Just The Facts

They conviniently always forgot to mention that in those "just say no" advertisements.

Cracked on Sherlock Holmes

Allow us to introduce you to the important characters in Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective. Because they didn't have the word "P.I." back then. A genius. Also heavily into coke. And some morphine. And when he gets old, he retires to farm bees. And that is canonical.

And while I am here, how come they always, or at least into the eighties, portray Holmes with a deerstalker? By walking around in a deerstalker in Victorian London, he would have looked like a complete and utter moron who wouldn't be able to locate the loud ringing alarmclock for the primeminister of Mywatchisunderyourstupidhattistan if someone had cleverly hidden it in the deerstalker. Of course, we at Cracked are not experts on the dressing habits of 19th century cokeheads. They might very well have dressed as if they just got of the 4.23 train from Rutland.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes biggest fan. Most of his job is to be astounded and write down the mysteries in some sort of early metafiction. He gets all the hot ladies what comes his way. Seriously, he describes himself as being a firstclass babemagnet, having scored across many nations and three continents. We would have to do some actual research to be sure, but we are willing to wager the sandwich in the fridge with the word "Brockway" on the bag that he was the first Mary Sue.

Also, he is a jerk. Several times over the course of the series, he promises the keep the case a secret, yet, we are reading a story ostensibly written by Watson, only a few years after it took place. Is it not betrayal of trust if you wait three or four years to publish it in a national magazine?

Those are the two maincharacters. Most other character fullfill pretty much the same part as Watson: Being impressed by Holmes. Except for the villains, who are pretty much like Scooby Doo villains, except for the crazy disguises. In The Sign of the Four, the villain, much like a Scooby Doo villain, the second he is caught, freely admits everything, from murder to prison break to having stolen his sisters Barbie with he was five. He even gives them the murderweapon. We don't have the book in front of us at the moment, but we are pretty sure that he then adds "and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling consulting detectives and your damn dog!". Oh, yeah, in that story he also has a dog.

Holmes, either arresting someone, or looking for coke-money.

One day, Arthur Conan-Doyle, writer and creator of Sherlock Holmes and three time winner of "Most first-names packed into a full name", decided to kill Holmes, because, I dunno, he probably had better stuff to do. So, he had Holmes fight his arch-enemy that he totally had all along but who we, and Watson, had just never heard about until that story, Moriarty, by a large waterfall. They fall down and they both die! Well, we never see them die. Watson isn't around, but Holmes left a note saying that he is dead. Which, we think, is pretty considerate. And, unlike what you may think, we never actually meet Moriarty. Like some sort of your friends girlfriend from Canada that you don't know, he shows up moments after Watson has left.

So, that was the plan, killed by the canadian girlfriend. Conan-Doyle, recieved so many letters that he, some years later, wrote a new story, taking place before Holmes died. People was not satisfied, so he had Holmes turn up alive, having thrown Moriarty into his death and faked his own. Then he popped up several years later, apparently having fought crime in secret. Hopefully, like some sort of 19th century british Batman. Then life went on as if nothing ever happened.

Plenty of people have played Sherlock Holmes, like Basil Rathbone

"Watson, I am being told I look like a dick in this hat!"

Jeremy Brett

"Man, that Rathbone guy looks like a dick in that hat."

This here dog

Woof, my dear Watson.

Recently, Robert Downey Jr., a man who might very well have, or at least throught he did, competed with Holmes in a Cocaine-off, has played the part, and Sascha "BrÃ�Â¼no/Borat/Ali-G/Offensive G. Stereotype." Baron-Cohen is slated to play the part in an upcoming movie. Frankly, we preferred the dog.