Wednesday, February 18, 2009

RIP Dad

First, allow me to apologize to both friends and family for not writing or calling back sooner. My father's death has left me with the need to think a lot on my own. As some of you may already know, a week prior to his death, my father went missing for about a week. About two years ago he was diagnosed with acute psychosis. We were told by the doctors that he had this condition all his life and up until recently he had been able to distinguish delusions from reality. This diagnosis explained a lot of his behavior and ultimately allowed me to forgive him of his behavior following the family reunion.

Almost a year had passed since our falling out and when we would speak he wasn't confrontational in the slightest... Which is not like him. He spoke slowly and expressed a lot of regrets, as if he knew it was almost over. Separated from his sons he had lost his mind and ultimately his will to live. He left Vangie's house without his wallet or cellphone and was found a week later sleeping on the streets. He was hospitalized shortly after being found but when he came to he decided to try to walk away from his bed only to collapse shortly there after. The doctors tried but couldn't recessitate him.

It all didn't seem real at first but yesterday it hit me so hard I couldn't leave the house. I kept on thinking how awful and alone he must have felt. I also realized that the many things that I had wanted him to see would never be seen. He was the one who got me into karaoke and I wanted him to see how far I had come since he first dragged me up on stage. I can't show him now. Worst of all, he had so wanted to see me get established, marry and have a family. And while I still don't want children, he will never get to see me settle down with a good woman. He wanted that the most for me. Our last conversations revealed that he thought about that the most.

But of all the things I regret not being able to tell him, not being able to say "good bye Dad, I love you" is what bothers me the most. It all happened so fast that I never got the chance.