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HLT 200: Human Sexuality Chapter 4

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Human Sexuality Chapter 4

2.
Establishing early Intimacy (Today) <ul><li>Field of eligibles – all the individuals who meet a person’s criteria as a potential romantic partner (pp. 100-102) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Physical Attractiveness – research has consistently shown that attractiveness plays a key role in the early formation of a potential intimate relationship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>The Effect of Media – media constantly conveying today’s standards of beauty and attractiveness in a particular culture </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>The Matching Hypothesis – the theory that people tend to seek romantic and sexual partners who possess a level of physical attractiveness similar to their own </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Proximity effect – the theory that the closer we are to another person in geographical distance, the greater the probability that we will grow to like or even love the person (p. 103) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>First – it stands to reason that if you are sharing the same physical space with another person, you will have more opportunity to meet and get to know each other </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Second – the more you find yourself in the same situation with another person, the more likely it is that the two of you have interests in common </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Third – mere exposure effect – the psychological principle that humans appear to have a natural and usually unconscious tendency to grow fonder of a ‘novel stimulus’ the more often they are exposed to it </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>If upon first encountering a new person, your initial reaction is profoundly negative, the mere exposure effect may not occur, and instead your dislike may increase with repeated encounters </li></ul></ul></ul>

3.
<ul><li>Similarity – people are more likely to become romantically involved with and marry others who possess attitudes, interests, and personality characteristics similar to their own (p. 104) </li></ul><ul><li>Flirting – Subtle behaviors designed to signal sexual or romantic interest in another person (pp. 104-106) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>It allows us to “check someone out” as a potential sexual partner or mate because rejection carries very little risk or pain </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>5 steps of flirting </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>1. The Approach – the initial contact begins with a look </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>usually from the woman </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>2. Talk – Small talk begins </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Usually from the man first </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Usually it’s a question that requires an answer </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>3. Swivel and Turn – pronounced body language </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>4. Touch – subtle, seemingly “accidental” brief touch </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Usually by the woman first </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Usually return by the man </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>5. Synchronization – an easy, flowing unison of movement </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Research has shown this happens naturally and cannot be faked </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><li>Reciprocity of attraction – The idea that someone you like or love likes or loves you back (reciprocates your feelings) with approximately the same degree of intensity (pp. 106-107) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>It may help explain why individuals with poor self-esteem and high self-doubt have trouble forming lasting romantic relationships </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>People who doubt themselves also doubt their partners love </li></ul></ul></ul>Establishing early Intimacy (Today)

4.
Love <ul><li>Triangular theory of love – Sternberg’s theory that 3 fundamental components of love (1. intimacy, 2. passion, and 3. commitment) in various combinations, define the qualities of a relationship (pp. 107-108) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Intimacy – refers to the emotional closeness 2 people feel </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Wanting what’s best for the partner </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Feeling the partner’s happiness </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Passion – physical arousal side of relationships </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Desire to be near your partner as much as possible </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Sexual and romantic attraction you feel for your partner </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Commitment – rational aspect of a love relationship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Chosen desire to be loyal, faithful and committed to your partner </li></ul></ul></ul>

6.
Styles of Love <ul><li>Styles of Love – Lee’s theory that people follow individual psychological motifs or styles in relating to a love partner </li></ul><ul><li>6 categories </li></ul><ul><ul><li>1. Eros Love – An erotic, passionate style of love often characterized by short-lived relationships </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They tend to feel an urgent sexual desire and strong physical attraction </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>2. Ludus Love – focuses on the excitement of forming a relationship more than the relationship itself and typically moves rapidly from one relationship to another </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They love to flirt, seduce their partners and they play the field </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>3. Storage Love – characterized by caring and friendship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They usually begin as friends, and it takes time to love each other </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>4. Mania Love – a possessive, dependent, and often controlling style of love </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They are fearful that their partner will leave and must be constantly reassured </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>5. Pragma Love – partners are selected in a businesslike way on the basis of rational, practical criteria </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They are practical in selecting a partner based on their requirements other than love </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>6. Agape Love – focused on giving the partner whatever they want or need without the expectation of receiving anything in return </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They are patient and nondemanding with their partner </li></ul></ul></ul>

7.
Communication in Love Relationships <ul><li>Self-Disclosure – revealing personal, private, and intimate thoughts, feelings, and information to another person (pp. 115-116) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Opening up personally to each other is a major factor in building intimacy in love relationships </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Patterns of effective communication – 3 patterns of effective communication most often seen in healthy relationships (pp. 117-118) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>1. Validating Communication </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Both partners listen and seek to understand each other </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They solve their conflicts by calm discussion and compromise </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>2. Volatile Communication </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Both partners don’t hold back and readily express themselves </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They solve their conflicts by fighting them out </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>3. Conflicting-Avoiding Communication </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Both partners try to avoid conflicts </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They solve their conflicts by downplaying them and not concern about a resolution </li></ul></ul></ul>

8.
Communication in Love Relationships <ul><li>Communication warning signs – 4 communication warning signs that are common to most couples who find themselves drifting apart (pp. 118-120) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>1. Criticism – verbal fault-finding </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>An attack on the partner’s actions </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Complaining v. Criticism </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Complaining - an expression of an unmet need </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Complaining is NOT criticism </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Complaining is healthy because it expresses each partner’s need, which allows for the need to be met </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>2. Contempt – disrespect, disgust, or hate expressed when the positive feelings partners once had for each other have dissipated </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Contempt is aimed at the person’s character </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>If criticism increases and not averted, it will lead to contempt </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>3. Defensiveness – protective against complaining, criticism and contempt </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>If someone treats you with contempt or criticism , you will eventually become defensive </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Allows each partner to deny responsibility for whatever problem the partner brings up, which leads to blame </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>4. Stonewalling – relying on a passive form of power and aggression by being unresponsive when disagreements and disputes erupt </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>One or both partners give up on trying to make it the relationship work </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Gottman contends that it’s the culmination of the other 3 danger signs </li></ul></ul></ul>

9.
Communication in Love Relationships <ul><li>Understanding Intimate Communication (pp. 120-121) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>6 ‘Simple Truths’ </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>1. Each relationship contains a reservoir of hope </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Couples can regain good communication and intimacy if they can find where the good intentions lie and tap into them </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>2. One zinger will erase 20 acts of kindness </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Couples must learn how to control these kinds of angry outburst and to approach conflicts constructively and at the right time and place </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>3. Small changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Small adjustments can make a very positive difference </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>4. It’s not the difference between partners that cause problems but how the difference are handled when they arise </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Differences should not be handled as a judge or counselor </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>5. Men and women fight using different weapons but suffer similar wounds </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Men are less comfortable with conflict and a greater tendency to withdraw from or avoid uncomfortable discussions </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Women have more difficulty with emotional distance and are more likely to need to resolve conflicts through discussion as soon as possible </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>6. Partners need to practice relationship skills in order to become good at them </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Happy, successful relationships require many learned communication abilities </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>

10.
Communication in Love Relationships <ul><li>Enhancing Intimate Communication (p. 122) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Couple meetings </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Have open and honest communication </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Speak and listen as clearly and attentively as possible </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>5 Rules (See Table 4.2) (p. 122) </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Rule 1: Make a date </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Set aside at least 30 minutes per week </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Rule 2: Focus on the problem </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Make sure the time is a time with no interruptions </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Rule 3: Use the “speak-listener tool” </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Write floor on an index card </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Who has the card may speak and the other must listen </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Rule 4: Do not blame or attack </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Share the problem and the responsibility in solving it </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Rule 5: Reserve the right to take a break </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Each partner needs to know that they may call for a break any time </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>In addition to the 5 Rules, politeness is the most fundamental attribute of a happy and successful relationship </li></ul></ul>

13.
Abusive and Violent Relationships <ul><li>2 signs of an unhealthy and abusive relationship (p. 130) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>1. power and control </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>The abuser’s goal is to take complete control of the partner and the relationship </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>2. pattern of destructive behaviors </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Relationship abuse usually involves a pattern of abusive events </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><li>Types of relationship abuse (pp. 131-132) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Physical abuse </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Any physical control – from physical (such as pushing and hitting) to physical intimidation (such as waving a fist and blocking a partner’s exist) </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Verbal abuse </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Any verbal attack – from directed at the victim (such as name-calling and trivializing the victim’s ideas, opinions or wishes) to accusations about the victim to others (such as untrue accusations) </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Emotional abuse </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Any abuse that focuses on the victim’s feelings and emotions – from the attempt to make the victim feel unworthy of being loved, unattractive, sexually unskilled to making the victim feel they are the cause of the abuse </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Examples </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>“ Why should I tell you what I’m thinking” </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>“ Why would I want to make love with someone like you” </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>“ Your not hurt – stop complaining” </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>

14.
Abusive and Violent Relationships <ul><li>The Cycle of Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationships (SEE 4.5 – p. 134) </li></ul><ul><li>Cycle of abuse – the repetitive pattern of stages that define most abusive and violent relationships, cycling through the honeymoon stage, the tension-building phase, and the explosion of violence, followed by a return to the honeymoon stage, and the beginning of a new cycle (pp. 132-134) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Stage 1: Honeymoon phase </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Partners are loyal, devoted, caring and etc </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Stage 2: Tension-building phase </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Tension between the partners happen </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Difference of opinion, a disagreement over a purchase and etc. </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>One partner gives in to the other person position to gain harmony </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>This giving in continues because it seems it’s worth it if it relieves tension </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Stage 3: Explosion of violence phase </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Instead of one partner surrenders, an abusive or violent explosion occurs </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>The abuser yells, ridicules, threatens and etc. </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>The victim does whatever is necessary to calm things down </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>THEN IT STARTS ALL OVER IN THE HONEYMOON PHASE </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>This can last for days, weeks, and even months </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>This is why it’s are to see it develop </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>

15.
Abusive and Violent Relationships <ul><li>Leaving a violent – Usually, the only way to stop relationship violence is for the victim to leave (pp. 134-135) </li></ul><ul><li>Guidelines a victim should do to be reasonably safe after leaving an abusive relationship (p. 135) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Assess the abuser’s danger level </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Have an escape plan </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Create a safety network of trusted people </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Obtain a court-ordered restraining order </li></ul></ul><ul><li>The temptation to go back (pp. 135-136) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Majority of women victims return at least once </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Nearly a 5 th of women victims return 10 times </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Reasons of returning range from financial to loneliness and even because of the fear of being killed </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Some victims even say they were happier in the relationship than they are without it </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><li>Loving Again – after a terribly abusive relationship, victims can love again (pp. 136-138) </li></ul><ul><ul><li>It requires careful thought and self-assessment </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>1 common fear is becoming involved with another abusive or violent person </li></ul></ul>