Sunday, November 18, 2007

What NOT To Do On The First Class Food Cart, And Other Flying Tips

I stand corrected. You may remember from the last post that I discovered an apple pie in the freezer, and suspected my dad was going to attempt to fly from Florida to Arizona with it.

He did not. I called and asked. The pie is apparently still in the freezer. Now I do not know about you all, but I like warm apple pie better than cold apple pie. But it seems some people like it frozen.

I have learned not to ask too many questions. Questions can be scary. Or at least the answers to some questions can be scary.

But he did bring produce. Apparently, all the produce made it intact.

Their flight was uneventful. Continental did not loose any luggage. This means it was a good flight. By the way did I ever tell the Delta joke I stole from Carrot Top when I was forced to go see his show while in Vegas? NO!!??!! OK here you go.

Do you know what Delta stands for?

Don'tExpectLuggageToArrive

But things do not always go this smoothly at an airport. Things can happen - and when things happen they can get bad really quick.

Take the story I found about the Miami Shit Lady. This is pretty bad. And this story did not even happen inside an aircraft! No, this happened in the terminal. Probably Concourse C because that part of the airport is a toilet. Really - it is a dump. The plan is to tear it down. This may or may not have happened, I don't know. But the story of the Miami Shit Lady is funny and sad - both at the same time. The story is sad, you really feel sorry for the lady - but the way the story was written is just funny. So it is funny and sad, both at the same time.

But I found stories even better. Yes - better. Like the 100% TRUE story of Gerald B. Finneran who is an investment banker. This guy was flying from Buenos Aires to New York - a really long flight. Anyhow he got really extra super drunk. People should not get super extra drunk on an aircraft. They should stop at drunk, or extra drunk. I can even accept super drunk. But you cross the line when you get super extra drunk.

So what did Mr. Finneran do? Well like I said he got blotto. And then he wanted more, but the flight crew cut him off. So he starts helping himself to more booze. So get gets cut off again. And then he wigs out. He pushed one flight attendant, threatened another, then walked to the first class cabin and shit on the food cart. And then he wiped his ass with the linen napkins. In first class you get fancy linen napkins. But after reading this story - I would pass on the linen napkins.

But that is not the end of it! Oh no. After dropping a duce on the food cart and wiping with the linen napkins - he tracked his own handy work all over the passenger cabin of the plane. From the cockpit door to the tail - he tracked the shit over it all. Not this was just rude. I can understand taking a shit on the first class food cart, because they get really good food while you get cold fish heads. They get really nice seats while you get a plywood narrow ass seat with no leg room. So really if someone is going to crap on a food cart - by all means do it in first class. But tacking it into the coach cabin is just rude. As if flying coach that far is not bad enough!

But did the plane land early? It seems no. The plane continued to New York. Dinner service was obviously canceled. The cops were waiting for the guy when the plane did land - but if I were on that flight I would have strongly demanded that the plane divert to the nearest city - so that the shit guy could be removed and the plane set on fire to disinfect it.

And there are other wacky airplane stories at the above link too. Like the story of two people in business class falling in love during a 14 hour flight. They were seated across the isle from each other, and fell deeply in love. So they started to have sex. Right there in business class. The pilot had to pull them apart.

Now I have a sick sense of humor. If the chick was hot I would have probably yelled "sloppy seconds!". Just to see what would happen.

And then there are the stories that make you wonder just what the hell is wrong with people. In the case of the Miami Shit Lady she had an unfortunate accident. Very sad. In the case of drunken take a shit on the food cart guy - he was drunk. In the case of the people who had just met on the plane having sex - well sometimes you just have nothing better to do and you are bored. What else can you do on a 14 hour flight? Hey - might as well have sex. But there is NO EXCUSE to throw a soiled baby diaper at a flight attendant so that baby fecal matter gets into her hair and stuff.

But the last story is really good. And it does not involve excrement. It does however involve peanuts, which are often found in excrement.

For some reason, a drunken passenger began throwing peanuts at a well-built man across the aisle. The man was sitting with his wife, minding his own business. When the first peanut hit him in the face, he ignored it. After the second peanut struck him, he looked up to see who had thrown it. He threw a harsh look at the perpetrator, expecting him to cease immediately. When a third peanut hit him in the eye, he'd had enough. "Do that again," he warned, "and I'll punch your lights out." But the peanut-tossing passenger couldn't resist. He did it one last time. The victim got out of his seat, then triple-punched the assailant so hard that witnesses heard his jaw break. The plane was diverted to the closest airport and the peanut-tosser was kicked off.

And the guy who beat the crap out of the peanut tosser? It seems nothing happened to him. So if someone throws peanuts at you during your next flight - you can beat them up if you warn them first. This is helpful to know.

By the way, all the above stories (and a few more) were found at THIS LINK. Great stuff.

I have my own funny peanut story, that I shall post tomorrow. It is great.

I've never understood having sex on a plane. There are two places on this Earth that I could never feel aroused. An outhouse is one, a plane is another. Being in one of those airplane bathrooms is sort of like being in a flying outhouse, only a tad more sanitary. I could never have sex in one of those no matter how fine the dude. I've dealt with more than enough shit in my life, probably enough to overflow a sewage processing plant. Both literally and figuratively. Go here to see a lightly fictionalized account of some figurative shit I had to deal with tonight. My co-worker was not so lucky three days ago--she had to clean up literal shit.Working in a retirement community...truly the ass end of the medical world. Except for a proctologist, I don't know anyone who deals with more shit and more ass.

three weeks ago, flying from melb to the gold coast. sexy hostess is walking down the isle, - for no known reason my 4 year old daughter smacks her on the bum. hostess is not impressed, and gives daughter a lecture while glaring at wife and i.