Saturday, August 15, 2009

“Chima has been evicted by the producers from the Big Brother house for violating the rules. She will not be part of the show’s jury. Her eviction will be addressed on an upcoming broadcast of the show.”

This statement conflicts with the previous report by jokers that she quit. Which one do you think is true?

Earlier today Kevin said she was "expelled" and that she's now banned from all Viacom related companies including MTV and VH-1. Good luck with that journalism career bitch!

FYI, Michele is no longer HOH. A new HOH is happening in about an hour. All will be recapped here in glorious bitchy detail.

I don't know why I'm shocked, but I am... CHIMA SIMONE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING! The queen of all things racial and all things dead animal has left the Big Brother house. Did she get kicked out or did she quit? No one really knows, but let's recap what led up to last night's surprising turn of events.

The day started out peaceful enough. Chima denied Russell was ever a Catholic and insists he's really part of some extremist radical Muslim group. Just a typical Friday morning in Chima's racist world. By the way, I'm going to be EXTRA mean today because I hope that racist cunt from hell reads this. Chima, you disgusting ignorant little piece of filth, Lebanon has a HUGE Christian population and has had since the year 1 A.D.. I know this because I went to Catholic schools all my life and many of the students were Lebanese with very strict Catholic upbringing. I remember in the 80's praying in school for a student whose family was trapped in Beirut. Just because you don't understand something and are too fucking ignorant to ask questions and do a little research before opening your stank ass giant lipped vaccuous mouth doesn't mean it's evil. For someone who prides themself on being a "strong woman", you are weak and pathetic and disgusting for using the language you did and making the accusations you did in the house. You are an embarassment to your family. Your grandmother seemed very lovely with a good head on her shoulders and even she was ashamed of you... your own family! I'm wondering if you actually thought America would side with you when you called Russell a terrorist. Are you that stupid to think that any part of you is the least bit likable?

Chima's nonsense yesterday morning didn't stop there. She also called Jeff anti-women - I'm assuming this is because, oh I don't know, Jeff played the game and made Chima essentially powerless. Chima, precious, if you had won the Wizard Power (although you never would because America loathes you with a passion), you would have used it in a heartbeat! Don't fool yourself into thinking that you wouldn't if it could have helped your game in any way. You're just mad that Jeff pulled a fast one on you and that your HOH reign was essentially a farce. You sat up in that tower of yours mouthing off on Russell nonstop for a week gloating about how you were going to send him home and, in the end, none of your talk amounted to anything of value. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Do you have any idea how happy America was that you were powerless? While you were perched on your throne of shit gloating, we were sitting at home laughing our asses off at how pathetic you were. Thanks for the good times you racist piece of shit.

I have many African American readers and not one of them has EVER come to your defense. The consensus was always that you brought shame to yourself and your heritage. Sure, it's sad you were raped and almost killed, but that doesn't mean that you are now exempt from being judged. It doesn't give you carte blanche to act like a psychotic little hose beast who can criticize an entire nation of people. Hey Chima, come here a second, I want to tell you something. Did you know that Braden now has to have a bodyguard everywhere he goes because he called someone a Beaner on national TV? It's true. He said it himself the other night on blogtalk radio. I'll bet you live your life in a pretty scary paranoid way after what happened to you when you were in college. Guess what buttercup? Your life is about to become your own personal hell. Not only have you offended Muslims, but you've offended Catholics and the Lebanese. I'm forgetting a group or two, aren't I? Oh yeah... AIDS patients and MEN. You thought the Big Brother house was hard? LOL. Wait til you encounter the real world my dear. You have NO idea what lies ahead of you.

OK so yesterday was the Have/Have-Not competition and instead of being placed into winners and losers, the HG's played to win food for various days of the week. They won food for all days except one. Kevin and Lydia have to take cold showers and the whole house won a grill. Now I'm wondering, as I'm sure all of you are, if the competition went this way because of Chima threatening to leave if she was a Have-Not. Honestly, I don't know. I wouldn't put it past Big Brother to try to make her happy. They did it with her HOH luxuries and they did it after her mockery of a reign. I want to know what makes that ugly little troll of a racist so goddamn special. Seriously, why is making her happy so important? America hates her, I hate her, and vile behavior should never be rewarded. Anyhow, when the competition was over the HG's were greeted with a smaller dining room table and it was very exciting for everyone. The changing of the tables are big milestones in the house.

In anticipation of the pending nominations some people decided to bite the bullet and go talk to the freak residing in the HOH. She's wearing latex pants (no doubt left for her with all her sex toys in the HOH gift basket) and hooker heels. Russell told Michele to put up Kevin and Chima. Michele just nodded and stuck her fingers in her ears while making a puffy face. She rubbed lotion all over her shiny pants and worked herself into a frenzy with her butt plug. Russell just sat and watched with a horrified expression on his face.

Later Natalie went up to the HOH and was thoroughly pissed off to find out Michele was putting her on the block. She grabs her crotch a lot and snarls through strands of drool. She tried to make a plea for safety but it was peppered with so many uhhhhs and ummmmms that Michele just ended up sitting there confused playing with her nipples. Natalie kept bringing up the fact that Michele shouldn't forget how Russell called her crazy only a few days ago. She tells Michele that she's willing to go up next to Russell if she has to. She says, “You haven’t screwed me thus far in this game. I’m going after the people who directly screwed me and those are Jeff and Russell. I’m not even going after Jordan. She hasn’t done anything to me yet.” Michele assures Natalie that she is NOT the intended target at all and that she's giving Natalie a chance to win POV and remove herself. Michele says if she wanted Natalie to go home, she'd just backdoor her.

Next it's our resident racists turn. Chima claws her way into the HOH all lips a blazing. She begins by kissing ass in a totally pathetic and transparent way. Michele just cuts to the chase (she's got a vibrator she hasn't used yet on deck and she's very antsy to break it in) and tells Chima that she doesn't want Russell to go home yet. Russell has promised her safety next week and she's going to go with that. Michele says, "If I get Russell out, Jeff will come after me." Chima replies, "Jeff won't go after you, he'll come after me." Chima goes on to tell Michele that Russell thinks she's nuts and calls her Cuckoo Bird, "He doesn't want a woman to win. He doesn't even like women. He's a misogynist." Chima compares Michele not putting up Russell to the cast of BB8 not putting up Evel Dick. They were scared to put him up and he ended up winning. Chima thinks the same thing will happen with Russell.

Chima is relentless. She goes on to say that Michele was "Team Get Russ Out as of yesterday up until it didn't happen". Chima says if Russ stays in the house he will convince Jeff to go after Michele. His M.O. is to "divide and conquer". He did it with Ronnie and he'll do it with Michele. Chima could actually be right about the "divide and conquer" thing, but it doesn't really matter because she'll always be a cunt rag to me. She tells Ass Licker that if she wins HOH next week she will go after Jeff and Jordan simply because Jeff used the Coup D'Etat. Why is she playing so personal? Yes, she should go after Jeff and Jordan. Everyone should go after them. Strategically, it's the smartest move, but Chima does nothing strategic. Every decision she makes in the house is based on who's pissed her off that week. Michele ends the conversation with a very funny line, "No matter what happens this week, I’ve enjoyed our time together and I’m sorry”. Amazingly, Chima didn't get the hint and went on to being utterly shocked and angered by the nominataion ceremony.

Michele nominated Chima and Natalie for eviction. Chima took the news well and acted with utter grace and dignity. She threw all of Jeff's clothes on the beds in the splish splash room and, from what I understand, had one hell of a tantrum we were not privy to. She's the epitome of all things inspiring. I wish I could be like her and kick and scream when I don't get my way. Little girls around the world (except Lebanese ones, Muslim ones, HIV+ ones, and Middle Eastern ones) should look up to Chima as their role model in hate. We should all have ratty dead carcasses attached to our heads and greasy faces. Chima Simone, you are truly one of a kind... the singularly most hated female in Big Brother history. Congratulations!

After the noms, Chima was busy hiding underneath a blanket threatening to quit while Natalie searched the rule book for a technicality that could save them all. Chima mutters, "They all know I fought off a serial rapist murderer. Don’t think they don’t know that.” WTF? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Oh shut up you miserable cow and drown yourself in that wretched weave of yours. So yeah Natalie is flipping through the rule book and apparently, it's against the rules for an HOH to tell an HG that they are going on the block prior to nominations. Really? I'm quite positive past HOH's have told people they were going on the block. I wonder if this is a new rule. Michele did, in a roundabout way, tell Natalie she was going on the block and Natalie was determined to bust her on it. The whole digging through the rule book thing really put a bad taste in chatters' mouths. They interpreted it as Ragamuffin and Racist being sore losers and trying to weasle their way off the block due to a technicality. These are the two princesses who also want Jeff and Russell to hit them so they'll get evicted. Class acts, I'm telling you. How about just playing the game you worthless pieces of crap? You signed up for this show. You knew people got evicted every week. Why are you so shocked and bothered that it's now happening to you?

Chima moans about how if she doesn't win POV she's going home. She threatens to quit and Natalie and Lydia, assure her that even though one of their group is going home this week if they win HOH next week they have an opportunity to even out the numbers. Thank you ladies. Thank you for talking numbers and strategy and not giving up like your little racist leader over there under the blanket. While all this is going on by the way, you can just tell that Kevin is getting sick of Chima's antics and is so ready to jump ship. I think it's too late for him to form anything lasting with the other side quite frankly. He should have jumped over last week. He waited too long and it's going to bite him in the ass.

Meanwhile up in the HOH, Ass Licker is busy telling stories about how she's always embarassing herself in naked and filthy ways. All her life, apparently, her clothes have popped off in family photos, people have caught her with her pants down on videotape, and she's been publicly humiliated several times over. Render me unsurprised. Years ago her husband read a poem dedicated to Michele onstage at a comedy club. It started out very sweet and romantic, but then turned into a filthy graphic pornographic sex limerick of sorts. Michele was mortified (oh you know she loved it) and all the people in the neighborhood started calling her "Dirty Girl". Upon hearing this, Jeff and Russell start cracking up. Michele snorts and scratches herself shouting, "I’m not a dirty girl! I wasn’t back then! It was like a self fulfilling prophecy!” Oh please Michele, you've been sticking things up your ass ever since you were old enough to walk. Barbies, legos, Rubiks Cubes... they were all up your ass. Your mother had to take you to the proctologist all the damn time. Instead of school photos, she has a collection of pictures that look like this:

After Michele's Tales From Pervert Land, Jeff goes downstairs to discover his clothes strewn about the splish splash room. He calmly takes them all and puts them back in the drawers. After his last trip he turns to the Red Room (with Natalie, Chima, and Lydia in it) and says, "Don't touch my shit again." Natalie says, "Who are you talking to?" Jeff replies, "You know who I'm talking to."

Later Chima continues to be the poster girl for female maturity, she's on the warpath only this time Big Brother is her target. The HG's got a mini golf set in the BY and Kevin tries to encourage Chima to come out and try it. BB tells her to put on her mic and she ignores them and flips them off. Natalie and Lydia proceed to spend an hour hogging the mini golf set and not letting anyone else play. Production is still yelling at Chima to put on her mic so she picks it up and mouths into it, "You can suck a dick." and then places the mic down next to her. Big Brother tells Chima to go to the Storage Room and exchange her mic. She says she's not going anywhere and Kevin, bless his heart, goes and gets her mic for her. Kevin knows she's being a total pain in the ass and by her acting like a psychotic freak it reflects badly on him. He's never taken part in the childish antics and has vocally raised objections to his alliances actions. He's kind of stuck though at this point and I guess he's just trying to make the best of a really shitty situation.

During all of this there was a silent battle going on for the washing machine. Jeff wanted to wash his clothes but the others have been monopolizing the machine all day. Lydia had her clothes on the "whitest of whites" setting earlier (a super long cycle) and ran it twice. Now Chima wants to do laundry as well as Jeff. Chima has planted her ass on the washing machine and is not budging. She only gets up to hog the putt putt game. She says she won't let the others practice at all for the rest of the night, "There's no way in hell they're getting to play." Kevin then comes out and hands Chima her new microphone. Want to guess what she does with it? It's pretty good. She throws it in the hot tub! LOL Natalie tries to retrieve it with a skimmer but the feeds go to fish. Here's a photo of Chima tossing her microphone in the hot tub and a photo of Natalie trying to get it out:

Inside Jeff and Jordan are discussing this season's cast and they come to the conclusion that they have the biggest bitch in all of reality tv history: Chima. I am inclined to agree. Maybe Omarosa is tied neck in neck with Chima. Jeff has come to the realization that he will probably never win this season of Big Brother. There is no way Lydia, Chima, or Natalie would vote for him to win and you know Jessie won't either. Maybe if he goes up against Russell in the Final 2 he has a chance, but who knows? He says he'll tell Natalie the secret of Lydia and Jessie hooking up if Lydia messes with things just one more time. If Jeff and Jordan make it to the final 2, Jordan will win and that kills me inside. It makes my no-no numb and defintely not ready for fun. I have a really horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that someone completely undeserving is going to win this game.

Moments later Chima is talking to Lydia, Kevin, and Natalie. She says, "Natalie I’m thinking if I win by some fluke, I’m taking you off because I think I’m going home seriously. I’m over it.” Natalie replies, "No you're not." Chima then starts to bitch that someone ate her cheetohs and she goes marching around the house asking everyone who ate her cheetohs. She comes back to Red Room and figures Russell must have done it so she goes over to his drawers (after Lydia directed her there) and takes out his fedoras. Natalie is saying over and over again, “You don’t even know if he ate them Chima. You don’t know if he did it.” You think Chima cares? Hell no! She takes Russell's hats and goes to the Have-Not room to wrap them in a blanket and hide them in a storage area. Here's what it looked like:

And that's it. That's all we see of Chima. We get a tiny bit of chatter where she accuses someone of stealing her pineapple juice and then we get fish. When the feeds come back Chima is gone and everyone is left scratching their heads. Did she quit? Did she act like a child hiding things and breaking equipment because she knew she was going to quit all along or did Big Brother finally get fet up and kick her ass out? I have no idea. What does this mean for the Jury House? A tie is possible now in a final vote. Will they bring Ronnie back to vote even though he's been home and matriculating in the real world? Will America get a vote? I'll bet BB was scrambling last night trying to figure something out.

The HG's have been instructed not to discuss the details of Chima's absence. They don't even know if a replacement nominee has to go up. I'm assuming one will and that Thursday's double eviction will be cancelled. That means Kevin or Lydia will go up. Hopefully, Natalie is the next to go, but I'm thinking it may be Lydia instead. Lydia cheered Chima on and made a lot of enemies these past few days. Maybe she will be better off tucked away in some fancy house with her Manbeast. She let me down big time this season and she's not even playing strategy anymore. She's officially out of my good graces. I gave her chance after chance after chance, forgiving her of just about everything, but that's it. No more. I'm done with you Lydia. I'll wish you happiness and just say, "You were a HUGE disappointment.". I still don't think you're a slut and I'm sure you have a few redeeming qualities, but you really don't belong in the game of Big Brother. I had such high hopes for you. I bid you adieu and wish you well.

I know I still owe you, dear readers, an all Jeff all the time photo spread. I've been saving up pictures for you guys and will let you drool all over them in the very near future. I was planning on doing it today, but you can blame Chima for the delay in all things Jeffy Pooh. Bitch ruins everything, doesn't she?

UPDATE:

This is according to jokersupdates and justtvnuts. I have no idea if it is accurate, but I'm just passing it along to you guys:

"According to someone at Joker's Updates who supposedly has ties to Allison Grodner Productions, this is what happened in the BB House while the feeds were off. This is a rumor!

Mike: Hey Guys, can you all come into the Living room please? We need to have a house meeting.

She presses the diary room button, it doesn’t go green, she tries to pull the door open (EVERYONE is in the living room sitting down btw) and Chima says “don’t f* with me, open this damn door. NOW!”

Then Nat and Lydia want to leave with her, but production asks them to remain a moment..

AG: Everyone, PLEASE calm down!

Lydia gets up and tries to open the DR door, bangs on it, crying.

Chima was SCREAMING at AG! The entire control room was told to record everything in case something happened. Security may have been there too.

Result?Chima is the first BB USA contestant to ever QUITNo eviction this weekAmerica will be voting as the seventh vote at juryChima has forfeited her stipend and will not be at the FinaleThis will be shown on TV Tuesday "

This was taken directly from justtvnuts and I have no idea if it is valid.

Friday, August 14, 2009

(Warning. This post is not for the faint of heart. If you are easily offended by anything having to do with ass play, I suggest you skip today's post and continue to live in a land free of all things anal.)

Where do I begin? *looks around the room* Seriously, where do I begin? So many thoughts swimming in my head right now that I'm having a hard time getting them in order - never mind the fact that you crazy bitches have been tweeting me all morning anticipating today's blog. My face itches, my palms are sweating, my leg is jittery, my heart races, my eyes are blinking uncontrollably, I'm thinking about taking my cup of coffee and dumping it over my head rather than down my throat. Why, it's almost as if... it's almost as if I was this girl:

When a nervous awkward Ass Licker is in power and I'm forced to watch her try to eat her face all night, I can't help but take on some of her mannerisms as my own. It's unsettling. Someone get me a vat of Xanax and Klonopin for the week. I'm gonna need it. Halcion, haldol, seconal, ludes, whatever Michael Jackson was taking... I need it all. Send it to 666 Anal Love Lane, Somewhere, Virginia. Thank you.

First, let's discuss the "live" show. I'm sure I would have found it to be a lot more exciting if I hadn't already known what happened. I swore up and down I was going to avoid all the spoilers, but if I turn off my Tweetdeck my head detaches itself from my body and that's not good for anyone so, yes, I knew everything that happened beforehand. Big Brother, I implore you, can we please not go through that again? I like to be surprised by my Thursday shows. As a feed watcher, I usually know everything that'll go down on the Sunday and Tuesday shows and Thursday is my only real day of genuine innocence and delight when it comes to Big Brother. Having people tweeting the details killed something for me. My wide-eyed Jordan-inspired awe and wonder was replaced with a bitter, cynical, know-it-all smugness I typically revile in others. I didn't like it and I place my blame solely with CBS.... and Chima.

So the devilish wild weaved woman essentially behaved herself on the "live" show. Do you want to know why? She was bribed with Chinese Food. I shit you not. The HG's were told that if they didn't act like psychotic hosebeasts during the show that they would be rewarded with Chinese Food. The girls were also given extra beauty products to keep them in line. Every single female in that house in PMSing and the tears and anger will be on the brink of disaster for the next week. Big Brother is essentially just throwing face lotions and sodium at them to keep them at bay. I picture a frigtened BB hiding behind a half opened door just chucking things to all the girls. "Here bitches... here's some Estee Lauder! Here's some Lo Mein... extra MSG! Leave me alone!"

Since the show was taped, by the time the feeds came back all the dust had settled. There were no tantrums, no screaming, no hair pulling, no kicking, no nothing. Bitches were just laying around calming discussing everything. What a buzzkill! I needed to see Chima try to decapitate someone! Instead all I got was her complaining that her HOH reign was a bust. To put things in perspective Chima, Lyida, and Natalie are mad that someone bothered to play the game. Jeff actually did something strategic and the bitches are all pissed that his strategy didn't jive with their plans to run the house and now they're gonna cry and moan about it like petulant children. Even Kevin is all bitchy about how Jessie dissed him on the way out. His scarf was askew and he kept straightening out his eyebrows with his pinky finger. Jessie made him all flustered and sad. Oh actually, Chima did knock over Russell's suitcase and dump all his clothes out. That was her big payback. Russell spent the rest of the night calling her immature to Jeff and Jordan.

What did I think of Lydia crying last night? Well, you can't call her a slut anymore. That's the first thing that came to my mind. She really liked Jessie (which is a repugnant fact I totally acknowledge). She really liked him and she was hurt when he left. Pathetic as that is, the girl is not a slut for hooking up with a guy she likes. So all of you Slut Trashers can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Jessie was (and is) Lydia's downfall in this game. I hate him for that. Instead of blaming Lydia for falling for him in the first place, I'll blame Jessie for being a total douche. He put her up, he played with her emotions, he made her jealous, he fooled around with her, he voted to evict her, and basically turned her into the emotional wreck we have now. Yes, Lydia was probably fragile to begin with, but it's much more fun for me to just blame Jessie so I'll stick with that.

In what has to be the weirdest turn of events, Natalie and Lydia could be a new twosome. They've bonded in all things Manbeast. It's kind of gross actually. It's amazing to me how much power Jessie actually had over these women. Now that he's gone, they're lost, dazed, confused, and wondering how they'll put one foot in front of the other. Totally weird for a guy who didn't really do all that much to have that kind of power. It's sick how girls lose themselves over a man. Men make women crazy, irrational, and pathetic. I'm getting an idea here... what if we had an all female Big Brother? The women would be forced to use their brains instead of their hearts. People like Jordan would never sail through to the Jury House and people like Lydia would never fall apart over some silly testosterone. Everyone's cycles would synch up and they'd all want to kill each other once a month. Get Alison Grodner on the phone!

OK so when the feeds finally came back Chima kept saying, "you don't know how much I want to go home right now.". The spoiled brat didn't get her way and now she wants to leave. She thinks it's unfair that America got to award to the Coup D'Etat to someone. Kevin adds fuel to the fire saying that Boogie actually competed for his Coup D'Etat his season. Chima thinks she could have won it too if she was given the chance. Wahh, wahh, wahhh. Shut the fuck up bitch. Kevin says (referring to Jeff), "If I had known it was a popularity contest, I would hang out and NOT play (BB) all day too." OK I'm pissed. I'm so pissed that Kevin is actually defending Chima and taking her side. I like him as a person but I really hate who he's chosen to align with. He's telling Chima everything she wants to hear... which is basically how evil Russell is, "Russell is going to dig his own grave. He's a perpetual liar". He thinks Jeff, Jordan, and Michele don't really care for Russ at all. He tells Chima, "The worst thing you can do in a war is underestimate your enemy." Chima loves this wisdom and sucks on her lips thinking about it.

So Chima is paranoid about Russell and Jeff working together and Natalie thinks she's going on the block. She has no idea how to approach Michele about it. I mean, seriously, how do you talk to an Ass Licker? You know that Jamie Walters song, "How do you talk to an angel?"? The one that was in 90210. Well, I've got a new version... "How do you talk to an ass licker?" I'm sure I can get Jamie to record it. Isn't he working construction now or something? I'm sure he'd welcome the gig. Ragamuffin wants to march into Michele and start threatening her with past promises she's made, but Chima tells her not to do that. They sit and plan the best way to approach Michele and I'm sure I heard the words "lube" and "cock ring" thrown around. I'm just saying...

This bring us to the big HOH reveal. Michele stumbles out of the DR and rattles her key like a total spaz while sputtering, "Who wants to see my HOH room?" Everyone just kind of looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders muttering, "Uh yeah I guess... I mean, what else have we got to do?" Michele, STILL wearing her nasty green sweat stained shirt with the ugly chunky plastic necklace (Did you see her pit stains during the HOH comp? I almost spit out my wine in disgust!) trips up the stairs and fumbles with her key in the doorlock. Personally, I think that act of sticking one thing into another (like a key in a lock) drives Michele wild and she spontaneously orgasms. After an eternity, she gets the door open and she stutters and stammers out some "Awwwwws" and grunts.

Some of Michele's pictures showed her with blue hair and blonde hair and others showed her crazy distant relatives that no one in their right mind gives a shit about. Lydia was impressed with Michele's willingness to try to new hair colors while Chima was busy pouting and trying to keep her lower lip from dragging on the floor. There was Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the freezer and a stuffed rat on the table. Her HOH basket was filled with the finest selection of hand crafted dildos you've ever seen (thanks Luva_!). She had marble ones, plastic ones, double headed ones, vibrating ones, anal ones, purple ones, black ones, red ones... A cornucopia of penii if you will. Buckets of lube sat on the floor and a harness with handcuffs was laid out on the bed. Jordan looked frightened and kept staring at Michele with a weird sideways glance for the rest of the night. Natalie immediately tried to strap on every dildo she could find. Ragamuffin always wanted to have a penis. Russell got turned on and had to rub one out immediately while Jeff tried to read the instructions that came with the anal beads. He was having trouble sounding out "sphincter".

After Natalie ass raped Lydia with a giant marble dildo, Michele read her letter to everyone. It took her an hour to finish the damn thing because she kept trying to lick her eyeballs the whole time. She was moving around and fidgeting a lot and Jeff couldn't figure out what the hell she was doing. Finally, Jordan tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at the ground under Michele's feet. She was standing in a puddle of her own urine wiggling her toes in her DNA. It was a frightful scene and everyone just really wanted it to end - me, especially. Her husband wrote to her about how anal sex isn't the same without her, but how the yoga poses he's worked on has made it almost possible for him to lick his own ass while Michele was away, and something about leaving his grody whiskers in the sink for her. (another mission to save the muffin has failed) He ended the letter with a story about poo. I'm totally not kidding! He mentioned how their dog pooped on the rug and how he's saving it for Michele because he knows how she likes to paint the walls with it or some shit like that.

After all was said and done I was shocked to see everyone STILL hanging out in the HOH. I thought they'd absolutely run for the door and seek out a picture of Jesus or something to heal their eyes and quiet their minds, but no, they stayed and waited amongst the vile stench trying to get a word with Michele. Chima won that contest. Bitch outwaited everyone else. Her weave has absorbed most of the bodily fluids Michele was expelling so she totally had an unfair advantage. Chima wants to get down to business, but Michele just sits there chewing her face for a while yammering on about her husband's poop chute. Chima just nods politely and placates her with some intermittent, "Uh huh.... oh yes... he seems nice... good thing you met him.... so he enjoys your tongue.... I see... " Finally, Michele pauses to pick her nose and eat it and Chima sees her opening.

Chima tells Michele that she's still reeling from the day's events. She wants Michele to remember everything Russell has ever said to her. Michele nods violently at this and farts out an old anal bead she forgot about. She picks it up and sucks on it while Chima goes on about Russell. She tells Michele he's still lying, he came off the block lying, and he'll continue lying until he's finally out of the house. Michele shouts "Sucking fucking lemon poopers! Bozo ate my poop!" Chima just stares at her shocked and continues on. I'm thinking Michele is shouting out her past "safe words" she uses with her husband, but seriously, who the hell knows?

Natalie enters shortly thereafter. She's just gotten finished violating Jordan with the purple dildo and now she wants a new one to test out. Chima manages to get Natalie to focus on the task at hand and Natalie begins to talk to Michele about nominations. Ragamuffin outlines how her "word" is all she has to give and that how this "word" of hers is like a golden anal plug (she knows exaclty how to appeal to Michele's sensibilities). Michele has her fist in her mouth as she's listening to all of this and Chima is sitting quietly shaking her head but motioning for Natalie to continue. Natalie takes the double headed dildo and caresses it while saying, "I'm just assuming Russ is going up after all the things he's said to you. I can offer you my word. I can give you my word, my integrity, anything I’m about. If I’m here next week you are not my target. Do you mind if I borrow this double header? Lydia is downstairs waiting...”

They all have their Chinese Banquet and this brings us to the a scene that will make you run for the tissues. Oh no, you won't be crying. You'll be jacking off to the hilarity of others crying. Let me set the scene for you... a giant round table, open containers of Kung Pao Chicken and Beef with Broccoli, have drunk bottles of wine, and 4 lonely women (Lydia, Chima, Natalie, Kevin) weeping openly over Jessie's absence. Chima says he was a saint. He never hurt anyone and always prayed before his meals. She's going to write the Vatican to get him canonized as soon as she's out of the house. Lydia is terribly upset that Jordan hasn't bothered to console her or stand up for what's right in the house (apparently Jessie was right and every thing was wrong). Lydia states, "I'm sorry but Russell, Jeff, Jordan are my targets now." She says Jordan is a ho to Jeff's pimp. She does everything Jeff tells her to do and that now makes her his ho. I know, I know Jeff and Jordan fans... grab your pitchforks and Lydia Hate Posters and start marching to Studio City.

The sad lonely women make it their mission to convince Michele to put up Russell. They say it's a matter of revenge now. They don't care about the money, their cult leader Jessie is gone and now, like Squeaky Fromme (who just got released from prision today) to her Manson... they will avenge all that is evil in the world for their dear lord and master Jessie. It's only a matter of time until they shave their heads and carve swastikas into their foreheads. Is Vincent Bugliosi still practicing law? I've got a new case for him he might be VERY interested in. Jordan better watch her back. Now that Natalie's stolen all of Michele's strap-ons Jordan definitely won't get a moments peace.

Michele, happy from having an erotic session that included her sticking various things up her rectum, trots downstairs glowing and stinking of god knows what. She tells Jeff, Jordan, and Russell how Natalie tried to convince her to not put her on the block. Natalie stole her double headed dildo so basically all bets are off. You just don't steal a girls dildo! That's like going against the girl code or something. Russell kisses her ass and laughs at her jokes and thinks he's safe with this new foursome (Michele, Russ, Jeff, Jordan).

Squeaky, Susan, Patricia, and Linda (my new names for Lydia, Kevin, Chima, and Natalie - I knew my past fascination with all things Charlie Manson would come in handy one day) spend the rest of the night stealing blankets and threatening to walk if they're Have-Not's this week. Lydia wants to stalk Jeff in his sleep and hide all his clothes. Chima gives a rousing speech about they're "not dumb bitches, they're smart bitches!"Natalie gets scared Kevin will jump ship and go to the other side (please do it Kevin, please do it, I really want to continue liking you). Lydia tells Natalie Kevin called her names in the past to Natalie's total shock. Lydia is unravelling... you may have thought she had bought the farm before, but oh noooooooo my dear readers. I'm predicting a week of utter Lydia lunacy, Chima threateninig to quit thousands of times, and Natalie not knowing where to turn without her leader. While all of this goes down, Michele will be snug in her bed sucking her thumb on one hand while her other hand is firmly wedged up her ass.

Early yesterday evening I would have said Michele would nominate Natalie and Russell no questions asked, but now that she's got her cornucopia of penii stimulating her nether regions she's going in an entirely different direction. As of late last night it's looking like Chima will be going on the block with Natalie. Jeff is still holding on to that secret of Lydia and Jessie hooking up repeatedly and I don't really know how or when he plans to use it to his advantage. If he waits too long, it won't matter anymore. One thing is for sure, this coming weekend will be far from boring with the Manson girls playing their juvenile revenge games.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

What started out as a seemingly boring peaceful day spotted with the colorful and incessant cackles of a wild weaved woman turned out to be a day rife with anxiety, butthole pleasures, and clashing meatheads. How did we get here? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began simply enough. Chima held court in her HOH room, Jordan said many stupid things, Michele picked her nose and ate it, Russell floated in the pool, Natalie made Jessie some sandwiches, and all was well. Chima got her HOH camera and the HG's had a ball taking posed photos and leaving Russell out. They wanted to do prom type photos and Chima made no effort whatsoever to include Russell in the fun. I don't see why she couldn't just suck it up and say, "Hey Russ, you want to take pics with us?" Instead she made fun of him floating out in the pool and cackled her way into giving me a headache.

It was about this time on the live feeds when that nasty rumor got started on Twitter. Someone sent out a tweet saying that people with tickets to today's live show were told to arrive several hours earlier. Wha.. wha... what?!?! What could this possibly mean? Why, for the love of the god, why do they need to be there early? Well, it sounds like tonight's show will be taped. I know, I know hurl yourselves off your rooftops and impale your floundering bodies on a rusty spike. What a travesty! How dare CBS tape a Thursday night show! OK let me explain. The show will be taped, but it'll be run just like a live show. It's not like parts will be rehearsed over and over again.

Kevin and Chima were talking in the HOH and Kevin said to Chima, "They've been giving us a lot of warnings about the live show." Chima replies, "Well, I made a lot of threats to go off again." Then we got fish. A lot of uncontrollable factors are going down today: Wizard power, nominations changing up, and Chima's reaction are just a few. In addition to that, they need to recap, talk to Chima in HOH, give speeches, vote, have an exit interview, and run an HOH competition. There's so much to get done in a very small period of time that pretaping the show makes perfect sense. Some little bits here and there may need to be edited (For example, we usually see the HG's walking to the DR to vote. That's wasting precious time! Instead we'll probably just see votes and leave the boring walking to on the editing room floor). CBS needs to make sure to get it all in within an hour. Pretaping allows them to shorten interviews, speeches, goodbye messages, what have you. They've pretaped shows in the past. This is nothing new. I really don't think this is a reason for everyone to get their panties in a twist. Everyone is dying to see Chima's reaction. CBS knows this. That's why we're all so super psyched about tonight. Bitch is going to go off. CBS will also need to ample time to bleep out all her expletives. Tonight's show will be super drama filled and the earth will continue to spin. Calm down people.

By the way this rumor has been CONFIRMED to be true so all of you pessimistic hags in the chat saying that Twitter is a den of lies and evil can burn in hell.

I will say that it is very annoying that Chima is able to threaten Big Brother and get away with it. I'd really like to see the American Big Brother become more strict and not hesitate in handing out punishments - much like BBUK. Everytime Chima curses on TV they should take money out of her stipend. Everytime she refuses to do what Big Brother says, she should be given a day of slop. Instead Big Brother is giving her everything she wants (a bloated HOH basket) and tiptoeing gently around her. She's a tiny wild weaved cackling witch. Why is Big Brother so intimidated by her? They must have known what they were getting when they cast her. Why they chose to air her rape story WEEKS after she divulged it in the house is still a mystery to me. What is this magic power she has over Big Brother's balls? Is Big Brother rooting for her to win? Good god I hope not.

Ok so after the photos and Twitter drama, Russell and Jeff were sitting outside by the pool having a chat. Jessie was inside spying and getting paranoid. The above photo is Jessie watching them through the sliding glass door. Jessie later joins them and Russell tells him that Jeff is working on getting him votes. Well, Jeff said nothing of the sort and a dull roar of panic began to rumble through the chat rooms. Did Russell just piss Jeff off enough that he won't use the Wizard Power now? Jeff was indeed annoyed. He got up and walked away from the conversation. Here is where I need to announce again that IF JEFF DOES NOT USE THE WIZARD POWER, HE IS DEAD TO ME! If Jeff really lets a stupid comment from Russell stop him from advancing in this game, I will hate him forever. I don't care if he makes sweet love to Jordan and she gives birth to twins on the show. I don't care if he really proposes to her and they sail off into the sunset together. If Jeff does not use his power, he's a fucking idiot and I will have nothing but hate for him. I hope all of you lunatic Jeff/Jordan fans join me in this proclamation. This is the one opportunity for Jeff to impress us. He's been playing like shit and he alone has the ability to change this game for the rest of the season.

This entire season up until now has been played personally. Why does Chima want Russ out? Because he hurt her feelings. Why did Russ want Ronnie out? Because he lied to him. Why did Jessie want Braden out? Because he made racist remarks. Very very few decisions in this game this season have been strategic. Natalie is after Lydia because she's jealous. Michele doesn't like Russ because he called her crazy. Everyone's precious little feelings are getting hurt and they react immediately. That's really no way to play this game. Leave your feelings at the door. Even I've been getting sucked in to the whole "feelings" racket. I was mad Kevin didn't take down Lydia because they're supposedly friends. I should have been mad because Kevin risked pissing off his one and only true alliance in the house. Damn these bitches for turning me into someone who like actually cares about others.

Here's a conversation that took place in the HOH between Chima and Kevin:

Chima: I wonder why Jeff is so standoffish.

Kevin: I think he genuinely doesn't like us.

Chima: I think he just doesn't like people. In that game last night he said the one thing wrong with the world was people.

Kevin: I think something must have happened to him to make him so angry and unfriendly.

Chima: I think he thinks women are scumbags. He's definitely a bros before hos kinda guy.

OK so what's wrong with that conversation? It's all about sappy poopy feelings. That's what's wrong. These two have been sitting around with too much time on their hands overanalyzing everything to death. That's all well and good. I'd imagine I'd do the same in that house. The only thing is they're not focussing on what's important. If Chima really thinks that Jeff has the power, then why isn't she considering the fact that he might actually use it? Why hasn't she entertained the idea that things just might not go her way? Why the fuck isn't she wondering how she should play it if Russell ends up staying this week? Woudn't you guys be planning for every eventuality? She should assume the worst (Russ stays and become HOH) and construct a plan of attack. I do this all the time in my everyday life and I think I'd do it all night and day if I was in the BB house. If ever I'm questioning a decision, I always ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen and what should I do if it ends up happening?". It's just common sense to me. I'm utterly shocked and surprised that no one in Chima's crew has sat down and thought about what would happen if Russell stays. Stupid idiots.

Speaking of stupid idiots, this brings me to Michele. The HG's got a half way party yesterday to celebrate the fact that they've made it to the Jury House. The feeds went down and the HG's got music, food, and alcohol (the Have-Nots were able to eat and drink for 2 hours). When the feeds came back, guess who had a few too many sips of wine? You got it. The Ass Licker. We all know by now that when the Ass Licker drinks she gets loose lipped and skittles fall from the clouds. A giant scratch and sniff rainbow straddles the sky and Michele begins to talk about butthole pleasures. No surprises here - Michele gets off on it. She asks Jordan, "Have you ever had a finger up there?" Jordan says yes but it was weird. Michele, clad in a brown potato sack, licks her eyeball and says, "I'm only happy answering butt sex questions because lots of people already have butt sex." Yes Michele, but all of those people aren't on a live feed with thousands of others watching. Those butt sex people aren't touching themselves ferociously fidgeting for all the world to see. They're at home shoving things up their asses in private. Unlike you, Ass Licker.

Jordan then begins to tell a tale of a porno she once saw where people dressed up as pigs begin to lick each other's asses, "They were just going to town. They got a meal." Naturally, Michele got all hot and bothered. Ass Licking is her forte and anything ass licking related is right up her alley (so to speak). The conversation then turns to Michele's nocturnal moans. Bitch moans, screams, and talks in her sleep. It freaks out the HG's and it's apparently freaked out others in Michele's life as well. She'd talk shit about her college roommates in her sleep and then wake up to find them all pissed at her. It caused her a lot of problems in college (obviously before Debbie came to her rescue). Jordan chimes in and says she's had 2 sex dreams in the house. Jeff perks up and says, "Oh really?". She says they weren't about anyone in the house and then Jeff punched himself in the balls. Jordan goes on to tell a story about Casey waking up in his old man "whitey tighties" with a boner. Ewww. Just ewww.

When I was little I was a sleepwalker. I'd wander the neighborhood at night and then wake up with dirty feet wondering how they got that way. I'd also eat crazy things in my sleep too and then I'd wake up and vomit everything I had eaten. My mom would get so pissed off thinking I'd purposely eaten a whole box of chocolates she'd hidden away from all us kids when in fact I had no idea the chocolates were in the house in the first place. My magical powers would take over as I slept and I'd discover my mother's hidden chocolates and I'd eat every single one of them. I woke up sick to my stomach barfing and my mom made me go to school anyways. Bitch! Whenever I'd spend the night at friends houses I'd wake up repeatedly through the night and find myself in different peoples beds. I remember one night in Corona Del Mar. I woke up in my friends brothers bed, in her older sisters bed, in her parents bed, and then on the floor of a bathroom. What the hell was going on with me as a kid? So weird. I don't do that now of course. Now when I wake up in mysterious beds I usually have an inkling of an idea as to how I got there. ;)

Apparently, Big Brother told Michele before she entered the house that her talking in her sleep would equal good ratings. Oh, so is that why she was cast because I still can't for the life of me figure out why she's in that house? Apparently, Ass Licker also has a bad sense of smell. Ok that's way too easy. Insert stinking asshole joke here.

Later Lydia, Chima, and Kevin are in the HOH chit chatting about stuff and Lydia says that Jordan looks a little "withered" lately. Well, tweak my nipples and slap my ass. All the crazy Jordan fans went into a frenzy. How dare Lydia say that?!? Well, I hate to break it to you, but Jordan has been looking very sloppy lately. She's such a pretty girl, but she walks around with her hair all yucky and in dumpy clothes. She sniffs her pits all the time and openly declares that she smells. I'm sorry, but this is horrifying to me! Nothing is quite as offensive as body odor. When Jordan dresses up and looks all put together she's quite lovely. It's just that she rarely bothers to look nice anymore. Lydia isn't as pretty as Jordan and her style is definitely unique and probably not a lot of people's cup of tea, but you have to admit that she spends a lot of time constructing her outfits, fixing her make-up, and styling her hair in unique ways. People rip on Lydia's style all the time, but she has fun with fashion and I don't think I can fault her for that. She takes risks and I kinda dig it. Would I wear Lydia's outfits? Probably not, but I try not to judge people for having fun with fashion. My favorite designer is Jean Paul Gaultier. I like things that are a little wild rather than something you'd find in a J. Crew catalogue.

Kevin and Chima chime in saying that whoever makes it to the final 2 and takes Jordan with them is a moron. I wholeheartedly agree. It would be very tough going up against her in the final even though she's essentially done nothing worthwhile in this game. Chima says she'll be livid if Jordan wins. I'm going to do something crazy and agree with Chima on this one. The one time Jordan had a teeny tiny bit of power (when she could assign the Have-Not's) she completely fucked up and turned it into a joke. Jordan lost me as a fan when she asked Jeff to carry her to the Jury House. She hasn't won anything, she hasn't made any important decicsions, she gossips when Jeff tells her specifically not to, and she's a fucking moron. Yes, she's cute, charming, and lovely, but she should NOT win this game. It would be an insult to the entire Big Brother franchise. If Jeff got evicted next week, Jordan would be completely lost. She'd probably team up with Russell or something and have him carry her along then. Sure, she's comedic relief, but that's about it.

This brings us to the weirdest fight yet this season. Russell and Michele are in the splish splash room and Russell is working her over for a vote. He's telling her that his main goal is to get Chima out and that Michele would be safe if he stayed. Michele is chewing her lips, nodding ferociously, and itching her butthole in agreement. THEN Jessie comes barging in. He leans over and talks to Russell like he's a child. Russell explodes saying he's just doing what he has to to stay in the game. He's not going to sit back and die, he's gonna fight to stay in the house. Jessie turns and yells to Michele, "Didn't you just tell me he called you crazy?" Michele bites her lip and farts. Then Jessie and Russell REALLY get into it coming frighteningly close to kissing each other in the process. Hot. Not. LOL

The fight gets really intense with lots of shouting, finger pointing, and posing. Yes, posing. Russell imitates Jessie doing his fey bodybuilder poses and Jessie's pin head looks like it's about to explode. When the fight finally ends IN A HUG, chatters and tweeters everywhere were totally confused. It turns out the 2 meatheads followed through with their plan (made a few days ago and outlined here) to pretend not to like each other. Remember when Russ told Jessie he could go after him if he wanted in order to keep up appearances? I think the fight was a little bit of that and a little bit of, "We are total morons fighting about nothing, let's just kiss and make up." A lot of what was said was legitimate and came from the heart, but in the end they gazed into each other's eyes and fell in love.

The whole time that weird sexual fight was going on, Natalie had run upstairs to report it all to Chima & The Gang (much like Kool & The Gang). She's foaming at the mouth scratching her scabies saying that Michele has them all played and that she's the mastermind loving all of this. Ragamuffin says, "Michele is a fucking snake dude." Jordan shortly thereafter runs up and starts telling every secret everyone has ever told her in her short trailer parked life. Does Jordan really think those people in the HOH are her friends? Doesn't she know they all see her as a threat? Is Jordan really that clueless to trust them? Yes, my dear readers, she is. Yes, she doesn't have a filter and yes, she'll ending up screwing Jeff in the end. I'm sure of it. She'll reveal something down the road - something she should keep secret and Jeff will get mad and explode. I can totally see it happening.

Ragamuffin, itching for more scandal, sneaks back downstairs and tries to spy on Russell and Jessie. She overhears their love fest and decides to join them. She tells Russell that his biggest mistake was putting Ronnie on the block and evicting him. That was what pushed everyone over the edge she claims. Yes, this was the instigating factor, but his fight with Chima is what permanently cemented the tiff.

Jessie later goes up to the HOH and informs them that Russell was just trying to do whatever he could to stay in the game. He says that Russell will be going home in 9th place but with 4th place money (since he won his cash prize). Russ said, "I don't care. I want to win first place." Michele starts licking her palms and stammers, "He never apologized to me for calling me crazy." Oh shut up you psychotic freak! You are crazy. Plain and simple. No apologies needed.

Chima, never one to leave a group unoffended, goes on to say how she sees Russell going to prison one day. He'll be locked up with all the sociopaths and end up killing his wife. OK Chima. A man rejects you and now he's a psychotic lady killer? She continues on saying he needs shrinks, meds, and electroshock therapy. As a fan of all institutionalized crazy people, you offend me Chima! The crazies are here for us to learn from. Give me a book about someone locked up in a state run hospital and I'm in heaven. Susanna Kaysen, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Sylvia Plath, Norah Vincent... the pantheon of crazy girl writers. I love each and every one of them. Could Chima Simone be next on that list? The only person in this house I see committed (other than Michele, she's a given) is Chima. Please Chima tell detailed stories about how the Haldol makes you drool and the plastic on the community couches sticks to your ass. I'll be first in line to buy your memoir. I promise.

So that's where we are. The fit will be hitting the shan tonight, even though it'll be a pretaped shan. Here's what I'd like to see happen: Jeff uses the Wizard Power, puts Natalie and Jessie on the block. Jessie goes home. Russell then wins HOH, resolidifies his alliance with Jeff and Jordan, nominates Natalie and Chima, and Chima goes home next week. I want Chima to have the most hellish week of her life. If another HOH can provide that, then that's fine, but I think there's a certain beauty to Russ getting it. It will infuriate Chima and whatever infuriates Chima delights me!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

(First person who can name the movie where my title quote comes from wins nothing, but gets my appreciation)

A whole lot of nothing. That's what's been happening. A big pile of shite. A big pile of stinking fly buzzing shite.

Oh a girl as dumb as a box of rocks shaved her legs... in the backyard... almost squiritng herself in the face... with a goddamn garden hose!

Oh and she didn't rinse the razor off once... not ONE time. She just kept shaving away without a care in the world. If this idiot wins this game, I swear to god... I'm gonna flip out.

It also appears as if BB has told Chima to stop calling Russell a terrorist. She tells Jessie in bed that she can't call him that anymore. It won't last. She'll call him a terrorist on Thursday when he's taken off the block by Jeff. I can't wait. Jeff will stand up and mumble something about being the Wizard then Chima will stand up and point at him and shriek, "If you take him off the block, that makes you a terrorist sympathizer!" Then she'll turn to Russell and scream, "Terrorist! Terrorist!" Yeah, that's totally how it's going down. Drinking game for Thursday will be to take a shot everytime Chima says "terrorist" or gets bleeped. Just go ahead and get a gallon of your favorite liquor for that night. You'll need it.

What else? What else? Oh Jeff got another day on slop because he took a sip of Gatorade. Chatters are all pissed because Lydia was the one who called him out. I don't think she did it on purpose. They were sitting in the backyard chilling and Jeff chugs some Gatorade. Lydia says, "Jeff, what are you doing? You can't drink that!" In all honesty, if it was me, I would have done the exact same thing. I'd absolutely call out someone for cheating ESPECIALLY if I was on slop too. If Lydia had been a HAVE, then I'd say she was a bitch for calling him out, but she's also a HAVE-NOT so she has every right. Natalie is more the slop police than anyone else. She's like a glorified hall monitor when it comes to all things Have/Have-Not.

Russell decided to catch a bug in a plastic baggie. A cricket or a grasshopper I think. I wonder what his plans are for it??? Maybe he'll put it in Chima's bed or sneak up behind her and stuff it in her weave. That bug could probably live out a happy peaceful on her head. I'm sure there's tons to snack on in there. There's probably already a mate for it there too. Yeah, that bug would have a dream life aboard the Chima Weave Of Love. I have no doubt there's already a thriving bug metropolis in there as we speak.

Later Jordan made a tomato sandwich, but she forgot one crucial ingredient. Care to guess which one? Yup, TOMATO! I swear to you people, I'm not making this up. I mean I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Later the HG's play a game where they answer questions on cards. The questions are supposed to be thought provoking I think. Didn't Alyssa Milano have a book of questions on an episode of CHARMED? I'm sure she did. If there's one thing I know, it's my CHARMED trivia.

Lydia and Chima are discussing how they've been making Jessie food and Jeff says, "Who loves him more? That's one of the questions on the cards!" LOL Touche Jeffie Pooh. Touche. Natalie chimes in and says, "Jordan. She left you and went to Jessie." (stab yourselves in the hearts Jeff/Jordan fans)

Lydia asks: Is there a soul mate for each person?Jeff: There's 2 soul mates for each person! (ba dum bum!)Lydia: Oh come oooon!Natalie: I have a soul mate at home and his name is Jason.Then Jessie took the grilled cheese Chima made him and shoved it up his ass.

The HG's decide to play Table Topics in an organized fashion. Up until now Natalie keeps yelling at everyone and trying to take over. They make it mandatory and say it's going to be run like a POV meeting. Jessie says in a sing songy voice, "Hey everybody, it's time for the Table Topics Meeting..." Natalie tries to take over as emcee, but Lydia quickly snatches the cards out of her hands and gives her a wet willy (maybe?).

Typically, I'd need to embellish the dialogue, but trust me when I say this game verbatim is entertaining enough. No embellishments needed.

Lydia: What are the redeeming qualites of the person you most dislike?Chima: Cackle cackle cackle, Yeah where's Russell?!?Natalie: Noooooooo You need to do it this way.Lydia: Shush!Jeff: Russell?!?Kevin: What would be his most redeeming quality?Chima: Ummmm that he's not in the room.

Lydia: Would you prefer money for a housekeeper, a cook, a gardener, or a personal secretary?Natalie: Would I prefer money for what?Lydia: WOULD YOU PREFER money for a HOUSEKEEPER, a COOK, a GARDENER, or a PERSONAL SECRETARY?Natalie: Ohhhh uhhhh a cook.Kevin: Why?Natalie: Because I can't cook.

Lydia: Jessie, if you had a boat what would you name it?Jessie: Little shoutie!Lydia: What he calls his car.Kevin: You can't use the same name!

(I totally agree with Disneyland. I freaking love it there. When I was little I was being a total bitch one day at Disneyland and my mom thought it would be funny to take me on Space Mountain. She thought it would scare me into being a little angel. It was dark and windy and loud with the space shuttles whizzing by in the blackness. I was petrified as we approached the roller coaster. Once aboard I screamed in delight telling my mom it was BEST RIDE IN THE WORLD! My mom was so pissed. I begged to go on it again. She just snatched my arm and dragged me off to Adventureland. I love everything about Disneyland - even the stupid Lincoln dummy who talks. You go see him when it's too hot and you need an air conditioned rest. Disneyland rocks.)

Lydia: What's the temptation you find hardest to resist?Kevin: Tempation? Oooooh anything of the ass variety.Jeff: Ass variety?Kevin: That's the type of temptation.

Lydia: Which vice would you indulge in if it had no negative side effects?Jordan stares ahead blankly. "Vice" is too big a word for her.Lydia: So something naughty, if you could indulge in something naughty without any bad things happening, what would it be?Jordan continues to stare wondering what "indulge" means.Jessie: Like every single cookie in the world.Jeff: Or drugsJordan: I don't knoooooooow.Chima: What's your vice? Is it sweets or drugs?Lydia: Or sex?Natalie: Or gambling?Jordan: Definitely not sex. Probably eatin' chocolate.

Lydia: Which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?Jeff: Ummm, whew, probably like a city?Lydia: Yeah, which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?Jeff: Can I say like Rome? Yeah, that's cool Rome.Jessie: Why don't you say the land around your house or something?

Lydia: OK Michele what has been the most spiritual experience of your life?Michele: Oh ummm like a heavy duty thing?Jessie: SeriouslyMichele: Ummm hearing the Dalai Lama speak.Lydia: WoooooooooowKevin: Shut the fuck up!Michele: He spoke at a Society For Neuroscience convention a couple years back and I was like 2 rows in front of him chewing my face off and pointing to my no-no. Lama totally dug it.(OK so maybe a teeny portion of that was fabricated)

Kevin: Lydia, which celebrity do people say you resemble?Lydia: I don't know!Jeff: You just looked at yourself. Who did you see?Natalie: That girl who was married to Flavor Flav.Lydia: Brigitte Nielson?Natalie: There you go.Jeff: Who do you feel? It's your question.Lydia: When I have long hair it could be Hannah Montana.

Here we go....

Lydia: OK Jordo, what's your dream job?Jordan: Dental HygienistLydia: Your dream job?Kevin: Your dream job?Jeff: I already knew that!Jordan: Yeah, I've always wanted to do it.Chima: I thought you said you wanted to be a broadcaster.Jordan: Well, that's like a backup.Jeff: You should be friends with that guy on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He wanted to be a dentist. You ever see the claymation movie? That guy!Jordan: And I also thought about ummm....Jessie: A monster truck driver?Jordan: A radiat... oh ummm what is it? Radiology? Like you know doing ummm uhhh mammograms.Lydia: You just want to do something where you get to wear glasses and a coat.Jordan: No, like you can wear scrubs everyday to work and can get like paid good and you don't have to depend on anyone.

Lydia: Michele, if you could work as an assistant for anyone in the world, who would you work for?Michele: Gwen Stefani! I love her.

OK I'm sorry, but my head just exploded. There's brain matter being flung around the room from the ceiling fan above me. I can't listen to this anymore. Let's change gears.

Natalie, Lydia, Jessie, Kevin are convinced Michele is lying about where she works. Apparently, she lives in Pasadena and they think she walks to work. Lydia says there's a NASA center in Pasadena. They think Michele works on people's brains rather than rats. Seriously? You people think Ass Licker actually works amongst humans? Hell no! She's locked in a room with only her tiny rat friends to keep her company. She speaks her own special rat language to them and licks all their asses when no one is looking. Little does she know that her labratory is covered in closed circuit cameras and that all the security men pass around the Michele Ass Licking tapes at their weekend poker games. She's a legend in the rent-a-cop world.

Lydia tells the others how Russell calls Chima Chia pet and say she's a cackling witch who has Natalie and Jessie wrapped aroung her finger. He's 100% so far. He also said that Lydia was a cry baby and that Jeff and Jordan are the only nice ones. Natalie tells Lydia that Russell said to watch out for Lydia and that she'll do anything to stay in the game including using her body. He said that Lydia offered to get in the shower with him that first week so he'd use the veto. Lydia listens to all of this and says, "Oh really?" Russell isn't telling any lies there and I was excited to see someone use sex as a tool in the game. Little did I know that Lydia was a insecure time bomb who needs the approval of men to get herself through the day.

They discuss how Russell is planning to go off on Kevin. Upon hearing this, Kevin says, "Still?" Jessie tells him, "Don't worry. I got you." Anyone else think Natalie, Jessie, Kevin and Lydia make a really weird foursome? It's unsettling. I HATE that Kevin is siding with Chima and that he's dragged Lydia along for the ride. They go on to dicuss how Russell will probably wear his fedora on Thursday because he's breaking out everywhere, "He has craters. He has like Mars and Jupiter." Jessie says the stress is getting to Russell, "He's bugging out." Interesting choice of words.

Then the conversation actually gets interesting. They all talk about how they want Sushi. Jessie says a Sushi party would be the best. Lydia tells Natalie they'll have to lay her down naked and put Sushi all over her body in strategic places. Ok seriously, the blood vessels in my eyes just burst. Natalie says she'd do it. She'd do anything for Sushi right now. THEN Jessie brings up sex. He says thinking about sushi is like thinking about sex. Once you start doing it, you can't stop. Natalie says she's not like that with sex at all. Kevin says girls don't think about sex as much as guys do. Lydia says, "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?" Jessie says, "It's been like a month and a half." Oh really Jessie? According to my calculations it's been a couple weeks. Who on the outside world, in their right mind, without $500,000 at stake, would sleep with Jessie? Oh that's right... Manchelle.

Ragamuffin finally puts 2 and 2 together and says, "You just said it's been a month and a half and you don't even have a girlfriend. So you say you just sleep around with random girls?" Her horns begin to emerge and she starts to drool. Jessie says it's called self preservation. Ragamuffin starts to grow hair on her knuckles and says, "So you sleep with people you're not even in a relationship with?" Jessie does the equivalent of sticking a stake in her heart and says, "Man I'd hate to be your husband then if you could go a month and a half without sex." Clear the decks! Hide your children! A rabid Ragamuffin will be grabbing her crotch up and down the formerly peaceful streets of your neighborhood. She's going to kill your kittens and leave long trails of drool all over your front porches.

Then Natalie says she's not going to lie and say she hasn't had sex with her boyfriend but that you should wait until to marriage. Kevin, bless his heart, says, "Do blow jobs count?" He then goes on to sneakily address the huge elephant in the room. He says, "When girls have sex with a man they get emotionally involved." Jessie replies, "No they get too controlling." *bites fist* Lydia just sits there quietly not saying a word and then later calls Natalie out for being a hypocrite. Natalie thinks that one should wait until marriage yet she herself hasn't waited. Lydia then says that some women use sex as a tool of negotiation. Hmmm ok, yes they do and it would have been nice had you been able to pull it off Lydia, but instead you got attached to a hairless Manbeast!

You can choose to cover your ears or eyes here if you want. Jessie talks about giving girls orgasms. He insists no one has ever faked it with him, "the screaming, the convulsions". I know, ewwww, just ewwww. He says, "When you can paint the walls with the squealing..." Jessie, honey, those girls are probably screaming for you to STOP touching them down there. It's like that Seinfeld episode where George tries to do Jerry's move and adds a knuckle. "It feels like aliens are invading my body." Sometimes girls squirm when they want you to stop. I'm quite positive that's what's going on with Jessie when it comes to bedroom activities. I refuse to believe Jessie has the first inkling on how to please a woman. Jessie just doesn't get that girls fake it to appease a man. He says he doesn't care if he gets off, he just wants the girl to enjoy herself. Let's all roll our eyes together. Yeah riiiiiiiiiiiight. The Two Pump Chump likes to please his ladies. (The phrase Two Pump Chump is copyrighted by Jediaces. Any use of the phrase must be obtained by specifc permission from the one and only Jediaces or else he'll beat you up.)

Lydia, the precious angel she is, says, "Do you know how many times I've faked it?" AHAHAHAHA!!!!! Thank you Lydia. Thank you. Jessie says, "Ok I'm not going entertain the thought that you guys think something I know to be true. Whatever." He starts to pout over the revelation that women may fake it. Lydia says, "Well then I'm glad you're confident in your abilities." The subtext is genius. You can't listen to this coversation without reading between the lines.

The conversation gets even better. Jessie insists he's made girls squirt. Still... I REFUSE to believe Jessie is good in the sack. It goes against everything that's good and holy in the world. Precious little ponies just collectively hurled themselves off of a cliff. I think he just must have seen that in a porno somewhere. The topic of discussion turns to spit or swallow. Natalie says, "Of course, spit." then she backtracks and says, "Who says I even do that?" I think what's going on with Natalie here is that she wants to join in the convo, but realizes that her dad is probably watching so she clams up and gets all shy. Jessie says if you eat pineapple it makes it taste better. Excuse me, I have to go vomit now. Another mission to save the muffin has failed. Pineapple? I knew Jessie drank his own junk. I can totally see him doing that. OK I apologize. This has totally gone to an ugly place. I'll end this here.

Oh wait... one more thing. Natalie tells Lydia that if she was into dating girls, she'd date Lydia. She says Lydia intrigues her and then Jessie's head explodes. Natalie says, "Everyday you're growing on me more." HA! Did I not say that in my pre pre BB11 predictions? I said I saw some hot love between Lydia and Natalie totally happening. Before the season started I said I wanted some Natalie/Lydia girl on girl action. It soon morphed into me wanting Lydia/Jordan girl on girl action and since then, I admit, I've totally given up, but that doesn't negate the fact that I'm a total genius with secret magical powers like John Edwards, James Van Praague or Lisa Williams.

OK let's play a little game amongst all of us. It'll be our own Table Topics. Here are your questions. Answer in the comments.

1) What would be your dream job?2) If you could be an assistant to anyone in the world, who would it be?3) What vice would you indulge in if it had no side effects?4) What was your most spiritual experiece?5) Who is the celebrity you most resemble?

I'll go first:

1) Travel Journalist a la Anthony Bourdain - intellectual, funny, hip, world traveled2) Someone who travels a lot and lives an opulent lifestyle. Maybe Tony Robbins or Richard Branson. Someone who'd inspire me in the workplace.3) Drugs. Who am I kidding?4) Summer Solstice on top of the Glastonbury Tor5) If Shakira and Jenna Jameson had a mutant child...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I feel like Jordan right now. There is literally nothing in my head. I have no idea what to write. I don't like this feeling at all. How can someone go through life like this? If only I had Jordan's powers to dream of gumdrops and lollipops. I'd imagine a fanciful world. A world where stuffed animals came to life, where chipmunks came and whispered truths into my ear, and where cookie dough was one of the four major food groups. Unicorns would frolic in the clouds and giggling would be mandatory at least 10 times an hour. I'd poop marshmallows and pee lemonade. Too much information? I don't care! I'm Jordan and life is a bowl a fruit loops.

To be read with your best southern accent:

Ok so hey ya'll. My name is Jordan and I'm gonna tell ya'll what happened in the Big Brother house yesterday. Ummm we had a umm meetin' and Kevin didn't use the veto on Lydia. I don't know why he didn't use it cuz I thought they were like friends, but once my brother had a friend and they were dyslexic together and my mom and I just laughed and laughed. It didn't matter none to my brother. He kind of reminds me of Forrest Gump, but he's really smart ya'll just a little slow. No, I don't mean that in a bad way or nothin'. He's sweet. Oh and he also used to be fat, but he's not anymore. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be sayin' this stuff, but it don't make no nevermind so ummm ok Kevin didn't use the veto, but you know what? Those couches in that room are sooooooo comfy. This one time my mom and I were at Sears and they had comfy couches there too. It was so funny. You should go there and see the comfy couches. You would be like, "Wow these are comfy couches."

After the meetin' I stayed outside tryin' to get a tan. It's sunny here in California. I mean, I knew it would be sunny, but I didn't know it'd be all the time sunny. It's really neat and I think I'd maybe like to live here cuz I like the sun and all but I don't know if I like "all the time" sun all the time. I'll think about it later. In the meantime, I'll put a black shirt over my face cuz when I put black over my eyes it's like I'm in the dark and if I'm in the dark than maybe I can like sleep. I don't know though cuz sometimes I can sleep when there are lights too. It's so funny.

You know what I want now? I think I want a fruit salad. I think I'm gonna cut up some fruit and eat it. I'm not real sure what all fruit we got, but I know some are fuzzy and some aren't. Peaches are fuzzy, right? This nectarine looks just like a peach. It kills me that it's not a peach. I'm surprised they just don't call it a peach too. This one time this girl I went to school with had a peach. It was so funny. I was like, "Why do you eat peaches all the time?" and she said, "Cuz I like 'em". I told Jeff that story and he liked it. He asked me if the girl ate furry peaches or not furry peaches. I couldn't 'member, but she was kind of mean to me so I hope they were fuzzy and that the fuzz hurt her fingers. Why don't they just call peaches nectarines? It don't make no sense. Are furry and fuzzy the same thing? Like this dog in my trailer park is furry, but my mama's beard when she hasn't shaved in a few days is fuzzy.

When I get out of this house I'm gonna go eat fast food. I really want to get Wendy's and dip my fries in a frosty. We always used to do that back home after the late shift at Hooters. I also like to put pickles in my coke. It's funny. It looks like giant boogers are floating in my drink. I once told my brother I put boogers in my drink and he ran away screaming. It was so funny. I'm gonna tell the man who drives me away from here to stop at MacDonald's or Wendy's. Did you ever put sweet and sour sauce onto a MacDonald's apple pie? Oh my gosh it's soooooooo good. You have to try it. Those apples in those pies aren't real are they? I don't think they can be real cuz apples are hard and those pie insides are soft. They should call them Fake Apple Pies instead. I once tried to dip my apple pie in barbecue sauce but it wasn't as good as the sweet and sour sauce. The barbecue sauce is better for ummm puttin' on sundaes. If you mix it with the hot fudge, it's really good. Afterwards I have to fart a lot, but it's ok cuz it smells like cotton candy.

I'm gonna put a canteloupe in my fruit salad I think. Jeff went and got me one and it reminded me of that volleyball man in that Forrest Gump movie. You know the guy who was on the island and had the volleyball man? I think his name was Wilson. This canteloupe reminds me of him. I wonder if it'll cry when I cut into it. Don't you like to be sweaty sometimes? I like to be hot and stinky every once in a while. It feels good to be sweaty. My friend... her boyfriend works a lot and they weren't doing it cuz he left and she was frustrated they weren't doing it so she told him if you're not gonna to have sex with me than I'm not gonna take my birth control. HAHA! Isn't that funny? I told Jeff that story today. He liked it. He said that girl wasn't gettin' any bizness. I don't really know what that means but it sounds like it should be funny.

I was telling Chima that I think Russell stares at me. He's always followin' me around like the guys do at my job. This one guy at work once told me he could be my funny uncle. I don't know what that means cuz I don't have any uncles, but he was nice. He gave me $10 that night. That's a lot cuz he only ordered like some cheese fries and $10 is a lot to tip for cheese fries. *giggles* I just saw Jeff's crack. He's losin' weight on slop. He's like my brother. My brother is always showin' crack. I think Russell wants to see my crack. I don't know. He makes me feel funny the way he's always sniffin' after me. Maybe he just likes the way I smell when I'm sweatin'. I think I'm gonna vote him to go home. I think Michele is the Wizard and that Russell is gonna go home anyways.

Chima gets really mad at Russell. She was mad at him all day. I think maybe she really likes him so when she's mad at him it's like she's flirtin' with him or somethin'. I don't know, but all she does is talk about Russell. She was tellin' Michele that when Russell fought with Ronnie it was all planned. Isn't that crazy? I don't think it was planned at all. Jeff doesn't think it was planned at all either. I don't think they could make somethin' like that up so good. It'd be hard to act mad all the time at someone. Chima thinks it's funny that Russell is always wearin' a hat now. She says he's got zits. *giggles* I used to have zits on my chin when I was in school. These older seniors used to make fun of me. They're fat now so I can laugh at them when I see them at the mall, but they were really mean to me when we was in school.

This one time at work we soaked pineapples in vodka. You leave them there for like 3 days and they get really strong. I think Russell was eating those last night. He can't 'member nothin' he said to Jeff last night at all! Jessie is really mad at Russell too. Maybe Russell likes to smell Jessie like he likes to smell me. I don't know, but they was talkin' last night and Jessie told Russell that he doesn't trust him. He said that Russell betrayed him when he chose Jeff to play in the POV. Jessie is such a baby sometimes. I don't know how a man with so many muscles can get so mad at everything all the time. If he ate some fried pickles, he might get happy. I'll tell him that later. Jessie kept making silly faces to Russ though. Is this chin really big or is it just me? He looked like this:

Michele has lost 10 pounds on slop. Isn't that crazy? For some reason, I gained weight on slop. I only deep fried it in grease and covered it with maple syrup. That shouldn't be bad or nothin'. I think the poop it gave me made me gain weight. I wonder how much poop weighs. It's prolly a lot. Michele's clothes don't fit her no more. I could loan her some of my clothes, but I don't have none of them pretty dresses she wears so she may not like that. Michele told Chima that she thinks Lydia is a liar cuz she said she likes Evel Dick. I don't see how that makes her a liar but it has somethin' ta do with femininnism and ladies. There's a word I can't never remember that the other girls say all the time. I think it's mysgenny. Yeah that's it... mysgenny. The girls don't like it, but I don't know what it means so I can't tell if I like it or not yet.

Last night Big Brother gave us Play Dough. Lydia was really happy cuz now she can make play dough people. She's so creative. I can't never think of nothin' like that to do. She's always sewin' things and makin' things and wearin' costumes. I can't never think of how to do stuff like that. Once when I was little my mama gave me and my brother play dough. We used to feed it to our cat and it died. Isn't that funny? My brother put it in the microwave and my mom got mad cuz it made our trailer smell real bad.

TURN OFF JORDAN ACCENT NOW...

Ok so seriously nothing happened yesterday at all. It was very boring and I had no idea what to report today. Hopefully the Jordan story above was slightly amusing and kept you updated. A lot of what I wrote was taken verbatim from the magic that is Jordan's brain. Crazy, right? The peaches, the birth control story, Jeff's crack, the volleyball/cantaloupe, the french fries... yes, she said all of those things. Parents I implore you to educate your children. Invest in their future and send them to elite private schools if you have to. If you don't, they may end up talking like Jordan, our resident genius.

A super special shout out to Kitty! Thank you so much for the lovely email and the nice things you said. It made my day.