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Friday, 29 January 2016

Intermediate Level - Badges, badges, badges! My very own Mom's version of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies.

Intermediate Level - Badges, badges, badges! My very own Mom's version of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies.
29 January 2016

Following on from yesterday's Beginner Level Badges, from my Mom's Society, I present to you with the Intermediate Badge Requirements listed below:

Personal Space Badge– this badge is awarded to mothers at
birth.However, it is a gift that keeps
on giving.Children have no sense of
personal space.Nor boundaries.It is a concept, they simply can’t grasp.Nothing is sacred.Not even the
air you breath.They are particularly
fond of breaching the personal space bubble, when they are sick.And simply dying to give you gastro too.Or on the odd occasion, when they have a
nightmare, and you selflessly invite them into your bed, so that you can
comfort them.Beeeeeg mistake!They will hog your duvet, your pillow and
mattress space too, and you will find yourself, doing a death-defying cling to
the outer ends of the bottom left hand corner of the mattress, for a wee little
bit of sleeping space.Only to find a
foot in your face.One wearing your
sock.Jeez!

I-Forgot-I-Have-A-Test/Oral/Project Badge– this badge is only ever awarded after bedtime.Which is when unparalleled amazing memory
recall from offspring, usually comes into play.Mere hours before the aforementioned test, oral or project.In general, requests of this manner are
hardly ever generic.Rather, they’re extremely type specific, of the “I need Lumo green A3 paper”, variety.Something hard to drum up out of thin air.Like having failed to mention the need to
dutifully record the moon phases for the previous lunar month, complete with
accompanying pictures.You know, sort of
“easy-to-achieve” things.You can simply fabricate….. Why
just a few years ago, my one kid “recorded” the most cloudy moonless nights in living history…

Triangle/Square Badge– this award is given to all those mothers who
have accidently cut their beloved offspring’s lovingly prepared sandwich into triangles,
when it was meant to be cut into squares.However, the reverse is also possible.Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted triangles and you foolishly
presented them with squares.Pffft!

I’ll-Do-It-Myself
Badge– this
award is given to all mothers who have heard this phrase over and over
again.It can be noted that this phrase
is most often uttered by children, who really can’t be doing what they want to be doing, by
themselves.Like peeling their own
orange, with a sharp knife, at the age of three.However it is not merely reserved for
death-defying feats.It is also uttered
most frequently, when the mothers are pressed for time.And they’re in a reeeaaallly big hurry.Like being late for the school run with a kid
in Gr1 (they stress terribly at this age), and your delightful toddler, insists
on first putting their snack box into their school bag for playschool, and
having a lengthy struggle with a stubborn zipper on the offending bag.Then insisting on putting their bag on their
back, on their own, battling to get their arms through the straps.All this in aid of the 12 step journey to the
car.Having reached the car, they then
insist on taking the bag off their back.Battling once more.Then they
insist on climbing into the car, at a snail’s pace.Before struggling with strapping themselves into the safety belt.All of this accompanied by howling from the
Gr1 kid.In hindsight, never leave home
without earmuffs.They come in handy at
the most unexpected times.

Safety Belt Badge– this badge is awarded to all mothers who on a
daily basis, has to utter the time-old-phrase of “please put your safety belt on”.This
despite this being the norm, for every single car trip.Ever taken.Anywhere.No exceptions.Ever.

Toothbrush Badge– this badge is a really trying one and simply
always well deserved.It entails the
mother uttering, “please
brush your teeth” in a
calm and friendly voice.Followed
shortly thereafter, by, “go and
brush your teeth”, and
then, “Your
teeth!”.Lastly followed by, “for the 4th/5th/6th
time, go and brush your teeth right now”.At
this point, it is a given, that the child has still not brushed their
teeth.After a few more “terse” and less friendly instructions, sometimes
accompanied by an increasingly raised voice, the child might eventually
proclaim to have brushed their teeth.You might even hear the sounds of the electric toothbrush in the
distance.But do not be fooled.The wily child, simply puts the toothbrush
on.Without putting toothpaste on it
first.Wetting it.Or even putting it in their mouth.They will try this tactic every single
morning.And most especially at
night.They are slimy little suckers
when it comes to brushing their teeth.

Towel Badge– mothers who spend an inordinate amount of time
picking up or instructing their offspring to pick up their towels, need no
explanation for this award.It speaks
for itself.

Lice Badge– the lice badge is also slightly larger than
the average badge.And is gold
embossed.It entails the long suffering
mother spending hours of her life, combing out nits out of a howling child’s hair.A child who proclaims at 23 second intervals, “you’re pulling my hair”.There
is a reason, that lice combs are used.And not lice brushes.A whack
from a lice comb, does not inflict too much damage.Whereas brush beatings can be rather severe.It really is an in-built safety measure.The reason for the gold embossed badge, is
the fact that lice infestations, are the equivalent of a relay race.Lasting weeks.No sooner have you deloused child one, before
they pass it on to kid 2.Just when kid
2 is lice-free, kid 3 is infected.And
kid 1 starts complaining of itching once more.Lice badge moms are known to be overly fond of alcohol.

Communicable Disease Badge– the Communicable Disease Badge is not an easy
achievement.And is usually achieved
after Chickenpox.Once more, Chickenpox,
is not so much a disease, at it is a relay race.The itchy baton being passed from one kid
onto the next.If you have 3 kids, you
can find yourself housebound for 5 weeks.With miserable kids.Spotty miserable
kids.Who can’t refrain from scratching.The benefit of most anti-itching oral
medicines, is the high alcohol content.There comes a point, when the kids are too zonked to scratch.Use this time to sleep.

Walking Tissue Badge– this badge, goes to every single mom who has
ever used her t-shirt, dress, jersey, sweater, scarf or pants to wipe a child’s nose.On
rare occasions, she can even be known to sacrifice a sock, or her handbag
lining.At a push, a till slip from
Checkers has also done the trick.

Cartoon Badge– this badge is awarded to moms who have lost a
certain range of hearing, due to squeaky cartoon voices.The decibel range is forever more
scarred.Upon hearing just a few seconds
of the Barney song, or the voice of Phinneus, or Hannah Montana, these moms can
be found in the corners of rooms.In a
foetal position, rocking themselves, mumbling, “make it stop”, over and over again.They have also been known to make bizarre
looking Voodoo dolls, resembling Hannah Montana and Barbie.Occasionally even Spiderman and Superman.

Learner License Badge– I don’t really feel that I need to expand much on this
one.Suffice it to say, that you as the
mother, are a blithering idiot.Knowing
very little about driving and road safety.Which is surprising, I suppose.Given the fact that most moms of Learner Licence kids, have been driving
for 20 years or more.But fear not.Your Learner Licence driver knows
everything!Can drive anything.And the fact that they occasionally nip the
side walk or stall the car, is merely a means of keeping you on the edge of
your seat and ensuring that your knuckle defying clutch on the sides of your
seat, is not released.It can be noted
that mothers of Learner Licence kids, all of a sudden find themselves, with
offspring who have developed extra sensory hearing.At the merest tinkle of car keys, they come
racing down the passage, with a request to drive you somewhere.These mothers are known to go into stealth
mode on occasion, to avoid just such an experience.Using extreme caution to remove the car keys
from the hook at the kitchen door, occasionally going into fictitious bouts of
coughing, to mask the sound of jingling keys.Learner Licence kids are also fond of the element of dodging the
law.Requests for driving are often
uttered, when they don’t
actually have their Learner Licence on their person.Because, “the police will never pull us over, no one will
ever know”, and my
personal favourite, “I know
how to drive, I won’t have
an accident”.Learner Licence moms are also overly fond of
alcohol.Occasionally they indulge
intentionally, so that they themselves are over the legal limit, therefore
avoiding the whole teenage driving experience altogether.

Teenage Badge– the Teenage Badge is not only bigger than the
average badge, gold embossed and emblazoned with tassels, it also comes with a
voucher for a rare treat -a set of
earphones and an iPod to muffle out the sounds of teenage whining and demands,
a sleeping eye mask to prevent accidently witnessing uninhibited eye rolling
and a t-shirt, stating, “been
there, done that, wearing the t-shirt right now”.Unless
you have actually parented a teenager, you have no comprehension of exactly
what this entails.Boundaries will be
crossed.Experimenting will occur.Liquor will be consumed (not only by
you).Cigarettes will be smoked.Hormones will be having a party.There will be boy/girl problems.Teachers will be declared unfair.Homework will be ruled archaic and
senseless.Curfews will be deemed
outdated.No matter how old you are, how
many children you have born, the fact that you have completed school, and
tertiary education, you’ve run a
home, had a few jobs, endured many a hardship, you still would not have it as
bad as them.In addition, despite your
advanced years and life experience, they are sure to know more.About everything.Yip, they’re special like that.A particular favourite of mine, is the slow
way they speak to me on occasion.Enunciating with care.As if I’m the most intellectually challenged person,
every having crossed their path.It’s a miracle I’m bright enough to cook them supper every
night, without burning the house down.

Lunchbox Unpack Badge– this is a badge that you’ll find yourself earning again, and again, and
again.Kids have a latent, inherent
inability to unpack their lunchbox from their school bags at the end of every
day.It might be a physiological design
error.A group of teenage “intellectuals” are investigating this phenomenon right
now.But they’re finding the research a bit lame…

Fussy Eater Badge– aaaaahhh yes!The Fussy Eater Badge.This badge
is mostly reserved for families of multiple children.Where more than one child has a dislike for
some random food substance, for no obvious reason.Like eggs.Please note that said child does not have an allergy.Said child just doesn’t like the thought of eggs.However, eggs in batter is allowed – for treats like pancakes, waffles, flap jacks,
cakes, etc.The Fussy Eater likes to be
picky about something that most other people are not fussed about at all.Vegetables are a common thread.Occasionally, the fussy eater, picks a colour
of vegetable they distrust.For no
obvious reason.For example.All of my kids are absolutely crazy about my
Spaghetti Bolognaise.Particularly, when
they don’t have
the bolognaise bit with their spaghetti.And they actually only have the plain cooked spaghetti on its own.Some even like to forego the whole
cooking-the-pasta-ritual.And like to
eat their pasta raw.It makes for very
crunchy meal times.#wishiwasjoking

Acceleration Reflex Badge– this badge is awarded to the moms with the
most amount of self-restraint ever.The
Acceleration Reflex Badge is only ever awarded to mothers of teenagers.It happens in that exact moment, when you’ve spent a bit of time with your “all-knowing and wise” teen in the car, and you drop them off
somewhere.And as they get out of the
car, and they walk in front of you, you have to clamp down on the urge to
accelerate.And flatten them.Acceleration Reflex Badge moms often have
white knuckles and clenched teeth.

Chore Badge– the Chore Badge is awarded to those moms who
have braved the wrath of their children.By daring to give them humiliating and demeaning tasks.Like making their beds.Unpacking the dishwasher. And setting the table.These are clearly an evil manner of
mother.Respect!

Extra-mural Badge– this badge is awarded to those moms who have
wasted away the best years of their lives, gaining pigmentation next to the
sports field.Watching their kids playing
hockey, tennis, netball and rugby. Mostly with mediocre skills. They’ve done swimming lessons and karate.Art, modern dancing and ballet.There have been instruments – string, wind and percussion.There has been choir and Playball.The list goes on and on.And on and on. These moms have done it all.Albeit from the side lines.They actually deserve medals, one and all.

Make-over Badge– this badge is mainly awarded to the mothers of
girls.For bravely enduring the worst
manicures in history.The clown-like
make-up applications and theeyeball
watering, scalp and hair pulling endured, during the routine offers from their
daughters to do their hair.Brave
mothers have endured this all.Even
worse, they’ve
professed to love the results.

Are-You-Wearing-That Badge– the badge goes to the moms of teens.Babies don’t care what you wear.They’re not discerning about what style of clothes
they ruin and stain for you.Toddlers
and young children are not too fussed either.However, the second one of your children develops hormones, they become
the fashion police.It.Does.Not.Matter.What.You.Wear…..You.Will.Get.It.Wrong.Guaranteed.It’s too long or too short.Too bright or too dull.It’s got too many pockets.Or not enough pockets.The golden rule is this – wear it anyway.Because history will prove, in 10 short
years, when they look back upon the pics taken on this very day…..That.They.Were.Wrong.Because who actually looks like an idiot?Undies are called just that – undies.It implies that the garment is meant to be worn UNDERNEATH
something.To name but one example.We’ve all lived to regret our teenage dressing
disasters.Why, personally I can attest
to the bubble skirt fiasco.The
yellow/purple combo at all times.The
hair bubble too.So here’s my suggestion – simply bide your time.Take pics of what they’re
wearing this very minute.It’s a bit of a long game, but fear not – you will be victorious!

Art Work Badge– this badge is particularly applicable to
mothers of playschool and preschool children.Rule of thumb – never
presume to know or understand what the artwork is.It might look like a sweet little painting of
a dog.But chances are, it’s a turtle.Or a frog.Possibly even a
car.The first time they come home with
a box construction, it’s all
rather sweet.Until you realise that
box-construction-day is every Thursday.And you are never allowed to throw anything away.EVER!Any given “masterpiece” can consist out of an empty 17kg box of corn
flakes, a Berocca tube, a tissue box, a rusk box, a toilet roll inner, a box
that formerly contained batteries, and a shoebox.All miraculously glued together with 3l of
cold glue.Which is never quite
dry.So it gloops down all over your car.And have I mentioned yet that it’s covered in glitter?Red if you please.In addition, brace yourself – there is a whole subdivision dedicated to loo
roll creations.At Easter time, they’re turned into cutesie little bunnies.At Xmas they become Santa.At Valentine’s Day they become picture frame holders and at …..And
so the list goes on.And don’t even let me get started on the dry noodle
creations.You have but nooooo
idea.Unless you’re an Art Work Badge mom.In which case you’ll get it.And only too well.So here’s my advice.Deconstruct the box-construction creations, piece by piece.And smuggle the bits out of your house.Weekly.In small deposits, in the big black bin, on bin collection day.Shortly before collection.This all done, lest the child becomes
suspicious of your activities and they decide to investigate the bin.Hell hath no fury, like a child whose artwork
has been violated…If you are ever caught out, desecrating
artwork, my advice is this –
LIE!Save yourself and blame the father…

Lots of food for thought Moms. I am sure that without too much effort, many of you, have already qualified for an enviable amount of badges. Such is our multi-tasking skills. While you've been thinking you've been merely parenting away, day in and day out, with your main goal simply being bedtime when the little cherubs go off to sleep, you have inadvertently already qualified for many a badge.

Tomorrow I will end off with the highest level of badge earning - Level 3 - Experienced/Advanced. Stay tuned for more tomorrow...

Children are not able to teach well with rules, the rules will always be forgotten them. Once the culture after a successful diet, they do not need the aid of memory, it can easily play a role in the natural.____________________________I like: CSGO Skins and Counter Strike Go Sale

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