Tag Archives: what i want

Sitting alone in my parents living room, with the realization setting in that I have to be up in the next three hours to get ready for work, I play the next espiodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” This has been a continuing new obsession of mine. (Which tends to happen every summer) I become very obessed with watching TV shows on Netflix and this summer I have become sucked into “Everybody Loves Raymond”. This espiode I’m on is the one where its Ray’s and Debras 10th wedding aniversary. Debra wants to watch their wedding video, so they pop it in, everything seems to be going well and then, “BAM” a football game cuts in. Ray feels terriable for recording over their wedding video and he can’t get another copy, so he promises to renew their wedding vows. Ray then goes through putting together this wedding together by himself to have in their home and on the day of the wedding a few things goes wrong and Ray also realizes he forgets to write his own wedding vows. At this moment he goes on about how he complains how he ordered Lillies of the Valley but the flower guy messed up, then Debra say’s “You remembered my favorite flower.”

And it is in this moment I realize I want to be in love so badely.

I want someone to remember my favorite flower.

It is this moment, I miss love.

The missing growing into a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that I’m not even sure how to example yet, but missing love begins my obsession and hunger for other aspects of a relationship.

I miss:

Kisses up my shoulders, kissing my finger tips

Tight hugs

Those smiles only reserved for you

Someone holding me as I sleep

Someone to hold me as I cry from a shitty day

Someone who wants to know about my day

Someone who loves me

the butterflies in my stomach

the stares into eyes

the complments

The moments I smile when I think of him

the flowers

the ice cream dates

the hiking dates

the touch of a hand on my back

the moment he moves hair out of my face

someone who wants to take me out on a date

the moment I realize I am his world

moments of pure love

hand holding

I miss love so terribly. I miss love like I miss my home in California.

Sitting on a departing American Airlines flight that will be heading towards California in a matter of minutes, I look out the window. The terminal slowly moves out of view and my fingers curl over plastic arm rests, my heart races and only one thought comes to mind, “shit I should have had sex last night.” What follows can only be describe as the aftermath of a late night party foul. I continue to repeat in my mind, “well there goes sex for a while, and what were you thinking Sally!” With realization setting in, I begin to feel like a recovering heron addict.

I’m rethinking this whole “Closed for season.”

“Closed for Season” Basically means I’ve chosen to compare myself as hunting season. Or like one of my close friends pointed out could mean snow season for snowboarding, skiing, etc.

I’m at that point of the hunting season where everyone is not aloud to hunt. Which allows all the deer to mate, have little Bambi deers and live happily ever after…until Bambi’s mother gets her head blown off by “man” entering the forest. This metaphor seems to make sense up until the multiplying of deer and the head blown off is a bit much…

“Closed for Season” this where I’ve been the past three weeks. Well until Monday….

Confession number one: I had sex Monday night. With a previous hook-up from last fall. The random drunk hook-up, where I kind of remember. This time I remembered more…cool. This guy is definitly just a hook-up for me. We do get along, we are friends and we have a good time but this one is clearly and always will be just sex, which I’m %100 ok with. Why am I ok with just sex with this one? I don’t think I will ever really understand or answer this question clearly. I have no answer here.

Confession number two: I met up with another past hook-up Tuesday night. We didn’t have sex and that was definitely a struggle for me. Because this guy….oh hot damn does he know what to do. Also I’m pretty positive he could be reading this…..and I know I had sex with someone on Monday and didn’t have sex with you last night. I know exactly what you would say to me, so no need to say it. haha. (This is directed to you, “Damn your good at what your do, so don’t give me that, because it was really hard to not have sex and I can’t say I won’t when I get back to Peoria two months from now.”) haha

Why have a chosen to not have sex with certain people and ok with others?

Reason number one: The guy I slept with on Monday, like I’ve said before, he is just a hook up. I have no other conncetion then a hook-up from him.

Other guys: After the asshole and bruiser, I have been feeling very used.

(Used isn’t my favorite word in this instance, but it’s the best word to describe the situation.) More so after asshole but bruiser hasn’t left me much hope when it comes to guys too, but I thought that even if asshole and I hadn’t worked out, we would have still became friends. Of course he preferred to disappear all together.

This has left me filling used, slutty and very alone. Now left here with guys, that are friends as well but I carry the same fear of being used for sex. This is what I feel with this guy. I’m not saying a have any huge feelings for him, because I barley know him, but I have ended liking him more then a fuck and leave situation. Believe me, this was the last thing I ever imagenie would happen with this guy. Never even thought about sleeping with him. But I am, laying in his bed, in his shower making out and it has been a long time since I’ve enjoyed kissing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this turned on from kissing in a long time.

The fingers through my hair, the kissing of my neck. *Biggest turn on for me* And the kissing of my breast *yet another huge turn on* it’s been a long time since I’ve really just enjoyed these moments, this pre-sex bliss. Then came the moment I decided not to have sex with him. Simply I fear to be used again for sex. I want to know I matter more to someone, even if that is just a good friend.

Craving deep in my heart right now you be held, to matter to someone.

To see all my guy friends, the way they speak about their girlfriends, the way they speak about the woman they are seeing. Telling me how beautiful she is, how amazing the sex is, how hot she are, how sweet, loving, and how extraordinary talented and bright she is. Geez, I don’t think I have ever had a man say all those wonderful things to others about me or say all those wonderful things to my face.

That’s what I want.

I want to hear wonderful things about me:

About my eyes, hair, hands, freckles, back dimples, my finger prints

I know I am beautiful. I know I am talented beyond my wildest dreams. I know I am a sweet, nice girl. I know all these things. Sometimes though, a girl wants to hear it from a guy. Who will look at her so deeply that she feels like she is the only one in the room.

I want to be the only one in the room…

This is what I crave right now and this is why I have stopped myself, well most of the time from having sex with certain guys.

So…here I am. Sitting on an airplane thats headed back to California.

Finally realizing something else…this is the second time I’ve been back since my huge break-up with Vanllia thrilla and around April of last year is when this all started, when he started cheating on me with this other woman. This is when everything in my life kicked into first gear.

I am currently in the throes of working on numerous papers and studying for an exam that will be on Friday but I thought I would take some time out of my night to write a little bit on my blog. Especially with the thoughts flowing through my head at the moment.

I’ve officially been saying I’m “Closed for Season.” Meaning I’ve decided to not have anymore causal hook-ups. I’m closed for the summer. Going to take a break from sex and take away all the energy I use up on boys. Of course this is all easier said then done. Especially when there are definitely guys I have my eye on and would kill to be with. Then again I must remind myself do I want another hook up situation like the ass hole guy. Do I want my heart-broken again, do I want to feel the warmth of someone and watch that just simply disappear? I don’t know if I can handle that. Plus along with these issues, I also have the painful issue of understanding that I think a few people just want me for a fuck. Walls can be thin when people walk around in this world.

Which leads me to another thought as I sit on her my bed. I dream of moments. No joke I spelt in an extra hour today because I was dreaming of a magical date, a magical laying naked in bed, of course had no one in mind, so a fictional lover, but I have this day dreams a lot. Tonight my dream is someone will open my door run up to me and kiss me passionately and I will wake up to them laying besides me in the morning. Gosh, I really want someone to just step up to the plate and kiss me so hard and passionately.

I don’t believe that will happen anytime soon. A girl can dream right?

Going to bed tonight, hoping to have another romantic dream. These cute little dreams are what keep me going most nights and probably why I have been so calm and relax.

But damn do I crave having a man lay next to me in my bed with the fans breeze hitting our bodies. Him kissing my neck all the way down to my back dimples and me smiling into his eyes.

Quotation of the day: “It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel

For the majority of my dating life, up until now I have been a relationship kind of person. But I’m finding myself more and more naked, making out with a new flavor of the week each and every week. It’s getting to the point where it’s becoming harder for me to not only remember a guys names but for my friends as well. It’s gotten so bad that my one friend just calls each and every guy I’m seeing “David” Her logic is I will eventually date a David.

Now I don’t believe in Zodiac stuff at all, but I do think they are fun to read through. Also sometimes I read them and I’m like damn Zodiac sign teller you are kind of right. I do prefer Leo’s to Capricorns, how did you know!? Damn. Like I’ve previously stated in another blog, I’m a Gemini. Yeah, I know…you should run for the hills. hahaha I think Gemini’s are the badasses of all the signs. I’m just saying…we be some crazy mother fuckers.

I think this is the first time in my life where I feel like I’m not going to meet Mr. Right anytime soon. And I when I say feel, I mean I have this deep down intuition telling me it’s not going to happen anytime soon. A few weeks ago in my Linguistic class my professor asks the women in my class, “How many of you after you graduate would want to be married within five years. Every women in the class raised their hand but me. Cool. I don’t think I’m going to fall in love again until I get back home to California.

I’ve begin this new stage in my life, it’s called causal. I’m still trying to figure the happy medium of what causal means. Because I have a hard time trying to figure out how naked I should get.

Last night I went out to eat. As Sat there eating I realized something. Shit there are three people in this restaurant that have seen me naked. I also have this problem on campus from time to time too. I told my roommate weeks ago, “I wish I could go through my day without seeing the three guys on campus that I have fooled around with, is that so hard to ask for!” I wonder if when a guy that has seen me naked looks at me in clothes but see me naked, like they can picture me naked. But I kind of hate the word “causal” I think it is such an open ended word. I prefer the word “dating” Because I feel like “causal” leaves everything up to so many possibilities. Also I’m trying to figure out the happy medium of who to have sex with. Because I definitely don’t just want to give it to anyone that walks into my life.

Also I’m at an impasse of who exactly to trust. I have trust issues, great I have those now. So I’m not exactly sure who to believe and what they say is true, because I don’t want someone to take advantage of me or use me.

My past keeps coming back to me. I don’t know why or how this keeps happening. I mean I’m not helping the situations of my past by letting it in. I don’t think past relationship can be rekindled. I mean I tried to date my ex all over again last summer, and look where that got me. Plus they already had their chance with me. I’m just not sure how I really feel, I just feel this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“You have your wonderful memories,” people said later, as if memories were solace. Memories are not. Memories are by definition of times past, things gone. … Memories are what you no longer want to remember.” — Joan Didion

But regardless of dating/relationship/sex I need to be around people that know who they are and know where they are going. I need to be around people that have a life plan, that have a beautiful future.

I’m not sure what experiences I want to have yet.

I’m know I’m worth more then a one night stand. I know I’m worth a lot, maybe more then most men I’ve met can handle. That’s why I’m still single. I haven’t met a man yet that knows this, that thinks about my needs before their own. That sees me glowing and smiling. And even if there are men out there that see’s this, it doesn’t mean they can give me emotional what I need, and especially can talk to me on my level. I need someone who has the emotional capability loving everything so fiercely it can barley be contain. And when I mean everything, I don’t mean loving me so fiercely, of course love me but I’m more concerned with the love you have for your family, life, career, friends.

I’m starting to think I’m imitating to men. I don’t know. I love life so passionately and so openly. I’m very up front about my life, i.e., this blog says so much. I’m not ashamed about my sexual history and especially not ashamed to mention it all over this blog. I think it’s hard for some people to date me or for me especially date someone because I know exactly what I want.

I want to publish a book

I want to love so fiercely that it cannot be contain

I want to teach

I want to eat the best piece of cheesecake in the world

I want my dream job, my dream is waiting for me back home

I want to go to every National park in the U.S.

I want to learn sign language

I want my Learning disability to mean nothing one day

I want to find a book that changes my soul again

I want to see Paul McCartney live on stage

I want to tell my story

A dear friend said this once to me when I was crying:

Everyone else shoots for the stars, knowing that if they don’t get to the stars they will at least hit the moon, but you, you shoot for the moon and end up in the stars.”

I look back at my life and I see this to be true, this is how I’ve always been. I sell myself short, in many aspects in my life. I am so powerful, so resilient, beautiful, caring, passionate, soulful.

I can see why I’m single. Because who in my life can give me what I deserve .

So I’m going to stick with Causal for the time being, until someone has their life together and can handle what I have to offer.