I have been quietly reading this thread as I struggle through my recovery with my wife and daughter. First let me say that I have always had a terrible time communicating with anyone about my feelings and thoughts. I think it is a part of the way I was damaged.

Don't tell anyone they will hate you. No one can possibly like you if they knew the thoughts and feelings you have now. And so on and so on with many variations.

I wanted so badly to talk to my first wife but was scared to death of her reaction and of seeing her trying to cover her reaction with false sympathy. I loved her and therefor I needed her to be with me and yet I could not open up to here and eventually lost her to another man that would. I was so ashamed of myself and my life and my feelings and that was part of the problem. I was totally focused on ME. If there had been any way at all that I could have turned my focus on her and her feelings I would probably still be married to the mother of my boys.

And that brings me to the second point which is my wife. She has been terrific and I wish you could talk to her. She has loved me though my acting out, mood swings, rages, self pity, porn addiction, withdrawal and recovery. How she did it I don't know but I am a better man for it. She made a committment to stay with me no matter what and that security of knowing she would be there, knowing she would love me, was an anchor that kept me coming back to recovery. You will be tested, because the people in our lives have betrayed us and it is hard to believe someone really does care about us. A lot of us have a terrible time feeling we are really worth caring for. That is a big price for a spouse to have to pay. Your heart may be broken several times over before it is done. In my case I hope she feels it was worth it. If nothing else she has gotten a lot of guilt jewelery out of it. :-) and I have tried very hard these years (18 now) to make it up to her. I hope it turns out to be worth it for you all too.

Just to let you know, it has not always been easy for me to discuss my first husband's suicide. For so many years I lived with so much guilt and I hate to admit it, but I guess I also felt some shame too.

But as the years have passed, and as they say, time does heal all wounds, I have gotten to the point where I can be completely honest about what happened.

If my honesty can possibly save even just one person's life, then it is totally worth it to me!

If only he could have been in a position to realize that there is nothing or no one in this world that is worth taking his own life over. Our children were only 12 and 16 at the time and now they are 39 and 35......what he did has had a major impact on both of their lives. I now have a 5 year old granddaughter who will never know her grandfather.

It sounds like you have a wonderful woman in your life who loves you and is scared for you as she doesn't want anything to happen to you. My prayer for you is that you will be able to find a way to open up to her....in whatever way you are most comfortable in doing it. Like myself, I think you will find that being able to be open will bring much peace to your life.

Dear Lou,I am so sorry that you had to cope with this. So sorry that your first husband felt such despair. So sorry that your children lost their father too early and that you lost your husband under such circumstances.Many years ago (or so it seems to me now) I was consistently suicidal. It took a lot of time and therapy--and on some level, luck--for me to understand how distorted my thinking was. I am completely convinced that suicidal thoughts are indicative of mental illness. It sounds like you have reached an understanding for yourself about what happened, but if you ever need a reminder: it was not your fault. I hope, Scott, that you are continuing to be really, strongly active on your own behalf. You deserve to be healthy and happy. And it is absolutely possible. A year ago, I would not have been able to believe that my BF could become the calm, centered, peaceful man he is today. Every day we are astonished by how many changes have happened for the better. He is becoming the man he always wanted to be, 40 years after dealing with CSA. It is possible to learn different ways of thinking and living. Keep the faith, hold on to hope, continue to move toward health--you'll get better. It can be done.Peace,HG

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I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Thank you for the reminder that it was not my fault. Even though in my heart of hearts, most of the time, I know that, there are still times when I ask myself "why couldn't I have done something to stop him?" And I do be believe that you are absolutely right, suicidal thoughts are indicative of mental illness.

I am so glad that you were able to turn your life around and realize what a valued and wonderful individual you are.

It is nice for me to hear that someone like yourself was able to bring yourself out of the depths of despair and live a happy, normal life again. For my children's sake, I just wish he could have been one of them.

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