who even reads this anymore? tell me so i know!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

like having to take yourself out on a hot date—and enjoying it...for the most part.

last night i went to see "Berlin" the musical put on by BYU at the LDS Motion Picture Studio. i have to say i was impressed. naturally, i will review the details of my adoration for said entertainment on the other blog, but this is beside the point.

i wore these hot green shoes, (as i have been wearing green all week to prepare), and a green shirt to match. and i am on my 2nd or third day of straight hair, which for me—makes it great.

problem: getting dressed up and seeing a show by myself is in a lot of ways very fulfilling. i can cry all i want and no one will say anything about it. i can fall in love with the male lead (which happens more than i care to admit) and not feel guilty for swooning.

i have to say though, there is nothing more lonely than coming out of a great show, that i wasn't in, and (after giving my love to 1/2 the cast that i know and love) i just leave. i can't even talk about it really. i can't sit with my show-going lover that also enjoyed the experience and say, "yeah- and like how they did this... so cool huh!" and there is something about the "all dressed up with nowhere to go" syndrome. i feel that is a real condition of quasi-depression.

the next hour of my date therefore consisted of driving around and singing in my car because i just didn't want to go home. 1/2 of my apartment is in San Fran this weekend visiting cute married people and taking great pictures anyway, and i already blew through most of the Office... so i drove around and listened to some songs that made me think of the places here and the memories i have attached to them. it is wierd that i have been here for 3 years when i look back.

finally, i caught up with some friends and filled my night with some laughing and snacking and Arrested Development... and felt a little better.

as a side note: i thought guys liked it when you were straightforward with them. i could have sworn that being honest was the way to go. so why then should i feel bad when i admit i am not interested? should i be punished for that? example: 'i would rather not go do that, but can we do lunch?' No. i don't want to ever talk to you again...ever! uh.... ok?

so maybe i feel lonely because i sometimes feel that i am trapped in a sandbox with kids who don't play nice!