Give to me your leather, take from me my lace…

Wifey Wednesday: The Powerful Wifey

I just have to take a sec to tell you guys about this amazing study. When we were dating, Chris and I did this as part of a group at Conversations and we were absolutely rocked by all that we discovered about ourselves, and all that we realized we could do to totally JACK UP this thing we had going. Right now we are going through the study again with two other dating couples and I am still being slapped around by God with the truth about myself, and the power I have.

Now, by power, I mean I can really do some damage. Or, I can allow myself to be used for something pretty amazing: A CHANGE.

A change in who I am, how I respond to my husband, what “normal” has been in my own past and what it CAN BE for my children.

First off, I know better – I do. But, dangit so many of us KNOW BETTER but never DO BETTER. So tragic. And as we go through this study, again, I am reminded that even DOING BETTER is not enough – I need to DO BETTER over and over and over again until BETTER is THE NEW NORMAL, until BETTER is WHO I AM.

In the meantime, here are a JUST A FEW gleanings I have been soaking in beat up by so far in this second round of the book.

There are 2 kinds of people:

POWERFUL and POWERLESS.

POWERFUL people are not controlled by fear, emotion, and anger.

POWERLESS people are controlled by their feelings. They function BASED ON their environment.
A POWERLESS person responds irrationally when they are misunderstood, disrespected, or hurt. This person says, “IF YOU WILL, I WILL. IF YOU DO, I DO. My life is all just one big reaction to whats going on around me – I’m just a reflex.”

YUCK… how lame is that? I do not want to be a reflex! Reflexes are jerk reactions… I don’t want to be a jerk.
A POWERFULperson says this:

You don’t control the vital pieces of me that make me a healthy, responsible, powerful person. I control me.

YOUR DISRESPECT WILL NEVER BE JUSTIFICATION FOR ME TO BE DISRESPECTFUL.

And that right there is where I’m camping… that alone is enough for me to work on for a good, long minute. In this area, I am currently powerless. I react. I fire back. I am not strong enough in myself to reply to hurtful things with compassion and go unoffended, but I want to be. When my husband says or does things I am hurt by, I want to be powerful enough for both of us to bring us back to our senses, instead of fueling the fire.

For those of you dating… keep in mind, you don’t attract what you want to be, you attract what you ARE. As you become POWERFUL, you will find a powerful person and together you will perpetuate a powerful relationship. If you are powerless, you may find yourself controlling EVERY.THING. This is a sign of fear… a way to protect your heart… when you want to protect yourself, you reach for control. Scared people need control. Powerless people control, blame, and react.

How amazing is it that being POWERFUL can sometimes, simply mean KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT? Just being still, being silent.

And here’s the defuser question:

What do you need? Ask your husband, when he’s being irrational or unreasonable, what is it he needs from you, and get straight to the bottom of it!

What do you need? What do you need? What do you need? What do you need?

What do you need?

Practice it, memorize it, and when you want to jerk out with a fabulously cutting, witty, bitchy response to the man you love, instead find out what he needs from you.

Or not… and life will suck, marriage will be miserable, and you’ll control everything, blame everyone, while living your days as a freak in fear.

Oh and here’s the worse part… the true tragedy of not DOING BETTER when you know better… the moment you see your own precious children RECEIVE into their lives the junk you never did overcome. Not the kind of “mini-me” we want to mold, mommas.

NO. Uh uhhhh. No way now how NO THANK YOU. I will not have my children living out MY ISSUES.