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David Cameron says light must “pull its weight”

As part of Britain’s contribution to the ongoing investigations around the speed-of-light controversy generated by the discovery of apparently faster-than-light neutrinos at the Cern/Gran Sasso super-collider laboratories, Prime Minister David Cameron today unveiled a new package of reforms aimed at helping light make its contribution to science and grow to meet the challenge of its newest competitor, the neutrino.

“For too long, light has taken its speed for granted”, Cameron said. Publicly-funded science had led some people to believe that light did not have to do any work to pay its way in the universe. We know now this is profoundly wrong. Left to the molly-coddling of a non-competitive environment and insulated from the rigours of market forces, light has become complacent and is lagging behind. In fact, the speed of light has not achieved any net growth whatsoever since its discovery. It’s high time light stepped up, took its responsibilities seriously and reduced its dependence on the out-dated and backward-facing Einsteinian ideology which we all know has held back progress for so long”.

The Government’s reform package, a spokesman said today, will include a 30% cut in light’s funding, designed to, the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition says, build self-reliance and cut-away bureaucratic waste. It is envisaged that light will be seeking private investment partners, possibly including gravity.

“To compete in today’s international economic environment, light must be leaner, meaner and more efficient than ever. If light is to protect the integrity of its reputation as the pre-dominant force of nature, it needs to demonstrate its claim to that title. With the rise of the neutrino, light has only two alternatives: wholesale reform, or the black hole of history”.