My boyfriend of 7 months had been deceiving me. I stumbled across an IM conversation between him and a friend of his at work that was talking about him going to a strip club and rubbing lotion all over some girls body and rushing home to shower and get the scent off before I got home. At the time I was driving 7 hours to come spend the weekend with him (we were living in different cities at the time). Is this acceptable behavior? I understand the point of guys going to strip clubs.. but why the hell do they have to touch? And most importantly, why do they lie about it? I had to stumble across this to find out, and it happened over a month ago. Should I forgive him?

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10-28-2003, 12:49 PM

#2

MJK98

Senior Member

Join Date: Sep 2003

Posts: 172

well i would discuss this with him and explain how you feel and see if he understands where you are coming from but its not worth breaking a relationship over
i dont know what kind of a club he goes too that you can touch most of them don't allow that so you need to find out what it is he is doing and tell him that it makes you lose respect for him
good luck

10-28-2003, 12:51 PM

#3

daylight568

Senior Veteran

(female)

Join Date: Jun 2002

Posts: 1,589

no, dump him.

10-28-2003, 01:13 PM

#4

atlantalady

Senior Member

Join Date: Oct 2003

Location: Atlanta GA

Posts: 112

Hi Nicole,

First, if you bring it up to him, he's going to give you the third degree about how you stumbled across an IM. Even if the subject of discussion is the strip clubs, he'll shift it more than likely to you snooping at his stuff. Not that you were snooping, but I'm sure he'll try to shift the focus on that.

Secondly, I am totally against the strip clubs. I wouldn't accept it. I used to feel differently about this, but I'm 38 now and lived life longer to see that I'm not the type of person that is willing to accept my husband frequenting these type of places. If he's there rubbing lotion on someone else, let's face it, he's probably getting very excited (he's a man)...and I'm sure he was showering to clean more than the lotion. That in itself would upset me! Obviously, if he didn't come out and tell you about the night out w/the boys he felt that you wouldn't approve...otherwise, why not mention it to you if it was no big deal...this is what I'd say to him.

I don't think I'd dump him for this. I'd express my feelings and not being comfortable w/it and talk about how important honesty and trust is for you. He may apologize and tell you he won't do it anymore. Keep us posted! Good luck.

10-28-2003, 01:55 PM

#5

DonutsNCoffee

Senior Veteran

Join Date: Jan 2003

Posts: 981

No this is not acceptable behavior. I'm a guy and if I were seeing someone, I would not be going to strip clubs at all. I'll never understand why women forgive something like this. You have every right to be offended. There's no excuse for going to a strip club and touching another woman if you're seeing someone already. Dump him.

10-28-2003, 02:55 PM

#6

mary2468

Senior Member

Join Date: Oct 2003

Posts: 111

no, its not acceptable. but you just have to decide if you want to give him an ultimatum about the strip clubs, or just get rid of him. if you want to stay w/ him, id definately have a serious talk about the situation and how it makes you uncomfortable. but...it seems like you can take the man out of the strip club, but you cant take the strip club-lovin out of the man.

Why do men touch? Because they like to feel up pretty young women, that is why! It gives them a sexual rush. It is a fun thing to do with guys.

Why do they lie about it to wives and girlfriends? Duh! Because they will get yelled at and possibly dumped. Most men with wives and gfs who visit these places are not wanting to end their relationship, they are just looking for some brief fun that appeals to their primative side.

Should you forgive him? Yes - at least this time. You should discuss this with him and find out if he expects to continue with this or this was just a one-time thing. You may set down some rules....he can go every so often, but no touching, which is more than reasonable. You can also restrict what he spends there (i.e. he really should be saving those dollars or spending them on you) and, if the relationship continues, to demand that he stop going, period. Attending those places is a bit immature, though going occasionally may actually be healthy (a statement I might get flammed for).

I suggest you not try to be too restrictive. Often, a man who is told not to do something will find a way to do it, whereas one who is left with some degree of decision making may actually feel a bit guilty about doing it. I mean, if you threaten him, he may actually go when you are out of town just to spite you and to show that you cannot fully control him. He may even come to enjoy this little exercise of power. If instead, you tell him he can go when you are out of town or out with your friends, then he may soon tire of it and stay home.

10-28-2003, 03:26 PM

#8

HoosierBj

Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2002

Posts: 1,032

Maybe this is a dumb question, but did you and your boyfriend have a verbal conversation about being faithful to each other outside of marriage?
Some guys consider themselves to be dating and not exclusive unless they are married or engaged.

If you two DID have that conversation then the touching part with lotion was waaaaay over the line.
My jury is still out on the whole strip club scene. If it is a regular thing I'd wonder what the guy gets out of going. If it's a once in awhile thing with a bunch of guys then I just think "bunch of cavemen"...

10-28-2003, 03:31 PM

#9

nicolefsu

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2003

Location: tallahassee, fl

Posts: 3

Ok... we are in a very serious relationship and are (were)even planning on getting engaged soon. I have never not allowed him to do things, I just have always asked him to be honest and respectful. I wouldn't be so upset if he just went out with his friends to have a good time (if he would have told me), but he crossed the line when he touched a naked woman and when he bragged about getting away with it to his friend. I love him and I want to work through this, but I just don't know if I can trust him. Like, what else has he lied to me about?

10-28-2003, 04:03 PM

#10

serenityelf

Senior Member

Join Date: Sep 2003

Location: Canada

Posts: 213

I have just one question -- When you are no longer just dating and he is no longer on his very best behaviour and he's been with you awhile perhaps needing some new excitement, what else will he brag to his friends about that he got away with? Food for thought!

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10-28-2003, 07:27 PM

#11

Magnetic

Senior Veteran

(male)

Join Date: May 2003

Location: Florida

Posts: 3,169

Guys speaking with guys will say things that they never would reveal to their woman. Again, it is that "cave man" thing and while it may be immature, it is still something that happens a lot and it not necessarily a bad thing. If he is otherwise a loving, respectful man, give him a break.

10-28-2003, 08:58 PM

#12

serenityelf

Senior Member

Join Date: Sep 2003

Location: Canada

Posts: 213

Magnetic
ROFL...If he is an otherwise respectful man..What?..he rubbed oil and felt up another woman. Yes, that's really respectful. I guess we have significantly different definitions.

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Courage is not the absence of fear; it's moving forward despite it.

Last edited by serenityelf; 11-04-2003 at 08:24 AM.

10-28-2003, 09:00 PM

#13

bigbride

Junior Member

Join Date: Oct 2003

Location: Burlington, VT U.S.A

Posts: 48

You know what?

My fiance goes to his friends bachelor parties and comes home and tells me when there were strippers there-so I don't care, he's honest.

He doesn't particularly like it but it's par for the course it seems, at some all male events.

For the record, he has requested from his best man that they have a casino night for him instead of strippers at his bachelor party since he's not comfortable with them..

So my response would have to be NO, it's NOT really all that normal, not ALL guys do it, to impress their friends or otherwise.

Don't just dump him, level with him-be honest, talk to him and find out whats going on and PLEASE don't take something like peer pressure as an excuse. He's a man so let him act like one and take responsibility for his actions!

10-29-2003, 05:10 AM

#14

devastated

Senior Veteran

Join Date: Nov 2002

Location: USA

Posts: 1,071

Like another poster said previously, I wonder what club he went to.....I have gone many times to different clubs with my boyfriend, and all the ones I have ever been to have a strict no touching policy. Even during lap dances, the person getting the lap dance is not allowed to touch the girl, at least where I have been.....maybe the not so "high class" clubs allow that, I dunno. Anyways, I definately don't mind my boyfriend going to stripclubs, although it would bother me it he did it on a regular basis instead of just once in a while, and if he spent tons of money there, like some of our friends do.....and I would definately be upset if he rubbed oil on one of the girls. However, I don't think this one time is something to break up with him over. You should definately talk about it with him though, let him know what you are comfortable with, and what you aren't. I know it does make it even worse that he was bragging about it, that would really tick me off too, but, then again, that's what guys do, you know? They like to brag about that stuff, it makes them feel like a bigger man to brag about it to their friends. I wish you luck.

10-29-2003, 06:27 AM

#15

mouse62

Inactive

Join Date: Oct 2003

Posts: 530

I don't know, how would he feel if you had some cute guy massaging you? Unfortunately, I've had some great massages but the masseuses were all women and I think once a gay man was on staff -- but this would be the equivalent, I think, women are more tactile than visual so maybe you can go have some of your own fun. Wish I knew a gorgeous male masseuse I could recommend!!!!