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Topic: IS this right????? (Read 11288 times)

Here is the story............ When I was due to give birth the BIl and SIL and 2 nephews came to the house to help DH with our other kids. Nice you say??? Well before they came I made sure the house could pass inspection with the white glove. Everything they could possibly need was here. I did this so they wouldn't be inconvenienced by going out. Being that they have 2 kids and one of my children is a toddler (other is 13) I completely expect a mess to occur. Hey they are kids and that is their job. Well Daughter was born and was sick so they took her to the local hospital for children. DH was great. He was at the children's hospital 2 times a day to make sure my breast milk was given to my daughter. So Dh was exhausted (was at work after 3 days off) and was upset at our daughters illness. Day came for me to get out of the hospital. I was excited to get out so I could see my other children and go see my new baby. Nothing prepared me for what I saw when I got home. Soda cans EVERYWHERE!!!! My stove has 4 burners. ALL 4 burners had pots on them. 2 of the pots had food in them that had been cooked the previous night. Also forgot........... the dishwasher was empty and the sink (double sink) was FULL of dirty dishes!!!! I lost it. I went to my room and cried. I was in no shape after a c-section to clean. Besides I wanted to see my new baby. Better yet demanding MIL was due to arrive in less than 10 hours!!!! The audacity of these people. Then when I got there about 1 hour later they left. with out cleaning anything. DH thanked them for coming and taking care of the kids. What a joke. IT was my 13 year old that had emptied the dishwasher twice and loaded the dishes twice. They did nothing but eat our food and lounge around our house. (well BIL also helped himself to some of my pain pills)

Normal people would think to at least tidy up. I didn't expect a perfect house. I am no neat freak. But for goodness sake clean up after yourselves.

Here is my ??

When you have relatives over what is normal etiquette(sp?) I want to make sure I am not expecting too much. I mean when they get here there are appetisers and a meal. The next day there are 3 meals and snacks. The next am before they leave there is a nice breakfast. ALL COOKED MY ME!!! I don't' mind because I love to cook. It makes me happy. But NO one ever asks to help me clean up. By the time I get everything cleaned up the dinner or what ever meal is cold and everyone is relaxing. When they come they have fresh linens and as many clean towels as they need. I tell them where everything is and they have been told by me that they are welcome to use what ever they need. I am just at a loss and am tired of these ungrateful people. Please some one tell me what is proper. Is it OK for me to do the cooking then split up the cleaning tasks amongst our guests and my oldest. (the 2 year old could do it but that would make a bigger mess than anything) We do have a dishwasher and I just like the dishes to be rinsed so we don't' have food all over the dishes. Oh one more rant...... we dint' drink coffee but we do have a coffee pot for guests. Well they make coffee witch is fine but they leave the sugar crystals that they have spilled on the counter and don't' clean them up. Then when they leave they don't' even bother to rinse out the pot and leave the grinds in the pot!!

I think what's right is negotiable, and arrived at by mutual agreement. Also, I think that in general the length of the stay is a factor. The longer anyone stays over, the more they should do. You should never be expected to cook all the meals and do all the housework if a guest is staying longer than two nights (others may be stricter on that than I am).

In your case, you were having a baby via C-section, and any relatives who come to stay at your place should be staying with the expectation of helping you. Which means that they should have cleaned up after themselves at the very least. Leaving your house that kind of a mess when you not only needed to recover but had the stress of knowing your baby was ill was unspeakably rude of them.

Your husband should be saying something to them about this post-haste.

Oh, I am so sorry. So that I am clear, they came specifically to help with the other children while you were in the hospital delivering #3, correct? I am having trouble seeing how anyone thought that a family of four (you said they have 2 boys) is the best option here. Wouldn't it make more sense for just sister-in-law to come or MIL or your own mother? I realize these might not have been options, but it seems weird to me that the entire family would come to "help" out.

Yes all 4 of them came here. Not sure why they thought it would be such a big help to us. My Mom was suposed to come but.......... she was having some surgery and would not feel up to the flight. These people really have no clue. When they were about to leave DH and I were goign to go to the hospital to see our new baby. Well SIl had not yet seen her and wanted to go but, she wasn't wanting to stay long. What Dh wanted to do was me, dh, and SIL go to the hospital to see the baby and only stay about 15 minutes and take SIL back to our house so she and family could go home. Can you believe that??? I stood up at that point and said I wanted to stay for at least 2 hours. IF he wanted to come back at another time and pick me up fine but I was not goign to go and see her for only 15 minutes to accomidate someone else. This is my daughter I am talking about!!!

Anyways................... When they stay it usually is from friday night to Sunday afternoon. Usually we see them about once every ohter month. Since our house is big enought to accomidate all 9 of us we stay here. Sure they spend money on gas but we feed and entertain them on our dime. I just feel it is unfair of them to treat me as a slave and not even offer to help. Well, I can at least be happy that they dont' live close enough for more frequent visits. Actually DH was suposed to talk to BIL about his "problem" with helping himself to my pills (had them for my post csection) or the money that we see missing when they leave. But....... Dh is not sure how to approach them.

No, you are not expecting too much. If your BIL, SIL, and their children came to visit you for a couple of hours, then I would not expect them to do too much cleaning. Since they stayed for a couple of days - allegedly to help -, it is reasonable for you to expect them to clean up after themselves. If your BIL and SIL normally keep their own home clean, I would be especially insulted.

I think that the biggest insult was stealing from you. I would be tempted to file a police report over the money and the pills. After all, you may run into your own set of problems if you end up needing those pills and have to ask for the pharmacist to refill your prescription earlier than expected.

In any case, you are well within your rights to refuse to host these individuals at your home again.

It sounds to me that Hopefull's relatives are using her and her house for a "vacation spot"

And leaving the sinks full and soda cans "everywhere" is just plain rude. Especially knowing that Hopefull is in the hospital having a BABY - and will not be up to ANY cleaning after she comes home.

The missing pills should be reported to at least your DR. so that he knows that you didn't take them all and are abusing them. Missing money a police report. You never know it might have been one of the kids helping themselves to it.

If they come again I would hide any loose money and prescription pain pills. What they can't find they can't take. I have a friend who put a key lock on his "medicine cupboard" in the kitchen when the kids started climbing and getting into everything. (the little idjuts figured out the childproof door locks. We blame "Rugrats")

Me I am a clutter bug - so if someone tried to find my "mad money" stash they would more than likely go insane before they found it.

These people are really taking advantage of you, but.........you're letting them.

I would put a stop to their visits, period. Find a cafe or restaurant mid-way between your homes where you can meet every other month if you really enjoy hanging out with them. If DH wants to see BIL (those two are brothers, right?), he can drive down to see him alone, and leave you with your kids. If anybody whines (including your DH), point out that you have a newborn, a toddler, and a teen, and are not up to entertaining right now.

Expect them to complain and even call you selfish (freeloaders are great at manipulation), but don't get sucked back in because it's fffaammmiiillyyy. Having DNA in common is not an all access pass to walk all over you. Put your foot down as often as necessary. It's your house, your family, and your life, but you have to be willing to take control.

Of course it isn't. There's nothing about it that's right. I think you already know this because of how the whole situation made you feel. The real question should be, "How do I stop letting my relatives take advantage of me?"

You can't change their behavior, so don't spin your wheels trying to figure out how to do that. The only thing you can do is change YOUR behavior. As in saying no when they inform you they're coming for a visit. Insisting they clean up after themselves if you just can't say no. Enlisting the help of your dh to enforce the boundaries you set.

You've been given a clear example of how these people operate. It is within your power to see to it that it never happens again. Stand up for yourself and don't worry about offending those who obviously think nothing of offending you.

In your case, you were having a baby via C-section, and any relatives who come to stay at your place should be staying with the expectation of helping you. Which means that they should have cleaned up after themselves at the very least. Leaving your house that kind of a mess when you not only needed to recover but had the stress of knowing your baby was ill was unspeakably rude of them.

Your husband should be saying something to them about this post-haste.

I echo what Venus said. In this situation when you were having a baby these people were supposed to be in your home to help out. What they did is extremely rude and definately not acceptable. Even when I'm just having dinner over at someone's house, I always feel that as a polite guest I should offer to help the host/hostess clean up the dishes. I would have been absolutely livid if I came home to a mess like that and the pigs responsible for it would not be invited into my home for a long, long time.

Since it's your husband's brother, he should be the one to tell them that what they did is not okay (especially the stealing) and don't expect to be invited back any time soon. Since they were also stealing from you, I wouldn't even want them in the home for a couple hours. You don't want to worry about cleaning up after them AND watching your money, pain pills, and anything else they may decide to take. If they plan to come into town, make it clear they need to get a hotel and meet dh and your kids at a restaraunt. If they whine, tell them that you just gave birth and are taking care of a new baby and cannot host guests at this time.

Anyways................... When they stay it usually is from friday night to Sunday afternoon. Usually we see them about once every ohter month. Since our house is big enought to accomidate all 9 of us we stay here. Sure they spend money on gas but we feed and entertain them on our dime. I just feel it is unfair of them to treat me as a slave and not even offer to help. Well, I can at least be happy that they dont' live close enough for more frequent visits. Actually DH was suposed to talk to BIL about his "problem" with helping himself to my pills (had them for my post csection) or the money that we see missing when they leave. But....... Dh is not sure how to approach them.

My opinion:LOCK UP the money and valuables and prescription meds. DH is not sure how to approach them? Sounds like he just wants to avoid being the bad guy. Since you seem to be saying that there is no way you can ban these slobs from your home for an overnight stay, then next time I would recommend you have only minimal food in the home. Cereal, milk, cold cuts, and bread for sandwiches. Maybe a few pieces of fruit. Paper plates and plastic cups, and plastic knives and forks too. Do NOT offer to make anything. Tell them "the cereal and milk are on the counter, just use the paper plates so we can just throw them away." And state clearly what you need them to do - "BIL, here is trash bag, I want you to take trash out and put new liner in, thanks." "SIL, Bring me the sheets and towels you used, here is the detergent, let me show you how to load the washer."Stand up for yourself! Hey, what is the worst that could happen? They might get mad and not visit again? What would be so bad about that?Joy in Virginia

If they do nothing else, guests should always clean up after themselves. This means throwing away their own trash, routinely tidying up their mess in the bathroom, and (on the final morning) stripping their bed and bringing down their sheets to the laundry room.

Guests that make a regular stop, need to pitch in on meal preparation, cleaning, and also take on their share of the entertainment costs in addition to treating the hosts every now and again. They should also consider replacing the beverages they drank. And, if they require special foods, providing those themselves. This in addition to the other tasks mentioned in the first paragraph.

I think normal etiquette for houseguests is to keep their sleeping and storage areas neat, refrain from noisy activity during hours of retirement for the hosts, clean up after eating and other activities if they have engaged in them when the hosts are away, stay out of private areas and not handle appliances or other items without the hosts' permission, and not engage in criminal or immoral behavior.

Your BIL and family definitely violated etiquette, and I wouldn't invite them back.

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