Letters I'll Never Send

Main menu

My timing for love is so out of whack. I try to find love abroad and I do, but we go back to our own countries and try it out….but we are in such a big transition in our young, ever-changing lives, he breaks it off. I’m devasted (as he was my first boyfriend) and it affects me still today. The fact that I met him abroad and we experienced all those things together. I look back at it with such great memories and laughs and moments of true love, regardless of how short it was. I just can’t help, but think….timing. My timing is just so bad. His timing wasn’t right. And although it was the mature thing to do, I truly believed I loved him. I know when I love, and that was true love. When you wake up thinking about someone and fall asleep thinking about them. I had the time of my life. I miss it and I miss him once in a while.

Now, almost a year later I’ve moved on to the obsessing over who his new girl is and started looking at other guys in my circle of friends. Of course, the guy I’m attracted to….is taken. Yeah. I don’t want to. But I can’t help but feel a certain way when I am around him. We laugh and laugh and tease for hours and we have this connection that I just don’t see that he has with her. Known his for 5 years now and as close of friends that we’ve gotten, there is something inside me that still wants to be more than just that. I can’t help, but feel the way I do when I’m around him. Attraction. Chemistry. Excitement. Fun. Playfulness. We play. Laugh and tease. Others around us notice and say “is there something going on between you two?” “No! Of course not!” Deep down inside, I don’t really know. I’ve never asked him……….Timing.
To You:
We are in such different parts of our lives. You’re older, ready to settle down, and me… me. I’m just a confused, little girl with big ambitious dreams to travel the world and find myself while finding others. We are on different pages. We aren’t on same maturity levels. Sometimes I think. But still, I stay attracted to you. I just… I can’t believe you kissed me. You tried and the first time, I realized and pulled my head away. We danced and it felt amazing to be in your arms. I felt safe and loved and beautiful. Something I hadn’t felt since my first boyfriend and I missed that. I loved receiving it from you. I thought, “Finally!” But…then I knew it can never work. I can’t. I won’t. You are my friend and I still want what is best for you. I just can’t believe you actually went and kissed me. I know you were drunk, but you have been drunk in the past and you’ve never tried that before. I went with it because I only have so much will power. I remember being in your arms and holding on to your jacket. Looking at your arms and then at you…shying away at they way you were making me feel. I looked at your jacket collar and padded it …because I truly was so nervous and got butterflies around you. And then before I could bring myself back to Earth, your lips touched mine and to me, it fit.. perfectly. I can’t believe that. I had always wanted to taste your lips and I liked them. I quickly pulled away after realizing what had happened and shut my eyes because I was disgusted at what I had just done. You are taken and our timing just doesn’t add up. That night will forever be a memory of mine.

I still don’t know if I should tell you. You may remember you may not. I haven’t decided. But I think you have. And it’s not me. That’s how it should be. It would have never worked out I think. I am in a different part of my life and so are you. You don’t want to give up 4 years of your relationship. ……There is still some part of me that thinks it could maybe work. But that part is smaller than the other. I don’t know anymore. Timing of mine is wack. I can’t helpe but still think about that night and wonder if you do to.