Hospital hospitality

Thursday

I think we can all agree that going to the hospital is a lot of fun. The lights, the aromas, the sounds. No wonder everyone wants to visit, it's like a luxury resort! OK, I'm lying.

Being in the hospital is miserable for anyone who doesn't enjoy being poked, prodded, stabbed, swabbed and awakened every night to inquire how much wee-wee they made.

And what about visiting? It's easy to find out the hospital's rules, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. For visitors, it's hard to know when to visit, what to bring and how long to stay.

For the patients, it's hard to say, "Get out!" So, based on my recent nine-day stay after brain surgery, here are my Frumpy Mom Official Rules for Hospital Visitors:

FOR VISITORS

Call the hospital first. When I was in intensive care, I didn't want to see anyone. I was having a series of really bad hair days, plus I wanted people to visit me later, when I wasn't doped up like a prize Mafia racehorse.

Imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes to see — well, let's just say it was someone I don't particularly like. Someone who hadn't bothered to inquire if I wanted visitors — one reason I don't like her. And there I was, strung out on morphine and too weak to throw anything.

Really, some people just don't like hospital visitors at all, because they feel uncomfortable when they can't put on their game faces or war paint. Respect that.

Plan to stay only 10 minutes.

I know, you feel like you should stay longer, because being in the hospital stinks, so your guilt makes you want to stay and stay, while your brain tells you to flee and flee. Really, the objective of a hospital visit is to let the patient know he's not alone, and that others are thinking about him, right? That only takes 10 minutes. Then, get out. Unless the person pleads with you to stay.

Visitors are tiring. A friend of mine told me that his dad came home from the hospital exhausted, because he was a popular guy and everyone dropped in and stayed and stayed. He had to come home to get some rest.

Bring food.

Hospital food is nasty.

Call a head and find out what you can bring to improve the situation. I remember one night, despondently pushing around some horrible cold replica of lasagna on my dinner plate, thinking of how it looked like dog food, and then magically a friend walked in with a huge box of brownies. This moment will live in my memory forever.

Another friend brought Thai food from my favorite restaurant, which woke up my moribund appetite and gave me a renewed reason to live.

Leave your kids at home.

Unless they're the patient's children, or saying their last goodbyes to grandma, there's no reason for kids to come to the hospital. It creeps them out and they aren't wired for it. Plus, they'll break the TV remote and climb in the cabinets.

FOR PATIENTS

Get a gatekeeper.

Use a nurse or relative, who can kick people out gently or tell them to come back later. See if you can get Nurse Ratchett to come in after a few minutes and order people out.

Don't let visitors tell you horror stories.

There's something about the hospital that makes everyone want to tell gross tales of other operations, other procedures. This must be nipped in the bud.

Fake a heart attack and press the nurse call button. If that won't work because you're already hooked up to a heart monitor, interrupt and ask them about their kids or mother-in-law. That will distract them. Everyone wants to brag about their kids or complain about their in-laws. If these people are the type who can't be interrupted, get up to go to the bathroom.

Make up some really disgusting procedure.

You have to scare people away. "Oh, well, they're going to remove the catheter now because it has a lot of blood in it. That should take a half hour or so. Oh, you don't want to stay? OK, well take care. Thanks for stopping by."

Be selfish.

You can just tell people, "OK, I'm going to sleep now," and turn over. If they don't go away, cut them out of your will.

Finally, think about saving the visits for after the patient goes home.

A woman from Ghana told me that when she gave birth, all she wanted was quiet time to bond with her new baby. Instead, her entire extended African family crowded into the hospital room and partied around the clock, wearing her out. When she got home, and really needed some help coping with an infant, all of those family members had disappeared.

I told most of my friends just to stay away from my hospital room. This meant their obligatory duty visits were pushed back until after I was home. That way, not only did I have company as I lay on the couch recuperating, but I also had people to bring takeout, and available as personal chauffeurs when I needed them. Assuming that your close friends and family have one duty visit in them, I recommend you force them to exercise it after you leave the hospital. Preferably with brownies in hand.

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