‘I live to strangle animals’ brags Heseltine

by philapilus

Loved every snap of gristle and gasp for air

Lord Heseltine has boasted openly about his wilful pleasure in suffocating animals for the first time.

The revelations of his animal cruelty began with a recent admission that he had shot 400 squirrels in his garden – many of which had been specially bussed in and stapled to a wall while he and Douglas Hurd pounded them with a vintage Maxim machine gun.

Heseltine reminisced wistfully on the One Show about the slaughter, “‘Feed me, Dougie, feed me!’ I shouted, as Hurd fed the cartridge belt into the chamber. Great days.”

But in a new interview with Tatler magazine Lord Heseltine describes his fixation with asphyxiation, telling how his lust for choking animals to death began “When I was forced to euthanase my mother’s alsation, Kim.

“I had been throwing darts into pictures of Margaret Thatcher’s ugly face, when I looked down at the sleeping dog and thought; ‘that animal has clearly had a breakdown’. So with no other option open to me, I choked him with a shot silk scarf.”

But this was just the beginning of what Heseltine now terms his ‘Lordly calling’, as over the next few years he began to strangle cats, dogs, foxes – and even one time a moose – in numbers too high to count.

“1996 was my best year,” boasted the tory peer, “one of the trustees of Battersea Dogs Home was desperate for an OBE, so he agreed to let me loose in the kennels for fifteen minutes with a garotte.

“52 doggy deaths later and we were sipping tea in Claridges discussing what he would like to receive the OBE for.”

Animal charities have roundly condemned Lord Heseltine’s actions.

Roger Spacka, of the RSPCA, said “Michael’s slayings are hideously barbaric. Pets should only be slaughtered by proper trained vets using dynamite.”

After a thoughful pause he added “Mind you, a few dogs isn’t that bad, comparatively speaking. Thatcher strangled the poor in their millions and no one batted an eyelid.”