Drunken Guest Editorial: Armand K

Here at Tap, we occasionally are honored by guest editorials – from game industry celebrities, from people who are awesome, from others. This one falls into the latter category.

You all know Armand K, one of our regulars, and a writer for Alliance of Awesome fellow BnB Gaming. No one really likes Armand; we sort of tolerate him. His drinking problem and general bad manners have caused more than one Tapper to grit their teeth and swallow the bilious comment they might otherwise employ.

Armand was a little drunk, I guess, when he wrote – without being asked – this piece for Tap. He makes some claims here that are not just spurious (and meanspirited) but, frankly, actionable… but we don’t edit our guest editorials here, even if those editorials are unsolicited, hurtful, and incoherent.

Just know, Armand, we love you… and we will be here for you after you get out of rehab.

Damn You Steerpike!

Or How I was Bullied into Writing Something for Tap-Repeatedly, the best site ever

Matt recently informed me that I owed him $7 and some odd change (forty-two cents —S). That’s Matt “Steerpike” Sakey, the witty, dreamy, and unbelievably cool head-honcho here at Tap-Repeatedly. I didn’t remember any financial dealings with Mr. Sakey, so I figured he must be pulling my leg.

“Why do I owe you $8?” I asked him, playing along with his joke (which was funny, even though I didn’t understand his higher-level humor).

“You made me buy Terraria,” he told me. “You owe me money. Pay up!”

Now, I’ve been known to share the good word about the games I enjoy with my friends. Often my unquenchable enthusiasm for gaming has meant my buddies have to listen to me rant about the many virtues of whatever I happen to be playing at that time. From time to time I even kill their pets if they don’t buy the games I recommend. But I didn’t remember encouraging Matt to pick up Terraria. In fact, I had, up to that point, never even mentioned this great game to him. (Untrue. Armand had recently texted me – twice – saying “Dude, have you gotten Terraria? It’s awesome at any price!” —S)

“What do you mean?” I asked him, racking my brains in the same way the kidnapped hooker is racked in my basement torture chamber, trying to recall any memory of his allegations. (I’d just like to point out that memory loss is a common symptom of gross alcohol abuse. —S)

“You MADE me buy Terraria, so now pay up,” he demanded in his brutish manner. (At this point I feel compelled to add a point Armand missed: shortly before this conversation, he threatened to kill my family if I didn’t buy Terraria. When I told him I didn’t respond to threats, he went into agonizing detail about his plans, going so far as to post pictures of himself, carrying axes and ropes – the tools of murder – on Facebook. These photos are now gone, naturally, but I love my family and gave in to his demands. —S)

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve never even mentioned the game to you!” I protested. (This is not true. —S) Alas, these protests fell upon deaf ears, for since then, every time I spoke to Matt he demanded “his” money. (This is because it is my money. Not only did he threaten my family in order to force me into an unnecessary purchase, it went on sale mere days later for $7.42 less than I had paid. Hence the owing. —S)

And this has become worrying, because I’m now playing a really fun rogue-like called Dungeons of Dredmor. Only whenever I play, I can feel him watching me. Matt “Steerpike” Sakey, sitting at his computer, watching me “in-game” playing DoD, one finger on his mouse button, cursor levitating above the “buy now” button of the Steam store. I imagine sooner or later this will be too much, and his need for a quality dungeon crawl will overpower his fragile willpower, and suddenly I’ll owe him another $4.49 (yeah, the game is THAT cheap! Why haven’t you bought it yet? It’s great!). (This also is not true. A mere glance at my Steam games list will show that I owned Dungeons of Dredmor well before Armand; indeed, I recommended it to him – gently, and without threats. —S)

This image has been tarnishing my gaming experience, and in my need to find closure, to end this extortion of my much limited funds, I went to the Tap-Repeatedly forums, otherwise known as the FFC Memorial Lounge & Bordello (you should check it out if you’ve never been, a swell group of people, all very friendly!). I went there to post a comment explaining this whole situation to the people at Tap-Repeatedly, and to beg Steerpike to let me be! To let me enjoy gaming again! (Again, a coloring of the truth. I never made any effort to prevent Armand from enjoying gaming. All I have ever done has been in friendship. —S)

But what did I find? All my topic posting privileges: revoked! I demanded an explanation form Matt, who denied responsibility (I am not responsible. —S) and claimed to be doing everything in his power to restore my forum abilities (I am. —S). His real motive became clear soon after however, as he suggested the only way he could see to give me forum posting powers again would be to grant me administrative access, which he explained meant I’d have to write articles and anecdotes for Tap-Repeatedly. (Armand, we like you here, but sometimes your delusions get a little out of control. There is no evidence that I ever suggested such a thing. I find your writing pedantic and, frankly, mediocre; suitable perhaps for fellow Alliance of Awesome member Bits ‘n Bytes Gaming, but for Tap-Repeatedly? Don’t be offended, but we only take the best. Do you have a sister? —S)

“But I already write for the excellent gaming site bnbgaming.com,” I pleaded. “How could I write for two sites!” (Please note the punctuation error here: clearly the sentence should have ended with both the exclamation point and a question mark. Again, evidence that while Armand is well-meaning, his overall quality is insufficient for the hallowed perfection of Tap-Repeatedly. —S)

“There is no other way,” he told me coldly (I was not cold. —S), and left me alone to wallow in my forum-emasculated (his word, not mine) (Once more, not true – after a short exchange about his problem with the forum he emailed me a horrifying series of photographs, each message bearing the subject line: EMASCULATED! —S) status. Not before informing me however that “Not only will you be unable to post new subjects, but you can’t even respond to existing posts!” The sound of maniacal laughter echoed through my ears, despite the vast distance between us. (I did laugh a little, but not maniacally, and certainly not about the emasculation – I was watching How I Met Your Mother reruns. They’re funny, what can I say? —S)

He’d won. His master plan had come to fruition, and I was forced to draft up this document you now read, promising my eternal devotion to his website, only so I could continue commenting on the forums.

Damn you Steerpike. Damn you!

Armand would like to inform everyone that he will still be primarily writing for Bits ‘n’ Bytes Gaming (BnB), and only occasionally submit articles to Tap-Repeatedly. Armand would particularly like this message to be read by Martin Watts, his editor at BnB, and make it clear that he IS NOT leaving BnB, and will continue to supply award-winning (some day) articles to BnB. Damn you Steerpike.

As you will undoubtedly gather from the above, Armand needs help. The Tap family extends its love and thoughts to the BnB family, and of course to Armand himself. Armand, should you find the strength to correct your delusions and control your obviously quite serious drinking problem, know that you’ll always have friends at this site. You’re probably fired from BnB though. I’ll talk to Marty, but you know how that guy can be.

He does need help, the poor guy. There I was trying to fix his problem and I casually mentioned that the easiest way would be to grant him moderator access. To which I jokingly said, “Of course, you’d have to write for Tap!” Now look at what’s happened!

Gregg B07/16/2011

So that’s why he sounds so rough on Skype. I thought it was his mic.

Armand07/16/2011

He edited the whole thing. I didn’t say anything about his coolness. The jerk!

first of all well done to Matt S on the very subtle but effective editing. i nearly died several times during reading due to excessive laughter.

secondly i would like to ask Armand how much he is receiving in way of subsidies from Steam for the millons of recommendations he makes and yes puts a little pressure on people also to get the games.
i say this on the back of purchesing yet another game only last night due to Armand’s constant pestering. he was that good that he even got gregg to buy 2 copies of the same game lol