After watching the horrendous footage of an Asian doctor being beaten and dragged from a passenger jet, President Donald Trump has ordered missile strikes against United Airlines as a response for what he has deemed “horrible brutality.”

Trump, speaking before reporters, stated that “Even beautiful doctors were forcibly removed from the flight. No child of God deserves to suffer such horror.”

Trump’s response involved the launching of Tomahawk missiles against the United Airlines terminal, a strike that cost only $9 million, bolstering Trump’s reputation as a financial conservative. According to Trump’s official statement, “many, many planes” were destroyed and the amount of damage was “huge.”

Democrats in the House and Senate responded with fury, however, demanding that Trump also damage the runway and bomb all other airlines at the airport. Republicans denounced Trump’s refusal to use the word “radical Islamic terror” when describing the incident.

Hillary Clinton immediately took to the airwaves to demand that Trump bomb all airports, destroy all planes, and kill all passengers in the Western Hemisphere. She stated that she argued this plan to the Obama administration. Unfortunately, the President was too busy killing civilians in foreign countries to focus on murdering them at home, an example of how the U.S. government is so starved of money from low taxes to operate efficiently.

In the course of addressing reporters, White House spokesman, Sean Spicer reiterated Trump’s own statement that the forced removal was “horrible” and “brutal.” “Even Hitler did not resort to forcibly removing passengers from jets,” he said.

In a show of force to other airlines, Trump ordered the Navy to aim its guns at American Airlines, Delta, and Lufthansa. Trump stated that he wants to send a message to all airlines that, regardless of whether or not they did anything wrong, they can be subjected to missile strikes, airstrikes, and nuclear war if his public support drops, Israel feels “threatened,” or the military industrial complex decides such a conflict to be prudent.

In other news, Americans spent at least two full days bickering over a virtual non-incident while the very real prospect of World War Three looms over their heads. Some analysts are suggesting the possibility of focusing on real and important issues as opposed to contrived trivia, peddled to the American public for the purpose of distracting them from important affairs.