A forum for members of the Northen family to share news, experiences, ideas and opinions.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Second Time Around

As most of you know my daughter Maya is getting married in September - September 9 to be specific. In the spirit of George Santayana admonition, "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it" she has been thinking about thinking ahead about how going into this marriage will be different different from the first and posted the following blog in her Lilies and Elephants forum.

Yesterday, July 10th, was my former wedding anniversary. Thirteen years
ago I walked down the aisle in a ballgown dress with six bridesmaids,
seven groomsman, and approximately 200 guests. The wedding was fabulous.
Basically my entire family on both sides flew in from out of town, some
for whom I know it was a stretch time wise and financially. It meant
the world to me, truly. The room was filled with people we'd each known
over the past 24 years, many that we hadn't seen in years. It was a
grand scale event that I became so wrapped up in planning that, in
hindsight, I realized I was more focused on the wedding itself than the
next 50 or so years of married life ahead. But at 24 years old and one
of the first of my friends to get married, that's what I did.

I think I knew, or at least had a nagging feeling, walking down the
aisle that I was making a mistake. But I'm a dreamer, with my head often
in the stars, and I thought I was being unrealistic wanting more than I
had - a good-hearted, steady, reliable man who loved me and wanted to
spend his life with me. I thought it should be enough. As it turns out,
it was not. We were not, as a couple. Had it, no doubt my life would be
drastically different than it is today. There are moments when I think
about how my life changed course on January 24, 2007, the day we decided
to split. But I have no regrets. It was the best decision for us both. I
believed it then, and I haven't doubted it a day since.

In part, I think I simply wasn't ready for any of it. Some people know
exactly who they are and what they want at 24 years old. I was not one
of those people. I didn't realize that at the time, of course - I took
the route I always expected I would. College, full time job, grad
school, marriage, house, plan for a family. It wasn't until the "plan
for a family" part began that I realized how unready for this life I
was. It's funny how one day you can wake up and discover "this is really
going to be the rest of my life if I do nothing about it right now."
You'd think vows such as "for as long as we both shall live" said in
front of 200 people including a priest would do that. But for whatever
reasons, it didn't. It was the startling realization that I could be
someone's mother, that if we had a child he would always be their
father, and that we'd be inextricably tied forever in that way, no
matter what else happened in our lives, individually and as a couple.
It occurred to me then how little we'd talked about the details, the
actual realities instead of the "one day"s. It felt almost like a
reverse Truman Show - like a story that I played a part in, and
suddenly it became clear that it was my life. We had moved along the
path in front of us. We had never questioned if it was the path we
should be following.

Today, I'm just under two months from my wedding (it's two months from
this past Sunday, but who's counting). I am almost 38 years old and have
lived a lot of life since my last wedding. I know it's given me
experience. I believe, or at least hope, it's given me wisdom. Now, my
fiance and I talk about the little details, plan for the actualities of
the future. Things as minor as interrupting our (very food motivated)
dog while she's eating, playfully tugging at her ears and tail to make
sure she doesn't mind, in case a future child did the same. We discuss
the larger aspects of life and the minutia, having a plan, yet being
able to go with the flow (OK the go with the flow is just him, I
practically plan out my underwear a week in advance). We thing of the
what ifs, even the unlikely ones. We have the difficult discussions now,
so that we don't have to confront startling differences we never
realized were there when a situation arises. We may not always agree,
but we have learned where each other stands, and how to compromise where
we must. We dream together, but also confront the facts. I certainly am
no expert in relationships. Less so in marriage. But I'd like to think
I've learned a bit along the long and especially topsy turvy road to
where I am now.

If I could give advice to anyone getting married, or thinking about it, it would be this:

1. Don't ever, ever, ever assume. I don't care if you have to ask 10
different times in 10 different ways to make sure you understand each
other - not that you always agree, but that you know where each other
stands.

2. Every answer to the above doesn't have to be a yes or no. If you
don't know, say it. There are some questions I can answer with much more
certainty at 37 than I could have at 27. It's better for someone to
know you haven't made up your mind than to be surprised when you change
it - especially about something major.

3. Compromise is incredibly important and it's not always 50/50 in every
individual situation. In the end, it should about even out, but don't
keep exact score.

4. Sometimes, a topic may be so crucial that you don't feel you can
compromise. Pick your battles, but stand your ground when it matters
most. Otherwise, there's a high chance of bitterness and resentment down
the road.

5. Don't count on anything outside of the two of you to make your
marriage happy. If your marriage will only be happy if your life
together goes exactly as planned - ideal home, family exactly as you
imagined, jobs on the current course, etc - you need to reconsider. Your
partner should be enough for the marriage in and of themselves - not as
part of a larger plan that comes along with them. Because we know what
happens to the best laid plans.

6. Don't count on either of you changing, but understand that everyone
does in some ways. Meaning this: love and marry the person for who they
are in this moment, not for who you think they could be or who they used
to be. At the same time, everyone evolves and grows, or so you hope.
Shifts in each of you, with age and experience, are almost inevitable.
Allow each other some leeway, especially as the years progress. I
personally wouldn't want my spouse at 64 to be acting like they did at
24.

7. Sh*t is going to happen. This basically an absolute given. To you as a
person, to you as a couple. The things you never expected to bother you
will. Things you expected to worry about for years to come, you'll get
used to. When these things happen, know that you're in good company,
and try not to let it discourage you.

As I start dotting the i's and crossing the t's of the details for my
next wedding, I can feel a glaring difference between my first wedding
and this one. We have a total of two people in our bridal party, one on
each side. We're having a 15-ish minute ceremony at the same site as our
reception. There will be about 65 guests instead of 200, a good number
of whom are between the ages of 1 and 14. We're not doing a shower
(bridal, I am showering) or a registry. I personally don't care if
everyone - that's not in the actual wedding - shows up in their PJs.
What I do care about is that half of the time our discussions about
wedding plans dissolve into laughter. that we enjoy cooking dinner
together as we discuss our plans, that what we can't wait for most is
the opportunity to spend our lives together, whatever that may bring.

1 comment:

Also, an appropriate quote (in terms of not learning, not in terms of a second marriage) supposedly by Einstein but I think that's been questioned: "Insanity is doing the same over and over and expecting different results." Thanks for sharing my post!