Category Archives: Religion

Two nuns decide they’re going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the
town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they’ve finally got to head back
to the convent.
To enter the convent’s grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start
crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they’re crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I feel like
a Marine.”
The second replies, “Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?”

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father’s business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they
celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she
said, “Sammy, since you’re Jewish, I guess your family didn’t celebrate Christmas.”
Sammy replied, “Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register
singing, ‘What A Friend We Have In Jesus.’”

A dying man called in a rabbi and a priest and tells them he is giving each 1 million dollars but they have to put the money in his grave.
Two weeks later the man dies, and at the funeral each one puts in the grave a bag with their million dollars.
After the funeral the priest tells the Rabbi; “you know I have to be honest I only put in $900,000 and kept $100,000 for myself.”
The Rabbi responds; “how could you break your promise?”
The priest responds; “you mean to tell me you put in all the money?”
The Rabbi responds; “yep I wrote a check for every last penny and put it in the grave!!!!!”

Three men of the cloth — a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi — were
counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up
with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one
synagogue) and themselves (the clerics’ weekly income).
The priest was the first to speak: “I know what! I’ll draw a line down the middle of the
sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is
for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us.”
The Baptist minister cried, “No! No! No! I’ll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary,
toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever
falls outside the circle is for us.”
The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this
suggestion: “What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever
God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours.”

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do
something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed, he said,
“Brothers and Sisters, I don’t like to have to do this, but there is a man in the
congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner’s wife, and if there is not at
least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.”
Later, as he counted the money, he found 20 five-dollar bills, and a two-dollar bill with a
note that read, “Forever hold your peace, I’ll have that other three dollars before
sundown.”

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to
church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and
told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his
brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank
up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the
pulpit and said:
“I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his
hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which
they were given.”