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Thursday, 17 March 2011

I received a phone call today that went something like this. I've had these before, but this time I had some spare time to play. This is the best I can remember, the real phone call went on for nearly 15 minutes, and there was a lot more going around in circles!

Me: Hello?(Indian) Voice: Good afternoon sir, may I speak with Mr Bootchernaan? [those who know me will recognise my name in there somewhere!]Me: What about?Voice: I am calling from Microsoft, and we have detected that your computer is infected with viruses from the information it is sending to usMe: really?Voice: yes sir, you computer is infected with viruses and trojans and ...Me: how do you know this?Voice: your computer sends us information...Me: How?Voice: From the applications installed on Microsoft WindowsMe: Windows? Are you sure?Voice: Yes sir, your computer sends us logs and it is infected with viruses and trojans and you need to...Me: Hang on, I'm not running WindowsVoice: What are you running?Me: You tell me, my computer contacted you.Voice: [pause] I know that you have a Mac.Me: Do you?Voice: Yes sir, you have a Mac.Me: Are you sure?Voice: Yes sir, I am sure.Me: Are you 100% sure?Voice: What are you running?Me: You tell me, my computer is contacting you so you should know what I am runningVoice: Your computer is infected.Me: How do you know?

Voice: [notice the change of tack here] Because I installed viruses on it.Me: How?Voice: I hacked into it.Me: You hacked in? [never heard that one before!]Voice: Yes sir, I hacked into your system.Me: oRly? [one eyebrow up] How did you get passed my firewall?Voice: [pause] Hackers can get passed any firewall and into any system.Me: You hacked into my system?Voice: yes.Me: How? What did you install?Voice: I installed a virus.Me: On windows?Voice: Yes.Me: I'm not running windows, or MacVoice: You said you were running Mac.Me: No you said I was running Mac.Voice: No, I said I know you have a Mac, not that you are running Mac.Me: Right. [struggling to contain the laughter]. What country are you calling from?Voice: Melbourne.Me: No you're not, what country are you calling from?Voice: Victoria [pause] Australia.Me: No seriously, where are you calling from? I know you're not in Australia.Voice: I have an Indian accent, but I am working in Melbourne.Me: Who for?Voice: Pharmacy.Me: What Pharmacy.

Voice: [change of tack #2] Do you want to buy some [mumbled]Me: I beg your pardon?Voice: Do you want to buy some condoms?Me: [can't contain the laughter anymore] no thanks, I'm right [damn why couldn't I think of something funnier!]Voice: Would you like to buy some [the little blue pill, to keep away the searches I'll refer to it as V.]?Me: No thanks! I don't need it.Voice: It will help you be more satisfied.Me: I hope I don't need to use it for at least 30 yearsVoice: [pause] 30 years? Did you know men as young as 18 use V?Me: No, I find that hard to believe.Voice: [pause - I think he's running out of things to say]Me: What's a computer company doing selling condoms and V?Voice: Forget about the computer, I'm not talking about the computer anymore.Me: But you were talking about computers. If I believed you, how you change the topic to a Pharmacy?Voice: I said I am not talking about the computer anymore.Me: Yes, but you were 5 minutes ago. What if I believed you, how would you sell me something? [I assume by directing me to a website that installs nastyware!]Voice: We just do that to get your attention, we say anything that might get your attention.Me: Right, so tell me really, where are you calling from?Voice: I am calling from MelbourneMe: No you're not. I know you're not in Australia.Voice: Yes, we use skype [probably referring to the "overseas" message on Caller ID]Me: So what company in Melbourne?Voice: Pharmacy.Me: [what, there's only one?] What's the name?Voice: [mumble]Me: I beg your pardon? Could you spell that?Voice: A-P-O-L-L-OMe: Oh, Apollo. So if you're really from a company in Melbourne, you would have a registered business number. What's your ABN?Voice: [pause] 03 [pause] 9018 2436 [sounds like a phone number! I put it into the ABN search but of course it's a fake]

[ok that's as much lies as I want to hear, time to ask some better questions]

Me: So why do you do this? Do you get paid well or just a little bit?Voice: The pay is good.Me: Are you paid per hour, or on commission?Voice: On commission.Me: Then why haven't you hung up on me? Are you not allowed to hang up?Voice: You can hang up.Me: I know I can hang up, why don't you hang up? Voice: [something about buying condoms again]Me: seriously, why don't you get a job in a Dell call centre or for some company that does some real technical support? Voice: We just make the calls we are told to make by our boss.Me: Don't you think it's bad karma? Voice: No, we're not doing anything illegal. The company is based in the US, and the call centre is here in... [I swear I could hear him think "India"] Australia. We just do the job we're told to.Me: Why? Why don't you work somewhere else? Voice: They pay is very good, it helps support my family [who knows how true that is!]

[this was reaching the 15 minute mark, and I had kids to attend to so I had to go]Me: Well, I'm sorry but I have to go. Voice: OK sir.Me: I hope you'll think about where you're working. Voice: I will, sir. [yeah right]Me: Bye.Voice: Bye.

And that was it. I would have gone longer but I had to watch the kids. I don't really care if he thinks about it or not, but it was a bit of fun. Especially to hear him struggle when I pushed for details about my computer.

The sad thing is, so many people would be taken in by those first few lines...