The Eight Species of Gaymen. A Non-Scientific Study by The Pink Agendist

In my many years out, I’ve been conducting entirely non-scientific (anti-scientific, even) research to identify and inform society of the many species of gaymen they may come into contact with during their lives. My findings conclude we are divided into eight different species:

Ingenugay

Ingenugay (pronounced engine-you-gay) has just come out of the closet wearing pink-tinted sunglasses and a tiara made of daisies. He’s radiant, he’s innocent, he’s In-gen-u-gay. He thinks all the other gays are his friends. Wake-UP!!! All they want is to get you into bed first. You’re fresh meat. They don’t want your flower tiara they just want to de-flower you. Ingenugay is more of a phase than a species. One day he ends up on youtube crying, with his mascara running down his cheeks as he realizes he’s no longer Ingenugay and has to move into one of the other categories.

TipiGay

Tipigay is the most common category. He’s sweet & fun. He doesn’t watch sports but has a crush on Tom Brady. He’s well dressed, good looking and women everywhere consider him their best girl-friend (who just happens to have a penis). You can take him to dinner with your parents and your mom will justlovehim. Your father will tell you he barely noticed the guy was gay. He’s a natural born agony aunt and women far and wide call him for relationship advice in the middle of the night and fashion advice during the day. He loves to go shopping with his girlfriends.

Cruella de Gay

Cruella is mad and out for blood!!! He didn’t respond well to his Ingenugay break-up. He keeps a hanky in his pocket to wipe the venom away from the corners of his mouth after he speaks, otherwise it would corrode his own skin. The only time Cruella stops spewing evil is when he’s got a penis in his mouth. Beware, you might be his next victim, he’s got an eye on your boyfriend (even if you happen to be a straight girl.) Never leave your boyfriend alone with him and make sure to watch your drink so he doesn’t slip something into it! Physically, this variety tends to be thinner and taller than the others. They also generally end up writing blogs about celebrities.

FaGay

There aren’t noticeable physical characteristic for this specimen, he comes in all shapes and sizes. The one identifiable trait is his high pitched voice, particularly when he says words that end in OUS. Fabulous, marvellous, fantabulous, glamorous, überfabulous. He’s also prone to referring to himself and other gay men as she/her. His arms move around so much when he speaks he could probably power a generator. The only two women he loves are Cher and his mother.

AthletiGay

As if straight men didn’t have a tough time already, here comes Athletigay. He spends more time doing exercise than most people spend awake. Females gasp when they find out he’s gay and mutter “what a waste”. Suburban women fantasize about him when their fat husbands touch them in bed . AthletiGays are usually a little homophobic, they don’t mix with other categories and only socialize and sleep with other AthletiGays. They are obsessed with being “straight-acting” and end up living in the suburbs where they go on bike rides and hike with their adopted children.

ProteGay

The Protegay has watched All About Eve way too many times. He’s observant and knows just what to say to get into your life. He’s characterized by incessant flirtation. If it has a wallet, he’ll flirt with it. He’s also characterized by arriving at your door-step in the evening with two suitcases and a sob-story. Beware, the Protegay does not discriminate by sexual orientation when he’s choosing one of his victims. He might come in the form of a butler to a wealthy lady (Ask Doris Duke), or he might be the younger guy who’s soooooo impressed by your career. He organizes his own clothes by colour. When he asks to organize yourclothes by colour, say no, move to another city and change your cell phone number. If you’re already straddled with a Protegay, make sure he doesn’t have access to the IV by your deathbed.

Denial O. Gay

Denial O. Gay is of the closeted variety. Closeted in that he wrongly believes nobody thinks he’s gay. At night he stands in front of the mirror practicing his straight face, straight smile, straight laugh, straight scowl. When he goes out, he always has a lady on his arm. He has a boyfriend who he met on grindr who he introduces to people as his colleague, but his boyfriend is never invited to his birthdays. His porn collection is bigger than any of the other species. He’s also into kinky casual sex, but has to drive hours away from home to get it. He wouldn’t risk being outed! What he doesn’t realize is that everyone and his mother know he’s gay. Straight men didn’t cry after every single episode of Oprah’s last season and don’t squeal when they’re watching America’s Next Top Model.

Gayd E. Nial

This species is similar to the previous species as they’re neighbours at numbers 23 and 24 on Closet Lane, Short Hills, NJ. The main difference is however that Gayd E. Nial is married, religious and a registered republican. Denial O. Gay says he’s a republican but actually votes democrat. This species also has a propensity towards public homophobia whilst having a gay porn collection almost as large as the previous species. They only have gay sex when travelling and tend to do it in airport bathroom stalls or with rent-boys. This species is quite common in Catholic and Muslim countries and in conservative circles worldwide.

Susans

Now I couldn’t write a post about Gayman types without mentioning the Susans. Every individual Gayman and every individual gay bar has a Sue. She’s trapped in a vicious circle. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in years but she only goes out to gay clubs and only has gaymen as friends. She lives vicariously through gaymen and is a little bit too interested in the details of our sex-lives. When she gets drunk she gets handsy. Susans are invariably overweight and often depressed, but gaymen everywhere tell her she looks fab, so she doesn’t feel the need to go on a diet or take Prozac. As she ages she starts collecting cats and will eventually appear on an episode of Animal Cops: Detroit, when her neighbours start complaining the smell emanating from her home is unbearable.

If I’ve left anyone out, or your own non-scientific research has led you to identify other species of Gaymen, please, do share!

Reblogged this on Meeka's Mind and commented:
Okay, I simply couldn’t let this one past without reblogging it. Pinky and I have been friends for a couple of years and he has the sharpest, funniest wit of any man I know, gay or straight. So if you are shy, homophobic or easily shocked, please look away now.

Well there are the gay bears…big, burly guys who look like construction workers (but moisturize their faces, spend too much time grooming their facial hair, and have more and better skin care products than most women). As a woman who likes big guys (maybe because my father’s a big guy…I said it, and we’re moving on) the gay bears are confusing. From afar, a gay bear looks like a cute, big guy…then I go up to him to flirt and he introduces me to his husband or his boyfriend. And I think “Well great, now there’s two of them I can’t sleep with”.

And then there’s the curious case of a cousin of mine. He played dress up in his mother’s evening dresses well into his teens…when the Internet was new he used it to cruise gay chat rooms. As a man in his 30s, he has a wife and two children, he works for a homophobic, anti-gay rights Republican New York State senator; the “best man” at his wedding is his secret lover, and he ran (and lost) for City Council as the Republican “family values” candidate amid widespread rumors (spread by a local tabloid called The Gay Blade) that his sexuality wasn’t as straight as he claimed it to be. The man’s my cousin but not only am I not sure which subset of gay man he is, I’m not even sure what planet he’s from.

I dunno, where is Regular Gay?
He’s just like Regular Straight, except he is married/coupled with a man instead of a woman.
Doesn’t speak with a lisp, works out a little but isn’t obsessive, married, homeowner, and trying to get ahead in his career. Doesn’t call other men, “she” or “her,” enjoys a good Broadway show now and then but is not obsessed with musicals. Has good relationships with family, friends and co-workers and is not out of balance in having more female than male acquaintances. Thinks about home improvement and decorating the same way a straight man does. Likes to plan and take nice vacations to destinations that are of cultural or historic or natural interest, doesn’t plan gay destination vacations, instead goes to Yellowstone or Paris, or London. Fights and makes up with husband/boyfriend like straight couples. Doesn’t shop just to shop, shops because they want/need something.

Okay maybe a few more moisturizers than a straight man on the bathroom shelf. Dresses well when called for otherwise wears khaki pants to the office.

I’m looking for a gay redneck. I’m wondering if they exist? You know, the moody, silent type who wear camouflage trousers with really old T-shirts and spend most of their spare time in the woods. They smell like woodsmoke and survival skills. Because I don’t find any of the types you’ve described at all attractive, but campfires are almost unbearably erotic.

There’s everything! Redneck, camouflage, country types, city types… The classic stereotypes (not the joke ones above) were in part tribal mechanisms we developed and used to identify members of our group when being gay was kept mostly hidden.
Niche professions, dress codes, speech pattens, adherence to certain types of music- it all made finding other lgbt people easier. But the world is changing. People don’t need to conform to stereotypes in the same way anymore, which means your redneck is out there 🙂

The frustrating thing is that my friends trend older, so most of the people I meet got their gender performance rules thirty years ago, when apparently there was only one way to be gay. It’s frustrating.

Oh! By the way. I’ve always loved the fact that you use the picture of Penn Badgley from Easy A in this post, because when I watch the movie I want him to be gay, yet you’ve chosen the scene where he admits his feelings for Emma Stone and she turns him down temporarily.