We may be incredulous of the naive expectations of the massive storm; or the religious leader who blamedSandy on New York State’s acceptance of gay marriage. Yet, what lay in front of us was a solid lesson in where the future may lead for many cities across the globe.

We may be incredulous of the naive expectations of the massive storm; or the religious leader who blamedSandy on New York State’s acceptance of gay marriage. Yet, what lay in front of us was a solid lesson in where the future may lead for many cities across the globe. Past the cut, here’s the first of a two part blog on what Hurricane Sandy taught us about surviving the urban apocalypse.

Comedy, the most essential of tools in your survival kit. If you can’t keep your morale up, you’ll be lost, so keep this song from master musician and comedian, Bill Bailey, to hand. Especially if you find yourself to be a human slave in an insect nation.

And remember: the spiders are not insects, but in the war they will side with the insects.

Just because the archaeologists keep managing to put down the armies of the undead, doesn’t mean the world’s been saved – one of these days the mummies will triumph and then it’s march-of-the-undead, dust-of-the-ages and rotting bandages all over the place.

Bad news: once you’ve got an infestation of mummies you’re looking at a relentless hoard of killing machines that can scale most surfaces and adapt to most injuries. Any attempts to slow them down by chopping off limbs will result in those limbs reanimating and coming after you so decapitation is best although a grenade down the throat has also proven to be effective.

But killing each mummy in the hoard will be time consuming so what you really need is a mass solution – luckily there’s The Book of Amun-Ra which will give you all the spells you need to control the armies of the undead. Made of solid gold, most treasure hunters worth their salt will know something about it – look for it under the statue of Horus in Hamunuptra if the site is still intact, otherwise look for any reincarnated royal mistress who’s sending minions out to dig the sands. Once you’ve recovered the book you’ll need the key to unlock it and a good knowledge of Egyptian Hieroglyphics or you might accidentally end up summoning more mummies.

Follow the Leader

Once the mummy hoards have been dealt with, you should turn your attention to the leader because as long as he’s walking around he’ll be looking to raise more mummies, steal armies of undead minions from forgotten Gods, unleash a few plagues and generally do whatever he (and it’s usually a he) can do to keep himself in the evil overlord hotseat.

Unfortunately he’s a little harder to kill than his mummified minions. You’ll need a spell to take away his immortality, which can also be found in the Book of Amun-Ra (a handy thing to keep in any post-apocalyptic library) – but if you don’t have the fabled book in your possession you’ll need to make use of his weaknesses to turn away his attacks while you yell at your resident tomb raider to hurry up and get the big gold tome.

As distractions go, pretty women seem to be quite effective. Specifically, pretty women who bear a vague resemblance to his long lost love. As weapons go, this one cuts both ways as he’s just as likely to decide to use your plucky bait as a sacrifice to reincarnate the aforementioned ancient girlfriend. Nobody wants that.

So your best bet is to throw a cat at him. Legend has it that the cat was the eternal enemy of the mummy, legend also has it that the Egyptians knew this and worshipped their feline overlords accordingly but be careful as you don’t want to swap the mummypocalypse for a cutepocalypse.

With luck and some killer combat moves you will eventually get all the pieces in place to cast the de-immortalising spell and once you’ve whammied him, a quick blade to heart will finish him off nicely. Just watch what happens to the remains because that long dead girlfriend we mentioned? Just as likely to reincarnate and try and bring him back so we’d advise you burn the body, scatter the ashes in multiple very-hard-to-reach places and give the local ancestral guardians your mobile number so they know who to call if things start looking a bit hinky…

Drop Bears are a serious threat. Small bears that reside in trees in Australia. It’s in the name really, they drop from heights and devour their victims in a bloody massacre and they are on the increase.

A Drop Bear apocalypse is the sort of thing no one would see coming. Literally, really who looks up anymore?

Check out the Drop Bear Aware bog for more information on drop bears and their habits.

If there is a Drop Bear apocalypse, if they get out of Australia you are going to need to take precautions. Hard hats for a start. It’s a simple, inexpensive thing that could save your life! You may want to consider a lot more kevlar in your wardrobe and don’t get too relaxed in the home, drop bears can drop from anything, door frames, ladders, curtain poles. They are evil and tricky and want to at your flesh.

Not much is really known about them, so really all I can advise is hard hats while you do the perimeter checks each night, stay away from trees in the dark and if you are forced to camp out at the end of the world keep an eye on the sky people.

Arrr, mateys. The apocalypse be nigh, or so the ancient scrolls be tellin’ me. And I ought to know, as I am also the sea-farin’ captain of the Pirate Pub, currently on a trip ’round the world amassing the most accurate data on pubs to be visitin’ around the globe that will reward yer piratical thirst.

No! Not that crap film: the real thing! As the sea levels rise, how ready are you for the Aquaeous Revolution? How are your sea legs? Have you got:

a) hatb) bandanac) cutlassd) gold earring e) peg leg

How’s your chantey singing coming along? Long sea voyages, as the Vikings well knew, require entertainment. If you’re not whittling a new fo’c'sle or weaving new herring nets, you’ll probably have to be tanning leather, silversmithing or telling stories. And they better be good stories or into the drink you go. Sea-faring folk are a tough audience.

So, if you’re wise, you’ll start working on your knowledge of ocean-going vessels and get to know the common seabirds (and how to fricassée them). Practice glowering with just one eye and barking orders without spitting. Get rid of those city hands. Say a quick prayer to Yemaya. Bring me that horizon! Oh, and learn to tie a few knots.

The problem with Big Business accidentally losing track of all its toxic waste is that sooner or later it’s going to seep into places and mutate otherwise harmless animals into killer mutants set on taking over the world. Oh they’ll try and claim otherwise, but we know the truth. The Turtles are out to get us so it’s time to get prepared for the Turtle Apocalypse!

Natural HabitatThe enemy prefers sewers and is most known for lurking under New York. A cunning choice given that local legend suggests that it is in fact alligators who stalk the tunnels under the Big Apple. Local legend lies, or, at the very least, has been deliberately misinformed as the Turtles have killed any alligators or other vaguely predator (and, indeed, non-predator) life form to stray near their territory.

But don’t think avoiding New York will keep you safe. London has legends of feral pigs in the sewers, Paris has a crocodile, the ancient Romans had an octopus and you definitely want to be avoiding the sewers in Derry, Maine as the stories on that one are too many and varied for anyone’s sanity. Some may take this as proof that the sewers are mutating a variety of new and dangerous life forms but we know that it’s really just cover stories for a worldwide network of killer Turtles waiting for the right moment to attack.

Know Your EnemyDespite professing to be ninjas, they are not the subtlest of creatures and can often be found brawling in the open, usually with their own pet reporter in attendance. They have been known to wield Katana, sai, nunchaku or a bō staff, which, combined with their tendency to show off means a quick draw with a gun is your best bet.

They’re not the brightest of creatures either and are highly susceptible to traps – we recommend pizza if you want to lure them out. Pizza is Turtle crack. If you’re all out of pizza then get your hands on a giant talking rat as they seem to have something of a fetish for this mutant species. Something to do with father issues from what we understand.

They are also highly effective in the use of propaganda and keep a pet reporter specifically for the task of spinning accounts of their mass-murdering exploits. They even have a recruitment song:

Ok, yes, they may have wiped out a few evil-ninjas, local criminals and alien invaders but that was just them taking out the competition as they don’t play well with others. Actually, most of the time they don’t even play well amongst themselves which gives you an extra tactical advantage if you can make your strike when they’re on one of their breaks. Go in quick, avoid any temptation to taunt them and take no prisoners.

And if you’re not scared yet, remember this: they’re also partially responsible for the Ninja Rap.

For my second ANOS (apocalypses not otherwise specified) post, I would like to draw your attention to space crickets.

Yes. You read me right. Crickets from space.

Laugh all you like (and I’m sure you are, there may even be a good deal of scornful snorting going on… snort away) because I’m pretty certain Quatermass was laughing too until he clapped eyes on this:

Grotesque and fiendish, yes? Amazing how those plucky, sneaking little insectoid aliens manage to slip beneath the radar in order to pull the kind of fast one that has cricket DNA ridden humans hunting down and killing non-cricket DNA humans in a frenzy of blood-spattered, rabid, eugenically evangelical hatred.

Oh, yes indeed… Make no mistake about it, crickets from space are a definite going concern and if one wishes to prepare for all possible apocalyptic type exterminations of the human race, one needs a solid plan for what I like to call ‘WHEN CRICKETS ATTACK!’

Now that’s not quite got the ring of Crickageddon, I admit, but it’s definitely fulfilling a retro b-movie fetish that lurks, all unbidden, in the festering, unswept corners of my subconscious. Imagine it said in one of those booming, bass-heavy voices filled with an edge of manly hysteria and I think you’ll find it a worthy title for a plan.

So, what in Hades brown pyjamas with the copulating bunnies in gimp masks does this plan consist of, you ask? I shall explain.

A)Steer clear of digs in the underground. If you happen upon, or are involved in, said sort of dig, vacate the premises at once and with due haste should you come across anything resembling a spaceship.

B)If your gobbets of insect DNA gift you with precognitive psychic powers, hang on to the shreds of your humanity with a white-knuckled grip and use those powers for the good of your friends. Fellow cricket DNA possessors may look like friends but, be assured, if step C of this plan goes into action, you’ll not be wanting to explain yourself to any friend left alive when the cricket menace is dealt with. Best to remain loyal, no matter what that devilish cricket DNA is telling you about those lowly, evolutionarily backwards, simian-type relatives you once called fellows.

C)If a towering hologram of a cricket appears anywhere in your neighbourhood, proceed at once to the nearest giant crane and energetically swing said crane into the face of the hologram. That’s a sure fire way to scupper a cricket’s most dastardly plans for world domination. People will thank you… if they have any idea what’s just happened whatsoever. Best not to expect anything, just quietly congratulate yourself and have a nice cup of tea to soothe those wayward nerves.

Now you have the plan in all its glory. Learn it, internalize it. Much like the muscle memory brought about by endless kata it must be set solid into the wobbling matter of your delicate lobes to be called upon at any moment. Then, lightning like, it will enable you to respond to the unholy menace that is unleashed ‘WHEN CRICKETS ATTACK’.

Mock not and heed my words because, let’s face it, we just can’t trust creepy crawlies of any kind, especially not crickets from space who mess with our DNA, bury spacecraft in our underground systems and use giant holograms to direct mass slaughter.

Be safe, be aware, be prepared. Somewhere out there in the deepest dark of the universe, space crickets are plotting our demise…