Friday, November 30, 2007

It has been 4 days since my last treatment. My NP stopped my treatments because she said my liver functions were low. Plus there was a holiday last week, so I only got two treatments last week too. I feel sooo much better. I'm eating more, smiling, talking up a storm! I have to go next week to get more blood work done, so I can hopefully finish up my treatments. I want them done so bad! So far I've done 11, so there are only 9 left! My company is having our annual Christmast dinner on Dec. 14, and I want to go. I hope that I'm ok by then to go.

I went to lunch today with my friend & co-worker Kimberly. It was so exciting to get out and actually eat something! I feel like I hogged the whole time talking, but I couldn't help myself. I've known Kimberly for 13 years, well, next month will be 13 years - but wow. How the time goes. I know her well enough that I know she's not mad at me for talking so much! She is such a good friend. She has offered to help me a lot during this time, but I haven't had the opportunity to take her up on it. I still have 9 more treatments, so I just may take her up on it soon :)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

As each day passes, I feel like I'm losing a bit of who I am. I feel like my smiles have gone and that there is a dark cloud looming over my head. I know there have been a few times when I saw people close to me, and they lost the spark in their eyes. But that was different. That was because they were sick or sad or something. I feel like I have permanently lost that spark, and that it's not coming back. I know that this is temporary, but it surely does not feel that way right now. It is real, very real.

Monday, November 12, 2007

So Christina and Tai had to go back home. I really enjoyed them coming out and visiting me while spending a week in Cali! I miss them so terribly much. This was my first time meeting Tai, and she is the most adorable little girl ever! My niece Tina has such a beautiful daughter! Just looking at these pictures makes my heart ache for them :(

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Reanna always has a count down list :) 115 days 'til school is out, 42 days 'til the concert, 18 days 'til vacation, etc, etc, etc. Now I have a count down. 17 more infusions. I always listened to Reanna's count downs, but they never really had a meaning for me. I don't get summer vacation, and I very rarely go to her concerts (well, I did drag her to see J.T. with me though!) so while every day she could tell you how many days until each function was to come, I would eagerly listen. Now, I've got my own count down. This normally isn't my sort of thing, but the treatments are so bad, that actually gives me something to look forward to.

Treatment #2 went by pretty fast. I had a new nurse, Parker. He was really nice. He asked a lot of questions, and then told me that he had done the same treatment about 7 years ago. He was very helpful. This time I brought a book, and the time went by pretty fast. When I got home from the appt, my dad, Tina & Tai had just gotten to the house! I was so excited to see them all. I hadn't seen Tina for about 3 years, and I had never met Tai, although I talked to her on the phone and saw many pictures of her. She is even more beautiful in person! I just love her. She is such an Angel. Shortly after I got home and hung out with them, I started not feeling well. So once again, I had to retreat to my room. Only this time was worse. I could not hold any food down. It was just awful. Several hours just lying in bed, fully clothed with the heater on and many blankets, and I was still freezing. By 6pm or so, I started feeling kinda better, so I got out of bed for a bit. I had a small cup of Jello and some crackers for dinner. That was all I could manage to hold down. Shortly after eating, instead of getting really cold, I was sweating. Hmm, I didn't feel that the night before? But yep, my clothes were wet with sweat. Must be another reaction to the medicine.

For treatment #3, my dad took me to the hospital. Well, first I had to drink 48 oz. of water (I only drank 36 oz.) and have an ultrasound. OMG, talk about pain. That is the most awful feeling to have someone pushing on your bladder when it is full of water! Luckily it was over pretty fast, and I got to use the restroom... whew... After that, we went to my treatment. My dad came in with me, and Parker was my nurse once again. I informed him of my nausea the day before, so he was working on getting me a prescription for that. We were there for about 2 hours. Wow, how fast the time goes by when you get used to it. The prescription wasn't ready by the time we left, but I did get a call to pick it up anytime over the weekend. Same thing happened when I got home, I was able to hang out for a bit, then I got sick and had to go back to bed. I have to get completely under the blankets and be fully covered. It feels like the middle of winter and I can't move because the warmth of my body is only where my body currently is, so if I move anything, it gets really cold. Every time I start to fall asleep, the phone rings or someone comes in or something. It never fails.

My cousin Tina called me too. She was so helpful. She is going to come over next weekend and help me out. She is going to make some meals, clean house, and hang out with me for a while. I can't wait. I hate to have people over assisting me (Yeah right!) but I'm learning to accept help. Ruby & Barbara even volunteered to bring me some soup. And my old friend Amy called out of the blue, and she wants to take me to a few appts to, if there is a time that I don't have a ride. I can't believe how much everyone is helping out. Thanks everyone :)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

So I had my first infusion yesterday. Lori picked me up and took me. I have known Lori for so long, but I'm rarely vunerable with her. It was really nice to have a real good talk with her. I got to tell her of my weaknesses and fears. I told her how hard it was to go into the infusion room the first time. I was so glad that for my first infusion I was not alone. She sat there with me the whole time. I thought it was going to be about 1/2 hour, but it turned out to be about 2.5 hours! Wow, not what we were expecting. But the time went by so fast! Afterwards, we went home and I showed her how to make chicken soup. I knew I would not feel well, and that always helps. After that she left cuz she had to pick up Breanna from school. Reanna & Ben finished the last few parts of the soup. I had no clue how sick I would get. I knew I would get flu-like symptoms. But OMG, this was just the most awful thing I endured. I felt so sick and cold. I had on sweats, a sweatshirt, my Thorlos (the best socks ever!), my blankets, and I still felt cold. My whole body would not stop shaking. It lasted for several hours. How I was just praying that I would fall asleep, but that was just not happening. After a while, Reanna did give me a little bit of soup, but I wasn't very hungry, I just ate a few bites. After we ate, she came and lied down with me for several hours. At about 8pm, Sab kicked her out and he lied down with me :) I woke up around 1am, and felt so much better. Even now I feel a little better, until my next treatment in 1.5 hours!

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any friends. It's because I don't like to call and burden people. Well, on Tuesday night, after my PICC line was inserted, Ruby called me to see how I was doing. I don't talk to her often, but I have known her for so long - probably close to 20 years. Wow, I'm really revealing my age here :) The thing was, I don't know if she knew it was the right time to call or not, but she called when I really needed it. She told me things that I really needed to hear. And I felt so loved. I felt like what she told me really validated me. Wierd, how someone I rarely see and speak to could do something like that. But yep, it's true. I know I'm not alone.

Another good thing is that Lori also called me. She told me her day was free on Wednesday, my first treatment, and that she would be able to take me! I'm glad I asked her to come with me. I can be so stubborn and want to do things on my own. But it will be great to have a FRIEND come with me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

So yesterday I went to and got my PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) line. NP Grace Daun inserted it for me. I showed up at 9am, ready to get my line. I didn't get called into the exam room until 9:30am. Then once I got in there, I had to sign some disclosures, then Grace went over the procedure and my instructions on wearing this PICC line. By then it was 10am. I asked her how long it would be, and she said about another hour! Oh no, dh was in the waiting room, an I had no clue how long it would be. She she got everything ready, it was like a surgery. She covered herself up, as well as met too. She had some issues with the PICC pkg, but got them resolved shortly thereafter. It didn't hurt much, just a few pinches from the needles. After it was inserted, I had to go take an x-ray to make sure it went in the right place. So I go to the waiting room, and Sab is not there. Oh know, he had my purse with my ID & Kaiser card, so how was I to get an x-ray? I went to the x-ray dept anyway, and I told the lady my situation, and she let me in :) The x-ray took less than 5 minutes. So I go back, and Sab is there in the waiting room. He had gone to get something to eat, which is understandable because we didn't eat because we thought we would be out of there fast! So I go back to the exam room, NP Grace looked over my x-ray, and all was good. So I go meet with Tracy, the scheduler, and she gave me my schedule for injections. Wow, every day for the next month. I can do it!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

so lonely? I thought I might enjoy some time at home, with nothing to do. But it is lonely. Everybody works. I don't know anyone who is home during the day. I go online and send a few emails, check a few websites, but everyone is working, and I hate to send too many emails, but there is nothing else for me to do. I have no interaction with anyone all day. Well, Sab does call me at home several times a day. But he has to work too. And he works weekends. And all of my friends have kids. So even on weekends they are busy. Reanna is at school during the day, and hangs out with Ben after school. She is a teenager, that is what she is supposed to do. Then she goes to her dads on weekends. Normally I work all week, and I love my free time on weekends, but now it seems to be even lonelier. I have started reading, but you can only read so much. I could scrapbook, but that takes so much time & energy. I have the time, but not the energy. Plus it makes such a mess :) Like I care about that?

Friday, November 2, 2007

I should have started my treatment this week. The are going to put in a picc line before I start my treatment, and I can't even get that scheduled. I called on Tuesday, and Tracy, the scheduler, said they are booked and will try to get me in ASAP. I didn't hear anything from her, so I left a message on Thursday morning. She called me back in the afternoon to tell me Friday Nov. 9th, is a good day, at 10:30am. Well, yeah, that would be ok for me, especially since I'm not working. But I have an Ultrasound scheduled for 10:45am that day. So she said she'll call me back. It's now Friday morning, and no call. So it seems like it will be at least another week or two before I start my treatment. So I will be right in the middle of treatment around Thanksgiving. Fun. Guess that I'm not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. I'll probably be home. I wouldn't mind, if I knew that I'd have the energy to cook. But I don't think that's going to happen. So I'll probably be home. Alone with Reanna. If she is even with me that day.