Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The New England Patriots are being investigated over allegations of using deflated balls in their playoff game against Indianapolis. Officials say they haven’t seen a football so flattened since Chris Christie was watching a practice and fell on a fumble.

This past Monday was dubbed “Blue Monday,” which by equation rates as the saddest day of the year. Apparently this year the information used in the equation included being a Packers fan.

This past Monday was dubbed “Blue Monday,” which by equation rates as the saddest day of the year. Although most men will tell you the saddest days of the year are April 15th tax day, waking up with a January 2nd hangover and every day forever after forgetting your anniversary.

A UPS driver in California has been arrested for stealing $200,000 in gold and silver. Which means in his case, orange is the new brown.

A UPS driver in California has been arrested for stealing $200,000 in gold and silver. The real person who should be arrested is the idiot who thought it was a good idea to ship $200,000 in precious metals through a package delivery service.

Tiger Woods was recently seen with a missing front tooth. Which brings up speculation that Lindsey Vonn caught him cheating and instead of a 9 iron, this time he was hit with a ski pole.

Tiger Woods was recently seen with a missing front tooth that was reportedly knocked out when he was accidentally hit by a photographer. His new caddy is getting the blame. Steve Williams would have tackled anyone a camera before they got within fifty feet of Woods.

Tiger Woods was photographed with a missing front tooth that was reportedly knocked out when he was accidentally hit by a photographer. That sounds suspicious. Who has ever had a camera get that close to them that wasn’t taking a dental X-Ray?

Scientists have reportedly developed a jet lag pill that fools the body into thinking that day is night. Until now, the only way travelers could be tricked into not knowing if it is day or night was to book a week’s stay in Las Vegas.

A report says that half of the global wealth will be controlled by the top 1% by 2016. But only if they give back a fourth of the 75% they already own.

Pope Francis I says men should listen to women more and not try to be so macho. This coming from someone who wears white robes, red shoes and a big pointy mitre every time he goes out of the house.

Pope Francis I says that the Church’s birth control ban doesn’t mean that members should feel they need to “breed like rabbits.” In fact, no one even knew that the Octomom was a practicing Catholic.

Pope Francis I says that the Church’s birth control ban doesn’t mean that members should feel they need to “breed like rabbits.” That’s only for Catholics who are of child bearing age, have sex and use the rhythm method.

Pope Francis I embraced a young girl in Manila who asked him why people allow children to become prostitutes. The Pope was surprised. Some people have to pay children for sex?

Some therapists are using neurofeedback as treatment that uses video games, movies and computers to help patients regulate their brainwaves. Mostly because they are easier to regulate when people use those activities to get their brain wave measurements down to around zero.

The discovery of a 60,000 year old tool has anthropologists giving credit to Neanderthals to being smarter than was previously thought. Although if they were really that smart they would have bought it from Sears and could have replaced it with the Craftsman lifetime warranty.

After the Packers’ last minute meltdown against the Seahawks Sunday, it has been reported the Fox affiliate in Green Bay has secured the rights to the movie “Heidi” for next year’s playoffs.

A report says that a college degree isn’t a guarantee against being replaced by automation. Just think of all the college graduates who had their blossoming careers at 7-Eleven cut short with the invention of the Slurpee machine.

Microsoft has patented a “theater mode” for cellphones. Apparently it can detect when the person sitting next to you at a movie is getting ready to pull out their pistol and shoot you because you have been talking and texting through the entire film.

Amazon is planning to produce and distribute 12 films a year. The movies will then go from theater to streaming in just a matter of weeks. They got the idea of going so fast from the theater to the Internet by charting Tom Arnold’s film career.

A study says that kids eat more calories, fat and salt on days when they are served pizza. Mostly because it’s hard to find any days where kids eat something other than pizza.

Penney’s is bringing back its hefty print book catalog five years after dropping it to concentrate on the Internet. Mostly for people who want to buy clothes but are too embarrassed to actually be seen shopping at Penney’s.

Penney’s is bringing back its hefty print book catalog five years after dropping it to concentrate on the Internet. Mostly because 98% of the people who shop at Penney’s have no idea what the Internet is.

New York City has had its most expensive home sale ever, a condo that went for $100.5 Million. Apparently the value comes from having one of the few views of the city that doesn’t include at least one sign saying “Trump.”

The founder of the social media site Plaxo has been arrested for murdering his ex-wife’s new husband. Apparently none of this would have happened if he had just thought to put in a “defriend” button.

The Beastie Boys are seeking $2.4 Million from the maker of Monster Energy drink to offset legal fees from their $1.7 Million jury award. And to also offset trying to live off song royalties that dried up back in 1987.

A report says that 62.7% of Americans are either working or looking for work. The other 37.3% are still hoping that there will be a 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart or McDonald’s opening soon within walking distance so they can maybe have the chance to get a job someday.

A survey says that people who have had a heart attack are twice as likely to be depressed as those who haven’t had a heart attack. Probably because they had a heart attack.

A survey says that people who have had a heart attack are twice as likely to be depressed as those who haven’t had a heart attack. Especially the ones who have already gotten their bills from the hospital and cardiologist.

A study says that cattle that have been genetically modified with human DNA might hold the key to a cure for Ebola. The real question is how overweight have we gotten that our DNA is being injected into cows because they just aren’t fat enough?

A study says that teenagers who get less sleep are more prone to risky behavior later on. Which is disappointing news for the parents of the three teenagers who actually sleep less than 14 hours a day.

Researchers say that by 2050 cancer will kill hardly anyone under 80. Apparently the study was done in Florida and Arizona where by 2050 there won’t be anyone under 80.

A study says it is possible to predict how long a person will live by finding out what their friends think of them. Which would be bad news for Donald Trump except for the fact that no one would even claim to be his friend.

A study says it is possible to predict how long a person will live by finding out what their friends think of them. Which is an interesting situation for Kim Kardashian who has 2 Million friends but they only exist on Facebook.

A study says that ads for booze can lead a child to drink for the first time or if they already do to drink more. Which really wasn’t a concern until the newest character on “My Little Pony” turned out to be a Clydesdale.

A study says that stressful jobs can increase the risk of having a stroke. The only problem is that having any job today comes with the stress of wondering if you will be coming back to work tomorrow.

A study says that stressful jobs can increase the risk of having a stroke. The good news is that if the stroke is severe enough, you won’t ever have to worry about having to go back to work again.

A study says that underimmunized and unvaccinated families tend to live in clusters. Which is probably why the recent measles outbreak happened at Disneyland where all those people who hadn’t been inoculated were celebrating their “Small World.”

Facebook’s oldest user just celebrated her 107th birthday. Her account is easy to find. It’s the one with all the pictures of the mush she ate for breakfast.

Facebook’s oldest user just celebrated her 107th birthday. She originally became a member to put together enough pictures of herself to start an account at Match.com.

A study says that stopping smoking, getting active and losing weight are easier if a person’s partner is involved. Although when one person tries to get in shape their partner usually just gets involved in hiring a private investigator to see if they are having an affair.

A study says that stopping smoking, getting active and losing weight are easier if a person’s partner is involved. Which for most women, becoming involved means constantly telling their husbands to get their rear ends off the couch.

A report says that Millennials are set to outnumber Baby Boomers. Mostly because there are so many Millennials’ thanks to Boomers like Michael Douglas who had all their kids after 50.

Miss Lebanon complained she was photobombed by Miss Israel at the Miss Universe beauty pageant. Although contest officials were understandably concerned when there are two Middle Easterners who are having a dispute that contains the word “bomb.”

“Real Housewives” star Yolanda Foster says that Lyme disease has caused her to lose the ability to read and write. Which means the disability could cause her to be sent from her reality show to where she would be more at home, on “The Kardashians.”

Sharon Osbourne says she is afraid she will die from Alzheimer’s Disease. If she develops the illness, at least she will be able to spend her final years finally being able to finally understand Ozzie.

A survey from Microsoft says that technology is improving life around the world. How else could someone in Somalia make the time pass more enjoyably while waiting to see where their next meal is coming from than checking out the latest pictures of Kim Kardashian with their cellphone on Instagram?

A survey from Microsoft says that technology is improving life around the world. Mostly for people who finally have options to buy computers that aren’t run by Windows.

A Taiwanese man died after playing video games at a cafe for three straight days. The reaction was consistent by gamers in the U.S. “Wimp!”

Scientists have concluded that people don’t load their dishwashers correctly. This coming from researchers who eat every meal out of a paper box from a Chinese restaurant.

Scientists have concluded that people don’t load their dishwashers correctly. Apparently it is a problem only with women since men are satisfied to wash their dishes by letting their dog lick them clean.

A report says “The X-Files” may be returning to TV. Which is great news for people who didn’t own a TV set back in 1996.

A report says “The X-Files” may be returning to TV. Although most people think “The X-Files” on TV is what happens any time Kim Kardashian gets near a video camera.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the sixth anniversary of the first Inauguration of President Obama. Or as Republican members of Congress call that, the day they quit working. Which means we have had six years to recover from the recession without the people in Washington, D.C. messing it up even more. Which shows that the system does work. What also works is my system where I punch out a bunch of jokes and all I ever ask for in return is for you to remember to once in awhile make sure to send the love!