Category: love, life, humanity,

I’ve stood in front of no less than 5000 people in this last ten years. I am still shocked to be truthful, given that I couldn’t even pee in a public bathroom until I was 40 and only then because well..three kids..impatient bladder..there was no other option but to make peace with it.

For anyone that has seen me in a live show environment it may come as a surprise to discover that I am incredibly uncomfortable there. I am not entirely sure what I am doing up there; in fact, I am not even sure how I get there in the first place. I simply know that someone sweeps onto the stage like she was born to it, but I seriously don’t know who that person is. The only thing that makes sense to me is that I have a spirit guide that dives in and takes over before I have the opportunity to sage them into stupidity and run off to my corner to hide. I suddenly find myself staring into the top of a microphone and off we go. I have no explanation short of divine intervention.

It tends to throw some people when they meet me in an environment that is new to me and doesn’t come with a microphone attached. That’s pretty much any place where people gather and it’s ten times worse when it’s people I don’t know. There can be one stranger standing in a gymnasium and I will make every effort to stealthily move along the wall like Spider man trying to avoid being noticed. If I could throw string I’d simply swing over but in the real world…I’ll just glue myself to the nearest wall and avoid all eye contact believing that I am blending in and you will not notice me. Kinda like a praying mantis. You see me, you don’t see me. Except that it works for the odd green insect. Not so much for me. I’m too big and well..I’m not green and sitting on a fruit tree.

I am the most introverted and unintentional extrovert I have ever known.

I’ve stood in front of no less than 5000 people in this last ten years. I am still shocked to be truthful, given that I couldn’t even pee in a public bathroom until I was 40 and only then because well..three kids..impatient bladder..there was no other option but to make peace with it. To this day I will still lean over to scan for feet in the stalls to each side, and then carefully hold my breath while attempting to stream like a gentle brook babbling over pebbles. This is, however, becoming increasingly difficult to do and has taken on the sound of something similar to white water rafting as I move into my mid fifties. So now I have taken to making little tutt tutt noises with my mouth to deter you from the fact that I am emptying my bladder in the stall next door. It’s quite a life let me tell you. Peeing incognito to not draw attention and then dancing all over a stage with your grandmother five minutes later. I still struggle with understanding it.

Try to stop me and engage me in a conversation in any situation outside of my spirit stage and I will likely stare at you like a deer caught in the headlights. “Oh lord..you need me to talk right? Oh boy..how do I do that? What do I say? Why are you talking to me at all, I am not interesting and I just know I am going to trip over my own tongue. Please just back away slowly, you’re freaking me out a little”

But wait…hand me a microphone and push me on the stage and it’s all bets off. I open my mouth and something happens that even I don’t see coming. Words tumble from my face like confetti sprays on a bride and I suddenly become witty and wise all at once. It’s messed up, because I am not witty nor wise in any other environment. Unless I am at home. There I am both witty and wise ( and smart and absolutely adorable) although my spouse may call it something else entirely.

I cringe..I absolutely curl up from my toes when someone in a room full of strangers says “This is my friend the medium” Oh good God no. I think that often times people assume I am trying to hide that fact as a form of being standoffish, when in truth, it’s a protective thing to avoid having to speak to you at all. You scare me because you expect something profound to drop from my mouth, and the profoundest I can do is ask you for directions to the bathroom to pee quietly.

I realized how clearly I introvert when a comment was passed at the outset of my recent travel with my work cohorts. An additional artist that I don’t know well was coming along on this tour and as I settled into my space in the passenger seat, Sarah remarked “And now this is where Tania will just sit quietly and not say a word”. I was a bit taken aback until I realized that she wasn’t at all wrong in that assumption. I did exactly that for probably 2/3 of that entire ten days. On our long drive home she turned to me and asked me where I was as I stared out the side window. I replied lazily, “I’m nowhere really, neither here nor there” She stared at me for a moment before we both agreed that I am a bit of a weirdo.

Why am I sharing this with you? Well, for a couple of reasons. One being that I don’t really wish to be a social introvert but I am and there is simply no way of getting around that. It seems to be imprinted into my DNA somehow and no matter how hard I try to rewire, it’s here to stay. The last thing I would ever want anyone thinking is that I am aloof when in truth I am just ridiculously shy and lacking in communication skills because humans for the most part intimidate me. Dead people clearly not so much right?

Which brings me to the main reason I am sharing today.

People will often ask me how I know what I know about details of lives that I have no connection to. How I know about the orange cat that you have at home, or the fact that you absolutely love blueberries. How I know that you sleep in your spouses old socks, or that your collie just died last week. How I know that you have a tattoo over your heart when you have a shirt on that allows for no physical reason for me to know at all…

How do I know?

Because I trust completely.

Because I know myself well enough to understand that without trust I sincerely have no voice.

I have somehow developed a collaboration of trust between myself and a world that many can’t reach. I don’t know how I did it, and that’s absolute. I simply know that somehow I did or that perhaps somehow they did. What I do know with certainty is that I don’t communicate well on my own; I never have, and I doubt I ever will. But someone speaks when I grab the microphone and I know without a doubt it is not me. Crowds scare the bejesus out of me so let me assure you that whatever is happening has little to do with me personally. What I do accept with complete faith is that when I step up to that microphone that I am given an opportunity to use a gift that I have no clue how I got. I have an opportunity to actually hear my own voice. For someone such as myself, that is the greatest gift in the world. And your loved ones give that to me. Every single time I lift the mic. And what an incredible pleasure it is to accept that. I am grateful.

Disclaimer: I am not an astrologer nor a child psychologist. My opinions are based on many years of parenting and intuitive experience. The below observations are intended as suggestions and guidance only. They do not replace the professional opinion of health care professionals. Every child is different despite their similar sun positioning characteristics.

It makes me cringe when a parent comes to me struggling with a decision to medicate their child for certain behaviors. This is not to suggest that some children ( and adults) do not require some level of assistance, however for the purpose of this blog I want to assume that they do not. For the purpose of this blog I want to talk about typical sun sign characteristics that might come in helpful when dealing with your children.

I am doing so because; to be truthful, as a parent and grandparent it frustrates me to see your child medicated for something that can be considered typical characteristics of their sun sign. Keeping in mind that each child is different, raised in different environments and each has their own story, I will simply stick to the basics and allow you to decide for yourself what parts of your child is behavior and what parts are fixed by birth date.

The Air Signs

The three air signs are Aquarius, Libra and Gemini. While all present a similarity in their element they are truly as different as night and day.

Aquarius:

Take one part healer of humanity and blend with one part viper and you have your typical Aquarius. With an unusual ability to tend to those struggling, provide healing and nurturing you might expect to find a wayward animal hiding under their bed or a desire to adopt the child in the next desk because they look sad. Aquarius have a heart full of love to share. They can be quiet and loving or the class clown. Whatever way they feel that they can share healing they will adopt. And if healing means standing on their heads on their desk to change the environment then stand on their heads they will. The downside to this is their ability to rip your face off in a moment’s notice. Aquarius don’t often share this characteristic but be aware that it exists beyond their gaze. If they feel that their kind nature has been taken advantage of you can expect a litany of less than appropriate narrative to escape their lips with all the vengeance of a viper. Aquarius like to change their minds like they change their socks ( they best match their clothes by the way). In a nutshell for your five year old Aquarius. Loving, kind, gentle. Intolerant of bullies. Will stand up and say no and say it well. Will turn into a disturbed rattlesnake on a dime, often leaving teachers and parents wondering what might be the root of this sudden shift. The root is that they felt overwhelmed or taken advantage of. Talk about this first before assuming a behavior issue is looming.

Gemini

I always say that Gemini is the most likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. I have always wanted to poll schools to find the highest degree of this diagnoses because I am certain that Gemini will come into the top of the percentile. At times entertaining, infuriating and frustrating you have absolutely no idea where this child will take you from one moment to the next. Every moment is a new adventure. Easily bored they can become a source of frustration to even the seasoned educator. Over talkative and straight to the point, curious and questioning they are the adventurous soul, full of life, full of love and full of disruptions. Your Gemini loves to learn, but not necessarily in a confined environment. I call them the “new word everyday” sun sign. Bored quickly give them something new to challenge them! Lots of movement, lots of adventure and lots of patience will be required to handle these little ones. Oh, if you don’t like their decisions…wait five minutes….they’ll change it. Oh..and watch their little tempers…you never see it coming.

Libra

The natural balance in life. Little Libras detest confrontation of any sort and will go to great lengths to avoid it. I have a Libra myself and my biggest concern with him was that he would take the blame for everything in life just to avoid a fight. This can prove to be concerning in a school environment. Libras like balance in all situations and they will rarely choose sides in any debate. It is easiest in their little heads to just say that they caused the problem simply to make the problem go away. Libra is particularly hard on themselves and their efforts. Be mindful of this because many school projects will be handed in late because something didn’t feel balanced. This can often be misconstrued as lazy, obessive or sloppy but in truth they are seeking perfection. Libra can easily take on the personality of those around them, they seek truth and will emulate those that they hold to be leaders in this manner. Remind them to be their own person first and foremost.

The Water Signs : Pisces Cancer and Scorpio

Pisces:

Think of two fish tied at the tails with one going one way and the other going the other. A tug of war ensues. Pisces are compassionate to a fault and will often be seen as naive, making them the perfect victim for the less than appropriate peer group. Pisces are natural born leaders but struggle with finding the voice they need to lead often until later in life. Their formative years can be a struggle between choosing to follow the right group and their need to fit in. Pisces are the chameleons of the zodiac..their ability to slide into situations is mind boggling. Be mindful of this as they grow older. There exists a very fine line between vodka shots and church with these kids. No matter what situation they find themselves in..they WILL fit in..due to their nature of absorbing the experience completely. Encourage responsibility young with these kids. They live in a world of black and white. There exists no grey area. Provide outlets for the passions that drive them. Pisces children are dreamy and often mistaken as having attention issues. Nothing could be further from that truth. Ask them instead where they go during lessons and you will be treated to a world of fantasy and whimsy.

Scorpio

Ask your Scorpio child to write a poem about the sun and expect something straight out of Edgar Allen Poe. Be prepared parents. They can be seen as moody or depressed. These children are the most intense of the astro wheel. They can fool you. Generally quiet and reserved, they are quick to snap to judgements and wherever the story lacks direction they will make up their own. Born diggers these kids want to know the answer, the reason and the motivation behind everything in life. And if the answers don’t fit with their decisions well watch out. They are incredibly stubborn when they feel that they are right. You could present them with concrete evidence and they will still cock their heads and remark “well I don’t know about that”. Dramatic, intense and oftentimes brooding, they can be accused of sulking behavior. They can tend to be loners but its natural to them so don’t worry. These kids make incredible investigators or police officers due to their predisposition to believe there is more to any story. Scorpios can be misinterpreted as socially awkward and introverted.

Cancer

Soft, loving and incredibly quick to temper in the right circumstances. The cancer child can be loyal to a fault but don’t you mess with them. They forget NOTHING when slighted or offended. Natural born introverts they tend to keep their circle small and will often be found to be the listeners instead of the leader in a classroom setting. Little Cancers love their quiet time and their favorite subject will most likely be nap time. They are drawn to the underdogs because for some odd reason they seem to understand them best. Expect to find this child huddled in a corner with the disruptive ones trying to soothe them. If there is a pet in the classroom this child will generally have it cuddled in their lap. Cancer can be misinterpreted as having little direction or interest.

Oh, you wanted a quiet child did you? Bright and inquisitive, these kids epitomize the word “why” and you will hear it many many times over. Natural debaters these kids possess a gentle ability to see both sides of any argument from a logical perspective and yet still win any argument. They are like mini defense lawyers in training. Very confidant when they find their niche they must be cautioned against being the solo voice of reason on any subject. A good debating club or position of leadership would suit them through their educational years. Naturally social they can have a tendency toward chattiness. They can be seen as lazy until they get their first job. At that point money becomes the focus and you will rarely need to remind them to get up for work. These kids can be seen as flighty and without direction.

Aries

Keep an eye on your cunning little ram. Charming to a fault at times, they have an ability to wrap teachers and peers around their little fingers while creating their empire. They are the consummate charmers of the classroom. Witty and bright they can make any experience memorable, but back them into a proverbial corner when called out on something and watch out. You’re in trouble. They will fight back with the ferocity of a tiger. Not fans of rules, they are incredibly intelligent, witty and industrious. Organized and bright, these kids make incredible leaders. They would do well a buddies to children younger, school council members and the like. Not being pulled into the “way things should be” you could expect some push-back at school against ideas that are too confining. This behavior can be seen as controlling or bossy. In fact, it’s anything but that. If anything at all it’s a desire to do things more easily to arrive at the intended conclusion.

Leo

Oh the charmer..the leader…the loyal and the true. This is your little Leo. Natural entertainers these kids can take control quickly with their humor and their predisposition toward desiring attention. This is the child that will never walk into a classroom unnoticed. Leos are hard little workers and know to settle into their expected duties and are generally little problems to anyone. Loyalty is their buzz word and if they feel that you are not living to their standards they will roar and walk off never to return. Encourage these kids to be more forgiving of their friends. Due to their charming nature they can be sometimes seen as manipulative. Many teachers have fallen for their big eyes and soft smiles. Very creative they should be encouraged to follow their passions.

Earth: The sure footed of the astro wheel your Earth signs are responsible, determined and difficult to sway.

Taurus

Oh the formidable bull. A frustrating mixture of you never quite know what you’re getting. Your Taurus child is a born leader and will often be referred to as difficult and opinionated. They will simply not change their stance on any issue. Once their mind is made up good luck changing it. They will skirt emotional discussions with humor and a mild sarcastic wit. Incredibly calm in the face of any storm they provide others with a sense of being someone they can turn to for strength. Taurus are well known for their “I’ll do it in my time” way of life. If you have expectations of something being done in your time..well..just stop expecting. You’ll just be banging your head against the proverbial wall. Loyal, steadfast and private…they can often be considered to be holding back or not truthful, when in fact, they are simply respectful of their own private lives. Taurus can be seen as instigators or button pushers. A natural wit and sarcasm they will light fires and walk away giggling.

Virgo

The classroom helper. These kids are meticulous and well organized for the most part. They crave perfection and the discovery that perfection does not exist can create some issues. Virgo tends to gravitate toward the teachers that are prepared on time. This is not a loosey goosey sun sign. They are natural born leaders but be prepared for howls of frustration should their attempts go unnoticed. Any and all tasks they offer to assist with should be acknowledged or you will find yourself with a sullen child who feels disrespected for their efforts. Virgos hold others to incredibly high standards. They must be reminded that human is human and sometimes people are less than perfect. These kids can sometimes be seen as obsessive and overly controlled.

Capricorn

Capricorn is most likely to be voted school cop. If there is an issue developing you can fully expect your Capricorn to be on top of it and quickly. This can sometimes be seen as “squealing” to the fellow classmates, but to a Capricorn it is all about justice and doing the right thing. Even if the right thing isn’t exactly right at all. They will stick to their guns, dig in their heels and refuse to see it any other way. It is rare to see your Capricorn in the principals office unless they are filing a complaint about school policies or a bullying episode that went unattended. Born leaders they are well suited to school council or a position where they feel responsible. Put them in charge of the class hamster and all will go well. These kids can be assumed to have confrontational issues.

Look deeper when dealing with any school based issues. Understand your child first before seeking to push out natural tendencies.

The other day during a reading I was talking to a client about intimacy in the face of physical challenges….

**Permission was granted for the postscript at the end**

I’m sitting here staring at a blank page and to my right a reminder keeps blinking that I haven’t written anything yet. With a (!) to drive it home in case I didn’t understand the gravity of it all.

I guess, given that my last blog post about eggs garnered more than a dozen new followers, the “blogasphere” is impatient to see what I can do to glean interest today. I’ll admit to some mild surprise about that surge. It was eggs for heavens sake. We like our yolk I guess. Who knew.

This morning I was sprayed in the chest by my motion sensor air freshener. I’ve had cinnamon french toast wafting into my nostrils ever since. It’s not bad actually; providing me the relaxing sensation of my grandma’s kitchen. It’s also much cheaper than my usual fragrance, so I think I might be onto something.

Erma Bombeck is my literary idol. Have I ever mentioned that before? Some might have believed that I poured over spiritual sonnets on my journey to here, but in truth, I chose to follow the real life adventures of a middle aged woman with a snappy sense of humor and a common sense approach to living.

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say “I used everything you gave me” Erma

My “eau du french toast” shower today reminded me that sometimes you can smell delicious for only 9.99. A big lesson for someone like me, prone to overthinking and over trying, over compensating and over achieving. And a damn sight less stressful than driving across a city congested with construction to purchase the aroma that I believe makes me happiest. Oddly that fragrance is aptly called Happy Heart. But to be truthful I am happier right now sharing the morning humor that is making my chest bone glow. There must be shellac in this.

I’ve been struggling lately with what else I can share with those looking for my “wise” words. I feel like I have shared it all, tried to comfort the masses with the usual vocabulary and what I call “psychic fluffy”. I felt like I hadn’t shared all of the talents that I possess. I reached out to the spirit side last night for some guidance. And this morning got sprayed by Grandma’s kitchen. It wasn’t profound at all but it certainly got my attention.

“Wake up and smell the cinnamon stupid”

Sometimes the simpler words smell better.

Real life will hurt. Death will hurt. Relationships will fail, good things will go, bad things will come. Balance is struck in every facet of the journey. Grieving is the most powerful reminder of all that we cannot control.

What we can control is how we choose to smell to others. Strong and musky and powerful or soft and gentle like a warm plate of french toast.

I am voting up french toast.

I’ll take that over sex any day.

Postscript:

The other day during a reading I was talking to a client about intimacy in the face of physical challenges. She apologized for her honesty and remarked that with her severe arthritis that even self pleasure was impossible because her fingers would freeze for hours in that position. I laughed harder than I have laughed in forever. And she laughed with me.

And that my friends…

Is pure Erma power.

Let’s get back to basics. We will die to be sure. But let’s live until we have to.

The moment that the food arrives to my impatient soul, I morph. It’s rather incredible really. I stop spinning my head and the angel of love and light appears. I call it the “three eggs and toast exorcism”….

I get downright horrible in the absence of breakfast. It doesn’t matter if I have pulled an all night writing marathon and stuffed my face with cold pizza and Doritos; if I don’t get my breakfast I turn into an absolute bear. My husband has been the recipient of many less than attractive moments as we’ve torn up the highway in search of something to fill my scowling face. It’s always his fault if we didn’t take up accommodation close to a coffee shop, his fault that I am angry and his fault of course that I just threatened to chew off his right ear.

I’ll scrummage through the glove box hoping for something to sate me. Then finding nothing lean over the back seat and start foraging for the left overs from last nights gas bar stop. My husband simply stares straight ahead, I can see his last nerve clicking at his jaw junction but I persist regardless. There is no question by this point that the potential for spouseacide ( it’s not a word but you understand) exists as his fingers more tightly grip the wheel.

I am an incredibly demanding person to survive life with.

The moment that the food arrives to my impatient soul, I morph. It’s rather incredible really. I stop spinning my head and the angel of love and light appears. I call it the “three eggs and toast exorcism”. My other half just stares at me with the most incredulous expression. As we exit the building that created this transformation, I will smile happily, wave goodbye to the food fairies and express what a beautiful day it is.

He follows behind burning holes into the back of my head. I know it.

We climb back into the SUV, I adjust my sunglasses and turn to grin at him. He responds with a simple suspicious glance and replies “Ok Sybil. If only those people that think you are so wonderful knew what I just witnessed”

I embrace the mornings that start in my own home. Where I can be in control of my own demon and fry my own eggs. It is not without it’s slight tension of course. Standing at the stove I call out to the other half that I am making some breakfast and would he like to join me. And every time without fail, he doesn’t hear me. I call it louder. He still doesn’t respond. By this point the danger of a flying fry pan is imminent as I draw a big breath and wrestle with the inner Linda Blair.

“Are you deaf or something!!??” inevitably hisses from my lips like a snake that suddenly attacks from the bushes. He turns, lowers his glasses and says…

“No I heard you the first time”

I break his second yolk as a means of revenge.

“Sorry about that one dear. It’s a bit rubbery”

Grin.

If you see my spouse at an event and you speak with him, please know that he is biting through his tongue as you express to him how very lucky he is to be married to someone like me. If you pay close attention to his pursed up smile or his quick eye movement you will see that this morning he had breakfast with the truth.

Everything in life demands balance. Right?

What I love the most is that it is often something so simple that creates the shift from dark to light. Something as simple as three eggs and toast.

“Grief is an emotional, spiritual and psychological journey to healing”

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

I sat on the edge of the unmade bed waiting for the cup of tepid coffee to spurt from the small brewer in my hotel room. As the gurgling stopped, I heard the familiar ding indicating an inbox message had just arrived. I stood up, wrestled with the plastic packaging that held my creamer pack and poured it in. I was stirring the oily substance into the dark brew as I ran my thumb over my notification to find her message.

“She’s gone. My sister is gone”

Knowing my dear friend as well as I do, and her predisposition to long winded narratives, these simple six words were indicative of the shock, the confusion, the pain and the tears that she was typing through. Not knowing in those moments where to turn to share such news, she had come to me, knowing that I would understand what she was trying to convey. I sat stunned for a brief moment, I barely recall what I responded with as the waves of her agony washed over me.

She is the grief counselor. I am the medium. And for those brief moments to follow, our shared understanding of death fell to the wayside as neither of us could find the words to make this disappear. This wasn’t a typical death. Her sister was younger, living life, raising a child, vivacious…and a few hours before this one….she was alive. Or perhaps it was a typical death for those that we respectively counsel, but in that space of time, we were without vocabulary and hopeless together. I didn’t have to utter a syllable, and she didn’t expect one. A thousand miles apart we sat together in the silence and found some odd comfort there.

I closed my eyes against my tears, calmed the punch into my stomach and sent her my angels.

This news shook me to my very core. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this so deeply. I didn’t know her sister well, I had met her only twice. I only knew of their ridiculous adventures, their shared love of anything inappropriate and their bond that I envied from afar. My struggle with finding the right things to say grew stronger as I bombarded her with flippant and humorous anecdotes to move her through the process of the first days of her loss. Her pain was far too familiar, our friendship too close. Thankfully, her sister being the powerful woman she was, was able to assist me with her words often falling from my fingertips and spilling onto the page in front of me. Some were not the most comforting of words and my instinct was to backspace them away. But true to myself I left them there hanging and was brightened by the laughter on the other end. My friend needed these words so I left them for her.

A few weeks ago now, the process of the expected duties of the bereaved came to a crashing halt. It happens. After the whirlwind of must do is over, the silence of not knowing what to do will descend. She took to sharing her thoughts in her not knowing.

” What my sister has taught me about grief is that you cannot hide from it. As an educated psychotherapist, I have read about this and counseled others but now I am living it. You can stay as busy as possible and you can take care of everyone, but it will come looking for you. Those times when something hilarious just happened and you go to text her, it will find you. In those times when you see a family photo after she’s gone and instantly notice her absence, it will find you. Those times when you think about the trips you had planned to take, it will find you.”

You cannot hide from it.

I saw my friend yesterday. We sat on her couch and she shared over lemon blueberry scones with warm butter and coffee. Well, coffee for me. Steeped tea with an ungodly amount of sugar for her. “Coffee will kill ya” Yes, well so will sugar in copious amounts. Ding ding.

But I digress.

She curled her legs up beneath her, picked away at her scone and spoke of her anger surrounding certain elements of such a profound loss. Her resentment in finding that some didn’t recognize how to allow for healing. As I sat listening, I began to recognize the tone of her voice, the pinch of her lips and the sadness in her eyes. As I sat watching her I saw myself and heard all of the words I have never expressed.

It’s been nearly two years since I also lost someone very dear to me. I have lost many people but not one of them provided me a better lesson in out running grief such as this one did. Maybe it was his age, his unassuming manner, his expectation of nothing, his gratefulness for the small things. Maybe it was simply that we grew up together. Or maybe it is my own anger over a life not fully lived. I really have no answer for it. All I do know is that every now and then…swells of grief wash over me while I scramble to find a beach bucket to scoop them away, because I just don’t have time for this today…

You cannot hide from it

I know because I’ve been trying.

There is no hiding from this. You can’t comfort it away in comforting others. You can’t busy it away in heavy schedules and must do lists. You can’t write it away, dance it away or dream it away. It is a part of your world and you must allow yourself to honor that part by giving space to it when it demands. You can’t pencil in the time you spend with it. It simply is there and it rarely announces its arrival.

Grief showed up yesterday and I allowed it in. To share blueberry lemon scones with warm butter. To share familiar words and familiar feelings with a friend.

And grief will show up again next week, next month or next year.

And I will sit with it over hot coffee and blueberry scones…

And share with it what it will teach me.

And then share it with you.

My friend’s blog is below if you wish to read the rest of her words. I would do so, because she is incredibly gifted at helping us understand. She opened my eyes yesterday without even intending to do so. That’s a gift. 🙂

Only parents that have lost a child can understand a parent that has lost a child.

And only children that have left without you can understand a child that arrives without you.

“Follow me, follow me, I know the way”

I am no expert in child loss. I am simply a mum with an unusual ability to help you in some small way to navigate the profound pain of your journey.

No one likes to consider the possibility that a child may go ahead before we do. In the textbook of natural progression, the expectation is that the children assemble at the bedside of the aged parent as they draw close to the end of the physical breath. And although this process is still painful, the ability to find closure is simply easier. The dying adult has forged relationships along the way, expressed their own understanding of what they might expect once they arrive to the other side, and take with them a myriad of experiences and memories. It’s just easier. We derive some measure of comfort that dad or mum might be waiting to greet them. Maybe the neighbor of 40 years that became like a brother…or someone else that the loved one has created a relationship with over their human lifetime. We just innately understand that somehow, in their adult years, that they are safe on arrival.

If you are a parent or a care giver of a child you will understand the overwhelming fear that strikes you as your five year old steps away from you in the clothing racks. You glance down with the expectation that they are standing beside you and your heart leaps in panic when you don’t see them there. Logically we know that they can’t possibly be more than ten feet away but this does not deter us from the parental instinct of fear.

“Where did they go!?” presents a tunnel vision type of scenario where you rush to find them, everything in your cart forgotten in a split second. Finding them moments later giggling behind the service desk you finally release the breath you’ve been holding. “Don’t you EVER do that to me again! You scared poor mummy half to death!”

I’ve spent thousands of hours with parents who can’t find them. And whether it be that they have passed through to wait on the heaven side, or that they are missing the desperate need to know where they went is crippling. To know that they are safe and not afraid is overwhelming. It matters not that they were with them when they left. They do not know where they are. Long relationships were not forged. A lifetime of memories were not created. The child is gone and to the grieving parent…

The child went alone.

And for those that support or have in your company those grieving this pain I beg you to consider for a moment that these parents will never stop looking. Please be mindful to not deter them from their need to do so. It is an inherent right as a parent to seek out their babies. Never ask them to give that up by suggesting that it’s time to move on. Or that other children need them now. Or that other children are possible. To these parents their children are missing. And as a parent yourself, would you ever stop looking…ask yourself before offering advice….would I stop looking?

Now for my words and from the value of my abilities, I can offer you the comfort of knowing that they didn’t go alone. Call them Angels, call them Divine presence, call them what you are comfortable with. But the little ones..they never go alone. As you sit with me and tell me that no other family that they would “know” was waiting, I can assure you that there was. But first….

A child will appear. A child not much older than your own. With sparkling eyes and dimples that dance as they call out to yours…

“Follow me, follow me, I know the way”

A child like your own child. A tiny soul that had to leave their family too soon . A wise young soul that understands everything that you don’t in that moment. A patient little person who knows that you are aching and struggling with who is waiting.

A perfectly divine child will be there for you when you can’t be there for them. An entity of the purest love and the the lightest of giggles will lead them home. A child that smells of sunshine and sand. A child that lived a brief lifetime here yet carries a hundred lifetimes of heaven. A child that understands your pain more than anyone else can possibly understand.

A child of parents just like yourself.

A child just like yours.

And one day, not too far from today, the child you grieve will be that child…

And another parent will grieve. And another parent will ask…

“Where did they go?”

And your child will answer…

” Follow me, follow me, I know the way”

And I will smile softly as an Angel leads them away.

Only parents that have lost a child can understand a parent that has lost a child.

And only children that have left without you can understand a child that arrives without you.