Friday, January 30, 2009

You know him...our favorite weed head :) My sidekick with the blogness, the Charlamagne to my Wendy....Craig...(n'em)!

In the spirit of Sasha and Malia…

(A DAUGHTER MOMENT BY CRAIG VERDE)

Last week, I decided to remix my baby girl’s breakfast. Instead of two Eggo French toast with Karo syrup, 8 seasoned french fries with ketchup on the tip (“One for each finger” she says…For EACH finger…the girl has all her digits, mind you….(Sigh) So here’s the thing…regardless of what she has to eat in the morning, she ALWAYS washes it down with a stink ass fried egg…salt and pepper.

Now…she’s five….

She finishes her breakfast with a stink ass fried egg. EVERY MORNING. Captain Crunch cereal? Stink ass egg. Cream of wheat? Stink ass egg. Even on days on the run when she has Wise potato chips and a 12oz of Coke. She still bitchin’ for a stink ass egg! Now, my girl kisses me EVERY MORNING before she leaves to school. I shouldn’t want to throw up every time I kiss her goodbye.

For breakfast, sometimes I try to Jedi Mind Trick her into mixing it up a bit. "Eat a piece of egg…eat a piece of french toast." I say this hoping the syrup will overlap that funky ass taste in her mouth. But I guess that’s no different than mixing cologne with three games of flag football. I try to manipulate her as she’s eating. “It’s fun, sweetie,” I say. “Mix it up. Eat a piece of egg and then french toast.” She spits back, “No! Fried egg is my dessert. Dessert is always last!”

(Pause) You know…you just gotta’ laugh at a child’s stupidity sometimes. They can say some “real life situation” dumb shit. But I was in the moment so the shit wasn’t cute.

Now, I can’t put her into SHOCK by a TOTAL breakfast u-haul. I do that and she’d go into total “GATOR” withdrawal like last time…dancing around and shit…trying to stab me with her plastic fork. So…I started small. Same routine, but instead of that stink ass fried egg, I made my baby egg whites for the first time. It stink’s too but at least its healthier.

I cracked that egg, cupped it back and forth between the cracked shells. I poured out that yellow yolk. I watched it slither down the drain into the black abyss. As soon as the yolk disappeared, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I looked over at my little girl and she’s sitting there, staring at me. Like a lion would their prey. I froze. She looked right through me. Ahhhh shit. Here we go. But no…she smiled at me. I began breathing again. “You look funny, daddy”…she chuckles out. I muster up a half smile.

FAST FORWARD…EGGS WHITES DONE…

I turn the stove off. Immediately my daughter says, ”Eggs done already?” I’m like what???!!! First of all, why the hell is she clockin’ me like that? And second, how many fucking fried eggs you gotta’ eat to get an internal egg clock to go off in your head? How the hell she know the difference between fried egg and egg whites in cooking time?

NOW she’s pissing me the fuck off. I gotta’ admit, I kind of blanked out and thought I was now talking to her mother. Two peas in a pod, I tell you.

I ignored her and dumped the plate of egg whites in front of her like an overworked and underpaid waitress. “Eat,” I barked. She rolled her eyes at me. You already know where she got that eye-exercise from.

So little woman here stared at her plate like a confused, little puppy. Head cocked at an angle. She even poked it as if she were checking for a pulse. She then lifts the plate and looks under it, like superman would a car. What the hell is she looking for UNDER the plate?

At times like this you gotta’ have patience with a child.

So here I am…(IN ONE BREATH)...”What the hell you doin?!” C’mon now, I don’t got time for this, girl! I gotta go to work. You don’t play this crap with yo momma’. Let’s go! EAT!"

“But daddy, what’s this?” she said.

“Egg whites,” I shot back…

“But I like my egg yellow.”

“Well, today, you’re having egg WHITES, no yellow…WHITES!”

“But I want my egg YELLOW”

I said, ”Look…” and I LOOKED at her. I gave her that “LOOK”…like “I will FUCK you up little girl” look. But then she gave ME the “LOOK”...Like, “I’ll tell MOMMY on yo ass and SHE will FUCK YOU UP!” look.

I took a breath and changed my approach, like the punk I am.

“Princess, try the eggs, please?”

“NO!!! YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW…(repeat 93 times)

Apparently, 12 minutes of saying “Yellow” can work up an appetite. She gave in and gave it a taste. After two chews, she stops. Frozen in deep thought, (or the deepest you can go for a five year old) she looks up at me with her mother’s angel eyes and says…

“Where’s the meat? This is a vegetarian egg? Daddy, we not veterinarians. I want the chicken part of the egg. What’d you do with the chicken daddy? I saw you put something in the sink. I want a chicken egg!”

“YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW"…(repeat 93 times)

The next day…normal routine…but this time I gave her TWO fried eggs.

That’s my child and I love her slow ass.

BABY GIRL’S BREAKFAST SONG

My president is Black, my hair braids tight!

If my eggs look white, then my eggs ain’t right!

What’s the craziest or dumbest thing you’ve seen a child do? Yourself included.

-Craig

78
comments:

Annamaria
said...

I just wanted to be first! lolNow I will go back & read. Sorry Nicole I know you hate that!

The only reason I didn't comment first was because I'm going to start keeping track of who is first so I can give out prizes, LOL!

Honestly, I'm still trying to think of a good story about my nephews or other kids that I know :)

Kyce and Brahim eat boiled eggs almost every morning...or an egg in some shape or form. Kyce takes the yoke most times, that boy is so daggone healthy! I wish I ate like him. Brahim on the other hand, will eat ANYTHING!

Is anyone as surprised as I am that Craig has a child...that is actually left in HIS care? LOL!

I think of that clip by Katt Williams where he eats all his baby's cereal cuz he has the munchies :)

I will say that there is something about little girls that wants you to shake the shit out of them, but then they turn you into a puddle...

My nieces are like that. They have come to stay with us for the last 2 summers. Cutest little girls, with a streak of pure evil.I yell at them and they give me those eyes and say..."Sorry Tio"...then I am done in...

Wow Craig you have a 5 year old...bless your heart! Let me start out with my oldest goddaughter when she was younger (she's 16 now and would collapse if she knew I was talking about her). But she was accident prone like a mug! OMG, she would run into walls, bump into tables,spill drinks, etc. Every holiday we gave her a "big girl cup" so she would think we were all drinking the same thing. Not once, not twice but countless times she would walk and "splash" there goes my big girl drink on the carpet! One xmas it was a glass of Cask and Cream! C'mon now!

She's a little better now that she's older but she still has those dag on accident prone moments that makes you hold your head!

Dumb moment...December 26th, 2008, downtown NYC with my six year old nephew. He thinks just cause he sees something he should have it...just like that damn father of his! Thank God he's out the picture!

But why would you try and steal from a store (a NY Firetruck toy) get called out my the manager and then feel the wrath of me and your Mama!

Why...when you know your lil behind is getting the beating of your life. I don't even touch him, I leave that to his hard core mama, anyway he started crying as soon as I bent down and snatched him up by the collar and whispered, "If I Eva (not ever) EVA, catch you stealing or doing some dumb mess like that again...titi (yes Tee Tee) will drive to VA and beat you like a grown man."

Needless to say he hasn't stolen since and everytime I talk to him he says...Titi I'm sorry.

Craig You are a sick sick puppy! Give the girl what she wants before I buy her a taser for her birthday & she tases you first thing in the morning for messing with her shit! lolI can just IMAGINE the painindaassness (yeah I just made that up) that this baby is going to be. I am going to want to tase my own child.. I know it I can tell... Don't feel bad my stepson like Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches HOLD THE PEANUT BUTTER??? Um doesn't that make it a jelly sandwich i thought...NOO IT DOES NOT I WAS TOLD! lolAnd my stepdaughter has to have sauce on almost EVERYTHING she eats but hates cereal with milk??? GO FIGURE?

Kyce sucks the seasoning off of meat and then puts the grey chewed up meat back on....not his own plate...but MY plate. Nice.

Once Kyce broke fool in the mall. He wanted a model car that was on display but wasn't for sale yet. I told him we had to wait to buy it cuz it wasn't on sale and that just wasn't good enough for him.

He threw himself on the ground and started throwing a tantrum. Mind you, my sister was in another store and it was just me and him.

Needless to say I almost lost my damn mind cuz he was BUGGIN! I had never seen him do that before. I was like "Who IS this child?!" I didn't recognize him in that moment. I just snatched him up by his arm with him dangling as we left the store...all embarrassed.

Nicole heard him all the way in the other store she was in...and I just gave him back to her like "get this kid away from me before I pinch the sh*t outta him!" Yes, he HATES being pinched. A swat on the butt means nothing to him, but a PINCH? He'll cry bloody murder! He almost got GOT that day! wooo!

Okay before I head out another nephew moment! His life is so full of stories I plan on writing a childrens book series just on him!

My nephew is a hot mess. In the summer he knew if he didn't finish his food no dessert right...so he knew where my sis kept the paper plates. He would behind her back pile his old food on the paper plate and do what...take a wild guess.

Put it under the bed! So after a few days my sister smells something awful! Just awful! Cleans the house from top to bottom...still smells.

When she saw nats flying around my nephews bed and looked under the smell alone knocked her out.

Ana, my dumb ass...I mean my daughter does the same thing but she takes it a step further...She loves peanut butter sandwiches but she tells me to hold the peanut, toast the bread and cut off the edges. She likes her butter to melt so she makes me toast the bread WITH the butter. Not after you toast...BEFORE...to go with her stink ass fried egg...I've gone through 4 toasters in the last month. I hope she grows out of it...

lol!!!!...toooo toooo funny..Yeah, I would have never guessed Craig Verde had a little girl!!..Now that Im done crying laughing.....I feel his pain....only, the opposite, my son is 2. he will not eat eggs..unless you sit down & have break fast with him & sometimes make it a sandwich!..Im like DAycare locks the door at 9 oclock!!, we gotta go.( it's 8:40)..Im like hurry hurry, get your hat on , get your mittlens, we gotta go!..hes like "I want to keep in the house"..Im like NO, "we're going to the car with your paper plate"...crying ensues...UUGGGGHH!..., sometimes I just call the school & tell them,he hid the keys but now I found them & we are on our way..please open the door!!:-)

Craig..u have to LEARN. Now, I only give eggs(or try to , on the weekend)..I put CHeese bits crumbled in it(scrambled) I eat too & say stuff like UMMMM. ymmy in your tummy,

if you don't eat it, Im gonna eat it ALL..Then he of course wants it..Plus, good for us , we have a cat( ---on weekends we sit at his LITTLE spiderman table(it's low & cat can eat right off of it)..So Im like if you don't eat it Iwhis( our cat) will get it,,don't let Iwhis get it!! ---then he really wants it.

but yeah, kids get in a routine. Daily breakfast at my house: waffles or french toast, oatmeal too....now he's on a grits kick!...for the last month it was cream of wheat!....& now my grandparents have him eating cheeze twists & he knows that's a NO NO..I don't allow snacks like that!!!...but I figure it's only once a week( when they watch him) ..

Your daughter has you wrapped around her finger.:-) (smile).TRY weaning..Put in HALF an EGG YOLK in scrambled so it looks more yellow & tell her it's the main meal & THEN have the french toast stick is the 'DESSERT'( maybe put some whipped cram on it(or fruit like a strawberry)...then you get a big fat SWEET kiss before work!!( I do like the eye rolling though--she's starting early--for those non family members who will get on her nerves at school!!lol!!) ..enjoy your weekend!!!!!

Aaron had one of those moments ONCE!!! ONLY ONCE! Austin proceeded to yoke his ass up by his collar & carry him to the car like that! That boy NEVER did it again! Craig I don't have to toast the bread BUT I do have to cut the crust off.

AND MY LATEST PET PEEVE: Of course kids eat with their eyes & always want what the adults have.. SOO of course lately when I am eating something they want some.. THIS DOES NOT GO OVER WELL WITH MY PREGNANT BEHIND!!! I have become like a lion with my food & HATE for people to even look at my food! lol

Brooke, the next time that boy wilds out on you in the mall...you walk over him and leave him right there..But its very IMPORTANT that you actually STEP OVER HIM..He must see this...It's a sign of authority...Like Snoop knocking down the buildings....Walk over him and walk away...And then when you catch up to your sister and she says "where's my son"...you simply reply..."huh?"

Her ass shoulda been watching him in the first place...You were obviously not prepared to handle that dude without a TASER! Let her deal with him...That's the beauty of being called AUNTIE or UNCLE...There's always an out clause...It's called..."I GOTTA GO!"

My sister trusts me implicitly with him, she just neglected to tell me that he learned that crap from some bad ass kid in school and thought it would work on me. Trust me when I tell you, he has NEVER done that again..with anyone. You get just one time to act a fool.

And who are YOU to talk about authority? You're still feeding your daughter stink fried eggs aren't you? TWO of them now I believe? so yeah...slow down :)

Ana...Yo baby would be in good hands with me. I'm responshospitable....

Philly Gurl...I tried that...My baby don't play that...I played that "i'm gonna eat it" game with her...and she calmly sat there and watched me eat the WHOLE DAMN THING..then my girl walks in and sees me eating her food...Now she's chewin' my ass out cuz she thinks I just smoked and I have the munchies...And my baby is laughing at me...

Why parents always say their kids learned bad shit outside the house? Sometimes they learn it at home!!!! And I rather my daughter eat stink ass fried eggs in private and fart her ass off all day in public... than have a child have an exorcism in the mall...

Nah, if my daughter got like that she's gonna be high alright...High up against the wall as I shake the change out of her...I'll hem her up against the wall, lifting her off her feet, like a detective working a petty thief for information...Yeah, I'll "Training Day" her ass...

LOL!! I can see Craig now, "I run this sh*t, you just live here! I'll burn this muthaf*cka down!Shoe program lil girl! 24 hour lock down! You'll be playing hopscotch in PELICAN BAY when I'm done with you! YO MAMA ain't got SH*T on ME!" LMAO!

lol!!...yes craig , very funny...but Rene...high cholest... eggs..my mom used to love eggs..ate them for breakfast lunch & dinner & had it......protien, good, eggs good( intermittently)..craig, next sumer she'll be on to something else...& I think your daughter knew her mom was gonna come in & see u eating the good & read you the riot act!!:-) to too funny...I have to do some work, Im not checking this anymore!!:-) --oh yea & if kids are in day care they CAN learn some stuff..I'ts just me & my son, so I know exactly what goes on in this house & some of the things he comes up with , Im like WHO DId that? WHO SAID that?& he will start naming all he kids at school..Chase said that...Yahmina told me to do that, Charlie's daddy did that..Ms Judy told me that, etc..& he's slick too , if he doesn't want me to know, I'll say WHO said that? & he says "I said that" & laughs his head off, then goes & looks in the mirror & strolls & says -amilli, amilli, amilli. b/c of the ONE time I had on that Little wayne video( new years day countdown on BET...DAMN them!!!

oh HELL NO! Please tell me Zaire isn't walking aroung doing that. I can't STAND it when I have a Lil Wayne hook in my head cuz of that damned Hot 97! I thought I was gonna kill myself one day on the train when I couldn't stop hearing "li li li li li lick ya like a lollipop" in my head!

Craig I love it, I needed that today. I am still in W2 hell. You have to download a picture so i can imagine you telling these stories.

When TJ was a baby (about 2)i would always tell him "stop it or ima kick your ass" so one day we on the M79 (the upper west side bus) and TJ keep pressing the bell so in a low firm voice i tell him to stop he yells "or else you gonna kick my ass, right mommy?" I was so embarassed all the uptight folks were looking at me.

LMAO @ Jess....Sometimes you just gotta kick your kid in the ass pant . I love my kid to death...The apple of my eye (never got that phrase but I use it)...But kids need a swift kick in the ass pant sometimes to get them in order...Her momma always kicking me in the asspant...

AnaJo...You gonna kick your kid in the asspant when you queef 'em out? Or are you gonna be a new age, yoga-bending, smoothie drinkin'...Oprah listenin parent that makes their child listen to audio books all day?

Craig NOW ARE YOU REALLY ASKING MY TASER & KNIFE WIELDING ASS IF I'M GOING TO BEAT MY KID??????Of course I am.. I'm going to be the one that slaps it when it comes out. I'm going to hit it & be like LET THAT BE A WARNING TO YA!!!!! I will not hesitate to yoke this kid up when it needs to be yoked..and you know what I probably won't even have to do that much. Once it's daddy has to give it that sideway glance IT'S A WRAP!!!!! lmao

What my mom did to me was that she would randomly smack the shit outta' me...Growing up, she knew I was sneaky and she knew at any point in time in the day, I was most likely getting over on her in some way, shape or form. So she would smack me out the blue. I'm sitting there...eating lunch and she would just slap the taste out my mouth and say "Don't do that shit again!" and when I get the feeling back in my tongue, I respond..."What I do, momma?" ...and she says...."you know!"....Left me there fucked up in the head trying to figure out what I did...This happened at least three times a week...Random slapping...Just to cover herself...Like insurance...But... she loves me...

For some reason "The Color Purple" is on my mind. I guess I'll watch it tonight.

"All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain't safe in a family of men, but I ain't never thought I'd have to fight in my own house!"

craig...u sound like my grandpop...he had 6 brothers & sisters. they lived in the country in s. carolina & walked miles to school..yadda yadda..anyway, his mom, my great grandmom nana, beat them when they woke up before school& after school. cuz she said, in the am she beat them 4 what they were GONNA do & in evenin she beat them 4 what they DID!!!

But B, you have to understand that there are some parents out there that want their child to act up so they have a reason to WHIP DEY ASSSSS! And then the kids tend to rebel more and more because they're constantly approached with anger. So what we have is this perpetual cycle of aggression between parent and child. A parent could follow their child to the kitchen and just watch them...hiding behind a lamp...waiting for their child to do something...

This is what that parent hiding behind the lamp is saying in their head:

Parent:" Looooord, I WANT you to touch those peanuts. I told not to touch them. I told you They're for nana boo. You touch those peanuts and I'mma whip yo ass. Boy, don't do it. No..Fuck it...I want you to do it." (FREEZE FRAME)

Let's rewind to this parents day at work. It's 5:00 pm. Amped to get the hell outta' dodge. Tom the Supervisor walks by with a stack of files to their desk.

Tom the Supervisor (Office Space Voice) Mmmm. Yeah. So, um...I have these files. And uh. I'm just gonna sit them right here on your desk.

Parent: But...

Tom the Supervisor: So I'm just gonna sit these files right here and if you can just run through them before you leave....(Pause) That would be great.

Parent: But...But..But, I have my coat on...

Tom the Supervisor: Yeah, right...The coat...So if I were you... I would take the jacket off...You can reach the files better that way.

Parent: But...But...Its my birthday.

Tom the Supervisor: Yeah...Um...Its mine too. So I'm gonna get outta here and you can leave it on my desk before you go.

Tom walks away. He comes back to their desk.

Tom the Supervisor: Yeah..and I'm gonna take this stapler off your hands too...Thanks...Greaaaat...

Parent: But my stapler.

FAST FORWARD TO THAT NIGHT:

WE RESUME WITH THE PARENT TALKING TO THEMSELF:

Parent: I should have punched him in the fuckin' face.

Parent catches their kid red handed...

"This mothafucka suckin on peanuts..."

Parent jumps out from behind the lamp and pounces on their child. Swinging with the memories of Supervisor Tom. Crazy but it happens...

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About Me

Over the years, I've been blessed to have spent time with, befriend, love, learn from and share experiences with people who have helped me grow and inspire me everyday. They have shared words of wisdom, strengthened me with encouragement, gave me joy with a smile, comforted me with a hug, gave clarity to my visions and dreams and renewed my spirit with faith. It is through family and friends that I manage to be happy and hopeful.
These relationships work because we share our philosophies, our personal truths and an outlook that prompts us to seek something greater in all and in ourselves. Sharing a journey heartedly illuminates our lives and enriches our experiences. It keeps us moving....always evolving....ever changing.
I have been transformed by the wisdom, opinions, insights and revelations of those who have shared their journey with me. It's a blessing I long to share with you through my first ever blog. For me, writing is a reflection of my own direct experience and I look forward to all of you sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.
So...with that said....can I just say.....??? :-)