Unfortunately, our game is at 9PM this week. Unfortunately,
we play PurpleSaurus Rex. Unfortunately, they are coming in hot as last place
in the league. We’re not going to be mean about it, but we are going to
absolutely destroy this team.It’s going
to feel horrible. Horrible for them to have every last ounce of pride stripped
from their souls. And horrible for us to go home after, and fall asleep knowing
we did that to those people. It will be all the more horrible, knowing that we
did it with our 5th string team thrown out on the field. Knowing
that with an all-girls infield, we still took them down without breaking a
sweat. I’m not looking forward to Thursday night at all. But as humanitarian members
of this league, we will take a deep breath, get out there and do what we need
to do. We will put our personal feelings aside, and hand this ridiculous loss
to PurpleSaurus Rex. We will do it knowing that every league needs a leader.
And without us, Texas Live Spring 2014 would have none. We will play Thursday
night for the good people of this league. We tip our hats to you all. Smooches.

And is it any surprise? Last season, Hannah handed us our
only defeat of the regular season. Needless to say, we’re looking forward to
redeeming ourselves and taking the win this
time. Repeat of last season?! NEVER!

Hannah has only lost one other game, and that was to another
strong team: SMK. So we know they’re good. But Snappin’ is planning to keep our
place in the standings and we’re not giving up anything without a fight!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

According to Coach Jay, the Teabaggers will give us our first "tough" game of the season this week.
Let’s put it this way – I’m not concerned. Who are the Teabaggers anyway? If I
can’t remember you, you don’t actually exist.

In more exciting news, this will be the debut game for Mr.
and Mrs. Dr. Shannon Russell. Jay will be sporting his post-Mexico sunburn
splotches and Shan will be looking all wifey and shit. The more I think about
it, the more I know in my heart that we should HH. We owe it to the Russell’s to celebrate them
for the 8th time this month, and the Teabaggers annoy me. Let’s lube
up at El Mercado around 6. If you're not sure if you're invited, you're not.

Oh South By….not only do you disrupt the flow of traffic in
Austin, but you also disrupt the flow of kickball season. Luckily SXSW always makes
for an awesome time or this might be unacceptable. Regardless, we had alcohol-fueled
shenanigans OFF the field last week, and now it’s time to get back to
alcohol-fueled shenanigans ON the field this week.

Last game we faced off against PPTSWU 2.0 in a game that apparently
was a lot closer than some people were expecting.

Considering they played us after a double-header against
Hannah Montana and we still had a close game, this is a team to watch.

Up next, we battle Pitches Be Crazy and will try to
continue our winning streak against a team that has one win and looking for
another. Be forewarned, we come armed with skills that are totally useless
except for in kickball…

The
story began a long time before you and I. But to save time (mainly my
own), I'm going to begin in 2014. There are riots(and worse) in in
Ukraine, Venezuela and Turkey. It's becoming more and more likely that
aliens abducted a 777 Dreamliner full of people. The thursday night kickball league in Austin, Texas is as volatile as ever...It's POPPIN! Let's examine that further.

I'll go ahead and start with the most recent game. We
played against an amazing team called Kicks Like Jesus, formerly known
as the Health Alliance for Austin Musicians team (just kidding, there
was no affiliation, and only one 'A'). This was a game that will be
remembered for many seasons to come... It had it all; heroic plays,
bewilderment, danger, and even suspense.

The game began like any other: I was talking to
someone, and then realized the first inning was about halfway through. I
said to whomever I was talking to the same thing I say every game; "Oh
shit, I didn't realize the game had started! Seems like this happens
every game!"

I found a small un-mowed portion of grass at the
base of the support cable for the power-line. I got the attention of one
of the new players on the team and said "See this? This is what you
want - you wanna stash your stuff in a tuft of grass like this. You can
put anything in here - booze, condoms, cigarettes, grass, liqour, you
name it."

He
pondered it a second and then responded to the effect of "My beer's in
my friend's backpack, but... I guess I could stash some cigs, cool if I
share that spot?" Of course it was ok. That was the first time I had
ever used a tuft of grass to stash things.

First 3-6 people go, maybe we scored, maybe we didn't.
It's time for me to go in to my position at 1st. I focus in on the play.
My mission is to not get distracted as the first ball it pitched, and
get to the ball or base as fast as possible. My body is poised, strung
up like a bow and arrow ready to be released and hurdle towards it's
target at high speeds.

There
it goes...Huh? I didn't see what happened somehow. I asked the guy
standing in as first base base coach for KLJ what happened. He said
"That guy over there caught it somehow. It was actually pretty amazing,
haha."

There it goes...Bam, misfire.

Second
ball bounces and is caught by one of my teammates , and I stretch out
diagonally with my foot on the base and catch a ball just after a girl
runs through first... I'm assuming; that felt like it was safe. But I
didn't see what happened; I was focused on the ball. The ref called her
'out'. What? I thought she was safe, but I was wrong! It was then it was
time to act like I didn't think it was a big deal as our team cheered.
Then I fucked up a difficult but not impossible catch after that.

So anyway the game ended up tying, so... neither
team lost.Then we played flip cup with them, and we ALMOST played a game
of flip cup for the tie-breaker, but both teams mutually agreed not
too... which worked out in our favor, because our team had horrible
luck, (or horrible skill, whatever you wanna call it).

7:46 AM – Various members of Relax wake up. Joey is already
in an Operating Room supervising a surgery. Hutch gives his booty call a classy
kiss on the cheek and sneaks out in silence. Dre snuggles deeper in his sheets
and remembers the one catch he made successfully last night. He giggles in
delight. Everyone takes a moment to
reflect on how great it is to be a member of Relax, and throws in a prayer for
those less fortunate.

It's going to be short and sweet this week. Why? Because I'm in NOLA bitches! Mardi Gras!

Here's the important stuff you're dying to know:

1)
I may have (probably) saved Stephen Moursund's life when I selflessly
blocked a rogue kickball from nailing him in the head when he wasn't
paying attention. Then we hugged it out. It was kind of magical.

2)
Three weeks in to the season and the Sons of Pitches are still
undefeated! What? What is this crazy talk? All that time spent losing
and suddenly we're winning? Yeah, that's right. It's happening. We were
the Texas Live League Champions once upon a time...so, there's that.

3)
Conversations With Drunk Pitches: Unless you want to get inked directly
on your a-hole, the best place to get a tattoo of someone climbing out
of your poop-shoot is the lower back.