Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm becoming a big fan of not caring. Partly this is because I already have too much going on in my head to add anything more to the mix, but mostly it's because so many things are so deeply uninteresting. Or perhaps it's that we're oversaturated with information, to the point where things that might have been interesting at one time simply can't compete with everything else that's going on.

Whatever.

To make room for new things, here are the latest things I refuse to think about anymore:

1. Jon & Kate's Marital ProblemsShe's a megashrew and he's an overgrown frat boy (and not in a good way). They got married too young, had too many babies, and now they realize they never really liked one another in the first place. It happens. A lot. Divide up the kids and the money and get out of our faces.

2. Sean and Robin Wright Penn's On-Again, Off-Again MarriageEnough already, Sean. The Boy Who Cried "Divorce" routine won't win you another Oscar. Never mind that you stole the last one from Mickey Rourke anyway. But I digress.

3. Adam Lambert Losing on American IdolListen, I love the guy. I'd buy his album or see him in concert in a heartbeat. But did Adam lose because America is homophobic? Frankly, I don't think the "voting" has anything to do with who wins, if you get my meaning. To put it another way, now 19 Recordings has two potential moneymakers, something they wouldn't have if The Other Guy didn't have the AI winner label attached to him.

4. The Fashion ShowWithout Heidi and Tim, all the camp and magic has been sucked out. Besides, the only two cute guys on the show are both gone already. The remaining cast is like the roster of a Tod Browning film as made by second graders. I'll wait for the return of Runway.

5. The Summer Movie SeasonUntil someone opens a no talking, no eating, no texting, no children, no gum popping, no crinkling, no cell phoning, no asking me to move over because you came in late theater, I'll wait for the DVD.

6. The Summer Concert SeasonLast year nobody would go with me to see Lordi at Ozzfest or to see the Cheap Trick/Heart/Journey show. This year I'm not even trying. And don't even think about asking me to go with you to see R.E.O. Speedwagon and Foreigner. You had your chance.

7. My BellyI'm 40. I sit around all day writing. I like pie. Deal with it.

8. The Demise of the NewspaperI'm a fan of the newspaper. Mostly for the crossword puzzles. But let's face it, as a news source papers are obsolete. By the time they're printed we've already read about whatever it is online. Also, they waste trees. So unless you give readers something interesting--something they can't get anywhere else--don't expect them to keep reading. Change or die people. Change or die. Just ask the brontosaurs. Or, on the other hand, Madonna.

9. Where the 49ers and/or A's Will GoThis is a local thing, I know, but it's seriously tedious. Watching the dance the teams and the cities courting them are doing is about as entertaining as watching Matlock reruns. Which is to say only if you're playing drinking games. I don't care where a bunch of overpaid guys will be chasing balls around in 2013, or if Shamu will have to move so someone can have stadium parking.

10. Ingrown HairsNo matter what razor I use I seem to always have two of them on my neck, and always in the same place. Then I poke at them and they get all red and unpleasant. I'm 40. I don't need this shit.