Spoof news stories from Wednesday 27 July 2011

As the seconds tick down everyone is feeling proud. We are staging the Olympic Games and with a year to go we have 365 more days of pontificating drivel to give to the nation.
We may not have the money the Chinese put into their Games but we are o...

Time appears to be running out on President Obama's attempts to raise the US debt ceiling with experts now working round the clock to find a solution.
"There are very few cranes available and we are hauling the cement in from long distances," sai...

Meetings between Senior Executives of News International and Conservative Cabinet Ministers were 'nothing to do with News Corp's bid to take over BSkyB' said Cameron's Communications Director 'I have spoken to David Coulson several times about this matter and he says his plan was for all the meetings was a discussion of the weather.'
When I queried why so many meetings were required to discuss...

Police and K-9 units shut down a Charleston, W. Va industrial arts school after discovering that students, teachers, and the head administrator were running a pharmaceutical lab producing high grade Methamphetamine, (Meth.)
Attention was drawn to...

Today it is 366 days until it begins. Tomorrow it will be 365 days, and after that comes 364 days. It's the London Olympics of course!
Most of the building work and preparation is well on schedule. The enormous darts hall has been completed alread...

The AOL/ HuffPoo hookup is beginning to look more and more like a wet dream than an ideal love story with a happy ending between two enhanced profiles who meet on the internet
and then wind up screwing each other to death when they find out the tru...

Most residents of Middlesbrough, England, were ecstatic when they heard that the Olympic Torch will be carried through their town en route to London for the opening of the 2012 Olympic Games.
The 'handing over' of the torch will take place at The...

BROOKLYN - Marc Anthony recently spoke with a reporter for The Right Coast Illustrated Revue and talked about the real reasons why his wife of seven years Jennifer Lopez filed for divorce.
Marc sat down at the famed Le Loins of Joan of Arc Restaur...

As I speak with Jeff Haley, I notice that he smokes...a lot.
Jeff is the owner of No Excuses Jeans a once defunct line of jeans for which he bought the rights of the name two years ago. The line was started during the Gary Hart presidential campaign scandal. The company used Donna Rice who was caught "cavorting" with Hart to launch the line. The name implied Ms Rice didn't have to apologiz...

Washington DC -- The government has released a booklet of survival tips aimed at helping US citizens protect themselves during the nation's upcoming debt default.
Titled "Deadbeat Nation," the guide emphasizes that any property in America, public...

HOLLYWOOD - Nick "The Pencil" Cannon, host of America's Got Talent came out dressed in a stunning silver suit and looked like one of the Lone Ranger's silver bullets.
Last week AGT Judge Piers Morgan criticized his choice of clothing with its mult...

New York - The iconic Downtown delicatessen's latest treat was released today in tandem with the eatery's 'Crowbar' installer.
This loads up the server with juicy condiments 'such as the spicy Crowbar sauce'(sic) the deli's CEO announced this morn...

(LSM) - Ziggy, a leopard from Omaha Nebraska, was seriously injured today after he accidentally wandered into a daycare and was mauled by several toddlers. Witnesses say the leopard - seemingly unaware of the danger - tried to lick one of the childre...

Scientists were simultaneously elated and confounded over the recent discovery of the smallest particle in the universe, as produced from the $10 Billion Proton Collider on the Swiss/French border. The source for all other particle creation, also de...

Cleansing themselves of continued efforts to buy their company, the Clorox board of directors chose to stage a dramatic answer to Carl Icahn's $18 Billion offer, by ceremoniously removing stained T-Shirts with Icahn's name on them, and tossing them i...

London - The Foreign Secretary's chilling words warned that Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi's ability to slip in/slip out of the country unnoticed was making the Government look pretty foolish.
"WTF's he doing at a Jewish wake, forgawdssakes?" Hague dem...

After a long battle involving overwhelming odds, my 8 year old vacuum cleaner finally succumbed to clogged arteries, dust allergies, a slipped clutch, and two worn out fan belts, all blamed on inattention to detail, lack of service and indifference on the part of its handler.
Purchased not quite a decade ago to help combat the daily shedding of our Golden Retriever, at outrageous cost, the st...

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, has wound up Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron with taunts about Aston Villa selling their best players.
Cameron, who has been supporting the Villa since he was 13, is reported to be incensed by...

GREEN RIVER, Wyoming - Shakira had another sell out performance and this one was at The Cowboy Britches Auditorium in Green River. The standing room only crowd loved the little Colombian firecracker so much that she performed four encores.
The sat...

Supporting the urban truth that accepting a tattoo of your lover signals the end of a relationship, Jesse James has split from L.A. Ink Star Kat Von D following her recent acceptance of a full facial tattoo of James on her belly. Von D has reportedl...

Amy Winehouse's death now has two new connections to non-drug related causes. A recording of a un-named demo song reveals she was extremely upset by American politicians lack of resolve to raise the dept ceiling.
"Screw the dirty bastards in the U...

During Crystal Harris's recent appearance on the Howard Stern Show, the former playmate and soft porn mogul girlfriend spoke openly about her former 85 year old boyfriend and his proclivity for rapid response to stimulation.
"He lasted two secon...

London - A bit of tangled hexoplasm recovered from the College trashcan paints a very different picture of the Amy Winehouse RIP 'spun' by the UK media.
College cleaning woman Mrs Doris Pokes (no relation) said today a 'cold reading' of some disc...

The Democrats in charge of the asylum today welcomed Congressman David Wu's resignation but said he couldn't leave until he cast his vote on the impending debt crisis amendment.
"We've got to keep 'those crazy republicans' from killing seniors r...

Before even Kelly Osborne could take her hair out of its beehive and lay down on the street holding on to the pavement for dear life, Amy Winehouse has announced her comeback tour.
Within three minutes of arriving in Heaven, she joined forces with...

Unbelievably popular television journalist, Jeremy Clarkson, has - according to chiropody reports - got a verruca.
The chiropody reports, liberated from a Chipping Norton waste paper bin and painstakingly glued back together from their shredded re...

A new poll has thrown doubt on the results of thousands of surveys which claim to reflect the moods and tastes of the nation.
This latest survey, carried out by PollsRUs for EIF News & Features, questioned several local people and came up with...

MALIBU BEACH - The star of the Twilight motion pictures has recently been linked to the very gorgeously endowed Colombian actress Sofia Vergara.
Vergara stars on the number one sit-com in America Modern Family. Earlier this year the show won four...

LOS ANGELES - Charlie Sheen, the man who threw away the number one comedy show in America (Two and A Half Men) and who recently lost both of his goddesses along with lots of common sense brain cells [double negative alert!] cannot stand not to be in...

Takwana and Anitakapita met with their favourite Spoof Writer today after calling her to set up a meeting in their favourite restaurant, Morrisons' Berwick Hills Branch.
By the time our writer met up with them they were both 'fit to be tied'. She asked them why they were so obviously angry.
First they sat down at a table near the window with cups of tea and tuna sandwiches whilst the girls...

In a surprising turn of events Tuesday morning, the prominent conservative organization New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedom (NYCF) dropped their lawsuit against the New York state government and promptly followed by opening a civil case against Go...