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Why just survive when you can thrive?

Ask the Gracious Ladies: Thanksgiving Edition

by theladieszombiehandbook

Dear Miss E. and Mrs K.,

Thanksgiving is only a week away and I’ve never dressed a turkey, let alone decorated for a post-zombie world holiday. Can you offer some advice for how to find, kill, and prepare a bird for dinner? Are there acceptable substitutes? Any other suggestions for a festive meal, centerpieces, and entertaining human guests would be most appreciated. I managed to salvage Grandmother Helen’s finest silver and china, so at least stylish dinnerware is available — no ghastly twig forks for me please. Finally, what is the appropriate etiquette for requesting that someone stay from the table at all times to watch for zombies and how do I decide who to ask without being rude? Merci!

Yours truly,Katie

Dear Katie,

Thank you for your question. As Miss E can attest, Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year and not just because game hunting gives me an opportunity to use my crossbow for something other than ghoul-hunting. And I can’t tell you how lovely it is to hear that you’ve saved your grandmother’s dinnerware. My own Grammy’s silver was rudely melted down by a few former members of our group to make a new axe head, even though they already had two! Needless to say, I did not mourn too long when they failed to return from a zed hunting mission.

But enough about our household squabbles, let’s get to your questions! Wild turkeys may be scarce but don’t be afraid to work with what you have. Ducks, geese and even a stray peacock from an abandoned zoo can serve in a pinch. As long as there are drumsticks, you won’t hear any complaints!

Here’s a quick and easy decoration idea that’s great for kids. First, gather a number of fallen leaves from around the perimeter of your shelter. Next, search the house for any string, twine or fishing line. You will need about twelve feet. With a small needle string the leaves along the twine, adding a few berries between each leaf. Now you have a beautiful, festive garland to drape around the dining room.

Finally, your question on sentry duty etiquette. It is so important to be tactful in asking your guests to stand guard. As we all know, heading into the long dark winter months, you’ll be cooped up with your fellow survivors for many hours a day, so it is best not to give anyone a reason to hold a grudge. I try to make a game out of it! Start the meal with a quick game of musical chairs (I suggest having the children sing a favorite new world folk song such as the re-purposed classic “Zombies Comin’ Round the Mountain)”. Last person standing at the end of the second verse stands guard. Be sure to bring the guard a hot plate and all will be forgiven once they get a helping of green bean casserole!