Friday, 25 August 2017

Douglas Ross MP, A Life in Fixtures

Refereeing is my life. It's who I am. Refereeing is important because people are basically untrustworthy and need someone to keep them in line. Can you imagine a world without referees? No, neither can I. It doesn't bear thinking about. My refereeing informs my politics, and that's why I am a Scottish Conservative. Without a strong Westminster government the UK would fall apart. Inferior races like we Scots are simply not capable of organising ourselves. But I don't like to dwell on politics very much, it usually just causes a lot of unpleasantness. Only recently a car full of complete strangers hurled abuse at me as they drove past, and that had nothing to do with me reporting them for parking illegally, a job every public spirited individual should do with pride, but because they can sense my moral superiority and it threatens them.

As a child I always wanted to be a policeman. Or a traffic warden at least. But then, isn't it every young lad's dream to put the boot into peace protestors, or should one fail the entrance exam sticking a parking ticket on the windscreen of a disability vehicle? Most of the folk who park in those spaces aren't really disabled, you know. And yet the Scottish Government stubbornly refuses to reduce the number of disabled parking spaces, despite my petition.

Even at my part time job I daydreamed about refereeing.

Sadly my boyhood ambition was not to be. But as an avid admirer of the constabulary I often hang out at the police station to enjoy the atmosphere of order and testosterone. At least I did until the Chief Constable asked me not to.I stood for the Scottish Parliament because, being a referee on my feet all day it seemed the ideal job, getting paid to sit down for a change in a nice warm comfortable room. Plus expenses. Plus they have SKY Sports on the refectory tv.

At Holyrood the seats are so comfy I didn't bother leaving
the chamber to go to the toilet.

Now I'm important everyone wants a
selfie with me. Like this bloke.
Whoever he is.

But now I'm an MP in the Mother of Parliaments. It's great, I get to go to London just like a real politician. I thought it might be hard at first but if anything it's easier, all I do is walk down the lobby the whips tell me to and say my name. I don't know what the other MPs make such a fuss about, there's nothing to it. Refereeing is much much harder.