“This is a breakthough, I’m 48 and have never had sex in my life. Now I can finally procreate thanks to this amazing machine,” Garry Weinstink, who works for some faceless tech company in Silicon Valley, Northern California, revealed.

Brave New World

Major tech companies are now all buying these machines in droves says the U.S. department of commerce.

“The geeks and nerds these companies employ need to pass on the geek and nerd genes somehow. Obviously women steer clear of the poor bastards, so in the interest of continuing our investment in technology for the next generation of nerds, we have installed these machines all over our buildings,” vice president for Nanomorph Corp. Edward Fink, told Wired magazine.

The Daico corporation Sperm Retrieval machines are diecast and sturdy and can withstand the pressures of amorous geeks without any problems.

“We got three in the hall, one in the cafe, one in each toilet and even some in the programming rooms. If you’re in the middle of a serious project with a deadline to catch, you can relieve some of the pressure and then get back to work. We’ve seen our work productivity continuum increase by 65% with the use of these machines in just one week. Hell I even tried one and I have to say, my wife only gets seconds after this thing,” a beaming Mr Fink revealed.

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