The Best Quotations From Ann Coulter’s 2009 Columns (62 Quotes)

When the Obama family materialized, the media was seized by a mass psychosis that hadn’t been witnessed since Beatlemania. OK! magazine raved that the Obamas “are such an all-American family that they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional.” Yes, who can forget the madcap episode when the Bradys’ wacky preacher tells them the government created AIDS to kill blacks!

The media’s fawning over Obama knew no bounds, and yet, in the midst of the most incredible media conspiracy to turn this jug-eared clodhopper into some combination of Winston Churchill and a young Elvis, you were being a bore if you mentioned the liberal media. Oh surely we’ve exploded that old chestnut. … Look! Look, Obama just lit up another Marlboro! Geez, does smoking make you look cool, or what! Yeah, Obama!

Let’s compare murders by veterans to murders by other 18- to 35-year-olds in the U.S. population at large. From 1976 to 2005, 18- to 24-year-olds — both male and more gentle females — committed homicide at a rate of 29.9 per 100,000. Twenty-five- to 35-year-olds committed homicides at a rate of 15.8 per 100,000.

Since 9/11, about 1.6 million troops have served in either Iraq or Afghanistan. That makes the homicide rate among veterans of these wars 7.6 per 100,000 — or about one-third the homicide rate for their age group (18 to 35) in the general population of both sexes.

As I describe in my new book, “Guilty: Liberal ‘Victims’ and Their Assault on America,” controlling for socioeconomic status, race and place of residence, the strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison is that he was raised by a single parent. (The second strongest factor is owning a Dennis Kucinich bumper sticker.)

By 1996, 70 percent of inmates in state juvenile detention centers serving long-term sentences were raised by single mothers. Seventy percent of teenage births, dropouts, suicides, runaways, juvenile delinquents and child murderers involve children raised by single mothers. Girls raised without fathers are more sexually promiscuous and more likely to end up divorced.

A 1990 study by the left-wing Progressive Policy Institute showed that, after controlling for single motherhood, the difference in black and white crime disappeared.

Various studies come up with slightly different numbers, but all the figures are grim. A study cited in the far left-wing Village Voice found that children brought up in single-mother homes “are five times more likely to commit suicide, nine times more likely to drop out of high school, 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances, 14 times more likely to commit rape (for the boys), 20 times more likely to end up in prison, and 32 times more likely to run away from home.”

In a comprehensive study of all public multiple shooting incidents in America between 1977 and 1999, economists John Lott and Bill Landes found that the only public policy that reduced both the incidence and casualties of such shootings were concealed-carry laws. Not only are there 60 percent fewer gun massacres after states adopt concealed-carry laws, but the death and injury rate of such rampages are reduced by 80 percent.

How about some articles on all the nice middle-class smokers whose fathers served in World War II and took them to Mass? Only when describing aberrant social behavior do Times writers even recognize what normality is, much less speak of it admiringly.

If a pregnant woman smokes or drinks, we blame her. But if a woman decides to have a fatherless child, we praise her as brave — even though the outcome for the child is much worse.

Then there is the Times’ reversal of cause and effect, which manages to exonerate the single mother while turning her into a victim: “The biggest reason that children born to unmarried mothers tend to have problems — they’re more likely to drop out of school and commit crimes — is that they tend to grow up poor.” First, the reason the children “tend to grow up poor” is that their mothers considered it unnecessary to have a primary bread-earner in the family.

Robert Kennedy famously said: “There are those who look at things the way they are and ask, ‘Why?’ I dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?'” The new liberal version is: There are those who look at things and ask, “Why on earth should the government be paying for that?” I dream of things that never were funded by the government and ask, “Why not?”

Obama is becoming the Cal Ripken Jr. of presidents, making history every time he suits up for a game. Recently, Obama also became the first African-American president to order a ham sandwich late at night from the White House kitchen! That’s going to get old pretty quick. But as long as the nation is obsessed with historic milestones, is no one going to remark on what a great country it is where a mentally retarded woman can become speaker of the house?

After claiming that the disastrous stimulus bill would create or save 3.5 million jobs — “more than 90 percent” in the private sector — Obama then enumerated a long list of exclusively government jobs that would be “saved.” He was suspiciously verbose about saving the jobs of public schoolteachers. Because nothing says “economic stimulus” better than saving the jobs of lethargic incompetents who kick off at 2 p.m. every day and get summers off. Actually, that’s not fair: Some teachers spend long hours after school having sex with their students.

As with the Clintons, Obama so earnestly believes in public school education that he sends his girls to … an expensive private school.

Apparently, nothing irritates public schoolteachers more than being asked to teach. While 80 percent of the employees of private schools are teachers, only half the employees of public schools are. The rest are “coordinating,” “facilitating” or “empowering” something or other.

While American fourth-graders are bested only by South Korea and Japan in science, by 12th grade, the only countries the American students can beat are Lithuania, Cyprus and South Africa.

Howard Dean, then-chairman of the Democratic National Committee, touted Biden as “a good example of a working-class kid,” adding that, to this day, Biden was “one of the least wealthy members of the U.S. Senate.” Only a Democrat would list “never really made anything of myself” on his resume.

According to tax returns for Biden and his public schoolteacher wife, in 2006, their total income was $248,459; in 2007, it was $319,853 — putting the couple in the top 1 percent of all earners in the U.S. This, my friends, is the face of poverty in America. At least in the Democratic Party.

But for my younger readers, what courage traditionally meant was risking the disapprobation of people you know. It was about losing friends, losing work and losing status where you live — not alienating people you will never meet. Insulting people in Kansas when you live in Los Angeles is not speaking truth to power; it’s speaking anything to serve power.

How did Republicans get saddled with Wall Street? Obama just got the biggest campaign haul from Wall Street in world history, and Republicans still can’t shake the public perception that they are tied at the hip to Wall Street bankers who hate them. It’s as if National Rifle Association members conspired with Republicans to bankrupt the country and everyone blamed the Democrats for being shills of the NRA.

Democrats have a beautiful system: They’re showered with Wall Street money, but they also get to pillory Republicans for being the party of “Wall Street.” The bankers don’t care if Democrats attack them. They still get their bailout money.

It’s something in liberals’ DNA: They think they can pass a law eliminating guns and nuclear weapons, but teenagers having sex is completely beyond our control.

How much would you have to raise taxes before any of Obama’s constituents noticed? They don’t pay taxes, they engage in “tax-reduction” strategies, they work for the government, or they’re too rich to care. (Or they have off-shore tax shelters, like George Soros.)

In June 2002, the liberal American Prospect magazine called California a “laboratory” for Democratic policies, noting that “California is the only one of the nation’s 10 largest states that is uniformly under Democratic control.” They said this, mind you, as if it were a good thing. In California, the article proclaimed, “the next new deal is in tryouts.” As they say in show biz: “Thanks, we’ll call you. Next!” In just a few years, Democrats had turned California into a state — or as it’s now known, a “job-free zone” — with a $41 billion deficit, a credit rating that was slashed to junk-bond status and a middle class now located in Arizona.

Every time (My mother would) see me, even after just a few days’ absence, she’d hug me as if I had been lost in the Himalayan Mountains for the past 20 years.

Without any pretense of an argument, which liberals are neurologically incapable of, the mainstream media are now asserting that our wussy interrogation techniques at Guantanamo constituted “torture” and have irreparably harmed America’s image abroad.

The CIA’s interrogation techniques couldn’t be more ridiculous if they were out of Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition sketch:

Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! …
Hmm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch … THE COMFY CHAIR!

So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! …

Now — you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11.

Even (abortion) supporters are embarrassed by the exercise of this right. They won’t practice the right in public — they won’t even call abortion by its name, preferring to use a string of constantly changing euphemisms, such as “reproductive health” and “choice.” It would be as if gun owners refused to use the word “gun” and the NRA’s motto were, “Let’s all work together to keep hunting safe, legal and rare.”

But all liberals only have empathy for the exact same victims — always the ones that are represented by powerful liberal interest groups.

After aggressively blocking Estrada’s nomination to a federal appeals court during Bush’s first term solely on the grounds that he is Hispanic and was likely headed for the Supreme Court — according to Senate Democrat staff memos — now Democrats have the audacity to rave that Sotomayor will be the first Hispanic Supreme Court justice!

In a country with approximately 150 million pro-lifers, five abortionists have been killed since Roe v. Wade. In that same 36 years, more than 49 million babies have been killed by abortionists. Let’s recap that halftime score, sports fans: 49 million to five.

Delusionally, Obama bragged about his multiculti worldview, saying, “I reject the view of some in the West that a woman who chooses to cover her hair is somehow less equal.” In Saudi Arabia, Iran, Afghanistan and other Muslim countries, women “choose” to cover their heads on pain of losing them.

Whether it is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Weather Underground, Central Park rapists, Mumia Abu-Jamal, Jim Jones and the People’s Temple, welfare recipients, Palestinian terrorists, murderers, abortionists, strippers or common criminals — liberals always take the side of the enemies of civilization against civilization.

Liberals desperately want race quotas — as long as quotas never come to their offices. But they can’t say that, so instead they talk in circles for 10 hours straight, until everyone else is exhausted, and then, when no one is paying attention, they announce: So we’re all agreed — we will have racial quotas.

Memos from the Democratic staff of the Judiciary Committee were later unearthed, revealing that they considered Estrada “especially dangerous” — as stated in a memo by a Sen. Dick Durbin staffer — because “he is Latino and the White House seems to be grooming him for a Supreme Court appointment.”

Democrats treat judicial nominations like war — while Republicans keep being gracious, hoping Democrats will learn by example.

All the problems with the American health care system come from government intervention, so naturally the Democrats’ idea for fixing it is more government intervention. This is like trying to sober up by having another drink.

The reason seeing a doctor is already more like going to the DMV, and less like going to the Apple “Genius Bar,” is that the government decided health care was too important to be left to the free market. Yes — the same free market that has produced such a cornucopia of inexpensive goods and services that, today, even poor people have cell phones and flat-screen TVs.

Even two decades after the collapse of liberals’ beloved Soviet Union, they can’t grasp that it’s easier and cheaper to obtain any service provided by capitalism than any service provided under socialism.

Isn’t food important? Why not “universal food coverage”? If politicians and employers had guaranteed us “free” food 50 years ago, today Democrats would be wailing about the “food crisis” in America, and you’d be on the phone with your food care provider arguing about whether or not a Reuben sandwich with fries was covered under your plan.

You could not ask for a more perfect illustration of the thesis of my latest book, Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America, than the black president of the United States attacking a powerless white cop for arresting a black Harvard professor — in a city with a black mayor and a state with a black governor — as the professor vacations in Martha’s Vineyard.

In modern America, the alleged “victim” is always really the aggressor, and the alleged “aggressor” is always the true victim.

Show me RNC Chairman Michael Steele saying “I believe the birthers” and I’ll give 10 percent of my book profits to Air America, raising their profits to — let’s see … about 10 percent of my book profits.

Throughout the presidential campaign last year, liberals were champing at the bit to accuse Americans of racism for not supporting Barack Obama. That was a tough argument on account of the obvious facts that: (1) for every vote he lost because he’s black, Obama picked up another 20 votes for being black; (2) Obama won the election in (3) a country that’s 87 percent non-black.

It’s the famous liberal two-step: First screw something up, then claim that it’s screwed up because there’s not enough government oversight (it’s the free market run wild!), and then step in and really screw it up in the name of “reform.”

Apparently, promising to cut costs by having a panel of Washington bureaucrats (for short, “The Death Panel”) deny medical treatment wasn’t a popular idea with most Americans. So liberals started claiming that they are going to cover an additional 47 million uninsured Americans and cut costs … without ever denying a single medical treatment! Also on the agenda is a delicious all-you-can-eat chocolate cake that will actually help you lose weight! But first, let’s go over the specs for my perpetual motion machine — and it uses no energy, so it’s totally green!

Wise (and pregnant) Latinas dash across the border just in time to give birth at American hospitals — medical services paid for by U.S. taxpayers — gaining instant citizenship for their children, thereby entitling them to the entire Chinese menu of American welfare programs. In 2004, 42.6 percent of all babies born at taxpayer expense in California were born to illegal aliens, according to a state report on Medi-Cal-funded deliveries. In hospitals close to the Mexican border, the figure is closer to 80 percent.

Imagine how much worse our public schools would look — assuming that were possible — if we allowed other countries to exclude one-half of their worst performers! That’s exactly what liberals are doing when they tout America’s rotten infant mortality rate compared to other countries. They look for any category that makes our medical care look worse than the rest of the world — and then neglect to tell us that the rest of the world counts our premature and low birth-weight babies as “miscarriages.”

As long as American liberals are going to keep announcing that they’re embarrassed for their country, how about being embarrassed by our public schools or by our ridiculous trial lawyer culture that other countries find laughable?

It’s always something with the Muslims. You either have mostly sane people governed by a crazy dictator — Iraq, Iran and Syria (also California and Michigan) — or a crazy people governed by relatively sane leaders — Pakistan and Afghanistan, post-U.S. invasion (also Vermont and Minnesota). There are also insane people ruled by insane leaders (but enough about the House Democratic Caucus). Sane people with sane rulers has not been fully tried yet.

But Democrats couldn’t care less about military strategy — at least any “strategy” that doesn’t involve allowing soldiers to date one another. To the extent you can get liberals to focus on national security at all, you will find they are rooting against their own country.

At least Fox News primetime hosts, and many of their guests, know something about politics. MSNBC’s primetime lineup presents an array of people who sound like earnest college kids who just walked up to a Common Cause table, and the sum-total of what they know about politics is what they read in the brochures.

The bloggers and Keith bring different skill sets to the game. They provide the tendentious half-truths, phony opinion polls and spurious social science, while Keith provides his booming baritone, gigantic “Guys and Dolls” suits and gift for ridiculous, fustian grandiloquence. Keith is far better equipped than, say, the pint-sized, girly-voiced, Frito Bandito-accented Markos Moulitsas to deliver the party line.

Which brings us right back to the question of whether the government or the free market provides better services at better prices. There are roughly 1 million examples of the free market doing a better job and the government doing a worse job. In fact, there is only one essential service the government does better: Keeping Dennis Kucinich off the streets.

“Diversity” is a difficulty to be overcome, not an advantage to be sought.

But liberals celebrate diversity only in the case of superficial characteristics like race, gender, sexual preference and country of origin. They reject diversity when we need it, such as in “diversity” of legal forums.

It’s always the same thing with primitive people — voodoo practitioners, rain dancers and liberals. In lieu of facts, debate and a weighing of the evidence, religious fanatics respond to all counterarguments by invoking a higher authority: the witch doctor, a “scientific consensus,” “the Constitution” or “historians are agreed.”

Milbank was employing the MSNBC motto, “In Other Words,” which provides the formula for 90 percent of the political commentary on that network. The MSNBC host quotes a Republican, then says “in other words,” translates the statement into something that would be stupid to say, and spends the next 10 minutes ridiculing the translated version. Which no one said. Except the host.

Medicare is like a $500 hamburger: I assume it’s good — it had better be — but no one would say, “THAT’S A FANTASTIC SUCCESS!”

Democrats could write a bill saying: “Assume we invent a magic pill that will make cars get 1,000 miles per gallon. Now, CBO, would that save money?” The CBO would have to conclude: Yes, that bill will save money.

Since Muslims took down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, in 1988, every attack on a commercial airliner has been committed by foreign-born Muslim men with the same hair color, eye color and skin color. Half of them have been named Mohammed. An alien from the planet “Not Politically Correct” would have surveyed the situation after 9/11 and said: “You are at war with an enemy without uniforms, without morals, without a country and without a leader — but the one advantage you have is they all look alike. … What? … What did I say?”

The government refuses to perform the only possibly effective security check — search Muslims — so instead it harasses infinitely compliant Americans. Will that help avert a terrorist attack? No, but the Americans don’t complain.