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Today’s Column

January 14, 2011

Second marriages come with baggage

My fiancée of two years has been divorced from her husband for five years. I've been divorced for seven. She has four children ages13 to 19; I have two sons, ages 13. My divorce wasn't as amicable as hers, and her ex-husband lives nearby.

He frequently visits; they consider each other best friends. Holidays are our biggest problem.

Christmas Eve is always spent with her ex's family, and then he sleeps over (guest room) for Christmas morning with their children. Christmas Day we all spend with her family, including her ex and his partner. Boxing Day's for just the six of them. Her children have no problems with my children, or me but don't appear interested in combining our families.

When I suggested that her family go to one of my family's events, she said she had to consult with her ex and children. When I suggested that it's inappropriate for her ex to sleep over, and about including myself and children next Boxing Day, Easter Monday, etc., she got upset and told them all. It's caused strain in our relationship.

Sidelined

Time for The Talk. Getting engaged signified you both expected a marriage in future. So how does she think all this will work then... still with sleepovers? And can you sleep over at your ex's if things get friendlier between you?

Discuss together how you'll each handle combining your lives - the timing, implications for children (do hers have to agree first?), your time commitments to your kids, etc.

You two need to define agreed boundaries with ex'es, if you're to stay together.

I recently found out that my fiancé isn't a virgin, like me. I'm 25, he's 26. We've talked about sex, and I always thought it wouldn't be a big deal, that we'd get tested for STDs before we got married.

Recently, he came out and said he wasn't a virgin; he'd lost it to his ex-girlfriend when he was 22, two years before he met me. I've always suspected it. He knew that I was a virgin two weeks into our relationship.

To say the least, I'm hurt that he didn't wait for me! I feel empty. I love him but I feel jealous that his ex-girlfriend experienced something with him that I never will. I'll never experience sex with someone as clueless about it as I am!

I'm wondering why I can't move on. Should I confront him with my feelings, or is there something I can do to change how I feel? I still respect him and love him, I just feel almost betrayed that he slept with someone else, even if it was before he met me.

Upset

While some couples commit to virginity before marriage, your own instinct had alerted you to the realistic possibility that he'd had sex with his previous girlfriend.

The problem is not that he did, but that he deceived you. And for that reason, you need to assure yourself and him, that lying and deceiving are unacceptable between a loving couple.

Once assured, you cannot undo the past. Staying fixated on this is a dangerous set-up for feeling sexually disappointed with him, and acting punitive or angry in the part of your life when you most need compassion, forgiveness, and true intimacy.

Despite your strong reasons for this previous vow of chastity, if you love this man and want a fulfilled happy life with him, get over it.

My mother's offended that my sister-in-law doesn't call her and my father, "Mom and Dad," though invited to do so. But my SIL calls them by their first names.

I've told my mother that none of my friends nor I refer to our in-laws as Mom and Dad and that it may be a generational/personal preference. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling anyone else as my parents. What's today's etiquette?

Curious

-"Etiquette" has always called for respect, but today's "rules" aren't rigid. It IS personal. Rather than define it as generationally different, it's what's common among your own community's younger couples that usually influences this decision.

If your sister-in-law showed the respect to explain, herself, that she feels uncomfortable, or fears hurting her own parents, your mother might better understand. Also, once babies arrive, new names often take hold, as in Nana, Granny, etc. and these cover the whole relationship.

Tip of the day:

When planning to re-marry, a couple needs to agree on dealings and boundaries with their ex'es.