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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble

IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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October 08, 2008

Is South Park a Statement on the Bengals?

Tonight, the 13th season of South Park continues on Comedy Central at
10:00 p.m. If that doesn’t rock your face off, I’m not sure that we
can be friends. Hey, it’s not like we didn’t try, right?

Even if you are a fan, you may not have noticed the startling
resemblances between some of our favorite (or most hated) Bengal
figures and the characters on South Park. So, in honor of the debut,
I’ve decided to show my fellow revolutionaries these similarities.

Carson Palmer - Stan Marsh. Good natured, smart, and funny. He’s the
popular kid in school that still finds a way to make everyone like
him. A disturbing tendency to feel the pressure in big spots (Carson
down the stretch in ‘06, Stan when talking to Wendy).

TJ Houshmandzadeh - Kyle Broflovski. The rock of both teams. You literally can’t imagine either side without these two, as they’ve become so important to each. Oh wait, maybe you can (full disclosure: I’m against giving TJ big time money.).

Chad Johnson - Eric Cartman. For better or worse, these guys are the face of the franchise for most ill informed outsiders. Both seem harmless until you step back and realize what the hell it is they’re actually saying. Terrifyingly stupid. Like Mr. Johnson, Eric Cartmenez recently gave himself a Latin surname.

Levi Jones - Chef. There was a time when you couldn’t think of either franchise without thinking of these two. Now one has been killed off and the other offends my eye sockets every Sunday.

Robert Geathers - Kenny McCormick. Despite an enormous amount of screen time for both, they are rarely heard from. Those rare occasions are almost always flashes of brilliance, but you get the feeling neither will ever gain a true starring role.

Marvin Lewis - The Succubus. Like Marvin and Bengal fans, the relationship between Chef and the Succubus got off to a great start. At the end, all she wants to do is take Chef’s soul and suck the joy out of everything. However, we can’t sing a song in reverse and get rid of Marvin. Oh, how I’ve tried.

Chris Henry - Woodland Christmas Critters. On the surface, they should be loved by all. Henry is as talented as the critters are cute. Down below, both have a darker side which masks their true talents. (Note: I don’t think they are at all like Chris Henry. I just needed a reason to include them. They raped Kurt Russell for God’s sake. How awesome is that?)

Odell Thurman - Kenny’s dad. One is a redneck alcoholic from the
sticks who does a lot of meth and beats women. The other is a cartoon
character.

Bob Bratkowski - Officer Barbrady. Wikipedia describes Barbady as a, “…police officer who is extremely incompetent at what he does and is generally a bumbling oaf…” Replace police officer with offensive coordinator, and don’t you have Brat to a T?

You see... I always thought Chad was more like Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo... You're guaranteed one good episode/game a season complete with a funny little song and dance, but other than that, he's just gonna smear sh*t all over the place and fu*k everything up.