Friday, October 08, 2010

putting some distance between the family and myself, i might be able to see the woods for the trees

After wasting an entire precious childcare day last week the penny has finally dropped. I need to separate from domestic life if my dreams are to have any chance of seeing the light of day ..... which is deeply ironic since all my plotting and planning is aimed at a working life in, around and in spite of my family.

But this one wasted day, spent dwelling on crap parenting moments followed by a spousal let-down, has shown me that I must indeed split my "business" persona from my domestic life if I am to make any progress carving out a fulfilling, rewarding (and paid) existence.

One of my main sources of strife .... OK probably my biggest source of strife is The Family life (no mafia connotations intended). What happens in The Family stays in The Family, and I have to deal with it. I'm in one of the least supported, most unrewarding, unrecognised and undervalued roles in today's society so no wonder it's stressful.

Which is why I'm trying to make some changes (which will benefit The Family too, not just me). Unfortunately the changes I'm plotting and planning don't offer an escape route as I'll probably be mostly working from home.

Offspring bolshiness? Spousal ineptitude? Non-functioning domestic appliances? No respite for the work from home parent. No escape via commute (please, I commuted into the City of London for seven years so no quips about how terribly tiring the journey is - I know) and That Domestic Crisis is still readily at hand. The dwelling where the latest meal refusal or parental tiff took place is also my workspace, with the scattered toys, unappreciated stack of neatly folded laundry and defrosting carcase (for the next attempt at adequate nutrition) as ready reminders.

No escape! Each time I feel I've been "betrayed" which, in retrospect, is a wee bit OTT ..... but my family are still holding me back.

In order to be productive and stay focused I need to develop a domestic thick skin ... or short term memory loss ..... or an "off" switch or erase for family emotions .... I need a "sleep" mode for part of my brain. I could switch seamlessly from full-on domestic angst to "efficient and creative business woman" without moping around feeling misunderstood, crappy or just plain mad.

No more days lost to questioning my confidence, wondering "if I can do it if I'm as bad as that" (whatever 'that' is). Is there a 12-step plan, I wonder?