The Bachelor: Ashlee Sings of Heartache

The Bachelor Episode 4 Recap: Hey ladies, I warned you that your continued attempts to make “music” would bring nothing but pain! But before we get to the departed, let’s review. We began with a group tennis date, during which Shayne and Chelsea literally walked on their hands and did backflips to get Matt’s attention. Wow. But it was young Ashlee who landed a make-out session. Of course, she had to sing a little ditty first. Goes something like this: “I feeeeeel it could be reaaaal.” To which Matt sighed, “That always gets me.” (But what can you expect from a guy whose musical hero is George Michael?) Anyway! Pinchy Face Robin continued to affect her best Madonna-like faux British accent, discussing High Tea with authority. But I felt bad for Robin when she broke down as Shayne lectured her for being a brat. (Shayne—yes, I still like her!—has become a sort of Den Mother, which is funny because she’s one of the younger women there.)

Then it was “back in time” for a 50s-themed date with Amanda “Meepers.” (She’s adorable but the date was interminable.) And then! The dread two-on-one date. To make matters worse, the ladies–Marshana and Holly–had to cook their own meal. (It’s not enough that you may be going home, you have to prepare your own Last Supper, too.) Over dinner, Matt grilled the girls about whether they’d be willing to move to the jolly old UK, to which Holly said, “Even before I met you, I knew I wanted to move to London.” (Um, lie much?) Then Matt spoke to each girl separately to “gain clarity” (AKA make out). But after her failure to come up with any “challenging questions” for Matt, Holly’s goose was cooked (hee hee). Note to “children’s book author” Holly: Chin up, love. This is all material. Title your next book, “The Saddest English Rose in the Garden” or some such.

Okay! So during an uncomfortable party during which Ashlee giggled madly and Kelly bared her breasts, both women were sent home. Kelly beat a hasty retreat but Ashlee’s giggles swiftly turned to tears. Still, she managed to warble her “Feel/Real” swan song like a pro.

As I said, I’m still liking Shayne despite myself and photographer Noelle, who seems to be hanging in. I also like Matt. In addition to making smart choices, he gives good speeches. Unlike many past Bachelors, who made perfunctory, bland remarks before offering roses, Matt says seemingly heartfelt things. Brilliant!

Oh and another thing: I don’t appreciate the way Chris Harrison is constantly saying that some women’s “dreams of marrying an English gentleman will be crushed forever.” Look, the cast-offs can still marry an English gentleman if they really want to. So can I! So can you, if you are single and so inclined! Chris Harrison and his heartless patter cannot limit our options!