People talk about suicide like it’s a secret that you can’t share with anyone. Suicide is whispered amongst friends and family members, and when someone engages in a suicidal act, the only question on everyone’s lips is, “Why?”

The answer is well-understood by mental health professionals — the answer is depression.

Depression is a serious mood disorder that affects the way a person thinks, feels and acts. It is not just feeling “blue” for no reason for a day or two. It is a lengthy pit of despair where hope is just a memory and suicide appears to be a reasonable, real choice. Suicide will end a person’s emotional suffering instantly, and it makes the person feel like they are removing one of the causes of pain and suffering for others in their lives as well.

Suicide Appears Like an Answer

Even though we may rationally believe that suicide fixes nothing, to someone who is suicidal, it appears like a real answer to all or most of their problems. No money, no job? End my life and stop being a burden on society. The cause of pain to someone you love? End my life and stop being a source of pain to that person. Feelings of depression that seem not only to never end, but get worse with every passing day? End my life and stop feeling so much emotional pain.

What a lot of people who have never experienced a serious depression or suicidal thoughts don’t understand is how could someone feel so hopeless and depressed to consider ending their entire life? The answer is often rooted in how hopeless and endless the depression seems to be. People who are suicidal are usually in the grips of a serious and untreated (or undertreated) depressive episode. Many people can hide such emotional pain very well, and pretend to be okay. But underneath, they may be in extreme agony and in need of help.

A big part of depression is thinking irrationally. This means a person is putting together the pieces of their life in a way that wouldn’t make sense to most others. There is an overemphasis on some pieces or some feelings that others would think are being blown out of proportion. But someone who is depressed often can’t think any differently — the depression is causing them to emphasize or focus on things that only contribute to the depression. This creates a snowball effect that often lands someone who is seriously depressed at the door of considering suicide.

The key to stopping the snowball effect before it’s too late is to acknowledge the pain and agony, and get help.

Getting Help Before it’s Too Late

The challenge with getting help, though, is acknowledging the need for help not only to yourself, but to others in your life. People often feel ashamed or that there’s something wrong with them if they need to go see a therapist or psychiatrist. These are simply old stigmas that have hung around, even as our understanding of mental health issues and treatments has increased for the better in the past decades.

The other thought that often goes through someone’s mind who is depressed is they cannot be helped. That their depression is so out of control and serious (or that their life is so seriously messed up), that there is no helping them. That is the depression talking. Help is available and for the vast majority of people who seek it, they feel better — some within days, and nearly all within weeks. Whether it be psychotherapy, medication or a combination of the two, most people get relief from those overwhelming feelings of depression and hopelessness.

Once the relief sets in, the suicidal thoughts and urges begin to fade. A person regains some small inkling of hope, which gradually builds and blooms over time. The idea of suicide, a year later, seems like a remote act of desperation to cry out, to stop the pain and suffering, to let others know how much you hurt.

For family and friends of drug- or alcohol-addicted individuals, addressing the addiction is one of the most difficult aspects of helping the addicted person seek treatment. Often, over time, daily family involvement has only managed to enable the addict. Family members frequently do not know how to bring up the issue of addiction therapy, and opt to ignore the problem for fear of pushing their loved one away during a confrontation or intervention.

These are legitimate concerns, and while families should understand that approaching their loved one should be a gentle and supportive process, they also need to understand that most patients seek substance abuse treatment because of positive family involvement and intervention.

Prior to Substance Abuse Treatment and Intervention

Each family is different, and the best way to approach family involvement with addiction therapy will differ with every person. There are counselors in your area who are trained to work with drug- and alcohol-addicted patients and their families, and while they can be useful to mediate the intervention process, your family may decide to have a private, non-confrontational and honest talk with the addict to implore them to seek treatment.

Whichever approach you take, it is important to understand that the family dynamic in drug and alcohol addiction is incredibly powerful, and that addressing an unhealthy imbalance in communication is your first step in moving your loved one toward addiction therapy. This type of positive family involvement can also help lead the rest of your family toward a journey of recovery and self-discovery.

During a Patient’s Substance Abuse Treatment Program

After an intervention, the best-case scenario is that the addicted individual will be compelled to enter either an inpatient or outpatient substance abuse treatment program. Each patient’s needs and means are different, and outpatient and inpatient programs have varying benefits for patients and family.

Involvement in an outpatient addiction therapy program means that patients are not separated from their families, they are able to attend classes in a facility close to their home, and patients can continue substance abuse treatment for an extended amount of time. In an inpatient (residential) program, patients travel to a facility where they undergo an intensive 28- to 30-day detoxification and recovery program. They are immersed in the recovery process and do not have the ability to leave the substance abuse treatment campus. However, family involvement is important, and inpatient addiction therapy programs often encourage frequent interaction with visiting family and friends.

As previously mentioned, patients’ needs vary, but inpatient substance abuse treatment has the obvious benefit of removing the drug- or alcohol -addicted individual from the toxic atmosphere that was enabling their addiction, and helping them through addiction therapy without distraction. This same benefit is transferred to the patient’s friends and family, who are often able to gain a new perspective about their loved one’s addiction and their own behaviors.

Family involvement, once the patient is in an off-site substance abuse treatment facility, is periodic and helps families step back and recognize negative behavior patterns. For example, well-meaning family and friends often become trapped in a cycle of enabling and codependency with the patient prior to addiction therapy. They pretend like nothing is wrong and unintentionally assist the patient’s addiction by ignoring the problem.

Conversely, family members might become distant, angry, and resentful. They may believe that they cannot address the issue without angering the patient or exacerbating their loved one’s addiction. When the family members are able to take a break and assess their behaviors and environment while their loved one is undergoing addiction therapy, they often identify behaviors and traits that they can adjust to break the cycle.

This is not to say that residential substance abuse treatment programs isolate the patient from their friends and family – quite the opposite. In a quality residential substance abuse treatment program, the focus is on the patient’s physical recovery from drug and alcohol addiction as much as it is on a mental recovery from the addictive disease. Addiction therapy is supported heavily by positive and frequent family involvement. The support that a family provides to a patient recovering from addiction is essential to that patient’s success, and residential centers will often have not only visitation throughout the week or on weekends, but will also provide educational programs for family members, such as supportive and dynamic recovery workshops and sessions for family involvement.

Outside of the residential substance abuse treatment facility, patients’ family and friends are highly encouraged to attend Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. These free programs are held around the nation and are dedicated to providing group support to drug- and alcohol-addicted individuals’ family and friends. The meetings address things such as:

helping an addict seek assistance for his or her own problemaddressing a loved one’s drug or alcohol addictionbuilding family through the addiction therapy processsupporting yourself and your loved one through the recovery processThese programs support friends and family during and after the substance abuse treatment program. They are essential for family involvement.

After a Substance Abuse Treatment Program

There truly is no clear-cut “end” to the addiction therapy process. Families struggling with the effects of their loved one’s drug and alcohol addiction should continually attend Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings (perhaps both) on a regular basis to continue a constructive program of support and ongoing education.

Alcohol and drug addiction are both considered “family diseases,” and family involvement with people combating drug and alcohol addiction requires continual attendance at these meetings during and after the formal inpatient or outpatient addiction therapy session. Additionally, while these meetings help individuals to understand the disease and how to support someone they care about, they also assist friends and family with their own emotional support during what is most often an incredibly trying and stressful time. By continuing to attend Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings, friends and family of an addicted individual can continue to stay out of the destructive cycle of enabling and codependency and fully realize the benefits of addiction therapy.

The truth is that we’ve all been there at some point in our lives, usually when things looked bleakest and hope seemed to have disappeared. At these times, not only did we feel hopeless and helpless, but worthless as well. Finding any value in what we did or believing we had value was also incredibly hard.

What we didn’t realize then – and may have a tough time believing now – is that we always have value. The key is to tell ourselves this over and over until it sinks in and we begin to believe it.

Think about what it means to have value and worth.

These are not attributes someone else bestows upon us, at least not any human. One can argue that God gives us value and worth and that without these, we’d be animals. That may be the subject of a philosophical discussion, but there’s likely some merit in the concept. For now, however, the focus is more on how our internal beliefs help shape and motivate our actions and determine the extent to which we live a life of joy and purposefulness.

Making tons of money may sound good, like a panacea to solve all problems, but it rarely happens and almost never works. Just as you can’t buy happiness, having a stack of cash won’t ensure that you feel any better about yourself than when you were an average, hard-working individual.

Being a household name or the CEO of a thriving company similarly doesn’t catapult you into the category of high self-esteem, self-worth and value. It’s important to remember that value has nothing to do with dollars and cents, with titles or material possessions, or celebrity, or stature in the community.

If you’re coming from a place of self-doubt, the realization that you always have value may take time to bubble up. It is there, your value and self-worth. It just needs patience on your part to discover and nurture it.

How can you do that? Here are some suggestions:

Strike the word worthless from your vocabulary

There is no good reason to ever use this word. It does nothing for self-esteem. Instead, replace it with worthwhile. You may have failed in an endeavor, yet your efforts were worthwhile.

Strive to see the positive in everything you do

This means everything, from the seemingly trivial to the most important decisions you make. This means making a conscious choice to look at each potential action and weigh the possible outcomes, both positive and negative, and then choosing the course that offers the most hopeful result.

Savor the goodness of life

This is important, for life’s goodness is all around you. How you view life helps shape how you live it. You can do good things, emanating from the goodness of your spirit, or dreadful things, in an impulsive, punishing, lashing-out way. Goodness is more powerful than evil. You can do more to bring about goodness in the world and, in so doing, elevate your own sense of value and worth.

Remember that each human being makes his or her own way in the world

Life is also short, so the time we have in it is precious, deserving of our best actions. How do you want to live your life so that it means more to you and helps you feel like you’ve contributed something worthwhile?

Always pursue self-improvement

Strive to make small advances toward overcoming any of your perceived or real shortcomings. Work to eliminate a tendency to be hypercritical of your efforts. In addition, and this is crucial, give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. It is from experience that wisdom comes – along with an increased sense of value and worth.

Remember, all you need to begin to believe you have value and worth is the decision to do so. Follow up with proactive, well-thought-out plans, and maintain a hopeful attitude backed by a powerful desire to utilize your strengths to your best advantage.​