Everything was ‘great’, and I was self-injuring

Hello, I’m Charis. I just want to introduce myself a little bit to you.

I’m…

nearly 28 ;

a well-qualified English teacher living in a foreign country, with a successful professional background;

a university graduate with a 1st class degree ;

a straight As at A-Level and almost straight A*s at GCSE student;

from a very loving, middle-class family with a privileged upbringing.

Hang on a minute. What kind of introduction is that? You must be thinking I’m extremely big-headed or something. Well, I’ve chosen to write it like that, not because I’m big-headed (if you know me, you’ll know that’s far from the case), but because I could add ‘recovering from self-injury’ to the end of the list, and to many, it seems like quite a contrast.

Sometimes, when I look back at my own life, I wonder how on earth I can reconcile the two aspects (the outwardly successful and high-achieving teenager and adult, with the daily struggle with self-injury). Sometimes it feels like these must be two different lives.

I’ve been asking myself, do I fit the ‘typical profile’ of someone who relies on self-injury? Am I what people expect when they hear about self-injury and self-harm? Perhaps not. The media would often have you believe that people who self-injure are all silly attention-seeking teenage girls, or emos, or people unable to function normally. Not so. I’m an intelligent, high-achieving, successful and confident professional from a loving background with a superb family and a privileged upbringing. So, why have I been relying on self-injury to get me through certain days, since the age of thirteen? Why is every inch of my arms covered in ugly scars that tell a story I apparently couldn’t tell in any other way?

The point is, there isn’t really a typical profile.

Self-injury is a coping mechanism which can be chosen by anybody at any point in their life where they are going through a particularly stressful or distressing situation. It doesn’t have to be because of trauma or abuse (another presumption which particularly upsets me because it certainly wasn’t the case for me) although it can be.

I was coping with a combination of factors, both internal and external, which affected my happiness, and the first time I hurt myself, it was an impulse which left me totally dumbfounded. I had never heard of people doing such a thing – this was long enough ago for self-injury not to have been so frequently portrayed in the media. I was scared, and tried to keep what I’d done a secret. It didn’t last long, I got found out. Nobody said I was stupid, but nobody could understand how the girl at the top of the year, a child of teachers at the school, could be doing something deemed to be so stupid.

But I wasn’t stupid. I knew what I was doing, and I knew that it helped me to take control of things. In fact, it helped me control my emotions enough to allow me to continue to function to the high standards to which I, and everybody else, were accustomed.

In fact, if we want to talk about typical characteristics, high-achievers (in various arenas e.g. athletes etc.) are often up there at the top of the lists of those who turn to self-injury. The pressure to perform, when things inside seem to be crumbling, can be overwhelming. It doesn’t have to be external pressure: I would say 99% of the pressure I experienced came from my own internal drivers. It still does. As a result, although I have been almost completely free of self-injury for about six years, sometimes the urge is still overwhelming. But, whilst it seemed to help in the short term, in the long run it hasn’t helped, and it has made success more difficult to grasp. It’s not easy having a secret as big as this when your job involves daily contact with many people of all ages.

If I could tell the teenage girl I was one thing, it would be that the few minutes of release felt each time are certainly not worth the lifetime of dealing with the after-effects of that choice of coping method, or the added stress it brings. I don’t like to wonder whether I’d be in the same place if I hadn’t self-injured, and in some ways it’s made me who I am, and stronger in many ways. But obviously I’d rather I hadn’t gone down that route: no amount of success is worth that added stress.

Charis

For more information about high performance and the curse of perfectionism, please read ‘who self-injures’.

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Charis (Charis)

LifeSIGNS was launched in 2002 to raise awareness about self-injury and provide guidance and support for anyone affected by self-injury. As well as our extensive main website our organisation has grown across the popular social networks. Find us on Facebook,Tumblr and Twitter. We hope you enjoy the ideas and news within our blog and always appreciate your comments.

Comments (4)

Thanks ever so much for sharing your personal story Charis. I know there’s always more, but thank you for cramming as much as you could into your article.

Everyone has different stresses to cope with, and people do a variety of things to get through their challenges.

I found my school and college studies difficult to balance alongside the social pressures I felt, and the family problems I had back then. My studies were very important to me too – I didn’t kick myself when I got a lower grade then I expected, but I felt I had a lot of work to do.

Knowing how you felt pressured (internally) to achieve so much, I’m now interested in what you’ve done to relax or let go of the pressures. I wonder what you’ve done to move away from self-injury and I wonder what you do when you feel the old pressures and the Urge again.

on Feb 20, 2013, 5:22 pm

K

Thank you so much for sharing this. It helped to read it. I have never been able to forget the comment someone said to me years ago when they found out I self harmed, they said but why? There is nothing wrong with your life? You have good grades, a great loving and supportive family and friends. I used to almost wish that something bad would happen in my life so I could justify it. I’m now thankful that nothing bad did happen and that I’ve become a stronger person and for the past 4 years (pretty much) have found myself able to use healthier coping mechanisms when I’m feeling depressed or stressed.

I wish I could have read your article when I was 14. I’m now 25 and looking to make my next career move. I constantly worry that people will find out about my self harm and although I’m not ashamed (infact I feel proud of myself for being able to deal with so many negative emotions and feelings and still being here to tell the story) I feel I need to keep it a secret as I’m scared it’ll ruin my chances of further progression.

on Feb 20, 2013, 8:26 pm

Charis

Thanks so much for your comment, K, it’s good to know that the article has helped somewhat. I wish I had read it when I was 14 too, so I can only hope that maybe there might be some 14 year olds out there who are reading it and can think about it, though I’m sure it’s easier with hindsight.
You should definitely be proud of yourself as you’ve obviously come a long way. Good luck with your career move, and your choices about what to reveal, to who and when. I face the same dilemma each time I am considering changing jobs or anything else, but have learnt that it doesn’t always ruin things in the way I fear it might. I wish you all the best with things. Charis

on Mar 13, 2013, 9:10 pm

Alice

Thank you so much for this article, I feel less alone now…
I also come from a loving family and am a high-achieving student as well. Last year I went through one year of preparations for difficult university examination entrance tests and, thankfully, I past them all. People told me I was very smart, and that my life was great but they don’t know I relied on self-harm through the entire year to be able to cope with the stress brought on me by myself and my family and emotionnal distress…
I usually feel so alone and left out from the all self-harm ‘community’ and clichés because I don’t fit there…I am pretty confident, I do not have clinical depression, I have friends and am outgoing…Yet I am struggling so hard with self-harm and I feel like I can’t talk about it to anyone because they will think I am just complaining
Your article helped me realize I wasn’t the only one in my case! Thank you : )