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At a Glance: This week I've conned the good people from the somethingawful forums into doing my dirty work for me, effectively making my rompit both more enjoyable to read and more enjoyable for me because I didn't have to play this game! Let's begin.

Post anything anywhere on the internet about Robin Williams and nine times out of ten, an edgy up-and-coming comedic genius superstar is going to point out that the Oscar award-winning actor has a lot of body hair. Often it is hidden in some kind of "bear" reference, like "hey guys that picture is not of Robin Williams, that is in fact a bear!" or "hey why did you post that picture of a bear inside my message board thread about Robin Williams?" Well not this time! Even though Toys is a game starring Robin Williams, based on a movie also starring Robin Williams, you're not going to find any hair in it. Why? I'll tell you why. Blast Processing. The SNES just didn't have enough Super Sonic Megaciruitables to properly render Williams' very manly body in real time, which completely kills the immersion in "Level 4 - Striptease Challenge." -TheRedEye

Game Plot: "Toys", along with such other titles as Home Alone 2", are the software adaptation of a moderately successful movie rushed out in the hopes of grabbing the last few dollars they can get from the movie's audience. The game Toys is the same basic plot as the movie Toys, except that the game begins approximately 4/5ths of the way into the movie; A toy factory operator "Mr Zevo" is dying and wishes to teach his extremely light hearted son, Leslie, responsibility before putting him in charge of his empire. To do this Zevo Sr concocts a scheme where he will put his brother, a psychotic army general, in charge of his company, which will lead to his son learning to be responsible some how. The plan backfires when the psychotic general begins to act psychotically and Zevo unexpectedly dies. Now it is up to Zevo Jr to stop being an affable moron and kill his uncle. -Rum and Coke

Enemies: The enemies, in keeping with the "Toys" theme, are assorted mini-tanks, bombs on wheels, and RC Choppers. This is all well and good, but they have one massive advantage over your vaguely pedophilic-looking character: That is, they can actually hurt you, as they don't have to fiddle with the horrible controls and impossible-to-aim weapons, and as such can focus freely on creating several very large, very bloody chunks in you. Well, they WOULD if this wasn't for SNES, but regardless, the lowliest tank will kill you time and time again. Which is a real problem considering there's about nine parked around every objective (I think they're objectives anyway), making even the first level completely and totally impossible to defeat. Fantastic.- The Kins

Weapons: Rest easy, though, to fight the varied super-toys of the evil general, you'll find a series of "good" toys to combat them. Each item that adds to your arsenal is easily selectable so you can choose the right one for any situation; a truly helpful feature in any fast-paced adventure game. The only problem here is that there aren't any useful items at all. In fact, it should be said that 100% of the weapons at your disposal are completely useless, unless you enjoy the confusion of several things inexplicably darting to and fro on screen.

Of note are the various wind-up toys that seem to have some sort of targeting system that prevents them from taking out potential targets, and turns their focus to indestructible walls and other obstacles. In addition, you get a small array of "shooting" weapons including the Peanut Gun (a severed elephant head that spouts peanuts on demand), the bowling ball, and water balloons. They do as much damage to the evil toys as you would expect, that is if the toys were actually Abrahams tanks, which they are. This effectively triples your chances of not making any progress at all. - FalseParadigm

You have at your disposal a peanut gun which is useful if your enemies aren't zipping around randomly at high speeds, which they usually are. Fortunately you can harness the power of random high-speed whimsy by getting the race car weapon. By dropping race cars, you can test your mathematical theories on the likelihood of collisions between small, fast, unpredictably moving objects on a two dimensional plane. If you are the type of gamer who prefers a more leisurely approach to fate-based combat, equip yourself with the wind-up duck. The duck will wander off on a relaxing stroll to nowhere, usually in the opposite direction of what you intended. Essentially combat in this game is like gluing land mines to blind, deaf, mute, mentally retarded chimpanzees and setting them loose in a football field.- Planet Idiot

Levels:"I never thought I would see the toy factory again... not like this. Back in the war, I had been a living legend. Some called me Thunderhulk. But now I was just an old soldier, another nameless face in a sea of forgotten men. But they were giving me another chance. With my trusty peanut gun in tow, I would move as a ghost. through the occupied halls of the factory in search of my prey . Just another inch and the shot would be perfect. This would be the greatest revenge for what they did to you; how they left you behind in the cold so carelessly that long year. Wait, what's that no-- THE SIRENS! You old fool, you've been played. It was all just a trap... and here come the Jeeps!. You're out of luck unless... yes, that's the door! Just one more step and *BOOM* The bombs... how did I forget... the bombs... it feels like... falling... ...that's what I think of the first level of Toys. I never made it to the second; the experience was just too trying." - Dr. Junga

Each level is essentially the same. You must guide your character through an area of the toy factory, such as the warehouse or the cafeteria. Your goal is to destroy the level's elephant-shaped security cameras, R. Kelly style. The levels are impossibly difficult and mind-numbingly dull. If you haven't stopped playing by the third level, there's something wrong with you. And if you beat any of these levels without the help of a Game Genie, then you're some kind of retard savant.- almightyjimbob

I was pleasantly shocked for approximately 10 seconds by the first level, the sprites seemed ok and the general game play seemed good. It was all going so well until they forgot to stop making the level. Each level is around double the map size of a myst level, leaving locations that would probably be used as markers in other games to be completely non-descript. All the levels are filled to the brim with generic enemies that will kill you very fast due to their sheer numbers. The objective is to knock out some cameras while your cousin does the hard work . This painfully dull formula repeats itself until the final level. This differs by the fact you're on a plane but the standard rules apply; way too big, too many enemies and all you can do is dodge them really. At the end of the day a team created this game that had no desire to make it, like a surrogate mother or a child put up for adoption; abortion would have been the better option - Rum and Coke

Bosses: When I said that I would do the boss section I assumed that firstly there would be bosses and secondly I was going to be playing a game. -Alt4f

Defining Moment: It would have to be the pivotal final sequence, which caused my heart to sink. This film could have been made into an ok adaptation if they really wanted too but obviously these games are designed and wrote in a week. However. This does not make up for the complete lack of final boss that you would so deserve if you somehow were able to finish this game. Its unpatriotic if nothing else to lack any bosses and take your frustration out on the game at the end. I am quite sure this was the cause of many a letter to a congressman on it's release and, in these unstable times, games like this cannot be allowed to proliferate. I call for a ban on this game in all countries that support final bosses. - Rum and Coke

The Defining Moment would have to be the 10th time I attempted to complete the first level (without cheating) and realized that I had much better things to do with my life, like slowly removing my testicles with a rusty spoon, or perhaps jumping in front of a moving train, both experiences being more wholesome and less painful than attempting to play this game. If there's anything companies who have tried to convert movies to games has taught us, it is that there is simply no god in heaven, but rather an elephant camera waiting to be sprayed with 50 gallons of water. - Mister K

I personally like how he gets sucked into a black hole when you die. A clever metaphor inserted by the game developers representing Robin Williams career. It was so subtle it didn't even become relevant until 1998 when Patch Adams was released. - Broman

Possible Movie Remakes: I think that this game could probably be made into a movie. I would cast Christopher Walken as the main character, and some robots as the toys. I have not actually played the game in years, but I remember renting it once at the video store. There were clouds on the box and a Hat with a window in it if I am not mistaken. However, I think there was also already a movie that was based on the game, but I don't think anyone famous was in it. I also rented Aladdin and Peter Pan that time, so Toys did not get very much play time, because, lets face it, Aladdin is a much better game. My favorite character in Aladdin is Genie, because he has magical powers. I think that they could add some Magical powers for Christopher Walken in the movie if they decide to cast him. They would also need that guy from Jarhead, the guy who goes crazy because his friend does not get to shoot the bad military guy. Maybe they should put a bad evil military guy in the movie too.

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

The Rom Pit is dedicated to reviewing the most bizarre and screwed up classic console games from the 1980's, the ones that made you wonder what kind of illegal substances the programmers were smoking when they worked on them. Strangely enough, the same illegal substances are often necessary to enjoy or make sense of most of these titles. No horrible Nintendo game is safe from the justice of the ROM Pit.