7th Heaven

And Away We Go… -
So here we are again, at yet another 7th Heaven series finale. They're saying this time, it's for real. They even had a funeral and buried the show in an actual coffin and everything. You know who else had...

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And Away We Go… - Because someone at the CW was under the impression that the audience for this show hadn't left it a long time ago, 7th Heaven was brought back from cancellation for one last crappy season. But now it's finally over...we think. RevCam, fresh from his miraculous, if nonsensical, recovery from a terminal heart condition, decides to abandon the church and community he's devoted his life to in favor of driving in an RV with a bunch of random people.

And Thank You - 7th Heaven leaves our airwaves with a show about Simon not marrying his fiancée no one except Annie likes, and all the Camden kids coming back, in one form or another, to see it and announce that they're pregnant with twins that are sure to make the ensuing reunion movies doubly creepy.

Mi Familia, Part II - Simon gets pre-engaged. Mary gets divorced. Lucy gets a house. Martin gets wood. Martin's Dad gets a horrible new family. Some annoying kids get foster parents. This stupid show gets at least one more season to disgust and horrify us all.

Mi Familia, Part I - At least, that's what Mary thinks. So she files for divorce, gives up her son, and refuses to talk to the Camdens or actually appear on the show. On the other side of the country, supposed minister RevCam tricks Asslee's dad into adopting four children, while Simon's refusal to have sex turns into a marriage proposal.

Leaps Of Faith - A potentially good storyline about sickle cell anemia is ruined when it is turned into a redemption song for a deadbeat dad. Simon gets born again. Paris and Vic's new child is about to be born. Better marry them off quick!

Hungry - Annie buys Ruthie a secondhand jacket. Kevin tells the world about the state of his and Lucy's sex life. Glenoak is suddenly teeming with people who can't afford to eat because they spend all their money on jewelry and clothes. You're supposed to feel sorry for them.

Tangled Web We Weaved - As we will hear third-hand from various other characters throughout the episode, Simon may or may not have gotten an STD. In fifth-hand news, Mary's husband may or may not know that she may or may not have left him and their child.

Brotherly Love - Everyone takes SamVid's word for it that Simon has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. SamVid know this because they heard the CamRents talking about it. I'll remind you that half of SamVid is probably deaf, and let you guess how well that all turned out.

The Fine Art Of Parenting - Lucy and Kevin fight over whether or not they should move out of the CamPound. Ruthie indirectly asks out a boy whose parents never learned how to parent, because they never went to church.

Paper Or Plastic? - Lucy's baby finally escapes from the womb, only to be rewarded for her efforts with the name "Savannah" and a family full of creepy Camdens. No wonder the afterbirth apparently decided to just stay in the uterus.

Gratitude - Lucy and her baby are in danger but they both end up being fine. Simon is going to tell his parents about his pregnant girlfriend, which is sure to make them very, very upset but it turns out she's not pregnant after all. RevCam, under the influence of drugs, drives with Annie and the twins but doesn't get in a fatal car accident. Ruthie's finally back in her homeland, Puerto Rico but she seems determined to return to Glenoak. Damn.

Thanksgiving - Annie's looking forward to the first Thanksgiving in years with all the CamKids around. Unfortunately, everyone has plans to be elsewhere, which may have something to do with the fact that their mother is insane and therefore not very fun to spend time with. Meanwhile, Lucy proves that the crazy apple pandowdy doesn't fall far from the tree.

Why Not Me? - Simon gets kicked out of campus housing, sending RevCam off on yet another Helping People Without Actually Helping Anyone Crusade. But first, he has to teach Kevin a lesson about what a crappy father he'll be.

Regret To Inform - A Marine dies just in time to stop Martin from escaping the CamPound. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if this is Brenda's subversive way of telling us, right before the election, how wrong and needlessly destructive the "War on Terror" is.

Fathers - The show that takes every opportunity to tell us how great Martin's dad is for abandoning his son to fight in Iraq devotes an episode to teaching us about the importance of a father being involved in his child's life. This is especially true when the mother is prone to fifteen-hour shopping excursions.

Vote - In an episode all about the upcoming presidential elections, Brenda manages to avoid offending any of her viewers' delicate sensibilities by refusing to name any of the candidates or political parties that the various Camdens support. Right, like anyone who watches this show votes Democrat.

The Song Of Lucy - Lucy sings about being a coal miner's daughter, then writes her first sermon as the church's new Associate Pastor. Ruthie wants to date a tween idol who, at sixteen, is pretty much over-the-hill as far as that goes. Simon goes to therapy. Annie is surprisingly sane. RevCam is a tool.

The Best Laid Plans - Lucy reveals that she's scared about being a mother. Simon reveals that he's been having pre-marital sex, and a lot of it. RevCam reveals that he's incapable of accepting behavior that doesn't fall under his rigid set of morals. Although we knew that last one already.

Dropping Trou - It's Season Nine, people. Season NINE. And this goddamn show is on. Unbelievable. In the season premiere, Simon's shirt-buttoning indicates that he could be having the sex; Lucy's pregnant, but acting surprisingly non-crazy about it (we'll see if that lasts); and Ruthie is as evil as ever. But this time, she gets punished.

Little White Lies, Part II - ...and still, no one really lies. Lots of other stuff happens, though: Invisible Mary has her baby. The CamRents go to see it. Martin and Asslee break up. Matt and PC get back together. Peter and Ruthie break up, then get back together. Chandler makes out with his adopted kid's tutor. Simon comes home. Roxanne goes to the Iraq in the Middle East, next to Iran. Lucy's pregnant. God help us all.

Little White Lies, Part I - Or not; only one lie is told in this entire episode. Matt and Simon are back, as is Mary, who will remain neither seen nor heard, even though she's giving birth. Ruthie might be going to Mexico for a year. Please let this happen. Please. Please.

Lost And Found - Everyone whines about issues so petty that they don't even deserve to be called problems. Then Ruthie and Peter meet the Lost Boys, and RevCam, in his infinite smugness, realizes that his life is way better than theirs, so he shouldn't take it for granted. Annie spends the entire episode cooking, like the good little wife she is.

High And Dry - ...is what you'll need to be to get through this episode, in which we learn, over and over and over and over again, that drinking is bad and wrong, even if it's in moderation and done by legal adults.

There’s No Place Like It - Lucy and Kevin engage in a bidding war with Chandler and his boyfriend -- er, "son" -- over a house that isn't even worth the asking price. Smart. RevCam and Annie decide to use their pitifully small savings to buy the CamPound. Smarter. Peter suspects his dad is dating Aunt Julie. Smartest. Also, Roxanne is a bottle blonde.

Angel - Chandler dreams about dancing Glenoakians, then decides to adopt a child. Annie spreads a bizarre, almost definitely drug-induced form of joy around town as a way of "mourning" her father. That's right: it is the worst episode of the worst show on television ever. Watch, and never be the same again.

Two Weddings, An Engagement, And A Funeral - Annie's dad finally dies, and no one else cares. Maybe it's because no one else on this show is related to him anymore. In other news, Mrs. Bink ties the knot with the lamest guy ever, and Brenda Hampton's bizarre obsession with retarded people continues.

Don’t Speak Ill Of The Dead Or Of The Living - Peter and Ruthie "speak ill" of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in an actually creative and interesting school project. Kevin and Lucy "speak ill" of Roxanne and Det. Michaels when they assume that the two are secretly dating. Martin's friend Mac "speaks ill" of Asslee's friend Pam by not dating her because she wet her pants ten years ago and no one has let her forget it since. The actor who plays Annie's dad was ill, but now he's one of "the dead," although since this show has yet to acknowledge that, we're supposed to think he's still among "the living." And Annie is ill in the head.

Healing Old Wounds - Martin's dad, the Marine, comes home. He's supposed to talk to Martin about going to college instead of playing professional baseball, but winds up making out with Roxanne. Whoops!

The Prodigal Father - If you have an aversion to saccharine, rose-coloured portrayals of mentally handicapped people as simple creatures full of goodness and wisdom, avoid the last fifteen minutes of this episode. If you have an aversion to bad acting and terrible dialogue, this episode may have been fatal.

When Bad Conversations Happen To Good People - Matt comes home to tell his parents that he failed at marriage and school. Ruthie breaks a cookie jar and frames the twins, who have enough to deal with without getting blamed for her stuff, like the fact that they don't know how to use underwear. Richard Lewis guest-stars yet again. Annie withholds judgment and baked potatoes.

The One Thing - To what should be no one's surprise, Matt isn't a very competent doctor, despite his proficiency at blood-drawing and intubating. The regular cast phones its performance in, both figuratively and literally.

Go Ask Alice - RevCam messes with the wrong principal when he takes on Mizzz Jones, so he turns his attention towards the one family that might be more dysfunctional than his own. Meanwhile, the love triangle between Martin, Asslee, and RevCam gets even more complicated when Martin and Asslee have a fight. We see blessedly little of the rest of the cast.

Baggage (a.k.a. Out Of The Past) - This week's fascinating episode focuses on sleepovers. Paris wants Chandler to spend the night with her, but he spends it with Roxanne instead. Don't worry, virginity enthusiasts -- he's still as pure as driven snow. Peter spends the night at the CamPound, because it's healthy for thirteen-year-old couples to have sleepover parties. Lucy most likely spends a night locked in her bathroom because she's mad at Kevin, and Ruthie's mad because Asslee might as well sleep at the Camdens', since she's around so darn much.

Charity Begins At Home - RevCam tells everyone to stop being so damn selfish and help someone else for a change. Various cast members respond by performing self-serving "good" deeds, like volunteering at a youth group for the sole purpose of seeing an ex-girlfriend, or making a new son-in-law fly across country for a sandwich. Ruthie the Good Christian helps and befriends all the lonely Muslim girls, for they surely cannot do it themselves.

I Wasn’t Expecting That! - Brenda Hampton takes a big risk by appealing to the majority of America's pro-military sentiment with new character Martin, who apparently thinks that having a dad stationed in Iraq entitles him to break into other people's homes and eat their food. Meanwhile, Kevin gets emasculated in the line of duty, and Simon desperately appeals to his family for some affection before he goes to college. And guest star Richard Lewis provides us with the most disgusting thing in television history when he makes out with Annie.

PK (a.k.a. Preacher’s Kid) - It turns out that Det. Michaels has a whole life outside of the Camdens, containing such potentially arresting (forgive the pun) drama as divorce, a son who abandons his own child, and undercover work. Of course, the show focuses more on Kevin babysitting and Simon getting help from a network of preacher's kids to go to college early than any of that, with some stuff about Chandler dating up a storm with the weird women who attend his church thrown in for good measure.

An Early Fall - Mary's back for a contractually obliged visit. Even though she obviously hates and/or resents her oldest daughter, Annie arranges a "family" dinner to celebrate. The possibility of free food and drama attracts the entire town to the festivities. Then Mary announces that she's married to a man who used to be homeless, and everyone's appetite is ruined. Simon expresses his desire to go to a distant college in the near future. Simon and Asslee and Roxanne and Chandler break up for good. Unfortunately, Peter and Ruthie are still going strong. Even more unfortunately, Mary and Carlos figured out how to breed, and a second-generation CamSpawn is on the way.

The Long Bad Summer (1) - The eighth season starts in style as all of last season's cliffhangers are wrapped up with boring exposition dialogue, thereby rendering any time you might have spent caring about them over the summer a complete waste. Lucy's not pregnant, the "death" we were promised last season turned out to be some guy we never heard of before, we never find out if Chandler and Roxanne had sex, and Mary is still stupid.

Life And Death, Part II - Lucy may be pregnant. Xtina may be a hooker, or may have a heart of gold. In the CamVerse, it can't be both. Either way, Simon can't take her to the prom. We never see him make up with Cecilia. Chandler confronts his dying father. Ruthie tells everyone about getting her period. Mary and Robbie are back, but does anyone really care?

Life And Death, Part I - Barry and wife are expecting a kid -- or are they? Ruthie got her period -- or did she? Chandler...Hampton's dad is really nice -- or is he? Mary has a cell phone. She really does. Plus, this new girl, Christina, moves in and puts the moves on Simon.

Dick - Peter still hates Dick, who intends to marry Peter's mom. Chandler has to marry a few couples in Eric's stead. One half of one of the couples is special guest star Mayim Bialik. Cecilia's parents want to be married by Eric, too. It's just a big old wedding theme. "Old" being the operative word, as Lucy just got married two weeks ago.

That Touch Of Bink (1) - Eric takes the pulpit, only to have the roof fall in on his pointy head. Lo, let there be fundraising. Special guest Eileen Brennan is the best little fundraiser in Glenoak. Her technique? Blackmailing everyone in town. Lucy and Kevin are still disgustingly happy. Plus, Peter's mom's new beau is, um, a freak. And not in a good way.

We Do - It's the long-awaited wedding episode where Lucy signs over her life to the scary T-1000. From the stupid "will the guests arrive in time" subplot to the not-at-all-surprising "surprise" guest, this "special" 150th episode sure is one big snoozefest.

High Anxiety - Simon and Asslee get kicked out of a kiddy flick for making out. RevCam and SuperMom try to help the Hamiltons, with truly dull results. Roxanne threatens to quit the police force after her father shoots the man who murdered her mother. Lucy threatens to quit school so she can plan her wedding, but Kevin sets her straight.

Stand Up - Lucy's wedding becomes a battleground for Annie and Eric's churchy issues. Of course, Eric decides to return to the church. Anything to shut his family up. Plus, Simon catches a thief at his new job, and Ben loses a rescue dog.

Smoking - It doesn't matter what the individual plotlines are about. All you really need to know is that smoking is bad for you, and that Brenda thinks all smokers are stupid and rude. Oh, and that Jason London is way hotter than Jeremy London.

It’s Not Always About You - The thirteenth episode of the season is totally unlucky -- for the viewers. Simon gets to date Cecilia, but only if he agrees to keep it in his pants. RevCam goes to therapy some more, and Annie joins him. The T-1000 becomes more abusive than ever when Lucy tries to get out of jury duty.

Back In The Saddle Again - Ruthie meets an upbeat girl with cystic fibrosis who inspires her to beat everyone senseless with this week's theme mallet. Simon succeeds in getting Cecilia's father to allow him to date her again. RevCam's therapist tells him to quit feeling sorry for himself. Roxanne becomes the new Lucy.

Sunday - Chandler and Roxanne daringly hold hands on their first date. Lucy would stalk them, but she can't find anyone who'd like to accompany her. RevCam writes an erotic novel that gets Annie all hot and bothered. No such problems for Simon and Cecilia. While they do decide to have sex, they also decide to discuss it with their parents first. This pretty much guarantees them a nookie-free future.

A Cry For Help - Eric Camden becomes a DJ at a college radio station for, like, an hour, and saves someone who thinks suicide is a solution. Usher, on a break from selling Twix cookie bars, guest-stars as his producer, who sneakily hired Eric to lure him back to helping people. Not to rescue the suicidal kid. Seriously, that's what came out of Usher's own mouth. His agenda was to help the preacher mired in self-pity, not the kid who wanted to off himself. Swear to you-know-who.

Lost Souls - The scene? A pool hall hosting a honky-tonk country band. The players? The Camden family, plus Roxanne and Cecilia. The premise? Find Lucy. She's having a picnic in the church with the new pastor. And where oh where is Reverend Camden's faith? He's lost that as well; he "quits" the "God business" and doesn't want to help anyone anymore. A little neighbor boy finds lust in the form of Ruthie, but is lost from his house just down the street. Get it? It's a theme. Other things that were lost during this episode include various lunches, marbles, sense, minds, and "it."

Peer Pressure - Eric pressures Rabbi Richard Lewis to spy on Rev Lite with him. Lucy pressures Simon to spy on Kevin and Roxanne. Ruthie pressures a little Muslim girl into defying her religion and wearing make-up and obsessing over boys with her. Ruthie's boyfriend pressures her into being in an "exclusive relationship," because a girl is pressuring him to go to party and he can't say no on his own. Get it? There's pressure.

Sorority Boys - Frat brothers Barry Watson, Michael Rosenbaum, and the rapidly aging Harland Williams dress as women and live in a sorority house, thereby making the show Bosom Buddies seem creative and intriguing by comparison.

Gabrielle Come Blow Your Horn - RevCam is still laid up, but domestic help comes in the form of Phyllis Diller, playing a housekeeper. Irony, thy name is SevHev. Also, Lucy misunderstands something and gets really mad at Kevin, and Simon is steamed because Cecilia has a hot French boyfriend. You like French guys?

The Heart Of The Matter - While Eric undergoes open-heart surgery, his vile family (and assorted hangers-on) gather at the hospital and pretend to offer their support. In actuality, they're all obsessed with their own petty, selfish little concerns. If Eric were smart, he'd fake his own death and ditch this entire pack of losers.

The Enemy Within - Ben reads Lucy's diary, and it puts him to sleep. Mary keeps in touch from off-camera. Captain Smith's father the real estate mogul, played by Pat Boone, shows up and upsets the Camdens. Ruthie takes a bullet for interspecies relationship rights.

Monkey Business Deux (2) - Everyone agrees not to speak to Mary about Captain Jack, but they do anyway. This causes her to move to Ft. Lauderdale with him and basically leave the show temporarily. Simon's dating service gets shut down, but not without a potential paternity suit on the way.

Monkey Business (1) - Mary finds an older boyfriend, and everyone gets on her case because of it. Kevin and Lucy fight like mad, but, unfortunately, they don't kill each other. Simon becomes a paid escort, and Lucy unveils the ugliest hairstyle known to man.

Holy War, Part I - RevCam and Rabbi Richard conspire to ruin their children's wedding, while Mary turns down the chance to have a wedding of her own. Disaster is averted as Lucy finds a date for the reception just in time.

The Known Soldier - The real-life story of a Marine's tragic death in Afghanistan is detailed in a tedious, trite, and unwatchable form. Thank you, Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. Brenda Hampton? Not so much.

Letting Go - RevCam needs to learn the importance of letting go of his children so they can live their own lives. Brenda obliges by creating an episode that's so saccharine and theme-heavy that it nearly causes Cate to "let go" of her lunch.

The Ring - Dopey gives his whiny bride an engagement ring as fake as their engagement. Mary gets back together with hunky firefighter Ben, while Lucy harasses airline security personnel and gets with Ben's equally hunky brother.

I Really Did - Dopey's married, though the jury's still out on whether he's given the bride his flower. He and Mrs. Dopey lie like demons to their respective families, telling everyone that they're merely engaged. Simon and Lucy get a little too close for anyone's comfort.

I Really Do - Dopey meets the new orderly, and proposes to her within twenty-four hours. Everyone else spends the majority of the episode at the front window of the CamPound, staring out into the street, just waiting for Dopey to come home. It's because they miss his scintillating conversation, obviously.

Drunk - Alcohol is very, very bad. Simon proves it by getting drunk and sloppy, though the fact that he hurls all over Dopey's car sends us mixed messages about the "bad" part. Lucy doesn't even have to drink to prove that alcohol is evil. She does it all just by setting foot in a bar. Bad alcohol. Bad, bad.

Suspicion - Everyone pitches in to help this week's Tertiary Character In Need: a Muslim girl who's being hassled by bigots. Annie harbors the delusion that her children are making the world a better place.

Consideration - Aided and abetted by Grandpa, Simon leads the cops on a low-speed car chase around town. Jeremy demands his engagement ring back from Lucy. Mary wants the local fire chief to hire her, but he's not stupid enough to comply.

Lost - Robbie solicits RevCam's advice about his pathetic relationship with Joy. Later, he'll ask for Eric's help in finding Joy's missing brother. Lucy and Mary ask for the CamRents' help in finding them husbands. Dopey and Simon ask to use the twins as props while trying to pick up girls.

Ay Carumba - Robbie has to tell his new girlfriend's parents that he's in love with her. The fact that he's only been dating her a week makes that even more ridiculous. The rest of the characters apologize to each other incessantly, although the viewers are still waiting for an apology from the writers who turn out this drivel.

Prodigal - Mary's return is welcomed by no one but Annie, who takes abusiveness to a new level by banishing the rest of the kids to the unfinished garage apartment. It's pretty fun watching everyone snub Mary, though.

Broken - Simon rescues an ex from a potentially disastrous relationship; Robbie helpfully explains the difference between lust and love to Lucy; and Dopey does his limited best to help a Tertiary Character In Need. Did Cate forget to mark off Male Superiority Week on her calendar?

Relationships - Robbie moves forward in his quest to date all the Camdens by embarking on a relationship with Lucy. Dopey and Cheryl break up. Annie gives some bad advice that gets her in trouble with a student's parents. And it goes without saying that the theme mallet is wielded with gleeful abandon.

Sympathy - Despite the CamFam's best efforts to meddle in his life, Simon decides to date a pregnant girl. A dorky carpenter threatens to sue the Camdens when he falls off a ladder. Everyone acts vile toward each other, and the theme of the week may have been mentioned once or twice.

Changes - It's all a lie. Nothing much has changed. Dopey has a new job almost identical to his old one. Mary is still in Buffalo. Lucy's back home and single. And everyone is still annoying beyond belief. Oh, Annie is going through menopause, but nobody cares about that anyway.

Are (2) - Well, all except one: will Mary move to New York with Wilson or stay in Glenoak with Robbie? That's the slack-jawed freeze-frame decision we're left to ponder. Everyone else gets a tidy story-arc ending that will probably be rescinded in next season's premiere.

Chances (1) - The CamRents consider cheating on each other. Mary makes Robbie think she's cheated on him with Lucy's fiance. Yes, fiance. Matt may finally get a chance to get it on. And Simon and Deena do some interacting that no cares about.

Apologize - Mary has dinner with her old boyfriend Wilson, and everyone makes a big freaking deal about it. Then some girl named Marie shows up, and she's supposed to look like Mary, so Mary makes a big deal about that. The whole world hinges on phone calls to and from Mary, and we suddenly learn that the Camdens really want Mary to come home, but that she's stubborn, so she won't. The Camden world swirls violently and makes the recapper more disoriented than she usually is on Monday nights.

Crazy - A psychiatric evaluation allows Dopey to demonstrate his modest position in the food chain. Of course, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree: Annie finds something incredibly stupid to obsess over, while RevCam harasses a terminally ill man. At least Mary's nowhere to be seen.

One Hundred - Annie takes charge of Johnny's life when he leaves his baby on her doorstep. Lucy solves Mike's problems and cures his mother's catatonia. Matt helps an elderly woman overcome the stress of waiting for mastectomy results.

Surprise! - It's Christmas time and no one cares about Mary anymore. She's not home to share a turkey with the other heavenly six, and Ruthie won't take her calls. Maybe if she'd put on some more eye shadow.

Tunes - Simon tries to be a bad boy; Ruthie struggles to understand why Lucy may not be the best fashion role model; and John finally receives his own plotline, which turns out to be not a very good thing after all.

Blind - That's what you'll be if you witness Simon's sad attempts to become "manlier," or Dopey's peculiar triangular 'burns, or Rachel's dreadful excuse for acting, or...well, just about anything else in this episode.

Help - The prof attempts a little stand-up routine but it fails miserably. He fares a bit better at hammering home this scene's Important Message, which is that one must study hard in order to be a doctor.

Love Stinks, Part II - This episode picks up right where last week's left off, with Mary trying to convince the CamRents that it is a good idea for her to move in with Robbie. Hee! I can't blame her for trying, but even Mary can't be so dense as to think her parents actually will go for this plan.

Liar, Liar - Those wacky WB promo producers are having fun with the teasers again, trying to make us believe that not only are the Camdens "one of America's favourite families" but also that they are about to be "exposed" in a "Camden family scandal."

Hoop Dreams - I wonder if I'm up to the challenge of raising my sons with morals in this nation, which has sadly lost sight of the family values that you and I hold dear. I'm glad to have a beacon in the storm. That beacon is 7th Heaven.

Words - My VCR broke right after I taped the show for my last summary. (Well, yes, my son did put a toy into the tape slot. However, Im convinced that he wouldnt have done so had the show not cursed us beforehand.)

Dirty Laundry - RevCam doesn't give his usual little welcome before the episode begins. He's in his office, actually. It looks like he just needed a break from his family, or else he's busy surfing some porn on his laptop.

Come Drive With Me - RevCam needs a raise from the church to pay for the Camdens' new electric van. Ruthie gets it for him with her moppety goodness. The rest of the Camdens get themselves involved in boring, time-filling subplots.

The Tattle Tale Heart - SuperMom tries to convince him to fix up the garage and live there, but Matt is not having it. He tells SuperMom to talk to the hand, and shakes his booty outta there in quite a hurry.

The Tribes That Bind - While Lucy's away at Camp Silent Treatment, the rest of the CamKids interact with two families that are infinitely cooler than their own. RevCam's female parishioners use Annie's involuntary baby shower to snoop around the house. And since no episode would be complete without Brenda Hampton's Special Lesson, RevCam fights a racist restaurant in the counterproductive and annoying way that only he can.

Let's Talk About Sex - What happens when 7th Heaven appropriates the title of a Salt-n-Pepa song and uses it for its own evil purposes? More of the same, actually: RevCam helps people, Simon tries to babysit Ruthie, Lucy wants to have sex with her lame boyfriend, Mary breaks the rules, Annie makes friends, and Matt runs around saving his sisters' precious, precious virtue. Spinderella does not appear in this episode.

No Sex, Some Drugs, And A Little Rock And Roll - Hey, hey, they're RevCam's old high school band, and one of their members used to be on The Monkees. How the mighty have fallen. Mary's friend falls, too, into basketball's dangerous underworld of ephedrine "addiction." And Sara falls asleep while trying to recap this garbage.

Like A Harlot - Everyone's promiscuous in this episode: the monkeys that Simon watches get it on, Matt's prom date, Simon's little friends who score hot dates with his dumb sisters, and Snappy the Stegosaurus, who will kiss anyone's ass.

Stuck In The Middle With You - In this second-season classic, Annie's dad shows up sporting a bad toupee and an even worse attitude; Lucy keeps two subhuman boys hanging while she tries to choose between them; Matt spies creepily; Ruthie subplotzes annoyingly; RevCam poisons a handful of marriages at his counseling session.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Everyone gets involved in this Season Two classic! The CamRents call upon themselves to save Simon's slumber party buddy from his sister's gangbanging ways, whether the girl's real parents want them to or not. Other, lamer subplots explore Lucy's need to express herself as a person with no sense of fashion, Matt's role as the domineering do-gooder older brother, Ruthie's annoyingness, and Mary's inability to play even the most basic of children's games. Not too much has changed between then and now, really.

Choices - RevCam's former associate pastor comes to town with a secret, and the CamRents do a half-assed job of trying to ferret it out. Speaking of ferrets, Simon and Ruthie buy some. Felicity's Keri Russell convinces Mary to sneak out to a frat party. Dopey becomes more repugnant.

In The Blink Of An Eye - RevCam and Mary do their best to scare away Lucy's date with their folk-singing duet. Dopey's charity work is not what one would call successful. Annie and her parents celebrate Airport Appreciation Week.

Anything You Want (Pilot) - And what do they all want? Simon wants a dog. He makes sure we know that by telling us so at least three thousand times. Lucy wants to get her period. RevCam wants Dopey to cut his hair. And Mary wants Dopey to teach her how to kiss. Cate just wants to know how a show that started off so well in its pilot episode has gone so far downhill.