Rachel : Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.

Chandler : Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?

Rachel : Hmm.

Woman : OH…MY…GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It’s Janice.)

OPENING CREDITS

[scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]

Monica : Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?

Joey : Ohh, Nothing.

Monica : Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?

Joey : I know what it did! Nothing.

Monica : They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care?

Joey : Like this. (Shrugs)

Rachel : Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?

Joey : Sure! It flushes it.

Rachel : Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?

Chandler : (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!

Joey : Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)

Rachel : Guess who we ran into today?!

Monica : Janice?!

Chandler : Isn’t this amazing?

Monica : How have you been?

Janice : Oh well, I’m divorced.

Phoebe : Ohhh, wow.

Janice : Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)

Joey : And there it is.

Janice : I just came up to say, “Hi!” Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight.

Chandler : Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!

Chandler : (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don’t have to break up with her this time. We’re not involved! I’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I’m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)

Joey : Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I’m tellin’ ya!

[scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]

Emily : I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.

Chandler : Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!

Janice : When?

Chandler : I don’t know exactly.

Janice : Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.

Chandler : But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow.

[scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]

Monica : Done?

Phoebe : Yep!

Rachel : (entering, with Joey) Hey!

Joey : Hey! What’s up?

Monica : This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.

Joey : (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.

Rachel : Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light.

Monica : Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it’s Joey.)

Rachel : It’s coming from Joey!

Phoebe : Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!!

[scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe : Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.

Ross : Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport.

Joey : Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

Janice : (entering) Hey there Ross!

Ross : (shocked) Hey!

Phoebe : (whispering to Ross) Janice.

Chandler : Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack.

Janice : Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you?

Joey : All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler!

Chandler : (from his bedroom) Thanks!

Ross : Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)

All : Oh!

Rachel : Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.

(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]

Joey : Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one—Dude! They’re all huge!

Ross : They don’t look any bigger than me!

Joey : Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.

Emily : I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right?

Ross : All right.

Emily : Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)

(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)

Phoebe : (to the player) Hi.

(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)

Phoebe : Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.

(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)

(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)

Liam : Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!

(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)

Ross : JOEY!!!!!!

[scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]

Rachel : You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?

Monica : He asked you out?!

Rachel : No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.

Monica : Saucy!

Rachel : (refers to the table) What are these?

Monica : Electrical plans for the building.

Rachel : Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?

Monica : I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.

Rachel : Wow! If only more people knew.

[scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]

Chandler : Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport.

Janice : Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving.

Chandler : Well, we’re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.

Janice : On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane.

[scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]

Rachel : Hey!

Monica : Hi!

Rachel : (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren’t there originally.) What-what are-what are these?

Monica : Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think?

(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)

Monica : No-no-no, no!

(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn’t have a hole underneath it.)

Monica : I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture.

(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)

Rachel : Oh my God! Look at this!

Monica : Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!

Rachel : I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head!

Monica : I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.

Rachel : And did you?!

Monica : No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.

(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)

Monica : But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.

Rachel : Oh my God.

Mrs. Chatracus : Hello darling.

Rachel : Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.

[scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]

Phoebe : Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor?

Ross : Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket.

(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)

Janice : Chandler?

Chandler : No!

Janice : Chandler!

Chandler : Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!

Janice : No! No! I wanna see you take-off.

Chandler : Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?

CLOSING CREDITS

[scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]

Monica : All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.

Rachel : Thank God.

Monica : I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.

[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]