Someone needs to turn off my access to the interweb. My Vegas plan is officially out of control. There is no way that I can do all this stuff in two and a half days. I think R and I are going to have to split up and report back. Hang on a sec: I have to go find our walkie talkies so we can do that. He’ll go kidnap the dolphin while I distract the security guard.

Here’s what I’m packing in addition to the walkies: a cowboy hat, socks and a jumpsuit. Also, maybe, some jeans. Maybe. That’s it. Experience tells me that I cannot win at packing for Vegas, so if you can’t win, you might as well go down hard, right?

Other recent additions to the itinerary:

The Liberace Museum. If I can’t find some Vegas kitsch at the Liberace Museum, I’m giving up. I need a snowglobe. And a cloak. With sequins. And maybe another piano.

The Pinball Museum. This place looks like it sucks but I am nothing if not a fan of the single-minded obsession, so you gotta support the troops, right? Right. Pinball Museum, here we come.

The Gun Store. You would think they’d made their point by naming themselves The Gun Store, but no, there’s more! You can rent a machine gun! And by “rent” I assume they mean, “borrow one of ours for a few minutes in a controlled environment.” While that must be a disappointment to all the second amendment nutters, I intend to take full advantage of the constrained circumstances. If I can justify the $100 fee. Which maybe I can’t. But it makes me feel warm/frightened inside to know that this place is out there waiting for me.

The Graceland Chapel. I’ve always said I wanted to get married at a drive-thru, coin-operated Elvis Chapel and even though they’re missing two out of three, they do have (an) Elvis. And they’ll webcast your ceremony, which is an excellent application of corporate technology if you ask me. And, last but not least, they provide that long-elusive definition for “free standing” (as in “free standing chapel”) in their Frequently Asked Questions, so “Whew!” on that, right?

(I was wondering why that question was in the #2 slot on their FAQ, but then I remembered it’s Vegas and being able to stand on your own without support is more of an achievement there. I guess.)

Hello!

I'm Emma, displaced New Yorker, not-quite-fitting-in San Franciscan, writer, mother of one couldn't-ask-for-better little kid, and wife-like partner. I post where life and peculiarity collide. Come on in: the water's fun!