Conference Call: A Play

November 7, 2012. Barack Obama has defeated Mitt Romney to win a second term as president. Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, and Mitch Daniels are on a conference call.

CHRISTIE: Well, boys, I’m glad that’s over. These last few weeks have been a bitch.

DANIELS: I feel for you, Chris. I can’t believe Mitt actually thought you could get him New Jersey. We never get New Jersey.

CHRISTIE: You don’t know the half of it, Mitch. He called me every morning like clockwork.“Keep it up, Chris. You’re doing great. We’re only down five. Bring it home for us.” I’m like, uh, Mitt, could you help me out and get off your gaffe-a-day program? I can’t perform miracles.

BUSH: Mitt sure was brutal on the stump, wasn’t he? He actually had a shot down here until things blew up in his face in Daytona.

DANIELS: He told me he was exhausted that night. Santorum had gone so far off the rails, Mitt couldn’t think straight. Maybe so, but that’s no excuse for committing the mother of all flip-flops. You guys know how many times you’re allowed to change your position on abortion, don’t you?

CHRISTIE: One time. If you’re lucky.

BUSH: And when do it, you’d better have a darn good reason, and you’d better repeat it a few thousand times.

DANIELS: That’s right, Jeb. You can’t suddenly decide, in the middle of a campaign, to become pro-choice again after you’ve spent a decade trying to convince people that you’re pro-life. I don’t care if your running mate is a stark raving lunatic.

BUSH: Unbelievable. I get dizzy every time I think about it.

CHRISTIE: You get dizzy? Well I get pissed. Mitt can blame things on Santorum all he wants, but he made me look like a chump, and I’m pissed off.

DANIELS: I tried to warn Mitt about Santorum. About how he reminded me of Dick Cheney . . .