i ain't no ape soda man

The Lord Jesus Hates Dr Pepper And You Should Too

Hello, and welcome to yet another segment on people who have completely lost perspective! Today’s guests are “Christians mad at soda.”

It all started with an advertisement posted on Facebook Thursday afternoon. It was silly, as advertisements for bubbly sugar-water are wont to be, and depicted Dr Pepper turning a primate into a homo sapien with the power of its deliciousness — “the evolution of flavor.”

Did any you viewers home catch it? Did any of you catch the horrible thing?

You got it folks — Dr Pepper said “evolution.”

People got quite mad about this, you see, because evolution is obviously fake, and the people who are outraged over this attack on religious freedom have TAKEN TO THE INTERNET, because they cannot be bothered to get off their couches and storm an embassy.

Let’s get your opinions! Our first caller is Amy. Amy, how do you feel about Dr Pepper?

Thank you Amy! We shall file that under “If you like Dr Pepper you’re going to get hit by a truck driven by the Holy Ghost.” Who’s next? Shan, you’re on the air!

Good question, Shan! How can Dr Pepper promote evolution?

One could be inclined to think they aren’t, because that would be as silly as a chicken shack taking a stance on gay marriage. Is it possible they are trying to do something else, such as selling pepper soda?

Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of “concrete proof” for evolution but “Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt” requires no citation?

Shan?

…Shan?

OK, it appears Shan has disconnected. Next caller!

Sound logic, Clydell. Taking a moment to critically analyze evolution should clearly result in coming to the conclusion that it could only be true if God were a monkey. That is definitely the only conclusion to come to at this intellectual juncture, and I think we all learned a little something.

Let’s get one more viewer on the line. Ricky, you’re up!Hm. Well, let’s take one more, because Ricky appears to have had a stroke.

Sorry Joe, didn’t quite catch that. There seems to be some static on the line — all we could make out was “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU HOLY BOOK HOLY BOOK.”

Hey now! Barbarian is just another name for anyone not a member of the Roman Empire. These people are neanderthals. Wait, that means they might evolve, and clearly, their evolutionary tree has pretty much been pruned of anything that might grow. Briquettes. Charcoal briquettes. Because they are carbon-based, and apparently as mass-manufactured as their outraged.

How can we argue about something as petty as evolution when we should be worshiping together in the glory of God? ..Are apes capable of worshiping the one true God? No, we are the only perfect creation capable of free will that can serve God.”

It is such familiar talking-point phraseology to me. Where I come from, the TV preachers like Ben Haden and Chuck Stanley use the whole King-Jamesian-bowdlerized 'of creation' for "all the shit you see around you" ; and talk about being able to "worship teh Lord" like it was some kind of Magic, awe-inspiring trippy where you're high-fiving the archangelic host and reminisce about how unicorns were left behind when Noah set sail, etc.

Except their somnolent droning on these televised sermons — when I catch them every so often after many years' past exposure — *still* puts me to sleep. The fact such vernacular is a 'turn-on' to folks like Shan is proof enough of devolution for me: he/she is reverting to the reduced form of human thinking-potential, that's surely anathema to the same Gawd who put such expanded-conscious-capable, info-absorbent, resilient yet complex brains into His duper-humans' heads.

"Except their somnolent droning on these televised sermons — when I catch them every so often after many years' past exposure — *still* puts me to sleep"

Do they still do that thing with overpronouncing the syllables-uh, so that no word has less than three of them, not even Guh-aw-duh?

SnarkoMarx

These people can fool you sometimes by walking upright.

Terry

But not for long. That's why God invented Rascal scooters.

Texan_Bulldog

I bet those Geico cavemen commercials really confuse them.

LibertyLover

Some of them even use utensils to eat their food, too.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Reading facebook posts like this make me guilty because I think I have helped myself to more than my fair share of humor in the world and these people are forced to be insufferable assholes because of the humor shortage I have created.

thatsitfortheother1

Ah, but you see, xtians can get by with just the tiniest bit of humor in their lives. Nearly none, actually.

Grief_Lessons

Have you read The Divine Comedy? Hardly any yuks at all.

OneDollarJuana

A sense of humor requires a certain level of intelligence, and a certain awareness of the incongruity of life and of one's own beliefs. Religious zealots are clinging so tenaciously to their beliefs they need to shout out any contravening facts. They cannot recognize that any of their beliefs may be a bit silly and indefensible, because that means their whole system of beliefs will crumble. These are desperate people, cornered people, and we all know that the most dangerous animal is a cornered animal. Except for a hungry polar bear.

But there is the #1 Rmoney campaign slogan: “Through me you pass into the city of woe.

prommie

But you cannot use up the funny! There is an inexhaustible supply, just like with love and kindness. Half the problem with this world is too many people seem to think it costs something to be fucking nice to people, like they think they are gonna use it all up and have none left. Fuck that, be nice, smile at people, say they look pretty even if they don't, as Bluto said, "it don't cost nothin."

FakaktaSouth

You have GOT to get over this "worrying about weird looking people's feelings" thing. It is not really up to you to lie to all the strange-lings and make them feel better. Unless maybe that really is your calling, and you're the guardian angel for all of the unfortunately faced womens who don't get enough attention.
HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! Suddenly I am concerned.

prommie

Hey its an H.L. Mencken thing, Mencken redivivus, or so I have been told. What he said was: "If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl."

prommie

No thats not why I wink at you. I don't think I ever have winked at you.

the quality of snark is not strained; it falleth like the gentle craze from bachman.

PsycWench

Not at all, these people are providers of funny.

Beetagger

Jesus loves me like a cool, refreshing soda.

PuckStopsHere

Dr. Pepper isn't even in The Bible! Therefore it was not created by The Creator and therefore it does not exist. Duh, uh. No 'scuse me while I move to Saudi Arabia so I can beat my wife like a good Christian husband.

Terry

By all rights, they should be drinking lots and lots of wine, just like Jesus did.

MosesInvests

Oh, these idiots think that Jesus turned water into grape juice at that wedding in K'far Kanna.

Beowoof

Well I will be doing later this evening, sort of a form of worship. And the more wine I have the less I care about these guys, so its all good.

JackDempsey1

If I understand this correctly, this means Dr. Pepper is the Missing Drink.

BaldarTFlagass

Win.

thatsitfortheother1

Yep.

SoBeach

Ding ding ding! Winner!

sewollef

Wait, wait…. it's all very well, calling this a winner. But where's the fossil record to prove the drink exists?

Texan_Bulldog

Ha ha…I usually have one Dr. Pepper a day (for health….okay, the caffeine since I don't drink coffee), but today I think I'll have two.

And if the primate pisses them off, they should dust off some of those old David Naughton 'I'm a Pepper' commercials. Shudder….

GlowneyHouse

Or that movie where David Naughton goes to England and "evolves" into a werewolf. That ain't of God neither!

Texan_Bulldog

Am American Werewolf in London — interesting movie (of course I was only about 16 at the time so everything was interesting and you got to see his nekkid bum!)

YasserArraFeck

Jenny Agutter in the shower – mmmmmm

tessiee

It was one of those rare movies that succeeded at a difficult task — being scary AND funny.

thatsitfortheother1

"And if the primate pisses them off…"

I thought you meant the Bishop there.

OneDollarJuana

You should have three Dr. Peppers. Remember the old labels? 10, 2, and 4 were on there to remind you when to have one. And remember "hot" Dr. Pepper? They wanted you to actually heat it up on the stove for a changeup.

Iam_Who_Iam

My husband (and now my kids) like to drink hot Dr. Pepper with lemon when they are sick. I had never seen this before we got married and thought my husband was insane. So thanks for sharing that, it's good to know that his insanity is at least based on something external and not just a product of his own delusions.

No, scientists are not still debating the validity of this theory, no more than they are still debating whether the Earth is round or flat; concrete proof was established long ago, and evolution is proven fact, just because you are a moron who denies proven facts just because some stupid book contradicts the truth doesn't mean the rest of the world has to accommodate your willful ignorance.

freakishlywrong

I wish we could put them all inside a dome and let them live out their alternate reality without it infecting the rest of us.

Goonemeritus

If evolution exists how do you explain the Republican Party Mr. smartypants?

Your post helps to prove my theory that Wonketteers should be in charge of everything, esp. dealing with the xtians.

Willardbot9000_V2.5

Well since these morons apparently think Christendom (or in their case, Christendumb) is desirable it makes sense their brains would still be in a Dark Age. The funniest thing is evolution does not take a stance on god, and I do love their arguments. The jury is out on evolution, meanwhile the existence of God is proven because um, uh..um, uh….movies? yes, movies! Like the end of the original War of the Worlds when everyone prays in the church the aliens just leave…uh huh, take that, SCIENCE! Evolution is one of the most widely proved sciences that exists so therefore it's bullshit. But remember this is the same crowd who reads about a hate crime against black people and immediately decides the victims made up the crimes themselves. They are the common clay of the West…ya know, morons.

Willardbot9000_V2.5

These also are the same people who maintain with all their might that Dubya found WMD's in Iraq and that war was justified. Even getting beyond the religious stupidity you find a whole bouque of other mongoloid brain scars. Looking at their entire world of stupid it makes sense they'd get incensed at a stupid soda ad that's entire function is to SELL SODA.

Now they've done it! Ben Stein and Glenn Beck egged on the Christianist hordes into hysterically violent protests, and Dr. Pepper Snapple Group headquarters in Plano Texas was just destroyed with a rocket launcher attack!

thatsitfortheother1

As long as it's Texas, I'm OK with it.

FakaktaSouth

That is the funniest thing, that it is such a Texan institution and yet, here these people are, shitting on one of the only things we make in this country anymore. Since I already went and admitted my SGT PEPPER Movie guilt to you, I won't talk about HOW FREAKING MUCH of this kidney rot I drink, but, OH MY GOD I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH AND I HAVE ONLY HAD ABOUT 24 OZ OF SUCH SO FAR. WHAT WHAT? AM I YELLING??? SORRY! SORRY! OKAY, I'M GONNA GO JAM OUT NOW…JAAAACK WHERE ARE YOUUUU

Diet Barq's with a quarter of a real lime is my patent medicine of choice. It cures gout, shingles, polio, acne, palsy of the male appendage, and dysPepsi.

prommie

Ha! This is hilarious, I knew you'd be rising to this bait!

FakaktaSouth

HEY! It's better for you than martinis all the time. Or probably not. At least there you get some sort of vegetable I guess. Okay whatever, lets just go drinking.

prommie

Oh and hey, my doctor tells me the martinis are way better for me than beer, so, ha, doctors orders is why. Probably as you say, with that olive in there its a complete balanced meal.

prommie

You know I just kid you about hating on jack, but there is one thing I do not like about that boy, and that is that half his songs are about beating on women. "Your Southern Can Is Mine" is downright disturbing.

FakaktaSouth

What the hell is wrong with you? That song is hilarious and sometimes you say stuff to show how stupid it is AND IT IS ANOTHER COVER. 1931. It is just how thangs were, ya know? Plus, who wouldn't wanna own a really great ass from down here? Its worked out all right for this girl.

prommie

I would never call it "owning."

FakaktaSouth

Dude, I'm taking about ME AND OWNING MY OWN ASS. I like it just fine back there, helping me out day to day. It comes in handy in all kinds of ways.

prommie

Chica, just sayin' that especially when it comes to the very best things in life, and maybe thats why they are the best things, its just true that something can be yours, but that does not mean you own it.

Huh?? I've got everything he's made, and that's the only song that could be interpreted that way that I know of. I guess all the girls in the girl band he's doing half of his tour with have Stockholm Syndrome.

I love this "no proof of evolution," particularly as the proof of evolution is more complete than the proof of the theories of electricity and electromagnetism, yet these asshats are posting on a website.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Yeah, but its not concrete proof like the proof of Adam and Eve, and the proof of Moses and the Red Sea and the proof of Noah and the flood … etc.

It worked for Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek, and Brendan Fraser. Helped them survive a nuclear war!

Steverino247

Black tie.

LibertyLover

"Eff me" pumps?

sudsmckenzie

Elvis White Jump Suit.

JerkCade

Avoid the blue dress as the devil will be wearing that himself.

tessiee

Totally awesome song.
There used to be a DJ named Dan Ingram on a NY area radio station who was actually witty. He cued up this record, and said, "Shame on you. You should wear a suit and tie like the other devils."

JerkCade

I remember Dan Ingram. I used to work in the CBS building ;-)

tessiee

Not gasoline longjohns.

tessiee

I don't know, but I suspect it includes a purple suit, broad-brimmed hat with a feather, and platform shoes.

2) I've never tried Dr. Pepper with Mont Gaye, but if I should try, would I still use plenty of lime?

Dr., Dr., tell me, please…..

One_who_wanders

One time back in college after being dumped I could find nothing to mix with Jack Daniels (for some serious getting bombed) but Dr. Pepper. It worked. I was torn between calling it Jack Pepper or Dr. Daniels, though it probably is notable that I haven't done it since.

tessiee

"I was torn between calling it Jack Pepper or Dr. Daniels"

One of the columnists on Cracked.com wrote an article about how he combined Pepto Bismol and Scotch, and named it "Potch".

I will rate for DP & Bacardi 151. Mix it right & you'll be dancing on the tables before you crash & burn.

TheGyrus

Dr. Pepper learns that trolling Christians is a great way to drum up publicity.

DullardMRomney

We all know that Jesus is real and Dr. Pepper never even finished medical school.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Dr. Pepper is one of those elitists with too much education. I don't trust anyone with over a 4th grade education.

UW8316154

Fuckin' doctors! They think they know everything.

Mojopo

I did a quick search to find out what The Scientists are still debating (to please their dark master):

1) Mostly they're just debating stuff to waste money. They've created these jobs for themselves and they're getting super rich from government hand-outs.
2) Climate change is one of their favorite inventions. They thought this one would really stick it to oil companies and make them feel bad, and Bzzzzzt! Wrong answer. Everybody knows you can't make oil barons feel bad about anything. Dah!
3) …and when they're not debating, Scientists are farming human babies here in Obama Nation, by abortion, to harvest their body parts.

Science is bad for us! Now if you will please excuse me, I'm going to have Jesus's favorite – Coca-Cola. Every bottle has five pounds of pure, naturally occurring corn syrup and enough caffeine to carrying everyone to the brink of a stroke. As God intended.

Wingnuts claim the evolution is only a theory which, according to them, puts it on the same level as my "theory" that the Detroit Tigers won't make the post-season this year.

This is why idiots should stick to words of one syllable or fewer since a scientific theory is a In science, a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world that can incorporate facts, laws, inferences, and tested hypotheses. It isn't a hunch, a wild-ass guess or a feeling.

This is where they cock their heads and look at you in abject confusion like a baffled Bichon Frisé.

rocktonsam

so Jesus isn't a Pepper too?

Poindexter718

Dr. Pepper should instead be honoring its Waco, Texas heritage in its ads. Perhaps show W choppin' mesquite and then cooling off with a cold Pepper?
Or maybe ATF agents enjoying a cold one after a long day of besieging heretics in their compound??

Instead of pussyfooting with Facebook these Creationists should grow a pair and storm Dr. Pepper with rocket propelled granades or something. At least capture "Dr. Pepper" and hold him hostage.

1. Hard to perform attacks if one is morbidly obese.

2. Hard to perform attacks if one is cowardly. It took a good 5-6 teabaggers to stomp a 100 pound or less woman at that Rand Paul event.

thatsitfortheother1

Much like Jeebus, you either like Dr Pepper or think it sucks.

Peckerwood_Pete

I hate Dr. Pepper because I never got my free soda when Guns N Roses released that piece of shit "Chinese Democracy" in 2008. That's like the only reason I bought it. And on vinyl at that!

BaldarTFlagass

And what was up with that horrible album cover? Christ, in the 12 years it took for Axl to release that album, I could have fucking knit something that looked better, and I don't even know how to knit.

Peckerwood_Pete

I could have rubbed feces on a piece of plywood and made a better album cover than that…. ha, can't wait for the follow up album… coming in …. 2045?

tessiee

"And what was up with that horrible album cover?"

What's not to like about a closeup picture of spaghetti?
*Googles image*
Oh. I see.

Wow. Soda advertising now has more of a factual basis than biology textbooks in Kansas. That's sort of the opposite of that word that implies a progressive development embodied in certain traits reflecting greater intellectual aptitude…what's the word for that again? Let me check that Kansas textbook. Oh, yeah: "magic".

Have these reactionaries even considered the possibility that the Dr. Pepper in the advertisement might represent the Godhead? or the blood of Jebus?

new_pic_for_NEWTer

I believe that I may be able to create a bagger-mind-blowing cognitive dissonance. I'll attempt this by conflating something that is bagger-loved – Elvis, with something that is bagger-hated – evolution. Best of all it's just a Google, copy and paste away:

Everybody in outer space looks like Elvis.
Cause Elvis is a perfect being.
We are all moving in perfect peace and harmony towards Elvisness

Soon all will become Elvis.
Everything everywhere will be Elvis.
Why do you think they call it evolution anyway?
It's really Elvislution!
Elvislution!

Mr Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper ladies and gentlemen

DCBloom

OMG, I love that. Hadn't heard it in years. Thanks for the reminder. Mojo knows what's up!

BaldarTFlagass

Hello! Yoo-hooo! Shan Ahmad! Your blathering about Jesus isn't going to fool any of your friends, they know you are a Muslim, and secretly hate you! It's all in the name!!

Evolution is false because if we descended from apes then God would be an ape. And everyone knows that God is an old white man with white robes, a white beard, and long flowing white hair. And blue eyes, if you look close.

Actually, having God be a monkey makes a lot of sense, and explains a great deal.

OneDollarJuana

It apparently is no coincidence that Dr. Pepper is as much a real doctor as most evangelists that call themselves "Doctor".

KeepFnThatChicken

If it weren't for the fact that I'm 43, I would buy the fuck out of some Dr. Pepper right now.

ttommyunger

Now this is a conundrum: which is more distasteful, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper or 99.999% of Church Folk? I say fuck all three. I say this as a daily Bible-Reading unchurched christian. Not better than anyone, worse than most people.

HistoriCat

If I make it to your age Tommy, I hope to be at least half the man you are.

ttommyunger

You are indeed too kind. Thank you.Sent from my iPhone

tessiee

Q: Now this is a conundrum: which is more distasteful, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper or 99.999% of Church Folk?
A: Pepsi.

ttommyunger

Wow! You really hate Pepsi.Sent from my iPhone

102415

Pepsi is awful. I would rather drink spit.

ttommyunger

I haven't had a carbonated beverage in 20+ years, so what would I know?Sent from my iPhone

sudsmckenzie

Ironically, you kinda need an opposable thumb to open the can.

Neoyorquino

I am a Christian, and I too hate Dr. Pepper. But only because it tastes like carbonated prune juice.

Pat_Pending

WOW. I remember saying that back when I was seven! Carbonated prune juice!

metamarcisf

Personally, I see nothing intrinsically wrong with DP.

bobbert

ISWYDT

iTuna

Dr Pepper originated here in Waco. I'll keep an eye out this weekend to see if anyone's protesting at the museum or old bottling plant.

If humans evolved from monkeys, why do monkeys still drink Dr. Pepper?

Lazy Media

The TRUE outrage should come from paleontologists. Everyone knows that the earliest humanoid primates walked erect just as we do, despite their ape-sized brains. That hunched-over figure in the middle is a LIE and an ABOMINATION against SCIENCE!!!1!11!!

glamourdammerung

So we are watching the Republicans whine about how everyone needs to be "politically correct" AGAIN?

Umm, no, shit-for-brains. We share a common ancestor with apes. Just as you share a common ancestor with me. I just had better ancestors in between.

eggsacklywright

I suggest we consult a real doctor about this. How about Dr. Benway?

tessiee

Q. What's Dr. Benway?
A. Oh, about 170 pounds.

finette_

Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt

You take that back! God made Adam in his image, but Eve was made from leftover Adam and has been nothing but trouble ever since.

LibertyLover

No one has EVER seen Dr Pepper. No one has EVER met Dr Pepper. There is no proof that he exists, and yet people still believe in him; and yet, he creates this sugary sweet soda in his own image. Some people have a cult-like worship of him and call themselves "Peppers" — even going so far as to dance in the streets and wear T-shirts praising his name. It's very clear to me now.

Dr Pepper is God.

clairedammit

I had to go find Clydell on Facebook – yep, she's from Texas. Why am I surrounded by people like this? WHY? Oh, yeah, I live in Texas.

LibrarianX

"That is the theory that I have, and which is mine, and what it is too."
~ Anne Elk

It's okay. Someone on their Facebook thread posted a fixed version of the ad for those with delicate sensibilities: http://i.imgur.com/PgIgI.jpg

Pat_Pending

These are the Mountain Dew people.

barto

"you may be forgiven or not"

Hedging our bets a little there, are we, Amy?

owhatever

Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor!! God created man (Adam), and only later decided to create woman (a decision he still wonders about) making them from dust bunnies he found beneath his God bed.

thefrontpage

According to an article in this month's issue of Evolution Today, published by The Heritage Foundation, recent scientific studies of early humans from 2 million years ago–obvious evolutionary descendents of current human–show that early cavemen, as well as other similar prehistoric, barbaric early-human evolutionary types, regularly drank a sugary drink made from various herbs, spices, plants, sugar, salt and "other flavors" that was very similar to today's Dr. Pepper. "We think that this very early sugary drink that was consumed regularly by early prehistoric humans was an early, evolutionary type of drink very similar to today's Dr. Pepper," said Wittherton Monfinoilexon IV, the executive director of progressive evolutionary studies at The Heritage Foundation. "This finding shows that early man clearly evolved into today's man, and that sugary drinks evolved with him."

tessiee

"Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of “concrete proof” for evolution but “Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt” requires no citation?"

"Things don't exist just because you believe in them! Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!" — Prof. Banjo, "Futurama"

tessiee

Ha ha! Wait till all the creationists find out that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has an even worse hell for people who don't believe in evolution. It's a lot like regular hell, only more humid, and also, you have a really bad stomach-ache the whole time.
Because that counts as evidence, right?

Just wait until these people read the title of C.S. Lewis' "The God in the Duck*." The outrage, comparing god to a witch! Although, considering this would require them to read more than T.V. Guide and Highlights, perhaps this is one moment of outrage that will never be achieved.

*Yes, yes, I know it is dock, not duck. But I first saw it on my ex-wife's bookshelf twenty-something years ago, and misread the title (repeatedly, for a year or so until I finally opened the book), and since then have considered the idea of God in a duck much more interesting than God in a dock.

I think insane Anglo warlord Ronnie Raygun really didn't know what he was doing when he enlisted the "Christian right" as useful idiots, and gave them a voice in government and public discourse. He might as well have dumped a barrel of Stupid Pills into the water supply.
Of course, he didn't know what he was doing most of the time.

Ok, I went and liked the page as well as tossing in a bit of necessary blasphemy in the comments section over on Facebook. Enjoy.

ChickTract_Fil_A

I honestly can't get past half of Shan's post without trailing off. Is it the demons inside me?

MonkeyHamlet

How pathologically lonely are facebook users who think a commercial product is their “friend?” (Or is it that under Obamacare, Dr. Pepper is their primary care provider?) Do they also think that Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben are their real aunt and uncle?

azeyote

funniest read in a month – although it really missed the real point that we come from ancient aliens – everyone who's anyone knows that. who makes the colas for that – oh man i forgort the colas on the gange i was smokin – sorry stoned again.

TribecaMike

It is nothing less than a national tragedy that Amy Lilith Gardener wasn't clever enough to end her post with a "Depends" pun.

Sassomatic

Pfft. I bet this "Doctor" Pepper doesn't even have a real science degree.

badgitator

I'm an old atheist, and I'm at least as real as Amy, who apparently joined facebook last Thursday specifically to post a comment on the Dr. Pepper page, which is totally something a sock puppet would not do.

usuhname

I really feel like a can of dr pepper after all this hilarity. DAMN YOU MARKETING / NUTTY THEISM!