The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.

Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.

If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.

“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”

“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.

“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.

“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.

In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”

Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.