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friends with benefits

So after nothing happened, we woke up at around 9am. He looked at me and just cuddled me. All throughout the night he shifted away, but then got back to holding me somewhere. He also seemed to dream, since he always said “no” (obviously my mind wandered to him having nightmares deciding between me and his girlfriend – he can’t remember anything though).

Anyway, I can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he kissed me at some point. I think he was caressing my back and then just went for it. It was nice. I mean, I knew I loved our kissing chemistry, but it had been 2 years. Lots could change. But it hasn’t.
We kissed just once. Then he turned away and we just lay there…
but long story short: yep we did, what we shouldn’t have. We had sex. He started to fumble and for the longest time I always pushed his hand away and told him not to. He asked why, and I told him “you know why”. It didn’t really matter – plus this is a huge déjà-vu… and I realised my defence was crumbling. So in the end we had sex.

It was nice, I’m not gonna lie. We had fun, we just clicked. But I also could not entirely forget about his girlfriend. And here come the haters:
No I’m not feeling good. I know there’s always two that belong to something like this happening. Right now I’m not sure who is suffering more. Kenny or I? I feel like we are the ones who got hurt, because I’m not sure whether he’ll tell his girlfriend. I actually have absolutely no idea what will happen from now on. Maybe this one thing has done it for us. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe that affection we have shared for 16 years is now gone, that we know what it is like. So we can now meet up just as friends, without having the urge to touch and kiss each other. Or maybe it’ll continue. I can honestly not tell you.

I also cannot tell you how I feel about any of this. My feelings are very mixed, but mostly bad. But then that’s nothing new. I knew I’d feel the remorse. Maybe more so than him. And yet I’ve done it. Why? I don’t know.

It was all good after the sex. He asked whether it had been okay for me (he seemed very unsure about himself) and he realised quickly that I was not doing okay, because I was thinking about what we have done. I did not say it out loud, but I guess I needn’t to.
So we cuddled some afterwards and then I noticed that he wanted to leave. He’s leaving abroad this afternoon, so I knew I had to get him back home in time and that was okay. We never planned on this happening. He actually had said before we fell asleep “who would have guessed we’d end up here?” and I just laughed and then he said “well.. at least not today”. So you know, he has planned this. And I’m not sure if he just wanted to get me laid, or whatever. it does sound like it I know, but I don’t believe it quite yet. We’ve had these kind of conversations before, and he always said “if I just wanted sex with you, I’d long have gotten it.” Which is true.

Anyway back to the story. So we started to get dressed, he looked around in my flat and then he suddenly got all weird and very distant. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was still drunk (which he wasn’t). I drove him home (15 minutes) and got a goodbye kiss on my cheek. Not surprising, since his neighbours surely know about his girlfriend. He also said that if any of his colleague will see him, he’ll tell them I’m his sister. This is one thing why I guess he won’t tell his girlfriend. Anyway. He then said “well.. see you… somewhen” and I jokingly said “in a year at carnival I guess”, he didn’t say anything to that just “well we’ll talk on the phone”. Then he walked off, no looking back. And that was the moment I think he realised what we had done. And the moment that everything hurt for me

I have no idea how he’s dealing right now. I haven’t heard from him yet and I want to leave him be for a moment. I don’t think he regrets what we’ve done, and neither do I if I’m being honest. If that makes me selfish, then that’s okay for me. I know we could have taken different turns on a lot of opportunities, but it happened. And that’s what we have to deal with right now. And I will be taking all the consequences if he decides to tell his girlfriend.
I’m not sure why I’m sad though. I’m not expecting a relationship. I do love him, but not in that way. We had sex, we weren’t making love. This is a huge difference for me. It was for fun. And I think it was the same for him. So we’ll have to see what happens.

As for the comments I’ve gotten lately. I do understand you guys, but I’m not sure I will defend myself any further. It has been a decision made by me, knowing the consequences. This blog has always been more of a diary to me, so I can read back on how I felt in certain situations in my life… and I’ll continue to do so. So excuse me if I’m not replying.

If I’m being honest I didn’t expect to hear back from him after his holidays over New Year. I knew he was away for 4 days and didn’t expect him to text me during his stay. But even here he surprised me and texted the very first day. We have been in contact ever since. It was much less whilst he was away, but we talked nonetheless. This is something so different to what I’m used to with P. Because the conversation was back to “normal” once he got back on Tuesday.

Now here’s the thing: As I said before, he has asked me for drinks in the beginning – way before we realised we were not looking for the same thing. I declined. Then he asked again over the holidays I think, not sure anymore. He asked again yesterday and I told him if Mr. Cucu won’t be ready I’d come over on Saturday. He then replied he won’t hold up his free time until Saturday, which is understandable. At first I was pissed, because it seemed like he really wanted to see me and then he wasn’t open to wait. But seriously, I wouldn’t do it either. So he asked for Sunday and I declined again, due to my final exam in just a month. And I really need to get my bum moving.

But.

I promised him I will take time once that is over. By then we’ll have talked for 2 months already (he messaged me December 14th) and we’ll know. I’m not sure whether he wants to see me and hopes I’ll change my mind about the friends with benefits thing or is actually interested in me. Because he seems to be. And I do really like this guy as well so far. So I’m excited to see him.
I could have met him this Sunday, but I really just wanted to see where things with P are heading. I don’t want to get myself even more messed up with two guys at once, you know? Not that I’d plan a date on Sunday and then actually would see P beforehand. That’d really mess with my head for sure.

If I’m not seeing P this Friday, I’m definitely moving on. May even start dating Mikey. What is there to lose?!
So stay tuned for some more f*cked-up-dating-disasters of mine 🙂

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

Guys, you will not believe what happened. I am beyond furious – on the other hand I’m glad it’s finally over.
So I texted Gohan on Sunday, right? I told him that I couldn’t go on like that and that I don’t see us working out blahblahblah. So 3 days later (today) he finally had the gutts to answer. He went blahblah I’m glad you told me blahblah we had an awesome time blah lah… And then he’s telling me he only wanted fun anyway?! Seriously dude? You made such a drama when I ignored you for a DAY. You made such a big deal when I went abroad and asked to see you again without any intentions. And now you’re telling me there were no feelings involved??!! Fuck you. Just fuck you, dude. I hope to never ever cross paths with you ever again because you’re a fuckhead. That’s what you are. “I thought that was clear”. Yeah I can read your mind. Oh and don’t tell me you didn’t have any feelings because I actually can tell apart whether I’m friends with a dude or more. I know when someone has a crush on me. Just fuck you dude. For being such a fucker.

Anyway so on Monday I texted a few guys to get my self-esteem back. Guess who I might date after Christmas? The guy from the past! He asked me out again. And yes I know he only wants sex. But honestly? Right now I don’t give one single fuck anymore. Just fuck this shit.

What is wrong with me? The guy from the past just messaged me, asking how the festival was (guess he didn’t notice I wasn’t there :-P) – probably because I poked him on facebook, although we aren’t even friends on there.. so we talked a little while and he pretty much asked straight away “we could meet just like that?!” Well actually after I asked him whether he found a girl (because he told me he wanted to ‘find’ a girlfriend on the festival) and he answered that he didn’t even bother to search. Next thing: “we could date though?” So I was like: “yeah why not?”

He did ask once before (but it never happened), after we went out to a party somewhen back in September last year (the last time I saw him), and I was pretty excited because I thought I would never see him, if it wouldn’t be for a festival or a party or whatever – which would at least take another year. Anyway, we didn’t go to that party TOGETHER, but just met there and talked a bit – he was the reason I went there anyway. He pretty much got me drunk back then, but was too drunk himself to take advantage of me.

But now that he’s asked me again, I’m not quite sure what he wants. Like if he expects more of it, or whatever. I know he thinks I’m cute (and so is he!). He told me back then, when we talked about our kiss(es), which I didn’t remember, and I was like “yeah all you want is sex anyway” so he told me what he likes about me and it was really cute to be honest. Of course, first thing was saying he likes my boobs for whatever reason lol – that’s just him though -, but he said that he liked my personality and thinks that I’m cute and so on. We do get along pretty well, and he’s funny, good-looking and everything else. Like he lives by himself, has a great job, just things which I love in men. Whatever, so I’m not sure if he thinks about me in a relationship-kind of way or just as friends (with benefits). Either way, I’m unsure about it right now, as of how to behave next to him when we’re alone, because we never have spent time on our own, even less sober. This is so weird! I have seen him about 3 or 4 times by now, and everytime either (or both) were totally wasted.

Anyway, as I’m not sure whether I’m even home the next few weeks, I don’t even know when I’ll have time to meet him. Maybe I’ll just visit on a normal workday, so I have an excuse to go home in the evening (another thing I’m afraid about, for whatever reason).. or we’ll just hang out like friends. Why am I even thinking about those things? Seriously, that’s why I hate when there is something between a boy and me. I just don’t know how to behave anymore, while I really don’t give a shit when I’m with friends or people I don’t know. I have those ‘friends’ and those ‘could-be-a-boyfriend-friends’, so I’m really unsure and weird around latter.

However, let’s just see what’s going on. At least there is some boys-action in my life again.

PS: Yay! Seems like my weight loss shows off, because a friend of mine asked whether I have lost a lot of weight yet (which I definitely haven’t – 6lbs maybe)… cool!