In order to keep up with the public’s seemingly endless appetite for
vampire-centered programming, Media giant Vayacom has announced that it
will launch BITES TV, a basic cable network with 24-hour vampire content
starting this fall.

“Vampires are the new gays,” said Calvin Wenzel, a veteran TV executive
who has been tapped to head the fledgling network. “Fans of sang-and-fang
movies, TV shows, books, role-playing and video games, comics, music
and fashion are a large and still-expanding market. Starting in
September of this year, we plan to air the kind of programs that will be
welcome in every crypt and creaky old castle from here to Styria and
beyond.”

Wenzel grinned and winked when he said this, apparently implying that he thought that it was a clever thing to say.

Wenzel, who spoke to reporters at a press conference in front of a
Burbank blood bank on Tuesday night, said that in addition to existing
movies and syndicated television series’ they have a large number of new
bloodsucking shows that will soon begin production for the new network.

Wenzel mentioned several new titles, among them the post-apocalyptic horror-drama Blood Epoch, the sitcom Ancient Aunts starring Linda Lavin and Sharon Gless and the Steven Bochco-produced Nosferatu Nights, which is concerned with an all-vampire division of the LAPD.

Also being prepared for the new network is the musical variety show I, Suck!,
starring sanguinarian rapper Kid Suck. Suck reportedly has cancelled
plans for a world tour in order to concentrate on the new show, which
Wenzel says Suck promised will be “blood-awesome!”

Wenzel seemed most enthusiastic about a series of vampire reality programs that are currently in pre-production.

The Black Swan Hookup will essentially be a dating-centered show between vampires and vampire-attracted non-vampires.

Survival: Transylvania will pit American goth teens against one
another in a series of competitive events that include blood-chugging
contests, victim-stalking, stake-dodging and being buried alive in
coffins.

Real Vampire Housewives of New Orleans will follow some rich
vamps in the Big Easy as they drink, shop, feud amongst themselves and
with their families and suck random men.

The press conference ended abruptly when APP correspondent Tim Rispoli
asked Wenzel if he was aware that vampires do not actually exist. Wenzel
responded by leaping upon Rispoli and attempting to bite him, but he
fell back and fled when he saw that Rispoli was wearing a crucifix
around his neck.