No, they really don’t. In fact, I’ve always had the firm belief that the number of friends you have on your horribly designed profile that you created using your own faeces and some instructional site your half-retarded 13-year-old cousin told you about is inversely proportional to how witty and exciting you are.

I intentionally keep my lists down to a bare minimum. It’s a theory I’ve had about people and societies, which I will explain later. I don’t add hambeasts, who have more friends than they can count to, that clearly don’t know anyone on their own lists more than the potted cactus they keep on their desk (which conveniently has a better personality than them too). I constantly get requests from people I’ve never met; it seems that they think that just because they went to the same school as me, or attended a bag-making convention, they should have the privilege of being my “virtual friend”. Don’t associate yourself with me — you are most definitely a crap.

Let me try and explain it with more clarity. If you have a vast number of people on your list, this does not reflect your popularity. If you have more than 100 friends on your social faggotry site, do yourself a favour and pierce your skull with a bullet. Please. If you’re trying to promote something, DO IT THE PROPER WAY AND PURCHASE A WEB SOLUTION. Everyone hates people like you, because you’re stupid. You only add imaginary friends to your shitty sites that no-one cares about so you can feel better about yourself due to the failures you constantly experience in your real-life. It’s a mental condition.

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The red does not represent blood. It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

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Now, you might be wondering about my number theory. I call it Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha. It states: the more people there are in a society, the stupider that society is. If you’re at least mildly intelligent, take a look around you. The post-1950s ‘baby boomer’ generation (which makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I have to call it that) effectively destroyed more human intelligence than ever before in history (well, not counting the dark ages) by producing so many stupid people. Thanks for wrecking my species you horny assholes. You bred stupid people and now the smart people are in constant agony because their non-stupidness isn’t recognised, all due to the wonders of democracy and the fallacy that quantity is greater than quality.

However, you want some proof. Luckily, this proof is extremely easy to obtain. Look at the United States. While not necessarily a bad country, it is certainly one of the dumbest; the US is so stupid they have more people starving than Australia’s entire population, which tipped the scales of ‘fattest country on earth’ — technically, Australia is the fattest country now, but that’s only because it doesn’t have millions of people in fucking poverty. They’re so stupid they don’t even have socialised healthcare. Some schools even teach creationism, which is probably the most hilariously stupid thing I’ve ever heard. They have child rapist camps (I’m going to call them that) which forcefully marry 13-year-old girls to bald 71-year-old flaccid men. Their government creates illegal wars, and, worst of all, they have Oprah Winfrey.

I could go on, but I’ll stop there because I think you get the point. What does this mean though? Think. The population of the US is something like 300 million. That is a lot of people, and according to my theory, this makes the US very stupid. There are many other countries that, likewise, are very stupid, but I’ll let you figure them out for yourself.

On the other hand, this means countries with small amounts of people are very smart. This is correct. Contrasting the US, Sweden, for example, has only about nine million people, and they’re more than likely the epitome of what hundreds of thousands of years of human development should actually be capable of. Israel, too, only has about seven million, and are the technological pioneers of the world. Although Israel also likes killing a lot of people while at the same time giving tonnes of cash to poor countries so they can build weapons, at least they actually produce something instead of just being obese. Disregarding the political issues about Israel (because they are ad hominem infinitum), without them we probably wouldn’t have mobile phones, CPUs that aren’t completely worthless, or any developments in nanotechnology.

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Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

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My knowledge and theories are infallible. When you’re at the pinnacle of ethics and logic you often have to feign stupidity in order to allow other, simpler people, to understand what you mean.