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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Random: Birthdays

Lyra,

This week is a big one for many of your friends as it's their one year birthdays. They've reached milestones, and created memories that will never be forgotten. Parties are being planned for them...cakes being made and candles bought to be blown out.

I haven't been a part of many of their lives...it's been really hard for me to see what we've missed out on. It hasn't been fair to their parents. Or to them. It's completely opposite of what we had planned. We'd all expected to watch our children grow together...to reach the one year mark together. You were to be due this week in 2010. You should be turning one. Instead, I've watched them all from a distance, and been selfish and fragile.

Simon is three weeks old now. I'm slowly working my mind around the complexities of the "should be's" with you, and what we literally have with him. He's been getting my undivided attention and care. We haven't been to your grave in two months. I'd like to go soon, and set up your new tiger guardian and put new flowers out. And introduce Simon to a very special place where we remember his big sister. You aren't forgotten even though he is here with us now. It's quite the opposite. Every moment with him shows me what we missed out on with you.

Thinking of you as you mark Lyra's due date. What a year it has been. I understand the part of pulling back from friends with babies that are around the same age Lyra would have been... I've done that too. And it's not fair, for any of us.

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