Sexist bartending, over-pouring and ‘too much’ head

Please, please, please let her order a glass of wine, I thought each and every time I approached a guest at last night’s Cocktails and Conversation event at Dale Miller to benefit Equinox.

I say “her” because I was a bit of a sexist bartender, gravitating toward the women. They were, I quickly learned, less likely to order a mixed drink that included things with names like “Knob” or “Hendricks” (neither of these requests came from Matt); or draft beers.

The whole head thing on the beer sent me into a panic. Was it too much? Not enough? Does this beer get an orange? A lime? Maybe a cherry? When the foam goes running down the sides is it OK to wipe it off, or should I start over with a new glass? What if I run out of glasses. What if I break a glass? Is it possible for a volunteer to get fired?

Of course, we were there to make money and, when a male customer was clearly trying to make eye contact I couldn’t ignore him. Good thing, too, since one of my potential customers was Jim Linnan — who turned out to be the owner of Dale Miller.

“Potential” is the operative word here because, after I was clearly mystified by the drink he ordered for his friend (it may have had the word “Manhattan” in it), he told me to “let Nikki take care of it.”

Nikki, along with Zarah, were nothing short of booze-sent angels (although they did scold me for over-pouring the wine). The two Dale Miller staffers were more patient with us novices than any human being should be with another.

No matter how many times I got in their way, asked if a certain kind of wine was red or white or had them recite what, exactly, was in a gin and tonic (OK, that’s a bit of an exaggeration) they seemed far less frustrated with us than I was with myself.

After Nicole said for the fifth time — at least — to “hug your spot,” while bracing my hips and gently shoving me toward the bar, I caught on. Staying close to the “wall” allowed the other bartenders (the people who knew what they were doing) to scoot by in a fast and efficient manner.

My height created a major problem here, though. While the other bartenders were petite, and could see the bottles of liquor while “hugging their spot,” I needed to stand back, or bend down, so as not to grab the gin when making a Cosmo.

The one and only Cosmo I did make was for a super sweet woman who walked me through the process, even teaching me it’s cranberry juice — not grenadine — that makes the drink pink. She then tipped $3, which thrilled me to no end seeing as I probably should’ve tipped her. I slid that cash into the till full of gratuities destined for Equinox eying the $5, $10s and $20s in the jar and thinking how I was possibly having some of the most fun I’ve ever had “working” (and that’s saying a lot seeing as I have a pretty fabulous job.)

Two of our generous customers -- Neil Breslin and Michael Tucker

Petrified customers would think my bartending skills were a reflection on the restaurant Dale Miller, I apologized at least 50 times throughout the night. Between mixing, pouring and uncapping I would make sure the customer knew why we were there and what we were doing and why the “bartender” had to ask someone else to uncork the wine (in my one and only attempt I broke the cork and Zarah had to take over) or which glass to use for a rum and coke on the rocks.

I was safest (and probably at my best) when running the registers. I love computers, and finance, and felt a twinge of pride every time the drawer popped open and the pile of 20s got thicker and thicker. Making change reminded of my days as a cashier at Miller’s (RIP) and swiping credit cards gave me flashbacks to my days of playing Mall Madness as a kid. At that moment I felt “this is my destiny.”

Then someone said “Kristi, excuse me, may I have a Mojito?”

“Sure,” came out of my mouth, but the fear in my eyes said otherwise.

“Never mind,” he said. “Just give me a glass of whatever red wine you don’t have to uncork.”

Kristi I would’ve been happy to teach you how to pour a beer with the perfect head. I was trained, much to my mother’s dismay, at the tender age of 5 by her cousin, to pour a beer from a tapped keg at a family picnic… a talent I must remember to thank him for the next time I see him!! :-)

I am sure no matter how you did everyone knew it was for charity & the comedy of it all would’ve been worth the price of admission as they say! Job well done!!!

Kristi – So glad you had fun .. Bartending is a whole lot harder than it looks .. And, I love the mention of both Miller’s (I’m former employee as well – and it will always be Miller’s!) and Mall Madness, which my sister got for me off of Ebay for Christmas this past year! We’ve played ot so much that I have already had to replce the batteries!

Thank you Kristi and Steve, and of course, the people at Dale Miller who made this possible. It was a great evening! I’m glad you enjoyed it even though you both worked non-stop behind the two bars. We appreciate all the support from the community for the programs and services of Equinox. It was wonderful to see so many of our friends, and to meet some new ones.

Kristi- Thanks so much to you and Steve for participating in our event. Hope your knee feels better soon. Many thanks to the Dale Miller staff who made this event possible and patiently dealt with us amateur bartenders, especially Nikki.