Befuddled Somali Pirates Abandon Attack on Disney Cruise Ship

PORT D’ANDRATX, Mallorca (TheSkunk) — A group of Somali pirates retreated from their armed assault on the cruise ship “Disney Magic” Friday after being mocked and manhandled by its passengers.

The ship was on its final leg of a seven day voyage around the Mediterranean, when three Somalis boarded the ship from the starboard side, firing their guns loudly into the air. They made their way through the crowded deck, carrying open satchels and asking the amused vacationers to hand over their jewelry and cash.

“They pretended to rifle through women’s purses, like they were looking for doubloons or something,” chuckled Carla Perkins, a college freshman who was accompanied on the cruise by her boyfriend. “That’s when everyone simultaneously began singing ‘Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a Pirate’s Life for Me!’ It was very cool.”

Children then ran up to the pirates, “laughing and screaming with delight,” as they kicked the fanciful costumed buccaneers in their rear ends and punched them in the guts.

The pirates responded by chasing the kids around the deck, recounted Perkins, occasionally tripping on lounge chairs and “shouting to one another in their indecipherable pirate language.”

“No one puts on a show like Disney,” declared passenger Emile Johnson, who brought his wife and kids on the cruise. “Throughout the week we met Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, Mickey Mouse — and now the Pirates of Caribbean guys. What a wonderful surprise!”

At one point, the head pirate grabbed an elderly man and threatened to throw him off the ship if his demands weren’t met.

“We had seen the same old guy wandering around the Promenade Deck in previous days and assumed he was a passenger,” recalled Johnson. “We had no idea he was a highly trained stunt performer who was part of the pirate show. We were all yelling, ‘Throw him overboard, Matey!’ and ‘Send him to Davey Jones’ locker.’”

“It was too funny when they tossed him over the railing,” added Billy Johnson, 12. “The actress playing his wife was, like, all crying and ‘Please don’t take my husband, we’ve been married 60 years,” and stuff like that.”

In addition to the pirates, Billy said he enjoyed the other Disney characters participating in the show.

“The actor dressed up in the Pluto costume acted all scared and everything when he saw the pirates. He ran around screaming, ‘I’m going to die! We’re all going to die!,’ then hid inside the ship somewhere. I think they even made a little pee come out his leg.”

According to Johnson, at some point during the final verse of “Yo Ho Yo Ho,” the Somalis threw their hands up in the air, “as if they’d had enough.” Using a rope ladder, they climbed down the side of the vessel and left the scene in a small motor boat.

“In some respects, it was better than the original ride,” he opined. “More authentic.”

The departure of the pirates was followed by a standing ovation that Johnson believes lasted for at least three minutes.

“This was the best show I’ve ever seen, anywhere,” he added. “I’m just not sure which one was supposed to be Johnny Depp,”