Hardly Working / A Human Knot Goes Terribly Wrong

Script

Hardly Working: A Human Knot Goes Terribly Wrong

By Emily Axford

INT. OFFICE THAT LOOKS FUN TO WORK IN
SAM
The point of this exercise is to
work together, as a team, to
untangle yourselves.
REVEAL everyone is knotted up in one of those HUMAN KNOTS.
SAM
Which should be easy, as long as we
don't splinter off into separate,
competing factions-
We cut on the word "factions" and enter: THE HUMAN KNOT. All
shots from here on are inside the knot, everyone framed so
they're surrounded by tangled and bent limbs. OWEN, KEVIN,
and CALDWELL. INTENSE MUSIC accompanies them.
OWEN
Let's form an alliance.
CALDWELL
I'm in!
OWEN
(to Caldwell)
I was talking to Kevin. He's really
squirmy. You're weak and would hold
us back.
MUSIC CUTS. CUT BACK OUTSIDE TO: Sam, standing outside.
SAM
Talk it out. Think Critically. Use
your imagination.
CUT BACK INSIDE TO: EMILY and MURPH. INTENSE MUSIC.
EMILY
Fuck that. Brawn over brain. I'm
allying myself with the strongest
writer on staff. Whoever he is.
MURPH
He's. Right. HERE.
On "HERE" he pushes with all his might. Limbs shift. The
Human Knot shifts. It's intense for a beat, then lands with
a THUD. CUT TO: DAN and ANU. Dan is trying to be smooth.
DAN
Guess its just you and me now. It's
so crazy. Life goes so fast. I'm
20-aherm-years old and I'm so ready
to meet the right girl and-
A hand brushes Anu's hair out of her face. It comes from
Dan's general direction, but isn't Dan's.
DAN
-settle down.
ANU
Whoa, who's arm is-
DAN
Shh.
Another hand that isn't Dan's shushes Anu. Dan closes his
eyes and leans in for a kiss, but can't reach Anu. He opens
his eyes, realizes this, then looks to his right, where
HALLIE CANTOR is closer. He turns to Hallie.
DAN
It's so crazy. Life goes so fast.
I'm 20-aherm-
MUSIC CUTS. CUT BACK OUTSIDE TO: SAM.
SAM
Team-building, people! There's no
"I" in team-building!
He ponders this for a short beat, then we're right back in.
CUT BACK INSIDE TO: ADAM and PAT. INTENSE MUSIC.
ADAM
UGH, the whole institution of
team-building is so condescending.
Do they think we haven't read
Richard Dawkins: The Selfish Gene?
PAT
(to the group)
Does anyone want to trade
alliances?
CUT TO: Owen, Kevin, and Caldwell. Owen appears to be going
over a gameplan with Kevin.
OWEN
-you'll squirm past Dan, wiggle
past Murph, and claim victory in
the name of Owen "O-Dogg" "the
Poon-Pounding Pussy-Hounding"
Parsons.
CALDWELL
Well, I've got my own alliance!
Pan over to REVEAL Caldwell holding somebody's LEG. As he
talks, the leg squirms, kicking him with every "ow".
CALDWELL
That's right, me and this, ow, leg,
ow, are gonna make you, ow, look a
fool, OW!
He hits the leg back, then immediately apologizes to it.
CALDWELL
I'm sorry.
MUSIC CUTS. CUT BACK OUTSIDE TO: Sam.
SAM
Cooperation. Team Work. Together we
are tethered. Forever. (doing the
line from "Miss Jackson" by
Outkast) For ever? For ever ever?
For ever ever?
Sam laughs then looks sad about what his life has become.
SAM
I dunno, this is just the kind of
shit you have to do when you're a
manager.
CUT BACK INSIDE TO: Emily and Murph. INTENSE MUSIC.
EMILY
What do you want to be? A hero? Or
a Miro. Joan Miro. The painter
slash sculptor. Whatever, art is
lame, be a man.
MURPH
I'm no sculptor. Unless you're
talking about MUSCLE.
On "MUSCLE" he strains again. The shifting is louder and
more intense than last time. The knot is loosening, but
lands with a THUD.
CUT TO: Dan, who is straining to kiss Hallie, grunting like
a tennis player. He gives up and sighs, defeated.
DAN
I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm a hopeless romantic. In a
hopeless world.
VINNIE (OC)
Don't lose hope, Dan.
REVEAL Vinnie, right next to him, in perfect kiss distance.
They lock eyes. They lean in. Cut back and forth between
them leaning in and limbs shifting with intensity, people
being torn apart, etc. As their lips touch, it looks like
maybe the Human Knot is gonna untangle itself. Then THUD.
They're still stuck. Except Caldwell, who's standing outside
the knot, holding his allied LEG, foot-side up.
CALDWELL
I won!
(looking down)
Ah!
He sees that the leg has been dismembered and is bleeding
from the bottom.