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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Well, my damies. It's the All-Star break. And as is my wont, I'm going to take advantage of this nominal happening, and give myself the break by taking a week from having to come up with hot sports takes AND/OR jokes about the annus' (pronounced annus-ees, obviously) of female tennis players or celebrity sluts...

I'll still contribute to this week's Interwebbing, though. By linking you to stories written by other hot takers who don't seem to be lacking in motivation and/or caught up in the fantastic idea of an All Star siesta. Probably because they're actually "fairly compensated" for their particular hot takes, but that's not where I'm trying to go with this. I'm not working class warrior, it's something else. And that was a quote I took from High Fidelity and mangled to fit my own point. Jack Black crushes in that. But I'm sure you already knew that. OR didn't, because you watched Nacho Libre instead. Which is why I despise your kind, and secretly hope that every movie like Tammy is really a government sting operation with the goal of torturing then deporting anyone dumb enough to fork over American currency to watch that thing. Preferably to one of those countries where they'll kill you for being American, too. Not one where you can take the rest of your American dollars and immediately become their dictator. Pretty sure that would just make things worse...

But, alas. Here we are. And if you haven't been sufficiently offended with my broad statements (pun intended...you know, because Melissa McCarthy is fat), here are those aforementioned links and whatnot. Enjoy...

Meh, I couldn't resist. So here's Serena Williams grinding with...her accountant?
It's like a modern day Sonny & Cher, right there. You know, if Sonny & Cher
were ever in and R Kelly video...

*The sports radio scene in Boston (at least after 10 AM) has basically become one giant PinkHat dumpster fire (one topic I heard discussed for 10 minutes this week was female MMA...?). The Boston Herald thinks it's because the Red Sox aren't any good. And while they might be right, the numbers they cite choose to ignore the fact that the Bruins played well into June, last year. Regardless. WEEI and The Sports Hub helped create and feed the bandwagon mentality that currently DEFINES Boston sports' fans. And that only works when there's a bandwagon on which the PinkHats can jump...

Yeah. It can be kinda hard when you actually have to work to produce content instead of just ra-ra-ing it up and filing time with clips from YouTube and Deadspin, guy...

*Drew Magary, as is often the case, said exactly what I was thinking in terms of LeBron James and his return to Cleveland. That hot take is here. There's also this great video, mocking the Cleveland "faithful" that made a sport of destroying their LeBron gear when he originally took his taint to South Beach. And, no. That wasn't a typo. I figure you make an announcement like a ass, then you treated like one. OR at least treated like the area that's right next to it...

*Here's Jeb Lund telling it like it is on Twitter. A world where "sharing" and "stealing" are essentially becoming the same thing. And how many are willfully ignorant when it comes to giving credit where credit is due. AKA ESPN's wet dream... #sources

*Speaking of ESPN. The British Open gets underway tomorrow, and everyone wants to know whether or not Tiger Woods has a shot to win. I certainly don't think so (though I'd love to see it happen), but the guys over at Sports on Earth have their own take. And more or less a good overview of what this particular Open means for Tiger and the game of golf at large (except for the part where they refer to Justin Rose as "South African"...?)...

For the record, I'm picking Adam Scott. He's been close a few times recently at The Open, and this is the year I think he finally gets it done. Or not. But I'd give him the slight edge over other favorites such as Rory McIlroy, Justin Rose, and defending champion Phil Mickelson...

*Mark Newhouse (4th from left) has made the World Series of Poker Main Event final table for the 2nd straight year. Last year, he outlasted 6,352 entrants to turn the trick. And this year he sits 3/9 after making his way through a field of 6,683. The top prize is $10 million with each of the remaining 9 players guaranteed at least $730,000. Play will conclude in early November...

This doesn't make Newhouse the best player in the world, or anything. But it's a mighty impressive accomplishment, nonetheless...

*Barring unforeseen craziness, I'll be going to see the new Planet of The Apes flick sometime over the next week. I hear it's the jump off, and I'm sure I'll give you my hot take on the topic when next we meet. For now, here's the film's latest "featurette" to be released. Because, ya know. Trailers are for Teds...

*Oh, and in other "entertainment news". I came across this last night when I was flipping through the guide...

I mean, Hitler's Jurassic Zoo looks watchable. With the potential for mutant super animals, and whatnot. But is this really a functioning TV network's prime time lineup? Good God. Though on the plus side, Tammy should slide in there quite nicely in a few weeks. Even better, it can be a whole Melissa McCarthy block! You know, because I'm assuming she's the star of Drug Kingpin Hippos, too. I'M FAT AND IT'S FUNNY, DAMMIT! WATCH MY FREAKING SHOWS!!!

Yeah, OK. Well I'll be back next week with a look at the Sox in the 2nd half. But until then, friends. You be good. And look out for those Man-Eating Zombie Cats. Because apparently they're a thing. Unless 'Zombie Cats' is code for hot dogs. In which case I'm pretty sure that show is starring Joey Chestnut. OR maybe that loser from Man vs Heart Disease. Either way, I'm done. And I'll catch you Teds next time...