Best Movie Title Ever

When I first saw the Drag Me To Hell billboards above EDSA waiting sheds, I thought it was one of those low-budget movies with funny titles or one of those unknown studio movies with funny titles (i.e. The Sinking of Japan). But it bannered the name of Sam Raimi. And to me, any film by a director/producer/maker with a name that has ever been related to the wonderful world of Asian horror (and comic book flicks), has got to have something watchable and enjoyable.

Besides, the WTF title got stuck in my head for days. So one rainy night, while me and Nalyn were singing along to Smokey Mountain on the way home, the EDSA merchandising by VIVA International Pictures with the picture of the lead star being, that’s right, dragged to hell, again presented itself. Drag me to hell, June 3, it repeatedly said. So I found myself text brigading, inviting anyone who might be interested. A day after, I, Larry, Val, and to some extent, Leo, helped Drag Me To Hell find itself among Twitter’s trending topics.

Come opening night, we (I, Nalyn, Cris, Larry, Karen, Erik, Val & Rhian) lined up at Greenbelt , with Larry briefing us on Sam Raimi’s filmography. We’re cineastes like that. Haha. So anyway, we entered the theater, with some of us practice-squealing during the pre-movie trailers.

Like many other horror movies, it started with a flashback when all the demonic encounters began. Of course it involved people of different ethnicity. Of course it involved non-American cultures and beliefs. Evil forces always start somewhere else like in African archaeological sites or in Japanese offices with love struck Japanese women with long hair.

And then we meet Christine Brown, a loan officer hungry for promotion so that she be a higher ranking loan officer. She approves /disapproves loans… or something like that. Wanting to prove herself, she rendered an old woman homeless after some financial mumbo jumbo. Obviously, old woman did not join Nalyn, Larry and Val’s presentation skills seminar cause even though she wanted to have her plea approved, she came with all the filth in the world including long dirty fingernails, slimy dentures she wraps with her dirty magical hanky (more on this later), and she expels oozy phlegm in front of Christine (prompting Cris to put away her NY Fries that she smothered with oozy cheeze dip. But I ate the fries anyway).

Christine denied the old woman’s loan extension and the old lady begged on her knees, Christine called security, old lady lost her balance and old lady went fuming mad because Christine shamed her. On her way home, old lady and her magical hanky attacked Christine violently. She’s some very powerful old lady. In this part of the movie, old lady’s mouth began showing its unbelievable powers of expelling all kinds of disgusting things into the mouth of others. Old lady grabbed a button from Christine’s coat and she cursed the button and gave it back to the loan girl. And so that’s how all the fun began.

All the fun meant (in no particular order) Christine being lifted and thrown by an unseen goat like creature, old lady with worms or the blob coming out of her mouth and into Christine’s, the very looney tuney dropping of the anvil over old lady’s head with her eyes popping out and entering, again, Christine’s mouth, the persistent exploration of a fly of Christine’s innards by entering her, that’s right, mouth. Wow, they might have just looked at pictures of mouth during this movie’s casting phase. Also, there were eyeballs and maggots in cakes, kitties being slain, “Hi I’m a Mac” guy using his Mac line, Christine’s nose bleeding like a fire hose, Kenny “Babyface” Edmonds and Aling Dionesia leading the exorcism rights. I guess that’s about it. Oh right, have I mentioned the constant popping of old lady’s scary face and the violent attacks of the hanky that’s got a mind of its own?

After everything that Christine’s been through, Babyface tells her that there is actually a way to stop the curse. She can give away the cursed button and so, passing on the curse to the next owner. Christine decided to dig up old lady and shove the envelope containing what she thought was the button (but was in fact the coin she stole from their bank and gave Mac guy). She almost died doing it because she conked out after getting hit by the grave’s cross and she nearly drowned because old lady’s body kept clinging on her, making it hard for her to get out of the watery grave (It was raining!).

Just when she thought it’s all over, she met Mac Guy at MRT Cubao station, in a new coat. Mac guy showed her her button and she freaked out and she was pushed by the throng of Cubao commuters to the tracks. Kidding! Her extreme state of shock caused her to walk backwards, causing her to fall on the tracks till the ground opened up. So the movie ended with Christine being dragged to hell and Mac guy, well, crying because he had no idea that his girlfriend is terrified of buttons.

Lessons from the movie:

Rhian said we should all practice the habit of labeling all our envelopes (ex. cursed button).

The next time Citibank harasses us for our credit card balances, we can curse them for shaming us so that one day, they’ll be the one begging us.

The better way to express shock is to stand still, open your mouth wide and cover it with one hand. That’s so much safer than walking backwards.

Asian immigrants, especially bankers, are career driven and are always scheming.

When possessed, touch a goat.

When meeting your fiance’s parents, it’s best to talk about what you have in common (ex. alcoholic parents).

Office supplies are no weapon against old ladies.

Do not shame old ladies. Even if they get all your complimentary desk sweets.

When being attacked by anything demonic in nature, cover your mouth.

This movie may be just one of Sam Raimi’s elaborate jokes, but I completely get it. Hahaha.

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