Wrong way to take bull by the horns

Published 4:00 am, Sunday, November 9, 2003

Deep thoughts, cheap shots & bon mots . . .

Tui, we hardly knew he.

Bull rider Justin McBride is shooting for a million-dollar payday this weekend, less than a month after sustaining broken ribs and a punctured lung when stomped by a bull named Mission Pack. Tell you what, padnuh -- ain't nothin' like a big ol' chaw of Red Man for pluggin' up a sucking chest wound.

Mission Pack would have won that particular rodeo, but he failed to stay on McBride for the required eight seconds.

Tiger Woods says he "yip-spazzed" a putt. Finally, his vocabulary is catching up with my golf game.

Peyton Manning is in deep you-know-what over an incident at U of Tennessee in '96, where he allegedly dropped his pants and sat on the head of a female trainer. I don't have any legal advice for Manning, but if I'm Greg Minton, I run down to the trademark office to register my old nickname.

First Tsuyoshi Shinjo, now Jose Cruz Jr. It's obvious that the Giants have placed way too much emphasis on stylish outfield glove men.

After taking nearly five hours to complete the New York City Marathon, rapper P. Diddy has announced that he is changing his name to P. Destrian.

In Manteca, they opened a new sports complex adjacent to a cornfield. At the groundbreaking, a man walked out of the cornfield, wearing an old White Sox uniform, and said, "I'm told there's a field of dreams here, and I'm looking for a game to play." And there's not a damn thing Bud Selig could do to stop Shoeless Joe from playing, since his lifetime ban expired in 1951.

Now Nike is worried that Jackson is going to sue them for stealing his air shoe idea.

Yo, Pete Rose: Depending on how far you're willing to go to get back into baseball, we may have found you a loophole.

The Chargers (1-7) were playing it coy, refusing to announce who would start at quarterback -- Drew Brees or Doug Flutie -- against the Vikings (6-2). This must have sent Minnesota into an absolute tizzy until Friday, when Flutie got the call.

In a similar bit of gamesmanship, the Raiders, going into their game against the Jets, are refusing to reveal who is actually in charge of the team.

Here's who the Chargers should start: Brees, riding on Flutie's shoulders.

Joe Torre has started a foundation to combat domestic abuse, explaining that he grew up in a family where his father was an abusive bully. Asked his opinion of Torre's foundation, George Steinbrenner commented (I'm guessing), "If my damn manager would spend more time on baseball and less on outside activities, we might be able to win a World Series once in a while."

Rick Peterson has crazy ideas, like having his A's pitchers warm up with their eyes closed. He took his guys to a biomechanics lab and quoted from "Zen and the Art of Archery." And somehow he kept the attention of his stable of brilliant young pitchers, who thrived under him. Now he's gone, and the Aces have yet another reason to flee when their respective contracts are up.

The State Department plans to send 100 agents to the Olympics in Athens to protect American athletes. That means that if the THG doping scandal gets any deeper, each U.S. athlete will have about 10 bodyguards.

The Florida Marlins will become the Miami Marlins if the city builds the team a $325 million ballpark. If not, say hello to the Miami Sucks Marlins.

Tampa Bay lineman Kenyatta Walker's SUV was burglarized while he was in a restaurant. Gone: $72,000 in jewelry and stereo equipment. Police are looking for a man wearing green tights and armed with a bow and arrow.

Jason Richardson regrets his domestic abuse incident, telling our colleague David Steele, "I can't do that to my teammates again." Uh, if you're going to go public with your remorse, J-Rich, how about also tossing out a my- bad to the woman you pushed through that wall?

Shaq O'Neal once again retreats into his no-talk zone, explaining to the media, "You're not at my level, intelligence-wise." If I were, I'd be hitting the THG pretty damn hard.

The Raiders' best strategy: Blame it all on Andrea Kremer and move on.

Unclear on the concept: After 90 years in operation, the Everlast boxing equipment factory in the Bronx is closing down.

It could change at any moment, but right now British sprinter Dwain Chambers holds the title (invented by retired scribe George Kiseda) of World's Fastest Hormone.

That former Tennessee football trainer is trying to sue the pants onto Peyton Manning. If Manning winds up losing the legal battle, the incident will go down as the most expensive moon landing since Neil Armstrong's.