Sometimes the loneliness gets to you...
I haven’t been “alone”, so to speak, in a little over 4 years.
I’m not sure who I am anymore...

I think I lost myself a long time ago.
It started the first time you said I was too goofy.
I don’t think I knew at the time, that that would be the beginning of loss.

I’ve been stuck in a box that I created for myself-
And simultaneously for you.
I learned to love you, because you loved me...
You were never taught what true love is,
And I didn’t love myself enough to not let you define it for me.

I don’t blame you though.
You’re a good person.
You really are.
I do love you... but I don’t know if this is what’s best for us right now.

At one point, I saw us married with kids.
I imagined us living in Arizona,
Only visiting family every now and then in the Bay...
But it’s all a distant memory.
A memory that I mourned the death of.

I’ve not been the same ever since you cheated on me.
Even though we’d taken a break, we were still together-
we still hugged, we still kissed, we still said ‘I love you’,
But then I looked at your phone.
For the first time in a very long time, I peeked,
In response to the gut feeling I had.
And then, months later, when you were giving time of day to a girl who you knew liked you...
M

Like I said, I’ve not been the same.
Ever since then, my thoughts were consumed by the idea of you with anyone else.
It’s literal agony and torture.

This has been the first week in 7 months, that I haven’t been consumed with the fear of your infidelity.

Though you weigh heavily in my heart, I can’t let myself fall into this dysfunctional cycle of stop and go, yes and no.

It scares me to be without you... but not more than it scares me to be without myself.