* Britney blamed for 9/11, almost* The lives of Blue Peter tortoises* Charts: Sean Kingston is still number one-----------------------------------------------------

>> Let's go crazy << Prince livens up London

We love Prince. He's been awesome in concert this summer. When he went to film his new music video, Prince walked up to the director and every member of the crew and asked them "Do you have Jehovah in your heart?" Only a positive answer kept them on set. And while making the video, His Purple Lordship was accompanied by a hooker, to whom he would only converse through a third-party. (For example, Prince, "Please would somebody ask the lady if she would like to come to my dressing room?")

-----------------------------------------------------A reader who was at prep school with James Bluntsays Blunt had "crap hand writing", and once founda vibrator in his parents' bedroom.-----------------------------------------------------

>> It's a London thing << Howard gets the party started

Bungalow 8 has a reputation for being the most exclusive, celebrity-friendly club in New York. It's about to open in London. The club held a launch party last Saturday. And the starry cast of A-listers in attendance? For most of the night it was Caprice... and Howard, from the Halifax adverts.

-----------------------------------------------------At the Emmys, the only two celebrities to move out ofthe roped-off red carpet to chat to fans wereBilly Baldwin and Sylar from Heroes.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Animal magic << Questions for the Blue Peter pets

Who names the Blue Peter animals? It turns out that this is one of the burning questions of our time. Amid the recriminations and inquests at the BBC about Socks, we hear we should be asking about the other animals. There are particular question marks over the tortoise they call "Shelley", allegedly.

FYI: The average age of a tortoise is 80, and theoldest ever recorded, Tui Malila, lived to be188. Three of Blue Peter's five tortoises havedied before their 17th birthday. What is goingon? We think we should be told.

-----------------------------------------------------85% of UK's marijuana industry is now controlledfrom Vietnam.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Big Questions << What people are asking this week

Which newspaper shouted at one of his staff-members "You're a fucking naughty girl, I'm going to take your fucking knickers down and fuck you across your fucking desk." The reason? He didn't care for her response when he asked her if she liked the new office redecoration colour scheme.

Most newsrooms have loud beeps or buzzers on their breaking news wires, does Al Jazeera really have a quacking duck sound?

Conservative Lord and MEP Lord Bethell, who died last week, was probably best known for his anti-communist activities and writings, and for a libel case he won in the 70s against Private Eye about facilitating Solzhenitsyn's arrest

However, his friends knew him as the chap with a ping-pong ball sized wart which dangled on a thread on his arse. One of his lady-friends told us that, at certain times, it was "rather distracting".

-----------------------------------------------------Testicles never lie at the same level. Theball-sack is always lopsided.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Game, set and match << Beckham's career goes down under

If there was any doubt over David Beckham's new role, this seems to confirm him as the MLS circus' resident freak show or prize exhibit. New Zealand's Wellington Phoenix Football Club have made a deal with LA Galaxy for the US team to come over for a 2nd December game, with Beckham contracted to appear for at least 55 minutes, or the match will be rescheduled.

-----------------------------------------------------National Anthem fact of the week: Ethiopia's anthemis based on Jean Sibelius' Finlandia.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Stand by your pram << Britney could be the new Tammy

Poor Britney. Enough is enough. Taking pot- shots at this troubled ex-Mousketeer has gone too far. This week she was attacked in the US media for not being able to close her pram properly. And now she's almost being blamed for 9/11. Leader of the Palestinian Popular Resistance, Muhammad Abdel-Al said, "If I meet these whores I will have the honour to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna and Britney Spears if they will keep spreading their Satanic culture against Islam."

Britney, if you're reading, there's only one thing for it. Quit LA and the music scene. The Paris Hiltons and K-Feds of the world can teach you nothing. Move back South, go hang out with Dolly Parton, and come back with big hair and a country albums. You've got the voice for it and, quite frankly, the sad life, to be the new Tammy Wynette.

FYI: The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine,the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestineand the Popular Revolutionary Front for the Liberationof Palestine have so far declined to give theirviews on Britney. But we will ask them and hope tobring you their comments next week.

-----------------------------------------------------PC Dave Quinnan from the Bill now works inIslington's Business Design Centre, in a sportsmedia communications company.-----------------------------------------------------

>> David and Goliath << The world of celebrity football

On Wednesday nights, near the Westway, celebrities gather to play football together. Ant 'n Dec, Robbie Williams, Ralph Little etc all pit their skills on the pitch against friends. Only one celebrity player insists on bringing his body guard with him. And that's Craig David. The big bouncer walks Craig to the pitch, and then sits in the stand during the game, the lone spectator. When the match finishes, the bodyguard walks him out.

FYI: You can insert own joke here about Craig playingfor the other team or being a left footer. But infact he plays on the right wing. So there.

******************************************************This guy takes looking after number one to anew level. Candid camera from Goodfella's Solos:http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uZBftfm2XCU******************************************************

******************************************************Nokia N-81 - the best phone for music lovers on themarket. Inspiring even the worst boy bands... sadly:http://tinyurl.com/2dpkek******************************************************

>> Chart Predictions << New entries/High climbers Sun 23rd Sept

The winter chart freeze has begun. Very little change on the singles front this week, on account that that labels are limbering up for pre-Xmas album release warfare. You have been warned: