As America's Second Great Depression wears on and the Christmas season approaceth, it's time to think about present budgeting, even for the nation's top 10% of wealth. They've settled on a spending figure, and it's even lower than last year.

The American Affluence Research Center — yes this exists, and is likely run out of a home in Lexington, MA and its mascot is a Saab playing tennis — called up 439 folks whose net worth is $800,000 or greater and asked them "How much are you, er is Santa, planning on spending on Christmas, er holiday, gifts this season?" The richies' average answer? A meager $2,370, down from last year's pathetic $2,399. Guys! Only $2400?? What are you, Dickensian Londoners scraping meat off an emaciated goose carcass? You gotta make it rain on the Savior's birthday! 10k at least.

You — all of you, not just rich people — should be paying off Christmas until well into July. How else are your kids going to know you love them? How else will college students get sweet gift certificates? How else will the young men of this country wear new sweaters on January dates? How??? Christmas is the greatest time of the year because it's an insane melee of consumerism that enriches and enlivens even the crustiest and blackest of coal-souls, and all anybody is willing to do to support that tradition, to support the entire US economy, is fist out a measly $2400??

Advertisement

No wonder we're in the hole. You stingy Ebenezers can't do your part to stimulate. You're the prudish girl at the Seven Minutes in Heaven party, basically. No stimulation whatsoever. And you know what? You've broken baby God's heart. Just broken it in two.