Monday, February 04, 2008

My Fellow Americans

Hi, it's Dolores.

Laura Bush was saying to me the other day, isn't ambition a fickle thing? One minute you're all comfy in your boudoir, leafing through the Vogue summer preview and considering whether it would make sense to move the chaise longue a little closer to the liquor cabinet; and the next minute you're tits up on the shag carpet wondering what life's about and why you feel so unfulfilled.

Cupcakes: I, too, have had such a moment, though unlike dear Laura I did manage to keep both myself and my cosmo off the rug. I was going through my morning e-mails about a month ago and read:

Dear Dolores,

Hi! Such a fan here. I work at a rehabilitation center for wayward girls in Wheatgrass Depot, Oregon and not a day goes by that your name doesn't come up in conversation at least twice!

Anywhoo, not to get too personal but I was wondering, how do you manage it all? I come home from an eight-hour day and all I want to do is drop into a chair with a big old Fiesta Platter from the Taco Bell and watch "Ugly Betty" reruns. You have your writing, your music, your celebrity lifestyle and your duty to the public as a fashion icon. Does the pressure to be the best ever get to you?

Respectfully,Mitzie

Now, I must get at least a dozen questions like that every day. But until this one, I always sent a form response explaining that like a tender South American orchid growing on a rugged cliff, I gotta bloom or perish. It's the reason I left the farm where I was born. I didn't want to wind up like my mother, who wrote "Today I ate some grass" on every page of her diary until the day she died.

When I read Mitzie's message, well, the veil dropped from my eyes. I've lived, yeah. Songs? Sung. Books? Written. Parties? And how. And yet...and yet...it's not enough. But when you've done it all and are still shockingly youthful, what are you gonna do next?

I don't mind telling you I was on the verge of weeping a little weep like Alexander, because there were no more worlds to conquer. And then a voice in my head thundered, "Dolores! Now is the time for all good sheep to come to the aid of the country."

And I thought, how true.

So what if I've always been an artist? Many artists have evolved into inspiring political leaders. Think of Ignaz Paderewski, Vaclav Havel, Fred Grandy, Sonny Bono. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can stand on a lofty peak, why shouldn't I reach the summit? And as my Great-Aunt Wilma used to say, if the world's going to go to Hell in a handbasket you might as well try to grab the handle.

Today, therefore, I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America, as representative of the newly-formed Fibertarians party.

We are a small but powerful fledgling coalition. According to exploratory canvassing our power base is extremely diverse, witness the chart below.

Talk about strange bedfellows. Of course, all are welcome in this tent.* We only ask an allegiance to party principles, which are as follows:

Unlike the other candidates, I readily admit that I'm in this for the bling. Free travel by private jet, a huge expense account, my own office, and a posse of humpy bodyguards in suits and dark glasses? Betcherass. So just tell me what you want, and I'll want that, too.

Let's get the ball of yarn rolling with a few suggestions collected by my press secretary, Harry.

Elizabeth Zimmermann's birthday will be declared a national holiday.

All fiber-related purchases will be fully tax-deductible.

Knitting will become a mandatory subject in American public schools.

Government subsidies for the establishment of independent yarn shops in high-need areas.

It's your country, kids. I just plan to run it.

*You don't even have to live in America or be American. After a stay in the White House, I'm thinking world domination might be a freakin' hoot.

As a life long "Independent" because I'm with Will Rogers when he said, 'I don't want to join any party who will have me as a member.' I may have to break my mold and sign up as a card carrying Fibertarian.

Now -- Dolores, you are aware that you will be forced to prove your age (gasp) and produce an income statement, correct?

May I offer up my services to do just about anything that brings me closer to hotty secret service men?

Obama was such a good sport to hold my knitting for a picture, but I'm jumping ship. Dolores Baby you're getting my vote. Ya know, we got that look alike thing going on, just think, come Jan 20 2009 I could be the Presidential body double...WOW

Oh Franklin,.... er Delores! Thank you so much for bringing light to the election!I'm writing you in today! (we have our primaries today, but I'm sure our slow witted ballot preparers omitted your name.)Meanwhile, I neeeeeed a t-shirt. I'd totally wear a Fibertarian Party tee shirt! I wish I had one to wear to the polls today!

You know what is fortunate about this entry? Last night some of the other nurses and I were trying to figure out which presidential choice would be the lesser of two evils (when we would have it narrowed down to two evils) Now? It's a shoe -in. Or perhaps I should say hoof-in? You have my vote and I'm certain that once I run off this amazing Dolores mini poster and splash it all over the hospital walls, the rest of the staff will agree. Let me know if you need a campaign mgr in central KY!

cruel you are... I'm drinking a much needed cup of java when i decided to check in on one of my favorite knitters. Once again I will have to avoid the nice guys in IT because i've baptised my keyboard with double strong, double sweet coffee... again. Fortunately, my best friend can order supplies, and I can get enough keyboard cleaner, again, to keep my keys from sticking...That said - where do i send my party donation?!!?

I like it when you talk from Dolores' point of view. I am afraid I am not old enough (I'm 10) to tell you about political opinions, though I like all those rules about knitting. I bet my mom likes them too.

I can tell you, right now I am prouder than usual to be an Oregonian. All hail Wheatgrass Depot, a fine community, no doubt, though somewhat obscure when it comes to tracking it down. (I could swear Dad had found every ghost town in Oregon on our vacations...) You've got my vote, Dolores! And I'd like to get my request in early for some humpy bodyguards of my own. You just can't find really cheap gigolos any more.

(Although, sweets? The "Fibertarian Party Boxer Shorts"? Those were a tad scary, until I realized it meant political party.)

Okay, so when can we get the pic of Dolores 2008 "Let Freedom Bleat" on a t-shirt? Blog buttons are nice and all, but there are some fiber artists who are simply too busy spinning or weaving or knitting to spend much time in the blogosphere. It's important to reach them, too! (I'm first in line for the swag . . . )

"Fledgling" coalition? I prefer to think of us (but of course I am adding myself to the ranks) as a shearling coalition.

My additions to your excellent platform:- Running for public office under the name of a sheep breed will not be permitted unless the candidate can show ovine descent. Violation will be punishable by exile to New Zealand.- Expenses related to the maintenance and upkeep of the portion of one's dwelling used to store fiber-related items will be tax deductible.

I'll vote for you Dolores, as soon as you add weavers to your constituency. I spin to weave. I'm a lousy knitter. Don't tell. I do love you though. Fiber persons managing the White House lawn? The White House? The World? Yippee!

Franklin - Can you please add "Fibertarian" text to the sheep image? Ideally in a black long-sleeved women's shirt. *grin* I've already got a Delores 2008 shirt in the cart. This really helps ease the pain of losing John Edwards.:)

"Baaaaaarack for VP" - oy vey, Tracy. President Dolores, may I recommend Soba for your running mate? She'd add just the right elegance (check with Crazy Aunt Purl, though...) I'm campaigning on my blog too -- and if I can get my printer to work I am SO plastering you all over my car, my rolling knitty thingie -- everything I can think of! Fibertarians Unite! And we're just past St Blaise's Day (Feb 3) -he's the patron of woolworkers!

Will the Fibertarian Party be having a Caucus? Possibly in Chicago? I'd have it in my living room, but I fear it isn't big enough for everyone who want to come. We could hold the Party Caucus and a Night of 1000 Knitters Shoot at the same time.

Would Franklin be the First Man? Just like Bill Clinton, I cannot imagine him in the White House with nothing to do.

You go Girl! It's about time someone was in office that was honest. My only other suggestion is that each town must have so many yarn stores per 1,000 people. Bad yarn store owners will become part of the FBI's most wanted list!

::whispering:: I am (seriously) running -- unopposed -- for a seat on my county board in rural n.w. Wisconsin. Would Dolores consider endorsing me? I would be honored, and it would ensure that any sheep farmers in my district (exactly zero, but who's counting?) would support me, too. In return I would totally throw my support behind Dolores.

"You got a better idea" indeed. I hate 'em all with a passion, so you have my vote. I also have a fairly sexy phone voice so I'm great at getting people to donate money to worthy causes. Just in case you need people to drum up additional financial support.

Ok! I'm there, too! Dolores, you're a candidate I can definitely support. I'll be glad to handle a phone (do it all day anyway, at my job, between knitting stitches!) and want to put up placards all over the area! Any chance of a campaign stop here in Tucson? Barak sent his wife, and Hillary brought her husband. I didn't go to either, but I'd go to yours!!

Dolores: You have my vote! and today I'm plumb out of better ideas so I'll take yours. and I'm ownin' up to the fact that while I may stray over the line occasionally into dealin' likker--any extra cash is yours.

BLEAT! BLEAT!I'm voting for you, Dolo! Just put me in the piece of the pie chart between Uppity Women and Sluts. You could categorize us separately as "Uppity Sluts" Or, if you want to simplify things " Uppity Fiber Sluts". That pretty much includes EVERYONE!

In your pie chart, you need to add a few determined Welsh corgis who have discovered your site, thanks to their knitting moms. Then, again, maybe you did have them, but they ate their portion of the pie, being greedy pigs.

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