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Barry O For President 2012

Friday, March 27, 2009

I still remember the day. The skies were blue, the air was crisp, and I, future leader of the Free World was lonely. I had recently been dumped by Jane Fonda. Not the actress, Jane Fonda the community organizer. She was not as thin as the actress, who was still famous for the exercise videos at the time. She wasn't as pretty, or even as smart. Hell, She wasn't even as smart as Ted Turner, but she was still my little plain Jane. I truly loved her...

We broke up because she thought I wasn't ambitious enough. You see back then I knew my limitations, and would never recklessly campaign for a job I am unqualified for. She thought that I should apply for the CEO job at the company we worked for- I felt I was not qualified, being fresh out of college, and having no "c-suite" experience...

Anyway, I was walking down Division st., bouncing from bar to bar. I think I was coming from a bar that was called "The Rockery" (I remember the t-shirts with a pink logo- pastels were all the rage back then) and about to turn into "Mothers" when I saw her. Here hair was as big as the Goodyear blimp, she was wearing tight turquoise stirrup pants and a leopard skin shirt. Her 6 inch heels clacking against the cement. I knew then that I was in love...

I pursued her in to the bar (Dicks last resort), and started looking for her. I knew that this was my one shot at true love. I finally saw the stirrup pants and leopard skin shirt- I ran to her. My heart was beating, about to burst out of my chest, I ran through the bar knocking collegians out of my way. When I got to her, I closed my eyes, spun her around and kissed her. This was no peck on the cheek. As I felt her firm buttocks, her tongue danced in my mouth. I opened my eyes, and to my horror it was Tim Geithner. He looked at my shocked expression, and pointed to Michelle (who was on the dance floor) saying "you must be looking for her."

I composed myself and walked up to her; I had to be sure this time, so I grabbed her crotch. She was not pleased, and kneed me in the groin. Then she kicked me repeatedly. Then she tried to drive her heel into my eye socket- thank God the bouncer got there first.

Anyway, as the sex crimes unit started to book me- she wandered over with two burly Chicago Police officers. She leaned over me, and said "Before I press charges, I have to know how anyone could be SO stupid?" I then told her about Geithner- and she laughed. We finished our conversation over breakfast at the Egg Harbor Lounge.