[CROWD CHEERS]
ANNOUNCER: HE'S THE OLDEST CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD.
ANNOUNCER: LIKE, SUPER OLD
ANNOUNCER: OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHEN DANCING WAS A SIN.
ANNOUNCER: AND BEER WAS SERVED IN A BUCKET.
ANNOUNCER: BUT IS HE READY TO LEAD?
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
HEY AMERICA, I'M PARIS HILTON AND I'M A CELEBRITY TOO.
ONLY, I'M NOT FROM THE OLDEN DAYS,
AND I'M NOT PROMISING CHANGE LIKE THAT OTHER GUY.
I'M JUST HOT.
BUT THEN THAT WRINKLY, WHITE HAIRED GUY USED ME IN HIS CAMPAIGN AD,
WHICH I GUESS MEANS I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
SO THANKS FOR THE ENDORSEMENT WHITE HAIRED DUDE,
AND I WANT AMERICA TO KNOW THAT I'M LIKE TOTALLY READY TO LEAD.
AND NOW I WANT TO PRESENT MY ENERGY POLICY FOR AMERICA.
JUST AS SOON AS I FINISH READING THIS ARTICLE ON WHERE
I CAN FLY TO-TO GET THE BEST TAN.
OH, MAUI, LOVES IT.
OK, SO HERE'S MY ENERGY POLICY.
BARACK WANTS TO FOCUS ON NEW TECHNOLOGIES TO CUT FOREIGN OIL DEPENDENCY,
AND MCCAIN WANTS OFFSHORE DRILLING.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE DO A HYBRID OF BOTH CANDIDATES' IDEAS?
WE CAN DO LIMITED OFFSHORE DRILLING WITH STRICT ENVIRONMENTAL
OVERSIGHT WHILE CREATING TAX INCENTIVES TO GET DETROIT MAKING
HYBRID AND ELECTRIC CARS.
THAT WAY THE OFFSHORE DRILLING CARRIES US UNTIL THE NEW
TECHNOLOGIES KICK IN WHICH WILL THEN CREATE NEW JOBS AND ENERGY INDEPENDENCE.
ENERGY CRISIS SOLVED.
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE DEBATES BITCHES.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO PICK OUT A VICE PRESIDENT.
I'M THINKING RIHANNA. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
OH, AND I MIGHT PAINT IT PINK.
I HOPE THAT'S COOL WITH YOU GUYS.
BYE.
I'M PARIS HILTON AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE BECAUSE I THINK IT'S TOTALLY HOT.