Step 1: Maintain perspective while picking up dog sh*t from the kitchen floor. Remind myself that this is the least of our issues. If anything, this is a challenge. Will cross “potty trained a dog” off my bucket list within the next month.

Step 2: Wake up in the middle of the night(multiple times) because Louis has restless leg syndrome and is breathing heavy. What if he’s having a nightmare? What if he’s sick? WORRY LIKE AN INSANE PERSON. Check.

Step 3: Talk to Louis like a baby. Talk to Louis while walking down the street. Talk to Louis in my bed. Talk to Louis with no inhibition whatsoever. He deserves a little conversation, ya feel???

Step 4: Make a note to call the vet in the morning to discuss his food. Is he getting the right food for his body? Is it going to make him sick? Is “red meat dog food” OK for dogs? Are the bumps on his skin normal? “Excuse me, when is your next available appointment?”

Step 5: Create new rule for dating. First, don’t. But if I do, Louis comes first. If you don’t like my dog, you can go away, sir(man, dude, boy).