Email

Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PMLN) has been stripped off the N. We have gone from a *noon* to a *noon* *ghunah*, a letter with no sound. We feel it adequately represents the silence we seek to observe in the wake of recent Supreme Court judgments. Our leaders will need yogi-level patience to avoid any future contempt cases. Please bear in mind that this does not mean any of us are converting to Buddhism. We have prerecorded videos of all our leaders declaring their Islamic faith, just in case they are needed.

As such, our party needs a new voice and a new leader. We are a political party with the mandate but without a man or any dates. Me Lord, you are a man with many dates but no mandate or political party. We are a match made in heaven. We have met enough times recently for us to now talk about making our relationship official. The members of PMLexN would like to officially request the Chief Justice of Pakistan to be the next chairperson of the party.

We have had our issues in the past but no relationship is easy. You have kicked us out of the house and made us sleep with the dogs a few times but we are willing to let bygones be bygones. We cannot afford to pay anymore legal fees and you cannot pretend anymore that you do not love us. You love Nehal Hashmi so much you wanted to keep him for an entire month.
We know we have said some unkind things but they were all born out of love. So many others have said much worse things about you but you only care about the things we say. It is true, you can only hurt the ones you love.

We have seen the new man you have been batting your eyelids at — when has that ever worked out for you? Would you rather be our only or somebody’s fourth wife? We have never even called you sharamnaak. Your naak is the prettiest naak in the world for us.

There may be leaders out there, who are prettier than us or have been in power but we know we have the one thing that you really want; the children, our children — we have the people of Pakistan. With our political support and your credibility, together we can rule the world, or at least parts of Pakistan that come under civilian rule, till we are overthrown. After which, we can retire in peace in our khaymah.

Illustration by Rohail Safdar and Marium Ali

You keep kicking us out but the children keep coming back to us. We have heard what you tell your friends — you want the children as much as us. Let’s do it for the kids.

We’ll bring everybody you want: Nawaz Sharif, Maryam Nawaz, Talal Chaudhry, Rana Sanaullah, the stuffed tiger we use at rallies, one pound fish guy who sang a song for us, a lion from Lahore Zoo, you say it and we will make it happen. Everything we did was only to get your attention. We only spoke about you in Parliament because we wanted you to listen to us. It is our John Cusack-holding-a-boom-box-outside-your-window moment.

All we are saying is that we love you. Quit playing games with our inflated hearts and say you love us too. And if you do not, just tell us who you are sharing your bed with. We know it is not the man you were with for 10 years — you never call him in and even when we ask you to, you let him leave. Is there somebody else in his clothes that you love now?

We’ll wait at D-Chowk this Friday at 8 pm with the children. If you want, come and we can go from being PMLN to PMLSC or PMLCJ or PMLA or any other letter of the alphabet that you like, any except I. That may make us PML-Independent.

This satire was published in the Herald's March 2018 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.

Mrec Large

Comments (26) Closed

Wow! This article is so atypical of Herald/DAWN. I wonder what their Lordships will have to say about it? :)

DilawarMar 22, 2018 08:35am

When will the Mughal rule and dynasty end?

ImranMar 22, 2018 09:14am

Better him than Maryam.

Akil AkhtarMar 22, 2018 09:15am

Pathetic that we give so much air to corrupt and ridicule those who stand up for law and order in this country....

MoonaMar 22, 2018 09:36am

Hahaha. Well written and gutsy.

Sheikh Sa'adiMar 22, 2018 09:47am

Brilliant.
Absolutely spot on.
Is anyone listening?

Talal abdullahMar 22, 2018 10:06am

That is realism, in my country always non democratic forces try to destabilize the civilian Govt. Alas! This political instability is the main reason of corruption, poverty and other problems.

Athar SherwaniMar 22, 2018 10:08am

Baba Rehmatay will not be amused but some of us are having a giggle or two!

KhurramMar 22, 2018 10:26am

Really bad attempt at satire. Unfunny and tasteless.

Habibullah NaviwalaMar 22, 2018 10:36am

Yes those of PMLN are against of Supreme court judges should be rather booked in Lahore Zoo where they belong to These politicians are for themselves All multi billions dollars oveseas bank account to be surrendered and be brought back to our country just that stolen money would take care of our national debt

There are lot of patriotic politicians are ready to take care of our country provided avail opportunities

J AHsanMar 22, 2018 11:07am

Completely useless article.

M RohanMar 22, 2018 11:28am

Ecstasy...Euphoria...Brilliant..wonderful...Laughed out my lungs..

M RohanMar 22, 2018 11:30am

Let's do it for the children!!!!An everlasting remedy..A masterpiece once again

M RohanMar 22, 2018 11:33am

not the man you were with for 10 years......recalling Shawshank Redemption

M RohanMar 22, 2018 11:34am

Never called you 'sharamnaak'....how about 'khabarnaak'...

NagiMar 22, 2018 11:47am

One word Savage

well meaningMar 22, 2018 12:51pm

lovely satire , keep doing it so much better than usual fare

Bilal sheikhMar 22, 2018 03:38pm

Mind blowing! brilliant writing skills you have Mr.Writer or may be Mrs. I guess. Anyhow! I observed an artistic touch in this article. I 've never ever been seen, read or listened such type of an amazing article. May you keep growing much more.

abidMar 22, 2018 04:28pm

Wow..ripping apart the Pak Studies curricular activist.

abidMar 22, 2018 04:29pm

I believe NFP is author of this piece. Great

KabirMar 22, 2018 05:31pm

Interested..

ABCDMar 22, 2018 07:54pm

Just brilliant.

AHAQMar 22, 2018 07:54pm

Nawaz family cannot have monoply on a state institution. Pakistan has many brighter minds and articulate administrators who should be given chance to come forward

mushtaq ahmedMar 22, 2018 08:11pm

Without fully endorsing the substance, excellent writing skills of the author are appreciable.