Someone's in the house. He's watching. He's creeping round, only you can't see him. He's watching you from the walls. He's right behind you now. Looking over your shoulder. He wants the remote control. He's a bad boy. He wants to watch bad movies. Bad bad Ronald...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I really can’t stand when people in the movie business get to acting like what they do is really so damn important. It’s movies, guys! You’re entertaining us, keeping our minds off the woes of life, and treating us to some good times. That’s it. Sure, you’re opening our eyes from time to time, exposing us to the things we don’t always pay attention to, but should. Sure, you’re revealing to us worlds outside our own. And most importantly, you’re doing it all while providing us the besest looking faces and most beautiful bodies imaginable! So, um... thank you for that.But... What irks me is when I read about some blowhard saying blowhard stuff, like all of a sudden, they are the most important thing ever, just because they made a film that a bunch of people went to see. Shite like the interview in Vanity Fair, where blowhard James Cameron makes it known to all us peasants that he is the one, the only, the savior of cinema, and that no one else can or should be do anything other than exactly what he’s doing. Apparently, he thinks he owns the rights to making movies. One of the more ridiculous arguments he makes, while bashing other 3D dreck, is that Piranha 3D has cheapened the world of 3D cinema. Huh? If anything, Piranha would be cheapened without the 3D! Here’s a snipet of what Sir James in his Vanity Fair interview:Was there any sense of nostalgia when the Piranha movie came out last weekend?Zero. You’ve got to remember: I worked on Piranha 2 for a few days and got fired off of it; I don’t put it on my official filmography. So there’s no sort of fond connection for me whatsoever. In fact, I would go even farther and say that... I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but that is exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D. Because it just cheapens the medium and reminds you of the bad 3-D horror films from the 70s and 80s, like Friday the 13th 3-D. When movies got to the bottom of the barrel of their creativity and at the last gasp of their financial lifespan, they did a 3-D version to get the last few drops of blood out of the turnip. And that’s not what’s happening now with 3-D. It is a renaissance—right now the biggest and the best films are being made in 3-D. Martin Scorsese is making a film in 3-D. Disney’s biggest film of the year—Tron: Legacy—is coming out in 3-D. So it’s a whole new ballgame.Does this guy ever have his fat swollen head so far up his own hairy Na’vi blue ass, or what! Jimmy, they’re just movies. C’mon, it’s like you never heard of a genre 3D movie before. The technique was practically invented for films like this. See if these ring any bells: House of Wax, Bwana Devil, Thirteen Ghosts, It Came From Outer Space!! Hell, didn’t the 3 Stooges make a 3D comedy, too? So, let’s not get all pinched up in the nether regions, alrighty? Or, wait -- you didn’t invent 3D yourself, did you? It Came from Outer Your Ass, no? Oh. Well, forgive me. The way you’ve been hissy-fittin’ around, I thought maybe you had. Look, 3D is, afterall, just a gimmick. It always has been, and it always will be just a gimmick that makes all the eye candy just a lot more eye-gasmic. It adds nothing whatsoever to the worth or value of the story. Citizen Kane would not be a better story if the snow globe fell (seemingly) right into our laps. The saga of the Corleone family would not be more meaningful if we were convinced that Sonny’s blood had splattered all over our clothes. The testos-tremotions of Brian’s Song would not be felt anymore than it already was had we seen the tears spitting forth from the screen from Billy Dee Willams’ eyes. It’s just a gimmick. It’s just for fun!And gimmicks are something you know quite well -- right Jimmy? You know what I think cheapens the medium? Raking in enough money from your movie about your virtually built world -- which could now afford you to construct your own actual world -- and then turning right back around and re-releasing your precious Avatar just weeks after it’s bowed from theaters, and tossing in a few extra scenes --which weren’t important enough to put in the first time around, even though you had total control over the entire film -- and then making the fans pay yet another 12 bucks (before they then have to shell out, no doubt, top dollar to buy the Blu-Ray disc set... which, by the by, will then have subsequent “Special Edition” sets to roll out out every Christmas time for the next 10 years.Really, it’s just showbiz. So dry up Jimmy. It’s not like you’re saving the world with your work anyway! Oh wait. I forgot -- you and Kevin Costner have come up with the solution that will rescue us all from that tragedy of the BP oil disaster. Sorry I underestimated you... But anyway... your argument that bad horror movies, enhanced 3D, will cheapen the medium is tantamount to a chocolate syrup maker complaining that the introduction of sprinkles has cheapened the ice cream sundaeSo, just go play with your 3D toy, and quit your bellyaching. Go dip into your Titanic well for the umpteenth time, so you can bilk your audiences some more with your digitally enhanced retreads. Titanic 3D! What next? True Lies 3D? Rambo: First Blood 2:3D? Well... Look, as long as you give Kate Winslet’s nude scene the extra 3D bonanza effect, all will be forgiven.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Easily one of the most requested titles for Blu-ray™ from Anchor Bay Entertainment’s unparalleled library of horror films, Sam Raimi’s 1981 cult classic The Evil Dead will officially make its high definition debut on August 31st with The Evil Dead Blu-ray™. For the release, two all-new 1080p anamorphic transfers in 1.85 and the original director-composed 1.33 aspect ratio, have been prepared and personally supervised by director/writer Raimi, presented in high-resolution Dolby TrueHD 5.1 audio, as well as a brand new commentary track with Raimi, producer Robert Tapert and star Bruce “Ash” Campbell! In addition, many of the bonus features, released on previous DVD editions, will once again be available on a special, limited edition DVD included with the Blu-ray™. SRP is a very collectible $29.99 and pre-book is August 4th.

The Evil Dead is one of the most influential, landmark horror films of all time. Five college friends, including Ash (Campbell), drive to a remote cabin in the woods for a weekend of fun. Little do they realize that their fun will soon turn to fear, as an unstoppable supernatural force has been unleashed, surrounding and trapping them. One by one, they fall victim to the demonic forces at large, resurrected as murderous demons which can only be destroyed by dismemberment. Only Ash is left to combat the evil before it consumes the world. It’ll be a fight to the death … and to the undeath.

Friday, August 20, 2010

"He Only Likes the Pretty Ones"This little flick was simply fun to watch. I'm a great big fan of the old 70s TV Movie of the Week, and Burning Bright reminded me a whole lot of those classic small screen gems. Girl in peril forced to make life altering decisions amidst horrific scenarios!

Briana Evigan (last seen slicing through Sorority Row) plays a young woman torn between moving on with her own life after her mom's death, or staying home to take care of her younger brother. Her decision is a huge one, because her little brother is severely debilitated by his autism, and, although he doesn't comprehend it himself, he needs her. If she takes on this responsibility, she will lose out on a full-ride scholarship, and her life will be caring for her kid brother, since her step-daddy has shown no interest. He's more enamored of the idea of starting up a wildlife attraction on their huge estate. In the midst of this personal turmoil, a hurricane is threatening to hit.As the skies open up, and the winds thrash the house, the girl wakes up to find that she and her kid brother have been shuttered it by the groundskeepers. That's not so bad, though. At least she know's she's safe... until she hears a strange sound, and then finds that a tiger is roaming free in the hallways. The next hour of the film is pure perspiration. Director Carlos Brooks and Screenwriters Christine Coyle Johnson and Julie Prendiville Roux cast aside the popular need for clever piled on plot twists and keep the story moving with urgent success. From first encounter with the ferocious animal, the heroine and the audience are constantly covered in sweat. There's no hidden surprises or mystery to resolve -- the story is direct and nerve battering. This one would be impossible not to enjoy.

Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated (2009 Wild Eye Releasing)Fans of George Romero's cult classic flesh ripper are gonna be pleased to see this one. The folks at Neoflux Productions came up with a clever idea, to gather a cast of animators and illustrators to "reanimate" the B/W original, replacing the films live action footage with animation, all laid over the original soundtrack.

This one is purely for the fans, though. Not that anyone would get sick of watching the 1968 gruesome flick, but NOTLD:R gives horror fans a chance to see the 40 year old creeper with new eyes, as (re)imagined by some of the coolest artists out there.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

As I've mentioned before, I'm not that into big FX movies. So, why the hell am I looking so forward to seeing Piranha 3D?! I haven't even cared to see a 3D flick since I saw Friday the 13th: 3D... well, maybe that explains it. I still don't have a desire to see Avatar, and I probably never will (I've barred anything with James Cameron's name on it from my life).

Oh wait... I think the reason why is coming back to me. Kinda reminds me of another movie poster...

Oh yeah! That's why I went to see this flick as well. Monsters and bums! What a good reason to slap down some hard earned bucks at the local bijou. [Yes, I know Cameron was one of the directors of this film]

I gotta admit -- and I'm sure I'm not the only one here -- that my adoration of these genre flicks was nourished by their marriage of gore and girls, or more specifically girl's bods. As far as I can remember, pretty young things and nasty ghoulish things were linked, arm in bloody arm, doing the Thriller skank.

I've been watching movies all my life, and I was proud to have known the names Roger Corman, Samuel Z. Arkoff and William Castle since I was a spit in the pants. I could tell a Hammer Horror from an Amicus flick before the opening credits rolled. I saw every Vincent Price frightening flick before I was 10. And the image of Raquel Welch sporting a fur mini skirt from One Million Years B.C. was hanging from my bedpost quicker than I could rip it from my older (and very pissed off) brother's Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine.

Yes, sultry skin and torn flesh have made me who I am today. So, no bother that James "Dickweed" Cameron is the new Godfather of 3D -- I'm going to see the "feels like I'm there getting laid and having my skin chewed off" spectacle of Piranha 3D in a theater.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Horny Kids Go Into the Woods and Get Dead (oh wait, that's already taken)I was just so bored by this movie that I couldn't think of a good ay to review it. So, since the plot was so obviously cookie cutout, I decided to create a mad lib to try and reconstruct just how the creative geniiuses behind Simon Says actually came up with their highly unoriginal and uninspired story.

Let's play Mad Libs and make a horror movie!!

First, the template:

TITLE[choose a cliche title based on a kids game]

Now the story:

A bunch of [sexy adjective] kids take a road trip to the [place where kids wind up slaughtered]. Riding in the [choose a vehicle] are a [pick a heroine type], [pick a clique type], [another clique type], [another contrasting clique type], and [pick a token minority].

The kids wind up at a [scary adjective] [scary place], but don't seem to notice anything wrong. Even though the [scary adjective] [stereotypical horror bad guy] is acting real strange.

Off the kids go to (pick a place where kids get slaughtered} and proceed to [choose a sex act] or [an activity that doesn't include sex]. Soon the [stereotypical bad guy] shows up and [act of violence] all the kids with a [choose a weapon that you don't think has been used before in a horror movie].

It turns out that the [stereotypical bad guy] is [cliche verb] with the [choose the heroine], who has had [cliche horror experience] about the [stereotypical bad guy], but why, we don't know.

[Term of exasperation] the [choose heroine again] has a showdown with the [stereotypical bad guy] only to find out that the [choose a random character] is [verb of romantic overtures] with her. It's all for naught, because the [stereotypical bad guy] [violent verb] him.

The end? Nope, tack on an epilogue that [verb that reflects the boredom of the audience] until we get to the [adjective] conclusion.

CHOOSE A WEAPON THAT YOU DON`T THINK HAS BEEN USED BEFORE IN A HORROR MOVIE

STEREOTYPICAL BAD GUY

CLICHE HORROR VERB

CHOOSE THE HEROINE

CLICHE HORROR EXPERIENCE

STEREOTYPICAL BAD GUY

TERM OF EXASPERATION

CHOOSE HEROINE AGAIN

STEREOTYPICAL BAD GUY

CHOOSE A RANDOM CHARACTER

VERB OF ROMANTIC OVERTURES

STEREOTYPICAL BAD GUY

VIOLENT VERB

VERB THAT REFLECTS THE BOREDOM OF THE AUDIENCE

UNDERWHELMING ADJECTIVE

And here is the end results with the answers the producers filled in for:

Simon Says

A bunch of horny kids take a road trip to the woods. Riding in the van are a Heroine, Jock Beau Hunk, Stone, Slut, and Asian Animal Lover.

The kids wind up at a creepy country store, but don`t seem to notice anything wrong. Even though the creepy Creep is acting real strange.Off the kids go to the woods and proceed to get busy or jog. Soon the Creep shows up and hackspick ax.It turns out that the Creep is in love with the Heroine, who has had a weird dream about the Creep, but why, we don`t know.Anyhoo the Heroine has a showdown with the Creep only to find out that the Stoner is enamored with her. It`s all for naught, because the Creep torches him.

The end? Nope, tack on an epilogue that drags on until we get to the exhausting conclusion.See how you can make your own horror movie!!

Bottom line... Simon Says ain't even close to an original horror movie. But the thing is, I don't think they really cared. The filmmakers seemed to revel in their lack of inspiration and went hog wild in filth. The problem was, they didn't have near enough a sense of humor to pull past their cliches and retreads.

However, at about the 40 minute mark, the film goes nuts. Once Crispin Glover (why, Crispin?! Why!!) meets up with a band of gun toting sports, the bloody mayhem reaches extreme pleasuredome. Bodies are flying, limbs are torn, torsos are beheaded, blood is splattered -- if only the rest of the film could keep up with the great kill sequences. Oh! And be prepared for the most hilarious gore shot that I've seen in a long time, which is a shot of the aftermath of the murder of the jogger girl. And I don't mean funny in a way that it's so bad you gotta laugh, but seriously gruesomely funny. It's worth freeze-framing and staring.For a real mind boggler, check out the open credits. First you'll be wondering why Crispin is throwing his career away, but then you'll notice that the Lively sisters are listed -- Robyn, of Teen Witch fame (loved that movie!), Lori (who?) and their more famous Gossip Girl sister Blake (look even closer at the names and you'll see daddy Ernie's name in the cast and producer credits). Oddly, the Lively clan is absent until the very end of the film in very bit parts.

The family affair doesn't end there. Look close and see as Crispin's dad shows up in flashback sequences as, um... his dad. Then there's a couple Johnson brothers and Cunningham twins hanging around. And of course director William Dear has to play King Nepotism and hire his kid Oliver for not just a cameo, but to supervise the visual effects and stunts, and the special effects and do storyboards and second the second unit director.

There's also a Janelle Harshman listed in the many producer slots, but I can't tell if she's related to the star Margo Harshman. Whoever Janelle is, she should be thankful that Margo's in this flick. She's the only one who puts in a worthwhile performance (of course I'm bias, cuz I remember her fine role in Even Stevens). Where Crispin Glover is so far over the top that it almost topples over in embarrassment, Harshman keeps her character well anchored (and her clothes barely on).

Yeah, I know Crispin is a nutso kinda guy -- I've followed his career from the start, when he was a bit player in TV sitcoms and dramas -- but the guy is much better when a good director can tamp down his madness to give a more chiseled and fine performance.Watch the movie for the sudden explosion of gore and violence, and Margo's bikini top -- but not for Crispin. For a better horror performance, check him out as the tweakier geekier Mortimer in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

On October 26, Image Entertainment will release a collection of the best episodes from one of television’s most influential programs, with The Twilight Zone:Fan Favorites.This 5-DVD set contains nineteen classic episodes from the legendary series – over 8 hours of content – housed in a limited edition, collectible tin, and will be available for an SRP of $29.98.

HIGHLY ANTICIPATED ‘THE LAST LOVECRAFT’ TO KICK OFF THE TORONTO AFTER DARK FILM FESTIVAL WITH OPENING NIGHT INTERNATIONAL PREMIERE

NEW YORK, NY (August 11, 2010) – Dark Sky Films today announced that THE LAST LOVECRAFT: RELIC OF CTHULHU will have it’s international premiere at the opening night of this year’s TORONTO AFTER DARK FILM FESTIVAL. The premiere will be followed by the Festival Opening Night Party and will include appearances by the filmmakers and actors Devin McGinn and Kyle Davis.

THE LAST LOVECRAFT Int’l Premiere

Friday, August 13th

7:00pm

Bloor Cinema

THE LAST LOVECRAFT: RELIC OF CTHULHU was directed by Henry Saine and stars Kyle Davis, Devin McGinn and Barak Hardley. Kyle Davis (Friday the 13th, Men of a Certain Age) stars as Jeff, a bored guy stuck in a dead-end job whose life suddenly changes when a strange old man gives him an ancient relic and tells him he is the last descendant of H.P. Lovecraft, the revered American author of such horror/fantasy/sci-fi classics as The Dunwich Horror, The Shadow Over Innsmouth and the highly influential Cthulhu Mythos stories. Jeff and his friend Charlie embark on an adventure to protect the relic from falling into the hands of the Starspawn and his minions, who want to release the hideous cosmic entity Cthulhu back into the world.

THE LAST LOVECRAFT: THE RELIC OF CTHULHU marks the feature directorial debut of Henry Saine, whose career was launched with two hilarious short films: “Not in My Family” and “Love Royale.” It is also the writing and producing debut of Devin McGinn, who co-stars as Charlie. The talented young cast also includes Barak Hardley, Honor Bliss and Sujata Day.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Don't know what games they're playing, but this sure doesn't give the proper vibe of the movie seen in the trailer. This looks, actually, quite playful. Much like the original TV Movie was. I don't mean playful in the sense of comedy, but, using the TV Movie as a reference point, it seems to look at the horrors through more innocent eyes -- like that of the child in the illustration.

I, for one, am not looking forward to this particular remake (not that I look forward to ANY of them). I can't recall a remake that I DID enjoy (I'm talking Horror, right now).

Monday, August 2, 2010

Not really sure why I picked this movie up. Probably the cool cover. Or maybe it was the only new horror tile released that week. What ever it was -- Holy Calvin Klein!! I haven't seen so may pretty faces on my screen since The Osmond Brothers made their umpteenth appearance on the Andy Williams Show. I'm thinking of petitioning to have the title officially changed to The Abercrombie & Fitch Kids Meet the Cute Little Killer Girl.

As the plot goes (reading from the press release)... "It's graduation weekend, and Sandy Channing, the popular class president of her small-town high school, should be enjoying the time of her life. But when her friends start disappearing, Sandy discover... read more s they have unwittingly awakened the vengeful spirit of a girl they wronged long ago. Fighting for her sanity, Sandy must unlock a dark secret from her own past before it's too late."Makes you just wanna go straight out and see it, doesn't it? If you ask me, the guy who wrote this logline oughta put down the pen and start working the popcorn counter, instead. A better summery would be Final Destination meets It's a Wonderful Life. Seems more catchy, don't it?

Anyway... Apparently, there's a Fords Modeling Agency in this high school, and someone ain't too happy about it, because all the beautiful kids are getting snuffed out, one by one. On top of that, everyone is starting to forget that the kids even existed (Gasp! I wonder if their portfolios were all wiped out too!). It seems that the ghost of a little girl (Bella Thorne, rumored to be the next Twilight superstar-in-the-making) is still pretty pissed about a fatal prank that the models all played on her. I swear, some kids just can't handle a goddam joke these days!With all her foxy friends disappearing, Sandy (played by Carly Schroeder, who is killing any buzz she registered with the amazing Mean Creek) can't quite figure out why she doesn't have any friends to remember anymore. Not that they were anything but forgettable, vapid, fashion whoring, beautiful people anyway. but, for some reason, she has that nagging feeling that she's forgetting something. Most likely her go-sees, because she's too busy being chased around by her boggyfriends.

This is director Tyler Oliver's first time at the helm, and I can't say honestly that he did terrible. Can't say he did too good, either. He is, however, earnest. He clearly had his mind set on certain goals, which he achieved wholeheartedly -- that being having a movie with loads of gore FX (overloaded, actually, for a ghost story, if yer asking me), and having a cast of young ingenues who would make Larry Clark throb with envy. My advice to him, for his next flick, would be to forget-me-not the heavy FX and try and tell a decent story. Yeah, I know. Stories are for old people. Kids these days don't need story. They want girls and gore!!Okay.... you win...