When I was a teenager I fell like no one was thear for me and I felt out of control and like I was going to kill some one because I would kick and punch and throw the glass at people and put windows threw and kick doors and it did tack some times for mummy bear to go to ANE with quite bad war wunds and some times I hurt my self by cutting and biting.

No one understand and I was in the big dark hole ad I could see the light at end of the hole and it felt like I was on herowin and I loved my mum very much ad I felt like I was tiring her heart out. when I felt I was doing that it broke my heart because she was the oley one how understand me and she was thear for me but when I us to get angry I hold breath ad felt like my hart was going fast and I was missing some think. I was having rally bad dreams ad I hate school ad I felt every one tort I was a freak and I was the kid how every one won’t to avoid me ad I us to cry when I went to bed because I just won’t I’d to be a person who was nomel ad I hate that word.

Now I fell more love for my mum than ever because I can see the light ad now I don’t get angry because I go and listen to London Grammer or go and see my rats ad ginny pigs and rabbits and it mack me fell worth some think and it mack me fell like I’m very lucky ad I rally like it when I can be close to people.

the closer I am the better because of the heat ad the breething cams me down and that I just cry. it’s not easy for me to cry because I don’t fell able to cry because I fell like I’m a wimp. I rally like skin to skin because I see that like I’m hear for u and don’t worry you r someone and no one thinks your a freak. if it’s was up to me I would do the safe hold skin to skin because I fell safe in it like that but I no its not aprpriat.

I have bursts of betting them up ad calling them hobble names ad when they do the safe hold I like it because I no thear thear ad I’m safe but I can get quite a gresive but I no its all going to be ok and now we don’t have to do the safe hold much. when I do get angry and do crave self harming because it gives u a burst of e adrenalin rush ad I do crave drugs ad vodka ad some times when they have been triggers I fell more sex up and macho.

but now I fell more protective over my guys and less angry and I don’t like people getting in trouble and I’m more quite and shy and more orkwoukd and pease full. Mum says I am a good guy.

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3 thoughts on “The Teenager Who Felt Nothing But Scared”

Dear Jazz, I love your writing. You are so expressive and creative. You help to explain what feeling anger is really like and that helps many other families and their children and young people. Lots of love Sally xx

Aaw, you obviously love each other very much, that takes courage to say that I felt like that sometimes when I was a teenager its hard to understand your reactions at the time but your getting in touch with yourself, that’s great some people go through life blinkered!

I’ve just read your other post about feeling anxiety and I asked how you relaxed. I feel really happy reading here that you have times when you can feel more chilled. I love London Grammer too. Music has always been my way of feeling safe and I’ve always found song words very helpful for describing how I feel. The more times you can feel relaxed the more you’ll be able to cope with some of these scary, horrible feelings. Hearing how much you love Mummy Bear is wonderful. You can love, you’re not a freak at all. You’re just someone who has a lot going on inside.

There is a line in the film Practical Magic where one of the characters says that “being normal rather denotes a lack of courage”. You have courage in bucketfuls. Being normal is overrated xx