“I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas, I’m never on the sidelines.”

You or someone you know might be inclined at this moment to yell “WHERE DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADERS STAND?”, or, “THIS IS WHY THEY WRITE ARTICLES EXPLAINING SPORTS TO WOMEN.” You might even be inclined to suggest that it was I, your friendly and perfectly rational author, who was yelling those things. You wouldn’t be wrong.

Technically though, ol’ Brandi here has a point. The Dallas Cowboys haven’t played in Dallas proper since 1971, so while cheerleading, she was performing in either Irving or Arlington, where the sidelines are NOT in Dallas so you see why she would say that…you know what, I don’t think she meant to make a point. Moving on.

“I came home to Dallas to shine my light – not to fight.”

Do you own a flashlight company? God I hope you own a flashlight company.

“I’m not a trophy wife, I’m a lifetime achievement award.”

Ooooh, you hear that, y’all? She ain’t no trophy. She’s a plaque.

“I’m the girl next door…IF you live in a big ol’ mansion.”

I don’t, you’re not, and your house is probably 50 shades of beige.

“I grew up a carnie kid. Play games with me, and you’re gonna pay.”

Listen. I have dedicated more hours of my life than I can count to watching every iteration of the Real Housewives (missin’ u, Melbourne) and never, never, have I heard such a tag line. You win, LeeAnne. You win. Bring me a giant stuffed banana in a Rastafarian hat and let’s go get some corn dogs.

We open on Brandi in her kitchen making breakfast. Despite the credits image, Brandi is a ginger. She’s married to a ginger (Bryan), and they have two ginger daughters (Brooklyn and Brinkley). Oh no, what if Tiffany owns the sun and is bringing her sunlight to shine on Brandi and her family? They’ll burn so quickly. The horror.

My mother is a ginger, so I am legally certified to say these things. Send your complaints to her. Also, Brandi doesn’t know how long she’s lived in Dallas and says “ummmm” for a while until she settles on the idea of 15 years. I don’t know if Brandi is very smart.

LeeAnne and Tiffany are out dress shopping for “spring charity season” and this is where we learn that LeeAnne is a charitable machine. She’s making phone calls to provide champagne, tables, venues and sometimes she even goes to three charity events in the same night! I have no doubt that this is actually all a lot of work to put in, but it’s also so entirely far removed from the life I live and the parts of Dallas I enjoy that I’m fighting a very deep and personal war against my eyes to keep them from rolling. LeeAnne says that life as a carnie prepared her for life in Dallas and that in her spare time you can find her hustling on the midway at the State Fair for old times’ sake. Okay, she only said one of these things. BRING ME MY DANG CORN DOG LEEANNE, OR YOU’RE GONNA LOSE AN E.

Cut to Cary working alongside her husband (a plastic surgeon) in the OR. You know what they say – the couple that installs breast implants together, stays together. #LifeGoals

You know these two have to be *pissed* that Heather and Terry Dubrow came along first and captured a spinoff show focusing on his surgery practice. Dr. Dubrow is a man who can craft a fine set of titties and how does plugging products on blogs work because I’d be interested in getting HUH WHAT NEVER MIND. Anyway, Cary and Dr. I Forgot His Name are going to host (wait for it) a charitable event at their home.

Speaking of homes, here’s Stephanie’s! Oh look, it’s beige.

Inside this beige bastion of blandness, Brandi has arrived to drink wine with Stephanie. That sounds so uncouth, don’t you think? “Drinking wine.” Why don’t we call it something a little more classy, a little more…holy. Why don’t we call it “Jesus Juice”? Luckily, we don’t have to call it that because that’s what Brandi is calling it. Stephanie spends her days at home accomplishing (or attempting) the list of chores her husband leaves for her so she can “earn her money” around the house. Sigh. Let’s back away from everything problematic with that and focus on the fact these daydrinking lushes are about to program some garage door openers!

This is fine.

We’re gonna have to keep an eye on Stephanie, you guys. She and her husband have opposite personalities and backgrounds that were brought together by a weekend bender of Jesus Juice and she wouldn’t mind if Jesus called for a Rapture and took her away. Does the Rapture come with juice?

Charity Time at Cary’s house. She’s hosting a jewelry trunk show with proceeds benefiting a charity that assists women in getting reconstructive breast surgery after a mastectomy. Good for her and Dr. Not Terry! The whole cast is here and the Juicebox Twins are helping themselves to a glass or five of His finest beverage and are standing in the kitchen giggling about farts and pooping themselves during labor. LeeAnne, queen of society, is Not Having It and drops an insult that made me pause my tv and cackle for five minutes.

LEEANNE. Girl, you don’t even have to bring me that corn dog now. We’re good. I’m not even gonna mention you’re wearing too much blush, because I love you that much. And also because I’m a little afraid of you.

Tiffany and her musician husband Aaron regroup after the charity event over some coffee and memories of Los Angeles, where they met and fell in love. If we never see Aaron again, it’s because Keith Urban sued for copyright infringement and/or had Aaron killed.

Oh god, time for another charity event. This “No Tie Dinner”, also known as dinner, is hosted by Marie at her home. Marie is the official “Friend Of A Cast Member That Wants To Be On The Show But Didn’t Officially Make It On The Show™”…looking at you, Katie Hamilton. Marie is a friend of LeeAnne and of facial fillers alike.

This season is shaping up to be LeeAnne versus the rest of the girls, as Cary and the Juicebox Twins have plenty to say about LeeAnne while standing around in Marie’s kitchen during the No Tie Dinner dinner. Brandi has a LeeAnne impression that she’s shown off to some people and word of this gets around to LeeAnne, and oh lord let me tell you this is one of my favorite scenes in the history of this soul-sucking show. Brandi cowers and declines to show off her impression to Lee Anne and Tiffany, but then asks LeeAnne to go sit with her and talk. Nothing good happens when two Real Housewives step away to sit and “talk”. It’s like going with a hippie to a second location.

Powered by Jesus Juice and her pom poms for brains, Brandi tells LeeAnne that she doesn’t understand why LeeAnne has to be so loud and aggressive and the center of attention, and that she feels sorry for her. LeeAnne pauses for a moment, gazing at her opponent like a predator ready to feed on its prey. Brandi disagrees with the way LeeAnne goes about hosting lavish charity functions and thinks *that* money should go to charity instead, and then drops the Ultimate Real Housewife-ism: she thinks LeeAnne “should get help.”

Oh, girl. Does wine get blood stains out of couches?

Coming up this season on the Real Housewives of Dallas: parties, booze, more parties, more booze, marital problems for Tiffany and Not Keith Urban, Not Yet Married marital problems for LeeAnne, LeeAnne fights with Brandi, LeeAnne fights with Marie, LeeAnne fights with Tiffany, LeeAnne fights a camera man! I can’t wait, you guys.

See you and Brandi’s drunken Donald Trump face next week.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Monday, 10/9C. All images belong to Bravo.