First, I’d like to apologise to anyone who might actually read this blog. I’ve been away for a while after becoming disillusioned with the amount of hate mail I was receiving for one Zac Efron post and one Fergie post. Both of these posts were in the spirit of distaste for these particular cogs in the entertainment machine, but of course, they have their followers who defend them in droves. That’s fine. KIFY was never meant to be a celebrity-bashing or gossip blog: there’re too many of them out there. Instead, my passion is taking the everyday CRAP we are fed (through TV, ads, music, film and at the mall) and turn it upside down to get a different view. Oprah and her unflinching consumerism become the icon of what disgusts me. And ads that aim to target that “spiritual”/”quality of life” side are enemy no. 1. All other product ads are enemy no. 2. Still, I can’t deny that our entertainment is caught up in this advertising circus and so it is with this truism that I continue to consider celebrities on this blog. So I leave you with this, an article that sums up why I felt the urge to make fun of Fergie. She’s not the only one, but she is, for now, on the top of my list. Enjoy.OMG! Like, she’s, like, someone I, like, wanna be like…!

I’m SO SICK OF DOVE! OK, so they’ve had “fat” girls in their campaign, and now they’re on to old women. In a continuing effort to dupe the masses, Dove proclaims that everyone is beautiful and sexy, that they’re not “anti”-age but “pro”-age and that even 60+ y.o. women deserve to be exploited by huge corporations for their bodies. This particular “model” in the ad was on Oprah the other day (which was basically an hour-long Dove commerical, and PLEASE don’t tell me she’s not photoshopped) crying about how she never thought she’d get the chance to show people how beautiful she really was until Dove came along. Heartwarming. Pass me the scope so I can gargle the vomit out of my throat.

I already posed this question to Dove in my post back in June, but I’ll ask them again:

Dear Dove,
If we are all so very beautiful “just the way we are” then why the FUCK do we need your products?

Respectfully yours,
Miss Eye

P.S., my fluency in Doublespeak is rusty.
P.P.S. if this is a revolution, please stop the world–I want off.

If you live in Canada, you’re probably familiar with that giant outlet store that boasts new items daily–from clothing to home furnishings to lead-laden childrens’ toys. On a recent visit to my local Winners, I stopped by the home furnishing section only to be horrified by the cheap colonialist bric-a-brac festooned on their even cheaper glass shelves. Is this some sick corporate joke? The irony of a company that distances itself from racist slave labour by dealing with sellers, rather than the actual making of clothes, propping up a sort of colonialist idealism and nostalgia (with all the racism and slavery given a rosy hue under the fluorescent lights of the store) is enough to make me cry, puke and laugh violently all at once. So remember folks, history was written by the “winners” and so too shall home decor be. Below are pictures I took of various offensive bric-a-brac at a Winners here in Toronto, in a very multi-ethnic neighbourhood.

Rascist busts of what I suppose is an African slave in Western period costume. Notice the stereotypical accentuating of features and the clash with the ‘soft’ European/Western pastel hues of the costume.

Here it was beside a very idealized, classicized bust of Mozart, icon of Western civilization (versus the savage slaves that ‘we’ civilized and tamed on the plantations). Are you convinced yet that conquest and domination are wonderful things of PROGRESS?

Never mind that here in Canada, First Nations have worked hard to inform the public that they ARE NOT INDIANS for chrissakes. COLUMBUS MADE A FOOLISH ERROR, remember? But, alas, here we are again with the “redskin in a head-dress” again with certain features accentuated to make him look “authentic”. Fuck you, winners.

Of course every wealthy colonialist needs his collection of African masks to prove he had a fruitful safari.

And let’s not forget coffee: remember if it tastes good, it’s because of the “EUROPEAN BLEND”, not because of the slaves who toil to pick the beans. Don’t you feel like going to Kenya and commanding your own coffee plantation? You could look hot in a little safari outfit, just like Keira Knightly did in her Vanity Fair spread.

Ahh, yet another fine colonialist sport, shooting elephants for their ivory and then making statues out of them. The utmost example of Man v. Nature. Bravo.

And to bring it all back to a respectable English flavour, a bit of hunting today, sir?

Bravo, Winners, for making explicit your Colonialist tendencies of raping peoples’ human rights, and justifying it through racism and Western privilege of a ‘comfortable, stylish life’.

Below: More from Keira Knightley’s Vanity Fair spread for Vuitton. Doesn’t she look so pretty against the primitive backgrounds?

After being inspired by this portrait of Dubya, I thought I would do a literal rendition of how I think Owen Wilson’s face is basically having sex with itself. Cheer up, Owen; you’re uniquely handsome and, after all, love is staring you in the face. **Disclaimer! These ‘naughty bits’ are PROSTHETICS!**