Bin Laden Niece Demands Access to His CIA Pension Plan

New York, NY (APE) – CNN news is reporting, in an exclusive interview, that singer-songwriter Wafa Dufor, the niece of Al Qaeda head Osama Bin Laden is demanding that the CIA grant her access to Bin Laden’s retirement and pension plan with the agency as Bin Laden’s survivor. Dufor insisted that the rumors of Bin Laden’s death had been confirmed and that she now wanted to have the CIA honor its commitments to agency family members in regards to pension, retirement, and death benefits.

Dufor produced documents showing that Bin Laden had early on taken advantage of retirement packages offered by the CIA upon his enlistment as a mujahedin in the 1980s in the efforts against the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. Her calculations indicated that Bin Laden had done well with an aggressive portfolio targeted towards early retirement, which had significantly outperformed most investment firms.

CIA chief, Michael Hayden was interviewed, and commented that the agency was performing a full review of Dufor’s claims. He insisted, however that any disbursement would first be weighed against claims resulting from the ongoing war on terror and the original 9/11 World Trade Center attack. He expressed optimism that the magnitude of the accumulated funds involved might be sufficient to satisfy the interests of all parties, including Dufor.

In possibly related news, in a quiet ceremony this morning, another star was carved into the CIA’s wall of secrecy.

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.