6.2.13

sean: week five, part one

JA: I can't even talk about that headband (turban?) Selma wore to the Farm Obstacle Course.

SA: It had sparkles. She wanted us to make sure we knew that she wasn't one of the goats.

While I do think it's total crap that Sean invited the losers to the post-farm cocktail party, when will these girls learn that the complainers just sit there having a Chardonnay Vagina Party while the proactive girls are making out with Sean? I'm like, Dear Losers: you're mad about the other four girls being there, but meanwhile a girl who gets her own 2-on-1 date tomorrow is showing up out of the blue and stalking Sean's life and making out with him. (PS - do you think, like I do, that this is starting an alarming trend of no one paying attention to the date cards and just showing up wherever they want whenever they want? Because it's becoming clear to me that on the Bachelor -- just like in real life -- the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. And clearly, the squeakiest wheel of all is Sean, because he gets more grease than a bucket of fried chicken.)

I really enjoyed Desiree's comment that Sean gives the rose to the girl whose having a hard time...ding ding Des, you figured out the secret to Bachelorland...but instead of using this golden nugget you instead chose to try and keep your pride...Des - this is not the way to win. You should have 'broke down' while telling Sean how pissed you were you had to drink warm goat milk, then threatened to leave and then...the rose would have been yours. Instead it went to Daniella who, on finally getting out of the house, first cried and then jumped on top of your man with a desperate last chance make out. Now, now I do not think this was strategy as Daniella is honestly a drunk, horny, emotional, hot mess. Sean, like the rest of us, is finally starting to see it and...like her for it? A disaster who people want to root for...do we have a new Bachelorette nominee? At least this girl is taking advantage of the only thing ABC is truly offering these woman: free alcohol.

And speaking of the 2-on-1...did anyone in America think Jackie was actually gonna get that rose? I'm great with names and I had to sit here and think for a second to even come up with Jackie's. Maybe (going off my "Sean is a really classy guy" theory) Jackie had approached Sean earlier saying, "I'm over it and I wanna go home. But don't make me sit (or stand) through a whole rose ceremony." And Sean was like, "I want you to go home too. So why don't we have a nice night out (with Tierra) and we can pretend to eat dinner and I'll compliment you a lot before I have the PA drive you to the airport?" Because seriously...that was the least suspenseful 2-on-1 in Bachelor history.

Tierra's dis to Jackie was pretty spot on..."you ate your fish." As the only people who eat on the bachelor are the ones who have a lot of alone time on their hands...

Also, I have to say, I'm not sure Sean was even listening to Jackie during their talk. The whole rest of the episode he kept asking for 'specifics' on how Tierra had wronged him. While on their date Jackie said, specifically, 'Tierra was flirting with lots of other men at the airport.' I'm pretty sure at that point Sean was just imagining licking that weird scar on Tierra's forehead and counting the seconds until he could send, sweet, hot, spark-less Jackie home.

All the time the girls spend confronting Tierra is time they don't spend with Sean. As soon as Robyn decided to use precious Cocktail Party time to go all High School on Tierra, I knew she was done. Lesley better watch her moves these next couple of weeks. For some reason, the girl who actually brings the drama is never associated with the drama. The Bachelor (and Sean is no exception) can't conceive of a world beyond what he sees, so if you're the girl who spends her cuddle time complaining about another girl, that makes you dramatic. And if you're the bipolar girl who consistently fakes various injuries and makes ugly cry faces and deploys a heartbreak story from your past at just the right time, then Sean loves you.Love how Sean needed to clarify that Teirra's (fictional?) ex was in 'drug and alcohol rehab'. No, Sean, not a physical rehabilitation center.

They have really turned this into the Tierra show this season...and frankly I'm a little bored with her. I know ABC has had a lot of success with the whole "girl you love to hate" thing, but I actually hate to hate Tierra, and the promos seem to indicate that the entire rest of the season is just going to be more and more of this and I'm already so bored.

Me too. Can we get more Catherine and Sean playing Dungeons and Dragons together...(as he joked they did here)...

To continue the theme of Least Suspenseful Episode Ever, the last two girls in the rose ceremony are Robyn...and DESIREE? Stevie Wonder could see (or anyone who's ever seen a promo could tell) that Desiree has to stick around long enough for her man to show up. We've come a long way from last week's Minority Date Report. Now Christine and Selma are the only minorities left, right?

Catherine, Josh, Catherine. Sidenote: my friend Tess told me that Catherine is actually a real Graphic Designer for like google or amazon or something. The fact that she has a legitimate job and isn't designing t-shirts in her bedroom is even further fuel in my quest to find out how this girl ended up on this show...

Okay, now I'm going to go watch last night's PART TWO (aka Sean's Hilarious Hypothermia Prank) and comment on THAT. Long day ahead.

Big surprise that it's Tierra who gets hurt. Sean really is an idiot. A big dumb tomato...now I'll proceed to spend two more hours of my life watching a man I wouldn't talk to in a bar try to find a wife...