Calling
the Jackass

For all of you who occasionally have a really
bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't
take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone
you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my
desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin
and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a
jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the
word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a
jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the
jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then
heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company
and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started
to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more
to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came
flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her
space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that,
Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass,
there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he
had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to
park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,
"You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now
since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number
of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd
better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone
answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow
house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone
down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed
dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for
me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to
call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I
gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely
saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start
saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now
Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and
called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street
and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.
34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of
each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one
of the greatest experiences of my life!