Wednesday, October 1, 2014

I haven't been shy about my feelings re: JLH being a super-kook. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovable brand of kook. It's not like homie is hiding in the backseat of gas station patron's cars with a hook on her hand, or anything. (Is that the plot from I Know What You Did Last Summer?) She's not that flavor of kook.

Side note -- can some decision maker-type from VH1 make Flavor of Kook into a Flava Flav franchise? I would 100% watch whatever the shit that show would be about.

Anyway, back to J Love's weird ways. The world's most beautiful creep was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel a couple days ago, and she shared a pretty Creepy McCreepsalot story about sending a bed (bed topper? it's unclear to me, due to my lack of fancy) to a lonely Matt Damon as a creepy salve to his sad heart.

First off, this was over ten years ago, so Matt Damon was in his prime sexy-ass days. Dude was most likely drowning in the women's bathing suit area parts. Like, all of the parts.

He probably didn't have a bed because he broke them all doing sex with people, Love. I wouldn't worry.

Also, maybe save all of that Party of Five money. Scott Wolf might need an air mattress one day, or something.

Also (part II), please stop sending shit to other famouses that you don't know. It's unusual at best. Matt Damon probably thought the bed thingy was stuffed with a mixture of both of your hair clippings that you stole from his barber's dumpster and mixed together in your basement, like a weirdo hair Heisenberg. It's too much.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Good news/kind of shitty news, guys. The sexual beast that is Prince Harry (Is that illegal to say about a royally-blooded mofo?) broke up with his scrunchie-loving homegirl Cressida Bonas. Good for you single young bloods: you've still got a chance! But bad news: I really liked this girl. Here's why I'm really into her --

She's almost always wearing a scrunchie.

She has the beautiful hair that looks like she washes it with pee or apple jam, or something.

She's not fancy and uptight. You know that the Queen never even let her absolutely worst hat be in the same room with this chick.

Her name is Cressida Bonas, which kind of sounds like Croissant Boners.

I'm just scared that PH is going to date some boring, bland bitch next. Like someone with Avian Bone Syndrome, or some bullshit. I'm not okay with that. At all.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Whaddup with, Zac Efron? Stuff's been kind of shady ass with Zac lately, from that weird broken jaw storyto now this new shit from TMZ, where Effie got into a legit street fight with three men sans houses. Here's the maybe story:We're told cops were on patrol under the Harbor Freeway when they saw Zac and a man he identified as his bodyguard. Cops saw Zac and the other guy in a full-blown melee with at least 3 other people.

After breaking up the fight, cops questioned Zac. He told them they had run out of gas and were sitting in the car. Zac said while waiting for a tow truck they threw a bottle out the window -- he never said what was in the bottle -- and it smashed on the pavement near a group of transients.

Zac said the transients confronted him and the bodyguard because they believed the pair hurled the bottle at them. Zac says 2 of the transients attacked the bodyguard and when Zac got out of the car to help, he got cold cocked in the mouth. Zac said, "It was the hardest I've ever been hit in my life."

Erm, okay. That story sounds like some complete and utter bullshit. So instead of scooping that faux knowledge into our innocent brains, let's make up what might have been going on in this enigma-filled situation. (Beyond the obvious late night hoodrat activities that are pretty likely.)

He was practicing for his newly-formed street gang.

Level of Probability: 10. Please, if you don't want to be in a dancing street gang, then you can get the hell out of here.

He wanted to finish watching Frozen in the car before he got home, and the homeless dudes hate "Let it Go."

Level of Probability: 8. "Let it Go" is super annoying.

He was trying to make a Mentos/Diet Coke bottle rocket for his science project, and it totally sucked.

Level of Probability: 6. That hypothesis was way off.His sea monkey colony quit that bitch and jumped out the window.

Level of Probability: Unknown. I wasn't allow to have sea monkeys, so I really can't judge their lifestyle choices.

He wanted the guys to read him Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark for a bedtime story, but those dudes were more Goosebumps fans.

Level of Probability: 7. It's a personal preference. I totally get it.

He thought the transient men were vampires, so he was donating his blood.

Level of Probability: 4. Generosity killed the cat, or something.

They were all playing a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos together and shit got heated.

Level of Probability: 8. One dude was totally hogging the pink one. You know it.

Okay, I'm all out of ideas. My brain is in shambles. What do you guys think happened?

Friday, March 21, 2014

Because I'm solidly an old person now, I never really knew who this Shailene Woodley person was. I pretty much thought she was that one girl from 90210. But apparently I have been way, way missing out on a kooky bitch, and I LOVE A KOOKY BITCH. (And I don't mean that in the sense of having a p-word, every human's a b. I'm like Jesse Pinkman in that way.)

I kind had an inkling that homegirl was a little interesting when I read somewhere a while back that she likes to forage for food, and eats shit she finds on the side of the road, like she's on an episode of GD Extreme Cheapskates. But if that didn't pique my interest enough, she sure as eff has my attention now. Shailene was giving an assload of interesting factoids about her perfect weirdness the other night at the premiere of that Divergent movie. Here are a couple of the finer points:

“I like to … give my vagina a little vitamin D … If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine.” GO OUTSIDE AND SUN YOUR NO NOs. Maybe with one of those foldy tinfoil-y things under it, like you're an asshole villian guy in an 80s summer-themed movie!

On her favorite beauty tip: “Get in a bath and look at your body and be like, ‘Wow, thank you so much for hosting my mind and my heart,’ like as women you know, and also be pregnant with the world. I think that’s really beautiful beauty advice, like, close your eyes and think about all of the other women out there who aren’t in positions to be on a red carpet in Hollywood tonight enjoying this beautiful weather and all of these beautiful smiles and put those women in your womb and be pregnant with them and send them love.” I don't really want to be pregnant with anything, EXCEPT ALL OF THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD.

Celebrities should probably just stop giving interviews, because no one can ever say anything weirder than that. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The mates from Exolimate (duh, they're Australian) sent over a kit of their face and body exfoliators to me a couple of weeks ago. When I opened it, I was all, "What the eff is this effery???" I was expecting to find some sponge, or something, when I pulled out these plastic/metal things that looked like they would spread wallpaper paste.

Here's how this mess works -- while showering, you hold it at a 90 degree angle from your wet skin, and apply light pressure as you drag it across the skin's surface. If my description was too sh*tty for you, here's the official rules. You get the idea. It's really easy. I wasn't really expecting much from doing this. But, weirdly, this ish WORKS REALLY, REALLY WELL.

I'm mostly crushing on the face one, because it makes your skin feel crazy soft and it's so fast to use. The body one is also pretty boss, but it's a lot more time consuming (no doy) so I use it less. My laziness is well-documented. I'm about that life.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.

More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

No, I haven't been hearing the voices of famous people in my head. I'm not to THAT level, yet. I'm talking about on the social medias. I try to follow as many b's as possible on Twitter/Instagram/Grindr (I wish). And on occasion, that mess pays off. This is what has been happening in the celebrity world lately.

Amanda Bynes bedazzled her face. With a needle. (Or however they do that ish.)

JB FINALLY listened to my ass for once in his mutha effin' life, and looked like he was in an all-lesbian review of West Side Story in the process. (P.S. Does that exist??? Because I would be VERY interested in watching that.)

Lilo talked about herself via Google Facts. We're all VERY impressed, Linds. You're special. And now for the picture that made my life...

LANA DEL REY IS F*CKING SMILING IN CURRENT DAY TIMES, YOU GUYS. What. Is. Happening? If someone had told me that this day would come, I would have never believed it. And she looks totally norms! Like a real and actual humanoid -- I feel quite confused.

And now I must go rest, I do believe that this has given me the vapors.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.

Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.

Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.

Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.

Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.