Reader Response: I should not have married that man!

Today’s post was received from a reader and she granted me full permission to use it. Please read and learn and if you can, share your advice.

Sometime this week, I shall follow up on a little piece of advice for her ( I will include readers’ comments too). I am no expert (AT ALL) but I read a lot and listen to old folks a lot so I have gathered and will still gather more information that I believe will assist in helping our reader.

I have amended the email a bit, mainly for typos and abbreviations, as it appeared sent in a hurry.

Welcome back to blogging *side eye*. Unlike another commenter mentioned, I wasn’t just about to remove you, I had completely stopped checking for your blogs. I thought you had abandoned blogging. Anyways, I have enjoyed your recent posts and congratulate you, again, on your son’s birth. May he outlive you and prosper in health and God’s grace.

To my story (I grant you permission to use EXCEPT my photo and name):

I got married to the wrong guy and I knew it, just like I am sure Onome knew it. But I went ahead so it was not a case of not being warned. My own case was not even cheating. It was just plain incompatibility. Like not respecting my cake and icing theory and not going for a man that we will blend well together. Even I knew that my husband and I were and are still not for each other but I went ahead having been told by many that fun, excitement in marriage and running around on the beach is best left for fairy tales… I therefore thought nothing of our lack of excitement: I am not an expressive person and my husband is even worse than I am. At least, I tell him I love him. He has NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER EVER EVER told me those three words.

I remember during my bridal shower, I was asked who said ‘I love you’ first and I just laughed and said “I did”. Little would the girls know that there was no confusion in that regard. This is just to emphasise the point that mine is a passionless marriage. He doesn’t hug me. We hardly kiss. We never hold hands. Sex is without ANY form of foreplay and all these got even worse after we had our second daughter. If I thought things were bad, now they are just plain laughable.

I have been dissatisfied for a while and blamed it on my weight gain. I was size 8 when we married in 2012. I’m now a size 12 but I believe I look alright (see my recent photos attached). I got so convinced I had lost my appeal and to ‘test’ it, I went to the City Mall near the Government House at Azikiwe Road in PH where we live. I went without my ring and was approached by a guy, after a few minutes. I confirmed, at least, that I am not bad like that even if no longer the ‘lepa’ I was back when we met and married. Even when we met, he would never say I look good or look bad. He was just bland. Like you once told people in your blog and I confirm, marriage changes no one. He stayed the very same. Slightly worse sef as then, I knew I was okay but now, with a jiggly lower belly and fatter thighs, a bit of encouragement would really help my self esteem.

I listened to this Myles Munroe preaching (see link below) where he advised women to quit complaining about an unromantic spouse and start organising dates and initiating stuff. So I got gingered and started. Maybe it was my method of execution, but I pretty much had a 40% success initially and now, we are back to where we started.

I remember one ‘date’ we went on. We hardly spoke, so much that the couple beside us kept throwing us glances as if to ask if we were dumb and all. It was only when the waiter took our orders that they confirmed that the cat hadn’t gotten our tongues. We have ZERO chemistry. I at least find him attractive though he lost the six pack he had when we met but with him, I must appear so ugly.

He always looks forward to going out with the boys (who interesting go with their wives sometimes o). His happiest times are when he has to travel out of Port Harcourt to consult somewhere (he was in a consulting firm that means he travels). I have once stumbled on an email excusing him from a trip since my birthday was so close and it also fell on a holiday and all he could do was respond that he is happy to go. I was hurt.

To cut the story short (lol), my marriage is boring and I have tried all sorts of things without much success. Now, I’m just preparing myself to hear he wants a divorce because there is just no way we both can carry on like this. I have seen him so excited and bubbly with friends and colleagues one minute then totally quiet and silent the next once we are alone.

I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel helpless. I wish I didn’t marry him and save him also from the misery of being married to a woman he clearly has no feelings for. I know he’s doing his bit as a man of honour and will provide and right now, we are more like co-parents and housemates than friends and lovers.

My advice to single and even those in serious relationships is this: marry your friend. Not just a friend-your pally, your paddy, your homie, your buddy, your person. There’s nothing as bad as a rut in marriage and a marriage lacking companionship and excitement. It is tiring. I see my male colleagues at work checking up on their wives during the day, organising trips and weekends away, grabbing moments to text each other and laughing into their phones. Our chat history is a joke. Either its a question about picking up the children or about some other family administrative task, very mechanical. I have friends who go on holiday as a family and also as a couple and plan their leave together, not necessarily expensive, to Dubai, to Calabar to Ghana just to reignite the spark. He prefers being alone and going alone all the time. Our honeymoon was a joke. He stayed in the hotel room half the time, no! not doing the deed o but working, sleeping and watching golf (there was a major tournament that period), the only dinner we went on was just not it.

I know I’m not a naturally bubbly person. Neither do I have the perseverance to keep initiating with no measurable result. I know therefore that Im not contributing much to exciting marriage vibes. So why did I marry a man who doesn’t get moved or inspired by anything but his solitude, solo trips, solo life. Someone like me would have done well to marry a more lively person, someone who would keep the marriage bed alive and active. Someone more loving and caring not a wood who cannot be penetrated or moved. Someone I gel with. Someone who is my friend. Someone who would bring me out of my shell not drive me deeper into it.

In marriages like mine, the woman suffers more as she is the one expected to stay home to take care of things. She has the babies and gets fat. She may feel guilty going out often and leaving the kids and her husband. She will turn down opportunities to travel for work often and will rethink going on extended conferences and trainings. Yet, she will be undervalued and bitter. So save yourself the heartache and marry a true friend. One who genuinely can’t bear to see you hurting. One who lives to make you happy. One who loves you and is proud to let you know. One who loves and will let even his friends and yours know. The type who will respect days you designate as date nights not the one who will forget and call you childish for caring so much about a stupid dinner. The type who would hold your hands and hug you and tell you all will be well. The type who when you are ill will not say you are pretending but will drop stuff to attend to you. The one who would proritise you as you do him. If you don’t have at least 75% of this in your spouse to be, then I second the motion: Don’t marry that man!!!

Whoa… This is chilling. As a soon-to-be Mrs looking from outside the marriage bubble, I just can’t wait to be married. But I think it’s been established that marriage is much more than the beautiful cake, expensive decors etc. It is more than even being a help mate or a supporter. It starts with who you can literally “chill” with, who tells you the truth, who you can “fart” in front of, who has the same long-term and even short-term goals as you etc. All in all, marriage is definitely not for the faint-hearted. And the worst thing that can happen to a woman is to get married to the wrong person.

I personally do not think the lady’s husband is cheating. He might just be very placid about his relationship. Unfortunately, this is the leading cause of several divorces today. Even though we do not know the circumstances surrounding her entering into this marriage and she entered into this with her two eyes open, I believe she shouldn’t give up. This might sound a bit cliche but she has to use every means possible to keep this union together. If possible, start conversations on unnecessary things, find what he loves and do it with him and most of all, pray! May God look upon this lady’s union with mercy and save it.

This is SO sad! I wish she’d talk to him about counselling. He seems capable of excitement, just not with her.
Being the “love optimist” that I am, I can’t help but hope that something can turn around. You need to find out what exactly his problem is.
Some people are not exactly “compatible” but they make it work.
I really hope they try counselling.
I’m also a strong believer in miracles. Pray and fast about it while you do the sweet things you’ve read about without looking for a response from him.
I learnt very recently that when we do things with the intention that we will get a response immediately, we give up when we don’t seem to be getting that response and it seems we were actually making that effort for what we could get out of it immediately; please don’t give up. I’ve heard testimonies and I have mine too from this practice.

Hi sis
I dunno how u got to this point but there are so many questions
1. how did he ask you out or ask you to marry him?
2.were u just linked and then told to marry?
3. was the family or someone respected involved?
I’m simply wondering how u became in communicable.
4. does he talk to the kids and play with them?
From what uve relayed I’m not sure there’s is d case of an affair. possibly u guys aren’t jus and av never been interested but, it’s possible to repair this.
I know of a couple(well I know d guys Mum) in dis case the lady was the. one like ur husband while the guy was trying hard. she wasn’t talking to anyone in d house, even their only child was frustrated. so the guys Mum took away the only child from them for some 2 or 3 years. in that time they sought counseling, and with prayers from family, she got better (the lady was jus kinda depressed, funny thing is she and her husband dated thru uni and made d marriage decision themselves. according to d husband she basically jus began withdrawing until she went mute). now they r doing fine and finally had another kid. sorry for where u are. I’ll pray for u and I’m sure some others will too. just wanted to encourage u that there is still hope if u see it.

i do not think he’s cheating, he’s just been uninterested in the whole thing from the start. may God help us all to choose right so we don’t fight some unnecessary battles in marriage.
i’m sorry about all you are going through sis, i think you should suggest counselling to him. it will take a lot of patience and work but i believe things can change. remember, God has the hearts of kings in his hands.
God bless your home.

I believe you both should try out counselling. It works wonders. Whether you want to get counselling from a Minister/Elder in Church who you both respect and perceive as someone to look up to, or you want to get professional counselling form a psychologist.

If you do not want to explore any of the above, I suggest you sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Brainstorm together and pinpoint what the problem is, how it all started, why did you marry each other, do you want to continue with this life, or do you both want to fix it.

Also, I suggest you work on yourself. Look better, serve his meals differently. Take it back to the days of the ‘chase’, when he ever desired you. Front for him on some instances. Do not be too flirty with him, hold back some, not too much, just some to make him want you.

Good day, to start with, 1) you said you know from onset that you are not compatible, why did you continued, 2) did you married him because of reasons not disclose to us, something personal, 3) what is the involvement of both parents, 4) what about the Church what part do they play, 5) well is like your husband is struggling with a fast or information about you. What to do * apart from prayers, start showing interest in whatever he likes and develop encouraging in his work and traveling, ask him when next it will be, plan with him pack his bus, it will work magic or miracle