My excitement over the Conservatives' manifesto…

… is no doubt as great as yours. I can imagine that few of you will be able to sleep a wink tonight as you excitedly contemplate Dave Cameron's commitment to reducing carbon emissions by 80 per cent by 2050 and his promise that Britain will NEVER enter the euro.

Here are a few more proposals in a similar vein from the 28,000 word manifesto which really caught my eye and made me want to send out excitable Louise-Bagshawe-type Tweets enthusing about the bright new future Britain will soon be enjoying TOGETHER.

1. White cliffs of Dover guaranteed never to be painted black (not even tasteful Farrow & Ball Clunch or Dimity, whatever the demands from Brussels) under a Conservative administration.

2. Carbon dioxide to be abolished altogether by 2130.

3. Illegal immigrants to be given an extremely stern talking to and repatriated under a tough new "21 strikes and you're out" rule.

4. 50p upper band tax rate to be reduced to 49.5p no later than the beginning of the Tories' third term in office.

5. A new NHS holiday day to be introduced into calendar for nationwide celebrations of the NHS.

6. Bankers to be put in stocks once a month and pelted by attractive young black women who have never before voted Conservative but who recognise that this is a necessary corrective if Broken Britain is to be healed.

7. Britain's £200-billion-plus structural deficit to be eradicated by 2014 using green technologies as yet undeveloped but when they appear they're going to make us a fortune, just you see.

8. Morecambe and Wise to be regenerated using DNA extracted from their bones and given a new show to be broadcast every weekend so that the entire nation will be united in mirth just like in the good old days.

9. All children between 4 and 17 encouraged to join Young Alinsky Pioneer (TM) units where they will participate every weekend in synchronised swimming, marching, flag waving and singing songs in celebration of the Dear Leader.