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Apr 28 THIRTEEN EXPERIMENTS INVOLVING PARROTS

There exists an incantation which, if uttered properly, can duplicate the mind and body of whosoever dares to utter it. There exists another, similar in nature, which allows one’s own reflection to be drawn out of any mirror. Lastly, there is one which causes a perfect opposite of the self to appear in juxtaposition with the original, causing both to immediately cease to exist.

As it turns out, all three of these incantations can be learned by parrots.

In the early 1980s, an experiment was carried out by skilled sorcerers who recorded these spells on vinyl records. They began by dictating the stanzas of each of the three aforementioned incantations into a microphone out of sequence to avoid actually casting them. These recorded segments were then rearranged so as to be magically correct, allowing the complete spell to be played back in its entirety on a phonograph. Because the machine lacked the spark of life, no magical effects came of this playback.

In the first experiment, the duplication spell was played repeatedly for an African gray parrot, which eventually recited the incantation in its entirety. The result was as one might expect; a second parrot appeared directly next to the previous. This second parrot also remembered the spell, however, and squawked it out in its entirety as well, producing a third. In a matter of minutes, there were thirty parrots fluttering about the room, and their numbers were increasing exponentially.

In the second experiment, the nullification spell was played for this growing cloud of parrots. Birds which could only be described as being “the opposite of gray” briefly flashed into being. Then, one by one, each parrot disappeared into a firework of feathers until none remained.

In the third experiment, the reflection spell was played for another African gray parrot. Eventually, the bird learned and recited the incantation, at which point an identical parrot emerged from a mirror on the opposite side of the room. Lacking a voice of its own, this duplicate bird was unable to recite the spell as those in the first experiment had, resulting in a much slower, linear rate of multiplication.

In the fourth experiment, a nullification spell was played for the room of parrots produced by the third. Only the original was actually able to learn and recite the spell, leaving the rest to confusedly flutter about after its disappearance. The only way to remove these clones from the laboratory was to release them through a window, resulting in their dissolution into the sunlight beyond.

In the fifth experiment, a rainbow macaw was taught each of the aforementioned spells, and further, was recorded uttering all three. Once the room was cleared of macaws produced by this, the recording of the macaw’s duplication spell was then played for an African gray parrot. Eventually, the subject learned and recited the incantation, at which point another rainbow macaw fluttered into being ex nihilo, rather than another African gray. These macaws also produced additional macaws.

In the sixth experiment, the reflection spell uttered by a macaw was played for an African gray parrot. Once the subject finally recited the spell, another African gray emerged rather than a rainbow macaw, as its reflection had remained unaltered. The mirror could not be fooled in such a manner.

In the seventh experiment, an African gray parrot was played the recording of a macaw reciting the nullification spell. Once uttered, birds which were the opposite of macaws erupted from the nothingness, coated in a brilliant darkness that had never before been seen. With no opposites to destroy them, they fluttered about freely. The duplication spell was hurriedly introduced to the room to prevent an overabundances of anti-macaws. Once both spells were in circulation, a stable system of opposing species eventually emerged.

In the eighth experiment, a macaw was recorded with a video camera while uttering the duplication spell. While the macaw itself was duplicated in real life, this replication did not take place on the recording. This is because the macaw shown within was actually a mirror image due to the camera’s inner workings.

In the ninth experiment, a macaw was recorded with a video camera while uttering the reflection spell. A second macaw then erupted from the camera’s lens. In the resultant recording, the perch on which the bird rested was entirely empty, as though nothing had happened at all.

In the tenth experiment, a macaw was recorded with a video camera while uttering the nullification spell. While the real bird disappeared after chanting the incantation, in the recording, it continued to exist, squawking out the words over and over in defiant repetition.

In the eleventh experiment, a macaw was shown the footage from the eighth experiment on repeat until it learned the spell. The subsequent recitation did nothing, just like the recording.

In the twelfth experiment, a macaw was shown the footage from the tenth experiment on repeat until it learned the spell. The results were the same as those of experiment eleven.

In the thirteenth experiment, an African gray parrot was left all alone in the laboratory room, with no recordings playing at all, as an arbitrary step to establish scientific control. After about an hour, without warning, this parrot recited the nullification spell and ceased to exist.