A professional author who's been Out and Proud, openly gay, for many years, answers questions about the gay community for his gay brothers and sisters and other interested parties.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Watch Out for "Ricochet Ronnie"

I met this very nice guy who had just ended a relationship of several years. I found him very attractive and he seemed to feel the same. He constantly sent me emails and text messages, telling me how much he liked me, how he couldn't wait to get together, how terrific I was, and I followed suit, although I may have been a little more reticent as we had just met and I didn't want to appear too anxious; he was also a bit younger than me. The last time we saw each other everything went great, he texted again that he wanted to do all sorts of things in the future -- and I never heard from him again. I know he's alive but he doesn't respond to emails or anything else. I still can't figure out what happened. Can you give me any insight as to why guys just disappear without a word? He talked all the time about how awful the ex-lover was so I don't think he went back to him. Thank you.

My guess is that you had the misfortune of runninginto a Ricochet or Rebound Ronnie as I and many other fellows have. Those are guys who have been in long-term relationships that have ended for one reason or another. They used to do everything with the lover, but now the lover is gone and they find themselves alone. Often these guys cling to someone who is amiable, willing to listen to them sound off about the ex [and it sounds as if you were], and enjoys spending time with them, doing things they can no longer do with the lover. The trouble is, these guys often just need time to acclimate themselves to being single again, being out in the dating pool -- in a sense you were holding his hand until he felt able to go out cruising and circulating on his own. It's not that he didn't like you, but that the relationship he ended was so awful that he just isn't ready for another one yet. The hard part is that during that initial phase the "clinginess" manifests itself as many calls and texts and so on as he anxiously makes it clear that he wants to spend time with you -- until he panics because you're getting too close. In other words, these guys lead you on [innocently, in most cases] and then drop you when they no longer need you. Possibly he met somebody he likes better; possibly he just wants to play the field.
Some guys just don't know how to break up with somebody; in not wanting to hurt you, he hurts you even more.

However, there is really no excuse for someone not giving you a little closure. His abruptly ending things without even attempting an explanation [I mean, how difficult is it to send a fucking e-mail if you're embarrassed to do it face to face?] or returning your concerned and confused messages tells you -- as does all those texts -- that he isn't very mature, responsible, or even -- when all is said and done -- kind. I mean, we're talking about a man you knew and dated, not a disembodied photo on a dating sight. In other words, you dodged a bullet, so get on with your life, forget him, and meet somebody -- hopefully someone not on the rebound -- who will treat you with a little more class.

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