Pages

I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

Followers

Thursday, November 20, 2014

9 TYPES OF PENISES YOU'LL MEET IN YOUR LIFETIME

When it comes to sex, there are certain things you can never be
prepared for. Like, the first time a man unpacks the goods and you something you
really weren’t prepared for down there. Are
his balls the size of grapefruits or is his penis really tiny? Every penis
is unique, but some are more unique than others. It’s important, no matter what
he’s packing to keep a poker face and not reveal your glee that you seem to
have stumbled upon the world’s perfect cockpiece or disappointment @ the fact
that his dick is about as thin as a pencil. I don’t want to get caught with
your pants down. Well, I do, but I just want you to be prepared when he takes his
pants down. Be forewarned, if you’re single for long enough, you’re likely to
meet the following penises…

1.THE SHAPE-SHIFTER. This penis
might illicit major confusion in the getting-to-know stage. You’ll feel it hard
& think, OK. COOL! We’re not dealing with a micropeen situation and then
you’ll see it flaccid and you’ll be like, oh wait, maybe I am. As many of us
know, some guys are growers and some guys are showers, this guy is on the
extreme end of grower spectrum, which is an incredible phenomenon, but
ultimately, no big deal unless he has trouble getting or staying hard.

2.THE CROOKED
AND/OR LEANING DICK. When you first see this Leaning Tower of Penis, you may find your
cocking (heh) your head in the same direction, unsure of how things are going
to work. And thankfully things will work, just fine too, but certain angles
will feel better that others. Sex with a crooked or leaning dick sometimes feel
a little unbalanced, like when you’re holding too many heavy bags of groceries
in one hand. But it can also be great, as you discover angles and positions
that allow his crooked member to hit spots other dicks could only dream of
reaching. Yes, a crooked dick is a dick worth getting to know before you judge.

3.THE
UNMEMORABLE PENIS. What is there to say about this guy? I wish I could tell you, but I
don’t remember any details.

4.THE PENIS
THAT WILL BRING YOU TO TEARS. @ least once in your life, you’re
bound to shed tears when a man drops trou. Hopefully it will be because you
found the dick of dicks, but more likely, it will be because his penis is the size
of a bicycle pump and the thought of putting THAT in your anus is a horror you
were never told to be prepared for. Tell him you have some ‘emotional problems’
going on and give yourself some time to work up the nerves to try to get that
thing in there. Or just listen to anus and give up on the dream.

5.THE
PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. Of course, the perfect dick is subjective
depending on your taste, but you’ll know it when you see it because every fiber
in your anus will quiver. This penis, in all it’s glory, will make you do all
sorts of crazy things just to get one more minute with it. This will be
particularly problematic considering the owner of this Holy Dick will know the value
of what he’s packing and that will ensure that he’s a total prick. Life’s unfair
like that.

6.THE NUMBER 2.
@ first you’ll think you accidentally left your Number 2 pencil in
bed, but then you’ll peel back the comforter and realize that it’s just some
man’s too-slim-to-be-true penis. You’ll have to mask your disappointment
because the pencil is the least exciting to take on even when it’s rock hard.

7.THE SENSITIVE
PENIS. This guy is just so moody. A glimpse of you in your birthday suit
makes him instantly chubby and rarin’ to go. But his sensitive temperament alos
causes him to go soft or blow load with little to no warning. Your best shot @
taming this high maintenance beast is by getting to know its moods and being
aware of which buttons to push and which ones to avoid.

8.THE PENIS
WEARING A HOODIE. The Hoodied Penis is rapidly gaining favor with the gay community. Sure,
an uncut dick looks a little funny and wrinkly and freshly upon first meeting,
but after some foreplay, he stands proud as his turtleneck rolls down. Best of
all, that extra skin creates more friction, which feels better for you. Viva la
hoodie!

9.THE SHORT,
FAT SLUT. You kind of want to tell this penis to stand up straight, suck it’s
gut and go on a juice cleanse. But alas, short and stubby he’ll stay. @ least
this stocky penis will be easier to feel than the pencil-thin one that made
less of an impression than your finger.