"You're a demigod and his paladin. Or a paladin of the goddess that the
demigod is demi of."

"That's the nice thing about being a paladin of the goddess of chaos.
As long as you don't blow up the temple, the goddess approves!"
"And sometimes, if you blow up the temple, the goddess still approves."

"Sheep be damned! He screws the old!"
"Wait, so now she's his sister and his grandma?"

"I make the ships how I think they should be made."
"Turd with legs."
"Hey. It's a designer turd with legs."

"He gave us an opening for the old people thing, yet for some reason,
we're still on the sheep."

"We are one dysfunctional adventuring party."
"Yes. And we talk about sphincters, and screwing old people goats."

"I power up the ship and start to fly it out of the mine shaft."
"This turd is now exiting the sphincter!"
"Got the turtle head pokin' out..."

"Ha ha, you don't have a dick! Wait a minute, I don't have one either."

"See, usually when you make a perfect warrior, you want to give it a really
big wang."

[The demigod's players comment on finding out that out of all the male characters
in the party, he is the only one with a functioning penis.]
"Lucky for you guys, my dick is divine enough for all three of us."

"Right. He's practicing discipline forms, with his gloved fist."

"When all this is over, I am so going to write a bunch of songs based
on our Legendary campaign and release them under the name Worse Than Chirprich."

[About the reason the Streik need to conquer everything.]
"It was probably just a misunderstanding. Since their language involves
flipping everyone off, they flipped everyone off and got the crap beat out of
them for it, so in response they started beating the crap out of everyone else."
"For 82,000 years."

"I'd do a fish maiden before I did a chick who was made out of wood. Splinters,
man."
"It's your turn in the barrel!"

"When were we fighting children?""Always."

"It's very specific in my background that I have a butt."
"Yes. Yes, it is."

"See, I used to run around, before I started wearing all this crap."
"And now you still run around, even though you're wearing all this crap."

"Maybe they're going to come help us, and pour hot oil on the babies."

"Heh. You gotta get your ship together."

"They're manning the back end!"
"Their anus is bleeding!"

"How much damage does your crossbow do?"
"+9."
"Holy shit! Isn't it an Epic Aptitude just to get a +1?"
"No, it doesn't actually work that way. You see..."
"...Basically it came down to oral sex."
[massive and protracted laughter]
"Dude, it so did not. If it had, you know I would've held out to
be able to keep the Aptitude that gave me multiple attacks. I'm not the type
of girl who gives up that easily."

"I'm going to go question the sh...Shoemen? Shipmen? Crewmen?"

"Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Streik Empire?"

"You just got hit on by the Swiss Guard."

"I wan't getting my butt kicked."
"You were so! You were getting stabbed in the back by two-handed swords!"
"Dude, that would've killed me. Twice."

[says the chaos demigod] "I can organize. I worked on a fishing boat."

"Dramatic Aptitude to not get chicks pregnant! Or I could just cut my
balls off and save the Aptitude."

"Amon?"
"I'm coming."
"So is Gareth."
[Noel farts.]
"Yeah, that's about how I feel about this NPC."
"...And now we have another ship!"

"I think that after Rasp, Chirprich just gave up on people and moved on
to airships."

"So, does Noel do sheep or kids in every game he's in?"

"You see, rooms tend to shrink when you're casting fireball in
them. The bigger the asshole, the smaller the room."

"I cast fireball!"
"Okay. You realize that this corridor is, like, 5 by 5 by 5, right?"
"...Did you just call me an asshole?"

"So looking at porn is now a sexuality?"
"No, it's now a gender."

"He should become fae, and then he could be the fairy ferry boatman."
"Shut up, Beth, you're ruining the plot!"

"I was so excited to go into battle last time! And then I wet myself and
passed out."

"Does the guy look like he's in trouble?"
"He's impaled on the brake lever!"
"You punched his face off!"

"This chick is like the Terminator!"
"That's what the Lucy clones are supposed to be like. Well, not all of
them. Some of them are just like, 'Me me ME me me!' and suck and fall over and
die."
"Kind of like the one we've got."

"No, I think a spar is like a Davey Crockett spear. You know, like, 'Kilt
him a spar when he was only three.'"
[everyone sings] "Amon...Amon Goldfish. King of the wild frontier."
"And sheep!"

"Can I see the explosives table again?"
"Ah, the words that every GM longs to hear."

"We just can't seem to get on track tonight, and it's awesome!"

"Four Lucy clones? No way would we fight four Lucy clones."
"Yeah. We'd just stand back and lob weather at them."

"Yeah, the way to sneak into that hideout is to quit baiting me
and fucking roleplay."

"Oh, shut up. She would totally wail on you if there was more than one
of her and less than four of you."

"...Using my offensive version of Control Wind."
"You mean the one where you fart in people's faces?"

[After finding out that Amon draws power from getting hit by lightning and
Rasp draws power from getting beat up.]
"See, we need to get you a taser and me a stick."

"Um, no, he just got done ramming the Lucy."

"But if it's coming to this world, then they know about it already."
"Yes, but we win. [pause] I'm sorry. I did not just pull a Bill
and Ted's Excellent Adventure."

"This is Eric's forte, right here. A fortress of way too much knowledge."

[Rasp's internal monologue.]
"Why are they all grunting and growling at each other? I'm going to go
make chicken. Where's my rock?"

"What's his name?"
"Philandering Scoundrel."
"Phil for short."

"You have friends in this town?"
"Yes. Old friends. This is where I was found in a Dumpster."

"The master is ain't here."

"You see a mime. It's a lonely mime."

"This is a very interesting fantasy world, that has both Dumpsters and
croissants."

"...And the next day, dragons are the scum of the Earth! I wipe my butt
with them! [pause] Whoa."

"Okay, so I will impregnate the stone with..."
[Very long pause while everyone but Noel cracks up.]
"Yeah, that's right. I said impregnate. [yells through wall] IMPREGNATE!"

"It's going to be sweet when I grow my wings back."
"It's going to be sweet when I stop caring."
"It's going to be sweet when I no longer have a purpose in life and have
to create one."

"The Fortress of Too Much Knowledge does not show up on your gaydar."
"I guess it's heterosexual, then."
"Yes. And the ships are gay, because Noel's character made them."

"As you go north, your gaydar does indeed start to go off..."

"When the gaydar goes off, who sees it?"
"Sai-Roh. He's very attuned to things like that."

[After ~10 minutes of jokes about homosexuality and pedophilia relating to
Sai-Roh.]
"...You see, it's funny, 'cause this is all completely true."

"What's your Larceny, Amon?"
"Zero."
"Well, roll it anyway. [under his breath, as dice are being picked up]
Even though you're never going to make it."
[rolls] "Twenty. So, when you add in my Soul, that's a thirty."
[brief pause]
"Yeah, Eric, what you just said? Never say that to Iain."

"I'm sure that the god of revelry fathered a lot of demigods. He probably
had, like, ten penises."

"This is a very carefully constructed plan. How can we best put Rasp in
harm's way?"

"We're like the Wizard of Oz adventuring party, here. He needs wings,
he needs testicles, you need your lover back, I need my individuality..."
"Yeah, and then we'd go see the wizard and he'd tell us those things were
inside of us all along."
"And then we'd be like, 'Fuck you, bitch!' and kill him."

"Maybe the Sai-Roh clones are smarter than the Lucys?"
"I don't think you've earned the right to talk to me like that."
"...The hilarious thing is, he just made you defend your clones."

"What does the ship run on?"
"Angst."
"Self-satisfaction."
"Sexual satisfaction."
"Penis envy."
"The Lucy clone and the Sai-Roh clone having sex."

"The robe that I wear was recently in a tornado, so you'd better bet that
anyone who's standing under me is getting a show."

"Wow. Civilization is really making a comeback if tuxedos are back in
fashion."

"That's where Mike lives. On Big Cock Road."

"He comes out with a picture of what is obviously a uniform..."
"It's also obviously crotchless."

"The reason that we came here to talk to you is because we wanted to ask
you to join our alliance."
"But now that we've met you, we just changed our minds."

"He has a high Craft. He makes dresses so good, they can talk."
"Yeah. I did that once."

"Anything that grows in the spring, I can make."
"So, horny young men?"

"Bidgely, man the back end!"
"I'm way ahead of you!"
"Or behind you, as the case may be."

"They don't shake hands in the Realm. They just wish it so."

"Generally in an epic fantasy world, when two people who really don't
like each other get sealed into a dark, enclosed space together, there's only
one thing that can happen."
"Especially when one of them starts it out with, 'Come over here, there's
something I want to show you.'"

"That's it. We're breaking into song and dance."

"It screws balls first!"

"Wait, there are quotes in that book that aren't about a penis
or an ass?"

"Pobble eventually flies out, leaving a wake of horror and destruction
in his wake."

"I'm kind of fixated on my own body."
"Oh, so am I."

"Are there any gods on this planet who don't hate you, Amon?"
[thinks] "Dark and Light, they don't mind me."
"Well, that's good, seeing as how we're always in one or the other."

"Dude, even I can't poo in five minutes."

"No, I'm not immune to it, because I do have a butt."
"That you oil on a regular basis?"
"No, Rasp does it for him."

"They're having a little disagreement about who will control all of the
syphilis in Atsi..."

"They're fraternal twins with different fathers?"
"What did I say? Our mom was a whore."

"Runny stools for all!"

"Dude, it's no problem. That whole thing, I totally missed it. Like, I
was waiting for pizza, and it totally wasn't coming, 'cause it turns out there
was some kind of god war going on! And when the pizza guy finally did show up,
I was like, 'Dude, no tip for you. You're, like, 20 years late.' And he was
like, 'Dude! I had to invent pizza first!'"

[Rasp, about his cooking "skills."]
"My Craft is 0, my Knowledge is 1, but I'm really excited about it."

"Very bad things are about to happen."
"Like the barbecued strawberry shark?"

"Everything's a little more dramatic here in Legendary, including our
scabs and rashes."

"I have an infinite supply of pirates. They all have two hook arms, and
two peg legs, and a monkey on one shoulder and a parrot on the other. And to
top it off, an eyepatch. Over each eye."

"No, our Sai-Rohs were never here."
"Fuck! I just used one as a projectile!"

"Fuck! Where'd my giant cock go?"

"You guys just keep cock-blocking me left and right here, tonight."

[sings] "Sai-Roh, Sai-Roh, it's your turn now to go. So shoot some shit
and blow it up. Sai-Roh, Sai-Roh."

"The Lucys take a defensive stance."
"Oh, that's okay. I've got plenty more natural 20s where that came from."
"I hate you. I just thought I'd point that out."

"The penis got penetrated? Ooh, there's a reversal."

"Having no skin is a skin condition, right?"

"This entire team is just a walking dick and fart joke."

"You violate its bowels most resoundingly."

"Dude, hit magma and I'll be the happiest fucker ever."

"This is what you get for inviting strange demigods into your adventuring
party."

"Melmorg is just going to encourage the volcano, because he likes it."
"Damn! You mean the one that I'm standing in?"

"Well, as long as the volcano erupts, I consider this a win for me."

[Said with a complete lack of irony as a volcanic eruption, a hurricane, and
a tsunami are all taking place within the same one-mile radius.]
"Well, now that I see that things are quieting down..."

"I say that we defile their holy places."

"So before we go off to do this stupid, stupid thing that we're about
to do..."
"Dude, it's Legendary. What else are we going to do?"

"I try to make strip mining as uncomfortable for the earth as possible."
"I open up a really wide hole just so I can pee in it!"

"As long as we've got an army of angry people hunting us down and demanding
our deaths, it means our plan is working!"

"I picture him as being like Bluto in Animal House, only with the
powers of a deity."

"I guess that if you live in a swamp that's forbidden, you might have
to fuck a bat."

"I smoked crack once, but I didn't inhale!"

"This pipe is Doritos years old."

"You're getting felt up by your crack pipe."

"He must have had very interesting scrying for the last 300 years as a
crack pipe."

"You're flying along with your schlong waving in the breeze."
"Flailing. Like a fat bedsheet."

"Damn it! Don't blow up the lasers! They heal me!"
"I don't know that!"
"Well, why can't we communicate telepathically?!"
"Because you're not in the clone network! If you were in the clone network,
then we could talk all we wanted and have free night and weekend calling!"

"Hey, can it be a free Definition to say that this planet is populated
by flying fish babies?"
"All named Nemo."

The Players and Characters:Amon, a demigod who's the son of the goddess of air and chaos and
the village idiot, with spectacular powers over wind. Played by Iain.Efla, a sentient, telepathic, astral projecting rock in search of true
enlightenment. Played by Crystal.
Lucy Zero, an escaped Streik medical experiment and aspiring resistance
leader whose powers come from her many, many, many clones. Played by Beth.Rasp, a paladin of chaos with a burning hatred and desire for revenge
toward Chirprich, the god of perfection. Played by Weldon.Sai-Roh, an alien artificer and builder of powerful airships, with control
of earth and metal and a mysterious origin. Played by Noel.
Narrator: Eric Z.