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just like most of the people affected by this disease, its all because of TRUST... thinking and trusting them that they are clean.

i am a smart, and very active kid when i was studying. but to my surprise... i wasnt smart at all for not protecting myself. (BTW. im a discreet gay)i was feeling low way back in jan this year. had some shots of tequila with friends that resulted to me having unprotected sex with someone i barely knew. woke up wasted and the same thing happened the next day. he came inside me and i was too dumb by allowing it to happen.then i hooked up with someone i know and we had protected sex at first but it got so uncomfortable that we had to remove the rubber. he was kind enough to pull it out right before ejaculating. i developed an exudative state of tonsillopharyngitis(inflamed tonsils with pus), flu like symptoms, the same banana... thinking that it was seroconversion. i had my second hiv screening by then and it came out negative. ( twas possible that my body hasnt produced enough antibody yet at that time) so my life went on and my friend introduced someone to me he works in a ship and we just had oral sex for less than 5 minutes. he leaves the country every six months and has to undergo medical exams in order to work. so i must say he's clean.too tired of whats going on. i decided to meet some and be monogamous. i met someone by march 13 and weve been together for 8 months now. we had sex. thinking that both of us are clean we decided to make love the natural way "UNPROTECTED" then by april i developed the same symptoms and a rash on my face, trunk and arms. thinking it was just an allergic reaction to something. same rash eruptions by may. then everything seemed to be ok until by last week of july or early august. i had diarrhea and never had a formed stool since then. the problem is in my intestines since i am not absorbing the fluids in my stool making it watery. then my seborrheic dermatitis got berserk and my derma said that it was a severe case. i knew that it will only get severe when ones immune body isnt functioning well. then to my surprise. i noticed some hairy patches on the sides of my tongue. could be orall hairy leukoplakia. with these. i gathered all my courage to have my third HIV screening. if you are negative they will just give you the result form indicating that you are unreactive. wishing that the same thing will happen during my first two screening, i waited anxiously then they asked me to go to the laboratory for my result. right there and then i knew somethings not right. the med tech said that my result has to be confirmed first. (i knew that it was reactive) heres my timeline.oct 28 (wed) - blood extraction oct 29 (thurs)- release dateoct 31st (sat)- confirmatory (deferred due to holiday)nov 15 (sun)-confirmatorynov 16-20 - excruciating time for waiting.the lab tech said that the confirmatory will be deferred due to holiday so ive got to wait from oct 29-nov 20. for three weeks

and these have been that most dreaded weeks of my life. its nov 16 already so ive got to wait till the 20th for the news. telling me that i am positive. i cried so hard during the 3 weeks of waiting. talked to my lover bout it. and he was too supportive and positive that im ok. that something just went wrong with the diagnostic procedure. he even gets mad when i am talking about it. he still believes that im fine despite what i am exp. right now.

i cried so hard and thinking to commit suicide. it was very easy for me to inject myself with potassium chloride. since i am a trainee in one of the hospitals in manila. and i always check the emergency cart for the completeness of the emergency drugs. it was easy for me to get a vial of KCL and inject it directly via IVPush... its just that my conscience says no.

i am too low right now. thinking if i still have a future. just like many nurses, i too wish to seek for greener pasture in the US or other country to help my family. my parents are too proud of me and are expecting so much from me. i couldnt tell my mom due to her heart condition. it will really break her heart.

i know i can still do something. i know something is still store for me. i just dont know how to start and i need help. i need your support and enlightenment.

Welcome to the forums, you will find the guys here a real support when you need them..they are never too busy to advise you with any questions you have.

Reaction to the results is different for everyone, but over time you will find a way of coping with the virus that suits you and it might be quite different from how others deal with it.

No one here will ever tell you it's easy, it's OK to get angry or scared but don't let it take over your life, stress is natural it can actually help some of us get through certain situations but excessive stress can cause you physical symptoms and can damage your immune system further, just find ways to manage any stress you may be feeling, learn to relax and listen to your body, and of course long with HIV comes anxiety, one way of tackling this is through information, gaining confidence in yourself and making informed decisions about your future.

Support is very important and you can get this from a qualified ID doctor , family and friend that you trust and there are many support organizations out there...just make sure whoever you discuss this with is sympathetic,supporting and non judgmental about your HIV status.

Most important of all you have to remember that being HIV+ does not top you from being the person you were before your diagnosis.

As for going to America to work as a Health Care Worker I don't think will happen any time soon but there are a lot of other wonderful parts of the world where you can work..good luck with your studies, I know it's hard but try not to let this take over your life...and don't forget if you need help just sing out and someone will be here for you.

your words are so encouraging and very helpful in my healing process. ive read your reply over and over again to make me feel that someone really cares. i believe that God put us in this situation for a reason. i believe we are in a mission. and that is to save many souls that this virus plans to destroy. im in the process of picking up every piece of my self and i know that ill make it.

afterall i was born a fighter and i never plan to let this consume me. (though it is indeed consuming me. "toinkz") got no other choice but to fight it.

i just need to take it one at a time. hour after another, day after day, then weeks and months. with friends like you. i know it'll be a lot easier than fighting it alone.

I'm not sure from what you've written, but has your positive antibody test been confirmed with a Western Blot? It looks to me like you haven't yet had the WB results. Hang in there, false positives can and do happen all the time on the antibody tests. You will not be considered hiv positive until you've had WB confirmation.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

As you have not yet been confirmed as hiv positive, I'd like to ask you to post only in this thread until you know for sure one way or the other. We always ask this of people who have not been confirmed. Thanks.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

today is the day that i lived again.nov. 21, 2009-i just got my confirmatory test result and it says that i am HIV positivei didnt even shed a tear when the doc said that im positive.i guess ive accepted that fact already. i was so calm and serene she was talking to me.

but then there's still a part of me thats denying it. i checked the results over and over again to check if something may have gone wrong. i can say that 5% of me hasnt accepted it yet. i think this is normal.

i wish that everything will be fine. i wish to live a longer life. i wish to see my nephews and nieces grow up. they are my babies afterall.i wish that everything will be ok. i wish, and i pray to God for support, wisdom and enlightenment,

btw. im looking forward for some support group here in manila, philippines. if you happen to know one. i'd be delighted for posting that here.

I guess I can officially welcome you to the forums now. And congratulations on your "rebirth", that's a good attitude to have.

I totally understand the need or want to help other people "right now", but right now, the main person you need to be helping is YOU. It's very early days for you and you'll be able to do more good for others in the long run if you work on your own hiv foundation first, by which I mean learning all the basics and attending to your own health, both mental and physical. Once you've built yourself a good, solid foundation or base, then you will be in a good position to help and advocate for others. Don't rush things, you've got plenty of time. Being a nurse, you're well placed to eventually do this kind of work, but make sure YOU are ok first. OK?

Hang in there and be sure to let us know what your first labs look like.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

i didnt even shed a tear when the doctor said that i was positive.....i think thats my purpose right now. to educate and help other people about this disease and about HIV/AIDS' real score....i died last oct 29 - when i found out that i was reactive and lived again this day nov. 21st. -live to start a new life.

Wow, I so greatly admire your attitude!

I wish you all the best as you continue in your new life, and look forward to hearing more from you here in these forums.

hwy11poz

I wish you all the best as you continue in your new life, and look forward to hearing more from you here in these forums.

Mikee, I want to echo Nestor's sentiments. I love your attitude, and also look forward to hearing more from you.

Just having been found diagnosed as HIV+ a few weeks ago, I can tell you that I have moments of anxiety, but the close friends I have chosen to tell have been really patient and supportive as I tell them what I am learning and how I am feeling. I also am so glad to have found these forums; the knowledge, wisdom, and support here are amazing.

though im a nurse. i think. i still need to learn more about this. i realised i still need more information about it. you're right i have to condition my self first, i got to be sound and stable before helping others.

waking up this morning was a bit emotional. waking up on the first day of being a confirmed positive.im not afraid of the disease or of dying. its just that i want to see my nephews and nieces grow up and have families. before i die. my tears couldn't help falling. great thing, my partner is so supportive. and we set an appointment already with our ID doc. and my partner wishes to be checked as well.

i wish to start treatment right away. since my dermatitis got worse, im having diarrhea for almost 4 months now. and i lost a tremendous amount of weight. my head hurts from time to time as well..i wish to be evaluated right away and start treatment.

good thing ARVs are given for free here in our country. i just dont know if until when. i also checked on possible support groups here in our country. and ill be calling them on monday to ask for information.

things happened so fast and a part of me is still in disbelief but i got to press on and move forward

definitely, ill update you about my labs and numbers.-----------------------

nestor

thank you for dropping by.knowing that someone admires my courage and optimism makes the load a lot lighter. thank so much for nestor.

dont worry ill keep posting here for the rest of my life. keep in touch nestor.

-----------------hello there hwy11poz,

i know how difficult it is to live the first few days/weeks of being positive. but then theres no other choice but to get up and move forward. we're not "hero nakamura" to control the time-space continuum. hehehe. we cant manipulate time and go back to being hiv negative.

lets just take all the lessons from our mistakes and use it to empower other people. especially the youth.

i myself is having a bit of set backs, but i am fighting it. i believe we cant eliminate the moment where we wish to go back and correct the mistakes weve done. i believe its human nature. i believe even in my fifth or 10th year anniversary, a day or two will come when i'll be wishing that everythings just a dream.

i just wish that God will use all the medical people and researchers as intruments in developing and giving us the cure.

and hell yeah..., this forum is amazing. if i havent found this site, id definitely still be lost in space. i havent told anybody yet except for my partner who has been supportive and patient to me.this site helps me in lessening the burden. this is where i can express myself well, all my qualms ard worries. and with the sound advices and replies from the moderators and from other people... getting through the hardest part of being hiv positive will be easier.

welcome...it sounds like you're on the right track. i'm 3 months into this and still think about being poz everyday when i lay down & when i awaken. those are my most introspective points. i realize that these moments too, shall pass. keep your head high and as ann said, educate and take care of yourself. i too am in the medical field, but being diagnosed has made me realize how ignorant i was to so many aspects of this disease. we're all students here, and as always in life, when one door closes another opens...

i woke up this morning still with disbelief of what has happened to me. i keep questioning who might had given me this virus.i still feel lost and so vulnerable about it. living here in our country is a lot different than living in western countries.im not even sure if ill make it for another 10 or 20 years. even when im in medication. (though i havent started yet)

i just want to keep this a secret for now. even to my family. i know that they'll have a difficulty accepting this news. i really dont know. im so confused. afraid of whats going to happen to me. im scared.

though i know that the only way is to move forward. im living my life as normal as possible.

im attending my graduate school right now. and i do have 21 units already. 15 units to go. before being a master of arts in nursing degree holder. phew...i havent talked to any doctor yet. our appointment for today was cancelled. i talked to a our country's nurse epidemiologist already and he'll set an appointment with me next week. he said that he'll be helping me get through this.

im getting frustrated as well since nobody from my country whom i've sent an IM replied. i dont know if they're so busy or what.

i feel like im shattered into pieces. - i guess its human nature. i dont think that someone will celebrate right after being diagnosed right?i guess what im feeling right now is included in the process.

but then in the end. i know everything will be ok.everything will be as normal as before.i know i'll make it. i know who i am.im optimistic. i do have a very strong personality. i know i can make it.I WILL MAKE IT!!!

pls. keep replying on me. i badly needed some encouragement and wisdom these times. good thing i was able to find this site. if not, i might be a crazy dude right now. haha.lets keep chatting.

lets keep living.

-------hi there max,

i agree with what you said.i used to be the best in my class and one of the brightest in my batch about medical stuff way back in college. and at this moment, i found out that hell.. im ignorant as a kid when it comes to this disease. we certainly are all students in here. some are just batches ahead. lets just consider ourselves as naive freshmen in HIV/AIDS university. haha

seriously speaking im still scared and lost.things happened so fast.

i cant imagine my dreams to vanish just like that. its like a "poof, its koko krunch" thing. hehebut this doesnt mean that im a dude without dreams already, its just need some modification.haha.anyway im still 22 and i believe i still got a long way to go.

Yes, you will be ok. Just take one day at a time. Keep up with your studies too, don't let this virus interfere with your dreams. Don't forget that we all go through this rollercoaster of emotion period in the early days and it does pass and get better. Like I said, take things one day at a time - one hour at a time if need be.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Mikee, I'm sorry to hear you are poz. It's good that you got tested and good that you found this site. The road ahead will be challenging at times so it's important for you to build your support network.

Make sure to have your numbers checked and then you and your doctor can determine what treatment is right for you and when it is appropriate.

Best Regards,-Brian

Logged

Don't obsess over the wrong things. Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion. It's about getting out there and enjoying it. I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

hello again everyone.its been a week already since i received my confirmatory result.indeed, my life has been a roller coaster, a crazy one actually. but know what... ive learned something. no matter how hard i think about it and deal with it. life still goes on and on and on.my life has been the same generally, regardless of the symptoms that i am experiencing. this only means that the world wont stop once u get diagnosed. and its just a matter of choice if you will deal with it positively or pessimisticly...its easier said than done but then we have to choose which manner of dealing this is best for us.still the same. i wake up each day with some disbelief of what has happened to me. i know this will pass. as ann said. i have to take it one day at a time or an hour at a time if need be.we'll thats what im doing. and its helping me at some point.

being positive does not take away our right to sing, dance, talk, cry, laugh and love. afterall we're still the same persons before our diagnosis. or maybe, a better one.

right after my screening results says its reactive. i actually lost the will to live. i thought of taking heart medications to to stop my heart beat or use KCL and inject it to my vein directly. but then, my conscience said no. and im not the suicidal type in the first place. then i stumbled iinto this site. read so many stories of surival. each story gave mehope that life still goes on after being positive. Life MUST go on.

i know that my original dreams vanished in thin ar. yet, this wont stop me from dreaming more and making these dreams into reality. iknow i can do this.

i will still suceed, i will still trave the world, and see the statue of liberty, the grand canyon, niagara falls, the monalisa, etc. i know i can still bring my parents to those places before i die.

i can do this, i will survive this, i can and I WILL FIGHT for my life and my dreams.this wont stop me.

No problem - I've done it. I was thinking about doing it the other day when you first posted it, but for some obscure reason which I no longer remember, I didn't do it. I probably got distracted by something shiny.

And you're right, Mikee, life does go on post-diagnosis. I'm glad you didn't kill or harm yourself, I'm sure you've got plenty of people in your life who love you and depend on you being there for them. I think you've got a lot to offer and as we've discussed before, you being a nurse will give you opportunities to help other positive people. I'm glad you decided to stick around. Keep your chin up!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

i'm glad that you used the word "modified" when it comes to describing your life now. your dreams haven't been squelched...it's just that the road direction has changed a little off course. trust me, i know what you're feeling, but i have been doing much soul searching these past few months. i realized that i didn't lose my dreams at all. aside from a virus, i am still the same person with the same goals & aspirations. you are too. life is full of challenges for most people and yeah, this is kind of the ultimate one. but with educating ourselves about the disease, keeping healthy and maintaining a good attitude, we're that much closer to succeeding this new challenge as best we can. keep moving forward, man.

good evening. its been a while since i posted again in my thread. grad school has been so crazy recently..

anyway...how's everybody doing?

hi there max123, thanks for sharing some inputs regarding my thoughts last time. i so agree with what you said. im happy that my weee moments have subsided a bit. gradually regaining it all. im getting used to waking up in the morning without thinking that i am positive. i know this is a good sign. right?

ive talked to my friend awhile a go. we chatted and shes positive as well. she's on medication. sustiva and zidu/lami combo.like any other, shes scared that the virus will get resistant to it so shes taking it religiously. i also shared my sentiments with her. thats what im fearing once i started taking meds.

she said that here in our country, the line of treatment is upto the 3rd level only. if u developed resistance. u just got to wait until u die. too sad but thats reality she said. i wish that more and more drugs will be developed sooner to prevent this. and pharma companys should reach out to us by subsidizing a portion of the price. this may sound too far fetch but then, im stilll hoping.

regarding my life. im starting to regain my motivation and rebuild my dreams. i know i can do it wth Gods help. i am always ambivalent. happy yet fears something about this disease. megasept told me that fears must be replaced by information so that we wont be too overwhelemd about this disease and thats what i am doing. same as what you said max, we have to educated our selves. and after ive completely mend my self again. i will be an agent of information regarding this disease. i will help educate people especialy the youth who are getting more impacted by hiv nowadays.

but i have to start first with my self. and thats my business for now.----------

thank you hotpuppy and inchlingblue for your messages. u are now a big part of my support system. thank you and im lucky to have known you through this site.

hot puppy aka brian. yep ill be meeting the doctor this wednesday for my first labs. and hoping to have treatment right away since im havng diarrhea for 4 months already and rashes are flaring up on my arms and face every now and then. my OHL irritates me too when i see it everytime i brush my teeth.just dx ths nov 29. nd infected by jan this year.(am i a fast progressor?)good thing is consultation and drugs are for free. the doctor that ill be meeting is the one handling hiv cases in one of the Infectious/Communicable diseases hospitals here in the philippines, i wish both of us will have a blast.

inchlingblue; thanks for the support and encouragement.i know everything will be fine. and with your help and support i know i will survive this...

i visited my ID doctor yesterday and she told me that my lab results came back already.

were both shocked to know that my cd4 count is -66- yes just 66 with the fact that i have been infected by the virus in less than a year only... rare case but not unheard of as she mentioned.i was still negative last jan of this year.

and now, im feeling a little sad about it. she started me with lamivudine/zidovudine combo and nevirapine.im afraid of the rash from nevirapine. ive seen patients who developed rashes all over thier body. and im afraid to developed it.

im a little depressed with my cd4 and my vl is still pending.

i just hope that it will kick high next 3 months or 6 months.

guys a little help or advise? ill be delighted to hear ur powerful words ofwisdom.

agreed, that is a low cd4 considering that you think that you became infected only 9 months ago. i've read that our numbers can bounce around alot until our bodies "stabilize" (especially during the first year of infection), so hang in there. do you know what your cd4% is?

being a newbie myself, i don't have a lot of experienced answers for you regarding all of this, but several things do come to mind that i'll throw out there which imo, are important for you to immediately follow up with your doctor about:

genotyping or resistance testing is important to assess any potential hiv medication resistances.bactrim or similar antibiotic may be warranted to prophylactically guard you from pcp or other ois.

also, are the meds that you mentioned being chosen because of their availability in your country? the newer combos may have less potential side effects...something worth further discussing with your doc.

wishing you the best and hoping that you get all of the answers that you seek here on the forum.

Overall you should do fine. As far as minimizing the chances of Nevirapine rash, have you read the dosing recommendations on AIDSmeds.com (link below)?

The important thing now is to get your VL down to undetectable and your CD4s higher. Once you have achieved that, maybe you can look into other combos that might be slightly better in terms of long-term side effects. AZT is good but has been linked to higher chance of lipoatrophy, although many people have taken it without problems.

I think you have Kivexa (Epzicom) in your country, right? That, along with a PI such as Reyataz might be good. You are already on one of the components of Kivexa, lamivudine. This is just a suggestion, to be discussed with your doctor if you feel you want to switch.

Your combo is a good one in terms of efficacy so you should respond nicely so take things one step at a time.

max's suggestion about Bactrim is a good one. Here in the US it's part of the CDC guidelines to use it (or an alternative if a person is allergic) as prophylaxis against PCP when CD4s are below 200.

Hi Mikee, sorry to hear your first CD4 result is so low, I know it must be scary for you. However, it's not all that unusual for a person to have very low CD4s in the first year of infection, especially in the first months when the VL might be very, very high. While it might not be something that's commonly caught (after all, many more people don't find out about their infection until sometime after the first year) it can and does happen. Low CD4s during early infection will often improve by themselves.

Hang in there. Given the newness of your infection, you are very likely to experience a big increase in your CD4s once you're on treatment. And good luck with that - hopefully you won't experience any side-effects.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Hi Mikee. Although of little solice, what you are going through is quite natural and expected even. As other brave posters have said, or perhaps as you have read, it will get better.

Your CD4 count will rise and you will be OK! It's important to your overall well being that you maintain a positive outlook on life. It's easy to let this nasty bastard of a bug get you down but YOU ARE MUCH MORE THEN HIV! Don't let it consume you.

God, I miss you so much. i tried logging on our site but it keeps on giving me a "page cant be found error" in all pcs and dsl that ive tried? had there been any maintenance before? anyway. im happy that i am able to check on you guys.

Happy new year btw. Hope everyone had a blast.

my christmas and my new year was great. the usual celebration of a usual Pinoy Family.anyway. i meet many people who are hiv positive. heared so many stories. scary yet inspiring. and im now feeling the reality of this condition, that life still goes on as usual. i also have my core group and i consider them as my support system. and im starting to love them.

after 3days of nevirapine. i developed some rash. so i stopped it on my foruth day. it happened that my ID is out of the country for the holidays until next week. good thing another ID doctor was attending this morning so i went to the hospital and have my meds replaced. he put mo on combivir and sustiva combo. this will be my 14th day of combivir and my day 1 of sustiva. im hoping that this will be the right combination for me.

thanks wildcatCC, Ann, InchlingBlue and Max 123 for your encouragement... you guys rock. this site and ofcourse the people in here helped me so much to move on and live a normal life.i know ill be fine.

glad to hear that you are well, that your holidays were great & that the new meds combo is more tolerable. i'm hoping that your progress with it continues and that your next blood draws show improvement.

it's also good to hear that you're doing better socially & realizing that you're not alone. hang in there, bud & continue with those academic goals

i am also hiv+ and also filipino... i just found out about my status last month... my first cd4 count was at 64 and vl at 270,000... oh well, i have been on meds since then and had my 2nd test just afew days ago... just waiting for the results to see if the meds are working... btw, i am not in the philippines right now...

you said that hiv meds are given free over there? can you tell me what kinds of meds are being distributed? i am considering going back home when i am done with my projects here, so if you can give me information about hiv meds available in the philippines it would really help..

by the way, if you still want to go to the US, they have just recently removed the ban on hiv+ tourists and immigrants... an hiv test is no longer a requirement to be an immigrant in the states...

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts