Saturday, February 9, 2013

Like Violence

I guess now that it's been three months, it's safe to publicly say that
Glenn and I are separated. I've avoided doing it not only because I
didn't know what was going to happen, but also because my blogging about
our personal life is something that's come up in the past, and I didn't
want to do anything to further damage our relationship, already so
horribly broken.

I'm not exactly what I (or anybody) would call an optimist or anything, but in all honesty, I've been hoping (and kind of thinking) our situation would change. I'd sit and listen to Angels and Airwaves and Blink-182, sit and really listen to the lyrics, to what in my mind is the story of Tom DeLonge and his wife, lyrics like

I'm not the one to admit it's helpless
I have a sense that we will be all right

and

I know that I can't tell you my mind is running circles.
My eyes have begun to swirl, like death, but it's not as sterile.
I ain't gonna' let you down. I ain't gonna' let you leave me.

and most of all

Nineteen as we roll across the bedroom floor
Your eyes they came alight as you’re dreaming of our future home
And the kids are growing up as you and I we are growing old
What a crazy world, pretty little girl

In the rain with a drink from the back of the bar
I’m raising my voice, you raise it up more
We forget that our lives have been apart it is hard
We thought we are close but it still feels far
And we learn to get by if we learn to have scars
We learn to forgive and accept who we are

You said if you break my heart then I’ll change your mind
And I’ll do it again
If you play the part then I will play mine
And I’ll do it again
If we miss the mark if we hold on tight
We’ll be there to do it again

and I'd think to myself that these songs aren't just Tom and his wife's--God, they're not even Tom and his wife's!--they're mine and Glenn's. They're us. This story, told over so many years and so many albums, is our story, our life. And they'd give me hope. If they could do it, we could do it. If they could accept, we could, too. After all, the question of whether or not Glenn and I love each other was never a question in my mind, and if we had love,
we could live
--despite the scars.

We could change things; I was sure of it.

I was wrong.

It's become pretty evident that the only change my marriage is undergoing is the opposite of the kind I wanted. This time, wonderful people who take the time to read my blog, I think I wouldn't be going too far out on a limb in declaring my marriage over. And it really, really--I mean, really--sucks.

Why am I writing this now? Why, after three months of nothing, have I finally decided to share?

Well, I guess this speaks an awful lot to what's come to be significant in 2013, but since Veterans Day weekend, when we separated, lots of things--things that I won't go into out of respect for Glenn--have been difficult, but I just did one of the most difficult things of all: I unfriended Glenn on Facebook.

I don't know why that's such a big deal, but it is. No, that's not true; I actually do.

With the click of my mouse, I just effectively took our once-intertwined lives and separated them
just
-a little
-more.

6 comments:

I would love to say I'm sorry to read this, but truth be told from your blogs last year I felt the two of you getting back together was simply just a means to delay the inevitable. Breaking up SUCKS.. it hurts like hell, but in the end if it's what needs to be done then it needs to be done.. If you still have my number use it anytime, if you dont then send me a message on fb and I will give it to ya again.. (HUGS)

I disagree. I guarantee that from my perspective, it looks exactly the same. I know that from a "brain" standpoint, Glenn and I shouldn't be together. I'm logical and analytical enough to see that. Knowing something is much different from being able to do something, though.