Relationships, Career, Weird Tangents… so basically Everything

I WASN’T wrong about her after all (aka How Do You Not Respond to Hostility with Hostility?) (Aka I’m Done Making the Peace) A gf story

So Mona and I had another fight. Two night’s ago. Shocker. She called to speak her mind because she just had to get something off her chest. That night. She knew I’ve been working all night all week. But it couldn’t wait.

Wait for what, Rex?

To tell me that something has been off all week (a HA! I knee it!) and she’s upset that my attitude towards progressing my career is wrong. That I’m not taking the bull by the horns. That we can’t progress until I show her that I’m a consistent go getter and that I go get the next step of my career, make more money, get my shit together.

She actually used those words.

Mona’s not completely off. I’m at my current job almost a year and I dragged my feet updating my resume and was slow to start sending our resumes. I hate the job search.

Sure I have fantastic reasons: I’ve been working late at the day job consistently during the week for the past month. Then it’s taking me forever to upload pictures from my photo job, so mote stuff to do at night. Then there’s seeing her. Then there’s taking pictures. Then there’s trying to have a non gf/ work life.

Truth be told, even though I’ve been getting overwhelmed, I could have squeezed (squoze?) a few hours here or there you get my resume done and apply to a few jobs.

And she came down on me hard for it.

Now, there once was a time that I’d try to be calm and own up to my transgressions because I wanted the fight with her to end.

But those days are LONG GONE.

I don’t know about you but when someone comes at me, or it seems like they are, I get into defensive mode.

Then OFFENSIVE mode. I even called her selfish. I can’t recall everything I said. It went everywhere. She said I midled her with how I spent money when we first met even though I was unemployed, then barely freelancing.

Then I told her I should never have dated het in the first place but when a woman reaches out to me, I can’t turn that down. Also, when she finally found out my money situation, incurring debt and burning through savings, she should have broken up with me. Her argument against it was that we’d already been together a year.

So… frickin… what? Did she really love me that much? Is the sex that good? Did she not want to start over?

Truth be told, I got emotional and I shouldn’t have. My career amd financial situations are points of shame, embarrassment and anger for me. And she wants me to let her into my upsets about myself, not be Mr Everything Is Fine.

So I did.

Kinda felt strange to tell her I had all those emotions towards myself about money and career, an it really spiralled out of control with self -loathing and nervousness. Truth be told, I don’t see why a woman would stay with someone after hearing all that.

But I was also angry with HER for being selfish for not waiting, because she had no concerns for what I’m going through, really, that it’s all about her. And I didn’t see US continuing as a couple after this conversation and told her it was OVER. I said it four times! Loudly. Angrily.

(PS it’s not over.)

The day after we texted all day that everything was ok and relationships are hard work and do I want to do the work and blah blah blah. We calmed down and I wanted to talk to her at night to talk before she went on vacation. And it went well…

Until we started going over the previous night’s fight. Ugh. Bad idea.

I’ll spare you the details, but she went to bed angry. Which I actually enjoyed.

The next morning I tried to start off with a pleasant good morning text (which in retrospect was kind of a dick move since she went to bed angry) but she wasn’t having it. Ugh. You know what, Mona? Have a good flight. Text me when you land.

That was at 9am. I got no replies and at 11am I texted her that I have an interview next week. Yay!

Nothing. She’d busy getting the kids to the airport AND she’s angry. And I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if she was angry.

So at lunch she texted that I was shitty because I didn’t ask her for het flight number to track it. Ugh. GFY! She does that because she’s a nervous wreck. I’m not. But honestly, I didn’t know when hervflight was specifically leaving and as a bf I really should. I owned that.

Didn’t make a difference. She’s getting angry at me for anything I do now.

Now, you’d think that because she’s going on a cruise that it could be a communication vacation as well, something I’d certainly welcome.

But NOOOOOOOO, it’s 2017. She’s getting a data package on her cruise.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU…..

Well, going to bed she was flirty. Which is a good sign. Still no exclamation points in her good night texts.

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22 comments

She is constantly judging you and finding fault with you and I think this relationship has run its course. She’s trying to change you to fit her mold. And that will just build resentment overtime if it hasn’t already. Life is too short for all these disagreements. Good luck.

I question why you feel the need to stick it out with someone who makes it a point to emasculate you continuously, quite frankly. She keeps telling you, subtly and bluntly, that you are not enough for her. Why bother?

We all need to make more money. But the fact of the matter is that, in terms of a “relationship gripe,” that is not something that is going to have an easy, immediate, or clear solution. It’s a little more complicated and involved to try to “make more money” than it is, to say, take out the trash more or something along those lines.

Let’s see. You’re a grown up. She is a grown up. You’re not married to her. Precisely WHY are you still in this relationship? Why are you allowing this person to trample you? You enjoy being a doormat? If so, carry on. Making her responsible for motivating you is just as bad as her constantly belittling you. She’s not your mommy. By depending on her to ‘push’ you, maybe that’s what you’ve turned her into… and she knows it, and hates it.
When someone tries to change YOU (trust me, I have learned from hard, bitter experience) it’s because they don’t want to change themselves. They are perfectly happy with who they are EXCEPT for who YOU are. Do you need a therapist? Maybe so. Is she right that you need to get your ass in gear and get moving? Possibly. But if you’re not ready to do it for yourself, you aren’t accomplishing a thing. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is tell your cock you’re on sabbatical for a while, (you won’t die. I promise). Tell Mona thank you very much and good bye. Stay solo for a while until you figure out who you are and what you want out of life.

Y’know, Rex…I might be wrong here, but did I read in one of your posts that she has kids? Please say they aren’t yours..please. Now I know some folks will hammer me for this, but but I”ve seen it happen sometimes. I’ve seen women who will pick up with anyone who isn’t a stalker/psychopath/murderer/gangster et all..someone who is basically a nice guy but isn’t a cross between Bill Gates and George CLooney, but who meets all the basic requirements. They take up with him solely for the money he makes. Basically, you become Daddy without all the semen. If’ you’ve been together for a year and you still haven’t killed the kids, obviously you’ve passed in some way…but now you’re not making up for lost time. Not making enough money. I’ve seen it. I know women who will do that…bloodless, cold hearted women who are doing it for the kids. Who shouldn’t have had kids in the first place, but now that she’s got them, she needs A Male to pay for them, if the father won’t do it, you will do.
I knew one woman who was a closeted lesbian, wanted a child, but didn’t want to have a relationship. She very coldly put forth her requirements: no marriage desired, she merely wanted his semen. He had to be white, had to have a four year college degree, had to be fully employed, no criminal record, at least six feet tall, preferably blond or red haired and with blue or green eyes. Oh yes. She was as cold as if she were picking out a stallion for her mare. I couldn’t stand it. I told her women like her give women like me a bad name.

By the way, I don’t mean to slam lesbians, closeted or otherwise. I’m straight, and my husband is most definitely not rich, nor tall, nor what some would call handsome, but I love him with every beat of my heart. Nor am I beautiful, or rich, or even socially adept. He chose me for my heart, and I did the same with him. The kind of woman you need, Rex, is the one who loves you for who you are, not what.

Relationships have their highs and lows. Your lows get lower. She keeps hitting below the belt. She’s got to chill out with that and encourage you, not berate you. I think Mona’s personal/at home life affects how she treats you. Be wary of a person just recently out of her marriage… they carry lots of wounds and emotional baggage. (I know I’m one, lol, but I think I’m different! Lol!) Anyway, you’re no one’s punching bag. You might need your ears tugged a bit but not the way this is being delivered.

Rex. It doesn’t matter how good the good is. If the bad is BAD, it outweighs the good. Only you can determine that. You see it from all sides. I don’t like her attacks on your self esteem and worth. It just seems like it’s done in a bratty and hurtful way. Mona has some growing up to do.

What Divorce With Me said, ditto. Leaving a relationship is going to leave you with bleeding wounds. THat’s how it goes…we let down our defenses in a relationship, and when the other person takes advantage of that, it’s wrong. Relationships don’t mean we both get to carry around our sharpened spears, waiting for an opportunity to stick it in the other.

In a way, you have an advantage in that you are single and and contemplating leaving a relationship. It’s a lot easier…not so much legalbeagle stuff to do. But it does leave pain.
And bitterness. And self questioning, and wondering, am I smart enough to find the right one next time around? ? Do I dare? I told my present husband (when we were dating) “Beware:: I have more baggage than a Samsonite factory”. He married me anyway..:-)

THe bad DOES outweigh the bad. Tolstoy started out one of his books with : “Every happy family is happy in the same way. Every unhappy family is unhappy in it’s own way.” If you have to really dig to find reasons to stay with Mona, that right there is reason enough to not. Don’t make the mistake I did, thinking we’ve been married for over 20 years… yeah, 20 years of my life wasted in tears, heartache and abuse. But it’s something I can’t get back, and so now I have a GOOD man, a GOOD life, and okay, I’ve learned something.
That being: wounds heal. Your heart grows back. It does. Sadder, Wiser, but it does grow back.