April Fool's! I Poisoned your Breakfast!

Because we, as human beings, aren’t already pretty awful to one another on the other 364 days of the year - we needed to add a holiday that allows us to scream “April Fool’s! I poisoned your breakfast!” to our loved ones.

I loathe this “holiday.” I don’t like surprises, I take everything personally, and although I’ll laugh it off - I will hold a secret vendetta against you for years. I am just now working through my feelings toward a neighbor who shoved a snowball down my pants in 2001.

My reaction to even the most harmless of April Fool's Day pranks.

So to distract all of you from executing devious pranks against me, I’ve provided you with a list of exceptional April Fool’s Day pranks:

Tie your best friend to a chair. Make them listen to Pitbull songs for 24 hours.

File your grandmother’s taxes under a stolen identity.

Swap every baby in the tri-state area.

Release a hungry mountain lion in the local elementary school.

Disguise yourself as Publisher’s Clearing House. Deliver a giant check to an elderly couple, congratulating them on winning $5,000 every day for life. When you get home, burn the check in your driveway and laugh.

Sneak testosterone into your mom’s coffee for 4-6 months. On April 1, announce to her that the mustache she’s been sprouting on her upper lip is just a prank. Pack your bags and move. You are no longer welcome there.

Happy April Fool’s Day! Do something horrible to someone you love, before it’s too late!