I never would have guessed I would have had even one miscarriage,
much less four in four years . My health has always been excellent, my energy
high, and my periods every 28 days without fail. I always thought I would know
if it were right for me to have a child, and that, if it were, "the right man"
would appear. I used birth control impeccably in the meantime because I had an
intuitive feeling that I could get pregnant very easily.` In my late thirties I
did meet "the right man" and, though we still didn't feel having children was a
prerequisite to our happiness, we were open to the possibility. I became
pregnant a year and a half after Bob and I married. We were very excited, and
assumed that the pregnancy would turn out fine. We were shocked when I
miscarried at 12 weeks. It was the first time in my life that my body hadn't
done pretty much what I wanted it to. I was surprised at how much more
attached I was to having a child once I was pregnant. I was also amazed at how
painful my miscarrage was. I decided to let nature take its course rather than
have a D and C. As soon as I passed the fetus, the pain subsided, as did the
bleeding a week or two later. The day after the miscarriage, I saw a patient
who was pregnant and wanted an abortion and saw quite vividly that we each get
just those experiences that we need what we need, though not always what we
think we need. Strangely, right aroung the time of the miscarriage, we
had several mechanical failures at home. Within the space of a week, the sump
pump on the septic tank failed (requiring my plants to be dug up and the tank
drained), the freezer failed and defrosted all of my frozen produce. Around the
same time, the wash machine hose disconnected itself and flooded our finished
basement. Some friends were very nurturing, while others didn't know what to
say or told us having children would be a hindrance, anyway, to our spiritual
growth. It took me about six months to recover, physically and emotionally,
from the miscarriage. I read that one out of every five pregnancies, and maybe
even more, do end in miscarriage. So the odds were still in my favor.

I got pregnant again about seven months later. The pregnancy went well, or
so it seemed. I reached l4 weeks without complications. We had planned a trip
to Maui to relax. I figured, since I was past the first trimester, there was
nothing to worry about. I didn't lift any suitcases and passed up a raft trip,
which seemed too vigorous. We went for a hike in the volcanic crater of
Haleakala , immediately after which I started to spot again. The day we flew
back to Seattle, I started to cramp, went in for an ultrasound, and was told
the fetus had died three to four weeks before. This time I decided on a D and C
to have the fetus removed. The day I returned to my practice this time, I saw a
9 month old child with Down's syndrome, which gave me much food for thought.
This time, even though I had a D and C, it still took four to six months to
get my body back, more or less, to its pre-pregnant state.

During this time, we had discussed the miscarriages with our two main
spiritual teachers, Ammachi and Baba Hari Dass, in addition to consulting
astrologers, psychics, and health professionals and being blessed by many
people in many places. We had communicated with the soul of the fetus both
times and felt very connected with it. By this time, I had gotten tired of
taking my temperature every day and planning sex according to my fertile times.
I had a very powerful experience with Ammachi, an Indian woman saint who is
able to pour out love unconditionally. I felt, instantaneously, as I sat before
her at Orcas Island, that my obsession with having a child was lifted. It felt
like a huge surrender had occurred. After that experience, we didn't think
much about getting pregnant, but were still not closing the doors. Bob and I
happened to be visiting Baba Hari Dass in California last spring. Babaji, who
has been silent for 40 years and communicates by writing on a chalkboard, asked
us "Pregnant?" We assured Babaji that we had let go of the desire to become
parents. A week later I realized I was pregnant again. We had planned to spend
the majority of my first trimester with Ammachi, so I felt I would have lots of
protection from the Divine Mother. We adopted a "three's a charm" hopefulness.
I used homeopathy, progesterone, and the usual prenatal vitamins and a healthy,
natural diet. But, at nearly l2 weeks, the same scenario occurred, minus the D
and C.

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