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May 18, 2007

When life gives you lemons

When life gives you lemons, they say make lemonade. Yet if life just seems to bring headaches, confusion, and turmoil…what the hell can you make out of that. Last night I went to the Galleria and just walked around. Went in a few shops but just pretty much was zoned out. Went to the movies that evening and saw 28 WEEKS LATER. It was pretty good and I enjoyed myself. I received a voicemail while I was in the movie theater but I didn’t have a signal to check it at the moment.

I checked it once I left the mall going towards my car and had a feeling I knew who it was coming from. My hunch was correct and the person and I talked for about 5 minutes tops. The mood of the conversation was just….cordial. We hadn’t talked in a while and he wondered why I hadn’t called as well as some other business between us. I gave my response at least on yesterday that he was supposed to call but he didn’t.

He then informed me that he was going out of town for a few days. We then said our goodbyes and I got in my car and made the trek home. As I was on the highway I kept thinking about all the things that I’ve had stirring in my mind over the past month regarding the person I was just on the phone with.

I guess for me there have been changes that have been happening on both ends. For me I’ve started to realize that brass can’t be cleaned and polished to be mistaken for gold. These past weeks/months, I’ve been going over and over in my mind about different events that have happened. Many issues have arisen where I knew I should have let bygones be bygones, cut my losses and set myself free. Yet it’s not easy when you love someone. Pure in simple. Yet it became easier for me, because of one incident.

There is nothing worse to feel when you care about someone and even when you are holding them, they are thinking about someone else. It cuts you like a knife. You can’t help who you love, and that goes for anyone. Yet one thing I will NOT be is a stand-in, a substitute, runner-up, or a consolation prize. To be any of those items means, I don’t have enough self-respect for myself and damn if it doesn’t hurt. For me I had to finally take a HUGE step back and look at myself and go back over all the different incidents that have criss crossed and shaped my life with this individual being involved.

We had our share of good times but it just seems to me in the past couple of months, I feel as though when I’m in his company, I’m there mainly for one thing which at one time I was cool with, we don’t talk like we used to unless it’s a rare moment. I feel he has this wall around him and there’s no door. Yet other people get to see a part of him that I’ve been shut out from.

I guess I’m just too tired to worry and care anymore. I’m a good person, fuck that I’m a WONDERFUL person. I deserve someone who will appreciate me, ALL of me. Mentally, Physically, and other things as well. I may not be perfect, I can only be me, so that’s why I’ve been distant to this person and I guess in a way I’ve been distant with a lot of people. Yet to some of the others I do apologize because they have been there when I have been at my lowest. I need to get back to being myself, the person who was HAPPY and SILLY all the time.

Not the person who breaks down in tears from a drop of a dime because she’s depressed.Not the person who gets headaches because she can’t help but think about the negative things I her life.Not the person who looks in the mirror and wonders where the years have gone.Not the person who wonders if she will EVER find any peace.

I need to get back to the person that would hang out with her friends and call them up to see how they are doing, instead of them majority of the time having to call me.I need to get back into doing active things with my life whether it is a walk around the neighborhood or some sports.I need to get OUT and meet people and stop being such an introvert (of course easier said than done)I need to get back to the person who will finish college and prove to herself that she’s not a failure and can finish what-ever she starts. Even if it does take over 10 years to do so.Point blank, I need to get back to ME, I need to start doing ME, being happy with MYSELF, and saying FUCK the rest if you can’t put that in YOUR schedule.