Tuesday, November 13, 2007

When Bad Cookies Happen to Good People

Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur and become totally convinced that I can do everything and be everywhere.

Sometimes I forget to give myself permission to let good enough be good enough.

And there's where things go wrong. Very, very wrong.

Sometimes when I'm working all day and then picking up my kids and grocery shopping and getting a husband and a son ready for an opening night production and making a salad for the kindergarten pot luck that we will all go to before the opening night production and baking a batch of cookies and a batch of lemon squares for a bake sale and trying to shower because I didn't have time that morning...

well, sometimes, when all that is happening, I get confused.

And instead of putting one egg in the cookies and three eggs in the lemon squares like the recipe calls for, I put THREE eggs in the cookies. And I end up with cookie dough that looks like pancake batter.

So rather than admit defeat, I add flour to the cookies to thicken the consistency.

Worried that I've created cake-like cookies with no taste, I throw chocolate chips in the batter.

Worried that my monstrosities won't sell, while all the OTHER moms' perfectly baked cookies will fly off the table, I search for something, anything, to add to their appeal.

In a panic, I grab some Hershey kisses. (I've seen that done, right? People put kisses on cookies, right? People will be dying for these awesome awesome chocolate cookies, right?)

I pull the giant, cake-like, lumpy cookies from the oven, slap on the Hershey kisses and stand back to admire my handiwork.

This is what I ended up with:

Hmmmm.....

Look familiar?

Can't quite place it?

Here, let me help you:

Beta Mom's Fake Dog Doo Cookies - Scoop them up at a Bake Sale near you!

Beta Mom, we're going to have to start calling you BM! (Sorry, couldn't resist that one.)

For the record, I also get distracted while multitasking and cooking, mistaking the "t" for a "T" in the recipe and the like. AND, I once made chocolate chip pancakes that had so many chocolate chips in them that The Ex thought they looked like diarrhea while they cooked and then shit patties when they were done. Even I couldn't stomach that much chocolate.

I feel no compulsion to break my low-cholesterol, high-protein diet for these cookies. That is the best thing I can say about them. The best thing I can say about you: what you lack in cooking prowess you make up for in good humour and great writing.

I really don't see any problem. You should have taken the cookies to the bake sale and I guarentee you that you'd never be asked to bake for another school bake sale for the rest of your life!! You really need to start thinking like a Ulvila!