WASHINGTON—Yet
another revelation of tainted Chinese imports has drawn consternation
from both the US government and its citizen alike. “Just when we
thought it couldn’t get worse,” laments FDA commissioner Andrew
von Eschenbach, “we received the test result of several imported
Chinese poisons—and they indeed contained a dangerous level of toys.”

Use of cheaper materials and a critical lack of Chinese regulation has
dealt a serious blow to consumer confidence here in the US. “Christmas
is just around the corner,” says single mother Clare Demure, “and
I’m scared to buy my kids the poison, lead and date-rape drugs they
love, for fear of toys.” Poison sales are down nationwide in the
wake of new toy concerns.

Many are demanding a new agency be set up to monitor and test Chinese
imports. “Yes, we will be setting up a new agency,” says House
Minority leader John Boehner, “to monitor and test all poison imports
coming into the country.” Then he cried. And, frankly, he smelled
like gin.

“We currently have no reliable means to test poison,” says
Eschenbach, “and we’ll be forced to devise new and clever
ways for detecting these dangerous playthings in our poison.” The
agency is expected to lock children in a warehouse with various imported
poisons. “If they die, we know the poison is pure,” adds Eschenbach,
“if we hear the squeals of delight and general horseplay, we know
we have a serious problem and we’ll burn down the warehouse.”

The new agency is expected to be up and running by early next year, though
some argue the task could be performed at less cost by outsourcing the
testing to China.