Vermont, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Maryland, North Carolina, Ohio, Indiana, Florida, Illinois, Arkansas, Missouri, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Utah, Alaska and Hawaii were exempt from the list of shame after displaying that they were actually aware of what makes a decent Valentine’s Day gift. The rest of the country, however, seems to have different ideas as to gift ideas.

Maine — Robert Burns
In case you were also wondering who Robert Burns was, as I was, he was a Scottish poet. Because honestly nothing says I love you like 200-year-old Scottish Poetry.

Kentucky — Couples Tattoos
I can’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s Day than to have my partner’s face tattooed on my chest.

New Hampshire — Stuffed Animal
Forget actually searching for something specific, the generic stuffed animal search is sure to blow her away.
“Here you go honey, I’m not exactly sure what animal it is, could be a bear, could be a dog, or it could even be a groundhog but happy Valentine’s Day!”

Massachusetts — Couples Cooking Classes
She used to yell at you for not cooking often enough, now she will yell at you because you messed up the asparagus and made her look bad in front of the entire group. Lose-lose situation here.

New York — Romantic Motel
Let me know when you find a motel that you deem to be romantic enough to spend Valentine’s Day in.

Pennsylvania — Edible Underwear
The candles are lit, rose petals cover the bed, and there you sit… wearing your edible underwear. Fantastic, Pennsylvania. You are really firing on all cylinders with that one.

Arizona — Jacquie Lawson eCards
This doesn’t look good no matter how you try to play it off.

Delaware — Gift Cards
The ultimate “I put absolutely no thought into this” gift. “This is our 10th Valentine’s together so I thought it would only be appropriate to get you this $10 iTunes gift card to commemorate our time together.”

Virginia — Karma Sutra
The book was written in 400 BC and is about human sexual behavior. It has all the makings of a fantastic read.

West Virginia — Cheap Gifts
Don’t worry. I’m sure that when you explain to her how you’re “balling on a budget,” she will totally understand where you’re coming from.

South Carolina — Matching Outfits
The couples that wear matching outfits are probably also the same people who don’t vaccinate their kids, rock high white tube socks, and drive mini-vans.

Colorado — Couples Yoga
This has intramural season-ending injury written all over it.

Michigan — Ballroom Dancing Lessons
I can’t think of too many people who I know that are just dying to have someone make minor adjustments to their arm placement and direct them to move in a circle for two hours.

Nevada — Frederick’s of Hollywood
I understand this store is just a shittier version of Victoria’s Secret, so go there instead.

Tennessee — Cheap Sex Toys
Tennessee is just operating on a different level of shamelessness here. “I cannot put into words how in love with you I am, so here, I got you this sex toy on my way home from work at the gas station. The guy said to be careful due to the fact that parts can sometimes overheat and burn you but I’m sure it works fine.

Georgia — Satin Pajamas
I’ve never seriously considered acquiring a pair, so that may be the reason as to why I am skeptical.

Alabama — Lord Byron
AKA more fucking poetry.

Mississippi — Mixtape
Think about how proud and excited she will be to tell her parents that you gave her your mixtape. If her dad didn’t already hate you, he sure will now.

Louisiana — Silk Sheets
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the actual gift is what happens in the sheets, not the sheets themselves.

Iowa — Tandem Bicycle
She’ll get this for you and then refuse to do any of the pedaling. Life’s a bitch sometimes.