Month: May 2019

Over the last several months, we here in the Modern Stoicism organization have published several posts about one of the perks for our Patreon supporters – discussions by our panel of experts on Stoicism on selected topics. We’ve been publishing the full set of contributions to the panel in the Patreon site, and one of the experts’ contribution in a short mid-week post here. This time around, we’re doing something a little different. Down below, you’ll find the full panel discussion on the topic of “Stoicism, Pain, and Illness”

Before that, there’s two other matters to bring to your attention – just in case you missed them when we posted about them earlier this year.

And now, with no further ado, on to the expert panel for May. Here’s the question: What insights does Stoicism provide to help us cope with Pain and Illness?

Chuck Chakrapani

Stoicism treats pain and illness as something that relates to your body. Your body nothing to do with the ‘true you’ which is your rational mind, your will. The mind is temporarily housed in the body, like a traveller in a hotel room. Pain and illness that affect the body have little to do with your mind which is forever unfettered and free.

Sickness is an impediment to the body, but not to the will, unless itself pleases. Lameness is an impediment to the leg, but not to the will; and say this to yourself with regard to everything that happens. For you will find it to be an impediment to something else, but not truly to yourself.

Epictetus, Enchiridion 9

Pain and illness affect you only when you identify yourself with your body rather than your rational mind or will. While Epicurus argued all pain is bearable, the Stoics believed that the real you never suffer pain or illness. It is this lack of identification with the body that made them immune – not only to pain and illness but to death itself.

Massimo Pigliucci

There is, I assure you, a place for virtue even upon a bed of sickness. It is not only the sword and the battle-line that prove the soul alert and unconquered by fear; a man can display bravery even when wrapped in his bed-clothes.

Seneca, Letters to Lucilius, LXXVIII.21

Stoicism is a philosophy of life, not a magic wand. So if someone thinks that adopting a Stoic outlook means that he will suddenly be free of pain and illness, they should think again. And of course the same could be said for someone embracing Buddhism, or Christianity, or any other framework to live one’s life.

The fact is that it is not in our power to avoid pain and illness. But as Seneca says in the quote above, it very much is in our power to react virtuously to such circumstances. Indeed, the entire 72nd letter to Lucilius is concerned with this topic, and is excellent reading for any student of Stoicism.

Most importantly, I think, we need not to allow ourselves to use our illness as an excuse to be rude or unkind toward others, particularly those who are actually taking care of us. It’s more common than you think: a friend of mine has worked in a clinic for the terminally ill, and told me that they have a chronic staff shortage due to high turnover, which is caused in part by the fact that the caretakers are subjected to constant abuse by the people they assist. Even dying is an opportunity to show kindness to our fellow human beings. As Seneca puts it in the same letter:

There are times when just continuing to live is a courageous action.

Letters, LXXVIII.2

Greg Sadler

Many of us suffer from pain and illness, some more often than others, and Stoicism can help us not only to endure these conditions, but also to reframe our approaches to them, so that we can realize them not to be the catastrophes that they readily appear to us. Of course, it isn’t so simple as just reading some Stoic texts, or repeating “bear and forbear” like a mantra – there are no quick fixes. But Stoicism offers us powerful tools for analysis of what really troubles us, and for changing the ways we look at those matters.

One aspect that adds additional suffering to those enduring pain and illness is a set of evaluative assumptions that often accompany those conditions. These have to do with one’s value as a person. And this dynamic extends much more broadly to other circumstances that we typically view as negative, for example, poverty, as Epictetus points out in Discourses 3.26. He asks the person who fears poverty what it is that they really feel fear over. One of the answers that his probing analysis reveals has to do with a loss or lessening of social status.

Is that shameful to you which is not your own act? Of which you are not the cause? Which has happened to you by accident, like a fever or the head-ache? If your parents were poor, or left others their heirs, or though living, do not assist you, are these things shameful for you?

It is quite common for those who suffer from pain, or illness, or poverty to get an additional troubling condition foisted upon them by society and its members. It’s very easy for people who are dealing with these sorts of matters to be looked down up, treated as less than a person, even by their own caregivers. In this Discourse, Epictetus not only suggests that we ought to determine what really is shameful – which has to do only with what we choose and do, not with what happens to us – but that we even push back against other people’s judgements about our value and what it derives from.

All too often, those who suffer from chronic pain or illness get the message that there is not only something wrong with their body – and that’s true – but that, because of that, there is something wrong with them – and that inference is false. It is easy and understandable for a person who is suffering, and consistently getting those sorts of messages, to internalize them, and then create more suffering for themselves by repeating them to themselves. Stoic philosophy and practice can help undo the damage caused by that dynamic, and restore some measure of psychological health in the process.

Tim LeBon

Stoicism can be a great help to those suffering from illness and pain. As a CBT-therapist working in the NHS in the UK with people suffering from “long-term conditions” I regularly incorporate what I call “Serenity Prayer Stoicism” into my work. When people have long-term illnesses or pain, they can be helped by thinking carefully about what they can and what they cant control. For instance,

“I can’t control the fact that I have this condition but I can control how I respond to it”

“I can no longer gain pleasure and meaning in the way that I did, but that doesnt mean I can’t do so in other ways”

“I can’t control the fact that I will experience some pain. but by “pacing” my activities to the right level I can influence how much pain I am in”

These can all be incredibly helpful Stoic ideas which can be incorporated into standard CBT. Working as a therapist, it is ethically problematic to try to persuade people to change their value system, which is what one would need to do if one were to ask people to fully embrace Stoicism fully.

In other contexts than therapy, if people do agree that virtue is what matters most in life, then clearly this can help enormously in coping with illness and pain, Feeling good now becomes at best a preferred indifferent, and so pain and illness are not an obstacle to eudaimonia. Indeed, being ill and in painprovide new opportunities to exhibit the virtues. One can show courage in how one deals with pain, self-control in not complaining or not over-doing things, justice in being a good role model for people with your condition and wisdom in prioritising the virtues and in focussing on what you can control.

When about to be captured by enemy forces, James Stockdale, author of Thoughts of a Philosophical Fighter Pilot, and Courage under Fire famously whispered to himself “I’m entering the world of Epictetus”.. When ill or in pain, we could all benefit from engaging whole-heartedly with Stoicism.

My name is Frank and this is my experience with Alcoholic Anonymous and my recovery from alcoholism. I am not a spokesperson for AA nor do I hold a position in AA.

My last drunk was October 7, 2013, it was a boys’ night out. I was attempting to prove that I could handle my drinking like the other guys, so I took a cab so I didn’t have to worry about driving. I’d made it home with no consequences and was sitting in my La-Z-Boy in my tighty-whiteys, when the phone rang. It was the woman I was dating at the time. Apparently, I’d thought it would be a good idea to get into my car and drive over to her place, except that she lived 20 miles away, her exit was a cloverleaf and I could not get off the highway. I just kept getting on and off, on and off, until I ran out of gas.

The last thing I remember was sitting at home. When I woke up the next morning, she told me she’d found me on the side of the road and had brought me back to her place. We went to the gas station to fill up a gas can and when we got to my car, I saw that the driver’s side mirror had been sheared off. I must have hit something. Back home, I assumed the “Oh shit” position – my head in my hands, staring at the ground. I knew I had a problem but I didn’t know what to do.

I come from an Italian background and had grown up in the 1970s, in an average NYC household. Money was tight, religion was there but not forced, and drinking was the way I saw adults being happy and having fun. Making wine was a yearly event, and my first and fondest memory of alcohol and its effects were when I was around 10 or 11. My grandparents would come over and we would start by crushing the grapes, laughing and having fun. In 3-4 days, the aroma would waft up from the barrels in the garage. One of my chores was to churn the crushing, and when I did, the aroma would hit my lungs and I’d get lightheaded. I was never late for this chore. After 7-10 days, the sugar converted to alcohol and it was my job to scrape the crushing from the barrel after we took out the juice. My father and grandfather would put the barrel on its side so I could reach inside and scoop. The alcohol fumes were much stronger now, and I would be in the barrel up to my waist. It was beyond lightheadedness. The effervescence would fill my lungs and I would get the same feeling/sensation that I would chase until I made it into the rooms of AA.

There was plenty of debauchery, fear, pain, misery, shame, and guilt. Drinking cost me my marriage. I knew nothing about AA, or recovery but a couple of months before, a friend had given me a book called The Golden Book of Resentments. I’d never looked at it, until that day. I read Step One and said, “That will do it.”

I white-knuckled it for 3 months, but nothing got better. There was still plenty of fear and shame, and the thought of a drink ran through my head constantly. One day, I was talking to a friend and said, “I don’t drink anymore.” “I don’t drink, either,” she said. “What meetings do you go to?” “What do you mean, meetings?” “You don’t go to meetings?” she said. “Do you think you might want to go to one?” “Okay.” At this point I would try anything to feel better.

Funny, how the cosmos work. I hadn’t even known she was in AA. So, I called the friend who’d giving me the book, and said it was suggested that I go to a meeting. He said, “I think that’s a good idea,” and took me. At my first meeting I raised my hand and said, “My name is Frank. I’m an alcoholic.” Something shifted; I cried and felt a sense of relief. The obsession to drink lifted. I went to meetings and got a sponsor, who took me through the steps using the BB, and the 12 & 12. (BB is short for Big Book which is the basic text used by Alcoholics Anonymous.)

In the rooms of AA with the Twelve Steps and my sponsor I built the archway that I walked through a free man, and which led me to the Stoics. On my journey I was searching for anything that might help me spiritually because my childhood faith did not help nor did I want it. Then I found some old quotes and everything changed. They fell in line with what I was learning from going through the Twelve Steps. I read in The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius: “Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.” I identified with these sayings and realized that they were along the same lines as the principles I was learning in AA. So I looked up Marcus Aurelius and discovered he was an emperor of Rome. The words “Stoic philosopher” appeared next to his name. So I began reading up on the Stoics.

I’d found out later in life that I was born with only one kidney, which led me to believe I was inadequate and not the same as everyone else. I felt abandoned by everyone, including the god of my childhood. When the doctor informed me about my kidney, he explained to me the importance of taking care of it. So, what did I do? Just what the BB describes as the alcoholic. I could not moderate or stop my drinking, even for a good reason. I made this realization early in my sobriety. It gave me the acceptance of being an Alcoholic, and the drive I needed to dive into AA.

As I looked to enhance my spirituality, I found the Stoics. The foreword of the 12 & 12 states that the basic AA principles were borrowed from religion and medicine. With that, I found some old quotes and everything changed. They fell in line with the basic principles of AA, and they also mentioned God, a God of my understanding.

This one got me: “Resentment, bitterness, and holding a grudge prevent us from seeing and hearing and tasting and delighting” (Marcus Aurelius). So, I looked up the Marcus Aurelius, learned he was Emperor of Rome and the words Stoic Philosopher appeared next to his name. I then looked up the Stoic Philosophy and found the stoics are pantheist, which is:

A doctrine that identifies God as part of the universe or the universe is a manifestation of God.

Worship that admits or tolerate all gods.

That hit me. I was reminded of when Ebby told Bill in the kitchen “Why not choose your own conception of God?” or when Bill uses the word cosmos or universe throughout the book.

When I read the quote from Marcus Aurelius on resentment, I realized the BB has a whole chapter on them and on pg. 64 is the statement, “Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” I had plenty of Resentments and realized they were holding me back.

Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.

Marcus Aurelius

Brought me right to the BB pg. 23, There is a Solution. “Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.” I now understood that my mind & body were very sick.

Stoicism and the Art of Happiness by Donald Robertson explained Stoicism in the way the BB explained how to recover from Alcoholism, so I kept going forward with my AA and Stoic schooling. In they are my defects and my assets of character so I read books, took courses and learned more about the Stoics and the 12 steps. I use some Stoic principals in my AA program, first and foremost Gratitude.

I look for gratitude in everything that happens, good or bad. Marcus Aurelius and the Stoics have many different views on gratitude, including amor fati translated “Love of one’s fate”, or the Stoic “Reserve Clause” meaning Fate Permitting. The BB pg. 53 tells me the gratitude I have for my new found belief is correct, and this quote reminds me to keep gratitude in my attitude: “Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, but the parent of all the others” (Cicero).

AA has keeping your side of the street clean or doing the next right thing. The Stoics have what is called the “reasoned thought or mind” and makes huge emphasis on humility. Marcus Aurelius wrote a journal to himself called The Meditations while he was emperor of Rome and they speak to his humility.

Persuade me or prove to me that I am mistaken in thought or deed, and I will gladly change-for it is the truth I seek , and the truth never harmed anyone. Harm comes from persisting in error and clinging to ignorance.

Marcus Aurelius

In the mind of a disciplined and pure man, you will find no sign of infection, no running sores, no wounds that have not healed. It will not be this man fate quit life unfulfilled like the actor who fails to complete his lines and walks offstage before the play is ended. What is more, there is nothing obsequious or conceited about him; he neither depends on others nor is afraid to ask for help; he answers to no man for who he is and for what he does, yet he hides nothing.

It is enough to remember that there are but two laws: the moral laws of the gods and the physical laws of the atoms. These two are sufficient.

Marcus Aurelius

I had no idea what gratitude was, let alone how it worked. I’d actually never heard the words gratitude or grateful until I came in the rooms of AA. AA brought me gratitude, restored my relationship with my higher-power and put me on the path of being happy, joyous and free!

The gig economy, talent economy, independent professionals, interims, locums and freelancers – the media seems obsessed with the supposed evils and potential advantages of this brave new world. But, is it real, is it happier and what lessons could Stoicism have for adventurers in this new land?

Freelancing – The Figures

Freelancing, as a model of work, is
growing. Of course, there have always been independent workers, from casual bar
staff to your local, independent plumber, but a decade of empowering technology
has made it much simpler for would-be independents and clients to connect.

Those are substantial figures and on the
increase all across the world.

Is it a happier life? For most, freelancing is a positive career choice (not employment of last resort). Research, like this recent report from FlexJobs, regularly reflects freelancers’ positive outlook.

The report found that:

92% of freelancers said the
freelance lifestyle was important to them

63% said freelancing had a
“positive impact” [on their lifestyle]

60% said freelancing has helped
them become healthier

66% said they are less stressed
as a freelancer.

In general, then, we independents are a happy bunch.Sometimes though, it doesn’t feel less stressed. There always seems to be some time-money tension;
inevitably you’re worrying about one or the other.

Training? You won’t take the time when
you’re busy, but you won’t spend the money when you’re quiet. Holidays? You
can’t get free when there’s work to do, but you feel guilty when your project
pipeline’s a bit limp and saggy. And then there are sales calls to make, debts
to manage and bills to pay. Oh, and difficult client to manage, too.

Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus are two of
the most popular Stoic philosophers. Marcus was an emperor, Epictetus a slave.
As a freelancer, you can feel like either or both … often on the same day.

What, then, can a 2,000-year old philosophy offer this new world of work?Stoicism emphasizes personal responsibility and self-discipline. In many ways, it’s perfectly aligned to those on an independent journey as “Me Inc.”

Here are five areas where applying a little
Stoic perspective can lighten your daily burden.

1. Don’t stress about what you can’t control

As an independent, it’s all down to you. There’s
no corporate comfort-blanket of admin, finance or marketing support; no holiday
pay, sick pay or health insurance. You’re on your own. But that doesn’t mean
you have to own everything. Some things, simply, are beyond your control.

One of the core tenets of Stoic thinking is
the observation that, as Epictetus says, “some things are within our power,
while others are not.”[i]

And he warns:

If you regard that which … is not your own as being your own, you’ll have cause to lament, you’ll have a troubled mind and you’ll find fault with both gods and human beings[ii]

If you’re prone to worry, like a dog with a
bone, try listing all your concerns on paper, then mark each as within or
outwith your control. Make a positive decision to let go of the things you
can’t control. Put your mental energies towards the things you can: the quality
of your work, meeting deadlines etc.

2. Choose how you respond to events

Often, as a freelancer, you feel the need
to respond to everything, immediately. The customer, after all, is king. You
don’t want anyone to think you can’t cope or that you’re not interested.

When something happens unexpectedly, there
is a tendency to respond immediately. But, the knee-jerk reaction isn’t always
the right reaction. When we react instinctively, we can manufacture our own
outrage and offence.

As Epictetus tell us:

It isn’t the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements that they form about them [iii]

In other words, mind the gap between any
stimulus and your response to it.

Without realising, we too often “choose” to
get stressed by an unanswered email, a late purchase order, an ill-informed
comment or off-the-cuff feedback. Take a moment. Pause. Choose a better
response. Realise that the client’s slow reply is not likely to be a personal
insult. A delayed purchase order is more often down to bureaucracy than a
change of heart. After all your big-company client isn’t as agile as a
freelancer. That’s one of the reasons they hired you.

Agility is valuable, but stubborn independence
is not. Being freelance doesn’t need to mean being alone. You can respond with
time and with help:

Think it no shame to be helped. Your business is to do your appointed duty, like a soldier in the breach. How, then, if you are lame, and unable to scale the battlements yourself, but could do it if you had the aid of a comrade?[iv]

3. Keep a sense of perspective

When you work on your own, wholly
responsible for your success or failure, events can become magnified in your
mind. Everything can seem of monumental significance. It can be difficult to
keep some headspace, to keep things in their proper proportions.

But remember, even a missed deadline is
seldom cataclysmic.

As the most powerful man on earth, the
Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, observed:

In the universe Asia and Europe are but two small corners, all oceans’ water a drop, [Mount] Athos a puny lump of earth, the vastness of time a pin’s point in eternity.[v]

Stoic philosophy can be very grounding.
Marcus returns time and time again to humanity’s minute and fleeting spot in
time and space.

The first rule,” he writes, “is to keep an untroubled spirit; for all things must bow to Nature’s law, and soon enough you must vanish into nothingness, like Hadrian and Augustus.[vi]

In other words, get over yourself. What can
seem calamitous in the wee, small, sleepless hours is often somewhat less
significant in the cool, morning air.

Remember the Steely Dan song:

When the demon is at your door In the morning it won’t be there no more.[vii]

Step outside for some oxygen, some sunlight,
some space and some coffee.

4. Enjoy the moment

Enjoy the moment, enjoy the ride. It’s much
too easy to dwell on what we should have done yesterday and what we need to do
tomorrow. It’s very much a human failing, as Roman philosopher Seneca observes,

Animals in the wild flee the dangers they see and are tranquil once they have escaped; we, though, are tormented both by what is to come and what has been. Often, our goods do us harm: memory recalls the stab of fear; foresight anticipates it. No one is made wretched merely by the present.[viii]

It can easily be a freelancer’s failing,
too: How did I do? Did I do enough? Will they like what I sent? How do I get
more business? What happens when this project is over? Planning is good, but
fretting is pointless.“If you lay hands on today,” Seneca tells
us, “you will find you are less dependent on tomorrow. While you delay, life
speeds on by.”[ix]

Marcus agrees:

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”[x]

Stoic thinking isn’t fatalistic, but it is
deeply pragmatic.

And, nature too

Stoics are very aware of humanity’s
integral place in Nature and of its beauty. It’s a perspective that feels
perfectly aligned with our current eco-aware times.

I love this passage from Marcus:

“When a loaf of bread, for instance, is in the oven, cracks appear in it here and there; and these flaws, though not intended in the baking, have a rightness of their own, and sharpen the appetite. Figs, again, at their ripest will also crack open. When olives are on the verge of falling, the very imminence of decay adds its peculiar beauty to the fruit.”[xi]

Remember that the freedom and flexibility
of the freelance lifestyle entitles you to walk bare-foot on the grass, or
wander among the trees, and appreciate nature’s ever-changing beauty. Don’t
forget to use your freedom to enjoy your surroundings. Live the freelance dream
a little.

5. Live with integrity

For Stoics, life’s goal is to live “in agreement with Nature”, which translates as living a virtuous life where the four cardinal virtues are: Wisdom, Courage, Justice and Temperance. In many ways, it’s the flip-side of our first observation. You can’t control everything . . . but you can, and should, control your self: your responses, behaviours, and thoughts.

In Meditations, Marcus returns frequently to the concept of duty. That may not be surprising for a Roman emperor (and history remembers Marcus Aurelius as one of – often, the last of – the “good emperors”). His thoughts are relevant for freelancers. We stand or fall by our last project and the reputation that follows us. Therefore:

“Give your heart to the trade you have learnt, and draw refreshment from it.”[xii]

He also counsels himself:

“Hour by hour resolve firmly, like a Roman and a man, to do what comes to hand with correct and natural dignity, and with humanity, independence, and justice.”[xiii]

And, especially for stressed-out
sleepyheads:

“At day’s first light have in readiness against disinclination to leave your bed, the thought that ‘I am rising for the work of man.’”[xiv]

As a freelancer, reputation is all you
have. Never be tempted to compromise or surrender it for the expediency of a
project.

It’s also worth noting, in these virtue-signalling times, that “integrity” doesn’t need grim-faced declarations of self-denial. Seneca had little patience with the hair-shirt brigade.“Philosophy,” he said, “demands self-restraint, not self-abnegation – and even self-restraint can comb its hair.”

Finishing Thoughts: A Stoic Guide for the Stressed?

I came to Stoicism by accident.I was browsing in the beautiful, art deco, Waterstones bookshop on Piccadilly, when I came across a table display of Penguin’s Great Ideas series. Series 1, Book 2 was Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. I started to flick through and I was hooked by its easily accessible, mostly “snackable” aphorisms. For an 1,800-year old text, it felt strikingly familiar and contemporary.

Meditations – which is many people’s first encounter with Stoic texts – has, for me, a real sense of authenticity. It was written as a note-book, not a text book. It was Marcus’ notes-to-self, never intended for publication. In it, you read him berating himself for his failures, struggling with the frustrations of his office and contemplating the nature of the world and society around him. It is intimate and applicable.

I’m no expert on Stoicism, but it’s a philosophy that sits well with me. I find it relevant and I draw on it increasingly in every day life as an independent professional. Often, the simple realisation that “this is not new, I’m not the only one” is valuable. For that alone, I think every freelancer should have a copy of Meditations ready at hand. Stick a copy in your bag or on your desk and dip into it wherever you feel the spider of stress crawl across your skin.

Andrew Munrois a writer and independent professional. ThroughBurning Pine, he helps businesses to grow by telling their stories. He blogs on topics related to work and the freelance life atThe Sovereign Professional.

Stage 2 – My further thoughts and whether they resisted or intensified anger

Definitely intensified
anger. Thoughts like “Look what he’s
done to my laptop!” , “He needs to learn not to be so clumsy” and “He should have been more careful” . I had a
sense – I wouldn’t say it was a conscious thought- that it was appropriate for me to get angry,
that it was be wrong not to get angry.

Stage 3 – What happened as a result

I guess I fell over
the edge of the precipice, as your Seneca puts it. Yes, I shouted at him, my
wife says I looked very angry.

Robbie was petrified, my wife was horrified, and I am mortified.

Lucas: Well done. Today we are going to look at what you could have done differently – as Stoics do in their evening review. If you get into the habit of analysing angry outburst in the evening and rehearsing how you can avoid them in the morning then you will be able to overcome your anger problem.

Anthony: Like a golfer practising his putting on a carpet at home, right?

Lucas: Let’s begin with the trigger, Robbie spilling coffee. Do you remember what we said about non-Stoics being too idealistic?

Anthony: Was it that I need to lower my expectations and to remember that the universe doesn’t always behave how I would like it to?

Lucas: Absolutely. You haven’t got control over other people or the past, so its best to accept these things – even if you don’t approve of them!

Anthony: It reminds me of a song from an old Mel Brooks movie. “Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed.”. I wonder if he was a Stoic!

Lucas: There’s a lot of Stoic wisdom in a number of traditions and common sayings, like the Serenity Prayer. Actually learning helpful quotations could be really useful. “Hope for the best. Expect the worst” could be a good one to include. You might also have a look at a famous passage from Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations.

Anthony: Sure.

Lucas: Moving on to stage 1 of anger, what were your first movements towards anger when Robbie split the coffee?

Lucas: Seneca says you haven’t much direct control over these, so you shouldn’t try to stop them but you do need to notice them and put yourself on red alert for the next phase of anger.

Anthony: I think you said last time I need to be like a sentry on guard duty

Lucas: Exactly. Then at stage 2 we have your window of opportunity. One of your thoughts was “Look what he has done to my laptop?” You need to question whether you have really been harmed. Seneca points out that “The things which cause us such great heat are really trifles, the sort of things that children fight and squabble over.”

Anthony: But my computer was broken!

Lucas: Your new shiny toy!

Anthony : Are you saying that I exaggerated the harm done?

Lucas: Well, did you?

Anthony: Well, the keyboard was ruined – but I took it into work and got a replacement the next day.

Lucas: So the actual harm done was …

Anthony: Ultimately, very little. I see what you mean.

Lucas: And even if the laptop had been ruined, how much does a laptop matter compared to the well-being of your son and your being a good parent?

Anthony: Are you saying I need to get things into perspective?

Lucas: Exactly – and things don’t matter as much as how we conduct ourselves in life. Seneca’s next point is that it’s vital to judge others accurately and fairly. You intensify anger by acting as the prosecution, you resist it by making the case for the defence. Were you acting as the prosecutor or the defence attorney for Robbie?

Anthony: Definitely the prosecutor.

Lucas: What might you have said had you been defending him?

Anthony: “He did not intend to damage my computer. He meant well”.

Lucas: “Brilliant. Seneca also says something that is really appropriate to your case. “If is a child, let us pardon his youth.”.

Anthony: That’s true, I was forgetting he is only six. What’s Seneca’s next piece of advice?

Lucas: We must also remind ourselves that we are all hasty and careless, we all are untrustworthy, we all have many faults. Seneca says “What room is there for anger? Everything ought either to move us to tears or to laughter. There is only one route to peace of mind and that is to agree to forgive one another.”

Anthony: Yes. I suppose it would help me to remember that I am not so perfect either.

Lucas: Once again Seneca has a good line “We have other people’s faults right before our eyes, and our own behind our backs.”

Anthony: I need to remember that. It would make thing to have on the front and back of a T Shirt!

Lucas: Here’s another idea that would have helped on Father’s Day. Are we here to help or harm each other? As a father, how do you see your role, to help or harm?

Anthony: Definitely to help.

Lucas: Seneca says in it’s useful to imagine your whole family as being an extension of yourself – like your own hands and feet. Would you want to harm your own limbs or help them?

Anthony: Help them

Lucas: So do the same to your family and indeed the whole of mankind. Treat them with the same care you would parts of your own body.

Anthony: So I need to imagine that when I shout at them I feel the pain that they do?

Lucas: Yes, that’s a good way of putting it. The final idea you might find helpful – and I’ve left it till last because it’s rather left-field – is best introduced by telling you about a story about Socrates.

Anthony: Sounds intriguing…

Lucas: One day Socrates was going for a walk and was suddenly struck by someone he had offended. Do you know how he responded?

Anthony: I’m assuming he didn’t get angry. But how did he manage that, surely his Fight and Flight response would have kicked in?

Lucas: I’m sure it did, but Socrates was famous behaving in an exemplary manner even under provocation. Socrates just laughed off the whole thing, saying that it was a pity a man could not tell when he ought to wear his helmet when out walking!

Anthony: That’s not the first response that would have come to me…

Lucas: But with practice most things can be turned into jest, and then anger is diffused into something more gentle. How could you have made light of your computer being incapacitated?

Anthony (after a moment’s thought): I could have said “That’s one way of stopping me from working today!”

Lucas: And if you had, what would have been the impact?

Anthony: Everyone would have had a much better day.

Lucas: Exactly. So your task this work is to learn all these Stoic rebuttals to angry thoughts so they can be ready to hand next time you need them

Anthony: Does Seneca have any tips about what to do when I get to stage 3 of anger?

Lucas: Seneca says that the greatest remedy for full-blown, stage 3 anger is delay. There’s not much reasoning with yourself when in a rage – the best you can hope to do postpone doing anything too harmful.

Anthony: So I should have bit my tongue, counted to 10 before saying anything and then damage limitation …

Lucas: Yes. But remember the best answer is to make sure you don’t get to stage 3. That’s the priority. I’m going to give you a list of unhelpful thoughts and their rebuttals. I’d like you to learn them – there may a short test!

Be on guard for these signs and put myself
on red alert for further angry thoughts

Stage 2 of anger:
Response to the first movements.
Can resist
or intensify initial angry
thoughts

I intensified anger by labelling Robbie as
stupid and clumsy.
Assumed that anger was appropriate so I
could teach him a lesson and he wouldn’t do it again

Remind myself that anger is not the answer.
He didn’t intend to damage my computer.
He isn’t stupid.
We all do silly things sometimes.
Try to act more like a loving father than
Caligula or Vedius Pollio!
Say to myself “At least I wont have to
work today!”

Stage 3 of anger
Thinking and behaving and feeling,
depending on what happened at stage 2

Shouted and him, ruined the day

Hopefully don’t get to this stage, but if I
do count to 10 (or more) and delay my response. Probably best to leave the
room.

Lucas: What do you think about that?

Anthony: Great – but it’s going to be harder to put it into practice.

Lucas: Indeed. Do you ski?

Anthony: Yes, I go down black runs, the rest of the family usually take the easier blue runs ….

Lucas: Right, well what we have done is like going on a blue run. It takes skill, but it’s not the hardest challenge.

Anthony: And I suppose doing it in real time is more like a red or black run?

Lucas: Precisely. So for now, you need more blue run practice. Read the list of rebuttals every day and keep a log of when you’ve got angry and how you could have resisted anger better, in the same format as the table above.

Anthony: OK, see you next week, coach!

Meeting 4. Becoming a virtuoso in the Art of Living

Lucas: Good to see you again, Anthony. How did you get on with the anger log?

Anthony: Good, only one instance to report, and I think I handled that fairly well.

Anthony gets out his anger log

Stage

What Happened

Stoic Advice (and whether I took it!)

Trigger: Event that triggers anger

Very busy at work. People kept interrupting me. My wife rang me saying that the internet at
home wasn’t working

Accept that I don’t have control over
events. Lower my expectations about things going my way.
Not
sure I have quite internalised this yet.

I felt irritated and tense
First thoughts “Why is she ringing me now?”

Be on guard for these signs and put myself
on red alert for further angry thoughts
I
think I probably need to develop more Stoic Mindfulness as I didn’t catch
this very early

Stage 2 of anger:
Response to the first movements.
Can resist
or intensify initial angry
thoughts

Intensifying anger thoughts
1)I shouldn’t be interrupted
2)She should know I’m busy
3)She should know these things herself
4) I need to get angry to stop her doing
this

Alternatives that resist anger
1)Remind myself to lower my expectations –
the universe doesn’t always behave as I want it to!
2) Case for the defence! How can she know I
am particularly busy now?
3) I remembered the talk about other people
being like parts of our body. We are here to help each other. Why not help
her?
4) If I get angry she will get angry back.
I need to rise above being angry.
I
managed some of these at the time, enough for me to end up resisting angry.

Stage 3 of anger
Thinking and behaving and feeling,
depending on what happened at stage 2

I didn’t fall off
the precipice. I talked my anger down, realising that although I couldn’t
control people interrupting me, I could control my reaction.

I helped her –
turned out she had to reboot the wifi router at home – and was proud I did it
calmly. At other times I would still have ended up giving the same advice,
but we would both have got upset.

Lucas: Great work, Anthony. So what do you think we can learn from that?

Anthony: That I can control my anger if I try. That I still have work to do to lower my expectations and notice that I am starting to get angry. That if I do rise above anger then things work out better.

Lucas: Excellent. I think you are ready for the next lesson, which is the long-awaited, much heralded “How to be a virtuoso at living, how to develop the virtues”

Anthony: Becoming a virtuoso at living, I like the sound of that.

Lucas: The basic idea is the virtues are qualities we need to live well, given the human condition. We have desires, which can sometimes lead us into temptation. We have fears, which can sometimes lead us to cowardice and we live in communities which means that we have to decide how to treat others well. But we also have reason, our ability to think and act rationally – and also to think and act foolishly. The qualities we need to cultivate to live well given our capacity for temptation, fear, selfishness and folly are self-control, courage, justice and wisdom respectively. There are the four main or cardinal virtues – there are also many other important virtues all of which are related to these main four virtues – for example compassion is part of justice, patience part of self-control and discretion is part of wisdom. Does that make sense?

Anthony: Yes, but what has all this got to do with anger?

Lucas: The virtues provide a much better alternative to anger. The more you cultivate the virtues, the less you will need anger and the less attractive it will be as an option.

Anthony: How?

Lucas: You recall saying that you didn’t want to be a doormat? Well, if you develop virtues, you certainly won’t be a doormat. What virtues can help you stand up for yourself?

Anthony: Courage? Wisdom?

Lucas: And you want to fight injustices – what virtues do you need there?

Anthony: Justice of course. Courage and wisdom as well.

Lucas: And if you need to overcome first movements towards anger and a wish to punish others, what virtues do you need then?

Anthony: Self-control, justice and wisdom again.

Lucas: Finally we spoke about how we set ourselves up for anger by failing to realise that we can’t control other people or events, by having too idealistic expectations. What virtue do we call this understanding?

Anthony: Wisdom?

Lucas: Spot on. You may have noticed that wisdom was required in every single example. For Stoics, wisdom is the most important virtue. Some Stoics even argued that wisdom and virtue were the same thing.

Anthony: So was I being fully virtuous in the office when my wife rang me this week?

Lucas: Let’s think about it together. Did you have the wisdom to lower your expectations and not expect everything to go your way?

Anthony: No, that’s something I need to work on.

Lucas: Did you have the self-control to manage your first movements towards anger?

Anthony: Yes, just about.

Lucas: So I will ask you to develop Stoic Mindfulness by being on the look-out for feeling tense and starting to think angry thoughts. Did you show justice?

Anthony: Yes, I helped her.

Lucas: How did you manage that?

Anthony: I think by putting myself in her shoes and asking how I would like to be treated – a bit like you were saying about imagining my family as part of my own body.

Lucas: Good – and was courage relevant in this case?

Anthony: Not in this case – but I would have needed it to apologise if I had lost my temper!

Lucas: So here’s what I would like you to do this week. As well as looking at the crib sheet, every morning, carry out a rehearsal of how you might deal with potential adversities. Think of what might go wrong, what might be the early signs of anger, and how you might refute the angry thoughts and then apply the virtues. For example, next time you could imagine yourself starting to get angry when someone disagrees with you, remember which rebuttals apply and then think about how to practice self-control. wisdom, courage and justice. You might glance in your diary before you start and envisage potential problems, such as trains being late or encountering difficult people.

Anthony: So I need to approach life like boxers sparring before a fight.

Lucas: Yes, and if you feel that it’s unnecessary, remember that even emperor’s did exactly this. This is the passage from Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations I was telling you about.

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own – not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.”

Anthony: That will raise a smile on my morning commute.

Lucas: Good. Then during the day time look out for first movements to anger – developing Stoic Mindfulness and logging any examples of you getting angry or overcoming anger in the anger log like you did this week. Actually, please you add to the log ideas about how you would exhibit the virtues in each situation as well?

Anthony: OK

Lucas: Then in the evening meditation, review your day and think about how you have responded to possible anger triggers, again thinking about whether you responded with wisdom, self-control, courage and justice. Praise yourself when you have done well. If you have done less well, then reflect on what you can learn to help you do better next time

Anthony: Just like chess-player analyse their games afterwards.

Lucas: Exactly. We are approaching this enterprise as if you were entering the Olympic Games for anger management.

Anthony: Let’s see if I win a gold medal! See you next week.

Meeting 5 A Stoic Daily Regimen

Lucas: Good afternoon, Anthony, how has your week been?

Anthony: Great – no angry outbursts and my wife told me that I am a changed man. I even shared my joke about being a reformed Caligula with her. So I think this may be our last meeting.

Lucas: That’s fantastic news. We will conclude today then with a Stoic Daily Regimen – what you need to do to keep up the progress and become a gold medallist at beating anger. But there’s one important part of Seneca’s On Anger that we haven’t covered -what we might call lifestyle advice. Interested?

Anthony: Most of what Seneca said has proved useful, so let’s hear it.

Lucas: Seneca’s first lifestyle tip is to make sure you don’t take on too much. These days we would talk about a good life-work balance and about the importance of delegating tasks. Seneca says “In order, therefore, that the mind may be at peace, it ought not to be hurried hither and thither, nor, as I said before, wearied by labour at great matters, or matters whose attainment is beyond its strength.”

Anthony: I could probably do with more holidays and less late nights at the office. Oh, and my wife is always telling me to stop using my phone for work in the evening and weekends.

Lucas: So what can you change?

Anthony: No phone on Sundays or after 1000pm.

Lucas: Seneca also advises us to find ways to relax and to pay attention to our diet. He says. “Pythagoras used to calm his troubled spirit by playing upon the lyre … Green is good for wearied eyes.”

Anthony: I’m not sure about the lyre, but I find going for a run in the evening relaxes me

Lucas: How often could you go for a run each week?

Anthony: Maybe 3 times – better than the once every 2 weeks I do now.

Lucas: Seneca also advises us to choose our company wisely. He says “We should live with the quietest and easiest-tempered persons, not with anxious or with sullen ones: for our own habits are copied from those with whom we associate”

Anthony: Sounds like we should have had him on the panel when we were recruiting!

Lucas: These days many people find social media very unrelaxing too.

Anthony: You are right but in my case its more reading the news that stresses me out . I think I will limit my reading the news to early in the morning and when I come home.

Evening review. Reviewing your day, with an emphasis on any how you have
dealt with triggers of potential anger.
Reflect on what you have done well, what you could have done
better.

Anthony: Can you email me that?

Lucas: Sure. Shall we set a date for a follow-up in a month?

Anthony: Yes – but if I’m doing well, can we cancel it? I will drop you an email telling you of my progress. Thank you very much, it’s been really helpful – and interesting too.

Lucas: Thank you for all your work – the gold medal will be in the post!

Postscript:

There was no need for a final session. Anthony sent Lucas this email.

Dear Lucas.

I am writing to cancel our final planned session next week, because I really don’t think I need it. I’ve adopted the lifestyle changes and haven’t got angry for 3 weeks. I’ve made the 4 crib sheets and the daily regimen into acetates and put them in the bathroom for me to read every day. I’d really like to thank you for helping me and so would my wife! You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve even bought a copy of On Anger and have started to go through it. I hope that you are paying Seneca some royalties – I now see that you stole all of your best lines directly from him! Seriously though, many thanks and if we meet again it may be to discuss how I can apply Seneca and Stoicism to other aspects of my life. I’ll be in touch if and when I need your help again.

With thanks,

Anthony

Tim LeBon is the author of Wise Therapy and Achieve Your Potential with Positive Psychology. He is a philosophical life coach with a private practice in London and also an accredited CBT psychotherapist working in the NHS. He is a founder member of the Modern Stoicism team.