Monday, October 5, 2009

Thoughts Per Raptor Player

A new season dawns upon us, and I have no idea exactly how we'll do, which makes it the most exciting season yet in the past half-decade or so. By the way, I'm writing this while sitting in a lecture - gotta love university - they keep finding new ways to bore you to death. Anyways, here are my first thoughts when it comes to each player, in no particular order:

Reggie Evans: he's mean, he looks unclean (which makes him look even more mean), and he's a rebounding machine. The closest thing to Charles Oakley we'll get, and we will enjoy it. Already pegged as the crowd favourite and a single game (season wise) hasn't been played. Forget Obama, THAT's PROGRESS.

Chris Bosh: like my friend Rubin once said: "CB4? How about 'CB4-he-leaves!'"? Get it? Got it? Good. *I must point out, I think Bosh is staying put - in fact I bet my friend $20 on it, and I intend to win it. Bosh (Jarrett-)JACKED up this summer, and visibly looks like it. Now will he actually play more inside? Only time will tell.

Rasho Nesterovic: Like Ludacris' second album - "Back for the first time." Somewhere in Indiana, TJ Ford is crying and bitching.

Marcus Banks: couldn't see the court from a bird's eye view.

Hedo Turkoglu: The Turkish Michael Jordan! I think he's gonna be great. There seems to be so much doubt, and they're not unwarranted, but I expect amazing results stemming from the Turk man. Call it optimistic, or call it 'smoking crack', either one's fine with me.

Jose Calderon: circa 2007 - already fighting for the starter's job..even though he is already the starter...right? Don't bring it up to the Raps coaches and management though, they'll hear nothing of it. I believe in JC - and I'm not talking about Christ. But its amazing how him and Jarrett Jack are already battling for the starter because Jack is..

Jarrett Jack: everything we wanted TJ Ford to be, except not AS fast (still fast), but much taller..and stronger...and not a ball hog...and not selfish...ok so maybe he's not that comparable to TJ Ford. You get the point. When it was Ford and Bosh, they were referred to as "the Texans" (on the Raptors website), and now with Jack and Bosh, will they be "The Roomates"? Stepbrothers anyone?

DeMar DeRozan: His name looks cool, so do his hops, but his handles look like Marcus Banks - ugly. He looks like Vince Carter a bit, I swear - and I hate Vince. I think it's the head/face shape, although his actual face reminds me of a cat. And not 'cat' as in slang for a friend/person, but an actual cat. Smoking crack am I?

Patrick O'Bryant: makes Loren Woods look like Schwarzenegger. Him and Marcus Banks should be Starsky and Hutch.

Quincy Douby: Comeback Kid.

Marco Belinelli: Kinda rhymes with"Manu Ginobili". Can he play a similar role? Although lets get something straight, Manu Ginobili is a world-class talent - the Argentinian Kobe. Back to Belinelli. He needs to shave. Bargs can pull off the scruff, Belinelli just looks like he was Tom Hanks in Castaway, with Don Nelson being the plane crash.

Antoine Wright: our Kobe stopper. Maybe our ONLY stopper? Group together Wright, Reggie Evans, and Jarrett Jack, and let's call them Voltron (Defender of the Universe).

Andrea Bargnani: my boy. This is it. This is the year he breaks out like a teenager with a bad case of acne. This is the year he shows the world that "Andrea", as female as it sounds, is a name to be feared on the basketball court. This is the season he makes his opponents think "When did Dirk learn Italian!!???" * I really hope he doesn't fail, he's gonna make me look pretty stupid then with my high hopes :0

Amir Johnson: G-G-GGG-G-Unit!!! He looks like Lloyd Banks. Is AJ the next Tayshaun Prince, or the next Jerome Moiso?

Sonny Weems: when I first read about the trade and saw his picture, I thought they mistakenly put Joey Graham's picture. No joke. Hopefully his game isn't either. Can we start calling him "Young Weezy"?

I think Raptors committed a huge a mistake the day they decided to let Vince Carter go. He was the bastion of the team and such a great player, possibly the best after Kobe Bryan in at the time. Things have changed ever since if69