I heard the voice of the wind
I want to know the rest of the dream
No one will tell me
My chest was smeared red...

I want only you to understand
Why I must return...

Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that's crying out can no longer reach anyone

Like it's concealing this body's pains
I'm embraced by kindness from the sky...

The moon reflected in those eyes is pretty
Even as the night is not finished

Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that's crying out can no longer reach anyone

Deeply in this endlessly continuing white earth
I'm still falling and cannot be healed by anyone

Like being enveloped in that small body
I'm embraced by the wagtail's kindness...

I lie with the kindness from the sky
And am embraced by the earth's warmth...

ASH

Our laughing voices danced along the wind
The glittering sunset was a promise for tomorrow

I found you just as the moon began to shine
A transient dream of a faded age

Even the peace is broken over and over again, never to return
The overflowing hatred burns this night to its core...

The murmur of the forest is a gentle song
Just for a fleeting moment, it's a happy dream

Even in the freezing pain, I still remember kindness
If you can erase everything, than I don't even need this heart

But if you want this inflamed flesh
Then I give it all to you
Just make sure to never forget this sadness
By tracing over the marks of those tears with a knife

The shimmering heat floating in the dawn sky
Smiling, you are there next to me

Live as if you were to die tomorrow
Feel as if you were to be reborn now
Face as if you were to live forever

Sumimasen!! I actually forgot to put credits on the sites on where I got my brushes.
If your brushes are used in this layout, please feel free to contact me so that I may credit
your site!! Again I am very sorry... Hountouni Gomenasai!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++What's up with meSaturday, April 28, 2007

>>Sometimes I can't help but be frustrated with the things going on around me. I don't know why but there are times that I'd just feel really pissed... But then again, there's always time to take a deep breath, relax and make a smile..

>>What's up with me these days? As usual.. I'm currently hooked up to japanese. I can't help the Jap Fever within me!! Ahahaha lols!! As you can see, my layout's containing the images of my beloved jrock star, Gackt. I was really fascinated by this guy.

>>I want to make another blog layout.^_^

>>Birthday's coming soon... I have no specific plans still... Waaaaaahhhh... I JUST WANNA HAVE FUN...

+Let me hold you once more...+Saturday, April 28, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++NEW LAYOUT!!Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Yay!! I just finished fixing blog! As you can see I made another new layout!! Again, I declare my love for my beloved Gackt-san!! Wahihihi!! Aaaahh.. Damare... Nyahehehe.. Anyways, some sections are are still not fixed and I'm currently working on it. I'll be posting more stuffs soon, I think. Ahehehe..

What about my body? Is my body really my body? For it to become mine there has to be intersubjectivity between me and my body, meaning, there is an intimate relationship between me and my body, which creates a link that now makes my body my body. It’s not really a kind of ownership thing, but something that links us makes the relationship more than just as an owner and possession. I have a body, meaning I possess a body. Saying that I “have” a body is like looking into this physical being, as an object. I don’t think it’s supposed to be like that. Yet sometimes we might also think that the body is an instrument, and as the owner I am able to control it. But once the body starts to decease, or starts to pass, the link then slowly dies because I’m starting to lose something that I once have. Meanwhile, to say that I am my body rejects the idea that the body is an object. There’s this certain union between me and my body that forms an intimate relationship and that through experience I am able to come up with an “I” that I can call me.

Does the gender really dictate the femininity or masculinity of a person? I don’t think so. We were born of a gender that we did not choose of course. Well, at the beginning I don’t think there was any choice at all. Now, like what I have said before, human beings- man- has both feminine and masculine side. The gender is just a factor that makes one feminine or masculine. But then, there are those who prefer to be of the opposite sex. That’s why we have lesbians and homosexuals in society. I don’t think it’s a kind of abnormality though. What is normal, anyway (I used to ask that question when I write a description about myself in blogs and profile: “I am just a normal kid living in this big world.. What’s normal anyway?”) If that makes them what they really are, then go ahead. I don’t look down on these people. They are human beings still. The physical body does not always dictate the real person that we are. I am a female, born with a female body. In my conscious mind it feeds me up the information that the female body makes me female. But then again there are times that I get into the masculine side. I do believe that human beings go into that kind of condition. Sometimes, we have to touch our feminine and masculine side to be able to understand better.

I am a human being. I believe I am what I am. How come I am what I am? It’s because I am created as what I am-a unique self, a distinct character which I know deep within, (-gumuho man ang mundo, balibaliktarin man ang mundo-) I know that it is me. I am composed of a body, mind and soul. I am not complete and cannot be considered as a human being without these three, as far as I believe. I don’t think that I can be called a human being with just a conscious mind, nor with just a body, and just as a soul. A body cannot move without the consciousness that helps move it, and the soul that forms the human nature.

Knowing that there is “I” that I consider me, I can say that I exist in this world. I just know that it is me that I exist. It’s really hard to express it in words because I don’t think words will be able to express my being well. And so, I exist. But I do not exist just for myself but for others as well. It’s what human beings are. Social… What’s the purpose of being in this world? I don’t really know. Maybe I was placed here to add to the problems of the world. (Haha. Just joking). Well, I AM a problem to my parents and my teachers, so I guess there’s a point to that. But it’s not really all that. So, being thrown out into this world, I seek meaning in life because I think it will be able to make me complete. Being born into this world without knowing the reason why and not knowing exactly where to go to, there’s just this urge, the feeling that I can’t help but to step my foot forward in order to find out. Well, maybe I was born for a certain greatness that I have to achieve, or maybe for a someone-that someone, like that of a soulmate, eh? I don’t know exactly for sure but it’s not bad to believe in something like that. If finding that someone will make my me whole, then why not live in this world and find that someone? If reincarnation is true, then maybe it’s worth living a thousand years just to find this person who can complete my very being.

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 7)

Despite of these, there’s no doubt that I myself have a lot of questions to ask about God about perfection. Can God really create a perfect world? With all the powers he have, I think yes. I just remembered, we were told that perfection is a state of being, and it can be achieved. I was just wondering if once man has achieved this perfection, does it makes man a God too? Will achieving the sate of perfection affect the idea of God being perfect? Or maybe it implies the belief that God is within each and every one of us? God is said to know everything, and He is an all-powerful God. In relation with the concept that Truth comes with power, does God dictates what the truth is? In the concept of thinking and knowing: What’s the difference between the two? For me, “thinking” is something with uncertainty (no assurance). It’s like the mind has to deliberate from the packets of information or data collected in the mind in order to accept a fact, in order to make a conclusion. “Knowing” on the other hand, has a kind of assurance in it. The mind has already accepted the fact, or has acknowledged the fact already, therefore, making an assurance of it. Now, my question is, does God think? Or he just knows? Or could it be both? For me, since He is perfect, there’s an assurance of what he does; He perfectly knows what He’s doing. But then, if He planned to create the world, isn’t thinking involved? Also, does God ever regretted once on the things He did? And if God thinks, does it imply that He has some uncertainty in Himself too? Oh brother… I don’t know if I’m still making any sense in here, but I still hope I do.

And now, here I go with the subject, “Man.” Oh great… I’m afraid I have nothing more to say in this one. (The mind is completely tortured already!! Damn!! It is but a shame not to be gifted with a philosophical mind…T-T)

The question, “Who am I” for me is one of the most thought-provoking questions being raised many times in a man’s entire life. Of course, at first, without the philosophical way of thinking, or at first when not everything seem to matter much, and that the mind still has a lot to eat, the question “who am I” is always answered by a name. Now, it seemed like it’s not really that way anymore. It would lead you to a conclusion that, “Am I just a name?” A name gives a certain identity to us. But it doesn’t speak to the actual wholeness of ourselves. When asked by people-strangers-it’s easy to make another identity by just changing the name. I remember once, two of my friends and I had a deal once. Before we graduated, we actually made this deal that we would use different names (or a new set of nicknames) once we start our college life. I actually ended up not doing what we have dealt with. Why? It gave me this uncomfortable feeling that using a different name, of which I am not really used to, makes me feel like I will not be able to figure out who I am, or I am putting a barrier to myself and to these new people that I will meet once I use another identity. So right now, they call me with my usual nickname, because it’s where I’m comfortable with. It’s like putting on a clothing that doesn’t fit on me; it’s either too loose, too tight, not match with my figure, not match with my skin tone, a bit long or a bit short, etc. Yet again, there are a lot of other people with the same name as mine. Once, in Sociology, we were asked also the same question, “Who am I?” It was hard to answer the question. If I say, I am Ms. Whoever, daughter of so-and-so, living in somewhere out there, studied in wherever, etc., it does not satisfy the question “Who am I.” If I say, I am kind, generous, lazy, stubborn, etc., still, it does not seem to fit as an answer to the question. There’s also this feeling of dissatisfaction once you say this things, because it really doesn’t complete the whole me, as a person.

What about my life? Well yeah, I believe it has something to do with who I am. After all, it’s my life. What is in the life that makes me myself, then? Maybe it is through experience that I am able to build myself as to who I am now. But then, how can I be sure that it was me all along? What about my mind? My mind is conscious of what I am doing now (Yeah, I hope it still is… I’m still making this darn term paper… I look like bullshit now.)Now, it is said that when there is consciousness, there is the “I” that exists. So here I am, so far I still have consciousness, still thinking (-and thinking still if my brain still has anything to say still… I say it’s ¾ empty already…). If we stop thinking, we don’t exist anymore. How do we know when we’re not thinking anymore? I don’t think we can ever know, because we’re probably gone by then. Where do we go once we stop thinking, once we stop being conscious? Again, is consciousness really mine? When I am thinking, am I the one controlling my mind? Is there something that goes beyond the consciousness of the mind? Connecting experience to consciousness, I think consciousness is awareness of something, and experience is something linked with the past, which we are now conscious of. If I am conscious right now, everything that I am doing is or will be registered in the mind. It becomes an experience afterwards (Crap! I don’t think I’m making any sense here…T-T). Is consciousness mine? I guess so. What made me the thinker? I possess a conscious mind. I am able to distinguish things… Is that it? Oh brother… This is driving me nuts! (Sorry but I can’t help it…). When I am conscious, I know that I am me, because the conscious mind knows the “I” that makes me.

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 6)

I am created by a perfect God, yet I am made imperfect by this perfect God, and made me dwell in His imperfect world. Does God see the imperfect? Does He not? If He is perfect, then I believe he can see me. He understands me. H knows who I am because He is my creator. He is an all-knowing God, therefore, He knows me. He knows you. Is God a male or a female? It seem like that society has implied the patriarchal concept of mostly a lot of everything in this world, because of the image of a man, a father, as holding a kind of power (or whatever it is related to power and governance). Maybe that’s why God has the image of the Father. But for me, I think it’s both. I think that God is androgynous. In order to understand all beings, He must have this female side and male side. I am not sure of this though (I haven’t seen God, anyway), but this is how I look onto it. Like us, created in the image and the likeness of God, as what many believe in so, we also have our female and male side, despite of the gender our physical body has.

(Commercial: A nice meal and a nice talk somehow took away some of the stress and headaches… A meal is soooo delicious when you get to eat and enjoy it with a loved one!^^, )

Like what I have said before, praying to God was like asking Santa before, only to realize sooner that everything I ask for is not always granted. Why can’t I? It’s because some things are not just meant to be given to you. I think that’s the way God does his business. It’s not that He doesn’t want you to give what you want, but because it’s not what you really needed. He provides us what we need, in order for us to live and understand more the life that we are facing.

I am created by a perfect God, yet made imperfect, and made me dwell in this imperfect world. Why did God create an imperfect world? In this imperfect world, how come there’s madness everywhere, and all those suffering? The firs time I came out of this world, there’s already suffering that exists. And being born in this imperfect world, I am now considered to be part of the suffering, part of the suffering world, of the society. How come he has allowed this kind of imperfection, this kind of pain and suffering? Considering the fact that there is existence before me, how he didn’t create me years earlier than the actual date I was born? What is the purpose of being sent into madness and being created as imperfect? Just like what Mr. Nid Anima said, God is supremely insane to create an imperfect world with all the suffering in it.

Well, I might as well agree. God is insane. But I also believe in what Pilosopo Tasyo said, “Ang pagitan ng kabaliwan at katinuan ay isang hibla lamang ng buhok...” Oh yesss… We all have the tendency to be insane. God is insane, alright. But I do believe insanity is also close to intelligence. An example of this is Pilosopo Tasyo, a character of Jose Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere. People call him crazy, but he’s wise enough, smart enough to understand what is going on. I think it goes the same with God. Maybe creating an imperfect, chaotic world is a crazy and insane idea, but I think it’s wise and intelligent enough for Him to do so. Why? What’s the use in creating a perfect world, with perfect beings on it? Heck! I say would be plain boring to live in this world anymore. Creating such madness in this world, I think He perfectly designed it to be imperfect for us to understand the meaning of perfection, the meaning of life. There could be perfect moments, but these moments do not last. No, not in this world. I don’t think so. Why create suffering and such chaos? With me, in this imperfect world, living for the past 17 years and more of this life, I have experienced a lot of suffering myself. And I know there’s a lot more of it as I continue to live on. But then again, these sufferings have taught me a lot in life. I believe God has his purposes why he created such. They might be crazy enough, but they’re effective enough to make us realize important things about living in this life. For me, suffering is more than the pain in the body, the burdens in the mind and in the heart. It is more of a teaching, which helps us understand what’s with, what’s in this life. For me, suffering contributes to the appreciation of having something than nothing. It should always come as a challenge, and not be feared. It is a test of strength of the heart and of the mind. Surpassing every challenge we tend to grow more mature, and understand more of the meaning of living in this imperfect world. It urges us to strive harder, for us to achieve what we want to achieve. No pain, no gain. I guess that explains it. Why do we still have to undergo suffering in order to gain something? That’s the way God designed it. We have to go under pain, so that in the end, once we have achieved what we want to achieve, we will give importance, or value to that achievement, and hold onto that achievement too. Yes, almost everyday, we face different kinds of battles in this disarrayed world. With this, we understand the meaning of peace. We have our own time when we experience tranquility, despite of what happens all around us. Being lonely at times, I understand the value of having friends and a family around me, and the value of love. When I see death (there’s been a lot of death around these days, don’t you think?), I understand the value of life. Again, like what I’ve said, it’s like it’s something that one cannot exist without the other. For example: darkness and light. This is what I have thought of: I recognized that there is darkness when I saw light. In the presence of light, I knew that the light is light because I was able to recognize it from the darkness. I hope I’m getting through here, or else I don’t know how to explain it anymore. Waaaaaaahhh!!!

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 5)

Speaking of being created, here we go again with the never-ending question of, “Who created me?” If I say, my parents created me, who created them, then? My parent’s parents.. How about them? My grandparents’ parents… The cycle goes back. Way, way, waaaaaaayyyy back to the very beginning. Born as a member of the Catholic Church, it is said that God created us. All in this world is created by God. I have lived all my life believing in a God, without bothering to ask, who is He? The bible says that the way he answers is, “I am who I am.” OH-kay…

To begin with, I don’t really know how I will discuss these things related to God. I am a believer of God. I believe in the idea of a God. It’s very hard to explain why I believe in such a thing. It would be hard for me to discuss it well, and again, my words might contradict to what a believer must contain at some point. But then again, for the sake of this project, may everything work out fine. (Commercial: It’s late in the evening, it’s already seven pages long yet the content is only 1/3 of the whole term paper. That just sucks, men. Meanwhile, sleepiness starts to devour me because of stress- AGAIN…)

Alright! First question: is there a God? Like what we have discussed, in order for something to prove that it really exists, it must be represented in two ways: an idea and the actual. I saw a pen on the desk. Does the pen exist? Yes. I am now thinking of the pen. Does it exist? Yes, in my mind. It can also be the opposite. Earlier in the morning, I was thinking of my cell phone. Does it exist? Yes, in my mind. Later, I saw my phone. Does it exist? Yes. In actuality, it exists. Applying this to the concept of God, it only exists as an idea. I gave an idea of a God. He exists on my mind. But have I seen God? Unfortunately, I haven’t. Now, is there a God? Yes. He’s in my mind. Like what St. Anselm said, the idea of God is the greatest of all possible ideas. I believe in that. I believe in God, who doesn’t seem to exist with a physical form, but I know that there IS a God. He is said to be the source of all being. He is the source of my being. He created me and brought me out into this world. Somehow, the concept of God as a child will always be like Santa. You pray and ask for him for something. All my life there’s always this teaching about God. Somehow, at first, I never really cared about it. I never seemed to be aware about it, that everything that I do, in the church, the prayers and everything are just performing rituals or just a part of a routine in my life. It was a blind understanding about God. Well at least, at this point I can say I was able to change that way of thinking in me. Well, you see, prayer is not about asking God what to do. I don’t think it works that way. For me, a prayer is a sign of humility to God, to show that we are His people, that He remains above all else. We don’t just ask in a prayer. When a Christian prays, he also gives thanks for what God has done for him, and praises His name.

What do I know about God? I can mention a few. God is perfect. God is a supreme being. God knows everything. He is above all else. He is our creator. God is powerful- powerful enough to create something out of nothing, and destroy something back to nothing. I know that He’s the father of Christ, the Messiah. He is a loving God, and a just God. Despite of all this knowledge about God, I still don’t understand a few things about Him. I am a believer, but I don’t know how to describe myself and to lay down my own point of understanding about God, although within me I know there’s something or some things (I hope) that I understand about God. (There’s some kind of irony here…)

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 4)

Going back to the imperfect world and the imperfect me, yes, I know that I am not perfect. I have my own flaws. But then again, despite of all these imperfections, there are also good things and good points in this world that makes life worth living. I appreciate what this world has offered me so far, in my 17 years of existence in this world. I appreciate the fact despite the flaws I have, I have friends who accept me as who I am. I am blessed to have caring and loving parents. I am provided with things that I need. I appreciate the fact that when I wake up each morning, despite of all the challenges and the chaos I have to face, I found peace in sleep. I appreciate the fact that I was able to go to school and meet these people: teachers and classmates. During my elementary and high school days, our batch was considered as one of those chaotic, naughty pupils. Oh yesss… We were the batch with many cases, with students always get logged in the Formation journals, which, the first quarter of the school year has not yet finished but the stumbling blocks pages are already full. We were the batch who has made our advisers and some of our teachers cry. We were the batch who is still hyperactive till the end of classes. We were the batch who has made a lot of destructions inside the classroom: we have destroyed blackboards, teacher’s tables, doors, windows, door frame, chairs, broke the fluorescent lights, the electric fans. We have disobeyed school rules, and have fought with other batches as well. Our batch never works until it’s already two days before the deadline. Ooooohhhhh, what a chaotic world!! But you know what? I did not regret that I was a member of this batch. Here, I found true friends. Here, I learned how it is to work together. Here, I appreciated the fact that despite of all the endless quarrels that we face, we are still intact. We remain close to each other. Despite of all those troubles we faced, we found smiles on our faces as we recall the incidents that have happened to us, and even laugh at them. Despite the somewhat “tagilid” or bad reputation that we had, we were able to overcome or somehow change that reputation because we were able to grow up somehow. We were able to learn from all those mistakes. I appreciate the fact that in this batch I learned that we can always have fun despite of everything that we face. When we cry as a whole, we cry by heart. When we promise, we tend to keep it. We have different peer groups, but there are no quarrels among peers. Quarrels are often taken id\individually, man-to-man. I appreciate the fact that sometimes when you can’t just take it anymore, you have friends you can lean on to. I appreciate the fact that the alarm wakes me up early in the morning and still I go to school late, even though the school’s just a two-three minute walk from home. I appreciate the fact that the teachers still scold us because it’s what we need, and that revealing our true nature with them, which is, being naughty and all those silly stuffs, made us close to them, and they are like friends to us outside school. I appreciate the late hours working on projects together, in a group mate’s house, learning how precious time is, and by working together, we were able to finish the stuffs. I appreciate the fact that even inside the group (my peers), we tend to quarrel, and in the end it only made our friendship stronger. I appreciate the fact that in the end of the day, we have to part, yet still we have tomorrow waiting for us. And now, I came to realize that I do love my batch, my classmates, whom I spent 10 years of my life with them, and that now, I miss them all along.

Once, I thought that I was unloved, only to realize that I was wrong. I wasn’t able to notice the simple things given to me, because all I thought of was misery. I appreciated the time I was in deep misery, on the verge of breaking and falling apart, because I found out that I have a family, and friends to help me out. I appreciate the fact that I have a dad and a mom, and two annoying brothers, who keeps me company at home. Life is worth living with all those simple yet precious moments that I have experienced, and the future didn’t matter at all. Sometimes reality or the whole truth didn’t matter at all. What I care the most is the entire moment, which contributes to the feeling of wanting to exist still. I appreciate all the pains that have been inflicted on me, for I would not have been a better person, and remain the same old me, looking at life with complete misery. Sometimes I thought that misery can also be beautiful. Like listening to a sad music: it sets me into a dramatic mood that contributes to creating certain ideas in the mind. It is a melancholic beauty of some sort, that’s why I like sad or dramatic music. I appreciate the fact that I’m burdened with school works. It means that I am studying, and these works are ways of enhancing my skills and way of thinking. (Oh, shut me up! You know I’m lying, don’t you? Hahaha! Who likes school stuff? Wahehehe! Haha. Just joking. I’m speaking of it for real). I appreciate the fact that I have certain obligations, meaning that I am entrusted to do a task; that they believe in my capability to work. I appreciate the drama episodes of my life. It brings color to my life, to my existence. I appreciate the litter after a gathering, knowing that I have friends to clean up the mess with me, and they are here with me. I appreciate a single text from a friend, telling me that I can do it, because that person believes on what I can do. I appreciate that once I lost my voice, knowing that I had a good time singing and enjoying the time with my friends all day yesterday. I appreciate that I can still see, that I can still hear, taste, smell and feel. I may not have all the money in the world, but I have a family and people whom I can call true friends. I appreciate the times when we haven’t talk to each other for a long while, knowing that we already miss each other. I appreciate school days because I have my allowance.

There are a lot of things I’m thankful for, and I can’t help but mention those in order to satisfy the question, “Is life worth living.” I am thankful that I still have something to eat when I get home. I appreciate the fact that I have a mother who takes care of me all the time, without asking for anything in repay. I am thankful for having a father, who, although very far away most of the time because of work, is happy to see us all, and believes in my capability and my talent. I am thankful for having an older brother to show me an example of discipline. I am thankful for having a younger brother, who helps me develop myself with all his criticisms, and for sharing with me the same passion for movies and anime. I appreciate the fact that I still have home to go to in the end of the day, and a home to give me comfort when the day stresses me out. I’m thankful that there’s a mother waiting for me when I get home late and tired, knowing that there’s someone who is concerned about me, and knowing that I am loved. I appreciate the fact that my mom holds my hand still at this age of mine when crossing the street, or walking along the street, knowing that there’s someone who’s protecting me. I appreciate a pat on the shoulder by someone, encouraging me. I am thankful for all the losses that happened, knowing that there are things to improve. I appreciate the pouring rain, the warmth of the sun, and the wind brushing through my face, the trees giving me shade. I appreciate the noise in the city, knowing that we are civilized. I appreciate the morning sun, knowing that I woke up and was able to see the beauty of the rising sun once again. I appreciate that I am able to feel pain, because I realized the importance of love and comfort. I appreciate that I love, and am being loved back. I appreciate that I am created, born in this world full of turmoil, yet still was able to find moments of peace despite of all the madness and disorder of this life. In the end, it’s the matter of how you perceive the beauty of the world. There’s beauty in madness after all. It is better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all. To feel pain, is to feel and realize that you’re still alive. It’s good to still be alive, and continue to live on.

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 3)

Sometimes, when you speak of the truth, no one would believe. Like, the whole society believed once that the world is flat. Then, someone opposed the idea. What happened to that person who opposed to the idea? He was persecuted. Later on, as more finally conducted more studies and found out that the world wasn’t flat; the society was able to believe after quite some time. The Church said this and that and all the people followed and believed. When one opposes to a belief, he shall be put to exile, or to death. When the emperor said he’s wearing an invisible cloth, the people tried to believe. Sometimes, there are facts that a lot don’t consider them to be true enough. Therefore, there is a point where truth comes with power. It’s like, if I have power, I have the power to dictate which things are to be considered true or not. Somehow it rings to a certain reality, which the world portrays today. Then, I guess the truth comes with reputation. But then again, we don’t know if the mind speaks for reality itself, or just something we want to believe, and what we want others to believe. Is what we see today reality itself? In order for us to see the truth itself, we must set ourselves free from this world then, if this is not the actual reality. But then, how do we detach ourselves from this world that we are now living? In the end, I thought that, even if the truth is revealed, it’s still a matter of choice whether you want to indulge it or not.

At this point, I still haven’t answered the point of my existence, why am I here. Like what I have said, I don’t know why. But I chose to exist and live in this world in order for me to find out. Once, I tried to destroy the life that was granted to me due to the feeling that there’s nothing worth living for. I guess I was wrong. During that time, I came to a point that I thought I was going to be crazy. I saw nothing but misery, the chaos I made, the chaos made by the rest of the people that have inflicted me and some other people. There is evil in this world that lurks around every corner of everything. I felt as if I was inflicted with so much pain and suffering that I don’t want to consider living in this world anymore. The world was not made perfect. Sometimes, or most of the times (maybe), man has brought the whole human race to its own demise. The whole world is in chaos indeed. Thinking of all these problems and chaos, the world seems to be a big trash. Yet, here we are, still alive, still standing. Despite of all the chaos that have surpassed, men chose to exist and live. There’s a point in my life where my existence is nothing but a robotic routine. Waking up, taking a bath, go to school, study, and by afternoon, go home, watch TV, eat dinner, do home works, projects and stuff, study, brush teeth, sleep. The next day’s still the same. In the end you get tired of everything. Everything seems to be so dull. So what is the point?

In this world, a lot of people-all people face different kinds of pain and suffering, because of the problems of this world, because of the imperfect world in which we were set upon to dwell. Why does suffering exist in this world? Yes, it has its own purpose of why it has to exist in this world and touch the lives of everything and everyone, so many times a day. We too are not perfect. But imperfection is not a hindrance of living in this world, and that making our lives worth living. I am imperfect, I know that. Oh, by the way, how do I know that I know what I know? Is it because I can feel that I know it? The senses can sometimes deceive you. Is it because of the idea that I have formed in the past, which now serves as some kind of information? Damn… I know what I know because I know that I know what I know! Period!!! There is good and evil in this world. One cannot exist without the other. It creates balance in the entire world that we now live in. With every action there lie different kinds of consequences, depending on the action that one has done. The consequences can either be light or grave, good or bad.

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 2)

I saw the world falling apart… I saw MY world falling apart, or the mind has fed me up of the things that cause my brokenness, that I felt that I no longer fit to live in this world, that my existence has nothing to do with anything else. Death… They say death is the end of everything. Death could mean going back to the nothingness of which, everyone came. The feeling of inexistence can be death in some aspect. It’s something like, I know I exist in this world, but no one seem to notice my existence, nor care for it, therefore, it’s the same as being dead. But then the conscious mind is still working, so it’s not really the real death itself. No one literally died and came back to life. Yes, there were people who claimed that they died, and then they said they were passing through this tunnel and there’s the light in the end, but they went back to there body, blah, blah, blah. I don’t know whether to believe or not. What goes beyond the tunnel, beyond the light? If death means nothingness, then they have not yet surpassed death when they said they died because they still see something that exists in this world, and that the conscious mind was able to see what they saw. But whatever it is beyond that light, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to experience death now, as what I have imagined myself thinking of death before. Oh yesss… I tried to kill myself before. It’s because I felt my existence is nothing, when existence really means something. Thinking of death, thinking of how to kill myself, or wishing that a disease would kill me right now was how I was before. Talk about depression eh? What lead me into this kind of state? Is it my friends, my family, the people around me, or is it the mind itself? Who cares if I live? What’s the difference between existing and living? Is it something like this: Saying, I “live,” but it doesn’t mean that “I exist?” Or is it the other way around? I exist but I do not live. There is a “me” in this world, but how do we define the world “live?” Can we live without existence? To say that “I exist” would simply mean, here I am. I am here in this world. It is being aware of one’s self. But what then is “I live?” I exist, but living isn’t attached to it. Is it a choice to continue on living? What if you cease to live? You remain existing, yet non-existing as well… As if there’s no worth with your existence if you do not live… (Uh-oh! Confusion!! @_@ The mind whirls around and wishes for a break!) Oh, what a crap! Stop! That’s it! I don’t want to think more about it, because I’m trying to value this life that I am holding onto right now. Again, what drives me to exist? Hell, I was born in this born without knowing why. No one told me why, nor do they or anyone even know theirs. Why am I being asked with these questions, which I know for myself I can’t the absolute answer to it? If I was able to answer it, and another one was able to answer it too, and we have different answers, which one is true then? How the hell should I know?

(Driven by headache and days without proper sleep, it can’t be helped that the mind is feeding information throughout the body with the “irritated” or “annoyed” feeling.)

What are these problems for? Why do problems exist? Don’t they contribute to the disarrayed state of this world? Are they also results of what we have done in the past? If that is so, am I a result-a problem-caused by those people in the past? Am I just another added problem when I was brought into this world? How can I answer such questions, when the answers to them are not in my hands? The world is full of problems, full of chaos that leads everyone into confusion and doubt, until we found ourselves lost. We think of everything too much that sitting back and thinking for a few minutes felt like an hour or so. Sometimes, we do think too much of so many problems, we end up staring at a blank space which felt like time has slowed down or stopped, and when we realized that we were “hanging” (it’s a term we use when computers run too many programs and because of that the system overloads, and the programs start to not function for a while), we suddenly go back into what we believe is the reality and then think of everything again. Well anyway, can’t these questions be enough reasons to continue this existence, to find answers to these restless questions in this life? If there is nothingness in death, how will you then fill up these questions with answers if you are in the “nothing” (-when you’re already dead)? Will it satisfy you if you then, if you weren’t able to answer such questions raised?

Giving the mind and the body rest, we take a nap or sleep. Here, the mind and the body is still functioning, but is somewhat in a passive state. As we go to sleep, we sometimes dream of things. These things we dream are ideas we got from reality. And so we are asked: How can we distinguish between reality and dream? It’s confusing, isn’t it? If we simply say that reality is based on the senses, how come we can also feel and see in our dreams? Then Here I am, sitting in front of the computer, sweating because of the summer heat despite of the time (night time already), and a bit sleepy and tired because of the stress that has been laid upon me for the past days. Could it be possible that none of this is true? What if this air I breathe is not really air? If I look at my hands, are these really the hands? Does what I smell exist? How come I can also sense what I sense in what I believe reality is, to a dream, which is the product of the mind? So I guess it is not the senses that dictate what reality is. It could be that dreams are part of what we call reality. What the mind has created can contain some truth in it. Still, that creation’s basis is reality, right? All throughout the lives of men we are fed up by different information about our existence and the world’s existence. Hell, there’s so many of them you don’t know which one will you believe into. Isn’t the world so confusing and chaotic? What is the truth? Has anyone found out the absolute truth? Who knows? Do you know? Is what we call the happy moments of our lives just a creative idea of the mind, and in truth, reality is nothing but chaos? What does the real world look like, once waking up and finding out the truth is achieved? (Commercial: I just took a break and by chance, saw The Matrix on TV and watched it for the nth time. I recalled what some of the characters said…). Whatever the truth is, I think one cannot simply bear the weight of it. It can also be a crazy idea of some sort, yet is possible to exist too. Recalling what I have watched, they said, “There’s Truth in Fiction. There’s fiction in Truth.” Isn’t it ironic? Somehow they have a point on that statement. Fiction is something created by the mind. A lot of great authors have made fiction novels. Reading them, I know that the happenings in this book aren’t true. But looking back again, they somehow reflect of what is on reality that makes it look or seem real enough. They represent some ideas of reality, literally and figuratively. Yet again, being created by the mind, the basis of fiction is reality itself. So there’s some kind of an idealistic truth in it. They’re not true, but have the possibility to be true. I myself am fond of reading fictional books: Michael Crichton, Sidney Sheldon, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, etc. While reading, I am divulged into a world created by the mind. For example, I am reading Stephen King’s CELL, where an outbreak happened: A Pulse, transmitted through the cell phones. Anyone who has been using their phones when the Pulse has been released became crazy; they ran all around, screaming and babbling different words, and have this rage within them that they just want to kill anybody they see. There were a few survivors, which are those who have not used their cell phones, and now struggle to survive, not knowing that these people-turned-crazies don’t remain crazy as the days past. It’s a fight for survival. The truth is yet veiled (I haven’t finished the book yet because of school work!). While reading the book, I found myself intrigued of everything that is happening. It is of course, not true. Yet somehow it reveals some truth in it, like, in an outbreak like that, and with everyone crazy, it’s hard to trust anyone else, and a lot more points. There also comes the question, “What if,” which now assumes that there is a possibility of something like that in the story to come true. They’re based from reality, after all. There’s fiction in truth. Somehow the truth can be overwhelming, that you can’t seem to believe everything about it. I guess it’s where the dialogue “I can’t believe this is happening!?! This is Madness!?!?!!” was born. It’s the incapability to indulge the truth. Now, does knowing the absolute truth mean setting yourself out of the world that you once knew to something new? If that’s the case, will you be able to handle the change? Will I be able to?

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++GOD, WORLD, MAN (part 1)

Where am I? A lot of people ask that certain question. I am here, in my house, in the study room, sitting in front of a certain technological device called the computer, facing the screen, and typing what comes into my mind, my fingers continuously banging on the keys of the keyboard as I type in the letters which form into words, to phrases, to sentences, to certain thoughts and some ideas. I hear the sounds from the television, and the other noises made by the rest of the people inside the house. Where am I? Here I am, living in this world, which we call earth. Here I am, breathing oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. Here I am, trying to face all the problems imposed to me, including the fact that I have to finish a ten-page term paper, the final plate for a major subject, and wondering why I still have to go to school when all lessons are finished. Where am I? I’m living in a world where there are a lot of things, when at first when I was not yet born there was none. I wasn’t longing for existence, and wasn’t wishing for it at the beginning. It was like, just a snap of a finger and there I was, born out of my mother’s womb. Seeing the first light must have been wonderful. It is the light, meaning that once it was dark, that there was nothing. Realizing that there was darkness is when you realized that there was such a thing as light. So, here I am. What’s next? Ah, the light. The freaking light... The first realization of the existence of light must mean that there is life, that there is this world. Oh yes. It must have been a delightful thing. But I was innocent then. I have nothing in mind. I do not have the entire knowledge of what the world has. I don’t know that there are other things existing in this world. At first there is only me. And then maybe the very first time I heard a voice, maybe my mother’s, I might have thought there’s someone else existing other than me. And the very first touch that I have felt means there are other things existing around me. The first time I began to see, I recognized the existence of light, and seeing the face of my parents, I knew. How come there is already existence of something else before me? What is the reason of me being here, being born in this world? First of all, I do not know the reason why I am thrown out in this world, and now, still continuing to exist at the present time. I have lived for the past 17 years or so, yet still, I do not know the exact reason why I am here. It wasn’t my choice to be here. It was nobody’s choice in the beginning if he or she wants to exist. There was no me before but here I am. Why am I here? I was born from the love of my parents, therefore I exist. Haha. Oh yessss… The sense of biological thinking is that the egg cell unites with the sperm cell and then there is the cell growing into an embryo, and after some time, growing into a fetus, and then into a baby. But really, why am I here?

Well, at first, I believe everyone was like this too. You get what you want when you cry. Of course, I haven’t developed the sense of speech yet as a baby, so in order for me to get notice is to cry, to make those babbling and/or squealing noises. You get the attention fast when you do those things. When I’m hungry, it’ll be like crying so they can feed you. They will play with you and try to make you laugh. When you cry, they’ll know that you pee or check if there’s something wrong with you. It’s some kind of a delightful thing you know? But then, as you grow up, there’s this realization that you need others in order for you to live. It is still like that up until now. At first, when there was nothing, nothing else matters, not even me. How do I know then that I really exist? Could it be through others and their existence too, that the feeling of existence draws into me? Oh well… (Commercial: I just received a text from one of my buds telling me, “Aja aja buddy! Kaya mo yan!” Oh yesss… The feeling of headache draws upon me, but nothing must stop me from continuing this freaking term paper. Ganbatte ganbatte ne!! The price of finishing this is priceless: A toast for the damn Holy Week vacation! Yay! Tagay na!!)

At first, there was nothing. Nothing mattered. But as I came into existence, as I continue to live up until now, I value the things that I have encountered, the things that I have with me. At first, life was as simple as waking up, taking a bath, eat, go out and play on the streets with other kids, go home, take another bath, eat and sleep. Before, as a child, all that matters was play. It’s a part of life I guess. Letting children play is putting into their minds that life is something to be enjoyed. I don’t merely care about time, what the hell I was doing, as long as I was having fun. But as the existence of “me” continues, I continue to grow up, and begin to realize more of what this world has. And, without recognizing for quite sometime, more and more responsibilities are bestowed upon me. I guess it’s the price of knowing more of a lot of things. While in the past, nothing matters, now, every inch of thing seems to matter. That just sucks most of the time. Like right now, finishing this damn term paper is what matters at this point of time. I only have days left and I have my quota to reach for the day. It sucks that all the while you have to think of a lot of things. (The sense of headache grows intense, as I continue typing. Take note: This is just the second page of the entire project!) In the end I begin to realize that life is not just fun as to what the kids usually have in mind. Life is not just full of problems. Life is a responsibility. Continuing this life would mean a lot of responsibility, not just for the self but for others as well. Nothing mattered at first. In the past I was nothing. But here I am. I am no longer nothing, but something that exists. How do we exist? What things contribute to our/my existence? Again, why am I here? Why continue to exist? I don’t know why, but the drive of continuing to exist is in me.

+Let me hold you once more...+Sunday, April 22, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Pathetic..Friday, March 02, 2007

Yosh.. Finally.. It has been months already!! Damn!! Well anyway, at last I've updated and made another post. Sheeeeesshh...

What the hell.. Right now I'm angry at myself. I didn't like the way I was since the start of the term. Everything was like out of my hands. I can't believe I'm turning myself down because of what I was doing. I sucked. I definitely sucked. And I feel really mad at myself. I wsn't able to put my best foot forward this time. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Damn it! Right now I'm trying to be active, and I'm trying hard to reach the grades I want. Grrrrr... I have to defeat my old self in order to do that.

Anyways, lately I tried to act on my own, decide on what I want to do. I can't just cling onto my friends forever. I have to work my own way sometimes, ne? Dakara, I tried to go on a different way from theirs. Actually I've been doing that ever since I entered college. But it's different this time. And I hope the path that I've taken will be a nice, and wonderful road that will lead me into something great.

February's the month of Hearts as we all know. On Valentines Day, I don't have a boyfriend to ive me an expensive boquet of roses or a box of expensive chocolates, take me to dinner or something, but I have friends whom I hanged out with. I even received chocolates from them. So Valentines is not just for those who are in a relationship. Hey, I've got a bunch of friends who make all of my days worth living and I've ot people around me who are loving. Heehee... So Valentines not a sad day after all.^_^

+Let me hold you once more...+Friday, March 02, 2007

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++INSANITY...Thursday, December 21, 2006

SCHOOLThe 2nd semester's over. I just have to get my course cards. Hope I can still make it to the Dean's List. Haaaiiiizzz... There's nothing much to talk about school. Still the same rush hours, cramming of projects and paperworks. Good thing it's over now.

OBLIGATIONSI know I have my obligations. But there are times (like right now) I really feel pissed about this "obligation" thingy. It's getting into my nerves actually. Or maybe I was the only one thinking it was some kind of obligation? Yeah, maybe. But can't I make a choice of what to do in this life? Why can't I just forget about it a few times in my life? Why do I always have to be there? Can't they make it themselves? Of course they can! I can quit anytime. But something's holding me back. But it pisses me off to be there just the same. And what I hate the most is not being able to do what the hell is right. Welcome to the Perfctionist ME. Damn. Why can't I do something else besides that for a while??? Is it a crime if I didn't make it there? I've been in the service for almost eight years. I've never felt this kind of freaking shit before. I've never been pissed off like this about this.. this obligation in my whole life.

FREEDOMYeah... Having an issue about Freedom. Something personal. Well, for the past days I've been a prisoner of my own house. I can't even go out and hang out with my college friends. How will I enjoy college then???!?!?! Man.. This sucks.

FAITHYeah... Right now I'm starting to question my faith. I feel like bullshit right now. And I can't believe I'm typing all this up. Maybe I'm just geting emotional or something. Why am I saying this? What the hell is wrong with me??!? Let lightning strike me to get this freaking shit out of me.

CHRISTMASI can't feel it yet.. I wonder why? Fuck.

Make me stop. Make me reret what I said. Make it stop...

>>Hours past midnight. I don't expect me to be writing rationally anymore. What my mind says, I type it down. I'm trying to remain sane in here. Get a grip of my hand... Don't let me slip away.. way, way down below...

+Let me hold you once more...+Thursday, December 21, 2006

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++In my headSunday, November 19, 2006

>>>Death.. something that is common to us all.. something that we cannot escape. No one knows when one will die. But it is not necessarily the end. Death is just the beginning of another journey that the living can't figure out, can't understand.. Who knows the truth behind death? Only God knows... He has his reasons why, and it takes a lot of time for one to understand..

>>>Life.. When people see death right before their eyes, they should have realized how important life is. No one knows how long we're going to live. No one knows what lies ahead of us. We have to take steps in order to see... Life's too precious to be wasted on grieving, on nursing the anger and pain within... It will only make us bitter, make us stagnant... Taking one step forward can change a lot of things... Looking at things the other way around will help us understand better why such things happen to us and help us grow more mature... Live life to the fullest... Every second matters and every moment is a treasure...

>>>Love... Asking yourself, "why does it has to be someone very close to me..??" It tears you apart, I know... And you don't know whether you'll be happy for them, or should you feel jealous? "I don't have the right to get jealous, he's not mine in the first place..." Funny... I've used that line before. And I'm hearing it from another person's lips. And every moment you see them, it hurts you a lot that you just want to disappear... I understand that kind of feeling.. Hahaha...

>>>Friendship... I don't know exactly what to say in order to give comfort.. I can only give you my shoulder for you to cry on... I can only lend you an ear and listen until no more words come out... I can only give you a nice pat at the back, or a big, nice, warm hug... and be a wall to protect you... They're the least I can do... for I am a friend... YOUR friend...

>>>Imagination... Maybe it was just my imagination...-a dream to be exact... But it happened... And you'll just realized you've seen it before when you have felt the chill running down your spine, or a sudden nausea/headache... It has happened before-few times before... It's freaky...

>>>Patience... is a virtue... "I'm sick and tired of waiting..." Haha... Time passes by so slow for those who wait... I cannot simply judge, or I am not in the position to say anything at all... Haha... I too, am waiting. But while waiting, I enjoy myself with a lot of stuffs...

I've been sad this whole week because my bestfriend just left... The morning I woke up I knew she was gone.. I just said, "Wala na siya umalis na siya..." I felt really sad...T-T

No more morning greetings, saying "God bless and take care," and "I love you..." No more Good night greetings.. No one to remind me to pray... There's none that I can text with during my lunchbreak when everyone else plays counterstrike...T-T

I felt depressed I bought a cake- Chocolate Marjolaine for my mom and for me to eat.. Suddenly I craved on spending my money on anything. Sigh... I just wanted to buy anything and EAT whatever I want... Waaaaaaaaah!!! My savings are suffering because of this.. I need to change...

There's nothing else to do but to move on. Time never stops for you, unless you're dead, I guess. I have to hang on for everything else that's left with me. I'll get used to it after sometime.

Right now I want to be busy and work, work work!!! I've been liking Algebra these days.. Haha!! Miracle indeed.^^, I have my hands on working with our MTV, designing the choir logo, and working on our Barkada Magazine, which is to be published on summer next year. I'm very excited actually. After all I'll be doing these stuffs. I better train myself earlier in order to be prepared for my next years in College.

My mind is running, time is running.. There still are school stuffs I need to finish... I have to balance my time in order to finish everything. May God help me in everything that I do..

Sigh... I'm so sad I want to WORK, WORK, WORK!! Time to work!! Hahaha!!^-^ More stuffs to do, more things to think of, more days and nights in front of the PC, more on staying up late.. Well then.. LET THE FUN BEGIN!! Lol!!^^,

I'm an absolute Japanese Lover: the culture, the music, the place, the people.. Man, I love Japan!!
I'm an introvert and an observer
I don't like people who keeps on bothering me all the time
I love GACKT!! Check out my stuff about Gackt on T-icon!^_^