55Fiction_2012

Winners of Annual New Times 55 word fiction contest.

Sizist
spawn
F
rom a poodle with a person problem, to bloodthirsty writers plotting their revenge
against editors, to an unrepentant sinner presumably standing at heaven’s gate, New
Times is celebrating the 25th anniversary of our annual 55 Fiction competition with
wit, cynicism, whimsy, and style.
In keeping with our tradition of paying tribute to the
memory of a recently deceased author, we dedicate this
edition of 55 Fiction to Ray Bradbury, an author who believed,
without limits, in the value of books. And also to Maurice
Sendak, that wildest of beasts—an author who raged against
the trappings of normalcy and left us all a little bit wiser
for it. Do not go gentle into that good night, madmen and
provocateurs; rage, rage, against the dying of the light. ∆
Read, you fiends, and think fondly of
Ray Bradbury and Maurice Sendak
Send 55-word comments to Managing Editor Ashley
Schwellenbach at aschwellenbach@newtimesslo.com.
BY ASHLEY SCHWELLENBACH
ARTWORK BY NEAL BRETON
Poodle
Problems
It was humiliating,
this get-up. The
sequin-studded frilly
skirt was bad enough,
but a tiara? She was
the laughingstock of
the park! They teased
and taunted from a
distance but no one
would come near her.
Even off the leash she
was a bejeweled alien,
set a world apart by
her tinfoil crown.
Alyssa Rose
San Luis Obispo
Serve with Onions
No two writers agree about how
best to cook an editor.
“They’re tough, naturally,” said one
Pulitzer Prize winner, “but vinegar
marinade tenderizes nicely.”
A Newbery Medalist favors boxing
gloves.
But the biggest dissension is
finding a complementary wine.
Food critics insist on Cabernet—if
you’re grilling, of course.
I favor anything over 80 proof.
Lauren Collins
Templeton
Dishwasher
Sonata
Andy liked fart jokes, which
Elliot found repugnant. And his
eyes were brown, which wasn’t
a huge problem, but not ideal.
He called her “baby,” which was
crass.
But dating was difficult in
a small town, and he was the
only man she’d ever known who
danced spastically in the kitchen
to no music whatsoever.
Emily Bell
Missoula, MT
Peacekeeping
for Dummies
I’ve finally made peace with
the monsters under my bed.
It took 30 years, culminating
in a decade-long landmine
campaign. They retaliated by
relocating to my shower—I
smelled a bit ripe for a few
weeks. But we’ve struck a
compromise. I moved into a
bigger house, and they get the
guest bedroom.
Do Over
He replayed for me
only a few moments:
Every masturbation.
Each drunken
revelry. The first girl
I kissed; the last boy
I kissed. He looked
at me and scowled
and commanded me
to explain for my
sins. All I could do
was smile. Because
even knowing what I
know now, I wouldn’t
change a thing.
EventsCalendar
Special
Events
39+ DANCE CLUB Dance to a live band
every Wednesday afternoon from 11am-2pm,
Morro Bay Veterans Hall, 209 Surf St., Morro
Bay., $6. More info: 227-0607, meesen@
sbcglobal.net.
MONDAY NIGHT MAGIC (TYPE II:
MAGIC THE GATHERING) Come and join
Monday Night Magic (Type II Magic: The
Gathering) at Captain Nemo in SLO. 5pm,
Captain Nemo Games, 565 Higuera Street,
San Luis Obispo. More info: 544-6366,
web@squaredealonline.com.
OPEN BOARD GAME NIGHT! Bring your
favorite board games for our Open Board
Game Night at Captain Nemo in San Luis
Obispo! Hope to see you there, and game
on. The next meeting is July 5. 4pm, Captain
Nemo Games, 565 Higuera Street, San Luis
Obispo. More info: 544-6366, web@squaredealonline.com.
ENVIRONMENTAL DEFENSE CENTER’S
TGIF One of the best happy hours in Santa
Barbara, this TGIF is your opportunity to connect with environmental activists, elected
officials, friends and family to the beat of live
music, food, and beverages. There will be
beer, wine, snacks, live music and a raffle on
July 13. 5:30-7:30pm, 906 Garden Street,
Santa Barbara. $15. More info: 963-1622
ext. 100, edc@edcnet.org, environmentaldefensecenter.org/about/contact.html.
THE MAGIC OF QI GONG - STRETCH
PHOTO BY VIVAN KRUG
Walk in fields of gold
All dog lovers are welcome to join owners of Golden Retrievers at Laguna Lake Park
in San Luis Obispo for the fifth annual “Goldens in the Park” on July 8. The event
is organized by local Realtor Lenny Jones of Arroyo Grande and benefits Woods
Humane Society and the Animal Shelter Adoption Partners of SLO County. The event
will be held from noon to 4 p.m. and will feature golden competitions, demonstrations,
pet vendors, dog and human food, and much more fun for the whole family. For more
info, visit slocountygoldenretrievers.com or facebook.com/goldensinthepark.
Gary Ace
San Luis Obispo
Squirrel Bite
Brent D.
Singleton
Fontana
South Thornburg, Santa Maria. More info:
925-8824, santamariafairpark.com.
LOS OSOS LIBRARY CHILDREN’S
CRAFT FAIRE Children ages 13 and younger
are invited to pick up an application for the
Craft Faire. Applications are due July 21.
Applications must be submitted for inclusion
in the Aug. 4 faire. Children will be making
and selling their own crafts. Stop by the library
SPECIAL continued page 50
COVERING K-12
Could your business be the answer?
The school year is coming around again and New Times is taking a look at what’s new and exciting for grades k-12. Our readers need your
help! If you provide goods or services that are needed to get the county’s kids back to school, you won’t want to miss this special section.
If you would like to get better educated about this special section, contact New Times today.
Advertising Deadline JULY 27
An African in New York, 1894
Boubacar stood silent, an onyx sculpture adorning the vestibule. His humanity
confirmed only by the briefest nod as dropped pennies clink-clanked in the brass
kettle dangling from the Senegambian’s arm. In Africa, his ability to read and speak
many languages garnered respect and position. In this land, he awaited clanging
confirmation of alms, inert.
Brent D. Singleton
Fontana
16 • New Times • July 5 - July 12, 2012 • www.newtimesslo.com
For a complete list of special
events, arts listings, support
groups, lectures, and more,
please visit New Times online
at newtimesslo.com/calendar.php where you can submit events to be included in
New Times Calendar, browse
for upcoming events, or
check out what’s happening
today in your neighborhood.
Submissions are edited and
approved by Calendar Editor
Nick Powell. To be included in
print, as well as online, please
provide specific dates in the
description box. Deadline
for submission is one week
before the issue you want to
be in. Events can appear in
print up to 10 days before they
happen.
Education
Today ‘12
Jack Kennedy
Cambria
Mark writhed before the ER
nurse injected him with morphine.
Once the narcotic entered the
brain, his neck burned and curled
back. He wondered if this
was normal or a bad
reaction. Soon
enough, the drug
rendered him
blithe. Mark
closed his eyes
and listened
to the woman
next door
complain of a
squirrel bite.
AND FLOW INTO VITALITY Lee Holden,
a well-known Qi Gong practitioner from The
Santa Cruz Integrative Medicine & Chi Center
and KQED Public Television notoriety, will be
giving a weekend QI GONG workshop on July
14 and July 15 at The Green Lotus Center.
Cost is $195. Pre-registration and full payment
is necessary to hold a place. Saturday, 10am5pm and Sunday, 10am-3pm., 550 Morro Bay
Blvd., Morro Bay. More info: 748-4930, holly_
gruendyke@hotmail.com, greenlotuscenter.
com/special_events_in_july_lee_holden.
LIVE-LOVE-BE: GAY PRIDE Gay Pride
week of events takes place July 6-8 and
includes an art reception, drag show, beach
bash, all culminating with Pride in the Plaza.
Times vary, SLO County. More info: 541-4252,
slopride.com.
FOCUS ON WOMEN Speaker Mary Ann
Tardiff, an Estate Planning Attorney, will
share “Wills and Trusts - what do I need to
know now?” Speaker Susie Fulton will share
“The greatest gift I can give my kids as I make
my end of life decisions” on July 10. 6:15pm,
Los Osos Valley Mortuary and Memorial Park,
2260 Los Osos Valley Rd, Los Osos. Free.
More info: 528-1500, sufulton@stei.com.
NEW TIMES MUSIC AWARDS New
Times is accepting submissions for its annual
music contest. Finalists from five categories
will get a chance to perform live before being
crowned as SLO County’s supreme rockers.
Submit online or at the office, New Times
SLO, 1010 Marsh St. More info: 546-8208,
newtimesslo.com.
SANTA BARBARA COUNTY FAIR Enjoy
carnival rides, live entertainment, delicious
food, and exhibits July 11-15. Events occur
throught the day, Santa Maria Fairpark, 937
submit
your
listing
online
Issue Date AUGUST 2
805-546-8208
Phone
805-546-8208
Call
to
be a part of our children’s future!
805-546-8641
www.newtimesslo.com
Fax
www.newtimesslo.com • July 5 - July 12, 2012 • New Times • 49
The Hottest Pepper
Her dad gave
her a cheeky smile
and said, “I’ll give
you a dollar if you
eat that pepper.”
She looked at the
daunting red chili,
the color of fire
trucks, and then
back to her dad’s
face. She agreed,
knowing ice cream
makes everything
better.
Sharaya Olmeda
Arroyo Grande
The Accident on North Tryon
The blue lights of the police car blink against the setting sun, and Rhea curses
the jam on North Tryon.
At home she slips into a lilac dress and lights up the candles. As the chicken
marsala simmers, she calls up Dave. A police officer answers. She grasps the
words, accident, Tryon, and University Hospital.
Rajni Gupta
Hunterville, N.C.
Plastic Princess
His first impression of her was love at
first sight. Him casually walking down
a bustling
sidewalk, her
posing in a
display window,
perfectly
proportioned and
plastic. Tonight
he would smash
the glass window
of her cage
and rescue his
princess. Tonight
her plastic skin
would be warmed
by his Prince
Charming touch.
Minestrone and Pop
Dorothy died the day American Idol crowned its 12th winner. She’d
volunteered at a soup kitchen for 23 years, and patrons agreed the soup had
improved considerably during that time. (She was liberal with the pepper, and
easy on the eyes.) People decried Simon Cowell’s cruelty, the loser’s tragedy.
Meanwhile, Dorothy’s cat ate her face.
Don’t Get
Me Started
on Play-Doh
Penelope Bradshaw
Boise, Idaho
Preschool isn’t all
it’s cracked up to be.
I’m an insomniac so
naptime is boring
as shit. Second, the
principles of sharing
go against capitalism.
Lastly, I will shank
the next bitch who
tries to make me color
inside the lines, even
if I have to use those
dull-ass scissors to
do it.
Sharaya Olmeda
Arroyo Grande
Karen Ballentyne
Oceano
A Dirty Turn
Crown Jewel
As the photo technician shuffled through a recent batch of prints,
his eyes fell hungrily on a familiar face. Glancing quickly over his
shoulder, he leaned down and slowly licked the width of the glossy
surface. He then tucked it safely into his breast pocket, another jewel
to add to his collection.
Sharaya Olmeda
Arroyo Grande
The fluorescent light of the laundry-mat made her head ache
with a dull throb. Tiredly she wheeled bundles of clothes over
the dirty tiled floor. The crow’s feet around her eyes creased
happily as she emptied the contents of the ashtray from outside
into all four of the machines. One dirty turn deserves another.
Sharaya Olmeda
Arroyo Grande
If Life Came with a Remote Control
“Tough luck, shithead, the world’s not fair,” my mother told me for the 117th time.
She’s right. But rather than have kids of my own and pass along the wisdom
of “tough luck, shithead, the world’s not fair,” I opted to write books. My worlds
might not be fair, but the parental figures are mute.
Karen Ballentyne
Oceano
Booty Call
Maybe if you were that
hot Brazilian, or last
Friday’s waiter. But it is
1 a.m., and you’ve just
reminded me what an ass
you can be. Rain check.
Kate Ashley
Templeton
18 • New Times • July 5 - July 12, 2012 • www.newtimesslo.com