Spitting in the eye of a spiteful universe!

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In this week’s episode (wow, has it been a week already?) we bring you conjoined criminals, alternate selves, monster neighbors and all the answers you need to your burning real estate questions. Most importantly, and surely at the top of your list of agonizing concerns, we put to rest the ongoing debate of which My Little Pony would have the largest breasts if they were human women. You’re welcome. Now, just to fill time mind you, we also talked a smidge about the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. Skullard said some nice things about both Democratic candidates. Do NOT get your progressive undies in a bundle. Your friendly neighborhood podcasters are neither Bernie Bros or Hillcats, but we love that we’re being given the choice between two adults. On the other side . . . (insert comic “whaa-whaaaaa” sound effect here) we’re glad to have the choice between two parties. We’re not all that political of a show, but we do have opinions. The thing is, though, so does everybody else, and you can find buckets full of podcasts that will stoke your election season rage. But what other podcast is going to bring you the honest, hard-hitting truth about discount grocery outlets that smell like ashtrays? Only one, and you’re listening to it: What Could Go Wrong? Damn, it’s good to be back.

What’s the most unbelievable and unethical thing about this week’s bad movie? It’s the fact that Bruce Dern was married to Marilyn Munster (Pat Priest) and would rather putter around in his lab than putter around with her. What, was he nuts? Turns out everyone was who was involved in or even watched The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971).

This is what you get by messing around with programs that come free on your computer.

In this week’s educational short, a boy uses his imagination while playing inside a cardboard box. Fortunately for children today, there’s an app for that. But imagine what having an imagination must have been like back in the 70’s with The Box.

Okay, is everyone on board here? Does everyone get what’s going on? We’re all on the same page, right? We’re good? Alright, here we go then.

Skullard has been putting songs up on Soundcloud, both old and new. Here’s an oldie redone with a uke.

Tusk (2014) is a troubling film that coats your mind with an oily ickiness that doesn’t wash off right away. The fact that this movie came about in such a strange, organic way is the only explanation for how it exists at all, which is to say, it shouldn’t fucking exist. And poor Justin Long! Why!?! Honestly God, why did this even have to happen in a make-believe movie? It’s wrong and sick and . . . ew, we’re going to take another shower. In the fetal position. Until the hot water runs out. Maybe even a little longer.

C’mon Walmart, is this really too much to ask for? Geez, she IS bipolar after all. (Image credit to Google)

Mother is up to something. Will Jean figure out what’s going on before the chatterbox narrator spoils the whole surprise? Find out by watching A Surprise for Jean (1952).

You’ve heard the phrase, “Make hay while the sun shines”? Well, this is us making podcasts while we still have a full night of sleep under our belts. The waistline is the traditional place to carry your sleep, by the way, but you probably already knew that.

The story about Eddie Tipton, the Lotto official who cheated in order to make millions, makes a lot more sense considering that he and his co-conspirators are Bigfoot hunters. Apparently, it takes at least Six Million Dollars to find Bigfoot.

Fox is starting production of 24: Legacy, a new 24 season without Jack Bauer. That’s right, no Bauer. Are you going to be okay with that, Jack?

Chopping Mall (1986) is a historical documentary that examines Reagan-era economics, early forays into user/electronic interfacing and tits. It’s all boom boxes and banging bimbos until lightning strikes and reprograms the mall’s security robots . . . for EVIL. What was supposed to be a sex party at the furniture store quickly turns into a “men with guns vs robots with lazers vs chicks with poofy bangs” free-for-all. The producers of this film made tons of money, not from ticket sales, but from charging the various chain stores in the mall to NOT film footage of killer robots rolling in front of their store logos.

Walter Paisley makes an appearance in Chopping Mall, but you may remember him best from Bucket of Blood (1959), where he plays an awkward and ultimately homicidal artist. Isn’t always the way? You’re trying to do something creative and all of a sudden people start expecting you to get them off.

We talked about how Luka is making digital art of our role-playing characters, so we thought you might like a peek. This is Rin, a changeling Cleric/Monk with two different colored eyes and a Bag of Holding Type IV full of personality. (Happily Married)

While Jean is busy having a tea party, her favorite dolly catches the measles . . . or did she?

We’re not sure if anyone noticed (we didn’t), but someone used this page for posting nonsense for about a week. We apologize if you visited the site to enjoy our pointless bullshit only to find someone else’s less entertaining pointless bullshit. We’re looking into it and will fix the problem permanently just as soon as Luka calms down.

Have you ever had the feeling that you were on the wrong boat? Here’s a tiny taste of the BBC’s And Then There Were None, and if you’d like to gobble up the entire lobster souffle, all three episodes are available on YouTube as a kind of Holiday present from the BBC. Now, don’t you feel bad for not getting them anything?

A naive little girl is kidnapped and murdered by a cruel stranger, which causes her mother to become somewhat distraught. But don’t worry, it was all a dream! OR WAS IT?! Find out frome The Stranger (1957).

Happy Thanksgiving all you tater-mashers and turkey-jerkers. We’ve finally reached that most beloved Thursday when no one says, “Well, at least tomorrow’s Friday.” Millions of flightless birds have given their lives so that men can happily fall asleep on the couch while watching football. And let’s not forget those amazing, slow-moving parades that everyone loves and nobody watches. Thanksgiving truly is a feast for the stomach and the eyes, binge-eating and binge-watching in near perfect synchronization. That’s what happens when you give people a whole Thursday off: not knowing what to do with themselves, they go a little overboard. Rest assured, your dear What Could Go Wrong? friends will be doing some over-consumption of our own, most likely ripping through Jessica Jones on Netflix. That is, if we can wait until Thursday. Most likely we’ll spend the day not Face Timing with relatives and indulging in our rich fantasy lives as elves. Who knows? If we think about it, we may even stop to eat something.

When most of us think about the movie Scanners (1981), we think about the cardboard VHS sleeve packed with styrofoam, sitting menacingly on the Sci-fi shelf in the ye ol’ video rental store. Either that or we think about that guy who’s head blows up. When it comes right down to it, that blowing up head and the box the movie comes in are really the highlights of an otherwise slog of a movie. This film’s pacing really is like a toddler with car keys, which is to say “fits and starts.” And if fits and starts were shits and farts then we’d all need shovels and gas masks, which I’m sure the crew needed to clean up after a couple of Cronenberg’s more signature scenes. Just remember, Scanners are everywhere, they can read your thoughts and control your computer. No, wait, that’s Google.

Spoiler time! Why watch a whole damn movie when we can show you the only scene you care about right here? Rabbit livers, AWAY!

Barry Allen can do a lot of amazing shit, but he can’t say “Star Labs” correctly. We had our resident translator go over the subtitles on this video and it’s official: the Flash is saying it wrong even in French. Hasn’t France been through enough? It’s “Star Labs”, Barry, not “Star Labs“. C’mon, a little effort here?

The King is back. Ash vs Evil Dead not only meets but exceeds expectations, delivering massive action, gore and brilliant comedy. We live in a magical age.

By all that doesn’t even pretend to be holy, Scream Queens is a funny-ass show. A shapely ass tightly packed into a sheath skirt, to be sure, but funny nonetheless.

Back in Skullard’s day, when nerds still hid in darkened corners to avoid the roving gangs of socially adept athletic types who would crush dweeby skulls and hang thick framed glasses from their belts as badges of virility, Dunkin Donuts had an adorable box to put Munchkins in. Ain’t it cute? What?

Okay, maybe that nerd-murder story was a bit disturbing. But Dunkin Donuts always used horrific and soul-curdling images to sell their wares. Christ, they even made a bunch of innocent children pretend to giggle at Mason Reese.

Is life getting to be a bit too much? Jerry’s is. He’s sick with anxiety over this new promotion at work. He’s stressing out! What he needs is a good talking to – from himself! That’s right, for once a multiple personality disorder isn’t just okay, it’s therapeutic. The Inner Man Steps Out (1951). Boy, does he.

My name is Igor. The Master and Mistress are up in the tower enjoying their . . . diversions. But don’t be so quick to take leave, dear listener. I’m here. Come, come downstairs with me to my . . . let’s call it a “workshop”. Yes, this is where I do all my little projects. And this week, it will be I, the faithful assistant Igor, who will guide you through the depths of Demon Lord Dante Tower. What’s that? Thought you heard an echo, did you? These stony wall do play tricks on your ears. On your ears and sometimes . . . other things. Oh now, don’t be concerned. You’re a guest. We know how to treat guests down here. Guests get a lot of individual attention.

Oh my, there certainly was a great deal of blade-work that went into this Spooktacular Mansion event the Masters visited. A shame it was all wasted on pumpkins.

Ah, the Pit and the Pendulum from 1961. So many dank, web-filled corridors. A deep, stone-lined dungeon filled with apparatus of the most amusing sort. Makes a boy feel homesick, really. It takes me back to the days when you could slip through secret passages to peer out at the Mistress playing harpsichord by candlelight . . . or trysting with the village doctor whilst the Master was out buying more torches and Iron Maiden polish. Good times.

Some people don’t have time to see a whole film to watch Vincent Price go slowly mad. Some people would rather just jump to the gruesome finale. Some people deserve to be sliced up like deli meat.

I admit that I’ve always had a soft spot for Barbara Steele. I have a hard spot for her as well. Long have I gazed at her wide, expressive eyes, her ever-parted and inviting lips, her silken locks of dark, ebon hair and thought, “I’d like to have a piece of that”. Several pieces, in fact. Several preserved, well labeled pieces kept in clean glass jars all lined up in a row. Heaven.

No, this isn’t a scene from Master’s nightmare last night about an inescapable bible study in an arachnid-infested coffee shop that made him wake thrashing and sweating, reaching reflexively for a blowtorch that wasn’t there. This is just a few of the thousands of little friends that currently make their homes on the Main Street Bridge in Columbus, Ohio. Some thought the city decorated the bridge for Halloween. The flies and ladybugs knew better though . . . but only after it was too late!

Oh, but I did enjoy this week’s vintage film. I found it very educational, and entertaining. Who knew there were so many dangers that prowled the roadways of our countryside? And what’s more, so many horrors await the unwary in their very homes. I laughed and laughed. Why don’t you amuse yourself with visions of death and dismemberment? Why Not Live? (1934)

It’s so nice to have you down here with me at the bottom of the post. By the way, you never told anyone else you were coming down here, did you? I didn’t think so. I’m so glad, because I’d so hate to be interrupted. Now I have you all to myself. And now that I have you . . .

Miami Connection is a film like no other. Rarely does Luka say, “You must see this movie!” Considering the films she usually reviews, that would make her a cruel taskmaster and the lowest form of scum. But this film is worth the watch, so we’re hoping you’ll use this link to go to Drafthouse Films and either rent or buy it. Do it for Jim.

We have no excuse. We geeked out hard on Miami Connection. Can you blame us? Just feast on the pure 80’s goodness of it all.
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Y.K. Kim is Luka’s new heart-throb. Just watch how he de-escalates a volatile situation with very little English and stiff arm movements.

We also talked about the movie’s original, darker ending. “Peas! Don’t die, peas! You need to see your fahdor! Peas!” “Stop spitting in his face, dude, he’s dying!”

This is the song that made Skullard do a spit-take. How dare that other band accuse Dragon Sounds of doing kid’s music? Honesty! Loyalty! We’ll be together through thick and thin!

And finally, just because it makes us smile, please enjoy this great moment in labor relations.

Behold, here be Skullard’s adolescence in all of it’s prime-time network glory. It’s tough when your fondest television memories turn out to be a bucket of suck.

Wizards and Warriors wasn’t completely without visual merit. We could watch this lady walk down stairs all day. “Dirk, is your armor puffy or are you just happy to see me?”

What would you do if two playful bear cubs came gallumping into your campground? Why, you’d probably feed them bacon, of course. Using yummy, aromatic meat treats to positively reinforce the behavior of bears returning to human territories could never cause a lick of trouble in the future, right? What Could Go Wrong, indeed! Fortunately all of the resulting bloodshed and carnage occurred in the now forbidden First Edition of Black Bear Twins (1952).

In case you missed it, the world ended again. Wednesday, October 7 was not only $6 Bang Bang Shrimp at Bonefish Grill, but also the annihilation of the world by fire. “Why fire?”, you may ask, and yes you may ask it because you’re alive right now and not a smoldering pile of cinders which in normal circumstances has a hard time pronouncing relevant questions. According the Chris McCann of eBible Fellowship (not a church, mind you, because churches don’t allow uncapitalized “e”s; the letter “e” is always upper case for words like Evangelical, Evil and “Every single time we get this shit wrong”) it is simply fire’s turn to destroy us.

“God destroyed the first Earth with water, by a flood, in the days of Noah. And he says he’ll not do that again, not by water. But he does say in 2nd Peter 3 that he’ll destroy it by fire.”

So that’s fair. Mr. McCann then goes on to say that this destruction of the universe by a benevolent God is occurring exactly 1,600 days after the “Judgement Day” of May 11, 2011 predicted by radio prophet and all-around dead guy Harold Camping. Considering they based the prediction of the world’s destruction on a New Testament verse and the rantings of a guy who got doomsday wrong twice, it really is a wonder we’re not so much sizzling meat right now. Of course, they may just have counted the days wrong, because “with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” (2 Peter 3:8) If we didn’t know better, we might think that the bible, “e” or otherwise, “contains some things that are hard to understand, which ignorant and unstable people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction.” (2 Peter 3:16) You see, this is the problem when people cherry-pick bible verses to make prophesies: they don’t read the whole paragraph, misunderstand the context, and end up looking stupid yet again when they get everything wrong-wrong-wrong. But don’t give up on the scriptures, ladies and gentlemen. In fact, look at the third verse of that very same passage of 2 Peter:

” First of all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires.”

Isn’t that great? The bible predicted What Could Go Wrong?

Look, you can call it All Hallow’s Eve or Samhain or the Hershey Holiday for all we care. We all know the true meaning of Halloween.

It’s easy to loose your composure when faced with the horror of the giant hexapod. Hell, you should see Skullard’s turbo boost of adrenaline kick in when any spider larger than a lentil crawls more than three inches toward him. But any man of science is going to flip his shit when being swarmed by Arachnopeople and huge spider-puppets once they get stuck on The Mesa of Lost Women. They’re lost, by the way, because they’re born without souls, but those souls could simply be hidden somewhere down in their cleavage. You’d better look and see. Tarantulla doesn’t spend half of the Dance of Destruction rolling on the floor just to wipe up last night’s cerveza with her dress, but to give you the best possible angle to look for her soul. And don’t miss Mary Hill, the Scarlett Johansson of the 1950’s, suck face with Capt. Sexy just yards away from her sleeping Sugar Daddy fiance. Casual post-war cuckolding anyone? Throw in creepy dwarfs, escaped mental patients and cartoonish racism under the hot Mexican sun and this movie has everything a mad scientist needs for a full night of entertainment.

There was a brief reference to the show Love American Style this week, which is more than enough excuse to post a YouTube clip. Get ready for the earworm to be implanted.

Maybe Haley Fox was simply more comfortable with an online relationship than a face-to-face one. Or maybe it was a new aluminum bat and she just couldn’t wait until desert to try it out. Either way, her boyfriend probably wishes he’d stayed in Alabama where decent women don’t make you move all the way across the county just to bludgeon you.

Here’s an early news story of the pee-reflective paint they are using in some areas of San Francisco. Despite the eloquent expressions of doubt expressed at the end of this clip, the program has been so successful that the city has since doubled the number of walls with the bounce-back, piss-off paint.

If you didn’t get enough Spanish guitar in this week’s bad movie, One Lousy Second (1980) uses the instrument to its greatest mournful effect. This piece of cinema verite captures not only the voluminous feathered hair and knit fashions that made the early 80’s a flashpoint of cultural mediocrity, but also showcases the mundane verbal tripe that passes for acceptable conversation to this very day. The dialogue is so real, so incredibly non-gripping, that when the film reaches its lethal, freeze-framed climax, you’re glad so many people are dead and mercifully silenced. Good lawd, shut these people up!

It’s a wonderful treat, goody, indulgence or delectable for your entire family, clan, folks, house, kindred, tribe or brood. And don’t forget to try other Pillsbury brand products like our cookies and biscuits that are two totally different things!

Sadly, the story of Cousin Tom’s employment troubles isn’t unique at all. We didn’t have to search 30 seconds to find a cartoon that matched the situation (almost) perfectly. We didn’t even have to change the name.

This is a bit like working with Skullard’s dad on his computer or iPad problems, except that with him it’s over the phone and Lily Tomlin is much faster on the uptake.

And once that “professional” number is called, here’s what you get.

Zindy the Swamp Boy is a horrific excuse for a family movie. And yet, that’s exactly how it’s marketed, even getting bundled alongside other movies like Frasier the Lovable Lion, Mule Feathers and George!, films that blur the line between family viewing and domestic abuse. Please don’t worry that Luka might subject you to a review of Mule Feathers, the story of a traveling preacher and his talking mule voiced by Don Knotts. She’ll stick to stories of old people dying in quicksand and young children being mauled by viscous animals . . . heartwarming family fun.

Behold the 7-Eleven “Date Night” pack, redefining both convenience and romance in one sad package. You can tip the delivery guy with the money you saved by not buying flowers. Or doing laundry. Or toothpaste, we’re guessing. Actually, now that we’re looking at this again, all that’s missing is a pair of nylons and this goes from a “Date Night” pack to a “Exploit a Woman Living In a Warzone” pack.

Strap on your nose-bag and get ready to chow down on some top notch vittles: PEAS! They’re busting their buttons with freshness! Find out what makes Mrs. Housewife climax at the end of her day (seriously) in The Pick of the Pod (1939).

This week’s episode suffered from podcastus interruptus when our undead landlord showed up to examine our sink. It’s hard to make jokes about sperm donation when the cologne of the world’s biggest boner-killer still lingers in your kitchen. This was the reason one of your hosts cracked open a root beer in the middle of recording. You just thought he was thirsty? We have water for that, though now we have to fetch it from the sink in the bathroom. No, the reason we drink root beer in this tower of woe is for its calming effect and many health benefits. We’re willing to bet you have no idea what’s in you root beer and how this Nectar of the Gods can improve your life. All this stuff is in there:

* vanilla: stimulates the central nervous system and smells like your mom
* licorice root: contains glycyrrhizin, which helps with coughs, bronchitis, ulcers, constipation, adrenal insufficiency and your mom
* sarsaparilla root: helps with hives, sinusitis, PMS and menopause, which your mom is going through
* sassafrass root: for nail problems, rheumatism, gout, skin problems and lisps
* nutmeg: aids digestion in low doses (poisonous in higher doses, but if you get it just right, it can get rid of an unwanted pregnancy so GOOOOOOOOOONUTMEG!)
* anise: expectorant (as you would expectorant)
* wintergreen: externally, for relief of inflammation and pain; also internally (contains salicylates as in aspirin), breath freshener, anti-mucus (as we all are, fucking mucus!)
* cinnamon: lowers blood sugar, freshens breath, makes for good YouTube stunts
* clove: analgesic qualities (oil of clove is used to soothe tooth and gum pain and cheaper than proper professional dental care)
* balsam: expectorant, antiseptic, analgesic qualities; good for relief of coughing, gagging and other natural responses to smelling your landlord
* cassia: helps with digestive disorders such as constipation, indigestion and butterflies
* cherry bark: good for cough relief (often used in commercial cough syrups without your knowledge – Ha ha, you sucker!)
* fenugreek: helps digestion; also for bronchitis relief (currently the only Greek thing working right now)
* St. John’s Wort: recognized widely and used for mild depression brought on by your mom

Oh, you boys. Will and Hannibal sitting in a tree . . . K-I-L-L-I-N-G. How we will miss watching such a sweet and touching relationship blossom.

Wendy and Jamie are magnetic young children that attract iffy grown-ups like iron filings. Every molester in town wants a piece of these kids. At one point, even Jared Fogel offers them a sandwich. But luckily they have a spooky teacher whose hollow voice rings through their minds in times of crisis and later leads them to draw creepy pictures. How do you say no to a twisted psycho-drama like Say No To Strangers (1963)?