Drained

I was excited about leaving the hospital, i left 3 days after the record which is amazing for me lol, i thought i'd be in much longer. I managed to turn most my meds into tablets/liquids and i was able to eat a lot better so my PEG was removed. I'm still taking quite a lot of my meds intrevenasly but meh, i thought i done well.

But yer, i was excited about leaving hospital because i'd been on a special 'clean diet' for ages and i wasn't allowed take outs or junk food so i made a big list of take outs i want, including a huge pack of KFC corn! becuase i love corn. I've been out of hospital for 4 days now and the closest thing i've had to my KFC is fish and chips on the coast. I can't eat anything, after 2 or 3 mouthfulls i'm full and it makes me feel bad because my carer puts so much effort into making my meals exciting. I had a target weight and some cell count to reach before they would consider letting me go to my bfs funeral but i'm no where near the target and his funerals on Thursday. It's hard, i love the hostel i'm in, its the most amazing place in the world but i met my bf here back in October and another friend Jamie, Jamie's left now because his transplant was successful and well...my bfs gone for obvious reasons. It's weird being here without them both.

I've been really weak aswell, i've been in an isolation room for near enough 2 months, the only exercise i got was from physio and walking to the shower room every now and then so now i've got my freedom i've been running about the place, going crazy and now i'm suffering from exhaustion.

I spent most of today in the hospital because of the exhaustion and because i'm dehydrated, i'm not drinking the amount i need to be drinking because i just can't drink, its hard so they've decided to put me on a drip so i'll be getting fluids so even if i could run about i can't because i'm attached to that for a little bit.

I don't know. I thought i was doing well. I've managed to put on 3lbs since leaving hospital, i've managed to build up my muscles that were dying in that isolation room and on top of that i haven't been harming, i haven't harmed for a long time and i'm starting to miss it. I'm not getting my feelings out properly, i don't cry anymore. I used to cry all the time when i harmed but now i'm not harming i feel the need to hide my feelings. Everyone thinks i'm happy now so when i want to talk about feeling low i can't because i don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I thought i'd done well.

I understand that i can't go to my bf's funeral, i would have to stay in London overnight, away from the hospital and to do that i'll need to be on top form, i'm not on top form, i understand that but i'm still upset about it.

:sad: i want to be back to normal but i'll never be back to my old self again, even after the treatment in 2 years or so, i'll never be the same.

Jbird
you are an amazingly strong young woman. I don't know if I'd be able to be as strong and fight like you have. The fact that you are out of hte hospital so fast proves you are a fighter. I know you are still weak and want to be back to being a "normal" teen, but give it time. Small sicknesses take time to heal and you've gone through something tremendous. Keep fighting and it will get better. My thoughts are with you hun :hug:

i'm also very moody at the moment, irritated as i'm sure a lot of people would be if they were stuck feeling like this. I want to apologise for those i upset the other day in chat and in advance incase i do it again, i'm normally able to control my anger but in the circumstances i'm easily triggered and pissed off. Sorry.