Manners for the Masses: Wedding Etiquette

We’re all smiling on the outside, raging on the inside.

Labor Day has come and gone, meaning wearing white is a faux pas. Too bad this doesn’t put a stop to the weddings. While official wedding season is over, there are more around the corner. Here are some reminders on how to not be a jerk.

For Those Hosting the Wedding:

If you aren’t inviting someone to your wedding, don’t invite them to anything else.

First of all, they don’t want to attend. Don’t invite people to your engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. if they are not invited to the wedding. It basically sends the message that you don’t care about them enough to buy them a salmon dinner and a glass of champagne, but you want a gift. So not cool. So tacky.

Don’t invite more people than you have seats.

I get it. You have no idea how many people are actually going to come even when you ask for RSVPs, but a general rule in life is, don’t invite more people than you can accommodate. If you only have seats for 90, guess what, don’t send 130 invitations.

The only acceptable day of the week to have a wedding is Saturday. And don’t even touch holidays– even Flag Day is off limits.

Yes. It is cheaper to get married on Fridays or Sundays. Everyone knows that, but your guests do not care. Most people attend a zillion weddings in their lives, forcing someone to take time off work to attend yours pretty much means that you will be getting a majorly sub-par gift. Or they won’t attend at all. Which is probably fine with all parties concerned.

Save-the-dates and physical invitations are not just a silly tradition, they actually serve a purpose.

If you want people to actually come to your wedding, you need to give them sufficient notice. Save-the-dates are to be sent nine to six months in advance. Invitations are sent no later than six weeks in advance. And in case you really don’t know, evites, emails, and Facebook invitations are just insulting and pretty much don’t count at all.

If you are inviting single people- give them a plus-one. In writing.

Would you want to go to a wedding by yourself? Of course not. When you don’t give a non-married person a plus-one, you’re basically telling them that they don’t count and you don’t care if they attend at all. But, you want a gift so you invited them. I know you don’t want to pay for a meal for someone that you don’t know, but would you rather be the tacky, cheap jerk that doesn’t allow plus-ones at your wedding?

DO. NOT. ASK. FOR. MONEY.

I don’t care if you are a gazillionaire and spend your time trying to decide how many miniature ponies will balance out your landscaping, it’s still tacky as all hell to ask for money. Register for another miniature pony if you have to. Anything is better than asking for money.

Hire a staff. Your guests are not there to setup or cleanup your wedding.

Listen, a-hole. I bought you an engagement gift and a bridal shower gift, spent a shit ton of money on your bachelorette party, bought a dress to wear to your wedding, and bought you a pretty damn expensive wedding gift… do you really think I still owe you?!

When you invite people to your wedding, that means they are guests. No one really wants to be there. They are only being polite and suffering though the ceremony and dinner to hopefully get a few drinks and peace out. Asking or expecting your guests to help setup or clean up YOUR wedding is pretty much treating like them like the staff you didn’t hire. Your guests have bothered to show up, bring you gifts, shower you with compliments, all the while wearing new dresses. They’re not your cleanup crew, too. For the love of all that is sacred, HIRE A STAFF.

Open bar is non-negotiable

The only reason anyone is coming is for the booze. The food is always terrible and who on earth wants to sit through another ceremony? At least give these people some free drinks. Paid bars are beyond tacky and dear God, if you even think about drink tickets, you may as well have a dry wedding.

If you don’t know any of these rules or don’t have someone in your immediate circle that does…. BUY A BOOK. Or read an article. Do SOMETHING.

There is no excuse to break wedding etiquette rules. Remember Emily Post? She has a whole book on wedding etiquette. If you think you may need to read something like that, you probably do. Buy it. Oh, and are you laughing it up right now, wedding guests? Don’t worry, we didn’t forget about you jerks, either.

For Wedding Guests:

RSVP – No one cares about your other plans.

If you can’t attend the wedding, say so. It’s not hard, just check the little box that says “unfortunately cannot attend,” send a gift and you’re done. Like magic. If you RSVP “yes,” guess what, you’re committed. And if you plan to come…

Be on time!

Actually, be early. Weddings and funerals are the two social events that start on time and where it’s extremely rude to be late. If it is a proper wedding, you’ve known about it for months. Get your sh*t together and be there early.

If you don’t attend the wedding, you still send a gift.

I know, I know, you didn’t get your plate of rubber chicken and overcooked vegetables in exchange for a gift, but you still need to send one if you don’t attend the wedding. It is common courtesy and polite. Do you want to be the tacky? I think not.

If you don’t get a plus-one written on the invitation, you don’t get to bring one.

We know it’s rude as all hell if you weren’t given a plus-one as an unmarried person, but it doesn’t matter. You still can’t bring one if you didn’t get one. That would be even ruder. So decline the invitation and send a gift, or go drink their free booze and meet someone else.

Seriously, do not wear white. Or jeans.

This isn’t one of those “rules that are meant to be broken.” If the bride has decided to have a giant wedding with a giant white dress, you can generally assume that it is special for her. Just let her have her day and let her be the only one wearing white. Also, in case you were unaware, jeans are also totally inappropriate wedding attire. At least make the effort to wear a dress or dress pants.

Put your phone away.

There is nothing more annoying than 100 wedding guests watching the bride walking down the aisle through their phones and like amateur filmmakers. Instead of, oh I don’t know, actually watching and enjoying the moment.

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