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This article was originally posted on my site thatsmyapple.com. Visit there for more pieces from Eve (IAteYourDamn) Apple.

I’d like to give a big shout out to the Connecticut Judicial System for creating this helpful new tool that tracks criminals just by typing in a bit of personal information. If someone’s committed a crime in the past 10 years, they pop up with a cute little description of their offense and sentence.

Thanks to this ingenious invention, I can now keep up with the lives and times of all my old boyfriends. It’s like Facebook but better.

In the name of full disclosure, I will admit that I’ve found 3 exes so far (and I’ve only just begun!). I’m sure there are a few guys from that hazy period in 1999 that would also be there if I could just remember their names. Or faces. Or anything other than the fact that there was one who had a penis the size and shape of a giant salmon. And finding that out was the end of the relationship because there was NO WAY I was letting something that big getting anywhere near my girl parts. And that, sadly enough, is all I can recall of my entire 16th year.

But now for the inspirational message:

May this story be a lesson to all of the stupid girls everywhere who date a whole bunch of losers in their teen years. Because if you wish hard enough for your prince charming, young lady, if you beg and pray and promise to revoke all your moronic ways, if you can prove to cupid that you’ve changed your mind about ‘saving’ every idiot pothead you meet, well then, YOU TOO can grow up and find the perfect ex-boyfriend, the ex-boyfriend who puts all the rest to shame, the ex-boyfriend you’ll want to spend your whole life being broken up with.

This article was originally posted on my site thatsmyapple.com. Visit there for more pieces from Eve (IAteYourDamn) Apple.