Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Can I Grasp The Overwhelming Feeling?

I have a feeling that I can't seem to shake. Actually I can't seem to really put into words what it is. All I can say is that I feel Overwhelmed. I enjoy my job, I have great kids, I am an entertainer, but there is always something missing. Something that is just beyond my grasp.

My move to the big city has been good, but I can't live in the lifestyle that I am accustom to; which tends to be rather lavish. I have to pour most of my money into my accommodations, it's just not right. I am in my forties and I am spinning my wheels to make ends meet, this is one of the things that is just out of my grasp. I feel if I could just jump high enough I just might reach it, and then money wouldn't be a stress anymore. But reality check says, it's a problem, and unfortunately I don't see an end in site.

My relationship has left me with that dirty cotton ball feeling in my mouth. I am alone and lonely. In my relationship I was alone and lonely, which I think is worse. It was a horrible situation where no ones needs got met and no one comes out alive. It's was sad state of affairs. There is no new prospects of a better relationship. I don't' think I even know, or would know how to do a good relationship. This scares me, I like this part out of my grasp, then I still feel safe.

In this move to the big city, I haven't gotten to know people that well, nothing like it was at home. I struggle feeling alone, but it is more in a soulful place. My friends from home, they, know my soul, and it is hard not to live near them. This brings a strange feeling of isolation, I do have chats with them on the phone; but it's the feeling that I can't just slip out and feed that emptiness in my soul. That, is what is just out of my grasp

My body has gone through changes these past months, I've lost 47 pounds! It is quite an accomplishment but the plateau's are not so good. I still have a lot of weight to lose and I feel discouraged in this area as well, it's such a struggle to lose the weight. Another thing just out of my grasp.