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Well, grown men behaving like 12-year-olds apparently is all the rage these days...

But Geila, your husband is out of line 1) to not consider with any seriousness your stake in having unlimited visitors; and 2) to claim something both of you agreed to is due to your "problem". Please don't be bullied. This houseguest issue is the kind of situation where both partners compromise for the good of the marriage. I'm not seeing compromise from his end if he's blaming you for what has to change.

If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

I do ask food needs/preferences/allergies. I want to have foods around that are comforting for my guests.
If guests are not up and i'm hungry, I eat. When they get up, I offer beverage and let me know when you're hungry and I'll make you some chow.
After breakfast I'll ask "is there anything you'd like to do today?" Based on response and the time, I'll set a sort of meal schedule and the plan.
I'm happy to drive guests to see the sights. I'm happy to lounge around and chat/relax.
And I like to wash sheets prior to arrival not upon departure so I tell folks to leave it. When I'm a guest, I ask preference.

All plans are subject to change.

When I'm a guest, I follow ques......I will say "I get up super early. Can you show me where the coffee stuff is?" After that, I'm a follower. I'll offer to help if my host says they're going to start/do something.

As you can see, I'm not for rules. I want my guests to relax and rejuvinate and I like to do the same when I'm traveling.

Gella, DH has no idea of what to say to his family so contrived something that made you the fall guy. He is not being evil but floundering because he has no skill set on how to approach this situation. A wise person would say, "I have no idea what I am going to say to everyone that have given me some sense of being important and valuable by having a place that they want to visit." He does not have that wisdom or confidence. The dynamics with family and friends is part of his life and the change is significant to him.

He is being insensitive and very inconsiderate of your needs and contributions to the family. That really really hurts. Being cast as the cause of change after agreeing to modify things is very hurtful. You are very wise to get some support on how to think this all through.

Your concerns are totally valid and need to be addressed. They will be addressed as you and DH work your way through all this. You are smart and capable and may need to bring him kicking and fighting to see that change is inevitable.

Another thought - is there a lot of change going on at his work that he is struggling with that will compromise his ability to cope with change at home?

Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

Gella, DH has no idea of what to say to his family so contrived something that made you the fall guy. He is not being evil but floundering because he has no skill set on how to approach this situation. A wise person would say, "I have no idea what I am going to say to everyone that have given me some sense of being important and valuable by having a place that they want to visit." He does not have that wisdom or confidence. The dynamics with family and friends is part of his life and the change is significant to him.

He is being insensitive and very inconsiderate of your needs and contributions to the family. That really really hurts. Being cast as the cause of change after agreeing to modify things is very hurtful. You are very wise to get some support on how to think this all through.

Your concerns are totally valid and need to be addressed. They will be addressed as you and DH work your way through all this. You are smart and capable and may need to bring him kicking and fighting to see that change is inevitable.

Another thought - is there a lot of change going on at his work that he is struggling with that will compromise his ability to cope with change at home?

I am so pissed off at my husband right now. He decided to communicate my desire for limits on house guests as me having pathological issues and that "we are working on" my issues. He has also publicly accused me of pressuring him to cut off all contact with his family and friends.

So unless I agree to unlimited access to my home to unlimited numbers of people, I'm pathological. He's not interested in having a dialogue to reach a compromise.

...l.

Are these two different issues? Because as long as there are communications devices and motels, I don't see how "cutting off contact" applies.

Thanks for the support everyone. It has helped a great deal. I might come back later to address your latest comments, especially razz's excellent post.

Right now I'm feeling very discouraged. When I told dh how angry I was, he acted completely shocked. He claimed that he never intended to hurt me and didn't see how his actions and comments would be hurtful to me. He was simply being honest about the situation.

I don't know which is worse, passive aggressive behavior or that he genuinely believes that my need for boundaries is pathological. We are at opposite ends on this issue and I know from past experience that once he digs his heels on something, he will not change his mind. I don't know if marriage counseling would be helpful since he is convinced that I'm wrong and he's right. I really don't know what to do about any of this. I'm tired and I don't have the emotional energy to try to come up with solutions.

Next time he invites someone over, how about moving out temporarily? Let him experience the consequences.

I remember when I was planning my DH's 60th birthday at our home (he knew about it), I had a LOOONNGGG list of to-do's, and unfortunately, I was traveling up to that time on business. So I hired people--lawn mowers, handymen to fix minor things, caterers, tent suppliers, and cleaning people.

So it was the DAY BEFORE his party, and I called him from Newark Airport to see how things were going. He said, "well, I didn't think we'd need the cleaning people so I cancelled them." I went ballistic. And I said to him when I got home, "Interesting--you kept the people that would save YOU work (handyman, landscaper), but you CANCELLED the people that would save ME work. Why is that??" I was livid. Exhausted from working 60 hour weeks, planning this party, and then facing a sleepless night scrubbing and cleaning.

He apologized and called the cleaning people back. Sometimes you really have to call it out. I know you have in this case, but it seems he's not budging. An intermediary may help. Do you have any visitors on deck? Maybe just sit with this for a few days and see what happens.

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Townwww.silententry.wordpress.com