June 6, 2007

DTQ: Who's The Biggest Kids Brand Whore?

A reader called me out for harshing on Maisy, and she's right; though the particular book the kid and I read was lame, it's far from the worst example of brand-brainwashing crap that the Baby Industrial Complex foists on our kids. Maisy just happened to be the one who got stuck under my blogging tires; but during the same library visit, I refused to even read the kid a Dora book.

And now that I think about it, we read a Curious George book whose stupidity cut even deeper because it's a classic I knew and loved. Did you realize there's a whole series of Curious George books drawn "in the style of" the originals, basically authorized knockoffs with stories cooked up in a publisher's conference room somewhere?

[If you're curious, check out Babar, too; Jean de Brunhoff wrote a few books featuring the elephant characters he dreamed up for his son's bedtime stories. Then Laurent picked up and ran with it. Somewhere along the line, Babar's Yoga for Elephants seemed like a greenlightable title, sold with the awesome tagline, "An Original Laurent de Brunhoff Book". Mais, bien sur.]

So who is trying to simultaneously fill our kids' heads and empty our wallets by cranking out the most crap? What characters are battling hardest for brand recognition among kids who, just a few months ago, couldn't see anything more than three feet away?

Here's a Daddy Types Query to find the biggest kids brand whore out there in three easy, if admittedly unscientific, steps:

Pick a character, any character, from the kid/baby world.

See how many children's books they have by searching for their name on Amazon's Children's Book search. [Note: to ensure consistent tallies across all characters, make sure the pulldown menu next to the search box shows "Children's Books".]

Post the name you searched for, the number of results, and if you can figure it out, the URL to the search results page in the comments below.

Extra Credit: if you see a particularly ridiculous example of a moneygrubbing title [e.g., Elmo Learns How To Use His First Visa Card], feel free to throw it in, too. I'd add Babar's Yoga, but I actually want it to turn out to be good and fun and hilarious. If it's not, please don't tell me.

I tallied a bunch below off the top of my head, and already, it's clear I owe Maisy an apology.

I don't have many minutes of nap time left so the search for brandwhores will have to wait....but you might just start with "Disneystole the princesses"- they didn't even have to create the characters and I'm guessing there was no license fee to pay!

I am going to get the Buy Buy Baby book by the way- I'll read it to my 7 year old with whom we discuss on a daily basis the pervasive marketing she enjoys so much! We do try to keep it to a minimum but with an older child and an open plan home- TV happens- so we work on explaining the motives behind what she is seeing.

And- yep I was wondering who the heck the pictures on the diapers were for...until my baby T started roaring at lion picture (Simba/Kimba ) the pictures were a total waste of ink and licensing fees. Now at least diaper changes are funnier.

This includes the original books by Rev. Awdry--in collected form and in single titles. But there's also a whole bunch of new books that've been sanitized and cutified. For one, Sir Topham Hatt is skinny!

We have a bunch of the Curious George knockoff books. There are actually two sets of knockoffs: (1) books based on 1960s vintage short films featuring the character, illustrated with stills from the films; and (2) newly written stories with new art ("new" meaning here early 2000s). (There may also be some books based on the recent movie and TV show, but I haven't seen any.)

The books based on the 1960s films are pretty terrible: the art is grainy because the stills don't reproduce well, and occasionally there are oddities in the illustrations (e.g., people smoking). The new stories are arguably better than the originals, in that they don't have some of the disturbing elements of the original books.

[yeah, I love how, in the original book, George has "a good pipe" and goes straight to bed. -ed.]

The marketing is getting out of hand. All the Pirates of Carribean stuff just came out. Wal-Mart was marketing everything, even down to the Pirates bedding and matching table and chairs set. It's ridiculous! My daughter was given a Dora hamper for her bedroom and that's the only Dora stuff I'll let her have as a decoration. Dora is her favorite, but I couldn't handle having a whole room full of it!

I have to second Thomas for being particularly obnoxious. Our girl loves little cars, which I don't particularly mind. She has no idea that there are cartoons (okay, sorta stop-motion shorts, whatever...). Never having read the actual Rev. Awdry books, I asked at the Annapolis Barnes and Noble if they had them just so that I could see what they were like. No one had no idea what I was talking about. Awesome, since an entire back corner of the store is entirely devoted to Thomas.

Some of the books listed in children's books on Amazon are not kid's books: Life of Pi, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time caught my eye immediately. And I wish that Kurt Vonnegut had written for children.

"By reinventing Pooh, Disney has made millions in the Hundred-Acre Wood

Source: Karen HellerKnight-Ridder Newspapers
Winnie-the-Pooh still lives in the forest. He also lives on video, at the supermarket and in department stores everywhere, while being heavily traded on the New York Stock Exchange. Pooh is no longer all by himself. He is everywhere. He is even two Poohs. There is the original Pooh based on the A.A. Milne books with "decorations" by Ernest H. Shepard. And there is the Disney Pooh. The original Pooh is 70 this year, and the Disney Pooh is officially 30-something.

Published on November 10, 1996, Page 1, Fort Worth Star-Telegram "

That was 10 years ago .... the Pooh factory is still chugging along. A little off topic but how about the Pooh and Tigger Musical Toaster-$49.95
It plays the song AND toasts Pooh and Tiggers faces into the bread!!! Now if only I could find a Maisy toaster our lives would be complete.