Good friend and fellow Conrad fan Spankminister joins us for the explosive finale of Revenge season one and we sure do need the extra pair of hands because plot-wise an astounding number of things happen in this episode. Emily saves Nolan from being murdered by the White Haired Man With Piercing Eyes (WHMWPE) with the help of one of the dozen lock picks she has stowed in her hair, sewn into her clothes, and grafted onto her skeleton. Once Nolan trots off to safety Emily challenges the WHMWPE to a duel in his -thoughtfully appointed- minimalist-murder-basement. There are a lot of clothes happening in the finale too, starting with almost-murdered and almost-murderer attire - respectively: Nolan’s tastefully bloodied tee opposite Emily’s rigorously casual ninja suit. Since nolan is only almost murdered we get to see him looking awesome and celebrating with 9am champagne wearing this:

Danny breaks off the engagement because Emily kissed a boy and the break up creates the perfect opening for Victoria to deliver her sickest burn yet as the long-anticipated engagement present is finally unwrapped. Emily wastes her chance with Jack because she's a WASP and Amanda comes back looking so pregnant she's about to go into labor right there in the Stow Away. Look, a lot happens in this episode just watch it, if nothing else then for the ending montage where Victoria boards the plane. Coincidentally, Conrad has to blow up another plane, and this plane isn’t even full of lame poor people, but instead is transporting the only two women he loves. Poor Connie, he does have a feeling occasionally :( I'm tongue tied over my complicated feelings about Victoria and cant get over her simple but effective use of the all black/all white sartorial metaphor also seen in Psycho. We end with all making a wish that instead of GoT blowing up, Revenge does. Alas the ship has sailed for Westeros, and Jack can’t bring it back to port despite his extant(?) sailing skills. If only we had catchy phrases! Like "An Armalarm always pays her debts" or “Victoria is coming" or “Amandas do not sow." Hm maybe give Victoria some dragons next season and the people will rally?

In this episode we learn of grief and all its stages, like Rage, Frenzy, Crossing Stuff Out with Red Sharpies, “The Barkening,” and finally, Yelling at Nolan. We flesh out the truth of Methusapup and learn the true power of Sammy, eternity dog and Our Savior. Victoria pulls out some Death Note-level intuition about where secret evidence may be hidden and--oh yes, that's right--we’re talking about the de Kooning again. Emily tries to track down the White-Haired Man (WHM) and Nolan tries to keep Emily from making a Life Altering Mistake (LAM). Aunt Carol comes back to remind Emily her parents are dead, allowing Nolan to deploy his brilliant Super Secret Mustache Plan, wherein he buys a cable guy an island in order to assume the role of Burt, cable fixer and general screw-driver-having guy. I get a little too excited about what stats Victoria would have if she were a Pathfinder character and Dave humors me, mostly. Oh and also: penis cages; we’re sorry. WILL EMILY KILL A PERSON? Will Victoria stab Lydia with a letter opener?Will Charlocta’s parent trap work? Will Conrad ever have lips? What the fuck is on Lydia’s feet?? All these mysteries and more, explored on this week's Revengecast: Eternal Runtime and My First BDSM Edition(tm)!