Penn Satire, Since 1899

Things You Could Steal from Van Pelt

Ever wondered what you might be able to get past the Van Pelt security guards? Then continue reading freshman guest columnist, Sheida Takmil’s, expose below.

We all know the drill – the obligatory bag check before leaving Van Pelt. But you must’ve noticed by now that the security guards’ definition of a bag check is really just a nonexistent glance in your general direction and a friendzone-worthy “thanks honey.” None of them actually care what you’ve got in that sketchy little bag of yours. So you could hypothetically leave the library with a bag heavier than when you entered, if you know what I mean… (knowledge. Leave with a bag heavy full of knowledge). But seriously, with that in mind… what exactly could we steal from the library without the security guards noticing?