Monday, November 3, 2008

Attention Ted Stevens (updated)

Stop calling my house.

No, really, stop calling me.

Seriously, Ted, fuck the hell off.

This includes your wife, daughter, and any other member of your family including your goddamned computer. I'm not interested in welcoming you home to Alaska. I'm not interested in welcoming you home to the Valley. I'm not interested in participating in an online town hall meeting. So far your idiotic recorded messages have interrupted my dinner or my TV show a dozen times now, and today alone I've gotten five automated calls from either you or people who want me to vote for you. This has passed irritation for me and is moving into the realm of harassment. You never gave a shit what I thought before your legal problems, you never asked for my opinion before - but now that you're a convicted felon, suddenly you want to connect to me? Yeah, kiss my ass, Ted Stevens.

Let's see if I can clear this up for you: I'm not voting for you. Period. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Really, piss off.

Even if I was inclined to vote Republican this time around, which I emphatically am not, I wouldn't vote for you. You want to know why? It's simple really: because you think I'm stupid. Because you think all of us Alaskans are stupid. Because you hold your constituents in contempt. Because you're an arrogant son of a bitch who has been around too damned long and because you think you can get away with anything. And because when you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, you tried to lie your way out of it instead of taking responsibility.

Let's review, shall we? Your legal defense consisted of "I paid all the bills I was given," and "I did nothing wrong." Fail. Even if you're telling the truth, which I seriously doubt, it's still big old jumbo sized can of fail.

There are two possibilities here: 1) You really are so stupid and so naive and so out of touch with reality that you actually think that all those home improvements only cost a couple of bucks, in which case you are too stupid and too naive and too out of touch with the average Alaskan homeowner to be our Senator, or 2) you're a lying guilty sack of shit, who knew exactly what that stuff cost - which is why you didn't declare it on your Congressional Disclosure Reports - in which case you shouldn't be my Senator. There isn't another option and either way you're not getting my vote.

Now, even if I did have some pity for a greedy old man who's career has ended in disgrace, there's the rest of it, the automated phone calls and the TV commercials telling me how you've done so much for Alaska, and how you're the only guy who can represent our state, how we'll lose our seniority in the Senate should you not be reelected. While the rest of us Alaskans were paying $4.70 a gallon, or higher, for gas, you were getting you pockets lined. While the rest of us are facing record high heating costs this winter, losing our jobs, losing our houses, losing our businesses, losing our insurance, hell in some cases losing entire villages, where exactly are you? Getting a handjob from Bill Allen? What is it exactly that you've done for me and my fellow citizens - I mean other than make us all look like fools? You expect me to believe that you're the best we can do? I don't think so.

We're got a governor who's busy making the rest of the world think Alaskan's are all goofy, ignorant, uneducated, racist, alarmist, GWB lovin' rednecks. We've got a significant portion of our state government under indictment, in jail, or on their way to the same. We've got our only US Representative under investigation. And you want me to vote for you?

Despite what you might think, Uncle Teddy, I'm not that stupid. If you really wanted my vote, if you really wanted to know what I think, if you really wanted my suggestion - well, then you should have done one simple thing: Your Job. With honor, and integrity, and honesty. You should have looked out for Alaskans, all Alaskans, not just your pals in the oil industry. You would have been out here in the Valley, and on the slope, and in the interior villages, in the schools, and the towns, and the hospitals.

Instead you and the morons who support you want me to believe that given a choice between a democrat and a convicted felon, I should waste my vote on the felon?

You know what, Ted, screw you and the VECO bribe you rode in on. I don't like being called stupid and I don't like being talked down to, and you know what? I damned sure am not going to take it from you.

Tomorrow we're going to find out if Alaskans really are dumb enough to reelect your convicted, entitled, self-serving ass. I for one sure as hell hope you're wrong, that we really aren't that stupid.

Either way, you're not getting my vote.

So, stop calling me.

_______________________________________

Seriously, what the fuck do I have to do here? File a restraining order?

We're now at ten calls today, and three visits at my front door.

I'd take the phone off the hook, but my son is at a basketball game and is going to call me when he's ready to be picked up.

Fuck you, Ted Stevens, leave me alone, you doddering old bastard. If for no other reason than the fact that you're irritating the piss out of me, I hope you rot in prison until you die you arrogant annoying prick.

________________________________________

Eleven calls. I'll tell you all I'm on the verge of kicking an old man's ass. I am.

Hello, my name is Senator Ted Stevens, and it has been my pleasure to represent you and the Great State Of Alaska--that's the state you live in--for many, many years.

If you've been busy doing Alaska things, like hunting seals or making one of those big poles with the faces and animals on them, you may not be aware of the exciting things I have done for you as your State Senator (a Senator is somebody who goes to the big city of Washington and makes laws for you). But I have made lots of really, really great laws that have helped you out in all sorts of ways, and I would like to continue doing so.

Unfortunately, some people would like to keep me from doing great deeds on behalf of Alaskans such as yourself. They have made false, baseless accusations against me. For instance, they have accused me of accepting gifts in the form of housing improvements that I either paid for or was just sort of entitled to as a "Big Chief" of the Alaskan people. It's sort of like if somebody loaned you an extra dog for your sled: would that make you a thief just because you kept it an extra night or several years as a permanent addition to your beautiful home? Of course not!

My enemies, who hate Alaska and want you to be poor and cold, have also tried to paint me as a "felon," a person who has done something bad. What they don't tell you is that this accusation is irrelevant: did you know that a felon can be a United States Senator just as easily as a woman or negro? It's true! I could be convicted of all sorts of things, and it would not prevent me from serving as your distinguished delegate to the Big Chief's Igloo in Washington, D.C.! I say to my opponents, convict me of anything you want, make me a felon a hundred times over! If loving Alaska is a crime, I am the most guilty felon in the entire world, because I love Alaska more than remodeling my home, and that's a whole lot!

So, please: if you love Alaska, and aren't a filthy, ignorant communist who takes other people's whalemeat from their pots when they think nobody's looking, vote for me tomorrow, November 3rd, so I can continue to build a Bridge To A Better Nowhere in Alaska for years to come!

No, I didn't kick Ted's ass - mostly because after I screamed and threw the phone after the 11th call he must have gotten the message - and quit.

The call was at around 7PM, and I got nothing after that. So Ted will remain unbruised today. Well, physically anyway - politically I'm hoping he gets bruised like an imported Argentinian tomato. I sure as hell didn't vote for him, or Don Young.

And all the calls were on my land line (which I keep for the fax machine, other than that I'd get rid of it). I guarantee you that if any candidate ever calls my cell phone - violence will ensue.

Well, see technically he's convicted - pending appeal, and is not actually a felon until sentenced. Which the Judge has kindly decided to hold in abeyance until adjudication of the appeal.

So, technically he's allowed to hold office and run for reelection.

Now, damned near all of his peers have suggested he step down. The governor has asked him to withdraw. About the only supporter he has in the Senate is AK's junior senator Lisa Murkowski who is beholden to Uncle Teddy and I get the impression from her commercials that she's not particularly thrilled about it. Of course, she's such a dour and sour woman that it's hard to tell.

Here's the thing - this is a very red state, and it's entirely possible that Stevens will win re-election with the full knowledge that he may be expelled from the Senate and go to jail, because that's just how boneheaded some of these people are. They'll vote for Pickled Cannibal Hitler's Head in a Jar of Formaldehyde in order to keep a liberal out of office, because they think that a pansy assed gay loving gun haytin' socialized medicine liberal is far worse than having their senator serving from a prison cell - even though that Democrat has done a pretty decent job as Anchorage's mayor for the last couple of years.

The whole thing that would bug me about it, is just the lack of simple human decency and humility.

I shouldn't complain, in Chicago corruption runs in the water, still they catch somebody, convict (or not)... and that's that.

Either he's arrogant to the point of blindness and there really is a chance for him, which would suck for any normal Alaskan. Or he is just plain stupid. Or not I apologize, this would not be stupidity, no one is that stupid. That's bonified looniness.

Well, see the thing is: If Ted concedes or withdraws it's basically an admission of guilt and acceptance of the conviction. Which would defeat his entire appeal strategy which is:

I'm innocent, Goddamnit! The Jury was prejudiced, the judge was out to get me, the democrats, the media, the martians! They'll all against me!

On the face of things though, I think he's got a good chance of getting off - I mean seriously, when have you ever heard a convict say he was innocent? Or that he was railroaded? Never. At least Ted gets point for originality.

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Jim Wright is a retired US Navy Chief Warrant Officer and freelance writer. He lived longer in Alaska than anywhere else and misses it terribly. He recently moved to the fetid Panhandle of Florida and lives now in an ancient Cold War bunker of a house surrounded by alligators and rednecks. He's been called the Tool of Satan, but he prefers to think of himself as the Devil's Designated Driver. He is the mind behind Stonekettle Station. You can email him at jim@stonekettle.com. You can follow him on Twitter @stonekettle, or you can join the boisterous bunch he hosts on Facebook at Facebook/Stonekettle. Remember to bring brownies and mind the white cat, he bites. Hard.

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