SNOW – Know The Facts

Snow is actually dandruff. High winds from the Gulf Stream blow through the hair of millions of people lifting the dandruff to new heights before depositing it around the world during winter. The worst case of ‘druff’ fall occurred in 1965 when England was bought to a standstill with druff drifts of over twenty two feet high, that’s bigger than a double decker bus! Hair conditioner was applied to roads and lorries were fitted with combs to help clear the major routes.

The coldest place on earth is surprisingly in the Sahara desert, during night time the temperatures can plummet as much as 300 degrees. It has been known for explorers to be unprepared for these extremes and can be often found as ice statues the next morning even on the hottest days.

Did you know if you feed cows ice cubes they will automatically dispense ice cream from their udders? Make them eat strawberrys too and they will give you raspberry ripple! Amazing!

If you spell ‘snow’ backwards you get a word that means gullible.

Did you know we have over a hundred ways to describe snow? Bloody snow, f@&£ snow, sh@&!? snow and possibly 97 other variants many unprintable.

Snow when frozen is called snice, ice when frozen is called frice, if snice and frice happens at the same time you get egg frice snice which is number 22 at your local takeaway.

If you sit too long in the snow you will get snow balls.

Snow is the ultimate diet food, each ounce of snow contains no calories and no fat. Several slimming companies endorse the use of snow in your diet and some even thoughtfully include it in your frozen meals making them extra healthy. Be sin free and nibble on an icicle instead of that calorie laden carrot.

The Snowman is a popular cartoon and book based on a snowman that creepily comes alive, steals false teeth and abducts a boy in the dark of the night who after realising his crimes then disappears leaving behind only his clothes.

The Snowdog is another tale about dead dogs to lift the spirit.

Father Christmas on the other hand is about a grumpy fat bloke that likes dressing up.

If you took all the icecream in the world and made one large 99 out of it you would be crushed under the weight of the accompanying flake unless of course you live in 2014 where your flake will look like a small shrivelled dog turd and be no more than 2cm in length.

Strap ice lollies to the soles of your shoes for instant ‘ice’ skates in any weather.

Strap ice lollies to your knees and elbows to recreate tobogganing by getting on all fours at the top of a hill.

Cannon balls rolled in snow and fired from a cannon make pleasant seasonal artillery gifts for enemy soldiers.

Snow can be used instead of carbon footprint increasing polystyrene to protect expensive electronic gifts this Christmas when wrapping.

Keep everyone festive this December by replacing words with festive equivalents. ‘Do I snow you?’, ‘Yule regret that!’, ‘What a load of baubles the weather is, I told you it would reindeer.’, ‘I’m into witchcraft, I worship Santa.’

Be careful when you shake snow globes as they work like snow callers and you are effectively inviting a localised snowstorm to your area.

Christmas is so popular that 34% of people think we should have it every year.

Yellow snow tastes like lemonade, brown snow is chocolate, you are only warned not to eat it because supermarkets want you to carry on buying their own brands.