Breaking podiatry/archaeology news: “Scientists have pieced together a new type of pre-human foot from 3.4-million-year-old fossils found in Ethiopia . . . Analysis of the newfound foot suggests its owner had an apelike gait and spent a good deal of time in the trees. . . the fossil foot has a separated, thumblike big toe—perfect for climbing and grasping branches.” VF Daily, well sourced in the 3.4-million-year-old society circuit, has landed an exclusive interview with the owner of said foot.

__VF Daily:__Hi!

Foot owner: Hi.

What’s wrong? You sound distant.

My leg hurts.

I bet.

Did they find an anklet?

What?

Did the scientists who found my foot find an anklet?

I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I can’t say for sure.

Because there was an anklet on the foot. And I’ve been looking for it for, like, a million years. Literally.

Yeah.

I just don’t understand where the anklet would be if not on the foot, you know?

What did it look like?

It had a separated, thumblike big toe—perfect for climbing and grasping branch—

No, the anklet.

Oh. It was gold. Not real gold, but it was the color of gold. It wasn’t expensive, it was just a present from a friend.