Month: August 2015

I find myself writing to you in my darkest moments. The moments that make no sense. The moments I can’t stop crying. And really, I feel broken. I’m waiting for the void to be filled up with all the wisdom you passed along, but right now, it’s just stocked full of tears. I am officially sad. There’s no other way to put it. I’m sure writing your celebration of life ceremony isn’t helping. And you know what the hardest part is? I keep wanting to call and ask you what I should say. It’s so difficult to put you into words, because I’m not sure words exist to describe the amount of joy and goodness you added to the world. So I’m stuck. I keep meditating on it and I keep finding pennies on the ground…..so I know you’re with me through this.

SO, I’m going to reach out on this blog and ask folks for their help in writing your ceremony. If anyone has suggested poems, for instance. Or even a reading from the scripture (as long is it’s not too Jesusee……you asked that this shindig not be religious)….I’d love suggestions and thoughts from the folks reading this blog. Please feel free to message me or even comment. Your comments might help someone else at some point, too. And that takes me to my next thought.

As I was cutting the fabric to make two baby quilts late last week, I got the call from the fertility clinic letting me know we’re not pregnant anymore. So there’s that. The quilts are gifts, so I wasn’t jumping the gun or anything. I’ve learned my lesson on that front. But it got me thinking about a lot of stuff……like WTF is going on?!?!?!?! Did I do something bad when I was young and it’s coming back to me now? Did I do something bad in a past life????? Why is 2015 proving to be such a shit show? And I realized the reason for all of this. And I believe it’s the reason for all bad things happening. I am becoming a better person. I am more empathetic. I can help people more than I could before. I’m a better listener. I don’t always know what to say, but all of these things that are happening make me so much more present. I swear I can hear every heartbeat right now. It’s nearly unbearable, but it’s also making me stronger and more connected to the universe in a way I didn’t even think was possible. And I’m looking forward to the day when things quiet down a bit. But now is the time to embrace all of this with openness and pureness. And once again, you continue to teach me, dad. And what a beautiful gift that is. What a beautiful gift life is.

In a nut shell, here’s the scoop:

I’m writing your celebration of life ceremony and would love to hear from the folks reading this blog to help me with poems, scripture, stories about you, etc…

We had another failure on the fertility front and it sucks.

I’m making baby quilts for my awesome friends that are having babies.

You continue to teach me so many things, dad, and I’m thankful.

AND, danny and I got a new mattress and I love it and I still don’t sleep, but I still love it (that’s just a side note….I didn’t mention that in the body of this message, but it’s a nice thing to celebrate!)

It’s been about six weeks since you passed. You already know that, of course. I keep trying to not keep track of that part of things. It doesn’t really matter how long you’ve been gone, I guess. The fact is, you’re gone and I miss you and I will always miss you and I’m so sorry you got sick, dad.

I love you.

c

p.s. Thank you for always letting me scream madonna songs at the top of my lungs. And not just me, actually. Thank you for letting me and all my best friends scream songs at the top of our lungs. I wouldn’t be a singer had you not allowed that. And my friends wouldn’t be patient mothers. So thanks.