8 Things Grieving People Wish You Knew

Learn how to help your grieving loved one.

By Wesley Baines

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Comparing Pain isn't Helpful

Don’t compare pain. Let me say that again. Do not compare pain. A grieving person’s grief, as we’ve learned, is unique—to compare their pain to that of others can feel trivializing to the grieving individual.

Rather, let the conversation rest on the grieving person. Talk about him or her, and, if appropriate, what they’ve lost.

Most destructive of all is the habit of trying to help someone feel better by citing some grief or loss that is “worse” than theirs. An example of this would be telling someone who just lost their job that you once lost your job and your house and your wife divorced you afterward. You might think that this would put their grief into perspective, and that they’ll think “Well, I guess my situation isn’t so bad,” but that’s not the case.

Bringing up some greater grief only makes them feel unheard and trivialized. There is greater grief in the world—yes—but right now, this individual grief is what’s important. Let your grieving loved one know how important they are by avoiding pain comparisons.