Postpone wedding because of depression?

I am depressed but only recently mustered up the courage to seek professional help. It had to come to a point where I stopped functioning before I gave in and admitted that I am mentally ill. This is not an easy admission to make… 🙁

My FH is always supportive and does everything he can to make me feel better. However, he has a demanding job, works long hours and travels for work often. Hence he isn’t around much. He worries about me like crazy and fears that my illness and wedding planning won’t go well together. I can see where he is coming from. Planning our wedding has been very stressful for me as his family is continuously making it difficult for us, eg. demanding their hotels to get paid for by my family. Their behaviour makes the depression so much worse! 🙁

Some of his family members told FH that he shouldn’t marry me because of my mental illness. He told them where to stick it but I feel so disrespected by them. It makes me want to cry even more… Why would they be so spiteful?

To make matters worse, FH now wants to postpone the wedding. He says he wants me to enjoy the planning and the wedding day but feels I won’t due to my depression. Also, he worries about his own mental health and thinks supporting me through my depression, his demanding & stressful work schedule, wedding planning plus dealing with his unsupportive family will be too much for him and he might break down under the pressure.

I don’t know what to do! Looking forward to get married to this wonderful man was one of the things keeping me going through this tough time. Him wanting to postpone feels like the everything is breaking down around me, that he will never marry me, that his family will eventually talk him into breaking up with “crazy” me and that I am going to lose him. On the other hand, I cannot risk him being unwell because of me and he promises that he wants to marry me no matter what, but just not right now (which I find contradictive). I love him so much!

What can I do, what should I do? Should we postpone the wedding because of this? Has anyone gone to something similar? Was depressed while wedding planning?

I AM going through it. The smallest stressors set my emotions spiraling out of control. The fact that you are seeking professional help is awesome – I comend you for you admission. But girl – you gotta tackle this head on. Talk to your therapist about coping strategies for wedding planning.

Can you just plan something easier, like a small, intimate wedding; maybe something with just close, supportive family and friends? I am going through the same thing and my DH is very supportive. We got married despite it all and there are no regrets. There is no way I could have handled the stress of planning a larger affair. I’m so sorry his family are being jerks; it sounds like they are also giving your fiance a difficult time. *hugs*

@alaha: Hey girl – so sorry this is happening to you, and GOOD for you for seeking treatment! That is the first step toward feeling better.

We went through something similar. My now-husband has gone through periods of depression in the past (every few years), and was experiencing his alltime-worst in the period about 6-8 months before our wedding. It was terrible – he was basically non-functional and simply trying to stay alive.

We decided to go ahead with the wedding planning in the (reasonable) hopes that his treatment options would get him back on his feet in the time before our wedding – which did happen. The wedding was one of the most joyful experiences we’ve ever had, and he is doing about 98% better now and very happily married. Not going to lie, planning a wedding plus supporting a partner was definitely difficult, but we have no regrets.

It wasn’t really an option for us, but could you consider an intimate wedding or an elopement? I agree that it seems hurtful to postpone the wedding, even though he probably just has your happiness and mental health in mind, but downsizing isn’t a bad idea.

Also, unless he’s given you any reason to believe otherwise, I’m sure he is disgusted by his cruel family and their comments. Those doubts you feel are the depression talking – I’m sure this guy loves you and would never break up with you over mental health issues. Hugs to you, and stay the course with treatment to feel better!!

I would agree with the earlier advice and downsize your wedding rather than postpone it. Just have a small ceremony on a beach somewhere with the people who really love both of you. It’s the marriage that is important and not the big wedding. You can have a big party another time.

I’ve been married for over 26 years and it really is the marriage ceremony that is the most important bit of the day.

Keep on with the treatment. Be aware that things will get better. It won’t feel like it for a while but you will get there. Make sure you go for a walk every day. Ask a friend to go with you.

Thank you so much for your replies! It really means a lot. The wedding is already a fairly small affair in a civil court with only family and very few friends invited, less than 30 guests. 🙁 We had originally planned for a big church wedding and already pushed that down the road, wanting to celebrate “bigger” in two years with more planning time ahead. The civil court ceremony is in about 6 months time but we would need to finalise bookings end of this week. Also, tell a few guests not to book flights… 🙁

That is why it is even more hurtful that he still wants to postpone nevertheless… But he worries about his own mental health and fears he won’t be strong enough to go through with all what is happening with me, work and his family. I cannot argue with that because I fear “pushing” him to go through with a wedding when he clearly says he cannot take it right now, would be wrong.

To make matters worse, when he told me that he wanted definitely to postpone, I gave him my engagement ring, wanting him to figure out if he still wants to marry me and return it to me when he makes up his mind. Last night he came home, acting weird and distracted. When in bed he started crying, I have never seen him cry like that. First I thought he was breaking up with me but fortunately no.

HE HAS LOST MY RING!

He is besides himself, cannot believe it happened, says it was in his pocket all day and then all of a sudden – GONE! :'( I don’t care that much about the ring, it’s a piece of metal in the end of it but it is also a piece of metal representing that we were going to get married. And its the most expensive thing I own plus its not insured…And it has so much sentimental value to us. He backtracked all his steps from this day but couldn’t find it. He says he will get a new one but he is so heartbroken about this, beating himself up about it… 🙁 I just want us to be good again… 🙁

He changed his mind and wanted to go ahead with the wedding up until yesterday… This rollercoaster really does my head in… I just dont understand why he keeps on changing his mind on this, gets my hopes up just to crash them again. I feel so lost…

Definitely postpone your wedding day. Work on yourself first, it sounds like you’re leaning on your FI to feel kinda stable and he’s already started to crack under that pressure (telling you he’s worried about his mental health, losing the ring, wavering bw postponing and not…). His request to postpone the wedding under these circumstances are not unreasonable.

Hopefully after a while in therapy you’ll feel better about yourself and will be able to start working on your relationship.

Once you’ve worked on yourself and then the relationship you’ll be ready to startplanning your wedding again. It really isn’t a question about enjoying the process (although that would be incredible), but a question about your mental HEALTH. If this was a question of a physical health issue you might see it differently (diabetes, cancer, surgeries, etc) and you’d see how the situation is a no-brainer. Please keep up with your treatment and get to a healthier “headspace” before worrying about your wedding day.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but I’d be more concerned about his unwillingness to help you work through your depression and the stuff that happens in life. You can’t always postpone things just because things are hard or difficult. For example: God forbid if you develop postpartum depression that doesn’t stop the fact that the kid needs the diaper changed, to eat, etc. Hopefully you both can get some counseling to help him understand depression better.

As someone who knows where your coming from and has some OCD for good measure I’m having an all inclusive cruise wedding. All I had to do was pick the package and everything else is taken care of. That’s how I’m mitigating the stress.

My suggestion to you is once he gets back on board. Have the wedding that y’all want even if it’s just you two and the minister. The other people are just gravy. Those who want to be there will find a way and those who can’t won’t. Don’t let his family or your family dictate what works for y’all.