+I’m so happy Sway is still hosting the red carpet, because I know who he is. I feel so calm and comforted that he’s here for me.
+Lady Gaga is dresses suspiciously normal

Who is this?

+How old is Ariana Grande? She can really sing. I feel threatened and like I haven’t done anything with my life.
+Who is the little girl wearing the “Ain’t No Wifey” hat. Because I find that she might be changing her tune by the time she’s 25. Just a thought.
+I used to wear my hair just like Miley Cyrus in middle school.

+Naya Rivera looks so hot. Then again Naya Rivera would always look hot.
+Austin Mahone doesn’t do anything for me. I feel like he’s the poor man’s Justin Bieber.
+I was just informed that apparently One Direction was formed because the guys weren’t good enough individually so they made them a group. Harsh.
+Taylor Swift isn’t wearing a white dress and a pony tail! This is revolutionary.

IDK how I feel about Lady Gaga or her new song Applause yet. We’ll see.

9:05pm EST: I feel like I should be upfront with you guys about the fact that I’ve already consumed some red wine. There’s a box of it. More is coming. And Chinese food. I’m eating some lo mein right now. As of right now it’ll be the best part of the night.

9:07pm EST: Look! First award is being given out by One Direction! SO many lesbian hair cuts. Also every time the screen pans to Selena Gomez my chick on the side says “Aria?”

Best Pop Video goes to Selena Gomez for Come & Get It

Chick on the side: Wait. So that one is Aria right? Aria?

Yay for Selena Gomez! I like her dress, but I feel like it makes her look older than she really is. Also, for the purpose of the VMAs I won’t be speculating on whether or not people “deserve” awards or not because we all know this shit is totally random.

9:10pm EST: I forgot the VMAs have sooo many commercials.

9:16pm EST: So they just announced all the “professional awards” aka the awards for direction, cinematography and other such things that actually make video good. I wont’ repeat them because they didn’t even announce the names of the people who won them. Just the videos that won.

9:35pm EST: I’d like to comment on Kevin Hart’s stand-up moment, but my friends and I are too immersed in a conversation about whether or not Hart is actually only like 5’2″.

9:38pm EST: It’s time for Kanye! None of us have heard his new album because: Med school. That’s right. Cat is out of the bag, this liveblog is being brought to you by three med student and one very cute chick on the side.

Friend: I don’t want to make a preemptive judgement call, but I hate this.

Chick on the side: Maybe he’s just super hungover. Like he’s just like “Guys, I can’t.”

9:43pm EST: Shout out to Wasteunit for this comment:9:46pm EST: Is Pharrell happening live on my TV or is this prerecorded?

9:47pm EST: Nope, it was prerecorded. But now we get to see a bunch of Rick James impersonators. Even though I said I wouldn’t say who “should” win best female video, I sort of wish Miley Cyrus would win.

In case you missed it, Taylor just thanked the dick who inspired the song. Nice work Taylor.

9:52pm EST: It’s time for the Best Song With a Social Message. Hmm wonder who could possible be winning this one? I think we know….

Macklemore and Mary Lambert win for Same Love

Shocker.

Me: I think my ex has that haircut.
Chick on the side: Which one?
Me: All of them.

I have mixed feelings because we should be letting queers tell their own stories. Are you gonna let the lesbian speak? Nope. Don’t let the queer speak about her experiences or give her thanks on the goddamn fucking gay song. Only straight cis men get to sing on this one.

Me: Ugh it’s time for Suit and Tie. I hate this song.
Everyone else in the room: Shut up and sing along

10:15pm EST: This is the longest moment of continuous music ever to air on MTV. Also is Taylor Swift the only celebrity who bothered to show up? Because the camera hasn’t panned to anyone else yet this show.

Justin Timberlake Accepts the Michael Jackson Vanguard Award for Dick in a Box

10:20pm EST: So sweet that JT dedicated his award to ‘NSYNC! What a mensch!10:24pm EST: Still recovering. If only Britney had joined JT on the stage. 10:27pm EST: Um. Kevin Hart you are not funny. What did you drink before this started? Your comments about ‘NSYNC’s weight and Lady Gaga’s butt are unwelcome. Please see yourself out.10:30pm EST: I’ve now had enough wine to have strong opinions about who should win awards. Best Song of the Summer should sooo go to Selena Gomez. Blurred Lines is a fucked up song.

One Direction wins Best Song of the Summer for Best Song Ever

Ew. You can’t just name a song best Song Ever. Tenacious D basically already did that and it was so much better. Also I think there are people booing in the crowd.

10:30pm EST: What up Jason Collins! I don’t know who your small friend is, but his emphasis on “homosexuality” was hilarious.

10:34pm EST: All of the previous statements about queer people making their own music. All of them. Also I had no idea you can say “faggot” on TV.

10:36pm EST: Please someone put the fucking spotlight on fucking Mary Lambert. She’s the goddamn queer person in the song. Come on MTV, this doesn’t need to be the Macklemore song.

10:37pm EST: Holy shit. Is Jennifer Hudson, the straight chick, singing over the queer woman’s contribution to the song? Is that really going on? Also once they start singing together they have the weirdest mugs on looking at each other.

10:40pm EST: What’s up with these hamster commercials? Are hamsters in style now that Miley came out as a furry earlier tonight?

10:50pm EST: I’m so confused about Jaden Smith. Why does he always look so pensive? He’s the least excited kid under 30 to be attending the VMAs. I’m just waiting for his thoughtful tweet about how we’re all just humans trying to live in this world and make beautiful music to connect people.

10:50pm EST: What is going on with Taylor Swifts walk? I have watched too many seasons of America’s Next Top Model to be forced to witness that poor of a cat walk.

Bruno Mars wins Male Video of the Year

10:55pm EST: I like this song but everyone else in the room disagrees. The general consensus in the room is that any other song ever should have won, including any other song by Bruno Mars. I’m just glad Blurred Lines didn’t win because it’s so problematic.

11:00pm EST: How are we still on commercials? When does this go until? If I’m going to watch this until midnight someone better come out as a homosexual.

11:05pm EST: Why is Selena Gomez on my TV announcing more Bruno Mars instead of singing herself. I just want to see her sing! Instead I’m being subjected to Bruno Mars dressed in a bad Halloween costume rendition of the Crocodile Dundee. I love my mother, but I think she has that blouse.

11:06pm EST: No one in the audience is enjoying Bruno Mars as much as Will Smith. No one

11:14pm EST:The best part of the last 15 min has been the Pepsi Beyonce commercial. You know you feel the same way.

11:16pm EST: So it’s time for Video of the Year as given by Joseph Gordon Levitt. I don’t much care about Joseph Gordon Levitt and I don’t know why he’s doing this weird voice. But The man can sure dress.

Video of the Year goes to JT for Mirror

I think Mirror is kind of not an awesome song. And also I don’t know anything about the video. Because music videos are over. But I appreciate that he dedicated it to his grandma. Unfortunately someone should tell him that it’s almost 11:30pm in Florida and his granny is definitely asleep.

11:20pm EST: I need everyone to stop telling me that Katy Perry’s biggest hit yet is Roar. We all know her biggest hit was I Kissed A Girl, if only because of how many girls it got me. Yup, I’m coming out to you as someone who like I Kissed A Girl.

What I’m saying is that this song sucks, and not just because of this weird boxing stage performance.

11:22pm EST: Girl just roar already. If you’re gonna talk about roaring so much you really need to do it. Shit, this really is just like I Kissed A Girl. Like, do it or it doesn’t count.

11:23pm EST: Wait. I’m confused. The VMAs just cycled back to the beginning. Does that mean it’s over? Is this the west coast feed now? Am I done? Did this shit seriously just end with Katy Perry singing some shitty song?

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

I’m just so…EMBARRASSED. I made myself look silly being team Miley and seeing her perform just ruined my life. Well, I’m being dramatic but her performance was very awkward and tense like watching a preteen try to be sexy.

If anybody is gonna kiss. I would rather it be Katy and Rihanna. I feel like I was denied that the previous year they were all in each other laps. Remember that? The camera crew was loving them that year. They were looking like they went to the hotel and fucked each other afterwards. Come on MTV. Make me happy for once.

Taylor Swift always takes one step forward and two steps back with me. I continue to wait for her to act like the adult I know she is and not the 14 year old girls who listen to her music. I just watched her throw shade at one of her MANY famous ex-boyfriends that she’s gotten rich off of writing songs about and then the camera crew immediately panned to One Direction.

I would love for each of those men by the way to start writing songs about her. Jon Mayer seems to be the first. It seems appropriate since we only ever hear TayTay’s side of things. They can’t ALL be assholes, right? Some of these failed relationships have to be her fault as well. Mainly I’m just over this shit altogether.

A good number of her songs are about her famous ex-boyfriends. She has talked about this alot in interviews and even named them but I don’t remember which song correlates with which ex-boyfriend anymore. I do remember a magazine article breaking it down for me one time.

Because the awards are voted on by fans. Which basically just means a bunch of pre-teen and teen girls voted for days at a time so their favorite boy band would win an award. That’s about it. Artistic merit has nothing to do with things anymore.

I never heard the song either until the local radio station I listen to out here in L.A. played the beginning when they were talking about how The Who are like suing them for having a similar sounding opening to their classic song Baba O’Riley(Teenage Wasteland), which after hearing the beginning it does sound similar.

And the only reason I know about One Direction is at work all these teen girls keep coming in asking for their perfume(and most don’t even know how it smells, the just like it because it has their name on it).

I’m watching live from mtv.com, and one of the audience cameras is right where Lady Gaga is sitting. I swear, every time she stands up, I just can’t stop laughing because her ass is just smackdab right up in the camera.

I love how utterly bored Will Smith’s look throughout the night. You would think they would be grateful to even be there. Do you know how many people would kill for those seats? Bitch, let me have your spot next year! Will Smith, however, seems to be having a blast. I am loving whatever weird friendship he seems to be cultivating with Lady Gaga. Their reactions shots to each other are the best of the night.

I think this analysis of the lyrics sums it up pretty well -http://oi44.tinypic.com/nmdc80.jpg. That in conjunction with the music video being super creepy (fully dressed men with naked women prancing around them).

I’m pretty shameless when it comes to my love of Miley…but I could not handle that performance. I just don’t think I got it. I felt like she was trying too damn hard. Just sing girl!
Have you all looked at the reaction photos. Will Smith’s family is the best one.

ALSO one of the 1D boys was wearing a Joy Division shirt! I can dig that.

I’m not a fan of Gaga but that ass did impress me.

I though Selena seemed very uncomfortable with the exposed-ish boob…like she kept trying to hide it. Maybe she should have picked a different outfit?

Mack and Ryan Lewis were the only ones who spoke both times they got on stage…they did not share that shit with either of the “guest” or featured artists.

And lastly, my major feelings are summed up with JUSTIN MOTHERFUCKIN’ TIMBERLAKE. He basically made the show for me. Clearly I had a lot of feelings about the show but JT was certainly my main one. And Jimmy Falon should be his hype man forever and ever amen.

the only reason i forced myself to watch vma’s is because of the nsync performance. i was surprised that Mr. Justin Randall Timberlake still has the touch. he can still dance like it’s nobody’s business. finally, jc chasez, lance bass, chris kirkpatrick, joey fatone. my four other childhood crushes along with jt sharing one stage. my 2013 is complete! what can i say? christmas came early. they reminded me how an award show should be. you won’t ever lose interest watching them because they know how to entertain right.

the unimportant details that i noticed.
1)was rihanna too high or was she low?
2)if miley cyrus wasn’t pro lgbt marriage i won’t even look at her for the reason i’m not going to say because it’s too mean.
3)taylor swift needs to keep it to herself sometimes. we knooooow taylor we knooooow!

Agreeing that Selena Gomez should’ve won and HELL YES there was booing from the crowd for 1D. They need to sit the fuck down while NSYNC is singing because NSYNC has boy band status GODS. Justin Timberlake sang a whole album right? Bromance moments with Fallon.

Nice Macklemore song at least we know there are straight people who care about our feelings as gays?

And WTF is up with Miley Cyrus? No, Miley, don’t go down the Lohan road!!!!!!!!!!

oh god, Miley Cyrus is trying so hard and using black women as props for her performance. Slapping black women’s asses and wannabe twerking? RAGE. So fucking disgusting. Her whole get up is racist. I wish she would go away. Someone tell her this is not okay. What the fuck.

Also, don’t even get me started on New White Boy Savior, Macklemore, champion of gay rights and Intelligent Rap Music. I could do with 100% less of him.

Well, I don’t think Macklemore is making more intelligent music than other rappers. My point is that “intelligent” rap music is condescending because it assumes the genre’s default is offensive and meaningless, which is inaccurate and also not Macklemore’s place to change even if it were true, imo.

Rihanna made me laugh all night. She was the most entertaining. Also the way MTV trolled ASAP Rocky. The irony of that whole situation was not lost. ASAP’s stance was so “please no one think I’m gay” and yet next to Jason Collins it was ASAP who my dad assumed was male-seeking.

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