Weekly Election Update: State Comptroller Report of Doom

The State Comptroller released the report on Operation Protective Edge and like an A list celebrity relationship, it was as predictable as it was devastating. The report accused PM Netanyahu, former DM Moshe “Boogie not Bougie” Ya’alon and other members of the intelligence community of not taking the Hamas tunnels seriously and of hiding information from the security cabinet. Education Minister Naftali Bennett, on the other hand, was credited with not letting the issue of the tunnels go away.

Channel 1 issued a survey after the release of the report. Despite the bad publicity for Netanyahu, he remains the preferred candidate to be Prime Minister. Pesky upstart “Don’t know” is hot on Bibi’s tail with 27% and Lapid is at 17%. Ya’alon finished at 5%. In addition, 40% of people think the report will damage Ya’alon’s political future as opposed to 10% who think it won’t and 50% who were wondering if they get a cash prize after the survey.

Based on all of these great numbers, Ya’alon decided to announce he was launching his own party! I don’t know who is advising Ya’alon politically, but I suspect it is either Bibi Netanyahu or an unripe watermelon. Yaalon’s party will apparently be a centrist party that will fight against dirty politics and save…blah blah blah. Eventually, there will be 53 different centrist parties, each one run by someone who loves the country so much that they can’t bear to go through a primary process or cooperate with any other powerful politician. Ya’alon complained that Begin and Jabotinsky would not succeed in Likud party primaries today though I think that Zombie Begin would still have ten times the charisma of people like Ya’alon and Haim Katz. “We want a full peace, normalization in all fields and BRAIIIIINNNSSSS!!!!” He also fired a shot against Yair Lapid’s well coifed brow for leaking news of a meeting between the two. Those close to Ya’alon said that he is not going to be number 2 in someone else’s party showing us all that it is about the country and the betterment of society.

Meanwhile in Labor…MK Eitan Cabel suffered a huge aspirational hit when audio of him possibly saying that he had made a deal with Shelly Yachimovitch allowing her to run in his Histadrut party in exchange for her support. In the recording, Cabel says that Shelly will be obligated to support him though Cabel claims that he was making an assessment as opposed to stating a fact. Yachimovitch is also denying that a deal was made. The best part of the recordings was when Cabel called current Labor head MK Boogie Herzog a weasel, which is the nicest thing that has been said about Herzog since the last election. Their political rivals condemned the deal as a “combina” a Hebrew word that means political conspiracy, but which is usually applied to deals that are very normal in all democratic politics.