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Advice to Women about Toxic Relationships

I got along with my in-laws and it seemed like they liked me a lot. They lived in another state so we didn't have day-to-day interactions. My in-laws were down-to-earth and so am I. My inlaws were much more practical than I, but they didn't criticize me and I never said anything bad about them to my husband or to them. They passed away near the time that my grandparents did.

But for women whose mothers-in-law don't like them, and treat them with utmost disrespect, and the husband acts as if it's okay, what advice would you give? Personally, I think the husband should step up to the plate and tell his mother to stop treating his wife like that. He should tell his mother, "We won't visit you, if you can't be nice." Is the man afraid of his parents? I just don't get it.

Yes, the husband is the one who should be setting the boundaries. Although you'd think most mother-in-laws should have the maturity to know better, they often don't want to until it takes a talking to from their son to "behave" towards their wife.

I think yes some men ARE afraid of their parents. Actually mothers can be scary. My dad ran away from home because of his mother. Apparentely she was a tyrant of a mother. We still visited her when she was alive though..but I really dont remember her much. I dont ever remember any loving actions toward me or family. She was just kind of there.
My mum told me her mum once threatened to kill herself AND her daughter. When this grandma got old and ill, despite having eight children, nobody really wanted to look after her. She ended up dying in hospital in pain.

The thing is not everyone is a christian, remember that. Mothers think they own you. Carrying you in the womb for nine months kind of gives them ownership rights.

I got along with my in-laws and it seemed like they liked me a lot. They lived in another state so we didn't have day-to-day interactions. My in-laws were down-to-earth and so am I. My inlaws were much more practical than I, but they didn't criticize me and I never said anything bad about them to my husband or to them. They passed away near the time that my grandparents did.

But for women whose mothers-in-law don't like them, and treat them with utmost disrespect, and the husband acts as if it's okay, what advice would you give? Personally, I think the husband should step up to the plate and tell his mother to stop treating his wife like that. He should tell his mother, "We won't visit you, if you can't be nice." Is the man afraid of his parents? I just don't get it.

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The problem is with how the person has been conditioned...he/or she was raised around parents and were taught a certain way to do things...probably the "don't make waves" method and some twisted version of honor your parents.

I've seen the same type of thing going on with the wife's parents who disrespect
her husband and the wife don't say nothing because she's had a life time of being
told to respect her parents/obey them, don't make waves etc... and there's been
few times she's heard the words "honor your spouse" and rarer yet be actually hearing it taught as to what that means and how it's done.

It takes a lot of prayer, agape, effort and time to undo a life time of bad teaching/bad parenting...sadly, few even want to undertake the task.

The problem is with how the person has been conditioned...he/or she was raised around parents and were taught a certain way to do things...probably the "don't make waves" method and some twisted version of honor your parents.

I've seen the same type of thing going on with the wife's parents who disrespect
her husband and the wife don't say nothing because she's had a life time of being
told to respect her parents/obey them, don't make waves etc... and there's been
few times she's heard the words "honor your spouse" and rarer yet be actually hearing it taught as to what that means and how it's done.

It takes a lot of prayer, agape, effort and time to undo a life time of bad teaching/bad parenting...sadly, few even want to undertake the task.

Click to expand...

Well, it would be horrible to have either set of parents not allowing a couple to stand up for his/her spouse. The only escape I can think of is to move away. If you're married, you have to be kind and supportive of your spouse unless the spouse is being abusive or doing something harmful such as not being financially responsible.

I think yes some men ARE afraid of their parents. Actually mothers can be scary. My dad ran away from home because of his mother. Apparentely she was a tyrant of a mother. We still visited her when she was alive though..but I really dont remember her much. I dont ever remember any loving actions toward me or family. She was just kind of there.
My mum told me her mum once threatened to kill herself AND her daughter. When this grandma got old and ill, despite having eight children, nobody really wanted to look after her. She ended up dying in hospital in pain.

The thing is not everyone is a christian, remember that. Mothers think they own you. Carrying you in the womb for nine months kind of gives them ownership rights.

Click to expand...

I wouldn't want my children around toxic grandparents! And who can live with a spouse that loves his/her parents more?

My daughter (youngest child) is getting married next Saturday. I've got a lunch scheduled with the couple this week, and one of the things I'm going to tell them:

Don't complain to your parents about your spouse. I'm not talking about "marriage extinction" events like actual abuse, I'm talking about the things that you already know you're going to kiss and make up over. Parents are going to store up that negativity and hold it against your spouse. They won't get both sides of the story and they don't have a way to release the anger with a nice night out and make-up sex.

So, basically, don't run to mama and daddy every time your spouse annoys you. Don't carry that drama to your mama.

And, to paraphrase a movie of a few years ago, always remember: Invest you time in your releationship with each other, not with us. When we're dead, you'll still be here.

Well, it would be horrible to have either set of parents not allowing a couple to stand up for his/her spouse. The only escape I can think of is to move away. If you're married, you have to be kind and supportive of your spouse unless the spouse is being abusive or doing something harmful such as not being financially responsible.

Click to expand...

Its called leaving and cleaving. Yes. If you the husband its your duty to leave your own parents. Not the wife. The mother daughter bond, no matter how fraught is always there but the son, if hes a man, needs to grow up and focus on his wife to make their own family. Othewise what is the point of marrying.

Its called leaving and cleaving. Yes. If you the husband its your duty to leave your own parents. Not the wife. The mother daughter bond, no matter how fraught is always there but the son, if hes a man, needs to grow up and focus on his wife to make their own family. Othewise what is the point of marrying.

Click to expand...

In my case, we weren't around my mother. She moved all over every year. Time visiting my toxic father wasn't pleasant. My parents didn't know how to be parents/grandparents. In life, we can even learn from negative events.

My daughter (youngest child) is getting married next Saturday. I've got a lunch scheduled with the couple this week, and one of the things I'm going to tell them:

Don't complain to your parents about your spouse. I'm not talking about "marriage extinction" events like actual abuse, I'm talking about the things that you already know you're going to kiss and make up over. Parents are going to store up that negativity and hold it against your spouse. They won't get both sides of the story and they don't have a way to release the anger with a nice night out and make-up sex.

So, basically, don't run to mama and daddy every time your spouse annoys you. Don't carry that drama to your mama.

And, to paraphrase a movie of a few years ago, always remember: Invest you time in your releationship with each other, not with us. When we're dead, you'll still be here.