The surprisingly delightful musings of a humble Virginian whose satiric paeons to a plausible utopia implicitly shame the cynical zeitgeist of our times, causing it to cry, as 'twere, 'Damn, what was I thinking?' or words to that effect.

Author comes clean, admits his membership in the elite organization that runs your world

Yes, I am a member of the Illuminati

I have finally decided to come out. Mom and Dad, are you listening? Cousin Esther? Do you read me, over? (Hey, is this thing working?!)

Yes, I am a member of the Illuminati. There, I've said it! (That's it, come to grips, folks, I've got more to say...)

Print and solve this puzzle by author entitled 'Illuminati THIS'

Yes, I have been a card-carrying member of the puppet masters since 1983, thank you very much. Hey, listen, somebody's got to control you lot. We can't have you rushing about, all full of yourselves, can we? Free will is a risky proposition after all. Better that some eggheads like myself sort things out for you guys and then give you the reassuring belief that you've worked things out for yourself.

Hey, you better believe me, folks, or else. Just one quick phone call to Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen (my fellow Illuminati member in good standing), and I can raise the interest rates on your variable mortgage by a full 2 percentage points. Seriously, I've got Janet and the rest of the Illuminati on speed dial.

My index finger is poised and pointed. Don't make me use it!

Not.

But you know what kills me, folks? All those people researching the Illuminati, looking for these conspirators on their laptops and iPhones. Talk about purblind.

I mean, hello: Google is a multi-billion-dollar corporation that controls what you read, hear and see by virtue of its search engine monopoly. And yet you're scratching your head, wondering what's the identity of the puppet master? How much more of a puppet master do you want?

For, to paraphrase Lord Acton:

Monopoly corrupts; absolute monopoly corrupts absolutely.

That's why I'm not waiting for Trump's gelded SEC to rein in these well-heeled cronies, I'm boycotting them personally wherever I can.

Say, that's smart of me. Maybe I really AM a member of the Illuminati. But if not, no worries. I've found a website where I can secure an Illuminati membership for as little as $2.50 a month! We puppet masters aren't misers, but that doesn't mean we don't recognize a good deal when we see one!

But while the world is actually run by mundane forces such as corporate monopolies, make no mistake: Illuminati membership has its privileges.

According to this very accurate-looking website here, all puppet masters get 10% off any Starbuck's purchases in excess of $5.00! (Hey, those savings add up!) You also get 25% off all magazine subscriptions (limit three mags per customer, though: rats!). And most major hotel chains give you a free night for every two nights booked (plus, you get the ego boost every time you get to show your Illuminati card to the mere mortal behind the reservation counter). And check this out: new members are automatically registered in a drawing for a 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee (contest ends December 2017, void where prohibited by law).

The Straw Man always had a brain: all he needed was a diploma. In fact, Ray Bolger could have gone on to join the Illumnati itself, had he been a trifle more ambitious: all he needed was these socks. Don't leave home without 'em, folks. If they're checking IDs at the door of the Bilderberg Group, no worries, just knowingly arch your right eyebrow and pull up your trouser legs in order to confirm to the brainiac bouncer that you're the real intelligent McCoy!