Wednesday, February 26, 2014

‘What If I Don’t Want to be Gay?’

One of the hottest topics of our day is the subject of
homosexuality. This is an issue I’ve discussed many times. It is a painful one
for me - for many reasons. But mostly because my sense of compassion is not in harmony with the severe Torah prohibition against
the sexual act that it usually entails. The Torah mentions this prohibition twice:

‘And
with a male – do not lie as with a woman. It is an abomination’ (Vayikra 18:22). And then again,‘If a man lies with a male as with a woman, the two of them
have done an abomination; they shall be put to death—their blood is upon them”
(Vayikra 20:13).

Despite these clear declarations I believe that the Torah does not judge people who
have this inclination. If a man is sexually attracted only to other men, then
he has no sin. It is only when he commits the act as described above that he does.

For the record all those who try and interpret this act out
of its Issur are mindboggelingly foolish, in my view. As are those who try and say that the sex drive in any human is something which they are forced by their nature to act upon - and if gay - a
merciful God automatically forgives (Oness Rachmana Patrei). That basically
stands the prohibition on its head and in my view is pure nonsense.

Nevertheless, I could not care less who anyone is sexually
attracted to. While I cannot give my blessing to a forbidden act, it is not my
business to judge anyone who submits to his desires, whether that submission is
forbidden by the Torah or not. I am not God’s accountant. It is only for Him to
judge. I would instead treat all human beings
with the human dignity required of me by God. No matter what that individual does in
private. Unless a man flagrantly flaunts his sins in public, I will be Dan L’Kaf
Zechus – judge him favorably even if I know they are gay and can only get
sexual gratification with other men.

For well over 40 years now, the mental health profession has
determined that homosexuality is not considered a mental disorder. Until
the early seventies, it was. Since then these same professionals have advanced
the theory that sexual orientation is predetermined genetically, so that if a
person is born gay - he will stay gay. I’m not sure that has been scientifically
proven. But I do believe that in most cases it is impossible to change one’s
true sexual orientation once they know what it is.

That said, I do not think that everyone who thinks he’s gay –
is gay. I do believe that it is possible for young people to become confused about
their sexual identity. And via experimentation with the same sex, in their
teens come to believe they are gay. I believe that such people can change their
behavior. I have no clue what the percentages are of people like that. But I
know they exist.

The question is what if someone doesn’t want to be gay? What
if he wants to be like his peers? What if he wants to get married, and have a
family? What if he doesn’t want to live with the stigma of being gay in a religious
community that does not accept a gay lifestyle?

In my view, that individual ought to be given the
opportunity to do explore his options. A democracy that allows people to change their sex with
the help of medical professionals ought to allow people to change
their sexual orientation with the help of mental health professionals. But only
by traditional psychotherapy and not with what has come to be knows as conversion
therapy – which is often carried out by non professionals.

Traditional therapy may not work for them. But it may.
Especially for those who are just confused about it. They should have the
opportunity to realize their true sexual orientation if indeed it is different
from what they think it is. Banning any and all therapy is in effect a denial
of individual rights in my view.

The cruel and degrading methods of clinics like JONAH which
have caused embarrassment and psychological damage to their clients is why I supported New Jersey
Governor Christie’s ban on conversion therapy. I recall a horrifying description
of it experienced by a decent and modest gay ‘patient’. It made me want to
vomit in disgust! Their claims of
success are probably either with those people who aren’t really gay - or with
people who are gay and think they are cured only to be confronted later by a
same sex temptation - and succumb. And then realizing that they aren’t really ‘cured’
at all!

But this is not the case with standard psychotherapy. And it
ought to be permitted. Which is why I am mostly in agreement with Nefesh. From
the Forward:

A group known as Nefesh has joined with the ultra-Orthodox
umbrella group Agudath Israel of America to challenge a New Jersey law
prohibiting use of this therapy with minors

Rabbi Mordechai Biser, Agudath Israel’s general counsel,
said his organization swung into action after receiving requests from Orthodox
therapists who “pleaded with us to take whatever steps we could to prevent this
legislation from being enacted.”

But even some members of the group supporting the challenge
are glum about their prospects.

“I cannot say I’m terribly optimistic,” said Nathan “Nosson“
Solomon, a New York therapist and former president of Nefesh, which brings
together Orthodox Jewish mental health professionals. “People are scared, the
atmosphere is very hostile.

Conversion therapy clinics should be opposed. I support
legislation that bans it. But I do not understand the hostility to allowing standard
psychotherapy be an option for those who want it. It is as if the militant gay
community doesn’t want people who are mistakenly gay to find out their true sexual
orientation. It is as if they think being gay is a Mitzvah to be worn proudly
on your sleeve. They call it Gay Pride.

I completely disagree with that! Sexual orientation is not something to be proud of
whether one is gay or straight. Not any more than one should be proud of eating
and sleeping. Making your sexual orientation your identity is in my view a mental
disorder all by itself! My sexual orientation does not define me at all. And it
should not define gay people.

It’s pretty hard living as a homosexual in a religious society
that shuns it - even as the rest of the world increasingly comes to be more
tolerant of it. If someone wants to try and change his sexual orientation, that
ought to be his right. My only caveat is that he goes into therapy with his
eyes wide open and realizes that therapy may not work. If he fails to change
his sexual orientation after therapy, so be it. But forcibly preventing people
from choosing that option via legislation is just as wrong as forcing them to
accept it.

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About Me

My outlook on Judaism is based mostly on the teachings of my primary Rebbe, Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik from whom I received my rabbinic ordination. It is also based on a search for spiritual truth. Among the various sources that put me on the right path, two great philosophic works stand out: “Halakhic Man” and “Lonely Man of Faith” authored by the pre-eminent Jewish philosopher and theologian, Rabbi, Dr. Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Of great significance is Rabbi, Dr. Norman Lamm's conceptualization and models of Torah U’Mada and Dr. Eliezer Berkovits who introduced me to the world of philosophic thought. Among my early influences were two pioneers of American Elementary Torah Chinuch, Rabbis Shmuel Kaufman and Yaakov Levi. The Yeshivos I attended were Yeshivas Telshe for early high school and more significantly, the Hebrew Theological College where for a period of ten years, my Rebbeim included such great Rabbinic figures as Rabbis Mordechai Rogov, Shmaryahu Meltzer, Yaakov Perlow, Herzl Kaplan, and Selig Starr. I also attended Roosevelt University where I received my Bachelor's Degree - majoring in Psychology.