Real Men have Sideburns

90% of all betesticled anime characters look like girls. Many have six-pack abs yet act like complete pussies. Only one part of the body never lies: sideburns. In this dark age of androgyny and pedophilia, sideburns are the only reliable indicator of manliness. Thick, thin, long, short, neat, sloppy, straight, tapered—as long as you have sideburns, you are a man.

Rugged manly

Iron-manly

Smooth manly

Suave manly

Gruff manly

Nabeshin manly

Progressively manlier from right to left

Award-winning manly

Speedo manly

Epic manly

The manliest sideburns in the universe

The only real-life Japanese man I’ve ever seen with sideburns just so happens to be their best baseball player. Coincidence? I think not.

But Baka-Raptor, what about beards?

Beards are manly, but sideburns are manlier. Just ask Peter the Great, who implemented a beard tax as part of his scheme to modernize Russia. Sideburns were exempt.

But Baka-Raptor, what about dinosaurs?

I present to you X. Drake, a badass dinosaur-pirate so manly I’m almost tempted to give One Piece a fourth chance.

But Baka-Raptor, what about lesbians?

Even lesbians recognize the vital contribution of sideburns to the human anatomy.

Of course, men don’t haveto have sideburns. And of course, men could always end up looking like Watanuki.

Current Status: Just good enough to tap into my 108-post draft folder and finish off some of the quicker ones.

Here are but a few ways your life will change once you grow sideburns:

– Women will adore you (though they may be too intimidated to approach you)
– Men will respect you
– Criminals and wild animals will avoid you, unless you’re hunting them, in which case they’d be honored to die by your hand
– Withered plants will once again bloom as you walk past them
– You’ll save on shaving cream

That’s because sideburns do help you in battle. They’re scientifically proven to help with balance, camouflage, and impact absorption. A real man wouldn’t be vain enough to shave himself into a disadvantage.

Tokiha Takumi and Tate Yuuichi, BOTH of the most major male characters in Mai-HiME are the most worthless, bitchy, pussy-ass characters in the show, routinely dominated by the performances of the kick-ass babes. Takumi in particular is known for being the bitch in his relationship with Akira and Yuuichi is just a bitch all-around.

First of all, Takumi doesn’t have sideburns. The hair drooping in front of his ears clearly originates around eyebrow level.

Now, Yuuichi, he definitely has sideburns. Very nice sideburns I must add. And yes, the girls are the stars of the show. But Yuuichi acts as a source of stability to Mai and Shiho while they turn emo. That’s a manly role. I never disliked Yuuichi. Whenever I get around to rewatching Mai Hime, I’ll take closer look at him to make sure he’s legit.

I’ll be shocked if I don’t give One Piece another chance at some point. My best friend from college loves One Piece, and we usually share the same taste in anime. There are parts of the show I really like. It’s the parts where they clown around and do all kinds of stupid shit that keep me from taking the show seriously.

This is what I call a foundational post. If there’s a topic I bring up fairly often, like mountain training or robots with feelings, I’ll write a post about it to explain my position. That way I can just link back to the post if anyone ever bitches about it. “Baka-Raptor, what’s so great about sideburns?” Read the post.

By this standard, shouldn’t Inuyasha be the manliest off all? you could braid his fuckin sideburns!

This was a great post, because I have sideburns. Had I not had sideburns, I probably would’ve cried from this posts (after all, I’d be a huge pussy). Time to go eat a raw steak and drink a large, dark beer.

I endorse Sideburn Endorsement Posts.
As much as I love my Sideburns the Shaving them symmetrically part took a real learning curve. I cant remember how long I ran around with crappy sideburns after I ditched the Golgo-Style and went advanced.

Truer words have not been spoken. It’s a well known fact in character design that if you want to make any character seem more “manly” or “rugged” sideburns will do the trick. Maybe even a little stubble and a wider set jaw.

My barber cut off my sideburns before I could even realise what’s happening – now I feel like I’ve only got 1 of my balls left. Today I have been robbed of my manhood. This must be the worst day of my life untill now Q.Q

I call Bullshit on side burns being more manly than beards, for any man can grow side burns but it takes a true manly man to grow a beard. I’ve had side burns, I do admit that sideburns complement your manliness but only a beard states “I am MAN Fear my Manliness!!!” As an experiment I decided to shave my beard completely off after having it for two years. The results: My chin felt cold and naked as though I needed a sweater for my head to warm my face and to hide the shame of wronging my beard. Have you ever noticed that whenever sideburns connect to your beard it’s still referred to as just a beard? I rest my case… next topic where did all the mustaches go!!!