Oprah has "no idea" why Lance Armstron decided to confess. I know, this is how the game is played, but this outrageous level of disingenousness (disingenuosity? I think I like that better) is still strangely hilarious to me.

A: Alexandra Petri

I find this whole thing so strange.

All these levels of pre-confession are also bizarre. I thought, though, that he would at least come out with an "If I Did It" book before reaching the Oprah stage.

Why not have 2 Death Stars, a Republican and a Democratic one? The Republican Death Star would be the size of Sputnik (starve the beast), yet be bristling with guns. The Democratic Death Star would be the size of our Sun (union labor), yet have no guns.

A: Alexandra Petri

I am not sure how this would affect our credit rating as a nation, but I can't wait to find out!

Did you know that pockets started out as a fashion accessory? They were made in pairs, sewn onto a tape worn around the waist, and reached through a slit in the skirt.

A: Alexandra Petri

Hot Pockets started out like that too, except you could wear them on the waist without having to sew them onto any tape.

I know that in second grade we hand to hand-sew pockets that basically meet your description (don't worry, this wasn't just the girls, this was everyone) but A Giant Pocket You Can Wear Under Everything would certainly solve a lot of my pocket-related problems.

I want to know how they figured out how much it would cost. Did they check the blueprints by freezing the DVD when they showed it? Frankly, I'd be happy with the one-man fighter like >o< or maybe (-0-)

Instead of a platinum coin they should issue a copper coin the size of a penny and put it in general circulation, like Willy Wonka's magic ticket. Everyone would start looking at their pennies again instead of throwing them into jars.

A: Alexandra Petri

I don't even throw my pennies into jars any more. I just toss them into the gutter as an incentive for elderly people whose ideas of currency value are still stuck in the 1930s to exercise and keep limber by bending over.

This being said, a question for the chat: smallest denomination of coin you'll pick up?

I walked past a dollar bill the other day. I wasn't touching it - I don't know where it's been. I'll pick up a $5 for sure, though.

A: Alexandra Petri

I always worry that dollar bills are involved in some sort of elaborate prank where they're glued to the sidewalk and you're on camera, or they're embezzled and now your prints are on them, or something.

Officials in Sweden are investigating how a cleaning lady was able to steal a commuter train that later derailed and smashed into a house in a suburb of Stockholm. How does this work?

A: Alexandra Petri

If I knew, I would already have stolen a commuter train and derailed it into a house! I always thought part of the allure of stealing trains was that it was like stealing with the training wheels on -- you could only get so far with it.

"At the rate things move in Washington, the Death Star likely wouldn't be "fully operational" ..., until sometime in the 2030s. " It would never be fully operational because of glitches, technical and/or man-made. That's reality.

I've been told that it is good luck to pick up a penny that is "heads up" and bad luck to pick up a penny that is "tails up". The appropriate response to the latter is to bend down and turn it over so the next person to come along can have good luck.

See, that's precisely the problem. If your ideal government is The One That Gets Things Done, then the dictator is the way to go. But if your ideal government is The One That Prevents Bad Things From Happening To You, then republicanism is the smart move. I think this was explained in The Federalist.

A: Alexandra Petri

And if your ideal is blissful inefficiency, coupled with lots of acrimonious yelling -- well, you have some options.

Do these only happen to scantily clad celebrities, or do regular people have them, too? What would be classifies as a normal person's wardrobe malfunction? Baseball cap brim turned up? Slip showing (do women even wear slips?)? Fly unzipped?

A: Alexandra Petri

I would say, "My typical Friday attire," but...

I think slips went out around the same time as those secret waist-band pockets.

My rule is, found money is charity money. I donate it, if I find it on the street or in the washing machine after doing my kid's clothing. So if I found the $20 that wasn't a $20, the scolder might have taken that money out of a starving man's wallet. Just my $.02.

A: Alexandra Petri

That's a good rule!

...although if I were your kid I'd probably try to argue that if you found it in the machine right after doing my clothing, its origin would seem pretty clear. Then again, free laundry! Who am I to complain?

Hey, that's not fair. A large number of studies have shown that Justice Thomas is consistently more conservative than Justice Scalia, so he's no puppet. Of course, Justice Thomas still makes Calvin Coolidge sound like Bill Clinton.

Hey, don't you guys read your own paper? http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/obama-white-house-nixes-calls-for-850-quadrillion-death-star-super-weapon/2013/01/12/fb74697e-5c94-11e2-b8b2-0d18a64c8dfa_story.html Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...

I routinely picked up one to two bags of trash around the condo complex where I lived every morning as part of my exercise routine. My butt thanked me. I kept all the money (biggest amount $5 bill), rehomed several abandoned cats, and threw away everything else, including lottery tickets, 7-11 slurpees, liquor bottles and used condoms, I moved, for obvious reasons.

Erik Wemple's commenters are giving yours a real good run for your money in the snark department today! http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/erik-wemple/wp/2013/01/15/the-atlantics-scientology-problem-start-to-finish

My tights were running down my butt while I stood in line, all I could do was hope they wouldn't hit my ankles til I got to my car and could grope and pull them up.

A: Alexandra Petri

My general litmus test for wardrobe malfunctions is that if an old lady approaches you on the sidewalk and says, "Dear, your dress," it is never because she is taken aback by its beauty. It is always because you have tucked it into your leggings by mistake.

Several years ago I unilaterally decided to clean up the other side of the road (brushy) across from our house, because so much trash had accumulated there over the years. Never found so much as a penny (if only all those bottles and cans had been returnable, though), but did find among the odder items one shoe, a car muffler and a large dead snake.

A: Alexandra Petri

Speaking of dead snakes, I think it may be about time to wrap up this chat! Speak now or forever hold your comment!

When I was in elementary school we had the heads up rule. We also thought the luck only applied if the penny was dated with the year of your birth (though there was no bad luck penalty if the date was wrong). Then again, you could actually buy a piece of gum or a tootsie roll on the way home from school with a penny at the convenience store. Yes, it was a while ago. Now get off my lawn!

A: Alexandra Petri

I feel as though luck years ago used to be much more skittish than it is nowadays.

I sometimes pick up a penny that is heads up if I think I need the "luck" that day. Often though, I leave them for someone who might need more luck that day than I do (I feel pretty blessed most days). I'm going to start turning over tails up pennies; I like the good-pay-it-forward-karma of that.

When I worked in DC, about 12 years ago, my work had a shuttle bus that make rounds among our locations throughout the day. In between making rounds, the drivers would often let the bus idle out front (this is pre-9/11), sometimes while they got snacks or used the restroom. Once, the driver came out to find it gone. Then we received a call from a local liquor store--someone had comandeered it, and driven to the store, where he was attempting to trade it for some booze. The shopkeeper saw the company logo on the side of the bus, and doubted the legality of the proposed trader. The bus was returned, but it no longer idled out front.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost, a lighter take on the news and issues of the day, and she contributes to the Post editorial page. Her work has appeared in venues such as The Huffington Post, The Week, Newsweek.com, Businessweek.com, Collegehumor, and The Harvard Crimson. She has appeared on Jeopardy!, Showbiz Tonight and Canadian radio, and she has performed at Boston's Comedy Studio and Comedy Connection. She would love to be on your TV show, radio show, Daily Show, HBO special, or to be an honored guest (or regular guest) at your Bar Mitzvah. She is the author of two books (unpublished, but contact her!), two screenplays, three plays, one musical, and one memoir (Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast.)