Friday Therapy Session

Therapy is progressing differently these days, and I’m grateful for that. Again, it’s one more step toward “normal.”

After going each week for three weeks, my problems have stopped growing. Instead, they’re just leveling out. I don’t have any more problems left to tell. And now we’re working on fixing and understanding the ones I do have. So we settled on talking about my job, and my marriage, this past friday.

Despite getting a raise this week, I agreed with the psychologist’s assertion that…this job doesn’t make me happy. And I need to focus on that. So, I’m setting a 6-month deadline. Honestly, in my brain I’m letting it go until October…because then I’ll have a 401K match, and I’ll be a little better off in terms of leaving. The University does match generously….and there’s a part of me that hates to leave that behind. The more sensical part of me. The other part of me? Hopes to be somewhere else by the time our lease is up…which is June 1 (or July 1. I can’t remember which….).

But if/when I do find something, I need to seriously consider whether it’s going to be a good fit for me. Really meet the people. Understand the work. And figure out if the pay is worth it. Got it. That’s a good challenge in my mind.

And then we also talked about my marriage. About doing things that make me happy. And those things also bring me immense guilt. Why do them, if they are going to make Husband unhappy?

Well… she put it this way: If he were wheelchair bound, he wouldn’t ask me not to walk anymore. He would encourage me to walk. Sometimes even to run. To not be held back because of him.

Hell. That makes sense. Doesn’t it? I know that I need to help him rehabilitate himself in some ways…but the fact that he’s unwilling? Well I can’t change that. But I can change me. And I do need to focus on me. Not being held back. Not caring about me. Somewhere in all this I sort of lost who I am.

It’s the worst thing you can do. Throw all your eggs in one basket. Neglect your friends. Your hobbies. Your own time. No more.

So I’m going to start doing things for me. Seems easier reading it on a computer screen than actually acting it irl though