How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationships

“There are those whose primary ability is to spin wheels of manipulation. It is their second skin and without these spinning wheels, they simply do not know how to function.”

― C. JoyBell C.

Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim’s expense.

It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.

Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:

They know how to detect your weaknesses.

Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.

Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.

In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking advantage of you, he or she will likely repeat the violation until you put a stop to the exploitation.

Root causes for chronic manipulation are complex and deep-seated. But whatever drives an individual to be psychologically manipulative, it’s not easy when you’re on the receiving end of such aggression. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are eight important keys, with excerpts from my book (click on title) "How to Successfully Handle Manipulative People". Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.

1. Know Your Fundamental Human Rights*

The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights.

to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.

to create your own happy and healthy life.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries.

Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights. Psychological manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the manipulator, who’s in charge of your life.

2. Keep Your Distance

One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us have a degree of this type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type of behavior from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them.

3. Avoid Personalization and Self-Blame

Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights. Consider your relationship with the manipulator, and ask the following questions:

Am I being treated with genuine respect?

Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?

Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?

Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?

Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the “problem” in the relationship is with you or the other person.

Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity of their scheme. For example:

“Does this seem reasonable to you?”

“Does what you want from me sound fair?”

“Do I have a say in this?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“So, what do I get out of this?”

“Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?"

When you ask such questions, you’re putting up a mirror, so the manipulator can see the true nature of his or her ploy. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.

On the other hand, truly pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation.

In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an answer from you right away, to maximize their pressure and control over you in the situation. (Sales people call this “closing the deal.") During these moments, instead of responding to the manipulator’s request right away, consider leveraging time to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying:

“I’ll think about it.”

Consider how powerful these few words are from a customer to a salesperson, or from a romantic prospect to an eager pursuer, or from you to a manipulator. Take the time you need to evaluate the pros and cons of a situation, and consider whether you want to negotiate a more equitable arrangement, or if you’re better off by saying “no,” which leads us to our next point:

6. Know How To Say “No”―Diplomatically But Firmly

To be able to say “no” diplomatically but firmly is to practice the art of communication. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “no” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life. In my book “How to Successfully Handle Manipulative People,” I review seven different ways you can say “no,” to help lower resistance and keep the peace.

7. Confront Bullies, Safely

A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person.

The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. But many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.

On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light:

"When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.”—Tom Hiddleston

“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.”—Paramhansa Yogananda

“I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's insecure.” —Shay Mitchell

When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It’s important to stand up to bullies, and you don’t have to do it alone.

8. Set Consequences

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t take “no” for an answer, deploy consequence.

The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills you can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to respect. In my book (click on title) “How to Successfully Handle Manipulative People,” consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.

For more in-depth tools on how to effectively handle difficult individuals, see also my book (click on title):

* The Fundamental Human Rights are grounded in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, laws in many democratic nations protecting against abuse, exploitation, and fraud, and, if you’re in the United States, the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I always knew my life was different than most other children's lives. I was the scapegoat of the family. I knew something was wrong in our family. I was warned though, that I was never to share what went on within our family with any relatives or friends. I now know that is a giant RED flag of abuse. Although anger was always directed at me, in a kick the dog if you are having a bad day, I mad the decision to get an education and better my life lot by putting myself through college. Many stumbling blocks were put in my way but I climbed over each and every one of them. I unfortunately married a person who was like my mother but in male form. After many years of marriage, I felt strong enough to leave that marriage. Walking away is never easy when those you need to walk away from are family members. If the manipulation or the abuse is bad enough, it is best to stay away. Those who manipulate will try to get others to help manipulate or guilt you into returning. Just be aware that some will use any tactic to bring you back into the fold. Without a scapegoat, they may have to realize their flaws.

I have a manipulative wife who gave me a sob story about her family and her baby daddy who is incarcerated. She had men in her life that should I say had fun times with her. I subconsciously was out to aid her and show her what true love is. To my surprise I became the blame for alot. Experience years of laziness from her. Also the my money is actually her money type fiasco. Many of the true events that I could tell most would say I am making up. Luckily I started recording the mental outburst that she did not inform me of and the many times of her getting upset of me all ways thinking in the gutter. But if another male friend can talk gutter talk to her and she's absolutely fine with it and further encourage it. I have screenshots. Time doesn't heal especially over a decade and same stuff different area. I just don't understand how people like this get away with even when you report them. Even when cops let her off the hook for fighting my stepdaughter and wrecking the car I bought her with my son in it. She claim car hydroplaned... So I drove on the wet road, same area going 40 in 25 with my crappy car.... No hydroplane even when stopping at the last minute. But yes our pain has our soul suffer while these people fake being cured or do not seek fixing theirselves.

Hey, I was seeing this girl. I fell in love with her and that's rare for me because i distance myself from a lot of ppl but i let her in and started to change a lot of stuff about me for her. I will admit some of the stuff she did was trying to help but all of it wasn't. I was be with her and she would constantly accuse me of being mardy and said she will go and see me when im not mardy, when i wasnt i was smiling and being kind. We went through a few little problems and one big one until not too long ago. We had unprotected sex and the next day i was feeling ill so i stayed in bed but she was texting me and stuff and then said she was scared about it even though the night before she was pretty much begging me to do and i even said numerous time we don't. So i sent her a text saying i see where you're coming from and if your worried just take the morning after pill (I knew as soon as i sent it i worded it wrong and it wasn't going to go down well).

I apologised and sent a few more saying i would be there for her and don't worry but she just told me to F*** Off which is understandable she would be mad. So i gave her a day or two text her saying she should ever think i would leave her on her own with a baby or anything, i love you and i have your back through anything, i want to be there for you. She carried on telling me to F off so i left it a bit more and then she sent me one the next day breaking up with me.

I was devastated that something so small had broke us up but she said it felt like i had left her alone and we weren't a team. but she barely spoke to me over the next week even with me numerous time apologising saying how bad i feel and stuff.

I was majorly depressed, i got over it after a week, well the depression but i was still in love with her. I told her i would die for her but she didnt believe me, she would text me every few days and once i repiled she only sent one word answers and accuse me of being manipulative because i said i would die for her and also said how depressed i've been because she wouldn't speak to me and that i felt like i wanted to die.

This was never my intention. I don't see the point in a relationship in its one sided. I never asked her to do anything, i supported her no matter what but she's already seeing some one else she told me, she said he messaged her the day we broke up and that he's older and stuff. This broke my heart hearing this and i said it hurt to hear it and ask why she told me and when i asked about him she wouldnt say anything she just said she can do what she wants and it was my fault because i was a dick. So here i am, I wouldn't say its as bad a people previous experience in the comments but it was hard for me to open up and i still love her and want to be with her but i don't want it to be one sided and i cant bare the thought of her being with some one else can some one please help me or give me advise?

This is like a shortest way i could tell it. Thank you for reading and please help me

If she isn't pregnant, just move on; you already apologized anf she doesn't care/is being vindictive. It sound like she either didn't love you for you (more like she loved who she wanted you to be) or she has some emotional/psychological issue. In either case, it's probably good that you be apart anyway. At least for the near future.

If she is pregnant with your child, then the child is 50% you regardless of what she says. You have a say in the child's upbringing and future, and a right to see him or her and spend time with him or her; some might say you have a moral obligation to provide for him/her (both parents in any case). These are things that you both would do welk to discuss regardless of whether or not you want to be together. If she refuses or tries to prevent you from being a part of the child's life simply out of spite, then there are laws that can help resolve the issue ; you might want to talk to a lawyer, poluce officer or friend who is going through a similar situation.

I am already in hell with my marriage. My husband has found this new techinique to make me give in to his aggression and domination. He has started manipulating, same as the signs mentioned in the article. To seize power over me, he starts with verbal abuse, then sometimes he hits me, throws things and when i am not disturbed enough he takes away my essential things that i need to use, in order to show me te consequence of not surrendering to him. He takes my phone away, he has broken my mportant things so that i can't use them again. And he knows my weaknesses and needs and destroys those very things and verbally abuses by saying the things which could hurt me the most in te world, all to punish me. He treats me so badly and tells me parents a completely different story, shows completely different behaviour to them, like he is the wisest of all. I can't imagine how i am going to spend my whole life with him. My parents believe in giving chance to a person to learn n improve but this is getting so hard for me to live with this person. He even told my parents that I have some mental illness thus all the problems are coming. What is the solution to this?? Please help.