CJ’s Top 5 Ways to Stay Awake on a Solitary Road-trip

Cross country road-trips can be dangerous entities, especially when attempted alone in the dead of the night. Many a person has fallen off the face of the earth never to be heard from again after heading for destinations known and unknown. The roads of this country have many obstacles that aim to curtail motorists, including potholes, construction, and the occasional bovine. Here are some proven methods to make sure you don’t end up in a ditch, unless that’s your chosen destination.

5 – Lots of Liquid Energy

It tastes like... burning.

Slurp up as much of the sickeningly sweet syrup as you can handle, and get ready to twitch your way to comfort and safety. Nothing is quite as breathtaking as feeling your heart racing when all you’re doing is sitting. If you’re in a time crunch you might want to invest in some adult diapers or get a catheter put in, as all that caffeine, guarana, and taurine will make you have to piss like a racehorse about every five minutes. When you get to your journey’s end if you want to get a restful night of sleep but find yourself tossing and turning from your mind and stomach churning from excess energy, you can slow your roll and neutralize this with the help of an ice cold Drank.

4 – Pyscho Killer and Other Mood Music

Now that you’ve got your heart a-pumpin’ and a-thumpin’, you need some way to channel this energy or you’re liable to drive into the back of a semi just to see what happens. Music helps provide a nice outlet for your liquid tension, preferably something loud, fast, and well-known to yourself. My personal preference for this comes in the form of a mix-tape with side one being an incomplete collection of The Clash’s London Calling and Combat Rock, and side two being “Psycho Killer and Other Mood Music.” This second side is a good assortment of classic rock songs that deal with insanity, which helps keep you on edge. If you’re worries about a psycho killer you’re probably not going to fall asleep.

3 – Prank Calls to Europe

The Classics are the Classics for a reason.

Once you’ve made yourself nearly horse guess what, you get to talk some more. But don’t worry for this one, disguising your voice is considered helpful. This method of occupying yourself requires a little bit of research before you actually hit the road. You need to figure out a good amount of long-distance numbers of residences and businesses. It’s best to set these numbers to your speed dial. Then get to it: prank call the hell out them. If you find yourself having to cycle through the numbers, that’s fine. The idea here is to keep yourself laughing and talking on the phone until its battery dies.

2 – Get into an Argument with Yourself

At this point you might feel like you’re all alone in a cold and distant world, which is true, at least at this specific juncture in your life. As long as you are secured away behind the wheel of your automobile by yourself for all practical purposes you are dead to the world. But there is one person you can still communicate with, someone you know deep down is a bastard. Yourself. Why not take this time in your inclosed bubble to tell yourself how you truly feel. But if you find it starting to turn to physical violence, pull back a little bit. For God’s sake, we’re trying to have a civilization here.

1 – Getting Pulled Over by the Police

You’ve now been successfully driving for quite some time, but I bet you are starting to get a little loopy. The argument with yourself has probably turned into nonsensical yips, whistles, and yodels. The music has found its way inside your skull, causing you to twitch and wiggle to an beat that sounds of in your mind. Bottom line here, even though you’re alert, you are driving a wee-bit erratically. Which is fine and dandy as it can add some excitement to your travels but is usually frowned upon by the boys in blue. So eventually you’ll probably get pulled over, and depending on your wit and charm end up either A) getting just a warning B) getting a ticket or C) getting carted off to jail. But no matter what the end result, you’ll get a huge adrenaline boost to keep you awake, which is really the bottom line here.

Enjoy your traveling and stay safe out there. After all, if you died in a horrible crash you wouldn’t be able to donate any money to everyone’s favorite charity: Feed a Starving Colinsworth. And that would be a damn shame.