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Monday, March 14, 2011

As I come up on my 7th year of trying to have a baby, there are a lot of feelings. Some good, most not. So here they are.*FEAR. Fear that this will never happen, fear that we are throwing money down the toilet, because it doesn't matter what we try. My body just can't do the pregnancy thing.*FEAR. That we will NEVER be parents. Even seeking alternative routes.*FEAR. That we will never be able to TRY anything other then what we are doing now because of money problems.*MISUNDERSTOOD. I'm sorry. But you CANNOT understand unless you have been an Infertile for awhile. One round of a certain drug, and BAM you are pregnant...don't tell me you understand.*GUILT. I feel guilt because I know that its my body that is the problem. I often wonder if I am keeping my hubby from a better life...with lots of kids, and a wife with less problems.*SAD. Why floats around my mind all the time. Why do I have PCOS, when no one in my immediate family does? Why do I try SO hard, just to get the same results...*ANGRY. I always come back to the same thing, that everything in my life has been hard. Nothing has come easy, and everything somewhat decent that has happened, I have had to work HARD for. And most the time its eventually ripped away anyway.*ALONE. No one can console me. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. I have a couple of people in my life that can soothe things for me...but the hole in my heart never leaves.*BETRAYED. By my body...by the "CIRCLE OF LIFE" thing that is just supposed to happen...but doesn't. By numerous people I thought were "friends"...*ROBBED. Of the life I COULD be having right now...robbed of the ability to trust people, since I have been used and emotionally abused by many of them...

This list could go on forever...but I will end the negatives here.

*HOPE. I have great hopes that this will still happen for me. I have had positive results with the drugs I have been on, so we just need that egg and sperm to meet one more time!!!*HAPPINESS. I have moments of happiness with my husband. I have had 7 WONDERFUL years of getting to know him. Getting to a wonderful place in our marriage. Learning how to live with each other, and stay in love. Especially knowing that our marriage is a SOLID place for our baby to come to. *ANTICIPATION. Because I know when that baby comes, it will be the most loved baby. *MATURITY. Had I been a mom in my early 20s, I know I wouldn't be the same mom as I will be now. *PEACE. That I am still trying. That I am doing my part. And that if I keep doing this, I will have no regrets even if it doesn't happen. I tried, and I think that will count for something in the end. *GRATITUDE. For the things I do have. Health insurance that covers pretty much everything of our current treatments. A wonderful husband, and Dad who love and support me. 2 wonderful cats that love me. I hope 7 is a lucky number for me! Here's hoping!!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Is rough. Now let me preface this by saying this is not directed at any one person. It's about being human and how we really can't control, try as we might, to control how we feel. Something that is seriously getting on my nerves lately is the green monster of jealousy. I don't know if I was just born with an extra dose of it or what, and no matter how I try to tame that monster, it often rears its ugly head. Specifically when it comes to pregnancy announcements. No matter who, what, when, why, or how, this is the most irrational time that it pops up. I will sit there after the announcement is made and talk to myself about how it's okay, and that I don't mind. But inevitably I will eventually feel the monster take over. I feel like this makes me a horrible person. I know it doesn't but this is the real reason that I haven't been to any baby showers. This is why I hide out from the world at times. Sometimes I wish that I could turn my brain off. But no matter what....this monster just keeps up it's annoying presence.I send kudos to those infertile women who are MUCH stronger then I at pushing these thoughts aside. I hope someday down the road I find this monster tamed. But for now I will just keep trying to tame the beast.Today I am extremely grateful for my husband. He is my rock. He is my buddy....and he doesn't judge me for feeling a certain way because he sees how hard I try. He truly is the most precious gift I have been given in this life. I can't wait for our first vacation together in 5 years!! It will be several days of so much fun, followed by passing our 7 year milestone of TTC, followed by our first cycle back at treatments. It will be a busy time coming up. :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My friend Vicki posted a blog about a Time Magazine article called Does Society Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood? You can check out her thoughts here. And it got me thinking about some things. First off, the majority of the "Facebook Mom's" that I am friends with, OFTEN complain about being Mom's. Now I may be biased because I don't have children, and don't have to face the daily grind of being a mom. And I also may be biased because I desperately want to be a mom and almost all of these women became mom's without much work. It just seems like maybe being a parent isn't all its cracked up to be? I mean, based off of what I read on Facebook, my answer would be yes. Of course, there is the biological need to have children, which has enabled our species to thrive (wow that sounded really...scientific). And women seem to have an extra dose of this, I will say my need and desire to have children is much stronger then hubby's.Also, it gets me thinking, and this is HUGE for me...will I still be as dissatisfied with life, even after having children?? Will I become one of those complaining "Facebook Mom's"? I mean everyone has bad days. I know I do!!! But if I go by what I hear of other women with children say, its WORSE with kids. I know some will argue, but what about the kisses and the I love yous and the grand kids and all those wonderful moments of having children bring to my life? I would say, you have moments like those being Childless. They just come from a different source. Now don't get me wrong. I will never stop wanting children. I believe in having children, for personal and religious reasons. But I wonder at times if I imagine life a certain way and its just not going to be that way when those babies come? Will I find more satisfaction and joy out of life with the pitter patter of little feet that carry my DNA or my last name? That remains to be seen.But...based off of Facebook (and Mom's I talk to or hear talking), my answer would be NO. So please...weigh in with thoughts or comments...I am interested in hearing anything as long as its ADDING to the conversation.

Friday, March 4, 2011

with the baby bug! Oh man, those feelings are back with a vengence. I had a little repreive from them over the past 6 months or so, but they are back. I am ready to start down the IF path, sadly there is a road block in the way. Hubby. He has really been struggling lately...its been hard, because I don't know how to help him. I have tried asking him to talk about what is bothering him, but he just says he doesn't know. He just feels sad. I have kind of been wondering if it has been related to the miscarriage, he seemed to just push all his feelings down, and tried to be strong for me. So right now, I am just waiting out his funk, so he hopefully will be ready to try after our trip. I know we are getting to the end of the road with my OBGYN so I know a forced break isn't too far in our future. I know after a couple more rounds of Femara we will have to be moving on to something more intense which will probably be injectables, and they only place that does that is over 30 miles away. In good news, I got on an Anti-Depressant about a month ago, and I feel SO different. I never knew what it was like to have a pretty steady, consistent mood, but these piils do it for me. I still have bad days, but the edge is gone to them. I have always suspected that I had been depressed, even when I was a teenager. But family members made me feel bad about getting on Anti-Depressants because they believed there was no such thing as depression. But it was interesting, my first day on them even my vision seemed different. It was suddenly like more light was coming in my eyes. Its hard to explain. But my marriage has taken a total 180...my DH just cannot believe the difference in me. He even apologized the other day about how he had treated me. He said he always thought it was just an attitude thing, but now after seeing me on these pills for a month he is a huge believer in depression existing. So if you are someone reading this, and you have struggled with it, don't hesitate to get help. I am on a pretty low dose of meds, but I WISH I had gone in sooner and talked to a DR about it. And I feel like I will be a better mom too, because I have a lot more patience with people and situations. Life is a lot easier to handle. So, as far as PCOS, I am waiting for AF to show. If she has come back next Wednesday I am heading in for a progesterone shot, then starting my first round of BCP. I also had my Vitamin D checked, and its low. I am probably going to have my blood work faxed over to my OBGYN, because I am not going to see the Endo anymore. Its a waste of time and money when my OBGYN is doing exactly what they are + more. So anyhow, that's my update! Hope everyone is enjoying our downward slope to Spring!!! :)

DISCLAIMER:

This blog is true to its title. These posts are unedited. They are raw, sometimes painful, and maybe even seem downright rude to some people. This is therapy for myself. I make no excuse for being human, and what you see here will be the truth of my emotions. Nothing more, nothing less. Please also be advised that this blog is being reopened as someone going through SECONDARY infertility. So please proceed at your own discretion.