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New Faces New Places: Suicide support group helps those left behind

Author of the article:

Erin Petrow • Saskatoon StarPhoenix

Publishing date:

November 30, 2019 • 4 minute read

After the loss of her son Max to suicide, Jill Cowan created Healing to the Max, a community support group designed to aid those struggling after the suicide of a loved one. Photo taken in Saskatoon, SK on Tuesday, November 19, 2019.Matt Smith/ Saskatoon StarPhoenix

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When Jill Cowan’s teenage son Max took his own life in March 2015, she and her family struggled to find the support they needed to navigate the world without him.

“He was just 16-years-old, he was a student here in Grade 10 at Centennial. Max was a great kid, he had lots of friends, a girlfriend, a part-time job, was a first-string player on (Centennial’s) football team, he did soccer academy,” Cowan remembers.

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So, when Max approached his parents and told them he was struggling with depression, Cowan and her husband did everything they could to try to help him, including consultations with their family doctor and getting Max on the lengthy list to see a psychiatrist — but when his time on the waiting list was over it was already too late.

Though Cowan says Max seemed to be doing better — even enjoying a fun family getaway to Cuba and applying to a study abroad program — she said his suicide seemed unplanned like “the rug just got pulled out under his feet.”

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Even though they knew he had been struggling, she said, like many others left behind by suicide, that she was always hopeful he would get better, so losing him was not only heartbreaking but also incredibly traumatic.

“When my husband and I first started seeking help post-traumatic loss, we were referred to a councillor through his EFAP program and then she referred us to a group that is here in town called Left Behind,” Cowan explained. “We did take that program and it was very good … but, there was (no support groups) specifically for parents and there was nothing for our surviving children. So, as we were in the middle of trying to navigate our own loss, our own devastation, it really wasn’t the right time to be searching for services.”

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So, once she felt ready Cowan decided to help others going through the same struggle and fill those gaps with her own 12-week intensive support group. Teaming up with Anjenette Corbiel, the mother of Max’s best friend who also works as a professional therapist, the pair built a support program that would help to ease the pain for parents and siblings left behind by suicide.

And from their hard work, Healing to The Max was born. With two specific groups, one for parents and one for youth, the program is designed around narrative therapy and brings in a variety of healing and support techniques and topics to explore each week, including things like self-care and art and animal therapy. Each session then wraps up with a bit of journaling homework to help continue the learning and momentum into the next session.

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“Survivor’s guilt is tremendous for parents,” she said. “On top of that, there comes a point in your grieving process where you realize that you have to save yourself from the same thing that killed your child and that is incredibly difficult to do alone.”

She adds that 73 per cent of survivors who don’t get help will also commit suicide and only about 13 per cent of marriages survive after the suicide of a child. Which is why she finds it so important to incorporate coping techniques alongside ways to deal with issues like parenting a child who is grieving the loss of their sibling while in crisis mode yourself and helping parents navigate their grief together to strengthen their partnership.

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At the end of the program, Cowan says they aim to help the families realize that it’s not necessary to close off that chapter of their life to battle the grief, but instead learn how to “Say hello again” to the loved one they lost and find ways going forward, to incorporate their memory into everyday life while dealing with the grief in a healthy way.

“It’s not a matter of getting over it, it’s learning how to carry on forward and live well — and live with joy and live with peace once again.”

While the youth and teen group is scheduled to start in April 2020, the adult group had its first meeting on Wednesday — but Cowan says it’s not too late to sign up as they plan to leave spaces open until the third session.

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And though she still feels the pain of Max’s death, she knows her experience might help others, which is what it’s all about. In the future, once they receive their non-profit status, she is hoping to grow Healing to The Max to other communities around the province — especially the northern communities who are currently battling suicide crises.

“I took everything I learned through my own grief journey and I added everything that I felt was missing,” Cowan finished. “Our hope is that this program will grow so we are able to spread out and help more.”

After the loss of her son Max to suicide, Jill Cowan created Healing to the Max, a community support group designed to aid those struggling after the suicide of a loved one. Photo taken in Saskatoon, SK on Tuesday, November 19, 2019.Matt Smith/Saskatoon StarPhoenix

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