Got Boundaries?

Well do you? Do the people with whom you interact know exactly how far they can go with you? Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically? Do you know how far you want to go with others?

I recently listened to an Iyanla Vanzant episode centered on relationships. You can find it here. In it, she suggests that we not only establish boundaries in our relationships, but that we also make those boundaries known to individuals. Another useful step is to ensure those people know what the consequence will be if they should violate your stated boundary.

I can see how this will work with children because, well, adult-child relationships definitely require boundaries. For example, my 15-year-old, Desi and I were texting one day. In it, she replied, LMAO. To which I responded, you don’t get to laugh your ass off with me ma’am. She hasn’t done it again. She tested a boundary. It failed. She learned how far she could go.

But what happens when there are two adults and something more serious? Remember Buddy? According to Iyanla’s lesson, I should have stated something like this ahead of time: Buddy, I will not tolerate drunken, violent behavior. If you become drunk and violent, then you will have to leave our home.

While I have no problem having a boundary conversation with most adults, I do wonder if I can establish boundaries and allow the person to be him or herself, simultaneously.

Stay with me here. You know I value allowing people to be whoever they are; however, if I establish a boundary, then aren’t I asking the person to not be themselves while they’re in my company? So, is it better to ask Buddy to be mindful of his drinking limit, or just not invite Buddy to the next family function? For most of my life, I’ve just done the latter. That way Buddy can be himself…at…his…home.

I suppose my question is, can you establish boundaries and allow the person to be him or herself at the same time, or are these two different philosophical ways of living life? Can the two work together?

I know this post is more questions than answers, but that’s how (my) life is most times. Let me know what you think. Which do you prefer? Are you a boundary-setter? Tell us all how you do it.

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84 thoughts on “Got Boundaries?”

I just realized this message was in my inbox AND I did not read it. I see I have one unread message and scrolling, scrolling, scrolling down, there it is!!! Huh?! How did I miss it?! SOO sorry for the delayed response. I digress.
I love the response you gave your daughter! I believe that’s how you set boundaries. People will only treat you and speak to you by how you let them. That’s my philosophy. I think it should be this way with family, friends, foe as well as strangers. One day, I pulled up to Valet parking while out. The young man said “What’s your first name?” I answered with my title and last name! We are not friends, no sir. He stood there a moment, then addressed me appropriately. Now, I understand it makes people feel more comfortable, but I grew up acknowledging my elders as my elders. Ma’am or Sir. So, now that I am of age (Wink! Wink!), you, whomever you are, will show me the same honor and respect. I make it clear from the beginning and again and again again if necessary. For example, children without manners. Chaps my hide! Lol Gimme, more, I want… “Please?”, I respond back to children. And wait. They may not know manners, but they have what I call “Nice words.” 😉 That’s what I call ’em, even to two year olds. So, YESSS. I believe in boundaries.

Check this out. You are idly walking around in a Mall. Question: Who’s in charge? Answer: No you. Not me either.
Why not? Cuz we’re just average public-people in a public place with many other folks. (stay with me, there’s a point to this).

Who is in charge at your best friends house?
Answer: they are. Why? Because it’s their house. So far, so good.

Who is in charge at your house?
Answer: It should be you! because it’s your house. But lets go a bit further. Who is in charge on your property or in your yard? You, again. Its your property. Also, suppose a friend drives you home from work while your car is in the shop. Who is in charge in that car? Answer: Your friend, because its his/her car.

Therefore I say, YOU should be “in charge”:
1. IN your house
2. ON your property and
3. IN your car
If anyone else is “on your turf” in those three places, then they do things *your* way, not theirs, or they can go home. Is that unreasonable? I say, No! For two reasons:
A) Who is in charge at *their* house? Likewise, you have the same right. And–
B) in all of Life, anywhere you go, if you can’t at least be in charge:
On your property
In your house]
In your own car…..then where on earth can you be?

So now, what about these situations. You are driving your car. And listening to one of your favorite music cd’s while driving. Your brother or sister is riding as a passenger with you and he/she says your music stinks and to shut it off and listen to it on your own time!
Now we’re getting somewhere. If you leave it on, because *you* are in charge in your own car and why should you enjoy yourself any LESS just because he/she is here?—OR—do you cave-in out of “love for family” or “to keep the peace”? If you shut it off, have you ever considered that this may be his/her way of “establishing dominance” or “running the show” on YOUR turf or a way of manipulating you into “caring” or “being considerate”? But there’s more—

They come to your house. Your TV is on. Let’s say you are watching some religious show that you like. Or, some light-hearted comedy. what if they say the comedy showing is stupid and juvenile? What if the said “thats enough of the religious stuff. What else is on?
Do you change the channel? In your own house? Who’s in charge? If you keep it on (after all, you like it, and it *is* your own house) are you guilty of “power-tripping?”

Go even further—what if they said they would shut the music off if it was their car, and also, they would change the TV channel if it were in their house.
Question: so what if they did! SHOULD their personal-choices demand obligation of you to reciprocate? Isn’t THAT a guilt-trip?
But, “you’re being “selfish”. REALLY? In your own house? Thats rich!
What do you think? Do you disagree with me? You can. But if you do, please indicate how, and why. I think that’s reasonable.
#Boundaries #Guilt #Manipulation #Assertiveness #Family #Siblings

I don’t disagree with you at all. Even if you’re not in YOUR personal space, I believe that you’re in charge of you and what you will/will not tolerate. I wouldn’t cave in because if the person doesn’t like it, then they can throw on some headphones or catch a ride with someone else.

Here’s another example. When I visit my stepmother’s home, then I know I cannot have a drink there, so my stepsisters (cousins, whoever) leave and drink elsewhere. But, when she comes to my home, I drink what I want because it’s my home. The boundaries are clear. She cannot tell me what I can and cannot do in my own home, and if she were to be bothered, then she can stay elsewhere. I think the problem comes when people don’t want to stand firm in the request and offer other people choices with where to stay, who to drive with, etc.

I am a boundary Setter because I have to stand up for what I believe in and my rights and what I will not do or tolerate but at the same time I allow people to be them self if I don’t agree or if it makes me look bad I do not hang with them see ya wouldn’t Wanna Be ya

Thanks for all of the blog love today! I really appreciate it. As far as your comment, I do understand what you’re saying. I used to just kind of leave the person alone to go be themselves, and I think I’ll continue that path lol It’s best for the relationship.

I think they’re important for all relationships friends, family, co-workers, etc. If you don’t set boundaries you end up getting hurt in someway that maybe the other person didn’t intend to do.

I have a weird theory about boundaries so humor me for a second. I think we have to set up boundaries to keep our own personalities from being swallowed by other people.For example when you spend too much time with your best friend and everything’s fine at first but after a while ya’ll start arguing over stupid stuff. Like what song to play or pizza toppings, things that ya’ll didn’t really argue about before. And you just feel attacked because you don’t have the freedom to do your own thing for a while.

As far as being yourself 100% around other people it’s hard to answer because no one is completely themselves in front of other people… I don’t think boundaries should prevent you from being yourself around people you care about. I think it helps you adapt to being your most comfortable self around other people. Now what percentage you choose to show is up to you.

I do understand that example. In fact, that’s part of what happened with me and my own former best friend. I was too consumed with her personality.

That last paragraph has me thinking, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to write something about it. I think that’s the problem. Many of us were taught NOT to be ourselves 100% or to switch identities depending on the situation. I’m really beginning to think this is problematic and would probably be the resolution to many of our challenges.

Thanks so much for adding your thoughts on this one. It’s helped me to think a little more.

Boundaries DO restrict other people. And that’s OK. If they don’t, they are boundaries. Examples:
1. You won’t smoke in my house or my car.
2. You will take your shoes off and leave by them by the front door when you come over, because I dont want *anyone* tracking-in dog-poop or mud from outside on my new carpet. Hey! It’s my house. Who’s in charge at *your* house? It doesn’t matter that you wouldnt do that at your house. We aren’t at your house.
3. My living room stereo was already playing before you arrived. Not that loud, but I enjoy that music and we can still talk. But you dont like that music. Too bad. You wont tell me what to listen to or to even shut it off–in my own house!~–if you don’t like it, no one is forcing you to be here.

And answer this question: exactly WHY, should I enjoy myself any less, just because you are here?
And one more question: We likely wouldn’t “cave-in” to a new aquaintance who came over for the first time, so why do we cave in to family or give them more power? This is worth thinking about.
#Family #Boundaries #Manipulation

This must’ve really struck a nerve with you, huh? Lol Yes, these are good examples that aren’t so far fetched. I suppose what I’ve decided in terms of setting boundaries, etc. is that I don’t want to restrict people’s behavior. I want the person to be exactly who they are. Now, that might mean that you will have to be who you are over at your house, and I’ll be who I am at mine because maybe I don’t want to take my shoes off or listen to your music. But then again, perhaps I have to decide what I value more…softer music or your company. In the end, it’s still about choices.

To answer your question about caving into family, I think it’s been ingrained in us for so long that we are trained to tolerate “bad” behavior JUST because it’s family. Most of the stuff we discuss/complain about would be a non-issue with a friend/mate.

Great topic! I am comfortable setting boundaries because it is a form of self care. I set them with fam, friends, co-workers, neighbors — even my cat. Pretty flowy most of the time, but do not allow negative, destructive or diminishing energy into my space. If someone has bad “Ju” or bad behaviors what I hope my boundary says to them is “Nothing personal, but your vibe is wrecking my vibe, so I need you to go stand over there” Then they, like Buddy, are free to be themselves from a respectable distance.

In general, in a relationship, it seems one person is more the boundary setter than the other though, don’t you think? And the folks with the crappy boundaries want to push into healthy boundaries or take them the wrong way?
Self care is kinda magical, yes?

Thanks luv! I completely understand. I’m pretty much like you when it comes to recognizing the bad ju-ju/energy that people bring. I’ll tolerate it if I’m in their space, but make a mental note not to be fooled up with them in the future in my space or theirs. It’s unnecessary, really. And because self-care has the word “self” in it, I do think it’s up to the person to determine what that looks like.

I do think that there’s usually one person who has loose boundaries and because they are so willy-nilly, they tend to (unknowingly, sometimes) push their willy-nillines on to others.

Generally speaking, boundaries with addicts need to be clear, firm, and achievable. You are, I think, hoping for more from Buddy than he can deliver. You want him to remain sober and non-violent in your home (an entirely reasonable standard), and to monitor his own behavior in a setting where alcohol is being openly consumed. That seems far beyond his capacity. He knows it, even if you don’t. It’s the reason he rationalized bringing the beer the last time.

Chances are that Buddy’s feelings of isolation predated his alcohol/drug use, and contributed to it. The alcohol/drugs reduce his pain (admittedly at a terribly high cost). He more than likely views them as facilitating social interaction, not interfering with it.

Ejecting Buddy is undoubtedly painful to you, and other members of the family who see him intoxicated. Addicts cause great harm to their loved ones by their dysfunction. They can be both ashamed and resentful at loved ones for this. If you would like Buddy to attend family functions, set a strict time-limit for him and enforce it. And avoid serving alcohol.

Thanks for adding your thoughts about this Anna. I appreciate it. I do feel as if I should clarify though…I was just using Buddy as an extreme example of how the two concepts seem different to me. I agree that addicts require boundaries in order to preserve one’s own sanctity and comfort-level. The only thing I hope for Buddy is that he can feel comfortable being whoever he is, whether in my presence or alone.

lol – I appreciate the apology Anna! Written communication isn’t always clear, so no offense taken, really! I just wanted to be sure you didn’t think that I thought I could wave my fairy ‘get better wand’ over Buddy and magically increase his awareness 😉 Thanks for always commenting…I really do appreciate it every time!

I think boundaries are part of ourselves… I feel disrespected that when I allow people to cross them in a systematic way. One or two times, it is okay… but I guess when people know they might go against you and continue with their behaviour things need to stop. I am quite strict in that sense… Great, enlightening post! 😀

With Parkinson’s, my boundaries have changed. I have to think about all my physical actions from walking to thinking. So I really have to have personal boundaries. But people read them wrong… they either think I”m upset or I’ve been drinking. So I have to think about smiling Lol… now the upside to this is inquisitive people stop me right there and ask what is wrong with me? I have met some wonderful people that way. Total strangers and we’d sit for hours and solve the problems of the world. So I guess lowering my boundary isn’t a bad thing, one just has to be careful… jc

Good grief JC! This does seem like a lot to consider, and then on top of it, you’ve added smiling, which I suppose can be seen as positive in the end 🙂 Thanks for adding this perspective. We rarely think about physical boundaries, mainly because it tends to be something some of us take for granted (I think).

Wow, tough questions, but great food for thought. I wish I was better at setting boundaries. Usually someone has to really upset me before I set them. As to whether they are opposing forces, I think that by setting the boundaries you are not telling the person that they can’t be who they are around you, rather that there are aspects of who they are that you want no part of, whether it’s because the behavior is offensive or hurtful or whatever. For example, a few months ago I was with some family members who support our current president. I don’t support him. One of them commented, in response to what I perceive as his disrespect toward women, that women need to get over it and stop making a big deal about it if a man grabs at them. I was fuming and left the condo and went for a walk to avoid what would likely have turned into an ugly scene. We have since agreed to not discuss politics. He can be who he is and I can be me, but that topic is off limits. Does this make sense?

“There are aspects of who they are that you want no part of” has made me lol, even though I know you probably didn’t intend to make me laugh. I guess I’m laughing because rarely do we love everyone’s personality/quirks 100% With that said, your example makes perfect sense. However, fleshing this out through conversation with you and others has actually made me think, yes. We’re still asking that person to suspend who they are for a minute…in our presence…for the sanctity of peace in the relationship. So, with your family member, no matter how much he might want to comment on that Hillary ad when it comes on, he’s going to have to keep his mouth shut or think of something else to say. I suppose the way I feel now though, is there’s nothing wrong with it as long as you two agree that’s how you wanna interact.

The situation you describe – I see the boundary (not in my presence) as more of a condition. Buddy can be and do himself, but if he wants to spend time with you, he must meet a certain condition and that is to be sober and sane. You’re not asking him to change who he is, just his behavior during the time you two are together.

Either way, I think boundaries / conditions dictate behaviors in situations and don’t at all, mean you’re asking someone to change who they are. We all have to alter our behaviors to match our situations, environments. The types of behaviors we engage in, the amount of respect and consideration we give to others, for example, those are the things that I believe define us and don’t change regardless of the boundaries / conditions we set or are held to.

Short answer – establishing boundaries is not asking someone to be different than who they are, they just set up conditions that need to be met in order for you and that person to interact / get along. :-).

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I agree that relationships do require boundaries. That middle part you’ve mentioned is where I get hung up. The older I get, the more I believe that we should all be able to BE whoever we are, wherever we are. I’m really starting to shed the idea that my behavior should be different because I’m at work, at home, with my grandmother, with my daughter, etc. I think that concept has not served society well. I’m gonna stop there before I take myself down a different rabbit hole.

To answer your question, I think you can establish boundaries and still allow a person to be themselves. I am currently dealing with a work relationship in which I had to do damage control. After a year or more of oversharing and allowing this person to cross boundaries by dumping her emotional baggage I had enough. Setting boundaries after engaging in oversharing is hard, but I believe it can be done.

This is interesting to me and I don’t want to drag out the conversation, but I know a few people, who if they cannot discuss what they want to in a conversation, then they see that as a non-relationship and don’t see the sense in carrying on. I like how the other person just respected what you asked and you two have moved on.

Setting boundaries is important but I believe there is an extent it would go for certain people. Especially people one is emotionally maritally or romantically involved with.
As a school head, I have to have boundaries set, especially with the children.
Thought it would work with a lady I once dated. We tried setting boundaries to help us reduce irksome situations between us but it backfired on us. Mistrust and resentment gradually began to set in. I would agree with @Alexis Rose it’s up to us to chose the interaction.
And I keep wondering if setting boundaries for a person like Buddy wouldn’t just make things worse. He still gets to drink even if isn’t invited to gatherings and all that…..
Boundaries are vital but they can be volatile if you one does not set them up with deep consideration and an assessment of those who the boundaries will be affecting….

First of all, Happy Belated International Teachers Day (or something like that) 🙂

I understand everything you’re saying here. With a romantic relationship, you actually might be asking someone to go against his or her nature and how they live life. If that’s the case, then I would think the two people would call it quits because no one can maintain a facade forever. And yes, children I wholeheartedly believe have to have clear boundaries.

In terms of Buddy, I’m not sure. But I agree about his behavior. Whether he’s with me or alone, he’s going to be addicted (until that is dealt with). Anna W. made a good point about boundaries in this situation.

To me boundaries is about teaching people how to treat you. And giving them fair warning when they don’t get to behave or say certain Inge with you. They can be themselves elsewhere, like you’ve said, or they can be reflective in how you are with others. Maybe it would even teach you more about yourself so you could become more truly who you are.

I like how that’s phrased Reena, “teaching people how to treat you.” In that way, I think I’m adding this to the part that others have said about respecting your wishes and if the person actually cares, then it shouldn’t be a problem. If it is, however, then yes…thinking I’ll just let them be themselves somewhere else because I’m not trying to change what might be their inherent behavior, not really.

Any boundary we set infringes on somebody else’s right to be himself and behave however he wishes. I say save the boundaries for important, non-negotiable stuff not nitpicky crap. If you draw a line in the sand and attach consequences, tell the other person the deal. If they violate it, don’t go soft–do whatever you threatened to do. Boundaries are to protect yourself, your space, your rights, your sanity… but they’re useless if you don’t enforce them. 🙂

Joan, I believe I agree with this first sentence. I just (in the comment before yours) realized that the question is this: Is my behavior who I am? If the answer is yes, then what you say initially is right. Setting boundaries does equal infringing on someone’s right to be him/herself.

I definitely agree with the remainder. Once you’ve set a consequence, stick by it.

Hey Kathy. First of all – I laughed at the Desi anecdote. Not sure I’d mind – I think I’d be more annoyed with the text speak than the meaning, but they’re YOUR boundries. I don’t think establishing boundaries and letting others be themselves are mutually exclusive- you are simply telling them what isn’t acceptable in your relationship with them. Chances are the person won’t necessarily change their behaviour as a result, but if they respect and value their relationship with you, they’d modify their behaviour in your presence…life is like that- there are boundaries everywhere, whether explicitly stated or not. If the person you’ve defined the boundaries with feels it cramps their style too much, I guess then they need to reasses the relationship and its worth to them, as no doubt you’d be doing too if they continued to trample on those boundaries.

lol – yeah texting lingo = okay. Cussing in the text, not so much…right now anyway.

So, you’ve summed up quite nicely the conclusion (more or less) that I’ve come to. When people respect you and the relationship, then they might shift their behavior; otherwise, they’re probably like whatever, and then you have to make a decision, which Marie made a good point about…we usually aren’t willing to sacrifice the relationship because someone said whatever. But that’s a whole nother post for another day.

What I’ve been able to flesh out with your and other people’s comments is this: is my behavior me? Does my behavior equal who I am?

Yep. Boundaries are really the make and break of relationships. I had a friendship that was so lacking in boundaries it was like the ‘friend’ was breathing the air just before it got into my nostrils. I walked away after many years (we were living together and had been friends since childhood) but wish I had had the courage not only to have walked away sooner, but to speak up before it escalated to the point it did (chances are it wouldn’t have made a difference as she was/is a sociopath). She overstepped very basic boundaries of respect for another human that should not even have to be explicitly stated. One of the many lessons out of the experience for me was that people will only overstep a boundary if you allow them, and essentially when they do so, they are redefining the boundaries with your permission…that realisation shifted my thoughts from victim hood to taking responsibility for the dynamics…an empowering shift.

“breathing the air just before it got into my nostrils” is such a descriptive way to say this! You must be a writer girl 😉

I do think you make a good point. When people have severe challenges (e.g., sociopaths, addicts, etc) then some of these concepts don’t apply. There’s no reason to delve into discussion, but rather just do as you did and find the nearest door.

I also like that you say when you allow people to overstep, then you’re also giving them permission to re-define your own boundaries, kind of implicitly. I suppose like other things, it’s best to be clear about who you are and what you’ll accept, which I’m glad you learned for yourself.

Haha thanks Kathy. The pain is worthwhile if you can learn from it but then also use it as writing inspiration.

Yes, find the nearest door ASAP rather than spending years rehearsing a conversation that you try to work up to courage to have. I think in general, most people are receptive to a discussion on boundaries, even if they may be initially hurt or taken by surprise.

Boundaries. What an interesting concept? I wish I was better in this area of my life. I think it takes too much energy to try to make other people modify their behavior for my sake. It’s easier to not deal with them at all or in limited doses, if I must (i.e. in the case of a spouses friend or something or family). Thankfully, I don’t have too many people in my life that I need to set boundaries with. Now if I could just get my husband to behave like I want him too, life would be grand!

LaCharmine, this is partially the problem. So, even in my Buddy example, it’s not that we don’t drink. It’s not even that we don’t get drunk sometimes at parties. The issue was just HE gets belligerent, so the boundary would be just for him lol In that way, it is like making him modify their behavior for our circumstance.

I think it’s important to set boundaries. Someone that wants to stay in your life will understand and adjust. And I think it’s more about calling out crappy/unacceptable behavior than not allowing a person to be himself. If someone I value told me, Kelley, it hurts me when you __________, I will do everything in my power to cease. Sometimes it takes a talk to realize what you’re doing.
And, with all this, different friends get different versions of me; i.e. I don’t joke about God to the religious friend or complain about my extra pounds to a friend struggling with weight loss.

Thanks for adding this Kelley because I do think that if someone approaches it this way, and you both care about this relationship, then I can see shifting a bit. I’ll have to think about the last part a little bit. I think I agree, because I do the same thing, but now I’m wondering if I’m being myself at all times if I adjust my behavior depending on the company I keep? I know this is a totally different comment for a different time, but it has made me think a bit.

The answer to your last question is yes. You’re not imposing on Buddy’s behavior. You’re telling him what you won’t tolerate. The flip side would be if you went to Buddy’s house for a party. Your boundary would be that you would leave if his behavior became too much. You still know what you’re tolerating and you make the decision for you that’s best in that situation (leaving). Neither of those tell Buddy he can’t drink if he doesn’t want to.

I get this Akilah…really I do. I think what I’m having a hard time separating is where does it stop. So, with something that can become serious, like drinking, I get it. At the same time though, what if it’s talking loud, for example? What if my home is quiet and we don’t like it when people come in talking loud? I understand that I can ask people to do whatever I want, but if you’re a loud-talker, then I can’t get over seeing that I’m asking you to stop being yourself when you’re in my home/presence. Know what I mean?

Oh, I see. Well, in that case, I ask myself how important is it that the person speak in a soft voice. I mean, if s/he is only going to be there for a couple of hours (and I enjoy their company in general), it’s not creating a huge imposition to suck it up and just accept that they talk loudly. Now, if they’re going to move in, we might have to have a different conversation.

Hi Kathy! I was going to say that the concept of setting boundaries in relationships is kind of “new,” but then I remembered that when me and my siblings were children (back in the day!), my mother “requested” that adults who visited our home to refrain from using profanity around anyone who was not an adult. Now that I think about it, my mother set boundaries in lots of ways, but it wasn’t called that, back then.

I find “setting boundaries” most challenging when it comes to family relationships, because so much is already “baked-in” before you realize the dynamics need to change….and I say this from both sides: meaning – not only when I want to set boundaries, but when someone else set boundaries that I have to respect! The thing I have to try to remember is not to take someone else’s boundaries personally, because a lot of times it’s not meant that way.

I don’t think you are asking Buddy to not be himself – why should his bad behavior be allowed to take over otherwise civil, enjoyable gatherings in your home? ‘Bye Felecia!

Riiight! It was just called rules of the household, or nothing…like you said.

Leslie, you’ve said something that I’ve not heard, but makes a lot of sense when discussing this topic. The reason it’s so hard to establish (new) boundaries with family is because they’ve already had a set that they’ve taught you for YEARS! Great point! And thanks for acknowledging that yes, once folks grow up and have their own situations, new boundaries are established that you might have to respect.

Kathy, as I was reading this I realise I took the literal meaning of the word twenty years ago! After a longterm long distance relationship (transatlantic) I knew I didn’t want to do that again, however, a short-term relationship with someone living close by turned scary and very unpleasant requiring me to move away. By then my mental boundaries were more than two miles away, less than ten! Seriously, this worked and I met my husband within these boundaries. The boundaries of relationships are much harder but I rather say up front what they may if known…but whatever people’s best intentions they sometimes break the boundaries…as is the problem with Buddy I guess. I feel for you here, Kathy…there is no simple answer. What is best for you and your family is the question you need to answer.

Thanks for sharing this story Annika. I think your answer does align with who I am anyway. Ultimately, that’s what we all have to do: what is best for us. After reading many of the responses, I think I’m comfortable having and stating clear boundaries, and then if the person doesn’t want to abide by them (cause they’re like rules), then I’m good not interacting as much…maybe lol

I think boundaries are essential for peace of mind (your own peace of mind), they might not be so appealing for the person who has a boundary set for them. And of course it very much depends what the boundary is. If it’s something small like the one you cite about your daughter, then that will work because you are the parent and it’s your role as a parent to establish guidelines. What say if your husband decides to go out every night after work, while you’d prefer him to come straight home? You insisting that he comes straight home or else (insert here what you will do if he doesn’t), might not work. I think boundaries will only work if you are prepared to let go of certain relationships if the ‘boundary-ee’ isn’t prepared to work with the ‘boundary-er’.:)

Aha! And I think that husband boundary example is sometimes where we get into a problem for sure. I totally, totally (that means I really for sure lol) agree with what you say at the end. They “only work if you are prepared to let go of certain relationships.” That’s the proverbial nail on the head Marie. A lot of people are afraid that if they state a boundary, then the person is gonna say, “Oh well…goodbye!” We have to be okay with that, if indeed the behavior is something we cannot deal with.

I hear you Kathy! 🙂 How many of us are prepared to cut certain people out of our lives because our principles are more important than the relationship to us? Who wants to be sitting at home alone with all our ‘boundaries’ and nobody to apply them to??!! LOL

Aaaarch, Katherin! This is a dilemma, I have so often.
Just last week, a friend of my husband (since they were kids) visited with his wife and children for the first time. We live almost two years here now, so I was already a bit irritated, it took them that long. I warned them, that in this place we no longer cage our dog (I know, the wife and one child, are afraid of dogs), but if their fear is really bad, we would put our dog on the leash. Our dog, still young enough to not understand why people don’t want to great her, was nervous during the visit and a handful to keep her calm. However, one of my hubbies best friends, so I did bite my tong. (aren’t you proud of me? lol)
What really struck me, was the remark they actually had to go to a birthday party, but cancelled that, because they taught it wouldn’t be right to cancel on us (again). But said in a way, we should be grateful and honored, they chose to be with us.
Now the friend birthdays is coming soon and I told my hubby; it is your friend, I will not forbid it, like I never have. At the same time, I don’t feel comfortable going to the party.
Of course, I wouldn’t even consider suggesting it, but we can’t bring our dog. So why bring your children in the first place, and if you do and they are so afraid for dogs… don’t even try to get them to be around our dog? She doesn’t bite and loves to play with the ball with children. The child didn’t have to hide in the kitchen and feels left out.
I am thinking all week: Why do we have to adjust and they don’t?
My husband don’t like confrontations, but I don’t like to step over my boundaries all the time….dilemma, dilemma…

PS: And that’s why I am married to my hubby…told him, that it started to stress me more than I like and he said ‘well, you don’t need to feel uncomfortable. I don’t have a problem, to go alone to my friends birthday’. It won’t solve the whole issue, but for now I can relax a bit and deal with it later.
Looking forward to your input, dear Katherin. I must say, I am not so brave as dancingpalmtrees, cause I am still often concerned, as in not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings.Hence, the dilemma.
Wishing you a lovely weekend.Hugs, Patty

Patty! Good to see your comment here. Have you read Khaya’s post either above or below yours? I think what you’ve described is what she says happens when boundaries aren’t clear. People feel mistreated and resentful.

Although my husband and I haven’t encountered the same situation, there have been times when I just wasn’t comfortable with his friends and their wives/girlfriends, whatever, so to resolve this, he hangs out with his friends without me. This hasn’t been a problem thus far.

I also think your example shows something someone else said about respect. I understand what you mean about your having to adjust but they don’t. To me, that’s not a respectful relationship. They don’t seem to care about how comfortable you feel or don’t feel having to deal with your pets in a way that’s unnatural for you.

Yes, you are so correct 🙂
And you know, sometimes you just don’t click. So, we agreed I won’t try anymore to be friend with the wife and my husband keeps his friendship…like you described.
Thanks dear Katherin. XxX

I too, think setting clear boundaries is vital. Because if we don’t, we’ll end up feeling mistreated and resentful. So, if I had made it clear to the person concerned that I do not like their behaviour, and they continue, nonetheless, my boundary would be simple not inviting them or accept any invitations from them. I guess, in a way that would be allowing them to be themselves in their own space.

Thanks for commenting Khaya. I don’t want to infringe on anyone’s right to be him or herself aaand I really don’t have a problem saying, hey…we don’t allow x, y, or z over here at my home. So, I think I’m leaning towards what you’ve written here. It’s okay for the person not to come over and for me not to be over there, or when I am, I know x, y, or z might occur and I can leave at any given moment.

I used to have trouble setting boundaries but as I got older, matured and got tired of allowing people to take advantage of me I now have no problems/troubles setting boundaries. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Now as for dealing with adults the key word being adults if you’re behavior offends or infringes on me in any way you will get kicked to the curb. I have no problem walking away, telling somebody to get out of my face or totally ignoring you. If you call yourself grown, then grow up and develop a thicker skin. Pretty much in my interactions with others I will tell you exactly how I feel with no filters. As many of my 50+ and 60+ friends say, I’m too old to be putting up with nonsense. Or to quote an old expression I do not suffer fools gladly.

Girl please say the part about “if you call yourself grown…” again. Yes, I agree with this. Grown people should be able to have grown conversations about how to interact with one another. Thanks also for this gem, “I do not suffer fools gladly.”

I think that both are definitely feasible. If you are a smoker, I’m going to ask you to go outside and not smoke in my home. If I know you drink to excess I’m going to talk to you about it prior to any gatherings that take place in my homes. Boundaries are essential and it’s not about you asking the person to change temporarily; it’s about asking the person to respect your home while they are there and if they care for you, that’s exactly how they will see it. I employ very colorful language and my godmother does not at ALL and I respect her home and never curse there or around her for that matter. I love thought provoking questions!!

Thanks for weighing in girl! I do appreciate it. These are some great examples. You’ve made a very key point: “AND IF THEY CARE FOR YOU, THAT’S EXACTLY HOW THEY WILL SEE IT.” Yes. I think this is what undergirds the entire conversation. A lot of times there’s more at play during boundary convos between two people and respect isn’t often a part of it. Maybe it would seem less like controlling someone’s behavior on either end, if it began with a conversation about respecting one’s space.

lol (I’m sure you didn’t mean this to be funny) but I laugh, because I agree. New relationships require setting boundaries for sure, especially when there’s another person involved that was raised with that family.

Good morning, Lovely! I so enjoyed this post. I hate to admit it, but by most accounts, I am a people pleaser. I don’t enjoy confrontation. So in many cases…as in a case like Buddy…I probably wouldn’t invite him to functions. And in its own way, that is my boundary. I want drama-free and so my fence is up. I’m not letting anyone in who will upset that.
I’ve had to do this with some of my extended family. I have nice, polite interactions, but I choose not to go beyond that. Do I state it out loud as a boundary? No. But nonetheless. It is. And without the label, they seem to understand and respect it. ❤️

Hey Tessa! Yes, people pleasing and boundaries don’t quite go together. Now, I do agree that it’s not always required to state the boundary. I think if people are paying attention, then they’ll notice (like your family) that it’s your fence and they’re not allowed in. So in that way I think we’re on the same page.

That is an interesting way to address boundaries. While we need to establish boundaries, I think we can also allow for the other person to be who they are. It’s up to us (and often our ego) to decide if we want to continue the conversation with that person. I’m talking about general boundaries here, not safety concerns.