Thursday, November 08, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Athens erupted into violent riots during an austerity vote. The only good thing in a region with 25% unemployment is that cleaning up all the damage will bring the area the first jobs it has seen in years.

California voters have weakened the state’s “3 Strikes And You’re Out” law. The news was a letdown for Dodger hitters then they found out the law has nothing to do with them.

L.A. County voters have mandated that condoms be worn in the making of all porn movies. Which means that instead of at the end of a scene, the beginning will start out with the director yelling “That’s a wrap!”

Egypt’s top prosecutor has ordered a ban on all online porn. In fact, he’s still looking for the person responsible for all those naked hieroglyphic drawings on the Pyramids.

California voters have retained the state’s death penalty despite the high costs. Mostly because Dodger fans think that there must be something Frank McCourt has done that makes him eligible for the gas chamber.

California voters have retained the state’s death penalty despite the high costs. What costs so much is that in California an 8‘x10’ cell listed as a “furnished studio in a very secure area” and goes for $2,500 a month.

Pot advocates in British Columbia want to follow the lead of Washington State and legalize marijuana. Apparently you can drink beer just for so many years before you need to look for some other kind of buzz.

A majority of Puerto Ricans have voted for the first time to endorse becoming the 51st state. That could cause problems. If Republicans had major problems with a Hawaiian running for President, just think what it will be like when the first Puerto Rican tries to run.

A majority of Puerto Ricans have voted for the first time to endorse becoming the 51st state. People who aren’t sure they want a 51st state are asking if we can just trade them straight across for Mississippi.

A majority of Puerto Ricans have voted for the first time to endorse becoming the 51st state. To which northern Mexicans are saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

A majority of Puerto Ricans have voted for the first time to endorse becoming the 51st state. To which most Puerto Ricans already thought Spanish Harlem was the 51st state.

A South Carolina man is selling donuts to pay for his prosthetic legs. Unfortunately the people who are buying all the donuts will have to sell even more donuts to pay for their heart surgery.

Used car prices are rising as 250,000 cars were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. That’s almost as many cars that are destroyed in the Lincoln Tunnel every day during rush hour.

Smith & Wesson stock went up after President Obama won reelection as people are worried their guns will be taken from them. The President immediately claimed that his second term was already pushing the stock market even higher.

Taco Bell is expanding its dessert menu. Which in turn will even further expand the waistlines of all their customers.

Californians have approved a massive tax hike for the wealthy. In California, the wealthy are defined as anyone who still has a job, home or car.

The porn industry has threatened to leave Los Angeles in the wake of a new law mandating condoms on porn sets. The only problem will be finding an area with as many pool boys and pizza deliverers to play the extras in all their movies.

Boeing has cut 30% of its defense executives in advance of expectations of large defense cuts under the Obama Administration. The sad part is that there was some confusion where the executives thought they were getting a trip to Bombay, when in reality they were being told they were being loaded into the corporate jet’s bomb bay.

Boeing has cut 30% of its defense executives in advance of expectations of large defense cuts under the Obama Administration. They brought in Donald Trump to give them the news, only instead of saying “You’re Fired!” his catch phrase was “Bombs Away!”

Economic leaders are saying the European recession was worse than expected. But then, who would have expected anything to be this messed up?

CBS’ profit was up 16% in the third quarter. Apparently that was during the time Hurricane Sandy knocked all the CBS affiliates off the air except for their test pattern.

An Irish study explains instant attraction between two people. Unfortunately for the Irish it had nothing to do with being a hot tempered redhead who is sloppy drunk.

An Irish study explains instant attraction between two people. Is that a secret? How about starting out looking like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

A study says that meth may fight the flu virus. Why not? After it kills every other cell in your body what is standing in its way?

A study says that young women like to work out near flabbier people at the gym. And all this time I thought they were gathered around me because they thought I was hot...

A study says that young women like to work out near flabbier people at the gym. Sort of like how they try to go with an ugly girl when they are out clubbing.

A study says that young women like to work out near flabbier people at the gym. Mostly because 95% of the people at the gym are flabby.

A report says the EU is considering banning allergens found in Chanel #5. Which is great news for every man who can now tell his wife “I was going to buy you that expensive Chanel #5 but they just took it off the market...”

Election night TV ratings were down from 2008. Apparently people are already done with the rerun season.

Lady Gaga has donated $1 Million to the Red Cross to help storm struck areas in New York and New Jersey. She is even having her meat dress freeze dried to be served as jerky to the cleanup crews.

Mark McGwire has been hired as the new Dodger hitting coach. Fans were excited. No one even knew the Dodgers had ever tried a hitting coach before.

Mark McGwire has been hired as the new Dodger hitting coach. Now that he is off the steroids he is pretty much only good at teaching them how to bunt.

MasterCard has rolled out a new credit card with a display and keypad. Apparently it can instantly tell you after each purchase how many years it will take to climb out of debt.

Florida’s electoral votes have still not been handed out yet as the state is still counting ballots. They say they will finish up just as soon as they are done finalizing the 2000 results.

Snowboarder Shaun White is seeking treatment for alcoholism. Apparently the only flying tomato he has been seeing lately are the ones he is using in his Bloody Marys.

Pope Benedict XVI will join Twitter soon. Does he really need to do that? Doesn’t he already have more than a Billion followers as it is?

Pope Benedict XVI will join Twitter soon. Catholics around the world are looking forward to having benedictions cut down to 140 characters.

A study says that walking daily can add seven years to your life. Unless you live in Lindsay Lohan’s neighborhood.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am still glowing in the aftermath of the election. I supported President Obama, and if you didn’t well you can’t win ‘em all. But what you can do is make sure to send the love every day!