Burger Battle '09

One thing we have learned from the economic downturn, culinarily
speaking, is that hamburgers are more popular than ever.

It makes sense when you think about it. But let's not — and
instead dive into the meat of the matter: The ubiquitous burger is
barging onto all sorts of menus (along with sliders, its triplet midget
sisters), even spinning off into burger bars, lounges, and upscale
establishments. To paraphrase Charles Kuralt: You can find your way
across Dade County using burger joints the way a navigator uses
stars.

So that's what we did, beginning with three places that have earned
sterling hamburger reputations: Five Guys, Clarke's, and Kingdom. Then
we moved onto a trio that is attempting to achieve that status: 8-oz.
Burger Bar, Dune Oceanfront Burger Lounge, and Bar Burgers at Bourbon
Steak. We pitted each of the six against one another, mano a mano, beef
a beef, bun a bun.

Criteria for judging:

1. Quality and taste of beef, type of bun, proportion of beef to
bun, proximity to medium-rare, garnishes (0-50 points)

The esteemed panel of experts rendering verdicts included me plus
whichever bumbling, burger-friendly acquaintance I brought along to
each joint.

Kingdom

1. To keep things equal, we went with the eight-ounce Queen burger
rather than the 12-ounce King burger. The meat is ground on premises,
and the burger exudes a strong, fresh beef flavor. The bottom half of
the patty was overcharred and well-done; the top half was very rare
— an inadvertent occurrence, but actually not a bad combo. The
bun is standard sesame; garnishes are a semi-ripe tomato slice, red
onion slices, a tired lettuce leaf, and a few pickle chips. 41
pts.

2. Fresh, thin, well-seasoned and -spiced potatoes. 7
pts.

3. Real burger joint ambiance, no pretense, owned by a nice
neighborhood couple. Service was a little slack. Only $5 for bottles of
imported beer. 7 pts.

4.$11 (burger $7.75, fries $3.25). 26 pts.

Total: 81

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

1. Two patties of "never frozen American beef" served well-done
only, but juicy and distinctively seasoned — very tasty, if in a
greasy, fast-food way. Sesame bun and loads of optional garnishes, from
grilled mushrooms to jalapeños to barbecue sauce. 41
pts.

2. Fresh potatoes from Rigby, Idaho, blanched before getting fried
in peanut oil. Diners get to season fries, which is a good idea —
especially for those who don't like salt. Huge portion (and we're
talking about the regular size, not the large). 9 pts.

3. Free peanuts a big plus. Fast-food ambiance not much to speak of,
but it's clean. No beer. 5 pts.

4. $7.38 (burger $4.49, fries $2.89). 27 pts.

Total: 82

Clarke's

1. A very juicy eight-ounce hamburger on a soft sesame seed bun
— so juicy, and so soft, that the bottom of the bun felt like the
proverbial tissue left out in a rainstorm. Solution: heartier bun or
smaller burger. Nice char-grilled flavor, but undercooked. Comes with
thick slices of ripe tomato and red onion. 43 pts.

1. Chef Michael Mina's burger is a wood-grilled blend of USDA Prime
and American Kobe beef. The meat was alluringly charred, cooked to
perfection, and absolutely delicious on a sturdy house-baked pain au
lait bun — speared with a house-made dill pickle and Tuscan
pepper. You can choose the house garniture of melted farmhouse cheddar,
shredded lettuce, balsamic-glazed onions, and secret sauce (which
tastes suspiciously like HoJo's old secret sauce), or select up to six
toppings, which include shaved jalapeño, truffle aioli, and
poached organic egg. 48 pts.

3. Patrons slip into plushly upholstered seats in a warm, mahogany,
tearoom-like setting. Truffled popcorn is handed out to start — a
nice treat. (An adult milkshake, performance-enhanced with Jim Beam and
salty caramel drizzled down the interior of the glass, was luscious and
packed a punch — not bad for $11. My date, an 8-year-old girl,
tried a regular milkshake that was so tasty she wouldn't share, but $11
for a nonalcoholic version is a bit much; this didn't count in the
competition, but it should be noted.) Waitstaff was very nice and quite
efficient. Fine beer selection. 9 pts.

4. $19 (burger $14, fries $5). 22 pts.

Total: 87

8-oz. Burger Bar

1. Hormone-free sirloin, tri-top, short rib and chuck are ground on
site and "cured in our Himalayan salt-tiled locker." Pretty words do
not a great burger make, but this one really does exude a buoyant beef
taste and is char-grilled to crisp glory. It's served on a delicious
brioche bun, and garnishes include paper-thin marinated onions,
shredded lettuce, and a ripe tomato slice. 48 pts.

3. There's a cool, casual ambiance, with a full-service bar, a
bounty of boutique beers, good music on the speakers, a hip South Beach
crowd, and a pool table. Plentiful and creative à la
carte cheeses and other additions are available. Service is personable,
although during busy times, you'll have to wait. 10 pts.

4. $14 (burger $10, fries $4). 24 pts.

Total: 89

Best burger: Tie between Bar Burgers at Bourbon Steak and
8-oz. Burger Bar.