Tuesday, October 10, 2006

True Wife Confessions Bride 91

Confession #901

I will never tell you this. But it sorta excites me (or relieves me) to post it on the world wide web! I kissed another man. I was going to have sex with him but I pushed him off, walked away, and scolded myself. It won't happen again. But I'm never going to tell you about it, even though it's killing me inside. Sometimes telling the truth hurts other people more than if you just keep it in and bare the burden yourself. I'm gonna bare this burden, babe. I'm really sorry I let you down. I'll do better next time.

Confession #902

I love you. I knew I wanted to marry you from before we ever evendated, when we were friends. I knew that if you weren't "it", than Ididn't know what "it" was. I love that you are a man of God, that youare full of faith that I aspire to. I love that you love me like noneof my multiple dads have, and that you don't judge me at all by myslightly crazy family history. I love that you can get past theircraziness to see the good things about them too. You see the good ineveryone (which is slightly annoying when I am grumpy, I admit, butmostly wonderful.) I can't wait to be the mother of your childrensomeday, because I know you already have the heart of an amazingfather and that you can't wait to be one.

I appreciate so much that we have moved across the country becausethis is the grad school I wanted to go to, and you said to go forwhatever my heart desired. I love that even away from friends andfamily, we support each other and are all the family we need. I lovethat when I was bored this summer, before school started, you let usget a second dog, even though you didn't want to. I love that you'reupstairs right now giving him a bath so I can get schoolwork done. (Ipromise, I'm about to start.) I love even more that you appreciatethe stress I'm under, and you give great back rubs to help me relax.

You're not perfect. Sometimes you drive me nuts. But I'm an avidreader of this site, and while I feel like some confessions remind meof you, most of them just make me so thankful that you somehow choseme to be your wife.

Confession #903

Why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why.WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? Why are you irritating me on levels I never thought possible right now. Good grief man, you are SO ANNOYING. Just STOP berating me, stop chiding me, stop talking to me like I am a three year old, stop patronizing me, stop being so goddamn fucking YOU. Ugh! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Words cannot even describe how much I would like to stab you in the throat right now. Just FUCK OFF.

Confession #904

I don't want to be married to you anymore, but am too scared to do anything about it because I don't want to be a single mother, and I don't want to be a failure. And because I love you.

But I never should have married you, I always knew you didn't love me the way I wanted and deserved to be loved, but I thought it would grow. 5 years later, it hasn't. The other night when you pushed me away, I was so hurt. Since then I have not laid a hand on you, and I have realized (well, I always knew, but now I really know) that if I don't touch you, we don't touch...and if I don't say "I love you", it doesn't get said. The only time I touch you now is in the mornings, when you are sleeping, so I can tell myself that you aren't touching me back because you are asleep, and not because you never do (except occasionally when you want sex, but that is NOT what I mean. It is the other touches that matter so much...the stroking and hugging and hand holding and touches on the back or shoulder that I never get)

You are a good man and an amazing father, but you suck at being a husband. Maybe you just suck at being my husband because you don't love me enough or I want too much, but even though we get along fine and don't fight often, this marriage sucks and is only getting worse and sadder.

Confession #905

This confession is from one wife to another...

You are my neighbor. For quite some time I've been very nice to you. I've done many a favor for you. I have watched and fed your child countless times. You have yet to say, "Thank you." You act as if I should be thanking you. You like to brag about how you've ripped off this person, the school district, or some business. You've told me how you didn't really want your youngest child, "But we're Christians, so what else could we do?" (You have said this in front of her.) You say the only good thing about having an autistic child is using getting a handicapped parking space so you never have to walk far. And you park in handicapped spaces when he's not even with you. Your behavior is revolting. I no longer let you in my house. You probably think I'm completely rude. But to be honest, it takes every bit of self control I have to NOT slap you upside the head. God knows, I WANT to.

And now you are scratching your head and wondering HOW on earth your oldest could have gotten into drugs. And I think you suspect what I do -- that your son is the one who stole some of our belongings. I have told you that if we find the little punk who stole our stuff that we'd prosecute and go after the parents. You agreed heartily that we should at the time. I wonder what you are thinking now?

I hope the cops do find out that it was your son who stole our stuff. Because then we can go after your ass. And then my husband won't tell me I'm such a bitch for not being "neighborly" toward you. He feels sorry for your pathetic ass. I don't. Mainly because I don't think you have a conscious. I don't think you have a soul. If you do, it must be vile and black as tar.

I hope you read this site. I hope you recognize yourself in this confession. Because you really need to get a clue, examine your priorities, and get an attitude adjustment.

Confession #906

I've never told you this, but I am preoccupied with the idea of divorcing you and living on my own. I make up scenarios in my mind that begin with you doing or saying something truly awful to me and end in me leaving you and finding an apartment and starting all over again. I just now realized why I do this. It's because I want to prove that I can. I married very young and I never got the chance to be independent so I feel like I have something to prove. My mom never left my dad the many times she should have (and still hangs on to him to this day) and I just want to show her how it's done. A truly awful way to think, I know. But please trust me when I say that I don't really want to divorce you and I never intend to.

Confession #907

We got married earlier this year after almost a decade together. There are times you drive me absolutely crazy--to the point I really wonder what my life would be without you. Should I have married a guy who wears a suit to work and who loves attending events and involving himself in community leadership? And who doesn't leave dishes in the sink every day, eat all the good cereal or come out of the shower with wet feet on the floor. But then I think of the good stuff, the things I focused on when I said yes to marrying you. The way you absentmindedly kiss my forehead in the movies. How you nap spooning the dog. The way you DO dress up for events and send thank-you cards when I heckle you long enough. How you still can't get enough of grabbing my booty and will always tangle up your arms and legs with mine when we sleep. You've been such a loving buddy, you're my very best friend, and you're going to be an incredible father.

Confession #908

I HATED being your wife. Every single time I heard someone call me MRS_____,it made me want to scream. I only married you because I came from acommunity that viewed marriage as the next step in a relationship. Now thatI've broken free of that whole brainwashing religion I'll never get involvedwith a sadomasochistic person like you ever again.

I may have been a virgin when we wed but even I know that you were acomplete loser in bed. I had to watch a few erotic films just so that Icould realistically fake it. In fact the only time I came was when I did thejob myself.

I look back at our time together and realize that you hated youself and justused me as a dumping ground for all of that self loathing. You are a bastardfor doing that to me. I had people telling me that I could have beenAngelina Jolie's twin but I felt like an ugly freak, that is what you did tome. Besides, you were the hideous person in our relationship, I never oncethought that you were even remotely attractive.

I hated your mother. You'll never admit it but you hate her as well, that iswhy you told her to shutup and would sabotage her. The sick part is that youdepended on her to make your decisions for you, that makes you one sickfuck. So I hope you end up with a beauty queen that almost immediatelygains 200 pounds. That would be true justice. No even better is that psychobitch ex girlfriend that you refused to put in her place when she wouldharass me. I hope you get back with her and she just shreds you. Then youwould be even less of a man than you already are.

Live in misery and hope that you rot in the same prison of a life that youmade for me.

Confession #909

I know that you're cheating on me.

I love our kids too much to leave you.

I've DONE the whole single-parent thing once before and I don't want to do it again.

I'm afraid to give you the ultimatum because I don't think you would choose me.

I just hope that you realize you are not just cheating on me, you're cheating on our children.

Confession #910

I pick up a gun and load one bullet into the chamber. I calmly shut it and spin. Then, as you watch, put the gun to my head and….click…

The next day I get the gun out and start to put it to my head. You tell me not to do it that you love me and ask me to put it down. That your afraid I will get hurt. I pull the trigger….click

As the days turn into weeks and weeks into months every day I pull out the gun and…click

You begin to have anxiety attacks just thinking about that sound…that…click…and beg me to get rid of the gun. I tell you it isn’t your problem. That you have to just wait for me to be ready to put the gun down but for now I am not…click

Now it is years later and you have tried everything and are physically sick just knowing the gun is in the house…click

The kids are older now. You used to make excuses about the gun, tried to hide it from them or explain it away so they wouldn’t be as scared as you are but now they know, they see and they fear it as much as you. You plead with me to stop for their sakes but I insist they are fine and so am I. It is you that needs the help...click

It is too much for you to bear as I pull the trigger more and more each day. Oh there have been times I have put the gun down for a while but I have never really let it go. You try to physically wrestle the gun away from me when I pick it up again but that only makes me hate you for making it a problem when it really isn’t….click

Your physically falling apart. Spiritually and emotionally your empty when it comes to the gun. You wish I would either give it up for good or just get the one wrong chamber to bring some sort of end to the nightmare. But you really don’t want it to end that way. You want me to get it, to care enough about myself and you and our children to stop but somehow I don’t…click

Just the other day you walked into your baby girls room and found her with a gun to her head…click~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s what it is like living with your alcoholism.

It’s the only way I can say it.

You think I wont leave but if you don’t stop I will, and I wont wait until our kids are drunks like you to do it.

17 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Kinda wierd 9:10. I honestly don't get it. I get you might want to kill yourself because your husband is an alcoholic but maybe you didn't come across like you had intended. Because I just don't get it.

#910, I got your message loud and clear. Great writing. I hate that you and your children are living with an alcoholic. I only hope the he gets the help he needs so you and your children can feel safe again. My heart goes out to you.

Wow, I've never seen or heard that situation described that way and for someone who's never been in that situation, it's an eye opener. Good luck to you and your children and I hope all of you get the help that you need. Perhaps you should show that post to him and maybe, just maybe, he will understand just how he is affecting you and your kids.

11:44--You hate which people? all of us? go the hell away then! You hate alcoholics? People who are married to alcoholics? What's wrong with you? Why would you say that without any kind of reference? You hate #910 specifically? That's scary to me. Hate is a REALLY strong word. It carries a lot of power. Think about the weight that word carries--there is not a stronger word in that vein of emotion. Anyone who can actually really and truly HATE someone they've never met is frightening.

904 - I understand. Sometimes I wonder what has happened to him in the past that makes him flinch every time I touch him. Usually he'll catch himself, but if he's not thinking about it, he instinctually pulls away. I too have tried to just not touch him at all anymore, but sometimes I forget and still do. I just try not to touch him too often.

2:49. Thanx. I talked about it with him last night...things are a little better. He promised that he loves me and is just not touchy feely like me, and explained that he didn't want to make love that night because he though I still had AF (which is a religious issue for him)...

Maybe I'll be able to accept a little less, and he'll be able to give a little more, and we'll be okay. This issue always recurs though...it gets better, then worse. I hope it gets better for ever. I hope for you too.