Monday, August 20, 2012

7 Reasons Why Jesus is a Badass: Part I

I used
to think of Jesus as a sweet, mild-mannered man. The kind of guy that if I
told him any sort of joke, the best response I could ever receive would be a
small, polite smile followed by a terse reprimand that I shouldn’t be laughing
about things like that. But then I actually read my Bible and realized he’s a
badass.

1) The king wanted
him dead (Matthew 2:2-16)

Little baby badass Jesus was born
with a death warrant on his head. It was a very Voldemort- Harry Potter type
situation. When King Herod heard that the King of the Jews had been born, he
was quite peeved and wanted the Chosen One dead. But, instead of storming the
manger with a wand at the ready, Herod chose the sneaky route.

“Oh the King of the Jews has been
born? Why don’t you go find him so that I can worship him?” He told his Magi,
as he stroked a fluffy cat on his lap.

The Magi found baby Jesus and were so
excited they almost reported back to Herod. But, unfortunately for Mr. Herod,
the Magi were swiftly informed in a dream of his evil plot and decided abetting
child killing plans weren’t really their forte. Herod’s back up plan of using
the Avada Kedavra curse obviously didn’t pan out either.

2) His parents tried
to be upset with him once, but it didn’t work (Luke 2:41-51)

When a child talks back to his
parents, usually the kid ends up in even more trouble. Unless if the child is
Jesus.

After the Passover festival, Jesus’
parents boarded their donkeys and began traveling merrily back home. It took a
full day for them to realize that something was missing: Jesus wasn’t with
them.

This is almost unbelievable in
itself. It’s one thing to lose your kid. It’s one thing to lose your kid for an
entire day. It’s a whole different ball game when you lose your kid for an entire
day who also happens to be the Savior of all Mankind.

Also, do Mary and Joseph only talk
to each other on these 3 mph journeys?

Maybe after a few more silently
wise responses, Mary and Joseph decided to actually turn their heads to see the
wise face of their wise Jesus. Once they realized he wasn’t with them, they probably
had a minor meltdown and rushed back to Jerusalem as fast their donkeys’ legs
would allow. After returning to
Jerusalem, it still took them another three days before they found their son.
They found four-day lost Jesus chilling out with some teachers at the temple
courts, and Mama Mary was not amused.

“Why did you treat us like this,
Jesus? We’ve been worried sick searching for you!” she exclaimed.

“Why were you searching for me?
Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” Jesus retorted, in a very duh-like moment.

Ooo, Jesus has you there, Mary. But
the one time Jesus gave lip back to his parents, they didn’t even understand
what he was talking about. Typical parents. Typical wise Jesus.

3) He can use the classic
“They’re not dead; they’re just sleeping” excuse (Luke 8:40-56)

If
Jesus was a superhero, he wouldn’t be the kind to swoop in at the nick of time
to save the day. He would meander over
when He was good and ready and when everyone was already in a tizzy over the
horrendous event. Take this event for
example.

After a
long journey of traveling and doing miracles, a bunch of people had gathered to
welcome Jesus back. A synagogue leader named Jairus was happy to see Jesus
because he thought Jesus was cool, but also because his only daughter was
dying. He approached Jesus and begged him to save his girl.

“Sure, but let me get through this
crowd and heal some people first,” Jesus probably said.

“What? She’s dying! Right now, she
is dying. Time is of the essence,
because if you get to her too late, she will die,” Jarius definitely replied.

Jesus walked his usual pace through
the crowd, because not nobody tells Jesus what to do. But then, in a twist of
events, a woman who had been perpetually bleeding for twelve years stole some
of his miracle juice.

“Whoa! Someone just touched me. Who
was it?” He demanded.

“You’re in a crowd, Jesus. There are
loads of people touching you,” Peter said, oh so wisely.

“No, someone touched me. I felt the
power go out of me,” Jesus explained.

Verse 47 says that because the woman
saw she could not go unnoticed, she came forward. She must not have heard of
the term Get lost in a crowd. How
difficult is it to hide from one person? This leads me to believe that Jesus
has sniper-like identification capabilities, or mystical powers of echolocation.

She spewed her story of healing to
Jesus, and he was impressed by her faith. Apparently, Jairus was still at Jesus’
side, waiting anxiously for him to get a move on and save his daughter, because
a synagogue leader approached him while Jesus was still mingling.