Alexandra Katehakis Ph.D., MFT

Childhood Trauma and Masturbation

For some addicts, masturbation was their first way of self-medicating.

Masturbation is a funny word. It might make you giggle thinking about the first time you got caught by your parents or caught your little brother in the act. It can be a great way to release tension, or a way to stay satisfied when you can’t be with a partner. For most of us, it’s simply a part of life and a component of healthy sexuality.

For others, however, this harmless behavior crosses the line into a compulsive activity that is anything but benign. Some become so dependent on the behavior that they lose hours and hours of their day, unable to leave the house. Others masturbate to the point of injuring themselves.

Choosing masturbation over intimate relationships, the person can become isolated, or end up spending all their time and money on porn to further fuel their compulsive behavior. Still others become addicted to the point where they find themselves unable to control the urge to masturbate in public or otherwise inappropriate places. This is addiction, and it can have just as grave, debilitating consequences as drugs or alcohol.

Often when a child undergoes abuse or trauma (no matter where it may fall on the spectrum of intensity) there are not sufficient outlets for all the rage, despair and grief that results from the betrayal. It is simply too overwhelming. Sometimes there are also explicit or implied rules about keeping silent, leaving the child with no one to turn to for comfort. The child may place the needs of the abuser(s) or dysfunctional family members above his or her own needs, opting not to rock the boat.

These emotions do not go away. Rather, they create an inner turmoil that demands self-medication, and without access to therapy or support, the wounded child may turn to addictive behaviors or substances to control the feelings.

Of course, when you are a child, there is a limit to the ways in which you can self-medicate. Masturbation is one of the most accessible and available forms of numbing out, because you rely only on your own body to produce the intoxicating chemicals that soothe the pain. In that sense, it is a unique kind of high that money can’t buy. For many sex and love addicts, masturbation was their first drug.

In order to recover from compulsive masturbation, working with a trained sex addiction therapist can be indispensable. Learning to identify exactly how and when emotional states get sexualized is an important first step.

Anxiety, fear, jealousy and other primal emotions can immediately trigger the need to pleasure oneself, often so quickly that the addict doesn't have time to make the connection between the stressor and his or her reaction to it. Eventually, however, the person can learn to self-soothe in many different ways, instead of relying on the one overused comfort mechanism. This restores masturbation to its proper place among healthy human behaviors.

What a bunch of nonsense. People have been enjoying masturbation to help counter stress, anxiety and depression for years. Ya, tell us it's "different" for a young person? I don't know of any (otherwise) mentally healthy young person whose life was ruined by excessive masturbation, and let me tell ya, as adolescents, we were some pretty furtive wankers. Please, find something else a bit more substantial and valid to worry about.

Speaking from personal experience, having been sexually abused at a young age, masturbation as young as 7 years old is not normal and caused a lot if issues later on in my life. Being introduced to sexual behaviors so young in my life caused a lot of issues to manifest. So just because you personally haven't experienced or don't know anyone whose life was affected by either abuse or it's long term effects, doesn't mean these issues cease to exist. Yes, MOST people encounter masturbation in life in a normal and healthy manner. But SOME of us weren't as lucky to have that opportunity.

Rich, just bc you don't know any doesn't mean they don't exist. I was a sexually abused child and as such, I was/am a sex addict. W/ therapy and 12 Step work I've become more controlled and ok w/ me. Just saying.

I think we need to distinguish between compulsive and non compulsive. When a boy masturbates until he causes physical harm it is not relaxing. I have known boys who grow into adults and see every woman as an object to masturbate over because they did just that as young boys and adolescents.

Thanks for the article Alexandra. I used masturbation much like you state in your article. I used it to soothe myself. There was much chaos in my home, and I most certainly didn't feel this was something I could talk to Mom or Dad about as a youth.
I talked to my therapist about this and it 's not an option for me. I go right into my old trance and I really shouldn't be doing that if I want to stay sober and recovery.
I heard there are some that can do that, but at this stage of recovery, it is not feasible. Kinda like they say in AA. I'm a pickle, and you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. :)

It's better this way, I have to learn other ways to soothe my self. In fact, right after I click the button, I'm going to practice my breathing exercises and relax and meditate.
Thanks for your writings, they are very helpful to my wife and I.
Regards,
-Peter

I'm married too, I read your comment after searching for this very problem.

I've always used masturbation as a way to numb myself from the trauma of being raised by a highly shaming and abusive narcissistic parent and have been struggling in therapy with a way to be "real", by that I mean not numb and on auto-pilot, and in connection with my self.

It's left me in a fugue kind of state for a lot of my life and I need to figure out how to let go of it, because while it's comforting it's making me emotionally short change myself on the rest of my life and stopping me from working through my issues.

Have you got anything that's worked for you? I like the meditation / relaxation idea but it's hard to stop compulsively doing things and just sit still with myself...

Hi Dan,
Good to hear from you. I have the same problem, it seems my on/off switch is malfunctioning. I always have the feeling that I have to get things done. But in reply to your question I have found therapy to be veryhelpful. Especially someone who is CSAT certified. You can check on www.iitap.com for a therapist in your area.
group therapy was helpful also.
12 step groups.
and I really like Recovery International meetings. Very helpful in staying present.
And Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss have excellent book and blog.
let me know how it goes and good luck to you.
Peter

Earth has come such a long way and yet some still cling to the myths afround masturbation. Masturbation is a very effective tool to soothe other psychological ill defects. If its done in a private fashion it does NOT harm anybody. The intensity of practicing it is dependent on the person's abilities. Similar, the one smokes, eats etc more than the other. I can only speak for males but it is essential that boys learn their bodies to develop a healthy sex life for later life. At all ages masturbation is an appointment with oneself to reconcile your physiological and psychological make-up. The frequency cannot be determined by any other person. Masturbation has its rightful place in an un- or married situation. Preferably its should be done with the presence of your partner so that you can learn each other's requirements.
Over" masturbation------------ the most laughable concept possible. I failed to see ANY scientifically proven statistics on this phenomenon. Any person can just have a certain number of sex or masturbation episodes per day or given time duration. In all cases the number will always be much less than the time period. The watch dogs here are the physical limits and physiological properties.

The issue here is not so much masturbation as dependency on it. Alcohol is legal. It's obviously not killing anyone. But it's abuse, misuse, and dependency on it that are the killers.
In the same way, dependency on masturbation causes issues in people's lives. It becomes their cocaine rush, they're drug of choice in order to escape. I would know. I'm speaking from experience. Listen... Nothing acitivty is harmless if you grow a desperate dependency on it. Or an addiction to it.

You seem relatively new to the idea that a healthy thing can be an unhealthy thing depending on the function of the thing in an unhealthy person's life :)

I have a close personal friend who went to sex addicts anonymous because of his binge masturbating and it said it helped him realize about his self-soothing as an escape from underlying and pervasive negativity and depression. Masturbation can be a "pleasure mask" that you put on to pretend the real face - pain - can't be seen, heard, or felt.
Now obviously, if it's not like that for you, then you may in fact be engaging in healthy masturbation. And if so, claps. Healthy masturbation is healthy masturbation. But let's not pretend like a healthy thing can't become an unhealthy thing depending on it's function.
I use masturbation to feel good. But it has started to occur to me that I use it a bit like alcohol. To escape, to have a good time, to forget about all the bullshit... It doesn't make my life any better, it's only a sweet rush of pleasure chemicals I'm seeking.

There's lots of information online if you want to do serious research. Ben. The extremes of compulsive masturbation can lead to:
1. Public masturbation. Addiction often involves escalation where the addict needs greater "hits" to get high. As a result, masturbation addiction sometimes leads to exhibitionism when the sex addict takes risks to masturbate in public places. I've known one person who couldn't leave the house because he had to masturbate every 30 minutes to relieve his tension, and he didn't want to be arrested on the bus.
2. Bodily harm. Yes, there are compulsive masturbators who break skin and blister because of excessive masturbation -- and still cannot stop despite the pain. In fact, the added stress of pain and bodily harm only makes them want to masturbate more to relieve the stress.
3. Job loss. It's common for compulsive masturbators to wank to porn at night before bed. They'll often tell themselves "10 minutes max" and then suddenly they realize the sun is coming up and they've spent the entire night masturbating to porn. Over time, they lose their jobs because they cannot show up.
4. Relationship loss. When a guy (or woman) would rather spend 3-4 hours masturbating alone each day than 15 minutes with a loved one, it does not bode well for a relationship. This is the most common "issue" caused by masturbation.
The majority of people are not masturbation addicts and enjoy healthy masturbation. This article even says that masturbation can and should be a healthy experience for most people. But don't kid yourself that it's not a problem for certain people.

Sorry, I have to disagree with you. Masturbation is a very private appointment with yourself and therefore as long as it does not affect other people it is a necessary activity. From a biological view it is beneficial to the body, especially the young. Over masturbation, should it occur is a fallacy. Your body will not allow you to over use it', eg you can only run the distance your body will allow ( if its tired, no erection or physical pain from the penis etc. If its at all possible to over masturbate, rather look for other psychological factors forcing you to masturbate and address those.

I think music is a wonderful thing. But if there's a man out there who always escapes into loud, stimulating music every time he's anxious, angry, or fearful, then obviously he's using music as an escape from what he should be really dealing with.

However, we don't really call that music addiction.

So I see where you're coming from

I see both sides here. Your side says it's natural. The other side says it's a problematic addiction that needs to be dealt with for healthier living and in order for true emotional connection to flourish.

Dear, I have heard your "angle" a million times. It is the standard psychology textbook answers. First of all I fail to get info on the frequency of overindulgence. Agree, it may be occur in a minimal number of cases BUT these should be like, "what are the causes" for this odd and not the behavior. There MUST be reasons for this behavior, so treat the ailment and not it's manifestations. I think that self-esteem, poor relations at home etc etc must spark this behavior. If a guy trades his girlfriend for masturbation, their relationship is not sound and she may be don't fulfil his bodily "craving". All men, from very young to very old, married or unmarried masturbate. I actually do not like to classify this as sex and would rather term it as an appointment with himself very often to fulfil a "personal craving" to treat himself in a very private situation doing it the way he wants. Couples should regularly masturbate together according to their own needs. This "should not be classified as sex " but rather personal replenishment.

I can not help but think of a line from either a Veggie Tales Episode or maybe Winnie the Pooh show, but anyway, I will paraphrase the saying for you Ben. It goes something like this.
"Just because everyone is running around with a oven mitt on there heads, doesn't mean you have to".

And aside from that bit a levity, in sports I seem to remember that coaches, especially in boxing, MMA , have their athletes abstain from sex. The reason being mental, not physical. They say or believe it weakens them mentally.
I feel stronger also, but for a variety of reasons. I can rise above "cravings" for sex/release. I can be more present and work on my awareness, especially for me, as this was (masturbation) a way to dodge around what I was really feeling.
I guess some people can do it, but not me, thanks everyone.

It's great that this conversation has come up because this issue came up between me and my therapist at my most recent session a few days ago.

When we spoke about masturbation, she said she had discovered that it was very normal for men to masturbate frequently. So what I was beginning to classify as potentially problematic routine-masturbation aka compulsive, she simply classified as normal male-jerk-off time. She said single men masturbate plenty and that she even knew of a married man who would masturbate daily. So for her masturbation was no issue.
For me, the interesting point of conflict came when she described my recent one-night stands with multiple different partners as "empty"...
I said, "Well it can't be any emptier than masturbation." And I proceeded to speak on my frustration that frequent masturbation alone in a private locked room should be considered less empty than multiple one-nighters with ACTUAL women.
Okay, I know one night stands aren't always the best example of fulfilling sexual and emotional relationships.
But some people will say masturbation is healthier for you. And though I can see the point very clearly, I cannot for the life of me agree with that. Better to be with an actual other person. That's what real sex is. Let's not kid ourselves...masturbation is just a simulation of real sex. It's a mimicry of what we'd like to be doing with another human being.

I forgot what my bottom line point was meant to be, I just wanted to get that out there.

I am so glad that some light went up there. Masturbation is a normal body function, like going to the loo, for all men, especially young boys. It is "sex-like " but certainly not full blown sex. It is a healthy sex stimulant in ANY (even married) situation but can NEVER replace "old fashioned " sex. Look I can only speak from a man's perspective as it is only that I researched. It has numerous pros for "body and soul ". Parents should understand their boys''s masturbation habits and if they decide its too much look for the psychological cause. What is too much? Certainly different numbers for each person. I will classify over-masturbation as a fallacy unless I can be convinced by scientifically collected data of the frequency of men missing work, boys not doing school work and men neglecting their lovers to masturbate ect ect, all reports just make the statement without any backing. Please let us stop boys from feeling guilty by doing a normal "body function". Not that it will ever worry me but perhaps its better for a 13 year old to rather masturbate than to have sex (anal and oral is nothing else than masturbation).Thanks for your very interesting and more than necessary topic

Heh. To be honest Ben, you are having a different idea of what everyone is saying...

You keep on saying things like "it's normal" "it's healthy" "let's not make boys feel guilty"...
We know Ben ;) we know. And we agree.

What me and my fellow commenters are talking about is when masturbation has become a little out of hand. Everyone has a right to wonder if their own masturbation has become too compulsive. A compensation for unmet needs. That's not healthy masturbation, that's sad masturbation.
Get your head out of your ass and realize there's plenty of sad masturbation going on in our world, Ben. By over-stressed, over-lonely, increasingly starved people. Sorry Ben...it's probably not such a rarity. You're trying to fight against the "shaming" of masturbation but nobody here is shaming masturbators, so don't worry, don't fight ;)
This is a different discussion.

This was a great article, thank you ... I am a woman who is currently in recovery for codependent behavior but fear that due to childhood trauma I may have another problem. I am not currently in a SA program. I am just trying to rely on God and learning to wait. It is very difficult, but I've learned so much about myself. I am not in a relationship with a man, I left an unhealthy one 6 years ago. This is a tough topic- not many people want to be honest about. Transparency is key, however, especially when discussing possible sex addiction from over masturbation. I'm not sure if I qualify but this was definitely eye opening. Ben you need to keep an open mind. There are many different people in the world who think differently and live differently. Not one person is alike in any way. Open up your mind dude.

I was a boy who had to be seen and not heard.
I was shut up when I tried to speak . Intimidated by by dads friends. Had zero confidence. This article is bag on target for me I developed the habit of touching myself, not to get a high or anything like that but it seems to take away the fear, albeit briefly. I was bullied at school , I guess because I was timid. I hated myself . I only can talk for me, not anyone else, but had Inhad the confidence to speak up for myself, Amd have an ounce of self worth, the habit would not have developed.

In adulthood when trauma occurs the old habit was used to sooth the situation .I was abused as a teen Not by family I might add, but by school kids just a little older than me. This was traumatic.

it made forming good relationships with girls very difficult indeed. self stimulation was the friend I had but wished I never had met,. Having had therapy for anxiety and PTSD I now know more that I did while I Was growing up. And I understand why I developed the habit.

I'm married now and have 3 of my own sons, who are much more confident that i ever was. For this I am thankful.m

I was four and I was at my babysitter's house when her thirteen-year old son took me to an old barn to molest me. He stripped from the waist down and he took my underwear off. He fondled my genitals and humped me. He told me that I had to do what he wanted or else he would abandon me in the barn and I would never get back. I was put back in the babysitter's care and again the boy dragged me to the woods and stripped down and humped me until he ejaculated. Soon I was taken away from those carers, I believe someone knew what was going on. Luckily I knew what that boy was doing was wrong and did not blame myself. He used fear to accomplish his sick needs. Because I knew it was wrong I did not blame myself or suffer from many ill effects. In fact I started to have a satisfying sex life at a very early age. I must have known or been told to masturbate in private. I believe my masturbation habits kept me from having sex at a early age and possible pregnancy. I did not loose my virginity until well into my twenties when I was engaged to my husband. Learning to masturbate when I was young satisfied my sexual urges and kept me from entering into any relationship that I was not ready or mature enough to handle. So the experience for me was not entirely bad mostly because I knew I was not to blame.

First I would like to say that nothing angers me more than any man forcing anyone to fulfill their sexual urges. But I find it interesting that you sited several positive results to your masturbation. Because I to, as a boy had some sexual trauma. And when older found masturbation to be a benefit.

To share some of my story. In the 5th grade I drugged and tricked into performing sexual acts for several High School girls. This happened several times and escalated each time. It started with them watching me masturbate. They all seemed to enjoy watching me, and some pleasured themselves while viewing me. It grew into oral and anal and vaginal sex. They told me what to do and I did it, they took pictures, laughed, got drunk naked and masturbated themselves. As a 5th grader this was very confusing.

Later I developed a veracious masturbation habit. By Junior High School I was masturbating 2 to 5 times a day. Which is excessive. Thank God a school nurse introduced me to KY Jelly. The reason I say that I found masturbation to be helpful is similar to yours. In that one night at a party a drunk girl said she wanted to sleep with me, but as I tried to enter she changed her mind. This change of mind happened several times. But since I was comfortable with masturbation and quite good at it I was OK with it. I simply straddled her and masturbated with my condom still on. She had never seen such an event, but later thanked me for respecting her, and told me it was good for her to see a man masturbate.

But in the football locker room I was teased for masturbating instead of forcing her. I am still proud of my decisions. As the word of that happened many girls in High School decided that they wanted to loose their virginity to me. One who was abused by High School girls while in elementary school.

Today I still find masturbation and natural unforced sex to be healing. I still at 40+ can ejaculate several times a day. And each time I do in the right frame of mind I find sex and masturbation to be a tender relaxing experience, as opposed to the forced experience in elementary school.

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ive dealt with horror masturbation.. when i was little.. very little.. i seen porn and monster sex.. i was on a girl games site.. some sick fuck allowed a friendly pic to be put as an ad on that kid site.. and i clicked it.. very young.. and was traumatised.. immediately i began crying... silently.. and at the time i was still having an "imaginary friend"... they told me how to overcome that trauma.. to touch pleasurepoints on the body.. transfer that horror into something tollerable.. and that was what became... i became addicted.. and then the trauma got worse and worse.. all for the fucked up transfering of negative energy to sexual energies... yet fear of those horrors in reality still frightened me.. ....ive been trying to understand and stop.. but it is ...i guess still a trauma for me i cant stop playing on.. i need to focus on converting the horror thoughts into actual friendly sexual thoughts... lose the pain and torture.... and gain smiles and love... well sexual smiles and love.. pain and torture for me needs to stop.. so ive been working on trying to think of things in a brighter light... hope it works.. i just need to accept what i seen in the beginning.. let it go.. mayhap it will help the problem stop...

Masturbation can be pretty rough on the penis skin, so make sure you use a penis health creme to protect it. Man1 Man Oil is the one I use... it contains vitamins and nutrients that strengthen and moisturize the skin, which keeps it smooth and healthy. Check this creme out.. it is good stuff.

It's definitely becoming much more frequent in recent times. I've had this addiction problem for many years, but I've noticed a sharp increase on the frequency since this past Autumn and it keeps getting more frequent in 2018.

Since 2010, I've been keeping track of how many times I've climaxed as a result of either masturbating or having certain dreams if you know what I mean. I call these climaxes "Smudges" and the number of times I've done them over the past eight years or so are staggering, to say the least. Here is what I have so far...

You know what the worst part is? It's not just internet porn that gets me to masturbate. Many times, I'm provoked into it due to stressful problems I'm going through. Sometimes, I have those kinds of dreams. And then, there are other times when I feel aroused and feel the need to masturbate and climax. As I said, it's not just porn that does it to me. Know what else arouses me and gives me super strong urges that are impossible to resist?

Simply seeing females wearing ordinary everyday clothes. That's right...when I see females wearing ordinary clothes, something inside my addicted brain turns on and arousal begins. At first, it's not strong enough to push me into masturbation and climaxes. But, overtime, my resistance wears down and the urges become too strong to resist. Then, I act out. How do you think I've accumulated so many "Smudges" since 2010?

And, that's just since 2010. Heaven only knows how many times I've done it before then. My addiction began during the 1990s if that tells you anything. If I accumulate that many climaxes in just over eight years, I must have had more than 3,000 to 4,000 during my lifetime so far.

Here's the kicker that will probably be overlooked. The ONE thing that prevents me from getting these urges is something most people might expect one to get the same urges...nudity. However, I mean nudity outside of porn or sex scenes. Simple, casual, non-sexual nudity is the one thing that keeps my urges down. But, I can't always focus on that since most people would get the wrong idea. So, I have to hide it and go back to my addiction problem. Ironic, isn't it?