Two Ways to Drink at an Office Holiday Party

Making your way through this cruel, confounding, ever-changing world is difficult. Got a question about relationships, sex, family, culture, fashion, really anything other than math? Lay it on me at askdaveholmes@gmail.com. I'm here to help you minimize the damage you will necessarily inflict on the world just by being alive.

So, what's your problem?

Dave,

It's office holiday party season, and I feel like going bananas. What's the appropriate level of drunkenness to achieve around co-workers?

-J. G., New York, NY

Traditionally, work social functions are occasions to drink cautiously. One does not want to say anything foolish around a supervisor, do anything that will get them reported to human resources, or get pregnant. I have previously voiced my support for the Glenn Frey Method of drinking, as he recommended to a young Cameron Crowe back in the '70s: Stick to beer, drink two back to back, and then have one every hour and 15 minutes after that. It will keep you loose, but in control of your words and actions. It's just good sense.

But good sense and Glenn Frey both died this year, so fuck it. We will have to pull our collective act together in 2017, but we have until the end of this god-awful year to act a fool. It is, in fact, our civic duty. This year, I say have one too many. Say things you shouldn't. Dance like everybody's watching and you couldn't care less. Achieve the kind of intimacy with your co-workers that only intoxication can engender. Really go for it.

And know this: The day after your office holiday party, if you have overindulged, your first thought is likely to be: Oh no. Oh no, I have surely made an ass of myself, I have lost whatever credibility I may once have had, and everyone at work is talking about what a mess I am. No, they are not. Everyone at work is thinking exactly what you are. Everyone is too vain and worried about their own behavior to spare half a thought about what you did. The next time you see your co-workers, they will be anxiously scanning your face for any trace of pity and concern, just as you are theirs. It is the way of the world. It is the human condition.

Next year, we must all roll up our sleeves and get serious. Next year, we will have to research our school board candidates and find volunteer opportunities and learn what a comptroller is. Next year is going to be a whole lot of hard work. Let's kick up our big, stupid heels while we still can.

Good sense and Glenn Frey both died this year, so fuck it.

Dear Dave,

Who am I supposed to tip at around this time of year, and how much? Also: why?

-Hank H., Washington, D.C.

Holiday tipping is a confusing and bewildering tradition, largely because there are no concrete rules around it. Like the Humpty Dance, no two people will do it the same.

My personal rule is simple: Anyone who brings anything to your home gets a tip. So, newspaper delivery man, yes; guy at the newsstand, no. Dog walker, yes; lady at the pet store, no. Think of it the way you do food: If a server brings it to your table, you give a gratuity; if you're grabbing it from a take-out window, you do not.

There is dissension over whether one should tip a mail carrier. I tend not to, because my local post office rotates their carriers, and I don't see any one frequently enough to make a personal connection. Also, because they are federal employees, they are forbidden from accepting cash or any gift worth over $20. UPS delivery people can accept gifts and cash, and are often much more attractive. So that one is your call.

How much you should tip depends on how much you see them. The newspaper guy isn't a huge part of your life, so $10 will do. A doorman is a person you see pretty much every day, so I'd go $50. (Of course, doorman buildings employ several different ones, so you can either give to each in accordance to how often you work with them, or just offer the whole team a larger sum of money and hope they make like the Monkees in 1987 and pool it.)

Really, I just wanted to post that picture.

You should give tips because many service industry workers' bottom lines depend on them. An extra 10 bucks isn't going to break you, but a neighborhood's worth of Hamiltons can really save someone else's Christmas. Yes, the tips add up. But so does the warm feeling, and the joy of maybe getting slightly better service all throughout the next year. Get yourself some crisp bills from the bank and get into it.

Anyone who brings anything to your home gets a tip.

Dear Dave,

My boyfriend loves Christmas music. I do not. Is there anything we can both listen to at this time of year?

-M. B., St. Louis, MO

Like you and just about anybody worth knowing, I have a complicated, fraught relationship with holiday music. It can bring me to tears, and it can throw me into a rage. For every soothing, wistful "Christmastime Is Here" from A Charlie Brown Christmas, there is that god-forsaken Dean Martin version of "Rudolph" where he calls him "Rudy, the red-beaked reindeer" and you want to jump into a wood chipper. The potential for corniness and insincerity is high, I can never shake the knowledge that any holiday album was probably recorded in August, and I do not even want to get started on Mannheim Fucking Steamroller. I lean toward humbug.

But there are exceptions. For me, the very best Christmas music rests on a foundation of melancholy, just like the holiday itself. "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues. "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders. "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis" by Tom Waits. "Christmas in a Chinese Restaurant" by Diamond Rugs. You want some dolefulness mixed in with all the forced cheer, and you can find it anywhere if you look hard enough. Even the Christmas show at your local grade school can be tinged with sadness if you consider how soon the kids will learn the truth about Santa Claus.

I'd say you and your boyfriend can meet at "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." For him, it'll be a chipper holiday trifle, but you and I know the truth: It's about a family in crisis, struggling to find a way to stay together and survive the tough times ahead. The Pretenders' version is my favorite, and it has never been more vital and relevant than right now.

Have no fear: The music in stores and Ubers will go back to normal December 26th. Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow.

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