This article is clearly geared towards a group of women the author (and super-awesome-dating-coach-extraordinaire) Ronnie Ann Ryan believes to be both insanely desperate and unable to even tie their own shoes let alone know how to ensnare a man without tempting him with nudie pics.

I feel a tiny bit guilty laughing so hard at this advice, because I’m sure there must be a demographic of women (above the age of 16) that are actually unable to determine the right and wrong time to send a nude pic without the help of a dating coach.

As you read bits of Sheila’s story, I’m sure you’ll understand where I’m coming from when I say that this article could have been penned by anyone with a shred of common sense and that it completely devolves into a piece of patronising shit sandwich as it progresses.

Sheila and Todd

Though it’s not explicitly stated until later in the article, Sheila and Todd have met online, but never in person. Keep this in mind as you read.

Sheila and Todd had been engaging in a steamy texting exchange, complete with nude photos. Some pictures were just body parts, but others included faces. This was very exciting for Sheila and she was having a lot of fun with Todd from a distance.

You should never ever look at body parts in isolation unless you are damn sure they belong to the person you think they do. Have these people never watched a sitcom? Literally the other week on The Mindy Project, one of the character’s grabs another’s phone away from him and is like, “OMG your mysterious girlfriend’s boobs are so sexy!” Only to find out moments later the mysterious girlfriend is his sister.

Sheila keeps initiating contact with Todd by sending sexy photos to get his attention, but then their texting convos run dry pretty quickly. As is normal during a blossoming relationship of true true love.

She started thinking about this relationship and where it was going. They had still hadn’t met, which was a little frustrating to her. Todd said he was super busy at work, but this was a great way to get to know each other until things slowed down for him and he could see her.

“Relationship” seems like a really strong word to use here, but sure. I mean, Todd is super busy at work and just wants to get to know her boobs a little bit more via picture before he’s willing to take the next step and see these boobs in person like any self-respecting gentleman. This is 2014, damn it! The times be changing and all.

Sheila asks her dating coach if she thinks Todd is into her or just the nude pics. Detective work is clearly not the line of work Sheila is in.

Sheila admitted she knew exactly what would happen if she stopped texting him; he’d stop texting her too.

I had to tactfully explain if a man only texted her when she initiated contact, he was not interested. She probably had been keeping their interactions going with those risqué photos. This is also true when a man only texts, emails or calls, but doesn’t have time to meet you or go on dates. Having worked as a dating coach since 2002, I’ve heard it all, so I know a man who is truly interested, WANTS TO SEE YOU in person. I told Sheila she should dump this guy and move on.

Yes, it takes working as a dating coach since 2002 to know this. Maybe I should be considering going into this line of work because if all you have to do is connect dots like, “He only responds to me when I send a nude picture” to “he’s not interested in meeting me in person” to “he’s not interested in pursuing a relationship with me” I could be doing this in my sleep and making some much needed cash on the side.

I’m going to tactfully explain to literally anyone who is considering paying someone for that level of advice that you can just ask your friend, nay, anyone on the street and they will give you that same answer. Do yourself a solid and pay a therapist instead to help you emotionally handle a situation like this if it’s hard for you, not a dating coach who gives you the same advice anyone with half a brain would give you.

Painfully obvious dating advice – now with terrible puns!

While sexting with a man seems like a hot way to connect, it’s not the smartest dating strategy. I strongly advise not to send naked photos to a man you barely know (excuse the pun).

I’m dating someone who makes puns all the fucking time and I had to read this about twenty times to guess that her shitty pun was in the word “barely” because in the photos they’re bare? You are no more qualified to write puns than you are to offer dating advice, Ronnie. I don’t care how deeply insightful your thoughts are on not sending naked pictures to people you hardly know.

It can’t get worse than this, right?

It gets worse

Sheila and I discussed how to play it smarter next time she met a man online. I talk with my dating coaching clients about the “Ballroom Dancing Method of Dating”. Think about Dancing With With The Stars — the man leads and the woman follows.

Look, I know she started being a dating coach back in 2002, but this reads like dating advice from the 50s. Sure, whether you’re a man or woman when you’re first starting out you probably should avoid bombarding the other person with invitations to hang out, but if you ask a guy to hangout and he is like, “MY GOD IM SUPPOSED TO LEAD.” He’s not someone you want to be with anyway.

When you take over because things aren’t going the way you want, you cut yourself off from discovering his intentions.

Remain passive at all costs, ladies. Never try to make a situation go the way you want, damn it.

So, if you’re thinking of sexting to get a man’s attention or keep his interest, think again. Wait to see if he asks you out, shows consistent interest, makes time for you and starts to include you in his life. These are the signs you want to see to understand if a man is genuinely interested or just wanting your naked snapshots.

I’m really confused about how this went from a post about not being stupid enough to send someone naked pictures and then keep sending him naked pictures in the hopes that he’ll want to meet you in person and not share them around the web to a post about how women should always let the men lead in dating.

The way it just devolves into another piece-of-shit article about how men love to lead and omg women should let them make every single move before 4-6 dates really pisses me off. I think this is one of the rare times I’m going to be that person to say NOT ALL MEN.

The logic in this article is that sending naked pics is a bad way to keep a man interested. Deep! Where was the advice about really trusting a person before you send them something so personal and sensitive? Where’s the advice about looking for signs that when they get angry they could do something irrational like share those pictures? If this person you love and trust has a vindictive side, you may want to hold off on sending those pictures no matter how good your relationship currently is. If they’re the kind of person who lets things go, doesn’t hold grudges, and you know would never hurt you even if your relationship went really sour it may be fine to send them something sexy.

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I can’t remember the article name (I really should have saved it), but there was one for men (looking to date women) on online dating sites and how they should let the *woman* lead so they don’t scare her off with their overpowering manliness. If a man read that article and a woman reads this one, I don’t see things going very far.

So much conflicting advice – how will we poor shlubs ever navigate dating in this mad mad world!

I think be yourself only works to a point – I think if you have a massive personality defect and aren’t a generally nice person but you’re able to see that people aren’t responding to you, work on yourself, be yourself, find someone.

Also, I used to love snapchat, but I hate it most of the time now. I don’t get why people send me pictures of like a glass of water they’re drinking with the message “just cooling down!” or crap like that.