I’m sure that many of my readers are wondering how they can be successful once they enter medical school. I thought I’d take the time to tell you some of the habits I picked up which will guarantee your getting AOA and landing the residency of your dreams.

The first step is to hoard all of the information for yourself, and make sure that none of it lands in the hands of your classmates. Common examples include creating an outline for all of the month’s lectures and then refusing to send it to the rest of the class; finding a website that is helpful in clarifying concepts and then neglecting to tell anyone about it; learning that someone else’s patient has had a change in status and then forgetting to tell your classmate so that he’ll be embarrassed on rounds the next day. These techniques may sound rude at first, but remember that your goal is to get your top pick for residency. And remember that all of your class to your competitors.

The second step is to take on extra patients. The higher the patient load, the more the residents and attendings will notice your hard work and will reward you for it. If all of the other medical students are assigned two patients, then you should get a third. You should readily and willingly take additional patients, even if it means pre-rounding on one of your classmates’. Don’t worry, you’ll do a better job of taking care of that person then the other third-years will anyway. That patient is now in better hands.

Finally, you should make sure that you are always visible, even when the resident has already told you to leave twice. When your classmates all agreed to go home after the afternoons lecture, you should very loudly state that you agree with them and that you will promptly leave campus once class is over. The moment everyone else is gone, you should immediately return to the hospital and ask the resident if there is anything else you can do. When the chief inquires as to why you were the only student who has returned, be sure to give some passive-aggressive answer such as, “I don’t know. I just sort of assumed that they got tired of being here.”

Don’t worry about what your classmates say about you. You’ll encounter many people who are jealous of your success. You might even hear sounds of “click click boom,” but you should ignore these. Remember, you’re the one who’s getting to go to the residency of your choice. Everyone else is going to end up in primary care out in the middle of nowhere.

Since you’re a reader of this website, you can print out these tips and keep them in the pocket of your whitecoat. Don’t share it with anyone, ever. In fact, don’t ever tell anyone that you’ve been to this website. Your competition will learn the secrets and may even employ them against you. You need to stay ahead of the game.

Good luck,
Half M.D.

(Half M.D.: I wanted to post this on April 1. However, I will be out of town then and am forced to write it now. It’s a joke. Please don’t e-mail me asking if I’ve tried any of these methods.)

Dubious Premedsaid,

Moesaid,

I’m starting med school in the fall and will dominate using your tactics. I’m gonna sabatoge people by studying my ass off, being 100% ready and then holding massive review sessions that confuse the fuck out of everyone. Yes, I will dominate.

Wow, I really hope that no one reading this will take the advice to heart. I think the residents and doctors can easily catch on to you if you behave this way, and begin to see you as nothing more than a selfish and aggressive egomaniac. Oh, and you get the added bonus of the hate of your classmates.
Overall, the advice is about creating not only a hell for everyone, but your personal one as well.

bris o'toolesaid,

Pikkisaid,

I think that these tips are ridiculous..
-you should take on an extra patient because you honestly feel like it.
being a doctor is about being compassionate for others not about beating other people and reaching the top..
-i hope that no one follows these tips.. if you do then you really should not be in med school and you are obviously missing the real point in becoming a doctor..

Someonesaid,

Jerry Seinfeldsaid,

You think this is irony? This is precisely my experience of medical school so far. The worst of it is the consultants LOVE watching the students tripping their colleagues up in public. Thanks for being honest!