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Love Letter to Bryson on his 1st Birthday

This is my heart, my soul, my dear child.
Bryson Bradley Niehaus, you are 1 today. My sweet precious little angel baby Brycie. Child I don’t even know where to start…
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
I know I know you’ve heard this verse. You remember. This is this the verse we chose when dedicating you. But child you cannot even begin to fathom that every single time I think deeply about you, this verse immediately comes to my mind. You are a good and perfect gift and the Father above sent you directly to me when I needed you most. You see child I’m not quite sure (almost certainly) that I would be where I am today had you not been given to me. You helped me obey The Lord when he called me in what I feel was a mighty way, and I will be forever grateful to you.
You are so very special to me, and I want you to know that. Really truly know it, believe it, feel it. My child you have been my everything, my lifeline this year. I believe I have been yours too. 😄 Thank goodness you would think this year has been all about me… No child you did not make this time easy. You made this time extremely difficult and challenging. With that being said, at this very moment, I can’t imagine anything more rewarding than calling you mine and journeying together during this time.
You see child, God told me it was time to have another child. That was a little problem. I knew it was going to be a slight major challenge to have your daddy see this. We had a just turned 1 year old and 2 1/2 year old, and though he has been an amazing provider to our family, it was not going to be the right time financially, emotionally, physically, I know, you get it. IT WILL NEVER BE THE RIGHT TIME FOR ANYONE. There is no perfect situation here on Earth. Even though I hate to admit this… It doesn’t sound right or fair, I know, but I must admit it. It is true. I feel so guilty even writing this. Courtney gets what she wants. Why? Because she is Courtney. Please ask my cousin, Blake, why that is someday. I’m hoping he might possibly have somewhat, somehow, a little insight to that one. With that being said, when I come to your daddy (the most amazing man I could have ever met) with these BIG things… I feel bad. It puts pressure on him. I don’t want to put pressure on him. However, in this instance, as with a few others, when it is God, not me, I feel as though I have no choice. It was one of those times. I had to tell him. I knew we would not be seeking fertility help like we did with your older brother and older sister, and I really didn’t feel we would be adopting, though that too has been laid very heavily on our hearts. We had been told that we had a little teeny chance of having a child in the traditional way. Sorry I don’t want to talk to you about that. I know that makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel uncomfortable as well. But, I’m your mom, we will be talking about these things. Not sorry. It’s life. Let’s move on.
Though your brother and your sister came to be through fertility treatments, my love, my excitement was no more, no less when I found out I was expecting you. I just had dreamt about what it would feel like to pee on a stick and see a positive sign. I wanted that experience. I am ALL about experiences. The experience of getting a phone call with positive news is pretty incredible. One I thank God for as often as I can. My child, I’ll be honest, they are equally incredible. Both just amazing experiences. Child, you provided me with an experience. One I like to live over and over and over again. I’m pretty confident those that are in my life get pretty darn sick of me saying that word, but experiences, even the ones that appear to be bad at the time, they are what make you who you are. So experience on child. I know you will. I see it in you. We are connected forever by a bound that can’t be put into words even though I’m trying my best. You will enjoy, embrace, readily invite experiences into your life. I know it. You will make me proud. You already have in just one little year. One year that has been more than I could have ever dreamt.
My child I don’t have your stats. In fact, I’ll admit, I don’t think I have even thought to open your baby book to write or put pictures in it. I didn’t plan a birthday party for you. I don’t have your 1 yr old professional pictures scheduled yet. My child, we have been too busy experiencing.
Just as with the others, I knew I was pregnant with you before I got the positive news. I knew I would have you.
Here’s the 411 though buddy. I believe from the second I saw that miracle, that magical line, I didn’t feel good. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. I LOVED just about every second being pregnant with the others, I wanted so badly to treasure every moment with what I knew would be my last pregnancy. But, honey, you made that impossible. That’s okay. It was an experience I will never forget. You blessed me. With the help of what I firmly believe is the greatest husband and daddy here on Earth, a son and brother as well as a daughter and sister that light up my life every.singe.day, and parents and grandparents that genuinely love you as much as I do, and I feel that since you have moved far away from them, there have been days that it hurt so bad to be away from you that they felt their heart breaking in pieces. The only thing that has given them peace is our God, the God that did more for me and you than any of these people in the previous sentence. You see he carried us, and though I love you so much my heart could just burst my precious child, he loves you MORE. Yes it’s possible. I don’t know how it is. I don’t know how to explain it to you. Can you just trust me on this one? I’ve been given a gift, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and he says it’s true. I pray every.single.person who reads this (I highly doubt many will have made it this far), but nonetheless for anyone that should happen to, I pray that you know this. If you haven’t given your life to Christ, I urge you to do it now. You can spend an eternity with this kind of love.
Hello my child. I’m back now. Maybe you understand me a little better now. I want to bring people to Christ. I want to help people on their faith journey. I want to make disciples. You were a tool that has gotten me to this point. Thank you. How can I thank you enough? This is where I have wanted to be since I was just a little child, but I didn’t know how to get there.
I’m your mommy. God called me to be your mommy. However, God also called me to reach other people. So, though while I will rarely let you out of my sight until you leave our home, there will be times I will need to answer God’s calling.
God is so good! You see, I’m getting tired, and since I was a teeny bit wordy, 😉 just making it to your grand entrance – wait have we even made it there – Honestly, have we even got there? I don’t remember! Anyway, I was starting to wonder how I was going to cram your first year into what little energy I have left (which feels like a single paragraph.) Never fear, Daddy is here. So please, stay tuned – Daddy is busy making an amazing video of your 1st year, so I can be done with this letter shortly. I will post it, fingers crossed, today. You have been blessed to have an opportunity to see the experiences of your 1st year through pictures and videos. I need not write much about it.
Now…you came out 8 lbs 8 oz. You have always been a big strong boy, right from the start. Never even felt like a newborn. I was sad we couldn’t use those adorable little newborn diapers, but God made you big and strong for a reason, so I accepted better than I thought I could. You flew through your clothes. It’s okay. That’s what you were made to do. God made you special, and I recognize that. You were quite the little stinker. I planned for you to be my “go with the flow” child. How else would I survive 3 kids 3 and under? You showed me the way. You didn’t like to be in your car seat, and I’m so glad. I got to hold you in restaurants, stores, church, everywhere, rather than you watch us from a car seat. More special time with you – win! You didn’t take a bottle, and I’m so glad. We flew back and forth to Jacksonville a couple times, so you got to come with us. More special time – win! I packed up our family with you on my hip, that’s okay. More special time with you – win! I think I can count on my fingers the # of nights you slept through. My precious child, that’s okay. More time with you – win! You have been one of the cutest, sweetest, most fun babies ever. Mommy loves you, but remember God loves you even more!
Love, Mommy
P.S. I didn’t worry about proofreading this letter because I plan to homeschool, and I think that is an assignment for you. Got to get you to read it somehow my love!