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I just confirmed last night that my husband of 33 years has been cheating on me and I only thought something was up last week!! WTF, I have all the texts,phone calls,etc,,someone he works with but no one there knows. I confronted him this morning and asked point blank,,does he want to try counsling,etc..he said no,,he was sorry,,and of course I went into calmly that its too late for that. I told him he made the decision for our lives and family lives by doing what he did and taking me,us out of the equation and him and his expletive made the choice for our lives. I am so hurt and upset that I cant breath!! I told him to pack and go to the whore's house and be with her,,thats what he wants, thats what he will have.. I have no one here, my family is in another state, I cant leave because of work and now I will need the money, we have financial obligations that we have to figure out, we have to tell our adult children, we have set a date in 2 weeks to do it inperson. I am lost. I hurt so bad,,I cant stop crying, I look like I have gone 10 rounds with Tyson, my head hurts, my eyes are red and swollen...I have to pull it together..I dont hate him, but really no liking him now. Not sure how i really feel..there is so much more,,I have to start my life over again at 51,,WTF!! I cant wallow in pity party, I have to make a plan of action but today I jjust want to cry..he was too but I told him he has a somebody to comfort him,,I have no one here,,no one,,please tell me where to I start? What do I do?? I just want to curl up and stay in bed,,

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States

sadinscotland♀ 42303Member # 42303

Posted: 3:13 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

Hi melzee,
Sorry to read your story.
You're in shock and hurting. The main thing to do now is breathe, try to keep hydrated and eat a little. (I survived on biscuits for some days)
Talk to people. Tell friends, reach out and share. If no one is nearby then do it here.

The next thing is to keep all of the evidence you have found in a safe place. My husband deleted a lot of what I found out. Keep the evidence safe.

It's a roller coaster ride. But this site has a lot of wisdom and a lot of truly caring people who know exactly how you feel.

I'm so sorry. I a newer to these boards still myself, but others will have great advise for you. I believe it's slower around here right now with the long weekend. When I first found out, all I could focus on was going day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Keeping food, rest and water were key and I struggled with those even. You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. You will go through ups and downs, emotions etc but this initial shock will wear off.

Can you get in to a counselor to talk about this? How about any friends you can confide in? Even if they're far away a phone call or something to help ease the pain?

If you need to cry today, cry today - don't suppress what you're feeling. I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. There is a tab to the side with the healing library - it has articles and other information in there that will help you. Please post anything you need to, it has been very helpful for me to process what I've gone through as well (at times challenging too, keep in mind you will get differing opinions, etc especially online so be kind to yourself first and foremost).

I'm so sorry, Melzee. I know this sucks, but there's no way around the hurt and you just have to keep moving through it. This will get better, just not today.

Drink plenty of water. Try to sleep. Remember to breathe.

Hugs.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 647 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest

teeghan♀ 40859Member # 40859

Posted: 3:21 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

If you need to cry - cry. Dont hold back your feelings. BUT take care of YOU first. Read the 180 and FOLLOW it....it will help you alot.

You will have days you do not think you can go on or fight. But you have to. You will have the power in you like you will never know where it comes from at times but it is there.

Cheaters are such scum....

Posts: 111 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Georgia

hopefull77♀ 43221Member # 43221

Posted: 3:21 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

All I can say is I am sorry you find yourself here and you have been heard...
Is this really a dealbreaker for you? I can only speak for myself but I have read it over and over here give yourself 6 months or more before making decisions...
I am 18 months out and yes I still think of it daily but not with the same intensity ...more sadness ...
instead of curling up in bed scour this website...
Post your thoughts there are very wise people here who know how you feel....

Hi (((melzee))), [BTW, in case you don't know the abbreviations yet, parentheses around your name are hugs]
Welcome to SI.
I am so sorry that you had to find yourself here with the rest of us BSs(Betrayed Spouses), but you will find a lot of comfort, support, help & info here. We all know how you feel.
Please know that your WH's (Wayward Husband's ) infidelity is not your fault. You do not deserve this.
Read everything in the Healing Library, & also the threads with the "bulls-eye" in the yellow circles. Remember to drink a lot of water, drink protein drinks if you can not eat, & if you can not sleep, go to the doctor and get a prescription for medication to help you sleep.

Please trust those of us who have been down this road, that it will not always feel this painful----time will help.

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling (in a different way) but absolutely couldn't eat and drank way too much wine after more truth came out. Don't do that. Eat little bits to stay focused, drink lots of water because crying takes its toll.

Sending you lots of healing vibes. He definitely needs the 180 and be tough about it. Maybe it will scare him straight....just dont give in anytime he acts like he's sorry until you know the truth and can verify.

Hugs!!!!

Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 5:12 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

Sweetheart, you're in shock. Finding out about infidelity is EXACTLY like being hit by a bus. You find yourself on the pavement, bleeding from everywhere, not sure which way is up, and knowing that major hurt is about to descend upon you from every angle. Trust me, we truly understand. (((hugs)))

Your only obligation is to Take Care Of Yourself! Nothing else. Breathe. Remember to stay hydrated and eat what you can. If you can't eat because you're throwing up too much, get some Ensure or other whole nutrition liquids and sip it when you can. Start reading here. Look at The Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left corner. Read all of the 1st pages of the posts with red "targets" on the first 3 pages of this forum. Reach out. Reach out for help IRL (in real life) and here. We are all here for you.

Know this. You WILL be better. You WILL be happy again. You WILL heal from this. With or without him, you WILL do this. It takes time. And that time is likely to hurt a lot. But you will be OK. Wake up every day and say this "I will be OK." Because you will.

(((hugs))) Come back here often for support. We are all here for you.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 6086 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

melzee♀ 43540Member # 43540

Posted: 5:32 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

I have just written this email to the jerk,,debating if i should send it,,or just store it away..feedback is welome :
Ok,,so of course the last 12 hours have been playing in my head and I cant stop thinking about the things you have said. I had nothing to do with this, YOU and SHE did!! Your lying, sneaking , cheating asses have caused and will cause so much hurt and devastation that you will never comprehend because you are soulless and selfish!!! . you as a man of high moral values and her as a woman doing this to another women..it is low and unforgivable. And that you have lied not only to me but to her family as well,,,do you really think your relationship is that grand??? Built on nothing but lies and deceit?? I wish I had not found out,,I wish you had just told me years ago as you said how unhappy you were and we wouldn't be here right now.. I am angry but more upset and hurt because what runs thru my head is that YOU DON'T WANT ME!!! you were not man enough to come to me and say something. she was not woman enough to say go home and figure out what your going to do, it was all self satisfaction that will not withstand the test of time. She will leave you or you her after the novelty wears off and the day to day begins. The sneaking around and excitement of it all will grow weary after awhile and you will be looking elsewhere and so will she. I'm so glad for the both of you that you found undying love and affection for each other after 10 months,,must be grand!! You will miss your family Mark,,you will ...this will and has been the biggest decision of your life , I hope you are satisfied how it is turning out

You said alot of things today,,yes, I was unhappy down here but I stayed by you because in the end you were trying to do good for OUR family!! I was working on us these past few months and looking like an ass now that I know what has transpired. WHAT A FOOL I HAVE BEEN!! I wish you would have told me no, not into it,etc,,but what you did was a crock of shit!!! you played me and led me to believe things are fine,,but they are not. it was about you and always has been ,,I have followed you everywhere,,put up with your drinking, righteousness and morals and in the end you have turned out to be what you loathe. I thought we were getting healhty for each other, to be together for grand kids,and be ready for the next half of our lives,,little did I know you wanted only 1/2,,your half to continue on. False, misleadings from you about being together for 50+ years,,you are such a liar and cheat!! Again,,my being the fool and listening,following you and your lead..

We will do what we have to to get things in order and move on ,which you had already done quite a while ago..I want this to be civil and fair and only involve the two of us even tho the two of you made my life decisions and our family by being selfish and unable to control yourselves except for your own self satisfaction. I hope her kids know what you both are too!! LIES LIES LIES!!

In 33 years I have not once stepped outside our marriage and I probably had good reason to at times,,but NEVER EVER did I!! You on the other hand,want roses and pearls,,have at it..,you say this is the first and I find that hard to believe after a couple of incidents that I know of.

you need to be tested because I don't trust either one of you!! I don't care what you say do it!! Cheaters cheat and lie and you deserve each other. Which that totally now disgusts me that after being with her you were with me,,you make me sick to my stomach but she on the hand doesn't care I'm sure because she knew you were married and continued this affair.

I know you said you cant explain the feeling of how she makes you feel,,she is smart,on your same level,interests,,go make a nice life together on a deserted fucking island and sip pina colodas all day and you can stare and fuck each others brains out!! sorry,,I stooped to WT level,,the girl that I am and have been for 33 YEARS!! Now it bothers you and you need something else..go for it hot shot,,I helped you get where you are today and your family,,not HER,,US!!! The moving, the whinning,the drinking,,and on and on ....But you have HER now,,so full of grace

I really want you to understand how much you have hurt me from the depths of my soul...I don't and didn't deserve this but I will persevere and move on with peace and happiness someday

You can come by the house for clothes,vitamins ,etc til we get everything in order, since we have very different schedules, which will be awhile I'm sure but right now, to see you , you make me very sad ..I don't want to see you. I don't deserve to be sad, I don't deserve what you did, being a coward and unable to tell me ...low and deceitful both of you..I am sorry I have kept you from your bliss all these years. I hope someday you will find your true happiness.

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States

palmettogal♀ 43538Member # 43538

Posted: 5:35 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

Just keep breathing. Know it will get better day by day. There is life after divorce. I was married 25 years when he left me and married his best friend's wife in 2010. It still stings but doesn't hurt. Just keep breathing. Day by day.

Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States

Sadmumma♀ 42192Member # 42192

Posted: 5:39 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

Hi melzee, welcome to the crappiest club filled won't the most beautiful souls.

In the early days it is a struggle just to stay upright and get through the day. That's perfectly normal. Don't make any rash decisions about your future...nourish yourself. Drink water, sleep. Attend to the basics.

Read the healing library. Read here, post often. We are all here for you

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under

LeftOutintheCold♀ 42856Member # 42856

Posted: 5:54 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

I am so sorry you're here. The initial pain is beyond words. You are lost, confused, devastated, angry, and a whole jumble of other emotions all wrapped up together. My dday is just less than 3 months ago, but I remember the night I learned of his betrayal like it was yesterday. You will find, like I have, this is the best club you never wanted to join.

You are right on about standing up for yourself and not for one minute letting him think any of his behavior and actions are your fault. However, as I've learned, no matter what you want to say or point out, it is going to be useless on him. He's in his own fantasy world while he left you behind in the reality of life. Let him go about his fantasy. He's no longer your concern. Don't worry about when or if he's going to get his things. He's a grown man. He'll figure it out. Now is the time to focus on YOU and your healing. It is going be a rough road, but you are going to be able to do it! Take one minute at a time. Keep yourself hydrated and try your best to put food in you.

We are all here for you. Keep posting. Many hugs and thoughts of strength for you!!

You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833

"Never give up hope and let time heal you"

Posts: 340 | Registered: Mar 2014

Mhiimg65♀ 41951Member # 41951

Posted: 5:59 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

melzee,

You are still in shock. Keep writing your letters and post them HERE. Not to anyone else. Keep your information close to your heart and don't tell him anything.

You need to find your way out of the shock before you can make any decision. If you need to be away from him for now, that's OK.
Think twice before telling your family right now. Remember, whatever comes out now while you are raw and hurting, can never be taken away from those you tell.

I am only 5 months into this, so I am not one of the pros here, but I can tell you that my experience in the last 5 months has been, to re-act. And then to absorb. Re-act. Absorb. It sucks, but I wish for you the strength to do what will help you heal. I'm so sorry you are here.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York

Swims♀ 30992Member # 30992

Posted: 7:21 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

(((Melzee))) I am so sorry you are here but you will find lots of good advice and support. Please DO NOT send him that letter. At this point the best thing is for you to focus on yourself, get into IC (counseling) and see a lawyer ASAP to be advised of your rights. I'm in a long term marriage, and although I was a SAHM for a large portion of our marriage, I would get 50% of anything we accumulated in out marriage. I did the same thing you did, kicked him out, told him he could stay at his girlfriends house..... and it still took 6 months and another Dday for him to finally "get it". Talk to us, vent to us, we have walked this road and it all follows the same script. Breathe Melzee, you've got this. You sound like a very strong woman!!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast

brkn_heartd♀ 30396Member # 30396

Posted: 8:55 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

Melzee,
I am glad you found us. I agree, don't send the letter. Don't give him more ammo, she will read it if you send it to him. The reality will set in. My father divorced my Mom at 33 years of marriage over an A. He is still married to OW and is MISERABLE. He doesn't know that I know she was the OW, but I do get some pleasure knowing they both would rather be with someone else now. I know it is bad to be happy to see my Dad miserable, but I know the pain he inflected. The karma bus does go around.

In the meantime, get some individual counseling for yourself. You might start looking for a job near your family. Ultimately, I started healing when we moved away...you might find that helpful too. Especially with your support system.

In telling your adult children, don't sugar coat it. Tell them he has had an affair. Out it into the light. Do not try to keep bridges built for him (as their father) let him deal with his own damage control.

Rest, eat, drink and try to sleep. Expect your emotions to be all over the place through this. I imagine his will be too. Watch out for that, he can try to convince you he want's to stay only to change his mine shortly afterwards. It is a roller coaster and not a fun one at that.

No Mel, don't send it. Keep on writing, post your thoughts and letters here, but do NOT send it to him. I made that mistake a few times when I separated from WH. There are probably much more significant reasons not to, a counselor could explain why it's not a helpful thing, but I'll tell you why I think it's not in your best interest: you are reeling in pain, as I was. Your emotions are ruling you at the moment, as were mine. I wanted to hurt him, insult him and the public semen toilet that he used, I wanted to hear him say the 'right' thing back to me (whatever that was), so I ranted and vented and sent them to him via text and e-mail. ..... And then I waited for the response. If there was none, it hurt more and I went crazy. When he did answer, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I mean basically the only thing he could have said to me that would have stopped my pain would have been "I didn't really fuck the whore", and that wasn't happening. And especially if he's staying with AP, he isn't going to compose a thoughtful response to your long rant.
Keep ranting, you deserve to. Keep venting, it's healthy. Just not to him.

Sorry you are going thru this. Just know that right now is the most painful time and it will not get any worse. I just went thru this myself March 10th. You will get good advise here from the others with more experience. I would write the letters but not send them. Always give yourself 24 hours before doing something as far as sending. See if you still want to send it at that point. I wrote several but did not send them all out. You are in the shock phase of this it sounds like. I have been there and I do feel much better now. It will get better. It won't be perfect but you will feel better as some time passes. As the others have said, don't make any permanent decisions right now. You really don't need to. Just keep the evidence as they suggested. I did that as well. We are heading into R and trying to rebuild the trust which will not happen over night. This will get better for you, please stay strong.

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South

KarenDC♀ 11715Member # 11715

Posted: 10:32 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014

Hello melzee, sorry this has happened to you. I agree with most posters, eat, hydrate, and breathe are most important at this time. It is the worst, like being kicked in the stomach but the foot never leaves, you simply want your life back! It takes a long time to get normal again and then it is not normal, but you can do this...33 years is a very long time...but is not forever, you can do this. Take care of you, dig deep for what you really want and work toward that. It is still very early, educate yourself on this nightmare, it will help you understand the motions, believe the folks on this site who have been through it, reach out for them just as you are now. It really will help you survive. Keep repeating this was not your fault, one day you will believe it. For now, just take it day by day, have minimal contact with him. Take this time to take care of yourself. I could've save myself a lot of misery had i found this site earlier but regardless we made it through. One of those things though, if you haven't experienced the pain of this...you have no clue. Don't waste time on those who don't understand. You do whatever it takes to help you heal.