http://blog.tsemtulku.com/9 hours agotsemtulku: I gave up everything to be here. None of my most heartfelt wishes or general wishes on a personal level has been fulfilled by being here. By being a guru, I have fulfilled nothing for myself whatsoever. Which is ok, but the tremendous disappointments that I face daily, monthly and yearly with no end in sight is something that if I had not practiced for decades, I could not withstand at all.... The hardest thing about being a teacher besides not wanting to be a teacher is watching students not transform and secondly raising funds. Students who makes excuses, who are troublesome, who do not fulfill commitments, deceptive and also simply do not consider the dharma in their actions.Raising funds for a worthy cause is just so difficult and near impossible. The amount of energy, time, talking and hustling I have to personally do for this is a huge turn off as I have been doing it for years and do not see anyone taking over. One one hand I speak dharma then money...TR

10 hours agotsemtulku: Two years ago I contacted my seniors in the sangha and requested them to please send a senior old monk here to take over Kechara. I would like to retire. I started kechara, but if a better and much more qualified monk can take over I would be sincerely happy and rejoice. I wanted very much to return to the Monastery or in the mountains of North India, Thailand or Nepal and go into retreat. I just want to retreat. They said no and asked me to continue with no room for ‘bargaining’. Last year I asked again and the answer came out no again. This year I asked and sought divination and again it was said I must stay here and long term. I of course agreed because I don’t want to disrespect senior sangha. I don’t want to be well known, deal with thousands, raise funds, be an open target, make the dharma centre grow, beg people to transform and constantly convince everyone to do more dharma/dharma work and weed out insincere people always. That is not me. I wouldn’t call this a sacrifice though. It’s like

10 hours agotsemtulku: The only RIGHT CHOICE is doing dharma 100% before it's too late and death strikes. Doing dharma to me is to be in a quiet place with a few people and not being a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher and if I can stop being one now, I would stop immediately. Being a teacher is taking tremendous responsibilities that take so much time away from deeper contemplative practices. Having to raise funds, convince people, living in faraway unfamiliar lands, building, paying bills for the centre/staff, dealing with red tape,bias, meeting hundreds of people non-stop, abuses, using so much time on people who are not sincere, and always having to deal with so many personalities and having to convince them. After much effort and years of effort towards some people, they still don't practice-IS THE HARDEST PART OF MY 'JOB'. There is a right choice and that is to do dharma. I have to do dharma even under my current circumstances which has been given to me by my teachers and there is no way out. TR

11 hours agotsemtulku: Leaving Howell, New Jersey for Los Angeles was the best and worst thing I have ever done in my life. It was the worst because if I had stayed and was allowed to I would of continued to study with my first teacher Kensur Lobsang Tharchin Rinpoche (I would love that), lived a quiet life of a practitioner and did my practice and not be a guru myself. I wanted that so much! I would have been a quiet private person and not a guru which I don't want to be. It was the worst thing because I had to become a guru... So much responsibilities than just teaching alone that comes with being a guru. It was the best thing only because I met HH Kyabje Zong Rinpoche in California. In Los Angeles I had a few great opportunities. I chose the one Zong Rinpoche told me would be best. It was the best thing I did by leaving New Jersey because I met Zong Rinpoche. All decisions have good and bad in life and we have to accept it eventually and do our best with it..TR