The top things women worry about during sex (and how to get over them)

16 July 2017

Here's how to let them go

By Natalie Healey

It's natural to have sexual hang-ups, but stressing rather than sighing (for the right reasons) is a huge passion killer. We chatted to renowned sexpert Tracey Cox for her tips on how to lose your bedroom worries once and for all.

Worry 1: I don't want to be naked

Confidence niggles are normal, but a poor body image has a direct effect on our ability to enjoy sex. Tracey says:

'A huge number of studies have shown body-conscious women are more timid, less likely to initiate sex, try new positions or talk about their needs than women who are content with their bodies. The truth is, men don't look at it and think 'porridge', they think 'Let me get my hands on that.'

'It's all very well to make yourself look great in a selfie, but when you're actually having to take your clothes off in front of somebody, it's a different story.'

It takes some effort, but Tracey believes you can lose your body issues. For starters, it's worth remembering that when you're naked, all your partner is likely thinking about is how fantastic you look, she says.

It helps if they verbalise those thoughts and tell you what they love about your body, so perhaps try asking. And remember, you're not the only one with insecurities. Build up your partner's confidence by telling them what you love about their physique, too.

Tracey reminds us that sex is about what's happening on the inside, not the outside. Close your eyes and try to focus on what you're feeling rather than how you're looking. And while a lot of advice tells you to never have sex with the lights off, Tracey believes that sex in the dark is better than no sex at all if you're really body conscious. There's no need to feel ashamed if that's your preference. She points out that the most flattering lighting is from below. Put tea lights on saucers for some softly-lit intimacy. Just make sure they're nowhere near the bedspread!

A lot of us settle for second-rate sex because we don't know how to communicate what turns us on and what doesn't.

Tracey says these problems actually start at the very beginning of a relationship. You're both so enamoured with each other, you don't want to cause upset by pointing out what doesn't work for you.

'So by the time you're thinking 'Actually, I'm a bit sick of this now', it's already been established as the routine of having sex. So it's hard to say 'That thing you do that I've been pretending I liked at the beginning, I'm not so into it now.'

If that does happen, protect your partner's ego by saying 'Can we try this instead?' Always be as tactful as possible. And as a general rule when asking for things in bed, always ask for what you want more of, not what you want less of.

Worry 3: I don't orgasm when we have sex

Climax doesn't always have to be the ultimate sexual goal. Most men find it pretty easy to orgasm, and can manage it every time they have intercourse. But unfortunately for women, the female response isn't quite as automatic. Lots of aspects effect our ability to reach the big O, from the mood we're in or how energetic we're feeling to the amount we've had to drink. But a big problem is that we've known for years than 80% of women don't orgasm from penetration alone, and yet we still insist on continuing this myth that women have orgasms at the same time men do. It puts tremendous stress on women if it doesn't happen, says Tracey.

'I get tonnes of women writing to me saying 'Why can't I have an orgasm during intercourse? What's wrong with me? He says his ex used to every time, and it's making me feel really stressed.'

If this sounds familiar, it's unlikely to happen without a little help. First steps first, if you're not doing it already, start masturbating and *really* pay attention when you do. Learn exactly what you're doing with your fingers to make that climax happen: the speed, technique, pressure. Tracey even suggests having a break from your vibrator and taking the time to get yourself off manually because it's easier for someone else to replicate what you do with your fingers, rather than a pulsating device. To improve your chances of orgasming while your man's inside of you, ask him to stimulate your clitoris with his fingers at the same time.

In an ideal world, we'd fall for someone with the same sex drive as us. But this can be incredibly hard to predict at the beginning; when you're in the honeymoon period, your sex drive is falsely boosted. Tracey says:

'You could get somebody with a very low sex drive who wants tonnes of it at the start, but as time goes on it goes back to your resting libido. It's a bit hard to tell what your partner's sex drive is like until you're about nine months in.'

If your sex life has become routine, getting yourself in the mood can be tricky. But Tracey says you can prevent sex becoming stale by trying new things. It seems like obvious advice, she acknowledges, but people rarely seem to take it.

She suggests getting your partner to write down 10 new things they'd love to do with you but have been previously too scared to ask for (obviously don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable).

'Ask yourself the following: will it have an effect physically on my body? Serious bondage, for instance, can leave marks on your body that are hard to explain. Will it have an effect on you emotionally? Will you feel resentful afterward? Jealous during it (if it's sex that involves other people)? Most importantly: are you doing it simply to stop your partner leaving you? If the answer is 'yes', forget it – and him/her. If you manage to skate through all these without really coming up with a good reason not to try it, agree to try it once.'

Worry 5: My partner watches porn and it bothers me

Pornography can be a polarising subject in relationships for all sorts of reasons. Whether it's a moral objection or simply a worry that your partner isn't getting all of his sexual stimulation from you, most men do watch it and a ban isn't going to do either of you any favours.

Studies show only about 5% of porn users have a problem that interferes with their daily life. And most sex therapists says that whatever draws a man to porn, it's rarely a reflection of their partner. It's not about what they're not getting at home, rather it's the novelty and variety. Tracey says:

"Women can take it personally, or think it means their partner is bored with their sex life. But it's not: men just like looking at naked women doing naughty things. Some women think it's disgusting their partner watches porn, but they're the same people who bought all those Fifty Shades books and that's porn as well."

She says lots of women watch pornography with their partner and it's something she'd recommend to most people in relationships. Perhaps seek out erotica that is specifically made for couples and produced by female filmmakers. Soon you might even fancy watching it by yourself.

'Obviously if you think porn is morally degrading to women you shouldn't be forced to watch it with your partner. That's absolutely ridiculous. But if you both don't mind it, it can do wonders for a relationship. It's really hard to have great sex with one person for the rest of your life. So anything that you can do which doesn't involve bringing other bodies into the bed is worth a go.'