Month: March 2010

You would think that Hello Kitty fanatics would have learned that there are just certain Hello Kitty combinations that should never be put together, but then that would be giving the Hello Kitty fanatics the benefit of actually possessing common sense. Those that follow the evil feline show time and again that they are willing to ink virtually anything on themselves with the obvious horrifying results. The latest addition to this terrifying display is the Hello Kitty Joker tattoo:

With Easter just around the corner, it is important for Hello Kitty fanatics to set the record straight about who your savior is. While you may think that it was Jesus Christ that died on the cross for your sins, you’d be wrong. It was the evil feline herself and that is why you should be worshipping her and displaying your devotion for her sacrifice for you:

My wife decided to download a bunch of Hello Kitty coloring pages the other day (I’m still debating whether this is better or worse than her buying a Hello Kitty coloring book) and told me that I should practice so that I can color them with my nieces when they come to visit. This, of course, made for a very difficult dilemma. Should I color the Hello Kitty coloring pages like my wife expected me to, or should I color the Hello Kitty coloring pages the way that they actually should be colored?

The issue with Hello Kitty baby stuff is that there is actually some unfortunate baby in the world that has to wear and be surrounded by it because, for some unfathomable reason, the parent worshipping the evil feline thinks that it is cute. Now, this baby will likely seek unimaginable revenge upon the offending parent for doing this to her when she is old enough to realize the child abuse that had been thrust upon her (unfortunately, I also must say “or him” — the sad fact is that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t really care). In their early formative years, however, they are absolutely defenseless to the torturous indoctrination. Skeptical? This is what happens to a baby that ends up with a Hello Kitty fanatic that has access to Hello Kitty baby stuff:

It’s not often that the week ends on a positive note when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, but sometimes there is a tiny ray of light that shines through all the darkness and brings a smile to my face. This is especially true when you realize that you are not alone in your fight against the horrors of the evil feline. Apparently Hagar the Horrible shares my feelings on how Hello Kitty should be treated. Enjoy:

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

It has been more than obvious for some time now that Hello Kitty loves her guns. It has also become glaringly obvious that the evil feline expects that she is going to need all the weaponry that she can possibly get her hands on when making that final push to take over the world. To add to her ever increasing stash, she now has the Hello Kitty rotary gun (with matching Hello Kitty helmet and Hello Kitty ammo case just for good measure)

When it comes to Hello Kitty Hell, the question is who has it the worst. Obviously, everyone and everything that has contact with the Hello Kitty fanatic has to endure their own form of Hello Kitty Hell. While I maintain that it is the significant others of the Hello Kitty fanatic that have it the worst (still doubt?), the dogs and cats of the Hello Kitty fanatic certainly have a valid claim as well. Add the kids of Hello Kitty fanatics to the mix:

There really should be a law that prohibits the combination of Hello Kitty and rings which should have been evident from the Hello Kitty wedding rings. Of course, the evil feline would never let the horror stop there. Case in point — another hideous left-over from the Three Apples event which should obviously die a fiery death, but people keep insisting on sending me: The Hello Kitty bow ring.

I guess Hello Kitty fanatics like the boxing glove look (although I must admit that simply seeing this makes me want to punch something)…

Sent in by far too many people who obviously have way too much time on their hands and are clinically blind.

Life gives you a very different perspective on gadgets when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. While most people crave the latest and greatest electronic toys out there, those that share their lives with fanatics of Hello Kitty live in fear with each new popular gadget that hits the stores. This is because we know that it’s only a matter of time before that popular gadget comes in Pepto Bismol pink covered with the evil feline.

I already hate cell phones in general because of what my wife does to them. When we lived in Japan, I avoided having to live with a Hello Kitty iPhone because there were so many other cell phones that were superior to it there that my wife wanted, but now that we are back in the US, my wife is insisting that she needs an iPhone. I have no doubt that this is what it is going to ultimately look like:

You know, I would think that by now people would realize that I really have no desire to help them spread the cult of Hello Kitty — but of course, that would be greatly underestimating the intellect of those that promote the evil feline. Case in point — this recently ended up in my email box:

Dearest Gatekeeper of HK Hell,

I’ve just started working for HK mag UK, and one of the segments I produce is about the bonkers things people do in the name of Hello Kitty… Needless to say, 90% of images/references/posts all come back to your site. I’m hoping you might be willing to provide me with contact details for key images/pieces/products that you feature…

This by no means would see you endorsing the mag, product or Hello Kitty, but would simply be a way for people to have an alternative avenue to showcase their endeavours. As I’ve just come on-board at the mag, I don’t have an established fan-base to draw upon; your blog is literally the best reference internationally for such things — Alessandra

It seems that now Hello Kitty magazines believe it’s my job to do their work for them because it is obvious to them how much I would actually love spending more time than I already have to with the evil feline. It really is not a good sign in Hello Kitty Hell when people from Hello Kitty magazines are contacting me for help. It’s even worse that they considered HKH the best international reference for things Hello Kitty. I have a feeling it is going to be a long, long week…