Ve haff vays to make you talk!

Tags:

Oh, so you’re a tough guy, huh? Suppose we cram brussel sprouts down your throat and make you watch “Jersey Shore?”

It won’t work. I won’t sell out my friends. There’s nothing you can do!

Is that right? Sergeant, bring out “Lonnie and his Yodeling Accordionettes.”

You unspeakabe savages! Push me to extremes, I shall not break!

Oh, and Sergeant, bring out Miss Arkansas and her dummies. Then we’ll see what Blog Guy has to say.

So, we’ve got around 6,200 troops, hiding just north of the town in the old factory. We’re almost out of ammo. There’s no guard at the rear door. You can hear our top-secret plans on this secret radio frequency… Wait, I’m not finished talking yet!

Top: Miss Arkansas Alyse Eady performs a ventriloquist act during the talent segment of the 2011 Miss America Pageant in Las Vegas, January 15, 2011. Eady went on to become the first runner-up. REUTERS/Steve Marcus

Left: Top candidate of German Social Democrats for the upcoming Saxony state elections, Thomas Jurk, plays the accordion during a campaign rally in Leipzig August 9, 2009. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

True story, as Pat Robertson would say. When I was a very young reporter in the Midwest, I covered the Indiana State Fair every August, and being an agricultural event, they crowned a queen for every crop. Corn Queen, Oat Queen, a queen for every farm animal, etc.

Anyway, one year I mused in the newsroom that there was a Pork Queen, and I wondered what woman on earth would want that title. So we had a contest among the journalists to come up with a better title for the same contest.

I came in second, with Pig ‘O My Heart, which you may not get if you know nothing of American barbershop quartet songs.