2. Oh, and Buddy's now not only worth every cent, they should probably throw in the Harbour Bridge, a Blue Mountain and that car Pup gave Lara Bingle just to make sure he's not being short-changed.

3. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a group of highly paid young men in fetching orange and grey watches the hysteria over Geelong's record loss and muses, ''Pah, that's nothing. We get smashed by 100 points every week.''

4. We seem to have missed the chance to be outraged by the fact that Clay Smith and Hamish Hartlett can no longer win this year's Brownlow.

5. Apropos of nothing, I hope Hirdy's settling in for the Dreamtime game with a nice Bordeaux and some stinky cheese.

Advertisement

ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO

Do you know this has got nothing to do with footy, but you're going to mention that Warney's moved on to a ''lads' magazine cover girl'' anyway because it makes you laugh? Have you noticed how nobody says anything about six-day breaks until their team gets the suitcase belted out of it on the back of one? Lower your eyes and kick it to Kurt with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Rack up more points than there were stats nerds in a lather on Thursday night, and you win!

This weekend's targets:

– The match review panel finds Adam Goodes guilty of rough conduct for his bump on Joel Selwood on the grounds that ''contact wasn't any worse than anything Little Gary's done lately, but you're not going to win the Brownlow again anyway so have a week off and help us look like we're doing our job'' – one rule for some points.

– Greg Swann retreats to a luxury black and white yacht moored off a remote Caribbean island, where the lapping waves sound vaguely like a maniacally cackling Eddie McGuire, content that no more can be done to ensure the Collingwood-orchestrated destruction of Carlton and Mick Malthouse – inside job points.

– Outgoing AFL chief Andrew Demetriou vacates the big chair a couple of weeks early, declaring that when ''Richmond drops Tyrone Vickery'' is considered news, the game is in deep shit and good luck with all that, Gill – and can you do something about GWS while you're at it points.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

Six steps from Joel Selwood to Kyle Sandilands:

1. Joel Selwood is the captain of the Geelong Football Club, which isn't as much fun this week as it usually is but at least he's got his health, although if he keeps dropping at the knees and leading with his head like that he could end up looking like ...

2. Gladstone Small, who was an English cricketer with virtually no neck at all but that didn't stop him cleaning us up and winning the Ashes out here one year, even with some idiot in the crowd throwing him a banana, which is exactly why we need people like ...

3. Michael Long, who started out trying to walk to Canberra and 10 years later he's just going to walk across the river but the message is the same and it's not for us to point out that Longy's been in a good paddock and we don't mean the sort where you'll find ...

4. Makybe Diva, who's a horse who won the Melbourne Cup three times and never had to use the elbow because they couldn't catch her, but if Stevie Baker had done that to Liam Picken he would have been hit with a bigger stick than the one carried by ...

5. Steve Hooker, who was a pole-vaulting ranga who jumped higher than anyone in Beijing but couldn't get over the bar in London and he barracks for Carlton, not that we'll hold that against him, and last month he retired which is a lead many wish would be followed by ...

6. Kyle Sandilands, who's on brekkie radio with a woman whose last name is O, which is the shape your mouth forms pretty much every time he opens his trap because to put it mildly he's a big loser in Sydney, something that's now familiar to Joel Selwood.

FOOTYHEAD SAYS

From the bloke who thinks folks might be getting a little ahead of themselves:

''You've been keenly watching the results for 10 weeks, making nonsense of pre-season predictions and listening to endless talk about pedigree, form, windows and destiny. But for all your theorising, opinions you've borrowed and others you made up, there's only one undeniable truth. No one is in a position to be premiers until a grand final starts, and that's a few months off yet.''