Dr. Ruth on Foreplay (Excerpt from 'Sex For Dummies')

Too many people equate the word sex with intercourse. That’s sad because we humans have so many ways of acting sexy and getting enjoyment from sex that don’t fall into that category. In this excerpt from 'Sex For Dummies', Dr. Ruth explores how to derive enjoyment from those three magic letters, s–e–x, through foreplay.

Too many people equate the word sex with intercourse. That’s sad because we humans have so many ways of acting sexy and getting enjoyment from sex that don’t fall into that category. In this excerpt from 'Sex For Dummies', Dr. Ruth explores how to derive enjoyment from those three magic letters, s–e–x, through foreplay.

with intercourse. That’s sad becausewe humans have so many ways of acting sexy and getting enjoyment from sexthat don’t fall into that category. In this section we’re going to explore howelse you can get enjoyment from those three magic letters, s–e–x.

Bestowing a kaleidoscope of kisses

In my book,

The Art of Arousal,

I chose a painting by the Italian Renaissancepainter Correggio as the artwork for the cover. The picture depicts the godJupiter, transformed into a cloud, kissing Io. To me, that image illustrates oneof the great ways to kiss: so lightly, so softly, with the lips barely touching, soit seems as if you’re kissing a cloud. But you have so many ways to kiss —passionately or lightly, with mouths open or closed, with tongues probing ornot — that kissing is truly a gift of the gods.Most of us think of lovers kissing as automatic, and for most people it is. Butnot for everyone. I regularly get letters — mostly from women — who com-plain that their husbands don’t kiss them enough. Some of these men do kiss,but only perfunctorily. Others don’t kiss at all.My first piece of advice for people who feel that their lovers aren’t kissingthem enough is to check their own breath. I’m not saying that bad breath isusually at fault, but because you can easily cure it, you should make it yourfirst line of attack. (Because you can’t check your breath yourself, you’ll haveto ask your partner to do it, or, if that embarrasses you too much, maybeyour dentist or a good friend can help.)If your partner, not you, has the problem with frequent bad breath, I suggestyou come right out and say so — though not necessarily in the middle of anembrace. Make sure that you have some mouthwash in the medicine cabinetand then let them know, gently, that they tend to have a problem with badbreath. Show your partner how much you prefer the minty flavor of mouth-wash by rewarding him or her with a big kiss.Another problem with kissing is

French,

or deep-tongue,

kissing.

Some peopleadore this form of play, while others hate it. Because so many people areorally oriented — witness how much eating and gum-chewing we do — thosepeople who really want to engage in deep kissing have a problem if theirmates don’t. Because I don’t believe in forcing anybody to do anything, thebest advice I can give to people who like their kisses to be deep and long isto find out before you get married whether you’re going to have a problem.Sometimes these problems crop up later in life, but at least you’ll have triedto head them off at the pass.

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Here again, some people avoid French kissing for a reason: They have prob-lems breathing through their noses. If you really love this art form, and yourpartner can’t satisfy you because of a breathing problem, have your partnersee a doctor, as help may be available.Kissing isn’t limited to mouths. You can kiss each other all over your bodies,and both the kisser and kissee should thoroughly enjoy the experience. If youdon’t want to have oral sex because you’re squeamish about the messyresults, you can still cover your lover’s genitals with light kisses becausedoing so is rarely sufficient stimulation to induce orgasm. A few gentle kissesnow and then on your partner’s genitals will at least let your partner knowthat, even though you don’t want to give him or her an orgasm that way,you’re not repulsed by this part of the anatomy — you just prefer to have sexin other ways. “The tongue: Master of foreplay” and “Fellatio” sections laterin this chapter provide more details about oral sex, as does Chapter 13.

Eyes wide shut

One question that often pops up is whether when kissing passionately youshould keep your eyes open or shut. In actuality, the issue doesn’t have somuch to do with your eyes as with your brain. Kissing is something thatrequires some concentration. You want to feel your lover’s mouth, and youwant to communicate that, with this kiss, you’re sharing more than just yourlips, but your very souls. If your eyes are open, it’s harder to focus on thesensations of the kiss. That’s not to say that you have to close your eyes, butjust keep in mind that what your eyes see distracts your brain, and when thathappens, the kiss may be less meaningful.

More than just the lips

If you’re wondering what to do with your hands while kissing, I wouldn’t rec-ommend clasping them behind your back, but you also don’t want to startgroping your partner. “Why not?” some of you may be asking. Because it’sdistracting. Don’t worry, you’ll get to the next stage eventually, but kissingrepresents an important component of foreplay, and it can be easily over-whelmed. So holding your partner or lightly caressing him or her is fine, butmake sure that you control your hands.

How long is long enough

For some guys who are intent on getting to phase two, kissing is no morethan a speed bump, and so something to get over as quickly as possible. Thatattitude is a big mistake. Not only do you miss out on the pleasures that kiss-ing offers, but by rushing your partner, you only succeed in making her lessaroused. So although there’s no particular time that a kiss should last, thedecision to end it should be mutual, not one-sided.

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Making the most of massage

In an earlier section of this chapter, “Dinner for two,” I recommend that youand your partner touch each other as one type of communication you canuse at a restaurant. But in a public place, this touching can go only so far —holding hands, maybe playing footsie.I know that some people use the cover of a tablecloth to go further, but Idon’t recommend that. You may get so lost in the moment that you forgetthat other people are around, and when they notice what you’re up to — andthey will, because people-watching is part of what going to a restaurant is allabout — you’re both going to be embarrassed.When you’re back at your home, however, you can do all the touching youwant. Now, what often happens is that as people remove their clothes, theirtouching leads right to sex. But if you’re in the mood for stretching thingsout — and this isn’t something that has to happen every time — then givingeach other a massage is a sensual and relaxing way to begin.Make the moment as sensuous as you can.



Dim the lights or use candles.



Use some massage oils.



Whatever you do, don’t rush the massage; try to really feel each other asmuch as possible.



Alternate between strong rubs and gentle caresses. Let the sensitivenerve endings in your fingertips help you get to know your partner in anew way.If you find that you and your partner want to further explore this means offoreplay, pick up

Massage For Dummies,

by Steve Capellini and Michel VanWelden (Wiley), for more techniques for intimate massages.

Turning up the heat in the hot tub

Another sensuous way of intensifying your passion is to play in some water.Climbing into a hot tub or Jacuzzi together is a great way to unwind, espe-cially at night with only the soft lights glowing from underneath the water.Hot tubs are a great place to have foreplay, but they can be a dangerous placeto have sex. The soothing effects from the elevated water temperature cancause physical problems, especially if your blood pressure and heartbeat areon the rise from sexual excitement. I’m not saying never have sex in your hottub — the temptation is certainly going to be irresistible at times — but thischapter is about foreplay, and that’s what I recommend you use the tub for.