A very smart new building has been
constructed at the end of my soi. As so often, in the early phase it
seemed like the whole building was going to be up and finished within a
couple of weeks, but then progress seemed to grind to a standstill, and
it was about six more months before it finally was completed.
The problem was that I had no idea what it
was. A single sign displayed the name. But there was no
other signage whatsoever to indicate its purpose.

But then a clue arrived in my letterbox. The local residents'
committee had sent round a letter complaining about this new building,
and the inappropriate, obscene services provided within its walls.
At the bottom were two boxes with captions:

1. I strongly disapprove of this nefarious establishment being
situated near a residential area occupied by families, in breach of
building regulations, and I demand that it be closed.

2. I approve of this establishment, I intend to visit frequently,
avail myself of every obscene service they provide (and maybe teach them
some new ones), and acknowledge that I am a pervert of the most
dangerous variety who should be spurned and given dirty looks whenever
passed in the neighborhood, even by those who haven't heard from the
security guards about the times late at night that I come home drunk
with girls young enough to be my granddaughters.

I didn't return the form.

But it did make me even more curious.

I suppose it should have been obvious that something exciting was
going on inside this strange building, because it was constructed with
no windows. When a building is designed with no windows, it is a
dead giveaway that something terribly exciting must be going on inside.

a. It must be so exciting and secret that they don't want anyone
peering in. b. Whatever is going on inside must present such a
wonderful view that it is inconceivable that anyone would ever want to
look out of a window.

You might ask why I didn't rush there immediately to research this
new establishment for the education of Dean Barrett's readers.

Two things held me back. Firstly it was so close to my house
that it would be absolutely impossible to get in unseen by my neighbours,
security guards, somtam sellers, road sweepers or any other of the
locals who consider it part of their occupation to act as unpaid spy for
my girlfriend. It is unwise to fulfill one's secret fantasies twenty
yards from your front door. Secondly, I am a shy fellow, and am always a
little shy to enter a place for the first time and ask the questions
that one needs answered. What happens here? How much is it?Do they give
BBBJs? Do you have to tip?

This is vital information. Imagine if one got the wrong idea, and
asked for something horribly inappropriate. What if I availed
myself of all the services and on receipt of the bill did not have
enough money? It would be somewhat embarrassing to be thrown out,
my trousers around my ankles, in full view of my neighbors. So I
didn't go in. But I was still curious. About a week later I was telling
a Thai male friend about this mysterious new establishment, and by good
fortune he was an expert in such matters, and had in fact been there
only a few nights previously, and he told me that it was a Kapoo Club.

It never ceases to amaze me how many variations the Thais manage to
find for ways to sell and package nookie. But this was a new one to me.
Apparently, these establishments have become very popular with Thai men
recently. They offer what we farang might refer to as a 'rub and a tug',
or as it is sometimes more politely known - an 'oil massage'. In
these times of economic hardship, Thai men have had to make cutbacks in
their nookie budget, and the kapoo clubs have filled a gap in the
market. For something around 1000 Baht, one can be relieved of one's
sexual tension. One generally picks the lady from a photo in a book.
Many of the girls are students and quite pretty, and since no actual sex
takes place, they can earn lots of money, and still consider themselves
'good' girls.

Of course if you pay extra, a lot of the girls will take off their
tops and or bottoms whilst performing the massage, but again no actual
sex takes place, so they are still 'good' girls. Just so you understand.
And in fact you can sometimes pay even more for two girls who will both
take off their tops and bottoms and slip and slide in extraordinary ways
all over the place, and both of them, of course, are 'good' girls.
Being a 'good' girl is very important. These girls would not dream of
doing anything so 'bad' as dancing on a stage scantily clad. Just so you
understand.

Only one question remained. Why 'kapoo'?

I was convinced that its origin was onomatopoeic. I imagine that if
there were ever a comic book scene of Batman being jerked off by a Thai
college girl, the moment of ejaculation might well be captioned - 'KAPOO!'
However, it turns out that it is a play on the words Kajoo and Kapok
(penis and testicles).

I read a review of one of the 'kapoo clubs' online by a farang who
had ventured inside one of these places without fully understanding the
rules. He was horrified that the girl wouldn't have sex with him,
outraged that she would not fellate him, and infuriated by the fact that
she wanted extra money to take her top off. He evidently had no idea
that these were 'good' girls.

A final note on this subject:

I have spoken to many Western men for whom the concept of paying for
a girl to bring you to climax by using her hands seems somehow wasteful,
unnecessary, and generally a poor substitute for other methods of sexual
interaction. However, my recent research has revealed that a
well-trained practitioner can bring you to levels of pleasure that maybe
you had never imagined possible. Also the Thai economy really does need
help, and there are a lot of poor students who need financial
assistance, so while indeed it is true that one does not theoretically
need a second pair of hands to engage in this activity, you'll find that
they can do it so much better, and you can feel good about your
contribution to the Thai economy and educational system.

This has been a special report from one of
Dean Barrett's men on the street. 'We do the dirty jobs, so you don't
have to'.