Your -1th source for Halo satire.

Main Menu

NEWS: Del Rio Says He’s “Considering Running For President In 2016”

It looks like Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and whoever else exists might not be the only members of the band of republican hooligans planning to take a shot at the White House next year. Senator Andrew Del Rio, formerly serving as the Captain of the UNSC Infinity, has publicly expressed interest in running for President.

Del Rio made his official statement, which started off as a mere expression of philosophy, to Waypoint press officials, earlier today:

“It’s been too long since American has had, a competent and legitimate leader sitting on her reins! I find that it’s time for us, Americans, to retake what is ours and secure our rightful seat in the galaxy!”

However, when the reported asked what Del Rio planned to do in order to achieve his intentions, Del Rio’s words were shocking to many:

“What do I plan to do? What do I, former Captain of the UNSC Infinity, member of the United Earth Government senate—hard-working, upper-class, white, male American—plan to do? I don’t see why I shouldn’t ditch this abomination of a senate, and claim the White House for myself!”

The reporter proceeded to ask whether or not Del Rio truly believed he could compete with individuals such as Jeb Bush, or Donald Trump, or whoever. This, was Del Rio’s response:

“Can I compete with them? I captained the UNSC Infinity and brought it back to Earth in one piece. Of course I can compete with them! However, running for present is a huge ask, and I haven’t quite decided whether or not I’m willing to jeopardize my country over the hallucinations of an aging Spartan and his malfunctioning AI!

The reported proceeded to back away slowly while wiping saliva flung from Del Rio’s shouting mouth from their face. HaloSwallower has arranged a one-to-one interview with Del Rio, which is scheduled for next week. Until then, however, stay tuned for more (100% bullshit) theories and news from Halo’s -1th News/Theory Source!