The birth of the NFFL

It’s Feb. 5, 2017, and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is irate his four-game suspension of Tom Brady didn’t deter the Deflatriots at all. They’re back in the Super Bowl -- those scoundrels.

His anguish is only partially quelled as he watches the Atlanta Falcons jump out to a 21-3 lead, but deep down inside him, he knows what’s coming. That Patriots will rally and that cheat Brady will stand atop the podium again, clutching the Vince Lombardi Trophy for his fifth title.

“That can’t happen,” he thinks. “How can I keep that from happening?”

Then a Grinch-like smile appears across his face.

“I’ve got it. I know exactly what to do.

"I'll call the game, end it here and now. That should be enough to furrow Brady's brow."

He slinks down to the field from his luxury suite, snatches the microphone out of Lady Gaga’s hands and decrees: “From this point forward, all NFL games end after 30 minutes!”

He declares the Falcons Super Bowl champions, drops the mic and leaves Texas like John Wayne at the end of a movie.

Except, there’s one problem. He can’t let the world know he changed the rules at halftime of the Super Bowl purely out of spite and later declares that 30-minute games will carry over into next season. The National First-half Football League (NFFL).

Indianapolis Colts running back Frank Gore (23) high-steps into the end zone for the touchdown against the Tennessee Titans at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis on Sunday, Nov. 26, 2017. Mykal McEldowney/IndyStar

Tennessee Titans offensive tackle Taylor Lewan (77) celebrates after the Titans' go-ahead touchdown late in the game against the Indianapolis Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis on Sunday, Nov. 26, 2017. Mykal McEldowney/IndyStar

Indianapolis Colts head coach Chuck Pagano looks on late in the second half of their game at Lucas Oil Stadium Sunday, Nov. 26, 2017. The Tennessee Titans defeated the Indianapolis Colts 20-16. Matt Kryger/IndyStar

The Tennessee Titans fall on a Colts Marlon Mack fumble in the second half of their game at Lucas Oil Stadium Sunday, Nov. 26, 2017. The Tennessee Titans defeated the Indianapolis Colts 20-16. Matt Kryger/IndyStar

A dejected Anthony Castonzo (74) looks on late in the second half of their game at Lucas Oil Stadium Sunday, Nov. 26, 2017. The Tennessee Titans defeated the Indianapolis Colts 20-16. Matt Kryger/IndyStar

Tennessee Titans running back Derrick Henry (22) is stopped behind the line of scrimmage by a host of Indianapolis Colts defenders at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis on Sunday, Nov. 26, 2017. Mykal McEldowney/IndyStar

Among the best 30-minute coaches in all of the land, NFFL Pagano knows this is exactly the change he needs to erase his lame-duck status.

Even without Andrew Luck, NFFL Pagano believes he can get two quarters out of his team. No less. And definitely no more.

After a brutal 27-3 loss at the hands of the resurgent Los Angeles Rams to open the season, the Colts go on a run. They smother Arizona in a 10-3 victory, rout the hapless Browns 28-14 and shock the world by upsetting the Seahawks 15-10 in their own building.

“We only have to chop half as much wood,” NFFL Pagano said when asked what the secret to his success is.

Heading into the Sunday’s Week 12 matchup with the Tennessee Titans, NFFL Pagano’s gritty Colts are 7-2-1, sporting a top-10 defense and jockeying with the Patriots (still good in this alternate universe -- because, of course) for AFC supremacy.

Despite a tough first quarter in which they fall behind 6-0 and muster just 14 yards of offense, the bend-but-don’t break defense stifles the Titans’ vaunted “exotic smashmouth” rushing attack and gives Brissett a chance to rebound in the pivotal second and final quarter.

In perhaps his most clutch performance of the season to date, Brissett leads the Colts on three consecutive scoring drives, capped by Frank Gore’s game-winning 14-yard touchdown plunge with 42 seconds to play.

The Titans, forgetting the game is only 30 minutes -- this has been a rampant problem for teams across the NFFL -- elect to run just one play, a 2-yard loss by DeMarco Murray and lose their sixth game of the season.

“They stuck to the process and showed a lot of grit,” NFFL Pagano said. “Look, this is a game of minutes, and they stayed humble for all 30 of them.”

With the win, the Colts move to 8-2-1 and head to Jacksonville next week for a pivotal matchup against the 6-4-1 and Jaguars.

Six weeks ago, “Sacksonville” took it to the Colts, whooping them 20-0 and sacking Brissett three times.

But NFFL Pagano isn’t concerned about the past.

“It’s a big game,” NFFL Pagano said. “It’s the most important one, because it’s the next one. But we’re not about looking into the past. What good does that do? There was a time when this game used to last 60 minutes. Remember that? Remember how hard that was? Sixty minutes. Geez. How did we ever do it?”