7:00— Jimmy Buffett gets the party started with a song about relaxing.

7:05— Beach balls. Everywhere.

7:16— A gentleman who looks like he’s about 60 is smoking weed in left field.

7:26— Jimmy Buffett’s music is not very dynamic. Don’t get me wrong, I like songs about getting drunk in the afternoon as much as the next guy, but it doesn’t take long for these tunes to start blending together. You could tell me the drummer was playing the same beat with occasional fills thrown in from the moment this shit started and I’d believe you.

7:35— Jimmy Buffett is worth over $550 million dollars. Can you believe that? The guy writes poetry about cheeseburgers. Capitalism, man.

7:36— Our basest human needs are satiated with a full-throated, full-stadium singalong of the chorus “Why don’t we get drunk and screw?”

7:39— Jimmy Buffett’s backing group, the Coral Reefer Band, is made up of far more capable musicians than the music of Jimmy Buffett requires. Bongo man is slappin’ the skins like a maniac. It’s fun.

7:51— The Coral Reefer Band’s Wikipedia page lists the group’s notable special guests over the years. Paul McCartney, Roy Orbison, and Brian Wilson are on the list. New Orleans Saints football coach and bountygate maestro Sean Payton has played bongos in the band. Harrison Ford contributed “whip cracks.” Ric Flair once played drums and offered his signature “woo”s to the Reefer Band’s sonic landscape. What a world.

Nah, jk, Walsh introduces the band by saying, “How you doing? Great to be back here.”

9:06— The Eagles energize the crowd with mega-hit “Take It Easy.”

9:08— Revelation: “Take It Easy” is like Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” but if Dylan had been hooked on whippits.

9:15— I have to admit, the Eagles have some great harmonies. Like a subdued Bee Gees, maybe. Having a moment here with “One of These Nights.”

9:18— That moment is neutered from my memory by a guitar solo with all the excitement of a pair of pleated khaki pants.

9:20— Don Henley has just informed the audience he’s planning on playing for “about two and half hours tonight” because “we can.” Fuck.

9:29— Huge cheer from the crowd for Don Henley during “Witchy Woman.” The crowd here has apparently forgiven Henley for “All She Wants to do is Dance,” one of rock and roll’s great atrocities. But I cannot.

9:48— I assume this song is called “Bread Sandwich.”

10:12— The official attendance tonight is 42,185. The city’s crime rate has surely plummetted with all these ne’er-do-wells off the street.

10:15— It’s amazing how many of these songs have achieved ubiquity. When a song would start, my reaction would be, “Oh right, that’s an Eagles song too.” This has happened at least three times tonight. Try as I might to suppress it, these ‘gulls have embedded themselves deep in the fabric of my mind.

10:34— Man, these songs are long and tedious. This is like reading a footnote-heavy guide to Microsoft Excel, but with guitars.

10:42— Joe Walsh takes center stage for “Life’s Been Good.” He does his signature guitar doodling. Sometimes he swings his hips.

10:43— Joe Walsh makes Jimmy Buffett look like GG Allin.

10:55— This song sounds kind of like “Bread Sandwich” but with more twang. The bass line’s a little saucier. The set ends with its conclusion.

11:03— Encore! Hotel Californiaaaaa!

11:05— If I never hear this song again it’ll be too soon. I hate it and I know every word. Every second of the guitar solo. The drum fills. All of it. I know every particle of this song and I hate myself.

11:13— I have made peace with the fact that this concert is never going to end.

11:18— The lighters come out for “Desperado.” As far as I can see, no one is crowd-surfing in an attempt to set themselves on fire.