If you could make a TV show......

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LE

Individual MPs* are filmed by an under-cover unit as they are offered a range of temptations ranging from drugs, to children, money, hookers, young men, and a seat in the Lords. Whoever resists the most temtations is the winner.

Once during a fever I remembered that when a European is dying, there is usually some sort of ceremony in which he asks the pardon of others and pardons them. I have a great many enemies, and I thought, what should my answer be if some modernized persons should ask me my views on this? After considering it, I decided: Let them go on hating me. I shall not forgive a single one of them.

Old-Salt

I'm thinking of something along the lines of an Arrse 'Point of View' with the mods taking turns to do a 'Barry Took'. The other mods have to read out the letters\emails as shown in the clip below. And they have to do the voices. Even the females.

Us plebs give them a selection of things they liked\did not like on the forums the previous week and they have to reply. Or not. And they would have to do the full 'Barry Took' (Dying of Cancer is optional).

The fey looks, and the 'Am I, Am I not' hidden undercurrent of man love.

Only trouble is I fear that the only question they would get asked is "Why the fcuk am I on ROP's?"

ADC

LE

A realistic war series using modern technology to enhance the "viewing experience"...

The actors sit about for several episodes while nothing happens, the viewer can order take away meals which always arrive cold and have the same menu.

Then suddenly the TV makes a very loud explosion noise and bursts into flames...

In the career of glory one gains many things; the gout and medals, a pension and rheumatism....all of these fatigues experienced in your youth, you pay for when you grow old. Because one has suffered in years gone by, it is necessary to suffer more, which does not seem exactly fair.

LE

Five ex-members of the elite barrier-operating and fence-patrolling force are Directing Staff to a selection test where 24 members of the public are given the sentence chance to become notional members of this mediocre force of glorified G4S security guards.

They are taken away to a difficult and unforgiving location, Alicante, where they have to survive arduous breakfast, a bit of PT and other stuff at the Royal Marriot Hotel.

Over the next few days they have to attempt difficult tasks:The Log Race. When the electric barrier breaks, they have to run to find a telegraph pole around the corner and construct it into a working vehicle control pointThe Webbing Test. The soldiers are taken onto the the ranges to test their marksmanship skills by firing at their own webbing to simulate a close call with the enemy. The volunteer with the most convincing damage and subsequent excuse wins this sectionEscape and Evasion. This is where the volunteers have to go out get pissed, eat pizzas and then attempt to disappear all the time avoiding CCTV and 'the hunters'. You have to throw false trails by visiting gay meeting sites, swinging and having affairs. Known affectionally as the Mckeague challenge in Regt circles.Resistance to Interrogation. The members of the selection course are given a cover story that they are elite members of UKSF/SFSG group and have to hold to this story in a simulated 'pub' with real ex-members of the British Army. They have to convince the ex-army types that they are elite warriors and not hyped-up barrier mechanics.The 5 Miles of Death. This speaks for itself, The volunteers under the guidance of the DS, by phone from their hotel rooms, are forced to endure a whole 5 miles of walking with a backpack, and not on roads. They will be subjected to temptations to quit by walking past Pizza Hut, McDonalds and various Spanish Tapas bars to reach the end. Those who fail will die (Caveat: No dying is involved, the death part is for dramatic effect only).

Those who pass this arduous course (Caveat: This course is not classed as an Arduous course for Military progression) will be given the honour, nay right of passage to be called 'Raf Regiment'

The DS staff are:

Tarquin - Chief Instructor
Has over 23 years in the elite RAF Regiment, and has served in some in nearly all conflicts, with the exception of Iraq and Afghanistan. Has several dangerous operations under his belt, the last ironically being for a strangulated hernia.

Bob & Doris (previously Dave) - Instructing Staff
Both of these elite soldiers (now a couple) have between them almost 25 years of manning barriers and patrolling some of the most dangerous air bases in Oxfordshire. Doris (not his real name) once was recommended for a AvM's award for outstanding contribution to base Security when at Raf Saxa Vord (didn't win)

Chinny - Instructing Staff (Morale)
Has spent most her career shaking hands and being the 'face' of the RAF. Spent several years as an undercover operative, who's speciality is the honey trap, using her shapely derrière

Dinger - Instructing Staff
Spent 6 years at the elite training base, RAF Halton, mostly attached to the cookhouse. Served in Waddington, Brize Norton and did several operations to Aviano, Italy

Fat Cav

"What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact"- Don Williams Jr.

LE

Show starts with a bag over the head kidnapping and a long trip. When the bag comes off they find themselves in a big warehouse full of building materials. The doors are then flung open to reveal 10,000 sick and hungry refugees. "Your mission is to build a hospital".

LE

Britain's most camp and most loved vigilante returns to visit humiliation and pain on the anti social. This week he convinces a yob to go to a gay club and take part in a karaoke competition. His gang will lose all respect when they seem him perform You Make Me Feel by Sylvester.

10. Car Wash

Members of the public are invited to drive to our studio, and have their cars washed by scantily clad young ladies - or men. For a charity donation, you can pour a bucket of soapy water over a model of your choice.

Just to increase the tension a bit more, some of the ropes are only tied to the overhead by fishing line, but nobody knows which. Also, the prisoners can buy an extra 50cm of rope length for every limb or major joint they are prepared to sacrifice.

MIA

I have used the search function, so please try not to J Damn (or indeed JDAM) me.

Sometimes I am perplexed and disappointed at the lack of decent TV programmes (yes not the UK spelling) that are both educational and entertaining, wholesome and uplifting, perhaps a little risque but not socially harmful - neither misogynistic nor PC, not that offending Snowflakes should be avoided. So why not have a few ideas for the ARRSE production company. The only thing I ask are that a few basic rules are followed:

1. No porn (ie nothing seriously hard) - a bit of nudity is fine*.
2. No racism.
3. No slurs against any religion.
4. Nothing to glamourise crime.