Fox News has long been the sole bastion protecting American values from a godless and cruel liberal atheist muslim fundamentalist communism at the heart of Hollywood. And so it is with a sad heart that we learn this morning why Kermit and company aren't doing better at the box office: they're simply anti-American.

You see, it turns out that the entire film is a thinly veiled allegory demonizing the oil industry, which as any loyal American knows, is akin to pissing on the Constitution. Did you know that the sixth amendment declares that oil companies are the fourth branch of government? It's right after the part about how Washington's wooden teeth get the tie breaking vote in cases where the entire Supreme Court gets syphilis.

Here's Fox News getting to the heart of the Muppet cancer:

If this isn't performance art demonstrating the rock bottom to which news can fall, I don't want to live on this planet anymore.