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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Ukulele Jokes

We are a much maligned lot, and these jokes make fun of our unemployability, lack of intelligence and lack of personality, but what the hell, as Leonard Cohen put it, "we're ugly, but we've got the music". These are ones I adapted from drummer and viola jokes.

What's the difference between a ukulele and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a ukulele and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside
.
What's the difference between a ukulele and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a ukulele.

Why do ukulele players stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the ukulele?
It saves time.

Why is a ukulele solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do ukulele players leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
Answer 1: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
Answer 2: If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Why don't ukulele players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Why do ukulele players smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Why shouldn't ukulele players take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed ukulele in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

What do a ukulele and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a ukulele?
As far as you can kick it.

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good ukulele player, a bad ukulele player or an oasis?
The bad ukulele player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three ukuleles in it?
You could fit in at least five more.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a ukulele case?
They think he's carrying a ukulele and might be about to use it.

A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed ukulele players."

What do you call a ukulele player with no mother or girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you get a ukulele player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What's the difference between a large pizza and a ukulele player?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

How can you tell when the stage is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the ukulele player's mouth.

What do you call a ukulele player with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you call a ukulele player with half a brain?
Overqualified.

What does a ukulele player use for contraception?
His personality.

How is a ukulele solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Did you hear about the ukulele player who went to college?
Me neither.

What is the difference between a ukulele player and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a ukulele player's arm?
A tattoo.

Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the ukulele player.

A man goes to Hawaii for his holidays. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a local how long the drumming will go on. The local casts about nervously and says "very bad when drumming stops."
Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks another local when the drumming will stop. The local looks as if he's just been spooked. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first local he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"
The local replied, "ukulele solo."

2 comments:

A banjo player and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud knocking on the door.The banjo player got up, went to the door and found a ukulele player standing in the pouring rain."I need a push", said the ukulele player."Not a chance", said the banjo player, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning", slammed the door and went back to bed."Who was that?" asked his wife."Just some ukulele player asking for a push", he answered."Did you help him?", she asked."No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside" he said."Well, .... you have a short memory", said the wife, "don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two nice young men helped us?. I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself".The banjo player does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.He called out into the dark night, "Hello, are you still there?"."Yes" comes back the answer."Do you still need a push?", called the banjo player."Yes please", came the reply from the dark."Where are you?", asked the banjo player.The ukulele player replied, "Over here on the swing".

Contact ukegnome

Just email me: ukegnome@gmail.com or DM me: @ukegnome. I'll get back to you as soon as gnomishly possible.

Who?

I'm a musical comedy performer based in Dublin, Ireland. A kind of One Man Jedward? OK, not that scary. I play ukulele, kazoo and an assortment of odd instruments. I play at cabarets and festivals, markets, restaurants, museums, galleries, parties, etc. Original material, or at the very least original cover versions.