It’s too bad Thomas is too much of a gentleman to make good on his threat to divulge some deep dark secret about Kathryn that will preclude her from ever working again. Or, I assume, ever seeing her children again. The whole cast protects her, and even though I know it’s in the best interest of Kensie and Saint to do so, it’s maddening. At least Thomas’ threat shuts her up for half a second, before Andy changes the subject to Kathryn and Jennifer’s lunch. It is a testament to Kathryn’s narcissism and/or sociopathy that she can actually sit there and try to justify her behavior by talking in circles about Jennifer using her son’s condition to trap Kathryn into looking bad. Jennifer, incredulous, listens to this nonsense for as long as she can before cutting her off and emphatically stating that she would never use her son to manipulate someone, and that Kathryn should know that about her.

Like a cornered rat, Kathryn knows she’s not going win this one, so she sidesteps Jennifer’s statement and once again plays the victim card. “I just don’t want any negativity. I just want the people who have hurt me to support me now.” Jennifer points out that Kathryn has hurt her too, and Kathryn says she knows she has but she apologized for it at that lunch. She most certainly did not–her behavior at that lunch was atrocious from start to finish–and Jennifer calls her on it. Kathryn snivels that it’s not her fault, because she still has a hard time knowing how to react in difficult situations. What a fucking victim. Craig of course falls for this act and asks if this is because of issues stemming from rehab. Just keep feeding the beast Craig, you moron. At this point Andy should just throw his hands up, accept the fact that everything out of Kathryn’s mouth is a lie, and ignore her for the rest of the show. But of course he won’t.

He asks if Kathryn and Jennifer can be friends again and incredibly they both say they would like to. After everything Jennifer has been through with this horrible girl, why would she ever come near her again?

We exchange Jennifer for Whitney, and please let this signal a break from the Kathryn show. Andy reads viewer comments commending T-Dad, and Andy asks about his house. At first Thomas thought that ensconcing his children in what he calls his “downtown compound” would protect them, but he’s since realized they need a more kid-friendly environment and has put the downtown house up for sale. Even though it has nothing to do with her, the camera pans to Kathryn as she works up some fake tears and Craig encourages this performance by rubbing her arm. I hate Craig. Andy’s just as bad. He interrupts his line of questioning to turn to Kathryn and say, “This is not easy for you to hear.” Martyr Kathryn whimpers that she’s fine. QUIT INDULGING THIS SHAMELESS GIRL!!

Back to Thomas, and the internet hate he got for revealing that the kids live in the guesthouse. People are so pedestrian. Whitney, Thomas and Landon all point out that the main house had several floors, a ton of railings, and was like a museum. If he’d had them in the main house people would have been castigating him over how dangerous it was for children. At least he seems not to care what people think. I think he knows that most Americans don’t understand his heritage and lifestyle and takes their opinions with a grain of salt.

It’s difficult for Thomas to date in Charleston. He’s like Goldilocks–the women are either too young, too old, or the all the good ones leave for cities like Atlanta or Washington. His perfect woman would be between 35 and 39, and apparently “good” women in his target age group are like needles in a polo pony barn. Everyone cringes as Thomas stands up and asks Andy if it looks like he’s lost his mojo.

Shep’s comments to Landon at her website launch party still don’t sit well with Landon. She explains that the Yacht Me guys invited her to Nantucket with the understanding that they would book her a hotel room, but when she got there she was expected to stay on a boat with three grown men whom she didn’t know. The thought made her uncomfortable, so she booked her own room and because of that the Yacht Me guys thought she was a bitch. Shep disagrees. He said he was skeptical about reports of her behavior at first because he’s never known her to act that way. He investigated by asking her business partner about it and the business partner corroborated the Yacht Me guys’ story. Shep is probably right in this scenario, but he sees that Landon is still upset, and since he’s a reasonable person who is over it at this point, he apologizes.

On to Landon’s snotty comments about luggage. Instead of digging herself out of the hole, she stands by what she said and–snottily–adds that she wants someone with nice luggage to “travel the world” with. Oh, Landon, you’re so shallow. Cameran points to her husband, who has awful luggage but is a wonderful person. Cameran may be a two-faced shit stirrer, but her priorities are intact when it comes to things that actually matter.

Everyone agrees that Landon shoots herself in the foot with the things she says so it’s easy to misinterpret her motives and label her a golddigger. Someone from Vail writes in, and Landon is ready for it. Apparently it’s an inside joke among pretentious Aspen-lovers with fabulous luggage that Vail is a truckstop so, again, Landon stands by what she said. Shep rolls his eyes and Austen buries his head in his hands.

The Thomas-Landon “romance” is discussed. It really doesn’t bear talking about because everyone knows it was fake. We have to go over the Valentine’s Day weekend debacle again, and I just can’t. Kathryn is delusional and I don’t believe anything happened between Thomas and Landon. And if something did, I don’t care. They’re still friends and just attended a wedding in Santa Barbara over the weekend. Choke on it, Kathryn.

On to Key West. Landon apologizes for the things she said about Kathryn on the beach. I don’t know why she apologized, because everything she said was true. Landon has thus far stood by every inane comment she’s made, but she backs down on this one? I’m disappointed. They replay the dinner where Landon apologized to Kathryn and Kathryn for once makes an astute observation in that she felt that they weren’t being very genuine in Key West, but that’s okay because they both just wanted to get over it and move on. Are you listening Craig? Even a demonic hellcat like Kathryn is a better mediator than you are.

Why did Landon stick up for Kathryn against Thomas in Key West? As we already know, she was turned off by Thomas’ needling of the already volatile Kathryn, and saw what she would be in for if she ended up with Thomas. She was already married to a man who used his wealth and power to control her, and she doesn’t want to be in that situation again. Kathryn is grateful to Landon for going “out on a whim” for her, and Austen stifles a laugh at her malapropism. Thomas points out that Landon was late so she missed Kathryn’s opening salvo and only witnessed Thomas’ counterattack. Maybe, but can everyone just agree that Thomas and Kathryn’s relationship is so dysfunctional that we’re exhausted by it and just don’t care anymore?

Chelt-sea joins the stage and tells Andy that it was harder to watch herself on Southern Charm than it was on Survivor, because the former was more personal. She’s known Shep for ten years and he hasn’t changed a bit–in fact, he may have gotten a little worse. Chelt-sea really enjoys sober Shep, but she doesn’t get to see much of him. She explained to Cameran at one point that while Cameran sees lunch date Shep or coffee date Shep, Chelt-sea really only sees “late night Shepster.” Shep says that he didn’t get a chance to show her lunchtime Shep because by the time he got back to town after the wedding he attended, Austen was already moving in. Chelt-sea counters that Shep had ten years to show her another side of him and didn’t, so…too bad.

There’s nothing interesting about the Shep-Austen-Chelt-sea triangle conversation except for Cameran trying to say that she had no idea that Austen was pursuing Chelt-sea while she was trying to hook her up with Shep, and EVERYONE calls her out on it. A viewer writes in to accuse of Chelt-sea of playing Austen and Shep against each other and Kathryn chimes in to say that Chelt-sea is being held to a double standard. Women can date around just like men do, and shouldn’t be questioned for it. This is an attempt to somehow draw a correlation between her and Chelt-sea. Chelt-sea was casually dating one guy while half-heartedly fending off another guy’s advances; Kathryn slept with three cast members within a couple of weeks to secure a place on this show. There is no comparison, so don’t try to use Chelt-sea’s actions to whitewash your own whorish behavior.

Now we have to discuss Commodore-gate. Shep admits grabbing Chelt-sea and trying to kiss her was uncool, but says he was confused because both of them swore they weren’t dating, and Cameran kept trying to push him toward Chelt-sea. Still not cool, but maybe there’s a little mitigation there. Come on–Cameran told Shep that women like to be “hunted.” How antiquated is that? She also defends him by saying his caveman tactics work on 99.9% of women, so how can he be blamed when the .1% rejects him? Apparently in Charleston women are prey and men are Pavlov’s dogs.

Andy points out that at the time Shep also thought that there was something going on between Landon and Austen, and we have to watch the clip of Landon draping herself all over Austen at the hunting lodge. A viewer points out that she did the same thing in Key West. Landon says that’s just her personality and she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Landon also believes there is no girl code, so I guess anything goes with her.

Ugh, back to Commodore-gate and the guys’ night that turned into a debacle. Whitney thinks it’s no big deal because, “hey, it’s Shep.” Chelt-sea thinks this is no excuse for Shep’s entitlement and Austen agrees. They are no longer together, but both of them seem open to the possibility.

Andy asks about Shep’s flight from Key West to Charleston. Craig takes credit for keeping Shep from getting arrested and Austen can’t believe Shep got through airport security. This isn’t Shep’s first time at the rodeo, fellas–he simply relied on his go-to philosophy: Keep your mouth shut and your head down. When the issue of Shep’s happiness is brought up, he says he’s got a great family and great friends, that life is a series of peak and valleys and he’s ok with that. Craig takes this broad statement and attacks Shep, asking if that’s his philosophy, why can’t he just let Craig be who he is? Huh? What does Shep’s current state of mind regarding his own life have to do with Craig’s pathetic need for constant approval?

Shep points out that while he is introspective and can admit there are some things he can work on, Craig is delusional because he is always “killing it.” Craig says he IS killing it, and who would question his own assessment that he is killing it? Shep replies that everyone around him questions it, and here we see deeply into Craig’s simple and shallow outlook on life. Craig doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, because he’s the only one that matters. That’s why, according to Shep, Craig wants to surround himself with people who treat him with kid gloves and will never question his opinions or actions. Shep doesn’t think it’s a good idea to go through life only hearing how great you are–that’s how you end up like Kim Jong-un or Trump (or Craig). Craig jumps in to defend Trump because he mistakenly thinks that Shep has just called Trump a bully. Let me just say that again–Craig jumps in to DEFEND TRUMP. Shep corrects him and says that he wasn’t calling Trump a bully–he was calling him a little child who throws a tantrum every time someone tells him something he doesn’t want to hear. Craig still doesn’t get it and thinks Shep is just saying these hurtful things to him because he is a miserable alcoholic who can’t stand to see Craig happy. How did Craig ever get through law school? He completely misses the point of every conversation.

They argue about who’s the drunk asshole until Andy can’t take it anymore and says everyone’s a drunk asshole. Kathryn of course has to draw attention to herself by saying that Craig and Shep remind her of herself and Thomas when they fight. This has nothing to do with you Kathryn. Just sit there in your inappropriate gown and shut up.

Andy turns it back to Kathryn and Thomas–God, is this almost over?!–and asks why Thomas invited her to Saint’s birthday party. He says it was because of the letter she sent him–he could tell it was her handwriting and that she was in a good place, so he felt fairly certain there would be no emotional outbursts at the party. And then I have to hit pause to go throw up because Andy comments on how Thomas and Kathryn still have so much chemistry. Craig cosigns this creepy and sickening observation, and Andy asks if there is any chance they’ll get back together. I can’t even blame Kathryn for hijacking the conversation this time–it’s all Andy, and again I ask, why does he indulge this girl? Thomas says he walked into Republic one night and saw a beautiful woman sitting there (swilling drinks, no doubt). When he realized it was Kathryn, he turned around and walked out. That’s the smartest thing Thomas has done in a LONG time.

It’s time to wrap it up–finally! Would Craig have graduated law school if it hadn’t been for Shep and Naomie pushing him? He insists he would have and the cast collectively coughs, “bullshit.” Austen is dating, Landon’s website is starting to make money, but she’s obtained her real estate license and plans to work for her father. Cameran is sure she’ll still find time to mother her “man babies” once she has her real baby, Thomas’ father is happy when he can read the entire paper and find no mention of Thomas, Kathryn would tell “naive” Season 1 Kathryn not to believe everything people tell you, and Shep’s new show is previewed.