Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Sonic the Hedgehog

Put a Ring On It

About Me: See me? Now I'm over here! And now I'm behind you! That...doesn't really come across in text, but you get the idea. I'm one of gaming's most beloved icons, because I did some great things about 20 years ago. I'm lucky I'm a video game character and not an actor or musician, because I can only imagine what kind of degrading reality show I'd be banking on to give me a paycheck at this point. But things aren't so bad; I've still got my health, my speed, and my army of over fifty trillion supporting characters...three of which people actually like. I'm looking for a girl who can keep up, and won't make fun of me for driving a car even though I can clearly run much faster.

Location: Varying Quality Zone

Ethnicity: Hedgehog

Hair: Blue

Eyes: Blurry

Occupation: Fastest thing alive

I would like to meet: A human female that I could kiss on the mouth because everyone would think that's very romantic and not the least bit troubling at all.

I like to play the following sports: Spinball, Racing, Disappointing

My exercise regime consists of: Standing around for a long time waiting for tiny platforms to float into place so that I can very gently hop across them, which you'd think would kind of defeat the purpose of sending the World's Fastest Anything out on this mission but, hey, it gets me out of the house.

My favourite music: Michael Jackson, The Animals, The Spin Doctors, The Promise Ring...anything but whoever wrote that stupid "I Am the Eggman" song.

My favourite movies: The Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, The Fast and the Furious: Hydrocity Zone Drift, The Fast and the Furious 4: Episode One, which is the only part you can watch if you bought a Wii.

My favourite TV shows: Pretty much anything from 2005 and 2007. Those were the true golden years of television. In fact, I kind of like to pretend 2006 never happened.

My dream is to: Zap to the extreme.

On a first date I'd like to: Be redesigned over and over again until I'm finally something nobody likes. What do you mean that's a bad idea?

@CaptainSquidLittle Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

@mozzy1We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.