Other People's Shoes

Strategies for judging favorably.

Before I left for my college year in India in 1968, my friends warned me not to act like a Western imperialist and impose my lifestyle on the Indians. "Don't worry," I joked. "I won't buy shoes for the natives."

But four months later, I found myself doing precisely that.

Twelve-year-old Mundju was the daughter of the family of servants who attended on the International Ladies' Hostel, where I lived. While the rest of the women and girls in her family were congenial and beautiful, Mundju was morose and homely. She rarely spoke and never smiled.

Like everyone else in her family, she went barefoot. Unlike everyone else, she had deep cracks in her feet. One day she came to my room limping. When I asked her what was wrong, she silently showed me a deep gash in her left foot.

I whisked her off to a doctor in the nearby clinic. He pronounced her foot infected. He prescribed some antiseptic cream, and a pair of shoes. "If she doesn't wear shoes to protect her feet," he warned, "the infection will never heal. She'll be crippled."

"Do you want shoes?" I asked in simple Hindi.

Mundju's eyes lit up and she grinned.

I hailed a bicycle rickshaw and took Mundju to the Bata shoe store in the center of the city.

She happily picked out a pair of patent leather Mary Janes, which cost twice what I had expected to spend. Remembering my mother's dictum, "No use buying you something you don't like, because you won't wear it," I forked out the price of the Mary Janes from my meager student allowance, and handed the shoebox to Mundju. "Wash your feet when you get home, and put them on," I instructed her. "I never want to see you without them."

I was exasperated. "Why aren't you wearing your new shoes?!"

The next day, she came to my room barefoot. I was exasperated. How could she be so heedless?! "Why aren't you wearing your new shoes?!"

She lifted up her heel and showed me a huge blister. It had not occurred to me that a girl who has no shoes has no socks. I dropped what I was doing, found a rickshaw, and took Mundju back into the center of town. I bought her two pairs of white socks. Now we were "all systems go."

I didn't see Mundju for the next few days. Then, riding home one day, I saw her in the distance. She was walking barefoot.

I felt indignant. Here I had spent time, money, and energy trying to help her, and she was flaunting the doctor's orders and not wearing her shoes. How ungrateful! How reckless!

I went straight to the servants' quarters and accosted Mundju's mother. She looked at me sadly and said, "Don't you understand? These are the only pair of shoes Mundju will ever own. She's saving them for special occasions."

BEFORE WE CONDEMN

A couple decades later I learned about one of the Torah's most intriguing mitzvot, the obligation to judge other people favorably. The Torah enjoins us: "Judge your fellowman justly." [Lev. 19:15] The classic commentators explain this to mean "judge your fellowman favorably and interpret his actions and words only to the good." [Sefer HaChinuch 235]

Three thousand years before the advent of Cognitive Psychology, the Torah recognized that our attitudes (and consequently our words and actions) are formed not by what the other person said or did, but rather by our interpretation of what the other person said or did. Therefore, the Torah obligates us, whenever possible, to find or devise a favorable interpretation.

This mitzvah pulls the rug out from under the critical, condemning attitude that characterizes much of our interpersonal relations. In practice it looks like this:

Instead of faulting a friend for not calling you back when she said she would, you could think: "She may have tried to call me back, but my line was busy," or "She may have received an important call just when she was about to dial my number."

Instead of faulting your spouse for being late (again!), you could think: "I'm not time-challenged like s/he is, but how much have I really changed my own ingrained bad habits?"

Instead of faulting a repairman for not coming when he said he would (leaving you sitting at home all afternoon waiting), you could think: "His previous client may have had a more complicated job than expected," or "When he went to phone me that he'd be late, he couldn't find my number or his cellphone battery was low."

The result of judging others favorably is that we cultivate a positive, sympathetic attitude toward others. When we don't think badly about others, we don't speak badly about others, and we certainly don't act out angry, vengeful behaviors. We don't jump to conclusions. We don't condemn people who may be suffering circumstances far beyond our ken. We avoid a host of sins simply by putting our minds into the mode of favorable judgment.

Judging others favorably does not preclude self-protective actions or positive steps to redress wrongs. Judging others favorably doesn't mean to leave your $300 iPod on your desk when you go to the rest room. It does mean that if you don't find your iPod where you're sure you left it, check every drawer and pocket before you start suspecting your fellow workers. Often we are sure -- and wrong!

Judging others favorably does not mean that when your child comes home in tears because her teacher yelled at and insulted her, you should refrain from taking measures to handle the situation. It does mean that before angrily calling the principal and demanding that the teacher be fired, you entertain the possibility that you haven't heard the full story and that, even if the teacher did act wrongly, extenuating circumstances may have caused a usually fair teacher to act out of character.

STRATEGIES FOR JUDGING FAVORABLY

One of my favorite books, The Other Side of the Story, by Yehudit Samet, offers strategies for judging others favorably. Here is a sampling:

Stop applying a double standard. Many of us judge others severely while we have a host of excuses for our own reprehensible behavior. For example, we grumble about other drivers who double-park their cars and thus block a whole lane, but when we double-park it's okay because our son is just jumping out of the car for one minute to pick up the dry cleaning and we didn't know there'd be a line...

"Don't judge your friend until you reach his place." [Ethics of the Fathers 2:5] This is the Jewish version, dating back 1800 years, of "Don't judge your friend until you've walked a mile in his moccasins." This means that even when another person has done something culpable, consider the possibility that you would have done likewise if you had been in the same situation. Your employee or co-worker quits and takes a better paying job, showing no loyalty to the company that gave him his start. Before you say, "I wouldn't do that!" think: "But would I do that if I had his mortgage, his debts, his size family?"

Admit that you don't know the whole story. No court would render a judgment based on insufficient evidence, but we do it all the time. We see someone do something reprehensible, and we immediately decide, "Guilty!" What do we know of the background of the situation or that person's circumstances or challenges? Conjuring up the humility to admit, "I don't know," can save us from judgments that are severe -- and wrong.

THE PLUMBER

Several years ago, we put in a new bathroom, complete with cabinets and new plumbing. A few hours after the workmen left, I turned on the new faucet. The water pressure was nil. The faucet was defective.

The next morning, I called the plumber. Yes, Rami assured me, the faucet was guaranteed. He would replace it. He couldn't come that day, but he would come the following afternoon.

I waited all afternoon, but Rami didn't show. At 4:30, I called his cellphone. He apologized, but said he couldn't come. "Why not? Where are you?" I asked, annoyed.

"I'm at home," he answered meekly.

"Well, then, just come. You can be here in half an hour."

Rami refused. In reply to my entreaties and accusations, he promised to come the next day.

The next day, no Rami. By now the water from the defective faucet was coming out in a trickle. It took three minutes to fill up a cup to brush my teeth. I was irate. What lousy service! But he was the only plumber who could make good on the guarantee. I called again. Again he promised to come and didn't. Over the next ten days, he failed to show up seven more times. By now we were filling up basins of water from the bathtub.

During that period, I was studying The Other Side of the Story with a friend daily over the phone. One of the strategies the book teaches is to imagine extenuating circumstances that could account for a person's acting improperly. Since we have no way of knowing what the real story is behind the person's actions, the story we make up to judge him favorably is as likely to be true as the condemning version.

I decided to judge the plumber favorably. After all, I told myself, even the worst plumber doesn't fail to show up ten times in a row. Something must be very wrong in his family, I concluded. Perhaps, God forbid, one of his children is seriously ill. Perhaps the child is in the hospital and Rami's wife is sitting by his bedside all day, so Rami, worried and grieving, has to stay home to take care of the other children.

Once I concocted this hypothetical story, my anger cooled. I could fill up a basin of water from the bathtub to use at the sink without fuming. I continued to call Rami every day, but the bark was gone from my voice.

One day the doorbell rang. There was Rami with the new faucet. I greeted him kindly, showed him to the bathroom, and stood there while he worked. Gently I asked him, "Is everything all right in your family?"

He shook his head. With a choked voice he told me his story: His wife of 17 years had run off with another man, leaving Rami, stunned and stricken, with their six children. A few days later, his wife realized that her paramour was alcoholic and violent. He threatened her that if she tried to leave him, he would kill her children. After a few more beatings, she fled back to her family. While I was fretting about my faucet, Rami was home protecting the lives of his children.

You don't have to be highly creative to imagine a story that puts someone else in a good light. You just have to want to do the mitzvah of judging others favorably. In the end, their truth may be stranger than your fiction.

Coming to Israel? The Riglers invite you to their home for "An Enchanted Evening in the Old City," with a Broadway-style musical show. For more information, click here.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Sara Yoheved Rigler is the author of Heavenprints, as well as the bestsellers: God Winked: Tales and Lessons from my Spiritual Adventures, Holy Woman, Lights from Jerusalem, and Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara (with Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller). She is a popular international lecturer on subjects of Jewish spirituality. She has given lectures and workshops in Israel, England, Switzerland, South Africa, Mexico, Chile, Canada, and over thirty American cities. A graduate of Brandeis University, after fifteen years of practicing and teaching meditation and Eastern philosophy, she discovered "the world's most hidden religion: Torah Judaism." Since 1985, she has been living as a Torah-observant Jew in the Old City of Jerusalem with her husband and two children. She presents a highly-acclaimed Marriage Workshop for women [seewww.kesherwife.com] as well as a Gratitude Workshop. To invite her to your community, please write to info@sararigler.com.

Visitor Comments: 24

I know I am often judgemental...even as a knee-jerk reaction...but I'm working on it. This article "hit home" and has given me another tool to use. Thank you!

(23)
Anonymous,
July 20, 2010 6:32 PM

thank you so much wow that was very powerful i will definetly start paying more attention in this middah

(22)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2010 4:59 PM

A WONDERFUL REMINDER - THANK YOU !

(21)
,
March 6, 2010 1:54 AM

Excellent.

(20)
Christel,
March 4, 2010 5:03 PM

Inspired

Reading this article was like a light bulb coming on above my head. I needed this, the person in my life I most want to give the benefit of the doubt to, is the one person I rarely give the benefit of the doubt. I keep wondering what Hashem wants me to learn and now I think NO..Pray I understand:-) I also have the book Battle Plans and it is wonderful, I will be reading it over and over I am sure.
Thank You

(19)
J from USA,
March 2, 2010 4:29 PM

Wonderful article.....but.....

I thoroughly enjoyed the insights and always appreciate Torah or Talmuic references. Like other commenters, I have had a wonderful friend who now seems , perhaps unknowingly, to be very judgemental and not always positive. While I can never know what hidden thoughts/feelings even aches and pains are part of her person, it is getting difficult for me to keep hearing the caustic comments about so many others. I obviously do not judge this 25 years long time friend, but her comments are at times...very annoying to me.
I wonder how II'll cope? I hesitate , even in a positive way to point out the negatives....at times she has seemingly heard my little polite cues but anymore I don't want to risk becoming a target of her negative or mean "pronouncements". Perhaps future aish.com articles will provide some insights for me. I do not pretend to be a "saint" but I do not relish being a "martyr" to a growing negative personality..who has been my closest friend companion for years.

(18)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2010 10:04 AM

I am grateful to be on this mailing list. Other People's Shoes came at a an opportune time. I had just had a cruel day at work that I prayed "Lord, deal with those people and help me to be patient with them although I cannot understand their hearts" With my self-doubts and my desire to renege on my prayers, wanting to be bitter about how they treated me, I opened my email and read Other People's Shoes. Thank you for reminding me to live what my heritage has taught for so many generations, to be Just.
v.m.

(17)
Chavah,
March 2, 2010 6:58 AM

amazing article!

May HaShem bless the plumber you wrote about in the article, as well as his children, with peae and joy and a good situation.

(16)
anon,
March 1, 2010 9:27 PM

What about making promises you don't intend to keep

(15)
SusanE,
March 1, 2010 8:44 PM

Very Important Lesson You Have Taught Today. Thank You

Wonderful article, and perfectly stated. I know I have benefited from reading it. Thank you. Also, you have received great insightful comments from readers. --------------------------------------------------------
I have a friend who is an outstanding woman. She finds the very best in everybody and thinks the best and most positive thoughts about everybody. The world is a better place because of her.

(14)
Anonymous,
March 1, 2010 1:15 AM

thanks

Excellent article/lesson and timely too. I'm going to try this on my plumber this week and maybe next week too. :)
Sharon

(13)
Jeff,
May 24, 2006 12:00 AM

Nice article

Very nice article!

Just one quibble: You write, "No court would render a judgment based on insufficient evidence"--what planet are you living on??

(12)
linzie,
April 22, 2006 12:00 AM

this is a good lesson to remember. good article. i look forward to reading more of your work.

(11)
Betty Sekhri,
April 12, 2006 12:00 AM

I loved the article. It is a valuable lesson which we should all remember when we find ourselved in a similar situation.

(10)
Jeremy Yates,
March 31, 2006 12:00 AM

This is really good ethical Stuff!!!

As a non-Jew in this Life, I really enjoy this website because it a) gives good ethical points of view on everyday problems, and b) gives good important insight into 21st Century Judaism. Happy Passover Y'all.

(9)
elizabeth toon,
March 30, 2006 12:00 AM

eavesdropping

it is this fear that although I know I cannott completely hide my feelings laughter or tears..that I will always remain unknown for what you or others must or must not think towards me and yet I am that shy that I long for a committed relationship that comforts melike old scuffed shoes and the permission not to save them unscuffed for that special day where I don't have to be afaid of hurt feelings as I express what I feel..twice in a dramatic way I have hurt myself by eavesdropping and taking it upon myself to have some significance in what was said rather than be perceived as cold having no relationship to he feelings of others towards me..if then you must think kindly..think kindly thoughts other than judgemental..as I try also but perhaps this could lead to gentler thoughts.. as to what is it within each of us that we feel as though we are eavesdropping on the conversations of others, having no right to enter in and ask a questions of one another..why can you not accept this gift not as a gong in heaven or in earth or the terrors of our nights..as a comfort that as a blessing that in having a fair measure of what is health your life can be a blessing as the works of your hands carried by your able bodied feet are a blessing. I feel awkward trying to describe this.. but I also struggle with these thoughts of others as though shadows..that I am afraid to say ..I do talk.. I do have a mouth that if you say you think this of me or mine..without judgement..I could say what I think of a gift or..why I feel.
SO thankyou..this is thoughtprovoking. blessings Elizabeth Toon

(8)
Chana Levi,
March 30, 2006 12:00 AM

Both Sides of the Story

This is so true. We once knew a young couple who we frequently invited over for a meal on Shabbat. Then when I had to go out of town for a while, I asked her if she could invite my husband and children over for a Shabbat meal. I was shocked when she refused, saying that she was not having any guests right then. I couldn't believe that she would refuse to reciprocate our hospitality like that. Not till several months later did I find out the reason - she was expecting their long-awaited first child and her doctor had told her to take it easy. From then on, I learned to judge others favorably.

(7)
Anonymous,
March 27, 2006 12:00 AM

There was an old woman

A few years ago I was recovering from yet another heart attack. The woman in the room next to mine kept groaning night and day, “I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home.” Her pitiful lament went on for hour after hour.

I needed to get some sleep so I went down the hall to the visitor’s lounge. A nurse found me and gave me a good chewing out for not being in my bed. When I told her that I just needed some quiet for an hour or so she got angry at the poor old woman.

I told the nurse to sit down for a minute. It was a slow night, so she did. “Has it ever occurred to you that instead of an old, frail woman that you see and hear, that she was once young and possibly pretty, went to dances, got married, had children and grandchildren and now she just wants to go home, something she cannot do ever again.

“Nobody has visited her or said a kind word to her the entire time I’ve been here. I’ve gone into her room and held her hand and just let her talk. You see an old woman who someday might be you or me. Try to give her a break and be as sweet to her as you’ve been to me.”

The nurse hugged me, shed some tears, and left me. Sure enough, as I passed the old woman’s door, the nurse was visiting her and giving her the respect she deserved.

Many years ago I had been as unfeeling and uncaring as the nurse was until someone gave me a nice “dressing down.” I’m going to save this article to remind myself about judging others.

The old lady died the next day. I was told by the nurse that the old lady had a peaceful smile on her face as she drew her final breath.

(6)
shoshanna RIFKA,
March 27, 2006 12:00 AM

bless you sara rigler dear and precious one for being so on target...and using yourself as an example

(5)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

very helpful

(4)
Manuel,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Big effort

Worthy

To fulfill this mitzva we have to overcome our culture and nature and that is not easy

(3)
sheila whitzman,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

an inspiring, a 'holy' story.

I was moved by Sara Rigler's deep humanity. More power to her!

(2)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

I think that it is very true about applying a double standard. So many of us do it without thinking. Once we are made aware of it and make an attempt to consciously think of this at certain times, it will make a difference.

Also, the idea about walking a mile in another person's shoes. My college roomate is majoring in a field that is considered an "easy" major by many. I often see her on the internet, playing games rather than stuying. It turns out that she has a learning disability and needs to work very very hard to compensate. When I learned of this from a mutual friend, I instantly felt abashed.

I loved the story with Mundju and Sarah, as well as the story with Sarah and the repairman. It makes sense that Munju would want to save her beautiful shoes for an occassion. Who would have thought that the repairman was put into such a crazy situation?! It would have been easy for Sarah to get frustrated and throw up her hands. But by thinking of the possibility of a problem that was causing him to be late instead of laziness, Sarah kept her sanity and was "regaled" with what actually happened to the repairman.

It's important to consider both sides of the coin in various situations. It'll help you and will make a big difference to all parties involved.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

i am reading "the other side of the story" now and it is extremely helpful, as was your article. i love your writing, keep up the good work!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...