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Topic: The Peculiar "Stalking" (Read 8326 times)

My husband has an ex-girlfriend who is, by all accounts, a "nice" but unstable person with a tendency to stalk. We have friends in common because all three of us attended the same school and church system, though I am 8 years younger than my husband and she is 8 years younger than I am. When my husband and I first started dating, it was clear that she was facebook stalking me through "likes" and comments on mutual friends' photos of me. She also had a tendency to "show up" places where my then boyfriend was, and several times I noticed her lurking outside my house. I had several mutual friends mention to me that she was asking them about me, repeatedly and enough that it caused them to mention it to me. Just weird stuff.

I am a member of a facebook group that is a subgroup for one of my gyms. It is an open group, but there is no reason anyone who is not a member of my gym would have reason to know it exists or want to be involved.....unless they are stalking me and my public activity on facebook. Guess who joined that facebook subgroup, the only person in the group who is not a member at my gym: (oh the suspense!!!!!!!) The ex-GF!!!!!

Obviously I am not going to do anything about this, but I am just itching to "like" that she joined the group or somehow let her know I know what she is doing. As far as I can tell, she is not "friends" with anyone in the group so I can't think of any real way she would even know about it.

The question: is what she did poor techno-quette or is it "okay" becauase it is a public/open facebook group?

It's an open facebook group so there is no way to prevent her from joining. Why don't you block her and update your privacy settings? This way she has less ability to see all of the things you are doing.

Also, stalkers aren't nice people. They are people who rely on other people being too nice to call them on their behavior to get away with things

Is there some "valid" reason for her to be outside your house? Do you live in a very walkable neighborhood where she could say she just happened to be at the bar/cafe/shop across the street from you, or is this a strictly houses neighborhood and she was lurking around? That'd be freaking creepy. How did she even know where you lived?

You should be able to leave your FB activity wide open without worrying about it but obviously that's not happening. I'm with PastryGoddess in that I'd lock down my security settings so that everything I post is available to friends only (sounds like you're on friends-of-friends or public). I'd also block her so that, as far as she can tell, you disappear from FB altogether.

I think it's a mistake to let her know that you know what she's up to.

Stalkers thrive on drama, and any contact with their subject, good or bad, means that you're "in the game" with them, which is just what they want. Contact is like oxygen to a stalker.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I agree. If it were me, I'd block her. If you react in any way, she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make it look like you're the one creating drama. She can't get any satisfaction if she can't see your activity at all.

My husband has an ex-girlfriend who is, by all accounts, a "nice" but unstable person with a tendency to stalk. We have friends in common because all three of us attended the same school and church system, though I am 8 years younger than my husband and she is 8 years younger than I am. When my husband and I first started dating, it was clear that she was facebook stalking me through "likes" and comments on mutual friends' photos of me. She also had a tendency to "show up" places where my then boyfriend was, and several times I noticed her lurking outside my house. I had several mutual friends mention to me that she was asking them about me, repeatedly and enough that it caused them to mention it to me. Just weird stuff.

The question: is what she did poor techno-quette or is it "okay" becauase it is a public/open facebook group?

Snort.

Yeah, no, that's totally cool. What's the matter with you? She just wants to know everything about you! You should totes friend her and gush about your love life.

If you're actually asking, "Do I have a right to feel uneasy about what she's doing?" the answer is yes. While it is not "rude" to join a Facebook group that's open to the public, it is bizarre to do so when you have no connection to the group other than the spouse of your ex-lover is a member. Showing up both IRL and online in places that she should not be expected is classic stalking, and your response must be based on the fact that a mentally stable person would not be doing this.

As tempting as it is, don't "like" her on FB. Treat her as if she were invisible. She has a grand fantasy in her mind about how this is going to play out (one that likely involves tons of drama, with her as Cinderella), and if you pay her any overt attention, that will feed the fantasy and keep it alive. If you act as if she's not there, she may get bored eventually and move on to a new target.

Logged

My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

If you're actually asking, "Do I have a right to feel uneasy about what she's doing?" the answer is yes. While it is not "rude" to join a Facebook group that's open to the public, it is bizarre to do so when you have no connection to the group other than the spouse of your ex-lover is a member. Showing up both IRL and online in places that she should not be expected is classic stalking, and your response must be based on the fact that a mentally stable person would not be doing this.

As tempting as it is, don't "like" her on FB. Treat her as if she were invisible. She has a grand fantasy in her mind about how this is going to play out (one that likely involves tons of drama, with her as Cinderella), and if you pay her any overt attention, that will feed the fantasy and keep it alive. If you act as if she's not there, she may get bored eventually and move on to a new target.

POD! To the Enth Degree!

This sounds so much like what my husband’s ex did. Nothing totally out there, but just enough contact to squik. me. out. I’m not on Facebook so she couldn’t stalk me there. However, she moved into an apartment around the corner from our house (she’s since been evicted); she applied twice for a job at my office; she seeks out my friends and spews garbage about her past “relati0nship” with both my husband and myself; she even approached my husband at a festival, clutching a handful of pictures “she wanted him to have” that were taken when they went on a road trip together, 16 years ago, before he and I met! I honestly had my MOH at our wedding keep his eyes peeled as I was convinced she’d try to find a way in.

I can’t really comment on the etiquette of the OP’s stalker joining a public FB group, since, as I mentioned, I’m not on FB. I would guess it’s not rude of her to have joined that group, but it is absolutely creepy. I whole-heartedly agree with those who say – “block, block, block”! To me, that would be the digital version of a real-life “ignore, ignore, ignore”! Which is what I do with my husbands ex. If I see her, I look away. If she starts to approach, I physically leave. If she ever actually finds a way to speak to me again, I will coldly and politely say, “Please leave me alone.”

I too think this exits etiquette (what's polite) and has entered freakyville (creepy, weird and in some cases stalkerish and illegal behaviour)Block block block. There is no reason for this person who you do not have a relationship with to know anything about you or your activities. Don't engage. Just block.The time to engage is when she is hanging out in front of your home. But even then, you don't engage. You call the police to engage. She asks your friends about you? You don't engage but then neither should they. It's not their place to talk about you to this person either. Teach them to bean dip! Or a simple "I don't want to discuss Turtledove with you. Beandip?"

If that went wayyyyy past what I should be replying on an etiquette forum, apologies Admins, please delete as appropriate.

In terms of techno-quette - open groups can be joined by anyone who wants to regardless of their relevance. Is it weird if she's not connected to the gym? sure!