A blog for people who already know grammar, spelling, their Strunk & White and Chicago Manual of Style, etc, etc...but want to be the best writers they can be.
I boil words out of submitted samples to make the writing as tight and clean as possible, without changing content or tone.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Boiling Bridgit Goett

This
week's boiling comes from Bridgit Goett, who I met on the Amazon Breakthrough
Novel Award forums. She's offered up the first 491 words of her novel Miss Bryson Loses Her Hat. It opens with
a lot of dialogue, and rather formal British dialogue at that.

Dialogue
is interesting because we can express an enormous amount about people through
what they say, but we can't write dialogue the way people actually talk. If we
um, like, did that, our prose would like get totally run over by like run-on
sentences and stuff because, um, people just don't talk in a way we want to
read, you know?

Let's
see what we can do with it.

The Original:

Phillip
Charles Phelps-Morton, the Fourth Earl of Kensington, was sitting sprawled
across a leather chair, one leg thrown
carelessly over an arm, and reading the most recent copy of The London Gazette when his valet walked
into the bedchamber—a look of gravity on
his face.

Unconcerned
as his valet always had a look of gravity on his face the Earl glanced up from
his paper and drawled, “My dear Bertram is something the matter?”

“Nothing
that can’t be solved rather easily,” replied the valet, heading straight for
his master’s wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock recently, my lord?”

“I’m
sorry but I haven’t had the time,” joked the Earl.

“Ha-ha,
very funny, sir, but unappreciated at the moment; have you really no idea what
time it is?”

Deciding
to wax philosophical, Phillip leaned his head back against the chair and said, “What
is time really?”

Being
of a more pragmatic bent, the valet replied, “I believe in this instance it
signifies that hour of the day when you’re to get dressed for the evening.”

“Not
one for thinking too deeply about things, are you, Bertram.”

“I’m
thinking it’s getting awfully late if you wish to be ready on time.”

Phillip
sat up straight in the chair. “But that’s the thing, isn’t it? I don’t care if
I’m on time or not. In fact, I’m not sure I even want to go out this evening at
all. I can’t tell you how bored I am with this endless circle of parties and
routs. It’s always so predictable—never
any variation! And always the same people saying and doing it.”

The
valet backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m sorry, sir, what did you say?”

“All
you need to know is that I’m bored.”

“Oh,
is that it? Well, what say we enliven things a bit by putting on your
waistcoat?” The valet waved a garment at the Earl.

“Yes,
a black satin waistcoat is very tiresome, but perfectly suited for the
evening’s festivities.” The valet pulled the garment over the Earl’s shoulders
and buttoned up the front. Then, retrieving a small velvet-lined box he held it
out and said, “Now which set of cuff links would you prefer?”

“Oh,
I suppose those will do,” he said, pointing indifferently at a pair of gold
ones.

“Oh,
no, sir, they’re an excellent choice,” murmured the valet, politely. “If one
were dining at home, alone, with only a kitchen maid for company.”

“I
did say I wanted to stay in for the evening,” dead-panned the Earl.

“And
if you were I’d let you wear the gold ones but since you aren’t might I suggest
these?” The valet removed a ruby-studded link from the box.

The Condensation:

Phillip Charles Phelps-Morton, the Fourth Earl of Kensington, was
sitting sprawled across a leather chair,
one leg thrown carelessly over an arm, and reading the most recent copy of The London Gazette when his valet walked
into the bedchamber—a look of gravity on
his face.

Unconcerned as his valet always had a look of gravity on his face
the Earl glanced up from his paper and drawled, “My dear Bertram is something
the matter?”

"the
Fourth Earl" can lose the "the".

We
can almost always boil "was [verb]ing" down to
"[verb]ed"...but in this case I think we can go a strong step further
by letting "sprawled" stand on its own.

"carelessly"
is, like most adverbs, clutter, as is "thrown".

The
now-condensed sentence can thus lose the "and".

"the
most recent copy of" is unnecessary, because when one reads a newspaper,
it's only notable if it's not the most recent copy. (So "reading last
Tuesday's" would give some characterization, whereas "the most recent
copy of" does not.)

Let's
end the sentence there, and thus boil out "when". "When" is
almost always clutter, because it's a given that any action described happens
at that point in the story.

"a
look of gravity" is the same as "a grave look"...but "on
his face" is clutter, because one doesn't wear a look anywhere else. And
let's lose the emdash in favor of a comma.

The
"always" statement in the second paragraph is a "tell", and
we already have a scene full of "show" that Phillip isn't bent out of
shape by his valet's gravity. We don't want to take the good job of showing and
bash it down with an unnecessary tell—so out it boils.

The
lack of concern is evident, as is the drawl, in the blase irony of his
statement. The words carry both sentiments without our having to state them, so
lets boil them out.

We
can then combine these two paragraphs.

"The
Earl" is Phillip, so let's call him that.

We
already know he's reading the Gazette, so we can boil out "from his
paper".

The
dialogue needs a comma.

Phillip Charles Phelps-Morton, Fourth
Earl of Kensington, sprawled across a leather chair, one leg over an arm,
reading The London Gazette. His valet
walked into the bedchamber, face grave. Phillip glanced up. “My dear Bertram,
is something the matter?”

“Nothing that can’t be solved rather easily,” replied the valet,
heading straight for his master’s wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock
recently, my lord?”

Dialogue
tags are easy to overuse, and in conversations of only two people they're
almost never necessary.

We
know his name is Bertram, so there's no reason to continue calling him
"the valet".

"heading
straight for" = "walked to", but even that's more than we need.

"his
master's" can boil out for two reasons: first, we already know it's
Phillip's bedroom, and second, we already know Phillip is his Earl.

There's
nothing wrong with the adverbs in the dialogue, per se, but almost every chunk
of dialogue here has at least one adverb in it. And while we might talk that
way, it's cumbersome to read. To that end, let's boil out "rather
easily" and "recently".

“Nothing that can’t be solved.” Bertram
opened the wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock, my lord?”

“I’m sorry but I haven’t had the time,” joked the Earl.

We
know it's a joke, and the Earl is the only other person in the conversation, so
boil out the attribution altogether. (I also added a comma.)

“I’m sorry, but I haven’t had the time.”

“Ha-ha, very funny, sir, but unappreciated at the moment; have you
really no idea what time it is?”

We
can boil out either "ha-ha" or "very funny", "at the
moment".

Let's
change the semicolon to a period. The sentence after it reads odd to me, but it
seems to fit the diction of a British valet (in my rather ignorant opinion on the
topic of how a British valet does/should sound), so let's leave it in.

“Very funny, sir, but unappreciated. Have
you really no idea what time it is?”

Deciding to wax philosophical, Phillip leaned his head back against
the chair and said, “What is time
really?”

We
can always boil out cases where we state what someone does, then have them do
it (or vice-versa).

"against
the chair" isn't needed, as we know he's sitting in it.

Lose
the speech attribution, and keep the "really" here because it's a deliberate
echo of Bertram's previous dialogue, but I did add a comma.

Phillip leaned his head back. “What is time, really?”

Being of a more pragmatic bent, the valet replied, “I believe in
this instance it signifies that hour of the day when you’re to get dressed for
the evening.”

“Not one for thinking too deeply about things, are you, Bertram.”

“I’m thinking it’s getting awfully late if you wish to be ready on
time.”

Bertram's
pragmatism is inferable from the rest of the scene, and besides, a pragmatic
valet follows the trope well enough that it doesn't need saying.

We
can boil out a few words here and still keep Bertram's stuffy tone: "I
believe", "signifies", "that hour of the day" can all
go.

The
next two lines can be replaced with a clause in Bertram's first line here.

“In this instance it's when you’re to get
dressed if you're to be on time this evening.”

Phillip sat up straight in the chair. “But that’s the thing, isn’t
it? I don’t care if I’m on time or not. In fact, I’m not sure I even want to go
out this evening at all. I can’t tell you how bored I am with this endless
circle of parties and routs. It’s always so predictable—never
any variation! And always the same people saying and doing it.”

We
know he's in a chair.

The
next six lines of dialogue come close to saying the same thing over and over
again. We could boil them down in near-infinite ways, most of which amount to
taste, so I'm going to use my editor cudgel and boil as I see fit.

Phillip sat up straight. “But I don’t
care if I’m on time. I’m not sure I even want to go out. These endless parties
and routs are so predictable, the
same people saying and doing the same things.”

The valet backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m sorry, sir, what did you
say?”

“All you need to know is that I’m bored.”

"The
valet" = "Bertram".

"All
you need to know is that"...could be argued to be clutter, but we might
make the argument that it characterizes Phillip as bossy and elitist. This is
one of those cases where, were this an edit for real and not my blog, I'd have
to talk the change over with the author to see what was meant. But as it's my
blog and not an edit for real, I'm going to instead assume that what the author
meant to portray here is malaise and not elitism.

Bertram backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m
sorry, sir, what did you say?”

“I’m bored.”

“Oh, is that it? Well, what say we enliven things a bit by putting
on your waistcoat?” The valet waved a garment at the Earl.

We
can again keep Bertram's stuffy tone while boiling out a few things: "is
that it", "Well", and "a bit".

"The
valet" = "Bertram", and "the Earl." = "him."

“Oh? What say we enliven things by
putting on your waistcoat?” Bertram waved a garment at him.

“Yes, a black satin waistcoat is very tiresome, but perfectly suited
for the evening’s festivities.” The valet pulled the garment over the Earl’s
shoulders and buttoned up the front. Then, retrieving a small velvet-lined box
he held it out and said, “Now which set of cuff links would you prefer?”

We
know it's a black satin waistcoat.

"perfectly"
can boil out.

"The
valet" = Bertram, "the Earl's" = "Phillip's".

"Then"
is clutter. As it's the next sentence, sequentiality is implied.

As
"retrieving" is so vague so as to not convey any envisionable
information, we can leave it implied.

Again
we can remove the speech attribution.

We
know cufflinks (one word) come in sets.

Both
characters know the box contains cufflinks, so there's no reason for Bertram to
say it.

“Yes,
very tiresome, but suited for the evening’s festivities.” Bertram pulled the
garment over Phillip's shoulders and buttoned up the front. He held out a small
velvet-lined box. “Sir?”

“Oh, I suppose those will do,” he said, pointing indifferently at a
pair of gold ones.

Now's
the time to mention that they're cufflinks, subsumed into the action.

Let's
get rid of the unintentional rhyme by boiling out, "I suppose".

Boil
out the speech attribution and the adverb.

“Oh, those will do.” He pointed at a pair
of gold cufflinks.

Bertram didn’t say a word—he merely shuddered.

There
is almost never a reason to state that a character didn't do something. And
boil out the adverb.

“Oh, no, sir, they’re an excellent choice,” murmured the valet, politely.
“If one were dining at home, alone, with only a kitchen maid for company.”

Bertram
is the valet, and the sentence is polite on its face, so we don't need to say
so.

"alone"
and "with only a kitchen maid" contradict each other.

“Oh, no, sir, they’re an excellent
choice,” Bertram murmured. “If one were dining at home with only a kitchen maid
for company.”

“I did say I wanted to stay in for the evening,” dead-panned the
Earl.

"did
say" = "said", except that here I think the extra emphasis is a good
thing, so we'll spare it.

We
know it's "for the evening", and it's a dead-pan as written, so we
don't need to say so.

“I did say I wanted to stay in.”

“And if you were I’d let you wear the gold ones but since you aren’t
might I suggest these?” The valet removed a ruby-studded link from the box.

Most
of the first sentence can boil out, unless it's critical that the reader know
that Bertram, while the valet, feels that he has the power to dictate to an
Earl what he can and can't wear. (This is another "talk to the
author" moment).

"The
valet" is Bertram, and as we know the cufflinks are in the box, we can
boil that down.

“And since you aren’t might I suggest
these?” Bertram held up a ruby-studded link.

The Result:

Phillip Charles Phelps-Morton, Fourth
Earl of Kensington, sprawled across a leather chair, one leg over an arm,
reading The London Gazette. His valet
walked into the bedchamber, face grave. Phillip glanced up. “My dear Bertram,
is something the matter?”

“Nothing that can’t be solved.” Bertram
opened the wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock, my lord?”

“I’m sorry, but I haven’t had the time.”

“Very funny, sir, but unappreciated. Have
you really no idea what time it is?”

Phillip leaned his head back. “What is time, really?”

“In this instance it's when you’re to get
dressed if you're to be on time this evening.”

Phillip sat up straight. “But I don’t
care if I’m on time. I’m not sure I even want to go out. These endless parties
and routs are so predictable, the
same people saying and doing the same things.”

Bertram backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m
sorry, sir, what did you say?”

“I’m bored.”

“Oh? What say we enliven things by
putting on your waistcoat?” Bertram waved a garment at him.