Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Keep Calm and Cunt Off

Oh, had you heard? It’s the fucking Queen’s Diamond Jubilee this
weekend. Well blow me down, what a fucking surprise! I didn’t spot that one.

I must have missed the 24/7 prattling on every TV channel about
the old dear and how marvelous she is. About how lovely the Duchess of Cambridge is with a swishy hair and her big
white teeth. Blah blah blah. I must have
missed all those sodding ‘Keep Calm
and Carry On’ slogans spaffed across every object with white space on it that
have sporned THIS abomination.

No, really, I challenge you to get through a day without seeing
one. Today I have been treated to:

Keep Calm and Grow a Mustache

Keep Calm and Buy Stuff (fucking hell)

Keep Calm and .....Be Yourself (foul!)

How about ‘Keep Calm and Gouge You Eyes Out With A Spoon’?

Keep Calm and Cunt Off, I say.

Seriously. Could I be any
more bored of hearing about it?

No I fucking couldn’t.

To be honest I do actually really like the Queen, she’s a real
brick and to be given the utmost R.E.S.P.E.C.T. People ought to listen to her
sort a bit more often. It’s not her that gets on my tits. It’s every other
corporate cunt jumping on the band wagon with completely random-unrelated stuff
that has nothing to do with it whatsoever, smacking a union jack on it and
calling it ‘Jubilee…’

Jubilee cupcakes and tea cups I can deal with.

But it doesn’t stop there. They are taking every fucking inanimate
object or abstract idea, sticking ‘Jubilee’ in front of it and expecting the
average punter to cream their pants with delight at the prospect of a ‘Jubilee
themed iPod’ that they can keep forever. Yuck!

Jubilee Hamster Shaving Kit (for when you really need to shave
that hamster)

Jubilee themed stab-proof vest (to protect yourself from the
psychos down the river pageant)

Special Jubilee Edition Quran

Jubilee Butt-Plug (in shape of Queen's head - much more fun than a mug)

Jubilee themed Diamond Encrusted Gimp Suit (now that I would buy)

Jubilee Celebratory Rape Alarm

Jubilee Ice Pick (to stab yourself in the head with when it gets
too much)

This is very much a Jubilee themed Jubilee.

I think it is fairly safe to say that life hasn’t exactly gone as planned in
the last six months, which is probably why I am a little narky about this
Jubilee shizzle, considering I had no intention of being in the country for it.
Today I sent Scruffy-but-Handsome off to a job interview dressed in a suit. The
overall effect was rather reminiscent of dressing a corgi in a tuxedo. Cute and
slightly amusing, but definitely not something I planned to ever do.

The one saving grace of the last 2 weeks has been that I finally
managed to sell the house. This means my lodgers are moving out this weekend. It’s
been quite a journey, having this rag-tag and morally suspect set of
individuals living together;

1) Me - errant part-timer trying to project
the appearance of being legitimately busy and important with
nose-constantly-in-laptop working on various 'projects' one of which being this
blog, whilst actually doing three shades of fuck all.

2) Lodger 1 - precarious platinum-blonde and
all-round lovable one-time gypsy with a dog and a slightly murky past that may
or may not have involved pouring acid in her enemies' swimming pools and
slashing people's tyres.

3) Lodger 2 - freelance stock-market-trading spiv with sloaney
wardrobe pretensions and (it would appear) an enormous amount of cash
in the bank (spends almost 24/7 in his bedroom glued to four computer
screens gambling with fraudulently-gotten gains and if he's not doing that
stuffing coke up his nostrils and renting whores.)

Part of me is sad to see them go. The other part (the part that
has been living in constant terror of being horribly murdered in my bed with a
machete, or finding Lodger 2 swinging from the ceiling fan one evening) is
quite relieved.

It’s sort of the end of an era.

Well, anyway, since I am in
the country for this bloody Jubilee I intend to enjoy it.

Therefore I will be spending most of the bank holiday playing ‘BBC
TV Coverage Jubilee Cliché Bingo.’ This basically entails sitting on the sofa
in your underpants eating cake and downing a Tequila every time you encounter one
of these hackneyed hyperbole clangers:

Huw Edwards saying any of the following: ‘The People’s Queen, Day
of National Joy, Her Majesty’s Famous Sense of Fun, Deeply Moving, And What a
Magnificent Spectacle This Is, Such Dedication and Hard Work, Oh Look There Goes Pippa Middleton's Arse' (1 glass champers)

2 comments:

Much as BdJ ran the #YesLordSugar game for drinking to the apprentice, may I suggest you start this as a Twitter game such as #KeepCalmandGetShitfaced or #OntheLashwithLizzy I would totally play, and force my reprobate housemates to as well, but will probably be down in Cornwall playing at being a middle class parent.