Most women who have children and jobs have experienced some anxiety at some point that they are neglecting one or the other or both. The situation is not helped by crude archetypes in the media of 'working mums' (as if looking after young children isn't work), 'stay-at-home mums' (as if women with jobs are never at home) and 'supermum' - the mythological figure who does it all.

Research from Cambridge University published last week grabbed headlines with the observation that the numbers of women who felt that holding down a job takes a toll on family life has risen by a fraction in the last decade. There followed much opining on whether or not women were abandoning the ambition to combine motherhood and work, 'choosing' instead 'traditional roles'.

That debate hardly reflects women's actual experience, as a round table discussion in today's Observer shows. In reality, many women have no choice, and the 'tradition' of women dedicating themselves to childcare is a modern lifestyle available to a wealthy few.

Meanwhile, politicians are sending out mixed messages. Labour wants to help poor mothers look after young children through Sure Start, while proposing welfare reforms to get them off benefits and into work. The Tories are divided over whether they should be helping mothers work more flexible hours or giving them tax breaks to stay at home.

Modern parenthood involves painful sacrifices - in time spent with children or money earned to pay bills. The dilemmas weigh on fathers as well as mothers.

Politicians have two jobs in this respect. First, to find the policies that will furnish all parents with real choices in how they balance work and family life. Second, not to patronise them by suggesting one path is always better than the other.