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January 27, 2010

Fears

We are leaving for Taiwan in 6 days. Over two years of waiting and now here we are, about to board a plane that will take us halfway around the world and deliver us into the arms of a new life.

I was thinking the other night about how it will feel to leave our house that morning. I can still remember leaving the morning Connor was born knowing that when we came back home a few days later, everything was going to be different. The life that Jessica and I had known was gone and a new one was beginning. It was a great feeling but if I'm being totally honest, it was also pretty scary. Life was controllable and predictable... introducing a baby into the equation brought in the potential for chaos. We had no idea what to expect. Luckily for us, it was wonderful. Connor has always been an amazing kid.

That was six years ago and this time around, all of those feelings of fear are amplified. Life again is somewhat controllable and predictable. I love my family and the life that we share. If I thought bringing a baby into the mix would be tricky, how about a 2 year old who doesn't speak English! Don't get me wrong, we are so, so excited to bring our little girl home but there are certainly moments where we both lie awake in bed at night thinking "what on Earth have we gotten ourselves into?"

A random sampling of fears that cross our mind on a daily basis:

What if she won't attach to us? What if she screams non-stop the whole time we're in Taiwan? What if they kick us off the plane? What if Connor and Claire don't get along? What if there are health problems we don't know about? What if something goes wrong when we get there and they won't let us bring her home? What if she grows up to resent us? What if we aren't up to the challenges that await us? What if this was all a bad idea?

You get the picture... there are so many unknowns and I'm sure any other adoptive parent would tell you that this is the part where you start to freak out a little bit.

Still, even with the fears bouncing around in my head, I have to say that the most consistent feeling I have as I think about this upcoming journey is that of peace. I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but I know it's going to be okay. We're not sure what awaits us when we get there, but I know it's going to be okay. We aren't even sure when we're going to be able to come home (paperwork issues may delay us 2-3 weeks longer than we originally planned) but even with that, I know it's going to be okay.

"Do not fear, for I am
with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and
help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:1