ScreamingO, the company that brought you the vibrating cockring, has just introduced the MustachiO which is a $14 disposable vibrating mustache sex toy that you strap onto your face. This makes sense, so that those without mustaches can give a lady (or a man) a good old fashion mustache ride with a little extra vibration.

But I’m going to save you $14 right now and do something to enhance your sex life. Know who already invented a mustache-shaped sex toy that will tickle the naughty bits of your lover? God. Yes, he did. It is called a mustache. About half of the people on earth are capable of growing one. Just go for it. A handle bar, a horse shoe, a chevron, or a fu manchu. Just grow yourself a mustache and delight in how much pleasure you and others take from raking it across the sensitive parts of your partner(s). This is the sort of sexual dynamism that has been a part of the mustached American lifestyle since it was invented by Magnum P.I. in the lord’s year nineteen hundred and eighty.

So do yourself a favor and do one better than a disposable plastic mustache: a natural, non-disposable one that’s made out of hair. It’s 100 percent organic. That is, of course, unless you are a lesbian. Then there are no mustache growers in your relationship and, by all means, go for the fake one. But everyone else, no one likes a faker.