Former EU commissioner Michel Barnier, appointed to lead the Brexit negotiations with BritainCredit:
JOHN THYS/AFP/GETTY IMAGES

When French President François Hollande said this week “if Madame Theresa May wants a hard Brexit, then talks will be hard too” he wasn’t kidding. They’re going to conducted in bloody French! At least, they will if the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier gets his way - he’s apparently requested that the talks are conducted in his native tongue, sending outraged British officials scurrying back to their Tricolore textbooks.

As someone who has asked "où -est la piscine à​ La Rochelle? on multiple occasions, I am keeping an eye on my phone because I’m pretty sure that the Brexit department will be in touch requesting my expertise any time now. My French GCSE C-grade has been waiting for a moment like this.

A Frenchman's favourite delicacy Credit:
John Robertson/-

Here’s my how-to guide for the Brexit team. Take it or leave it, BoJo.

1. Speak LOUDLY and SLOWLY

The time-honoured way to engage any foreigner is to RAISE YOUR VOICE AND SAY ONE. WORD. AT. A. TIME, lest they get their culottes in a twist. When it comes to delicately negotiating trade tariffs, a gentle ANOTHER. BOTTLE. OF. THAT. GARCON is a handy aside. Intersperse with a few expletives in English, and at least one comment about how things work much better in London.

Ready to pull off The Parisian Job Credit:
John Phillips/PA Wire

2. Wave your arms

The other month, I was trying to explain to the Hertz Car man at Tolouse Airport that we didn’t need the Damage Waiver Insurance as it was "dans la carte de credit, pas de need it, mate". I have some simple advice for David Davis and the Brexit team if they reach an impasse - look them in the eye, and start waving your arms. Wave them like a crazy demented windmill. They’ll fall into line and, if you’re luckier than me, they might not notice the cracked wing mirror.

3. Bring a phrasebook

If shouting til you’re blue in the face and gesticulating like an octopus in a vacuum cleaner doesn’t quite convey the right message to Monsieur Barnier, then bring out the big guns: the English-Français phrase book. Every house has a battered copy somewhere. Admittedly, Collins have yet to publish the definitive international treaty edition, but there's loads of helpful stuff in my version to get to get the British team started: “Voudriez-vous danser avec moi?” (would you like to dance with me?), “Ce monsieur va tout payer” (the gentleman will pay for everything), “Laisse-moi tranquille!” (leave me alone!).

4. Remind them it's Trafalgar Day

Hero of the dayCredit:
-/Wikipedia Commons

If nothing else works, fall back on a thousand years of fraternité. The English and the French have a long history of ironing things out. From Agincourt to Waterloo we’ve been diplomatically coming to agreements since 1066. It might be lost on Barnier, but October 21 is Trafalgar Day: perhaps someone needs to remind him?

There is a serious point in all this, though. It’s decades since any British trade deals were negotiated. It’s not that we’re rusty; we threw away the machinery decades ago. Furthermore, we’re up against a Continent of multi-lingual professional negotiators. The EU do this with their eyes shut. Britain has reached out to the Commonwealth for help, but confronting matters head-on is unlikely to play to our native strengths.

V for Very close to Brexit now Credit:
-/AFP/Getty Images

Historically, we've prevailed through our ingenuity and cunning. To return to the somewhat tedious jingoism, Agincourt was won by English technology and outsmarting the French; Waterloo sealed by an ability to form temporary alliances and good intelligence. If we are to succeed in the high temple of the Eurocrats in Brussels, itself just a stone’s throw from Waterloo, we aren’t going to get anywhere by fighting on their terms. Boris’s idol Churchill knew only too well that the unconventional approach, the spark of genius inspiration in a tight spot, is how the British can overcome the odds.