Monday, February 8, 2010

Steven Seagal vs. Steven Seagal

Now for those who aren't acquainted with the work of Steven Seagal, he is... Well, let's put it this way: Let's say you take all of the characters he has portrayed, then take an average of the capabilities, power, and the mortality rate of those characters. (This is a popular game amongst my friends.) You will find that based on an average of his roles, he is the most powerful actor in the universe, more powerful than Morgan Freeman, Tom Cruise, and Will Smith based on the average of their roles. As far as I know, he is almost always the lead character, has only played good guys, never has any faults, is a master of all marital arts (see first comment below), barely gets a scratch, and has only died in one movie, reluctantly (and even that can't be verified since the viewer never sees a body). And he has only gotten more powerful with time. With age he has grown slower, more frequently resorting to body doubles to do his work. Yet he has gotten more powerful as he requires the littlest of movements to block, and utilizes the littlest of force to hurl his opponents away as if he were a mighty gale wind. So with all of this in mind, I asked myself and my friends what would happen if you were to make a film with twin Seagals fighting each other, and this was the conversation we came up with.___

PRODUCER We thought it would be a great idea to have you (Steven Seagal) play twins that are forced to fight each other.

SEAGAL I wouldn't fight myself.

PRODUCER Hear me out. It's like "Double Impact," but one is a bad twin and the other is a good twin.

SEAGAL I'm the good guy.

PRODUCER Well, you are. But you also play the bad twin.

SEAGAL I'm always the good guy.

PRODUCER Okay, there just happens to be twin Seagals, neither one necessarily bad, and you end up fighting.

SEAGAL I wouldn't fight myself.

PRODUCER Let's just say hypothetically that there's two of you and you have to fight each other, who loses?