Bipolar Disorder- Feeling Flawed

Do you ever feel completely and utterly flawed? I feel like that right now. That everything I ever attempt has failed and isn’t good enough. Yeah- I feel not good enough. Good enough for who? Well, me I guess. The unconscious, unrealistic demands I’m making of myself are beginning to float up into consciousness, but they feel stuck in cement- I can’t move them yet- I’m just aware of them.

I’m not achieving enough, I don’t contribute enough to the world, I’m not successful enough, I’m not living up to my potential, I’m failing myself and letting myself down. I should be more- braver, smarter, funnier, more popular, less trouble, less emotional, less sensitive, more attractive, be richer, be driving, have more stamina, be thinner, be fitter, be in control, have better relationships and not be so damned scared of everything. I need to CHILL OUT!! ARGHHHH!!!!

Where the hell do all these stupid thoughts and beliefs come from? Who the hell is telling me I’m not good enough? Well hello Mr Ego, is that you I see over there with your list of demands?! The ego wants us to fit into society, to be like others, to live up to societies expectations. Well guess what Mr Ego, I’m not like others and don’t fit in- what are you gonna do about it?! Push me this way, swing me that way, make me do things I don’t want to do, make me stop doing things I like to do, keep me quiet, shut me up, corner me against the wall? Ego’s motivation is fear- fear of rejection and abandonment.

This is my current location- fear of rejection and abandonment. I’ve been in total denial recently and can now look around me and see where I am and what it feels like to be here. I feel ashamed and embarrassed of recent hypomanic-driven behaviour, I feel like I’ve made a total idiot out of myself. Ego is berating me for it- “you idiot, why the hell did you do that? You’re so stupid. You’re a complete loser and failure. I’m ashamed of you. You deserve to be alone. Why would anyone love you?” Get the general idea?

This is all my own voice saying these things- nobody is bullying me except myself. I need to put a good bit of CBT to practice really, but right now I’d rather get the anger out.

Standing up for yourself when confronted with a bully is always scary, but what if the bully is yourself? You can’t see the woods for the trees- you kind of have to split yourself into two halves-the bully and the inner child. I hadn’t seen that before- that’s who is being bullied by my ego- my inner child and I’m not standing up for her, just letting the bullying continue. I have abandoned myself. Learned helplessness- I’ve given up trying because all my past attempts to please the bully have ended in pain. So there’s only one thing I can do- beat up the bully!