Shayne Looper: It’s time to stop looking for Mr. Right

Sunday

Apr 17, 2011 at 12:01 AMApr 17, 2011 at 5:11 PM

I find it curious. When I look at hotel reviews, guests almost always give higher ratings than the "objective" reviewers. But when I looked at reviews for the matchmaking service, eHarmony, I found that the "objective" reviewers gave higher marks than the clients.

Shayne Looper

I find it curious. When I look at hotel reviews, guests almost always give higher ratings than the "objective" reviewers. But when I looked at reviews for the matchmaking service, eHarmony, I found that the "objective" reviewers gave higher marks than the clients.

There may be a variety of explanations, but this one strikes me as most likely: Hotel guests have lower expectations than reviewers, but dating service clients have higher expectations than reviewers.

Most people go to a hotel looking for a comfortable bed and a clean, quiet room. If that is what they get, they are reasonably satisfied. If the Internet service is slow or the offerings at the continental breakfast are slim, it will only have a modest affect on their opinion.

But the person paying for eHarmony’s services is looking for a soulmate, for Mr. or Ms. Perfect. They came to the matchmaking service in the hope of finally meeting Mr. Right – the perfect fit physically, spiritually, in temperament and in interests. But as most people discover, finding Mr. Right is about as easy as finding Osama bin Laden.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t use eharmony. Sure, it has its shortcomings, but it’s probably as good a way to meet marriageable people as any. It’s certainly no worse than the crazy American tribal dance we call dating.

The problem is not with the service, but with the people using it. Or, to be more precise, with the expectations of the people using it. And this is true not just in matchmaking services, but in dating generally.

Our culture has taught us that there is a perfect match out there somewhere, like there is a perfect match for every single piece of the interlocking puzzle that sits on the card table. If we find our perfect match, life will be sweet and we will be fulfilled. But if we don’t, we are doomed to a life of unhappiness.

No wonder people get cold feet before the wedding. Their happiness, now and forever, hangs on whether the person across the aisle is Mr. or Ms. Right. But how can anyone ever know for sure that this person — and not some other — is the one perfect match?

In the wedding ceremony, the officiant says something like, “The union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy.” That wording is dependent upon the book of Genesis: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

But the union of husband and wife is not like the union of two puzzle pieces. It is more like the union of two pieces of wood in a dovetail joint. It is not a “natural fit.” Each piece requires shaping, cutting, sanding, cleaning. Mortices and tenons are cut and tested, trimmed and tested, and then glued, carefully joined, and allowed to set. And when that is done, they still must be sanded, stained and varnished.

Hollywood romances often end with a wedding, as if the hard work has all been done, Mr. Right has been found, and there’s nothing left to do but live happily ever after.

But that scenario is analogous to a cabinetmaker selecting two pieces of cherry from the hundreds available to him, for a display case. But instead of preparing them or finishing them, he merely glues them together and sets them in place. They soon come apart.

So do marriages, when couples see the wedding as an end rather than a beginning; when they finish the search for the perfect match but never commence the work of matching perfectly. Only when people understand this can they stop worrying about finding Mr. or Ms. Right, and start working on becoming Mr. or Ms. Right.

Shayne Looper is the pastor at the Lockwood Community Church in Michigan. He can be reached at salooper@dmcibb.net.