Tressnac the Magnificent

Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest,
that omnipotent master of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes,

Tressnac the Magnificent!

Thank you, oh fine second banana.

Welcome once again, O Great Sage… I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnall’s porch. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers to these questions having never seen them before!!

Thank you, yes. May I have the first envelope, please. Thank you. I must now have absolute silence…

Silence!

The answer is… Gatorade.

Gatorade.

*rip*blow*open* What does a Florida football player get on welfare?

HAUGH!

May Trev Alberts crash your daughter’s bachelorette party.

Another envelope, please. The answer is… 1941, 2001, and 2099.

1941, 2001, and 2099.

*rip*blow*open* Name two movies and the next time Phil Fulmer has a 10-win season.

HAUGH!

More silence, please.

Silence!

The answer is… Fresh air, beautiful cheerleaders, and national championships.

Fresh air, beautiful cheerleaders, and national championships.

*rip*blow*open* Name three things you won’t find in Ann Arbor.

HAU – Hey, that’s not funny.

May an overzealous TSA agent discover a secret compartment in your sister’s brassiere.

Here’s another, sir.

Yes, thank you. The answer is… Mount Baldi.

Mount Baldi.

*rip*blow*open* What did Cal coach Jeff Tedford’s wife do on their wedding night?

HAUGH!

May your only son win a cheerleading scholarship to a Mountain West school.

I now hold in my hand the final envelope.

The final envelope?

The final one. Here you go.

Hmmm… The answer is… See Bob Stoops.

See Bob Stoops.

*rip*blow*open* What does it say on the front of Rhett Bomar’s time card?

HAUGH! Ladies and Gentlemen, Tressnac the Magnificent!

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Comments

Cute. Not as good as the border security thing, but pretty good. One thing though, the air is actually fresher here in Ann Arbor (where I live). There are more trees, hence the name. When I first moved here I didn’t understand why the place wasn’t a total dump like I learned during my time in Columbus. Who knew? Keep up the good work. Go Bucks!

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[…] In a mere 5 hours the Buckeyes will start the 2006 season. Wahoo! Here’s a little light reading courtesy of the blog “Men of Scarlet and Gray” with a nifty little Carson knock-off, Tressnac The Magnificent! Enjoy. I got a real chuckle out of this one, of course I always enjoyed Carnac too… See you on the other side of the game. GO BUCKS! Meatspace coordinates: N37.32.4 W122.30.9 Ohio State’s 2006 record: 0-0 Tune: A Pirate Looks at Forty by Jimmy Buffet Technorati Tags: College Football | Ohio State University | Mike Harding Blog […]

[…] We were quite geeked that CSTV gave us the attention. I’ll admit, though, it’s kinda odd to have Trev Alberts making comments on things that you have written. I picture him printing out our post, making notes in the margins, preparing comments for the taped show. Then I imagine him clicking through the rest of our site, and seeing that we’ve called him Mrs. Mark May, had him embedded in a laundry cart of jockstraps, and had Tressnac use him as fodder for one of his classic insults. Makes me feel warm inside. […]