Menu

Monthly Archives: January 2012

so, I go in tomorrow to find out if I still have a cyst on my ovary. I’m pretty sure that it’s still there, considering that I still have pain. I just want to know where we go from there. I have read that sometimes they have to preform surgery. I’m hopeful that is not the case, but I also don’t want to have to go in for multiple visits to “keep an eye on it”. Well after my appointment tomorrow I will have to wait about a week to find out.

I suppose it really isn’t a big deal. I do have to say that I am tired of being diagnosed with things that I just have to deal with. There isn’t anything to help or make arthritis better aside from ibuprophen, even that is only temporary. There isn’t much I can do about the chronic sinus infection I have on my left side.

I’ m working on having a more positive out look on things. I want to feel better and stop having things run me down. Most of the time I feel that I am too young to have this many problems. Once again, things could be worse. I do know quite a bit of people who suffer more than I do.

I do, however, want to feel better. Not to have to tell my child I can’t really play today because I am in pain would be awesome. Those are not the cards I was dealt. Once again, I must suck it up and move on. I will move on, but for the moment I am sad. Tomorrow will be a better day, and hopefully i will get good news in about a week.

I posted a blog yesterday, and again today. Is it something new? We will see. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and reorganizing my life. I miss writing in a journal and putting my thoughts down. I will not claim to be a writer, because I am not. But if you have chosen to read this along with yesterday’s post, you have chosen to take this journey with me.

I will try my best not to focus on the negative, that is one of the goals I aim for. I wish to grow and learn things about myself and others. Most of all I need to rid myself of the demons rattling inside my head, and I also love creative outlets. That being said, let me give you insight into the journey we will go on.

So the last half of 2011 was a total crap shoot. It was seriously dragging me down. Withdrawing inside myself, I had a hard time seeing the world outside. I won’t go into details here, but trust me I had all the regular problems: family, car, and social. I also had a not so regular problem of my apartment flooding with sewage. Normally i would let all these things drag me into deep dark hole where everyone around me suffered.

Well, one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. Learning from these experiences and moving on is what life is about. I still have a life to live and people to live for. Life has had a way of shitting me and I don’t expect that to change. So, if that isn’t going to change, then I need to. It’s strange for me to have a hopeful out look on life, but I think I like it. I’m no longer going to feel guilt or sorrow for things I cannot change. I want to focus on what I can change. Besides, the way I look at it, things could be way worse. My child is happy and healthy, I have a place to live and food to eat. There are many out there who don’t have any of that. I also have a loving husband who has stood by me through all of my insanity, and that says a lot. He lets me lean on him so much that at times I feel it’s unfair. Many don’t have anyone to turn to. These are the things I think of when things start to suck the life out of me. I really don’t have much to be sad about, and the things I am sad about, I will do what I can to change them.

Enjoy this journey with me, and if you get bored, don’t read it anymore. It’s that easy to change things you don’t like.

“Most people think, “Life sucks, and then you die.” I disagree. I think life sucks, then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission. You look good you feel good, you’re going great, and all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can’t move your right side. And one day you step off the curb at 68th by Lincoln Center and bang, you get hit by a bus. And then, maybe, you die.” ~Dr. Denis Leary

“Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend.”– Albert Camus (also attributed to Maimonidies)

This is a year that I think i will make new friends or solidify old friendships. I feel that too many people don’t truly understand me, and it has brought a sadness into my heart. I’m too old and too tired to feel guilty for things I should not. I aslo can not play the passive aggressive game, that is not me. I need to try harder to make the friendships I want last. New friends are always welcome, yet I lack action. Things need to change, in my heart and in my life. The only way they will change is if I decide to change them. It’s going to be a hard road, but I don’t want to feel lonely and misunderstood.

I married the person who understands me most. There must be others out there like that, but he often feels misunderstood as well.

Change has been going on for years, yet I feel sometimes people still see me as someone I was and not someone I am. There will be more change to come. I will make it so. I will make myself happy. I can no longer feel this way, and I’m tired of being called crazy for expressing my feelings , no matter how silly.