Clarionion

Humor | Satire | Sarcasm

By Samuel Krueger

Monday, Oct. 23

Sodexo recalls all Sodexo Bobs from service citing Salmonella fears

Sodexo has recalled all of its Sodexo Bob’s from university cafeterias all across the country due Salmonella outbreaks in their European affiliates. Sodexo headquarters was not able to be reached for comment, but the Sodexo office at Bethel issued the following statement:

“In all likelihood, our Sodexo Bob was just fine and we realize that he was a staple of the Bethel community. However, we needed to take the proper precautions. We will be issued a new, identical Bob very soon. Hopefully, it will be like he was never gone.”

Campus security ends hour-long standoff from other end of table

Security officer Ryan LeVahn was involved in a foot chase through Nelson second floor after finding freshman Levi Mcguire to be violating visitation hours. The chase culminated in an hour-long stand off between campus security and McGuire, who was standing at the other end of a pool table.

McGuire reportedly taunted, “Whoa! Which way am I gonna go?” as security officers attempted to corral him. Unfortunately, as soon as they ran one way, McGuire would run the other. The standoff ended when LeVahn suggested that he run one way, while another officer went the other. The chase was resolved peacefully with McGuire receiving a written reprimand from his resident assistant.

Van Geest involved in high speed collision on AC 1st floor.

Political science Department chair, Fred Van Geest, was involved in an accident Friday. After accelerating down the main straight-away in the Academic Center commons, Van Geest hit a patch of spilled Caramel High-Rise with his scooter and crashed. Witnesses described the scene to Clarion reporters as “morbid” and “terrifying”. Van Geest was unharmed in the crash. It is reported that when he was pulled from the wreckage, as always, he had a smile on his face. In related news, facilities management reports that the AC printer will be operational within the week.

Kresge rock actually 33 million year old meteorite

It turns out that the rock in Kresge courtyard is an important scientific relic that could offer new insights into the formation of both the University and the world itself. Geology professor Bryan Anderson broke the news after making the discovery late last week.

“Bethel archives show that the early pietists, like the Greeks in Athens, actually built Bethel’s campus around this astrological phenomenon in an attempt to align it with certain celestial bodies. The potential implications of this discovery are massive, one of them being the reason for the biology department’s labyrinthine layout.”