact that she existed. From a man’s perspective…that’s some risky shyt right there. And quite frankly, the reason a lot of niggas end up on Snapped. I don’t condone cheating, but I do buy into the idea that if you’re going to cheat…the other woman can’t be entirely in the dark. Dah welp. This one may be a wash ladies…nobody’s safe.

5.- The Babymama. C’mon, I know ya’ll didn’t think THIS doesn’t go down…because it absolutely does. Just because you won’t let yo babydaddy smash anymore doesn’t mean she won’t . Sometimes they do it out of spite, sometimes they do it because they’re lonely and frustrated with being a single parent, sometimes they do it because he’s the best she ever had…whatever reason she does it, she does it. 20 of the women that admitted to cheating with married men also admitted to sleeping with the father of their children while he was in a relationship. (That’s in addition to the married man). Oddly, many of them didn’t see that as cheating, or at the very least didn’t acknowledge the relationship between babydaddy and the new woman as being anything serious. I guess a lot of women get their start as being a mistress by practicing with their babydaddies, then work their way up to married men; who often can/will supply more resources than the babydaddy does…ironically.

I still don’t think I understand why a woman would volunteer to be the “other woman”, but I’ve always had a good handle of the “type” of woman did this. *shrugs* The saga continues.

Only “inner beauty” is really in the eye of the beholder (as it should be); everything else is less important and kind of subjective anyway. Outward beauty is largely based on the what the collective ideals of beauty are for a group, and how close one can get to that ideal. Sure, being confident with great self esteem can only help…but let’s face it, we live in a painfully judgmental society, and those judgments are often rooted in appearance.

One of those groups with ideals is “us”, black folks. It has been well written that we have often conflicting ideals of beauty, especially for women. Rooted in the transatlantic diaspora, colonization by Europeans, and even the bombardment of anglo images in pop-culture…everything from skin tone (being lightskinded, yes…skinded), hair texture (having “good” hair), and physical size (being “thick”) have always been at odds in our community. I’m here to discuss the latter….thickness.

See, no matter if you were lightskinded or darkskinded, “good” hair or “nappy” hair, being thick has always been embraced in the hood. Nice child-bearing hips, a full firm ass, a flat stomach, and supple breasts (all in the adequate ratio, regardless of weight or frame) were to be worn like a badge of honor. Hell, in some families, the women were all so thick that becoming thick is a rite of passage. Mamma got ass, grandmama got ass, aunties nem got ass…so it only made since that young woman joined such an elite sorority.

*long drawn out sigh* Alas, things have gone awry. It’s sad too ya’ll. Being thick was something that was so liberally applied that (like a whole bunch of shit in the hood) it started getting abused. I mean for decades, before my time…before your time…thick was something that was just understood. Now, every got damn body is thick. Not so. I’ve even heard some ol bullshyt called “skinny thick”…WTF? No, you either thick or you not.

Being thick had its advantages. It was like a social “buffer”, or equalizer, amongst women. Even if you wasn’t that cute…being thick was like a +1.5 to one’s overall score. Had a fcuked up attitude? As long as you were thick…somebody would put up with yo ol mean ass. Real talk, there wasn’t too much that a woman had going on that a big butt and a smile couldn’t fix.

A problem exists now. With so many women claiming thick without the proper credentials, they bastardize the whole process, and expect benefits that have traditionally only been reserved for the most elite thick women in our community. The game is all messed up ya’ll. Got skinny chicks out here with no hips, no ass, no nothin callin themselves thick because they have a nice shape. Nice shapes are cool…but that does not, I repeat DOES NOT = Thick. On the other end of the spectrum you got chicks shaped like the Michelin Man (seen here) tombout they thick too. *smh*

So I propose to supplant the current system. Too many people are abusing the system and reaping benefits they’re not entitled to. I propose that money replace thick AND a new class of “Financially Thick” women be ushered in. Before you go getting all up in arms…let me explain why this can work.

1.- No Expiration Date. As much as we all love us some thick heaux…let’s face it, they don’t come with a warranty. There’s a pretty good chance that over time that thickness is going to become miss-shapen and all over the place. That doesn’t mean she has no more value as a women or human being, but be honest nigga…the thickness is what attracted you and kept you through the tough times. Once that’s gone, now what? At least money accumulates interest.

2.- It’s Quantifiable. I’m in full support of women getting extra benefits based off physical appearance…it’s fun, and that’s how things have always been. But the total number of women who call themselves thick, versus the ones who are actually thick is out of hand. If we used wealth as a measure for special treatment, then nothing more than a bank statement would be needed to determine a woman’s “thickness”. It takes the subjectivity out of the game.

(…and because I don’t want to come off as a complete gold-digger)

3.- Government Assistance. Since not every woman is going to have access to large sums of cash, certain fringe benefits can substitute as cash value. Food Stamp EBT cards, low section 8 rents, or even the good old fashioned college financial aid refund check can all work too. Since we have a black president, I feel it’s our right as Americans to use government benefit to contribute to the thickness of the next generation.

4.- Ease of Usage. There are a lot of single sistas with money out here. Being single doesn’t inherently equal being lonely…but there are a significant number of single, lonely, sistas out here. That equals OPPORTUNITY. A lot of these money’d up single sistas ain’t cute, they personalities aren’t all that pleasant, blah blah blah…but if they was thick you’d still try to get on. Welp, here’s your chance, they got money. For the same reason you would try her if she worked at McDonald’s with a phat ass…now try her as an engineer or ad executive.

5.- The Ultimate Come-UP. Not every woman with money is somehow lacking. In fact, if you can find a woman who is physically “thick”, financially “thick”, and at least as cute as one of the last 3 chicks you’ve dated….JACKPOT!

The moment we start embracing the Financially Thick women in our society, the moment women can liberate themselves from insecurities about their appearance and take ownership of their bank accounts.

Every black person has a horror story about customer service. Me and some of my smarty art friends (shout out to the TFT) were debating the origins of truly bad customer service. Fam, opened up with a story about how him and his girl were at a restaurant and sat down for at least what seemed like a decade before somebody came through and asked if they would like some water. No menus…no thing. He was, naturally, wondering if it was because he was black?

We kind of concluded that even though infrastructural racism exists on every level of society, that there are certain instances where people (and by people I mean the ubiquitous “whyte man” so commonly spoken of by blacks) just give bad service and the color of one’s skin doesn’t make it any worse or better.

That being said, what about instances when the service is soooooooo bad and it’s coming from one of your own? One of the contributors to an e-thread I host said that black people expect bad service from other black people and black establishments. It’s almost like we lower the bar whenever we deal with one another because we’ve been burned by one another so much. (But we often give people of other races the “red carpet” treatment…but that’s another blog for another day).

Giving each other shady service leads to a) us not supporting each other, and b) us complaining because we don’t support each other.

Here are the most flagrant violators:

Dis-Honorable Mention: The “Ghetto” Hospital (ya’ll know which one I’m tombout). Every area with a significant black population has a ghetto hospital. It’s usually state run, poorly funded, and has an even funnier smell than regular hospitals. The wait in the emergency room is so super off the chain…which wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t actively overhearing the nurses talking about throwing a tattoo party at their crib this weekend and bringing in an exceptionally well endowed male stripper. Then these niggas act like they’re doing you a damn favor to place you in a little room, strip you down to a gown, and let you wait ANOTHER hour and a half…just for the doctor to come blowin his hot breaf (yes, breaf) in your face and prescribing generic acetaminophen (aka Tylenol). GTFOH.

5.- Church. You know what…this really hurts my heart, but I gotta tell the truth anyhow. Granted, I understand that church members aren’t exactly “customers” but there is definitely a user experience that leaves a lot to be desired and often ends up pissing a whole lot of folk off. Everything from mean-mugging ex-gang member lookin ass deacons, to nose in the air “my husband works at the post office and we ballin'” face ass church ladies can be found in the hood church. The leadership can leave a bad taste in a person’s mouth to say the least. Unreturned phone calls, sex scandals, money scandals, zero administrative transparency, missed appointments, and a complete lack of empathy during crisis (coupled with often outdated ministry and sus theology) is like being kicked while you’re down. Shout out to those who labor for the Lord and serve…but as for the rest…kick rocks.

4.- Sprint & Comcast (a tie). Real talk…for the life of me, I don’t even know why niggas still fcuk with Sprint. And I guess I can understand if a person lives in an area where there aren’t any other cable options why Comcast is still around (Lawd help us if we miss the BET Awards or The NBA Playoffs). But damn! I mean neither one of these massive companies give any more than about 1/8 of a fcuk about customer service. Calling into Sprint is like making a toll free call to hell. You get passed around more times than a blunt at a Gucci Mane concert, then have to threaten them hoes with complete cancellation and physical violence before they realize that you signed up for the damn unlimited text package. Comcast ain’t no better. What kills me about these niggas is…they act like they ain’t got cable, or have never had cable and wouldn’t be a weeeee bit mad if somebody cut that shyt off right before you found out the paternity results if o’girl who is bringing the 34th man to be tested (who’s also 15,000% sure he’s the father). That shyt ain’t cool, and neither is the way Comcast slick act like I’m speaking Swahili or that I’m intentionally trying to sabotage my own cable when they attempt to “troubleshoot” over the phone. Ta’ hell with both of em.

3.- Historically Black Colleges & Universities. *long drawn out sigh as I stare up at the heavens* Something’s got to give. This one hurts too. As a proud alum of a fine Historically Black University…it pains me to see how some of the most impressionable young adults in our society get treated at black colleges. And the niggas in the various admin offices KNOW better. If you’ve never been completely “purged” out of a university system (purged = no classes, no financial aid, no nothing) for virtually NO REASON, you don’t feel me. And since most black colleges are located in the deep south, having an exceptionally thick and country employee yell (even though I’m 3 feet away) “what’s yo soh-shuh?” [Note: “soh-shuh” = dirty south slang for “social” as in social security number] is nothing new. Neither is having cafeteria workers look at you like you stole something, and work study secretaries think that by letting you see someone is a befront to their weak ass authority. B!tch I need my financial aid…don’t make me reach on yo ol punk ass. *Sofia from the Color Purple voice* “…you told Harpo to beeeat me!?!” That’s how many students/alums feel/felt about service at their beloved Black College…they love it, lawd knows they do…but them niggas make you wanna kill ’em dead.

2.- The Barbershop. The barbershop employs arguably the most stereotypical niggas in captivity. I mean, just about ALL of the hood shyt we poke fun at on this blog can be found in, or around, a hood barbershop in any 48 hour period. Crazy thing is, niggas KNOW you not gonna go without…so they feel like they can get a pass on horrible service. I have literally had a nigga stop cutting my hair, in mid fade, to go get some head in the bathroom from a dip. Bricks…I mean BRICKS of weed getting sold right in front of everybody. Niggas keep they pistols right next to they T-edjers. Then got the audacity to have a “no profanity” sign up while a we go on a 45 minute tirade about who got the phattest ass…Delicious or Buffie the Body? And don’t forget about the flagrant sexual harassment of the poor babysmamas that just want to get lil Man-Man’s hair cut. Niggas out here making ridiculous sexual advances while he edge her shorty up…tombout how he can come “cut shorty hair at her place”. And the sad thing is…everybody co-signs on it and laughs. Other flagrant violations: smelling like a mixture of kush and fried chicken AT WORK, hour long personal phone calls that turn a 20 minute taper-fade into a marathon, letting his boys cut you in line, not making an appointment due to court or being in the county lock-up, or better yet…asking you to run to the store for him and taking the money out of what you would pay for your cut. *smh* niggas.

1.- Harold’s Chicken (or any locally owned hood restaurant, usually a chicken/soul-food/ ribs joint). Harold’s Chicken is a legendary Chicago area establishment known just as much for botched orders and hard-on-the-outside-raw-on-the-inside steroid chicken breasts as it is for it’s addictive sweet 87th street sauce, and it is symbolic of every hood restaurant. Really? How many times are you going to fcuk up the same order? Then you gonna laugh it off like giving me 5 wings is okay and I ordered the 6 wing combo? Top to bottom hood restaurants can be flat our wrong. No paper towels or toilet tissue in the bathroom. Them niggas never take debit or credit, but quick to point you to that ATM that charges an $87 surcharge. Off-brand pops (soda), shyt you ain’t never even heard of, flavors like “red” and “orange” (but for some reason “peach” is always good as hell *shrug*). Completely unorganized. Niggas are literally yelling at each other. You get warmly greeted with “whatchu want” and zero eye contact. No one has on a hairnet and it takes the cashier 15 minutes to ring up your order because the rhinestones on her nails just got glued on. And don’t let them be a “chain” or “franchise”…how and the hell you have a chain of restaurants and EVERYBODY knows that one restaurant is waaaaaaaaaaaay better than the rest?? And what exactly is the point of calling ahead again?

Funny thing about all this is…I love it. My expectations, unfortunately, aren’t high so all I can do is sit back and enjoy the 5 wings I get with my 6 wing combo.

Basic B!tch = 1) bum-ass woman who think she the shit but really ain’t [popularized by lil duval and spokenreasons]; 2) one who has no personality; dull and irrelevant, just an extra regular female; 3) A female who think she ain’t gotta give up ass to keep a man; 4) A basic bitch goes to the library to check her facebook; 5) A basic bitch has 2 kids and both of them are JR’s[Source: Urban Dictionary]

I love women. All shapes, sizes, colors, creeds, and attitudes of women. From the jazzy single-mom working hard during the week to the Ph.d student with her nose buried in dissertation research…I love them all! Except….the basic b!tch.

The Basic B!tch transcends all socio-economic classes. There are broke, ignant basic b!tches…and filthy rich, educated ones. I’ve dated more than my fair share of basic b!tches so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the topic. Since I personally believe that these women KNOW their status and choose not to tell anyone here’s a quick home tests to see if she’s a Basic B1tch:

The Malcolm X Test: If her oldest child is “…half her age, plus seven”, she’s a basic b!tch.

The Federal Student Loan Test: If the total net worth of her shoe collection is GREATER THAN or EQUAL TO the amount she owes in Student Loans…you workin with a basic b!tch.

The May 31st Finals Exam: If she’s tricked off all her income tax refund by May 31st…yup, basic.

The Name That Tune Test: If she arches her back, puts one hand in the air and yells “HEEEEEYYYYY!!” when her favorite song comes on (even if it is just her cell phone ringtone)…she prolly a basic b!tch.

The Basketball “Wife”: If she claims to have only “hung out with” or “talked to” ANY rapper, singer, or pro athlete but “nothing happened”. She basic…as hell. (one, for lying…two, for thinking you’re stupid enough to believe he didn’t smash)

The Whodini Test: “Friends. How many of us have them?” If she ain’t got NO friends. None. Not even a white girl at her job. Yeah, she basic. Wit her “I don’t roll with females like that” lookin ass.

The Smell Test: If she keep a half-empty bottle of NuVo on her dresser like it’s a bottle of perfume. Basic.

The Sideline Heaux Test: If she either a) cheats with her homegirl’s man, or b) doesn’t tell her homegirl when her man tries to smash…*Gucci voice* she might be basic, but she definitely goin’.

The Mike Jones Test: If she try to make you wait for a long time to sleep with her (for whatever reason, but probably because she thinks you’re potential) but you KNOW that several of your homies, all the Nupes from your college, the offensive line in high school, at least one convicted felon, and her boss all smashed within 72 hours of meeting her…she REAL basic. “…now i’m hot they all on me”.

The Maury Test: If she has ever talked bad about her babydaddy and she not even 11500037565% sure that nigga the father…oh hell yeah, she super basic as the fcuk.

The Itty Bitty Piggy Test: If she has ever, on any social network, used the word “Barbie” or “Harajuku” to describe herself. *shakes my head* basic b!tch. Roger That.

Feel free to leave your continuations to the Basic B!tch Series…I’m thinking about making this a monthly column.

For the past couple weeks, well, basically since the BET Awards…I’ve become curious about infidelity. After reading some venomous tweet commentary, primarily from women, regarding the relationship of Alicia Keys and producer/”rapper” Swizz Beatz…especially when she hugged Swizz’s son (which everyone presumed was by his wife Mashonda, but I’m pretty sure was by another woman…but niggas didn’t have time to fact-check) before she went on stage. It prompted me to make some observations, talk to some people that I KNOW have or are currently involved in cheating, and form some questions/answers (in my own “ninja” way, of course).

I didn’t want to come off super-judgmental, because I’ve done my own share of scandalous dirt. That said, cheating, in general is frowned upon in our society. So I took a look at the scene as a whole and the key players. I still didn’t really come to too many conclusions though…

But, here’s what I found:

1.- The Numbers. When I first got curious about all this, I guesstimated that about 25% of single women have had some sort of intimate encounter, knowingly or unknowingly, with a married man. I thought that was a pretty conservative guess. After a legit search for some solid, quantifiable research that would give me a real percentage of how many single women have done it…I came up empty. There were a lot of suggestions made in research, but no solid number. So I did what any self-respecting ninja would do…I very unscientifically polled my friends, and read an interesting blog or two. When asked what percentage of single women have had an affair with a married man, the average answer was about 50%. Half? DAMN! Granted, that wasn’t a confession of if THEY had ever cheated, but how many they think have cheated; and we can only presume that those guesses are rooted in the real life dramas of single women they know that are sleeping with married men. I can’t even front, about half of the chicks I asked about this (a total of about 45) said that they had slept with a married man…or at the very least given/received head. I thought the total number would be a much small percent (25% was my guess)…but who knows? Either way, it seems like waaaaay more single women than I thought have, or are, sleeping with married men.

2.- The “Homewrecker” Hypocrisy. One chick told me, “…there’s nothing worse than a bitch that’ll sleep with yo man”. The other woman is an especially hated position amongst sistas. Not one that I talked to had anything kind to say about a homewrecker, even though almost half of them had actually admitted to being one at some point in their life. [Note: ol girl who I quoted…yup, she’s boinked somebody’s husband before too]. How can so many women admit to having an affair with a married man, yet have so little compassion for the other woman? There is NO MERCY for a homewrecker. Doesn’t the “virtuous” woman understand, even a little bit, how THAT other woman is thinking or what she feels (if for no other reason, because she was/is her)? Nope. Them bitches ain’t shyt…let them tell it. Some sources note that about one third of all married men with cheat, and I know good and got damn well they aren’t all doing it with married women. So I’ll guess we’ll continue the cycle of women cheating with men in private….while publicly despising women who cheat on men. *shrug*

3.- What’s on this Bish mind? I have always wondered, even before I became fascinated with cheaters…what in the hell do these women really expect from these married men? I mean, logic suggests that it could only be sex because we all know “he ain’t leaving his wife for you”…even though, quiet is kept, we ALL probably know several married men who have left their wives for their mistress (…like Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz, and perhaps even some of your fathers). Is it really that likely that a man will leave his wife for a sideline heaux? Probably not, but only two of the 22 women that confessed to me that they’ve cheated with a married man said it was purely about the sex. Some said they got turned on and excited by being the object of his passion and it made them feel valuable, more valuable and attractive than his wife. Even more said they actually were in love with him, or at the very least had feelings for dude. All of them said they KNEW he was married, and most said they even knew (or at least have met) his wife. Damn. One sideline did note a twinge of guilt because “there already is an epidemic of failed marriages in the black community, and sistas who really want to be married who probably never will, so to be the other woman is kinda fucked up”. After hearing that, I asked if she was still messing with dude…she said, “yup”.

4.- Niggas. Just about every woman I talked to said the guy they were cheating with was always on some “relationship”/jealous boyfriend type shit. This baffles me. And apparently, baffled them. Even though all the women I talked to said they knew the guy was married when they met him…about half fell for the ol “we’re getting a divorce/we’re separated” line (which I didn’t even think still worked in 2010). Either way, in the whole public perception of cheating…married men get criticized far less than the mistress. Giving these niggas a social “pass”, to me, is just as baffling as dude getting jealous over the activity of a single woman he’s cheating with when he actually has a wife (and probably kids) at home.

5.- Wifey. Men lie…women lie, but I ask myself how some wives: a) don’t know their husband is cheating b) didn’t know he was going to cheat within 30 days of dating him before they were married. I know a lot of guys that cheat on their wives, and even more who would never cheat. Of the one’s who I KNOW that cheat, I knew they would cheat before they got married and i’m just his homeboy; wife presumably is more than a friend (which is all I am) and should have some added insight on the man she’s about to vow, before God and country, to be with forever. Then, there’s the whole thing with sistas being nosier than the fcuk. I know it’s a sterotype of black women being gossipy and nosey, but there’s some truth to it. Which leads me to believe either a) cheating isn’t exactly the “deal breaker” that many women pump it up to be, and/or b) women will convince themselves to turn a blind eye to OBVIOUS signs (because let’s face it, niggas is mad sloppy out here) for the sake of not having to confront a hurtful truth. SMH…it’s mean in these streets. I find it hard to believe such natural and legendary “detectives” turn over their badges when they get that ring…or do they? I mean the divorce rate is astronomically high. Plus, most of the admitted sidelines said that they presumed the wife “HAD TO KNOW” about them, even if they didn’t know who they were specifically.

Ironically, all but 3 of the sidelines said they want to be married and have a family and would probably leave a man if he cheated. Some cited “Karma” (or it’s bastardized “understanding” to be that what goes around comes around, even though that is NOT what Karma is) as a reason that they either stopped banging married men, or would consider stopping with the guy they’re currently banging. Most of them have healthy dating lives, and have even been in relationships during the duration of their affairs with the married men and often still cheated on their boyfriend (but not always).

I guess at the end of the day, I’ll never really understand why men cheat…why single women cheat with them… or why their wives don’t know about it (or don’t do anything if they do). Then again, there’s a lot that I’ll probably understand.

I’m all about my people doing/trying/experiencing new things, but can we please not take shortcuts to “class”. I won’t bore you with a concise history of wine or the finer points of wine etiquette. Nope. That’s not what I’m here for today, I’m here to point out a larger trend in the community so that maybe…just maybe our actions can match our intentions.

Here’s what I’m tombout. I’ll be using the massive consumption and flagrant misappropriation Moscato wine, it has become one of the Ghettoest Things In America (if you missed my previous blog) to point out the trend. We’ll identify the key players in the fuckery and how they operate.

How did we get this far? No, seriously. How did we get THIS far? How did we manage to make the consumption of dessert wine hood? Here’s why we should rethink our whole approach to wine.

1- Consider the Source. Rappers. Yes, rappers. Don’t lie. And not just any rapper…Drake! Dude is a dope MC, but you taking wine advice from him too?? Keep in mind, this is the same cat that asked “who the fuck are ya’ll” after a year…when really, we didn’t know who the fuck he was a year ago. So, more to my point, is *Drake voice* “who the fuck are yoooou?”, and why/how are you qualified to offer me wine advice? I get it though. Drake didn’t necessarily intend to start a ground-swell of Moscato consumption…but somewhere between being the best you ever had and being more than just an option…it “just happened”. I see, kinda like your first and second children…they “just happened”. No they didn’t! Quit listening to these damn rappers.

2- Hood Niggas. It’s common in American society that people are constantly attempting to advance in class, better themselves, and become more well-rounded. That being said, hood niggas do the least amount of research in their assent to the top. Part of growth, in anything, is change. Naaaaaw, but not to the hood niggas (and by hood niggas, I mean females primarily in the case of Moscato wine) they attempt to be grown in taste/class yet maintain the same form/habits as before you tried it. Quit being so damned impressionable, or at least, if you’re gonna try something, Google that shit first. If I see one mo nigga drinking Moscato out of a kool-aid glass, with some Harold’s Chicken, or worse yet…directly out the bottle (yes, I have seen that)…I’mma scream. And please note, being in the club (especially) with liquid leggings on, booty shorts, extra short/tight skirts, titties hanging allllll the way out, tats on your neck/feet/lower back, piercings on your face, 27 piece weaves, and/or lacefronts DOES NOT…I repeat DOES NOT get “forgiven” because you have a damn glass of Moscato in yo hand. Nope. You just effectively made the Moscato yet another hood accessory. NuVo anyone?

3- Smarty Art Niggas. I KNOW you niggas weren’t sitting here snickering at this blog and thinking YOU were gonna get a pass?? Nah son. Your good grammar and button-up won’t get you outta this one. See, you niggas know better. First of all, you was hip on Drake before the hood…admit it (strike one). Second, you niggas AT LEAST know the Basics of Wine …and you let yo cousins and nem get sent all the way off getting tipsy off that bulllshyt; or worse yet…you get invited over to they crib and only bring Moscato because you figure “that’s all them niggas gonna drank anyway” (strike two). You ain’t shit. Be a beacon of light my nigga…didn’t they teach you that in college? Lastly, the “educated black man”. *sigh* We all know that there is a large portion of educated brothas that like hood chicks…admit it. *author raises hand* There’s nothing wrong with this, but again, try to be a beacon of light my nigga. ALL women love a man that can show them new things…be that dude. But nope, she done found a sitter and has decided to cook for you…ta hell with an appropriate wine paring with the dish, you bring Moscato. SMH

But wait….Moscato wine isn’t the first thing to be “Moscato-ized” in the hood. Oh no. And ironically, it’s the same key perpetrators (rappers/entertainers, hood niggas, smarty art niggas) who make it happen. Here are some of your previously “Moscato-ized” favorites.

Facebook: You used to need a verifiable university email account to establish a Facebook account…ohhhh how the mighty have fallen. Now it’s just babydaddy diss tracks, lewd pictures, and bible verses (only on Sunday of course)

Social Commentary: This one’s a little bit tricky, because there have always been outlets for social commentary; namely art, music/poetry and literature. But the internet has opened the flood-gates for any damn body to vent. The most popular trend is the spreading of the “Conspiracy Theory“. I mean, if I hear one mo nigga is illuminati…imma, nevermind…they probably watching. [Note: I know you’re probably thinking, “well El Jugo is a part of this whole social commentary Moscato-ization”? Yep. But I never said I wasn’t ghetto. *shrug*]

High Fashion: Now you niggas know you’re wrong for the flagrant abuse of Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and Burberry, etc. Not only do I blame rappers for dangling these fruits in front of your faces, thus enticing you to want to do it. I also blame the traditional “high fashion” hoods of : New York, Detroit, and Atlanta for being trendsetters in the bastardizing of designer clothes. SMH

All White Parties: Maaaaaaaan, damn. All White Parties started out as elegant fundraising events for the social elite. They were held at posh locations in The Hamptons, South Beach Miami, The Playboy Mansion, etc, and hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars were raised for charity…now promoters will slick try to throw a white party at Hooters to pay his car not. GTFOH. This is become synonymous with ghetto.

I could go on for days, but you get the point….

~El Jugo

PS: Trying new things is good, but if you’re not sure….Google that shit.

I said:
STFU. I think this is pretty self explanatory. There’s no science to shutting up. He’s not listening to you because if he had to listen to you every time you opened your mouth, he could NEVER DO ANYTHING ELSE. STFU.

And my readers said:

Particularly disgusting is the advice a woman sucking one’s way to a wedding ring. This will not guarantee a thing except maybe some STDs in a highly visible area.
Keeping silent as a war tactic to deceive a guy will only lead him to not knowing who you really are, and it also demeans him to the role of an enemy… not the kind to avoid, but the kind to lay a trap for and feed off of like a parasite. Way to go… Our nonstop war mentality has invaded our hearts and our bedrooms, and with the advice in this post, I see no peace. – K.I.T.

her married man is probably creeping with one of the single women because he enjoys her conversation…. LOL!!!!!
– H.R.

Otherwise, it sounds like another bird-ass married bitch (and I do mean bitch) giving advice about somewhere people are different. Fuck her. AND
I’m tired of simple bitches like this author – J.W., the only male who had something negative to “contribute”

Does she even love her husband? – anonymous

I know plenty of women who follow these rules and get beat, cheated on, etc. So I’d like to respectfully FOH with this shit… I am one of those women that don’t STFU and decided to have a career… I’m not one of those women willing to settle for some guy for the sake of having a ring on it. Much less some guy that thinks my place is to have his dick in my mouth and STFU. I’m good on that. I’m looking for a partner not a master… – D.R.

I will not bother to address the head issue. Fact: If you do not give head, you are obsolete. Period. I don’t think there’s much to debate. If you think giving head is “disgusting” then you probably don’t have a very enjoyable sex life, married or not. And if you think that’s gross, you wanna hear something that’s REALLY gross? There is NO PART of my husband’s body I will NOT put in my mouth. Isn’t that disgusting? Ha ha!

Nor will I address concerns about the state of my marriage or being called a bird or a bitch because I understand that people feel comfortable under the relative guise of anonymity the internet provides to say the kind of shit that would, in real life, get you slapped. And that’s okay. I don’t do it, but I understand why others would. Moving on…

I would like to address STFU.

I abbreviated many of the comments to show you the most childish parts, but the gist of them go something like this:

WHO are YOU to tell ME that I need to STFU? I have earned (insert what they consider to be impressive credentials) and you are promoting (insert some misguided historical and/or misogynistic perspective here) and not only that but lemme tell you WHY I don’t get what you are really trying to tell me, BITCH.

First lemme say, ya mama’s a bitch…Yeah I said it.

Second, let me help you out. Faux feminists kill me. You took one class in women’s studies in undergrad and now you can’t stand the idea that a man may think he’s better at you at something – ANYTHING. I hate to break it to you but guess what? Many of them ARE better than you at many things, and if that means hiring a male fireman who can carry my fat ass out of a burning building instead of a female who CAN’T (cause, as previously stated, I’m fat) then dammit, ladies, get in the unemployment line cause I’m not getting any thinner. But that point is neither here nor there because its.not.even.relevant. You brought up historical perspective on shit that doesn’t even need a historical perspective. STFU is something that applies to ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE.

ALL of them.

Some of you have taken to heart the fact that I was speaking to women in regard to men. “way to bring back antiquated perspectives. Way to set us back 100 years, BITCH.” You’re gonna get sick of calling me a bitch. . . Yet NONE OF YOU seemed to think shutting the fuck up was a bad idea when it came to the men. When I told guys to shut up, women were like, hell.yeah. Even those who were like, “fuck her.” I’m talking to YOU, J.W.. . . So why is that, you demanders of equal rights for women? WHERE was your historical perspective then? There was none. WHY? Cause it didn’t apply. Why didn’t it apply? Because it wasn’t relevant. I directed my first note to the ladies because I honestly believe we are the superior sex. My delivery wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine because a.) I’m not Oprah – I keeps it real and b.) I know we can do better. We are NOT the nagging, chicken head heauxs they make us out to be. Our contributions are just as valuable as any man’s, but aren’t recognized because we spend so much time talking about absolutely.nothing.

It’s a universally applicable and clearly (per receipt of my comments above) very rarely applied concept. I chose the romantic relationship aspect to which to apply it because that was the particular topic I chose to discuss. If I were talking about raising your kids, dealing with a problem with your best friends, or how to deal with your in-laws (whoops! You’d have to be married to have those – nevermind), or how to land that promotion in the career for which you have chosen above fostering healthy relationships, the bullet STFU would STILL.BE.THERE…

So let me take a moment to explain WHY.

There are clearly, as demonstrated by the comments above, many people who have lead lives so unexamined and lacking in introspection that they cannot ever think of a time where they should have just STFU. There is not one debate, not one blog uncommented on, not ONE argument that could have been avoided if they had just chosen to NOT say anything at all. “STFU!? You mean there is a time where someone just gets sick of me expressing my thoughtless, biased, and often uneducated opinion?” YES. “What do you mean people get embarrassed when I come around or that people get physically ill at the sound of my voice?” YES!!! Those of you who think I am just making shit up, ASK your significant other. Ask him, ladies and my one male in opposition, if there was EVER a time where he wished you would just STFU. That one time you got put out of the restaurant for talking bad to your waitress? How about that time you called his sister a crackhead? No? Don’t think you shoulda shut up then?

You do. You can think of 100 times where you thought, I probably shouldn’t have said that. So WHY doesn’t that apply to the person who means the most to you? Why doesn’t that person make you want to please them? And why do you think pleasing that person means you have to stifle your very being or do something “disgusting” to them? IS your very being your ability to run your mouth incessantly? If shutting up means you now consider yourself to be “someone else,” or “being false” then you are clearly more about talking about it then being about it anyway, and my blog was for the doers, not the shit talkers. Don’t let your strong black womanhood get in the way of experiencing love as it should be, between two people who care enough about each other to compromise and make sacrifices. It’s not about you bowing down to anything. Its about knowing when battles are better fought with your mouth…or with your *mouth* (Ha! Get it?! It’s about shutting up AND giving head!) FYI, these questions are not meant to be answered in the comments section of this blog. You need to answer these questions for yourselves, blog haters.

So before you go making comments about shit you don’t know about, let me tell you a little about me: My parents were married for 37 years before my father dropped dead on a tennis court on 05. My mother still considers herself to be married. I have been married for 3 years now. We were together 2 years before we got married and before you go talking shit about our tenure together, lemme tell you that just because you’ve been together 10 years, doesn’t mean your relationship is awesome…and you STILL ain’t married. I am married to a short, really cute, brown skinned alpha man who often gets mistaken for a Dominican cause he has straight hair. I think he’s the bee’s knees, and if you’ve ever met him, you do, too.

I had a baby at 19. I then went on to complete 3 degrees (1b, 2 m). This will be the ONLY TIME you will ever hear me say that because I hate people who constantly berate me with their rags to riches stories and fancy degrees. Fuck you, I got 3 of ‘em WITH a baby. Boo-ya. As a result, I have a really sweet job where I get a lot of money, to do work that is not super hard, and I can wear whatever I want to work. Private sector rocks!

And if the above isn’t reason enough to get like me, here’s the piece de resistance:

You know what I miss about single motherhood? NOTHING. There is nothing glamorous about deciding to reproduce with someone who doesn’t love you or respect you enough to marry you or take care of his kids. Been there. Done that. Over it.

Four Words:
Get Like Me, Bitches. (Ha! WHO’S the bitch now?!)Klkenned

And yes, you can follow me on twitter…that is, if I accept your follow request. *block game proper*