How to be a Gay Cougar

Adrian Fernand – Australia’s seriously stylish agony uncle – answers your questions on life, the universe and everything. This week, Adrian has advice on how a confirmed homosexual bachelor can become a gay cougar.

Dear Agony Uncle,

As a long-established (homosexual) bachelor who has never felt the need to compromise myself by entering into relationships, I feel I am experiencing somewhat of a mid-life crisis. Since meeting a dear friend’s new, much younger ‘gentleman friend’ I am starting to have urges and worrying thoughts of DVD nights at home, pyjama romps and joint dinner parties…especially with the youth in question. Your words of wisdom are keenly sought. Should I:

1. Move in for the kill;
2. Wait for the inevitable ‘irretrievable breakdown of their relationship’, then move in for the kill;
3. Look further afield and procure one of my own; or
4. Come to my senses, shake a Bex powder down my throat and have a good lie down?

Young at Heart, Melbourne

Dear Young at Heart,

Never fear, contrary to popular belief there are still single people out there. I know; I happen to be one. Sure, the further you get along in life it’s inevitable that your peer group will pair up and start prancing onto Arq like it’s nobody’s business. It’s unfortunate that you’ll be forced to watch from the dry dock, but that’s the choice you made when becoming a ‘confirmed bachelor’. I understand that an extra pillow or a half-size replica of Carol Channing isn’t as comforting as another human’s touch, but that doesn’t entitle you to become The Picture of Whorian Gay and muscle in on your friend’s paramour.

Unfortunately, lovers cannot be bought in egg cartons at the supermarket like the foetuses you wish to attract, so you will have to take offensive action. Coming on strong to will have the opposite effect and drive potential suitors away, so, before you hitch your junk up and don your leopard print swimwear, give a little consideration to the stealth tactics of your animal print-clad female counterpart—the cougar.

1. They always hunt in packs, so ensure that you’re not the lone drunkard sipping whisky at the bar.

2. They’re always the life of the party. Someone who has the same vim and vigour as someone significantly younger is always more attractive. Be the dominant male in your pride.

2. They’re always ready for the kill. Have an exit strategy in place for when you need to slink off with your new-found mate. Oh, and wear your best undies.

Don’t worry, you’ll find what you’re looking for. Rather than citing the fish/sea cliché, let me quote my dear German friend and her Deutsch forbears: “There are plenty of other mothers with better looking sons”; just be certain they’re of legal age.

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About Adrian Fernand

Adrian Fernand is a writer specialising in screen, television and fiction. As the Agony Uncle for etiquette and social protocol site, I Do Believe I Came with a Hat, he responds to the quandaries facing polite society in a modern world. He has in excess of 90 pairs of shoes. Follow Adrian on Twitter @AdrianFernand