The 27 Stages of Mortification

This is important, y’all. I want to clarify something I wrote in my show recap that, understandably so, y’all might have thought was just hyperbole on my part. But there actually ARE 27 stages of mortification.

It is possible to go through the entire process in about 6 seconds.

Confusion as to why my body just did something my brain did not tell it to do

Curiosity about whether I may be under the spell of a witch

Or a body snatcher

Or whether I am experiencing amnesia

Decide amnesia is least likely

Get control of rebellious/possessed/enthralled body

Realize that what rebellious/etc. body just did is actually pretty bad

Feel shame

Feel remorse

Crave doughnuts

And beer

Feel thirsty

Get brain back on track, and tell body to get its shit together

Sit tall

Piercingly gaze forward

Accept that body has made a mistake and that brain is a slacker

Focus on the beer waiting for me at the end of all this

No wait, brain, focus on the task at hand

Attempt to accomplish task at hand

Wonder what body looks like accomplishing the task at hand

Wonder if people are watching me

Confirm that people are indeed watching me

Piercingly gaze forward again

Suppress urge to scream and whimper

Accept the difficulty of the situation and pursue it to its natural conclusion anyway

Sigh

Shrug shoulders and smile awkwardly

I imagine each stage is highly gif-able, too, possibly even exclusively with cat gifs, but I’m not that fancy.