I keep choosing the wrong men

I’m in turmoil. I discovered yesterday that my married lover has been advertising for other women on the Internet. It hurts as I’ve become...

Question

I discovered yesterday that my married lover has been advertising for other women on the Internet.

It hurts as I’ve become emotionally involved with him. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. He’s been married for 30 years but never had an affair until he met me.

I’m divorced and have a high sex drive, he said his wife isn’t interested in sex and is prudish. There were even times when he said he couldn’t keep up with me sexually (we’re the same age), so it hurts to know that he’s looking elsewhere, even though he still wants to continue seeing me. I think his behaviour has something to do with him turning 50 this year - what do you think?

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I need to break out of this pattern of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable. He is the latest in a sequence of men in my life, including my ex-husband who fit that category.

I got married very young to get away from a cold, strict father, but the man I chose as my husband ended up sexually abusing our daughter.

Following our divorce 11 years ago I've had relationships with several married men. I always get emotionally involved with these men, and when things come crashing down to the ground, as they inevitably do, I feel devastated until the next time I let my heart rule my head and press the self-destruct button again.

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It’s not that I don’t want to find a single man, because I do, but single men of my age are thin on the ground.

I’ve joined dating agencies before and been on several dates with single men but not found anyone suitable. I go out regularly with friends to places where I hope to meet someone, but never do.

What do you suggest?

Answer

David writes:

From my male point of view, I think that this guy is enthusiastically playing around - as many men do - and that you should now dump him.

You are clearly right in thinking that you are one of that large group of women who always seem to pick unavailable “wrong 'uns”.

You need to break this pattern. Let's see what Christine advises.

Christine adds:

I do agree that you would probably be better off without your current lover. For a start, I doubt very much if he is telling you the whole truth about the past 30 years and about you being his first affair. But the most important thing is what this is all doing to you.

My best suggestion is that you give up men for six months and concentrate on finding your own happiness within yourself during that time. To do that, I think you need to work on your self-esteem. To get you started, I suggest that you do the self-esteem test. Depending upon your results, you will then be given some advice to follow.

I also suggest that you make an appointment with a Relate counsellor. Although Relate mostly see couples, they are happy to see single people and to help them with their relationship problems. I honestly think this would do you a power of good.

At the moment, I suspect that you are putting out signals that suggest to people that you don't respect or like yourself very much - and this will mean that you'll tend to attract people who are not particularly nice or decent, and who will be delighted to walk all over you. If you can change how you feel about yourself, you will attract completely different people.

But don't think about that just at present - think about you! When you've devoted some special time to yourself - and you're feeling more confident and more choosy - I suggest you go on to one of the reputable on-line dating agency sites where you will find people of all ages.

Be kind to yourself. It's long overdue. And when you really value yourself everything else in your life will fall into place.

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