Reviewing progressive rock albums can be simple. Are you tired ofagonizing over the right words to use? Confused about your subjectmatter? Or are you just a lazy pig? Then use the following tips, andprog rockers everywhere will believe your every word. Trust me. Eachtip is followed by an example so you can see exactly how it's done.

1. In every review, you MUST praise the Mellotron. Always describeit using the word "wash." "Gentile Goyim's keyboardist, KerryMayonnaise, treats the listener to spectacular, warm washes ofeverybody's favorite Mellotron." FOR BONUS POINTS, also mention theHammond B-3, and imply violence. "Greg Palmer's raw, two-fisted Hammondwork pierces the listener's eardrums with sonic knives." EXTRA BONUSPOINTS if you mention either of these instruments, and they don'tactually appear in the music. "On the road, King Creampuff's keyboardsetup consists of grand piano, harpsichord, and several analog synths,but strangely, no Mellotron." (Not gonna lie I am guilty of this!! lol)

2. Any band that uses cello automatically gets a rave review. For bonuspoints, use the word "haunting." "As the music fades, a haunting solocello appears out of nowhere, accompanied by a trio of Mellotrons,washing away." Subtract ten points if you compare the music to "EleanorRigby."

3. If the music has flute in it, compare it to Jethro Tull. It doesn'tmatter that the music is really death metal, chanting monks, or atonalbirdsong: YOU MUST MENTION TULL. For extra points, mention Camel too."Paraan's music features Hyperia Gomez on flute, inviting comparison toJethro Tull or Camel, even though the flute's main use is as a handymallet to bang several large gongs."

4. You don't have to bother describing the music. Just list theinstruments and let the reader imagine the rest. "From out of NewZealand comes Genghis Ka-Ka, one of the finest prog bands I've everheard. If you are a fan of acoustic guitar, haunting cello, andexplosive, annihilating Hammond B-3, you MUST check out this album."

5. Mention the length of at least one song. Extra points if you call itan "opus." "Side 2 of the album is completely taken up by 'Ode toBowser', a 22-minute magnum opus based on the theme from 'My Dog HasFleas.'"

7. The Syn-Phonic Rule: Praise every album by calling it the "best"example of a totally contrived category. Don't forget the exclamationpoints. * Museo Rubenstein, PASTAFAZOOL ($18). Possibly the ultimateEskimo bassoon band of all time!!!!

8. If a progressive album features very long, drawn-out, incrediblyrepetitive, boring instrumentals, call it "space music." "Space rockersMimsy Borogoves specialize in atmospheric drones that last upwards offour hours before switching notes."

9. Use abbreviations known only to seasoned proggers. "Zyzzyva's musicis a thrilling blend of PFM, HTM, RIO, TNR, ZNR, and PDQ Bach."

10. Every keyboard/bass/drums trio MUST be compared to ELP. Everyquiet, symphonic prog album MUST be compared to PER UN AMICO. All raw,loud music MUST be compared to King Crimson's RED. All counterpointMUST be compared to Gentle Giant. Bonus points if it sounds nothinglike Gentle Giant.

Every "old Genesis style" band MUST becompared to Marillion, not Genesis. Every male vocalist with a highvoice MUST be compared to Jon Anderson. Every female vocalist,regardless of range or style, MUST be compared toAnnie Haslam. Every band that uses sudden, unpredictable tempo and timesignature changes MUST be compared to Barry Manilow. "Angled Guard,Sweden's newest prog sensation, combines the beauty of PER UN AMICOwith the rawness of RED, producing a progressive, symphonicextravaganza that could only have come from Marillion. Lead singers JonHaslam and Annie Anderson are pictured on the album cover, insertingtwin flutes up Barry Manilow's nose... taking the instrument far beyondanything Camel and Tull ever did."

1. Listen to prog (Obviously enough.) 2. All who do not understand prog are musically inferior. 3. Be simultaneously pensive and experimental if at all possible. 4. Listen to your favorite prog albums in silent awe. 5. Don't move at concerts. Just sit back and absorb the music... 6. Repeat all of the above while denouncing any prog-basher. 7. Never ever under any circumstances listen to Spock's Beard or Platypus. 8. When someone asks you if you enjoy Genesis, always point out "the prog Genesis". Phil Collins is a soft-rock sellout. Same goes for Yes. 9. Don't be James Labrie. Complain about this entry. 10. Never ever under any circumstances say "Hear In The New Frontier ruled." 11. Don't be Kelly Gray. 12. Proggies don't take out the garbage. They dispose of the refuse of icons past. 13. Don't pronounce words as silly as Charlie Domenici did on When Dream and Day Unite. 14. Make sure your album goes out of print quickly so prog fans will value it as a forgotten masterpiece. 15. When in doubt, say "epic progressive symphonic metal." 16. If that doesn't work, a synth solo or long instrumental excursion can fill any silence. 17. Turn any triangle you see into a Pink Floyd logo, or any M into a majesty symbol. 18. Nipple twisting is not a progressive activity. 19. Write an internet-only prog zine. Feature interviews and reviews that no non-proggie would know. 20. Always be open minded...as long as it's prog. 21. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band except the drummer. 22. Don't be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog. 23. Don't make jokes, unless they are in jokes among proggies. 24. When in doubt, stare with a blank reflection. 25. To producers of progressive metal albums: Bad production is absolutely unacceptable. You must be able to hear every nuance and instrument. 26. Make sure that more than half of the members in your band are involved in outside projects a la Dream Theater. 27. When in concert, always include improvised jam sessions and/or never play the exact same setlist. This will ensure your fans something new to look forward to at every gig. 28. Or you could never play live (see Shadow Gallery) or only at multi-artist festivals. 29. When getting ready to a show, always forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band. 30. When asked by a non-proggie what prog really is, say something like, â€œprog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock31. Fire one of your band members, and claim he left because he was going in a pop direction. 32. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). 33. If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company. 34. Record everything in different studios with multiple producers, exotic instrumentation, expensive equipment, etc. 35. Make sure your album cover contains either a computer-drawn image, a lavish painting, or is illustrated by Roger Dean or Hugh Syme. 36. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics. 37. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to. 38. Never write a song under four minutes unless it is an instrumental or is part of a larger concept. 39. All lyrics must have some mythological references and/or include words rarely used in casual conversation. This is not optional. 40. When referring to sex with a proggie use dense metaphorical language. Actually, this applies to just about every activity. 41. Thoroughly enjoy fantasy and science fiction, if only for their influence on prog. 42. Use prog quotes (especially from Neil Peart) at any given time. 43. If you suddenly find yourself being transformed into John Myung, never say a word to anyone and show absolutely no emotion. 44. Own hundreds of prog albums, bootlegs, rarities, etc. and listen to all of them regularly. 45. Refrain from using headbanging smileys. (Ok, BB-specific one.) 46. Playing in 4/4 and writing about sex, drugs, and parties is not prog, unless it is meant to create irony or have some deeper hidden meaning. 47. Don't take pride in your home town, state, or country. Prog is a universal language. 48. Don't be David Gilmour. There is no Floyd without Roger. 49. Insist that following prog does not make one a nerd. (This could be "snob", too. - DB) 50. Try to draw connections between obscure references in albums. 51. Don't make non-prog references when describing prog albums. 52. If possible, design the title of your album that it refers to some imaginary place that nonetheless serves as a metaphor for this world (Metropolis pt. II, The Towers Of Avarice, The Global Village, Remedy Lane, etc.) But also be aware that one-word titles can be equally effective (Awake, Signals, etc.) 53. Never collaborate with anyone signed to Magna Carta. 54. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately. 55. If you're not a proggie, stop reading this. You won't understand. 56. Own every (insert 70s cult prog act here) release. Every proggie has at least one lesser known band he is absolutely obsessed with. 57. Own rare bootlegs that you're sure nobody else has heard. 58. Attempt to throw in instrumental sections that non-proggies will consider random, but will be appreciated and studied by prog fans. (This is why "Paranoid Android" sucks. - DB) 59. In order to make your recording more progressive, be sure to include a lyricist that will have a prodigious grasp of the English language and incredible poetic ability. 60. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to 2112 or composing a sidelong epic? Shame!

* HEAVY METAL The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* GOTHIC METAL The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* SPEED METAL Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

* CHRISTIAN METAL The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

* GLAM METAL The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* BATTLE METAL The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

* NU METAL The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* EMO The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

* GRUNGE The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha's due to the over consumption of white cider.

* POP-PUNK The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't f*ck him either, because he likes ska.