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Friday, 9 September 2011

Seasons Of The Soul

For traditional Pagans, Samhain as I understand it, was the beginning of the end of the old year. It shouldn’t be suprising then that as soon as the first morning of September dawns not only does the air smell and feel different but something clicks inside me; processes of reflection begin, life becomes a mirror and naturally I start re-evaluating things much more than usual.

Up and until this, my 29th year Earthside, I've found this irksome, untimely and quite frankly an intrusion thinking it would be better placed around December 31st, but you know what; despite trying my best I've never been able to sit down at the December/January changing of the guard to make resolutions and reflect, always felt a little awkward. It always wants to happen in September - month of beauty and colour. So this year I'm leaning into it rather than resisiting with all my might, because I believe something very ancient and celtic dwelling deep within is trying to awaken me further to old and natural rhythms. Rhythms which have been supressed by society for many years but can now manifest within our family and with any luck my children will grow up with them being second nature and not feeling the push and pull of social norms versus old intrinsic ways.

Things are coming to a head, it is begun, the planets aligned (well I know Pluto is retrograde and big change always seems to come as planets double back on themselves, last year it was Mars that had a lot to answer for!) I am prepared and bracing myself for what I hope will be the biggest period of self improvement I've ever embarked on.

In this space on this blog I'm recording the happiness that we have in our lives, but it would be dishonest if I pretended it is always like this. My darling children - I hope you never remember my volatile unsettled deeply troubled ways. I hope even if you do remember, vaguely or otherwise, that I can also give you reason to remember a zeplin effort at turning things around.

I have been granted some space - headspace, breathing space, a pause in routine and and a break from obligations to address long overdue issues. I hear life begins at 30, well that gives me roughly 4 months to make some good headway for all our sakes.

I could run through popular cliches and write dark angsty poetry to torture myself with over and over (and I have) but I feel this time ~ now ~ could be used more wisely, more positively. I think inevitably there are going to be dark moments, dark prose that needs to be penned but I know well the demons of my past and I need not pay them any attention anymore.

So I address my soul: What is it that you need? Comfort and nourishment comes the immediate reply.

So basic, but often hard to find time for. I felt many uncomfortable feelings yesterday after speaking to my GP; numb, empty but oh so full, out of breath, winded, vulnerable, emotionally volatile, unable to eat, exhausted, ashamed and sick. But I felt a relief too, that this dis-ease can end, and I don't have to do it on my own, starting now.

It astonishes me to think this space was born of a flipant comment in an email two days a go and to think I am blessed that I have someone there to reflect things back at me until I see the sense in the madness. More and more I have reason to believe that indeed we are made from the same clay.

I have to chuckle though and maybe it's a good sign that I can still see the humour in life; I can be such a calamity even amidst peace and space - I managed to destroy the computer yesterday morning as I sat down to write, with help from the cat I might add, then I managed to set my hair on fire as I relaxed back into a deep midafternoon bath surrounded by white candles. Only I could manage that!

So somethings won't change but as the seasons of the year inevitably will, so will the seasons of my soul. If I am coming out of a long dark metaphorical winter then I have a glorious spring and summer to look forward to in the coming years.

Over the coming months I will reflect, consider, process and re-member, re-learn and re-create. And once cerebral yarn is untangled I hope I can gather enough inspiration, hopes and confidence to tide me through natures winter, just as i'll be gathering berries for liquer, cordials, syrups and pies!

See - the wheel keeps on turning. I do like this perpetual motion, I find it comforting, rhythmically reassuring – it’s the same every year you could literally set your clock by it and when there’s so much flux in this modern era creating tension and stress, a good natural grounding is helpful.

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I am a nature loving mama blessed with two wee wildlings living in East Anglia, old land of the Iceni, in England.
I am a weaver of words, stitcher of stories and curious of thoughts. I write experientially, when it flows and needed a space to collate these things for myself and for friends. So here we are. Brew up a tea and make sure it’s a big slice of cake you have there before you sit down and read. Enjoy X