Satire and pastiche … just in case you didn't realise

Imagine getting a letter from the government telling you that you have one month to leave the country or you’ll be deported … when you’ve done nothing wrong and you’ve lived here for ages. It’s like some kind of Kafkaesque scenario. But it’s true – it’s happened to hundreds of EU nationals who are perfectly justified in being here – and staying here indefinitely. Luckily it was an administrative mistake – but … makes you wonder.

Last year I celebrated the fact that the most well-known search engine on the planet had agreed to pay retrospective corporation tax of £130 million. Of course, the result was bittersweet – or rather, bittersweetheart – since the company in question should have paid much more. Breaking news, however, is that the taxpayer now appears to owe the company concerned £31 million. What in Buddha’s name is going on? http://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/news/taxpayer-s-31m-debt-to-google-qvgqpxm96

Back in February last year, I highlighted the muddled thinking behind the Government’s insistence on saving money while still spending £80,000 a year on vellum (calfskin) for its formal copies of legislation. Obviously someone was listening to my song, ‘cos the House of Lords decided that laws will henceforth be written on hard-wearing paper. A win!

Also in February, my song “Never Fall in Love Overseas” highlighted how hard it is for UK citizens to get their foreign-born spouses over here to join them. Some UK spouses appealed against this but … they lost. Boo.

In March, I wrote the song “Back to the Thirties” as a reflection of the similarities between the 1930s and our own era of populism. Since then the topic has been taken up by hordes of commentators across the national media. That’s ok, guys, but just credit me next time.

Also in March, I wrote about the “Heathrow 13”, who staged a sit-in at Heathrow to protest against the expansion of the aviation industry. They were given a suspended jail sentence plus community service – see more at http://www.planestupid.com/blog?page=2 .

Ze English hooligans again: earlier this week some idiot football fans displayed exactly why my song “Germans in our subconscious” is relevant.

“Raif Badawi’s blog”: Raif was a blogger in Saudi Arabia who was arrested and sentenced to 1000 lashes. He is still in jail in Saudi Arabia – he’s been there for 4 years now. What more can you say? It’s a disgrace.

Tom Paine was a renegade revolutionary whose works such as “Common Sense”, “The Rights of Man” and “The Age of Reason” supported republicanism and democracy. For more on Tom Paine, go to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Paine.

This brilliant song was written by Dorset songwiter Graham Moore and I first came across it via a recording by Dick Gaughey. I’ve stuck fairly closely to Dick’s version of the song.

Apparently, Diogenes the Cynic was the first person to claim global citizenship – he was the first cosmopolitan, and since then lots of people have jumped on the bandwagon. Until recently, it was a good thing to be a citizen of the world – it meant you cared about people outside your own circle of relations, friends, fellow nationals, and that you cared about issues like global justice and climate change. However, it is now officially a BAD THING to be a citizen of the world. It means that you lack an identity. But identity means being the same as someone else.

‘Tis the season of good cheer and good will, folks, so here is another tongue-in-cheek offering from the Chuckmeister.

You will have all heard about our Prime Minister’s choice of lounging, ‘at-home’ wear while being interviewed by the quality press – leather trousers. And why not? So they cost nearly a thousand quid – so what? A woman’s got a right to flaunt it, right? A man doesn’t. That’s double standards for you. Just kidding – I don’t care either way. I just find it amazing that anyone cares.

We all remember the Deepwater Horizon disaster in 2010, don’t we? The biggest oil spill ever? Well, there’s now a thrill-a-minute film about it – and I was deeply insulted not to be asked to write the theme song. I’m so hurt that I haven’t even seen the film yet – but do I need to?

The EU has ordered the Irish government to take a bite out of Apple’s profits – 11 billion euros in taxes the ‘technology giant’ has managed to avoid paying …. somehow. Just forgot, obviously. You’d think the Irish would be overjoyed – how many pints of Guinness can you get for 11 billion euros? Or, more seriously, how many hospital beds would that pay for? Or hospitals?

No – apparently Ireland doesn’t want the money. From now on I’ll never lend an Irishman a penny.

Now our glorious leaders have led us into a glorious future/past, it’s time to take back control of our streets. Sick of all those foreign entities hanging around everywhere, taking over our country? Kick out the stakeboards ….. (not skateboards – they’re ok as long as they’re not used in heavy traffic or to transport pianos).

Thos week’s song concerns slightly freaky Heathrow poster slogan (“Those who live around us are behind us”) in favour of the controversial third runway at Heathrow. A couple of guys altered (some call it “defaced”, others “creatively amended”) the slogan on a couple of posters. Big deal, I hear you say, posters get graffiti-ised all the time, don’t they? Well, yes… but if you have the time and money to institute legal proceedings against the culprit/artist, then you might well do so. These guys, Joe and Larry, were found guilty of criminal damage – of course, they were protesting against the greater potential criminal damage which the third runway would cause…….