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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Girl Like Her Adoption Movie Review

Ann Fessler’s documentary, A Girl Like Her, revisits America
in the 50’s and 60’s to explore the experience of single women who became
pregnant then. Fessler blends the women’s own stories in their own words with
50’s- and 60’s-era sex education videos. The documentary is uncomfortable to
watch. The sex education videos blatantly assign full responsibility for
physicality in relationships to women; the women interviewed express that their
parents reacted very poorly when they learned of their daughters’ pregnancies.
One father called his daughter a whore. One mother “treated it like her own
personal tragedy.” One family moved “so no one would know.” One religious
leader told a mother that her baby would be “stuck in purgatory” unless she
allowed an adoption. Some were forced to choose between relinquishing their
baby or being ostracized from their family of origin. Their words are powerful.
One explained, “I didn’t give him away. He was taken. He was never meant to be
a gift.” Another related, “I felt like I had no choice.” One says, “No matter
how many children you have, this emptiness is still there. Trauma attaches
itself to you in a way that’s hard to undo.” Some women reported a sense of
shame that followed them their whole life; one never even told her husband
about the child she had earlier in life. One woman said, “You never get over
this.” Fessler’s documentary captures the cruelty that was experienced by many
pregnant women in this era, and the pain they experienced. It’s not easy to
watch.

It’s also difficult to see reflections of the approaches
that adoption agencies utilized. One clip shares that “only children in good
health are offered [for adoption so that they bring] happiness, not burden.”
Another professional explains a desire to reserve “brighter children for
[mentally] superior families.”

I think it is worth seeing, for prospective adoptive
parents, though. There seems to be a widely-held misconception that adoptions
have historically been closed and secretive. Some people pursuing adoption do
so with a sense of entitlement to a child with no attachment to his or her
birthfamily. This film is helpful because it shows where these expectations may
have come from.

If you’ve spent time on adoption blogs, you’ve probably read
the words of some people who have been hurt by adoption and who are generally
quite strongly opposed to it. Watching A
Girl Like Her might be a safe way to understand where they’re coming from.

The film focuses on coercion, pain and loss. There aren’t
really any happy stories. It’s not balanced within itself. But it can be part
of a balanced film-based education for people pursuing adoption.

Recommendation

This is worth seeing if you’re considering adoption. Please
especially think about seeing it if you’ve never considered an open adoption.
It’s best-aimed at adults. It will be especially painful (but possibly
affirming) viewing for parents who have relinquished children.

Questions for
Discussion

What do you imagine about the parents of the child you will
adopt (or have already adopted?)

What’s the difference between “finding a family for a child”
and “finding a child for a family?”

Thanks for the sites, Mary. I'll check them out. I appreciate the chance to learn more. I'm sorry for the coercion you experienced. Like Barbara says in her comment, the coercion still happens today and it needs to stop.

You want a balanced approach? Then don't take babies from perfectly good mothers. It is still happening today, the marketing is just slicker. This movie is painful to watch because it shows the heartache of the mother. Ann Fessler came from a very happy adoptive home - she didn't have an agenda to show only one side. Sadly when you lose a child, unless you are part of the 10% that really don't want to parent, there is no happy ending.

Thanks for your comment, Barbara. I'm sorry for the pain you experienced. I have come across agencies that are coercive, and it is painful to see that they still operate that way. I hope that there are some agencies that aren't that way. Thanks again for your insight.