citizens in support of kaia going to sleep

By signing here, individuals proclaim their steadfast commitment to Kaia going to sleep prior to the time that her mother spontaneously combusts. Individuals have agreed that the
following stipulations are placed on the demand:
1. that kaia must go to sleep at a reasonable hour, defined as "well before midnight"
2.that kaia must remain asleep for a span of no fewer than 8 hours, with no restriction on hours in excess of the minimum required.
3. that kaia must also take a nap daily, lasting no fewer than 90 minutes and not to exceed 4 hours.
4. that kaia must, by instinct, know when her mother is in need of additional sleep for any reason (including, but not limited to: having stayed up late working, having stayed up late watching reality television, having stayed up late drinking grown up juice, having stayed up late thinking she should go to sleep but being unable to do so) and oblige that need a minimum of twice per month, not to exceed 28 times in any one month.
Individuals signing here also affirm their ongoing support and encouragement of Kaia's mother until the time that sufficient signatures have been gathered to capture Kaia's attention to the degree that she finally, at long last, goes to sleep. Furhermore, signers are obligated to consider performing one of the following:
1. Bringing coffee to Kaia's mother. "coffee" is defined as "venti non-fat caramel macchiato"
2. Offering to entertain Kaia for a period of time to allow her mother to rest.
3. Bringing by or sending any of the following: gift cards, chocolate, wine, lip gloss, shoes, new cd's, cute waterbottles, a pretty sleep mask, one of two ambien, a personal chef, a maid, a massage therapist, a chiropractor, someone to serve as mother to Kaia's mother, any item currently located on Kaia's mother's Amazon Wish List.
In conclusion, all persons who have read this petition agree to avoid bragging about their own sleep in the general vicinity of Kaia's mother. There is to be no mention of calling in sick to work and staying in bed all day, sleeping off a hangover or sleeping in until the afternoon. Such things are punishable by tormented groans and exasperated sighs, accompanied by a look that could, in fact, kill.