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Bro Breakdown: The Crossfit Bro

Ah, the Crossfit Bro. A very special breed of man. He is cosmetically engineered to look like a Greek warrior but upon closer examination, the only battle he’ll ever find himself in is the one against carbs. The crossfit bro looks like he could protect you in a fight, but don’t be fooled. His muscles are purely cosmetic and never practical. Much like couture, the more money you spend on something, the less you want to use it. I think our econ teacher calls it scarcity, but we just call it don’t break my shit, it’s expensive.

Much in the same way, the Crossfit bro spends hundreds a month on his head, shoulder, knees, and toes (or whatever). You’d think when it came down to an opportunity to use his carefully crafted body, he would jump rope at the opportunity, but he’d rather hire movers than pick up his boxes of Whey protein when it’s time to move apartments. On the plus side, it means he has money. Staying fit indoors is not cheap. On the downside, he uses it on making himself look like G.I. Joe so don’t expect presents unless they’re rewards for reaching fitness goals.

And he will give you goals. The crossfit bro will constantly try to recruit you to his fitness lifestyle. And yes, he considers it a lifestyle. He appears to have the best intentions but much like anyone who starts talking to you about Jesus on the street, you can’t help but feel unease at their enthusiasm to convert you. You might even try crossfit yourself, why not? You have a Class Pass and you’ve tried other workouts before. But he’s on another level and wants to set goals for you and calls it a “journey” when you work out. You can’t help but wonder, “what, am I not perfect enough for you?” A bro can only suggest you go to the gym so many times before you are fed up with the insinuation that you’re not doing enough. If anything, you’re doing too much. And so is he.

The main problem with the crossfit bro is his lack of personality. His attachment to his cult of fitness is a substitute for something more interesting. You know this because he won’t stop talking about Crossfit. Look, we brush our teeth everyday and have generally great dental hygiene but do you ever hear us talking about it? Literally no, because at least a thousand more interesting things happen to us everyday.

At the end of the day though, a Crossfit bro means well and is generally a sweetheart. There are worst bros in the sea, and even if he wouldn’t save you from a falling building, he could at least carry you out of a burning one. Just be prepared to eat nothing but kale and carrots with him.