Culinary Preview of the 2013 NBA Season

Have you ever been in the middle of a meal and had a particular food remind you of an NBA team? No? Oh…well now I feel weird.

Anyway, that is exactly where I found myself as I happily guzzled down a cup of hot chocolate on a recent crisp autumn night. It was a particularly tasty beverage, save for those little marshmallows that infest the chocolate powder like tiny little confectionery bugs. As I stared at the miniature rock formations swirl around in their newly molten home I was struck by their resemblance to a certain hapless basketball team. The more I thought about this the more I realized how many NBA teams had culinary counterparts. This seemingly deranged line of thought slowly turned into short, and surprisingly negative set of Power Rankings for the upcoming NBA season.

1. Miami Heat (Fruitcake): Everyone pretends to like it because it’s the gift they got, but secretly it really makes them sick to their stomach.

2. San Antonio Spurs (PB & J sandwich): It’s always around. When everything else looks unfulfilling, you always go back to it even if it is never particularly exciting.

3. Indiana Pacers (Mary Jane candies): Everyone likes what they are about, but no one really takes them seriously as a contender to be the best.

4. Oklahoma City Thunder (Candy Corn): They always look colorful and appetizing, but in the end they always have the same unsatisfying finish.

5. Chicago Bulls (Wonka Bar with no Golden Ticket): You start out with all this promise and anticipation, but slowly you learn it is all just a big tease.

6. Los Angeles Clippers (Red Bull): They make you feel good for a while but you know there is a crash somewhere in the future. You then wonder why you bought into all the hype.

7. Brooklyn Nets (Lunch meat): Everyone buys it but they know it has a short shelf life and they have to get all they can out of it before it goes bad.

8. Golden State Warriors (Arch Deluxe): Lots of hype surrounding it, but it seems destined to get lost in a sea of big fish. Our menu is already filled with bestsellers, is there room for one more?

10. New York Knicks (Bacon): No matter how bad anyone says it is for you, you just can’t get enough of all that salt and sizzle that comes along with it.

11. Memphis Grizzlies (Vienna Sausages): A staple for the working man, but will never find its way to the main dining table.

12. Detroit Pistons (McDonalds Salad): Absolutely no one is buying this, but there is some underlying value in trying something new.

13. Dallas Mavericks (Lettuce): It looks good. It tastes good. In the end there is no caloric value to speak of. It will keep you fed but you need to find another food source fast.

14. Denver Nuggets (Hula Burger): Someone once said there is value in trying something new, but do you really want pineapple in place of meat? Didn’t think so.

15. Milwaukee Bucks (Plain potato chips): Sure, they satisfy you just fine. But aren’t you really craving some flavor?

16. Minnesota Timberwolves (Gourmet jelly beans): Everything is good individually. There seems to be a lot of pieces that go well together. Eventually, though, you know you will stumble upon a bad combination.

17. Portland Trail Blazers (In-N-Out Burger): No one east of the Mississippi River knows anything about you.

18. Los Angeles Lakers (Nougat candies in Christmas Samplers): You bite into a bunch of different ones and come away with only one good piece. The rest just wind up left in the box and half-chewed.

19. Washington Wizards (Cronut): This year’s big fad. Yet to be seen if there is any substance or lasting power.

20. Cleveland Cavaliers (Candy bar at the checkout): An impulse buy. Will you regret it later?

21. New Orleans Pelicans (Dried Plums): You can go ahead and change your name, but we all know that you’re still just a prune.

22. Toronto Raptors (Wheat Thins): Sounds bad when you hear it. Looks bad when you see it. Turns out to be pretty good when you taste it.

23. Atlanta Hawks (Domino’s Pizza): You never were all that good and you finally admitted it. Now you’ve changed the recipe and you’re even worse than before.

24. Boston Celtics (Thanksgiving dinner): You love the tradition and all the drama but you really only want to see it once this year (see January 26th, Brooklyn at Boston).

25. Sacramento Kings (Apples in your Halloween candy): You will do anything to give them away, but you wind up having to keep them anyway.

26. Charlotte Bobcats (Little marshmallows in hot chocolate): You really don’t want them but you throw them in anyway because you feel like you have to. They will melt away pretty quickly.

27. Utah Jazz (Sweethearts Conversation Hearts): People really don’t understand why you made such a big change, and you’ve been paying for it ever since (see Jerry Sloan).

28. Orlando Magic (Tab soda): We remember you being all the craze a while back. Then you had an ingredient that caused cancer and you had to get rid of it. You’re still around, but…eh.