Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.Homer Simpson~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"~~~~~~~~~~~

Bernie and Abe are having a drink together in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe's recent promotion. They had been drinking for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts, I slept with your mother, Abe. There was a hush as everyone listens. Bernie again shouts at Abe, I slept with your mother, Abe. Abe replies, I know. Why don't you go home now, Dad, you're drunk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a wee." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

If size matters, you should be very happy with the size of that joke list today.

If bigger is better, you'll love the serving portions in the diner.

I know some of you have huge appetites.

You'll dig the colossal menu as well.

I'm absolutely positive you'll be thrilled with the size of my............optimism.

I'm sure it'll be a big day for each of you.

Speaking of big, I have an ear ache the size of my sister's big............ feet, so I'm going to go take some BIG pain relievers and go beddie bye.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe

Edited by gymcandy1 (08/04/1312:32 AM)

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There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

Good Morning Joe, Ana and Haroula. Joe I hope your earache is better. Ana come on over to the naughty corner. Maybe we can help. Hope you are feeling better today too. Haroula how about a walk on the beach? Cailyn the coffee is ready. Happy Day wished for all!

Good morning. Thanks Joe for your openers. I've missed you guys. Life's been getting in the way lately. I have an early shift this morning but I wanted to stop in and say hi. I hope you all have a great Sunday. Please find a little time to exercise. Morning MaG

Good morning everyone. Joe, I hope your earache is better this morning. Breakfast out after our walk. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish, Bacon, Sausage, Eggs, Pancakes, Hash Browns, Muffins, and Toast in the NC.

VA son and family are back home resting from their long drive yesterday...at least, I presume they are. I'll call later to be sure but don't want to wake them up.

I think eldest has to work, but he is still sleeping at the moment. Keoki is still on lockdown as we had a kid incident while company was here. I left the kitchen to come down and socialize and in about 2 minutes, Keoki joined me Down the Stairs in the den One of the girls had gone to the kitchen to get something and left the door open. So we are back to carrying him and doing K laser treatments. KISA had the genius idea to move him to the dining room where kids don't go which made life much easier. He is putting weight on that leg this morning, so once again, I'm encouraged.

It was really great having the kids (little and big). The cousins played beautifully together and even put on a skit for Big Soot on his b'day. It was hysterical and memorable.

I cooked a lot, as I always do when the family is around so my back is a'talking. I plan to do a lot of newspaper reading today and meal planning and not much else.

Soot and I watched 42 last night. We enjoyed it, but I think it would have been better if a little more of both Branch Rickey and Jackie Robinson's early life had been shown. We saw what happened but not really what shaped both men early on.

Tomorrow I must book cook, so I'm resting my brain and my body today. Poor Soot needs a vacation to recover from his vacation.

Back later.......

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"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

Afternoon; sunny day after 2 days of rain. Know it had the wheat farmers worried but should be okay to continue harvest tomorrow.Busy morning with church, a Baptism, Communion and a pot luck after. Think I'm stuffed and ready for a do nothing rest of the day.

Joe, hope you feel better. Earaches can be so painful.

Ana, hope you break the writers block.

L4L, may Keoki improve quickly.

Hi, Midgie.

Have a great day all Boomies.

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Reading is to the mind, what exercise is to the body - Joseph Addison