poet

Between Passion and Practicality

I don’t think anyone can prepare for the difficult and mostly unanswerable question “What should I do with my life?”

The conflict for me is between passion and practicality, it’s the struggle I’ve been facing all of my adult life and ultimately, despite my PTSD, what keeps me stagnant in my career.

The closest people in my life know that one day I could wake up and want something completely different than the day before. I think some could consider it a weakness, but I disagree. The gift of impulsivity and fickleness have let me explore opportunities many people might not consider.

For instance, the other day I began researching the process of going to medical school and taking the MCAT for fun. Because why not, right? The application process, plus the prospect of touching strangers (gross), showed me without a doubt that I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. A. Doctor. Period. Gross.

Researching PhD in English and eventual lifelong dedication to the study of literature and what it means to be human lead me to the understanding that even if this is my vocation, for what purpose is literature? Didn’t Plato suggest that all art is just an imitation of reality and can never embody the real thing? Do I really want to be part of a conversation dominated by politics, negotiations against the white maleness, and not to mention the inevitable struggle of everything else? Meh.

After exploring all sorts of different careers, jobs, vocations, whatever, I’ve come to the conclusion that

There will never be a perfect career to fit all particular points in your life, that devoting yourself to one field limits your potential, and along with that last point, don’t put all your eggs in one basket (though that sounds more efficient than carrying multiple literal baskets).

I accept myself as an inconsistent being. So here’s to a life of odd jobs, testing the waters, and limitlessness.

About

Kaela McNeil is a Witch City poet and author of Princess Skinless, a full-length collection of poems about trauma and identity, and the chapbook Violet which centers on domestic life and isolation. She has been nominated for a Best Independent American Poetry Award and has been published in Anthropoid, NonBinary Review, as well as elsewhere.