John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

There's no time limit on how long you display pictures of someone who died, and there's no limit to keeping other possessions. (Published 7/1/2014)

Q:

My brother-in-law was widowed 5 months ago after his wife contracted a fatal bacterial infection while in the hospital. He seems to be displacing a lot of his anger at my husband, his younger brother. He stopped coming over to our house to visit or have a meal with us. When is it appropriate to remove her clothing, medications and personal things form the house? Also, her voice is still on the answering machine. It's creepy to hear it after 5 months. He goes every Saturday to her grave and spends hours there. Is all of this behavior healthy?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Joan,

Thanks for your note and questions.

The range of normal reactions to grief is wide, and there are no realistic time zones to define exactly when issues about possessions and voice messages become unhealthy.

For example, there is no time limit on how long you might have and display have pictures of someone who died, so we can’t and shouldn’t arbitrarily assign a time limit to other possessions.

Interestingly enough, it is widows and widowers of very long term marriages who may find great comfort in the clothing and other possessions associated with their spouse who died. You have to keep in mind that the death of a long-term spouse is like losing a piece of your body – literally.

As to the answering machine, I personally have had an uncomfortable experience with that exact thing. A member of my extended family left her husband’s voice on the machine for a very long time. Every time I called, I was taken aback to hear the voice. While I agree that it is awkward and can be creepy, it’s still a choice that the immediate griever gets to make, whether we like it or not.

In spite of my reaction and yours, I still don’t think that the message machine thing is necessarily unhealthy for the surviving widow, nor are the other things you report.

Our suggestion to you is that if and when you talk to your brother-in-law, or see him, it would be helpful to acknowledge what we’re almost positive is true for him – that he misses her very much. And you might even ask him if keeping her things, for now, gives him a sense of connection and comfort. His visits to the cemetery are an obvious proof of how much he misses her. Honor all of that, and you might find yourself less uncomfortable with how he’s’ dealing with this. And by doing that, he might be more inclined to start letting some of those possessions go and learning to adapt to this life he now has without her.