Worst. Movie. Ever. (Of the Week)

Every Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers, report live via email from an A.M. screening of what we believe will be the most horrible thing Hollywood has foisted on an unexpecting and undeserving American populace. It's like you're right there suffering with them. Except you're not.

This week: Alex Pappademas and Kevin "The Monger" Sintumuang suffer through New Moon while Twihard Raha Naddaf thoroughly enjoys every minute of the Twilight sequel.

RAHA NADDAF: Monger, I dare you to yell "team Edward!" into the audience.
KEVIN SINTUMUANG: Huh? I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying because I'm not a teenage girl.
NADDAF: I would just like to establish the fact that I am a twihard. My sole purpose here is to keep you guys in line. This is a fine film, filled with unbelievably dreamy actors. If you don't like this, then you don't like America.
ALEX PAPPADEMAS: Raha started using her superhigh Pattinson voice on the way over here. It's TWILIGHT: THE SQUEAKUEL.
NADDAF: I hate you guys already. And the movie hasn't started yet.
PAPPADEMAS: It's on. Edward looks sparklier this time.
SINTUMUANG: Alex, I think Raha is going to explode.
PAPPADEMAS: Jacob is wearing Wayne Campbell's wig. Schwing!
PAPPADEMAS: I forgot how much I enjoy Kristen Stewart's it-hurts-to-act intensity. And the whole creepyface Cullen family.
SINTUMUANG: It's a battle of the sexy under-actors!
PAPPADEMAS: I wish there was more exposition. I don't understand if the Voltrons are going to be important.
SINTUMUANG: Do vampires find Count Chocula offensive?
PAPPADEMAS: Only gay vampires.

PAPPADEMAS: Uh oh. He's giving her the old IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME BECAUSE I DRINK BLOOD speech.
NADDAF: Tell me you're both feeling something in this moment. Emotions are high, her heart is broken...
PAPPADEMAS: I'm rooting for the Teenwolf.
SINTUMUANG: I want to see some Vampire kung fu.
SINTUMUANG: Now Bella's dad is threatening to take her to Jacksonville to live with her mother. Maybe she'll fall in love with a chupacabra.
PAPPADEMAS: Or a Creature From the Black Lagoon! This needs to happen.
PAPPADEMAS: Pattinson appears to her in hologram form. Apparently all vampires have the same powers as Will.I.Am.
NADDAF: Uh, her heart is projecting him, making her see his physical form. Duh.
NADDAF: Aw yes, the scene where the wolf takes his shit off for the first time.
PAPPADEMAS: First rule of Werewolf Club: There are no shirts in Werewolf Club.
SINTUMUANG: Someone's been hitting the AB ROLLER!
NADDAF: Is that an eight-pack?
PAPPADEMAS: His ABS have abs.
PAPPADEMAS: I'm glad we're getting this long series of scenes about Bella deciding to go to a movie, talking about which movie to go to, going to see it and then standing in the lobby talking to Jacob. I know the kids would get mad if Chris Weitz hadn't shot all 6000 pages of the book, but this is the slowest movie about an adrenaline junkie ever made.
SINTUMUANG: They're going to see a fake movie called FACE PUNCH. They need to make that. It should be followed by ASS KICK and BALL PILEDRIVER.
PAPPADEMAS: I'm going to be disappointed if BALL PILEDRIVER is not exactly like the book.
NADDAF: Jacob's wig is finally gone! Good. It was making me think of bedbugs.
PAPPADEMAS: Bella: "You cut your hair off and got a tattoo?" Jacob: "Yes. My manager at Hollister made me do it when I got hired as Shirtless Cologne Boy."
NADDAF: Enter Wolves!
PAPPADEMAS: "Guess the wolf's outta the bag." WAAP WAAMP WAAAAAH.
PAPPADEMAS: NEW MOON I'M HAPPY FOR YOU IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT THE NEVERENDING STORY HAD ONE OF THE BEST FAKE-LOOKING WOLVES OF ALL TIME!
NADDAF: Cue Thom Yorke!
PAPPADEMAS: PACKT LIKE VAMPIREZ IN A CRUSHED TIN COFFIN
SINTUMUANG: I am as excited about this track as Raha is with Pattinson. MAN SQUEAL!! MAN SQUEAL!!! Now I needs some VAMPIRE KUNG FU!
PAPPADEMAS: Bella just cliff dived so she could see Edward. God, Bella is a fucking idiot.
NADDAF: Don't push it, Papp.
PAPPADEMAS: I just hate everything about the message of these movies. They're about a masochist who's constantly trying to kill herself so dudes will save her. It's effed up.
SINTUMUANG: Plus, werewolves are so much cooler than vampires. So ab-alicious by day, so cuddly at night. SQUEAL!
PAPPADEMAS: Also holy Latter-Day Saints this movie is long. Make with the Italy already!
NADDAF: Just look into his abs.
SINTUMUANG: Fucked up. Cullen thinks Bella is dead and now he's checking himself into the Italian Vampire Suicide Clinic.
NADDAF: Wait, Virgin America doesn't fly internationally, does it?
PAPPADEMAS: Of course Bella flew Virgin.
PAPPADEMAS: Kevin, during this tender Edward/Bella reunion scene, I want to let you know that Idris Elba has joined the cast of THOR. Have I mentioned that this movie is way too long? Not all of us are immortal, Chris Weitz!
SINTUMUANG: Too much dialog. Not enough vampire kung fu. So bored. So who's playing Thor in that Thor movie?