A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

What week are we in now? Only week five? With so few gals left? How will they pad this thing out? More important, how many questions can I start a blog post with? Five? Six? Seven? (The answer: eight, it turns out.)

I think they’ll do just fine and it may turn out for the best. Considering the cameras are on them 20/7 (TM, I just coined that phrase), so much gets left on the cyber-cutting room floor. If you stick around to the very end each week, there are always out-takes that I think are sometimes the best part of the show. And on the official website there are always deleted scenes that probably shouldn’t have been deleted. Maybe we can see more of these types of scenes now that Jake the Flake (TM) is tossing out women by the armful.

Reader Rachel makes a great point in the comments section (thanks for them all, by the way). Obviously ABC doesn’t want to give up too much of prime time to a guy’s religious beliefs, but we have to assume that if a Christian God and faith is the number one factor in determining a future wife, he’s probably having that conversation with all of them and we’re just not seeing it because, well... for obvious reasons. Non-fundamentalists would turn the channel in droves. And, continuing with this conjecture, if said woman wasn’t ultra-religious, he would know right then and there not to keep her around. Which makes perfect sense why he would eliminate so many of them at once. How does the vapid and shallow Spoiled Vienna manage to stick around? Don’t forget, as a teenager she was engaged to her pastor’s son, which assumes a few things: 1. She has a pastor. 2. She attends church. 3. She’s religious. 4. While getting married at such a young age isn’t the wisest of moves, it shows Jake she was probably not willing to have sex before marriage. And when you consider that, according to Classy Corrie anyway, Vienna likes to walk around topless showing off her boobs, we can assume Jake has a bad case of the Madonna-whore complex.

Speaking of the official website, have any of you seen Jake’s playlist? Good Lord. I happen to believe you can tell a lot about a person from their taste in music. Yes, we all have guilty pleasures on our iPods, and if you were to do a random sampling from mine, maybe I’d look like a knob, too. But this is something different. This was a top ten list, if you will, that Jake chose as a representation of how he wants to present himself. Let’s take a gander, shall we?:

1. Casey Donahew Band - "Ramblin Kind" - "They are a big Texas Country favorite. Very talented artists. I've seen them several times".

Never heard of them, but they’re a country band, so why would I? The fact he chose them first and has seen them several times is disturbing and any woman with an ear for music should carefully consider whether she wants to be around that for the next sixty years before accepting any more roses.

2. Aerosmith - "Love in an Elevator" - "I've been following Aerosmith longer than I can remember".

Aerosmith. Really. He’s been “following” them for a long, long time. And admits to it.

3. Bon Jovi - "Livin on a Prayer" - "Need I say anything about this one".

Uh, no. No, you don’t, Jake. Nuff said. But just because “prayer” is in the title doesn’t make it a hymn, dummy. Also, aren't Aerosmith and Bon Jovi the same band?

4. Toto - "Africa" - "Takes me back to the 80's"!

He liked crappy music in the 80s, too.

5. Eagles - "Take it to the Limit" - "AWESOME slow dance song"!

This one gets CAPS so you know it must be good. Unless, you know, you’ve actually heard it before.

6. Kings of Leon - "Sex on Fire" -"For some reason, I can't stop myself from singing along with this one.

Never heard of them, either. But just spent an excruciating four minutes on their website listening to one of their “new country” songs.

9. Gloria Estefan - "Tres Deseos" - "If you want to make a girl sweat on the dance floor, can't go wrong with this one. Super High Energy!"

Hey, I don’t mind Gloria Estefan in a kitschy kind of way. Would I include her in a public top ten list to the world? Not a chance.

10. Lifehouse - "First Time"-"Really good beat for a hard workout".

For a second I thought it was Lighthouse and got excited he included a legendary Canadian band. But no, it’s Lifehouse. I just listened to a sampling of “First Time”. A sampling is all I need.

So what I’ve learned is that Jake has as much taste in music as he has in women.

(Okay, turnabout is fair play. I won’t make a top ten list because that would require thought. But I’ll fire up the old iPod, set it to shuffle, and give you the first ten that show up, embarrassing or not. So you can judge me appropriately:

I’ll put that list up any day of the week over Jake’s. Judge me if you will.

Okay, on with the show.SEGMENT 1: Down to the final five. I wonder how many will go home tonight. The girls are still in the RV, heading to San Francisco, Former Front Runner Ali’s hometown (living up to the name, by the way. She was third in last week’s poll).

Jake says he feels really strong about the final five. Yet when he greets the RV at the hotel, his face belies those words. His smile looks forced. It’s not the smile of a guy who is jazzed to see the women of his dreams.

I don’t think the girls have ever stayed at a hotel before. Yes, it’s a five-star one and admittedly pretty nice, but really, it’s a hotel. The way they’re going on about the view and the beds is a bit over the top. I could understand if it was the hillbilly Ella, but these are all city girls.

This week there are three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. He will get to know the ladies on a much deeper level. i.e. no hide-and-seek or spin-the-bottle.

The first date card is for Dumb Divorced Tenley: “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco!” Hello trolley car. She’s so excited she takes gosh’s name in vein twice.

SEGMENT 2: Jake digs Tenley’s positivity. They walk out to the street and they see a trolley come around the corner. The Dumb one asks if they’re taking it. Uh, “let’s get our love on track”? Hello? They get it all to themselves and are delivered to Chinatown. “It’s amazing!” enthuses Jake. “It feels like you’re in a foreign country.”

Tenley feels like they’re a couple already. And you know what? They make a nice couple, I gotta admit. What you see is what you get with both of them, I think. They’re nice looking, not too deep, decent people. If she weren’t already divorced by the age of 25, I’m sure Jake would have no hesitation at all. He’s starting to fall for her, but he wants to get into her... head. What were you thinking?

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. I think Classy Corrie reads it. I’m guessing that’s her because she looks different in every single shot. But through process of elimination, I figure it’s gotta be her. Anyway, the big news is that the two-on-one date is with Former Front Runner Ali and Spoiled Vienna! How awesome is that?! “Come be the queen in my castle!” the note reads.

No wait! The funny Corrie does it again. She was kidding. Ooh, I like a girl with a sense of humour, even if she does possess the alien-like ability to shapeshift. So the real twosome is Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna. The Spoiled one is now living up to her name. I deserve a pat on the back for these nicknames which I assigned on the very first episode. She’s upset. So she gets into it with the Former Front Runner, who wants to know why she’s mad at her. Ali sure is losing points in a hurry. She asks what she did, and Vienna rightly mentions her flipping out at the rose ceremony because Vienna was chosen. Ali’s response: “How do you know that was because of you?” Once again, I must remind Ali that there is film in the cameras and this is being recorded for air on a national network. Now Ali digs a deeper hole by saying it has nothing to do with Vienna; it’s her opinion. Um, I think that makes sense. Does it? Maybe not. “This isn’t about who’s a better person,” Ali says. “Everyone has faults. I have a lot of them.” I gotta say she wasn’t very convincing. Kinda disappointed in the Former Front Runner. She coulda had class. She coulda been a contender. She coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what she is, let’s face it (said in my best Marlon Brando impression).

SEGMENT 3: Back on the date, Jake the Flake and Dumb Divorced Tenley have dinner at Coit Tower. He says she’s the one he pictures most as his wife. But he’s trying hard not to fall too hard too fast because of her divorce. Did I not mention that not three paragraphs ago? I’m good, I gotta admit. You’re lucky to have me. (Wait, don’t go! Sometimes I just get full of myself. I’m human. Everyone has faults. I have a lot of them.)

At dinner Jake asks what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took her husband for granted and lounged around on the couch when he walked in. She vows to never make that mistake again. Uh-huh.

She turns the tables on him and asks about his expectations of marriage. He answers, “I expect my wife to always, no matter what, to have my back. No matter what. Respect from my wife is one of the most important things to me.” In other words, get your lazy ass up off the couch when I walk in the door. “And to trust that I will love, honour and respect no matter what. Even when I do something stupid, hurt her feelings.” Tenley pretends to be impressed.

One more question from Tenley about pilots and faithfulness. I didn’t know there was a correlation, but maybe there is. Jake says cheating is a choice. I agree. But then he says the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. Oh, sweet, naive Jake. Why set yourself up to fail?

After kissing, they decide to open up their specially made fortune cookies. They each took turns creating a fortune for the other. So Tenley opens hers up. It reads, “Kiss me.” Jake opens his up: “Kiss me.” So they kiss some more. Then they go outside and kiss yet again.

SEGMENT 4: A big trunk arrives at the hotel suite filled with clothes for Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna on their date. Jackets and scarves and shirts and dresses. Vienna says, not fully understanding how TV works, that it was “really, really, really sweet of him. It meant a lot.” No wonder most of these relationships end up in the toilet after a season is over. When the producers aren’t around to do all these really sweet things, the bloom is off the rose. Reality bites.

The date is at a castle winery in Napa Valley. Can we expect more frolicking in the vineyard? One can only dream. Jake doesn’t like the 2-on-1 dates because he doesn’t know how to divide his time between the women.

Vienna dominates the conversation and poor wallflower Gia feels like the third wheel. Classy as always, Vienna says she’s going to try to keep Jake’s attention on her and that while Gia is around, she’s going to pretend she’s not even there. How to win friends and influence people, Vienna-style. And true to her word, while the three of them are sitting around making small talk, Vienna starts emoting about the last rose ceremony, as if Gia weren’t even there. Gia, meanwhile, sits there sucking on her Band-aid taking it all in. She must be loving this.

Jake admits the dinner was awkward. He finally steals Gia away from that train wreck. Gia tells Jake she’s always cold. Can’t see why. She must weigh close to a hundred pounds.

She also says that while she may not act insecure or seem insecure, she’s probably the most insecure girl in the fivesome. You would have thought that collagen, plastic surgery and fake boobs would have given her a level of security, but maybe it just speaks to how big of a basketcase she was before her new look.

Gia opens up once they’re alone. Apparently Jake’s thing is to have each girl’s legs on him, and they all found out about it. That hurt Gia. She thought it was just their thing. Not to defend the guy, but there are only so many intimate lounging positions that can be shown on TV. What did she expect? That he liked her legs on him, but with Vienna he likes his legs on her, and with Ali he likes her right leg on him, and with Tenley he likes her left on him, and with Corrie he likes their legs intertwined? He avoids the charge that they’re all the same to him and tells her she’s not lost in a crowd. He’s really, really into her.

Now, I may make cracks about her face job or lip enhancement, and for all I know she’s a natural beauty who’s never had a day’s work done on her. But isn’t it odd that in their little tete-a-tete she won’t take her hands away from her mouth and when she does she flips her hair down in front of her face or bows her head or scrunches up her lips or bites them? It’s as if she doesn’t want him to get a good look at it. Suspicious. Or maybe it’s just her insecurity.

As they neck, Spoiled Vienna goes on the prowl looking for them. This could be good. She doesn’t want him kissing or cuddling anybody else, she says, as we get a close-up of Gia’s tongue in Jake’s mouth.

SEGMENT 5: The kissing continues, but stops before Vienna finally finds them. She wants her boyfriend now, even if he does taste like a mixture of collagen and lip gloss.

Vienna gets some alone time with Jake. She drapes her legs over his lap, just the way he likes her to. And only her. He looks worried. He asks her what married life would be like with her. She rambles on about wanting kids and wanting to travel and waking up in exuberant love. She doesn’t think it (the love, one presumes) should just die down. Ah, sweet youth.

When she sees him with other girls, “it’s like a knife through the heart”, she says choking up. That’d be Red Flag #2. “I don’t want to share you anymore.”

Back at the hotel, another card arrives. There’s not much drama considering everyone gets a date and no one has to pack their bags. But they play along and pretend to be excited. The date is for Classy Corrie, the Shapeshifter: “Love is a walk in the park.” Let me guess... they’re going to a... parking lot? I dunno. These things are so damned cryptic!

Vienna and Gia go to their shared room in the castle while the shirtless Jake gets ready for bed. And Spoiled Vienna sneaks off to be with him because she thought (rightly) that during their one-on-one time his mind was somewhere else. Gia thinks (rightly) that she’s making a big mistake. Vienna brings Jake a big glass of wine and giggles that she doesn’t want to have to go back to her room tonight. Jake tells us – no, he assures us – that he had dirty thoughts, just like Jimmy Carter, but that nothing was going to happen. And nothing does, leaving Spoiled Vienna confused about where she stands.

SEGMENT 6:Classy Corrie, the Shapeshifter, is only 23. Did I know that? That’s too young to get married. Or at least too young to get married and stay married.

I know she’s all excited for her one-on-one date with Jake and she wants to make a good impression, but did you get a load of her footwear? She knows she’s going for a walk in the park and she’s wearing pumps.

Out on a rowboat, Corrie thinks they’re getting really comfortable with each other but it sounds stilted to me. Maybe it’s the nature of the beast, and I know darling Jillian was guilty of this, but every date shouldn’t sound like a job interview. And when they’re not talking, it’s even more awkward as they sit silently waiting for the other to make the first move. Classy Corrie comes by her nickname honestly, too. She’s a lady. She doesn’t make the first move. She says he should go 90 percent and she’ll make up the other 10. Jake agrees a man should make the first move, but his math is different. He’s only willing to go in 80 percent. That leaves him ten percent off his target. He puts an end to the terminal tension with, “I’m about ready for dinner.” Good call, sugar lips.

He likes being around Corrie but for the life of him can’t figure out why it’s going so slow with her. Might have something to do with that ten percent, loverboy.

Back at the suite, there’s a card. Who could it be for?! It’s for Ali! Will the surprises never cease?! “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city.” She gets to dictate this date. Vienna, naturally, is so happy for her.

Jake and Corrie head to a science centre. He asks her if she’s ever been to a museum after hours. What the hell did he expect? Unless she’s a curator or a janitor, chances are she hasn’t.

They sit down to dinner in front of a giant aquarium because, you know, that’s what you do at a science centre. Corrie realizes the date has been a bit awkward so she addresses it and they start into the job interview. She says she wouldn’t live with someone before marriage because that’s part of the gift of marriage. Hey, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free, am I right, ladies? She says she’s saving herself for marriage. As silly as I think that notion is, I gotta respect a beautiful woman who does it. Someone with no, or very few, options I can understand. But someone like Classy Corrie has no doubt had many invitations to be deflowered. Man, though, with Jake’s religious background and now Corrie’s wish to leave her hymen intact for the foreseeable future, the fantasy suite episodes are going to be a major let-down.

They do kiss, though. It looks like he gave in and went in the whole 90 percent. Well done, sir. I wasn’t sure you had it in you.

SEGMENT 7:Ali prepares for her date. Does she look like a young Jody Foster? Kind of, I think. Hopefully she won’t switch teams later in life, though.

They head up to the roof to get their bearings then head out in the city. He stops to buy her flowers in her neighbourhood. Jake says it would be fun to have a place in Dallas and a place in S.F. He actually says S.F. The initials. That’s the first I’ve ever heard anyone refer to it that way. Is that common?

She takes Jake through a typical Sunday, which starts by her checking her e-mail. Aren’t we at the point now where that is just a given? Doesn’t everyone? If you’re going to mention that as part of your day, why not your morning constitution?

Potential Red Flag moment for Ali: She says she knows she doesn’t come from a picture-perfect family. And she’s okay with it. Oh, please, please keep her around for one more week. Give us that little bit of joy. You’ve taken away any sense of titilation from the Fantasy Suite episode. Let us have at least one screwed up family on the family visits episode.

SEGMENT 8: Laying on a blanket in a park, Jake gets a back rub. Then he gets a front rub with Ali straddling him. Suffice it to say she ain’t saving herself for marriage.

He needs to find out from her about the drama at the last rose ceremony. But it’ll come, he says. Meanwhile, as she lays straddling his midsection, groin to groin, she says, “I feel comfortable with you.” He says, “Me, too.” I should hope so.

Jake finally screws up the courage to ask her about the last rose ceremony. She answers in generalities until he asks her if she has any specific questions she’d like answered. She politely declines, saying she doesn’t need any questions answered. If he picks her, then she’s his. She’s good at talking in circles. Jake finally says the V-word. And Ali relents. Jake tells her Vienna is “so incredibly honest and she goes out of her way to let me know she’s here for me.” And, apparently, she walks around the house topless, don't forget. Ali says she’s ready to let go of it. They kiss. Ali doesn’t look like the best kisser.SEGMENT 9: Rose ceremony night, which happens the same night as the Ali date. Jake has no idea what he’s going to do.

He seems to really connect well with Dumb Divorced Tenley.

Undefiled Corrie has a great line: “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” I believe she’s right. I think touching herself is fair game. But she wants him to know her virginity doesn’t define her. But Jake is fine with it. I bet he is. Every guy wants to be a girl’s first.

Ali and Tenley have a hush-hush conversation. Where are the subtitles when you need them? Why include this scene if we can’t understand more than just the gist? I think Ali said she thinks he’s torn between Corrie and Gia. She really is over Vienna, isn’t she?

Jake takes Vienna down to his room to reassure her the awkwardness of the two-on-one date was just situational. He seems to really like her.

So where does this leave us? Who does he send home? Ali thinks either Gia or Corrie. Man, I don’t know. Maybe Gia, but the editors did a fine job this week keeping us off the scent. Me, at least, since as you know I don’t read spoilers. I’ll go out on a limb and say Corrie’s going home. He’ll say things were moving too slowly and if they had more time, yada yada yada. We’ll see.

Jake notices Gia’s insecurity. His values line up with Corrie. But there’s a quick edit. Who knows what got left out. But I’m sticking with Corrie as the one who gets sent home. Regardless who it is, “this rose ceremony is going to hurt,” he says. He looks over all the photos and I swear to God Corrie looked different again.

SEGMENT 11: Do or die time. Four roses to hand out. As the five women stand there, it’s clear that Tenley has the best legs. Ali has the thickest. Corrie has to go to the bathroom. Either that or she is militantly virginal and won’t even uncross her legs before marriage.Let’s not waste any further time. It’s time to hand out some roses! Here they are, in order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley. Good choice.

Gia is sucking on her lips. Too late. We already saw your cat mouth.

2. Former Front Runner Ali. Yay! Psycho family here we come!

3. Gia Pet.

Corrie is sure giving off attitude. Just because she's a virgin doesn't mean she's not in touch with her bitchy side.

4. Vienna. Gotta love it.

Oh Classy Corrie. If only you put out. And didn't look like someone different every day. Jake says there was just something missing; it just didn’t feel right. She was taking so long to open up and he was worried she’d never open up fully. Nice, Jake. Get the girl to admit to the world she’s a virgin, then dump her for not opening up.

There are some tears in the limo but Classy Corrie the Shapeshifter is a very level-headed young woman. Kudos to her. Her cherry lives for another day.

Ooh, next week, for the first time ever there will be no rose ceremony. I’m sure you’ll find out through Virtual Steve or others what, exactly will happen. But I implore you to avoid such spoilers and enjoy the show next week.

I’m looking forward to reading your comments this week. And don’t forget to vote in the poll.