Thursday, 14 April 2011

The Twin Dilemma.

All I wanted to do was nap, OK? I'm an old, old man now and a nap in the middle of the day is as important as taking my prescription to Boots or struggling over a toffee (Why do they make them so hard these days? Toffos were really soft in my day. And they were bloody cheaper, Mr. Cameron). Is it so wrong to want to have a nap? Is a nap such a crime now? I wasn't blowing up parliament or kidnapping a baby or putting my little fireman into a dolphin's blowhole. I was just having a nap. But was I allowed? Fuck, no. Peri had to bloody ruin it.

The thing is, I've waited a long time for Peri to knock on my door but I never wanted it to be like this. I'd already messed up badly the time Ace come round to use my toilet. This really happened. Sophie Aldred, who played Ace in Doctor Who alongside Sylvester McCoy's 7th Doctor, was invited by a neighbour to a street party we had in my street a few years ago. I don't remember too much about meeting her because I was so nervous that I had to get completely pissed before I could talk to her. What I do recall is that after chatting for a few minutes she asked if she could just pop into my house and use the loo. I went red and made a few excuses such as "I think there's someone in the already", "Wouldn't you rather use the toilet way over there?" and "We have no toilet" but, as she was getting just as embarrassed as me, I gave in and said yes. She came out a few minutes later and said "Right. Yes. I get it now" and then shuffled off. I don't know what it was in my house that could have spooked her? I mean, how many TARDIS' and K9's is too many?

So I wanted Peri knocking on the door to be much more successful. My neighbour Gloria called yesterday morning and gave me a key to give to her friend, Peri, who was going to be staying with her. Gloria was out for the day so Peri would call at my house sometime after 3 to pick up the key. Great. I'll do some work in the morning and have a nap at 2. I'll be all fresh for Peri.

As 2 o'clock came round I felt knackered. Now is the perfect time. Maybe I can have a little dream of Peri in her Planet of Fire bikini and when I wake up she'll be on her way to make that dream a reality. I settled down about 2.05 and after a few minutes I fell asleep.

Thats when I heard the knock on the door.

Bloody hell! Have I slept that long? I looked at my phone. No. It said 2.12. I've been asleep for about three minutes. Fucking hell! Typical Peri! She never had a clue about time and how it worked. As I'd just fallen asleep and was wakened way too suddenly, I felt groggy. Disorientated. Thick, even. And as I walked confused to the door I heard a mobile phone ringing from outside. I opened the door to greet Peri.

That's not Peri.

Look I'm not saying that the 60-odd year old woman in front of me wasn't nice, I'm just saying that you should never get your hopes up. I can't see Turlough jumping in to save her from drowning although I can imagine Brian Blessed marrying her. Anyway, I handed her the key and noticed that the phone was still ringing. "You going to answer that?", I said. "Could you?", she replied. "I don't know how phones work. I just found it on the train".

This was too much for me. I've had three minutes sleep and now I have to answer someone elses phone? I hate talking to strangers but now I've been rudely woken up to speak to two of them. My baffled eyes and lazy brain looked at the phone flipped up the top of it. It was still ringing. Bum. I'm going to have to think harder. Hang on... It says "Gloria calling".

"Erm...You just found this phone?"

"On a train. Yes".

"And it's not yours?"

"That's right".

"So, this isn't your phone and you just found it and yet somehow your friend Gloria is calling it?"

This was completely insane. I must still be asleep because Peri isn't due to be here until 3 and it's 2.13, it says so on the phone just above "Gloria calling". Plus Peri is young and beautiful and wears very little and I love her and I don't know this woman and she has no phone, she's just found a phone and the phone she found says "Gloria calling" and Gloria is her friend and how does Gloria know what phone Peri has found if it was just random even though Gloria is definitely calling this random phone because it says "Gloria calling"?

"There's more than one Gloria in the world", said Peri.

SHE'S FUCKING RIGHT! It must be one of the other Gloria's calling. I answered and it was a Spanish teacher. A spanish teacher called Gloria! The phone belonged to one of her pupils who had dropped it on the way to Greenwich. All I had to do was take my house slippers off, put my shoes on and walk all the way down to Lewisham Train Station and give it back to her.

I WAS FUCKING ASLEEP A MINUTE AGO. How the fuck did this happen? You can't just wake me up and expect me to fucking help. I'm not a fireman. I keep telling people, I'M NOT A FIREMAN. And all I wanted was a nap. A little sleep. A tiny kip. 40 winks. And yet there I was tired and shuffling down the cold streets of Lewisham to give a phone back to a cack-handed Spaniard....WHO DIDN'T FUCKING TURN UP!

See that nap I wanted? It was too much for the world. The world just couldn't have someone being happy for half an hour and me napping was a breach of the world's code. Has Legge been asleep for 180 seconds? WELL, FUCK HIM. He has to wake up and have a shit time like the rest of us. A day ruined by Peri and all the Gloria's I know.

I had a very busy day yesterday yet the only reason that I had time for this blog is because I had to sit in waiting for Gloria (the Spanish one) to call back. I'm not like Peri, you see. I'm like The Doctor. I see things through to the end. I won't just palm the phone off to the first half-awake, slippered idiot I find. Oh no, I'll make sure the phone is returned to it's rightful owner.

And yes, I have taken a photo of my arse with it.

www.michaellegge.info

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