Hi CED - It's been a long time!

Not been on this forum for ages but I just wanted to see how you are. I hope you are happy and settled with your husband.

Things are better my end, no big changes with regards to my relationship but been to see a psychotherapist who has helped me alot. I feel like things will be getting on the right track soon. These things take time though.

Oh West!!! This is freaking me out! I came on the last couple of days looking for you!!! I was going to write you today! How's that for ESP??? I'm more depressed than ever, West. I can't seem to shake these feelings of uncertainty at all! I was actually driving home from work today thinking that I really need to go to the shrink again....but I have to find one. I saw a woman 2 times, but I wasn't really comfortable with her. I am still with my husband and I do love him....but West...it's getting harder and harder to push these feelings aside. These feelings of should I stay and be secure or should I leave and what else is out there??? There is no one else in my life and I want it that way. IF I ever leave it will be because I needed to find me. I know it all sounds so cliche...but I feel like I'm going to explode. I am at this great big huge impasse!!! What is happening with you and your boyfriend? Are you in your own place now? How is the shrink helping you? Tell me everything...I can't wait to hear everything! I'm just so glad you wrote, you have no idea.

That is weird because I haven't been on this site since the last time we messaged each other.

Anyways, where do I start?

Since we last spoke, I have had about six sessions with a psychotherapist. At first I was very skeptical about them but I stuck with it and now I feel like I am reaping some of the benefits.

We talked about a number of issues in particular my relationship and my self esteem. We talked about why I cannot make a decision on whether to leave my relationship or not. When I was 17 I fell head over heels in love with a guy (the type of love you and I have been craving for) but he treated me very badly. At the time I had no friends and had fallen out with my parents. This guy broke up with me and I felt totally abandoned. I have never felt so alone. The therapist said that I am sticking with this relationship because it feels safe and because I don't want to feel abandoned again. This made alot of sense to me. He helped ease some of this fear of being alone. He suggested that the reason I may not have fallen in love with my bf is because I don't want to let myself be vunerable again.

I am still left with a decision to make, but these sessions have given me alot more confidence and I don't fear being alone as much. I just need to decide whether I want to put the effort into the relationship and hope to fall in love or take a risk and find a person that I have stronger feelings for. The therapist said that I may never find anyone I fall in love with as much as when I was 17 because at this time you are young with no emotional baggage. Thats why teen love is so intense as there are no past relationships to have an effect on you.

There is a part of me that really wants to be single, without ties and be 'happy go lucky' for a while. I can relate to your comment 'find me' as I want that too. I don't think I will ever settle without expressing this part of me. I am going to see a cottage to rent tomorrow morning and I am planning to move in alone. I have begun to think that life is not always about doing the right thing, if we do the wrong thing we learn from it and move on. After all this deliberating, at least I cannot say that I made this decision on a whim!!

I hope I am not rambling to much and boring you. It was great to get a reply from you, to be honest I didn't expect one because we haven't been in touch for so long.

P.S. I just read my message and it's all me, me, me. I forgot to say that I am very sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. It's horrible to feel that way, when your mind is churning things over and over again. I hope that I can give you some advice and support to help you get through this. I really do know how you are feeling. It's hard when you have had the same thought going round and round in your mind for so many years. WESTX

Oh, West...you're never boring and you're never rambling and it wasn't all about you, you, you. I loved your message. I am completely thrilled that you are making some headway. I'm so proud of you for sticking to the psych sessions. This entire issue is a complete process and one that has to be thought out and I'm just so glad that you're getting help in doing that. Take small steps and I swear you will get where you want to go. Your doc had some good insight and I've often thought that maybe I just had a fear of intimacy because of having a really distant father who wasn't there both physically or mentally for my sister and me. I can't blame my parents for what's wrong with me, but it does show me where it came from. At 42 years old, I just want it fixed now. I'm really glad you're tackling these issues now instead of waiting until my age, because things really do start to rear their ugly heads when you get to your forties! All the stuff you hear about not being able to stuff your feelings because they will eventually come out...is so true. Something happens as we get to middle age and it's all about evaluating what you're doing, where you've been and where you're going. I want you to have as much as you can cleared up by then! And I can tell, you're gonna be just fine. I can't say it enough...I'm really proud of you.
I never was out on my own or happy go lucky and I think you should go for it full throttle! Get that experience under your belt and just do it.

I am 100% certain that you and I stay in our relationship because of fear. But I also know that we have good guys who love us, but it may not be enough. I'm completely and utterly afraid to make the wrong move and more than that, the thought of hurting him or my son just kills me. I'd rather hurt myself then take that chance. Really. But there's this urge almost daily now that is moving me to re-think everything.

I've been thinking so much about Jim McGreevy these past days and I thought of this when he first announced that he was gay and the whole affair thing. I was thinking how lucky he is because the moment he told his truth, he started to be able to live. I know he turned some lives upside down and of course I feel for his wife and kids but sometimes life is messy like that unfortunately. But, he wasn't a bad person and did nothing with malicious intent. He had his own demons to deal with. He was just human, but now he's able to move foward and has someone authentic in his life and he can live it happily. I don't know..it just had me thinking on another level that's all.

Please write back and keep in touch. I really do wish there was a way to keep in touch outside of this forum, but I'm glad we at least have this here to talk through. Thanks for listening and someday when I grow up, I want to be just like you!

I know what you mean about the fact that you are worried about making the wrong decision because I feel that way too. I have thought about this alot. If I was to split from my boyfriend and then totally regret it, how long would I spend beating myself up. It is quite likely that I would actually say to myself 'well you spent a long time deliberating and did your best to make the right choice' and then move on. I have spent years and years being scared about making the 'wrong decision' and I feel I am going to regret this far more. I suppose there are no 'wrong decisions' there are just different roads to take. Do we take a risk or play it safe?

I don't want to sway your decision either way, but I have a feeling that I could come onto this site in a years time and you will be feeling the same way. That would be so sad as you completely deserve to live a contented and peaceful life - you do. I know you don't want to hurt your son, but the main thing is that he knows you will both keep loving him, even though you may not love each other. My bf's parents broke up when he was 11 and he said to me that he was really pleased after it happened because he knew they were unhappy together. They have noth since remarried.

It's a shame things didn't work out with your therapist, it might be worth trying to find someone better. I must admit I nearly stopped going after the second session as it felt like he was blaming my parents for alot of things. But it was worth sticking to because after a few sessions I started to feel better about myself.

I went to see that cottage but it wasn't any good. I think I need to end the relationship b4 I sort out a house. I hope I am brave enough to see it through, particularly after all the things I have said to you!!!. I am planning to speak to him this weekend.

West, why do you think you need to end the relationship before you sort out the house thing. Can't you stil get your own place before you decide about you and your boyfriend? Maybe getting your own place would put things into perspective a little better. Continue with your plans of getting your own place. You're moving just fine.

Thank you for your words of encouragement also. And you're right....if you come on here a year from now and I'm still saying the same stuff it will be sad. I hope I can be brave and figure out what I'm doing. I think I will give therapy another try. Maybe, though, I'm just waiting for someone to tell me what to do and that's not gonna happen. We'll see. Sometimes I get so sick and tired of thinking about it,,,,don't you?

There are no wrong decisions, West....you're so smart about that. Just decisions and choices we make and if it doesn't work out then we do something else. It really is as easy as that sometimes. We just do something else. We're not bad people and we don't want to hurt anyone. But we do so much deserve true happiness. I hope you and I find it soon. Keep moving forward my friend....you're doing great! I'm proud of you. It's all a process. Write soon and come back here often because it's our only way of communicating!!!

I get sick of thinking about it too, it goes round and round in my head all day long. Sometimes I think I will just go mad!

My bf and I went out for a meal last night and I was planning to speak to him about splitting up. The meal went really well and we laughed and talked alot. At the end of the meal I was saying to myself 'why on earth are you thinking ending this relationship'. We did talk a little about the whole situation, but no definite decisions have been made. Now, today, I have the same old thoughts going through my mind. When we are together it feels so painful to talk about ending the relationship. It makes me feel sick in my stomach. I am really fed up of feeling unsettled, maybe I am not trying hard enough to make the relationship work?

What shall we do to solve both our situations, we can't go on like this forever???? :-(

I hate only having this forum to talk and the biggest reason is because I can't remember what we've covered previously. Like for instance, have I told you yet to write a pro and con list? Sometimes it helps. What you like and don't like about your boyfriend down to the last detail.

I have times with my husband all the time like you had last night with your bf. I love my husband and I enjoy his company. I really do. That's what makes it so hard. He's very good to me and I don't think about the moments of leaving until after we are intimate. For me there's something missing in those moments. And frankly, West, it's not him...it's me. I think I'm learning that I have a fear of intimacy or something. It wouldn't matter who I'm with, I really think I'd feel the same way. And also for me there's always this feeling that I'm missing something! Let me tell you something that happened to me yesterday which put a lot of things into perspective for me.

I'm at the hair salon. I've been going to the same girl now for a few years. She is 29, never married, cute, a little airy. She has a history of cheating on her boyfriends and moving from one to another. Last year this time she was having problems with her boyfriend "Greg." She ends up breaking up with him and within a month she is seeing "Sam." Now, I find out then that towards the end of her time with Greg she was talking with Sam on the internet. Sam and her start having a hot and heavy relationship starting in January which is right after she kicks Greg out of her house. So, I see her in January and everything is just "perfect." He is perfect for her inside and out!! She loves loves loves him. Big island trips are planned and a photo album is started with all the happy, wonderful, life is great, look at our tanned perfect body, pictures! She tells me a story of how they are like siamese twins and connected at the hip at all times and aren't they just so cute and can you stand us??!!! Keep in mind, I am not a jealous person, but I am green with envy at this point. Hiding it of course, but green none the less. I want what she has. So, I think.

Cut to yesterday where she starts talking about Greg....not Sam!! And how she went to Greg's new house and how he wanted to do something but she didn't want to because of guilt and how they have been text messaging each other for a long time. I say, how does Sam feel about that? She says, he doesn't like it...but he's getting on my nerves. Here it comes!!!! She starts telling me all the thing she doesn't like about Sam. I think, hmmm....9 months and Mr. Perfect is coming close to the end with her!! You remember that story of how they're siamese twins?? Well, she says, I was trying to check my e-mail the other day and he was sitting right there...I said...Don't you have someplace to go??? Quite the turn around, huh??

Here's my point to all of this...nobody has a perfect relationship and everyone is always thinking there's something more out there. Now I know what this girl is gonna do. When I go back to her in 6 weeks, she will be getting ready to kick him out for good and she will soon after that take up with Greg again and her cycle will repeat itself.

The grass is not greener. Do I think you need to stay with your boyfriend just based on that fact?? No way. Remember I told you from the beginning, fear based decisions are destructive ones. If you are having such a hard time pulling away from him, then there is something good there. But, you must not stay with him out of guilt or fear. If at the end of the day you can look at him and see that he is loving, giving, compassionate, caring, concerned and genuinely there for you, then you owe it to YOURSELF to take a stronger, harder look at this relationship. My point to the above story was also that passion fades and as you can see by the story....it fades quickly! You have to make your own passion sometimes. No, I never had it for my husband and frankly I don't know why. Maybe it is chemistry, but why I've stayed so long is because I know in my gut that it's not the right reason to leave him. There is so much more that we share. My angst comes over the fact that I wish I didn't crave the excitement all the time. I need life to be exciting and for me unless I'm living on the edge in some way...life gets very boring. My husband is quite the opposite. Status quo suits him just fine.

I don't like feeling unsettled either, West. And I hate knowing that you feel unsettled too. I told you before to take your time and that nothing has to be decided today. I also told you before not to marry your boyfriend and I mean that still. You take the time you need and really work through this. Continue to see your therapist and I just know in my heart that you are going to find the answers you need to make the right decision.

I think about growing old with my husband and for me, there's really no one else I'd rather do that with. We have 23 years together, I can't imagine not being in his life or vice versa. Do I think he's my soul mate? Nope. But, I have to tell you, I don't know what that is. Everyone tells me I watch too much romantic TV and that life is not like TV. I'm starting to believe them.

I went to see my therapist for the last time last night. We spoke for a long time. He said some really interesting things. This in particular:

He said to me
'close your eyes and imagine your are 85 years old. You are lying on your bed and it is the last moments of your life. You are surrounded by people that love you and that will care for me in the afterlife - although I cannot see their faces (?!). You start thinking back over your life, in particular to when you were 25 and you remember that you ended a relationship. He asked how I feel now (at 85) about the ending of this relationship. I said I am happy that I did it because it wasn't right for me and I was glad that I didn't leave it any longer before making the decision'.

After saying that, all of a sudden things started to seem so clear in my mind.

We talked for over an hour about many things and he did some hypnotherapy to help ease my fear of ending the relationship. He said to me that I have to take control of my life and my own happiness, wants and needs. He said that, if I do decide to end the relationship I must try and do it as kindly as possible.

After the therapy, when I was driving back in my car, I thought to myself every week that passes is a week closer to death. I know that sounds terrible and nobody likes to talk about it, but itís true and it seems to me that old age comes a lot quicker than you think. Life is too short to spend unhappy. I decided to finish the relationship as soon as I got home because I knew in my heart it was over and he deserved to know as quickly as possible.

So I did. We both cried most the night and felt sick to our stomachs. It is really hard and I am scared about what is coming up. I have had an offer on some temporary, cheap, accommodation and I am planning to move to in a couple of weeks. Itís not easy but I know I am doing the right thing now.

If it wasnít for my therapist I never could have made this decision. He didnít push me in any direction. He worked on building my self esteem and confidence and encouraged me to put my own happiness first. From there, my mind all of a sudden seemed clearer. A friend suggested meditating to me as well (to relieve stress) and that has really helped too. I would recommend it.

I think you should seek out a really good therapist. Even if it means seeing mine!! At the end of the day it is well worth it if it means you are going to feel happier with your life. The right decision for you may not be to end the relationship but you need to get to grips with what you really want. You need some clarity.

I think I already knew deep deep down inside but I hadnít got the strength or confidence to do anything about it.

I am sobbing and laughing at the sametime! I'm completely happy for you and I have no doubt in my mind that this is the right decision for you. You are my hero and my inspiration with regard to finding my self, my self-esteem, and my clarity. I will remember your words always and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. This was big, West. Really big and I'm so proud of you. I'm so envious and completely in awe. Thank you for telling me what your therapist said and thank you for being here to talk to. I guess you won't be on here that much and I would love to keep in touch. Can we make it a point to check in at least monthly here?

I have been really greatful for all your advice. It has been a release to be able to share my problems with someone who is in the same boat.

I am not going anywhere until we work out what you are going to do! I will defo stay on this forum and check evey month to see how your doing. Also, I still have a very difficult road ahead and I need your encouragement!

For the last four weeks I have been going to a Buddhist session for two hours a week, which is how I got into doing some meditation. I have never been into any religion before so it is all new to me. I am not sure if you know anything about the religion but they basically say that we create our own emotions and that we should stop focusing on external things and look at changing how we think in order to be happier with our lives. Anyway, I was talking to the lady that takes the session about my relationship last week. She offered me a room in the centre just for a few months to help me get on my feet. Quite a few people live at the centre and they are all quite 'full on' into buddism. I am not sure whether I should go and live there or not. In a way it would be perfect because it will take a good few months to sort out a house of my own. But I am afraid I might be pressured into adopting their religion and I am not that into it. I am not sure what to do.

I hope your son is well and everything else in your life is going smoothly. I have recently started a new job, it is not in my ideal career but I am enjoying doing something new.

It certainly is a realease to be able to share the same problems with people in the same boat! I'm glad you're not going anywhere too soon because I really would miss talking with you. I don't think you have a hard road at all ahead of you. I think you've just started your life and it's gonna be awesome to say the least. I can't say it enough how proud I am that you were brave enough to make this change.

It's very ironic that you are talking about Buddhism because I checked this out last year. I wanted so much to have the peace that they have. I regret that I haven't checked further into it, but I may just start doing that again. As far as living at the center, that's a big move for you, huh? I know that I would be worried that it would be "cult" like too. But you know what, West...you're a very smart girl and you are learning to trust your little voice inside....so I'm sure you're going to figure it out. I mean that. It may be exactly what you need or it may turn out to be something that you say...you know what...I'm glad I tried it, but I'm moving on. You'll know what to do...stay real still and listen to you.

Thank you for asking about my son. He's great, thank God and of course he's the smartest, cutest, and funniest 15 year old around!! I want him to stay that way and I just know that if something happens to me and his dad....he will change forever. I'm just not willing to risk that. I have a responsibility to that kid and he didn't ask to be here and he deserves to be as happy as possible. This isn't me being a martyr...it's just the truth. His father and I genuinely like each other and our house is peaceful. I can't upset that at this point. I pray each day, though. I'm not sure anymore what I'm praying for....but I still pray. I know that one of my prayers is that this kid stays happy, healthy, and peaceful forever. That's really all I need at this point.

I do, however, know that I want to find a good therapist. Your journey has really inspired me and right now I am trying to find the strength in me to find one that I can trust and one to help me. I think I will concentrate my efforts in that area. I'm so damn tired of eating my problems away, too!! I'm bingeing like there's no tomorrow and I can't afford to gain weight! I hate that food is my crutch, I really do. But I know that my weight is just a symptom of my problem and if I get it together, I will eventually lose weight and get on track. I feel it coming, I really do. I don't mind exercising, but I can go numb when I am trying to push feelings away and I just eat!! I hate it!

I am also looking to find a new job and even though yours is not ideal..it's just going to be a stepping stone for you. I just can't believe how excited I am for you! I really really am! Please write soon! I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Remember, West...it's literally one day at a time that's all. Don't look at the big picture, just get through one day at a time. I have that written at my desk at work and it does help.

You must be a very thoughtful and good mum to put your son before yourself. I can understand why you want to keep things peaceful. I didn't realise he was 15, I imagined he was younger. Do you think he has picked up on any vibes that you are down about this issue or have you kept things to yourself?

I can't believe you have eat your problems away too! I am a terrible binge eater, particularly when I am really stressed.

I have posted a few messages on the eating disorder forum. I too think that my binge eating will stop once I get some of my problems sorted. When I am feeling down I get in a really bad routine of coming home from work and eating anything that doesn't move in the kitchen. I feel really disgusted with myself afterwords. Luckily, I do enjoy excersize otherwise I really would be as big as a house.