How to Survive

'How to Survive' is a film review podcast with a twist. The discussion centres around one key question: 'How would you survive in this movie?'
Each episode centres around one classic movie. Often, they are horror movies, but there are also lots of thrillers, action movies, adventure movies and the occasional romantic drama for good measure.
If you've ever rolled your eyes when the victim goes outside alone; tutted when the killer returns from the dead; or shouted 'DON'T GO IN THERE!', this is the podcast for you.
If you have ideas on How to Survive, or recommendations for films we should consider, send them over to: HowToSurviveShow@Gmail.com

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It's episode 124...and I will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Wonder Woman (2017) tells the origin story of Diana Prince, Amazonian Princess of Themyscira and superhero also known as (unsurprisingly) Wonder Woman. When a super spy from some Great War lands on her shores she's sure she can stop the fighting simply by killing her nemesis Ares - but has she underestimated the cruelty of man?

We round off 2017 with a female-led cinematic success story, address the clanging World War One-shaped elephant in the DC Comics-shaped room and wonder if it's wise to teach your enemy about their greatest power. All this as we finally cover a superhero film on the podcast. It only took 124 episodes!

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can not stand by while innocent lives are lost!

Happy Boxing Day! What better way to celebrate than by watching a film with an increasingly tenuous link to the festive period?

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) reintroduces us to plucky cop John McClane, who is at the airport awaiting the arrival of his wife for the festive period. But oh no! A nefarious terrorist group are staging a mission with evil intent at the very same airport! On Christmas Eve! Of all the bad luck.

We pull the cracker on this mediocre sequel, question whether it's a good idea to fire a machine gun in a crowded police station (blanks or otherwise) and our hearts grow ever fonder of the sadly absent Alan Rickman.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You are just in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

It's Christmas! Here is the first of 2017's How to Survive Christmas Specials

Home Alone 3 tells the story of Alex, a young boy who becomes stricken with chickenpox. Alex's parents leave him home alone, which is unfortunate as his neighbourhood is under attack from four spies hired by the North Korean government to steal a missile chip from the US Air Force.

We talk about the least appropriate children's movie villains in living memory; the least interesting and relatable protagonist in living memory; and we discuss of a set of injuries which would have Joe Pesci spinning in his grave (if he was dead...)

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there.

It's nearly Christmas and that can only mean one thing - Disney have started up the Star Wars machine and churned out another episode of our favourite far, far away franchise. Set your phasers to lightspeed!

Rian Johnson's The Last Jedi (2017) finds us once again following Rey, Finn, Poe, Ren and Luke, as well as some characters with more than one syllable in their names, as they venture across the galaxy to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and to boldly go where no Star Wars has gone before.

We pick apart every controversy, plot twist and fanboy meltdown, eulogise over Adam Driver, suggest a change in tact for TIE fighters, and Joe once again manages to crowbar in some discussion of his veganism for good measure.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we are the spark, that will light the fire, that will start the blaze, that will ignite the inferno, that will heat the coals, that will generate the heat, that will fan the flames that will burn the First Order down.

It's episode 122...and I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) tells the story of a trio of bandits in search for buried gold, complete with all the betrayals, standoffs and shootouts you'd expect from the Wild West. Clint Eastwood starring as the enigmatic Blondie in what is undoubtedly one of the great Western cinematic epics, but will it be the Good, the Bad or the Ugly who wins the day, and the treasure? Only one way to find out...

We tackle perhaps the greatest villain introduction in cinematic history, draw our pistols on idiotic gun shop owners and Joe, a politically-motivated vegan, spends a full 10 minutes trying to a way to advocate torturing a man for information. No, really.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass.

True Grit (2010) tells the story of Mattie Ross, a precocious 14-year old farm girl who sets out to avenge her father's death with the help of cantankerous drunkard Rooster Cogburn and cantankerous teetotaler LaBoeuf. Together the trio trek across the Old West in search of justice, cornbread and - above all else - a coward by the name of Tom Chaney.

We consider the Coens, debate the Deakins, field the question of field amputations and ask ourselves if it's better to be a coward than a cowboy, all while discussing Joe's favourite film of all time.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You must pay for everything in this world, one way or another.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) takes us back to the 1980s to find out the fascinating backstory of Katie, Kristi and Toby the pesky poltergeist, all shot in crisp late-noughties HD footage! When the furniture starts flying, there's only one solution...film it all for posterity!

We tackle the usual plot twists and contrivances, ask ourselves if a Witches' Coven is too covenient, and wax lyrical about the creative use of rotating fans.

All of which leads to one question...How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if you saw me talking to somebody, it would be Toby.

It's episode 119...and I knew before you told me that you've got an American flag in your home. You've probably got more than one.

Brawl in Cell Block 99 (2017) tells the story of Bradley, a drug runner caught in the crossfire between his job, his morals and his family. Sent to prison, needless to say things go badly for baldy Bradley.

We talk about how far it's worth pushing your moral code, phoning friends and the importance of neck exercises when facing up against Vince Vaughn's hulking physique.

It's episode 118... and if you send one of ours to the hospital, we'll send one of yours to the morgue...

The Untouchables (1987) tells the story of the task force charged with bringing down Chicago crime boss, Al Capone. Elliot Ness and his men have to fight fire with fire, and bring down the kingpin who has left every member of the city living in continual fear of violence.

We talk about the merits of decriminalising banned substances; the safety concerns associated with standard-issue police weapons; and the benefits of doing things quite literally by the book..

The Boy (2016) tells the story of Greta, an American who moves to the English countryside to work as a nanny for a wealthy couple. The couple leave on holiday, but not before revealing that the child Greta will be looking after is actually a doll with a porcelain head.

No, really...

We talk about the dangers of mollycoddling; the benefits of seeking protection from an institutional agency set up to protect you; and the minutia of logistics for taxi drivers around the UK.

Jigsaw (2017) tells the story of a group of people who become trapped in contrived torture devices as punishment for sins they're perceived to have committed. The person behind it appears to be John Kramer - but he's been dead for ten years - so is he back from the dead? Or is someone else behind it? There's only one way to find out.

We talk about the dangers of being a police officer in Jigsawville; the merits of collaborating with a serial killer; with twists you'll never see coming...

The Saw franchise is one of the most successful series of horror movies in cinematic history, and with Jigsaw (2017) in cinemas now, Chris and Joe felt it was finally time to tackle John Kramer's sinister games - all in one sitting.

In this special bonus episode Chris and Joe talk through their experience of watching through all 7 Saw movies for the first How to Survive video podcast. Though they talk through all the traps, twists and tantrums in the 11-hour long ordeal, there's really no replacement for watching the full video at HowtoSurviveShow.com

Creep (2014) tells the story of Aaron, a freelance videographer who is hired by the mysterious Joseph to film a secret video at Joseph's wilderness retreat. Before long, Aaron begins to realise Joseph really is a 'creep' - but will he be able to escape the danger he's in before it's too late?

We talk about the merits of clear communication with the emergency services; the appropriate way to behave when in charge of an automobile; and we confront maybe the worst police we've come across in any movie yet.

Gerald's Game (2017) tells the story of Jessie, who travels to a rural retreat with her husband, Gerald. Once there, they engage in some light bondage, and Jessie is handcuffed to the bed, but after a quarrel, Gerald drops dead! Now chained to the bed, Jessie seems to be stuck with no hope of rescue. How will she survive?

We talk about the importance of not wasting valuable resources in a survival situation; the limitations of virtual assistants; and the general importance of making good on any escape plan.

It's episode 113... and clear your minds. It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don't give it any help, it knows too much already.step into the light!

Poltergeist (1982) tells the story of the Freeling family. The Freelings live a peaceful suburban existence, until one day, their daughter is sucked into the walls of the house, and trapped in a netherworld where the only way to contact her is through the TV. What's really going on? And will her family get her back?

We talk about the importance of not leaving vulnerable people alone during natural disasters; the benefits of securing a comfortable landing when falling from the ceiling; and we enjoy a tense debate about the ins and outs of tree preservation.

IT (2017) tells the story of a group of teenage friends in the town of Derry. A number of children in the town disappear, and our heroes race to uncover the truth before it's too late. (All while fighting for their lives against an evil dancing clown...)

We talk about the importance of not leaving severely damning evidence when reporting crimes; the benefits of becoming a teenage runaway; and the risks of attacking your victims in broad daylight in open spaces.

Friday the 13th (2009) is a reboot which tells the story of a group of teenagers who spend the night around Camp Crystal Lake and get picked off one by one. The perpetrator? Jason Voorhees (which actually makes this a reboot of Friday the 13th: Part 2...)

We talk about the importance of recognising your own tolerance for parties; the benefits of sensible gun handling; and we finally say goodbye to our arch nemesis (until the next inevitable remake...).

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

People go missing around here, they're gone for good. Outsiders come, they don't know where to walk. They bring trouble. We just want to be left alone. And so does he.

It's episode 110... and I don't know if the house is haunted, but I hope it is.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) tells the story of the Rey family. Shortly after the birth of their new son, the Reys begin experiencing strange goings-on in their home. All signs point to a haunting - and when the main characters from the first film show up you know there's going to be trouble...

We talk about the importance of sharing critical information about hauntings with similarly afflicted family members; as well as the hysterical idolatry of a mostly forgettable horror movie victim, and more!

It's episode 109... and we may be a podcast, but we're not a f*cking podcast.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) tells the story of two brothers, Seth and Richie, who get into a bad situation when they kidnap a family on a road trip and escape to Mexico They head to a bar for the night, but all is not what it seems with the bar's staff and patrons

We hash out optimal business hours for mythical creatures; the importance of keeping your promises; and more!

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they all run faster than you do

Let the Right One In (2008) tells the story of Oskar, a young boy who is bullied at school, and makes friends with his new neighbour, Eli. They form a tight bond, but all is not as it seems with Eli, and why does she only come out at night?

We address the logistics of harvesting blood from members of the public; the poor economy of helping a mythical creature feed; and the benefits of travelling in the dead of night.

The Wicker Man (1973) tells the story of Sgt. Howie of the Scottish constabulary. Howie is sent to the remote Hebredian island of Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. What he finds is a town devoted to pagan rituals, but could something more sinister be brewing under the surface? (The answer is yes).

We discuss the importance of not drinking on the job; the lethal risks of a life of chastity; and the merits of a strong negotiation strategy when dealing with cult leaders.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

Take a seat. I believe it is better to receive a shock with the knees bent.

Rosemary's Baby (1968) tells the story of Rosemary, a young woman who falls pregnant after moving into a new home. But the pregnancy is fraught with unusual side-effects, and her creepy neighbours won't leave her alone.

We discuss the importance of supervising the preparation of your food; the limitations of hiding in plane sight; and when all is said and done, why not just go with it?

The Conjuring (2013) tells the story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who are called upon to help the Perron Family. The Perrons have just moved into a new home, and all signs (from dead animals to suspicious bruising) seem to point to a haunting!

We discuss the importance of calling upon law enforcement in times of need; the risks of keeping dangerous objects in a house with a child; and the importance of thorough research when planning to buy a home.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

Diabolical forces are formidable. These forces are eternal, and they exist today. The fairy tale is true. The devil exists. God exists. And for us, as people, our very destiny hinges upon which one we elect to follow.

Jurassic Park (1993) tells the story of Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler, two paleontologists (well, one paleontologist and one paleobotanist...) who are summoned to a new theme park to make sure it is safe for visitors. The theme at the park is 'dinosaurs', and the park's owner, John Hammond has been able to clone real dinosaurs from their blood, preserved in amber.

Before long, the park's systems fail, and it becomes a classic case of man vs. The Cloneasaurus Rex.

We discuss what it means to spare no expense; the importance of finding the right man for the job; and the dangers of stopping halfway when it comes to genetic design.