Not the expert mom with all the answers...the mom who can't stop looking for them.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Looking for Me

Editorial Note: This is a repost of a blog that I wrote a few months ago. Now that I have Watered The Garden of my Marriage, which by the way is a continual work-in-progress, it's time for me to get back to me. Boy do I miss my Yoga practice and my Zumba classes. I will be back soon to my writing. Right now, I'm still recuperating from an awful cold and the kids are on Spring Break! I really can't think straight enough to write a post that would make any sense. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this...

Have you seen my identity? I've been looking for it everywhere...I know I used to have one, but I can't seem to find it anywhere.

Once upon a time...I was a little girl who wanted desperately to be a wife and a mother. I wanted to live in a suburb, where my children would feel safe, have good schools, and a nice home to live in. I wanted to live the "Cosby" life -with a Mom and a Dad raising the children together. We would share lots of laughter. I would give them all the best of everything...all of the things that I grew up without. This would include giving them the best of myself and as much attention as they could want or need. Well...you know what they say, "Be Careful what you ask for."

As a young woman...I was very independent. I had no choice in the matter really. Growing up with a single mom meant my options for support were limited. If I wanted a college education...I had to figure out a way to go get it, and make sure it was paid for. If I wanted a car...I had to buy it. If I wanted an apartment and furniture...I had to make it happen.

I am an extremely social person. I have a lifetime worth of friends that now live all over the country. Most of them I left behind in southern California. The phone was always ringing. There was always a party, a dinner, a lunch, a trip to go on.

I still have friends who were my neighbors when I was in the 2nd grade. I have close friends from middle and high school, friends I worked with, friends I met from other friends. Once you become my friend, you're usually in for life, this includes most boyfriends.
In fact, it wasn't until I moved to Texas where I had the first occasion to actually loose friends. Some women that I met here were obviously not as sincere as I am. Then too...when you have extremely high maintenance children, some people just don't know what to do with that. But hey...that's their loss.

When you become a mother of special needs children...that kind of becomes WHO YOU ARE. It's so consuming. You are constantly on call...consistently on edge. You work tirelessly to help them get the support that they need, putting out fires, lighting fires underneath them, trying to prevent the next meltdown, calming the meltdowns that eventually will come.

When I have the occasion to spend a quiet moment alone I find myself asking, "Who the heck are you? What happened to that fun, independent, social butterfly, life of the party, traveling-the-world, L.A. girl? Where did she go?" How did I end up here in the suburbs of Austin, Texas? I don't even LIKE Texas! (Sorry you Texas lovers). As it turns out, I don't really like suburbs all that much. I have to be honest. I'm a city-girl at heart.

Will she ever resurface? Will I find her again? Or is she a complete gonner? Sayanara! Adios! Good-bye!

Every once in a while...she comes back to life. A few years ago...she went to Italy and she really came alive. Occasionally, she will take a trip to L.A....sans children and husband. She will tread on old stomping grounds, party with with old friends and family. She exhales with a knowing familiarity.

I find her most often in my dreams. She is always in Los Angeles in these reveries. She may be married, she may have children, but never...ever...is she in Texas.

My friend sent me a blessing today about creating a Bucket List which, doesn't necessarily have to be about places you'll go, or things you will do. It can be about people you want to meet and spend time with creating lasting memories. I would like to spend time with the real me again...not Karen, the mother, or the wife, but Karen the woman. I think she will be really good company.