At our most recent support group, we discussed living with chronic disease. Our guest speaker, a mental health professional that focuses on chronic disease, was extremely helpful in guiding our conversation. I guess it’s difficult for me to think of my condition, of fecal incontinence, as chronic disease. However, as with most bowel disorders experienced in our support group, the waxing and waning of symptoms throughout my life would define it as such.

Chronic disease and it’s impact on mental health can be severe. As I have shared before, mental health professionals and therapy were pretty heavy components in my healing journey from both the physical and mental ramifications of the birth trauma. In dealing with a condition day after day, a condition that is chronic, one needs to supplement their mental fortitude with strength from others as well as within. It’s not easy for me to know that I will be fecally incontinent for life. However, the facts remain that my sphincter is damaged, and without medical intervention, like the Interstim, I would be completely incontinent of feces. The fact remains that to this day I have good days and bad (mostly good), as well as a medical device that contains a battery that will have to be changed throughout my lifetime. The fact remains that I continue to have diet modifications, as well as, pelvic floor exercise suggestions that I am supposed to follow on a daily basis. The fact remains, I am living with a chronic disease, that, although manageable, can alter both physical and mental outlook.

So, what do you do when you realize that you are living with a chronic disease? According to our speaker, the number one realization that you need to make is that your mind and body are connected. So, even though your mind isn’t “causing” your physical body ailment, your mind can alleviate some of you physical symptoms, or in turn, make them a lot worse. Emotional distress can be the very thing that contributes to chronic disease symptomology getting physically worse. By recognizing this fact, often in treatment, one can pay attention to emotional stressors, thereby problem solving and potentially increasing tolerance for the emotional distress so as not to have it manifest itself physically.

Too often, our anxiety about a chronic disease creates a negative feedback loop that, in turn, creates real physical problems, exacerbation on the underlying chronic illness. It is only in recognizing this phenomenon that we can continue to heal our minds, in an effort to live with minimal disruption of chronic disease.

Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of engaging in a video shoot for Medtronic Interstim device for fecal incontinence. This video will serve to bolster Medtronic’s website for fecal incontinence by providing a real face, and story, to the issue. In coming to my hometown, Medtronic was able to interview me, my doctor, and my family, and capture the impacts on all of our lives from this phenomenal device.

After giving authorization, my family was included in the taping of this promotional video. In basing this video in reality, I thought it important to give the go ahead for my family to be portrayed. When trying to explain to my 6 year old daughter what the purpose of this video was, I found myself stumbling over concepts she may be too young to understand. When asked the question by my daughter, “Will this video be on TV for us to see?” I was able to give the easy answer of “No, it will be on the computer, on a website.” When asked the question by my daughter, “Will my friends be able to watch me?” I was able to answer, “Well it’s like an adult movie.” In summation, my daughter concluded, “Oh, OK, so we are making an adult movie for the computer website…cool, can’t wait to tell my teacher.”

UH Oh. Adult movie, computer website. I am seeing here that she requires more clarification. I show her my scar and proceed to tell her that the video is about “mommy’s surgery” and we will help tell others that need the surgery that they can get it and be happy and healthy families. Phew, bullet dodged. Although, frankly, sometimes talking about incontinence does have the same stigma as talking about “adult” movies.

I am a woman. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an educated individual. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am an advocate. I am me.

I am me. But, does everyone know the real me? Sometimes I feel as though I keep a major part of my life locked away, accessible to only those who I know will not judge nor stigmatize. Since the obstetric trauma, in March 2008, I feel as though I have compartmentalized pieces of myself. In starting my blog, in August 2011, I became an advocate. Though largely anonymous, my blog seeks to expose people to the very real ramifications of birth trauma, both emotional and physical. My journey in blogging led me to becoming a Patient Ambassador for Medtronic Interstim therapy, and a facilitator for our local bowel disorders support group. These two endeavors allow me to continue my advocacy in a somewhat sheltered and “safe” environment. Safe from judgement, safe from ridicule, safe from potential embarrassment.

I’m ready for more. Too often, very real medical issues are glossed over in society because of an “ick” factor, a stigmatization. I am ready to be a face of birth trauma, of fecal incontinence after childbirth, of PTSD after childbirth. This is me. I am a real person. I am a young women. I suffered obstetric trauma. I became incontinent of feces. I suffered PTSD after childbirth. I got the help I needed. I attended therapy. I became an advocate. I am a woman of triumph. I am ready to share.

I am ready to share with all. I’m ready to really “expose” myself in the hopes that I may reach people who may never have the courage to seek the help they need without having a very real person to relate to. I am ready.