Sunday, August 31, 2014

We rejoin Johnny and Courteney in Melbourne for part two of their dating competition, where it seems she has the distinct advantage of not being half dead.

"We went out for wines last night," she explains.

Understatement of the year.

While she went home at the respectable time of 2am, Johnny apparently stayed out drinking until five and consequently has had one hour of sleep, and now looks like this:

The only date Johnny has today is with this glass of Coke. It's love.

She might be hangover-free, but Courteney isn't exactly rocking this dating competition either. Two of her dates have cancelled via text message, probably because they woke up on Sunday morning looking like Johnny and realised they didn't actually want to be on TV.

Speaking of looking like Johnny, he looks amazing for someone with one hour's sleep and more wine in their bloodstream than actual blood:

Hangover, by Calvin Klein.

Unfortunately though when his date arrives heremoves his sunglasses, revealing his bloodshot eyes and shattering the illusion.

"Damn, I hope my friend remembers to fake call me like we arranged."

While Johnny tries not to vomit on his date, Courteney attempts to make up for her two cancellations by cracking onto an entire table of five blokes via a handwritten note that begins "Dear table of cute boys".

"Jeez she must be desperate. I'll go."

With the promise of a mid-morning leg-over within reach, one of the blokes heads inside to meet Courteney and suddenly finds himself starring in a film noir.

"Of all the brunch spots in all the towns in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

Sadly, this film noir appears to have been written by a first year creative writing student at Cootamundra TAFE, as the dialogue is about as scintillating as an episode of Play School.

Bloke: I'm an engineer.

Courteney: How'd you get into engineering?

Bloke: I dunno, really.

Courteney: Is that something you have to be good at maths for?

Bloke: Yeah.

Courteney: Are you on Tinder?

Bloke: Yeah.

Courteney: Isn't it weird?

Bloke: Yeah.

Meanwhile, Johnny's date with a packet of Berocca is going as well as expected:

Sparkling conversation!

Suddenly Courteney's next date arrives, a cute Italian boy who speaks mangled English with a charming accent.

"What is your favourite situation to met mens?" he asks her, which is the most adorable sentence of all time and should obviously be rewarded with an instant pash.

"If all girls are as beautiful as you, I definitely going to Adelaide," he says.

HOW CAN YOU RESIST THIS?

Answer: You can't.

Except if you're Courteney, then apparently you can totally resist it.

The United Nations of dating continues with Johnny's next date, a Brazilian guy who isn't much of a conversationalist but does wait patiently while he runs to the toilet to chuck up. So that's something.

Moving on to Courteney's next date, who looks like the illustration for the Urban Dictionary entry for "Melbourne hipster".

"I was into dating before it was cool."

She was apparently impressed by his pick up line on Tinder: "If you were the president, you'd be Babraham Lincoln".

Courteney does not realise this line comes from the film Wayne's World, probably because she was ONE when that came out.

"What does 'schwing' mean though?"

Their tallies equal at three dates all, Courteney and Johnny decide on a tiebreaker - whoever can get their date to go on a ride with them at Luna Park.Courtney's hipster is good to go, because Luna Park is like, totes ironic and you can take really sick Instagrams there.

Johnny's date, not so much.

"Did you know that one in four people die on rides in Luna Park? That place is a death trap," he says.

"So, that's a no then?"

So with that, Courteney wins the dating war and heads off to Luna Park to make sure the ABC fulfils its contractual agreement with Tourism Victoria.

But as Johnny slinks home to die quietly in bed, it's clear who the real winner in all this was:

Gives you back your B B Bounce.

Now go on and READ EPISODE 17 when we have a look at all our daters two months on, and note how little has changed for everyone except Sooz. Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 15 again.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Hey y'all, just a friendly note to say THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE - I've been getting so many hits for my Bachelor Australia episode recaps! You like me, you really like me etc. etc.

I'd like to promise that this week's episodes will be up by Friday afternoon, but they won't be. So I'm going to say they'll be uploaded by Sunday, ready for you to read secretly on Monday at work when you're pretending to do important stuff. Hope that works for you.

On another note: if anyone at Channel 10 is reading this, it'd be grand to get advance copies of the show! Just sayin'... Help a sister out!

First step is setting up their Tinder profiles, because that's apparently the only way singles meet each other these days.

Frankly, meeting people through an app would actually seem to make the whole concept of travel redundant. Why not just SAY you're in Melbourne, and see how many blokes you pick up? That way you can stay at home on the couch eating pizza and you don't even have to talk to anyone, much less make yourself look nice.

I know at least one person who agrees with me on this.

Johnny figures the best way to pick up blokes is to tell everyone he's a TV star. Well, why not? It works for Josh Thomas.

Hint: if you have to specify what channel your show is on, you're not a star.Also: try spelling "weekend" properly, it might help.Also: I really hope he finished that last sentence with the word "redhead".

"You can't write 'I'm going to give away a free blow job on every date'," he tells Courteney, mainly because he didn't think of it first.

Courteney writes something about being on The Daters too, but then remembers she's barely ever on the show so deletes it, and they both get in the car and head for Victoria.

"I'm going to aim for six - anything past that is just like, extra work," says Johnny.

Thanks to the magic of television they're at the border just seconds later, where they sensibly decide to stand on the side of the freeway in the hail to tell us they haven't found any boys to date yet.

Not a metre over the border and Victoria's already giving them the cold shoulder, literally.

"It's a bit scary because I don't know what the guys are going to be like here, and I don't know what they're going to expect from a girl," Courteney says, as though Melbourne were some mystical far away land populated by weirdoes who are totally different from regular Australians.

Well...

Despite this, after 12 hours in Victoria's capital Courteney is winning the competition with three dates booked.

Johnny remains at zero.

Johnny is beginning to rethink his "I'm on the ABC" strategy.

By 2pm he still hasn't hooked a bloke. Then he gets caught in a hailstorm. So basically Johnny is having the best time ever.

Meanwhile, this is the most accurate ad Victorian Tourism's ever done.

Fortunately for Johnny, alcohol exists. So he heads to a gay bar and drinks what looks to be quite a lot of it, given that this is what happens next:

"WHO NEEDS A DATE WHEN THERE ARE TRAMPOLINES WEEEEEEEE!"

Fast forward five hours to morning and Courteney gets a text message - her 10.30am date has cancelled on her. What a surprise that a date scheduled for 10.30am on a Sunday morning fell through. Where the hell was she planning on taking them, church?

Johnny, meanwhile, may actually be dead.

Ladies and gentlemen: the world's first full body wine transfusion recipient.

After last night's alcohol-fuelled festivities the date tally stands at three all - but will Johnny survive the day to even go on them?

Given this was in the preview of the next episode, I'd assume no.

Now READ EPISODE 16, in which we get to see whether Johnny ends up with a Berocca dependency, and who actually wins the date competition. (Hint: It's probably Courteney.)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Just for something different we begin this week's episode with a good "sitting around in casual separates" session in the Shag Mansion (because that's always great TV) when a furball coughed up by next door's cat rolls through the door and announces it's not going to cook breakfast.

Oh no wait, it's just... well. You know.

He's really into musicals.

Osher is hands out the latest date card and buggers off again, because he's only contractually obliged to appear in 35 seconds per episode, but not before telling the women it is "the most romantic date yet".

"Sail away with me, meet me on the pier in one hour - Louise," Jess reads from the card, and Louise is momentarily excited at the idea of going on a date with Jess.

Then she realises she actually has to spend the day with Blake, and has to comfort herself with food.

Or at least, some air. They have a strict diet in the Shag Mansion.

Sad and gassy, she heads down to the official Shag Jetty where Blake has commandeered the QEII to come pick her up.

So shiny too!

They set a course for adventure, their minds on a new romance, and the producers attempt to speed up the onslaught of seasickness by feeding them seafood and wine in the sun.

In the time-honoured tradition of bros pretending the myth of skinny, hot chicks who eat like blokes is a real thing, Blake admires Louise's ability to actually consume food, as if eating a bit of lobster with a glass of sauvignon blanc is really fucking remarkable.

"I love a girl who loves her food, she's not trying to win friends with salad," he guffaws.

"Wait, THIS is food? What's that invisible shit I've been eating back at the mansion?"

Back at Shag Mansion Chantal is explaining to Sam, using scientific evidence, why Louise will be single forever.

"We all know that guys don't like red lipstick because it's a danger zone and yuck, no one wants red lipstick all over their face, and it doesn't come off for days, it can stain," she says.

Girl, if your man ends up with lipstick "all over his face", you're doing it wrong.

Also: watch out for that hand, it's coming for you.

Meanwhile on the Love Boat, Blake and Louise have waited the requisite two hours after eating to take their clothes off and show us their bodies a dip in the harbour. Because that sounds like heaps more fun than just lying around on the yacht drinking wine.

As it turns out "a dip" is literally what it ends up being - they get undressed, jump in the water and get back out again. There is no conversation. Louise smiles. Blake guffaws. The producers wonder if anyone would notice if they finished off the wine. I wonder if the captain could just sail away and leave them there, so we can all get on with our lives.

Back at Shag Mansion the women are gathering around to read the group date card, which Osher got a courier to deliver because he clearly can't be arsed anymore.

Clearly neither can the producers, because all the card says is "cocktails and dreams", with no names.

We leave them all to ponder the significance of this important missive and head back to the yacht where the producers have really outdone themselves with set dressing, placing three Reject Shop candles on the bow. Because that sounds like a suitable place to put candles - on the windiest part of the boat. In the day time.

SPECTACULAR.

Blake pours Louise a glass of champagne and begins wooing her by talking about how he wants children. Again.

Is anyone still wondering why Blake is still single?

Amazingly she doesn't roll her eyes or yawn or (my choice) skoll the entire bottle of champagne while singing "Show Me The Way To Go Home". Instead she gives the right answer, he gives her a rose, then they suck face.

And so:

It's probably about time for Zovirax to start considering some corporate sponsorship.

After dousing herself in hand sanitiser Louise returns to the Shag Mansion where she regales everyone with tales of romance on the high seas.

Everyone is super thrilled for her.

Everyone listens intently, except for Kara who can't hear because her ears are still ringing from using her make-up gun earlier.

Yep.

Flash forward and it's time for cocktails and dreams, whatever that is.

Hopefully not this.

Suddenly a blob of hair from the upstairs shower slinks into the room and grabs Blake, dragging him outside. (HINT: It's just Osher Gunsberg.)

"Osher does not normally walk into our cocktail party, so we knew something was up immediately," says Chantal, before adding "Is he actually still even on this show?"

Something is indeed up, and it's arriving in a succession of limos much like it did in episode one. That's right, MORE WOMEN ARE ARRIVING.

My reaction to this news.

Yes, in an effort to spice up the series the producers have pulled their list of failed auditionees out of the bin, found the ones marked "TOO CRAZY", "NOT HOT ENOUGH" and "LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE THE OTHER ONE" and called them up to see if they're still keen on ruining their lives on national television. They are.

First cab off the rank is Mary, a 27-year-old acting student who also moonlights as stunt double for Sesame Street's The Count.

"SIX! SIX new women are going to ruin this show! Ah ah ah ah!"

Next is Rachel, a 27-year-old medical sales rep who also moonlights as stunt double for past Bachelorette Holly.

Dressing them almost exactly the same was totally accidental.

Then comes Anastasia, Tahnee and someone who describes themselves as a "25-year-old fashion blogger from Bondi" so I think it's probably safe to ignore her completely.

I can't wait to meet her sisters, Boolevarde and Avanew.

Then there's 27-year-old dance teacher Lauren who, despite turning up in a bridal gown, is quite obviously the coolest woman yet to appear on this show and will definitely win.

I'M CALLING IT, PEOPLE.

Inside, the Original Women (the OWs) are really enjoying meeting their new housemates.

"Maple syrup ice hockey deet deet Mike Myers bacon bacon bacon."

Kara immediately forms a welcoming committee to make their new friends feel at home, shouting "THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE! THEY HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE IN FOR!"

The struggle is real.

She does slightly better than Laurina though, who asks all the new women to "tell us about your entrance".

"Er, I don't think I know you well enough for that."

The others deal with the new arrangement really well, with Sam crying "I JUST WANT TO PACK MY SUITCASE AND GO HOME TO MY FAMILY," and Laurina weeping "MY TRUST HAS BEEN BROKEN, AND I'M OFFENDED," because both of them still think Blake has anything to do with what happens on this show.

"I feel depreciated as a human being. My stock is up here - my stock doesn't go down," says Amber, who apparently resorts to accounting jargon in times of stress.

"Unlike fickle love, numbers are a constant. Except for the ones that are variable."

Sensing her pain (and also because she was told to by the producers) Aley the Bondi fashion blogger tries to comfort Amber by saying some words at her.

"The right thing will happen. He'll land up with someone beautiful. I just want to hug you but you probably don't even want to look at me!" she says, while spitting out the icy cold chunk of butter she's been holding in her mouth for the last hour.

Amber reacts positively to this approach.

While Amber runs off to her room to cry into her limited edition Ryan Gosling pillow, Blake attempts to comfort Sam who is also upset about something for some reason. I can't keep track any more, because literally EVERYONE is crying. Maybe they did put something in the champagne?

"LIFE IS VERY CHALLENGING, AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH A LOT OF OBSTACLES AND IF WE CAN'T TALK THROUGH THINGS NOW THEN WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT OUR FUTURE?" moans Blake, who starts crying tears of blood as the walls burst into flames and everyone collapses to the floor, writhing and wailing.

Just a reminder: this is all because six new women have arrived.

"Is it too late to back out?"

Blake and Sam finally go off for a chat and it's entirely unremarkable except for the part when she declares: "I thought we were getting to the serious end of the stick".

"Is that innuendo? Is she still upset? What am I supposed to do?"

Blake moves on to newcomer Mary and tries his patented chat-up line: "so, do you want children?", to which she responds in the appropriate way: by laughing in his face and saying "Settle down!"

I love Mary.

"Sure I want kids, are there any here? I'm starving!"

Scared shitless, he moves on to Aley the Bondi fashion blogger, aka Ja'mie King from Summer Heights High in 10 years.

"OMG ILY!"

Meanwhile, inside things are still going to hell.

"This is an absolute embarrassment and this is just a joke, and I will gladly walk out, I have too much dignity and too much pride," spits Amber, who is currently having a teary tantrum on national television.

Funny, I thought it was Americans who didn't understand irony.

With tensions still running high, Laurina the peacemaker decides on a new policy for the house.

"I think segregation between us and them is a good idea, we'll put them all in one room and we'll give them their own bathroom," she announces.

"If they're going to infiltrate our home then they better watch out because it's not going to be a very nice place for them to live."

Meanwhile I seem to remember that "segregation" idea has been tried before, with mixed results.

Finally, after the longest cocktail party in history at which no one got drunk (seriously, how does this keep happening? Are they drinking apple juice?), IT'S ROSE TIME. THANK FUCK.

Zoe gets a rose, Alana gets a rose, newcomer Rachel aka The Ghost of Holly the Netballer gets a rose, and then it's Amber's turn.

"Amber, will you accept this rose?" asks Blake, except no one can hear him over the portentous music that accompanies Amber as she goes "YEAH, NAH" and shoves the rose back into his face before staking out.

Best. Rose ceremony. Ever.

Blake follows her into the garden. She tells him she's not the kind of girl who waits around. I mean, she might be the kind of girl who goes on a TV show to date one man along with 24 other women, but she does NOT like to be kept waiting. He opens the note the producer has just handed to him, reads it and tells Amber he thinks she's great TV incredible and wants her to stay. They both go back inside.

Then Mary gets a rose, so I don't really care what happens after that, but in the interests of recording history: it comes down to three. There's Aley the fashion blogger from Summer Heights High, Tahnee the one no one cares about at all and Kara, who has been here for eight weeks but who is obviously so boring she has managed to be outshone by two women Blake has known for about 20 minutes.

In the end Blake goes with the devil he knows and boots the two newbies, handing Kara the final rose. They're really upset.