“Why did I come to therapy? My anger. I can’t control it. I know I shouldn’t get mad. Most of the time I can keep it together, but I have a short fuse. If something sets me off, I get so mad. I yell. I break things. It’s ridiculous. I should have better restraint. My wife says it’s because I have control issues.”

This quote from a fictional client conveys a message commonly confessed in therapy. When people disclose “control issues,” they may be referring to a number of problems: perfectionism, emotional numbing, codependence, compulsivity, self-destruction, substance abuse, excessive worrying, hopelessness, eating disorders, unmanaged anger, etc. It is important to understand what drives such problematic behaviors and symptoms.

Different types of beliefs underlie “control issues,” but they often have similar themes. In general, the belief that people are unable to adequately meet the challenges they face often leads to difficulties with control. We can observe such beliefs when examining harmful self-talk that reflects an inaccurate sense of how much power people think they have in their lives. People with “control issues” might underestimate the amount of power they have over their own lives, or they may overestimate the extent to which others control them.

Learned Helplessness

Learned helplessness occurs when people experience inescapable, negative events leading them to believe they cannot control their lives. In 1967, Martin Seligman researched learned helplessness by shocking dogs. Those who received random shocks and were not given predictable ways to escape the pain eventually laid down and passively continued to receive shocks. Like these dogs, people sometimes learn that they are helpless to change painful situations and develop the belief that they have no control over the world around them. Individuals with PTSD and depression are especially prone to learned helplessness.

Overcontrol versus Undercontrol

People often respond to a loss of power by misdirecting their control efforts. These attempts to compensate for feelings of powerlessness often lead people to “overcontrol” or “undercontrol” aspects of the lives.

Overcontrolling behaviors may include perfectionism, compulsive behaviors, food restriction, extreme cleanliness, emotional numbing, self-harm, and excessive emphasis on achievement. Beliefs that underlie overcontrol often contain phrases like “I have to” or “I can’t” and imply unreasonable causal relationships. For example, the following are overcontrol beliefs:

“I have to control my emotions at all times (or else I'm weak)”

“If I don’t get a perfect grade, then I’m a failure.”

“If I cry or lose my temper, then I am weak.”

“I have to weigh less than 100 pounds to be happy.”

“I can’t mess up.”

Beliefs like “I am powerless,” “I am helpless,” or “I shouldn’t bother doing anything” often lead to undercontrol behaviors. Examples of undercontrol behaviors might include allowing others to make decisions for you, almost never saying “no,” and regularly placing other people’s needs above your own. Often times, such behaviors become self-destructive and lead to interpersonal problems.

In some ways, we can view under- and overcontrol as misplaced control. Because people cannot control everything, they may put too much energy into controlling what cannot be controlled. At the same, the same people might withdraw from that which they can actually influence. For instance, the man from the earlier vignette might believe “emotions are weak” and work hard to avoid feeling anger. These attempts to gain such emotional control would likely lead him to explode, seeming like he has “a short fuse” or as though he cannot manage his anger. In reality, the control is misplaced. In this case, the man attempts to overcontrol an emotion that cannot be avoided. Consequently, when he actually feels anger, he likely exhausts his energy trying not to experience the emotion and condemning himself for "being weak." Such effort leaves few resources to effectively manage anger when it arises.

Dealing with Negative Power/Control Beliefs

Once you understand your beliefs about control, you are at a place where you can influence the feelings and behaviors that result from these thought patterns. Through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy [CBT] you can determine whether your beliefs are realistic or helpful and then arrive at more rational, healthy conclusions. For instance, the man who believes “emotions are weak” may eventually come to a different conclusion, such as “emotions are a normal and healthy part of life. They come and go and do not make me weak.”

Mindfulness-based interventions are also effective in managing maladaptive power/control beliefs. Instead of working on changing the belief, you would acknowledge (accept) that the thought arises and decide how to respond in the presence of that thought. The by-product of this acceptance, however, is often change. Like CBT, mindfulness and acceptance takes practice and such interventions often involve a variety of techniques to help you accomplish your goals. You might explore where you received messages about power/control, practice mindfulness exercises, work with metaphors, gain better understanding about how, when, and where control works, etc. Eventually, you might recognize that having the thought “I feel powerless” does not actually mean you are powerless. You can have that thought and still make decisions to be assertive, set boundaries, take control when you can, and truly let go when you cannot.

Literally Darling recently published a blog I wrote on millennial awkwardness and social anxiety: A Psychologist Tells Us Why We're So Awkward. The article offers tips on managing social anxiety and perceived awkwardness, which could apply to a person from any generation! Take a look!

Between friends, family, and the various communities in which I participate – I hear a lot of people talk about therapy with an underlying stigma. It usually sounds something like this: “I’m having a hard time….BUT IT’S NOT SO BAD THAT I NEED THERAPY.” Deciding to get help is a big deal, but you don’t have to be going through a crisis to seek therapy. Therapy is not reserved for those with severe psychiatric diagnoses. In fact, many people who seek therapy have natural emotional reactions to the things going on in their lives. People also seem to think of psychiatric diagnoses with a lot of negativity. I hear people talk about stress or health conditions or not getting enough sleep and then say something like, “It’s not anxiety” as though a diagnosis of anxiety is some sort of death sentence. And, granted, it may not be “anxiety”…but if it is, that’s okay! There are so many ways to treat anxiety. Therapy is a place where you can talk to someone who has no opinion on what you should do with your life. A good therapist does not judge you and listens warmly and empathically. You won’t hear many clichés like “just don’t worry about it” or “just focus on the positive.” A good therapist will likely not suggest what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. In therapy, you can learn skills to manage uncomfortable feelings or navigate difficult relationships. You can develop new perspectives to help you feel differently about yourself and the world around you. I like to use a flashlight metaphor to identify the typical difference between a friend and therapist. If you are standing in the middle of a very dark forest with an infinite amount of roads, a friend may point you in the “right” direction or take you by the hand and show you the way. A therapist, on the other hand, will shine a flashlight down every path. Together, you will notice advantages of some paths and disadvantages of others. You may acknowledge frightening things and then plan on how to deal with them if you choose that path. At some point, you choose a path. If you wish, your therapist can walk with you while continuing to shine the flashlight. As you may imagine, the metaphor can go in many different directions. The next time you try to argue yourself out of therapy by saying “it’s not that serious” or “this is normal” or something else that implies you should be able to handle life on your own, considering calling a therapist.

Self-talk is the ongoing inner voice that occurs in our minds and influences how we feel and behave. Without realizing it, most people have constant conversations with themselves about their day-to-day activities. For the most part, our self-talk is reasonable and even a little boring. When our self-talk is negative, however, it can be pretty harmful. Learn more about self-talk in this short video.

Whether you are engaged in psychotherapy or attempting to manage depression on your own, the following self-management techniques can alleviate depressive symptoms.Consider selecting one or two of the following strategies to practice over the next few weeks:

Schedule Pleasurable Activities: Losing interest in activities once enjoyed operates as a symptom of depression as well as a problem that perpetuates depressed mood. Scheduling and participating in pleasant activities (behavioral activation) has a significant impact on depressed mood. At first, you may not see a change, but over time you will gradually enjoy these activities again.

Read Self-Help Books: Bibliotherapy can help you understand your depression as well as development effective coping skills. Such texts often include cognitive-behavioral techniques and symptom-monitoring.

Practice Sleep Hygiene: Problems like insomnia, hypersomnia, and disturbed sleep maintenance commonly accompany Major Depression. Sleep hygiene refers to a set of practices that generally lead to quality sleep.

Engage in Regular Exercise: Exercise can often have antidepressant effects.

Quit Smoking: Research suggests that tobacco use impacts your recovery from depression. Abstaining from tobacco use is often advised.

Abstain from Alcohol: Because even low levels of alcohol use have been shown to negatively affect a person's recovery from depression, experts advise abstinence until symptoms remit.

Maintain a Balanced Diet: While literature does not offer robust evidence that improving diet profoundly impacts symptoms of depression, experts often suggest that individuals with Major Depression maintain a balanced diet.

If you do struggle with depressive symptoms that impact your quality of life and/or daily functioning, it is recommended that you use these strategies in conjunction with regular psychotherapy. If for some reason you can not see a therapist, these techniques can still offer symptom relief. Remember: change is usually a gradual process achieved and maintained by regular practice.

You know how it goes…At first, you want to catch up on world news. You start looking into the World Cup. After reading a few articles and some Wikipedia entries, you decide to research how much this event is costing Brazil. Then you wonder, “What would I do with 13 billion dollars?” Eventually, you are making a list of all the places to where you would travel and deciding who would accompany you on this fantastical trip. Maybe you even start a Pinterest board entitled “Oh! The Places I’d Go.” And down the rabbit hole you go. Technology is awesome. An endless supply of information lies at our fingertips. It has given us unimaginable scientific advancements. It ventures to bring us to the edges of the universe and helps us to explore the depths of the sea. Technology keeps us connected with loved ones, it allows us to reminisce in ways that were never possible, and it also provides endless entertainment. Due to technology, we can check off seven items on our to-do list in the time it takes to brew a pot of coffee. When used wisely, technology can afford us more time to enjoy leisure activities and pursue our passions. For many of us, however, we assert that technology saves us time when in reality we have become lost in its boundless web. Consider the five statements we often make about the following technological advancements and the reality of what usually happens. 1. Computers “Everything I do I can do faster because of computers.” REALITY: It takes you 2 hours to start getting into you work because you have to check your email, peruse 4 social media sites, and play a (not-so) quick game of Candy Crush/Solitaire/etc. 2. Email “I can communicate so quickly that I can have more time to pursue hobbies, work remotely, relax, and/or develop a business idea.” REALITY: People just expect you to work more and respond quicker so that your “me time” essentially disappears. See my blog on the vanishing pause time for more information on how we have less time to “just be” as a result of technological advancements. 3. Internet “I can know anything in an instant without doing lengthy research.” REALITY: You fall down a research rabbit hole of checking sources, clicking on links, watching videos, and searching hundreds of sites for every bit of information that exists on said topic. Furthermore, there is a good chance you end up forgetting the initial question and start looking at memes of cats for about an hour. 4. Video Streaming (i.e., Netflix, Hulu, etc.) “I can watch whatever I want whenever I want, so I can live my awesome life and just watch TV when I have nothing to do or simply want to.” REALITY: You binge on TV shows. It starts innocently. Perhaps you have decided to see what everyone is raving about, so you decide to watch the first episode of something. Then that episode ends, “WHAT WAS THAT? I have to see what happens next.” A few episodes later, you look at the clock: “one more and I’ll still have enough time to get a decent night sleep.” Next thing you know, you are watching your 10th episode to the warm glow of the rising sun. 5. Smart phones “I can do anything, anywhere, anytime.” REALITY: There’s a really good chance you waste a lot time reading things like 16 model trains that will change your life or 68 ways you know you are a human being. Not to mention, when you answer a business call at the beach, technology removes you from your moment of rest. The second you take out your phone, your phone takes you out of your life. Don’t get me wrong. The above statements are partial truths as technology can in fact save time and expand our world. However, we tend to mindlessly fall into time-sucking rabbit holes where we trick ourselves into believing we are doing very important things, when in reality we are disconnecting from our lives. For technology to improve our lives, we must choose for it to save time so that we can mindfully engage with our world.

Have you ever asked a therapist a yes or no question? Or perhaps a question where you expected a single-sentence response? Did they give the answer you desired: a yes or no, a short reply? Probably not. The therapist probably said something like “it depends” or “what do you think” or “it’s not that simple” or “let’s talk about that next week.” It can be frustrating, but it is almost always the truth. People seem to seek easy answers to complicated questions. For example, I have been asked the following questions countless times: “Is this normal?” “What should I do?” “How can I stop feeling depressed?” “Can you talk to my so-and-so about her anxiety?” “Why am I like this?” These questions are understandable and reflect a certain amount of frustration with the difficulties at hand. At the same time, they are asked as though a simple answer exists. One of the most important tasks in maintaining mental health is the development of cognitive flexibility in order to accept the complicated nature of the world and move forward with purpose and balance. We seem to oversimplify everything with lists, dichotomies, buzz words, and catch phrases. Consider the answers people seem to seek to the above questions. Q: “Is this normal?”A: “yes.” Q: “What should I do?”A: “Move to Italy. Here’s a person who will set everything up for you.” Q: “How can I stop feeling depressed?”A: “Focus on the positive!” Q: “Can you talk to so-and-so about her anxiety?”A: “Sure” – and an hour later, so-and-so leaves therapy without a worry Q: “Why am I like this?”A: “It’s all because of your mother.” Do some of those answers seem ridiculous? I hope so. Therapy is not about simple answers. In fact, aside from offering insights based on psychological research and theory, therapists typically don’t give the answer. We are not trying to be annoying. We are simply trying to help you find your own truth. Normal is relative. You should do what makes sense based on your values and resources. Managing depression and anxiety takes effort and time. You are the way you are for about a million reasons, and there are about a million different ways to get you where you want to go.

This morning, I overheard my 2-year-old son repeating “put milk there” to my husband. My husband, who was likely and understandably spacing out for a second, realized our son was looking for a response. He reflected back “yes, you put the milk there.” These conversations happen dozens of times a day. Generally, my son wants simple acknowledgment that he has spoken; he is not looking for praise, advice, or anything other than a reflection of what he has said. In listening to my husband and son this morning I considered how early in life we insist on being heard. An older person in an intimate relationship doing the same thing might be called a nag, annoying, overwhelming, etc. They might be accused of requiring excessive praise. The listener might shoot back “I heard you!” or “quit nagging me, I got it” or the ever so sarcastic “Good for you! What you do you want? A medal?” The listener may also remain silent or change the subject. When accused of ignoring the speaker, the listener might then say “I heard what you said” without ever showing that the message was in fact heard. We show people that we hear them through reflective listening or mirroring. It is so simple people forget to do it. My husband exercised reflective listening with my son by repeating what he said and changing pronouns. Toddlers often make their needs obvious; adults, however, get lost in their complicated brains and their needs get muddled in miscommunication. As we age, we forget to mirror others in conversation; we stop showing that we hear people and people stop showing that they hear us. How often do you tell someone something and wonder if they had heard you? It is likely the person understood what you said, but did not show it. Have people ever insisted that you don’t listen even though you hear and understand everything they say? Again, when this happens, it is more likely that you do not verbalize what you hear. Generally, reflective listening will facilitate most interpersonal relationships. When practicing reflective listening, do not offer advice or praise or an alternative perspective. Simply mirror what the person has said. For example, if someone says “I’m so hurt that I wasn’t invited to that guy’s birthday party. I hate him,” you mirror by saying, “you’re hurt you weren’t invited to his party. You hate him.” Once you say anything else, no matter the intention, you are not mirroring. If you want to say something else, wait until it is clear that the person feels heard. Here are some examples of responses you might want to give, but they would be less helpful than mirroring:“He’s lame anyway. Let’s go do something cooler than that stupid party.” You may be trying to offer support or an alternative perspective with this statement. Usually, responses like this are often perceived as dismissing the person’s hurt feelings rather than being supportive. “Hate’s a pretty strong word.” You’re right, hate is a strong word and chances are this person doesn’t actually hate the guy who failed to extend the invitation. When a person expresses hate, however, it is not the time to challenge the emotion or discuss your discomfort with the word. A person who expresses hate is in an emotional space, it can be much more helpful to reflect the emotions or mirror what has been said and wait to see how the person feels when the “hate” subsides. Chances are that person will realize they don’t actually hate the guy without any intervention on your part. If you do want to offer alternative viewpoints, the person will be most open to such suggestions when in a more rational space.

“Whatever. Let’s get dinner.” Again, this is likely said with the intention of giving the birthday guy the attention he deserves: none. At the same time, such a response can be understandably interpreted as dismissive or ignoring the person’s feelings. Furthermore, there is a very good chance the person will discuss their hurt feelings several times throughout dinner. You will probably start to think something along the lines of “What’s the big deal? This guy is stupid. Why do you care so much?” Odds are, however, that your hurt friend simply wants you to acknowledge their feelings. “I wasn’t invited to a party once. Turns out everyone got food poisoning, so I’m glad I didn’t go.” Again, the intent here is probably to support your friend, commiserate, and identify an alternative perspective. When someone is in an emotional space, however, comments like this can seem like you are steering the conversation to be about you rather than the other person’s hurt feelings. Furthermore, a statement that directly or indirectly compares the hurt person’s reaction to one that is “healthier,” can imply that there is something wrong with his/her response as though you’re actually saying “it’s wrong to feel hurt, it’s better to just not care.” To simply not care when someone hurts your feelings can be so difficult. Reflective listening will not alleviate every communication issue you have, but you may notice that if you practice it regularly, your interactions will improve tremendously. Remember, speaking comprises only have of communication skills; listening embodies the other half.

Disclaimer

The content of this site is for informational purposes only and it is not intended to be and should not be used in place of the advice of your physician and/or other healthcare provider. Ross Psychology does not offer advice, nor should its contents be considered clinical advice. Should you have any healthcare related questions please contact your physician or other healthcare provider promptly.