Search

Fellow natural women, a word of advice on couteous behaviour. When a powerful corporation creates a product that helps us to be more feminine, it is important to express our gratitude, as this will encourage said corporations to continue inventing further womanly goods. This is just what I have done today, when I discovered BIC Just for Her pens (pictured below). My Thank You letter to BIC can be found below, along with a photograph of my delicate, feminine hand, just waiting to lose its writing virginity upon its first physical union with a woman-friendly pen.

“Golden brown, texture like sun”. The opening line of The Stranglers famed song is pertinent to me as it evokes the image that I would ideally like my skin to project all year round. Sadly, in the north east of England, summer has rudely passed us by without even stopping to say hello and thus it has been challenging to achieve and maintain the perfect tan. I am very sad about this, since the beautiful, feminine, brown shimmer that I created by sitting by the pool in Spain for two weeks really brought out the colour in my eyes. Nevertheless, always reliable, the restless engine that is the beauty industry has stepped in with a range of modestly priced products to help ladies to achieve a sun-like texture.

First of all, let us contemplate Fake Bake for Teens, a fake tan designed with the adolescent lady in mind. The website implies that a teenage girl will need to buy four products (exfoliator, moisturiser, self-tan and instant tan) in order to achieve the perfect “look”. The names of the products are particularly useful (“Rough to Buff”, “Bland to Tanned”, “Dull to Delicious” and “Pasty to Tasty”) since they remind the self-aware reader how ugly she is without the Fake Bake chemical cocktail rubbed all over her virgin skin. As I have said before, the younger one can instil a low self-esteem amongst girls, the more positive the results will be in terms of their determination to strive for feminine perfection.

Here is me, sadly recalling my now faded holiday tan. Yet, true to my Great British heritage, I keep calm, carry on, and find a solution.

A feature in my favourite newspaper, The Daily Mail, has also informed me of a product that I am itching to try out. Apparently, with Skin Kiss Fake Tan Tights you can develop a bronzed look in “less than two hours”. Let me quote the rest of the Daily Mail feature on the tights in extenso:

“The hosiery works via a patented technology, which ensures microfibres in the tights contain tanning solution, leaving the wearer’s legs ‘perfectly’ tanned. Once used, the sheer tights can be washed and worn again and they come with a pair of plastic gloves to minimize the risk of getting stained hands during removal. Other Skin Kiss innovations include the Caffeine Tights, which are impregnated with microcapsules of caffeine to break down cellulite. Worn daily for a three week period, wearers reportedly saw the benefit of a 2 cm reduction on each thigh while the skin also appeared smoother.”

Magical tights that can reduce the circumference of my thighs by 2 cm in less time than the duration of my feminine cycle? “Unbelievable”, I hear you shout, but it was in the Daily Mail, so it must be true. Nevertheless, my sister Feminine Frances has warned me that the chemicals in fake tan have been linked to cancer, and so I have scoured the internet in search of organic solutions.

Organic tan 1: black tea

The website selftanningqueen.com recommends using tea to give yourself a home-made glow (and perhaps the caffeine will magically remove cellulite, as the aforementioned Daily Mail feature suggests). The instructions advise you to boil the kettle and brew an extra-strong pot of tea using ten bags, which is then transferred to a spray bottle and spritzed all over your naked body. I considered this process for a while and concluded that it would be easier to brew the tea in a bath tub. In case you are inspired to try this yourself, below is a photo-documentary of my experience.

It is best to use fair trade tea bags, as it means that you are a good person.

Add tea bags to hot bath water and dowse yourself in it. It may look like a toilet accident, but all must be endured in the pursuit of beauty.

Whilst waiting for you skin to absorb the tea tan, why not enjoy a cup or two?

Sadly, my bath was far from satisfactory. I emerged no browner, and the circumference of my thighs was not reduced.

Organic tan 2: cocoa powder

I was not best pleased with the results of the black tea. I was thus forced to place all my hope in this second solution, cocoa powder (or hot chocolate) mixed with face cream. This recipe comes from the website food.com, which perhaps indicates that it is also possible to eat the mixture, if the fancy tickles you. Again, please find a photo-documentary of the process below.

Mix ingredients and enjoy the chocolate aroma

Apply with finesse

The resulting look is quite like commercial fake tans: streaky and orange. Yet, it smells better. I am satisfied and feel quite feminine.

A final word of warning to the feminine woman. It has been reported that the cocoa powder organic tan is irresistible to dogs. Therefore, if you apply the mixture, approach dogs with extreme caution. Note this sad cautionary tale from Jt’s Mom on the food.com website:

“I can’t wait to try this (cocoa fake tan recipe)! I noticed that in the reviews that dogs love this. Dogs love chocolate and garlic. Garlic is healthy for dogs, however chocolate is VERY toxic for them. My friend’s Golden Retriever died after he got into a box of chocolates that were gift wrapped, under the Christmas tree and he only ate 5. Bless his heart. We all laughed until he passed and the vet told us why, it was so sad. Don’t know if there is enough cocoa in this to kill a dog, but it might make them sick (especially a little puppy). Just thought I’d caution those who are not aware of this.”

Perhaps a solution would be to add garlic to your fake tan, to counterbalance the toxic chocolate. If anyone has tried this, please let me know the result.

Until recently, I had thought that rape involved any sex that was non-consensual. I had also thought that it was easy for people to tell whether or not their partner consented to sex (just ask them?). However, in my quest to become a socially acceptable woman by paying attention to what mainstream culture says about being woman, I have learnt that rape is not as simple as I had previously thought. I have also learnt that the onus is on women to ensure that rape does not happen. It seems that it is important to talk about rape in these terms – as something that happens to women – because it emphasizes the lack of agency suffered by men when it comes to sex. If, as mainstream culture implies, women “provoke” rape, this simultaneously implies that men can’t control themselves. If some men reading this (and the rape prevention tips below) find this suggestion patronizing and ridiculous, this is probably because they aren’t masculine enough. As mainstream culture suggests, real, manly men exist only to have sex with as many women as possible, by any means necessary. If you think you are a man but do not act like this, then I suggest that you seek to become more masculine, by reading Nuts magazine or by using Lynx grooming products, for example. Meanwhile, women who wish to behave in the proper, feminine manner should pay close attention to the advice set out below.

Thankfully, the media has recently provided us women with plenty of pointers to help us to a) avoid rape happening and b) react properly if we fear we may have been raped (note that we are most likely to be mistaken if so). I have summarised these pointers into ten simple tips:

Don’t ever have a consensual sexual partner. This may be understood to mean that you consent to having sex with him for an indefinite period of time after your act of consensual sex (this includes without a condom but not sure if this includes post-death? If anybody can enlighten me, please let me know!) (Source: Julian Assange’s defense lawyer)

It is commonly known that foreplay is more enjoyable for many women than penetrative sex. As a woman, you may wish to enjoy foreplay without having full sex. However, if you do so, be aware that this may be taken as a sign that you consent to penetration. It may therefore be better to avoid all foreplay if you do not wish for rape to happen. In fact, it is probably best, in the presence of males, to look at the floor and only speak when spoken to, as friendliness may be interpreted as flirting, which we all know is always an invitation for sex (Source: see sources for tips 1 and 2).

Don’t be out of the house without a chaperone after dark, or get in a taxi by yourself. If you do so, you are “asking for it”, or in other words, consenting to sex with a) anyone else who happens to be in the street after dark b) the taxi driver (Source: UK Police anti-rape campaigns across the country)

Don’t have lots of sexual partners (obviously “lots” is a subjective term, so it’s probably best never to have sex with anyone, to be on the safe side). If you do, people may understand that you consent to having sex with anyone, anytime, and may jump on top of you at will. (Source: endless examples of court cases where a woman’s known “promiscuity” has been used by the defense, since, obviously, past promiscuity equals consent)

If you think you were raped and you become pregnant as a result of the incident, then you are mistaken about the rape. This is because, in “legitimate” cases of rape, it is impossible to become pregnant (Source: Senate candidate Todd Akin)

If you are a prostitute and you think you have been raped, then you are mistaken, because it is impossible to be raped if you are a prostitute (Source: any good Yahoo or Daily Mail discussion forum). By being a prostitute, you have consented to having sex with anyone, any time, in any way they want, with or without payment.

If, at any time, you think that someone has raped you, think twice about reporting it to the police, because it might be the case that the incident was “surprise sex” rather than rape. (Source: an actual comment that appeared on my facebook page in response to an anti-rape campaign poster. To quote the comment: “Simon calls it a ‘struggle snuggle’ or ‘surprise sex’ apparently the word rape takes the romance out of it (SIC)”. Please note that said “Simon” works as a police officer).

Oh, a couple more for the road. Don’t go anywhere near Dominique Strauss Kahn. Perhaps avoid George Galloway (and John Pilger and Tony Benn for that matter. But it’s not all doom and gloom – don’t forget that rape can be funny: just ask Jimmy Carr or Russell Brand! :)! Have a nice day!

In 1997 Sadie Plant’s book ‘Zeros and Ones’ explored the history of women’s unheralded influence on IT and technology. The book traced Ada Lovelace’s essential contributions to Babbage’s Difference Engine, as well as the tangible link between traditionally female activities, such as typing, weaving and forming networked communities, active, empowered online communities.

More than ten years on the IT industry still has a long way to go in terms of addressing its women and appealing to new generations of women. Since the 1980s, the number of female undergraduates in IT -related fields has decreased, according to the Computing Research Association. In 2011, roughly 12% of computer programming degrees were awarded to women.

A new wave of socially conscious technology users, led by organisations such as Future Gov, may help to educate the sector and give recognition to the creative value of a female tech-enabled work force. There have also been several clumsier pink-bow branded campaigns, but at least these recognise the need to address the gender gap in an industry which has a growing influence on our daily lives.

As with many service-based industries, success in IT requires empathy, problem solving and the ability to listen and learn fast. These are skills which place people first, before their machines, which is why it’s ridiculous when IT suppliers appeal exclusively to men. In fact they should be doing everything they can to stop the decline in female IT workers.

When sexist scenarios pan out in IT, they’re ridiculous because the effect is so jarring to an intellectually charged crowd. At 2012’s modestly titled ‘Internet world’, at Earls Court, the novelty of scantily-clad girls employed by a certain server hosting provider offering a passing group of female marketers leaflets was dead in the water.

Sexist advertising campaigns by cheap hosting provider, Go Daddy take irrelevance to new levels. Wikipedia’s offers an extensive description of their marketing:

Go Daddy’s advertising is produced in-house, and typically contains sexually suggestive material… CEO Bob Parsons refers to the marketing as “GoDaddy-esque” which he describes as “fun, edgy and a bit inappropriate.” Most of Go Daddy’s early TV ads starred former WWE Diva Candice Michelle, in some sort of sexual-related theme.

Needless to day, this defiant old school sexism, has invited a plethora of social media backlash, damaging the both the brand’s integrity and the image of the industry it’s meant to support. From a marketers point of view their adverts may raise awareness of their service, but that’s unlikely to lead to life long customers. Businesses may be motivated by the savings they offer, but at an immeasurable cost to their own reputations.

Fortunately, whilst certain elements of the tech industry keep prehistoric values alive, others forge ahead. A design and problem solving led approach is led by organisation such as Future gov, IDEO and ARUP’s drivers of change, which aim to harness technology in a people-focused and positive way.

In these times of economic crisis, our Leader-in-Chief Call Me Dave has decided to privatise England in order to create more revenue for the government. As well as the general sell-off of public assets, his policy includes cutting funding to such glorious institutions as universities. But fear not budding scholar, for when university departments with no immediate business benefits are long gone, and the arts, social sciences and philosophy are just a distant dream, University College London will still be able to offer you a degree (if you can afford it).

Some UCL departments have adapted well to the new capitalist model of higher education and are conducting research with high economic benefits. One staff member in particular has an excellent model: carry out innovative research that will heighten the body insecurities of all proper women, disseminate it at a national level, then refer said women to your clinic for a “confidence-boosting” solution with a hefty price tag. Genius! Well done Dr Malucci of University College Hospital and the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (or BAAPS for short, which is a little ironic, as you will see)! This is a little like the Nestle baby formula model, n’est pas? Call Me Dave would be proud!

Whilst reading that high-brow newspaper preferred by all top academics, The Sun, Dr Malucci was perusing page 3, that section of the paper where women do what they were born to and show off their feminine assets for the pleasure of good English gentlemen at least twice their age, and began (in his words) to “question what it is that make readers find these breasts appealing”. How could he find a solution to this puzzling conundrum? What important contribution could he make to society by coming up with the answer?

Dr Malucci decided to carefully analyse the breasts of one hundred of The Sun’s page 3 girls, then published his findings in International Journal of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgery. Ladies, this stunning research has found the key features that determine whether or not your breasts are attractive enough for Sun readers. First, the part of the boob lying below the nipple should be ten per cent fuller than that above it, “like page 3 Hollie or model Kelly Brook”. Dr Malucci goes on to explain, “The nipple meridian — a horizontal line drawn at the level of the nipple — (lies) at a point such that the proportion of the breast above it (is) 45 per cent and below 55 per cent…The more breasts deviate from these measures the less attractive they are regardless of size.” Great! now we can quantify how unattractive our chests are! Time to get your protractors out girls and check if you measure up for the discerning taste of Sun readers for, if not, Dr Malucci has created the perfect boob job just for you (lets hope that the feminazis have not got too near him or he might be forced to create the perfect nut job to correct the proportion of his injured testicles)!

Angles aside, in recent times I have become more and more concerned about the pertness of my breasts. As we are often reminded by the media in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, a woman’s breasts should be pert and perky, like two little Jack Russell Terriers eager to be taken out for a walk around the block by their owner. Sadly, as we get older, it becomes harder to maintain this pubescent ripeness, even with the help of a wonderbra. In these times of economic crisis, some of you may prioritise the payment of your mortgage above cosmetic surgery to correct the unsightly sagging of your breasts. Nevertheless, even the frugal girl can fight gravity by taking into account a few of the solutions presented below.

1) Hang upside down

Go to the park and hang upside down on the monkey bars or a similar apparatus for at least two hours per day. Instead of fruitlessly trying to overcome gravity, you can harness its power and make your breasts sag upwards instead of downwards (much more attractive and feminine)

Me and my two puppies fighting gravity in the park

Feminine Frances about to perform a breast dismount

2) Hydrotherapy

Thank you naturalremedysite.blogspot.co.uk for this incredibly useful pertness-producing tip:

“The next time you’re in the shower, spend a few minutes toning your breasts. Simply rinse your breasts with warm water for 30 seconds and then switch to the coldest water you can stand for 10 seconds. Continue alternating between warm and cold water for several minutes.

The cold water application must be for a shorter duration than the hot. It is also important to end the treatment with cold water. Do not apply water that is hot enough to burn. The hot application should be pleasantly warm.”

“i’ll tell you one secret that has kept my breasts firm all these years – whenever you shower and wash/soap your breasts, do it in circular motions.. left hand counterclockwise on right breast, and right hand clockwise on left breast.. i never realized this habit gave me a lifetime benefit…after 3 kids. :-)”

4) Put a potion on them

Get a Lovely Jubblies potion from your local Lush store, or all good witch doctors:

““Take care of your finest features with Mother Nature’s finest ingredients. Inspiring men and women alike, our rather brilliant breast cream is packed full of tightening meadowsweet infusion and firming tiger lily petals to help fight the forces of gravity. We add heaps of beeswax and organic oils of almond and avocado to soften your melons and keep them supple, (and to make it even harder to keep your fans at bay!) Smooth a generous amount over your décolletage area and leave your cleavage smelling like a fresh floral bouquet of orange blossom, rose, jasmine and ylang ylang.”

5) Ask God nicely

Here is a tip from the excellent website iloveprettykeli.com. If you want firm and perky boobs, you had better start praying pronto:

“I remember being 11 years old and my mother telling me “whatever you want just pray to God and ask him for it”. At this time I had my mind made up on exactly what I wanted and what I’d ask him for. So I said “Lord, please give me big boobs”. By 13 I was a 32DD. I wish my mother would’ve told me to be specific with my prayer and ask for FIRM and PERKY big boobs. Having big boobs is awesome, having them sag is not.”

6) Sellotape them

Check out this advice from Teri Hatcher, top Hollywood actress, quoted in an article on breastimplantsupport.org:

“Any model or Hollywood actress who wears fancy designer ball gowns knows how to expertly manipulate gaffer tape to mush, lift and hold your breasts like a bra. It’s a perfect temporary boob job.When you wear those complicated, low-cut dresses, and you’re 40, that’s how you can achieve perfect cleavage.” Teri had also confessed earlier this year that she regrets not having a bronze cast taken of her breasts when she was in her twenties, because they were perfect. She says “I think they should have been bronzed at some point because there was so much hysteria surrounding them. I suppose you could have worse compliments.”

Luckily, I was more foresighted than Teri Hatcher, and had my father pay for a bronze cast of myself back when I was age sixteen. If your father doesn’t have enough money to pay for a sculptor, try the following more cost-effective idea from Cosmopolitan magazine (one of the best magazines for learning how to be feminine as well as for advice on all important areas of your life such as pleasing your boyfriend, pleasing your husband, pleasing your male acquaintances and pleasing strangers who are men). Cosmo says, referring to your breasts, “do a topless solo photo shoot, and hide the evidence. When you’re 70, you’ll love to look back at how awesome they were.”

Look back and cry.

7) When you are still 18 years old and your breasts are at their perky best, use the Freezing Charm (made famous by Harry Potter and his chum Hermione Granger) to make sure they stay in place:

If you’ve been watching the Olympics this month, like me, you’ve probably become concerned about all the media attention that has been devoted to women competing in manly activities and displaying unfeminine personality traits such as ambition, competitiveness and strength. Not only are we seeing more women competing in sport on our television sets (quite rightly, we generally keep women competing in non-feminine sports off our screens) than ever before but also large swathes of society seem to be tuning in and even celebrating women’s sporting achievements. By day three of the Olympics, I was beginning to panic about this. How could so much female success been possible, when only 0.5% of UK investment in elite athletes is devoted to women (http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2011/nov/05/women-sport-point-five-sponsorship)? What sort of examples would we be setting for our daughters in terms of femininity? Where was the much-deserved recognition for the bodies and beauty of our more attractive female athletes?

Just as I was beginning to despair, Boris Johnson, the cherished ruler of our capital city, saved the day with a classic quote in his Telegraph column that put Olympic women back in their place and highlighted that their jobs as elite athletes are acceptable only as long as they maintain their more important roles as decorative eye candy for our male spectators. Boris, perhaps the best politician ever to grace our Earth (apart from, arguably, Silvio Berlusconi), helpfully pointed out that the “semi-naked women” competing in the beach volleyball competition were “glistening like wet otters.” Phew. Bojo has a lesson here for us all girls: if you must compete in sport, make sure you look sexy whilst doing so.

Did you know that Bojo is also an elite athlete? He does cycling, zip wiring, and swimming (in the river Wandle): Wow! Go Boris! Go Engerland!

Below is a picture of a girl. She is a baby, yet you can already tell that she is going to become a well-presented, socially acceptable woman one day. If only my parents had treated my sister and I in a similar fashion, we wouldn’t have to work so hard today to be more womanly and alluring. Indeed, I would have no need to be writing this blog today.

When we were children, my father enjoyed ironing and my mother made us wear trousers and play in the mud. Mum and Dad’s utter disregard for gender norms f*cked us up royally in the psychological department, resulting in one particularly unsavoury incident in which my sister and I shaved the heads of our Barbie dolls and burnt their plastic bodies to a shard. I’m ashamed and embarrassed, but it is better to share this uncomfortable memory so that the reader can learn from it. We must prevent such acts of violence against dolls that provide us with a body image that all girls can spend their lives aspiring to.

If you want your daughter to grow up properly, you must start young and make the importance of feminine gender roles, particularly the necessity for women to give an impression of constant sexual availability, clear from birth. Fortunately, gender-aware capitalism has provided us with a few little gems to make our jobs as nurturing mothers easier:

Make sure your daughter knows she’s on earth to sexually titillate with this delightful pole dancing kit “suitable for participants of 11 years and upwards”, previously available in the Children’s toys department of Tesco and Asda (before the feminazis had them removed). Note especially the pretty pink garter and fake money – perhaps a male member of your family could use the latter to play too 🙂

In the same regard as the kit above, check out this pole dancing doll. Cute!

Tasteful little thong for your seven year old. I especially like the heart with “eye candy” written inside, and the rectangle with “wink wink” on. Tee hee!

Give your girl some lovely playboy stationary to take to school with her. Who knows? Maybe she too might be a top role model for all young western women and become Heff’s next concubine (see below). We can all dream!

“Virgin Waxing” is the latest craze for young girls and their mums. The theory is, if you start waxing your daughter’s bikini line from age 8, before puberty starts, it will remove all the hair roots and nothing will ever grow back. A top example of preventative action against non-womanliness. Non?

We all know how helpful airbrushing is for women who have failed to look their best in photographs. Voila! The innovative “stylin’ studio” can help girls to learn how to airbrush away all their physical faults, as well as showing them a million other ways in which they could look better. Hurrah! I want one!

A great way to make sure that your daughter grows up always striving to look better is to lower her self-esteem from a young age. What better way to do this than by giving her a push-up bra before she’s even old enough to walk? Thanks Abercrombie and Fitch (a similar product used to be available in Primark, but sadly the feminazis struck again).

My Cleaning Trolley, “girls only”, cannot fail to make your daughter aware of the future domestic role that she must play.

Once again, Barbie brings us a little diamond. This time, with it’s “beautiful girl – press any button” yellow star, we have “Benign Girl”, which, I believe, fully embodies everything we should want from our girls. Benign. Thank you Barbie.

Once again leafing through the modern day woman’s bible that is Mujer Hoy (Woman Today. See blog post 31st July) I realised that the latino ladies depicted in the magazines – brunette, slender, olive-skinned beauties – were far more feminine than me. Something had to be done. Copying the pensive pose adopted by Woman Today‘s top model and expert in “tropical seduction”, I contemplated what to do.

I found that pouting my lips as if wishing to perform fellatio indeed does help the process of thinking, and I realised that, if I donned a bathing suit along with high heels, make up and excessive jewellery and headwear, I might appear more like a feminine-ideal and attract a moody gentleman such as he with crossed arms in the photo below, taken from Woman Today magazine.

After riding down to the local town centre in this outfit, my very own gentleman friend did indeed appear a little more moody than usual, but sadly he did not find the outfit particularly attractive. Furthermore, I found that trying to ride a motorbike in heels is not particularly practical, and I fear my trip to the village centre in swimming suit and headwear has made me even more of a social pariah amongst the local Andaluz community than I was before. I’m not sure what went wrong. Perhaps I should not have “ridden” the motorbike (leave the driving to the guys, girls), but merely stood beside it and stuck my bum out. That said, Don Francisco, father-in-law of the local Mayor, did ask if I’d like to join his wife and he for a jolly threesome, so maybe the outing was worth it after all.

Meta

On capitalist beauty

I have today been nominated to upload a #NoMakeUpSelfie to Facebook as part of the latest social media craze. At first, I was baffled by the campaign, which, according to status updates in my facebook newsfeed, had the aim of “raising awareness of cancer.” I found this confusing because I thought most people were pretty […]

WOMAN, the year is 1984 and you are the dictator of your body. Keep it under tight surveillance, bending it to the will of culture. You mustn’t forget that society owns your body, but you are responsible for its upkeep. Why do you sit like that, with your wicked unwieldy flesh spread out all over […]

As has been discussed elsewhere on the Capitalist Beauty tag and by Caroline Criado-Perez, the beauty industry has a water-tight business model: it feeds on women’s insecurities about our bodies (our vulnerability stems from the fact that we are taught, from girlhood, that our self-worth is inextricably linked to our ability to mimic constructed notions of beauty and […]

Once again I’m passing my summer in piropolandia (cat-calling land) aka Andalusia, where every young woman’s street harassment dreams come true. Whilst bronzing my bikini body by the pool, I have had the chance to sample the Andalusian edition of ¡Qué Me Dices! (Fancy That!), which is the woman’s Saturday supplement of the catholic right’s […]

@sssukiii brings us an insightful infographic to encourage us to think critically about what we buy: Ethical Fashion Guide. A few months ago I read this horrifying article about the corruption surrounding the Tazreen factory fire in Bangladesh. Workers sewing clothes for Walmart, Sears and MJ Soffe, were told to sit at their machines after […]