Living large in a Tesla S

It started with a call from California. “This is Stone from Tesla,” said the caller. My heart did a triple Salchow. “Are you available for a test drive next week?”

Was I?! I tried to sound cool and professional, and said, “Hmmm. Yes, I believe I have some time on Tuesday.” And booked the appointment, hung up, jumped out of my chair and did a little Polish jig around the apartment. At last – my chance behind the wheel of a Tesla Model S!

Driving to Yorkdale, I apologized to my humble Acura. I felt like I was cheating a little bit on my trusted daily driver. After all, it’s not like I was going to dump the Acura for the Tesla. I was just going to sort of have a nooner.

My product specialist, Clyde, was ready to go. Down we went to the underground, where a layer of road grit only made the Tesla look sexier. Clyde used a fob to unhook the charger from its covert connection under the tail-light. Unlike other electric vehicles, the Tesla cannot be unhooked from a charger without a fob.

Of course, that wasn’t all the fob – which was shaped like a teeny Tesla – could do. It also told the car that we were there, and the car responded by popping out the doorhandles. I mean, it knew we were there. That may have been the result of sophisticated technology, but it felt absolutely bewitching, as if I was being beckoned by a beguiling clairvoyant.

And as soon as I slid behind the driver’s seat, the Tesla was on. That is, the lights, stereo and dashboard were ready for my next command. The generous touchscreen was as big as my tv, and Clyde showed me how to set up the different modes. There was no satellite radio because, you know, internet.

To set the car into motion, I just had to press the brake. No ignition button, no switch, nothing. It was in Park, and the dashboard lit up so that I could get motoring.

And I must add here, that in addition to its other accolades and honours, the Tesla is the only car that has a special place for a purse. Yes, you read that right. A raised platform in front of the console, between the seats, can hold a good-sized handbag. For this reason alone, I want to have Elon Musk’s child. Of course, any child of his would have four wheels and go from zero to 100 in four seconds.

Back to business. Clyde warned me that the pickup would be exceptional, and he was dead on. Just driving around the side streets, I found myself seeking out stop signs, just so I’d have an excuse to accelerate. Braking was smooth, not as grabby as some EVs, which can feel like a CRA collection agent. Clyde showed me different braking modes, for standard or low regenerative power. There was even a special “creep” setting, so it would come to a stop with a slight forward motion, which would be handy for rolling into tight parking spaces.

And all this, in complete silence. I couldn’t hear a thing. Just my own heart singing.

Clyde was chatty but not pushy, almost as excited about the car as I was. It’s one of the perks of his job, he told me, to spend all day driving around in this magnificent vehicle. I asked if test drives could get hairy, given the Tesla’s power and performance. But apparently all his customers were well-behaved, although Clyde had a chance or two to take the Tesla around a track himself, and push it. He referred to it as a “Porsche eater,” although to my mind, there’s really no comparison.

All the time we were driving, the top acre of the enormous touchscreen was on navi, so we could keep an eye on the traffic. The bottom acre was a rear view camera, so I could see the traffic behind me at a glance

As we went onto the Allen Expressway, I put the pedal to the metal. The Tesla charged ahead, pushing me back into my seat with breathtaking, multiple g-forces. Changing lanes was ridiculously easy with the high torque. The speedometer not only showed how fast I was going, but how much power I was using as I accelerated and decelerated.

We turned on the stereo and the Moonlight Sonata rang out sweetly and clearly – I could hear the pianist breathing.

Finally, we headed back to Yorkdale, and I pulled into the Tesla parking spot. As I went into reverse, the mirrors adjusted down, so I could see where I was going. And to put the lovely creature into park, I only needed to push a small button at the end of the stalk.

Clyde showed me a few financing options, and I walked through the choices. I had built a $102,000 vehicle. Not to be overlooked, the government would reimburse me $8,500. Sure I could get me a Tesla Model S – but I’d have to live in it, and develop a taste for Kraft dinner. Just how badly did I want this car?

Insurance, I found out, would be cheap. The Tesla has received the best safety ratings of any car on the planet, and is virtually impossible to steal. The technology is completely proprietary and can’t be hacked. The only way to steal a Tesla is to steal the fob.

I told Clyde I would take the suggestions under consideration. Really, there was so much to think about.

Let me start by saying that Krystyna, you get the best phone calls. What fun driving around in the Tesla S, though I have to admit, I might have wanted to go out on my own, even for a little while. As to the purse holder, as I sit and wipe the salt stains off of my vintage hand bag, I wish all car makers would clue into the fact that women carry purses.

Debra, I believe that due to insurance issues, there needs to be a salesperson in the car when you’re test driving. With the Tesla, I needed someone there just to explain everything! It’s like nothing I’ve ever driven before. And yes, the spot for the purse is definitely a plus. Yet I’ve read so many reviews of the Tesla, and it’s never mentioned. Hm.

Great story, Krystyna. I love your style–and yes we were along with you for the ride. You are already one lucky woman, so maybe that lottery ticket will pay off. Can I come for a ride in your new Tesla?

Thanks, Christine! I just adore these cars, they’re the best of all possible worlds. Eco-friendly, good looking, and wicked to handle. It was just as mind boggling an experience as I thought it would be.

WOW, that is way cool Krystyna. I am so jealous. That must have been some experience. I think I would have felt the same and bought a lottery ticket too. I want to test drive one of these beauties… SIGH! Maybe someday. 🙂

Sweet 🙂 I know I’ve probably mentioned it before, but you get to do some of the coolest things. On a recent test drive of a Jeep Cherokee, I was much more into the plum purple Challenger with white stripes that was sitting in the show room. Cars never get old for me.

WOW! Just too cool for words! Thanks for taking me along on that ride!!! I’ve not seen one Tesla in SC…hahahaha! If Kraft dinners aren’t your style, maybe you could try some Ramen noodles 🙂 I’m happy not to be tested, after reading this.

Now Ramen noodles … hmmm. That would be a nice alternative to Kraft dinner. And perhaps that touch of the exotic would be more in keeping with the Tesla image. If you haven’t seen a Tesla yet, you will soon. They’re selling quite well, and are one of the top ten brands in the U.S.

If the bean counters at Tesla were smart, they’d provide you with a new Tesla S and let you start a blog for it. It could be a Tesla diary written in your —or the car’s —- voice. I only tolerate cars because I occasionally have to use one to get from point A to point B, but I really enjoyed this description of your Tesla experience.

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Krystyna Lagowski drives like a girl

And I’m proud of it. I also write like a girl, about topics that more and more girls are getting involved in. That includes everything automotive, as well as transportation related issues like commuting, urban design, bicycling, pedestrian rights, public transit, and more. Although my approach may be light-hearted and upbeat, I take these topics very seriously, and hope you do as well.

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About Drive Like a Girl

Drive like a girl is a metaphor - it's about digging fearlessly into the many issues around cars and transportation. Join me as I take an irreverent and insightful look at anything and everything related to the car industry, transportation, and beyond.

About Krystyna Lagowski

I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer with a love for all things automotive. But I also bicycle, take transit and walk because that's the reality of today's urban existence. And then, I write about it. I'd love to write for you too - drop me a line at writer@drivelikeagirl.ca