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I PRESUME YOUR CONCERN FOR THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN EXTENDS INTO A LIFE SPENT VOLUNTEERING IN CARE HOMES, FOSTERING AND DONATING YOUR WAGES TO THE NSPCC — AND DOESN'T SOLELY REST ON HARASSING AND ABUSING TEARFUL, POSSIBLY RAPED WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING TO GET A SAFE, LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE SO THEY DON'T FUCK UP THE REST OF THEIR LIVES."Here's another thing we're too embarrassed to say: we'd love it if a big bunch of pro-choice men turned up at these clinics, and helped escort the scared women in. Talking In the last year or so, we saw this study, from America, and it broke our hearts a bit, because it explains so much: in a mixed-gender group, when women talk 25 per cent of the time or less, it's seen as being "equally balanced". From the moment we grew our tits, we've been cat-called in the street; commented on by relatives ("Ooooh, she's big-boned"; "Well, you'll be a heart-breaker") as if we weren't standing there in front of them, hearing all this.

And if women talk 25–50 per cent of the time, they're seen as "dominating the conversation". We've seen our biggest female role-models and icons shamed in the press, over and over: computers hacked and nude pictures released; sex-tapes released. Ninety per cent of what men wear is "some trousers".

You don't need me lecturing you — because you're not hanging out the back of a bus shouting "CLUNGE! You've got sisters, mothers, lovers — female friends and colleagues — and you've never once gone up to any of them shouting, "Blimey! " while honking on their breasts, in the manner of Sid James. You just have to shut yourself in a cupboard and say them over and over again — "FEMINISM! 'The Man'So, when women talk about "The Man", we're not talking about you. We're not dealing with this in a special, noble lady-way.

You're sophisticated, 21st century men with a copy of the El Bulli cookbook, a timeless pair of investment brogues and a couple of Joni Mitchell albums — for when you want to sit in your leather armchair, and have a little, noble, necessary man-cry. Not all the penises being burned in a Penis Bonfire. You are like my friend John, when he talks about dating alpha-women: "Feel intimidated by them? Dating and marrying powerful women is like big game hunting. Unfortunately, in both cases, the entire future of the world does rest on people being able to say those words properly, and not mumbling "femernism", or "envibeoment". Which are both, when you think about it, much odder-sounding.2. Similarly, when we talk about the patriarchy, that's not you, either. And then it turned up every month for the next 30 years. Abortion Likewise, imagine accidentally getting pregnant at 16, then having to run past a barrage of anti-abortion protestors outside your local clinic, all holding up pictures of dead foetuses.

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— but we must also work for less money, as discussed above. This is why, maybe, women can become suddenly furious — why online discussions about feminism suddenly ignite into rage. But it does seem amazing that a clever, well-travelled man, whose job it is to examine the human condition, and who had a pretty steamy relationship with Germaine Greer at one point, has never realised that women can be just as driven by their desire as men. If we're still getting talked-over at meetings, is it because we're not dressing powerfully enough? Feminism can only work if men are feminists, too — because the only indice by which feminism will succeed is based on how many people believe in it, support it, and want it to happen. There's no point in only 27 per cent of people believing in equality because the maths, very obviously, show that you won't be equal if 73 per cent of people think you're not. hide the feminism in a special secret place, and only let certain people have access to it.

I'm gonna be honest with you — for the first five years of my adult life, most of my decisions were made by the contents of my pants. If we're getting sexually harassed, is it because we're wearing the wrong skirt? Besides, as discussed above, men need feminism almost as badly as women do.