WWE - Ian Clark's Rockin New Year's Eve 2013 (Raw Recap)

Date: 12/30

7:00 PM

Views: 890

Final Raw of 2013! Big Show in a diaper! Royal Rumble! Exclamation Points!

Press F5 or Refresh for more updates, join us in the Angrymarks Chat, and be sure to join us after the show for Raw Reaction on the Angrymarks Podcast Network, with guest hosts the bossman himself sans the Bossman heat Stevie J and yours truly.

Raw begins with CM Punk hitting the ring.

"I am fired up to be here tonight, and I am fired up to be in Richmond, Virginia! This is the last Raw of 2013, end of a year, right around the corner the beginning of a new one and I'm excited! 2013 saw a lot of good stuff happen to CM Punk. Saw a lot of bad stuff happen to CM Punk too, just like all of you, ups and downs, but we still go into work every day with a smile on our faces. Well, sometimes I don't have a smile on my face, but that's neither here nor there. I began 2013 as the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years, I went one on one with the Great One, thank you. I went toe to toe with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. I made some friends in 2013, I lost some friends in 2013, I then beat said friend to within an inch of his life with a kendo stick, cough cough, Paul Heyman. I think it's fair to say 2013 wasn't the best year for CM Punk. I mean, the goal is always to do better than the year before, and I don't think 2013 was the year of CM Punk. There are three guys who I honestly think can lay claim to 2013 as being their year, and I'm talking about The Shield. Let's face facts, ladies and gentlemen, in 2013 The Shield have been unstoppable, Dean Ambrose your current United States Champion, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns the former tag team champions, so I have a proposition for The Shield, iron sharpens iron, so when our paths cross tonight, and I know they will, because let's face it, we all know they're here--"

The Shield play to Punk's point and hit the ring.

Ambrose: "Finish your thought, Punk! Finish your thought, what were you going to say? What was your challenge? It better be a good one. You better give us a good reason not to end 2013 for you right now."

Punk: "Cool down. Look, the three of you can beat any one man, I think we've established that over the past 365 days. I don't want to take anything away from you as a unit. But when I said iron sharpens iron... I live to be the best. And I want to fight the best, one on one. So I want to know who it's going to be, because out of the three of you, one of you is the best."

Ambrose: "Oh, you wanna do this again? Well okay, but this time I promise I'm not leaving this ring without taking a piece of you with me."

Punk: "Hang on. Dean, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins. I've already beaten you, like, half a dozen times. And I'm not saying it was easy--"

Ambrose: "Oh, you think this is funny! You think I'm a joke?"

Punk: "I don't think you're a joke, Dean Ambrose! I just think you're the weak link, and I want to find out who the strong one is. Everyone says Roman Reigns, Roman Reigns, look at me when I'm talking to you! Everyone is always talking about Roman Reigns."

Rollins: "You want to find out who the best is? You're looking at him. I'll face you tonight."

Punk: "Oh, is it you? Because I only ever hear anyone talking about Roman Reigns."

Rollins and Reigns start to argue off-mic, Rollins assures Reigns he wasn't saying he was better than him, just that he wants to face Punk more.

Brad Maddox: "Please. As the General Manager of Monday Night Raw and on behalf of The Authority, I'd like to wish everyone a happy New Year! And speaking of wishing, why don't we start? CM Punk, you will face Seth Rollins! So why don't we get a referee out here because that match starts right now."

Match One: CM Punk vs. Seth Rollins

Punk with a side headlock, shoulder tackle, GTS blocked, commercial.

Back on the air, Rollins punches Punk, Punk with a shove, Rollins with more punches, stomps in the corner, whip, reversed, Punk with a kick, double underhook suplex backbreaker, Rollins with an elbow, whip, Punk floats over, crucifix headlock in the ropes, breaks at 5, Rollins with a judo throw, stomp, another stomp, inner thigh attack, recliner, punch, punch to the small of the back, another, whip, Punk with a forearm, then more forearms, whip, reversed, Punk goes for a rollup, botches it, rollup for two, Rollins with a clothesline, recliner, chinlock, Punk back suplexes his way out, Rollins charges, Punk catches him with a boot, goes up top, Rollins shoves him off the top rope to the floor, commercial.

Back on the air, Punk with headbutts, whip in the corner, misses a shoulder tackle, Rollins tosses Punk into the ring post, covers for two, climbs to the second rope, misses a leg drop, Punk with a punch, heel kick, two clotheslines, neckbreaker fakeout, GTS, blocked, Rollins goes for a sunset flip, reversed into a rollup for two, Punk with a knee, whip to the corner, high knee countered into a powerbomb to the corner for two, Rollins with punches to the back of the head, misses a stomp, connects with a leaping spin kick to the head, Rollins goes for a GTS, Punk reverses into a running knee, clothesline, goes for an elbow drop, Rollins gets out of the way, Punk hops down, Rollins with a drop toehold into the second turnbuckle, goes up top, Punk crotches him, superplex blocked, Rollins with an exploder suplex, top rope crossbody reversed into the Anaconda Vice, other members of The Shield distract, Rollins goes for a reverse suplex, reversed into a GTS, blocked, Rollins hits a reverse suplex cutter, covers, The Shield still have the referee's attention, Punk tosses Rollins onto The Shield, Rollins goes for a springboard... we never find out what because Punk catches him with a GTS for three.

Winner: CM Punk

Backstage, Brad Maddox is discussing plans for the Intercontinental Championship match, The Authority walk in, Maddox says he's going to step up, Daniel Bryan says he wants Bray Wyatt, Maddox makes what I think is a gauntlet match against all three members of the Wyatt family, although he might be suggesting Bryan take on all three members at seperate times, with each match being conditional on winning the one before it. Stephanie is impressed, then goes off to announce the main event for Royal Rumble.

After a commercial, Stephanie McMahon hits the ramp. "On behalf of my husband and the entire McMahon family, I would like to wish everyone a happy New Year. Now the end of the year is a time for reflection, a time to ask what we would change and the answer this year is... nothing. Because this year we crowned one unified champion. So instead of looking back at what we would have done differently, let's celebrate the career of the face of the WWE, Randy Orton."

A video package airs of Randy Orton's career in retrospect.

Stephanie: "What an amazing career. I mean, Randy Orton deserves every single accolade. But Randy Orton is a fighting champion, and at the Royal Rumble, Randy Orton will be defending the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a traditional championship match, no stipulations, no interference, victory by pinfall or submission only, against the challenger, John Cena."

After this announcement, Michael Cole confirms that Bryan vs. The Wyatts is a gauntlet match, but I think not one where the matches are back to back.

Backstage, HHH congratulates Stephanie on her announcement, then says he has one of his own that will eclipse it.

Match Two: Curtis "Motherfucking" Axel vs. Dolph Ziggler

Axel with a kick, punch, whip, back body drop blocked, Ziggler with a dropkick, whip, reversed, Ziggler lands on the floor, Axel follows, tosses Ziggler to the apron, rolls him back in the ring, covers for two, elbow drop, another, a third, forearm face wash, whip, dropkick for two, chinlock, Ziggler to his feet, punches his way out, Axel with a kick, whip, reversed, Axel hits the turnbuckle hard, hits the ground, avalanche, ten-punch, neckbreaker, whip, reversed, Axel misses a clothesline, Ziggler with a crossbody, Zig Zag blocked, Axel with a rollup, reversed into a rollup for two, Ziggler goes for a leaping DDT, blocked, Axel with a neckbreaker for two, punches, slaps to the back of the head, Axel pauses to look around, Ziggler with a Zig Zag for three.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Strange ending, but I think that may have actually been Curtis Axel's best match.

They give an official championship match introduction. Very high profile.

Lockup, break, lockup, Fandango with a side headlock, E whips his way out, shoulder tackle for one, rear waistlock, transitions to an amateur throw for one, rollup for one, another cover for one, Fandango with a boot, chop, trading punches, E gets the better of it, whip, Fandango with a boot, spin kick for two, chop, headbutt, another headbutt, punch to the back, punch, Langston with a shoulder tackle, then another in the corner, whip, shoulder tackle, Big Ending blocked, Fandango bails, E with a clothesline, tosses Fandango into the barricade, rolls him into the ring, Fandango with a trip, Langston lands on Fandango's knee, Fandango with stomps, tosses Langston's leg into the apron, stomps, more stomps, punch, Indian Deathlock, Langston's shoulders hit the mat for one, hold still locked in, repeat, Langston punches his way out, goes for a shoulder tackle, Fandango tosses him into the ring post, Langston falls out of the ring, commercial.

Back on, Fandango with an elbow drop to the knee, then another, stomp, wrenches the face in the corner, trading punches, Fandango with a European uppercut, clothesline, back to the Indian Deathlock, two one-counts occur this time, E punches his way out, Fandango transitions to a chinlock, Langston tosses Fandango to the corner, dual clotheslines, Fandango with headbutts, Langston tosses him to the apron, then belly-to-bellys him back in the ring, Fandango with a kick to the leg, tornado DDT for two, goes to the top rope, leg drop, Langston rolls out of the ring, Fandango follows, kicks him in the leg, rolls him back in the ring, hits a boot, Langston with a bear hug, overhead belly to belly, clothesline, another, splash, calls for the Big Ending, connects for three.

Winner: Big E. Langston

After a commercial, Booker T comes out with a large portion of the roster all dressed in party garb. He promises a New Year's Spinnaroonie. Bad News Barrett then comes out, complete with podium rising from the ground.

"Can we have some decorum, please? Booker, we're not going to end the year with a spinnaroonie, because New Year's is supposed to be about realizing new dreams and opportunities. Well, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. 2014 isn't going to bring the end of government corruption or natural disasters. 2014 is just going to bring us one step closer to the apocalypse. You're going to keep stabbing each other in the back to get a bigger paycheque, so you can have a bigger flatscreen TV than your neighbours. And all of you out here. You're going to continue poisoning the environment, then putting your grubby hands out asking for donations when Mother Nature bites back and takes your homes away from all of you. And then, of course, everybody's going to continue following the latest trends rather than acknowledging the poverty, debt and destruction that surrounds us all. And while that's going on, Bad News Barrett is going to still be here to remind us all about it. Happy New Year, everybody!"

Backstage, Renee Young interviews Damien Sandow about his match against an opponent TBD by fan vote. Sandow says that he's been disrespected and humiliated all year, and if he can't win tonight, he quits.

Match Four: Damien Sandow vs. The Great Khali

Sandow with a punch, stomp to the gut, misses a punch, Khali with a chop to the head, throws Sandow to the corner, chop, another in the opposite corner, headbutt, powerbomb blocked, Sandow with a shoulder tackle to the gut, drops Khali's throat across the top rope, Khali with an elbow, Sandow with a dropkick to the leg, stomps, elbow drops to the knee, stomps to the knee, drops on the knee, the crowd starts chanting for Sandow, cover for two, elbow drop to the knee, wrenches the leg, Khali punches his way out, Sandow with a kick to the head, knee drop, another knee drop, elbow, cover for two, stomps to the knee, wrenches the leg again, elbows the knee as well, Khali chops his way out, Sandow with punches, stomp, DDT to the leg, wrenches the leg, elbows, Khali chops his way out, Sandow with punches, stomp, Elbow of Disdain for two, Khali with a chop, to his feet, boot in the corner, clothesline, another clothesline, calls for the finish, Sandow begs off, Khali locks the vice grip, Sandow drops him into the top turnbuckle, rollup for three.

Winner: Damien Sandow

I personally concur with Sandow's entrance theme.

Match Five: R-Truth vs. Brodus Clay

Clay with a shove, tosses Truth to the corner, punches, misses a clothesline, Truth with a punch, Clay with a shove, misses a clothesline, Truth with punches, Clay with a clothesline, punch to the chest, one to the back, headbutt, stomp, punches, stands on the back, knee to the back, punch, t-bone suplex, gutwrench powerbomb blocked, Clay clotheslines Truth in the corner, punches, whip, Truth sells hard, springboard banzai drop, punch, Canadian Backbreaker submission, drops Truth down, elbow drop for two, Clay tosses Truth to the corner, splash, another, Xavier Woods with a distraction, The Funkadactyls hit the entranceway and they all dance, Clay charges, Truth with a boot, What's Up from the second rope for three.

Winner: R-Truth

The Funkadactyls dance with Truth and Woods after the match.

After a commercial, HHH hits the ring for his announcement. "Under the Authority, 2013 was an epic year. But I guarantee you, 2014 will be unlike anything you have ever seen before. So with that in mind, please help me welcome this man back to the WWE.

BROCK FUCKING LESNAR'S MUSIC HITS! Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman.

Lesnar stares down HHH, who just grins and offers a hand, which Lesnar shakes.

Heyman: "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and as you can clearly see, the beast is back! Now, in this age of transparency, my client has authorized me to inform you of his mission statement here in WWE: My client Brock Lesnar is not here to settle old scores, you fight Brock Lesnar, you lose to Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar forgets about you. Nor is Brock Lesnar an instrument of revenge for those who have done wrong to me. I have a forgiving heart, I put those beatings in the past, and besides, this isn't about me, this is about my client, Brock Lesnar. So here it is, why is Brock Lesnar here in WWE? Here's what's best for business: My client, Brock Lesnar, hereby declares his desire to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And what that means for John Cena and Randy Orton is that whoever emerges from their match at the Royal Rumble pay per view for the WWE World Heavyweight Champion is that whoever wins is ultimately the loser, because they will have to face the challenge of the self-proclaimed #1 Contender, Brock Lesnar."

"You see, I don't really care whether it's Randy Orton or John Cena. As far as I'm concerned, there ain't nobody in this company or this building that can stop me, Brock Lesnar. You see, I don't have to win a Royal Rumble to be deserving enough for a championship match. I don't have to stand in some mysterious line for a title shot. As far as I'm concerned, that line starts right behind me for a title shot. And I dare anybody to come down here to try and do something about that."

"Well we might as well say goodnight right now because we won't find anybody man enough to accept that challenge, because my client is like a t-shirt: Eat, sleep, conquer, repeat. What Brock Lesnar wants, Brock Lesnar takes, and what's for the taking is the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, when it goes on the line and the champion defends against Brock Lesnar!"

Mark Henry hits the ramp. He mocks Brock's jumping taunt, then heads toward the ring. Lesnar charges Henry as he's entering the ring, knees him in the head. Henry punches Lesnar, then tosses him over the barricade, follows, Lesnar spears Henry through the barricade, lets out a war cry, F5 on the floor. Heyman talks Lesnar down from doing further damage, then they leave.

Match Six: Total Divas vs. Not Total Divas

Eva Marie and Kaitlyn start off, Kaitlyn with a rear waistlock, Eva elbows her way out, Kaitlyn with a clothesline, stomps, whip, backbreaker for two, whip, Eva with a punch, slap, tags in Cameron aggressively, Kaitlyn with a rollup for two, whip, Alicia Fox tags her way in, Cameron with a hurricanrana, punches, whip, reversed, Cameron goes for another hurricanrana, Fox just throws her to the mat for two, tosses Cameron to the corner, Summer Rae in, foot choke, Rosa Mendes in with stomps, Aksana in, big toss, cover for two, chinlock, throw down, stomp, kick, cover for one, chinlock, dear fuck Aksana sucks, Cameron with a jaw breaker, tags in Nikki Bella, who hits what almost looks like an STO, clothesline, dropkick, clothesline, Torture Rack, all-out brawl breaks out, Nikki and Aksana are the only ones left standing, Nikki with an elbow, gets swarmed by the not-Total Divas, Aksana tosses her to the mat, does... something or other with her elbow, sort of weird Eye of the Hurricane type thing, covers for three.

Winners: The Not-Total Divas

Well that match sucked.

And now a Tribute to the Troops summary package.

Backstage, Brad Maddox apologizes to The Authority for the finish to Khali vs. Sandow (one of Khali's shoulders was up) but promises he's taken care of it. He promises all the best are going to be there for next week's Old-School Raw. He hints at Ric Flair.

Main Event Part 1: Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper

The Wyatt Family will get a shot at the tag team championships on Smackdown.

Lockup, Harper with punches in the corner, whip, misses a clothesline, Bryan with a forearm, more forearms, kicks in the corner, whip, reversed, Bryan with a dropkick to the leg, kicks, Harper with a kick, Bryan with a kick, twists the leg in the ropes, punch, kick, punch, running dropkick, Harper with a stomp, Bryan with more kicks, dragon screw, surfboard stretch, transitions to a surfboard dragon sleeper, Harper forces a break, Bryan with kicks and punches in the corner, Harper with a punch, stomp, chop, another, a third, face wash, Bryan with punches, kicks, Harper with a chop, then another chop, Bryan with punches, Harper with a tackle, stomps to the face in the ropes, guillotine catapult, gator roll, side headlock, Bryan punches his way out, Harper with a punch to the gut, punches in the corner, whip, charges, Bryan with a drop toehold, running dropkick, goes for another, Harper catches him and hits a body slam for two, commercial.

Back on the air, Harper has Bryan in a chinlock, Bryan elbows his way out, Harper with a punch, whip, Bryan floats over, clothesline, Harper charges, Bryan pulls down the top rope, Harper falls, Bryan with a suicide dive, then another, roundhouse kicks, rolls Harper back in the ring, goes to the top rope, missile dropkick, kip up, roundhouse kicks, misses the last one, pivots, connects with the other leg for two, kicks in the corner, sets Harper up for a superplex, goes for a super hurricanrana, reversed into a powerbomb for two, Harper with a forearm, chop, slap, stomp, goes for another slap, Bryan catches it, punches, Harper with a dragonplex for two, Bryan locks in the Yes Lock, Harper breaks the hold, boot to the head, European uppercut, chops, punches, German suplex, Bryan lands on his feet, running knee for three.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

Main Event Part Two: Daniel Bryan vs. Erick Rowan

Rowan with a clothesline from behind, stomp, ref calls for a break, formally begins the match, Rowan tosses Bryan out of the ring, follows, whips him into the steps, tosses him across the announce table, commercial.

Back on the air, Rowan has Daniel Bryan in that double fist submission thing that he does, Bryan with punches, Rowan with a flapjack for two, headbutt, elbow, punch, another punch, sets Bryan up prone in the top rope, chops, super fallaway slam, Bryan with a rollup for three.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

Rowan with stomps after the bell, Harper calls Rowan off.

Main Event Part Three: Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt

Wyatt slowly makes his way into the ring. He charges, then stops short and laughs as the ref calls for the bell to formally begin the match. Only then do Harper and Rowan charge the ring and attack Bryan.

Winner by Disqualification: Daniel Bryan

They toss him out of the ring, then into the barricade, then into the barricade again, then back into the ring, Harper tosses Rowan into Bryan, then comes after Bryan with a clothesline of his own. Rowan hits a chokeslam.

Wyatt: "I'm afraid, Bryan, this is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could have been different, it could have been better, it could have been perfect! This is your fault, I want you to open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end."

Bryan: "You're right."

Wyatt: "Say it again."

Bryan: "You're right."

Wyatt hands Bryan the microphone.

Bryan: "You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted 'Yes' in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the family."

Wyatt extends a hand to Bryan, then slowly retracts it. Bryan uses Wyatt to pull himself up, then opens his arms to Wyatt, who responds with Sister Abigail. He then takes Bryan's hand and assures him that this is going to change everything. Harper and Rowan drag Bryan off, then release him to walk on his own, which he does, walking off with the rest of the Wyatt family, then pausing for only a second as the crowd collectively plead with him not to go. Bryan starts to seethe as the crowd chant his name, but then ultimately walks off with Bray as Raw goes off the air.