What a weird fixation. Anyway, listen, the war on Easter is a real threat to this country’s values. It seems clear that this is a cynical ploy by a multinational corporation to undermine Christianity as we know it. Even Theresa May has called the rebrand “ridiculous”.

What do Easter-egg hunts have to do with Christianity, anyway? They’re … they … Jesus died because … OK, wait, I just Wikipediaed it and it says that cracking open a chocolate egg is like that time they found Jesus’s empty tomb.

I thought the egg tradition had roots in the Zoroastrian springtime celebration of Nowruz, as a universal symbol of life and fertility. No, it’s the tomb thing. It’s on Wikipedia. Look, Cadbury is trying to ban Easter by refusing to mention it.

And what does the website say? Well, I mean, if you want to be pedantic, it says “Enjoy Easter fun at the National Trust’”, plus the menu at the top includes links to both “Easter products” and an “Easter hunt”.

So Cadbury isn’t erasing Easter at all? It is! John Sentamu said it is, and Theresa May said it is, so it definitely is! Look, I have to be outraged about something or I’ll die! Save Gibraltar! Bring back blue passports!

Do say: “It’s irresponsible for Cadbury’s to erase the word ‘Easter’, even if it hasn’t.”