McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

The Fastest Growing Jobs in Washington D.C

Attorney who wants to Make America Great Again. Childhood trauma preferred, but you don’t have to talk about it, just act on it without knowing why. Although you tire of them, you welcome comparisons to the Joker’s henchman in the opening scene of the Dark Knight Returns. Bring your own suit and striking haircut or jawline.

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Attorney with civil-right expertise. Deep knowledge of history and some form of printed proof of backbone to bring to the interview (we will return it). We will haze you, the A.C.L.U don’t play no games. Your Scrabble game is so strong it has caused divorces in and outside of your home.

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Attorney with extensive knowledge of constitutional law. Do not mind being on camera and also trending on Twitter accompanied by a racial slur you have never heard of. You don’t remember why you did it, but you memorized the Bill of Rights in Farsi.

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Journalist with working knowledge of this retro thing called “science” and its loyal soldiers facts (not “fax”). Beards preferred but not mandatory; we do require one of the following behavior patterns: coffee addiction, cigarette addiction, or just talking way too fast. Truth above all. Always looking over your shoulder. On second thought, it might be best if you are not in the Washington D.C. area.

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Guy, at the party, who knows about the complex inner-workings of a geopolitical ecosystem involving hundreds of agencies and motivations. Somehow, from the reading blog posts. Given any subject able to redirect to an article read a year ago, from a place you don’t remember, about the interesting backstory of why we are here. Secretly angry and afraid — near panic — but happy to let other people know about the real deal.

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Political consultant. Russian language knowledge preferred.

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Police Officer, preferably with crowd-control experience and your own riot gear. Calm but scary demeanor; getting really tired of these protests. Although we can’t tell you to be white, you might get more hours on the schedule if you are. Being a party host at Chuck E. Cheese’s does not count as previous crowd control experience.