Reader’s story: In bed with abuse

At the age of 25, Meet, a young woman from India who dreamed of creating a loving family and aspired to her bright future, met her abuser. She, like most of us, believed in love, hope, happiness and in the man that promised to share all that with her. He was a year younger, handsome, reassuring, said all the right things and was about to change her life forever.

“I met my husband 40 days before our wedding, when our families arranged our engagement. My mother and his are distant relatives and while attending a friend’s wedding my mother saw him again after many years and discussed our prospective wedding. When I saw him for the first time, everything was already decided for us, but I didn’t mind. He looked great, I loved the way he talked and all was okay, I was happy.

Ten days before the wedding I found out that he was smoking and drinking which he made sure not to mention when we met. I loved him, so I chose to overlook the drinking problem, believing that it was not or would not be an issue that would affect our marriage. On the 17th of March 2013 we got married – my first wedding night was not as I had always dreamed it would be.

My husband subjected me to sexual acts so violent that my vagina was swollen and bleeding.”

Unfortunately, many women, like Meet, feel hurt, confused and betrayed after the first incident of abuse. They try hard to comprehend why it happened and find ways to excuse such behaviour often blaming temporary moods, daily difficulties, worries and problems and end up accepting the ‘it won’t happen again’ notion. They have invested in the relationship with the person they love and letting go of all their dreams and hopes about that relationship is a kind of loss that no one wants to go through.

“It was only two weeks into our marriage when he beat me up violently. He also threatened to leave me because he said we are two different people.

He always told me how much he hated me and used to verbally abuse me too, calling me ‘bitch’ and worse.

After a few days of being physically abused, I talked to my parents about it. My family and I are very close but they lived far away from us. I was and felt alone.

My parents, at first, wanted to find reasons for his appalling behaviour often saying that he is just stressed from not having a job, and no money. They asked me to be patient, and I wanted to be. I didn’t want to let my parents down. His own mom, pretended to take my side and care for me when in reality she was just covering up for her son.

After every beating, every insult he would ask for forgiveness. He would sober up and tell me how sorry he was and that it will never happen again. I wanted to believe him so badly, although deep down I started to think that he probably never loved me or wanted to work on our marriage.

During my 6 months of living hell, he severely beat me seven times and raped me twice. He would punch my face, slap me, hit my body and use his feet to kick me and hurt me all over. My beautiful eyes turned black and his mother always stopped me from going to the doctor or hospital for treatment. When someone asked what happened she would say I slipped in the bathroom and brainwashed me into saying the same.

My husband forced me to take four contraceptive pills in one month as he didn’t want us to have a baby together. However, five months into our marriage I found out I was almost two months pregnant and told him. His reaction shocked me to say the least (Read: ‘Being Violent or Abusive Is a Choice’).

He forcefully beat me that night – he bruised my face and body, my lips were bleeding as I was begging him to stop. I lost my baby.”

Meet says that she has been a victim of what many other women desperately try to do – save their marriage and keep their families together. So they stay silent. They forgive and they come up with every possible excuse for the scars and the bruises, hoping that their partners will change, that it was just ‘a one off’, every single time (Read: ‘Abused or Abusive? 5 Questions to Ask’).

“I was led to believe that he didn’t like me enough or that I wasn’t good looking enough. I cut my knee-length hair short for him but it didn’t change anything. I still felt that I loved him, that I had feelings for him but he kept telling me how much he hated being with me. I don’t know why, I couldn’t find the strength to go. I still believed that things would change (Read: ‘Why I Stayed’).

Around July 2013 and just shortly before he left, he got drunk one night and raped me again. He used his teeth to bite my vagina and cause me bad internal injuries. Then he left me and moved to another city to be with the woman he was seeing.

One and a half years after we got married, he asked for a divorce. I repeatedly phoned and messaged his girlfriend telling her to leave my husband alone. I told her that I really love my husband and that I want him back (Read: ‘Abused no More’’). But it was fruitless as they had already decided to be and live together. Recently, my court case went through a community centre that ruled that my husband should live with me for 2 more months and then see how it goes and proceed accordingly.

On the 10th of February of this year he agreed to give it another try. He had to sign papers stating that he wouldn’t hit me or abuse me in any way. We rented a single room with no facilities.

There was not even enough space for my clothes and there was no food. I was utterly shocked. It felt like I was in jail. He always used to come home late at night, usually drunk and aggressive.

He told me he wouldn’t have sex with me until the case against him was dropped and he blamed me for everything that he was going through.

I knew that his girlfriend had instructed him not to touch me sexually in any way and that hurt me a lot. One night, on the 13th of February 2015 he told me he would not come home. I begged him to stay and called his mother to let her know. He and his girlfriend had planned to spend time together. He eventually came home late and drunk. I wished him Happy Valentine’s Day, but in return he accused me of seeing other people and having affairs, something that was totally untrue. My husband was the first man I have been with and still is to this day. (Read: ‘The Past doesn’t Define Us; Re-Learn to Trust’).

We argued and he started hitting and attacking me. He chased me around the house, shouting abuse at me while threatening me. I tried calling my mom but my phone was locked and I panicked and started screaming and shouting for help. I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor and called the police.

I have filed domestic abuse cases against him and we are also waiting for the divorce to come out. I have finally found peace away from the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with (Read: ‘Speak Up’). He ended up being the one person that hurt me the most and I would advise all women in the same situation as me to just get out. No man is ever worth your pain and tears. Men who abuse you in any way, should not be with you and you shouldn’t let them get away with it.”

Meet is now living with her parents and is looking for a job. She tells me that she likes cooking, listening to music, travelling and is aspiring to become a model one day (Read: ‘Reader’s story: She Finally flew Free’).

No woman deserves to be abused in any manner , no matter what the abuser will make you or have you believe. It is all part of the abuser’s twisted plan to make you feel down, devalued, unappreciated, disrespected and bring about to you feelings of self pity, feeling useless, have low or no self esteem and self worth. SPEAK UP!

Need2talk-here2listen – 01924 302552 or 3025554 – free, local, confidential counseling service for 13 to 19 year old offering support for a whole range of issues such as sexual health, relationships, family issues, drugs, bullying, alcohol and more

Ask Brook – 0808 802 1234 or visit the website – confidential helpline for young people aged 25 and under

ChildLine – 0800 11 11 or visit the website – helpline for anyone aged 18 and under – counselors can talk to you about any problem

STAR (Surviving Trauma After Rape) – call 01924 298954 or visit the website.- offers free, confidential, emotional and practical support for anyone aged 14+ who has been raped or sexually assaulted. You don’t have to have reported the offense to the police to be able to use the service.

Respect – 0845 122 8609 or visit the website– offers information and advice to those being abused and those behaving in an abusive way.

Samaritans – 01924 377011 – 24/7 confidential, emotional support advice line for those in distress or despair.

Women’s Aid – 0808 2000 247 or visit the website – a free 24/7 domestic violence helpline run in partnership with Refuge alongside a network of over 500 domestic and sexual violence services across the UK.

Psychologist, world citizen, mother - Effie is one half of the alwaysladies.com founding pair. She can bring to life any party with either a smile, or a strong opinion. If like us you can't get enough of Effie, visit her blog at www.thethinkingmomblog.com