Acknowledging the Grief and Loss of the Cancer Journey

by Kathy Allen, LSW, OSW-C

Receiving a diagnosis of cancer
is a life changing experience
for most people. Like Dorothy
during the twister in The Wizard
of Oz, you are tossed and turned, not
knowing where you are going to land.
The whirlwind of doctors, appointments,
tests, information, and decisions
often causes confusion and the feeling
of being overwhelmed. This is especially
disconcerting because, prior to
diagnosis, you were living your day-to-day life never expecting to find
yourself standing on the edge of a
very scary cliff.

There is one aspect of coming to
grips with a diagnosis of cancer and
subsequent treatment that is often
overlooked. That is the cancer journey
involves dealing with a multitude
of losses – losses that need to be
acknowledged and grieved. This
sounds strange to many people since
we most often equate loss and grief
with death. However, when you
step back and look at the cancer journey,
you realize that loss and grief
are part of that storm of emotions
that is churned up.

Loss of a Sense of Well-Being
Many cancer survivors have never
experienced a major illness or are diagnosed
at an age when illness is much
unexpected. This can lead to a feeling
of being betrayed by the body.
Even if you have some experience
with illness, the uncertainty of cancer
creates a loss of a sense of security.

Loss of Self-Image
Many survivors
undergo physical changes during cancer
treatment through surgery, chemotherapy,
and radiation. These changes in the
body do not fit the image that people
have of themselves. It is also a constant
reminder that this major life change
called “cancer” has occurred.

Loss and grief are part of that storm of emotions
that is churned up.

Kathy Allen

Loss of Role
Everyone has many
roles in life: spouse, parent, employee,
professional, friend, neighbor, breadwinner,
just to name a few. Perhaps
you were the
first one to
arrive at work
and the last
one to leave.
Perhaps all of
the kids in the
neighborhood
hung out at
your house.
Now, because
of cancer and
treatment, you can’t keep up those
hours at work. You can’t tolerate
packs of kids at the house or be exposed
to the germs that children
routinely carry. This is often a
painful loss for survivors, even when it
is temporary.

Loss of Expectations of How Life
Should Be
No one includes cancer in
their life plan. People plan for their
families, their career, building a house,
retirement – never a life-threatening
illness. While we all know that bad
stuff happens, we never really expect
it to happen to us. This requires a
major adaptation.

Loss of Control
One of the biggest
issues for many cancer survivors is the
loss of control. A survivor goes from
being in charge of his or her life to
turning his or her life over to essentially
total strangers – the healthcare
team. The consistent uncertainty of the
cancer experience also emphasizes this
loss of control. Just when you think
you know what to expect, it changes.

This is by no means an exhaustive
list of losses that need to be grieved
during cancer treatment. So what do
you do to come to grips with these
varied losses and the grief associated
with this journey?

Foremost, acknowledge your feelings
of loss. They are normal and you
are normal for feeling them. Next, find
a way to express these feelings by sharing
with loved ones or other survivors,
attending a support group, writing in a
journal, praying, or speaking with an
oncology social worker.

Finally, be kind to yourself and cut
yourself some slack. This is no time
to be a perfectionist. Adapting to and
coping with cancer and treatment is a
process. It is not something that occurs
once and then you are “adjusted.” Just
like any other journey, there will be
bumps in the road, detours, hills, valleys,
and flat road. Every day will be
different, and every day you will do
what you need to do to get through.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Kathy Allen has been an
oncology social worker for over 18 years.
She currently works at York Cancer Center
in York, PA, conducting patient navigation,
individual and family counseling, advocacy,
support groups, and educational
programs for cancer survivors and healthcare
professionals on issues of coping
and grief.

This article was published in Coping® with Cancer magazine,
July/August
2011.