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Friday, November 25, 2011

Unpublished Draft "A day is a day is a day...."

Hi All,

Well we made it through Thanksgiving and had a good time. Katie's fantastic sister Eden came up with Justin and we had a good dinner. I just finished a plate of totally unneeded leftovers and now I feel pretty sick...

Today marks my first trip to visit Katie. I had gone to the post office to pick up the mail from our P.O. box on my motorcycle and when I got home I looked at Katie's Ducati, which hasn't been ridden much lately and decided that it needed a ride. I started out without a clear goal in mind and ended up at the cemetery. Last time I was close I was picking up the death certificate from the funeral home and the canopy was still in place from her service and it was just a bit too much so I didn't stop. Today I walked to her grave to say hi.

Our plots sit next to a stream that travels through the cemetery and standing there listening to the wind in the trees and the water in the stream I was knew we had picked the right place. I plan on having a bench installed for our headstones and I'm looking forward to being able to go sit and visit.

Below you will find the next in the line of Katie's unpublished drafts. This one really hurts...

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Dear friends,

Living my life by blocks of days, tests, and treatments takes a toll on my psyche. There are good days, there are bad days, there are wonderful days, and there are awful days. I try to spread them out so nobody feels neglected. The funny thing is that there is really no telling (most of the time) which days might get which hat.

Today was an ok day. I'm coming out of the extreme yuckiness of my last chemo treatment which is a good day, but it also means that I'm just tired of the fight. I'm tired of waking up wondering how I'll feel, wondering if I roll over, will my stomach roll over too. Wondering if anything will sound, smell, or taste ok, let alone good.

Everyone says to take it one day at a time and that is a good philosophy, but "one" days at a time add up to an awful lot of days that seem to take an awful long time. Living in the moment is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the moment just slips by without my realizing it ticked without my hearing it. It's a good thing there are many other moments to seize.

1 week = 7 days
10 weeks = 70 days
6 months = 182 days
1 year = 365

You get the math. Today equals 146 days since my diagnosis and yes I'm happy to be alive, but on the other hand the days seem to add up rather slowly. I slipped through Mother's Day and all I have to say is that there should be a Kevin day. He did all the mothering to me and for me. These periods that I spend in bed are periods where I just disappear from everything. The boys get used to their Dad tucking them into bed, bathing them, cooking for them, etc. etc. (Mind you, Kevin's done all the cooking prior, but it still adds to the list) He helps me in and out of bed and cleans up after me... every day should be his day.

My chemo break sure went quickly. When I headed in last Friday for treatment, it was almost like a long forgotten memory. Unfortunately, the memory came back like a brick to the head and the routine continues on. Blood work is as normal as normal is. Ironically, I never have a good sense of what the results will be like. If I feel especially bad, the results might be better than normal and vice versa. Kevin has always said, I've never been in tune with my physical body anyway.

51 comments:

Bill
said...

Hey Kevin, I'm sorry for your loss..I heard from my brother cause he had been working for your dad at the time. I can't imagine being in your situation, and I'm sure it's hard on the kids as well. Keep your head up, I don't know you to well, but I can tell your a great guy and a good dad. Your dad did so much for me, and I know I would not be the man I am today if it had not been for him, so as weird as it may seem, being that I don't know you that well, I really feel for the situation. Everyone I have met in your family seems genuinely nice, and though I have only met Katie once, she seemed the same. I always felt excepted by everyone I met in the family and that means Katie and you both. I came from an extremely rough home, and I'd go to Paul's because it felt safe. I know it was draining on Paul at times, and yet he never turned his back on me. I'm also sure the family was aware of it as well, and yet all of you seemed so kind to me anyways. I remember you and Katie coming down to visit when I was over, and it didn't seem to bother you that I was awkwardly there when you were trying to visit your dad. Haha. So anyway, your family means a lot to me, and my thoughts and prayers are with you Kevin.

Good morning, Kevin. The days go by as you learn to survive without your lovely Katie by your side. Please know that so many of us continue to pray for you and the boys; when you need to cry, we will help you let the tears flow...

It was so hard for Katie to be so sick. I know she worried about you. The first thought I had reading her note was that she is no longer in pain. She went through an awful time, learned for real how much you loved her in a way that wasn't necessary, and now is free from pain. You stood up at the hardest time and not everyone does. You are being tested and you are excelling. My heart goes out to you as these days following are so hard. I hope you have moments of peace.

Kevin the place you picked our for Katie sounds absolutely peaceful and I can just imagine it with the bench there for you and the boys.Thanks for sharing another of Katie's drafts with us. I wish my friend Jeanne would of done that during her fight with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Might of giving us all a sense of how it really was for her. Reading Katie's stories bring back all the memories of my BFF and her fight and makes me miss her all the more.

The first times of everything is difficult Kevin, a bench for you to sit is a good idea, t allows you time to sit and gather your thoughts,on refection of Katies post it was clear that things were tough, try to take some comfort in the knowlege that her suffering is no more.I can't imagine you on her bike, it always looked so small in comparrison with your own bike, I have an image in my head of your knees being on line with your ears as you ride it.So glad Eden made it to you for thanksgiving.Jak x

The plot sounds beautiful. I love the idea of a bench. I am also so thaankful that you had a great Thanksgiving. All of us mother hens are worried about you! Thanks for posting Katie's words. Hugs from Texas....

What a beautifully uplifting post you've given us today :) I knew Katie would be in a beautiful place, but you description has made it even more so :)Thank you for your bravery in publishing Katies unfinished posts, they are filling in the gaps we shared with her :D XXX

Hi Kevin. Glad yu had a nice Thanksgiving. It osunds like your plots are in a very beautiful setting, I think a bench is a lovely idea. Katie's draft was very moving, thank you for sharing it with us x

I thought about you and your family on Thanksgiving. I'm so glad you were not alone but with family. Your plots sound beautiful (that is so odd to say) and I agree that a bench would be an awesome thing. I'm glad you were able to go and say "hi". I know that in the future it will be a place where you will draw comfort when you need it. Somehow I know that Katie will always be there for you, and you will continue to feel her presence. Hugs to you and the boys. Best, Curt

Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Kevin. I am sure that going to sit for the first time with Katie was an uneasy feeling until you got there and were able to listen to the winds and stream and know that she is at peace. Still, I think you are SO brave for sharing your story with us. Reading Katie's drafted posts makes me so sad but in a way makes me feel like it keeps her spirit so very much alive. Thinking of you today and every day...

Kevin, thanks for sharing your time with us again and letting us know how you are doing. It's good to know Katie's Ducati got to be taken out and that you were able to visit her resting place. Sometimes being close to nature with the stream and wind can help relax you and give you time to think. Those times will be important to you as you go about your daily routines; a little peaceful break where you can sit and remember the good times you and Katie shared. Please know that as the holidays approach we will all be thinking of you and your family, and sending written support and love to comfort you. Keeping you all in my prayers! Hugs, Charlotte

I am happy to hear that your Thanksgiving was a good day spent with family. Your visit with Katie in such a lovely aetting was good.

Thank you for sharing another of Katie's posts. Even with all the love and support her difficult journey was a solitary one - unless you had experienced it yourself, the true reality of it was Katie's. Kind words were sent to her with love and I am sure they helped her motivation to fight, but the battle was too much at times for words.

You take care Kevin. You and the boys are in my prayers every day. Wishing you a good week.

So glad you were able to enjoy the holiday and I'm sure Katie was happy to have you visit. It breaks my heart all over again to read this post. I don't have cancer, but my husband does so much for me and our family, so I can't help but connect to this post. You are an amazing father, and husband. I'm sure this was so bittersweet to read. In the end, love, love, love is what matters the most. Thank you for sharing, Kevin. My prayers are with you and the boys. Your family is such an inspiration. Hugs, Angelica

Kevin, thanks for sharing. I hope you are making all this into a book. Katie had such a way with words and I see now that you also have continued her life story. Many people, other than her blog family, would really benefit from your story. Such a wonderful story of love, marriage, family, life, illness and how to carry on. God Bless You and the boys.

Thank you Kevin for sharing such a personal and trying time with all us involved from affar. May God bless you and the boys as this season of your life comes to the new year and what is in store for you. Katie will always be remembered and loved. I always loved her humor and honesty, her integrity and hard work, she shined a smile that will light up the heavens. NLH

Glad you have a good Thanksgiving. Sounds like you and Katie picked the perfect spot. I like Katie think there ought to be a Kevin day too! There are not many people in this world these days that had what you and Katie have. You still have it in your heart. I continue to pray for you and your family daily, and think of you all often. As time goes on things will get better for all of you! Hugs! Don & Leah Ann

Kevin, So glad to hear you were with family on Thanksgiving. When we did our family prayer I said I was thankful for "knowing" you and Katie. How much your courage and strength lifted me up and what undying love means. We have a bench at our family burial spot in Florida, and it is a great place to be....sad but unbelievably peaceful. Continue to take each day as it comes and always remember that there are a lot of people out here in cyberspace that care for you and those awesome boys!

Kevin, I'm so glad you had a good Thanksgiving with Eden and family , even if you did overdo the eating! Isn't that what happens on Turkey Day? The plot with the bench sounds so lovely-I love hearing the wind through the trees.Thank you for sharing this unfinished post of Katie's. I can't imagine how hard the days must have been for her, day in and day out. And her heart was clearly on you and all the responsibility you had on your hands. I can't believe she was so sick and yet so concerned for your well being. What a truly loving wife she was- I know you must miss her so very much.Sending you big hugs and many prayers,Kathy

Kevin, Katie's and your spot sound so peaceful. A bench would be perfect for you. Reading Katie's post made it clear just how much she suffered. It breaks my heart that such a beautiful person had to go through that. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. **Linda

Kevin, I so appreciate your continued sharing on Katie's blog. It is good to see you and the boys are getting thru the days with what sounds like a positive light behind you. I guess that light would be Katie herself. Her resting spot sounds beautiful, and a bench sounds perfect. Not a day goes by that I dont think about Katie, you and your boys. I remember Katie's creativity and warm heart, and I think of you and your boys, praying for healing and peace.- Christi B

Hi Kevin, Glad to hear that you had a nice Thanksgiving with family! You were not alone..I ate & ate until I felt stuffed as a turkey too :) The final resting place that you both chose sounds like a serene & beautiful place. Thank you for sharing a little of how you & the boys are doing & more of Katie's drafts. This one brought tears to my eyes. Hugs & peace, Vina

Hi Kevin, I'm glad you are doing okay and had a good Thanksgiving. I have not stopped thinking about you and the boys and Katie. You sound like an extraordinary man in so many ways. Your sons are fortunate to have you. I will continue to pray that you will get through this terrible time and one day it won't hurt this profoundly. Love and hugs to you and the boys.NancyP.S. It makes me so happy to see that I have a message from MY PAPER HAVEN!!! We are grieving too. Keep in touch.

Thank you so much for posting on Katie's blog - she became such an important part of my life this past year sharing her inner most reflections with us - I have missed her posts so much. It's so odd to have fallen in love with a family I've never met yet feel such a connection with. Katie, you and your boys are in my thoughts daily and I am hopeful that your healing has begun.

I'm glad you found some consolation at the cemetary today. It does sound like a beautiful and peaceful spot. I hope the boys can find comfort there, too. My grandson was the age of the twins when his father passed. He could not mention him for a year. It just hurt too much, and he didn't know why. I continue to pray for all four of you. May God bless you and give you peace.

THank you so much for your posts. Over the past year she has become such a piece of my daily blog checking - checking in on her and you all to see how things are. Thank you for continuing to share with us for a bit longer...you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm so glad you had family for you and the boys. And the bench sounds like a great idea...a place to sort through your thoughts, and when one or more of your sons are old enough, a place they may find some peace and comfort too. Thanks for giving us the drafts. I love seeing something to read from Katie.

Oh it did hurt Kevin.It brought tears.This is the worst part, knowing that Katie suffered so much physically and emotionally.But now she is rest and happy at this beautiful place you described.This post shows what a great husband and father you ve been.I m always so happy when i have a message from my paper havenThinking of you every day

Kevin, thank you so much for sharing your Thanksgiving news with us! I pray for you all every day, but special prayers on Thanksgiving day, and today (Sunday).I am so glad you got to take Katie's Ducati out and visit her resting place.

Hi Kevin, Thank you for continuing to share with us. It is good to know you and the boys had a nice Thanksgiving. I love your idea for a bench at your cemetary plots...such a serene place for you and eventually your boys to find comfort and peace. As we took this long difficult journey with Katie, we not only knew of her difficulties and fears,we knew of her deep love for you and the boys as well as her appreciation for all you have been to her and all you have done for her. She was able to pass on to a better place knowing her 'babies' were in loving capable hands. God Bless you for the wonderful man that you are. I agree with Katie, every day should be Kevin Day. Loving thoughts and prayers,Elaine from New Jersey

Hi Kevin, I check Katie's blog every day , still. Thank you for your courage in continuing on with it. I had my four-legged kids out for a walk earlier and there was one bright star in the sky. I thought of Katie - her light' will always shine

Kevin, thank you for continuing to share your lives with us. Katie's plot is in such a peaceful sounding place. Her post confirms what we all know - you were and still are a pillar of strength & comfort for your family throughout this rough journey. Continued thoughts & prayers for you all.

Kevin, Im so glad you and the boys were able to enjoy your Thanksgiving!! I think of you all often and wish you good things!Even tho this last writing of Katie's was hard on you, it is good for you to hear how much she truely appriciated you. Everything she's always wrote about you has been good things. I am glad you were able to bring yourself to go say hi to her, sometimes it helps in the healing process. Like Katie said, take it one day at a time, even if one day at a time makes no sense! My family prays for yours daily! I am so glad you are keeping us updated on you and the boys, I think for all of us who grew to love Katie thru the internet, hearing from you and knowing how you and the boys are holding up, helps our hearts as well! Much love from MichiganShawna

Thanks Kevin for your time and a better insight of what Katie went through. While I could well imagine a few things when reading her posts, it has only hit me in the last week what it must have been like for her.Her resting place sounds beautiful,very fitting for her character, full of love and goodness. You are all in my thoughts every day.With loveClaire xxx

Thank you for sharing Katie's thoughts. You have been so strong for her and your sons. I could totally relate to your drive by the cemetery, but not the loss of a spouse. You are wise beyond your years and how you cared for Katy showed it. Your children are so fortunate to have a father like you. I am hoping you have the support of your and Katie's parents at this time. You need comfort too. Thank you so much for sharing about Katie's thoughts and about her resting place. If you were here I would give you all a big hug. Strength, energy, and peaceful thoughts your way.

I just finished reading (catching up) your last two posts. I applaud you for maintaining normalcy for your children. I also applaud you for getting out and having quiet time. I always knew that my mother's grave site was not where she truly was, but it marked a place where our two souls could meet and connect. I moved from there to another state nearly 20 years ago, but I have since found a new place for us to "chat".

Thank you Kevin for sharing this with us. Like so many others here, I pray for you and your family daily. I have been so very blessed by Katie and now by you through her blog and when a new post from My Paper Haven pops up in my inbox I know its a very special gift.

Kevin, thank you for sharing your story. I continue to keep you and the boys in my prayers. Your idea about putting a bench sounds perfect & lovely. I hope you're able to find some peace & strength. I don't know what else to say, except that you and your family are in my thoughts & prayers. Hugs and happy birthday to Hunter!