Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.Winston Churchill~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "MAN!!!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sending Telegrams

* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful inBED."

* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

* And the most famous of them all...

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.

Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs." "And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

Oh happy day.

I am off Wednesday and Thursday, so I'm thinking I probably won't go to work on those two days.

That makes today Friday for me. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

There are two birds in the tree outside my window that are making out, and fondling each other. Good grief!

GET A NEST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Sorry, I don't like looking at their little peckers.

If they were Love birds it might be different.

Sorry, where was I? I completely missed the big anniversary we had over the weekend. Did you guys catch it?

The 44th anniversary of the conspiracy of putting a man on the moon?

I think if that had really happened, they would have brought the man in the moon back, and jailed him for non payment of taxes for the last 4 billion years.

As Homer would say.......{{{DOH}}}

Have a happy day y'all.

joe

_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

Hey, Ana! Hope you are feeling better from your mishap! Enjoy your bike ride and run with your sweet dogs!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Monday evening for me....

Daughter's boyfriend has been working out of town for the last year, coming home only on weekends. Well, his company now has him working locally and he was able to move home over the weekend. Daughter is ecstatic, to say the least. Daughter, boyfriend, his parents, and Hubby and I are all going out for sushi on Wednesday to celebrate! It's good to have him home!

So.

To all abed, To all awake,

_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

Good morning everyone. Took Buddy to the vet yesterday for a lump on his back upper leg. The news was good. It's a fatty tumor and doesn't need to be removed. Today we will go to the store to get parts so hubby can fix the leaky bathroom facet. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Waffles, and French Toast in the NC.

Woke to thunderstorm this morning but it was relatively mild here unlike the rest of the country...didn't have to hide under the bed after all!

One cake down, to be collected this evening, and another one on the go for our grandson Kieran's 18th birthday tomorrow! 18, yikes! I feel old! Friday will be spent baking mini cupcakes for his party on Saturday, so looking forward to that...will be a gathering of the clans!

Have a great day guys!

Mary

_________________________
"It's not what you have in your lifebut who you have in your life that counts."

Good morning boomies! We had a doozy of a storm last night that dropped buckets of much needed rain. There were a few points I actually got up to look out the window because I was convinced the house would blow or float away.

Sorta, when you come in, I saw this and thought of you feeding your outdoorsies with the racoons: Racoon and kitties

Midgie, puppies have been hugged and your BB pancake plate is empty so I assume you found it. Although I did notice a few diners smelling of maple syrup but I won't name names.

SpaceQ, thanks! Have a great day!

Haroula, Gerry, Venus have a happy day!

Sue, hope all is well.

Connie, glad Buddy is okay. Merlin has a lot of them too.

Mary, glad you got to sleep on the top of the bed. Happy birthday to Kiernan! Time flies!

those fatty tumors can grow. our one dog has some and had one on his left leg at the joint. it got so big we had to have it removed.hope everyone is having a good day. we went and bought a bushell of peaches last week and froze 17 quart bags full. now i go one freezer filling up with fresh fruit.

Ouch Ana. Years ago, Bill fell off a loading dock, landed on his tailbone on a pipe that was sticking up. Very sore for a long time. Sat on a donut pillow. Nothing they can do about that.We could use some of that rain Ana.

Connie our first Corgi had a fatty tumor under her leg and we had to have it removed.

Hi Mary. We love a good thunderstorm. Taught Susie to love em also.

Hi Midgie, whatcha up to today? Working?

Hi Darlene. How is CA?

Hey there Harcoula, Space Quest, Gerry, My 10, Venus.

Joe, are you being a peeping tom, watching the birds?

Just made a trip to the bank and am through going out today. Last hot day, then it is supposed to get cooler. Sure could use some rain though. Not gonna happen.

Bets

_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.