Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Since my last several posts have been somewhat dark and depressing, I have decided to lighten up a little bit today. I’m going to try something I have seen others bloggers do but have never tried myself. I’m going to look at some of the oddest search terms that people have used to find their way to my blog.

People keep finding me while searching for wrestler AJ Lee. But they aren’t just searching for her name. They look for “AJ Lee ass,”” AJ Lee boobs,” “AJ Lee string,” ”AJ Lee bikini boobs,” and so on. If anyone reading this blog wants to assume that I look anything like AJ Lee, please feel free to do so. You will be disappointed if we ever meet face-to-face, but fantasize all you like.

I’m not sure if these searches end up here because of the “AJ” or because I mentioned Ms. Lee in one post when I talked about the fact that my pen name used to be AJ Lee back in the 1980’s, but I changed it when the other one became so famous.

The word “boobs” seems to bring a lot of people to my blog as well, along with a few interesting variations: “Chi chi boobies,” “chi chis,” “hooters,” “oh my boobies” and my personal favorite, “boobies goo.” What in the hell was that guy looking for?

I’ve written a couple of posts about fanfiction; specifically, I explored the unsettling trends of Real Person Fiction and something called “whumpage,” which explains search terms like “big time rush fanfiction kidnap” or “criminal minds fanfiction Reid suffered.” But I’m seriously creeped out by the fact that people are coming to my blog after searching for terms like “r5 incest,” “ross lynch gay fantasy” or “whipping boy whump tumblr pic.” And let’s not forget about “emma watson gives tom felton a blow job backstage.”

And while I’m being seriously creeped out, what is up with the people looking for sexual stories about an aunt? Is this some kind of fetish of which I have been unaware? “I fucked my sleeping aunt when I was a kid story,” and “True to life stories my bored aunt give me a handjob and blowjob while im asleep.”

Say it with me now: Ewww.

If you are finding my blog while looking for these terms, just move along. Better yet, stop looking for these terms. Get help.

Randolph Mantooth and his character Johnny Gage show up fairly often in my list of search terms. I understand that. I’ve had a crush on him since I was about six years old, so I talk about him here almost as much as I talk about Toblerone. Which, surprisingly, has never brought a single person to my blog.

No less than five people have found me by searching for “whippoorwill’s ass.” Seriously.

Some of the searches have been oddly specific: “what was the name of the candy store in Saugatuck” and “Armstrong farm, corners of M-43 & M-40.”

I’m gratified to see just how many times people have found my blog because they are actually looking for it. “AJGoode,” “A Good One,” “Her House Divided,” and so on. That’s a bit of a relief, actually, although a good chunk of those searches were probably done by people I know who wanted to find out if I ever mention them in my blog.

Yes, ObnoxioMom, I still talk about you. Now go put a normal football helmet on your son with the unique head and stop trying to figure out if I ever mention your real name. I don’t.

I’m mystified that people have found my blog when searching for “ass.” Just the one word, all by itself. Ass. Not “Great ass,” although “Bigass” is understandable and has brought in many a searcher, thanks to my post about living in The Land of Bigass Denial. Not even “AJ Goode is acting like an ass,” which I could take in stride because sometimes I do indeed act like an ass. It’s one of my charms.

The search for “gaysex bringasan” has me baffled. What, exactly, was this person looking for and why did they end up here? “Raccoon coffee” is another odd one, as is “red letter days wolfman.” I have no idea what to make of “my husband airs our dirty laundry to our mutual friends.” What about “silhouette by a dumpster” and “fat person short hair? Did that last one pop up under “images” with my profile picture? If so, it’s time to grow the hair out, but only because that’s so much easier than losing weight.

I have to wonder how some of the people feel when their searches bring them here. I mean, if someone is looking for “written smoking erotica” or “sex stories/mommy incest stories” and they end up on my Mother’s Day letter to my mother, there’s got to be a certain level of disappointment.

I don’t want to know about the ones looking for “whippoorwill’s ass.” I really don’t.