Things Peregrine is not allowed to do at work anymore

1. Referring to boss as 'Yo, Big Man!'2. Use alphabet soup in the form of 'Yo, Big Man! Got the 411 on the QBR, FTW!'3. ... Especially not when the CEO is in his office. Even if he thought it was funny. 4. Referring to Bitchy!Paralegal as a Mucking 4-on out loud.5. Humming of Disturbed songs.6. Humming of It's A Small World.7. Singing of It's A Small World.8. Replace the decaf office tea with yerba matte ever again.9. ... Even if noone but me drinks it.10. ... ESPECIALLY if noone but me drinks it.10. Give the office machinery names.11. ... and then argue with them.12. Telling one of the V.P.'s that his tie is a festering, obnoxious eyesore that should be burned as an aesthetic blight. 13. Express that one of the attorneys was looking 'particularly gangster'. (as in Capone, not Snoop Dawg)14. Print out swine flu office mandates on paper with festive smiling pink pigs around the border.15. Suggest a particularly impressionable fellow employee lick a handful of Purell hand sanitizer. 16. Have an air war with cans of compressed air. 17. Addend the "Have you washed your hands?" signs in the bathroom with "Because if you didn't, you're on the side of TERRORISTS and likely to catch and spread SWINE FLU!" and another smiling piggy border.18. Punch keys on the copier to make them beep in the tune of Jingle Bells. 19. Threaten to 'go Office Space' on the fax machine. 20. Have zombie pandemic magazine covers leftover from the Haunted House hung on walls of cube.21. Fall anywhere inconvenient, like on the brand new multipurpose office machine. 22. Change coworker's password to a swearword.23. ... Or anyone else's password.24. Respond in Russian with Cyrillic font to annoying corporate surveys. 25. Suggest that everybody disco when the emergency response strobe lights go off. (Remember the impressionable coworker? Yeah.)26. Respond to a third-party request from Bitchy!Paralegal with "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"27. Hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.28. ... Encourage others to hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.29. ..... Especially not during a vendor orientation tour.30. IM my boss with things that will make him laugh during a conference call.31. ...Even if they weren't meant to be funny.32. Refer to an evil murdering bastard out loud as an evil murdering bastard, even if he is.33. Threaten to invade Audit floor with silly string and a parade of clowns if they don't finalize my document request in a reasonable amount of time.34. Wear scent that makes me smell like "a pastry". 35. Build voodoo dolls of people I don't like with malleable erasers and stick them full of T-pins.36. Chant. Ever.37. Tilt the bad, tacky art on the walls ever so slightly to see who straightens it.38. Colour code an online time chart with neon and blink tags and marquee scrolling text.39. Use 5pt font. Ever.40. Forcibly switch Boss to caffeine free diet coke. 41. ... Even if his wife tells me to.42. Decline meeting invites with "Likely to cause bowel irritation" as the comment.43. Decline meeting invites due to pressing bocce ball commitments. 44. Amuse self by changing speed on transcription machine to 145% so attorneys sound like Chipmunks.45. Throw horns when we do something cool.46. Distract department with pictures of precious white and yellow bitty bats.47. Mime conversations with the window washers outside.48. Use the page function on the phone for nefarious purposes.49. Use any other office gadget for nefarious purposes.50. Bring in my own gadgetry specifically for the purpose of engaging in nefarious purposes.

You don't. You'd have to work with Bitchy!Paralegal and then you'd start accumulating lists too, as you tried to keep your days upbeat. Otherwise, they'd wind up clouded with misery, bile and hate. Quite seriously, she is the worst person I have ever had to work with and I desperately hope they fire her ass.