Written by Jude Terror on Monday, January 28 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Tags:

With the opening of new division Comixology Europe, the digital comics retailer advances its plans for world domination.

Source: Press Release

In a move that shocked the world, Comixology today announced the opening of a campaign to take over the entire continent of Europe. Beginning with an office in France, Comixology has set up shop in the old world to launch Comixology Europe, a division of the company that will acquire international language material and use it to further the company's goal of complete world domination.

"We want to learn from history," said CEO David Steinberger in a fictitious quote. "Napoleon, Hitler, Voldemort... we have spent a lot of time analyzing why these otherwise competent individuals failed to conquer Europe, and we're trying to avoid their mistakes. For instance, we've decided not to throw all of our resources at invading Russia. That never seems to work out well."

Indeed, digital comics company Graphic.ly was forced to abandon its hopes of competing with Comixology and iVerse in the digital comics marketplace after 350,000 of its top executives were killed or injured while attempting to convince Russian peasants, armed with pitchforks and slingshots, to install the Graphic.ly app on their smartphones.

"We are proud people," said one peasant, beaming with pride. "Just as Russian people survive freezing cold winter by distilling vodka from own urine, so shall we break the backs of capitalist interlopers who try to sell us filthy digital comic books."

"Russians don't want to read digital comics," said a source inside the Kremlin who agreed to help us continue a useless tangent in this article in exchange for anonymity. "They are only interested in reading extremely boring and joyless 1500 page novels by reknowned authors, such as Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment, Tolstoy's War and Peace, and Yakov Smirnoff's Couch Sits on You: An Autobiography."

Luckily, Comixology is hoping for a different approach, one that attempts to make love, not war.

"My darleeeng," said Vice President in charge of Comixology Europe, Pepé le Pew, "it is destiny that brought Comixology and the country of France together to sell ze digital comic books. We shall stoke ze fires of love and make beautiful music together."

He then attempted to force himself upon us, which we found highly inappropriate for a business interview. "Mwah mwah mwah mwah!" said the skunk, showering us with unwanted kisses as he violated what we're sure must be multiple sexual harassment laws, even in France.

We tried to press charges, but the judge dismissed them, citing the fact that we had accidentally leaned against a freshly painted white wall earlier in the day while eating some very smelly cheese, which apparently sent the wrong signals to Mr. le Pew.

"You'd be surprised how often this happens in France," the judge told us.

So, while the road ahead of them is paved with the blood of their forerunners, Comixology is poised with a unique opportunity to find success in Europe, and perhaps American customers can benefit as well through increased availability of European comic books, which, as far as we can tell, consist entirely of pornography.

"We like to fuck," said notable European Queen Elizabeth.

Here's the press release:

ComiXology Begins International Push With Opening Of ComiXology Europe

Office to Open in Paris

ComiXology to exhibit at this weeks’ Angoulême International Comics Festival

Janurary 28th, 2013 – Paris, France / New York, NY – Today comiXology, the revolutionary digital comics platform that recently surpassed 100 million downloads of comic books and graphic novels worldwide, announced the formation of “comiXology Europe”, a division of the company that will be spearheading the acquisition of international language content across the European continent. ComiXology Europe will be headquartered in Paris, France.

With its English language catalog content, comiXology charts as iTunes’ top grossing book app in France and several other European countries including Germany, Italy, and Spain as well as the U.K. The company plans to offer local European language content to build upon its existing international business, which is already a significant driver of revenue for the company.

ComiXology’s opening of an office in Paris as its headquarters for European expansion is no surprise, as France has one of the most vibrant markets for graphic novels – called bande dessinées in French – in the world, with an industry that is comparable in size to the U.S. market.

“ComiXology has already proven to be enormously popular with consumers in many countries around the world – and that’s just in English,” said comiXology co-founder and CEO David Steinberger. “With comiXology Europe, comiXology takes the first step in becoming the platform for multi-language graphic literature from all over the world.”

The staff of comiXology Europe will be present alongside a U.S. contingent at this week’s Angoulême International Comics Festival at booth RL 7.

ComiXology was recently in the news when Apple revealed that comiXology’s iPad app ranked #3 in Apple’s Top Ten Grossing list, and was the only app to make the Top Ten list for 2 years consecutively. In October of 2012, comiXology crested 100 million comic and graphic novel downloads with more than 50 million of those happening in 2012 alone – continuing a trajectory of record-shattering growth.

With over 30,000 comics and graphic novels from more than 75 publishers, comiXology offers the widest selection of English language digital comics in the world. ComiXology’s availability across the iPhone, iPad, Android, Kindle Fire, Windows 8 and the Web makes it the best digital platform for newly interested, current and lapsed comic and graphic novel fans worldwide.

European publishers interested in distributing content through comiXology can contact comiXology’s business development team at
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
.

About comiXology
Founded in 2007 with the mission of bringing comics to people everywhere, comiXology has revolutionized the comic book and graphic novel world. With the development of the comiXology digital comics platform – with buy-once, read-anywhere availability across iPhone, iPad, Android, Kindle Fire, Windows 8 and the Web – comiXology provides the easiest way worldwide for people to enjoy comics anywhere they happen to be! Regularly ranking as the top grossing iPad app in the entire iTunes App Store, comiXology is one of the leading drivers of the iPad economy. Providing the most digital comics on the most devices, comiXology will not stop until everyone on the face of the planet has been turned into a comic book fan.

Now, here it is again, this time in French. Try reading this one to your signifcant other next time you're sexing him or her ("My throbbing boner a déjà prouvé son énorme succès auprès des consommateurs de nombreux pays – avec du contenu en anglais!):