Thursday, 9 August 2012

Most likely to occur
when the underdog from Team GB wins gold to the roar of the partisan crowd.The athlete’s past few years have
probably been fraught with injury and chequered with disappointing results, and
the commentators are overwhelmed with emotion; all impartiality goes out the
window and they can’t contain their excitement for the exhilaration of them finally
grasping that glorious redemptive gold. Neither can you. In your face,
Australia.In your face!

Vocal and physical tics

“GO! RUN! RUN!! RUN!!!
****! RUN! RUN!!”Such outbursts may
leave you with a hoarse voice.If you
sporadically punch the air around you, you may hyperextend your elbow.Seek medical advice if this happens.

Overdistended bladder

Likely to result from
excessive drinking, particularly of tea and/or alcohol, coupled with an
inability to tear yourself away from the action.Make sure you go before a really exciting bit
to avoid leakage.

Unsportsmanlike figure

Unfortunately, hysterically
jumping up and down on the sofa doesn’t count as exercise. Neither does waving
a flag (even if it makes your arm ache).Neither does the constant tightening of your
muscles as you sympathetically row to Olympic gold. Neither does dashing into
the kitchen to take on fluids.And
sadly, if you think your heart racing counts as a bit of cardiovascular, it
doesn’t.

Hypersensitivity to the emotions of others

They cry, you cry. According
to an analysis by The Wall Street Journal, and this is a verifiable fact, 37.5%
of Team GB gold medallists have cried while watching the Union Flag rise to the
rousing sound of our national anthem.And
of course not all bawling is brought on by joy, so expect tears.

Additional symptoms:

Hypertension

Who thought that watching
people plop into a swimming pool or twizzle round a pommel horse would be so
stressful?

Sore thumb joints

A result of continuous
channel hopping.Often presents with Olympic OCD.

Olympic OCD

Most commonly a fixation
on the scheduling of events but may also manifest itself in a compulsion to
scrapbook.A nervous, twitchy concern
for ensuring you’re watching the best thing at any giventime is common, along with a clogged Sky box.

Deafness

“Dad, what do you want
in your sandwiches?Dad.Dad. Mum, he's not listening. DAD. DAD!”

“What?”

“What do you want in
your sandwiches?”

Pause.

“Err yeh, coffee.Phillips Idowu hasn’t qualified
for the final!”

Anxiety

What on earth did I DO before the Olympics started? What the frig am I going to do all day every day after it's over?

You may have one or more of these symptoms.

Treatment options:

Sit in the corner of a darkened room for the rest of the
week, allowing no contact with the outside world.