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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

It’s surreal to me that this is
my 4th In Review post. Looking back at 2013, I feel as though I’ve
come so far this year. In 2012 I felt I’d gained my confidence yet, in the end,
I didn’t have the confidence to be honest about how things were at the end of
last year.

This year, I promise to be honest…Life
with Elena has been extremely fun…& extremely frustrating!! What is it with
Elena & this time of year? It’s not lost on me that Elena started acting
crazy about the same time last year as she has this year. Is it some weird Seasonal
Affective Disorder…who knows but the girl is certainly expressing her independence
& opinions! I’m pretty good dealing with her…but man, it drives me crazy
when she doesn’t listen to me! Elena is beyond her years in developing the
talent of selective hearing that usually doesn’t appear until adolescence! For
the most part though, if I can keep my patience in check, we get by just fine.

One of the biggest issues we had
last year was her sleep & how she would fight bedtime. As I learned, sleep
with a toddler is always evolving. We went a good long time with easy, peaceful
bedtimes…then just in the last month or so, she starts all these games &
silliness at bedtime…until finally, one night I’d had enough, I didn’t want to
yell & scream & fight with her but I wasn’t going to stay while she
futzed around…so I told her enough, to stay in bed & go to sleep & I
walked out…I went back in a few minutes later, feeling guilty for leaving her
& she was fast asleep. This happened a couple more times before it dawned
on me, she fights bedtime because bedtime means our time together is over &
more often than not, I won’t be there when she wakes up. She is so tired &
needs her sleep but doesn’t want to give in…but if I say good night &
leave, she’s asleep in minutes!!

Behaviour is still a big issue…we’ve
started making good use of time outs…I’m not altogether convinced these make
any sort of impact on her…last year, I bought the book, No Cry Discipline
Solution by Elizabeth Pantley…but haven’t read it yet…I’m thinking I need to
make the time now!!

Through all of these things this
year, I have held onto the lessons & advice I got back at the beginning of
this year…accepting that I don’t have to be perfect…believing I am a good mom,
not just despite my mistakes but because of my mistakes. I’ve really
learned that my mistakes make me better…Like I said, I really feel like I’ve
come so far this year. More than that, I feel like I have come into my own. It’s
a really good thing because 2014 is going to be a difficult year. I know that
as any of the previous versions of myself, I would not be able to deal with
& get through what I will have to in 2014. But the person I am now, I am
ready to face it.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Nothing this Christmas has worked out the
way I envisioned it back in October when I first started thinking about it…The
worst part, & where all my negativity stems from, is we have a major family
health crisis come up just a week before Christmas that has sent me into a
tailspin…I’m still reeling. Don’t worry, Elena & I are just fine & in
perfect health…this all concerns a member of my extended family.

She hadn’t been feeling well for
some time but nothing specific. She was deeply exhausted all the time, she was
having odd discomfort in her head, not headaches per se, but an achiness that
made her vision feel off…recently she started experiencing serious vertigo…all
little things that, by themselves, seemed harmless…but hindsight being 20/20
all make so much sense now.

December 17th, after a
long day’s work, she was settling down for the evening when she started to feel
very weird…all of a sudden her mouth & tongue started to twitch & spasm
uncontrollably…she was frightened & called out to her friend who was
staying with her…the friend called 911 & they were thinking maybe she was
having a mini stroke. She was rushed to the hospital, a CAT scan done
immediately then they sent her straight for a chest x-ray. I’m not sure if it
was before or after a Doctor had been in to talk to her, but she had another
episode of twitching & spasms & they were identified as seizures, not a
stroke.

The night of the 17th,
I had been exhausted…for the life of me, I can’t remember why now…but I had
gone to bed with Elena at 7pm…when I woke for work at 4:30am, I got the
messages. I rushed right over to the hospital. I didn’t know what to expect but
was not prepared for what I heard.

She was awake when I arrived,
about 5:30am, she gave me her account of what had happened then she told me
what the Doctor had told her…brain tumor, chest x-ray showing a mass on her
lungs…more tests needed to identify the primary sight & what is on her
lungs…

A biopsy of her liver was done on
the 20th…on the 23rd, while I was with her, she had
another seizure…it was very scary to witness.

The morning of the 24th,
I was getting Elena & I ready as we were planning on visiting her to have
our little Christmas together…she texts
me at 7:45am that she’s just been told that they are taking her to the cancer
hospital in my town for a 9am appointment. That’s the only information we’re
given. I assure her I will meet her there at 9am…my Mom steps up, as usual,
& takes care of Elena plus offers to drive me & drop me off so I don’t
have to find parking…Elena, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why she is
now not allowed to come with me to visit her…how do you explain this type of
thing to a two year old? She cries all the way there while I apologize over
& over again…what else can I do?

We are brought in to a see a
Radiology Oncologist…he looks to be no older than 28, which makes me feel very
old. He is very nice but doesn’t sugar coat anything. He shoots straight &
though it is hard to hear, we appreciate his candidness.

She is full of cancer…there’s a
lot of it…in her lungs, liver & of course the brain tumor. There is no
cure, but they will treat her as she tolerates to keep her with us as long as
they can while maintaining her quality of life. She is too unwell to consider
chemo at this time & since all her symptoms stem from the brain tumor, they’ll
treat that…with radiation, which has its own risks…it will cause the tumor to
swell before it gets better…this could mean more seizures…and…

I am being purposefully vague to
try & protect her identity but she is a family member & I am her next
of kin. Her care falls to me. I am sick at the thought of what she has to face…I
am scared to be the one to have to face it with her. I am scared to think about
any of it…it’s all so overwhelming…

Elena…she is just too young to
understand…but she does understand that I am not here when I should be, that
when I am here, she doesn’t have my full attention while I return emails &
send texts & take phone calls…she’s acting out & it’s killing me that a
lot of what precious time we do have together is spent with me giving her
timeouts & her having tantrums. I am not being the mother I want to be…the
mother she deserves…

I did stay home with her on
Christmas Day & we had our family dinner & I gave her my (mostly)
undivided attention…it was a really good day…a Christmas we’ll remember…but not
for the reasons I had wanted…

Saturday, December 14, 2013

I made a promise a year ago &
I have stayed true to that promise. I think of Olivia very often. I think of
her parents & wonder how they are coping missing their little girl every
day. I think of her little brother & how hard it must be for him to
understand that his sister is gone. I often think of all the families in Newtown.
My thoughts & prayers are with them as they endure this painful
anniversary.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

I have all the same excuses reasons you read about all the time
for not having blogged in a while. My last post (aside from the Crème de laCrème reminder…which you still have time before the December 15th
deadline to submit, BTW) was September 24th…So much has happened
since then…I’ve had plenty to say but never enough time to sit down & coherently
articulate what is on my mind. When I would have time to write, I just couldn’t
organize my thoughts enough or decide on which of the many topics on my mind I
wanted to focus on…& time continued to pass & many things continued to
happen…& the more time that passed, the harder it was to compose a post…Life
has felt so busy…I know by the disarray of my home that spare time has been
minimal. Yet as I sit here, I am at a loss as to what has kept me too busy to
blog…well, that’s not completely true…I know what has kept me from blogging but
none of it is interesting enough to blog about! Instead of trying to play catch
up, I will start fresh right now with a clean slate.

The biggest news lately was our big vacation! Elena & I went to the
Dominican Republic for a week!! We stayed at the Grand Bahia Principe LaRomana…& this trip was 100% better than last year!!!

I feel so very lucky that Elena is such a great traveler! Our flight was
at 5:40am which meant getting Elena out of bed at 4am…thankfully (&
surprisingly) she went to bed extra early the night before without fuss! She
has been obsessed with the dark since the time change & was so excited at
the promise that we would be going on the plane in the dark! She did amazingly on the plane, hardly fussing at all
& even taking a 40 minute nap! I had a whole bag of tricks to keep her busy
plus we had seat back TVs that all kept her entertained during the 4.5 hour
flight.

That's a Walmart toy flyer she studied for a good 45 minutes!!

Aside from a couple hiccups (no air conditioning in our room the 1st
night & Elena falling of the slide & getting a fat lip on the 2nd
day) our vacation was absolute perfection!! I don’t have a single complaint
about the entire trip…Spending 7 days with Elena was an absolute treat! Don’t
get me wrong, Elena had her moments, she is 2.5 after all, but when all you
have to do all day is swim, play on the beach & eat, this leaves little
time for her to tantrum.

Speaking of swimming…Elena swims on
her own now!!! That’s right, at 2.5 she swims! What’s funny is she doesn’t
quite realize that she can swim. She jumps in & swims to me then wants me
to help her swim back to the side!! I have some great video but Blogger won't let me upload it :(

I was also very happy that she’s gotten over her aversion to sand &
we were able to play on the beach this year!! She & I are very good hole
diggers! She even played in the ocean!! Of course she did this on the day I didn’t have my camera with us!! I still
caught some great beach fun!

Lastly, I have to rave about one of the single best purchases I have
ever made! Last spring, I found the “On the Edge Marketing” Folding Wagon
online. It is an awesome alternative to a stroller! Now that Elena likes to
walk as often as ride, this has been fantastic!! There’s plenty of space for
diaper bags, lunch bags & depending on ages/sizes, can fit 2-4 children
comfortably! It folds flat & takes up less space than our collapsible
stroller!! It meets airline standards to be checked at the gate same as a
stroller…& was a dream to have in the airport!! Being able to load all our bags
plus Elena into it while navigating the terminal, security & customs was
awesome!! It also made life at the resort so much easier! We would load it up
every morning with our swim bags, beach toys, snacks…& it made getting a
dawdling toddler from point A to point B so much easier!! There is only 1
drawback…no brakes, so you have to be mindful where you stop. Also be prepared
to be stopped by other parents & grandparents everywhere you go!! We get
stopped at least 2-3 times to be asked where we got it, how much it cost &
a dozen other questions! I don’t mind raving about it though!! Oh, & in
case you were wondering, I have no affiliation with “On the Edge Marketing” or
any seller or dealer for the wagon in any way…it’s just an awesome product I
had to rave about!!

About Me

This is the story of a girl who had the fairy tale dream of meeting a Prince Charming, getting married & having a house full of children. Instead of Mr Right, I met DR. RE & found Mr. Anonymous Sperm Donor...Even though the Once Upon a Time didn't quite work out as expected there's still a Happily Ever After...Follow me along as I navigate life as a Single Mom by Choice (SMC).