Late to one ping only! A review of The Hunt for Red October

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I have a group of “friends” who like to harass me about my movie watching. And they all happen to be obsessed with The Hunt for Red October. So here’s what the past few months have looked like for me on the Internet:

That’s probably about 5% of the annoying messages I’ve received about this stupid movie over the past few months. And I don’t know about you, but I get a really bad attitude towards things that are annoying. Going in HFRO, I already hated it.

The other reason HFRO and I started off on the wrong foot? I have pretty intense claustrophobia. Not as bad as my dad (who almost passed out in a packed grocery store with 9 foot ceilings once), but bad enough to get really freaked out on crowded elevators. Hearing people describe this movie as a “submarine classic” was not encouraging. Nope. Not great, Bob.

Truthfully, the only reason I watched this was because a good friend promised me his U-Verse login to use for KU basketball games and the FX Simpsons app. It’s true; I can be bought.

Sean Connery in Marnie — “Hellooooooooo, nurse.”

Sean Connery is good in the movie. He’s fine. I think he’s one of those actors for whom people are blinded by their love. I blame James Bond. Listen, I have never seen a Bond movie outside of the two Daniel Craig movies. I grew up watching Sean Connery in Marnie. Though Marnie is kind of garbage because Tippi Hedren is definitely garbage, Sean Connery saved the movie with his nice accent and his nice face. But Sean Connery has never been on a pedestal for me. He’s good and he is the “vilnius schoolmaster” and he wears an excellent hat. That’s it.

I’m also not the biggest (or most experienced) fan of Alec Baldwin beyond 30 Rock, Beetlejuice and a few episodes of Will and Grace he appeared in. He’s not believable as an action star to me. He’s not believable as a CIA book writer or whatever the hell Jack Ryan is. He’s too goofy. That’s it.

This movie did have the principal from Ferris Bueller, Tim Curry, Fred Thompson from Law & Order, and Sam Neill who I will always love and worship because I love and worship Jurassic Park. Points for that. Good for you, Hunt for Red October.

I’m glad I watched Hunt for Red October to get people off my back, and I’m also glad I watched it because I’m looking forward to the Harrison Ford parts of the series. This movie was just too long and not that exciting to me. I went in irritated and stayed irritated throughout the movie, feeling like every next move was predictable.

If you want to watch something about tricky Russians, watch The Americans. If you want to watch a submarine movie, I have absolutely no recommendations for you because they make me sweaty. If you want to see Sean Connery in a nice hat, you should definitely watch The Hunt for Red October.

Face palm moment:

It’d be a lot cooler if Sean Connery’s character’s name actually was Vilnius Nastavnik.

Favorite part:

“Andrei, you’ve lost another submarine?” This quote reminded me of season two of Project Runway, mostly this scene (at 0:32):

The “I missed that in pop culture trivia” moment:

The stupid quotes about Montana, which actually made me think for most of the movie that the wrong character was actually the villain.

Regrettable tardiness scale (out of 10): 10 out of 10 just to keep people off of my back. If we’re talking about how much I’d recommend it to other people, 6/10. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

I wish people demanded that *I* see movies.
To me, THFRO’s main legacy was that Robert Downey Jr. referenced it
in one of his batshit narrator asides during Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
That, and the term “Crazy Ivan.”