Thursday, November 10, 2005

I, Stephen Colbert, swear to bring the Truth, not only to my studio audience, but to my television audience, and I'm talkin' the Whole Truth, and to bring it hard, so help me God — specifically Jesus Christ, the one true Son of God, begotten not made, One in Being with the Father, as defined by the Holy Apostolic Roman Catholic Church [HARCC the Harrowed Angels Sing?], the one true Church as revealed to Peter by Jesus, led by God's servant on Earth, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI.

All right, let's do this thing!

Now you know absolutely everything I tell you is the complete, unvarnished truth, or close enough for jazz. That's called building trust with the American people. Oil companies owe us that much — after all, we're fighting a war for them.

And now, for your Third-Pathy [Hmm — is that Third-Pathy as in Pithy, consisting of or resembling pith, or as in Triskaidekaphobiopathy, an abnormality upon a paranoid fear of the number 13?] enjoyment, here is a transcript of The Wørd from tonight's Colbert Réport. Remember that this man has sworn upon his Truthiness, as has Cousin Curveball, although I substitute some homosexual pagan stuff with Shoshone and Lakota influences for the whole Holy Apostolic Roman Catholic Church part. It's all the same, really — trust me![After all, I am Trustagious.]

This week also marks the 57th[he actually meant 87th] anniversary of the end of the War to End All Wars, World War I. A day known as tonight's WØRD: Armistice.

adding enormous numbers of veterans to the rolls, just as fast as we can cycle them through Iraq, although I do need to point out to the President that when you send the same soldiers on three or four tours of duty, that's not adding more veterans, that's called re-veteraning™.

I Trademarked That

Mr. President, you need to make new soldiers. The only way to do that is to stop this war, and there's no better week for it. With no war, people will join the military again. Then, you can start a new war,