I’m feeling a bit mindless at the moment, not exactly bored, or excited. I don’t feel like doing much. So I sit at the computer staring at my blog and wonder what I was doing this time last year. Funny, October 11th, 2008 I said:

“Usually around this time of the year, I’d dig through my Blog Archive and see what I was up to the previous year and how I felt about things.”

Errr..so around the same time last year I looked back at what I did the previous year. I did what I said! How did I know back then I’d do the same thing a year on? Have I unconsciously done the same thing every year?

Time goes pretty quick.. I can’t believe it’s been a year already, yet I look back at things which felt like many many moons ago. Why doesn’t this make sense? Does this mean a year really is a long time?

In the early morning of 16th July 2009, we received a phone call from Canley Vale’s Aged Care, informing us that Grandma won’t be able to make it much longer. I knew this would eventually come, but now that the news is here…I was scared.Â It is really happening? Is this it? Will we never see her again? :'(

We rushed to the Aged Care and found her lying in bed, breathing heavily. She was unconscious and was only kept alive because of the oxygen mask. It was an extremely tearful moment. We were calling out to her, screaming and yelling.. but she didn’t respond at all. She wasn’t going to wake up..

At 10.12am, dearest Grandma passed away. I’ve never witnessed something like this before.. Time came and took her away.

Today was her Funeral Service, we saw her for the last time. I recalled all those fun times we had when I was a kid. All those random and silly moments too. From making her carry all our school bags and taking off, to playing mahjong with her using 5 cents. She use to sit with Kaz and I watching Mark play games and we’d tell her the story and what was happening. I use to get nightmares a lot frequently, and everytime when I was scared, I’d hop in Grandma’s bed and sleep with her – I felt secure and safe.

Now that we came to this final closure, Grandma, may you rest in peace. I love you and miss you so much. You’ll always be remembered â™¥

I had a dream last night, that for whatever reason, I went back in time- to the first day of Uni. However, I remember everything that has happened to this day, yet everyone else obviously don’t. It was just so so strange seeing everything unfold again- I was doing the same thing too, because I tried to “act” back the way I was back then, not knowing anyone or anything- so I wouldn’t seem “out of place”.

I kept wondering, will everything be the same again? No matter what I do, will my future still remain unchanged? I just went back to the past, but the “present’ still exists somewhere, right? In order to get back to the present, it seems I needed to live in the past again..to live for another 4 years.

I met Marcus again, but soon I realised something was not right. He seemed like the same as he was before, but then I suspected that he also had retained his memory of the present, but- like me, is PRETENDING he hasn’t. There might have been others also with memories, desperately trying to change the past… It was like a game of trying to change history, and trying to keep it the same.

I woke up pretty confused, but it also made me realise that I’m happy with what I have right now, and probably wouldn’t wanna do anything differently in the past.

I’ve been wondering lately about the new year, and what I should be expecting and things like that. I don’t really know what to think.. I was a little lost trying to come up with new year resolutions in my previous post. From primary school, to high school, things were set down for us. We didn’t question it, we just went with the flow and did what everyone “should” do. I didn’t mind it. I quite liked the lack of choice. Maybe it’s just easier since I didn’t have to make my own decisions. Then came Uni which was my first sign of “freedom”. It’s also then that I realised we are growing up and will have to take responsibility for all our choices and actions. So… Uni also came and went and during that time I stumbled into the work force. It was just natural for me to move from a part-time job into a full time position in my field. It’s been about half a year, and I’ve settled in and all. Now what? What happens from here onwards? Surely there will be challenges and things to learn.. but isn’t that the same for the rest of my life? If something “significant” was to happen in 2009, what would it be? In 2008- I officially graduated with a B. Digital Media, turned 21, got Green Ps, Got my first Full-time position. What milestone in 2009 will be something to really remember?

I’m excited! It’s so soon..yet so far.. XD So, we’ve reached the l2th month of year 2008! I was about to reflect on the past year, but then I figured it’s not finished yet!! I can still do things and make it more wonderful (or less bad) than it has been. I guess I’ll leave that to a later post, if I remember, hehehe.

I wish week days would go by quicker, and the weekends would feel longer.

I wish I had more time to do all the things I want to do.

I wish I knew everything I wanted to do.

I wish I had more time to think things through.

I wish I would stop wishing for things I’m wishing.

I wish I was more organised, I guess. Yeh, that sums up all the wishes above.

Most people don’t seem to know I wear glasses, and I don’t blame them because I only wear them in front of computers or watching the TV.. doing exams and at Uni lectures in the old days. It’ll probably be difficult finding a photo of me wearing glasses at all. There are others who know I wear glasses, but also assume I’m wearing contact lens when I’m not wearing glasses. Not many people knew that when I’m not wearing glasses, I’m actually not wearing anything else to aid my sight- I CAN BARELY SEE A THING. Yes, I’m walking around blindly- thus we have the occasional Jen who walks right passed people she knows, without knowing, and they probably think she’s trying to avoid them, haha. Well, this went on for as long as I remember… probably since I was in year 2 when I first got them. What’s wrong with wearing glasses? Nothing, really.. it’s just a habit I got use to, because it feels uncomfortable. Another reason for the habit was all owed to my lovely wonderful Year 2 teacher.

In year 2, not many other students had glasses… actually, I don’t remember any at all. I went to class a little nervous and wondered how I could suddenly take out these frames and put them on all of a sudden- without getting weird looks or get any attention. Will I be called a four-eye? I contemplated quite a bit. I remember the glasses cost around $200, and that Mum had told me again and again “remember to wear your glasses in class!”. I thought ‘alright.. I’ll do it.’ But then… lovely Ms Year 2 teacher said “Jenny, come up to the front- I have an announcement to make”. I froze.. what was she thinking? I reluctantly walked to the front of the room, and as I reached there, she said “Jennifer has new glasses! Come on Jenny, put your glasses on in front of everybody!” I put them on, and suddenly see 20 faces staring back at me. I heard some giggles..some whispers. I never wanted to wear my glasses again. Why did she have to make it such a big deal? Why couldn’t I just quietly put them on at my desk while in the class?

While it all may sound pretty silly, and stupid of me to stop wearing them because of a few giggles and laughs- I did. I only wore them at home while watching the TV, and Mum would ask me everyday “Did you bring your glasses to school?” I’d nod.. but feel really guilty for pretending to wear them, when I only brought them to school, but never took it out of my bag.

This habit continued to High School. Me with glasses was one of those very little knowns.. I started wearing them as a necessity during computing studies, but other than that, it was out of sight. I took for granted that I could still see a decent amount without glasses, so thought it was okay not to wear them otherwise. Kaz on the other hand, wore glasses everyday from the day she got hers in Year 5. The difference was, she couldn’t see anything without them, whereas I still could.

Then of course, I get to Uni. I must say I’ve improved quite a bit! I wore them in all my tutorials and lectures! But once out of classes, they’re practically hidden again. Many of my cofa pals didn’t know I wear glasses either. So what’s the problem? I have glasses and wear them when I need them. The problem was, my eyes just worsened over the years, and it’s becoming harder for me to see without them. I don’t hide it though.. I often comment “I’m blind, I can’t read it”- and occasionally ask others to help me order something cause I can’t read the menu ^^;;

Now I’m at work, and wearing them 70% of the time, when I’m in the office sitting in front of a computer. I’m at the age and stage where I really don’t care anymore. I mean, who cares? There’s plenty of people wearing glasses, and the least of my concerns is that someone is gonna laugh, cause they won’t. But they’re still something resting on your nose, and still uncomfortable to wear during long hours.

Now near the end of year 2008- for the first time in my life,Â I put on contact lens..and what a feeling…I’ve never seen anything so clearly in my life without some frames sitting on my nose. I can see again!! The world looks so much sharper…and brighter.. so this is what everyone else sees everyday. I guess I’ve been missing out.

Now, sitting at my desk typing this blog, I have a new frame sitting on my nose. It’ll take some time to get use to, but hopefully through a combo of specs and contacts, I’ll finally enjoy life most people experience everyday. Ah… never take things for granted =)

In most TV series/drama, the ‘truth’ seems to come out at one point of the story or another, and I wondered if it’s the case in real life. Do you think nothing can be hidden? Will all ‘truth’ be revealed? Do walls really have ears? Aren’t there many times when you thought something was strange, but you just never find out exactly where that thought came from? Two incidents occurred recently which may me wonder.

Firstly, Mumâ€™s ring went missing after I (randomly) put it on my finger. Why did I do that? It was sitting on the desk and I just happened to be there so I just did. After I tried it on, I took it off and put it back there. It was NO WHERE to be foundâ€¦

This occurred during my Korea trip 2 years ago, where I lost my mum’s ring. We searched and searched like no tomorrow… and we couldn’t find it. Who would have thought only a few days ago my Mum would find it in her handbag which she never used for the last two years. err..yay? XD

Another case is a little harder to grasp- the only person who realised this- was me, and there’s no one else who could prove what I’m saying is true- because only I remember thinking this. I’ll share anyways since it can’t hurt telling XD. Back when I was in primary school, when I watched My Neighbour Totoro, the soundtrack from the movie sounded awfully awfully familiar to me (To be precise, it was this sound track). The moment I heard it, it was ringing bells. I tried to explain to both Mark and Kaz back then that I’ve heard this soundtrack before- but they claim they haven’t heard of it. I was left there trying to think really really hard where I have heard this before… but I couldn’t. Overtime, I just assumed I was imagining things, since it was the first time I watched the movie. Mark and Kaz don’t even remember this, and I don’t blame them because I was the one in agony XD (You know it happens when something bugs you and you don’t know what)

So..just the other day when I was having dinner, there was a very old HK drama showing on TV- and ye…. you’ve guessed it. THEY USED TOTORO SOUNDTRACK!!!!!!!!! OMG! Plagiarism!!! AND OMG, ITS POSSIBLE I DID WATCH THIS SERIES BEFORE SEEING TOTORO!!! XD Now I can live in peace, lol.

I know this may all sound so silly and unimportant, but I still get some satisfaction just by knowing. And the fact it has been soooooooooooo many years since that time- and the truth is revealed- is it all a coincidence?

I feel a bit detached and a little empty lately. Something feels missing in my life, and I’m not sure it’s just one thing either. I mean I do know what I need to do.. yet I can’t find that strong driving force to make me do things I need to. What a cold winter.. I hope Spring comes soon. I feel like these gloomy cold days are just pulling me into the sea, getting ready to wash me away. I can’t seem to sleep as well as I use to, occasionally getting some nightmares thats …pretty random, but still scary nevertheless. I wake up with a sore body and wonder why the way I’m sleeping now would make me feel that way when nothing has really changed. Ok, I guess I did get an extra blanket and a hot water bottle- but can the very things keeping me warm and secure have such a negative effect on me?

I bought a Eve Angel sketch book back in 1999 when I was in Year 7, when cute things like Korean stickers and diaries were getting popular. Back in those days we seem to just buy things even though there’s no particular use for them (i.e we’d collect stickers and swap diary refills etc but never use any of them anyway) Well, at least the book had a purpose =) Some of my early Sailor Moon drawings have still been kept because of it, and so I’m glad I did use it. All the above drawings were copied off existing Sailor Moon pictures, as I was still learning to draw and copying was the easiest method. I also realised that I had drawn a lot of Chibiusa/Sailor Chibimoon drawings o_o- and now I don’t really draw any. Was she my favourite character back then or something? XD

haha, anyways- it was fun looking back at them. I wish I had kept even earlier pictures… even if they probably looked really bad.

I suddenly remembered when I was in Year 4..we had to go around asking people to sponsor us for the Cross country- we didn’t get the money, it went towards something else (can’t remember what). My sister and I went knocking around the neighbourhood asking for donations and to our surprise there were quite a few nice people. Our family contributed to it too and in the end we got quite a decent amount so we were happy. Being twins, both Kerry and I obtained the same amount but we handed in the money to our own teachers. This is the sad part. After handing in the money and form in an envelope to my Year 4 teacher Ms Hewson, she denied ever receiving the payments from me!!! I can’t believe her =(

The school awarded canteen vouchers to the top 3 students who raised the most money…Kerry being one of them. Having raised the same amount, I got nothing and was accused of lying too.

That was really frustrating.. and there was no way I could prove to people that my teacher had taken the money for herself.