Wednesday, May 25

So the big difference between me and those girls on The Bachelor, is that I don't even get to be famous while sitting around waiting for him to decide. Therefore, I will also not be bombarded with requests for dates simply because I was on TV, nor will I have a fancy limo to cry in if I'm not chosen.

Tuesday, May 24

As much as I bitch and complain about my lack of a love-life, I am the luckiest person alive when it comes to friendships. My friends make me feel special every single day. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing people as comrads in this thing we call life...from Australia to California, from Canada to Georgia (and all that's in-between!)...I couldn't be luckier.

Last week was quite the week for me. My girl from high school came for 4 short days to the little state of Rhode Island. We caught up on the quality hang-out time we had been missing the last few months, and it was so wonderful. She reminds me of the girl I used to be, the girl that thought she'd always be alone (wait a minute...), but didn't care. I'm reminded when I'm with her, that I'm not alone. That she'll be there every step of the way, most likely experiencing a very similar path. And most importantly, I'll at least have someone to back me up when I'm being pathetic. She's one friend in the world that I can do absolutely nothing with..and still love it. She and I have moved further away from each other every year (physically). One of these days, we better settle as next door neighbors, missy!

After she left to get some much needed action on the West Coast (um...YAY!), another friend came to visit. I don't believe we stopped yappering once (minus the sleeping hours and mouthfuls of yummy, carb-laced delights. But then again, no one was awake to verify we didn't keep talking in our sleep, which we very well could have done.). We had months and months to catch up on, and we only had a few hours to do so. It was all too short, but all too necessary. Thank you so much for making the trek up here, S. I can't express to you what it feels like to know we lost nothing in our lack of communication. You're a special lady, and I'm so lucky to have met you when I did!

Also last week, in a rather bittersweet event, another close friend moved across the country..and I couldn't be happier for her. It was not an easy move, but in so many ways, it was the right move. She's been rather lucky when it comes to various aspects of her life, and I do hope the luck spills over into the rest of it. I couldn't imagine a more deserving person than her. She's genuine, kind, and probably one of the funniest people I know. If she weren't at the other end of my almost-daily phone calls, I'd be lost.

Then there's T, a rather reoccurring character in my stories here at Undecided. And I say character in every definition of the word...because a character, she most certainly is. I may not have shared this story, but the day I met her will forever be recalled. I had just moved here and started as a temp in what is now my real position. I had been working here for a couple of months before she showed up, also hired as a temp. I was starved for interacton with people my own age, that I had already decided we'd instantly be friends before I even met her. (I mean, she was from Maine and everything.) So she's getting introduced, and before she even got to the second syllable in her name, I was already shaking her hand telling her I was from Maine, too, and we should hang out some time. And that we did, and we haven't stopped since (as I even moved in with her and her man). I often admit how desparate I was when she started working here, and along with that, have had to admit I was also rather psycho-like when attacking her on her first day at the job. But hey, I wasn't wrong, was I? Huh, T?! HUH!?! I KNEW WE'D BE FRIENDS!! Anyway, I have met very few people in this world that I can spend as much time as I do with her, and actually still talk to one another. She has been my savior in this city. I think daily how if I hadn't met her, I would probably be poorly dressed and begging for friends on Thayer....and no one would EVER get my jokes. Don't worry, T, I'll always be there to laugh at your jokes. Someone has to. HAHAHA. (hehehe...love you!)

And there are so many more, so this will have to be an ongoing post...so stay-tuned (including one about a particular GREAT friend over at my favorite blog, Velumptuous, who I have also mentioned numerous times)...I am one lucky gal. Thank you so much for being in my life, you are each amazing in your own ways, and I will never stop appreciating you! I love you all!

Monday, May 23

My life as of late has turned into one long, drawn-out episode of The Bachelor. Only I'm without the fancy dresses and tropical islands, or million-dollar Malibu home.

I believe it began in high school, with E. My little hippie boyfriend, who brought feelings out I had yet to experience. After 3 months of being with me, he calls me up to break the news. He had had a girlfriend. OF. 3. YEARS. He felt horribly guilty, and eventually went back to her. Later, I began dating R in the class below me. It was exciting. It was as hot as a high school relationship could get. But after 3 weeks, he had told me he didn't want a girlfriend, he wasn't ready for one. It was within a week he started dating my friend, of whom he stayed with FOR. 3. YEARS.

Then there was H in college. He left for a course in Prague after an incredible month of being together, leaving with promises of thoughts and words of hope. We would pick this back up when he came back, this he was sure. The first week he was gone, he said he missed me and didn't think it was going to be as bad as it turned out to be. Then the email became more and more sparse, the conversations generic and painful. When he came back he said he had felt nothing. When I kissed him, it was blank. I asked if he had met someone, and he said yes.

Then, after a few interspersed between, there was, as you are familiar with (and undoubtedly annoyed with hearing about)...the Ghost. I had met him in the post office. He was standing at the counter, for what seemed like an eternity. Our eyes met, I smiled. Before I left, I looked one more time and his eyes had never left me. I smiled once more, assuming that would be the last I would see of him. My friends convinced me after work that night to meet them at the bar for a round of darts. I walked in, and it was as if his eyes had been with me the entire day into the night. There he was, the guy from the post office. The Ghost. We spent what would be the most incredible few weeks of my life. But inevitably, he was left with a choice. His wife (yes, his WIFE) ended up with the prize (rightly so, I do admit), and I was left again with the feeling I would never be the one on top. I would forever be second runner up in this battle of contest Love*.

And here I find myself again, awaiting the final rose. After almost two years of being convinced that I was left incapable of feeling again, it having been shut off the day he disappeared, has been torn open in a matter of a night. Suddenly, I can feel again. And it scares the shit out of me. He told me yesterday it's between me and her. He has to make a decision, and it won't be easy. In my mind...I'm the obvious choice, how could I not be? But then I look at my track record, the odds are against me. Except, maybe it's about damn time I do get the final rose. I mean, one of these days, I'll have to end up in first place. Life isn't that cruel.

At least give me my final date, Chris. Or surprise me with more time like you did for Charlie with that annoying chick Krisiley and innocent Sarah B. I'm tired of waiting my turn, knowing my time will come. I'm ready for my turn to be now. I have too much to give.

The rose ceremonies have not only run it's course for me, but for primetime as well. I'm done competing. And really, you should be too.

Friday, May 20

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, folks, but somewhere along the lines, things went backwards on me. For the majority of my adult and teenage life, I've had to talk myself out of wanting to be..um..."with" someone. Now. I'm trying to talk myself into wanting it entirely. What happened? Did I step outside of myself at some point, and not find my way back in? Am I really 25 and not wanting a sexy and willing, definitely hot and incredible, man? What is wrong with me?! Can someone PLEASE. TELL. ME!

Nevermind. I'll tell you what's wrong with me. It's been wrong with me right along with what's been right with me all these years. My mind is somewhere else. With someone else. OF COURSE. Why would it be so simple that I would actually be WITH that someone else...both physically and mentally.

BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS EVIL. It apparently has a conspiracy against me. I'm decidedly taking revenge. Yes. You heard me. DECIDEDLY.

Thursday, May 12

Some people have told me that maybe I need time off from dating, time to myself. What they don't know is even though I may be lucky in regards to getting dates, not once have I been emotionally involved in any of them except for one, and that was almost two years ago. Which translates to so much time to myself, I start wondering half-way through the evening, whether I'll get myself lucky that night, regardless of whether or not I paid for my dinner. Dating seems to have become a form of entertainment lately. Only the entertainment is now effecting how I think. I'm no longer as excited as I should be; I worry, I analyze, I think of cancelling because I wonder: what's the point? Chances are, I'm not going to be interested in him. Then I'm continuously avoiding phone calls and coming up with excuses not to go out with them again. I'm not saying all this to complain that my life is rough because all these guys like me; I'm not, I know I'm fortunate...I'm just wondering if these will forever be my options. Lackluster males with too-large of egos that are incapable of taking hints easily, or giving up at the first sign of no interest, that I couldn't be more blatant about. I don't want dates. I want emotional involvement. A glimmer of something to help me realize I'm not what I fear most: incapable of feeling anything but annoyance.

Yesterday, unexpectedly, a little bit of that glimmer found it's way to my desk. But my issue (I always have issues) with all this is I've started expecting the glimmer to be fake, to burst as soon as we begin our first conversation, before the food has even reached our table. The frustrating part of it all (although it may not seem it), is that I tell myself to be hopeful, as I'm fully aware that being pessimistic might very well be the pin that is bursting the bubble. I try to supress the voice in my head that's questioning whether it's worth it anymore. I try to make the voice that thinks maybe this time it will be right, loud enough to drown out the negative.

Then again, maybe it won't be so bad dating myself for a while longer...at least I control whether or not I get lucky. And I'm fully capable of getting the hint. As long as that optimistic voice stays drowned, that is.