I.C.U.P.

I.C.U.P.- Jana Horn

If you, like many Americans, pseudo-value your right to privacy, the NSA’s most recent initiative should be of great concern. Termed “Operation: I.C.U.P.,” Big Brother is now not only monitoring your phone calls, your emails, and your Google searches, but He is also stationed and ready to capture your bathroom conversation.

The alleged “Operation: I.C.U.P.” was released to authorities on Friday by Jim Jimson, a recently relieved employee of the NSA who has made it his objective to expose the Agency’s increasingly invasive monitoring programs. According to Jimson, who is a very reliable source because he was not fired for his inadequacy in surveillance but for soliciting a minor on his work computer, “I.C.U.P.” is already in effect throughout the country.

When we asked him if particular bathrooms were targeted, he said, “Areas with large Muslim and Middle Eastern communities are especially targeted, though no city is without.” We pressed him further as to whether this operation had yielded any solid results in regards to the War on Terrorism, if it was proving successful for the Department of Defense, or if any pertinent information had been gained. His response was “No, they haven’t gained any information on potential terrorist plots. However, from the bathroom surveillance, they have determined which cities seem to most favor Black Friday Shopping, as well as two possible suspects for a Burger King robbery in Arkansas in 2007.”

According to Jimson, “I.C.U.P.” works through a system of triggers–you open the bathroom door, a particular camera is signaled. You choose a stall, a different camera is signaled. With this in mind he offered some advice. “If you can crawl in through a window, and then crawl under a stall, you can go undetected. Unless someone else walks into the bathroom after you, then you’re screwed.”

The whole situation seems grim, but if you’re not willing to crawl into bathrooms, there is hope in portable toilets. According to Jimson, those are not yet utilized by the NSA because their fit-for-one nature does not promote conversation that would be useful to the government.