Remembering what I am in treatment for

Hey Readers, Facebook Friends & Family. I have been using marijuana for PTSD treatments since May 2018. I think I may have been overdoing it since last weekend so I decided to take 24 hours off use. What happened when I took my break? here is what happened when I took a full 24 hours off of use:

Unrelieved anxiety & paranoia – I entered back into the world where everyone is my enemy. Much like I felt when I was at Seneca from 2016-2018.

Depression – My feeling of hopelessness returned in full force. At points last night there were times when I could not do anything.

Interval sleeping – My brain stayed on high alert and every little noise woke me up. That is okay, “Doctors highly recommend 3 hours of sleep at a time. Right?”

To Summarize other feelings at this time. I don’t want to put on my favorite tye dye shirt or my bandanna, no thoughts of painting my nails & embracing my dual spirit. I want to hide like I don’t deserve to be seen. I don’t even feel like using my positive affirmations. Is it worth it?

“A condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.” Google search

If you ask me what it is, however… I will tell you it is.

Consistently having nightmares that make sleep impossible.

Feeling like the world’s sole purpose with you is to torment you.

Losing the ability to believe in love because it only amounts to pain

Struggling to hold a job because you stress yourself out of them

Feeling crushed under the pressure of what you feel is your closely approaching doom.

On the telephone doing financial market research in the Baltimore territory. I got called a cockroach by someone on the other end of the phone 6/25. A cockroach, like something exposed to a filthy environment, multiple trauma’s but just won’t die! Even if you crush just a part of one of these pests, it can drag itself around still. However, a cockroach feels no pain!

Maybe I am dirty, maybe I am dragging around a partially crushed carcas. I do feel pain though & instead of letting it kill me. I just try to live in spite of it.