So far I've submitted 121 away messages,
and they've been used a total of 160621 times. Here are my messages...

by:kate28 (01/13/2010)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Supermarket Deli Meat Slicer.
To feed America's hunger,
You stand dangerously close to a buzz saw,
Armed only with a salami.
(just youuu and your salami)
Behind your glass fortress,
You quickly fill orders as shopper's shout,
"Hey! I was first."
(taaake a number please)
And no matter what you're slicing,
From bologna to liverwurst,
You always hit your mark...
One-tenth of an ounce over.
(thaat's the way I like it)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Master Slicer.
And remember, when someone asks "who cut the cheese?"
You can proudly say,
"It was me."

by:kate28 (12/14/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Restroom Toilet Paper Refiller.
Without your undying commitment,
We might find ourselves trapped in a stall armed only with our newspaper.
(Oh, I need you now!)
Like a brave soldier,
You storm hostile territory delivering much needed supplies to your men.
(Uugh!)
Should you leave one roll?
Or two?
Or perhaps that giant 10-pound super roll.
(Keep rollin'!)
While others rest, you can't…
Because somewhere there's a guy with his pants around his ankles doing the bunny hop in search of a fresh roll.
(Hop! Hop! Hop!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Master of the Men's Room
Because if you don't do your business,
We can't do ours.
(Is there anybody out there?)

by:kate28 (11/04/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Sports Fan Face Painter.
Unlike Van Gogh or Rembrandt,
You use yourself as the canvas.
Half yellow.
Half green.
But all heart.
(look at meeee)
As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,
You had to go shirtless,
And paint yourself bright orange.
(I SAID look at meeee)
And you top it all off with a rainbow wig,
Oversized sunglasses,
And absolutely no shame.
(no SERIOUSLY I said look at meee)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Sports Fan Face Painter.
And know,
We'll keep cheering for you,
Until we are orange, purple, or blue in the face.

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you, Mr. Nudist Colony Activity Coordinator.
Wearing nothing but a whistle and a clipboard
You're living the real American dream:
Getting paid to think up fun things to do...
Naked.
(Runnin' free!)
Sure there's danger-
Vinyl chairs,
Sunburns,
Chaffage...
And lawn darts?
Completely out of the question.
(Watch out now!)
Your keen instincts tell you to stick to activities that involve lots of bouncing and jiggling.
And if that doesn't work, who cares?
You're all naked.
(It's your birthday!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Nudie Boy,
Because we all know,
When the going gets tough,
The tough get naked.

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you, dude,
Mr. Really So Special Birthday Celebrator.
Some say you're a year older,
Some say a year wiser,
And some say,
Why is a 51-year-old still celebrating their birthday?
(because I can)
Some people wish for fame.
Some wish for fortune.
Your wish:
A date with a supermodel.
Or at the very least,
A phone line in your parents' basement.
(and cable tv)
Tonight you and your friends will party in the roped-off section of the hottest club in town,
Except in your case,
It's the line to get inside.
(let us in)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Admiral of the Ageless.
Because even though you're 51,
You'll always be number 1 with us.
(happy birthday to youuuu)