The guy with the funniest name this side of Jarrod Saltalamacchia also has the hottest ass of any second baseman in the league. Frankly, I was shocked to find that not one, but TWO Royals made the list. Goes to show that in baseball you never know where the hottest assets can be found, so a trip to the ballpark will always be worth it.

#4: Joe MauerMinnesota Twins, C

If the Oakland A’s are the hottest roster in baseball, the catcher’s position is the Oakland A’s on the sweet asses scale of the baseball diamond. The position is LOADED with outstanding assets, and the competition for #1 is fierce. But Chairman Mauer takes it in a walk. He just keeps getting taller (6’5″ and pushing 6’6″), which does beautiful things for the view from behind. They grow ‘em beautiful up in the Twin Cities.

#3: Scott PodsednikChicago White Sox, LF

When it comes to Scotty PoPo, I am often rendered speechless. Dude is so indescribably hot, I…. I…. see what I mean? Words fail me. His ass is a work of art, y’all. I mean- WHOA. Just… WHOA. Thank you to the great state of Texas, for putting out talent like this into the world, to the Chicago White Sox, for fielding talent like this in LF, and Scotty, for sharing talent like this with us. Now if only he’d quit overworking his groin muscles, we’d get more shots of him like the above.

#2: Huston StreetOakland Athletics, P

Speaking of Texas… hello, Huston. More specifically, hello Huston’s gorgeously perfect ass. It’s like two puppy dogs tumbling around under a blanket, two perfect orbs sculpted out of the finest marble, a gift from the heavens sent down for womankind. When a man’s butt drives me to writing this kind of sappy drivel, it’s gotta be something special. That’s an ass MADE to be showcased on a baseball diamond. It’s just a shame we don’t get 9 full innings of its glory every day.

* * * * *

And the hottest ass of all, the cream of the crop, the standard by which all other butts in baseball pants are judged- and the proud owner of the first ever Mickey Mantle Award goes to…

#1: Pat BurrellPhiladelphia Phillies, LF

It had to be Pat. There was no other choice. Pat hones his ass to perfection like other major leaguers work on things like “hitting” and “fielding”. His ass is the sun around which everything else in his life revolves, and to which women are drawn like a moth to the flame. Songs have been written in its honor.

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About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

I went to a Dodgers-Giants game in L.A. around 2002, when Mark Grudzielanek was playing for the Dodgers. After the game, me and couple of buddies were at a bar and Grudzielanek and Tom Goodwin walk into the place, each with a blonde California type girl on their arm. The four of them get drinks and start playing shuffleboard, Grudzielanek and his girl against Goodwin and his girl. I’m watching the whole thing and Grudzielanek is a total dork, being loud and drawing attention to himself. Anyway, they hang out for about an hour and as they are leaving Grudzielanek and Goodwin switch girls, and leave the bar with a different girl than the one they came in with.

I’m so pleased with this wonderful information, to think I have been limited to just the Yankees. Thank you for bringing this awareness in to my life. And thanks for the honorable to A-rod, but Jeeter needs some time up there too.

Jaime Moyer also looks pretty good when he’s taking a no-hitter into the 6th. Kendrick’s no slouch either. But any Phillies list should be free of the bullpen in general as punishment for how many hopes and dreams they have crushed.

Cowgal- You don’t know how hard it was for me to even include A-Rod as an honorable mention. Had to fight against the Yankee hate. For an Award named after a Yankee, I should have disclosed my bias.

Steagles- I totally agree! I think he’s a good looking dude. But I must disagree on the bullpen, for the simple fact that whenever the Phils are in town, Sanches goes running through my neighborhood before the games. Shirtless. And sweaty.

Podsednik in the high socks! I feel they only accentuate his ass, which is indeed magnificent.

I enjoy how florid this got. Great baseball asses surely deserve our most romance-novelly prose.

I feel like Pat’s ass must have its own charisma; it seems like there are quite a few good pictures of it out there that have nothing to do with getting a lucky shot while he was playing. The camera loves his ass!

I got to see Nolan pitch back in ’91 or ’92. Unfortunately I was probably a 3rd grader and don’t remember much about it except we had good seats and he looked intimidating as hell because we were so close. Him beating the shit out of Robin Ventura is still one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

i came across your blog on day and i fell in love with it! i love baseball and i love reading about the players. i am a huge phillies fan and i have season tickets in left field and i think its soo funny that pat burrell got the award for best ass!