The Crap We Missed – Thursday 2.13.14

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed where we learn how to say Buy Oats Cheap! in graffiti, as well as the kind of rash your face gets from Sean Penn, and how to casually take a dick selfie from Jeremy Jackson. You’ll see it. I’d have something else snarky to say but it all shot out of my sweat glands during the past hour and a half of shoveling.

I’ll be perfectly frank – you probably look better than this guy does. I don’t understand why girls find this shit attractive, it totally does nothing for me. He looks like a male Coco, about to burst fluid from any one of his his fucked up looking lumps.

Actually, I’ve been hit on by scrawny nerdy guys, big muscular guys, chubby guys, and ‘regular’ guys. And creepy old men, but I don’t count those. And Cracked commenters, but I don’t count those either.

I generally go for thin nerdy guys because I care more about intellect than looks, but if my choice in men was based solely on physical appearance, I can tell you that large and muscular would be dead last. The most muscle I can tolerate is Klitschko or Lundgren level, but even then you have to be well over six feet tall for it to work. And both of them get extra points for being smart and European, so even that isn’t 100% based on looks. I was less than happy when my ex started getting too big from weight training, because at 5’8, he wasn’t tall enough for it to balance properly. Neither is this guy.

When your traps start making you look like a hunchback with no neck, you’re well into ‘gross’ territory, sorry.