Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie still aren't gay

From the moment that Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie were first introduced, rumors have swirled that the two are gay, simply because they share a bedroom, regularly visit each other in the bath, have demonstrated zero interest in girls in over 40 years, and remain devoted, even occasionally affectionate roommates despite the seeming incompatibilities of their personalities and frequent bickering, which suggests a much deeper bond than even most friendships. That, plus all the palpable sexual tension. But as it’s forced to do every few years or so, the Sesame Workshop has once again issued a statement denying that there’s anything going on there, this time in response to a recent petition from Change.org demanding that the show allow Bert and Ernie to become a married couple as an effort to teach tolerance to children—a campaign that quickly became fodder for numerous news programs looking for something, anything to talk about besides the economy and riots.

Anyway, here’s the official response, which is basically the same one that’s been issued since it first began arriving on fax machines in the 1990s: “Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.” Oh, so puppets don’t have a sexual orientation? Well, how do you explain Miss Piggy then? She’s pretty clearly into dudes, be they amphibious or Charles Grodin. REMOVE THE VEIL OF LIES, SESAME STREET.