We do: Lubbock lesbian couple planning spring wedding in New Mexico not first to do so

Friday

Feb 28, 2014 at 3:28 PM

NATALIE GROSS

For some Texas couples, the decision of whether or not to have a destination wedding has been made for them.

They're the same people whose love lives are in the hands of the government ­- can they or can't they get married? Even with Texas' ban on gay marriage in question after a federal judge ruled it unconstitutional earlier this week, gay and lesbian couples are still facing uncertainty.

Katy Ballard and Ellen Durant got engaged on Halloween 2011 in New Orleans on a balcony overlooking Bourbon Street. The two have been together since October 2009 and said they had talked about not getting married until it was legal in their home state.

But when Ballard's dad's health worsened, that quickly led to plans of a May 24 wedding in Santa Fe, N.M.'s Hyde Memorial State Park.

"I wanted my dad at my wedding," Ballard said.

A westward trend

Ballard, 35, and Durant, 26, aren't the only ones crossing the border to get married.

Santa Fe County records show that of the 697 same-sex marriage licenses given out since the state started issuing them on Aug. 23, 125 of them have been for Texas residents.

The county issued 1,206 marriage licenses between Aug. 23 and Feb. 19, a large increase from the 484 issued between those same dates the year before.

In Lincoln County, home to the beautiful mountain getaway of Ruidoso, three same-sex marriage licenses have been issued to Texas residents.

From Lovington, N.M., Lea County Clerk Pat Chappelle said marriage license applications now use gender-neutral wording. Where the form used to say "male applicant" and "female applicant," it now reads "applicant" and "applicant."

Chappelle's office has issued 40 marriage licenses to Texas couples, including two from Lubbock, two from Seminole and nine from Midland-Odessa.

The Rev. Judy Maynard of Albuquerque's Metropolitan Community Church said she has performed four or five gay weddings for Lubbock couples and several others for people from other parts of the state.

Maynard said she's trying to make it doable for them by providing two witnesses and making arrangements with local hotels. The pastor said she can also meet couples at Albuquerque's civic plaza to perform a ceremony.

Maynard said she believes allowing gay marriage would be "monumental" for Texas.

"It really changes the whole dynamic of the state," Maynard said, reflecting on the differences she's seen in her home state since the New Mexico Supreme Court ruling in December. "It makes the state look like it celebrates diversity and is very inclusive."

Maynard said lawmakers were elected to serve the people and not their religious beliefs, and providing protection to all of their constituents is part of that.

"I say that wholeheartedly as a Christian and as a pastor."

Defending gay marriage

Maynard and other pastors who marry same-sex couples said they feel God's love is inclusive.

"In the sacred ministry of performing same-sex marriages, I've had the awesome blessing of meeting couples who have been living in a sacred covenant relationship for two, sometimes three or four decades," said the Rev. Dave Wilson Rogers, pastor of First Christian Church of the Disciples of Christ denomination in Carlsbad, N.M., who has also officiated same-sex weddings for Texas residents.

"Honestly, their relationships are stronger than many heterosexual marriages we see these days. It is an honor to pronounce God's blessing on these inspiring and truly loving relationships," Rogers said.

The Bible, where many turn to defend the idea of marriage only between a man and a woman, does not prohibit marriage among individuals of the same gender, Rogers said.

"The passages that are used to condemn and prohibit homosexuality in the Bible actually refer to situations of perverse abuse of sexuality through rape, incest, prostitution and exploitation," he said. "These are practices that have no basis in God's love and violate the covenantal nature of a shared, mutual, exclusive and loving partnership."

The Rev. Tony Thieman-Somora of the Metropolitan Community Church in Lubbock said the denomination has been performing Holy Unions, or religious commitment ceremonies, since the 1960s.

When asked if the church would perform official gay weddings if they became legal in Texas, he said, "Absolutely. ... That's not even a statement of question."

"Our church would be totally supportive and actually (it) would bring a lot of excitement here as well as to some of the other churches here too," said Thieman-Somora, who married his husband in Iowa.

The Lubbock MCC church has 102 members with an LGBT population of about 85 to 90 percent, he said.

The Rev. Kevin Young of St. John's United Methodist Church in Lubbock said in an email he believes that federal Judge Orlando Garcia made the right decision in declaring Texas' same-sex marriage ban unconstitutional.

"His ruling, along with numerous similar rulings from other federal courts, increases my hope that we are finally coming to the day when same-sex couples and the families of same-sex couples will share equally in the full protections, rights and freedoms of citizenship in our state and nation," he said.

Maynard said she believes God is love and on the side of justice.

"When two people find each other and have a love that lasts 44 years, I think that's something to celebrate - whether they're gay, straight, whatever," she said, referring to a couple she'll be marrying next month.

A decision to allow same-sex marriages in Texas could also help the state financially, Maynard said - a point Durant made during an interview at the home she shares with Ballard.

Photographers, florists, cake makers and local hotels accommodating out-of-town guests would all benefit, she said.

"We would've liked to - in a perfect world - have done it here," Ballard said of their wedding ceremony.

Ballard said she's upset that Texas won't recognize their marriage - for many reasons.

"If something happened, to have a say would be nice," Ballard said, looking at her fiancée and knocking on the coffee table in front of her. "It would be nice to know you'd have the same legal protection."

The two also thought about combining their last names but recently discovered that gay marriage is not grounds for name change in Texas.

"Being from Texas and being proud of being from Texas, I don't really get the fear," Ballard said.

Durant said it shouldn't come down to religious reasons.

"It would be just as bad to have the state tell the church, 'You have to marry gay couples,' as to have the church influencing the state's decision not to," she said.

Life as a couple

Coming out as a lesbian wasn't hard for Ballard, whose parents were supportive.

But for Durant, who was adopted from the Philippines into a Catholic family, it took some time for her mom to accept that she was marrying another woman.

Though neither has experienced a large amount of discrimination for their sexual orientation, they've heard all the stereotypes.

"There's also this need - who's the man and who's the woman?" Ballard said. "We get that a lot."

Durant said just the other day she was ironing when Ballard told her people stereotype her as the masculine one in the relationship.

But while the two do have support from friends and family, there have been looks and snide remarks from people in the community at times, they admitted.

Ballard said when she worked in retail, she watched her pronouns carefully in conversations with her customers.

She'd stick with "my fiancée" instead of referring to Durant as a "she."

"I didn't want a customer not to buy a piece of furniture because I'm lesbian," Ballard said. "It's such a dumb thing to have to worry about."

She also hates that she's self-conscious about showing affection for Durant in public.

Life as a married gay couple in Texas may not be as easy as they'd like, but for now, they're resigned to accept it.

When Durant graduates with her master's degree to become a marriage and family therapist, the two may be moving wherever Ballard can get a job as an art teacher.

They may go to New Mexico, and they've also thought about Colorado. Arizona is out of the question, Ballard said.

Before then, however, they have a wedding to plan.

natalie.gross@lubbockonline.com

• 766-2194

Follow Natalie on Twitter

@AJ_NatalieGross

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.