These Are the Pop Culture Beards I Used to Pretend I Was "Straight"

If you are LGBTQIA+, chances are you had a running list of pop-culture beards growing up like I did: celebrities, movies, music, and TV shows you told people you liked while you were still closeted, so they'd think you were straight. They served as shields against bullies who psychoanalyzed your every move—ready to find the one piece of evidence that could out you (your seventh-grade self's worst nightmare).

If you want to look straight in the eyes of an Axe-drenched ninth-grader who will eventually run his father's Ford dealership, you talk about how much you like Green Day or how great last night's episode of Coach Carter was. (Even if you're actually binge-watching Lizzie McGuire and buying Ashlee Simpson's album, Autobiography.)

In hindsight, it's ridiculous how much of a song-and-dance I put on to hide my true self—well, ridiculous and hilarious. The fact that I thought occasionally dropping factoids about The All-American Rejects would disguise my sexual orientation is pretty damn funny. And other LGBTQIA+ folks who swore by these entertainment masks tell me they feel the same way. What seemed so serious and life-threatening at the time—and maybe it was—is now completely ludicrous.

We'll never get back those years of suffering through Linkin Park, bad horror movies, and (cringe) wrestling. But at least we can look back and laugh. Here, 13 LGBTQ folks share the stories of the entertainment shields they hid behind as teenagers that they now feel comfortable putting away.

Damian, 32, New York (gay male):"Dawson's Creek was life, and my love for Katie Holmes knew no bounds. [The show] was my ultimate beard for back when my brand was pretending to be straight, but sensitive."

Alexandra, 22, California (lesbian female):"The Twilight series. I was so determined to convince everyone that I was into Taylor Lautner because that's what straight girls liked, right? Too many muscles and Hershey's Kisses nipples? I would audibly sigh when he came onto the screen just to really drive my point home."

Joseph, 21, Washington, D.C. (queer male):"Akon. God. F—king Akon. I only watched action movies that had shirtless men—Gladiator, 300, and stuff like that. I convinced my mom I watched Tyra Banks' talk show and America's Next Top Model because I thought Tyra was pretty. I was actually attracted to Mr. Jay [Manuel]."

Dennis, 24, Virginia (gay male):"Mine was watching wrestling—mostly to watch men touch each other. When my parents came around, I would yell at the TV like a total masculine bro, and they totally thought I just wanted to be a professional wrestler. I was also commenting on how cute the women wrestlers' outfits were."

Caleb, 24, South Carolina (queer and genderqueer):"Oh my God, Linkin Park. I would also watch any movie about sports, including Radio. NASCAR. When I was watching Logo, I would have the Game Show Network on as the 'back' button, so my parents thought I was actually just into Whammy! and Chain Reaction."

Rocco, 25, Illinois (gay male):"Natalie Portman in Star Wars, absolutely—I was really in love with Hayden Christensen, of course. I even used to bring an action figure of her to sleepovers and sleep with it under my pillow and talk about how hot she was."

Bailey, 19, South Carolina (pansexual trans woman):"I pretended to like Step Brothers, Jackass, and South Park. They were just so crude and oftentimes made jokes at others' expense. The music I pretended to like was more because of the friends I had: Lil' Wayne, John Mayer, Spose, and NEEDTOBREATHE."

Megan, 24, Washington (bisexual female):"I was really into the Saw movies and, for some reason, thought that made me 'desirable' for guys because I wasn't like other girls. I hate gore and horror movies. I was trying so hard to be straight that I was willing to make myself uncomfortable and expose myself to stuff I hated—all in hopes of being the subject of male gaze."

Jacob, 25, Georgia (gay male):"I pretended to want Jessica Simpson, although all I wanted was her best friendship. When she got married to Nick Lachey, watching Newlyweds was like being able to sit on the couch with my two new best friends. But when my brother walked by, I'd have to be like, 'She's so hot.'"

Cristobal, 24, South Carolina (gay male):"Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy was the big one, but most of [my beards] were video game women that I would put all over my binders and folders and stuff. I had a giant picture of Nina and Anna Williams from Tekken on my binder in second grade, and I played them off as my straight crushes."

Anonymous, 22, Georgia (gay male):"I listened to screamo-ish music all the time in middle school, like Underoath and The Devil Wears Prada, because my friends liked it. I pretended to like the 2005 Dukes of Hazzard movie. I always had Fox News on 'recall' when I went into my parents' bedroom to watch Logo. I pretended to be excited when we had access to HBO in a Savannah, Georgia hotel room in 2007 because of the late night sex-themed TV shows."