German-American Couple Visits the Spanish Island of Mallorca

Pictured: The Hawaii of western Europe.

In April of 2014, my German wife and I flew to Mallorca. Mallorca, (or Majorca) is an island off the southeastern coast of Spain, known condescendingly as “Malla.” It is a warm, beautiful and relatively close vacation destination where western European people — particularly highschool and college students on spring break — go to sing, dance and flirt with alcohol poisoning. If you say the word Mallorca to a German person, chances are exactly 2 things will pop into his or her head:

El Arenal, the district where all of the beer drinkin’ and titty swingin’ happens.

But Mallorca isn’t just an STD riddled playground for Europe’s shameless youth; you’ll see a lot of middle aged and retired people there too — just wandering around, snapping pictures with cameras from the 1980s and relaxing in tapas bars as they seek some momentary escape from the hollow footfalls of death’s relentless pursuit.

And although we did visit the El Arenal party district once, my wife and I mostly stayed in and around the capital city of Palma. In Palma we saw the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma (more commonly referred to as La Seu), walked up to the Castell de Bellver (or Bellver Castle), and even rode the historical train to Port de Sóller. We had an awesome time, and I took a whole lot of pictures to show you, my faithful readers. Please click one of the images below to start the slideshow. We hope you can dig it!

We started the trip off with a quick snack at SichtBar in the Hannover airport. For some reason, I found it amusing they have Ben & Jerry’s ice cream all the way over here in Germany.

Here is my wife pointing to the city of Palma on our travel map. Southeast of Palma (right under my wife’s ring finger), you’ll find the area where all the spring breakers go.

This is the view you’ll see as you depart Hannover. (Or, if you’re afraid of flying like me, you’ll see your cold, white knuckles strangling the armrests.

Here’s a terrible picture for you! I included it because it’s the only one I have which shows the actual island moving into view.

Another Photo of the Year candidate! (Note: that hazy stuff is not frost on the window or a storm approaching. It’s just condensation. I hope.)

Here’s the Palma de Mallorca Airport, also known as Palma Son Sant Joan Airport. First thought upon arrival: “Why is everything in Spanish? Oh… right.”

Here’s our taxi driver from the airport. The fare read 15 Euros when we were almost to our rental apartment. Then it magically jumped up to 20 Euros. “What the hell, Pedro?”

This was our bathroom. Look! An actual bidet! I tried to get my wife to try it, but she refused. I, on the other hand, refused to try it because some guy back in college once told me, “Bidets are for girls.”

There’s the ocean! Just sneak past those stalled cars and dodge a few pickpockets and you’re practically there!

Ah yes, the Mediterranean Sea. It may look warm, but in April it will freeze your grapes right to the vine.

Here’s a street near Palma. Look how I walked into traffic, risking life and limb, just for you, Dear Reader.

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel totally comfortable around palm trees. I think it’s because I grew up in Oregon. When I see a palm tree, I know I’m only on vacation, and my joy must inevitably come to an end.

Check it out! Tapas! Tapas are basically just Spanish appetizers designed to make you so fat you can’t get out the door. You just stay in the restaurant until it’s time for the next meal!

Here’s our first sunset. We still couldn’t believe it was sunlight we were feeling on our skin, rather than the cold, gray damp of a German spring.

“Look honey! It’s only April and I’m going for a dip in the ocea–HOLY TAPDANCING CHRIST THAT IS COLD.”

An upholstered chair washed up on the dock well within view of every tourist on the way to Palma. They keep things real classy here on the island.

Look at all the beautiful boats. And look at all that oil and gasoline in the water. Gorgeous.

Women can go topless on the beaches of Mallorca. I think they’re supposed to keep their bottoms on though, and sadly, dudes aren’t allowed to flash their beans at all.

Here’s a sign on the way up to the Cathedral of Santa Maria of Palma, also known as La Seu. Apparently, we also could have gone to a theater or a synagogue. Oy vey!

Look at that awesome street. Doesn’t it just make you want to jump into an Aston Martin and haul ass away from bad guys while you spill a shaken martini all down your front?

These are the recycling bins in Palma. I think they look like little hostages. “Now, look into the camera and renounce the infidels, Gunter!”

When you get close, you can see the recycle bins actually look more like those Sony dancing robots.

The Wife and I stumbled into this little secret garden. Only it wasn’t a secret at all. It was totally open to the public. (It’s still ours, though.)

Lemon trees, yo! I wanted to pick that little bitch, but then I remembered how much it sucks when you bite into a lemon. Seriously, what are lemons good for except making lemonade and dodging scurvy?

Here’s an up-close shot of the Cathedral. It was pretty sweet. Look how blue that sky is! Almost makes me sad to look out the window here in Germany and see only gray. Gray, with hints of darker gray and a general hue of hopelessness.

This is the view from the Cathedral overlooking a big pool of water and a fountain. I’m sure it has some fancy name, but I never bothered to learn it. I was too busy reapplying sunscreen to my hideous, corpse-white skin.

Here’s a horse! His name is Virgil, I just decided. Virgil pulls lazy tourists around all day and deliberately farts in their faces. It is his one true joy.

There’s the facade of the Cathedral. Pretty fancy, huh? And not a spot of dirt to be seen. I guess the Spaniards like to keep this sumbitch CLEAN.

There’s the Cathedral from the opposite side of the pool. Except for those two nerds on the left, it looks sorta lifeless, doesn’t it?

Aaaand here’s the fancy church again. I promise this is the last picture of it.

Here are some boats and further down, in the middle, you can see a yacht. We saw a lot of yachts on Mallorca, and I bet every single one of them was owned by an asshole with a small pecker. (Or a greedy woman with sagger tits).

As we were biking home, we stopped at this bar for some ice-cold beverages and found these two shutter jockeys doing a photo shoot with a cosmopolitan.

It got COLD at night, man, lemme tell ya. If you were foolish enough to be riding your bike at night, with the wind coming off the ocean and everything, your junk would wrinkle up like a baby’s fist.

Apparently, this is how all the cool kids park their bikes on the beach. (You could also make a sweet-ass fort if you took two bikes and draped a towel across them.)

The bike lane may appear to be wide enough, but it absolutely isn’t. I felt like I was going to smack handlebars with every bike going in the opposing direction. “Look out you assholes! Oh Jesus–” *RING RING*

Look! A pirate ship! (My wife loved this one.)

Every time I see a yacht, I just want to find the guy who owns it and kick him right in the hemorrhoids.

This bar sucked. Look at those weak little tapas. The waiter should have warned us we were only ordering enough food to feed one of the Olsen Twins.

Even on Mallorca, they have Kinder Surprise eggs. Here, they call ’em Kinder Sopresa. (And I can even figure out what that means, because I took 3 years of Spanish in high school.)

This is the day we decided to bike to Palma and see Bellver Castle. Little did we know there would be a lot of stairs involved, so we had to leave our bikes behind. Chaining them to this sign was my wife’s idea. We were still absolutely convinced they would be stolen or towed away by the time we got back.

These are the steps leading to the castle. As we were huffing and puffing our way up, two assholes in short-shorts jogged right on past us, ascending the staircase like it was fun.

This is the view of Palma from a little rest area beside the steps. My wife and I took this as an opportunity to crack a couple cold ones.

That is my wife’s foot. I took this picture right after she accidentally kicked her own beer off the wall — which I politely retrieved for her, like a gentleman.

Is it just me, or is the man in the crosswalk sign absolutely rocking his way across the street?

Here are our tickets to Bellver Castle, also known as Castell de Bellver. I can’t remember how much they cost, but I’m sure I complained about it audibly.

This is my wife and I playing Heckmeck. We love this game; it’s quick, easy and requires no skill at all. A functional understanding of probability will only hamper your success. No, what you need to win is a real “fuck it” sort of attitude.

This was when I decided to start cramming sea shells between my wife’s toes.

Look! Tiny little piglet hats!

I think these legs were hanging in a Lidl grocery store. (The Lidl stores in Germany most definitely do not display their meat in this fashion.)

This is the historical train running between Palma and Port de Sóller. This was our favorite part of the trip!

Joan Miro drew this picture of Bellver Castle when he was 12 years old. Personally, I think he half-assed it.

This is the landscape on the way to Sóller. It was hot, dry and full of dirty citrus trees.

That little building serves as the headquarters for a local drug cartel I just totally made up. The slogan above the door reads: “Lavas mi peine,” which means, “Wash my comb.”

This was the view from the back of the train. We were totally allowed to stand back there without adult supervision.

Here’s another shot out the back door. (Did that sound porno?)

Pictured: The most multilingual sign in the universe. I feel truly welcome.

This is the conductor’s booth in the caboose. I pushed all the buttons and pulled all the levers, but the train simply would not jump the tracks and run off a cliff.

Here is the beautiful little port town of Port de Sóller. I thought this photograph ruled until I noticed the stupid garbage can in the corner.

Here’s another shot of our Mediterranean paradise. Ahhh, can’t you just feel the skin cancer?

There’s our train, just waiting to take us back to Palma. I loved that little guy. I named him, “Nachos Calientes.”

We ordered these coffees so we could drink them on the beach. They were the smallest coffees ever, but it’s funny if you imagine they’re normal sized coffees and my wife’s hand is just enormous.

That’s Joan Miro sitting next to Pablo Picasso in 1969. Just a couple of paint slingers chillin’ in paradise.

Dammit! It’s our last night on Mallorca. These vacations always end too soon. It’s like experiencing life, from birth to death, in 7 days.

Here’s the view as we departed the island. Doesn’t that engine look like it wants to just fall right the hell off?

How do YOU deal with the post-vacation blues after arriving in your home airport? My wife and I go directly to McDonalds, apparently, where we order McRibs and drink beer. (I ate 2 McRibs because I hadn’t eaten fast food in 2 years. This rationale made plenty of sense at the time. YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME.

You really need to enlarge and print those shells-&-toes photos on canvas and frame them to hang together in your gloomy German home. They’d be awesome above your bed! Or maybe smaller framed photos, to place or hang one beside each of your computers. You know, as reminders of your great trip, and to serve as a powerful antidote against the Seasonal Affective Disorder you surely MUST be afflicted with every winter!

Hilarious. I’d type “LOL” but that’s just annoying. A few things: First, I can’t believe you had to wear sunscreen in April. You must be one pastry SOB. I’m American of Irish decent and practically transparent and I don’t even do that ;) P.S. I live on Mallorca. I haven’t noticed the teenagers, so I guess I’ve been lucky enough to avoid their haunts, but I do get bombarded by middled-aged Germans wearing socks and sandals and WAY too many cyclists blocking my way home. We have B&J’s on Mallorca too! I just had some last night for the first time in over a year. I can die happy now. Next time you come you should venture beyond Palma to some of the quaint pueblos (there are lots better than Soller) like Deia or Valldemossa. You missed out. Palma looks just like any other old Euro capital. Whenever I go, I swear I somehow ended up in Barcelona.

There was nothing any good on the TV so i thought I would look at your holiday photos. I was sitting comfortably in my new armchair (the old one was mysteriously lost at sea) with my laptop and two cans of beer to enjoy your post. I must say I found your pictures were absolutely fascinating to say the least (which I do!). Normally I hate looking at holiday photos, unless they are my own, and I must say yours were no exception. I just loved the poor composition and the way you tried to explain what they were. Well, I hope you learned a few things from my comment, and I look forward to seeing next years holiday pictures. Keep up the good work.

As always, great intro, travel book worthy photos due to the oh so titillating captions (piggy hats/ Star Wars references etc.). Love it, love it, love it. As one of those nearing death’s dark alley, I think a visit to Mallorca is in order ( for some tittie swinging, a few drinks and, mostly, the awesome historical stuff and cool beaches….)
PS: I have a JOB now so we will be able to afford travel again. I am working for the National Marrow Donor Program- guess what??!!- they use employees as couriers to transport critical donated stem cells/ marrow all over the world….I am SO looking into that!!!!

Hey, is it just me or did you purposely order tapas that look like goats ‘and steers’ balls? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that the real purpose of a bidet is of course tossing your cookies. That’s also why they are ALWAYS located right next to the toilet, just in case it is coming out both ends. Seriously, there are some aspects of world travel that I could have done without experiencing ;)

I have to admit, when I was there I did see the “Ballermann” from far and knew deep inside of me – I’d NEVER EVER show up there.
But mainly I have visited two veterinarians who do charity work and a few animal shelters… they do need help, that’s why I was there.