All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

The Tooth Fairy is a vital figure in American culture, as she engages in transactions with children to get rid of the baby teeth that have fallen out of their mouths. That’s the deal — she pays kids for the teeth they SELL to her. I’m a little fuzzy on the facts about what she does with the teeth once she buys them out from under kids’ pillows, but that is irrelevant. She’s not benevolent like Santa Claus; she’s a business woman.

Since the Tooth Fairy takes teeth away, there is absolutely no need in the entire universe for the Baby Tooth Flapbook:

In other parts of the world where the Tooth Fairy doesn’t do business, kids usually throw their baby teeth into the sky or bury them in the ground. Either way, the teeth are NOT saved. There is no need to keep baby teeth because no one is ever going to have use for them after they fall out nor will they display them. (Oh, I so hope no one displays them!)

Another peculiarity about this specific Baby Tooth Flapbook organizer is that it has a blue version for boys and a pink version for girls. Is this because gender is important when preserving baby teeth? How?! HOW IS GENDER IMPORTANT?!!!

Oh, and it’s not just this one company making baby teeth organizers. No, no, no, no, no. There are MORE. Like the Baby Tooth Memory Book and the Toothfairy Keepsake Gift (which stores the teeth in a creepy mouth shape and is advertised with the phrase “What a keepsake!”). Why do so many companies want to take business away from the Tooth Fairy? Let kids get paid for their teeth! Let kids engage in the economy!

Thanks to reader Debbie for sharing this disturbing unitasker with us. Well, I think I’m thankful. If I have nightmares tonight I might rescind my position on that appreciation.

My mom saved all my baby teeth. She kept them in a heart-shaped tin on top of the piano for years. I have no idea what ever happened to them – I don’t have them (nor do I want them). But, this is something she would have loved.

Our children do not want the tooth fairy to take their teeth. They write a letter to the tooth fairy asking her to take a picture with her camera. But we store their teeth in a ziplock bag. This is ridiculous.

Actually, teeth (baby, pulled, whatever)can serve a very essential purpose in training cadaver dogs. Not a pleasant thought, perhaps, but a necessary one all the same. I have a friend who accepts them for her service dog/team.

Half of me feels that encouraging our child’s to, in fact, NOT engage in transactions with seldom-sighted characters who buy body parts is, overall, a good thing.

There are few economically productive uses for second-hand teeth, and the secondary market that does exist is dominated by voodoo practitioners who want to use thm to control the children in question. This isn’t a scenario that has a happy ending.

The other half of me feels that the following can also be used (depending on whether throwing or keeping is required):

We told our kids that the Tooth Fairy lives in a large castle in the sky made of baby teeth. It made just as much sense as the idea that some fairy would pop by at night to spirit off little teeth.

Now that they are older, they know that this is not true. When they ask, we tell them we have saved the teeth to make them necklaces (but we haven’t gotten around to it yet). I don’t think they believe this either.

My little dentally-challenged delight (5 or 6) had to have TEN teeth pulled prior to orthodontia. She wroe a note: ‘Please do not take…I am starting a tooth collection.’ Tooth Fairy complied; I gave her a little tin; she lost ‘em eventually.

Flash forward 35 years…she’s a Wildlife Technician in Alaska. Sends me a walrus tooth, which I have put into a hanging pendant and often wear. I have dental work done, and bring her my pulled-out tooth. “Ummmm, thanks, Mom. Do I have to keep it?”

The tooth fairy took mine and my sister’s teeth growing up but when we got old enough to know better we asked my mom what she’d really done with them. It turned out she’d saved them in a little bag because she didn’t know if we would want to see them someday.

We all agreed they didn’t need kept and we tossed them out. We also all agreed that it was kind of gross.

I have a not-quite irrational fear of the dentist. I managed to raise both my children without this fear and they are free to laugh (and often do) at their mother who is medicated and has to have her own mother drive her to appointments.

I have no idea what happened to my own baby teeth, and I simply disposed of my children’s. My son pulled all his own when they loosened, but after they were out he had no interest beyond the money from the tooth fairy.

I know a women whose father had to have several gold crowns replaced. They melted down the gold into a quirky pendant (not tooth shaped). She was quick to mention that the gold in his mouth when he died was buried with him.

I have to wonder if this isn’t somehow in response to the movie The Guardians which came out last year. There was a whole storyline about the tooth fairy (or fairies) keeping the baby teeth in a little container until the child needed to be reminded of a good childhood memory. Seems like a tie-in.

When I was in about third grade, my family got a puppy. My sister insisted on saving the dog’s baby teeth. It seemed a little bit gross, but whatever. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re still somewhere in our parents’ house. If I came across them, I would not hesitate to buy her something like this to go with them.

I had a tooth collection when I was younger, because I had to have about 8 teeth out for orthodontic work, then 4 spectacular wisdom teeth, and a funky black one with a terribly twisted root. I found it when I was cleaning out in confronting my hoarding tendencies and realised hanging onto teeth was revolting.

The glowing reviews look to be posted by people who think it’s important to hold onto every little memento from childhood – as many hoarders do. In fact, so many of these memory unitaskers seem designed with hoarders in mind.

The people who buy this also need a pregnancy test organizer, or maybe a little keepsake book for each one, complete with all the details of each child’s conception (for the child to read at a suitable age, of course).

I read one time that a family was able to identify a loved one through DNA from that person’s baby teeth, which the mom still had saved. Not something you ever want to think about happening, but it helped this family have closure.

I have my son’s teeth that he has lost so far.. as for the 2 he’s lost while eating, well, we didn’t go looking for them, if you know what I mean. Tooth fairy was very understanding LOL.

Erin, I agree that this item is a waste of money, however, I think everyone should keep as many baby teeth as possible in a safe place! I just heard the other day that they are able to get stem cells out of baby teeth. THINK ABOUT THIS! If you didn’t save your child’s cord blood, then baby teeth might be able to help him/her later in life. I saved all of my kids teeth in different compartments in my jewelry box (for sentimental reasons) but now I’m glad I did! They didn’t do the cord blood 40 years ago!

Ugh… I received one of these from a dentist friend and it was just so silly. I tried to return it and ended up just giving it the girl at the store. My mother kept mine in a small box. I’ll probably do something more formal, but not in something so cartoonish!

I get it, I get it; this is a completely useless device. However, as the (very tired) parent of a teething 9-month-old, every tiny tooth that pokes through seems like a little trophy of sorts. Each tooth represents hours of endured clinginess, fussiness, and lost sleep. So at this point, I can’t imagine tossing out something that our whole family is working so hard to obtain. I’m sure this perspective will have worn off a bit in five years