Thursday, June 11, 2009

Want to know how to make your vacation feel like it lasts forever? Take the trip with your entire family.

Wednesday has come and gone with no injuries. No breaking of babies, no breaking of me. Early vacation wounds (sunburns) are healing. Bug bites are still itching. And the bumps and bruises from Tuesday night's Trip Down Clumsy Ass Lane are still quite uncomfortable but temporarily soothed by alcohol and the hot tub.

The old wounds though will likely never heal. The deep wounds to the heart. The inability to trust. The feeling of constantly playing defense against some verbal/mental attack. Sometimes, we almost feel like a normal family. A close family. Other times, I'm reminded exactly why we moved so far away from these people. It's been more about demeanor and attitude this week than actual words. Still, I'm over-sensitive and feel like it's all my fault. Every word feels like an accusation and the roller coaster of "yay" and "save me" is exhausting. Even though things have been mostly low-key, I can't help wondering if we're really going to survive the entire week without a confrontation of some sort.

I realize this isn't a brilliant post. I'm tired after not sleeping last night. Also, it hurts to type. So instead of brilliance, you just get a peek at what's been inside my mind. And then I hopefully drift off to dreamland.

i sometimes have a hard time with my family, and the way things were growing up.

avoidance of family gatherings has been less stressful for me and the cluster i deal with right now.

not that there are family gatherings persee...we are a very small bunch, those of us who lived with one another. cloistered together for so many years...

sorry. flashback.

i don't know what to say, only that you should participate in other peoples lives as much as your comfort level allows. yes, they are our blood...but thicker than water? sometimes i beg to differ.

enjoy your last few days cate. do what YOU and joe want to do. have giggles and love time with your nephew, and give kindness to those who don't deserve it. because actions come full circle...and you will be being kind to #1.

That's my family too. I sit there, falling into the role I had to be as a child and NOT being the "me" I am currently. because that's just what we do.

And inevitably, there's a clash when someone decides to leave their 'role'. Which ALWAYS starts from the same person, which ALWAYS upsets the same people, which ALWAYS makes the same people fix the issue... and then people have to return to their 'roles' in order to keep the equilibrium.

Keep going-- you're doing good so far! Almost done! I second our dear friend, Andy. You're the best.

Today's post reminds me of taking Hubby back home to Sweden to meet my parents. Hubs have heard me talk about my father, and all the bullshit that he has put me through in my life, but when we were there he was friendly, sucking up to Hubby, he cooked us dinner, and was on his funniest, most charming behavior. I felt like I was walking on a mine field all night. The inability to trust just saturates everything.As we were driving home Hubby said: "That was not so bad"I answered with "You do realized that was the first time in my entire life that my father cooked me dinner?".Those old wounds are hard to get past. Just because I have chosen to forgive (impossible to forget), does not mean that this person will not return to old behaviors. So you are on guard.

Just try to enjoy the ups, and don't stress too much over the downs. Yeah, easier said than done. Now I remember why I limit visits with my family to under 2 hours. How brave you are, to take on a VACATION with them. You're going to need another one (alone) when you're done. Low key, just below the surface, long term stress is worse than a quick blow up. The more it builds, the harder it is. Hoping you get through the rest of it without a huge confrontation.

About Me

It's a blog. I'll probably write stuff in it.
Me, I'm married, no kids, two cats, one boring job. My life isn't that exciting so I like to complicate things with overthinking, health issues, and anxiety attacks. I also enjoy reading, writing, travel (if I could control the anxiety attacks), wine, hockey, and music. And long walks on the beach. And a sugar daddy.