I used to be able to have sex without using anything other than body parts – mouths, hands, cunts, cocks. Nothing will ever take the place of flesh, but I now find that there are certain…tools…that I pretty much can’t live without. Since I don’t often have kinky sex at home, I have a sex kit and I carry it around in an innocuous black backpack. I never use everything in one sitting, but I never know what I might want. It’s become a bit of an art determining what my necessities are.

Wanna know which sex toys/tools I care enough about to carry around with me? I recently emptied out my bag and took a picture so I could share…

Play piercing supplies – I have sharps of various lengths and gages, antibiotic cream, and tiny corks to put on the ends of needles if people want to wear them around a bit.

Scalpel – This is a surgical grade scalpel with disposable blades that I use for blood play. Sometimes I just feel moved to carve a heart in Harold’s ass!

Nitrile gloves – A must have! These non-latex babies get used any time someone puts fingers inside my vagina (my pH balance is delicate) and for anal play.

Condoms – Not just for safer sex! Condoms are also awesome for easy toy clean up. Mine are latex free and non-lubricated if I can find them. I react badly to most lubes.

Band-aids – This is more about being prepared for little mishaps than anything sexy. Not shown in this picture, but equally important is feminine hygiene products!

Lip balm – For kissable lips and smooth blow jobs.

Nipple clamps – I carry four types of nipple clamps and a set of sugar tongs for pinching. I have to admit, I like using the clothes pins best (on other people).

Vibrator – Inside the mysterious black bag is my Mystic Wand. I have several because I want to have one within reach at all times. If I could only have one sex tool, this would be the one. Not only do I use it to get myself off, a vibrator is tons of fun on a cock.

Lil Devil – This battery powered electrosex toy produces an electrical shock when both prongs touch skin. It can make for some intense sensations.

Aneros – We’ve tried many different butt plugs and Aneros is far and away the best. Everyone seems to orgasm harder with one of these in their ass. SERIOUSLY.

njoy Fun Wand – Although this is heavy, it’s so worth the weight. This is the most versatile sex tool I own. And it’s shiny.

Wartenberg wheel – One of my favorites for sensation play. I have to admit that I like to use it on scrotums so I can watch little drops of blood well up.

Strap-on harness – My harness is red leather. I love it for pegging. And feeling butch.

Dildo – I can’t remember what brand this is, but it’s a perfectly average silicone dildo. At about a handspan, it seems to be a perfect size for almost everything I want a dildo to do.

Rope – I like to carry a variety of rope because you just never know what kind of situations you’ll find yourself in. No wait, I have a variety of rope because I know I’ll be up to mischief! I like the lighter weight stuff for things like cock bondage. Heavier rope is great for tying people to trees.

Carabiners – Handy for stringing people up! Also good for a quick release when I need to fuck them instantly.

Chain – This is a 6 foot length of chain. I suppose in theory I could use it for bondage, but really what I like is to insert the length of it into my cunt one link at a time with lots of lube. That’s why it’s sterilized and sealed in a plastic bag.

Ball whackers – Harold made both of these tools for ball torture. I usually start with the soft solid black one then work up to the harder wooden-handled one. His pleasure really turns me on.

Fleshwrap – This clever device is like a push-up bra for scrotums. Goes well with #1 and #14.

Ball Ties – Harold likes binding his balls. Through extensive experimentation, he has discovered that lengths from women’s tights work best. I like bright colors!

Vise – When I want maximum impact, I reach for the vise. It’s another tool that Harold made for ball torture. See it here and here. We’ve even tried fitting a breast in there!

Collar – Harold has a purple leather/leopard fur collar that I put on him when I’m feeling especially Toppy.

Cuffs – Black leather wrist and ankle cuffs are a necessity. I have a set that Joel handcrafted for me, but it feels wrong to use them with everybody else. This is my general use set.

Leather paddles – Harold made both of these larger ones. The black one is very well made and fairly standard. The pink heart is like a child’s valentine gone horribly wrong, but I love it. It stings like fuck! (The teeny one off to the side is great on cocks.)

Floggers – We own a several floggers, but these two ended up in my bag. The black one is a commercial model and Harold made the green leather one. It’s heavier and generally better.

I’m going to start this review of penis prostheses by saying that I think that once a guy stops worrying about his erection and when he is going to come, sex is a much more enjoyable experience for both of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like fucking. A hard man is good to find and all that, but I prefer to focus on pleasure rather than penetration. I didn’t even realize how much more pleasure there is to explore until I started having sex with Harold. He was 58 at the time. As is normal for men his age, his cock doesn’t always work the way he wants it to, yet we have so much fun together.

Harold and I are very adventurous sexually. I suspect that Harold has always been a considerate and playful lover, but I appreciate that he is interested in taking his time and exploring every possibility with me. Ironically, we started wondering what it would be like if he could have more erections. What if he could stay harder longer? What if he could fuck again right after coming?These questions led us to investigate some fascinating products…

Vixen Creations makes two PPA (Prosthetic Penis Attachment)/Extenders – Ride On and Colossus – that seem to be miles ahead of the competition. I contacted them and they happily sent us one of each to review. I asked for two different colors so we could compare. We have Ride On in Vanilla and Colossus in Caramel (the third option is chocolate), but neither shade is close to Harold’s skin color.

Scrotum should go through first

These are made of soft silicone. Vixen is famous for their VixSkin, a proprietary realistic feeling skin-like material. These PPAs are supposedly a bit softer than their standard formula. They feel and look more realistic than any dildoes I’ve ever owned. Sadly, my cunt did not react well to this silicone. I am pretty delicate and fucking with these the first time made my vagina burn. After that we used condoms and that worked fine. This material does pick up lint and things fairly easily, but washes up with warm water and mild soap.

I think a sense of humor is mandatory for PPAs. Even when it works well, there is still something kind of ridiculous about a prosthetic penis. For us, the laughter started when we eagerly attempted to put the device on. Of course we hadn’t bothered to read the instructions. How hard can it be? You stick the penis in the tube part and pull the balls through the hole. Right.

Here’s the quick guide from Vixen’s website:

Roll the sleeve one third of the way down.

Apply lubricant to the inside of the Ride On and your penis.

Squeeze out the air.

Place your penis into the opening and gradually release the pressure.

Unroll the Ride On to the base.

Pull the scrotum through the hole.

Pull to one side and push through one testicle.

Repeat with the other.

Have fun!

What an impressive hard on!

Even following these instructions, it was not easy to secure the extenders. You are supposed to be able to use Ride On with or without an erection, simply create a vacuum around your penis and push your balls through the hole at the base. Harold and I are used to handling his balls, but this was a chore – not exactly spontaneous, but funny as hell trying to capture each testicle and send it through the hole. We had better luck tying off the base of his scrotum, but I don’t really recommend this method. I think there is a learning curve and it gets easier each time, so definitely practice a bunch before you find yourself in a “fuck me now” moment.

Ride On was a great fit for Harold (when not fully hard) at 4″ x 1″. It added some interesting length for me with outer dimensions of 6.25″ x 1.75″. I think it makes Harold look like a porn star. Colossus, however, never really fit well. The first time we tried it was right after he had orgasmed, so he wasn’t at allhard and couldn’t create any vacuum to keep his penis inside. It kept buckling when he tried to fuck me. We were almost hysterical with laughter. I finally asked for one of his socks, stuffed it inside, and we were able to proceed.

When I asked Joel to try out these PPAs, his experience was opposite Harold’s. With an erection, Joel was unable to fit in Ride On, no matter what he tried. Joel’s scrotum is not dangly or very stretchy, so he found the application of the device painful, however, Colossus fit his cock well with inner dimensions of 5.5″ x 1.375″. The outside is 6.75″ x 2.25″, which doesn’t seem that large, but looks and feels impressive.

Stuffing a sock inside Colossus

Lube is a necessity with these extenders. Lots of lube inside seems to improve fit as well as pleasure. Our experience was that the PPA served kind of as a masturbation sleeve. More lube outside made fucking more comfortable for me as well, but nothing replaces fabulous foreplay. (I like to be begging to be fucked before anything goes inside my cunt.) One note: I would recommend warming the PPA before use if at all possible. Otherwise it feels very cold and weird!

I prefer Ride On to Colossus in terms of my comfort, but both are amazing in concept. I love that these PPAs allow sex to happen in all of the ways I might want it to. For example, getting fucked in the ass is not possible without a firm hard-on. I’m a person who likes options. At first the $124 – $130 price tag seemed a little steep, but then I realized that we are currently paying $30 a pill for Viagra, so it seems like a good investment, as well as being more flexible and reliable.

I make love to feel connected to my partner. Vixen Creation’s PPAs do not feel like the real thing, but they can help me to feel more connected. If nothing else, we have the shared experience of laughing over introducing something called Colossus to my privates.

These are my thoughts, but it seems wrong to review what is a product designed to fit over penises without getting some opinions from people who have penises…

Harold says,“I’ve always thought this kind of product would be cool, because it would give me the option to keep fucking right after coming if that was what my partner wanted. Also, now that I’ve gotten older and don’t always get a good erection (or sometimes even any erection at all), it could make penetrative sex possible if that was something we wanted.

“The funny thing is, although Ride-on works pretty well just as I thought it might, it seems much less interesting than I’d anticipated. We love to fuck, but having a prosthesis involved clarified for me again something I’ve known for a long time, namely that what you do is really not nearly as important as what you feel emotionally. It was fun to try out the Ride-on and Collossus, but using them had little relationship to what we experience when we’re normally fucking.”

Ride On in action

Joel says, “I don’t suffer from a small cock and generally don’t have a problem with erectile dysfunction so the stunt cock is not normally something that I would be interested in. That said, when my sexy wife showed me a giant hollow cock and asked for my help with an experiment how could I possibly say no.

“There is something amazing about wielding a giant cock that never gets soft. Seeing and feeling that massive appendage swinging between my legs was certainly a rush.

“I needed lots of lubrication to slide my cock into the hollow inside, even partially flaccid, and the strap that went around my testicles was a bit snug for my tastes, but the overall experience was certainly worth it.”

Bottom line: Make love with everything you’ve got, and then if you still want to improve your ability to penetrate, buy a Ride On or a Colossus.

Harold tells me that “fundament” is a nice medieval word for the asshole. It’s making me giggle, especially since we’ve been revisiting a few of our anal-play explorations, or “fundamentals.” Over the years we’ve tried a lot of things. Some of them were total flops and some were so successful that we integrated them into our standard practices. The rest, the ones that landed somewhere in the middle, were often pretty good, but for whatever reason, we didn’t do it again. Well, lately we’ve been thinking… What about putting ginger in our arses again? Where is that awesome butt plug with the tail? Why did we stop doing electrosex?

Opening up old experiments for further exploration is fun, kind of like visiting friends you haven’t seen for ages. The fact the Harold and I have stories from our first adventures with each of these things just adds to our pleasure. There may be a thrill over trying something new, but additional play lets you go deeper.

Figging

In April of 2011, we published two posts on figging (lab and results) that have definitely been one of our most popular topics ever on the site. We wrote our figging information in a very tongue-in-cheek quasi-academic science-lab format, complete with a downloadable lab result form. I’m not sure that anyone got that we were joking. Despite our silliness, we were serious about sticking fingers of ginger into our bottoms. We’ve tried this experiment a couple of times, but not for a number of years now. When I repeatedly found myself daydreaming over large hands of ginger at the grocery store, I figured we might as well give it another go.

In my original research, I read that peeling and preparing the ginger fig a day ahead of using it would increase the potency. I am eternally curious, so I had to give that a try. The day before a date with Harold, I carefully selected two segments of ginger. When I was done they each looked like a crooked finger. I put them in a ziplock bag in the fridge for about 30 hours.

We only occasionally play with my ass, so it was exciting to prepare for the fig. At first I didn’t notice anything but the increased pressure of having something in my anus. Then it started to burn. It wasn’t uncomfortable, more like heat. My ass and genitals felt hot. It’s intense in a good way. I came in about 3 seconds with the vibrator. It was similar with Harold. I’d hoped to be able to apply prostate pressure with the fig, but it didn’t really matter. He was hard and ready to go. We fucked, but the heat and arousal made it fairly quick and intense. Preparing the fig ahead of time does increase the effect. And I still think there is a sort of psychoactive effect to having ginger in your bum.

Figging is totally cool. We would probably use ginger more often in our anal play, but I’m not always good at preparing ahead. I’m currently seeing how long a ginger fig can sit in the fridge before drying out or going bad. Maybe I can just always have one ready!

Crystal Minx Tail Plug

A couple of years ago we wrote a review of a pyrex butt plug that had a real fur tail attached. It was given to me by a very cool company called Crystal Delights, which has since expanded in several incredible directions (check out these Kitty plugs, Reignbow Pony tails, bunny tails, and gorgeous glass dildoes). Wearing this fur tail was a very unique sexual experience for us. Feeling your tail brush the backs of your legs is very sensuous and arousing in a primal way, but for some reason, the tail got set aside at some point and we kind of forgot about it. Until recently…

Last month there was an occasion when I really wanted some sort of anal stimulation and what Harold came up with was the tail plug. We were also doing some power-play, where Harold was Topping me, so this was an interesting layer to add to the energy mix. Wearing the tail while being bound and spanked was super hot! Now I just have to figure out how to keep my tail out of the way.

In my original review, I was obviously worried about being branded a Furry. I have matured since then and could not care less. Wearing that tail is wild, sexy fun – truly fundamental.

Electrosex

Oh yeah, now I remember why we stopped playing with e-stim – it was that time I had Harold all wired up and he ended up coming blood. It was the sound in his penis and not the electroplay that caused the bleeding, but I still have a strong association. If I recall correctly, though, electrosex was getting pretty interesting before that.

My experience of using electricity sexually is that you have to be intelligent about it (take your brain with you while you are playing) and that it leads to creativity and making stuff. Also, there is not enough information out there about what to do or how to play safely. I find that I have no trouble running current through Harold in a way that is sexy for him, but I still have yet to figure out anything that is more than mildly interesting for me.

Santa brought me a new TENS unit, presumably because I’ve been very bad. I’m sure he meant for me to use it on my neck pain, right? The instructions are in Chinese and it plays a cute little melody when you turn it on. It can handle six leads and it has more power than the old unit. Based on recent experience, I can tell you that it works very well to torture balls.

E-stim seems to work best anally, perhaps because it’s easy to stick something conductive into your bum. Harold just made an anal probe out of copper plumbing bits. I’m excited to see what we can come up with in the future, using the conductive self-adhesive tape we found on the internet! I’m planning on wiring up a couple of our favorite anal toys and maybe a dildo or two.

Fundamentals

I can’t say if figging, the fur tail butt plug, and the electrosex experimentations will continue to be a thing. Our sex life is always evolving and expanding. We follow our desires. If it continues to have heat, we’ll keep doing it, but I’m sure that we’ll keep playing with our assholes. That’s fundamental.

Funny how things stop seeming kinky when I do them all the time. Squeezing Harold’s balls seemed shockingly, outrageously, horrifyingly kinky when he first proposed it to me. Now I knead his testicles pretty much any time we are sexual together. It has become normal. In fact, I would say that we hardly ever do anything kinky any more, but I know that other people think we do. I am beginning to see how the definition of kink would change from person to person and even for the same individual over time.

Today we did something that felt kinky. Actually, a couple of things – we tied up my breasts and filled my cunt with chain. That added edge of knowing that I’m doing something that pushes my boundaries is so sexy! I find that there is a fine line between hot and not when working with kink, so communication becomes super important. I need to be able to let my partner know when things feel more uncomfortable than provocative, but hovering between the two can really turn me on.

I’ve had my breasts tied up before, but it didn’t do very much for me, other than seem weird. For some reason, it was just the right thing to do today. I tied them myself, bending over at the waist and wrapping each breast tightly, crossing over in the middle. The effect was to make my breasts firmer and to stick out more. Having all that blood trapped made my skin so sensitive. Harold couldn’t stop stroking and tweaking. Every touch sent a rush of heat to my cunt.

It was pretty easy to bring me to orgasm the first time. Wow. I might have been able to orgasm with breast stimulation alone, but we added oral sex and then a vibrator. I came so hard with Harold’s hands on my breasts! As the sensations subsided, the ropes around my chest suddenly didn’t feel right any more. My breasts were also turning blue. It was time to unwind the binding, but I was still pretty turned on.

After such an amazing orgasm, I was wet and I wanted something inside me. Our backpack of sex toys yielded up a length of chain that we have tried vaginally a couple of times. (You can read about it here.) Basically, we didn’t start until I was warmed up and we used a lot of lubricant to insert the chain, one smooth link at a time.

Initially, the only sensation was Harold’s fingers pushing the chain into my vagina. Then involuntary spasms of pleasure would clench my internal muscles around the chain and the resistance would make me spasm all over again. I started experiencing a feeling of fullness and the links started to feel pinchy going in and we halted there. (I’m getting good at stopping before things get uncomfortable!)

I can’t describe what it’s like to have my cunt full of chain. Physically, there is a sense of heaviness or fullness that is both comforting and erotic. Intellectually, although I know that we are doing this as safely as possible, chain registers on my danger meter. There is some part of me wondering what the hell I’m doing. Isn’t it just plain wrong to put foreign objects in your cootchie? Emotionally, I take all of the raw sexual energy of those thoughts and transform it all into blindingly hot sex.

I don’t know how else to explain. I was nearly coming the whole time Harold was inserting chain. Once it was in, I used a vibrator on my clit and orgasmed right away. Harold slowly pulled the chain out (about 5 feet worth) as I came and the orgasm lasted the entire time and then some. Having chain in my cunt is the most fabulous thing ever. And it’s kinky (for the moment).

Some of my favorite sex toys were never meant to be used in erotic ways. A journey through the hardware store always sparks my imagination: fiberglass reflectors for canes, giant zip-ties for bondage, lengths of chain to fill a vagina. Even a stop at the gas station can turn up a fly swatter for spanking or some cotton clothes line. I keep my eyes open for interesting possibilities – anything that might offer sensual delights.

I use these antique silver sugar cube tongs for just the right amount of pinch on nipples. We found them at a flea market in Geneva a few years ago. I love how beautiful the tongs are as well as functional!

The applications of Clone-A-Willy are endless – what couldn’t you do with an exact replica of your (or your guy’s) penis, a vibrating portable model? I asked Clone-A-Willy to send me a kit to review because I was entranced with the possibilities. I could masturbate with his cock when we were apart. He could literally fuck himself(!?!) Problem was, I had two guys and one kit, but after some checking around, we determined that everyone would be okay if I fucked Harold with Joel’s cock. We would clone Joel’s willy. I love my crazy life.

Clone-A-Willy sent me a DVD along with the kit that demonstrated how the process works. It is unintentionally funny. I believe that the stars of this little video are porn stars. While I did get a good idea of what to do, the absurdity of the situation had me laughing. I would absolutely recommend reading the written instructions thoroughly before you start.

Joel and I sent to work while we had the house to ourselves. This is not a process that you want to interrupt in the middle. Cloning your willy is pretty simple, but there are several steps: mix up the molding powder, insert penis into molding tube, pour rubber into the prepared mold, insert vibrating unit, wait 24 hours and remove new vibrator.

The tricky parts are getting the water just the right temperature to mix with the molding powder and the fact that you have a very short amount of time to mix it up and get your dick into it. And cloning a willy is also very messy. I don’t think we were prepared for how much of the molding material would be displaced. We did trim his pubic hair, but shaving might have been better. I was also glad that we were in the kitchen over the tile floor, because it cleaned up pretty easily.

This is a partners sport. I think you could do this by yourself, but having someone there helping you to maintain an erection is easier and more fun. We certainly enjoyed the process, but it wasn’t inherently sexy. A cock ring helps some, however our resulting dong sadly did not capture Joel in his full glory.

This instant gratification grrrl had a hard time waiting a whole day for the rubber to set. I was excited to pull away the molding material and reveal the hot pink cock model. It’s eerie how much detail is transferred. There is a slight imperfection where the vibrator shows through. I think it’s where Joel was somewhat diagonal in the molding tube.

I was so excited about Clove-A-Willy that it wasn’t until we were partway through the process that the fact we were dealing with rubber penetrated my brain. I’m allergic to rubber. I welt up massively when rubber touches my skin, a fact I learned after applying liquid latex to my breasts. Even underwear with exposed elastic raises large welts. I can’t use this vibrator.

Actually, I’m not sure that anyone should use a willy clone without a condom. Rubber toys should not be shared without a condom and they are quite porous so they should be washed carefully and gently after each use. Mild antibacterial soap and water is appropriate.

Since I love the concept of Clone-A-Willy and enjoyed the molding process, I brainstormed a few ideas. First of all, Clone-A-Willy makes kits for soap, candles, and milk chocolate. Pretty romantic, right? But then we came up with a few other ideas…

What if you inserted sticks instead of vibrators? Then you would have a penis on a stick and you could have “cock fights” with your friends. Clone-A-Willy comes in a variety of colors. I’m envisioning color coordinated cocks and helmets, with full out, SCA style battles. It would be AWESOME!

My favorite idea is to take impressions of all of your conquests and mount them on plaques like hunting trophies. There’s even Clone-A-Pussy. Imagine sitting in your den in a smoking jacket explaining your sexual successes to some young thing, “Sure, he doesn’t look like much, but let me tell you…” and “Yes, I bagged that one on holiday in Spain…” and “Oh, that Romeo, hung like a stallion, but he snored like a bull…” I can totally see it. It makes me happy.

Bottom line: Everyone should try Clone-A-Willy at least once. Think out side the box.

Stronic Zwei is a jackhammer of pleasure. Seriously. I’ve just taken to calling it The Jackhammer, as in, “Honey, grab The Jackhammer and let’s have some fun!” In fact, it’s made by Fun Factory (one of my favorite sex toy companies) and they sent us one to try out ahead of their official release in July. We are extremely impressed. This is a high-end, well designed, very effective sex toy.

Zwei is so innovative and different that I don’t know how to describe it. The Stronic line uses new technology to create thrust. Stronic Zwei literally rocks back and forth in your hand. It creates amazing sensations on the prostate and g-spot, although not at the same time. It uses more of a natural fucking motion than a buzz. This is not a vibrator it’s a pulsator, and it’s here to rock your world.

I’m pleased with Zwei’s construction. It’s very solid and can definitely stand up to the repeated thrusting. Counter pressure did not seem to slow the toy down. The one I received is blue, but I suspect that it will also be available in black. Soft medical grade silicone covers the insertable part, with the handle being firmer.

There are three control buttons on the handle, one for power (press FUN) and two to navigate the 10 different pulse cycles (press + or -). While the buttons are located in a place where you can easily operate them yourself, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right button during use. All of the rhythm pattern options are useful and pleasurable at different times. We had a hard time finding exactly the one we wanted at any given time, but I assume that gets easier with practice. Our favorite is the slowest of the thrusting patterns. An added feature is the ability to key lock the Zwei so it doesn’t go off at an inopportune moment, like during a TSA search.

Also on the handle are two little magnetic buttons – this is where the charging cord docks. It’s totally easy to use, but be prepared to have to charge your new device overnight (they say not more than 16 hours), as ours needed to be fully charged. That’s always disappointing for me when I want to try something out right away! It has held the charge well so far. We’ve, ahem, tested this product extensively without having to recharge it yet.

And guess what?!? Zwei is fully immersible! Although I am a little nervous to risk losing such a fantastic toy, I can’t wait to use it in the bath or shower. It just can’t go in the dishwasher. Cleaning has not been a problem though. I simply wash Zwei with soap and water. It would be possible to use it with a condom, use spray on toy cleaner, or cleansing wipes.

One of the brilliant things about the way Stronic Zwei is constructed is the lip at the bottom of the insertable part. It looks kind of like the hilt of a knife, or the protective bit under a torch. Not only does this lip keep Zwei from getting lost in your bottom, it also works to contain any potential mess. Yes, you are probably going to need a fair amount of water-based lube to get this toy into your ass.

Stronic Zwei is fairly girthy. Harold and I enjoy prostate play, but this was bigger than anything we’ve put in his bum so far. We worked up to it without any difficulty, though, once the toy was turned on. The thrusting motion made it slip in easily. In each of us it seemed to be just big enough to have a sexy feeling of fullness without ever becoming uncomfortable. Zwei also has that bend at the tip to deliver pressure to just the right spot. It feels good in my hand. Harold says it’s way the best prostate toy he’s ever experienced (and he’s done some experimenting). As he put it, “Whoever designed this toy really knew what they were doing!”

This toy is perfectly usable by yourself, but I recommend it for partner play. I think it’s easier to operate if you are not in the throes of pleasure, but really, don’t you want to share the intensity of this pleasure with someone you love? I got a huge rush knowing that I was part of the experience when Harold just lay there with his mouth open, moaning. I got to help by playing with his balls and cock. I like to ramp things up. I enjoy watching him writhe.

Fun Factory is marketing Zwei as an anal toy, but generally anything that works on the prostate also is effective at g-spot stimulation. After watching Harold bliss out with the Zwei in his bum a couple of times, I had to try it on myself! I wasn’t disappointed. It feels fantastic. It doesn’t give me the same sensations as Harold’s fingers, but it’s good in a different way. I did use a vibrator on my clit and the combination was perfect. I especially liked coming with the Zwei in, my orgasm contracting against the continuing pulses and bringing me to orgasm again. Awesome!

I don’t know how much Fun Factory is going to retail Stronic Zwei for, but I think we would find a way to buy one, knowing how good it is.

A vibrating sound is occurring somewhere in my room and I can’t pinpoint the culprit. It’s not coming from my bag of sex toys. It’s not my computer. It’s not the lights humming. It’s not coming from outside. It seems to be emanating from a diorama constructed of my pre-schooler’s toys, but she’s not anywhere around. I look around the room some more. Nothing. I go back to the toys and realize that the centerpiece is in fact a vibrator – a vibrator that looks like an adorable giant rubber duck.

I Rub My Duckie is the most cheerful sex toy I’ve ever seen. Babeland was nice enough to send it to me and make me laugh. (There are so many obvious jokes!) Don’t think that this is just a novelty item, however. This tub toy packs some serious vibration! If you are willing to fuck a duck, this baby will rock your world.

My biggest complaint is that it looks too much like a child’s toy. It blends in well. My kids are all drawn to it. The minute I had it out of the package my children were instantly present, as though my Duckie had summoned them. My eight year old took it out of my hands and examined it. “We need a screwdriver to put batteries in it,” he informed me. “It doesn’t look watertight. I bet you can’t really take it in the bath.” Where did this kid come from?

Harold agreed with him, but the two of the worked together to get batteries (2 AA’s) into it. It’s serious business. Powered up, the Duckie loudly vibrated across the kitchen floor, to the 3 year old’s delight. You have to squeeze the duck’s tummy pretty hard to turn it on.(Yes, I know.) It cycles through 3 speeds before it shuts off, which is kind of a pain if you want to shut it off quick. It’s very loud no matter what. I’m not sure how they justify calling it quiet. This is not a subtle vibe, but it is strong.

Surprisingly, I Rub My Duckie is totally waterproof and can indeed go in the bath. We had a lot of fun in the bathtub, me and Duckie! I love how the vibrations create ripples across the water. I also like how my duck can just sit on the edge of the tub looking cute, unlike my vibrator, which really just looks like a vibrator and isn’t something I want to explain to children or guests. Like I mentioned before though, it makes a lot of noise and makes all the kids come running to see what is happening – not conducive to Momma getting off.

One of the most interesting features of I Rub My Duckie is the variety of surfaces. For example, the tail feels more intense than the head. Or you can use both ends at once! Or tickle yourself with the beak! It can be fun to explore the different sensations, although I also felt kind of silly. I mean, I’ve never had a duck eat me out before.

I Rub My Duckie is unbearably cute, but ultimately, I don’t think I’ll be using it as a vibrator. On the plus side, it’s strong enough to get me off, made of body safe materials, and I can use it in the bathtub. On the minus, it’s loud, difficult to turn on and off, and a bit awkward to use. In my world it looks too much like a toy for me to keep it to myself.

Bottom line: this duckie is hardworking, but too cute for his own good.

When Babeland sent me the most epic vibrator of all time to review, a Hitachi Magic Wand, I immediately thought of the epic woman who introduced me to the Magic Wand, my metamour, Melanie. Here are her own words, explaining why you need to have a Hitachi:

If You Don’t Have a Hitachi Magic Wand, Go Get One!guest review by Melanie

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the best vibrator ever. To say I recommend it highly is an understatement. If I were stuck on a desert island with ten things, and one of them was a generator, another would be a Magic Wand.

It’s not just me who thinks this. It really is the gold standard of vibrators. On the Internet, people say things like, “The Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is the best thing I ever bought my girlfriend for Christmas” and “Now I know why it’s called the OMG machine.” Betty Dodson, sex expert of sex experts, recommends it for women trying for their first orgasm. A few people complain about it, but don’t listen to the complaining. It’s like people who go to fish restaurants wanting steak. The Hitachi delivers on the thing it’s supposed to do: Give you a great clitoral orgasm.

The person who introduced me to the Magic Wand was my first girlfriend. She was amazed I’d never tried it, and she insisted I get one right away, jumping up and down and squeaking in her passion. She was right. Later on, my raves and our experience with it led a boyfriend of mine to buy an extra for me and also one for his wife. She raved too. Every woman I know, once she’s had a chance to use it a while, has given her thumbs-up.

Why is it the best? It’s intense. For some people it’s too intense, and for them I’d recommend what my girlfriend did, which was to put some layers of cloth between you and it. A pillowcase, a sheet, your jeans, whatever works. The point is, it’s intense enough that for me the orgasm is pretty much a sure thing, unless I’m exhausted. It is the promise of the sure orgasm that makes the Magic Wand magic.

It’s also the right shape for clitoral application. I know it has an attachment for G-spot play, but to me that’s just window-dressing—G-spot play is not what I use the Magic Wand for. It’s for that day-to-day, “I just want to come” thing, the bread and butter of vibrator use. For that, it’s perfect. Though it’s heavy and big, it’s maneuverable for something its size. And it’s made like a real appliance: It’s not some gacky purple or fluorescent green, it feels solid in your hand, and it holds up to intensive use.

For anyone who really likes intense sensation, it’s the only vibe I know that has such strength. It has two settings, but I rarely use the faster one. The strong vibration means strong orgasms. Like I say, it can take getting used to, but I’d recommend making the effort. It will reward you.

The only downside is that it’s a bit noisy. So put a pillow over it.

Buy one. Buy two, one for home and one for travel. (Though don’t do what I did and burn it out in a French hotel because you forgot the adapter. Quelle tragédie! It only works on 120-volt AC current.)

I’m skeptical of reviews done by people who don’t have the proper equipment to evaluate the product – for example, me reviewing the JackStrap, a device meant to help people in possession of a cock and balls to get off. I do not biologically possess a set of cock and balls. But here’s the thing, I approach sex like science. When I’m testing out a new product, I’m collecting data. I always try something several times before I review it, collecting as much information as possible, and lucky for me, I have two guys – so I can get both of them to try a penis-oriented product.

Jack Strap was sent to me by Ntimate, the same company that made the ingenious FleshWrap. I am eager to try out everything they can come up with based on my experience of FleshWrap. But what does the JackStrap do? From their website, “This simple silicone strap loosely connects your balls to the fingers you wrap around your cock. So, every stroke of your cock now also tugs and bounces your nuts.” Is this a good thing?

I rely on my guys to give me good information about penis-oriented things, like jacking off and the things they might do on their own to get off. Joel and Harold both confessed that sometimes it feels good to get some ball-bouncing action going, which is what Jack Strap is all about. Harold enjoys rough play with his balls, Joel is extremely sensitive and generally doesn’t like me to touch his balls.

It was Joel that tried JackStrap first. It really is a simple silicone strap with loops at either end. We struggled for a while to get his balls into the round opening, but he felt very cautious about pulling his scrotum through. I wrote to the company saying that we couldn’t get him in it, even with lube. The CEO of Ntimate, Jack Campbell, emailed me back himself:

Hmmm… That’s odd, as the JackStrap is stretchy enough to go around a 16 oz. drinking glass.

The procedure is to put both sets of fingers (both hands) into the larger round hole and pull them apart, and stretch the bejesus out of the JackStrap opening. Pull your hand maybe 4-inches (100mm) or so apart, creating an opening much, much larger than the target scrotum. Then while holding it that way, put it over the balls, and slip your finger out.

The point is that you cannot hurt or break the JackStrap by tugging it WAYYY open. And, a delicate approach is not best. Be aggressive. Grab the thing, slip all your fingers into the hole, pull it apart between your hands like you’re trying to break it, and just yank it wide freaking open.”

I gotta love a CEO who gives that kind of advice! Unfortunately, Joel wouldn’t let me near his junk again with the JackStrap, so I had to try it on Harold.

Harold I can be quite rough with and he had no problems getting JackStrap over his balls. His problem with JackStrap is that, sadly, he is not hung like a porn star. His penis is of average size and the finger holes for JackStrap hit much higher than the place he would normally hold his cock for beating off. Having too much give in the strap means that there is no ball-bouncing. It just didn’t really work.

Both of my test subjects said that, while the concept of JackStrap is good, there’s not really a lot of point in purchasing an item to do what they’ve already worked out ways of doing when it feels like the thing. They demonstrated masturbation techniques that elicited results similar to what JackStrap purports to do. My guess is that most men who would be interested, already have their method as well.

My conclusion to this science experiment? Based on my sample of two, JackStrap is not the ingenious device that FleshWrap is. It’s probably not worth shelling out the bucks for. But I have to rave about the company. Ntimate is an up and coming name in the sex toy industry, creating innovative products for men. Their customer service rocks my socks and I can’t wait to see what they do next.

Bottom line: unless you are a porn star who wants to jiggle and bounce your balls, wait for Ntimate’s next big breakthrough.