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The annual Marine Corps Marathon concluded yesterday, marking another successful race despite increased security. But that is hardly noteworthy compared to what I found yesterday while looking up road closures:

Source: MCM website

Too subtle for you?

Must. resist. puns.

Yes friends, I give you the most important map since DNA was sequenced. Normally I’d think this was some sort of divine coincidence — but you can’t look at that tip penetrating the U.S. Capitol and tell me this isn’t the work of staggering genius.

- IronCitySpy

Oh, why did we choose this moment to end our 22 month hiatus you ask? Obviously you aren’t familiar with scripture:

“… and when a giant phallus reveals itself, rejoice! The gentle blog will rustle from it’s ancient slumber.” - The Bible, probably.

In addition to recently selling out and getting advertising dollars on here, I’ve also been asked to moonlight at the very good Caps blog “Stop throwing hats“. What’s that? Why did I agree to work on a blog that gets it’s moniker from insulting my favorite player? Short answer, daddy’s got to eat. The proprietor is a talented writer that is getting a good deal of exposure (some of it nationally). Continuing my personal mantra of never being afraid to follow others, I am basically hoping to ride his coattails to some blogger glory. He is giving me complete creative control, and rather hopes I narrow in on what it’s like being a Penguins fan in DC. If you are interested in either the Pens or the Caps, I hope you will grace my unlettered scribblings from time to time.

Ugh. Ping pong ( I refuse to honor it with the moniker ”table tennis”) is one of the nerdiest and least graceful-looking activities one can do. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But I typically look like a less-puffy version of David Cameron while playing it. But not stupid Obama — he looks cool, calm, coordinated and determined. I mean, does he ever look awkward?

Since it is sadly still common practice to buy children ducklings, bunnies and other types of living beings for Easter, I felt I would encourage DC residents to spare Donald’s life and visit the local Mallard family that has chosen the National Geographic building pond as their home. Here are reasons why you should choose to watch those ducks instead of sacrificing an innocent.

(1) The National Geographic ducks have a ramp

I mean is anything more adorable than this?

(2) Ducks are anatomically incapable of being house trained

Why? Because they do not have a sphincter muscle. True story. In practical terms, this means they eat and defecate constantly with no control over where and when they go - quickly converting them from adorable pet to perfect duck taco material.

One innovation? The duck diaper - seriously

(3) If, after growing tired of said defecating duck, you humanely set it free in a pond, it won’t last past its first birthday

This is because your duck was raised on a farm, has no animal instincts whatsoever, and will likely try to be friends with a motorcycle. If it has the dumb luck of remaining in its park area and living off of children’s snacks – it will ultimately die when the winter arrives or it is enslaved by the mutant ducks who dominate urban ponds. So basically, you sold your duck into a trafficking ring. Bravo.

Your duck's new pond friends!

(4) The National Geographic staff have taken precautions to overcome the inherent stupidity of ducks

Because ducks are one of nature’s weakest, sorriest creatures, mother mallards will actually abandon their young if people get too close to them – yes, simply leave and never come back. How Darwin hasn’t taken care of this ridiculousness is beyond me. However, the Nat Geo folks have put up signs making sure people don’t come too close. Your duck on the other hand, won’t have such signs.

(5) Ducklings become full grown ducks in 30 days

To a certain extent, this is apt, because 30 days is about the time it will take your kid will stop caring or feeding Dr. Quackerson and move on to wanting a hamster-ey. At that point you are left with a disinterested kid and, well, an effing DUCK. A duck that looks like this and literally cannot do anything but quack around confusedly.

Awkward teen duck

I mean look at that feather tuft. For his sake, leave him to his farm life. His existence shouldn’t be sacrificed because you made a stupid impulse purchase. And besides, the Nat Geo ducklings are MIGHTY cute.

So I don’t know if anyone else has noticed these ads in the Washington Post:

Yeah. I did. Having that face stare at me while I read about a man being glued to a toilet seat at Walmart (yes that happened) was just too odd, so I did some investigation. What did I find? (1) Adi Da (the guy) is dead – He died in 2008 at 69, (2) this ad is to join the Maryland chapter of the religion of his devotees, and (3) I really need to become a spiritual leader.

According to Wikipedia, this guy, born Albert Jones, was a Lutheran, raised in Long Island, attended Columbia and Stanford, did tons of psychotropic drugs in yuppie Palo Alto before moving to Greenwich village where he did yoga and things. His dad said he needed to get a job so he trained to be a Lutheran minister, had a breakdown and dropped out, became a Scientologist, then dropped out of that and started traveling around India until one day he said he realized “the bright” (spiritual enlightenment) in LA, opened an Eastern religion bookstore with a Scientologist’s backing, and started lecturing about his autobiography he had just written .

The most spiritually enlightened of mullets

Then he founded his religion, then called “The Dawn Horse Communion,” now called Adidam, in which he declared himself “the divine lord in human form,” and declared that people can find spiritual enlightenment through him.

I am like the sunlight in the morning. I intensify the light of morning until you Awaken…Am your own True Self-Nature Appearing within the dream to Awaken you. I am your Awakening, and your Always Already Conscious State – from the ad link (specifically tailored to Washington Post readers)

It is in the style of Indian religions, and has involved meditation, yoga and “sexual theater” (i.e. group orgies). He was under investigation for sex abuse and tax evasion – he had numerous wives. He changed his name multiple times, including once to “Bubba Free John.” Technically the religion consists of 7 steps toward enlightenment, titled things like “abiding in consciousness,” and there are all these other details about the stages etc that I have no patience to address now.

Yoda-inspired shot

I mean. He is a crazy person. Also sort of looked like a serial killer in his youth. Which seems funny until you realize Adidam has enough money to do ads in the Washington Post, has quotes from UN Officials who have found enlightenment, and has spiritual centers internationally. One of my friends told me she wanted to be a spiritual guru. She said it would involve cucumber slices, yoga and Death Valley. Honestly, why not? Here is what you need

Cited influence of a small religious sect in a warm-weathered developing country that is not easily accessible

A designated number of steps that must be followed but the final two steps can never ever be realized

With yesterday’s snoozefest of an NCAA national championship mercifully over, my mind started wandering to college basketball as it pertains to DC. We’ve recently had something of a renaissance with this sport, as the plucky mid majors (George Mason and VCU) and the traditional power (Georgetown) all having reached the final 4 in the past 5 years. While no shortage of ink, copy and air time has been spared for the little guys, I find myself fairly irritated by the decided lack of coverage Georgetown has received locally.

While I am not from these parts originally, I’ve had the pleasure of having been educated and lived in NOVA, worked all throughout Montgomery county in Maryland and now live firmly within the borders of the District. As such, I’ve interacted with just about every sort of bloc that has come from this region. And it seems unless you went to Georgetown (as our beloved Spy did), the general reaction from the region’s denizens is a shoulder shrug and to talk instead about the big state school.

I mean come on!

It’s almost comical how frequently this occurs. If I am at work with some folks from Rockville, all they discuss is their love of Maryland basketball (despite having gone to some stupid school in Colorado or something). Or if I turn on my favorite radio program the Junkies (sarcasm), all the Virginians want to do is call in with utter disgust that Virginia Tech was denied a bid. Maryland, VA Tech? Really? I understand if you went to these schools, but everyone else really doesn’t have an excuse. Maryland has been wallowing in mediocrity for over a half decade and Tech has only just generated a competitive program. By contrast, Georgetown while serially underperforming, has an excellent program and consistently ranks as one of the top schools in the country. More to the point, it’s actually in DC and has a long and glorious history of excellence and breaking down racial barriers.

You are loyal to THIS?!?!?!

I get why some people dislike Georgetown. The students are typically very smart, often wealthy and sometimes (but not always) come from a landed family. Moreover, private schools and those affiliated with Rome (sorry about those posts again Mr. Ratzinger) make themselves pretty easy targets. But Georgetown is DC through and through, and it is usually far closer to where you grew up and live than any of these other big state schools. So come on DC, put aside the class and religious warfare for once and get behind a program that actually can make us proud. Oh, and what the hell is a Hokie anyway?

After watching Georgetown and George Mason “perform” this past weekend, the spies are in stunned silence.

IronCityspy's bracket being mourned.

I mean, Georgetowns third straight 1st round exit (and second straight demolition) has given Spy such an eye twitch that I am unsure when she’ll be blogging again. As for me, I went from the euphoria of this:

God, adding insult to injury, my bracket looks like a stillborn pterodactyl (when it’s early my analogies become entirely Jurassic Park inspired). You should have seen the confidence I had in my own brilliance just one week ago: “Louisville making some noise in the Big East tournament will obviously translate into success!” “Notre Dame has impressed me all year!” “You know who I love? Washington and UCLA!” Yikes.

How are the rest of you doing this morning. Hopefully some of your brackets are slightly more promising?

-IronCityspy

P.S. Sorry about last week — Spy will be back this week with ACTUAL DC news.

I love this time of year. The days are starting to get longer, the weather grows increasingly warm and the beautiful people are finally running outside again. Moreover, we are entering the conference tournament season for college basketball — which means March Madness is just around the corner. Locally, both the Hoyas and Mason are locks to join the big dance and (hopefully) make some noise. But while DC is euphoric, the disciples of Joseph Smith are considerably less so. Let me explain:

Today is National Pancake Day at IHOP, which means you get a free short stack from 7am to 10pm. IHOP is asking people to considering donating to the Children’s Miracle Network and other charities after their meal. IHOP’s goal is to raise $2.3 million, last year they raised $2.1 million for different causes. The IHOPs in Arlington, Columbia Heights and Takoma Park are participating. AND in honor of the day, here are some pancake photos!

If you dislike pancakes, you are missing out on a national treasure and I have nothing to say. If you contaminate pancakes by using IHOP’s flavored syrups, you must switch immediately to original maple syrup in order to protect the integrity of pancakes everywhere.

Oh, hi weather. This isn’t a tease or anything. It’s sunny, but pouring. Oh wait, it’s sunny again — I guess I can venture outside. Nope! Windstorm and downpour — despite there being almost no cloud cover. I am sure there is some kind of atmospheric explanation for this phenomenon (err, climate change?), but frankly I don’t have time for learning. All I know is it’s stupid and shouldn’t be tolerated. Speaking of intolerable, you are stuck with another IronCityspy post as Spy is in the midst of interviews and various networking engagements. Let’s see if I can scrounge up any interesting links for you all: