Comedian Iliza Shlesinger Answers Your Romantic Mysteries

A special pre-Valentine's edition of Ask a Comedian.

"The best piece of relationship advice I've ever realized is that men—and I say this in the kindest way—are simple," Iliza Shlesinger says. "Feed them, have sex with them, and everything should be okay. They'll give you whatever you want."

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The comedian, known to many as the winner of the sixth season of Last Comic Standing, has found her niche in relationship humor. Shlesinger's new one-hour special, Freezing Hot, which debuts today on Netflix, centers on the dynamics between men and women. Her bits, about dating and breakups and bizarre behavior, are especially relatable. "I always wanted to avoid the typical choices of most female comics, where it's 'How filthy can I be? How much can I call myself a whore?'" she explains. "That's not how I see myself or how I am in real life. Every single thing I talk about has happened. Everything comes from a real date or a real emotion that I've had."

Because her stories ring so true, we asked Shlesinger to share her wisdom and answer relationship and dating questions from fans for our Ask a Comedian feature. She may not be a dating expert, but she does claim to be an expert on the way women think. "Unless I have a major chemical imbalance," she says, "if I'm feeling it, then other girls are feeling it, too." With that in mind, here's some advice.

Even though I'm not waiting for marriage or anything, I find myself at 26 and a virgin (guy here, by the way). When that eventually comes up with a woman, what kind of reaction can I expect?

—Rob

If you're waiting by choice, then it probably won't come up until your wedding night and by then you're socially and contractually obligated to have sex. But I think women relish the opportunity to teach a man anything. So hopefully you get a Samantha from Sex and the City who wants to use you as a piece of clay and mold you. Some women don't want that responsibility—I get upset if my boyfriend can't figure out what restaurant to go to. You'd have to be really hot for me to have any patience with that. Not that patience would be needed since I'm pretty sure the whole thing would be over pretty quickly.

They can work. Having been in two long-distance relationships, I can tell you they didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with the distance. Both people have to be equally committed. And you have to really enjoy texting. Honestly, I've had short-distance relationships destroyed by texting. There was a dude one neighborhood away and I broke up with him because he was a terrible texter. Ultimately, though, there has to be a time when you guys are actually planning on being together. You can't just have emoji sex for the rest of your lives.

I'm new to a city and having a hard time picking up chicks. Is it creepy hitting on girls at grocery stores or parks? Or should I stick to meaningless e-mails on Match.com?

—Pat

This is going to sound harsh, but women have been told much worse on a daily basis: The line between creepy and complimentary is how attractive you are. No one has ever been upset when a hot guy hit on her. So take a long look in the mirror and decide, are you good-looking? If not, maybe find a library and start there.

My girlfriend and I are moving in together next month, which is awesome. Except I hate her dog. He sucks. What should I do?

—James

Put the dog in the car, drive him to a rich neighborhood he's unfamiliar with, and let him out of the car. Rich people love adopting pets.

I'm so sorry, my friend. There's nothing you can do. You're just going to have to withstand her intermittently hating you until she stops getting her period. Good luck.

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I don't understand online dating. It seems so weird. But I want to try it just to see. Where should I start?

—Jenny

I've never done online dating. But I did watch an episode of Shark Tank and there was a site on it called Coffee Meets Bagel that seems to work for a lot of Korean people. Maybe give that a try. They're a smarter group of people so if they're doing it, maybe it works.

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't listen when I talk. Like, he looks like he's listening but I'm pretty sure he's tuning me out. How can I make him pay attention?

—Chloe

You could get naked. Or you could just accept the fact that men have selective hearing and can only hear so much of your horse crap. So when you talk make sure it's worthwhile. He doesn't need to know what you got at Sephora.

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My girlfriend replies to all my texts with emojis. I can't even think of the last time she used words in a text. How do I get her to stop?

—Bill

Is she 15? No? Then break up with her.

I'm getting married this summer and I'm so overwhelmed by the planning process. I hate it and my fiancé and I have no good ideas. Can you suggest a good theme for the wedding?

—Mary

"Dessert and Pomeranians." No one is unhappy when they're eating dessert. And everyone can get a Pomeranian where their place card is. Who wouldn't be overjoyed by a Pomeranian and a nice lemon tart?

Where should I take a girl on the first date? And should I pick her up and open doors for her, etc.? Also, what should I wear?

—Len

You should wear your finest True Religion jeans and your tightest Affliction shirt just so she knows you mean business. Try racing her to the car—girls love competition. And take her out for ribs. There's nothing girls love more than eating with their hands and getting sauce under their fingernails. Then, after your first kiss, give her a little smack on the cheek and see how she takes it.

Are women really attracted to average-looking guys with a good sense of humor? Or is that just something people say to make us feel better?

—Jimmy

Speaking as an average-looking girl with a good sense of humor, the answer is yes. Never underestimate the power of personality and a sense of humor. It is the most important thing, aside from abs. Also, money helps.

Can you suggest some foolproof pick-up lines, please?

—Benjamin

"Let's both take off our shirts and see whose tits are bigger." Either way you get to see a naked girl and either way you'll find out if you're too fat for her.

I want to break up with my boyfriend of five years and I don't know how. Help!

—Lindsay

Hire a skywriter. That way at least he can't fault you for not putting effort into it.