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Sunday, May 31, 2009

My life just seems to be in a total uproar right now y'all. My meds aren't doing that great of a job keeping my moods level and nothing is helping my panic attacks. Even my knitting hasn't been as therapeutic as it usually is. I know my home situation is not doing anything to help at all, and I am ready to make that change.

I have been having such a hard time coping with Wayne's attitude and actions. I have tried talking to him about his drinking, and he makes empty promises that he appears to be keeping for a week, maybe two and then it's right back to "normal". Lately he has even been getting angry when I hang out with my BFF. It has gotten to the point that I can't stand for him to even be nice to me anymore, because (while I know he's sincere when he is) it is always so short-lived and he gets upset over how I do or don't react when he does and then he is hateful for the rest of the day. I have been so "done," so over it, for so long now. I don't even want things to work anymore.

Last night we finally talked (believe it or not, he was sober). He said that I am not home enough (funny, I run errands on Thursdays & on a normal week get out with Sam once, MAYBE twice-and rarely ever more than that, she has a family too!). Now granted, when he's drinking, there are times I will get up and leave, but who can blame me for that? He said that as my husband he should come first in my life above everything, that is what he deserves and he is tired of playing 2nd fiddle to everything else in my life. He said he needs stability. Sitting here typing this it just hit me! He had me feeling so guilty last night...but looking back, I am amazed at how he can point the finger at me like he is the freaking rock of gibraltar! He continued by saying that these times are financially stressful and I am not very supportive, in fact I add to the stress--I don't know how; he gave me $65 this week to go grocery shopping on & I had $4 left over and I'll be darned if he didn't take that back! On average, this is about how much he gives me for groceries every week; some weeks more, some weeks less but $65 is the average. I don't typically get pocket money. This past weekend I did ask for money to get away for the weekend. It was the 1 year anniversary of my Daddy's death & I just needed to go away. He filled up my tank and gave me $10 for the road. Other than that, I don't ask him for money and he rarely ever just hands any over. Yet he always finds money for his cigs & beer, but I'M adding to the financial stress.

He told me he couldn't live like this anymore. I agreed. Y'all, I agreed with damn near everything he said last night. Even when I complained about something that he did that bothered me, I included my faults as well. I did not sit here and let him "have it with both barrells." I took all of the blame. Me, and my bipolar & anxiety disorders. We took it all. I put nothing off on him. But I did tell him that I knew that neither one of us were happy and that this situation was not healthy for either of us and surely not the boys. He doesn't want to be without me (of course, I just don't understand that since I am such an awful and unstable person). He thinks we could be great together. That when I am good (his words y'all!) I am the perfect woman.

Y'all I simply told him that I am bipolar. I am only physically able to be so stable. Try as I might, I have limitations. I am not going to be this perfect wife that never gets depressed, or upset or has a panic/anxiety attack. Lord above knows that I wish I could! But the fact of the matter is, I'm not. Being in this situation is not helping it either. I told him that I felt I should go Monday and apply for housing assistance. I have to stay here until they can get me into a place, because I have no where else to go. He suggested we be kind to each other-I agreed, but then he was not happy that his offer of kindness wasn't enough to make me want to stay. Today is our 15th wedding anniversary, and tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow I will be trying to find the resources to move on and start to pick up the pieces.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Seriously, y'all I just do not know what my deal is lately. I have been staying pretty occupied, but when I am home I do get on the computer. I just do not feel like doing anything productive on here. I know, I know...BAD ME! It's not that I don't love y'all...not by any stretch of the imagination. My attention span just hasn't been long enough for me to focus on any one thing for long. Even my knitting is suffering....or maybe the opposite...I don't know. I have more projects on the needles (and hooks) than I have ever had before at one time, but I can only spend a little time on each at any given point.

I know what it is! I've got it! It's cabin fever! Winter is finally over and the pretty weather is here and when I am not out in it, I am restless. Then there are the Spring showers that are abounding here in my little part of Tennessee lately. I am tellin' ya, this is the wettest Spring I can recall...or maybe I'm just getting old and can't remember from year to year.

I am still working on the same pair of socks I have been working on for weeks now. I tend to lay it down and start on something else after an inch or so. I laid down the Power Ranger once I got to the body done (minus the detail). The poor thing needs a head something fierce! I did crochet a cute amigirumi heart following a free pattern from Tamie Snow of Roxycraft. I love. love. love. her stuff! I also started on an adorable free bunny pattern I found at Rheatheylia.com via Ravelry. I did actually FINISH a cute little knitted kitty from angry t-rex roars...

...cute, huh? Damon is really into anime and it reminded him of some cat on one of the ones he watches or something so he swiped it, lol.

...she wouldn't use it as a cloth, so I framed it for her. She is sentimental like that. I would love to make her an afghan using plain stockinette squares alternated with this cloth pattern throughout. Maybe that would be good for me to get started on for Christmas...in her favorite color.

So that's pretty much it....well, all that AND I have lost a total of 15.6 lbs. now!hehehe

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hey guys, sorry I've been a bit scarce lately. As the title of this post says, I've just been feelin' out of sorts lately.

I have, however, been knitting like crazy!I am currently working on a pair of socks. I am learning how to knit them toe up and I have to tell you I love, love, love the toe up method! I am using the Houdini Sock Pattern by Cat Bordhi. I am almost to the heel of it now. It has been my traveling project that I keep in my purse/bag so I mostly only knit on it when I'm out and about. For my "at home" project I am designing/knitting a Power Ranger doll for the BFF's youngest, Jacob. Do you know that there is not a single pattern out there anywhere for a knit OR crochet Power Ranger doll!?!? I'll be sure to post pics as soon as I get it done.

I have also made another elephant, this one was for the man. I though he was gonna have a caniption fit when I gave the first one to Jesse! I had to promise that I'd make him one and he asked me every day where his "heffalump" was. Big baby! Actually, I have to admit that I was quite flattered, lol.

Then I got frustrated having to hunt down my darning needles and such in the bottom of my knitting basket all the time so I made me a pin cushion. I made it with a pocket to hold my little dropped-stitch crochet hook and what's that on front? Do you recognise it? It is a sheep made by none other than my knitter friend Patt!

I also designed a cute cloth. I need to take a pic of it, and once I do and get it typed up, I promise to share it with y'all!

Oh, and I do want to share with y'all some good news on the topic of my health/weight, I have lost 13.7 lbs now!! I am feeling so good. I have more energy, more stamina and am gaining more self-confidence. This is a lifestyle that I feel comfortable continuing.

....Ok, I am going to go now and get busy around the house. Y'all have a great weekend!Hugs, Health & Happiness,Jesus said, 'I will never leave you or forsake you' (Hebrews 13:5)