Meet the Columnists: Easter 2017

Thankfully we at the Tab are here to help, providing you with four sordid souls to guide you, week by week, through the aches and pains of those horrible eight weeks we call exam term. Though they may seem a disparate set of characters, they are united by one thing: the degree of shamelessness required to write a Tab column.

You asked, and without further ado, we give you, your Easter term columnists.

Will Richards – Tuesday

When someone insinuates Drake is even close to Yeezy in greatness

This history student lives by a simple code: what would Yeezy do? Like the great man himself, Will doesn’t know when to pipe down with his opinions. He’ll confuse you, maybe even outrage you, but he’ll always entertain and maybe, just maybe, enlighten. Kanye once said ‘I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it’. Will’s certainly taking that to heart with this column.

Luke Heppenstall-West – Wednesday

Former Tab editor, Rag Man and son of God? Credit: Varsity

Guest written by Joe Shalom

Luke is a self-obsessed enigma, with a gratuitous sense of humour. He has many acquaintances but few friends. Whenever he laughs, a little baby lets off a tear.

I have known Luke for almost 3 years, although it feels much longer. First, he was a naïve yet try-hard fresher. In the first week, he went around telling everyone he had once tried ketamine; for free, in Berlin, and from a tea-bag. Soon Luke became editor of the Tab, a feat only a man as shallow as he could achieve; or want. He went on to immerse himself in left-wing student politics, whilst staying well-clear of anything ‘Union’. He thought the egos there were too large, and instead decided to ‘go it alone’ when pursuing his ascent of the Tab BNOC list; culminating in a 14th and 21st place finish for 2016 and 2017, respectively.

Luke is a vegetarian for the attention, votes for Jeremy Corbyn to help pick up girls, and is a fraudulent tick on Cambridge’s access initiatives: having attended a self-proclaimed “shit state-funded comprehensive school in Wolverhampton”, one soon finds out that both his parents went to Cambridge… His parents actually met each other here, as they began their “regrettable” journey towards Luke’s “accidental” conception, which predictably ended in divorce.

Anyway, I enjoy his company and reading his articles. I hope you will too.

Emily Christiansen – Friday

Despite being a generally optimistic person, Emily has an unfortunately angry resting-face (depicted above). She spends the majority of her time taking naps and resembling a shiny egg (the latter also depicted above). She will occasionally feel passionately about something, that she doesn’t understand and has no right to be talking about, and have a 5 minute, spicy Doritos-fueled rant. Her column will be an eclectic string of musings on those passion-inspiring subjects (probably relatable, hopefully entertaining). At some point she will definitely mention that she’s Scandinavian, the betting is just on how many articles it will take before she not-so-subtly slips it in.

Jack Drury – Monday

*Conservatism intensifies*

From CUCA to not quite CUSU president, there’s no doubt it’s been a big year for Jack Drury. Scraping into the BNOC top 50 at #48 last February, it’s fair to say a few more people would recognise Jack’s face these days. But alas, the CUSU presidency was not be his. So like all election loses, he must either accept a port soaked oblivion or turn shamelessly to journalism… so here he is.

Presenting his weekly diary to world, Jack will be reflecting on all the things that happened to him in the week. He might even talk about the snap election… stay tuned.