Published 7:00 pm, Thursday, September 17, 2009

If you’ve got a “stalker stare” or have a tendency to inch toward people when conversing, you may be sending off a negative vibe even before speaking that first sentence.

Fortunately, said body language expert Tonya Reiman, by identifying things like intense eye contact people can harness their body language and interpret that of those around them so they’re better able to succeed in their personal and professional life.

“At times people are shocked at what their signals send,” said Reiman, who will speak at the Midland Rape Crisis and Children’s Advocacy Center’s annual fundraiser Oct. 13.

When working with groups, Reiman said she often has them share their first impressions of one another. She also finds people typically don’t understand what they’re saying simply by the way they stand or move their arms.

“We’re kind of all going through on autopilot,” said Reiman, who appears regularly on “The O’Reilly Factor” and also has been featured on Fox, “Fast Money,” “Extra” and “Access Hollywood.” “We’re blissfully unaware of what signals are being sent to us.”

When assessing other’s movements, Reiman said, she teaches people to observe a person long enough to figure out what their body language usually looks like. Then, she said, when trying to determine if a person is being truthful they can make a comparison between how they are at that point to the characteristics they’ve exhibited when addressing other issues.

“The whole goal is to figure out what’s normal for a person,” she said.

If a person suddenly looks down and doesn’t typically do so when speaking, Reiman said, that’s a cue they might be lying.

By figuring out a person’s norm, she said, people also can better learn to bond with those they’re speaking with, which can make it easier to interact with colleagues and to make friends.

“It always helps to get a repoire,” Reiman said. “Take a snapshot of that person and as they speak to you, you can mimic their responses back.”

For example, she said, she tends to speak quickly but when speaking to someone who speaks much more slowly she tries to gauge her own pace so it better matches the person she’s conversing with.

When assessing one’s own body language, Reiman said, there are a few movements that typically make people uncomfortable. Once those are identified they can be eliminated so people feel more at ease.

“It just opens up an opportunity for you to be the best you can be,” she said.

Not understanding the importance of eye contact is one of the most common ways people go wrong, Reiman said, as what people are comfortable with varies greatly.

“You never want to give somebody a stalker’s stare,” she said.

The other most common mistake is people will walk too closely to another person or step into their space when speaking, which tends to turn people off.

Reiman said she’ll teach Midlanders how to send off positive signals that can open doors for success and also will talk about other things to look for in those around them.

“I think it’s going to open up a whole new world of communication,” she said.

Funds from the event go to benefit the Midland Rape Crisis and Children’s Advocacy Center’s programs which include therapy provided to victims free of charge, advocacy for clients and education programs for the public, among other efforts. Staff and volunteers also are available 24 hours a day to accompany sexual assault victims to the hospital as they go through medical and forensic exams.

“The needs of our clients and especially our children continue to grow,” said the center’s Executive Director Betty Dickerson. “We have certainly found or realized just because the economy is down the needs are not.”

Dickerson said they don’t think incidents of abuse are necessarily up among children in recent years, but that education efforts have made it so people are more willing to talk about these issues and to seek help.

The fundraiser typically covers about 4 to 5 percent of the center’s budget, Dickerson said, though fundraising so far this year has been down.

Along with Reiman’s keynote speech, the event also will include a silent auction, a live auction for a Yorkie puppy, a raffle and other activities, as well, Dickerson said.