This Week In Crimes Against Cookie Butter

This Week In Crimes Against Cookie Butter

Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing, as we’ve seen in food news this week. We’re by no means averse to the wave of cookie butters, inspired by the Belgian original, hitting markets left and right. We actually wrote and illustrated a guide to making cookie butter out of any cookie you have around, except Oreos…interestingly enough. But everyone has to draw a hard line sometimes. Welcome to the week in excessive crimes against this sweet, spreadable substitute for love.

Cookie Butter Oreos

If Oreo thinks they’ll ever truly outdo their original filling flavor — I call it “white” — they’ve got another thing coming. The Nabisco flagship cookie has been born over and over again in various incarnations: Swedish Fish, Peanut Butter Cup, Pumpkin Spice, Dunkin’ Donuts Mocha. And now, as part of its #myOreocreation campaign, they’re letting fans pick custom batches like avocado and unicorn (so…a sweeter horse-flavor?) The latest purported flavor: cookie butter. Oreo hasn’t confirmed that a cookie-filled cookie-flavored cookie is in the works, but don’t be surprised if they roll out in the next few months. Remember: always keep milk on-hand in case of an overdose.

Cookie Butter Cake at Olive Garden

This week, Olive Garden added cookie butter cake to its dessert menu. The layer cake subs out frosting filling for cookie butter, sports an additional caramel drizzle and will run you $9.99 and 540 calories per slice. How you’ll have room for this raging diabetes monster after a Never Ending Pasta Bowl (plus soup or salad and breadsticks, naturally) is anyone’s guess. Frosting was doing just fine, okay? It wasn’t hurting anyone or pretending to be anything other than sugar and butter whipped into a soft, spreadable canvas for sprinkles. If you frost a cake with cookie butter, it will look like a big circle of shit. Good luck serving that at a kid’s birthday party. You know they eat with their eyes.

Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Cream Cheese

Business Insider posted a pretty cool list of the best cheeses to buy at Trader Joe’s. Unfortunately, cookie butter cream cheese is on that list. And truth be told, Joe stopped being a trader and started being a magnate after he had to start limiting the villagers’ jars of cookie butter and bags of frozen cauliflower rice to two apiece. What benefit could there possibly be to diluting cookie butter with cream cheese (and vice versa?) Aside from cheesecake, which also doesn’t need cookies to be good — a running theme of this list — what culinary use could cookie butter cream cheese possibly have? I’m honestly asking, please, enlighten me in the comments. If I’m missing out on the greatest dip for baby carrots known to mankind, I need to know.