Fresh, intelligent, and surprising discussions for those who value modesty in its various forms.

May 29, 2012

It's not yet June, but already summer has started in Chicago-land which means that it's time for sprinklers and splash pads and if we're lucky, a few trips to the local water park. Of course all these activities require adequate swimwear.

My six-year-old son is no problem. He's been wearing the same pair of Lightening McQueen swim trunks for the last three years. Somehow they still manage to fit, although they no longer reach to his knees like they did the first year. Throw on a t-shirt for some extra sun and scratch protection and he's set. Same goes for my husband. Trunks and a t-shirt and he's ready to go.

I was fortunate enough to find a great, modest swimsuit for myself last fall. It's both modest and fashionable, or at least what I consider fashionable, and it's quite comfortable to wear. I happened upon it while looking at department store sales online and got it for a steal. (In case you're interested, it's a Miracle Suit.) It's a relief for me to know that this year I won't have to worry about my swimwear "situation" as I now feel confident knowing that I'll be both adequately covered and comfortable enough to have fun in the water.

Then there's my daughter. She's only three and already we have encountered difficulties when it comes to clothing her for swimming. I know many people would scoff at my dilemma but I don't take lightly the challenge of teaching her from an early age that her body is special and for that reason we take special care to keep it safe and protected at all times. Unfortunately, bathing suit manufacturers don't seem to share my concern and consequently most of what I found when I went shopping for her were not what I considered appropriate for a three-year-old.

I know to many a bikini on a little girl might seem cute. There's nothing really to show-off on a three-year-old, and I don't think maufacturers and parents are actively trying to sexualize their little girls. However, my husband and I both find the idea of toddler bikinis weird. If I'm not going to let my teen daughter wear a sexy bikini when she eventually does have something to show off, then why would I prep her for it by allowing her to wear one now? It's not exactly fair to change the rules midstream. And bikinis just don't seem comfortable or practical for swimming and playing, espcially for little girls.

Of course I found it interesting that there were tons of these suits hanging on the racks in both the infant-toddler section and the girls section of the store, while the one suit I would have considered buying was nearly sold out. It was a board short + rash guard shirt combo and was just what I had in mind. Apparently I wasn't the only one since there was only one left, in the wrong size, of course.

There were quite a few two-pieces that included the rash-guard shirt and bikini bottoms, or bikini top with board short bottoms. I considered buying one of each, but the colors and sizes didn't jive very well. But the one combining the shorts and shirt? They were gone, stripped from shelves before summer has even officially begun!

Aren't stores and manufacturers always taking account of the buying habits of their customers? Don't they notice when the most modest and protective style of swimsuit sells out immediately? It seems like good business to get more. I've noticed this same pattern in the past....the most modest suits are the most difficult to find, and when you do find them they've inevitably sold out.

As it turns out, I managed to dig out an older suit that was given to us a hand-me-down from a friend, one I had forgotten about. It's a one-piece that fully covers both chest and bottom and while wasn't my first choice, it will do. With a t-shirt over it for added protection, it should work pretty well.

Modesty takes work. It's not convenient and often not cheap. But dignity and self-preservation go a long way when it comes to cultivating confidence in our daughters, something much of society forgets or ignores, especially when it comes to the simple act of dressing. For that reason I refuse to compromise. It's just not worth it in the long run.

January 08, 2012

I came across this article the other day and thought it would make for an interesting discussion her on Modestly Yours.

Recently a Colorado teenager named Sydney Spies was told that her choice for her senior picture would not be published in her school's yearbook because the picture was too racy. In the picture Spies is wearing a short yellow skirt and a black shawl tied about her chest in place of a shirt, leaving her shoulders and midriff bare.

Spies was told by the book's editors that the picture did not follow the school's dress code and could not be used as her senior portrait, although it could still be published as a senior ad. She was also given the opportunity to submit another photo for her senior portrait, but declined. The five editors of the year book insist the decision to not publish Spies' picture was theirs, and not the administrators, although administrators backed their decision.

“We are an award-winning yearbook. We don’t want to diminish the quality with something that can be seen as unprofessional,” said student Brian Jaramillo.

Spies, along with her mother, are now pursuing legal action against the school for supporting the editors' decision not to run the picture as a senior portrait. “I feel like they aren’t allowing me to have my freedom of expression. I think the administration is wrong in this situation, and I don’t want this to happen to other people.”

Somehow I find it hard to believe that Miss Spies is really all that concerned with "freedom of expression" for herself or anyone else. Rather, I get the sense that we're dealing with a young woman who's gotten her way so often that she doesn't know how to submit to the word, "no". Consequently, she's unable to recognize the inappropriateness of her attire for this particular publication and she's unable to accept limits placed on her by others whose authority supersedes her own in a given instance. Neither one of these facts bode well for her future as a successful adult unless she's willing to humbly accept the fact that she's not always going to get her way, and that that is a good thing, even if it doesn't seem so at the time.

I also have to question the role of her mother in this situation, showing up at protests and meetings with administrators and lawyers, all in an effort to get her daughter's racy photo published as a senior picture in a school yearbook. If Miss Spies is grown up enough to insist on her getting her way in this case, then perhaps it's time to let her take on the establishment on her own as well. It's ironic that the girl in the grown-up photo still needs mom to hold her hand when it comes time to fight to have it published.

December 30, 2011

I wrote a blog a bit ago on my site about kids and dating, raising teens, etc. There have been a few books that I have been reading lately on the subject. I just finished The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon by David Elkind, Ph.D. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It was extremely illuminating.

After much thought and consideration my husband and I have made the decision to help our kids wait to date until they are much older....old enough to consider marriage.

This position is obviously going to come under attack, but I don't see the harm in waiting and nobody is squelching anyone's feelings. People's feelings come and go all of the time....for example, you can have a crush on your dentist, but that doesn't mean you act on it. Self-control is a virtue.

There have been some negative reactions to my blog post. People feel that we might be damaging our children in the long run by encouraging them to wait.

I'd love to hear your (respectful) thoughts on the subject. Debate is good. Attacking and insulting people is not good. Let's keep it decent.

December 24, 2011

I recently read a charming little post, the reflections of a new mom (new mom to her 9th child!!) on what a baby can do! I particularly liked this paragraph:

I’m walking down the aisle in Walmart, and here comes a wave of teenage girls, with hard mouths and stick thin legs, ironed hair, nasty, razor-slashed clothing, eyes blackened with enough eyeliner to make a raccoon gasp in shame. They strut forward in a loud and arrogant swarm. Once they’re close enough to glimpse the top of my newborn baby’s feathery little head, and they all . . . collapse. They absolutely collapse and turn to helpless, gibbering, cooing froth, utterly powerless before a bundle of pink the size of a small loaf of bread. Phew! Western civilization isn’t over yet: girls still like babies.

October 25, 2011

I have been on a spiritual odyssey lately and part of my wanderings led me to a website by Isabel, also known as "Quaker Jane." In a particularly stirring account of being led to Plain Dress almost in spite of herself, she writes about how she began her shift to plain dress through "a particular style of bonnet":

After several months of Googling thousands of pages deep for the word "bonnet," I found what I was looking for on a website about "prayer coverings." This discovery was quite disturbing to my feminist mind. And yet, I would wake up in the middle of the night and go to the website and moon over the bonnet. I felt possessed. I finally bought the black bonnet and a white cap, put them in the closet and breathed a sigh of relief.

The way she describes this process is almost as if she were being "wooed" by the bonnet, this idea of the bonnet and what it represented, and she didn't stop until she found her way to a new religion and a new way of life.

Her story is rooted in a religious search, but I think there is something universal there -- the feeling of wanting more and of needing to distinguish oneself from the surrounding world. I wonder how many of us -- religious or not -- found our way to the modesty conversation for the same reasons.

September 07, 2011

After I read “Why Sex Ed Isn’t Working” a few weeks ago, I thought it might be helpful to share my perspective as a public school graduate who experienced comprehensive sex education (as opposed to abstinence-only sex ed).

I’m in college now, but my high school health class promoted abstinence while also teaching us about available birth control methods, their relative effectiveness, and how to use them safely. We also learned about the biology and stages of pregnancy, different types of STDs, and relationship skills to help us discuss our beliefs about sex and our sexual histories with partners.

While it’s possible that somewhere, some teacher is throwing condoms to kids like candy, in my experience that was not the case. A teacher who “shows [teens] how to have sex and lots of it with just a condom” would be a blatantly irresponsible educator.

Everything in my class was presented from a strictly medical standpoint, anatomical diagrams and all—it all sounded about as exciting as assembling a model airplane. Students wanted to hear erotic details even less than the teachers wanted to talk about them—that is to say, we would have rather gouged out our ears with our number two pencils. Personally, everything “graphic” that I’ve been exposed to has come courtesy of the media.

The school brought in a professional abstinence advocate to speak with us. He was funny and approachable—a far cry from my preconceived notions about the type of person who’d make abstinence education a career. As a teen who’d already decided to save sex for marriage, I really appreciated his insights, which reaffirmed my decision and assured me that I was not alone. A second guest speaker was a single mom in her 20s who had given birth while attending our high school. She spoke frankly and honestly about her experiences, and her perspective was invaluable.

This might be surprising, but I also really appreciated learning about contraception. After all, unless they are opposed to all forms of birth control (which is a separate topic), even people who wait for marriage will need this information eventually. Having learned about this in school as opposed to secondhand from friends or online, I know that my information is correct. I feel confident that I will be able to make informed decisions when my future husband and I plan our family. I’m fortunate to have access to other sources of information through my parents and my doctor, but other students aren’t so lucky, and their school may be the best source they have.

I agree that a teenager with a box of condoms he has no idea how to use is a health risk. So, in my opinion, is a teenager who has compiled his own version of “sex education” from his friends because his teachers are legally compelled to teach nothing but abstinence.

I agree very much that today’s society is oversexed. Too many teens (and tragically, younger children) have begun to equate sex with maturity and adulthood. It is up to teachers and caring parents to show them what adulthood really means: making informed and empowered decisions for our hearts and bodies, regardless of the pressures of our friends, our partners, or the media. I believe that this is our best chance at reducing the rates of teen pregnancy and STDs.

August 28, 2011

Recently I had a conversation with some friends online regarding the use, or disuse, of the slip. Remember those things? They were made of cotton or satin and were worn under dresses and skirts. Where I'm from they were pretty much mandatory, if memory serves me well.

So it got me to wondering: What ever happened to the slip?

According to my friends' responses, no one wears them anymore. One did say that she'd found a few for her daughters at a garage sale but she never wears one herself. They seemed almost incredulous when I pointed out that I always wear one.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned (very probable) or just uber self-conscious about these things, but I can't imagine wearing a dress or skirt, even a very long one, without a slip. For one thing, there's the risk of something being see-through, and while it might sound silly, on a breezey day a slip can help offer some reassurance that even if your dress or skirt does accindently blow upwards, you're still relatively covered.

Then there's the dreaded VPL.

Visible. Panty. Line.

This is the one I really hate. I simply can't stand the thought of having my under things making an appearance even when I've diligently tried to prevent it. Even loose fitting dresses and skirts will show a VPL when the cloth lays agains the body. Matte jersey is especially terrible in this way, although I love it for its comfort. Wearing a slip helps prevent this.

I know dresses and skirts aren't as popular for women and girls as they once were, but I guess I didn't realize how much the times have changed since I was a girl. I remember the girl's department at Sears always having a rack of girl's under things, including slips, in various colors and styles and lengths. Some had lace. Some had little rosettes stitched at the neckline. They were always pretty and soft and when I wore one I felt like I was really dressed up.

While it's certainly not the end all be all, I do feel bad that I can't offer my daughter this little bit piece of girlhood and in this way teach her how and why to practice modesty.

August 16, 2011

I've always been a huge advocate of teaching children the long term benefits of abstinence. The benefits are huge physically, emotionally and spiritually. It has always been a puzzlement to me as to why there is so much resistence in teaching our children about abstinence.

I came from a background where my parents drilled abstinence into me from a young age. I absolutely knew the consequences of sex before marriage, but my parents also taught me the beauty of waiting for my husband. Sex was something that I knew was in my future...it was something beautiful that I looked forward to sharing with the one person who would be my soulmate. It wasn't something to give to several people.

Waiting and anticipating sex certainly won't kill teens, but STD's, abortions and the like just might. Just think, teens have been waiting to have sex until marriage for thousands of years and they've done it with the help of their families and societies. Why, in this "enlightened" age, do we think that we can do it better by allowing them free reign in this area?

How stupid are we to think that we can show them how to have sex and lots of it with just a condom. Condoms don't work with irresposible teens. It's as simple as that. Our society is blind to teaching the hard facts that the consequences of pre-marital sex are huge and lifelong.

Who wants to be the parent of that 17 year old girl in the article who has 3 STD's and is pregnant? My children deserve the best and sex ed is certainly a far cry from the best.

August 11, 2011

According to this article on CNN, Hugh Hefner is claiming that his ex, Crystal Harris, lied about their sex life when she went on the Howard Stern show a few months ago. Now Hef has gone on record, also on Stern's show, to defend himself and his bedroom prowess.

In truth, I'm not even sure what the public is supposed to do with this information. Is there anyone who actually believes that Hefner still has the stamina of a 25 year old? I almost feel sorry for him because it seems he's the last one to be let in on the joke, you know the joke being him, an 80 something year old man who still believes his own hype and thinks everyone else does too. It's just pathetic. Of course he's made millions allowing and encouraging women to do the same to themselves for his benefit, so I guess I don't feel all that bad for him after all.

I also find it interesting that women are beginning to come out and say what's it's really like behind closed doors at the Playboy Mansion. I wonder if things have always been that way or if the younger women feel more free, or even enticed by publicity, to talk about it. There's definitely money and attention to be gained by spilling the beans about their experiences there, whether positive or negative, but I think it's also more safe and acceptable to speak out about the truth of what happens behind the scenes, too, nowadays.

I saw a show recently that featured a number of older women who had posed in the magazine back in the 70's and 80's gathered at a convention, signing autographs and talking with the public. They seemed to have a high regard for their experience with Playboy, which makes me wonder if things were different back then (not that it would change my opinion of the organization) or if they just put up with the same stuff and accepted it without complaining?