Wednesday, February 17, 2016

F-I-N-E

When I need a
boost of inspiration to help me express exactly what is stirring around within
me, I like to look at the Google images of quotes written across a pretty background.
Today I was sitting down to get my thoughts out of my head and decided to
type "nervous" into the search bar. I do not feel that
accurately summarizes everything I am feeling, but it is the closest word I am
able to conjure up. As I read each image, I found the words that pinpoint
my feelings right now precisely.

"Yes, I am Fine.

Freaked Out.

Insecure.

Nervous.

Emotional."

Sonzee is having her Gtube placed in a week and a half and I am
feeling ALL of the above. I play devil’s advocate multiple times a day,
telling myself why we should hold off on the surgery. Then she spends her
day sleeping or not finishing her bottles and I tell myself, "This is the
reason" we need to do it. One minute I am shopping on ETSY for the
cutesy gtube pads and accessories and the next I think how I just wasted my
money because she is not going to need them. I am freaked out because who
would not be sending their child off for a hour and a half surgery. I am
insecure because there is no way to know for sure if this is the best decision
until we give it a chance. I am nervous because surgery is risky,
complications are possible, and this disorder is not clear-cut. I am
emotional because I am female and that just comes along with the territory.

As usual, I have
tried to defer to my trusty old gut. You know the one that I am working
on believing more often. "What does your gut say?” I ask myself repeatedly. Well that
answer is loaded. There seems to come a time when it becomes tough to
clearly identify when it is your actual gut communicating with you. There
are so many factors that play a role in this decision, there are so many
considerations; like everything else, there are so many unknowns. Neither
solution comes without strings. I am torn between what I feel is the best
decision, the right decision, the most appropriate decision for the bear, and
my insecurities, nervousness, and overall emotions.

These feelings
make things down right confusing. The nervousness infiltrates my thoughts
by placing drops of doubt into the recesses of my mind. Every emotion
possible rears its ugly head in various questions, "Why on earth would I
want my baby's perfect tummy cut into?", “Is having this procedure which
requires anesthesia really necessary?", "Is this Mic-Key button even
going to work?" The answers can be given with confidence, but aren't
100%, "This tube will help give her the nutrients she needs to
grow", "YES it is necessary, provided there is not another issue as
to why she is unable to gain weight", and "YES it will work, unless
like I previously stated, there is something else going on". I try
not to ride the downward spiral game, the one that fills my mind with
contradiction and has me internally defend the decision I made 5 seconds prior.
Like a dog chasing its tail, I come full circle and say, "It is
obvious she needs this Randi, she has only gained 10 ounces in SIX
months".

The fact is that I
am FINE. I am freaked out, I am insecure, I am nervous, and I am
emotional. It is all normal, and it is just another part of being a mom.