Ask a Guy: Should You Try That Thing in Bed?

When I was a sophomore in college, I fell for a junior. T. was a lit major, smart and sophisticated, with a dancer’s body. We were sitting on the roof of my dorm one afternoon, drinking beers and talking about the writer Michael Ondaatje, when she started to kiss me. She went from my lips to my neck and then moved to my left ear. I can’t quite describe what she did next—somewhere between a breathy whisper, a kiss and tracing a trail with her tongue. I’d had women try the ear lick before, but it always felt more like a wet willie or made me worry that I hadn’t Q-tipped well enough that morning. But this one worked. T. followed the entire outline of my ear with her not-too-wet tongue, then gently moved it inward and did a little flick. When she finally pulled away, I was dizzy with pleasure.

I tell this story to female friends who ask me whether a guy likes it when a woman puts her tongue in his ear. Or sucks on his nipples. Or places a finger anywhere near his butt. They’re unsure of how fast and how far it’s OK to go, and how to tell if he’s enjoying what they’re doing—especially when they’re doing something a bit…unorthodox. Well, if you’re wondering if the light is red or green, the truth is, it’s probably yellow. So here’s how to proceed with caution.

Don’t rush things.

Yes, you want to bring the heat, show a new guy what you’ve got. No, you don’t want to seem shy or prudish. But no (good) guy has ever held it against a girl if she didn’t kiss lustily enough on the first date, or try something particularly funky with her tongue. If the two of you reveal your techniques gradually, you’ll be able to develop your own combined style together, which is where the fun is.

Pay attention: Is he into it?

Guys aren’t always great at communicating their sexual desires. If they’re not enjoying something, most of them will go tense, grunt their disapproval or just put up with it. So mind his cues: If he freezes up, jumps or jerks a little, he may not be loving the bite you just gave him, or your nails digging into his back, or the naughty-nurse talk. But if he’s smiling, yessing, requesting more—well, then, by all means have at it! Can I give you an example? “My ex—girlfriend insisted on playing with my balls,” says my friend Tony,* 28. “Initially, I couldn’t stop squirming from sensitivity. She sensed that, and she lightened up. Soon I became addicted to the attention on the boys.” Oh, and if you read his reactions, he’ll read yours too. So avoid getting all porny and performative when he tries something that you don’t really enjoy, like a too-hard nibble on your nipple. If you don’t keep it real, you could have sore breasts for as long as you’re dating.

Learn from what he does.

People tend to touch the way they want to be touched. For my friend James, a 30-year-old DJ, the most sensitive spot on his body is “my back, between my shoulder blades.” So he pays attention to his partner’s back, too—and I think other men leave similar clues about what they like and don’t. Point being: If he strokes your inner elbow, stroke his. If he spends a lot of time on your neck, your chest, your inner thigh, follow apace. Think of it as a game of tag, but with less clothing.

Risk it.

Cautious in bed? Fine. But nothing sexy ventured, nothing steamy gained—for either of you. “I only discovered late in my dating career that if a girl puts her fingers in my mouth, I go completely bonkers,” says my friend Michael, a 26-year-old Ph.D. student. There are going to be hits and misses, but once you get to know a guy, you have to be bold enough to attempt beyond—garden-variety moves, and sensible enough to know when to quit them. And—do I even have to say it?—he should do the same when it comes to pleasing you.

Still not sure? Ask.

I know: the horror! But the guys I talked to say they’ve been asked all kinds of
questions: “Do you like that?” “Too hard?” “More?” “A little slower?” “Will you spank me?” And after they answered, and maybe talked it over a little with their partners, the sex got better, hotter, closer—instantly. Hooking up is like playing an instrument: Everyone has a style, and no one style is right or wrong. One guy might be shocked if you grab his butt during a good-night makeout; another might wonder why you didn’t. But all men like a woman who’s truly enjoying what she’s doing—it’s contagious. So go ahead and try something that you’re into. You’re showing him who you are, and that’s always sexy.