X Factor: Adele, Whitney and other bad auditions

Elegant shots of the judges getting ready in their elegant hotel rooms. Demi Lovato and a ton of makeup. Simon Cowell goes to get grits. (Also, you people have strong opinions about Britney Spears’ live singing voice.)

Up first is Willie Jones from Shreveport, LA. Rocking Bobby Brown hair. He picks up the mic, and “BABY LOCK THEM DOORS AND TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW.”

What? What is happening? What is this? Street wear and Bobby B. hair and a country voice. The judges are absolutely in love. Willie is certainly likable. But it feels gimmicky to me. He’s a bit shaky and does NOT hit those low notes. Listen back, L.A. Reid.

And besides, it’s been done. Over and over and over:

I’m going to need more than the novelty to be sold.

CRAY-CRAY TIME. Kalvin McManigle looks like he just crawled out from under a rock. Britney is scared she’s related to him. I’m scared she’s right. Something about lawnmower handles. Just a mess.

Julia Bullock left her band behind to take this solo shot. She’s got that quirky thing going on “Pumped Up Kicks.” Easy and cool. She actually gets better as the song goes on. An easy yes. (Let’s just shake some of that hipster off.) I’m going to keep an eye on her.

Hairdresser Krysten Colon makes the mistake of singing Adele. Simon is already tuning out. PEOPLE. STOP SINGING ADELE. I don’t know how many times it has to be said. Don’t sing Whitney. Don’t sing Adele. You will never, ever sound as good as the original. Simon asks Krysten to collect herself and return later.

I’m not really feeling Jeffrey Gutt. SORRY NOT SORRY. First off, “Hallelujah.” Another overdone song. Second, his voice just seems WAY too affected. Third, that sob story was way over the top. Even Simon’s reaction and Britney’s scary face when the kid appeared onstage.

And wasn’t last season’s Josh Krajcik already this guy last season?

THUNDER! LIGHTNING! LIGHTS OUT! Cue dramatic montage of umbrellas.

After the downpour, Krysten returns with another song. AND IT’S WHITNEY HOUSTON. This goes as well as you’d expect. Which is to say not at all. She’s whiny and off-key and dreadfully dull. The judges give Krysten a unanimous no, and she isn’t pleased. Water bottles and chairs fly. Her family looks horrified and embarrassed, as they should be.