27 March 2009

Many a night I've lain on my bed and wondered "Why am I alone?". Don't get me wrong! I'm actually one of those weird people that can and does enjoy their own company for days on end, by design! That said I do like 'adult' human companionship from time to time. I want someone to talk to (it is so...o NOT cool to be talking to yourself in a locked room!), someone to enjoy the silence with, someone to snuggle with Sunday morning when playing hookie from church. Someone to watch really bad Hong Kong movies with while you play critic from opening credits till 'THE END' rolls on screen. Someone who shares my taste in 'weird' music by Nigerian standards and has the commonsense to tell me I look gorgeous when I gain ten pounds. Someone who really gets my dumb jokes and gets it when I have an epiphany. Someone to be my +1 when I get an invite to a gig or party (going stag has its virtues but when everybody else is a pair it can get old). Someone to be there when I cry and someone I can let my guard down with 99.9% of the time.

Now this isn't atypical! I'm sure I'm not the only person with this wish-list, but where the irony is is that I'm in a relationship and have been for 6 years!Yes...for those of you who think I'm a lesbian...I have a man! But do I really? We've been together for ages (longer than a lot of marriages I might add), but recently I've found myself asking why do I feel so alone! Why am I still living the single life? He's been on transfer for almost a year but this current state of affairs started long before he left. I was initially content with the status quo...we hook up when we need to, hang out individually, call before we visit (ok...that was my idea...what you don't know about doesn't count) etc. But a six year booty call isn't my idea of a relationship. I love him, and recently he confessed that he loves me too, but I'm not sure I want to continue on this ride anymore. Maybe turning 30 has something to do with it. I've realized that I want far more. I WANT to get married and have more children (I have 3 daughters from previous encounters) and time's a-wasting...big time! I've been gentle with him, letting him know I'm there, never pushing him and letting him find his feet in our thing, but I can't allow that anymore. I want all those things on my wish-list! And I want them soon.At the same time I'm kinda scared of letting go. Me...back on the dating scene! Agh! Frightening thought! Should I be so ready to throw away 6 years filled with some moments of joy or should look for something more? Maybe the question I really need to ask myself here, I guess, is: do I deserve the Status quo or do I deserve the wish list?!

DISCLAIMER: All thoughts and opinions expressed here are all mine (crazy as they might seem). All works here are my original work (unless otherwise stated)