My Dear Kingston Sugar-Bones Beeston,

While I love you very much, you are exhibiting some behavior which troubles your dad and I. Your insistence that all items left in trash bins are inherently interesting and delicious, and your compulsive need to create nests to sleep in, are habits which I believe formed early in your development. It seems to me that these coping mechanisms are a result of poor attachment to both your biological mother and your first owner. While you have not been officially diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I believe you would benefit from an increase in bonding activity with me and Dad as your forever owners. This is the best way to build a lasting, trusting, healthy, attachment, and ultimately to stop tarring up sheets as a result of your desperate attempts to snuggle with yourself.

I am proposing increased cuddle time, increased eye contact, and puppy-play time to address the gaps in your development and begin to attach to us more securely. It is our hope that by addressing your attachment needs you will be more secure and will develop into a responsible adult. I hope that you will approach this new therapeutic approach to our relationship openly and honestly so that you can get the most from it, and so we can create a home life without unnecessary damage to linens or rubbish strewn about the house.

Always remember I love you. Even though your bio mom and first owner couldn’t keep you, I am not them. I am dedicated to your development, and I will always be here for you.