10 April 2008

Teenage Fervency

I was thumbing through an old journal of mine during my ongoing 'organization' project, having a wee read here and there. A particular entry made me laugh however, so I figure it needed to be shared. The date was November 27, 1987. I was 14, and in major crush with a boy named Ted. I was so so shy in highschool, so my adoration was from afar. Here's an excerpt:

'Anyhow, I'm just so, so, terribly confused. I mean, Ted is really the best thing that has happened to me. I don't know, I'm just so lonely and Ted seems so comforting and his hand was exceptionally so when he shook hands with me. I mean, there's no one to really talk to except Lani (once in a great while) and occasionally my mom. I just need a special friend I guess, and Ted seems so darned perfect. He's so understanding and sweet and sensitive. If only he knew how I felt, how much he means to me, no one could believe. I just wish I knew of some way I could tell him without him knowing it was me, or, dang, I don't know. I'm really mixed up. The thing I look forward to the most is Drama Club, because he'll be there.'

Lol!! Awwww......I actually feel pretty protective over my young sweet self. Oh but I was a gentle maelstrom of impossibly romantic teen angst then. Those were the days when if the object of my affection happened to glance my way, that day became the 'best day EVAR in my whoooole life!!' And of course, the crush on Ted didn't last long. Sorry, Ted.

As I look over and read more entries from that time period, I do think that even at 14 I was ready to meet my soulmate. I needed someone to help me feel safe, to help me feel good about myself, and be my best friend. I was such a hopeless romantic, and in some ways, I still am.

As well, I was the type of person who would either have married my soulmate at 18 and gone on to have lots of children, or would have not married at all. Either or, one or the other, no in between. Ten years ago I was pretty much on my way to not being married at all.