Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

Thats the same question I have been searching for answers. My search is still on going and others tell me I may never know so get over it and put the past behind me, but I find it haunts me. I've been searching for over 13 years.
I had my first abuser call me out of no where and apologize and tell me what he did wasn't right. He couldn't tell me a really reason why he felt it was ok then for him to do it, only that he knew it was wrong. I forgave him. I know longer feel I am vicitmized by, him but if I could get the my other abuser to say he was sorry and answer the questions maybe then I could really start to heal.

An extremely good book to shed light on the abuser's psyche is &quot;Men who hate women and the women who love them&quot; by Dr. Susan Forward. Dr. Forward does an excellent job explaining the narcissistic personality that feels entitled (which is a key word here) to control his entire realm, including those he should be loving and nurturing. Dr Forward also NEVER uses this personality &quot;disorder&quot; as an excuse for behavior because they do have control over it and they know that it is wrong. They simply choose not to because they believe that the &quot;rules&quot; of human decency apply to everyone else except themselves.

Interesting thing about them admitting they are wrong: This is usually another manipulation - ask for forgiveness and expect absolution and to &quot;forget&quot; whatever happened. This ususally plays on the compassionate trait that most abuse victims share - that ability to look past people's faults to love them anyway. An abuser can really take advantage here and this can be a dangerous situation when the victim falls for it.

Another good read, and I suggest it often, is Patricia Evans books &quot;The Verbally Abusive Relationship&quot; and &quot;Verbal Abuse Victims Speak Out.&quot; These are good for both victims and their loved ones because they help to explain what has gone on inside our brains while being abused - why we are so frozen and why we simply cannot leave. As an outsider looking in, these books can be a great resource in you being able to understand what goes on inside the minds of both the abuser and those who have been/are being abused.

I, too, have been trying to figure that one out. For 8.5 years I've been putting up with a lot of verbal &quot;spewing&quot;. When I later try to explain how awful it made me feel, I get cut off by him.

I joined the anger management community to so that I might gain insight into this awful behavior. The closest I can come to understanding is that they have some kind of system overload and have never been properly nurtured. Therefore, criticism feels inordinately cruel to them. Maybe they BREAK down when someone tells them how bad they are behaving. All I know is, I've yet to really be able to finish when trying to explain to him...
jericabee

Another very good book on this subject is &quot;Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry anc Controlling Men&quot; by Lundy Bancroft.

These men do it for control. Pure and simple they have a need to control their environment. They feel entitled to abuse people because they think they are always right. I always say my stbx thought that if he said it it was true. He would never let me talk, just yelled over me. The book is incredible, and give some insight into these men, and also into how to deal with them. Lundy Bancroft provided court ordered counseling for many many men convicted of domestic violence. Also, you should be aware that only a very small percentage of men are ever helped by counseling. It is best to just get out of this relationship...the chances are 98% that it will never never change, except to get worse. It's never to late to leave.

Abuse is not about anger - it is about control. Anger Management is a dismal failure for abusers because they are not angry - they are only utilizing an anger type response (yes, they are &quot;acting&quot; angry) to maintain control (i.e. if he acts angry and out of control, you will do anything you can to make him stop).

Some of the brightest and most compassionate people have made the mistake of asking an abused woman what she did to make him angry. Little do they know that this is the WRONG thing to ask, because it implies that the victim has caused the abuse - she caused it by making him angry.... Please, if anyone makes that mistake, use it as a teachable moment. Explain that the rages are a mechanism to gain and maintain control, not generated out of anger.

So when a person is abusive it's not about them being angry...it's about them wanting to control? My sister's husband sure seems to get angry easily (at traffic lights, when someone questions him about anything, when he feels disrespected) and he lashes out to quiet them. So when abusive men lash out and overpower others they feel in control but are not really angry? I'm a little confused about that.

Another big thing to remember is, men are predators. They can SMELL when a woman has been abused in her past, and will deliberatly seek her out.
They will also use whatever works to get a woman emotionally weak. Money and sex are two things they use to make your mind get swirled.
He will sex you up better than anyone you have ever known, and then its on, he will show his behind to the fullest.
This is why I say keep your clothes on until you know exactly what you are dealing with. Abusers NEVER show their behind right away, they are the most loving, charming, friendly, comical, polite, well mannered person you know until he shows his true colors which happens when you develop feelings for him.
Time will show who a person really is. They like to get married real fast too, like in a few months or less, then get mad when you wont comply. He knows once that ring is on the finger he &quot;owns
&quot; you.
God help them and the mothers who raised them.

I spent 14 years trying to work through the abuse after my divorce. Now, I sit here today in stunned amazement as my son let lose on me with the exact words his father used to use strictly because I dared tell him not be abusive to his g/f and my dtr and I in my house.

My new b/f who has been very charming, atractive and loving points out the son's abuse and then turns around the next day and says the same thing to me because I don't want to commit after 3 weeks.

I am sure they aren't all like that, but sure as heck some of them are.

Revpatty is right...abuse has nothing to do with anger. Anger is a part of a larger whole and that larger whole is control. They want absolute control over everything. Period. Societally they get positive reinforcement from these actions by being seen as &quot;large and in charge&quot;. The only people that see the devil within these men is us, their partners/wives/children/girlfriends.

I spent several years trying to figure out why my ex abused me, hated me, raped me, beat me. Want to know what I finally came to several years after I finally got out? I don't give a damn what is in his head. He could explain until he was blue in the face and it is still not going to make sense to me. I just do not think like that and I never will. I do not understand it on any level. The difference now is that I can see it. I couldn't before, which is how I wound up in the relationship in the first place. He saw me coming a mile away. He saw my compassion, my insecurities, my strength, my pride; he saw the perfect alcoholic abuser's wife. He was right. That is exactly what I was. I was strong and silent and beat to hell. I could live through abuse that should have brought me to me knees and then kept silent about it. It took me 5 years to figure out that this isn't how a relationship should work.

Long story short (if it is not too late for that already)...I do not give a damn what is in his mind. I only need to worry about what is in my mind and my ability to recognize his mindset in others and then avoid it like the plague.

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??

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