Humor

The Nine Manliest Game Titles of 2009

The recent release of Double Fine's Brutal Legend (the manliest videogame title in all of history) proves that the gaming industry still wears the pants in the relationship between our eyes and our televisions, but that's not to neglect that the year 2009 has been gloriously rife with manly videogame titles. Here are nine of them.

This title sounds like the product of an affluent collegiate cult and an untamable space demon stuffing a car with the fiery skulls of saints and driving it into a mountain together. These beasts come from a world so cold, it needs five suns to warm the revolting tundra -- yet even these suns dare not bless the land with enough light to tell what day of the week is actually Saturday.

It is from the blood of the beast that men imbibe their virility. The meat of four-legged carcasses grind and thrash against our incisors, feeding our souls so that we may rise another day to conquer civilizations and mow the lawn and stuff. Beneath a lambent lunar crest we dine upon a procession of zoological specimens, their burgundy plasma dripping from our jowls. Also, balloons are apparently involved.

If "Walk it Off" and "Hug it Out, Bitch" had a kid, "Walk it Out" would beat the hell out of it and steal its Pokedex in broad daylight. As suggested, "Walk it Out" is a duel between two warriors, who approach each other at a dangerously stable conversational pace before embracing with knives and archaic weaponry. It's like a game of chicken where the soil is made from the bodies of actual chickens -- and everyone involved dies. Twice.

When your subordinate brain hears the words "awesome sequel," you probably immediately think of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" and "Legally Blonde 2," because your girlfriend keeps your testicles in her purse. Luckily, some of us still maintain enough of our own manhood to band together and create the sequel to the most important legal charter of all time. The Magna Carta (also known as the Constitution's pimp) was basically written to let King John of England know how much of Robin Hood's ass he was allowed to kick. It was a document so manly that it took 794 years worth of manning up for the otherwise unmanly-sounding developer Softmax to create a sequel.

What do you wash your hands in? Water? Put away your Powerpuff Girls t-shirt: Ten million little lady lambs died so we could afford the luxury of traveling to Scandinavia to bathe in a 1,000,000-gallon concrete bowl of blood. The average man can only survive for an hour inside it, so make sure you're no average man, and buy yourself an all-day pass to this bloodbath. The alternative is horrifying: going to a tea garden to lick a flower's butthole as they brush your teeth with a mint leaf while Yanni's entire discography loops in the background.

A long time ago, during the times of druids and gypsies, a secret and highly ancient alliance dedicated to worshiping a large stick they nicknamed "Women's Murder Club" was formed. At first, the club was simple. But over the years, traveling nomads and soothsayers slowly adorned it with notches of decadence until it reached an underground museum in an unknown location in mainland China. The club has been all but forgotten, although it's rumored that the richest 0.00001% of men in America ship it back and forth to each other to be used as a sexual torture device on lavish business excursions and passionate domestic affairs.

Basically a horde of zombies made of circulating pillars of wind, Tornado Outbreak is the deadliest name on the list. Successfully surviving the titular outbreak means you might as well have your name etched on the part of Mount Rushmore where the Presidents' balls should be.

Screaming like a little kid will get you nowhere, but giving a big "f you" to gravity is how America founded space. Or maybe all 25 of those As stand for "Awesome Action Artillery Army Ambushes Ancient Arch Around Affluent Angry Arbor Addicted Asshats and Apocalypse Arrives After an Amphibious Ape Arm Attack Alters Alcoholics Anonymous," which is basically the manliest sentence ever arranged.

While the conquest to rid the earth of all its useless topiary is no task to be taken lightly, the only way real men know how to truly "play" is with sharpened axes and hats made from beaver parts. "Go Play Lumberjacks" can be used in a plethora of manly scenarios such as "Why don't you guys go play lumberjacks and axe those girls for their phone numbers?" or "Do me a favor and go play lumberjacks in the woods so I can drive my tank there without bumping into anything."