What's This, a Microphone? And If I Say Horrible Stuff Into It, Everyone Will Keep Talking About Me? Great, Let's Do This.

Transcribed from a recorded address by Donald J.Trump

​My Fellow Americans,

Well, here we are. The election is today, and thanks to a little help from J. Edgar's lovechild and internet hysteria, this thing could really go either way. You might rightly assume that, with all the time I've put into this process, and the personal reputation I've sacrificed, I'm heavily invested in the outcome. Well, allow me to disabuse you of that notion. I, Donald J. Trump, will be fine.

After all, win or lose (or as I like to say, win or rigged), I will have this here microphone to say horrible stuff into, and because you all spent the last two plus years catering to my xenophobic, misogynistic, and downright racist messaging, you will not be able to turn away. I will have the media's undivided attention until the day I die, and thanks to my immense wealth and superior German genes, I will not be dying anytime soon.

See, if I actually win this thing, despite the massively evident conspiracy to rig the election for Crooked Hillary, I will get to say horrible stuff into a microphone as a matter of public concern. I will use my executive status as a platform to sue my enemies, belittle my critics, and generally just do right by yours truly. I mean, can you imagine me sitting behind the Oval Office desk, looking down the barrel of every news camera in the country, and addressing you all as your president? Go ahead, picture it. Now drop a reminder in your calendar for February 15th, cuz it's coming.

On the other hand, if I should have my victory stolen by that nasty woman, I will get to carry the blind, vitriolic anger which has been a cornerstone of my candidacy into the next four years of nuanced policy discussions. Any time I feel like it, i.e. any time I'm feeling needy, I will summon a news crew and say horrible stuff into their microphones, and just as happened over the past year, pissed off patriots will heed my dog whistle call and throw the national discourse into chaos once again.

​What kind of horrible stuff might I encourage my followers to believe? Oh I dunno, I suppose I could say that Chelsea Clinton had a baby out of wedlock, and that the father is a Satan worshiper. I could accuse Cory Booker of deep anti-police sentiment, as evidenced by childhood photos of him dressed like a thug. I could even challenge that disabled reporter to an arm wrestling match. The possibilities are endless!

​Now, my most devoted deplorables might interpret my desire to remain in the spotlight as a patriotic endeavor, a continued attempt to push back against the bureaucratic corruption that has mired DC for decades, and has left some poor Americans twisting in the wind. Again, I wish to correct you.

If I don't become president, you folks are on your own. Hell, even if I do become president, you'll pretty much have to handle those issues yourselves. I'll be too busy suing and partying and launching Trump TV to concern myself with any of that nonsense I promised. That might sound selfish, but in my defense, if you thought for even a second that I intended for the outcome of this election to benefit anyone other than Donald J. Trump, you clearly weren't paying attention.

By the way, fun fact. You know what the J. in Donald J. Trump stands for? It stands for J/k.

So before I hand this microphone back to the brown-haired bimbo who so eagerly handed it to me earlier, I've heard some pretty crass jokes lately about how if I became president, I would do away with American elections for good. These jokes are pathetic and baseless and totally wrongheaded. You honestly think I'd do away with this hilariously expensive, overblown process which shines the spotlight in my direction constantly? This is the most fun I've had in my 70 years on Earth!

So here's a real campaign promise, and I actually mean this one: if elected, on my first day as president, I will begin campaigning for 2020. I'll probably kick things off with some prepared remarks about Dominicans and how they need to decide if they're black or not. Doesn't that sound like fun?

If you want to hear more from me, I'll be back on Twitter as soon as they call Nevada, and I won't get off until the drugs kick in the next day. Good luck, America!