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Ireland

February 14th. A day to spend with your significant other, eating overpriced heart shaped ravioli and basking in the glow of a tealight candle in an overcrowded restaurant.

But who says Valentine’s Day can’t be spent rekindling an old, drunken flame?

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve spent the past few summers in Dublin, Ireland. During this time, I went out to countless bars and clubs and met interesting characters along the way. We’ve all been there…it’s a tale as old as time: we go out, we have fun, we meet someone who is engaging, funny, flirty, and…totally drunk. We dance and maybe kiss at one point but we both know it’s not going anywhere, so we exchange numbers as a formality and leave with our respective friends, never to speak to that person again.

Like I’m sure a ton of us do, I now have a contact list FILLED with first names or code names of random guys I’ve met out.

So with a little encouragement from my friend Clare (HEY CLARE!!!) I decided to wish those guys HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! The results were absolutely hilarious.

I sent out 17 happy Valentine’s Day wishes. The first to respond? Someone saved in my phone as “Niall”

I was incredibly surprised he remembered me. It’s been 7 months! He was actually a nice guy and his responses were tame enough so I left the conversation there because moments later I got a text from a contact saved in my phone as “Penguin Erector”

The name behind Penguin Erector is a story itself. But basically, this guy told me he worked the penguin exhibit at the Dublin Zoo. He claimed his job title was Penguin Erector which, according to him, meant he had the duty of picking up the penguins and placing them upright if they fell over.

Was that a lie? Probably.

“Add me on LinkedIn? Xx”

ADD. ME. ON. LINKEDIN? XX????????

First of all, wasn’t aware we were making a professional connection! Second of all, why does a “Penguin Erector” need a LinkedIn?Third of all, someone PLEASE find his “new lady” and send him this post because the Penguin Erector needs to be STOPPED, now.

Needless to say, I left the conversation here…and didn’t add him on LinkedIn.

Up next: Ryan.

Amazing. Amazing stuff.

So not only did Ryan get right back into it and try to woo me back, but he confused me for some other Victoria with “yellow hair and big tits” (FYI Ryan it’s called blonde hair), and THEN he wanted to dive right into the most embarrassing political question an American could receive right now.

Ryan, you’ve outdone yourself. And for that, we salute you.

Up next: Isaac.

Isaac is a goddamn doctor! Quick, someone get this man a goddamn Nobel Prize! He’s just discovered a cure for loneliness! We’re all just one small bum compliment away from never being lonely again. 2016, what a year for science!

______________

Out of the 17 Valentine’s Day messages I sent out, I only got these four conversations in return. But these four conversations exceeded my expectations in every way possible. Man, I miss Ireland.

As for the ones who didn’t reply… Stephen, Jeremy, Cian, Eoin, Connor, and Cormac to name a few… I hope you’re eating heart shaped ravioli, basking in the glow of a tealight in an overcrowded restaurant, and sitting across from a girl you met in Copper’s. Happy Valentine’s Day.