Jade yesterday, "Why don't they just ship 'em all back to Wogland or summink!"

LEGS-UP-ON-THE-MANTELPIECE, Wales -- UK Celebrity Big Brother racist Jade Goody has been chosen to follow the hallowed footsteps of former Spice Girls stalwart Geri Halliwell and become a UN Peace Envoy. UN spokesman Harry Nob yesterday was gushing in his assessment of the lass, "this young lady continually sets a fine example of what the UN is all about. I hope she accepts our offer to spread her own unique philosophy across to those less fortunate than herself."

Jade provoked national sympathy when the evil Shilpa Shetty tried to put a magic curse on her last week. Shetty was seen trying invoke demons and pirateghosts during a late night Satanic ceremony led by Jermaine Jackson. Shetty was only recently released from prison where she served 12 years for her role in a series of armed robberies that were dramatised by the motion film Heat

UK prime minister Tony Blair personally recommended Ms Goody for the vacant post, "Jade's instinct for diplomacy and restraint has been ably demonstrated in her noble conduct in resolving conflict within the confines of the Big Brother house. If only we'd had her ilk on board sooner then this whole Iraq misunderstanding could well have been averted" Blair said yesterday.

Once her latest stint in the UK reality show Celebrity Big Brother ends, Jade will be thrust straight into her diplomatic duties. She has been pencilled in for a fact-finding mission to Mogadishu in war-torn Somalia to try and broker and promote harmony between the government and Islamic militia, who were bombed last week by our glorious American allies in the "War Around Terrors". Somali warlord Chit Bangbang welcomed the prospect of the UN's involvement in his country's problems: "I will stick her fat head on the end of my gun and feed it to the rats," he raged.

Jade's one-armed mother Jack took a break from her full time job as a cut-throat pirate on the high seas of (rather ironically) the Indian Ocean to express her pride in her daughter: "wot yer say again geezah. Nah, can't understood yer, yer fuckin fucker. Yeh, Jade she's a right diamond that one int she. Wossername again. Cunt!"

Based on the success of her mission to Somalia, the UN intend to use her unique skills in further missions to Afghanistan, Iraq and then even possibly Iran. "If none of those finish her off then there's always North Wales." former UN president Kofi Annan said this morning.