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Vegetti Boganese

Considering my blue eyes, blonde hair and fair as fuck skin, I must readily admit I know fuck all about cooking Italian food. My bogan interpretation of Bolognese could be downright bloody insulting, but can you fathom a guess how many fucks I give? This sauce finishes to be as velvety as a waxed up puss, and most people are shamelessly keen to go back for seconds (again, similar to a waxed up puss). It is teeming with sneaky vegetables camouflaged in pure excellence, so you can guarantee you’re going to back out a perfect shit the next day – because you’re worth it. You might notice that there’s an arseload of ingredients in this dish. But don’t be put off like a lazy cunt, this dish is actually very easy to make.

– 2/3 cup raw cashews (if you have time, soak them in water first, I like to soak them for about 8 hours so they whip easier than a submissive)

– about 1/2 cup of your chosen milk (I go coconut milk)

– a sprinkle of salt

– 1 fresh Medjool date

The Vegetti:

– 1 zucchini per person, you have to julienne the shit out of this (I recommend a vegetable spiralizer, google it). You want it to look like spaghetti, savvy?

– corn pasta (you’ll find this in the health food aisle of the supermarket. Ingredients should be 100% corn). How much you ask? I don’t fucking know. Just work it out

– a smidge of olive oil

– a sprinkle of salt

– 1 clove of garlic, minced

– a handful of chopped fresh parsley or thyme to stir through (if you can give a fuck)

Get your Boganese on:

– righto, chums, get your beef cooking in a big-arse pot with some olive oil (medium heat). Brown him up good (probably takes about 10 minutes or so)

– while that shit is on the go, get your food processor out, he’s got jobs on. Whack the carrots, onion, celery, capsicum, spinach, dates, chillis and garlic in there and set it to MAXIMUM WHIZZ. When it’s all good and smooth add it into the browned beef and give it a stir

– give the beef and vegetables a chance to mingle together in the pot for a few minutes, then add in the wine and tomato. Give it a good simmering with the lid off for about ten minutes. Feel free to breathe in the vaporised alcohol

– now it’s time to whack in the bay leaves, thyme, rosemary, nutmeg, balsamic vinegar, honey and motherfuckin’ hot sauce. Stir it, then pop the lid on, turn the heat down to low and catch that fucker later. Feel free to stir it sporadically

– after about 40 or so minutes, it’ll be ready to go

– might as well get the cream ready. Just chuck the drained cashews, milk, date and salt in a blender and blend that absolute fuck out of it. It should end up very smooth. If it’s too thick for your liking bang some more milk in

– now, this vegetti shit: cook the corn pasta as per its packet’s instructions – don’t be tempted to overcook the corn pasta, if you do it will stick like shit to a blanket. And that ain’t good

– in a frypan, heat a little olive oil, then throw in all that zucchini julienne and give it a little flick around in there with the garlic. It’ll only take a few minutes

– mix the corn pasta and zucchini together in the frypan and stir through the fresh parsley (or thyme, or nothing, whatever) and season that shit with some salt. Now you have yourself some vegetti

– to serve, bang some vegetti in a bowl, then scoop on that sexy Boganese sauce, and dollop a wad of cream on top

My son is the fussies little bastard in the history of shitty little boys so I am going to trick him with this!! If he eats it I will let him read your blog at which point we will all piss ourselves laughing – again!