Divorce - The Huffington Posthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorce/Divorce news and blog articles from The Huffington PostenFri, 31 Jul 2015 23:48:28 GMTFri, 31 Jul 2015 23:48:28 GMT3023 Things I Learned In The Year After My Divorcehttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C310C230Ethings0Ei0Elearned0Ein0Ethe0Eyear0Eafter0Emy0Edivorce0In0I79153760Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p>I lived what a lot of other people thought was a picture-perfect life. I had the kid, the second home and all of the trappings we, as women, are taught to desire.</p> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566462379/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489cc9eb/sc/17/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 23:00:29 GMTBrittany Wonghttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/31/23-things-i-learned-in-the-year-after-my-divorce_n_7915376.htmlThe Quote That Empowered Me To Embrace Life Post-Splithttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bfce2/sc/15/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C310Cthe0Einspiring0Equote0Ethat0Emade0Eme0Echange0Eout0Eof0Emy0Esnuggie0Epost0Esplit0In0I79139940Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<p>&#160;</p><br /> <div class="wrapper-component component entry-component__image-centering-wrapper fout_guard"><span class="image-component image-component_with-overlay image-component_with-pinterest image-component_with-microdata image-component_with-pinterest-sticky component"><img class="image-component__main-image" src="http://img.huffingtonpost.com//asset/scalefit_630_noupscale/55aec5241500007600173d0a.png?cache=vID9zcgetI" alt="" /></span></div><br /> <div>&#160;</div><br /> <div>&#160;</div><br /> <div><br /> <p><em>When we first&#160;<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/introducing-huffpost-divo_b_780378.html">launched HuffPost Divorce</a>&#160;in 2010, we featured a series called&#160;<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/10/divorce-aphorism-of-the-d_n_780406.html">"Divorce Aphorisms of the Day."&#160;</a></em></p><br /> <p><em>The series -- just like the section itself -- was the brainchild of the late Nora Ephron, a woman whose <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/19/nora-ephron-on-heartbreak_n_7337098.html">wit and wisdom on the subject of divorce</a>&#160;and heartbreak is unparalleled.&#160;</em></p><br /> </div><br /> <p><em>"It crosses our mind that there's far too much attention paid to aphorisms about falling in love and not nearly enough to those about falling out of love,"&#160;<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/10/divorce-aphorism-of-the-d_n_780406.html">Ephron wrote in the introduction.&#160;</a></em></p><br /> <p><em>She was absolutely right. In homage to Ephron -- and because quotes about heartbreak really should be given more due -- we're relaunching the series with the help of our readers. Was there a saying, quote or mantra that helped you move on during your divorce? We want to hear it! Send the quote and a few sentences about it to&#160;<a href="mailto:divorce@huffingtonpost.com" target="_hplink">divorce@huffingtonpost.com</a>&#160;for consideration.&#160;</em></p><br /> <p>For this installment, writer Amy Koko shares the quote that made her realize "damn, I need to get out of this Snuggie and get moving" when her marriage of almost three decades ended in 2011. Read what she had to say below.</p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Without a doubt the quote that got me through my divorce was&#160;<a href="http://www.harpersbazaar.com/fashion/designers/a2818/50-famous-fashion-quotes-part-two/" target="_blank">this one from Elizabeth Taylor</a>.'After a month of eating Cap&#8217;n Crunch from a box while wandering the house in a blue Snuggie, I came across it -- and it hit me <em>hard.</em> I got up, got myself together and got a life. I started by purging my closet and lingerie drawer and even my old makeup. I invested in some clothes that made the new me feel terrific. I applied for jobs and I got one. It was the first job I had since working at the mall 30 years ago. I got up, I got out, I met people and recreated myself. I did, indeed, end up pulling myself together." -- <em>Amy Koko, writer at&#160;<a href="http://www.exwifenewlife.com/p/about-me_6.html" target="_blank">Ex-Wife New Life</a></em></p><br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>Check out the slideshow for more quotes that inspired our readers:&#160;</strong></p><br /> <br /> <div class="entry-component__content" data-beacon="{&#34;p&#34;:{&#34;mlid&#34;:&#34;entry&#34;}}"><br /> <p><em>Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostDivorce" target="_hplink">Facebook.</a></em>&#160; &#160;</p><br /> </div><br /> <div class="entry-component__entry-tags">&#160;</div> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566455532/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bfce2/sc/15/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bfce2/sc/15/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 19:00:40 GMTBrittany Wonghttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/31/the-inspiring-quote-that-made-me-change-out-of-my-snuggie-post-split_n_7913994.html8 Gardening Lessons You Can Use in Your Divorcehttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bd85a/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ckaren0Ecovy0C80Egardening0Elessons0Eyou0Ec0Ib0I79127720Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438357739-4613724-Garden2.PNG"><img alt="2015-07-31-1438357739-4613724-Garden2.PNG" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438357739-4613724-Garden2-thumb.PNG" width="562" height="553" /></a><br /> As I was up to my elbows in compost and worms the other day, it occurred to me that divorce is a lot like gardening: it's hard work, takes an enormous amount of time, and the results are never guaranteed. Surprisingly, the techniques and tactics you use to grow a good garden are very similar to those that will help you survive your divorce, and set you up to thrive afterwards.<br /> <br /> Here are 8 gardening lessons that can help you in your divorce.<br /> <br /> <strong>1. How you start matters.</strong> If you take the time to overturn your soil well in the spring, plant your seeds carefully, and water your garden with care, you have a much better chance that the seeds you planted will germinate and grow. The same is true of divorce. If you take the time to explore the different ways you can get divorced (collaborative divorce, mediation, negotiation, arbitration, and litigation) and you carefully choose the divorce process that you believe will work best for you BEFORE you file for divorce, you will have a much better chance of getting through the divorce process without doing major damage to your family, your finances and your future.<br /> <br /> <strong>2. Planning is essential for success. </strong> The most successful gardeners plan their gardens with care, making sure that each crop is planted in its own space, with the right amount of sun and the proper type of soil. Divorce is no different. You need to identify what you want and need, as well as what your spouse and your kids want and need. Then you need to work with your divorce professionals to lay out a plan that will systematically move you towards achieving your goals.<br /> <br /> <strong>3. Too much heat burns up everything.</strong> Pursuing a scorched earth policy is as bad for your divorce as it is for a garden. You might think that by fighting your spouse tooth and nail you will have a better chance of getting everything you want. In reality, you will destroy most of what there was to get. Once you start a fire, you often find out that it is impossible to control the blaze.<br /> <br /> <strong>4. A little water goes a long way. </strong>Compassion is something that is usually in short supply in any divorce. Each party is worried about his/her own survival. Neither party trusts the other. Both are afraid of being taken advantage of by the other. One or both are usually worried about the kids. In this situation, it is easy to let fear carry you away. If, instead of demonizing your spouse, and reacting out of fear, you can find a way to be just a little bit kind to your spouse (even if s/he doesn't deserve it!) and act with compassion, you may find that you end up getting more of your own needs met, while making the divorce process a whole lot easier on everyone. (Oh, and being kind to yourself along the way helps a lot, too!)<br /> <br /> <strong>5. If you don't pull the weeds, your harvest will be slim.</strong> The weeds in divorce are fears. Divorce is full of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of not having enough money to survive, fear of losing your kids, fear of hurting your kids. The list of fears goes on and on. Some fears, like the fear of being alone, you just have to confront and pull out. You are going to be alone (at least for awhile) and the sooner you get comfortable with that, and start dealing with it, the happier you will be. Other fears - like the fear of being financially devastated - need to be coaxed out with care, as you seek out new employment, or take steps to shore up your finances so that you can survive your divorce and thrive afterwards.<br /> <br /> <strong>6. There is no substitute for hard work.</strong> Closing your eyes to the weeds in your garden will not make them go away. Closing your eyes to the issues in your divorce will not make them go away either. You have to work to pull the weeds, water the garden and get rid of the bugs and the pests. Similarly, you have to take the time to gather your documents, make a financial plan, separate from your spouse and establish a parenting schedule. You have to deal with the court process, create a new lifestyle and get a handle on your emotional issues. Divorce is a ton of work! But, if you put the time in now, once your divorce is over, you will emerge on the other side a stronger, more confident and (hopefully) happier person.<br /> <br /> <strong>7. Fertilizer helps a lot. </strong> You can grow a garden without ever fertilizing it, but your harvest will be much more bountiful if you make sure your plants get the vitamins and minerals they need to grow to their fullest potential. In divorce, your fertilizer is your divorce team. It is the lawyer, therapist, financial planner, coach, support group, and friends that you put together to support and guide you through your divorce. Can you get through your divorce without some, or all, of these people? Of course you can. Will you get through it as well? I doubt it.<br /> <br /> <strong>8. Everything grows in its own time.</strong> It takes longer to grow a pumpkin than a radish. You may not like that fact, but no matter how much light, water, and fertilizer you give the pumpkin, it is never going to grow as fast as a radish. The same is true of divorce. One person almost always emotionally processes the divorce faster than the other. If that person tries to push the slower person into finishing the divorce before the slower person is ready, an ugly (and lengthy) battle usually results. The bottom line? You can't rush a divorce any more than you can rush a garden.<br /> <br /> Karen Covy is a divorce lawyer and advisor in Chicago, Illinois. She is the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/When-Happily-Ever-After-Ends/dp/1512182214/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1438357116&sr=8-1&keywords=when+happily+ever+after+ends" target="_hplink">When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce Emotionally, Financially and Legally</a>. To get more divorce (but not gardening) advice from Karen, go to <a href="http://karencovy.com/" target="_hplink">www.karencovy.com</a>. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566424173/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85a/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bd85a/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 18:35:54 GMTKaren Covyhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-covy/8-gardening-lessons-you-c_b_7912772.htmlThinking of Ending Your Marriage? Here's Some Expert Advice.http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bd85d/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ccheryl0Eand0Ejoe0Edillon0Cthinking0Eof0Eending0Eyour0Em0Ib0I79133940Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htmMaking the decision to divorce is one of the most painful decisions you will most likely face in your lifetime. With so much at stake, especially if you have children, how do you know if divorce is the right move for you?<br /> <br /> Thinking of ending your marriage? Read what our panel of experts had to say on this critically important question.<br /> <br /> <strong>Question: What advice would you give someone to help them decide whether or not to end their marriage?</strong><br /> <br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364361-5791040-LauraAlperheadshot.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-31-1438364361-5791040-LauraAlperheadshot.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364361-5791040-LauraAlperheadshot-thumb.jpg" width="147" height="180" /></a><br /> <a href="http://www.lauraalper.com" target="_hplink">Laura Alper, MSW, LCSW</a><br /> <br /> "Firstly, it's advisable that this couple get some counseling to help guide their decision. Secondly, they should ask themselves if there are any external stressors which might be temporarily influencing how they feel about one another that might resolve over time.<br /> <br /> A good practice is to engage in a mental exercise by projecting out 5, 10, 15, and 20 years into the future and imagining how their lives would look both within the marriage and having left it. They would do this separately. This gives a simulated mental picture of various future scenarios. Their feelings about those different scenarios may help inform their decision.<br /> <br /> The next suggestion would be to use this phrase: "When in doubt, delay." If there is any uncertainty about proceeding with divorce, they may want to delay the decision, perhaps giving an arbitrary amount of time (for example 6 months) to test the merit of the relationship. During this trial period they would make a commitment to themselves and to one another that there would be no harmful behavior or acting out. It would be a time in which they would be as committed to the relationship as possible to see if it stands the test of time. "<br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364749-6001440-DavidKlow.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-31-1438364749-6001440-DavidKlow.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364749-6001440-DavidKlow-thumb.jpg" width="147" height="138" /></a><br /> <a href="mailto:http://www.skylightcounselingcenter.com/home" target="_hplink">David Klow, LMFT</a><br /> <br /> "My advice would be to take their time in making that decision and that even when they make it, they can certainly go back. People get back together. And there's a lot that can be done before you actually make the decision to get divorced. And I would say go slowly.<br /> <br /> People usually report that their divorce goes better if they really felt like they tried everything that they could to first try to make the marriage work. And they were in just enough pain and discomfort that they needed to make that difficult decision. People usually think they have tried everything but often there's more that can still be done to try to salvage a marriage."<br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364305-9241837-Pam_Brand_headshot_square.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-31-1438364305-9241837-Pam_Brand_headshot_square.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364305-9241837-Pam_Brand_headshot_square-thumb.jpg" width="147" height="161" /></a><br /> <a href="http://www.pamelabrand.com/" target="_hplink">Dr. Pamela Brand, Psy.D., LMFT</a><br /> <br /> "It would be important to make sure that each individual understand their feelings and needs that have not been met in their marriage. I would want to inquire about whether or not they've had the opportunity to express these feelings and needs to their spouse and if they have had an opportunity to have conversations about those feelings and those needs to determine if they could get those met. For couples who had not done that, I would strongly encourage that they do that in or out of counseling depending on the situation.<br /> <br /> It is important that couples understand that conflict is a normal part of marriage and that expectations are not always clear at the time you get married. I advise couples to take the opportunity to clarify expectations and needs, which is essential to healthy development of marriage. The process of talking together with or without a counselor would be for the purpose of helping the couple look at whether or not each of them are open to and/or able to shift unworkable patterns. I also believe that it is important to help couples understand what prevents them from responding to each others' needs and expectations. Sometimes, for example, patterns of stubbornness prevail and can block more positive interaction."<br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364257-6872201-Anne_Malec_Headshot_square.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-31-1438364257-6872201-Anne_Malec_Headshot_square.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364257-6872201-Anne_Malec_Headshot_square-thumb.jpg" width="147" height="162" /></a><br /> <a href="http://www.symmetrycounseling.com/" target="_hplink">Dr. Anne Malec, Psy.D., LMFT</a><br /> <br /> "I would say don't do anything too quickly and educate yourself first as to whether the problems in the relationship can be addressed and improved. There are resources available (books and websites) that are effective in helping people determine if their relationship is worth saving. In addition, attending individual and couples counseling will allow for the safe exploration of thoughts and feelings relating to yourself, your partner, and your marriage.<br /> <br /> Many long-standing relationship struggles can benefit from the assistance of licensed and qualified therapists. Not every problem a couple faces is insurmountable, even those problems that are long-standing in nature. Some differences are reconcilable. "<br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364216-9336494-Cheryl_headshot_square.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-31-1438364216-9336494-Cheryl_headshot_square.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-31-1438364216-9336494-Cheryl_headshot_square-thumb.jpg" width="147" height="166" /></a><br /> <a href="http://www.equitablemediation.com/cheryl-dillon-divorce-coach" target="_hplink">Cheryl Dillon, CPC</a><br /> <br /> If you're unhappy in your marriage, it's normal to think about divorce because getting a divorce might seem like the quickest or best way to get out of a bad situation. But making the decision to end your marriage will be one of the biggest decisions you will ever face in your life. So it's not to be taken lightly. There are many things you need to seriously consider before taking such a significant and life-altering step.<br /> <br /> The first thing you need to focus on are the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cheryl-and-joe-dillon/how-do-i-know-if-i-should-divorce_b_5628064.html" target="_hplink">emotional considerations of divorce</a>.<br /> <br /> Many years ago when I was contemplating divorce, it was important to me that I not have any regrets about my decision. I never wanted to get to a point in the future where I felt like I made a mistake by ending my marriage. I wanted to be certain that I was doing the right thing by asking my husband for a divorce.<br /> <br /> Before you do anything you might later regret, think about your own emotional considerations.<br /> <br /> Then think about your children.<br /> <br /> There's no doubt divorce is even more difficult when children are involved. <a href="http://www.equitablemediation.com/blog/should-we-stay-together-for-the-kids" target="_hplink">Do you stay together for the sake of your kids?</a> Or is it unfair to them (and you) to remain in an unhappy marriage?<br /> <br /> Ask yourself if staying together will do more harm than good.<br /> <br /> In addition to the emotional reasons, there are <a href="http://www.equitablemediation.com/blog/financial-considerations-before-you-decide-to-divorce" target="_hplink">financial considerations</a>. Especially because divorce only creates expense, not income and it costs more to run two separate households than one.<br /> <br /> The decision to divorce is very personal and one that only you can make. So take your time. Focus on the emotional and financial considerations and think about what's best for your children. And if you do decide to proceed, learn what you can do to <a href="http://www.equitablemediation.com/how-to-get-through-divorce-peacefully" target="_hplink">keep things as peaceful as possible</a>.<br /> <br /> Joe and Cheryl Dillon are co-founders of <a href="http://www.equitablemediation.com/" target="_hplink">Equitable Mediation Services</a>, a divorce mediation firm that specializes in helping couples divorce peacefully, cost-effectively and fairly - without lawyers. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566424172/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85d/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bd85d/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 18:31:24 GMTCheryl and Joe Dillonhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/cheryl-and-joe-dillon/thinking-of-ending-your-m_b_7913394.htmlHow My Husband Went From Bachelor To Incredible Stepdadhttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bd85e/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C30A0Chow0Emy0Ehusband0Ewent0Efrom0Esingle0Eguy0Eto0Ebeing0Ean0Eincredible0Estepdad0In0I79135540Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<p><em>As part of our <strong><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/blended-family-friday/" target="_hplink">Blended Family Friday</a></strong> series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they've worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life!</em>&#160;<em>Want to share your family's story? Email us at&#160;<a href="mailto:divorce@huffingtonpost.com" target="_hplink">divorce@huffingtonpost.com</a>.</em></p><br /> <p>On Father's Day 2015, writer Shawna Wingert wrote lovingly on HuffPost about how her husband <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shawna-wingert/to-the-step-dad-on-father_b_7613672.html" target="_blank">Mick has wholeheartedly embraced the role of stepdad</a>&#160;to her sons.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Mick chose to be with [my] children," <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shawna-wingert/to-the-step-dad-on-father_b_7613672.html" target="_blank">she wrote.</a>&#160;"Unlike their biological parents, who just got what we got, he knew these kids and chose to be a part of their lives anyway. He tells them that, all the time."&#160;</p><br /> <p>Wingert's blog was so touching, we asked if she'd share <a href="http://nottheformerthings.com/" target="_blank">more of her story</a>. &#160;See what she had to say below.&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>Hi Shawna. Please introduce us to your family.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>I brought two sons into my marriage with Mick. Our boys are 12 and 9.</p><br /> <p><strong>How long have you and&#160;Mick been married?&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>We have been married for almost five years.</p><br /> <br /> <p>(<em>Pho</em><em>to courtesy of&#160; Shawna Wingert)</em></p><br /> <p><strong>Mick was a single guy with no kids when you met him. What were those early days like? What's one problem you faced?</strong></p><br /> <div>In beginning, the adjustment for&#160;Mick&#160;of suddenly having an instant family, after being a bachelor for his entire adult life, was difficult. We went into marriage thinking that it would be tough for the boys to adjust, but they were much more resilient than we thought possible. It was&#160;Mick&#160;who needed some time to get used to so many other people in his space all the time.&#160;</div><br /> <div>&#160;</div><br /> <div>Another problem that we face, over and over again, has been not blaming the other and trying to remember that we are on the same team. There have been way too many times, when&#160;Mick&#160;would accuse me of spoiling my son when he actually had a medical need or&#160;Mick&#160;would have a very valid concern and I would just dismiss it because <em>"What does he know anyway? He's never had children."</em> Time and time again, we find it's important to remind ourselves that we are in this together. We want the same thing -- a happy, functional family. We are on the same team.&#160;</div><br /> <div>&#160;</div><br /> <div>Plus, our 12-year-old has high functioning autism and an autoimmune disorder. Both were diagnosed after we were married, so neither of us knew or were prepared for the challenges that were in store. (Not that any couple really ever does!)</div><br /> <div>&#160;</div><br /> <p><strong>What's the best thing about being part of a blended family? What makes you proudest of your family?</strong></p><br /> <p>Mick has been telling our boys since before we were married that he is the lucky one because he got to choose who his sons would be and most dads just have to take what they get. This kind of acceptance and love from their "bonus dad" has made a tremendous impact on them. For Mick and I, the best thing is feeling like we are in it together, trying to make the most of the people and time we have been given.</p><br /> <p>At the end of the day, even when it has been tough, we all really like each other and are happy that we get to be a family.</p><br /> <p><strong>What advice do you have for parents and stepparents who are struggling to create a peaceful family dynamic?</strong> <br />In addition to seeking marriage and family counseling if you feel stuck (which we have done and will continue do -- this life is not for the faint of heart and there is no shame in getting some outside counsel when you need it!), we would say try to pick your battles.</p><br /> <p>So often the stress level and anger in our home is high because Mick and I are reacting to all the things we see that are wrong. When we stop overreacting to all the things and actually talk, we try to pick the one or two things we really want to see change and agree to just let the other stuff go for a while. For example, our bedtime routine was chaotic and crazy for a few months. This caused tons of stress, every night. Finally, we sat down and said, "What is one thing I can do, and one thing you can do to make it easier?" We both agreed to just do our one thing and let the other issues slide. It helped immensely and we both felt like we were equally contributing to the solution.</p><br /> <p>And our last bit of advice: If all else fails, load everyone in the car and go for ice cream. We have learned it is really hard to be upset when there is ice cream on the table.</p><br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>More from HuffPost:&#160;</strong></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<em>Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostDivorce" target="_hplink">Facebook.</a></em></p><br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p>&#160;</p> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566424171/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489bd85e/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489bd85e/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 17:53:31 GMTBrittany Wonghttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/30/how-my-husband-went-from-single-guy-to-being-an-incredible-stepdad_n_7913554.htmlHow to Wreck Your Marriage -- Part 3http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489b525d/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ccindy0Efinch0Emsw0Elicsw0Chow0Eto0Ewreck0Eyour0Emarriag0I30Ib0I78978440Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<strong>Want to Wreck Your Most Important Relationship?</strong><br /> <br /> Try This...<br /> <br /> <u>Ignore Your Own Past </u> <br /> <br /> Many people have unresolved issues from their past that are destroying their present relationships. These issues cloud the lenses through which they see themselves and others to such a degree that a perfectly good marriage or partnership can be completely ruined. When one partner can't unhook from the way they were raised or traumatic events from their past, they become taunted by an internal ticker tape of negative thoughts and feelings that inevitably spill over into every day life - and into their marriage.<br /> <br /> Let's face it, many of us come from backgrounds of abuse, trauma, loss, abandonment, mental illness, addiction and/or divorce. Life has dealt us some very tough blows and the families we grew up in left us with some very real wounds. And because some of these things can be so painful to deal with, many of us who don't know how to effectively handle the internal after-shocks of a troubled childhood wander off into the world of "coping" instead. By coping we mean that people will often try anything and everything to ease the emotional pain they feel rather than address their core issues. A few examples of coping include:<br /> <br /> <ul><li>Over-eating (or under-eating) </li><br /> <li>Watching TV for hours on end </li><br /> <li>Shopping when you cannot afford it</li><br /> <li>Over-working</li><br /> <li>Using substance to an extreme or illegally</li><br /> <li>Over commitment in activities</li><br /> <li>Pornography</li><br /> <ul><li>Affairs</li></ul><br /> <li>A compulsion for success, recognition, or accomplishment</li><br /> <li>Anything to an extreme, just to avoid feeling, even healthy behaviors</li><br /> </ul><br /> <br /> Though many of these activities may seem harmless to you, they are not, when viewed in the bigger picture. Often, these types of behaviors will put you at odds with your partner because they can destroy trust, ruin your finances, shatter your reputation, threaten your health and/or humiliate those around you. But mostly, these ways of coping take you away from showing up in and nurturing the primary relationships in your life. Constant involvement in escapist activities can literally make you a ghost in your own house. <br /> <br /> And usually, for the family of someone who engages regularly in these things, there is a price to be paid. Unfortunately, it is most likely the family bank account, a career, the kids, or your integrity that will pick up the tab for a life of excessive or out-of-control coping.<br /> <br /> <strong>Marriage Saver</strong><br /> <br /> <u>Deal With Your Stuff </u> <br /> <br /> You had no control over the kind of family you grew up in as a kid. Thankfully, you do have control over the one you create now, as an adult. <br /> <br /> <strong>Here's the bottom Line:</strong> You will be happier, your family will be closer and your marriage will be stronger if you deal with your past. You are shaped by your past. The events and people of your life - for better or worse - have made you who you are. Without knowing it, many people wreck their marriage and repeat the same harmful patterns they were brought up with unless they take the courageous steps to change those patterns. Here are some practical steps:<br /> <br /> <ul><li>If you struggle with an addiction or two, admit it and seek treatment and support.</li><br /> <li>If you experience the mental torment of depression or anxiety - help yourself and your family by talking to a doctor or therapist and investigating medications.</li><br /> <li>Get moving - Exercise and a healthy diet make everything look better - including you!</li><br /> <li>Develop a spiritual life; it helps you realize the universe revolves around something greater, higher, and larger than you.</li><br /> <li>Attend couple's counseling with your partner. It can help to have an objective set of eyes on the scene.</li></ul><br /> <br /> <strong>A Word of Hope:</strong> When people begin to deal with the interior of who they are and where they came from, it can be tricky and a bit messy. Don't lost heart! We have rarely met a person who has courageously taken the "inward journey" of making peace with their past and regretted it. <br /> <br /> As you begin to come to terms with the story of who you are and where you came from, seek out people who can be in your "circle of trust" to support you and challenge you as you confront your demons. These are the folks who know all your flaws and struggles and love you anyways. They accept you unconditionally and share their struggles with you as well. The Celts have a word for this type of relationship, it's called Anam Cara - it means "Soul Friend." A true friend of your soul will travel with you through the ups and downs of life and help you get where you need to be. <br /> <br /> But you need more than one Anam Cara friend in your life or you run the risk of wearing them out when you hit a wall or run off the road during your healing process. So, spread out your needs a bit and consider taking a trained professional like a therapist or a minister into your circle of trust as well. When you do choose someone to help you heal look for these characteristics in a friend, clergy or professional:<br /> <br /> <ul><li>They know and understand pain by heart</li><br /> <li>They're not afraid of it</li><br /> <li>They won't look down on you or judge you</li><br /> <li>They are grateful to help a fellow traveler</li><br /> <li>They aren't shocked when they hear about your "secrets"</li><br /> <ul><li>They maintain your privacy</li></ul><br /> <li>They can help you see the light when all else is dark</li></ul><br /> <br /> The ideas in this series of articles were meant to inspire our readers to evolve and change and to hopefully improve their most intimate relationships. But we know that change can be hard. So, remember, Price Pritchett said, "Change always comes bearing gifts." So, be sure to look for the gifts ahead for you on this journey to a better relationship.<br /> <br /> This three-part series on relationships was co-authored by Cindy Finch, LICSW and Dr. Gary Brink, D. Min. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566452084/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b525d/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489b525d/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 17:13:36 GMTCindy Finch, LICSWhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/cindy-finch-msw-licsw/how-to-wreck-your-marriag_3_b_7897844.htmlOde to the Three-Car Yearhttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489b5263/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ckarin0Eschott0Code0Eto0Ethe0Ethree0Ecar0Eyear0Ib0I790A8310A0Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htmThere are times in life when the universe is writing a technical manual for you and the meter and rhyme of the poetry seems to elude you. Maybe an epic narrative is just beginning to unfold yet it is only with some distance of time when you can appreciate its scope.<br /> <br /> I was in the throws of separation and divorce and faced with some very practical challenges; finding work, finding enough work and learning to be a single parent again. Enough for any person. So the last thing I needed was a light on the dash board of my 95 Saab, my second car of the year, informing me that I needed to fill my coolant. Each day for a week this lovely little message spoke to me like some guru..." Wonderful earth child we must remain cool." Dutifully I bowed beneath the hood of the car to fill it up first with antifreeze and when there was not money for antifreeze, with water; a poor man's anointment. Fortunately, this was August and every reliable source told me this was okay. <br /> <br /> The ink was drying on my divorce decree. The water pump was in the back seat of my car. The appointment to replace the water pump was in three days when I was driving down our local route 2 and something from the road kicked up under my car and punched a hole in my radiator. I was near enough to a car dealership to limp my car into their parking lot; my car peeing fluid all over their parking lot. One tow to the mechanic at the other end of my dirt road, one long walk back home and soon I would be rolling pennies so I could make a full reckoning of my available assets.<br /> <br /> There were not many assets. I had just started at my bookstore job, 10 hours a week. I had a modest amount of temporary spousal support which covered basic expenses. I had a little cash saved from hauling hay for a local farmer. I could sell my engagement and wedding band.<br /> <br /> I was too stressed at the time to find the humor in the sum total of 160.00 I received for those rings. But at the time it was enough to purchase a used radiator. A loan from a friend helped me cover the costs of repair and I was gratefully able to drive the car again.<br /> <br /> For about 4 days...<br /> <br /> When suddenly that coolant guru started getting a little preachy. A return trip to the mechanic revealed that while they did, in fact, replace the radiator, they had not replaced the old hoses and one had started to leak. While in the process of replacing the hose a piece of my used radiator came off in the mechanic's hand. My used radiator had been glued at some point either before purchase at the used parts place or at the mechanic's. There was no more money to fix the car and not enough coolant in the world to prevent a total death spasm. Apparently, that little guru had become a fundamentalist. <br /> <br /> Ever try to get a car loan when you haven't worked in over 7 years and you're living on 1,100 dollars a month? The car dealer was at least kind enough not to laugh. I am forever grateful to my aunt and uncle who loaned me the money for the little Subaru I drive now. However, Susie Subaru and I did not get started on the the road to happy motoring very well. One month after acquiring the car it made a horrible noise, started spewing smoke and leaking oil. <br /> <br /> It turned out to be a bad timing belt ( you're telling me!) and a little rubber gasket somewhere in the engine. Fortunately, I was able to afford this fix -- a confidence boost I really needed at the time.<br /> <br /> So it was with utter hilarity that, not one month later, I found myself on an early December evening standing by the side of the road, glass from my sideview mirror under foot.<br /> <br /> A deer, big beautiful buck, more than likely in rut, cruising along a well trod deer trail ran out of the dark at a great rate of speed and ran into my car. My passenger side mirror hung by wire. There was a dent in the back door. My younger son was stunned out of slumber. Any guy in rural Maine wants to know, was the deer lying in the road and do I need help butchering it? Alas, no. "Parting is such sweet..."<br /> <br /> It was just one little sign from the universe that every good epic needs a strong ending. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566452083/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489b5263/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489b5263/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 17:08:43 GMTKarin Schotthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karin-schott/ode-to-the-three-car-year_b_7908310.htmlHere's What Happens When Women Demand Orgasmshttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Cjenny0Eblock0Cheres0Ewhat0Ehappens0Ewhen0Ewomen0Edemand0Eorgasms0Ib0I78890A940Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htmI never thought I'd live to see the day of the female orgasm backlash. But here we are and since it's <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/07/31/national-orgasm-day-female-orgasm-facts_n_7909806.html" target="_hplink">National Orgasm Day</a>, I feel compelled to lash right back. <br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/29/nicki-minaj-orgasms-cosmo_n_7471136.html" target="_hplink">Nicki Minaj says</a>, "I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that." I'm with Minaj. To hell with all of these, "I don't want to come off as greedy or needy or slutty." If you're engaging in sex, it should be as much about your pleasure as your partner's. Period.<br /> <br /> And now people will ask, "But what about the women who can't orgasm?" Yes, of course, sex should be pleasure-oriented. Not goal-oriented. You can have great sex that doesn't end in orgasm. But on the whole, in general, having sex is about getting off, and if your partner is getting off, there is no reason why you shouldn't be getting off too. <br /> <br /> I can't think of one reason to not to publicize and promote every woman's right to orgasm. Enough with the PC crap. Too many women don't come because they don't know their bodies and/or their partners are doing it wrong. It's time to say it. No more being Puritanical or protecting egos. I'm over it. She has a clit and it's about 2 inches from where you think it is. Find it. Stimulate it. And she'll tell you when she's done.<br /> <br /> For those women who truly cannot come -- and I mean no stone left unturned, no vibrator unvibrated, no trick untried -- sexual satisfaction can be measured by pleasure. If she is truly enjoying what is being done to her body, and not oooing and ahhhing strictly for her male partner's arousal, and the couple has discussed this and it works for both partners, then great. Sex is about the parties involved -- no one else. But it should be a party for both parties. Otherwise, it's a mercy f**k. She's "letting" him "do" her and no self-respecting man or woman truly wants that. Ever. <br /> <br /> Every woman should be advocating for her own pleasure and orgasms. No one can "make" a woman come. Every individual is responsible for his or her own orgasm. In that pursuit, it's time to call bullshit on something else: There is no foreplay. All of sex is play and all of it is the main event. Penetration is the male equivalent of heaven. It's the female version of the waiting room. It's nice and all. But more than likely, it's not going to get the job done.<br /> <br /> I am all about taking personal responsibility for every corner of your life -- and that goes double for sexuality. Women's bodies are built to have endless numbers of orgasms. I am forever preaching the "no one can MAKE you come," "you don't GIVE a woman an orgasm," "someone else can help facilitate your orgasm, but ultimately it's yours to have" school of thought. <br /> <br /> But I'm also getting fed up with all the -- "Why women can't come" stories that just make women feel even worse, as if they are at fault or to blame for a lack of orgasm. So, I also want to be very clear here. Unless we're talking about masturbation, if you're a woman having sex with a partner and you're not having kick ass orgasms, once it's clear you're doing your part, it's time to clarify that your partner is doing his or hers, otherwise, why bother?<br /> <br /> What's your part? <br /> <br /> Be present. When you're having sex, have sex. Forget about the laundry and start thinking about how incredibly hot this moment is.<br /> <br /> Make peace with your body. Your body is ready and waiting to make you feel amazing. But you have to start by feeling amazing about it. None of us look like Karlie Kloss... not even Karlie Kloss. <br /> <br /> Turn off the clock. You don't take too long to come. You take as long as you take. And thinking about how long you take, makes you take even longer. So f**k the clock. <br /> <br /> Own your pleasure. You're not a slut for wanting to come. You're not greedy for wanting to come as much as possible. You're a human. Human's seek pleasure. Soak it in, as much as you can get.<br /> <br /> What's his part?<br /> <br /> Know that intercourse is one sex act not THE sex act.<br /> Know where the clit is and what to do with it. <br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/14/reasons-women-should-masturbate_n_6172092.html" target="_hplink">Orgasms are so good for you</a>. They help you sleep. They make you happy. They bring you closer to your partner. They alleviate pain. We don't need anyone or anyone else to have them. They are the universe's most perfect gift. Masturbate. Learn what you like. Talk to your partner. Don't worry about making him or her "feel bad." <br /> <br /> Tell your partner what works and what doesn't, what you want and what you don't. This is about you as much as it is about your partner. And you're not broken, at all. Women are not built to come from having a penis put inside them. They are built to make babies from having a penis put inside them. So enough with the procreative sex for recreation. It's not about making babies. It's about making orgasms. So tend to the clit. <a href="http://projects.huffingtonpost.com/cliteracy" target="_hplink">The clit is where it's at</a>. <br /> <br /> Orgasm equality between the sexes is a feminist issue because it's like all feminist issues -- it's about women catching up to men in order to gain equality. For most hetero couples, sex ends when the man comes. That's crazy. Just crazy. Why would any women sign up for that? Women are not vessels for male pleasure. They are not masturbation sleeves. Either both partners come or ain't nobody coming as far as I'm concerned.<br /> <br /> You don't need a pill. You deserve to be having orgasms. It's really as simple as that.<br /> <br /> No O. No go.<br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Wow-Discovering-Your-Ultimate-Orgasm/dp/1627781463" target="_hplink"><em>Jenny Block's book, O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm, is out on August 11.</em></a><br /> <br /> <iframe class="js-hplive-frame" width="570" height="381" frameborder="0" ></iframe><script type="text/javascript">(function(){var src_url="http://embed.live.huffingtonpost.com/HPLEmbedPlayer/?segmentId=55bb8ddb2b8c2ad40e0004e3&sid=577&showPlaylist=true&autoPlay=false&hpl_host="+window.location.hostname+"&hpl_ref="+document.referrer+"&#38;onVideoDataLoaded=HPTrack.Vid.DL&#38;onTimeUpdate=HPTrack.Vid.TC";if (typeof(commercial_video) == "object") {src_url += "&#38;siteSection="+commercial_video.site_and_category;if (commercial_video.package) {src_url += "&#38;sponsorship="+commercial_video.package;}}var iframe = document.querySelector(".js-hplive-frame");iframe.src = src_url;iframe.className="";})();</script> <br /> <br /> <strong>Also On HuffPost:</strong><br /> <HH--236SLIDEEXPAND--429930--HH> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566411872/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4899e3aa/sc/19/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 14:01:58 GMTJenny Blockhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-block/heres-what-happens-when-women-demand-orgasms_b_7889094.html7 Mistakes You're Probably Making On Your Online Dating Profilehttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C30A0C70Emistakes0Eyoure0Eprobably0Emaking0Eon0Eyour0Eonline0Edating0Eprofile0In0I790A83880Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p>Having no luck getting a decent guy or woman to message you on online dating sites? We hate to say it, but it may be because the profile you've created is unremarkable. (Hey, you've been in a relationship for years -- possibly even <em>decades;&#160;</em>there was no need to master the art of the perfect Match.com profile.)&#160;</p><br /> <p>To help you land a date, we asked a handful of dating experts and coaches to weigh in with the most common mistakes they see&#160;divorc&#233;es making in their profiles.&#160;</p><br /> <p>Read what they had to say&#160;-- and their advice on how to write a better profile -- below:&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>1. Your profile picture is less than flattering.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>Online daters wade through hundreds and hundreds profiles to find one person worth meeting for coffee. <em>Of course</em> they're making snap judgments about you based solely on your profile photo. That grainy, low-res photo you uploaded from Facebook isn't doing you any favors --&#160;and don't even think about posting a pic from five years ago.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Every photo sends a message," said <a href="http://datesandmates.com/bio/" target="_blank">dating and relationship expert Damona Hoffman</a>. "Don't think you need to post a photo from back in the day that's overly sexy to get a date. With clever cropping and your best angle, you can direct people's eyes to exactly what you want them to notice about you."&#160;</p><br /> <p>To get casual, totally flattering profile photos, Jeffrey Platts -- <a href="http://www.jeffreyplatts.com/" target="_blank">a dating expert and men's coach </a>based in L.A. -- recommends having a friend snap photos of you any time you're feeling "sexy, confident and well-dressed" while hanging out.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"It just takes 30 seconds and you'll be adding to your collection of great photos to choose from," he said.&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>2. &#160;You're boring people to tears in your "about me" section.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><div style="left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 0px; position: relative; padding-bottom: 50.3449%;"><iframe src="https://giphy.com/embed/W6ITtoE8deklW/twitter/iframe" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="true" webkitallowfullscreen="true" mozallowfullscreen="true" style="top: 0px; left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;"></iframe></div></div></div><br /> <p>Your front-facing, model status profile pic may be what draws people in, but a compelling "about me" section that shows off your personality is what will land you a date. Describing yourself as a "laid-back guy who loves the beach and getting drinks" is the meh-est of meh descriptions.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"That pretty much describes 99 percent of singles," said Platts. "If I tell you I'm going to buy you any smartphone you want, you wouldn't just say 'Thanks, just get me one that makes calls and can surf the web.' No, you'd tell me get the a 64GB iPhone 6 Plus in white. You want someone to want you because of <em>you</em>, not simply because you're a warm-bodied male or female."&#160;</p><br /> <p>To spice up your profile, Platts suggests injecting some humor and personality into it: "Then people who share similar values, interests and lifestyles will gravitate toward you."&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>3. Mentioning your ex -- or any other failed relationships.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>This should go without saying: Don't bring up your ex or other low-points in your romantic history. Divorce may have taught you what you categorically<em> don't</em> want in a new partner, but don't waste valuable space in your profile listing out negative traits you don't want in your life. &#160;Surprisingly, it's something Laurie Davis, <a href="http://www.eflirtexpert.com/" target="_blank">founder of online dating concierge service eFlirt,</a>&#160;said she sees all the time while doctoring the dating profiles of divorc&#233;es.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"It sets a negative tone for your profile -- <em>not</em> the most attractive quality to lead with!" she said, "It's best to keep your last relationship, and all the baggage that came with it, <em>out</em> of your first impression."&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>4. Your word count is out of control.&#160;</strong>&#160;</p><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><div style="left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 0px; position: relative; padding-bottom: 53.5619%;"><iframe src="https://giphy.com/embed/A7rTdPxXP9fqM/twitter/iframe" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="true" webkitallowfullscreen="true" mozallowfullscreen="true" style="top: 0px; left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;"></iframe></div></div></div><br /> <p>Adopt the Goldilocks principle when considering the length of your profile: Not too short, not too long, but just right. You want to tell a story about yourself that's intriguing but leave the whole story for the dates to come.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Say just enough in your profile to get them to want to meet in person and reveal the rest there," said Hoffman.&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>5. Your username is forgettable.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>Sorry, SexyLady432 and Soccerfan1973, but you may want to rethink that username. What you call yourself won't likely be a deal-breaker for most but it's worth taking the time to come up with something original and more grown-up than the examples above, said Platts.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Look, I know that as more and more people sign up for online dating sites, the good usernames get swapped up but there's still room for creativity and personality," he said. "Test out several variations until you come up with one that you like and is available. You can always try lumberjackyogi and crossfitqueen."&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>6. &#160;You post pics of your kids or talk endlessly about being a parent.</strong></p><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><div style="left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 0px; position: relative; padding-bottom: 40%;"><iframe src="https://giphy.com/embed/s73f39fgd6hws/twitter/iframe" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="true" webkitallowfullscreen="true" mozallowfullscreen="true" style="top: 0px; left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;"></iframe></div></div></div><br /> <p>Your kids may be adorable, Honor Roll-making angels but that doesn't mean they should be the stars of your dating profile.&#160;While it's natural to include details about your kids or life as a parent in your profile, you don't want to overdo it -- and you <em>definitely</em> don't want to include pics of the kids, Davis said.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Even if the photos with the kids are simply the most flattering, I've' found that&#160;what works best is to keep the focus on you, and you alone, in your photos," she said. "Crop out the others around you, in particular&#160;children."&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>7. &#160;You send an awkward first message.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>You now have the tools to write a profile that hits all the right marks, but remember: all the hard work you put into your profile can be upended if you send inappropriate messages to people you're interested in. A mere "hi" or "hey baby" aren't likely to go over well.</p><br /> <p>To ensure you're sending an initial message that won't offend or bore people, Platts recommends putting it through a "would I ever say this in real life?" litmus test.&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Imagine going up to someone at a bar, saying 'hi' and just standing there silently. You wouldn't, so why do the same thing virtually? And women (and men) get literally hundreds of these messages. I've yet to meet a woman who has written back to an initial one-word message."&#160;</p><br /> <p>To knock it out of the park with your first message, Platts said to "Write something that shows you actually read their profile. And the easiest way to do that is directly mention something that he or she wrote about and ask them a genuinely curious question about it."</p><br /> <p>In a sea of "hi" and "hey babys," Platts said you're sure to stand out.</p><br /> <p><strong>More from HuffPost:&#160;</strong></p><br /> <br /> <p><span style="line-height: 1.846;"><em>Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostDivorce" target="_hplink">Facebook.</a></em>&#160;</span></p> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566403025/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4894a6d6/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Fri, 31 Jul 2015 00:21:27 GMTBrittany Wonghttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/30/7-mistakes-youre-probably-making-on-your-online-dating-profile_n_7908388.html14 Universal Realities Of Life As A Married Personhttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C30A0C140Erealities0Eof0Elife0Eas0Ea0Emarried0Eperson0In0I790A81580Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<p>Every relationship is different, of course, but there are certain universal truths about married life that ring true no matter who you love or where you live.&#160;</p><br /> <p>On Thursday the hashtag <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash" target="_blank">#MarriedPeopleIssues </a>was trending on Twitter, giving spouses around the world a chance to bond over shared experiences like arguments about how to properly load a&#160;dishwasher and the nightly struggle of sleeping next to a bed hog. Read some of the most spot-on tweets below:&#160;</p><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Her sense of direction is always superior to my GPS (which uses pinpoint accurate satellite technology, btw) <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Youngman Brown (@YoungmanBrown) <a href="https://twitter.com/YoungmanBrown/status/626815245194010624">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Not realizing that &#34;Do you want some ice cream?&#34; actually means &#34;I want ice cream and I want you to get it for me.&#34; <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Hawk (@hawk2973) <a href="https://twitter.com/hawk2973/status/626812750086287360">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The shocking realization that another human being can be so wrong about how to load a dishwasher. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Anthony Giffen (@AnthonyGiffen) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnthonyGiffen/status/626762806134722560">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a>&#10;You hang up..&#10;No, you hang up...&#10;You hang up....&#10;Noooo, you hang up. They&#39;re your clothes. I&#39;m not your maid.</p>&#8212; Sean O Farrell (@sofarrsogud) <a href="https://twitter.com/sofarrsogud/status/626764143610228736">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">When your wife says &#34;I don&#39;t need anything for my birthday.&#34; <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a> <a href="http://t.co/nyH7tYLqQQ">pic.twitter.com/nyH7tYLqQQ</a></p>&#8212; Joe (@PhantomNuts) <a href="https://twitter.com/PhantomNuts/status/626765453768003586">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I was going to comment on <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a> but I won&#39;t if you don&#39;t want me to. I&#39;ll do whatever you want. Just tell me already.</p>&#8212; John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) <a href="https://twitter.com/JohnFugelsang/status/626791631249735680">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">&#34;What do you want to eat?&#34; &#34;I don&#39;t know what do you want?!&#34; &#34;Anything.&#34; &#34;Italian?&#34; &#34;Not that.&#34;(Footsteps walking away) <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Lang Parker (@langcomedy) <a href="https://twitter.com/langcomedy/status/626809884923695104">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">&#34;Let me warm up my freezing cold ice cube feet by putting them on yours while your trying to sleep&#34; <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; keith lyle (@funnykeithlyle) <a href="https://twitter.com/funnykeithlyle/status/626812495081050112">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The slow creep of her clothing across the wardrobe &#38; drawers till you only have one drawer left and she&#39;s eyeing that. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Tim Haselden (@hasmatkid) <a href="https://twitter.com/hasmatkid/status/626814390399016961">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">There is an ice cube user and an ice cube tray filler. They are never the same person. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ImTheFiller?src=hash">#ImTheFiller</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Todd W Smith (@toddwsmith_) <a href="https://twitter.com/toddwsmith_/status/626815203028570112">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I&#39;ll just share your fries <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a> <a href="http://t.co/4lcW4P3vtl">pic.twitter.com/4lcW4P3vtl</a></p>&#8212; Bill the Butcher (@NotBTB) <a href="https://twitter.com/NotBTB/status/626762728057667584">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">You have a king size bed, but it might as well be half a single for you <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; aaronsayswhat (@aaronsayswhat1) <a href="https://twitter.com/aaronsayswhat1/status/626755607832367104">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Everything they&#39;ve lost is because you&#39;ve moved it. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Judge You Harshly (@JudgeYouHarshly) <a href="https://twitter.com/JudgeYouHarshly/status/626821125226369024">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <div class="embed-asset embed" data-type="embed-asset" data-provider="Embed" data-title=""><br /> <div class="embed-code"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" align="center"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">11:30PM: &#34;Did you lock the front door?&#34; &#10;&#34;Yes&#34;&#10;&#34;Can you go make sure?&#34; &#10;<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MarriedPeopleIssues?src=hash">#MarriedPeopleIssues</a></p>&#8212; Daniel Adorno (@lucid_ghost) <a href="https://twitter.com/lucid_ghost/status/626815174616330240">July 30, 2015</a></blockquote><br /> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div></div><br /> <p><em><strong>Also on HuffPost:</strong></em></p><br /> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566403024/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4894a6d7/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 23:31:55 GMTKelsey Borresenhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/30/14-realities-of-life-as-a-married-person_n_7908158.htmlHow My House Became My Enemy: A Divorced Woman's Cautionary Talehttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4893f39f/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Cshari0Elifland0Chow0Emy0Ehouse0Ebecame0Emy0Een0Ib0I790A40A980Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htmI'm not exactly "handy" around the house. In fact, I'm the <em>opposite </em>of handy ("awkward," according to the thesaurus).<br /> <br /> So, because my husband actually seemed to enjoy the chores and responsibilities that come with home ownership, I was happy to let him handle it all. I now realize this was neither fair nor wise, but since he never complained, I didn't make waves. I had a good thing going. Then one day, 17 years after we traded life in the Big Apple for the suburban world of little league and carpools, he left.<br /> <br /> I found myself alone in a 3-bedroom house in suburban New Jersey, surrounded by the artifacts of 30 years of a family's life. No surprise: I was ill-equipped to cope. Who would have guessed that my beloved, charming old house would turn against me so viciously?<br /> <br /> Here are a few of the factors that caused my "home sweet home" to morph into my arch enemy:<br /> <br /> <ul><li><strong>The Lawn</strong>. I had never mowed a lawn in my life. After my husband left, I dealt with the lawn by simply ignoring it. (I had other things to tend, like my broken heart). Then one day, I noticed the stark contrast between <em>my </em>front lawn (which sent the message, "A crazy recluse lives here") and the perfectly manicured lawns lining both sides of my well-kept, suburban street. I reached out to my neighbor, Julie. Would her son like to make a few bucks mowing my lawn? Sure thing. Then, one day, in an out-of-character DIY moment, I asked Julie if she would teach me how to use the lawn mower. She patiently showed me how to fill the mower with gas (eew, I had to touch gasoline?!), how to start it up, and how to empty the clippings bag. I was pretty intimidated, but I followed her expert instructions. By the time I was done, I felt like I'd spent 3 hours on the stair master. But I did it. I took a picture of my handiwork and proudly texted it to my son, who was probably as shocked as he was impressed. (Then I had a margarita). You wouldn't think mowing the lawn would lead to such a feeling of empowerment, but it did! Baby steps, baby steps.</li><br /> </ul><br /> <br /> <ul><li><strong>The Water Valve in the Garage</strong>. I decided to water the flowers. Easy, right? I had actually done this before (OK, not recently). I headed into the garage to turn on the water. I couldn't get the valve to turn, so I gamely ventured down to the basement in search of some kind of tool to help. It took a while, but I located the tool box. First try: a pliers. I succeeded in breaking off part of the valve handle, leaving it dangerously jagged to the touch. Second try: a wrench. Nada. Third try: a <em>really big </em>wrench. This time I managed to severely pinch the skin on the palm of my right hand. It quickly became swollen and blue, with bleeding under the skin, and incredibly painful. At this point, there was nothing to do but cry. And then cry some more. Quick fix: I filled a watering can (multiple times) at the kitchen sink. Eventually, Julie, my mentor, schooled me in valve-turning lore: "lefty/loosey, tighty righty." She seemed incredulous that this knowledge had somehow escaped me all these years. I couldn't turn on the water valve because I had been turning it the<em> wrong way</em>. Doh! </li></ul><br /> <br /> <ul><li><strong>Computer/Tech Issues</strong>. As a writer, I know how to use a computer. What I don't know is how to fix a computer. The laptop stopped networking with the desktop. The Chrome browser disappeared. The systems care icon wore a frowny face. The printer refused to print. Emboldened by my lawn conquest, I confidently Googled "how to fix a printer." I ran diagnostic tests and learned how to remove and clean the print heads with rubbing alcohol. "I'm amazing," I told myself. "I fixed the printer." (Too bad the printer wasn't similarly impressed; it persisted in printing out only blank pages). Although I had dramatically vowed to myself that I would rather die than ask my husband for help, when he emailed me to say that he would be in town to pick up his bike, I casually mentioned the printer issue. I was gratified when he couldn't fix it either. He immediately purchased a new printer and installed it. And I was grateful. (Sometimes you have to swallow your pride).</li><br /> </ul><br /> <br /> I want to be clear: for my cluelessness, I have only myself to blame. I had become unforgivably lazy over the years. My husband had been willing to handle the upkeep of the house and lawn, along with our tech devices, and I was more than willing to let him.<br /> <br /> And that's how I, a former Publicity Director for <em>Ms</em>. Magazine and a lifelong feminist, ended up helpless when her man left. Humiliating. Embarrassing. Painful. And my own damn fault.<br /> <br /> It hasn't been easy, but over time, with determination and outside assistance, I have survived (and hopefully, learned from) these and other residential assaults. (Don't even get me started about the robotic vacuum that has a personal vendetta against me). I still <em>don't </em>know a lot more than I <em>do </em>know.<br /> <br /> But I am a willing student. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566397632/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4893f39f/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4893f39f/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 21:05:49 GMTShari Liflandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/shari-lifland/how-my-house-became-my-en_b_7904098.htmlAn Open Letter to Snow White: Custody, Alimony, and Child Support for the Dwarveshttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489381b6/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Cjames0Ej0Esexton0E0Can0Eopen0Eletter0Eto0Esnow0Ewh0Ib0I78915580Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<center><a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-28-1438127775-4436930-snowwhite468919_1280.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-28-1438127775-4436930-snowwhite468919_1280.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-28-1438127775-4436930-snowwhite468919_1280-thumb.jpg" width="570" height="472" /></a></center><br /> <br /> Dear Snow White,<br /> <br /> Thank you for reaching out to me.<br /> <br /> I expect you got wind of my recent open letter to <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-j-sexton-/divorce-prenup_b_7767602.html" target="_hplink">Cinderella</a>, and that's why you got in touch. While I was sorry to hear about your marital troubles, I'm simultaneously honored to be of service to the original Disney princess (and the star of the first ever animated feature film), and of course I'm happy to assist you.<br /> <br /> (Also, many thanks for allowing me to do so in this public form of address. As you so aptly pointed out in your letter, perhaps indeed there's something in it that can be of use to others in a similar situation.)<br /> <br /> This is my understanding of the situation, Snow White: you are a cheerful, nurturing, positive woman whose extreme naivete has essentially led you down the garden path with a partner who was perhaps never set up for the domestic life you love. Beyond this, you're in an even more precarious position because you have a family of little ones to consider, that is, the dwarves.<br /> <br /> The dwarves are central here. It seems many have misunderstood your relationship with the dwarves, seeing you as a bit of a house-wench when in fact you have been for all intents and purposes their mother figure. You say this remained through the first years of your marriage to the man we'll simply refer to as The Prince, that in fact early in your marriage he was not only an excellent father to the dwarves, no easy task when some of them were twice his age, he even legally adopted them as his own children.<br /> <br /> However, as your marriage deteriorated, so apparently did The Prince's investment in your family, and now you feel you would all be better off to return to the way things were before you awoke from that fated coma to find The Prince attached to your face. In other words, you want a divorce.<br /> <br /> Now you need to ensure that if you get this divorce, you'll have the resources to continue looking after the dwarves, and to do so as the primary caregiver.<br /> <br /> Here is my advice to you, Snow White.<br /> <br /> <strong>Lesson 1: Be certain you're the more capable parent.</strong><br /> <br /> When it comes to getting custody, the primary concern of the court is going to be the best interest of the child. In short, which parent is the better parent? Your first job is to make sure that you are, in fact, the better parent.<br /> <br /> Now, Snow White, I can see with you that this is certainly the case. Your recounting of the recent occurrence of The Prince coming home drunk after two many tankards of mead and challenging Grumpy to a duel for allegedly staining his tights, which ended in fisticuffs--well, I took your hint that this wasn't the first time, and surely won't be the last. This alone suggests that it's you, rather than The Prince, who is more suited to look after the dwarves.<br /> <br /> So too does your assertion that the care of the dwarves, in particular Dopey with his special needs, fell almost entirely to you. The truth is, YOU were the one who got up every morning and sang the dwarves awake. YOU were the one who packed their lunches for work, did their laundry, and cleaned up after them as well as after The Prince. You waited and waited for your prince to come, and when he arrived, he turned out to be less of a rescuer than he was an addition to your daily chores; you have had the equivalent of seven children (or seven husbands), a position few would envy.<br /> <br /> Since you've been doing all the heavy lifting, Snow White, you need to be ready to remind the court of that, over and over.<br /> <br /> <strong>Lesson 2: Take note of your financial sacrifices.</strong><br /> <br /> It's important to understand that, by taking on the majority of the domestic duties in your home, including caring for the dwarves and The Prince, you effectively sacrificed your prime earning years, decreasing your lifetime earning capacity in a way that is unlikely to be rectified. In short, you're never going to get those years back, and as such you will have to get on the career ladder at a lower rung, later in life, if indeed you can get back on at all.<br /> <br /> You will never be able to make the income that you would have made, had you not married The Prince. As you yourself pointed out, when you met The Prince you were well on your way to earning an online Master's in Counseling, and only stopped your studies at his request that you "relax and focus on domestic duties" instead. Had you continued, at this point you would likely be financially independent. But because The Prince insisted you didn't need a profession, you gave up your earning capacity.<br /> <br /> As such, in your divorce you ought to be compensated for your sacrifice in the form of alimony, just as The Prince's practical contribution to the dwarves' welfare should be accounted for in the form of child support.<br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-28-1438127399-9873193-snowwhite354436_1280.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-28-1438127399-9873193-snowwhite354436_1280.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-28-1438127399-9873193-snowwhite354436_1280-thumb.jpg" width="570" height="409" /></a><br /> <br /> <strong>Lesson 3: Do good PR.</strong><br /> <br /> It has to be said, Snow White, that while your innocence and grace have made many fall in love with you, unfortunately these attributes have to take a back burner in the coming months. Indeed you have to develop just a pinch of the main thing you lack, that your wicked stepmother had in spades: that is chutzpah, Snow White, in common usage, which in reality usually simply means a willingness to stand up for your own interests.<br /> <br /> As I see it, Snow White, you haven't been so great at doing your own PR so far. Now it's time to buckle down and stand up for your character, and you will probably have to do this by contrasting it, in court, to the deficiencies in your partner's character. We've discussed the things you should highlight that you've done right. What about what he's done wrong? It will feel a bit vulgar, but trust me, don't be Bashful.<br /> <br /> Consider the case of Shrek. He wasn't the best father figure, as it turned out, and the messy divorce between him and Fiona was made so mostly by what came out about his parenting: everything from his lack of basic hygiene to his tendencies to disappear for days to the infamous driving around with a baby in his lap. As a result of the unpleasant coming out of these details, however, Fiona got custody of their children and rightly so.<br /> <br /> It's also worth mentioning the uncomfortable historical details around how The Prince "rescued" you from your coma, when you were fourteen and he was a ripe thirty-six. Allowed in fairytale times, this isn't going to fly as normal in the New York courts. And while we're on the subject, it's also to be considered that The Prince, back on that day, effectively came across what would have appeared to be an attractive corpse in the woods--that being you--and started making out with it. This raises another red flag, this one more related to his mental health and perhaps odd sexual habits.<br /> <br /> I'll help you be at the ready with everything you feel can and should be used, Snow White, to show who The Prince really is.<br /> <br /> <strong>Lesson 4: Be prepared to argue for limited visitation, if you so wish.</strong><br /> <br /> While I think you'll have no problem getting custody based on the above, the rights of The Prince to visit the dwarves and continue to be a part of your lives, will be the next issue to resolve.<br /> <br /> It's my guess that The Prince will argue for visitation rights. While he might not care about visiting Grumpy, but he will certainly, it sounds like to me, argue for the right to see Happy, Dopey, Bashful, etc., based on what you've said about their mostly pleasant relationship. And he is likely to get visitation, because he is a legal guardian of the dwarves at the time of your divorce.<br /> <br /> Visitation can range from short, supervised visits to weekend-long visits with the non-custodial parent; to keep this on a tight rein, you'll need to be prepared to argue against The Prince's capacity as a parent. What you want to do is keep the visitation minimal and under your control--and you can potentially allow more, when and if it suits you.<br /> <br /> <strong>Snow White, here is the bottom line, as I see it.</strong><br /> <br /> In terms of custody, you're in a great position; you're the better parent.<br /> <br /> In terms of alimony, you're also in a good position. So too for child support. With The Prince's considerable financial assets, you can hit him hard.<br /> <br /> Maybe that makes you feel guilty, but frankly, you've put up with more than your fair share of hardship. Just because you took a bite of the proverbial apple when you married the The Prince, doesn't mean you should be punished indefinitely; there must be a statute of limitations on kissing someone out of a coma, and my sense is that your debt is well paid. At this point, you shouldn't be left without adequate and deserved financial support for yourself and the dwarves.<br /> <br /> I'm ready to get you what you deserve, and trust me, it's a lot.<br /> <br /> I urge you to be ready to combine your wholesome work ethic (that has doubtless been the first inspiration for what are now literally thousands of single mothers) with a dash of your stepmother's poison ... The big lesson here, Snow White? Don't be afraid to let your chutzpah show.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> Respectfully,<br /> James J. Sexton <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566436918/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381b6/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489381b6/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 20:19:51 GMTJames J. Sextonhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-j-sexton-/an-open-letter-to-snow-wh_b_7891558.htmlEarning a PhD in Divorce Has its Benefitshttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489381bf/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ckay0Etacke0Emorse0Cearning0Ea0Ephd0Ein0Edivorce0E0Ib0I790A0A7380Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htmIt took extra time to severe the knot, not that it was tied too tightly or anything like that. It took a long while because we got a bit caught up in the legal shpegal crap, not the love that was lost. The story was over. Untangling a life takes a bit of time and a shit bucket of courage and moxie. You know when its over it Is over and then the support needed to create separate lives, bank accounts and parenting juggles must show up to assist in the remodel your of world. If it weren't for the extra navigation team, increased fees and hours invested in the Fight, I would not be so god damn divorce savvy. My Ladies in Full Tilt-LIFT Life Coaching practice is predominately ladies in transition (divorce, job changes, kids shedding the nest, etc.) due to this earned degree. I have humbly mastered the ins and outs (brown belt level) on transition. Mostly divorce, my accidental specialty.<br /> <br /> Once the ink is dry (about f-in time you will say most likely) and you have had your umpteenth cry and foot stomp, you can go about the business of re-creating a worthwhile life. I did. You can too. document your journey, it will be hilarious and tragic and wonderful. It will be exciting and broken and meaningful. You will dump stupid friends, they will dump you. You will be the most sane you have let in decades and feel absolutely insane too. You will try one nights stands and a new perfume and much more. It's all good, it is just you discovering the real you. I took up dance (sweet spot of life) and snowboarding (ouch), kite surfing (bigger ouch), karaoke (what the hell was I thinking ), and Goldie Locks dating (not so bad), just to dig out what made me feel good. I met my man (dreamy) and I met my meaningful work (is this even a real job -it's so damn fulfilling). That has made the PhD worth it.<br /> <br /> A new client, freshly single after an abusive duo decade of marriage, let it all go. The cars, the trips, the house, the title-Mrs Dr. so and so, the crap too. I asked her what she wanted, where she was wanting a LIFT. I want to be fulfilled with my daily life, I want to be interesting to myself and then I want a new career and a new man when I am ready. She is so darling in her earnest pursuit of a beautiful life. She knows a man or new work endeavor will be a distraction. She has plenty to do with getting to know what makes her soar (even if it is Jess Walters). She heeds the advice of my wise dance teacher-friend Tracy's man, Lance (Neuro specialist), 'you date to level of how you feel about yourself'. He double dined with several of my potentials and clearly he was telling me that this Jedi was not ready for love. I now realize I would have been better off not dating for a bit rather than dating the wrong bits. She already knows she may attract the wrong one in this transition chapter.<br /> <br /> This newest client decided that each day she would feel good about her choices, her goings on: her piano lesson, her paper work, her work out, her dance, her meals, her organization . She bubbles over with beauty and promise and she just simply Lifts me up. So each week she works on being and feeling fulfilled, even if it is learning how to navigate her 6 plus with the aid of an apple man or ballroom dance lessons. She is so pure in her pursuit of happiness and so damn thankful for feeling free to explore her new story options, she is contagious. She isn't certain who He will be or what the Purpose path will lead to, but she knows the bread crumbs are dropping each time she commits to her fulfillment. Her joy is her guide to both wishes.<br /> <br /> Sometimes we just must tuck into ourselves to emerge. Especially after a life altering decision like divorce. These women dedicate time to change their lives. They lift me up. Each week they have hope even with the level of uncertainty they face. Their story is being rewritten, by them. Commitment to decide what they want and what they plan to do about it becomes their religion. And they do it.<br /> <br /> I highly recommend staying married if you can exchange love and joy with your chosen person. If the partnership is in ruin and irreparable, get out. Most likely your partner is equally unhappy as well. If both parties had the courage to say "see ya later that was great while it lasted," the PhD training would cease. If you are in transition from a The End of marriage I wish you well. The system can help you if you get the right team, the team that will help you exit with grace and some love and funds in the bank still. Very rare though, hence the extended education I received. Once you are on the other side, you can create a new chapter and live happily ever after. Promise, I did it and I see proof everyday it is so very possible. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566436917/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/489381bf/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/489381bf/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 20:09:35 GMTKay Tacke Morsehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/kay-tacke-morse/earning-a-phd-in-divorce-_b_7900738.htmlSteps to Prevent Separation Triggershttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Csari0Eeckler0Ecooper0Cstatus0Equo0Ebias0Ehow0Etheor0Ib0I7897990A0Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<center><a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438202330-214980-KourtneyScottBreakUpPhoto.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-29-1438202330-214980-KourtneyScottBreakUpPhoto.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438202330-214980-KourtneyScottBreakUpPhoto-thumb.jpg" width="350" height="463" /></a></center> Some Americans look to celebrities as a lens through which to view their own lives and discuss the issues of marriage and divorce. It feels like almost weekly, America learns that yet another celebrity couple has ended their relationship. <a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2014/03/gwyneth-paltrow-chris-martin-breakup" target="_hplink">Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin</a>, <a href="http://bigstory.ap.org/article/c41ed058b7254698a9d65596c41c514e/blake-shelton-miranda-lambert-divorce-after-4-years" target="_hplink">Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton</a>, <a href="http://www.eonline.com/news/673240/kourtney-kardashian-breaks-up-with-scott-disick-she-has-to-do-what-s-best-for-the-kids" target="_hplink">Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick</a> and recently, <a href="http://www.bet.com/news/celebrities/2015/07/24/another-one-down-kelly-price-divorcing-husband-of-23-years.html" target="_hplink">Kelly Price and Jeffrey Rolle</a> have all announced their decision to divorce this past year. While many media outlets point to rumored affairs or problems with drugs/alcohol as reasons for these break-up, the answer at times lies in a basic theory of human behavior called "status-quo-bias."<br /> <br /> <center><a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438203508-6936252-Depositphotos_9392899_s2015.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-29-1438203508-6936252-Depositphotos_9392899_s2015.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438203508-6936252-Depositphotos_9392899_s2015-thumb.jpg" width="350" height="279" /></a></center><br /> <br /> Earlier this month, National Public Radio (NPR) did a <a href="http://www.npr.org/2015/07/22/425224940/the-unintended-consequences-of-a-program-designed-to-help-homeowners" target="_hplink">story</a> based on a recent research <a href="http://ssc.wisc.edu/~jmcollin/jebo_mortg.pdf" target="_hplink">study</a> by Michael Collins at the University of Wisconsin examining the unintended consequences of a Maryland mortgage program originally designed to help struggling homeowners back in 2008. State officials required the mortgage lenders they had jurisdiction over to turn over their lists of those individuals struggling with their mortgage payments, and report the plans the lenders had put into place to help them. Some of these companies, when alerted by the state to take a look at the lists they already had in their possession, took a second look to re-evaluate whether some of these homeowners were still a good bet on their investment. Unfortunately, a few of these companies decided it was more efficient for them to simply begin foreclosure proceedings than to offer the borrowers assistance in refinancing their homes. A sorry ending for those homeowners whose crisis was basically put under a spotlight by the government with good intent. <br /> <br /> Now, what does a story on the 2008 housing crisis have to do with divorce? They both rely on a theory known as the <strong>status quo bias</strong>. The mortgage lenders already had all the information they needed to make decisions about their troubled mortgage holders for many years. But it was only when the government required them to actually <strong>look closely</strong> at these lists that they were alerted to the problems these mortgages caused their company. Very often, people will find themselves in less than positive situations like marriages, jobs or even cities that are making them unhappy. But rather than taking any action steps to change their situation, they get distracted by the day-to-day activities rather than take the time needed to change their larger problem. Only when one has a major upheaval like a <strong>terminal diagnosis, an affair, a death in the family</strong>, or in this case, the government requiring lists of those in mortgage trouble, will an individual (or company) finally <strong>"wake up"</strong> and take action. <br /> <br /> <center><a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438203394-2754132-Depositphotos_10404857_s2015.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-29-1438203394-2754132-Depositphotos_10404857_s2015.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438203394-2754132-Depositphotos_10404857_s2015-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="300" /></a></center><br /> <br /> I have heard stories from clients that included a near-death experience, a parent's death, or the loss of a job that triggered a person to realize that things in their life had to change. They may have announced it explicitly by threatening divorce unless they sought couples counseling or secretly by having an affair. Couples who have been in <strong>sexless companionate marriages</strong> for several years come into treatment with me when they are forced to decide whether they'll stay together and proceed with attempts to have a baby because of a ringing biological clock or a parent who gets diagnosed with Cancer. One partner will realize that trying to survive in a small New York City apartment far away from nature or their parents is causing deep unhappiness and come in to negotiate a way for the couple to make a move to another city. <br /> <br /> <center><a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438203299-2200670-KellyPriceImage.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-29-1438203299-2200670-KellyPriceImage.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438203299-2200670-KellyPriceImage-thumb.jpg" width="350" height="206" /></a></center><br /> <br /> Upon announcing her divorce R&B Singer Kelly Price issued a <a href="http://www.bet.com/news/celebrities/2015/07/24/another-one-down-kelly-price-divorcing-husband-of-23-years.html" target="_hplink">statement</a> saying: "After the untimely death of my sister last year, it weighed on me heavily that this was something we needed to do... I ended things because I didn't want to compromise what true happiness was anymore." <br /> <br /> It's important to examine the larger fundamental problems that are affecting your own happiness or that of your relationship's happiness before a crisis causes you to wake up and shake up your life. <br /> <br /> <strong>Here are 4 tips: </strong><br /> <br /> <strong>1. Have regular meetings to talk about each partner's long-term needs and desires and work on actions that can get you closer to those goals.<br /> <br /> 2. Get professional help with the personal issues that are keeping you stuck whether they concern your family of origin issues, your job situation or where you would prefer to live.<br /> <br /> 3. Ensure that you think about five and ten year plans and discuss these with your partner.<br /> <br /> 4. Seek couples therapy if you feel dominated, unheard, emotionally or sexually lonely in your relationship so that you can begin to slowly rebuild the marriage/partnership. </strong><br /> <br /> Don't be a victim of <strong>status quo bias</strong>, it could end up saving your relationship! <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566362315/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/4892f5eb/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 17:29:53 GMTSari Eckler Cooperhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/sari-eckler-cooper/status-quo-bias-how-theor_b_7897990.html10 Common Mistakes People Make In Divorce (And How To Avoid Them)http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488cec14/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C290C10A0Ecommon0Emistakes0Epeople0Emake0Ein0Edivorce0Eand0Ehow0Eto0Eavoid0Ethem0In0I790A0A0A540Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<br /> <p>The stakes are high in a divorce. From divvying up assets to determining child custody arrangements, there's a lot on the line during the legal process -- and a<em> lot</em> of ways to&#160;screw&#160;it up.</p><br /> <p>To help you come out of your divorce with the best possible results, we asked experts of every stripe -- divorce attorneys, mediators,&#160;divorced people themselves &#160;-- to share the most crippling mistakes they've seen couples make during the divorce process and in the early stages of co-parenting. See what they had to say below.</p><br /> <br /> <p><strong>The mistake: Taking legal advice from just anyone. &#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>"Not all divorce advice should be treated equally. People mean well and believe that offering you advice on how to navigate your divorce is a way to support you. But you need to be careful and remember that not all advice is created equal. Your attorney is the best source for advice for legal issues in the same way your accountant is the best source of advice for tax issues. In the same way you'd ask your realtor to tell you the value of your marital residence, your lawyer is the best professional to speculate on how many years of alimony the judge may award you. That's not saying an attorney's advice is beyond question, but if you need a second opinion, direct your concerns to an equally qualified legal expert." -- <em><strong>James Sexton,</strong> New York City-based divorce attorney&#160;</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: Bad-mouthing the ex in front of the kids.</strong></p><br /> <p>&#8220;Putting down or in any way disrespecting your ex -- regardless how justified or tempting it may be -- creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and oftentimes depression in kids. When you put down their other parent, your children are likely to interpret it as a put-down of part of them. 'Something&#8217;s wrong with me' becomes the child&#8217;s unconscious belief. Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce -- but it is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards for your family. Don&#8217;t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks effect and harm your children.&#8221; -- <em><strong>Rosalind Sedacca</strong>, divorce and parenting mentor and the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network&#160;</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: &#160;Not speaking up.</strong></p><br /> <p>"While it&#8217;s true that surviving a divorce in one piece will change who we are, many of us go through the process making the same mistakes we made in our marriages:&#160;We allow fear or guilt to dictate the process. We are not confident enough to voice our own opinions and don't advocate for ourselves. We often want things wrapped up as soon as possible instead of as fairly as possible. Guilt over leaving can make us<em> terrible</em> negotiators. We often have the ridiculous notion that our ex will be a different, kinder or more reasonable person during the negotiation than they were during our marriage.&#160;We lose our voice. We give in. We bend. We accept. We hit a breaking point. We allow the short term ugliness to cloud what will be best for us in the long term. Remember: you are human and will make mistakes. But you are <em>enough</em> and deserve to start the next chapter of your life off right." --&#160;<em><strong>Jessica Kahan,</strong> writer at&#160;<a href="http://livingmylifeloudly.blogspot.com/">Living Life Loudly&#160;</a></em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake:&#160;Failing to plan for life&#160;<em>after</em> the divorce.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>"I get it: Divorce can be stressful, money is tight and it can be difficult to think beyond the present. But if you're going through a divorce you need to consider critical financial decisions around important issues (keeping or selling the home, taking investment assets over retirement assets, receiving alimony and child support, getting life insurance).&#160;The best way to keep a level head around your finances and demystify the numbers is to work them out on paper alongside a financial advisor who can help you create a financial plan. A financial plan will help provide clarity and guidance around your financial goals with respect to your assets, liabilities, income, and expenses. Once you understand the numbers, you can create an affordable, sustainable budget to manage your money with your future in mind." &#160;--&#160;<em><strong>Gabrielle Clemens</strong>, certified divorce financial analyst</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: Keeping the kids in the dark.</strong>&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Growing up, I wasn't stressed by my parents' oversharing details of their pain and anger. Instead, I suffered from the opposite problem: I didn't get enough information. I think my mom and dad wanted their children to believe they were being taken care of and had nothing to worry about. But I worried. I worried about their feelings. I wondered how the separation would impact my day-to-day life. I worried that my needs were a burden and as a result I stayed out of trouble and earned excellent grades in school. That, of course, reinforced my parents' belief that I was fine. But there's danger in assuming all is well simply because children don't exhibit problems.</p><br /> <p>To avoid the problem, schedule family meetings to talk about the separation. Involve both parents, if possible. Address in detail any changes that will affect the children and provide a safe space for <em>everyone</em> in the family to listen and share." &#160;-- <em><strong>Tara Eisenhard</strong>, mediator and author of The D-Word: Divorce Through a Child&#8217;s Eyes&#160;</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: Rushing into a rebound relationship.</strong></p><br /> <p>"Don't get me wrong, after a relationship ends I'm a <em>big</em> believer in grabbing a friend, putting on your favorite outfit and a big smile and going out somewhere fun and social. It is healthy to have some laughs and enjoy some innocent flirting to prove that you've still got it! But don't let your positive emotions for the moment go beyond that. Just because a woman or man satisfies a need that had long gone unmet by your spouse doesn't mean he or she is right for you. Your world has been shaken up by the divorce and you aren't thinking as clearly about your love life as you soon will be. This is your time to heal and take stock of your life. Keep your focus on becoming the best person you can be and you'll emerge a healthier, happier and more attractive you." --&#160;<em><strong>Tracey Steinberg</strong>, dating coach and author of&#160;Flirt for Fun And Meet The One: Dating Secrets From The Dateologist</em></p><br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: Failing to anticipate how long the divorce process will last.</strong></p><br /> <p>"My divorce (and ensuing child custody battle) lasted more than three years, spanned three states and cost every penny I had -- and a lot of pennies I <em>didn&#8217;</em>t have. While I suspect most divorces aren&#8217;t so contentious, the biggest mistake I see many people make is thinking it will be a relatively smooth and amicable process.</p><br /> <p>I recall talking to a guy I met at a restaurant during a brief lull in the acrimony in my divorce. He asked how far into the divorce process I was and I said three or four months. He smiled and put his hand on my shoulder and said, &#8216;You&#8217;re just at the beginning.&#8217; I shuddered, hoping he was wrong, but he then gave me a genuinely useful piece of advice. &#8216;No matter what happens,' he said. 'Take the high road.&#8217; I wasn&#8217;t sure what he meant at the time, but two years later, I understood. And I tried, usually successfully, to take the high road. I recommend you do the same.&#8221; -- <em><strong>Joe Seldner,</strong> TV producer, writer&#160;</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: Not considering an alternative to&#160;litigation.&#160;</strong></p><br /> <p>"I&#8217;ve seen even the angriest couples successfully mediate their divorce &#8211; but many couples don&#8217;t even consider it as an option. Mediation is essentially a non-adversarial process where couples meet together for several sessions with a neutral mediator to work out the terms of their divorce. As a lawyer experienced in litigation, I now only mediate because I believe the process is fairer, cheaper and quicker. And your best assets -- your kids -- are protected. When you mediate, your children see you cooperating. And you, not a judge, decide your custody arrangement." --&#160;<em><strong>Joanne Naiman</strong>, New York City-based certified divorce mediator&#160;</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: Letting your emotions get the best of you.</strong></p><br /> <p>"As a divorce coach, I have seen people get into emotional arguments with their exes over and over again. The emotional argument can be about anything: an asset that needs to be divided, a bill that needs to be paid, a change in the custody schedule, a request for documents. Then, clients will admit to me that the outcome or result of the issue is really not that big of a deal to them -- they just refuse to give in to their soon-to-be ex-partner's demands or wishes. It becomes more about the emotional process of divorce instead of the legal process. Don&#8217;t allow yourself to fall into an emotional argument. If you&#8217;re stuck in a story of pain and anger, you won&#8217;t be able to move forward." -- <em><strong>Susie Duffy,&#160;</strong>marriage and family therapist and divorce coach</em></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;<strong>The mistake: &#160;Refusing to co-parent.</strong>&#160;&#160;</p><br /> <p>"Divorce changes your marital status but not your parenting status. Being parents together goes on till death do you part in the eyes of your children. During and after the divorce process, parents put considerable thought and energy into their relationship with with their children and little thought into their evolving relationship with the other parent. In the worst case scenario, they cut each other off and expect the children to manage their parents&#8217; relationship. Then the kids have to be careful about saying anything too positive to one parent about the other and feel disloyal if they &#160;report anything stressful that happened at one house.</p><br /> <p>Here&#8217;s a concrete way to take another path: be a consciously supportive co-parent by expressing appreciation for everything your ex does for your kids -- both in front of your ex and to your children. The trick really is to see your ex-spouse through the eyes of your children." --&#160;<em><strong>William J. Doherty,&#160;</strong>professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota and director of the&#160;<a href="http://www.cehd.umn.edu/fsos/projects/mcb/">Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project</a></em></p><br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p><strong>More from HuffPost:&#160;</strong></p><br /> <br /> <p>&#160;</p><br /> <p><em>Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostDivorce" target="_hplink">Facebook</a> </em></p> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566362870/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cec14/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488cec14/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:41:32 GMTBrittany Wonghttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/29/10-common-mistakes-people-make-in-divorce-and-how-to-avoid-them_n_7900054.html15 Honest Love Notes For Couples Who Keep It Realhttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C290C150Ehonest0Elove0Enotes0Efor0Ecouples0Ewho0Ekeep0Eit0Ereal0In0I789930A80Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<p>A&#160;sincere, heartfelt love note can mean the world -- to a certain type of person. But if that kind of traditional romance makes you queasy, then we've got you covered.</p><br /> <p>Below, we've compiled 15 honest&#160;<a href="http://www.someecards.com/">Someecards</a>&#160;that say more than a Hallmark greeting card ever could.&#160;</p><br /> <br /> <p><em><strong>Also on HuffPost:</strong></em></p><br /> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566377298/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488cbc3e/sc/26/mf.gif' border='0'/>Wed, 29 Jul 2015 22:12:10 GMTKelsey Borresenhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/29/15-honest-love-notes-for-couples-who-keep-it-real_n_7899308.htmlThe Things No One Tells You About Divorcehttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488ca530/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ctuenight0Cthe0Ethings0Eno0Eone0Etells0Ey0Ib0I78960A520Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<i>For <a href="http://www.tuenight.com" target="_hplink">TueNight.com</a> by Ruthie Ackerman</i><br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438185948-764866-Screenshot2015072816.05.43.png"><img alt="2015-07-29-1438185948-764866-Screenshot2015072816.05.43.png" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438185948-764866-Screenshot2015072816.05.43-thumb.png" width="570" height="269" /></a><br /> <center>(Photo: Stocksy)</center><br /> <br /> We had just had sex. One minute, we were kissing and pressed against each other and I was in the safest place in the world. The next minute, I was lying alongside him crying and asking, "What do people do in a situation like this?" And he was saying: "Get divorced."<br /> <br /> When I met Erik, I had never been in love with anyone. I was 31, and I saw him across the room at a party. My first thought was that he looked endearing, gentle, like he would never hurt me. We talked about his art and my job as a writer, and when we had our first date on a bench in Union Square we kissed for hours and held hands. I felt like a kid, giddy with excitement that someone wanted me on their team.<br /> <br /> By the time he told me a few dates later that he didn't want children, I was already hooked. My thinking went something like this: Some people are never lucky enough to fall in love. I found an amazing man who loves me. I should be happy.<br /> <br /> Before we got married, we did the right thing. Like any overly analytical, Manhattanite preparing for the biggest decision of their lives, we went to couple's therapy. Our therapist helped us realize early on that there was no compromise when it came to children: You either have them or you don't. There's no middle ground.<br /> <br /> I was okay with that. I had always been ambivalent about having children at best -- mental illness runs in my family, and my youngest brother has a slew of disabilities that I had always been scared of passing on to my offspring. So our therapist, knowing I was on the fence about kids and that Erik was against them, whipped out a Rilke poem from "Letters to a Young Poet" and recited it, ending with the words: "Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."<br /> <br /> That night, we left the therapist's office certain that marriage was the way we could live into the answer.<br /> <br /> That was close to five years ago.<br /> <br /> <a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438186105-6079789-TN000732_720x340_F.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-29-1438186105-6079789-TN000732_720x340_F.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-29-1438186105-6079789-TN000732_720x340_F-thumb.jpg" width="570" height="269" /></a><br /> <center>The author's diagram of divorce. (Photo: Ruthie Ackerman)</center><br /> <br /> In February, Erik decided he had lived his way into the answer and it was to get divorced. That wasn't my answer. Rilke's poem never addressed what happens when two people come to two different answers.<br /> <br /> I was blindsided. We had just bought tickets to Nicaragua for June. We had planned a trip to Saugerties for our anniversary. We had spent the previous weekend with friends in Rhinebeck. If we were about to get divorced, wouldn't I have known? Wouldn't there be clues?<br /> <br /> When I imagined divorce, it was always a long drawn out battle -- like cancer. I thought it meant hating each other and fighting endlessly until you couldn't bear to stay together any longer. I couldn't have envisioned it meant loving each other with all our hearts and still not being able to make it work.<br /> <br /> Now when I look at the photos from the months (and even weeks) before our separation, I keep thinking: If I had only known what was about to happen, I wouldn't be smiling in this picture. I'm angry with myself for looking so naively happy. How could I not have seen it coming? "Talk to him!" I want to scream at my frozen smile. "Ask him if he's happy. Insist on going to therapy. Get your head out of the sand."<br /> <br /> Here are the things no one tells you about divorce: That you are going to come home and feel so eviscerated that you smell his sweaters while you cry yourself to sleep. That you are going to have an endless list of questions that never get answered and you're going to have to find a way to answer them yourself. That you are going to be haunted by the phantom life you are no longer living, and you'll keep yourself up at night wondering, "If we were still married what would we doing right now?" That you're going to feel like everything before this moment has been in your imagination and that the only thing left that proves you were ever in love is a small card he gave you with the flowers he dropped off for your birthday that said, "Love, Erik." That everyone in your life is going to tell you you'll be fine, but you certainly don't feel fine and don't think you ever will.<br /> <br /> Not too long ago, a divorced friend and I were cry-laughing over Sazerac's at a West Village bar, diving into all of the questions one faces as they go through a divorce.<br /> <br /> For instance: what to do with your wedding photo album?<br /> <br /> "We spent $5,000 to have the perfect photographer take these perfect photos, and now I don't know what to do with them," she lamented. Do you throw them away? Seal them in a box and never look at them again? Cut him out of the photo and frame the other half?<br /> <br /> What a waste, we thought as we clinked glasses.<br /> <br /> There are other questions too. What do you do on your wedding anniversary? How do you honor the day that once was so special and now just serves as a painful reminder?<br /> <br /> Or: Is it okay to still wear your wedding band? (Answer: Yes. I moved mine to my right hand. Like rings on a tree, my marriage is part of my story and, although they will no longer hold their prominent position on my left hand, my rings symbolize the wisdom I have gained over the last six months.)<br /> <br /> Having never pictured I would get married, I certainly never imagined I would get divorced. Friends would say, "Tell me what I can do to help," and I would shake my head and wonder, "What should I be asking for?" I was so lost I didn't even know how to formulate the questions.<br /> <br /> What I was looking for was a support group, a place to have these kinds of questions answered and discussed on a regular basis. A place where men and women who were newly or soon-to-be divorced could come together to talk about everything from the practical to the uncomfortable.<br /> <br /> But when I started searching for a group, I was surprised to learn that in as therapy-obsessed a city as Manhattan, it's difficult to find one. <a href="http://www.meetup.com/divorcesupport-56/"_hplink">Meetup had one</a>, but it's more of a divorced singles happy hour, which is a much-needed resource but not the one I was seeking out. The JCC has an option, but it doesn't meet regularly. Other groups have high price tags of $75-$150 for a one hour session.<br /> <br /> Then a few weeks ago, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/19/fashion/divorce-salons-workshops-coaches-help-women-navigate-their-divorces.html?_r=1"_hplink">The New York Times</a> spotlighted Elise Pettus, a "<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/19/fashion/divorce-salons-workshops-coaches-help-women-navigate-their-divorces.html?_r=0">divorce saloniste</a>," who started her own "accidental" business called <a href="http://untied.net/welcome-please-have-a-seat/"_hplink"> Untied</a> after her divorce when she, like me, couldn't find so much as a listserv to turn to.<br /> <br /> While Untied seems to have the camaraderie and community that I'm looking for, the website also makes divorce feel sanitized and packaged in a way that doesn't speak to the rawness of my experience. I'm not looking for motivational exercises and clothing swaps. I'm looking for real people connecting around their shared grief.<br /> <br /> Which is why I recently decided to launch The Breakup Club (initials TBC for To Be Continued); a place for men and women who are divorcing to ask each other questions and provide support, guidance and resources. I let my friends know I was thinking about starting a group, and I've already received a half a dozen emails from others wanting to join. There's still work to do-- finding a space and figuring out the format will be key. But just knowing that there are others out there who are going through something similar makes me feel a little less alone. And feeling less alone - whether one is married or single -- is what life is all about it, isn't it?<br /> <br /> The good thing is I have a job and a strong network of friends and family, all of which have helped me get out of bed on the days when I didn't think I could muster the energy. (Read: every day.) One friend and I started a text message thread called #onedayatatime where we text each other a daily photo of ourselves with a few words about how we're feeling or what we're doing. Most of mine from those early days say things like "sad" and "barely making it through," but the fact that I could manage to do anything at all at the time felt like a small miracle. Recently our texts have sounded more optimistic, with references to writing and yoga. There was even a breakthrough photo a few weeks ago. "I see a smile," he texted after months of sad-faced selfies. I'm looking forward to the day when a smile is a regular occurrence, not an exception.<br /> <br /> <br /> The Breakup Club is accepting new members. If you're going through a divorce and are looking for support and resources, feel free to reach out to me on Twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/ruackerman"_hplink">@ruackerman</a>, and I'll send you details when we officially launch.<br /> <br /> <i>Read more on TueNight: <br /> <ul><br /> <li><a href="http://tuenight.com/2015/07/a-list-of-42-things-in-my-40s-that-i-am-soover/"_hplink">A List of 42 Things in My 40s That I am #SoOver</a></li><br /> <li><a href="http://tuenight.com/2015/07/dumped-but-not-demolished/"_hplink">Dumped But Not Demolished</a></li><br /> <li><a href="http://tuenight.com/2015/07/how-i-cope-when-my-exes-are-everywhere/"_hplink">How I Cope When My Exes Are Everywhere</a></li><br /> </ul><br /> </i><br /> <br><br /> <br /> <strong>About TueNight:</strong><br /> <em>TueNight is a weekly online publication for women to share where they've been and explore where they want to go next. Somehow, we're grownups. <a href="http://www.tuenight.com" target="_hplink">www.tuenight.com</a></em> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566306214/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488ca530/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488ca530/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Wed, 29 Jul 2015 21:54:22 GMTTueNighthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tuenight/the-things-no-one-tells-y_b_7896052.htmlHow to Wreck Your Marriage -- Part 2http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488c100a/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ccindy0Efinch0Emsw0Elicsw0Chow0Eto0Ewreck0Eyour0Emarriag0I10Ib0I78914340Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<center><a href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-28-1438125937-6413929-sUNHAPPYWIFEsmall.jpg"><img alt="2015-07-28-1438125937-6413929-sUNHAPPYWIFEsmall.jpg" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-07-28-1438125937-6413929-sUNHAPPYWIFEsmall-thumb.jpg" width="112" height="82" /></a><br /> </center><br /> <strong>Want to Know How to Wreck Your Closest Relationship?<br /> <br /> Try This...</strong><br /> <br /> <u>Be unavailable.</u><br /> If you want to wreck your marriage, withdraw from your family and withhold yourself from these relationships. Be at home, but don't engage the people you live with. Keep them at arm's length. If you do engage with them, do as little as possible. Be just a roommate, and an inconsiderate one at that. <br /> <br /> If you regularly block out or ignore your family because of over-working, TV, cell phones, video games, computer time, hobbies, addictions and obsessions, you can kiss your marriage good-bye. Seriously! And this is an all too common problem for the tech saturated world we create and live in. We know one marriage therapist who wisely says: <strong>"The role of a parent and spouse is not only to protect and provide but to be present, to participate, and to offer partnership to your spouse and family.</strong>" Ultimately, you should save your best for those you love the most.<br /> <br /> <strong>Marriage Wrecker #2</strong><br /> <br /> <u>View and Treat Your Partner With a Spirit of Disdain.</u> <br /> This marriage wrecker is alive and active when you hear a spouse say, "I love my husband/wife, I just don't <em>like</em> them." This is what happens when negativity goes unchecked. Intimate partners on the verge of a train wreck often:<br /> <br /> <ul><li>Speak disrespectfully <em>to</em> and <em>about</em> one another</li><br /> <li>Insult each other</li><br /> <li>Make faces or roll their eyes as the other speaks</li><br /> <li>Call names </li><br /> <li>Use biting sarcasm</li><br /> <li>Physically, emotionally or sexually abuse the other (remember that neglect is also form of abuse)</li><br /> <li>Focus mostly on the negative</li></ul><br /> <br /> To make things worse, very few people outside the home know this is going on. This is called a <strong>shame-based and/or abusive relationship.</strong> Many very upstanding people are known and loved by their community and co-workers but treat their spouse and family like dirt. Want to know if you are a shame-based person? <br /> <br /> <ul><li>Do you make a point to keep up appearances so no one will know the truth about your family? </li><br /> <li>Ask yourself if you treat the neighbors, your co-workers and friends better than you treat your spouse? </li><br /> <li>Better yet, ask your spouse! </li><br /> <li>Doesn't it seem reasonable that no one should treat your husband or wife better than you do?</li></ul><br /> <br /> <strong>Want to Save Your Closest Relationship?</strong><br /> <br /> Try This...<br /> <br /> <u>Learn that <u>your</u> happiness is <u>your</u> job.</u> So many of the couples we meet truly long for happiness but inevitably they believe and speak these ten fatal words about their partner: "If only <em>they</em> would change, then <em>I</em> could be happy." <br /> <br /> Want to REALLY save your marriage and change your life? <strong>Stop putting your happiness in the hands of another person.</strong> When you believe that your happiness is based upon your partner's changing, you become a victim. Once you place your happiness and contentment outside of your own control you have assumed a powerless position. <br /> <br /> It can be very hard to accept that you can really only change yourself. However, there is a fascinating freedom that accompanies people who have <em>stopped</em> trying to change others and choose rather to just accept and enjoy the people around them and work, instead, on changing <em>themselves</em> and making choices about their life and how they want to live it. Begin to move away from expecting others to "do" the right behaviors in order for you to be happy. Here's the context, it really is possible for you to be happy even if your spouse <em>never </em>changes. <br /> <br /> However, to accept others without expecting them to change does not mean you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior. All forms of abuse, violence, illegal activity, neglect, unfaithfulness, addictions and disrespect can and should be addressed within your marriage. Seek the help of trusted friends, clergy, therapists and/or legal counsel to help you determine your next steps.<br /> <br /> Next time, in How to Wreck Your Marriage -- Part 3: If you ignore <em>this</em> essential but elusive part of yourself, you may end up wrecking your relationships. Hint: It's not what you think!<br /> <br /> This article is the second installment in a three-part series on relationships and was co-authored by clinicians Cindy Finch, LICSW and Dr. Gary Brink, D. Min <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566303314/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488c100a/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488c100a/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Wed, 29 Jul 2015 20:23:20 GMTCindy Finch, LICSWhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/cindy-finch-msw-licsw/how-to-wreck-your-marriag_1_b_7891434.html5 Tips to Tell if Your Partner's Lying to Youhttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488bc472/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Csusan0Ewinter0C50Etips0Eto0Etell0Eif0Eyour0Epartners0Elying0Eto0Eyou0Ib0I7889530A0Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htmAll humans have innate intuition. Yet no one's cornered the market on this gift better than women. We may not know why we don't believe what our partner's telling us, but something about what he's saying or how he's saying it just doesn't add up. We feel it.<br /> <br /> How far do you want to go to figure out the truth? If it's a case of presumed infidelity, you need to know. But what about the smaller things that he says (or doesn't say) that bother you? Picking your battles is a question each woman must decide for herself.<br /> <br /> There are times even the most honest person will want to alter or omit information. Telling the "whole truth" can lead to unnecessary upset and unwanted arguments. Day in and day out, we all submit to our own little white lies in order to protect someone's feelings; whether it's turning down a movie with a friend or making an excuse for something we don't want to do.<br /> <br /> Honesty is wonderful when managed with tact, diplomacy, and wisdom. Brutal honesty is often a double-edged sword. It allows for complete transparency and ideally forges a closer bond. But humans have underlying insecurities and fears that can easily alter one's best intentions when "telling all." What was intended as an honestly stated and understandable scenario can quickly turn into something harmful when shared at the wrong time or under the wrong conditions. <br /> <br /> <strong>Here's are five tips to decode your partner's lying:</strong><br /> <br /> <strong>Elaboration:</strong> Novice's use elaboration. They tell their story in great detail... like you might if you had to tell your boss why you were late. "So, why didn't you pick up the phone last night?" you might ask. You hear an elaborate story filled with unexpected events and dramatic factors. A litany of details is a dead give away that it's a lie.<br /> <br /> <strong>The eyes can't lie:</strong> Before concocting a story a liar will often shift their eyes to the left as you're viewing them (their right). It's an old-school "tell" called visual construction. Your partner's mind is in the process of creating a more preferable scenario. Conversely, when trying to remember a real life event, we shift our eyes up and to the viewer's right. Liars may choose to stare straight ahead while reciting their tale in order to stay focused on the rehearsed "facts," or avoid eye contact all together out of shame. This is why text messages and phone calls are the preferred method of lying. The eyes are cued up to involuntary reactions that are hard to hide in person.<br /> <br /> <strong>Evasion/Deflection:</strong> This tactic includes anything and everything to avoid dealing with telling you something that makes your man uncomfortable. He has to leave. He can't talk about it now. He has to make a call or he's late for an appointment. It's the adult version of running away.<br /> <br /> <strong>The Turn-around: </strong>This is a handy technique that's used to shift the blame and put you on the hot seat. Suddenly, you're the subject of questioning. He asks where you were or whom you were with, accuses or attacks you. This defensive move becomes an offensive play. By doing a turn-around, you're now the one who must defend yourself and answer questions.<br /> <br /> <strong>Omission:</strong> He answers your questions, but only in part. He says enough to satisfy you, but you sense there's more. He may admit he went out drinking with his buddies but omits the part about the strip club at the end of the night and the lap dance. Not because he did anything to harm you but because saying this will upset you and possibly start a fight.<br /> <br /> Telling the truth comes at a price. From the first time a baseball went through the neighbor's window to what happened with their dad's car, men have learned that telling the truth results in punishment. To speak honestly with you on a difficult subject is like walking through fire. If keeping you happy is his goal, this process needs to be transformed for a better outcome.<br /> <br /> So maybe the better set of questions to ask is how comfortable do you make him in telling you the truth? If you want your partner to feel safe to tell you the truth, you have to set a template for this new reality. You'd need to listen. You'd have to reserve your judgment and just let him speak. <br /> <br /> Short of sleeping with your best friend, most men lie to keep the peace in a relationship. Let him talk, and try to hear what he's saying. You might not like what you hear but you'll have set the stage for honest communication. And, you'll have valuable information from which to make an informed decision.<br /> <br /> The more men fear our response, the less truth they'll tell us. The more men feel they can tell us the truth without dramatic fights and verbal abuse, the safer they'll feel to tell us the truth when asked. You can't work on fixing a problem if you don't know what's going on. The truth will give you the information you need to make a true assessment of the situation and your subsequent actions. <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566330990/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc472/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488bc472/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Wed, 29 Jul 2015 19:51:33 GMTSusan Winterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-winter/5-tips-to-tell-if-your-partners-lying-to-you_b_7889530.htmlHow to Wreck Your Marriage -- Part 1http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488bc473/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ccindy0Efinch0Emsw0Elicsw0Chow0Eto0Ewreck0Eyour0Emarriage0E0E0E0Epart0E10Ib0I7890A1480Bhtml0Dutm0Ihp0Iref0Fdivorce0Gir0FDivorce/story01.htm<strong>Want to know how to wreck your closest relationship? <br /> <br /> Try this...</strong><br /> <br /> <u>Don't grow up emotionally.</u><br /> <br /> If you're not going to grow up, you will wreck your closest, most intimate relationships including your marriage. It's a guarantee. In professional couple's counseling, when one partner says, "I feel like I have an extra child because I am married to this person," it's likely that the other partner has failed to grow up emotionally. You'd be surprised to know how many highly successful adults in the business and professional world are emotional infants. Emotionally immature people<br /> <br /> <ul><li>look for others to take care of them,</li><br /> <li>take disagreements personally,</li><br /> <li>are only happy when things go their way and</li><br /> <li>quickly unravel when disappointment, stress or tragedy enter the picture.</li></ul><br /> <br /> When emotionally immature people don't get their way they often<br /> <br /> <ul><li>complain,</li><br /> <li>withdraw,</li><br /> <li>manipulate,</li><br /> <li>drag their feet,</li><br /> <li>become sarcastic,</li><br /> <li>keep score and take revenge</li></ul><br /> <br /> <u>Be a critical, fault-finding person.</u><br /> <br /> In order to thoroughly wreck your marriage relationship or intimate partnership, be someone who looks at their own faults through a telescope but everyone else's with a microscope. Critical people focus on the failures of others, are self-righteous and highly defensive when criticized themselves. Criticism is so destructive to a couple. It focuses on blame, accusation and personal attacks on the other person. <br /> <br /> Critical people are tough to be connected to because they have a huge need to maintain control -- they need things to be their way. Fault finders may be able to stutter an occasional "I'm sorry" to their marriage partner, but they find it difficult to take the next essential step and actually yield their rights to another by asking forgiveness for their actions. For the person on the receiving end, life with a critical, fault-finding person can be overwhelming. <br /> <br /> <strong>Want to save your relationship? </strong><br /> <br /> <strong>Try this...</strong><br /> <br /> <u>Grow up already!</u><br /> <br /> Emotionally mature people can love others without expecting them to change. They don't expect anyone to be perfect in meeting their needs and when under stress they don't fall into a victim mentality or the blame game. These folks are a pleasure to be around. <br /> <br /> <ul><li>They respect and love others without becoming critical and judgmental.</li><br /> <li>They are convinced that they are lovable and they have nothing to prove. </li><br /> <li>These people have made peace with their past.</li><br /> <li>They have the ability to place the needs of others on a stage and can shine a spotlight on someone else without feeling personally threatened or ignored. </li></ul><br /> <br /> When you mature emotionally, you stop being competitive with your spouse and start instead to collaborate for the greater good. You also learn to put your mate first and lift them up to be who they were meant to be. In the truest sense, you become your partner's biggest fan. Fundamentally, to grow up means you become "good medicine" to other people.<br /> <br /> <u>Learn how to forgive.</u><br /> <br /> Bitterness is not your friend if you want to help your marriage. Many relationships have been saved when one or both of the partners decide to stop keeping a list of wrongs against the other. They have come to understand what Loren Fischer meant when he said, "The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals." <br /> <br /> Forgiveness is contextual and is really about being good to yourself and not allowing another person's actions to control your life or your thoughts. Choosing to forgive means YOU get to lay your head on rose petals. Now let me tell you what forgiveness is not:<br /> <br /> <ul><li>Forgiveness is not forgetting.</li><br /> <li>Forgiveness is not condoning.</li><br /> <li>Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.</li></ul><br /> <br /> People who refuse to forgive like to hold on to grudges; it helps them to feel superior to others. Incessantly superior people are really tough to be married to. If you want to save your relationship, learn how to let go of the thorns.<br /> <br /> In Part 2, learn how to quickly ruin your relationship just by being this. Hint: It's an all-too common problem in modern relationships.<br /> <br /> <em>by Cindy Finch, LICSW with Gary Brink, D.Min.</em> <p>-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our <a href='http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terms.html/'>terms.</a> It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.</p><br clear='all'/><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img" border="0"/></a><br/><br/><a href="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/a2.htm"><img src="http://da.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/a2.img" border="0"/></a><br/><a href="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/ach.htm"><img src="http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/ach.img" border="0"/></a><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/a2t.img" border="0"/><img width="1" height="1" src="http://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/234566330989/u/0/f/677058/c/35496/s/488bc473/sc/14/a2t2.img" border="0"/><img width='1' height='1' src='http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677058/s/488bc473/sc/14/mf.gif' border='0'/>Wed, 29 Jul 2015 19:49:09 GMTCindy Finch, LICSWhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/cindy-finch-msw-licsw/how-to-wreck-your-marriage----part-1_b_7890148.html