Wednesday, November 19, 2003

The Brownshirt Barbie

But wait! Now, by popular demand, there's the special Brownshirt Edition!

This incredibly lifelike stick-action figure looks just like the real-life anorexic Ann Coulter, and best of all . . . it sounds like Ann, too! [Though in reality we just went to the local methamphetamine-rehab center and found one of her many sound-alikes.]

Push the button on the figure, and you'll hear such "Coulterisms" as:

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

"We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too."

"They are either traitors or idiots, and on the matter of America’s self-preservation, the difference is irrelevant. Fifty years of treason hasn’t slowed them down."

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity."

"I thought I was here to talk about my book. I thought I was here to talk about my book. I thought I was here to talk about my book. I thought I was here to talk about my book. My book has 35 pages of footnotes!"

"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote."

"Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."

"My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that's because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism."

This highly disposable doll comes in a display box with information highlighting Ann's unique contributions to America's creeping fascism. It also features the lyrics to "The Horst Wessel Song," which plays whenever you raise her right arm in a salute.

Best of all, the new Brownshirt Edition features a lifelike vibrating feature that will bring hours of ecstacy, Ann-style, to her many female admirers. So don't forget to buy replacement batteries!

Sara Robinson has worked as an editor or columnist for several national magazines, on beats as varied as sports, travel, and the Olympics; and has contributed to over 80 computer games for EA, Lucasfilm, Disney, and many other companies. A native of California's High Sierra, she spent 20 years in Silicon Valley before moving to Vancouver, BC in 2004. She currently is pursuing an MS in Futures Studies at the University of Houston. You can reach her at srobinson@enginesofmischief.com.