An inner web of fantasy mixed with reality

ashes mixed with tears becomes mudd

This is not realThere was no body... just ashes... just tears... just memories...and me... with broken memories... not enough of them to fill the glass... and I mourn because I didn't know you well enough. I watch my mother be so strong... jaw set, not to break down again. and I sit next to your grandchild. He fights back tears between me and my mother. I can not let him mourn alone. I gently lay my hand on his quivering hands fidgeting in his lap. A tear falls and he wipes it away, his one hand wrapping his thumb up into my hand. I feel his heart beat in his hands and I feel his sorrow up into my hand. I fight the tears I feel well up inside my dead heart. I look at him and he gives me a weak little smile grateful for the comfort I offer... which I was afraid to offer...then realized I didn't care. This is me not caring what anybody thinks. I didn't know him well enough... so I shouldn't be affected that's what they say.. they do not realize that I'm an empath... that even if I didn't know the person.. I feel the sorrow that surrounds them. I feel the pain of my mom... of my cousin whose sorrow was so deep... of him not being as good of man as his grandfather. I am not as strong as him. my cousin is young and naive... he could be a good man, but he has a lot of growing up to do. He leaves for the middle east in October... maybe that will help him grow up. I'm rambling.. I'm all over the place and not really home... so much to deal with.. this moment was the cherry on top and I'm waiting to break. though I have no one to glue me back together again. I just feel so damn alone on top of it all. No one knows what to say to me... I'm different and they can't handle it. I just want a real connection and all i find is smoke shapes twisting into nothingness. I'm afraid to love for my emptyness is so great that it consumes and consumes... no one can understand this... they just can only see the side they want to see... the light, the dark... and i am both. so I chose to be alone.. I don't want to fall in love again... to be utterly destroyed. I wish that I could use the way the world seems to. I don't want to fall into your eyes in that dream of love... I want your embrace to keep me safe...but it seems to always be a game...a lie.. I need someone who knows when I need them and when I need space... I cling overpowering at times and float away and drift into my own world I am not an easy person to figure out.. some days I wish I was in love... had that person to hold me through my mania... but is there a guy out there strong enough...patient enough... i really hope so... for if i am left alone too long I will disappear..