ARA: snooping and relationships

You date a guy for a few months and, at some point, you decide to “snoop” through his things. You don’t have to go very far to see he’s got pictures, old tickets and cards from the ex in his top drawer, kitchen drawer etc.

It’s realistic to have some old photos, etc. laying in a box packed away in the basement, but when should the flags be raised?

In my situation he dated her for a few years on and off. She’s in the same line of work, has the same hair color and body structure as me.

51 Responses

Ok. I’m confused. Why are you suggesting that you drop him? Do you have proof that he’s still seeing her? Just because you are both his type, doesn’t mean that he’s cheating on you. Snooping through his things won’t end well. That is a bad, bad, bad idea!!! So, unless you have reason to believe he’s sneaking around with her (unexplained absences, secret phone calls, etc.), I suggest you stop looking for things that aren’t there. You are being paranoid.

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I love the first sentence – it’s so matter-of-fact, like everyone does it. I think if you go looking for bad news, you’ll find bad news. However, I’m also the same girl that flipped out when she found her ex’s ex-girlfriends oodles and oodles of Modern Bride magazines hanging out in the spare bedroom closet a YEAR AFTER THEY BROKE UP and supposedly never talked about marriage. That turned out to be false. What a liar. But anyway, back to you, if he has pictures of this girl in the knife drawer, and other random places you’d be going if you’re cooking, etc. – then he needs to do a clean sweep. I’m not sure what looking similar to you has to do with this question – but can you be sure they’re not pictures of YOU? just kidding.

Give the benefit of the doubt, but keep your eyes open. You cannot confront him without giving up the fact that you snooped anyways, and lets face it, there is something that must have peaked your senses if you felt the need to snoop in the first place. I would see how it goes – if you guys get more serious, see if the stuff disappears. He could just be disorganized and hasn’t cleaned stuff out yet, after all, dating for a couple of months pales in comparison to “on and off for a few years”….if my BF right now decided to snoop through my stuff, he would see things from my ex, but a few months versus 8 years is a huge gap and I know that he wouldn’t think twice about it.

Sometimes we are our worst enemy in these situations, sometimes we have to go with our gut. I would wait it out and see how the relationship progresses and if any other red flags are thrown.

He should definitely drop you. Clearly you don’t trust him and have no respect for his privacy. Even if he gave you a plausible explanation as to why he hasn’t thrown them away, I doubt that you’d believe him. If he had packed these things away and stored them in his basement, would you be snooping there next?

The reader has an awfully casual attitude towards violating her boyfriend’s privacy. Imagine the situation from his point of view: You date a girl for a few months and she seems great, then you come home and realize she went through your stuff. She doesn’t say anything so you figure that maybe she’s a little insecure and ill-mannered, but understands that everyone has past relationships. Then you read your favorite blog and see that she’s snooping hardcore and even comparing herself to the ex! Should I drop her and move on or give her the benefit of the doubt?

There are so many reasons why someone would hold on to momentos from an old relationship. Sure, one of them is, “he’s still in love with her,” but if that was the case you’d probably be seeing red flags all over the place, not just in his sock drawer.

Lots of people prefer a “type”, I don’t see any harm in that. I mean as long as he doesn’t call you by her name and make you dress from a box of her old clothes. As to “stuff”; I once found a box of letters from my husbands high school girlfriend in with our old tax returns. Men just keep stuff, he moves, he takes his boxes, throws them wherever – I doubt half the time they know what they got. I wouldn’t stress about saved mementos as I suspect it’s not so much that he saved them as he just didn’t dispose of them. Still, what’s the harm in a few saved memories? What stands out to me is if you feel the need to snoop you probably just don’t trust him and with out trust it will never work.

I think the only flag being raised here is that you are snooping to begin with….why? I can’t think of any reason why I would do that. If I was motivated to snoop, that in and of itself is reason to question my stability of the relationship. I don’t even think it’s necessary to let it get to that point – if you are questioning the commitment of this guy, talk to him.

Everyone has a past, and she is only the most recent one. Others who came before her have faded, and she will, too. How you handle this could make the difference between whether he forgets her or forgets you. Just let it go and give yourself time to build something better with him.

I think pictures are ok…Cards though are a big flag…mainly because any man who keeps cards from anyone is being far too emotional to be considered manly…

Awesomedude has gotten into trouble more than once for throwing birthday cards from women the day after they’re given to him. What am I supposed to, congratulate a woman on her high intelligence for wasting 5 dollars to tell me happy birthday?

But I digress- your boyfriend is both overly emotional and emotionally attached to his ex…

Vote for benefit of the doubt. Its old ex-crap, not proof he’s cheating. I have old notes and poetry from high school ex’s. I would hope my fiance isn’t offended by them. Though if he was I suppose I really wouldn’t have an issue with throwing them away.
Besides, YOU snooped, that’s your problem, not his.

Guys don’t place the same value on cards, photos and stuff from ex’s that girls do. Also, they have a different idea of clean, including cleaning out stuff they no longer need. If it’s not in the way, or someone isn’t on their case about it, it may languish for years where ever it landed.

Have you considered that he cares so little about the previous relationship that he just hasn’t bothered to put things away in an organized way? Maybe the stuff just is wherever it was left when he was in the relationship and he never bothered to put it in a box and has no intention of saving the items of mementos. Maybe he’s not sentimental in that way and just never bothered to clean out the stuff. I know that I have a lot of junk in my closets, drawers, etc. that I don’t “see” anymore because I am so used to it being there. I know I need to set aside a weekend to do a good cleaning, but I just haven’t gotten to it.

Maybe it’s nothing more than that.

Oh, yeah – but, I agree with, uh, everyone. Don’t snoop. That puts you in the Single White Female league.

He should drop you for snooping! And for you to do it after a short period of time… you need help! Psychiatrist exist for a reason and you need to go visit one! There are men out there that are sentimental and like to keep tidbits that meant something to them at some point. Get a life and help!

This completely is along the lines of a conversation I had with a few girls in my office recently. Why do some women or men in relationship snoop? It is insecure, is it something else? Kristi I think you should cover this. Why do some snoop? If you have the thought to do it you know there is a 50/50 chance you will find something, so why? What are you going to do with what you find. And is it really something. We had different points of view on this. I would love to know what others think.

I am extremely shocked at how many readers are “angels” that read OTE. Comeon people, you’ve all snooped at one point or another. Whether you set out to do it or came across something that you can’t turn your eyes away from.. we’ve ALL looked. To all those who say different, liar liar pants on fire. As for the reader asking the question, don’t freak out, it’s only been a few months and guys tend to be pack rats, so he might not even realize or remember that he stuffed it there. Relax. :)

‘You date a guy for a few months and, at some point, you decide to “snoop” through his things.’ – Let me guess, you’re 32, live at home and sleep in the same NKOTB twin bed you had when you were 13…because you are TOTALLY undatable.

Reader, get over yourself. It sounds like you did some minor snooping. Knock it off.

The weird part of your email, IMO, is where your compare the similarities between you and the ex. WHY? Dig deep, find your self esteem and stop comaring yourself to other women. No good can come of it.

Finally, I see no issue with the fact that BF has these mementos. I just don’t think they mean that much. The random sh*t that I keep (tickets, pics, business cards) has nothing to do with how I feel about my fiance. Maybe I want to remember the name of the restaurant or movie. It doesn’t necessarily matter who was my date.

I only looked once at her phone, because something didnt feel right, turns out there were texts in there that I didnt want to see. I knew it!!!! Remember young Jedi, if it walks like a duck and swims like a duck…..its a duck.

1) Curiosity is OK and natural… but “snooping” isn’t giving you a fair picture of the reality. You are reading drama and your own insecurities into things for which you have no context whatsoever.

2) Why are you concerned? Why is your first thought “should I drop him” instead of “I’m curious about why he would still have these”? You’ve only dated the fellow a few months… there are sure to be quite a *lot* of things you still don’t know about him. You make no mention of how long ago the prior relationship ended or if he’d had any romantic attachments in between. It demonstrates incredible insecurity on your part and (considering you’ve only dated the fellow a “few months”) awfully premature for you to have such absolute expectations of him.

3) Since when is it a rule that just because you stop dating someone (or stop having any relationship of any substance), you must immediately and in perpetuity make that part of your life persona non grata? Must you “hate” any and all exes? Must you hide away or burn any and all remnants of what is in some cases a substantial part of your past (“a few years”)? While that may work or be appropriate for some people, it is not necessarily healthy for everyone. Moreover, if he chooses that route for his well-being then that is one thing and all well and good… it is, however, entirely presumptuous and self-centered for you to demand he do so for *your* sake rather than his own.

Now, if there is some reason for you not to trust him other than your snooping *and* the fact that in reality you can know very little about the guy in only a few months… then and only then should it be an issue for him to have things like this around. Otherwise, you need to check through your *own* baggage and see why you’re reacting that way.

On a related note, I would be far more concerned if someone I were dating had NO pictures or other mementos AT ALL from a period during which they had a substantive relationship. It’s a rare case that all times and all things are so bad that there are no pleasant or happy memories of any sort that you’d want to keep. That’s someone that will throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. Those types are the ones where it is all or nothing… meaning that if anything bad or unpleasant crops up they’re ready and willing to toss the whole thing. No relationship is so perfect that it can withstand such a mentality. Any argument or fight can end the whole thing, no matter how trivial.

Be careful not to be one of those, or he’ll walk soon enough on his own.

Sorry Lisa B., but nope. Not once. Because I have no reason to. During the getting to know you portion of my relationship, we shared all of that stuff; our meaningful bits from the past. I know my bf has old letters and gifts (so do I) and they don’t bother me one whit. I’m glad that he’s had love in his life and important people that made him who he is. If there’s nothing to hide, there’s nothing worth snooping for.

Awesomedude – Does your mom save space in the basement for all that stuff for you or does she let you keep it in behind your Samantha Fox poster?

Kristi – Did this reader leave something out of the letter? It just seems to be void of what would have caused her to snoop.

Seriously though this is all on her. She needs to bring it up now because she obviously has insecurities about where things are headed. He’ll likely kick her to the curb first but either way it sounds like they should be heading their own ways.

Marlon, why do you ALWAYS have to be on the other side of the fence? For an old guy, you just can’t seem to grow up. Please, no rhetorical response about how great and uncrowned you are. Just an honest answer.

I agree. this guy should drop your ass. relationships are built on trust and understanding. Rather than trying to go through his stuff, you should have learned what she did differently than you and work them into your daily routine.

oh by the way jaci, big girl under pants= big things under those pants.

I just got around to reading these posts – they’re hysterical!! Have to go with Lisa B, #25 – could have written that myself. Several COTW considerations, too.

As for the reader’s dilemma – ask him about them – if they were just in a kitchen drawer you opened “by accident”. And remember guys just throw things in drawers, closets, etc. and forget about them. He probably just never got around to it….

That’s Enough’s response was right on for me. I can literally hear the words coming from my brother’s mouth. I love how to the point guys can be sometimes while ladies sit and agonize over such overanalyzing.

All I’m saying is that it happens more often than not. Now, I agree there is a difference between snooping and curiosity. If you happen to come across something, and look at it, I don’t think it makes you a bad person. If you’ve been seeing the guy for a month and make it a point to try to hack his e-mails, then yeah you’re a psycho. But to say that if you HAPPEN to see a picture sticking out of his desk drawer that you wouldn’t look at it.. well then I guess you’re a better person than I.

We were together for a year, I’d recently refused to move in with him because I felt like he needed to take some more time understanding where I was coming from. I knew things weren’t totally awesome but never expected when I was using his computer to enroll in some classes to find him on Match.com. It was purely by mistake, the URL I was typing was http://www.my{insertschoolname}.com and when I typed the “m”, match came up. I blew it off for about two weeks, only mentioning it offhand to a friend. That friend nit picked at me to look at his profile.

When I finally checked it out, I could see what she was talking about. The woman he described was so far away from anything I was that to me, I couldn’t imagine how he was even attracted to me. I ended it, telling him I’d seen the profile, I wasn’t even angry over him having one. I was just severely disturbed by his attractions gearing more toward someone who was more like my roommate than me. Something I’m kind of glad my friend wouldn’t leave alone.

To me, that’s an example of valid snooping. Paw through someone else’s stuff looking for a problem will find you a problem. Four years after I ditched an ex I was with for awhile, I still used to come across photos when I’d be moving. That’s just the way it goes. I’d laugh, incredulous I even still had them and toss them. Doesn’t mean you won’t find any hanging around. I’m sure I’ve missed a few more even still (it was a long relationship).

Pretty much everyone has the opinion that this reader needs to find some self esteem. I’ll agree with that. The overwhelming majority feel that snooping is wrong. I’ll agree with that too.

That said, I’ve snooped. And yeah, I was crazy to snoop. I didn’t find anything. The reason I snooped? I had come off a horrible relationship where the ex was cheating on me with THREE women, and with *that* particular relationship, perhaps some snooping would have saved me some anguish.

Regardless, snooping really is a product of insecurity. Resist temptation. Stop looking for trouble. Take a deep breath. Don’t do it again.

As a person not generally inclined to snoop, I can say with great authority that the person in question is feeling insecure for a good reason and should trust her instincts. The few times I’ve snooped have always netted unwanted confirmation that the relationship was not what it seemed. Most recently, I found that my husband had several accounts on online dating sites, and had I not trusted my instincts and snooped we would probably be divorced by now (this came only after several years of absolute complete and total trust w/ no snooping whatsoever). Months of counselling have helped us realized why he was looking outside our relationship for company and to try to work things out (and no, I still don’t really trust him, but am not snooping, either).

If you have a bad feeling in the pit of your gut……. Then look….. More than likely there is an issue. If you have that feeling all the time and continually snoop and continue to find nothing…… Go see a doctor and get some pills….. I snooped when I had that feeling and my instinct was right….. she was messing around…with MORE than one person…… come to find out she was a REALLY good actor and wanted a baby daddy…….

I’ve been with my bf for 2years now and I’ve snooped for about a year I hate that I do it.. I love my boyfriend and from now I’m going to stop because I know I’m ruining things between us I’m pushing him away and that is y I’ve read some comeents and I don’t want him to leave me I want to be with him for the rest of my life so snopping is wrong and I’ve only just learnt its wrong and I am going to work on things not let my life be surrounded by him