Monday, October 31, 2011

~ Pete....you reading this?I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but i really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for halloween.

☼ ~ A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

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~ Gus was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Gus.. as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

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~ My grand mother lived to be 94 yrs. old and never needed glasses. She drank srtaight from the bottle.

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~ To seat people as quickly as possible, the hostess of a busy restaurant would not promise customers they could be served by their favorite waitress. She made an exception, though, when one woman explained, "She's my daughter and I want her to wait on me for once!"

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~ A stark-naked woman jumps into a taxi and gives the cabbie an address. The cabbie just looks at her, making no attempt to drive."What are you staring at?" the woman asks. "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?""I'm not staring." he replies."Well, if you're not staring, then what are you doing?" she says."Wondering where you're keeping the money to pay me."

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~ One night, a husband and wife were discussing their budget. "Must you really spend so much on food, darling? asked the husband. The wife replied, "I'm sorry, dear, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else."

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~ Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. "Yes," says Sally, " a lock of my husband's hair." "But Larry's still alive." "I know, but his hair is gone."

* "A single question can be more influential than a thousand statements." - Bo Bennett

Rae's Trivia....

In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt , Algeria , which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island .. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Good Morning, Neighbors.....
Sunny Sunday......
Highs in the upper 40s.
I got 31º right now.....
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~ The doctor warned his patient, "By drinking and smoking as much as you do, you're killing yourself slowly."The patient just nodded. "That's OK. I'm not in any hurry."

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~ Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

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~ One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle. The store owner asked for her secret. "It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."

~ After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free. The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below “Free Zucchini,” someone had written, “Save the Whales.”

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~ Did you hear about the maple tree’s birthday? It was a sappy one!

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~ What did the mother ghost say to her sonwhen they got into the car?Put on your sheet belt.

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~ As we were getting ready to go to my son's high-school graduation, he left to get something from his car. He returned and handed me a dozen roses and a card that read: "Thank you, Mom, for all your love and support, I love you." As we hugged and cried, I couldn't help thinking of the expense, and chided him for being so extravagant. He replied that it was all right, he still had my credit card.

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~ A teenage boy I know continually challenges his conservative father by wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. He asked, "Dad, would it be okay if I had s-t-u-d shaved in the back of my head?" "Sure," came his father's reply. "But only if you add a y to it."

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Todays Thought:

* Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

Rae's Trivia......

Postcards are a way to send message-bearing cards through the mail without an envelope. The earliest known picture postcard was sent in London to the writer Theodore Hook in 1840. Hook most likely created the hand-painted card and sent it to himself as a practical joke on the postal service, since the image on the card is a caricature of post office workers. Deltiologists—collectors of postcards.......

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Good Morning, Every one....
Today it's Snow and rain in the morning...
then rain likely with a chance of snow in the
afternoon.
Precipitation may be heavy at times in the morning.
Total snow
accumulation of 3 to 5 inches.
Highs in the upper 30s.
Chance of precipitation near 100 percent.
(I don't think we're gonna get anywere close to this....
I'm reading 35º now....
and only light rain....)
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~ Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head,looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!"

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~ How about the dumb redneck truck driver who took his holiday in England so he could get the other arm sun tanned!

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~ An old redneck had been working industriouslywith a stub pencil and a piece of paper. Suddenly he looked up and smiled. He exclaimed, "Doggoned it Maw, if I ain't done learned to write." Maw got up and looked at the lines scrawled across the paper. "What does it say" ? "I don't know", the redneck replied, "I ain't learned to read yet."

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~ A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your Mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very Commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

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~ For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town center..

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~ A lady golfer who visits a driving range to tone up before a game, is about to tee off, when she notices the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir." she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction back towards the golf shop." "Oy! tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blind." He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing. "Not bad," she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again, Missus," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I wouldn't know dese tings." A few shots later, he enquires again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal question?" "Not at all," she replies. "I don't do vell vit the ladies....... Am I ugly or vat?" "You're quite presentable," she replies. "I don't think that should be a problem." Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrups him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks. "Vit gladness..... All de help you got I vill take." he answers. "Lose the Jewish accent," she replies. "You're Chinese."

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~ Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue? Because they can't dress themselves.

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~ I was sitting with my friend Cindy and some of her classmates when they began discussing a written report they had been assigned. Cindy, who had already chosen a topic and had begun to research it, was upset that their instructor wanted them to work in pairs. She voiced strong opinions about what a liability a partner could be. "What topic did you choose?" I asked. "The importance of teamwork," she admitted sheepishly.

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~ Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?A: They'll add a N to the end of it!

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Todays Thought:

* Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.Mel Brooks

Rae's Trivia.....

The squirrel monkey’s brain accounts for roughly 5 percent of its body weight.the largest percentage of any animal. The human brain, by comparison, makes up about 2.3 percent of body weight.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Good Morning, Friends...
Well it's TGIF day.....
Partly sunny in the morning...
then becoming mostly cloudy.
Highs in the upper
40s.
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~ A customer who's hair kept falling out complained to his barber. "That stuff you gave me," he cried, "it's terrible! You said three bottles of it would make my hair grow, but nothing's happened." "I do not understand it," said the barber. "That is the best hair restorer made." "Well," said Pete, "In that case, I'll drink another bottle, but it better work this time!"

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~ Pete and Gusl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Gus won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.Pete won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.Pete asked Gus how he liked his prize, to which Gus replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Pete , "I reckon I'm going to go back to paper."

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~ After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

☼ ~ A few moments after the daughter announces her engagement. Her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy !..... You men are all alike.Sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

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~ A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading. "Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

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~ A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'

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~ A man serving as church usher was escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After greeting two strangers at the entrance, he asked where they wanted to sit. Looking confused, one of the newcomers then smiled and replied, "Nonsmoking, please."

☼ ~ went to the shrink & spent $100.00 per Hour....To lay there on that couch & didn't lose one ounce ofweight, Im pretty sure that shrink is refering to the cash in my wallet not my Diet!

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~ The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?""Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

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~ What do you call a cow that has just given birth? "Decalfinated"

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~ A mother gave her teenage daughter a car for her eighteenth birthday. As she handed over the keys she explained to the girl that it was a magic car. The girl was very excited and asked what it did. "Well," said mom, "just get one ticket and you'll see it disappear."

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Todays Thought:

* "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." - Buddhist Proverb

Rae's Trivia......

Scientists discover approximately 7,000 to 10,000new insect species every year, and it is believed that there are between 1 million and 10 million species yet unfound.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

~ When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said."I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

☼ ~ An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to have some general fun and said, "I've got good news and bad news." "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

☼ ~ I think the dipstick in my car is wearing out. It doesn't reach the oil anymore.

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~ Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed."I can't find it," he admitted.The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

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~ The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name,what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy...... You go first."Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

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~ The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.' Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free...... I'm four.'

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~ Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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~ Wife: Where the hell are you? Husband: Honey you remember the jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace, totally fell in love with it and I didn't have much money at that time and I said "baby it'll be yours one day" Wife: Ah! Yes, I remember my Darling! Husband: I am in the pub with my friends just next to that shop.

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~ What does it say at the bottom of Newfie Beer Bottles?Open At Other End.

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Todays Thought:

* Money may not be everything but it has a pretty good lead on whatever is in second place...

Rae's Trivia.....

The electric eel has thousands of electric cells, with those organs making up four-fifths of its body. It lives in the Amazon River and its tributaries and is the most shocking animal on Earth, no other animal packs such a big charge.If attacking a large prey, a 9-foot-long eel can discharge about 800 volts. One zap could easily stun a human senseless. The larger the eel, the bigger the charge. The electric eel’s shocking power is so great that it can overtake its victims while 15 feet away.