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I'm weak. I always was. I tried to hurt myself so many times. It was long ago, but I remember every scar now. At times I think about my life: it was never too shitty maybe, or something like that. But fuck, it was shitty enough to end everything. That's all because of my native talant - to burn from the inside. 'Cause yeah, it's easier to say: "I burned and ready to breathe againg" than talking the truth like: "I just was too scared to do this". I'm still scared to call your mother and ask her taking me to visit your grave.Forgive me, love. I'm ashamed of my weakness. I'm ashamed of my fucking self.

Some people in my life looks more attractive when they were unhappy. They got hurt with anything, they were on the edge, but goddamnit they felt trully alive. And then they turned to nothing with their happiness and sugary OK. They turned to dead. I'm afraid of becoming such person whithout self personality. Afraid of dying inside. And if I'll ever turn to some kind of blind or grey spot - please, shoot me.

I just saw Bad Lieutenant ;_; Holy fuck, it's the most filthiest, depressed and wasteful movie I've ever seen. The Bad Lieutenant's life looks like a manual for juniors "how to destroy your life with some sluts, drugs, alcohol and big debts when you're a cop".Lord, I need to wash my hands 'cause of all these dirty right now. But anyway, this movie is the one of the greatest stuff about bad cops with bad habits ever.5/5