Tag Archive: Fat

Now I know Mr. Williams language is crude and perhaps offensive, but this man made me stop and think. “…It’s called SELF-esteem. It’s the esteem of your muthaf^ckin’ self…” That’s right. More often than not we blame others for how we feel about ourselves. “He called me fat.” “She said I was ugly.” “They said I that I am dumb.” He said, she said, they said, we said, everybody has something to say about everyone else. Whatever the case we allow how other people view us to affect how we view ourselves. If you don’t know the definition of self-esteem let me break it down to you. According to Wikipedia self-esteem is:

“a term used in psychology to reflect a person‘s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, ‘I am competent’, ‘I am worthy’) and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame[citation needed]. Self-esteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension (for example, ‘I believe I am a good writer and I feel happy about that’) or have global extent (for example, ‘I believe I am a bad person, and feel bad of myself in general’).”

Not once was there wasn’t any mention of someone other than one’s self in that definition.

This made me think back to last year when I started this whole thing. I was sad. I felt hopeless, helpless, and worthless. I blamed the nurse who told me that dreadful truth for bring these negative feelings to fruition. I said that SHE really messed with my self-esteem. To be honest, it was me all along. I felt that because I had nearly reached 500 lbs that I was hopeless, helpless, and worthless.

So in the beginning of this year I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I figured since the world would end the next year I needed to get my stuff together. January 8-ish of this year I decided to pick myself up out of my slump. (I know tradition is to start the first but I was still shoveling cake from New Year’s Eve in my mouth feeling sorry for myself.) I refocused my mind. I became determined. I did the things typical people of my generation do when they want to get something done. I made an iTunes playlist. (Yes, this was getting serious.)

In keeping with tradition I picked a theme song… “A theme song?!?!” you say. “Wow, you must be some kind of douche…” No, no, there isn’t any sort douche-ry going on here. There is, however, a method to my madness. Let me explain. When dealing with a major issue or trying to carry out a goal in the long-term I’ve found that by picking something simple to keep you going will help you see better results. I like to pick songs that reflect the point I am in my life. Some people may have other methods of coping with change. To be honest the vehicle you choose isn’t important it’s it purpose. It’s meant to help you keep going. Even if you stumble be able to pick yourself up. If you can’t go it alone call on friends or family. Or if you like me, blast your theme song at full volume on repeat until its powerful message sinks into your mind, giving you a sense of Arete.

Now, my theme for 2010 was I Choose by India.Arie and it was very successful. However, it was a new year with a new theme. While trying to build the greatest makeover gym playlist, I googled songs about self-esteem. Lo and behold, I found my theme song for 2011: Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous by RuPaul!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “WTF? RuPaul sings?” I was surprised too! It also may seem a bit weird that I am using a drag queen’s song as my theme song of the year, but let’s face it Ru-Ru (my affectionate nickname for RuPaul) is FIERCE with a capital F. It also doesn’t hurt that the video had a similar message of transition. Although, I am against the images portrayed of RuPaul transforming from an overweight dark-skinned African-American woman to a svelte light-skinned european featured woman via surgery I see where he was going with the video. (Note: I don’t object to the idea of losing weight. If I did, why would I be here? I object to the idea that distinctly African features, i.e. dark-skin, a wide nose, or full lips aren’t beautiful. The fact that RuPaul is considered beautiful after those features were eliminated by surgery didn’t set well with me.)

Any-who, I fell in love with the song. It was catchy and had a nice constant beat. The lyrics are fairly repetitive, but it was the right idea.

“Woke up this morning, it’s a brighter day
I looked in the mirror, saw a new face
Cause I got myself together, steppin’ in time
Every thing’s better, this day is mine…” – RuPaul

I knew this would motivate me at the gym, so I bought it! Besides, it was that or Bootylicious by Destiny’s Child and that just was the antithesis of what I was trying to accomplish this year. :~)

So what would your theme song be? Do you agree with Katt Williams? I’d love to hear your feedback below.

P.S. Here are some songs I use to encourage myself when I feel like giving up, or I feel that I’m anything less than FABULOUS! Maybe they will encourage you too!

Like this:

Now before you start to think I’m a quitter for canceling my Weight Watchers subscription today, let me just say that my nearly year long relationship with Weight Watchers was a successful one. Overall, I lost 28.4 lbs! Yes, It was difficult, turbulent and full of weight loss, then more weight gain, then more weight loss, but I believe I’ve found a good balance now. I have learned to eat, NOT DIET! I have learned that you can have your cake and eat it too…just not everyday of the week. :~)

So why am I quitting? Well, I have found a new partner in this battle against bulge. They are a true pal. No, it’s not some crazy fad diet. No, I’m not shelling out lots money to chomp down on dietary cookies, or gluten free food. Do you want to know my new secret weapon in this battle against Bulge? It’s myfitnesspal.com! This website is the greatest discovery I’ve made in years! Why? It’s FREE! That’s right. F-R-E-E!

This is how it works.

You make an account for FREE! The site sets you up with a Food/Exercise Diary, Blog, and Message boards for support. For those who use Weight Watchers eTools this should sound familiar. You log your meals and activities through an extensive database of pre-logged foods and exercises. You can’t find what you’re looking for? Then simply create your own food. Do you want to know the caloric AND nutritional value of a recipe you’re making? All you do is create your recipe and the website automatically calculates that for you. The only difference I’ve found between the two eTools is that one uses ambiguous points and the other uses real live calories. Beyond that myfitnesspal.com has the ability to track and set daily goals for fat, sugar, carb, protein, vitamin a,b,c,d,f,x,y and z, or whatever else you see on the back of a nutrition label that you want to monitor. “But wait,” you say, “Weight Watchers is so convenient. I can track everywhere and anywhere I want through my free mobile/iPhone app.” Myfitnesspal.com has got you covered. They also have a FREE mobile/iPhone app. (I actually track more of my calories on the mobile app than the site.) The app is very easy to navigate. (I believe easier than the site, but that’s my personal opinion.)

Now, I am not a spokesperson for this site. To be honest, I heard about it in one of my fitness classes. I thought it could not replace Weight Watchers, which at the time I believed to be the greatest weight loss program on the market. Folks, I’m here to tell you that this site is “DY-NO-MITE!” Just try it out. It can’t hurt. It’s free! If you don’t like it just delete your profile and never look back, but I seriously doubt you will.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy I started this journey with WW. It was easy, helpful, inspiring, and fun! I learned a lot about fitness, and living healthily. You know, little nuggets of wisdom that have continued to stick with me. Things like: “Don’t beat yourself up if you have a cookie; they are delicious! Eat one, not 10.” Or, “Working out can be even the smallest task. Housework counts! If you don’t feel like hitting the gym then mop the floor…” Ok so maybe that’s not exactly what they meant. But that’s what I got from it.*shrugs and smiles* I’m seeing results… Nevertheless, it’s time for me to transition to another means of getting F-I-T aka Fine in Time. So myfitnesspal.com will be my new ally.

Wish me luck!

PS. This is my new mini-goal. (Another little tip I picked up from Weight Watchers…)

Like this:

Well it’s been entirely too long since I’ve posted. Life has been busy, full of hospital visits, spider bites, car accidents, broken Mac, and the beginning of the school year. Let’s just say that I’m bushed. I drew a cartoon for this post but unfortunately I forgot to bring it with me to put it on. I will later tonight or by tomorrow.

So where am I with the battle? 17.4 pounds lighter… That’s right! Weight Watchers is working! They claimed I’m losing weight at a rapid pace… but isn’t that the point? Get rid of the excess now in as quick and healthy way possible so I can live freely? Honestly, I was surprised I lost weight at all. Considering I am half-way doing the program and eating when I want, what I want. I know that’s not the greatest idea, but things have been stressful and busy. When I’m back to school I barely have time to brush my teeth let alone think about what’s going in my body. I actually think that all the stress in some strange way has helped me. Let me explain…

I just started school at the end of August. The second week of classes I became ill. The doctor told me to stay out of class and get better she was “concerned about my health.” She insisted we have a follow-up and by the look in her eyes I knew where the conversation was about to head. During the follow-up I was still sick, physically exhausted and having “a mean case of the reds.” The doctor was actually very nice. She was the first physician that approached me about my morbid obesity as if I were a human being not a toddler that lacked self-discipline. She spoke to me, not at me.

**ATTENTION: All the doctors in the world, this is the best way to address a patient particularly someone who is obese. It doesn’t help if you simply tell them what to do like they are incompetent or a child. I mean clearly there is something wrong, but you don’t have to degrade them. I guarantee they do enough of that themselves. SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be patient, be kind, and firm. This will more likely yield the best results, especially if they WANT to lose weight. If not then your wasting your breath…

**End Announcement

Anyway… she asked me about my issues with weight. I gave her the whole spiel. Even the story about going to the hospital during the summer for my throat and leaving sobbing because I had never, not even once, in the last 8 years been properly weighed. Actually, before coming to college I took a physical and the nurse told me I had lost weight I was down to 3??. COMPLETE LIE! Sorry, I’m getting off track. So I went to the hospital, and I suppose I offended the nurse there by writing the weight I was given the year before on the sheet. She asked me in a highly offensive tone to follow her. She put me on an electronic handi-capable scale. The number came up in kg. She said, “THIS is how much you weigh!” in a seething tone. I looked confused and said, “Ok?”

**Sidenote: Who honestly knows how to convert kg to lb in there head in 10 seconds? ANYONE? If you do please comment and I will send you a virtual cookie because obviously this chick had lost her mind…

She continued, “NO. This is how much you weight!” She pressed the pounds button and the most horrifying defining moment of my life happened. Within 2 seconds, 5 seconds tops, I had went from being comfortable and confident to utterly self-loathing and angry. “484” I just looked at her. I didn’t know what to say. I wish I could tell you I was embarrassed but I wasn’t. I was hurt. She went on in her accusing, self-righteous, bitchy tone. “I just wanted to let you know, because what you put on your form was incorrect…” blah, blah, blah…I kind of blacked out.

I was in an emotional carven of despair by this point. I was trying to hold it together. I have over the years developed this ability to act as if everything is ok even though inside I am a wreck. It really is a cool trick to have up one’s sleeve. It is harder than it looks; the ability to be so convincing that your okay that you being to believe it yourself. It allows you to go on, even in the darkest times. By far, this was one of the darkest. However, that day my disguise wasn’t affective enough. I said, “ok.” I went back into the room with my parents. My mother looked at me and knew instantly something was wrong. After we left out of the registration office I broke. I couldn’t even make it to the door. I just started sobbing. I was a mess. Let’s just say the rest of the story doesn’t get better.

So I explained this to the campus doctor she was impressed how lightly I was retelling the story, joking and laughing. (Another defense mechanism…) I told her about deciding to do Weight Watchers, etc. She was glad to hear that I wanted to try for myself. Then she went on this whole thing about having a support system. (Heard it too many times) So she sent me to the counselor…

OKAY! HOLD THE PHONE. WHAT THE WHAT? Apparently in this world FAT = EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED/CRAZY?

I was upset about it but in the coolest tone possible I said, “Ok, that’s fine.” I’m not sure about that, but there is a horrible stigma that comes along with counseling. I partake fully in that myth. I know I shouldn’t, and the counselor was nice, and “helpful”, but I just don’t like to talk about my emotions. She kept saying, “Yes, but how did that make you FEEL?” SO CLICHÉ! I cancelled the next appointment. I am sure that I will go again one day, but I felt like I was being analyzed. She was too professional. I can’t share how I feel with someone who is analyzing everything I do and say, in a way that I know they are analyzing it. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I won’t ever be going to counseling again. *whew* I’m glad I got that out of my system. :~)

I also have gone to the campus nutritionist. We had an interesting talk. I feel like after the break down this summer, little by little I’m regaining my emotional strength. I should explain that I promised my self I would never get over 400 lbs. At the time I probably was 400 lbs but didn’t know due to insufficient scales. I had lived my life as a 350 young woman not a nearly 500 lb young woman. I was- I mean, I am extremely active. I walk around everywhere! I do musical theater. I am “normal.” Or as close to normal as I can possible be while still being overweight. After I “discovered” the truth. I felt all wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be alive, let alone do the things I had done. I since have suffered, illness, chest pain, back pain, and random aches. Not all news is good news. Ignorance is bliss, and in my case it was the best remedy to my problem. However, now that I know the truth I can’t cry over spilled milk. I have to try to stay positive. I have to remember that before I knew my real weight I did all of those things and the pains of my body are a symptom of knowing that knowledge. Now I know how Adam and Eve felt after they ate from the Tree… I can’t even imagine going through this naked.

“Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base.” ~ George S. Patton

Today I signed up for Weight Watchers. Let’s call this Weight Watchers: Part Two the Remix. I tried Weight Watchers before, my sophomore year in high school… I HATED the program because well I wasn’t following it. I cheated…a lot. “How?”, you ask. Well let’s just say I didn’t experience the advertised lifestyle change. I fit my lifestyle to the my allotted points, i.e. not eating all day in an effort to eat fast food that evening. Resulting in me obsessing over points and ultimately being cranky because I couldn’t gorge of the sweet artery clogging food I adored. So after my 3 month package was complete I left the program, chalking up my failure to the program’s false advertisement. Now, years later, I have decided to give it another go. This time I feel that I am ready to commit. The journey to weight loss is like a relationship. You can’t have one partner be committed and the other one slacking off. That relationship isn’t healthy for anyone involved and eventually will fall apart. On the other hand, the relationship I have been in with my body has been more of a love triangle. It’s committed to me and I am committed to the things I love…mostly good food and the food hurts my body. It’s really a vicious cycle. NO MORE. I am just saying, “NO.” It’s time for a change. Not for my family, or anyone else, but for me. I have to take control of my life. I have to beat the Girth. For now my weapon of choice is Weight Watchers…we’ll see how this goes.

“Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base.” ~ George S. Patton