Jim Donaldson: A Theo-retical conversation between Sox and Cubs

Tuesday

Oct 25, 2011 at 4:45 PM

How funny is it that, as their first order of business in their new jobs, Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington and Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein will negotiate appropriate compensation for the Sox allowing Epstein to mo

How funny is it that, as their first order of business in theirnew jobs, Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington and Chicago Cubspresident of baseball operations Theo Epstein will negotiateappropriate compensation for the Sox allowing Epstein to move tothe Windy City?

How funny, indeed?

Herewith, a "Theo"-retical conversation between the two:

"Theo!"

"Hey, Ben."

"How you doin', dude? Settle in yet? How do you like WrigleyField?"

"Well, as an Ivy League guy, I like the look of the outfieldwall, although it does seem awfully low - especially in left. But,overall, if you thought Fenway was in need of a facelift, you oughtto see this place."

"Well, Theo, if they didn't spend so much money hiring you awayfrom us here in Boston, they might be able to afford torenovate."

"Don't you hate it (chuckling heard on the end of the line fromChicago) when teams overpay for talent?"

"Yeah, right. Hey, by the way, Theo - do you know you left yourgorilla suit behind here in the closet?"

"I left that for you, Ben. You might need it some day. And,speaking of things you might need, the number for Popeye's chickentakeout orders is in the top right-hand drawer, in case Lackey,Lester or Beckett stop in and want to chat."

"It's about that time."

"You mean the sixth inning? Let me go get a brewski."

"No, Theo. I mean time for us to chat. About you. And ourcompensation for you. Let me get right to it. You won two WorldSeries here, for a franchise that hadn't won one in 86 years. Thatmakes you a genius in my book. And isn't that what the media keptcalling you in '04 - the 'Boy Genius?' I'd say that entitles us toMatt Garza and Starlin Castro in exchange for you."

"No way, Ben. I think Castro could be an even better shortstopthan Edgar Renteria or Julio Lugo, and you know how highly Ithought of those guys."

"Speaking of Lackey, I don't suppose you'd be willing to takehim off our hands? Since he's about to have reconstructive surgeryon his throwing elbow, we wouldn't ask anything in return."

"C'mon Ben - how stupid do you think I am?"

(Cherington speaks quietly, under his breath):

"Stupid enough to shell out $103 million for Dice-K, $25 millionfor Matt Clement after the '04 season, and $12 million this yearfor Bobby Jenks. And let's not forget Eric Gagne."

"You're mumbling, Ben. I can't understand you."

(Cherington continues to talk in an undertone.)

"And I can't understand why you'd give J.D. Drew $14 million ayear for five years. Or overpay for Carl Crawford."

"Ben? Are you there? I still can't hear you."

(Cherington returns to a normal tone of voice.)

"Sorry. Larry Lucchino just popped in for a second. I wastalking to him."

"Now I'm the one that's sorry - for you. The less you have todeal with Lucchino, the better. When I wrote the other day that myrelationship with him was 'complicated,' I was putting itmildly."

"Let me worry about that, Theo. He's my problem now. At themoment, it's our deal we have to straighten out by Nov. 1, or BudSelig's going to step in."

"Step in what? The usual? Hah! The commissioner ought to pay aguy just to follow him around with a pooper scooper."

"C'mon, Theo. Get serious."

"OK. Seriously - what do you want?"

"Well, you did a great job here with the farm system. Look atall the homegrown talent we have on the ballclub - Dustin Pedroia,Jacoby Ellsbury, Clay Buchholz, Jonathan Papelbon, Lester. I haveno doubt you'll do the same with the Cubs. So how about partingwith a couple of prospects?"

"I'll need a day or two to review them, but there's probablysomebody in the Rookie League we can part with."

"Rookie League? A raw kid as compensation for the GM who madethe trades that brought Adrian Gonzalez and Curt Schilling toBoston? A teenager in exchange for the brilliant talent evaluatorwhose prescient free-agent signings landed David Ortiz for chumpchange from Minnesota, and Bill Mueller on the cheap from theGiants? No, Theo, we need to be talking about top-tier guys."

"I'm also the guy who traded Bronson Arroyo for Wily Mo Pena,who swapped Freddy Sanchez for Jeff Suppan. But, OK, maybe we canlet you have a kid from Single A."

"If that's all I get in return for you, Theo, I'm going to haveto walk out of this office wearing that gorilla suit."