A man who feared his dream of becoming a yob would be shattered by disability has won a place to study Shouting in the Street.

Kelvin Chandler, 19, discovered yesterday that he can start at London South Bank University in September, whatever the outcome of his three A-levels in Threatening Neighbours, Doing A Sideways Gun Gesture Like They Do In LA and Walking Down The Street Without A Shirt On.

Urban foxes across the UK are taking greater risks than ever, with some ploughing all their money into volatile energy and healthcare stocks.

Previously content with digging holes under garden fences or killing rabbits, the creatures are dabbling in uncertain sectors such as precious metals and energy.

One homeowner from Streatham, south London, told us: “I was in the garden and when I went back into the kitchen, there was an urban fox, just staring at me, unafraid. He slowly closed the utilities purchase he was making on his laptop and sauntered out.”

A spokesman for the RSPCA said: “Urban foxes in gardens used to be very risk averse, and would bolt if you approached them. Now they’re throwing caution to the wind and ploughing huge amounts into Asian football spread bets and Chinese app manufacturers.”

An advertising executive from Bath has failed to take off his Glastonbury wristband because he has just not had the time, he revealed last night.

Asked to comment on the fact that he was still wearing the green band nearly two weeks after attending his first ever festival, Tom Creeghall, 34, told us: “I know, it’s crazy. I just haven’t got round to it.

“People keep coming up to me and saying oh did you go? Before you know it, they’ve dragged a ten-minute anecdote out of me, recounting how close I was to the Rolling Stones. And how someone who I saw speaking to Rizzle Kicks asked me if I knew where the toilets were.

“Once I’ve cut this thing off, those people won’t try to prise these stories out of me and I can go about my life again.”

Creeghall’s girlfriend, Jade Moloney, 28, told The Daily News that she had offered to cut off his Glastonbury wristband at the same time she removed hers, but that he claimed he was “busy doing something”.

“But it looked to me like he was just sitting on the sofa staring at the ceiling,” she said.

Fast food in Britain is defying the recession, with an estimated blah blah blah. Okay, that’s the science, now let's make some obvious jokes about pickled eggs.

Kebabs. Like video games, not being able to spot things in the fridge and constantly clearing their throats, this is pretty much an all-male domain. Usually drunk males. Usually men who are so drunk that they have at some point in their lives staggered through the plate-glass window of BHS and tried to order one from a mannequin in the mistaken belief they were in a kebab shop.

6) Murray’s 128mph serve. Faster than a speeding bomb! Praise be! Actually, 128mph is the speed I have to run from Mrs Abu Qatada when she catches me with my hand in the Cadbury’s Celebrations. Only kidding, Mrs Q!

This all-star thriller has done big business but all we know about it is this poster (okay, and one trailer we saw a month ago). But that doesn’t mean we can’t make a dreadfully ill-informed guess at the plot...

1990. Smartarse magician Paul Daniels (Jesse Eisenberg) is being taught his first trick by his dad (irrelevant actor). Something involving a coin. It’s pretty neat. Just as the magic of, er, magic hits Paul for the first time, a cop car appears at the end of their long farm road, dust rising into the air like plumes of, er, dust (Get on with it – ed).

As Egypt falls into the hands of the military, The Daily News offers another useful guide to doing things yourself. Don’t try this at home, although admittedly it’s hard to stage a military coup where you live, as our grandmother discovered at her nursing home only last week.

Music producer Dr Dre was said to be devastated last night after the efficiency of his own headphones prevented him from hearing the axe murder of elderly neighbours.

The rapper claims that the superior audio experience offered by his Beats brand meant he completely missed the incident, in which Ira and Mabel Finkelstein were robbed and then divided into dozens of pieces with a chainsaw.