Tag Archives: delayed orgasm

There are a lot of Tantra and sexuality teachers out there teaching strict rules about sex…

– Woman: Don’t you dare have a clitoral orgasm! It’s so immature, and you’ll become grumpy and disconnected

– Man: Don’t ejaculate or you’ll end up energetically depleted

…

– Both of you: Don’t even bother to orgasm at all, you’ll have a dopamine crash and end up personally destroyed

I think rules like these are like “fad-diets” – they sound sexy and like they’ll work. And you might even get some quick results, until you crash and it probably isn’t even all that healthy to begin with.

A lot of these teachers become notorious and get a lot of attention, just like “fad-diet” gurus.

People love rules – they give a certain comfort – they make you feel like you’re really getting somewhere.

Just as we’ve battled with our addictions and use of food, we’ve been battling our addictions and use of sex.

The answer isn’t crazy control, it’s balance, and the simple choices day in and day out.

When it comes to sex, it’s just like diet. Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

When it comes to sex….Make real Love. Relax and Be Present. Breathe deeply and follow your Impulses.

I think a lot of “spiritual teachings” actually end up setting us on a path for war with ourselves.

Kill your ego. Stop desiring so much. Let go. Surrender. Either be celibate, or at least stop ejaculating or orgasming so much.

For God’s Sake: WHY?

Do you really think the creator set you up so that all of your natural impulses are the path to destruction?

Where does going to war with your humanity make you more real, more present, more alive?

Because if it isn’t real and present and alive, then it isn’t spiritual.

Same goes for sex.

If you find yourself controlling, battling and restricting your sexuality, it’s just sending you down another rabbit hole.

I believe the only true redemption comes first and foremost from being fully in love with and fully at peace with our humanity – and a huge part of humanity is sexuality.

Anything that isn’t arising from that kind of deeply self-loving foundation is a masked escape.

The first thing that drew me to Tantra was the prospect that I would become better in bed…that I might tap into some ancient secrets that would wow anyone that made it to my boudoir.

Thing is, it did, and I have, but not at all in the way that I imagined it would.

Far from a ‘fly-by-night guide to hot sex positions’ and ‘ways to drive your lover wild’, the Tantras are actually sacred texts.

It is important to understand some basic spiritual principles when embarking on a Tantric exploration:

As my mother would put it, “the past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift, and that’s why they call it the PRESENT.” Many spiritual paths hold to the idea that the key to getting the most out of life is by understanding what it means to really be here now.

The thing most seekers are looking for can be referred to as bliss, a sensation in body, mind, and spirit that goes beyond feeling. It can best be related to the way one feels when they first hold their child in their arms, the simple sweetness of smelling a flower and feeling it all through you. Most of us have had glimpses of it when we are lying in the embrace of our beloved, as we simply forget everything else in the world and are overcome with love. (Not to worry if this feeling does not sound familiar, bliss is ALWAYS around, we just don’t always have the sensitivity to recognize it.)

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE… beyond any theory, the thing that will take you deeper, faster is being honest, first with yourself, and then with all of those you relate to.

So, what does tantra have to do with all of this?

Tantra is unique as far as paths go, because it embraces both life and sexuality as vital aspects on the road to bliss.

The Tantras are scriptures of sorts that contain a series of meditations for experiencing the divine right here on earth! These meditations contain anything and everything that may help you drop the past and the future and GET PRESENT, the present moment being the only true doorway to bliss. So, it’s no surprise that at least a couple of the texts explore lovemaking as a means to open this door.

Core Elements

1. Slowing down

2. Moving from excitement and tension to relaxation

3. Becoming orgasmic rather than having orgasms

4. Making love without an agenda

5. Tuning in to the innate relationship between masculine and feminine energies/poles of energy

Why would I want to experience Tantra?

Most of us are barely scratching the surface of what is possible sexually. Even the tools that are offered to us to enhance our sex lives tend to be based in how we can get ourselves excited. And who doesn’t like to be excited? What tantra asks is, what happens when we drop the goal oriented path towards orgasm? When we drop any pre-conceived ideas of what sex or sexy is?

What we have come to describe as orgasm, is referred to in Tantra as a peak orgasmic experience. This is defined as a build up of excitement and tension in the body leading to an explosion of energy for a few moments, and quite often a feeling of descending or losing energy after. A term that is sometimes used in Tantra, is valley orgasm. This , put very simply, is when we relax into our excitement and, rather than move towards an orgasm, we simply surrender ourselves to the pleasure and allow it to take us deeper and deeper into the present moment with our lover…this is truly bliss.

It comes down to a very simple fact…

Scientifically speaking, we as man and woman are drawn together to procreate, so it is fair to say that this sex-act holds a lot of energy. This energy is available for us to open up to, whether we are creating life, or simply enjoying it by coming together in lovemaking. Each gender represents a ‘pole’; the man’s penis representing the positive pole, the woman’s vagina representing the negative. Like any magnet, we are drawn together. It is by tuning in to this energetic pull and trusting that our bodies have an intelligence of their own that we unlock the true mysteries of the union of man and woman.

So, how does Tantra work?

It is helpful to look at Tantra in three parts:

Connecting to the self- knowing your own body, meeting yourself, relaxing and awakening to greater sensitivity

Connecting to my partner- meeting them with greater sensitivity and awareness, slowing down, letting go of pre-conceived ideas of what this meeting will be like

Connecting through my partner to the divine

How do I start?

Begin sitting or standing across from your partner with your eyes closed.

Become aware of the breath moving in and out of your body. Let your mouth fall open and take both the in and out breath through your mouth. Feel as though the breath is caressing you from the inside, swirling through your body as it enters you.

Feel the breath moving deep into your body to the tips of your fingers, deep into your belly

Now imagine the breath moving all the way into your genitals, gently massaging them from the inside. Create a different relationship with them than we might be used to, allowing them to open and relax, rather than responding to stimulation.

Continue with the breath in this way for 10 to 15 minutes. This may be challenging for you, that is fine, just like flexing a muscle we have not used in a long time, it simply takes practice.

If you feel confident that you can truly feel the breath caressing the genitals, then you can move onto the next stage; tightening and releasing the PC muscle. This is the muscle that you would use if you were urinating and you wanted to stop the flow of urine. For this part of the practice you will be tightening as you breathe in and releasing when you exhale. We are simply continuing to build a new relationship with this part of the body. Maintaining this for 5 minutes is a great start, though you can do it for up to 15 or 20 minutes.

The final stage for building the energy is to add a rocking of the pelvis. Breathing in, rocking back and tightening the PC muscle; breathing out, rocking forward and releasing. Now, all three at once may seem like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time-remember that you don’t have to get it ‘right’. The most important thing is just that you create a connection to your genitals in a new way, however that happens for you is fine.

Now, after at least 15 minutes of focusing on your connection to yourself, youcan stop, open your eyes and gaze at your partner. This process is so simple, and can create such intimacy, yet we hardly ever do it. You can imagine that you are seeing this person for the first time, truly let them in. You may feel like giggling, you may even feel like crying. Once again, there are no rules in tantra, whatever comes naturally is fine and all you need do is stay in touch with whatever you are feeling in any given moment.

Important to know

No two tantra exercises are alike. This example is very powerful when done fully, and still, it is the tip of the iceberg as far as tantra goes. Tantra works with breath (as described above), movement, sound, and guided meditation-anything that will get you to re-connect with the true responses in the body. Other meditations might include shaking the body, partner yoga positions, making sounds on different parts of your lovers body, or blindfolding your partner and offering them things to delight their senses. Finally, tantra offers actual lovemaking techniques (you will have to tune in to the continuation of this article to catch those).

Summing up

Being on the Tantric path to bliss can be as simple as noticing how you are feeling in your own body as you interact with your lover, sharing the TRUTH of what you are going through in any given moment, adding eye contact to your lovemaking. All of these, and ANY tantric exercise, are simply ways of helping you to let go of the distractions and truly be PRESENT to yourself and your partner. As you embark on this exploration, remember just because these exercises seem intense, they don’t have to be serious! Tantra is very good-humored and light-hearted.

Deva Charu Morgan is a practicing Tantra expert with over 5 years experience sharing Tantric wisdom internationally and the Los Angeles region. She can be contacted directly via e-mail at: charu@embodytantra.com .