What’s all the fuss about submission in marriage?!

Good morning. Current situation: It is 6:07 am and I am typing away as I sit on my bed. O is re-ironing his shirt in the laundry room because it just never stays well-ironed. I have packed lunch and I am dangerously at risk of not leaving the house before 6:20! But I just have to let this one out…

I am an interesting person (if I may say so myself). As ‘modern’ as I may appear, I am a totally traditional person at heart. This means I expect(ed) to be wooed and to front for a while and then eventually to agree and for the man to be feeling so grateful to God, not believing his good fortune that he found such a good thang! This also means that I believe that my husband is the head of our home. Aside of being traditional, I have learned the paths God expects us to tow in life and I believe that it is for a woman to submit to her husband and for her husband to love her and for them both to submit to one another in love. The Bible says in Ephesians 5:22, Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.

A few people have asked me, “what exactly does it mean to submit to your husband?” “Temi, does that mean you let O walk all over you whilst you obediently coo at him waiting on him for the next set of instructions?” The answer is very radical and should encourage those that are single to ensure they marry the right man, the type they can genuinely submit to the way the Lord intends.
Submission is defined as the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person. Another definition states that it is the ​act of ​allowing someone or something to have ​power over you. Submission means to accept a contrary view and go with something you do not necessarily agree with and not sulk in disappointment wishing the plans fail so you can say “I told you so”. Submission does not mean allowing your husband say his own and then use your woman power to conquer him into agreeing with you. It means going with his flow and praying and hoping to God that river is flowing in the right direction! This is earth shattering. It means if you are in the passenger seat and the man is driving and you see him heading in the wrong direction, you cannot wrestle the wheels from him! All you can do is remember that the heart of the king is the hands of the Lord and like a river of waters, He can turn withersoever He willeth. Because, girl, your man is your king. Have you seen how kings are treated? Have you ever seen anyone argue with a king openly. Have you seen a king slapped in public or ridiculed?

What this means is that you have to be very careful who you marry. You have to be careful whose decision will prevail in your life. You have to be careful who will train toyr children. You have to be careful whose leading you will follow when opinions differ and yes, they will! You cannot afford to be driven into the bush so you must go with (a) a good driver; and (b) someone who knows the Way. You need a man who understands that submission is not a license to be abusive to you or to be inconsiderate.

This is NOT what submission in marriage means!!!

It is more a responsibility than a privilege to be submitted to. It means God looks at you as a man to give account of how you have led your home. It’s like being a team leader. A team leader is to lead and be obeyed but when its time to give reports, it is the team leader who gets marked down for leading his team astray or praised for doing well. As young single ladies, you need to assess the man you are with: can I trust you? Are you being led by God or you are just going to be doing your own thing? Do you love God? Are you a good person? Will you teach our children good morals?

Submission is serious business people. It is especially humbling when you are clear in your mind that your views are superior yet you have to obey. I have read about Queens Vashti and Esther and learned how to treat a man. Whilst the Vashti context might be inapplicable in our times, the underlying principle remains incontrovertible. You have to submit to your husband. You have to learn how to approach your head/your king when you wish to convey your differing views. First of all, you need to begin by getting direction from God as you may actually not be right. Then, when you get confirmation from God, prayerfully approach him. Do not build your home on arguments and fights, it leads to destruction in your home. You lose with each argument you win.

I have done a survey of some marriages I think are happy and one thread is common- the woman has made up her mind to do God’s will without first waiting to check if her husband is loving her as God commanded. They put their men first. They hold them in high esteem. They celebrate them. They praise them. They leave absolutely no room for others to insult them. They shield their men. They honour their men and submit to them (at least in my eyes sha).

You can’t be always sharp-mouthed, talking down at him, bickering in the presence of others and winning arguments with your high intellect and think your home will be happy. You have to decide which is more important to you as a woman and work hard towards it. Do you want to be the Boss in your home or your want to be a Queen to your King?

Please don’t get me wrong, I am certain there are some men out there who long for a woman that will challenge their every statement and fight to the last but from my research such men are very few. Even [ “modern men” who enjoy intellectual banter still love to be and to feel like the heads of their respective homes.

I thank God for His grace over my life and my marriage. I thank God because it is relatively easy to submit in my marriage. Though not always easy, God has been granting me the grace to submit because I am naturally a strong minded person with a very clear picture of how my life and all its inhabitants should be. I know what I want my home to look like. I know how I want my children raised. I know which schools I want them to attend. I know EXACTLY what I want. So naturally, I feel the pinch when O thinks the way to go is East and I am convinced it is West. I thank God however because I am not submitting to errors and wrong direction and that I have not married a destiny destroyer who would lead me astray. I thank God for my mothers (my biological mother and my mom in law) from whom I have learned the art and the act of submission.

I grew up seeing my mom pray on her knees in relation to a particular project she has a conviction on instead of fighting it out with my dad when he disagrees with her. I remember many times my mom and I would join hands and agree that my dad would change his mind on a particular request I made that he had said “no” to. I have also seen many unhappy marriages where the woman is the captain of the ship, where is her way or the highway or no sex for 3 months. Her words are yea and amen. Her instructions prevail even over her husband’s. Those marriages are never ever happy, They may seem so now but anything that attempts to upturn the instructions of God cannot possibly thrive, or can it?

So what am I saying? To be happy in your marriage and enjoy God’s idea of a fulfilling home, you have to submit to your man. However, it is easier, better and advisable to submit to a ‘beta person’ therefore, see to it that you marry a beta person.

I pray God will keep strengthening us and giving us His grace to do His bidding in our homes. So what if you are convinced you did not marry a beta person? What do you do? Hmm, this is not very easy to answer but I will leave you with this scripture and give you feedback on my views soon…

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

Temiville.xoxo

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Very sensitive issue o. Very insightful perspective too. I think about it from time to time being a strong willed person myself. But in the end, there is our way and then there’s God’s way; and like you rightly put it, God’s way is to simply submit. I’m not married o but you’ve just reaffirmed my conviction not to marry a man whom I have no respect for and whose decisions aren’t made under God.
God bless you for this piece Temi.
Blessed wednesday