The Real Fake News

As you’ve seen in recent news, the U.S. government shut down for three days in an attempt to cover up more truth. On top of that, President Trump appears to be leading the United States of America into a very ugly war over nuclear war button sizes with North Korea.

But, we shouldn’t let any of that distract us from the real threat facing our country: the Patriots are back to compete in the Big Game.

The big game being the biggest Big Game of American football as well as the second biggest capitalist celebration of indulgence and consumerism after Christmas, and of course, the day that finally every person in the U.S. falls off their new year’s resolutions 100%.

At first glance, the Patriots entering the Big Game for the eighth time since 2001 might seem inconsequential when compared to nuclear war and the collapse of the entire United States government, but if it was inconsequential then why would President Trump spend so much time tweeting about it?

The answer is obvious to anyone paying attention.

The NFL has clearly been infiltrated by inner earth aliens led by none other than Patriots quarterback and five-time Big Game champion, Uggs spokesperson, pretty boy, Gisele-husband, guy-every-straight-guy would-even-sleep-with, Tom Brady.

And because President Donald Trump is actually a reptilian shapeshifter Illuminati member, and the Illuminati and inner earth aliens haven’t gotten along ever since Illuminati reptilian President Nixon made the mistake of saying there was a “war on drugs,” causing the inner earth aliens to lose billions of dollars in their throughthecrustoftheearth drug sales (mainly quaaludes and mescaline) trade, the two forces have been spatting back and forth with each other right in front of all of our eyes ever since.

The Inner Earth Aliens have been dissatisfied with their position as lower class citizens, being forced to live literally inside the earth without access to education opportunities, Billy Joel concerts, or proper nutrition.

Despite all of the disadvantages some inner earth aliens have escaped their underground hell hole and somehow made it into the NFL. These inner earth aliens show their solidarity with their inner earth comrades who are still underground by kneeling during the Earth anthem that plays before all the big games.

This kneeling action is a direct challenge to the authority of the surface world, and a call to arms for inner earth aliens.

As a member of the Illuminati and enemy of inner earth aliens, President Trump became quickly aware of this secret inner earth alien message back at the beginning of the football season and has responded accordingly.

Why else would he care so much about a seemingly meaningless gesture carried out by grown men playing a game that consists of wearing super tight pants and trying to get a big brown ball through a narrow end zone?

Of course, the leader of the inner earth aliens is none other than Tom Brady, who managed to rise through the ranks of the NFL quarterbacks with the help of his Beli-bot, capable of calculating outcomes and making decisions without human emotions interfering. Also, he cheats and lets the air out of footballs sometimes.

Brady’s ultimate plan is clear; convince the country to wear uggs so that they can’t detect the inner earth alien landspaceships coming up through the surface until it’s too late. If the Patriots win the Big Game this year, he may sell enough uggs to put his plan into action.

Our only hope is that the Illuminati are able to prevent these illegal aliens from kneeling and quell the uprising of inner earth aliens. But what can we as citizens do to help?

The answer is obvious. Don’t be distracted by things like the government shutting down or the president colluding with Russia to cheat in an election, and focus on anthem kneeling, the Big Game, and buying yourself a new pair of Uggs.

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