walk with me

I’ve been getting a workout from this new hire at work. As they say, she’s a good kid. Very talkative though. VERY. TALKATIVE.

She is someone that has mounds of potential (I think I used mound right) and could stand to use some polishing and guidance. But every time I turn around she has something to say: to me, customers, her family when they come, etc. Sometimes all I can think is wooow, you sho’ talk a lot. She seems to think out loud and can easily jump from topic to topic. Very extraverted.

I’m not used to it.

It can be refreshing though. One night she got my attention when she was talking about her being sensitive—oh, she will also notify people when they might hurt her feelings. Its a little annoying but I think it’s best to talk about it, which is what I told her. She’s also a teenager, so I want to be delicate sometimes as I remember how I was at that age. As we were walking around she was saying how much she hates that about herself, the sensitivity, and how she wishes she could change that. Talking about how someone can accuse her of doing or saying something she knows she didn’t do and even though she knows that, she still will think damn “well did I say it? Did I do it? I really hate that about myself.”

At that moment, I wanted to say something. I did, but it wasn’t as eloquent as I wanted. There are millions of thoughts that surround this topic for me. I did tell her she just hasn’t mastered herself yet, and that is true, among other things. She seemed to understand me some.

Like this:

I went to the back to get rung up and already spoke to everyone else back there, but hadn’t seen a pharmacist…up close (I knew she was back there.) So I yelled out “hey to whoever the pharmacist is,” she was on the phone. After some time, guess who moseyed themselves up front to get rang up?

Like this:

I have caught myself numerous times continuously complaining about every little thing there is. Jobs. People. Places. And when I wasn’t going through something in real life, my mind had no problem just…creating all these scenes that weren’t even real. Everything just got on my nerves. I didn’t give it much thought, until this past weekend. I hadn’t been spending much needed time with myself, and neglected some mental care. I asked Self, why so negative? I knew the answer but I thought maybe I’d discover more.

I did when I fell asleep on the couch and had a dream, or a series of dreams, where I was with some family members but found myself getting continuously left behind. They didn’t wait for me, just told me what they were doing and proceeded to get their things and leave.Read More »

Like this:

After feeling very uncertain and lost, I think I know for sure (as of right now) what I want to do. But the road is still full of questions.

Ever since I got my license and first started looking for jobs years ago, there was always a feeling of total “UGH” jolting in my stomach when I’d even just think about going to one of those job sites. This intense feeling of dissatisfaction and hindrance. Sure, no one really likes looking for jobs. But it was always this immediate knowing inside of me that was saying, you weren’t meant to live this. No, this isn’t for you. I’ve tried to ignore it for the most part. I still have bills and while I live with my family, they’re also in retirement age after working pretty much all their lives, so while I’m aiming to eventually move, I also feel I must pick up some financial gaps around here. I am 26 and way past being a child. But isn’t it so annoying to have this inner knowing scream at you and for you to do nothing about it, or now know it and just don’t see how you can put more time into it while still making money? Much needed money at that.

Sometimes I have to sit back and place my hand on my stomach and say, what are you trying to tell me? It can’t be just “these jobs aren’t for you” jolts. I’ll get to the bottom of it.

I feel I have gotten over my initial disgust with service work. I’ve heard things being suggested to me like being a nurse or therapist, and the alike. But these are things that were suggested based on their best judgment and what they could see in me. I am not interested in the traditional, professional paradigm of business. Or traditional care work. But I still have a desire to help people. I have done so much work on myself and now after experiencing what it’s like to live in truth and wholeness, I just want to give people the nurturing and guidance I wish I had all these years. I have even heard that I need to work for myself and be my own boss. I didn’t take this seriously before, thinking that I was going to have to run a business from a typical brick-and-mortar standpoint. But I see how limited that thinking was. It doesn’t have to be anything like that. I thought maybe I was going to have to bring in employees and boss them around. But maybe it can be a party of “one” for now. I don’t know much about writing and blogging but I know it will be used to share my experience and guidance. Hopefully to help people see things from a different stance and help train them into being their own leaders and personal healers.