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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Saturday- I went to the mall with the intent to buy a pair of boots for fall/winter. There were several options I had found online and wanted to try out in store... but the shoe store was closed (due to a water leak- yuck!)
Instead, I did something else that I had been meaning to do for literally YEARS and just never got around to it.

That's right, kiddos. I finally got my eyebrows waxed. Luckily, my eyebrows are naturally shaped decently enough, so I just pull out the odd hair here or there, but I had not had them shaped in years (since before I met Brian- which was 6 years ago). I have plucked and waxed on my own, with varying degrees of failure, so I just buckled down and paid a nice lady with EXCELLENT eyebrows to do mine. It's sort of this thing I have. A pet peeve of an individual. Like if they have awful eyebrows I can't even look them in the face. It's my thing. The automatic "never in your life" sort of thing that I had when I was dating and it's a small sort of fetish I guess. I like nice eyebrows.

Brian has some unruly eyebrows, FYI. I keep trying to get him to let me at least pluck them to clean them up but he said no. Now I will have to drug him and take him in to get them waxed.live with it for the rest of my life

My eyebrows look fabulous, by the way.

Also Saturday- The Johnny Appleseed Festival happened and I wanted to go, but Brian didn't, so I went on my own to meet up with some friends. I rarely, if ever, go anywhere by myself so it was quite a challenge and a task and a HUGE reward to go on my own. Yaaay me. I bought caramel corn, a pork sandwich, and a huge caramel apple. Yum yum.

Sunday- My ankle was jacked up from all the walking I did the day before, but you know what? Friends of ours had invited us to go to the Ohio Renaissance Festival and I had already purchased tickets online and they were EXPENSIVE so fuck you ankle, I am going. I wore an ankle support and proceeded to get slightly smashed at Ye Olde Pubbe and suddenly, I felt fine. I ate a giant turkey leg, watched a joust, got kidnapped by a very nice gentleman, and bought The Dark Mark as a necklace. After the 3 hour car ride home, and picking up my son from his grandparents', my ankle seized up and I couldn't walk. Fuck. Me.

Monday- I spent wearing a special boot that I keep for such situations. I was surprised my fat calf fit in it, but hey, it kept my ankle supported and stabilized and all was well in the world. We had hair appointments with Brian's cousin and I cut off all my hair. Again. It looks great, but I can't grow it out for shit. I had a qualification test for a job that I want, and I won't know til Friday what the results are so dear god I am freaking out.

Tuesday- My contacts came in! Hurray! Now I can see in HD!

Wednesday- Nothing happened today.

Friday I will find out the results of the aforementioned test and I also have another interview for a place I've really wanted to work forfuckingever so that will be awesome, though it's likely temporary/seasonal only I don't care, I'll take it thank you very much.

I'm freaking out on this jobs thing because I have posted a deadline on myself for some reason ("Successful people set goals with definitive deadlines") and the deadline happens to be my 26th birthday which is NEXTSATURDAY and I am hustling to get things done.

Hell, maybe I will go balls out and get a manicure too. I haven't had one of those since I got married, in 2009. That's right bitches. I only get manicures and face hair ripped out every half-decade, on average.

Monday, September 9, 2013

I swear tiny humans have bipolar disorder. I know bipolar is a real thing, and I know lots of people suffer from it. I also know that children, especially toddlers, haven't got the correct emotional coping mechanisms yet. Hell, some adults don't. Or if they do, it's a bottle of pills or a bottle of Jack.

I definitely had a bad day with my son the other day, but like every dark cloud there is always a silver lining. And me? I'm a glutton for punishment optimist, so I always know that tomorrow is going to be better. And tomorrow was so much better.

But Today! Was. The. Best. Is the best. It's still today.

He woke up ass early (for him, anyway,) at 7:30. We proceeded to sit on the sofa together under blankets and cuddle while we ate pop-tarts and drank milk. Well he had milk, I double fisted Dt Dew and water.

Breakfast of champions.

It's not too early for a smile

We watched cartoons for around an hour or so, then he started getting sleepy and cranky, so I asked him if he wanted to go back to bed? And he went over to the baby gate by the stairs waiting for me. I moved the gate, and away he went. He is a master of stairs already. It's kind of bittersweet. He doesn't even need my hand on the way up and most of the time on the way down. He wants to do it himself, but he knows he has to let me be in front or behind him, depending on the direction we are going.

He went down for a nap without so much as a peep and slept for 3 hours straight. It was bliss. I slept during that time :)

He woke up and wandered into my room before we went downstairs. As I got dressed, he stole my pillow.

Professional, right there.

I have gold satin sheets like a pimp.

Caught in the act.

Doesn't look even the least bit guilty.

He's all cheese, ladies. I have a feeling I will have offers of arranged marriages after these pictures hit the internet.

Then, as I was putting the pillow back in my room, he took off his diaper because he had pooped in it, and then I told him to throw it away and he did-without getting poop everywhere. Success!

Evidence.

We went downstairs (I was holding his poopy butt and took him down, that way he didn't leave a poop trail on the stair carpet) and he promptly laid down, legs up in the air. Ready for butt containment unit, Ma'am.

Color me impressed, son.

Then he brought me his sippy cup and I filled it with milk. "Say 'cup'!" I tell him. He gives me his biggest, melty-est smile ever and says confidently "BUP!" Yesssss, speak to me, my child. Let Mother absorb your sound waves and convert them into perceived language in the depths of my brain matter.

He then ate a hotdog. Bet your kids never eat hotdogs! Oh, you mean that's a staple food? Hmm. Well whatever, he ate one and he was happy about it.

Also- what is up with the Map from Dora the Explorer? Why does he take the most bassackwards way of getting somewhere? And why does he know where all the lost characters are? Is he some kind of serial kidnapper and gets his kicks "finding" them?

I'm the grumpy old troll.

So coming up on the blog- a makeup tutorial for the moms or the time-impaired. I promise it will be better than the last one- it will have video! Yay! Audio too, if you're lucky. Also, I review some apps that I have downloaded and what I think about them.

I want to show you the second attempt of my cartoon makeup- tell me what you think.

Second attempt.

I still need to get new contacts. That's hopefully on the agenda this month. See you next time, squidies.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Saturday, my little boy was demon possessed or something. From the moment he woke up (ass crack of dawn) to the moment he begrudgingly fell asleep for the night, he did absolutely nothing but throw temper tantrums.

Examples:

1. He woke up as soon as Brian left for work this morning- which was 5:45 am. It's like he had a little Daddy Radar and that fucker went off when Brian left- and I couldn't find the off switch. Drake screamed and screamed for a good 3 hours until he passed out from sheer exhaustion- for an hour. Plenty of time, it seems, to recharge his lung batteries. What, you didn't know that toddler lungs ran on batteries? Those fuckers use Energizer. Even the Bunny looks at a screaming toddler and goes "Just let it goooo"

2. He points to the peanut butter and does his "I have to have this in my face right this moment or I will spontaneously combust" dance. This is where he tugs his hair, grabs his lower eyelids and pulls them down, and tugs his ears and stomps his feet really quick and with obvious demand, until you shove some food in his face. Anyhoo, it takes me approximately 23.5 seconds to make a sandwich- I hand it to him and he THROWS IT ON THE GROUND, then runs from the kitchen, collapsing on the floor, kicking his legs. This happens EVERY HOUR.

3 That sandwich? Yeah the dog ate it. Because it's on the floor and it's peanut butter for gods sake, and he's a vacuum cleaner. God forbid the dog eat food that the toddler leaves around or even tries to feed him, at least on this day. It was like Max had taken a giant shit all over the sandwich with how Drake reacted to it. CALM DOWN SON. I will make you another one. If you eat it.

4. Cartoons. Boy, was it a bad day to be an animated character on the TV. He flipped his lid anytime anyone sang, laughed, or repeated anything. There went Dora, Spongebob, the Bubble Guppies... hell all of Nick Jr.

5. I turned off the tv. Again, it might as well have been committing a cardinal sin.

6. I gave him milk in a sippy cup instead of his bottle- which had been nighttime/naptime only for over a month now. We regressed HARD today.

7. He didn't want me to hold him.

8. He didn't want me to put him down.

9. He took off all of his diapers. One he let his shitballs roll out onto the floor. Great.

10. Brian came home.

11. They left to go to the mall and the indoor playground.

12. He played.

Seriously, he screamed every single moment he was awake. It was a hellish day. He went to bed finally around 7:30 pm so hopefully he sleeps until his normal wake up time of around 9.

I needed so much alcohol. I could have drank an entire liquor store after this day. Luckily for my liver, I settled on a 2 liter of Diet Mountain Dew. And yes, I drank the whole thing. Most of it straight out of the bottle. Judge all you want. This bear don't care.

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About Me

This started off as my journey as a newly wed to get my hot body back... but it's turned into my journey as a wife and a new mom, celebrating the stumbling bumbling path through parenthood and child rearing.