SMALL ANCHORS

i am weary.

PUBLISHED: December 8, 2014

as time has past, as time does… it’s closing in on 2 years of being a single momma to my two sweet children.

2 weary years.

2 years of battling for safety. 2 years begging God for a hedge of protection around us. 2 years of weary, long, exhausting days full of long to-do lists that never seem to get fully crossed off. 2 years seeking comfort, safety, refuge and strength in a God i have been viciously & wrongfully angry with.

extreme levels of weariness that have caused illness for days, pounding headaches, difficulty focusing, joint pain brought on by my autoimmune disorder, stress in ways i had never experienced, anxiousness.

i remember crying out to God in the darkness of my room while my children were in school, begging for the pain to subside before they got off the bus. unable to eat, work, function. small bits of light were deafening. i lay awake for hours, restlessly seeking warmth and comfort and a quiet mind to rest. i was begging God to give me rest.

that day & the next, He did.

rest forced by God. to seek Him. no to-do list to cross off. no phone calls. no emails.

rest.

after 2 long difficult days of experiencing an intense, unrelenting migraine… 2 days of begging God to heal me. He did.

& i found peace in knowing that God could intervene at any moment. but He knew i needed to rest my body and my mind followed.

there are days i forget to smile.

each day is just another day on permanent repeat. non-school days can be difficult with two small children needing my individualized attention.

these are choices. i have been through months where i felt the choice was stripped from me and i tried to feverishly get through the day so i could rest my eyes for a few hours awaiting the gentle alarm to repeat another hard day.

but, these are choices.

even with the chaos. the lawyer visits and court preparation. having my character torn down. experiencing self-doubt as i struggle with self-worth. even when the world seems to be swallowing me whole and i lose site of God’s grace. even through the downtrodden, difficult emotional exhaustion. the mental strain. the physical side effects of weariness.

God is good. He provides. all He asks is for us to simply “Come…”

i can choose to smile. i can choose to find contentment. i can choose to be fulfilled by a God that is gracious and loving and perfect. i don’t believe that God is vindictive or testing us in this sin-filled world… i do believe that He can elect to intervene, or not.

but God never promised an easy road as a Christian. He never guaranteed to protect us from pain or heartache while on earth.

HE IS I AM. He is unchanging. He is all knowing. He is worthy of our praise.

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Comments

The words to the poem “footprints in the sand” came to mind as I read your post.
When I looked there was only one set of footprints because he carried me. He will continue to carry you. You are his precious child.
mom

I miss you! Have you ever read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader? (Narnia Chronicles, C.S. Lewis). The kids would probably love them all, but my favorite book is VDT… the scene where Eustace turns into a beastly dragon. He works and works to remove the horrible dragon skin, and of course, only Aslan can do it. And the surgery is excruciatingly PAINFUL. The first time that I read that story out loud to the kids, I began to weep and couldn’t continue because I was so choked up. I saw myself in Eustace…living in my wretched dragon skin that only my King could rip off.

We all live in dragon skins, (and unfortunately some people never stop being beastly and dragonish!!) but praise God, you WANT his touch! Every day you’re looking more and more like your King…free to love, able to forgive, and available to comfort other women who will one day walk the same dreadful path that you are walking. Thank you for your transparency, friend. I know it hurts, and you’re exhausted, but you’re not alone. You are loved!!! And I say it again, I miss YOU!

One of my favorite song lyrics is still “Blessed be Your Name…when I’m found in the desert place, though I walk through the Wilderness, Blessed be Your name.” This post reminds me of it. Even in trials, He is worthy to be praised. Proud of you sweet Aimee. Fight the good fight. Xoxo

My dear, you’ve been in my prayers. I am so terribly sorry for your struggles, but I know God is walking with you and you will come out on the other side stronger than ever. Sending love and hugs to you and yours.
xo Heidi