Recaps

Abby Lee Miller has taken the ALDC back to Los Angeles, which, for us dear viewers, means a week free from Candy Apples scripted craziness. That’s enough for me! It’s the little things. Last night’s episode of Dance Moms begins with the entire troupe in Lala Land, and Melissa brags that MacKenzie was chosen to go with Abby on a recent studio scouting expedition. All of the moms hope that this time on the West Coast will go much more smoothly than the last time. Jill reveals that Kendall wants to work on her music (she’s got the voice for it), and Abby has promised that she will focus on a music video for sweet Kendall. Of course, Jill knows not to rely on what has been said in the past.

At rehearsal, Abby is strangely chipper and excited for this week. Abby is ready to work on Kendall’s dancing, and Jill interrupts to remind her that she’s spread thin as far as contracts and deals go. Abby tersely reminds Jill that she’ll do her best. Holly understands Jill’s struggle (it’s real, y’all), and she apologizes in advance if Nia takes some time away to work on a music video courtesy of Aubrey O’Day. Abby is all kittens, rainbows, and unicorns about Nia’s opportunity, but she reminds her dancers that they have cell phones…if something comes up that she isn’t privy to, they should dial her immediately. Holly gets the message loud and clear, and Jill hopes the women’s relationship is on the mend.

Y’all, I just can’t help myself. Like Craig Conover is addicted to VIP status and Shepard “Shep” Rose is addicted to teeth whiting, I have a serious problem when it comes to saying no to Southern Charm.Cameran Eubanks is spot on with her assessments of things idiots and asshats, and it is fascinating to watch the drama play out between Thomas Ravenel and Kathryn Dennis on every episode knowing that we can catch the live show at any time on any given form of social media! Now, if only we could add some spice to the resident nice girl Landon Clements. Perhaps a seedy after hours encounter with Whitney Sudler-Smith? Nah, she’s far too sweet and likeable for that!

Last night’s episode returns on the heels of last week’s “to be continued” napkin-swatting, roof-raising cliffhanger. Kathryn storms out of Red Drum to Danni’s awaiting car as Thomas heads out to his Edisto plantation to relieve the nanny. The following morning, Craig is playing video games and sucking every last drop out of an Icee pop (breakfast of champions) while ignoring Cameran’s calls. Shep and Whitney are cleaning up after their wild party. Surprisingly (to me, at least), Shep isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty (although the stray boxers on the porch are a lot, even for him). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think Whitney would be quick to play maid…I just didn’t see either one of them lifting a finger to bring the cleanliness of the beach house back to status quo. Shep acknowledges that while he raised in a privileged manner, he still had to clean up his messes. He’s always wearing a Bert’s Market t-shirt which tells me he appreciates a 24-hour convenience store featuring any household item known to man and two crock pots…one full of chili and one full of hot dogs for the best post-Budweiser fueled beach day snack imaginable. Whitney is likely wearing something from Kanye West’s latest collection, but he’s wearing it to be ironic.

Last night was the first part of the Love & Hip Hop reunion, and Mona Scott Young has given up her throne in favor of Nina Parker. Here’s hoping she’s able to bring out the dirt without inciting anyone to physically injure any of their co-stars. I’m not counting on it! Per the usual, it’s a lot of fake hair and dresses for which I would have given my right arm to wear to my junior prom back in the mid-90’s. There have been so many random characters who have appeared this season for no reason, the VH1 crew was probably hard-pressed to find a sofa that fit them all

Luckily, they are one person short, as Erica Menahas decided to forego the festivities. Ahhh, it seems Mona has scored the sit-down with the original franchise’s most volatile cast mate who claims she’s ready to start a new chapter in her life. Erica doesn’t want to risk a setback to her positive life changes, so she’s refusing to take part in the reunion. However, she’s happy to dress as if she’s ready to cut a bitch while wearing a cleavage-friendly sequined semi-formal. Erica believes she’s being very generous by letting Cyn, Rich Dollaz, and Chrissy Monroe have their time without her interrupting. After all, she is their story line. They can make up stories while she continues to prosper. Erica’s volatile relationship with Cyn is showcased, and there are some scenes I would have thought were from last season they took place so long ago. That’s a may be a sign the season played out a little longer than necessary.

OK, folks! In full disclosure, I am writing this Blood, Sweat, and Heels recap after sweating and slogging around Disney World all day with my family, so I may be a little slow on the uptake. (Actually it’s been a blast and I have mad respect for all of the parents who’ve gone before me running the Mickey gauntlet.) I’ve got three full cups of coffee in my system now and am ready to roll – so, here we go!

We pick up with Melyssa Ford rehearsing for her soon-to-debut musical/comedy “For Vixens Who’ve Considered Homicide When the Video Was Too Much.” So, it’s catchy then! Melissa says she creates high pressure situations for herself so she can squeeze diamonds out. She’s looking to spoof the industry that’s defined her for so long – the music industry that made her, that is. She takes the stage to rehearse her lines and it seems as if she needs a BIT more work before opening day. Melyssa interviews that she wants to be more than a video vixen has been – she wants to be a professional, uh, professional. She can’t think of an exact title yet, so step off people!

The girls are still in Manila at the uber 5-star peace and progress drama rehab. It’s minutes before they’re supposed to check out but Kenya is still soaking up that last 5 minutes of attention whoring (see what I did there?! LOL) by wandering around the pool in a bikini showing her butt crack to maximum Maxim. What was it Krayonce was screaming about coochie and butt crack? Anyway — that’s all in the past – she wants us to conveniently forget all of her past indiscretions. Hey I will, I want to, let’s move ON! However, if Kenya wants to show Porsha Williams that while she is the one dressed like a THOT on instagram, Kenya was a THOT of the oldschool on such magazines as STUFF and FHM, I’ll go along.

Kenya twirls back to her suite, escorting Claudia Jordan and Cynthia Bailey, the smoke in her tilt-a-twirl’s line of fire. There they discuss the marvel of Phaedra finally talking to Kenya! Claudia secret-smiles over how amazing she is for bringing peace to the group, then our simpering sycophant tells Kenya how much she deserves the apology for all she has put-up with. OK, seriously?

Lila comes to visit Kristin at home to apologize for telling Elena Gant (from Little Women: L.A.) about Kristin’s divorce. Elena’s rude behavior (whether scripted or not) drove a wedge between Lila – who gave Elena her intel – and almost every other woman at dinner last episode. Bearing flowers, Lila asks Kristin how she’s feeling. Kristin thinks Lila can’t just show up at her door and conveniently be BFFs again. Lila defends Elena’s behavior, saying she didn’t know Elena was a “loose cannon.” Neither did we. Which was why the entire debacle was just plain weird. Kristin reluctantly accepts Lila’s apology because she knows she’s fragile and trying to stay sober. Kristin invites Lila to her and Misty’s housewarming party later.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bullying Brandi, but here’s the thing: if she would just own maybe a smidgen of her behavior or actions (and apologize without conditions) I think it would go a long way in everyone believing that she has a good heart, is good a mother, and is a person who at least on occasion behaves like an adult. Instead Brandi resorts to accusing Lisa Vanderpump(who can’t even be bothered to put out for Ken more than twice a year) of being desperate for the 23-year-old manwand of her son’s childhood bestie. This is because LVP called Brandi out for being too drunk too f–k her Amsterdam-ian fling (according to Andre, who unfortunately was not Skyped during the reunion!)

Thanks for tuning in to episode 1,000,314 of this season’s Dance Moms. You, like myself, must be a total glutton for punishment! Abby Lee Miller was up to her old tricks again, although this time she wasn’t yelling. Instead she was incessantly praising her star Maddie. Don’t get me wrong, I think Maddie is ridiculously talented and it’s not her fault her teacher alienates her with favoritism. However, it was a bit odd given that Maddie wasn’t present on last night’s episode to receive said praise. After a successful competition last week, the girls are missing Maddie who is performing on SNL with Sia. Melissa hates that she isn’t in New York with her daughter but she has to be there to support her other daughter…what’s her name? Oh, yeah, MacKenzie. I may just call her Maddie’s sister to make it easier. After all, that seems to be how everyone else refers to her.

Abby congratulates the team on a clean sweep and cites that it’s quite a big deal she’s chosen to be in Philly with them instead of in the Big Apple with Maddie. Jessalyn is excited to be returning to LA in a week now that JoJo has a team jacket. What a tease! The previews insinuated they were heading back to L.A. this week! How long are they trying to make this season? Is it lasting until 2018? Abby reminds her team that they are pretty much nothing without Maddie, but she’ll be interested to see how they fare in Maddie’s absence. She’s guessing not very well…