BREAKING: Yasiel Puig Suspended for the Remainder of the Postseason for Fun

Major League Baseball announced today that Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig is being suspended for the remainder of the postseason for repeated and egregious displays of fun.

“I don’t know if that’s how they do things in Cuba,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “But this is America. This is Major League Baseball and these sort of displays of youthful exuberance will not stand.”

The St. Louis Cardinals, who are opposing Puig’s Dodgers in the National League Championship Series, fully support the rookie’s suspension. In fact, they alerted Selig to Puig’s behavior in a letter which every member of the Cardinals signed.

In the letter, the Cardinals mentioned, among other misdeeds, that Puig had engaged in:

smiling

laughing

celebrating

fist-pumping

“I didn’t even need to get to the end of the letter before coming to my decision,” said Selig. “I was disgusted. In fact, I didn’t have an appetite for the rest of the day. I will not have this kind of behavior in our game.”

The commissioner said he will meet with Puig before the start of the 2014 season to determine whether he will reinstate the outfielder.

“He needs to show me that he has become callous and old and cynical,” said Selig.