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Sunday, October 29, 2017

I really didn't feel like sharing this. Because it's rather humbling. But I also know that it might help others.

I recently became aware how I have allowed myself to play the victim. I have allowed myself to feel scared and hurt. I allowed it to push me into a place of insecurity. Lies have felt legitimate, and I have done so little to refuse them.

There is nothing humble about removing myself from confidence to fear. I have been my own worst abuser. It is sinful to remain in any sort of abusive relationship, but here I sat. Being a willing victim is a sin. It's collaboration with the abuser and a condoning of the abuse. Distress does not make me a damsel. It has made me a victim.

Claiming the place of “unworthy”, is choosing to be in league with the enemy. It's a lie, and Satan is the father of lies. And this is his method of taking me out of the battle. How dare I allow him to succeed?

I have struggled with manipulators, all my life. I've learned that, “giving in”, not standing up for myself, saying “yes”, when I really should say “no” – all of that behavior is weak and wrong. The behavior of a victim. Recently, I have been learning how to be a lion. To stand boldly to authorities who have manipulated and abused in my life. But I have refused to fight for my own mind and soul.

Of course the struggle is very real. I do hurt. I do battle with my worth. But the reality of the battle is no excuse for giving in. I've determined it's time to stop mourning over my hurts and start accepting the Truth. I must recognize that when I start to shift in my mind and feel hurt and uncertain – that I'm about to flee over to the enemy camp. To exchange Jesus' banner of love for Satan's dark banner of lies. The Devil doesn't own me. I'm a child of God. And I belong to Jonah.

It is a sin to rename Satan's banner and covering as anything else (ie: humility, righteousness, truth...). It is traitorous of me to accept Satan's banner.

Ultimately, it is selfish to play the victim. And I am the only one to blame for shackling my mind. Satan has no power of me. I'm going to stand up to my own flesh, and to Satan. He cannot devour me this time. I know this is going to be hard. I know there will still be times where I feel cornered. I know I will be attacked. I know I will still cry. I will still hurt. But I'm going to be a lion.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been a victim. I'm sorry for sinning. And I'm sorry it has affected people I love. I repent. I am determined to believe truth.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Abortion is the result of evil self-serving men. Which includes the abortionists, the mothers of these dead children and the Church.

A duty to rescue is a concept in tort law, where a party can be held liable for failing to come to the rescue of another party in peril.

Those who fund, perform, ignore or aid in killing little children, are guilty. That pretty much covers most people. Including Christians. We are doubly responsible because we claim the Creator God to be our authority. And yet we stand by while children, created in His image, are butchered mercilessly. And He will hold us liable for failing to come to the rescue of those he has commanded us to save. (James 1:27; Proverbs 31:8-9).

We have approached 220+ churches in the state of Idaho. All we have asked is that they consider signing the petition to abolish human abortion in their state. We have had only 5 churches respond positively. Most of the Pastors refused for us to even approach the congregation about the petition.

Why?

Some Pastors actually think pre-born human beings are not as valuable as living ones. They have accepted their culture's teaching of ageism and openly admit such wickedness.

Others are afraid of man. They realize that many women have had abortions...women in their congregation. And they are afraid to take a bold stance on murder.

And then almost all of these men have a false view of authority. They believe that their congregation shouldn't be allowed the opportunity of judging the petition for themselves, because they, as Pastor, know best. Time and time again we've been treated harshly, unjustly, and even slandered. All because we took a petition to their doorstep.

Recently I asked a local pastor if he might be interested in signing the petition and having it circulated amongst his congregation. He said he'd think about it and read it. I approached him again and he said he thought he'd shy away from it because he wasn't sure it was a ministry that included saving souls. I sent him an email with some more info on the petition and explained how the petition was one tiny way we might love our neighbor and obey God in saving the needy. When weeks went by without a response, I stopped by the church to ask if he had a chance to read my email. I'd be happy to discuss any details he wasn't sure about.

He became seriously angry, and accused me of harassing him, and made it very clear that if I showed up with the petition he would call the police. When I asked him why he was so adamantly against the petition he refused to answer and said he didn't have to tell me why, because, after all, he is the Pastor and he said no. He further went on to admonish me how I was to answer him, and then I was harshly told to leave immediately.

This, unfortunately, is common behavior.

Why?

Pastors have been set up to fail. They are taught and treated like mini-gods and blindly followed by “laymen”. The conventional Church promotes tyranny. And the Christian conforms to such tradition.

This is as much the Pastor's fault as it is the congregation that follows him. Christians have become obsessed with their personal spirituality, and submission to their Pastor.

Faith no longer works, it is now an experience – a focus on self.

Conformity has become confused with unity. And confrontation has become a sin. Thinking for ones self is divisive and traditions are somehow recognized as the Word of God.

This “experience religion” coupled with the idolatrous surrender to false pastoral authority has bred apathy. It has led us to disobedience to God, and ultimately blood guilt. We have refused to oppose evil. We tolerate sin. We fail to be Christian. This ungodly submission is sin. Our inaction is sin. Dangerous. It leads people astray. And our conformity to tyranny (whether it be our Pastor who says we cannot abolish human abortion, or to our government who says it is legal to murder) is wicked! We will be held accountable. We must repent. We must obey God rather than men.

Monday, July 31, 2017

All my life I've struggled with a sense of not being valuable. It was never very apparent to people around me, never led to stereotypical eating disorders, or promiscuous actions. But it was a perspective I carried with me throughout my pre-teen years until recently, a 25 year old.

I subconsciously considered myself sub-par to most girls. Normally it wasn't too distressing, it was just a fact. I knew I was less, and I figured it was as obvious to them as it was to me. It was “proven” by my inadequacy or my mediocrity. I wasn't good at sports, I had no exceptional talents, my outward looks were only so-so, and the list goes on and on.

As a young person it was easy to ignore. My family was biased toward me and appreciated my loyalty and service. I was worth “keeping” because I had something to give. I was good at serving. I am a Hutto.

But as I grew older, the more painfully aware I became of what I was “missing”. Somewhere in the past, I had curbed my natural behavior of telling stories and being flamboyant, wild, exuberant. I somehow figured drama was taboo and showing your emotions was childish, and I needed to stop being naive and vulnerable. I suddenly became aware that hugging was for children. No-one actually was interested in my stories about the day. They weren't listening. It was embarrassing to realize that I has been so open and real all my life and nobody else had been. I hadn't caught the memo.

So I tried. And I tried hard. I tried to fit into a personality that I thought was acceptable. Meek, obedient, encouraging, sweet, quiet, reserved, deep and mysterious. Subdued. I was envious of those around me who naturally fit such a mold. Why was I so messy? So innately transparent? Why did I crave to be heard? People around me knew how to behave. To open their hearts and filter what came out.

It was as if hearts were music boxes. Most people didn't share their song. But if they did open...out came tinkling melodies. Why was mine loud and jangled? Why couldn't I keep shut? But I tried.

For years I've felt like a failure. I couldn't compose a different tune. So I just kept silent. Even though it hurt. I craved to be heard and appreciated. But rejection hurt more than being silent.

Jesus gently challenged my delusion. I craved to love and be loved. He showed me that He, Himself, the Creator, Savior, loved me. It was such a relief to be loved unconditionally. And He led me to others so I might love them. And it hurt. It hurt to expose my tangled soul and let the music come out. But it was good. And then I started dating. And I was suddenly faced with the possibility that a human being loved me unconditionally. Of course God loved me. But He was a little biased. I mean, goodness, He's my creator and He invested himself in me. Jesus loves me, of course. But how could a man love me?

At first I was convinced Jonah was blind. I heard that love does that. If he really couldn't see that I was mediocre it was because he was blind. But that wouldn't last. And it made me sad. Either he was just being polite or this was a temporary stage. My heart would become ecstatic only to be cut short by fear. I've been here before. I've dared to open my heart and let the music out only to watch the notes fall on deaf ears. Expression feels foolish when no-one is there to receive it. Love only ever led me to pain...where was this leading me? Normally I ended up somewhere empty handed and committed to silence.

But from day one, Jonah told me that God gave me value, and he only was acknowledging it, not placing it on me. He claimed I was beautiful inside and out. Captivating. And I would feel like crying. It should have thrilled me, but instead I felt wounded. Why?

One day I found myself looking in the mirror, surprised that I didn't see ugliness. I actually thought for a fleeting moment I was beautiful.

I open, and the all-too-familiar jangled music starts. And I cringe. I am too much. Too wild. Too hurt. To impetuous. Too clumsy. How could Jonah love me....all of me? Why was I fooling myself?

Staring me down was my insecurity. My wound. It was this – Not that I wanted to be loved, but the fact I didn't believe I could be.

This is why I cried when Jonah loved me. Because it was opening my wound. And yet he sought me. He pursued. He desired me. He said he loved my wildness.

Love allows me to stop cringing long enough to accept my jangled soul. It is still a wound. It still hurts. But I'm learning to allow myself to hurt, while allowing myself to believe that I am valuable. So often, wounds leave scars. But Love, He is a balm. And Jonah is teaching me to accept Him.

Every woman has a wound similar to mine. I've been more open about my wound and suddenly I hear others. So many woman don't think they are captivating. They look in the mirror and cringe. They've wrestled with the fact they aren't beautiful. Their music is lovely, but they can't hear it.

I wish every woman could be loved and cherished like me. I wish you could hear someone tell you that you're beautiful. I wish you could bare open your wound and move on. It's relief to let go of a lie. Ladies, you are beautiful. Unique. Intrinsically valuable. Made in the image of your Creator. You are captivating. It's time to rise up and challenge the lies that have beset you. Start believing you're worth loving. Beyond your talents and looks and wit. Just you. The first step to healing is acknowledging your wound.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

...For she was given all to fleshly lust, And poured forth in sensuall delight,That all regard of shame she had discust,And meet respect of honour put to flight:So shamelesse beauty soone becomes a loathly sight.

Faire Ladies, that to love captived arre,And chaste desires do nourish in your mind,Let not her fault your sweet affections marre,Ne blot the bounty of all womankind;'Mongst thousands good one wanton Dame to find:Emongst the Roses grow some wicked weeds;For this was not to love, but lust inclind;For love does alwayes bring forth bounteous deeds,And in each gentle hart desire of honour breeds.

The Faerie Queene, Edmund Spenser, 1590

The difference between love and lust, and the avoidance of lust, is something that can consume a girl's time and energy to a great extent. No follower of Christ wants to imitate the fleshly lust that the world is consumed with, and that flaunts itself on magazine covers and in romance novels. We recoil in horror at the thought of being this lady, described by Spenser:

Nought so of love this looser Dame did skill,But as a coale to kindle fleshly flame,Giving the bridle to her wanton will, And treading under foote her honest name:Such love is hate, and such desire is shame.

But when you have real needs, it can be hard not to think on that "someone". It can make you spend all day constantly thinking, "am I overstepping the bounds in my thoughts?" I don't know how many other girls have this problem, but I certainly have. It isn't healthy, to walk between doubt and desire, fear of sinning and a need that feels unmet.

"God's love isn't a substitute for a man's, but it is better. It doesn't satisfy in the same way as a husband would, but it is more than enough to satisfy the soul."

I think I have found the key to resolving that kind of thinking, and I wanted to share it here. It doesn't honor God to walk between fear of "overstepping bounds" and the real desires that we all have. Trying to just "repress" those feelings isn't the answer. Neither is telling yourself that you just must go without until God sees fit for you to marry (this can lead to a secret grudge against God, among other things.) Nor is it telling yourself that God can fulfill those needs, and trying to find an outlet for those feelings in thinking about Him. (Although it isn't far from the answer, it misses closely... like just barely missing someone in a game of blind-man's-bluff.)

Yesterday I was doing dishes, in the afternoon... feeling a bit lonely, and having this "feelings struggle" for most of the day. I knew it wasn't healthy. I knew that God had something better for me to do than think on love and lust. I just turned and started thinking about God. I thought of all the good things He's done for me, as His child... given me an eternal hope, an inheritance in heaven that will never fade, and the loving family around me... and just that quickly, the thoughts of the "someone" faded away as I looked on the Lord's face. "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits" (Psalm 103). I realized what had just happened, and turned in amazement to see the thoughts of the longed-for person fading away, in my mind.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace."

The thing was, I didn't try to visualize God as a substitute for the love of a man. I've done that many times, and it never worked. I realized that the love of God and the love of a man are two different things. God's love isn't a substitute for a man's, but it is better. It doesn't satisfy in the same way as a husband would, but it is more than enough to satisfy the soul. I realized that it is quite possible to live and be whole without the love of a man, by experience. It doesn't mean that a man's love isn't good or wonderful. It's just an extra thing, optional in the course of life. Not necessary. I felt that I could live quite happily just serving God. Marriage will be wonderful, if I get to have it. But I don't need it.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

My Dad just taught me something on forgiveness. And I wanted to share.

Forgiving someone can be like bringing an account to zero. Kind of like writing off bad debt. But then, sometimes, we have relationships we can't write off. They are still in our lives. But honestly, they are messing up our balance. How do you account for those relationships?

These relationships are normally the ones we've invested in. And somehow, sometime, we are now in the negatives. Something happens. Forgiveness decides on not holding onto that debt. And so, Dad mentioned, how do you fix the books? You put it into "accounts clearing". A Clearing Account is an account you use to move money from one account to another account when you cannot move the money directly. This account normally has a balance of $0.00 because you always take out the same amount that you put in. In other words, it's a way to start back at $0. It's normally also a temporary account. Until you can find where to move that transaction accurately.

I wanted to just write off my hard relationship. Reconciliation is impossible at this point. I craved some sort of closure. And Dad told me to move it to accounts clearing, and to let God figure out the rest. Start at zero.

But how to practically apply that? How to interact with that person?
Well...how do I interact with people I've had zero investment in? I am cordial. I am polite. I have a level of interest in their life. I'll smile. I'm kind. That's how I'm to act. The negatives are erased. Gone.

Hurt and pride would like to hold some people to their debt. Forgiveness says "you owe me nothing."

Should some people be held accountable for their actions? Should tyrants be defied and abusers exposed? Should we be intolerant of sin? Should truth be irrevocably proclaimed. Does love call for repentance? ABSOLUTELY YES.

Is that compatible with forgiveness? YES. Love, truth, forgiveness, rebuking, provoking, exhortation, confrontation -- all of them are expected by our God. Commands. And we must obey. They are all results of obedience. And they are holy responses.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Most Christians refuse to talk about certain sins. Especially in the church, but also in the home. Drinking, cussing, smoking are all addressed. Immodesty and adultery are sometimes talked about...

But most sexual sins are hardly ever mentioned. Let alone explained. Homosexuality, pornography or masturbation are barely ever acknowledged subjects in the conservative Christian home. (Let alone the topic of sex itself. Most conservative young people I've talked to grew up in a home where “sex” was kind of a bad word. Mysterious. Maybe even funny. I know of quite a few Christian adults who had to figure out sex themselves, once they were married or one the verge of marriage. Because....no-one ever told them.)

I'd like to address masturbation. Simply because NO-ONE ever will.

The definition is as follows:

Maturbation: erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital2) organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies

Most Christians that dare approach the topic are unwilling to call masturbation a sin. Probably because it's not really a black and white issue. It isn't addressed specifically in the Bible.

But the Bible does address vain imaginations. It does talk about lust. It does say that our body is meant to glorify God. Sex can and does glorify God. It is holy and good when between a married man and woman.

Anything outside of that God seems to see as defiled. Is masturbation sin? There is such a thing as carnal appetite. An unlawful desire for carnal pleasure. Depraved affections. Concupiscence. Lust. In some, this manifests itself in a desire for the same gender. It leads some to defilement with their eyes (pornography). And for some, a defiling with their bodies, (masturbation).

“But! It is impossible to fornicate with your own body! It is not sexual intercourse!” A friend told me that once. Masturbation is not fornication. True. But neither is pornography, and rarely does the Christian hesitate to call porn wrong.

Masturbation is often degrading to oneself. Even if it is only in the mind. It opens doors to impurity. Evil imaginations. Things you might not do in “real-life” you commit in your imaginations to conjure the necessary emotions to spur on your habit.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

You are precious. Made in God's image. Everything about you is valuable. And as a child of God you are meant to be holy. Your thoughts are meant to be held captive for Him. We must renounce the hidden things. The dishonest parts of ourselves. If we call ourselves pure saints, but commit sin in our minds, we are lying. Jesus is meant to be made manifest in our body...in our minds, in our actions. No sinful habit can be conquered until acknowledged as sin and repented of. THEN, God can begin a new work in you. THEN, begins the healing. THEN, He begins to faithfully keep you.

I'd like to say that children ought to be told about it. Obviously there is an age appropriate answer for every age. But many people who engage in sin were introduced to it at a young age and just weren't equipped with how to deal with it, or aware of the consequences. Many children are embarrassed to ask. Parents have a responsibility to train up their children in the way they should go... which includes what paths they should NOT go. No Christian parent would like to think that their child struggles with homosexuality. But they may. I've talked to broken-hearted Christians who have borne their shameful secret sin. No Christian parent finds it easy to address uncomfortable topics. No Christian parent wants to think their son may struggle with masturbation. Or that their daughter is plagued by immorality. But better to address the topic and equip your children, no matter how uncomfortable, than to abandon them to their own discernment and resources. They will figure it out, let me assure you. I've talked to them. But only after years of pain and scarring.

It doesn't matter if the abuser has a title. He is still guilty. It doesn't matter if others trust him. He is still guilty. It doesn't matter if he's a nice guy. He is still guilty. It doesn't matter if he suffers. He is still guilty. It doesn't matter if you remain silent. He is still guilty.

Monday, June 12, 2017

I hate to state something so obvious but there are only a few reasons to wear a skirt:

1. You like them because you like to wear colors, have comfort & wipe your hands at the same time.
2. It is fun to swish in them while you dance with your kids.
3. It is a cool way to stay warm if you live where it's cold.
4. It's a hot way to stay cool if you live where it's warm.
5. You can write on them... which is fun and provoking to the culture around you.

There is absolutely nothing moral about SKIRTS Regardless of whether they are part of the Uniform of the Local Religious Social Club or not.

For my part, I am inclined this summer toward shorts and spaghetti strap tanks for a change. It works better for the new Otts Basin running club, and... Everyone in my town has already seen all my messages anyway.

The irony about silly uniforms is that they change but the fact of their existence does not. Men create things to comply with and the rules they create always tend toward self-righteous piety and isolation of Christians... Which is exactly what Satan wants. All of it is much more flesh pleasing and much less difficult than true Christianity.

Morality is action.
Love is good works.

Idolize no one but Christ and do not adopt and settle for trite religiosity like dress codes... cause Satan would like for you to set yourself apart with these things and channel people's energy into outward expression. Don't settle for pleasing men who change and whose breath is in their nostrils. FEAR GOD.

If you live in one of these religious clubs with dress codes, realize it for what it is. If you struggle with jealousy and are caught up in thinking that problems that you have in your marriage or that problems other people have in their marriages will be solved by women wearing skirts... Realize that is a Satanic facade to keep you from seeing the real problem and to keep you from looking inward. Having a soft heart and falling in love with your husband is really where it's at and would go much further.