Shoutout to the very nice @United agent who spent an hour on the phone with me to bump me to this earlier flight and got me a ticket while it was boarding. Now departing 30m later than the original Air Canada flight, but it was then completely cancelled so I guess that's a win.

my fingernails grew like an inch last night and it finally got to be too much to handle so I spent $2 on nail clippers at the airport and clipped my nails in the airport restroom and this is so much better now ask me anything