Insights into the world of divorce and family law matters

July 28, 2012

Life after divorce can be taxing on anyone, especially if you are unsure about how to pick up the pieces. Many things in your life have dramatically changed, aside from your newly single status. It's likely that most of your friends are still married, and you have little or no way of meeting new people.

The first step to moving on after divorce is it to make new friends, especially new girl friends. They most likely will have awesome guy friends that they can then hook you up with. I am a big believer in networking, and from new women come new circles, and more importantly, new men.

After being a professional matchmaker for over 20 years and meeting thousands of women, I've complied the best places to meet new friends.

February 25, 2009

There
is something exhilarating about taking the big leap
from dating to becoming a
permanent "item" and making that final commitment. But before you run
off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose
to commit is the right time -- and with the right person.

As
a
divorce attorney, I have found over the years that most couples who
wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control
issues over what I term the "Big Six." These six categories include:
wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental;
growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear,
both physical and emotional. I ask my clients to take a close look at
each of these categories to determine if there are major conflicts, not
only with his or her chosen mate but also conflicts within
themselves.

Have you found the right
person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your
mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.

1.
How do you believe we should spend our money and on
what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get
to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route
until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term
relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits
happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not
match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining
whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for
a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal
responsibility.

2. What are
your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate
says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not
ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision
off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've
decided against having children." You also need to be honest with
yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You
may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the
children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this
department, there are bound to be serious problems down the
road.

3. If I get sick,
how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off
such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you
should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate
might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a
way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick
with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the
patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let
him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is
only there for the good times?

4.
Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate
quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess
so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your
mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision
those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright
red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should
be thought of as permanent, not temporary.

5.
Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from
your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next
question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could
mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do
you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing
off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that
thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.

6.
Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any
way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well,
yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and
think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a
commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had
similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate
might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or
physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after
you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from
therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior
modification assistance.

7.
Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate
meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or
sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to
approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to
it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your
relationship will last.

8.
How does my mate deal with a "screwup?" Does my mate
place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How
do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve
to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area,
take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are
ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner
blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or
finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.

August 22, 2006

Even though it was a 41-year journey, Linda and Rich Parsons completed the circle, just as their newly exchanged wedding rings symbolized.

It only took about 20 minutes for the Rev. Dave Taylor to introduce the newly married couple following a ceremony Monday in First Congregational United Church of Christ.

The former Decatur residents were first married on the same date, at the same time and in the same place in 1965. For this second wedding, Rich Parsons even had the same best man: John Rea, now of The Dalles, Ore. Linda Parson's matron of honor was longtime friend Terry Claussen of Holdrege, Neb.

This was not a renewal of vows ceremony.

After the couple met at the home of a mutual friend - Rich Parsons was a student at Eisenhower High School, Linda at MacArthur High School - they dated for about 11/2 years.

"We divorced in July 1969," Rich said.

"But we were separated in the summer or fall of 1967," added Linda Parsons.

They drifted apart.

He went to Tampa, Fla., to the University of South Florida and stayed working in Florida as a mechanical engineer for Marin Marietta. He retired in May of this year. He never remarried.

She did remarry, but, "I'm not proud of that move." Linda Parsons worked for Jewel/Eisner in Champaign, then moved to Arkansas, where she owned a gift shop from which she retired.

So how did they reconnect?

Linda Parsons was doing genealogy and happened across information that his father, mother and brother had died.

"I felt like I owed him a phone call."

She initially lost her nerve to call, but the next morning, she said, "I grabbed myself by the boot straps and dialed the number, thinking 'You need to rehearse something.' "

They talked, continued talking, met and made extended visits and knew by the end of the year, they'd hit it off again.

"He asked me to marry him on New Year's Eve, just like he did 40 years ago.

"There's a lot of divine intervention here," said Linda Parsons. "The first time we laid eyes on each other (since 1975) was when he got off the plane.

March 28, 2006

Many self-help books and well-meaning friends and relatives offer this advice to newly divorced friends: Don't marry on the rebound. Don't rush into or commit to a serious relationship prematurely. Wait until you are good and ready.

However, according to new research by Nicholas Wolfinger, associate professor in the University of Utah's Department of Family and Consumer Studies, "There is no relationship between 'the rebound marriage"—that is, a marriage that quickly follows on the heels of the end of another—and divorce. Rebounding into a second marriage is no more or less likely to increase the chance of another divorce than if a person waits a longer period of time.”

Wolfinger, author of Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in Their Own Marriages, published last year, notes that counseling against a rebound marriage, which, he says, “is intuitive” to most people, perpetuates the myth that marriages will end if one or both parties marry soon after a divorce.

“If you rush into a new relationship, others usually interpret it as you are not ready or that you are overly eager or that you haven’t searched long enough for a new partner. He will present his findings this week at the annual meeting of the Population Association of America, in Los Angeles.

For the study, Wolfinger measured new relationship formation from the time the person remarried or started living with someone who eventually became their spouse. “Many second marriages are preceded by cohabitation,” he says. “You can understand the rationale—‘Let’s live together first’ or ‘Let’s not go through the fancy white dress wedding.’

Many factors that put first marriages at risk—lower levels of education and coming from a divorced family—are also challenges the second time around. “Second marriages have a number of additional factors working against them—the difficulties step kids represent as well as the fact that the second marriage is a population that has shown its willingness to get divorced. They have done it once and, in essence, they are willing to do it again,” he says.

Wolfinger says research indicates that many of the disruptions associated with divorce, like residential mobility, take place within a year or two. Much of the clinical literature on divorce, however, Wolfinger notes, “is vague in how long emotional recovery takes. It is safer to say different people recover at different rates,” he says.