This fine example of the carpenter's art be offered fer quick sale, no questions asked. Three gold dubloons or one silver teapot. Come aboard the Whistling Kettle and ask to see the Reverend. On no account alert any Female Tango Dancers of yer presence.

Does someone owe ye money? Or perhaps yer tryin' t' call in a favour? Naturally enough, yer first impulse will be t' pay the blaggard a visit an start swingin' yer cutlass about. Unfortunately, though this makes ye feel better, yer no better off than ye were before because corpses be notoriously bad at payin' debts. We've all thought "there must be a better way." AND NOW THERE IS!

THE BUMPER BOOK OF THREATS is the ideal way to encourage the buggers to pay up. Simply select one o' our two 'undred standard letters and wait for the money t' roll in!

Here be a sample:

Dear Sir,

it has come to our attention that we are owed the sum of 320 Cronans by your goodselves. These monies are owed to us for our continued vigilance in ensuring that your business premises are not burned to the ground.

I had hoped that we could resolve this matter on a business footing, but your uncooperative stance makes this impossible.

Unless we receive payment in full by tomorrow evening, a large burly thug will come round and rip out your toenails with a stapel remover before hammering carpet tacks into your teeth. He will then use a large funnel to deposit a pint of broken glass into your posterior. I trust that this clarifies the matter.

From the same company that produced The Bumper Book of Threats ye can now bid for

THE BUMPER BOOK OF MYTHS, UNTRUTHS AND PLAIN LIES

Pirates are a vain lot as ye all know but never as there been such a collection of shame faced liars as the current motley bunch. This book exposes some of these liars for the sly varmints they be and hopes that these despicable blaggards are to shame faced to appear in public again. To whet yer appetite for this foine book (another lie) I enclose some of the statements which we now know to be untrue.

I know the way - Black Bart

Don't worry I won't hurt you - The Black Spot

I will return this dress to the lady that owns it - Dave L

I have never worn a wig - Walk the Plank

Eat this stew its good for you - Black Bart

I will always be faithful to you Dave L - Pirgella

You can also order this book from all good booksellers (another lie).

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Scoon - the mist-shrouded land of mystery and wonder. For centuries, the holy men of this land have crafted famed and revered fish heads. Now, the luck of this barren, fly blown island can be yours!

THE LUCKY FISH HEAD OF SCOON is more than just a lucky charm - it is the doorway to a brighter and happier future for you and your loved ones. Purchase one today, and transform your worthless existance into something tolerable.

The Lucky Fish Head is GUARANTEED to:

Increase your personal wealth by up to 40000%*Increase your lifespan by up to 200 years*Increase the length of certain bits by up to 5"*

(*buyers should be aware that "up to" includes the figure 0)

Here are some testimonies from ecstatic customers:

Squire Trelawny: The Fish Head of Scoon is easily the best purchase I have ever made - I owe everything to it. Will you now remove that gun from my head please.

The Black Spot: Since discoverin' the power o' the fish 'ead, I's made a fortune. Mind ye, that's because I'm sellin' the things to the stupid bastids - 'ere, this thing's not still on is it?

I bought 2 dozen of yer Lucky Fish Heads fer me crew. Two days later our ship ran aground on a sandbank off the Skeleton Coast of Death island four days East of the Cape of No Hope.

There be no doubt at all that if we hadn't a had the Lucky Fish Heads we would all o perished. We chucked em all into a big bowl and made em into a loverly stew which lasted us until we were rescued by a Spanish warship. After makin us dig gold for them on a Lepper colony in Colombia and sellin our bodies fer sex to a tribe of gay man eatin Indians, the Spaniards brought us home safe and sound fourteen years later, how lucky can ye get

I would recommend the Lucky Fish Heads to anyone what don't mind smellin of Fish all day.

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

Two days after the fish head arrived Oi won twenty million Dubloons in the Piratica national sweepstakes. since then me loife as been wun o unmittigated trubble, relatives Oi never new Oi 'ad ringin me up at all 'ours o the noight, worries about where ter invest me winnins so all the pirates carnt get their dirty mits on it, endless decisions about whaere ter buy me new 'ouse and what colour to get fer the furniture, should we have wall ter wall carpet or floor bords? How unlucky is that?

Then the followin week me missus was involved in a terrible mutli cart accident on the high street - 33 people were killed an she escaped without a scratch! How unlucky kin Oi be?