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Musings from my fun Empty Nest Life…

Category Archives: humor

We Polish-Americans who are the very direct descendants of the First Polish Immigrants to come to the US are a proud bunch. People are surprised to hear that in 1854 the 1st Polish people to come to America to STAY came to Panna Maria, TEXAS and not Chicago or any other Yankee place…

Here is a short cheat sheet on us and our customs.

Follow me, if you can on this first and for most to help you distinguish — Texas Poles from Yankee Poles:If you are a Texas Pole, when you first meet a Yankee Pole – they will try to impress you by saying that they just “loved the Pierogi’s that their Grandma used to make for them in Chicago”. In response, you just nod and smile, because you have no idea WHAT that is…You, in turn, will try to impress them by telling them that you used to date one of Bishop Yanta’s nephews – In response, they too just nod and smile, because they have no idea WHO that is…

You know how to dance ALL of the following: the Two-Step, Waltz, Polka, Cotton Eyed Joe, and the Schottish.

Your Wedding had the following elements:

Your Wedding Mass had to be held on a Saturday after 3:00 or all your guests would be mad because it didn’t count for Sunday

You had to invite everyone within the entire county so as to not offend anyone. Weddings are up upwards to 1000 people, but could be held at only $7 a person total.

You had your wedding reception in a Parish Dance Hall

Your Bridal Party sold shots to your guests to make money for you and kept count by passing out ribbons or stickers for guests to place on their lapel or dress. (sometimes while in full view of the sheriff dept. security)

You knew to stay away from the flirtier older guys if they had more than 3 ribbons/stickers on their clothes.

You sold shots as a wedding party person and you drank more shots that others paid for you to drink than you’ve ever drank in your life.

Your relatives extorted money from your guests for you by singing the folk song – ‘Dietche Dietche’ (Translated: “Diaper, Diaper” – A Polish Folk Song complete with metal aluminum stock pot and ceramic plate for lid to shake in all your guests ‘personal space’)

You served good BBQ Brisquette and Sausage with all the fixin’s buffet style

You knew the wedding dance was about to start because your male guests started moving tables out-of-the-way and started sweeping sawdust around the dance floor

You started your wedding dance with the ‘Grand March’

Your main beverage came in kegs and you floated several of them

Your Mom wants at least one of her kids to NOT get married but become a priest or nun.

Your Mom may have yelled at you for dressing rather immodestly by saying: “You are NOT dressed like the Blessed Virgin Mary!!!!”. Hahahaha! This rather catty Polish girl used to say behind her back: “Yea, but Mary wore a light blue burkah. That doesn’t fit the times!”

When you told your Grandma that you were dating someone, the first two things she asked in this order were: “Is he Polish?” and “Is he Catholic?”

You own at least one shot-gun and it’s mainly for dove hunting and you fish in “Tanks”. Ponds are in story books.

Your older relatives have a strong devotion to the Saints, the Blessed Virgin, the Pope (meaning the REAL one – John Paul II), and the Democratic Party.

Your Grandma has a shrine somewhere in her house complete with votive candles, Holy Water, a Rosary, Prayer Cards, Novenas, Scapula and at least one of the following forms of art- “The Sacred Heart of Jesus” picture with eyes that follow you around the room, “Our Lady of Czestochowa”, “Our Lady of Fatima” or the “Infant of Prague” .

Insight: My Mom used to bring the Infant of Prague home once a year to clean it. She didn’t know this, but when she went to the grocery store, we’d feel the need to take its crown off, touch its embroidered coat and wish we could pick it up and play with it without going an extra few months into purgatory. We never picked it up, at least I didn’t.

There is also a picture of the REAL Pope (JPII) – somewhere in the house. *Bonus: I touched his grave in the Vatican crypt this last month. Was wonderful.

You collect “prayer cards” from funerals and Priest ordinations and from a priest who goes the extra mile (like my BFF does) having them available at Reconciliation (aka Confession) Services.

Your parents have at least one Crucifix with the Corpus on it mounted on a wall in their house with palms tucked behind it.

Your church’s main fundraiser each year is a Parish Picnic or a Turkey Shoot.

You aren’t fully sure of the entire story behind the founding of the U.S., but you know the WHOLE STORY of the very FAMOUS Polish migration to the U.S. on Dec. 24, 1854 and…

Fr. Leopold Moczygemba is your founding Father. The Germans in New Braunsfels, TX were flourishing, so he hoped to do the same for his own kindred.

Your ancestors did not merely come to the US in a straight shot across the Atlantic to gain entry via Ellis Island in NY.

Your initial families came via a 60+ day sailboat ride in steerage to Galveston, TX. Then rented carts and/or walked 158 miles to Indianola, TX. to gain entry into the US. Then, embarked on another 108 MILES north to their new home in Panna Maria.

Our Moses…

You may have never been to Poland, but if you do decide to visit, you know to go with the great travel guide Fr. Frank Kurzaj to ensure the royal treatment while there.

Now with the Eagle Ford oil boom, Dads no longer dream for their daughters to marry Ivy-leaguers, they want them to marry Janyseks. 🙂

Mark had been talking about getting an AR-15 for several years. Hunters use them to stalk feral hogs at their deer leases, farms, ranches, etc. Turns out, feral hogs are actually domesticated hogs that were just let go in the wild and boy do they multiply like rabbits and wreak havoc on people’s land. They root up crops and roads and are a serious problem here in Texas. Well, Mark didn’t want just any AR-15, he wanted his BFF Don to build one for him as Don had started a hobby of making guns. (BTW: I have a feeling it is against “man law” for guys to refer to each other as BFFs, especially these two which is why I put that in here.) 🙂

As a surprise for Mark, I emailed Don to ask if he would have the time and possibly be interested in building one for me for a Christmas present for Mark. He quickly replied, “Sure! All you need to do is go to a gun store near you called Cheaper Than Dirt and purchase a ‘stripped lower’ for it. Ship it to me and I’ll get started.” I wrote the part name down on my weekly shopping list: Fall Wreath, New Bed Sheets, Black Platform Peep Toe Shoes, “Don’t forget to get a S-T-R-I-P-P-E-D L-O-W-E-R” – Check.

There is a reason for this following part, so work with me here:

I usually like to save my serious shopping days for one particular day of the week. I’m not talking grocery shopping but the kind of shopping you do for Christmas, party planning, special projects, clothes and the like. I like to get dressed up and “go to town”. It feels good to do this because being a housewife now, I will actually go days without even putting on shoes much less make-up, so it is a healthy thing for me to do. On this particular day, I paired fun grey denim leggings, with a sexy off one shoulder ala Flashdance, pale-geometric print shirt. I completed the outfit with pretty, high-heeled black ankle boots and my black Prada bag.

I went about my shopping day from Michaels to Bed, Bath and Beyond, to you name it and ended the day, as planned at Cheaper than Dirt. It’s a much smaller store than say a Cabelas or a Bass Pro Shop. It is more the size of a small pawn shop. Now, I’m sure it wasn’t completely like this… but this is actually how I felt — As I walked in, I did not see any hunting gear, etc. as I’m used to seeing when accompanying Mark to gun stores. What I found was a bunch of men who looked like they were involved in militia/biker groups and one guy who looked like he was employed in personal security and/or maybe the mafia. Not one of them was wearing cammo.

The surprise must have shown on my face, because the store manager came up to me with a raised eyebrow and in an are sure you’re in the right place type voice said, “Can I help you?” I said, “Yes. Give me a sec.” (as I fished through my Prada bag for my shopping notes finding and reading the note to him) “Yes, I’m here to purchase a stripped lower for an AR-15?” His eyes immediately shot up in surprise and he said “Oh-kay then, follow me.” We passed a customer looking at what looked like a SWAT team vest, and another seriously contemplating Bowie knives while carrying a gas mask and turned down a random non-descript aisle. In the center of this aisle, passed all the pre-packaged doomsday survivor food, we came up to a locked glass case. I seriously did not recognize anything in it. When Don said I needed to go get this gun part, I thought, I don’t know – I really didn’t think… but I guess I would have thought it looked like a gun that needed finishing – whatever that means.

Anyway, the manager opens the case and gets out the part and says, “This, is it.” It looked like a random extra part you’d find yourself left with after taking apart your own car engine and putting it back together again. He does not hand me the part but says, “You know, you will need a background check for this?” I laughed a silly Ha-ha laugh as if I knew he was surely joking. He replied without smiling, “I’m beingtotallyserious.” I couldn’t believe it! I told him, the guy looking at Bowie knives looked like he’d need a background check sooner than I would for this little random God knows what part for a friend to build my husband a surprise present. His reply, “Well, you see – this actually is the firing chamber of the gun.” Okay – learning something new today…

Well, I thought it would be an in-and-out type store purchase and was not planning to spend an hour or so filling out paperwork, so I looked at my over-sized Men’s sparkle watch with the faux diamond ring around it and asked him how long it would take. He said, “Well it shouldn’t take very long or be a problem (pause) unless – you have arecord?” I told him “Of course not!” He then paused and said “I don’t know how to ask this but do you know if your gun-building-friend has a felony record? Because, it would be a felony for you, yourself to supply him this part if he does.”

“What?!” Now, I’ve known Don for 30 years. He is the salt of the earth, church goin’, God fearing, great guy and I was pretty sure he had no record, but for a minute or so I got to dialoging the following to myself. “Hm. Why didn’t Don just get the part himself? What if h…… Naaaaaw, he’s fine…… Well, he is into building guns now for fun and most certainly part of some government watch lis……. Naaawh, he just likes to hunt big time – Don’t be crazy, D’Ann….…” So, after this hesitation, I told the guy I’m pretty sure he’s fine, let’s fill out that application. As he took the signed application from me, he said, “You can just walk around and shop while I call into the State.” I looked around the store and then at him and said, “What do you seriously think I’d shop for?!” – He laughed at me and told me I could just stand by him – it would be okay.

Well of course, I was cleared and went to grab the part off the desk. He stopped me short and said he actually had to walk me up to the front to the cashier. Now, the guy working the cashier’s desk was this HUGE, tall black guy. I’m not saying huge as in fat, but the don’t mess with me; I’m a bodyguard type guy build. The manager placed the stripped lower on the counter and said, “This lady would like to buy this, please.” The cashier looks at the part, looks up at me and without a smile and a raised eyebrows asks, “You? Building a gun today?” I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Why yes, I am. I was at Michael’s and I bought a few things to make a Fall wreath for my front door and just thought I’d go ahead and purchase some faux beads, jewels and a hot glue gun. I want to surprise my husband and not only make, but also bedazzle an AR-15 for him for Christmas.” He/we all laughed our butts off at this point. I’m sure when I left that store; all the guys in there were all rolling their eyes and thinking “’em G-Damn yuppie women…”

I could not wait to get in my car and on my cell phone, so I could read Don the riot act for not warning me about any of this and laugh about it… I also couldn’t wait to give Mark the gun, so I could tell him the crazy story of what I had to go through to get this gun made for him. I might just hot glue a little pink jewel on it someday when he’s not looking just to finish it off and put my own unique mark on it…

The funny thing in hindsight is that I’m now probably on some list as owning an assault rifle and I haven’t shot a gun in years!