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AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were shouting to each other at a Denny's.

@NotReallyATerrorist: Hey, are we going to plant that bomb soon?

@NotATerroristEither: Sure, what time are you thinking we should plant the bomb?

@NotReallyATerrorist: Let's see, I could plant the bomb with you at 2:00 on Friday. Shall we meet at 2:00 on Friday to plant our bomb?

@NotATerroristEither: That's a good time for bomb planting. We'll meet at 2:00 on Friday at the park so we can plant our bomb. We'll use Steve's red minivan.

@NotATerroristEither: @FBI, Does the Pope wear a funny hat? Of course we're messing with you. #AreYouNewHere

Still, that doesn't mean the FBI won't keep their eyes open, just in case the terrorists slip up and post a map to their hideout on Instagram.

According to the guide's introduction, "This list has about 2,800 entries you should find useful in your work or for keeping up with your children and/or grandchildren. The DI's Intelligence Research Support Unit (IRSU) has put together an extensive — but far from exhaustive — list of shorthand acronyms used in Twitter and other social media venues such as instant messages, Facebook, and MySpace."

Seriously, MySpace? WTF? (What the, uh, heck?) Is that even a thing anymore? Are you guys checking AOL too? When you take a break from your Space Invaders tournament on your Atari, maybe you can run a check on eWorld and Prodigy.

(If you weren't online back in the '90s, believe me, that joke was hysterical.)

The FBI has scoured their 13 year old daughters' cell phones and chat programs and come up with all the acronyms you would expect: YOLO (you only live once), BRB (be right back), AFC (away from computer), and OMG (oh my God). There's also ZOMG, which the FBI calls "enhanced OMG," but the rest of the world knows as "Zoh my God!"

But there were a few odd ones that I, and every other Twitter user, have never used.

"Would you like a bowl of cream to go with that remark?" (WYLABOCTGWTR) is one that was never seen on Twitter prior to June 17, when the FBIEEPTSD (FBI's 88 Page Twitter Slang Dictionary) came out. Then, it became a popular word, because everyone was L-ing their AOs (laughing their, uh, butts off) at it.

But the FBI is taking it all in stride. "Pardon me, you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn" (PMYMHMMFSWGAD) they have said to their scoffers and naysayers. We know this because "PMYMHMMFSWGAD" is on page 54 of the FBIEEPTSD.

The problem is words like this are turning the guide into just another foolish tome of government drivel, and the FBI is looking more than a little overeager and unnecessarily thorough.

Having worked in state government for a time, and getting to know how the law enforcement and military minds work, I'm not surprised that 1) they created a guide for Internet slang, 2) they found/created 2,800 different slang terms., and 3) they would print a guide for electronic communication on paper. Only the law enforcement types would create an alphabetical list of every letter combination known to man, and then use it as part of a strategy that relies on the hope that the bad guys don't have cell phones.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

See, you're already doing it. I can't even say four words without you opening your mouth and well-actuallying all over everything.

What is wrong with you, Well Actually Guy? How did you become that one annoying guy on Facebook who responds to every opinion with "Well, actually. . ."

"Well, actually" you'll explain the punchlines of jokes.

"Well, actually," you'll argue about a single statistic in a news article for hours.

Well Actually Guy likes to point out when things are technically correct, even though those details are not important to the discussion. In fact, Well Actually Guy likes to throw in these minor technical corrections as a way to derail a story, or call an entire philosophical argument into question.

We should call it "wagging," or use the hashtag #WAG. As in, "Did you just #WAG me?"