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Mar 19, 2013

What can I say?

I want to finish everything within the week but my body was not able to hold on.

If only I can dictate and prevent myself from getting any illnesses.

「IF I WERE HEALTHIER.」

「IF I WERE STRONGER.」

「IF I WERE NORMAL.」

Why am I upset?

Because I can't do anything now.

I hate myself being unproductive.

I hate myself because I am a huge burden now, to my family, to my friends, to my professors, and most of all, A BIG BURDEN TO MYSELF.

How can I possibly say that? It's because every time I am having heart attack, I am useless, a trash, a garbage, a rubbish. I am nothing but a mere decoration. They spend money for my hospital fees yet I am still nothing. I am not perfect, I am not good enough.

I want to go to school tomorrow.

I want to end some of my left tasks.

I don't care whether I am not yet fully recovered, I just want to remove the thorns that are bugging me.

How can I show that I am a reliable person if I keep on failing?

How can I appear to be happy now if I am really not?

Why are these things happening?

Am I only a pain to others?

I feel so depressed.

「IF I WERE ONLY NORMAL.」

I want to reach out.

I want every one to hear this, but I am afraid this ranting won't affect most of the people around me.

Did I make an impact to them?

Did they at least understand what I am feeling now?

I am scared.

I am scared to face reality.

I think I will not be able to accept the fact that I am not normal.

All my efforts will be wasted now. If only I didn't tell them I am badly hurt that Saturday. If only I somehow managed to escape the agony I am having. If only I silenced myself until the end of the period. If only I didn't excuse myself... If only I lied about what I was feeling that Saturday.

THAT SATURDAY.

I want to cry and scream now.

I want to cry.

I want to cry.

I want to seek refuge.

I want to smile without hiding any pain.

I want to be happy.

I want to live the day peacefully.

I want to forget all the worries I am having now.

I CAN'T SING THE THOUGHTS IN MY BRAIN FOR THE LYRICS WILL ONLY INDUCE MORE HEARTBREAKING SCENARIOS.