What Men Want: The 10 Commandments of Blow Jobs

If I ever write a highly erotic version of the Bible, and I might, the scene where Moses goes up Mount Sinai to retrieve the word of God will have a slightly different spin. In my version, what the prophet will bring back to us will still be 10 Commandments, but they will be the 10 Blow Job Commandments, and they will go something like this:

1. Thou Shalt Not Use Teeth “I gave my first blow jobs when I was a counselor at camp, and my boyfriend, Nick—he wore board-shorts while he played tennis, so hot—had to tell me what was up. If you’re going to give head, your teeth cannot exist. There are a million ways to give an unsatisfactory blow job, but this is the sure-fire way to give an unpleasant one.” --Erica, 27, lawyer

2.Thou Shalt Explore Around Your Comfort Zone “Be open minded about blow jobs. Tips that sound kind of awkward can be the most rewarding. Don't keep your best BJ tricks to yourself. At the very least, share them with your best friend. Or if you happen to be a sex blogger, share them with thousands of readers,” says Rosemary, my fellow sex blogger. Listen to Rosemary. You’re putting a penis in your mouth with the goal of getting him to come, or at very least getting him halfway there. Get into it. Try new things. Even if they sound weird or gross. All that said, you need to be comfy, both physically and emotionally. Make sure you’re in a good position. If his hip movements or his hand anywhere near your head is bothering you, make sure he knows that’s not OK.

3. Thou Shalt Use Your Tongue "Like a passionate kiss, it takes a little tongue to bring your BJ to the next level," says my friend Richard. And he’s right. It’s true: Your mouth is where it’s at. But the tongue plays a roll, too. Remember, the head of a guy’s penis is the most sensitive part; doing clever things to it with the source of all your clever witticisms will do good things to him, just remember 4. Thou Shalt Win the War, Not the Battle You’re going for a long con, not a cheap score. If, in the long run, it’s going to make things easier, take a break, change positions, whatever. It’s better to take a few breaks and finish in 10 minutes than to take none and give up after six. “Go for as long as you can without taking a break, but take them, because otherwise it only makes your job harder,” says my friend Emily, another lawyer. “You are, of course, breathing through your nose the whole time, but when you go for a while your neck starts to hurt, etc. You need a break, unless you're super woman or the dude is fast.”

5.Thou Shalt Be Very Tidy, or Very Messy There are really two ways you can go with the amount of saliva you allow to get, well, everywhere. You can follow the advice of my friend Milo, who says “the wetter the better; it helps me know she’s into it,” or you can follow the advice of my friend Jasmine, who says “make sure you're doing a clean job, i.e., there really shouldn’t be space between your mouth and the guy's penis.” I say do whatever works for you. Energy spent holding in spit for reasons of aesthetics is energy wasted, in my opinion. Then again, if all your focus is going to drift to the mess you’re making, maybe it’s worth keeping it in and swallowing it down.

6. Thou Shalt Put Thy Finger in His Butt Or at least be open to it. No, nothing bad will happen if you don’t. But remember that part of exploring is going places you’re afraid to go. 7. Thou Shalt Never Put Thy Finger in His Butt It’s not for everyone. “Any time my finger gets anywhere near his back area, he tenses up and gets all squirmy. He’s made it very clear that it’s a no-no place. Whatever. He has no problem playing with mine, and I’m happy not to return the favor,” says Aude. 8. Thou Shalt Make This About Him, But Not Only Him Yes, oral is one-way. No, it doesn’t have to be. If you’re getting turned on, free up a hand and start on yourself. He’ll appreciate how hot you are getting.

9. Thou Shalt Not Make This About The Member and Only the Member There is so much more down there than our manhoods. “Don't forget that a banana split comes with nuts,” says Becky, age 26. “As in, testicles. As in, lick 'em.” We’re kind of at the point where doing stuff with his boys is BJ 101, but it needs to be said. It’s not just about his penis. 10. Thou Shalt Be Into It, For The Love Of God, Be Into It He can tell if you’re not.

There are some contradictions in my Blowjob 10 Commandments. But there’s a reason for that. Sex is different for everyone. Including oral sex. One guy’s fifth base carnival of fun will be another guy’s bouncy castle of nightmares. One guy’s tease will be another guy’s torture. Yes, there are basic elements that every good BJ will have (no teeth, pacing, enthusiasm, good handwork, etc.), but accommodating his likes with your desires and comfort level is a conversation, perhaps just a physical one, but one worth having.