The female body truly is remarkable: every few months it seems to sprout a new part. One day you’ve got a simple pair of breasts, for example, and the next day you’re being told you’ve got underboob, sideboobs and overboob.

And it’s not just breasts you’ve got to worry about. Apparently our hips are at it too – and we all know hips don’t lie. Yes, I’m sorry to break it to you, but apparently “hip cleavage” is 2018’s hottest new trend. This is according to Page Six , which has figured out that coining a nonsensical new term gives them a great excuse for putting up a slideshow of half-naked women. They have also provided some highbrow analysis to accompany the high-waisted bikini shots, asking: “Are hipbones the new décolletage?”

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The simple answer to that is: no. However, to be fair, it’s a valid question. Cleavage is confusing. The media seem to announce a random body part is the new décolletage with alarming frequency. As a public service, then, let me get you all caught up with the various cleavages that have appeared (and disappeared) over the years.

Toe cleavage

Back in 2000, the celebrated shoe designer Manolo Blahnik opined that “the secret of toe cleavage, a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe” is that “you must only show the first two cracks.” A decade later Blahnik decided he was “tired of the whole toe-cleavage thing. One should not even see the beginning of the toes these days.” So there you have it ladies, don’t show too much toe.

Leg cleavage

The Guardian actually bears responsibility for leg cleavage, I’m afraid, which refers to dresses with an upturned V cut that shows off the inner thigh. Jess Cartner-Morley invented the term in jest, in a 2015 piece about a Victoria’s Secret show but lo and behold, it took on a life of its own. Glamour UK was one of a number of outlets around the world to swiftly declare leg cleavage a new trend.

Butt cleavage

In 2016 Kylie Jenner was credited with being ahead of the trend on “butt cleavage”. What fresh cleavage hell is this, you may ask? Well, according to Cosmopolitan it’s “like underboob but underbutt”. I know, I know, I lost brain cells just typing that out. Let’s move swiftly on, shall we? However, for the purpose of correcting butt cleavage history, I should point out that Jenner wasn’t ahead of the trend in 2016, she was behind it. Indeed, way back in 2003 the Cincinnati Enquirer called popped-out posteriors “the new cleavage”.

Male cleavage

Menhaven’t entirely been spared from dubious cleavage trends. 2017 was very much the year of male cleavage, with the likes of Harry Styles and Dwyane Wade parading plunging necklines. Nor were men exempted from a little casual body-shaming. The stylist Calyann Barnett told the New York Post that she doesn’t ever want to see dad bods and male cleavage. “Those two trends should never cross paths.”

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No cleavage

In its December 2016 issue Vogue declared that breast cleavage was over. A dearth of décolletage on the catwalks was a clear sign that “the cleavage – those magnificent mounds pushed together to display sexual empowerment … is over, or at least, taking a well-earned break.” Funnily enough, a lot of women were not very keen to hear they ought to put their “magnificent mounds” in storage until breasts were back in fashion, and there was quite the uproar.

Side cleavage

Back when breasts were fashionable there were various right and wrong ways to wear them. Between about 2010-2012 side cleavage, also known as “sideboob” was all the rage. Today, if you’re going to get all retro and get your breasts out, then it would seem underboob is the new sideboob. Honestly, it really is fun being a woman!