Does it get any better?

The title of this post sounds a bit desperate, and up until a few minutes ago, when I decided to post on here instead of letting this stuff swim around my head, I was certainly feeling desperate. However, as soon as I realised I could come here and share this stuff, even if nobody reads it, I immediately started to feel better.

I’ve been in this burn out now for 12 months and I can get to thinking that it’s never going to end and that I’m getting nowhere, despite my efforts, but that’s not true. Although the steps I’m taking, really are baby steps, and at times, I feel like I’m reverting back to being a baby. Although the reverting back to being a baby, I can understand.

A few weeks ago, I started to be plagued by thoughts of my mum or dad dying, although I felt it was my dad that was going to die. I have never in my life had these kinds of thoughts, so I found them very odd indeed and began to push them away as they were very uncomfortable to say the least. Then a few days ago I got a text message from my sister to say my dad has lung cancer and secondary cancer. There was no way I was going to open that message and I promptly began to ignore it. A few days ago, I went to my mum and dads and when my mum asked me if I had read the text, I just said I had seen what it said in the heading and that I was ignoring it. My dad doesn’t want to talk about it anyway, so my response was acceptable. So, I’m guessing the baby thing is related to that. I don’t know if I was ever read a bed time story, but I’ve been desperate to be tucked up in bed (this I can remember) and for somebody to read me a bedtime story and stay with me until I go to sleep. This is kind of a side issue though, even though it’s major, I am able to kind of ignore it, most of the time.

I’m just wondering if I will ever come out of this burn out and if I do, what will it look like. The only way I can see for a happy fulfilling life, is if I can create an income, enough to support all my needs and one that I can sustain. I’ve got a plan for that. A few months ago, I decided to make this my special interest, my obsession, and to be honest, even though it’s seems like a lot of toing and froing, I think I am moving forward, slowly, very slowly.

It’s like if I get one wheel spinning, then move on to another, but before I realise it, the first wheel has stopped spinning and then I think I’m back to square one. But that’s not true. I was desperate to get back to a daily exercise routine, which I kind of started, but I also needed to be eating daily as well, and enough to support an exercise routine. Well the exercise has come to a stop (for now) but I am getting into a daily eating routine. Apart from yesterday when I didn’t eat at all, all the other days I have been eating at least once a day and sometimes two or three times, and it is largely healthy food. So, this part is coming along, and I realise now, that actually, it is probably a good idea to get the eating thing sorted before I attempt to exercise. So, all good here.

When I came clean with my work coach two weeks ago, about what life is really like for me, she has moved into action and she called me today to say I had been accepted into a programme or something by the local authority, who apparently have tons of support and they will be calling me in the next few days to arrange to come and see me.

I am also in the process of sorting out my rent and utility bill debts, the other debts (credit cards etc) can wait. But it’s like no matter how hard I try, I can only do so much in one day, which is not a lot. And if I spend time with people, no matter what the capacity, I can be out of action for days.

The best thing about all this though, is that I now know who I am, and I am part of a group of people, just like me, and to me, that is worth more than anything in this life. I’m just wondering, if it gets any better?

Since I have more or less withdrawn from life, I have never felt so calm and relaxed and because of that, it’s like I am no longer able to do things that stress me out and raise my anxiety levels and I’m wondering, can you actually get anywhere in life if you don’t push yourself to the point of severely heightened anxiety? The doctor offered me anti-depressants which I declined because apart from when I am feeling desperate, I don’t feel depressed so I’m not sure if they would do any good. But I’m wondering, maybe they will block my emotions so much that I will be able to push myself and do things that would normally cause me a lot of stress. Has anybody else taken any medication and did it work? Could it be a short term solution? I think I've answered my own question. I simply need to allow these moments of desperation to be what they are, learn from them and remind myself of all the progress I am making. I'm currently working on building me a solid foundation, and in truth, that is coming along. I've switched to a whole food plant based diet which has relieved me of digestion problems, including gallstone trouble, so this is a major move forward. I've got a few good meals that I can now make and that I thoroughly enjoy so soon, I will reinstate exercise in my life. I have also lost weight which is really exciting as I can see my body getting not only back to what it was before but better. They say a whole food plant based diet transforms your body and I can vouch for that. I am also now part of a women in business group and it seems like I am at least going to be considered for some support from the local council. I know from working for them previously, that they are keen to work with people before they need ongoing social support. I've told them what my goals are, that I won't even contemplate work that won't take me in the direction of my dream or work that will simply appease them and get me off benefits, so let's see what they can do for me!

I was with the women in business group today and the woman I sat next to is setting up her business as a virtual assistant - just what I need, as well as offering several other services, all of which I need. I can see she's just the kind of person who would be great as a virtual assistant and not too chatty, so perfect for me. So I take our meeting as a sign that all the support is there waiting for me, I just need to build the foundation, get that strong, and then make some moves towards fulfilling my dream. I am also determined to get the support I need from the council. So far, by being honest with them (the job centre), they seem to be going all out to help me. The manager of the department even came to see me and assured me that they wouldn't just try to shove me into any old job and that they will do whatever they can to support me and she seemed confident they can do that. She was the one who told my work coach about the support the local council can offer and my work coach keeps telling me not to worry, that they will get me the help I need. So I guess it's right what they say, that there is strength in being vulnerable. I felt like I was taking a huge risk by being completely honest with the work coach, but my back was against the wall and the risk paid off.

Thank you all for being here, you really are my life line and my tribe, and tonight, if I had sat with all this stuff, I would be a crying bundle of mess right now and after reading some of the other posts on here with all your wonderful support, I feel back on form, even if I am exhausted. I got me a book on audible to listen to, by Marian Keyes, very funny, so tonight I will drift off to sleep feeling happy, listening to the book and feeling like I'm wrapped in a snuggy warm blanket, full of all your love. This is a major life achievement, previously only heroin gave me this kind of release. I can't thank you all enough. xxxxxx

She definitely has good intentions and I'm realising it's as hard for her as it is me. I'm going to learn to be kinder to her. I guess the more I understand and accept myself, the more I understand and accept others. And one thing she has always done, is her best for me and in all honesty, we can't ask for more than that. When I told her that I'm autistic, in that moment, I felt that I became her daughter for the first time ever and she became my mum, and that only happened last month, so I guess we've come a long way in a short amount of time. This past month has been a roller coaster of emotions but in one sense, I feel like the emotions have been a release of years of pent up emotions and each time, I come out of the dips with more understanding, more strength and a much bigger heart. Meaning, I am definitely opening up to love, something I don't think I ever thought possible and when I think about it like this, I can understand why I am so exhausted. We definitely create our lives from the inside out and I'm seeing evidence of that now. It's like my heart has been cracked open and it's letting in the light and although it's new and scary, it's real and it's giving me strength to carry on. Thank you X