The Craigslist Files

A satirical view into the world of online dating and personal ad writing on Craigslist

Just Call Me Master By Michael Brown

Sometimes I truly amaze myself with the crap I come up with. I know there are a lot of sports fans out there and many of whom feel that life could not go on without sports. My buddy Colin is one of them; well I don’t like sports that much, which is why Colin was surprised when I came up with this idea for an ad.

This ad was about a stereotypical white trash NASCAR fan who loved to dominate women. I figured there was someone out there who was looking for our Knight in brown Carhartt.

Hey there ladies and more ladies, Thank you for taking the time out to read my wonderful post. What I’m looking for is a woman that I can control one that does what she is told and never says no. I like being called master, because I am the master of this castle and won’t have anything less. So things I enjoy are fishing, hunting, NASCAR, and drinking with my friends. I love Budweiser because it is just like me a KING. Anyways I’m really looking forward to meeting a woman that wants kids and likes being controlled. I have a very dominate personality and I love to control my women. The only thing that I ask of you is when we go out you let me pick what you are eating. Just so you understand who’s the master.

Thank you BitchesJohnny PriceI have posted a picture of my favorite NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt JRThat son of a bitch sure knows how to drive a car!!

This ad, like a lot of our early works was pretty shitty. I don’t think we even went back and revised any of the early stuff; we just got the idea and boom on the web for the idiot masses to see.

The ad was up no more than 15 minutes and I had received a reply, the e-mail was from what we like to refer to as a beached whale. This lady was a huge bitch. She said that she could not believe I had posted an ad like this. She said no one would reply to the ad and that I had deep seeded issues since I like to control women. She told me to go join the Jehovah’s Witnesses because men in that church love to control women. Fortunately for me, our friend here was pretty willing to listen to whatever I told her. I told her that the only way she would see a picture of me was to call me master. At first she was reluctant but after about 15 minutes of e-mailing back and forth she finally caved and called me master. Stupid bitch! I finally just came out and told her the ad was fake and she was pissed! I guess you really can’t help stupid people.

Another e-mail was from a real freak. She was really into being controlled. I was shocked to actually find a women like this on Craigslist, but truth be told I’m not surprised she was there after what she told me. She told me that she had been in many abusive relationships in the past and that she had accepted the inevitability that she would be with a controlling person. She said that she had three children with three different men and wanted me as a role model for them. I told her that I wanted her to call me master and that I was not going to work or support her or the three kids and she said it was okay that she would support me. I was shocked, I thought this lady is seriously fucked. She said she loved NASCAR and would basically wait on me hand and foot. I decided that I had better not get to deep into something I couldn’t deal with and just tell her that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with her. She actually scared me. This was a truly crazy lady with very Stockholm syndrome like tendencies and I quickly changed my e-mail address and got away from her.

So there is a saying, “if you build it, they will come.” In the world of online dating on Craigslist, “If you post it, they will respond.” Desperation brings out the best in people, it amazes’ me even today the lengths people will go too just to not be alone in this life. I mean, good lord, do you really want to be with a beer swilling redneck wife beater? Apparently, Yes! Thanks again Craigslist for all the fun you provide me.

Our first successful ad came from an idea that was half true, a southern gentleman looking for new friends in a new state. I say it was half true because the ad really was inspired by a southern baseball player that had lived in the same horrible apartments that I did when I was 18, Roanoke Apartments, what a shit hole. But I digress. Our mystery man was a collegiate baseball star from Kentucky who had just moved to Utah and was now all alone.

Hey there, I recently moved here from Kentucky (Home of the Louisville Slugger) to start my new life. I am 24 years old and I am the first person in my family to go to college. I have received a baseball scholarship at UVSC (Utah Valley State College) and I am in a whole new world here in Utah. I decided to post this ad because I recently lost my best friend, Ruger, my chocolate lab. I loved that dog more than life itself. Ruger was my only true friend here in Zion. So right now I’m going through hard times. Anyways with the loss of my dog and not having any family and few friends here in Utah I have been down in the dumps. So I guess what I am looking for is a woman that can show me there is light at the end of the tunnel and help me get over the death of my dog. I really am a southern gentleman, I was raised Southern Baptist, (currently non practicing) I am not really sure who or what I am looking for but if you think I might like you please send me a message and a pic would be nice too. I have posted a picture of Ruger as a puppy. Your pic gets one of me.

This ad was so successful we just couldn’t believe it. I mean seriously this ad took us like ten minutes to get from idea to creation. We received over 15 responses. I think this ad was so successful is because we had a sob story on our hands. Everyone knows all ladies everywhere want a proper southern gentleman. Especially one who is down on his luck and needs love and affection, come on that was too damn easy. Women love that “rags to riches” story of a first in his family collegiate attendee. Women in Utah are especially naïve; there is no way that this ad could have failed. As most of the world is aware, Utah is the home of the Mormons (LDS) and as you are probably aware Mormons propagate and proselytize through the use of missionaries and relief aid during crisis. So any opportunity to share their faith they do, and what better way than through tragedy, especially when in the ad I said I was a non practicing member of a Judeo-Christian background, so I could be easily coerced into the Mormon religion. Or so they thought.

One of our favorite replies was from Ashley. A 19 year old, LDS, single parent, and yes I fully understand the irony.

“Hi, my name is Ashley, I’m 19, and I am a student at UVSC as well. I am a divorced single mother of one, so I can fully understand the love you have for your little pup. I was born and raised here in Utah County, I am LDS and I love it. I am a Theology major and I plan on transferring to BYU next semester. You said you are a non practicing Baptist, would you consider coming to a Singles Ward meeting with me next month on BYU’s campus? We have so much fun laughing, playing games, making music and reading scripture. It is nice because it is all young adults and we all have one thing in common and that’s our love for heavenly father and the wisdom he teaches through his profits. I would love to hear back from you. Just know, Ruger is in a better place.”Ash

See what I mean?!?! Crazy fucking Mormons, always trying to show you how great and superior they are. Don’t get me wrong, my neighbors in Utah were Mormon and they were awesome. I have nothing negative to say about the Mormons or their faith; it’s their practices that scare the shit out if me.

So my response to Ashley was this,

“Dearest Ashley, Thank you for replying to my ad. I was impressed about your passion for your religion and your willingness to help others in their time of need, but unfortunately that same kindness also makes me physically ill. You Mormons are always preying on weak, downtrodden people to proselytize your outlandish religious beliefs and give yourselves this false sense of accomplishment and self worth. While I do think it’s admirable that the LDS church uses its many resources to help in times of crisis and despair, it is fucking horrible that you expect people to accept your beliefs as divinity and salvation. To be frank, thanks but no thanks, I would rather wallow in myself pity and slice my wrists then ever go to your Mormon singles mixers. Keep up the good work though, you will someday find some poor susceptible soul to save.Cheers”

God I LOVE being an asshole! But as I expected, I would receive a rebuttal, but it was less than impressive.

“It is people like you who stand in the way of true people’s happiness. I was only trying to be nice! I feel sorry for you, you will never experience true happiness since you are so bigoted and closed minded.”Ash

I decided I would let this pretty little airbag think that she had got the best of me and put me in my place. But it wouldn’t be the last time I heard from her…

So our first real “fake” personal ad was so utterly ridiculous I’m not really sure how or why we came up with the idea. It makes exactly zero sense and again is another example of piss poor writing and execution but we did it and actually got some responses. Now Mike has never smoked pot or done any hard drugs and rarely drinks, and I have in my day dabbled in damn near every mind altering substance short of heroine, meth and shit like that. So this idea I think was partially inspired by Dog The Bounty Hunter he is always about finding the good in people and showing them they can change their lives and we both love how AMAZING and WHITE TRASH Dog is so I think that helped us with this ad.

Looking for Sober Dimes

Hey Ladies,How are the ladies of Portland, Oregon doing today? Anyways I’m looking for a special woman that enjoys life. I’m looking for someone that is special and wants to show someone new things that this wonderful state has to offer. A little bit about myself I’m 22 and a recovering meth addict. I hope you don’t have a problem with that I love to go out and drink and hang out with my people. I currently don’t drive because of my drug abuse, I do have a job that I love and I’m currently going to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor. Anyways I’m just putting myself out there because I need to rehabilitate myself with fresh new people that can show me new and exciting things. I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your timeGod blessJake

As you can see the ad didn’t make any sense at all. Why in the hell would a recovering meth addict go out and get fucked up and all the while be going to school to become a drug counselor? He also sounds like a complete douche bag. (I like hanging with my people, WTF) But that didn’t deter Craigslist’s finest from responding.

One of the responses was from this chick, Julie; she said she was 31 and also in recovery. She told us that she had used meth for about 18 months and was clean for 3 months. She said she was still struggling with her addictive personality and was looking for sober people to help her fill that void. She told us she attended N.A. meetings twice a day and she drank between 8-10 cups of black coffee a day. We were fucking shocked. This lady was crazy!! She went on to tell us all about her past drug use and how she lost her kids when she was sent to jail for 7 months. She told us she lived in a halfway house and loved getting tattoos. This lady was nuts, we decided not to mess with her and just move on to the next responder.

Another response we got was from this woman who thought that she was as holy as Jesus’ bowel movements. She told us it was completely inappropriate for someone in recovery to go out and get drunk. How we were horrible for thinking we could go out and not get mixed up in the drug scene again. Also that if we really wanted to be a recovery counselor that we should of known how wrong we were for doing all these things. This bitch totally got under our skin and she paid. A excerpt of what we sent her “excuse me bitch, who the fuck do you think you are, telling me that I am not capable of continuing my recovery while I have a few drinks when I go out? All I was looking for was someone who was going through the same things I’m going through and be able to support each other. I wasn’t looking for some goddy bitch who thinks they know what’s best for a complete stranger to sit here and tell me I’m in the wrong for enjoying my life. I would very much like to ask you to fuck off and die.” Needless to say, we never heard from that lady again. It just shows you that you have no idea what kind of people are on Craigslist, and what their motives are. It did show us how fun it is to mess with complete strangers though. We can learn a person’s inner most secrets or find how they think they are high and mighty just by reading an email. Craigslist, I love you, you will bring me so many hours of enjoyment, at complete strangers expense.

We would like to dedicate this blog to Craig Newmark and to America's lonely BBW's without whom none of our success would be possible.

Dating can be an extremely challenging process, where do you meet people? How do you make a move? What about rejection? Thankfully the internet has made the ice breaker part of dating a little bit easier. Online dating isn't exactly rocket science. It’s more like sales, talking about yourself, trying to sell yourself to the public in only a few short sentences. But it can be agonizing if you don’t know how to sell. But websites like Match.com and Hot or Not.com have made it even easier by allowing you to sell yourself using fun personality tests and simple fill in the blank answers to create a profile, all the while charging you a monthly fee for their services. Then in the late 90's Craig Newmark created a web site Craigslist.org which is a free web based classifieds site that allows you to buy and sell pretty much anything you want including yourself (figuratively) Craigslist allows people to create personal ads and post them for free pictures included.

So in early 2008, Colin and Mike would peruse various Craigslist sites and send each other personal ads. We would try and see who could find either the ugliest looking girl or the funniest act of desperation. So after doing this for a few months Mike came across an ad that was just perfect. At first he honestly thought it was to good to be true, it was simply amazing. Mike sent it to me and I could not believe it. We thought the same exact thing OMG (Oh My God) is this for real? Apparently it was real because this woman had posted her ad several times a week for about two months. The woman was looking for a new man to meet and possibly date. She had short hair that would have passed a Marine Corps inspection; she had tattoos on both of her arms and even had tattoos on her face like Mike fucking Tyson. She said that she loved working on cars and owned a '66 Mustang. She also said that she had a 9 year old daughter that you would never meet under any circumstances. But the real kicker was that she said that she had a venereal disease, and that you had to be cool with that too or otherwise you could hit the bricks.

So this got us thinking, we decided that if this is what passed for a personal ad on craigslist that we could put together a personal ad as a joke just to see if anyone would respond. So this was the first ad we created. Within 20 minutes we had a reply. It was shocking because of how ridiculous this ad was. That is when we realized we were onto something big.

Our first ad: "Just Bored", March 2008 Let me start by saying that I’m 21 almost 22. Well I live with my mother and am currently unemployed. But you don’t have to worry I take care of all my stuff I have money so no worries. I enjoy video games and watching movies. I also love music I have my own band and we love to jam to the classics that are out there.So what I’m looking for is a girl that knows how to hold it down and is ambitious and driven, I want a girl that enjoys working because I’m sure as shit not going to. Anyways I want a woman not a girl so please be cool with what I have written up above. Also my standards are not high at all so as long as you have all your teeth I’ll be happy.So I hope to hear from all of the great women the great state of Oregon has to offer.Thank you for your timeP.S. This is a real ad not a joke so please take this seriously

The most notable response was from "Lauren" Lauren said she was a rather big woman 6’1 245lbs said she had all her teeth and brown hair. She stated that she had roommates and lived on a house boat. She also stated she had a cat and worked full time. She even said she was willing to come pick me up. I was blown away by this whole thing. I talked to her for a little bit through e-mail, but never met her or kept in contact with her.As you can see our first ad was pretty terribly written and not well thought out but we did receive a few responses and that was what we were after. This was our trial experiment and could not believe that it really worked. This is what led us to our next wonderful ad