Having once nearly drowned following Jonathan Ross's valiant attempt to pronounce "sausages", the Fiver's never really agreed with Elton John's assertion that sorry seems to be the hardest word. But it appears that Kolo Toure does. For today, 24 hours on from the red mists and red card he suffered during Arsenal's 2-1 Carling Cup defeat against Chelsea, Koure couldn't quite bring himself to say the 's' word. "I apologise. I regret my actions," he wailed, thumbing through a thesaurus. "But Chelsea were winning and were starting to waste time, and I was not happy."

Indeed he wasn't. But remarkably, Toure reckons he has done enough to avoid a thumping ban when referee Howard Webb's report is posted through the door of the Football Association. "I do not think I will get banned," Toure insisted, sheepishly. "When they look at the tape, they will see I have done nothing wrong," he continued, shoving the Fiver to the floor before we could say 'so why apologise, then?' and adding: "The people who run football know who is bad and they know that I am always trying to do my best."

But while Toure was begging for forgiveness, John Terry was showing no ill-effects after turning bluer than Weird Uncle Fiver's Best Bongo Compilation XVIII following his collapse on the pitch yesterday. "I was just saying to the lads I don't remember, you know," Terry told Chelsea TV. "I remember walking out for the second half and nothing else until waking up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. But I've had the scan and they said it's OK. I'm still feeling a bit groggy, though."

Meanwhile Petr Cech has been getting out his Black Sabbath albums in tribute to his captain who, incredibly, was able to join his team-mates in celebrating victory last night. "I told John afterwards that if there is some trophy for 'Iron Man of the Year', I think it is him," he growled, crunching out a Tony Iommi solo and making a devil sign. "After the injury in Porto, he came back and played. Now he is fine, he was laughing and OK. He is unbelievable."

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I have never experienced anything like this. You have to be scared for your life and family. You have to consider whether to quit playing here" - Dynamo Dresden forward Marco Vorbeck ponders his future after he and his team-mates were insulted and attacked by 50 pistol-wielding fans at a weekend training session.

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THE RETURN OF RONALDINHO?

He's gifted and he's podgy, which is sufficient excuse for the Fiver to refer to Ronaldinho as the Brazilian Lee Trundle. Alas, much as we would like to report that the Barcelona beefcake celebrated his team's 3-0 victory over La Liga bottom-feeders Bilbao last night by removing his jersey to reveal a '**** off Espanyol' T-shirt, that just didn't happen. Instead, he stripped off and cavorted in front of photographers like a gloating Chippendale, revealing nothing but a waistline that was nothing like a gloating Chippendale's.

Samuel Eto'o may have told L'Equipe last week that he doesn't mind his team-mate attending "only eight out of every 50 training sessions ... because he comes in for more rough treatment from defenders than anyone else," but that doesn't wash with the Spanish media, who last week linked Ronaldinho's increasingly shabby performances with his increasingly flabby physique - and published topless photos of him as he is now alongside similar ones of him taken a year ago, when the only extra weight he was carrying was less talented team-mates.

"Over the last week photos have come out insinuating I'm fat," barked the Brazilian after his return to form last night. "But I have always looked after myself and am in better shape now than ever," he continued, possibly while looking in one of those magic mirrors you see in circuses. "With everything that has been said about me recently I was motivated to play even better against Bilbao," he concluded triumphantly, as the Fiver wondered if the real reason for his improved display is that Bilbao are lousy. But if he really has rediscovered his appetite for football and, like another famous Ronnie (ie Jeremy), manages to keep it up, then that's surely good news for everyone. Except Liverpool, of course.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Arsenal will swap one self-regarding striker for another by selling Thierry Henry to Inter and using the funds raised to buy Samuel Eto'o from Barcelona.

And the Pope's O'Rangers have slotted in behind several girls in bikinis, the Queen's Celtic, a vicar, Middlesbrough, a milkman, Manchester City, a buxom model wearing a gown-mortar board-and-fishnet stockings combo and Chelsea in the Benny Hill-esque fast-forward chase to sign Reading's Steve Sidwell.

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STILL WANT MORE?

James Richardson and the Football Weekly team break down the Carling Cup final and the state of the Championship in our latest podcast.

For the best comment and the liveliest debate, ask a ridiculously drunk Chelsea fan to stop smoking on a train. Failing that you could go to our sportsblog .

And in tomorrow's all-singing, all-dancing award-winning £0.70 Berliner Big Paper: Reading winger John Oster looks forward to his side's heartbreaking FA Cup fifth-round replay defeat on penalties at the hands of the MU Rowdies, and the terminally ill horse that is Croke Park Being Open To Rugby gets another flogging. * * * * * * * * * *

Soulmates - Now you're hearing things...

With Soulmates online you can now listen to audio clips from potential partners and create your own personal voice recordings.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Having just hailed Robbie Fowler as the best finisher at Liverpool, Rafael Benitez has announced the imminent summer arrival of his replacement. Ukraine striker Andriy Voronin will join Liverpool on a Bosman from Bayer Leverkusen in the summer.

Cristiano Ronaldo has told American Vogue magazine that he is the best dancer. "I don't need to drink alcohol before I can dance. It's natural to me. It's what I do," he declared, leaving the Fiver to surmise that if the Portugal international sniffed the cork before hitting the dancefloor, he might have trouble staying on his feet.

Both QPR and their assistant manager Richard Hill have been charged with misconduct following the club's kung-fu brawl with the Chinese Olympic side earlier this month.

South Korean Jeon Kyeong-Joon is to report Singaporean soccer club Home United to Fifa this week, claiming he was duped into signing a letter of termination by the club in November. "Jeon does not understand English. He was not aware that it was a termination letter," the player's agent Jang Ki-hyun told Singapore's Straits Times. "He thought he was signing an agreement for new salary terms."

Arsenal youngster Arturo Lupoli has agreed a five-year deal with Fiorentina, whom he will join at the end of the season.

And Tottenham have appealed to the Football Association over serial ref-botherer Robbie Keane's red card for handball in yesterday's Premiership win over Bolton at White Hart Lane.

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FIVER LETTERS

"On a weekend when the Irish and English egg-chasers showed how professional sport should be played, I found it embarrassing to watch two of the self-proclaimed best managers in the world preside over a bunch of girls throwing their toys out the pram down in Cardiff. Special mention must surely go to Messrs Fabregas, Lampard, and Bridge for their starring roles" - Dom.

"It seems to me that the title race is getting to Wayne Bridge. When asked on Radio Five Live last night for his opinion on the fracas on the pitch in stoppage time of the Carling Cup final, he replied: 'It doesn't matter what happened out there on the pitch, we got the three points and that's all that counts'. Are you going to tell him or should I?" - Tim Lloyd.

"In the Sheffield Utd game, $tevie MbE came up with the solution to end the demand for video replays of penalty incidents. If players advise the referee in advance when and where there is going to be a penalty incident, then there's no need to stop the game for replays. Perhaps referees can pre-book players too?" - Alex Blackburn.