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UK students: We need to vote?

LEXINGTON –

It was a peaceful Tuesday morning in the sleepy town of Lexington. Birds were chirping, sirens were screeching up and down Nicholasville Road, and many a UK student was still asleep in their bed. But then, at approximately 10:07 a.m., a shocking text was sent out by a Miss Sean de Lear, reading “Hey guys, did u know we’re supposed to vote today?”

By 11 a.m. the text had circled most of the campus, and after consulting a number of thoroughly annoyed political science majors it was confirmed that students, indeed, were expected to vote on Election Day. By 11:02 a.m., massive panic engulfed most of the dorms and student ghettos surrounding UK’s campus.

Some students were outraged by the information, believing that the holiday’s name was not clear enough to warrant any sort of action from the general public. “It’s ridiculous,” complains sophomore Brock Olli. “If they don’t expect us to work on Labor Day, how are we supposed to know we need to vote on Election Day?”

Other students were less angry at the sudden turn of events, and more annoyed. “I was planning on staying in and having a party later,” whines junior Tom Aetoe. “But now if I don’t vote, I’m going to feel guilty. This sucks.”

Many students shared Mr. Aetoe’s sentiments, as the polls were flooded by a sudden rush of young, eligible voters wanting to cast their ballot before it got late enough to drink themselves into a light coma. The results were predictable and violent; many voting locations were completely overrun, with at least one church being knocked over and two firehouses engulfed in flames by sundown.

Additional reports include accounts of seventeen battered squirrels, three robbed liquor stores, five overturned cars, two burned ottomans, and one very disgruntled partridge in a pear tree. Sadly, outcomes like this are not unusual on voting day for Lexington.

Dr. Wes Bigglesworth, a professor of Bulgarian Stockings and part time volunteer on Election Day, reports that this happens every election year.

“This happens every election year. Students think that the university gives them the day off because they like the students. Well they don’t. The university just wants them to be good citizens and vote, like they did in the Cold War when failing to turn out on Election Day meant the Commies won!”

Additional reports of violence and squirrel battering persisted into the night, and many elderly folks were encouraged not to turn out after a certain hour for fear of being attacked by drunken college kids performing their civic duty.

So stay inside dear readers, and remember: everything is out to kill you.

On the first day of election season, my true love gave to me: a disgruntled partridge in a pear tree.