God is not dead, if you ask Christians. I’m not sure who ever said he was dead, since that would imply god was ever real in the first place, but evangelical Christians seem to be very passionate on painting a picture of oppression. Since Christians are probably the least oppressed group on Earth, it takes a lot of creativity to get people to believe otherwise, but making countless movies supporting this theory seems to help. There was a movie a couple years ago called God’s Not Dead, and it starred Kevin Sorbo. The premise was that a student wanted to prove god is not dead in a philosophy class, and the evil philosopher professor wanted students to sign a contract stating god was in fact dead. It’s the sort of poetic paradox that is appropriate to be a vehicle for actors’ careers to die in. However, it only cost $2m to make, and made $60m, so let me introduce you to the sequel, God’s Not Dead 2. Same premise, but in court instead of class. I won’t insult you with describing the plot. This one stars Melissa Joan Hart, so it should be the last stop on the fame train for her. She can keep Kevin Sorbo company in the unemployment line.

Kim Kardashian is a juicy, attractive whore. People hate her for this, while I on the other hand love her for it. In her mind, getting behind a worthy cause to better humanity is to enlist other hot chicks who are famous for getting nude and have them join her in getting naked because this somehow translates into female equality. Enter Emily Rastajkowski, famous for being naked in a music video. Now they’re both posting nude selfies on social media and angering most people while pleasing me. Now Emily is quite thin, but still possessing ample bosoms, so next to each other they sort of look like a before and after shot for Jenny Craig. Enter the latest hot name on the list of nude people, Ashley Graham. Graham is the first plus size model to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated and now Maxim. She’s plus-sized much in the way that taco bell is food – technically it’s true, but you’re clinging to the loosest variations of the definition. Ashley Graham is fat while standing next to Emily Ratajkowski, but standing next to most people’s wives, you’d step over your spouse’s corpse to have sex with her. These three are heroes of nudity, and if you put all three together it looks like a gradient scale for tan levels and caloric intake.

Certain things are considered specific to black culture. Hip hop music, baggy clothing, abandoning the responsibilities of fatherhood, etc… but in a world where #BlackLivesMatter movements are getting ever more aggressive, people are getting fed up with letting white people get away with appropriating their culture. This includes slang terms, hip hop and dreadlocks. We watch a video where a guy is accosted by a black girl for his dreadlocks. Seems legit, until you consider the guy being attacked is a small meek-looking dude. I’d like to see her pull the same shit with the Predator. I bet that appropriation would be less offensive.

The famous pixelated plumber Super Mario is known as quite the Italian hero, but this week we wonder if Super Mario wouldn’t be better served as a hero if he were black instead of Italian. We come up with some fantastic powers he might have if he were more well-endowed, and then discuss what powers the princess might have that could explain her floating abilities. Some sort of powerful blast of air coming from the princess might explain how she’s able to hover… Super Mario has quite a woman on his hands!

Speaking of idiocy, are you familiar with the abomination that is Iggy Azalea? She’s an Australian rapper who sounds like she’s from Atlanta because of her impersonating the rapper accent often found there. We’re fairly sure someone should be offended at this, but no one seems to be, so we listen to her big hit song “Fancy” and then compare it to how she sounds in real life. Complete fakery. Also in the “fake” column is Macklemore, the white rapper who raps about the “Same Love” … but also secretly texts other rappers that they should’ve won the Grammy instead of him. Publically, however, he boasts about his win as deserved. It would seem the “Same Love” is the love for himself. Oh, also we talk about stomping babies. We really need some professional therapy.

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