Visit us

Follow us

Search KidSpot

'Granny's gone to heaven': How to talk to your kids about death

As parents, we are programmed to protect our children from pain and suffering, to shield them from everything that is unkind and unjust in the world. But there are certain events that occur in life where we are simply unable to do this. Experiencing the death of a loved one is an inevitable part of growing up – be it the death of a pet, a grandparent or a friend. Losing someone special is not something we can safeguard our children against forever. All we can do is help them to come to terms with their loss, show them how people support each other through grief, and let them know that being sad is a normal and healthy response to losing something or someone you love.

At what age do kids understand death?

A child’s ability to understand the concept of death, and how it relates to their own lives, depends on a number of important factors:

The age of the child

How mature the child is

How resilient they are – how easily they deal with life’s ups and downs

Most children under the age of five or six years old will have difficulty grasping the finality of death. Even after you’ve told them that their dog has died, they may still expect to see her walking through the door ten minutes later.

An older child might try and humanise death, so that it becomes a more understandable concept. For example, they might think of death as a ‘ghost’ or ‘skeleton’. It is only as a child moves into their early teens that their understanding of death increases. At this point they will probably question the randomness of death, and raise questions about their own mortality.

Sydney child psychologist Dr. Fiona Martin believes that, “how children cope (with death) has a lot to do with whether they have experienced death before and how it is explained to them.” How a child reacts and copes with the news of a death depends largely on how involved the deceased person or pet was in that child’s life, and whether the death was sudden or the result of a long illness.

How to break the sad news to kids

Regardless of their age, informing a child about the death of a loved one is never an easy conversation to have. It’s a good idea to rehearse what you might say and then sit your child down in a place where they will feel safe and supported. Approach the topic in a relaxed and calm manner and never lie or try to skirt around the issue. “You need to be as truthful as you can without traumatising them with too much detail,” says Dr Martin. “Allow kids to ask questions and try to use their language to explain what has happened.”

For preschoolers, Dr Martin suggests compiling a ‘social story’ - a handmade picture book that can help young kids make the abstract idea of death into something more concrete. The main aim of a social story is to depict, in pictures and simple words, the idea that something has gone away and won’t be returning.

Older children will benefit from more detail about why the person or pet died. Create an open discussion and encourage them to ask questions, even if you don’t know the answers to them. As a parent, the responses you give your children will depend on your own belief systems and/or your cultural and religious background. If you believe in heaven or reincarnation you might like to share these sentiments with your older child.

Helping your child to grieve

“It’s important that all children experience the realities of life, but be supported while they experience it,” says Dr Martin. Kids can react in a number of different ways after hearing the news that a loved one has passed away, and it’s completely normal and natural to feel any number of emotions, including:

sadness

anger

frustration

loneliness

guilt.

Your child may not want to talk about it straight away, but when they are ready, it’s a good idea to encourage them to reminisce about their loved one; to look at photographs and talk about the good times they had with the pet or person that has passed away. “Talking about memories is healthy – it teaches children healthy habits about expressing emotions, so they know it’s ok to talk about how they feel,” says Dr Martin.

Many kids respond well to having a keepsake from the person or pet that has died – a small personal object that they can look at or hold. A keepsake can provide great comfort to your child whilst they are grieving.

Funerals

When it comes to deciding on whether your child should attend a funeral or memorial service, the choice is very personal. Be sensitive to the fact that a small child can get easily distressed if they witness an outpouring of emotion from a big group of people. On the other hand, older children may appreciate the opportunity to bid farewell to their loved one at a formal gathering. It’s important to carefully consider whether your child is mentally equipped to deal with a funeral and whether it will aid their grieving process or inhibit it.

Is your child coping with their loss?

There is no hard and fast rule about how long the grieving process should take. Each person is different. However, if your child has a pre-existing condition, such as anxiety or depression, then be aware that losing a loved one can trigger an episode or relapse.

You may want to consider help from your GP or psychologist if you are concerned about how long it is taking for your child to come to terms with their loss, or if you notice any of the following:

behavioural changes

personality changes

withdrawal from friends

withdrawal from activities your child would normally find enjoyable.

The best thing you can do is always keep the lines of communication open. Reassuring your child that their pain will ease and that time is a great healer is a good message to impart.