June 30, 2011

Barth Pisses In Sink, Local Silverware May Not Be Safe

RYAN BARTH PISSED IN THE KITCHEN SINK ON TUESDAY BECAUSE HE HAD TO "PISS LIKE A HOSTAGE."

Due to a combination of excess liquids and poor bathroom management, banker Ryan Barth on Tuesday was forced to urinate in the kitchen sink.

Mr. Barth maintains that there was "no way in hell" he was going to be able to hold it in until the bathroom was vacated.

Shortly after noon, just as Mr. Barth was finishing his fourth cup of coffee of the day, Asian sous-chef Timmy Q got into the shower.

A few moments later, Mr. Barth announced that he was dealing with an emergency bathroom situation.

"I have to piss like a hostage," Mr. Barth said. "My teeth are floating. Is it possible to vomit up your own urine?"

A mere ninety seconds into Mr. Q's shower, Mr. Barth began to pace around the living room. He knocked on the bathroom door several times, but his knocks were left unanswered.

"What's he doing in there, masturbating?" Mr. Barth asked.

Less than a minute later, Mr. Barth was outside looking for an appropriate spot to urinate, however due to the daylight and what Mr. Barth described as "the fucking neighbors," urinating outside was deemed to be an insufficient option.

Four minutes into Mr. Q's shower, Mr. Barth made the decision to piss in the sink.

"No one come into the kitchen for a minute," he announced to all nearby. "I need my privacy."

"We all asked him to wait just a little longer," said town crank Eric Eighties, who was in the living room at the time. "I think he could have made it, but what I'm most concerned about is the silverware."

At the bottom of the right side of the sink was a small collection of spoons, knives, and forks. Mr. Barth initially refused to answer questions about which side of the sink he pissed in, or whether he removed the silverware beforehand.

"I'm using disposable utensils from now on," said barber Jen Eddleson. "Sometimes I can't believe I live here."

Mr. Barth later issued a statement that he had pissed in the left side of the sink, and that the water was running the whole time.

"I have to use that silverware too," the statement went on to say. "Give me a little credit, okay."