Search

My Other Blog

My NYT Bestseller!

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

I love these most of all. Because no matter how Wrecktastic cakes can become- I feel that cakes like these embody the true spirit of Cake Wrecks - the cakes that say how on God's Green Earth could this happen? Did the wrecker speak a foreign language? Are we truly an illiterate nation? Or could an English-speaking literate person who was just busy and distracted (or maybe taking revenge on a rude customer) create something that, literally, takes the cake.

ACE is not spelled military style, it's for sure Elementary style. Everyone knows that every alphabet in every elementary classroom features first an A-for apple, and B- for ball and C- for cat. Can't have it any other way. Then the elementary grading scale is E-S-N-U. E for excellent, S for satisfactory, N for needs improvement, U for unacceptable or AKA your butt is trouble when you get home.

Actually that inscription would make for a pretty good passive-aggressive cake. Trick would be finding a cake big enough to fit all that in. ...now that i think about it, a lot of meme phrases would work well spelled out on cake military style.

So, I was thinking that the Hawaiian shirt actually looked good (writing aside), until I realized that it was a CCC... and then the realization of how much frosting had been spackled on there kind of horrified me. And that's coming from someone who views cake as a vector for frosting delivery...

The one time I ever asked for a cake to be decorated, the bakery was INCREDIBLY unhelpful and eventually shoved the blank cake back at me and my friends with a tube of gel, saying they couldn't write the words and we had to do it ourselves. At the time, I thought they were being stupid (yeah, the inscription WAS unusual, but not that hard; WE did it on the first try, and we had no decorating experience. Zip.) Now I'm thinking we were lucky.

Maybe Ace is a pet store/apple orchard celebrating it's excellent year of success selling felines and fruit. Alternatively, Apple and Cat are the two excellent employees responsible for the year of success.

I got the first one when I saw it. I also thought that, as wrecks go, this isn't a bad cake to get/present.

I loved the Hawaiian shirt: excellent artistry in that one.Any text would mess it up. I didn't even notice it was a CCC until it was pointed out above. This may be the best CCC that I've seen on this site.

I imagine at least one or more of these wreakors didn't appreciate being talked to like an idiot, so he or she did the wreak on purpose. When the customer comes back to complain, they put on their best "Dude" impersination... "Awww, man, dude. I was wondering why you would want to put something like that on a cake! Hey, y'know, just between you and me... it sounded kinda stupid, y'know?"

ma.gen.ta.ty (ma-jen-ta-T)noun1. stunning lack of common sense; obtuseness; crippling literal-mindedness.2. the state of being overwhelmingly pink.Origin:2011 < Late English Magenta T clear instructions, equivalent to a "T" that is magenta.Synonymswreckiness, dunderheadedness, oh-goodie-more-balloonsAntonymsdiscernment, perspicacity

All in all, I favor the passive-aggressive theory: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I thought your recitation of the alphabet was part of the text you wanted on the cake. I put everything in caps and used the ten exclamation points to convey the volume at which you were speaking at the end of your phone call. I decided to leave out the swear words, though, since this is a cake for a six-year-old."

Having been a decorator in a grocery store bakery, posts like this one really make me want to write a guide on how to avoid a wreck.

Tip #1: Order in advance! At my store, I was the only cake decorator. If you came outside of the 8-5 I worked 5 days a week, chances were that the "writing" on your cake would be done by someone who would have to take half an hour to mispell congratulations on your cake.

Tip #2: Order in person and ask to speak to the decorator if at all possible. If you are going to call, try only to do so to find out when the decorator will be there.

Tip #3: Bring a sketch of what you want your cake to look like, including writing. It needn't be particularly specific, but if you can draw a box, scribble a couple of "flowers" and write the inscription, that will go a long way toward ensuring that you will get the product you want.

Tip #4: Do not show up early for your cake. If you say you will be there at 4pm to pick it up, do not show up at 3 and ask if it is ready. It may be, but your decorator will then feel the need to hurry and something will, inevitably, get screwed up. If you think there's a chance you'll show up early, ask for your cake to be done sooner, like 1pm.

Tip #5: Do not ask for a kit cake done in whipped icing. It will never look the same as the buttercream, the amount of dye to get it even close to a similar color as the buttercream is probably cancerous and definitely makes the icing runny, and in general the colored whipped icing tastes horrid because of the large amounts of dye.

Tip #6: Do find a creative cake decorator and let them "play" if you can. You may get a wreck, but you may also get something wonderful. Plan some time to actually talk with the decorator about ideas if you don't have any of your own. Listen to their brainstorming and see if they're even someone you want to deal with.

Tip #7: If you are asking for something a little unusual, ask for it to be done much earlier than you need it so you have time for corrections.

Tip #8: Do not ask for black icing. If you aren't aware, it will turn your poo green. Then your guests will either call you or the bakery you went through to ask why their poo is green. This makes for some interesting phones calls about BMs. Some people will not be forthright enough to call, though, and will judge you on their poo's color from thereafter. You are warned.

Tip #9: Do not over-order cake. If there will be 12 people at your party, you will not need half of a sheet cake. You could get by with a 1/8 sheet cake easily enough. Though, be warned. All of the kit cakes are designed to go on a 1/4 sheet cake. Any bigger or smaller and things will not look as you hoped.

Tip #10: Do not buy your 1 year old a gigantic cake. Get them maybe a jumbo cupcake to play in, but there will be many other birthdays that they'll actually have a shot of remembering where you can shell out $50 on cake. If you buy your 1 year old one of the Barbie doll dress cakes, your decorator will be judging you.

Tip #11: Just say no to CCC's. The cupcake-cake is a monstrosity of epic proportions and is not any less messy than cake. If your heart is set on cupcakes, get cupcakes and have your message written in individual letters on top.