My Life(in A Nutshell)

I was born in Vancouver,Canada in 1981. Moved to Mexico City for the first 5 years of my life. The physical abuse started before I was born, my dad would punch my mom in The stomach and beat her. I can remember from about 3-4 years old and on. My dad wasn't an alcoholic or drug addict, I wish I.could blame the abuse on that. Certain times stand out for me. I can remeber my dad accusing my mom of kissing another man, this wasn't true. We weren't allowed to go out unless he was with us. My dad asked me if my mom did this I told the truth and said no. He started to hold me by the neck and hit me. He threw me on the ground and kicked me. He kept asking me to tell him. My mom positioned herself behind my dad and gestured for me to say yes. I inew if i kept saying no he would beat me more, if I said yes I would have to watch him beat her. I gave in and said yes finally, if I wasnt such a wimp I would have kept letting him beat me. Then I had to watch him beat my mom. Another time I was sick, threw up in my bed in the middle of tue night. I tried to clean it the best a sick 4 year old can in the middle of the night without waking anybody. Not good enough. The next morning I'm woken up to my face shoved into some vomit left from the night before. Punches, slaps, throws me on the ground by my hair , kicked repeatedly. I end up going pee and poo in my pants from being kicked so hard. He rips my clothes off me and whips me with his belt. Throws me down the stairs to the bathroom and grabs toilet paper and begins to clean my bum, he digs his nails in so hard that my hole was bleeding. After 5 years we move back to Canada. The beatings are daily to me my mom and brother. Bleeding noses, cracked jaws I live in fear. My dad goes to work one night and my mom wakes me up in the night saying come on we have to go. Im confused and scared there are police in my house just in case my dad comes home early when we're leaving. We go to the police station. They ask me to take my clothes off so they can take pictures of the bruises all over my 5 year old body for court purposes. We go and live in a house for battered woman and their kids. Eventually my mom gets a place and goes back to university to become a teacher. My mom raises us a single mom until I'm 11 then she marries my step.dad. He's a good man. I also started drinking at 11. Then the weed came at 12. At 14 years old I try heroin And crack cocaine. I'm kicked out of 4 schools during high school years. I'm in and out of youth correctional centre's. At 13 I lost my virginity. My best friend asks me if I'll tag team his girlfriend with him because they have a deal she'll do it for him with 2 girls. So I'm sitting there on the day were going to do this. I'm nervous as bell. They start making out and take off their clothes. I sit there to shy to move. Lisa comes over to me starts going down my pants and stroking my ****. She pulls my pants down and starts sucking,licking up and down my **** and then it was on me and my friend took turns ******* her for about 30 minutes until we all orgasmed. I had a couple of for friends and a few freinds with benefits. At 17 I ended up on the streets. I was hooked on heroin, I physically needed it and I was smoking crack everyday all day. I slept under a bridge with my girlfriend. After a year and a half her parents came and found us one morning and offered to take us to Toronto with them. We went. I got on Methadone and got my first job ever. I worked my way up to manager in a few months. I was doing good. I was still using drugs but I became a functional addict. After 3 years Laura and I broke up and I came back to Vancouver. A few months later I.was back on the streets in full addiction. I stole from stores all day to support my habit and sold crack on the streets of Vancouver downtown eastside. After a while I couldn't take it anymore and I went to detox and treatment. I got clean. I stayed clean for 5 years, I worked 4 years as a support worker in a treatment centre and in a homeless shelter. One day I made a bad choice and got some heroin and crack. I lost everything eventually. So now I give up. I tried to commit suicide a few times and I was cutting myself. I was certified under the mental health act 3 times in 2010-2011. I spent those times in a psychiatric ward were they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, psychosis, and depression. I got out the hospital and now I'm in treatment. I have over 11 months clean but Im on 4 medications. I take Methadone,Risperdone,Citalopram, and clonazapam everyday. I'm still struggling but I'm trying. Anyways there is my life, a brief look, but its the main parts of my life.

I see you 've been through much suffering in your life but i also see that a lot of times you managed to recover .. so you can do it again.. You are 11 months clean! That's an awesome start, c'mon as i already said to you before, you have everything, let's say that you just lived life on the edge, just make a decision and stick on that, you are going to do this and that's it..<br />regarding your situation now.. you are not alone 340 million people in the world have depression and they are rising... most of us here also have depression ;) , it isn't something to be happy about but at least we have each other.. <br />Let me tell you something i don't like about you (I'm your friend) you say i have 11 months clean and then a big "but"... c'mon they are only 4 medications! You are so strong you can handle this and reduce this.. methadone just helps you recover, citalopram is for depression so a lot of people take everyday, clonazapam makes you relax and believe me there are so many medications stronger than clonazapam, and i'm sure you can handle the risperidone, sooner or later there will be a day when you will not need them anymore, but this medication is supposed to help you, it's not for all your life... just be patient, follow your recovery path, and look forward to new things.. look where you want to go, or else you will go where you are looking...<br />and all these names "borderline personality" "depression" make the problem seem even worse..<br />Just deal with it, get over it, recover from it, you are a fighter, i know psychotic episodes hurt as hell but that's why you have risperidone ... <br />Your life is like you want it.. and it's up to you how you see things and to find happiness.. thanks for sharing.. Be strong keep moving forward..

i believe you can do...i was once abused and started cutting myself and just gave up and tried to commit suidcide.. after i tried and survived, i turned my life around... still dealing with some anger, but i havent cut myself in years. they put me on medication. took it for a year and decided for my self if im gunna do this gunna do it on my own. so i stopped the medication and just learned how to deal with the emotions. isnt easy for everyone, theres times when i wanted to brake...

For bottom there is a top, or as I was taught an emptybottle can always be refilled. Hope and faith. Faith can move a mountain if you truly believe. I know you can make it and come out on top and a better person. The past is just that. There is only the future to still live.

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