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My wife and I tried swinging because we knew we wanted something more than we had. Casual sex always left us feeling a little empty afterward. We were GOOD at swinging, in that we never got jealous and always had a good time with other partners and seeing each other with other partners, but we wanted that connection with the people we were in bed with.

Enter polyamory. Enter a whole new set of problems. It's easy to find people we both want to (or are at least willing to) have sex with. Being intimate and involved in a loving relationship is a whole new ball of wax.

We could never go back to swinging, though. It's the feelings that are far more important to us than the sensations anyway.

How many of you have been or are swingers? Were you swingers before you became poly? Or did you try swinging after you discovered you were a poly person?

I have never tried swinging. I think that if I got into a relationship with primary style entanglements like a shared home, went back to work, maybe knocked out another kid or two, I wouldn't have the time for more than one romantic relationship. Swining might be a way, then, for me to exercise my need to have more than one partner in some form.

Quote:

If you're in a successful poly relationship, do you still have desires to have casual, no strings sex with others? Or do you keep yourself now to only your poly partners?

My libido isn't dependent on love. Many poly people think that casual sex is somehow against being poly. That polyamory is only about loving more than one person and relationships that are focused around sex are "less than" polyamory and the people who have them are not polyamorous. As I said on another thread, I think if your form of ethical non monogamy allows only for sexually focused relationships and prohibits emotional and/or romantic connections with other people, then it is an open relationship opposed to a polyamorous relationship. However, people who have or can have more than one romantic partner as part of an ethically non monogamous relationship and also have interactions and relationships that are sexually focused and lack the romantic elements still fit in the polyamorous category in my opinion.

Never tried swinging although I have on occasion, "suggested" that it would be fun to try.

My wife and I were in a very happy monogamous marriage for the past 13 years until this time last year when something magical and unexpected happened (copious wine + hot tub) with another couple who happen to be our very best friends. It's funny, the morning after, all glowing with NRE, and weird feelings of "what the fuck are we doing?". It was actually quite frightening and exciting all at the same time... I will never forget that feeling.

So poly found us I suppose and NO ONE was looking for it, both couples coming from happy and solid marriages w/families. We are in a closed quad and outside of several bumps in the road everything is going exceptionally well.

Yes, the sweet and subtle difference between fantasy vs reality. I have always been intrigued to try swinging. And now that I am in a poly relationship I have been intrigued with the notion of hooking up with someone else. (Fantasy)

However, I can safely say that I am very happy in our closed quad and have no desire to do anything different with anyone. :-) We care about this other couple very deeply and yes the sex is wonderful. We live close by, and we are deeply connected to each others daily lives and families. Our situation IMHO is "perfect". (Reality)

Many poly people think that casual sex is somehow against being poly...people who have or can have more than one romantic partner as part of an ethically non monogamous relationship and also have interactions and relationships that are sexually focused and lack the romantic elements still fit in the polyamorous category in my opinion.

That's not an opinion, that's just understanding what polyamory is and stating as much. Polyamory doesn't have anything to do with what you do with your time besides having (or having the ability to have) multiple loves. People who think that poly and varying levels of promiscuity are not compatible are entitled to design their lives however they choose but if they think it is integral to the definition polyamory then they are also welcome to be incorrect.

Prior to my meeting IV she was apparently promiscuous. She was in a poly relationship with CV and promiscuious!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squashking

And now that I am in a closed poly relationship I have been intrigued with the notion of hooking up with someone else. (Fantasy)

Red text is my addition.

I realize you probably know the reason that it is fantasy for you to have an outside lover, but for the sake of newer members I wanted to make the distinction clear. This is an example of a closed poly arrangement which does not permit additional loves or sexual partners outside the agreed upon group. This distinction has nothing to do with poly and everything to do with the fact that is is designated as closed.

Thanks Marcus. If Poly is defined as multiple loves I suppose our closed quad arrangement applies. I am still very new to all this... Never had I thought a lifestyle like this was even possible in our marriage. It is wonderful, supportive and full filling in every way. IMO it requires far more communication, devotion, honesty and trust.

My wife and I tried swinging first when we initially opened up our marriage and started exploring non-manogamy. We had a hard time finding suitable couples. Either the attraction wasn't there or they just weren't comfortable with the whole thing. We were pretty comfortable with it, but were pretty picky in regards to our partners. We were never very casual about casual sex.

"Friends with benefits" means, to put it simply, that you have a friend with whom you have sex. It's not a romantic relationship per se, you're not in love, the emotional element isn't too strong, and there's not that much commitment. No more than you would have with a "regular friend." It's just that when you do get together (to hang out or what have you), you might have sex together as something fun to do.

Hopefully I've explained that correctly. I don't have FWB experience personally, so I am just going by what I've heard other people say.

Could be a solution for your dilemma, perhaps!

__________________Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"

"Friends with benefits" means, to put it simply, that you have a friend with whom you have sex. It's not a romantic relationship per se, you're not in love, the emotional element isn't too strong, and there's not that much commitment. No more than you would have with a "regular friend." It's just that when you do get together (to hang out or what have you), you might have sex together as something fun to do.

Could be a solution for your dilemma, perhaps!

Yes - obviously I have wondered the same - equally I can see myself going down the well worn road of falling for the friend ... what can someone who is so open to romantic relationships do to close off against the same? I have the right number of people in my world but I continue to have these silly little sexual urges