Internet will Collapse: Bieber and some chick split

I was going to start this article with “This generation’s Britney and Justin” but then I slapped myself and had a long hard think about life. I’m tired. I am so sorry to have failed you and myself as a person. Let’s move on.

This generation’s Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Llyn Michaels known as Justin Bieber and That Hispanic Chick Who Dates Justin Bieber have reportedly split up after two years. The official word from their camps is that Bieber decided his ego had grown large enough to constitute a person and wanted to date it instead. He has already told his ego to lose ten pounds and to stop demanding so much of his limelight.

That Hispanic Chick Who Dates Justin Bieber is going to have a real identity crisis now. Who will she become now she isn’t dating tiny tantrums? Allegedly, she’s an “actress and singer” and basically appears to be a shitty version of Demi Lovato in all avenues. Wow. I never thought i’d write that line.

ABOVE: Not Selena Gomez

Maybe That Hispanic Chick could get a job judging on a talent show as that seems to be the thing that people are doing these days. How about Austria’s Got Talent. I’m sure someone can spin her as the right girl to judge people clog dancing and playing the spoons. Maybe she could just take up playing the spoons actually. Then she’d be known as That Hispanic Girl Who Dated Justin Bieber, Now Plays the Spoons.

Apparently she dropped the Beaver because he wouldn’t stop taking her to P!nk concerts and she was fed up having to split up brawls about who can build an Ikea shelving unit the fastest.

Above: These girls. These girls can build the Ikea shelves the fastest. They win.

Or maybe it’s because he was all up in some Victoria’s Secret model’s grill and trying to bump nasties behind her back or something. I really don’t have a bag of shits to give about this story to be quite honest but I’m sure anyone under the age of 20 might so here’s the article. Expect Bieber fans to be like this with People magazine all year now.

My real concern is how the internet is going to cope under the weight of a billion girls calling That Hispanic Chick an attention seeking whore for breaking Justin’s heart by not wanting him to bang other chicks. She’s such a demanding girlfriend!