Seeing how no one appears to have voted on it since the author modified the sub after criticism, I decided to take a look at it.

It's sort of an interesting idea, or a potentially interesting idea: a fuel source that does not expire. You light it, it stays lit until it's put out, presumably forever. I doubt that's the first time someone's come up with that, but it has potential as an interesting object.

The alchemical story is a little odd. It basically is an artificial cap on why there's only a few of these things around. That could be a good thing, but it's not very well written.

So overall, a sub-par submission. Could have been fixed with a more vivid story, or some more details on its operation and usage, but lacking that, I give it a 2.5/5. Go to Comment

I think far too much has been dumped on what at its heart is a very simple idea.

A magical pilot-light.

And yes, Alchemy is absolutely a magical discipline - as much as Astrology relates to Astronomy. Alchemy is tied very much historically to the occult and the religious. The metals known at the time all aligned with the stars, the Zodiac played prominently, and looking for immortality and transformation not allowed by physics (at least without atomic process) all mark it as magic.

Its a good idea , but the restrictions on it simply don't hold well. Doing something as simple as requiring the heart of some rare creature would have sufficed.

All I have to say echos what has all ready been said. Why would these students attack? If the fire cannot grow, then how can it go beyond the spark-on-wood stage? And so on. A way to fix the how the fire grows would be to have a small spherical stone you put into the fire when it's where you want it. And maybe, to keep it from sustaining forest fires and forges, perhaps give it an area of effect. At least, that's what I would do.

Another comment I would like to make is how it works. Alchemy is the process of creating something without magic, with a completely natural process. I don't see how something without a healthy dose of magic could sustain a fire.

First of all to Pariah, the teeth would look weird if the wear filed down and this vampire is quite set on his goals. I never heard of a rule that Vampires cannot ingest food and there is no reason for it and I just don't like the idea so i'm keeping it out.

Their mother and pretty much all the vampires would know about Diacon and Pama being related and I thinks thats reason enough. Thanks anyway Go to Comment

Necromancer, A couple of things...
First, make sure to link members to their organizations, so put 2165 (Order of Restraint) in all of these. Keep linking the land of undead in the free-text.

Second: This post follows the rules of punctuation, capitalizaion, and spelling, better than your first one. Might I suggest you run your posts through a word processor with spell and grammar check before you post? It will help your writing be clearer.

Third: The flow of your story description is a little halting. Okay, a lot halting.

Might I suggest you outline your posts, determining what is important and has to be includes vs additional fluff, before you post. By setting the points up ahead of time, you can put them in an order that makes more sense... you can then "fill it in" as you write.

Forth: Related to above, Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject.To be complete, your post needs to answer; "Who is involved?", "What is happening (and where and when)?" and "How and why things occur?". If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?

Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).

Fifth: The Gold Standard
If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.

If your item/ npc/ plot/ setting is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.

This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right. Go to Comment

Just so you know, The Order of Restraint ( http://www.strolen.com/content.php?node=2165 ) has been moved to your 'work space', It needs significant updating to meet the standards of the site. You have done a good job working on the improvements on this one, (though it could use some more). I assume you will turn your attention to the Order of Restraint soon. Go to Comment

Moon's advice is sound, and it helps for everyone to read it, no matter how long we've been here. Never hurts to brush up on the basics as it were. Now, it's time for me to add my two cents on the matter.

Vampire basics - how is that Diacon can eat, as common usage vampires cannot ingest food, and certainly couldn't gain weight. Pama is mentioned as the daughter of the Vampire Queen, can vampires reproduce, or was she born prior to the vampire queen becoming one of the undead? Basically, how dead are your vampires? On a side note, how prevalent are vampires in Torin?

Diacon is interesting in that he has infiltraited human society to the point of becoming a fat, supple, soft court functionary. What is there about him that sets him apart from the others of the court, and from the other ranks of vampiredom? Go to Comment

My own half cent. Instead of tearing his teeth out forcible how about just filing them down? It causes a tad less pain and he wouldn't have to fool around with weird dentures.

And what do you mean vampires have morals? I know quite a few humans who wouldn't be adverse to marrying their sister (if no-one besides them knew they wee related) if it would give them even a little bit more power. It's not like they would hold each other to he whole 'no cheating on me' deal in this case because it would be a marriage of convience/power games instead of love. Go to Comment

This is a pretty good idea! Clean up your capitalization and flesh out the description better and you will have something ready to submit. I suggest giving us a list of at least a half dozen starters to get us going.

No common swear words at all though. Anybody should be able to make up a fantasy word to take the place of any real curse. Go to Comment

Ahh, you have included the ways to deal with their blood addiction. Much better; now I can infer what are your assumptions (sorry, but it is needed if this has to be adapted).

1. An important pre-requisite! But note that many times vampires are _defined_ as critically depending on blood for their very survival. If blood is just the fuel to more power, then it is possible to break free of its hold.

2. Ummmm... hmmm. I would think most people were told, even taught at some moment in their lives that there are things which are wrong to do and constitute crimes. If this was ever so, why isn't crime practically non-existant today?

Don't take me wrong, with a strong education coupled to a good ideology many could be persuaded, but definitely not all. Even without evil intent, most will be tempted, and get into tempting situations. Also, especially if they are (individually) stronger than ordinary people, they will likely play with the thought of giving it a try. Some will try.

Even without evil intent (and there will be such people/vampires too), people will fall to their base desires. There will likely be repeated cases of vampires returning to the addiction, or children falling to it.

3. As with drug addictions, it will work for some... for some it may not.

4.,5. Okey.

6. Now, if there are vampires in the world, they have to survive in some way, too. Perhaps just state that most of them die because they are unfit for the 'jungle' outside of the peaceful village.

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As a side note, their method of procreation, and possibly of curing the addiction does require some blood... where do they get it from? Willing spenders? Bought for hard cash from willing vagabonds? Or they drain criminals for serious crimes?

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All in all, it is obvious you are trying to make a big cliche working, which is heartening. Still, it will take some work until it is functional. Go to Comment

These are five good tips for those who want to produce better items, npcs, lifeforms, locations, plots, and such.

First: Review!
Review the top rated posts of the category you want to post it. If you want to do an item, click into items, then the highest rated (in red) and it will give you a list of the best items. Read the first ten or so.

Second: Effort!
Put some thought into your post. Take your time putting the post into print. Taking time to do a post right shows you care not only about your audience and yourself, but you care about the thing you are posting about. If you aren't spending a minimum of 15 to 30 minutes on the post, it will probably be abused and low rated. Most of us spend 45 to 60 minutes on a post. Remember, you will spend more time actually thinking about your post before you put it up, if you want to do it right.

Remember that you can edit your post, so if you find something wrong, go back and fix it.

Third: Check it!
I really mean it. Go through your posts. Make sure it follows the basic rules of grammar . Sentences start with capital letters, end with punctuation, and have everything moderately correct in between. Extra lines should be inserted between paragraphs (and there should be paragraphs). I can not stress the next part more that simply scream, "Spell check!". If you can, copy (from web site) and paste (into word processor) your post into a WP with spell check. Run the spell check (and the grammar check if it has it). Copy and paste it back. If you do this, it will automatically improve your post by one point (on average). If we can simply and easily read your post, we can start critiquing it rather than your awful spelling.

If English is not your primary language, let us know. However, be warned that many of our best posters have English as a second, third, or even fourth language. So all we ask is that you continue to work at it, to get it right. http://www.strolen.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1559

Fourth: Completeness!
Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject. You should strive for items that are generic, rather than dependent on a specific setting or campaign. While being vague can help make the item more "generic", you need to "imply" the answers. (For example: while my game might not have Rykor the BloodSlayer, I can figure out an approximate match "The most dreaded demon riding Dark Knight in history.") Implied answers act as guidelines for the GM/ Player adapting the post.

To be complete, your post needs to answer; "Who is involved?", "What is happening (and where and when)?" and "How and why things occur?". If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?

Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).

Fifth: The Gold Standard
If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.

If your item/ npc/ plot/ setting is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.

This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right. Go to Comment

I will not vote as this is still in the development phase. I will, however, give you a few pieces of advice:

1. After each full stop you must, I repeat: MUST, use capitalization. Capital letters improve the readability of your text tenfold.

2. This idea is better than I expected when I noticed it was about vampires. You try to move away from the cliche and we salute that. It does need more work however.

3. Okay, so they are an organization of peaceful vampires... But... How do they sate their thirst for blood? According to fantasy and litterature custom vampires are predators and humans are their prey: How do they suppress their predatorial instincts? Are these the Dalai Lama and Buddhist versions of vampires? (Do they do this for some intellectual ideal? Out of fear for the mentioned hunters and slayers? (And if so, are they like caged beasts, full of contempt and hate, but restrained by their need for caution))

4. How did the order come to be? Who founded it? Do they have a set of ideals? Is it a hierarchical organization, or do they have a flat structure? Do they perform any other services? (Like: do they serve in a special branch of the King's personal guard, or do they survive through pick pocketing or burglary?)

Just some questions to get you going. I hope you take the time to answer these, I would appreciate it. Go to Comment

METHODS OF RESTRAINT:
1. The drinking of blood is like a natural craving and is not needed to survive. Blood is drink to feed the power of necromancy inside them.

2. Also the reason that normal vampires drink blood is because it is morally accepted. They stop their compulsion by simply being taught that it is wrong and a crime.

3. Then they just spend time under guard long enough to realise that they do not need blood to survive and overcome the addiction. Soon they lose all their necromanic powers and a lot of their strenght to become in essence the equivalent to strong humans.

4. sometimes tests are given for vampires with bad history to make sure they can withstond the compulsion.

5. other methods such as drinking less and less a day are used.

6. violation of these rules are punishable by exile without the protection of the order they soon die. Go to Comment