Partners of Unemployed People: Take Care of Yourself

May 19, 2010 • Contributed by Laura H.S. Collins

Unemployment is a downright monster. Most often, we see a lot of support for the unemployed person who is building his or her resume, interviewing, networking, staying busy, and being positive. I certainly hope and pray that our economy improves soon and each unemployed person finds work that is fulfilling in both meaning and income.

But how about support for the partners of unemployed people?

Ms. Y (not her real name) came in the other day and said, “My husband has been unemployed for over two years. Over two years. Over—two—years! I say it, dumbfounded, because at some point every day, I realize that I can’t believe how long it’s been. First it was an industry crisis. Then came his depression. Then there was his second wind, his revival. Then the revival turned into stagnation again. There were a number of short-term freelance gigs. There were rejections, interviews, and even jobs-in-hand that folded at the last minute thanks to the tanking economy.

“During every rise and fall of this god-forsaken unemployment phase, I have been there to support my partner every step of the way. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being the sole breadwinner. I’m especially tired of all those people who tell me what they think about my husband’s lack-of-work situation. During these years, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, ‘I feel so bad for your partner. Your partner really needs support. Be patient, be supportive.’

“I think to myself, ‘Me, be patient? Me, be supportive? When haven’t I been?!’ I want to jump out of my skin and slap that person silly. Instead, I stuff my pride, and in my most polite tone, I tell the preacher-man to stick it. I want to hear what they have to say after they’ve supported their unemployed partner for over two years. I doubt it’ll be the same thing, I swear. Jerk.”

My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. It is tough to be unemployed, but it is equally tough to be the partner watching and supporting the unemployed person. It is a terribly helpless position. Some have become involuntary breadwinners, straining to care for everyone and everything with one lone paycheck. All are forced to be passengers on the emotional roller coaster ride of a loved one’s bout with unemployment.

Some are the only people their unemployed partners will talk to about their suffering. Often, their emotional needs involuntarily get thrown aside because of the attitude that “unemployment isn’t happening to you, it’s happening to the unemployed.” Both the unemployed and partners of unemployed vacillate on the spectrum between the hope for the day of the “Great News” (“I start a new, real job on Monday and can help pay the bills now!”) and fear that their savings will be sucked dry and they’ll be forced to live in a shelter—or worse, their parents’ house.

I say unto you, dear partners: It is time.

Partners, it is indeed time to take care of you. You deserve it. You have done an amazing job of standing by your unemployed person’s side despite the mental, physical, and spiritual turmoil that unemployment puts everyone through. So first of all, do yourself a favor and give yourself—your mind, body, and soul—a break.

How can you possibly give yourself a break at a time like this? Well, if you don’t, you’re going to keel over, for one. The truth of the matter is that unemployment is not what defines you or your partner completely. In other words, each of you is a complex, multifaceted human being who remains healthy as long as your mental, physical, spiritual, and relationship states are receiving attention. At this moment, unemployment is taking a toll on these four realms; however, the trick to lessening unemployment’s severe control is self-care.

Self-care means honoring the other facets of your personality and life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. Take a look at the following short lists of self-care ideas that honor these other parts of who you are. You’ll find that many ideas can cross multiple realms:

Mental: Attend individual and/or group therapy. Meditate, listen to music, take a vacation alone or with a friend or partner, spend time with loved ones, take a class, or escape through watching movies or reading.

Spiritual: Pray alone or with others. Choose to be silent, join a group on a spiritual practice that you enjoy, light a candle and reflect, journal your thoughts and feelings, or attend spiritual events and retreats.

Physical: Get a massage, exercise, go for a walk, take a hot bath, get regular sleep, dance, play sports, do yoga, paint, draw, sing, arrange flowers, color mandalas, play music, use relaxation techniques, or cook.

Relationship: Attend couples counseling. Create creative dates, like cooking from scratch together; do an activity together on a regular basis, like volunteering; take a week-long vacation from talking and thinking about unemployment; have sex.

Try any or all of these ideas, and keep adding to these lists. Find what works for you. You’ll see that given enough respite, you will have more energy to carry on your daily tasks until the “Great News” arrives. No one will be able to do this for you. You have to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of everyone and everything else. So, dear partners, be good to yourself and feed your mind, body, and soul. It is long overdue.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

janet

May 20th, 2010 at
2:58 AM

Oh my gosh I think I am Ms. Y. It has been almost a year and a half since my husband lost his job and still no leads. The only money he brings in now is he has started cutting grass for some family and friends, so maybe that’s like $50 a week. I am almost to the end of my rope. But like Ms Y my husband has run the gamut of being excited to look for a new job, depressed, moving and searching and back again. I think I am cycling through all of this just as he is and I am not sure how much longer I can be the supportive wife that I know I really have to be to get all of us through this. I have taken on a new role as the breadwinner in the family, and believe me my job does not provide that much bread if you know what I mean. So I just don’t really know what to do anymore. This has lasted way longer than we ever anticipated that it would and quite frankly there are days where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Anne

June 25th, 2016 at
9:26 PM

My husband has been unemployed for two years. Thank God, I have a good freelance job which pays enough to make the ends meet. My income is enough for the expenses, but it cannot cover savings, emergency funds, etc. Our three-year-old son has just started schooling and it worries me even more. Yes, the longer hours of work is tiring, but it is the pressure of being the sole breadwinner is killing me. After he failed to look for full-time job, I encouraged him to do freelance as well. I even paid for an online class for him. Now, it’s time to apply to online jobs but all he does is to play with our kid, play games on his phone, etc. Whenever I ask him to please look for work, he would roam around the house, clean, wash the laundry and make himself useful in house chores. :( What should I do? He does not have any vices, and is very frugal. I am thankful for that. But, I need him to work.. not for me, but for our son. :(

Janet

June 29th, 2016 at
11:27 AM

Hi I am Mrs Y too, yet I am not the wife I am the girlfriend. I have been with my partner for more than 3 years. Things were going well for him until he made an investment abroad and he lost everything, and I mean everything. He couldnt maintain his home loans so he lost all his assets too. He moved in with me and my children. We love each other and want to get married, but my husband didnt want to complete the divorce. Now the x is willing to divorce but it leaves me in a predicament. I feel my partner should at least do a voluntary job for a church or a charity and thus show that he is willing to work since he cant find useful employment. He wanted to start up a business but i wasnt willing to put lots of money into a new venture.
He has nowhere to go anymore and he literally has only what I give him. We are both in our middle fifties and its hard to find employment at that age in our environment. Gosh why does life get so complicated? I really love him and have tried all the methods of encouragement, helping with starting new ventures all which led to nothing or no success or income.
My family and other friends are somewhat critical of the situation, thus we avoid them where possible. Other friend or people we mix with dont know about the situation and therefore dont say anything and I just keep quiet, its easier that way.

Kelly

January 3rd, 2017 at
9:35 AM

Well, I can relate. My husband had to resign from his job of over 12 years in 2013 when he was very sick. It turned out that he had chronic appendicitis, but it took the doctors two years to figure that out. They told him it was high stomach acid and that made him even sicker. So, we got past that. The problem is he is 51 and has been unable to find another job. He’s tried for everything from minimum wage to whatever else is available. There are no jobs that pay what he used to make ($60K plus benefits). It’s always that he’s either under qualified, or overqualified. I have no idea what employers want anymore. We both have college degrees. So, I am working two jobs, and trying to keep us afloat on $37,000 a year. I do not have health insurance through work, so have to go through the exchange. So many people don’t get it and I’ve been told to just cut costs. I don’t have much to cut. I cut my own hair, sew clothes back together, skip meals (but I am overweight, so you would never know it. We don’t go out to dinner unless someone gave us a gift card as a gift, or I earn one from doing surveys. I’ve had people complain to me how as a single person they can’t make it work on $50-$60K a year! I tried to get a full-time job, but was turned down because I had been working “part-time” for too long. Another person made fun of me for leaving a job after 4 years. I left because I was driving 40 miles a day for a part-time job, and found a job closer to home- that also offered better pay. The person questioned whether I knew how far I would driving when I took the job. I’ve also been told that I am a job hopper. I’ve been at my current two jobs for six and a half years! So, I guess some people are lucky and just have never had to deal with any problems in their lives.

michele

August 11th, 2016 at
12:14 AM

first live-in mistake from 2001 to 2010 only worked one year out of nine .was hooked on internet and internet games. I worked 12 hour days 7 days per week. finally my mother got me away from him and paid for a new place. after 3 weeks of peace she unloaded my smooch daughter she took from me in the eighth grade-straight a’s at time. then in 2011 she brought a gang of 4 smoochers for 2 years. called police 14 times plus moved again, only to have one last guy that was the strongest of them all. 4 years he is not working . only on computer like the guy for 9 years, now 4 more, while I work 3 jobs 4 years. now almost 53, extremelely depressed, and unsocially unaccepted. at this age I don’t know another way out without violence which results in tickets and jail for the male. wish him to die off hate to say. I want to live alone. help

MichelleA

March 6th, 2018 at
5:46 PM

Don’t feel bad, ya’ll. My husband has been unemployed for over five, YES, FIVE years, yes, YEARS. It’s the most difficult thing ever. After chapter 7, we still have our home (somehow), but it’s becoming impossible. He’s highly educated, but not being picked up by any employers. He is working as an Uber Driver. It hurts your pride, your heart, your marriage. But we have defied all odds so far. Our kids are pretty happy, but we all know we could have more. We put on a great facade. Don’t know how much more we can hang on. I am the bread-winner and only make about $55K. We are to the point where we need so many things and are falling behind on everything. We have equity in our home, so that’s our final option or if we get foreclosed on. We may have to relocate.

MichelleA

November 8th, 2018 at
1:08 PM

UPDATE: Guess what? A month after this post, he got a job. A good one. He’s been doing great and our life is slowly coming together. Do not give up on him, on hope. If your husband is trying to do something- small jobs, helping with the kids, going to school, then be patient. If they are in a dark place, pray for them and your family that he comes out of it. I promise that if we did this for FIVE years and are in a happy place now, it’s possible. XOXO

H

November 20th, 2018 at
11:00 PM

I am super happy for you :) Thanks for giving me glimpses of hope.

My husband has been out of a full time job for 6.5 years. He is a scientist and had no interest in switching to a teaching career. He does a few hour tutor work here and there after I nag him time after time after time. I have to say I have a lot of resentment towards him because I basically become the main breadwinner with no say. He always talks about enjoying life, money is only a tool, blah blah blah but all because he knows I make good money with my job and I have no choice but to support him. I was brought up in a traditional family, with the father being the provider. So this has been tremendously difficult for me but he does not care. He still has his hobby, staying up late to watch TV, while I am so stressed about my job, waking up at 6.15am everyday to go to work. I don’t mind working hard, but I just cannot accept him living off on me while he thinks it’s absolutely ok and still wait for his “dream job”. I am so sad …. :(

Amanda

August 12th, 2018 at
5:26 PM

Omg im miss y. My fiance.. Has been unemployed for 3 and half years.. Since we first pretty much start dating.. During the 3 years yes he had some free lance jobs or temp jobs …but nothing that lasts more then months at a time.. Or even a year. His unemployment ran out last year.. Ive been the bread winner for the longest time. Paying rent paying bills. I work in retail been with the same place since the store open..im done being the winner. Esp now we are expecting that makes it 10 times more hard.. Its just not us to worry about its the baby too..
He going to college now for his ba. He just got his a.s. is graphic design.. But the jobs that are offer to him are day jobs he will start back to school on aug 27 morning to 530 at night..
Yes he gets loans out but loans wont cover us for long.. Its annoying he wont do retail we wont do food. Im suppose to be supported.. Of him its hard too really is.. I have no clue what is going to happen really dont.. When the baby is born..
I get told if he does work its going be on the weekends.. You can close.. He had a job recently and quit cause he was getting no hours.. Well at least it was some money coming in.. Some what help.. And b****** at me when i complaint about it.. I have every right to be.. He Needs to grow up
And start looking.. I hope when he is done with college.. Hell understand that not every one gets a job in the area of study…

Miranda

November 7th, 2018 at
12:59 PM

It’s so frustrating and scary. We were struggling BEFORE my husband was laid off.He chose to drink,surf the internet (which my kids need to complete schoolwork and lie on the couch. Dishes filling up the sink..and complains to me and the kids that no one does anything. I work 6 days a week only making $10 an hour. He and kids lost health insurance and he spent up all of the severance . I cannot pay all our bills. If we are evicted Im taking the kids and leaving. He knows better. And will not get help for depression and alcoholism.

Laura HS Collins, LCSW

May 20th, 2010 at
6:45 AM

Janet,

I hear you and you are absolutely not alone. You will most definitely have days when you can handle it and days when you’re at your wits end. For as long as you have to deal with the unemployment monster, I hope that you give yourself space and time to find ways to take care of yourself. Despite how it can feel at times, you and your family are incredibly strong to have survived a year and a half in the stress of unemployment.

I will be thinking of you and wishing the best for you. Hang in there.
Laura

Matt

May 21st, 2010 at
3:00 AM

It must be so hard for anybody to be going through this…its one thing going through an economical difficulty but what is tougher is that you cannot even shout at your partner…you cannot ask them to go take a hike!It must be so tough.

Its like we have to get them to work but at the same time cannot be rude to them…utter confusion and I have no idea how someone in such a situation would react and do things!

Jon

May 21st, 2010 at
4:47 AM

Nobody ever thinks of how unemployment affects those who are living it. You think, oh just go get a job anything will do and that is not the way it is. First of all even menial jobs are tough to come across these days- I mean I have a degree in engineering and can’t even get hired on at Wal Mart- I guess they know that I am only looking for somehting temporary with them until I can find something financially stable for me and my family for a long time. Plus I think people look at your resume and realize you are way overqualified and will not even give you a second glance. So it is tough from a lot of different standpoints.

Sam

December 16th, 2017 at
11:32 AM

Maybe you’re not getting a job because your reading comprehension is low. Did you even read the article? Have you even read these comments? It’s been said, at length, that there is empathy and understanding for the person that is unemployed. Maybe those of us that have to support you are tired of you only seeing it from your side after we’ve been taking care of ourselves and YOU for years.

Angelica

January 14th, 2018 at
9:13 PM

Personally, I am sick and tired of being used, I pay for shelter, food, clothing, household maintenance items, laundry, basically EVERYTHING, for a partner I consider now a con-artist. He plays this game: I applied for four jobs today….a month goes by, he never bothered to follow up on the jobs. OR! He gets angry at ME for asking him how his job hunting is going…You guys…it has been FIVE !@#$% YEARS! I am ready to move on and I told him. Sick sick sick of abusive moochers. So don’t give me that “oh, be patient, he’s having a rough time, he was abused when he was a child, blah blah blah” Well you know what I say, “so what.” I am not going to waste what life I have left on this planet to support some mooching con artist.

Kelly

August 13th, 2018 at
8:19 PM

reading this really brings me down to know how much us breadwinners suffer but yet therapeutic especially when I laugh my azz off as read Sam’s first-liner.

Corey

December 16th, 2017 at
3:04 PM

Attitude can have a lot to do with it as well. If you walk into places like Walmart and act as though you are “better than this place and are merely doing them a favor by agreeing to lower your standards and work there” chances are you won’t be working there. These places love serving up heaping helpings of humble pie and doing all that they can to damage the ego of someone with a high and mighty attitude to bring them down a couple of pegs.

Corey

December 16th, 2017 at
3:06 PM

They realize that you are probably going to feel like Tom Brady hypothetically being rejected by The Cleveland Browns and this is how they want you to feel, shocked, in disbelief and hurt. You’ll question them for a while “how can they be such idiots and not see the value I can bring?” But shortly and especially if this happens more than once you’ll start to question yourself.

Laura HS Collins, LCSW

May 21st, 2010 at
7:49 AM

Matt, you’re right, unemployment certainly puts partners in the position of being stuck between a rock and a wall. It’s overwhelming and terrible for everyone.

Jon, you’re right as well. There have been numerous articles recently on the “plague of being overqualified and post-bachelors educated.” The other day, a client of mine said, “I went to an interview for an administrative assistant position. One of the interviewers said to me, ‘You have a masters degree and you want to serve me coffee?'” My client felt both downtrodden and irate, at the same time. With reason! You are not alone. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you good vibes for finding stable work.

Jessica

July 6th, 2010 at
10:52 AM

My live-in boyfriend has been unemployed for two years, so I totally understand where many of you are coming from. It’s been so difficult and our situation is growing more and more tense as time goes on. I do everything I can to help him, but I can tell I’m starting to become more resentful that I’m the one bringing home the money. I love him to death, but HOW LONG is too long? It’s beyond frustrating.

Angelica

Lucy

October 9th, 2012 at
2:48 AM

Some of these posts are a yr or two old so i don’t know if anyone will read this. I’ve just come across it and want to say that as a partner of an unemployed man who I’ve been supporting for nearly a year…this time….i agree that its not all about the poor unemployed person who must feel stressed n guilty etc….try working 50hrs a week and paying all the bills while ur partner stays home and does…well,who knows what…gets up at midday..then talk about stress. Try doing that and having no time to yourself because suddenly they are there all. The. Time. Having to quit activities coz u can’t spare the money even tho u work like Demon. Oh yea and try being supportive when u know they walked out on their job. Without first finding Another. For the second time. Just saying…the supportive partner needs support too.

Barbara

June 22nd, 2016 at
9:29 PM

Hi Luzy, how is your situation going? I’ve been with a guy for 25 years now, father of my two children. During this time his worked full time twice, both jobs last just one year each, and he left both jobs of his own accord. He’s worked part time for 6 years for four hours a day, and had the occasional two to four month job and finish type job – I always thought he was just real unlucky – 25 years on I know realise that he manifested it all cause he really had no interest in working! Same about the house – he does just enough to stop me throwing him out. I’m over feeling sorry for him and have suddenly realised I feel sorry for me. haha talk about a slow learner. Hope you’re situation has improved. I do worry though, unemployment is causing a huge social problem, with the robot age approaching I worry about the plight of society as a whole.

Kate

September 7th, 2016 at
11:39 PM

I feel bad for both the unemployed and the one supporting the unemployed. I have been in both places. One thing I figured out long ago was to always be frugal through the prosperous times just in case it does not last, hope for the best- expect the worst. Now that I am unemployed, those savings are taking care of me. However the partners I have been with had a different mentality- earn a dollar, spend a dollar. I ended up taking care of them when they were unemployed. When I became unemployed (never told them I had savings) they bolted pretty fast thinking they would have to pay bills. You have to look after yourself first, and never hook up with someone who does not try to carry their own weight so to speak.

Francesca

December 31st, 2012 at
4:02 AM

Immensely fed up at the moment – It is New Year’s Eve and after a thoroughly awful Christmas, I think it is time to call it a day with my unemployed (for 4 years) partner. We have been together almost 10 years and have a 6 year old daughter who is an angel. I also have 2 children from my first marriage. My partner has always suffered with mild depression and having lost several jobs due to temper/mood swings, he has been unable to secure proper employment for 4 whole years. I have been emotionally and financially supportive, I have lost my family home, I have put up with infidelity (one which culminated with him getting a criminal record which means he stands no chance of getting any job in the current UK economic climate!!), stupid behaviour with money and general irresponsibility. He also has a family which might as well not exist. I adored him for the first half of our relationship – he is witty, intelligent, an excellent father but alas, I’ve done my bit now and I’ve had enough – had enough of being the sole breadwinner, had enough of not being able to afford to do much as a couple or with the kids, had enough of crappy birthdays and Christmas’s and had enough of all my friends regarding him as a total loser.

Anna

Amy

December 31st, 2012 at
8:47 PM

Dear Francesca,

Thank you for your post – its still relevent! I find myself at the same juncture right now albeit I’ve been living with my partner’s unemployment (and all its subsequent spillovers) for only a year – I ca’t imagine living with it for 4. I’ve never been in a situation to be a “bread winner” although I work 2 jobs (in the arts)and have never misrepresented myself in this regard. I guess what I am now contemplating is situational issues vs. character issues and I don’t have my answer yet. I am historically an optimist and therefore like to believe in the great and wonderful potential I see, yet at the same time feel like my needs, and myself, have fallen by the wayside in the midst of this unemployment depression veil. Its very difficult to be the supporting partner when there is not support coming back. At this juncture, I need financial support from him, but would probably find my endurance to be much better if coupled with emotional support. Somehow I feel like I have disappeared in his issues and that I could fall flat on my face on his watch without notice. This goes beyond support during hard times, I fear.

Chris

January 5th, 2013 at
3:42 PM

I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband has been unemployed for 18 months. He is now 51 and never been unemployed before. It is a big shock especially at a time when we have teenagers who have physical and educational needs that need to be financially met. I can relate to the person who said they can’t believe it is happening. I really find it hard to believe too. I am a trained teacher but I homeschool our children so I don’t want to leave them to do paid teaching. Despite this I have started to look at returning to the classroom. I find it hard not to be angry at my husband. He is looking and is on the computer a lot applying for positions but it doesn’t seem to get results. My parents are always making suggestions which is frustrating as my husband has tried most of their suggestions already to no avail. My sister in law said to my husband in front of me “why don’t you send the little woman out to work” I find this comment so rude and hurtful. Sometimes my husband talks about starting up a business but the ideas are so pathetic I feel that we would just lose money then I feel guilty for not being supportive. I just want this nightmare to end when my husband finally gets a job.

Hanna

February 12th, 2013 at
3:45 PM

I deeply sympathise with you. My husband has been only unemployed for half a year and it is already drained my resources. We have no savings due to spending a lot of money repairing our apartment after a major leak in the roof. Insurance refused to pay and we had to fork out about 30 thousand pounds fixing the apartment to make it livable, let a lone sellable. Case is with insurance adjudication since 2011. I thankfully have a job, and keep us going. We have no kids because my husband is infertile. He also refused that I have a kid with a donor. So here I am with a husband who does not work, watches football most of,the time, and keeps sending cvs when after half a year it is apparent this is not going to work. I have health problems which make full time work, and also training afterwards, very hard. But I keep struggling even though I am exhausted. On Friday I am so tired I just fall asleep and all Saturday just try to pull myself together after a other gruelling week at work. I am employed in private sector where everyone works practically 2 FTEs and gets paid for one. When I come home exhausted I have to study too for my post grad training. Watching my husband do nothing, except for maybe spending an hour on the pc sending cvs really bothers me. When I try to encourage him to change his strategy, he says he knows what he is doing. He also refused to claim benefits for fear this will affect his credit rating. He has money for another 2 mortgage payments and I have saved up for about 1 mortgage. That’s it. I don’t know what to do. I am so exhausted with my relentless pace of work I am ready to quit for health reasons, but who will pay the bills? I don’t know what to do. H

Lucy

star

June 19th, 2013 at
4:27 PM

My partner has been unemployed for almost a year. We have a little baby, thank God for breast milk otherwise my poor child will be starving.He spend most of his time on the internet watching you tube videos. I am so fed up of my situation, I want to take my one and only son for swimming lesson but I cant. The most annoying thing is when he s got some money, he spend it on expensive wines.I am loosing the will to live.

admin2

June 19th, 2013 at
5:29 PM

Hi Star,
Thank you for your comment. It sounds like you are going through a rough time, and we want to make sure you have resources that can help. If you feel like you are in crisis, and are located in the US, there are several nationwide services, hotlines, and clinics that can offer support specific to your situation. There are also many online resources that may be of assistance: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Maggie

August 25th, 2013 at
12:13 AM

I’m frustrated bc my live in bf doesn’t understand the stress I feel already trying to raise 2 kids (I’m a divorced mom, plus trying to keep the finances together. I’m tired of hearing his excuses on why there are “no jobs out there” and “I hate this city”, I feel exhausted and to the point where I’m tired of being the only one bringing income in. Must be nice coming home. and he’s on the PC trying to “get money” for the surveys online, or he’s playing solitaire, or like he used to, be on Facebook talking to this “female friend”….He is just using me I feel like.

Anja

November 29th, 2013 at
4:57 PM

I feel ya. I lost my full time job but found a part time job that barely pays the bills. My live in boyfriend hasn’t worked since July. Every penny is spent on his two ungrateful gimme gimme gimme girls. He doesn’t help with bills except cable because he sits all day and watches tv, he does no house cleaning or laundry. He watches porn most of day then has the audacity to call me names and criticize everything I do. He won’t move and I have to evict him with money I don’t have to file. He claims he applies for work but I doubt that. He was a wonderful man until he lost his job and I’ve tried to be supportive but my patience is drying up.

Maggie

August 25th, 2013 at
12:20 AM

I’m frustrated because it does NOT take a YEAR to get a job…..ANY job, I don’t care if it’s flipping burgers. I work in retail and yeah, the job sucks but I do what I have to do. I’ve got 2 girls I’m supporting. What frustrates me is that when I come home sometimes, he talks about “how tired he is”….when he hasn’t done anything to be tired from! I can only take so much and I’m at the point of ending this relationship because I’m tired of his bouts of depression bc he “can’t find a job”…..he seems to forget how mentally exhausted I feel…

Des

February 1st, 2018 at
1:10 AM

Omg, I am seriously there with you ladies! I hope your situations have gotten better! I’m currently with my man of 6 years and he’s been unemployed for 4 (besides working 2 months at the end of my pregnancy🙄 as I worked almost full time up until the day before her birth) it’s so frustrating sometimes! I just want to yell at him! But he knows already and I’ve been realizing that. I can’t make him do anything. I’m past the encouraging and supportive stage. I honestly want to better myself and he’s not helping, not even pulling his own weight. I’m very close to just leaving him. The only thing holding me back is my daughter and his relationship and WTF WOULD HE GO?! Lmfao he has no friends, no money, he’s too “proud” to go back to his parents. Which we lived on there property in a guest house for 4 years! Maybe that’s why he’s so lazy? Idk but I can’t deal anymore. Sorry not sorry papi

Belinda

November 19th, 2019 at
2:50 AM

You are funny Des and I love the bad arse Americans that just go,come on! I am an aussie and came upon this site when googling what to do when my husband doesn’t work. There are many more things he doesn’t do but for google that seemed a good start. I recognise now 25 years later that my husband likely has aspergers none the less he is relatively awful to me does nothing and doesn’t work. I felt a bit awful as he likely has a genuine medical condition and who but me to help in but honestly he has been so difficult and any govt assistance that I try to get due to 1. his disability and 2. His lack of income always takes a lot of tine with the same result I am responsible for him as I am his partner although he claims we are separated. Go figure. I work 60 hours a week, still do the washing, the washing up and the housecleaning as he refuses to and keep the wolves from the door barely by juggling, don’t holiday and really am a complete and utter idiot . So thanks for telling me in lovely ways. That bloody ( favorite aussie swear word) hope that things would get better always sat there but good god the drought will break before that and noone knows when that will happen. Cheers to you all

Chris

September 2nd, 2013 at
2:07 AM

I feel for the people commenting here, I am currently in a similar situation. My partner of ten years walked out of her job two years ago without finding another job first. I have been supporting us both for the last two years, which wouldn’t bother me if she was actively looking for work. Instead she generally sleeps till noon, watches tv all day and does minimal housework or job hunting.

I’ve got to the stage where I feel i’m on the verge of collapsing under the strain if things don’t change (which looks unlikely).

Anyway, it was nice to vent for a bit and I hope the situation improves for everyone on here.

Hanging on

August 26th, 2016 at
1:51 PM

My wife worked about 5 years of our over 8 year marriage. The last three she’s totaled about 3 months of work. She seemed to quit looking at the moment and when I confront her about work or money problems she tells me things I can do to get out money up. I worked 2 and 3 jobs our whole marriage and the bills are getting harder to pay. She has racked up a credit card Bill but I really don’t know what she owes but she gets mad when she uses the grocery money I give her and uses it to pay on the credit card. I have nothing in savings and bills coming up in 4 months that I have to pay but it doesn’t seem she is interested in getting a study job. She has worked about 15days on the last two years doing odd jobs but no permanent job. She has taken a course but has put off taking her state exam over the last few months.

Emma

November 14th, 2013 at
10:35 AM

I am in a similar situation as my boyfriend has been unemployed for about 9 months. Previous jobs have been short-lived and don’t seem to last. Added to this he lost his father this year which was understandably difficult.

I have tried to be supportive and be positive and encouraging as well as needing to be firm. It’s a tough balance. It’s been difficult waking up early to go to work and see him still in bed sleeping, although he has said he feels bad about this.

I have found that I have become more likely to get angry after a few drinks and everything comes out that I’ve been bottling up. It undoes all the patient support I’ve been trying to give and I then feel worse. It also threatens our relationship as my outbursts make both of us feel worse.

Two thirds of my wage is spent on existing (rent, bills, food and travel) – the rest I don’t feel I can spend on myself as I’m always thinking about next month’s costs. My work can be quite stressful and I feel there is no reward which makes me unhappy. I am feeling pretty jaded!

I also don’t feel I can talk to family and friends as they, my parents in particular, feel that I should be with someone who is earning and has a career path. These conversations sadden me so I just don’t talk about it with them.

All in all, I didn’t realise the stress it can cause the partner of an unemployed person. The first instinct is to be constantly patient and supportive, because you love them, but there are points when I start to question my own life and where it’s going. There is no sign of marriage or kids, so I am in limbo.

Like Chris said above, it has helped to vent for a little while and thoughts are with everyone for a brighter future.

J

April 9th, 2014 at
9:27 AM

Seven years ago, my wife and I were married. At the time she had just recieved her master’s degree in teaching and was about to start teaching. I also had a good job and everything was looking great. But after less than a year of teaching she was completely burnt out. I had no idea when we gor married that anythign like that was even possible, but I love my wife and stood by her, even as she tearfully admitted to herself and to me that she could never be a teacher. I didn’t want her to suffer any more, so I agreed that she should stop teaching for her own health and for the stregnth of out marriage. That was 6 years ago. Since then she hasn’t held down a regular job, apart from temporary tutoring gigs. About 4 years ago she tried to enter another field which required money for school. She promised me that it was something she could do and would finish. Just this year, we had to give up on that too, since it was clear that she wasn’t gettign any where with it and that she should give up…. again! A few years ago we had our first baby, which was (and remains) the most wonderful person in our lives. But, the stress of the last 6 years has been getting to me. I can’t get over this feeling that she broke a promise to me. When we got married, I never invisioned having to carry us by myself for this long. I know it’s “for better or for worse”, but this isn’t fair! I work so hard just to get us from motnh to month and there’s never any security let alone any moment when I can get past the stress of having to do this! Worst of all, as much as I try to hide how I feel, she can’t help but know how dissapointed I am in her! At the end of every month I’m a stressed out wreck, and now she’s beginning to see herself as a bag of failure. Every time she messes ANYTHING up, especially if it’s somethign for me, she get depressed and teary. It’s like she’s given up on herself. And I’m too tired of carrying us to help her feel better! I’m afraid that I’m starting to see her as a failure as well. I still love her completely, but every time it looks like she’s about to give up on ANYTHING I get so angry and resentful at her! I can’t muster up the stregnth to make her feel better when all I want is to yell at her to get up by herself! The more she gives up, the more I feel like all the carrying I’ve been doing for the last 6 years was for nothing! That all this work and stress I’ve been going through was based upon a promise that she broke. I know that’s unfair but I can’t get past it. How can she let herself give up when I’ve spent the last 6 years carrying her! I’ve worked too hard, stressed out too much and given up too much, for her to just give up! Where’s my hope! Where’s my support! When do I get to be carried around for a while! Six years of carrying is too long! I’m tired and stressed and need soemthing more than just love. I need someone to take some of this burden from me, without forcing me to go begging to my parents! I never wanted to be where I am right now and spent my younger years working and studying so I wouldn’t have to be! But here I am and it isn’t my fault! I’m working like a dog and still livign paycheck to paychekc all because of her, and then I come home and have to cheer her up so there’s some chance she’ll help us get out of this massive hole she lead us into. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I try my best not to let them out to her, but they are there. I love her so much and want to keep supportign her emotionally, but after 6 years of supporting her and now supporting a family by myself, I’m running on empty. I want so badly for her to understand that everytime she loks like she’s going to give up she comes closer and closer to losing me,but I can never tell her since it would be devistating. I need her so badly to fix herself, becuase I’ve got nothing left.

Chris

June 21st, 2016 at
3:02 PM

I don’t know who you are or how things turned out for you, but everything you wrote here is me today. For the last 2 years my wife has barely worked, and complained so much about the couple of extremely part-time jobs she’s found that I’ve begged her to quit just so I could stop hearing about it. She spent a lot of money to take a course and get certified in something she said she had a real passion for, and could start a business with, and I supported the decision. Then she spent the next 8 months adjusting the fonts on her website before giving up on that too. Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is “That sounds exhausting”. As though that gives her permission to quit!
Can’t she see how exhausted I am trying to carry the burden alone? I wish I had the luxury of quitting every time I got tired or bored or frustrated, and I hate myself for providing that luxury to her.
We recently discovered that a bank account that was supposed to be closed a long time ago has been open and silently accruing fees. Today she told me that she’s tried calling to take care of it, but was “on hold for 20 minutes so gave up”, because she “didn’t want to be on the phone all day”. I got so angry. What the hell else is she doing all day? Then she said she had originally planned to go to the bank in person instead, but felt a migraine coming on so wasn’t going to do that either.
I’m so angry right now. So betrayed. She won’t even do something as simple as see a bank account closed, much less help with the household expenses. And yet she wants new furniture, better clothes, trips to Hawaii… then gives me a hard time for buying a little something off Amazon for myself.

I’m at my wit’s end. She has a million excuses why she can’t or won’t find work. I don’t want to work either. I wish I could just quit and pursue my own interests and business ideas but I feel trapped by my obligations to feed her and her ungrateful kid.

Hanging on

August 30th, 2016 at
9:13 PM

We are very similar praying for you Chris. Hope both our wives get jobs soon.

Astrid

April 24th, 2014 at
5:12 PM

My female partner and I have been together for over 2 years and in that time she has been employed for one or two weeks. Yes, WEEKS. I am 21, and she just turned 27. I work full time in customer service. She has her high school certificate and has done part of a Bachelors degree. I dropped out of high school, but have never been out of a job and have big aspirations for study.

The job my partner had for 2 weeks she quit, because she told me it was going to be commission based only, and that they could only offer her 5 hours a fortnight, so if she didn’t make enough sales she’d be doing unpaid work. I didn’t have a problem with her leaving that job at the time… That was September 2012.

It’s now April 2014 and she hasn’t found work since then. She’s had interviews, a couple of job trials, but nothing has eventuated. Yesterday she said she was meant to have an interview, but apparently the prospective employer didn’t call her. I was at work and she told me she was clean and had an outfit picked out, waiting for the call…. After I got home that night she still needed to have a shower, and there was no outfit anywhere to be found…

I feel like I’m going crazy overthinking what she says and questioning whether I can fully trust that she DOES want a job. It’s been SO LONG… I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I’ve stayed with her even though she cheated for the first few months of our relationship, I put myself in debt to help clear HER debt, had to put my education and goals on hold, so that I can work full time to support both of us…

How much longer do I wait before I can start living life for myself a little? Am I being taken advantage of? I love her but I’m so beyond tired of the same old, same old & nothing ever changing or improving for her.

Genesis D.

June 12th, 2014 at
1:39 PM

Ugh reading all of these comments makes me think of my current woes.

I’m a 23 years old female, recent grad and working with the occupation that I studied for in college, I’ve dropped out on several occasions while my fiancé continued his studies in criminal justice- trying to be a cop. Technically, I wasted time and was still able to graduate on time. Meanwhile, my fiancé who started at the right time, is still not finished has nothing to show for it, zero experience, unemployed– oh and to make matters worse, he doesn’t want to be a cop anymore.

Fabulous! He says he’s trying to find something, its been over a year since he’s had a job, all he does is watch porn, play video games, and watch videos on youtube.

I am fed up, we’ve been together for 5 years now, I’ve supported him for so long and I really just want to build a happy home with him, Its so depressing trying to stick by him. What’s even worse is that I don’t know if I’ll have the ability to start over with someone new. He doesn’t even have a drivers license, I’m usually the chauffeur for everything.

I know how it feels and wish there was someone I could talk to whose having the same problem.

kelly

July 15th, 2014 at
7:46 PM

My bf is 26 and no degree and no job. he’s trying to get his degree after I encouraged him but I think he might flunk out…again!! he literally is home all day long. plays video games, watches movies, youtubes, and plays with his cat. I’m about to go crazy! I can’t stand being home for too long I like to get out and have fun even if it’s going to the park! I’m at my wits end. I love him but all of this is kind of turning me off. sex is still good but each day I grow more and more out of love. I don’t know what to do.

Genesis D

August 7th, 2014 at
2:53 AM

Hi Janet, i think your boyfriend and mine are cut from the same cloth, mine hates going out too!!! We just broke up last night and I feel this amazing wave of relief and at the same time having been with the same guy for 5 years is equally devastating.

Sarah

July 20th, 2014 at
7:30 AM

I have been supporting my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. He lives with anxiety and depression and is unable to work, despite several attempts over the years. I work a very basic job and just manage to pay the bills each month. I had to leave University to be able to work full time to support us, and now I’m working too much to be able to study, so I’m trapped.
I love him with all my heart and I can’t imagine life without him, but I don’t know what my future with him will be. I don’t know if he will make a good father, if I will ever get back to uni, if he will ever be able to hold down even the simplest of jobs.
I’m afraid that if I leave him he will become suicidal, as he is prone to severe depression, but I’m worried that staying with him is changing the course of my life for the worse. I can’t talk to friends or family about it because they will immediately tell me to leave him, but I don’t know if I could risk the consequences of that.
I just don’t know what to do.

Angie

July 24th, 2014 at
9:05 AM

It has been over 3 years since my husband lost his job. Three months after we got married he got fired from his job. I was supportive of him and was positive that he would find something else. He goes on interviews but never gets hired. He got a job thru a temp agency, went 1 day and quit. He has never helped me pay a bill or the rent. Sometimes he suffers from depression but I just believe he has a drinking problem. He sits at home all day drinking beer. He can’t wait for my paydays so that he can go shopping and buy beer. I have become bitter, angry, resentful, and depressed. I used to always be happy til he came into my life. I do love him but I feel my love fading.

I was given notice on my job six months ago that I was being laid off. I told him this the same day that August 1 was my last day and this gives him six months to find a job. He still has no job and sits on his butt drinking. I tried talking to him about my feelings and concerns and nothing changes. I think he just wants to live on my unemployment which is not enough for rent, bills and food. I don’t know what else to do!!! I’m so frustrated. Everyone keeps telling me to leave him but I do feel sorry for him. I just wish I had enough courage to leave him.

Emma

August 20th, 2014 at
10:51 PM

I have read all of your comments and I can relate to most of them. I am a 39 year old woman and I am in love with a 30 year old man. We have been together for just over a year and he’s been out of work for the entire time. He moved in a few months ago with me…..he stays every night, but his things are all still at his parents place.

He is actively looking it seems. He’s getting interviews and even offers but they don’t come to fruition due to regulations on nationality % within the labour force of each company in this region.

But I feel as you all do. How much longer do I give it? My clock is ticking so loudly now. I am torn as I feel fairly confident that he’s the one for me, yet I don’t see much coming from him in terms of support. Obviously no financial support….and I am now questioning whether he is able to provide for me long term – financially and emotionally. I need to see how our relationship is with him working.

I am now going to make an alternative plan that does not include him, as a back up. And I am wondering whether I should also tell him soon, to go back to his parents place, get himself sorted out and then if he still wants me, to come back and we can move forward.

It feels too much on my shoulders when we aren’t married or engaged or even planning anything of the sort at the moment. Yes, we are talking about it and we both know we want it, but there is no firm plan. Bc he feels he can’t plan until he has an income which I completely agree.

Melissa

April 13th, 2018 at
12:49 PM

I can’t believe how healing and eye opening this article is. I am 50, in good shape, have a great job, own my house. Took care of my son up until he moved out at 25. His father died when my son was 10 so I had no options to not work hard, develop myself for fear of us being homeless or living with my parents. I built myself into a career and have a very supportive work environment. I met this guy last July. He had just “returned” to town after having a bit of midlife crisis. He had gotten into meth and had family drama. He traveled for year doing consulting work for 1 client. Eventually, that fell apart. I fell in love with him and after a couple of months asked him to move in. He codes, I have seen him and he works all night learning and building his website. I believe in his skills. talented musician and artist as well. It’s 9 months later. many interviews. I was OK and understanding until this last week. He actually GOT HIRED. And promptly blew it. He has been out of the work environment so long, he doesn’t how to “be” in a work environment. He knows he screwed up, but when the guy told him don’t come back, he went off on him in text. three days later he gets an in person interview for a software job. the guy texts him this last tuesday and said they hired someone they felt was more suitable. Again, he goes off in text to this guy. It’s the first time I started to wonder if he’s unable to stay employed. I am now having all the same thoughts that I read through this great thread. How long do I wait? He does help around the house, handyman stuff, kitchen. Cooks once in awhile. But, like the others stated, gets up late, stays up late, smokes pot. Yes, I buy it for him once a month (legally) and he goes through it in a week. I have been ok with this arrangement until this last bit when I saw him act so unprofessionally. Part of me thinks that the employers are seeing something that I don’t see. Part of me wants to believe something will come. Like every woman on this thread, I am tired of carrying the financial burden of what feels like a 2nd child. He is 10 years younger than me. After my son left, I wanted to be free of caring for another and yet here I am. My heart is breaking because I find myself thinking what if he never ever gets hired or gets a client for web work? How long do I let this go on? I can’t kick him out because he has no place to go but live in his van. this is another nagging thought….is he using me because living with me is better than living homeless? All I can say…is this sucks.

Kelly

April 15th, 2018 at
11:48 PM

I think you already know your answer. We all do–those of us carrying the burden of caring for a bum–know what we ought to do to be free, only to face the other challenge of actually breaking it off. But you, my friend, are free because you can put yourself first by putting him out. It’s not your problem if he has no where to go. Yes, that sounds cold, but are you happy dealing with this for now until infinity? When you’re not married, you’re free. Don’t do what some of us have done by making excuses and feeling sorry for him, hoping things will change. Thinking all he needs is an open door, only for it to swing open, but he walks away making up some damm excuse why he can’t take the job and of course you only find this out until after you’re married. As you’ve read, these people don’t/won’t change, but you can change how you feel and what you do to get back your freedom. I’ve wished, prayed, and helped my husband find work, but he simply doesn’t want to. I foolishly thought I could deal with his ways, but I was so wrong. I’m having to deal with it and as much as I know that it was my fault for not adhering to the warnings, I can’t stop feeling so resentful and bitter. So the lesson is, if you don’t free yourself, that’s the road you have to face, married or not.

Frustrated Wife

August 21st, 2014 at
3:27 PM

This is an old topic, but I need some support from somewhere. So, my husband and I moved to a new state 2 years ago, and the job we thought he would have had through a staffing agency fell through. He has not held a steady job in the entire 2 years that we’ve lived here. One job for 6 months, and another job for another 6 months from which he recently got fired in April.

I had to prod him to apply for unemployment, and when he got denied, I had to scream at him to apply for an appeal. HE NEVER FILED FOR AN APPEAL. He just sat on his butt and kept saying, “I just want to work!” but he needs to bring in some kind of money NOW. So, the statute of limitations has passed, thus, no appeal. He is STILL UNEMPLOYED and has been so since April of this year. He is driving me crazy! He has turned into a man-child, basically, clinging to me because he has no friends and family in town, glad when I have a day off and wants to spend all his time with me, when I need time to myself! He keeps intimating moving back home, but I don’t want to. He has been on interviews, but has received no job offers. That may be due to him or his references saying bad things about him, so he changed his list of references. With the next interview, we hope he’ll get hired.

Our marriage is in the toilet, and I am also suicidal and unhappy. I work full time, but I can’t cover all the bills, so I’m struggling to cover what I can. He is not good with money at all, and I can’t make him stick to a budget. He’ll go to a store and spend $30 per night on food. He does clean and cook, but that’s not enough. We also don’t have sex on a regular basis, so there is a lot missing from our already strained marriage.

I just want him to get a job, but it’s not that easy. We may have to move back to his home state because it seems a bit easier to get work. While I am seemingly flourishing here, he is drowning in isolation, unemployment, debt, and depression, and clinging to me like a kid. I have to go to the laundromat or wait until he gets an interview to get some time alone.

I haven’t been able to find or create a group therapy regarding this. Please help if you can!! I am at my WITS’ END!

jauquinea s

October 4th, 2014 at
3:07 AM

The best thing I could say is leave him.I’m in the same situation except my husband won’t even clean..he won’t even put in an application and he’s clingy too.like a child..they are complacent with their life and it’s not fair to the other spouse…I decided to walk away from my marriage because I can’t take it anymore.hes making me disgusted every time he is around him…they don’t care how we feel by taking on all the burdens they don’t want to help themselves we are only wasting our life away with these lazy men who doesn’t care about how we feel….leave leave leave……5 yrs married 8 yrs together and it’s always the same problems.he’s too lazy…no dreams or goals he works at ..nothing…walk away…there are plenty men out there fix yourself up really nice and be seen…have fun….good luck sweetie never let a make you feel suicidal. ..he’s the lazy jerk not you😘😘

At the end of my rope

August 23rd, 2014 at
2:28 PM

Married 17 years have 1 child in High School. Husband works for a union in the city. He is always laid off. Normally he works 3 to 4 months a year. It goes way beyond loosing unemployment. We have lost our house because of the inconsistency. He has no skills expect tying steel wire. This gas been going on now for ten years. I work a dump job, do all the cooking, pay all the bills, take care of son. I have wanted to leave many times. Tells me I’m looking for someone rich. I just want a salary every week. And we live in an affluent area on Long Island, which he wouldn’t sell our home 6 years ago, instead now it’s in foreclosure. I am 52 years old and tired. Please any suggestions?

anonymous

August 23rd, 2014 at
11:16 PM

My boyfriend of two and a half years- has not worked. He is working on a movie- I’m financially funding it all. I make all the money. He makes no money but his excuse is that he has to complete our movie in order to concentrate on finding a stable job- making money. It’s wonderful that a man can work on his dream job filming a movie but one can only pray for luck and amazing marketing to make this movie a hit.

Movie is now in Post Production. He is looking for work- no luck so far. He tells me I should be more understanding since what he is doing for us is worth millions. Yes- he is working hard on our action movie but there are other film makers whom also work to make their dreams come true. I pay for all the bills- all our production cost etc.

Here’s another thing that gets me:
He purposely logs out of Facebook when I come home from work- as soon as I walk in the door he’s off. I ask a couple of questions and he says the same thing promoting our movie. I’ve already caught him several times chatting with girls and flirting– he doesn’t call it flirting – he calls it that he was stupid and that it’s nothing..
I’m seriously starting to feel used.

He’s amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. He spy’s on me. He has read all my emails and drives me crazy about my past. He gets extremely jealous.
I really want to leave him at times but when I try; he begs- he acts suicidal- he will make me feel horrible because he tells me no one can ever love you the way I do. I see it in his eyes how crazy he is about me but I’m having second thoughts.

I also dropped out of school so I can make x amount to support us and support making our movie.

One more thing. His family is incredible. He’s incredible at times but sometimes he can drive you bananas.. I’m so confused. If I was married I’m guessing I’d be an amazing Wife since I’m dealing with all this but we aren’t even married. He says all that is coming as soon as I can take care of us.

Any thoughts readers? I hold on and hold on but how far can one hold on for.

caddie

Anonmom

September 8th, 2014 at
6:03 AM

My spouse has been unemployed for four years. He had a great job for 12 years and then the company moved. He turned down the job they offered him and its been a rollercoaster since. He played away his time on a severance package instead of looking for work or retraining, for a year. Then he got a job but quit due to a shoulder injury that he wouldn’t see a doctor about. I worked full time at a job with a long commute and eventually had to take a lower paying job closer to home because he flat out felt it wasn’t his place to help with our children or domestic duties. (Thank you, dear mother in law)
I work full time still but we had to get on assistance because my 401k ran out and he keeps spending money on alcohol, cigarettes, & video games. I’ve done the supportive routine. Constantly reassuring him. I’ve tried tough love. Neither have worked. He only recently started filling out applications again and he puts primary childcare provider to explain his employment gaps. I want to scream and yell! I had the opportunity to advance at work. It would’ve come with a hefty raise and health insurance but the stress of having to work longer hours and then come home to a dirty house, help with homework, and taking care of him got to me and I had to step down during the probationary period. I’m so frustrated!!! He doesnt want me to go for another promotion. The same thing happened at my previous job. No support from him meant I had to turn down the promotion I wanted and planned on retiring from.
He lays in bed all day watching Youtube or Netflix. Stays up late at night. I feel like I have an extra child not a husband. He doesn’t want to save any money back for emergencies. If we have it he will find some way to spend it. Hes gained quite a bit of weight and says our house is making him sick. No. Its the laying in bed all day. He has gotten marginally better at being a dad. I keep my complaints to myself and keep trying to be uplifting but its hard. So. HARD.
He expects me to cook him a full meal when he does get up and expects me to jump on him for sex every day. I’m too stressed. He pouts like a child when I don’t. He can’t even walk down the street to pay bills but he sure does to get smokes. I feel so trapped and alone most days. I try to take care of myself but he gets pouty and jealous if I seem to be trying to do so.
I don’t understand his actions. However, I made a vow. I want our kids to be raised in a two parent home. I still want a life with him but not sure how to even go from here. His father was much the same way and I know how unhappy and financially destitute his parents are. I never thought he’d be like this but its been this way almost half of our marriage.

Rose

September 22nd, 2014 at
4:08 PM

It is somewhat relieving to know that I am not alone. I think that I am quickly reaching the end of my rope with by DH who has been unemployed for 2 years, going on the 3rd year now. I feel and think that I have been very patient. Patient through him not getting right on it after he lost his job – waiting close to 8 months before starting his search. Then there were the next 8 months spent on getting a credential – much to the exclusion of an active job search. During this time I had to PUSH and PROD him to explore part-time work. Why I am having to do that – I don’t know! You have a wife and children. So he gets the credential (after his hard work – much to his credit)and he is surprised that the sky doesn’t just open with raindrops of jobs. Maybe because getting a job requires a fulltime commitment – not just working on it when you feel like it or how you feel like it. So, the next 6 months are spent creating a system to capture all the job opportunities – again without ACTIVELY sending out tens of applications. So, guess where we are now – he’s taking another class for a credential that will make his resume better. REALLY?!!! Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all about improving skills. But we are in a situation that requires all hands on deck with the job search. At least that’s what I think. I am just SO disappointed with him and can’t believe that he would not be working around the clock with odd jobs to take care of his family. I really believe that he does not like his job status but his actions convey a completely different message to me and I just don’t know if our relationship will survive what I have witnessed. Btw, we’ve been married for over a decade. We need to get in marriage counseling yesterday (which he has said before he doesn’t want to do). And, one more btw I have a job that requires a lot.

Lucy

September 25th, 2014 at
10:56 AM

Hi Rose. I understand how you feel exactly and am going out of my mind at the moment with not a clue how to right things.My boyfriend of a decade has been unemployed or part time employed fir the last four years, currently working ten hours a week. I believe he wants to work but I’m not convinced he’s doing everything he can to get it. There are certain jobs he won’t do, won’t supply for minimum wage jobs etc. He hasn’t had a single interview in the last year. I don’t understand why because he is apparently applying for half dozen jobs every week. We owe the landlord thousands now and he’s on the verge of evicting us. I want to be living and supportive but I can’T help but feel resentful having to get up early, work a 40hr week and then hand it all over for bills knowing our debt is mounting because I can’t cover all the rent while he’s doing God knows what all day. He does do the housework and cook but it’s only the two of us in a one bed flat.

Sam

October 27th, 2016 at
12:18 PM

“I am just SO disappointed with him and can’t believe that he would not be working around the clock with odd jobs to take care of his family.”
WOW that is so exaclty how i feel. Been married for 18 years, 2 kids age 10 and 6 and its been almost a year since he got laid off. I get that the job market isn’t great and nothing has panned out yet in his job search in his field. But in the meantime DO SOMETHING, DO ANYTHING, feed your family. He feels a minimum wage job is below him and spends his entire day online, doing what I don’t know. It doesn’t take 10 hours a day to send out a few resumes which strategy by the way, hasn’t worked has it? He’s been on a total of 3 interviews in the last year none of which resulted in a job offer. i work in online marketing from home which barely JUST pays the bills. He helps with what ever I ask him to do with the house chores but they are still my responsibility.

Anyhow, I am SOO frustrated with the sight of him sitting ALL day on that computer I feel like I am married to a fixture in this house. My efforts to get him to go out, meet people, network have all fallen flat. I get no break from him, he is always there always there always there! I actually felt better reading all these responses because i know I am not alone and I have a place to vent. So thank you for that and I hope we all see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Frustrated in South Africa - he drove me to cheat

September 24th, 2014 at
6:01 AM

Ah guys! My husband lost his job 4 years ago and hasnt made much money since then. He refuses to look for a job despite the fact that we’ve had to move out of our house into my aunt’s house which is further from my work and our son’s school. I had my 1st car at 23 yrs, now at 30 Im back using public transport (mini bus taxis). He doesnt cheat, is a gud father and all but guys im tired of being broke. I cant remember the last time we went out to dine together. We used to host our friends but cant anymore, we cant go away on weekends, we do nothing.

Surely we cant survive on just love and fresh air. He refuses to look for a job coz he says he believes in what he does and all he needs is my support.

He’s been trying to trade commodities for all these years and no breakthrough. He’ll be up in the middle of the night talking to other loosers in UK and US (time difference) talking Gold, Crome and whatever else. Its like he’s obsessed with this. He’s on it 24 hours around the clock but at the end of the month, he has nothing to show for it.

Ive been suffering from all stress related illnesses u can imagine. By the way, we no longer have medical aid and our state facilities are not that great. I cant afford medical aid/bills anymore.

I’ve recently started seeing another man which I never thought i would as a married woman. I’m just tired of being the Proverbs 31 woman. I love my Lord and want to make him proud but I’m unhappy and tired. This man brings some happiness and reliefe in my life, i know its artificial but for those moments, i feel better, i laugh, i smile and I dont have to pay the bill for our lunch and drinks or the petrol/gas in his comfortable mercedes benz (car). Whereas my Mercedes (car) is driven by my husband. Did i mention i have to pay for its instalment, the insurance and gas? I love my husband but I’m beginning to resent him for this. Whats yo take on my situation?

Frustrated in South Africa - he drove me to cheat

September 24th, 2014 at
6:11 AM

He has failed us as his family. A man should provide for his family. Thats what i believe. He says hes doing what hes doing for us and that we should be patient… Its been 4 yrs, 4 yrs….. Ive been nothing but a gud and supporting wife for 4 yrs to a man trying to sell Gold, diamonds, oil and gas etc that he doesnt own to people he doesnt know. Really guys, really! Can u sell something uv never seen thats in Ghana which is another country that belongs to someone uv only talked to over the phone, to a guy sitting in US/UK/China or South Africa that is as flippin broke as u? Oh this man……

I’ve had to put my dreams and goals on hold for his, my life has detoriated which makes me very bitter. We still have sex but even that is not so great anymore.

Wendy

September 30th, 2014 at
2:15 PM

Hi
My husband has been unemployed for two years. I am finding it increasingly hard, dark and lonely. In fact it grinds you down becoming very dark and lonely. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. Too often you try to put it aside and surpress it. That becomes much harder with time.
It is lonely and very isolating and sole destroying. It has tested our relationship to the limit. I just wonder how it will l end.

michelle

Both wish he wasn't unemployed

October 1st, 2014 at
7:59 AM

It’s been almost 2 years since he was laid off from his job. While it wasn’t really his fault – company was going down the toilet and since he was laid off over 100 people from teh company were let go because of just really bad company practices. Since then though, he hasn’t been able to get anything. Not even temp work. I know he looks everyday and I get that he needs support, but it’s depressing for me as well. I’ve been working at a job that pays significantly more than my previous jobs but I’m living hand-to-mouth because I have to pay everything. It’s been two years and I’ve been suggesting that maybe he needs to try a different approach vs. just looking online for work but he doesn’t do anything. I feel like he can’t think outside of the box in terms of job search. And worst of all, he’s getting court summons for his credit card debt and I don’t have the money to help him out of the debt so that’s an even bigger stressor. There’s plenty he could do too – there are ways he can potentially make money by selling iPhone pictures through stock photo sites. He could try to do consulting work, he can do freelance work on fiverr or odesk. He can also just volunteer to fill these gaps in employment history. SOMETHING! While he’s unemployed he can learn a new skill like mastering Microsoft Office or learn a new language. That would make him more marketable. I don’t know, I get that he feels like he’s wasting time when he’s not job searching but he has all this time to polish his skills to make him a more attractive hire.

Barbara

October 23rd, 2014 at
10:50 PM

Same here you guys — been fed up for a while, now just accepting that there is no future here and take it day by day. I work at home as a medical transcription. This has always been an unpredictable paycheck, but I work very hard to make somewhat of a decent living.

He owned a small carpet cleaning company and did okay with this the first 10 years of our marriage while i worked part-time and raised the babies. But, even before the economy sunk so low, I constantly heard “when business picks up, when business picks up.” Always struggling, and it’s almost like he is comfortable with being poor. I think we are both too smart to be living DIRT POOR.

I give up. It is what it is. His mom has money, and he can grovel to her as much as he wants for all I care. I don’t care how much of a hard time she gives him. He deserves it. He is lazy and not driven, and I’m tired of pretending it’s anything else.

Hard to be turned on with so much resentment.

Oh yeah, I work at home on the computer all day. He is here Every Day. All the time. Constantly wanting to make long boring repetitive conversation. Never money do anything special. Sure he cooks dinner for the kids and does the dishes, but I need him to WORK! Sick of it. Sick of his business. Probably would leave if I could.

He surfs on the net all day for the SAME stupid stuff all the time, never even looks at jobs. Like he’s my kid and I’m trying to raise him.

Oh yeah, I’ve GOT a job but i’m the one looking in the ads so maybe I can get a better paying job and GET THE HELL out the house. He is here all the time. I’m here all the time. I am SO sick of the boring dull house talk all the time. i probably would love to have an affair just to get away from this crap for just a few minutes.

He had 2 jobs last week, none this week, 1 next week. must be fricking nice, is all I have to say.

winnie

October 24th, 2014 at
1:26 AM

Why all of comments are telling sad stories.are there any successful stories that the unemplyed finally gets a job and the love is strengthened?my boyfriend has been looking for a job since three years,thank god,i have a stable job,many of u with children and debt…that is much harder.wish all of you get through this tunnel

X

October 27th, 2014 at
12:11 PM

I’m in the same situation, my fiance has been working part time jobs since we met 6 years ago and has never really liked working for anyone else. He’s always wanted to just run his own business but that’s not stable and it hasn’t worked the two times he’s attempted. I’ve carried the mortgage and bills for maybe 4 of these years and his “consulting” job isn’t bringing anything in now. Unless you’re working temp jobs, if you don’t have a regular paycheck in my book, you’re unemployed. If you can’t manage taking care of yourself with the “gigs” you have and rely on someone else, you’re UNEMPLOYED!!!!!!!!!

I plan on talking with him about a plan but I’ve been resentful for years and we’ve had arguments a few times here and there about money. He doesn’t think he’ll get hired because he had a hard time getting hired the last time he decided to look. I call BS. I think he’s comfortable and if I question it, I’m not being supportive or I’m being a b***h. He knows I’d like to have more in savings for emergencies or for my car that I haven’t been able to fully repair because it’s paycheck to paycheck for the bare necessities. I’ve also been told that I should just go marry someone rich. I laugh at that because it really stinks of manipulation. Anyone who says this to you (the SOLE PERSON who is supporting the roof over their head and paying the bills for them to screw around online) is trying to manipulate you and your feelings. Trying to make you feel bad before you have enough time to think about that statement. I don’t need to marry someone rich, honestly, I’d be better off with a roommate! I’d have someone paying for half the cost of living rather than paying all the bills for two people (plus more if there are kids)

I love that this site exists, I actually got a little teary reading the article because it’s like FINALLY someone has something for the partner of the unemployed. I can never find enough articles for the partner of the unemployed to cope. THANK YOU for this article. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose the house and I can manage the mortgage but it’s hard to be attracted to a guy who can’t take care of himself. I’ve been understanding but I’m tired and like others, I want to be taken care of for a change. I don’t have anyone to truly talk to about this and he expects me to open up to him but that’s hard to do, I want to scream at him but I’m constantly in conflict of what it means to be a good supportive partner. He doesn’t have any close friends that I could ask to talk to him about this so that makes it difficult too. My last straw plan is just to explain what I need and see where it goes. I’m not interested in giving him another year. Good luck to those of you still dealing with this issue, I hope you get beyond it in the most healthy way possible!

Missy

October 31st, 2014 at
10:37 PM

It’s been 7 years since my husband was laid off. Since then he blew thru $30,000 in his savings, has had infrequent freelance work, has done several projects for free(cause that will lead him to work) and my father financed $6000 for an invention that never took off /sold. I’ve had resentment for years…and have directly told him that I can’t take the burden of being responsible for it all. And here I continue to stay . I love him dearly as he has been so kind to me, understanding and supportive…. Like no one else! He cooks & does laundry (sometimes). He has been incredible to my family & helped take care of me when I was recovering from surgery. Has helped to care for my dying Mom (may she RIP) and with my Dad when he had surgery 2x this past year.
I want to scream when he wants to show me funny videos or talk about news/events or I see him playing games. Or I work a ton of overtime & exhausted….he talks about how big my paycheck will be….and doesn’t seem to understand my stress. Oh just get a massage, pamper myself and all will be better. NO! Get a job….anything to bring in money & my stress will subside to a tolerable point.
This is not where I expected to be at 41. I’m angry, resentful, depressed and had enough. Feel as though I’m enabling the behavior as I continue to stay .
I don’t like myself much these days.

Chelsea

jamaal

September 1st, 2016 at
1:11 PM

$30,000? That’s money that could be used to launch a business. Sounds like this guy doesn’t have the passion or the drive to do anything. I could have boosted my business with that money and doubled it even more.

michelle

November 4th, 2014 at
1:00 AM

I can’t believe there are so many others out there like me. I felt so alone and I’m not the most sociable person on the planet anyway. We both are trying to get it together. He started school up recently and I am working as a waitress and going to college as well. Now that he’s started though, it’s like he is so beyond stressed out. I’m like, are you kidding me!? U are taking a ten week course and I’ve been holding down a job and taking three classes at the same time. How stressed do you think I’ve been huh? He’s 31 and I’m 23. He has always been my rock and helped me since he hasn’t been able to find a good job since the restaurant closed down. But now, without the little extra help, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. We bicker like never before. I don’t know what to do. We are living in his parents house which is a blessing. But I need to see some progress here. I’m crumbling : (

Chelsea

Clare

November 9th, 2014 at
2:17 PM

I’m not even dating my bf anymore but still supporting him. How f’d up is that? We signed a lease together, he was lovely and sweet at that time, looking back probably because I had asked him to move out of my old place where he was only staying as a “guest”. I supported him for a year in the old place. I was on the lease, had lived there alone for 2 years, but I met him and he needed help with somewhere to crash while he looked for a job. I said yes because I thought it would only be a few weeks, few months tops. A year later he was still there and hadn’t been the best roommate or boyfriend. But, I felt sorry for him and people helped me when I was finishing off my doctorate, so I figured it was my turn to pay the world back, in a way. He’s 34 and has a postdoc degree, so I figured he’d do well as there are lots of jobs available for his education level in the city we’re in.

Anyways, he finally, after 18 months gets a part time job at a local store and we break up. In fact, during one argument previous he said that as soon as he got a job we would break up. Within a week of breaking up he was chatting with a girl on okcupid and then 3 weeks later they were in love. He will go and stay in hotels with her once a week, she pays. Apparently she lives with her parents, so they have to hang out in motels and hotels.

I asked him to move out but he says he doesn’t have to leave because he’s on the lease and brags that legally I can’t throw him out. He also won’t let me move out because he can’t afford to cover the rent on his own and has threatened me financially and told me I should think carefully about what it might do to my credit rating and ability to renew my visa (I’m a Brit in the US). So I am trapped.

He has started paying a third of the rent, but it comes in drips and I often have to ask multiple times. When I do, he asks me if I NEED monies? So I feel like I can’t enjoy what little money I have on buying new clothes or a bottle of wine etc. because then he’ll think I don’t NEED his money for rent and won’t give me it. He’s actually said that, because I would have to pay all the rent if I was on my own, I don’t need money from him. He seems ignorant that because he’s home a lot the heating and electricity bills are higher than when I lived alone, that my food bills have gone up.

Yet despite paying a third of the rent and none of the bills, on his days off he will just play online and just wear boxer shorts. Of course, he gets cold but because he doesn’t pay for the heat thinks nothing of switching it on instead of putting on clothing! He doesn’t clean and lives in my living room now on my spare bed. He stays up all night when he’s not working the next day keeping me up. I am constantly tired for work and constantly having to get up in the night to ask him to turn the youtube videos he watches etc. down. He will use the microwave etc. to make food during the night right outside my bedroom door. He keeps leaving the front door unlocked. If I tell him not to, he tells me I’m ridiculous and that no one will break in. Maybe it’s because all the property in the apartment is mine and he just doesn’t care? Who knows.

But after reading your stories I saw a pattern. There is a difference between a person being unemployed and genuinely seeking employment and a person who has the character where they are willing to financially abuse another. I went through unemployment myself when I finished my doctorate. I was over qualified etc. but I worked at finding a job like it was a job itself and now I’m living in a different country at a good job. I’ve seen my friends work to find a job. It’s hard. It can cause depression. But what I see described here is a sort of financial abuse almost. Until this bf I didn’t realize there were people who cared so little about what they were putting another person through. And, because I wasn’t strong enough to get rid of him when there were red flags I stupidly signed a lease with him and now I am stuck supporting my ex-boyf who refuses to move out or pay his fair share.

I can’t take the stress of struggling to pay the bills, and the guilt if I treat myself to the odd bottle of wine, when the person who is benefitting from my support has cheated on me, dumped me (when I found out) and is enjoying nights out with his new love!

Chelsea

January 19th, 2015 at
2:01 PM

If i were you i would talk to the leasing company or the apartment manager. Yes, you signed a lease. See if you can get out of it and find a more affordable living situation without being stuck supporting a bum who is unfaithful to you. And him financially and emotionally abusing you. You are lucky you are not married to him. Please get out while you still can.

Jenn

I feel a little better knowing there are others out there with this situation.

It’s been less than a year that my husband hasn’t had his Mon-Fri full-time work. It was kind of a weird turn of events:

His company noticed that, despite his willingness to work overtime, he had never taken a vacation. So, my husband booked two weeks straight off. That’s fine, he’d be going back afterwards, and he got vacation pay. No problem for me, I keep working.

I received an inheritance, rather large, from my grandfather, totally unexpected, about a month prior to hubby’s vacation time. With that money, we paid off my credit card (hubby doesn’t have one), his student loan, and various other bills we wanted settled. We had a good amount leftover, so we agreed it would NOT be touched, just sit and gain interest – we’ve been married just over two years, so a nest egg for a house or a kid was a blessing.

Husband had some kind of nervous breakdown at work (it’s admittedly a stressful job) and then…this is where things get weird for me. He told me he wasn’t working at the same place any more after his vacation, but his company would put him at another location. Okaaayyy…

My worst fears confirmed, that never happened. So, that was about 3 months ago. We have since had to eat away at the savings we weren’t going to touch, and my credit card is about $3,000 from being back at the limit.

I think I don’t just resent him, I actually kind of hate him for this. I was so happy we had financial breathing room, and then he ate away at it. He has contacts that ask him to help with functions that pay “well” but they are usually (almost always) out of town. So, I drive him, he stays in a hotel, and gets the cheque later. We’re lucky, I guess, that he has SOME form of money coming in, but I can’t get over the fact that this all happened so quickly. I go to work every day, and am increasingly stressed out. I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I am looking for a therapist or something, thank goodness for benefits.

I guess my point is that I am building up resentment, but I feel I can’t express it. Be supportive, your husband will come through as he always does…but each day that goes by and he needs money to even get to interviews? It’s a little overwhelming. I could go on, but I’m sure you all can understand, thanks for letting me rant!!

EE

November 23rd, 2014 at
2:01 PM

Yeah… I married a doctor and have been supporting him, my two daughters, and his two kids for 6 years… On my sad teacher’s salary! He always has a blan to be unreasonably wealthy but it fizzles and he’s on to his next dream. Well, I’m ready to feed my dreams and I am about to have the TALK after the holidays. This isn’t fair and not how I thought this relationship was going to works… Plus he has destroyed my credit and savings! Resentment is a bitch!

Grace

November 23rd, 2014 at
6:22 PM

I’m in the same boat. My boyfriend moved in with me back in 2010; has held a bunch of jobs for not much more than 90 days. It seems that something always happens as soon as he gets these jobs; he suddenly gets a cold and has to take time off; or gets the ‘either you quit or we’ll fire you’ scenario, or a layoff. In between jobs, I’m working 3 jobs, 7 days a week in order to pay all the bills and stay afloat. Most of his days are spent in the recliner watching TV crime shows. It gets me so irritated that when I come home with a paycheck, he laments “oh, I just wish I had $20.00 in my wallet”. I gave him money to take the cat to the vet and he used it to gamble. I gave him money to get his drivers license and he used it to gamble (in gas station slot machines). When he goes for a job interview, he insists that he should get to drive my car because it will look better. Then he says he wants friends–he’s 57 years old. Some days I just want to pack him up and move him out. I get really tired of being supportive, and I’m literally exhausted trying to hold all of this together.

Lucky Star

Please need advise

November 23rd, 2014 at
8:00 PM

My boyfriend and me have been together a little over a year. We found out I was pregnant 4 months ago I was a cocktail waitress so I recently had to quit I feel bad bc he has to pay all of my bills. I am scared he will get tired of it and leave me

Laz

November 25th, 2014 at
7:17 AM

I glad that I found this site. At least it lets me know they there are other women who are going through the same thing. I don’t feel so alone if that’s any consolation. I still feel like a fool every day though! Ive been in this relationship for 6 1/2 years and he hasn’t worked a job for most of it…..3 months here, almost 2 yrs of unemployment benefits ( which all through I was calmly pointing out isn’t income but a benefit for hard times )…then 3 months there and 6 months unemployed and not looking. Then a 3 month temp job that ended with …..surprise surprise a back injury, 10 months of workmans comp and a small settlement to pay him off. Since then he works intermittently with his brother. A few hundred dollars a month …maybe sometimes! That’s been well over a year now. I’m a nurse lpn and make just enough to cover our bills alone but that means Nothing extra! He’s here constantly causing fights and bickers… Because how can I keep ignoring that he’s not going out looking for any work??? Every day that this goes on longer I have a harder time holding my tongue. I’ve lowered myself now to telling him daily how he is using me and that’s the way I see it! Ive asked him to leave repeatedly over the last year but as he has no job, no money,,, to move all his many collected hoarded of “stuff” out. Basically no money to live here with me or move anywhere else! When things get critical financially he asks his sick mother for money and she sends it.
This Really gets me angry. What kind of man doesn’t work or look for work then asks his mom for funds??? I don’t know what to do anymore !!!

Chelsea

January 19th, 2015 at
1:54 PM

I am in a similar situation. I suggest we leave our partners and then file for divorce. My problem is I have a you g child with my partner and i do not know where I would live or what work I would find, and how I could support me & my child. I have nowhere to go.

Dayna S

November 25th, 2014 at
4:47 PM

What about those of us who were forced out of work due to injuries? I loved my work and then I was injured in a way that prevents me from working. During my injured time I have endured constant pain, a very messy divorce, and humiliation from social security as I fight for my benefits. So what about those like me?

Kary

January 10th, 2015 at
3:59 PM

You’re situation is different because it isn’t your fault that you were injured and you seem to be doing all you possibly can to help yourself.
I think they’re talking about ones who refuse to help themselves and take advantage of their partners. I hope that you feel better

tammy

November 25th, 2014 at
8:59 PM

Going on 6 years here. He has nowhere to go and after nearly 20 years of having a “perfect” relationship, I’m now off supporting his lazy ass. Cleaning just enough to keep me from being angry but not quite enough to keep me from being stressed. I’ve already had 2 stress related heart attacks from work harassment and retaliation. He always has an excuse or gets angry and turns things on me to make me feel like I’m the problem. Honestly, if he’d just get and keep a job, there’s be no issues. I feel stuck and angry. I don’t even like looking at him.

etgoldie

December 8th, 2014 at
9:34 PM

I am in the exact same situation. Only it has been 8 years and I am 60. I lost my home because he acted out in his job (not the 1st time, he lost 4 since I have known him). Now he convinced me to invest my retirement in a company y he began and I haven’t seen any return in over 3 years.. I am so upset. Threatening him does nothing. He doesn’t seem to care and I am very tired of begging him to get a job to help me pay the bills. I am truly exhausted.

Kary

Debbie

December 9th, 2014 at
4:04 AM

Wow, what a godsend this website is. Been married 20+ years and he has worked for about 6 months out of all that time. When we met I had only just moved into a one bedroom flat and he moved in with his three kids. He worked at the time but I changed jobs as realised we needed a lot more money than we were both bringing in. I changed jobs working as a self employed and found although I was working days and late into the evening I was enjoying the work and money was good. We moved into a bigger house as the kids needed bedrooms of their own. He then decided to quit work as he was fed up. I then found I was the sole income into the family and thought ok this won’t be for long. He then decided he wanted to move to the States(he has a green card) so we saved, sold of all our stuff and moved to the states as a family. Lived there 10 years all on my wages he did nothing except spend, spend, spend. Cars for him, cars for his three kids once they were old enough. I was working days and nights and to the point of falling asleep driving. I do all the cleaning, cooking, housework, laundry he just spends. After 10 years he decides he wishes to move back to England so we do. Starting again over here I work 7 days a week as much as I can. Two boys have moved out but the third at 29 years old has moved back in with us. He has a full time well paid job but his dad says he doesn’t have to pay anything to live with us. My husband gets nearly everything he wants. I have always handed over every penny I have worked for and he still only pays the bills when he really has too. We argue all the time as I have to ring the bill people asking for more time to pay. Holding off the bailiffs but he always has a big pocket full of money but as he says that’s his money. If clients cancel he goes mad moaning I’m not working hard enough and after 20+ years of mental abuse I have had enough. I’ve always worked always have but due to the nature of my work clients cancel and as I work as self employed I don’t get paid when they do. It is a highly paid job and has kept my husband and his three kids from a previous marriage in a very happy life style. I’m tired, fed up of always having to carry the load and biggest is fed up of feeling not good enough. I’ve tried leaving but the abuse is horrendous or he demands if I leave I pay him £2,000 a month. Feeling fed up, lonely and totally shattered both physically and mentally. I have no family or friends to talk to just myself so it’s nice to be able to vent on here. X

Cam

January 9th, 2015 at
7:48 PM

For the last three years, I have been engaged in an erratic live-in relationship with my boyfriend who has four dependent-age children. I am very close with the kids (ages 11 to 16), and take care to prioritize their needs. Their biological mother is an unemployed alcoholic, who is only occasionally involved (by her own choice) in caring and providing for them.

Since the kids came to live with me, their grades have improved dramatically (I insist on a routine, and assist them with homework daily). Their truancy from school has also decreased.

Unfortunately, the environment they lived in previously has enforced many poor habits, as law-breaking and “prison-culture” was a rule in their mother’s home, rather than an exception or an example to be learned from. Additionally, their father (my boyfriend) served prison time on a felony sentence. This of course has engendered an inevitable defiance toward authority.

But the challenges I face with the kids is nothing compared to the difficulty I am having with my relationship with their father. While I am grateful that he is taking advantage of the time to reestablish a parental relationship with his kids, he has once again (pattern evident) walked away from his job, and refuses to accept work that he considers beneath or unrelated to his skill set (automotive/construction).

I am (once again) paying the rent on our four bedroom home in full, as well as the bills. Fortunately, he receives food stamps, but it does not relieve the financial pressure I am under. I work FT, 40-50 hours a week, and recently failed a part time semester in college while trying for my Associate’s degree.

I am loathe to think that he is taking advantage of me, but it has been weighing on my mind. I understand his position, which is damaging to his self-esteem. He has made many mistakes in the past, distant and more recently, but has made considerable effort to clean up his act in those aspects of his life, except for where I am concerned. Our communication is breaking down, and I am at my wit’s end to continue providing for this family.

Any thoughts or suggestions welcome. Does anybody even read this board?

Lucky Star

Kary

January 10th, 2015 at
3:49 PM

God bless whoever started this! I soooo desperately need some advice and am very isolated and alone in this.
Im afraid in a way to talk on here….im no good with computers and such but God brought me here I guess

Lucky Star

January 11th, 2015 at
7:52 PM

I’m a 33 year old professional woman with no kids. Currently my fiance and I live together and he has been unemployed for over a year. A few months ago he stop con tributing (my guess is he exhausted his savings). I’m fed up and he tip toes around me. I really want him to live with his family until he find a job and can afford to cover his share. I absolutely cannot marry an unemployed man. Just feel like I deserve more. When he was working he paid his share but spent his left over money on who knows what (probably strippers although I don’t have proof). In the beginning he failed to tell me he lost his job to cover up spending time with another women (I had proof but he wouldn’t admitt to it). The more I think about it the more I want him gone. Being in this relationship is exhausting. We been together for 9 years and he can’t wait to get married. As for me I’m about to run with the wind. I should just dissappear and let the house forclose…in my name anyways. Sorry for rambling. Any advice is apprciated.

Kelly

August 13th, 2018 at
8:29 PM

i know this is 3 years old but for anyone reading who is going through this and NOT married…RUN RUN RUN like the wind and do not turn back!!!! Move out and evict that deadbeat if that’s what it takes. If you are here, you have taken all you can. It will not get better and who wants to wait and see anyway?? You already know your answer. Find happiness and peace in yourself, save yourself. Be free!

Hayley

January 16th, 2015 at
3:30 PM

Hi my boyfriend receives unemployment and doesn’t help me with any bills or our sons cost of food diapers etc he does nothing and will not leave because he’s on the lease is there any way I can call unemployment and get them to drug test him or something so he could loose it and finally have a reason to evict him he claims he helps with the checks but he really doesn’t if he wasn’t making anything I can prove he’s lying

Chelsea

January 19th, 2015 at
1:44 PM

I am in a similar situation, only more heartbreaking. My advice to you would be to get out of the relationship as fast as possible. Try to take everything of yours out of the place you are in now and transfer the mortgage to him. He will have no choice but to get out, or to pay.

I wish my situation was that easy. I have been married for 7 years and basically my husband has stayed home and played video games since his last temorary internship ended in December. We have 1 child together which deeply complicates things. All we’ve done lately us fight with one another. I pay the mirtgage, the car Insurance, The Medical Insurance and The Utilities on our home. I have supported our family solely on savings for over 3 years he got 2 small technical internship jobs which lasted only 4 months each and in the last year & 2 months we have had only 6-8 months top of his employment. I’ve worked as a Teacher’s Aide part time and a Substitute Teacher. I may just start cleaning houses for a small fee when my child is at school. Every vacation in the last 4 months has been renigged because of illnesses and finance issues. We pretty much fight all the time. I do not love him anymore, or trust, or respect or confide in him. We have had 0 sex kife for months because i am afraid of him. He gets very angry. And hurts me and throws things. He has hurt our son. I reported it to the cops and CPS. He was furious. He has not changed. I am so depressed now i just cry after we fight for hours. I am so scared our son will get seriously injured again.
We have gone to counseling, taken classes. We just blame eachother and fight. He blames me and a type depression i have, on everything. Like the illness defines me.
I have left with my son a handful of times to stay at hotels and get away from him.
He pretends yo be kind and says he just will do whatever I say and then less than a week later he is back to his old self again.
I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. I don’t want to even be with him in this life anymore.
My parents divorced when i was18, i am trying hard not to do that to my child. It has been 11 years and it still hurts every day.

Lucky Star

January 19th, 2015 at
9:17 PM

Hi Chelsea, he sounds like a horrible man and it seem like you and your kid are in danger. Maybe you could stay with family….like your mom until you can get your own place. Also try reaching out to your church family. Wish you the best.

Nikki M.

January 26th, 2015 at
7:34 AM

I am in the same boat Janet. I’ve been the provider for five years due to the fact that my husband can’t hold on to a job. On top of it, he has become a mean, nasty, verbally abusive man. I want him out of my life, but he has no $$. I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I don’t have feelings for him anymore. I’m hoping and praying that this all will end soon by the grace of God. All the best you Janet, and everyone on here.

In the same leaky boat

January 23rd, 2015 at
1:40 AM

I have just read all these comments and cried. I have been in the same leaky boat for the last 16 (long and painful) months. The 14 years prior were ‘normal’ 9-5 for both of us (well it was actually it was more 8-6, but you get the point). In the last 16 months – fortunately for me (not for him) I have achieved a lot professionally and not only has my salary/bonuses gone well, but I also have the opportunity to travel (with work) to exotic/remote locations. This has also been good because financially I have been able to make sure we won’t lose our house. Today I booked another work trip which has been extended for a mini holiday with my colleagues to an expensive beach resort to celebrate a work success. I work approx 60-70hrs a week regularly. He does not vacuum, clean, shop, wash or cook. As far as I can tell he spends his days playing computer games. I have to beg him to mow the lawn. And he resents my (tiny!) mini holiday which is mostly funded by work. I know it is not something I will be able to talk about when I get home, I will have to say it was boring or all I did was work (even though we are already planning lots of cocktails, sitting by the pool and massages). I have already got a storyline of ‘Asian-belly’ concocted (same as the last trip! LOL). I feel alone and resentful and frustrated. I feel like our lives have gone on hold since his redundancy and even with my above average salary, financially we are going backwards. I guess I am just over it and want our old lives back. I also want one more tiny aspect… My own sense of achievement and pride with my own job. I want to be able to sing my own praises and whinge about the hours and workload instead of having to say how grateful I am to have a job at all. And damn it I do not want to say I am ‘lucky’ to be travelling somewhere exciting with work. And a very big part of me wants to have my work bonuses paid directly to me with cash that he never knows about so I can spend it directly on me…..

In the same leaky boat

Lily Ann

January 24th, 2015 at
4:31 PM

Please don’t ever feel bad for venting. I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same position as you, I really just want our old lives back, where my husband takes care of all the bills and I feel loved and financially secure. Problem is I can’t even tell my parents and friends and am suffering alone inside. Knowing that my husband naps in the afternoon and does nothing but laze around the house really turns me off him. I am beginning to regret marrying him and I dont know how long more I can put up with this….but I guess we dont have a choice but to just march on and hope for the best…

suzanne

January 27th, 2015 at
11:58 PM

(not in a bad way)but I am so happy to know I am not the only one.i feel so alone and so hurt and cry most of the time.when I met him we both were not working but was financially well off till reality hit with having our first child and I got my ass to work.Everyday Monday to Sunday just enough to buy nappies and 4 years into this he lays around at home watching tv and doing nothing.ill come home and he would want neer or when the lights are out he calls me to sort it out.he helps around with our son but honestly I feel like I’m sucking into this deep depression having to take and the household.my family doesn’t know as many occasions they warned me even his own mother wants me to leave him and I’ve considered it so many times.just what will happen to my son as I work even nights to stay afloat at home.who will take care of him…really sad and lonely as I am writing this,his busy sleeping til I have to head to work

Robin

January 25th, 2015 at
4:17 AM

In trying to figure out how to let go of the bitterness, I stumbled upon this site. I’ve grown extremely bitter & have become angry towards everyone around me, including people at work. Husband last his job 5-6 years ago and I’ve been the breadwinner. Lost our house, vehicle, sanity. Have no savings, living paycheck to paycheck and living with family. Things obviously happen for a reason. My elderly grandparent needed someone to stay with them and that’s what we are doing. I guess I’m just trying to be ok with the current situation since I know things aren’t going to change soon. Trying to figure out how to do that exactly.

Monica

January 28th, 2015 at
10:52 PM

I understand you Robin, you are not alone. My husband has been unemployed for almost 8 years, since 2008. Tonight we got into a big argument because I told him why is he applying to county jobs because he’s never going to get any of them. Yes I admit, I’m extremely bitter over this situation. I don’t thin he sees it from my side. I’ve been working almost consistently since he’s been out of work, we got married and had a baby during that time and I st returned back to work. Last January, I lost my job of 7 years, he told me to not worried he will make his job search more aggressive, well I had to do temp work after my unemployment benefits ran out, someone had to make money for our family. So by the luck of faith, I gained a full time permenant position. However as I reflect back to most of last year when I wasn’t working and staying home with our toddler child, it really made me upset that he did not step up to the plate and gained some sort of employment. Why??? He has a college degree and at this point I feel he is now unskilled for today’s workforce. At my wit’s end, we have 0 sex life. I wanted to have a another child but how? I just began a new job, we need my income without interruptions. This seems so unfair at times yet, all I can do is hold on to faith. Please let him get a job sooner than later, not sure how we are going to keep up with this, year after year

Gin

March 1st, 2019 at
11:36 AM

All the stories hit me to the core. I have been going through this lifestyle with my husband of 9 years and together for 18 Lord knows how long. I am 40 and my husband is 45 I been going through his bad luck with child support , false charges against him in 2015 which lead to bonds, court resets for almost 3 years. I honestly don’t know how I ended up with this lifestyle we have a son and he adores his father but the stress between him and I have gotten to a point I just don’t know how I feel anymore. I support everything all the bills, the rent, ( I want a house) but how can i with just my salary. My husband has been in and out of jobs since I been with him and my mother always told me something was not right because of this, but I would always defend the fact that he would come across so much bad luck and how he is smart he has a degree he is an ex football player we will be okay but it just never did. Sure through life we had laughs and good times , but to see life is still going on and our peers keep elevating and we just still struggling he expects money from me when my paycheck comes in every other week. I pay everything and he tells me I can’t handle money right! I’ve been insulted and times he tells me that if I would have listened to him on specific ideas we would not be where we are. He is a dreamer always talk but that is it. Now all this I’m saying there are reasons why I married him why I chose him he loves me and our son he fixes things and is a protector but I don’t know if that is enough anymore. I try to convince myself things will be ok but I have been waiting and neglecting the type of happiness I believe myself and our son deserves. I can tell a long story of my life with him and everything we been through but it would be a book. I want to separate so bad or for us to see a professional so he can really see how this is tearing me apart. I always been a happy go lucky person but now I just do not know myself anymore. He just does not get it one bit.

Hannah H

January 29th, 2015 at
8:28 AM

I am currently in a relationship that has been going since i was in the 10th grade. My boyfriend has never been able to keep a job. He hasnt had a job since i graduated high school. I dont know what to do with him. He says he wants to marry me but hes currently jobless and living with his dad. Ive tried to find my own job but it never works out because of my emotional and mental problems. Ive been on disability for the past few months and its the only money i have. When i get the chance to see him its me or his dad paying for everything. He had lunch with a guy he had an interview with in november. The guy kept avoiding him. Then yesterday he asks him to meet him just so he can tell him to quit bothering because he wont give him a job. This tore me apart. This job was supposed to pay alot and i had my hopes up that hed get it. But since he didnt we dont know what to do. His dad constantly threatens to kick him out if he doesnt get a job. He has nowhere to go. And i know my family wont let him move in with me. I need advice or some sort of help.

Lisa

January 30th, 2015 at
12:13 PM

I am 19 and me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and the last two we have lived together. It was great for the driest year, but in the second year he decided to go to school. While he’s in school he’s not working leaving me to be the only bread winner. I really want to go to college as well but supporting us both means I can’t save. I have asked him to get a weekend job to help and it has been 4 months. I am starting to get depressed and angry towards him because he talks about school and goes to his friends or hangs out with them. I am getting resentful because I work full time and do overtime often and don’t have time for a social life anymore. I try to tell him about how I feel and he keeps saying it will get better when he’s done school. I don’t think he understands how depressed and alone I am feeling. I don’t look at him with love anymore just anger mostly. I feel horrible for it and it makes me more depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore.

lynn

February 1st, 2015 at
8:15 PM

I just dont know what to do anymore. Im 25 and my boyfriend of 6 years and I have a 16 month old son. Throughout these 6 years i have been jobless for maybe a total of 4 months. He on the otherhand has been jobless for a combined total of at least 4 years. He got quite a decent inheritance from his dads estate right before baby came so he quit the job he had to help with the baby. He paid our rent for awhile, paid off my $6000 loan, and bought us both vehicles. The rest he spent on god knows what because all we have to show for it is the trucks. A few months before i went back to work after having my son, all his money was gone and he had no job. So we moved in with my parents. This was supposed to be very temporary while he found a job so we could afford our own place. We have now been here 7 months. Not one interview. He says hes trying but all i see is him going to hang out with friends. Maybe apply online to a few job postings once in awhile. He is always downstairs by himself watching tv because he hates living here so much. So why wont he just find SOMETHING so we can take our life off of hold. Everyone including my parents tell me to leave him but i love him. But i am starting to resent him. I go to work as much as i can but i have a medical issue that arrises once a yearvso my hours while this happens isnt full time. Its enough to pay the minimum on our bills and thats it. When i bring up debt he blames me even though the $6000 i am once again in debt isnt because i bought frivalous things. It was for groceries and neccessities that i didnt have the money for so i had to put on my credit card. I feel like i am drowning…

nicole q

February 12th, 2015 at
4:53 AM

I’ve been holding down a household of 5 with no assistance of any form for 2 years now.
It’s been hard especially when my unemployed partner complains all the time about his woes and worries.
We were tied down to only one vehicle and he does attend school part time, 12 hours a week. It’s been non stop complaints of how tired he is from having to wake up to take me to work and then pick me up later. I’M TIRED!!!! I’m tired every day from working 10-12 hours each day sometimes 6-7 days a week to make ends meet and get us what we NEED.
He just began school again after winter break and just yesterday he stayed he needs a break from things. Not our relationship but life. When do I get my break??
I hate saying these things because then I sound selfish but I’M TIRED.

kgomotso

Don

February 12th, 2015 at
9:56 AM

I’ve been married 12 years to my wife.She brought 2 children into the relationship but that was okay.I loved them and raised them as my own.But 6 years into the marriage my wife lost her job and hasn’t contributed financially ever since.At first I could carry the load until the financial crisis and then I lost my job.Since then I’ve found a better job making more money but I still need her help.I think she went so long without working most employers over look her qualifications,I guess.We are drowning in debt.I’m applying for a job that will take me away from home but I’ll make more money than I’m making now.I truly love my wife but I think it’s time for me to move on and find someone who is willing to work just as hard as me and not be stuck with someone who depends on me.Am I wrong?I know marriage is for better or worse but just keep thinking about the life I could have if I was with someone who is more independent and has less baggage.

kgomotso

March 22nd, 2015 at
12:39 PM

My brother don’t leave this women tell her what you want and work on it,its better to fix problems than to run away Ul run for ever coz ul find worse problems than now.as long she doesn’t cheat on you then and gives you a meal on time then she’s the 1…

Tammy

May 10th, 2015 at
5:27 PM

If she is not willing to work when you are both in significant debt, there is a big problem. This is farther reaching than just working to contribute towards a higher standard of living. It has to do with being responsible and sharing the load. And I think that’s part of marriage vows. I’m in a similar position (except I’m the woman bearing the financial burden) and I think it’s wrong regardless. I also put up with it because I made a commitment and I don’t want to give up easily. But it is becoming more apparent that this is truly wrong. Best of luck to you!

Adena

Crystal

February 15th, 2015 at
6:04 AM

My husband lost his job 2 years ago after his heart operation.Then his health recover after few month. When he working full time in I.T, I went back to school for vocational training and looking after 2 pre- schoolers, and do all the house work , and cook very health meal everyday. When he just lost his job, I finished my vacation course and looking for part time and expected he will get some work no matters full time or part time. My DH only willing to work part time in desk as he thinks labor work will hurt him back. So it was not easy for him to get job. He once got a good part time job but after few weeks he quited because he said it was stressful for him. He became impatient since he got depression and sometime like a stranger to me. Everything is stressful for him even the house work, even me.
For me , as long as it give me money I don’t mind the nature of work. Although I has been working in office for long time. I soon got a part time low paid work but it did not matters as I need money. After few months of unemployment, he has been diagnosed as Depression. After 9 months of his employment we could not afford our mortgage so we sold our house in city and moved to a regional suburb . We did know too much people in the new place and I tried hard to get any type of work , while my DH busy keeps busy in his volunteer work in a political party. It was difficult for me to get work as I am an migrant and don’t speak English too fluent. And no connection in new placed. I asked him why you spent so much time on work that did not make money at the time we need money. He said that he enjoyed doing these volunteer work, they did make him feel stress. Anyhow finally I started knowing some friends here and got a chance to set up a small business .
But I have to spend long time in my work with little profit to cover all the bills.
Everytime when I got home, house & kids is dirty, dishes is unwashed from morning, My DH cooks dinner but cook with no heart at all so I don’t eat dinner usually. My kids also don’t want his dinner gradually and just want a bowl of cereal. So end-up I do the cooking recently. Once I get up in the morning , I am busy at preparing my kids and my self Breakfast and lunch. Once I get home, I have to cook and busy to clean the house and my kids . MY DH does some housework but very very slowly so he thinks he does a lot. He seldom take a look how fast I does these house work and how much I do with a long full time work. And he is very forgetfully. I have to remind him times to do some simple thing. He may mark down the things in mobile but still forget from time to time. When I was not working, I was doing all the housework. Now When I am working long full time, I still have to doing most of the house work !!! . When My DH looks after my kids when I need to work, he just give them junk food and let them pay TV games whole day. He just sits in front of computer all the time.

I feel unsupported and try to talk with my DH many times but he just listens and shows no or little improvement. For my 2 children I have to work hard no matter how. From my DH points of view, because he got depression, he doesn’t need to work to hard, doesn’t need to think about the future. I think he just selfish.

I wish I could separate with my DH, but with 2 school kids and a business just starting, it just not easy as difficult to find someone to love and look after my children. At least my DH love my children. At least he doesn’t not smoke, drink or gamble or abuse. I always asked myself what shall I do? I always dream If I were younger (now I am 40+)and no children I can start my new life easily and don’t need to be struck in such situation. But My children are my most important thing in my life, they give me strength to put up these things.

I have talked to some friends I find these long term unemployment/ these only do few hours part time for a week , they have some things in comment:
1. When they looked for job, they will say they are overqualified for a lot of work if they got good education.They may think an
ex-manager should not work as a MacDonald staff. If they can not find a senior job/white collar work, they are insulted.
In fact if they really want to find a entry level job, they don’t need to list their high education background to give the employer excuse to refuse them. But they just silly do it and use same CV for every job. They “said” they are willing to do any work for money but their attitude are not matching.
2. If they just got basic education, they will say a lot of job has high requirement.
3. They only want to find some meaningful job Particular for these who has had a good career before. They don’t want to fit in the position job market needed for the time being, but they just want to work in the position they like.
4. They usually lazy in their daily routine.
5. sitting in front of computer all day. Sleep long hours.
6. Usually has a capable hard working partner who look after him. (willingly or unwilling due to the children)
7. For most of them, the main reason cannot get work is their attitude, not their luck, skill , experience,and education background.

Amanda

February 17th, 2015 at
6:47 AM

Im tired of taking care of my bf! I have a daughter of 2 years. And i feel like i have 2 kids! He was sweet and charming till he moved in on me without even asking! He hasnt had a job in 2 years. He basically lives off of me. Eats all my food and i LITERALLY have to share everything with him! I asked him repeatedly to leave many times. he is not the father of my daughter. I am not married to him. And he won’t leave!! I’ve called the police on him a few times but he just keeps cominG back!! This is the worse realtionship I’ve ever been in! his father doesn’t want him living with him, his brother kicked him out and his mother lives in another state! Why is this my problem! I want him out of my life!!!

Ms S

February 18th, 2015 at
6:06 PM

I have a similar story as many of you … I am the wife of 12 years totally frustrated of what has become of my DH’s mediocre drive to work and provide for his family. I have always been a self motivated earner. Don’t mind it one bit,?in fact I love being able to contribute, but I signed up to be part of a team. At this point, I feel like I am the mother (which I have 3 young children as well). I was laid off after my 3rd child, and picked right up with my own business. 3 yrs in making more $ than I ever have. DH is ok with doing the minimal. I earn the $, pay the bills, clean up the house, attend school functions, and am also currently in school. He is ok with sleeping until 10am when he decides to wake up … sits at a computer and wonders why he is not succeeding! It blows my mind. Then he tells me he is in a crisis because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life! Are you kidding me? He should be doing whatever he can to assist with providing for his house by any means necessary. I am so sick of it. It has gotten to the point where everything he says and does aggravates me and I have NO compassion for him whatsoever. This has been going on for years. I love him, I know he loves me and his kids, but this does not work for me … I want a teammate. I think what if something were to happen to me? What would become of my children and the life they live? I am so torn and feel so unhappy.

ms.p

April 26th, 2015 at
12:23 AM

I am so sorry to hear that. I do not have any answer for you….sadly I am in exactly the same boat. Husband off work for 14 years, two kids later…..still no job. He lives of his parents hand outs and sleeps in everyday…..I always worked and was emotionally supportive for him to find a job….but there was always an excuse why he can not work…..now I feel sad because I thought he was a better person that he really is…..shame on me for allowing this to happen for such a long time….but I was always so busy trying to earn enough to support the family, now I am exhausted and look for him to step in but he is giving me such a hard time. One thing for sure…..I will receive no medals for my efforts to try and make this marriage work. His parents are okay with him not working….. We have place to live, two beautiful children, husband who looks after the kids after school(btw that is the only thing he does when I am at work- as soon as I come home I have to cook, clean, take care of the school work and kids) and my parents in law do not understand why I am so unhappy? I should be more patient with my husband as it is so hard on him for not being able to find a work. Wow! I just had enough! Can you please respond to me….I need to be in contact with someone going through this as well…..I feel so lost and lonely.

hardworking woman understands

May 25th, 2015 at
6:36 AM

I understand where u r coming from. My husband has been unemployed for 4+ years. He has a bad back and no hs diploma so finding work is hard for him, and sometimes I understand and am supportive. I make enough to pay our bills and a little extra, but I still feel like I got a bad deal. It isn’t fair. He recently got two speeding tickets and then broke his cell phone and had to get another. 500 later all I can think is that he isn’t allowed to make mistakes!!! I feel soo angry. My parents are starting to hate him and his parents once said to me, well u aren’t starving. I’m like, really, is the point of marriage to not starve? I was under the impression that marriage was about being a team, sharing interests and living a long, full life of laughter and kisses.

I know I have to be there through the tough times, but my husband makes me feel like a jerk when I tell him I’m stressed and unhappy in our marriage. He says that it makes him feel bad and how will he ever be better when I’m beating him down.

It’s true that this is a bad time for men. Women are taking the lead while men stay curled up in bed shaking. Im just glad im the worker and I’m not him. He is helpless and weak and I read my do despise those qualities. I’m trying to learn acceptance but it ain’t easy girl.

Miss h

February 26th, 2015 at
10:53 AM

I am 20 and have been with my 21 year old boyfriend for nearly 2 year at first it was fine we other worked at a pub he spoilt me as much and whenever he could and he’s amazing and does help out around my parents house when asked but has been unemployed and living here for nearly a year I have had 2 jobs in this time as a receptionist which I had to resign from and my current position I Don’t know what to do any more it’s so difficult I have to go to work every day I bring in the money and he wants stuff all the time where’s my stuff for doing the work? I’m 20 and so stressed about money I’m genuinely going mental. He won’t even sign on and back the taxes that I pay for!… Someone help me

Crystal

February 26th, 2015 at
3:05 PM

Hi, Ms H

No one can help you except yourself. To save yourself, you must be claimed down. Only when you claim down, you will know what is most important to you. You deserve love and respect which your currently boy friend seems not able to offer. If he love and respect you he will try harder to share your financial burden. This is no excuse (unless he is sick)for him not to get job and rely on you. Even he is sick you already look after him for one year . Consider that you and your BF only 2 years all together, this is quite a lot. You are not married with him,you do not have commitment to look after him forever. Even you married him, your commitment should be act on reasonable base. And even you married him, you can dervoce.

I believe you have already talked to your boyfriend many times how you feel and what you expect from him. But things does not change. It is very difficult to change other people. Change yourself will be much easy. I understand you may not want to leave your bf as he somehow may give you some emotional support. Things can not keep on like this you better give a deadline for yourself /yr bf to act. Stress make you not able to see better, stress make you confuse and impair your confidence. But please believe in yourself you have to strength to take action to change. You are only 20 and hard working . you should have a much better future and settle down with a nice man. I understand it is easy to say than do, but please please have confidence to yourself and be resilience. It may be help to claim down by talking with some good friend or people who support you. But only yourself will make your dream come true.

A man on an Island

March 18th, 2015 at
7:12 AM

There is a lot of man bashing on here. Too few stories of the woman in the relationship not holding her own or stepping up. I would vent about my situation but, I guess that makes me misogynistic? Today’s “standards of political correctness” have left me confused. Women, children and minorities are victims. Men are perpetrators. I feel burdened and alone. This point in history does not appear to be good for men?

Mandy

Anonimus

March 21st, 2015 at
1:41 PM

Dear friends,
I am about to break up with my boyfriend. We have been in a relationship since 2011 (4years) and now I think I am tired of trying to get a better future with him. I live with my family, my daddy is a millionaire and my boyfriend is a little bit poor. In the begginingy family didn’t accepted our relationship but then I started studying and m boyfriend also. But now he left the College and he don’t want to stud anymore. I am very sad and don’t know what to do with him. He’s so lazy he dont study dont work he likes to chill and I should work. I am confused cuz I think he will spend his rest of the life like this. I don’t want to be married and have a family wit this kind of person :( but I still love him……can somebody tell me what to do ? Should I leave or stay with him ?

kgomotso

March 22nd, 2015 at
12:28 PM

Well you should follow your heart,sometimes it’s not like he doesn’t want a better life he just needs a push in a right direction.Do listen to your parents they don’t want to see you suffer while they have raised you well believe me ul hate your life

Leah

March 22nd, 2015 at
5:07 PM

I just recently found this website and I must admit reading a lot of the posts really has me astonished that so many people allow this to happen. I’m one of those people. It makes me so sad. I’ve been with my other half for almost two years. We don’t have any children together but I have three from a 10 year hell. I love that man with every ounce of my being. When we first met he was exactly ever wanted and everything I never knew I needed. He had a job. He was supportive. My kids loved him. He treated me so well. He was super sweet and by far the easiest person to love. He had a job and I did as well. I have worked at the same place for seven years. It completely sucks but its a paycheck. In the first year he was in a pretty bad car accident and broke some ribs and collarbone. He went back to work and within the same week he just decided he didnt want to do that job anymore and he walked out. Since then he has had many jobs. He doesn’t have a hard time finding jobs. He has a hard time staying at them. The whole two years we have been together he has probably worked maybe six months. The rest of the time he is playing video games, laying in bed, hanging out with his friends.. basically do whatever he wants. While I struggle every day to support us. We live paycheck to paycheck. It has me so stressed out that whenever I would say anything about it he would flip it around and play the victim card. I seriously am at my wits end. We aren’t teenagers. We are in our thirties. We are adults. There has to be a point in time when something clicks in your head and says time to grow up. I’m TIRED.I’m stressed. Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk out of my job because it is horrible? ALOT. I havent though because I know if I do then where will we live? Who wants to take in two grown adults that have no jobs and no money!? No one. I feel like a complete fool sometimes. I know that there has to be a way to get things back on track. I love him so much. I’m not stupid enough to believe i can change him. I hope this isn’t the way he is either. I just want to run away about 99.8 percent of the time! What would that solve? Absolutely nothing.

Michelle

Skye

March 31st, 2015 at
7:40 PM

So every situation seems so different but similar. Where do I turn? My husband was a good provider for over 30 years and now has been unemployed for 2 years and not finding anything. I am the sole provider. I really don’t feel he is trying hard to find a job so how long do I go before I can’t take it any longer. I don’t discuss it with family or friends because they all feel enough is enough and I should leave him. But I’ve seen divorce destroy families and although our kids are grown, I know it would be so hard on them. I just feel like it’s a vicious cycle that isn’t getting better.

BostonLaw

April 15th, 2015 at
2:35 PM

I have a boyfriend who does not work in the past year and a half I have dated him. He doesn’t live off of my 80 a week or more working adult funds. He does get a very nice lifestyle and I’m talking mansions and 90,000 cars provided by his family member who plays in the NFL. He pays for me as much as I pay for him so it’s equal. I feel I don’t have the right to complain because of this but it does bother me. The fact he sits around most days doing nothing or he at times runs around for this family member like a servent which I’m sure he feels obligated to do. I worry his laziness will effect our relationship and will he ever build anything with me since I surely can’t and wont provide him the lifestyle his family member is?

gigi

April 16th, 2015 at
10:36 PM

I’m aware that I’m already in a state of stress and frustration over my husband’s 1.5 year unemployment, but these tips really tick me off. Too many of them require money, which clearly we don’t have. “Take a vacation” was the most absurd. We can barely afford the “cook together” suggestion! It’s pretty much ramen noodles and Mac n cheese; No group effort needed, even if our small kitchen could fit two cooks in it. My husband used to make 6 figures. Now? Zero income. All our savings- gone. Wedding money- nearly gone. He’ll owe back-child-support when he finally gets employed. My parents have been paying our rent and utilities for over a year, and if it weren’t for them, we’d be homeless. We only have one car, and there’s no public transportation where I live, and my husband needs the car to try to get work and to transport his son, so I can only attempt at working from home, which I have been trying with no luck. I also have to consider some laws that require stepparents to always continue to pay child support, even if you divorce the child’s biological parent, which can happen if a stepparent ever voluntarily begins to take care of the stepchild’s financial needs. Originally we both wanted me to be a stay at home mom, so my husband doesn’t even want me to work anyway. All this adds to my frustration because I definitly feel like it’s necessary for me to find work and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I also still have to do my role of taking care of home and family despite him not doing his role as provider. We still have sex 2-3x/week but it used to be everyday and used to be much better. Honestly what kills me the most about all this, is that my husband used to be a leader; responsible, dominant, confident, thought of the little things and took care of things instantly, etc, and now his depression and guilt has turned him into someone who can’t even remember to do simple yet important tasks like make a phone call or feven if I write them down for him.

Crystal

April 26th, 2015 at
8:18 PM

Hi Ms P,

I understand how you suffer long term; and how disappointed you feel about your partner. And maybe you have some disappointment to your self. It is glad to know that we have a place to share our thought and feel.
After having read so many stories here , I think I can roughly classify the partner of unemployment husband of doing almost nothing at housework. ( the partner of unemployed wife usually has less problem. as the unemployed wife usually do most of the homework n look after their children, it can be a big support to a family)

The 2 types are :
1. The wife still try to make her partner find full time/part time work, or make them do more house work . If you have not try everything, you may keep trying. eg. find a marriage counselor. ETC.

2. The wife had tried everything but their partner have not improve too much. In this situation, the wife can choose to ask their partner move out if there is no issue of children. But with the children (esp the young one) thing get more complicated. It is just like a dead knot. Childcare n well being of the children will be a big issue. If you become single,you may need to give up yr full time work to look after the children. If you the children are not an issue,there is no reason not why don’t you separate with your partner.

The way out is not too difficult to see, every mental healthy person will know. but just too difficult for the emotional side to get to a way out. It is a bit similar as those women abused by their partner and still put up for long term until it reaches the break point of their personal suffering. A lot of time even they separated from their abusive partner and safe. they carry the bad experience for long time. Besides the issue with children so the wife has to be stayed in the marriage, I thought a lot of us need determination and confidence to make the better decision for our life. At the end of day, what way you choose lead to an expected consequence. U can not hope to choose way A to reach destination B. Ie. you are in a pizza restaurant and you can not expect get Sushi there. you can not expect doing nothing with the lazy long term unemployed husband change and your life will become better. This is not logical and everyone knows. Except those with children, What the biggest challenge for most of us are our emotional vs rational. If you don’t admit the reality you will keep suffering. If you admit the reality and the logical consequence you can make the better choice for your life.
Yes, you can come to this blog to have a break but nothing can be changed in your environment.

For these with children issue like me, I choose to put up with and wait my children grow up. As they are the most import thing for me to fight for my whole life. But not everyone situation is the same, you should carefully judge you own situation, understand more of yourself and your family including your partner before making decision. Sorry to say that, there is no magic will be happened in real life. But it does not mean you can not make yourself happy even under an adverse environment. If you want your self happy, no matter how harsh the environment, you can. There a Taiwan famous writer he was put in jail many many years ago for political reason. They tortured him by removing his nails but he still kept himself smiling. As he told himself if I want to be happy, I can no matter what condition. I don’t mean you should put up to to such extreme situation but just let you know there are sometime magic can happen inside our human being. It is all under your control how y think. So recently I try to do some exercise and keep reading make myself more peaceful and happy.

One important thing I will like to say to all these woman if their partner is financial unstable, please please do not try to have baby with them it just creates more problem. Unless yourself is very financial secure . After so many examples here , you will find out that when a man become long term unemployed (say more then 3-6 months), they personality will change gradually. Of course a supportive partner will help them a bit but the supportive
wife will gradually exhausted because outside working, homework + looking after children. They might be sweet, hardworking, positive before, but once they become unemployed and with no income, they change. Why you would like to have baby with a man that you are doubt whether they will get back to work, and doubt with their strange personality? The biggest difference between man and woman is the woman always sacrifice in the family and children. If a woman decide to have baby, useful she will be have a lot of consideration to her baby before doing anything. So to have a baby is the biggest decision in your life. As this is non-reversible. You can separate if you married a wrong person. But you cannot change if you have a child. You may feel I am too conservative and tradition. You may say Man can also be a good child raiser, but they are rare.

Jane

April 27th, 2015 at
3:38 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for going on 5 years now. We met in college and moved back to my hometown after school to save money(hes from another state). He doesnt have much family and I have the polar opposite. Over the last 2 years we have lived here he has had various jobs. A few were pretty good but the most recent was the most financially helpful. He was laid off in September due to lack of work at the business. Ive held a full time job since we moved here. In the last month he has become someone I dont even recognize. Hes can be completely normal one minute and irritable and angry the next. In the last few months he has threatened to leave a few times and then gone back on what he said and actually moved to a new place with me. In the last 3 weeks he has gone totally downhill. He refuses to tell me he loves me and has said as soon as he gets things situated he is leaving and moving back home. He told me we are no longer together but still shares daily relationship-like activities with me. When I reacted to all of this and basically had a break down, he consoled me and treated me as though we were together. Every day is different and I am so lost..What can I do to get the man I fell for back? He wont agree to seeking help for depression so now what?

the poor one

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I am 27 and almost two years ago I quit my full time (well-paying) office job to go back to school and become a nurse.

I worked part time throughout school but obviously I wasn’t making anything substantial.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years, he pays the bills, has to buy the groceries and pays for all the little extras and I can tell he is getting very frustrated.

He had money saved up and he is in a great position, but it kills me knowing he is dipping into his savings to support me. Not to mention it has lowered my self esteem completely to ask him for money when I need it. I was used to being self sufficient.

It has put a lot of stress on our relationship and the worst part is he isn’t very good at talking about his feelings so I think he keeps it all bottled up and when I do need money he now starts to get really frustrated when I ask which makes me feel so guilty and terrible. Since its summer I have started working 4x per week and am trying to find a second job but in september we are back to this.

I have one more year of school left and I will graduate summer of 2016… we just have to hold on.

Until then, I try to do as much housework as possible, I try to cook for him and I constantly remind him how much I love him and appreciate him.

Miss I

May 8th, 2015 at
9:04 AM

I’m at my breaking point, my boyfriend left a good paying job with solid benefits due to manager harrassment, last May. He took a serious underemployment position and told me I might need to get a job, I’ve picked up odds and ends ( I can’t work full time due to a lung disability) and gone to school full time. He has applied for six jobs in that year SIX!!! he always has an excuse, I can’t apply from my phone, I need to wait to talk to my supervisor to get a reference, I am anxious cause I really wanted the last job and failed at it… I have always been the follow you’re dreams we will make it work girlfriend, especially cause I’m studying to be a lawyer and he was suppose to carry us till I graduated. But he hasn’t, and he isn’t. During our last big fight about it I told him that he had to have a real sustaining job in the next six months or I was leaving, then I started sobbing because he made me give him an ultimatum he made me into the kind of woman I never wanted to be. Yet he still hasn’t applied for a job.
The hardest part is he had two cats when we got together and they’ve slowly also become my cats, I could never leave them…and I think he knows that. Even thinking of leaving them now has me in tears…
What do I do???

Delta

Jessica

August 3rd, 2016 at
9:04 PM

Neither is she, honestly.

H3va

May 10th, 2015 at
9:38 AM

There is a big gap between my boyfriend and me. A 15 year age gap. Never bothers me or him… I think. We’ve been together 2 and a half years. He’s been in and out of jobs since we’ve been together and his longest was 3 months part time. I’m still studying in college as well as holding down a partime job. He is at home every day. He has a son from a previous relationship. He stays with us on the weekends. I had to bail him out of his debts a year ago. Around £6000. I feel like I pay for everything and he nothing. He’s waiting to hear about a job. Was supposed to start 3 weeks ago. But they messed him around. He has no money whilst waiting to hear from them and I’m having to pay for all the bills with my money/savings. I feel like nothing is ever changing. I thought by this point in our relationship we would have changed or evolved. I nearly left a month a go. He told me to give him a month for things to get better. I have and it’s worse now than it was then. I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I just feel tired
I wish I could be taken care of and supported for once. I don’t know whether that’s ever going to happen. I always hoped it would. I’ve told myself this for 2 years and I don’t know if I can keep doing it anymore. I don’t think things are ever.going to change. He says he feels bad for how things are. But I don’t feel like there is an urgency with him.to.try and make things change. He just thinks everything will come to him I feel :/

Mickarther

May 15th, 2015 at
9:14 AM

Boy, has society got all women buffaloed. If a MAN is out of work for YEARS, it means he doesn’t really want a job and is pretty much just enjoying the freebie as long as you will allow it. Holy Crap Ladies! Get a clue. I know I will get flack for this, but I just can’t believe what men these days are expecting of their wives. Boy have times changed…and not for the better for women. Are these out of work for years men cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, getting the groceries, taking cars in for repairs, dealing with ANY and ALL issues having to do with home, raising the kids, going to their school functions, helping them with homework, etc…etc..etc..? This was the job women had. It never ended…thus the saying, “a man works from sun to sun, a woman’s work is never done.” If your man,or husband has not taken on these things while unemployed and you are employed, then he is milking the freedom he is experiencing, and at YOUR expense. I am mostly referring to the men who have been out of work for years, not just a few months. Flip some burgers for a while dudes! Get off your as*! Support your wife and kids as it should be!
And to boot, I’m seeing men on this board complaining that their women are not working! IF she is out of work and is taking on the role of work that women usually do, then SHE IS WORKING! If not, she is lazy and not being a good wife to her husband who IS working. OMG, this society and this generation is f****d up! Go away and blast me…I don’t care. Just speaking the truth.

Valerie

May 19th, 2015 at
9:43 AM

I fell in love with my boyfriend when we were just two kids in college workin part time jobs. I graduated in May 2014 and we started dating shortly after. I found a job in my field right away (I actually started working before I even took my final exams.) My boyfriend graduated the following semester in December 2014. He had this crazy idea to sell everything and go to Japan and try to make his way back home. It was a dumb idea and I told him that. It broke my heart but he went ahead with his plans. He ended up missing a flight and ended up back home in two weeks with nothing but a backpack and nowhere to go but back to his parents. It has been five months and he is still unemployed. He recently left a sales job he was struggling with. It doesn’t bother me that he’s not working because I know for a fact that he is trying. It’s just draining on me. I feel sometimes like I’m his only solace. I’m 24 and I’m the baby of my family so I’m used to being taken care of but now I’m having to take care of a 27 year old and I feel in over my head. I wouldn’t break up with him over this because money is not everything to me, but I’m honestly afraid that he’ll jut pick up and leave again feeling like he has nothing to stay in town for. He got TEFL certified and is looking for jobs in South Korea and I am working on my certification but it’s so hard to do my coursework when I have a full time job. This is my first time really in an adult relationship but it doesn’t feel like it and I’m just really exhausted. I love him so much, I truly feel he is the one but I am just trying my best to power through and be good to him and have as much faith in God’s plan as I can. Any advice on how to cope? I am open to input.

Alyssa

June 10th, 2015 at
4:00 PM

I am actually in the same situation minus the need to travel, sort of. Been with my boyfriend for 5 years now we’re planning on getting married but I can’t even imagine how hell be afterwards. To start with I have never really seen him work hard before but hes had reasons. He has anxiety, he been through many health issues (serious) and made a 100% recovery. I thought once the recovery happens and he gradYates with his degree he’d be motivated and do something with his time. He keeps saying hes looking for jobs but we share an email account and there is no email trail and every time he goes on an interview (I get a call from my contacts saying he blew it). I am putting out my name for him and he’s making a joke of it. He keeps saying he wants a job, but without any results I don’t trust him or believe him.

I am just the opposite and younger than him but really hardworking. I am my career is my life type and I wouldn’t even mind if he wanted to only work part time and be a stay at home dad type. My problem is he won’t decide and he won’t discuss. He won’t do anything. There has to be some movement in life other than: quitting drinking which he has done. I think I have known for a while now this realtionship won’t work but that’s a terrifying leap to make especially with a man who won’t even talk. Not to mention he refuses to leave the home we share.

kimberly

May 19th, 2015 at
3:58 PM

five years ago my boyfriend voluntarily quit his 6 figure job in the technical field. I met him four years ago at which time he said he was starting to look for work after a year vacation and selling assets (toys) to avoid dipping into his 200k retirement. Fast forward to present day, still no job, works 15 hours a week bartending at his friends restaurant and has 16k left in his retirement. I’ve watched him waste his life smoking pot with his well-off friends, first only casually at parties, then daily, and has now included alcoholism. I do not support him; however, I have watched him waste his time and life for 4 years with every excuse in the book why he’s not employed. I’ve watched his closest friends from college stop inviting or including him to activities/vacations as he has not been able afford it. He’s 45 years old. His parents have talked with my about his lack of work and I’ve eloquently defended him and have expressed his lack of motivation due to depression (partly true, but mostly he’s an addict). His family is unaware of the severity of his addictions. As he’s been out of his profession for so long, it’s doubtful he’ll be rehired in the same profession, much less at the same salary. what has been the hardest to watch, is his lack of incentive or ambition, and now his fits of rage and defensiveness about the realities of his situation. He owns his own home, but he will lose it if he doesn’t find gainful employment soon. His brother in law, a hard working man, recently offered him a job which he declined. His excuse? Too long of a commute and he can find better paying employment closer to home! I am in disbelief. A full time job handed to him and he declines. As for how this has impacted me: I am growing very resentful and embarrassed at his lack of ambition, we fight all the time, almost daily, and I’ve gained weight and stopped taking care of myself. I am allowing his frustration and anger to affect how I treat and feel about myself. Everytime we fight, he avoids taking responsibility for his part in pretty much everything, deflects things onto me to take the focus off him and blames me for his retirement being depleted (he hasn’t given me a dime nor spent any of it on supporting me). I have become depressed myself due to the weight gain, watching him waste his life and my choice to waste my own by sticking by him through all this. Almost daily his depression and frustration is taken out on me – the days we don’t fight, he’s too high or drunk to care to fight. And all this is hidden from his family who cares for him deeply. I very much want to tell them the severity of the situation, but he’s asked I don’t. Everyday is becoming harder and harder for both of us. I am losing respect for him and I’ve become more assertive in the relationship. I stress out each day that passes that he doesn’t look for work. He has no children and we are not married and I’m realizing he may be a bachelor for reasons more complicated than I first imagined. Oftentimes he lives in the past, talking about his college and bachelor days with his buddies, all of whom are now married with children and active lives of their own which no longer include activities with him. What can I do????

Anna

kitty

April 24th, 2017 at
6:43 AM

My partner has worked a total of 8 months in 4 years of being together, whenever I bring work up I get same reply anger and mood and I’m throwing the fact I can get work due to my qualifications in his face. We have a 2 year old together and he does look after him abit but its still me that does everything, if I ask more than once I’m nagging so I just end up doing it, he is supportive of my ptsd but sometimes I feel like im drowning doing everything and i have to push my self being the breadwinner. I don’t mind work I’ve worked since I was 17 but this resentment of him not working or doing anything at home and saying he is tired is like a broken record that I want to break sometimes I feel like i am just with him cause of our son other days I love him . It is soooo.difficult the bad days I self harm just to get some release.

Scooter

October 9th, 2019 at
11:56 PM

Did this “man” ever mature mentally and emotionally beyond the age of 18 to 20? How did he even graduate from college?
I hope that you are in a better place now, physically, emotionally, or relational, either with or without him.

DPC

May 21st, 2015 at
8:40 PM

I have been out of work since September 2014 (8 months). I am a senior learning and training manager who has spent most of my 15 years working in the college/university sector. During the last 8 months I have secured 3 PT teaching contracts and together with my government unemployment check (Canada) I am able to pay all bills. My wife continues to work FT, ironically, as an Employment Counsellor at a local college. She has indicated that the 8 months without FT work has been too much on her and has caused her too much stress to the point where she cannot live with someone who has lost his confidence and cannot seem to find a job. Without a doubt, unemployment does eat at your confidence. I challenge anyone to say it doesn’t. However, another part of the confidence stems from the support you have from your partner. Usually, you just need someone who is there to listen. However,I I have been identified by my wife as the main contributor of stress in her life, something she cannot endure any longer. Despite coming close, I have not yet secured a FT job, for no lack of trying. I am now networking through LinkedIn, seeking out information interviews with executive managers, attending networking events in town, and continually applying for advertized jobs.We have not had to dip into any of our savings. Miraculously, we have no debt other than our car loans which we are able to pay each month. Still, she is suggesting a “Trial Separation” whereby I would leave, allow her to live under a stress-free home, and go off and find myself, a job, confidence, etc. What happens then and the details around this are still up in the air. I have no idea what purpose this will serve. This article clearly points to the effect unemployment will have on both partners, but it also points to the need to ensure both partners are looking after their mental, physical, spiritual, and relationship states. I don’t see separating as part of how you take care of the relationship state. I think there is more at play here and a lack of understanding of what love is and how it is displayed during the better or worse moments of life. Any thoughts?

Anna

June 20th, 2015 at
7:56 PM

In my situation me the girlfriend…unemployed for three months. My boyfriend can’t handle it he’s ready to break up….he’s tired of being broke. Sometimes I think these type of situations let you know what type of partner You have. someone who is in it to win it or just a fair weather paether!

Lucy

May 26th, 2015 at
10:25 AM

I posted on here for the first time in 2012 when I had already been supporting my boyfriend for about a year. He’s had a few months here n there of part time employment but has not been able to contribute equally to his half of the bills and rent for all this time. He has not had even 1 interview in the last 2 yrs at least and because I know not one person who has been unable to attain a job or at the very least an interview in that time period I am wondering now if I am being taken for a ride. My family and friends clearly think so and it is depressing having to defend what I’m now doubting myself. We increasingly fight and I have turned into a caustic nag seething with stress and resentment. I am now in debt and had to take on a second job totalling 70hrs some weeks not including long travelling time to work. I turn to drink at times and that’s when we have awful screaming fights born of massive frustration and unhappiness. Now all it takes is me walking through the door at the end of a long hard day to the sight of him playing games of the dishes not yet done to set me off like a screaming banshee. I don’t like how I’m treatinghim, how were growing apart or who I’m turning into. I have been with this man for 11 years and initially felt that the right thing to do was be patiently supportive but I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. If anyone feels the same and wants to talk I’d be happy to

kelsey

June 9th, 2015 at
5:14 PM

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend has had 2 jobs in the year and a half we’ve been together. He got fired from the first, and the one he currently has is minimum wage. This doesn’t sound horrible until you consider the fact that he owes over $5,000.00 in child support (for 2 different moms, 2 kids), thousands in unpaid medical bills, repossessed homes, unpaid lease terminations, car payments, phone bills, utility bills, lawyer fees, I mean the list is endless. On top of that he pays ZERO bills in MY house, and I say my house because his name isn’t on anything. I pay for everything, from car insurance to groceries, to phone, rent, utility, gas, his child support occassionally. All while supporting myself and my son solely, with no government assistance or child support. My boyfriend is 29, I’m 23. I sort out EVERYTHING for him, I have to remind him when his court dates are, when he has his daughter for summer visitation, when he needs to get her enrolled in camp, I wrote his resume, looked up job openings for him, I mean literally everything. When I tell him I’m started to resent him for all this he starts this crying crazy panicky, “I’m a piece of shit, I’m afraid you’re going to leave me, I’ll try harder.” Spiel that I’ve heard a thousand times. If I kick him out I know he has no where to go, but I’m sick of supporting someone who not only doesn’t try to better themselves but doesn’t appreciate how hard I work to take care of my family. I don’t know what to do.

Delta

September 5th, 2015 at
8:36 AM

Kick him out dear ASAP.

Scooter

October 10th, 2019 at
12:02 AM

You have been a tremendous blessing to him, but he has been quite a burden to you. I do not see that you will receive any benefit from this relationship, only exhaustion. No love, he must go. It is your home that you inhabit and your live that you must optimise for yourself and those that want to actively contribute to it.

Christina

May 28th, 2015 at
5:13 AM

I recently had a baby and now I cannot work due to the fact my son refuses to take a bottle he wont even let it in his mouth for a second. Ive tried everything to get him to take it but he wont. On top of that i dont have anyone who can watch him nor can i afford a daycare for him to go to. This has resulted in my boyfriend having to work two jobs and only getting 2 hours of sleep just to go right back at it again the next day. We only have one car and are trying to get back on our feet. Its putting a strain on our relationship and I try to be encourging and supportive and do what I can at home and take care of our son but he still seems to be pulling away. If I could go back to work I would but the situation im in with not having a car and having to make sure my son is properly cared for is standing in the way. How do I show support and encouragement to my boyfriend without him resenting me in the end?

Sarah

May 28th, 2015 at
12:19 PM

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, but only married for 2, and I feel at the end of my rope – again. We had a baby a year ago and he is also a great stepdad to my child from a previous marriage that was very short. My husband works periodically, he’ll go for a few months or 8 at the most and then he’ll get laid off. Sometimes it’s due to work shortage but a lot of the time he hates the job and skips days over and over til they finally let him go. And then has the nerve to act outraged, as if the layoff was unfair. He likes the work itself (it’s a trade) but hates the people, bureaucracy, being told what to do by a less-experienced guy who is the foreman’s lackey, rude guys, dirty port-o-lets, you name it. The drive there and back, paying for parking…it’s an endless list of complaints that I’ve had to listen to over the years, but he lived with his parents until halfway into our relationship, rent-free, and had EVERY opportunity to go to school, start a new career, etc. Well, now we have two kids, rent a basement apartment, and most months live hand-to-mouth, because not only can he manage to work all year, he is crappy with his money too, and I make less but usually end up contributing more. Since we’ve lived together I’ve paid every single one of his cell phone bills, his half of rent or utilities when he’s broke…yet he would have money to buy beer or cigarettes. He does contribute SOME things, and he does love the kids. He does yard work and he’s not a stranger to cooking a meal or doing laundry. But when I’m the only one working for months on end, and I come home to a huge mountain of laundry that hasn’t budged and he’s sipping a beer watching the hockey game, I want to scream. He sleeps on the couch most nights, is overall pretty disinterested in sex – so I don’t even get that – and there’s no money for us to go out, getting a babysitter and all…so the only one who ever gets to go out is him. What a rant, I know, but I feel so full of disappointment, sh*t or get off the pot. I’m tired of him bigging up every small thing he does, and quietly letting me carry the weight so many times and not even acknowledging me. I wish I could break up, at least I’d get every other weekend to do something for myself, and wouldn’t have to come home and look at him and feel the empty, defeated way that I do, but I need him to watch the kids so I can go out and make us money. How sad is that. And I don’t want the kids to grow up without a dad. It’s like half a life. Thank god I like my job.

Robyn

July 7th, 2015 at
1:03 AM

I know exactly how u feel..sounds like me talking..funny how when we read someone else’s words we see the situation clearly like there’s a simple solution but very different when it’s you in the situation..i think there comes a time when they either shape up or u ship out..everyone has their limits! X

Tired

June 1st, 2015 at
11:29 PM

I have worked at a part time job for 6 years. Note: I just returned after I was fired almost two years ago for nothing on my part. I was rehired before thanksgiving. Plus, I still make the same pay since I started, which is near minimum wage. I still want a true job. I been enrolled in school.

casey g

David a

June 7th, 2015 at
9:45 PM

Most of these stories make me sick to my stomach. The majority of women have turned into heartless, money grubbing, self entitled! Even the women in my family agree. Reminds me of my ex who I just broke up with. This little girl said over and over “money doesn’t matter, everything else does…” So, I quit my daily grind job to take care of my dying Momma, and haven’t been able to find proper work/proper pay since. I saved enough money to last me just over 5 years, and have family help if needed which I don’t take. I pay 2/3 of the rent and cable/internet, she pays the very minimal utilities. I gave up the 1 parking spot we have even though my car (mine fully paid for) is nicer, buy 9/10 of the groceries, cook ALL the food (seriously) 4-5 times a week. GOOD FOOD too. I wanted to be a chef for years. I rub her to sleep every night, due to a car accident and constant pain. I do ALL the cleaning, dishes, vacuuming, everything! I write music, I paint, i excersize, I volunteer my extra time, I pay for most dates…so one day she says “I think we need to talk about you not having a job…it’s unattractive and I don’t know if I can go on…”despite the fact that I can’t get a proper job because we live and are stuck in south LA, because she doesn’t want to leave and be away from her parents! So, here I am, sacrificing my time to make this work, giving my all, and get threatened with my heart because deep down, beyond EVERYTHING ELSE, having a job is all that matters I guess… Not the persons heart, mind, body, time, soul, energy, care, or anything my parents led me to believe truly matter Real classy. Where’s a real woman with a heart for little ole me!?

Jane

August 17th, 2015 at
10:17 PM

David, I think for most women with long-term unemployed spouses it’s not about being “money-grubbing” at all. It’s unfortunate your mother was sick and you had to quit work to take care of her, but that’s not the case with everyone. My boyfriend who I have lived with for 4 years decided after he was fired from his last job that he was just going to give up. It’s been over a year and he hasn’t even bothered looking for a job. I tried to be supportive because I know he has anxiety issues (and possibly bipolar disorder like his mom but he refuses to see a doctor) but as our rent increases and expenses go up (I recently had to get trade in my car for something more reliable) I find it harder to maintain this household on my own. His mother is sending me money to help pay bills each month but she shouldn’t have to. We’re almost 30 years old. He’s perfectly capable of working, and regardless of his reasons (depression, laziness, etc) I cannot continue to carry the burden alone while he sleeps in all day, stays all night and barely lifts a finger to help with any chores. It’s not fair to me. I have tried in many ways to get him to understand and to help him find work but he refuses. I don’t need him to provide for me so I can quit working, or to buy me lavish things. I just need him to help me to alleviate some of the stress of barely breaking even each paycheck. He’s not taking care of a sick mother, or disabled or injured. I suspect as does his aunt who works in a mental healthcare facility that he may have bipolar disorder but like I said we can’t get him to go see a doctor. And it’s hard to just give up on someone when you love them which is why I’ve stuck around.

Crystal

June 9th, 2015 at
12:22 AM

Hi, David,

I feel most of the women in this blog complained for their unemployed partner is for :

1. The unemployed partner not support enough at house chores or even not bother to do anything.
2. The women struggles in financial even they work very hard and long hours everyday.
3. When they enter into relationship, they do not expect their partner not working for long time.
4. The pain that they can not leave their partner due to
tied up in the relationship or family.

To me, their complains sound reasonable. It not just about money, it is about the unemployed partner’s attitude. When a male partner become long term unemployed a lot of them become lay back and negative.
Your stories seems different from the partners these women complained.
I also feel how you hurt from your relationship. Maybe your ex is not the right person for you. Every key should find the right key hole for themselves otherwise the lock will not open. In addition, I think relationship is not a legal proceeding, where you find guilty you will be punished. The only thing you can do if you partner behievour is not accepted and not able to change after in dept discussions. The best way is to leave them alone. Anyhow I hope you find a right person soon.

Mickarther

June 10th, 2015 at
9:25 AM

Kelsey, kick him out. He’ll survive…he’s not a child. After only a year and a half of being together, this man is not going to bring you any happiness. I understand you have feelings for him and want to try to be understanding, but I don’t think…in fact I’m quite sure it will never get any better for you. Your post points out his past irresponsibility quite plainly. It never gets better! If you marry him, it will possibly only get worse. You have a son and he comes first. Your sanity and peace of mind should come in second to be able to take care of yourself and your child the best you can. It certainly doesn’t sound like he contributes that much anyway. Do yourself a favor. It seems you’re making it on your own anyway. You’re young…you’ll meet the right person eventually.

David,
Sorry, but you’re just way off base here. As Crystal pointed out to you. You are not comprehending what these women are posting… apparently.

Robin

June 22nd, 2015 at
7:32 PM

I am back to update my previous post (#76). My grandparent died early part of February. My husband since has gotten a 1 day a week job that pays salary (not much) and he doesn’t seem to care that we are living in someone else’s home , just waiting on eviction. I could go live with my mom but that situation isn’t for me. There would be no other option if we were thrown out, other than maybe living in a hotel but we have 3 dogs, 1 of which is an outside dog. I am on vacation this week and I plan on dragging him to companies to apply for jobs. I know men on here seem to think we are all just whiny women that just want money. If I wanted money, I would’ve kicked him out 8+ years ago when he left his job. I love him or else I wouldn’t have been so patient. This has been an almost 10 year struggle. I just want some of the burden of bill paying and eating and daily living to be shared with the other half of the relationship bearer. I don’t want a cush life, I just want to have less struggle. Trust me, when I say I don’t mind to continue to live in a cinder-block house and drive a 90’s model junker. I don’t care because I can’t take it with me when I go. It’s all just stuff. I just need a roof, a way to go and something to eat, while I’m here.

Ayesha

June 24th, 2015 at
10:26 AM

I believe i’m not the only one facing this problem here.. I know my husband for 5 years and i’m married to him for 2 years.. fortunately we have no child and i’m really grateful 2 god for this… since i’m married my husband has quit his job where he was earning quite good and good expense for himself.. i’m a manager in an insurance company and now it has become really difficult for me 2 live with this man though it was a love marriage.. my husband just sit at home all day and watch tv… he does nothing..when i’m back home in the evening, i have 2 cook, wash dishes, wash cloth and ironing.. though i have a good job but now it has become realllllllllyyyyyyy dificult to live with him.. everyday he ask money for his needs.. and if i don’t give him, he just steal it from my purse when i’m sleeping.. I want 2 have an advice whether i should continue 2 live with him or just leave him… if 2 days i don’t go 2 work i’m bored at home but he.. he don’t go 2 work for TWO years… any1 there for a good advice?

userunavailable

September 6th, 2015 at
6:39 AM

Your marriage will definitely continue to deteriorate if things continue this way. Your husband, like some of the others talked about here, is not just suffering a temporary difficulty finding work. He is simply not even trying to find a job, he doesn’t want to work. It will continue, as long as you enable him to keep doing nothing. As awful as it is, you’ll most likely have to resort to an ultimatum in order to get him motivated to do anything. You may need to give him a timeframe, say 90 days, to either be working, or you will leave and no longer support him financially. You will have to stick to your word and leave in 90 days if he still won’t work… Because clearly that means he doesn’t really love or respect you at all.
As for the stealing from your purse, simply don’t keep cash around. Either keep it in the bank, or hidden in a safe place at home where he won’t find it. Keep it physically on you at all times and while you sleep, if necessary. If he needs something, tell him you’ll buy it for him but don’t keep giving him spending cash while he refuses to contribute at all.
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like he has any respect or love for you… It really just seems as if, to him, you’re simply his supporter and money source.
I’m truly sorry you’re going through this.

Kristina

July 3rd, 2015 at
5:17 AM

I’m completely at a lost anymore. I’ve been with my husband for 22 almost 23 yrs, have a 20yr old son, 15 almost 16yr old son & a 12 yr old daughter together. We have been together over half my life as well as his. I am 38 he is 40(41 in sept). He has always worked all the overtime n hours he possibly can to give myself n our kids everything we want & need. I also worked until i had a horrible crush injury to my ankle n both bones in my leg which led to permanent social security disability income. He began drinking 12 yrs or so ago and had an accident that led him to his death,thankfully he came out of the coma and was sober for 3.5yrs. Then was laid of from his job and the drinking slowly began again & this time came back worse then ever! He ran out his unemployment benefits n @1st looked for work but slowly the looking came to a halt. My disability was enough to cover rent & another small bill.causing us to lose our house n live with relatives which didn’t last long thanks to his heavy drinking. A lifelong friend of mine allowed us to stay with her n her family till we got on our feet, the drinking was not allowed & he was well aware of that. He was also aware that we nor his kids had any other place in the world to live aside from a drug infested filthy shelter. He chose to drink anyway for days in a row until either he left n put himself into rehab, which he clearly needed or we all had to leave. He chose to live on the streets eventually staying with his sister then ultimately admitting himself into a detox/psych ward where he met another addict coming off methadone. Once released, i already knew there was something going on between him n the girl. But he lived with a mutual friend & i found out that he was continuing to see her building from an emotional affair to a sexual one. Eventually we moved in together again n i found out he in fact had not ended the affair but was using my car to see her even having sex in my car. When i caught them it became physical with me n the female causing him to end their affair. Since then nothing, down to our sex is the same. I saw the loving compliments he said to her and the way he tore me down in comparison to her in his msgs to her. She later also sent me every msg he had sent her n gave me great detail of the things he did n would say to her. He swears he meant none of it, but he isn’t the type of man to say things on that emotional level unless he means it. Its been months since they ended it and i cant help but feel that he is only with me for security reasons n not because i’m the one he really wanted if gave the choice. I know all men say s*** to the other females for obvious reasons when cheating but this was different then the other times hes cheated. He wont look for work or try to get a job, we r still living with friends like we r teenagers, as if he could careless, knowing that like always, somehow someway i will fix our problems n i cant with out the help of another income this time. I do love him. But feel like i’m a doormat that he is using till something else comes along. I try talking to him so i can understand how he can choose to put all that effort into a female who meant nothing instead of fixing himself then his family. I know if he truly loved me, there would b no chance of another female coming in the picture. He says he worked for 20yrs i can support him for a while. What happened to the hardworking man i married? What changed? And where do i go from here??

userunavailable

September 6th, 2015 at
5:53 AM

This is not just a problem with unemployment, it’s a full-blown mental health issue. Your husband sounds almost like he has manic episodes, with the affair and addiction and the timing with it all. Unfortunately this is something I’ve seen happen in rehabs with inappropriate relationships while in detox, as a coping mechanism. It’s unhealthy and he absolutely needs to see a psychiatrist. This entire scenario is indicative of a mental health breakdown, and the unemployment is just another side effect. It won’t simply resolve and go away, he truly needs to see a mental health doctor. Many states offer behavioral health care for free or on a sliding scale based on your income. You can just search “free behavioral health care” in your state on Google. Call and set an intake appointment for him asap. He needs it badly. I can tell you from experience, your marriage and entire life will crumble down to nothing if you don’t either seek help for him, or cut off the relationship completely- which you may have to do in order to motivate him to fix himself. While you support him, he has no reason to change. I wish you all the best, my heart goes out to you.

ambi

July 12th, 2015 at
5:03 AM

It’s good to find a blog on partners of the unemployed.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We are both 30. We have 2 amazing children aged 9 and 5. We basically all just grew up together. We have worked so hard and both have degrees and even managed to buy a home for ourselves.
My husband has worked full time for 2 years of the time we have been together.
I have worked full time supporting us, even with our children’s births.
My husband is caring and kind. He lacks initiative with things around the home but after a bit of reminding and prompting things get done. I cook meals and do dishes etc most nights after coming home.
My husband tries hard to find work and with 2 degrees we hope he finds work soon.
It’s been 5 years since he last worked.
I am so tired and sad that we are barely managing despite mh good income. I wish I could enrol my son in a sporting team, but I cannot afford the fees. So I take him walking and we play at the park. I wish I could enroll my daughter in dancing as she loves to move and wiggle to music but the fees are beyond our budget. I wish I could have my hair washed and cut but I may not pay the rates if I do, so I wash it myself and let it grow.
Friends and my husbands family tell me to be patient and encouraging. To love unconditionally. Yet I have little left and pray god helpsemeet finds courage and strength and resolve to keep hope for my husband and our family… for him to finally get work. But all I really feel is resentful. Loss. Hurt. Tired. Hopeless. Angry. Disillusioned. I just want people to understand, that I have a job and all of my income goes to support him and my children. I am not okay with this after 5 years. I don’t chose to do those for another 5 year’s and he has to champion himself, because I can only just champion me.

Delta

September 5th, 2015 at
8:31 AM

I can totally relate how you feel! My husband has not worked since the birth of our second child and that was 8 years ago! On 2013 he had a brief job about 5 months and got laid off again! I am thoroughly exhausted! I do not know how much longer I can hold on….I am thinking of divorce almost everyday! If only my second boy didn’t love him as much, I would have had a divorce long time ago!

Nina

July 14th, 2015 at
9:49 PM

I need help to convince – or at least show – my mother that she is in this situation. I tried to talk to her, but she really doesn’t listen when I try to talk about him and his lack of work and his crap and it’s starting to affect the way we live.
I think she’s dissatisfied with the situation and she’s pissed off and angry and snapping all the time, and we’re having a hard time with money. I have a job and give here like some money that she uses for groceries. It’s not much, but she won’t take more and she snaps if I offer.
He’s a slacker and useless and doesn’t help around the house and he drives me crazy. I never liked him, but this is different, she pays everything herself from rent to bills to groceries.
I’m currently living with her, but if it wasn’t for my job I’d move in with my grandparents. They live in another city, but because of my job I can’t go, especially since it’s a great job and I’ll have no guarantee that I’ll ever find something as great.
Sorry, I’m getting off topic. If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it, because it’s coming to a point where just the sight of him makes me angry, and especially the way my mother lets him run over her and all that. Please help!

kumar

To all who have wrote or read. I was just googl eing the things……..how people feel when mens lost their jobs.

I lost my job few months back but did not get new one till now……almost money is finished. Staying in rented apartment.

Had not even couraged to tell my parents and wife that I am without job these days. My question to all the peoples……mens and womens that is job and money is the only thing…?

Actually……yes we all says that we love are children’s and spouse……..but it not correct, we all are binded due to some social reasons. The love was only some movement which has passed. Now I know the movement I will tell my wife about my job she will mad on me…..and may be she can start crying / shouting on me and my parents.

I remember till few monyhs I have bought her every thing ehich she has liked.
Even being a housewife she was not in mood of cooking dinner ……. every week almost we gave dined out. Have purchased every new dress she has liked irrespective of price. I loved him lot.

But I know her if I told her that I lost my job then she could do anything.

Barbara

July 23rd, 2015 at
5:55 PM

I was on the opposite end. I lost my job, deemed wrongful termination by the state. I search for 2 years, nothing. Everything from overqualified or skills not current. Decided to go back to school since spouse had a good job and agreed. Then it started the lack of support, the belittling, the name calling. I finally found a job in another state, discussed it with him and he agreed to me going. Go to new job and immediately started accusing me of having an affair, wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce. I finally called it quits and told him to file. I live off nothing now. Still no work and as I age, do not see any hope. SO while all think the spouse are supportive of their spouse that looses a job. They are not.

loosinghope

August 7th, 2015 at
9:18 AM

Yes I’m in the boat with other women. I’m the one that list the job due to seizures. Now I’ve been threatened with divorce and he has become emotionally and physically abusive. Yes after all this I an praying for a breakthrough from God. I am getting away from this man. FYI the law won’t help women. Tried several times!

Ari says

August 1st, 2015 at
4:03 AM

Hello everone….. I am from shillong. When i was in class 6 in some accident i became a hearing imparied i have lost the ability to hear from my right ear. I can’t hear any sound from my rite hear. I was good student in school but after that due to my hearing problems i was unable to make a good out put in my 10th and 12th i found many difficulties in my path i have never given up. I got only 48% in both 10th and 12th marks its really bad i know it. But fighting all the way i have completed my MCA with some good marks at the end and was trying to get a govt job though i know it very well for my past 48% marks in 10th and 12th i will never get a good job in private sector. But in govt sector i have little hope. I am trying really hard but still i am not getting a job even in govt sector. In the mean time i feel in love with a girl and we were in relationship the girl don’t have any hearing problem or something. But her parent’s said that due to my hearing problem they can’t agree to this relationship and fixed her marriage with someone else. But i have really loved that girl . i was very hurted myself. But i tried to be strong, i have let it go and o have thought she was never mine but i could not forget her. And i have continued to work hard for the job to do something for my parents. I have passed my MCA on 2013 but still not getting a job. My mom tell me now that he have tp hear lots of rubbish things from dad because of me because i am not having a job. I feel very bad in this and i am going into depression don’t know what to do when mom tell me this . i don’t want my mom to get scolding from me because of my dad. I don’t know what to say her i am going into a very bad depression now. I feel like committing suicide. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know.

Kim

August 5th, 2015 at
9:31 PM

Please do not lose hope! I know the depression and anxiety that can come from not having a job and the guikt others place on you. But life is more than just working. And YOUR life is very precious!!!! Please do not do anything to hutt yourself!!! It is not the answer!!! Find something, a hobby, volunteer doing something that makes YOU happy and things will start to look better, I promise! Start one day at a time. Life is worth living sweetheart!!!! Peace be with you ❤

Lucy

August 10th, 2015 at
8:44 AM

Would anyone feel like swapping email? I’ve posted several times over the last few years and am in the same situation. I still love him but its changing. Haven’t been intimate in months and only go 2 days max without a big fight. During a row recently I told him to leave,wasn’t really sure I meant it as what I really want is a change in attitude and a job, but he refused and I know he has nowhere and no one to go to. Feel lost.

My situation was similar. He had not worked for seven years. I would tell him I would call the police and he would threaten me. I walked out. Got a restraining order 8 months ago. Filing for a divorce. When a woman’s fed up that’s it.

Sher

December 22nd, 2015 at
8:09 PM

If your still looking to swap ,, here’s mine. I’m hoping your situation is moving along sanely ,, I’ve got a long term underemployed /unemployed husband ,, total 20 years dealing with it but the last 16 have been awful ,, neither of us are happy and extra money is not avail ,, we share a car too ,, I work and he struggles, complains about the world and me. I started getting vocal the last 3 years ,, just done and yup that makes me a bitch in his book ,, if I say anything about him not working , keeping work ,, somehow it’s all my fault for not helping him with resumes and job searches.. I cook and clean and critiqued for all I do ,, my house is a construction zone with about 10 projects not completed,, there’s some hope he may get done training but he doesn’t get along well with the other animals .. It’s 10 weeks and he’ll have to play nice , not fight or insult others.. I’ve worked thru surgeries and injuries and raised a child ,, I’m really done and want to be free if him ,, he says if he completes training and gets work we will split ,, how ironic ,, if he has an income it will be time for him to go ,, of course ! If it gives me my life and sanity back I’m fine with it.. I’ve lived off of peanut butter sandwiches for lunch at work for 3 years now .. this isn’t the America I grew up in ,, life really sucks !

Sher

Sher

December 22nd, 2015 at
8:10 PM

Sorry if you want to talk my email should have been sent to you,, i feel your pain ,,

anickh

August 13th, 2015 at
5:14 PM

Wow. So helpful to know im not alone. Ive been feeling suicidle lately. The stress is getting to be way too much. When I first had him move in with me, he had from what he said, always been working a full time job at Honda. My apartment was better than his, closer to my work, and I was on a contract so we chose to have him move in with me. Biggest mistake I EVER made. The week after he moved in, he got fired from Honda. Its been 4 months and so far he has been hired and fired 7 times already. I work a full time high sallary job and each week he starts a new job, I dread his any-minute “im-fired” phone call where I have to leave my work and go pick him up and take him home all so he can sit on his ass once again, watching TV, and snorring while I work my ass off 40 hours a week. Just like Chris said, its so frustrating getting up early for work while every day he just sleeps in till noon and then how Maggie says, allways complians about how tired he is when he did absolutely nothing all day other than sleep. He at 1st was able to contribute his half 600$/month for rent while I payed for the other600 on top of all the food, utilities, car, gas, etc…. Now its gotten to where he cant even pay his 600. So I am paying for everything. Rent is due in 1 week and he hasnt saved up a dime considering he hasnt worked a day in the last month so I know he wont have his 600 in time. He probablly wont even have 5 dollars. The last 2 weeks, Ive been treathning to kick him out if he doesnt have his rent money. The apartment is in my name, so i know i have every right to kick him to the curb. As hard as it is, i feel its the only thing that will wake him up. Im just feeling too eaxausted to keep this up. Its hard enough paying for even just myslelf. He keeps acting like im so mean for threating this, yet he still doesnt get up and look for a job.. Im getting resentful and angry. He sttill wants sex every night and gets mad if i dont want to but i dont want to because im too upset. Let me know if Im sounding too harsh. Any advice is much appreciated.

The GoodTherapy.org Team

August 13th, 2015 at
8:31 PM

Thank you for your comment, Anickh. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Jay

September 13th, 2015 at
2:16 AM

I read your post, suicide? I am in the same boat kid, lastingwell over 7 years Now. No friggin way you must keep your power. You are experiencing the deep frustration and it sucks that we just cannot get through to them, how their shit is emotionally and physically effecting is. I get replys like oh your so dramatic, f. You. Total bulls*** and it’s important to walk away cool off hit the gym or go out in the car and scream. now that all sounds easy but we both know we end up going toe to toe with the other person.

Not sure what’s goin on with a dude who has had 7 jobs in a short period of time.. If the relationship is fairly new “a couple of years old” you can feel perfectly at ease with asking him to arrange for a friend to live with or a brother , sister or mom dad. It’s takes a couple of years to figure people’s motives out sometimes.

Some people try to play the responsible person but can’t keep it going because deep inside they feel entitled to come and go from a job as they please because mom or dad or another girl will catch him and play house with him. You might be the better upgraded version!

The most important thing to remember is its him, it’s something about his lack of respect for others his employers. If he really gave one ounce of thought to the bills and rent and getting his shit together he would not have run through 7 jobs. You can’t work with dead beats who’ history is unemployment and living off the girl friend and then demanding sex? He gets mad when you tell him to get lost? You are working with a child who needs to find someone as childish as he is. Throw his ass out tell him he had seven shots at keeping you and he purposely created the situation he is trying to train you for the next 25 years.

Your pissed stay pissed and move it to the next level. He has friends he has other girl friends let him go home to mom or? If he is a hot head and you fear violence “call the police” he will be taken out of the apartment and told not to return. Make sure you have a copy of the lease as it stands he is a visitor and has no domicile rights. Then if needed get a restraining order and he will get the message ASAP. You are not an easy target. do you honestly love him and see spending your life with him? Honestly? Is he a good man or a lazy shit who pretends he’s a good man just so you leave him alone, that’s called playing you.

You sound like you got your shit together and only want a smooth happy life! Not a lot to ask for, sounds like this guy came with a lot of drama, and does not want to be a man or he thinks he is something so special that he can get his ass fired from 7 employers. Dump his ass, any guy who truly cared for you and was on the same page is going to work at Walmart and make no bones about it as long as his girl says she respects him and loves him no matter what job he has to take for now. He could come home from the most s***less job joke with you about it and both get a laugh then tomorrow’s a new day and new possibilities.

A guy who really wants this relationship will make the effort.

S****y times like losing a job and roughing it makes for fond memories for a couple later years this all builds character and somewhere down the line he will remind you of the s****y job he took because he knew he needed to work and keep a home for you, and then say he did it because he loved you and did not want to risk losing you.

Now that you know how real men think is he the man for you? You messed up, now you got to fix it and it’s tough because feelings are involved games played and keep reminding yourself of what you deserve and what you want and are able to give In return, the answer will reveal itself and the thought of you hurting yourself because of some guy with two legs a penis and no sense only shows how he has got you right where he wants you. I know from your post there is no love from him because why else would you have a thought of taking yourself out?you are in pain and he fails to elevate his manhood and maybe is looking for a free ride.

When you met this guy if he told you hey, I am always unemployed, my mom or a girlfriend always did my laundry and listened to my s****y stories and cleaned up after me and bailed me out of trouble,”like leaving your job to go pick him up” are you kidding me! This dip s*** is running you like your his mommy come pick me up, I got fired again, the guys at the company looking out the window seeing numb nuts standing out on the street waiting for a ride form his girl, joke. No way would you ever sign up for that if the guy was truthful to you In the first place.

I know this s*** from your partner is embarrassing, insulting and his s*** makes you feel like you did something wrong and you did not!

Sweetie it’s the guy, let’s take it one day at a time and remove him from your life and figure out how he made it past your radar and anytime a guy wants to move in to your apartment Red Flag! That means he is about to be evicted or setting you up to pay his bills.

Now if the man of your dreams invites you to move into his home and says you can redecorate, the you might have something.

bottom line is don’t punish yourself for getting in this dealeo, just reverse course, these are only interactions with fellow human beings, look out your window there are thousands of us. And you are laser focused on one little man with an attitude problem. Clean house go find the guy you really want and take him home and make him part of your life, if it’s meant to be he will go willing down that road.

Promise you won’t damage yourself for a man! Really we are not worth it, next time tell him to get off you and keep going out the door and don’t give him a ride, let his friends come and pick up his s*** once your in the car you again are back in play for the give me one more chance, or I don’t know where I will go, who cares as long as it’s out of you life. Be strong. I can give advice but it’s also hard for me to follow these rules know thyself
Later girl.

Jojo

January 6th, 2019 at
8:05 PM

Jay,
I know this is an old post but I could not help but reply to your comment.
You should be running an advice column.
You are right on the money and can deliver the truth with style and good humor.
Thank you for the truth!

KellyP

August 15th, 2015 at
10:36 AM

Well, I am going through something similar. My husband got sick- turned out to be appendicitis, but it took the docs a year to figure it out. in the meanwhile, my hubby was on FMLA, but wasn’t well enough to go back to work- this was July 2013. Here we are in August 2015 and my hubby can not find a job! He’s trying and applying to anything that could work. But there are so many people looking that he gets turned down for not having the “exact” experience needed or wanted. He was a purchasing manager, has a college degree, 25 years experience, long term in jobs- was in his last job for 12 years. But, now he can’t get a job because he was a “manager” and he is alternately over-qualifed or under-qualified. I am trying to support us with two part-time jobs, but I don’t get health insurance through work. So we are paying close to $800 a month for health insurance and I am earning around $35,000 a year. This pretty much doesn’t leave us a lot to work with- and yes, this is insurance on the healthcare exchange. It’s not affordable at all. I earn too much to qualify for any other kind of help. So, I glue shoes back together. My hubby needs a new pair of shoes- his are 4 year old, but they are special shoes due to a foot issue and cost over $150, so those can’t be replaced until he finds a job. I don’t have anything to really cut- we don’t have cable or cell phones, we don’t go out to eat or see movies,etc. It’s a very lean existence and if this keeps up, we will not be celebrating Christmas this year. We are already not doing birthdays. I feel like people are judging us and wondering what is wrong with my hubby that he can’t find a job. They don’t understand how flooded the market is, how few jobs are open and how picky everyone is being. I tried to switch jobs. I am a CPA, but even I was never even called in for an intervier for a job that matched exactly the experience and qualifications that the job wanted. I am guessing there were too many people. We don’t have a ton of college educated people in our area, but apparently, now that doesn’t help either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Only thing left is to cut my calories down from 1100 a day to 500 and cut a meal a day to save money. I keep gaining weight because I am eating as little as I can and I bet people think we are living high on the hog.

DD

Lesley

August 16th, 2015 at
10:32 AM

Hi
I came across this website not because my partner is lazy or unemployed. I am a woman who has had long term depression and anxiety problems. Their effects and my mindset have led to two marriage breakdowns.
It started in 1989 just after I married . I had viral and emotional problems and extreme overwork. I had a gorgeous husband and I had a well paid job. My depression and anxiety didn’t get properly treated then and mental health was a taboo subject amongst family and friends. So I struggled on. Physical pain ensued after my father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. I now see that I was very ill and also isolated because I was hundreds of miles from family and all my friends were still in the fast lane. I was content with what I had materially – more so than hubby and friends – but always trying to push myself. I worked even although I was ill. I paid my share and in fact didn’t nurture myself. I got big relapses in depression and pain. By 2002 my husband, whom everyone told me adored me, left for another woman who was an American full of ambition and drive (just as I have been before I got sick). I felt guilty because he had always been the main breadwinner. He wondered when it was going to be his turn to be supported but acknowledged I had done my fair share financially ( including spending some of my inheritance to improve our home and pay off part of mortgage). I had become very clingy and dependent and had developed what I didn’t know was called learned helplessness. When I read about many of the man in the letters above, I see that some have slumped into learned helplessness. Sometimes too much support can lead to learned helplessness – it is very difficult to get out of it as you feel so insecure and needy. So he left and I stayed in the house – only by virtue of the fact that I was a saver and not a spender. He had not been a saver and so my own financial canniness actually came back and bit me big time. I was too nice in my divorce settlement and despite having fibromyalgia and rigid muscles, we had more or less an even split. He managed to become unemployed during our break up (from a well earning job) so had little income for the first time. Honourably I had not gone for the kill in a divorce settlement. I had tried to get our marriage back. Needless to say his other woman soon had nothing to do with him when he had no job.
Where am I going with this? Well in short I got a job 4 days a week and got lodgers and got my life back. I then changed jobs to a more stressful job for reasons of money and to help a friend with cancer. It was too stressful for me and when I met a gorgeous Swede on holiday I moved to Sweden. I suppose I was running away and subconsciously wanted to be looked after. I moved there and collapsed with the stress of the preceding years of working too hard, doing too much etc. I got well there but the financial crash happened in 2008 and so I couldn’t fin work. I did some in the UK when the opportunity came up, and I learned Swedish and did some small pieces of work in Sweden. My main problem was acceptance that I had a chronic pain and working around that. I believed inside me that I had gone through enough shit since my teen years (and lots of good times too) and just wanted to be wifey at home. Sweden doesn’t work like that and despite being a well educated woman with many talents I didn’t get work. I also had not sold my home in the UK due to the financial crash so still had one leg there. What happended next was the combination of low self esteem, fear of pressure and more pain and the inability to express that I was not coping properly. I was being looked after royally – we built a stunning home and had holidays and I had a ,lovely husband. But I felt inferior and struggled with that. Everyone has told me that I am too hard on myself and I realise that indeed I did not congratulate myself on all I had achieved. I had the chance to change career and do something more worthwhile but a combination of the embedding of class system, and fear of exhaustion led me to negativity and believing I was unable to work. I therefore recognise the men above who slept until 10am. Your body gets used to this. I was fearful that I would get really ill again. I didn’t get proper advice there and felt swamped without a purpose to my days. I could have become an auxiliary nurse or carer but I couldn’t cope with human poo although I was a compassionate person. In short I had become comfortable but my husband was not happy that I was not pulling my weight. he was super kind but we didn’t manage to communicate properly. I felt resentful towards Sweden that I couldn’t get a job and become whiney and self pitying all the while enjoying a lovely lifestyle. Me being me though and depression and isolation as my bedfellows ( and bloody facebook enticing me with images of my old life), I thought I should come back to the UK to sort myself out. So hubby got me to sign over my share in the house in Sweden and stop being employed by his company. I meekly, though with loads of tears, agreed and signed on the understanding then when I and sorted myself out and sold my home in England I would pay off my share in our new home and become an owner of it again.
So I made the very bold journey to the UK and stayed in a bedsit to see if I was employable here. I was so trusting that when hubby phoned and said “end of marriage” it was a shock to me. I didn’t fight him as I had felt so grateful to him for helping me regain my health and having looked after me so much.
What a huge mistake. I should have had a lawyer. I didn’t realise but I had gotten into a degree of learned helplessness in those 4 years of more or less little employment. So back in brutal Britain I got some work again and then had a major relapse of my illnesses without anyone to offer me support.
Losing a home we had created, my marriage, my closest friend, his family, and an idyllic lifestyle because I had been too pigheaded to work at a certain type of job led to a massive depression. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ANY JOB – and I did apply for a few – even if it meant cleaning up poo – to give me back a sense of pride and contribution to the world. The unemployed partners above need to get over themselves and self pity and work at anything as well as studying again. As a 52 year old with a chequered history of work due to my ill health, it is really hard to find decent employment part-time. Each day I regret my pigheaded choice as despite the way I was ousted, I know that he is a good person but one who values himself very highly and will not let others take advantage of him. All he said was that he had given me so much. I was so upset and desperate that I didn’t have the strength to argue back what I had done for him. So I lost my dream.
Lesson – use meditation and mindfulness to value your partner and get back to some employment and love yourself for that small step. That small step shows you value your partner

Lee

September 2nd, 2015 at
9:57 AM

I would like to add the male perspective.When my wife and I got together, we bother were working and then 2 years later our son was born.I worked fulltime or 2 part time jobs.I continued to get paid jobs as time progress.This last 6 years where she looked after our son as she didnt work at all! I earned alot of money so we eat out and she had a gym membership.We were always going places and Birthday and Christmas was lavish!
After the 6 years, that all went and I didnt get another job for 2 years and it was just a few hours and my wife got a part time job of 20 hours.I did the school run for the next 6 years and joined the reserves to gain some extra money.She refused to buy an old car and still eat out and told me she deserved to have everything she wanted! She resfused to take a fulltime job as she went to university to get a law degree! I have a Degree with 2 masters, I have worked all over the UK and US, but I have no job! For 6 years I never complained, but it seems that I am not given that honor!

Is marriage all about money? If I suddenly won the lottery would I be the good guy again? She demands me to pay;”my rent”! We live like Lodgers! It seems to me that Men are not allowed to be out of work for more than a few months at best, where as many men have wives who do not work and spend their money but that is ok!

Mollie

September 25th, 2015 at
6:55 PM

Hi Lee,

I got my Associates Degree while my man worked and supported our two kids and myself. I got a job in the area I was studying just a fews months before I graduated. I make good money but not enough to support us both and the two kids. It is not all about money exept for the fact that it costs money to live or survive. It I made enough to support us all and have money for savings and extras I would be just fine with him doing his thing. But currently I am going through a stressful time at my job plus having to pay all bills, clean the house, wash clothes, make dinner, do homework for my Bachelor’s degree, make sure the kids do their homework, and get the kids up for school everyday. I just feel so alone in this time of need with nobody to talk to that would understand the stress of it all.

Another

September 8th, 2015 at
8:22 PM

The recession has been so devastating for so many people. Me too. Seems like most of society moved on, but we’re stuck.

My husband has been essentially out of work for 5 years. He does occasional tutoring, but maybe pulls in $200/month on average. Nowhere near what I imagined when we were first married and both completing our professional degrees. I was hoping for 10 or even 20x that. So, so wrong. He’s gotten understandably frustrated and depressed, and his personality has changed so much. He’s not who he was when I first met him. And I’m sure I’m not the same either – much sadder, angrier, and just completely exhausted now.

I think about leaving a lot, but what would it really accomplish? I’d just end up alone (basically the current situation), paying alimony (basically the current situation), and paying for all of our daughter’s expenses (the current situation). My daughter would be the one really worse off, shuffling between households. Why put her through that for nothing?

I know he struggles too, but I feel a lot of resentment and frustration like so many other people here. Hope it gets better for all of us, somehow, magically and soon. Praying we’re not all just casualties of the recession forever…

fleur

September 9th, 2015 at
2:28 PM

I so understand the resentment. My husband was let go from his job of 22 years and hasn’t worked in a year and a half since then. He was always a good provider and I didn’t make as much as him until my current career, where I kind of zoomed ahead and my job became the career with potential. Because of my job we moved back to the US after living overseas for his job, I moved back to a new position with my company when his job became in jeopardy. He’s lost his will, he has no motivation. He says he wants a job and is looking, but when I come home after work there’s been no progress and I know he’s been watching cable all day. He had two interviews over a year ago, they were directly from my contacts. He doesn’t know how to network (or won’t) he won’t talk to anyone about it, he has no friends and relies on me solely for everything. He gets defensive if I say anything or ask how he’s prgressing. I even hired him a career coach and SHE is frustrated with him. He’s gaining weight and we have no sex life. Im a strong, determined person but how much longer am I expected to carry him if he won’t show any progress? When do I get to live MY life?
I’m not sure what he does all day. He sits in his room with his collections. I bought a nice house based on two incomes, so that he could have his damned “man cave” , and I can’t handle the expenses anymore. Luckily we have a rental house in another town, and I have told him, sorry, we need to sell the big house and move to the the smaller house because it’s so much cheaper and I can’t keep it going. So now, while i am working full time, I am also trying to get the other house fixed up for us to live in, and he resists helping and won’t even go and see the other house. He just worries about his stuff losing his man cave and packing up his collections and criticizes what I have managed to get done. He doesn’t GET the burden I feel, keeping up him and the house and all his stuff, while I am cleaning out and throwing out my own stuff to downsize for the move.
He resents me selling the newer house and thinks I am being selfish. If I point out things that have been achieved, he finds small things to criticize and nitpick and won’t help on the big picture which is getting out from under all this burden, moving “home” to the old house, and living a simpler, but more satisfying life. He has so much STUFF. IT’s overwhelming.
Im so tired. I don’t want to go into debt for anyone. How long do we have to support someone who, as much as we love them, can’t seem to pull themselves up by their bootstraps? How long do we sacrifice ourselves? AT this point it seems really nice to think of only worrying about myself and letting him figure his own situation out. He’s a nice guy, very sensitive and critical. But how long do I have to massage his ego and carry the weight? (I have a therapist. He refuses to go.)
I’m so tired of this. I could live by myself, date a little bit, have a dog, and just enjoy life instead of carrying him all the time.
Thank you for this thread. It’s depressing but Im glad to know Im not alone.

Renee

September 9th, 2015 at
9:31 PM

I fantasize all the time about just running away from the stress…. These comments have been really helpful for me… Helps me know I’m not crazy for feeling this way! I just don’t think life is supposed to be so frusterating…. I just wish I knew what to do

Jay

September 12th, 2015 at
8:16 PM

Wow, thought I was alone, so sick and frustrated that I went online seeking some direction. I found all you wonderful gals experiencing What I have been going through. I think we are all being used and abused.! Something to think about.

I have been with my significant other for 16 yrs. Our relationship is empty. I say that because for the past 7 yrs it has been me supporting and paying every thing, replacing cars, paying her credit card debt and health insurance and you name it I pay for it. there is absolutely no reason a woman of 49 yr old women with a college degree cannot get a job doing something.

I experienced the terrible economy. I was fired from a great job in the housing building materials industry in 2010. I lost everything in a matter of 1.9 yrs. due to unemployment. but I never gave up we relocated from Minneapolis to Milwaukee, WI where we both spent many years. Relocated to utilize my contacts got creative, landed a good of job. I made it rebuilt my credit, rebuilt some savings, now looking to buy another home and live a scaled down lifestyle, but not sure I want her to come with! My partner for the last 7yrs can’t seem to generate enough loyalty to our relationship to chip in and get it done. At least try ,prove to me I do matter in her world and understand I am breakable, This person tells me what a lousy partner I am whenever I suggest she spend some time looking for work or get new training. I am left to think this whole 15 years was a big fat waste and now she’s got me to do all her dirty work.

I am so pleased to find all these terrific partners with slugs who conned us into love.

So I say ladies we are being used and in our relationships we have discovered when the chips are down our partners prefer to stay down and watch us haul the baggage. I only wish I had met one of you terrific strong women.

I say the heck with them, any terrific women suffering as I and located In my area want to grab a coffee, drop me a line. Why? Life exists after this drama ends. sometimes we all need friends to help us through the decision making process, everything our partners don t want us to do, afraid we will get stronger and not be guilty when we walk.

Ps my partner is also a drinker and has a problem. Any advice on how I salvage this or move on would be appreciated. I am so tired no No matter how I try to I keep outward appearance of being happy, I feel I live alone and isolated. My dreams are only dreams my reality is not what I planned for?
Thanks for not judging, I feel better knowing other strong people also feel weak when in this situation.
J

Ty

September 17th, 2015 at
11:20 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years we have 2 children together and 2 older children from a previous marriage living with us( they think I’m their mom). I work solely and he refuses to get a job. He worked once since we have been together for a month but stopped goin because he didn’t want to take a day off when our daughter was sick. I had just started a new job that week and couldn’t take off. He tried running his own mechanic business but didn’t work out because his brother is not reliable and skipped town on him and took his tools. Also I just had our son and got pregnant a month after with our daughter he did some work for a girl on her car and they started talking and ended up goin to the movies and I found out and flipped and he just stopped doin his mechanic business.That was 2 years ago. He hasn’t worked since, he says he doesn’t wanna work and gets mad at me for mentioning it one time so now I don’t mention it he will apply for jobs and they will call for interviews but he won’t go. We struggle so much we live in a motel with the kids I pay for everything including everything for his kids from previous marriage.I do everything including school stuff daycare etc. We just got a car and for a long time I was taking 3 kids 1,2,6 on the bus at 5 am to get them to.daycare them get on 2 buses and a train to get to work and the same to get home. I would ask home to help me pick them up and he would get mad and tell me I’m lazy and half passed and I expect him to pick up the slack. I’m tired and stressed out. I want to move on but I love him dearly. I wish he could just be a man that helps support his family. I’m willing to work too but we both need to work to make it.

Stephanie

September 20th, 2015 at
8:38 AM

I guess misery loves company, because although I feel for all of you, I’m also glad to know I’m not alone.

My husband was on disability 2 years ago for back issues. Not too long before our son was born. He got cleared last November and went to his Union Hall and there hasn’t been work since. He can’t even collect unemployment because due the the disability, he had no taxable income the year before.

He gets mean, depressed, and sometimes seem to have no ambition. Everything is on me financially and sometimes all household chores and caring for our son, etc.

I try to keep the faith but it’s hard. We live at my mom’s because we have to. With just my income we are struggling as is, let alone paying rent.

I envisioned life so differently by my age. A house, an employed husband, happiness . Obviously nothing too extreme, but I don’t even have that.

Miss Koru

September 26th, 2015 at
4:21 AM

Hi there
well….where do I begin. ..my partner of two years has been looking for work the whole time, as reunited after 20 years of being a part. As he came from another country, he found it hard to find work; and the jobs he could find were seasonal or one off jobs, nothing secure. Finally, after hounding a factory and practically begging them to give him a job, they put him on. I thought we’d hit the jackpot! The pay was amazing, and finally I could stop worrying about money so much, and maybe even have a week off work (I haven’t had a break for over two years)
But the good times didn’t last; after everything I did to get him the job, he screwed it up big time by failing a drug test and got stood down for five weeks. I was devastated. But I was thankful he didn’t get fired straight away.
The stress of it though has taken its toll on me. My work is suffering because I’meexhausted and irritable, and I’m struggling to get up each day and go to work. We’re living on peanuts because the bills take up most of my pay, and my long battle with depression has flared up again, making life even harder to deal with.
My whole problem is; he doesn’t seem to think my feelings are warranted! He’s sick of hearing about how hard it is for me; I know it’s hard for him too….it’s just that im the one who has to head out u work every day, in a front line job, dealing with the public, whist falling apart on the inside.
If I have a day off, that’s one day’s pay we go without. But some days I panic at the thought of facing up to work feeling like a mess.
I’ve supported us in every way the whole time. …and now when I’m burnt out and falling apart, he’s not being very supportive at all….saying I’m overreacting. ..Over analyzing the situation. …is he serious? ???
I feel like I’m trapped between a rock and a crazy place; I have to keep working to keep paying the endless bills; to keep a roof over our heads; to put food on the table. But…I’m exhausted. And I can’t have any time off unless he gets back to work.
I had a melt down last week, and called in sick. He was so angry with me. I was so confused; can’t he see how beaten and broken I am? To add insult to injury, he even implied I did it on purpose, to get fired! As if I can afford to do that! It became obvious that he doesn’t have my best interests at heart. …and I feel so alone and frightened right now.
I have to stay strong for myself now…I’ve decided that to survive, I have to try to look after myself as best as I can. Hard when you have barely enough money to feed yourself, let alone another. Hard to do when you go to work on an empty stomach, and get criticized for being upset about it.
I forgot so confused right now. I love him….I really do. But he has to understand; I’m drowning here. ….why can’t I get a bit of understanding? Some compassion? Am I crazy?
Thanks for listening to me. ….feels good to get that out…..

Stacey

September 28th, 2015 at
9:57 PM

I have been married to my husband for 21 years. We have had times of separation for issues other than financial but have managed to stick together. We have two children one 19 and one 10 both still at home. My husband has had 9 jobs in the last 5 years. With every new position he took a pay and benefits cut he is currently making $10 an hour with no benefits. He has no ambition any longer to do better for himself or his family. He has been fired or laid off of every job. I asked him the other day to reflect on why is he the first one to be laid off, what is he doing at work to get himself on that list. That when his employers are looking to make cuts why is he always the first to go. Needless to say he got angry. His latest job is through friends and is a small family owned business he has only been there for about 3 months and he is already fighting and having arguments with his coworkers. Today he got so angry one of his coworkers actually asked him if he was going to hit him. I don’t know what else to do. I have asked him to get counseling and he starts but quits. He was put on meds but once he read the side effects he quit taking them. I am so tired of being the responsible one that I just really want him to go and I will take care of my family myself. I am beginning to rescent him and no longer have any sympathy for his situation. I feel as though he has done this too himself and I no longer want to help him I feel taken advantage of.

Sher

December 22nd, 2015 at
7:31 PM

Your post rings so true for me also ..the light has dimmed and love is damaged by fighting and disrespect. My husband is older and worked in construction.. 20 yrs of jobs that don’t last .. Everyone he works for is stupid and the job ends.. .. In a good year he would work for 7 months .. In a bad 3 . In the winter when there was no work , he took to his room, the computer and would hide from the cold.. this has gone every winter for 16 years easy,. He refused to even consider returning to school .. I’m too old .. There are no jobs in that area.. All the while I’ve worked thru surgeries, broken legs, rolling around In a chair at work just so we could survive ..he doesn’t cook but did get better at food shopping. He does no housework, that’s my job he always reminds and the outside is his.. There a are about 10 unfinished construction projects at my house .. All torn apart and never finished. We have had Financial issues and when we have extra money he won’t hire any help .. Only he can do the work right. I have always worked and I come home , cook and clean and listen to his complaints .. Yes I’ve become a b%tch too ..we have to share one car and life feels like it’s not worth living .. He spends a lot of time correcting me , how I do things .. When I come home and he’s clearly done nothing all day .. If I start to clean he jumps up and starts cleaning with me .. Ask me why things are a mess ,, I pushed him to get mental health support or I was leaving and he’s now getting some help and hoping to get picked for a training program. He seems hopeful but as he’s on edge as he’s waiting to for news about the training. He’s even said this is it .. If I get work .. We will split up .. I’m truly done too .. It’s just ironic that all the years when he didn’t work and I did ,, he refused to break up. I’m unsure if he has what it takes to be retrained but the relationship is over .. ill hope we can split under good circumstances . Him with a job .. This is it , if The job doesn’t work out ,, i just cant do this .. anger at his life, constant disappointment in me .. I think for many of us women we may have had sad childhoods , abusive fathers .. And so much of this marriage has felt like a replay of that ..

ALONE

September 29th, 2015 at
6:02 AM

Hello All
I feel I am being financially abused. I have no words to describe…my husband is unemployed (and has been for nearly 4 years) and it has been the hardest thing ever! We have 4 young dependents and have now scaled down ( THIS IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT) to the point where we are living in a rural environment (farm) with no electrical facilities. Yes I do pray and yes request for prayer and yes I am a religious person and yes my husband and I discuss this over and over and yes I have sympathy for him. He takes good care of our kids (really good care)…and I have peace of mind when I leave the house in the mornings. BUT, it is hard…I work as a Bookkeeper and I have taken a salary cut since I was last employed at another firm in 2011 because this was the only job opportunity available. Now, I would also like to add that it appears as though my husband is taking over (where decisions are concerned) regarding what must be paid when and when. I have debt coming out of my ears from trying to keep up and supporting my family from one salary income. I am unhappy, exhausted, sad, failing…I have run out of ideas. I love my husband (adore him). I love my children. Sometimes its too much…I cannot deal with this.

CMC

September 30th, 2015 at
4:39 PM

I truly feel for all of you that are dealing with a spouse/SO who just isn’t trying and doesn’t seem to care. I’m in the opposite situation. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and it’s been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything.

He’s filled out literally HUNDREDS of applications, contacted countless recruiters and he’s only had one interview in the last year. He’s so sick of getting the “thanks but no thanks” emails, and having recruiters tell him (not kidding here) that he’s too old and too overweight for them to even submit his resume to their clients (we live in a very expensive area dominated by younger tech workers). Unlike some of the other stories here, he busts his butt to try and be as productive as possible around the house and takes care of our daughter and all her homework and activities. He’s managed to stretch my salary and the last of our savings out until the end of this year. He even started an ebay business that’s doing so-so, but the fees are killing just about any profit he makes. It’s taking a toll on his health too… he can’t sleep, he’s constantly getting colds, and I’m incredibly worried about him. We can’t move to another area because of custody issues, so that’s out of the question. I love him more than life – I would NEVER leave him – and I just don’t know what to do anymore. He said he’s always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. I hate to see what this has done to him.

Mickarther

October 1st, 2015 at
9:22 AM

I’m having a little trouble understanding what is being written by women on here. a lot of women on this site are obviously upset and distraught over their husbands or partners being out of work for long periods of time. And of course, that is quite understandable as this is not the traditional or even proper way (IMO) for things to be done in a marriage or family. The man is supposed to be the bread winner…at least in the traditional sense. Somehow, things got turned around in society during the 60’s when the women’s lib movement happened. Now I have no qualms about women who want to work and have careers, etc… But sadly, it affected almost all marriages and families into believing it was also the woman’s job to work outside the home….AND inside as well. We never got to shed the responsibility of homemaker. So it appears at least, that the only group who benefited from this…..are the MEN. Or possibly same sex lesbian couples. Women have always been the nurturing caretakers of a family, and still are to this day. The difference now is we are stuck doing ALL of it because of the changes made to society. So I keep asking, what did we, as women really gain? The only answer I can come up with is, more responsibility in the context of a marriage. I’ll admit it did give women a sense of individuality and a more self-sustaining way to provide for themselves and their children should the husband up and leave them. But back then, the courts would make sure women and kids were taken care of by the fathers. Most of society accepted this and did not see this as somehow unfair in any way. You have to remember that, as a woman, a wife and possibly a mother, you already have “work” to do. It is not easy to keep up with home, family, kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dinners, chores, running around, budgeting, etc…to begin with. Add a full time job on top of that, and you WILL become overwhelmed and your marriage is doomed to fail due to resentment.
This does not go for ALL men. So please, don’t say, well, my husband does this and that and also works, etc… I know that. I’m not talking about men that are temporarily out of work, or in between jobs and are doing the household chores. My point is…if a man is out of work and continues to be, for whatever reason, he SHOULD be playing the part of homemaker, caretaker in that time period. IF he is NOT and is just laying around while YOU work….for YEARS….then something is seriously wrong with his character and you should probably get away as fast as possible. I don’t buy the depression thing as an excuse. He should be pulling himself up and taking care of his family. Put his pride aside and make minimum wage if he has to for a while, but for God’s sake….do something! He is a MAN. Act like one.

CMC…it sounds like your husband and a few of the others on here are trying very hard without much luck. But they are TRYING. Much respect for them and for you women who are sticking by them and hanging in there. Sometimes life just deals a bad hand for a while. Things will work out.

CMC

October 1st, 2015 at
2:56 PM

Mickarther, thanks for your comment… it can only get better and something’s got to give, right? :)

I think the family dynamic of “men as the breadwinner” really changed when stagnant salaries and rising costs forced families to need two salaries to survive. I’m not talking about the stay-at-home soccer moms who are married to men with executive jobs and 6-figure salaries, I’m taking about us working shlubs who get paid hourly and can’t live on one salary anymore. Admittedly, I make more than most of my friends with 4-yr degrees on my measly little associate’s degree (I work in the legal field), but living in this area on less than $100K a year? Good luck. I can’t even find rent for less than my mortgage payment, so selling my house would be a stupid move. We’ve cut our expenses to the bone (no cable, no eating out, no-contract phones) and we still come up short. My husband is a frugal guy, so he finds all kinds of ways for us to save money. He created a spreadsheet to track every cent we spend, and exactly how much we have at any given time. He’s managed to keep our credit card balances relatively low with our budget so we don’t have to use them unless absolutely necessary (car repair, etc). My parents have offered to help out but we’re holding out hope that something good happens soon.

As for my husband – he’s the best man I’ve ever known. He’s doing EVERYTHING around the house – cooking, cleaning, maintenance, and all the while trying to find SOMEONE to hire him. The only time he slows down is when he gets a migraine from all the stress. He’s definitely depressed – I can see it – but he keeps it from my daughter as much as possible. She doesn’t really even realize he’s out of work. He’s smart as hell, a hard worker and doesn’t deserve this crap. All he needs is a foot in the door.

Ladies – if your man won’t get off his ass and DO something – anything! – to help you, you’re better off alone. Some of the comments above piss me off to no end. He’s buying beer with YOUR hard-earned money and sitting on the damn couch all day? Kick his lazy ass to the curb! And yeah, I can say that because mine’s unemployed too, but he’s the polar opposite of lazy. Sorry if I sound smug, but that’s what your husbands should be doing, not living off you. Good luck and much happiness in the future to all of us. :)

morphius

October 1st, 2015 at
4:15 PM

@Mickarther – as a “man”…while I completely agree with the comment; “…he is just laying around while YOU work….for YEARS….then something is seriously wrong with his character and you should probably get away as fast as possible…”, as this is unacceptable REGARDLESS of gender…but I need to know, what world do you live in? Women are EXPECTED to work outside of the home AND inside of the home, and MEN are the winners of the women’s lib movement? Maybe this is a reality for you in your circle of friends, but this certainly isn’t the norm in society.

The latest 2014 stats for the US show what is the reality (and I use the US only because their numbers were easier to find freely). On average, in a two partner family, where both partners worked;
– 70% of families were dual-income, versus 10% wife only, and 20% husband only (approx and rounded).
– 47% of wives were primary income earners compared to 53% of husbands.
– men worked 8.4 hours per day, versus women at 7.8 hours per day.
– 83% of women and 65% of men spent some time doing household chores daily.
– women spent 2.6 hours on such activities, while men spent 2.1 hours.

The reality of our society is that men and women split the load for the most part. That is not to say that it’s a perfect split, or that there is no room for improvement, nor do the above stats cover all aspects of ‘household duties’…but to try and state that there is some gross inequality occurring within the family in general just doesn’t stand up.

Being unemployed is an incredibly difficult strain on any family, and the unemployed person SHOULD voluntarily and happily assume MOSTLY ALL of the household work until they find gainful employment again. That is the hallmark of a heathly relationship, regardless of what era we live in.

Regardless of gender or marital status, if one partner EXPECTS the other to shoulder MOST of the responsibilities of the family, that is unacceptable, and that person is abusing their partner.

At the end of the day, if any of us want to be adults, then we need to stop bitching about life and do what needs to be done. Too much time is spent on ‘feelings’ and ‘being supportive’ and ‘understanding’. Grow up and take action or remain silent. To proud to put food on the table by working at Burger King or Walmart (or be with a partner who does) because the economy is in the hole and that’s all there is available currently? Who’s fault is that then? I’ll get on my hands and knees and scrub toilets for minimum wage 16 hours a day before I go years unemployed. I won’t like it, but that’s the type of decision an adult makes.

Renee

October 1st, 2015 at
4:47 PM

First I just want to thank everyone who has helped me feel so much less alone! It’s really appreciated. The truth is most of us who have men who are unemployed and not really caring about the stress we feel… We KNOW that we should run…. But knowing and doing are two different things. It’s very scary to make these decisions.. It’s sometimes easier to just accept it…and I suspect many of these lazy men are very unhappy with the women in their lives so they just stop caring about how all this affects their wives. Just remember… We have one life and we are getting older. Not one of us is promised another day. So do what you need to do for yourself because clearly they aren’t worrying about you.

Stooge

October 7th, 2015 at
11:49 AM

I am a stooge. The victim of a lazy cad. He refuses to work, has bankrupted Me twice and has consumed so much money from my elderly parents that they are nearly starving. He has destroyed my personal property, threatened me, and holds me virtually hostage for fear of an outburst of temper.

We women do what we must to survive.

I challenge any of you who offer the advice that we simply offer unconditional love and support, or who tell us to just hang on and things will get better, to live one effing DAY of our lives. The strongest of MEN would crumble under the weight of responsibity borne by the least of us. Yes of course we should leave him. But we can’t. Get over it and realise that what we need is your understanding.
No, I can’t leave. I just can’t. I’m not alone in this. And if I were to attempt to suggest that he work to at least make my life slightly bearable, I risk a temper fit that may leave all of my belongings destroyed for all I know.
Go ahead, sit on the sidelines snd advise us to kick him to the curb. Very easy when you’ve never ever been there.
What I’ll say to every woman on this forum is:
The world has never seen strength like yours. All of history’s military commanders, Kings, and Emporers never had in their wildest dreams the strdength it takes some of us to walk back into our homes after work– knowing that we will be welcomed with complaints and sinks full of dishes. But, man, you will never EVER E V E R bring us down. Every single day we fight battles that no man could ever win. There will never be statues made in our likenesses, nor will there ever be a Remembrance Day for the daily wars we fight but know this: you men will never take from us our most important resource– the ability to get up one more f£cling time than you knock us down. We will always survive.

Miss Koru

October 8th, 2015 at
10:53 AM

Stooge….what a powerful and much needed message I, and every other abused woman needs to hear.
You have a gift for expressing yourself with words, you sound educated and wise.
Yet you too have fallen foul of the abusive Y chromosome.
Thank you for giving me hope through your words; Miss Koru.

mary

December 23rd, 2015 at
3:46 PM

Jesus Christ. If you’re “strong” enough to put up with this crazy man then fine.. but he’s effected your elderly parents to the point that they’re starving and you STAY? That is not strength. That is plain sad. And yes, honey. I’ve been there and worse. But I’d NEVER allow ANYONE to hurt my family.. the family who was there FIRST. I’d rather die. Good luck to you. I hope that when you attend your parent’s funeral one day that this doesn’t come to haunt you. I’m haunted already…

sierra

October 7th, 2015 at
10:00 PM

I am glad I stumbled upon this website. I need to vent. I have been with my husband for nine years. Six of those years he was in prison. Since he was paroled, he hasn’t been able to keep a job because of his record. So I have been the bread winner. He has been depressed because he was away from his kids and feels less of a man. So he has started smoking weed to cope. I also have to take care of our two dogs, clean, cook and do laundry. I am 36 and I know I don’t want kids but I feel so tired all the time. Then he expects sex every day and I don’t have the energy for it. I work two jobs,go to school and do odd jobs online for extra money. I have been paying his back child support and co signed for his daughter to get a car but I don’t feel it’s appreciated. I pray for God to send me a si gn for guidance and strength. I want to enjoy my life but it doesn’t feel that way right now. He is a handyman and I do thankhim for that but financial support is needed as well. I love him and want the best for us but how can you motivate a man to do more?

Kandice53

November 8th, 2015 at
10:40 PM

I feel your pain. My husband lost his job two years ago and has never been able to find work since. He’s home everyday but doesn’t do any housework and of course I resent him for that so everytime I ask him to do something I don’t sound very nice and he’s not going to do it because the way I ask doesn’t please him.
I am working full time now on maternity leave. Our daughter is due in a week but I don’t know how to cope financially. I will have to return to work very soon because Centrelink only gives me 18 weeks leave. I can’t do anything by cry everyday. But he complains I am depressed.

morphius

October 8th, 2015 at
4:50 AM

I don’t pretend to know what is the right advice or best advice for anyone in a situation where they are being abused and/or live in constant fear of abuse. The truth is that there are no easy answers or decisions, but as a man, and as someone who has lived through both physical and sexual abuse, I would offer this; you are not alone.

None of us can know what it is like to be the person in that situation, because each person and each situation is unique. But for those who are in this situation, understand that the advice to ‘leave’ and ‘kick him to the curb’ IS IN FACT the advice you need to follow. No one is saying it is easy, and no one is saying there won’t be difficulties…but why are those who give that advice painted as insensitive or just don’t understand?

Those of you in this type of situation need to take care of yourselves, because clearly the people around you are not. You really need to start asking yourself the following questions; Is this the life I want to experience for the next 1, 5, 10, 20 years? Is this the life you want your family exposed to? What about your children? Do you want your son’s and/or daughter’s to grow up this way? Do you want your son’s to become this type of man? Do you want your children to grow up victimized and with this twisted sense of love and family?

These are not easy questions, and the answers are not any easier. Nor are these comments meant to be insensitive, so please try to understand that the comments for what they are; they are encouragement to take action because what you are going through is not right and must not be tolerated by anyone.

If the abuse is not stopped by those who are brave enough to make the hardest of decisions and take on the toughest of challenges…then the abuse and the long term effects of abuse is passed on and continues. I lost my entire family because I chose to stop the cycle of abuse that was happening to me, and there is not one single day that goes by that I regret my decision. Today, my wife and children will never know the horrors that I saw and experienced because of me taking a stand. None of this was easy though and it took years to work through…but trust me when I say to you all, it is worth it. It is worth it to wake up in the mornings and not be afraid. It is worth it to get rid of the fear, and the doubt, and the sadness, and depression, and hopelessness.

CMC

October 8th, 2015 at
1:21 PM

“Go ahead, sit on the sidelines snd advise us to kick him to the curb. Very easy when you’ve never ever been there.”

Oh Stooge, but I HAVE been there. And I LEFT. And I started over with darn near nothing. But I’m still here, still kickin’. And you CAN do this. Not just for yourself, for your family as well. Stuff can be replaced… your loved ones can’t, and neither can you. Time to stand up for yourself. If he throws a temper tantrum, call the police if he dares to lay a hand on you. You CANNOT continue to live like this! I know it’s harder than it sounds… but you CAN do it.

YZ

October 30th, 2015 at
11:55 PM

I lost my job & my husband doesn’t want to support my financial during my difficult time, I’ve been looking for a job every single day but nothing so far!! I helped him when he doesn’t have a job for several months before & now when is my turn he simply said i can’t!!!!

Phillyfoul

November 14th, 2015 at
4:08 AM

Uh oh. Looks like more of an issue than just being unemployed. The real issue is that in a healthy relationship finances are a shared facet of life. “My bills” and “your bills” shouldn’t even be part of your vocabulary. And until “our bills” becomes a reality, you will still have problems even if you find a job. Remind him of the help you gave him, remind him that you guys commited through richer or poorer. If he makes enough to cover all your family’s expenses right now while you are desperately looking for a job, then he needs to do that. If he doesn’t that means that he has little to no desire to help and support his wife. When my wife was out of work I was honored to cover our expenses. I was so proud that I could do it, and I didn’t shame her while she was looking for work. Now I lost my job and she knew exactly what she needed to do while I try to find one. Anyway, even in sports teammates will help one another up when they are on the ground. I hope he cares for you more than a couple of guys that play soccer together.

Jelly

November 19th, 2015 at
7:48 AM

My husband resents that I don’t work–I have Epstein Barr. But, I do everything around the home. Also, he makes a good salary. Problem: he gives $ away and makes bad investments w/o my knowledge! I wouldn’t work even if I were physically able!

Val8rie

November 21st, 2015 at
11:45 AM

My husband wont even help me do my job, I’m self employed, to contribute. Its very labor intensive and I do need his help. Yet when he does come along to help, all he does is complain about how much he hates the work! He’s unemployed because he lost his drivers license to a DUI and can’t get it back until he completes 10 counseling sessions at $25 bucks a piece. He’s also required to do 25 hours of community service and attend AA once a week. He’s doing neither of the last two, but expects me to pay for his counseling. Im not in a position financially to throw $250 away in counseling without him making effort at the other requirements. It can’t just all be on me.

Renee

anniebanani

December 2nd, 2015 at
7:39 AM

WOW. So I am not alone!! Husband laid off May 1, I have FT job, I NEVER MISSED ONE PAYCHECK IN OUR 6 YEARS TOGETHER. When he was laid off I said “you need a job by October or we are in trouble.” Now we are in trouble and he is yelling at me. THE MALE EGO IS INSUFFERABLE. Why do I have to support his ego, again, when every job he has had since we were together he quit or lost?? FT work for under 12 months of our 6 years together. Now he is not speaking to me because I had to point out that he completely blew off looking for a job for 6 months. WILL NOT DISCUSS THE OBVIOUS: YOU SCREWED UP AND IT IS A PROBLEM! He will not own his failure, learn from it and move on. Instead I am not allowed to talk to him today. If I want him to work I have to write the resumes, email the resumes, search the web, be nice and encourage him and cheer him on, listen to his unrealistic opinions about his job options, and try to keep my stress down, his ego fed, and our bills paid. I am not sure what to do, except that if he yells that much about me being the problem with his not finding a job, fine. Do it yourself.

Renee

December 2nd, 2015 at
12:30 PM

I’m speechless…. I feel like I just read your post but you were talking about me! I’ve read a lot if posts on here but yours mirrors mine almost exactly…I’m so mentally exhausted and feel so alone I am so appreciative of what you wrote because it reminds me that I’m absolutely normal in what I’m feeling. Thanks!

Amu

December 12th, 2015 at
6:43 AM

Giving all of you a big hug! You are strong women! I am in exactly the same situation too! My husband has been unemployed for 18 months and the emotional Rollercoaster of his near miss job hunting has been so hard. Now he told our 10 year old daughter that I should be working harder when he has been unwilling to look at any job that isn’t THE perfect job. I have a successful company and already work more than full time, do all the work around the house and still make sure I am fully present and engaged with our daughter. Meanwhile, he watches tv, bought a very expensive motorcycle to go joy riding all summer (without discussing it with me), buys expensive scotch, etc like he still has a lucrative job or is independently wealthy. I am at the end of my emotional rope and definitely out of patience. When I have mentioned selling some of his “toys” to make sure we will be able to pay the mortgage and put food on our table he says I need to do more! How do men get to this point? How can they not put their ego aside to do the right thing for their family? Maybe I have been too patient and supportive and should have been a nag all along, but that would have been contrary to who I am :-(

morag

December 18th, 2015 at
3:56 AM

Just read your post and it sounds like me!!! So fed up and exhausted working full time, cleaning, cooking, driving, taking dogs out, washing and ironing and shopping while he sits all day drinking beer and yet I get treated like it’s my fault and I should support him!! Who the heck is supporting me?

A

I guess “for better or worse” doesn’t exist anymore. From the looks of it even those who’ve been married are ready to throw in the towel after their partners have been unemployed for a year.

My boyfriend (of 3 years) and I just moved as he got accepted to a great university, and he wanted me to come along. We both quit our jobs to move. He plans on being a full time student, but I on the other hand would be part-time student and work part-time or full-time. It’s been 5 months and I have applied to everything! Fast-food, retail, front desk, anything! I’ve applied to at least 5 jobs a day since moving here, and only a handful of interviews have come out of it and no job offers. I was even willing to work at a gentlemen’s club as a hostess (they usually take any young female with a pretty face), but as I passed the idea to my boyfriend he was not happy. After each rejection, after each lead goes no where, it becomes harder for me to stay positive.

I cannot believe that with almost 5 years of retail experience, I cannot find at least one place during the holiday season?! It’s F*cking ridiculous.

I’ve already used all my savings and financial aid to help with bills and groceries, and other misc. things. I do the chores. I’ve been selling things. I don’t have much else to offer other than keep trying,but I guess that’s not enough.

From what I’ve read, I guess I should just leave. My unemployment is already taking it’s toll on the relationship. I mean, we love each other and we both see a future together, but … If i don’t find something soon, we won’t be able to pay next months rent and it would have been my fault because I was supposed to have a job by now. So before any of that happens … if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid.

He’s already made it clear that if I move back with my parents it would be “a step backwards in our relationship” … So … I’ll save myself the embarrassment of being dumped and unemployed.

CMC

December 9th, 2015 at
9:58 AM

A, you can’t blame yourself. At least you’re making an effort! It’s no secret that finding a job these days is NOT easy. My husband has been busting his a$$ for nearly 2 years now and gets nothing but rejection letters, but I’m behind him 1000%. Don’t just give up on a good relationship – it seems your BF doesn’t want to lose you. So what can you do at this point? Like you said, you’re having trouble even finding holiday temp work, which can depend on your location (maybe there’s not much around). Have you been a receptionist before? A lot of offices are willing to train. Try reaching out to a legal or finance recruiter and see if they can place you in an entry-level position. Or, if it’s at all feasible, you may want to try going back to school for a paralegal certificate – most community colleges have a program and it’s not nearly as expensive as one of those private technical colleges. You can likely get financial aid too. It’s what I did – and I make a decent salary (the only thing keeping us afloat right now). The reality is that you may have to switch gears and try something new. In the meantime, DO NOT give up! From the sounds of it, you’re young and have the time to learn a new field. Good luck, and hang in there. :)

Angel

January 2nd, 2016 at
7:59 PM

i’m seeing a disturbing pattern here. all of these stories are written by WOMEN. why are you ladies putting up with this crap? if you reversed the situation you know without a doubt your man would NOT stick by you for years and wait for your sorry butt to get employed. obviously this is a thing women are allowing men to do. here’s an idea – dump the boyfriend and stay single. being alone with all that money to spend on your own needs would make you far happier than snuggling up to a leech every night. i actually went looking for support to see if i could find a partner being an unemployed woman and this made me sad. i hope i do get a job because it’s unlikely any man would put up with supporting me while i try my hardest to contribute. how sad that women have allowed themselves to be pushed so hard against a wall like this. even i have given up hope of finding someone because men expect women to be working now. don’t let the rest of us down by lowering your standards for men who wouldn’t do jack for you in reverse. dump these guys and go for working men. you deserve better and you will find it if you’re already working. network a little in your workplace – you’ll find someone.

Heidi

January 24th, 2016 at
12:08 PM

What if he was employed for over 15 years with one employer, laid off due to lack of work, and employed again for one year; then quit that job?? He hasn’t worked for 8months now, and we are almost getting evicted! I know he can hold a job, but he’s taking his time getting another one. Do I dump him??

Blue

January 16th, 2016 at
4:52 PM

My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years. He held a steady, low paying job for about 4 of those years. He lost that job and found a job at a warehouse a few months later. It was a full time gig, but he would come home with blisters on his hands. I knew he hated working as a slave, so one day when he had a bleeding rectum we went to the urgent care center. His work dismissed him despite a doctor’s note. Afterwards, he said he wanted to try medical coding. I paid for his training and his exams, which resulted in me draining over $5000 from my savings. He failed the exam by several percentages. Luckily, he got called for a city job that he took an exam for in 2014. He found a part time job at a retail store in the meanwhile while the selection process continued. He went through multiple stages of screening. We lived on an island, so he constantly needed to take trips to the city to finish various things like a background check, psychological evaluation, written exams, and interviews. I would have to say that during the past two years I have had my bouts of fighting with him about the apartment not being clean enough, about the dirty dishes in the sink, about the fact that he plays video games a lot. However, I noticed that after I set firm rules about things I will and won’t accept, he started to take responsibility for various things. He cleaned the dishes, he cooks the dinner, takes out the trash, cleans the bathroom, gathers the laundry, and drives me to the bus stop every morning at 5:30 am. I breathed such a sigh of relief since we just got notification that he has passed through the entire selection process and will need to report to HR for full time training in February. I see that he is eagerly trying to better himself and perhaps that is why we are still together. He has a good heart and he still tried to pay his part of the bills when he was unemployed, draining his savings. I told him that I would not pay his part and he was ok with it. I hope everything goes well from here.

Tony

January 21st, 2016 at
2:33 PM

My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. She has a problem with anxiety and depression and the job she had and loved decided to automate all the duties that she wanted to do during her work day. She has been off work for some time now and i have been trying to keep things together and stay ahead on payments and so on. But i have to day i am crumbling. I work 12 hour shifts and sometimes more than 85 hours a week between my full time and part time jobs. She is trying incredibly hard and has a list a mile long of all the places that she has applied to.

There were one or two who dhowed great promise and even had formal interviews with a promise of a trial day or two to see how she did… They never got back to her. Not an email. Not a call. Nothing. It crushed all the confidence she had and nothing else has come around for some time now.

Yesterday i got home and she told me in tears that she didn’t want to be here any more. She wanted to die since she doesn’t fit or belong anywhere. No one will give her a chance to prove that she is worth something and make something of an opportunity.

I am at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do or what to say to her. Even when i tell her that a single call and offer will make it feel like this was just a bad dream and to stay positive she says no and that it won’t amount to anything.

I am tired. And not sleepy or in need of some rest but the type of exhaustion you feel in every breath and bone. I try everything but it seems that when life wants to pick on someone it really is relentless. I don’t care how hard it is for me. I just want to see a smile that i haven’t seen in more than a year. I want to see the life in her again but every day she slips just that little bit further out of reach and i get hit just a little harder.

I’m afraid for the woman I love. I’m afraid every time I unlock our front door and find her gone or worse.

Not sure what to do any more but all i know is that I have very little left in the tank and life doesn’t seem to be getting any less complex and harsh.

Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of the challenges you are facing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Speaking to a therapist or counselor can help you work through your feelings, and if your girlfriend is able to speak to a therapist or counselor, she may be able to renew her sense of hope.

Therapists and counselors can also often provide resources and help to those seeking employment. When they cannot, they may be able to refer you to those who can.

Blue

January 21st, 2016 at
4:54 PM

Tony,

Have you considered getting her some training for jobs like certified nursing assistant? You should look into any government programs that may subsidize the cost of the training. Depending on where you live, it might not be that expensive.

Alia

January 22nd, 2016 at
10:08 PM

My husband and I been together 7 1/2 years, married 3 1/2 years. Since we have been together he has had 4 jobs, he just quit his 4th job without a back up. He’s been out maybe 3 days putting out resumes and had one interview. He won’t look elsewhere because he believes he will hear something back on Monday. I’m just wondering how much time I should give him, I am doing my best to care for his oldest son who has ADD and our youngest child who has autism. Ive been battling enough as it is with his alcoholism, which I knew he drank in the beginning.

Heidi

January 24th, 2016 at
12:01 PM

Wow! How can anyone afford any of these self care suggestions ( besides the prayer one) if they are only bringing in ONE income?? I can barely afford gas to get me to the income, and can’t even pay the rent (3 months behind, and landlord has already threatened to kick us out) yet, the significant other looks for MORE jobs to add to MY plate! Oh, and I am the one who is employed as a janitor, but he goes along. Yet, only one of us gets paid for it!

Blue

January 24th, 2016 at
3:43 PM

I feel like it’s always important to evaluate the realities we have and ask ourselves fundamental questions about our situation. For one, is our partner willing to change and adapt to new realities? Are they flexible enough and motivated enough to learn new skills, apply anywhere (including retail positions), and bring themselves out of their unemployment hole? If they are not the type of motivated person who will better our lives, then are they trying the best to look after the family and support those around them? Remember, life is short and we can be gone any moment. Our biggest asset in life is our time. If you only had 3 months to live, what would you do now to make sure that your life is filled with no regrets?

Erin

January 25th, 2016 at
5:31 AM

I’ve been unemployed since February last year I had a permanent job I was only at two weeks then let go due to business issues.I also worked for handy but they were awful to work for.Dispute my background and experience I find it hard to obtain even the low end jobs.The state of this job market in and around London is ridiculous.I’ve completely restructured my cv and seen to be getting more response.I lived in north London last year now settle in barking and struggling to obtain local work as their taken by the over run culture.I am originally from Surrey and can’t wait to move back.We only moved here to get on property ladder and it was close to his office which closed later last year now he works from home.My boyfriend has been more then supportive through my ordeal and all though it’s important for your partner to look after themselves it is vital for both in order to sustain the relationship or marriage.

Nana

February 1st, 2016 at
12:03 AM

I have failed two jobs already for a year and right now, I’m unemployed for one month. My partner’s mom is really disappointed of what happened to me. The last job I had is in a contact center which is very strict in metrics, I wasn’t able to pass the training. Now, whenever she calls, she always nag about money and to be honest, I find it painful. My partner is really supportive but I know that he’s pressured too because his mom always talks about money and about how hard it is for me to get a job because I did not finish bachelor’s. I’m doing everything in my end but whenever his mom talks to us, I feel that she is thinking that I’m just bumping around doing nothing. She also thinks that I did not do my best during training but I really did. I started to prefer not talking to his mom because she keeps on saying the same things that hurts me. I don’t want people to pity me or understand me. All I want is for people to believe in me and don’t assume that I’m just bumping around.

Allie

February 5th, 2016 at
5:14 AM

I can barely read these posts without tears. My husband has been in and out of jobs for most of our marriage–20 years now. I often think I should have left him early on, before kids, but how did I know? At one point he was starting a business and I went to his therapist with him (thank God he’d agreed to see one.) He told the guy he was thinking off keeping the business part time so he could also pursue his art! I’ve done everything myself. I still do. But I realize this has not been healthy for me or the marriage. While I understand he’s had his struggles, I feel I’ve let him walk all over me. Because, you just get a job. You have a family. You have kids. There’s not excuse. I would tell any woman at the beginning of this to take a hard look at what you’re dealing with. And if he’s really not trying, consider leaving before it’s too late. Don’t listen to all of the horrible Christian stand-by-your man stuff. This is about you. You get to have a life.

Michelle

February 7th, 2016 at
5:44 PM

OMG..I am reading these posts and am just mortified. I thought I was alone. I have been married for two years, with him for 5. In five years, it’s been 5 jobs. Even when he had a job? He doesn’t contribute to our household, but pays for his brother’s cable bill. I guess I know why he keeps getting laid off: he does exactly the minimum he has to do to complete a task (cleans a litter box? leaves cat urine on the floor if some got out). I am a retired military member, so I have it covered, but I finally lost my temper and kicked him out for the weekend. He’s coming back tomorrow. I’m setting a very stern stipulation: give part of your income toward the household, and if youre not working? you need to keep the house hold chores done, and not half-assed. My bet? He’s going to get shown the door by 10 tomorrow. One ounce of attitude, kicked to the curb.
No apologies: he’s driving a Kia Optima that he pays for with his unemployment. I bet his brother will expect to have half the living expenses paid, and he’ll comply. Or he won’t.
Simply put: It’s not my problem anymore.

Mary

February 25th, 2016 at
2:57 AM

I’m so depressed. It’s been nine years since my husband last held a job. I’m self employed. I pay for everything. Terrible thoughts have been going through my mind because I feel so trapped. I’m looking into divorce, but now it turns out I may have to pay alimony! I’m 50. I have serious health issues and I’m barely holding on. Thanks for listening.

Jevona

March 2nd, 2016 at
3:02 AM

I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 15 years. He have not held a job down for no longer than 6 months each year. He gets great jobs but than quite them due to something he don’t like about the job, or a person he don’t like at a job. I’ve done had enough of pulling the weight by myself. I was very supportive in the beginning now in not at all. I’m tired. We have 4 beautiful kids I’m taken care of, bills, him ext. In he’s appling himself and get jobs but it’s not even exciting to even hear about them anymore .I’m just like good you have a job let’s see how long you gone keep it. I’m at my end point now. He keep saying what 1 want 1 will. So I’m like bye. He’s mad cuz we haven’t jumped the broom to marriage yet. Yes, it’s due to me in not willing to settle for less. He wants to go to the court house because he’s not able to hold a job done and give me my dream wedding , I’m like no. plus I don’t see myself dealing with this the rest of my Iife. I have 4 little girls who look up to me, who I have to be a role model to. Its not ok ti not let s men eirk in live off you. All he want to do is get drunk and do music. I’m sorry you are 31 and if you have not yet to get it in the indurstry music you are never. He wants me to provide liqure,gas money, pocket money ext. No something have too give. I began to say no and hide money and not tell him the truth about my bank account because I don’t want him to feel like he was gone get any of it. He is not financially responsible at all so he said I’m In the wrong for being dishonest with him. So yesturday he left but he left all his belongings behind. I’m thinking about shooting them out. I really can care less if he comes back. He blamed it all on me. I make him unhappy, he don’t like what I’m doing Or how I’m doing it. He feels bad he’s not helping. But I’m like you can’t feel to bad because you keep doing it. Nither the least he quites his job while him out on maturity leave from work. Like what kind of men does this?

Nichole

March 3rd, 2016 at
12:40 PM

I have been with my BF for the 7 years. He had a job, but no car and lived with a friend. He ended up living with me quite quickly, our whole relationship moved too fast. I had been with someone previously who had passed away and he was the first guy who I really got involved in years later. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. Then as things got more comfortable, he started drinking more, and then his personality would change, he was jealous of the friends and life I seemed to have. One night I went out with some girlfriends and came home late, he had been drinking and beat me up when I got home. I called the police. Of course he was so sorry and mortified over what he had done. I had never had that happen before, so of course I took him back. Over the years he has grabbed me here and there, always when drinking, usually it is more yelling and throwing things. He has damaged a lot of my belongings over the years. My family doesn’t like him at all, they have seen how he gets when he drinks and don’t care for him. It has gotten to the point there are only a few friends he will even spend time with as he doesn’t mind them. For the most part if I go out, it is without him. As far as working, the first few years weren’t too bad, he seemed to be trying to be better. He got a car (which I helped pay for), but then he got better paying jobs and purchased a truck and started to doing odd jobs with that too. However, one job he went too, he got sick two weeks after starting and got let go, it wasn’t his fault, but it seemed to trigger something, ever since then, he can’t keep a job for more than a few weeks or months at a time. Something was always wrong that he couldn’t stay there. Last spring he decided he had enough and was going to move to another province and start over. I am sure he was meeting a new woman as he was constantly texting with someone he claimed was a friend who lived there that was going to help him out. He actually left end of June and I was shocked that he actually left. It was about a month or so when he contacted me, couldn’t find a job and wanted to come back. I told him I couldn’t have him at my house again. He agreed, but guess what, he had no where to stay and asked if he could just stay for a few weeks till he arranged something else. So now he had been back since then, we aren’t even really in a relationship anymore, it feels more like room mates, who share a bed, (rarely sex). He is not working and is depressed and moody and I am just sick of it.
I know that he is bad for me and I know that he should have been out of my life a long time ago, part of me is worried about him being ok which is stupid, but I can’t seem to stop that. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. He tells me, I know we aren’t working, when I have a job and extra money I will go, but he never will at this rate. Sometimes I am scared of what he will do if I throw him out. Will he get physical or try to do something to me, so I just stay. I am really lost, the worst part is my family doesn’t even know he is there, they thought he had left for good. I was too ashamed to say he was back. Most of friends don’t really know either. I am living this weird life where I don’t really have my family involved as they don’t ever come to my house, no one does really. I still go out once in awhile, but I mostly just work. I feel like an idiot, I am smart I swear, I just don’t seem to know how to get out of this. I am 39, never had kids, probably wont’ now and it is my fault. I’m sorry if this was rambling, just need to get it off my chest. I don’t talk to anyone really about this, it is really getting to me, I worry work is suffering and myself and my brain just can’t take it and I am distracted all the time. Hard to pretend you are happy all the time. Thanks for listening.

Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of what you are experiencing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can offer support as you explore your options and decide what to do, but you may also wish to explore other resources.

If you are ever concerned about your safety, please contact local law enforcement or go to your nearest emergency room.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224) for free, confidential support, day or night. Private chat services are also available at thehotline.org. Even if you are not certain what you are experiencing is abuse or if you would not call it domestic violence, please consider contacting them, as they can offer help and advice.

Melissa

March 10th, 2016 at
4:27 PM

Dear All
I have been with my husband for almost 9 years – married for 2. No kids but it seems that there is a hole in me because of that. Hubby and I were working as waiters but I was able to find an office job that pays for bills, he wanted to try his luck too but it didn’t happen for him. The loving man I know changed into a clingy child whose temper and mood swings rival those women on soap operas. Stay at home, gets angry, does a few things at home eg laundry. In 9 years that we have been together, he was not working for 4… Like everyone else, I was supportive at first then resentful of my situation. I pay for everything – mortgage, car, bills and he doesn’t want to claim for benefits because he does not want to stoop that low… I though of leaving him or going the easy way of committing suicide. But I was able to get help, and from then some good things have happened. I was able to talk to him about going to a doctor to sort out his mental issues. He still doesn’t have a job but he has seen a doctor who has prescribed him some medication. His attitude has changed, and he is slowly getting out of his depression. I have also been seeing a therapist who tells me that I have to look after myself.
To all those looking after their unemployed spouse/partner – it is hard, it is painful, but if you still have feelings for one another (and trust/respect after all you have been through) I think there is hope. I send my love to everyone out there experiencing the hopelessness of their situation.

Veronica

March 13th, 2016 at
12:24 PM

I am SO glad I stumbled upon this page today. I have been with my husband for almost 5 years (married just under 1 year) and he has been without a full-time job for almost 4 years. But he tidies up the apartment every week, he drives Uber, he’s with 8 staffing agencies, and he still wants to spend meaningful time with me, so I feel even more guilty for being exhausted and resentful. He’s not laying around on the sofa, but all of his job search efforts have brought very little money into the house. I have a stressful job and everyone in my immediate family is either in jail or unemployed, so I’m really tired of always being needed, of never getting a break. But I don’t get to break down and scream and cry because I’m supposed to be thankful for a job and for a husband. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to find anything again. He has a degree from a nowhere school and spends a lot of time working on hobbies that don’t pay him anything (he actually sometimes has to spend money for them), but the hobbies allegedly keep him sane. When he gets fired from a job and denied unemployment, he doesn’t appeal because he wants to “keep his dignity.” I wonder how his dignity would feel about a homeless shelter, because I can’t do this for much longer. I want to start a family and get a house like normal married couples, but I can’t even save up for a replacement iPod because every month, I pay all the household bills and he needs help with at least one of his personal debt bills. It’s way more than I thought I’d be getting into when we got married. I feel like a failure for wanting to leave less than a year in and like a terrible person for being so upset with an overall nice guy in addition to all my other stress. It’s just too much for one person to handle. I just wish I had my faith that things would get better, but I think I lost that a couple years ago. It is nice to know that I’m not the only one suffering through this, though. They keep saying the economy has turned around and unemployment is half what it was at the beginning of the recession, but what about all of our partners who have actually been trying to find work and keep getting rejected?

Lucy

April 7th, 2016 at
3:06 PM

Wow. I just break down in tears reading these stories. There are so many of us out there crying for help and relief. If just the other person would have the ‘Great news’ of getting the job that could bring in extra money…then our lives would be fine. For me, I am also broken. 8 years together and now I got the office job I always wanted, and he (even with a Master’s in mechanical engineering)….cannot get anything besides a bar job from 4pm-1am…he is either under qualified, or over qualified for ‘real jobs.’ We have been together since 23 and now we are 31…just when life is getting ‘serious’. Marriage? Babies? When will that come? If he never gets a job, I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t promise my life to someone who might not be able to share all the things I want for myself and my future family. I love him so much, and just can’t imagine him not in my life….but I can’t watch myself settle. Oh my gosh, what do I do.

Nikki H

April 8th, 2016 at
4:47 AM

It is so nice to be able to read other people’s stories and hear that I am not the only one in this situation. I think that is part of the problem, we feel so alone as I imagine, like myself, no one else you actually know is going through a similar situation. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years and we got engaged last December. When we first met he was finishing his studies for his second degree, and ended up moving from the Netherlands to London to do an internship to finish. That was 3 years ago. Since then he has had one job for a few months last summer, but that ended in September and he has been unemployed since. Unlike some of the other comments on her, I know/believe that he is actively looking for work and he doesn’t want to be in this situation as much I do. I already suffer from depression and this situation really doesn’t help. Like others have said you try and be supportive as much as you can, but sometimes I just want to scream and yell and go and find him a job myself. I hate the doubt in my mind that he isn’t trying hard enough. We are lucky that we have an income from renting out a flat, however that was meant to be savings to be able to buy a house and for our wedding but it disappears each month along with my whole salary. As someone else said it doesn’t help when my parents suggest things, as the majority of it we have already tried. I feel so bad as my parents are paying for the majority of our wedding and they see that I am currently paying for everything else, and I fear that they then disapprove of him. I feel the other issue is just not being able to speak to anyone, because I don’t want to come across as a selfish bi**h who isn’t supporting her fiancé as I should. We were given a bottle of champagne as an engagement present and I know that it will be opened the day he gets a job, but when will it be?! I also hate the terms “overqualified”, what bull is that?!
Like some others have said, just having a rant about this has somewhat helped, and as I said at the beginning just reading about other similar stories certainly helps. I wish there was more I could do to help him find a job!!!!

S

May 28th, 2016 at
9:28 PM

Less than 2 years, delivered 2 babies (including a preemie), suffered a debilitating spinal injury (while pregnant with 2nd) and subsequently lost my 6-figure job. I was the breadwinner since husband hasn’t held down a job in the 4 years we have been together. Now we have run through my savings and my disability pay (the only income we have) will run out in 6 weeks. I am in pain, still suffering postpartum depression and have 2 small babies to care for. Husband hasn’t been serious about finding work and we are going to be homeless in less than 2-3 months. We have no family to assist us and I can’t bring myself to ask friends for help. The only time I have to job hunt is in evenings after babies have gone to bed.. But I am so tired. I can’t do this much longer! I need him to step up. I care for our babies all day, clean, cook, job hunt, pay the bills and deal with all of the other responsibilities around the house, all while having recently delivered a premature baby (with needs) and struggling to recover from my spinal injury. I also recently recovered (along with my baby) from a opioid dependency due to the pain medications administered to me during the several months I was hospitalized while pregnant, which was a horrible experience for both baby and I. He looks at job postings online every other day but never applies! I was once a successful businesswoman and hopefully will be again but right now I really need help and my husband needs to step up to the plate. I’m not sure what I’ll do if he is unable to. I think I’ll have to ask him to leave and find a shelter for myself and my babies until I can get back on my feet (both figuratively and literally).

NS

June 3rd, 2016 at
7:47 PM

Finding this site and reading these comments is really helping me. My husband’s been unemployed and under-employed for the past three years on top of having medical concerns which have changed his personality dramatically. I don’t make enough to keep our heads above water and it’s a daily, awful struggle to figure out how to keep lights on, pay the mortgage, have food, clothes, pet food, and the list goes on… He is currently “under employed” and does get paid weekly BUT this job incurs expenses of mileage and car wear and tear. Some weeks he makes $80 and that goes right back into the gas tank. Once or twice he has made about $300 in a week and then will have days of no work. The stress is awful. And the worst part is all of this is very isolating. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the Mass and rosary to keep me going. Right now, my prayer is to find some type of friend or community or even support group!

Blue

June 4th, 2016 at
11:28 AM

I know this may sound terrible, but after struggling for six years with a boyfriend who lacked ambition, drive, and frankly is extremely lazy I finally got the courage to let him go. I helped him walk through the process of getting a city job (which he has now), and now – feeling less guilty over what his family has provided me because I “paid” him back in effort and energy – I decided I didn’t want to deal with this the rest of my life. I was at a party with my sister when I asked a friend of hers why he broke up with his girlfriend. He told me, “Because I knew I would regret.” That was like the light bulb. I just turned 30 and I knew I wanted a family and man I can count on. Though he is kind, caring, and considerate, he lacked the necessary survival skills. As our relationship wore on, his weed habit, sucky brother, and overall lack of ambition drove us apart. I felt like I was becoming more of a mother for him. When I thought about how I want kids and would like to stay at home with them for a while, I came to realize I can’t do this with him. I would be working my butt off for the rest of my life to make up for his lack of ambition, drive. Our sex became so dry that I literally never wanted to do it. So what did I do? I dumped him. I moved out into my sisters and then into a room share on my own. I did some online dating for a week and then later found a wonderful, GIVING man who had his “stuff” together: steady job, willingness to do what it takes to get things done, and GRIT. The world is a much better place and I am so much happier. I don’t want to go back to that world before.

Elsie

June 8th, 2016 at
11:25 AM

My husband has been underemployed for several years now. He does some work on the side in addition to his primary job. This summer, his underemployed job is providing no hours, so just the side gigs and my (not substantial, nowhere near 6 figure) income are what we’re living on. I’d love to go on and on, but let’s just say I’m jealous of women whose spouses are gainfully employed. Or at the very least, useful around the house.

SophieAG34

June 13th, 2016 at
12:52 AM

Dear all: If only I found this site 18 years ago. This is about my sister. She married in haste. When she met her current husband, she was 32. She thought it was the end of the world that she was already over 30 and still unmarried. So she met this man, a former classmate at the university, and less than 6 months later they were married. My mom was so happy that at least one of us were married (I did not get married until 6 years afterward). I have had my doubts about my sister’s choice of a husband. He was not a nice person, although he could be charming. One thing that really bothered me in those days was the fact that my sister was unable to know how money he earned on monthly basis. My sister refused to ask him details (big mistake! Now I know that you MUST ask details BEFORE you marry anyone). My mom was annoyed that I tried to encourage my mom to ask more details about his prospective son-in-law. My mom insisted that “he comes from a good family”. At that time, the man was running a graphic design business from home, in cooperation with another person. Horror upon horror, about a couple of weeks before the wedding, my brother-in-law’s business partner decided that “he have had it” with my sister’s future husband. The former business partner decided to first, move from my brother-in-law’s offices and set his own office, and, my brother in law was not invited to join them. Only later I found out the reason, my future brother -in-law was lazy, inconsistent, did not work hard enough and was not contributing toward the business. Oh yes, he got his share of the property, an old Apple Mac with a dying screen. All the other staff went to the new office. So, start from the end, my sister was marrying an unemployed person, who was unable to bring money on a reguler basis. How I felt so sorry for my sister. Their first child was born 1 year later, during whose babyhood my sister must went through periods of not having enough money in the household. There were times when she simply did no have money at all, not even 1 cent. I am her older sister, so naturally I started to help her with the necessities. My sister went back to work about 6 years into the marriage. She is an interior designed by training. And so she started to become her family’s sole breadwinner. Of course, one staff paycheck would not cover a family of 3 kids + 1 unemployed husband. Her husband simply looked at paid employments as a demeaning thing to do. He spent his time at home drinking coffee, browsing the Internet, sleeping and going to lunches or dinners with friends ( using credit cards, which my sister would have to pay later on). Oh yes, once in a blue moon during their 17-years marriage, my sister’s husband earned some free-lancing income. During 17 years marriage, my sister’s huband, at the most, clocked about 6-months worth of employments. All the while his wife, my sister, worked 40-50 hours per week, to support the family. The grand result of these all? My sister, at 49.5 years on February 2016, was finally diagnosed by Stadium 3 Breast cancer. She underwent mastectomy in one breast 10 days after diagnosis. Luckily her surgery was covered by her work insurance. About 4 weeks after surgery, she .. went back to work fulltime. She said she couldn’t afford to lose her paycheck. On may2nd 2016, she started her 5-weeks of agressive radiotherapy. How did she go about her radiotherapy? Everyday she went to work in the morning, took off by lunchtime, went to the hospital, received her daily dose of radiotherapy, went home, slept it off at home in the afternoon. During the 5th week of therapy, her oncologist increased her dosage, which made my sister sick. Not to mention the wounds caused by her burnt skin. During that week, she still managed to clock some working hours at her employment place. I have been supporting her in paying her children costs of living plus schools’ fees, insurances and extracurricular lessons for about 10 years, I have also helped her with the costs of her radiotherapy, since it is not covered by her current (minimum) office insurance. I have just told my mom this morning, that I can no longer held ‘imprisoned’ by my sister’s husband unemployment. Much as I love my sister and her 3 children, i.e. my niece (16) and 2 nephews (14 and 7), I have grown to resent myself. I felt used-up, I felt unappreciated. The money that I could have used for holidays, new cars, new clothes etc have been used to support my sister’s family, all while her husband did no show any serious efforts to take over the role of bread. It has come to a point where , whenever I go to the shopping malls, I feel like a poor person. To the point whenever I was interested in purchasing something, I cancelled my plans by telling myself “It is better to give the money to my sister”. I really resent myself. I feel old, I feel that my opportunities are dwindling away, that’s how much I have became embroiled and involved in my sister’s financial survival. I have my own bucket list that I want to see fulfilled. In the past whenever I confronted my sister about her husband’s unemployed situation, she always became defensive. Likewise if I vent my frustration to my mother. I have informed my mother that, without wanting to sound as selfish, I will support my sister and her family up to December 2016, but after that I need to take some time off. I need to separate myself from my sister’s situation. I hope by December 2016 her cancer is under control.

JUST ME

June 27th, 2016 at
1:07 PM

It’s nice to see i am not the only woman dealing with with this. My hubby and I have known each other for over 18yrs. been married for 3years. I knew i was always the stable one with the good job and he would would work on and off, mostly off. He has been out of work for at least a year now. I am tired of coming home and the house not being clean like it should be, i leave in the morning and he is asleep on the couch and when i come home he is sitting in a chair reading. I have explained the he is to take care of the house and he stated he will try better, but there i was on Sunday morning cleaning the house (while he sat in the chair reading) that should have been done while i am at work for over 9hrs a day. I have decided when stuff isn’t done that i will just do it myself. Now i question, why is he even here? then i remember he has no job and no where to go, so what am i suppose to do with that? I am fed up and tired and seriously i enjoy my own company and i like living alone which is basically what i am doing anyway except my room mate (hubby) doesn’t pay for nothing.

Barbara

June 28th, 2016 at
6:00 PM

First, I am going to suggest counseling for you, make sure the therapist is using Mindfulness or DBT techniques. This will help you control your stress and anxiety but also teach you how to get your point across without fussing or fighting. Set up a chore chart for him and just calmly tell him that if he is going to continue to not work then he will need to do the chores. I made the mistake of doing it all to save arguments and all it got me was years of bitterness towards him and myself.

James

July 8th, 2016 at
7:38 AM

It could be depression. Depression can completely kill a person’s drive or ambition to do anything including looking for-obtaining work, finding a hobby or performing chores. Some chronically unemployed people find themselves in hopeless situations. They aren’t able to find decent paying permanent jobs with decent benefits, they can’t afford to go back to school to earn a degree or certification and they often aren’t in positions to go into business for themselves. It can be fairly frustrating both for the person and the people around them. Since they really can’t do anything as they have no opportunity to do so, they often end up doing nothing. Seeing someone like this can also be depressing for others. You’ll often ask yourself “why is this person still here-why am I keeping them around when the situation is similar to how it would be if they were gone? The only real difference with them not being here is I wouldn’t have to constantly see them lounging around and doing nothing.”

One question to ask yourself is “if the shoe were on the other foot would this person tolerate the same situation and behavior from me?” If you feel the answer would be no you might want to consider parting company.

Jon

August 15th, 2016 at
6:57 PM

What’s always annoyed me is when outsiders suggest that the person “retire or go on disability” they wouldn’t be dealing with them 24/7/365 for the rest of your lives together you would be. It’s very easy for someone who deals with someone infrequently or not at all to suggest that they cease and desist working and stay home especially when they aren’t going to be hanging around the home of the person making this suggestion.

James

July 8th, 2016 at
6:19 AM

How about living with a chronically unemployed person who can’t keep a job (always getting fired or quitting) who has no life outside of work? When they have a job it’s temporary as sooner or later they are going to lose it for reasons well within their control. And when they don’t have a job they are around the house 24/7 getting on your last nerve causing you to wish-hope-pray that they find something soon even if it’s something that ultimately is only going to last for a year or less (given the person’s track record in these matters.) Sometimes you just want to punch the person in the face especially when they are laying in bed and/or watching television when you have to get ready for another horrible day of work. I don’t think as human’s we were meant to constantly be exposed to the same people every minute-second-hour of the day. People get on your nerves and sometimes you just get sick and tired of seeing them, even if they haven’t said-done anything to you, you simply get fed up with seeing them all of the time.

Lila W

August 15th, 2016 at
2:28 PM

Wow. It breaks my heart that so many other people are going through the same thing. I’ve been with my husband for about 7 years now. It’s only been a few months since my husband has lost his job, but I’m already feeling helpless being the bread winner. It wouldn’t be so bad if my husband would contribute his fair share of the house work but he spends most of his time feeling sorry for himself and playing video games. I feel horrible but it’s quite emotionally draining being married to someone who won’t help their self. It’s also hard to be sexually attracted to a man who just sits around all day and then want some love when you get home from a long day of work. I’m at my wits end. I’ve spoken to him about it before but he has always somehow made it out as though I’m being insensitive. i sometimes wonder if there is going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I need a man who can take care of himself. I’m tired; mentally and physically. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Dave

August 15th, 2016 at
8:20 PM

Just seems like a case of people picking some real “winners” and somehow feeling as though they are “stuck” with these people at this point in their lives. It’s a clear case of people who are unemployed by choice taking advantage of partners who are not going to leave them-kick them out in spite of the fact they are completely fed up with them or so they say.
These people don’t have to be unemployed, they could find and keep jobs if they wanted to, they could help out around the house if they wanted to but they elect not to because they know that you feel as though you are “trapped” and aren’t going to be able to easily get rid of them.
Your unemployed partners have become too comfortable and complacent they have no fear whatsoever that you are going to toss them out like yesterday’s trash or leave them for someone with some drive and ambition.

does not matter

August 26th, 2016 at
1:50 AM

My husband was either under employed or un employed by choice – most of our 25 years together. Well qualified too I might add. He chose to just run around to his various sporting pursuits, do the odd course and turn our two children into his personal performance sporting stars. The last period of unemployment was eight years. I became – by small but unrelenting progression of degrees, an absolute wreck. I pleaded for discussion. He’d call me names. I got tired of this and smacked him silly (don’t quote me the ‘violence is unacceptable’ crap, you weren’t there). I changed tactic, went all ‘peaceful’ and worked on a solution I could do alone. I calmly told him I was almost ready to remove myself from his life (let’s face it …it wasn’t mine) and he could keep the house that I’d paid for and everything in it, plus the car I had to buy him to try to find work. Yep, I’m that stupid. So… it ended like this. The last person he spoke to was our 19 year old daughter. He then drove away from her and took an overdose and died on a park bench. His parents blamed our daughter and me. So, now… my daughter has scraped through several near miss clinically dead but revived suicide attempts. See, she blames herself as much as his parents. So now, my two adult children and I suffer such ptsd, panic and anxiety, we rarely leave the house we were trying so hard to escape. So point is ladies, be careful around these types of men. You know them. So endearing, we keep them for years. There is too much fluff and fairy floss around all this stuff, you know, ‘relationships’ and ‘love.’ Not enough black and white hard speak from us old battle ships broad sided on deep waters and left listing to limp home. So here it is girls. Harden the eff up. Permanent marker your line in the sand. If it even looks like it’s breached by your ‘man’, get the hell out. Don’t look back, lose your phone, leave no trace. Don’t let them ruin YOUR life anymore, much less have them bail on your watch and break your children. Hear me.

A

J

October 20th, 2016 at
11:03 PM

I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years. We both dropped out of University and met at a call center after. We moved to a new city together last April so I could go back to school and she worked for 2 months during the Summer, but has been for the most part unemployed since last January. Since I finished school in the skilled trade sector I have been out applying to every contractor in the province. Job hunting has basically become my full time job (besides my non-related job) and I am a very determined person. I have no friends where I am and even started volunteering to build homes for Habitat for humanity in my free time to stay busy in the field, gain experience and make connections. I am 27 and she is 24. Ever since we’ve been dating, she continually talks about wanting to go back to school, but it’s been 2 years of not applying to any school and almost a year of not handing out any job applications. She spends most days playing video games and watching netflix and has no ambition. I feel like I am taking care of a 16 year old. She constantly wants to go on trips with her friends and vacations every month from unemployment while I’m left here taking care of her cat and when I tell her we can’t afford it, she says I’m being controlling? I’m beginning to become very frustrated and tired of working so hard to better our lives when she just sits at home or wants to go off and party. I can’t afford the place we live in now by myself until I get a better paying job and rely on her little contribution from her government cheques each month. I do love her, but I’m at the point in my life where I want to settle down, get house and start a family.

Jim

October 29th, 2016 at
4:38 PM

I have known my girlfriend for over over 15 years, we got serious the last 3 years…
She is 27, unemployed and lost her uncle and mother in the last 2 years…
I pay for everything even though i can’t, i find ways! And we don’t have sex. We only talk about money and once in a while we have dinner at her place 1 time a week max. I am so frustrated with her attitude and lifestyle…i do not know what to do anymore!

Please any advise would help, do i stay and continue this or do i part ways as hard as that would be!
Please help..

Blue

December 18th, 2016 at
6:10 AM

Honestly, the thing about I realized about people is that most of them don’t change, no matter what you do, unless they want to change. I think about important question to ask yourself is: do I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Can we carry each other past the winds of pain and challenges?

Angelica

December 24th, 2016 at
7:42 PM

This is CRAP advice. What if the person is purposelly stretching out the “unemployment”. Well I am not going to stand by and “meditate” why? because I have to work my a** off everyday and take bulls*** to make a living to support us both. I am the idiot who chose this stupid relationship and I will be the smart one to find my way out. Don’t take this persons advice. Cold hard truth, SAVE YOUR SELF. Yes. Be selfish, you deserve to live a good, happy, healthy, balanced life. Praying, meditating are just BANDAIDS and will not help you in a concrete way to get the bum off his a** to do something about it.

S

W

January 10th, 2017 at
11:11 PM

Another similar story here. My husband has been out of work for almost 5 years. Yes it’s 5 years !! He didn’t try to look for work or plan anything the first year – also the same time when our first son was born. He has a PhD but had no commercial experience so it’s extra difficult for him to look for work. I returned to work after my year-long maternity leave and only then he started looking. But of course no luck and I guess he got very discouraged. Now our two boys are 4.5 and 3 year old and in full time daycare. He cooks mainly and does a few hours of tutoring work here and there. But I have been the sole breadwinner ever since our kids were born. I have a lot of resentment towards him, thinking he is taking advantage of me so he can sit around and wait for his dream job while I don’t have a choice but to work hard given my job is a very stressful one. I suggested a few alternatives for him (back to school for a teaching degree and be a teacher, relocating to other cities with better job markets etc) but he just looked at you in silence, and then back to his old self. He does seasonal factory job from Sep to Dec in order to save up money to buy his gadgets during black friday and boxing day. He did buy me very decent Christmas gifts with his money. But I rather him chipping in to pay the bills. I don’t need expensive gifts, I need a husband that can offload my burden. I think my resentments come from all the responsibility on my shoulders, while he can just surf the web during the day and spend time on his photography hobby. I remember one night I came back from work, totally exhausted while dealing with the two active pre-schoolers. I was getting sick so I asked him to skip his photography club gathering that night. He was so frustrated and yelled he couldn’t even go out for one night. My heart was totally broken that night. I never had a day off with work and household chores. I pay bills, organize household, clean, take care of the kids. And when he couldn’t go to his social gathering, he yelled. I went to see the counsellor and she told me frankly that I have to be prepared things are not going to change for the rest of my life. So sad and helpless.

Jonathan T.

January 11th, 2017 at
9:25 AM

Thing’s really aren’t always what they seem. Sometimes unemployed people go looking for work and just don’t find it. They are either dismissed without even an interview or they get an interview followed by a rejection letter indicating that the company “has decided to go with someone else, and screw you, you’re out in the cold without a job or source of income and we couldn’t care less.” Being the runner up or coming in third or fourth place as a so called “finalist” for an open position really doesn’t amount to a hill of beans when you have bills to pay and have a family to support. A lot of times someone will get an interview and then get cut off at the knees where they’ll need to cancel or reschedule and end up missing out on the job. Someone just so happens to die or suffer a medical emergency when you have an interview scheduled, the car breaks down, the dog gets sick or any number of other inconvenient and unfortunate events occur resulting in you not making the interview, not getting the job and not being able to change your employment status any time soon.

Jon T

January 17th, 2017 at
5:35 AM

Imagine being with a partner who has been self-employed for close to 20 years and now either because of wanting to supplement their income or because their business is failing they need to return to the general workforce. You would think their skills and experience in sales, marketing, customer service etc. would be transferable to a number of positions… think again. Many companies will not even interview them for low level, part time positions or if they are interviewed don’t expect any offers to be made as many get interviews just to meet quotas or for the amusement of the interviewer. So although it’s tough returning to the workforce after being unemployed for a while, it can be as tough or tougher going back to it after being owning your own business.

S

January 15th, 2017 at
8:29 PM

My partner has been unemployed for six years. He left an excellent job without finding a new one – he assumed that he would be able to find something else. Unfortunately, he is in his 50s and does not have a college degree. Oddly, the employers of the world are not eager to take a chance.

He was trying to find something the first couple of years. That has pretty much stopped completely. So I have been the sole breadwinner for years now and all he does is complain. I work too much. I don’t have time for him. I make him feel bad with the slightest provocation – an eye ball roll, a tone of voice change. He hates the majority of my coworkers/friends and talks harshly about them. When we were renting a house we were nothing because we did not own a house. Now that we own a house, the house is not big enough, it’s not warm enough, it’s not laid out the way he wants. Thankfully he manages to find something to complain about constantly.

I have to work to support us. Unfortunately, that means I have to 50 hours a week or more. Should I quit and we can live on the streets? I am so sorry the house is not to your liking, perhaps if we were two working men we could have a warmer house? I am so tired of listening to his irrational and frankly ungrateful complaining 24/7. But I can’t tell him he is an ungrateful ingrate because it would further damage his self-esteem which I am told on the daily I have destroyed for him. News flash, he destroyed his own self esteem.

The best part is we have these nasty arguments every few months and he tells me he is leaving. The first 15 I was like please don’t go. Now I just let him threaten and hiss at me because where is he going to go? So he has these epic histrionics, I try to stay quiet no matter how much venom and nastiness he spews at me, and then he forgives me the next day. Oh Lucky me.

Which had lead me to just shutting down. I want to watch tv to escape. Lucky me he comes down with me and has me mute it every five minutes or so so that he can read some fascinating political thing or show me the latest angry cat video, which for those of you playing at home, I don’t care about. If I point out I am doing something, I am a monster. If I mute or pause the tv to look or listen to whatever gem he has found, I am a monster. He actively encourages me to do solitary things I enjoy, but when I do I have to stop quite often and run to his side to “help” him with something. It all feels super attention seeking – and since I can never give him enough attention it just feels pointless.

I spent today walking around stores with him. He doesn’t seem to get that after working 50-plus hours, meandering through a store, not buying the stuff we supposedly were going out for, and hearing at length how I should be grateful to be doing this together and that i should be nice, which nice means agreeing to whatever he wants and wanting deep in my soul to DO everything he wants, it is just exhausting.

When I am not specifically doing something wrong, I get to hear about how my family sucks. I tried to explain to him that while I agree with him, hearing about it constantly is not of interest. Which he logically interpreted as I don’t want to hear what he has to say about anything. I think I was just trying to get across that putting down my people in every conversation isn’t a fun chestnut we should pull out every dinner. When my family is not a topic, then it is president elect Trump and all the horrible things he has done or is going to do. How unfairly Mrs. Clinton was treated. And fun, he always manages to swing it back to how horrible my family is and how they voted Trump in. I don’t know how being solely focused on bad things going on in the world is helping either of us.

So I am trapped in this situation where he will never ever be happy. I have all the workload and absolutely no down time, when I am not dealing with difficult situations at work, I get to come home and deal with his unreasonableness. This post, while jumbled and emotional, Is probably the most cathartic thing I have done in the last few years. I cannot be his world, I cannot be his sole source of good self esteem, I cannot listen to the constant complaining.

Alia A

January 18th, 2017 at
11:36 AM

I am tired of this unemployment of my husband. he is not looking for job infact he started full-time college. he ask me to use my saving its been 10 months of our marriage i have been feeding him and his family. on top of it he says what have you done for us, he mentally torture me (by using abusive words about my family). i feel betrayed and cheated. he is not interested in sex with me. he don’t like me touching his cellphone, he feels i am spying on him. i don’t know what should i do. i am thinking of divorce.

Don Leo J

January 19th, 2017 at
3:10 PM

My roommate only works about 8 months out of the year. The remaining time his place of employment really doesn’t operate at full staff or at all (not sure which) and my roommate is technically “unemployed” during these periods. He does nothing to find year round employment or even find employment during the time that he is laid off from his job at the educational institution where he works as part of the kitchen staff. He only makes about $12 an hour and has around a half hour commute to and from. If this is the kind of work that there is that is getable for people, you can see why so many elect to remain unemployed.

Jono

January 29th, 2017 at
5:06 AM

Abusive people are abusive people it doesn’t matter if they are employed, underemployed or unemployed. With the latter two you may question why you are putting up with it and even tolerating the person when they are hardly working or not working at all more often. Even when they do work, they hardly make anything. Not that them making six million dollars a year would excuse their behavior or make them any more tolerable.

Alia A

December 18th, 2017 at
12:23 PM

Its not about money. It is about. Respect, responsibility and appreciation. Its been 2 years now but i dnt hv guts to tell him find a job. He is still unemployed n blaming me for all the failures in his life. I love him and that is holding me with him.

eleia r

March 29th, 2017 at
3:07 PM

wow! i have read many of these comments. and i have been many of these comments, in fact, i came to this website because this is my situation. i finally realized that my husband has been chronically unemployed, because he has a criminal background, he feels that this is what keeps him from getting a full time job. i have been supportive of my husband for the 3-4 years we been together. one year married. i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. you see I am a woman of faith and courage and I strongly believe in God. But reading these comments of people who have been in similar situations- not to mention my husband has two kids, and i dont have any- i have been doing what i can to support my husband. I think the thing that keeps me holding on is the fact that my husband cooks, cleans, and takes care of his own kids. He will go and do medical studies, which i suggest that you guys suggest to your husbands to do. Medical studies pay out a couple thousand dollars just to go and stay in facility and let them collect your blood or other vitals. Anyways, even that gets tiring because medical studies is like anything else, its not consistent, and its up and down, depending on if my husband keeps his weight down and his vitals right! I feel everyone’s pain- the depression, the sadness, the resentment, the anger- my husband has anger issues, he truly has a lack of self control when it comes to his emotions. My husband has been abusive in the past, but I came back. Listening to all of your stories, I am asking God is there any relief for us? I am asking God to relieve us all of this pain we have endured. I struggle with knowing if divorce is the right decision for me. I dont want to be 10 years from now and my husband is still chronically unemployed, angry, depressed, and taking it all out on me. If I could look into the future and see that divorce is the right decision and everything will be alright, that would definitely make divorce an easy option for me. But it is not because I fear God. We all need to seek God on this and truly turn to Jesus who is the only one who can ease our heavy burdens! I hope everyone continues to hold onto, suicide is not the solution and neither is losing our life to unnecessary stress. I send love and light your way and hope you find the guidance necessary to make the right decision for your life. God is able! Be blessed.

W

April 21st, 2017 at
8:09 PM

Thank you Eleia so much for your encouragement and sharing your story. I share how you feel and your faith with God. At times like this, it’s easy to lose faith, cos I feel like this is a punishment from God for me, as I married a non-believer. But thank you for reminding me to hold on to God. I pray that God will relieve us from the situation and guide us to see how we can love our husbands in this kind of difficult situation.

eleia r

April 22nd, 2017 at
9:16 PM

Amen. I am praying for you. I wanted to come back and share with everyone, my spouse now has a full time job and he is actually enjoying it and really working hard at it. Yes, things have gotten better. Just take it one day at time and keep praying because your situation can change if you trust in God. We have also been working on better communication and finding new ways to deal with anger..its all a process. Stay hopeful!

Goldstein

April 4th, 2017 at
9:17 AM

My father is a non driver who hates using public transportation and doesn’t have any reliable friends. When he’s out of work (he has a part of the year job so this is frequent) he just hangs around the house. Him not driving makes his periods of unemployment even worse. I’m sure his situation is not unique and there are other unemployed people who depend on others to get around either in terms of getting to interviews-work or just for errands and outings. Public transportation is not always preferable or even available.

P.Wells

April 22nd, 2017 at
12:14 PM

Wow, I don’t know to feel relieved or more depressed realizing that I’m not the only one going thru this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years now. I’m 39 and he is 40 and he might have worked 3 years in total. My kids are now grown and I now have a grandson now. My children use to love him but can’t stand the sight of him now. He has been abuse in the past and has a drink/drug problem. Actually I don’t think he even likes my children anymore. They both complain about each other and I’m always stuck in the middle. He has long criminal background and always uses that for an excuse. I’ve been homeless twice because of this which is extremely depressing because I’ve always worked two jobs. I’ve worked so much that I missed a lot of my children growing up and even with all the work had to deal with always telling my children no for them to do extra stuff in school because I couldn’t afford it, I got where I was working two full time jobs and almost killed myself working so much. I had to finally take a stand and stop. Now I work two part-time jobs. We where separated for 6 months and I lost my apt and was living with my son in my truck and my daughter with her friends. But I got myself out of the situation and now my son and I are good. But when my bf got out of jail he was homeless I wouldn’t let him come stay with us. Then he got really sick and my son felt sorry for him and asked him to stay with us. Now the same old stories. What makes it worst is when he was homeless he was focused and doing what he needed to do. But now its back to coming home with him saying he didn’t get stuff done because he was too tired and passed out. Tired from what lifting the remote? I got to the point where I resent him and is opinion doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I feel bad because I don’t like to be this way. And I know without me he has nothing, but I also resent that fact. I need someone who can hold their own so we can help each other. I’m to the point where enough is enough either change or leave. I really don’t expect him to change anymore and it hurts and makes me so angry. I love him and he says he loves me but I realized and what most of people in my situation must realize is that if the situation hasn’t changed in two years its not going to. We are just getting stuck in a terrible cycle. Even if we love someone we have to love ourselves and do what is best for the family as a whole not just one individual. Good luck to all the other partners out there dealing with the same situation.

Typecasted Unemployed Person

April 26th, 2017 at
11:40 AM

Being unemployed and not driving sucks. People never want to seem to help you get to or from an interview, but at the same time seem to take great pleasure in kicking you while you are down. Every time I asked someone for a ride to an interview they treated it like it was a “headache” and a “huge inconvenience” I even specifically set up interview dates and times based around their availability and still they made it out to seem like a “hassle.” I was treated like I was “lazy and unmotivated” but every time I set up an interview or wanted to go to a job far the laziness and lack of motivation on the part of other people to actually help me find work would shine through.
It’s really like people had me type cast as their “loser friend” or “loser relative” and attempts to change that were met with resistance.

Tammy

April 26th, 2017 at
1:07 PM

I’m confused. If you need to rely on other people to get to interviews, how could you make it to a daily job? You getting a job and going to interviews is your responsibility, not other peoples’. I wouldn’t categorize or suggest that you’re lazy or unmotivated but you really need to take control of your own life and not depend on or blame others for why you aren’t getting a job to support yourself. Otherwise, you’re making excuses.

Typecasted Unemployed Person

April 27th, 2017 at
10:49 AM

Carpooling to work is actually easier than having someone take you to and bring you back from an interview in a lot of ways. If you have similar start and end times and your workplace is close to theirs or even if you work in the same facility they could simply drop you off on the way and pick you up when they are done. There isn’t much or any inconvenience here as you provide company and can chip in for gas if need be. Plus, the person isn’t driving too far out of their way or losing time from their own life to make special trips. However, it can be quite the opposite as far as getting to interviews is concerned. It can be out of the person’s way, at a time that isn’t convenient for them and even if they have the day off they’d probably rather spend it doing things they find a little more “fun.” So many times people have said they’d help me only to have something “come up” or remember that they “had to do something.” Yet many of these people are among the more critical. I can and have used public transportation to get to interviews before but a lot of times it wasn’t reliable and kind of made a stressful and anxious situation even worse. Using it to get to work would be different as I’d be a little more used to it after a few times. I’m not sure why I never attempted to drive but my father stopped driving as a young adult for some reason and my parental great grandmother never drove. Bad eyesight and poor coordination runs in the family I suppose.

Frustrated!

April 28th, 2017 at
1:52 PM

I haven’t read ALL of these (wow, there are a lot of people in similar circumstances to mine), but what I really want to know is HOW to break up with a partner that is so dependent on you. What happens when you tell someone who has nothing that they don’t even have a home any longer?
My boyfriend of four years has got himself into the position where he doesn’t have a driver’s license, his car is not registered or insured (and he doesn’t drive it), and seemingly no motivation to get a job. He is even giving up his parental rights because he’ll never be able to make up for all the back child support. If I break up with him and kick him out, he literally has nowhere to go. We’ve only been in this state for a little over a year and haven’t made friends, and his family/friends are 800 miles away and are going through their own insanity and couldn’t help him anyway.
I care about him, I don’t want him to suffer, how do I handle this?

A

July 4th, 2017 at
12:58 AM

i am newly married and just found out i’m pregnant for the first time in my life. I gave my now-husband an ultimatum before we got married. He needed to find a ‘real’ job or I would leave him. He was employed at a job–barely working 5-10 hours a week- for over a year prior to that. He was supposed to be looking for a stable job while working the part-time job, but instead, he played WOW for hours on end on the couch.

Alas, too many major wedding expenses were paid by my parents and me before I realized how bad things had gotten w/ his lack of motivation and CHRONIC laziness, and like a coward, I didn’t call of the wedding. Of course, like many others on here, I was afraid to leave him for other complex reasons that are hard to describe. Immediately before the wedding, he got fired from his stupid measly job. I found out i’m pregnant last week. HE HAS NOT APPLIED FOR A SINGLE JOB since losing his other crappy one over a month ago. He has not applied for a single one since learning I am pregnant.

I can barely afford all of our expenses and we are living pay check to pay check. He owes me thousands of dollars at this point. How am I going to afford a poor little baby? I am SICK of being there for him financially and mentally while getting little in return. I can no longer be patient. I can barely be in the same room with him without becoming uncontrollably angry.

I can’t imagine terminating a pregnancy and/or leaving him but I am so lonely and confused. I have been crying for days. I am a hardworking, compassionate, kind person. My life was not supposed to turn out like this…I let this happen because I thought I could ”fix’ a man. I am so stupid.

Kelly

Gina

July 4th, 2017 at
8:05 PM

My situation is different than most. I have been self employed for 8 years and got my LLC 3 years ago. The business has grown a lot in the past few years and is highly successful, which I am grateful for. My husband of over 20 years decided he was not happy in his public service job and wanted to start his own business. We planned for 8 months on him quitting. It is now 1.5 years since he quit and his business has not even started. I trusted he would do what he was passionate about but so far I am disappointed and am increasingly unhappy in our marriage. He is working one day a week at a part-time job. The reasons for the business not taking off-we do not have the space he needs in our current home to do his business. The garage has not been cleaned out to make room for him to have his area. We then decided to add a building but there has to be land preparation for that. It will cost between $5,000 and $8,000 to get the land how it needs to be and then the cost of getting a building. I made the mistake of trusting things would move forward not putting him on a timeline for his start up. I feel I resent this more and more each day. There are things he does here at home in the warm months. Most days in cooler months cause me to get angry as I don’t see him accomplishing anything. Everytime I bring something up about him not starting the business, I feel he shuts down. I have had to start on anti-anxiety medicine as I felt like I was about to “wig” out and keep distancing myself which I know isn’t good for our marriage. Working many hours through the week, I can’t figure out why he won’t move forward. I really wish I had asked a lot more questions about what his plans were. I do not want to separate or divorce, but I am trying to figure out how to discuss this without upsetting him and his ego. We talk about a lot but our communication is very poor on the issue.

K

July 20th, 2017 at
12:56 PM

Even writing this feels like a betrayal of my husband, but like S, I’m hoping that it will be cathartic and helpful for me, so here goes. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and three months. I feel partially responsible, as we moved to a new state right after we got married so I could take a new job, and he has been unable to find employment here. Yes, this also means he has been unemployed for the entirety of our new marriage. Half of the problem is that I honestly don’t think he is searching that well – notice I said WELL, not HARD – he is trying hard, but has not searched for a job in nearly 15 years and is definitely not aware of current best practices. This leads me to wonder not when, but if he will be able to find a job in his field; he does not know how to sell himself and has not been successful in interviews he’s had. This also leads him to wonder why, as a perfectly capable professional in his field, he can’t find work. My suggestions aren’t being taken anymore, at this point, I think he’s so afraid of rejection, he doesn’t even want to try. The other half of the problem is his depression. The emotional roller coaster we both are on is not new to anyone reading this thread – the excitement of job potential, the crushing defeat of not securing the job, the depression and inaction following that defeat. More than anything, this depression has changed my husband. While always snarky and witty, he now hates everything. EVERYTHING. Everything he experiences is the world being awful or out to get him. As a positive person, it is incredibly draining to me to not only be the breadwinner and emotional cheerleader, but also to only hear negative things from him and never be able to voice my own concerns. My grandmother passed away two months ago, and it was a really tough time for me, as it brought other family issues to light. He was supportive for the week when I was really down, but in mentioning the upcoming memorial service (delayed due to the aforementioned family issues) this morning, he said he “had completely forgotten about it,” as he had other things on his mind. It felt so incredibly selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless that my entire morning has been spent crying and looking up articles like this one. I probably need to see a therapist. I wish that he recognized that I am constantly trying to support him, walking on eggshells all the time, and even doing all the things on that “honey-do” list myself, because even going to a busy grocery store or waiting in line at a restaurant can set him off at this point. I feel worried about our marriage, because I sometimes truly think he is wallowing where he could be being stronger and more grateful for all that we do have. More than anything, I am so so so tired. Tired of being the breadwinner, tired of not having enough money to do what we want, tired of his negativity, tired of friends asking why he doesn’t just get a job at Starbucks (which always leads me to think that they are judging my marriage, as if a good husband would get a job at Starbucks), and just tired in general. I want to sleep for about a year. Maybe when I wake up, he’ll have a job. Haha. #laughsoyoudon’tcry

W

October 29th, 2017 at
9:26 PM

I hope your situation now gets better. Same as your situation, we moved to a totally new city (and country) because of my family situation and my husband hasn’t landed on a permanent job for quite a long time and that got him depressed even he didn’t admit it at all. My heart goes out to you as I know how difficult it is to be the breadwinner and lives with a negative person who whines all the time and blames everyone and the society for everything but never himself.
It takes time and courage for him to realize he has his problem. My husband finally does not deny his depression (he will never admit it but he will be silent instead of being defensive). I think that’s the “bad time” that we have to honor in our marriage vow. Not easy but hang in there.
Hope you will have some good news to share soon.

Mr. Goldstein

August 2nd, 2017 at
4:51 AM

The root of the problem is an over abundance of average and mediocre people who have nothing particularly special about them. These people all apply for the same jobs and therefore there simply aren’t enough jobs to go around. In a lot of cases, great people end up sidelined in favor of the average and mediocre ones who are able to manipulate their way into the job by giving all of the “correct” answers to interview questions. This is why so many people are unemployed because they are great, equivalent to franchise caliber free agents in sports and they are found to be “weird or intimidating” due to hiring managers being used to average and mediocre people. So it probably isn’t a case of people “not trying hard enough” or “not seriously looking for work.” In many cases, there simply isn’t work to be found unless you have some kind of specialty like a degree in the medical field or something.

Cristin

Isabel

August 20th, 2017 at
9:12 AM

I’m Ms Y. with a twist. Husband unemployed for over a year. He was replaced with an #H1B contractor from India after working at that company for 10 years. My salary will barely cover expenses. I live in fear of emergency expenses. My twist is that I’m not in great health. I really need to retire but now I can’t because everyone here depends on my paycheck and my benefits. And yes, I’m tired of all the commentary to be supportive of the person unemployed as if the person left holding the financial bag isn’t even more in need. I don’t really see a light at the end of this tunnel since the information technology sector has been decimated by imported labor & responses to his resume are few and far between.

Blue

August 20th, 2017 at
9:37 AM

It’s really hard with what happened to your family. I understand the strain having been through similar situations myself. When that happened I just tried to help the person gain more skills either online or with classes. I was also helping the person apply for positions he didn’t think to apply for and kept an open mind for listings. Eventually things came up.

Tony

August 30th, 2017 at
4:35 AM

The longer someone has been out of the general workforce the harder it is to get back into it. People can be out for a variety of reasons; illness, retirement, unemployment, a desire to start their own business, to become a stay at home parent/caregiver, to go back to school full time etc. But whatever the reasons, unless you have connections your odds of finding a job after being removed from the workforce for a long period of time are about the same as winning the lottery and being struck by lightning at the exact same time on the exact same day.

Goldstein

September 18th, 2017 at
7:33 AM

I agree it’s because most employers can’t afford to take a chance on someone who raises red flags and might as well have a question mark about their reliability-dependability and whether they would even be any good tattooed to their forehead. Some people leave you with more doubts after you interview with them and meet them in person than you had prior to doing so. I have met a lot of people who looked good on paper but in person they were major disappointments and not at all what they had portrayed themselves to be. One guy who was supposedly this “master salesman” couldn’t even sell me on why I should give him a chance and I gave him the “sell me this pen” test and he wasn’t even above average with it. In fact when I gave him this test he seemed to become annoyed-angry and I didn’t get a vibe that he was an even tempered type of person.

Jon E.

September 2nd, 2017 at
4:56 AM

If your partner is out pounding the pavement actively seeking work that they are qualified-more than qualified to do and not finding it the “problem” may not entirely be on them. Maybe your partner is a little “too good” for the jobs they are going for and/or makes the insecure hiring manager feel threatened that your partner may take their job or leap frog over them and become their boss. So naturally, they not only want to prevent that from happening, they want to send your partner away feeling less than and thinking that something must be “lacking” within themselves to make them “not good enough” to even be offered the position that they (your partner) thought (and was probably correct) that they would be “perfect” for. On the other end, maybe the hiring manager “liked” your partner and wanted to “spare” them from working in a less than ideal environment for a “horrible boss”, maybe the hiring manager believed that the job would be “beneath” your partner (as though that was actually the hiring managers decision.) The end result is the same, your partner being rejected yet again and you blaming them and them blaming themselves. It’s a horrible situation all around.

Marvelous Marvin

October 20th, 2017 at
6:40 AM

Things aren’t always as they appear. People you view as “lazy, nothing happening bums.” May be tirelessly working to improve themselves and their situations, but you just don’t or won’t see it. Rather than passing judgement on them and their situations, why not help them out. Not saying give them a hand out but I’m sure a hand up would be greatly appreciated.
And I lost count of how many times someone was scolded for “blowing/passing up an incredible opportunity.” When in reality that so called “opportunity” was little more than a scam or wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. In some cases the opportunity is legit, but comes along at an inopportune time such as when someone has a relative who is dying, has died or is seconds/minutes away from death. If they were to jump at that opportunity now, they’d likely have to take time off for a funeral relatively soon and that wouldn’t look too good. So they might think “I’ll wait until so and so passes and this situation is resolved and then I’ll return to the job hunt.”

Dave

November 9th, 2017 at
4:02 AM

I was often encouraged not to work until my benefits ran out or were about to. I’m glad I didn’t listen and continued going on interviews and performing odd jobs for people just to keep busy. I didn’t eventually find work as my persistence paid off. Often when my job prospects tapered down a bit, the very same people who were encouraging me not to work would kick me when they thought I was down. It seems like they wanted me not to work so they could call me “lazy” “unmotivated” a “leech on society” and all sorts of other things. You certainly find out who your phony friends are when you’re out of work.

Dave

November 9th, 2017 at
4:05 AM

I meant to say in my last comment that I did (as opposed to didn’t) eventually find work I apologize for the typo.

Mike

November 9th, 2017 at
4:48 AM

The ignorance of certain people about the hiring process and that sometimes there are more factors involved that go beyond the person who isn’t hired is appalling. Many people placed the blame squarely on me when I didn’t get an offer and had little regard for the amount of competition I was up against and the incompetence of the people who couldn’t see the value I could bring to their organizations although some of them could see it but were threatened by it. Even my own girlfriend blamed me without considering other reasons why I wasn’t getting offers. I perceived many of my interviews to be fake as in they already hired someone and/or were interviewing me merely to meet/exceed a quota and had no intention of making me an offer. A few times I felt discriminated against being a middle aged white guy who is a couple of pounds overweight to boot.

David

December 16th, 2017 at
6:33 PM

This thread has been alive for 7 years…and the excuses just keep coming in for why some people choose to live off of the work of others around them. If you are out actively seeking employment and honestly giving your best effort AND you are working any job (even if it’s flipping burgers or being a Walmart greeter) you can find until you get back into your career job….then this thread isn’t about you, because you are making an effort. If you live with someone who IS making this effort but you REFUSE to see it, and you refuse to accept that good paying jobs don’t grow on trees, and that there is discrimination our there…then this thread isn’t for you. If you suffer from some Doctor diagnosed condition which prevents you from doing more and you are actively participating in treatment…then this thread isn’t directed at you. This thread is about those who are jobless and just continue to make excuse after excuse after excuse; who don’t actually attempt to find another job (and won’t admit it), and expect those around them to pay for them to live. Fake interviews, you’re overweight, they didn’t like you…blah blah blah are you kidding me?? Here’s an idea, if you need to change something about yourself…GO CHANGE IT! You’re sitting at home anyways. Get off the bloody couch and go lose weight, go take some confidence building training, look for companies seeking interns, volunteer, gain experience, but most importantly GO GET ANY PAYING JOB AVAILABLE IN THE MEAN TIME!!! Contribute to the family. Stop destroying your family. Stop abusing the people around you. Life isn’t fair? Too bloody bad. Grow up and move on. Stop being such a bloody snowflake. No one promised you or owes you anything. Am I being mean or rude? Am I not looking at it from your perspective? Do I need to be more understanding? Too bad. You’re not 5 years old anymore, and there are no excuses for what you’re putting your family through. Participate in life, or make everyone’s life easier and get out.

Belinda

Lee

February 15th, 2018 at
4:58 AM

My wife became unemployed over 15 years ago. I have a good career, so there was no immediate pressure for her to find employment. So she never did. Now I am in my mid 60’s and while I always have and still can cover the bills, it looks like retirement is out of the question for me. There is no way I can retire and maintain her health coverage and lifestyle. Cautionary tale. DO NOT LET IT GO ON. We live in a two income age. People find jobs every day. I assure you that while it is rough, yes, it is still possible. Possibly it was misleading to state that during this time I have a good income. This leads one to believe that my position is steady. Well this income has come from 7 different employers. I have found job after job. Knowing that the pressure was on and not wanting to put that on her, I succeeded in finding higher and higher paying jobs to cover for her loss. I am no rocket scientist. No collage degree. Just a hard worker. So, no excuses. Get them to get out and find a job. It can be done, and is done by others every single day.

Tracy

April 16th, 2018 at
11:58 AM

My husband has been out of work for the last 7 1/2 years it is taking it’s toll and if I hear another person tell me to hang in there as there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am still trying to find the end and switch on the light I often ask myself what have I done to deserve this as life is not fair. I feel for all the ladies that are the bread winners as the husbands get to a stage that they just give up as they cannot get work. Who feels for us ladies that are trying to make ends meet – it is good life if you don’t weaken. I tell myself that it can’t go on like this forever but when is this disaster going to come to an end. So to all who are supporting their better halves I take my hat off to you as I know what you are going thru.

W

k

Cas

October 12th, 2018 at
1:14 AM

I am in a similar situation, my husband hasn’t worked for 4 years. He freelanced for maybe the first year of unemployment, probably made $3k in the year. He has applied for a handful of jobs in that time, he has really good experience but nothing has come of it. To make matters worse I am working in a job I hate because I can’t afford to move elsewhere as I would probably have to take a pay cut and we just can’t afford it. He helps out at home, takes daughter to school and things, does housework and cooks probably half the time but I’m just so tired and teary all the time. I don’t want to work in the job I’ve got but I know I can’t leave as I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills we have no savings as every time I get close to being able to put something aside an emergency crops up with our daughter who lives away at university and I have to fly out to her or pay for her flight back to us.

Armando

May 29th, 2018 at
4:38 AM

I have worked since i was 18 and 1/2 of that full time and half of that part-time. I am 53. I earned probably $1 million in that time; and lost about $120,000 on shares and forex trying to escape the mice race. When i met my wife when she was my girlfriend, i was working. I have worked for the past 6 years of our marriage; but, in the past 14 months i have been trying to find a better solution than chasing a paycheque. So, i have been working on a book and a website which do have a good chance of success; but they are difficult to finish. I am also looking for part-time or full-time work, although i have been working for 27 years. I own my own home and it is rented. She owns her own property, works as a senior finance manager, has always been able to outearn me and she earns $165,000 annually (plus). Yet, she fights with me frequently because i am not bringing in enough money (i often offer to pay for bills but she declines). When she starts a fight, i guess it really is over money, although it might not be apparent at the time. I think our marriage of 6 years is ending, because she despises men and hates her father and brother (her brother became a drug addict and put the family through HELL for 20 years and now, she sees all men as useless. I have never seen her father compliment her or hug her; but he is not afraid to ask her for money). How to solve this problem? Even when i was working, she often went into fits of rage and even started hitting herself and crying, because she feels exploited. In reality and on paper, she is a millionaire and yet, feels she can never stop working due to her difficult family background, when, as a teenager, her father went bankrupt and told her to find a job at 15, My wife is Singaporean and I am British.

Rick

January 28th, 2019 at
10:34 AM

I’m never recommending my nephew for another job where I work ever again and it was a terrible mistake the one and only time I did it. He was always angry to be there and always had a nasty scowl on his face treating the job like it was demotion compared to what he had done previously. We’re talking about a food service job, he worked in retail I view these industries as being largely similar if not the same in many respects. His job wasn’t even really all that bad and he was told what it would entail/signed on willingly. Why he was so angry and resentful about it is beyond me.

Greg

January 28th, 2019 at
9:55 AM

Me and my brother are currently not speaking because he insists on mooching off of my parents/other people instead of earning an income of his own. He’s nearly 38 years old and still lives at home. He insists that he runs an online business, but obviously if there is any truth to this it isn’t really doing too well. Part of the reason (s) we currently aren’t speaking is I stuck my neck out and got him a job working with me at a restaurant located inside of a retirement community. He was doing fine performance wise, but was always in an angry mood with a boo boo face saying little to nothing to co-workers. He barely spoke aside from venting about how much he “hated it” and how he “really didn’t want to be here.” luckily when he’d go on one of these tirades few (if any people) were in the kitchen to notice. He lasted just over a month before he stormed out and quit (on a day I wasn’t working.) Had he simply lasted 90 days I would have made $600 as a recruitment bonus, but Oh well. I wouldn’t care if after 90 days he left and found another job, but the fact that he always acted like it was “beneath” him and was always pissed just to be there performing the duties of the job. He agreed to the job and it was clearly explained what it would entail so it’s not like anyone twisted his arm or held a gun to his head or even mislead him about what would be involved.

W

January 31st, 2019 at
10:52 PM

The thing is they don’t ever feel it is their responsibility to get a job and support themselves. They think they need to get a job that they like or that they want to do. Why ? That’s because there is always someone in their lives picking up their messes, paying the bills. They just don’t see or even appreciate a lot of people doing what they hate, day in and day out, in order to be a responsible person, paying bills and supporting the family. These are the people who does not grow up.

Unfortunately, my husband is one of those people. I didn’t think at the beginning, but now that I think about it, I think the reason he married me was because he knew I had a high paid job and could sustain him while he just does what he likes to do. He lives in my house, I pay for all the expenses, including the two kids’ full time child care. I asked him once if we divorce, what is he going to do ? Instead of saying he would go get a job, he said he would move back to his parents. What else can you say to this kind of people ??

Payton

February 27th, 2019 at
3:26 PM

I’ve been dating a guy (I am 21 and he is 28) for 9 months and his contract job ended right when we started getting serious. He has only paid for two dates since I’ve known him and lived with his parents when we met because he had little to no money. He was in a depressing state and recently lost his car due to an accident and license due to an unpaid ticket. Since I loved him, I bought him a car and paid off his ticket and got his license renewed. I always paid for every activity we did and eventually he became depressed living with his parents so he moved into my apartment. It has been 6 months since he moved in and he hasn’t helped a lick with anything. When his parents give him a little bit of money, he spends it on himself. He told me in October 2018 that he would have a job, it is nearly March and he’s only been to a handful of interviews and sleeps till noon. To top it off, he gets mad at me when i get home from working because I “won’t cook” or “do his laundry”. He expects me to buy his gas and food, doesn’t even say thank you. His friends and family all think he has a job, so I’m the only one who gets to get taken advantage of financially. Everytime I try to talk to him about it he says I’m “b***hing” and “not being a supportive gf”, like dude I’ve been supportive for 9 months. He even told me he had a job and that he started monday, and then Sunday came and suddenly he found out he didn’t have the job. I know he’s a liar and a loser, I feel like sh**, like I’m being used and everything I’ve done and am currently doing is all for nothing. Not to mention he was the one I chose to give my V-card too. I’m not stupid, I’m aware I need to leave him. But I’ve invested so much of myself physically, emotionally, and financially, that I am scared sh**less to give it up. I have become very depressed and anxious thanks to him and this relationship and I’m slowly starting to feel like it is my fault, not his. I’m on the verge of crying all day and when I tell him I’m stressed, somehow he is “more stressed because he has to listen to me complain when he’s trying to find a decent job” . All he does is complain, but yet I’m never allowed AND I’m the one doing EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

Jamie

February 28th, 2019 at
8:05 AM

If you’re here, then you’re looking for help and answers, but unlike a lot of us, you’re not stuck. Yes it is easy to move on by moving out. You’re just starting out good and you alright have a bum trying to weigh you down with his problems. Swipe right to someone else.

Jojo

February 28th, 2019 at
9:21 PM

Dear girl,
You already know what to do. You have to face up to the fact this guy set you up to be the heavy lifter while he does as he pleases. As you said, you are not stupid. And you sound very responsible for 21. I wish I had been as mature as you at that age. But it is hard to admit you have been wrong about someone you had such loving feelings for. Yes, you spent 9 months on this guy. Now imagine the rest of your life with someone like this. And don’t think he cannot do more damage. It can get much worse. Consider this a 9 month course you paid for to see what you do not want in a partner. He fooled you. How did he do that? Why did you fall for him? Try to recognize how he got to you and be more discerning next time. I am way old but am still learning about unsavory people with no problem using others. You are smart to learn so early. This will prevent a world of problems for you later.

Big Bad Rick

March 2nd, 2019 at
9:47 AM

Although technically I am not unemployed I recently quit a second job that I worked part time and absolutely hated, the job made me miserable and brought about several changes to my personality for the worse. I was actually having nightmares about the place and felt I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Since I quit this particular job, my girlfriend has been continually throwing it in my face how I quit with little to no notice and the fact that the extra money I was making was a “nice bonus” in spite of the fact how miserable I was and how I already do have a primary job. I’m strongly considering giving her an ultimatum to either get over it and move on, or I’m gone. I for the life of me can’t figure out why she is so hung up on me quitting a secondary job that I was just working for extra money and how little she cares about how miserable it was making me. It really makes her appear rather greedy like she only cares about the extra money I was bringing in as opposed to caring about me and my well being.

Kyoshi

June 26th, 2019 at
9:28 AM

Utter drivel and insensitivity and cowardice in the comments for the most part. You have the choice to move on if you don’t want or cant help your partner! The last thing you or your partner needs is your resentment, so choose what you are comfortable with and do it. Feeling animosity toward your partner because you choose to support them but proceeding to guilt them for it is no help for anyone involved.

No longer in this leaky boat

September 15th, 2019 at
5:42 AM

I last posted on Jan 23, 2015, I was totally miserable back then. It is now more than 4.5 years later, I am happy to report things are VERY different now. My husband has been back at work for 3 yrs. Thank goodness! Things are back to normal, we are not going backwards financially, and we can now go back to our old ways of holidays and dinners and new clothes.
It really offends me that some people have posted that us partners with non-working husbands are money hungry or man bashing. It was never that for me. My issue was that I never felt supported when we were in this situation – that he wasn’t doing anything around the house whilst I worked 60 hrs a week, that he wasn’t trying to find a job, that he wasn’t happy for my work related successes. It was not the lack of money so much as these other 3 factors. I have never been out of work this long, the longest was 3 months, but in those 3 months, you can be assured the house was never cleaner, all meals were prepped from scratch (no takeaways), and I was happy for him if things went well.
I can not tell you how angry I was when I would get home from a long day at 7pm, knowing that he slept in, didn’t clean the house, didn’t do the washing, didn’t mow the lawn, left his dirty dishes in the sink, didn’t look for a job, didn’t do the grocery shopping and then ask ME what I was cooking for dinner? Wow. THAT was my issue.

Squirrels Work harder

September 23rd, 2019 at
4:02 AM

My boyfriend refuses to work. He has anxiety and depression its the worst. Sometimes he can be the nicest person in the world other times the worst. It has been at least a year that I have been financially supporting both of us. All the stress and pressure is on me it completely drains me. I am so resentful towards him. I do not respect him at all but I do love him. I am extremely unhappy with out financial situation. Even some of his debt is in my name. Its so hard because I love him so much :( every day he looks at my bank account and pressures me about money. Every. frikin. Day. I am unhappy with his family what kind of family does a man like that come from? How was he brought up exactly? i am hurt stressed and angry. If i bring it up i am the selfish one etc bla bla bla

Anna

February 22nd, 2020 at
10:04 PM

My husband gets EXACTLY like this whenever he’s between jobs. You need to STOP enabling your boyfriend by taking care of him. Do not cook for him, do his laundry, please buy your own food, eat out, cut off his cell phone, the cable. Don’t provide a club med at home life for him. He needs to FEEL THE PAIN of his choice not to work. Then if after all this, he STILL WONT GET A JOB…YOU MUST LEAVE THIS MAN CHILD. You are not his mother, it is not your job to take care of him. PLEASE do NOT go back to him, until he’s stable at least 6 months in a new full-time decent job. You must stop his “earn-nothing, I don’t have to work and contribute” mentality. You are ASKING to remain abused in this way if you stay with him….beyond ridiculous on your part.

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