Friday, August 4, 2017

Ready for Change, Ready to Lead

As the nation's foremost moderate political blog I have a duty to help keep the voters, especially Detroit voters, informed about the candidates participating in our Great Democratic Experiment. As a follow-up to yesterday's amazing story it's my extreme pleasure to now present a comprehensive, unbiased and thoroughly fact-checked guide to the 2017 Detroit Mayoral Election. Democracy dies in the darkness, so we must shed the glorious light of our freedoms on the diverse and highly qualified roster fighting for the right to rule over a city that should start improving itself tomorrow.

Excuses for Criminality: Was wronged by police and courts, didn't do [anything].

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Experienced carpenter (Just like Jesus!), degree in business management from unknown college, chosen by God.

Big Plans for Detroit: Better health care, "rebuilding," doing something about all the crime (not including the ones caused by her own pathological behavior, I would assume).

Representative Quote: “There’s a lot of good officers. I just ran into a couple bad situations.”

DaNetta L. Simpson

Party Affiliation: We Dyin' Hee-ah.

Diverse and Exotic Racial Background: "African-American."

Criminal Convictions: Assault with intent to murder.

Excuses for Criminality: Wrongfully convicted of a crime she did not convict, "overcharged," witness lied.

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Cosmetologist and salon owner, gave birth to four bastard children, has made failed bids for lesser offices, was imbued with a noble desire to better her city after her "interaction" with the criminal justice system.

Representative Quote: “I was a wrongfully convicted felon, overcharged for a crime I did not commit.”

Articia Bomer

Party Affiliation: Democrat.

Diverse and Exotic Racial Background: "African-American."

Criminal Convictions: Arrested while sitting in a car, police search found an illegal firearm.

Excuses for Criminality: Arrest was "frivolous" and wrong, the gun wasn't hers, it probably belonged to the previous owner of the car or all the other people who carry guns that have gotten into the car.

Excuses for Criminality: Complex life in a crime-ridden area, couldn't find honest work.

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Good boy turning his life around, earned a degree from an online diploma mill, author of three novels (Bitch Got a Big Ol' Azz: The Book, etc.) activist, minister, chosen by God.

Big Plans for Detroit: Giant "Mall of Michigan" that will be put "on tilt" on a daily basis until it becomes another downtown ruin, more jobs for felons, fighting "discriminatory" lending, "academic achievement."

Representative Quote: "My life, I believe it was very complex growing up.”