Another Svetlana on the sand. Just eye-candy, or is Putin going full Ukraine on us?

​Spending the week at the beach in beautiful Avon, NC. It’s a great spot, although somewhat remote. And it is, surprisingly, the true strikepoint of Russia’s multifaceted incursion to control the Mango Mussolini’s US ofA.

Sure I know what you’re thinking, between the Attorney general, first nephew “Kush’s” bro meetings in Moscow, and ‘Holmes” Comey getting fired, combined with widespread hacking into the election process, there are so many fronts to tweet on the menace that is Russia that poor 45 can barely get a round in. NOTE TO RUSSIA–outsource your hacking to India like everyone else does. They’re simply better at it.

But in fact the most insidious incursion is here in this sleepy little beach burgh. I have been coming here for 20 plus years and over the past few there has been a disturbing change. Instead of every service employee at each restaurant, kite surfing lesson, bike rental, etc., being a local, year-round, unmistakably American redneck, they are now Russian.

That’s right, the Russians have taken over the food chain, especially at the Food Lion grocery. It is packed with tall, blond, strikingly beautiful Svetlanas (not exaggerating--read two Svetlana name tags yesterday). Since Agent Orange has a penchant for scooping up eastern European beauties, I fear this has gone unnoticed, perhaps even encouraged, by Papaya Pinochet.

The Russians seem incredibly hard working and REALLY improve beach viewing for sunburned tourists from PA, NJ, and OH (full disclosure--I used to be a PA tourist myself, but have lived in NC for a dozen years now so I can mock their mini-vanned fat selves with impunity).

I haven’t seen any propaganda as yet but you know it’s coming. By the time Putin can do 150 pushups without pause, his influence will have spider-webbed throughout the East Coast.

Saw some of Comey’s testimony and he is clearly gunning for the presidential gig next time round. Maybe he can save my vacation spot.

Another reason to shut off the pipeline of refugees emigrating to the US just emerged from the chaos of war and travel bans and fear of sharia law—these Muslim monsters are taking jobs away from natural American stoners.

Employers are hiring refugees because they can all pass pre-employment drug screens, which native-born citizens are having a tough time doing because we are all on drugs. Up to 80% of the workforce at a company in Colorado failed a random drug test, because everybody in that state has been toking their faces off ever since weed became legal there. You can’t fire 80% of your employees at the same time, so these stoned people still have jobs. But they can’t get other jobs, because a lot of employers would pee test them before putting them on the production line.

And all these refugees can pass that test, because none of them are on drugs. Why this is no one knows. A war-torn hellhole would seem an ideal spot to experiment with psychotropic substances. Look at Detroit. But these Syrian types have resisted the urge to use drugs, despite their living conditions, which include regularly being buried in rubble and the occasional surprise amputation.

And there’s no better place to cook meth than Aleppo. If your lab explodes and destroys your house, no one would even blink, because to go up in fiery flames is the natural fate of all the housing stock in that city. But, surprisingly, no one bothers. Being constantly in fear of death and torture makes you too busy to learn how to take a bong hit or rail out some cocaine with your American Express card, is all I can think.

So, what we have now is a White House that promises to bring manufacturing jobs back to the US and at the same time is blocking the entrance of refugees who are the only people clean and sober enough to fill them. Something has to give, and it’s definitely not going to be opening the golden door wider for a bunch of brown-skinned foreigners that make our skins crawl, even though that itchy sensation may be caused by heroin withdrawal as well as xenophobia.

The only answer is to let Americans work high. Look at the picture. Don’t you think you could make a zillion cheeseburgers a day even if you were totally baked? Sure, your company would lose some product to the munchies, and occasionally you’d have to use some of your vacation time going to rehab, but it’s better than letting a gang of people fleeing the death and destruction of their homeland and who speak a language that makes Spanish, which we also hate to hear, sound almost comprehensible, snatch all the mindless jobs in the land.

Otherwise we face a future in which the Walmart smiley faces are trilingual instead of merely bilingual. It makes no sense to deport a bunch of hard-working people because we hate their ethnicity merely to replace them with refugees we hate because of their religion. Let native Americans be hard-working as well as highly stoned. Eliminate drug-testing! The future is at stake.​You finished rolling that joint yet?

The security of the country is in peril because the FBI doesn’t want to hire stoners to serve as cybersecurity experts.

As revealed in this Mother Jones article, the FBI is failing to recruit the best anti-hacking pros for two reasons—one, they are snatched off for better pay by private companies who are also concerned about cybersecurity and, two, these computer geeks are higher than the Van Allen Belt most of the time on killer bud.

The FBI drug-tests its applicants, which the totally blazed hacker community knows full well, so those citizens are busy providing Internet security for Wall Street, Wal-Mart or wherever, leaving the CIA, the NSA and the State Department more vulnerable to foreign cyber-criminals than a senile senior's bank account. Also they are being stoned to the bone.

Why do we need to weaponize these weed warriors? The hacking specialists that the FBI manages to hire are not as effective as their ganja-smoking counterparts. Why a sober computer security specialist can’t detect the ugly electronic tentacles of Guccifer 2.0 as well as someone who’s been baked more often than frozen pizza no one can say for sure, but a person whose most commonly used declarative sentence is “I mean…I want…did you see that? Whew,” followed by “Anybody up for a run to Jack-in-the-Box?” is apparently the more gifted cybersleuth of the two.

The FBI director, himself the beneficiary of a crap-ton of publicity lately, has acknowledged contemplating changing the Bureau’s drug-testing policy, so patriotic potheads can serve to protect America’s security. Bong hits may become as vital a part of our nation’s defenses as launching drones. The Marines will always be a bulwark of American response to foreign threats, but Americans way too wasted to get through the rigors of basic training can also serve. If you can’t be Semper Fi, be Semper High.

It’s not as if there’s no precedent. Didn’t a couple Nazis help NASA land on the moon? Why can’t natural American stoners protect us from hackers? I see no reason why not.​Uncle Sam, meet Jeff Spicoli.

Some incidents were left off the list entirely, believe it or not, and both the Trump White House and, naturally, the LYING MAINSTREAM MEDIA, ignored them. In an act of journalistic vigilance, this column will offer the known details in all ten of these unreported assaults on our way of life. All were committed by known or suspected Muslims. They are ranked in ascending order of offensiveness:

Nativity scene on church lawn knocked over during snowstorm by unknown man riding a bicycle and wearing a Muslim skullcap. While the man did place the figurines upright again before vanishing, both the sheep and one of the Wise Men were set facing the street instead of the manger. Clear persecution of Christians. White Plains, New York. December 11, 2015

Swarthy man set Patriots jersey on fire in street in Amherst, Massachusetts, while yelling "Tom Brady is homosexual!" in non-native accent. February 6, 2014. Fled scene before visa status could be determined.

Express Gas station co-owner Assoud al Libi, in spite of having recently attained US citizenship, told native-born American customer who was mocking his pronunciation of English that he could go buy his gas somewhere else. Did not even, as was al LIbi's usual habit, address the victim as “Boss.” Tampa Bay, July 12, 2013

Omar Zeidan, green card holder and manager of a 99 Cent Store in Little Rock Arkansas, when asked when the store was going to start carrying 99 cent Confederate flags again, said “Never, because they’re racist.” Which was none of his business. May 23, 2011.

Unknown man in turban combed his beard on bus in full view of white children, then escaped into a mosque. Kennett Square, PA, October 11, 2016.

Pakistani landscaper and work permittee Abrahim Ansari, when told to mow church lawn in a cool alternating pattern like a major-league baseball field, just mowed it the regular way, in another blatant attack on the Christian religion. Sherman Oaks, California, April 12, 2016.

After being rear-ended by a normal white American at a stop light, legal visa holder Salem Abu Bakr jumped out of his car and shouted “Show me proof of insurance, you son of a bitch!” Sparks, Nevada, September 1, 2013.

At a Muslim wedding party held on a rooftop in Hoboken, New Jersey, in full view of downtown Manhattan, guests were seen wildly celebrating just 12 years, two months and four days after 9-11. November 15, 2013.

There’s been a lot of talk lately about white genocide, and it had me worried, because I am white and I know what genocide is. If there is going to be some kind of Kristallnacht for all Caucasians, I know it could affect me, and I would be profoundly annoyed if someone slaughtered me out of existence just because I am white.

But after doing a little Googling, I relaxed. It turns out that the people who coined the phrase “white genocide” think it is happening when white girls go to rap concerts, and also by black actor Idris Elba being considered for the role of Agent 007, James Bond.

James Bond is not the first fictional character whose possible blackness has roiled the waters of racial harmony, at least as far as some white people are concerned. Megyn Kelly is famous for having proclaimed that Santa Claus is white, because the race of mythical creatures is a big controversy, especially on Fox News, and the fact that the main Santa at the Mall of America last Christmas was portrayed by a person of color was also proclaimed by some to be another example of white genocide. Why no one thought it was a racial War on Christmas, I cannot say.

Other imaginary beings, like the Easter Bunny, seem to be immune to racial controversy. Usually the Bunny is depicted as a nice chocolate brown, and people just don’t care. This is because the EB is not an imaginary human, so he falls under the General Law of Neighborly Prejudice, which is that while there are some people who worry deeply if they have a black neighbor, nobody cares if their neighbor has a black dog.

Jesus, who Megyn Kelly also stated was white, obviously was not covered under this statute. I personally believe that Jesus was white as well, because He lived in a part of the world that was populated in the Year Zero by mostly brown-skinned people with frizzy dark hair. Jesus having the straight blonde locks of a Northern European would account for Him having gaining such a large number of followers in such a short period of time. Most of them probably just wanted to touch His hair.

James Bond, unlike Santa Claus, who is only vital to young children and the cookie and diary industries, is an important imaginary symbol of the Free World. He is a national hero to Americans, even though he doesn’t, technically, work for this nation. James Bond routinely saves the world from evil techno-oligarchs, and does so despite being captured by them every time, because the world’s evil geniuses, while they are clever and motivated enough to entrap the entire globe in one implacable web of doom or another, are never smart enough to just shoot 007 the minute they see him. No, they always wad him into some hopeless predicament, like having to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded in the dark, with the cube being connected to the detonator on a dark energy bomb or a vat of plague germs or a laser big enough to burn fresh craters onto the moon.

​Most of us would kiss our hineys good-bye at this point, but James Bond can’t do that, because Halle Berry is sitting on his lap. So, he solves the puzzle, defuses the bomb, destroys the evil geniuses and sexes Halle Berry and whatever other drop-dead gorgeous starlet that tries to get in his way and gets a medal from the Queen almost as an afterthought.

James Bond has saved the world from nuclear conflagration a half-dozen times or more and, let’s face it, a missile exchange between the US and Russia would wipe out a crap-ton of white people. You could almost call it white genocide. If a real-life James Bond appeared, and saved us from that, he would deserve the thanks of a grateful world.

I'm in Australia, and today I was originally planning to tell both of my readers about my trip here. But, you know, Trump...

One of Donald Trump’s first acts as President will be to dismiss the Central Intelligence Agency as the United State’s main source of external intelligence and contract with the biggest Russian intelligence service, the SVR, to provide up-to-date info on world issues to his White House, says spokesperson and spin maven extraordinaire Kellyanne Conway.

“It’s a simple matter of efficiency,” Conway explained. “Why should Russia and the United States both maintain expensive networks of professional spies, along with the equally costly listening posts, wiretaps, cyber warriors and satellites that they insist they have to have? Not to mention the double agents, alluring but sinister women, and ballpoint pens that shoot poison darts. All that costs money, money that would be better spent Making America Great Again. We can save major bucks by getting the Russians to just let us know what they think is wrong with the world.”

But Kellyanne, wouldn’t that constitute a pretty significant conflict of interest?

“Not compared to other projects we have in mind, like training the Marines to not only seize beachheads in wartime, but also to build golf courses on them afterwards.”

It sounds to me like Trump is just getting even with the CIA for pointing out that without the Russians, he wouldn’t have won the election, and ignoring their daily intelligence briefings in favor of staying home and spanking Melania.

“Only a libtard such as yourself would even entertain that notion. The CIA has a long history of intelligence failures, such as the Bay of Pigs and thinking Iraq had WMD’s.”

I think the thing with the CIA might be they don’t get to brag on their successes.

“Hardly a convincing argument. The President-elect does not even begin to understand loser thinking like that. Whenever the CIA wants to tell him something he doesn't want to hear, Mr. Trump has a simple answer: Tell it to Mike Pence. But even Mike is getting sick of hearing stories about dead Syrian babies, armed guerrillas in the Ukraine and tanks massing around the Lithuanian border. Once we switch over to the Russian intelligence service, we’re never going to hear about anything disturbing again. That’s what they promised us. And we have every reason to believe they’ll keep their word.”

How’s that?

“If they start telling us stuff we don’t want to hear, do you really think President Trump is going to pay them?”

Before we get started on the main subject of this post, a shout-out to teen American athlete Virginia Thrasher, who won the first gold medal of the Zika Olympics in her event, the women’s 10-meter air gun competition.

Many Americans reacted with pride to this event. Others reacted by saying “Who cares?” And “Who cares about air guns? I’ve got a closet full of real AR-15’s and enough ammo to last me through a double dose of Doomsdays,” but these people are not aware of the significance of Thrasher’s achievement, as they are Americans and do not know the metric system. A ten-meter air gun is a pretty unwieldy weapon, and it is quite an accomplishment for a teen girl to lift one, let alone hit anything with it.

But it is the Olympics, and it is time for us to get patriotically stoked over winning competitions in sports that we had no idea existed, and to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with sports fans from other nations and shout together our love of competition with them, while privately thinking they smell bad and dress funny.

The other big sport of the summer is election 2016, and while we have spent months detecting the character, or lack of it, in the two surviving candidates, the question of who is better qualified to be First Spouse has been examined far less exhaustively, and this past week the spotlight shone on Melania Trump, who stands to become the first FLILF* since Jackie Kennedy should her husband win the election, but not for such great reasons.

It was revealed that Melania was probably working illegally in the United States in 1995, since nude photos of her, both solitary and locked in embrace with another nude female model person, have surfaced from that year, and they were probably paid for posing for them, since in 1995 the nude selfie posted for free on Instagram had not been invented. Plus, the pictures were taken by a French photographer. Asking women to get naked was not invented by the French, but when Frenchmen do it, in their greasy, unwashed language, women seem to comply unquestioningly.

Which might be excuse enough for Melania, except that her husband has been going on about illegal immigrants taking work away from natural Americans, and there were certainly plenty of legal Americans willing to rip their clothes off and pose for the camera in 1995. Also he's mad about them raping us and being criminals besides. Now it is obvious that Melania was no rapist, just an alluring European with an overweening desire to expose all of her luscious young body to the fresh air of freedom, and get her personal parts next to another liberty-loving young woman’s, probably for cash. That’s the criminal part, because apparently Melania was here on a tourist visa.

Which meant she legally had to get naked for free, and while she probably has on numerous occasions, back then when you were photographed nude and the country gawked at your firm young flesh, you got paid for it. Nowadays you have to do it without charging, and then beg for money on GoFundMe, but it was a better world then.

So Melania is probably lying. I hear you saying “Who cares? All she has to do is keep the White House silverware clean while her husband gets laid by other women just by asking “Hey, baby, do you want to have sex with the Leader of the Free World?” or "You can touch me anywhere except the hair."

​That’s true, but what else has she been lying about? Apparently having a degree in architecture, but that’s something America has never required in a First Lady. And she says she speaks five languages, but since we Americans only speak one, how can we tell for sure? Besides, she comes from a part of Europe that is so linguistically messed up that you have to know five languages just to get all the people on your block to put out their recycle bins on the same day.

But when January rolls around, we are going to have either the first First Dude, a guy who unquestionably knows his way around the White House, including the secret closets where they keep the best interns, or the first First Lady who is a professional nude person.

The Democratic Convention starts today and despite being warned not to, the Democrats seem intent on nominating Hillary Clinton for President. The just-concluded Republican National Convention nominated a man with skin the same shade as a Cheezit for the highest office in the land almost as an afterthought; what it really awarded was the title of Worst Human Being Who Ever Lived to Hillary Clinton. During the course of the convention Clinton was accused of crimes as varied as starting the Syrian war singlehandedly (Republicans doubted any Syrian involvement with starting their own civil war), playing grab-ass with Boko Haram and cc’ing ISIS on all her State Department emails. She is in bed with Putin, the Iranians, Wall Street and Huma Abedin simultaneously. She worships Lucifer. She is married to a rapist. And Benghazi, Benghazi, BENGHAZI!

It’s as if Hillary wakes up every morning, slips out of her designer silk pajamas and into her powder-blue power pants suit and thinks “What’s the most purely evil act of depravity I can commit today?”

So she’s like me that way, except for the clothing choices. I’m flattered, even though I have to confess that I am easily distracted from nearly everything and often wind up forgetting my main purpose of doing foul deeds and end up drinking all day instead. I bet Hillary has a longer attention span.

If the Republicans were really serious about winning the election, which nobody believes they are, they would come up with more and better accusations. I’ve got 10 of them right here, which I just made up while the microwave heated up my lunch. It’s as easy as body-shaming Chris Christie.

TOP TEN THINGS THE GOP HAS NOT YET ACCUSED CLINTON OF DOING:

1. Kidnapping children and forcibly vaccinating them.

2. Ordering NASA to shut off its cameras every time they catch a UFO on film.

3. Killing Vincent Foster’s dog, too.

4. Using a public bathroom not assigned to her gender.

5. Bringing Edward Snowden his lunch every day when he worked at the NSA.

6. Knowing in advance that the Japanese were going to attack Pearl Harbor.

7. Eating Pop Tarts with wasabi mustard.

8. Being the only "woman" on Ashley Madison who is not a fembot.

9. Having a secret closet full of burkas ready for her declaration of Sharia Law Day once she’s President.​10. Owning panties with “Black Guys Matter” printed on the crotch.

The Donald’s clarion call to ban all Muslims from entering the country, while far from easy to implement, promises to be fun enough that many Americans are willing to give it a shot.

Identifying Muslims that are trying to get into America should be easy enough. They have funny names and wear funny clothes. “Well, so does Lady Gaga,” you might reply. Fine. Ban her, too. Katy Perry will be grateful.

Seriously, it’s easy to mix up other religions from that end of the world with Muslims. Many people do when they commit hate crimes. “Oooh,” they say, as they slap themselves on the forehead. “I accidentally burned down a Sikh’s convenience store.”

I am just making this up, of course. People who burn down convenience stores are not the type of individuals who have second thoughts. “What’s the dif?” they just say to themselves, as they fill up another five-gallon gas can and buy some more long-handled matches.

The answer is, not much. Foreigners worthy of having their property incinerated all wear turbans or some sort of fiber headdresses. To keep from being identified as Muslim, all they need to do is wear baseball caps. Preferably red ones that say “Let’s Make America Great Again.”

Wait a second, you say. There’s a loophole wide enough to drive a semi full of C-4 through. What’s to keep radical Islamodudes from just doffing their Mohammed-style noggin wear and buying baseball caps to disguise their true identity?

I don’t know. I’m not a detail guy. Competent management will figure it out. One thing I do know is that American has to coalesce around a single derogatory nickname for these guys, or risk losing the war on terrorism. The grab-bag of ethnic insults currently in vogue needs to be streamlined. We’ll never overcome the Caliphate if we persist in misidentifying the enemy variously as hajjis, towel-heads or camel jockeys. I propose Muzzies. Once we start calling every one of these threats to the nation a Muzzie, the war on terror will be halfway won.

What do you mean, you ask? During World War II, we variously referred to our enemy in the Pacific as Japs, Nips and slant-eyes, and we won that war just fine.

OK, point taken. But speaking of WW II, are we going to put all the Muzzies in camps like we did the Japs? Good idea! But not on American soil. Now that we are chill with Cuba again, I’m sure they won’t mind us expanding Guantanamo. Half their island ought to be plenty of room to intern every Islamicista we can find. Cogitate on that proposal and then try and tell me I can’t figure out international relations.

And don’t call me a racist. I have plenty of Muslim friends. Here is a sample of one of the friendly conversations I often have with Muslims here in Southern Cal:

Me: Twenty dollars on number six and five bucks on Super Lotto. (Hand over exact change)

Muslim: You got it, boss.

So don’t tell me I don’t have a deep understanding of the Islamic mind-set.

Speaking of mind sets, you know who's the most p-oed about the San Bernardino attack? That guy who shot up that Planned Parenthood clinic. He was the mass murderer flavor of the month for what? Four days? Hardly worth illegally converting your AR-15 to full automatic for.

I hear other people’s ideas to combat the Muslim menace and I just laugh. Since the Christmas party-pooper shooters may have met online, some hotheads have proposed to shut down radical Islamic dating sites. It’s true these connubial killers may have cooked up their plot after viewing each others profiles on MartyrMingle or Plenty O’ Burkas.com, and even as I type this, horny radicals may be searching the Web for soulmates and terror cell mates. But we can’t start censoring the Internet.

That would be unconstitutional.

PS. After I finished writing this, Trump called on Bill Gates to "close the Internet," so terrorists couldn't communicate with each other over it.

A Syrian refugee, when informed that the state of Alabama was intent on ﻿denying refuge ﻿to him and his wretched fellow nationals intent on escaping death in his country's never-ending civil war and fundamentalist insurrection, shrugged and said he didn't know anyone who wanted to go to Alabama anyway. He elaborated under condition of anonymity.

"Hey, I already live in a repressive theocracy. Why swap one for the other? The chances of finding halal food in a state where the dominant supermarket chain is named Piggily-Wiggily seems pretty remote too, so we Syrians would have the choice between religious observance and starvation. We have that option already here.

"At home, we have wild-eyed ISIS terrorists commanding us to bellow "Allah Akbar! all day long. It's annoying, sure, but is it really worse than drunk, belligerent frat boys urging us to scream 'Roll, Tide, Roll!" constantly?

"As immigrants, we intend to work hard and send our children to the best universities so they can become doctors. How we going to do that in Alabama, where the public schools are even worse than Louisiana's? Make that Zimbabwe's.

"No, I'm staying right here until they let me into Sweden. Or Delaware."

That's all very interesting, sir, and it may be true, but you can't blame Alabamans for being worried about admitting possible terrorists after what happened in Paris. And why shouldn't they worry? Right behind you, on that mound of rubble, someone has spray-painted "Death to Alabama!"