A Note From Inside the Cloud

A grey cloud of oppression has surrounded me in recent
months, growing thicker and thicker. I feel it may be about to dissipate.
(Lord, let it dissipate!) The cloud is
still here and thick, but I’m starting to remember what hope feels like. I usually don’t mention it until I come out on the other side, but I wanted to,
in this brief moment of remembering hope, share it with you. Maybe you’re in a
cloud too, and need to hear it as much as I did this morning. The heart-wrenching ache can come from anything: Mourning a loved one, grieving
this dark world, or tiring of perpetually screwing up and falling short and of
trying.

Whatever the ache, it can become too heavy to bear.

I tend to hide. Because surely I have to fix this before I
can come to God and offer myself again, right? But of course I can’t fix it, which means I can’t yet
approach God, which means I keep on
hiding.

The cloud thickens.

The glimmer of hope today is this: I can’t fix this.

The bar is too high. The pierce of this pain is too intense.
I can’t hide and I can’t change.

This is the end of the road. (Are you encouraged yet?)

Precisely where this road ends though, is where a new one
begins.

Where I stop trusting myself

is where I start to trust God.

If I can’t fix this or free myself, there is only One who
can. And finally my eyes turn away from self and turn toward
Him. And I’m sprawled before Him, face down, offering all that I
am which is not much, but I’m too worn out to hide anymore.

Finally a shaft of light pierces the cloud and I can praise the One who can help me.

"Why am I discouraged?Why is my heart so
sad?I will put my hope
in God!I will praise him
again—" (Psalm 43:5)

"My Savior and
my God! You are my King and my God.You command
victories for Israel.Only by your power
can we push back our enemies;only in your name
can we trample our foes.I do not trust in
my bow;I do not count on my sword to save me.You are the one who gives us victory over our
enemies;you disgrace those who hate us.O God, we give glory to you all day longand constantly praise your name." (Psalm 44:4-8)

The ache is still there, but I’ll praise Him anyway. Practice trusting Him anyway.

And ask friends to join me in praying against this
oppression. (thank you friends!)

And most of all, I will decidedly, intentionally, fiercely

fix my eyes on Him, the Author and Perfector of my faith

who is good and able to guard what I have entrusted to Him
until the day of his return. (2Tim1:12)

“And let us run with
endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on
Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” (Heb12:1,2)