ASK DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, what causes weight?

Physical theory is obviously wrong. String theory's 1010^5
acceptable vacua that individually and collectively avoid making
any testable predictions are the mere tip of a terrible iceberg.
The whole of Christendom enjoys the explicit inerrant word of God
that sets pi equal to three, exactly, twice within its Bible -
1Kings 7:23,26 and 2Chronicles 4:2-5. Creationism offers a
perfect and inarguable sourcing of all reality. Anybody who
disagrees is thereby proven unqualified to judge. There are
hundreds of Christian denominations each better than all the
others in Borromean rings of rock, scissors, paper.

Hindus enjoy 36 crores of gods - that's 360 million, or more.
None of them offered a Sanscrit pre-publication proof of
Classical Electrodynamics by Jackson or volunteered Novocain.
Physical theory is wrong - and not by merely by divine edict.

Archimedes in his bath was the first techno-criminal. Galileo
Galilei was chastened by the One True Church for his unrepentant
blasphemies, including buoyancy. Let us expose some of the
heresies of "proven" physical theory.

Everybody knows everything is heavier when it is flatter. That
is why there is water capillary rise, raindrops in the sky are
round, high altitude lakes are precipitously deep, and oceans -
defining the geoid - are flat at their tops. These are empirical
observations. No mathematical hoodwinks can alter them.

Take a flat plate of steel and place it upon the surface of a
swimming pool. It sinks. Now deform it to form a deep bowl and
place that upon the surface of a swimming pool. It floats! Flat
things are heavier. Sailboats with their tall, pointy masts are
moved by the wind. Aircraft carriers with their giant flat decks
require paired nuclear reactors for propulsion.

Make a solid ball of clay. Place it on a hard surface. Pound on
it. The more you make it heavier the flatter it gets. A
sufficiently large gravitational field would also flatten it, by
having it collapse flat under its own weight. See? Flatter is
heavier. Pancakes are flat, loaf bread is chunky. Which weighs
more? Chairs are light, tables are heavy. A door hinged upright
moves with a fingertip. Try opening a root cellar's flat door.

Pointy mountains shoot miles into the sky but broad flat valleys
consistently go deep. A mercury barometer has its narrow mercury
thread spontaneously rise a full 76 centimeters, 29.92 inches,
straight up. You don't see the barometer's flat pool of mercury
rising, do you? Shape makes the difference. Flatter is heavier.

Skyscrapers are invariably long, thin, and upright. If they were
as wide as they were high the extra weight from flatness would
crush their foundations. Elevators are tall, thin, and move
vertically. That is how 20 people (3200 pounds!) can be jammed
into a tiny room that then shoots up at dizzying rates while
hanging from a thin cable. Put those 20 people on a plywood slab
and try pulling it along the ground. Too heavy!

The tallest trees have the highest aspect ratios. NASA rockets
are invariably arrows writ large - except for the Space Scuttle.
We all know how badly that worked out absolute and compared to
the (3X cheaper)/(gram lofted) Saturn 5 booster that was long,
thin, and upright.

Is the Thanksgiving turkey too heavy to lift? End the flat
kitchen counter! Pointy knives, forks, and even spoons hardly
weigh anything at all. Serving platters are heavy.

People walk upright and win 100 yard dashes. Have you ever
carried a slack horizontal body? They are remarkably heavy.
Scotsmen toss the caber, vertically. Logs are hauled to sawmills
on giant trucks, horizontally. Open your eyes to the truth!

We see roads and railroad tracks laid flat upon the ground. This
maximizes their weights during construction and ruins fuel
efficiency for vehicles and transportation of goods thereafter.
Not a single national leader has proposed building downsloping
major transportation arteries - in all directions - to forever
ameliorate the fuel crisis by reducing the weight of everything
involved.

Dr. Schund demands a global War on Horizontal Planarity! Every
citizen volunteer must do their best, every day in every way, to
end Euclidean hegemony tangent to Earth's geoid. Saving our
Children! will be expensive and protracted, but invisibly and
painlessly so. Radii of curvature and angles of repose are
easily quantified with mass-produced analytical instrumentation.
For a small monthly fee levied upon all First World citizens of
Spaceship Earth we can, for the first time in recorded human
civilization, calculate our personal Curvature Credits.

Curvature Credits will be compassionately redistributed from the
productive greedy to the reproductive needy across the globe. We
will lightly glide across bowed floors. The materiel of
civilization will float upon sprung beds. Oppressive
thermodynamics and patriarchal engineering will be reigned in and
slaughtered. Anybody who disagrees is thereby proven unqualified
to judge.