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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Holy Crapture

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, the Rapture is occurring today. At five forty five p.m. I’m not sure if that’s Eastern, Greenwich Mean Time or what. But I’m sure you’re all as concerned as I am.

First, will you be left behind? This handy chart will surely answer that question. Don’t feel bad if you weren’t Raptured. It just means you aren’t as good as Macho Man Randy Savage.

If you are one of the ones stuck behind with me, there are a few things you can do to prepare.

First of all, we don’t know what kind of apocalypse it will be: flood, fire, nuclear war, plague, zombie or even demonic invasion. I suggest finding a bomb shelter or some other underground hideaway. If you don’t already have one built in your backyard, that is. A close friend or neighbor might allow you to join them, but it’s dangerous to approach the shelter of a stranger, who could mistake you for the walking dead/demon, or just not want to share their food.

Second, make sure you have enough food and water for at least three weeks. Head down to Costco and nab up those ten gallon drums of baked beans. Honestly, does one need anything else for post-Apocalyptic bomb shelters? But don’t forget: clean water is very important. You don’t know whether water sources will be polluted (nuclear war will be very detrimental to freshwater). So start stocking up. Remember that three weeks of supplies is only the bare minimum. You don’t know it will ever be safe to emerge.

And as it’s dangerous to go up, it will be dangerous to allow people in. They could be infected with plague or zombie, and then your preparations will have been for nothing. That’s why it’s important to get there early and lock up tight. No matter how much they beg or plead, don’t open that door. As anyone who has watched any horror movie ever will know, this will lead to your death. Don’t worry so much about disease within your shelter. Without contact with the outside world, there is little chance that will happen.

Also, be sure to keep plenty of batteries/a generator on hand. Now might be a good time to find a hand powered generator. Otherwise, make a trip to the gas station. It’s not like you’ll need that money for anything else. As for the batteries, obviously rechargeables are useless. Go for nickel batteries, which have the longest lifespans. But keep use of batteries to a minimum. I’d suggest for emergency flashlight use only.

Wanting internet access is not unreasonable, although it will require extra preparation. You’ll want to make sure your bomb shelter is equipped with high speed DSL, although a phone line will do in a pinch. Be sure to have extra batteries for your laptop! You don’t know how long your generator will hold out, so keep them all charged. It’s not recommended to use a desktop computer, which uses much more energy than a laptop.

Finally, when down in the bomb shelter, it’s easy to let cabin fever set in. It is for this reason that it is recommended you not obtain any weapons, or keep them in a secure location outside the shelter, lest you start thinking your sheltermates are out to get you because they accidentally stepped on your foot. Unless you want things to degenerate to SHINING level slaughter, keep yourself occupied. Buy jumbo books of Crosswords. Finally read WAR AND PEACE. Learn a foreign language. Knit an afghan. Most of all, remember that they are just as annoyed with you as you are with them, and it’s nothing to take offense over.

Well, I hope this has helped you prepare for the rapture. Let’s hang out sometime. Heck, we could do it more than once. We have all eternity.

Join us tomorrow where we’ll discuss survival in our new post-apocalyptic hell on Earth!

*N.B. This post was written with tongue firmly in cheek and it’s hoped no one takes offense. I’ve no intention of mocking religion, any religion. I just think it’s silly to expect that the world is ending, and even if it was, that humans would be aware of it.