An ongoing journey through substance abuse and eating disorders.

Confused AF (TW – ED)

I start treatment (finally) at the Portland DBT Institute tomorrow and thank god for that. As I mentioned in my last post, I stopped self-medicating with cannabis almost a week ago and, after about two days of kratom after that, I stopped using anything… and I am more unsettled than I’ve been in some time.

My eating went back to being as bad, if not worse, than before the cannabis. By a weird confluence of events, I know I’ve been losing about a pound a day for the last week (thank you, absent-minded nurse). The first thing I do when I arrive tomorrow is to sit down for breakfast at 8am. That should be interesting, as I’ve not been able to eat before late afternoon in a very long time (without being stoned, that is).

I’ve had periods where I’ve been mildly delusional… enough to recognize it happening (good) but unable to figure where exactly my thinking was a problem (not good). During those moments, I isolate, somewhat, to minimize the chances of me saying or doing something unwise while trying to make token appearances in the house so as to not worry my roommates. Who knows if that worked.

This afternoon, I realized I’ve probably been slightly manic for the last few days as well. But more of a mixed episode so I get some obviously manic symptoms and some less pleasant emotions as well. I danced and sang 4 miles down the streets of Portland to a friend’s house this afternoon and spewed words at her and her boyfriend for three hours but feel way shittier than past manic episodes.

Why this? Why now? Beats the hell out of me. It’s very “chicken and the egg”. Not eating can cause mania. Mania can make you not eat. Or it could be something else entirely. Maybe my cannabis use triggered my mania. Maybe it’s not mania but some weird borderline thing. I have no idea.