Crazy Libs!

I don’t have much time to write right now, but I’ve got a fair few things to say. So, in the meantime, enjoy these “crazy libs” from Rinkworks.com that my apartment did last night.

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Dear Sweetheart,

I lay awake all during the signing of the Declaration of Independence thinking of you, your morose smile, and our tryst in the butte. Quickly, I recall our meeting, how my heart ran with lust when I first saw you. How paranoid you looked in that puce sash and those two saintly ascots on your necks!

I cherished every moment we were together and was big when our date came to a close. I can’t say how immediately I regret spilling hydrochloric acid on your earlobe; you were suicidal about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you’re suicidal.

You’re polysyllabic most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of apple juice, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as vampires. Your lips are like succulent artichokes. Your hair is pasty white like a giraffe on a summer’s day. Your elbows are two not so wee squigglies of fantasy.

I can’t wait to clap with you again. Write soon.

Financially,

Your Friend

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How To Be Romantic

Some things are inherently romantic, like igneous rocks. This is very useful, because you can gore things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or calculus. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it’s crazy, it’s not romantic. For example, high powered sedimentary rocks are not romantic.

Squishy Things

Thermostats are romantic. Pikachus are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in squishy things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are squishy. The rule is simple. Corrupt things are squishy. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a corrupt package, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s squishy.

Tickle Me Pink

Tickle me pink is romantic, because tickle me pink is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Tickle me pink roses mean, “I love you.” Laser lemon roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are on acid, and I hate you.” So you do not want to be wrong. Get her tickle me pink roses, tickle me pinkmonuments, tickle me pink metamorphic rocks, tickle me pinkthermostats, and tickle me pinkcockroaches , and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.

The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever

Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a corrupttickle me pink coffee table made out of chocolate and shaped like a llama holding a dolphin with Pikachus all over it that eats a stool when you spy it.