I take rappers seriously so you don’t have to.

First things first: Iggy Azalea is authentic. (Iggy Azalea, by the way, is her stage name — her real name is Amethyst Kelly.) The whole world now knows this, since she has just explained this in a popular song lyric. Previously, she recorded a song with T.I. — to this date, nobody has erased her vocal track from that record.

Iggy Azalea, like gravity (a topic upon which she is prepared to give lectures), is a powerful force. As a result, you should want to have sex with her. Should you attempt to take Iggy on a date, know this: her perfect night would include dancing, a mixture of alcoholic beverages, dressing up for the occasion, and expensive jewelry. She does not mix her liquor, preferring to drink it straight. She likes to party on rooftops and listen to loud music with catchy song structures and substantive bass, like the songs she herself records. When she spills her champagne, you should attempt to catch it in your mouth, since she drinks only the finest champagne that you can probably not afford to procure otherwise.

Iggy Azalea is, in a word, fancy.

You already knew Iggy was fancy, so forgive Charli XCX for explaining it again anyway. The two of them travel worldwide. One of the drinks they seem to enjoy is Goldschläger, a Swiss cinnamon schnapps which contains about half a Euro’s worth of gold flakes as a visible ingredient. You should remember the names “Iggy Azalea” and “Charli XCX” because both are about to become much more popular than they are at present.

Iggy can rap well. She is unable to shop at department stores, since she is snobbish. She will not perform for charities. You should rewind the song a little, so that you once more hear her explain that she requires money to perform. Iggy has no time to worry about people who dislike her. She has a demanding work schedule that does not allow her this luxury.

Iggy once heard a rumour that somebody makes a lot of money. It turned out that person was her. She spells her stage name with four letters: the first letter is I, the second and third letters are G, and the final letter is Y. When you publish Iggy’s name in any way, you should set “Iggy” in boldface type. This is her design preference, since it connotes importance.

Iggy has been working quite regularly of late, as noted, and therefore has made a great deal of money. She intends to toss her unwanted change at the audience next time she performs on stage.

Charli XCX feels the need to reiterate that Iggy and herself are, in a word, fancy — they tour, they drink Goldschläger, and so on. What are some of the fancy things that they do? Well, for one, they trash hotel rooms while on tour, after getting drunk on alcohol procured from the minibar. Yes, they are rich enough that they can afford to buy things from the minibar — they also think nothing of paying a hotel’s exorbitant telephone charges. They enjoy this life. They listen to loud music, swing from chandeliers, imagine that they are film stars, and refuse to allow you to grope them.

They are, in a word, fancy.

Iggy likes to show off her wealth. When she does, the world wonders how she became so wealthy. She dislikes it when people try to grope her, though she does like to tease them with her voluptuous body. She looks so delicious that men want to eat her. She never lowers the volume on her stereo. She alludes to a James Bond film, in order to suggest that she, like Bond, has expensive tastes and thinks nothing of murdering her foes.

Iggy and Charli are pretty fancy! Iggy spells her stage name with four letters — an I, two Gs, and a Y. Don’t forget! Her popularity should soar soon, and you will look foolish if you don’t know who this “Iggy” is that everyone will soon be talking about.

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Kanye begins with samples that allude to the legend of Pygmalion. Pygmalion, a sculptor of godlike artistry, lost interest in women after regarding the debauchery of the Propoetides (in legend, the world’s first prostitutes). Pygmalion instead fell in love with a statue he carved out of ivory. The goddess Aphrodite brought the statue to life, and Pygmalion married her, thus literally constructing for himself an ideal woman.

Through this sampling, West suggests his godlike power to mould women similarly. He will teach them the true value and meaning of life. He denies his sexual interest in these women. Then he says he is a god and women should massage him and have group sex with him. They should also serve as his valets.

West repeatedly declares himself a god. However, he does not consider this blasphemy. God has taken his life in hand, and taken a special interest in the Jesus-like Kanye. Also, if you mess with Kanye he will smite you.

Kanye West claims to be the only rapper meaningfully compared to Michael Jackson (who was not a rapper). He refuses to cater to his fans or the media, and in fact delights in offending his critics. The best way to offend is to wear pink shirts and a backpack. This is the height of style.

Kanye knows style, for he has become a godlike figure in the world of fashion, as far as he is concerned. His friends deserve some credit for this. He shall continue to reign supreme over all of rap and fashion’s creation, until he is struck by lightning and dies.

Kanye is a god. Therefore, he expects a massage — stat! He dines in fancy French restaurants where the service is too slow. Bring him his croissants, now! Kanye screams, perhaps out of frustration at having to wait too long for croissants, despite how much he is probably paying for these croissants, given the fanciness of this French restaurant.

After he has tired of screaming, Kanye recounts a conversation that he recently had with Jesus. Jesus wondered what was up with Kanye. Nothing much, as it turns out. He was just relaxing and stacking money (with some difficulty, given how much money he has — we can assume that the piles kept falling over). That was the whole conversation.

Even though Kanye is a god, he has humility. He knows that Jesus is slightly greater than he. Since Kanye has the proper respect for Jesus, they hang out all the time. They chill at each other’s pads. They are family, like the mafia.

By the way, Kanye is a god. Kanye will never stop being a god. Cue the screams.

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Rihanna begins the song by singing gibberish to establish the melody, a common musical technique — she continues to sing gibberish even after the melody is established. She then asks, “What’s my name?” This is a rhetorical question. Rihanna does not suffer from amnesia or an identity crisis. Rather, she say this to increase her sexual pleasure during coitus.

Drake announces that he has heard of Rihanna’s sexual appetites secondhand from an unnamed source. He attempts to complete a math equation, unsuccessfully, hoping to arouse her sexual interest. Drake then tries to convince Rihanna that, if the conditions are right and include both marijuana and white wine, he might be able to please her sexually. After they undress, she appears dissatisfied and attempts to leave, but Drake convinces her to stay for at least 20 minutes because traffic is bad anyway. She later leaves, and he texts her suggestively.

Though it may sound unimpressive to the listener, Rihanna states that this has been her most fulfilling sexual encounter. She looks forward to her next lovemaking session with Drake. She hopes that he will be adept at orally pleasuring her. She desires intense sexual pleasure that she believes can be achieved only through surrendering her body to a man like Drake. She then asks Drake to repeat her name.

Rihanna would rather be with Drake than any other man. She is open to any suggestion he might make. She implies, metaphorically, that this includes anal sex.

For the confused listener, who doesn’t understand how Drake has managed to elicit this level of commitment from Rihanna when he couldn’t convince her to remain in his company for more than 20 minutes, Rihanna explains. In that time, Drake determined precisely how her body might respond to various stimuli. He thus drove her to the point of madness. Perhaps this also explains the gibberish.

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“Regulate” is an example of narrative poetry, in which the drama takes place over three acts. First, in the prologue, Warren G calls upon his “regulators” — friends who protect him (for unexplained reasons, Warren G cannot defend himself). Here the song takes a self-reflexive, somewhat postmodern twist: just as Nate Dogg steps in to “regulate” the streets and make them safe for Warren G, so also does he “regulate” the song itself, providing a much-needed hook through his vocal performance, thus “saving” Warren G’s character in the fiction and Warren G’s single in reality.

In the first act, Warren G heads into the streets in search of one or more women. At the same time, Nate Dogg heads into the streets to find Warren G. Nate sees a car full of women (what Warren is looking for) but cares little. Warren, meanwhile, has become distracted and attempted to join a dice game, only to be robbed at gunpoint. The women in the car, while checking Nate Dogg out, are distracted by his physical beauty and crash. Nate then glimpses Warren being robbed — instead of fighting back, Warren wishes for wings so he might escape, an ineffective strategy. Nate, luckily, has loaded his gun with 17 bullets (a full clip and chamber) and murders the would-be robbers, saving Warren. (Kindly, Nate credits Warren with also being a “regulator” of the streets, perhaps to soothe his bruised ego.)

In the second act, unconcerned by the just-committed murders, Nate mentions the crashed car of women to Warren. The two agree that having sex with the women, rather than taking them to the hospital or sanitizing the crime scene, is the best course of action. All drive to a nearby motel to have sex.

However, the third act finds Warren and Nate not having sex but lecturing both women and listeners on the genre of G-funk. In G-funk, bass and treble are of equivalent importance. Rhythm and melody combine unerringly. Both chords and string progressions are prevalent. G-funk is not merely a musical genre — it transcends musicality to become philosophy. One should smoke marijuana while listening to G-funk.

Nate Dogg will kill you “if your ass is a buster.” (“Busters” are unlikely to appreciate G-funk.)

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The song begins with a radio announcer praising LL Cool J’s “triumphant comeback.” LL Cool J takes umbrage at this comment — his recent success is not properly a comeback, since he has been plying his trade for some time. His many detractors will be reduced to tears when faced with the power of LL Cool J’s heavy bass sound. LL likens the heaviness of this sound to an explosion, and himself to a giant. His lyrics are so aggressive that listeners will call upon the police for help. He will destroy his competition in the music world, and anybody who looks at him for a prolonged period.

LL Cool J notes that his mother has goaded him into his present fury. She has directed LL Cool J to physically assault and incapacitate anyone who dares denigrate him on any level, and he intends to do just that.

To regard his music and lyrics as anything but extraordinary, LL feels, is to miss the point. His talent and ambition are limitless — establishing his supremacy on Earth is merely the first stage of interplanetary conquest. LL feels his ability to rap is comparable only to Muhammad Ali’s ability to punch people in the face. Why would anybody challenge him? He will slay any foolish challengers, for he is a psychopath, and has a strong command of the English language.

It is his mother who has taught him to behave in this manner.

As soon as LL Cool J heard an unnamed song on the radio, he began preparing to assault the song’s author. The song apparently implied that LL was inexperienced as a rapper. He maintains otherwise, and proffers his forthcoming tour (not his first) as evidence. During this tour, he intends to injure anyone who does not show him the proper respect. His mother directed him to do so. Nor will LL be satisfied to injure others. He intends to murder them if necessary, resorting to gun violence.

LL feels that both his mother and God Himself will approve of these extreme actions.

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Tupac‘s basic purpose in writing is to taunt his enemies for their inability to favourably compare with him in any meaningful way — Tupac is so superior to his enemies that they effectively (and metaphorically) are unable to see him. George Clinton agrees. Tupac‘s focus is on gang activities and compiling wealth — those who attempt to foil his schemes, however ineffectively, are to be considered his enemies, even if they are unaware that Tupac might consider them such. To be labelled Tupac‘s enemy is a terrible thing — at best, Tupac will emasculate his enemies and reduce them to tears, and at worst he may murder them while their senses are dulled by drug use. As far as his enemies are concerned, Tupac might as well be a monster from the depths of Hell — such is his might.

Tupac implies that this might stems primarily from his willingness to become involved in illegal activities. His own mother worries that he is too heavily involved in gang-related activities (this claim may be independently confirmed), but her concern does not dissuade him. Tupac states that, in addition to being involved in gang activities, he has a successful career as a recording artist. He credits his success as a rapper primarily to his lyrical prowess. The mere release of the album containing this single will result in the death of his enemies.

Tupac then mockingly asks George Clinton where his enemies went, as they ran to hide from him, imitating a popular tagline from a Warner Bros. cartoon.

Tupac reveals that the fatal error of his enemies was to orchestrate the pairing of Tupac and Dr. Dre, creating an unstoppable team. He does not explain how or why his enemies came to make such a horrible mistake. Now that he has successfully teamed up with Dre, his powers are godlike, and he is able to sit in judgement of his enemies. Their attempts to murder him have failed — their bullets missed, perhaps because they were unable to properly view their target while shooting. Tupac defies his enemies, and dares them to try to kill him again. His success was ordained by destiny; they will fail. Tupac has the ability to stare into the hearts of men and discern their hidden motivations.

George Clinton and Tupac repeat that it is not possible, metaphorically and perhaps literally, to “see” Tupac. Tupac then dedicates the song, ironically, to the Notorious B.I.G.

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Snoop begins the song by exhorting his producer, The-Dream, to abandon production duties and instead sing the song’s hook. Snoop believes that this hook will hold particular appeal for the female gender. The-Dream complies, and in doing so establishes the song’s poetic conceit (an overarching metaphor that will give the song structure). The conceit is that the everyday activities of gangbanging find meaningful parallels in the act of sexual courting — for this reason, gangsters make the best lovers.

Although Snoop might be expected to develop this conceit, instead he more or less abandons it, only making passing reference to gangsters. Instead, he describes himself and his lovemaking abilities by reference to the Marx Brothers. Among the many things he intends to do to his lover is bite her, as a dog might. Snoop then indicates that The-Dream should resume singing.

The-Dream attempts to return to discussing gangsters, and reiterates the metaphorical relationship between gangsters and lovers.

Snoop refers to himself as a gangster, and states that it was during his gang tenure in Long Beach that he learned to properly satisfy a woman sexually. Presumably, this was part of his gang initiation. However, Snoop spends most of the verse describing his lovemaking prowess without reference to gangsters. He reiterates his claim that he intends to bite his beloved, and suggests that he is a vampire. The-Dream is commanded to resume singing.

The-Dream once more attempts to return to the subject of the song. Snoop parries by instead bragging about his lavish lifestyle and sexual prowess. The woman he chooses will benefit from both. Snoop ends by stating that he is also a gangster, by the way, and that The-Dream should sing once more.

The-Dream obeys Snoop, and the song ends with The-Dream reinforcing his claim that the song was, in fact, about “gangsta luv,” despite Snoop’s apparent unwillingness to cooperate.

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Akin to Homer’s invocation of the muse in both the Iliad and Odyssey, Jaicko begins by crediting his inspiration for the song to a combination of his own personal attractiveness, some sexy woman he spied on the street, and a sandwich. These things have led him to the idea for the song “Oh Yeah.”

Jaicko has written and recorded the song “Oh Yeah” in order to tell the world that he has written and recorded the song “Oh Yeah.” He has released this song as a radio single. He realizes that the song is annoying, but because it’s catchy he predicts that you will enjoy it despite yourself, and purchase his ringtone.

Although you may be resistant to the song at first, and not want to like the song, eventually you will learn to love it after hearing it on the radio so often. You will even turn up the radio when the song plays, despite your better judgement, and allow your head to bob in time with the music. Jaicko knows it won’t be considered “cool” to like this song, but is confident that the catchiness of “Oh Yeah” will prevail.

“Oh Yeah,” Jaicko feels, will be his claim to fame. Although you may be jealous of his success, you will ultimately accede that it’s a good song and sing along, like millions of others. Jaicko is particularly confident that the song will appeal to Spanish demographics. All told, the song will secure Jaicko’s place in pop history, and impress beautiful women.