(Closed) I have found my husbands match and I want to set them up!

My husband is wonderful. He is sweet, kind has a huge heart and is my everything. His downfall is his social abilities. My husband came from a horrible childhood. I swear his childhood could be a Lifetime movie. Because of this he is very timid and somewhat scared when it comes to meeting people. He doesn’t know how to relate or to start and continue a conversation. It’s somethng we are currently trying to work through with him. He is completely normal with me and he works very well with my extroverted personality.

I feel so bad for him because he does not have one single close male friend. This bothers him very badly. He tries so hard but it just doesn’t work out for him very well. I have recently started my summer college classes and I have this guy in my class who I swear is my husband in a different body. This man is very nice but a little reserved. Like my husband, he seems kind of timid but he just got home from Afghanastan so I know he has confidence even if he doesn’t openly show it like a “typical” man. Him and my husband graduated from the same highschool a few years apart and I’m very surprised that they don’t know eachother. Even down to their mannerisms they seem to be so much alike.

I want them to meet!! I don’t want to force anyone on my husband or be a “mother” to him. I feel like him and this guy could get along very well. I just want them to be around eachother. This is so hard since this is another man. I can’t just invite him over to our house or ask him out to lunch as if he was a girl.

Is this too weird? Do I just drop it? I love my best friend with all my heart and I just want that for my husband too. Everyone deserves a best friend =)

EllasGrace20: Aw, I’m in the same boat! Like my side of our invite list was about 60 people to his 12!! I kind of gave up, though. Where I feel comfortable hanging out with wives of his friends, he doesn’t feel the same. I tried to make him go to the movies with my high school friend b/c they both wanted to see some stupid action movie and of course, it never materialized.

Is there any way you could arrange a night out with you, Darling Husband and classmate? Does classmate have a SO?

EllasGrace20: Hmmm…I’m the same way, but not to that extreme. I’m pretty introverted and have social anxiety that I need to seek therapy for. It can be very paralyzing. That being said, I know whenever I’m around a person who is also pretty quiet/introverted, it’s hard to get to know them (since they are the same way!). All of my best friends are extroverts. A few of them and I joke about the fact it works so well because we balance each other out. Just my opinion, but I don’t forsee a close bond between your Darling Husband and your classmate happening.

mdcmod: I’m wondering about that same issue myself. Since they both seem introverted I amnot sure how they would get to know one another. I know that my husband does make a huge effort to get to know someone. It’s almost exhausting to even watch because I know how hard it is for him. I just want him to find “the one”

EllasGrace20: Here’s what my psychiatrist told me: Shyness is not permanent. Social Anxiety is, luckily, an “illness” that can be gotten rid of almost completely, if not totally completely, through therapy.

Have you considered sending him to a psychiatrist? They can first get him on social anxiety meds, if you’re not against that type of thing. But mine made it so clear to me that meds alone will not fix the problem. It absolutely requires some sort of therapy. I’d google the top therapists in your area. I know how bad it is, how paralyzing it is, and how exhausting it is (procrastination is also a problem of mine, b/c I STILL haven’t seen a therapist). I definitely think it’s worth a shot. And if one therapist doesn’t seem to be working, try another.

ETA: There are also some really highly-rated social anxiety books on Amazon for pretty cheap. I’ve read through tons of their reviews, and a lot of people relied solely on the books and got rid of their SA.

This makes me think of the movie “I Love You, Man” lol. Maybe you could arrange some sort of group setting where they could meet? Have a dinner party or a sporting event party…something they’ll both like. And invite a few other people from class.

I set my SO up, and it worked like a charm! I suggested he go paintballing at a new field that opened up a mile from our house. I was hoping he’d meet some guys who lived nearby. He did, and he’s really good at paintball so they asked him to join their team. Done. New friends.

playdohpants: I actually LOL’d outloud at your comment because a few years back when we watched I Love You Man for the first time, you could cut the awkwardness with a knife. We both knew the movie was my husband to a T but neither one of us wanted to admit it.

emstar168: I was thinking of a BBQ. I am having a hard time trying to friend this man (and possibly invite him out to dinner or my house) without giving him the impression that I am hitting on him or being flirty. I have sat by him in class, tried to walk with him in the hall and even was hoping we would get partnered together for our final project. I don’t want to freak him out or scare him off. This is actually pretty tough! Even after I do friend him I still have to break it to my husband that I have been really trying to get to know a guy at school that reminds me alot of him. Then say “Can we have him over for dinner???”

I say let it go… As an introvert myself I appreciate the value of a good friend (I have one best friend. I have a few other close friends… but mostly I talk to family and my best friend), but in my experience, true friendship only works when it just “happens”… My husband has tried to “set me up” with his friends girlfriends/wives/friends etc. and yea, I’ll hang out with them a bit and I genuinely like them as people, but I’m not a “let’s hang out” kind of person unless you are family or my best friend. It takes a LOT of energy for me to be in social situations, especially with people you don’t know very well (mine usually include a lot of alcohol so I don’t just sit there awkwardly), it’s just draining when it’s forced/manufactured. A friend will come along and it will work itself out, and maybe your husband is content with just having you as a best friend… That’s always possible. 🙂

wandering_gypsy: Thank you for the honest advice =) You actually remind me alot of my best friend. (I’m just now noticing I attract all introverts. Interesting ) Anyways, your post reminds of something she would say to this issue. I always wonder why it’s harder to get her out of the house and away from her family and when we do go out with a group of girlfriends she is alwaysthe first one to get tipsy which is so out of her introverted personality. But something I love about her and my husband is their loyalty. I feel so honered to be close to both of them because I feel like I was actually chosen for once. Anywho, I’m rambling. My point is that I like your reply. It’s just hard sometimes to be someones sole companion. It puts alot of pressure on me to be everything for him.

I hope he finally meets “the one” for him one day. It would be perfect if it happend all on its own =)

My husband is like yours. First of all, I doubt he needs to see a psychiatrist. Being introveted in not something that needs fixing, your husband is not broken. Secondly, if your husband has mentioned that he would like more close friends (or even one) I think you should try to get them to meet, as you are doing. Guys are not that complex, subletly doesn’t work well. Why can’t you just be honest with this guy in your class and say something like ‘Hey, my husband is a lot like you, I think you guys would really get along well. The three of us should get together this week and have dinner/drinks/movie etc.? When are you free?’

If it works, it works, and if not, oh well, you tried. Don’t force it, but give it a shot, that way there’s not too much pressure on your Darling Husband or the other guy, but the option for friendship presents itself. Something to kkep in mind though is that if the other guy is also truly introverted the friendship may not last without your constant interaction though, since someone in the pairing needs to inititate the actual getting together.