I care too much. Not always about important things. Sometimes it’s the not so important things like, “Did my text come across as harsh?” “If I quit, will people think I’m lazy?” “If I spend time with these certain people, will it change how people perceive me?”

I want to be strong. I want to be intelligent. Adventurous. Kind.

It’s exhausting. Nauseating even. It gives me migraines, makes me overanalyze how I speak, and invites worry and anxiety into my everyday. I mean, it’s one thing to strive to be a really good person.

It’s another thing to take a microscope to every decision you make. Especially when you start thinking about the dumb things that happen due to sleep deprivation as a new mom. Like slurping your spilled iced coffee through a straw off of your carpet. NO need to pick up a magnifying glass and analyze that stupidity.

So in 2018, it’s priority time. Not “I’m going to eat more vegetables” or “I’m going to read a book a week.” But, for me, although I could use some more leafy greens in my diet, it’s about trusting my gut and doing what’s best for my family, and not apologizing for it.

SO people, I’m giving you fair warning. Hold me accountable. In 2018, I will care about my family more than your feelings. I will care about our precious invaluable time more than making sure I’m a part of every social event. And I am going to pursue my purpose more than pursuing acceptance from others. Good grief. This is not going to be easy. I’m admitting that. And that’s why I’m laying it out here for all of you to read.

In 2018, my friends, I will not apologize for:

1- Saying “no.” Do you know how much my whole being opposes saying no to things? I am a YES person. WITH ALL CAPS. I have “fomo” (I learned this from my hip teenagers. It’s an acronym for “Fear Of Missing Out.”) I have it so bad. If I miss out on going somewhere, there will be inside jokes I won’t know about. Plans will be made without me. I won’t be a part of future plans and then I’LL BE ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE. 0 to 100 in no time at all people. The panic is real. But guess what? My husband is the one I’m living with everyday for the rest of my life. And if we need time, we need time. If I haven’t looked him in the eyes in a few days and asked him what his fears, dreams and worries are, then I need time with him. Our future and calling is important and if that means we have to be more disciplined with our time and trim off some extracurricular activities, then trim trim snip snip it is!

2- Being truthful. This whole caring about everything makes it really hard for me to be conflictive. I’d rather be at peace with everyone and I think I’m really good at doing that. But sometimes it means that I don’t feel like I’m being “true to my own heart”. (I mean is that from a Disney movie or what? That has GOT to be the lyric in something that Troy and Gabriella from High School Musical sang together.) Seriously though. I want to be less afraid of disagreeing with people. Because it’s actually really refreshing to me when someone says to me, “I see your point, I actually think of it this way…” It’s like. Oh! We’re there! You actually feel like you can be honest with me. And I love that I get to be the person on the receiving end of that dialogue. SO, this year, it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap. AND THAT’S FROM THE BROADWAY MUSICAL WICKED. Sorry I’m just full of all the cheesiest lyrics you guys. I mean, NO I’M NOT SORRY. Cause I’m not apologizing for things.

Sheesh. Already struggling.

3- Staying off social media more. Cause, come on you guys. How much more research has to be done before we realize we’re all addicted and it’s terrible? And now my two-year-old is obsessed with looking at pictures of himself, watching Instagram stories of other people’s kids, and knows how to operate youtube better than me. THIS IS NOT OK. When I finally look away from it for a few hours it’s literally depressing to me how often I want to check it. It’s like a freaky fidget I can’t get rid of. I want to stare at my son until it makes him uncomfortable. I want to enjoy him making a funny face without feeling like I have to photograph it. Although I’ll also still be doing that. I just don’t want to feel that need for the “double tap,” ya know? Follow this blog post series by one of my favorite bloggers if you too feel like you could use a social media detox. Or just watch this TED talk called “Why Our Screens Make Us Less Happy”. (The blog post series will lead you there anyways.)

4- Being home. I fought to get out of my house the first two years of Olson’s life. And now I look for excuses to never leave. This Christmas break, so much peace has been restored to my heart and mind, simply because I’ve just made it a point to enjoy being in my home. Making average, but getting better all the time, home-cooked dinners for my family. Actually lighting the candles that I’m addicted to buying. Finding a way to implement meaning into my life that stems from who I’m becoming and not the list of activities I’m doing.

5- Still not sure what this one is, but it feels like I should have at least five of these. OOH! Okay, I will also not be apologizing for how much I love and adore my husband and our little one. Cause I get one life and they’re awesome. And even though Joel’s love language is NOT words of affirmation, and he probably couldn’t care less if I ever tell anyone that he’s awesome, I want to. I’m proud of him. I’m so honored to be his. And I’m so amazed and confused at how I get to be the mommy to my angel boy Olson. Like, I was a terrible child that took three years to grow into my nose. I think I’m still growing into it. But he’s literally perfect. Literally. Except for his haircut, but that’s my fault not his. Eye roll.

What are some resolutions you have? I’d love to hear goals that you and yours have set. I think New Year’s Resolution are so fun. We might not meet them all. But it’s a chance to reanalyze your life in a way that you might not otherwise. And if you don’t meet them?

Don’t apologize.

Just keep trying. Keep moving. Or just keep swimming. In case you needed another Disney reference.

5 thoughts on “In 2018, I am not apologizing”

Love! Resonates with my heart, Alyssa. My identity at this stage of life is a lot less of what I’m DOING and a lot more of WHO I’m being. My New Year’s resolution is to make both my girls laugh at least once every day. ☺️