Horoscopes: November 2016

October 30, 2016

Hello to you, person is who is curious about your November fortune. I took October off from blogging. Not even intentionally, I just had other stuff to write and was doing a bit of extra curricular learning. Life admin can also be a bitch. Anyway, I foresee more blogging for myself in the coming month and this is what is definitely going to happen to you:

AriesMarch 21 – April 19
You will wear interesting shoes and everyone will want to talk about them, take shoefies with you and generally follow you about all day.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will wear a badge / brooch type doodacky and accidentally prick yourself in the tit. You will squeal in public.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
Someone will ask you for a lock of your hair, like it’s 1827 or something, and you will comply. Unfortunately you will cut off a little too much by accident. Your new look will be edgy and haphazard.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
A bee will chase you around public transport. You will be all “IT’S NOVEMBER WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING” but it will inspire you to write a children’s book about the situation. Riches await you after publication.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your donkey will run away. Confused because you don’t have a donkey? Well, you’ll get a donkey. And it will run away.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You’ve had just about enough of 2016 and it’s bullshit. You will buy yourself and pitchfork and chase the assorted cockwombles around with it. You will attract an angry mob of followers to join you.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will have a great idea for a documentary on areolas. You will make it your life’s work (for the month at least) to see this idea come to fruition.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will walk to the bus stop. Some one has left one of those punching clowns there. You know, one of those big inflatable clowns that pop back up when you knock them over. This is your new exercise regime. You’re gonna be fierce.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will climb on top of your beloved and they will grimace. There will be tears. You will blow a snot bubble in their face. Then you will laugh and it will all be ok again.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will order the chocolate dessert. You will order a second one. You will choose chocolate over sex for the foreseeable future and even start travelling with your own can of whipped cream and tubes of chocolate frosting. Just filling your mouth up with cream every 30 seconds like some kind of animal. People will envy your don’t-give-a-fuck chocolate coated lifestyle.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The person who is a less cool version of you will continue to piss you off. Sorry.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will discover that you have a very glittery bottom. How long has it been this way? God knows. But somehow, at some point of time, there was glitter in your life and a rather large quantity of it attached itself to your posterior.