Friday, January 3, 2014

No More Resolutions!

by Hobo, from Sketcher in the Rye, book four in Sharon Pape's Portrait of Crime Mysteries

I've heard my humans
make something they call "New Year's Resolutions," so I decided to
give it a try myself. First on my list,
I resolved to eat more. I really liked that one, but when your meals and snacks
are controlled by others it's not an easy one to keep. I tried begging harder
and staring at the humans with more desperate pleading in my eyes. I even tried
sucking in my jowls to look scrawnier, but that's pretty much impossible when
you're always wearing a big, shaggy coat of fur.

My second resolution was to sleep more, but
after a few calculations I realized that I already sleep, doze or nap nineteen
hours a day. My third resolution is one I'm determined to keep. I won't ever
fall in love again, no matter how cute the pig or how perky her little, corkscrew
tail. With the exception of my devoted
humans, I'm done with love. This big, old mushy heart of mine cannot
survive being broken again.

My fourth resolution was
to catch the miserable squirrel who lives in our backyard. He loves to taunt
and tease me. Unfortunately it's already January third, and he's still mocking
me. He must have made a resolution to drive me crazier, because now when I go
outside he doesn't immediately scamper up a tree. He chatters at me and waits
until I'm almost upon him before making his getaway. To make matters worse,
yesterday he pelted me with acorns from his winter stash.

My Rory sat me down and asked me pointblank what
I intended to do if I ever managed to catch the squirrel. Wow, I'd never
actually thought about it. She was right, I needed to have a plan. Did I want
to shake the annoying, little rodent like one of my stuffed toys? Did I want to
eat him? Yuck, blech, I gagged at the thought. I'd be picking ratty, squirrel
fur out of my teeth for a month. And without opposable thumbs, flossing is a
nightmare. No, I didn't want to kill the squirrel, I just wanted to win the
game once in a while! That's when I had an epiphany. It wasn't a life and death
struggle; it was just a game! I can't believe I didn't realize that sooner.
After all, I've always been a live and let live kind of fella. I had to think
with my head and not my emotions. After
a lot of consideration and a nap,I came
up with a plan to show Mr. Squirrel he's not playing with a fool. I have to
stop barking my head off the second I see him; it clearly hasn't scared him out
of our yard. I have to be stealthy and
walk on my tippy toes like Tom trying to sneak up on Jerry in that TV cartoon. Then I'll knock him over with one of my big, slobbery kisses. That oughta put things in perspective
for the irritating, little acorn-shucker. And next year, no more resolutions. They're
too much work!Visit Sharon's website:http://sharonpape.com/Friend Sharon on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Follow Sharon on Twitter: https://twitter.com/ @sbpape.com

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