Friday, September 21, 2012

Garage sales. They are both interesting and terrifying, and sometimes at the same location. I’ve been to enough to know that before venturing into the great unknown of your neighbor’s hoarding habits, you always should bring with you two things. 1) Enough cash to pounce on that vintage pinball machine you thought you’d never come across again B) More Purrell than necessary to sanitize the Duggars.

Just as interesting, and certainly potentially as terrifying, is the phenomenon known as Craigslist. And while one certainly should be very selective when meeting someone through this site (public places, people!), once in a while, you can really get lucky. To save you time, I already went virtual garage sale shopping and wanted to bring to your attention some unique Packer items. Note: I am not receiving any sort of compensation from these listings (though I am not above that either if anyone is interested down the road;).

One of the first beauties I came across was this timeless Packers crock pot for just $25 (at the moment). I would love to try and sell you on its features and benefits, but the poster does such a great job I’ll let “Curt’s” words do the talking.

“Awesome! Great Rival crock pot with two heat settings (low and hi). The coolest part - it is adorned with the Green Bay Packers logos!!! Great for Packer Parties, Packer game day meals, or taking to the office on game day! Show your fan spirit for the Pack!!! The crock pot is in very good condition and works just fine!”

BAM. See what I mean? I totally agree that without the Packers logos, it’s just your average-looking crock pot from the 90s. But with the logos, baby, it’s simply awesome. Hell, you could inspire an entire man cave from that design. Maybe I will…

Speaking of interior design, why not spruce up your walls with these gorgeous, coordinating oil paintings? Best suited for those with an equally unbridled passion for Favre and the American bald eagle, these dual beauties measure almost as tall as a wooden ruler (shown) and are available at the economical price of $545 dollars each directly from the artist – no middle man here, treasure hunters.

Like most pieces of art, these painting probably have to be appreciated in person for the full effect. The only problem is the creepy basement you’re going to have to venture into to view them. And hey, what’s that séance-looking candle all about? On second thought, you may want to pass and/or alert the local authorities. “Yeah…”

Next, I found something that really knocked my socks off as far as uniqueness and vintage appeal is concerned. The owner of this “full-sized bed with rounded corners” in “fantastic condition” claims that it once belonged to Charlie Mathys. You see, the owner of the house purchased Mathys’s former home and was left with the contents - awesome. Who’s Charlie Mathys, you ask? (I know I did.) Oh, he’s only the first Packers quarterback to beat the Bears back in 1925. Yeah, turns out he was inducted into the Packers Hall of Fame in 1977 along with some guy named Bart Starr. So, nothing special apparently, which is why the bed is only going for $500 OBO. (No word on whether the mattress and quilt come with though.)

Finally, this item caught my attention simply for the description alone: “Man’s Box for Jewelry Green Bay Packers w/Free GB Watch” ($40). I have never seen a Man’s Box before. In fact, I didn’t even know they existed, but low and behold, this Man’s Box has “two levels”. That two freaking levels, people! I don’t know exactly what the means, but I know two levels on a Man’s Box has got to be better than one. But wait, there’s more... As “Ray” explains, his Man Box is made of real wood (heyo!) and is also velvet lined (again, heyo!). You know what, I’m not even going to show you the picture in the listing and leave this one up to your imagination.

But I do get it, people. Times are tough and money is tight. So if thesegems I picked out for you don’t exactly blow your hair back, the interwebs is all yours. There are still a lot of gems out there, I've read somewhere a guy won some great sports memorabilia against some dude while playing poker, apparently the guy ran out of cash and opted to bet one of his collections. That would have been a good bargain if you're good at the game, might wanna start reading some tips from sites like this and look for fellow collectors to play against, and hope that a good collectible item will come it's way to the tables, while you're holding a winning hand, of course. Happy treasure hunting, Packer fans.

Monday, September 17, 2012

After only registering six interceptions last year, Aaron Rodgers
already has two in two games this season. I’m far from a mathlete, as excessive
amounts of numbers frighten me, but I believe that projects out to sixteen I-N-Ts
over the course of the regular season. Having watched ol’ #4 under center, sixteen
interceptions doesn’t seem like much, but for Mr. Discount Double-Check, this
number is astronomical.

I went back and watched Rodgers’ two interceptions and the several
throws that probably should have been interceptions except for the simple fact
that the reason defensive players are on defense, is because they can’t catch
the ball. After six long minutes of analysis, my razor-sharp football mind still
couldn’t break it down and figure out what the heck Rodgers was doing. The
interceptions looked like Rodgers was trying to throw directly to the
defenders. Inconceivable!

Frustrated, I leaned back in my chair, removed my glasses, and rubbed
the bridge of nose…I stared at the ceiling of my film room, and let the gametape
(Okay, DVR, but game tape sounds so much cooler) run. Coincidentally, the new
Pizza Hut commercial with Rodgers and two chums hanging in his man cave came
on. This being the 100th time I had been subject to said piece of
advertising, I merely glanced at the TV and resumed staring off into space. The
inane banter of two morons planning to live in Rodgers’ man cave continued on.
I reached for the remote, convinced I would find the answer to Rodgers’ issues
with one more viewing. One last glance at the fire engine red, mancave set, and
I hit rewind…

…god, those commercials are offensively red. They hurt the eyes. I
couldn’t imagine spending all that time on set to film them; it would damage
your eyesi…

Oh, no. It can’t be…has Pizza Hut, a Plano, Texas based company,
succeeded where NFL defenses have not? Has the pizza (if you can call it that)
chain affected Rodgers’ ability to avoid costly interceptions by damaging his
eyesight? Scoff if you will, but Plano, Texas is a part of the Dallas/Ft. Worth
urban sprawl, where some team with a big star on their helmet makes their home.

Fine. It was a stretch to blame the Cowboys, but my amateur
ophthalmological diagnosis says that the obnoxious, glaring, soul-stealing, red color of the sets on Rodgers' Pizza Hut commercials have damaged QB1’s eyesight. I am holding Pizza Hut
responsible for Rodgers’ uncharacteristic performances. I strongly recommend the Packers’ attorneys have
the restaurant chain: 1) cover all his, what are sure to be extensive, eyeball
repair costs, 2) investigate Jerry Jones’ relationship with the company, and 3)
cease claiming their namesake is actually pizza. Okay, that last one is actually just mine.

As Packer fans, we can only hope that Rodgers’ offseason diet precluded
him from actually consuming a “Big Box,” otherwise we will soon be discussing his
unfortunate and tragic gastrointestinal maladies, rather than just his optic
injuries.

Did you know Old Spice burns armpits? Groin injury for #85? I’m
not so sure anymore….

Friday, September 7, 2012

A young, fairly promising student recently contacted the Ranter for help on his school project. Below is the transcript of our communication. His name and school have been withheld to protect his identity, therefore do not try and find him.

Hello sirs. My name is Timothy (Name Withheld). I am a 6th grader at (School Withheld) Middle School. I am doing a report for my english class on sports bloggers. Would you please answer a few questions for my report? I would be very thankful.

Can you wrestle a groundhog and beat him 7 times out of 10? That’s pretty much all it takes. Keep it personal, it allows others to relate to your fandom, and it tends to mean more to YOU that way. For example, talk about how you pinned the groundhog and then stood up and did The Belt followed by The Raji. You also have to be able remember at least one password, or at least have it written down in your wallet.

What credentials do you need to have?

In 1994, Robert chiseled a turtle out of a 2x4. Franklin has a cheese drawer in his fridge.

Do you need to be a good writer to be a blogger?

LOL.

What inspires you both to write?

Franklin rubs the head of his Lynn Dickey bobblehead in a counterclockwise motion then….boom! Idea. Robert listens to the Packerena on repeat while staring at the wall until he’s ready to burst.

Who is your audience?

Well, outside of moms, crazy uncles, and presumably Ted Thompson, I think there are about 6-10 Packer fans (and even a Viking, Lion, and Bear fan or two) that check in every once in a while to either agree, or simply shake their heads with what we post. One thing we have learned: keep posting. People will leave if you get lazy…and The Dude is most certainly lazy (ask your dad what that reference means, Timmy).

Where do you prefer to create?

Within hands- or hairs-reach of the computer.

My English teacher is also a sports blogger. She has a powerlifting blog. She told me ask how much you two stringbeans squat?

Like how many times each day…or what? That hardly seems relevant.

By the way, you guys have really funny hair! Thanks for helping me out.

Please rephrase the question, Timmy. Also, what sort of citations will you be using? We both prefer footnotes.

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