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The mad rush is on as we try to resolve Survivor Season 30 and not have the Union guys go into triple overtime.

Mike fights for his life. Rodney's Game of Thrones sigil is "The Undeserving Warthog" and Mama C continues to work with people who know how to spell her name come Tribal Council time.

Do you want some heart? We drag the Loved Ones out to amp up the drama and to confirm that these contestants are actually somebody's spawn. Surprisingly, Rodney's loved one is his Personal Trainer, but the guy looks old enough to be his dad.

In a bit of foreshadowing, Sierra shows Carolyn how to make fire using just a flint and her own facial hair. Mike continues to do well while leading the league in toothpick consumption and Dan is still ten cents short of First Class.

Hang on as a new Survivor winner is declared. Then please amble over to our Survivor 30 "Worlds Apart: War Of The No Class" Reunion Special thresd to discuss the reveal, the fashion and the Passion of The Rodney.

Here we are. And there we go. I’m Coconut Bob bringing you the last of this season’s very accurate and surprisingly poignant spoilers. Sadly, it is for the last time. Until the next time that is. But this really is the last time that you will hear from Coconut Bob. I have to assume a new identity every once in a while just to keep ahead of the high and mighty rabid dog Federales who seem to think that leading a gang of Really Really Really Very Truly and Very Earnestly Raunchy girls from the legendary Raunchy Girls Finishing school of Winsomeness and Wistfull Sighing on raids to hoo-rah small villages and tie their hapless elders to street lamps, and soaking them with beer and whisky (don't worry, we only use the cheap stuff) while making fun of them being old and stuff is illegal. I’d just like to see the statute on that, by gum.

Or maybe they object to the loud exhausts of our customized Vespa choppers? They do have a sweet sound that can be heard miles away. Like a flock of Lear Jets coming over the hill.

Why do they want to catch us anyway? When they do, the girls spend a week in their company and then just walk away leaving some spent but very satisfied soldados unable to walk straight or see thru glazed over eyes. Well Ok, when you say it like that, I can see why.

Anyway, the good news is that Survivor is #1 in TV ratings this season. Thanks to…you guessed it…the solid platinum super accurate spoilers that you read here every week. We bring the goodness that is spoiling to you. For free. Well, free to paid up subscribers, anyway, so if you love Survivor, if you love me, if you love slithery sleek super-hot girl spies, and if you love mothers and America and apple pie, keep those subscriptions rolling in. Pay-me-Pal preferred.

Anyway, this is the last set of spoilers till next season, and I’d just like to thank the EPMB for letting me borrow Roma for a while (she’s an animal), and for letting me steal his black card so I could build my skyscraper and buy a Gulfstream Jet. And I’d like to condemn him to an eternity of sharp stick poking for repossessing the building and the jet, and for cancelling the black card. Dam, that thing came in handy. Oh well.

Here they are, the last of the pure platinum spoilers:

Pure Platinum Spoiler #1: Family visit this week. And Rod sees his dad and calls him brother. Rod’s dad sees Rod and calls him brother. Something amiss in the old Bostonian hillbilly family tree?

Pure Platinum Spoiler #2: (Just skip this one if you’re tired of hearing it). Rod’s plan for this week is (yawn) “We four vote out Mike”. So naturally Mike wins F5 IC, F5 reward, and F4 IC, and is still alive at F3. And Rod isn’t.

(Ed. One of the very few things that I won’t miss is reporting on is “Rod makes a plan and it fails, again.“ Man that was getting old and oh so predictable. Please, Lord in charge of Survivor Returnees, let’s never see the face of Rod again. By all that’s holy. Amen).

Pure Platinum Spoiler #5: There was no cussing at camp while Mike’s mom was visiting. And everyone had to pick up their rooms and make their beds. But no one could make spaghetti like Mom (Sigh. Just give me moment, sniff. Ok, better now).

Pure Platinum Spoiler #6: Mike and his mom will take a walk to enjoy a private moment between a loving mother and her devoted son. And a camera man. And a sound man. And a production crew. And millions of TV viewers. Intrusions into such moments of intimacy and privacy between a mother and her son are just priceless.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #7: And we meet the person who is funding Sienna’s barrel racing career, her Dad. A cowgirl's specialized barrel racing horse doesn't come cheap. But she loves it, and Daddy loves his little girl, so there goes a few hundred grand. Awww.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #8: So, why does Shirin seem so hot all of the sudden? (Her first million? Her First? Come to daddy! So, what’s your sign? Do you like monkey sex too?)

SOME ONE SHOULD JUST SLAP HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND SHUT HIM THE HELL UP!!!

(Ed. - And yes, I did mean to use three exclamation marks!).

Pure Platinum Spoiler #10: One more futile Rod spoiler during the F5 Immunity Competition; Even with cheating Rod can’t beat Mike. Even his plan for everyone to gang up on Mike doesn’t work. Rod has become the very definition a of Zero on the competence scale, and a 10 on the futility and loser scales.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #11: The final words from Rod in Nicaragua are the typical classless rant that we’ve come to expect from Rod. Make that a 10 on the jerk scale, too. And a 10 on the “Tool” scale.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #12: Will tells Mike he is guaranteed 150,000% that he will leave. When will they realize that when they make these predictions, that they are guaranteeing that they won’t happen? And 150,000%? Please, Will, hyperbole would be 110%, you don’t really need to go to 150,000%. And does that mean, anyway?

It was a nice gesture from Will when he volunteered to put the Immunity Necklace around Mike’s neck after he won the final IC. It would have been even nicer if Jeff hadn’t had to wrestle him to the ground when he tried to strangle Mike with it. When Will started foaming at the mouth screaming “This is the only way, this is the only way, I’m taking one for the team!” the producers had to dart him.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #13: It wasn’t shown, but they had to use the electric heart shock paddles when Will died during the stadium steps challenge.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #14: After she tied Rod at the final eviction, Carolyn crossed herself and pointed to heaven. She should have pointed down and prayed to someone who knows a little more about fire.

We the Nut Gallery salute your dogged search for truth, justice and the shortest route to the bar. The spoilers this season were spectacular, you just keep one upping yourself.

I can't say whether we'll have another cast so rich in goat like skills, waffling, excuse making and just plain delusional thinking.

In honor of your incredible spoiling skills while still running a school for wayward girls, I will attempt to address the final set of super Pure Platinum Spoilage.

Let the games begin.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #1: The family visit. In other words, Jiffy's favorite ratings event. Rod's Fadda/Brotha was epic. Fadda/Brotha get's to watch his brotha/boy fall short again. I still think Mike should have shared his mom with Rodney. ewww.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #2: I eventually figured Rod was the source of your epic spoilers this season. How did you know that all you had to print was the polar opposite of whatever Rod said. I could have made a fortune in Vegas.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #3: Isn't Rod the only reward Rod ever needs?

Pure Platinum Spoiler #4: Will, Will, Will. A dried out empty husk of his former YouTube glory. At least on day 30 something he finally managed to put together 20 seconds of effort then like the legend he is. Nothing.More.Ever. We should be so lucky as to see nothing more ever of him too.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #5: I bet she didn't get Rodney to clean his room, and he called her Mom-Bro all night.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #6: I hear you had 3246 cameras and microphones installed over at the RR Girls Academy this season. Survivor production has nothing on your film skills.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #7: Her make-up looked like it was applied with a hoof. Just sayin'.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #8: The first million was to pi$$ off her parents and buy her drama queen lessons. If she wants to make that second million on Survivor she should bet that first million on her being the first bootee in S31.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #9: I volunteer my services to:

SOME ONE SHOULD JUST SLAP HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND SHUT HIM THE HELL UP!!! + !!! (I meant to add those extra !'s too)

Pure Platinum Spoiler #10: The only trophy Rodney has in his room is a participation ribbon for potty training. He was 14 years old.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #11: Rodney was looking for his own Ambuh. All he found was a Will. Loser.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #12: Will was right up there with Rod the math wizard 150 gazillion %.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #13: They should have paddled Will sooner, I think he died somewhere in episode 3.

Now for the last one. I just have to leave it alone I can't improve on perfection.

Pure Platinum Spoiler #14: After she tied Rod at the final eviction, Carolyn crossed herself and pointed to heaven. She should have pointed down and prayed to someone who knows a little more about fire.

In all likelihood I’ll be passing on next season. I generally focus on “Real” seasons with first timers and shy away from a complete cast of former losers trying to make the most of another opportunity.

I could see this upcoming season mirroring S8, the season they had the audacity to call “All-Stars.” It’s blatantly obvious to me alliances have already been formed and strategies formulated long before the chosen 20 boarded the plane for Cambodia. In my mind that’s not how Survivor should be played.

To all who intend to watch S31, enjoy the season. I’ll be back when Survivor the way it oughta be airs again.

Now for my final thoughts on S30...

I was enjoying the Finale thoroughly...up to the fire building tiebreaker.

What an utter disgrace taking about an hour to start fire with flint in a game called “Survivor” where the basic essential is...FIRE.

Good Gracious does CBS Casting SUCK!!!

For all you fine folks who put up with my rants over the years, THIS is a perfect example of what I mostly mean about “pathetically weak and inept.”

Literally speaking, Rodney is not a weakling (as I’m sure his lifting “Bros” in the gym can attest) but in a Survivor sense he’s about as lame as they come. Far be it for me to make any excuses for Rodney, but partially in his defense he was blindsided to even participate in that tiebreaker to begin with. But Carolyn knew she would need to start fire and even with prior practice she was pathetic.

Hey CBS Casting…You SUCK!!!

Enough with the losers...Let’s focus on the only star who owned the season and deserved the win—Mike.

My last week’s analogy of Mike to JT is now complete. Not only did both win their last three ICs to proactively control their fates and assure themselves a seat in the Finals, their thought processes were identical by NOT taking the easy out.

JT brought Stephen to the Finals over pathetically inept and joke of a casting debacle Erinn; Mike chose Carolyn over the opportunity to sit next to “two goats.” Naturally at the time he couldn’t have known Rodney would get more votes than Carolyn, but the result would have been the same—a very, VERY satisfying victory for the man who worked harder, searched harder, and played harder than anyone else this season.

As for any criticism about his social game...Jenn hit the nail smack on the head. Mike had to socially coexist with a bunch of sorry ass sore losers who couldn’t deal with a dominant player like Mike beating the snot out of them. PERIOD!

Any social criticism aimed at Mike was merely his REACTION to the poor sportsmanship and sore-loser belly-aching antics Mike had to contend with cited perfectly and appropriately by Jenn (which IMHO was clearly the highlight of a subpar FTC.) Now could Mike have reacted more intelligently?...of course he could have. But the fact he even HAD to react to these lame castaways for the reason stated above was a shame in itself.

Well done Mike...and congratulations on your VERY satisfying victory!

FINALE COMIC RELIEF...

Sierra feels she “deserved” to advance because she finished second to Mike in the F5 IC?? LMAO. Forget the fact Mike lapped the rest of the competition at least twice. Forget the fact Rodney tried in vain to round up his posse (including Sierra) to gang up on Mike.

Without googling it, unless you can tell me which horse placed in the 1973 Belmont Stakes to Secretariat who went on to win by an area code and take the Triple Crown, Sierra’s plea was about as weak as it gets.

But kudos to the barber for the clean shave on Sierra before the Reunion Show. Unfortunately he must have used that same blade to cut the material for Rodney’s suit. If Rodney wants to dress “White Collar,” the Bro needs to seriously invest in a tailor.

We had Kim in One World; now Sierra in Worlds Apart...what is it with these chicks sporting staches???

With Shirin, if in her mind it’s too late to accept an apology then JUST LET IT GO ALREADY! What an immature whackjob. Congratulations on making your first million at 25...proof that all the money in the world can’t buy you maturity and normalcy. I hate to give him credit but Dan was right calling her a “Drama Queen.” Of course coming from Dan it’s a classic case of “pot meet kettle” emphasized by his silly head-banging session on the parchment at FTC.

Speaking of Dan, it appears all the Survivor fans and faithful who draw the edit card as frequently as Jesse James drew his gun have found themselves a new poster child. It was painfully difficult watching Dan trying to “Spin Doctor” or “Edit Card” his way out of justifiable ridicule.

I could go on and on. I’m sure I’ll add a few more posts when all is said and done, but that’s about it for now.

Well said Aruba, I'll miss your Love & Loaths next season for sure. You said it all about Rod, Dan, & Sierra together they were certainly a heard of goats. Surprising that Carolyn didn't have more votes, everyone seemed to adore her but it didn't seem to mean they loved her gameplay.

How are Survivor 30 and a root canal the same? They both feel great when the pain stops.

Besides, the square footage area of all the G-strings combined wouldn't catch much wind. The atmospheric kind, that is. About the only wind they could catch is the gastro kind. And of course, my girls don't fart. They're very lady-like little sluts.

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