But fear not, fellow Shubert Alley Citizens, FB is back, and poking fun at us all and keeping our (enormous) egos in check.

This brand new production of Forbidden Broadway has been in previews at a theater that bears a certain blogger’s surname (that’s right The Davenport!) since February 22nd and officially opens on May 4th.

Why the long preview process? Why, to make sure they could see every single one of the new musicals opening this spring so they could spread the lampooning amongst them all.

Expect bits about Bridges, and Rocky and my favorite, the good ol’ Les Miz parody. (“At the end of the play, you’re another day older!”)

And one of you can expect to go for free because we’ve got two tickets to give away!

LARRY ABRAMSKY

Nathan Clift

(sung to the tune of the “There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer” verse of “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend”)

There may come a time when you croak in the chorus
But tea will be your very best friend
There may come a time when you hard earned solo sounds just like a goat
But drink that tea or don’t sing with me!
Tea will rise when throats are dry
And we all try to sing till the end
But high voice or low voice
This drink will help your voice!
Tea will be your very best friend!

Brandon Suisse

I think it’s kinda awesome that IF/THEN is basically a mix of the stars of RENT and ONCE ON THIS ISLAND. So this might be a little outside the scope of the project, but here are my top five tracks from RENT/ISLAND:

5. Waiting For Life Support
4. One Small Song, Glory
3. Today 4-ever Yours
2. The Tango Ti Moune
and who can forget that rousing Caribbohemian anthem:
1. La Vie Beauxhomme

Cindy S.

“Seamless”, sung to the tune of “Maria” from WSS. Cause us New Yorkers love the ease of a good Seamless.com delivery

Seamless, I just ordered food off of Seamless
And suddenly I’ve found
How wonderful no sound can be
Seamless
I just ordered pizza off Seamless
And suddenly my gang
can eat and play and hang with me!
With Seamless-
Order food while your gang is playing
(lowers voice)
Use your card, it’s like you’re not even paying
Delivery,
I’ll never stop paying for Seamless.
Seamless, Seamless…
*twirls around in a NYC alleyway*

Emily Herschbein

I dreamed a dream in Miss Saigon
Behind a drape
Finger on trigger
I dreamed that Kim would never die
I dreamed that future roles would last
Then I moved on to Eponine
Died in the arms of one more lover
The song we sung was very sad
But then I died, and he moved on

Almost a total decade later
My agent offered me Fantine
I said “yes” before I realized
This time I die before Act Two

Emily Herschbein

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

Ellen

Fran

Apologies to Sondheim. Here’s my version of Too Many Mornings from Follies

Too many workshops
Wasted in pretending they’re going to move
Thousands of Workshops
Dreaming of Broadway
All those readings,
All those lofts
And church basements
So sure
This one’s gonna move.

Too many workshops
Wishing that the room would be filled with backers
Backers with their checkbooks
Investing all their dough.
All the rehearsals I thought would never end
All those walkups I had to climb
All those readings where I’d hope to see
Davenport sitting in a chair
Daryl Roth coming in the door
Bob Boyette on the left
And here’s the Schuberts and the Nederlanders.

If the show doesn’t move, I think I’m going to die.
How I wrote
How I re-wrote
All those scripts
Sent to all those actors
So many auditions
So many call backs
So much time spent
Wondering if …
How I planned tonight
How many I invited
How many are going to show?
Will we ever move?
Will we ever be on Broadway?

Too many workshops
Wasted in pretending we’re gonna move.
How many readings
Are there still to come?
How much longer will I wait?
How much longer will I climb
Up all those damn stairs.
How many workshops
Is it going to take
How many workshops
Till I reach Broadway.

Emily Herschbein

A Drama Teacher, to the tune of An English Teacher from Bye Bye Birdie.

A Drama teacher, a Drama teacher
If only I’d been a Drama teacher
I would not have to live with my mom
My jobs would be more consistent
And I would have some money
A girl who’s got her masters
In Education
Has job prospect, not just auditions
It could have been such a successful life
Teaching kids to have big dreams like mine
Not depressing off-Broadway,
Not stuck-in-ensemble reality,
But chorus girl’s failed dreams!

Emily Herschbein

An English teacher, an English teacher.
If only you’d been an English teacher
We’d have a little apartment in Queens
You’d get a summer vacation
And we would know what life means
A man who’s got his masters
Is really someone
How proud I’d be if you had become one
It could have been such a wonderful life
I could have been Mrs. Peterson
Mrs. Albert Peterson,
Mrs. Phi Beta Kappa Peterson,
The English teacher’s wife!

Emily Herschbein

I’m just having too much fun with this. Here’s my version of “Rock Island” from “The Music Man.”

Proud Father: She’s a Broadway Star
Curious Cousin: She’s a what?
Incredulous Nephew: She’s a what?
Proud Father: She’s a broadway star and she sings her heart out with the pit orchestra and the ensemble and her heart-throb male
lead, big barass voice, big brass voice, and they sing duets, they sing duets with cool costumes, too with an overdone face
of makeup and a wig that’s as long as . . .
Curious Cousin: Well, I don’t know much about shows but I do know you can’t make a living on the Great White Way, no sir.
Television, perhaps and here and there a movie …
Proud Father: No, my girl does live shows, Musicals. I don’t know how she does it but she sings and she acts and she cries onstage
and smiles and she kisses and shines and when my girl dances, certainly boys, what else? The production pays her! Yes sir ,yes
sir,yes sir, yes sir, when my girl dances, certainly boys, what else? The production pays her! Yessssir, Yessssir.
Envious Uncle: But she didn’t go to College!

Emily Herschbein

2nd Salesman: He’s a music man
1st Salesman: He’s a what?
3rd Salesman: He’s a what?
2nd Salesman: He’s a music man and he sells clarinets to the kids in the town with the big trombones and the rat-a-tat
drums, big barass bass, big brass bass, and the piccolo, the piccolo with uniforms, too with a shiny gold braid
on the coat and a big red stripe runnin . . .
1st Salesman: Well, I don’t know much about bands but I do know you can’t make a living selling big trombones, no sir.
Mandolin picks, perhaps and here and there a Jew’s harp …
2nd Salesman: No, the fellow sells bands, Boys bands. I don’t know how he does it but he lives like a king and he dallies
and he gathers and he plucks and shines and when the man dances, certainly boys, what else? The piper pays him! Yes sir ,yes
sir,yes sir, yes sir, when the man dances, certainly boys, what else?The piper pays him! Yessssir, Yessssir
Charlie: But he dosen’t know the territory!

MR. RICK
LOUIE, I’ve decided to sell the cafe and open a little crepe stand on the Rue de Bologne.

LOUIE
What? Monsieur Rick! That Rue has no view, absolutely none!

MR. RICK
It’s a new Rue, LOUIE, and a good view, too. I like it. And what’s more, my wallet likes it! It’ll be a lot less costly, no overhead. What can I say? It’s a new world, Louie, a new world. And by the way, I’ve been going over the books, and I think you’re a little short.

LOUIE
What? Monsier Rick, just because you are ze tall American string bean, doesn’t make it right to insult me zis way!

MR. RICK
No, Louie, not that short. I mean in the books, there’s an old ledger entry for 10,000 francs. You remember the bet?

LOUIE
What in ze heavens are you saying?

MR. RICK
Louie,
DO YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
DO I WHAT?

MR. RICK
DO YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
DO I OWE YOU?
WITH YOUR PRECIOUS MR. LAZLO
AND ZE LOVER FROM PARIS
IT WAS I, WHO STEPPED IN,
SAVED ZE DAY, SET THEM FREE,
IS ZIS IN YOUR ACCOUNTING?

MR. RICK
Louie, the interest is mounting-
DO YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
YOU’RE A FOOL!

MR. RICK
May-be…
BUT DO YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
DO I OWE YOU?

MR. RICK
Well?

LOUIE
FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS
I’VE SCHEMED WITH YOU
TEAMED WITH YOU
DREAMED WITH YOU,
GIVEN YOU SHELTER,
WATCHED YOUR BACK,
AFTER TWENTY-FIVE YEARS,
YOU SAY I’M NOT IN THE BLACK?

MR. RICK
LOUIE, THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU
WAS OUTSIDE MY CAFE
I WAS LEERY

LOUIE
I WAS HIGH

MR. RICK
SAM WAS PLAYING

LOUIE
SO WAS I

MR. RICK
WELL THE COLONEL AND HIS BROTHER
SAID WE OUGHT TO HELP EACH OTHER,
BUT NOW I’M ASKING, LOUIE,
DO YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
(Indignant!)
I’M YOUR FRIEND!

MR. RICK
(Contrite)
I know, it’s true, you’re right, and when you’re right, you’re right…
BUT DO YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
DO I OWE HIM?
FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS
I’VE LIED FOR HIM
CRIED FOR HIM, NEARLY DIED FOR HIM,
TWENTY FIVE YEARS, MY SHIELD IS HIS,
IF THAT’S NOT GOLD, WHAT IS?

MR. RICK
STILL, YOU OWE ME?

LOUIE
IF YOU SAY I DO…

MR. RICK
WELL, I SUPPOSE I OWE YOU, TOO.

BOTH
IT DOESN’T END THE WARS,
BUT EVEN SO
APRES VENT CINQUE ANNEES,
IT’S NICE TO KNOW.

Steve Hansen

Busted flat most all my life, never caught a break
Couldn’t even afford me some brand new clothes
Giggin’ nearly all the time, everything I’d make
Seemed to disappear straight up my nose
Then I finally made myself a really bitchin’ record
It was lookin’ like I might taste some success
In no time flat ol’ Pearl went gold, millions and millions of copies sold
Don’t ya know it was all posthumous

Legend’s just another word for dead as a doornail
Money always shunned me, honey, when I was alive, now, now
Making mounds of moolah, Lord, all to no avail
Y’know all I really want to do is see
Who’s living offa me and my royalties

Got called mean names in third grade, was an outcast high schooler
They said I was plum ugly for a girl
I broke out in acne, the names got even crueler
I was maligned and called swine before Pearl
The day I had a big hit Lord, I was the pride of Texas
My hometown even went and had my likeness cast
My sister wrote a play about me, now she’s drivin’ a Lexus
Well, tell Port Arthur they can still kiss my . . . brass

Irony’s just another word for ‘left some cash behind’
Nothin’, is all I ever made off that LP
Told that stupid town to stick it where the sun don’t shine
Now half of Port Arthur is bourgeoisie
Livin’ offa me and my royalties

Steve Hansen

James V

(Maria from West Side Story. With apologies to the cast of Matilda)
Matilda!
I just heard a show called Matilda
The shrieking and the bleats
Are heard out on the streets
Each night
Matilda
They’ve cast four young tykes in Matilda
Their faces are all locked
It’s like they been botoxed
Each night
Matilda

A response to us fans who still want Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth to do the film, in their original roles. Even if they make the film version in 20 years. Here’s what it would sound like.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

WHAT IS THIS CASTING?

(Kristen,spoken) Dearest, darlingest Stephen Schwartz…
(Idina, spoken) My dear Tony Awards…
(Both) There’s some confusion of our being cast in the film
(Idina) But of course I’ll hit those notes.
(Kristen) But of course, I’ll rise above her notes!
(Both) For we know you want us to reprise our roles. Yes. There’s been some confusion that Anne Hathaway is…
(Kristen) Very much younger and probably better for the role of a prep school teen…
(Idina) Gray.

(Kristen) What is this casting, so right and wrong now?
(Idina) I saw it the minute you did Glee.
(Kristen) Your brow needs Botox.
(Idina) Your teeth need replacing.
(Kristen, speaking) Your face needs lifting.
(Both) What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name? Yes….

Aging! Unmistakable aging!
(Kristen,spoken) In your face,
(Idina, spoken) your voice,
(Kristen) your walker!
(Both) Let’s just say–your old as hell! Every little trait like a hag makes your flesh wrinkle and sag, simply literal aging! There’s a strange exasperation.
In such total degeneration. It’s so putrid,so wrong!
Though I do admit,it came on fast,
still I do believe we are wrongly cast. And I will be aging, aging the whole shoot long!

James V

ATTEND THE TAIL OF SWEETIE PIE
SHE LOOKED SO SWEET BUT IT’S A LIE
SHE LICKED THE FACES OF GENTLEMEN
WHO NEVER THEREAFTER WOULD WALK HER AGAIN
BEWARE HER TEETH NONE COULD COMPARE
OUR SWEETIE PIE, THE DEMON BARKER OF FLEA STREET

HER OWNERS LIVED IN LONDON TOWN
AND HER OWNERS ALWAYS WORE A FROWN
AND NONE OF THEIR HOUSE GUESTS COULD BE SAVED
CAUSE SWEETIE PIE
WAS ALWAYS SO ILL BEHAVED OUR SWEETIE,
OUR SWEETIE PIE THE DEMON BARKER OF FLEA STREET

OPEN YOUR JAW SO WIDE, SWEETIE
TIME TO GRAB YOUR PRIZE
BITING THOSE WHO SMELL SO GOOD IN EV’RY SIZE

BEHIND THE BED, BY THE WALL
SHE SLEPT AND ATE SHE DID IT ALL
THEY KEPT HER LEASH RIGHT BY HER SMALL BED
AT THE END OF EACH WALK, ANOTHER FELL DEAD
HER MASTERS THEY JUST LOOKED AWAY
DID SWEETIE PAY, THE DEMON BARKER OF FLEA STREET

AS FEROCIOUS AS SWEETIE WAS
QUIET AS A MOUSE SHE WAS
IN HER BROWN EYES, BEHIND HER BARK
.SWEETIE JUST WANDERED ALONE IN THE DARK
SWEETIE DESTROYED AND SWEETIE DINED
AND THEY LET HER OUT BECAUSE SHE WHINED
SWEETIE WAS CUTE, SWEETIE WOULD CUDDLE
SWEETIE WOULD GROWL AND MEN WOULD HUDDLE
SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE

ATTEND THE TAIL OF SWEETIE PIE
SHE LIVED THE LIFE OF A HUNGRY DOG
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS IN OUR BLOG
SO NOW WE SHALL KEEP YOU ALL IN A FOG. FOR SWEETIE
FOR SWEETIE, THE DEMON BARKER OF FLEA STREET.

Very good website you have here but I was wondering if you knew of any discussion boards that cover the same topics discussed in this article? I’d really love to be a part of community where I can get comments from other knowledgeable people that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Cheers!