Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

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The F-word is an amazingly versatile piece of our four-letter Anglo-Saxon heritage. It can express surprise, outrage, anger, humor, or delight. And it can stand in for several parts of speech: noun, verb, gerund, particular, imperative, interrogative, interjection.

Let’s not forget use of the f-word as one of the rarest of language forms, the infix. A prefix comes before a word. A suffix comes after. An infix appears in the middle of a normal word or phrase, as in “You are damn f—ing right.” Or “un-f—ing-believable.” Or as they like to moan in Boston when thinking of the New York Yankees victory in the 1978 playoff game: “Bucky F—ing Dent!” It was the light-hitting Dent’s timely home run that ruined the Red Sox season.

Most people are familiar only with fuck’s violent side; few appreci- ate its complex character. Fuck is nature’s all-purpose word, able to express every mood and capture the tenor of every occasion.
The only thing it isn’t is simple, as with this fuckin’ business.

Given the proper inflection, the word can express an entire range of sentiments:

Confusion: What the fuck?
Despair and dismay: Fucked again, or truly fucked.
Liberation: What the fuck!
Helplessness: Fucked by the fickle finger of fate.
Concern: Doesn’t anyone give a fuck?

There’s something in the air today, marking a scientific breakthrough of sorts. Scientists out of the University of Exeter insist that smelling farts could actually prevent cancer, among other diseases. Uh, okay.

“Although hydrogen sulfide gas”—produced when bacteria breaks down food—”is well known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence, it is naturally produced in the body and could in fact be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases,” Dr. Mark Wood said in a university release.

Although the stinky gas can be noxious in large doses, the researchers seem to think that a whiff here and there has the power to reduce risks of cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia by preserving mitochondria. Researchers are even coming up with their own compound to emulate the stinky smell’s health benefits.

“‘We have exploited this natural process by making a compound, called AP39, which slowly delivers very small amounts of this gas specifically to the mitochondria,” Professor Matt Whiteman, who worked on the study to be published in the Medicinal Chemistry Communications journal, said.

Isn’t it time you too got a whiff of the truth? Check out the brief history of the much-maligned fart from “Bawdy Language.”

Gone With the Wind

The fart’s fine lineage not withstanding, other reference works have been more standoffish. The esteemed Oxford English Dictionary unequivocally declared fart “not fit for proper use.” Nobody knows why the OED chose to close down this innocuous form of personal expression or how the decision was made. One can only imagine a group of eminent scholars gathered in their ivory tower, deliberating upon the fate of words, having a beer or two, and shooting the breeze.

“Personally, I favor letting off some rectal steam.”
“No, no! I much prefer an anal escape of wind.”
“Really gentlemen, it’s hard to top voiding wind from the bowels.”
“All in favor of the fart…”

Having to give us something to do, they finally agreed to let us have the vapors (16thC–19thC), “supposed emanations from internal organs or from substances within the body.”

Does the Australian gurk sound any better? Yet etymologist Richard Spears, in his classic dictionary of slang and euphemism, organized his synonyms (all 76 of them) for breaking wind under that particular obscurity, defining the category as “to release intestinal gas audibly.” Anything to avoid giving the fart its proper due.

And so the fart fell from grace—expelled from polite society and relegated to second-class status. Farting around (c. 1900) came to signify purposelessness; anything overly pretentious was arty- farty.” Farting off (c.1968) made you inattentive and neglectful, leading to one blunder after another, causing you to fart away (c.1928) or squander your opportunities.

Man has always been of two minds in dealing with his prick. It’s been both an object of great pride and of great shame. In ancient times it was treated with reverence, worshipped as the source of fecundity and perceived to be the power behind motherhood, fertility, food and the seasonal cycles. In Egypt and Greece symbolic representations of it, huge phalluses (late 18th–20thC From the Greek for prick), were carried about in solemn religious processions. In Rome, images of pricks could be found everywhere. There were pricks at the doors of shops, pricks at the city gates, and pricks attached to the chariots of famous generals. Even drinking glasses and goblets were cast in their shape.

According to Wickipedia, St. Priapus Church (French: Église S. Priape) is a North American religion founded in the 1980s that centers on the worship of the phallus. Founded in Montreal Quebec by D. F. Cassidy, the church has a following mainly among gay men in Canada and the United States.

The church, which is named after the Greek godPriapus, teaches that the phallus is the source of life, beauty, joy, and pleasure.The phallus is to be worshipped through a variety of sexual acts, including group masturbation. Semenis also treated with reverence and its consumption is an act of worship.

Priapus

That’s not apparently what the Christian Science Church in Dixon Illinois had in mind when it was recently renovated. It all looks pretty innocent at eye-level; the closer you get to heaven, however, (thanks to Google-Earth) the more is revealed its true essence.

Aerial View

The Church’s stated mission is about unconditional love, spiritual growth and healing based on the Bible, Christ Jesus’ teachings, and the writings of Mary Baker Eddy. Sexologists wonder, however, whether there’s more there than meets the eye. The Church’s motto is “Always Rising.” The sermon for November 7 was, “Who told you that you were naked?”

It wasn’t until 1971, in The Owl and the Pussycat that Barbara Streisand became the first female superstar to say fuck in a major motion picture. Off the set, however, its use was commonplace. During the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn Monroe for constantly arriving late, asking her, “Why can’t you get here on time for fuck’s sake?” To which she replied, “Oh do they have that word in England too?”

A Brown University medical sociologist reports that proctologists are commonly referred to in the profession as “Rear Admirals.” Coincidentally, Dr. Reinhold Aman, editor of Maledicta, noted that when former President Jimmy Carter was treated for a hemorrhoidal condition in 1978, the attending physician was Dr. William Lukash, a real Rear Admiral in the U.S. Navy.

I should like to begin this correspondence with a request. May I call you John? It would then appropriately make this a “Dear John” letter.

I am writing to commend you My Dear John, as well as your Republican cohorts on your brilliant strategy to defund Obamacare, shutdown the government, and use the debt-ceiling limit to gain concessions from the Democrats. It is a bold act of statesmanship and a brilliant political strategy. Congratulations on how well it is working.

What you have created is something much larger and more profound than political maneuvering. You have provided America and the world with a template for action in all fields of human endeavor.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself. I am one of the world’s foremost experts in sex and sexual language. People often turn to me with their sexual dilemmas. I am faced daily with hundreds of personal conundrums and often find myself struggling to provide these lost and tortured souls with guidance. Thanks to you and your colleagues, I now have an approach that will make my work much easier.

Consider the case of three young lovers: a woman and two men. For the sake of anonymity, let us call her Jane Roe. Jane had been wooed by two young suitors whom we will anonymously call “John Doe” and “Dill Doe.” Jane was torn between the two, and dated them both on and off over the past year. Each courted her in their fashion.

Over that time, John proved himself to be loyal, decent, honorable, warm, and decent. He was also rather nice looking, had a good sense of humor, a fine education, and a good job with a promising future. Dill was somewhat of a slob, ill-tempered, unfaithful, unemployed, not very bright, and drank to excess, during which time he was also prone to beat Jane. He was, however, quite well endowed, the possessor of a rather large penis.

After a year of dating the two, Jane came to the conclusion that John would make the better husband. The two then made plans for a wedding and a life together. Dill, however, was furious with her choice, unable to understand why she had chosen John over him. He insisted that she reverse her decision. He came to me for assistance.

Dill and I together came to the conclusion that Jane was ill-informed and not of sound mind when she chose John over him and she should immediately call the marriage off and return to Dill. There was simply no good reason for having chosen John. Just because John was a better human being and would make a much better husband was no reason for having selected him over Dill.

What does Dill want? Dill is not interested in marrying Jane. He simply does not want her to marry John—a not unreasonable request.

Under my advice, Dill took Jane’s father and mother on vacation to a special secluded and unspecified location from which they were unable to communicate with the outside world. He wrote Jane that unless the wedding was called off, he could not be responsible for their safety and well being, including their sexual sanctity. There was a possibility as well that their house might blow up in their absence.

All Dill wants of Jane is to talk with her privately about planning their life together and engage in a quickie. He will not release her parents until she stops the wedding and complies with his request. For some strange reason, she refuses to talk to Dill until he releases her parents. He has given her until Friday to comply.

Stay tuned, John—to see how well your template plays in making all our lives richer and fuller.

By the way, is your name pronounced “bayner” or “boner?” Either way, it’s now synonymous with standing firm.