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Saturday, 17 March 2012

Battle Of The Sexes 2

I was so glad when I got so many messages and feed back from the
last article "Battle of the sexes". So by popular demand I am doing a
conclusion to that.

One of the first things we need to know is that, men are not the
way they are because they just want to drive women crazy. They have been
trained from childhood to be a certain way. This makes it difficult for them to
be as intimate as you want them to be.

Parents of newborn male
babies tend to describe their sons as firmer, larger more alert and stronger
etc. Parents of new born female babies describe their daughters as adorable,
softer, smaller, prettier and more delicate.

They tend to place more demands on little boys , expecting them to
be more responsible and take more risks. Boys are pushed to be independent
earlier and faster. Parents offer less comfort to boys than girls when the
child is frightened or injured, and they give boys greater freedom at an
earlier age. Boys are encouraged to control their emotions and are told that it
is not manly to feel strong emotions. Not only are those emotions considered
"weak" such as fear or sadness, but even passion and intense
love. Boys are taught that only a narrow range of emotions can be expressed to
show their masculine strengths and authority like being competitive,
aggressive, angry, defensive, and feelings associated with being in control. As
they grow older sexual feelings are added to the list. Weakness, fear,
vulnerability, tenderness, compassion and sensuality are allowed only to the
Girls and women, so that a boy who exhibits such traits is likely to be
made fun of and called a "wimp".

We are in constant battle
between the way men have been taught and the way women want or ask them to be
e.g men are taught to be defensive and suspicious, hide their emotions, strong
and unconquerable, stay in control but women want them to be trusting and open,
show their emotions, express their vulnerability, master the inner world and
express intense romance. So you see that most of the major problems are as a
result of women telling men that the characteristics they have worked hard to
cultivate all their lives are the very ones that drive women crazy and turn
them off. And the characteristics they really want to see the men develop are
the ones they have been taught to see as "weak" and
"feminine". When you think about this, it becomes easier for women to
understand why men seem to resist anything that will make them feel they are
not in control.

I can assure you that most times men actually want to open up, to
learn to feel deeply and express those feelings to the women they love. But to
them the process is a bit difficult because of the way most of them grew up.

1. The men in your life need all of the compassion, patience and
support you can find in your heart, to help them open theirs.

2. Part of improving your relationship with a man, whether it's
your husband, boss, father or brother etc it is not just understanding his
behaviour but also taking an honest look at your own behaviour as well.

3. Believe it or not, you may be bringing out the worst in the man
you love by the way you behave around them.

4. He needs a wife and a lover, not a mother, so stop treating him
like a kid who does not have brains.

5. Don't scold or correct him in public

6. Even when he is wrong, talk to him nicely but at the same time
make him believe it was his bright idea that solved the equation, a confident
man will not be afraid to admit that his woman is intelligent.

7. Stop acting over helpful by doing things that men would
naturally rather do by themselves.

8. Stop thinking you will become indispensable when you make the
man depend on you.

9. My mother will kill me for this but i think pet names or
abbreviations are better from my point of view than calling your husband
"daddy".

10. Mind your language especially when you are upset. You may
think men forget hurtful words easily. That is a huge lie, they remember
everything you say that is capable of damaging their ego and self esteem.

11. Do not use phrases like "I thought you were this but now
I know better", rather try saying "sometimes I am hurt when you say
this or do this, it worries me".

12. You cannot change a man who is set in his ways but your
attitude and the atmosphere you create around him can do the magic.

13. When he is going through a difficult time with work and his
abilities to accomplish, he will definitely not be in the right frame of mind
to focus his attention on relationship issues.

14. Even when you are having issues and arguments with your
husband, there are three things you should never deprive him of (food, shelter
and sex).

15. Your husband feels extremely rejected when you reject his
sexual advances, especially when there is no physical or spiritual
justification.

16. Men like their wives to also initiate sex, it makes them feel
wanted.

I sat down with some of my male friends as usual to get their
perspectives on different issues. Then I asked them what their major turn offs
in women were, and so i thought to share this with the women.

1. Unshaved under arms

2. Bad breath

3. Moustache

4. Constant bad hair days

5. Body odour

6. Flags

7. Chipped and peeling nail polish

8. Excessive clinging

9. Wearing tent dresses around the house

10. Nags

11. Loud mouths

12. Too much make up

Having said all these, there are basic things we can do to
understand and communicate with our Men better, so we can have better
relationships.

Men communicate best when they have focus for the conversation.
Due to the fact that they are goal oriented, they tend to feel most comfortable
operating within boundaries that they know about in advance. Your man would
like to know what the purpose of the discussion is and what you want from him.
This gives him the sense that he knows what he is doing when he is talking to
you.

Give him an agenda. Tell him exactly what you would like to talk
about, what you hope to accomplish and what you expect from him. For example,
instead of saying "honey I think we should talk about our
relationship" which will make him think there is something you want him to
figure out, try "honey, we have been together for this long and I think
it's great, but I really would like you to tell me what you think our strengths
and weaknesses are, and in what direction and pace you hope it will go".
This way you will make it seem like he is the one that will determine the
direction but you know that you have taken his attention to the area of the
conversation you want him to get to without fighting. Sometimes they get
frustrated with hints, be direct.

Another mistake women make including me, is thinking aloud and
expecting the man to react instantly to every thought and when they don't, we
start to feel neglected and accused of not being sensitive enough. We forget
sometimes that men are solution oriented; they internalize their thinking
process and communicate the end result. Sometimes when your partner is silent,
he is not ignoring you. His mind is probably processing the information you gave
him and he has to try to get in touch with his feelings. Also remember that men
don't really multi task as much as women do because they are just not built
that way.

Let him figure out how to
say "I am sorry and I love you" by himself, especially if you say
yours without expecting to hear it back all the time. Don't start
interrogating him as soon as he opens his mouth, give him time to find his way
and help hmm relax. Even if you don't agree with him, just let him know you
understand his point but you beg to differ so that he too can give you time to
lay your cards.

I am not saying you should walk on egg shells around him, I am
just saying try not to hurt his ego, just be sensitive towards his feelings
when communicating. After all no one forced you to choose and marry him, so
carry your cross the best way possible.

Prayer is also the biggest secret to a successful marriage.

Remember that these are just my thoughts and not rules you must
live by.

Stella's Quote of the day:Find a
man who wants to take full responsibility for fixing himself so that you don't
have to do it yourself.

7 comments:

Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Congrats for your work. If you wish to follow back that would be great I'm at http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.comThanks for sharing!

Hello Stella,Been reading your articles in PMNews, and I must confess, they are great. I'd love to share some stuff with you via email if you don't mind. My email address is mutehimself@yahoo.comThanks.

Hello Stella, first time here and I must add that it was really worth my while. I am so proud of you for three reasons-1. for being a strong woman who keeps going against all odds2. for being an Asaba woman (yes o, I am proudly an Asaba lady like you.)3. for giving hope to the hopeless and voice to the downtrodden in the society.

I love and appreciate you sis and it would be a great joy to finally meet you some day.

...most importantly, your husband is your partner, but he owns 51% of the shares at least...he is the boss! He'll love you more if he knows EVERYTHING you do with your money and your time....but....don't expect to know his or question it too much....REMEMBER....HE IS YOUR BOSS, OK?

About Me

Stella Damasus is a multi talented Actress, Singer, Speaker and Producer. Having over 100 films under her belt, she has worked with some of the greatest entertainers in Africa. Stella who is also a mother has been an actor for over two decades and is the Founder of the Stella Damasus Arts Foundation, ADIVA and is the Co-Founder of Index Two Studios, i2Radio and Mon Afrik TV