Friday, May 14, 2010

Take my hand: Moody Blues

Over the past two months or so, we have fallen into the habit of getting together for something or the other, pretty often... The other day Giri and Seema had come to pick us up for one such potluck gathering. I was getting out of our garage when I saw Giri leaning over his steering wheels and kissing Seema, pretty heatedly. Quickly I stepped back and hid myself. I could feel my heart racing. I couldn't tell exactly what it was. I wasn't jealous or hurt, but, then maybe I was, a bit of both. Of course I knew Giri loved his wife! And they had been married for hardly a year! But... I was sort of moody all evening. Giri came over to whisper something in my ear and I catapulted out of my seat. He raised a single eyebrow at me. Humph. Anish asked me if I had a headache.. I felt irritation at being so transparently disturbed. I made an effort to pull myself together.

This manifested in the form of loud guffaws and repeated requests for my Rita to be refilled... I begun to feel a bit dizzy and a headache had actually materialized by this time. Seema drew me out on the verandah by my hand. The slight chill from the outside air felt good on my flushed skin. Our hosts had put mini-bulb streamers over their railings. The effect was very festive. In all that glow, I felt tearful.. unable to handle my moodiness and the alchohol and the meaningless chatter of the past two hours. Seema put her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulders. I was comforted by her presence there with me.. We came home and Giri did not even look at me when we said bye. I suppose that was fair given that I hadn't behaved very well with him all of the evening. Anish and him had made plans for playing tennis the next day. I declared I was unwell and made them cancel the plan. This is so uncharacteristic of me that everyone fell silent. I knew I was bungling things up... but couldn't seem to be able to get a grip.

"Giri Calling" said the display on my cell phone. This was Tuesday of the following week. I let it buzz away... "New Voicemail". I quickly dialed my vm box. Giri's message said: "I am coming to pick you up for lunch at 12:30. Dont disappoint me". Hmm. We hadn't spoken at all since Friday. I'd wasted gallons of tears over the weekend. Anish was disgusted with me. By the way, I wasn't crying for Giri at all. Honestly, no!!! By this time, I was seriously grieving. Why did I lose two pregnancies? Why do I feel so empty! Why could I not be totally happy with Anish? I was severly strung up. A busy day at work on Monday had me cured pretty much.

Today, I was feeling embarrassed and wondering how to fix things. Not quiet ready to face Giri on my own, I called Anish and asked him if he wanted to join us. Of course he said no. Spoken gruffly and impatiently, he made me feel foolish for asking. At 12:35, I got another call from Giri. I walked out of the office without picking up the phone. He was waiting right outside. We went to Taco Bell and picked up Burritos from the drive through.. then we went to the shore-front and ate our lunch sitting side by side on a bench. We chatted easily, as usual, but I could sense he was watching me.. waiting for me. I really did not know what to say. And then I forced myself to look at him straight in the eyes hoping to find the words. No words were necessary.. He touched my cheeks gently with the tip of his fingers.

Sometimes we communicate nonverbally things that we dont know how to say out loud... Thats why, some disagreements melt away when in you are in bed with your partner versus arguing about it ad nauseum.. That's why long distance relationships are so difficult. Giri and I spent an hour talking, about nothing in particular. He ignored Friday, did not bring it up at all. While he had not called over the weekend, he'd bothered to come down here today. It was sort of out of line. But, I was just grateful and happy. Seeing him today had helped me fully unwind. I also decided to let go trying to rationalize over what had busted in my head...

I picked up some flowers on my way home and made a special dinner that evening to make up with Anish. We had shrimp cutlets, smoked eggplant marinated with spices and raw vegies (best translation I can make for begun pora) and chapatis. Also, I baked a walnut chocolate cake at home because I know that is Anish's favorite. My sweetheart was all for making up and making out. It turned out profitable all around.