PORTIA ON THE VIEW: Being a lesbian sometimes means fielding really ridiculous questions like, “How do you have sex?” and “Who’s the man in the relationship?” Elisabeth Hasselbeck managed to take this line of questioning to a new level of numbskullery on The View Friday when she asked Portia De Rossi if the word “marriage” was more important than the act of commitment. She preempted this deep understanding of words and laws with a strange analogy about women wanting equal rights but not wanting dicks. I have no idea how this woman dresses herself in the morning.

What I wish everyone was talking about, aside from what a complete waste of hair dye Hasselbeck is, is Portia’s story of being a closeted gay actress. She was so terrified of being asked about her personal life, she was actually relieved when the building caught on fire. People! Think about that!

The original title of this post was, “Study Shows More Teens Like Gay People, Just Like We Brainwashed Them To in Kindergarten,” but then I had to change it b/c Portia is more important. But wasn’t that a good title you guys? AM I PRETTY?

GAY-FRIENDLY TEENS:“A study conducted by the Girl Scout Research Institute (GSRI) in partnership with Harris Interactive found that respect and value for diversity has increased over the past 20 years among American youth … More youth also support same-sex relationships and almost half of the youth (in grades 7 – 12) surveyed reported that a friendship would continue unchanged if a friend revealed that s/he was involved in a same-sex relationship. These numbers vary by gender with 84 percent of girls reporting that they would maintain a friendship with a gay or lesbian friend in comparison to 62 percent of boys.” Our own projections conclude that 10 percent of the other boys would prefer to take that relationship to the next level, and the rest should have their balls cut off and don’t deserve nice gay friends, or are scared of gay panic, or else their parents need to be smacked upside the head. The remaining 16% of girls just aren’t ready for this jelly but they will be. (@carnalnation)

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CENSORS:Meanwhile the Asshats are still talking about the “openly gay” Obama adviser who wants preschoolers to read books about preschoolers having sex: “Book after book after book contained stories and anecdotes that weren’t merely X-rated and pornographic, but which featured explicit descriptions of sex acts between preschoolers; stories that seemed to promote and recommend child-adult sexual relationships; stories of public masturbation, anal sex in restrooms, affairs between students and teachers, five-year-olds playing sex games, semen flying through the air.” SEMEN FLYING THROUGH THE AIR! That’s probs in the Physics book, I never read Physics.

MONEY HONEY:Anti-Gay NOM Considered for Chase Bank Charity – “Chase Bank is running a contest called ‘Community Giving’ for users to select charities worthy of receiving a chunk of a 5 million dollar donation by the bank. Among the non-profits listed are the anti-gay National Organization for Marriage. NOM being on the list is a direct violation of Chase’s own non-discrimination policy.” Coincidentally, Chase is Reson #3 I am poor, as they take $300 of my non-existent money every month just to protect me from them charging me more fees and then making me have bad credit. So if they give that fucking money to NOM, I am not kidding this time, I will write a SCUC MANIFESTO and jump off a bridge. (@queersunited)

UPDATE: Now someone has stolen all my remaining money from an ATM in the Bronx without my debit card. So that’s that! BUT HAI LOOK AT THIS:

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2819 articles for us.

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32 Comments

After reading: “SEMEN FLYING THROUGH THE AIR! That’s probs in the Physics book, I never read Physics.”, all i could think of how much more interesting physics would be if i had to figure out the velocity of the semen right before impact (preferably not on someone’s face/chest) and its acceleration. then i wondered about it’s potential energy before release. damn i thinking about semen way too much for my own good.

also, there was a woman that was drafted in the nba. her name is lusia harris and she was drafted by the new orleans jazz in 1977.

I love how Portia totally z-snaps elizabeth. But I watched this yesterday too and was really caught off guard by sherri. It is just so obvious that sherri doesn’t agree and is totally being passive-aggressive about portia’s “point of view”. Look at her fake smile! At least elizabeth has some balls (or a dick? That was such a stupid analogy).

I love that too; specifically, I love Portia’s facial expression at 5:20. But seriously, how can you say you you’re grateful that someone ‘shared their point of view’ on their OWN MARRIAGE? that is some effed up shit.

notes:
1. i love/want her dress.
2. IT’S NOT RAPE RAPE whoopi i forgot imma kill you.
3. i have had to stop this 3 times and make audible noises
4. omg she’s so articulate the audience just clapped i have to cry now
5. “I have no idea how this woman dresses herself in the morning”- this

The “down with this sort of thing” sign looks like it is in Dublin. The sign is from a cult Irish comedy called Father Ted (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT9xuXQjxMM), which I assume is why the guy on the right is dressed as a priest.

For real. I expect this shit from Hasslebitch. It’s almost entertaining. I’ve come to enjoy all the reasons she gives me to make fun of her, but Sherri Sheppard? She was so passive aggressive and condescending. BARF

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