Indigo Child

Tag: Thoughts

Guess who? Adria! Your favourite inconsistent blogger is back (hopefully for good this time). This was meant to be a monthly series but like I said earlier, inconsistent queen, so sorry if you hit the follow button expecting regular posts* It’s been a hot minute since I last made a playlist and a lot of new albums have come out recently which I’ve obviously been listening to non-stop. My mocks start tomorrow but we all know where that falls on my list of priorities so enjoy this playlist fueled by our dear friend pRocrAstinaTIon.

*we all know I have the planning skills of a guppy

alaska//banks

MY GIRL REALLY DID THAT! (I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M YELLING IN MY HEAD AS I WRITE THIS) BUT YES THIS ABSOLUTE GODDESS DID IT AGAIN!!!! BEST BELIEVE I’VE SPENT EVERY NIGHT SINCE THIS WAS RELEASED THINKING ABOUT MY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS AND DANCING IN MY UNDERWEAR AT 2AM(BECAUSE YES I REALLY AM THAT GIRL).

gloomy tapes vol. 2//call me karizma

So I don’t normally put albums on here just because that’s a lot of effort I don’t have** BUT I have listened to this song every day since it came out. I have cried to this album, had a breakdown to this album, journaled while listening to this album, procrastinated by listening to this album instead of studying. You name it, I’ve done it. I love love love Morgan so much and his music has changed my life and had such a huge impact on me as an individual and I’ll be forever be grateful for this lovely soul.

**I’m an actual joke I know

I lost my mind//FINNEAS

This song literally broke my heart in 15 million different ways, stitched it back together and then threw it out the window of a skyscraper. The dancing, the lyrics, I just-

call out my name//the weeknd

This is one of those songs that’s practically made for when you’re up at 2am and are nostalgic for everything and everyone and I swear every word tugs at your heartstrings. I know there were tons of mixed reviews on this when it came out but it reminds me of the Trilogy era and not in a bad way. Like I genuinely feel like people sometimes forget that artists are people too and they change and develop and grow just like us and that’s often seen in their music and there’s literally nothing wrong with that but that’s a rant for anytime when I’m not sick*** My point is all my favourite artists have picked the past few months to trample on my heart and whilst this song was released a while ago, I honestly hadn’t even listened to it up until recently. So thanks for messing with my emotions (again!) Abel

***climate change is literally killing me(and the world), if you haven’t already seen my instagram highlights (@adriapetrov btw) there are some ways to save the planet in one of them. Also I’ll probably do a post on that soon ft. me, the bad vegetarian

begin again soundtrack//various artists

I love every single song on this album and I’ve seen the movie numerous times since it came out(a while ago). I’ve been in a very pensive, melancholic, thoughtful kind of mood recently. Although I am trying not to sleep at like 2am because I’m up at 5am for school (fml), there’s something magical about this album+nostalgia+looking at the stars and it’s so soft and delicate and beautiful and it feels like finally coming home after feeling lost for forever. I love it to pieces.

I wish I had the words to coherently explain my thoughts on this song but I don’t so just listen to it and thank me later

movement//hozier

I’ve decided not to expose myself by putting the number of time I’ve listened to this song, and Wasteland, Baby in general because I’m pretty sure I’ve surpassed a million by now. Love, love, love. The visuals, the lyrics, Sergei Polunin’s dancing, Hozier never fails to blow me away and I’ve genuinely lost the ability to piece words together at this point because of it.

♡

What have you been listening to lately? Also totally asking for a friend, but did anyone else scream when they saw the release date for Norman Fucking Rockwell?

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I’m kiddding. Bad joke, I know but I feel like you can make an exception for your sad little apricot.

I’ve been in a slump for a month, nearly two. Don’t get me wrong I can tell it’s coming, the sadness and all, because that’s just how it works, I get super happy and excited and inspired and then I crash.

But it always sucks.

I dissociate, on average twice a year. It’s never been as long as it was this time and it’s never had such a huge snowball effect on my life. It started off with me feeling uninspired and lost and completely detached from my feelings and then the next thing I know everything’s too vivid to be real. Fast forward a month later(around June 12) to me posting this, because I couldn’t deal with the thought of not writing any longer and then to two days ago where after nearly two months of not feeling anything I had a breakdown.

Oh how I love my life.

Totally not appropriate sorry!

But to go from not feeling anything:

Here is my heart. Place it right in front of a wrecking ball and take a swing because I can’t feel a single thing.

Here is my heart.

Place it front of a wrecking ball and take your best shot. Make it go splat against a wall. I just need to know there’s something inside of it.

I need to know I’m not losing myself.

To feeling everything in an instant, hurts.

It was one of those major breakdowns where I immediately sent out an SOS to a couple of my friends and they responded back almost instantly and they were lovely and kind and supportive and understanding. And then I felt horrible because I still felt bad after everything. You know that scene in Mean Girls where Regina George gets hit by a bus?

I’ve never felt more like Regina George.

I didn’t want to classify this as an if we were having cheesecake post because whilst I do write about some sad stuff there, that’s not why I started it. I wanted cake humor and life updates and oh dear me, I must be cake deprived.

So here’s a very boring update for you in a few sentences because I don’t think I can write much more.

I’m sad and exhausted and uninspired. And none of my coping tips are doing much of anything and everything seems topsy-turvy. And did I mention my laptop is broken too?

If any of you have any tips for getting out of a rut or passion project ideas that I could do whilst I ‘recover’ from whatever one would call this, please let me know.

xxxChips

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Get to Know Me Questions

How would you describe yourself to a stranger?•15 years old •Self confessed rebel & revolutionary •Sailor girl in love with the ocean. •Writer and spoken word poet •Wild child with my head permanently in the clouds •Feels and thinks wayyy too much •Night thinker – daydreamer •Fueled by aesthetics & adrenaline •Can usually be found swimming laps of a pool, up a tree with my head in a notepad or a book, drinking strong coffee, singing along to my never-ending playlist or sarcastically arguing with people for the sheer fun of it •Will dance with you at 2am •Wearer of bracelets (I have sixteen that I don’t take off) • doesn’t have the answers, but will always try to use my words and my actions to help others •Wants to work as a sailor/youth worker to pursue my passion in life and make a difference in the lives and futures of my generation •free spirit™

What things would you say have shaped you as a person?The way that my parents have raised me to do everything I can to be a light in the darkness and help others, the pain and negativity I see all around me in my generation and the future they’re facing, discovering the world of sailing, falling in love with the ocean and experiencing the difference if made in my life and the lives of others.

What’s your big goal for this year?My family and I are taking on a mega challenge this year to raise money for a charity that transforms the lives and futures of young people in need. My main goal is to complete and to be successful in that challenge – even though it’s definitely not going to be easy. Keep an eye out for a post on my blog with all the deets and how you can get involved to help me achieve that goal…coming soon…Also, just to be the best, most confident, capable, compassionate version of myself that I can be- and to learn to kitesurf 😉

What could you give a 40 minute presentation on with no preparation?How young people can and should stand up for what they believe in and make a difference. I’d probably find a way to bring sailing and the hugely positive effect it has on young people’s lives into it. I’m highkey obsessed haha

Which skill would you like to master?Spoken word/slam poetry. The rhythm, the performance, the power, the ability to express your message with so much emotion and clarity – it’s pure magic. I write a lot, but I struggle with the performance element (it always sounds so much better in my head lol). I’d love to master that and be able to pack a punch with my words.Some of my favourite spoken word poems are called Cigarettes by James Hartzer, Text Me by Los Angeles Team and An Origin Story by Phil Kaye and Sarah Kay. They’re all on YouTube 🙂

What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind so that youcould experience it for the first time again?I just – I have no words for the 2hrs 20mins of feels that the movie Dead Poets Society gives you. It’s the most beautiful, raw, emotional film I’ve ever watched and the lessons it teaches you on teenage mental health, conformity and creativity are truly life-changing. Just go watch it.Now. Plus it’s about poetry sooo *shrugs* even better 🙂

Also, I would’ve said a song, but I’m way too in love with music to be able to pick just one. Same with books, actually. Could never even begin to choose.

Who inspires you?My parents. The strength that it takes to raise a family to live and think differently is immense, especially in our society. Their constant dedication to creating a better future for their own children and for other young people inspires me every day.

My friends and other young people of my generation. They struggle so much and yet they are so brave. They fight back against this society that oppresses them. They hang in there even though it hurts and I’m so proud of them for it.

The crew of the boats I sail. They are such positive role-models – people that give their lives to share their passion with my generation and to try and make a difference in our lives. Through sailing, I have met some incredible individuals and, one day, I hope to be like them. Finally, strangers. Every time I hear of someone doing something good in the world, it inspires me to keep going.

General Mental Health Questions

Have you ever had to deal with negative reactions when you’ve opened up about your mental health, and what advice would you have for others?On the whole I’ve been really lucky to have family and friends who’ve always been supportive, but something I have come across a lot is young people my age shying away from having these discussions about mental health because they’re ‘too deep’ or ‘too serious’.

As a generation, our relationships have become quite shallow and that’s something I really struggle with. I’ve tried to talk to certain friends about my own mental health, their mental health or even just a slightly more serious topic and I’ve found that they will try and avoid discussing it – even when they’re clearly struggling and it’s clearly so important to open up. I’ve also had a lot of experiences with friends making stupid jokes about mental health and suicide even though I know they themselves struggle with depression, self harm, eating disorders, etc.

I think they’re afraid of the vulnerability and so to joke about what’s going on inside their head is so much easier. To me, that is wrong. Mental health/suicide is not a joke and laughing about it will not make you better.

We need to raise awareness and say ‘Look, opening up…communication…sharing your struggles….they are the only way to move forward and get better – you can’t do it alone. There are people who care so whatever you do, don’t push them away. Vulnerability and openness are not a weakness and anyway, sometimes it’s okay to be weak. Sometimes that’s where we’ve got to start’

How do you think parents could be more understanding of their teens’ mental health?Our parents grew up in a different society to us – the struggles and issues we face now are not the same as what they’ve experienced in their lifetimes. If we communicate with them and try to explain to them what we’re going through, then they must try to understand us by putting themselves in our shoes.

Rapid Fire Questions

Why do you think it’s still so difficult for people to get help when mental health isbecoming something more and more people are being made aware of?People are aware of mental health, but I don’t think it’s totally normalised yet. Mental illnesses have become a label and people don’t associate mental health as something that could affect them. It’s de-personalised. Another thing that I think really contributes to mental health is how self-centred our society is – if we had more community and people sharing their lives, I think there would a much better and stronger support network for people struggling with mental health.

What’s your opinion on adults expecting teens to behave maturely but then treatingthem like kids when they’re vocal about important matters?As a teenager, I’m always joking that I’m too young for half the stuff I want to do and too old for the other half. We have to break those stereotypes. Yeah, I’m a teenager, but I’ll still join in and share my valid opinions when I hear adults talking about issues that affect me, my generation and my future. Yes, I’m a teenager, but I’m still going to run around in the rain and watch Disney movies. Get used to it 🙂

What is one thing you wish you could tell teens all over the world?Look around you. This is the world we are growing up in. This is our future and the future of the generations to come – our children, our grandchildren. Is this what we want for them? If we don’t stand up and do something now we are the ones who will suffer for it. Dream, dream big, dream of the world you want to create, then make it happen. Don’t tear down your peers – build them up. Come together, we are so much stronger that way. Vive la révolution!

Also, go sailing – you won’t regret it 😉

What is one thing you wish you could tell adults all the world?You’re struggling too, we get that, but please, listen to the young people, help us, share your experience with us. We’re not perfect either and we don’t have all the answers, but together we can make the future brighter. Be good role models and reach out to the young people in your lives and communities – it makes a difference.Also, stop caring so much about materialistic things – they will soon be useless if you don’t do something now to make the future better.

Give Advice To Someone…

Who struggles with comparison?Just….don’t. Please. It will only make you more unhappy. It’s so easy to compare yourself to others, but it’s so much more powerful to make the conscious decision to say to yourself ‘Stop, that’s not who I am. This is me and this is what makes me beautiful and unique. I am going to be the best version of myself that I can.’ Once you’re on that journey, comparing yourself to others will just slow you down. So please, put them to one side (it’s hard I know, but it’s so worth it). Focus on you and be strong.

Another thing….again I know it’s not easy….but once you stop focusing on your physicalappearance, the sense of freedom is incredible. I still care about what I look like and want to look good, but some days I’m like ‘does it really matter if I go to the supermarket in sweatpants with my hair in a messy bun?’ or ‘does it really matter if I get covered in mud and grass stains and if my hair goes wild?’ and I just go for it and as amazing and empowering as it is to feel beautiful, it’s also pretty awesome just to not care every once in awhile.

There are so many sad eyes on pretty faces. Can we all stop valuing physical beauty over our own happiness and mental health, please?

Who wants to be their own person but finds themselves following others?It’ll take you awhile to realise this, but once you do, I swear you’ll never feel the same way again. Different is cool, different is awesome, different is fascinating. Different is not weird or ugly or unacceptable or unlovable. Why on earth would you follow everyone else when you could be so much more? There is a world out there and you have a place in it, you just need to explore and to find it. And you will, I promise 🙂 Something I try to live by is this: Always try to do the right thing, even if no one else will. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in, even if you walk alone. Don’t isolate yourself from others, accept them for who they are and love them for it, but don’t become like them just for the sake of fitting in.

Who wants to learn to accept themselves?I guess I’ve kind of answered this in the previous question and the question about comparison, but I’ll say it again – ‘Once you make the decision to be yourself, you are free from the chains and the pressure of society and you can truly begin to make a difference in the lives of others’

Who is being fat shamed but isn’t overweight?I’m being totally honest when I say that I never look at anyone else and think ‘she/he is ugly’. If people are pointing out the negatives – it’s probably because they themselves are insecure. I know it’s hard, but why let someone’s irrelevant judgement and opinion of you affect you? I can assure you it’s not how the majority of people see you. If you’re feeling really strong, reach out to that person. Communicate with them. Maybe you’ll have a positive effect on them? Maybe you’ll give them a new perspective and change the way they look at things forever?

Who has a lot of fake friends and finds it difficult to stand up for themselves?Be real. Stay true to who you are and what you believe in. Never stop searching for truefriendship and connection and if there are people worth fighting for then fight.Tbh, as for practical advice, I’d say start a blog (if you haven’t already), you meet so manylike-minded people who are always there for you, people you can change the world with, plus you have a space where you can be entirely yourself and express your honest thoughts and feelings 💙

Who struggles to trust people because of bad past experiences?It’s not easy to let go. That’s something I struggle with too, but you’ve got to ask yourself – is this really how I want to live my life – scared of trusting anyone, scared to love, scared of putting my heart in someone else’s hands? Sometimes, in order to move on, you’ve got to take that first brave step….remember, there are people who love you, there are people who care, there are people who are good and kind. They are there for you. They’ve probably all had their heart broken at some point or another and yet they have come through it stronger and wiser than before. You will too.

I started blogging because I needed a space where I didn’t feel restricted when it came to voicing my opinions and sharing my emotions and I found that, I found this amazing community of people who’ve changed my perspective about and opened my eyes to a lot of things.

I’m a better person because of those people.

From the very beginning, mental health was always something I wanted to talk about because it’s something very close to my heart and something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. Right from the get go I told myself that someday I would talk about my own issues, that, I would do it regardless… Continue reading FRIDAY 6PM

xxxChips

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On my best days I scream from rooftops. On my worst I become a shell. The opposite of everything I want to be. I wallow in my thoughts, flounder in my tears, allow myself to become prisoner to my illness. I smile and say ‘I’m okay’, I laugh, I flirt, I am the definition of beautiful madness. And then when everyone goes back to their lives I turn off the lights and bury myself under bedsheets the same way I would be 6 feet under.

And I convince my brain that I’m not okay, that I need to try my coping mechanisms and so I run my hands under cold water and draw on myself with markers till I look like artwork. The world’s definition of beauty. But my eyes betray me. Red not from hash but from war. I am fighting my own mind.

It says Drown. Recovery says Swim. I compromise Float. In between both.

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When I started this blog I made a promise to myself to talk about whatever I wanted to as openly and raw and real as possible. And somewhere in this promise, right at the end actually, I made a promise to myself to talk about everything except race and religion.

For a few reasons

a) I’m not as educated on these topics as I would like to be

b) There’s a bunch of backlash that comes with talking about those two things

c) As much as I believe those are both things that should be talked about, it also tends to divide people and I didn’t want this space to be like that. I wanted to have a space that didn’t have anything to do with either of those topics, a space where none of those things had to matter.

I say this a lot but I truly have grown a lot since I started blogging and there have been things going on for some time now that I’ve continued to ignore on here, for the same three reasons I gave above.

And I can’t do that anymore.

“You cannot be an ally if you shy away from confrontation

-Vianna Goodwin

If you watch the news or you’ve been on Twitter today, there’s a chance you’ve heard about the terrorist attacks in New Zealand. Earlier today, Brenton Tarrant walked into two mosques in Christchurch New Zealand and proceeded to open fire at the people praying inside the mosques.

So far, there have been 49 killed and 20 seriously injured. The shooter, a 28 year old white man with an 87 page manifesto with anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim ideas.

To everyone who blamed his actions on mental illness I say this:

Yes, mental illness causes people to do drastic things. But there is no excusing anyone who think it’s okay to harm others.

There is no excuse for a racist, radicalized adult who thinks it’s okay to hurt innocent people. And I would just like to clarify that not every terrorist has a mental illness and not every mental illness makes you violent.

He is not mentally ill, he is a terrorist. It is not just an act of violence, it is terrorism. And there is no excuse, there is no fucking excuse for the crimes he has committed.

Terrorism has no religion. No colour. No country.

I’m just going to leave this here for you to think about

This is about so much more than just a hashtag. This is about the 49 people who lost their lives today and the 20 others in critical condition. This about the hate directed towards the Muslim community. To those who live in fear, who are not safe in their homes, in their mosques, in their cars and in their schools. Who go about their daily lives petrified, wondering if each day will be their last.

50 million hashtags or tweets or Instagram captions, may spread awareness, but they will only change so much in the long run.

Read the entire thread. And do something about it.

Your hashtag will not save a life, but taking further action just might.

I don’t want this to just be a headline. Big news today, and then nothing tomorrow until the next terrorist attack.

While you’re still horrified by the mosque shooting, I’m going to share something I don’t normally share. Because tomorrow, it won’t be so fresh, and that feeling you have right now, where even a small, kindhearted country like NZ isn’t safe won’t be filling your heart the 1/

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I don’t know if I’ll get better. Or if I’ll live long enough to finish my before I die list. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a friend like Leonard or meet someone who makes me feel the way reading Tigerlily does. I don’t know a lot of things.

But I do know I want to hold on. And I hope that I am strong enough to. I don’t know how long it’ll take for the scars to fade, or if I even want them to. But I do know that I live in a world where people like Leonard exist and that gives me hope.

I know nobody is planning on swooping in and saving me, for two reasons. One, I’m not a damsel in distress and two, the only person who will ever save you is yourself. I feel like that’s the only way I won’t relapse,getting better for the right reasons.

I don’t really know how to feel about a million little pieces but I know that it did something for me, and I don’t think I can quite put into words something I don’t understand yet.

But it was special, in its on way. Not like The Catcher In The Rye or Tigerlily or The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, books which mean everything and more to me.

It has it’s own special place in my heart.

I want to get better. I want to get better. Fuck. I want to get better.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

And it’s too late for a quote stolen off of Pinterest to save me now, or maybe even for love letters to myself. I think I need to accept and move on and be analytical and firm if that makes sense?

My mental health is still being figured out and I’ll probably be recovering for the rest of my life but I do know what I need to do to get to the point I want to be at. And if I get there and I’m not happy then maybe I’ll give up. But for now I’m holding on. Partly for myself, partly because a part of me feels like I owe it to Leonard, a man I never even knew.

But I find it cool how you don’t even have to know someone and they can change your life. Impact you in ways you didn’t think were possible. I will grit my teeth and I will slug it.

I will take the bullshit if that means someday I’ve got my own apartment doing whatever the fuck makes me happy and that list gets completed.

I will pick up the million little pieces of myself and put them back together. Differently this time. I’ll do it my way. A million little pieces, and I can be whatever I want to be.

There is no blame.

Just a choice. Yes or no. A decision, I’ll have to make over and over again. To get better.

And I hope I choose yes.

I hope I choose to hold on.

For myself. And for a man I never knew.

I finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey a while ago and I got the urge to write this the second I finished it.

I honestly use this quote so much but I feel like it just puts everything into perspective and it’s kind of exactly what I’m trying to get at

“Teach girls less about fitting into glass slippers and more about shattering glass ceilings”

I refuse to be a woman in a box, in a category, I’m not here to please anyone. I’m not here to conform to anybody’s standards but my own. And to me, women empowerment is all about breaking the barriers that not just other people, but us, as women put on ourselves.

I’ve mentioned Chloe before in my “my favoruite bloggers” that I did a while back. She’s strong and she’s bold and one of the most incredible people I know.

I have a lot of feelings. I’ve always been the type of person who feels in 14ft waves, my emotions are big and messy and untameable and as much as I love that , I have so many moments where I wish everything could just stop and I could feel the way everybody else feels and my emotions wouldn’t be so deep.

And 12 year old me stumbles upon Chloe’s blog. And Chloe is one of the only people I know who knows what that’s like, and her word brings me so much happiness and comfort and her whole blog and everything about her is just super special. That being said, she’s also really sweet.

My cake sister, my writing buddy and so much more! I recently wrote a post about her new series The Dating Process, you can find it here. Feminism and women empowerment is a major theme in the series and I loved it to bits. She’s constantly inspiring me, and encouraging me and it’s super hard to describe how much she means to me because I can never find the right words or phrase it well enough. I look up to her so much and I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if it wasn’t for her.

Half model, half angel. 100% someone I look up to and aspire to be like.Since day one she has been a constant source of inspiration, she’s always so keen to empower others and help and give advice. Her work ethic is incredible, she puts her all into everything she does and it shows when people respond to her writing or even just her as an individual.

And it’s not just that, in the short time I’ve known her she’s become one of my closest friends.

about how much of a queen Emily is. I started following on Emily a while ago, it was around the time that I decided I only wanted to follow people that inspired me and made me want to be better and were similar minded. And I don’t even remember how, but I stumbled upon Emily’s Instagram but after looking at her Instagram stories and her posts my mind instantly went ‘this is the type of person i want to be able to say i am’.

She’s funny and sassy and real and relatable, she’s another incredible writer on my very long list of favourites.

She speaks out about the things that matter to her, one of which is mental health, something which you all know is super important to me. And she’s one of the people who gave me the confidence to start speaking out about my mental health and mental health in general. Which I am so so thankful for.

Share with us a story, drawing, or video that you think says “empowered women.”

Share with us the best lesson you’ve learned in leadership

Everybody has their own strengths. And I think one of the most important things you could do would be to give everybody an opportunity to showcase them.

Also communication is really important.

What cause do you most want to bring awareness to? Why?/What does it mean to you?

Mental health. I can already tell it’s something I will advocate for, for the rest of my life. I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember and I want to make sure that I build a community where people feel comfortable talking about their mental health and emotions and thoughts and understand that they are valid, regardless of what anybody else may tell them.

I want to educate people and raise funds for people who can’t afford therapy or medication.

I remember how hard things were for before I found blogging and even now I still have really awful moments where I go to really dark places and I don’t want that to ever be something anybody has to go through. And if it is, then I will do whatever I can to help and be there for those people. Always.

But other than that:

Violence against women; violence against POC, violence against the LQBTQ+ community