Featured Attractions at Anxiety Land Theme Park

F_or the anxious and panic-prone among us, there's no need for roller coasters or thrill rides. Life's everyday horrors can be enough to make you scream! With that in mind, Anxiety Land Theme Park has designed some new harrowing attractions. Ride at your own risk!_

Regular Elevator

Enter this normal, functioning elevator . . . if you dare. Watch with terror as the metal doors creak to a close. As you ascend at a low speed, observe the inspection chart on the wall. It's written in faded pencil, so there's no way to know for certain that it's up to code! Sneak a look at the people around you. They will be your entire world if you get stuck in here and are, for some reason, never rescued. There's no way to escape Regular Elevator!! Find yourself seized with fear when you reach your floor and . . . the doors don't open right away. That's right—there's a three-second delay.

Not-Haunted Cemetery

There are no ghosts in this cemetery. It's beautiful and sun-dappled. But scattered throughout the lush grasses are terrifying reminders of life's inevitable end. Read the headstones. Do the math to find out how old each person was when he or she perished, then compare that age to your own. Consider the fact that there are bones under your feet, before moving from the grass to the paved path. You'll wish there were ghosts in Not-Haunted Cemetery!! That would at least provide you with some hope for an afterlife. But no luck, friend—all you'll find here is perspective, and you don't need any more of that.

Fairly Smooth Flight

In this virtual-reality simulation, buckle your seat belt for a fairly smooth flight from Chicago to Dallas. Just try and stay calm as the plane encounters mild turbulence. Keep a laser-tight focus on the flight attendant up front who looks sort of upset. Is it something in her personal life, or did the pilot just inform her that the plane is going down? You won't get any work done on Fairly Smooth Flight!! All you'll be capable of doing is repeatedly wiping your sweaty palms on your jeans. Isn't it spooky how, if you were to die, the last thing you ever read would be someone else's half-finished crossword puzzle in the in-flight magazine?

Long Line

Get ready for what will feel like the longest line of your life. Wait and wait. Look at your watch. It's been seven minutes and the line hasn't moved! Observe with horror as someone cuts in line, with no consequences. You'll regret not arriving earlier in Long Line!! And don't even think about going to the bathroom, or you might lose your place. What are you even waiting for? You'll have to get to the front of the line to find out.

Nighttime Party

It's Beth's birthday party, and you only sort of know her from work. Climb four spooky flights of stairs toward a one-bedroom apartment full of strangers. Scan the room looking for Beth. Where is Beth? When you get to the bar, get ready for the shock of your life: all that's left is gin. You'll force yourself to drink straight gin at Nighttime Party!! And, boy, does it burn going down. Having crept your way out to the balcony, you'll shudder upon finding find it Beth-less. Could this be . . . the wrong apartment?