Oh and these are super serious predictions to be taken super seriously and if they don’t turn out to be accurate I don’t know what I’ll do.

01. All Around The World ft. LudacrisI’m assuming this is an instructional little ditty about how to memorize all the countries in the world. It’s around seventeen minutes long and it’s basically just a rapped list of every country, with Ludacris beat-boxing in the background.

02. BoyfriendEveryone’s already heard this song so you didn’t need me to tell you that it’s a love song to me that he wrote for me about me and also I’m in it.

03. As Long As You Love Me ft. Big SeanA musical portrait of each individual member of The Backstreet Boys , except for Howie because nobody likes that guy.

04. Take YouBased on the movie Taken, with special rap solos by the movie’s star, Liam Neeson.

05. Right Here ft. DrakeDrake‘s phone is always breaking, so he and Justin are never able to find each other when they arrange to meet up at the mall. Biebs wrote this song so they could sing it and follow the sound of each others’ voices back to one another in the food court.

06. Catching Feelings“I was sitting on a dock trying to catch some fish / how was I to know that I would catch that ish? / Caught a big ‘ol trout so shiny — caught my eye / gonna fall in love at the big fish fry.”

07. FallA song modeled after the success of Rebecca Black‘s song Friday. Lyric sample: ‘Last season was Winter / This season is Fall / We-we-we so excited / We so excited / We gonna have a ball this season.’

08. Die In Your ArmsFor a squirrel that Justin unintentionally hit while cruising around on his Razor scooter. In real life, the squirrel recovered, but J-Biebs wrote the song as a reminder of what can happen when you drink a Red Bull before scootering.

09. Thought Of YouJustin’s designing his own line of Post-Its and this shall be their theme song.

10. Beauty And A Beat ft. Nicki MinajI don’t know what this song is about, but I can’t wait to find out who plays Beauty and who plays The Beat.

11. One LoveThis song is about Justin’s celebrity crush, Dame Judi Dench.

12. Be AlrightThis is a song Justin wrote when his mom was running to the store and asked him if he needed her to pick anything up for him.

13. BelieveA slow ballad about the importance of believing in Justin enough to taste his favorite food — a peanut butter and turkey sandwich — even though it sounds disgusting. It’s about belief and trust and moving forward in a relationship. Definitely the saddest song on the album.

14. Out Of Town GirlAnother song about Judi Dench. She lives in England and the boy fell hard, okay?

15. She Don’t Like The LightsA song about his friend who gets chronic migraines.

16. MariaAnother song about that same friend who gets chronic migraines. Her name is Maria.

And that’s all of them! I know you’re gonna listen to the album and be really impressed by the accuracy of my predictions. These are just the skills that a journalist must hone to be taken seriously in this cold, cruel world.