Some knew me as Half-Bengali Half-Russian model Liliana Alam. Others knew me as multi-talent genius TheAnomalyInfinite.Others as silly Lili.I've done many things and known many lives,all irrelevant.What am I really?That's an answer best left to time.Because "What are you when you devote yourself completely to an ideal?....You become something else entirely.... And what is that?
****LEGEND****"

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Sunday, November 27, 2005

In the world of medicine, the normality of an individual is directly related to his/her biological construct. If a kidney functions as it should, the individual is deemed healthy. If it fails to perform its function, the individual is dubbed sick. This system follows throughout the rest of the human order, from government, to educational systems, to psychological studies, to practically everything else. Regardless of race or location, all of man kind follows a set of rules designed to best protect every individual living within that system and ensure his/her obedience to it to receive its rewards. It matters not to the world that Albert Einstein, considered to be one of the most influential people of theoretical physics, was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder at age 12. Or that Kurt Cobain, a radical musician, was a known bipolar case. The world cares about their contributions, but cares not of what went on inside their minds to create such contributions. If a person, any person, genius, or Joe Bloe, is biologically different from the majority, he is defined as diseased. He is therefore to be treated, and helped, because his condition does not allow him to be an adequate member of society. Open your minds, just a bit, and I hope that I may bring a new perspective to this assumed truth.Why is a dysfunctional kidney a detriment to its carrier? Without a kidney, one would be unable to digest food, without digestion of food there would be no calories equating energy for one to perform tasks, without one’s performance of a task there would be no output of used energy, without this output of energy a system loses a part to its well-oiled machine, without the machine the system cannot survive, without the system all the ones who depend on it cannot survive, without their survival the human race will become extinct, and extinction is unfavorable. In Chinese philosophy, death is looked upon as a celebration, a release from the burdens of the physical earth. We do not know why we die, although there are many opinions on the matter. If evolution has taught us anything, it is that any matter can be looked at from many different angles, and perspective is the determining factor of any given solution to a problem or answer to a question. The majority of our world believes that a failed kidney is a problem, this was the reason for the first witch doctor shaman, to the present neuroscientists. We have advanced in our knowledge of the operation of the human body to be able to pin-point most abnormalities down to the neuronal and even genetic level and fix them. We fix them because they cause pain, limitation, or to their carriers, they bring death, and all are unfavorable. The human being busies himself as much as possible to prevent thought. But if we look at the bigger picture, the cosmic question of the meaning of the universe itself, not simply understand how we are here or how the universe came into being, but why it did. Perhaps the human urge to fix is a bit too arrogant and simplistic. The fatalists say that nothing is coincidence, and everything happens for a reason. Using this argument one could say that if you caught the Ebola virus, you were meant to die. But the existentialists believe that free will is the cause of the universe, and thus everything you experience can be controlled. In this argument, medicine is perfectly logical. Psychological diseases such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, ADHD, hypomania, and so forth are labeled diseases because scientists have observed that they affect the biological function of the body. Just like the question of the universe, many know how these conditions occur and how to treat them, but nobody questions whether they may have a reason for appearing that is not a negative one.

“now the insane person (or, these days, the one thought to be missing the proper responsibility-gene) is neither for or against the society in which he or she lives but is, nevertheless a disturbance to it..... a disturbance that must be accounted for. Our society, America in particular, has found it hard to deal with what appears to be the non-rational .... (rationality always defined in terms of what a society calls rational). What our thinkers resort to is to shift the inexplicable into one or another psychological and/or sociological categories, thus solving the problem of the irrational person, and so negating his or her act.” The Warriors, Sol Yurick.

Responsibility for one’s own actions determines maturity in many societies. If one works hard in school and applies oneself, this serves as a basis for a sturdy college education, which leads to a prominent career, and thus benefits the greater society. If one makes a choice not to work hard, and not follow the general pathway, that individual should accept the consequences of their choice. Much of the working class is irritated at the homeless and criminal population because they feel that they have made a choice and instead of accepting their consequences, live parasitic lives which drain the working man’s salary and energy. Psychologically diseased people are excused from this labeling, because they are defined as unable to make such choices because their cognitive ability to rationalize is affected. They therefore are looked at as children. It is rarely questioned that perhaps the mind itself consciously decides to “disease” itself.

I have been diagnosed as bipolar, schizophrenic, ADHD, by different physicians. What is their basis? That I have frequent mood swings in which I ride the high of euphoria then plummet to the depths of despair, that my thoughts are fast and uncontrollable, that my behaviour is irrational, basically any adjective or action which shows a complete lack to adapt to the set system of life. And yet, I have worked in a variety of jobs from the conventional 9-5 to the unusual, gone to university, graduated from high school (early- 3 years), have self-taught myself everything from playing instruments to drawing to hair dying. I can understand a psychological perspective of why psychological diseases are considered detrimental to life, but what most psychologists fail to understand is that having these supposed symptoms actually allows the individual far greater opportunities than the average human. It is comparable to X-Men "mutants" who don't fit in society, and yet with their powers can do things which humans are inable and completely unaware of being able to do. I truly believe that anyone, anything, is capable of doing anything. However, many people believe in the words "impossible" and "unrealistic" when it comes to many aspects of life. I think what bipolarity, schizophrenia, and other such conditions allow the human who possesses them to be able to think outside of the system, to see the impossible as a real option, to not be bounded by law or any previously conceived notion about anything. I may not be able to lift objects with my mind, cause thunderstorms, or predict the future (yet) , but I can do quite a lot more than someone who isn't "diagnosed". Why do I feel that these symptoms are abilities? I shall use lucid dreaming in comparison to the episodes experienced with psychological diseases. What is lucid dreaming? A normal dream, is uncontrollable, unpredictable and random. Lucid dreaming is the ability to know when you are dreaming, to be consciously aware that your unconscious mind is working, and thus be able to control what happens to you in your dreams. An example of this can be seen in the independent film "Waking Lives". I compare my high and low states when my thoughts run wild, and in my world there are no limits, my thoughts travel freely to lucid dreaming. In real life, I cannot fly, but in my dreams I frequently do, and explore many other areas of seemingly impossible tasks which I'm sure most people do as well. However, I know when I am flying, and am aware that I am dreaming, thus there is no normal limit of the mind which still applies to dreams that are random. With lucid dreaming, I can predict what I want to dream about, I can make anything happen consciously while I'm still asleep. When I am in my high states in the real waking world, my body does things which it normally would not think are possible. For example, when I am not in such drug-like states, I cannot do the splits. When I am in these high states, I am more flexible than a gymnast, I have extremely controlled balance, faster reflexes, heightened awareness of my environment, heightened abilities in drawing, musical compositions, writing, improvisational activity of all types that as chaotic as its existance begins actually has a precise perfectionist pattern to it. It is the harnessing of this type of unlimited energy and the openess of mind that is very similar to lucid dreaming. The normal limits, mannerisms, and daily practices of life do not apply. It is as if the entire world is my playground, and I am in control of literally everything, possess the power to dictate the universe with my mind. I am not implying that most people do not have control of their lives, they do. I am simply saying that the control which they possess is still very limited because it is control of the world which they believe is real and their control is only the ability to understand its rules and be above them. But there are still limitations, like gravity. Can I fly? No. But I do believe that scientific research will lead to a way to harness unlimited mind energy into an energy which literally frees the body from the limits of basic physic law. Physics, biology, are the foundation of our existance, and they are our ultimate government. The ultimate politician in this sense would therefore be someone who could break these laws of physical government. There have been numerous examples of this throughout history. Most if not all poets, artists, and other creative peoples have expressed the nature of their inspiration to be a limitless whirlpool source, and simultaneously a black hole of the most painful darkness. Jesus could bring back the dead to the living. John Nash, in the biographically based"A Beautiful Mind", was a schizophrenic who advanced economic theory to a new level. Buddha could orate to a million people and have his voice sound slightly different to every individual. Shaolin monks can do martial arts movements which look impossible, many monks even live far past normal human age, the oldest currently being 133. Yogis in India can levitate off the ground. Psychics, although ridiculed by the traditional scientific community have still been able to help police officers find missing children through the power of pre-recognition, clairvoyance, etc. Indigo children, are this generations' newest example of human progression. Characterized by their high intuition, sensitivity, immense creativity, talents in many areas, lack of respect to authority, inobedience to regimented rules, and a list of other characteristics which can be found by a basic search on google. Many journalists are skeptic of phenomena that cannot be explained by modern science, and many scientists automatically group unexplained phenomena into the general "religious" category. What if this is something beyond religion, beyond science, beyond anything that is able to be understood by the human being, in even the most simple way? I think that there is a reason for the rise of psychological difference. In America, most of it can be contributed to heightened stress of a competitive lifestyle, but this makes even more sense. The mind tries to escape rule, even though it itself is an organism which is comprised of an organized and rigid manner. The CT of a brain scan is a beautiful artistic creation, proportionate and perfect in its design. But, like a robot who wants to possess feeling, Pinnochios do exist in real life. And those who dream big, can usually become "real boys" as shown in the classic fairy tale. When mania imposes itself on me, everything melts into everything. There is no literature, there is no music, no science, no religion, no life, no death, because everything and nothing becomes intertwined and connected in an endless field of energy. It is like tapping into this energy, and becoming saturated with it in every sense. The effects are similar to LSD, the sensations described being "hearing colors", "seeing sound", "hallucinations". Except unlike drug-induced behaviour, this is an all natural effect. The dopamine levels rise as high as they do with any drug, but as there is no substance, there is no side effect to these experiences, unless considering the classified term disease.Grandiose visions of oneself, such as feeling like God or beyond, able to do anything, limitless, are all the classifications of the condition of bipolarity. So everything that I experience, is in fact normal according to these observations of pyschiatrists, neurologists, and various other ologies. However, they are always looked at as unrealistic, and if not bad or good, simply irrational. There have been many cases of suicide in which people have attempted to fly out their windows. Although I think that in such states, there is a link between life and death which makes both unnessary, what if death isn't a bad thing? "Death is just another adventure" -Albert Einstein. What we don't understand, we fear. And we have very limited knowledge about many things, especially how the human brain operates. Most people can only use 3% of their brains! Even "geniuses" can only use up to 10%. Where do these percentages come from and what do they mean? Basically, that any human can only use that portion of the different regions of the brain at any one second in time. So yes, the human brain is fully functional and fully used, but never all at once. Geniuses can use more parts of the brain simultaneously. But there has not yet been a human who has used 100% of their brain at once. I think within psychological "illness" there is a key to unlock this trapdoor of activity. Life has dreams. Dreams can be life. Lucid dreaming is control of dreams. There must be an equivalent to life. And I do think that it exists within the abnormal hyperactive energy found within the human brain during episodes of illness.

PLEASE COMMENT ON YOUR OPINIONS OF THIS ESSAY. I HAVE LEFT SOME OF MY COMMENTS IN BOLD

my opinion on this paper: points to look at from Frederickson's writing are in bold, my additional thoughts are bold italisized

HOW IS "psychological disease" a "disease"? how is anything categorized as a disease? anything that is aside from normal, from the system? what if the system is so fucked up, that its nature's own will to create such "disease" to advance evolution. yeah, evolution, more to write on that "fact".

The Dopamine Hypothesis of SchizophreniaAnne FredericksonSchizophrenia is a disease that has plagued societies around the world for centuries, although it was not given its formal name until 1911. It is characterized by the presence of positive and negative symptoms. Positive symptoms are so named because of the presence of altered behaviors, such as delusions, hallucinations (usually auditory), extreme emotions, excited motor activity, and incoherent thoughts and speech. (1,2) In contrast, negative symptoms are described as a lack of behaviors, such as emotion, speech, social interaction, and action. (1,2) These symptoms are by no means concrete. Not all schizophrenic patients will exhibit all or even a majority of these symptoms, and there is some disagreement in the psychiatric community as to the exact diagnostic criteria. In addition, there is a great deal of debate as to the causes of the disease. While some proposed causes have been proven false, such as bad parenting and poor will power(2), there are many theories that remain. One of the most famous and most debatable is the dopamine hypothesis. The proposed hypothesis states that the brain of schizophrenic patients produces more dopamine than normal brains. It is this increased dopamine that is believed to be responsible for the symptoms of the disease. However, the is much debate in the scientific community as to the exact mechanism by which altered dopamine levels, especially in the prefrontal cortex, striatum, and limbic system, produce schizophrenia. There is much clinical evidense that provides support for the dopamine hypothesis. The first evidense that dopamine may be involved in schizophrenia came from amphetamine users. Amphetamines work by causing the brain to produce more dopamine and have been shown to produce psychotic-like symptoms. (5) In addition, traditional anti-psychotic drugs, such as haloperdol and chlorpromazine, act by blocking dopamine receptors in the brain. If the brain initially produces such a high level of dopamine, why is it suggested that this is bad or a disease? If the hypothetical reason for schizophrenia is “bad parenting” and “poor will power” these are all human made terms. The brain as many top neuroscientists of our time have agreed, is far beyond the grasp of our intellect at present. Why make such assumptions about anything that happens in the brain and automatically associate anything different from the normal with being bad or limiting a human’s supposed progress in society? Perhaps the brain has its own reasons for creating such high levels of dopamine in specific individuals.(2) However, there are some problems with this evidense. Amphetamines only mimic the positive symptoms of schizophrenia. They do not produce any of the negative symptoms.If a drug which a human creates cannot replicate both positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia, then obviously it is something which we fail to understand.Likewise, anti-psychotic drugs are only affective on the positive symptoms of the disease. There is still some evidense that schizophrenics do posess higher levels of dopamine, however, these increases are only found in the striatum of the brain (7). The striatum is a region of the brain that receives its inputs from and outputs to the cortex. Injury to the striatum results in problems with intiation and control of motor behavior. (9) Also, there is evidence that the prefrontal cortex produces lower levels of dopamine. (4) The prefrontal cortex is involved in the organization and coordination of information to and from the cortex. (7)The major support and refutation of the dopamine hypothesis has come from the examination of dopamine receptors in these regions of the brain. There are two main types of dopamine receptors, D1 and D2. However, within the category of D2 receptors, there are three subtypes, D2, D3, and D4. (5) Through PET scan analysis of dopamine usage in the brain and post-mordum molecular analysis of brain tissue, researcher were able to determine relative levels of dopamine receptors in patients with schizophrenia compared to non-schizophrenics. Overall analysis of dopamine receptors in the brain indicate that the striatum, limbic system, and the cortex have more receptors than the rest of the brain, regardless of pathology. Perhaps then, in certain individuals, if the areas are already prone to be receptive to dopamine, then we all are “schizophrenic” by means of detection. Thus “poor willpower” is understandable. Perhaps it is an unconscious chain which holds dopamine levels at bay in others, while exciting them in others. However, poor will power is poor will power in a world which is based on normality being the “right” way. It can be said that if the world was occupied with schizophrenics, poor will power would be said of non-dopamine encouraging individuals. (6) Examination of the striatum (involved in production of emotions) schizophrenics are said to be irrational, irrationality is a dependence on emotion over logic. However, with this evidence, this appears not a physical flaw, but a personal choice. does not show a difference in levels of any of the dopamine receptors in schizophrenic patients. However, a great deal of research indicates that the prefrontal cortex of schizophrenic patients has decreased levels of D1, D3, and D4 receptors. (3,4,6) One researcher was able to show that, in addition, the decreased level of D1 receptors was correlated with the severity of negative symptoms in patient. Decreased levels of dopamine lead to more “bad” effects of schizophrenia. In the normal populace, such levels are regulated. But the question is WHY are either dopamine levels decreasing or increasing, not HOW they rise or decrease. (3) Another researcher found that the control of production of D3 and D4 receptors could be altered by the alteration of levels of NMDA, a neurotransmitter that seems to have some regulatory control over the production of dopamine mRNAs. (6) Through the use of a NMDA antagonist, the researcher was able to decrease the level of D4 production and increase the level of D3 production in the limbic system. Administration of the NMDA antagonist also produced effects that mimic schizophrenia. Likewise, PCP, a drug that has its effects through the inhibition of NMDA, has been shown to produce effects that are similar to both the positive and negative symptoms of the disease. A drug is created by man to help regulate schizophrenia, or in this case, understand it better. In this sense, schizophrenia is considered to have the same effect as a man-made drug. But, with one major difference. The body has created it, the mind has created it. Drugs, are man made. Schizophrenia is therefore free from built interference and cannot be said to be a drug. If the body has an immune system so powerful it defeats the hundreds of bacteria in the cosmos every day, reproduces, processes organic matter into energy, and performs an ample number of highly complex functions, do humans think the same body from which it comes from is so stupid to create something inside the mind which damages the being it inhabits?(5)While all the research seems to indicate that dopamine is somehow involved in the production of the symptoms of schizophrenia, it is difficult to determine the exact involvment. It appears that the increased levels of dopamine in the striatum are responsible for some of the positive symptoms, particularly the overactivity. However, it also appears that the prefrontal cortex may be responsible for the activation of positive symptoms. Hmmm. Awfully vague for supposedly all-knowing statistical scientists. My, my has magic found its way into the scientist’s hands, irritating him in his ways of common sense and logic?The prefrontal cortex controls and organizes the information that goes to and from the cortex. Thus, a decrease in the activity in this region of the brain would result in a lack of organization of thought and perception. Maybe the individual with this lack processes too much information. Perhaps nature wants to restrict those who may find the answers through their normal thought processes to the most ultimate questions. This would result in the hallucinations and disorganized thoughts that are often experienced by patients with schizophrenia. In addition, the correlation between D1 receptors and negative symptoms is explained by the fact that the prefrontal cortex outputs to the rest of the brain. D1 receptors may be involved in the production of movement from signals intiated in the cortex. A decrease in these receptors would result in an inhibiting effect on behavior that would be similar to the negative symptoms. Both the positive and negative emotional symptoms can be explained by the activity of dopamine in the limbic system. The limbic system has a particularly high concentraction of D3 and D4 receptors. (6) The two receptors seem to be involved in the production and inhibition of emotion. It would seem that one is responsible for the production and the other for the inhibition. Which is which is difficult to determine, since schizophrenics exhibit an alteration in both aspects of emotion. So, the question that remains is how can the brain have different levels of dopamine and different levels of the receptors. One researcher hypothesizes that during normal development, activity of dopamine in one region of the brain may have an inhibitory effect on the development of other dopaminergic pathways. (1) The evidence indicates that the lack of dopamine activity in the prefrontal cortex and limbic system results in a lack of inhibition in the production of dopaminergic pathways in the striatum. There is some evidence to support this. Patients with schizophrenia have smaller frontal lobes and larger ventricles. (1,8) They also have a higher incidence of head injury during childhood. Statistics often accounts for WHAT IS, instead of WHY WHAT IS, IS. The chaos theory would state that everything affects everything. WHY is it that children with schizophrenia have a higher incidence of head injury. No, not how, how would be answered by inhibited motor activity and lack of information transfer to the cortex. But, WHY is this happening, yes we partially understand in scientific terms what is going on in the body, but what is the bigger picture. What does schizophrenia actually do, why is nobody listening to what schizophrenics actually say when they have their hallucinations. Why are they automatically dismissed as being delusional and wrong? (1) Each of these factors could result in damage to the prefrontal cortex which would then result in a decrease in activity. The inactivity would then result in a lack of inhibition of the striatal pathway. This would be particularly evident in adolescence, when the prefrontal cortex finishes its development. (1) It is the case that schizophrenia appears during adolescence and early adulthood. Pathways. Star Wars. Harry Potter. This is the time when the magics are picked from the muggles. (2)Schizophrenia can be a debilitating disease in the sense that it restricts the individual from adjusting to life in normal society. But perhaps it is exactly meant for that particular individual to NOT adjust to life in society. if it is not properly managed. For this reason, there is copious research into its causes and treatments. Much of the research points to alterations in dopaminergic pathways. However, each piece of research seems to refute other pieces of research. However examination of the role of each of the brain areas implicated and the role of dopamine within those areas shows that the dopamine hypothesis, in a slightly altered form, does in fact support much of the research that has been done.References(1) "Schizophrenia and the Brain" From Internet Mental Health(2) "What is Schizophrenia"(3) "Decreased prefronal dopamine D1 receptors in schizophrenia revealed by PET" From The Schizophrenia Homepage(4) "Dopamine Receptor Transcript Expression in Striatum, Prefrontal and Occipital Cortex: Focal Abnormalities in Orbitofrontal Cortex in Schizophrenia" From Meador-Woodruff Laboratory Homepage (University of Michigan)(5) "Detailed Description of Our Studies" From Meador-Woodruff Laboratory(6) "Dopamine, Glutamate, and the Neurochemical Circuitry of Schizophrenia" From Department of Psychiatry Homepage (University of Michigan)(7) "Schizophrenia 'Trigger' Described" From NARSAD Homepage(8) "Altered Neural Circuits in Schizophrenia"(9)Rosenzweig, M.R., Leiman, A.L., & Breedlove, A.M. Biological Psychology. Sinaur Associates Inc: Massachusetts, 1996

Everybody, everywhere has an opinion and ideal of perfection. One world in which so any existences lie parallel to each other, each entirely unaware of the other’s existence. An apartment building pregnant with tenants who scurry past each other while attending to the tedious affairs of their chosen lives. Never smiling, or frowning or wondering about the stories occupying the minds of their anonymous neighbors. Every seemingly miniscule choice determines a person’s life. Even those who refuse to play the game of existence, by their very refusal are declaring an opinion which cements them as bricks into the thunderous real estate of the universe’s metropolis. And yet a generality such as love manages to somehow weave her colors into the many individual existences and bring them together so that somehow one apartment building is inevitably connected to the other on a street full of strangers. So while a person can imagine that he or she may live their lives exactly as they want, without encountering any disturbances, disturbance is the only solid element of this unexplainable chaos that is definite. A person is nothing more than a summation of every parallel existence that they have been forced to cross into by the ways of disturbance. Perfection, is therefore a non-existence which floats above the realm of all our parallel existences daunting us with her purely circular, mathematical simplicity. We are all her slaves, because it is she that we all hope to be. We breathe, eat, work, create, sleep, love, all in the aim of living an ideal. My only question is why?

The free-thinkers of the world though, are very observably conservative. Although in their own state of being, they are the sole representation of all that is without restriction and judgment, to the passerby of their path, it is their blatant accusations of all that is not free which puts them in self-made prison. They will not eat a certain food if it is made by a certain company, because such a certain company is part of the corporate world which banishes all beauty from the joy of taste and uses ingredients to make food into a business. And so the free-thinker will buy a box of cereal from a purposely less known company because it embraces the anarchy away from corporation. But ironically, it is these big companies which produce the cheapest versions of such foods and are more able to feed large amounts of people thus helping the world more because of their supposed commercialism. It is the advertising giants of these companies who are equipped with the highest qualified individuals who although fuck with the public in their brilliant psychological marketing schemes, also fuel the merge of art and business in this world. The free-thinkers will always frown upon big-name rock stars who for the temptation of money and glamour, abandon their “live for the music” ethic and sell themselves to sponsor a commercialized carbonated beverage or other widely-used product. But is doing such a thing really so horrible? After all, through this mass commercialization of a name to brand a household product, the individual who controls the power which they have worked hard to possess is advancing themselves to such a status so that even a small village in Timbuktu would be aware of their existence. In so doing, this individual will then be capable of achieving more than would be possible before doing a commercialized self-image. This individual, should he or she choose to, would be able to do anything from becoming a politician to a sponsor to those same poor children in Africa. Regardless of the path that it may have taken to get there, a dollar for a child will still be a dollar whether it came from a rich man with no morals or a poor man with virtue. The free-thinker however would never agree to this logic. It would still stand that if anything in this world is pursued, it should be pursued on the basis of love, beauty, value and truth. And if a pursuit somehow combines the fabric of morality with business, it is wrong. The free-thinkers of our time although dream of equality and liberation from the masses, will never be able to achieve their goal because of their adamant refusal to merge all the realities of the world. The free-thinker is actually lazy, scared, and arrogant, and although believes himself to be such, is not the Einstein or Picasso which he imagines he is. The true free-thinkers of the world do not bother themselves with such classifications and follow the rules so that they can accomplish whatever dream they have. In this way, the corporate ones with their manufactured haircuts and non-differentiable personalities who the rock generation so despises, are actually the ones who possess the freest of minds. It is they who are able to truly change the real world, and the dreamers are powerless in it because they fool themselves into thinking they understand how it works. The dreamers will not go to college because it restricts them from their unorganized lives, but in doing so, actually wind up working at gas stations for 6.25/hour which is a much more corporate job then say a Harvard graduate running for senator of a state. It is the rare exceptions of the dreamers who actually make it in the real world and dream world simultaneously who are made the idols for the mass of dreamers who are actually completely unaware of the real world. Dreamers like Michael Jackson, Madonna, Einstein, wunder kids of the sports world, young actors, young musicians, and such who actually when interviewed have an incredibly detailed knowledge of how the real world operates, but are able to keep their dreams alive by following such rules. The supposed free-thinkers are the ones who claim that they must smoke marijuana for musical inspiration because it brings them closer to some unnamable source of genius. The goody-two shoes who don’t take any drugs, will be more likely to listen to a wide range of music and perhaps play dozens of instruments themselves, but to the free-thinkers will always be classified as academic and not free.

and what is this what is thatone is certainand the other certain of how certain the other is notthe paths merginginto neither labyrinth nor streetand only few who ever actually meetthe lives of this lifehow varied and bogustruth is the aimed answerand to others there is no initial questionreality! where are you?in the creation of coffee and resumes?tangled somewhere in the mind which does not speak?or do you, my dear not exist at all?but as i have written this rhymeand have thus actioned a thoughtit could not have been here unless i vomited my mindso reality i ask youregurgitation are you or not?when one man's desire is another woman's disgustand a scientist's goal is a poet's broken heartwhat else could you be my dear dearest realitythan something that was onceand is now repeating itselfbackwards

reality is extremely depressing. i thought that high school was hell, but no, that is just life. life, in whatever way, has all of these systems and organized pathways that must be followed. from the simplest action like urinating to becoming famous, everything follows some type of pattern. how can there not be fate in this sense? the only way of free will seems to be death. simply by living i am fulfilling a plan. my biological body is already systematic in everything that it does to sustain itself. life that appears free, such as that of an artist of some sort, even it is structured. everything, everything is planned systematically and categorically. people act according to stereotypes and mentality which they were brought up upon. reality plays out these stereotypes because the only other option is death, as death is an end to the pattern. my father has basically forced me to go back to maui. and even as i try to be happy about it and take it as it comes, every moment spent together with helms causes me to question everything. why am i leaving? so i can live this supposed reality, get a job, earn money, so we can go to la and "make our dreams come true". i can stay here, and feel shitty about having my parents who i love pay for 2 or 3 more years at university for a degree that i don't even want, all for being with helms. and i think that being with him is beyond worth everything. and i guess the best thing for us both is for me to leave, because while i am here i am a burden. and this issue has been going on for months. but when i see the systemacity of everything, its just aaak. in nz i feel like i have more of a sense of reality than in maui. like in hs i had hopes and dreams because everythign seemed possible, everything had a future. now i realize, hopes and dreams come with money, and a nice apartment, and access to computers, and access to good food, and even to have a nice body it takes money. if one simply works out all the time naturally, there would be no time to work, meaning no money to eat, and thus none to live. people who go to gyms have the money to pay for membership. the whole thing just fucking sucks. i thought i would do somethign great, be the best at it, then meet the one, and then things would sort of melt into clouds and paradise. and now, all this reality that you have to work your whole life. your whole damn life. even if you're a celebrity, true they can retire at 21 or so, but thats cuz they've been working since about 5. i feel ecstatically happy with helms sometimes and other times i feel that all the expectations i had before have not been fulfilled. he looked/looks so beautiful after a shower, and always looks beautiful and i forget how amazing and brillliant he is. he is the only one for me and the only one i want, and yet i also feel that maybe there's more? helms is n't lacking anything, its just first off if the whole work thing is forever, that means this soccer thing is permanent. forever, always games, etc. i support him and love him, but as much as i try to ignore it, i fucking hate sports. a musician, where the daily thing would be attending rehearsals or performances, that is fun, writers conferences, not bad, painters stuff, fun. and i always said i would be with an artist. but soccer? forever? i'm not saying that soccer is who he is, its not, but if its how money is gonna come in, thats what he'll be doing. and what i'll be a writer? and our lifestyles will mesh? doesn't seem that way. and i would not want him to give up what he loves. and he loves it. and i love him, and its all so irritating. why do i love someone who it makes no sense to be with? and why isn't my life goign to plan? and everything is so customary and irriating. i am going to be miserable in maui, and i don't even know how long i will be gone. and once there, i will have to pick up a life that means watching my weight, exercising, reading, working, just living basically. and i think i hate life. i love being with helms. if there was just a universe where we could just be together and thats it, no judgment, no expectation, no survival of the fittest crap that is the world, that in my mind would be perfection. not striving for achievement, but just living in the beauty of love, without worrying about money and fame and success and everything else. why can't we just escape to an island and eat nuts and berries? have we been so brainwashed that it is impossible to escape anymore? my whole future seems predetermined and fated already. either college, or no college. either success, or no success, in any case i'll be working in some profession , or maybe living with dad til 30, in which i'll be forced to move out anyway. and if i'm a writer that means 14 hours a day or so of writing. i guess that wouldn't be as bad as all the other things. jsut writing and drawing. but where would helms be? he would be training for soccer, somewhere else, and i would only see him in the evenings or on random times. i want to be with him all the time. the journalist thing would be cool, but then the help thing and what a wonderful person he is and wants to help everybody. and maybe i used to be that way. but lately i've been feeling fuck everybody. i don't give a shit, cuz giving a shit has winded me up here. i love helms, my parents and family and thats it. and then of course my previous mentality of love everybody, etc. hard to believe that was me at the beginning of the year. i don't feel that way anymore. all these things you're supposed to be, or supposed to feel, or not supposed to feel. with everybody having their own opinion on eveyrthing,and still having universal truths. i don't know who i am! or who i want to be, because everything out there is planned and strategized and i don't want to be any one of those paths. i want to be everyting, and to be nothing. i don't want to exist, and yet i don't want to kill myself because it would hurt the people i lvoe and i don't want to leave them alone. and simultaneously if we all died it would be perfect, but if they love life, i dont want them to sacrifice that. when i don't think is when i can tolerate everything. i don't know if its happiness, but its tolerance. but i need to think to write, or really to do anything. so what the hell should i do? are animals happy? you don't see animals with bipolar disorder. and they have no thoughts. but then there is the path of truth and beauty and freedom, and these are all thoughts, so my head and self is a huge contradiciton. i am a contradiction. i love helmut marko, and yet i hate helmut marko, and yet at other times i am completely indiffernt to him. i feel disgusted sometimes by him. and sometimes i feel powerless and weak in his presence, his grandeur and my admiration and respect for him. at times i feel he is a god, the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. and at other times i am so horribly annoyed at him i feel like screaming. so , what the hell does that mean? what does any thing or any of it mean? i dont want to be a puppet, and yet all of life seems to be exactly that, being puppets.

death seems to be the ultimate gateway to many things. if life has a set organization, and a set pattern, and the very nature of life is such, death must be the opposite, if the antimatter and antireaction laws hold true. if thus, then utter chaos or black hole state would occur. but what exactly is death. if it is the opposite of life, then isn't it just parallel. ghosts, evp, such, of course its possible, and of course its real, but what is the doorway, meaning is there a way back, if you die and then come back to earth to tell people what you learned.

alicealice lost in wonderlandtrapped in a world she doesn't understandentrapment of mathematical precisionunderlying every pattern of the chaos in the hiddenwhat she seesis not explainedregret and misery armours her from themthey tell her to eatthey tell her to sleepthey tell her to planthey tell her many thingsalice knows something insidebehind every key a door blown by the invisible fanlemon juice unsheaths the truthbut every lemon ripes too soongiven answers down a black holesomething gained only to lose some morewas it worth it you may ask her?to lose a life for an ideal more than unearthed?to sacrifice the truth of loveof first kisses and childhood trustgive it all up she did and did againnever learning the mistake they all repeatedly threw in her faceshe failsshe fallsnever to stopparallel to thisinsanity prevailsbut why did alice dream at allwhy is alice not a bobif she is daft and delusionaland they are right where right is surethen why did alice breathe a firewhy did she not diewhen bricks were thrown at herwhy was she resurrected time and againto be born to suicidal whimhas alice been created derangedin alice's little fucked up brainask her whyshe'll say she doesn't knowask her who she isneither river nor stonewhy will alice never desiststicking to that which all believe is a mythalice will die without a lifeor will she give up her mind insteadwill alice turn into the other siderun up the rabbit hole and tell herself it was a liedid alice fall into infinity's depthor was the fall a well with steps to climbis alice a vampire who sucks on christor is alice an innocent seduced by visions of signalice chose her conquestsor did they manipulate heralice chews on her victimsbut alice looks chewedalice will fly you to the moonbut alice can't build the blueprint to a spoonalice will love you until your blood turns to crystalshe'll sparkle your tyranny into magicbut alice will leave and alice will kill youalice is selfishand alice loves childrenif alice doesn't find what is in her mindshe will keep looking until the looking subsidesas moment it has not ended quite yetif you see her on your street she'll be searchingand details she will never forgetanalyzitation looms inside the glare she'll give youtears will fall when you pierce her soulalice is a cowardalice fightsalice doesn't bleedalice crieswhy did they make alicewhy waste such a beginningshe started out as genius potentialnow a tragedywill alice ever know what alice believeswill they all ever know alice is realshould she subside into what she wasor should she continue flesh into immortal dustis alice strongor is she weakdo you know alice?tell me please

live freely hidden burden of my soulyou are not fit for the superficial comforts of this worldjump through the lusty kisses and the glitter of their smilesthey will never protect youto save the conscience of their denialyou scream but they won't listenthey'll pretend you're just like themyou are fooled because you love without gameyou seep in all that you seea baby will not survive without the shell that they all puton themselveshow can you be yourselfwhen all demands stonebut innocence, oh innocencedon't change them.keep you

I don't believe in anything "magical" or "paranormal". In fact, I do not understand nor welcomingly acknowledge any “belief”. There simply is or isn’t. Mathematics does not ask for donations, nor shine itself on television claiming it’s proofs. There is no “hallelujah” in mathematics, (excluding Archimedes’ “Eureka”). Mathematics is a fact. It is in all things. It is undeniable, and just because earthlings do not have enough intelligence to solve life’s mysteries, this does not actually make life’s mysteries “mysterious”. Mathematics is the underlying element of the entire entity of life, death, the universe, etc. There are various ways to find a solution, but the solution is the same. Even in our highest form of mathematics, there are still predictable equations, and at times the solutions may vary but only because we do not take into consideration every possible factor of a specific problem. everything. can be described through or by mathematics.magic-what we see at a show as "magical" and unexplainable as it is to us, it is still just a practiced TRICK by a skilled magician.a. love- has certain steps, every person can fall in love, so even if we cannot explain it, it still is not that "abnormal". It is a predictable process that still has certain stages no matter who or what goes through it. Love is "individualized" according to each experience and perception, but there are some small neurochemical differences, for ex. enlargement of the pupils, heart beat increasing, temperature rising (although this is more attraction than lust) that are found in every person exhibiting signs of love or sexual attraction. Although, one may argue that sexual attraction is very different from love, and to glorify fairy tales and hocus-pocus there are those who stand firmly by the theory of “love at first sight”. Earth people apparently have no idea how to describe love. It seems to them too complex of an issue to dictate by human tongue. But, there are certain signs that give clues as to mathematics in love. Sexual attraction can be varied, because what is beautiful to one eye may be hideous to the next. Yet universally, symmetry in one’s facial and bodily features is comforting to the eye, and thus beauty in itself is quite a mathematical thing in itself. There was a recent research study done by National Geographic that showed sexual activity of people from ages 17-44. Males and females who were more “proportionate” had a significantly higher sexual activity rate. ( please visit www.nationalgeographic.com and the discovery channel’s website for further info. )Yes, sexual attraction is not love, but it is part of it and perhaps a first step. If sexual attraction itself can already be semi-understood through the world of science and mathematics, then it is logical to predict love also has such an explanation. Love could be 9 dimensional, it could involve factors that we do not think are important, but because it is a “phenomenon” that happens to people all across the globe, it is almost mythical to say that love cannot be explained. Any process that happens in this world is based on a formula, the scientific method requires any experiment able to replicate itself. Life, IS an “experiment”. An experiment of nature that requires replication (from seeds to people). Love is not a rare event, thus it follows a pattern, a pattern is the first symptom of math’s involvement.

subjectivity- every person has a different life and a different story, and different DNA. if somebody knows EVERY single detail(billions of pieces of info.) about a certain organism, that organism's likes and dislikes can easily be predicted according to their individual experiences. For ex., if one goes to a move rental shop, and favors a certain movie over another, it is not a sign of fate if another person prefers the same movie, it simply shows that the first person’s experiences and life lived is similar in nature to the second person’s. It in no way demonstrates a “connection” or rarity. Individualism – yes, there are no two people alike. There are no two fingerprints alike. But if any human being actually thinks themselves to be a rarity among the populace they have gone absolutely mad. We all are composed of the same elements, have predictable reactions according to certain events, digest food, sleep (even if some need 8 and others need 2 hours). Psychology is a fairly new science, and it may just be the key to combining mathematics with individual variation, but although it is still not thought as such, psychology is an actual SCIENCE, so even those that are mentally disturbed can still be dealt with mathematically. geniuses- anomalys, 1/220 people. approx. but STILL predictable because where there is no action or no life, life will appear. nobody can stay #1 forever. There will always be “something” better., from aristotle to picasso all geniuses still wear shoes and go to the bathroom. The universe needs its anomalys to progress life.

Disease/mutation- predictable according to factors that we may not take into consideration. for example AIDS, did not appear until 1980's- increased homosexual activity, malaria, dengue fever, bubonic plague, all had histories of events leading up to them. Mutation in DNA fingerprinting is an expected thing, mutation in nature is what leads to natural selection. (Darwin’s finches, Galapagos..). Creatures adapt according to their environments, thus increasing their chances of survival. Adaptation is mathematical because it is simple algebra : if y+z happens to n, what will n do? (y+z) {–/+/ / / x } n = ADAPTATION!!!! Another thing to consider is how helpful medicine actually is. Although death rates have decreased over the years, overpopulation in China and the middle east may kill us all. Nature is the ultimate force. Mathematics is the ultimate force. We are all mathematically programmed to die. If a system is in it’s final stage of completion, it cannot be reversed. A person will die if their system is down. Medicine is human’s belief that they are Godly in some sense. It is ultimately arrogance. HOWEVER… every action in nature has an equal and opposite reaction, so some arguments may be made about “coming back to life”. But, look at it this way: say for ex. LIFE is the action, then DEATH would be the opposite reaction.

myth vs. fact. people believed the moon was made of cheese and that gods controlled the planets. Years later, mathematics could explain both. The human illusion of fate and "god" is a myth because humans are too stupid to understand it yet. Just because simple human mathematics cannot solve life's mysteries, this does not mean the universe is all NOT mathematics. It simply means humans are the stupid ones. (humans still only use 3% of brain energy, even geniuses only use 10, and humans can only see in 3D and even with simple mathematics it has been proven there are 9 dimensions and surely more that humans have not mathematically proven yet). + (humans can only see in a limited color range, cannot see UV light, cannot sense things that happen every day in nature).death-(mortality theory) –In 1825 a British actuary, Benjamin Gompertz, discovered a pattern in human mortality. He found that the probability of dying was high at birth but then declined until sexual maturity.After this it increased at an exponential rate. He estimated that between the ages of 20 and 80 years, the risk of dying doubles with every additional 8 years that you live. Gompertz’s law of mortality can be written as Bx x ae = ì where the ‘force of mortality’, x / , is given in terms of age, x years.x ì is the instantaneous death rate i.e. the number of deaths perhead of population per unit time. It is also known as the ‘hazardrate’.

When the constants a and b are greater than zero, bx ae is an increasing function of x.Gompertz’s law can also be expressed in the linear form bx a x + = ln ln ìAssuming that the risk of dying doubles every eight years then 8 + x ì = 2 x ì , giving ( ) bx x b ae ae 2 8 = + .

This equation can be solved to give an approximate value for b of 0.0866.

In 1860 William Makeham suggested that Gompertz’s law could be improved by adding a constant term to give c aebxx + = ì . This is usually referred to as the Gompertz-Makeham mortality law. It has been found to fit adult populations well, with variations in the parameters a, b and c allowing for differences between populations.- The Nuffield Foundation

Keep in mind even with all the geniuses in humanity no human person has lived up to 300 years. STILLLpredictable. (programmed cell death theory). – the theory that every microbe in and out of the human body has a certain stage of life and death, and as we are composed of microbes, each microbe dying or living will ultimately dictate our life and death. (However, I assume someone will have an objection by mentioning certain specific microbes such as cancer cells that are microbiologically speaking “immortal”. Keep thinking. Every thought in the universe will ultimately have an impact on the solution. I have no objections. ) In any mathematical problem there are multiple ways to find the solution. Life will ultimately have the same solution : death. Humans ARE all the same. Regardless of how much they exercise, how famous they are, what color eyes they have, who their parents are, how much earthly possessions they own, ultimately these are all simple formulas to arrive at the same answer. Death IS caused by different factors, but the final determining death is no breathing, no heart rate - flat line. Flat line has no "controversy". When someone is dead, they are dead (unless you have faith in the movie 4 part "the crow").immortality WILL be discovered one of these days, and it's discovery is still predictable because it is an expected anomaly. Someone or something always has to be better than the previous. Children are always smarter than their parents, etc. It is simply survival of fittest, Darwin's theory is strictly PREDICTABILITY. Why do 13 year olds nowadays get diseases such as bipolarity and mood disorders when 20 years ago only 30 year olds would be affected? Because each generation increases in some exponential form and has expected results (even though they are individualized according to specific cases).reencarnation- energy is in mathematics. the same formulas will reoccur and HAVE reoccured over history. this "phenomenon" of a father coming back as an ant has a very simple answer. and that is mathematical energy and nature. nature makes the final call. even with doctors doing eveyrthing right on the operating table, people STILL die. when humans try to take control, it becomes chaos and we get overpopulations and the earth's natural ecosystems change causing extinction in certain species, BUT even this is predictable. because NATURE is predictable, nature is math. just because we can't solve it does not mean it is not possible. just 40 years ago cloning was a myth. cryogenics was a myth. now, these things are happening. we will NOT advance so drastically that it is not predictable. every increase in the human world is exponentially determined. if brain % rate increases over the years, it may do so in a random fashion but because it will increase, it is still predictable. even if for ex. i discover a way to become immortal and find a way to use 100% of my brain, I may be an anomaly, but still a predictable anomaly in the sense that geniuses are needed to furtherly advance the human race. we are all programmed. there is a certain mathematical pattern to EVERYTHING.m. more geniuses- all geniuses have very specific certain characteristics in common, regardless of country or lifestyle. it may be an increase in brain activity, or lack of sleep, etc. but even in anomalys there is predictability.n. human beings are inevitably blind and stupid. no matter how smart we think we are, we don't know or understand ANYTHING. life will continue. until it stops. and then it may continue again or it may remain in a black hole of empty space. there is a mathematical solution and a mathematical proof behind all things and creatures. mutations are expected in the human, animal and microbiological race. if all of our galaxy suddenly disappears or explodes or vanishes into thin air, it is veyr possible that it is an anomolous event that happens in a pattern of things that is SUPPOSED to have such anomolous events.

Human-made drugs – Drugs give a false sense of euphoria. The actual biochemical process is such: every person has nerve endings that normally operate as :xxxxx xxxxx. When a drug is taken, these nerve endings start to irregularly send impulses at each other, and just as sandpaper across a surface will grind, these impulses break down nerve endings. This friction creates a sense of euphoria, but afterwards there is no regeneration effect. Of course this process is only in extreme drugs such as opium-heroin, lithium, cocaine, LSD, etc. Those who already are imaginative enough to create a “natural high” such as nirvana or enlightenment do not need man-made creations to achieve some form of peace (please study Buddha). marijuana- humans seem to be in constant debate over this issue. Many claim that because marijuana has never killed anyone and that it is completely natural that it is healthy. HMMM. Let’s think about that. Is everything in nature healthy? NO!! Nature creates natural poisons. Marijuana stemming from the cannibis plant is such a poison. It is slow, and slowly coats the brain with a “desensitivity cloud” that over time decreases brain activity. If marijuana has no effect, why are users labeled as “pot-heads”? One cannot label a non-substance user with such a name. Marijuana is still a drug, it is the most dangerous because it is a gateway drug which opens doors for many other forms. alcohol- depending on the amount (most American beers only have 2% of alcohol, wine : 7%) and the type of alcohol beverage one consumes, it can either deteriorate the body system or not. Winecoolers, beer, shots, etc are extremely damaging to the liver. Red wine is good for the heart and cardiovascular system, but frequent consumption is not good. A general rule is “everything is good in moderation”. Alcohol is a different drug in the sense that the body is still capable of regeneration as opposed to hallucinogenics and marijuana. After 10 days, the body is completely free of alcohol traces. However, this rate increases with increased intake of alcohol. OTC medications- my previously stated opinion on medicine in general covers my theory on the stupidity of such things. Natural healing is best, but even I use Tylenol for severe headaches, so in some way I am a rambling hypocrite.butterfly effect + chaos theory- order in chaos in order in chaos and eerily still order ( Buffon needle experiment, Fibonacci sequence in nature, pi’s infinite digits).- any action, word, phrase, thought, movement one organism makes ultimatlely affects the whole planet, universe, etc. There are certain activities that take place that we cannot possibly account for. If we could in fact, account for every possible, every thing in the entire entity of space, then everything would in fact be extremely simple to predict. Humans cannot predict the weather accurately past 2 days because if studying storm systems in chile, slight changes of sandstorms in the sahara are not accounted for. The smallest, most seemingly miniscule action can either kill something or make it live. A simple phrase can affect a person's psychological state for days, weeks, months even years. Depending on each person’s experiences, their direct actions are predictable. They may seem unpredictable to someone else, but humans are all composed of a simple mathematical formula.

Nothing is certainNothing is everything, everything is nothing, they both don’t exist, and with their non-existence they existlife = death

There is no such thing as an atheist. Everyone who is alive is alive because of “faith”. Nobody knows why they’re here, what will happen, what is the reason for stars, planets, galaxies, “the universe”, all of existance. Yes they have knowledge, yes there are explanations and rules for what IS here. But there is no explanation of WHY it is here. People live because they believe. All of life lives because of a belief. Bacterial cells have a genetic imprint, a universal core structured into their being that they may not have the ability to be aware of, but it is in them. Why? is everyone such a fool? This illusion, why can’t everybody just die? Belief=stupidity. Both “classifications” don’t even exist, there is nothing, which = everything. Life is death so death wouldn’t be freedom, because it will still be belief of some sort. So how to end all of existance? How to abolish EVERYTHING? life, death, energy? There is no proof for anything, why to live? “beauty”, “truth”, “ love”, bla bla. Why do people have faith in anything? Enough to stay alive...? survival, pleasure/comfort, love, emotion, genetic universal imprinting. They call Hitler a murderer, but HE understood, he was a “genius”. How to do what he did on an ARMAGEDDON scale? All will say, ok, if we know not why we live, then why die, as it is the same thing? Living is probably better than dying, for all we know. YES!! exactly!!! Belief to “die” : sadness, “giving up”, anger, lonliness, lack of love, lack of BELIEF. BUT-this lack of belief is not a lack of belief of ALL , EVERYTHING. it is just a lack of belief for LIFE specifically. Life in the human sense. What to be done? If not life, if not death... A complete.. something which has never yet been understood/that has no basis nor any... They say that it is my mind which is controlling me (“bipolar” schizophrenic, psychological disease, etc.) that I shoudl just and be able to DO without questioning. “curiosity killed the cat”. BUT, their minds are programmed to DO without question, whereas I question without doing. So we are both parallelly trapped. As i am writing this, I am trapped. Neither side, nor us who question or those who don’t are FREE. slaves whether we think or don’t, live or die. What is free? Freedom is an illusion also, but FREE in the sense of non-existance. existance is “work”.

Why do you live? Why do you breathe? Why do you do any of the things that you do? What for? The pleasures of life? Life itself? Why is any of this in creation firstly?

if everybody questions, and accepts that they don'tunderstand the bigger picture, and survive of faith and lookat life as an opportunity, why do we question in the firstplace? if it leads back to living anyway . what i ask is whyare we not questioning why it is that we question? we do, inpsychology and neuroscience, but why are we so curious aboutfinding out the reason why we question what we question?

New baby brother is born. They had to name him John Paul.What an awful, horridly boring name. This is what i wrote atthe hospital when i watched his head pop out of my mother'suterus.: he knew. he KNEW! when he just came out . I saw it in hiseyes. The pain, the sadness, the slavery of this all. Thesystem, the entire thing that isn't questioned. HE KNEW, hellooked straight at me with his beautiful little eyes andstared. He didn't cry. not yet. that came later. He gave methis look, "what am i doing here? why?" all the nurses andthe doctor were babbbling on about how handsome and cute hewas, mother was weeping with "tears of joy". it was intense,i will admit. we were in labor for 14 hours, not to mentionthe months or waiting, she's been anxious to pop for a longtime. he was only a couple of days overdue. supposed to bethe 18th of oct, but it was the 22cd. but, he shoudl havebeen born in september at the fullness of her belly. we hadsome complications, he wrapped him umbellical cord aroundhimself 3 times, huge cord, and we woudlve had to have ac-section, all prepped up for it. but, first she was 5 cmdilated and then boom 5 minutes later 10 cm, and all it tookwas 3 pushes even though she had an epidural, and bang, hejust flew out. it was disgusting and beautiful. i almostpuked. this huge bump on the bottom of her vagina, the lipsspreading apart, and this head coming out of her. it was asci-fi movie. if any of you have seen a birth you'll knowwhat i mean. if you haven't, ask me later. don't they seewhat they've all done? conformed again to this cycle. iwanted to grab him and run out the door. but that would justcause them all suffereing, and that woudn't save them. itWOULD save him, but i have time alone with him, i can schoolhim, i can train him, he will be more than they know. 5minutes later though after his birth, his eyes were lighter.As if he was brainwashed by some unspoken force. I look inhis eyes and it kills me. I can see his pain, i can see hishappiness. they say babies can't think or feel or areuncapable of congnitive thinking. they don't know what thefuck they're talking about. his eyes were the smartest thati've seen in a long time. so refreshing, and yet so tragic.how they will soon fade into the eyes of a newborn. when heis taught that he doesn't knwo anything, and conditionedinto the process of learning. when he learns mathematics,and literature, and high school,. and sex, and retirementfunds, and taxes, and political affairs. for his whole life,it all starts here, and he's already trapped. but if i toldhim now, everything, eh would want to revert back into thecess pool of energy. he has been shaped into form. i'msorry. i'm so so sorry. i want to take him and run away withhim right now. to the atom, to the molecule. does anybodyrealize? no of course they don't. and he won't he's alreadytrapped. his beautiful little head under that stupid littleblue and black diagonally patterned beanie that the "caring"nurse put on him to "keep him warm". put him in the damnjungle!!! they put their alcohol swabs and circumcised himand keep him in this awful hospital with its patheticyelllow walls and nurses who i see smoking cigarettes andtwiddling with their hair outside its walls. yeah, this sivery fucking safe. much safer than a jungle where he wouldbe lying on the fresh dirt of the earth, surrounded by thepat of rain. a jaguar might come along and snarl him, but ithink he'd be better off. my child, my eon, my destino willnever go through this hell. i'll be far gone off thisreality by then. he will only taste the mystery of bluewater and feel the freshness of sand. diapers? clothes? hellno. sterility? babies weren't born to be sterile. who saysthat sterility is for the best? they branded him with aname. not even a good name like extralius or diphenous. no"john paul". after the pope they say, and thier liking forthe beatles, so he can be john paul george ringo. fuck me.seriously. just give me a gun and shoot it at my ears rightnow. tagged him with a name, with a future. the "miracle" oflife. yeah the fucking grand miracle. you work every day forall of your life without stop and learn to not question whyit is that you do, and if you do somehow question it yourefuse to acknowledge the question because you've beeninstructed that you can never never "let your mind oremotions control you". BYULLLSHIT. his first day of life andhe has to learn how to suck on a nipple, put all of hismouth to work, to feed himself. his first day!! he knewexactly what to do. as soon as he found teh nipple, hesucks. they call it "fast learning". learning of what? yeahsuper smart fast learning of your system you bastards.adapting to the system withou actually knowing what he'sdoing is a slave reflex directly into the black hole of allthis. and i'm trapped too. trapped by this body and theserules, this obligations, this life. i want to exit RIGHTNOW. and i can't because the ones left behind, they don'tunderstand, they don't KNOW, not even my love . all theywill feel is hurt, abandonement, sadness, eventually anger.they won't understand what it is that i'm trying to do. oneof these days i have to do it though. no, not suicide. you'rthinking that aren't you? you with your misconceptions ofthe "sadness " i must be feeling. suicide isn't because ofgiving up. and i'm not gonna do it anyway. no, what i haevto do is something phenomenol. i can't tell you yet. youwon't be able to visualize it. my abstractions are picasso'spaintings to you all. they will have these emotions, i cantleave them yet. love, it traps me. this somethign intonothing universe, it'll either infinitely expand, or blow upinto empty. if it expands we'll evolve. evolution issimplicity, and eventually we'll wind up as energy withoutbodies, or skin. if we implode, we'll just end up asparticles without atomic energy to attract themselves toeach other. not neutrons or positrons or any trons, we'lljust be back to those goddamn "particles". yeah, particles,thats all they'll tell you. for all the scientists andbrilliant minds of the world, one of the basic things youlearn in physics is that we all started out as "particles".great explanation eh? of course it will get much morecomplicated afterwards. all this human arrogance leads toquantum mechanics and astrophysics and equations that you'llprobably look at and wonder what all the squiggly littleletters mean. doesn't solve shit thought. i'm not hawkingyet, but trust me, i know. and balance all of his organs indigestion so that he can poop his miconium and have gas.tell me any of you, why do babies cry? why do they ALWAYSCRY? yeah yeah "its primitive instict". well think about it.if its so damn primitive, and they do it as soon as theycome out of the uterus, and keep doing it until they'reprogrammed how to think, then every one of you cries everyday. cries for the pain that you feel when you walk on asidewalk and somebody brushes you by as if you're abroomstick. the sadness of going into a board meeting andpossiblly firing someone with a family. its all businessright? this whole life, its just all business huh? nobodycries anymore. everybody's been told its bad to cry. babiescry cuz they're too stupid to apply their self-control andexercise the true cognitive ability of their brains. yeah.babies are geniuses. i wish i could save you john paul. butit looks like you're gonna end up 20 and heading off tocollege. just like i've been trapped regardless of what iknow to be true. why can't there be places for us? they allsay mental institution is where i shoudl go. throw it at meyou "bipolar" analystis and "schizophrenia"balbalablabalbal. nothing is a disease. everything is asign. why do you think that most geniuses have actually hadschizophrenia, bipolar, adhd, or etc.? maybe cuz we realizesomething which you all do too but are too trained to shoutout. Maybe they'll understand in a millenium. maybe later.maybe never. he's already to late to be saved. i could savehim, but nobody would understand and that isn't savior. noneof them get it. i cannot go on with this anymore. this is myproof. the PAIN, the GENIUS, in his eyes. soon they will betold what to think, what to feel , how to live. and all hewill see is this

When it comes to beauty, you spare no expense - and it shows
You're the kind of woman a man would launch a thousand ships for
It's hard for anyone to beat you in the beauty department
But remember, it's okay to show a flaw or too - you've got plenty to spare

You stick with your friends no matter what, even if you feel like they're doing the wrong thing.
You believe in letting people figure out their own path in life. It's not your place to interfere.

And part of your loyalty means that you'll do a lot for your friends. You definitely go the extra mile.
You'll even do great things for friends without them asking. After all, that's what friendship is all about.

You are truly a friend for life. And you have friends you've known since you were a kid.
Your friends can count on you to do a favor, remember a birthday, or just be there to listen.

Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else

You really can't be friends with: Fickle people who change friends quickly

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood.
Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Admit it, you can seduce practically anyone. And sometimes you try just for fun.
You're a total heartbreaker that knows when to play it cool.
You are the type of person people go completely lovesick over. Just use your powers for good, okay?

You're highly reactive, energetic, and super charged.
If the occasion calls for it, you can go from 0 to 60 in a split second.
But you don't harness your energy unless you truly need to.
And because of this, people are often surprised by what you are capable of.

Why you would be a good superhero: You have the stamina to fight enemies for days

Your biggest problem as a superhero: As with your normal life, people would continue to underestimate you

Your sexual power is obvious - you don't do anything to hide your sexuality.
In fact, if there's such a thing as a person with too much sexual power, it's you.

Your life and thoughts are dominated by sex. And while it's good to be sexually liberated, you're starting to have a one track mind.
You don't always have to use your sexual power. There's more to human interaction than getting naked!

There's hardly a person on this earth more real than you are.
You have no problem showing people who you are, flaws and all.
For you, there couldn't be any other way. Because it's way too stressful to live an inauthentic life.
You're very comfortable with yourself. And because of this, you're able to live an exciting, interesting, and challenging life.

Why? You like your guys manly - and in control
Not to mean controlling, but you do like the guy to take the lead
A Fire Sign man will take you by the hand and show you the world
Just make sure you're bold too - because this guy likes a challenge!

Hahahah. that's what Every quiz says. Cuz I'm a Leo too-fire sign. Well I'm with a Scorpio (the most fuckin' complicated and mysterious one there is!!!!! geezus)-and it works GREAT. But yea...I do like men who are challenges.

You Are Most Like Samantha!

For you, dating is the ultimate sport
You're into guys with power, looks, or a lot of money.
You rather have a great two weeks than a great forever.
But even you fall victim to love from time to time. :-)

Almost every guy that crosses your path ends up a little worse for the wear.
You see men as your playthings - and your motto is "So many men, so little time."
And while you're having fun, everyone is a little scared of you.
Your girlfriends are leery of your man-eating ways. And most men find you downright freaky.

When you were a kid, people often remarked on how mature you seemed. You acted quite adult.
You excelled at school, and you actually enjoyed it to a large extent. No one had to ask you to do your homework.

As a kid, you were probably a bit picky. You liked structure, schedules, and organization.
You had trouble being friends with regular kids. You probably were only friends with other serious children.

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Generally, you're very happy being a single woman.
And anyone who has a problem with that... well, that's there problem.
Not that you wouldn't share your life with the almost perfect guy.
You simply won't settle though. Your life is too good to share with some substandard man!

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.