The usual mixture of journalists had gathered at Milan’s headquarters in Via Turati, the old men that had been arguing about football over their espressos for thirty years, the young men setting down that path and the beautiful young women employed by Mediaset. There were far more journalists than usual today, for this was a special occasion. 4Vetti had been dismissed after a disastrous campaign and today was the unveiling of the new manager.

Adriano Galliani walked onto the stage but something was different. The usual glum expression on the face of this Uncle Fester lookalike had been replaced by a beaming smile. Everyone in the room knew why, he had secured the managerial services of the hottest manager in Italian football. After co-managing Italy to FFS Euro 2012 glory, every single club in Serie A had been queuing up to hire Milanista. “It was never in doubt” boasted Galliani. “We are Milan, the team with the most international trophies in club football. We made contact with Milanista a couple of months ago and he made it clear that the only team he wanted was Milan. I am very happy to welcome him to the Milan family.”

Finally, the moment arrived. Milanista strode out with a cocky swagger. “I am delighted to take the manager’s position of this great club. Outside of Serie A there were teams around several of Europe’s top leagues interested. Wigan, Brest, Valencia, Fortuna Dusseldorf and Ajax all wanted a piece of me. While I would have enjoyed a piece of Brest, Milan are the only club for me.”

Talk moved on to the clubs aims for this season. Milanista was typically ambitious on the matter. “The primary objective is to overcome the 19 other managers and top the league. Failing that I hope to qualify for Champions League football. We are seven time winners; the Champions League is in our DNA. It would be a catastrophe not to be playing in the competition.”

Following the mega money sale of Thiago Silva and Zlatan Ibrahimovic and the summer departure/retirement of legends such as Inzaghi, Gattuso, Nesta and Seedorf it was clear that Milanista had some rebuilding to do. “Berlusconi has given me 100m to spend. I intend to buy 15 players to grace the San Siro.” A collective gasp went around the room at the prospect of so many new faces coming in. While he wouldn’t reveal names, the manager said that many of the acquisitions would be foreign. “I am getting players of many nationalities, a Japanese, an American, an Ozzie, a Dutchman, an Argentinean, some Spaniards, many English and even someone who plays for Barbados.” A look of longing appeared on the manager’s face, “I am also interested in a certain Serbian.”

Milanista then offered the journalists the chance to ask questions before the conference concluded. Various asinine questions were asked by the hacks. The conference was about to end when Milanista was asked for his opinion on his fellow managers in Serie A. Milan’s press officer was suddenly looking very uncomfortable and tried to deflect the question but there was no stopping the new manager from shit stirring as his mood suddenly changed and he descended into a rant.

“There are some top managers in the league but let’s face it, I’ll beat them all! Daniel thinks he’s all that after his 14th place finish but that was back in 2010/11 and the game has clearly driven him insane since then.

Mark may be the FFS Overlord but he’s in charge of Palermo, what sort of men run around a football pitch wearing pink? His team will inevitably get let down by Moses. When it comes to this match I’ll ask Granville for advice and do the opposite. This seems to work.

Forca will do something stupid like captain Suarez over RVP and try to justify his decision by talking about each player’s farting ability. That will be his downfall as usual.

Reinaman is too busy taking pretty pictures to concentrate on running his team.

RoysCallerAnne shouldn’t be managing a football club anymore. That old fart has gone senile, he makes Trapattoni feel young.

I have a special plan to deal with Isacki. All I need to do is convince him a few weeks before our match that Kelly is a good valour option. Things will all go up in flames for him after that.

As for Menly, that drunk will be the easiest of the lot. Milan travel to the Stadio Friuli GW4, we all know that Menly doesn’t get going until GW5.”

Milanista abruptly stopped the verbal attacks. “I cannot wait for the new season to get underway. Next week we face Sampdoria, Megatron won’t know what hit him.”

The press conference ended with many of the journalists still in shock from the barrage of abuse let out by the new manager.

BREAKING NEWS: Panathinaikos president Dimitris Gontikas has just appointed Acquafresca as the new head coach for the 2012/13 season, after falling 7 points short of a league title to rival club Olympiakos in the Greek Super League. After having a successful season last year, Panathinaikos think Acquafresca is the man to bring the club back to glory.

In a recent interview, Acquafresca displayed his admiration for the club, and how his goal is to qualify for the Champions League. “I believe that despite the tough competition in this newly made Rest of Europe League, we have the quality to upset some top contenders, and hopefully shoot for a top four finish. I have confidence in the talent our squad possesses, with the mix of experienced and youth players, the team will battle every game for the crest on their chest. And who knows, if the players themselves shoot for the stars, there may be hope for a good run for the Champions League Title.”

Roscola: Manager of Valladolid

Roscola’s season seemed over before it started. Manager of Fenerbahçe for less than 48 hours, he was kicked out for “undisclosed reasons” and replaced by Bedknobs & Boomsticks. Reports of an incident involving a bottle of linseed oil and the club chairman’s wife are impossible to verify.

But just as the clouds seemed dark beyond redemption, they parted and Valladolid offered a reprieve. Roscola promises a fresh approach to the club, free of the smart-arsing around that blighted his previous season. Out with the unnecessary “clever” differentials and wild hit sprees, in with the calm reflection and measured appraisal. Until GW2 of course, when the madness sinks in and panic-buys become impossible to resist.

Press: What will be your approach to the big hitters?
Roscola: I’ll hit them back

Press: Will you start with any differentials?
Roscola: I might start wearing a cravate in the dugout

For those in Rest of Europe, to obtain your fixtures replace your club with an equivalent club in the Premier League alphabetically – Thus replace Ajax with Arsenal, APOEL with Aston Villa, Benficia with Chelsea …….

For those in Bundesliga, you have two choices
a) I do it similar to the way it’s done in Rest of Europe,
b) We do it similarly to the way it’s being played in real life, but as this has to be extended to 19 gameweeks, 4 random teams will be assigned double gw’s. Will the Bundesliga players be ok with this? (Yes, this is your cue to respond)

If you have any doubts regarding the fixtures, don’t fret. The fixtures will definitely be put up by Wednesday evening.

You do not have to join a fpl league for this. We should be able to retrieve your scores without it.

That’s all for today – We will bring you RoysCallerAnne (Fiorentina) Press conference tomorrow, along with a lot more.

So do I….Life is unfair, and so is FPL – When we suddenly have DGW’s, or matches get cancelled at the last minute or within the gw itself (Remember when we had just 4 matches in a gw because of the snow).

Just as a note for presentation, it might be better to use the ‘More’ button or whatever it is, so the articles appear a lot shorter on the home page. It looks quite untidy if there are full articles on the home page, and it takes longer to scroll/find what you’re looking for etc.

FC Borecelona, widely known as the greatest manager in the world, has been appointed the new manager of Olympique Lyonnais. Here is how is coaching and mental attributes compare: http://i.imgur.com/vbt02.jpg

As a player, he was widely acclaimed to be the greatest player to ever grace a football pitch. At 26, he made a dream move to Barcelona earning a whopping £275k a week! FC Borcelona was a pacy winger with immnse dribbling skills with awesome technique to go with it as well: http://i.imgur.com/W4Vv1.jpg

FC Borecelona is looking for another league win to continue his own great legacy

Newly promoted side Stade de Reims are overwhelmed to announce the appointment of new manager Mahfreems. After a long time away from the top tier, Reims will be looking to take promotion in their stride and overhaul the likes of money-driven PSG and Lyon, to win Ligue 1. With Mahfreems being a 6-time previous manager of various clubs and not having been extremely successful, both parties are looking for the so-called “Season of Inspiration”.

When asked about the realistic possibilities of Reims, considering the new promotion, but long history of success, mahfreems was confident in his abilities, “Here at Reims we are taking inspiration from Swansea last year in the Premier League, as they were the “English Barcelona”. We aim to take this two steps further, we will not be the “French Barcelona”, we will not even be at the same level of Barcelona but we will become the most dominant footballing force Europe has ever seen. Every player on my team is as good as Messi, if not better, and by my calculations 15 Messi’s are better than one.”

With a first week fixture against Fratboy’s Marseille, Mahfreems does not display much fear with an otherwise strong team: “For me, I do not worry about the strength of my opponent, but only the strength of myself and the 15 best players in the world, my team. I am not claiming to be “The Special One” as the cocky persona of Jose Mourinho once said, but you know it would be nice to be given such an accolade from others rather than assigning myself this title. However, I am sure that it will not be long before such terms as “The Special One” and “The Best Manager of All-Time” are being passed around.”

Stunned by the confidence of Mahfreems, journalists began to leave the press room and started to reflect on such a speech. Time will only tell whether or not this claim from Mahfreems will end up being true, but for now we can only take his word for it.