But not really, because no one actually wants to be spoiled right before they watch their favorite show live, or even 3 days later, after reading 7 recaps online and downloading all the photos from the next episode. Right?

What follows therefore is a carefully spoiler-free but detail-rich, unspecific but factually accurate account of everything that’s about to go down during next week’s episode of your favorite show.

Yes, that show.

Read on for juicy details and shocking revelations that say absolutely nothing at all.

If you would like to know more about our Spoiler Policy, you can find it here.

Next week’s episode opens on a whimsical moment between two characters who are not the main characters. You’ll be surprised and maybe amused depending on how much you ship these guys. Feel free to check if anyone you know is live tweeting because this whole moment is just a waste of time. Ugh, hurry up and get to the main action!

Wait! The funny moment dissolves into unexpected pain when one character reveals a personal secret/deep concern/burning desire to the other. Wow, that came out of left field. The other character naturally feels out of his (or her — no spoilers!) depth, but musters the wherewithal to utter some bland words of encouragement. The scene ends on a close up of the other character looking vaguely worried. Or mildly constipated. Who knows? The main point we want to get across here is this person is not comforted. At all.

Switch to a dark place, possibly a haunted mansion, or a nightclub, or maybe even a secret underground lair. Our Big Bad of the season is brooding over a past mistake. Not her (or his — no spoilers!) mistake, but that of a henchman. Or woman. Our Big Bad smoulders sexily, but also dangerously, and makes several threats and promises to some extras who have no lines but stand obediently listening to the monologue. You become distracted and look up Big Bad’s profile on IMDB. OMG, you recognize him (or her, remember?) from an old episode of Stargate. Wow! That was a great show.

Finally! Our two leads are together in the same place BUT they are not making out, or even kissing. Ugh! What is with this show!?! Blah blah blah, they seem to be discussing some new problem which has arisen. It concerns that thing that happened last week which we can’t reveal here because there are people reading this article in a country where this show doesn’t air, and they have at least 2 episodes to torrent before they are all caught up, so cool your jets with the major plot point reveals, Internet!

What’s abundantly clear is that one of these two has a personal issue that the other could help with. Instead that person decides to keep it to him/herself.

Our favorite ship (not the adorable gay ship, but the other one) is now joined by supporting characters, who seamlessly board the convo in the Team’s bunker/lodge/loft/office. Consensus is reached. Momentum is gathered. Brooding, pouting and snarking are all dispensed with in a perfunctory manner because this scene is clearly running long. You feel a brief urge to ship everyone all at the same time because when the Team pulls together they are so damned adorbs.

The Team decides to split up into weird little pairs and investigate a random location for clues. For some reason, your second favorite ship is NOT even together! When’s the ad break? You need to pee.

Cut to an abandoned warehouse on the edge of town. Or it could be a deserted mansion — just not the one our Big Bad is currently smouldering in. Henchmen spring out from all directions! There is a beautifully choreographed fight scene which will make you marvel about what a beautifully choreographed fight scene this is. Your favorite lead’s shirt is torn completely off. You drop the remote in surprise and admiration, making a mental note to look him (or her!) up on IMDB later. Why is no one tweeting about this? You cheer as the henchmen are easily dispatched, although one of the Team receives a small sexy gash to their forehead, or cheek. Don’t worry, it will be gone in the next scene. Clues are found. The Team has got this!

It’s clear, when the dust settles, that someone in the Team has a personal issue that any number of the other people present could help with. Instead that person decides to keep it to him/herself.

Back at HQ, the Team takes stock. The two male leads argue about how things should have gone down, but didn’t. Someone says something incendiary. Manly feelings are hurt! This will be a gif on Tumblr later in the week. For some reason, your favorite male lead has yet to put his shirt back on, but you don’t really mind. You wonder vaguely if the actor was cold filming that scene.

It’s clear at this point that one of the Team has a personal issue any number of the other people present could help with. Instead that person decides to keep it to him/herself.

For some reason our favorite ship decides now is a good time to go on an awkward date despite the fact that this is the show’s third season and they know each other better than you do your own mom, and also despite the looming presence of Big Bad, and the tendency for henchmen to leap from the shadows at any moment. The date goes disastrously — I swear it’s like these idiots never plan ahead — but it doesn’t stop one half of our couple revealing a) a big secret and/or b) a deep fear. Whatever blandishments are uttered next will also be adorning one thousand Twitter backgrounds next week, so pay attention.

Switch our our actual favorite ship. No, no that one. The gay one. These guys are having way more fun. And all the best lines. There are cocktails. And sexy mood lighting. They discuss the meaning of life and love in a mature and sophisticated manner. You want to be there with them, swishing your olive in your Martini glass. If one of these guys has a problem the other could help with he’d come right out and say it. One of them is probably going to die horribly in about two weeks time, but you didn’t read it here.

Switch back to the bunker/lodge/loft/office. One of the Team has a personal issue that any number of the other people present could help with. She (or he!) confides — just a smidge — in another character, and wow, why have we never shipped this before? You check Twitter. #Brusthmus is now trending in Nebraska. You’re not entirely sure if it’s related to the show.

A new piece of intel is received by one of the show leads, who decides to investigate a darkened alleyway/warehouse on the edge of town alone. He (or she!) is captured by Big Bad, who is accompanied by several extras with no lines but who look menacing nonetheless.

Big Bad monologues about his or her complicated plans for our lead which seem to involve not killing him (or her!) but brainwashing/poisoning/seducing her (or him!), and then setting him (or her!) free again. This is obviously a weirdly complicated and unnecessary major plot point for another episode which we won’t spoil for you here because we haven’t seen it yet and can’t.

It’s clear the Big Bad has a personal issue that he or she has decided to keep it to him/herself. You suddenly wonder if Big Bad might be redeemable but a quick check of IMDB caps his (or her!) guest star appearances at 7 episodes this season, so no.

Final scene. The Team is back together in the bunker/lodge/loft/office. An overlay of an edgy indy pop ballad sung by a breathless chanteuse suggests everything is back to normal, but you know IT’S NOT.

One of our leads squints out into the darkness from a high place. The other lead looks on, confused. Or she might have just forgotten her lines.