Seriously what’s the allure? I guess I’m a pretty small minded mammal that is easily amused and perhaps I should leave it at that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like bad movies, like Ishtar or Gigli but rather I enjoy the silly, dumb movies. The only real rational reason I can come up with is because of those damn funny movie quotes.

Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order. Please don’t over analyze, just enjoy. Yes, I know I don’t have all of the funniest movie quotes from all time, that would probably take more than an hour or two to put together.

The Big Lebowski

The Dude: God damn you Walter! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me.The Dude: Yeah, but Walter…Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish. These fucking amateurs…

The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the fuck are you talking about?Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fuck are you… I’m not… We’re talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.Donny: What the fuck is he talking about?The Dude: My rug.Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you’re out of your element!The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can’t go give him a bill, so what the fuck are you talking about?Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.The Dude: Walter, this isn’t a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy…Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you…?The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug!Donny: He peed on the Dude’s rug.Walter Sobchak: Donny you’re out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

[the Dude, Walter, and Donny walk out of the bowling alley, to find the three Nihilists waiting in front of the Dude’s car, which has been torched]The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.

The Dude: It’s like what Lenin said… you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh…Donny: I am the walrus.The Dude: You know what I’m trying to say…Donny: I am the walrus.Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch…The Dude: Oh yeah!Donny: I am the walrus.Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?

Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.”The Dude: Jesus.Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.

The Dude: What’s in the fuckin’ carrier?Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that’s Cynthia’s dog. I think it’s a Pomeranian. I can’t leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I’m watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.The Dude: You brought the fuckin’ Pomeranian bowling?Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fucking beer. He’s not taking your fucking turn, Dude.The Dude: Man, if my fuckin’ ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin’ dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I’d tell her to go fuck herself.

The Dude: Jesus, man, can you change the station?Cab Driver: Fuck you man! You don’t like my fucking music, get your own fucking cab!The Dude: I’ve had a…Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out, man!The Dude: – had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man

Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!The Dude: Fuck the tournament… Fuck YOU, Walter!
[pause]Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don’t want to be cheered up here, Dude. Come on Donny, let’s go get us a lane.

Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude’s story, Donny?The Dude: Walter…Donny: What?Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude’s story?Donny: I was bowling.Walter Sobchak: So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You’re like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know…The Dude: (interrupting) Walter, Walter, what’s the point, man?Walter Sobchak: There’s no reason – here’s my point, dude, there’s no fucking reason why these two…Donny: Yeah, Walter, what’s your point?

Walter Sobchak: Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.The Dude: What about the toe?Walter Sobchak: Forget about the fucking toe!Coffee Shop Waitress: Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant.Walter Sobchak: Oh please, dear? For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

Hot Shots

Lt. Commander Block: Every aerial photo and recon report indicate a defensive arsenal in the D, and perhaps negative C, categories. There’s also some anti-aircraft squadrons. They can send up an ack-ack umbrella high enough to make any attack ineffective.Admiral Benson: I don’t have a clue what you’re talkin’ about, Phil. Not a fucking clue. I have a shell the size of a fist in my head. Pork Chop Hill. The only way I can make this goddamn toupee to stay on is by magnetizing the entire upper left quadrant of my skull, so you just go ahead and do what you do.

Admiral Benson: Thompson wasn’t that good a pilot, anyway. He only had a small family. The kids are a pain in the ass. The wife’s on the sauce. Hell, poor bastard’s better off dead. What size shoes do you wear?Lt. Commander Block: A nine, sir.Admiral Benson: Good. It’s settled then. We’ll send Harley to the front.

Admiral Benson: [after his cap blew off and landed in the sea] Holy Cow! My cap blew off! Swing her round. We’ll pick it up.Officer: But, sir, we’re on the mission.Admiral Benson: Good thinking. We’ll pick it up on the way back. We gotta mark the spot, though. Put Robinowitz in a life raft. Have him row in circles until we return.Officer: It could be days.Admiral Benson: Then put some food in the life raft, for god’s sake, man. Do I have to think of everything? We’ll tape his favourite shows, he won’t miss anything.

Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death.Westley: No. To the pain.Prince Humperdinck: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.Westley: I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.Westley: It won’t be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.Prince Humperdinck: I think you’re bluffing.

Dumb & Dumber

Harry: So you got fired again, eh?Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver’s full of shit, man.

Harry: I can’t believe we drove around all day, and there’s not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Lloyd: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me… ending up together?Mary: Well, Lloyd, that’s difficult to say. I mean, we don’t really…Lloyd: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?Mary: Not good.Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?Mary: I’d say more like one out of a million.
[pause]Lloyd: So you’re telling me there’s a chance… *YEAH!*

Lloyd: [while telling Harry what to tell Mary about himself] Tell her I’m rich, and I’m good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist’s wit.

Better off Dead

Charles De Mar: I’ve been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I’m no dummy. I know high school girls.

Lane Myer: [talking about skiing the K-12] Look Charles, I gotta do this. If I don’t, I’ll be nothing. I’ll end up like my neighbor Ricky Smith. He just sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.Charles De Mar: He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?Lane Myer: ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?

Yee Sook Ree: Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we’ve raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.Lane Myer: Alright let’s go!
[Crashes]

Fletch

[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]Teenager: Are you a cop?Fletch: As far as you know.Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?Teenager: I sure did.Fletch: Well, I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the law.

Alan Stanwyck: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand – and your mouth shut.Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?Alan Stanwyck: It’s nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen? I don’t see how you can pass that up, Mr…?Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.

[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]Chief Karlin: So, what’s your name?Fletch: Fletch.Chief Karlin: Full name?Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?Fletch: I’m a shepherd.Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?Fletch: Yeah, why don’t you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it’s a shame about Ed.Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.Fletch: Sure, but… the end was very… very sudden.Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.

Not another Teen Movie

Malik: Sure, why not? I am the token black guy. I’m just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like: “Damn,” “Shit,” and “That is whack.”

Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?Malik: Damn.Jake: That’s way too much information for me, Catherine.Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they’re done I always take a huge dump.Malik: Shit.Catherine: On their chest.Malik: Oh, that is whack.

Priscilla: You put the “suck” in “liposuction” You put the “ooo” in “jiu-jitsu” You put the “ism” in “This is all just a defense mechanism”.

[White cheerleaders]Cheerleaders: We are the North Compton wild cats. We’re black, we know it. We shake our big booties and we show it. We ain’t white. We ain’t white. We definitely ain’t white. Break it down niggas.

Dazed and Confused

Pink: I may play ball next fall, but I will never sign that. Now me and my loser friends are gonna head out to buy Aerosmith tickets. Top priority of the summer.

Dawson: Well, all I’m saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place… Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place.

Cynthia: I’d like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin’ else.

Tony: [describing his dream] So there I am, getting it on with this perfect female body and…Mike: What?Tony: I can’t say.Mike: No, you can’t give a build-up like that and not deliver. You know, a perfect female body, it’s not a bad start.Tony: But with the head of Abraham Lincoln. With the hat and the beard, everything.

Clint: I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer.
[glances over his shoulder]Clint: Looks like we’re almost outta beer.

Pink: All I’m saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life – remind me to kill myself.

Carl Burnett: We’re not in Junior High any more. We’re freshmen. We’re in the big time now… where the girls will be puttin’ out all the time.

Wooderson: The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N.

Wooderson: That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

Meatballs

Tripper: Attention. Here’s an update on tonight’s dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight’s mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed “some kind of beef.”

Tripper: Ok, the zone’s not working. They’re a little too big to play man-to-man. And we can’t shoot for shit.

Tripper: But, the real excitement of course is going to come at the end of the summer, during Sexual Awareness week. We import two hundred hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and two thousand dollars cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can. The winner of course is named King of Sexual Awareness week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.

Rudy: I’m going away.Tripper: You goin’ to Vegas? If you’re going to Vegas, I would be up for it because I love that town. I’m a party guy. I love that town.Rudy: I don’t think they want me around.Tripper: You talkin’ about the soccer heads back there?Tripper: Well, that’s life in the fast-paced slam-bang, live-on-the-razor’s-edge, laugh-in-the-face-of-death world of junior league soccer.

Tripper: Important announcement – Some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you’re hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.

Spaz: What’s cookin’ good lookin’?Girl Camper: Your fly’s undone.
[laugh]Tripper: Hey Spaz, I was watchin’ you out there. Looked like you had a chance there for a second.

Stripes

[after a shoe shine]John Winger: I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.

John Winger: My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.

John Winger: [to the soldiers in his platoon] We’re soldiers; but we’re American soldiers. We’ve been kickin’ ass for 200 years. We’re 10 and 1.

Sergeant Hulka: Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let’s hear your story.John Winger: Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it’s not just the uniform. It’s the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.
[points to the soldier next to him]John Winger: Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I’m gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn’t always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe… Sergeant Hulka.
[the soldiers start clapping]Sergeant Hulka: Well, okay, hotshot. We’re gonna see what kind of soldier you are.

Psycho: The name’s Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I’ll kill you.Leon: Ooooooh.Psycho: You just made the list, buddy. And I don’t like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I’ll kill you. Also, I don’t like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I’ll kill you.Sergeant Hulka: Lighten up, Francis.

Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals?John Winger: [John and Russell look at each other] You mean, like, flaming, or…Recruiter: Well, it’s a standard question we have to ask.Russell Ziskey: No, we’re not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*.John Winger: Yeah, would they send us someplace special?Recruiter: I guess that’s “no” on both. Now if you could just give Uncle Sam your autograph…

Sergeant Hulka: We got a full day ahead of us. We’re gonna start out with a five-mile run.
[Soldiers groan]John Winger: I know that I’m speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.Sergeant Hulka: Well, I’ll tell you what, soldier. Let’s make it ten miles.

Russell Ziskey: [while Winger is doing push ups for the bet with Ziskey] I think you’re ready for the Special Olympics…

Airplane

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Elaine Dickinson: There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.Rumack: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

Rumack: The last thing he said to me, “Doc,” he said, “some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don’t know where I’ll be then, Doc,” he said, “but I won’t smell too good, that’s for sure.”Ted Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.

[an epidemic of food poisoning is sweeping the plane]Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What’s going on?Rumack: I’m not sure. I haven’t seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.

Rex Kramer: [talking to Steve McCroskey] Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can.
[to Striker]Rex Kramer: Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?Ted Striker: No, never.Rex Kramer: [to McCroskey, with the microphone still on] Shit! This is a God damn waste of time! There’s no way he can land this plane!

Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.Male announcer: [later] The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone.Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There’s never stopping in a white zone.Female announcer: Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!Male announcer: Listen Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again.
[Later]Male announcer: There’s just no stopping in a white zone.Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.Male announcer: It’s really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there’s no danger involved.

Caddyshack

Sandy: I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!Carl Spackler: Correct me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they’re gonna lock me up and throw away the key…Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents* -!Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don’t even have to have a reason. All right, let’s do the same thing, but with gophers -!

Carl Spackler: He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

Judge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.Smoke Porterhouse: Yes judge, right away judge.

Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.

Tony D’Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he’ll have another drink, because it’s nobody’s goddamned business how much he’s had already.Judge Smails: Wrong, you’re drinking too much your Excellency.Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name’s Fred and I’m a man, same as you.Judge Smails: You’re not a man, you’re a bishop, for God’s sakes.Bishop: There is no God…

Judge Smails: Danny, I’m having a party this weekend.
[pauses a beat]Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out… You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean… You know who that guy was Danny?Danny Noonan: No.Ty Webb: Take one good guess.Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?Ty Webb: Ha ha… No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.

I think there is a gene hardwired in us guys that provides us with the ability to remember movie quotes or sports stats from any decade. However, in conjunction with this hard-wire we tend to miss the ‘other’ important dates such as: wedding anniversaries, birthdays and even to pick up the kids from the soccer game on time. (hypothetically)

It’s all about the movie quotes and I have no idea why, even as a guy.

5 comments on “Why do I like so many stupid movies? The answer is simple, the funny movie quotes”

I loved every single one of these movies. I’ll admit though, I’m horrible at movie quotes. I feel a little left out when my family, wife even, or all my buddies are throwing them around. Guess it’s like memorizing bible verses for some people. Funny and entertaining as it may be, you have to wonder if you just used up the brain cells that had any chance of curing cancer or convincing the leaders of the world to strive for peace. Then again, like me, if you’re watching these you probably stand zero chance of changing the world in a positive way.

Loved this post! I’m a huge fan of actual bad movies. Here’s a link to my bad movie page -we seem to have the same sense of humor so you might get a kick out of it (I’m not trying to be a spammer so feel free to edit out the link if you like. ) http://glitternight.com/bad-movies/