Kater

99

Possession on my house -our house -was this past Tuesday. It took us nearly 6 months of house hunting to find this one. It was love at first sight. I am not much for material things, but I loved this house as did he. We often sat in it marvelling that it was really our house. The decision to sell it was difficult, but I have to say in those final days of packing I was so sick of it all that I just wanted to be done and out. I have not really lived in it since September as I have been on a year off. I feel I did a lot of my grieving for leaving prior to. But it really is hard. As has been mentioned, it is not just a house but a home full of memories and hopes and dreams. I get that it is the end of a chapter that we didn’t want to end. I told someone that we only moved in in May 2013 (he died Dec 2015) and it was supposed to be our forever house. They pointed out that for DH, it was his forever home. I do like that idea.

Thank you for bumping. I have not seen this before. Thought it was great so posted it to FB for my fellow wids there. Didn't take long before the helicopter showed up. "you're so brave" "I am in awe of you", etc. And then my favorite, "this is a good analogy for life's journey, not just grief". Sigh. When will I learn that people don't get it, they won't get it and many don't even care to try. (I did have one friend thank me for posting as she said it was helpful to try to understand what people go through when they lose someone so close). I know it doesn't matter but for some reason it kind of does....

Sending you hugs, Maureen.
As we all know, time is so altered now. I just passed the 2 year anniversary, so that means when I lost S, you were about where I am time wise. It’s still so odd to me how raw and recent it feels sometimes, and at other times, it feels like another life ago. When I was new to this, I would have thought 4 years was a long time. Now I know the number in front of “years” means little.
I hope all the best for you.
K.

I am in the middle of my "run away" year Although I prefer to call it my "figuring out what the he!! I'm supposed to do with my life now" year.
Like you, I don't really have much responsibility and so was able to take a one year leave of absence from work. I pushed through for about a year and a half without a break after S died (funeral was on Friday, back to work on the following Monday) and I was tired. I having a hard time caring about anything, my job included, and it was starting to show. However, since I teach at University, I have 4 months off in the summer anyway, so my time off really is 16 months in total. I am 6 months into it.
Learning how to really be on my own was part of the objective of the year. I am currently in a city where I know nobody. I am taking a yoga teacher training course and am teaching one class at the University (trying to see what life is like here and whether I might want to move), so I have social interaction almost daily. Honestly, I am starting to enjoy this time to myself. Of course, with technology, it is easy to keep in touch with family and friends, but I am finding less and less desire to do so. I'm all about connecting and visiting with people, so I'm surprised, and frankly, a bit concerned, that I am becoming this comfortable on my own. Now...in the interest of full disclosure...I am in a new'ish relationship, however, he is in a different city so we don't see each other often but we do talk everyday, so I am not really feeling isolated because of that.
People have asked me why I picked this city. A few years back, S and I were talking about moving further west and this was one of the cities that was on our list as a possibility. In fact, this would have been about the time we would have been thinking of moving. I do have many moments when I think that we were supposed to be here together.
I have only made arrangements to be here until the end of December. Really have no idea where I'll be after this. Good chance, part of the time will be spent packing up "our" house and putting it up for sale. Not even sure, at this point, that I will return to my home, which means leaving a good job and my community of friends. Everything is up in the air at this moment.
So did it help? I don't know yet but it felt necessary. It has given me some space to think about what I really want out of life, what is important and what isn't and to know that I can be OK on my own.
Good luck with your decision.
Kate

Thank you for updating us and for the beautiful words about him. I too had communicated with him privately from time to time. He really was a special man.
Just 3 weeks ago I arrived in Victoria, BC where I will be until the end of the year. We had planned to connect while I was here and yesterday I had a very strong thought that I should text him to let him know I was here. I am deeply saddened by this news. Once again it is a reminder to not take a single day for granted.
Kate

Your comment about smelling her perfume making your knees give out reminded me that I had the exact same experience. My husband was rather well known for his great smelling cologne. I often squirted a bit on my hand so I could smell it throughout the day.
I used to write him a letter every day before bed. Sometimes it was at 1 or 2 in the morning. I'd get really tired writing then could easily fall asleep. It felt like I got to tell him about my day, and was a little bit like that end of the day conversation.
I am sorry for your loss. It all just sucks.
Kate

Got my first (and only, so far!) at 46 in memory. It is on my wrist. Love love love it. No regrets. In fact, just today I was looking at it and thinking how happy I am with it.
Thinking about a second "this too shall pass". This is a saying my grandma and mom have used many times. For me now it is a reminder that everything in life is temporary. The good is that the really awful, dark moments of life will pass, so just hold on and wait but the good passes too, so notice and appreciate what you have while you have it. Just need to decide on a spot.....
Good luck with your decision.
Kate

i just passed 15 months and have not gotten rid of his clothes (I relocated things out of the dresser but still have them). Coats still fill the hall closet. His shoes take up most of the shoe rack in the garage. His half of the closet is as it was. There are some hooks in the closet and it took me a year to take his pj pants off the hook he left them on his last time at home. I was just thinking yeasterday that I might tackle packing things up soon, but I don't want to yet. So I will leave the idea and revisit it when it comes up next time.
4 months is very, very early in this process. At 15 months sometimes I feel like I am just getting started. Do things as you feel ready for them, even if that is longer than you thought or expected it would be.
Sending you hugs.
Kate

Oh my. The fact that there were new posts added to this topic that brought it to the list of "Unread" posts today is a co-incidence I needed. I just finished meeting with my boss and requested a one year leave from work (after this term ends in April). I haven't really nailed down yet what I want to do with the year. I have some ideas, but up until an hour ago, they were just that. Now that I have the OK at work, I need to transform some ideas into plans. I've talked to many people about my idea for a year off. They all express how exciting it is. Frankly, I am not really excited at all. It just feels like what I need to do to figure out this life that is in front of me. A life that I don't really want; that isn't a result of any actions or choices I have made. A life that was dropped in my lap. So now to figure out what to do with it.
I am slightly terrified. Worried a bit about money (I've been asked a few times if I can afford it....wouldn't be thinking about it if I couldn't). Wondering how it will feel to be venturing out on my own without S beside me.
Well, as scary, or exciting, or whatever it may be, the trigger has been pulled, so here I go.
Thanks for some inspiration, Milojka.
Kate

I got a memorial tattoo about 8 months after S died. I can't explain it - nor do I need to - but I felt a lessening of my grief from it. I don't know if it's because I have a visible reminder so I know I will never forget (like I ever would but that does seem to be a thing I worried about in some part of my brain). It's on my wrist. I love it and I love that I see it all the time. Even though I am 46, an accountant and a University teacher, nobody has offered a negative opinion. I thought in those peer groups there might be a few of them. Honestly, I think tattoos are becoming so common and visible, it's a non issue.
I do call it my "gateway" tattoo as I now have some ideas for another one....ok maybe two.....three? Oh boy.

This was posted by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore on Facebook. She lost a child years ago. Although a different loss from ours, I find many of her posts are beautiful and deal with grief in general.
May you rise strong out of the ashes
With the fire of loss in your belly
and the tenderness of love guiding your heart.
May you carry that love with the ferocity of a warrior,
a love of extraordinary force that knows no boundaries, no limits.
May you bravely face the questions of others who do not and cannot know,
And with a mighty voice speak your truth,
And with quivering legs stand tall
And despite the fear in your heart,
May you turn toward your own sage soul with reluctant trust.
May you feel held by the arms of others who have known this loss through history
And may the wisdom of the ages carry you in solidarity
through all the dark nights you will face.
And when you fall, may you fall back into the shadowwith compassion, courage,
and the resolve to rise again.
And again. And again.

Hi Rebecca. I am sorry for your loss but glad you found this site. It has been an important resource for me in navigating life after loss.
My husband died suddenly of a heart attack just over a year ago while we were visiting family in my hometown. What I found really difficult was not being able to talk to him, to say what I wanted to say but didn't get the chance to. What helped me was to write him letters. Initially, I wrote everyday. Sometimes twice a day if I had something I wanted to tell him that popped up. It's much less often now, but I still do it.
Lots of good advice already mentioned here. Be very kind and patient with yourself. This is a long process. I went back to work very soon after (it was the right decision for me, but that's different for everyone), but all I required of myself for the first few months was to get my job done, and keep me and my dog alive (although she mattered more to me than I did). I would literally just sit on my couch for hours some days doing nothing but thinking and trying to process. Grieving is exhausting, so take advantage of others help where it is offered.
Take care. Sending you a hug.
Kate

Love this thread. Thanks, Maureen for starting it.
I think 2017 is going to be big. I hope not too big. I have mostly decided to spend May and June in Manhattan just because I love it there and when will I ever be able to do that again? Then I think I am going to take the next academic year off (assuming I can. Still need to talk to them at work and arrange it) and spend some time in a couple of cities that I am looking to move to. Maybe teach one course at the college/university in each semester, maybe do a yoga teacher training course, maybe do nothing..... Some days it feels like too much to organize. It would be easier to stay where I am and keep doing life as I have been. But I want to feel the fear and do it anyway....I think....
I hope 2017 brings something positive for everyone here.

Julestar, I am with you. I was out of town for about 8 days around Christmas. Back at my parents house, which is where my husband had his heart attack last Dec 27. So, it's been an exhausting week of 1st Christmas, 1 year sadiversary, visiting when I sometimes didn't really want to, and a 9 hour car ride home yesterday. I came home earlier than planned and haven't told anyone that I am home. Looking forward to a quiet night by myself for some rest and reflection.
A bit of a side note....for many years my husband managed a pub and fmany other years worked in catering. We rearely spent NYE together as it was a busy work night for him. I would sometimes hang with some friends, but often I was content to use the evening to be with myself, to journal, reflect on the year that was and what goals I might want to work towards for the upcoming year. Looking forward to returning to that plan this year.
Kate

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Widda is slang for widow/er. It was derived at one of our widdabagos (gathering of widow/ers) in Missouri along with the idea for the logo. By the time this website came about, the logo had already been created, so the domain name was registered and the website was created. It worked out pretty nicely. :)