*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

VCURamFan

09-16-2010, 10:27 PM

Episode #1:

Fade in to a salon on Rodeo Drive in sunny Beverly Hills. A SpikeTV producer is being tended to by an impossibly skinny young man dressed like he was assaulted by the Fashion Police. The producer is sporting a well-coiffed bouffant. There's a blur of skinny arms and the producer now has long, luxurious locks of gold and amber. In the next chair over sits Dana White. A young girl who looks like she gave up food two months ago and switched completely over to heroin is blow-drying the UFC president's bald head.

"So what's in store for this season?" says the producer to Dana White. "More Kimbo? Please say there's more Kimbo."

Dana White takes a sip from a glass bottle of chilled mineral water. Shakes his head and smiles. "Nope," he says. "Better. The theme for this season is…" And the man at the center of the MMA universe pauses. A second passes. Then another. The blow-dryer goes quiet. The hair clipper in the background ceases buzzing. The sudden silence of a half dozen scissors abruptly halting in their work. The oversized clock on the wall stops ticking. All eyes are on the bald man in charge of the Superbowl of Mixed Martial Arts. All ears are straining to hear his words. "The theme for this season is… hair!"

Cut to the TUF Training Center deep within the lurid bowels of Las Vegas. Season 12 of the greatest thing to ever happen to fans of jizzed on fruit and busted doors is upon us, and at the vanguard of this attack on our morality is a slew of lightweights, guided by the loving embrace of coaches Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh and the profanity of Dana White. The lightweights assemble before their master, a sea of colored hair, an afro with a pick in it, long hair in a ponytail, spiked hair, shaved hair and mohawks. There's braids, cornrows, the little curly hairs that Hasidic Jews have - someone even boasts a perm. Dana White surveys his army of garish soldiers, grins, and begins tirade number one.

"F*%^&E$*$ @%$&^$^* @#$%$#^ fighter?" he asks them. "@#$&&^*( ($%^&#{}@# hair ##$&$^** fight! @$&^^ !@&^(+) giraffe! @?<>!(%&@#* UFC %&$^* cage #$%^#& fractional geometry!" Of course, at this point, no one can understand what he says anymore. But they all nod. Their futures rest within the Octagon, and this man before them is the gatekeeper. Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh nod as well, because, well, we're not quite sure Georges speaks English that well and Josh will go along with just about anything Dana White says.

And then it's time for battle, and like last season, everyone must fight and win to earn their berth within the TUF House. Like some grand buffet of violence and poor choices at the barbershop, fifty or so match-ups are played out in abbreviated form before our very eyes.

Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch enters the cage. He and Josh Kosh B'Gosh used to date, once, years ago, during a summer abroad when one was backpacking across Europe and the other was washing dishes at a small café in Marseilles, but that was then, they're older now, wiser, and Josh Kosh B'Gosh pretends he can't remember those nights spent drinking cheap red wine and reading dog-eared copies of Tintin and Asterix the Gaul.

Marky-Marc wields a looping overhand right and what looks like a mohawk that changed its mind and decided it wanted to be a cautionary tale against getting haircuts whilst drunk. Thirteen seconds after the referee says go, Marky-Marc is standing over his unconscious opponent, punching him with that right hand. It's the fastest knockout in TUF history, and Marky-Marc strides over to the side of the cage where Dana White, Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh sit and shouts through the fence. "Remember me now?" Close up on the tears in his eyes.

A new set of hairstyles, then another, then another. The action is a blur of fists and kicks and submission attempts. Spencer the Page displays imposing striking and the kind of ground game most associate with paraplegics, but he ekes out the win when his foe sucks even more.

"Oh, my dearest Matilda," says Georges St. Pierre to no one in particular.

Josh Kosh B'Gosh gives Dana White a curious look.

"His moose," Dana White whispers.

Then Mike Sucknik enters the cage, his voiceover letting viewers know that he was some kind of champion skater in a past life, and that now it's MMA's turn to experience his athletic talent. Unfortunately, his opponent is Banh Mi, a nerdy-looking Vietnamese dude who dropped out of the School of Visual Arts to sell Ecstasy, and Banh Mi will not be denied. Boom! goes the fist in Mike Sucknik's floating rib. Crash! goes the tricked-out Nissan hatchback that Banh Mi uses to run Mike Sucknik down. "Oooowie," says the fallen former skater who should've stuck to fringe sports.

In the editing room, a technician is force-fed a six-pack of Red Bull; the fights are sped up even more. Andy My Main Man triangles some dude with green hair, then jives his way out of the cage, getting a high-five from the janitor. "My main man!" says the janitor. Two men wrestle in the Octagon and one of them wins, a hairy judoka with what could be an Armenian accent wins, someone vomits profusely behind the TUF Center, and someone with Kool-Aid-colored hair named Jeffrey Lentz beats some no-name kid to a bloody pulp.

"Hair!" screams Dana White. "I need more hair!"

It's then that we're introduced to Bruce Leroy. No, really, that's his own nickname - I didn't have to make that up. You see, Bruce Leroy was a cat from the timeless classic "The Last Dragon", which came out when the world actually believed martial artists had superpowers and Bruce Lee was the closest thing we in modern times would ever get to meeting Jesus Christ. Donning a yellow jumpsuit like Bruce Lee wore in "Game of Death", Bruce Leroy enters the Octagon with the aforementioned afro (you thought I was joking, right?) and a grin, and never loses that grin throughout his fight. He defeats someone named "Wheelbarrow" with a choke, then dances around like the '70s were something we shouldn't be ashamed of.

"I love this guy," says Dana White.

"Oh my Matilda…" says Georges St. Pierre.

Then there's a long-haired Alaskan fisherman named Spuds McKenzie, who snags his fish with a vicious guillotine. Joe Native American with no cardio but a ton of heart. Someone from Matt Hughes' camp named Dr. Watson. Someone with a Jheri-Curl, someone with a Nike logo shaved into his head, someone with a bowl cut. By now, we've seen so much condensed violence we've lost track of who's won and who's lost, it's all just a mish-mash of blood and body parts, like a busload of old people on their way to the casino has overturned on the highway and a tractor trailer came along behind it and made human organ salad.

Thankfully, it's over. The survivors gather before Dana White, their entrance into the TUF House now secure. Flanked by his two star coaches on either side, Dana White nods slowly and smirks. "Gentleman, @!#^%#$&$%*." And TUF 12 has officially begun.

Cut to that same salon in Beverly Hills. Other than the impossibly skinny young man transforming his hair into a Marge Simpson-beehive, the SpikeTV producer is alone. In his hand is an IPod, and on the tiny screen the credits are rolling on the first episode of this season's Ultimate Fighter. The producer wrinkles his brow. Says to no one in particular, "Okay. How is this better than Kimbo?"

The end.

Neezar

09-17-2010, 04:55 AM

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Marky-Marc wields a looping overhand right and what looks like a mohawk that changed its mind and decided it wanted to be a cautionary tale against getting haircuts whilst drunk.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

County Mike

09-17-2010, 12:20 PM

I love this dude's articles. He got it all exactly right.

VCURamFan

09-17-2010, 12:22 PM

Yeah, he does a great job of putting into slurred words what we're all thinking. :laugh:

VCURamFan

09-23-2010, 09:56 PM

Episode #2

This week on Ultimate Alcoholics Kept in a House: coach Georges St. Pierre speaks and we understand maybe every third or fourth word, Jebediah Lentz is the kind of guy your parents told you to avoid, Josh Kosh B'Gosh is tricked into buying a beat-up Volkswagen Bug, we meet the coaches' assistants, and Bruce Leroy walks around with a pick in his afro - even while fighting!

The episode begins with the TUFers spying the TUF House for the first time. Only it's not the same old TUF House we know and love (something about the walls of the hold house having to be torn down to remove pieces of Mikey Burnett's skull). No, it's a TUF Mansion! And the features include: a stocked bar in the kitchen, a gigantic backyard with an immaculate lawn, a stocked bar in the living room, a spacious den, a stocked bar in the den, a heart-shaped bathtub built for two, a stocked bar in the bathroom, a solarium, a stocked bar in the solarium, an observatory, a stocked bar in the observatory, and a stocked bar in the stocked bar. Of course the kids are thrilled, and Jeremiah Lentz and Bruce Leroy immediately start downing shots. Because that's what you do in the TUF Mansion (as per a clause in the contract everyone signs to take part in the show, right there under the non-disclosure agreement).

Anyway, personalities emerge. Bruce Leroy, adjusting and readjusting the pick in his hair, plays a harmonica and then talks of wrestling alligators and impregnating deer. Jimenez Lentz, meanwhile, lights up a cigarette, and after burning through half a pack and a bottle of Jack Daniels, offers to give tattoos using a rusty safety pin and an old Bic pen he found. "They see me smokin'," says the Jersey Shore bad boy. "They hatin'. They hatin'."

Back at the training center and there's some strategizing going on. You see, it's time to pick teams, and if you win the coin toss you get to either pick the first fighter or pick the first match-up or pick your nose or pick the scabs off of your elbows, which you mysteriously ended up with after waking up next to that transvestite prostitute you think you met in the parking lot outside the Spearmint Rhino. Using English that can best be described by the phrase "Jesus, turn on the closed captioning! Quick!", Georges St. Pierre describes an elaborate plan where he and his assistant coaches enter the dreams of coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh and implant an idea into his mind - an "inception", if you will - that he wants to choose Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch first.

"It can't be done," says Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who starred in the TV show "Third Rock From the Sun".

"It can," says Leonardo DiCaprio.

So Georges St. Pierre enters Josh Kosh B'Gosh's dreams with head trainer Greg Jackson Five and jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement of New Zealand in tow. Within they encounter traffic, a runaway locomotive, men with guns, skiing, Chris Leben asleep on a lawn, and a giant Brazilian fist (attached to normal-sized Paulo Thiago). They return moments later, although the mission seemed to have taken four months due to the slower rate dreams play out in someone's head.

"I tink eet work-ed," says Georges St. Pierre. And sure enough, after winning the coin toss Josh Kosh B'Gosh chooses a battered Volkswagen Bug as the first fighter on his team.

"Close enough," says Dana White to the camera.

So teams are chosen, with some of the kids preferring to be on Georges St. Pierre's team because they like not being able to understand it when someone talks. Then it's training time, and Team St. Pierre sits in a circle, holds hands and sings "Kumbaya". Midway through the tune, jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement breaks into an impromptu song and dance number of his own. Something about "too many dicks on the dance floor".

Then, just like that, it's time to pick the first match-up. At the behest of Bruce Leroy, Georges St. Pierre announces that it will be the Last Dragon versus Jolly 'Ole Lentz.
We're at the house now and the tension is so thick you could cut it with… nothing, because there's no tension. There's just Bruce Leroy catching flies with chopsticks and Jan Michael Lentz smoking cigarettes and stealing radios from cars parked in nearby driveways (he stacks his loot in a pile in the backyard). It's a dichotomy, a contrast in approaches, two men with one violent purpose and one goal but diametrically opposed methods of reaching that goal, Bruce Leroy with his tea and meditation under the porch and Jesse James Lentz smoking and cooking up crystal meth in the downstairs bathroom. Who will win when they clash? Who will emerge the victor? The caricature of the '70s martial artist or the kid from New Jersey who very clearly broke out of a juvenile detention center to get here? It's the ageless question, and soon it's answered.

Bruce Leroy enters the Octagon first, grinning, flicking out flashy kicks, a formal black kung fu uniform hanging crisply on his lightweight frame. Jorge Rodriguez Lentz follows, riding in on a deafening Harley-Davidson motorcycle, an unsavory blonde sporting a black eye and a snarl on the handlebars. Once in the cage, the referee signals them to fight.

Round 1 sees Juanito Lentz wade in past Bruce Leroy's strikes and push his foe against the fence, doing well in out-wrestling Bruce Leroy and scoring with a gigantic exclamation point of a hip toss at the bell. In between rounds the coaches work feverishly to rejuvenate their wards, jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement serenading Bruce Leroy with a song about his "sugar lumps", Josh Kosh B'Gosh whispering the words "mindless, mindless, mindless," into Juarez Lentz's ear.

Then it's Round 2, and the two fighters engage, Jiminy Cricket Lentz failing a throw and winding up on the ground with Bruce Leroy on his back, and deftly turning into top position. But Bruce Leroy has that quality, that spiritual martial energy some call "The Glow", and he harnesses it to summon a triangle choke. Jed Lentz attempts to slam his way out of it; instead, he taps.

Bruce Leroy is the winner. And we're treated to another funky '70s dance routine.

Fade to black.

County Mike

09-24-2010, 03:02 PM

Yeah!

Spiritwalker

09-24-2010, 03:45 PM

Oh man.. that's great..

Josh Kosh B'Gosh
This week on Ultimate Alcoholics Kept in a House:
Using English that can best be described by the phrase "Jesus, turn on the closed captioning! Quick!"

VCURamFan

10-01-2010, 03:35 PM

Episode #3:

Bruce Leroy is back at the TUF House, and he and Jonathan Livingston Lentz are downing shots of Jagermeister and reminiscing about the good old days, days which happened about two hours prior and involved Bruce Leroy getting his ass kicked and pulling a win via triangle choke out of his afro. "Man, I totally kicked your ass," he says, now sipping Courvoisier from a chalice. "Really, your ass… Totally kicked by me. Totally." Jethro Lentz says nothing, only smokes more cigarettes, so Bruce Leroy continues, alternating from the Courvoisier in the chalice to the ale splashing around in a tankard in his other hand. "I. Kicked. Ass. Yours. Wait, did I say that already?"

From the couch, the loveseat, the dining room table and the hammock hanging in the living room, the others shake their heads in disbelief. Not at Bruce Leroy's words, but at the fact that it's been about a week since they arrived in Las Vegas and Bruce Leroy still hasn't removed the pick from his afro. He's showered with it in, slept with it in, trained and fought with it in - the idea that it's actually a part of his skull is bandied about.

Training time, and Team Canadian No Speak English brings in Frodo Baggins to show the kids a thing or two about fighting little people. Apparently, back in Middle Earth, Frodo is some kind of badass wrestler, and coach Georges St. Pierre wants his wards to know what it's like to face a Hobbit. Hijinks ensue. Dr. Watson is unable to cope with Frodo's giant hairy feet and tumbles to the mat. Spuds McKenzie gets blazed smoking Hobbit Leaf and falls asleep curled up in a corner. Bruce Leroy gets stuck in the doorway of a Hobbit hole, his bottom half jutting out comically from a hillside.
"Eet ees troo-ly ah-musing to see dem get beaten up," says Georges St. Pierre. I think.

Soon it's time for Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh to get their training on. Unfortunately, coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh's boys don't seem that into it. Training is hard work, after all, and by now it's dawned on each and every one of them that unless they score a KO or nail a submission in one of the fights, they're not getting paid one red cent for their efforts. So after a few rounds of listless drills and staring at the treadmill and heavy bags, Josh Kosh B'Gosh lines them all up against the wall for a pep talk.
"Guys, listen, the key word here is 'mindless'," he says. "As in, you were mindless to come out here and agree to fight for free."

Then it's time for Team Incomprehensible to choose the match-up for the next fight. Georges St. Pierre calls Chris Rock on Steroids, and some Brit named "Eye-run Wal-king Some". I think. Jesus, who knows.

Back to training, although before Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh enters the gym their coach decides to pull a prank. A prank so benign it's almost as if we're watching a different reality TV show. You see, unlike in previous seasons, when it was cool to leave a dead hooker in the backseat of Ken Shamrock's car or wire four sticks of dynamite to the engine block of Rich Franklin's SUV, this time around we get Josh Kosh B'Gosh blocking Georges St. Pierre's with two cars parked too close on either side. The predicament this causes for the Canadian means… the UFC welterweight champ must now squeeze through a tighter space to get into his car? Really? Come on! It was funny when Forrest Griffin released an adult bison into Quinton Jackson's locker room. This is too tame!

Now they're training, and we're hit over the head with some foreshadowing. In the cage, Eye-run Wal-king Some defies all notions of Brit fighters by demonstrating a modicum of wrestling ability. Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh sees this, then strolls to the porch and lights up a cigarette. Stars quietly off into the distance. At the sky. At the darkening clouds on the horizon. "There's a storm brewing," he mutters aloud. Like I said, foreshadowing.

It's almost fight time, and in the locker rooms the fighters prepare for battle. But Chris Rock on Steroids gets a special visitor: former heavyweight boxing champ and convicted rapist Mike Tyson! In his oddly effeminate voice, Mike Tyson talks directly into the camera about how tough mixed martial arts are. Also, about how much he regrets getting that facial tattoo, because he has about a dozen kids now and they all make fun of him for it.

And then Chris Rock on Steroids and Eye-run Wal-king Some are fighting. As the first fighter picked when teams were chosen, expectations are high that Chris Rock on Steroids is going to out-wrestle and pound the crap out of Eye-run Wal-king Some. But there's more to the Brit than meets the eye - or less to Chris Rock on Steroids - because he ends up taking Chris Rock on Steroids down and beating on him against the cage. The bell rings on the first round with everyone convinced that Eye-run Wal-king Some really isn't British. Because, you know, he can wrestle.

"He definitely lost that round," says Mike Tyson, proving that he could be a better commentator than those clowns who worked with Bas Rutten for the Moosin pay-per-view broadcast.

Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh is just as surprised as anyone that the Brit can hold his own. "I feel like motor-boating Georges St. Pierre's ass!" he exclaims, and a gay bar in Provincetown, Massachusetts, erupts with cheers.

The tide turns in Round 2, though, with Chris Rock on Steroids just barely edging ahead of his foe with one more takedown. A third round is required. Flush with the rush of battle and the chains of exhaustion, the Team Please Turn on the Subtitles fighter stands in the corner, struggling to catch his breath when he looks over at Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson stares back, his "You gonna git raped" look clear on his face. "Twice if you lose," Mike Tyson adds wordlessly.

That's all Chris Rock on Steroids needs in terms of motivation, and he comes out for Round 3 a different man. With a barrage of punches both on the feet and on the ground, he turns Eye-run Wal-king Some into a quivering mass of human flesh. Then he chokes him out.

Chalk up another win for Team Matilda the Moose, and back in the locker room, Josh Kosh B'Gosh is disappointed. Not so much because his team suffered another loss. No. Mostly because of the whole motor-boating thing.

The end.

County Mike

10-01-2010, 05:14 PM

Another awesome write up.

Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh is just as surprised as anyone that the Brit can hold his own. "I feel like motor-boating Georges St. Pierre's ass!" he exclaims, and a gay bar in Provincetown, Massachusetts, erupts with cheers.

That part really cracked me up because I thought the same thing when Josh said that. I think his exact words were something closer to "If Aaron wins, I might just get up in George's face and motorboat his ass". I thought "He wants to motorboat George's ass? Gross."

J.B.

10-01-2010, 09:02 PM

It's almost fight time, and in the locker rooms the fighters prepare for battle. But Chris Rock on Steroids gets a special visitor: former heavyweight boxing champ and convicted rapist Mike Tyson! In his oddly effeminate voice, Mike Tyson talks directly into the camera about how tough mixed martial arts are. Also, about how much he regrets getting that facial tattoo, because he has about a dozen kids now and they all make fun of him for it.

See, Mike Tyson isn't Sean McCorkle....

He isn't going to take to the UG to rant about some ignorant ass blogger like Tomas Rios. Tyson probably doesn't even know, or care, what a blogger is. However, make no mistake about it, if you get in Tyson's face and piss him off, this is still a man who is, in my opinion, capable of destroying any man walking the face of this planet. The thing is, I don't think Mike Tyson wants to be that man anymore, and God bless him for it. :wink:

VCURamFan

10-01-2010, 09:09 PM

See, Mike Tyson isn't Sean McCorkle....

He isn't going to take to the UG to rant about some ignorant ass blogger like Tomas Rios. Tyson probably doesn't even know, or care, what a blogger is. However, make no mistake about it, if you get in Tyson's face and piss him off, this is still a man who is, in my opinion, capable of destroying any man walking the face of this planet. The thing is, I don't think Mike Tyson wants to be that man anymore, and God bless him for it. :wink:
Yeah, I got the feeling that Mitch really dislikes Tyson. He takes cheap shots at everyone (that's the appeal), but these jsut seem mean-spirited & venomous. Makes me wonder if he's a rabid "MAA is better than boxing" guy who's pissed that hallow ground was tainted by this heathen?

J.B.

10-01-2010, 09:27 PM

Yeah, I got the feeling that Mitch really dislikes Tyson. He takes cheap shots at everyone (that's the appeal), but these jsut seem mean-spirited & venomous. Makes me wonder if he's a rabid "MAA is better than boxing" guy who's pissed that hallow ground was tainted by this heathen?

Well, his disclaimer says he watches TUF on 2 hits of Acid...

That's already three strikes...:laugh:

VCURamFan

10-01-2010, 09:35 PM

Well, his disclaimer says he watches TUF on 2 hits of Acid...

That's already three strikes...:laugh:
Pretty much! I mean, it makes his articles a lot funnier, but certainly a lot less reliable. :laugh:

J.B.

10-01-2010, 10:06 PM

Pretty much! I mean, it makes his articles a lot funnier, but certainly a lot less reliable. :laugh:

Actually, it makes him a liar... :laugh:

Here's a shocker! I don't believe he takes acid or any drugs, he's just, as the kids on Jersey Show would say, an a**hole. :wink:

His pieces are hilarious though, I won't lie about that :)

VCURamFan

10-01-2010, 11:11 PM

Actually, it makes him a liar... :laugh:

Here's a shocker! I don't believe he takes acid or any drugs, he's just, as the kids on Jersey Show would say, an a**hole. :wink:

His pieces are hilarious though, I won't lie about that :)

What???? No!!!! Mitch is just a nice lad with an control substance addiction!!! The Internet said so!!!!!!!!

J.B.

10-02-2010, 07:27 AM

What???? No!!!! Mitch is just a nice lad with an control substance addiction!!! The Internet said so!!!!!!!!

Man, I found that funny 'cause I was thinking the same thing while watching the show...you'd think the accent would diminish a bit over the years! Sorry Georges, big fan & all, but damn start hanging out with some english speaking Canucks!

I love Mitch's TUF articles.

VCURamFan

10-08-2010, 04:05 PM

Episode 4:

Yeah, so Chris Rock on Steroids won last week, defeating Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some (as coach Georges St. No English calls him). But now it's time for everyone to go back to the locker rooms, and they're reluctant. You see, there's a convicted rapist in there with a the kind of facial tattoo that just cries out "Mmmm, buttocks!" And no one wants any of that.

Yet eventually the SpikeTV producers wrangle Team Canada Dry in there, and all the kids plus coaches are subjected to listening to ex-boxing champ Mike Tyson talk about… I don't know, being brave in prison and not looking corrections officers in the eye or something.

But if one half of the TUF cast is having a grand time locked in a room with a convicted felon, the other half must be suffering - which coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh ensures by shouting nonsensical speeches meant to motivate while his team punches big inflatable exercise balls. Then they push the balls around. Then they attempt to balance on top of the balls (most fall). Then they kick the balls into traffic. Then they drop the balls into Lake Meade, and shoot at them with shotguns as the balls float away.

"You will work hard now," exclaims Josh Kosh B'Gosh. "You will be rewarded, but much later. Like, maybe sometime after you're 40, or when you go to 7-11 and buy a cherry cola Slurpee and a scratch-off lottery ticket, and you win ten dollars. That's when you'll be rewarded. If ever." And it becomes clear that, as the theme of his team's workouts is "mindless", so too are his speeches.

Back at the TUF House and everyone is relaxing, sipping on cocktails in hollowed out pineapples and rolling up palm fronds and smoking them. "Cue discord!" yells a producer, and The Armenian Wonder starts grumbling about how Bruce Leroy isn't the baddest, that the Shogun of Harlem is the man to beat.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy Lentz agrees and chimes in with, "Who's the baddest? Sho'Nuff!"

Bruce Leroy responds by adjusting the pick in his afro, then mixing kata with 1980s-style break dancing moves.

Napkins and other table linen are thrown. Spuds McKenzie the fisherman throws a roll of paper towels. Marky-Marc tosses a dry sponge into the fray. It's insanity.

The insanity continues into the next scene, as Georges St. Impossible Accent cautiously drives his car into the TUF Training Center parking lot. You see, in the last episode Josh Kosh B'Gosh pulled the mother of all pranks and parked his rental car too close to the Canadian's car, forcing him to have to squeeze in through the door awkwardly. To prevent another such crippling practical joke, Georges St. Er, What? nips the shenanigans in the bud by parking too close to a fire hydrant. Uh, that's illegal and gets your car towed in most parts of the world. Does the UFC welterweight champ not know that? Probably not, but what he does know is… underwear!

It's time for a pose-down, and Josh Kosh B'Gosh and Georges St. Ambiguous take turns strutting around in their tight skivvies.

"Don't you love it when men look at you?" asks Josh Kosh B'Gosh.

"Mais oui!" giggles Georges St. Pierre.

And then it's time to pick the next fight. As Team Canadia won the lost bout, Georges St. No Personality gets to choose, and he calls out his ward Dr. Watson to face Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's Andy My Main Man.

"My main man!" says an aged blind blues guitarist sitting on a bench in the back of the gym, and he strums a few notes.

Training montage time, and Andy My Main Man is bedecked in a fur coat, garish purple hat, and alligator-skin boots. On either harm hang scantily-clad beauties - beauties who charge clients by the hour, give him a percentage, and who know karate. Another pimp saunters by going in the other direction, pauses and extends his palm. "My main man!" says the pimp, and Andy My Main Man slaps the man's hand and then the two bump fists and continue walking.

Cut to Dr. Watson's training, and jiu-jitsu master from New Zealand Jemaine Clement adjusts his glasses and begins serenading him. "Looking 'round the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful fighter in the… room. In the whole wide room. And when you're on the street, depending on the street, I bet you're definitely in the top three good-looking fighters on the street."

"Dee-pending on de street," adds Georges St. Please Don't Talk.

More training for Dr. Watson, though, only this time his trainers stage a fake entrance to the fight. Once in the Octagon, they make like it's the beginning of his impending bout. After that, they do act one, scene two of "Hamlet", then pretend the floor is lava and hop from piece of gym equipment to piece of gym equipment.

But then it's fight time for reals, and Andy My Main Man and Dr. Watson waste no time in mixing it up. The two clock each other nicely, clinch, and punch each other some more. Utilizing his purple belt in Koala Jiu-Jitsu, Andy My Main Man gets on Dr. Watson's back and stays there, hunting for eucalyptus leaves to munch on while the older fighter defends. Dr. Watson eventually escapes and winds up on top, and the two exchanges pleasantries. Time runs out in Round 1 and we're fed commercials, and then the fight resumes, this time with Dr. Watson getting the takedown, scoring with some ground and pound, and eventually finding his way to Andy My Main Man's back. The younger fighter taps soon after to a rear naked choke, giving Dr. Watson and Team Georges St. I'm Too Good To Learn English another win.

Upset, Josh Kosh B'Gosh begins rearranging furniture.

The end.

Spiritwalker

10-08-2010, 04:52 PM

Team Canada Dry

Lovin' It!!

VCURamFan

10-14-2010, 10:28 PM

Episode 5:

Bad choices.* That's theme for this week's Ultimate Dudes Incarcerated in a House and Forced to Fight, and the theme manifests itself early and often.* Case in point: coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who is clearly stressing that his team has thus far lost three out of three meetings with the opposing Team Georges St. Pete.* "Our system works," he repeats, trying to convince us that his homeboys at American Kickboxing Academy have the secret to success and that if his wards would just follow the ten easy "mindless" steps they too would see victory.* But desperation breeds desperate decisions, and Josh Kosh B'Gosh brings in AKA mate Jon Fitch to work with everyone.

"I'm Jon Fitch," says Jon Fitch, with his disheveled hair showcasing this episode's first epic bad choice.* You see, it looks like passed out in a ravine the night before and woke up with a family of raccoons setting up a bed and breakfast in his bouffant.* Yup.* Tragic.

They all get their training on, and then we're back in the TUF House.* Uh-oh, trouble is a-brewing.* It seems Bruce Leroy has entered the prank stage a bit prematurely - too soon for anyone's liking because, hey, isn't the jizz-on-the-food stuff supposed to wait until week number 6?* Anyway, he pours bleach in the fabric softener, or dye in the detergent, or something else equally benign, and teammate Chris Rock on Steroids almost falls prey to the collateral damage.

"Everyone hates me," says Bruce Leroy with a smile, a knowing smile, for if he can generate enough negative emotion, then he can ensure himself a trip into the Octagon for reals regardless of if he wins or loses again on TUF (thanks Junie Browning!).

Back to the training center, where Georges St. Totally Does Not Talk Nor Display Personality manages to one-up prior bad choices with a doozy of a bad choice.** Remember how everyone was forced into the locker room with that convicted rapist last week?* Remember how no one got raped?* Well, that ain't too cool as far as coach Canada is concerned, so he brings in a drunk French Muay Thai stud named Jean-Claude Swarovsky to… to… what?* What benefit could a bunch of aspiring fighters sequestered for six weeks and forced to train and fight get from having to deal with a drunken French Muay Thai guy?* This is like the precursor to an episode of "Cops".

Adds New Zealand jiu-jitsu sensation Jemaine Clement, "This could be the greatest experience of your life or the worst experience of your life.* We just don't know!* Also, don't look Jean-Claude Sikorsky in the eye, as he might take that as a threat.* And no sudden movements!"

Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children".* Or "Human squashes bugs".* Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents".* There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing.* A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro.* A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman.* It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.

Afterwards, the time for picking the next match-up is upon us, and as Georges St. Kill His Team is in control, the mean Canadian makes bad choice number whatever: Spencer the Page versus Banh Mi.* You see, a page is the first job a boy takes on the road to becoming a knight, but in between that job and the end goal is running a lot of errands and doing menial tasks, then becoming a squire and learning how to fight.* It's a three-stage process - and Spencer's still at the "hold on, sire, while I go get your chamber pot" stage.* In other words, Spencer the Page is in trouble.

Cut to Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's training session, which is interrupted by a visit from none other than the amazingly punch-drunk Chuck Liddell.*** "Okay Dana, I'm ready to coach," says the Mohawked One to a nearby water cooler.* "But we have to do this quick, because I have to get back to 'Dancing with the Stars'."* Grabbing a broom, Liddell begins to tango.

At first everyone seems elated to see him, but that elation fades into discomfort, and soon they all slowly return to their workouts.* Liddell is none the wiser.

More training, and we see Ban Mi jogging around the TUFF House lawn.* Before coming to the Ultimate Fighter show Ban Mi was a student at the School of Visual Arts who dropped out to sell Ecstasy to club kids on weekends, and all that running - from nightclub to nightclub and dance floor to dance floor - has been a hard habit to break.

"Maybe I should train," says Spencer the Page from a lawnchair.* "Um, naah."* Again, bad choice.

And then it's fight time.* Things go well for Spencer the Page for the first half of Round 1, as he manages to land hard and heavy on his ever-approaching Vietnamese sandwich foe.* But countless evenings spent in front of blaring dance floor speakers and staring down cruel bouncers has made Ban Mi tough, and soon he has Spencer the Page on his back and is raining down strikes.* The round ends with Ban Mi cranking a kimura.*

"I think I don't know how to fight," says Spencer the Page to coach Georges St. Heartless in between rounds.* "I think I don't learn fighting techniques until the squire stage."

"Do not worr-ee about eet," says the welterweight champ, choosing to ignore his fighter's plight.

Round 2 commences and it's just more raw beating.* When the final bell sounds, it's clear Banh Mi has earned himself the decision and his team their first win.

Afterwards, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh celebrates by pounding on the walls.* Another bad choice?* Well, the building doesn't come crashing down.* But we'll see…

Fade to black.

County Mike

10-15-2010, 12:31 PM

Sounds pretty accurate to me.

VCURamFan

10-15-2010, 02:14 PM

My favorite bit from this episode:

Cut to Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's training session, which is interrupted by a visit from none other than the amazingly punch-drunk Chuck Liddell.*** "Okay Dana, I'm ready to coach," says the Mohawked One to a nearby water cooler.* "But we have to do this quick, because I have to get back to 'Dancing with the Stars'."* Grabbing a broom, Liddell begins to tango.

Neezar

10-15-2010, 04:01 PM

My favorite bit from this episode:

One of mine from a previous:

Training time, and Team Canadian No Speak English brings in Frodo Baggins to show the kids a thing or two about fighting little people. Apparently, back in Middle Earth, Frodo is some kind of badass wrestler, and coach Georges St. Pierre wants his wards to know what it's like to face a Hobbit. Hijinks ensue. Dr. Watson is unable to cope with Frodo's giant hairy feet and tumbles to the mat. Spuds McKenzie gets blazed smoking Hobbit Leaf and falls asleep curled up in a corner. Bruce Leroy gets stuck in the doorway of a Hobbit hole, his bottom half jutting out comically from a hillside.
"Eet ees troo-ly ah-musing to see dem get beaten up," says Georges St. Pierre. I think.

:laugh:

Neezar

10-15-2010, 04:13 PM

Adds New Zealand jiu-jitsu sensation Jemaine Clement, "This could be the greatest experience of your life or the worst experience of your life.* We just don't know!* Also, don't look Jean-Claude Sikorsky in the eye, as he might take that as a threat.* And no sudden movements!"

Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children".* Or "Human squashes bugs".* Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents".* There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing.* A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro.* A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman.* It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.

:laugh:

Spiritwalker

10-15-2010, 05:16 PM

Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children".* Or "Human squashes bugs".* Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents".* There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing.* A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro.* A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman.* It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.

That's pretty damn accurate.

County Mike

10-22-2010, 12:29 PM

Where's the latest?

VCURamFan

10-22-2010, 02:12 PM

Where's the latest?

I dunno, I haven't seen it pop up in my Google Reader feed yet. Let me go do some hunting & see if I can find it.

EDIT: Ok, I checked on their website & it hasn't been posted. The guy who runs the site was live-blogging the Bellator event last night, so maybe he hasn't had time to post it yet . . .

VCURamFan

10-24-2010, 04:52 PM

Finally got posted. Here is Episode 6:

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Thanks to the spirited performance of former School of Visual Arts student and Ecstasy dealer Banh Mi, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh finally has a win to call their own, so they celebrate. There's champagne spraying everywhere, there's strippers, and at one point an assistant coach dons pagan robes and sacrifices a goat to Cthulhu. Is it excessive? Hey, anytime there's a sacrifice to Cthulhu and the sky is not torn open and giant tentacles do not emerge from the rift to lay waste to the Earth, well, I'd say hey, that's cool and no, it's not excessive. But some members of Team Georges St. What The Hell Is He Saying take great umbrage over it.

"Man, Josh Kosh B'Gosh and his team sucks," says Chris Rock on Steroids after being denied free healthcare in the locker room. "If this were Canada I'd be getting all the backrubs I want," he says, and it's then that we know he's gone completely over to the Canadian Side.

Back at the TUF House and Chris Rock on Steroids and his teammates are out back, barbecuing up some mope with a side of grilled glum. Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh is inside, still partying like it's 1999 (Banh Mi is dancing around wearing a raspberry beret - the kind you buy in a second-hand store). They're soon joined by their coaches, and together they go out to the deck to rub Team Canadia's face in their Satanic rituals and belief in Norse mythology.

"Man, you suck," says Chris Rock on Steroids to the opposing coach.

"Maybe I do," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh with a mischievous grin. "But at least I have personality and people can understand me when I talk."

"I'm a one-trick pony," interjects Spuds McKenzie, his low, plodding voice betraying either years of Oxycontin abuse or Down Syndrome. "I can do a guillotine."

Everyone stares at Spuds McKenzie blankly - even his own teammates. Eventually Josh Kosh B'Gosh nods his head and says "okay".

Thanks to Banh Mi, picking the next match-up is the responsibility of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. He chooses his best guy, Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch, to face Spuds McKenzie. The two fighters square off for the staredown, and though Marky-Marc bears a confident smirk, his opponent bows his head and makes a face that looks like a combination of a grimace and a desperate need to use the toilet. When the staredown is over, Spuds McKenzie puts his finger to Josh Kosh B'Gosh's nose and implores him to smell it.

"Dude," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh.

And now it's time for a life lesson from Mr. Incomprehensible, Georges St. Huh? Today's topic: Christ, I don't know. Dealing with bullies? Absorbing insults? Given the welterweight champ's absolute disdain for speaking in a language American viewers can understand, it's difficult to say. But there's lots of "eets" and "ree-speck" and other mauled words in there, plus he gets up and gesticulates wildly. One has to wonder if the man actually understands himself.

Time for a little training montage and personal insight into the two competitors. Marky-Marc kicks a heavybag and mentions his love of K.D. Lang music; Spuds McKenzie says that he sucks at everything related to MMA but he knows that guillotine. As if to accentuate the obvious, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh assistant coach Dave Chameleon instructs Marky-Marc to "avoid that guillotine. Avoid it. It."

Then it's fight time, and the Spuds McKenzie runs across the cage waving his arms and kicking his legs out like a bug having an epileptic seizure. Out of reflex Marky-Marc ducks his head and shoots in for the takedown - and Spuds McKenzie sinks in the guillotine. Marky-Marc is asleep before 20 seconds have elapsed.

As Spuds McKenzie and Marky-Marc's saga lasted only half an episode, there's time enough for another match-up.

On the Muppet Show everyone knew that Kermit the Frog was a frog, Miss Piggy was a pig, and the Swedish Chef was Swedish. But what the heck was Gonzo? According to later films (which are considered Muppet canon), Gonzo was some kind of alien. Well, this season of TUF has it's very own alien, a wrestler and jiu-jitsu guy named Jonathan with long blond hair, green skin, antlers, dreadlocks, scales and a tail.

As coach Georges St. Pierre now has the baton, he chooses his ward, Jonathan, to take on the Armenian Wonder.

Cue 30-second montage: Jonathan, meditating. Doing yoga. Picking flowers. Practicing calligraphy with a brush and a small bottle of ink. Meanwhile, the Armenian Wonder is smashing television sets with a baseball bat. Setting fire to a kennel. Going to expensive hotel rooms at the Bellagio and dumping a jar of bedbugs out onto the carpet.

And then they're fighting, and Jonathan - scales, antlers, green skin, tail and all - leaps onto the Armenian Wonder's back and chokes him out.

Boy, it sure does suck to be on Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, eh?

The end.

County Mike

10-25-2010, 11:44 AM

Perfect recap.

Neezar

10-25-2010, 04:48 PM

:laugh:

I love these.

VCURamFan

10-25-2010, 05:03 PM

It's always great to be reminded of just how ridiculous this show is. Mitch always makes me giggle. :laugh:

VCURamFan

10-29-2010, 05:03 PM

Grrrrrrrrr . . . he's late posting again! :punch:

wavetar

11-07-2010, 03:16 PM

Not wanting to step on toes, but...

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 7
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Often, when there's no inherent drama in a situation - like when a supposed villain isn't that bad at all or when a Canadian doesn't know enough English to merit a speaking role - a SpikeTV producer must inject something into the scene to add spice. Sometimes it means the cast stumbles upon a cache of automatic weapons or a suitcase full of mob money. Sometimes it means telling cast members that their relatives have died (whether they have or not is irrelevant). And sometimes it means adding characters. But first!

There's one semifinal match-up left, and by the process of elimination we can surmise that it's going to be Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's Armenian Fighter Wannabe # 34 vs. Joe Native American. Everyone agrees that Joe Native American sucks, from Dana White to Georges St. Pierre to Joe Native American to the janitor, and they voice their opinions in candid one-on-ones with the camera.

The scene switches to the obligatory training montage. Joe Native American has pretty much gotten no screen time in the prior six episodes, which leads us to believe he's got zero personality and nothing about him worth talking about, so drunken French Muay Thai master Jean-Claude Van Hairy is thrust into the spotlight. You know, to add spice.

Says Jean-Claude Van Hairy after drinking a six-pack of Zima and half a bottle of Gordon's Gin: "Ah, oui…" There's retching sounds and then vomiting, and the kicboxer wipes off his chin. "Oui. Bien sur."

Meanwhile, in the Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34's life, there's talk of gunshot wounds, gangs and sweaters knitted out of the copious body hair an Armenian female generates in a year. There's also judo in there, studied since week nine in the womb, and we're led to believe that Joe Native American is in trouble. Grave trouble.

Unfortunately, none of this is moving the needle in the "Interesting-O-Meter", so a SpikeTV producer gets central casting on the phone.

Central casting: "Hello?"

SpikeTV producer: "Yeah, I need someone menacing. Someone not really a fighter, but who you'd think would be capable of fighting. But nothing too obvious - no prison escapees, no assassins, no crazies. What do you got?"

Central casting: "Hmmm… Menacing? Fighter but not a fighter? And nothing too obvious? How about a big black guy who works in the medical industry?"

SpikeTV: "Fantastic! Send him down."

And so there you have it, the reason why a heretofore unseen character is thrust into the cauldron of conflict, the reason why Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks into the TUF Training Center and starts beefing with the opposing team's "medic".

"Yes, I am the medic," says the new guy, his voice a monotone as he reads his lines from an index card in his palm. "And I will take no crap from you, Mr. Josh B'Kosha… K'Boshi…Kosh-Kosh-"

"Josh Kosh B'Gosh!" comes an urgent whisper from off-camera.

"Mr. Josh Kosh B'Gosh," says the new guy.

And then it's time for the coaches' challenge. That's right, that special time when the two opposing MMA fighters at the helm of each team must compete in some activity so inane and unrelated that the word "comedy" doesn't even come close to describing it (usually "tragedy" is more accurate). Once BJ Penn and Jens Pulver had to ride a bucking bronco (together - same bull). Another time Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz had to perform open-heart surgery (both patients died). Well, this time Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh must hit baseballs. Oh the insanity! The hijinks! Ah, who am I kidding, it's lame. Georges St. Pierre doesn't speak a lick of English and he's never seen a baseball bat in his life, so of course Josh Kosh B'Gosh kicks his butt. There's a stack of money involved and it goes to the American, but if any of that is meant to add additional spice to the proceeds… um, fail.

Fight time, and Joe Native American and Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 mix it up against the cage for most of their bout, Joe Native American trying for a guillotine and somehow, someway using dark magick to avoid the perils of the Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34's alleged judo prowess. He still gets beat on, just not as badly.

"Wow, Joe Native American's not getting his ass kicked," says Dana White from his perch cageside. "As 'not getting your ass kicked' is a part of the judging criteria, he may actually win this!"

But it's not, and he doesn't, and Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 takes the decision after two rounds.

Afterwards, Dana White gathers the two coaches in his lair. With clipboards in hand, they discuss which fighters should get a second chance and compete in the wildcard match-up. Both coaches agree that Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some deserves another shot (despite him being pretty battered and bruised from his scrap with Chris Rock on Steroids). But for slot number two Josh Kosh B'Gosh thinks Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch should be the man; Georges St. Pierre wants Joe Native American. "Sum-times I do tings dat dee-fy logic an' ree-son," says the Canadian. "For een-stance, I agreed to coach when I do not speak En-glish so well."

Dana White shakes his head.

"See what I have to work with?" Josh Kosh B'Gosh says in exasperation.

So Eye-run Wal-king Some and Marky-Marc it is!

wavetar

11-07-2010, 03:20 PM

And part 8...

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 8 -
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

The wildcard match-up! The wildcard match-up! It's all about the wildcard match-up! Does Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch deserve a second chance after crapping the bed in his first semifinal bout? Should it have been Joe Native American in his place instead? No one disagrees with Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some being there, because he does make an effort to speak the language, but was no one else beside Marky-Mark worthy? Andy My Main Man thinks he was worthy, and he says so from a throne erected in the living room of the TUF House.

"I was worthy," he says, a diamond-studded cane in one hand and a scantily-clad brunette reclining on a purple pillow at his feet.

"My main man!" shouts P. Diddy as he cruises by the house in the back of a white stretch HUMVEE limousine.

"I was worthy too," adds Jeffrey Livingston Lentz.

"I like pickles," says Jonathan, who could very well be an alien or some sort of human-muppet hybrid. "Or maybe I like cucumbers."

But fight Marky-Mark and Eye-run Wal-king Some will, so they continue to train, side-by-side as usual and even going so far as to braid each other's hair and hold hands on the treadmill. "We'll always be friends forever," says the fox. "Yeah, friends forever," says the hound.

However, not "friends forever" is Josh Kosh B'Gosh and the "medic", who was added to the cast last week because the coach vs. coach dynamic has generated so much heat a snowflake would say, "Jesus, it's cold in here." And that's not good television.

"You are a male nurse," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh to the medic when both are back at the locker rooms.

The medic puffs out his chest, opens his mouth, but seemingly forgets what he was supposed to say. He pauses to glance at the index card in his palm. "Uh, no. I am not," he retorts in a monotone. Someone off-screen hands him a waste paper basket and gives Josh Kosh B'Gosh a plunger. "And now, we will fight," says the medic.

The two spar comically for a bit, and when it's time for the wildcard fight weigh-in, their battle spills out into the main training room, where Josh Kosh B'Gosh manages to pull the medic's shorts down.

"Stop, I am naked," says the medic, and he shuffles around with his shorts around his ankles and then does a poorly-staged pratfall on his face. When the medic rises a questionable scuffle ensues - Josh Kosh B'Gosh shouting "male nurse!" and the medic fumbling for his index card and his scripted response - and from his post near the scale Nevada State Athletic Commission Grand Poobah Keith Kizer yells, "Hey, cut it out, Nevada ain't sanctioning no works." But before the "fight" can get broken up, Joe Native American takes an errant pompom in the face and storms off angry.

Both Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh follow him, and corner him in the hallway.

"You do not 'ave to, er, get so up-set, Joseph Nay-tif Ameri-cain. It ees all just a ploy to git bet-terr ray-teens," says the Canadian in Canada-Speak.

Meanwhile, back at the TUF House Bruce Leroy and Chris Rock on Steroids don't get along. They're aren't urinating on each other's comforters, scrapping on the patio or threatening each other with bodily harm, but there's at least a moderate dislike. In the background a SpikeTV producer can be heard cackling with glee, and their "feud" is given camera time.

"Yeah, if I had to, I would fight him," says Chris Rock on Steroids. Oh, the tension as the two UFC aspirants tuck each other into bed!

It's almost fight time, but before that joy a producer hands Eye-run Wal-king Some a telephone. On the other end is someone purporting to be the Brit's mom. "Eye-run? Your Nana is dead."

Eye-run Wal-king Some squints. "Uh, ma? She died years ago."

"Yes. But she's still dead."

And then it's fight time, and Marky-Mark is large and in charge throughout Round 1, looking like a true number-one TUF draft pick. He gets his opponent down easily and demonstrates a variety of jiu-jitsu techniques, including the "almost armbar" and the "almost triangle". Unfortunately, Eye-run Wal-king Some knows how to do that complicated move known as the "guillotine", and in Round 2 Marky-Mark is caught in it. He taps out.

"I guess I need to learn how to defend against the guillotine," Marky-Mark says to the camera at the Post-Fight Tree Confessional.

With the wildcard bout all taken care of, Dana White calls the two coaches into his Den of Sin. Why? Because it's time to make the quarterfinal match-ups, and he usually likes hear what the coaches have to say about the matter. Sadly, the language problem rears its ugly head.

"Eet would be an een-terr-est-ting fight, er, if a lion and a ti-gerr fought with-in the cage, I tink," says Georges St. What? "Wid dat in mind, perhaps pair-ring up Chris Rock on de Stair-oyds and may-bee Bruce Lee-roy would, er, make for…"

"Oh my God, please stop talking," says Dana White.

And with that, he shoos them out and makes the match-ups on his own. His choices, which he announces to the remaining fighters assembled in the TUF Gym: Jonathan vs. Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, Spuds McKenzie vs. Banh Mi, Dr. Watson vs. Eye-run Wal-king Some, and Chris Rock on Steroids vs. Bruce Leroy.

The end.

VCURamFan

11-09-2010, 05:05 PM

Thanks, wave, I appreciate you picking up my slack. I've trying to help out my buddy, Alex (just lost his dad), so other things have kinda fallen by the wayside.

VCURamFan

11-12-2010, 05:01 PM

Episode 9:

The quarterfinal match-ups are upon us, and by now, after so many weeks in the TUF House and so many training sessions and so many fights, everyone knows everything about everyone else. For instance, it's no secret Dr. Watson likes to solve crimes. And all are well aware that Jeremiah Johnson Lentz is running a meth lab in the backroom of the TUF Gym and that Andy My Main Man is a part-time pimp. Also not a secret: Jonathan is some kind of non-human creature (a white-ish Na'vi?) who favors the rear naked choke, and Armenians are a sucker for a good rear naked choke.
Which is problematic for Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, who must face Jonathan in unarmed combat.

"That's sound advice," says coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh later on. "Seriously, just avoid giving up your back altogether. In fact, if you can somehow keep your back pressed up against the cage - like, immediately, the second the referee says "go" - you should be able to stay out of trouble."

Jonathan, meanwhile, likes to sit out in the yard and commune with nature. Or stay away from humans. Who knows.

"Everyone in the house thinks they're in the UFC," he says, his tail twitching behind him. "But we're not. They are on Terra, which is what you homo sapiens call Earth."

It's almost fight time, but before then, we're treated to Georges St. What The Heck Is He Saying? talking about either a) new coaching methodologies; b) giraffes; c) gibberish and how it's an effective way of speaking. Either way, we get to see him dance around, gesticulate like a lunatic and maul English words like a rabid pitbull that chomps on Schoolhouse Rock cartoon characters. At this stage in the game, you can't hold it against the Canadian for subjecting us to his incoherent diatribes. You can only resent the SpikeTV execs for putting the man before the camera in the first place.

And then Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 and Jonathan are in the Octagon mixing it up. Actually, they're not mixing up so much as they're re-enacting Jonathan's other TUF 12 bout with the Armenian Wonder. Takedown, back-control, rear naked choke, tap. Seriously, when it comes to falling for that submission, it has to be a genetic predisposition or something.

Next up, Banh Mi versus Spuds McKenzie - a match-up that pits a laid-back and kindly Vietnamese kid who used to sell Ecstasy against a weird dude who talks like he's mentally disabled. Spuds McKenzie has won 50 or so fights via guillotine (including one over Marky-Marc), so like with Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, the advice just keeps rolling in.

And bang, it's fight time again. Spuds McKenzie does not go for the guillotine, as at no time does Banh Mi duck his head and shoot for a takedown; instead, the taller fighter presses the Vietnamese kid against the fence and punishes him. Though widely renown as an inferior fighter, Spuds McKenzie takes the round. However, all those quick wins via submission did his cardio no favors, and he has nothing in his tank for Round 2. Banh Mi promptly punches him in the gut and TKOs him.

Afterwards, Spuds McKenzie is despondent about tasting loss for the first time in his career.

I must be some special kind of idiot for ignoring this thread for so long! Oh my goodness!
I've been sitting in my office laughing like a half-wit this afternoon. Or at least I WAS until the unfortunate York Peppermint Patty choking incident. (It burns! IT BURRRRRNS!!!) :scared0011:

VCURamFan

11-13-2010, 12:55 PM

I must be some special kind of idiot for ignoring this thread for so long! Oh my goodness!
I've been sitting in my office laughing like a half-wit this afternoon. Or at least I WAS until the unfortunate York Peppermint Patty choking incident. (It burns! IT BURRRRRNS!!!) :scared0011:
Hahahahahahahaha :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

Did it feel like the top of a mountain was stuck in your throat?

wavetar

11-19-2010, 11:12 AM

Episode 10:

Fade in to a SpikeTV producer in a dimly-lit room, leaning over an editor who is in turn leaning over an editing console and a pair of monitors.

"So we tried adding a drunken French kickboxer into the mix," says the producer. "That was good for maybe one and a half episodes. Then we added a convicted rapist. Then we added a 'medic', then some unknown high-ranking wrestler. What's left on the list of ratings boosters?"

The editor reaches for a clipboard on his desk, begins reading aloud from it. "Uh, we still have that actress who will come onto the set claiming to be Georges St. Pierre's secret wife. There's also that kid who will claim to be St. Pierre's illegitimate son. And there's still that kidnapping-and-ransom plot we can throw in, the hostage situation, and, uh, that whole rampaging escaped rhinoceros thing."

"Is that it?" asks the producer. "Nothing less… blatant?"

The editor stares at the clipboard some more. "Ah, yes. There's a boxing trainer. Freddie Roach. We have him down as guest training St. Pierre's team and accidentally killing one of them."

"Hmmm…" says the producer, considering the options. Then he snaps his finger and points at one of the monitors. "Okay, we'll use the boxing trainer, but no deaths. We need to inject some life into this thing yet nothing too over-the-top."

"Done," says the editor with a nod.

And so that's how another character is added to this emotionally-devoid season of "The Ultimate Boring". But first!

A quarterfinal match-up between Dr. Watson and Eye-run Wal-king Some looms. And by "looms", I mean, we see them saying "yeah, we're going to fight," and then boom, they're making their way to the Octagon before five minutes have elapsed in the episode.

"Don't get choked out," coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh advises his British ward. But Eye-run Wal-king Some has other ideas, and when the ref yells "fight!" the Brit promptly lies down on his stomach and lets Dr. Watson take his back. The ensuing rear naked choke is purely academic, the inevitable tap out a sad testament to how no one - not even the fighters themselves - is really giving a crap anymore.

"Damn," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh, apparently believing that a coach's role extends only as far as shouting last-second advice as your fighter steps into the cage.

Says Georges St. Mumble: "Dese guys, day real-ee 'ate each other, so nat-chur-lee, day must fight." Whatever.

Cut to the guest appearance of boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach, who coached Rocky Balboa to a gutsy win in his rematch against Ivan Drago, and who taught Cain how to swing a rock for his bout against Abel. Freddie Roach holds the pads for the alien Jonathan ("Good hand speed, but what the hell is this guy? A muppet?"), holds the pads for Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy ("What does that cue card say? 'Boy, these guys really hate each other'?), and holds the pads for no one, standing there and telling an imaginary boxer that his jab is fast.

There's also some kind of faux-static with Josh Kosh B'Gosh somehow blaming the last quarterfinal match-up on Georges St. All Smiles No Discernible Words, like, the pairing is the fault of the Canadian's machinations. But we know better. This season has produced so much coach vs. coach heat that volcanoes are like, "Whoa, guys, chill out." This is just one more excuse for these two to hate each other passionately and tack on an extra 300,000 consumers for their future pay-per-view fight.

And then Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy are fighting, Bruce Leroy in his yellow jumpsuit with his afro swaying to and fro, Chris Rock on Steroids talking about how awesome the "Rush Hour" films were and how he was supposed to star in the "Karate Kid" remake with Jackie Chan but that "Chinese son of a bitch screwed me." For all his flashy kicks and wild techniques, though, Bruce Leroy can't help but fall prey to his opponent's wrestling, and Chris Rock on Steroids picks him up and dumps onto the canvas over and over and over again. Though tired in Round 2, Chris Rock keeps up with the punishment. Bruce Leroy - unable to summon the mythical "Glow" - loses the decision.

"That fight sucked," Josh Kosh B'Gosh says angrily to Georges St. Has No Business Even Pretending He Can Speak English.

"Hey, go easy, man," says Mount Kilauea in Hawaii.

Post-fight and Dana White calls the coaches into his lair to determine the final two match-ups. There's no fanfare, there's no conflict (which is pretty much typical of this season). Both coaches and UFC president agree that Chris Rock on Steroids should face Banh Mi (which leaves Dr. Watson facing Jonathan). They in turn tell the remaining fighters.

Cut to the dimly-lit room. The SpikeTV producer is staring at the monitor. Slowly he begins shaking his head. "You know what?" he says.

"What?" says the editor.

"This sucks. Get the zoo on the phone. We're going to need that rhinoceros."

And so we come to the end, the final double episode where all loose ends are tied up and all targeted demographics that were overlooked get their time in the sun. For the alien viewers, we're treated to Na'vi/Muppet hybrid Jonathan skulking in the foliage of the TUF House backyard. For the gays, we're treated to Banh Mi spanking it in the shower and a half dozen dudes watching and giggling like girls. For the subscribers of "Facial Hair Weekly", we're treated to Dr. Watson going from a full beard to a goatee to a clean-shaven mug in the span of six narrated sentences. But first!

Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who - aside from Banh Mi - all got their asses kicked and are now just killing time and stealing anything not nailed down, are having a group therapy session, venting about what they feel was substandard training. You see, coach Georges St. Christ I Can't Understand Him brought in an assortment of guest coaches, like convicted rapist Mike Tyson, Crazy Drunk French Muay Thai Guy, some wrestler, a jazz pianist and a rabbi who specializes in cooking kosher food. Meanwhile, they were stuck with the staff from American Kickboxing Academy, and what the hell does a kickboxing school know about mixed martial arts?

To accentuate the team's dissatisfaction, Marky-Marc begins doing impressions of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. This includes him spraying Chris Leben with a hose, getting knocked out by Paulo Thiago, and winning 13 out of 17 UFC fights. In true comedic fashion, Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks in at the end of the routine, but one can only assume he approves, as he steps behind the bar and starts pouring everyone shots.

Meanwhile, nestled among the branches of a large tree out back, Jonathan talks of being humble, and never losing sight of who he is and who he wants to be. Also, these damn humans are annoying with their cars and pollution and microwave ovens.
"Damn humans," Jonathan hisses while dangling upside down, his tail twitching to and fro.

Back in the TUF House and everyone is conspiring. You see, they suspect Banh Mi has been beating his meat in the shower, and as roughly forty percent of the show's advertising sales comes from gay-targeted products, something "fabulous" must be done.

"I say we throw a party with streamers and a karaoke machine that plays only show tunes," says Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34.

"No, no, no," says Bruce Leroy. "We should all dress up as our favorite female performers and have a dance-off. I'll be Diana Ross."

Eye-run Wal-king Some snaps his fingers. "I've got it! Let's run into the bathroom while he's taking a shower!"

And so they do, and the camera dutifully follows them in so we can see a naked Banh Mi looking dismayed as he reaches for a towel.

At the gym and Dr. Watson is preparing. First, by doing some light exercises, then by changing his facial hairstyle from "mountain man" to "Old West villain" to "hipster" to "young dude going out on his first date". While this transformation is going on, Dr. Watson is narrating, something about fighting and ditching his girlfriend and his dogs and how he learned to be a master of disguise to keep his girlfriend and dogs from ever finding him.

Thankfully, it's time for Jonathan and Dr. Watson to fight, and once they start mixing it up, it becomes apparent that Jonathan won't have as easy a time as he did in his earlier bouts. That is to say, in the first couple minutes Dr. Watson manages to pop him a few times in the chops with his fists. But then it's all Jonathan until the final bell of the third round, the alien creature throwing Dr. Watson around and battering him with punches nonstop. Jonathan takes the unanimous decision, thereby earning himself a berth in the finals.

Next up is Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids, and for being a dude who takes showers naked and may or may not be touching himself, Banh Mi is ostracized and ridiculed and made to wear a scarlet "A" on his TUF jersey. Even Jonathan, who strives to keep himself apart from "those filthy Earthlings", notices how completely alone Banh Mi is.

"Humans. Damn," says Jonathan from his hiding place in the hollowed-out insides of a stump.

And then it's time for Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids to fight. True to form, the Vietnamese Ecstasy dealer lets himself get beat on throughout the first round, though when taken down he does dish some right back in the form of elbows to the head. Still, despite landing some hellacious body shots in Round 2, Banh Mi continues to take punishment, with Chris Rock on Steroids throwing wildly and landing about a third of the time. Both men are exhausted in the final round, but neither gives up, and up until the end they're throwing hard. The split decision goes to Chris Rock on Steroids.

And there you have it, the final TUF 12 match-up between Jonathan the alien/Muppet/God-knows-what thingy versus Chris Rock on Steroids. But if there's anything to take away from this season, any pertinent fact to file away and keep in mind for future use, it's: GEORGES ST. PIERRE CAN'T SPEAK COHERENT ENGLISH. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE SPEAKING ROLES.
The end.