I wont say “failed”. Because it’s not over. I have knocked off somewhere between 40-45 pounds since August. Slow moving yes…but still there. Still accounted for. Yes, I am plateauing and most likely it is due to stress and finances and not having enough room to buy the foods I need. Oh yeah, not working out, too.

Soooo. No streaks, no this no that…eating right-ish? Sure, okay. But after this, it’s something new this time around. I cannot afford Medifast or Optifast and blah blah blah, but I can afford powdered milk. I can afford frozen fruit. I can afford vanilla extract and ice. I can also afford bags of chicken, shrimp, fish, beef,pork and turkey in one way or another. Frozen vegetables? Sure. I can afford to sit my ass down and make something useful. You know, a budget for what little money I make. I hear on these programs you can lose 2-5 pounds a week, and I want that. I need order and restriction and a plan.

Seems the general plan is 4-5 shakes a day or something similar, maybe pudding, Jell-O, soup, whatever and one Lean-Green meal with 4-5 ounces meat and veggies until you drop. Okay, I want THAT. I need to find out how to tailor a diet with recipes that mimic Medi/Optifast completely and go with it. Discipline. I can afford not to let food rule me, and I am sick of this shit moving so slow. Until I can have this nice and planned, I’m going to keep at 1300-1500 calories a day with one or two liquid meals.

Most of all, I want my stomach to shrink along with my body. When the weight is gone and I am at maintainence? I wont tolerate it coming back. I have lived too long like this and I won’t do it again.

No, not quitting. I was just thinking of watching Children of Men for some reason.

Anyway, it’s been a terrible fuckin’ weekend. Just bad all around, and of course I ate to prove it and yadda yadda. Lot of wine, processed food…but I didnt overdo it at the pot luck so yeah. Anyway, I’m not starting over with my starting over. I want to keep my experiences fresh in my mind and know what drove me to do it. I realized that I usually see myself as the calm little center of the universe while everyone else is freaking out over the smallest little nuances. often, that makes me everyone’s rock when I’m sitting their calm and they are screaming, yelling, crying and hitting things or generally just being a super downer.

But I suppose I’m on the verge of an epiphany: I’m not the calm one. I drown my woes and stress in food and games and art. Mostly food, being a stress/binge eater and all. (I can at least say I -still- havent binged in months, just eaten bad things and got a bit too full here and there mostly on drinkage.) But yeah, when the going gets tough as mentioned, I eat. I cant afford therapy, but I am going to give it some thought. The one thing I resolve to do for myself is start the fabled Streak method. I want to make MYSELF proud by starting off with a 7 day goal. Just seven days of realizing food doesnt solve problems and if I need to cool off, I still have cigarettes and FPS games or some shit. (yeah I know smokes aren’t healthy, but I am not quitting right now as they stop me much of the time from mindless snacking)

So this entry is dedicated to my streak which will be updated every night at midnight. I’m not gonna write another entry until next monday to explain how it went, but here goes:

Notes: Small mistake: ate two Wheat thin flatbreads after logging calories on SP (updated here). Still within calorie/carb/sodium range though. Probably got a tiny bit more fiber, but still. Waited too long between meals.

Kinda fucked it up. Ate too much and bad stuff. This is how stress gets to me. In order to relax and calm my emotions I go “I’m just gonna eat whatever I want, fuck it”. I dont over do it, but the meals are usually high carb and kick my ass. Fucking hate stress, ugh. I don’t know what I should do to not stress eat, but two out of three days in my new plan being messed up? Bleargh.

I feel like I need to read the Spark. Like its going to magically solve the problem, right? I did at least finally get the book though!

Get this: I know its getting to me and messing with my head when I am watching a documentary on eating disorders and wondering if I should co-opt some of these Ana/Mina techniques like drinking water while eating, cutting food into small bites, etc. Yeah, not good. There’s a scent of desperation wafting about my head and it smells like “well hey, what if I did that and just stopped at say..140lbs?” as I watch though I feel terrible for what’s going on with these women. I do not want an eating disorder.

Why? Because I already have one. I binge/emotional/stress eat already, I just dont purge. But we discussed this before how the eating disorders of the heavy are dismissed because we on the other side of the spectrum. Our eating disorder nickname is “Greta/Lisa” to the general public. For Greedy/Lazy. Short end of the stick, right?

I really need to do some research on this shit. I need other ways to ease my anxiety and stress but all of the information seems to be geared toward the Ana/Mina folk. All of the understanding is too.

But enough butthurt. What I wanna do is start a “Streak”. Maybe…5 days of perfect nutrition if I can manage it? Start small, work my way up. And outlets; I need outlets. lots of them. These art deadlines are killing me and no doubt fueling my bad eating habits. And I’m starting to do too much at once. I go from perfect, perfect, perfect to crashing and burning hard and fucking myself over. Also restarting my work-out streak since I missed it yesterday.

I have what I want listed on Spark people as getting this weight of 287 to a weight of 200 by November. In short, I plan on making it to the fabled “One-Der-Land” by the end of the year. I think 80something pounds in 10 months is reasonable enough though I will have to bust my sick ass to get there.

Basically, 8-10 pounds a month is my goal here. For February, I am setting a goal to lose 8 pounds since it is my starting month of the new ‘plan’. Next month, I’ll shoot for 8.5 or nine.

Calorie limit: 1500 a day. If I don’t make 8, I’ll dock it to 1400 next month and see how that goes.

One liquid meal a day.

One meal with “bread” carbs a day to cut down on that whole issue. So a bagel with stuff -or- cereal, not both. for example. I think I’ll let it slide if I could my snack as say Triscuits and Sabras hummus.

Walk away the pounds 1 or 2 mile set daily, strength training of some kind every other day. If I “feel” it, I’ll do cardio twice a day. Gonna watch for burn out and be careful, though.

Setting time-related goals of organizing and working according to the Pomodoro Time management hack. Goal of february aside from weight: throw out uneeded shit and get my room super clean. Or as clean as this hole can get, anyway. Working on that an hour a day, no more, no less.

Keep with circadian rhythm reset. Intentions: to sleep no later than 3:30am and rise by 11am to work out, get my breakfast, shower and start workin’.

Eat red meat only once a week or once every other week. Already doing this at the moment, sort of.

So, goal: To be 280 by March 1st. Simple!

Now to stay motivated. Will edit this soon with my motivation/inspiration collage.

Maybe its the winter months or the anxiety about tattooing or all that other crap, but staying with eating clean and working out has been especially hard. Not hard as in “Fuck I dont wanna do it but have anyway” but more like “fuck, I forgot to work out again for the 7th day in a row. And why is there a refined carb in my hand?!”

Fuck. Get it together, Tyrone Leslie! Resetting my circadian rhythm in preparation for my apprenticeship has been tough as well. And I’m starting to wonder if I truly have the fucking thing at all. Not exactly super informed by my “teacher” over here. About two weeks ago I got a “Sorry I am having difficulty opening a shop” message on FB from him. Ah, okay thats cool and I definitely get it. But did I say something wrong in my reply that I trust him and figured he knew what he was doing and would wait? I left a message on his page about some joking “voodoo for the shop” that got baleeted. Did I fuck up somewhere without realizing it? And its not like I can ask, I dont wanna bug him. Also, pressure to move, my rent is spiking on the 1st, my NEW SCALE also seems as weird as the last one and both food weighing devices have randomly stopped working. Well, the one Eddie gave me is broken, but the usual suspect just needs new overly specialized batteries. And I dont know what to do with myself in the morning but lay on my bed like a tired zombie.

In short, all of this shit is ruining my weight loss efforts. Especially this month and the last, though the scale said AI lost 4 pounds BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD BE WONKY. One day it said I weighed 300. The next? 289. So what the fuck is going on here.

The walls are closing in on me. My rashes are coming back, the special cysts too. But I did in the midst of all this have my first quasi normal period in what…3-4 years?

It lasted 8 days and ended without a single day of spotting. Marvelous. And its been two weeks since, so we’ll see if it gives itself another 2 weeks before showing up again and I actually complete a 28 day cycle without digging in the old OB box, or if its just a fluke.

The walls are closing in on me.

I resolve to a two week challenge right this instant, though I feel like paranoid shit:

Walk away the pounds once a day, no exceptions. Teice if I feel inspired. Or strength training.

No more “off” days and forgetting to log certain foods. I guess I’ll be battery shopping soon or using the measuring cup more in the mean time.

Fuck the scale until Friday and then I will bring it downstairs here on the cement and see what it tells me on steady, solid ground. Until then, shunning it.

6 glasses of water a day. 8 is proving difficult. Crawling before I walk.

Definitely one of those shallow “Thank god I’m fat” moments as the PUA’s are hellbent on objectifying women according perfectly to what would make them feel like winners: “Scoring” women who fit the Iron Maiden perfectly. As in the beauty standard that Naomi Wolf mentioned in a book that most here know, I’m sure.

I know I am fat because its an armor against what happened to me as a child. And it is really, really very sad that IT WORKS SWIMMINGLY. Other than the occasional leer or compliment on my eye color while being brown (because you know ALL black people look the same and should not have anything but dark brown eyes.) I do not get bothered much. Yet here I am a journey to lose weight for my health…and now I’m scared.

When I am smaller I wont have my armor anymore. I’ll be targeted. This really, really, really scares the shit out of me.

But its not even about me, its about all women. Though I do not agree with the female who said “Men love violence and I do not speak to them unless absolutely required to” in so many words? I don’t blame her.

Keep in mind we live in a culture that views women as life support systems for vaginas with one thing wrong with them: having voices and sentience.

I gotta say. I don’t hate men, not by a long shot. But if I don’t know them and they speak to me, I suddenly forget english. Want my mind to change, dear males who think I am delusional or in the wrong? Bring us out of this rape culture where this is NOT the first woman to be shot in the face for either defending herself or rejecting a man’s advances…and then we’ll talk.

Deal? Causticstorm

So I ate. I was scared and greedy and emotional and wanting to keep my armor. I almost lamented this journey to let this extra 150lbs go. Just scared. I think I dont want this response to happen again, but I know why I did it. Fear. Fear really is the mind killer.

But really, what am I going to do when smaller? How do most smaller women protect themselves from this rape culture? Why are so many of us women big because we were fucked with as little girls and couldnt stand the thought of unwarranted hot breathing on our necks any longer?

I havent lost much these past two months, so its time to fix that. Why? let me tell you about the scale fiasco!

When I weighed myself some time in August I clocked in at about 318. Recently, I was at about 288ish. Lowest weight in this fiasco so far. However, you know the deal about the cheap-o Taylor scale as I have groused about it plenty. I pull out my highly reccomended and much reviewed EatRite scale and pop on it…only to come up anywhere from 299-302. My heart sank. Had I gained it back? So I hop off the Eatrite and hop -BACK- on the Taylor only to see it say 291 which I have been lately from poor food tracking and not working out enough. Oh, and monthlies…some of it is no doubt waterweight, but whatever.

Back on the Eatrite one day later….291.2.

I have come to a conclusion aside from these factors as well. Yes, I still weigh 290something. However, I am pretty damned sure I started this journey off at 325+ rather than simply 318. Apparently the Taylor scale likes to give some gratuity. So I have adjusted my starting weight to 328 since its gratuity seems to be at about 5-10 pounds less than it actually is on the Eatrite. Yet this begs the question…did I lose that much poop/water weight by my second weight in on the Eatrite or what?!

WHO DO I TRUST

Gonna go with the Eatrite. I weighed more in the beginning than I thought. Terrible. And now I weigh what I thought, apparently. So. It would seem I may have been far more the fatass I thought I was, but it means I lost more than I initially thought up until now.

It means I have lost close to 40lbs. Which would make so much more sense with all the confusion I was suffering in the beggining.

SO! GO ME, RIGHT? More a fatty but a bigger loser.

I am okay with this. Now to adjust my ticker.

Oh yeah, and apparently my friends are noticing the shrinkage. “You have a neck now” was a compliment given more than a few times. I’m flattered.

From this entry http://www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/forkingmyself/2010/11/06/my-plan-october-report/

<<Phase 1( 08/16/2010 -Date started Spark People- to 01/31/11): Start the ball rolling. No more soda (or soda every now and then in diet and without HFCS. I dont mind synthetic sweeteners as much as the next person contrary to the hype against them. I just go easy on them) No more fast food. (I’ve slipped once or twice. Got a nasty food hangover after Taco Bell once! Learned a new trick, too. Wait 15 minutes and see if you still want it. Works so far.) Work out 3-5 times a week. (still working on this) Lose 10% body weight. (Down 6.66%!) Get a work out schedule that I am comfortable with and can work around this dimly possible tattooing thing with. (Provided by Spark people) Walk every day. Somehow. Knock off 25 pounds at minimum. (Giving myself a wide berth here. Already lost 18! Keeping it all in reach) Quit smoking. >>

I would say that though I am not quite finished (It ends on the 31st) I am doing quite well while coming close to closing. I haven’t binge eaten much (except for today…well, less a binge and more super-period woes/ate 4 of those damnable cookies/bleeding like a stuck pig and havent eaten much else aside from the cookies and one sandwhich) and I’ve cut back on smoking. As of now I haven’t smoked in about 4 days. I’m really on and off with the smoking. I can go a week without it and then grab a pack and finish it in a day. I’m a compulsive smoker. <.<

Thinking about changing my goal to stop smoking to the end of Phase II. Just to ease the pressure off and stop this resurgence of slight overeating and going over my calorie deficits. When I dont smoke I tend to get kind of stupid about food. :/ Solution: cut back on smoking, buy American Spirit tobacco and FORCE myself not to light up back to back since they’re so strong. Sounds like a plan to me.

I have been working out 3 times a week though I fell off that wagon a bit in late september. And I have lost 28 pounds. …I think. That damnable scale!

So, okay on smoking. C+

Awesome on weight loss A+

Good for binge eating B-

Walk every day? I do what I can. C-

Stop drinking soda: A++(I have not had more than maybe 2-3 swigs of other people’s soda since fuckin’ SEPTEMBER. Go. Me.)

On a whim while posting to a Sparkpeople forum about what my biggest issue is.

Basically, during the week while escorting, the Fundies piss me off so much that I instinctually want McDonald’s breakfast. Some sort of comfort food that ruins my caloric success of the day. Alongside this, I end up not eating -before- I go out and come back from the clinic absolutely ravenous. Painfully so…

Seems I am going to have to invest in more puddy/Jello/yogurt or maybe even Cliff Bars to combat this issue. Or I could create my own bars, hell I dunno lol. I also need to get back in to food planning, but there has to be a way to make it strictly timed and not so confusing to plan. Sometimes I just dont have a taste for whats scheduled or I am too lethargic to go through the motions of cooking it.

My other issue: SLOWING THE FUCK DOWN WHEN EATING. Portion control and speed eating are major problems in this journey. I spend so much time cooking, but am such a mindless eater! Any meal I make is gone within 5 or 10 minutes. Just vanished. I was raised around athletes and soldiers in my family so loooots of fast eaters. As the Tomboy, I learned to eat from them. How the hell do I slow this shit down? I also get really anxious about people watching me eat, so I do it fast and try to get it over with.

3: I like cooking. I want to enjoy my food, not over eat it, savor it and have it be “clean”.

Lot harder than it sounds! So far I reaaally think I like having a smoothie for breakfast. Lately when I wake up the thought of food either irritates or sickens me for some weird reason. A smoothie hits me right at home nutritionally and consciously. I’m so sticking with liquid breakfasts. Maybe I’ll work a snack in of wheat bagel and cream cheese. I dunno.

Welp. Time to plan out my new eating habits.

Oh! New/extremely accurate bathroom scale coming in the mail within a week! BOOYAH!