Gentrification at its pretentious best.

Pete Evans Caught In Disgusting Public Sex Act With Paleo Food

Shocking news overnight as paleo fuckwit and Bondi hero, Pete Evans was discovered naked and unconscious in a North Sydney park in what police have described as a ‘frightening glimpse into Sydney’s future’.

According to reports, Evans was seen running naked, covered in what witnesses described as a ‘delicious variety of paleo food items’ and repeatedly shouting, “food really is medicine!”. Concerned locals contacted police who discovered Evans sprawled on a park bench barely breathing. After removing what police believed to be ‘almonds’ from his windpipe, Evans was assisted to a police vehicle and taken to Channel 7 studios for examination.

His agent is yet to respond to several pen-pal letters sent by Joel Keating, back in Year 5. But that’s unrelated.