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___________

When someone we love commits suicide, I think people
have a natural tendency to get angry, to rail against the universe, to demand
an explanation where none exists. We blame the victim, the world, ourselves.

But I can’t do that. I can’t do that because even
though I will never be able to wrap my mind around why Moe chose to end her
life, I cannot allow anger and despair to overshadow how very grateful I am that she was my daughter; how
her presence in my life enriched me and made me a better person. So I choose to
celebrate her life, however short, and to remember her in the same way I saw
her in life, with love and admiration.

And there was a lot to love to admire.

My daughter was fierce.
In all my life, I have never met another human being who had more
conviction for doing what she thought was right and fair, consequences to
herself be damned. She never hesitated to take a stand on moral grounds, or to
stick up for the underdog. I loved this about her, and her courage inspired me
to be more courageous.

My daughter had a stunning intellect. She read
voraciously, all her life, right from the beginning. We would often see her
moving through the house with her nose stuck in a book, to the point where we
became a little concerned that she’d fall down the stairs from not watching
where she was going. Books were her lifelong friends, and her love of reading
was a cornerstone of who she was. She consumed information about her world with
the curiosity of the elephant’s child, whether the topic was Dr. Who or social
commentary on feminism in the modern age. And nothing made her happier than to
share this passion with others.

My daughter had an amazing ability to care for and
invest in other people. She was passionate about social justice. In spite of
facing discrimination herself, she spent considerable effort in trying to see
the world through the eyes of those who had less privilege. She cared about
feminism, and the LGBT community, and those who couldn’t care for themselves. My
daughter loved meat. Steak, bacon, sushi – she loved it all. But when she
decided that eating animals was not an ethical act, she did not hesitate to
become a vegetarian, because it was the right thing to do, even though it meant
giving up something she thoroughly enjoyed. It’s who she was, and her ethical
consistency and ability to sacrifice holds me to a higher standard, as well.

There was time when things weren’t easy between us. We
both spent her teen years being angry and hurt. But as she approached
adulthood, we turned a corner, and adopted the attitude that being right was not nearly as important as being family. I cannot express how profoundly grateful I
am to have had the opportunity to rebuild my relationship with Moe on a foundation
of trust, respect and mutual support, and I know she felt the same way. Getting
to know one another as unique human beings with our own priorities and desires
has been one of the most precious and sacred experiences of my life. I’m so
thankful to have done this work, and to have done it with someone whom I love
and admire so deeply.

I will miss my baby girl every day of my life. But I
will remember her positively, in all her glory and uniqueness, in all her
awesomeness. She really did march to the beat of her own tuba, and I’m grateful,
utterly grateful, to have marched with her, however briefly.

I’d like to close with a quote from Winnie the
Pooh:"How lucky I am
to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

12
comments:

That was lovely. I always looked forward to seeing Moe and will miss the sci-fi, cos-play and reading conversations. Fierce is a great word. My own fights against inequity have been revitalized by her. You - and SmartMan - gave her an environment of complete acceptability and that is truly priceless. I will smile each time I think about her.Love and Hugs to you my friend.

Janiece, I don't know you outside of Facebook or this blog, but I think of you as a friend. My heart aches with you. I cannot imagine what you're going through at this time, nor adequately express my deepest condolences for you inexpressible loss.

Janiece, I don't know you outside this blog, but through it, I've got a glimpse of your family and it's a beautiful one. I can't add anything to what has alrady been said except "hang in there!"Beatrice

About Me

I am a Hot Chick living in Castle Rock, CO with my fabulous family. We have a rescue dog named "Jackson," and she's a Basenji/Shepherd mix. She's something of a head case, but we love her. I'm a U.S. Navy vet, and I currently work as an Enterprise Solutions Architect, specializing in VoIP and multimedia contact center design. I'm a Trustee for my local library, because LIBRARIES. I care about science, the U.S. Constitution and the military. I'm a tax and spend liberal in a largely red county, but I try not to be stabby about it. I like to color, I aspire to run faster than I do, and I donate knitted cold weather gear to various charities. Stupidity, cupidity and wanton assholery piss me off, and I'm more than a little soft when it comes to dogs and those who serve others. I blog about whatever I feel like. I use foul language, so if that sort of thing offends you, feel free to fuck off now - if I'm unwilling to clean up my language for my fabulous Great Auntie Margie, I'm unlikely to do so for you. Newcomers are welcome here, especially those who disagree with me, but trolling and spamming will be met with the Shovel of Doom™.