Men's Rights

I don't know how "separate but equal" ever turned into superior, but I never bought it.

After years of taking a beating by women and the feminist movement, it seems like men are finally starting to stand up for themselves again. After years of accepting every negative stereotype about the male species -- otherwise how could they ever get a date? -- men are fighting back. And it's about time.

I don't know how "separate but equal" ever turned into superior, but I never bought it. Each gender has its strengths and weaknesses. We can learn from each other. We can celebrate the differences. We can grow together. Why do we have to prove that one is better than the other?

Not only is that perspective inconsistent with my experience (anyone who has ever been a victim of the cattiness and back-stabbing of women, especially when it comes to dating, recognizes the myth of those loving bonds of sisterhood), I think it's inconsistent with Judaism as well. It's inconsistent with the plan of a loving Father. As parents, all of our children differ from each other and we love them all in different ways. There is no ranking along a scale. We applaud their unique strengths and we deplore their individual weaknesses.

Likewise with the Almighty. He created us all with the same, powerful love. He loves us all with the same, powerful love. He may tailor our tests and commitments to suit our particular talent and skill sets, but no one is superior to another. The Jewish people as a nation composed of 12 tribes would not be able to exist in harmony were such a system to be adopted.

People who feel confident with themselves don't need to constantly assert their superiority over others.

Someone forgot to tell the men that the gig was up. They're still trying to be that feminized man. And women don't want them.

The irony here is that as men have gradually adopted the emasculated view of themselves promoted by women's marches and magazines, as they've accepted their own inferiority and kowtowed to all the demands of the females in their lives, women find them less appealing.

Women have become even more critical of men than they were in the pre-feminist days. Male-bashing is a regular sport at all-female get-togethers and more homes are being run by unmarried women than ever in history.

Why are so many women dissatisfied with today's man? Why are so many men confused about who they are or who they should be and therefore just running away from it all?

I have a suggestion. In the heyday of the women's liberation movement, the goal was for women to be more like men -- tougher and more aggressive, and for men to be more like women --sensitive and more passive. Fairly quickly, women realized they were mistaken in their goals. They didn't want to be more like men; they just wanted recognition for the value of their uniquely feminine traits.

But someone forgot to tell the men that the gig was up. They're still trying to be that feminized man. And women don't want them.

Women are more successful in school, earning higher incomes, holding down steadier jobs. The men are bewildered, aimless and, perhaps understandably, commitment-phobic.

What's wrong with this picture? What women really want is a man they can respect. And even more, despite their accomplishments, despite their intellectual achievements, women want men to be the leader. Ask any honest women; she'll tell you it's true. Women want someone to lean on; someone who'll check the house if there's a suspicious noise in the night, someone to kill the bugs (actually that would be me!), someone to change the light bulbs, someone to take ultimate responsibility for the direction and well-being of the family, someone to say, "The buck stops here."

And men want to play that role. They desperately need to be respected and respectable. If a man doesn't feel respected or deserving of respect, he may run away from his responsibilities (a paradox that is certainly at the root of some deadbeat dads). The obligation (send child support) without the respect ("this is your father") is just too painful. It goes right to the heart.

While some may argue that this delineation of roles was only an evolutionary phenomenon because women were dependent on men for food and shelter, I would counter that today's woman needs it more.

The more responsibilities women have, the more we need someone else to help us shoulder the burden and to sometimes lift it off our shoulders. The more education we have, the more we need someone wiser to speak to. The more accomplishments we have, the more we need someone else to look up to -- to give us strength, to take us out of ourselves, to give us comfort, vision and hope.

Some of us are afraid to acknowledge this desire for fear it gives permission, God forbid, for abuse. The fact that a troubled few may distort an idea to suit their perverse purposes is a condemnation of the people, not the idea. Certainly there are challenges to being an effective leader. A man's job is to rise to these challenges (and ours is to tell him when he's not!).

It's time to restore men to their proper roles in society, to grant them also the separate but equal status they deserve. Teachers and parents know that children's behavior is shaped by the external expectations imposed on them. High expectations more frequently lead to higher results. Our sons and husbands also merit high expectations. They can measure up. But we need to give them a fighting chance.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 32

(31)
Katrinaandgirls,
July 10, 2006 12:00 AM

I agree that to truely love a man, a women MUST be able to respect and honor him. If she doesn't respect him (or can't respect him because he doesn't insist upon self respect as a man) the woman will walk all over him and then secretly despise him! I know this to be true in my own heart.

Men truely do NEED to be admired, respected and loved, no hen pecked or bullied by the women's greatest tool.....the art of manipulation and guilt. I agree that if women would let the man lead more that they would be pleasantly surprized by the results....just like when a woman trusts her man and shows that trust the man will usually show himself exactly that......trustworthy and live up to what is expected of him as she honors him. Jewish men ARE sensitive and loving because the wonderful mothers that have taught them and raised them to have those instilled qualities......women need to thank their lucky stars more for what you have. lol I liked this article and agree with every point made! Don't EVER give any woman your dignity or self respect or you will lose yourself, pride in yourself AND the women you so love!

(30)
Joe,
February 12, 2006 12:00 AM

Real men like a capable mate

I would respectfully suggest, that there may be some women who like to have the responsibility of thinking and being creative removed from what is expected of them. That is not the "woman of valor" that we sing about every shabbos. She is one capable lady. Many women hate her because the Jewish ideal "has it all."

I mean it really *is* easier to be submissive and to whine when not feeling properly pampered, where the most stimulating talk is about challa recipes. Some weak men dig that in a mate. She's easy to control and won't ever really challenge him to grow. At best she'll nag him to study a bit more, but not ever join in meaningfully on what he's studied.

Of course, a full blown partenership between equals is something that requires more kishkas. Unfortunately, there are some men who just can't take it when their spouse is just as smart or resposible as he is. Unfortunatley, many men could not handle being married to a surgeon who makes life and death descisions on a daily basis. They are too insecure for that.

It is not that my future wife the *theoretical physicist* is mannish or un-feminine. Rather, she is brilliant, and capable, and she will make a great help-mate wife and mother too. Frankly, the awful stereotype that *you* are proposing is a pathway to having weak women and nebbish men who can only handle a whiny princess. A real woman would send them crying to mommy. And that same real woman would show how meaningless, shallow and whiny your "old fashioned" girls are.

(29)
Anonymous,
February 10, 2006 12:00 AM

Response to May Kra

What a one sided story you present!!
You write: "The husbands? They are either divorced and don't want anything to do with their children, or unemployed who are depressed and can't/will not look for a job. How many men you know who could cope with such a situation? But women cope, because they haven't got a choice. It seems to me that they feel more responsible for their kids."
I will tell you: Many women feel that the kids are more theirs then their husbnds. Many will lie and take advantage of a completely corrupt american family court system and get custody of the kids when they deserve that no more than their husbands.
It is sometimes to painfull to continue the relationship.How many women would be able to cope with that situation? But men cope because they must.It seems tome that fathers care more for the kids as the women are knocking fathers out of the picture (except for every other weekend. Thanks but no thanks.)
As far as depression and not looking for a job: Listen there are depressed women and those who demand every lastest
fasion and make their supposed loved ones lives miserable until they get what they want. Get with the program!! there are advantage takers on BOTH sides.
It would be nice if your view wasn't so one sided

(28)
Michael vL,
February 10, 2006 12:00 AM

The truth has been finally told

I am a divorced father of two. After 8 years I have never given up on my family, and have paid out 50 to 75% or more of my income to support them. But my children have forgotten their father's name. My ex is still looking for the last pound of flesh. During the last ten years I have spent much time working in Asia and have discovered that all women have not lost their identity as caring and supporting partners to their husbands and that men have kept their promises as the strong head of household who keeps their wives feeling secure. I am afraid that so long as Hollywood keeps reflecting men as bumbling fools who can't make decisions and are more brawn then brains, and women as sophisticated beauties, women and men will go through their lives in America going to bed alone and cold at night, with no smile to greet them in the morning.

(27)
Menashe,
February 9, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank You!!!

A B S O L U T E L Y B R I L L I A N T !!!

(26)
Anonymous,
February 9, 2006 12:00 AM

There is too much empasis on "difference."

I wish I could have written this sooner but my schedule did not allow it! My husband and I recently had an arugment on the "differences" between men and women. I hold that they are far less important that the differences between individuals of either sex and that if we treated each person as unique and with respect, the differences between the sexes in general would take on far less importance.

All people are entitled to the opportunity to try to realize their dreams. If a woman is strong enough to be a firefighter and trains hard to pass the tests, good for her! If a woman is a stay at home mom, good for her, too. both women work hard. They are just different.

We must choose our own paths and find our own happiness. We should not have to fit steriotypes. A true feminist respects all men and women who make honorable choices. We are not alike because we are women; we are not alike because we are men. We are unique because we are humans! Men and women need to treat each other with kindness and respect. We need to be fair. That would solve so many problems.

(25)
May Kra,
February 8, 2006 12:00 AM

Are you joking?

I could hardly believe that this article was not some kind of joke. Women are not naturally superior- but sometimes they have to be- I know many women who are the father and the mother, the breadwinner and the housewife. The husbands? They are either divorced and don't want anything to do with their children, or unemployed who are depressed and can't/will not look for a job. How many men you know who could cope with such a situation? But women cope, because they haven't got a choice. It seems to me that they feel
More responsible for their kids.
I am not a feminist- never wanted to be like men, or have a powerful position, but I most certainly don't look for a husband who will be my "leader": I can change light bulbs perfectly well, and in my home, it is my mother who kills the bugs!

(24)
Ariella,
February 8, 2006 12:00 AM

Sarah's notes

Just as some women indulge in man-bashing, both men and women like to indulge in feminist bashing, resorting to the logical fallacy of beating a straw man rather than confronting the real issues that the liberation movement attempts to address. Hats off to Sarah for her response.

(23)
Anonymous,
February 8, 2006 12:00 AM

good but

How can you say that men should be 'restored' to an 'equal' position so that women can have someone "wiser" to look up to?

(22)
Marion,
February 8, 2006 12:00 AM

Separate but Equal is a Sham!

Ms. Braverman writes:

"After years of taking a beating by women and the feminist movement, it seems like men are finally starting to stand up for themselves again"

Men are NOT taking a beating from women and the feminist movement.

In most of the world, the sad truth is that women are taking beatings -- quite literally -- from men.

The United Nations has documented that violence against women is pervasive in the form of domestic violence, female genital mutilation, bride burnings, honor killings and in myriad ways large and small.

Men of good will do NOT feel beaten by the core humanist message of the feminist movement.

They embrace and welcome it because it is consistent with the Jewish imperative to seek peace and pursue justice.

(21)
Sarah,
February 7, 2006 12:00 AM

It Has Nothing To Do With "Separate But Equal"

The "women's lib" movement came about because of millenia of so many, many, women being abused, treated like chattel, and second class citizens (if they were lucky).

It did not come about to kick men out of the picture, or to try to make women seem superior to men. That is male-type thinking, this "superiority" idea of one over the other, not female thinking, not even among women's libbers.

The idea was to free women from being completely and totally dependent on men for their basic needs such as food, shelter, clothing, and providing for their children. Such a way of life provides carte blanche for abuse and women being treated as property by men, trapped by not being able to take care of themselves and their children in those cases.

THAT is why the women's lib movement came into being, and for THESE reasons, it is quite legitimate.

Emuna, I suggest that you start volunteering at a women's shelter asap so that you may educate yourself on what happens to women when they are uneducated, unable to make enough money to support themselves and their children should they need it, and unable to free themselves from horrible situations.

I don't know of any women who are secure in themselves and their identity who want to be "superior" to men - that's not the idea at all.

Neither gender is "superior" to the other. Rather, each has particular talents and gifts that are to be brought into a marriage, cherished and respected.

The idea behind women's lib was for women to be able to receive a higher education and then be able to earn the same wages as men in the case that they are doing the very same jobs. It has nothing to do with wanting to be "superior to men". Rather, it has everything to do with needing to be able to stand on their own two feet to be able to take care of their children and themselves.

Right now women earn only 75% of what men make, even while employed in the same professions! This is wrong, and if the woman finds herself in an abusive situation and needs to save herself and her children, she won't be able to. Poverty is a downhill slope for crime, bad education, and hopelessness for children.

Now, as for the issue of how some women treat their husbands, I agree, it is horrible. I've known women who constantly belittle their husbands, ordering them around like two year olds and undercutting their self-esteem every chance they get.

In short, these particular women have absolutely no respect for their husbands. I wonder how much love does someone, male or female, have for their spouse if they would do this? This has got to stop.

If you do not have love and respect for your husband, or husband for your wife, as a human being with all his good qualities, then either learn how, or the couple shouldn't be married, let alone bring children into the world who will grow up and treat their own spouses the same way. What a miserable household to grow up in.

Better to let the wife and husbad divorce and each find someone better suited for each, in the case that they find that one or both of them has no respect or love for the other and cannot work it out.

If it is a case of a woman who grew up with a mother like this, and now treats her own spouse the same way, she needs to WAKE UP, and realise that she is hurting another human being terribly, and if she unable to stop, then she needs to set him free to find someone who is able to love him as he needs to be loved. But again, if she has children where is her education and wages she will need to support them?

My last observation on this matter is that what seems to be at the heart of a lot of these cases is that there is no compatibility in the bedroom. A satisfied woman doesn't usually treat her husband with disrespect - quite the opposite! Now, that is assuming that the husband is not abusive or neglectful in other areas of their marriage, either. But, I've seen it time after time - the women who are unsatisfied are those who treat their husbands with disrepect and belittling.

And, those women who are satisfied in that area treat their husbands with love, respect, kindness, and compassion, being true helpmates and partners in the marriage.

Of course there are many other areas of a marriage that need to be worked on when it's heading for rocky roads such as described, But the deep love and attachment that should be forming in the couple's most private moments are at the heart of it all, right at the core, and everything else radiates out from that. So, heads up on that one.

misha,
December 23, 2013 9:55 PM

same old propaganda...can't have it both ways

Mrs. Braverman is right on most of her points. As a man, judging from the comments here, women are never wrong, misguided, unfairly critical or just downright greedy. of course, that's simply not true. we're all a lifetime project for HaShem so we must all not think too highly of ourselves. Facts be told, most of what is being whined about here is the EFFECTS of the massive campaign to demoralize men for 40years with the predicatable result of the most decent of us not trying any more. sorry, no one likes to be given no credit, endless-unjustified suspicion, dismissal and disregard with never ending demands placed on them.-=no reward. the feminist movement is a radical movement spawned from the socialist/marxist ideal of NO family structure designed to undermine the historical family unit. equality has an entirely different meaning in the marxist lexicon. socialism wants all people orphans, bitter, alone and powerless.government doesn't like competition. MEN NEED WOMEN and WOMEN NEEN MEN...is an anathema to feminist logic which largely was hijacked by lesbianism, socialism and degenerated into a vendetta & irrational false justice by spite. Men and women historically were both EQUAL victims of injustice and contempt. Upper class men & women had their own version of the gender wars. Men worked on the farms, died early by war, sickness and/or natural factors. Women lived longer, cared and preserved children and home. but BOTH were ultimately powerless. urbanization merely created a new forum of exploitation by those in control. 75% income disparity is an old feminist myth updated to keep the 'cause' alive. there are an elite of men that earn staggering salaries. but most men are still working stiffs that with the bad economy have little career options after layoffs. women have higher income potential (more degrees than men) but often leave the workforce to raise families. We are stigmatized for not providing while women seldom have such shame imposed.

(20)
j chana pombo,
February 6, 2006 12:00 AM

Courts still stereotype men

Thank you for this good article. I know about a circumstance in the U.S. where a man suffered under the abuse of his former spouse (who had originally left him) for many years via the court system. The woman learned how to manipulate the amount of visitation time for the children in order to receive more money. He was, needless to say, stereotyped as the "bad guy" for being the man.

(19)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2006 12:00 AM

Sexist nonsense

The men I know, from my late father to my 11-year-old son, are both strong & sensitive. I look for my husband's wisdom when he has more experience with something than I, but expect him to do the same in areas that are my forte. I returned to school after my children were born so I could become a lawyer and help share "his" financial burdens, just as he helps me with "my" homemaking responsibilities. As for 50/50 split of finances in divorce, it is usually assumed that BOTH parties have contributed, regardless of who got the paycheck. (If one busted his brain and made the money, what would have happened to that had the stay home partner not been taking care of the kids, the house, the doctors' appointments, the homework, the carpooling, the laundry, cooking, shabbos preparations, elder care, etc?)
Also, the idea of equality for most of us (esp. Orthodox women like myself) is meant to apply to our rights and responsibilities in society, not to the way we choose to lead our personal lives. In my home, my husband and I treat each other with love and honor. At the office, I expect to be treated like every other attorney and do the same for my colleagues.

(18)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2006 12:00 AM

High expectations apply to women too

I am deeply saddened by this article. I am an honest women and I have never wished for somebody else to take the ultimate responsibility and to say that "the buck stops here". I got over that when I grew up. I am happy to take on responsiblities and do not want 'men to be the leader'. That does not mean that I do not love and respect my partner. Shouldn't marriage be a true partnership - of equals, not one 'leader' and one follower. I also do not necessarily consider that a man is always 'someone wiser to speak to' - aren't we all sometimes wise, and sometimes not so wise, regardless of gender? If you consider that the achievements of the feminist movement, such as women not being fired as soon as they become pregnant and maternity leave, are "men bashing", then you, in turn, have resorted to "feminist bashing".

(17)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2006 12:00 AM

50/50 in divorce

To anonymous who answered Gad Brusch,
Since you feel that the woman ("in most cases") is entitled to half in view of her "sacrificing her career" to raise the children etc. I wonder if you feel that the husband ("in most cases")is automatically entitled to have 50/50 in the custody "arena"? Since he willingly sacrificed his precious time for his children.
Also, If a wife decided voluntarily to leave her career, (which based on your comments is a "sacrifice")
why should she get 1/2 his earnings?
It was her choice. Don't sacrifice.Get a baby sitter since it is so important to have a career!!!
Also, Jewish law provides a woman with a kesubah. From where do you get the idea of half?

(16)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2006 12:00 AM

"separate but equal" is a loaded, racist term

Dear Mrs. Braveman,
I am surprised by the term "separate but equal" that you chose as a tagline for this article. The term has historically referred to American race segregation and not to the relationships between men and women. Here is a wikipedia link explaining the history of the term, and I hope you will agree that it was a racist practice whose name should not be used in this context. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Separate_but_equal
Sincerely,
JG

(15)
Shifra,
February 6, 2006 12:00 AM

I don't agree

#1 - Most women who advocate equal rights, have never decided they are superior to men. They just don't want to be made to feel inferior.

#2 - "Men bashing!" Oh really? Which planet? The female bashing by men is much more prevalent - thousands times more - and has always been prevalent in society.

#3 - Many women have had to assume the leadership role in the family precisely because their husbands "are bewildered, aimless". There are many men who want all the privalages of being the head of the house and none of the responsibility.

#4 - While it's true that women want their husbands to lead, they also want and deserve respect for their own opinion and needs. We want our husbands to lead, but according to what is good for the family, not just what is good their them. Many women have gotten sick of the men in their lives that are bullies, tyrants and dictators.

Let me close off by saying that if a man wants to lead, he should treat his wife with respect and speak to her pleasantly, give her attention and show appreciate for what she does for him. In return she will respect him even more, and allow him to lead and make him king of his castle.

(14)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

one more thing....

Your last words prove the point even further. You only want to hear from those who agree with you - calling everyone else "weaklings". What an attitude!

(13)
Miriam,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

"Men's Rights"?

BS"D
The woman writing this article has obviously never received physical or verbal abuse from her father or husband and I'm sure she was never molested as a little girl by some dirty old neighbour. The women's movement is not against men as a gender, but rather we are against oppressive abusive and controlling men. Women do not think they are superior to men, but for too long now men have considered themselves superior to women. In fact many men still think they own women and can treat them however they like. Women's rights are not against the Torah. What is against the Torah is violence, molestation and abuse.
So the authoress has a good relationship with her father and husband? Well, good for her! Unfortunatley not everyone is so fortunate.

(12)
kay schwarzberg,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

A divorce lawyer's comment

This is a very provocative article on the dilemma the genders face. While I disagree with the conclusion that stereotypically defines gender roles, I agree with the explication of where we find ourselves today. Unfortunately there are assumptions here that contradict the appreciation of our differences and assume all women are the same and all men are the same. Devorah, the Judge and prophetess, Jael, and Judith would have never acted if they accepted these gender assumptions. They would have waited too long for some man to correct the problem. We as women have the resposibiliity for “the direction and well-being of the family, . . .[and] to say, "The buck stops here." While we have been marginalizing men we have failed to accept and appreciate our responsibilities. Now we have an opportunity to grow within the uniqueness of the differences in each family system and define or redefine our roles. The solution is demanding and creative, but it is not to abrogate that challenge and revisit a stereotype. There may be aspects of that stereotype that will survive, but the gender hostility started because of some lack. Our job is to question, understand and find the right answer. The task is as easy as eating an olive size amount of freshly grated horseradish at the Pesach Seder until it turns sweet.

(11)
Gregg,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

Thanks for saying it

Nice to hear it from a woman. It is so true. A man and a woman can make a wonderful team, but that requires each to yield to the strengths of the other.

(10)
Jill Wilson,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

sisterhood is real!

'... anyone who has ever been a victim of the cattiness and back-stabbing of women, especially when it comes to dating, recognizes the myth of those loving bonds of sisterhood...'

Emuna, maybe you would have had a more positive experience of sisterhood if you didnt make such sweeping statements about women.

You dont have to belittle women to affirm the value of men.

(9)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

This article makes me feel sick. yes, I want my spouse to be strong and sesponsible. but the leader...no. Yes I want him to feel respected, but I want that respect myself as much.
I want to be an "ezer genegdo",,but want him to be one just as much.
Obviously a lot of men have trouble getting used to a new status quo in which women have a stronger stand.
get used to it.

Mom...get a view...

(8)
naomi raiselle,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

confused perspective here.

Emuna Braverman confuses looking up to a man with a man looking straight AT a woman when engaged in conversation. Yes, we woman need partners who have positions, opinions, and backbone. We need equal partners to share the load of life and to comfort us as we comfort them. What we don't need are paternalistic daddies; "heads of households" who are the final word.
It's not surprising that Ms. Braverman opts for this model given her traditional perception of the Divine as "Father" and He". If the Holiest, Highest, Wisest most Knowing Source is indeed masculine, of course a woman would have to find herself a man to look up to!

As a Jewish married woman, I see my G-d as needing both the Shekkinah (feminine) and Adonai (masculine); my marriage the wife and husband, equally powerful, nurturing and supportive as a team- eye to eye, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, giving stregth and comfort to one another through the trials and tribulations of life.

(7)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

Nonsense

First of all, the term "separate but equal" was not applied to the women's movement. It is the term used to describe segregated schools in the south prior to the Brown decision.
Frankly, I don't know what "superiority" she is talking about. Where are women claiming superiority? These are the illusions of anit-feminists. Apparently, Ms. Braverman is a victim of their propaganda.

(6)
Bruce Schlieder,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

Female Straddling

I would like to thank the author for her comments on the "male" issue. Unfortunately, many men in my opinion have been reticent to explore and expose these points of view due to the "straddling" phenomenon/positions that I have observed my sisters to take. To wit, humans in general are capable of equivocating on just about anything and everything. But...to this one person's sole/soul observations...the sisterhood is particularly good at this. Men in their tendency toward linear thinking believe that for a person to maintain integrity, they must be consistent over time, i.e. predictable in demeanor and philosophy. It is a sad, truly sad day, when the male wakes up one day and overhears the supposed love of his life complaining directly at him or to her mother or to her friends that he is virtually useless. To a male, this is fundamental disloyalty. Sisters, you must understand this male experience. Any military leader will tell you that you can't run a "tight ship" or an "effective team" if the team members view the leadership as useless, ad nauseum. You have all probably seen and heard stories of the "suffering madonna" who has a husband/boyfriend that said a "cruel" thing to her. To her this is such a wound...and rightfully so...and that wound is never forgotten...is it sisters? Physical abuse...totally unacceptable...rightfully so...but emotional abuse towards a male in modern society is not only permissable, it is expected and considered fair sport. To a dull witted male...i.e. one who has been socialized to not feel pain, to never admit to it, and never speak of it... the emotional abuse flows over and around him like an icy glacier runoff...he knows something is happening but is so numb he can't name it. Only deep down...the hurt turns into anger and anger into rage...and then we wonder where the abuse comes from...and then he must be run through the institutional mill of being "reformatted" like a worn out floppy disk...with anger management or divorce courts. Men and women...aka ...brothers and sisters are in this together...one effects the other...indeed, we must celebrate each other...make "safe" homes for your beloved...make yourself safe for your "self"...stop wearing masks and behave as "humans" that we were created by the Creator to be. Of course I have much more to say on my humanity and yours:)Maybe another time! Shalom!

(5)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

To Gad Brosch

A stay-at-home mom (or homemaker, or "stay home partner," whatever you want to call it) may not have contributed much to the family financially, but at least in most cases, she (or sometimes he) contributed something else valuable (raising the children, making the "house" into a "home," etc.), and because of these contributions, she, in most cases, gave up the advancement of her own career. Because of this, she does deserve to get financial help out of a divorce settlement.
Anyway, this is not really what the article was talking about, and it doesn't seem right to me for you to air your own bitter feelings here.

(4)
Anna,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

Gad is right

Gad is right, once one has waded through the typos and bad grammar which mar their contribution. I don't believe that any woman, especially a childless one, should walk off with half the assets, and, even if there are children, the man should not be expected to keep her. This is like expecting someone to pay the mortgage on a house they no longer own.

I hate the witless male-bashing that is still so prevalent. Nobody would expect to get away with insulting racist generalisations of the sort that women make about men.

If men really are the selfish, stupid, arrogant, power-hungry, sexist bums that they are so often portrayed as, what does that make us women who marry these unattractive specimens ? Like attracts like, after all !

I hate the victim image of women-we 'give up' careers to have mens' children, while the men enjoy themselves all day working in coal mines, on farms, down drains in waist-high sewage and other plum jobs, the selfish pleasure-seekers.

A case in New Zealand-possibly hypothetical-had a lawyer working part-time so that she could spend time with her two small children, who would not be considered for a partnership. I wonder why ???? This was part of an article showing how badly off women were compared with men.

I read an article about a woman who wanted a child, picked out a suitable man, had an affair with him, dumped him as soon as junior was on the way and wondered why he was furious when he eventually found out that he was a father without his consent or knowledge, and that he had a child who didn't know who he was. The woman got a lot of criticism from readers (it was a women's magazine) who felt that she had done a very wrong action. A man who deliberately made a girl pregnant and then just walked away would rightly be condemned as a selfish swine.

I have heard that the reaction to the male pill from women is negative-they wouldn't trust a man who said he used it. Why ? They expect a man to take their word for it-and frankly, I can't see why you'd want to be in such an intimate relationship (in one sense) with anyone whom you trusted so little in something so vital. But that's another story.

It seems that men simply can't win, no matter what they do, according to some women. I would challenge women to NOT ignore or laugh at male-bashing, but challenge it as I have begun to.

(3)
Martinldas,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

this article should be mandatory for teachers and parents

We somehow forgot the God-ordained roles for both sexes in marriage. This article reminds us that we have "unique" roles and we are "designed" for our specific roles -and are not to swap them - Swaping them is a perversion of its own kind.
All good teachings begins at home- as the author correctly points out- parents and teachers should play an active role in teaching the kids they God-designed roles - and not only should they be taught(by teachers) - they should also be given a chance to view the "correct picture" in their homes and in their communities.
Unfortunately, corporate america - in the ads we see - seem to distort the truth for vested interests - how many ads have you see that make some sort of mockery of the male-parent/spouse - don't get me wrong - there is nothing good humor - but a male-parent/spouse needs to be respected especially in front of the kids and vis-a-vis (regardless of the indifferences between the spouses) - this carries a healthy picture for the kid(s) to love and cherish their spouses and to honor them inspite of their shortcomings.
I hope this article will be read by school districts.

(2)
gad brosch,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

in case of divorce...

if marriage is a 50/50 "business"(since when???),why do the courts across the land automatically divide marital assets 50/50?
I thought that at least in America (this is not communist Russia) you desrve to take out according to what you contributed...If one busted his brain,made the money,why should the stay home partner (by choice,mind you)get half of everything?
love to hear from laweyers (and others) who feel like m e ...not weaklings...

(1)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

This article will save marriages

Thank you for publishing this article. It is right on! One of the main causes of marriage break-ups is that today's men don't know how to be men. After decades of feminism, many men have never heard that men are expected to lead. At the Aish Partners Conference, I picked up a book called "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man" by Elliott Katz. Many women bought it for the men in their lives. The book teaches men that if you're always just trying to please the woman, you don't really please her at all. Based on Jewish sources, the book gives the wisdom, step by step, on what a man needs to do to become a leader in his home and be respected by his wife and family. These ideas will save a lot of marriages.