Miscellaneous Monday Mthoughts Mabout My Mweekend!

August 19, 2013

Hello, people! Or maybe a few smart chimpanzees! Hello, chimpanzees!

I bet a dolphin could find this website. You know, if someone held a tablet against the plexiglass wall for the dolphin to see and then connected that to an underwater stylus or keyboard or something. I bet a dolphin could type out http://www.kristenstewartwantsit.com and hit enter. I have faith in dolphins!

I successfully went to the beach TWICE without receiving in return much of a sunburn. That was nice. I got some on my left shoulder and a little bit on my right shoulder and a little bit on my stomach. I really need to step up my shoulder spray game. I’ve got my face, neck, ears, chest, arms, legs game all on point. My back game doesn’t exist. That is all Danielle on that one. But her back didn’t get burned, which is because of my back game on her, so if anyone needs me to hose you down with sunscreen spray – I’ll probably do it. Well, I might do it. I mean I did it for Danielle, but I also have pre-marital sex with her too, so unless some of that happens – I might turn you down on spraying your back.

There was a lot of great people watching at the beach. Spoiler alert – people are idiots and weirdos. That’s what you learn when you really watch people. Evolved from monkeys? You bet your jorts wearing ass, my friend. Way too many people at the beach rocking jorts. And by that, I mean like 4, which is 4 more than there should be.

I saw a lot of kids playing with themselves… errr… by themselves. Whatever doesn’t sound like they were masturbating and whatever sounds more like they were fighting the waves as if they were other humans interacting with them. I will gladly admit I was one of those kids when I was a kid. I used to pretend the waves were attacking ‘waves’ of ninjas and I would KARATE CHOP them in half. It was all quite impressive. And let me tell you this! That after 20 some odd years of technological evolution and iPads and iPhones and internet and One Direction and so forth – there were at least a dozen kids doing the EXACT same shit I was doing when I was their age. So, times have not changed that much.

I ate an icee. Probably the first icee I’ve eaten in a good 10 years. I can’t even remember the last last time I had an icee. I got a half coconut, half mango icee, which would have scared the shit out of me whenever the last time I ate an icee was before that. I love coconut nowadays. Love it. I hated it for most of my life, but in the last 6 years or so, I’ve eaten a fuck ton of coconut and I’m loving it. The mango might not have been my cup of tea either back then, but I was pretty open to fruit flavors back then. Coconuts though were verbotten! It was a pretty good icee. I’d estimate I’ve spent almost a month of my life eating icees. I think almost every baseball game/practice ended with eating an icee from years 6-12, so that’s a shit ton of icees. Sucking on those paper cups. Seems disgusting to me nowadays, but that was the best back in like 1993. As for the icee itself, the coconut was quite good, but a little strong. The mango was a nice buffer. Although, I would’ve enjoyed more coconut to a little less mango.

What else?

Oh right! My third anniversary with Danielle. Yep.

THREE YEARS! TRES ANOS! WHATEVER ELSE IN WHATEVER ELSE LANGUAGE!

We went to the Hotel Tides for dinner, which was excellent as always. We drank some wine, we ate some steak, we ate some tiramisu, we had a gin and tonic, we smelled someone in the hotel smoking weed, and then we went back home and watched the UFC fights. All wonderful.

Three years. It feels longer than that. Three years is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, which may make it seem like it has been longer, but at the same time everything just feels longer in a weird way. Like we went to Iceland together and that feels like forever ago and yet it was less than a year ago. But it feels like a long time ago that I wasn’t with Danielle.

It has been a good run so far. Although, we do have our bad moments. Like last night. Last night, I was watching “White Men Can’t Jump” – which Danielle has never seen – and I point out that one of the guys in the two-on-two tournament in the middle of the movie is from the other basketball movie “The Air Up There” and she had no idea what I was talking about. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCK! Seriously! SERIOUSLY?! Kevin Bacon, Jimmy Dolan’s shake-n-bake, Africa, Saleh?! C’MON! It’s like she’s doing this shit on purpose.

Anyway…

I’ve enjoyed these three years thoroughly. Love you, _dharv.

What else?

Oh yeah, I ate a sandwich that I loved almost as much as the three year relationship I have had with Danielle. I’M KIDDING… sort of. It was good though. Don’t judge me! You eat that sandwich and not tell me it was as good as a committed three year relationship with someone you bought a dog with and are planning to buy a house with. Ok! Then we see who is right and who is just judging! Huh!

The sandwich was called St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and was from the Speakeatery in Asbury Park. Oh my gawd, it was magnificent. I wish I could eat it again right now, but at the same time that would kill me. It’s a slice of every type of deli meat they have on a sub roll with your choice of cheese and potato chips. It was phenomenal. I don’t think it had any mayo or dressing or anything on it. Somehow the greasyness of some of the meats lubricated the rest of the meats and it made for a simply wonderful eating experience. It was spicy, it was sweet, it was meaty. It was … now, I’m salivating thinking of it. I love you, St. Valentine’s Day Massacre sandwich.

What else?

I played Mexican Train Dominoes. That was interesting. It wasn’t as complicated as I expected it to be or as annoying. So, that was good.

What else what else?

I didn’t go to the movie theater this weekend and nor did any of you it seems like. The #1 movie made less than $30 million and most of the other movies made less than $20 million, which is nothing. “Kick-Ass 2” bombed! Like violently bombed this weekend. I’m not sure if that’s because Jim Carrey did not support the movie and he was in it or if it was backlash against the movie for being a fairly needless sequel or if it was because it looked bad or if it was because the best parts of “Kick-Ass” are not really represented in “Kick-Ass 2”. The best part of “Kick-Ass” was Hit Girl and Big Daddy. And, spoiler alert, Big Daddy dies in “Kick-Ass”. And, Hit Girl is a little girl in “Kick-Ass” and is now a cute teenager in “Kick-Ass 2”, which makes it seem more like a ripoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a high school chick kicking ass and that 18-34 male demo has shown they do not like seeing teen to mid 20’s looking girls kicking ass. They either want them to be old or pre-teen. Just a good looking broad kicking ass is not enough for the 18-34 demo for some reason. I didn’t see “Kick-Ass 2” because it looked bad and the switched directors. I’m all for chicks kicking ass.