Intermittent fasting championed by miserable, starving man

REGINA – This week, local accountant Jeffrey Higgins announced to family and friends that yes, intermittent fasting works, with the minor side effect of a hellish existence.

“I’ve tried many diets, including Atkins, Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig, but only intermittent fasting allowed me to lose forty pounds in just two weeks,” said Higgins, speaking loudly to be heard over his gurgling stomach. “Why count calories or exercise when it’s so much easier to be in pain most of my day?

Higgins went on to point out that he has continued to eat all his favourite food, such as ice cream, pizza, and fried chicken. “There’s an eight hour period where I can eat all I want,” said Higgins, “Then all I have to do is starve for the other sixteen hours. It’s the perfect crime.”

While Higgins admitted that incredible hunger pains are a necessary side effect of the diet, most of that time is spent resting. “I used to sleep about seven hours a night, now I’m up to fourteen, most of which is populated by vivid, terrifying nightmares that the creature from Alien is in my stomach, clawing its way out.”

Health Canada warns that long-term intermittent fasting can be harmful to women’s health, but Higgins dismisses their concerns as reactionary. “People are afraid of change, and I think if they just tried intermittent fasting, they wouldn’t have the energy to be afraid.”

Despite losing his girlfriend due to severe mood swings and most of his muscle mass, Higgins remains an enthusiastic proponent of intermittent fasting. “This is how our paleo ancestors used to live – tired, hungry, and constantly concerned that they might die.”

At the end of the day, all Higgins wants to do is encourage others to engage in authentic living. “Wel need to stand up and recognize that this is the diet of the future, “said Higgins, adding, “Not actually stand because my blood sugar is very low and I might pass out.”