Friday, October 14, 2005

Meet The F**kers

The first skirmish of the season in the Battle of Alberta goes down tomorrow night, and as a service to Flames fans who have neither the patience nor the stomach to follow what's going on in Oilerville, I introduce to you the core of the 2005/2006 Edmonton Oilers roster.

Ty "Conko" Conklin and Jussi "-Rebounds" Markkanen. The two halves of the Oil's #2 goaltending tandem. If these guys don't work out, they can recall Mike Morrison from Greenville of the ECHL.

The "heart" of the Oilers' defense: Chris "Junior Chopper" Pronger, Jason "Chiclets" Smith, and Steve "Mach 3" Staios. Pronger is the man the Oilers will be paying $6M+ when he's 36, and is presently adjusting to a major downgrade in defense partner. Staios has parlayed the Oilers lack of playoff success, and the non-availability of more competent players, into 3 appearances with Team Canada in the April World Championships. And former Calgary Canuck Jason Smith is coming off a career-high 7 goals in 2003-04; let's see if he can pick up where he left off.

His primary contribution to the Battle of Alberta this year will undoubtedly be to injure someone with his stick; you can also count on him to be on the ice for a couple of game-winning goals -- against.

Ryan "Stopped Clock" Smyth, '94 1st round pick and the only quality long-term player the Oilers have drafted since Jeff Beukeboom (the nickname is direct acknowledgement of the odds that a draft selection made by the Oilers will be a wise one). Currently out with an injury, after the Edmonton Sun put the whammy on him before the Canucks game last weekend. Another guy who's made World Championships lemonade out of the lemon of Oiler postseason ineptitude.

According to his team bio, Clock scored 100 goals in 25 games for his Bantam team in Banff. Huzzah!

Georges "Je n'aime pas Sean Avery" Laraque: last seen breaking Brant Myhrres' face in preseason, the Flames frankly don't have anyone who can throw down with this guy. Fortunately, he's such a skating and defensive liability that he's averaging about 3 shifts a game, and is unlikely to add anything to the Battle of Alberta except for unintentional comedy.

Radek "Pouzar" Dvorak: shown here demonstrating his customary April activity. His one NHL season with 20 or more goals has somehow deluded Oilers coaches into putting him onto their #1 line, although admittedly the alternatives are similarly unappealing.

Shawn "Hork" Horcoff, Ales "Don't Call Me Alice" Hemsky, Raffi "Raffi" Torres, Jarrett "Roadrunner" Stoll, and Jani "Jason Bonsignore" Rita: these Fab Five young skaters are the future of the team, which begs the question: will it be a drab, unfulfilling "Edward Scissorhands" future, or an unimaginably dismal "Escape From New York" future.

Craig "SPCA" Mactavish: coach of the whole sorry lot, and merely the most visible example of the Oil's past-grasping. Other team staffers include Kevin "Peter Principle" Lowe, Charlie Huddy, and Craig Simpson; I believe Kevin McClelland also parks cars in a vacant lot near Rexall, and there's a job waiting for Dennis Bonvie when he finally retires.

Hope this helps, Flames fans!

Footnote: This post header is ripped off directly from a Daily Show graphic last month, right down to the asterisks.

The "odd reason" is painfully obvious from the overly-defensive yet intimate-with-Oiler-history entry itself: you're a closet Oiler fan. I'm feeling the same disappointment the gays did when Roy Cohn died of AIDS.

That picture of Pronger in the Whale uni breaks my heart. The first game he played in Edmonton, as a Whaler, I attended. I went down into the Golds to get a good look at him, and was overwhelmed. He was massive. At that time, he was 18, the same age as me, and he must have only weighed like 130 pounds. But the height was scary. He towered over other players. Now that he has bulked up to fit his height, I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to go in front of the night with him there. Seriously. Seeing him on television does not give a true scope of his massiveness. Whenever you can, sneak down to the Golds (assuming you can't afford them) and take a look at him.