Sunday, November 23, 2008

Happy Sunday :) Hope yours is as restful as I expect mine to be. Since I write these posts at least a day in advance I can only say with a slight degree of certainty that I'm feeling better than I ever have and it's been a good long while since I've been quite so relaxed... possibly ;)

In any event, as always, we'll keep the exposition short for our Sunday humor post and turn you on to this bit of fake news from PacketStorm in their Linux and Unix humor section. Check out the rest of site for more laughs and some good security tips!

Enjoy and peace :)

Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage

Until yesterday, protesters had kept a quiet, good-natured presenceoutside of the Microsoft's new office in downtown Seattle, handing outfree CD's of computer software, and even giving cute little stuffed penguins-theirmascot- to the children of passers-by. "They're such NICE young men," said78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog nearby. "They would pet mydog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the X Files. I thinkthey just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," saidthis great-grandmother when interviewed this morning.

Tear gas fired at crowd.

But these demonstrators, whose numbers have escalated in recent weeks,did in fact turn violent yesterday, clashing with police in the worst streetviolence in this city's history.

"I don't know what set them off," said Microsoft Security Chief LesterRichard.

"They'd been gathering forces for some time, so I guess I should have expectedit. Mr. Gates sent a representative outside to meet with their leaders,and suddenly there were hundreds of them screaming and breaking out windows.Once I was safely upstairs, I called police. They plastered their penguinposters all over our lobby and ate up all my jelly beans" said the 47 yearold, with visible frustration. "They even placed a little stuffed penguinon my chair!"

Linux nerd wears gasmask hastily fashioned from a garbagebag, work goggles, a pocket protector- and using the insides of a nuttybar as a filter.

By 1:30PM, the streets had turned to utter chaos as police arrivedwith riot gear, firing teargas at the crowd. One teargas canister, in abizarre twist of fate, landed in the doorway of the city's Convention Center,where an NRA-sponsored survivalist organization was holding their annualGun & Knife Show. In the chaos that followed, no one seemed to knowwho was fighting whom. Making matters worse, a large contingent from anational motorcycle gang just

happened to be passing through town, and was caught in the melee. Injuriesand damage were widespread, with no official estimates yet available. Policerestored order sometime just before midnight.

"Death to Graphical User Interfaces!"

screams a penguinhead as he is arrested.

A Peaceful History Shattered

By all accounts, the Linux advocates had until this time, been quitepeaceful. Jose Suarez, who owns a small convenience store nearby, had onlygood things to say about them.

"Before they even arrived in town, their leaders had contacted me byphone, warning me that I would need to stock very heavily on Mountain Dew,Doctor Pepper, and Jolt Cola. They sure do like that stuff. Geez."

Seattle Mayor PauI Schell expressed initial reservations about the influxof penguinheads. "Obviously, when I found out that we were going to havetens of

thousands of outsiders coming to our city, sleeping in their cars, on thesidewalk- I was very concerned. We hadn't dealt with crowds this size sincethe last Grateful Dead show here-and I'll tell you, these computer nerds are touchy. At least the

hippies stayed mellow till we sent police to the lot to bust theirskulls with nightsticks."

"I went down and met with them, and they were really nice for a bunchof computer-geeks. They had some sort of cellular hookup or something,and were on the Internet conspiring with people all over the world. Theyhad cellphones, moving lifesize penguin holograms- the penguin is theirsymbol- and fax machines, some sort of cable satellite TV so they couldwatch Star Trek- they impressed me as

Protesters begin burning crates of MSN CD's.

good citizens. I'll admit, they fooled me.. When they got tired of playingsoccer or throwing frisbees, they'd get out little homebuilt robots- cutelittle things, that play what they call 'fooball.' They said they believethat technology, if kept in the hands of the people, will be a source ofvery good social change. Up until now, our only big problem was with theirall-night laser-tag games all over downtown. Deep down, though, I knewit wouldn't take much to push them over the edge."

Linux: Technology of The People, or Systems by Satan?

"PeaceFrog" attempts to sell a linux button to theofficer who confiscated his soccer ball. He was quickly arrested for vendingwithout a license.

The young enthusiasts of technology that were picketing Microsoft areadvocates of Linux, a computer "operating system" that competes with Microsoft's"Windows" software. Linux is licensed under the Free Software Foundation'sGeneral Public License and is literally free. Linux is a form of an operatingsystem called Unix, which has become rather controversial in recent years.

"Linux is by the people, for the people!" exclaims activist

Richard Stanley Dupp Jr.. "It's the result of people who want technologyto work for you, not for some rich billionaire whose goal is controlof the market and the destruction of the human spirit of creativity." Hethen said something unintelligible, causing those nearby to burst out laughing.

"That was Klingon for 'it only took one brick to make that windowdrop!'" explains a protester, who gave his name has PenguinBreeze.PenguinBreeze said he was covering his travel expenses by selling stuffedpenguins, Linux stickers, and "fat way-kind veggie burritos."

The billionaire he's referring to is Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, the HenryFord of computer technology. It was Gates who built an empire by puttingPC's in nearly every American home. The Linux activists say that you cannotpurchase a computer without Windows, and seek a refund on the additionto a PC's price. Neither manufacturers nor Microsoft will give the requestedrefund.

But not everyone agrees that this challenge to the Microsoft empireis based in good intentions. For most of the past week, the picketers havebeen the focus of another organization, Seattle Citizens Unix Mobilization,a group that opposes Unix-oriented systems for religious reasons.

The dignified-looking, elderly Holmes and his followers had been urgingstate and federal authorities to step in, picketing the picketers aroundthe clock for nearly a week. "They talk about 'the people' and the evilsof capitalism. They're nothing but socialist anarchists working for theliberal Jewish homosexual environmentalist media!" he added.

Radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger also jumped into the controversy."They talk about freedom but not of personal responsibility, permissivenesswithout morality. And what is their symbol? Is it a religious symbol? Apatriotic symbol? A symbol of morality or decency? No. Their symbol isa penguin- a PENGUIN! An eagle that can't fly, a chicken with no nutritionalvalue, a clumsy, stupid creature that waddles and wallows in the icy shellof a cold, lonely hell of isolation," she told listeners yesterday.

Noon: The Nerds Go Nuts

The event that apparently triggered the rioting was, ironically, anact of kindness, generosity, and goodwill on the part of Microsoft. Itwas not well received, however, among these anarchic backers of free livingand free software. Microsoft spokesperson John Mash met with the leadersof the protest, and made them an offer which, he said, was sure to satisfythem.

"I couldn't believe it- it HURT" said Linux activist FooManchu, tearswelling up in his eyes at the

Protesters charge the front gate, where they coveredthe Microsoft logo with a Linux logo.

memory. "Do you know what they were offering? They were going togive each of us an MSN CD and ten free hours. I just totally lost it. Weall did. It got really confusing when all those gun nuts came pouring outof the Convention Center."

"Those gun nut jerks deserved to be teargassed," said Herman Kriegek,31, of Worthington Ohio, on condition that he not be identified. "The sick,bloodthirsty animals came out of the gun show shouting about the UN andmartial law. But they didn't know which side we were on. Our stuffed penguinsseemed to really confuse them. They finally seemed to decide they'd betterkick our asses just to be sure, and they were doing just that when we heardthis sound, like thunder."

That thunderous noise was from the motorcycles of some 300-400 membersof the Judas Disciples motorcycle gang, who were passing through downtownin formation. They has just attended the funeral of one of their own whohad been gunned down in a barroom brawl.

"I was running from the gun nuts and the police, and was running downthe middle of the street in a panic. I thought it couldn't possibly getworse. I look up and it's a freakin million bikers wearing gang colors,coming right at me. The guy asks me why I'm runnin' and I tell him thatthey're trying to kill us because we're into Linux. This dude, the meanest,most evil-looking dude I ever saw in my life looks at me and says 'sheeeit,Linux? I run Red Hat on my linux box" and nods to the dude next to him.Turns out that the chief enforcer for the gang had met Linus Torvalds atSturgis way back years ago. Linus turned him on to Red Hat, and he's beenwriting GNU software ever since."

Police have rounded up most of the organizers, who are now in jail awaitingbond hearings. Still being sought is the suspected leader of the cult."They know that we know about their leader. We're overheard their whisperings.This "Colonel" guy will be tracked down, and he WILL be brought to justice,"said Seattle police Lt. Turner Treaques. "He thinks we're stupid, but we'rehot on his trail."

According to jailer Mike Fostquel, the captured nerds are model prisoners."They made a crude but listenable crystal radio out of a light bulb, acrayon, and a square of toilet paper, and a rock. They say they'll havelinux on it by next week. They seem to be having a really good time. Tellya the truth, I'll hate to see 'em go."