Steelton Man Feels He Has A ‘Pretty Good Shot’ At Being Next Pope

(STEELTON) – Kenny ‘Walnuts’ Stoutman today announced plans to “run for Pope,” adding he feels he has “a pretty good shot at winning.”

Stoutman, 57, is a lifelong resident of Steelton. He was born Jewish but said he “has been making great strides at becoming more Catholic,” largely with the help of many Italian neighbors.

Stoutman, who was laid off as a steel worker three years ago, said the papal gig would be a natural progression.

“A lot of my work on the lines at Arcelor Mittal was about keeping shit in order, and I have a feeling that being the Pope would involve a lot of that,” Stoutman said. “Plus, I know how to keep secrets, and I get the impression that’s a big part of the job.”

Stoutman said he would likely sell his Front Street home if he were to be hired as Pope and move to the Vatican. “But it’s really too early to say, as I haven’t had a lot of time to think about that,” he added.