Friday, January 20, 2017

Today I am wandering around my house and my soul like an orb in a pinball machine - bouncing off the immovable bumpers in my path and landing in unpredictable places. Mostly, I am counting on the flappers of instinct to avoid the drain. I feel numb...as if someone I love has unexpectedly died and I don't know what in the world to do next.

I have watched videos on YouTube and cried.
I have stirred up a batch of granola to make the house smell cozy.
I have listened to some of my favorite music.
I have tried reading some brilliant words - Martin Luther King, Jr., Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama - but I find no inspiration to motivate me toward focus and determination.

Still...I am trying to redeem the day. So I came to the desk, to think on paper.

I know something is happening in Washington, DC as I write this that is beyond my comprehension. I can't even conjure up a good sentence about it (I keep trying). I won't let myself remember this day in my house 8 years ago. I can't envision the future.

I am stuck. And stunned. And stupefied. And I'm not very proud to admit it.

I generally consider myself a woman of decided action and unrepentant outspokenness. My name might be found in the dictionary if you look up the word stubborn...I'm not sure. I'm not afraid of a good philosophical or political fight. I am woman. Hear me roar.

But today, I feel weak and dis-empowered and about as far from hopeful as the constellation Cassiopeia is from Earth. The emotional distance seems absolutely unbridgeable.

To those of you also feeling this fog of sadness and, perhaps, abject terror...let's make a deal:

Wallow in the ditch today. Find that bar or restaurant in your town giving 100% of the day's proceeds to a cause you believe in. Eat cookies. And ice cream out of the carton. Play sad music. Read long poems. Then get up tomorrow morning, put on your walking shoes and find a march. Or a brilliant hiking trail. Or a soup kitchen. Or a safe house for immigrants. Chant your mantras, say your prayers, light your candles and be about the business of complete awareness and passionate involvement.