THE PRIME MINITER HAS CALLED on Opposition leader Bill Shorten to stop being such a difficult c–t and help him get the controversial same-sex marriage plebiscite through parliament this week.

Speaking today from the National Press Club bar, Malcolm Turnbull has hinted that the Labor Party has been deliberately obtuse with him regarding the plebiscite, which sparked his rash comment earlier this afternoon.

“I mean, fuck me. You try being in my position,” said the PM.

“You’ve got half of my own party wanting to knock me off, the other half eyeing off my office and now I’ve got every man and his bleeding heart trying to shoot down the only progressive thing I’ve been able to muster out of this mess,”

“If Bill could do me this solid, it’d be all-time. It’d get through no problem. He’s lucky because he doesn’t have all these fucking Jesus freaks in his party. I’d kill to have some normal kents like Albo or Tanya. But no, I’ve got peanuts and perverts. But if I can get this through, I’m laughing.”

Mr Turnbull’s media advisor then located him and promptly ushered him away through the kitchen before pleading with the media not to publish anything he said. As The Advocate‘s owners are Chinese, we aren’t bound by any under-the-table handshakes or clandestine agreements.