Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Jack Bauer, counter-terrorist extraordinaire, has announced that he will no longer be a minority-share owner in a Jamba Juice franchise set to open in St. Louis, MO.

Bauer, who was reported to have eaten the neck of a terrorist holding him hostage several years ago, was the subject of controversy when his participation in the smoothie restaurant venture was announced. At issue is an incident in 2003 where Bauer bluntly stated: "Smoothies are overrated. It seems like all shopping malls want to see smoothie joints succeed." Various groups protested Bauer's past statement as "contrary to the spirit of the fruit and juice industry" and "totally unsmoothie."

Donny McNibb, 32, an employee of a Jamba Juice location in Philadelphia, PA said of Bauer's intention to open his own Jamba Juice: "If he's rewarded to buy them, congratulations to him. But I won't be in St. Louis any time soon. Now, what size Mega Mango did you want?"

Whether Bauer ever returns to the trendy, vitamin-enriched world of smoothies is unknown at this point. In the meantime, Bauer will concentrate on his day job- saving the entire world without the aid of strawberries and bananas.