He lost his wife and was never able to be emotionally present for his three children, now grown. Nearly 30 years after being deployed to a peacekeeping mission in the Middle East, he still cannot easily talk about his experiences in detail without fear of triggering a wave of vivid memories, anger and even panic.

I’m one of the lucky ones,” said Green. “I have recovered to the point that I can be a functioning member of society. Some people never recover. They just can’t cope.”

Even those who make an emotional recovery must contend with a civilian world that is fearful and even hostile.

Green didn’t want to use his real name or image for this story out of fear that the fear and stigma inspired by PTSD could prevent him from finding a new job. He was forced to leave his last job at a federal agency after employers and co-workers learned he had the disorder.

When a co-worker confronted him angrily in the office, Green tried to warn him that the incident could trigger PTSD symptoms. He ended up punching a filing cabinet to make his point, when the co-worker didn’t take heed.

Green’s employer sent him to a forensic psychiatrist to determine if he was a danger to his colleagues.

“I tried to go back, but it just became a toxic place for me,” Green explained. “TV and movies haven’t done [PTSD victims] any favours; they were afraid I would go Rambo on them.”

People with PTSD are far more likely to withdraw from life than lash out, though there is an increased risk of domestic violence.

Green’s illness came at a time when soldiers didn’t show weakness, decades before the Canadian Forces’ current regime of testing, counselling pre- and post-deployment and before officers were trained to detect symptoms of PTSD in their charges.

“When I was diagnosed, I thought I was the only one in the world that was sick,” he said. “You can’t understand what’s happening to you and you can’t control it.

“I suffered for a long time.”

For 20 years, Green did what many soldiers do to salve psychological wounds.

“I fell into a bottle,” he said.

In 1993, already suffering from chronic pain and high blood pressure, he was assigned to a desk job by the military. It would take another 15 years before he found real relief from his symptoms as a civilian patient at the Forces’ in-patient treatment program in Guelph, Ontario.

A perfect storm

In hindsight, Green was a perfect candidate for PTSD.

He grew up on Vancouver Island with an alcoholic father, a life that was punctuated with scenes of chaos and violence.

“My brother, sister and I stopped our father from killing our mother in a drunken rage,” he recalled. “If that doesn’t affect a six-year-old kid, I don’t know what would.”

Violent abuse and rape are among the most common causes of PTSD among civilians. Even the fear of imminent harm or death is traumatic enough to cause the disorder.

His parents told him at age 19 to leave the family home and not return unless he had a job.

“I went to the recruitment centre and told them I needed a job, not next week but right now,” he said. “I was desperate, there was a huge recession and I wasn’t getting any support from my family. I joined for a paycheque.”

The next day he was on his way to basic training.

“My brother calls me an accidental soldier,” he laughed.

Green’s first overseas deployment was a peacekeeping mission in the Middle East.

Then-Pvt. Green, 22, was enjoying a rare 48-hour pass with three other young soldiers when they were approached by a young Brit, who lured them away from public view where they were held while their armed captors debated over whether to ransom them.

“We were naive, it was our first tour, we didn’t know not to trust anybody,” he said. “We were set up. We knew we were in trouble.”

When the captors decided to take Green from the group “to prove their point,” he felt he was staring death in the face.

“That was my first taste of terrorism,” said Green. “My three friends made sure I didn’t go and I owe my life to them.”

The incident ended without serious physical injury when an eight-year-old boy looking for his father stumbled on the scene, fled and returned with UN military police.

Green and his colleagues were debriefed by their commanders, who were keen to resolve the incident and forget it. “There were a few injuries, but nobody died, so they didn’t see the need to make a big deal of it.”

“You are taught to suppress, soldiers are supposed to be tough, but you can’t suppress this stuff,” he said. “Without help, eventually all you think about is suicide.”

“My superiors knew I was screwed up, but I don’t think they knew why,” said Green. As a result, he never advanced in rank despite two decades of service.

Things were no better at home. Green struggled to relate to his wife and to raise his children — two girls and one boy — while battling untreated PTSD.

“There were times when I couldn’t get off the couch or out of bed, I just couldn’t do anything with them,” Green said.

Green’s wife tried to shield the children from the worst of his problems, but his emotional paralysis put their marriage under terrific strain.

“Post Traumatic Stress is a family killer,” said Green. “I have a lot of guilt that they had to live through that, through my symptoms.”

A ray of light

A fellow serviceman coaxed Green into seeking treatment after noticing changes in his behaviour and personality.

“I was just planning to kill myself when he talked me into [treatment],” Green recalled.

Soldiers and veterans who have PTSD need a fully supportive network to recover, from their therapists and spouses to their children and their employers, even if no one can really understand what they are going through, Green said.

Peer counselling through organizations such as the British Columbia Operational Stress Injury Clinic is often an integral part of the therapy. Green spent several years as a volunteer for an organization outside B.C., which helped him as much as the soldiers he counselled.

“Being an infantry soldier is a hard job and not everyone can do it,” he said. “When you sign on the dotted line, the [Canadian Forces] sends you where they want.”

“Men and women serving in Afghanistan are being shot at every day,” he said. “Not too many people in Canada have had that experience.”

Only soldiers know, and they fear it.

“The men and women coming back from Afghanistan would rather lose a limb than have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” he said.

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