so sad today

sadness, loads of sadness today. not sure what sparked this, except maybe starting therapy has brought some long buried feelings to the surface.

time is crawling. i'm working through a long list of distractions, from laundry, to gardening, cleaning the house, even scrapbooking. but i just keep stopping and crying. i want to get high. i want to cut. i want to die.

i miss my mom so much. this summer will be two years since she died.

i wish i wasn't such a weak person. i wish i could just 'suck it up' and not be so emotional. my dad always used to say to me, back a million years ago when i lived with them, that i was too sensitive. hyper sensitive. i cried alot then, too.

i am so tired of not measuring up, of not being good enough, of being the black sheep... i really don't know what else to do.

this trick of becoming aware of your negative thoughts so you can tackle 'em is just not working for me. if i calm down enough i can hear quite clearly what they are saying. but i have no defenses. i don't know how to argue back with them. they say "loser" and i say "yeah, i am. sorry."