[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]

Phoebe: (angrily) Thats like the tenth time Ive peed since Ive
been here!

Monica: Thats also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe: Yeah, oh Im sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya,
its a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da
Funk on your bladder! Iím so tired of being pregnant! I
can't sleep, except on my back which hurts! So I can't sleep! The only happiness I get is from a
cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, causeOh! Im pregnant!

Ross: Pheebs, did you want a cookie?

Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe: I havent really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Ross: All right, heres the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans
on giving Emily)

Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning
bachelor parties, dont you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler: Oh, its awkward. Its awkward. Its awkward.

Ross: I sortve already asked Chandler.

Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross: Joey, I figured youd understand. I mean, I-Ive known him a lot
longer.

Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I dont have any brothers; Ill never get
to be a best man!

Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey: (pause) Ill never get to be a best man!

Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never
get to be yours at all?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, youyeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you
just said I could!

Chandler: Im not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for
science fiction writers!

Joey: I cant believe youre not picking me.

Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!

Chandler: Im not even Im not even

Ross: Fine, yknow what, thats it. From now on, Joey, I want you to
be my best man.

Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come youre having a party
and were not invited?

Joey: Oh, its Rosss bachelor party.

Monica: Sooo?

Joey: Are you bachelors?

Monica: Nooo!

Joey: Are you strippers?

Rachel: Nooo!

Joey: Then youre not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel: All right fine! Youre not invited to the party were gonna
have either.

Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel: Well umm

Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I dont want to do!
Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe: I cant believe Im gonna have a party! This is so great!
(Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and
Rachel moves to comfort her.) I dont know why.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.]

Joey: This is what Ive got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a
lot of liquor.

Ross: Great. Great.

Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, Ive got you, me, and
Chandler and Im gonna invite Gunther cause, well, weve been talking
about this pretty loud.

Gunther: Ill be there.

Joey: All rightoh! Listen, I know this is your party, but Id really
like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, lets not invite any of the anthropologists, only
the dinosaur dudes!

Joey: Okay! Well need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross: Yeah, see, I dont think its gonna that difficult considering
this one wont be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler: Oh, Im Ross. Im Ross. Im too good for the Hut;
Im too good for the Hut.

Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just
remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing
poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey: You got it.

Ross: Okay, see ya later.

Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.)
Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.]

Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel
what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the
babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel: Little village people.

Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favorite. (Its a little pink
and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebes not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica: Because shes not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after
sheís done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila,
a carton of cigarettes!

Rachel: What? She doesn't smoke.

Monica: It's the thought that counts.

Rachel:Oh no, it's a great idea, it's a
great.-- Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants shes always wanted!

Monica: Oh, shes gonna love that!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebes baby shower, she is holding those leather
pants, and isnt happy about it.]

Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it
would make me feel better to give me stuff that I canít use for another two
months?! This sucks! Who gave me this?!

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Oh, oh. All right, then
I'm wrong! It's a great gift! The best present I ever got! OH! All right,
whatís my next present?!

All: I dont have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their
gifts behind their backs.)

Phoebe: All right, fine, then this is over.
(gets up and kicks a present. Then heads to the bathroom where on the way she
pulls down one of the ribbon strips laying across the room) God! (Then she
starts hitting some balloons.) Balloons!! (Monica and Rachel are shocked to say
the least.)

Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him whats on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani,
with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I
just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the
stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper: Great!

Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chili on your neck. (Chandler checks and
runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great.
And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, dont forget your shirt.

Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, partys over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice
lady. There you go. Back to your parents basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit
and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out!
Here you go. All right.

The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey: Yeah!

The Stripper: Wow, I didnt know they let you keep chickens and ducks as
pets.

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the
wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck
complies.)

The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw
one hell of a party.

Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin ya. And listen if any of my
friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday

The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. Ill let you play with my duck.

[Scene: Joeys bedroom, its the middle of the night, hes waking up and
discovers hes alone in bed.]

Joey: Hey, (realizes he doesnít know her name.) stripper! (He notices
that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees itís empty and starts to
panic. He runs out of his room and starts banging on Chandlerís door) The
stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get
up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler: (opening the door) What?

Joey: The ring is gone!

Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for thisAh-ha-ha!!
You lost the ring! Youre the worst best man ever!

Joey: Dude, this isnt funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night,
everythings cool! I wake up this morning, the strippers gone and the ring is
gone!

Chandler: You slept with the stripper?

Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.]

Phoebe: Hi, guys.

Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebes way.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.]

Joey: Ugh! I dont know what Im going to do! I called the company
that sent and th-they dont care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they yelld at me, if this
isnt an emergency, then what is?

Chandler: I'll tell ya, Joe. I really wanna help
you out but I got plans to go see Titanic so I've to got call 9-1-1 to
found out what time it starts! (Joey looks like he is going to yell at
Chandler.)

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey

Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And
the guys from work had a blast. Yknow, one of them had never been to a bachelor
party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so

Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, thats nice!

Ross: Yeah, right!

Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for
myself, I might want to get one of those

Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and
the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little
squeeze.)

Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride
who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler: So you might say, its a magic ring.

Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross: Huh?

Joey: What?

Ross: What-what did you just---

Chandler: I think I heard what he said. I
believe it was, oh yes, "The stripper stole the ring."

Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said theyre gonna look into
it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross: Okay, well, well call the company that sent her!

Joey: I did that too! They wouldnt give me her real name or her number.
They said, "If I bothered them again theyd call the police." I said,
"If you talk to the police, you tell them Im missing a ring!"

Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That theres
nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I

Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her
come to my office?

Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but weve got a ring to find!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]

Monica: Heres your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a
step back.)

Phoebe: No. Its all right; its probably false labor. They said
that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica: The Bible?!

Rachel: I dont know!

[Scene: Chandlers office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.]

Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk.
And-and when she comes in hopefully, she wont recognize you because, well, why would
she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and Ill
be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross: Diverse.

(Theres a knock on the door.)

The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?

Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all
turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.)
Hey, Joey?

Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys: Yeah!

Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? (Joey looks at Ross
and smiles.) Look, I dont need to
steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys
make that?

Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do,
since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.]

Joey: I dont get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didnt
take it, and I didnt take it; and you (Chandler) didnt take it, then who did?
(The duck quacks.) Shh! Were trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realize it at the
same moment and stare at Joey, who doesnt get it. After a short pause, with the duck
still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labor.]

Rachel: I still dont get how you know when its false labor.

Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean I dont know, its just, I guess I
know its going to be over soon.

Rachel: Well, isnt that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe: I know. Its just yknow usually when youre, when
youre done with the pregnant thing, yknow, then you get to do the mom thing.
Im gonna be yknow, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica: Some moms do that.

Phoebe: Okay thats even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself
into, its just that now that theyre in me its like, its like I
know them yknow, I mean-I mean, its just not gonna be easy when these little
babies have to go away.

Monica: Aww, sweetie, but its not like youre not gonna have
anything. Youre gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways thats even
better.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, youre not gonna be the one worrying
about saving for college, or yelling at them when theyre bad, yknow, or
deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just wont calm down. Yknow?

Monica: I mean, youre the one theyre gonna come to when they wanna
run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And yknow what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe: They are gonna love me.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: Youre the best. Thanks. Oh!

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey
is pacing around like an expectant father.]

Joey: If anything should happen to him

Ross: Joey! The vet said its a simple procedure.

Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You dont know! What if he doesnt make
it?!

Chandler: He will, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesnt? Hes such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys memories of the duck. The
first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then its
Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler
reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe
and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck
watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then its Chandler
shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls apartment, Joey revealing their disco
cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them,
and its concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping its wings. And
the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey: Im so worried about him, yknow?

The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it,
and then does a double-take realizing where its been.)

Joey: H-h-h-hows the duck?

The Doctor: Hes doing just fine, hes resting now, but you can see
him in a little bit.