Archive for December, 2008

Cpl Smith on wearing a kilt- “it’s like being naked…WITH POCKETS”. Even though kilts are technically not pants, it was funny. And people my have noticed that funny goes a lot further with me than “technically correct”. Hell, funny tends to go a lot further with me then most other considerations, such as morality, legality, or even physics. (And believe me, physics can be a harsh mistress.)

My other favorite was Badcat, on spilling rum on herself – “Oh man, my pants taste FANTASTIC.” For some reason I keep imagining Capt. Jack Sparrow saying this. Which, you have to admit is severely awesome. But then, pretty much everything Capt Jack Sparrow could say about pants would be awesome.

And so Cpl Smith and Badcat will each receive their prize as soon as the postal service whisks it off to them. Where no doubt they will be the envy of everybody they know.

Ok so I am not exactly in the military. Actually, I am a spouse… living in base housing. This particular blog is about last spring. Right now, my yardcare sins involve not being able to shovel the 5 foot snow pile that the snowplow drivers so graciously left at the end of my driveway when the temps reach -40. I can’t find my sidewalk to shovel it. They should just be happy that I cleared the driveway.

Here we are at yet another spring on Minot AFB and with it comes what we all in housing have dubbed the “Lawn Nazi’s”. These are the men and women who drive around base housing in the white trucks with rulers ensuring that no lawn exceeds 1 1/2 inches in height and that lawns themselves look nice. This means absolutely no WEEDS! EVER! I know this one from experience. Several times last year, I pulled up to my house to find a little white ticket taped to my front door with a list of my lawn “sins” checked off and little recommendations circled at the bottom telling me that grass seed, fertilizer, and weed killer were available at the self help store. Condescending bastards.

Before we move on, I should tell you, the condition of my lawn was less than perfect when I moved into the house the previous winter. Actually, one could go so far as to say it was a disaster, with the only things green or growing being one pathetic bush with three leaves on it. Moving on. I went to the self help store and received my allocated 6 oz bag of grass seed intended for my 1600 sq foot lawn, my 1lb bag of fertilizer and my 1lb bag of weed killer, all of which I dutifully put on my lawn while thinking to myself, “who the hell do they think they are kidding?” I waited. I watered. The only thing that grew was more weeds! What the hell! So I pulled the weeds and watered some more. The grass died. From out of no where, more weeds grew. I received my second ticket for weeds, and another note at the bottom saying that weed killer was available at the self help store. I went back to the self help store, a little irate, because it seems they mistakenly must have given me, not grass seed and fertilizer but dandelion seed and fertilizer. They tell me that I can’t have any more because they already gave me my allocated amount. I throw the balled up ticket at them and storm out. Now, I have to waste my own money on weed killer. So, I do. I buy all kinds of weed killer. I get the stuff that says it kills weeds but not lawns, guaranteed. I think I heard the weeds laugh at me. Then I get the stuff that says it kills everything including grass and weeds. It kills the grass in a two foot radius around every weed. The weeds are now two feet tall each. I try to pull the weeds up by the roots. They come back stronger, taller, and more numerous than ever before. I cry, plead, cajole, and beg the weeds to go bother someone else. Eventually, I pour gasoline on each weed and set them on fire.

The weeds came back. They are everywhere!

Nothing works on these things! They have a mind of their own. I swear I just watched one eat my neighbors cat. They are now as tall as I am, while all the grass that had been surrounding them has withered and died.

Oh, hell there’s another white ticket on my door! This time, in addition to the weeds, they are yelling at me because the grass has died. Their suggestion is to water it. Instead, I watered my neighbors lawns with total vegetation killer. Now all of our lawns look the same. Ha ha! Take that housing maintenance.

I have started an army of killer dandelions! I will overrun the base, nay, the world!!

Well it’s still Christmas break. I know this because my online game servers are just chock full of high school students. Thanks to them I now know important things such as anyone who disagrees with you is clearly a noob, co-operative dialogue can be replaced with volume, and that “gay” can be used as a verb.

I weep for the future.

So to honor these delightful seasonal opponents I present a list of things that you cannot do in High School.

(Submitted by an anonymous young lady who fears that her principal may look at this site.)

1. Don’t sneak into the principal’s office and “fix” the Friday memo.

2. Or replace his photo of his wife with Bill Gates.

3. Or draw boobies on his desk with permanent marker.

4. Don’t print SPAR (Smart People Against Religion) posters with the printer in the resource room.

5. Especially if your P.E. teacher is Baptist, and the extra balls are stored in there.

6. Especially if the computers store records of what was printed by who, and when.

7. Don’t draw boobies on security cameras. (They didn’t have lights, so I assumed they were off.)

8. Don’t spellcheck the yearbook.

9. Even if I was dared.

10. Even if I was offered money.

11. Don’t use spray starch on vending machines’ coin slot.

12. Don’t tell a clueless bully that vaginas have teeth.

13. Don’t ask him for his lunch money.

14. Don’t wear a “mikey effin way” shirt to school. (And I spent $10 on it at a thrift store, too.)

15. Don’t play with Superglue and the teacher’s coffee cup.

16. Don’t snap off Barbie heads and leave them in the soil for the archeology activity.

17. Don’t play Doom in computer class.

18. Don’t use the onscreen keyboard in the same.

19. Don’t point out that the science teacher is a VERY stupid Christian who told the class to pray to God to forgive us after we opened our anatomy books to page 74. (male reproductive organs.)

20. Don’t ask the librarian if they have a copy of the Anarchist’s Cookbook anywhere. (They don’t, trust me.)

21. Don’t release three (barking) dogs labeled 1, 2, and 4 into the school. (And hide cassette recorders all over the place with nothing but barking noises.)

22. Don’t replace a movie about the digestive system with lesbian porn. (Unless its Bill Nye.)

23. Don’t fill a sex doll with helium and put it in the gym. (I hid it in a pile of clothes at a thrift store.)

24. Don’t ever sign graffiti in the art room. (Even though it’s art.)

25. Don’t spam from school computers.

26. Don’t spam school computers.

27. My rights to taking my laptop to school can be revoked.

28. My rights to be in the hallways between classes can be revoked.

29. So can my locker privileges. (They see me putting beer bottles filled with Pepsi into it one more time, I’m screwed.)

I’m taking a break tonight due to the holiday of Festivus. I might post again during the week, but don’t count on it. Besides most of you should probably be on some sort of vacation yourselves about now, and probably have better ways to spend it than looking at my web-site. For instance if you are a single man you probably should stop procrastinating and go buy your gifts now.

I’m sure the news article probably caught many readers’ eyes today: “Deep Throat”, the informant who helped bring down the Nixon Presidency, has passed away. Some lauded him as a hero who proved one man can make a difference even against the most menacing of would-be dictators. Some scorned him as a turncoat who betrayed his Commander-in-Chief. Some, like those of my generation, remember him as a stupid footnote in history that made us get a B+ instead of an A- on our American History midterm. Regardless of your opinion of his actions, you have to have respect for the ability of the man to keep a secret. No one knew his true identity for decades, despite books and movie about his role in history that he surely could have cashed in on.

While all the major news outlets covered the story, I found the write up by BBC News, found here, to be the most interesting. Mainly because of this single line “…Deep Throat – named after a popular pornographic movie of the time…” It wasn’t until today, despite knowing about the man for many years, that I learned that somebody thought it’d be a great joke to name the informant bringing down one of the most up-tight men in history with what was essentially a dirty joke. I admit, I giggled a little bit when I thought about it.

So thank you Deep Throat, and rest in peace. I for one cannot wait until someone follows in your footsteps and brings down another prominent politician, someone named “Two girls one cup”.

(Submitted by Martin Doyle)
1) The gloves are for food preparation, not for challenging people to duels.
2) Even if they insulted your honor.
3) Especially if they’re the ones keeping you employed
4) No vaulting the front counter. The door is there for a reason.
5) Even if it looks really cool.
6) Even if you scored a number from it.
7) If you think it would be fun to drop in the fryer, then you’re not allowed to drop it in the fryer.
8) Pallets left over from delivery of stock are not picnic tables.
9) Nor are the boxes from delivery there for you to practice Parkour.
10) Even if the security footage of said practice is impressive
11) The freezer is not your office
12) Nor is it a great spot to jump out at people from
13) Especially in a hockey mask
14) Not allowed to bring hockey masks to work anymore
15) Not allowed to wear pirate hats to work anymore
16) Not allowed to wear eye patches to work anymore
17) Tell your doctor to stop writing false medical certificates just so you can wear an eye patch at work
18) No climbing on top of the shelves of the store room
19) Even if the box you needed was in an impossible spot to reach without climbing
20) If you think it’ll be fun to climb on, you’re not allowed to climb on it
21) Making the trainee workers cry is not what you were hired for
22) Not allowed to ask customers for smokes
23) Especially underage customers
24) No, we will not program a button that charges people $5 every time they annoy you
25) You are advised that deliberately forgetting the shortcuts to make meals cheaper for customers who annoy you is frowned upon
26) Even if they have it coming
27) Even if it does boost sales
28) Not allowed to refer to such acts as the ‘stupid tax’
29) You are not a ‘Ninja in Training’ so hiding in ceiling vents and jumping out at people is not allowed
30) The condiment gun is there to make preparing burgers easier, not for target practice
31) Even if you have a 98% accuracy rating
32) Not allowed to question the intelligence of people who need a bunch of teenagers to tell them how to form 3 distinct lines
33) Even if they’re twice your age and should know by now
34) Not allowed to pretend you cannot speak English
35) Not allowed to refer to yourself as ‘The Pity Hire’
36) Telling customers that they’re in line for a Darwin award is unacceptable
37) Even if you are probably right

– My wife, as her cat dug his claws into me and wedged his nose into my pants leg. It was like he was trying to do a line of catnip off of my calf.

2. “Aw, lookit how cute she is. Isn’t she just adorable? Look at how AAAAAAAAUUUUGH! Get it out of my pants! Get it out of my pants!”

– Me, approximately ten minutes after bringing my first ferret home.

3. “Hey! It’s been years since I forgot to put on pants before I left the house.”

– Again my wife, who once accidentally went out to smoke wearing a trenchcoat and a long shirt, but no pants. (My wife insists that I point out that we don’t smoke any more, because evidently that is the part of that story that could make her look bad.)

4. “Those are rather unfortunate pants.”

-A friend of mine while watching “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”. If you watch this movie you will understand.

5. “Okay, I suppose that it makes perfect sense for you to have a pair of Spongebob pants to match your wife’s Spongebob lingerie. Now why does your wife have Spongebob lingerie?”

– My brother-in-law, to me and my wife. We were visiting and discovered that we had forgotten to bring anything to sleep in. Since we were bedding down on an air mattress, in the living room we went to Wal-mart to purchase sleepwear, so that we would not traumatize our niece. We decided to go with a Spongebob theme on the assumption that it would freak our hosts out. Also I was amused to discover the existence of Spongebob lingerie.

6. “Now that you mention it, yes. The talking pickle has been in his pants.”

– On a camping trip I had in my possession an awesome pair of pirate pants, and a talking Larry the Cucumber doll.

I combined them to so that I appeared to have a gargantuan wang, that spouted ham-fisted Christian propaganda when it was smacked. Alcohol may have been involved.

Please note: Creating a situation where funny things happen when people punch you int he junk is probably not the best idea in the world.

7. “Are we going to label the things that have been in his pants?”
“No we are going to label the things that have not been in his pants. It’s faster.”

After the Larry incident my friends were understandably cautious about handling things in the vicinity of my tent. A labeling system was created.

8. “I have to tell you something that might disturb you. Two lesbians have just had sex in your pants.”

If you have a set of awsome pirate pants, be cautious of camping drama majors. They will steal your pants, and then do stuff in them.

These are all quotes, involving pants, that have been actually said in my presence.

1. “Wow, your pants smell fascinating today.”

2. “Aw, lookit how cute she is. Isn’t she just adorable? Look at how AAAAAAAAUUUUGH! Get it out of my pants! Get it out of my pants!”

3. “Hey! It’s been years since I forgot to put on pants before I left the house.”

4. “Those are rather unfortunate pants.”

5. “Okay, I suppose that it makes perfect sense for you to have a pair of Spongebob pants to match your wife’s Spongebob lingerie. Now why does your wife have Spongebob lingerie?”

6. “Now that you mention it, yes. The talking pickle has been in his pants.”

7. “Are we going to label the things that have been in his pants?”
“No we are going to label the things that have not been in his pants. It’s faster.”

8. “I have to tell you something that might disturb you. Two lesbians have just had sex in your pants.”

Now many of you may be wondering why I have put up a list of strange quotes with no explanation. (Others have probably given up wondering just what the hell I’m up to.)

Well obviously this is a way of leading in to my new Pants Contest.

I mean duh, what else could it be.

I currently still have a small pile of Squid Pie t-shirts left. And so whoever posts the best pants related quote in the comments section will get a free one sent to them. Contest ends whenever I say it does, and like all things of importance, final judgment rests with Skippy.

Furthermore I’m sure that several of you want to know what the hell happened that caused these quotes to be um… be-quoted at me in the first place. Well I will reveal provided that I receive some reader submissions to post up on here. The holidays are coming up and everybody is very selfishly spending them doing charity work, or spending time with their family instead of sending in content for my site. Picking up the slack would eat into my Left4Dead time, which means you might as well just hand Riverside over to those undead flesh-hungry bastards.

So the other day I was talking about boobies with some associates of mine.

I find boobies to be somewhat enigmatic… they’re like… well, have you ever seen an artificial hill? Often when a landfill’s reached its capacity, a municipality will cover it in a large plastic shield and then put earth and grass on top. Sometimes they turn these suckers into parks or golf courses or sometimes they just leave ’em for us to look at. Boobies are like that. Not in that they’re both aesthetically pleasing or potentially functional, but in that it’s like just a heap of shit under a nipple and some soft flesh. And yet, we men are drawn to them. Little ones, big ones, gargantuan ones, novelty ones; innies, outies, roundabouts; for every kind of boobie there’s an eager fellow itchin’ for a squeeze.

And it seems to me women just don’t really think all that much about their lady-berries. Sure they try to buy clothes that make them look pronounced, they’ll stuff their bras with tissues, they’ll pay thousands of dollars to get silicone sacks stuffed into their chests. But to most, I believe, that stuff’s no different than how we men shave our beards or cut our hair. It doesn’t really matter to us, we just adhere to a certain aesthetic because we think looking decent will make women want to talk to us. We don’t care about our hair like we care about our dicks. To the ladies, their boobies are like a special elbow or a really mushy chin, just another body part that only matters because we like it so much.

Another thing about women that I was lecturing a young fan of the site about: their bodies are like giant penises. You could say they’re made entirely of Guitar Hero dick flesh–only the buttons aren’t as colorful and the game tends to be more frustrating. The DLC costs a fuckton too. But they’re compatible with a huge range of peripherals so you don’t have to worry about buying different controllers for different versions. Not like that Rockband/Guitar Hero bullshit. There are some cheat codes, but you could save a whole lot of a time buy simply investing in a GameShark-equivalent.

I think I ought to teach high school sex ed…

Polkster has his own site, and if you click here it will make him squeal with delight.