Tuesday, 18 March 2014

As you may have heard, Mia Love has officially filed her papers to run for Utah's Fourth Congressional District in a bid to replace Jim Matheson, who will not be seeking re-election to an eighth ( ! ) term. Love is the former mayor of Saratoga Springs, and rose to national attention when she tossed some red meat to the good folks at the 2012 Republican National Convention. That same year, she ran against Matheson for his seat in the 4th and narrowly lost.

In the past, Salt City Sinner has outlined her thoughtful and very sane budget plan, and even endorsed her for Salt Mine Grand Vizier, so it was not entirely a surprise when one of Love's staffers – writing under the nomme de faux MakerNotTaker1776 – leaked an advance copy of four action items Love intends to immediately pursue upon election (in appreciation for this HOT HOT HOT tip, Salt City Sinner has buried a payment of US $1,000 – in solid gold Ron Paul doubloons – at the standard drop point at the corner of State and Main in Salt Lake City).

MNT76 has confirmed that once Love dances a neat boogaloo over the broken, smoldering, and desecrated bones of Democratic candidate Doug Owen, the following will top her agenda.

#1 -- SEAL THE BORDER

As Mia Love states on her website, we must seal the border, “not just for the purpose of preventing illegal immigration, but also to stop the flow of illegal drugs, illegal weapons, and possible terrorism [sic] from entering this country.” Mia Love is a realist, and knows exactly how to accomplish this task. Love has studied the 1990 Kevin Bacon documentary “Tremors,” and its numerous sequels.

border security that has teeth in it

She is confident that the best way to ensure that no drugs-and-weapons toting terrorists cross our southern border is to immediately deploy animal husbandry teams to begin breeding ferocious Graboids in the desert wastes. Soon these “undocumented immigrants” (terrorists) will be Graboid grub before they even know what hit them!

#2 -- MINIMUM WAGE FOR ALL TEACHERS

a modest notion

Love's educational proposal is focused on results. If teachers are really as important as they claim, and are actually “shaping minds” and “preparing students for our future” (whatever that means), then that should be its own reward. Love supports a maximum compensation package for teachers of the minimum wage, plus any trickle-down dividends (“tips”) that those students may feel inclined to send them once they have grown up, gotten jobs, and become successful citizens, tax-payers, and Republican voters.

#3 -- A HOME FOR THE HOMELESS

dignity and compassion -- hallmarks of the Love approach to politics

Not content to simply eliminate city-level funding aimed at preventing homelessness, Love has a plan to get these scumbags working again. Remember those animal husbandry teams assigned to our southern border to breed vicious, man-eating Graboids? Guess who will (voluntarily or in-) make up those teams? That's right! What's more, taking a page from Sheriff Joe Arpaio's book, Mia will clothe these filthy hobos from head to toe in bright pink scrubs, thus ensuring both their productivity and their humiliation.

Last up in our sneak-peek of the future Representative for Utah's Fourth District:

#4 -- STOP TAXPAYER FUNDING FOR HOMOSEXUAL SATANIST ORGY CLUBS

Like “taxpayer funding for abortions,” “taxpayer funding for homosexual satanist orgy clubs” is a thing that Mia Love firmly believes is real. And we must fight this totally real thing that is actually happening in the real world, with words and laws and, most importantly, attention paid to Mia Love and her budding political career.

Exciting, isn't it? Can't you feel the winds of change blowing? Can't you feel the sleepy rumble of We The People finally throwing off the yoke of Big Government (except when it comes to enforcing the will of our Almighty Father in Heaven regarding your personal choices)?

Strap in, and we at Salt City Sinner will be sure to bring you further updates from our deep cover operative as events unfold!