Spoof news stories from May 2014

There were 337 spoof news stories published in May 2014. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.

Succumbing to public outcry and intense media scrutiny over yet another kidnapping scandal, embattled Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau has promised to step down from his position as head of the terrorist group, amid all the outcry in Western social...

Reports coming from Heaven are indicating that God, creator of the Universe, and all powerful being, who created the earth in six (or was it seven?) days, who refused to allow Noah to put the dinosaurs on the Ark, invented cancer and AIDS and who has...

Tybee Island District Attorney, Tommy Cock, is demanding that the FDA stop giving ground breaking drugs and medical treatment to mice; but instead administer them to humans, in a poorly worded letter, mailed yesterday.
The note, filled with grammar errors, typos and spelling mistakes has been passed to this news agency; below is the transcript:
Dear FDA,
I resently (sic) read that scient...

It is being reported that two 18 year old girls have been stoned outside a Baptist Church in the town of Tybee, Tybee Island - 18 miles from Savannah, Georgia.
Tybee Island, best known for it's annual "Running of The Bullshiters" event; where seve...

Dallas - In light of the lifetime ban placed upon Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers, after his recent racist remarks, fans of the Dallas Cowboys football team have come together in prayer hoping their sorry-ass owner, Jerry Jones, will op...

According to my calendar the US is just a few months away from another 9/11.
After intensive and meticulous research, including the reading of blogs, interpreting messages and just keeping my ear to the ground this reporter has ascertained that Se...

Things are hotting up in a South Florida offices' 'death pool' after new member of staff, Kevin Ball wagered $200 on former Golden Girl Betty White to pip current favorites Joan Rivers and Larry King to the grave.
"I feel good about Betty's prosp...

Leading tobacco companies and cigarette makers are asking the public not to focus on the dangers of smoking but to switch their thoughts to the millons of people who smoked but did not die from smoking related illnesses.
"Not everyone dies from ca...

Azerbaijan - The tarmac outside Baku International Airport arrivals lounge looks like a bomb site this weekend following a spat between the Russian mobster's private jet and a 'high tech' hunter-killer drone operated by the Iranian Revolutionary Guar...

The Ukrainian Government has welcomed Russia's promise of "bombing them into the stone age" and see it as a chance to progress.
"By advancing the Ukrainian people, from our current state of anthropological sub-infancy into the earliest dawning of...

McDonaldland, USA -- Bowing to pressure from minimum-wage maximization advocates, the McDonald's Corporation today introduced a "more affordable" menu designed exclusively for workers at the bottom of the pay scale.
"We can't afford to raise the s...

Reports from Romania are indicating that a pack of wolves did not raise a baby they found abandoned in the woods; but ate it instead.
Authorities told reporters that they found a woolen hat, traces of blood and chewed up bones in an area of the wo...

HEAVEN - In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of God, the Christian God that is, announced Tuesday the indefinite postponement of any "Second Coming" or "Ressurection" that had been promised to Christians for more than t...

The bald eagle, national symbol of the United States of America, whose image appears on most official seals of the U.S. government, including the presidential seal, the presidential flag, and in the logos of many U.S. federal agencies is to be replac...

Long Island - A bijou 3.2 acre pond-front plot at 94 Apaquogue Road has been secretly snapped up by the Russian mobster after epic haggling with its movie maker proprietor Steven Spielberg.
The Hollywood director finally cut the deal at $25 millio...

A Tybee Island drug ring was busted earlier this morning at the Savannah International Airport after custom's officials and the FBI spotted the cartel's drug mule after he disembarked a flight originating from Mexico.
"It was pretty obvious he was...

Whether it was a case of nervous agitation and uncontrolled excitement, or the direct result of an earlier-consumed over-ripe curry hasn't yet been ascertained, but the upshot of some or all of the above was that one lovestruck Englishman was today c...

Twitter birdies are disgusted, and they want the whole world to know.
With the share price of Twitter down but work assignments up, the Twitter birdies say they have to speak out. Wall Street wants faster expansion of the business, but the birdie...

Oscar Pistorius, say many experts, is definitely fit enough to stand to trial, despite murmurings from South Africa he may not be.
"He is an athlete!" Screamed former Olympian Carl Lewis "He is extremely fit, even with no legs his fitness and exer...

Bloomington, IL - The actor who plays "Jake, from State Farm", we'll call him Jake, from State Farm, in the famous insurance firm's commercial, is suing the company for stereotyping him as "hideous" and ruining his love life. The actor seeks $5 m...

In a strongly worded statement Wednesday, Tybee husband and hard-working father of two Clive Shwartz made it perfectly clear that his wife is not to mess with the the air-conditioning settings anymore.
"If I've told her once, I've told her a thous...

Orlando, Cuba - The United Launch Alliance (ULA), a monopolistic joining of Boeing and Lockheed that is wholly dependent on Russian rockets, has stepped from the closet and taken sides with their suppliers.
Speaking at a media resource event in Or...

Tokyo - In the latest incarnation of the Godzilla series of big-screen features, Godzilla 2014, the monster playing the fierce creature looks a little less menacing than in previous movies, and a little more out of shape.
"It's true, I've let...

Las Vegas - Ben Affleck was caught 'counting cards' in Las Vegas this week and authorities are baffled as to why the actor was attempting such a feat. Apparently, Affleck was on a bender and claimed to be doing research for a role in the next Rai...

A Tybee Judge has overtunred his families monopoly board Monday, effectively ending a night of wholesome family fun.
The judge, Steven Scheer, has never overturned anything before in his life - which makes the incident even more remarkable.
T...

Los Angeles - Ryan Seacrest announced this morning that, due to former American Idol finalist Clay Aiken's close results in his bid to win a congressional seat in North Carolina, the show would transition to a clearinghouse for all future politic...

Something so bad and unspeakable has happened in the small town of Tybee located on Tybee Island that it cannot even be reported, it is that bad.
Tybee, 13 miles from Savannah, a small town with an even smaller mentality, is said to be reeling fro...

Ithaca, NY - After years of tireless research at Cornell University, professors have released a study that brings into question the long-accepted fact the late great Freddie Mercury, from the rock band Queen, proclaimed to the world - Fat bot...

Churchill Downs - As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: 'Uncle Sigh' just doesn't give a damn. The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race bu...

Flushing, New York - New York Mets Manager Terry Collins was mad as hell at his team's subpar performance in recent weeks, much of which was caused by his own mistakes. So he called for a special closed-door meeting that excluded the media, the coach...

Recent reports indicate that State Mental Hospitals across the country are treating their worst cases of insanity by forcing patients to use a computer running Windows 8 for prolonged periods of time.
"It's true" confirmed a spokesperson for the...

Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova may be more well known for appearing on the cover of the SI Swimsuit edition, but has also gained from this multi million pound endorsement deals via her agent Max Eisenbud.
Recently, in an interview with CNN t...

New York -- Now that the carriage horses are on the run, activists are taking aim on another group of animals that need to be rescued from Central Park.
A study by the nonexistent grassroots group Animal Advocates has found that the privacy right...

"I was surprised when it didn't all grow back!", Hollywood heart- throb Brad Pitt explained while catching a glimpse of himself for the hundredth time in the hallway mirror. "I look like a friar in one of those old eroll flynn movies" cried brad as...

It's the stuff fairytales are made of; Kim Kardashian is to finally wed her incredibly wealthy, highly successful soul mate, Kanye West. This is the most highly anticipated wedding of the year, possibly of all time, and has divorce lawyers across the...

Kylie Minogue has reportedly made a statement about the attempted bribery of a disabled person last week.
It is reported that Miss Minogue, who is 46 years of age, was at a book signing at a local mall when a mobility scooter with police equipment...

Miami - NBA superstar and member of the Miami Heat basketball team, Lebron James, threatened to sit out the next season if LA Clippers owner, Donald Sterling, was not forced to sell the team after recent racist remarks made by Sterling. While he...

New York City - Famous rapper Jay-Z thought he had it made. Married to one of the most famous people in the world, singer Beyonce, the wordsmith has been enjoying life since 2004 when he announced he only had ninety-nine problems. That is hundreds le...

New Brunswick, NJ - Smiling, and without a care in the world, FLOTUS showed up at Rutgers University today to unveil a brand new academic program she is credited with creating, in conjunction with the Board of Regents, that should be a hit with t...

Science's goal is to create reasonable explanations (theories) to describe reality - theories that rely, not on feelings or passions, but on evidence. Yet substantial portions of the American people reject scientific conclusions. In the fields of p...

NBA Dallas Owner Mark Cuban doesn't want to take away Donald Sterling's ownership of the L.A. Clippers. (Cuban is the hyperactive out-of -shape guy, who sniffs the armpits of his players on the court after they win games for him.) Opposing taking a...

San Francisco - At a recent concert stop at the "City by the Bay", pop nuisance Miley Cyrus whined that it's getting too hard to shock audiences at her shows these days and that Madonna and Lady Gaga have racked up most of the good shock value over t...

Donald Sterling, alleged racist and owner of The Los Angeles Clippers and Paula Deen, alleged racist and owner of over 200 heart attack inducing recipes are set to announce a new franchise that will encompass sports and food.
In a joint statement...

Los Angeles, CA - Some people don't know when to shut up. Such is the case with actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Her mouth has gotten her in hot water with critics again and, this time, drastic measures have been taken to prevent further asinine comments...

Changsha, China - A deluxe version of an inventor's motorised suitcase on wheels was launched today aimed at the lucrative international Security Services market.
According to a New China Toast press release the 'Lock Up N Go' invention is the br...

Lagos, Nigeria - Reports from the Nigerian capital Lagos today say that Islamist nutjobs Boko Haram may have been duped into parting with hundreds of thousands of US dollars in 'transaction facilitation warranty' payments after advertising the sale o...

Mark Anderson isn't your typical hipster. He doesn't drink flat whites, because that's what all the other hipsters drink and he's a lot more alternative then that, admits Anderson.
The first rule of being a hipster, is to not admit that you're a...

GREENVILLE, SC--Dr. Stephen Jones, president of Bob Jones University, announced today that the controversial college (which only allowed interracial dating beginning in 2000), would now enter the nineteenth century and allow the teaching of Geology a...

Off-The-Wall Street, NYC - One of the artworks is believed to be the insanely rare and wildly expensive El Greco rendition of Christ Throwing The Money Lenders From The Temple according to Plumeberg Artworld news reports today.
The painting is sai...

DEEP, DEEP INSIDE THE KARDASHIAN COMPOUND, HOLLYWOOD -- It's being called a wonder of nature as a mixed-species newborn known as a kimkey is being cared for at the Kardashian family compound.
The marvel is the result of a one-nighter (well, an all...

In an early morning press conference today, a spokesman for Ben & Berry's Ice Cream announced two new flavors of ice cream
that will be on store shelves this coming month. The two new flavors are Defecake aka: Shit Pie and Booger Bonanza!
B...

Washington D.C. - Sixteen year-old White House Spokesman, Jay Carney, commented in today's presidential press briefing that it was a shame the Roosevelt administration didn't have the benefit of hashtags in the early days of World War II so they...

London - After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music and selling kazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children's book this summer. Titled, "Dark Side of the Mattress", the book p...

Vice President Joe Biden's office has confirmed that The New York Times has now been given official status as a spokesperson for US government interests, supplementing the role of White House spokesperson Jay Carney.
According to a member of Mr. B...

Lou Reed communicated from the after life with a message of hope recently, encouraging mankind with assurances that heaven really does exist and the proof of that is that he now can actually carry a tune.
"I've learned about all those things li...

Atlanta - Van Jones, former Green Czar for the Obama administration and current host on CNN's Crossfire, blamed Global Warming for the tampered with talking points regarding the Benghazi attack in 2012. He completely dismissed any nefarious invol...

Atlanta, GA - Yesterday, Russian military forces invaded the city of Atlanta, GA, in what Russia says is a simple map error.
There is a country named Georgia that shares a border with Russia on the north, and Turkey on the west. The country of G...

In a move experts say was inevitable, Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Washington Redskins, announced today that the team is changing its name; it will now be known as the Washington "White Devil Who Speaks with Forked Tongue Scalpers" a move cheered...

Iconic rocker Neil Young has recently told Rolling Stone Magazine that he wishes to change his name to "Neil Old".
"It makes sense," justified the almost seventy year old rocker from Canada. "I think it will bring me closer to my fans," he stated...

London - Recording superstar and former front man for the band known as Genesis, Phil Collins, admitted this week that the band was not the first rock band created, despite their name correlating with the name of the first book in the Bible.
Respo...

San Jose, CA - Classic Rock radio station KFOX, 98.5 on the FM dial, today announced a new playlist consisting entirely of two songs: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynrd, and "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon.
According to a statement issu...

Executives emerged from an emergency owners meeting of the National Football League, determined to stay ahead of the pressure to adopt politically correct names, which is non-existent, except where hyped by the media.
Some teams are more under th...

Midland, Texas - The world famous Rogues Gallery at Midland's Permain Basin Petroleum Museum got a horrible new addition this week as racketeering New York lawyer Steven Donziger was finally inducted into its corruption rankings.
Acclaimed by the...

The New York Times and Michael Kinsley have won this year's prestigious award honoring journalists in government service.
Mr. Kinsley's review of Glenn Greenwald's recently released No Place to Hide, an account of Edward Snowden's role in exposing...

Hollywood, Ca. (STT Entertainment News) After making a huge opening splash on the US cinema scene, the new version of Godzilla has now bumped into something of a monster of a problem; a very expensive lawsuit.
Filed in the US District Court in Los...

It was an unexpected glitch at an otherwise successful hologram rehearsal performance which showcased the king of pop at his finest.
The show which has taken months to create was so realistic that special guest and former Jackson pet Bubbles the C...

Washington, D.C. - President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal where numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody bought it, of course...

Fans of the legendary rock group One Direction will be saddened to find out today that due to their constant wearing of skinny jeans, One Direction have as a collective unit become impotent. The jet setting 5some, who shot to fame when X Factor shot...

Washington, D.C. - The Koch Brothers have had it with Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader from Nevada, and his constant railing against the brothers every time he props himself up against the podium on the floor of the Senate to spew asinine c...

New York City - As a result of a powerful lobbying effort by a union of various women's rights groups, Major League Baseball is changing its current playoff system to the "Girlfriend Who Doesn't Know Sports" system.
In the "Girlfriend Who Doesn't...

Chicken Kiev, Ukraine - A former child actor who played the Milkybar Kid on Ukrainian TV ads circa 1969 has been elected the country's new President this weekend.
'Candy King' Petro Poroshenko wooed voters with a 'free pair of Snickers for every...

Legendary film monster Godzilla inadvertently damaged the historic Wheeling, WV, Suspension Bridge Thursday afternoon while filming extra DVD footage for his new self-titled movie that is scheduled to be released in theaters May 16.
The more than...

(STT News - Tybee Island, Georgia) A long lost nuclear bomb found accidentally by island regular, DP Whitehead, who, while patrolling the area of the island, was announced today.
The Mark-15 nuke was lost in 1958 when a B-47 bomber and F-86 fight...

New York City - Mark Goodman, a former VJ from the 1980's heyday of MTV, was hauled away in handcuffs last week after being caught hitting the button that turns all Sirius/XM radios on, regardless of whether the customer has paid for a subscripti...

SNYDER'S LAST STAND, LANDOVER, MARYLAND -- Responding to continuing criticism of racial insensitivity, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder has announced the franchise has changed its nickname to the Cowboys.
"There, happy now! The best thing i...

New York - The sudden, unexpected death of a cleaver-wielding shrink specialising in radical Oedipus Complex solutions has freed up a patient's right to a life Upper East Side courtroom sources said today.
Dr Einstein Flintstone, Emeritus Professo...

Have you ever met one of those annoying, self-righteous vegans who obviously considers himself morally superior to all other humans on the planet? If so, you might be encouraged to learn that the recently established Herbivore Assessment & Rating Program (HARP) is working to take those self-important vegans down a notch - by assessing precisely how "vegan" they really are.
In calculating a...

Washington DC - A famous Washington law firm that was on a 5% rake-off of a $9.5billion Ecuadorian pollution judgement is licking its wounds tonight after coughing up a $15million settlement to the litigation adversaries it had hoped to fleece.
DC...

New York City - The New York City Visitor's Bureau has decided to begin handing out an annual award designed to reward a recipient, while at the same time alerting the public to a person who, should they see him or her in public, should be avoide...

Professor Naggin P. Hawgswaller of Cactass Community College in Cactass, California, today announced a major discovery when it comes to male behavior; what one drives is what one's life spins upon.
During a smoke-out gathering for the graduating c...

"The dream has become a reality"
"The penny has dropped"
"We are now the third force in British politics".
Champagne was pouring down the throats of UKIP members last night as a historic victory in the European elections boosted them by 11 M...

It is reported the Apple Inc has just bought a door bell company in Southern Texas for what they are insisting is a bargain price of 43 trillion US Dollars.
Inside information has revealed that CEO of Apple, Tim Cook has big plans for the small do...

Millions of GM car owners got a big surprise in their mailbox this week, a recall notice informing them that their, Caprice, Colbart, Corvair, Vega, Chevette, Corvette, Trailblazer, Suburban, Yukon, Malibu or any other GM car ever made is a death tra...

Sources say Justin Bieber is distraught over how his shenanigans have backfired.
Desperate to prove himself a man and gain 'street cred', the pop star embarked on a series of misadventures last year designed to show that he's a 'bad boy'.
How...

OXFORD, OH--Tragically, a student at Miami University, who had already lost three of his grandmothers earlier in the semester, lost his fourth grandmother when his dog, a pit-bull named Gator, ate her the night before his final exam.
The dog the...

CLEARWATER, FL. The leader, or "pope" of $camatology has announced that a giant "Ideal Org," a giant church for the Church of $camatology, has been built by the inhabitants of one of the North Korean labor camps in North Korea's capital city, Pyongya...

New York - The UN advisory panel on eco destruction has taken depositions from leading politicians following revelations by UK Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg of wanton cactus vandalism.
Clegg recently admitted to a 'mad Carlos Castenada moment'...

Bloomington, IL - A Bloomington man was found dead yesterday, apparently the victim of a fatal self-inflicted paper cut.
Lowell D. Ductible, a senior accountant with Smith & Wesson, was found in the family room of his home by his live-in lands...

Having heard from intelligence sources (at any rate, more intelligent than herself or her supporters) that Russian troops were massing in eastern Siberia, former vice-presidential running MILF Sierra Paylin called a press conference at the western ti...

In a bizarre revelation, it was um, revealed today that the baby of Rap Baron Kayne West and former porn star Kim Kardashian has been diagnosed with "Reverse Zoolander Syndrome."
A distort Kim carried her baby who is named "North West" accompanied...

New York - She's finally doing a runner amid reports of a ghost creeping her out at the lavish Central Park West apartment, part of the stunning Emery Roth-designed Art Deco building.
Today New York Toast sources said the San Remo triplex has just...

Nightclubs can be dreadful places for young women. The pathetic pick up lines, the dirty grinding, the ogling eyes of libidinous men. Tracey Crawford is one example of the many female victims that suffer from the crowd of horny young guys every Satur...

Rival news station CNN, otherwise known as the Cable News Network, has just announced it is actively searching for a new Story of Maximum Importance.
What's that? Well, in recent years, CNN's preferred broadcast technique is choosing just one piec...

With "chocolate king" Petro Poroshenko likely to become Ukraine's President in the May 25 elections, politicians in Kiev and the US are reconsidering the old adage "You can't have your cake and eat it too."
Eclairs, bon bons, and chocolate cake fr...