Listen while you read to a rough preliminary sketch of “Touch and Go”, a brand-new track slated for the Panache Orchestra’s upcoming album, “Victory Speech” (assuming that TPO stays together long enough to finish that album).

February 2013

Today (February 3, 2013) we agreed that we would remain a couple and continue with the musical project until summer. That will give me (or us, if Chi chooses to cooperate) time to implement our strategy to revive the Panache Orchestra, as well as give me a buffer so I don’t feel under quite so much pressure to have to proceed with the divorce at an uncomfortably rapid pace. The dead of winter is an especially shitty time to throw someone out anyway, and this will also give me time to get a realistic plan together for dismantling Panache House, should the worst-case scenario play out in which I have to cut and run. I do need to proceed according to the assumption that this is NOT going to work, however, in order to avoid simply dragging out the existing situation without it changing.

Well, since Chi and I made that decision he’s been all sweetness and light (surprise!), at least for now. We’ll see if it sticks. We resumed nightly rehearsals again, and he has conspicuously modified his behaviour toward me when we work together. I didn’t think he had it in him, but maybe I short-changed him. He also said he is planning on quitting smoking weed too. It will be interesting to see how that plays out. I am at this time refraining from asking him to please, for god’s sake, clean up the mess he’s made of the living room for fear that it will be too much at this present time.

Oh well…the peace (or “relative calm”) lasted until Monday evening (Feb. 11) when I went for dinner/drinks with my workout buddies for a couple hours after the day job and he did his usual thing of throwing a tantrum and pouting all evening after I came home, railing at me for “breaking my promise” to work harder on our music, etc., etc. He does this practically every. fucking. time. that I try to do anything for myself that doesn’t directly benefit him in an immediate, obvious way, and particularly so on the exceedingly rare occasions that it involves getting out of my isolated prison and meeting with friends. Another reminder that I have to get out of this marriage before I go completely fucking mad!

On Tuesday (February 19) when I came home from the day job, we did an uneventful rehearsal in which he gave no indication that a major incident was brewing. Then as usual, I began preparing dinner and he began his personal practicing, but the sounds emitting from the living room were unequivocally ugly, violent and toxic. It sounded just like the prelude to this incident that occurred almost exactly a year earlier, and at that moment it became crystal-clear: That’s IT! He. Has. To. Go. NOTHING is worth suffering like this. It’s a fucking shame that our musical project will almost surely die in the wreckage, but I can’t do this anymore. Somewhat strangely, within mere minutes of writing these words, Chi attacked me in the infamous 19 February Incident that came to represent the definitive end of our marriage!