Pam is weird.
Since weird just seems to attract more weird, her email inbox is always stuffed with the weirdest of the weird. After she deletes the prayers and angels this is what's left.
At some point we knew it would spill out and infect society. We sincerely apologize for spreading the infection to you.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Archery

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little compound bow beginnerkits.

Of course, the first month I went around our place sticking arrows inanything that could get stuck by an arrow.

Did you know that a 1955, 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 roundsbefore it goes down? Tough sucker 'eh.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that Iwas, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused inchainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all overthe place.

Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn'tany fire danger. I'll put it this way - a set of post hole diggers anda 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a largerotten oak stump in our backyard. I look over under the carport and seea shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).

The light bulb went off.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought it would probablyjust spray out in a disappointing manner...lets face it... to a 10 yr.old mouth-breather like myself, "Ether" really doesn't "sound"flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can ofpyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles) to add to theexcitement.

At this point, I set the can of 'Ether" on the stump and opened up thecan of black powder.. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bitaround the "Ether" can but it all sorta dumped out everywhere. Nobiggie...1lb pyrodex and 16oz "Ether" should make a loud pop, kinda likea firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back inthe house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex anddumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nockto my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrowlaunched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see mydad getting out of the truck... OH SH!T! He just got home from work.So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow tothe can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look inhis eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrowpierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through themain pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Sh!t.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if itwas the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerkback from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpseof the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you therewas dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as Icould see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fogfull of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this..."THE DAYLIGHT TURNEDPURPLE"! There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate, going into thepasture.

Notice I said "WAS". That sucker got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with myThundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carporthaving what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback "ECHO BRAVO CHARLIEYOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAM!T CEASE FIRE!!!!!"

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. Allwindows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slowrolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders aredrooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - Iknow I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my ownhead. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would reallymatter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something,felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blackedout, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you getthe idea.

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat mesome more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanksmom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again..Mom had been complaining about that thing for years and dad never didanything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have somesort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating.Or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.. Itsgood discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on inlife. Something they won't learn in school.

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

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