‘Nothing You Can Really Do About Them’

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and tilting their heads to the side, a group of defeated-looking experts from top American universities released a joint report Monday recommending you just put up with everyone else because there’s nothing you can really do about them. “According to our research, the people around you are never going to change, so you might as well adapt and just save yourself the emotional energy,” said the experts in a series of frank and honest remarks, adding that statistically speaking, it was about time to grit your teeth and bear it for the foreseeable future. “While it might seem counterintuitive, if you’re waiting on them to get better, now would be as good a time as any to disabuse yourself of that notion. Rather than waste your time, just accept them for what they are and move on with the rest of your life.” At press time, experts confirmed that, yes, your current situation certainly sucks, but what the hell else are you going to do?