Lola Chevrolét,
our woman who is no stranger to a big stick, uncovers the hidden talents
of one of the Internet's leading Satirists

Left: some of Mr Tree's astonishing wooden masterpieces

In these highly competitive and overly commercialised
times it is not often that Great Britain can be said to lead the world,
but in the ancient skill of turning wood into pleasure, few British craftsmen
can equal Mr Tree

Utterpants
was privileged to be invited to the annual Wood Lovers Convention,
held in the picturesque surroundings of Deep Bottom, Hampshire, the
country seat of the renowned philanthropist and Aesthete, Sir Percy
Mountjoy (64) and his ravishing, new young wife, the charming, Ukrainian-born
Nadya (16).

Among the demonstrators displaying their consummate skills to the open-mouthed
crowd of admiring ladies, was none other than our own Assistant Editor
and social historian, Mr
Derek Tree—an acknowledged master of his craft, by all—including
himself.

The aptly named Mr Tree told Utterpants
he has had an intense fascination with wood as a means of bringing
pleasure to even the most jaded of ladies, since early childhood,
or more specifically, the day his family's housemaid slipped on the
stairs and landed in his lap whilst he was in the process of polishing
a particularly fine, beech finial.

It was almost inevitable, therefore, that wood would one day become
central to his working life, and the lives of those his fascinating
hobby has captivated.
As he modestly explained: "After college, I tried all sorts of
jobs, including animal husbandry and pet
grooming—well, pussy grooming to be precise, but I always
enjoyed the sensation of wood stirring in my hands and increasingly
I felt I wanted to allow others to share the enormous pleasure it gave
me."

It was an interest that was to change his entire life.
He bought several, illustrated books and instructional DVD’s on
the Internet and quickly set about the task of teaching himself how
to introduce wood more intimately into people's lives. It was not long
before his indefatigable enthusiasm and his not inconsiderable natural
abilities were producing high quality, hand crafted ladies' hair brushes,
ornamental broom
handles, candlesticks and all manner of long, knobbly, decorative
items.

Initially, Mr Tree sold his imaginative creations through the Unmarried
Young Mothers Association, where there was an eager market for
his remarkable wares, but it was not long before his work became noticed
and much sought after—especially by American
women who apparently cannot get enough seasoned, British wood.

We began by asking him what was uppermost in his mind when working
with wood.Mr Tree: "The thing about wood is that it
not only has to look good from all angles and wear well, but be comfortable
and reasonably light because it has to be movable, and of course, it
has to sustain the weight of a person."Utterpants:
"Weight, Mr Tree?"Mr Tree: "Um..well, some ladies sit on my wood
you know."Utterpants:
"Why is that?"Mr Tree: "I've really no idea, possibly to form
a closer bond with the material. Women are very tactile creatures, you
know."

Utterpants
discovered that the indefatigable Mr Tree will happily produce a brush
to individual customer specifications, from contemporary styles modelled
on animals like the
rabbit or the python to charming Roman Centurion's batons, or alternatively
create a design all of his own. His aim is always to ensure that customers
get just what they want, although he did draw the line at producing
a set of ebony candlesticks featuring a carving of Tony Blair on the
shaft.
Said Mr Tree: "I told her that if she really wanted to fuck the
Prime Minister, she would need something a lot bigger than a candlestick!"

A lifetime love of caring for wood has made Mr Tree acutely aware of
environmental issues and the global threat to many species of tree.
He was clearly saddened by the decline in the once prevalent and luxuriant
Holly bush. As he explained: "I will only use sustainable English
wood. I particularly love working
with cherry, which is probably my favourite. It is a very smooth,
slippery, almost sensuous material, which looks extremely good and will
take a lot of rough handling."

His flair and competence as a wood lover are not only recognised by
the legions of customers from all over the world who clamour to handle
his wares, but equally by his own contemporaries. He is one of only
nine arborisists to have been offered membership to the exclusive Register
of Professional Wood Lovers of Great Britain—membership being
determined by the level of skill attained, which in Mr Tree's case,
is unquestionably, profound.

He has lately become very active in the field of education, and has
written several books on the subject of wood and wood care. "There
is a considerable amount of pleasure in being fortunate enough to possess
a skill and then being able to pass it on to other people," he
told Utterpants.

When away from his beloved wood, 55-year-old Mr Tree likes nothing
better than taking time to appreciate the beauty of the London landscape,
especially lingering over an upthrust bottom, or a deep, wooded valley,
or pruning his neighbours' bushes, often followed by the more leisurely
pursuit of chocolate
body painting.

A devoted family man with six sons and three daughters, Mr Tree has
lived all his life in London, where he enjoys showing young and attractive
female tourists Big Ben and Nelson's Column. Even after twenty years,
he is still as excited about working with wood as he was in his teens.
As he enthused to Utterpants:
"I love it. Wood has given me so much enjoyment over the years,
and still does. I eagerly look forward to the start of every day, knowing
that the wood I handle in the morning could be giving untold pleasure
to a lonely woman by tea time. Wood is my life."