Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Lately, you can’t turn around without hearing in the media of some new assail on women. Conservatives want to arrogate our birth control, enforce policies surrounding the abortion process, shame us, and generally remove our ability to have firm indisputable say in our reproductive choices. Oh, and no pleasure fucking.

Although I’m not completely sure where the archaic regression is stemming from, I expect it’s a culmination of quiet conspiracies amongst middle-aged to gray-haired conservative white men to “get back to the good ole days,” over the past 30 years. You know, the days when women focused on cupcakes, not futures.

I’ve always thought that if we can contain this kind of absurdity to that particular demographic, that we will ultimately prevail in the evolution of equality and fairness. After all, misogynistic white guys are a dying breed, right? They will eventually all die off from disproportionate consumption of red meat and pain pills, right? Nope. The frightening truth is that they are growing and harvesting a whole new army of chauvinistic minions, waiting hungrily to take the reins when they kick the bucket.

My ultimate, and truly bizarre realization of this came in the most unlikely of places. I was out rejoicing my partial Irish-ness on St. Patrick’s Day when it happened. A young, 23- to 25-year-old guy confidently walked up to me and pretend masturbated onto my leg, and then pretend threw it into my face. Yes, you read it correctly, and it’s appropriate to laugh … it’s that ridiculous. He made both stroking and ejaculating hand motions, full out, with conviction and facials to boot. Then he pointed to his friends, who were watching in approval, then joined them for a victory celebration.

Now typically I would have launched into a very loud and impassioned Julia from Designing Women style monologue, but no words came, due to what I can only assume was total shock. I simply stumbled over to him and asked if that had actually just happened, to which he affirmed and then shared credit for his brilliance with his friends. All I could muster in response was “Holy shit.”

Let’s be clear: I am not easily offended, nor do I take things personally on the regular. I am a young, obviously liberal of mind female who works in the banking/financial industry. I punch my card to the boys club daily. My skin may as well be laminated, so much rolls off without effect. But there are boundaries that are self-explanatory, and I’m fairly certain that publicly jizzing on a stranger is one of them. That’s bold.

It is truly terrifying to think that a whole new generation is buying into the garbage being peddled by the current ranks of right-winged He-man woman haters. Even Spanky and the other Rascals realized their wrongs and allowed girls into the club in the end. Why can’t some grown men get a clue and figure out appropriate behavior? I can only fear and dread what may be around the corner if these kinds of things continue to get a pass. Victoria’s Secret will start selling PINK chastity belts so that girls can stay pure for their future husbands, and we’ll all have to invest in stylish helmets to avoid getting clubbed and drug from the bar.

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