I’m speaking a little prematurely here because apparently they’re still in final negotiations, but Mariah Carey is very close to being confirmed as a new judge on American Idol. It only took $17 million to seal the deal! Holy jeepers that is a lot of money to sit at a desk and drink Coke while people mis-perform your songs. So since she’s been out of the spotlight for a little bit starting a family and whatnot, I figured I’d catch you up on everything you need to know to welcome Miss Thang back into the fold.

Apparently she’s mellowed out quite a bit through the years, but she used to be a hardcore diva. There was a rumor when I was growing up that she had a guy on her team who had to provide a hand for her to spit her gum into when she was done with it.

She’s a mom. She gave birth to fraternal twins named Monroe and Morocco in April of 2011.

She had a very public breakdown on TRL that I was completely unaware of until I just watched this YouTube video.

She had a role as a social worker in the Academy Award-nominated movie Precious. And she was actually damn good.

She’s maried to Nick Cannon. I’m still not over how weird that is.

Her song ‘One Sweet Day’ with Boyz II Men still holds the record for most weeks at number one in US chart history.

She’s 42. Yeah, I know, I was surprised as well. For some reason in my brain, she never got older than 35. I don’t know why.

Girl can whistle. Mariah’s one of a very select group of people who has a voice in the ‘whistle register’. Which means she can sing notes that sound like a literal whistle. It’s impressive, but also very off-putting. It makes my vocal chords quiver just listening to it. They know they don’t wanna work that hard.

There you go. Don’t you feel like you know her now? Like you can invite her over for dinner and introduce her to your parents and watch her let American Idol contestants down easy? Great, me too.

1) Mariah is the most successful female singer of ALL-TIME.
Over 200million albums sold worldwide.
She is the best selling female artist in America and Japan (the #1 and #2 biggest music markets in the world)

2) Mariah has the MOST NUMBER ONE songs in history!
18 number one songs, more than Elvis Presley.

3) She is the Greatest Voice of our Generation.
She influenced Beyonce, Adele and all American Idol/X-Factor hopefuls.

Alexis Rhiannon

You’re right, I did forget to mention that she is the Greatest Voice of our Generation. That was very negligent of me.