Husband wants to repeat dysfunctional family traditions :(

My husband is absolutely amazing. He is stable, responsible, supportive, and my best friend. His family however is a different story. His father is the worst alcoholic I have ever heard of. His mom is a ridiculous enabler. And his sibblings are all struggling too.

His oldest brother just got out of rehab and is facing trials for his 3rd and 4th DUI. His younger brother is in prison for vehicular homicide, while drinking. And his little sister got pregnant at 15 and is now spending most evenings drunk at his mother's house with my sister in law. It's really bad...

My problem is, although my husband is wonderful, as you can imagine his childhood wasn't. And he doesn't seem to understand how screwed up it was. He has fond memories of things like playing with Crown Royal bags, and he sees nothing wrong our kids doing it.

He says that these things didn't turn his siblings into alcoholics, but I don't think it helped. And I'm certaintly not letting my 12 year old daughter carry a Crown Bag as a purse, like his sister did. I find I'm always walking the line between being mean and accusatory of his family, and trying to get him to see that several bad choices were made that led to their issues.

Sorry this is so long. My husband is wonderful to me. Maybe I'm over reacting. If you know of a better way to handle this, please advise.

My husband is absolutely amazing. He is stable, responsible, supportive, and my best friend. His family however is a different story. His father is the worst alcoholic I have ever heard of. His mom is a ridiculous enabler. And his sibblings are all struggling too.

His oldest brother just got out of rehab and is facing trials for his 3rd and 4th DUI. His younger brother is in prison for vehicular homicide, while drinking. And his little sister got pregnant at 15 and is now spending most evenings drunk at his mother's house with my sister in law. It's really bad...

My problem is, although my husband is wonderful, as you can imagine his childhood wasn't. And he doesn't seem to understand how screwed up it was. He has fond memories of things like playing with Crown Royal bags, and he sees nothing wrong our kids doing it.

He says that these things didn't turn his siblings into alcoholics, but I don't think it helped. And I'm certaintly not letting my 12 year old daughter carry a Crown Bag as a purse, like his sister did. I find I'm always walking the line between being mean and accusatory of his family, and trying to get him to see that several bad choices were made that led to their issues.

Sorry this is so long. My husband is wonderful to me. Maybe I'm over reacting. If you know of a better way to handle this, please advise.

I completely see where you are coming from...but from his side. Â I come from theÂ dysfunction. Â It took my dh many many years for me to see that a lot of the things we went through, did, and do is not normal to most families. Â I ended up in therapy for a couple years and had no contact with my parents for those two years. Â I see things way different now.

It's a similar situation. Â My step dad is the abusive alcoholic, my mom the enabler, my step brother in and out of prison for dui, my sister alcoholic and doesn't know why she can't keep a guy around, my little brother has a lot of issues but I did my best to raise him myself when I lived there and he at least has a great job, two kids...but his fiance is always coming and going. Â He too went through and rough partying stage. Â I can remember our parents doing drugs.Â

It took someone from the outside..the therapist to get through to me that the things I went through are not normal and it's not an everyday occurance in most households.

Will he see a therapist?

I completely see where you are coming from...but from his side. Â I come from theÂ dysfunction. Â It took my dh many many years for me to see that a lot of the things we went through, did, and do is not normal to most families. Â I ended up in therapy for a couple years and had no contact with my parents for those two years. Â I see things way different now.

It's a similar situation. Â My step dad is the abusive alcoholic, my mom the enabler, my step brother in and out of prison for dui, my sister alcoholic and doesn't know why she can't keep a guy around, my little brother has a lot of issues but I did my best to raise him myself when I lived there and he at least has a great job, two kids...but his fiance is always coming and going. Â He too went through and rough partying stage. Â I can remember our parents doing drugs.Â

It took someone from the outside..the therapist to get through to me that the things I went through are not normal and it's not an everyday occurance in most households.

I hope one day he'll talk with someone, but I know he isn't ready now. I'm not even interested in him dealing with this so much, as his pent up issues with his father. He lived with him for a few years after his parents divorced, and he won't even talk about it. And I know one day he will need to. I love him and it's hard to watch him carry that pain.

But I don't want to come off as always putting his family down. I don't want to make him feel like he has to take my side or theirs. My family sucks too, but I wouldn't want him to say bad things about them. I probably should keep my mouth shut, but every time something new happens with them, I just go into Momma Bear mode, and I feel like I need him to say how nuts they are, so I know my kids will be safe.

Maybe I should see a therapist. lol.

I hope one day he'll talk with someone, but I know he isn't ready now. I'm not even interested in him dealing with this so much, as his pent up issues with his father. He lived with him for a few years after his parents divorced, and he won't even talk about it. And I know one day he will need to. I love him and it's hard to watch him carry that pain.

But I don't want to come off as always putting his family down. I don't want to make him feel like he has to take my side or theirs. My family sucks too, but I wouldn't want him to say bad things about them. I probably should keep my mouth shut, but every time something new happens with them, I just go into Momma Bear mode, and I feel like I need him to say how nuts they are, so I know my kids will be safe.

Probably a silly question but instead of having it the way your family did it or the way his family did it. Would it be easier to convince him of starting your own family traditions? So instead of a crown royal bag maybe a coin purse that looks similar without the logo while she's young. It's not telling him the things he thinks are normal isn't but putting a different twist on those things.

Probably a silly question but instead of having it the way your family did it or the way his family did it. Would it be easier to convince him of starting your own family traditions? So instead of a crown royal bag maybe a coin purse that looks similar without the logo while she's young. It's not telling him the things he thinks are normal isn't but putting a different twist on those things.

I don't think you are overreacting. It sounds like his childhood did normalize drinking and make it something that was ok and even expected to do. My husbands family is similar (without the vehicular homicide and teen pregnancy, thank goodness) and he is now coming to realize how distructive this type of thinking can be. I do not blame you at all for not wanting your children around this and I would put my foot down. Can they come and see you at your house where you can control the amount of alcohol, etc?

I don't think you are overreacting. It sounds like his childhood did normalize drinking and make it something that was ok and even expected to do. My husbands family is similar (without the vehicular homicide and teen pregnancy, thank goodness) and he is now coming to realize how distructive this type of thinking can be. I do not blame you at all for not wanting your children around this and I would put my foot down. Can they come and see you at your house where you can control the amount of alcohol, etc?

My dh's family is the same way. Drinking is such a part of his family culture. His parents are great but will sit and drink a bottle of vodka in one night. His brother gets drunk every night. He has an uncle who is in the hospital because the alcohol ate his brain. And he also has other uncles who could be considered alcoholics. I think with this kind of family history, it is extra important to be careful about what my son is around because I do not want him following the same pattern. My husband was going down a bad path too with the alcohol (getting drunk every night) and I told him I did not want him drinking around me anymore. If he wants to go out with his friends, etc, that is fine, but I do not want him coming home. He can stay out and come back when he is sober. I do not want to tell him what he can and can't do, but I will tell him what I want my son and myself around.Â

My dh's family is the same way. Drinking is such a part of his family culture. His parents are great but will sit and drink a bottle of vodka in one night. His brother gets drunk every night. He has an uncle who is in the hospital because the alcohol ate his brain. And he also has other uncles who could be considered alcoholics. I think with this kind of family history, it is extra important to be careful about what my son is around because I do not want him following the same pattern. My husband was going down a bad path too with the alcohol (getting drunk every night) and I told him I did not want him drinking around me anymore. If he wants to go out with his friends, etc, that is fine, but I do not want him coming home. He can stay out and come back when he is sober. I do not want to tell him what he can and can't do, but I will tell him what I want my son and myself around.Â

My hubby did not have a good childhood either, so I get that. He does however, realize it so we do not want to do anything that he did when he was little. Take a play from our book, we are starting all new traditions. Everything we do especially this time of year is about starting new traditions for our family. Maybe tell him well that's great, but wouldn't it be nice to start new traditions with our family? Something like that. Then you are not bashing his family, but getting away from the things that you do not like at the same time. Plus it really will be fun to come up with new traditions for you and your growing family that are just yours.

My hubby did not have a good childhood either, so I get that. He does however, realize it so we do not want to do anything that he did when he was little. Take a play from our book, we are starting all new traditions. Everything we do especially this time of year is about starting new traditions for our family. Maybe tell him well that's great, but wouldn't it be nice to start new traditions with our family? Something like that. Then you are not bashing his family, but getting away from the things that you do not like at the same time. Plus it really will be fun to come up with new traditions for you and your growing family that are just yours.

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