The Conquests of Tinder

Let’s continue on this journey; So last we left off, its January and I take on Tinder. As I’ve been gearing up to write about this I realized that I’m still friendly with 3 out of the 4 guys I’ve dated and am friends with them on social media so I won’t be using their names, although if they read this they will definitely know who they are. But it doesn’t matter because this isn’t for them, it’s for me! And I suppose also, for your enjoyment.

So first off, tinder is the worst. I downloaded this app and didn’t realize how much it’s really based on first impressions. I guess I should’ve known it’s primarily for hooking up, is that right?

Do people even read the bios? The first profile I made has like, a huge about me section, and as I used it more, the smaller it got. Now it is a few vague things about me and then a quote from, “The Office”.

It makes me feel kind of skeazy when I use it. Like most of my decisions are based on what the guy looks like, and I truly believe that personality is where it counts. But whatever. Also I feel like when you first get it, you have so many matches, and the longer you use it the less you get and the sadder it is. But when I first downloaded it, my phone was so dingy and I felt so good about myself.

So I had been talking to this guy for a little bit and we exchanged phone numbers and we sent pictures of our dogs and so we decided that we should go out. Not because of the dogs, but I’m lying, because of the dogs. We decide that we’re going to meet at this bar near both of us for drinks. Then, the day of he texts me and says that his roommates are actually going to come too and we’re all going to play pool together and I’m like, actually that’ll be great because then maybe I won’t be so awkward. Then he’s like okay you can meet us at our place and we’ll uber over together, and I’m like, great, so this is when I’ll be murdered.

So I take an uber over to their place and I obviously have my knife on me because no one is going to murder me on my watch, and turns out he lives with his best friend and his girlfriend, which is great because now there’s another girl and if nothing else if she tries to murder me, I know I can defend myself against her.

We actually end up having a great time, and then we end up dating for a couple of months and everything’s great until one day we day drink too much, go out to a bar, he’s louder than I have ever been in my life, and he ends up telling the restaurant that he loves me. For some reason, that didn’t scare me away, we keep dating and he meets my parents on St. Patrick’s day. They do not like him. So soon after we stop dating. Womp womp.

Now I take a break from the online dating for a bit until I obviously get bored with having no friends and I decide I’ll give OkCupid a try. I’ve heard good things, one of my best friends met her fiance on it, they obviously liked it, so why the hell not. I make a profile, I answer a ton of questions, I like this more than Tinder. It feels way more real and less appearance based. I start talking to this one guy, he’s real great and real nerdy. Perfect. That’s what I want in a relationship.

We decide to meet up, and we meet at his place. I bring a knife so I don’t get murdered. He’s great and we end up dating for a while. He now meets my parents and my best friends who also met on OkCupid, on my birthday, and for some reason he’s not scared away by this. He does however run to my house for this occasion. Yes I said this correctly; run. Like on his legs, like miles. Why? Because he felt like he hadn’t run enough that week and he needed to train for his tough mudder. Do you want to know what Aubrey never does? You guessed it. It’s run. Because it hurts and it’s horrible and it makes me feel like throwing up and also when you have big boobs, you do not run. It’s science, bitch.

But that’s fine, you do you. But ew. Running.

Anyways. He’s great, although I will tell you now that I have anxiety, dating people is hard for me. Because with this guy I start to have real feelings for him, which is terrifying, which makes me have stomach ulcers. And I don’t think that’s healthy. So before I leave for vacation we chat and decide that this isn’t going to work because I’m moving to Connecticut and long distance doesn’t work great. Womp womp.

–Aubrey’s on vacation for a couple of weeks loving life in Oregon——-

Aubrey gets back from Oregon and needs to pack her life away to move to Connecticut. But what does she also do, go on OkCupid because she’s bored!

So I meet this other guy, he’s great, we go out for drinks. I have my knife on my skirt in case he wants to murder me. I see him twice before I leave. It’s a great connection, it sucks that I’m leaving, he says, well just because you’re moving doesn’t mean we have to end things. Okay, so what does that mean to you? Because to me that means great, we’re going to see if we can make this work. Apparently to him it means keep talking to Aubrey daily and then when she says that he should come visit, he freaks out that this is too much because he’s never dated anyone longer than a month or two and this is too much… Womp womp.

So here’s where I swear off dating for the time being.

Then I got bored and re-downloaded Tinder.

Now we are somewhat in the current time of my life. I meet this guy and he’s great. Real cute, lots of tattoos, has a picture of his cat in his profile. Done. We decide to go out, but then we’re texting and he says, “I could use a drink tonight after work”, and we both love Jameson, I have two bottles at my apartment.

So he comes over to my apartment.

I have my knife in case he wants to murder me. He doesn’t and we have a great time, we hang out a bunch more. I meet some of his friends, they’re great. His cats are real cute. Done.

Then one night he has me over and he makes dinner. Adorable. I’m pretty sure it was the best chicken I’ve ever eaten. Literally I’m not joking. We have a great time. Then I go to use his bathroom, I look down and in the garbage is a feminine pad and it’s definitely not mine. I instantly get nauseous, say I’m real tired and that I have to leave. I then sob the whole car ride home. I’m sure that there is a rational explanation to this, but in that moment I just couldn’t deal. When you start to really like someone and then you realize that there is a possibility that they either don’t feel the same way, or may be “dating” other people, your head kind of gets real floofy.

And like, when did this “being exclusive” thing start? I feel like when I started first dating people that wasn’t a thing. You went out a couple of times, you both really liked each other, boom, you’re dating each other. And that was it. Now everything’s this convoluted bullshit of what are we? Are you seeing other people? Are we exclusive? Blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhh. I don’t like it.

So here’s the fun thing about this then, just like that, I have no idea what we are. I haven’t seen him in over a week but we talk every day, I mean text. Millenials don’t know how to call people, obviously. But I really like him, so I guess we’ll see what happens. One time, he said “relationship”, so that’s a thing. And he’s read my other two posts, and texted me asking if I was going to talk about him in this blog, and here we are!

Dating is real weird guys! I don’t even know how to do this. I’m literally making it up as I go. But what I do know is to trust my gut. Always. While life can be lonely at times, it’s much more important to me to be true to myself. I shared a video of me screach-crying over a picture of a mini horse and I got a lot of responses from friends over-joyed at my response because it is a very true depiction of who I really am. This last guy that I’ve been talking about said in response to it, ” Lol so dramatic.” And for a second there, I started re-thinking everything that I was.

Was I too dramatic? What kind of impression am I giving off in the world? And then my new best friend, possible husband, and fellow Graduate Assistant looked at me and said, “Absolutely not. You are my favorite person. I showed this video to Trevor (her person she is very fond of), and he said, “she is a pure human. Keep her.””

— UPDATE: Kimberly read this, texted me, and said, “Why am I the husband? Let’s both be the wives, boys are useless.” And I agree. So please re-read that last paragraph as, “new best friend, possible wife, and fellow Graduate Assistant…”—-

And right then and there I immediately straightened myself out and said damn straight! I am fucking dramatic. And I do cry laugh at mini horses. And that’s just who I am. And if you don’t like it, then guess what, you don’t have to date me. You don’t even have to like me. Because one thing is for sure, the thing that I’ve learned throughout this whole new chapter of my life. I don’t give a fuck if you like me. I never have, and I never will. Do you think it’s dramatic that I walk into the fine arts building with a viking hat and light saber? Guess what? I DON’T CARE. Because I did that! 2010 baby! And I’ll do it again, any time, any day.

I will do things in spite of you, whoever you are. If you tell me that you don’t like a certain word? Guess what? I’m going to say that word in every sentence that I ever speak to you. Always.