June 30, 2005

Day # Whatever... fuck the day-counting thing, that seems like noise for folks who don't intend to become super-lifers. Amy and me are still in the game and maybe it's easier... who really knows, I don't... shit is-what shit is.

I feel flattened. Like a lightweight drumroller rolled over me 16,000 times and I'm stupid enough to keep asking the thing to come by for another pass. The holes we dig for ourselves.

I've been doing some digging and the way I'm eying things from my corner of the globasphere is thus-

Everyone's got a Bag. Some might know it, others might sense it and then... there are the clueless. I had/have a Bag. It was/is music. I say was because if you don't flex the muscle it stiffens, if you don't use it... you lose it. Nonetheless, I had/have it. I know what it feels like to play some shit that makes people STOP and stare, get lost in it and FEEL what I'm conveying... and if not feel my thing, feel something. Affect/Effect. I know how to channel the shit that floats above us all [in the ether's] and translate it into sound. Some say/call it a Gift... I wouldn't know, I've had it since I was well... me (born). It's my language... it's still my language and really the only language I'm at peace speaking (words are only a meager substitute). A surgeon of the night sky that repairs all broken things.

I peeled away from that (my original self... my "true self" as the Original Americans would say) because of a multitude of reasons.

1. The birth of our daughter2. HATING the business of music3. The back-stabbing bullshit in the NY jazz scene4. The distrust and keeping up with Joneses that was prevalent back in '99 (if you're readin' this you know who you are)5. Self-promotion and a deepening chasm of distaste for it (refer to #2)

In the last few days I've come to realize I'm on a quest. What kind, for what, to where, to what means or end... I haven't the answer(s). I just know I am.

First, setting myself straight for wellness, well being and peace. Then... (?)

June 27, 2005

Spent 12 hellish hours yesterday with the single worst headache I've ever experienced in my lifetime. Between pacing around the house, on my hands & knees chanting "Please Leave, Please Leave, Please Leave", cat-napping for no more than 2 hours at a time and a good solid hour of violent dry heaves... I made it through the headache. Small miracles. That fucker was vicious.

Vicious.

I feel different... not sure how but I do. I'm still completely dairy, animal, salt and sugar free. No coffee, no tea... just water for drinking.

I'm living like a Monk.

Physically-per exactly what I was told to expect-I'm very tired and weak... sleepy even when I just wake up and pretty foggy headed too.

Went for a very short ride... felt good, but quickly got exhausted and started having a lot of cramping in my legs and abdomen (again, I was told this is normal during the transition).

June 24, 2005

Today is supposed to be as hot as the space between your white polyester gym trunks and the green naugahyde seat of the school bus you were riding in on the way to some long forgotten amusement park back in mid-august of 1978, as some kind of school-related dangling carrot to lessen the sting that school was just about ready to kick back in. That said, I'm still getting the F out and putting foot to pedal x 2.

Amy's at work (7P to 7A... bless her, and she just text'd me to say she's getting a fever no less-yuck), Chloe is watching The Santa Clause in the living room because she's become a Vampire like her daddy and me?... I need to talk and every cat I know is either sleeping or out partying and trying to get lucky.

Plus, Chloe and me couldn't sleep because the nice folks that live below are having Karaoke Night out in their backyard this very evening (it is Friday after all... so no complaints here. Actually, no complaints any other night as well... I'm easy going). But, I could only hang in bed with Chloe for so long listening to the 143rd go-round of "Sweet Home Alabama" sung by 3 drunk female twenty-somethings. Even I have limits. However, Chloe loved it and had to keep pushing back the curtains to take a look as well as clap at the end of ALL of the 143 times they resolved the final moments of the song into alcohol soaked laughter. Chloe's easy going too.

So to recap-

1. Tomorrow I shall ride.

2. Amy is getting sick, unfortunately.

3. Chloe is too kind and likes staying up late like her "used to be a musician" Daddy.

4. There is more than screaming "SWEET HOME ALABAMA" to singing Sweet Home Alabama but apparently not when you're drunk. Tired-assed song anyway, imo.

5. I can talk to my computer but the fucker still won't talk back to me.

June 23, 2005

Today is Day #1 of 6 weeks of detoxification. No caffeine, no sugar, no salt, no dairy, no animal products whatsoever, nothing refined... no flour, nothing-NOTHING processed. No sweetener substitutes... zero.

Soups made with any of the above ingredients, raw fruits, blended salads (raw fruit &/or veggies done up in either a food processor or blender and consumed from a glass), salads with dressings made with raw fruit & veggies, etc.

I wanted a challenge, I must lose weight too... this is the plan that will hit on both. Besides optimizing my health, I'll lose weight (lots of weight) maximize energy, build my immune system and a whole host of other bonuses. According to studies this will also boost natural reserves of Serotonin, reconnect transmitters and put in check depression (my depression could also be a result of weight, diet, a lack of goal setting/undertaking/completion, staying inside too much, not getting enough exercise, etc).

Finding Dr. Joel Fuhrman through one of the great folks who responded here at Large Fella (John H. "Hoppy") has been an amazing discovery. His books and concepts are truly incredible.

One additional Thank You also... everyone who responded to my "Raw" entry-your views truly helped me start thinking about things and that made a huge difference for me. Thanks.

June 21, 2005

After MUCH research, pondering of life, watching Trans-Atlantic weather patterns and my navel lint-I've gone and purchased 5 books and read almost all of them.

They are-

1. Eat To Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman

This seems to be a solid book. Makes lots of sense and is based on practical data and facts. I've got the book, done the shopping, joined his user group... we start the day after tomorrow and next week I'm going to see him in person for a consult.

2. Fasting and Eating for Health Doc Joel (again)

Very interesting and may just adopt some of it once I'm underway with the Eat To Live program.

3. The Complete Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyczyn

Just as Paul C. over at Carfree Family suggested... it's fantastic and wonderful! A real hoot and mucho food for thought. I can see easily wearing this book out.

4. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

A few folks suggested this to me and I was VERY skeptical at first because I'm not big on non-musician authors tying in any philosophies-religious or otherwise-with the Arts and particularly improvised music... i.e. Jazz. That said, I bought it and read it and it's cool. Certainly, the parallels between passion for music (Jazz) and belief systems ring true... I just tend to get nervous and sweaty-palmed when Christianity enters into the fray as there is usually some kind of sales pitch involved.

June 12, 2005

Came across this blog earlier today while I was participating in "Scott's Pipedream #1,298,965 For Procuring A Real Life" and it really piqued my Jones.

I figure Amy and me could both get our CDL's and be partners... have Chloe packed away in the sleeper cab with her toys and Angus our resident dumbass cat. Throw in a couple Bike Fridays for rest stops and mandatory downtime, and we'd be good to go.

Probably get my ass kicked for being a "Commie" at the average truckstop when I pulled out the BF and started pedaling around the parking lot on it.

June 09, 2005

We are sorry. Very sorry. Sorry for so much badness for so long. We've put so much nasty shit out into your lungs... your blue skies, your snowy white clouds. We've taken advantage of your good graces and enjoyed sucking the O's your clear days have allowed the Sun, your 3rd cousin twice removed, to jonez up through photosynthesis in trees. I know we hardly ever thanked ya.

All that said, and with major snaps in the respect department... what's up with the palm trees growing in NYC? I speak figuratively of course, but jezuz... it's like 98 fugging degrees today and yesterday wasn't much kinder.

If you can't find it in your heart to let up for me or my kin folk... how about them Gotti boys? With all the hair product they use certainly days like this have to be reeking havoc on their doo fashions. The doo goo must be just drippin' straight down into the contact lens altered irises of their pouty pisano eyes. Poor lil' bastards. Have some heart.

This is like middla August hot. This is southern Florida, Ben-Gay scented, eat-all-the-stone-crabs-you-can-for-$9.99-AARP-cards-accepted, hot. This is clothing-fouled-with-cheap-suntan-lotion, hellishness.

June 07, 2005

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. I am mostly dissatisfied, displeased and unhappy (even though I've become awfully goddamn adept at slapping a stupid smile on my face lately).

I need to change a lot of shit in my life. A LOT. I'm mostly clueless as to how or where to begin.

I'm tired... and especially tired of me. I feel mostly uninspired and 100% uninspiring. I am bored with Me.

I need some BIG balls and mine are small. I need gobs of courage and I have barely enough to type this. I need help... and I don't know how or who to ask-and I don't trust getting any because I'll probably just fuck it up and disappoint me and/or the giver of the Help.

Mentally, I feel just completely exhausted and burnt out. Popped, like a blown out light bulb. Physically, much the same... and I hurt too. My knees, my back, my hips... the list grows.

I have zero motivation and spend the better part of each day either trying to ignore the signs on the wall or digging deep within to keep some little bit-shard of optimism/positivity in my mind.

I don't know where to begin with getting fit... cart or horse first? I really had shit on track last Fall with riding and then we stopped when the weather got really cold and my mojo just completely evaporated too. I've ridden twice since then... 2 fucking times! Unreal... but it's true.

I'm jive and a sham. I subscribe to Lists, I love most everything about cycles and the culture of it... 99.9% of this blog is about cycles & cycling and I barely fucking ride one at all. I'm a bullshit artist. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm 41, I'm overweight like a gigantor, I'm sedentary like a marble Buddha and I'm tired of it... lost because of it and absolutely clueless how to really impact a change on me.

I feel like I've spent my entire life helping others... first my mom and dad to not fight and get along (didn't really work but I at least felt like I was trying)... and then friends, others that I've taught as a musician... but I don't or can't seem to apply even the smallest bit of logic or common sense to me, in helping me. All of which furthers the feeling of being Jive... if I could spoon out advice to try and help others, why can I not use any of it on myself?? Probably because it's bullshit I assume.

I feel like my life is the equivalent of finding out your swim coach can't swim... I'm the Wizard of Oz.