Tax Evader, Banker, Grenfell Tower: Sajid Javid is a good man.

Did you like Amber Rudd? Then you will love Sajid Javid, our new Home Secretary.

Sajid is a very pleasant character, who devoted all his life for the common good of his country. Here is how.

Sajid is a visionary. At the age of 14, instead of buying a bike, or a guitar, or a jacket, or the sort of things 1980s teens bought, he invested 500£ in shares. So young and yet Sajid already knew that by making a lot of money he could make his world a better place.

Sajid is a clever businessman. In 2000 he took up employment with Deutsche Bank, first as director, then as managing director in 2004. After nearly a decade of irreproachable dedication to the purse of the few, he left the bank in 2009, with a salary of £3mn. A few years later, the UK Supreme Court found out that Deutsche Bank and its partner UBS had set up an illegal scheme in the 2000s to allow the banks and their bankers to escape a total of £135mn in tax on bonuses.

Sajid is a principled politician, faithful to the interest of his former colleagues. Many times, in the House of Commons (where he was elected in 2010), obnoxious MPs who were outraged by the Deutsche Bank scandal proposed to tax bankers’ bonuses. Sajid,who had the welfare of his old friends at heart, opposed this tax with constancy and voted 16 times against those annoying motions.

Sajid has got many friends, indeed. In October 2017, he was interviewed by Jon Snow on Channel 4 News. There, he was unfortunately asked whether he knew about Deutsche Bank scheme that enabled employees of the bank to avoid UK taxes. Poor Sajid was taken aback and could not confirm that he didn’t know about such fraud. He explained that he had “never benefited from such a scheme”. Thankfully, however, Sajid has got many friends in many important places who managed to get the extract of the interview censored and removed from the internet and Channel 4 demand service. We think it is a shame though, because we trust Sajid’s innocence, patriotism, and sincerity. Here is a link to his televised performance: https://vimeo.com/159383144

Sajid is at the service of poor people. Last year, at the time of the Grenfell tower accident, Sajid was housing minister. He did everything he could to follow May’s promise that Grenfell survivors would be rehoused within three weeks. He really did everything. Eleven months later, Grenfell residents were still homeless. But this is not Sajid’s fault. He did everything he could.

Sajid has got brown skin. He will be good to immigrants. He will be “fair and decent” to them, he said it. Whether Pakistanese or Jamaïcans, it is well known that all non-white people are the same lot —the former honey bees of our once glorious Empire. A Javid will do for the Marleys, you will see.

Sajid is a great guy and a patriot. Theresa has made such a clever and subtle move hiring him. The Tories are the party of law and order. They work for the country and the common good. They are dedicated to the people, to folks like you and me.