Piers Morgan assumes you know who he is, want him to stay in America

CNN host Piers Morgan has settled on something he likes to milk for attention even more than a mass shooting: the White House petition to have him deported. Not that he’s paying any attention to it, mind you.

It’s worth noting that the White House’s “We the People” petition site is a guarantee of nothing, although 25,000 signatures is supposedly your assurance that your issue will be brought to the president’s attention — his laser-like focus takes over from there. The Piers Morgan deportation petition has really taken off, though, closing in on 100,000 signatures. Blame it on the good old American “blood-bonding of lynching.” So, how does one explain those hundreds of millions who haven’t signed?

Just so there’s no confusion, one American has launched a counter-petition to keep Morgan in the States. It currently stands at 7,847 signatures, so we’ll just have to assume that means 310,992,153 Americans want him on a plane back to the U.K. Only one thing is certain: he’s never going to want to leave now that someone’s paying attention.