Oh baby! Did you hear the news? ABC Family's hit comedy Baby Daddy returns tonight with a smile-inducing, side-splitting, hilarious all-new episode — and we’ve got all the details on the Wheeler family shenanigans coming up this summer. Hollywood.com recently caught up with the cast and, after nearly crying from laughter, we’ve gathered the top 5 reasons why you need to tune into Season 2 of Baby Daddy starting tonight.
1. A TWISTED LOVE TRIANGLEOkay you ready for this? Danny likes Riley, but Riley likes Ben, and now Ben is starting to like Riley, but Riley has found a new fella played by the wonderful Matt Dallas. Are you confused yet? Chelsea Kane teases that girls everywhere will fall for Dallas’ character Fitch Douglas. "Matt Dallas comes on and he plays a saint. No really, he’s perfect. He’s saving children, he’s a great dancer, he’s pretty wonderful." Kane complains with a sarcastic smile that having three handsome guys vying for her affection can be draining on set. "It was a really hard season. They’re all just so unattractive and they have no personality and they’re all awful." Yes, that definitely sounds like the worst job ever!
2. THE TRUTH IS REVEALEDLast season, we all screamed at our TV screens when an oblivious Riley never realized that Danny, a handsome, Greek god of a hockey player, was head over heels for her. However, this season, one of the characters — either Riley or Ben — finally learns of Danny’s true feelings. (We’re just not telling you who!) Derek Theler reveals that things are about to get even more complicated in Season 2 after a voicemail from hell. "It’s always evolving, the whole relationship with Riley and Danny," He says. "Ben is in the picture a little bit more now and he's developing feelings for Riley and it's tough. It's tough for Danny because she has the big crush on my brother, and Danny keeps missing that opportunity to get in there."
3. THE NOT-SO MEAN GIRLThere’s a new girl joining the cast this season and we have a pretty good feeling that she enjoys toaster strudels, the word "fetch," and white gold hoop earrings. That's right, the one and only Lacey Chabert is returning to TV and it's looking like Danny is the lucky fella who gets to court the Mean Girls star. "Oh my God, Lacey was our favorite this whole season!" Jean-Luc Bilodeau exclaims. "She was only slotted to do three episodes in the beginning but they ended up hiring her for like six because she was so awesome and everyone loved working with her." Hmm, we wonder if she still wears pink on Wednesdays...
4. TUCKER'S OLD FLAMERemember Vanessa? She was Tucker's ex-girlfriend that we always heard about but never saw. Well, now we're finally going to meet this mystery woman when she comes back into Tucker's life. Tahj Mowry explains, "Vanessa comes back in Season 2 and creates some havoc again. Tucker has a blind eye to women and sees nothing but boobs, so he's totally down for whatever." Mowry adds with a laugh, "Yes, Tucker is still a very deeply emotional and sensitive character." Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be thrilled with Vanessa's abrupt return and this will cause some serious problems between Ben and Tucker. Yikes!
5. A MORE MATURE BENWe all fell in love with Ben last season as he struggled with the challenges of being a brand-new single father, and now we're going to watch him grow even more. "Along with discovering who he is as a father, Ben is growing and maturing. He's also figuring out this whole side of his life, his love life that he hasn't really experienced before with anybody," Bilodeau says. "I think that eventually you're going to see a different side of Ben and I think that'll be more compatible with Riley." Who do you think Riley belongs with? Cast your vote in the comments below!
Don't miss the Season 2 premiere of Baby Daddy Wednesday on 8:30 PM on ABC Family!
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Flashback episodes and first-time episodes (as in, when two characters finally give in to mounting tension and have sex for the first time, making 'shippers the world over rejoice) are not exactly virgin territory for sitcoms. While New Girl has done the flashback thing time and time again (often with mixed results), they most certainly haven't had Nick and Jess do it before.
That's right, it finally happened: after weeks and weeks of agonizing teasing, flirting, and longing glaces on confusing first dates, Nick and Jess had sex. And much like any first time, expectations were sky high and left you with feelings of confusion, exhilaration, and — let's be honest with ourselves — a little bit of concerned regret. Was it too soon? But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's slow down and start from the beginning, baby.
The aptly titled "Virgins" found the gang hanging out where they spend far too much time for an attractive group of early thirty-somethings: the bathroom. Jess was helping Cece shave her underarms (I don't know if this is like the pillow fight urban legend, but this does not happen), Winston was talking about getting the chance to hook up with Daisy again (the guy needs something to do on the show, why not have it be a beautiful woman), and Nick was creeping in the stall listening in (like he apparently does more than anyone had known).
After Jess got a text from some schmo named Teddy who wanted to meet her for drinks, Nick went into a tailspin of jealousy after she revealed the mystery man was actually the one who took her flower. ("He stole a flower from you and you wanna have drinks from you.... Oh, from your wonderful secret garden." Aw, Nick). When Cece butted in and claimed that Jess had the most embarrassing story about losing one's virginity, well, the rest of the gang had to chime in with their own tales of first-time fornication.
While Jess claimed up and down that hers was not only the most embarrassing, but also had the intrigue of murder, her house mates had far worse stories and even more illegal activities. Here, I'll rank the gang's virginity stories from most humiliating to least based on their tales.
Winston: Oh, good god, poor Winnie. This guy can't catch a break. He's nothing more than filler on the show (though he has had some consistently hilarious one-liners over the past few weeks, including last night's masterfully executed and accurate cry of "Oregon sucks!") and now he's the guy with the worst story about losing the V-card. For years Winston was convinced that he wooed the ladies of the night that Nick's dad Walt Miller (Dennis Farina, back from the dead) brought the boys during a visit to New York City. Well, one lady in particular: Mysteria. Apparently that name wasn't a dead enough giveaway that she was a prostitute, and neither was the fact that she laughed in his face when he asked her what she does for a living. Then again, young Winston legitimately didn't know how Titanic was going to end. Even when Nick honored his father's memory by waiting until he was dead to tell Winston the truth (the flashback of their father-son chat was not only sweet, but imperative to the Nick-Jess story line, but more on that in a bit) the guy just didn't want to believe the truth.
Schmidt: In any other group of friends, Schmidt's story of being 200 pounds overweight and using so much lube that he slipped off his bunk bed and on to his roommate would win, but Schmidt clearly isn't humiliated by the story. I mean, why else would he be trying to replicate the escapade with his college girlfriend, Elizabeth? (Sorry Cece, I'm really pulling for these two to wind up together. Schmidt is most himself around her, because she knew him before he was Schmidt). Still, the sequence was a physical comedy gem, between a tripping-on-shrooms Nick "magnetically stuck" to the wall and a Fat "The Sex Haver" Schmidt trying in vain to get up from the floor covered in lube.
Jess: Nice try, Jessica Day. While your story may have started out with your nerdy prom date stabbing himself in the hand with steak knives because he couldn't get you out of your dress and moved to you trying to lose your virginity in a plastic castle on a playground (with a murdered guy on a bench mere feet away) to a handsome fellow (played by Dylan O'Brien) who couldn't get it up and figured out he was probably gay, it still ended with you losing your virginity to a handsome firefighter named — you guessed it — Teddy. Jess' road to losing her virginity at 22 was paved with sewing and social mishaps, including singing Lisa Loeb's "Stay" far too much, but hers ultimately turned out to be pretty great.
Nick: We didn't get a flashback of Nick's story (we did get a taste of Nerd Nick and Hippie Nick, however, in Winston and Schmidt's stories) he did sweetly reveal to Jess that he lost his to a gal named Allison Daniels on a towel in the woods. He cried and she left her bra on. "It was nice," he reflected. Sounds pretty status quo, but by no means terrible.
Cece: Of course. Of course Cece had the best losing her virginity story. She lost it on prom night...but not to Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny, but Mick Jagger. "Game changer!" as Schmidt exclaimed, only to wrongly later exclaim, "Beatlemania!"
But even though she had the best story, Cece wasn't exempt from the more emotionally draining and exhausting land mine that is the sex life of a grown-up. She still hasn't had sex with her groom-to-be, Schmidt was still trying out all his tricks (namely German sex device The Arch Duke, which requires 16 batteries), and Winston still got a little too turned on by Titanic. We might grow up, but deep down we're all still insecure, nervous teenagers.
I mean, just look at Nick and Jess: two grown-ups clearly attracted to each other who continue to dance around each other's feelings and hope the other will make the first move. It's amazing neither of them have passed each other notes under their doors from across the hall. Sure, technically Nick became a man when he had sex with Allison in those woods so many years ago, but he didn't truly become an adult when he took his father's advice to stop over-thinking and take charge of a moment. Which is exactly what he did when he ran after Jess in the elevator, took her in his arms like a damn man, and carried her to the bedroom. "Let's not think about it," he growled to a clearly into-it Jess. (The girl loves her take-charge men).
I will always love Walking Human Disaster Nick (the guy who doesn't know that tuxedos and suits are different things) but I think I love Sexy Smoldering Nick a little bit more. That guy can stay. Well done, Jake Johnson, you have officially set the bar far too high for reasonable expectations.
Back in the bedroom, the two friends looked at each other and then the bed and then back at each other again, knowing this was the point of no return. While we only saw a post-coitus Nick and Jess blissfully going through a range of emotions from surprise to delight to anxiousness right back to delight, all the episodes leading up to this moment have been arguably sexier and you can pretty much just let your imagination run wild as to how hot their session was.
While we'll have to wait to see how these two deal with things post-hookup (I mean, they could barely handle a kiss or a dinner date without freaking out) from the look of things, they seem pretty damn happy about this inevitable rendezvous. He smiled, she smiled, he laughed, she laughed (and snuck in an adorable "Ruh-roh" for good measure) and the episode faded to black. Keeping in line with the theme of virginity, all this did was leave fans wanting more. What a tease!
Here now are the other best lines and moments from "Virgins":
- "Oh, you need help? Where's your Women's Lib now?!" - Schmidt to Jess- "Who cares about the theme, what were you wearing?" - A worked-up Nick to Jess, about her prom- Jess Day in the year 2000: major credit to the New Girl hair and wardrobe team for making the already-youthful Zooey Deschanel actually look like a rosy-cheeked high schooler.- Nick's wrong, desperate claim that girls don't like guys who play guitar. - "David Foster Wallace, where is the sex?" - An annoyed Schmidt to Jess. - Even though College Hippie Nick is as about as lame as College Hippie Ted on HIMYM, I give him the slight edge over Nerdy High School Nick as I too was/still am "a Daver." Plus, he tried to reason with the shroom-induced troll he hallucinated by telling it, "I don't want any trouble; I think you're a remarkable creature." - "She was a nurse! Her nurse hat was in her purse!" - Winston, still in denial about Mysteria. - Fat Schmidt unknowingly hitting on Cece of the Past with lines like "Do you like DVDs?" and "Does this bar have cookies?" - Jess describing her date's erectile dysfunction as a "wind sock on a windless day." - "Let's not think about it." Yeah, I know I mentioned it already, but it deserves a second mention. And bonus points for the use of the very awesome "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding. Perfection.
So, what did you think of "Virgins"? Is this the beginning or the end of Nick and Jess, and in turn New Girl? I'd say I can't wait to find out (and I think it's the beginning, as this show is the best comedy on television and will only continue to hold that title), but Taylor Swift appears on the Season 2 finale in two weeks. For now, I'll just bask in this Nick and Jess afterglow.
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Can you believe we're already on week four of Game of Thrones? Apparently it's come time for s**t to get real — as even though there were a few check-in scenes we could have done entirely without (sorry Bran), I think fans should be pleased with this week's action. I was personally most intrigued by Arya's meeting with Beric Dondarrion of the Brotherhood Without Banners (not to mention Theon's capture!) but the moment everyone will likely be talking about at the water cooler tomorrow is Dany's final meeting with the slave trader. It was only a four minute scene (the only time we had with her this week) but the end shot of Dany marching through the desert with 8,000ish Unsullied and 3 — yes, 3 — dragons should satiate Dany fans for quite some time.
But enough about blondie. How are we feeling about Theon's massive betrayal? About Jaime's fading desire to live? Sansa's upcoming marriage to a gay man? Let's dig in!
Jaimenne: Had you forgotten for ten seconds about last week's harrowing final moments, when Jaime Lannister's prized member was chopped like a chicken gizzard? Well in case you had (dummy) we opened up on a close-up of the damned thing this week, dangling off Jaime's neck to remind him and whomever may pass of his great shame. "How many fingers do you think we can stick up his ass?" Locke's crass men wondered (out loud). It must be noted that while all of this was going on Jamie was as vacant as a Beverly Hills housewife after her morning pill cocktail, while Brienne looked absolutely horrified at the deterioration of her long-time travel partner. They also made jokes about Cersei anally raping him (don't know how that would work) so that didn't help.
Jaime had given up so much that he literally just toppled off his horse into the mud, a la Season 1 Drogo. It wasn't pretty seeing my boyfriend this way, it most definitely was not. He picked a one-handed fight with Locke and his men in an attempt to just die already without his precious right hand, but no one was going to make it that easy for him. Plus, the bounty on his head is sure to be insane, dismemberment or no.
That night, as they camped, Brienne had to essentially force my poor Lannister Lion to take a bite of food. "You need to live," she said. "To take revenge." Jaime did not agree, as now that his hand had been forcibly removed, he had nothing left to live for. "I was that hand," he said. Brienne wasn't happy about this. "You get one taste of the real world, where people have important things taken from them, and you whine and cry and quit. You sound like a bloody woman." With those shockingly cruel words as a motivator, he ate. Feminism!
Brienne also revealed that she knew what Jaime had done for her. The Sapphire Island she was from was so called due to its icy blue waters, not because of any presence of sapphires. Jaime had obviously known this, but lied to save her anyway. Why? We, and probably Jaime himself, don't know — mostly because he pulled a Don Draper and didn't answer the question. But I have my own theories — when you think about it, Brienne is the first legitimate friend Jaime Lannister has ever had. He doesn't know what to do with this newfound attachment, but he's fully aware of the fact that it's there. TBD. Your allotted time is OVER, Jaime and Brienne.
King's Landing: What a great way to start the week off in old KL — with a conversation between Tyrion and Varys! Tyrion wanted to chat about Blackwater, or more specifically, that one little part where one of Cersei's men tried to kill Tyrion. Either to change the topic or… oh, who knows what is motivating Varys, ever, he finally regaled Tyrion with the story of how he was cut. To paraphrase:
Varys was a traveling actor in the free cities, until some dude who seemed like a pedophile bought him. "He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses… he sliced me root and stem, chanting all the while." He then burned Varys' you-know-what, the flames turning blue, until a voice answered his chants. Horrible. Just terrible. But wait.
THERE'S A GOD/DEMON THAT FEEDS OFF THE JUNK OF LITTLE BOYS!? We've always known that Westeros and Essos (that's across the Narrow Sea, FYI) were f**ked up, but this creature needs the full wrath of Megan's Law on his ass.
Anyway. Despite his dicklessness, Varys proved that you don't need "balls" to be a badass, despite what popular vernacular would have you believe. He hates all magic now — hence his willingness to fight Stannis, Melisandre, and their Lord of Light — and he even captured his own red priest dickcutter and now keeps him shackled in a box. "Influence grows like a weed," he explained to Tyrion, now clearly using his own struggles as a more painful metaphor to Tyrion's current one. "I tended mine patiently, until its tendrils reached from the Red Keep all the way across to the far side of the world, where I managed to wrap them around something very special."
"I have no doubt the revenge you want will be yours in time," he finished. "If you have the stomach for it."
Later, Varys went to speak to Roz about Pod the Lustrous Lover, as he too apparently could not believe the stories about his free session last week. Roz said that it was not size-related, but the ladies did say that he was the most extraordinary "man" they'd ever met. When Varys pried for more, all Roz could say was what she was told — that it was "hard to describe." Well, here we have it folks — the big mystery of Season 3. Shout out your guesses in the comments!
Varys and Roz also chatted about Littlefinger, who was about to sail off for the Vale and Lady Lysa of the Gross Breastfeeding Lysas. Varys wanted information on his plans for Sansa, and Roz revealed that he had booked twobeds for his journey. Oh, the look on Cersei's face when she finds out will be worth that extra fare alone.
Meanwhile, my one true king Joffrey took Margaery on your typical second date, you know, the date where you show the lady places where people had been brutally murdered. "What's left of her is buried in the crypts right down there!" he said with glee. They ran into Cersei and the Queen of Thorns who were in the midst of wedding planning, where Margaery again got to show Cersei just how whipped her son actually was. But Cersei saw through it. She saw right through it. The conversation switched from wedding tables to the stupidity of men (a favorite in my household as well). "We mothers do what we can to keep our sons from the grave; they do seem to yearn for it," QoT said. And yet the world belongs to them, Cersei replied. The look on QoT's face said, "Not in my house, Lady.".
Margaery and Joffrey wandered off to the Targaryen graves, which Margaery was particularly happy to see. "Sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness," she remarked. "Swoon," Joff replied. Then they heard the jibber jabber of the po'folk outside, and Margaery convinced Joffrey to take his first official visit. "You lead the defense of King's Landing," she cooed. "They adore you."
So King's Landing's evil Obamas walked outside and waved to their adoring public. As a result of this, Cersei came running to Tywin, giving some speech on how he should trust her more as she was the only one who listened to him growing up. He heard her council, but all she did was bitch about the Tyrells, specifically how Margaery knew how to manipulate her son. Tywin, being somewhat more logical than his sister, knew that this was a good thing — as Joffrey, being stupid, needed to be properly manipulated. "I don't distrust you because you're a woman, I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are."
QoT Olenna, meanwhile, headed to the gardens for a chat with Varys about Ms. Sansa Stark. And boy, when these two trade verbal barbs it is magnificent. I know we all love Tyrion, but these two surely contain the sharpest minds in King's Landing, or at least best know how to use them. Anyways, Varys wasn't happy about Littlefinger stealing off with Sansa, as "Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros." He was born without land or title, and now had both — and soon he'd have Sansa Stark, the "key to the North" should Robb fall. How easily could the silver-tongued serpent garner up an army then you think? Especially from the high-up comfort of the Eyrie?
His solution was to try to marry Sansa to a Tyrell — and as they spoke, the little dove herself was approached by her proposed future relative Margaery, as she was praying, of course. Those Starks and their goddamned praying. Now we all know that Margaery is manipulative and cunning and Sansa is… nice … but their "friendship" actually seems somewhat genuine, or at least as genuine as a Tyrell friendship can be. The Joffrey Survivor's Club must create a special bond of sorts, but I'm interested to see Margaery's plan for Sansa — being who she is, she probably would not take on a friendship that did not work to her benefit. Part of Margaery's plan now involves setting Sansa up for a sexless marriage with a gay husband (Loras), but considering Sansa's alternatives right now that's probably for the best.
Craster's School of Incest and Wizardry: Up north, absolutely no one was happy at Craster's Keep. Which I get, because it's an incest and murder haven surrounded by White Walkers where you're only allowed a warm bed if you are actually sleeping with Craster. Sam met Gilly's baby who, unsurprisingly, was male — or as we call it over on The Walking Dead, Walker-bait. Gilly was all ornery over the impending death of her child, to the point where she angrily gave back poor old Sam's token of his affection. Oh no. This has to end. This has to end now.
That night, the creatures of the Night's Watch had to bury a ranger from starvation, since Craster was still being an ass and not sharing his food. Starvation will drive a man to insanity, so it's not too surprising that those terrible guys who torture Sam walked inside, called Craster a "Wildling Bastard" and gutted him like a fish. Mayhem! Mayhem, I tell you! One of them stabbed even Commander Mormont, which is sad. RIP Dany's friend's dad. You were nice, I guess.
So now the jerks of the Night's Watch are free to roam as they please, while Sam has run away with Gilly and her baby. "Run fast, Piggy!" the main douche shouted. "And sleep well! I'll be cutting your throat too, one of these nights."
And Now for a Brief Useless Interlude With Brandon Stark: Bran and Jojen, Actually had a shared crow dream again, only this time Catelyn appeared to throw Bran out of a tree. Boom. That is literally all that happened. See you next week for 45 seconds, Bran.
50 Shades of Theon: So Theon was still riding with that mysterious boy from the torture dungeon, who offered a story about his life in the Iron Islands; specifically the day Lord Balon Greyjoy sent Theon away. It was so mean and horrible! All of this had been just too much for the poor loyal boy to bare, so when he saw his former Lord tortured, he knew it was time to act. This would all be very believable had he not said "winter is coming" last week. Not something you hear very often on the Iron Isles, ya know?
They entered a castle of sorts through the wet and rainy dungeons, supposedly looking for Theon's sister Yara and her men. Theon told his sad tale about life with the Starks and actually showed remorse for his shitty decision(s) last year, making him ten times more sympathetic who the Theon that appears in the books. I still wonder if they've kept him around these extra seasons (he's gone books 2-5) due to the likability of Alfie Allen's version of the character (and his abs?). It would make sense, as he's damn good. Anyway, Theon is especially torn up over the murder of the two butcher's boys, which, good. He should be.
They entered the room where Yara would be waiting, except it actually contained… The same cross he'd been tortured on for weeks! Oh, [name still redacted] you cruel, clever boy. He told the remaining men that THEON had killed the others, thus improving his own standing in the house. So, more torture it is for the kid who just can't catch a break.
Team Wolf Bread: Arya and Gendry were still wearing hooded cloaks as Thoros and the rest of the Brotherhood carried them off to their destination, which Lady Arya was not too happy about. But they let her drink rum, which is more hospitality than she'd get from Craster. Eventually Thoros led them into a cave where "neither wolves nor lions could prowl" — and in this cave was both Sandor Clegane (tied up) and Beric Dondarrion, the knight Ned Stark sent out to kill Gregor Clegane back in Season 1.
But Beric Dondarrion had changed. Not just the actor — he was different too, but I'm more talking about the fact that he had embraced the Lord of Light and now spent his time preying on people who preyed on the weak. Dondarrion didn't approve of murder, though — he would only kill Gregor after a "trial" of sorts, which really just meant someone accusing him of something bad enough to justify Dondarrion murdering him.
Luckily, lo and behold, Arya was there, and she was still pretty pissed about her ill-fated friend from Season 1. "You murdered the butchers' boy!" she said. "He was 12 years old. He was unarmed. And you rode him down." Lest we forget how badass she is, she also owned up to being the one to have hit Joffrey, with a "WTF are you going to do with it?" manner. So Dondarrion called for a trial by combat (aw, where's Bronn when you need him?) which led to some Sandor Clegane trash-talking, which I'm only mentioning because he taunted Dondarrion by saying "Is the girl the bravest one here?" and Dondarrion pretty much said yes, which I loved because I essentially worship the ground that child walks on. But alas, the rest will have to wait for next week.
Dragon Tales: Speaking of someone a lot of girls love to worship (but I still don't get it, sorry) we ended the episode with Dany making her final trade (Drogon) for her army of only-so-so-about-nipples-could-take-or-leave-them soldiers. Again the trader was sexist and crass in his foreign tongue… until Dany walked away with her slave-owner stick LIKE A BOSS and started addressing her army in that very same language. She knew all along! Valyrian is her mother tongue, duh.
The trader could not get Drogon to behave, which is another "duh" because Drogon is a freaking monster dragon. And now that Dany held the talking stick the Unsullied would do whatever she said, which this time was "kill everyone else holding a slave talking stick and free all the slaves." It was a bloodbath, and when Dany uttered the word "Dracarys" he breathed fire upon that bald-headed bastard. RIP, crass sexist slave-trader man.
Dany stood silently in this bordello of blood, as an explosion of flames took place dramatically right behind her. Once all was said and done, Jorah Mormont of the now fatherless Mormonts took a look at his Queen, who was quickly slipping out of his grasp. She was a woman now — a fearless women with thousands of seasoned warriors (and a hot translator) at her disposal. Of course she did her thing she always does where she says that everyone is free and can choose to follow her or not, but these Unsullied are bred to be killers-for-hire, so we knew they weren't going anywhere. Instead they used their spears to start a chat of sorts for Dany, and they all took off and headed… who knows where. I'd say Westeros, but we all know that's a lie. Either way, freaking crazy impressive army, Dany.
What did you think of this week's episode? Are you sick of the 45-second "catch up" scenes or do you like seeing every character every week? What do you think is the best move for Sansa? Shout it out in the comments, nerds!
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Hmm. For a show currently about "The War of the Five Kings," Game of Thrones is certainly ignoring said Kings right now for some more interesting subjects... mainly, the ladies. And I have to say — I don't mind at all! The captivating Margaery Tyrell has taken King's Landing by storm, and with Dany's army growing by the thousands, I'm thinking that the Iron Throne may have a ferocious female on it by the end of this series — for good. But that will be like ten years from now, so let's stop focusing on the future and just hop right to it!
North of the Wall: And we picked up… right where we left off. Samwell Tarly, scared s**tless by an army of White Walkers, had been abandoned by his Brothers in Black and was running around aimlessly in that North of the Wall wilderness. He saw a decapitated head and almost lost his own when a White Walker with an axe attacked, but in the last second, Ghost (and the Old Bear) saved the day.
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Sam was then scolded for not sending the ravens — his "only job" — because now they were f**ked. Well, I mean, everyone on this show is f**ked, but Sam and his Brothers were in grave danger of freezing to death. And they had to get back to the Wall quickly, the Old Bear said, because "before winter is done, everyone you know will be dead."
And with those words… welcome back to Game of Thrones! It's been a long year, but I'm extremely excited to share the madness that is Season 3 with you all, my fellow Westerosi psychopaths. I must mention that I am a rabid R. R. Martin book reader and will occasionally throw in some comparison/analysis, but this is a NO SPOILER zone, because I am not a total jerk. Still with me? Good. Away we go!
Wildling Camp: Jon Snow, abandoned to the Wildlings as a spy by Qhorin Halfhand, has absolutely no idea what he's doing. I mean, way to leave detailed instructions Halfhand, emIright? He saw his first giant and nearly peed himself to the amusement of Ygritte, who loves nothing more than when Jon doesn't know about something.
Ygritte and her grisly friends brought Jon into Mance Rayder's tent, but not before he was pelted with rocks by the local schoolchildren. "Don't worry," Ygritte teased. "If Mance Rayder likes you, you'll live another day. And if he don't…." She was smiling from ear-to-ear. Such a capable flirt, that Ygritte.
So they went to Mance's tent and pleaded his case, which was basically just "I killed Qhorin Halfhand!" He got on his knees and said "your grace" to the wrong guy — Tormund Giantsbane —which was just hilarious to the Wildlings. They don't kneel to anyone beyond the wall, explained the real Mance Rayder, who quickly caught on to the fact that Jon and Ygritte want to make love in this club. Jon was just so tremendously uncomfortable during this entire interaction, but then Rayder shook his hand so everything was cool. Rayder HATED half hand — and actually, he was the guy that took HALF of his HAND — so Snow was pretty neat in his book.
"Why do you want to join us, Jon Snow?" he asked. Jon said he wanted to be free, but Rayder didn't buy that load of BS. So then he told the story of the dead baby boys and the White Walkers back at Ole Craster's house, and how Mormont already knew about the Walkers' existence and that was just so not cool, and Rayder bought that hook, line, and sinker. Snow was in, and he was in deep. Like The Americans style, just with less fancy wigs.
King's Landing: The Lannister family was just in shambles. Shambles, I tell you! Tyrion had his squire Podrick interrupt Bronn's sexy times in order to accompany him on a visit to Tywin, and their walk through the castle grounds allowed us to see the damage that Stannis' attack had done. But first…
Cersei entered Tyrion's seriously downsized room to further torment her "little" brother, which is her favorite thing to do now that Sansa is sort of a non-entity. She wanted to see his face, she explained, when asked about her intentions. "They said you'd lost your nose, but it's not as gruesome as all that." This is a nod to the injury Tyrion received in the book — there, he actually did lose his nose, and it was totally gruesome. I spent all of last season wondering how they'd deal will Tyrion's injury — I don't think they'd want to make Dinklage impossible to look at — and I'm not at all surprised that they just have him a little scar. Anyway.
Cersei knew that Tyrion planned to meet with Tywin that day, and she wanted the scoop on his agenda. Tywin hadn't visited Tyrion once, which is absolutely terrible and so very Tywin of him. "You're going to make me cry," Cersei said. This reminded me of the hilarious scene in Arrested Development where Lindsay Bluth tried her best to fake tears, and I laughed. Oh, how I laughed.
Cersei was very nervous about what Tyrion was going to tell Tywin, but I think if he was going to spill about the Jaime/Cersei situation he would have done so long ago. Also, Tywin hates him and "loves" his other two children, and would therefore never believe him. So.
The father/son meeting went like this: Tywin accused Tyrion of spending his days as Hand of the King drinking and whoring, when we all know that he spent them coming up with a badass plan to defeat Stannis' army, so, not fair. Also, he was only bedding one whore, which is totally romantic. So Twyin was a big evil grump, and when Tyrion asked for some payment for bleeding and almost dying for his family, you knew it wasn't going to be good.
What did he want? Why, what was owed to him, of course — Casterly Rock (that's the Lannister's mansion/home base, FYI). Though Jaime was the eldest son, he was also in the Kingsguard, so he was unable to hold land or title. Tywin's response?
"I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock…You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature, full of envy, lust, and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors, since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the Gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about, wearing that proud lion that was my father's sigil and his father's before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse. Go now, and speak no more of your rights to Casterly Rock."
EPIC. BURN. Also, probably the cruelest thing I've seen a parent say to their kid on TV, ever. Except for maybe when Caroline on The Real Housewives of New Jersey called her daughter fat for like an entire season. Oh, and one more thing: "the next whore I catch in your bed, I'll hang."
That was intense. Let's move on to err, happier topics. Sansa and Shea seem to have developed a friendship, and now that Sansa isn't tortured by Joffrey 24/7, she has time to do things like stare at boats. Littlefinger approached the daughter of his lady love, and she begged him to take her out of King's Landing. He was waiting on an assignment that would send him far from King's Landing, and Sansa should be ready to leave at any moment. Good for her… right? Err, maybe not.
"Watch out for her," Roz — who has been promoted to Littlefinger's Executive Assistant — said to Shae, of Sansa. "I always do, Shae replied. (Another big departure from this books. That Shae was most definitely NOT loyal to Sansa.) "Watch out for her with him," Roz emphasized. I mean, yes. Littlefinger is a total creepshow.
Finally, it's time for a Joffrey and Lady Margaery update. Joffrey my cat is actually sick with a cold, so there's your update on him, but let's talk about the on-screen version now. Margaery in the books was always sort of a mystery — she never had her own POV chapters, so we haven't gotten to know too much about her. But Margaery on the show is a DYNAMO! She already has all of King's Landing eating out of her precious little hands. She walks around without guards, feeding and telling stories to the poor with at least 80 percent of her breasts exposed at all times. They LOVE her. She listens to their sad tales about that time their father died protecting King Joffrey, and honestly seems to make them feel better. She's a true politician, and I already love her. Oh, I love her so much. "Under King Joffrey's leadership, your fathers saved this city. They saved us all. From now on, we're going to take care of you. All of you." They gather around her like she's King's Landing's version of Jesus — that character from the Roma Downey series The Bible — and she tells the orphanage owner lady to come to her whenever they need food or clothing.
Joffrey watched her with awe — why don't they like me like that, he wonders? I honestly can't think of one reason, Joff! But at least one person seems to like Joffrey a whole lot better than Margaery: Cersei. See, Sansa was easy for Cersei. With her father's head on a spike and her family condemned as traitors, she could control her. Margaery? Not so much. Margaery's family barged in and saved the city during Blackwater, and brought in loads of foods and attractive women.
Cersei's way of dealing with this as of now is with backhanded compliments, but Margaery is just as, if not more, cunning than she is. She deals with Cersei with ease, and our pal Joffrey is smitten. Good drama is on the forefront, methinks. But let's move on...
Ugh, Davos: So Davos is alive. I mean, I knew he was going to be, but his scenes on this show are such a total snooze-bomb. Actually, that's sort of how I feel about everyone involved with Stannis' plot line. Oh well. So he was marooned on some tiny pile of rocks and managed to flag down Salladhor Saan's (the pirate) ship, so yay. Rescue for Davos.
Saan gave Davos an update on the couple we shall now and forever refer to as Stannisandre: Melisandre had burned everybody on Dragonstone who didn't believe in the Lord of Light, and she had sang as she did so. Nice. Still, Davos was just DYING to go back there because he's an idiot, and I guess the following quote from Saan meant yes: "When you're dead, I'll gather your little balls in a sack, and let your widow wear them on her neck."
Let's not speak of Davos for this rest of this recap, yes? Yes? Ugh. No. We have to. Let's make it brief. Saan dropped him off at Dragonstone, and Stannis the Smiley and Melisandre were not in a very good mood. Davos tried to tell Melisandre off for murdering everybody, but she turned it around and said it was somehow Davos' own fault that his son and all of the other men died at Blackwater, because she wasn't allowed to be there. Yeah, totally his bad. Also, she said that he should be happy about his son's demise since death by fire is the purest death, and Davos, understandably, did not react well to this. He tried to go after her, but we all know that Melisandre will never ever die because she's annoying and this show only kills off people we like. They threw Davos in the dungeons, and hopefully he'll stay there silently for awhile.
Camp Robb: Robb Stark, who has TOTALLY morphed into a manly man before our very eyes, approached Riverrun expecting a battle with The Mountain (Gregor Clegane), but when they got there, 200 northmen were dead. Somehow this was all Jaime Lannister's fault, even though Jaime Lannister hasn't been able to do jack s**t since Season 1. Robb's men assured him that Jaime wouldn't be free for long as they had their best man after him, so — FORESHADOWING! Obviously. Jamie is f**ked.
This was also somehow Catelyn's fault, so Robb had his men find her a chamber that would serve as her cell. It's sort of like when kids put their parents in sh**ty nursing homes. Not cool, Robb. But, anyway — this is all we saw of Team Stark this episode. That's what happens when your show has 57 main characters. Moving on.
Across the Narrow Sea: Hey guys, did you know that there are dragons on this show? DRAGONS! Emilia Clarke really doesn't have to do anything besides stand there and look hot and regal and let her Dragons run around and do tricks. Millions of dudes would still watch the show.
But yeah, the dragons are biggish now, and they (and Dany, and the remainder of the folks she had with her in Qarth) were sailing toward Astapor on the ship they bought with Xaro Xhoan Daxos' stuff. I'm really glad he's off the show now, so I don't have to write his name after this ever again. They were there to purchase an army of slaves, even though Dany is a Civil Rights activist and doesn't believe in slavery.
They land, and meet with a slaveowner who says crude things about Dany in a different language while she barters for her army. Bad move, dude. But his beautiful translator gives her the PG version version, explaining that this army of 8000 "Unsullied" are castrated non-men who fear nothing, not even death. To prove his point, the slaveowner walks up to one and cuts his nipple off and just throws it, while the dude stands there without filching. "This one is pleased to have served you," the Unsullied said.
Oh guys. The Unsullied are just so damn weird. And we're going to be with them for quite some time, so buckle up. Get this — in order to earn their shields, they have to rip a newborn babe from its mother's arms and kill it right in front of her, to prove that they have no emotion. This is insane and after last year's slaughter of the Baratheon bastards, Game of Thrones has officially become the most baby-killing-friendly show on TV. But at least they give the mother's owner a silver coin for her troubles. They're not unreasonable, you know?
Dany leaves to think it over, and consults with Mormont. She's not too happy about hiring 8,000 men that have rid their world of 8,000 babies, but Mormont thinks she needs them, and would be a better owner than anyone else who would buy them. To drive the former point home, an androgynous child (a girl, right?) rolled Dany a ball. Cute, Dany thought. A game. But no! A hooded man ran out and knocked the ball out of her hands just in time, before the thing opened up and released some sort of horrifying spider/scorpion combo. The man stabbed it, then revealed himself as Ser Barristan Selmy, the old knight that Joffrey kicked out of the Kingsguard back in Season 1.
Selmy begged Dany for her forgiveness for not protecting her family back when Robert Baratheon took over, and he humbly pledged his service. Now, in the books this mysterious man was not revealed to be the long gone Selmy until near the end and it was a well-earned moment that was somewhat spine-tingling, but we knew that this would be visually impossible for the series to accomplish. So, welcome, Ser Selmy. It's good to have you back.
What did you think of the Game of Thrones premiere? Did you love it, or were you hoping for more action? Are you excited to see more from the Real House-B**ches of Westeros? Or, are you still reeling from what happened on The Walking Dead and full from Easter candy so you need some time to process things? I belong to that latter category, so sayanora for now and see you next week — you, and Arya Stark. (She's in next week's episode, I swear!!)
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
[PHOTO CREDIT: HBO (3)]
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This week’s edition of Leanne’s Spoiler List features five fabulous shows that will make you giggle with excitement and gasp from all the amazing moments that will soon flood your TV screens. Are you ready to return to Westeros?! The stars of Game of Thrones revealed why the ladies are kicking ass and taking control in Season 3, while Revolution's Tracy Spiridakos shed light on all the upcoming darkness and drama in her quest for revenge.
The Middle’s starlet Eden Sher revealed details on tonight’s episode and her elaborate thoughts on a classic SNL character, while Stefania Owen teased that love is in the air on The Carrie Diaries. Plus, I’ve snagged details on tonight’s one-of-a-kind and twitter-friendly event to honor Pysch’s 100th episode. This week’s list is packed to the brim with spoilers so grab a spoon and dig in to the deliciousness!
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1. Game of Thrones: Ladies Night Is in Westeros!
Though many of you reading this may swoon over the lads of Game of Thrones (Robb Stark, Jaime Lannister, sexy bastard Jon Snow, other sexy bastard Gendry, Theon Greyjoy...), the boys aren't part of the only game in this realm — old gods and the new be damned!
We've seen the first four episodes of Season 3, (subtle brag intended) and we think you'll be cheering for the ladies in no time. Newest apple of Joffrey's eye, Margaery Tyrell (former queen-to-be of Renly before he was killed off by a creepy vagina-cloud-monster), has taken quite well to life in King's Landing, and will definitely be a dynamic force to be reckoned with this season.
But it turns out that even an evil Queen Regent who effed her brother to create you can play the jealous mom card. Apparently Cersei, mother to the intolerable boy king, is none too happy with Joffrey's newest romantic development. Especially since — now, take a seat — Joffrey actually LIKES Margaery! (Wait a second, he likes anyone? Ever? Nope!). Cersei's newest distraction is actually a nice break (at least for now) for everyone's favorite ginger-potential-princess-turned-terrified-noble-prisoner.
Sansa isn't a girl anymore (and not yet a woman…), so she's learning a thing or two about the politics of noble relations under Margaery's tutelage. "Margaery and Sansa have a relationship which I think is very much a forced friendship," Sophie Turner, who plays the lovely Sansa, tells Hollywood.com.
"But a true friendship that is very sincere. It’s done for political reasons... for a good end result for the Tyrells and also Sansa. Margaery treats Sansa like a little sister and she educates her, and it’s lovely. It’s a really nice relationship.” But what will she teach her, you ask? "It’s nice to see her going from a chess piece to a player," Turner teased. Yikes! Watch out, Joffrey!
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2.The Carrie Diaries: Hamsters and Hotties
You all already know how much I adore this show, so I’ll keep my gushing to a minimum this week. Carrie is the perfect pre-Sex and The City teen and Sebastian is so hot it almost hurts my eyes, but without a doubt my favorite ‘80s lady is definitely the fiercly independent little sister with a big attitude, Dorrit. So you can imagine my delight when I got the chance to talk with the lovely Stefania Owen last week about Dorrit’s budding love life.
We saw a few weeks ago that Dorrit — in her quest to find Carrie the perfect birthday present — also found a little something for herself: A dark-haired jean jacket-wearing, music store-working hunk named Miller. Although we haven’t seen much from him since, in next week’s episode “A First Time For Everything” Dorrit will turn to an unexpected character for relationship advice: Donna LaDonna! That’s right, while Carrie is out contemplating on going all the way with Sebastian, Dorrit is looking to Connecticut’s biggest skank with a heart of gold for advice on how to handle her first serious relationship with Miller.
“He is the opposite of Sebastian,” Owen explains. “And I think that’s what the writers wanted to have so that you have that contrast.” The 15-year-old actress says that she was eager to watch Dorrit mature through a relationship. “I had a feeling it was coming, but I was surprised and excited — I’m also excited to see how it turns out,” she said.
Dorrit’s relationship status (figuratively speaking of course) is not the only thing that’s going to change for the young Bradshaw — her dark wardrobe will also start to warm up! “The look does change as the episodes go on, and it’s for certain reasons," Owen teases. “Dorrit always changes — one minute she’s the worst child you could ever dream of, but in other moments she’s almost the more responsible child.”
And speaking of changes, here’s the type of question that keeps me up at night: Where the heck did Morrissey the hamster go?! "That’s what I asked!” she says. “I’m really sad because the hamster disappeared and never came back. I thought there would be so many great little scenes between Dorrit and the hamster, but I guess the hamster disappeared. Dorrit wasn’t the best owner I guess.” You’ll always have a special place in our hearts Morrissey!
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3. Revolution: RIP And Revenge
Sorry if there are any typos in this blurb, (yes, that’s the super fancy name I call these things) but you have to bear with me here: I can't seem to see my computer screen clearly through my tears. How heartbreaking was that death on Monday's Revolution? After spending the first half of the season trekking across America to save her brother, Charlie and the rest of the Matheson group of good guys watched in horror as Danny saved the day by blowing up Monroe's locket of power only to get shot and killed himself. RIP, Danny, I'll miss your bright blue eyes and shiny blonde hair!
Renewed with purpose, Charlie (Tracy Spiridakos) now blames Monroe for her brother's death and will do anything to make him pay... even if that means killing him herself. "She is driven to make things right, but she doesn't want to lose her humanity in light of all the things that have happened — that's her inner struggle," Spiridakos tells Hollywood.com. "She definitely continues to be even more badass than before, but will she continue to keep that heart that she's always had. That's her journey."
And Charlie won't be alone in her quest. Exec producer Eric Kripke revealed that taking down Monroe is now the focus of the second half of the season. "It’s really about facing down General Monroe," Kripke tells Hollywood.com. "If the first half of the season was just, 'Find the brother!', that was just the prologue to a much larger story, which is 'Take down the adversary!' The big bad of the season is General Monroe."
The rest of the season is going to be one big fast-paced war movie, according to Kripke. "We’re really able to get into that story now, where it’s these rebels who want to bring back the United States up against the evil empire which is the Monroe Republic," Kripke says. "But how do they do it in a way that lets them stick together as a family? Because, it’s a family show. It’s really about how the bonds of family and love and loyalty can overcome any obstacle, and can they stick together in the midst of this overwhelming and frought situation." They're already down two Matheson family members, let's hope they come out of this war with no more casualties!
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4. The Middle: Sue vs. Superstar!
If your middle name was the exact same as your first name, would you want it to be permanently displayed on your drivers license as a forever reminder of déjà vu? Yeah, me neither! So that’s exactly what Sue Sue Heck is hoping to change in tonight’s all-new episode of The Middle. Eden Sher — the fabulous 21-year-old who brings Sue Heck’s overly enthusiastic personality to life — told me that she has a lot of hilarious moments in tonight’s episode, “The Name.”
“It’s a lot of me popping in and out of scenes, suggesting names, and asking if those names are good, so I got to be a fun punch line,” Sher explains. “A lot of the names that — of course — Sue spoke in seriousness were hilarious, and that was really fun.” When I asked her to reveal some of these giggle-worthy names Sher was coy, saying, “I will say that when she gets fed up and she can’t decide she just picks a name at random in this baby book, one of them is Sue — she lands on Sue.”
While Sue is busy trying to find the perfect middle name, fans can get excited to see one of the world’s most perfect actresses grace their TV screens. That’s right, the legendary SNL vet Molly Shannon, is back in the Heck household to reprise her role of neat-freak Janet. While Shannon has perfected countless of characters over the years, my ultimate favorite has and always will be Miss Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Of course I had to ask the hard-hitting journalistic question: “What do you think would happen if Sue and Mary Katherine ever met?” And I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this is something that has crossed Sher’s mind countless times! “Don’t worry I’ve thought about this!” Sher boasted. “I feel like at first they would be like great friends and they would get a long and be very silly, but I actually think that Sue would eventually be so annoyed with Mary Katherine Gallagher,” she said. “I think they might be a little bit too similar and they don’t see the little things about themselves — like the overly enthusiastic things — that nobody else cares about. I think they might get a little peeved with each other.”
There you have it TV lovers! If Sue Heck and Mary Katherine Gallagher ever ended up in the same room together, their combined enthusiasm would be too much for the two superstars to handle. Now we can all feel like we’ve learned something today!
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5. Psych: The 100th Episode!
Oh hey all you little Psych-o’s out there! Guess what? Tonight is Pysch’s 100th episode and the powers that be at USA Network are shaking things up for Gus and Shawn’s exciting milestone. For the first time ever you — yes even you with that cute shirt on! — have the power to determine the ending to tonight’s epically awesome episode, “100 Clues.”
I’ve already seen the episode and here’s what you need to know: The one-hour special was definitely inspired by the classic 1985 film (and now board game) Clue, because Sean and Gus are invited to a mysterious party in a historic mansion. The party is thrown by Billy Lips, a rock icon who Shawn send to prison five year ago for murder. Yikes!
When a deadly crime is committed five potential and very eccentric suspects emerge: The butler, the Groupie, the Manager, the Author, and the Host. (Unfortunately Mrs. Peacock was MIA from this episode — she was always my favorite character to play!) But who did it? That’s up to you!
Fans on both coasts will have to work together to help Shawn and Gus determine who’s to blame for the night’s events. You can cast your votes for one of the five suspects on psych.usanetwork.com or Tweet your choices using a custom hashtag for each possible culprit (#PsychButlerDDit, #PsychGroupieDDit, #PsychManagerDDit, #PsychAuthorDDit and #PsychHostDDit) Sounds like a lot of freakin fun to me! Who do you think will commit tonight’s crime? Shout out your speculations in the comments below!
How excited are you for Game of Thrones to premiere on Sunday? Who would you rather be friends with: Mary Kathering Gallagher or Sue Heck? Were you sobbing after Monday night’s episode of Revolution? Tell me everything in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
—Additional reporting by Alicia Lutes, Sydney Bucksbaum and Shaunna Murphy
[Photo Credit: Keith Bernstein/HBO; Brownie Harris/NBC; Alan Zenuk/USA; Michael Asnell/ABC; Patrick Harbron/The CW]
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If you boil it down to its component parts, the Real Finger Pointers of Veracity Manor is actually a mystery program. That's why we all tune in. Everyone who doesn't watch the show and sits at home talking about how it is foretelling the end to Western civilization thinks that it is about conspicuous consumption and women fighting. It is not. No, that is not why we watch this. We watch it for the mystery. We watch it for the little moments in between the aggression, the tiny asides, the weighted statements, the accusations made with only the eyes. Yes, especially this bunch of Jessica Fletchers here in Beverly Hills, they are always stirring up mysteries. Did Kyle really steal a house from Kim? Why did Kelsey leave St. Camille of Grammer? Was Taylor abused or not? Exactly what kind of drugs is Kim Richards taking? And just what kind of drugs is Kim Richards on now that she's all better (she looks good). Now we have a new mystery. What the hell did Brandi Glanville say about Adrienne the Queen of the Maloofs? What, exactly, is this very personal secret that was not revealed?
We interrupt our regularly scheduled recap to bring you this message from W.I. Simonson of Santa Monica, selling used Mercedes to 16-year-olds for more than 80 years. Don't you love this white model that Kyle and her husband MMmmmmm bought for their teenage daughter Alexia? Isn't she going to be great driving it? She had to take three tests before she could even get her drivers permit, but, boy, is she going to tear up the rode in this affordable model from W.I. Simonson, right on Wilshire Blvd. Come in and drive home with the car of your dreams and the woman of your fantasies. And if you have a reality show, let us know and we'll give you a nice car for free so that you can put it on the show. Yes, W.I. Simonson, where all the Simons are your sons!
So, yes, we were talking about mysteries. What the heck was Brandi talking about at Lisa's luncheon?
We interrupt our regularly scheduled recap to bring you this message from Vanderpump Rules, which premieres Monday, Jan. 7, at 9 PM. Welcome to SUR, a (air quotes) sexy, (air quotes) unique, (unnecessary air quotes) restaurant in Beverly Hills and meet its owner Lisa Vanderpump who you know very well. "Hello, I am Lisa Vanderpump, and welcome to SUR, a (air quotes) sexy, (air quotes) unique, (unnecessary air quotes) restaurant in Beverly Hills. My new show is all about me and the staff here at my restaurant. Would you like to meet them? No, no, it won't be awkward at all. It will certainly not be like those two episodes of 90210 when Kelly fell in love with Jake only so that he could anchor the cast of Melrose Place. No, it will not be like that at all. First, meet Jax, a man whose abs are as impossible to come by as someone with his name who is taken seriously. He is a bartender here who loves to party. He will chill your rosé at work, but he will heat things up at home. Say hi, Jax. Oh, and this Stasi. She is pretty and wears too much lipstick and likes to cause drama. Last night she made a very stupid joke and then a high powered entertainment agent who is a personal friend of mine stormed out. I'd fire her if she didn't have a contract for the whole first season. Now she thinks she deserves an apology when she was the one who did something wrong. Haha, Stasi. Who do you think you are? Adrienne Maloof? Haha. Don't answer that. I would introduce you to Schaena, a world class spelling-bee champion and cocktail waitress who also slept with Eddie Cibrian, but I sent her home because Brandi is on her way over. We can't have that awkwardness, can we? Well, don't they sound like a really fun crew? Be sure to tune in Monday, Jan. 7, at 9 PM for Vanderpump Rules and learn even more."
Alright, so secrets. Lisa invites a bunch of people to lunch and...
We interrupt our regularly scheduled recap... Jesus, not again... to bring you this message from SUR, which now has a totally new appetizer menu, feature a tomato salad, goat cheese and beef crostini, tuna quesadilla, and all other sorts of delicious food. Are you done now? Yes. OK.
Alright, so Lisa invites everyone over to lunch and Kim Richards is shockingly the second person there! And guess what? She looks good! I mean, Kim is seriously on the mend. She has on a cute outfit, her hair and makeup look nice, she's not mixing chicken salad in a bowl with her bare hands, and she's, you know, coherent. This is a whole new Kim Richards. She's totally sane but, I gotta say, I still kinda like her. Kim decides that she is going to call Kyle and ask her why she's late and goes on this whole meta tirade about how she's so concerned about Kyle because she never comes to things anymore and she's so undependable and always late. Oh, this Kim Richards who can laugh at herself and be funny is delightful. I would like to invite her over for scones and a marathon of RuPaul's Drag Race and we'll just laugh and laugh and laugh at everyone and then we'll go try on outfits from Kim's closet and talk about Witch Mountain. That is what I would like.
So, everyone files in for lunch and somehow Brandi goes on a tear about Adrienne, the queen of the Maloofs. Even before she told Adrien to "shut the front door" in Ojai they were having some sort of complications, but someone at lunch asks her what her problem is with Adrienne and it just opens the floodgates. Oh no, wait. There's a term Brandi has for it. "The truth cannon." Yes, everyone puts on their constructions hats and puts their hands over their ears and she just fires all of her ammunition against Adrienne up in the sky and hope some of it lands on them as it falls back down to earth.
Her major gripe seems to be that Adrienne is a liar which, after her "I have a book deal" sneer at the Ojai dinner, is rather believable. But what exactly is she lying about? Brandi says she... Cue the thud sound effect, cut to the shocked faces of everyone at the lunch, cut to the interviews where everyone says that Brandi's blow was way too low. Oh, yes, we aren't ever going to find out what Brandi was talking about. It has been edited out. It has been covered over. Here is a show that had to talk about domestic violence, suicide, and Kim Richard's boyfriend Pumice who was made out of rocks. This is a show that talked about all these things, but there is one allegation that they will not talk about. It is a secret. It is the love that dare not speak it's name.
What do you think the secret could be? Is Paullo the Chimp cheating on Adrienne? Is she secretly poor? Is she really a man, baby? Was she freebasing with Kim out behind the dumpster at the Beverly Hilton? Is the secret just some book about visualizing the future that she read because she saw it on Oprah? Did she give birth to a race of mole people that live under the mountain? Did she craft her sparkly extensions out of the souls of orphans? Does she not pay her parking tickets? We'll never know. It's a secret!
Well, the problem with the internet is things don't stay secret for very long. According to the scuttlebutt on the web, Brandi said that Adrienne...(Well, if Bravo isn't going to say it, I'm not going to say it either. I don't need a Maloofsuit on my hands. But you can find it here.) That means that during their conversation at dinner in Ojai, Adrienne was lying. Now the information isn't even that personal. Well, it is but it isn't. There's another cast member that did the same thing and has been upfront about it since the show started, so why does Adrienne care? If it is true, why is it a big deal? Why not just own up to it and be fine with it? It's never the secrets that kill you, it's the cover up. And if it is a lie, then why the insane reaction? Why not just correct it for the record and move on?
This is the frame of mind everyone is in going into Kyle and MMMMmmmm's Real Estate Eleganza Party (thanks, Greggy, for the name). It's the christening for his new agency, The Agency. I mean, really MMMmmmm, you couldn't think of a better name? That's like having a cat named The Cat. Just because you call it "The Cat" doesn't mean that is what you put on its birth certificate. At least call the company MMMMmmmmm and Co, LTD or some bullshit. But The Agency? Yeah, good job. I want that creative visonary selling my house. Here, hold this sack of eye rolls.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled recap to bring you this important message. God, what is it this time? We have to tell them about the hotel where they're having the party. OK, fine, but make it snappy. Welcome to the JW Marriott in beautiful downtown... Alright, we don't have time for this. Give us the bullet points. There's a cute event space, as you see. We have a Wolfgang Puck restaurant. There are awesome condos with great views. St. Camille even went into one. OK, that's it. I hope the free party was worth it. It was.
Everyone shows up to the Real Estate Eleganza Party, including Kim Richards looking very smart in a black skirt suit (she looks good!) but there is one accessory that Kim is also wearing. It is her concern face. She is concerned. She is very concerned about what Brandi said about Adrienne and, well, she thinks that Adrienne needs to know. This sober Kim has a lot of opinions. As soon as she and Paullo the Chimp (PS – can you believe that people are amazed that a chimp has a hairy back?) walk into the party Kim pulls them to the side and tells them the "secret." We still don't know what it is. We still have no idea. Like the name of God, it is unspeakable.
But Paullo runs over to Brandi and calls her a bitch and then they just start jabbering back and forth. Paullo won't tell Brandi what she said but, seriously, at this point Brandi has talked so much shit about the two of them that he could be mad about any number of things. For the constant shit talker a bit of clarification is always helpful. Paullo won't tell her in front of everyone, he doesn't want to say it in front of the camera. He asks her to step over to the side. Oh, yeah, Paullo, that's gonna happen. Some women you are harranguing is going to go off in the corner so no one can keep her safe. Yeah, no woman on earth would go off with you. But he doesn't want the secret (ooooHHOOooOOOhHOOOOOHHHOOO) on the record. What can this thing be that is worse than Taylor getting beat up by her husband? Camille finally broke that seal and when she told us the heavens opened and received her in their light and glory. Maybe Brandi is in the process of being canonized right now for exposing the secret? There was lots of screaming and then the worst kind of Housewives fight. "You're lying." "No, you're lying." "No, you're lying?" "I'm lying? No! You're. Ly-ing." Then Adrienne and Paullo stormed out and we still don't know the secret. Like I said, the fighting and aggression are only second to the mystery. We want to see into this little unmarked box that they're all raging over.
Kyle is all pissed because Kim decided to tell Adrienne about this at her party and it is not the right time and place for this fight to be happening. OK, I am so sick of Housewives saying "not the right time or place." It's like a Real Estate Eleganza Party is some solemn event. If you don't want anyone to have some stupid drama fight at a party because it is going to mess with your husband's work, then, you know what, don't invite Housewives to the party. That is the only way to ensure there will not be a Housewives fight, is if there are no Housewives there. If there are Housewives in attendance, something insane will always happen. That is truth. That is Cohen's Theorum. It is science.
And while all this is going on, Lisa Vanderpump is at the hospital. Ken is having surgery and the whole family is there to support him. He lies in the bed, looking more like a butterscotch Simon Cowell than ever, and he is not nervous at all. But the kids show up and hug and kiss him and Lisa frets enough for everyone. The girls probably think she should be at the Real Estate Eleganza Party, but she is there. It's because they are a good couple and very much in love. It's the little things you do together, that make perfect relationships. The hobbies you pursue together, savings you accrue together, looks you misconstrue together that make marriage a joy.
Lisa is very very worried about Ken and I was getting all ready to tell her to stop being an anxietymonger. I wanted to tell her it's just hip replacement surgery due to a polo injury (talk about British People Problems), that these happen every day. My mom just had one last year and she's back playing golf and doing yoga and sending me annoying text messages like nothing ever happened. Liza Minnelli had both knees done at once and look at her, she's fine! But then I realized the secret. I uncovered the mystery. This is about Ken being 16 years older than Lisa.
So Lisa waits in (where else?) the waiting room and the children are gone. She holds her phone in her hand because if she doesn't put it in her pocket or her purse then there is still something to do. She doesn't have to fear relaxing because she is tight with purpose. She has her phone to put away. She has something to do. Something other than worry. But that is what she is really doing. She's considering the possibility that Ken will never come out. That he will die. What then? There will be a whirlwind of activity – the calls to friends and family, the planning, claiming the body, filing the malpractice suit. There will be memorials and remembrances and wills and probate. There will be all of that. Then after that, the stillness. It will just be her and the dogs in that big house, a ghost amid the white furniture. There will be no one to tease, no one to keep her up at night with his snoring, no one to walk up behind her in the kitchen and give her a hug while she drinks her coffee and reads the newspaper at the granite island. That's what she's afraid of. That emptiness. That nothing. That indent in the bed that will never quite go away. The moving on. The putting on a brave face. The bracing for the end. That is what Lisa really fears.
Because this is all just practice. This future with Ken dead isn't so much a possibility as an inevitability. Barring accident or disease, the day will come when Ken, so much older, will die before Lisa. Sure there's a chance he'll outlive her, but he'll probably go first. That's the way it has always been. She knew it on her wedding day, she know it when Pandy and Max were born, when she was holding their warm pink bodies in the nursery. It's been there with her every day – like her breath, like her wedding ring – that knowledge, that yapping thought. It's realer than ever. As Lisa dangles her shoe off her big toe and shakes it back and forth, she finally relaxes into her dark revelry, the rest of her body starting to go slack when it jolts up again. It's the phone, still in her hand, vibrating. Her stomach sinks, thinking that it's the doctor, that something has gone totally wrong and there is news – bad news. But why would the hospital call? She looks and sees that it's Brandi. She puts her finger on the screen of the phone, thinking about whether or not to swipe it. She has nothing else to do. Why not talk to Brandi? Why not gossip about the party she was missing as Brandi drives home? But she couldn't. She presses the button on the top of her phone and the shaking stops. She lets her hand relax over the arm of the chair again and goes back to the important business of dangling her shoe. She doesn't really have time to talk. Not right now.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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David Mitchell's novel Cloud Atlas consists of six stories set in various periods between 1850 and a time far into Earth's post-apocalyptic future. Each segment lives on its own the previous first person account picked up and read by a character in its successor creating connective tissue between each moment in time. The various stories remain intact for Tom Tykwer's (Run Lola Run) Lana Wachowski's and Andy Wachowski's (The Matrix) film adaptation which debuted at the Toronto International Film Festival. The massive change comes from the interweaving of the book's parts into one three-hour saga — a move that elevates the material and transforms Cloud Atlas in to a work of epic proportions.
Don't be turned off by the runtime — Cloud Atlas moves at lightning pace as it cuts back and forth between its various threads: an American notary sailing the Pacific; a budding musician tasked with transcribing the hummings of an accomplished 1930's composer; a '70s-era investigatory journalist who uncovers a nefarious plot tied to the local nuclear power plant; a book publisher in 2012 who goes on the run from gangsters only to be incarcerated in a nursing home; Sonmi~451 a clone in Neo Seoul who takes on the oppressive government that enslaves her; and a primitive human from the future who teams with one of the few remaining technologically-advanced Earthlings in order to survive. Dense but so was the unfamiliar world of The Matrix. Cloud Atlas has more moving parts than the Wachowskis' seminal sci-fi flick but with additional ambition to boot. Every second is a sight to behold.
The members of the directing trio are known for their visual prowess but Cloud Atlas is a movie about juxtaposition. The art of editing is normally a seamless one — unless someone is really into the craft the cutting of a film is rarely a post-viewing talking point — but Cloud Atlas turns the editor into one of the cast members an obvious player who ties the film together with brilliant cross-cutting and overlapping dialogue. Timothy Cavendish the elderly publisher could be musing on his need to escape and the film will wander to the events of Sonmi~451 or the tortured music apprentice Robert Frobisher also feeling the impulse to run. The details of each world seep into one another but the real joy comes from watching each carefully selected scene fall into place. You never feel lost in Cloud Atlas even when Tykwer and the Wachowskis have infused three action sequences — a gritty car chase in the '70s a kinetic chase through Neo Seoul and a foot race through the forests of future millennia — into one extended set piece. This is a unified film with distinct parts echoing the themes of human interconnectivity.
The biggest treat is watching Cloud Atlas' ensemble tackle the diverse array of characters sprinkled into the stories. No film in recent memory has afforded a cast this type of opportunity yet another form of juxtaposition that wows. Within a few seconds Tom Hanks will go from near-neanderthal to British gangster to wily 19th century doctor. Halle Berry Hugh Grant Jim Sturgess Jim Broadbent Ben Whishaw Hugo Weaving and Susan Sarandon play the same game taking on roles of different sexes races and the like. (Weaving as an evil nurse returning to his Priscilla Queen of the Desert cross-dressing roots is mind-blowing.) The cast's dedication to inhabiting their roles on every level helps us quickly understand the worlds. We know it's Halle Berry behind the fair skinned wife of the lunatic composer but she's never playing Halle Berry. Even when the actors are playing variations on themselves they're glowing with the film's overall epic feel. Jim Broadbent's wickedly funny modern segment a Tykwer creation that packs a particularly German sense of humor is on a smaller scale than the rest of the film but the actor never dials it down. Every story character and scene in Cloud Atlas commits to a style. That diversity keeps the swirling maelstrom of a movie in check.
Cloud Atlas poses big questions without losing track of its human element the characters at the heart of each story. A slower moment or two may have helped the Wachowskis' and Tykwer's film to hit a powerful emotional chord but the finished product still proves mainstream movies can ask questions while laying over explosive action scenes. This year there won't be a bigger movie in terms of scope in terms of ideas and in terms of heart than Cloud Atlas.
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It's tough out there for a new TV show. Creators put their hearts and souls into pilots, introducing their baby bird-like new series into the big, harsh world, all the while, hoping and praying their baby can fly. Well, as you know, some shows flourish and some shows plummet. Others glide along, barely getting by or delaying the inevitable: cancellation. It's a cruel, swift death we often call The Ax. Each week during Fall Premiere Season, we'll take a look at the ratings for fall's new crop of shows and tell you which ones are flapping their baby wings just hard enough, which ones are flying, and which ones sadly, will be a victim of the Ax Factor. This week, CBS and Fox are in danger of claiming their first victims. These Guys Are Flyer Than Dennis Quaid in a Cowboy HatTranslation: Safe! Go On (NBC, Tuesdays at 9 PM ET): This Matthew Perry grief-counseling sitcom has warmed more than a few hearts, so much so that it's even beating out the beloved New Girl over on Fox, hitting 7 million viewers this past week. These numbers may average elsewhere, but at NBC, these are the kinds of figures that bring out tears of joy. Revolution (NBC, Mondays at 10 PM ET): Perhaps it's the presence of terrifying former Breaking Bad villain Giancarlo Esposito on this J.J. Abrams and Jon Favreau-backed show forcing folks to tune in in mass quantities, but no matter what the reason, the drama is besting both big Monday night dramas, Castle and Hawaii Five-0, in the coveted 18-49 demo. The Neighbors (ABC, Wednesdays at 8:30 PM ET): What's better than an evening of family comedies on ABC? An evening of family comedies, with an alien society wild card thrown in, of course. At that's what the numbers for ABC's new Honey We Moved In Next Door to Aliens show. It debuted at just over 9 million viewers, and that'll do. Vegas (CBS, Tuesdays at 10 PM ET): Dennis Quaid and Michael Chiklis in cowboy hats facing off in the desert paradise of sin known as Las Vegas in the 1960s? Yep, that'll nab you 14 million viewers, no problem. Elementary (CBS, Thursdays at 10 PM ET): (CBS + Crime + the Familiar dynamic of Sherlock Homes and Watson - stuffy Victorian garb and magnifying glasses) x (Lucy Liu + Attractive Brit) = ratings. It's so simple. You could even say it's... elementary. Last Resort (ABC, Thursdays at 8 PM): This show about a submarine crew rebelling against the amoral actions of their own country wrangled a decent audience in its first television voyage... and in one of the toughest slots in prime time, to boot! Nine million viewers when you're facing The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men is nothing to balk at. These Folks Are Less Certain of Their Futures Than a Grown Woman With a Hookup BuddyTranslation: Only Time Will Tell Ben and Kate (Fox, Tuesdays at 8:30 PM ET): This show is so cute and lovable, you'd think it could subsist on its own brand of brother-sister sunshine. But it can't. It needs ratings, and right now, it's in the 4 million viewer chasm. Will Fox give it a chance anyway (like it continues to do with Raising Hope)? The Mindy Project (Fox, Tuesdays at 9:30 PM ET): Oh, Mindy. How you love your romantic comedies! Maybe this is just that first part of every sugary love story. You know, the part where you're down and out (ratings are kinda low). If all goes to plan, soon you'll get a makeover (higher ratings) and live happily ever after (get a full season order). If not, this will be one of the annoying dark romantic comedies that aim to correct all our notions of fairy tale romance (you'll get the dreaded cancellation ax). Guys With Kids (NBC, Wednesdays at 8:30 PM ET): What's better than three men with three babies? Ratings above 4.8 million. Still, can't quite ring the death knell, NBC gives their shows a little room to grow. Animal Practice (NBC, Wednesdays at 8 PM ET): Justin Kirk? An adorable monkey? Solving medical mysteries? And hating... humans. Oh. That's why this middling sitcom only wooed a grand total of 5.2 million viewers. The New Normal (NBC, Tuesdays at 9:30 PM ET): This buzzworthy Ryan Murphy creation may have ratings as bad as Animal Practice, but it has one thing the monkey doctor show can't manage: people are actually talking about it. These Ones Could Soon Be Sleeping With the FishesTranslation: Outlook is Grim Partners (CBS, Mondays at 8:30 PM ET): With the equivalent of a CBS F at a measly 6 million and change, Partners needs a pick-me-up. Either that, or this Will &amp; Grace knock off is going to be sent to an early death. The Mob Doctor (Fox, Mondays at 8 PM ET): Hey doctor, you're looking a little anemic over there with a measly 3.9 million viewers during your last episode. Jordana Spiro's Chicago doctor may be working on paying down her brother's mob debt, but if she doesn't churn out some bigger audiences (and fast) her show may be the first of the season to get whacked. But, wait! There's more. These new shows have yet to premiere:Made in Jersey, CBS (Sept. 28)666 Park Avenue, ABC (Sept. 30)Chicago Fire, NBC (Oct. 10)Nashville, ABC (Oct. 10)Arrow, CW (Oct. 10)Beauty and the Beast, CW (Oct. 11)Emily Owens, M.D., CW (Oct. 16) How's your favorite show doing? Do you have a plea to keep your favorite scrappy doctor on TV? Let us hear it! Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler [Photo Credits: NBC] More: Fun With Ratings: 'The Neighbors' Wins Its Alien Invasion For ABC 'X Factor' Ratings Dip Again: America Doesn't Want Talent? 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What do you get when you mix 7 parts outrageous Gallaghers, 2 spoonfuls of sex-crazed neighbors, a dash of a pathological liar and a heavy hand of vodka? It’s the recipe for Showtime’s delicious hit Shameless, of course! Now in production for its third season, fans are impatiently waiting for any details on the twistedly fun series, and we just so happen to have a whole glass full of ‘em.“Shameless season three is epic and we are not holding back at all!” bragged the lovely Shanola Hampton to Hollywood.com. Fans know Hampton’s outrageous alter ego — the sexy, sassy Veronica — for having a big heart and promiscuous personality, and this season will be no different. So what can viewers hope to see from their favorite next-door neighbor this season? Hampton spills, “You can expect Veronica and Kevin (Steve Howey) to be working on a baby… I think that last year you got to see a big wall break down with Veronica when Ethel left and you got to see a moment where she is like, oh my goodness, I never thought I wanted this thing and now I do. So right now it’s just about getting pregnant.” Kevin and Veronica would have the cutest little tomorrow people ever! But of course, it wouldn’t be Shameless unless there was a whole lotta drama to go with that love. Cue the knock on the door! “They will get a blast from Kevin’s past and it doesn’t end well. There’s going to be lots of jealousy happening, Kevin is going to be in a real awkward position, and then it goes down. That's all I can tell you.” No worries, because we’ll tell you a little more. There's a new woman coming back into Kevin’s life, someone that he knew back when he was growing up in a foster home. This mystery woman is coming back, and she’s not alone.While Kevin is dealing with that whole issue, Veronica and Fiona will once again have their hands full with multiple jobs. Hampton explains, “Some of the jobs that Fiona is working this season are too nasty. Veronica is not going to get in a sewer with rats, I mean come on now.” So when Fiona is busy hanging out with the sewer rats, Veronica will be doing her um… housecleaning again on the Internet. “She’ll get in front of the camera and do nastiness," says the actress with a sly smile. “But let me just tell you that she brings Kevin on her job, and it is not just housecleaning, and it will be talked about.” Wow, color us intrigued! All silliness aside, Hampton stresses that this upcoming season of Shameless will definitely not disappoint. “I believe that we have one of the most well-written and acted shows on television. There is nothing else on television like our show, we don’t fit into a box and we don’t fit into a particular category and I think that’s what makes it so great.” After a truly phenomenal second season, many critics were surprised to see the Showtime hit snubbed for an Emmy nomination this year. “When we’re not getting acknowledged by the awards, is it disappointing? Hell yeah it is!” the actress exclaims. “We just need another category: a dramedy.” Hampton says fans can expect another phenomenal season when Shameless returns in 2013, “I’m so proud of this season so far you have no idea. I’m so excited.” That makes two of us girl!Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera[Photo Credit: Showtime]MORE: 2012 Emmy Longshots: ‘Shameless’ Star Emmy Rossum, The 20-Something Matriarch 'Shameless' Post-Mortem: Shanola Hampton on Family, Chicago &amp; That Finale 'Shameless' Season Finale Recap: This Is What a Family Looks Like

What's in the box?!? Sorry Brad, no answer to what lies within the mystery cube just yet. Still, plenty of other head-rolling madness took place in the Big Brother asylum/house last night. This was, by far, the most paranoid, manipulative, sneaky, and unpredictable episode in an otherwise quiet season. Well, as quiet as a season that includes Joe can be. Which is to say, not very quiet at all.
When we left off on Sunday, Shane made a big power play and decided to put Boogie and — who else? — Frank on the block. It was a move that didn't sit well with Boogie. So much so that Boogie, the actual embodiment of a manchild, cried on national television, "Shane done lost his mind!" Woof. Boogie.
Of course, it became evident rather quickly that Shane may have had no mind to lose at all. It's hard to take anything about Boogie seriously considering he somehow managed to have worse hair than Wil, but when he noted that Shane was an "idiot savant without the savant part," it was hard to disagree. When Frank and Boogie (which my wonderful colleague Brian Moylan mercifully shortened to Froogie, so for the sake of all our sanity, let's go with that from here on out) questioned Shane as to why he went against them, he didn't just buckle under the pressure of an uncomfortable situation, he downright collapsed. It was as though Froogie came in and threatened to take away all his pink shirts if he didn't snitch on who encouraged him to put them on the block.
Rather than rat out his mole Ian or place the blame on Dan, Shane backpedaled and stammered ("It was a joke!") through Froogie's interrogation and wound up throwing his wonderful ally Britney right under the bus. He tried to shift the blame to the intrigue of the mystery box, but that one just didn't stick. Froogie was out for blood. You'd have thought with Britney's giant eyes she may have seen this one coming from a million miles away, but Shane's utter lack of social skills in this game still threw her for a loop. Even worse, she had to endure a verbal lashing from Froogie — who pointed the finger at her for their spot on the block — during which Boogie irritatingly referred to her as "sweetheart," "baby," and "honey." What a terrible week this has been for women.
Britney called Shane out for the way he put the target right on her back, to which he promptly backpedaled and stammered and probably thought about how great pink shirts are. With no real apology (or strategy to fix things, for that matter) from Shane, Britney had to do damage control during Froogie's witch hunt. And while Britney managed to get Froogie to reverse her position as Public Enemy No. 1, the blame shifted towards Dan because, well who else could it be? Who else could have possibly told Shane that Froogie had it out for Britney and Dan other than Britney and Dan? Oh, right, Ian. Ian, who has gone from being a sheep in wolf's clothing (okay, fine, a dog) to a wolf in sheep's clothing in a matter of weeks.
I'm assuming that the same forgetful part of Mike Boogie's brain that doesn't remind him he's not supposed to dress like youth at the mall made him space out on the fact that he told Ian that Britney and Dan were targets. Ian's strategy of being the unassuming nice guy could pay off in a big way... or could come back to bite him. Like a wolf. Especially if Dan, whose silence made him a target and allowed Ian to stay blame-free, does decide to "throw him to the wolves" after all. Now with all these wolf analogies going on last night, you'd have thought that Julie Chen and the Big Brother overlords would have made a wolf-themed Power of Veto competition, but no, it was candy, which is way, way better.
As if Froogie had planned the whole thing themselves, Ian (who, unbeknownst to them, would throw his game so he would not have to make a decision during PoV), Ashley, and Jenn joined them and Shane for the competition. Dan officially had reason to panic. Not only is Frank, who has been on the block four times now, a most excellent PoV player, but his fate was lying in Ashley's hands. A woman who uses the "picture method to count." The picture method, in case you didn't know, is when you "picture everything in pictures" when you count. Got that? No? Well, neither did Ashley. Nor did Jenn or Shane or Boogie, for that matter, during the headache- (and sweet tooth-)inducing PoV competition in which the housemates guess-timated pieces of candy. Instead, that honor went to the seemingly unstoppable Frank, thanks to a particularly boneheaded (well, more so) move by his makeout buddy Ashley.
The warpath was set directly at Dan. Not only was Frank convinced that Dan had gone against him (when, really, it had been Ian all along), but Boogie also desperately needed a way to stay in the game. He tried to scare floaters like Jenn and Joe into thinking Dan was a "scary" player. Hell, he even tried to fake cry in front of Britney to conjure up support. But, much like Janelle's tears to Wil, they were wasted. Britney is far too smart to be duped by the absurd Boogie. While it's impossible to get inside the mind of Shane (it's likely just filled with moths wearing pink shirts, anyway), my only explanation as to why he chose to put ultimate floater Jenn (who tried to convince him to put Dan on the block) up on the block against the villainous Boogie is he was done rattling cages. He sure didn't like when Froogie yelled at him or when Britney yelled at him, so he certainly wouldn't want to be yelled at by Dan, too. I mean, Dan can get pretty loud. Not Joe loud, but then again nothing is. ZZZZZZZZZING.
With a double eviction coming up on Thursday night's show, this one will prove to be interesting, if only because Boogie could, against all odds and logic, get Jenn booted. After all, who wants to see a floater possibly float on through to winning this thing? Jenn, Ashley, and Joe were going to be picked off eventually — why not now? Boogie will likely take that argument and run with it, but who knows how far that could get him. Of course, if word gets out about Ian, the tide will turn once again and that cunning, hairless wolf will no doubt be excommunicated from the pack, both Quack and otherwise. Sorry, dog.
What do you think will happen later tonight on Big Brother after everything that took place during Wednesday's jam-packed episode? Will Boogie live to see another day by kicking Jenn (let's be honest, rightfully so) out of the house? Or will the housemates jump on the opportunity to get Boogie out once and for all? Did Shane shoot himself in the foot or just seem like someone who, if given a gun, would actually shoot himself in the foot? Is Dan still a huge target or will the truth about Ian come out? (Also, was Ian snuggling with Ashley during the closing credits?!) So many questions, so many hours of puttering through work and having to endure dinner with your loved ones to get answers.
[Photo credits: CBS]
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