WELCOME BACK! This week on The Bachelor, my identity got stolen, so I am watching this show in between filing a police report and freezing my credit! But my problems seem minor in comparison to the cadre of beautiful, blonde, hopeless women trying to project their feelings onto blank slate Ben Higgins!

The girls talk about how they want to marry Ben! For some reason we watch Ben put his pants on. He’s wearing electric blue boxer briefs. (I consulted with fiance on this. Direct any corrections to him.) Ben talks about how he wants to get married or something. I was just trying to figure out if showing a half-naked Ben was an attempt to make me more interested in the show, so I wasn’t really listening. For the record, HARRISON, you CARD, it takes a lot more than dangling Ben Higgins’ pasty skin in my general direction to get me invested in this show, so try harder next time.

Lace says she was drunk and emotional when she acted like Sharon Stone on the first night. “That’s not me! Let’s start over!” Spoiler alert, as it turns out, that was the real Lace, and she immediately falls back into deranged rambling about wanting to make out with Ben. Lace, you are clearly deeply unhinged; go with it, girl! There’s champagne on the group date she gets picked to go on, so we’re going to be seeing the real her soon.

Ben elects to take the girls “back to school” today! I guess this is Malibu High, based on the exteriors, but TODAY it is Bachelor High. Do you see what they did there? This is extremely creepy, and Harrison shows up dressed like a nerdy teacher, promising that the girl who wins will be “Ben’s prom queen.” There are challenges, and the girls are partnered up. In the first challenge, Lace and Jubilee lose because Lace apparently can’t read. One of the later challenges is to put Indiana on a map. One team puts Indiana the wrong way on the map. “It’s so embarrassing.” I suggest the producers test for basic literacy and fourth grade geography during casting in the future.