So my girlfriend cheated on me. I'm wondering whether it was my fault.

We were together for 6 months and seemed to be incredibly close. She would use words like soulmate and perfect guy, would talk about our future, our children etc. We spent most of our time together and went away to Barcelona on the best holiday of our lives.

We decided to make things work once we were at uni but after 2 weeks, she kissed another bloke, accepted his invitation to go home with him and, although she says nothing happened, spent the night "cuddling".

When I visited she spent the entire time ignoring me to text him and her new friends, perhaps because she felt awkward, perhaps because she wasn't thinking about the effect she was having on me/thinking about how I was feeling.

I want to know whether it was my fault she acted like this - over the last few weeks of our relationship, she seemed to be taking advantage more and more in terms of asking me to pay for things and would snap/make snide remarks. She still said intense words of praise but they were fewer.

Then, once we were at uni, I spoke to her on the phone, saying "I'm having second thoughts about my course and my depression is returning" (the second degree I would have dropped out of). Now I find myself wondering whether I had lost her respect, meaning that she turned to another guy. Or is the ease with which she did it indicative of a relationship which would not work?

We were together for 6 months and seemed to be incredibly close. She would use words like soulmate and perfect guy, would talk about our future, our children etc. We spent most of our time together and went away to Barcelona on the best holiday of our lives.

We decided to make things work once we were at uni but after 2 weeks, she kissed another bloke, accepted his invitation to go home with him and, although she says nothing happened, spent the night "cuddling".

When I visited she spent the entire time ignoring me to text him and her new friends, perhaps because she felt awkward, perhaps because she wasn't thinking about the effect she was having on me/thinking about how I was feeling.

I want to know whether it was my fault she acted like this - over the last few weeks of our relationship, she seemed to be taking advantage more and more in terms of asking me to pay for things and would snap/make snide remarks. She still said intense words of praise but they were fewer.

Then, once we were at uni, I spoke to her on the phone, saying "I'm having second thoughts about my course and my depression is returning" (the second degree I would have dropped out of). Now I find myself wondering whether I had lost her respect, meaning that she turned to another guy. Or is the ease with which she did it indicative of a relationship which would not work?

No it's not your fault, you can't blame yourself for her actions. She cheated because she wanted to, it was not your fault. I would say try to talk to her about how you are feeling then if she continues to act the same then I would suggest you brake up with her because you can do better.

She's in control of her emotions and her vagina, she was also in control of her actions. You aren't to blame for that - and it seems you were actually a good boyfriend, she just couldn't resist temptation. I know it won't help how you feel right now, but you deserve better.

No this is not you fault, sometimes things change and it sounds like maybe you aren't meant to be together at this time in your life, although I know this is upsetting.
Uni is a very difficult time for relationships, and do not blame yourself for it!

Okay this is something I've wanted to say for a very long time. Hearing people who are really hurt by others say they feel guilty is a far too common thing. So:

IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT IF SOMEONE CHEATS ON YOU.

It doesn't matter if you weren't giving them enough attention, if you did something bad in the past, aren't financially stable, in a long-term relationship etc etc etc. It's not necessarily completely and totally their fault either. They did what they did, you can't change it and they most likely (excluding being not able to consent/including coerced) made their own decisions that led up to the event. Being cheated on doesn't straight away mean the relationship is over, but if you feel hurt don't ever feel pressured to behave in a way to "save the relationship" or that isn't what feels right for you.

You can help however by not being judgemental, leaving the relationship if you don't feel safe or secure, and not using it as leverage or to make them feel guilty.

(Original post by lisamb)
Okay this is something I've wanted to say for a very long time. Hearing people who are really hurt by others say they feel guilty is a far too common thing. So:

IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT IF SOMEONE CHEATS ON YOU.

It doesn't matter if you weren't giving them enough attention, if you did something bad in the past, aren't financially stable, in a long-term relationship etc etc etc. It's not necessarily completely and totally their fault either. They did what they did, you can't change it and they most likely (excluding being not able to consent/including coerced) made their own decisions that led up to the event. Being cheated on doesn't straight away mean the relationship is over, but if you feel hurt don't ever feel pressured to behave in a way to "save the relationship" or that isn't what feels right for you.

You can help however by not being judgemental, leaving the relationship if you don't feel safe or secure, and not using it as leverage or to make them feel guilty.

Thanks for your reply. What I am driving at is whether I shouldn't feel bad because I wouldn't want to be with someone capable of this. What do you think?

Also, whilst I know that the fault lies with the cheat, it can be brought on by certain issues. But then I suppose you could argue break up rather than cheat.

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your reply. What I am driving at is whether I shouldn't feel bad because I wouldn't want to be with someone capable of this. What do you think?

Also, whilst I know that the fault lies with the cheat, it can be brought on by certain issues. But then I suppose you could argue break up rather than cheat.

For me my issue lies with the term fault. It indicates that there was something wrong with something, I do believe however that responsibility for actions is mainly with the person themselves. You do not have something wrong with you because of the way someone else thinks, I've seen far too many people try to change themselves to suit a partner who at their core isn't right for them. It's like trying to push a square peg through a round hole. It's a lot to do with communication, and some people struggle with that.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say "whether I shouldn't feel bad because I wouldn't want to be with someone capable of this" I'm afraid. Could you expand on that?

I hope it's okay to say all of this, nothing I say is applicable to everyone just what I've seen and supported others through. I mainly just hope you're feeling okay.

(Original post by lisamb)
For me my issue lies with the term fault. It indicates that there was something wrong with something, I do believe however that responsibility for actions is mainly with the person themselves. You do not have something wrong with you because of the way someone else thinks, I've seen far too many people try to change themselves to suit a partner who at their core isn't right for them. It's like trying to push a square peg through a round hole. It's a lot to do with communication, and some people struggle with that.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say "whether I shouldn't feel bad because I wouldn't want to be with someone capable of this" I'm afraid. Could you expand on that?

I hope it's okay to say all of this, nothing I say is applicable to everyone just what I've seen and supported others through. I mainly just hope you're feeling okay.

No, I really appreciate all that you're saying. I suppose what I am trying to understand is whether I wasn't a strong enough personality, or was lacking in some sense, hence the cheating. I also wonder whether the fact that I showed self-doubt etc crushed her respect for me, hence the treatment.

Well, I'm trying to work out whether the fact that she behaved in this way means I haven't lost out by losing her. I worry that certain failings of mine have led to me losing the love of my life essentially.

(Original post by Anonymous)
No, I really appreciate all that you're saying. I suppose what I am trying to understand is whether I wasn't a strong enough personality, or was lacking in some sense, hence the cheating. I also wonder whether the fact that I showed self-doubt etc crushed her respect for me, hence the treatment.

Well, I'm trying to work out whether the fact that she behaved in this way means I haven't lost out by losing her. I worry that certain failings of mine have led to me losing the love of my life essentially.

You definitely haven't lost out by losing her. Things always have a funny way of working out for the best, even if it really, really hurts and takes you time to feel okay. You deserve someone who will respect you enough not to cheat on you, and someone you can trust as well. You deserve to not be taken advantage of or treated badly. Don't let her mistake make you think any differently.

No one is perfect, we all have our down times and times where we just need a little extra help. Being open and honest with someone about how you're struggling shouldn't make them lose respect for you. She had a choice to end things the decent way or the not-so-decent way, and she chose the latter. That really should be telling you something about her.

You will get over her, you will move on and you'll look back and think 'she was a waste of time, I deserve better than that'. You deserve to be happy, OP.

(Original post by Anonymous)
No, I really appreciate all that you're saying. I suppose what I am trying to understand is whether I wasn't a strong enough personality, or was lacking in some sense, hence the cheating. I also wonder whether the fact that I showed self-doubt etc crushed her respect for me, hence the treatment.

Well, I'm trying to work out whether the fact that she behaved in this way means I haven't lost out by losing her. I worry that certain failings of mine have led to me losing the love of my life essentially.

Get out now....its very obvious, its her fault and she's found her own person who she appears to be pursuing and using you for your money now.

This isn't what you signed up for. Get out now while you are upset. But do remember you are at uni, you got new friends and its an ideal place to overcome this girl.

(Original post by Anonymous)
No, I really appreciate all that you're saying. I suppose what I am trying to understand is whether I wasn't a strong enough personality, or was lacking in some sense, hence the cheating. I also wonder whether the fact that I showed self-doubt etc crushed her respect for me, hence the treatment.

Well, I'm trying to work out whether the fact that she behaved in this way means I haven't lost out by losing her. I worry that certain failings of mine have led to me losing the love of my life essentially.

I understand, but trust me when I say we don't all have just one chance of love. Relationships are really intense when you're young, so the ending of perhaps first love is really tough to deal with. You haven't missed out, you have a lot of time now to focus on yourself a bit, I'm not sure if you're male but I know there can be a lot of pressure of guys to feel "strong" and not show insecurity but everyone has them. Feeling low, depressed or having a low self-esteem is not a failing but it can be helped if you need it regardless of gender.

Being in a good relationship involves being respectful of each other, having someone who makes you feel bad about yourself is not healthy. It also doesn't have to be a girlfriend who can make you feel good about yourself, for me confidence doesn't come naturally and I used to seriously struggle with it. Though I have improved, and it's partly down to being away from the people I now know used to criticise me a lot for my personality and opinions. But now I'm a lot more free, and do things that make me happy including going into the career I currently am.

(Original post by Anonymous)
No, I really appreciate all that you're saying. I suppose what I am trying to understand is whether I wasn't a strong enough personality, or was lacking in some sense, hence the cheating. I also wonder whether the fact that I showed self-doubt etc crushed her respect for me, hence the treatment.

Well, I'm trying to work out whether the fact that she behaved in this way means I haven't lost out by losing her. I worry that certain failings of mine have led to me losing the love of my life essentially.

Stop being a beta-male and realise you're being used for material gain.