I would argue that yoga classes are more imperative than a cordless drill.

I make my case because, for the first time in my adult life, I am not earning money. I am at the mercy of a man who happens to be my partner and the father of our newborn baby and who is more than happy to provide for us all while I am on maternity leave, but still it is a struggle. Not so much financially, although there is that, too, but more so the challenge to my mindset of graciously accepting handouts.

Like so many women of my generation, I set myself up so I wouldn't have to depend on anyone. For anything. Including money. We were told in no uncertain terms to get ourselves a job, a career preferably, and become self-sufficient. Yet here I am relying on someone else for my welfare.

In this progressive era of unpaid maternity leave, all grand ideals of independence get blown out of the water when you knock off work to raise a baby. I feel beholden. Not that my man expects it, but I feel as if I should have a meal on the table every night, even though that used to be a job shared. I have become a cliche (but I draw the line at ironing shirts).

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I never used to be accountable for what I spent; it was my business. Now I've had to draft a budget. Worse, I've had to justify it, then pare it back. I have learnt that eyebrow shaping is not a necessity. It is hard to get your head around. An older friend reminded me, "You are on the family payroll." For what? "Um, for raising your baby." Oh, yeah. That.

It is one of the hazards of meeting later in life, as so many couples do. It is a big ask to have to pool your hard-earned nest egg after years of calling your own shots, especially if you then have to leave the family budget up to the whim of a spouse whose spending habits may be questionable. Does he really need that retro ice bucket?

Contrary to the hackneyed maxim that women are the top fritterers, men aren't exactly reliable with money, either. A recent Westpac survey of 1000 people found that 47 per cent of women think their blokes squander money, and 19 per cent don't trust them with shared finances.

Now that's a turn-up for the books, after centuries of finger-pointing at women for hoarding shoes. When it comes to the crunch, perhaps women are the savvy savers while blokes think money grows on trees. And when it runs short, it's been all too easy to blame the Jimmy Choo collection (does any woman, apart from the Sex and the City girls, actually own a pair?) without looking in their own back shed.

Of course, women use some time-tested methods to ward against the reckless spending of menfolk: wives secreting wads of cash from husbands, not so much to have it up their sleeve for a new handbag (although there is that, too), but more to keep it out of irresponsible male hands. Hands that don't know how to manage money. "Ladies' accounts", they're called. A former colleague's mum advised her to open one before she got married.

Stashing new purchases away from prying eyes is also common, as is lying about the cost of things. "I cut tags off the kids' clothes and say they were on sale," admits a friend. "Trim fat off the groceries," advises another. She means - I had to ask - tell him the weekly shop costs more than it actually does and stockpile the remainder for a rainy day. Or a handbag. I heard Lisa Wilkinson 'fess up on Today once that she has a "special hiding place" for her bargains, which she whips out months later, declaring it "this old thing".

That's the sort of thing that can get women into trouble, and which cements our unfair but persistent reputation as lackadaisical spendthrifts. But it cuts both ways. Those suave ad men in the TV series Mad Men create a male-only "executive account" with the statement sent discreetly to the office address. The show is set in the 1960s, but has anything really changed? We remain direly suspicious of each other's spending habits.

It's one reason couples argue over money. Half of us, if that bank survey is to be believed. No surprises there, but a shame all the same.

And since my paid maternity leave ran out (feel free to press ahead with 24 weeks, Tony), I can see how it happens. Dropping to zero income is a shock to the system for anyone. Especially with an extra mouth to feed. ABC newsreader Juanita Phillips writes in her new book, A Pressure Cooker Saved My Life, about hocking furniture on eBay for preschool fees while struggling on one income. This from a woman who used to weekend in Paris.

It is not just about adjusting to a shared income, accepting that it is "our" money, not just the person's who actually worked for it, but - and this is the harder part for many - taking someone else into account. A joint account, that is.

Courtesy of Sunday Life

21 comments

When my partner had predominately self-funded 18 months off work, his "sabbatical", one of the ways I coped was "one day" I would do the same.

And, after 4 years of trying and too much IVF, sure enough I did. Paid maternity? ha ha ha in my industry. By then, I had saved enough to cover my share of the household running for that year. If you possibly can, and yes, as an older mum it was something i could do, I can thoroughly recommend it. you retain your financial independance; if you want the shoes, they are yours! no guilt about going out for coffee. it meant the status quo was maintained on our budgeting; we could still stick to our "his hers and ours" costing model which keeps us both honest and focused.

our son is my first and his third, so i'm not in a position to be saving for another baby; three is enough and due to age and fertility, more than enough miracle for me. but having saved my 'share', and with the precedents he set during his sabbatical [ie none - no extra domestic contribution, no washing cooking shopping etc] i had NO compunction in following suit. makes for a much happier relationship, if you can pull it off! and if not... talk about it first!!!!

now that I am back at work, and we have one of the big kids living with us too, its been a whole new set of conversations about sharing domestic chores. this may seem off topic, but the link for me is clear - do whatever you can to plan ahead together for maternity/parental leave AND return to work; money, chores, pick up, drop off.. and good luck.

Commenter

Wendy68

Location

Fitzroy

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 12:12PM

"Not so much financially, although there is that, too, but more so the challenge to my mindset of graciously accepting handouts."

Ok. This is where you're thinking goes awry. You are paying, AS MUCH AS YOUR HUSBAND, with your TIME, your career OPPORTUNITY COST (which is massive for educated women), your foregone earnings, not to mention the depreciation of the market value of your skills for time not spent in paid employment, as well as lost superannuation earnings.

Make no mistake, YOUR contribution is more costly to you, than your husbands contribution is to him, for there is nothing that can give you back the market value of your skills, should he choose to go have an affair and you then have to re-enter the workforce after a few years of letting your career go to seed.

If you think this assessment is indulgent, just ask your husband to consider being a stay at home dad for 2-3 years. See how he reacts.

Don't ever be apologetic or think HE's doing you a favour providing for you while you raise your and his child. My assessment doesn't even begin to factor in the perhaps priceless benefits to your child of not being raised by a stranger, which YOU are making possible by sacrificing all those things I mention. In actuality, it is you who is doing HIM a favour by agreeing to be a stay at home mum while your baby is young.

Housewives are one of the most economically disadvantaged group in our society, and if the marriage breaks down, they are royally screwed, economically, for life.

A better set up is to share the childrearing, as well as the breadwinning role throughout the childs life, Equal sacrifice and equal joys!

Commenter

Oh please...time to look at this realistically

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 12:29PM

Don't forget that men enjoy providing for a family. It may be that your husband is enjoying a new role as breadwinner, sole provider and earner. Appreciate him, allow him to provide for you, and enjoy his new role as a father. You've hit the nail on the head when you say "gracious", being gracious will give you far more satisfaction than anxsting about it. Allow yourself to rely on him, you'll be surprised at how pleasant it will feel.

Commenter

JayneM

Location

Sydney

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 12:41PM

firstly i find it interesting that you had a baby without enough money in the bank but that aside, i find this a stupid article. Clearly you didn't discuss things with your husband before having a child or you wouldn't be feeling like this. it was your and your husbands choice to have a baby so you have nothing to feel guilty about, he wanted the baby too. he could stay at home and look after it instead. stop your whinging

Commenter

interesting

Location

melb

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 1:21PM

Yes, very interesting that you decided to procreate when you clearly much prefer frivolous things like yoga, eyebrow shaping and handbags to the health and wellbeing (not to mention the future) of your child. Your overtly feminist upbringing no doubt.

I'm 26, save 65% of my income and always have. Every, Single. Payday. I don't buy handbags or get my eyebrows shaped to show that I'm all woman and independant. I get a statement in the mail showing me that.

@interesting "stop your whinging" I concur.

And as for this "I never used to be accountable for what I spent; it was my business. Now I've had to draft a budget. Worse, I've had to justify it, then pare it back."

You always were accountable, you just didn't have the knowledge or intellect to apply it to yourself. You used your feministic views to wave away responsibility in the name of 'freedom'.

It disturbs me that you have one child, let alone the 'sometimes' care and welfare of another two.

Commenter

j*

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 1:57PM

Great article Jacinta, thank you for an interesting exploration of these issues.

As an aside, I read many of these articles and I am so sick of trolls telling anyone who is brave enough to share their experiences or perspectives to stop whingeing or making other snide and nasty remarks. Just because comments can be posted anonymously, doesn't mean people have the right to be snarky, rude and at times, downright mean.

Interesting, I am sure that Jacinta and her husband did discuss lots of these things before having a baby but as most people knows things don't always turn out exactly as planned and just because you discuss things doesn't mean you will never struggle with them or continue to have mixed feelings you need to work through.

Commenter

Jodie

Location

Canberra

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 2:12PM

@Jodie: Hear, hear!

Commenter

talopine

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 2:46PM

Excellent article Jacinta, Thanks.

Even though I already appreciated my Wife staying home to raise the kids, this has given me an insight into some of her feelings (and behaviours!).

and...
"Oh please...time to look at this realistically"... take a chill pill !
I can just imagine your poor husband...cowering in a corner.

I bet "you have him in his place" dont you?

I honestly hope you dont have children...I would feel sorry for them

Steve

Commenter

Steve

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 2:53PM

I am just as acerbic in person I do assure you.

Commenter

j*

Date and time

May 10, 2010, 3:37PM

A very thoughtful and realistic article Jacinta - thank you. I was having a discussion along these lines with my partner last night. We don't have kids yet, but plan to in the future.

I have always worked full time and been financially independent, so can imagine finding it a bit hard having to rely on my partner financially while being at home raising children, even though I know we would both be working hard in different ways - he in paid work, and myself being the primary carer for the baby at home.

In regard to the rude comments above - be realistic! Most people are not in a position to have a lot of money saved while being off paid work to become a parent, and wanting to do an activity such as yoga (great for both physical and mental wellbeing) or treating yourself to some occasional pampering (eyebrow wax) is hardly being frivolous! Mothers spend most of their time caring for others, and need to look after themselves too.

Money shouldn't be the most important factor in deciding to have a child. Of course it is a part of it, but I think it's very sad that some people value the financial 'security' over the enrichment of bringing a child into the world.

Good on you for being able to save alot of your income for the future, 'j' but not everone is in a position to do this - it has little to do with intelligence or feminism.

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