The 5 Stages of Online Dating

It used to be that if you wanted to find a romantic partner you were limited to the small pool of people that went to your high school or lived in your town. If you couldn't find your ideal mate at the local malt shop, you were out of luck. There were also some things called "going steady," "petting" and "reefer madness." It was a dark and confusing time.

Internet dating has changed all that, promising databases with thousands of available singles, and the ability to quickly and accurately match clients with their ideal mates. Word of mouth has spread from people who have successfully met their partners online; those of us who are too busy to meet people normally, leave the house, or maintain our personal appearances have sat up and taken notice.

I recently went to popular Internet dating site Connect4You to see if I could find my ideal woman. Failing that, I would see if I could find any woman. I've documented my story below:

Stage 1: The Actual Truth Stage

Somewhat romantically, I started off operating under the notion that it would be best if I could find someone who loved me for who I truly am. After creating my profile, I messaged a dozen or so women on the board, then sat back and waited for their (no doubt voluminous) responses.

Name: Strange_AttractorQuote: Could you be the cheese on the nachos of my existence?

About me: I'm a 27-year-old software developer. I'm a really nice guy, and although I might seem a bit shy at first, that's only until you get to know me. Then I'm just ugly. Ha! That was a little joke. As you can see, I also have an excellent sense of humor.

What I'm looking for: Someone smart, nice, and with a good sense of humor. I'm not too picky about hair color (so long as it's washed, ha ha ha), or body type. So if you've got clean hair, and are even a little fat, I'd love to hear from you.

Next, I decided that I might be better suited 'playing down' my more unattractive qualities and 'lightly inventing' some of my more attractive ones. After browsing around Connect4You for a bit, I noticed a subculture of people who said they were religious. Theorizing that they would be less popular and stuck-up than the other, sexily ungodly girls on the site, I refocused my profile to make me look more pious. Also, on the advice of everyone I've ever spoken to about this, I decided to not mention that whole "works with computers" thing.

Name: LittleBitOfMelchiorQuote: I followed a star in the sky, and found you. I brought myrrh.

About me: I'm a 27-year-old professional. Also, I think you should know I'm already involved in another relationship. You see, Jesus is my girlfriend. Ha ha! That's a little joke. I'd actually like you to be my girlfriend as well. Jesus and I aren't that serious! :-) Although we also are.

What I'm looking for: I'm looking for someone sweet and sincere, who really wants to get to know me before they get to know me. And by know I mean know in the biblical sense. If you know what I'm saying.

With none of my prior strategies working, I created a third profile, this time trying to make it as unrelated to me as possible. By going through the ads for a hundred or so of the men on Connect4You- something I'd been doing periodically anyway to prove to myself that I'm not gay-I was able to pick out what I considered to be the most attractive elements of all their profiles. I then combined these traits together to form one uber-profile.

Name: SensitiveListeningLawyer42Quote: I would like to hold you in my arms, then buy things for you with my arms.

About me: I'm a 31-year-old lawyer. I am an incredible listener. I have been listening to things for years, and I am fucking amazing at it. I would like to listen to you talk about how your coworkers aren't as intelligent as you, and would like to know where you buy shoes. I would then like to show you the view from the balcony of my apartment, while we drink red wine, and I continue to listen to you describe things that annoy or delight you.

What I'm looking for: I want someone who's confident-someone who truly believes, deep down inside, that she is incredibly hot. I would also like someone that isn't fooling herself when she thinks that.

It would also be great if you are someone who isn't intimidated when faced with an enormous meat-wand, which Connect4You guidelines prevent me from outright claiming that I have.

Frustrated at my lack of success thus far, I vented my feelings the only way I knew how: By creating another online dating profile.

Name: TasteTheLove_TasteItQuote: I'm only creepy on the inside.

About me: I'm a 27-year-old male. Science promises lifelike female robots within the next twenty years, but that's longer than I can wait. Consequently I need a girlfriend. Although I've never actually had sex, I have played several video games that simulate the act, and feel that that experience, combined with my catlike reflexes, means I'll have a pretty good handle on what's going on. So no worries there.

A side note: I am quite religious, and will only be able to date someone who is cool with me worshipping a pewter statue of Pat Sajak.

Dislikes: Jeopardy, online relationships with girls that are actually a small team of FBI agents.

One response, from a team of FBI agents.

Stage 5: The "Giving Up On Society" Stage

Feeling marginally better about my attempt to freak out the squares at Connect4You, I was still stuck in the same boat I started in: girlfriendless. It wasn't until a couple weeks later when some errant clicking landed me on a really alarming fetish site, when I came to a startling revelation: People who are into fetishes are ugly. Someone who's into freaky sex is willing to do it with ANYONE, provided they're also into their particular flavor of freakiness. I don't have to be handsome, charming or pleasant, so long as I'm willing to get whaled on a bit before having sex. A bit of hunting found a considerably less savory contemporary of Connect4You, where I posted this:

About me: Have you ever heard of those jerks at Connect4You? Man those fucking ice queens piss me off. All with their coy little profiles featuring pictures of them wearing tank tops. Damn. Anyways, I'm willing to get hit. Go nuts.