"Finally, I suspect that it is by entering that deep place inside us where our secrets are kept that we come perhaps closer than we do anywhere else to the One who, whether we realize it or not, is of all our secrets the most telling and the most precious we have to tell." Frederick Buechner

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"If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a Hope-er, a Pray-er, a Magic Bean buyer; if you're a pretender, come sit by my fire. For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!" -- Shel Silverstein

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Pain touches pain

Sometimes, you know, the phone rings and you just never know what's going to be set into motion.

So, a week ago I got a call from a local business man - someone I know only from
occasional pleasant conversations over the counter. His wife died
suddenly and unexpectedly and he asked if I would preside at the funeral.
He said he had called his former church - an Episcopal Church in the NE Corridor (not
saying which diocese - it doesn't matter) - but found that it had
closed 5 years ago.

This was the church
where he and his wife had gotten married. It was where all three of
their kids were baptized and confirmed and one was married. His wife had
chaired the hospitality committee and both had taught in the Church
School and organized and lead girl and boy scout troops. His wife had
served on the Altar Guild and he had served on the Vestry, including two
terms as a Warden, one during a capital fund drive as well as a time on
the Search Committee.

It
was also the place where he practiced "sacrificial giving" and pledged -
no matter what. Indeed, he's continued to send a check at the end of
every year, for the 10 years since he moved here.

He
said he knows that all the checks he's sent for the past ten years have
been cashed. No one sent him a thank you note - which he didn't expect nor want - but neither did anyone send him a note telling him that the
church had been closed. He wistfully and sadly wondered what had happened to those five
checks and hoped they went to some good.

But, he wondered if I
would be willing to preside at the Celebration of Life ("That's what they're calling it these days," he said, sounding confounded) and Memorial Service at the funeral home chapel - the service directly from
the Book of Common Prayer, please, but no communion, thank you - and that I would kindly
understand if he was really, really angry at the church and would
probably be for a very, very long time.

In my pastoral work, we have a saying: Pain touches pain.

It was very clear that the pain of the sudden, unexpected death of his wife was touching the pain of his sudden, unexpected learning of the death of his beloved church.

The intensity of all that pain was almost too much for him to bear.

So, when I went to the house the next day to plan the service with him and his daughter, we talked a bit about the closed church and the checks.

He was grieving too deeply to be concerned about the money. But the daughter? Well, she was furious.

No, wait. She passed the Exit for Furious about 10 minutes after she heard the story from her father and was on the road to Heads Will Roll.

So, while I was there, she called the diocesan office. She put the speaker phone on so everyone would be able to hear.

To my surprise and delight, the person who answered the phone at the diocesan office did exactly what was needed:

Offered sincere condolences.

Assumed the veracity of the complaint and didn't challenge it or get defensive.

Apologized, profusely.

Listened, actively.

Empathized, warmly.

Assured the caller that, "I, personally, will get to the bottom of this and get back to you."

There are lots of possibilities I can imagine about what happened to that money - everything from theft by an individual to incompetence of a bookkeeper to an overwhelmed diocesan staff to the indifference or arrogance or the "hands off" leadership style of the diocesan bishop.

And, I'm sure there are things I can't possibly imagine.

It's important to know what really happened so that, yes, if there was any wrong doing, there can be accountability and appropriate consequences, but especially so that procedures and policies can be put in place so it never happens again.

The daughter's response was equally surprising and delightful.

She said, "Look, bottom line, we don't want the money back. We want it to be put into a fund that provides pastorally for the congregation after a church is closed."

"You can use it to pay someone, if necessary, to search the parish records and books and make sure letters go out to everyone to notify them of the church's closing. I don't care if half of the letters come back marked 'undeliverable'. The cost would be worth it to make the good faith effort to make sure everyone knows what happened to their church."

I cringed at the use of the term "good faith effort" which seemed poignant in the circumstance.

"The only thing I ask is that it not be used to pay some or part of diocesan staff position," she said.

"My mother would want to help the bishop be the bishop: The Chief Pastor. I want to help the bishop and the diocese to be pastoral. Is that too much to ask?" she asked, her voice trembling with emotion.

Again, the person at the diocese who answered the phone was very pastoral and said quietly, "Of course not. That is not an unreasonable request. It's a perfectly reasonable expectation."

She again apologized profusely, offered sincere condolences, promised again to "get to the bottom of this" and get back to her. "I will call you no less than a week from today to give you an update of where I am," she said as they exchanged pleasantries and hung up.

A few days later, I presided at the funeral. It was in the chapel of the funeral home and it was lovely. I was in cassock, surplice, tippet and hood. The service was directly out of the Book of Common Prayer. The music was piped in over a Really Good sound system. It was solemn and respectful with moments of poignant humor and absolutely infused with a sense of celebrating this woman's life.

It was everything the Burial Rite in the Book of Common Prayer promises: A belief in the resurrection so deep and so profound that it creates a safe place where people can grieve and mourn while also rejoicing in the precious gifts of faith and life. In that moment of communal worship, God's people can weep and laugh, all without concern for judgement.

It was not in "A" church but the church was there in that funeral home chapel. It was an honor and a privilege, as it always is no matter where I am, to be the church's representative at a moment of intense individual family loss and pain and grief and emotion.

I don't yet know if the diocese has gotten back to the daughter. I pray for the best possible outcome.

That's not why I'm writing this blog. The money is not the important thing here. It's just money. It's gone and the family doesn't want it back.

It's the relationships we have in Christ that are more valuable that fine gold. The breach of trust in that relationship may have caused irreparable harm to an entire family.

I'm writing this blog because, after I posted this story on my FaceBook page, it became clear that this is not an isolated incident. One person wrote that, after her church was closed, she drove by and noticed that "someone" had thrown out the parish registers in the dumpster.

Seriously.

I'm writing this blog because I hope a few folk read it and call their diocesan offices and ask if there is a diocesan policy for pastoral care for congregations of closed churches. And, if there isn't one, to insist that one be developed.

If necessary, write a resolution for your next diocesan convention as an opportunity to educate the diocese on this issue, and get everyone on board with the policy.

I also hope some seminary faculty or seminarians read this and begin to ask what kind of pastoral care might be required for a congregation when their church closes. There are going to be more - not less - of these pastoral challenges in the years ahead.

I especially like the Pastoral Care section but I don't see a specific area that deals with making an attempt to reach out to parishioners who have moved away.

There may be others. If your diocese has such a policy, please do share a link to it in the comment section.

I think it's incredibly important that dioceses take responsibility to insure the pastoral care of all parishioners of all closed congregations.

Even the ones that have moved away.

Especially the ones that keep contributing.

Because, you know, sometimes the unexpected and unthinkable happens.

And then, the phone rings.

I don't think, for a clergy person anyway, not answering the phone is an option.

UPDATE: A note from Joan Gundersen, Archivist from the Diocese of Pittsburgh

A number of dioceses do not have an archivist. Every diocese should. The position doesn't need to be full time, depending on the circumstances. There is an organization for individuals serving a parish or diocesan archivists and they offer training at their annual meetings. It is NEHA (National Episcopal Historians and Archivists). If your diocese does not have someone designated to handle these responsibilities, it is not meeting its pastoral obligations or serving as good stewards.

8 comments:

Thank you. I recently heard from a friend that the Diocese of Easton (the Eastern Shore of Maryland) had closed a number of churches built in the days when the Church of England was the established church in Maryland (1692-1776) with funds raised by a poll tax on the people and secured to the Episcopal Church by the Vestry Act. (For more see Nelson Rightmyer - my father's - _Maryland's Established Church_.)

I don't know what offers of pastoral care were made. When the Roman Catholic Church closes a patrish the parishioners are transferred to a nearby parish. I would hope that is the Episcopal Church procedure.

So far in Western NC churches have been served by active retired clergy and none have closed, but that won't continue forever.

I serve a three point charge: the Episcopal Parishes of Schuyler County, New York. In 2007 I closed one of them. I continue to consider myself the Priest for that place and continue to list the congregation on my calling card. All of the members of that congregation have been welcomed and absorbed into the ministry of the two continuing congregations. But, I always refer to the third congregation when praying for our churches. The Bishop and Chief Financial Officer of the Diocese don't know what to do with this concept. They want to officially close the books on the parish and declare it defunct. I have resisted. It is not too much for me to honor the sacrifice and sanctity of their 110 year history of witness to the Gospel. I am still their pastor.

EVERYBODY: Please make sure you check with your diocesan office and ask about a policy for pastoral care for churches that are closed. If they say, "Oh yes, we have one," insist on seeing it. Check it out. thoroughly.

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About Me

I am a joyful Christian who claims the fullness of the Anglican tradition of being evangelical, Anglo-Catholic, charismatic, orthodox and radical. Since 1991, my canonical residence has been the Diocese of Newark, where I was a member of the Women's Commission (since 1993), the Department of Missions (2 terms), The Commission on Ministry (1 term), The Standing Committee (4 years, one as President). I served as an elected Deputy to General Convention in 2000, 2003, and 2006. I have served as a board member of Integrity, USA, and as a founding member of Claiming The Blessing. I am national Convener of The Episcopal Women's Caucus, and am now member of the national board of RCRC. I attended the Lambeth Conference in 1998 and 2008 representing EWC. I graduated in May 2008 from Drew with my doctorate in Pastoral Care and Counseling and was Proctor Fellow at EDS, Spring Semester 2011. I am a GOE reader. I consult and counsel at Canterbury Pastoral Care Center in Harbeson, DE.

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