I Like to do things right, or so I believe. Others might say, no, this is a textbook addictive personality trait. Nevertheless, my coffee has to be so strong it gives me the shivers, my drink will get me drunk, my workout will get me numb and sore, if I like a TV series, my life will stop, and I will stay up for 2 nights in a row to finish it, ice cream must give me a brain freeze, my motto is: if 1 is good then 10 should do it. Have you ever liked a t-shirt so much you bought 5 of the same exact one? If you did, you will know what I am talking about, maybe not to the extent to be rushed to the emergency room for consuming a Costco Nutella jar during a Soprano episode! Among the other effects of my “absolutely-nothing-in-moderation-attitude” are the facts that I can no longer drink tequila if my life depended on it, cotton buds are my worst enemy, I refrained from taking any medication, because I always think that I can take more to heal faster. Again, no mediocracy and no half-assing things GO BIG or GO HOME.

So, what’s up with all this tough macho talk you might ask?

Ok, here it is, I won a gift voucher for a full day pass at a renowned spa.

As it turns out, it is one the best treatment centres in the region, located at this 5 star resort on the magnificent Palm Jumeirah. Now I presume from my previous introduction, you can guess that I am not the pamper yourself kind of a guy {I think by now you have already detected my feeble attempt to hide my excitement about this treatment} but I thought to myself, what the hell! It’s for free, and I have never done this before, so I decided to fully embrace this experience. Although I am all for the “Dubaification” of things, and I love it when anything has a Dubai twist to it, as you might already know, I am a very dedicated Dubai advocate, but this was a little far from stretched out, it took crazy Dubainess to another level. I must admit, the ambiance was out of this world, extremely fancy, the staff were so polite and nice it was a bit intimidating. I was interviewed by a health specialist, she went through a 30 minute questionnaire that covered many health and psychological aspects, this is how they determine how to personalise the treatment experience, and for it to fit your specific needs, all that information was fed into a computer software that generated my programme. After which, a personal spa butler came to give me full orientation about my personal programme. As it turns out, one of the pressing issues of my wellbeing is driving, This diagnosis made me feel like I was driving a Flintstone mobile, he explained to me that my voucher does not cover the entire programme steps, as it turns out for an extra fee, I can go through the entire programme as he strongly recommended. Of course, being intimated by the Flintstone Syndrome that I have along with the Go Big or Home attitude, I paid the extra fee happily, which was a significant sum by the way. Orientations give me anxiety, because I never pay enough attention, as I am a-learn-as-you-go kinda a guy, this didn’t playout too well during my near-death experience scuba diving.At this stage my excitement to start the treatment had peaked, they kept saying treatment so much , I really started to feel sick and my body longed for this divine healing process, my expectations of this wellbeing programme were almost heavenly like, I was convinced that at some stage I will meet Zeus himself .

The Spa butler led me to something called the Laconicum, and gave me a brief history about where the name came from, and how the Romans used it, and to my sad disappointment I realised nothing was so special about my personal programme or this entire spa, they call it Laconicum I call it: a freaking HAMMAM.Then he led me to the Colour Therapy room, and explained to me that according to my profile, these colours were specifically chosen according to my personality to sooth my mood, I call it :a freaking BLACK LIGHT room.After that, he took me to another expert, who in turn gave me a brief about something called Foot Reflexology, and how the nerves in the feet affect the wellness of the entire body, so he made me walk on slippery pebbles, I call it: a freaking BAD DAY AT THE BEACH room.

After that agonizing stroll, he told me that I have to go through the Aqua Rehabilitation Maze, and according to my profile, the software chose a specific route for me, I must start through the “Jungle Rain” Gate, and then take a turn on “Rainforest Mist”, and stand in the” Morning Dew” for a bit, and finish off at “Ocean Haze” exit. I call it: a freaking LONG SHOWER room, that ends in salty water sprayed in your eyes. Not being able to see after that, he led me to something called the Polar Room, I opened my eyes to find myself in, literally, a walk-in meat fridge, they didn’t even change the door handle, it only opens from outside, it was a creepy scene from a horror movie, I was waiting for Dexter to show up and slice me into pieces.After that we went to the Eden Tranquillity Garden, and he explained to me how being one with nature will reduce my molecular vibrations and will make it in rhythm with the rest of the universe, I call it: a freaking TINY GREENHOUSE room.

And then he took me to another specialist, this freak of nature gave me a geology class about water, how the earth is 70% water, how we are 60% water, and that water erodes the Earth like no other, it can take so many shapes and forms, if it freezes it cuts through stones, and with enough pressure it can cut through steel, so here I was about to begin my Hydro therapy, I call it: freaking STRONG FOUNTAIN therapy, and then I sat in the Ocean Motion tank, I call it: freaking POOL WITH JETS tank, and then I had the Oxymoron skin treatment, which is basically hot and cold water being squirted at you, I call it : freaking WHO FLUSHED THE TOILET WHILE SHOWERING treatment. And then I started my Thermal therapy, I call it : freaking JACUZZI therapy, and finished off in the Swiss Shower, I call it : freaking HUMAN CARWASH MACHINE shower, I rested a bit in the Aerosol Therapy Room, which I call : freaking STEAM ROOM room. And of course, I was naïve enough not to know the Finish room is just a freaking SAUNA room.Balneotherapy is what this spa specialises in, which is basically bathing in all sorts of crap, so they dunked me in mud, then in hot wax, then mineral water that contained pearls that I never saw, and their optimal experience is the Cleopatra Bath, which is bathing in water with milk and honey, I felt like a corn flake. Well I guess I will be called a “flake” after admitting to taking a Cleopatra bath.

Wrapping this crazy session up, he took me to a big room where several kinds of therapy took place simultaneously at once, while they performed a Chronological Rejuvenation Therapy on my face, which I call: freaking FACIAL at YOUR BARBER therapy, and they strolled a machine next to me that performed Vibro- ultrasonic - magnetic impulse field therapy which I call: freaking KEEP THIS VIBRATOR LOOKING ROD AWAY FROM MY FACE therapy. All this rejuvenation therapy took place without feeling the slick Aromatic therapy, which I call: freaking LIGHT a CANDLE therapy and they take special pride in their Phyto Herbal therapy, which is basically a big box of all kinds of tea, and guess what? They were running low on Lipton.This experience made me realise how pretentious this entire industry is, here is what it boils down to, all these spas are just glorified Hammams in one way or another with an over kill of VICS

And while we are on the topic of pretentious glorification of activities, allow me to tell you that if you stand on one foot like a freaking pelican and argue that this is yoga, you are an idiot

And if you own this slipper which is usually 5 sizes bigger than your foot, and you wear it in public before or after any athletic exercise, please surrender yourself to the nearest loony bin.