Archive for October, 2011

A lot of things have brought me to the inspiration for this post: a few recent comments, a class I’m signed up for next semester, discussion with professors, etc. And I want to know, what do you see when you look at me? What kind of person am I? How would you describe me to someone who didn’t know me? Good and bad, I want to hear it.

I haven’t pulled an all nighter since high school. To be honest, I’m not sure I could do it anymore. I love to sleep and I need more sleep now than I ever remember needing in the past. But tonight, err… this morning?, it’s fast approaching 2am and I’m still wide awake.

I can’t stop thinking about the Chemistry exam I have to take tomorrow morning. I’m wigging out! I feel much more prepared for this one, there are fewer questions, and my grades got some padding from my lab and homework scores, but I really need to do well on this test. On the last one we took, which also happened to be the first one we took, I got a D. I do not get Ds. It just doesn’t happen. I still have a B in the class, but for how long can my homework and lab grades balance out my test scores?

I’m also thinking about all the things I need to remember to take home this weekend and wondering how I’m going to find time to finish that mountain of homework that will be following me there. I need this weekend to be productive, but I also need to detox. I’m wound tighter that anything this semester, and I think I just need to get away from everyone for a few days.

I am a little worried, however, that if I don’t get to sleep soon, I’m not going to be able to stay awake for the drive back to The Hill tomorrow afternoon.

*A wonderful phrase I learned today in The English Novel, a class I’m taking.

This is long overdue, but I’d like to dedicate this status to my best friend, L.A.

For those of you who are new to A Day In The Life, my two best friends in the whole wide world are The Bestie and L.A.

The Bestie has been my best friend, literally, since before I can remember. I think our story would have turned out quite differently if I hadn’t marched up to her mother and asked, “Mrs.—–‘s Mom, can she come to my house tonight for Girl Scouts?” 5 yr old me was way braver than 20 yr old me.The Bestie and I have a very unique friendship. I like to believe that we’re 100% honest with each other, although I know that we each have our secrets and that sometimes we hold back information to protect the other. We are pretty opposite in most things, but we respect each other on a level that I’ve encountered with very few others. We’re also very similar(we’re talking identical twins similar here) in other aspects. We can go weeks without talking to each other(though that rarely happens) and pick up the phone and leave off where we left off. It’s pretty rad.

L.A. and I are a little more complicated. He moved to The Hill our Freshman year of high school. I had only been in the public schools there for about a year when I met him. Our first contact with one another(that I can recall) was when he instant messaged me on AIM(way back in the day) using my friend Flag Girl’s phone. He was apparently the new kid that had just moved into her neighborhood. We talked this way for quite a while before I actually figured out what face went with his screen-name. It turns out that he was that goofy kid sitting at the end of our lunch table that I didn’t know. Lol. I can’t really pin-point the moment we became good friends, let alone best friends. We slowly, over the course of a few years, became fairly inseparable.

We had our rough patches, but when he left for boot camp, I was pretty broken-hearted. I was pretty sure that was the last time I was going to see him. Luckily, his mom is a really wonderful lady. We came into contact with one another via Facebook and she kept me updated on how he was doing. Then he was out of boot camp and I slowly received more and more phone calls and texts. And then he left the military. And he moved to L.A. to be with his mom. And he needed a friend that could be a constant while he went through a great many changes. And somewhere along the line we realized that no matter how different we were and how many things were out of the ordinary about us being friends, there were few others we could talk to about our particular brands of broken.

I’ve never loved him more than I did the night he let me cry as I explained that I was severely depressed and had lost sight of why I kept going. He talked me through a lot of things that night and he told me things he had hidden in high school, things that we now found common ground in. He’s been a great support system for me, especially in the last year.

The last few weeks I’ve felt really broken again. I haven’t been taking care of myself and I’d been off of my medicine. I resented the possibility that I may need to take them the rest of my life in order to not make myself and the people around me miserable. He reminded me that there are people that love me and want what’s best for me and he listened, once again, as I got angry at the world and at myself. Then he told me to get my head on straight and start doing what I needed to do.

*By the Beatles. One of the few songs I actually really like by them. Don’t tell mi padre. Haha!

Things are better. Or getting there anyway. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was pretty ugly, I broke up with the Nerdmate. Luckily, he is a better lover than myself and didn’t really accept that as an option. I did some soul cleansing and some crying and today is going much better.

A huge part of my problem is this: I don’t want to have to rely on meds to be happy for the rest of my life. I hate that that may be what’s necessary to function as a normal human being. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be normal. I got to college and thought that I had found a place where I could be normal, I seemed normal. For a while anyway. I hate being an emotional roller coaster. I’m going to have to learn to live with the meds, I guess, because I can’t keep making myself and the people around me so miserable. That just makes me feel even worse.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Growing up is really freakin’ hard! Trying to grow up as a responsible, functioning, positive member of society is even more difficult. Bear with me, people, there are more mistakes around the corner. Lol.