Under threat of subpoena based on the Freedom of Information Act, the White House confirmed yesterday that Barack Obama’s cultural blackness was placed in a blind trust beginning during his campaign for president in 2008 and expected to last until he has finalized the financing for his presidential library.

The details of the unprecedented arrangement were released as the result of a video posted by the Daily Caller which set in motion a series of inquiries and accusations. In the 2007 video, Obama can be seen utilizing decidedly different speech patterns from those displayed since his arrival on the national stage in 2008. So jarringly different was that Obama from the one which Americans have come to know, that the White House was forced to disclose the blind trust just to avoid more damaging speculation about whether the more culturally attuned Obama may have been kidnapped at some point.

The cultural blind trust mirrors the type of arrangements utilized for financial assets, however it differs in that there are some exceptions. The exceptions include, but are not limited to, the following scenarios:

ACORN video conference calls

Family picnics

Non-regional daytime talk shows

Playing with pets on White House grounds

Pickup basketball games not open to the public

Interviews over March Madness bracket selections prior to the Sweet Sixteen round

Hosting White House events where the median age of guests is 35 years or less

The above details are sure to fill many presidential biographies in the future. But none of them are what everyone is commenting on today. It turns out the Obama has, for lack of a better phrase, a cultural watchdog whose job it is to ensure that Obama’s blackness is held in check to ensure his reelection. Towards that end, the cultural attache’s way of notifying Obama that he has ventured into dangerous territory is to have songs from a certain artist piped through the White House.

I hate it when you are confident enough to be magnanimous – it means your victory is so complete, so overwhelming, you can spare these morsels of praise you carry around in your pocket, not unlike the Don used carry around politicians – my horror continues unabated – that aside, thanks brother!