Posts Tagged ‘dying to self’

I was mostly influenced to pick this song because of some events that happened tonight. Not directly to me, but that indirectly affects me. I always listen to this song when I am going through something sad.

Not the same rough stuff that I’ve been blogging about. But some OLD rough stuff.

Something that the Lord is bringing closure to.

And when He is doing something like that, killing something inside of me that doesn’t need to be there, that’s when I cry out:

I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue!

And you know what? EVERY time I pray that, He comes to my rescue. He is pretty amazing like that. You can always count on Him. He wants to come to my rescue.

If you ask Him to do that for you, He will do it! I know we all need rescuing! 🙂

The past few days have been days that I ask the Lord for, yet dread to encounter.

Oh the misery of exposure!

My soul is so very depraved! I am not who I think I am.

I want to be a girl who can take correction. I want to be a girl that has no offense in her heart. I want to be a girl who does not love the approval of man. I want to be a girl that people think is in a good mood. I want to be a girl who loves people. I want to be a girl who is humble. I want to be a girl who acts like Jesus. I want to be a girl who walks according to the Spirit and portrays the fruits of the Spirit.

Instead…

I am a girl who hardens her heart when corrected. And I assume whoever is correcting me is really coming against me and hates me. I am a girl who gets offended at everything everyone says to me. I am a girl who loves to be approved of by man. I am a girl who everyone constantly thinks is in a bad mood. I am a girl who gets frustrated with people easily. I am a girl with a heart full of pride. I am a girl who acts the opposite of Jesus, more like Amanda. I am a girl who walks according to the flesh, and portrays the fruit of the flesh.

Forever You are lovely,

Forever I am dark,

Forever You will see,

Jesus’ blood covering me.

I am dark yet lovely.

Anything good in me is Jesus. And I need Him so badly. I totally deserve Hell, yet because of His death, I will live with Him forever!

My heart is being exposed! I am laying open before my HOLY GOD! It hurts so much, and I want to reject it and cover it up. But I can’t! This is what I pray for. I pray for Him to crucify me, to kill me and to live through me.

Death…

So Friday was a day of battle. I was walking in my flesh. It was horrible. This summer the Lord was really bringing me to a place where I know I have to die to myself and He has to live, and I was really excited about Him doing that. Well, He’s doing it now. And my flesh is crying out to live! It’s a war! He was trying to kill me Friday, and I was resisting Him with everything I had. But the Lord is so good! He keeps doing it today, and sometimes I’m like, when is this going to be over? I just want to die already! But then I realize its not just going to happen over night, and He is the one going to finish it not me. I AM CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST! IT IS NO LONGER I THAT LIVES, BUT CHRIST IN ME! Woohoo! I cling to this promise!

Shevi and Lisa…

After our Encountering God Service (EGS) on Friday night, I drove about an hour away to my old youth pastor’s house (from high school). I love them so much and they have been such a huge and influential part of my life and with my journey with the Lord! I praise the Lord for them and how amazing they are! It’s incredible to see where I was when they met me, and where the Lord has brought me! He sure has saved me! Wow! Its amazing! Well I had an amazing weekend of catching up, praying with them, playing with their sweet boys and doing a little shopping! The Lord is so good to me! I love this family!

LoVe…

I think the Lord always brings me back to this…its all about LOVE! Its all about loving Him, understanding His love, and loving others. Which are the 2 greatest commandments. I’m really struggling, in all this death to myself, to love others. I am getting frustrated and upset and impatient. Its really awful. I don’t want to be like this. I want to love them, I want to value them. There is so much of Amanda in me still and not enough Jesus! One of the verses I’ve been meditating on is John 3:30 which says, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” I want more of Him in me! Actually I want it to be all Jesus living through me! Oh man, is this the hardest thing ever. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. Oh so weak.

So pray for me please….

I am sure in need right now. Thanks so much everyone! You all are amazing…

I can’t think of any other updates…except that I love my MOM AND DAD AND SISTER!!!!!!!!! They are amazing and I miss them so much! Lord, love on my family! 🙂 Have a wonderful night or day…which ever it is when you read this. 🙂

One of the main things that the Lord has been speaking to me about since I have been here in Atlanta, is the denial of myself. To have a pure love for the Lord and for Amanda to be dead, and Jesus to live in and through me. 100%. Well my friend Wesley Huth, who is also an intern for The Watch, has some awesome revelation about this topic. He wrote about sanctification and pure love on his blog. I recommend everyone to read it!

I am finding out (because I guess I thought I was pretty mature) that I am immature. Especially when it comes to having conversations with other believers on what they believe and why they believe it. Not on the foundational subjects such as is Jesus the Son of God or was He raised 3 days later. These are very clearly laid out in scripture.

But we have been having discussions about things that I have never been taught, or if I have been taught it, it wasn’t the biblical teaching and I’ve just thought it for years without actually studying it for myself. So I am being challenged with listening to others, and valuing what they have to say. And the biggest thing I am learning is that no matter what, you cannot believe something just because someone says it. You have to search it out in the Bible, the Word of God, and ask the Spirit of God to reveal to you what He is saying.

I haven’t done this in depth in the past. I believe something because someone made it sound good, or maybe it is what God is saying about a topic but I don’t know why God is saying it or where He says it in scripture. So now my desire is to take all these questions I have and search it out! I want to know what the bible says, and I want to know what is on the heart of the Father!

And in these conversations I’ve been having, I want to prove why I am right, and I can’t really. I get frustrated at others because they believe something different, but I have no reason to! I need to value others and what they are saying!

These discussions that I am talking about are discussions concerning the things of God. And these discussions are with others who are searching out what the bible says about things and they want to know the heart of the Father also. They are not with people who are not Christians or people of other religions or anything like that.

This has been a great learning experience. God is exposing things in my heart not like Him! He wants me to DIE TO MYSELF so that He can LIVE IN ME AND THROUGH ME! Praise the Lord! Continue to do it God!