NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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More News

Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation

WHITE PLAINS, NY—After years of gathering evidence and building a case against what has come to be regarded as one of the world’s largest and most successful smut distribution networks, federal agents busted a massive child pornography corporation Monday morning, numerous sources confirmed.

According to reports, the U.S. Department of Justice conducted coordinated raids on the White Plains–based corporate campus of high-profile child pornography conglomerate MolestTech as well as 18 of its satellite offices in major North American cities. Reporters on the scene confirmed that the 12 members of MolestTech’s board of directors were led out of the headquarters in handcuffs, effectively shutting down operations for the international blue-chip corporation that has long billed itself as the foremost leader in the production and circulation of sexually explicit imagery involving minors.

“I am proud to report that our office has brought an end to the operations of this despicable publicly traded company,” said Attorney General Eric Holder at an afternoon press conference in which he identified Richard Hobson, MolestTech’s CEO and frequent fixture on Forbes magazine’s annual list of highest-paid executives, as the ringleader of the global operation. “At last, after years of slinking around in the public eye and on the New York Stock Exchange, these depraved individuals will be brought to justice.”

“Let what has happened today serve as a powerful message to anyone out there who hopes to incorporate under a state’s commercial codes, comply with SEC regulations, and make billions of dollars in net annual profits off the exploitation of children,” Holder continued.

Founded in 1948 as a small mail-order business specializing in the dissemination of photographs of underage boys and girls engaged in graphic and suggestive acts, MolestTech has since its incorporation blossomed into the global leader in child pornography that, according to its publicly available financial statements, boasts more than 30,000 employees, hundreds of retail locations, and a lavish annual shareholder meeting in Taos, NM. According to sources, government investigators have had their eyes on the sexually exploitative firm since its $75 million IPO in 1988, carefully monitoring the corporation’s ever-expanding slate of offerings, including printed materials and videos, subscription websites, and most recently, a series of award-winning mobile apps.

However, despite the prominence of MolestTech’s successful youth trafficking business, government officials told reporters that they had until recently been blocked in their efforts to move against the Fortune 500 corporation, noting the difficulty in amassing clear-cut proof linking the enterprise’s mission statement and quarterly investor reports with its illegal activities. Additionally, investigators stated that various jurisdictional conflicts had kept the company, which describes itself on its corporate website as “the makers of the highest-quality child pornography in the world,” one step ahead of authorities.

Moreover, several sources noted that MolestTech has a substantial and well-funded lobbying arm in Washington that makes frequent campaign contributions to prominent members of Congress on both sides of the aisle, which has helped keep it above prosecution for decades.

“We’ve been going after these scumbags for years, but somehow they always managed to slip out of our grasp,” said special agent Ralph Hernandez, recounting how past efforts to prosecute MolestTech for a series of questionable tax shelters based out of the Cayman Islands proved fruitless, and noting an embarrassing debacle in which the company was found to have been the recipient of billions of dollars in government subsidies for dozens of years. “It takes a while to put together a solid case, so we had to be patient and let them go about their sick business for a few decades. But that’s all history now, because it looks like we finally nailed these bastards.”

“Though we can’t really count too much on scoring a conviction, as they’ve got one hell of a legal team,” Hernandez added.

At press time, investor uncertainty over MolestTech’s future ability to continue distributing child pornography had caused company shares to plummet nearly 20 percent to $556.48.