Hard Rock Cafe review: it's ground breaking

A little while ago a reader said that she loved Confidential but thought there “was a lot of words” which was problem because she wasn’t “really a fan of reading”.

As we like to appeal to a cross-section of Mancunians here’s a photomontage review of the Hard Rock Cafe.

It’s done in the style of the stories girls used to be treated to in Jackie magazine. But we’ve also mixed a little rhyme with each picture – an idea stolen from the old Rupert the Bear cartoons.

Could we have discovered the future of food reviews for casual dining places?

Rihanna, Pink, Elton John and Mick Hucknall, Meet by chance in the Manchester Arndale.“Let’s have lunch,” says John, “I’ll choose for all,“Let’s go to HRC, there’s a pic of me on the wall.”

Settled in a Hard Rock Cafe seat Pink and Rihanna start to competeWho will be the Queen of MusicDuring their lunchtime treat?

Rihanna has shrimps, with a twist of lime,“I love these things, they’re very fine,“HRC’s done well,” she says and starts to inform,“In England you know, shrimps are called prawns.”

On a Local Legendary burger, Hucknall starts to chew“Gorgeous beef, bacon and an egg on top too,“Back in the eighties this would have gone to my head,“I would have wooed it like a woman and taken it to bed.”

For Pink it’s the honey-mustard grilled chicken “It’s better than KFC, more finger-lickin’“Crude I suppose but I’d definitely recommend,“I’ll put it on twitter and start a trend.”

Elton John has the burger, the Red, White and Blue“This spicy sauce, onion ring and blue cheese will do,“It’s filling and big - but more salad might be a plan“It’d make it less dry. Where’s the rocket man?”

The puddings looked good, they would make the meal complete.Leroy, the nice waiter, promised they’d be a proper treat.The stars, excited, couldn’t help choosing oneExcept Hucknall, “Looking at a pudding I put on a stone.”

The peanut butter and the cheesecake weren’t even okThey tasted of disappointment, dust and decay.Rihanna said, “SOS, please someone help me.”She put down her spoon, “It’s not healthy.”

The rockstars toast each other and smileMaybe they should do it again in a while.Leroy comes around and wonders if they requireA T-shirt, mug or badge, or some other souvenir.

Elton John, the oldest there, is the one who concludes,“The HRC experience won’t always suit the mood“The burgers are brilliant, and there's some lovely guitars and drums.“But there's too much on-selling, and the prices mount up, dear chums.”

Definitely the future. May I suggest a review of Cafe Rouge in which your writers arrive on bicycles with strings of onions round their necks, red stripey tops, berets and false moustaches. In fact you do this as a flashmob for readers.