Children First, Even in a Divorce

Children First, Even in a Divorce

Posted By
Whims Legal Group

There is an old proverb to the effect of “The way of a person always
seems right in their own eyes.” If you think about it, nobody ever
really thinks that whatever they are doing is wrong or improper, they
only think it is the “other guy” who is misbehaving. This
is never more true than in the unfortunate instance where a family is
going to break apart, and the children will have two (or more) homes.
I am a long-time family law attorney, I have litigated many custody cases,
and I write this article as an appeal to any parent who is, or may at
some time in the future be, involved with the breakup of a relationship
that also includes children.

Unfortunately, in my practice I have seen countless incidents of what parents
ought to not do when getting a divorce. For instance, it probably does
not take a lot of common sense to know not to bad-mouth the other parent.
However, a party to divorce will look me in the eye and say, “Well,
I never do that,” but at the same time they have already told their
children that “Mommy/Daddy just doesn’t love us anymore and
that’s why she/he left us.” That parent failed to see how
devastating their passive/aggressive comments will be to their children.
Please let me make some suggestions about a few other frequent issues
I see when broken families fail to put their children first:

1.Do not use your children as weapons. Of course, nobody ever thinks they are doing this, but as parents fight
over custody and control of the children, the brittle and fixed nature
of their position tends to have less to do with the children and more
to do with putting their figurative finger in the eye of the other parent.
This is especially true when mom/dad demands the children or refuses visitation
of the other parent, then parks the children with the grandparents and
goes out for a night on the town.

2.Do not be a Disney dad/mom. Frequently, if one parent has less parenting time than the other, they
will fill up what time they do have with a never-ending series of games,
gimmicks and events. They will justify it by stating that the child(ren)
enjoyed themselves and “we all had a good time.” While that
may be true – and certainly parents should have a wonderful time
with their children – it should not be at the expense of over-stimulating
and/or spoiling their child. Not only does it set up your child for failure
later in life, as they expect the rest of the world to be a merry-go-round
ride, it also sets up the other parent for failure, as they are left to
handle the more mundane parts of raising children.

3.Utilize the time you do not have with your children. What I mean by this is that during the days or hours your children are
not with you, maximize the amount of work or other activities you wish
to tend to or that must be accomplished. That way, when you have your
children, your focus will be solely on the children and not on these other
activities. If your job has overtime or flex hours, do your best to take
that extra work time when your children are not with you.

4.Be flexible. This is a hard one because most parents will point to the two, five, or
fifty other instances when the other parent was not flexible. First of
all, if the other parent offers you extra time with your children, drop
whatever you are doing and say “yes.” With the possible exception
of losing your job or a medical appointment, nothing is more important
than time with your children. Don’t be angry with the other parent
when they do offer you this time with no advance notice. Simply say “thank
you” and make arrangements. Not only that, but the next time you
have the choice between a babysitter or even sending the children off
to a friend’s and/or perhaps the grandparents’ house, call
the other parent instead. It will be best for the children and your patience
and kindness will ultimately bear fruit in due season.

5.If you are upset with the other parent, try to never show it in front of
the children. The expression of anger is a self-indulgence that only rarely advances
your cause. Anger also indicates a lack of self-control, and you will
be teaching your children to lose self-control as a way to manipulate
their environment. Do you want your children to behave in that fashion?
If not, have the self-control and discipline to save that anger and frustration,
no matter how righteous, for a time when the children are not present.

To put it bluntly, it is not about you, it is about the children. Get over
yourself and put your children’s needs first. That does not mean
spoil them. What it means is your children desperately need your love,
patience, guidance, time, and discipline. They do not need lots of “stuff.”
They need
you. And, as much as they need you, they also need the other parent in their
life. Do not be tempted to sabotage your children by subtly or otherwise
giving them reasons to have disrespect or distaste for the other parent.

It is ironic that I specialize in high-conflict divorce and custody matters.
I have been so blessed by my wife and children that the thought of losing
them is enough to take my breath away. Perhaps that is why I try so hard
for my clients to get their children in the best place possible under
the circumstances. So if you are in a situation where the family is split,
the first thing I would recommend you do is look in the mirror. Are you
being wise in your own eyes? If you really and truly think what is best
for the children, would you behave in the fashion that you have or that
you are contemplating? No matter what happens to your family, the children
must come first. Because if you don’t put them first, who will?

Besides being a family man, Robert Whims owns Whims Legal Group, PLC, 12935
S. West Bay Shore Drive, Suite 300, Traverse City, MI 49684. He specializes
in family law and custody matters. He can be reached at Telephone: 231-938-6099;
Facsimile: 231-421-6686; E-mail:
rwhims@whimslaw.com