Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Warsfranchise, and today is the second part of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope:

What the fuck is that thing just hanging around? A sandboni? Or electric jellyfish?

Cate Blanchett:

Those are Viet Cong Man o’ Wars.

(A+ to the people who got that.)

Colin:

Psh. Like we haven’t see The Aviator.

A++

And is that a radar tower in back?

They can’t go after R2 tonight because of the “sand people.”

Colin:

Too dangerous to go out at night because of all the Sand People. I’ll just leave that.

They’re called Egyptians, Luke.

What an awesome place to live. Seriously. I will never get over this.

There’s just an open door that leads to nowhere. That’s amazing. People who do parkour must be nutting everywhere looking at this.

Colin:

No, keep this shot going so we can hear how high Uncle Owen’s voice gets with each successive time he calls Luke’s name.

Uncle Owen is starting to sound like Uncle Vernon.

Aww… they’re both dead.

Where the fuck do you grow that stuff, Beru? Tell me. Please.

That’s awesome.

This totally is a space western. Guy up on the ridge, watching the hideout.

“Nah, chill, son. They might be civilians.”

“Come on, let me kill ‘em!”

More like ChewBACKa!

ChewBACKa!

ChewBACK…

Cause he’s riding on its back.

Yeah, you get it.

Colin:

In retrospect, Sand People look a lot like those guys that save Clooney, Jonze and Ice Cube from the gas attack in Three Kings. But it’s comical how fast they run to the bantha and then how slow the bantha turns around.

Just don’t call them dune coons.

That Snuffleupagus looks like George Clinton.

3PO is the Stephen of this movie.

Colin:

Aw…but he got with three maintenance droids!

Proto-call me maybe.

Jesus, look at this Uncle Tom. (Can’t use that phrase seriously anymore without thinking of Voldemort.) He’s still got the fucking restraint bolt on his chest.

(Maybe Uncle Jar is the correct phrase for this universe, anyway.)

(I’m also hoping I made an “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” joke in those articles when we brought up the Gaunt house.)

This is also great – R2’s like, “There are people following us,” and Luke’s like, “Sand people… the worst.”

He’s so racist.

And then he picks up a broom to chase them with.

Look at him – “Come on! It’ll be fun. We’ll beat up some sand niggers.”

Seriously, Luke, this isn’t okay. You can’t just go around calling these things “sand people.”

Colin:

He’s a Gryffindor, for sure.

So what do those things eat?

Banthas. Apparently. That’s what they’re called.

Like that guy who played for the Patriots?

Tully Bantha-Cain?

SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!

This is exactly like the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers movie.

Colin:

It’s a good thing this whole planet’s a giant litter box, cause Luke just shat everywhere.

These Tusken Raiders really like raising their sticks up high. This is like an old video game battle. Some Mike Tyson’s Punch Out shit. You just learn the person’s rhythms. Like, “Okay, he strikes three times with the staff, then he backs up, then he strikes once more, then he raises it up in the air and shakes it five times, and that’s when I have time to strike.”

Is it weird that I’d rather look at shots like this instead of all the other stuff that’s going on?

Good job, R2, just hide in the cave.

Also, we’re all aware of how much this looks like The Searchers, right?

Puerto Ricans. Am I right?

This is what I do to small children in my spare time.

Just run up in a robe, like, “OOOOOAOAOAHAAHAAAAA!” and make them run away.

It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.

Dude, are you seriously still knocked out? Stop acting like a bitch and get up, Luke. For christ’s sake, they’re RAIDERS. It’s not like you got knocked out by a winning team.

And now you’re gonna get raped. This is what happens when you can’t control your own consciousness.

“In nominee Patris…”

Oh shit, it’s Alec Guinness.

62 at the time of filming this movie, which makes Luke… almost 30? Something like that? But I’m sure the actual timeline has Obi-Wan at like, 50-something and Luke at a crisp 19, right? I’m totally guessing, but I already know that’s what it is. Cut 5-10 years off an actor’s age and that’s what they play, and Luke is the main character, and has to be between 18 and 21. And since all his friends are at the academy and he’s not, I’m gonna guess 19.

How close am I, Star Wars people? (That’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. I know I’m right. I know movies. I know what it is before you even confirm it.)

(Note: I did look it up after I finished my notes. I’m totally right.)

Colin:

(You were right.) Also, Obi-Wan was born 57 years before this, so he’s not THAT much older than he’s supposed to be. Although, you look at Guinness and think, “57? Eh….”

Hard to think this is exactly 20 years after Bridge on the River Kwai.

That hairpiece isn’t helping.

Out of context screenshots.

Ha ha.

I’m ruining so many people’s days right now. I love it.

Luke explains about R2 looking for him and shit.

“He claims to be the property of an Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

“Obi-Wan – now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.”

Every time I hear that line, I think of, “‘That’s a noise,’ grinned the Grinch, ‘I simply must hear!’”

“I haven’t gone by the name Obi-Wan since before you were born.”

Pretty sure a scene in Episode III is gonna negate that.

Colin:

Well, technically, yes. But not really.

Technically yes means yes.

(I’d make a great judge in a fascist state.)

I also love how he’s like, “I don’t remember ever owning a droid.”

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

But why doesn’t he remember R2, exactly?

Colin:

So here’s something that I’ll bring up, knowing full well that it’s been brought up countless times elsewhere and has probably been answered. Why doesn’t Obi Wan remember R2? They’ve gone through so much shit together. Is Obi Wan having dementia? I can’t see why he would have to pretend to not know R2, either.

After having watched Revenge of the Sithbefore answering this question — I truly think he did nothing but drink for the past twenty years. What the fuck else are you gonna do on this Force-forsaken rock, talking to a ghost named Gin for twenty years?

Colin:

Technically, his name is Jinn. And technically yes is yes.

Obi-Wan says they gotta get indoors. “The sand people are easily startled.”

You racist fucks.

You stupid fuck. How do you lose an arm?

Colin:

Yes, let’s save C-3PO. I’m sure the Force is out of the question right now, so let’s heft this human-sized hunk of metal.

Honestly, the one argument that can be made for him keeping 3PO during these movies is, “Well, I paid for him.”

Nice place.

Why you’d need a fireplace in a desert is beyond me, but still…

You can fix an arm that quickly, huh?

Anyway, Obi-Wan says Luke’s father fought in the Clone Wars, even though Uncle Owen only told Luke he was a navigator on a spy ship.

Colin:

Spices. Spice ship.

Star Warsshould have a character who only speaks in an offensive Italian accent and says, “That’s-a spicy meat-a-ball!”

I think we’d all prefer that to Jar Jar.

“You fought in the Clone Wars?”

(Is that really a badge of honor, after having seen that movie?)

“Bitch, please.”

He says how Luke’s father was pretty awesome, back in the day.

They’d go out drinking, bang some bitches, kill some sand people, maybe even jerk off on some trees, if there was time. Then there was that one time he killed a hooker by Force choking her during sex and made Obi-Wan dig the hole by himself.

“And he was a good friend.”

(Really? After having seen the prequels, he seems like he was a douchebag.)

“A lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster.”

I was gonna say, “Yeah, but you can’t kill people from far away with it,” but in this franchise, you can’t do that with a blaster either.

Also, pick up a handgun and then pick up a full weight sword. You tell me which one is clumsier.

Why the fuck would you open it that way?

What if he just opened it and took Obi-Wan’s head off right now? Just, boom, dead.

Because that’s basically what he was fixing to do.

“Elegant weapon of a more civilized age.”

This has western and samurai comparisons all over it.

The Jedis used to be the ones who kept peace and order in the galaxy. “Before the dark times. Before the Empire.”

Can I just say how big a fan I am that they started in the middle of this story? You know how boring this franchise would have been if they started with Episode I? I can’t believe no other franchise has tried that nowadays. I mean, sure, you’d get the inevitable, “Oh, so you’re just copying Star Wars” thing, but even so – it just makes shit more interesting instead of having the whole origin story thing explained to you. Plus, like the prequels, you do it that way, all the stuff in the backstory becomes revelatory and more interesting. Like, “Oh, so that’s where that came from.” It’s amazing to me that no one’s ever tried this again.

You know why that is? I bet you I know exactly what that is:

Hollywood can’t think past the formula. And they sure as hell can’t and won’t let someone create an entire universe like this with the freedom to come up with a story and tell it how they want. Which is a shame. I think it would be really interesting to be thrown into a story in the middle, and then have them work forward with the ability to also work backward whenever they wanted. Especially if the story is also worth telling.

Colin:

It’s sad that the closest I can think to them doing this these days, with older movies and then more recent prequels, is with Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Prometheus.

(Note: They’re not close at all. In case anyone actually thinks they are. They’re not even remotely in the same country as what I’m talking about. I was gonna make a joke, but I actually don’t want people to think those two are acceptable in terms of what I’m suggesting.)

“How did my father die?”

“Auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

(But actually, though. Right?)

“A young Jedi named Darth Vader — who was a pupil of mine, until he turned to evil – helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi knights.”

“He betrayed and murdered your father.”

This line would have been better if it was, “A young Jedi named Darth Vader killed him.”

Fits a lot better with the truth than, “Betrayed and murdered.” Because… nope.

He also says that the Jedi are all but extinct and that Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.

All I hear is rape. So far everything I see tells me these people are both racists and rapists.

Colin:

Hamill’s acting here is so bad it’s almost funny. But Guinness is around to even things out, so it’s okay.

The funny thing about it is that Guinness had no idea what the fuck this was about and was completely derisive of the franchise (with good reason), since this is all young people knew him from, and not from his actual good shit.

Colin:

Well, that’s just young people being dumb. Like how Ernest Borgnine did amazing shit his whole life, and then like two years ago at a thing, none of the young people knew who he was until he told them he was the voice of Mermaid Man on Spongebob. These things happen. It’s sad, but they happen.

Actually, I think he said BASEketballwas the one people remembered him from, or rather, would come up to him and talk about.

But it doesn’t change the fact that Guinness had no idea what the fuck was going on and wasn’t really acting here. Kind of like most older actors in these kinds of franchises. Like Michael Gambon in the Pottermovies. He had no clue what was going on.

Colin:

Even Ewan McGregor didn’t have a clue. During his Top Gear interview, he was trying to tell a story and describe what part of which movie they were filming, and he was like, “Eh, it was some shit with…aliens or something. I dunno.” And it was clear that not only did he not have an in-depth knowledge of the plot, but he’d probably only seen the movies at their premieres and then never again. Which is hilarious because he showed how he carries around a photo of himself as Obi-Wan in case he ever gets stopped at a border crossing or something. He just holds up the photo and goes, “See? You know him! That’s ME.”

Which brings me back to that point I (hopefully) made in the other articles — I want to go up to actors and film it and ask them what they actually think those movies they did were about.

Wouldn’t that be a great web series or set of comedy shorts? What actors think their movies are about.

But yeah, apparently the Force is an energy field created by all living things. Which is hilarious, since that’s gonna become a huge point of contention when Lucas fucks with it in the prequels.

I never really understood the point of the Force. Seems a lot like the magic water in Space Jam. Some Zen Buddhist shit that basically boils down to concentrating and doing shit, as well as having faith in some sort of mystical power. Because if you’re really using the Force, you’re either raping someone, or beating the shit out of them, or beating the shit out of them before you rape them. Either way – not really something I condone. At least magic provides results. This is just something people talk about that ultimately comes down to luck and/or skill in the end.

Not to mention, the use of the Force seems like it would be kind of selfish. If it’s the energy field created by all life, and you’re using it, that means you’re like, “Nah, I need more of this shit right now. My use of the Force is more important than everyone else’s right now. I gotta make sure that blue chick at the bar goes home with me tonight.” How does the universe regulate use of the Force? Can it? Or is that what being a Jedi is all about? Learning to basically steal universe energy and make it do what you want? This all seems like some shady business to me. I don’t trust it.

Colin:

This is a rather expansive topic, but the way it’s meted out to people is through Force sensitivity.

I bet the Force is very sensitive.

Colin:

Han is not Force sensitive (or any kind of sensitive, really) so he can’t make use of the Force. But Force sensitive beings are able to do it. In this respect, it’s a lot like magic in the Harry Potter universe. Some kids are born Force sensitive from non-sensitive parents, but most of the time it’s hereditary. And there certainly is a feeling of them getting power from the universe around them, but it’s all very philosophical, and at any rate, it’s no worse than Goku using a Spirit Bomb. It’s not like someone using the Force drains surrounding people of their power. I see it more like Harry Potter magic, where it’s like an immense sea of power that’s seemingly endless and the only difference between magical (Jedi) and non-magical (non-Force sensitive) people is the ability to tap into it and understand how it works.

First — Goku using a Spirit Bomb is still taking away from the energy of everything else. Conservation of energy. The minute this shit becomes science, there’s rules against it. But when it’s magic — you can explain it by saying, “It’s magic.” It’s the energy of the universe, which means, by definition, the use of the Force is taking away from the energy somewhere else. Hence, selfish.

Colin:

Yeah, it’s energy of the universe, but not ACTUAL energy. Not like, coming from a sun or something. It’s spiritual energy. It transcends the physical universe. Hence the Zen/chi/Shinto/Taoist thing.

But it’s being manifested in some sort of physical form. Which makes it actual energy, which brings it back to my original point of — it’s coming from somewhere.

And then the Jedi being able to use it — it seems like a “Chosen People” sort of thing. And makes me see the Jedi as a really narrow-minded group of people, in that they choose only to focus on learning certain parts of the Force. I believe I say this later on with Palpatine — he has a point about the Jedi. Why not learn the Dark Side too? Seems like a morals kind of thing more than anything. Like, the Dark Side is premarital sex and drugs stuff (which are pretty awesome), but the moral right (politically, not ideologically, though they like to think it’s both) doesn’t want you to partake.

The reason I can’t get behind it as being like Harry Potter magic is because of how vaguely it’s used in the films. “I see you have a great knowledge of the Force.” Why, because you can block Force lightning and shoot it back at him? We only see about three or four Force tricks. In the first Pottermovie, we’d learned more spells than that (even though Harry didn’t use them). So the Force still seems like all that stuff I said up there. Not totally buying it.

The Jedi exist as a religion, and that’s not okay, based on what they make them do. I can buy believing in the Force and stuff, because that, on its own, amounts to Buddhism, which is a completely okay way of faith by me. But the rest of it — not a fan.

Colin:

The religion part is actually what makes it partially acceptable as a concept to me. As with any religion, there are sects (and these come out in the films, although certain characters do contradict themselves or oscillate from time to time on which position they subscribe to) — belief in the Force as Light and Dark, belief in a Living Force, and belief in a Unifying Force. The Light and Dark bit is pretty commonly accepted because it figures so prominently in the films, but there are those who view the Force as simply the medium binding the universe. They take the existentialist position that the Force cannot be good or evil; only its practitioners’ usage of the Force can be construed in moral terms, and even then the distinction is subjective.

This group (like Yoda, for instance) are most concerned with the Force’s ability to show future events for interpretation and reaction. The Living Force group (Qui-Gon, et al) are most concerned with living in the moment and trusting instincts. They view themselves as vessels for the Force to act with, rather than using it for their own pursuits.

But basically, you should consider it like chi or something like that. There’s a sense in which your strength with the Force is derived from your connection to the universe, but it still flows from within — you will tire after using the Force constantly. It’s not like Obi-Wan uses the Force to summon the TV remote to his hand and somewhere else in the universe someone gets a bit more tired.

If the effects of the Force last over four hours, call a doctor.

That was never my point, though, that he’s making someone more tired by his use of the Force. I’m saying that there’s a finite amount of Force to go around, and if one person is using it, then somewhere, there’s less Force energy to be used. Which is more of a theoretical statement in that, if there were a lot of people who knew how to use the Force, at some point, there wouldn’t be enough. So if it’s being selfish to anything, it’s being selfish to the universe, which goes back to us, as people, selfishly thinking we are better than the world we live in and killing all its resources. I think that’s why I have a problem with it, because it reeks of that. They’re just taking from the universe. Of course, each person’s use of it is different, but, core concept — it annoys me for all these reasons. That, the religion thing — it’s like the movie pet peeves. Little things add up. I completely buy the different interpretations and all that, but there are just parts of it that bug the shit out of me.

Colin:

I don’t find it particularly fair that some beings are attuned to the ways of the Force and that some are not, but that’s the same as it is in the Harry Potter universe. What sets the good guys apart from the bad in both universes is a commitment to helping the weak rather than ruling over them. Even Ron Weasley is infinitely more powerful than a random muggle, but that’s just the way it is.

I’m on that Unifying Force side of people being defined by how they use the Force, not “which” Force they choose to study. Luke experiences anger in these films and shows his dark side a bit; they don’t really have time for anyone to make a FULL flip except Anakin, but the idea is that anyone could slip from one “side” to the other at a moment’s notice. I’m betting more of this will occur in the new movies, since it happens on the regular in extended. Everyone (including Luke Goodie-Two-Shoes Skywalker) goes dark at some point.

I’m actually cool with that. My only issue with that is that they have such a self-righteous way of talking about it. Like, once you go Dark Side, you never go back.

Colin:

The one issue I have is that as a religion, someone who is sufficiently spiritual should be able to gain a knowledge of the Force and become Force sensitive. I hate that Lucas made it a partially biological thing, especially since it isn’t relegated to any single species. Only the few with high midichlorian counts are able to make use of the Force? It can be innate, but this physiological derivation of spiritual power detracts from the character aspect.

Sort of like how in X-Men: First Class, Xavier gets paralyzed with a bullet. I don’t know if that was decided from the comics or what, but whoever wrote it got that wrong. Professor X’s inability to walk emphasizes his detachment from the physical and therefore highlights his psychic abilities — whatever led to his paralysis should underscore that.

He actually got a giant stone dropped on him by a guy named Lucifer in the comics. So…

Colin:

I was expecting a young Xavier with still underdeveloped skills to psychically overexert himself in some way, causing his body to react negatively and leave him without the use of his legs, which would be an internal, character-driven development. Instead, it was a ricochet bullet, which is about as external as they come.

In the same way, one’s relationship with the Force should be founded upon some deeper level of understanding or merit rather than an external factor like a high midichlorian count. It can be innate in some people, but regular people who are willing to devote their lives to spiritual study should be able to attain at least a rudimentary command of some Force powers. That would be in tune with the idea of the Force flowing from within (which is established) and act sort of like Gohan teaching Videl to fly, even though she’s a normal person.

“Anyway, now that all that exposition’s out of the way, let’s check out this R2 unit.”

This is great – he’s like, “Let’s see what you’re all about,” and taps him on the head three times. And Luke starts explaining, like, “There’s a message, but it won’t seem to play,” and Obi-Wan’s like, “I seem to have found it,” and is already past the DVD menu and opening credits.

“General Kenobi, years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars, now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack, and my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Oh, I get it. And Luke is the NEW hope. It all makes sense now!

(Also — Obi-Wan never serves Organa ever. He’s always dispatched by the Jedi council. And at the end, it’s Yoda who tells him where to go and what to do. Hooray, continuity!)

(Also, how come her father is the only one who knows how to retrieve it? Seems like Luke figured it out, and he ain’t even part of this shit yet.)

“Dat ass.”

This is a fucking soap opera, is what this is.

(And we’ve already taken care of the amnesia part!)

“You must learn the ways of the Force.”

No joke, this is actually what happens in the movie, these series of shots. Nobody says anything and they’re just sitting there. Just silence, and then, “You must learn the ways of the Force.”

It’s like that moment in The Godfather right after we see Woltz find the horse head in his bed. We cut to a shot of Marlon Brando just sitting there, and there’s a good couple of seconds before he goes, “Now tell me about this Sollozzo fella.” It’s just dead space that’s just kind of there.

The only thing is — I can explain that one.

He wants him to learn the Force so he can come to Alderaan. Luke’s like, “Nah, I’m not doing that.”

It’s amazing how the Hero’s Journey always has the Hero wanting to go out and do more, but when faced with the initial opportunity to go out and do more, they’re suddenly like, “I can’t do that.”

Colin:

This is the red pill or blue pill moment. And Luke goes for the blue pill (one-way ticket to Big Dickville!) until he gets the red one shoved down his throat.

“I need your help, Luke. She needs your help.”

(You asshole. Are you really using his attraction to her to get him to help you?)

(Also, look at his clothes. Those are the clothes of an old alcoholic.)

“I’m too old for this shit.”

Not wrong franchise. He legit says that.

Anyway, Luke acts like a bitch, and Obi-Wan’s like, “Stop acting like such a pussy and learn about the Force.”

Force pressure.

Eventually Luke says he can take him as far as Lordsburg, but after that, he’s on his own. He’ll have to hop a stage all the way to Tombstone, so he can get out of Dodge.

Colin:

Lordsburg. Wow. It’s amazing to me that Stagecoach was only 38 years old when this movie was made. And it’s been 36 years since this movie was made, so they were looking at that the way we look at this. Jam.

This has nothing to do with anything, but they made a TV remake of Stagecoachin 1986 with the Highwaymen as the main characters. Willie Nelson was Doc Holliday (who wasn’t even fucking in that movie), Kris Kristofferson was Ringo, Waylon Jennings was Hatfield (the John Carradine part), and Johnny Cash was Curly, the marshal, they guy who rides atop with Andy Devine in the original.

I just thought that was really interesting. That exists.

“You must do what you feel is right.”

Manipulative motherfucker.

Colin:

Meanwhile, the person saying this line is plotting either your demise or some way to con you into doing what you don’t feel is right.

Colin:

What the hell is that? Looks like a small moon.

Telling you — we shouldn’t be seeing this now. Total miscalculation by Lucas. We know he loves his reveals, too. So it’s weird that he wouldn’t use this as this film’s big reveal.

Boardroom meeting!

Strolling in like badasses. Fuck yo staff meeting. We show up when we wants to.

Muffdaddy T (aka Grand Moff Tarkin) says the Emperor dissolved the last of the Imperial Senate.

(After, what? 19 years? How does it take you almost 20 years to disband a senate?)

Peter Cushing is awesome.

Colin:

If you ever want your characters to sound creepily evil, give them smarmy British accents. And as for the ringleader, Peter Cushing was the PERFECT choice to play Grand Moff Tarkin. He was also a good friend of Christopher Lee, who later played Count Dooku.

I’ll never forget a line Peter Cushing has in one of my favorite movies — The Beast Must Die(amazing blaxploitation B-movie from 1973. Michael Gambon is in it too) — where someone’s explaining something to him and they trail off and go, “… well, you know what they say,” and he just goes, “I don’t know who they are or what they say.” It’s such a great response. Especially because it’s Peter Cushing saying it.

But yeah, watch that movie. It has a Werewolf Break. They literally stop the film for an entire minute while you try to guess which character the werewolf is.

But yeah, Boss Tanaka says the battle station is vulnerable if the plans for it were stolen and a weakness is found. Since it’s not yet finished being built and all (after 20 years. Who’s building this thing, Terrence Malick?). But he’s like, “Fuck it – we got it, let’s use it.”

Colin:

I don’t know what he’s getting at here. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force? And? This planet-destroying laser is still something to be excited about. Besides, let’s see you use the Force and destroy a planet. Go for it. I’m waiting.

I’m also confused about how little people seem to know about the Jedi and what they were. He calls it “that ancient religion,” but only 20 years earlier, you have hundreds of Jedi all over the galaxy and even working with the early stages of the Galactic Empire. Remember in the bar scene on Coruscant when Anakin just says, “Jedi business, go back to your drinks,” as though they’re everyday cops? And now they’re treated like the Incas or something.

What have you done for me lately?

Also, why does this guy have paint swatches on his chest?

This is awesome. He just calmly starts walking over to him.

“What were you saying there? I can’t hear you over the sound of me Force choking you to death.”

It’s so much more badass if someone calmly gets up and walks over to the person slowly before they punch them in the fucking face. That was brilliant.

If I were a Jedi, I’d probably Force choke myself a little bit when I masturbated.

Some women must like a little Force choking in the bedroom.

Colin:

David Carradine was a little too strong with the Force.

Auto-erotic As-Force-iation?

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

This might be what Catholicism is missing.

Though I’d hate to be there when a priest argues that he uses “the Force” instead of “force.”

“Enough of this. Vader — release him.”

“Whatever, motherfucker. He started it.”

Colin:

As we can see here, Vader’s kind of a lackey. He doesn’t rule shit.

When you can choke someone from across the room, you rule ALL shit.

I love that look. He ain’t sorry.

(I really want to know what he has in his pocket.)

Gollum:

What has it got in its pocketses?

They disappear just like Grand Theft Auto people.

Jawa dead.

Here’s an idea: Jawa-wanna Man.

Obi-Wan’s like, “Nah, this shit ain’t sand people.” (Seriously, though, with the fucking racism. I guess that’s just what they called them back then.)

“Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.”

(Is that a joke?)

But why would Imperial Stormtroopers want to fuck up Jawas?

Colin:

Sounds like the Galactic Empire has devised a Final Solution to the Jawish Question. There are too many parallels between Nazi Germany and the Galactic Empire to not go there.

We’re about to see another one in a couple minutes when Luke gets back.

Luke’s like, “Well shit, that means they could have figured out whom they sold the robots to.”

Oh no, Auntie Em an Uncle Henry are in trouble.

It’s less badass when you don’t one-hop it.

Colin:

I never noticed how long it takes Luke to get into the speeder after Obi-Wan tells him it’s too dangerous. Go or stay, just hurry up and do either of those.

Obi-Wan looks like he has a giant fart cloud behind him.

I like how Obi-Wan doesn’t even move. That’s when you know you’re a badass. “I ain’t gotta move for nobody, motherfucker.”

Still no pope.

I love this – someone returns home to a pile of wreckage and they shout for people, as if they’re magically alive and are gonna be like, “Hey Luke! We’re over here! Stormtroopers came and burned the place down. It was exciting!”

They’ll be fine.

Kuleshov Effect.

You could probably still get some meat off that femur. I guess it depends on how hungry you still are.

Acting. Thank you.

Property value just went down.

(Also, when he leaves, how does that work? Do they just abandon the house and sell it? Are there squatters? What ends up happening with that cool ass house?)

(Also, I thought you were harvesting moisture. Why is your house on fire?)

What’s with all the sex torture devices in this movie? Who makes this stuff?

Acme?

“You might as well call me Katrina, cause my panties are SOAKED!”

“Oh, baby, Imma fuck you four ways from Primeday.”

Colin:

I…I just can’t.

What’s funny is that I knew that and yet had to look up what the name of the sand people were. I actually was gonna call them and the Jawas Ewoks until I looked it up. I legit didn’t remember the difference between the three.

And yet I knew Primeday.

That was my Star Wars knowledge in a nutshell, right there.

But I would like to point out — it’s basically my goal every time I make a joke to try to elicit this response from Colin. Either that or a, “Oh NO!” If I do that then I know I’m on the right track. Because that means what I said is both horribly offensive and really funny. Which I like. Because, as Colin once pointed out to me, “You really have a fifth sense for offensive jokes.”

She want it willingly.

That’s a pretty sinister shot. Close the door on a rape, and just pan down to a dude walking away.

Colin:

I have no trouble getting on board with how sinister these guys are. A lot of it is the music. I think the music is like 80 percent of how good a lot of these scenes are – they work, but with the music, they’re so much better.

This reminds me of that scene in Thunderballwhere Largo clearly rapes Domino.

Also weird that these movies are only 12 years apart.

Dude, 3PO, who are you, Hagrid? What the fuck are you doing?

Oh shit – they’re burning the bodies. That’s fucked up.

Colin:

Considering that Jawas are some of the worst-smelling things in the galaxy and are only bearable because of their anti-odor cloaks, I feel like burning them is gonna make a nasty smell.

Wait, there’s such a thing as anti-odor cloaks? Why don’t they make those in this universe? Why can’t we make those for homeless people?

Or shit, for everyone. If I had clothes that don’t smell, we could all actually roll out of bed, not shower and go to work and no one would know the difference.

Also, here’s a question I’ve always had, that I like to ask whenever I get the chance — where exactly do homeless people acquire all those giant clear bags they use to collect cans?

Making some Jawapenos.

“Ehh.”

“You’d have been killed too if you were there. So you might as well come take lessons from me then. I’ll split the insurance money with you.”

No podraces going on, I guess? The Empire has pretty much shut them down by now, but the Boonta Eve Classic must still be going. Shout out to my boys Mars Guo and Bullseye Navior.

Podracing is the NASCAR of this universe.

This was all totally there in the original. Totally.

Nope. All there in ’77.

Think you got enough in the frame there, George?

Oh, for fuck’s sake, George!

They ask how long they’ve had the droids.

“As long as my dick, motherfucker.”

“License and registration.”

“You don’t need to see his identification.”

“We don’t need to see his identification.”

“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

“These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.”

“He can go about his business.”

“You can go about your business.”

“Move along.”

“Move along.”

I’d hate to be that guy later. “Fuck… those WERE the droids I was looking for! How could I be so stupid?!”

He hung himself, that guy. I hope you’re happy, Obi-Wan.

Colin:

I want this power. You can keep the Force jumping and the picking up stuff with your mind and all the other powers that come with the Force. I have always loved the Jedi mind trick. There’s no shortage of weak-minded people out there, and life is just easier if you can tell them all what to do. I could have a whole series about this power. Idiotproof. I know who I’d use it on first. Mike knows, too. But I just needed to get this out of the way. I dream about having this power, to this very day.

I do still want to know what constitutes “weak-minded.” Cause some of these guys are presumably still Jango Fett clones, although most of them are regular non-clone conscripts by now. I guess Obi-Wan got lucky with a dumb one.

Seriously, George. What the fuck are you doing?

Also, is that the Mako cannon back there?

Now I’m thinking about what homeless people on this planet look like.

Colin:

Okay, that’s CLEARLY another Nubian Astromech droid like R2. The exact same shape and design, just a different color cap. (What’s with the cap?) But it’s strange this would be here, cause they’re somewhat rare, from Naboo, and this is an Outer Rim world.

As we get out of the vehicle, C-3PO expresses his general dislike of Jews.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

That dinosaur is smiling at us.

Hey Arnold!

This looks like Thanksgiving at my house.

“I fucking love you, man.”

“I fucking love you, too.”

“You wanna hit this shit, man?”

Plant shit.

Colin:

I literally cannot hear the word “plant” without following it with “shit” in my head. And when someone’s having a salad? “Why you eat dat plant shit?”

He’s talking, of course, of William Jennings Bryan’s famous “Cross of Gold” speech.

“Damn it,” 3PO thinks to himself. “This isn’t a gay bar!”

Only one guy is wearing the official “space” suit.

Pretty sure 8/10 date rapes happen in this bar.

He knows what I’m talking about.

Colin:

It’s Kardue’sai’Malloc! Or Labria, for short. I’m a big fan of the Devaronians, although he ain’t as cool as Vilmarh Grahrk.

Is he a Labria Minora or a Labria Majora?

Colin:

This place can be a little rough – if you’re not a fan of space klezmer.

What comes out of those spit valves?

This might literally be what’s known as “cruising for a bruising.”

Must his lightsaber be hanging down by his dick?

(Also, look at that fucker at the table. That’s awesome. He is either Italian or Greek. There are no other possibilities.)

“We don’t serve their kind around here.”

Colin:

It’s hilarious to me that this bartender is racist against droids. And I thought for a second that it was just a thing to get them out of the scene, but when I looked him up, he actually hates droids. Which is funny because there are droids EVERYWHERE in this universe. But for that matter, it’s fine that you don’t “serve their kind here,” but if you did, what would you serve a droid? Do they get a cup of oil or something?

Did a droid kill his wife or something?

Does this mean he’s fighting with the Vietnamese?

“Sorry man. Later on we’ll hit up West Hollywood.”

Colin:

And he heartily agrees. C3PO ain’t trying to get lynched.

He might be trying to see central booking, though.

Oh, someone’s got eyes for him.

Oh dear god it’s Uncle Roy.

Aunt Gladys?!

“Don’t mess with him, man. His parents just died, he had his balls cut off. He just got over a bad case of dicktheria. Ever see a dick shoot out pus? It’s not fun.”

Alrighty, then.

Gunfighter, baby.

Colin:

This is clearly trying to be a western, but they screwed it up. Luke does nothing to offend this guy. The archetypal gunfighter isn’t going after kids that look harmless unless they did something, like spill booze on the guy’s boots or something. No badass just walks up to some kid and gets into a conversation like this. They’re looking for bigger badasses to take down for bragging rights.

And if you say they’re actually cowardly, then why are they picking a fight that’ll get them in more trouble than they’re already in? Luke should have done something here, like spill his booze or accidentally trip the guy. This shows that he’s out of his element and sets up the scene for what’s about to happen.

And why does the guy turn down Obi-Wan’s offer of a drink? You can kill them, sure, but get the free drink first. Always get the free drink first.

From the angle, it always looked like this was an empty sleeve with a fake hand on the end. Which – yeah, that’s probably what it is. There’s a lot of blood, though, which is weird, because the lightsaber is supposed to cauterize the wound. They go back and forth with this in the franchise. It’s fine here, since they hadn’t really established the whole “plasma sword” concept just yet and probably wanted the blood for effect. But in the Phantom Menace duel, we have Qui Gon getting a lightsaber through his vitals with no blood, but then when Maul gets cut in half like two minutes later, blood sprays. Oh well.

“Anyone else got a problem with my friends?”

Colin:

Obi Wan got a BIG OLE DICK!

“Han Solo. I’m captain of the Millennium Falcon.”

Colin:

The band just switched to easy listening/on hold music.

“You’re listening to 97.5, WTRA, The Tat. I’m your host Brav Starwind, and we’ll be right back with the smooth sounds of the Max Rebo Band.”

“Yeah you are.”

It’s hard to tell who’s more turned on right now.

Han says he hears they’re looking for passage to Alderaan.

(How does he know this so soon? Did Chewie come over and whisper it or something? Can Chewie even whisper?)

“Only if it’s a fast ship.”

“Motherfucker, what did you say?”

Reaction shots.

“It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.”

Any statistic sounds impressive when you completely make up all the words in it.

I can make a liquor run in less than twelve eightpence.

What’s that face about?

Oh NO, Obi-Wan!

Colin:

This is where Han’s basically at his coolest. I guess he peaked early. But you can see how sleazy he is, too. Made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs? Obi-Wan ain’t buying that croc o’ shit. People like to harp on this, how a parsec is a unit of distance, so the statement makes no sense. But it’s actually referring to how the Millennium Falcon, using its baller ass navigational computer and godly hyperdrive, was able to compute a shorter route by going closer to black holes and zooming through fast enough so as not to get sucked in. The Kessel Run is an 18 parsec smuggler’s route going the long way around some Imperial bullshit. Han was able to cut it down to around 11.5. Badass. Quit frontin’, Obi-Wan.

Oh no. Anything Obi-Wan is doing right now most definitely involves the rear.

Stormtroopers. Apparently they realized they might actually be the droids they were looking for.

I know that look. “Help me.” That’s that look.

Colin:

So there’s a clear line of sight to the stormtroopers who look right at them. Then, when they get to the table, there are two people missing. Do you not have a follow-up question? Or let’s say they couldn’t see from the other side of the room – wouldn’t they ask whatever questions they had to whoever they found at that table? This is all going very smoothly.

I like how they’re breaking out and being like, “We’re gonna have to donate blood, sell your speeder, and fuck six dudes in the back of an alley to pay for this.”

Colin:

I’m interested in how much ships cost. Cause 10,000 sounds like it ain’t shit. Maybe you can buy an old piece of shit for that, but could Luke really fly it? I guess so, cause later it turns out that he’s pretty much the best X-Wing pilot out of all the guys there. But the only experience we know he has is in his T-16, which is the real version of the model we see him playing with at the beginning. It’s fast, but does flown into space with it? Would he ever leave Tatooine? How regular would an off-world trip be for him? These are all questions I’m sure are answered in the books and stuff, but it’s interesting to wonder about just how common interplanetary space travel is to the average person on a planet like Tatooine. Like, they clearly have the ships to do it, but do they often?

Also, I just checked, and a SINGLE X-wing costs well over 100,000 — and even costs a shit ton used. Even assuming you buy a civilian ship, it’s gonna cost a lot of money, and 10,000 is gonna buy you…MAYBE a Kia. And you might remember from The Spy Who Loved Me, when I complained about making a submarine from a British car, and how the Germans have the most respect for precision fitting and rubber seals? This goes for space, too.

Yeah… you lost me at…

I’m just gonna keep drinking.

“Greedo shot first.” – Mos Eisley prostitutes

Greedo always shoots first.

Colin:

Ah yes. Greedo, the Rodian bounty hunter. I don’t know why he doesn’t speak Basic; he’s lived in Mos Eisley his whole life pretty much. We see him as one of the little kids in The Phantom Menace, when he accuses Anakin of cheating in the pod race. Little bastard. But anyway, this scene is a real bone of contention for most fans.

Han owes money to Jabba.

Jabba put such a big price on his head that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for him.

Colin:

Ever notice how his language sounds like some weird version of space Russian? Apparently most Rodians speak basic, but this is such a stereotypically alien-looking creature that I guess Lucas wanted a weird language. And of course they can all understand each other even though they’re speaking different languages. Like Pokémon.

That makes 3PO Meowth.

He looks terrified.

Gunfighter.

It’s fucked up that he could change something like that. Not that it matters who shot first. It could be that he meant Greedo to shoot first and fucked it up. It reflects poorly on him (Lucas) no matter which way it is. At that distance, it’s kind of fucked up that Greedo missed. It’s not like he had to draw. So that’s really what I take out of this whole thing.

Colin:

Okay, so I do need to address the Greedo shooting first thing. First, does it matter? In short, yeah. Cause Lucas’ explanation is that Han only shoots after Greedo has, because he “had to.” It makes Han Solo less of a bad guy and puts his morals on much firmer footing. Which…no. We want the arc of him going from scumbag-out-for-himself to the hero willing to risk himself for others. Don’t try to sugarcoat him at the beginning, because that makes his “transformation” less interesting.

I can’t stress this enough – that portraying a character in a slightly negative light at the onset of the film, like Humphrey Bogart letting the Nazis capture Peter Lorre in Casablanca, makes it that much more powerful when you see them do the right thing later. Lucas has gone back and purposefully made a main character LESS dynamic with the intention of saying something to the kids watching (who probably didn’t even pick up on it anyway), and it was completely pointless.

Now, the actual problems with the shooting first bit. Lucas now says that although it might not have looked like it, Greedo had always shot first. You can clearly see in comparison that there was only one shot during the original cut and that Greedo ended up dead. Draw your own conclusions. Then we also have the issue of how Greedo missed Han by quite a bit at POINT BLANK range despite having shot first and Han being the one to react.

Finally, the whole scene setup says otherwise. We see Han getting ready the whole time, with not one, but two cutaways to his hand on his blaster. Greedo’s just talking, and we get no indication he’s about to shoot. Han even has a sarcastic line just before he shoots, which makes the whole thing feel…rather premeditated.

That’s great, though. Shoot the fuck and walk away.

Colin:

I’d actually say that the lack of remorse says more about the character than shooting second.

Some bounty hunters can be so snooty. His name is Garindan, and he’s the best bounty hunter in Mos Eisley. Basically, the guy who knows fucking everything. Then again, with this group walking around everywhere like this, I’m amazed the Stormtroopers needed to hire him. He also just looks SUPER sinister. I’d notice him following me.

Jabba!

… who was not in this movie 35 years ago.

Colin:

Jabba, my man. He’s a Hutt, a big assed hermaphrodite slug who happens to be basically the baddest crime lord in the galaxy. All you really need to know here is that Han worked for Jabba, and dumped a really expensive load of spices (drugs) when boarded by an Imperial squad. Jabba comes looking for his money, and Han’s like, “Get it outcha ass, bitch!” So yeah, that’s why there’s people looking for Han. I’d like to note that while Lucas seems to think premeditated murder is crossing a line, interplanetary drug smuggling is just peachy.

Boba Fett! If you’re a Star Wars fan, you think he’s a badass. At least as a bounty hunter.

Yeah… kind of fucked up what they did to him in the last four movies.

I love this moment. Han’s like, “Look man, you want to talk to me, you come find me yourself.” And Jabba’s like, “Hey, man, I can’t play favorites. It’s just business.”

I always love characters like this. The ones who can clearly have you killed at any moment and may or may not be trying to, but they’re all buddy/buddy in the room with you. And it doesn’t come off as fake, either. It’s legit, “Hey, I like you. I just have to have someone try to kill you sometimes. You know how it is.”

Colin:

That was actually my favorite thing about Dominic Greene in Quantum of Solace — when we first meet him, he’s just chilling in his gangster pad, and Olga Kurylenko shows up to confront him about ordering her murder. And he just laughs and tells her how super bummed he was to do it. It was so enjoyable how he wasn’t even thinking about it til she showed up, and now he’s like, “Wasn’t that funny though? I’ll get you later, but for now, we should have a drink.”

If I ever write a book or movie — and I don’t care if it’s a kids’ book or whatever — it’s gonna have a character like this who orders a hit on you and then laughs about it with you later on. I’m really glad Mike pointed this out, cause this is exactly what makes Jabba such a boss. In fact, if you really think about it, he’s pretty high up on the best Star Wars characters ever. Cause yes, he is a baller, and he does enjoy running his shit.

Oh that’s just disrespectful.

Also, the CGI here is HORRIBLE.

Colin:

That’s not Louie Anderson digitally slimmed down?

No. Louie Anderson only speaks Shyriiwook.

Han agrees to pay him a little something something and everything will go back to normal.

(What’s with the gay space pirate on the right? “Throw out your hands, stick out your tush…”)

Time to go.

(Is that one of the Goombas back there?)

Colin:

Is Luke a space Mexican all of a sudden?

What do you mean ‘all of a sudden’?

Snootdingo, man. Jesus Christ, look at that thing.

Colin:

Garidan’s voice is supposedly a processed clip of John Wayne. I wonder what clip they used.

The one where he tells Angie Dickinson he’s going to come on her back.

Millennium Falcon, baby.

Colin:

The Millennium Falcon is one of the coolest ships ever. Is there a cooler spaceship in film? I don’t give a shit about the Enterprise…and what honestly comes even CLOSE? The big ship from Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Discovery One from 2001: A Space Odyssey? No. I’ve always been partial to the Swordfish from Cowboy Bebop, but that’s an anime show that’s WAY less iconic. The Millennium Falcon is the coolest, most iconic movie spaceship ever. Luke calls it a piece of junk, but it’s a sleeper. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a sleeper is a car that looks like junk or at least completely average, but then blows the doors off a really nice car. This thing is so tricked out it’s insane.

Nothing’s close because no other ship has been used the way this one has.

And so help me, if anyone brings up Joss Whedon, I’m shanking some motherfuckers.

Colin:

I ALMOST added thatfor posterity, but I reconsidered when I realized 1) I don’t consider it cool, and 2) fuck that shit anyway.

“What a piece of junk!”

“Motherfucker, what did you say to me?”

Colin:

At this point he mentions stuff about how fast the ship is, and he’s not lying. The Falcon has a fucking ENORMOUS hyperdrive, which is what makes it so fast.

My hyperdrive is only average size :(

Colin:

Hyperdrives are rated by class; slow ships have Class 10+ hyperdrives, while faster ships are in the 2-4 range. When you get down to like Class 1 hyperdrives, you’re dealing with military grade, high quality ships that can keep up with the best of them; even a 1.5 is considered crazy fucking quick. The Falcon has a .5 Class hyperdrive, meaning it’s faster than almost anything you would conceivably encounter. Looks like junk, goes like a stuck rat.

Major respect to the old woman asking Stormtroopers for change. That takes stones.

“Man, I can’t even look at you with that thing in my face.”

(Also, what the fuck is he wearing? Is he flagging down planes or something? What’s with the orange?)

Colin:

This is a good shot, with the Falcon framing from above as the stormtroopers run in and start shooting. It’s a good angle.

Tyrone:

Seems kind of funny to me.

Precision of a Stormtrooper, eh?

Shoot the barrels!

Jesus, this looks like it’s straight from the Orca.

Models are great.

Can I just mention how I love that his copilot is a Wookiee?

Imperial cruisers.

“Motherfucker, why is everyone in the cockpit?”

VISUAL CALLBACK!

Colin:

I don’t usually like to credit Seth MacFarlane with anything, but he had quite a point. Han says he knows a few maneuvers and then we see the Falcon getting shot up as they fly basically straight. Well done. Very well done.

They gotta jump to hyper speed. But they gotta make the calculations first.

You know. Vectors and shit.

Luke’s like, “Motherfucker, just do it.”

“Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy.”

This reminds me of an old Sega Genesis game I have – The Magic School Bus in Space. (Legit have it on the computer I’m typing this on, too.)

Colin:

I fucking played that on my computer! Holy shit! That game was the shit! You had to jump around on platforms and use jetpacks and shit! And Jupiter was HARD cause the gravity was so strong.

“Ooh, what’s that?”

Seriously, Luke?

Colin:

Somebody smack this kid.

Light speed time.

Colin:

I always love the jump to hyperspace. It’s one of those things that’ll always stick with me about these movies. The stars stretching out, the Falcon disappearing off and the camera then spinning, as though space-time was being twisted. I love all that shit.

"It was difficult for observers to tell whether ODB's wildly erratic behavior was the result of serious drug problems or genuine mental instability." -- My goal in life is to one day have this said about me.

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