when everything feels like the movies..

So after that very emo post, I guess I'm still recovering. Not yet on my normal mode, but hopefully soon. I really didn't expect to be all dramatic that day but what can I do when everything just started to pour out? Sigh. I guess we all deserve moments like those sometimes. But I can say that the thing that happened last Thursday really had an impact to me. People may not know it (though some did after reading my post), but I am really having a hard time going through this. I started doubting myself and how I have been as a friend and as a person these past few days. Now I realized that the reason why they probably misunderstood me and what I did is because I never really show my true colors. Even though I've been telling myself to stop being a spongegirl, I can't help it. And now it lead to another bad incident. I really don't want people to see what I feel because I don't want them to think that I'm being over-acting or too dramatic. I just pretend to always laugh and though I know I am a cheerful and positive person, I really can't help it when there are days that I just feel down. But I don't want others to feel bad because of me, that's why I just resort to the next best thing: smiling and pretending that everything is okay. Though some people can "read" me and know when I feel bad or down, there are still times when I still don't admit how I feel or just joke about it because I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. Let's say I'm jealous of someone. I know my close friends know I'm jealous but sometimes I just fool around and say, "Oo! Kasi siya eh!" so that they wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. Sometimes, it works because either they lay off or they really see through what I really feel. But there are just some cases when I don't even want to bother dropping hints about what I feel and I just want to shut everybody out. Like explaining WHY I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel like I've said it too many times already that they wouldn't understand why I still feel that way. And it really puts me in this confusing state wherein I don't know how to deal with things anymore. Should I tell or should I keep it? They say I must admit what I feel, but when I do will they understand? I always end up thinking that they will never get it. So now, when everything turns into a mess, I expect them to understand me but then I realize, how could they? They don't even know. How can they understand what they do not know? I think I always put in mind the saying, "What you do not know will not harm you," that's probably why I don't always tell them how I feel. I keep on telling myself that they wouldn't be the ones who will get hurt by these emotions. It's my heart, it's my life. Now I realized that it is true, my feelings and thoughts will not hurt them but what I do with these emotions can be painful. And suddenly, I realized how selfish I have been when I kept all my feelings inside. I didn't spare them but I actually caused them pain. Absorbing may have worked in the beginning but it definitely backfired in the end.

I'm still not over this. Though things seem to be normal, I know it isn't. Even though we're THIS close, I feel miles apart. And even though we talk, I feel like nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? I feel so miserable. I was hoping that thinking about the Science Congress would make me feel better for a while. Now I feel worse.

Who am I kidding? I know YOU are reading this. Sorry. I just feel bad, that's all. Not your fault, whoever you are. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. :(

"I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'll understand.. when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

when everything feels like the movies..

So after that very emo post, I guess I'm still recovering. Not yet on my normal mode, but hopefully soon. I really didn't expect to be all dramatic that day but what can I do when everything just started to pour out? Sigh. I guess we all deserve moments like those sometimes. But I can say that the thing that happened last Thursday really had an impact to me. People may not know it (though some did after reading my post), but I am really having a hard time going through this. I started doubting myself and how I have been as a friend and as a person these past few days. Now I realized that the reason why they probably misunderstood me and what I did is because I never really show my true colors. Even though I've been telling myself to stop being a spongegirl, I can't help it. And now it lead to another bad incident. I really don't want people to see what I feel because I don't want them to think that I'm being over-acting or too dramatic. I just pretend to always laugh and though I know I am a cheerful and positive person, I really can't help it when there are days that I just feel down. But I don't want others to feel bad because of me, that's why I just resort to the next best thing: smiling and pretending that everything is okay. Though some people can "read" me and know when I feel bad or down, there are still times when I still don't admit how I feel or just joke about it because I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. Let's say I'm jealous of someone. I know my close friends know I'm jealous but sometimes I just fool around and say, "Oo! Kasi siya eh!" so that they wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. Sometimes, it works because either they lay off or they really see through what I really feel. But there are just some cases when I don't even want to bother dropping hints about what I feel and I just want to shut everybody out. Like explaining WHY I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel like I've said it too many times already that they wouldn't understand why I still feel that way. And it really puts me in this confusing state wherein I don't know how to deal with things anymore. Should I tell or should I keep it? They say I must admit what I feel, but when I do will they understand? I always end up thinking that they will never get it. So now, when everything turns into a mess, I expect them to understand me but then I realize, how could they? They don't even know. How can they understand what they do not know? I think I always put in mind the saying, "What you do not know will not harm you," that's probably why I don't always tell them how I feel. I keep on telling myself that they wouldn't be the ones who will get hurt by these emotions. It's my heart, it's my life. Now I realized that it is true, my feelings and thoughts will not hurt them but what I do with these emotions can be painful. And suddenly, I realized how selfish I have been when I kept all my feelings inside. I didn't spare them but I actually caused them pain. Absorbing may have worked in the beginning but it definitely backfired in the end.

I'm still not over this. Though things seem to be normal, I know it isn't. Even though we're THIS close, I feel miles apart. And even though we talk, I feel like nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? I feel so miserable. I was hoping that thinking about the Science Congress would make me feel better for a while. Now I feel worse.

Who am I kidding? I know YOU are reading this. Sorry. I just feel bad, that's all. Not your fault, whoever you are. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. :(

"I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'll understand.. when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

She's a modern lover; it's an exploration, she's made of outer space

Hello, I'm Karla Bernardo. If you Google my name, you will find the Wikipedia entry of a Canadian serial-killer (and trust me, you do not want
to read about that - but I'm sure you will because now you're curious), which is why I suggest you type Bombastarr instead so you can stalk me better.

I am twenty-four years old, but nobody believes me when I tell them that. I am completely in love with the University of the Philippines, where I graduated with a degree in Creative Writing, and where I am currently a law student. It is also where I learned how to speak a bit of Italian, got a taste of the best tapsilog, and took striptease for PE.

Ask, and you shall be answered

Got a comment, question, violent reaction, love letter, or random piece of information you want to share with me? Just fire away. I don't bite.

(I changed my form and went back to Freedback because Ask.fm's being a bitch, requiring people to sign up for accounts before asking questions. Because I love you guys, I tweaked my ask box a bit, so that the questions will now go directly to my e-mail, but I'll be posting the answers still on my Ask.fm for convenience. TL;DR - I'll still be getting your questions so no worries. You're still free to harass me / send me your love.)

Most Frequently Asked Question

Are you a pornstar?No, I am not a pornstar, stripper, or your friendly neighborhood call girl. It's just a fancy pseudonym with a long history, and two R's. Rawr.

Bombastarr.com

Bombastarr is my personal blog and my little corner in the Internet since 2005. Yes, I started writing here when I was 13 years old (aka when I was very angsty, hormonal, and always gushing at the littlest things) -- ergo, you'd have to forgive me if you come across an old post that reeks of immaturity and slightly unpolished grammar. I did a lot of growing up here, and from the looks of it, there's still a lot of growing up to do, so I don't think I'll be leaving this place any time soon.

The domain, Bombastarr.com, was purchased on June 2014 and
launched on July 2014, on the blog's ninth year (and fifth month, to be exact).

It's crazy to think that this blog is now eleven years old, because (1) that seems like an eternity in internet years, and (2) that means if my blog were a kid, it's a fifth grader! That's insane.

Here's to more tales, explosive and otherwise.

So, why Bombastarr?

If you've been living under a rock and think I'm a threat to world peace or an object of covetousness, sorry to disappoint you, folks: it's just a fancy pseudonym.

As in most things, it started in high school. It began as a joke between me and a couple of friends during our freshman year. We were practicing for a field demonstration dance which involved the use of shawls, and being the crazy-always-trying-to-be-funny person that I was (or I always attempted to be) I started doing poses with the garment. Someone started taking my picture using my phone, and one shot looked like I was posing for those B-list movies (or should it be R-list, as in R-rated?) of the vegetable-nomenclature variety. #IKYWIM. Hence, the word, "Bombastarr." Yes, very cheeky, I know, but for a 13-year-old, it was quirky enough to figure as a username. That was 2005, right around the time I trying to decide on a URL for a new blog. It's been a lot of years since, and what started as a joke became something I've eventually embraced as an identity.

Despite the many other chances I've gotten to permanently move (to Multiply, Livejournal, Tumblr, Wordpress; to a bigger platform where I can earn or use the blog as a venue for commerce), I've come to realize that Bombastarr is something I can never truly leave behind. It is a place I've grown to appreciate and love because it is a place I can call my own. It's a venue for my rants, my views, my writing. It is home, and it is who I am.

Bombastarr is a glimpse of my life: the thoughts, ideas, and stories that shape it into what it is, and what it will still become. This journal has been with me for all my crazy, often embarrassing adventures, but I'm sure there will be more anecdotes and feelings and people to write about. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. After all, you know what they say about the greatest stories - sometimes, there's still a lot that's left unwritten.