"You know," he remarks, "you're the only one I know who buys this stuff who's not a 'fella' (gay).""Yeah, I figured as much."

I walked out of Home of the Hits knowing that I was the only straight man in the Greater Buffalo Metropolitan Area with the entire Madonna catalogue.

I don't know why, when or how I earned this distinction, but I don't mind it. It got to the point where I'd buy those sh*tty bootleg European singles from the used bin, prompting my friend Marcel to chide, "I can't believe you just spent $4 on a crappy CD just to get another picture of Madonna."

I'll admit, I probably gave the crappy CD one listen, but I think deep down I only got it because of the Beercan's remark - that, and the fact that I'm kind of a completist when it comes to music. In other words, I have to own all the albums of bands I really like.

I found out I'm not alone. Months later, Midge came up in a conversation where my friend Clark admitted that he was also quite the fan. This was rather surprising, since Clark was a fixture in several garage-y type Buffalo bands like the Splat Cats and Doombuggy. He and his wife Tina mentioned that they belong to the "M.U.D. Club."

It's easy to love Midge, just as it is, apparently, to hold her in disdain. She's brash, has a big ego, likes to push people's buttons, shows them big ol' Madonna t*tties proudly and adopts African kids.

Frankly I could give a flying rat f*ck who she adopts or why. Hell. Some kid growing up in a sh*thole essentially just won the lottery. I'd feel bad for him if he had to grow up with Oprah or Mia Farrow or something.

The music? Yeah, there's the occasional clunker, but on the whole... sh*t. She's been around for twenty years for a reason. When the Club Karaoke was the hot-spot for us, yours truly regularly warbled selections from Midge's works, like La Isla Bonita and Borderline -- much to the amusement of my friends and the chagrin of the emcee.

"Um, Prego... perhaps next time you can pick something in your vocal range."

Here is a small selection of some of the rarer tracks along with Crazy for You. I had to include that one, because honestly I think that's where it began. Watching the classic Matthew Modine film Vision Quest, I caught a glimpse of Madonna briefly on screen - 'it' shifted in my underwear while I thought, "Who's that?"

Enjoy. Perhaps Clark and Tina's M.U.D. Club will gain some new membership.

Madonna is known as 'Midge'??Regarding the completist thing, I am a recovering one. Sometimes that one last god-awful album by a once proud band is enough to snap a consumer to his senses. I feel like I might fall of the wagon at any moment though.