The secret sex life of tennis

OK, so maybe it’s not the first sport you think of when it comes to sex appeal. But look a little closer and you’d be surprised at how much sex there is in tennis. (Though will someone please tell Rafael Nadal that biting trophies doesn’t make anyone think of sex, and actually just makes us all a little bit uncomfortable?)

Roger Federer’s Cardigan: The world champion basically gave the cardigan back its sex appeal — which had been missing ever since Mr. Rogers first donned a cardigan. We happen to think this is a good thing.

Mixed Doubles: Hello, best euphemism ever for swinging! Also, we can’t think of a better way to segue into a little casual spouse-swapping with the neighbors. It’s sweaty foreplay.

The Grunters: If you close your eyes during a match between players like Serena and Venus Williams, Maria Sharapova or Nadal, you could swear you were watching a porno. We’re pretty sure that at least one person out there on the Internet gets off on doing this.

The Housewife’s Tennis Coach: The tan young tennis coach clad in all-white is eternally appealing to rich housewives the world over, if you believe the hundreds of novels, movies and TV shows that have used this cliché as a plot device.

Love Means Nothing: In a game where “love” literally means nothing… then sex has to mean everything, right?

Justin Timberlake’s Booty Call Metaphor: “[Sex is] a physical act, like playing tennis,” Timberlake said in FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (2011). “Two people should be able to have sex like they’re playing tennis.” Mila Kunis responds, “Yeah! I mean, no one wants to go away for the weekend after they play tennis.” Justin: “It’s just a game. You shake hands, you get on with your shit.” From this point on in the movie, “Wanna play tennis?” is their code for a booty call.

Ball Boys and Ball Girls: It just sounds dirty, OK? And that’s as far as we’re willing to go, given that most of them are underage.

Boris Becker in the Broom Closet: Who could forget how the German champion impregnated a waitress during a quickie in a broom closet in a London restaurant? (Though we’d like to forget that this happened while his pregnant wife was in the hospital with early contractions.)

Andre Agassi’s Shaved Head: Even before we knew that Agassi’s bushy mane was a wig, we weren’t a fan. But when he just said screw it and shaved his balding head — now that kind of confidence has sex appeal.

The Desperate Housewife’s Excuse: “Sex is like tennis,” Edie (Nicollette Sheridan) says when Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) accuses her of just lying there during sex. “When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers.” To which Carlos responds (of course), “Are you challenging me to a rematch?”

Anna Kournikova: We know… yawn. But we suppose we have to include her.

Is That a Ball in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me? You know those closeup shots of the male players’ shorts when the ball for the second serve is stretching their pocket tight? Are we the only ones who think that looks a little, you know, chubby?

The Williams Sisters: They might not get the wolf whistles on court that Sharapova, et. al. do, but they redefined what it means to play like a girl, and that’s hotter than any short white skirt.

Dirtballer: It’s a slang term for a clay court specialist. Of course it is.