What Women Think of Your Underwear

What Women Think of Your Underwear

Yes, she's looking, and yes, she cares

If men's underwear could talk to me, this is what I'd like to hear it say:

"I'm cotton," it would say. "I'm clean. I'm subtle. Preferably, I am white or blue. If I have a pattern, it isn't shamrocks or hearts or teddy bears. I don't have any affiliations. I wouldn't rather be fishing. I have no special love for the Fightin' Illini or co-ed naked lacrosse.

"OK, here I go. I hope I end up in the hamper this time, with my other underwear friends who all look just like me."

Women's underwear is supposed to set off body parts to flattering, exciting effect.

A woman might like it if you noticed her underwear, but she should only notice yours subliminally, and it should give her confidence that you are an upstanding citizen who knows how to use a washing machine and, when the time comes, a garbage can.

A Few Do's and Don'ts

Do wear boxers or briefs, or that handsome hybrid, the boxer brief. Boxers are slightly more flattering on your average guy who doesn't have a 6-pack, but if briefs are more comfortable, that's fine. Keep in mind that while boxers can age a bit, briefs get old and dingy fast. Replace often. Oh, and if you are going to get the kind with the waistband that says something like BOSS or DIESEL, make sure your muscle tone isn't saying EMPLOYEE or UNLEADED.

Don't wear bikini underwear. Yes, the French president is getting it on with a major fox. This is no excuse to let their most unfortunate habits reach our shores. If you find yourself having any fun at all while you're buying your underwear, you are buying the wrong underwear.

Don't let me see the white outline of your undershirt beneath your dress shirt. You look like that eighth-grade math teacher who read the sports section at his desk all day. If you're wearing a white shirt, try not wearing an undershirt. Seriously. This is like the male panty lines!

Do wear tank tops if you are in amazing shape, or if you are from New Jersey and have the gravitas that goes along with that. Otherwise, follow your underwear mantra: plainly styled, subtly patterned, clean.