Predictions for 2015: These Things Will Definitely Not Happen

1. Thom Yorke To Release Solo Album in Even Edgier Manner. In Branches of Sainsburys.

Said Thom, “I thought I’d release the album only in branches of Sainsburys because that way it’ll be easier for my fans to buy a copy when the pick up their groceries rather than messing around on the Internet for hours trying to work out how Peer to Peer software works and meanwhile accidentally downloading viruses on their lap tops and iPads. “

“My natural instinct of course would be to have a cassette only release through food shops which were organic nor-for-profit co-operatives, but then I thought, sod that, it’s just making everybody’s lives needlessly complicated, let’s give everyone a break and just sell the thing in actual shops.”

“It feels a bit odd, because it’s like the album might now get heard by people whose other interests don’t solely revolve around Lord of the Rings, bootleg movies and internet message boards. I’m looking forward to finding out what they’ll make of it. Perhaps they can contact me through the Dark We….damn, sorry, hard habit to break. They can try my Twitter account.

2. New Jimmy Page Solo Album Shocks Fans As Miley Cyrus Features on Lead Vocals.

“I wanted to take an EDM direction for this record,” reckoned Page, “I asked Robin Thicke originally, but he was busy…”

3. New U2 Album Titled “More Free Songs” Delivered To Every House In World.

Sadly, the experiment goes horribly awry as U2 use recently privatised Royal Mail to deliver CDs and they lose the lot, including the master tapes, which the Royal Mail say they never even had. The world rejoices, and the feeling of relief that no-one will have to hear the album is so huge that it triggers the World Peace that Bono has been striving for all these years.

4. Oasis Reforms. Releases Album That’s Even Better Than The First Two Albums.

“Who knew that Liam Gallagher had been writing all these stunning tunes and holding them back from his Beady Eye project?” said his brother Noel. “I’m just pleased we’re all together and happy. He’s a great bloke and lovely person. And not at all irritating and git-ish.”

5. Drama as PJ Harvey’s Public Recording of Album At Somerset House Exactly Replicates The Beatles’ Recording of Let It Be.

Harvey quits her own band after she argues with herself incessantly, and then hands the tapes over to Phil Spector to overdub sickly string arrangements from his jail cell.

6. Harry Styles Quits One Direction. Joins Queen.

Actually, on second thoughts, I wouldn’t put it past Brian May to shove a bass guitar in his hand and give it a try…

7. KISS Merchandise Becomes Latest PPI Scandal:

Financial Regulator moves attention away from insurance mis-selling and turns its focus on exactly how much tat Gene and Paul have got away with selling to gullible teenage fans over the years. Compensation to people “not deemed of sound enough mind to make a rational decision” touted to be “in the billions of dollars”… KISS fans flooded by SMS messages and Facebook ads from ambulance chasing law firms.

8. Zane Lowe Forced To Resign From Radio 1 After Admitting He Thought Sleater-Kinney Was A Law Firm.

Excellent! I am with you on No 1 especially. I think Thom has now condescended to put his album on Bandcamp, so people like me might just understand how to download it without being tracked by people who think we might be illegal files sharers in future. One day he will accept iTunes is OK. Please!