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Thursday, August 28, 2014

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.4 - BURY THEM WITH THEIR TENTACLES ON

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.4 - BURY THEM WITH THEIR
TENTACLES ON

by James McShane

The
sheriff nurses his wound and throws you a look that suggests you’re off his
Christmas card list for the foreseeable future. You shrug. You weren’t the type
for Ho-Ho-Ho anyway. You have an important decision to make, though, and with
Garlock on his way, you don’t have much time to think things through.

“As far
as I can tell, sheriff,” you say, “you have two choices.”

“And what
are they, pray tell?”

“You can
stay here and die; or leave and possibly live.” You shrug. “Your call.”

The
sheriffhightails it out the
saloon door. You then begin the process of dismantling the saloon’s interior
and turning it back into your ship, by simply tapping the bottom of a beer tap
with a serving spoon. This act opens a drawer beneath the counter, revealing a
big red button that reads: Disengage Saloon Interior. Simple really. Once you
press that, it’s all systems go.

The
entire procedure takes about three minutes. Then another button gets pressed, the
one labelled Lift Off, and within a moment, you are in the air and on your way
to the mine. If the sheriff and everyone else got clear, good for them. If not,
you’re not going to lose any sleep.

You look
to the floor and see that Sally is out for the count. The activities of the
last hour or so must have taken its toll on the young female. You wonder what
you’re going to do about her, but eventually decide to leave her for later.
It’s now time to remove all dead weight from the ground – and do it quickly.
While Sally didn’t give you an exact schedule, you assume that Garlock won’t
waste any time in getting here.

You make
it to the mine quick enough. You manoeuvre the ship so as you’re above the
entry point and you aim the ship’s guns there. You set phasers to kill.

“So long,
suckers,” you chortle.

And then
it all goes pear-shaped.

Not only
has Sally woken up and is now pointing her own phaser at you (you should have
taken the time to check her underclothes – women of all species have been known
to hide anything in their pantaloons), but there is a rumble coming from the
inside the mine.

“Open a
radio channel,” Sally says. “You might be interested in what you hear next.”

Seeing
that you don’t have much of a choice, you tap yet another button and a screen
appears in front of you. A shimmering image appears, but it doesn’t take you
long to realise that it’s Nee-Lin, the leader of the slave group down at the
mine.

“Rachorin,”
the former slave says. “I see you’ve come back to rescue us.” The sarcasm drips
fiercely from his lips. “But you needn’t bother. We’ve worked out our own
escape plan.” With that, the rumbling down below becomes more intense, and
within minutes, the mine’s exterior falls away and you finally understand that
while you were ministering the town’s inhabitants, your slaves have been
building their own ship, using – be damned – the very material you sent them to
mine.

Talk
about taking your eye off the ball.

Or your
eyes off the balls.

“Are you
coming, Lestine?” Nee-Lin calls Sally by her given name.

“I
thought you’d never ask,” she says. She gives you a quick peck on the top of
your head. “We could’ve been good together,” she whispers. “But no, you always
had your own agenda.” Then it’s her turn to shimmer, as Nee-Lin teleports
Sally/Lestine back to the mine that is now an escape ship.

Your
number is up. You look at the screen for the final time as a group of missiles
head your way. If you had a god, you’d pray to it. But you don’t, so you don’t.