Kirk Cameron is worried about where this country’s headed. Not only is our president a part-negroid socialist who burns bibles to keep pagan babies warm, hardly anyone came to Kirk’s birthday party (except Belinda- GO OUTSIDE BELINDA! Sandwiches aren’t for sinners! I heard you humming that Dixie Chicks song!). That’s why Kirk is on a journey through history to find out what made America great once. Specifically, he tours the alternate history version of the 80s as envisioned by Ronald Reagan fan-fiction, and the part of the Founding Father story that doesn’t mention that almost none of them were Christians. This journey is chronicled in Kirk’s new documentary, Monumental, the trailer for which you can watch below.

But who am I kidding? The real draw is Kirk Cameron and his incredible reaction shots. No one wordlessly conveys humility before Christ like Kirk Cameron. He should become the Andy Serkis of Christian movies, where WETA uses Kirk Cameron covered in performance-capture censors to imbue each performer with the spirit of Jesus. It’s just too bad those black tights are a sin. Not to mention pre-marital mo-cap.

“I went on a journey to retrace the journey of our forefathers, to see if they left us some kind of a map that would guide us back to the foundation of America’s success.”

Try 1945 Europe, when it was all bombed and burnt to shit and America was the lone remaining manufacturing power. Or to Teddy Roosevelt. He rode a moose once and it was totally badass.

“What I discovered is that our history has not just been forgotten, it’s been re-written.”

For instance, did you know that Ronald Reagan was an actor? Really, it’s true! He used to be in monkey movies, like Joey from Friends. There was this one, Bedtime for Bonzo. Apparently it was about a chimp who wouldn’t go to sleep. They couldn’t get him to go to sleep, so they called Ronald Reagan. And Ronald Reagan came and told the chimp, “Look, chimp, we both know that you are not my grandfather. But if we put aside our differences, together we can defeat communism. Those goddamned atheists will have to pry this banana from my cold, dead, intelligently-designed hand.”

Kirk Cameron is just doing all the founding fathers bullshit so he can validate his approval for slavery and so when he murders his Native American neighbor he can just say, “This is how the founding fathers would want it.”

I love how there seems to be some kind of remix to that dropkick murphys song from The Departed playing throughout the trailer. Nothing says god bless America like murdering people and snorting blow off a couple of whores.

“What I discovered is that our history has not just been forgotten, it’s been re-written, made into a six-inch turkey on wheat bread with provolone, toasted, topped with lettuce, tomato, bell peppers, black olives, spinach, banana peppers, and easy mayo-mustard. And Belinda can’t have a single bite of it. Where did we go wrong?”

This country was founded on the principal that all men were created equal and all should be treated the same. And it was a damned good system….
until all them blacks and Asians and Mexicans started showing up.

How lame is it that the American empire is about to collapse but you get none of the hedonistic perks that the Greeks and Romans had before everything went to hell? I can’t locate a single bath house/vomitorium on Google maps.

Europe ruled the world, and then became pussies. Hitler took advantage of that and wreaked havoc. The United States of America, founded almost entirely by Christians, saved their asses and now are the most powerful country the world has ever seen. Look it up.

Yeah, that was awesome the way Governor Daydrunk jabbed her finger in the president’s face, acted like a total bitch, and then ran to the Fox News cameras so assclowns like you could applaud her for acting like a total bitch.

Yeah that whole thing kinda came across like that kid in the neighborhood who is an only child and his mom is way too protective so any time he fucks up she goes on a rampage in all the other kid’s parent’s homes. Fucking Mrs. Doherty.

Oh, and hey, look at this — the other two people on the tarmac, a Republican mayor and a Democratic mayor — agree that Brewer’s story of how she had a brave, tense confrontation with the president was bullshit.

I really don’t get the Kirk Cameron hate. The dude is a christian who refuses to buy into the nihilistic, amoral hollywood lifestyle that so many others have. For that, dudes like Vince ridicule him for being a loser, dork, and religious fanatic.

Also, the Reagan bashing is just a desperate reach. You know what would be REALLY crazy, if you made fun of the sitting president, and all of the amazing material that represents. I can think of about 10 things off the top of my head that would be funnier than stale Reagan jokes.

Whatever though, I suppose alienating the christian and conservative people who decide to hit up the site on a regular basis is a great business model…I get it.

I can’t help but bash Reagan when I can’t turn on my fucking TV without everyone trying to tell me what a brilliant, freedom-fighting saint he was, when really he was just a guy who was pretty good at looking like a cowboy when the cameras were on. And I wouldn’t feel the need to point it out so often if the bullshit wasn’t so pervasive. Why the fuck was he even in this trailer, by the way? I thought this was a movie about the “founders of America,” who were all Christian, as long as you ignore Jefferson, Adams, Ben Franklin…

And yes, I’m always going to make fun of the guy who tells me evolution is false because his hand is so perfectly designed to eat monkey food. Don’t worry, I make fun of nihilistic, amoral Hollywood too. See pretty much every other post on this site. I try to call out bullshit. I feel like militant creationists and Reagan acolytes full under that mandate just as much as the PC fascist asswipes I usually complain about.

Well in Vancini’s defense, Christian conservatives do make everything less fun, they ruin every country they come into contact with, hide they bitter hatred and bigotry under the guise of being devout followers of the word of god, shove all their nonsense down everyone’s throat whether you agree with them or not, try to break down the church and state into a theocracy in which only Christians are the beneficiaries and they make lame and hokey entertainment for bland individuals whose taste is dictated by a committee of other bland individuals.

Most people who are truly “Christian” shouldn’t come here anyway. Too many naughty words and crazy secular opinions. No, seriously. I haven’t read the Bible a heck of a whole lot, but I don’t believe the Path of Christ goes through Uproxx.

And there’s nothing wrong with Reagan bashing. If Obama tried to pull now what Reagan got away with in the 80’s, people would storm the White House with pitchforks and shotguns.

Ronald Reagan was the son of a New Deal employee; a former union head; the governor of California who signed its abortion liberalization law; a president who presided over six major tax increases, including the single largest tax hike at that point in American history and a major hike in capital gains and corporate taxes; a guy who repeatedly said he wanted to scrap all nuclear weapons and met — without preconditions — with the head of the Soviet Union five times to negotiate such a plan; a president who cut-and-ran from Beirut after 280 Marines were killed by terrorists, who traded arms to the Iranian mullahs and empowered the mujahadeen and helped a young Osama Bin Laden come to power.

You’re right, Obama is so much worse than that — turning the economy around, giving millions access to health care, and putting a bullet in Bin Laden’s dome.

Sorry Otto, I know this is old, but you are leaving out the rest of the story on Reagan. He was also an anti-communist activist in Hollywood, he was a member of the anti-communist Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals with his friend John Wayne, he worked with Joe McCarthy during the Red Scare in the 1950s, he gave one of the biggest tax cuts in history as president, he fired airline union workers when they wouldn’t go back to work after their strike, and he built up our military in the ’80s and proposed many innovative strategic missile defense shields. His work with the Russians was an effort to rid the world of communism, and he succeeded. Many commnist counties fell during and right after Reagan’s presidency, including the Soviet Union. You crazy liberals are just mad because you don’t have Reagan and Clinton was a more moderate president. You can have your failed Obama.

I sometimes want to post up the “trying to classify ketchup as a school lunch vegetable” thing, but it seems so trivial next to all the truly depressing stuff. Then again, cutting nutrition requirements for poor children can be dressed up pretty well if you use big purty words like Otto.

Yeah, there was a lot of low-hanging fruit with Reagan — remember when he said trees cause pollution? — but I with all the big ones like arming terrorists and quadrupling the national debt, there’s really not enough time.

lol @ obama turning the economy around. I’m not here to argue Reagan as being anything other than another stuffed suit propped up by big dollars but fucking super lol @ obama turning the economy around. If spending eleventy trillion dollars on fucking nothing is turning the economy around then that guy is tits.

When Obama took office, the Dow Jones was at 7,949, and now it’s at 12,734.

When Obama took office, we’d had four straight quarters of negative GDP growth, and now we’ve had six straight quarters of positive GDP growth.

When Obama took office, we’d had monthly job losses for well over a year, with the job loss rate at 800,000+ during the last month of the Bush administration. Now we’ve had 22 straight months of private-sector job gains, with 3.16 million new jobs added by businesses. 2011 saw the best record of jobs creation since the housing bubble peaked in 2005.

Unemployment is still too high, but we’re getting there as these monthly job gains — and did I mention it’s 22 months straight, now? — make a dent in the massive losses we had under Bush. And you can’t overestimate the hole he left us. The years 2001-2009 saw a net total of 1.1 million jobs created, the worst record of any administration since Herbert Hoover. Obama’s overseen nearly three times as many jobs created on his watch.

You’re right about one thing, though — when fucking retards try to talk about the economy, all you can do is LOL.

This isn’t just a rewriting of history, it’s a complete reimagining, setting it in stark, contemporary tones suffused with a gritty realism and a thoroughly urban feel. Ronald Reagan: Parkour President. A new history for a new America.

As the designated gun-toting libertarian redneck/sophistocated D.C. attorney, I feel obligated to break FilmDrunk code and say “Fuck you all, you know not of what you speak.” But more than that, Vince, why the politics? Kirk Cameron’s emotive faces are eminently mockable without uttering ignorant falsehoods like “almost none of them were Christians.” As someone who has read quite a lot of primary sources from that period and from those dudes and others, may I just say, “Go fuck yourself; you don’t know what you’re talking about, but I still love you.”

Here’s a primary source for you — the Treaty of Tripoli, which was the very first treaty in American history and a document that helps us understand how the Founders understood the nation. It was commissioned by George Washington, signed by John Adams, and ratified by a Senate that was still more than half full of the same men who’d ratified the Constitution.

What does it say? “The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.”

Ten years after the country was founded, the men who founded it said it was not a Christian nation. Full stop.

Is that clear enough for you? Or do you still think Encyclopedia Seaver here is going to use his vast expertise to uncover the super-secret love the Founders had for theocracy inside a long-lost copy of the Federalist Papers?

Reagan did moderate some as president(most presidents have to), but by and large he was a conservative president. He was also an anti-communist activist in Hollywood, he was a member of the anti-communist Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals with his friend John Wayne, he worked with Joe McCarthy during the Red Scare in the 1950s, he gave one of the biggest tax cuts in history as president, he fired airline union workers when they wouldn’t go back to work after their strike, and he built up our military in the ’80s and proposed many innovative strategic missile defense shields. His work with the Russians was an effort to rid the world of communism, and he succeeded. Many commnist counties fell during and right after Reagan’s presidency, including the Soviet Union. You crazy liberals are just mad because you don’t have Reagan and Clinton was a more moderate president. You can have your failed Obama.

What you conservatives never seem to think about is what we actually got out of “ridding the world of Communism.” It’s weird, I never got my commemorative “we won the cold war” plates in the mail. In fact, all I think we got was a bunch of middle eastern countries suddenly thinking *WE* were the bad guys. Our big prize for the Cold War ending was 9/11. You guys just like to act like fighting communism is an ideal and everyone is just supposed to take it for granted that it’s a good thing, when it’s really only a good thing because you say it is.

“He was also an anti-communist activist in Hollywood, he was a member of the anti-communist Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals with his friend John Wayne, he worked with Joe McCarthy during the Red Scare in the 1950s”