About

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML

Quote

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.
"Really!?"
"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."
That'll teach her to try to be funny...

- Someone spray painted 'paedophile' all over my garage door last night.
I thought, 'Bloody kids.'
Which made me have a wank.

- I was at a party with a mate last night when he said "I feel like being sick".
So we fucked a child.

- I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.
"Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?" he asked.
"A bit, now and then," I replied, "but I only sell to friends."
So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.

- Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:
Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

- I'm glad my Facebook isn't a real book.
Many of the pages would be stuck together by now.

- My girlfriend just broke up with me. She found my collection of child pornography on my laptop.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't mine. She didn't believe me and asked me if I thought she was born yesterday.
"I fucking wish." probably wasn't the best response.

- Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.

- The Boomerang.
A frisbee for ginger kids.

- Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.

- I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"
Kinky bitch.

- A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive."
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"
Wiped the smug look off her face.

- I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

'If she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed'.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

The other day, I watched as another woman inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Like a lot of guys in that situation, I decided to have a wank.
I thought I better stop when I got a disapproving look from the midwife.

In my experience, nothing fucks a woman up more than stopping mid-rape, apologising and telling her that you just aren't that into her.