Hands Across America-Dear God, No!

Its been 25 years since the Hands across America event. My memories have faded somewhat, but I do remember a few things.

It was all about raising money for the homeless and the hungry, & I have no problem with that. And it featured a God awful title song, obviously titled Hands Across America.

As I remember it, the event coordinators wanted to establish a chain of people stretching across the country, holding hands.

Had quite a problem with that. If I am holding hands with my wife, I am ok. But I have two hands & I have major concerns with the person holding my other hand. My concerns are as follows:

1. Did you recently pee? Or worse?

2. Did you recently sneeze or pick your nose?

3. Did you recently scratch your private areas for any reason within the last week?

Now because of the above reasons, I would have trouble just touching your hand. But holding your hand for an extended period of time? Oh baby, you’re making me crazy.

Now because my wife enjoyed a glass of wine a bit too much, my concerns became non concerns.

The night before the event, we pull into a pub. My wife immerses herself into conversation with a group of people who are going to hold hands the next day in some place that requires a bus trip, which I also hate.

My wife takes control of the group, fires them up, and promises to lead them in the following days events. To put it mildly, the morons are pumped.

We then go to a second pub. Another group of people who will hold hands the next day. My wife, who has now imbibed a bit more, once again takes charge. She will lead the way with THIS group of people tomorrow.

I try to get her attention to tell her she already promised to be with another group. She waves me off.

We go home, and go to bed. We wake up in the morning, & I inform her that she has promised to be with two groups of people at the same time, at different places, in a leadership role. She looks at me, rolls over, pulls a pillow over her head, and goes back to sleep.

Obviously, for me, this means I won’t have to hold hands with an unwashed person, so I don’t feel great sadness.

That’s why in the Hands across America event, that stretched thousands of miles, there was a tiny break in the human chain, in the state of New York, cuz we were still in bed.