Posted
by
kdawson
on Sunday April 26, 2009 @02:58PM
from the man-bird-pig dept.

mallumax sends word from the NYTimes that US government officials today declared a public health emergency over increasing cases of the swine flu first seen in Mexico. Here is additional coverage from CNN. From the Times: "American health officials [say]... that they had confirmed 20 cases of the disease in the United States and expected to see more as investigators fan out to track down the path of the outbreak. Other governments around the world stepped up their response to the incipient outbreak, racing to contain the infection amid reports of potential new cases from New Zealand to Hong Kong to Spain, raising concerns about the potential for a global pandemic. The cases in US looked to be similar to the deadly strain of swine flu that has killed more than 80 people in Mexico and infected 1,300 more." Reader "The man who walks in the woods" sends a link to accounts emailed to the BBC from readers in Mexico. While these are anecdotal, they do paint a picture of a more serious situation than government announcements have indicated so far.

OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Mexico, Friday (NNN) — A new strain of swine flu, H1N1, has killed up to 60 people in Mexico.

The virus is a mixture of swine, bird, human and computer viruses [today.com]. Symptoms include fever, fatigue, lack of appetite, popup ads, coughing, sore throat, a slow connection and an urge to throw one's computer out of a high window. The disease is thought to have started as a Windows virus on 4chan, a CIA entrapment message board for online activists, and can spread using the current Windows 7 beta.

Center for Disease Control officials looked at their huge stockpiles of H5N1 bird flu vaccine and said, "... shit."

Citizens have panicked at the prospect of bacon being put into quarantine and substituted with some soy-based shit. "Damn that Conficker!" shouted R. MacDonald of San Bernardino, California. "Damn it all to Hell!"

"This comment from me looks photoshopped," said Bruce Schneier, an American computer security expert safely employed over in the UK. "I can tell by the pixels and having seen a lot of shops in my time. I suspect this is the work of a viral botnet spider agent replicating Trojan comments across news services until their functionality is completely destroyed. WHATEVER YOU, DO DON'T LOAD OR READ MY COMMENT. p.s.: I love you."

Insufferably smug Macintosh user Arty Phagge was sanguine. "We know how to use condoms. And I'm a vegetarian." The Free Software Foundation announced the launch of OpenSwine, a disease generation and detection kit available for all to use and develop in perpetuity.

Britain will be protected from the swine flu virus by comprehensive filtering of the British internet, shutting it down entirely as needed. "Would you want your husbands, your servants, accessing the Internet?" asked Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "I put it to you that you would not."

Eh, its not so bad once you learn the syntax. It's amazing how many people believe God doesn't listen to their prayers, when all they had to do was perform some simple debugging. Alternatively, I hear you can pray in python now, though its significantly less responsive.

Alternatively, I hear you can pray in python now, though its significantly less responsive.

That tends to happen when you attempt to use a snake as your intermediary with God. Just be happy he doesn't get pissed off enough to toss your ass out on the street and foreclose on your home... assuming he hasn't.

Cashflow permitting, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea at this point to begin stockpiling cat food. No, seriously. Everyone with a feline child/companion knows they don't take kindly to changes in their diet. If a real, honest to god pandemic emerges, there will probably be supply-chain problems, and stores running out of things. Do you REALLY want to go on a hundred-mile quest to visit two dozen Petco and PetSmart stores until you find the one that still has ${your cat's food} in stock, and multiply your own potential exposure by ${number of stores you have to visit}?

Think about it. Your cat's food probably has an expiration date sometime next year. It's a safe thing to stockpile, because you're going to use it one way or another. If no pandemic emerges, well, at least that's one less thing you'll have to worry about shopping for until a few months from now. Don't forget the kitty litter, catnip, and flea medication. Figure out all the stuff you'd have to buy over the next 6 months anyway, and buy it now so it's one less thing to worry about. Just don't forget to keep it replenished as you use stuff until next year. Remember, the 1918 flu emerged early in the year, but didn't actually peak until October (and in October, it REALLY peaked).

Ditto, for hurricane supplies (if you live in Florida). You're going to have to buy the crate of batteries and nonperishable food in a month or two anyway. Go to Sam's club now, and get it over with. God forbid a hurricane hits in the middle of a Florida pandemic, sending millions of people who ought to be staying home foraging through Publix and Wal Mart for last-minute hurricane supplies... or worse, throws hundreds of strangers (at least a few of whom are probaby sick) together in a gymnasium for a day or two.

Buy a bread machine. The ingredients for making bread are cheap and have a long shelf life, and it'll come in handy if you find yourself really not wanting to leave the house for a while... but desperately wanting something to eat besides breakfast cereal, frozen pizza, and junk food. Just don't get into the habit of inhaling half loaf of freshly baked bread for breakfast unless you want to emerge from the pandemic alive, but 50 pounds heavier. Before you ask, bread uses NON-self-rising flour. While you're at the store, buy a jar of wheat gluten to add to the flour if the bread ends up being too dense (gluten makes the dough "stretchier" and more capable of rising).

If a billion died, that would be a bad thing. There are 6.77 billion people on earth (Apr 2009 estimate), so if 15% of the world died (1 billion), it would be catastrophic.

We haven't even begun to understand what happens when modern bodies decompose. It won't be pretty. For most of the 100 billion people that have lived and died on earth, most have been "all natural" people. They've eaten from the land, and haven't had any modifications done. In more recent years, that's changed. We have ingested more heavy metals than should even exist in nature. We have teeth filled with toxic materials; capped with toxic materials; bones reinforced with metal implants; cosmetic alterations done with synthetic implants; poisons injected throughout our lives (vaccines, medications, etc). On top of this, when we die we are filled with more dangerous chemicals, placed in a coffin inside a vault, which are made to last for at least 100 years. What would happen if 15% of the population died in rapid succession? The 100 year safety net would disappear. We probably wouldn't embalm our dead. Mass grave sites would take the remains, and let them rot in the ground. In a relatively short period of time, the toxins that we currently vault away in the ground would leach into the ground quickly, contaminating the drinking water.

But hey, I'm the eternal optimist. Maybe most people aren't all that toxic. ha.