Sunday, September 04, 2005

Jerk-O-Meter Part 2

The article that I have received the most comments about is the one titled, Jerk-O-Meter. My brother Thomas and I can get going about some subject and carry it forward to ridiculous (but funny to us) places. He had a few additional comments about that story. With his permission I am reprinting it here for you all to read. If you don't like his point of view that is okay. I can always send his email along to you and you can tell him yourself. He is in China for another year so I am sure he'd love the mail. He can't access my blog there because the government blocks all blogs. Of course there are always ways around that...

Hey Amy,

I just read your blog. It was fun, good, easy reading. I even laughed afew times.

I personally think something as wonderful as a "Jerk-O-Meter" should do morethan identilfy if someone is paying attention on the telephone. If I had ajerk-o-meter, I would install it in every new car. It would be manditory inCalifornia. The meter would be connected to a hammer or wooden mallot andwould smash the driver on the head(not hard enough to cause unconciousness)for a number of things. There would also be a setting for sleepy drivers.But, I am not quite sure how that would work or if it would work. Honestly,what can can keep a sleepy person awake - cold water on the head, fresh air,turning up the radio, singing along to "Y. M. C. A." . . . doing the arm motions withone hand - do you really think this would get you from Pittsburg to SanJose?

I remember trying to stay awake for the mid-night services at St. Mark's. Asharp elbow into the ribs worked great for waking me up, but how long didthat last? What about staying awake?

As far as the Jerk-O-Meter goes, I am sure there are many more applicationsthat we could think of. How about installing one in the White House?Everytime a Senator, Representative, or the President suggested, supported,or voted for something that was against the general welfare of theenvironment, people in our country or people in another country, a big redlight would go off on their desk. After a certain number of times, thatperson would be replaced by a well trained monkey. Sure, our governmentwould be in for some big changes, but at least they would be well trained.Payroll would be cheaper. Plus, a well trained monkey is a delight.

If using monkeys in the government raised some concerns from animal rightsactivists, we could use profession body builders. Oh, I forgot we havealready tried that in California. It didn't work out so great.

Other uses for the Jerk-O-Meter would be to soundly and repeatly beat peopleresponsible for making too much noise. Operators of beeping trucks, leafblowers, motorized scooters, sub-woofer car stereo's, and all idiots whoclang pipes together or own a yapping dog would be taught a lessong the oldfashion way. Out of nowhere, an old man with white mustache and a canewould appear with superhuman powers. He would quickly and quietly removethe offender from their vehicle or noisy apparatus and then deliver ten totwenty memorable blows - "little reminders" is what I would call them. Ifthe "little reminders" did not achieve the desired goal, maybe some "bigreminders" would be used. After a few weeks, we would all live in quite,peaceful neighborhoods where unknowing and incensitive jerks were eitherpunished or sent to desolate places to live and play such as freewayshoulders along I-5 where their individual noise swallowed by the madcollective scream of passing trucks and cars.

Of course, the greatest use of the Jerk-O-Meter would be domestic. Husbandsand wives would no longer have to argue over who was being a jerk or evenput up with a jerk as the beloved and indestructable Jerk-O-Meter wouldimmediately grab the jerk by the ankle, raise him up into the air, and shakehim silly.