June 19, 2009

A human rights commission blasted the United States over allegations of torture.

“For over 10 years US officials have twisted, turned, and abused metaphors in ways not humanly possible. It’s time for a reckoning,” read the report’s summary.

President George W. Bush receives the most attention, with 314 counts of malapropism, 735 counts of misstated folk sayings and several thousand tortured metaphors.

But President Obama did not receive a pass, receiving hundreds of counts of his own.

“While President Obama’s soaring rhetoric has received high praise, we cannot overlook his occasional violence to the language,” the report stated.

Obama came under harsh criticism for a particular kind of torture known as hard labor.

“Making anything, including a word, work constantly without rest day and night, is not exempt from the title of torture,” the report mentioned. “Obama’s cruel and unusual use of the word ‘look’ cannot be excused.”

The report was spurred by complaints to the UN by the union of similes who have found themselves also ill-used. Many are out of work.

September 25, 2007

(REYKJAVIK) The secret rulers of the world discussed their disappointment at several long-range plans during a regular meeting in Iceland this afternoon.

A spokesperson for the government said many secret leaders are losing patience with plans that once promised to better control society.

“We’ve been flouridating the water for decades now with very little effect. This was supposed to pacify the populous and open them for suggestion. Watch the guests on Fox News for two minutes and you’ll see it’s clearly not working.”

Other plans also were criticized for not producing intended results. The use of mandatory vaccines to make people sick and depopulate the Earth, has had the opposite effect.

“We put out a cover story that small amounts of disease would actually help protect you. We weren’t sure anyone would believe it, but people bought it. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. So we’ve actually hindered disease, and our pharmaceutical members are outraged.”

However the meeting was not all bad news. Some members glowingly reported their continued success at thwarting the development of a clean-burning car that runs on water. The proudest members were the committee for the prevention of the cure for the common cold.

“We look to them as a model of what other teams should be doing. The valuation of that project is almost incalculable.”

A lifetime achievement award was presented in absentia to Senator Dianne Feinstein, for her work in preventing medicines like Sudafed from being sold off store shelves.

“Let’s just say that Ms. Feinstein is not a member of the secret government, but thankfully she has the instinct to act in our best interests. We could never have gotten one of the most effective cold medicines removed from shelves and monitored the way she did. The replacement industry of ineffective cold remedies is booming now because of her. The folks behind Airborne are thrilled. Just thrilled.”

Also honored was Ron Whitson, a special effects pioneer who helped stage much of the moon landing and parts of World War II.

February 5, 2006

(Heaven) – In his first press conference in months, God spoke out on the recent controversy over a Danish editorial cartoon.

“Far from being offensive, I just don’t think it’s funny,” said the supreme being. “Mohammed’s not oversensitive and he’s not offended.Â But he’s a quiet guy, so I felt I should try to speak out on this on his behalf. The only reason to protest this cartoon is for lack of creativity.Â It’s a blasphemy against humour, not against me or my prophet.”

The cartoon depicted Mohammed with a bomb for a turban.

“I mean what’s that?” said God. “Oh I’m so funny.Â I put a bomb in Mohammed’s turban. Get it?Â He’s a terrorist?Â Get it?Â Yeah, real original.Â Something’s rotten in Denmark, for sure.”

God did not take questions but appealed for a modicum of rationality in response to the cartoon.

“If it makes you feel better to go burn a flag, whatever, but don’t let it get out of hand.Â I mean we don’t see people dying in response to Carrot Top, and he’s not funny either, in my opinion.Â But do I strike him down with my wrath?Â No. Come on people.Â Have some sense of perspective.”

God concluded the conference by announcing he would count the editorial as a sin for cartoonist Kurt Westergaard.Â “It’s not like it’s mortal or anything but man, bad taste is a sin.Â Don’t you agree?”

God declined to conduct the normal question and answer session, and reporters resisted leaving until they got more responses. Press spokesperson Michael stepped in and cleared the room by offering to play some tunes on his trumpet.

January 19, 2006

(Amman) – A group of anonymous terrorists announced a professional society to help reduce the number of amateurs engaging in suicide bombing.
“With all the media coverage, kids these days think anyone can just waltz in and blow themselves up in Baghdad,” said anonymous terrorist one. “They don’t understand it’s an art. You have to learn it. If you do it right, you’ll only get once chance at it. It’s not something you want to just wing it, you know?.”

The International Brotherhood of Self-sacrifical Explosionaries (IBSE) will consist of a board of directors oversseing a school and certification program. Members will be solicited consistently.

“This is obviously a high-turnover occupation,” said anonymous terrorist one. “We’ll always be recruiting. And it’s a tough job. Kids look at me and say ‘you’ve never done it. why should I listen to you?’ but as they say, if you can’t do, teach. We need these kids to know they can safely and securely self-destruct and not leave themselves permanently damaged. But if they don’t have proper instruction, they’re risking their lives. Well, you know what I mean. Not properly risking their lives.”

The IBSE says they aim to reduce the total number of bombings, while increasing their quality. They also will issue confirmations of whether any given bombing is IBSE approved or not.

“We won’t be claiming or assigning credit of course. We must protect the confidentiality of our clients. But we can issue blanket assurances of quality. Most of the major organizations are on board. We’ve heard Osama loves it. So we don’t expect the certification or not to be too telling.”

August 28, 2005

(WASHINGTON) – As Sunnis flatly rejected a draft of the Iraqi consitution, President Bush blazed more new ground in logic by praising the rejection as a great compromise.

The President slid partway toward traditional logic when he admitted some Sunnis may not agree with the constitution they oppose. “Some Sunnis expressed reservations about provisions of the constitution,” admitted the President in a moment of logical weakness.

Meanwhile Sunnis remained rooted in primitive honesty.

“We declare that we don’t agree and we reject the articles that were mentioned in the draft and we did not reach consensus on them in what makes the draft illegitimate,” they said in a statement read by Abdul-Nasser al-Janabi.

If the Sunnis excercise their veto over the constitution, professional logicians are expecting a major advance in logic from the President.

“We expect President Bush to hail any Veto as either a ‘great victory’ or ‘amazing progress’.” Said SuBBrilliant University logician Michael Smithson. “But he may suprise us with an even bolder conclusion.”