Monday, December 12, 2011

It’s not as fresh in my mind anymore, but still clear. N I've less emotions in the way of the truth, so words are flowing to me a lil easier too.

Basically, I went into the night with such high hopes for all the best outcomes of a situation I thought had such potential. I wasn’t about to homewreck, but I wanted to be friendly to T__ n just reciprocate whatever he put out for me, and if history repeats itself, then he'd be extremely sweet, affectionate, allover me. I wanted that. I wanted just that. And in my fucked up lil head I justified that if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be homewrecking cos it meant he didn’t have genuine, deep feelings for the girl in the first place, n that he was coming onto me n not the other way around. I did want to tell him though, to just tell him straight up that I did have feelings for him, but that I understood he had already “moved on.” Woulda said that I just thought he deserved to know…but watta bitch move right? Why would anyone do such a shitty thing, to acknowledge someones progress but try to pull em back. Then again, it wouldn’t have mattered cos he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore, right?

(Y____ calls me huffy for all this lol.)

Uugh. I feel stupid just thinking about this ish.

Best case scenario that I kept hoping for, was so pathetically confident about, was that T__ n I would spend a lot of the night together, just enjoying each other’s company n being at least half-honest about what feelings were or were not there. That’s it. I’m a stupid lil hoe, for wanting him to just miss me and realize that she's not good for him. It's just so fuckin selfish of me to want him now, regardless of the situation…if I didn’t already know about the girl, then in my defense, he initiated everything, gave me the signs that it would be okay to want to be with him. I keep thinking about the way he was to me just over a month ago when I was there, n about all the things he said to N__ like if I wanted to start over, or why she didn’t tell him I slept alone so that he could sleep in his bed with me. All said while he was with that girl. You don’t think like that when you truly care about your significant other, n when you do, you out yourself n the fact tha they're only around to fill your loneliness…but what do I know about their intentions right? N I cant even play dumb through all this…its not right…stupid stupid stupid. Get the fuck over yourselfffff, K__.

So the reality was…everything was different.

Dammit. I just feel like such a stupid fucking cockyass bitch...

I was all nervous but excited to see him. Then, when he's finally home, he pops into the kitchen where N__ n I are, n is half-surprised, half-idgaf to see me. So I say, “Hi, T__!” to which he just says, “Oh. Hey, K__,” before heading to his room…

Yeahh that’s cool…nice to see you too...

There was just barely any emotion to his tone or his expression. He looked exhausted from work, but even more exhausted to see me…

So that was disappoint #1.

#2. Dinner

Food's ready, so I knock on his door frame to get his attention. Door's already open, he's standing around on his phone but it's not a call. “Hey, wassup,” he says, mad nonchalant, barely any eye contact or attention. I tell him dinner's ready, he says he'll be there in a minute. I turn n leave.

He comes in in his pj’s, n lifts his shirt to scratch his chest or whatever. He has a biiiig fuckin belly…not toned…at all…N__ n I are both staring like, the hell are you doing, so he just laughs n says he's itchy…

Next, the three of us, him, me, n N__, are sitting at the table together n eating. It sucked. Just maddd silence. He was damn focused on his food, n not into carrying conversations. I asked him about work, n all he really said was that it was stressful, exhausting, n that he had a month off from classes but would probably take up more shifts at Microcenter. He said the side jobs were coming in though, which meant good money. If I wanted to hear more, I would’ve had to keep asking him questions, but I wasn’t digging the vibes so I basically stopped trying, settled for silence.

N__ n I had our own talks across the table though, at times as if he wasn’t even there. Meaning I just wouldn’t look at him. N__ wasn’t digging him either cos he was insulting her cooking. When he had his head down in his food, we'd exchange looks, stares that meant we acknowledged the weirdness happening, n that it was frustrating the hell outa us.

At one point, N__ n I were joking about me being a hooker like we always do, n T__ pops up n goes, “Hey, cut that out,” or "Stop it,” something like that…n I was kinda like damn, chill your tits dude, n N__ told him it was a joke. It reminded me of how bad he felt over the summer for making the same jokes, thinking he took em too far. N that reminded me of how little he understands of my humor, my personality.

Towards the end of the dinner, there was a cute moment…he grabbed the ends of my chopsticks, looked at them, looked back at his, n then said, “I knew it. You split the chopsticks wrong.” Our pairs were mismatched, but we each had the other’s half. “I have your half, n you have my half. 1 half plus 1 half equals a whole. So together with two halves, we have a whole. Half yours, half mine.”

N then when he finished his bowl of rice, the rice I gave him, he told me, “I had just enough rice. You know me so well.”

N__ was gone by this time, so it was just me n T__ in the kitchen. He was by the sink washing dishes already, so I tried to take my time n just eat slowly enough so that he wouldn’t wait around to wash mine too, but he did…I pushed him away though so that I could, n he didn’t handle me the way he did last time. He just let me do what I wanted, kept his hands back.

I don’t know. The energy n the interactions the whole night were just different. Felt as if he was firmly creating distance between us, keeping things less than platonic. Even when I brought a piece of fluff bread inches from his mouth, he took it with his fingers instead. I know that 2 weeks earlier had been Thanksgiving n that the girls whole fam had come over to eat the food he n his mom prepared. I also know that he wants their parents to have a sitdown dinner to really meet n talk, which pissed Q__ off bcos he doesn’t believe their relationship's legitimate.

Then when Chi T_____ was on the phone with N__, she said I should go sleep with him bcos the girlfriend wasn’t there!! It was pure coincidence though! N__ hadn’t told anyone that I had feelings for him, n also said that Chi T_____ just really doesn't like the girl either from all the things the fam tells her. Literally no one but T__ likes the girl, but here he is making shit serious.

After we were out of the kitchen, T__ went to his room, shut his door, n I went to N__'s. n that was it. I didn’t see him again for the rest of my time there.

In the morning though, when I was half-awake, I laid there in N__'s room, petting sushi while watching the cracked door with blurry eyes. I could make out that T__'s bedroom n closet door were open, the light was on. I could hear him moving around, rustling clothes. So I laid there, eyes half-open, laid there hoping on the tiniest chance that he'd come in, “wake me up,” n say bye before he went to work…he didn’t.

Like I said in an email to K__, it made me so sad to see him unhappy in my presence, or not unhappy exactly, but maybe emotionless? I don’t know, I got the opposite of what I expected, just like I deserved. I wrote that I woke up sad that morning, n the morning after, n the morning after again. Yeah, earlier this week, I felt like shit. For more reasons than just this, but it had a part.

.

Then Thursday night, D____…like the fuck is happening all of a sudden? We ended up fb chatting for I think half an hour til 1:30 am, n then I reeeeeally needed sleep n pce'd. I can't deny that I was high n loopy as fuck from the minute I saw his wall post to me. Every minute that he hadn't im'ed back, I was twitchy n shaky n buzzing with joy n happiness for his every word.

My godddd im a sucker! Sucha damn sucker for him!

But see, that’s the thing…I'm forreal unsure bout what this all means to me. I can't help but be so fuckin relieved n happy n thankful that he thought about me, but I don’t know what or how much that means for either of us. Feelings for him are still there, but much much subdued. I've taught myself to think of him less, for my own sake. Started wondering if I was forreal getting over that ish or just handling it differently.

I crave D____'s presence, appreciate so much that we talked n hopefully will keep in better touch now that our break's are almost here n he'll be around. He even asked about getting froyoyoyo...♥ (Still, it reminds me of all the empty invites he's ever made to me...) I love that this means were friends, but I don’t know if I should still bother pursuing for much more, or if I should even burden myself with the feelings that come with that want. Even now, I can't help but see “us” as a lost cause, but stay clinging to the hope that we're not. Since day one I've held tight to that hope...since day fucking one...

Still, at least I can call him a friend, n that's more than I could have ever (realistically) asked for. It's also not something I'm willing to risk now.

I honestly do think that my feelings for T__ haven’t completely gone out the window, hahah. But my emotional depths for D____ are over a year in the making (not counting all the other years that I've known him/thought he was the shit). They exist year-round no matter how shallow at times. I just can't help but still want what I've always wished for. Feel meh?

N you know what else is crazy? That all this craycrayshit is part of my wish, the one I make with every wishbone n numerous numbers on the clock, daily.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

This week was hell, commitment-wise and emotionally. I kept jumping from the extremes of the spectrum, which are downright shitty or straightup shitting rainbows, and then back to my normal state of living zombie. Most of the times though, I'm just chilling in my zombie mode, where I don't really feel much at all (which makes me unhappy, which is technically a feeling, but I don't wanna get technical right now...). As A__ said, we're just going through the motions. I should be used to this, but instead it's killing me right now. Sometimes, I just feel so dead inside that it scares me. Scares me. And when I get like this, and look in mirrors, I laugh at how much I hate what I see. Not cos I'm hating on my face n how ugly or unattractive it is, but bcos I don't look alive. It's downright depressing to look at myself, and I'm starting to hate that it's what everyone else sees, too. It's like I'm rotting. Hahahah, I'm crazy, aren't I? :)

When driving with ba on Friday, I pulled my first fucking hit-and-run... No idea how bad the damage to their side-view was, but it didn't sound good... Ours looks fine though. I'm going to hell, if I wasn't already. World, I am a female asian driver and deserve every stereotype you've ever made for me.

T__. I just feel so fucking stupid n unhappy, but this is everything I deserve.

He made the Dean's List, n hung the letter up on his fridge. ♥ Proud of him.

I love his slash N__'s fam so ridiculously much. Those parents break their backs like no others, but the mother's putting in her two-weeks soon. ♥ Thank goodnizz.

Friday night over at N__/Q__'s was so very fucking neededdddd! Love that woman ♥ She always makes me wanna better myself, like when we were couponing n cooking together. Girl's got maaaad skills. I gotta keep up!

We fell asleep to Glee on Netflix, plus Viet comedies that reeeeeally fuckin tested my linguistics. :( Happened again when we met the monk in Malden at Co Lan's. The terms and grammar he used were so complicated, all relating to complex topics like spirituality and recited in poetic ways slash the style of teachings. Could not for the life of me completely understand any of his stories. </3 Fuck my uncultured ass...

Burnt the first batch of cookies!!!!! Their oven was ridiculously strong n I'd never used it before... I feel so much damn shame when I create fucked up baked goods. I refused to let N__ feed any of the messed up ones to the fam! Not that the others were even perfect, since the oven flames were still so powerful they'd burn the underside of the cookies while the tops were still doughy.

I love writing on trains ♥ not in the graffiti sense though! (Still gotta do that at some point in my life!) I mean pen-in-hand-meets-notebook-while-riding-the-orange-line writing :)

Stole mad Vietnamese music, which I listened to on my slow way home. I wonder if the strangers sitting next to me could hear it hahah. Must've thought I was such a fob ♥

On the bus ride home, a car almost crashed into us, but our driver was smart n braked in time. Then we all applauded her for saving our lives. It was a sweet thing.

The kiddies ♥ I got to see them twice this week. I love em oh so much, it hurts most days. They're the funniest lil kids I know, I swear! Makes me so happy to see them, mess with them, feed them clementines, share gushers. N Gi Bon, my god </3. She tried to thank me for coming over this past month to visit them, but choked up. She was straight crying n didn't want me to see, so she ran over to the sink to do the dishes, n said bye from there. Didn't want me or the mother to see her face, although we already knew. But there was absolutely nothing to thank me for. Back in the car, the mother laughed about Gi Bon, her sister, crying over the kids, which kinda pissed me off. I thought about it later though, and all of a sudden realized, after years of struggling to understand why she does that, that it's a mental health tactic of hers. She's always been doing that, that laughing at serious matters to make em seem trivial. I don't blame her. You do whatever you need to keep happy, n that's exactly what she does... Me though? Bawled when I got home. I think I always cry after I see the kiddies n Gi Bon, but I don't mind. It feels good to just feel something, anything.

S________ n I are becoming biddiesss, yo! We had sucha coolass, crazy heart-to-heart last night. He told me he had mad respect for me cos one time (LISTEN UP, SASSY) S_____ told me to be in dresscode, so I spat back, "Wear a bra!" N apparently he just thought that was the funniest thing ever, n still remembers that one moment even though it happened last year. I was dyingggg cos I had no memory of that ever happening! I'm so happy S_____ n I have that kind of relationship though, where we can just happily shit on each other ♥

J_____: yeahhyou used to be soo happy

J____. It fucking bothers me how I feel like she doesn't give a shit about me sometimes, n only focuses on herself. I try to open up n just vent for a minute, but she takes it right back to herself. I listen to sooooo much of her shit, n give her advice n encouragement n just my full attention. She can't reciprocate half of that. After your friend rants about what's making them upset, who fucking says, "Moving on... the boy I met yaddahyaddah..." Fucking kidding me..?

My expectations for people are always too high or too low. I never learn to just stop expecting.

PSAT scores... I deserve a heavy pimpslap to the face. Did not make National Merit. Helloooooo to loans, baby...

All the school work, piling up... fuck.

I needa be on top of India trip forms... fuck.

Somedays, I'm proud of myself for taking care of this fam's paperwork. N then other days, I wish I didn't have to. But it'd be so fucking ungrateful of me to say so.

AFH bio to write... aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh I just wanna keep writing useless shit until my brain un-fucks itself, n then I'll get back to writing logical ish for school/work

D______ got fired..... :(

Y____'s hooooome n a changed babe!

A__, yoooo. I need more lunches with that girllllll. I hope she had fun Saturday night, but I don't know if she went or not. J_____ didn't make it sound so good... n I messed with him about his lil scandal hahah. It's really sad though... He only did it cos he felt pressured n inexperienced, cos people kept telling him "head is head"... :( gross. He doesn't find her attractive.

H_____ told me I've been a jerk to him this whole month.... EXCUSE ME, BITCH? WTF?!?! But all good, we still just chill now n then. I'm always wishing he was more reliable

Can't express how disappointed I was when people laughed at the HIV/AIDS stat announcement. Not fucking acceptable. Motherfuckerssssss. Things like these are what keep me from having pride for the hellhole.

B____ is fucking hilarioussssss.

Drove with the mother. It was unbearable. I'm done repeating the same mistake. I'm not driving with her again, ever, until I get my license. I was pissed n frustrated as shiet. Shoulda known that two bad drivers do not make a right.

She's been on n off my ass all week... it's makin me postal.

I broke out in hives twice this week, but N__ didn't notice when it happened at her place cos we were chillin in the dark n bout to sleep. It was a light reaction that time too. But fucking damn, it was so bad on Wednesday. Couldn't get shit done bcos my skin was burning. Everywhere.

Houston. Soon. Keep troopinnn.

Talked to A__ bout this a lil earlier this week... Been feeling hunger less n less. I feel like I should be worried, but I'm not. I like not being limited by one aspect of my health for once. It's weird, but I kinda like it. I ate a goodish amount at N__'s though. Kinda. Plus a lot of burnt cookies cos I hadda dispose of the evidence.

My sleeplessness hasn't been this bad in a looong while. From Sunday to Thursday, I'd lay down at 1:30 am or later, just to lay awake with my eyes closed till 6:30 am. Literally. My head's just always buzzing with so much shit that does not leave my thoughts alone for a minute. I'm drifting in n out of consciousness for hours, until I have to be fully awake to start another day. My body aches, gets stiff, wakes me up from my "sleep" cos I needa shift. Pure restlessness. It's fascinatingly exhausting.