Or, welcome to my low-maintenance heck.

SIERRA MADRE, Calif. (AP) - Despite threatening to destroy hundreds of homes in Southern California, the wildfire burning northeast of Los Angeles today assured voters that it was merely delivering on its promise of change.

"Even though I'm being attacked by tanker planes as part of the Vast Wet-Wing Conspiracy," said the conflagration, "I'd like to assure Americans that my only goal here is change. In Bush's America, millionaires in mansions roll around naked on piles of money from the Bush tax cuts. This causes bitterness among working people, forcing them to cling to water, firefighting equipment, and antipathy towards those with combustion rates different from their own."

Although some accused the blaze of stealing Obama's theme of "change", the voracious flames were quick to disagree. "The big difference between Obama and I is that he goes to these lavish California homes to raise millions, while I plan to raze millions of lavish California homes."

"And unlike Obama," continued the wildfire, "I'm not playing the race card here. Black, white, man, woman, gay, straight... it doesn't matter, because deep inside we're all Americans who will be charred into the smoking ash of equality as my plan for change sweeps across the state, and hopefully, the nation."

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain said that, although he opposed the fire's plan for a hellish nationwide inferno, he did support a scaled-down version, where people would be able to choose their own level of immolation.