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Common pitfalls & conflicts for new GPs/GP2Bs to avoid

29 posts in this topic

RoseRed135 5293

So exciting to have/be about to have a new GC - whether this is the first one or not! Unfortunately, in all that excitement, even the most loving of GPs may make mistakes and/or find themselves in the middle of conflict w/ the new parents. Also, it often seems that these problems involve mismatched expectations.

For that reason, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss some common pitfalls/conflicts for new GPs and GP2Bs to watch out for, including how they can avoid having their expectations dashed. To get started, I've listed some of these issues below. Hope that's helpful!

Also, please feel free to comment on these matters in a reply, add others or ask about possible "pitfalls" you're not sure of.

If you commented on these issues in the earlier thread, "What are some common pitfalls... to watch out for?" or "How can a new grandparent manage their expectations?" no worries - they're still here, just further down the page and locked.

Edited 3 Sep 2017 by RoseRed135typo

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RoseRed135 5293

Here are some possible pitfalls/conflicts w/ parents that GPs can fall into (some of them are based on posters' comments in the 2 earlier threads). As you can see, some issues can occur/begin before baby is even born....

1.Trying to weigh in on prebirth decisions - No doubt, some families and religious/cultural groups have specific naming traditions. And some GPs have set, well- thought out ideas about childbirth (hospital v. birthing center .v. at-home) or infant feeding (bottle v. breast, etc.). But parents often want to do things differently.

2. Expectations surrounding the pregnancy - Mismatched expectations about the pregnancy are a problem for some extended families, too. For example, the GPs might want to shout about their coming GB from the rooftops - especially if this is going to be their first! But the parents might want to keep the pregnancy private for a while, only telling a select few about it. This can be frustrating for the GPs. And yet, refusal to respect this wish can lead to tensions that continue long after baby is born.

Relatedly, the GPs might expect to be told the due date. And they might expect to be told the gender if/when the parents find out. But, apparently, some parents prefer to keep that info private, even from the GPs.

3. Expectations surrounding the birth - Now that more people are allowed in Labor & Delivery w/ the expectant mom than just the dad and medical staff, IMO, it's understandable that some GPs just assume that they will be there (and just as understandable if they'd rather not.) And since some parents now have more people in the waiting room, I also understand if some GPs have expectations about that. But some parents2B do not share this view. Some would rather not have anyone else in L&D.* And some would rather not have anyone in the waiting room, either, though they have no official say over that.

- Announcing baby's birth on FB before the parents do is something else excited new GPs (or aunts, etc.) sometimes do. And some parents are ok w/ this. But other parents feel it's "their" news and resent being "upstaged."

* Also, many hospitals have rules about the number of people allowed in L&D besides the expectant mom and the doctors and nurses.

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RoseRed135 5293

There is also sometimes a clash of expectations regarding the new baby and visits, etc. Some of these differences might be true as concerns older children, as well

4.About visits - It's not unusual for GPs to expect to visit the new baby and parents quite a bit, once they're at home, especially if that's what their parents/kids'GPs did. And especially to help the new mom. But nowadays, it's not unheard-of either for new parents to want to stave off visitors for a week or 2 (or more) or to stagger visitation, w/ one side of the family visiting in the beginning and the other later on. In fact, since dads have become increasingly involved in babycare over the years, new parents today often want those early weeks just to work out their shared routines and, of course, bond as a family w/ their new baby

5. Updated vaccines for adults - Apparently, there is now some concern about newborns catching diseases from adult carriers who have not had certain vaccines updated. As such, some parents are asking GPs to get this done. But some GPs are reluctant or afraid that they "can't" for one reason or another.

6. "Helping" the parents - No, that's not a typo or any other kind of error. Basically, of course, it's good to be willing and able to help out. But a problem sometimes arises if the new parents' idea of help and the GPs' don't match. For example, while a new GM may envision taking care of baby while mom gets to rest or do other things, mom might rather that GM do some of those "other things" (i.e. household chores) while she (mom) focuses on baby. Or vice versa (though that seems to be less common).

7. Posting Baby's/Child's Pix - Granted, if someone sends you a photo, whether by email or FaceBook, technically, it's "yours" and you may feel you can do w/ it as you like. Not to mention that posts on FB generally carry a "Share" option. But some parents, understandably, worry about safety/security. They may prefer that others ask if they can post/repost a pciture of their child or that they simply not do so at all.

8. Ignoring/Flouting parental wishes in general - You (general GP) may think the new parents are over-zealous about, say, avoiding the use of heavy blankets or insisting that people wash their hands every time they go to touch baby. But in most cases, they are probably following the latest info about SIDS, etc., according to their doctor, the latest childcare books or the Internet, and feel more comfortable doing that.

9.. Unsolicted Advice - Few of us like unasked-for advice and new parents are no exception. I know you may feel you have a lot of knowledge and experience to share. But there is so much new info, today, as mentioned above in # 2. Also, it seems to me that new parents, today, are more openly resistant to unsought advice than in previous generations. And even if they seek your advice, the younger parents may choose not to follow it.

Edited 11 Sep 2017 by RoseRed135to add a thought

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Mame925 4864

Yep, mismatched expectations are THE BIGGEST PITFALL...I've been very lucky, was invited to the birth of #1GB, his dad was too nervous to cut the cord, so I got to...my face was the first thing GB saw...we're very bonded. I was accidentally at the birth of #2GB...the labor dragged on for 27 hours, when they went to hospital DS called to tell me to get my flight the next day...I got there before GB did...DIL's mom & I watched the cesarean section birth thru a window in the OR (staff knew we were there, all good). #3GB was a planned c/s for a breech presentation, so DsD asked us to be waiting room warriors, we saw the baby within 1/2 an hour of birth. #1GG (sister for #2GB) kept me at home minding the then 3yo while everyone else went to the birth. DIL's mom came home mid day so we could switch places so I could meet the pink bundle. #2GG (sister for #3GB) we waited at home at DsD's request...we saw them the next day. #4GB (younger DB for #2GB/#1GG) again kept me home with the olders...after getting them to school & daycare I went to hospital to find c/s delayed, so was a waiting room warrior. Saw him within 1/2 an hour of birth and got to hold him right away....

Good planning ahead & mutual respect all around...worked SIX times for me. I have full access to everyone, try to not step on anyone's toes.

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Komorebi 849

It's important to mention that it all depends on the families involved, their dynamics, beliefs, personalities- No two are alike, like perfectly cut cookies- Some soon to be moms and dads are open to all things while others much more selective with lists of preferences and desires for privacy- Go with the unique flow of the soon to be moms and dads-

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ImpishMom 13511

It's important to mention that it all depends on the families involved, their dynamics, beliefs, personalities- No two are alike, like perfectly cut cookies- Some soon to be moms and dads are open to all things while others much more selective with lists of preferences and desires for privacy- Go with the unique flow of the soon to be moms and dads-

The bolded. Exactly.

And, I disagree w/Rose: I don't think it's normal, or appropriate, to expect to attend a woman giving birth unless you're her partner. It frankly doesn't matter what every other woman in the family may or may not have done, or what you personally choose to do when you gave birth. Nobody should have an expectation of attending someone else's birth.

Simply put, respect the decisions of the new parents gracefully. You may not like their choices, may think they're wrong, but it's their baby, and their choices to make.

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Komorebi 849

And, I disagree w/Rose: I don't think it's normal, or appropriate, to expect to attend a woman giving birth unless you're her partner. It frankly doesn't matter what every other woman in the family may or may not have done, or what you personally choose to do when you gave birth. Nobody should have an expectation of attending someone else's birth.

Simply put, respect the decisions of the new parents gracefully. You may not like their choices, may think they're wrong, but it's their baby, and their choices to make.

Exactly, each individual is different and has the right to decide what is normal for them- And when some moms and dads desire the presence of family at the birth, family members invited can expect to be present at the birth- Also for some families it may be source of hurt feelings if a grandparent didn't expect to be there- There's so many combinations- Just go with the flow ..

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ImpishMom 13511

Exactly, each individual is different and has the right to decide what is normal for them- And when some moms and dads desire the presence of family at the birth, family members invited can expect to be present at the birth- Also for some families it may be source of hurt feelings if a grandparent didn't expect to be there- There's so many combinations- Just go with the flow ..

I genuinely don't understand why folks get hurt over how a woman chooses to give birth. To me, that's just wrong. It's her body. She's giving birth. Stress is shown to be a negative influence on birth.

I just think anyone that has expectations, or gets hurt, over someone else's birth plan is selfish. The woman in labour (or surgery, as the case may be) has NEEDS. Everyone else has WANTS. And to get hurt that your wants aren't trumping her needs, is just a selfish, lousy thing to do, imo.

Yes, it's your grandchild...but her baby. Her body. It's not a Pez dispenser, spitting out a shiny new lovely for you to coo over.

Oh, and if we could forever and ever get rid of accusing someone of 'hogging' or 'being selfish' with their baby, that would be great, too.

Baby does NOT benefit from anyone else holding him/her. Baby ONLY needs Mom, and if she's nursing, to a lesser degree, Dad. Baby does not need to 'bond' with anyone else, although siblings, if they are around, is a very very good idea, to help lessen jealousy. Baby has no object permanence. Baby won't remember who held him/her. What baby needs, for their safety, security, and well being, is Mom. Her touch, smell, sound of her heartbeat.

If you don't get to hold baby, don't get insulted. Mom is simply doing what is best for baby. And, as a good grandparent, that's what you want too, right? What's best for baby?

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Komorebi 849

I genuinely don't understand why folks get hurt over how a woman chooses to give birth. To me, that's just wrong. It's her body. She's giving birth. Stress is shown to be a negative influence on birth.

I just think anyone that has expectations, or gets hurt, over someone else's birth plan is selfish. The woman in labour (or surgery, as the case may be) has NEEDS. Everyone else has WANTS. And to get hurt that your wants aren't trumping her needs, is just a selfish, lousy thing to do, imo.

Yes, it's your grandchild...but her baby. Her body. It's not a Pez dispenser, spitting out a shiny new lovely for you to coo over.

Oh, and if we could forever and ever get rid of accusing someone of 'hogging' or 'being selfish' with their baby, that would be great, too.

Baby does NOT benefit from anyone else holding him/her. Baby ONLY needs Mom, and if she's nursing, to a lesser degree, Dad. Baby does not need to 'bond' with anyone else, although siblings, if they are around, is a very very good idea, to help lessen jealousy. Baby has no object permanence. Baby won't remember who held him/her. What baby needs, for their safety, security, and well being, is Mom. Her touch, smell, sound of her heartbeat.

If you don't get to hold baby, don't get insulted. Mom is simply doing what is best for baby. And, as a good grandparent, that's what you want too, right? What's best for baby?

Personally, I want what the mom wants- No matter if I agree with what's wanted or I don't- In the end it is her decision, nothing trumps that- But that's as far as I go, I don't do people telling how to feel or not feel about anything- While I respect what any mom thinks is best for their baby I don't "have" to "feel" that it is if I disagree- I simply do "have" to respect what mom thinks is best because it's her child, no need to voice my disagreement- I'm obliged to follow her lead- I am not obliged to not have my own opinions and feelings-

In our family, we all survived infancy being held by many- When we had children they too were held by many- When our children had children they were held by many as well- Lots of cooing, laughter, joy and photographs- There was hogging, but not by the moms- By grandpa, because he enjoyed holding the babies- This wasn't an everyday thing, of course-

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ImpishMom 13511

Personally, I want what the mom wants- No matter if I agree with what's wanted or I don't- In the end it is her decision, nothing trumps that- But that's as far as I go, I don't do people telling how to feel or not feel about anything- While I respect what any mom thinks is best for their baby I don't "have" to "feel" that it is if I disagree- I simply do "have" to respect what mom thinks is best because it's her child, no need to voice my disagreement- I'm obliged to follow her lead- I am not obliged to not have my own opinions and feelings-

In our family, we all survived infancy being held by many- When we had children they too were held by many- When our children had children they were held by many as well- Lots of cooing, laughter, joy and photographs- There was hogging, but not by the moms- By grandpa, because he enjoyed holding the babies- This wasn't an everyday thing, of course-

I have to be honest, I kinda loathe the, "We survived...". Yep. Loads of kids survived no carseats too. And feeding infants water. And rice cereals in bottles. And formula was believed better than breast milk. The list goes on.

Just b/c someone survived something doesn't mean that it's the right/best thing. As we know better, we do better.

And now, we know, thanks to infant and child development studies, that baby gets 0 benefit from being passed around, and held by others than their parent.

I'm not saying it shouldn't ever happen, or even that it's WRONG if others choose to play pass the baby. God knows there were times where the only way I got to pee or shower was to have someone else hold baby. Their baby, their rules. I'm saying, do not accuse parents of 'hogging' their baby. They shouldn't pressure a new parent to allow others to hold the baby, make snarky/p/a comments, or get hurt/offended if parents don't pass baby over. They don't owe anyone a chance to hold their baby, baby doesn't get a benefit from it, so if they don't offer, or refuse someone asking, accept it, respect it, and move on.

And if we could also do away with complaints about not getting 'my grandparent experience' that would be great too. Parents don't make decisions based on what extended family thinks ought to happen, they do what's best for them, and their child. They don't owe anyone the 'experience' that they had in mind. They owe it to themselves and their children to do what's best for *them*. Just b/c Grandma dreamed of being in the birthing suite doesn't mean parents are obligated to make that happen. Just b/c Grandpa dreamed of taking a kid on a hunting trip doesn't mean parents are obligated to make that happen. Just b/c grandparents dreamed of having all grandchildren in their house, waking up Christmas morning doesn't mean it's going to, or anyone has to. The list goes on.

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Komorebi 849

I have to be honest, I kinda loathe the, "We survived...". Yep. Loads of kids survived no carseats too. And feeding infants water. And rice cereals in bottles. And formula was believed better than breast milk. The list goes on.

Just b/c someone survived something doesn't mean that it's the right/best thing. As we know better, we do better.

And now, we know, thanks to infant and child development studies, that baby gets 0 benefit from being passed around, and held by others than their parent.

I'm not saying it shouldn't ever happen, or even that it's WRONG if others choose to play pass the baby. God knows there were times where the only way I got to pee or shower was to have someone else hold baby. Their baby, their rules. I'm saying, do not accuse parents of 'hogging' their baby. They shouldn't pressure a new parent to allow others to hold the baby, make snarky/p/a comments, or get hurt/offended if parents don't pass baby over. They don't owe anyone a chance to hold their baby, baby doesn't get a benefit from it, so if they don't offer, or refuse someone asking, accept it, respect it, and move on.

And if we could also do away with complaints about not getting 'my grandparent experience' that would be great too. Parents don't make decisions based on what extended family thinks ought to happen, they do what's best for them, and their child. They don't owe anyone the 'experience' that they had in mind. They owe it to themselves and their children to do what's best for *them*. Just b/c Grandma dreamed of being in the birthing suite doesn't mean parents are obligated to make that happen. Just b/c Grandpa dreamed of taking a kid on a hunting trip doesn't mean parents are obligated to make that happen. Just b/c grandparents dreamed of having all grandchildren in their house, waking up Christmas morning doesn't mean it's going to, or anyone has to. The list goes on.

I can understand that, seeing it from your angle if your angle reflects "we survived" as putting pressure on a new mom and or dad to do something other than what they want to do- Otherwise I'm grateful my family survived infancy regardless of what any of the mothers ideas were regarding what was best for their newborns-

I don't want grandparents to do away with expressing their disappointments in appropriate ways or simply experiencing them to begin with- Everyone has expectations and having expectations regarding what it might be like to be a grandparent isn't off limits or will it ever be- But there's wise ways to handle those disappointments and dashed expectations and a not so wise way- I think it's best to keep quiet about them or express them in trusted company but not express them to the new mom and dad UNLESS the new grandparent and new mom and dad have that kind of open relationship- Which some do-

Edited 10 Sep 2017 by Komorebi

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JanelleK 4278

....even the most loving of GPs may make mistakes and/or find themselves in the middle of conflict w/ the new parents. Also, it often seems that these problems involve mismatched expectations.....For that reason, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss some common pitfalls/conflicts for new GPs and GP2Bs to watch out for, including how they can avoid having their expectations dashed.

Rose, I can appreciate how carefully you laid out your 9 points, but honestly they all boil down to just one main point: IF a person wasn't at conception, none of the 9 points matter. The new parents are the only ones who have ideas that matter, period.

Especially nonsense about extra visits, don't expect anything you were not accustomed to prior to baby, in fact assume your AC will have less time to waste - don't be a burden. And technology: get over text and FB pictures, sharing, etc and pregnancy/birth-announcements.

If one is a GP, it seems to me - shut up and color is key.Everything works best IF people always remember who actually owns/has rights to whatever is being discussed-disected.

Non-baby example: Recently my husband and I were in charge of a FOO event. Each of my 3 siblings is in charge 3 upcoming weekends. My husband and I made the plans, bought food and drinks, prepared the food, transported the crockpots of food and spackleware, did the set up - and waited. Finally 50 of my FOO and our AC showed up (dawdling, very confusing to us). I thought we should quickly eat, but not mine to worry about others' tummys - we said nothing. We ate slowly just as we always do. Once we all finished my husband and I hurried to get our crockpots, spackleware, containers, etc boxed and loaded in our vehicle - for the trip home after the event.

My sister said “Do you have somewhere to go - are you off to look at your new rental house? Can we all see it?” and I said “the event, we all need to get there, get parked, and get to our seats it's almost 3:00”. She said “the event is at 7:00”. I asked “why did nobody tell me we were rushing for nothing?” -- “well, when it’s your turn - it’s all yours to choose, you were doing what you wanted, it's presumptuous to fuss about what you don't own. I own next weekend and then we'll do it my way.”

It could be argued that we planned poorly or used a wrong approach, but it had no impact on anyone else (and we all got to see the new house plus go to the event with full tummys), more important it was our turn to do what we wanted.

MYOB, it works well, no hard feelings because of meddling in new parents event-childbirth.

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ImpishMom 13511

I can understand that, seeing it from your angle if your angle reflects "we survived" as putting pressure on a new mom and or dad to do something other than what they want to do- Otherwise I'm grateful my family survived infancy regardless of what any of the mothers ideas were regarding what was best for their newborns-

I don't want grandparents to do away with expressing their disappointments in appropriate ways or simply experiencing them to begin with- Everyone has expectations and having expectations regarding what it might be like to be a grandparent isn't off limits or will it ever be- But there's wise ways to handle those disappointments and dashed expectations and a not so wise way- I think it's best to keep quiet about them or express them in trusted company but not express them to the new mom and dad UNLESS the new grandparent and new mom and dad have that kind of open relationship- Which some do-

Having expectations of someone else's life is problematic.

It's *always* inappropriate when it comes to someone else's medical procedure. Nobody should have expectations about a woman's labour and delivery, imo. Everyone hopes for a healthy Mom and Baby at the end, of course, but nobody should *expect* to be involved, unless you're the woman's partner.

And I think it's a terrible idea to have expectations of some one else's child.

Basically, if it's not something you have control over, shelve the expectations and roll with the waves.

To me, there's a difference btwn, "I hope I can visit in the hospital." and "I expect to visit in the hospital."

Better to refocus expectations towards what you can actually control, which is never other ppl.

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RoseRed135 5293

Exactly, each individual is different and has the right to decide what is normal for them- And when some moms and dads desire the presence of family at the birth, family members invited can expect to be present at the birth- Also for some families it may be source of hurt feelings if a grandparent didn't expect to be there- There's so many combinations- Just go with the flow ..

But no matter what seems "normal" to whom, in the end, IMO, GPs (and other relatives) need to understand that it's the expectant parents who get to decide who can be at the birth of their child, if anyone.

Just go with the flow ..

Yes, if the "flow" is based on the parents' wishes. No, if it's based on some other (pushy) relatives insisting on, say, being in the waiting room, getting text updates from the dad, etc. (Hopefully, not too many people are like that, but, no doubt, there are a few.)

Then again, people, what if the parents want you (general) in, say, L&D and you don't want to be there? Is it ok to decline? Or should parental wishes win out here, too?

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RoseRed135 5293

I don't want grandparents to do away with expressing their disappointments in appropriate ways or simply experiencing them to begin with- Everyone has expectations and having expectations regarding what it might be like to be a grandparent isn't off limits or will it ever be- But some suggest it's easier on the GPs, etc. if they go into this w/ no expectations or very flexible ones (as in, "I hope this/that will happen, but I'll accept if it doesn't"). - But there's wise ways to handle those disappointments and dashed expectations and a not so wise way- I think it's best to keep quiet about them or express them in trusted company but not express them to the new mom and dad UNLESS the new grandparent and new mom and dad have that kind of open relationship- Which some do- Another wise idea, IMO, is to express those disappointments here on these boards.

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Komorebi 849

Ladies, folks, we're talking over each other all while saying the same thing in agreement which is that the expectant mother calls the shots-

Not all expectant moms expectations are the same regarding grandparent involvement-

Rather than hammering away at wanting to pin down the "right" way to address expectations in an effort to be "right" how about presenting the issue as a question:

How do you manage your own expectations and disappointments? Perhaps discussing that from a personal vantage point would prove more helpful than simply "telling" others what they should or shouldn't do- Yes?

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ImpishMom 13511

Ladies, folks, we're talking over each other all while saying the same thing in agreement which is that the expectant mother calls the shots-

Not all expectant moms expectations are the same regarding grandparent involvement-

Rather than hammering away at wanting to pin down the "right" way to address expectations in an effort to be "right" how about presenting the issue as a question:

How do you manage your own expectations and disappointments? Perhaps discussing that from a personal vantage point would prove more helpful than simply "telling" others what they should or shouldn't do- Yes?

I recently read a blurb from a paternal gma (in Australia) that thinks she ought to have had the legal right to attend her grandchild's birth. Her DIL wouldn't let her, you see, and that's her grandchild being born.

So, expectations have been very much on my mind, lol

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Mame925 4864

No one has the right to be present during a birth whether it be legal or moral...Personally, I feel birth is private...I declined being in the room with my daughter, but she insisted..I stayed because she insisted. xMIL would never have dreamed of intruding, my mom wouldn't have asked, but had she been asked would have attended.

Adjust your expectations to the criteria set before you....

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Komorebi 849

My expectations regarding "becoming" a grandparent were next to nothing, honestly -- and I have a VIVID imagination- It wasn't until "after" the grandchildren began to arrive that I fumbled with expectations and disappointments and recovered- I do not meet my daughters expectations and she doesn't meet mine and yet we've navigated through difficult times and came out the other side understanding and accepting each other more than before- Both of us wish things were different in a variety of areas but "see" that these things are not to be- So neither of us waste much of our time anymore hoping or expecting things to be different- Not that we NEVER do, but we do it on our own clock either together or separately without any "fanfare"- Both appreciation and forgiveness play a MAJOR role in our relationship- And my relationship with her is at the core of the relationship with my grandchildren- My relationship with them wouldn't be what it is without my relationship with her -- if that makes any sense-

Having a healthy relationship with the parent of the grandchildren is where a healthy relationship with the grandchildren begins, I think -- because that's how it's worked out for me, personally-

Sometimes grandparents do wind up disappointing the parents of the newborn or expectant parents- Some grandparents expect to not be as involved as the soon to be parents anticipated- It works both ways-

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RoseRed135 5293

Ladies, folks, we're talking over each other all while saying the same thing in agreement which is that the expectant mother calls the shots-

Not all expectant moms expectations are the same regarding grandparent involvement-

Rather than hammering away at wanting to pin down the "right" way to address expectations in an effort to be "right" how about presenting the issue as a question:

How do you manage your own expectations and disappointments? Perhaps discussing that from a personal vantage point would prove more helpful than simply "telling" others what they should or shouldn't do- Yes?

Perhaps. ...

But this is the New Grandparents forum, after all. So the questions were presented in terms of what new GPs/GP2Bs might find themselves facing. As such, IMO, it makes sense that many posters have replied in terms of what they think GPs/GP2Bs should do/not do.

However, no doubt, talking about what you (general) do to "manage your own expectations and disappointments" might be very helpful. So I hope everyone feels free to do that, also, if they wish.

Edited 11 Sep 2017 by RoseRed135

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Komorebi 849

I recently read a blurb from a paternal gma (in Australia) that thinks she ought to have had the legal right to attend her grandchild's birth. Her DIL wouldn't let her, you see, and that's her grandchild being born.

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JanelleK 4278

And technology: get over text and FB pictures, sharing, etc and pregnancy/birth-announcements.

MYOB, it works well, no hard feelings because of meddling in new parents event-childbirth.

An interesting update to the FB bit. I added FB, above, because a MIL I know is in a FB birth-announce-drama. The fuss has escalated to harassment no-contact against MIL. The baby is only weeks old. Perhaps MYOB would have been a wise choice.