Relationships

Last time that we discussed hurt, we took a look at the person who is hurt. We looked at what needs to be done in order to move forward from a place of being hurt. We discussed boundaries and the need for wise Counsel, as you are moving from the place of being hurt and offended to being free and forgiving.

Today, I want to take a look and the other side of that hurt coin. The one who hurts.

Now, if you have experienced being hurt and have not, whether you tried to or not, dealt with it in the proper manner, the pain of the hurt was able to seep into our heart. If this happened you allowed bitterness and anger to become wedged within the chambers of your heart. If this is true, you may have found that your actions, words, and even your thoughts have begun to change.

The truth is that we are all, in many ways, a product of our environment. The things, situations, and people that interact with us on a daily basis or even on an occurrence, have an opportunity to plant seed in to our hearts that can quickly take root. I believe that this is why God tells us in His word to guard our hearts with all diligence, (Proverbs 4:23) for out of it flows the issues of life. He didn’t say that out of it will flow all of the great dreams of our lives. No, He said that our issues would come out of our hearts.

Not only will our issues come our of our hearts, but if there is goodness within us that will come out. Yet, if there is evil within us, that will come out too. When we are dealing with or have buried pain from hurtful situations, issues… they will also come out of our mouths.

For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

If you take a moment to think about it, it is not only our actions that hurt people, but it is often our words, as well. We speak damaging words to other people, without even realizing that what we have said has the capacity to destroy them, in many ways. If we were to view things from God’s eyes, we would see that our tongues are swords, cutting others on the way in and on the way out. Leave it to a heart that is hurting and the target will not only be broken, but demolished. If you can recognize yourself in these words, I want to tell you that you are not alone. It is just a sign that you are hurt.

They do it unknowingly, most of the time. It starts with the pain that is within them and needs to be let go of, but because of unforgiveness, the hurt turns in to a weapon. In many ways, the hurt person is simply trying to protect herself from other forms of hurt, without realizing that the chosen weapon of protection is not a shield, but a sword. This is when problems arise.

If you have found yourself in this place, let me tell you that you don’t have to stay here. Perhaps you have been hurting people, unawares. Maybe you aren’t even to the place of hurting people yet. You are just thinking thoughts, that if they came out of your mouth or would be acted upon, would hurt someone. If this is you, please, please keep reading.

The first thing to do is to declare that you will be honest with yourself and with God, no matter what you find out about yourself.

The second thing to do is to ask for forgiveness. You are asking forgiveness for hurting others. Next, forgive. Forgive yourself and the person/people that hurt you. You may have to go back to the situation and think about what happened. You may have to journal it and hash it out, but you need to get to the root of your problem, so that forgiveness can happen. Finally, you have to commit to renewing your mind and being a doer of the word.

God wants to bring about a change in your life, but He will not force His goodness upon your life, if you are not interested in having it. When you are a person that hurts others, you know that it comes from your past. It comes from your own brokenness. It comes from fear. It comes from desiring control. You have to be willing to let these things go in order to be set free.

If you are reading this, and don’t quite understand this position, God bless you. However, I honestly believe that we have all been in a place like this, at one point in out lives or another. Maybe you could not recognize it, when in it. Maybe you did. We are all different, but I truly believe that we are all similar in this. None of us, really want to remain in this place.

So, what’s next?

Well, I suggest that you pray.

Pray for the person that hurt you and pray for yourself.(Luke 6:28)

Trust God to fight your battles.(Romans 12:19)

Renew your mind daily. (Romans 12:2)

Practice what you read and don’t just read it.(James 1:22)

If you do this things, you will move from the place that you are in now, to the place where you desire to be, free from the pain and free to love.

This morning as my husband was leaving the house, he kissed my youngest daughter and told her that she was beautiful. Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss. He looked at me and told me that I was beautiful too.

With all of my stinky morning breath, crusty eyes, and messed up hair, I said “Not right now, I’m not.” In response to my awkward response to his affectionate and loving words, in which I had rejected myself and him, to a degree, he said… “Yes, you are! You’re my wife.”

Ok…wait! Did you get that?! Or did you miss it?!

He not only disregarded what I had said, but he also took it and turned it around by implying that because I am his wife, I am beautiful.

After he left, I read a devotional that illustrated how often we take the time to treat strangers and those that we don’t really know, very well. Yet, we fail to treat ourselves and, sometimes, the ones we love, with that same kindness.

Normally I would have told a friend or someone who I didn’t know, that they should not be so hard on themselves. Yet I was doing it.

So I took some time to think about this.

How does the way that I treat myself affect my relationships with others and more importantly, my relationship with God?

There are enough people and ads out there that tell me that I am not beautiful, too dark, my hair isn’t straight enough. They say that I’m not smart enough, not tall enough, short enough, bold enough. They say that I’m too feminine and too masculine. They tell me that I need to be more independent, but that I’m not dependent enough. You know…I smile too much, but don’t smile enough. How about this one? I’ve been told that I am too organized, but not organized enough.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that I should listen to these voices. They don’t seem too sure of the standard.

Then there is me…I am really hard on myself. I often hold myself to a very high standard. In many ways, I deal with perfectionism. We all know that I will never be perfect, in this life. In all actuality, I am aiming to be pleasing to God, but that ends up translating into trying too hard. I keep trying to do what is right in His eyes, but I hear the voices of people. I hear them rejecting my application. I hear them telling me that now is not the time and I’m not it.

My heart believes that He loves me and that I am accepted, but this head of mine…its always fighting with my heart. Telling me that I am not special and most often, I am not wanted.

With all of this, I think I hear God saying that I am not good enough and He is not pleased…

But wait!!! That’s not the truth.

He never said that. That’s not even His character.

Much like my husband, He looks at me, in all of my mess. He has said “You are beautiful. You are mine.” (see Isaiah 43:1)

He has said that his kindness would not depart from me; that he would have mercy on me, and that his covenant of peace would not be removed from me. (See Isaiah 54:10)

He has created me as I am supposed to be and he loves me. He will never leave me.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me;

12Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.

14I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

15My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.

19Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.

20For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain.

21Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

22I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

23Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties;

24And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

~Psalm 139

Are you able to see it? Have you realized why it is important not to be so hard on yourself? Meeting the expectations of the world is impossible because they don’t know what they want. The world is tossed in every which way depending on the culture climate. However, our God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The woman who He created you to be is the woman that He wants you to be. He gave you that hair, that skin, that smile, those teeth and all of your qualities. He has said that He would never leave us or forsake us. (see Joshua 1:9)

He has created us and in rejecting ourselves, we, in turn, reject Him. We are made in His image and with His love. He made us in a way that is magnificent and pleasing to Himself. All He wants is our love, obedience, and worship.

This in itself is another post, but let me leave you with this. If you don’t love God with all of your heart, another god will sit on the throne of your heart and you will love it. If you don’t obey God, you will submit to another authority and obey it. If you don’t worship God, you will find something else to worship.

So, what am I getting at?

All of those other things, that will attempt to take the place of God and desire you, will never ever do what God has done for you. They have never taken the time to piece you together and they will never love you. They are not totally dedicated to seeing you at your best…only God can, has, and will do those things. He sent Jesus Christ to die for your sins and to wipe your slate clean.

Have you ever lied?

Have you ever stolen something?

Have you ever used the Lord’s name in vain?

Have you ever looked at a man with lust in your heart?

Have you ever been jealous of what someone else had and wanted it?

Before Jesus, we were all liars, adulterers, and covetous thieves at heart. There was nothing left for us but to try hard and burn in eternal damnation away from God. Yet, Love paid the ultimate price and has now given us a chance to have life more abundantly here on earth…no more trying, just be who He has called you to be and walk with Him. You are also now able to have eternal life.

If you don’t already know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, please take a moment, in your heart to speak with the One true and living God. Accept His free gift of salvation, repent of your sins, and make Him the Lord of your life.

I can’t promise you that there won’t be days when you wake up feeling like I did. I can’t promise you that you won’t or that the world won’t be so hard on you, but I can tell you that you don’t have to be. I can tell you that God is there at the door and He wants to walk with you through your roughest times. This applies to you whether you have known the Lord for years or are just meeting Him.

In all of my years upon this earth, I have come to learn a few things on matters of the heart. Today I am going to discuss hurt.

It may seem like a very broad topic, but hurt, when it comes to matters of the heart is like a double-sided coin. You just can’t win.

If you have been living for longer than 5 years upon this earth, which I suspect that you have, if you are reading this, you have either hurt someone else or have been hurt by someone.

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain, tear drops and laughter, pleasure and pain. Just remember, there was never a cloud that the sun couldn’t shine through. ~Unknown

I set this quote here because I am going to talk about this topic of hurt and it is no easy feat. However, I think it is important to remember that it won’t last forever, no matter which side of the equation you are on.

Alright…now let’s get into it.

When it comes to this heart thing it is either hurt or be hurt…wait! Let me explain.

I am not saying this as a thing that should be done; you either hurt someone else or you get hurt.

Nor am I saying that you have to make a choice, right now, about which person you should be.

No!

I am saying this as an observation; I want you to think on this, as I explain.

Throughout the duration of a having a personal relationship with anyone upon this earth, there will come a time where either you or the other person will become offended. This is inevitable. Even Jesus said that it would happen. “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come!” Luke 17:1

Did you catch that?

He said that it is impossible that no offenses should come, so the first position that I would like to deal with is the one whom the offense has come to.

The One Who is Hurt

Hurt…hurt comes. It comes in different fashions and forms. It can look many different ways and be very unexpected. There are even times when you can see it coming and attempt to protect yourself, but somehow, it still makes its way to your heart.

If you have ever been hurt, you know that there is a blow to the heart that reminds you that you are more that flesh and bone. I say this because it is not a physical pain that we feel when we are hurt, but instead it is one that goes beyond the physical realm and hits our emotions.

When you are hurt, you can feel like you have done something wrong; you could feel rejected, confused, and even angered by the pain that someone else has caused you.

Yet, in the midst of all that you are experiencing you have a choice to make.

What are you going to do?

Various choices can begin to come to your mind. While some options may involve retaliation, I urge you not to make those choices.

Yes, I understand that there is only so much that a heart can take and you may feel that you have taken enough, but let me tell you, there is nothing that you will ever do that will not produce some sort of fruit, whether good or bad, that you will not have to eat some day. You will reap what you sow.

Do you want the fruit of hurting another in retaliation?

Hopefully you answered wisely and said no.

So what is it that you are supposed to do? Nothing?

Now I am not suggesting that you do nothing. Instead I am suggesting that you not be quick to anger or quick to act; Don’t be quick to speak either, for that matter. (Ecclesiastics 7:9; James 1:19)

Take a moment, whether in a heated discussion or in the privacy of your own thoughts, to take wise Counsel with God. He is near to you, if you draw near to Him, in any moment that you desire and He will give you wisdom on how to act. (James 4:8; James 1:5)

Once you have taken a moment, realize that your actions are very important from here on out. We teach people how to treat us, by how we allow them to treat us and by how we treat others.

If a person has hurt you, it is imperative that you first realize the importance of setting some boundaries.

What has this person said or done, or the lack there of, that has caused you to be hurt.

*STOP!!! YOU ARE NOT MAKING YOURSELF PROMISES AT THIS POINT!* Don’t say things like I will never allow you to hurt me in that way again.

Making yourself promises is not what I am encouraging you to do.

What I am encouraging you to do is to set up some boundaries.

See it

Let’s pause for a moment to get a visual…

Two neighbors live with open fields. They are friends and they often travel to one another’s houses for fun, festivities, and personal conversation. Crossing the property line has never been a problem. However, both of these families have dogs. When the families cross the property line the dogs have gone with them, in the past. Yet on occasion, when there friends are not going to one another’s houses, the dogs cross the boundary line anyway. One family has a garden in the back yard. The other family has a family play set and activities set up in their back yard. When the neighbor’s dog crosses the property line, it often leave its mark. It goes to the bathroom, rummages through the garden, or bites & scratches up the family play set. Both families have noticed the problem. Without allowing the emotions of being upset to get to them, they simply decide that there is a need for a fence to be placed between the two homes. The dogs have no ill intent, they are just being dogs. Yet there is a need to set a boundary for the dogs, so that each yard can remain as the families would like it to. Each family takes the necessary steps to set this up as they, each, see necessary. Once the fence is set up, the dogs remain where the owners have left them, the yards remain intact, and the families continue to grow in their relationship together.

Getting an understanding

Did you get the visual? I hope so…

Did you get what you need to do? I hope so…

You need to decide what the fence is that will allow you to keep your property in tact.

Now, fences are not walls. They are fences that simply say to other people, this is my property and I would like you to respect my property line. Your dogs are not allowed to go rummaging in my yard; nor can they tear up my family play set.

This is not an easy task, but it is one that needs to be done in order for you to remain unoffended.

The offenses will come, but you have to decide how to handle them.

Making the right choice

There will be many options for you, but I suggest that you take time for yourself, so that you can get a grip of how you are feeling and seek God, to know what you need to do.

Just don’t make any rash decisions. Choose not to accept the offense as it is, but instead to reevaluate why you are hurt and how you can not be offended. There will be times when you can see why you are hurt, but cannot see how it is that you cannot be offended. When this happens, you have another option, just forgive. If you have to, forgive yourself for anything that your feel responsible for. Then forgive the person, so that you can move on.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Nor does not forgetting mean always rehashing the painful events. Instead it means that you learn from the experience and see how things can work out better next time.

Side Note: Sometimes God allows us to see the character of people. When you see it, pray, and act in a way that honors God, is wise, and is confirmed in your conscience. Pray for the other person because hurt people hurt people.

It is my prayer for you that in the midst of all that you are feeling and experiencing, you would have peace through seeking God and acting in a way that glorifies Him.
Things happen in life, but remember there is no cloud that the sun cannot shine through…more importantly, there is no situation that God cannot fix. We just have to trust Him in it.

As people we are all boggled down with life. We get so busy doing the things that we think are necessary and required. When we are not doing the necessary and required, we begin to do what we desire. Sometimes we fail to realize or just forget that we live in a community of people that need us…and we need them.

Whether we are thinking about our home, family, friends, neighbors, church, online community, or even, dare I say, the world…we all need each other. When individuals spend too much time alone, they begin to experience thoughts that may not be conducive to their “best” life. In the Bible, this loneliness or not having encouragement, led to a disbelief because people started to question the faith that they once had in God.(Hebrews 3) This is the reason why God tells us to exhort one another.

We have to be there, available, ready, and willing to encourage our brothers and sisters in the faith. We have no idea the struggles that they are going through and no one has any idea what we are going through as well. But God…

He is more that aware of our present condition and yes, He does and will encourage us, but He also gave us one another. We are a family and he wants us to help each other in our weakness.

If you are losing hope…don’t. Period…
God says in His word that no one who trust in and puts their hope in Him will ever be put to shame. (Romans 10:11)

If you feel like things are impossible…stop. Period…
God says in His word that with Him all things are possible.(Matthew 19:26)

If you feel like you have to give in to sin and temptation…don’t feel that way. And run!!! Period.
God says in His word that although sin comes to our house and knocked on the door, it crouches and waits, we have power over that sin…to overcome it. (Genesis 4:7, James 4:7)

If you feel that the cares in your life are just too much to bare and God doesn’t even care…like a car coming to a screeching holt, I say…DO NOT FEEL THAT WAY. Period…
God tells us in His word that he cares for us. In fact he wants us to thrust our cares upon Him because He cares. That’s right! He cares about everything that we care about. (1 Peter 5:7)

I am suggesting that you can just stop all of the things that I mentioned above. We have to take control of our emotions and cast vain thoughts out of our minds and vain imaginations off of us. (2 Corinthians 10:5) We have to tell ourselves (sometimes speaking out loud) that the thoughts and feelings that attempt to settle in us that are contrary to what God says and who He is, are all vain. Therefore, there is no need to hold on to them. We have to verbally cast them off!

Do you see how this works? I am encouraging you. Somehow, in encouraging you, I too, feel myself being encouraged. Why? Because we are the body of Christ and we need to build one another up so that or body can be strong. We are more connected that you know.

If one of us veers off to the left or the right, there are ravenous wolves waiting to devour…these are seen and unseen. Our thoughts and feelings are used as catalysts and springboards to set our hearts in motion away from or towards God.

So today lets stir one another up. Let’s encourage one another in the faith. Let’s encourage one another in relationships, work, hobbies, and life. God has empowered us to do it.

Someone might give up and turn away because we didn’t encourage him or her. That’s what the Bible says.

Be uniquely you, have no fear, and encourage someone else. You never know what a smile and a good word will do.

Our life experiences shape the way that we view the world and in a way, they predetermine the choices that we make…unless something or someone intervenes to help reshape the way that we view the world.

In this manner, our relationships become as important, if not more important than the experiences that we’ve had.

Last night, I sat and had a conversation with my husband about a few things. I realized, once again, that it is important to get wise counsel before making a choice, if I’m not sure what to do. (And in many cases, even when I’m sure what to do)

You see, just because we view the world in a specific way doesn’t mean that it’s the way that the world should be viewed. Just because we want to handle a situation a certain way, doesn’t mean that we should…

Sometimes…most of the times…no, all of the times…it is important for us to thoroughly consider the choices that we make. How will our choices affect other people? How will they affect us?

We have to take our time to make the proper, correct, right choice…the one that represents us…

I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful for his wisdom. I am thankful for our unity.

It is my hope that I would always be able to consider the various options before me and the effects of each choice that I make, wisely.

Have you ever realized that your choices should be thoroughly considered and in considering them, you changed your mind? If so, what or who made you see this? What would the outcome have been like if you made the other choice? Please share…

Have you ever sat down to think about it? It is a relational word. We trust the chair, in relation to whether or not it will hold us as we sit. We trust the car, in relation to whether or not we will be able to drive where we need to go. We put out trust in things everyday. Yet many of us find it hard to do the same thing with people or even God.

When you or I decide to trust someone we are saying that we don’t believe that the person is going to bring us hurt or harm. We believe, within ourselves, that this person is trust-worthy.

Now, I am using the word trust, over and over again, but let’s look a what it means.

The dictionary defines trust as:

reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

confident expectation of something; hope

It is as if when we trust someone, according to the definition of the word, we put our faith in them. We believe that they are able to uphold the confidence that we place in them. It sounds very simple, but I’m sure that you, like me, find that trust isn’t always that simple.

I want to ask you a question. How do you determine who you are going to trust?

For me this is a hard one.

I am a very optimistic person. I find it very easy to see the best in most people. I want to have the best experience and relationship with everyone, but I know that this isn’t always possible. Since this is my desire, in the past, I didn’t have a test that I put people through. I would just trust them. I’d give them the opportunity to show me that they are not trust worthy. Now, I don’t recommend trying to do this with things that are very precious or important to you.

Why?

Well, what would happen if the person was not worthy of your trust? You would have trusted them with things that are very dear to you.

I had a situation like this before. I placed my trust in someone and shared very intimate details with them. I assumed that they could handle the things that I had given them. I thought that they were full of integrity. I must say, my expectations were very high. What I learned later was that, I had not rightly judged the situation. The person showed me that they could not hold the piece of myself that I had given them.

What a learning lesson that was. I decided to learn from it.WARNING: There is a way to learn from a situation without making a vow to never allow something to happen again.
I caution you in this because I have learned that making vows, only open the door for a proving of the vow. Will you stick to it in the midst of a test or trial. Not only will it be tested, but the vow may change you, for the worst.

Imagine a person that has vowed to herself that she would never let a someone hurt her again. Her life would become a series of events that focus primary on avoiding that hurt which was experienced before.

Instead of taking a vow, I’d like to encourage you, as I have found encouragement to do this as well, pray. While you are praying for wisdom in how you trust, allow the person to prove that they are worthy of your trust. As they prove that they are worthy, give them more of your confidence.

Here is an example of this.

When my children ask for a privilege, like going outside by themselves, I give them specific directions to prove themselves responsible, obedient, and trustworthy.

Lets say that it is a cold day outside and there are children playing in front of our house from down the street. I will tell my son to put on his coat. I will also tell him to put on his play clothes and shoes. After proving himself in this area, I allow him to go outside. Don’t leave the porch. After he has proved himself in this, I place more of my confidence in him. “You can play with your friends, but don’t leave our street.”

At this point he has done everything that I asked him to do, so I back up, a bit, and allow him to play because he showed that he can be trusted.

After spending a few minutes out of my site, I’ve gone in the house, my son is playing and following all of the rules. I realize that I can trust him. He has demonstrated his ability to follow directions and to be responsible. The last proving will be giving a time limit. This will determine whether or not we can do this again.

This is how we should treat other people. Although it may seem hard at first, if we pray for wisdom and are wise, we will see if a person is trust worthy or not.

Today, think on what trust means to you. Do you find it hard to trust people? Do you have a system for the proving? Or have you left your self in a position to have your confidence broken?

Let’s make sure that our expectations are realistic and based in sound judgement.
Be encouraged today. 🙂

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On my blog I provide encouragement about daily thoughts and concerns that are on the mind of the 21 Century Woman. I discuss topics like faith, being a woman of integrity & character, motherhood, marriage, relationships, prayer, books and more.