10/24/2008 @ 3:00PM

Sexual Recession

Americans anxious about diminishing 401(k) statements or looming pink slips should turn their attention to a side effect of the present economic tsunami: the way it’s washing away the love lives of couples caught up in the rushing waters.

Stress, depression and anxiety all wreak havoc on the libido–and, let’s face it, there’s plenty of all three to go around these days.

Even if the current credit crunch ends up being short-lived, a more general recession will certainly have more staying power, meaning less of it in the nation’s bedrooms.

What’s particularly damaging about this dwindling appetite for sex is that it’s often misunderstood. We know that men who lose their jobs, and thus their roles as family breadwinners, will let it affect their sense of manhood, resulting in a loss of sexual desire. A woman can engage in sex whether or not she’s aroused, but a man needs to have an erection to perform. And if he has any problems in this area, the couple’s sex life will diminish or even disappear.

But the cause of the problem is not always apparent. It’s easy for both partners to assume that it’s personal, that he’s lost his desire for her. And under such an assumption, they’re going to drift further and further apart even though, at this particular time in their lives, they need to be coming together in order to better withstand the economic storm.

One couple experiencing this problem came to see me recently. He hadn’t yet lost his job, but he knew business was bad and it was only a matter of time. But since he didn’t want to worry his wife, he didn’t tell her about his fears. He constantly imagined the dreaded day when he’d be called in to see his manager; sex was the last thing he craved. But since his wife didn’t know what was going on–and since he was being especially silent about his activities during the day–she began to suspect that he was having an affair. That, she concluded, was the reason they weren’t having sex. When she finally accused him, he blew up because he was at a low point and she was blindsiding him with an accusation that was far from true.

Luckily, they sought a relationship therapist. When he told me what was going on, I made him understand that his loss of desire was a result of the stress he was under. Then I got the two of them talking about it, and their problem was easily solved. But had they not gone for help, this misunderstanding could have ended their marriage.

One can imagine similar scenarios taking place in homes across the country, or even around the world. It is paramount to get the word out to couples that this economic tsunami is going to have a negative effect not only in the boardroom but the bedroom too. Only when couples understand the source can they avoid the mistake, which is thinking any growing distance between them is a relationship problem.

Beyond simply avoiding a misunderstanding, when the proverbial wolf is howling at the door, couples can draw much-needed strength by clinging to one another. This doesn’t always have to lead to sex, but it could–and, at least from time to time, it should. Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, so couples need to maintain their sex lives. Just because one or both partners don’t really feel “in the mood” is no excuse to abandon hope. Be persistent.

The French have an expression, “L’appetit vient en mangeant,” which means “your appetite comes as you eat.” Even if a couple doesn’t feel like making love, they should make an appointment, take their clothes off and climb into bed together. Most of the time this will be enough to get them started.

So no matter how much the falling financial systems are crippling couples, they need to understand the importance of maintaining their own sexual relationships–because the profits from that will surely outlast the market’s.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a sex therapist. She has written 34 books and answers people’s questions on her Web site. Pierre Lehu contributed research to this piece.