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The Chicken Doctor

The Architect

So, you want children?

Go to bed, get all comfy and warm….have the fire alarm go off unpredictably all night. Repeat this every night for at least 17 years.

Take a bucket full of vomit and dump it in the back seat of your car, on your couch, all over your carpets, splash it down the front of your clothes and then put a few drops in the toilette.

Take another bucket of vomit and soak all the bedding, towels, your clothes, your neighbor’s clothes and the cat in it until you have enough laundry to fill the entire house and keep you washing until the the next round of vomit…which will occur right after you make up all the beds with clean sheets.

Okay, now you’re going to need some urine….put it in a spray bottle and have fun.

Grab a couple of puppies, set them loose in your living room…leave the house for a few days. They will simulate what a couple of kids can do to a room in a few minutes.

Take a few of your precious collectibles and smash them to bits.

Stain all your shirts with blood, paint, boogers…whatever is in the fridge.

Cut a tiny hole in your curtains.

Get a permanent marker…get to coloring! Walls, floors, furniture, the entire world is your canvas.

Buy all the Lego’s you can find in the world along with Matchbox cars, Barbie shoes, hair bows, tiny socks, candy wrappers, McDonald’s french fries, Goldfish crackers, Crayons and crushed granola bars: mix up in a tub and freely sprinkle the contents in your vehicle, garage, yard, under your bed, in your bed, under the cushions of your couch and every corner in your house….make sure you stand over floor vents and drop handfuls.

Have a friend hide your shoes, all of them. Wait until you’re ready to go to an important event to try to find them.

Go on a long trip with a very loud and emotional person who will talk and cry and scream for the entire trip except for the quick nap they took right before you had to pull over to get gas…which caused them to wake up and be extremely irritable.

When you stop to eat at a nice restaurant your travel companion tells you they forgot their shoes.

Find a store to buy them some shoes.

They will lose those shoes at some point during the trip and you will buy them three more pairs of shoes that are so ugly and cheap that you’re embarrassed to be with the person.

They never lose the ugly shoes, they wear them everyday much to your dismay.

Have someone call you to tell you they forgot their lunch at least three or four times a week.

Put a sparkly unicorn sticker on the rear of your jeans and wear them in public all day.

Take something sharp and scratch the crap out of your vehicle.

Throw away three billion 5 dollar bills because that is what your children will need for this thing and that event and blah, blah, blah.

Say the following every single day, “Put your shoes away. Pick up your jacket. Eat your dinner. Pick up your toys. Flush the toilette. Be nice to your brother. Stop talking. Listen to me. Be quiet. STOP! NO! We’ll see. Maybe. Go get your shoes. Find your shoes. Where are your shoes. Why? Go ask your father. STOP IT! I said NO! What did Mommy say?” add a please and thank you occasionally until you realize it’s just a waste of your breath.

Load and unload the dishwasher at least three times a day.

Buy enough groceries to last a month, take them home. Invite a teenager to come over and help himself to any food in the house.

Go back to the grocery store…invite teenager….go back to the grocery store…invite teenager….

Yell at a wall that it needs to get its room cleaned, wait for a response. Yell some more. Walk away defeated that the wall will never clean its room.

Hope that the wall will move out of your house someday and have twenty of their own walls that never do anything you ask them to do.

I’m late to the party, but I just read this to my husband and he asked me to add, “Have a friend come over every evening around 8:30 or 9 and drop an 80 lb bag of concrete in different places in the house and then, at 10:00, or whenever you’re at your sleepiest, pick up the concrete bag and take it to the guest bedroom and put it gently into the bed.”