Nick Offerman Wants To Open His Own Scotch Distillery

All Nick Offerman wanted to do was start a Scotch whisky distillery in Scotland. The actor, woodworker, and noted fireside whisky aficionado had already staked out a spot and picked a name: the Offerman Distillery. Unfortunately for him, Scotland doesn’t let any random chap — no matter how famous that chap is — start distilling.

In what turns out to be a three minute advertisement for Talisker, Offerman goes through all of the emotions of trying to start a business. First comes the excitement and explanation of why Offerman is the best man for this business.

“As a man who cares deeply for others, I’ve always enjoyed giving people whisky,” an emailed press release reads. “And as a human with great taste, I’ve always enjoyed drinking it. In my valiant effort to do both, I have decided to open my own whisky distillery on the Isle of Skye in Scotland.”

Nothing is that simple, however. First, Offerman finds out about the background check. Then he’s asked if he has any pets (no). Then comes the licenses and the permits. Then he finds out it’ll be 23 years before he gets his first bottle produced. So he settles for a whisky stand in front of the Talisker distillery — an interesting choice for a man who sat by himself and drank Lagavulin for 45 minutes in a video that’s been seen more than 3 million times.

His whisky stand, of course, is also illegal. Nothing is easy in this world. Not even for one of the most famous Scotch drinking Americans in the modern era.