The past 7 days have been probably the worst of my life. I have been to hell and back.

Last Thursday I started becoming extremely suicidal. Thankfully I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that day and she put me on a mood stabilizer right then. I wasn't honest with her about all the thoughts I was having because I did not want her to admit me to the hospital. It got worse Friday and Saturday. I really wanted to die. I started feeling better on Sunday, but was still extremely depressed. I didn't go to IOP on Monday because the roads were too icy to drive, but I did meet with V Monday night. She and my psychiatrist both thought it would be a good idea for me to voluntarily admit myself to the hospital. I really didn't want to do that, but allowed myself to be persuaded to try it. V went with me Tuesday to check into the hospital and once they walked us into the unit I freaked out. Like literally lost it. They had to put me in a room to calm down. V did her best to convince me to stay, but I couldn't. I was terrified of being "locked" up there. I felt really bad for wasting her time, she was there with me for almost 2 hours, but I just couldn't stay there.

V asked me to commit to doing PHP since I didn't agree to staying at the hospital and she wanted me to get more intensive help than what IOP could offer. I didn't want to do PHP originally because it was a coed group but I went Wednesday to this new group. I hated it. I was surrounded by detoxing men and felt so out of place. I left and called my IOP therapist to see if I could come back.

I had to be re-assessed and re-admitted since I had been MIA for 3 days. By the time I got done filling out the paperwork again, the clinician came in and told me that the women's group (the IOP program I had started) was being dissolved because there weren't enough people. I started freaking out again. I had no idea what I was going to do. I left the center to go to my session with V. By the time I got to her office they called and said they had another admission and that IOP was back on for Thursday.

I was so afraid of my session with V. I was so ashamed of how I reacted at the hospital and I was afraid she was mad at me. I definitely wasn't expecting the conversation that we had, but looking back at a more stable place I can't say I'm surprised that we had this conversation.

V told me that she allowed herself to get too emotionally involved with everything going on with me. She told me that over the last 2 weeks she was making decisions more as a mother or friend than as my therapist. She said the maternal side of her kicked in and she allowed her judgement to be affected by her emotions and feelings. She was so worried about me killing myself that she put me and my needs above her own. She was frustrated with herself because she didn't realize she was doing that until she left the hospital feeling emotionally and physically drained from watching and helping me through my freakout. Her decisions had enabled me to continue running to her any time things got hard (which I was doing... e-mailing, calling, texting, sessions 3 or 4x a week) and not allowing myself to reach out to anyone else for help. I literally got to a point over these last few weeks where I could barely function without talking to her. And like her, I didn't realize it in the moment. I felt bad that I had put such a strain on our professional relationship because of everything, but at the same time I felt so loved and supported in hearing her say just how much she cared for me and did all these things because she wanted to make sure that I stayed safe. I made sure to tell her how much I appreciated everything she did for me and that had she not been there to support me, I really felt as though I would have killed myself.

We talked a little bit about how things needed to change, as far as my treatment in IOP, how I needed to step back from relying on her so much and allow myself to be open to the group and therapist and what they can offer me. She told me there are things she is going to do differently as well, pertaining to how accessible she is to me. Part of the reason I became so dependent on her and unable to do anything on my own is because I could call, email or text her at anytime and she'd always respond. That is something that is not going to happen anymore. Obviously in emergencies this doesn't apply, but if she is always there to put out my fires, I'll never be able to figure out how to apply what we talk about in sessions.

I was scared when we were having this conversation because the insecure part of me thought this meant that she was no longer going to treat me, but I knew that I was overreacting. V has always wanted nothing more to help me heal, and this is just another step in the process.

So I went to IOP yesterday with a different outlook on how it was going to help me. I did my best to push myself to be present in the moment, be vulnerable and allow myself to trust that the group and therapist were not going to judge me. It was hard. Very hard. I started to talk about my abuse and abuser, but was still too afraid to talk specifically about what happened. I wish I could have done more, but this is a process. I can't do it all in one day. I had kind of a rough afternoon, having a panic attack at the grocery store and then another at home. It's not surprising since I am opening up about these secrets, but it still sucks.

I woke up today ready to go back to IOP and push myself more. Unfortunately the admission that was supposed to start today to make our group "big enough" didn't show up so they cancelled it. The group therapist offered to transfer us to the other program at the center, but it's lead by a male and focuses on chemical dependency. That is not going to help me. So now I am on standby for treatment. If someone else signs up over the weekend, we'll have IOP on Monday and Tuesday, if not we won't meet again until Wednesday when the next admission starts. I'm frustrated because I am ready to be working now, and I have to wait around. Right now I still have paid days to use, but those are going to run out next week. There is a chance I will qualify for the sick leave bank from work where they will give me donated paid days to use. That would be great, but I would hate to waste them sitting at home.

This weekend is going to be rough. No sessions with V, I can't allow myself to contact her, all my friends will be at our church retreat which I planned to go to, but when I was going to be hospitalized I had them refund my money since I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go. I hate feeling so alone. I hope my depression doesn't deepen because of this weekend.

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comments:

Oh dear one, what a post. I feel for you truly. Believe me when I say that Lily.

I am still so glad that you have someone like V in your life. And for her to be so open to share even her struggles with your relationship with her. Yes, she certainly does care for you BIG time.

In reading your post, I kept on getting frustrated with the cancellation of the group. That would make me crazy too. Especially as you say, "you are ready" and then to get your hopes up, then not be able to attend. Praying that this situation will be settled. You will be able to attend a group that you will feel comfortable in.

Lily, try and blog over the weekend your feelings if need be. You have bloggy buddies here that support you.

" I wasn't honest with her about all the thoughts I was having because I did not want her to admit me to the hospital." I have this feeling everytime I see my psych and therapist because I just...I don't want to get sent away.

I feel you- I really do. I wish I knew of something to say that would help...

Oh dear, so much happening. I'm sorry you had to go through that horrendous hospital experience, and the frustration of this group being on again off again. And on top of all of that - V admitting her mistake. But at least she did admit it and take responsibility for it, that makes me feel like she is definitely a good person and has your best interests at heart. I hope you haven't been feeling too alone this weekend, and that your group will resume this week.

Dearest Lily, It is near the end of the weekend and I am just now reading your post. Wow...I don't know what to say about the roller coaster that has been your 'life' the past few weeks. I'm so very sorry things have been so intense. I am glad that V did "admit" her mistake and take responsibility - and I hope the 2 of you can work through this and find some boundaries that are workable for both of you so that you can move forward and begin to heal. And how incredibly frustrating about the group situation! Urgh! I'm so sorry! I understand your not wanting to be in a group lead by a man - and with a chemical denpendency focus. I do hope that will work out soon as well!I'm thinking of you.....Grace

dont let it suck you in to its black hole somtimes you get the feeling that your head want to suck you in to easy i allways belive to easy whats the catch why does my head want to think like tihs its been evill to me you will get out of it but you have to fight it or it will win

Lily, I'm very worried about you. I've been where you are. I know you are not 'ok' but I hope you are out there somewhere and you know there are people who love and care about you, even when you feel alone and like no one in the world even knows you exist. I know. If you want to "chat" you can always email me at grace@growingupgrace.com - I'm so sorry for your pain right now. I wish so much I could take it away. You've had more than your share and gosh-darn-it! It's not fair! Sending you care and love, Grace