Topics - Mistre

It's been some time since I last wrote. Mostly because I thought I hadn't anything to share with you.

Maybe that's still the case, but if anything, this may serve as a reminder to myself. Hopefully, to all who wish to take the path towards illumination.

We are not special.

It doesn't matter if we finally discovered the "Black Iron Prison" around us. Or that we started our jailbreak. Or that we finally realized that jailbreaking is too much of a hassle, and really, how would we jailbreak from our own mind? That's impossible! We might as well make our prison comfy and easy to live.

We are not special.

Sit there. Think of ourselves as above all that "sheeple" who go around the day without thinking, simply following routine. We are so above all that, aren't we? We can see the prison! We changed the decoration! Just last week, we decided that that wall simply had to go.

We are not special.

Big fucking deal! What's the difference that our prison is a bit more "home-ly" than that of the other!? WE ARE THE FUCKING PRISON, AREN'T WE!? But, oh no! Let's keep patting each other on the back, congratulating ourselves for being "so above all that". Let's change the name, golden the pill, so to say!

Know what? Stopping at decorating my prison is not enough for me. It's time to go back to jailbreaking. Maybe, as some say, I will end up in another prison. Maybe I will finally be free.

It may have been hubris, but I attempted to tread the path of enlightment. My objective was simple, cleanse myself from the outside noise to discover the real "me", and from that, see how far could I take myself mentally.

My epiphanies, which, despite being small and far-between, were greatly treasured by me, led me to this point:

I don't know to which point I am still myself. Can I truly have an identity if I am formed of the background noise that surrounds me?Can I still call myself a individual after acknowledging that every piece of me is not something I produced, but rather some junk I picked along the way and assimilated?

I tried to see where my mind stops and where the preconceived notions begins, but how can I be sure my observational abilities aren't affected?I tried to see myself as an art project, like an sculpture, a book, integrating the parts that I fancied into myself, shaping thus my body, mind and life towards an aesthetic notion that pleased me.

(Did this make me an automaton? Was I one all along?)

When I saw things objectively, I could only see emptiness. And while acknowledging this emptiness, decided to create a reason for myself, a reason that, while subjective and abstract, was truly mine.However, to which extent my thoughts are mine? Is my identity just a response to the stimulus that once surrounded me?

The answer that rings true is yes, and this realization demands more thinking.

Perhaps the buddhists were right all along, and our true identity is nothing, just emptiness. And the true path of enlightment is just the denial of the "self".

While the idea of a philosophy that denies the "self" sends shivers down my spines, even now I can recognize the this way of thinking did not come from me, but Nietzsche and his discourse about religions/philosophies that denied life.

I could say that I am simply my body, and the chemical reactions that occur in it, but my mind hasn't become what it is by the development of my body. My body is but a mirror, my experiences the light, and my mind the reflection. This reflection interacted with itself, warping the light, but it does not change from where the light has come.My identity is, therefore, a simple illusion.

Can I truly accept such existence one with free will?If my mind interacts sufficiently with itself, would it be able to escape the influence of my past, and become something created by itself?Is it possible to one's mind produce it's own, extending the metaphor, light?

Beware the sensation of peace and serenity as your inner conflict ceases to exist, as it's false.

It's contempt. Simple contempt, and no pretty words around it will change this fact.

This so called "inner peace" is nothing but a euphemism for inner death, a state where you cease to evolve, cease to try to be better, to criticize yourself and struggle with your preconceived notions.

It's in the inner conflict that one may able to hone yourself, as it's how we change.

Do not try to be zen. Zen is not something you try to be, it is something you become by serendipity in the path of enlightment.. It is not the cessation of inner conflict, but the achievement of a higher form of inner conflict, an objective and focused form.

It's not about acceptance, it's about acknowledgement.It's not about peace, it's about proper battles.It's not static, it's dynamic.

Not to sound depressing, I do believe life can be enjoyable, and nowadays there are a lot of things that are a hundred times better than in the past, and while the situation is nowhere near to perfect, and is arguably good, it is not as bad as it once was. But I have to ask where all of this is going. As this is a time of crisis.

And I do not say that the crisis will be the cause, but the excuse. I've noticed that extreme views have been rising exponentially, specially inside the governments.

I keep seeing these... signs. These opportunities for a trend of dictatorial governments and similars to arise across the globe, that will come with the passing of years, and this is bad. Really bad.

Do we really decide by ourselves, or are we just being controlled by chemical reactions that run amok our brains, fucking things up and dictating what we should do, what we should eat, where should we go?

Both and neither.

What people fail to perceive is that, either way, we have free will. We decide things, because we ARE these chemical reactions.If we love, love isn't a separate entity that comes and goes at her whims and is a real bitch.We are love. We are hate. We are jealously. We are happiness.We are our emotions, our thoughts, our impulses.They don't control us, for they are part of us.And we should accept them.

I am not saying you should go in a killing spree everytime you get pissed off.I am saying that this urge to go in a killing spree that we feel when we get pissed, this love we feel when we see our crush, this happiness we feel when we get a good grade, a promotion or a raise, is part of us, and the very concept of treating these things as separate entities, or worse, repressing them, is like amputating parts of your body because you don't think they are pretty.

And, while it is sometimes necessary, amputation is not a thing to be used in such a trivial manner.

It starts with small cuts. Some concessions, some words that were never spoken, some people that were never punched.Little by little, we are a little less than we were before.Slowly, but steadily, we lose our deeper feelings, seeking only the white sugar of emotions that is the entertainment. And while white sugar is tasty, and it helps when drinking a bitter drink, it does not feed.

Eventually, these souls will end up disfigured, unable to move, unable to act.Lobotomized and drooling on themselves uselessly.

This is sad. And pisses me off.

Let's try to understand ourselves. Our urges. Our desires. Our emotions.And, if we really wish, improve ourselves by our own standards, not because some asshole told us to. But because we want, and this desire is part of us too.Let's accept who we really are.

So, yeah. I am posting this here, though I am not sure if this should be in the rants section, or even if it should be in this forum.It's really personal, so, please, be kind when you post here. I am not a native speaker, so, if you see any errors, please tell me so I may improve my english a little bit further.

1 - English is not my first language2 - A lot of what I am going to write may seem to be nonsense,or to be irrelevant.Maybe it is,but what I am writing is what I feel it is right to write, thus, I would like to ask to everyone who posts here to be honest about what they think, and why they think that.3 - While I will not say that I wrote this to myself, as I am posting it here, I shall say that it is extremely personal, not in the sense that it might be unique, but in the sense that it is one of the views that are part of who is "me", so, yeah, it would be swell if you could be nice and all to me.

Beggining - Now

We are born. And then consume food, be it meat, bet it plant, be it fungus. We feed. We grow. We die.

From our corpses the bugs and microbes feed,and our own body becomes dirt. And plants grow. And plants are eaten.

The animals that are now eating the plants are being killed by other animals. These animals that now are killing will soon be killed.

They are killed.

They were killed.

And again,they are eaten. We are all eaten, we are all killed.

We can be killed by ourselves, be it slowly as natural decay, be it quickly as suicide (Or maybe that is a redundancy?).

And then,from our corpse, bugs and microbes will grow,and from these remains,plants will eventually grow too.And eventually be eaten.

All that is alive was dead.All that is dead was alive.

What is death if not just a transformation?

What is life if not another.

It's all a trade.

We are not truly dead, as part of us will always remain alive through others.Nor we are truly alive, as we are dying by each breath we take, and several parts of us are now dead.