A Defining Love

Love, some of us burst with it. I LOVE the sky, the sun, the moon. I LOVE to eat spaghetti with mushrooms! I apologize for the Dr. Seuss, it just came out. How Random!

Point is, it’s PASSION. Overwhelming – all out feeling passion. About living. About feeling. About basking in the glow of pure joy. I, myself, enjoy that part of me that gets awestruck. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I used to hold back (stop, I did!) but it’s just not me.

Last night, Jason and I attended a class at our Church. It’s called marriage foundations. They actually pair an engaged couple, or newly married couple with a long time married couple. For an hour and half in class you go over different things about founding a marriage that will last. Not one you try at, but one you DECIDE to be in for life. Then, as you learn things and go through the class, you have your mentors there to help as you go along. Not just in class, but anytime you might need help.

Now let me just say, I have been married twice. The first I tried at it, decided it wasn’t for me, and moved on. The second one, harder to explain, and it’s actually in another post if you want to look under the Joys of Writing tab. He was an atheist and I had no idea who or what I was.

Before I go rambling off topic (which is love by the way), I just want to say. I did not build a marriage in the first two. I did not work at it. I assumed being in love was all it took, falling out of love you divorced. SO..I’ve come a long way. And along that way, I discovered a God that loved me and wanted the best for me.

Marriage number three is not an easy thing to swallow at 38 (or 39 when we actually tie the knot). I will absolutely do anything to ensure our love foundation is STRONG. Not just for us, but for his two girls, and my daughter as well. Quite frankly, they deserve it. I will not put them through another divorce. Ever.

This class comes up and I’m emphatic we need to attend this. The timing is right, as long as his mom can keep the little girls for half an hour, which she can, and they are all thrilled about that. It’s only five weeks long, one night a week. Last night we went to class. Our first (and not last) effort to build a strong base for our lives.

Love. I love spaghetti. I love my spouse. Not the same kind of love is it? In Hebrew, he pronounced words for the three descriptions of love – uh not spaghetti love – but spouse love. Heh.

Raya-A friendship love. A soul mate love. A best friend love.

Ahava-A deep soul love. A love that hurts when you are away from them. A love that commits for life.

Dod-The uniting love of body, mind, and soul. Two become one. Intimacy.

Each represent a flame of love for each other. Together all three burn to form the hottest, most intense satisfying love between two people. A love that does not flicker, or extinguish. One flame by itself could be compromised. It’s not vigorous. It could burn, but not as intensely. Two flames could burn as well, but which of the three above would you chose to live without and still be happy? The answer, based on my experience, is none. It takes all three to sincerely love your spouse in the purest, most deserving way, not just for them, but for you too. It’s truly the way God wanted it to be. A unity, uniting together to be brighter, and fiercer.

As I was driving home, I felt ahava as I missed Jason very much. His graduate school is very hard and demanding. He has chapters to read and projects due. We are split between three households. His, mine, and the little girls who live with their mom. We really don’t have a lot of time together. I was comforted by this flame of love for him. I was comforted by a bright future times three, which got me thinking….

Three flames.

Three daughters.

Three tens.

Our marriage date, 10-10-10, time of ceremony 3:10pm. Coincidence? Or an undeniable design of a Trinity with God at the center. An impending covenant set alight by using each of us as an accelerant.

I had no idea about the three flames of love until last night. Now, it all makes sense. Love defined.

“Three things will last forever – faith, hope and love – and the greatest of these is love.
1 Cor 13:13

Update- If you’d like to watch the video and don’t mind spanish subtitles I have included here

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32 thoughts on “A Defining Love”

wow i am not sure what to say about how much i love this post. i think what hit me the most is there are christians out there who do see the beauty of love and mysticism within that love and how it is not dirty but makes us spiritual wholes. normally this is reserved for us who follow eastern religion or pagan philosophies and I love that you posted this from a Christian point of view….because you “get it” there is nothing more spiritual then that union where it does hurt to be seperated from your soul mate. and you used the ancient text i LOVE it!

Dina-Sometimes, I feel a soaring in my spirit because I do “get it” and many don’t and it makes me a little different because I an Christian. Last night, I was wondering somewhat about what they would say and then he spoke Hebrew and it was like I came AWAKE. I wish the page could pronounce the words for others they were so beautiful to me We watched a video and the guy said the words over and over and explained the flames. I was just captured. It is truly what my spirit needed to hear and feel. I LOVED it. I am so glad you can relate. Your comment means the world! Thank you!

I did enjoy this post and appreciated the statement that you will not put the girls through another divorce, this reminded me of my relationship with my wife, Cindy and I have both been married before and have kids from our first marriages, they are all grown now but we still say that no matter what we will stay married because divorce is harder than putting up with each other :^)

Seriously it looks like you are going the right direction with your relationship, You Jason and the girls will all be fine, marriage is tough but it is much easier when you build it with God and the right person and it appears you have found him in Jason.

Angelia,
I love the Corinthians verse you have quoted. Love is such a special thing….and reading this today – I believe very much that you are this for each other. You are creating something very special and it is beautiful…

This is beautiful, and so what I needed right now. I need to decide to LOVE The Husband, not just stick to “staying with him”. I mean, things aren’t THAT bad, just a weird spot, but still… I need to LOVE him unconditionally.

You are SOOOOOO VERY DEAR, Angelia! I don’t think I will ever be able to thank You enough for the way You share Your life, heart, and soul. You gift times a billion. Blessings to You All and Cheers and Namaste. 🙂

I love your connection to 3’s!!! It’s one of my fave numbers as we got married on 03/03/03! Easy to remember!

Also, I know exactly what you mean by making sure THIS marriage is going to work!! My first lasted all of 2 months!! When both of you are willing to work on strengthening the foundation…you’ll be rock solid!!!

What a beautiful post and commitment to marriage. I think it isn’t until we are older that we can truly appreciate marriage and the work that has to go into it. But, you get back as much as you put in! Congratulations on successfully finding love!!!
Lindsey Petersenhttp://5kidswdisabiliities.wordpress.com

I also have a deep connection with the number three – father, son, holy spirit – but numbers divided by three are equally important. Richard and I got married in September – the 9th month.

Like you and Jason, Richard and I want more than anything for our marriage to be for life. We both tried with our first marriages and if our respective spouses hadn’t left us, we’d probably still be trying (we’re both loyal to a fault).

We went through the Love and Respect seminar (which is great – but if you don’t have time for the seminar, get the book – fabulous!) and we both learned a lot – although, Richard seems to know some of this stuff better than me. We used passages from Ephisans in our wedding ceremony and we invited God into our marriage so that are marriage had the strength of three strands (which, when braided, is very, very strong).

I have no doubt you and Jason will have a lifetime of happiness and bliss!

It’s just so nice to see a relationship that you just know in your heart will produce a lasting, loving marriage. You two sound so ‘in sync’ with each other, which is what it’s all about… finding that love that you just can’t do without.

I’m lucky to have found my other half in my husband and am consistently surprised by the number of people out there that don’t have it – nor do they seem to want it… ?? It’s almost like they don’t know how great it can be and how much they’re missing out on. So sad.

I think that because marriage is between people it is work. I don’t think it is always “hard” work, maybe it is more accurate to say conscious effort. Some times because I am human I am grumpy and don’t want to be nice, which could result in an argument/fight, so I have to make the effort to be nice because he doesn’t deserve me being a grump. Or sometimes I have to make an effort to be extra patient with him because he is grumpy. It is work because people are complicated. But when you are both working towards the same goal it is so awesome.

I love this post and your explanation of the loves. I am excited that you are determined this will be your last marriage. I think sometimes three is a charm.

Wow! As always it’s a wonderful post. I didn’t know this about the three flames but it sounds like it really makes sense! And I think that coincidence is some kinde of “positive fate”…
And I’m sure this marriage will be forever!

I really like the idea of that class! I think it would help alot of people to have mentors who have been married for a long time. It really is about making a committment and not backing down. It’s work and it’s hard, but it’s so worth it. Congrats again on the upcoming nuptials.

My(THIRD) husband’s great aunt taught him, “I LIKE carrots, but I LOVE my mother.” God only knows how much I have heard that quote in the last 25 years!

After an extremely busy week, I took a relaxing moment under my ramada today. Believe it or not, I was thinking about “three!” It is deemed to be a magical number, because it appears in the bible so frequently.

If you have read my comments on “The Guys Perspective,” then you know that I am on my third, and magical marriage.
However, I have FOUR children. Actually SIX if you count the two steps. Oh, o,k,! Six divided by two is three!

Beautiful post. And way to see the correlations there with the number 3! Marriage is work. It’s very rewarding work, but it is work. And although my marriage encompasses all three of those kinds of love you mentioned, what has allowed it work is me being comfortable with the times that I don’t feel any of those and yet believe that they are still there.

Speaking of love, I LOVE this post! Beautifully written, and soulfully digested…I was first married two years ago and, being in my early thirties at the time and stubbornly independent to a fault, I learned quite quickly what a true commitment marriage is (especially since it entailed quitting my beloved job and moving across an ocean for it). I get irritated with anyone who tries to pass off their life as perfect and that marriage is blissful, because I know they are lying through their teeth. And the crazy thing is that I’m not being pessimistic when I say something like this. The beautiful truth that I have found after a difficult first year is that it’s actually the adversity that makes love better. No, not the state of being in adversity, but the ability to work through it together on the same team. When you pull through the tough times (and, most surprisingly, find that you’re willing to pull through the tough times, even when you’re treading that fine line between love and hate…and, oh man, is that line THIN sometimes!), you feel that much closer and meant to be. There were several times when I was ready to give up already, and here I am, still capable of feeling butterflies in my stomach like I did the first time we admitted our feelings for each other. All of this has shown me that love is a more amazing thing than I could have ever previously romanticized/idealized, sheerly because it’s imperfect and teaches us what is worth fighting for.

Sorry I am so behind on replies. I really do appreciate your comments.

@Ellen-Thank you, that means so much to me.

@Jimmy-I like that saying, divorce is harder than putting up with each other. SO TRUE. Love is my choice not an option.

@Lance-I hope our creation continues on through our children. I hope they always know love and what it can be.

@Jaymie-Thank you! Heaps of blessings back to you my friend.

@Heather-I’m glad to hear you made the right choice. I know you two are in it for life. Through your posts your love and laughter for each other shine through.

@Much More Than Mommy-It’s not always going to be three flames and that is what you feel when you lack one. But they can burn bright again. It’s a decision you have to make even when it’s not going so well. Please keep me updated. I am here for you!

@blissbait-You are dear to me! You inspire me to share and feel with your poetry and paintings.Bless you greatly!

@Missy-Rock solid- I like that. Like a classic hit! It really does take that~I’m all in~ commitment to get through the rough times.

@5kidswithdisabilities-I believe being older and more experienced at life has everything to do with how much you are willing to put into it. Very much so! Thanks for the comment and good luck with the book. 🙂

@suzicate-Thank you my dear, kind talented friend.

@Peggy-Love it, love it, love it. The three strands being strong when braided. Awesome. Funny you mention that book. Jason’s brother and sister-in-law gave it to us and said the same thing. We haven’t read it yet, but everyone raves about it. Jason and I are both loyal to a fault too. Now is when that will come in handy, right?

@Lena-I always pray it’s his beauty that shines through. No matter what I write. Thank you for your kind sweet words. You are such a blessing to meet and know this year.

@Doraz-They say you can’t truly love another until you love yourself. It took me a lot of soul searching and forgiving to really get there but it was worth it!

@Shayna-Thanks much! I hope it keeps a light burning for you and your future mate.

@Renee-Thanks Renee! I love your comments and appreciate them so much.

@Foxy-I think I probably miscommunicate with him more than anyone. The good thing is, I’m not afraid to show my frustration. I stay true to me and he accepts that. Then we have a good laugh over it. True acceptance maybe that’s what it’s about. Glad you have it too girl!

@nothingprofound-I hope so. I think this man is deserving of that and more. Thanks for your moving words.

@Terre-I think the main thing is when the eye begins to rove. There is always a “what if” but if you do not entertain that and stay focused on the “what for” you will never wonder. It’s all right here. There is nothing better out there it’s only about the decisions you make.

@deiala-Positive fate~absolutely! I knew from the beginning we were brought together. I can’t wait to see what we accomplish. Thank you!

@pegbur7-Thank you! I do too. A cord just like the braid the other Peggy mentioned. Great minds!

@spot-I think so too. Did you know I just found out we get a discount on our marriage license for taking 6 hours of marriage class. How awesome is that? It’s a win, win! You are right about the work and if more people knew that maybe they would buckle down and endure the rough spots. I can tell by your (long) marriage how much it’s worth it. You’d be a great mentor couple.

@Judie-I love your magical three story! I did read your comment as well and I have another friend whose husband is from high school days too and they met up again. That is sooo incredible! I am so sorry I haven’t had a chance to visit but I can’t wait to read all about it. 🙂

@Carolyn-I hear ya on that. Being comfortable and safe with yourself no matter what and assured the love is still keeping you warm. Great advice!

@thefallenmonkey-I couldn’t agree with you more. Jason and I are not a happily ever after fairy tale. We really do struggle communicating and opening up to our feelings and it is THOSE struggles that make it all the more real. I love how you’ve summed it up. The adversity brings us closer. I expect the imperfections. I welcome them. What can it teach me? How can make us stronger and tougher?
Excellent! I’m so happy for you and what you found!

I don’t think I saw this response back when you posted. Sometimes things get lost in my e-mail.

I don’t think that the eye roves . . . .unless there are other issues. I mean when you commit, you commit. As you get older there is younger maybe more beautiful out there, but I think it is ok to look at something beautiful an acknowledge it without ever having to desire it. I look at youth and beauty all the time and think it would be nice to BE that young and beautiful but not be WITH that young and beautiful. Maybe that is exactly what you are saying. It is an ideal that when you commit you throw away all “what ifs”.

I really don’t know, because I have never thought “what if”. Like I said, I look at youth and beauty and I admire it and I want to tell the holder to protect it and enjoy it, but I don’t want to “get wit’ dat” I love and cherish —- and I know I am blessed to have who and —- what I have so, I don’t know the roving eye.