Thursday, February 2

I did not actually get to box today. Although I was really looking froward to beating the SH*T out of something, alas it was not to be. Today I met Bobby, my new personal trainer and boxing coach. She's a cool lady. When I walked into the gym it felt like home. It was instantly comfortable. Which is good because I will be spending a lot of time there over the next few months. Nora was welcome and it just felt good.

The first day was about filling out paper work and doing a fitness test to see exactly where I am starting from.
Bobby had me do push ups and sit ups, I got weighed and we took "before" pictures. It was rad! And yes, by rad I mean completely horrifying and totally devastating. Apparently it was not enough for her to look at my over sized body to see how out of shape I was. She needed scientific, mathematical physical and photographic evidence of it. It was a feel good start. I have easily put on 20 pounds since October and I am anxiously looking forward to returning it to the universe.

Among other things Bobby asked me what are my personal goals. It was interesting being asked personal and thought provoking questions about my body. She asked me to think about my answers and bring back my paper tomorrow.

So here they are Bobby. My goals and what I hope to personally achieve from taking boxing.
1- I need a healthy and physical way to handle and relieve my stress and frustrations. In a way that will help me avoid legal action or incarceration.

2-I want to fit into my nice jeans again. I want to wear my pretty clothes and be able to tuck things in and wear belts. I want to wear my clothes again, not need them to hide things.

3- I have Nora now. I want her to know that there are ways to take care of yourself physically and emotionally that are not self destructive. I want to teach my girl that her body is only one part of her, and that her worth is not related to the shape that body holds. Hopefully in this process I will learn that for myself as well.
I know that my voice on this topic is hardly going to be the loudest or the one she listens to the most. But I figure if mine starts the earliest and is the most constant, it might stand a chance.

4- Health. I am ashamed that this reason is not higher on my list of importance, but it's not. As long as it's on the list at all I think it's good.

5-And Lastly, I want to look like Pink does in this video. That is not asking too much.

J

Today:

I am grateful for fresh starts and days that I can do over, and Tylenol for cry headaches and for water.

I am grateful for feeling hopeful. For being able to except things are the way they are.