Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Political Comic Opera

The People of Modern Japan: "We're proud to be peaceful! We're proud to have renounced war! We're proud that we don't have a standing military!"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "Oh, yeah? What do you call all that?"The Government of Japan: "Oh! That's our Self-Defense Force! It's civilian! You know, like the police!"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "Is that so? Well, just make sure it stays in your own space!"The Government of Japan: "Um, no problem! I think... You know, come to think of it, it is a problem. Especially with North Korea doing all that...stuff. And also China getting more and more...China: "More and more what?"The Government of Japan: "Nothing! Nothing! Heh heh! Aw...we need more protection!"The People of Modern Japan: "We need protection!"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "Don't even think about it!"The U.S.: *AHEM*The Government of Japan: "Right! Well, say...I know the Cold War is over, but since you're here, would you mind hanging around and, you know..."The U.S.: "Not a problem. We've got the bases here, and we're glad to stay. Especially since the Philippines booted us out, the ungrateful jerks! In fact, on that note, since things are heating up, why don't we just beef things up a little..."The Government of Japan: "Fine with us! We need the protection! Right guys?"The People of Modern Japan: "Yes! We're proud to be peaceful! We want America to protect us!"Okinawa: "But wait a minute! Wait just a gosh darned minute! It's easy for you to talk about peace and all that! We've had to put up with all these Yank G.I.s treating our island like their own personal sandbox ever since they invaded us!"The U.S.: "Hey, it was a war, remember? We captured you fair and square, and it was one freaking bloody fight, too! Be thankful that we gave you most of your island back! After all, you started it!"Okinawa: "No, they did!"The Government of Japan: "We did not! And besides, last we checked, you were still part of our country!"Okinawa: "Right! You are absolutely right! So how about if the rest of 'our' country takes a bit of this load off our backs, huh? Huh?"The U.S.: (sighs, facepalms, shakes head)The Government of Japan: "Oh, kwitcherbitchin!"Okinawa: "UNFAIR!!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "Look, they've got a point, poor souls!"The Government of Japan: "Alright, alright. Maybe it's time we started pulling our own weight. Why don't we start by showing the world we're nice guys now. Let's help out with some, you know, non-combat military stuff for our allies and see how it goes!"The U.S.: "Thanks! That's the spirit!"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "Hey! What do you think you're doing?"The Government of Japan: "No, no! It's okay! This is all non-combat..."China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "No! No you don't! Not yours! Not even!"The Government of Japan: "Oh, come on, guys! We're just trying to..."China: "Beetchewup!!!!!!!!"The U.S.: *snicker*The Government of Japan: "Oh, come on! You didn't have to do that!"The People of Modern Japan: "You're just mean!"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "You were mean first! Now get back in your box!"The Government of Japan: "But we promised we'd...alright. But only after we finish what we agreed to do."China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: "I suppose that's fair. But don't do it again!"The U.S.: "Oh, come on! Don't let them intimidate you!"The Government of Japan: "Oh, right! 'Don't let them intimidate you!' Surrrrrrre! Are you really going to protect us?"The U.S.: "That was the deal, wasn't it?"Okinawa: *AHEM*The Government of Japan: *sigh* "Okay, let's talk about this base thing again."Okinawa: "At least get rid of that Futenma thing! I mean, they're landing big cargo planes right in the middle of a freaking residential area, for heaven's sake!"The Government of Japan: "Fair enough. You're right, that is pretty nasty. Okay...why don't we try moving it to...oo? Hmm. (paces) Let's see... Ah, I know! How about (various places)?"The Local Governments and People of Those Places: *AHEM* "NOT YOURS!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "We want America to protect us, but not in our backyard!"The Government of Japan: "Alright, alright, alright! Sheesh! Then I guess the only option is to move stuff to another part of Okinawa."Okinawa: "What?"The Government of Japan: "It's really the only option."The People of Modern Japan: "Yeah! It's really the only option."Okinawa: "Now, wait a..."The Government of Japan: "SHH!"The People of Modern Japan: "SHH!"The U.S.: "So do we finally have a deal?"Okinawa: "No!"The Government of Japan: "SHH! Yes!"The U.S.: "That's good! Now, while we're at it, you know we've got our navy out there protecting our cargo ships...and yours. How about helping us out a bit?"Okinawa: "Don't change the subject!"The Government of Japan: "Hush! Hmm...good point! Can we help?"The U.S.: "Helping with the refueling shouldn't bug your jittery neighbors too much, should it?"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: (rattle, rattle, rattle)The Government of Japan: "Hey, we're helping protect YOUR cargo ships, too!"China, N & S Korea, The Philippines, etc: (sound of crickets chirping)The Government of Japan: "I guess we're in!"The U.S.: "Excellent!"Okinawa: "Now hang on here! We've still got something to say!"The Government of Japan: "Quiet!" (slap) "You're hysterical! A deal's a deal!"The People of Modern Japan: "That wasn't very nice!"The Democratic Party of Japan: "No, it wasn't nice at all, was it? Poor Okinawa!"The People of Modern Japan: "Poor Okinawa!"Okinawa: "Poor us!"The Government of Japan: "Come on, you guys! A deal is a deal! Whining isn't going to help!"The U.S.: "So when can we start moving the base now, huh?"The Democratic Party of Japan: "In fact, come to think of it, the government is paying for this whole naval refueling thing with YOUR TAX YEN!!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "WUT?!?"The Democratic Party of Japan: "In support of a militaristic campaign!"The People of Modern Japan: "A militaristic campaign?"The Government of Japan: "Um, our ships...our oil supply..."The Democratic Party of Japan: "And we're proud to be peaceful!"The People of Modern Japan: "We're proud to be peaceful!"China: "What he said!"The Government of Japan: "Um, guys...like, North Korea has nukes and is test-firing ballistic missiles...over our country?"The Democratic Party of Japan: "Death to all expensive militarism, elitism, unilateralism, and pork project-ism!"The People of Modern Japan: "Yeah! Kill 'em all!"The Government of Japan: "What? No elitism? No unilate...HEY, why are you knocking the pork? Pork is good! It builds bridges!"The Democratic Party of Japan: "No more bridges! No more services that cost money!"The People of Modern Japan: "All services free!"The Government of Japan: "Say, what??!? We were just going to raise taxes to make ends meet, and now you're saying..."The Democratic Party of Japan: "No more taxes!"The Government of Japan: (bangs head against desk)Okinawa: "And those bases..."The Democratic Party of Japan: "Oh, yeah...right! No new bases!"The Government of Japan: "Guys, puh-leaze!"The Democratic Party of Japan: "No more criminals in government!"The Government of Japan: "Now, that's not fair! You can't blame me for what just a few...dozen...okay, hundred... Okay, so we all suck! But at least we're realistic!"The Democratic Party of Japan: "Shut up, you criminal!"The People of Modern Japan: "Get out! We're sick of you!"The (Defeated Former) Government of Japan:*whimper*The DPJ Government of Japan: "Thanks, guys! Now to start shutting everything down..."The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: "Oh...no..."The Democratic Party of Japan: "That refueling thing...BAM!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "Yay!!!"The U.S.: "What the...?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "And the bases agreement...BAM!!!"Okinawa: "AAAAAAAWWWWWWWEsome!"The U.S.: "Now wait just a goddamned minute..."The DPJ Government of Japan: "Unneeded pork...oink oink! BAM!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "Yay!!!"The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: "You'll be sorrrrrrry!"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Half-finished dams, bridges, roads...BAM!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "Yay....eh?"The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: *snicker*The DPJ Government of Japan: "Cutting-edge technological research to keep us competitive...BAM!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "Wait...was that really necessary?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "You want this country to be cheaper and more livable, don't you?"The People of Modern Japan: "Well, yes, but..."The DPJ Government of Japan: "Free expressways and free public high school?"The People of Modern Japan: "Well, um, yeah, but..."The DPJ Government of Japan: "BAM!!!"China: *snicker*The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: "You guys missing us yet?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Shut up, you criminals!"The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: "Who are you calling a criminal, Mr. Illegal Funds and Money Laundering?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Oh-ho, no you don't! It wasn't me! I deny it completely! It was all those other guys! They're all evil! Besides, the people need me!"The People of Modern Japan: "Um, excuse me...about those expressways?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "What about 'em?"The People of Modern Japan: "You said you were going to make them free!"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Oh. Yeah. About that...it turns out free just isn't doable. We did revise the toll system, though. It's a lot simpler now."The People of Modern Japan: "But it's more expensive now!"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Well, I can see how it might look that way, but...well, actually, you're right. It's more expensive for shorter trips, but isn't that great? It'll discourage people from driving! It's better for the environment!"The People of Modern Japan: "But you promised..."The DPJ Government of Japan: "Yeah, well, shit happens. At least we're going to make public high school free...and give out all kinds of stipends for children, etc.."The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: "Where's the money coming from?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "If you can't see it, you don't need to know!"Okinawa: "Um, excuse me..."The DPJ Government of Japan: "Oh, now what do you want? Look, we terminated that new base agreement! It's done! Now go away!"Okinawa: "But the original bases are still here! You know? Futenma? Big cargo planes landing in a residential area?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Yeah, so what?"Okinawa: "So what are you gonna do about it?"The U.S.: "Yeah! What are you gonna do about it?"Okinawa: "Look, you! We're not on the same side!"The U.S.: "But we have the same problem now, don't we?"Okinawa:"Good point."The DPJ Government of Japan: "Look, we'll solve this problem one way or the other."The U.S.: (intimidating glare) "Can you follow through?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Yeah, well...I've got an idea. Why don't we move part of Futenma here and the rest here?"The U.S.: "Wasn't that the original idea?"Okinawa: SHRIEK!!!!!The DPJ Government of Japan: "Well...okay, why don't we try moving it (alternate plan in another part of the country)?"The Local Governments and People of Those Places: *AHEM* "STILL NOT YOURS!!!"The People of Modern Japan: "Hey! When do we get our free services? When do we get our money?"The DPJ Government of Japan: "Look, will you people just shut up and let me work?"The U.S.: "That's what our boss said!"The Corporate Oligarchs and Former Government: "Isn't it about time for another election?"

(The end.)

Tune in next week when we hear The People of Modern Japan trying to choose who to vote for. Some scenes may not be suitable for small children. Parental guidance advised.

About

I came to Japan in 1990 for what was supposed to be a two-year stint. Then, by some bizarre stroke of fate, I got a real life, so I'm still here. For a gaijin with an imagination and more than his share of sensitivity, these islands are a never-ending source of adventure.

About Me

I was born on a rainy day on the Oregon Coast (no surprises there) and through a rather convoluted sequence of events wound up in Japan. I'm a teacher by trade, moonlighting as a musician and composer. I also do quite a bit of writing on the side. I'm a dreamer, a thinker, a sayer, and a doer all wrapped in one deceptively mild-mannered package.