Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) is one of the funniest characters on TV. He's brought us the Bracket, the Hot/Crazy scale, the ... Show More »

Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) is one of the funniest characters on TV. He's brought us the Bracket, the Hot/Crazy scale, the Bro Code and the Lemon Law. What has he been up to on season five of "How I Met Your Mother?" Come with us to see the top Barney quotes thus far...

Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple! The rules for girls are the same as the rules for ... Show More »

Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple! The rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.

Ted: Gremlins?

Barney: Gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. In other words, dont let her take a shower at your place. Number two: Keep them away from sunlight, i.e. don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over, and you dont have breakfast with her. Ever. « Less

3/11

'Robin 101':

"This is just me, but I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin... Show More »

"This is just me, but I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!" « Less

4/11

'The Sexless Innkeeper':

Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweatpants?

Barney: Maybe. But they're Armani!

5/11

'The Sexless Innkeeper':

"Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, wh... Show More »

"Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk? ... Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy." « Less

6/11

'The Sexless Innkeeper':

"Twas the night before New Yearsand the weather grew mean.It was three in the morningand I was stranded in Qu... Show More »

"Twas the night before New Yearsand the weather grew mean.It was three in the morningand I was stranded in Queens!

"I muffled a screamand threw up in my mouth.I asked, Where do you live?and she said, One block south.

"I swallowed my prideand six shots of whiskeyand prayed to the godsthat she wasnt too frisky.

"Back in her caveshe prepared us a snackneath her mighty hoovesthe floorboards did crack.

"But when she returnedshe found a sound sleeperand thus she becamethe sexless innkeeper.« Less

7/11

'Duel Citizenship':

[about the Canadian $5 bill] "There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun ... Show More »

[about the Canadian $5 bill] "There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!" « Less

8/11

'Duel Citizenship':

"Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, ... Show More »

"Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean -- which you probably don't -- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless." « Less

9/11

'Bagpipes':

"Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you'r... Show More »

"Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. And Robin, I'm gonna need you in some sort of a crouching position in the bear-skinned rug of our skiing chalet. Ready? Great!" « Less

10/11

'The Rough Patch':

"Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you are now in possession of my... Show More »

"Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: Either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating 'Weekend at Bernie's' -- I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request -- please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!" « Less

11/11

'The Playbook':

Barney: That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your... Show More »

Barney: That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.

Marshall: MILSWANCAs?

Ted: Wait, I can get this ... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again.