Monday, May 17, 2010

Given the haphazard way I write, that element could be gone in a few weeks, but it’s there now and it got me thinking.

I have a confession. I don’t want you to think less of me, but I need to get this off my chest.

I’m a thief.

I actually didn’t realize I was a thief until a couple days ago when I went searching for a poetry book I acquired in high school. I hadn’t seen it for years, but there was a poem stuck in my head and I wanted to remember the last line.

(Incidentally, the last line contains a comma I don’t recall noticing before, and that single comma changes the entire meaning of the line as I remembered it. Let that be a lesson to all of us as writers!)

In addition to discovering the comma, I also discovered this:Yes, apparently I stole the book. Back in 1991 at the start of my senior year in high school. I don’t remember consciously stealing it. I don’t remember diving beneath the anti-theft exit under a hail of gunfire or paying a man in a trench coat to slit the librarian’s throat so I could nab this book.

But here it is, evidence of my thievery. I’m not entirely sure what to do about it.

Since it’s been in my possession now for almost 20 years, the odds are slim the school librarian is still wandering the streets with a sniper rifle and a copy of my yearbook photo.

Still, I feel bad. Should I return it? Should I keep it? Should I go to my local police station and turn myself in? “I’m sorry, ma’am,” the cop would say to me. “You stole what?”

“A book of poetry, officer. Do you think there’s any way I can avoid the death penalty if I take a plea deal?”

If you have any suggestions, I’d love to hear them. Or if you have confessions of your own, feel free to share. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’m not your priest or your lawyer, so if you confess to murder, I might have to call the police.

25 comments
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Lilliana put a couple of cans in the bottom of the cart at the grocery store once. I didn't notice until we got home because she pulled them out and held them in the backseat. I hate to say I didn't have the energy to take them back then but mentioned it the next time we went. They didn't even care.

hahaha! the closest i ever came to theft was when i was xmas shopping a couple years ago with friends. we were in a shop gabbing with one of the clerks while she was ringing up my purchase...and i had coupons and discount cards (hey! im frugal!) and as we left the store, i looked at my receipt. $0. She didn't charge me for anything. I stopped in the middle of the mall and just stood there, not completely sure what to do...my bff saw the predicament i was in and helped me out. "Oh, go back. you know you'll feel guilty if you don't." so i did, and this time the girl charged me for my purchases...yes, i am a goody-goody...either that or i just suffer from a very loud conscience. :)

When I was nine, my neighbor double-dog-dared me to steal a candy bar from the local convenience store. I stole a pack of gum (it was closer), showed it to her, and then felt so guilty that I snuck it back into the store when she wasn't looking and paid for it.

I also had an incident like Candyland's, only it was a small glass vase rather than canned foods. It was $1 and nobody cared aside from me, but I was never able to use it and ended up giving it away.

I've also gone back to the bank for giving me too much money and called the insurance company for sending me checks I didn't deserve. So I guess if it were mine, I'd have to give it back. I'd go nuts. Or maybe I'm already nuts. I promise I'm otherwise sane. Mostly.

We went to the zoo on a field trip when I was in fourth or fifth grade. We went to the souvenir shop right before leaving to go back home, and I had a sweatshirt draped over one of my arms. I found a panda pencil sharpener that I thought I might want and through the shuffling of other stuff, put it in the hand that was under the sweatshirt.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going. I forgot about it, and LEFT THE SHOP WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT. It was about five minutes later, just as the teacher was starting to gather everyone up to get on the bus that I noticed I still had it! I made one of my friends sneak it back into the store with me so I could put it back. I was so terrified I was going to get caught putting it back.

I think I still live in fear that I have a library book in my possession. I don't, I just fear it. Those librarians were scary.

My confession? I lied...boldly. My last semester of college, I had a jam packed schedule because I was frantic to graduate (crazy people expect you to actually leave at some point). One of my classes was via video, but the professor wanted us to attend class once a week to discuss the videos. I didn't want to go...hello, it was a government class! So...I went to my professor and told him I couldn't attend the class because I already had one night class and my sons' babysitter couldn't come in but once a week. I was nervous, very nervous which he took to mean "stress". The lie part? I don't have children. I was the babysitter for my sister's sons and I needed the money she was paying me to watch them.

In the end though, I got a "C" in the class and did graduate, which is all that mattered to me. Sorry, Doc...I was in dire need of drinking money that semester!

You know, if it were a public library, you could drive-by drop it in the outside bin. That's what I did when I racked up a tremendous overdue fine. I don't know why it was easier to pay the fine later, without the stack of books, but it was.

If it were me, I'd call and ask the school if they wanted it back, then buy myself a used copy online. I also like the idea of making a donation to the school - perhaps to cover the cost of the book. I'm just a goody two-shoes; I couldn't help but feel bad that I accidentally kept the book.

I totally decided to keep three of my English books from high school. I always thought that the English department would consider my theft a job well done because it got me interested in their book selections...No? Maybe not?

The funny thing is that I actually 'kept' the exact same book that my mum 'kept' when she was in high school--THE CRYSALIDS!

I hate it when this sort of stuff happens to me. Somehow I have two linen napkins from my favorite restaurant. I have no idea how I ended up with them. I keep washing them and setting them aside to return. Before I get a chance to take them back, my kids keep using them! Maybe you can buy a new copy of the book for the library, donate a copy of your book and volunteer to speak at your old school. :)

One day I was flipping through a magazine while the cashier rang through my grocery order. It came time to pay and I reached into my purse to grab my wallet and somehow put the magazine inside as well. Whoops. I did return it - after I finished reading the article that so obviously distracted me.

Eh, just call them up and see if the book is available. If they have it, don't worry about it. Send them an anonymous donation. If they don't have it, send it back or walk it in. I'm sure they'll take pity on you. Did your school charge fines? Mine didn't, but the books had to be replaced or you couldn't get your diploma. Definitely write about it!

Liz, LOL on the book dedication. Not sure they'd all appreciate it, but some might!

Patrick, borrowing? OK, whatever you say.

Middle child, you have a warped sense of humor. Is that why you keep visiting me here? :)

Lani, not a bad idea about volunteering to speak at the high school. It's a fine line for me, since my books border on risque in places (OK, they're a lot risque in some places). I don't want parents beating me up.

Dawn, now I'm curious what the magazine was! Something smutty, I hope?

Jennifer X, at this point, I'm tempted to walk it in just to see the look on their faces. I remember checking this book out A LOT, so my guess is that one time I just failed to actually check it out (and therefore, forgot to return it). Whoops.

I was reading an article in the last couple months...don't remember it enough to find it...but it was about a man in his 50s or something who returned a book that his parents had nabbed from the school library because it was the reason they fell in love. The librarian was thrilled enough with the story to report it to the press :).