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Topic: The "extra" swimsuit.... (Read 40306 times)

Seriously? She has a water workout recommended by her DOCTOR for a medical condition, yet she relies on you to supply the equipment she needs to do her therapy/workout? That's outrageous. Time to cut the apron strings and make her take charge of her own health and responsibilities.

I totally agree with the PP who said to ask her point blank when she gets in the car if she has her suit. "I realized that I don't have my spare, so I wanted to make sure that you brought yours today so you can do the class. Do you have it?" If the answer is no (and you know it will be) then make her go back in and get her suit. Or if she won't do that, make her acknowledge that she won't be able to do the water class and will have to occupy herself while you go to the class. Just sit there and wait until she either gets the suit or acknowledges that you'll do the class anyway without her.

Remember the old adage: A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Not exactly an emergency, but if she can't take responsibility for something as simple as her own gear that she needs to carry out doctor's orders, then you certainly don't need to take responsibility for it.

And if she can't afford it, that's too bad, but haranguing you about keeping your spare suit is not the way to go about getting help.

You need to make a choice here- do you want to enable her by giving her the swimsuit/loaning it to her every time/checking up on her to make sure she brings it, or treat her like an adult? I'm assuming you aren't loaning her towels, a comb, etc, as well. If she can bring the other essentials, why can't she bring a suit?

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude. I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am and ending the day between 5 and 7. The class is at noon. Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits. ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point. So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together. Hence the lending of the suit.

Exactly how old is your friend? Are you her mother? She says waiting feels wrong to her. Then why is she not bringing her suit? I think it is nice that you are willing to spend all day with this friend. Next time you go to pick her up for the day, let her know ahead of time when you get there, "Oh, Susie, you better grab your suit. I forgot to put the extra one in the trunk. Oh, no suit? Then you better get a book, because I will not be missing class today.".

So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

Nope, not rude! I imagine that it won't take but a time or two of her wandering around bored while you enjoy the class and she'll remember her suit! I wouldn't be surprised if she's "forgetting" hers because the one you loan her is more flattering, hence the repeated pleas to keep it.

It seems to me that she doesn't actually want to participate in the class so she forgets to bring her suit in a passive aggressive move to make you skip it as well. Next time she borrows your spare, don't take it back from her right away. I'd bet she forgets that one as well when the time comes. If that happens you'll know it's not about the bathing suit.

It seems to me that she doesn't actually want to participate in the class so she forgets to bring her suit in a passive aggressive move to make you skip it as well. Next time she borrows your spare, don't take it back from her right away. I'd bet she forgets that one as well when the time comes. If that happens you'll know it's not about the bathing suit.

Then snowdragon is out her spare suit, which she keeps handy in case another friend needs it or she forgets her own.

You need to make a choice here- do you want to enable her by giving her the swimsuit/loaning it to her every time/checking up on her to make sure she brings it, or treat her like an adult? I'm assuming you aren't loaning her towels, a comb, etc, as well. If she can bring the other essentials, why can't she bring a suit?

POD. Why are you mothering her? You aren't responsible for her or her children to get from point A to point B just because she doesn't drive. If she really wanted to do things, she can make her own arrangements to meet you.

So what say you, am I rude, is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

I'm afraid I don't understand how it could be rude to loan something.

This.

OP, you are not being rude to loan it. You are also not obligated to loan it, and you will not be rude if you stop loaning it. You are obviously going nuts from the annoyance of loaning it, so stop. Just stop. If she sits there bored for one session, she'll get it.

I was a little moochy like this in my past and this was really the only thing that worked. Just cut off the supply and she'll have to come up with her own solution.

Many years ago, my Boss and wife had four children living at home, and the whole family skied. Skiing wasn't cheap, even back then, when one counted lift tickets for six and travel and meals and equipment.

It seemed that on each trip, someone forgot his/her skis and Boss ended up renting them for the forgetful family member. Bass and wife made a new rule: anyone who forgot his/her skis had better bring a book, because funds for equipment rental had been eliminated. I think the youngest child was 7 or so.

Boss forgot his skis that week but everyone remembered from that point on, I think.

If this friend has been told by a doctor that they should do this, and they signed up WITH YOU for this class, they know what the class requires (i.e. a swimsuit). I vote that you forget the swimsuit one day. "But why don't you have 'my' swimsuit??" "Oh, another friend borrowed it and hasn't returned it yet. Why don't you have your own ready, you knew we were going swimming today." If she starts sputtering about how she expected you to let her borrow 'her' suit, tell her once again that it is a suit that you allow all friends to borrow, it is not hers alone, and if she wants one JUST for herself - bring one from home. Ask her if she even has a suit, period. That should give you some insight.

Sure, you can buy a suit at Walmart (in the right season, or even online) for fairly cheap. You get what you pay for, though; a pricier suit bought from swimoutlet.com lasted me much longer than a Walmart suit and fit me even better (granted I have an odd body shape). It could be she can't afford to buy one of her own. If she can afford it, but just won't for some reason, tell her point blank she needs to buy her own and stop relying on you to provide something that is not hers. If she shows up without a suit, tell her "oh well, you can sit on the bench or here's a great book I got last week you can read it in the car while I take my class." You signed up for it. You're paying for the membership, so you're paying to be there. I would make a friend sit and watch if they "forgot" their suit.

So what say you, am I rude, is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

I'm afraid I don't understand how it could be rude to loan something.

It is not rude to loan a swimsuit.

It is not rude to refuse to lend a swimsuit.

It is rude to expect to always borrow a swimsuit when you need one and even ruder to demand that it be given to you.

If you need a special size or a mastectomy swimsuit, for Petes sake, buy one on sale, on-line, or sew one for yourself if you have that many quirks to fit. Don' t keep asking to keep a spare someone else has been generous enough to have handy so that there is no disruption to plans!