Deathwish

Monday

It's something I think about often: what would happen, should something suddenly happen? You know, I take that step onto the busy city street, and wham! a bus strikes me down. Or driving home one day from work, I'm involved in some horrible car accident which leaves me dead as one of the victims. What would happen to my secrets? Would they be safe?

Well, it would be unlikely that anyone would knowingly tell my family..the few that actually know my family and my secret have no desire to either out themselves or do any harm to me, i.e., I've always left people on pretty good terms (Ross). Others, those many..uh, hundreds of people at this point, may know that I'm married, but have little other knowledge of my whereabouts, or when I'd even be calling upon them again. So what do I have to worry about?

Well, there is the phone and computer thing. I obviously have left multiple computer and phone trails to this and other sites, emails, phone numbers, contacts..they're all there for anyone interested in doing some thorough research. But, why would anyone do that? Who knows..nonetheless, it's still a concern of mine that someone, somewhere would email me after my untimely demise and let the proverbial cat out of the bag. Or that someone would somehow get into my computer..find out my phone password, somehow..open Pandora's Box.

They would see my calls..my texts, Grindr information, the websites I've been on, the Craigslist searches, the multitude of clear and plain evidence that I have so deftly tried to hide. After all this time, after so much careful planning, sneaking..to be found out after my demise...and it to be left out there for them to see. I worry about that..I worry that someone - my wife, kids, family - someone would see it and their world would spin out of control. People are no longer crying and mourning my death, but spitting in my grave..cursing my every existence. There should be a service..a person, an "app" you can use to wipe the slate clean..clean your phone, your computer archives..make sure that everything you've worked on to keep things secret remains a secret after you die.

I also worry..well, maybe worry wouldn't be the word, but I do have concern that if something should happen, that this blog..would suddenly go dark..and nobody would know - what ever happened to Bi Like Me? He just..just disappeared! Not a good bye..not a sign off...nothing!

So...just so you know..I'd never leave you guys in a lurch..I'd want to give a final, last goodbye. Whether I'm able to do that or not..is not up to me. So, I guess, I'm hoping for a painless, but not a quick death. I can see it now: trying to get the nurse to delete things from my phone, clear my web history and log onto this blog..while I dictate one last post..