Marvellous Mixed Metaphors (But no Alliterations)

(There’s an old piece of advice for journalists – Don’t write about grammar or spelling because your article will contain grammatical howlers and be sprinkled with spelling errors. Fearlessly, I plunge ahead, secure in the knowledge that this is not rocket surgery).

Our language is enriched by the use of metaphors, which compare two unrelated things to bring life to a statement. William Shakespeare gave us the metaphor that “All the world’s a stage,” comparing the world to a stage. A simile is quite different as it says one thing is like another thing. If Shakespeare had wanted a simile he would have written “All the world is like a stage.”

Oh what the hey, while we’re in class, let’s toss in idioms as well. Here’s the Cambridge dictionary: an idiom is “a group of words whose meaning considered as a unit is different from the meanings of each word considered separately.” So, “Aunt Gussie kicked the bucket” does not mean there was any kicking or that a bucket was involved, it means she died. We have to learn that the words taken together mean something else – very tricky for non-English speakers to grasp.

Here endeth the first lesson from the boring grammar Nazi. Meanwhile back in the metaphor factory, The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes gives us plenty of metaphor examples:

“The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas …

“His eyes were hollows of madness …

“The road was a gypsy’s ribbon, looping the purple moor.”

Metaphors creep (there’s one) into our everyday speech. When one metaphor gets tangled (there’s another) up with a second one embarrassing hilarity follows.

Sports Metaphors

Source

Metaphorical Political Slips

Although rarely lost for words, many politicians must sometimes wish they had kept their mouths shut. Many voters wish for the same thing.

The Irish politician Sir Boyle Roche (1736-1807) will forever be remembered for a glorious interweaving of metaphors “Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat; I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky; but I’ll nip him in the bud.”

The eloquent baronet was heard to talk about “living from hand to mouth like the birds of the air.”

Sir Boyle, who was also given to malapropisms, might be said to have gone down in posterior for his outrageous mangling of thoughts.

The Procession of the Trojan Horse in Troy by Domenico Tiepolo | Source

In 1948, Britain’s Foreign Secretary, Ernest Bevan, did not like the idea of setting up a Council of Europe. Why would he? Because, as he eloquently pointed out, “When you open that Pandora’s box, you will find it full of Trojan horses.”

More recently, former U.S. Vice President Al Gore got all confused about the markings of African animals. In 1992, he said of George W. Bush, “A zebra does not change its spots.” Three years later, he told a press conference “We all know the leopard can’t change his stripes.”

In 2014, The Australian Broadcasting Corporation handed its “Mixed Metaphor of the Year award to Amanda Vanstone. The member of the Australian National Commission of Audit advised her fellow citizens to “Let’s fix our roof while the sun is shining because we’re on a course to hit the rocks and we have to fix it.”

Then, there’s Welsh Conservative Andrew Davies getting almost strangled by his verbiage “the fig-leaf they are trying to pull over people’s eyes just won’t wash.”

Mitch Benn - Mixed Metaphors - The Now Show

The King of Mixed Metaphors

Colbert once opined that “Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream.” So, herewith a salve of Mr. Colbert’s creation.

The Runaway Coach Thomas Rowlandson | Source

In October 2009, he took Pat Robertson’s metaphor-laden comment to a whole new level:

“You see, folks, we’re on a run-away stagecoach of big government being chased by the coyotes of increased deficits and heading right into an ambush … Unless the marshal of fiscal responsibility arrives on the noon train of free-market principles to drive these saloon girls of new taxes out, the pick-up truck of high premiums will get eaten by the death-panel prairie dogs …”

In a discussion about metaphors he said “Why don’t you just say what you mean instead of dressing things up in all this flowery language like the great Romantic poets – ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day’? Why don’t you say, ‘You’re hot – let’s do it’?”

Or “It was a quaint little hamburger joint surrounded by a dozen or so idling semis, their great diesel lungs belting out a deep jazz riff through the horns of their smokestacks, exhaust caps flapping rhythmically like trumpet mutes.”

And, in his famous (infamous to fans of George W. Bush) 2006 speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner he mocked the press for criticizing President Bush by saying “ ‘They’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.’ First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.’ ”

Stephen Colbert Roasts Bush at 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner

Some Gems

A collection of metaphorical salads many of them constructed by that prolific writer of quotations “Anonymous.”

“If we can hit that bull’s-eye then the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards.” Animated science fiction series Futurama

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” Soccer manager Stuart Pearce

“Moss never grows on a fish out of water.” Anonymous

“This is awfully weak tea to have to hang your hat on.” Anonymous

“It’s just ham-fisted salami-slicing by the bean counters.” Anonymous

“It does not push the envelope over the edge.” Anonymous

“We operate close to the bone by the skin of our teeth.” Anonymous

“Bananas are the elephant in the room.” Anonymous

Bonus Factoid

Jack Warner was a vice-president of soccer’s governing body FIFA when he got (metaphor alert) caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Prior to his ouster he delivered some fightin’ words: “Not even death will stop the avalanche that is coming. The die is cast. There can be no turning back. Let the chips fall where they fall.”

This statement won top prize for worst mixed metaphor of 2015 awarded by the Plain English Foundation.