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Depression & Letting Go Of Negative Thoughts

Writer Bruce Clark teaches us how to turn off negative thoughts.

By Bruce Clark

I’ve been battling the “noonday demon” for more than 20 years, since my first psychiatrist diagnosed me with what he called “retarded depression.” (When I questioned the hurtful adjective, he explained to me that he believed I had suppressed and/or ignored my depression for some time, not that I would do poorly as a contestant on Jeopardy!)

He prescribed medication to increase norepinephrine and dopamine levels in my brain. I’ve been taking it ever since.

I’ve had ups and downs during the past decades, but I assumed that the vagaries in my mental outlook were simply part of having depression. I never expected the pharmaceuticals to have a magic quality and believed that my “downs” naturally went hand in hand with the “ups.”

In retrospect, I can see I became complacent about managing my medication. I had my prescription and assumed it was doing its job. I functioned at what I thought was an acceptable level. I didn’t give it much serious thought until, oddly enough, I heard an episode of the hilarious podcast featuring Ricky Gervais, a British comic.

Gervais and co-host Stephen Merchant (creators of the original BBC series The Office and the HBO series Extras) were discussing the history of medicine and the primitive medical procedure of trepanning: drilling a hole in the skull to cure brain-related ailments, including depression.

Gervais’ foil/sidekick, the unintentionally hysterical Karl Pilkington, asked with childlike naiveté, “Does the brain control the mind or is it the other way around?”

Gervais and Merchant ridiculed Pilkington mercilessly about the seemingly silly quest ion, but I thought there was genius in its simplicity.

Brain study is a relatively new scientific frontier and the medical community has come a long way from drilling holes in the skull. Current pharmacological treatments for depression were developed from the understanding that imbalances in brain chemistry can cause depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses.

To be happy and content depends on healthy brain functioning. Neuroscience tells us that our brain’s physiological processes are an integral facet of our mental outlook. In other words, peace of mind is related to pieces of the mind.

“In retrospect, I can see I became complacent about managing my medication.”

The “Pilkington Paradox” is that the brain controls the mind and yet the mind can, in some ways, control the brain. Thinking about this relationship inspired me to do some serious introspection and take a true measurement of my own psychological well-being.

I thought about my own benchmarks of mental health—sex drive, feelings of sadness, levels of enjoyment—and I had to admit that I wasn’t doing as well as I could be. I consulted my wife for feedback and she observed that over the past six months I’d been more prone to anger and even moodier than usual.

I decided to take action and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I told him that overall I seemed to be doing okay, but admitted that I was contending with a constant feeling of dread. I also described recurring fantasies that saw me inflicting extreme violence on imaginary foes—scenarios I couldn’t consciously stop from playing out in my mind.

My doctor smiled knowingly and told me that there was some pretty good science indicating that low levels of serotonin are related to unwanted obsessive thoughts. He suggested a change in medication.

Like many people with depression, I hadn’t been all that amenable to taking medication in the first place. If I’m being honest, I still don’t like the idea that I depend on antidepressants to maintain “normal” mental health. And because my mental outlook hasn’t been all that consistent since I began medication, I wasn’t sure that a change was going to do much good. Still, I agreed to swap the medication I’d been on for years for a different prescription.

Thankfully, my suspicions were not realized. Quite the opposite: With the new medication, my energy levels have increased and that nagging feeling that a grand piano was about to fall on my head has all but vanished. The violent thoughts have diminished dramatically and my wife tells me she hasn’t seen me this happy in a long time.

In my ideal world, I wouldn’t need any medication to vanquish that noonday demon. But I’m really glad the new meds are helping me enjoy a more robust mental outlook, because I need depression like I need a hole in the head.

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HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?