Bereavement Support Group

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Lost my babygirl

Hi I'm new here,I losted my babygirl almost ten months ago. It was Wednesday afternoon when I was having sharp pains in my cervix,so my fiance says let's get checked out and make sure cause we are 10 days from the due date which was March 31,2017,so we went and got hooked up to the monitor and heard the baby heartbeat not like I use to hear it but good enough they say to me,then she says you having small contractions and one centimeters,but we have to send you home til you at least 4 centimeters,go home,go on with my day still in pain,but i see my doctor tomorrow so I'm going to see what he says,so the next day i see my doctor and he put the Doppler on and heard the heartbeat again but I'm feeling something not right,so he send me back to l&d to get put on a monitor again,same thing everything's good but im seeing 120-130 heartbeat here she usually 150,but they sent me home,then at night my fiance says she usually kick me so he got her all hyped to do her kicks before bed like she always got him,he says to me why are you so hot,I'm like I feel sick,he says should we go back,I said no they gonna send me home anyways,but we have an ultrasound in the morning which was Friday,got the ultrasound done,baby was not moving much but her lip was moving and the lady showed me her face and body,I still didn't feel right like something was wrong,but she says everything looks good,you just failed 2 test,her movement test and some other test,so I said is that odd she didn't move much during this 30mins ultrasound,but got sent home again,so here it is the weekend I'm back sick feeling hot and sleepy,was doing some cleaning to get ready for her to move thing along til hubby come home,Monday night I started feeling contractions again but this time it's a little worse now,hubby says should we go in I said no they gonna say I'm not dilated enough to stay,so we waited hubby went to work and called me every min of that Tuesday morning,I said their getting stronger and more painful now,he says go in all meet you there soon as I can keep him updated,so my friend went with me thru ambulance service,and long story short,we got there I was 8 centimeters,so they hooked me up to the monitor and couldn't find her heartbeat,called the doctor down,he checked and said I'm sorry there's no heartbeat and lefted out the room,didn't run across my mind I was in shocked,so got to a private room and waa told I had to deliver my babygirl now,I'm 9 centimeters pushing and pushing and there gos my babygirl laying there lifeless,discolored,skin peered,eyes open,mouth opened,with the cord wrapped around her neck twice so tight like a tied shoestring,heard doctor say she healthy and beautiful,want to hold her,and I did for two days she was in the room with me,I cried and cried and got numb,family came and I was numb while they cried,the I was lefted alone,wanted to jump out the window but it was a safe window,so I had my babygirl Lailah Joy On march 28th 2017,I had 8 miscarriage before her,so I was a mess,how can i person heal from this,I don't know how,I'm so lost without her,I saw her body laying there lifeless and I didn't do my best protecting her

I am sorry to hear this heartbreaking loss. I may not be able to give you much of any comfort but I wanted to tell you that you did NOT do anything wrong and you shouldn't blame yourself for not protecting your baby. And know that it’s okay to grieve. Take all the time you need to grieve over your loss and don't let anyone push you to move forward quickly. Although I didn't suffer a still-born, I did experience a miscarriage. My husband and I tried for 5 years with and without the help of meds. In early March 2011, I conceived (didn't know it until April around Easter). We were overjoyed. But by mid-May, I miscarried. Devastated was an understatement. I greived for a solid 2 years. But one thing people kept telling me was that it was not my fault. I eventually came to terms with that and I am ok now. Even to this day, it's still a little difficult for me to be around babies or women who are pregnant. This type of grief is a very hard journey to experience, but you can get through it.

OK, we had a lady who would come in once a week for about 5 hours to be with my MIL so we could run errands that took too long. (What ever that means!) But mostly it let us get a break.The lady quit, and MIL was HAPPY! Now we got a replacement and MIL is throwing a fit. As near as I can see it she sees things in a binary way. Good or bad. Productive or a burden. Loved or hated. ...

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