3/15/2016

A Letter from the Rude Pundit to Marco Rubio

"Dear Senator Rubio,

"It's me, the Rude Pundit. I don't like you and, if you knew me, you wouldn't like me because of how much I don't like you, among many other reasons. But keep reading because, unlike anyone who does like you, I'm actually going to save your pathetic career, and the only reason I'm doing it is that unless enemies get together on this, like Loki and Thor when Asgard is getting messed up, Donald Trump is going to bully his way to the presidency or he's going to do great damage to the nation as a loser.

"I saw you talking to the press on Saturday morning about the violence at Trump's rallies in Chicago and St. Louis. I saw the actual, visceral despair in your sunken eyes and heard it in your shaken voice. You know, in your gut, in your 'nads, that something terrible is being unleashed, that a Pandora's box without a tiny Hope in the bottom has been opened. And you said at the end, 'I still, at this moment, continue to intend to support the Republican nominee. But it's getting harder every day.'

"Look, let's be honest. You're gonna lose Florida, your home state, today. It's gonna be a huge embarrassment and you probably should have dropped out a week ago. But you didn't, so nut up and be ready for the inevitable end. You can try to bumblefuck forward, into more losses and more shame, or you can go out like a goddamned boss. Which do you want?

"Tonight, when you're conceding Florida, or tomorrow, when you've gotten over your hangover, you need to get off the 'intend' fence and declare that you will not vote for Donald Trump if he's your party's nominee. You don't need to say you'll vote for Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. You can say that you'll write in 'Mitt Romney' or however you want to burn off your vote. Or that you'll just stay home if Trump's the nominee.

"I know, I know. It hurts like a motherfucker. People will be angry. They will say you betrayed your party. They will insist that you were never really a Republican because of immigration or some such bullshit. But, as the first major candidate to not only not endorse Trump but to actively defy him, you will own the anti-Trump news for the rest of the election cycle. You can make a big deal about how politics shouldn't be defined merely by party but by standards and beliefs.

"Why you? Why not Jeb Bush? Because no one ever gave a shit about him. Why not Kasich? Because no one gives a shit about him. Why not Ted Cruz? Fuck that guy. Hard. It's you because you're the only candidate left that the media still cares for, however misguided that might be. It's a chance to rewrite the rules. You can stop lying, for once. And when Trump attacks you, however savagely he does, you can say that he's only angry because you didn't endorse him. Boom. Automatic defense, and it makes him look like a petty dick.

"Like I said at the beginning, I don't like you or your obvious pandering to idiot extremists in your party. Look where that got you. And, frankly, if you don't follow this advice and go out as a disgrace to Florida, Cubans, conservatives, and your family, I won't shed a friggin' tear. But it doesn't have to be that way. Sometimes all it takes to be a man instead of a boy is to say, 'Enough.'