One thing I love about this show is that I can always expect Kyle Richards to be not only badly and unfortunately dressed (what is she thinking with all these muumuu-sized sleeves – just wear a kaftan already!), but also grasping for acceptance. Only Kyle would get excited about swinging a Birkin around years after everyone has gotten over them. And yes, it’s a lovely color, and it’s still obviously an extremely expensive bag, but girl, just like we have MOVED ON from Kim Richards drama, we have moved on from Birkin worship. Except Kyle has done neither. We do not need an opening episode that drags Rambles up from the dregs, but apparently Kyle thinks we do.

Actually, my favorite part of the whole episode was Kyle’s chance meeting with Harry Hamlin in the dark canyons surrounding Bel Air, where they both happened to be ‘hiking’ at the same time. Intriguing…coincidence! There near a Joshua Tree (do they even have those in LA) Harry cornered Kyle to hiss at her that Ramble’s Blue Bunnies need to stay out of Lisa Rinna’s Beverly Hills lane.

Kyle was so spooked and unnerved that she never told a soul… until the RHOBH cameras were rolling again! But that too was just a coincidence – she’s had months of intensive therapy for PTSD before she became brave enough to tell her story about Harry Hamlin nightmares haunting her caviar dreams, because you guys: Kyle just wants eeerrrrrrrrybody to get along and for there to be peace on earth and goodwill to flapping lips and former Hollywood hunks.

But let’s back up, I do always get ahead of myself, don’t I? Reacapping a premier episode – there’s just so much excitement to cover. Like all the new looks! Like Erika Jayne‘s opening Disney villain/Maleficent costume. Mirror, Mirror on the wall – who’s the bitchiest of them all?

I love LVP’s tagline. Aces. I also love that her designer heel accidentally knocked a glass of champagne into Kyle’s new Birkin on the private plane, and Kyle’s society wife facade dropped into ‘Big Kathy latenight at the Beverly Hills Hotel’ faster than you could say “I’m sorry” and Kyle stated calling LVP a “bitch” and an “ass” for ruining her precious purse. All LVP did was laugh as Kyle’s electric toothbrush (WTF) was dumped onto the immaculate carpet of this plane, and Dorit Kemsley gingerly picked it up like “girl… wha?”

This season, the ladies are coming with their A-Game that’s for sure. Erika Jayne has blown into a full-blown enterprise and permanently ditched Erika Girardi, attorney’s wife. No more Ms. Polite Lips! She wants everything and she wants all of it now. Preferably in her mouth. Her DSL (Dick Sucking Lips) are open for business whether it be a book, DWTS, any number of embarrassing music videos, or shredding a Housewife with her teeth (without smudging her lipstick). Erika knows she’s made it because SNL parodied her. Tom is supportive, albeit absent, for all of it. Funny – I thought DSL were Lipa’s thing? Is there gonna be a incident over who owns the right to enormous mouths?

Erika other interview look is some sort of double pony-tailed anime Lolita, and um, well it’s not my favorite! It’s not Dorit‘s full Dynasty drag with the giant tousled side-swept bob (SO KILLER) paired with the metallic turtleneck. I couldn’t find a shot of that, sadly.

Dorit has spent the summer in Miami while her home was being renovated. She is amazed by how much her children flourished when she actually spent time with them. Like Jagger, he’s speaking now. Imagine! Parenting – who wouldda thought?! This has inspired Dorit to become friends with other young LA moms.. Like Teddi Mellencamp, whom she knows through a mutual friend. I’m not trying to be mean, but only in LA Housewives does a mid-40’s woman with two toddlers constitute a ‘young mom’.

Dorit, though, anxious to prove she is young and hip for the Mommy & Me Dope Beats-A-Saurus class (conducted in Teddi’s backyard by two guys and a Magic Mike animal puppet), rocks her best Da Brat hair featuring double-braids. It’s not a win for me, but luckily Dorit has a lot of hair ground, and I love that it’s always changing Real Housewives Of Atlanta-style.

Dorit and Teddi hit it off immediately, so naturally she must introduce Teddi to her other friend who is practically a grandmother – LVP. I say this with no shade as LVP is actually begging Pandora to reproduce RIGHT NOW and until then she will adopt all the animals in sight. She’s moved on to horses, and not just minis anymore – full-sized horses, which LVP is riding daily, and traveling with?! Like internationally? We’ve seen her try to get a mini pony on a plane, but an actual horse?

This is actually what Teddi and LVP have in common: Teddi is a former professional equestrian. Now she’s a fitness expert. John Mellencamp is also her dad, but despite growing up in Hilton Head, SC, where none of the homes cost less then $1m, Teddi swears she’s completely down to earth and knows the value of a dollar. And clearly the value of a calorie – did you see her legs? Girl is RIPPED. Teddi has two kids, Cruz, 3, and Slate, 5, and met her husband Edwin as a one-night-stand. She actually thought his name was “Edward” until he became a two-night stand, so now here they are – all names accounted for!

Kyle has also had a busy summer doing her sitcom and taking a break from RHOBH drama, but now she’s ready to jump back in with both Louboutins and a Birkin battering ram. Since Erika, Dorit, and Lipsa all share a birthday week, Kyle decides the perfect way to bring the group back together is with a girls trip to Vegas. When she broaches the subject to LVP, she’s mildly amused by the concept, but agrees to come. Kyle swears she just wants everyone to get along. No one will get in a fight on their birthday in Vegas. No, never that!

While Teddi is trying her dearest to raise down to earth children; Lipsa believes she’s succeeded. Oh Lipsa… may your delusions never leave you. I know I shouldn’t wish the crazies to continue being crazy, but with her I cannot resist. Lipsa’s daughters are now both models signed by IMG, which is her their dream, and she gleefully announces that she is their momager. Big Kathy‘s Big Pun style! Watch it, Kris Jenner because Lipsa is all about that hustle for them, which has given her a reprieve from hustling for herself. So how long before Delilah is doing a Depends commercial too?

Because the girls travel constantly and are always in high-flung locales being told they’re beautiful, Lipsa’s goal is to keep them humble, which is why she has an IV vitamin team she heard about from Yolanda Hadid’s bathrobe come over for mother-daughter infusions. Delilah even gets her “pimp” injected with cortisone, afterwards they’re getting their nails done and then it’s on to another job in NYC. Oh yes, I see ‘down to earth’ written all over their futures. Down to earth like Paris Hilton circa 2005.

Lipsa is pimpmomager-ing, but Dorit is just momming. She’s finally back in her Beverly Hills home and loving the renovations – although truth be told it looks pretty much exactly the same and just as basic. She’s thrilled though and PK is thrilled to be back on camera looking just as much like a poached pear as ever.

Dorit is not thrilled that once again she’ll have to face the demon that is Lipsa. And sooner rather than later because of Kyle’s reunification/Birthday trip to Vegas. Dorit still – rightfully – isn’t over Lisa’s suggestion that people were doing coke in her bathroom at a dinner party. There still hasn’t been an apology, but a private jet is a private jet, and a suite is a suite, and the reality show must go on!

Before the trip, Dorit meets Teddi for a drink and invites LVP. They hit it off like a house on fire, as LVP usually does with the new gals she assesses as ‘useful’ – or at least not ‘useless.’ Dorit is still confused about what’s going on with Erika after panty gate (boy does it burn me up to have to still be writing about this!), and LVP reveals that although she’s reached out to Erika many times, she never receives anything back – not even a text. Erika is too busy being cold as diamonds and just as precious with her DSL time!

Dorit is hoping the Vegas trip will lay any lingering drama to rest. Teddi looks shell-shocked by all the gossip and shady women as she accepts Dorit’s invitation into their lair and agrees to come to Vegas. It turns out Teddi’s birthday is right around the same time. Which means all these ladies are cancers… that’s so ironic. All this cancerous toxicity and gossip invading their lives. So, is LVP gonna bring her horse on that girl’s trip too?

At the Vegas airport, Kyle also pulls Camille Grammer into the fold, and Camille is just as lovely and aloof as ever. To assuage Dorit’s worries about an awkward private jet ride with Lipsa, Kyle reveals that Lisa may be stuck traveling with her daughters and skip the trip, but then right on cue she calls to let everyone know she’ll meet them in Vegas. Did anyone notice the thrill in the air at the promise of drama’s arrival?! (Sarcasm).

Speaking of issues, on the jet, Kyle and Lisa are clicking their heels together during takeoff (this somehow makes turbulence less stressful) and wishing a house would drop on someone’s head, when LVP knocks wine into Kyle’s Birkin. Kyle throws a full-fledged hissy and cries into her bag. Is that a omen for how this trip is gonna go? The plan for Vegas is drinks, clubs, and tipsy shopping. Erika loves tipsy shopping, but Teddi doesn’t like shopping period. A hush descends the group as everyone wonders why this strange interloping alien is in their midst and wonders if it’s rude to point out to her that she’s the wrong species.

Despite there being FOUR birthday girls on the trip, Kyle claims the presidential suite for herself, Camille, and LVP and shoves everyone else in the pedestrian regular suites. Kyle confides to her suite-mates that she’s actually a little anxious about seeing Lipsa, because as part of her therapeutic process for working past that dastardly Harry Hamlin meeting she must confront Lipsa about him. Maybe she can bring the blue bunny to ward off evil? Like as a talisman?

Then there is a knock at the door… it’s Lisa Riiiiiinnnnaaa, of course!