Wednesday, January 03, 2007

You Can Take the Alsatian Out Of Alsace, But You Can't Take the Labradoodle out of ... um ...

I was banging away at a transcript of a radio interview the other day, some idiotic radio item from Perth, where a couple of old gits were moaning about the RSPCA, or some such. Anyway, one of the presenters all of a sudden went off on a bizarre tangent of his own. They had previously been talking about Poodles and Labradors, and all of a sudden, the presenter started pulling names out of his hat: "Labradoodles!" he shouted. "Pugoliers!" and "Schnoodles!" were mentioned with impunity.

What the hell was the old guy talking about?

It's a bizarre new fad, it seems, in dog fashion, of crossing strange breeds, one with the other. Labradors meet with Poodles to create 'Labradoodles'. Pugs meet Cavalier King Charles Spaniels to create 'Pugoliers'. Schnauzers and Poodles, taken together, create 'Schnoodles'. How far will this grotesque trend be taken? Will the resultant labradoodles be crossed with beagles to create 'labeagragloodles'? What disgusting combination of constanants would we have to wrangle together when breeding a Schnauzer with a Chihuahua with a Shar-Pei? Clearly, we have to draw the line somewhere.

The Labradoodle: a shocking example of the horrors of cross-breeding.

After extensive research into this subject, taken at great personal risk to my personal safety, I have compiled the following four case histories into the cross-breeding of dogs nowadays, each more damning than the previous.

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CASE HISTORY 1Dog-eugenecists in the German city of Cologne set out to cross a poodle with a schnauzer to great the now well-known breed, the 'Schnoodle'. They then, controversially, crossed the Schnoodle with a little German girl they had procured for just this experiment whose name was Trudi Apfel. After several attempts at crossing the Schnoodle with Trudi, they succeeded in making Apfel Stroodle, or, in the English translation, "Apple strudel". They then sat down to eat this strudel. Shockingly, since they didn't even have any cream, they decided to have it with yoghurt instead!(They are currently trying to work out how to remove the crucial 'Sch' gene from the Schnoodle in order to create the perfect Noodle, but they haven't quite got there yet.)

CASE HISTORY 2During the 2nd World War, Nazi and Italian scientists collaborated in a secret attempt to breed a kind of 'super dog' by crossing the Schnauzer with the Pointer. They hoped to create a legion of Super Panzers, but they ended up just creating a hopeless breed with no sense of direction that they called 'Schnointers'. The English had a little more success; by crossing Pointers and Greyhounds, they succeeded in creating an elite breed of fast-running Goiters, which were later used to attack the German high command.

CAST HISTORY 3By cross-breeding, over successive generations, Maltese, Sussex Spaniels, and Pugs, North Korean scientists, against all expectations, managed to breed a highly specialised race of dogs they called 'Smugs'. Smugs are just like Pugs, except whenever a person tells them to do something, they appear to have a look of idiotic satisfaction on their faces. A few examples from scientific research, with original notations, will suffice:

The Pug

The Smug

When petted, and told he was a good dog, the Pug frowned slightly and appeared not to understand.

When petted, and told he was a good dog, the Smug smiled slightly and appeared not to understand.

When shouted at, and told that he should not have eaten the chocolate, the Pug frowned slightly, and appeared not to understand.

When shouted at, and told that he should not have eaten the chocolate, the Smug both appeared not to understand, and yet somehow evinced an aura of quiet satisfaction.

When taken out to run around in the fields, the Pug frowned slightly, and appeared not to understand.

The same thing occurred with the Smug, but he appeared altogether more satisfied about it, so we gave it a kick up the bum.

The dogs involved are currently in counselling.If you are horrified by that, just wait until you read the next case history.

CASE HISTORY 4After years of being tormented by his pet Doberman Pinscher, Mr Doberman attempted to breed the dog with a poodle named Ponto from Toronto, in order to make and patent a Doberman Poncho. He actually succeeded, but then his old Pinscher pinched the poncho, too, which just goes to show, you shouldn't mess with nature, or something. Doberman retired shortly afterwards to a home for the infirm and elderly in Alaska. He suffers greatly from chills, and thinks more and more about that poncho as time goes on.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I think the message is clear: when it comes to foxes and terriers, I think we should just leave it at that. No need to start worrying about oodles of labradoodles and legions of pugoliers. That way can only lie madness.