"Desolation Row"

"More Relations? No!"

The Lyrics

Forget Major-General, American Pie, TWOTEF and all the rest. I went through utter hell to write this. And now I feel like collapsing. Well JD, you asked for it originally...now you got it. *collapses from exhaustion*

I know you’ve always been haranguingAbout our pre-nuptial dealsThe fears I harbor aren’t very big onesBut you know how I feelIt seems a tad bit fishierTo wed a guy like youWhen you have got all these weirdo kinsmenAnd they want ME in their crew!Don’t be hurt now--I still love youBut I must let you knowHow crazy I’ll be if they get meSo, more relations? No!

See that fella, he seems so sleazyHe might be your uncle (I think)And his behavior’s downright recklessWhen he’s had a drinkWhen last he spotted me, he whispered,“Did you fall from heaven, hot chick?”Had I my way, I would have broken his neckJust like a stickOf all morals, he’s bereftAnd with the alcoholic flowIs one more reason I will stillSay, “More relations? No!”

Now Aunt June, she’s been forbiddenFrom showing a semblance of gleeHer sourpuss expressionMakes it look like someone has spiked her teaBut I know she’s more than ableTo deliver a snide remarkI act nice, but she quickly snaps,“Did you dress in the dark?Be a good American, start dressingLike you are not some old ho-bo!”Yet you insist that yes, I really doWant more relations...no!

I feel ya, but there’s your brother...For him, I pity that sapHe will argue utter triflesAnd his logic flies off the mapHe gets into trite semanticsIn a debate or spatDon’t you question his religionHe’ll scream at the drop of hatAnd though a muzzle would be niceSilence he won’t knowYou think I’ll put up with him?Ha! More relations, no!

Grandpa Phil, he’s self-assuredAbout his immortal claimsIf he would fight a tigerHe thinks he will escape unmaimedIt’s a curse how he’s so senileHe forgets which direction is upAnd I think I saw him pouring mudInto his coffee cupNow he thinks that the microwave isSome new TV showStubborn kooks like him will drive me nuts...Some more relations? No!

Now down the street, your hippie cousinsAre smoking weed out on the lawnThey play the Dead on full blastAnd the incense fumes hang until dawnThey are still reading Abbie HoffmanBut in their beliefs, they aren’t deft...With their now-old-fashioned attitudes,It’s like Nixon had never left!While their neighbor’s laughing, they wildly shout,“Free love is the way you should go!”Their annoyance ain’t something I need! Oh lordy...Gah! More relations, no!

Your grandma, in her agingOverbearing she’s becomeShe knitted me an overcoatThat wouldn’t fit Tom ThumbThen she smothers me with lipstick smearsAnd constricts me in her hugsBut worst of all, her fruitcake...Shoved down my throat, oh ugh!When I’m caught in her hasslesIt will only bring me woeI’ve got these on my side (and they’re grating)So, more relations? No!

Seems there’s a hero’s welcomeFor your dad, who’s rather richBut the way he treats you?You don’t get a pinch!In yen and pounds, in dollars and euros,Rolling in the cash he’s earningAnd while he ignores his familyThe gasoline he’s burningIn his Italian fast sports carHe will so quickly goBut he forgets that he has some kids...I say, “More relations, no!”

So it is clear we’ve got some issues hereHow will reunions be arranged?And unlike your unwanted presentsYour kin can’t be exchangedThese folks are as welcome to meAs a case of raging fluI’d rather change my current placesMaybe I’ll move to Timbuktu?But one upside--this would makeOne hell of a Springer talk show!You don’t want that? So hear me:MORE RELATIONS? NO!

"immortal claims" refers to claims of immortality, by the way. The claims themselves aren't immortal.

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User Comments

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firstly Cat, congrats on the title sub - that's usually half the battle (or in this case maybe one eighth) - and this must have drained even your vast reserves of imagination - I loved " It’s like Nixon had never left!" and the whole thing was amazing - 555

(SOTM) Ya know, I wanted to give this poor marks after you bashed one of my favorite bands, Cat, but to do so would be dishonest. This is damned impressive! Tackling this one might be the next challenge to all the top writers. 2112 5's for you!

This is a very difficult song to parody due to the length and phrasing. I should know because I did the first Desolation Row parody on Amiright titled Fraternity Row about life in a small Ohio college town in the 1980s. However, Johnny D did even better with his version of Desolation Row title Blow the Nation's Nose. Fabulous job all around!

SOTM - This type of parody is helluva fun to write, though I blow my own take on it for SOTM by making it a two month two parter. It's summoned up as one song here though: http://k1chyd.adress.eksjo.com/xanaxstilnoctandzoloft.htm

Well, I did "Desecrate the Host" as well as a few other Dylan parodies, and you're right, they require a lot of work and tend to be underappreciated. I have to confess when I saw the title I confused "relations" with "relationships", but you're clearly referring to a deranged extended family. And doing so in your usual sardonic style :)

(SOTM) see above, and more applause - you are the queen of invention cat and your character-developing detail is always awesome, like "They play the Dead on full blast" - and I liked the ending, but the idea in the first place, to bat back at the evil JD challenge, was the stroke of brilliance

(SOTM) It takes a lot to keep me interested in an OS that is over 11 minutes in length... rest assured, this parody is well more than "a lot". Really fine work, many great word subs(like "See that fella" for "Cinderella"), great title and really funny. 555

(SOTM) Due to procrastination I don't have time to listen to the OS, and I doubt I'd be able to make it through it anyway. If the parody was recorded, it would probably have to be split into 3 or 4 parts. However, as a poem it read really well...lyrics subs don't count for much here in my opinion because it is such an obscure song among "regular" people.

This is just fabulous, and about a subject dear to my heart, being that my family tree has only 1 branch :-). Chock full of great rhymes AND subs, this takes a back seat to no one who's done Desolation Row. And I agree about collapsing from exhaustion. I've done this twice now, and obviously need mental help :-) 555+++

Really, really, really hate the original song, but really, really, really love the parody, although it loses it's sparkle just after reading Wannabe's song about pretty much the same subject, a lot of crazy families won for SOTM this year.