"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? Well this is just my opinion but I think that's bullshit. No offense to anyone who believes that and uses it to make themselves feel better. But it's just that nothing in my life has killed me, but I feel weaker and weaker every day. Whatever has happenned to me in my past has made me a very very weak person. It has made me feel "sedated" for years. But I can't live like this much longer. I'm kind of scared that I am going to crack soon... make that very scared.

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In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

i hear you on the sedated part, its like every second of the day slow, unsure ,reexamining every word spken so i dont get catched by anyone and used im not sure about the weak but i do think sometimes why the hell am i being put through this, and then on to the pity party, cut the breaks.i have thought about that phrase, just brefly, to the extent that what doesnt kill you leaves you maimed and useless, it doesnt matter to me if someone is offended by what i say, thats just whats on my mind at the time,soooo sorry, i have a thought that iv been told is disturbing its when i open my eyes after a nap i dont remember taking , that my body had snuk to the gun cabnit and taken a shootgun out, after finding out what my mind was hiding from it all these years,and has it pointed at my face, thats when i have just opened my eyes, its that sptit second thats disturbing, i wake up with out knowing if i had or if i could have or the reality that maybe just one day this well acttualy happen and i wont know if its a dream.

You have been to hell, your making your way back, it is unquestionably one of the toughest journies you will ever have to make in your life, living on that edge not knowing how long you can keep it up is a nightmare, my heart goes out to you, your not alone, your not the first and unfortunately you probably wont be the last either.

I have gone from making it month to month, to year to year, to day to day, to minute to minute and at time have counted off the seconds, dig deep, find the strength, we are all in it together and we are all puling for you.

If you wanna e mail some, mine is johnb@digisec.com i would be happy to, all you really have to do right now is keep talking and the rest will fall into place on its own, so keep talking and keep breathing, ok?

as for being scared, if nothing else take some comfort in the fact that it is exactly the right feeling for the circumstances and know that it is good your feeling it and good your concerned about the possible icky outcome, that means your aware of your self and your feelings and you are at the very least taking steps unconsiously to get yourself in a better place, your doing good, honest, those are all good signs.

Hang tough, it will get better, i know it will.

Safe hugs to ya,

John

[ 05-21-2001: Message edited by: SoCalJohn ]

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I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

HARRY..I CARE! WE ALL CARE!! DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF. DON'T KEEP TRYING TO LOOK DEEPER RIGHT NOW. THERE IS A BETTER DAY AHEAD. I'VE BEEN LIKE THIS TOO, ABUSED FOR MORE THAN 40 YEARS, AND I AM A SURVIVOR! SO ARE YOU. PLEASE, TAKE IT EASY ON YOUSELF. SLOW YOUR THOUGHTS DOWN AND TRY TO BREATHE DEEPLY AND REGULAR, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU HARRY. EVEN IF WE CAN'T HUG AND CRY TOGETHER, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU..TAKE CARE, SCOT

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