Thursday, March 28, 2013

I do not mean to flatter myself by implying that everyone was on the edge of their seats, waiting for my commentary on the finale. Or maybe the implication that more than .06 people read this blog. And yes, I do hate myself a little bit for what I’m about to do, in playing the card that is played by EVERY GIRL EVER on this show, who comes from below the Mason-Dixon line: y’all, I just can’t help my Southern upbringing, which guilts me into apologizing for the tardiness of this post, ‘cause it’s real rude to be late.

BUT WHATEVER: I WAS IN CHINA. Where they don’t have The Bachelor. Or Facebook. Or blogspot.com

And while the United flight over there had the entirety of Joe Jonas’ solo album for me to listen to, they didn’t have WiFi.

But China does have this guy:

So I watched the finale the night before I left and didn’t get a chance to post it before I entered Communist territory. ONWARD AND UPWARD:

I’m packing for China as I write this. That is not a joke.
I’m also watching this with my mother.
Lou, THE PEANUT GALLERY HERSELF.

I mean, I consider myself a heavy Movie Talker, but I most certainly learned it from this lady. I threatened to revoke her speaking privileges multiple times in the first fifteen minutes.

She hasn’t seen any of this season, unless you count keeping up with the US Magazine covers, although she is not new to The Bachelor Franchise: in high school, before DVR existed (ok before it existed for the Douglas Family, anyway) she would watch the show and take notes for me, when I had late rehearsals. Whatta gal. She doesn’t actually know Hare’s name, she just knows him as “THE TOOL,” but she slowly warmed up to him last night, although she had many qualms with the man’s tie.
To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)
And a final disclaimer: I shall refer to my mother as “Granny,” one of my father’s sick pet names for her that is utterly ill-fitting, yet totally perfect at the same time: the term “granny” calls to mind a wrinkled, sun-baked, cigarette-smoking, possibly-motorcycle-driving redneck. My mother is none of these. So the irony, coupled with her passionate protests against the nickname, make it hilarious.

Memorable Quotes:
- Granny: How can he be in love with two women at the same time?
Grace: THIS IS THE BACHELOR FRANCHISE, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS, MA. - At one point Lindz asserted, “I am consumed by him.”
…For someone who is NOT articulate so much of the time, these are big words.
- Lindz tried to drag the truth out of Sean on their last night with a final plea, “I would just love to know what YOU’RE thinking.” To which he replied something exceedingly vague, which may as well have been, “Yeah but I signed a contract where I can’t say anything until my appearance on the live three-hour season finale and After The Final Rose, k?”
- Sean whined and wallowed in his indecision, whilst in Thailand: “I’m all by myself, here.” To which Granny retorted: “Certainly is a nice place to be all by yourself.”
- And finally, again, in a shocking turn of events, where Lindsay surprised us with her striking verbal clarity in a moment of deep rejection: “I’m gonna go, cause this is painful. And This is my nightmare. And I didn’t see it coming.” YIKESBIKES.

Questions We Have:
(These are all from Granny:)

- “How are they not sweating their asses off?”
- “Where are his shoes?” Sean appeared shoeless on SEVERAL occasions. Is it irreverent to wear shoes in Thailand?
- Granny: “Is he from Thailand?”
Grace: Do you think he’s from Thailand? Why would you ask that?
Granny: Well I didn’t know if they were missionaries. Like your Future Mr. Grace Douglas’s family, the Tebows. Why is the family there?
Grace: BECAUSE THIS IS THE FINALE.

Observations:
- Granny is LOVING Sean’s Dad’s yuk yuk jokes right now. Spoiler alert, Granny: Grace will NOT have a father-in-law who is full of these.
- Sean’s Dad asked Catherine, “Do you believe in the bachelor process? Do you believe it can happen?” These are both great questions. But the tone in which he asked them was indicative that the second was to reiterate the first. When in reality, these are two TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUESTIONS.
- Granny basically got out a notepad and started taking notes on the questions the parents were asking. I have no doubt she’s called Sherry and scheduled a date to go power walking. At the beginning of the segment, she asked, “How do we sign your brother up for this?” But as Sean took his Mama for a little stroll so she could cry it out, a weeping (no joke, the woman was crying) Granny said, “I would NEVER put Davey through that!” Too bad I’ve been sending his application in to Chris Harrison six times a day for the past six years.
- Instead of bringing out the oft over-used Bachelor Scrapbook/Dead Rose Petal Collection, Lindz pulled out a pile of white material, to which my dear friend Katie shouted, “I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WEDDING DRESS AND SHE WAS GOING TO BURN IT.” She proceeded to tell Sean that lighting the lanterns and making wishes were “a thing in Thailand.” Dear Lindz: These lanterns aren’t a ‘thing’ in Thailand, they are a tradition from a magical Disney movie we all call Tangled.
- I love that Catherine is as excited about riding the elephant as every other girl EVER is about riding a helicopter. And apparently she’s so tiny that holding her waist would stabilize NOTHING for Sean, and he has to hold her arms. Or his hands are so large and her waist is SO tiny and short, that he’d be grabbing her chest, if he tried to hang on any other way.
- About Cat, Granny went from, “I’m impressed with her honesty,” to “I really dig her honesty.” WE LOVE CAT’S HONESTY, OVER HERE
- At the LIVE THREE HOUR SEASON FINALE, when Sarah came on the screen I said, “Oh yeah. That’s the girl with one arm. Granny replied, “Well no, she has… one and a half.” Classic.

And finally, everyone’s favorite section: Highlighted Verbal Faux Pas:
While I nearly revoked Granny’s speaking privileges SEVERAL times throughout the night, she is my mother, and it should surprise no one that she’s just as big a grammar snob as I, so it was delightful to have nit-picky company throughout the show. My biggest beef was with Lindz, asking Sean’s dad “Can I have Sean’s hand in marriage?” First of all, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. But secondly, Lindz, let me put it to you like you’d put it to your third graders: Are you asking Mr. Lowe if you’re physically capable of having Sean’s hand in marriage, or if you have his permission? MAY I have his hand in marriage. The lack of question mark at the end of that clause is intentional. Granny had a big problem with the TWO times Sean chose to say, “I think I could have a long marriage with both Lindsay and Catherine, at this point.” Is it a point of deep conflict for you, that you get along so well with BOTH of them, Seannie? No. the conflict lies in the fact that you could choose EITHER of them.

And fortunately, he only picked one. And if those two don’t get married and live happily ever after, I’ll just die. They are so cute that I could literally vomit.

However, my stomach is turned in a NOT pleasant way by Dez the Arnaz being the next Bachelorette. The only redeeming quality is that, while she wasn’t nearly in the leagues of aShLeE or Tiara, in terms of verbal faux pas, I have zero doubt that she’ll come out with a couple of classics, next season.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

- Sarah: “Too Good to Be True,” Eden’s Edge – “Before I knew it, my heartstrings unwound / I fell faster than a cannon ball; straight down…” I mean, not only did Sarah literally “fall” for Sean, off a building, but figuratively yes, the girl fell faster than a cannon ball… - aShLeE” “If You Told Me To,” Hunter Hayes – “I’d run through the desert, I’d walk through the rain/ I could be so good at loving you, but only if you told me to…” I’m gonna let this song speak for itself. - Dez: “Just Stay Here Tonight,” Augustana – “You’ll be the last one, picking up the pieces/you’ll be the last one, standing up strong…” This is going along with Hare’s assertion that Dez was Sean’s soul mate. Cause if Hare thought Dez was Sean’s soulmate, who are we to question their bond? - Tiara: “Warning Sign,” Coldplay – “Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in…” those were more or less the words Tiara said to Sean when he entered the mayhem in St. Croix, just before he sent her home. This is actually one of the most underrated/brilliant songs of Coldplay’s, and doesn’t fit Tiara at ALL, but that one line was too good to resist. - Selma: “Kiss On My List,” Hall and Oates - …Because Selma’s kiss was not on Sean’s list of “the best things in life.” - MyBestFriendLez: “It’s Too Late,” Tim Halperin & Haley Orrantia – MBFLesley and Sean will sing this to each other on the day of Lesley’s wedding, obviously. Sean will start with the serenade, “Your dress is white, his eyes are blue, just hope that he takes care of you, my love…”- Robyn: “Forget About Love,” Return of Jafar – “Love really is revolting: it’s even worse than when you’re molting…” If you never saw this movie then you can just stop reading right now. Robyn needed to forget about Tiara, but definitely forget about love with Sean…- Catherine: “Little Things,” One Direction – I mean, Cat and Sean talk about their “little things” all the time, don’t they? No one seemed to tell One Direction that “you still have to squeeze into your jeans” is not exactly a winning line, but still, this song seemed fitting… - Lindsay: “Merry Go Round,” Kacey Musgraves – “We get bored, so we get married…” WHY IS LINDSAY DYING TO SETTLE DOWN AT 12 24? - “Miss Me,” Andy Grammer – I’m pretty sure Sean could sing this to Emily Maynard any day of the week. That is all.

I actually didn’t even see all of last night, but the first half that I did see was so repetitive and un-worth it that I don’t even care what aShLeE had to say to Sean.

I only have one question, followed by MANY memorable quotes and verbal faux pas…

1) WHO SAID this dark-at-the-top/light-at-the-bottom hair was ok? Seriously, GIRLS. It looks like you had a scalp wound, had to put hydrogen peroxide on it and are now growing out your roots. I DON’TUNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS OK. I understand that Giuliana Rancic made this a thing, but she should be punished for doing so.

The next section can pretty much be split into Tiara and Hare, in terms of documenting memorable things that were said throughout the night. (Or the half of the night I watched) America’s favorite host showed a crack in that seemingly-flawless veneer last night, with his redundant concoction of “self-admittedly.” There is no ‘admitting’ that doesn’t involve the ‘self.’ Congrats, Hare: you are now in the leagues of Gretchen Weiners, and her use of “irregardless.” I’ve decided that I would like to see Jennifer Lawrence do an interview with Chris Harrison, because she seems capable of calling out a bad question when she sees it. I don’t even want to know what kind of blatantly obvious questions he asked aShLeE, but let’s talk about the time he posed THIS question to Sarah: “When you say ‘it’s always the same thing,’ from guys, what does that mean?”WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS, HARE? Digging the knife in isn’t even remotely interesting here, because any man, woman, boy, girl or DOG can answer this question. And is it just me, or were they going a bit overboard on Sarah being a “TOTAL FAN FAVORITE,” last night? I would argue that what “won over” America was Sarah’s candor with the “it’s always the same thing,” comment. Because who can’t relate to that? He did try and access America’s empathy for Tiara when he asked her, “Is this normal? Are you normally misunderstood like this?” Her answer was no. …Well that was awkward.

Tiara said a lot of things last night that made zero sense. Mostly it’s just her grammar and vocabulary that needs work. But perhaps one of her most bewildering lines was, “They judge me based off of what I look like, not all my morals I have, as well and the good family I come from…”

…Questions I have, in regards to this: 1) What kind of conclusions do people draw, in their judgment of your appearance? I would also like to take a moment to quote the late, great Oscar Wilde: “It is only shallow people who do not judge my appearances.” Just think about it. John Murdock, you may use that as your next Quote on Twitter. Quitter. Twote? 2) How are they supposed to know your morals, if you give them the stink eye and don’t say good morning, eh? 3) Don’t good families teach you to say “good morning” back? Cause the Douglas Family question of the day is “How did you sleep?” Roommates still think I’m weird, for asking this…

And finally, everyone’s favorite section, featuring the Best Of last night’s verbal faux pas. We’ll start with aShLeE and her phrase, “Bash on people.”

Unless this has been turned into a severe colloquialism without my knowledge, such as “hate on each other,” there is not preposition to soften the blow. People don’t get bashed on, they just get bashed.

TIARA: - “I light up in a room.”…Do you light up in a room, or do you “light up a room”?

- "I can’t tell you what every day happened in the house.” Tiara meant to use “every day” at the end of the sentence. But the way she said it last night, “every day” would have been a nonessential phrase… Which should have been set off by commas… Which should have induced pauses on either side of it.

- “Sean and I’s connection” I just… I’m not even going to dignify this with any attempt at commentary.

- “She ganged up on me…” I don’t even remember if this was the example phrase that Tiara used to say how “she was always wrong,” with the women, and if so: POOR CHOICE, TIARA. Because a single person cannot “gang up” upon another. This phrase literally has the word “gang” in it, which implies a plurality.

And finally, we shall close with a golden exchange between Tiara and Hare:

Tiara: Who cares about my eyebrow? Hare: America cares.

*I said “shuffle.” That was a total lie. These are 10 songs from a playlist of about 15 songs on my “Shower Tunes” playlist. It is the only playlist on my iPod. This is because my iPod buttons don’t work, but it plays from the iHome, so I can still have shower tunes - the playlist is never very long because I can’t skip songs – I have to LOVE all the songs that are on there. I didn’t wanna waste anyone’s time by putting all of this extraneous information at the top, but I DO want to take ownership of the fact that I absolutely adore every single song in that list and refuse to apologize for things like One Direction and The Return of Jafar.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

I'm not really sure what is inspiring this post, but I'm just gonna need to take a minute to talk about what kind of Bachelor success COULD. HAVE. BEEN. if these bozos had ANY discernment about choosing a soul mate. We will go in chronological order:

1) Sean: MyBestFriendLesley said "Oh she's just being Miley," and Lez's best friend Grace said, "OH SEAN SHOULD HAVE WIFED YOU."

2) Emily: I'm really sorry, but I LOVED Ryan and Emily together. I mean yeah, he said some weird things but they kept each other on their toes. And let's face it: Emily is a trophy wife. Sigh.

3) Ben: Obviously we all know Ben's real soulmate is a one Rita Spellings, but in terms of who was on the show, this was by far the best match. (I was totally a fan of Kacie B, due to her "I just want it to be over. To just be the two of us, together in real life, going to the grocery store..." BECAUSE THAT IS REAL LIFE, as opposed to the usual shtick we hear, like Michelle Money's "I want us to ride off into the sunset and see lots of fireworks in the background..." that is, UNTIL KACIE WENT CRAY, ON SEAN'S SEASON...) But I'm pretty sure this girl Emily was a Paleontologist or something; she was definitely getting her PhD... And she DEFINITELY had a sense of humor...

4) Brad: If nothing else, this picture says it all. I don't know where they are (Africa? I can't remember...) but that hat is too good. As is Chantal. I thought they were great together. Remember when it rained on their date and they were both totally chill about it? Soul. Mates.

(I would, however, now like to make the pitch that Brad get together with aShLeE from Sean's season... Right??)

5) If ever there was a major mess-up in Bachelor History, it was this one. Ali and Frank were meant to be. I think I cried when Frank announced his departure. I'm totally kidding; I didn't, but Frank stands at the summit of Bachelor Mountain for myself, as well as for Kirk and Rebecca Johnson, and anyone else who is willing to admit that they have a soul. Here's to you, Frankie.

6) Is Tenley still with Kiptyn? I don't know. They were definitely cute together. And I'm no fan of Jake's, but did anyone NOT see that this was a match made in heaven? Clearly America never would have had to see the raging angry Jake that appeared during his VERY public break up with Vienna, if he had picked Tenley in the first place...

7) Ugh. I don't even have words. Reid was by far my favorite contestant on the show EVER and why Jillian broke his heart a SECOND time, when he came back to propose, I'll never know. Especially when we all knew a life with Ed was not promising. As he made VERY clear to us on Season 3 of Bachelor Pad...

8) I mean, yay Jason and Molly. But I also need the record to show that I thought DeAnna and Jason were PERFECT. I don't know what's going on in this picture, but I won't fight it. Remember when having a kid and being a contestant on the show was a big deal? Cause he didn't tell her until he was in the final five, or something... And seriously, the ONE time in all of Bachelor history EVER that I have cried was on Jason's hometown date, when he saw his son for the first time in weeks. DeAnna cried too. They were meant to be.

9) And finally... The biggest Bachelor FAIL of all time goes to the couple who could have been: Bob and Kelly Jo. To this day, I read spoilers compulsively because when Bob picked Estella instead of Kelly Jo, I was SO infuriated that when the phone rang and it was my good friend Laura Grace, I answered the phone with violent yelling, wondering WHY THE UNIVERSE (Chris Harrison) COULD LET BOB MAKE SUCH AN EGREGIOUS MISTAKE.

....LG was calling to tell me that her dog, Lupe, had been run over that day and was no longer with us.

(If I'd known to whom he proposed, beforehand, this never would have happened.) I told a fifth grader that I baby sit for about the Estella/Kelly Jo debacle and when we were at the grocery store last week, she saw the US Weekly cover with Sean Lowe's face on it, as well as the word "Bachelor," and she pointed to Lindsay and Catherine and said, "Which one is Estella?"

Touchdown.

(I was so impressed by her listening skills and remembering the name 'Estella' that I didn't point out that the whole point of the story was that I was in fifth grade when it happened, just like she is now...)

I also made a Bachelor reference in order to coax her younger brother to learn his multiplication tables, so he wouldn't say "11x11=141" on national television one day...

Spreading the love of Bachelor Nation, one fifth grader at at time... SO THEY WON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES ONE DAY.