If you identify more with a gender that you were not assigned, then the sooner you accept this fact, the sooner you can move forward. Whether this means transitioning or just accepting who you are, there are many steps that you can take to feel better about the way you identify or the way you present. Get prepared for some soul searching and know that you will come out stronger on the other side.

Ad

Steps

1

Be patient. It can take a lot of time to know if you are really transgender or not. If you feel that you are "late" or "too old" to be trans, you aren't. There are people out there who didn't realize they are trans (or were in a denial) until they were in their 30's, 40's, or even 50's. Remember this isn't a race; it is about self-realization. Learning about yourself is part of the first steps of feeling peace in mind.

Ad

2

Understand what it means to be transgender. Being transgender doesn't mean you'll have a restricted life. You might see TV talk shows where trans people say they knew at an early age, and they are interested in what cisgender people are expected to be into. Understand that not all trans people had completely known at a very young age nor have they always been interested in the traditional gender expectations. It's okay that when you were little you liked wearing dresses, playing with action figures, or played with jump-ropes. Remember that things like clothes and picking out toys are just expressions, and not the signs of one's gender. Think about this: why is it okay for cisgender people to express androgynously? For example, why is it okay for a cisgender girl to be sporty and outspoken but not okay for a transgender girl to do the same, in spite of traditional gender roles? Gender expression and gender identity are not the same thing.

Being transgender doesn't mean you are gay or straight. Gender and sexuality are two different, separate parts of one's identity. Sexual orientation is who you are sexually attracted to, and gender identity is an internal sense of gender. It's not rare or irrational to be homosexual and transgender. There are many trans people who are gay, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual. It actually wouldn't make any sense for all trans people to be in a heterosexual relationship while cisgender people can be any sexual orientation. Homosexual men and women are still cisgender people because they see themselves as what gender they were assigned as at birth. When people call heterosexual transgender people "gay people", it sounds more like they are saying being transgender is a way of continuing the "ideal and heteronormative persona", like it's "fake" or a "trick" to remain part of the "average" group. It isn't about looking attractive or "normal" for others to see, it's about one's happiness and freedom.

3

Try to visualize your future, daydream, and fantasize about what you want in life. Where do you see yourself in 10 or 20 years? Do you see yourself as a happy older person? Do see yourself as someone who's having a good time, likes being with good friends, raising a family, doing fun things, or just simply relaxing? Take your time and see what you feel. If you love having fantasies about yourself as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth and you experienced a strange happy feeling from that, you could be transgender. Think if this is the way you want to go or not. Remember that some physical changes from hormones and surgery can be irreversible, so be sure you're willing to accept those changes.

4

Research transitioning. Learn about how the hormones work and see if/how surgeries will work for you. It's okay if you feel you would rather just take the hormones instead of the top or bottom surgery, or if you would rather have only the top surgery without taking hormones. It doesn't make you any less trans if you choose to only have surgery and not take hormones, for example. Or vice versa. There are plenty of people who are comfortable with only one or some of these options. What matters is what you are comfortable with.

5

Accept yourself. Learn to accept and love who you are. It's your right to express or question yourself in whatever ways you see fit. It's important for you to listen what you feel and not what people say you should feel. If you choose not to question your gender identity because you are worried of people's opinions, you could make your life worse just by not listening to yourself and always letting people get to you. You must remember that you have only a single life and you cannot let your life end with full of regrets or what ifs.

6

See a Gender Therapist. Although they cannot decide what gender you truly are, they can guide you on your journey. Having a good therapist can really improve one's life. Simply letting out what you feel by talking can already help you out on figuring out your identity. It's important to ask questions and analyze why you feel this way. Be careful and selective when choosing a gender therapist. Ask trans people you know if there is a therapist they recommend. The wrong ones will waste your time and money.

Ad

We could really use your help!

Can you tell us aboutestate planning?

Yes

No

estate planning

how to set up an estate

Can you tell us aboutdogs?

Yes

No

dogs

how to clean dog bedding with vinegar

Can you tell us aboutskim coating?

Yes

No

skim coating

how to skim coat

Can you tell us aboutVirtual DJ?

Yes

No

Virtual DJ

how to use Virtual DJ

Thanks for helping! Please tell us everything you know about

...

Tell us everything you know here. Remember, more detail is better.

Tips

Provide Details.

Please be as detailed as possible in your explanation. Don't worry about formatting! We'll take care of it.
For example:Don't say: Eat more fats.Do say: Add fats with some nutritional value to the foods you already eat. Try olive oil, butter, avocado, and mayonnaise.

Tips

If you are into drawing, you could try drawing yourself as a different gender. You can try draw a comic or cartoon of yourself doing whatever you want. You can draw what you could possibly look like if you transition or it can just pretty cartoony as much as you like. Just express yourself!

Befriend trans people and be a good ally. You can be a good ally by asking them what pronouns and name they prefer and sticking to it. You can also watch videos from youtube about people who are transitioning or expressing their point of views of having gender identity for more information.

Write a diary or journal of what you feel and why you are questioning this. You might need it in the future when you are more thoroughly exploring your path.

Even if you do not want children now, consider that your feelings may change after many years have passed. Storage of sperm or egg cells is an option you may wish to take before permanent sterility due to hormonal treatment occurs.

Many who are transgender find that their choice of sexual partners changes after they begin their journey. Don't assume that your sexual preference will remain unchanged. Be open to unexpected possibilities.

If you learned that you are cisgender (not transgender), it's still okay, even after questioning it for a while. What's good about this is that you were learning and being more understanding about this.

There are more than two gender identities, so you might find you identify as one of the following. Genderqueer or nonbinary are umbrella terms for someone whose gender identity is different than the gender they were assigned at birth. Some people feel that they do not fall within the gender binary at all. These people may identify as polygender (a mix of multiple genders), bigender (two different genders at once), gender fluid (their gender identity changes), or agender (no gender at all), etc. These people are all nonbinary.

No one can tell you if you are transgender or not. It's like being gay: no one can tell you what kind of person you are or not. Only you can tell what your gender identity is.

No matter what, your gender identity is valid. If it happens to change, and you find yourself identifying as another gender, that does not mean you were faking your previous gender, and does not make your experiences invalid.

Warnings

Do not rush into it. Although it's rare for people to have a physical transition and later realized they are not really transgender, you might regret it if you assumed you are transgender without deeply thinking this through.

Be cautious about telling your parents about your questioning or your gender identity if you are still dependent on them. It's a good idea to test the waters first, bringing up cases of trans people in the news, to see how they react. If they seem very intolerant of trans people, proceed with caution. If it seems likely that they would become abusive or throw you out for your gender identity, either wait or have a backup plan that you can rely on if things go badly.

Be very careful on who you tell about you questioning your gender identity. Some people may not understand it and might believe something that is not true (like the myths of being a transgender person). Some might even be hostile or say and do offensive things to you.

Share

Featured Articles

Meet a Community Member

Meet Hibou8, a wikiHowian of two years who is both a New Article Booster and Featured Author. He enjoys boosting new articles and finding articles to help save in the NFD Guardian. His proudest accomplishments are helping new editors find their feet and become great contributors. He appreciates how nice all of the community members on wikiHow are, and he enjoys being able to help with the mission alongside like-minded individuals. To new editors, he advises, dive into the Community Dashboard and start getting used to how we do things. “Don’t be afraid to make mistakes!”