Included in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s upcoming collection is a backpack that looks like it’s made of dead tribbles and your grandmother’s old church fur coat that you’ve been meaning to throw out for the past 20 years. This triumph of fashion can be yours for $16,900.

Not, of course, that there are prices mentioned on the site for the Olsens’ line The Row. Prices are for people who can’t afford to pay what something’s worth. You have to send an email and ask. Presumably, your email address is vetted for poor-people cooties before an answer is sent back. Now, last year the Olsens, of course, sold out of their genuine $39,000 crocodile knapsacks, so this one will probably will too. I just don’t understand why the Olsens hate animals so much. Must be some Full House-related childhood terror.

According to Us, celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe says of the sack, “The fuzzy texture on this nifty knapsack is also a fashion favourite. Perfect for pre-fall, it's never too soon to start thinking ahead for your next season's staple!" Pre-fall? What is that? And why would you need a bag made of 17 dead weasels for this season? And what do you do with the “nifty knapsack” when “pre-fall” is over?

No, as far as I can see there are very few reasons to buy this atrocity:

You want to look like you purchase all your accessories at the The Ex.

You’re spending the weekend with your vegan parents and you hate them and you want to make them angry.

You prefer your pets to live in a state of perpetual fear and dread.

Your summer job is with Billy the Exterminator.

You’re not all that bright.

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