Today President Donald Trump leaves on his first official foreign trip since being fraudulently elected by an archaic system and with the help of Russian hacking. He’ll be visiting Vatican City, Saudi Arabia, and Israel and will be taking his teddy bear and night light since he doesn’t like not sleeping in his own bed. Trump is no doubt hoping for a respite from unending witch hunts at home, even though everyone including his enemies agree that he’s doing an amazing job and has all the best words, really.

What can we expect from the trip to the centres of Catholicism, Islam, and Judaism? Reports have surfaced of Trump’s wishlist for activities, although the feasibility of some has already been questioned. Here, from unnamed sources <cough, Comey! cough> is the President’s Holy Land(s) bucket list:

Take the Popemobile out for a spin in St. Peter’s Square; if possible, do some donuts

Land a helicopter on Masada, proving that the US Army is better than Rome’s

Kiss the Black Stone at the Kaaba, to get the “gift of the grab”

Solve the Arab-Israeli problem, if time allows also bring peace to entire Middle East

Pick up one of those Pope hats at the Vatican gift shop

Take that oil

Make a deal to build a hotel on Palestinian land, probably

Find out how Michelangelo painted all that stuff even though he’s just a turtle

Kiss Benjamin Netanyahu right on the lips

Have some protestors beat up, like that Erdogan guy did in Washington

Send postcards to Michael Flynn, a really great guy

Cause at least one international incident every day

Tweet out locations of Israel’s nuclear weapons

Make joke about how he hasn’t seen a sand trap this big since golfing at the beautiful Trump Mar-a-Lago course