BEAUTY
IS ITS OWN REWARD

By Jessica
Becht

Not all are born with beauty, but
most desire it. Those unpulchritudinous amongst us should
remember that there are many types of beauty: beauty of deportment,
beauty of dress, or, perhaps most essential, the beauty of
self-possession.
A woman who is happy, kind, and well mannered will dazzle
no matter how awkward her profile.

Yet, a woman who is dissatisfied,
jealous, or spiteful will present an unappealing aura despite
delicate features.

This sort of old-fashioned advice
went out with hats and gloves. Think back to your childhood.
How many times did your grandmother admonish you with Beauty
is as beauty does and other trite aphorisms? She believed
in the myth that states Character counts. In truth,
your grandmother wasn't doing you any favors. She should have
stooped down to whisper Beauty is its own reward into
one of your ears and It's too bad you were born so homely
into the other.

Thanks to the skewed value system
long propagated by the nation's grandmothers, many women have
become inept wielders of femininity. Healthy displays of narcissism
have been trampled under a propagandist hegemony that values
"accomplishment" over mirror gazing. The average
woman has forgotten her duty to microscopically scrutinize
every feature before leaving her home. Appallingly, many women
still do not own such essential beauty enhancing (or, depending
on the individual, ugliness minimizing) products as eyebrow
shellac, bicuspid bleach, and nipple stain, though benevolent
advertisers have long made women aware of the pressing need
for such items.

The average woman lacks the courage
to consider her features objectively. As her true friends
yearn to inform her, her face does not a pretty picture make.
However, a true friend never hesitates to interject loving
advice such as "Maybe that shade of red just isn't the
best for a woman of your sallow complexion," and "Something
about your face just doesn't look right to me." Please
think of this article as a true and loving friend.

For example, are you one of the
many women who have repeatedly failed to select the appropriate
shade of mascara? If your lashes are black, a rich mysterious
ebony will add even more drama. Yet, some unfortunates have
sparse dull lashes of the brown, blonde, or reddish variety.
Be honest. Are you one of them? Have you ever considered that
the dark mascara that so flatters the genetically gifted has
only succeeded in making you look like a phony tramp? Do you
really want people to think of you as a broken-down nymphomaniacal
bottle-blond in a moth-eaten raccoon coat out trolling for
Russian sailors to service? Of course you don't. That's why
you should wear brown mascara exclusively.

Lipstick is a universal cosmetic,
available to all. But such democratization has only led to
abuse. How often are the lips beneath the rose-tinted salve
luscious, dare I say noble, enough to merit its benefactions?
Be candid. You may be one of the very offenders I speak of.
Are your lips thin, perhaps mismatched? Are they creased and
shriveled? And you dare to emphasize such abominations with
eye-catching crimson while unemployed plastic surgeons hold
signs stating "Will inject silicone microbeads for food."
Selfish, selfish woman.

These same surgeons might be employed
to sculpt your nose into a less offensive shape. Ask yourself,
"Is my nose small, delicately curved, and almost imperceptible?"
Have you ever really been consoled by the assertion that your
Cyranic profile is "unique"? It is time to realize
that uniqueness needn't be an impediment to beauty. Your outsize
nose is an opportunity for more beauty, an engraved invitation
to the plastic surgeon's office. Sit down with your doctor
and be frank. He will be happy to make up an alphabetical
list of your flaws. Many doctors offer a multiple procedure
discount. Take advantage of it!

Should you be dying your hair?
Just between you and me, that brassy shade looks frightful.
It's not making you look young, only cheap and striving. I
must admit, though, it is preferable to that mouse color at
your roots. Still, blonde is not for everyone. There is good
reason why Sophia Loren and Elizabeth Taylor have never bleached
their hair. They are infinitely more beautiful as brunettes.
Of course, they are also infinitely more beautiful than you.

I hope, as this article closes,
that a new resolve has been stirring somewhere between your
sagging breasts. A good friend (yours truly) has tactfully
whispered in your ear. Now you are ready to face your reflection
and state, "My ugliness is truly offensive. My obliviousness
to this truth has been criminal. I resolve to change and will
devote the preponderance of my time, energy, and money to
correcting and/or camouflaging my numerous glaring deformities."
Only in this way will you be truly feminine. Remember, beauty
is its own reward.

Jessica Becht is currently sweltering in the state of Florida, where she has become quite intimate with election fiascos, hurricanes, and fire ants. When not shielding her alabaster complexion from the sun's brutal rays, she can be found strolling her baby about the neighborhood while silently mocking pink flamingo enthusiasts.