Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco!

Dear Bert,

Happy 72nd Birthday! On my birthday, I spend the whole day in my birthday suit! Even when I have to go to the bank! You should try it. Also, for my birthday breakfast, I make an ice-cream-sundae omelet waffle à la mode: that’s three scoops of ice cream (assrt’d flavors), hot fudge, cherry, sprinkles, etc., etc., wrapped up in an egg’n’cheese omelet (Monterey Jack, please!), served on a chocolate-chip waffle, with maple syrup, topped with a scoop of ice cream. And also a banana, for potassium. You need your potassium, Bert! Anyway, you should eat my special birthday breakfast because it’s awesome! You really should try it. Try it! Careful not to drip! (You’re in your birthday suit, right?)

Also, what the hell was going on in Foucault’s Pendulum? Man, did I feel stoopid reading that.

Dear Stipe, Happy 44th birthday! I bet you’ve got a super-fun day planned! Cookies and cupcakes and pin-the-tail-on-Bill Berry. Will Boy George will come over so you guys can paint stripes on each other’s faces? Freak. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly…

Dear Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. Happy 36th Birthday! Cubby, I’m a big-time movie producer, and I’ve just acquired the rights to a picture that I think you’d be perfect for the lead. It’s “mostly inspired by” the true story of…

Dear J. D., Happy 85th Birthday! Look, J. D., we really wanted to throw you a surprise party, but you won’t leave your house, you agoraphobic maniac. What are we supposed to do, silently sneak into your kitchen and scare…

Dear J.C., Happy Birthday! I know everybody’s buying you frankincense and myrrh and Xbox for your birthday, so we were totally stumped. You’re a hard person to shop for! But then we remembered that carpentry was one of your hobbies,…

from: John Anderson [john.anderson1@rcn.com>] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Scrumptious Yankee Hey, you guys … I just want to thank you from the bottom of my bottom round roast for that luscious recipe. Yankee Pot Roast will live forever…