I’m tired

As I’m writing these words, my heart is beating very fast and I find it so hard to breathe. I’m still shaking from crying so much. I’m hurt, both physically and mentally. Why do words hurt so bad, especially those that I know that aren’t true? Why do I keep letting them affect me so much? When they come from your family, the cuts they leave are deeper. I’ve been so scared of the people around me, and basically life itself. I’ve been avoiding everything and everyone altogether. As I was starting to feel a little better, something would hit me so hard and make me feel so down and hopeless again.

All those years I’ve been fighting with anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and it’s now more than ever, I feel like finally giving up. I want to. I really want to. I did want to get better, do better, and feel better. I really did. But now I don’t.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this? I don’t like where this is heading to. I feel like I’m not going to make it. I feel like one day I’ll end every pain for good. I don’t want to hear or feel anything ever again. I’ve been through enough. I’m not a strong person. No, I’ll say it… I’m feeling so weak. My tolerance is not good.

I tried to be more positive. I was slowly trying to gain back my sanity, doing things I once enjoyed. I was recovering. And when just one incident happened, everything I was trying to do would vanish right away. Maybe it’s destined, or it is fate, what people said that not everyone born into this world will make it in life. And I’m one of them.

I always sympathize greatly with people who choose to end their lives regardless of people accusing them of being weak and selfish. You have your family, your loved ones that will be affected enormously after you die – what they say? First, who are you to judge? And… What if merely existing becomes too hard, and trying just to live by kills them inside? What if they can’t take it anymore and want an exit? What if it’s too much to bare to face people anymore? What if you just… can’t?

I just want to write down that I want to give up. At this very right moment, I want to stop trying all along. I just want to note this down somewhere. I think I have bored the one person that I still speak what’s on my mind with this little thinking of mine. And I’m curious when it’s finally coming true. I don’t know if it weren’t for my parents, and that I promised my best friend that we’ll be two fabulous old people, like Grace & Frankie despite whatever shit life might throw at us, I think I would have killed myself a long time ago. And despite I once wanted to give myself a chance to try to get better, now I want to give up.

I have two letters left to write before that happens. I’ve already written one.

Hush hush myself, I love you. No matter what you did, everything was enough, and you don’t deserve to feel terrible anymore. I hope that whatever you’ll do, you’ll feel better. Or nothing at all.

I’m tired of trying. I don’t think I will get better

Update (the next morning)

I couldn’t sleep well last night. Now I feel horrible. The feeling of not being to sleep is horrible. I think I’m letting negativity consume me a little too much. It is eating me from my very core. I do feel pain. It’s not numbness like I felt for the past many months, but it’s pain. I know it is pain, and it’s hard to breathe now that every breath feels heavy.

I searched the Internet for blog posts of those who are still suffering depression. I know I have all the symptoms in the world of severe depression. Most of what I came across yesterday were articles about the symptoms, causes, treatments and success stories. Here and there on Youtube I saw someone commenting their situation that’s quite similar to me, and they are still struggling. But I have yet to see detailed write-ups about what is going on in their heads and how they are feeling. I feel so alone.

I guess I just want to know if there’re people out there who are going through the same thing. I did try to talk to someone, and ironically that is the person I was trying so hard to run away from. I wish we never got together, I wish we were just friends now. I’m fortunate to have had a few nice memories with him, but us getting together was so wrong. Not because he is a bad person, but I should have known better that when it felt wrong from the start and everything would eventually fall apart. I kept thinking to myself, I wish we were never a couple, so he wouldn’t have to be involved in my life misery. I’d trade happy memories in order for him to be un-involved. Or even better if we never met.

Or the most ideal scenario is that I was never born into this world. This would have solved everything.