Mom needs to develop a backbone where daughter is concerned

Crystal Hatfield Published: July 12, 2006 12:00 AM

DEAR AMY: I am the mother of a 17-year-old daughter who just finished her junior year of high school. She is a wonderful kid, a straight-A student, plays in the school band, will be captain of the chess team and is helpful and friendly around the house.She and I have a good relationship, and she always has told me about what is going on with her and her friends.Last month she slept over at a friends house, and the next day she came home and told me she had tried drinking for the first time. Shed had three beers, got quite tipsy, had fun and had no ill effects the next morning. She also told me it had been fun, and she planned to repeat the experience occasionally always being responsible about not driving and always being with people whom she trusted.This evening, heading out to a friends house, she told me shed be drinking again and staying at the friends house.Amy, I dont know how to react to this. Id prefer she didnt drink, but I am glad she is telling me.Her friends parents dont know, and if I told them and we forbid any drinking, I feel sure the kids would just go underground with it and not tell us. I appreciate my daughters honesty with me, but Im not sure how to handle this.What do you think? Can teens handle occasional drinking? Want To Do RightDEAR WANT: Perhaps you really are ambivalent about this, but I cant imagine why. Alcohol is a toxic substance that is potentially dangerous, addictive and is illegal for people her age.Your daughter has chosen to talk to you about this, so now you should continue the conversation. Ask her questions about drinking, stay calm and listen to what she says.Then its your turn. Unless you really do want to sanction your daughters drinking, you need to develop a backbone.If my own delightful 17-year-old announced to me she was going to her friends house for some laid-back drinking, I would reply she would be welcome to do so after she stepped over my dead body, which I would position carefully across the threshold.If I suspected she was engaging in this behavior at a friends house, I would consider going to that friends house to retrieve her and speak to the parents. (My daughter leaves the house knowing that, though I trust her, I do worry about her. Though I havent done it yet, I am capable of being one of those appalling parents who show up unannounced.)Any parents who serve alcohol to underage drinkers or who allow drinking in their home should be spanked. If these parents dont know this is going on in their home, then they need to be informed.I know your daughter is a good kid and you dont want to alienate her. Your relationship will survive your being a strong parent at this time when she needs you the most.DEAR AMY: I understand the futility of telling other parents how to be parents, but this is a plea. Today, while filling up at the gas station, I saw a woman park her SUV in the adjacent parking lot and walk the 50 or so feet over to the pump island attendants, asking for a towel, as she apparently had just spilled a drink in her car and on her outfit. She was away from her vehicle for about 2-3 minutes. This is a very busy gas station, at a high-traffic off-ramp.She left her drivers side door wide open, and her 9- or 10-year-old daughter in the back seat.Would she leave her purse, cell phone or camera out in the open in her car at a busy gas station with the doors unlocked and one door wide open, as she walked away for a few minutes? What value is she placing on her child, and how many seconds does she think it takes someone to steal a car? Concerned Parent in PortlandDEAR CONCERNED PARENT: If I thought it was futile to try to help parents be better parents, then Id take off for the extended beach vacation Ive been dreaming of.Sometimes we learn from the mistakes of others. I assume every parent who reads your letter will think long and hard before being so careless with his or her most precious cargo.DEAR AMY: I read in your column where you made a crack about Donald Trump.Your response was, Melania wasnt smart enough to avoid becoming the third Mrs. Trump, however.Why such a callous answer?There are a lot of women who would like to be in Melanias shoes!Heck, Im a man and would love to be Donalds fourth wife for a short period of time in order to get a piece of his fortune! AlanDEAR ALAN: If you are a patient and leggy blond, I think you probably have a shot at it.(C) The Chicago Tribunen Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.