Thursday, January 26, 2012

fear and failure

yesterday I had a few minutes between classes, so I hopped on the computer and saw that my dear friend had posted an article from relevant magazine on facebook (clearly my facebook fast is pretty much over).

the article talks about how we, in our 20s and 30s, love to dream. we have big ideas about what we want to do, but do we ever do them? it was kind of a tough read, but tough in a "I needed that" way.

anyway, the article pointed out that the reason we don't take action on our dreams is out of fear. it didn't say laziness, or lack of ambition, but fear. I thought this was interesting, since it seems our generation has been deemed "lazy" by media/society in general. I got to thinking about this and realized the feeling I've been having for about 2 weeks now is just that - darn, annoying, wish-it-would-go-away fear.

I'm in a class right now that is currently making me very fearful. I'm not sure I ever would've classified the feeling as that, but now it makes sense. I leave every class with a strong desire to cry and throw up at the same time. I feel as though I've just sat through a lecture in greek or french or pig-latin (although at least if it was pig-latin, I'd be able to translate).

and I realized the awful feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I have no idea what is going on is rooted in fear.

fear that I am not smart enough.

fear that I will never understand.

fear that I will fail the class.

fear that I am on the wrong track. made the wrong decisions.

fear that I have wasted thousands of dollars and countless of hours.

fear that I've wasted brain power and studying time - energy that I can never get back.

fear that I will have to admit I can't do it.

fear of failure.

I don't know about you, but I really loathe failing. if I'm bad at something, you won't find me taking part in that activity too much. it's as though the failure somehow acts as a large stamp deeming me unworthy. having no value. have you ever read max lucado's you are special? I highly recommend it. it is probably the most profound and touching children's story I have ever read. it talks about this very thing by creating a society of people who award each other stickers that supposedly determine their worth. how silly! we think. but really, how true?

I've heard this whisper in my head this week...you don't understand o chem? what kind of human being are you? you are a failure.

and then today I thought of how God tells us in His word 365 times: do not fear. I've never thought of it in this context. I always thought of it in a "do not fear...when you are driving on snowy roads" or "do not fear... when you are home alone at night and hear a creepy noise" or "do not fear... when you are being chased by lions" (totally a practical example, right?).

I've never thought that maybe I should not fear failure. that maybe I should not fear the uncertainty of chasing a dream. that I should not fear taking action.

He better help me with this, because I think fear just comes naturally to me.

finally, I wanted to share a direct quote from a religion lecture this week:

"anyone who does not believe in Christ is being bamboozled by an unemployed cherubim"

thank you, fundamentals of seventh day adventists class, for being a class that always gets me thinking and grinning.

health tip: did you know that leaving food out (that should be refrigerated) for more than 4 hours in the danger zone temperatures (41 - 135 F) puts you at a large risk of food poisoning? this includes preparation time, too. prevent bacteria from overtaking your leftovers and refrigerate soon after eating.

It's the little somethings that make up a life. The little somethings that happen while we're waiting on the bigger somethings we all think matter most. But in between those big somethings, the little somethings become who we are and what constitutes our lives. I'm documenting some of those somethings as a 20-something year old learning about faith, life and herself.