God needed an angel in HeavenTo stand at the Savior's feet;
His choice must be the rarest
A lily pure and sweet.

He gazed upon the mighty throng
Then stopped and picked the best,
Our Nathan was
His Chosen one
with Jesus he's now at rest.

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Nathan's Story

When I found Out I was pregnant I was so excited. Shortly after, my two sister-in-laws found out they too were
expecting. How exciting, we would have three new babies for Christmas. We were having so much fun
comparing everything.

At eighteen weeks my husband and I went in for our first ultrasound. Hoping to find out if our baby was a boy
or girl. We had lost our first child at twelve weeks, due to miscarriage. Our second child, Haley, now 3, was
and always has heen healthy. So we were certain we had no reason to worry about the health of our unborn
baby, right?

I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound nurse went to get the doctor. He was very friendly but said
nothing while studying the ultrasound. Although the doctor did not appear worried the nurse did. He was
looking at the baby's head. I asked, "is everything okay?" She said, softly, "I'll be right back." I knew it was
serious! My husband, Doug, came in. I was hysterically crying and so upset I could not talk. Doug was trying
to calm me down. The nurse returned with a box of Kleenex in hand and said, "The doctor is waiting to talk
with you in his office". We still did not know if our baby was a boy or girl.

We were devastated and in shock. Maybe we can fix this with surgery or something. We were not thinking that
our baby could die.

I tried to regain my composure, but all I could do is cry. Our doctor sat with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm
sorry but your baby is going to die". We were shocked and numb. He explained that our baby had a fatal birth
defect, called Anencephaly, which means the brainstem does not close completely and the brain is unable to
develop. I asked, "how can he still be alive?" He explained that the baby is surviving off of me. I was his
lifeline. He then gave us two options, terminate the pregnancy now or go full term and let nature take its course.
We were very confused. We had never even heard of Anencephaly before. We left feeling numb, still not
knowing if our baby was a boy or girl.

That evening our doctor called. He informed us our unborn baby was a boy. Our first son. Shortly after, we
chose his name, Nathan Douglas. We prayed that our son's future would be determined by God, not by us. We
knew we could not handle this. We prayed to God to give us strength and the wisdom to deal with the days to
come.

We now had to decide what decision would be right for us. We researched everything. I called everyone I
could think of; the Anencephaly Support Foundation, March of Dimes and even accessed the Internet for
information. How could this be happening?

Doug held it together pretty well until we had to tell Haley. We told her that her little brother was sick and was
going to die. She knew that Nathan's head was broke and he was very sick. She knew Jesus would take him to
heaven soon and that he would be her guardian angel.

Within the next few days we told our doctor we would be continuing the pregnancy. Our doctor was relieved
with our decision, We called our family and asked for their support. God chose us to be his parents for a
reason. We were going to do everything we could for him. Nathan would know we didn't give up on him and
that under all circumstances he would have a safe and happy home. He is a true gift from God.

I did not want to tell my sister-in-laws, I was afraid they would think this would happen to them. I was praying
that their babies were fine. It was hard to be happy for them knowing mine was going to die. I did not want to
take away from their joy. It was difficult to hide my true feelings. I felt jealous knowing they would be having
healthy baby boys and I felt guilty for my feelings.

I
People were shocked at our decision. They would say, 'He's going to die anyway, just get over it and move on",
or 'he's not a real person if he doesn't have a brain". These statements were so very hurtful. We knew what
was right for Nathan and us. They had no idea what we were going through. They thought they were being
helpful. I know now they just didn't understand.

It is the most devastating hurt that goes deep in your heart and soul. They say that it gets easier. I hope so. I
worked hard to bring Nathan into this world. I gave him life for a short while, but God will give him eternal
life.

It was so hard to be happy and funtion doing my daily tasks. I had no energy. I felt numb to the world, like
I'm walking in someone else's shoes. My world was shattering around me. People prayed for a miracle not
realizing I believed Nathan was already our miracle. I believe God does not give you more than you can handle,
but it was a lot to absorb.

I am powerless, I am helpless, and I am frustrated. I can only sit and cry for my son.

June 26, 1999, the day had come to be induced. We had mixed emotions. We would be happy to finally meet
our son and sad to know the end was near. We were praying for him to be born alive. I wanted a chance to say
hello before I had to say goodbye, forever. We asked my mother to be in the room in order to perform his
baptism which was very important to us.

At 7:44p.m., Nathan came into the world and met his mommy and daddy. As soon as he was born he let out a
huge cry. He was alive! We were shocked but extremely happy. Our family was outside the door and came
running in after hearing his cry. They were overcome with joy. There were a lot of hugs and tears. We were so
happy and overjoyed but we knew he could die any minute. He weighed 5 lb. 2 oz. and was 17 ½" long. He
had tons of black hair. Nathan was just perfect!

We were able to take our son home a few hours after he was born. We were not prepared for this. I didn't do a
nursery, buy clothes or even diapers. Nothing was ready. We were more prepared for his death.
When we arrived home everything was decorated with balloons and banners. There were family and friends
there to greet us. It was very overwhelming. I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

Nathan was getting weak toward the end. His breathing very shallow.

At 8:46p.m. on June 27, 1999, just 25 hours and 2 wonderful minutes after his birth, Nathan looked at me, took
his last breath and peacefully went to heaven to be our precious baby angel. I will cherish that moment forever.
He died exactly the way I planned. I was rocking him in the same chair that I rocked and nursed my daughter.
My husband was kneeling beside me and my mom on the other side. We prayed as we all said our good-byes.
It was the most heart wrenching moment in my life, to have my son die in my arms.

I think of all the other babies who died way to soon. I think of the other grieving parents. It's sadness like no
other. We as parents are left to wonder at the "what its". Our dreams are shattered of what could have been.
When you become pregnant you have all these hopes and dreams for your children and when they die you are
left with such sorrow and unexplainable ache. Only those loosing an infant can understand this pain. My breast
ache to nurse my son. My arms ache to hold him.

Writing these words is a part of my healing. I want to remember every detail forever. Haley is just three and
understands that her mom cries a lot. If you ask Haley where her brother is she now points to heaven. I want
her to know what we have gained because of Nathan. Doug and I are closer than ever. We appreciate life and
value our relationships. We learned life is very short and you need to share your feelings and love for others.
We learned every life is a precious gift. We speak of Nathan, not denying his death, but proclaiming his life,
learning to live with his absence. We learned to take nothing for granted and we have no regrets.

My husband has been so strong. I know he cries but doesn't want me to see. We made our decision together.
I'm glad we had the strength to stand up for what is right. We have a peace in our hearts knowing we did the
right thing. Nathan was worth all the tears and grieving we will go through. His memory will burn in our heart
and souls forever.

I'm glad I had time to prepare for Nathan's death. I was able to take pictures and video. We have embossed his
footprints. I am making a memory album and journaling my thoughts. I feel a lot of peace in my heart when I
write. It gives me comfort to read the words of encouragement from family, friends and even strangers.

It was very unnatural to have to plan a funeral for our unborn son. I was glad I had eighteen weeks to prepare. I
wanted to make this the most beautiful goodbye for our precious Nathan. We decided we did not want the
traditional casket and we chose something more meaningful. A bassinet covered with Battenberg lace, bows
and flowers, which cradled our son during his funeral. His funeral was precious, pure and peaceful.

I hope this letter gives people hope that all babies are worth our love.

Nathan was truly blessed to know the gentleness of his mothers touch, the soothing sounds of her voice,
the tenderness of her hugs and kisses. He went to heaven having experienced the most pure and perfect
love! That of a family!
Written by Robin Bishop

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Note: Anencephaly affects 1 in 1000 babies. They have a 35% chance of making it full term and a 50%
chance of being born alive. It is always fatal.

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