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One Hit Wonder

This little beauty came to me with the message--cryptic yet as poignant as a cry for help in a fortune cookie--"He only did one match then disappeared on us"--and yet isn't this the story of all our lives?--"but he was paid so why not use it?"--philosophy!

So you think you want to fight at UCW-Wrestling? Before you sign anything, you might want to have a little chat with Tony Roman II, 5'10", 140#, the remunerated missing man just mentioned. He might have one or two things to tell you, wherever it is he is today. It looks like the gig pretty much involves a great many gut punches, body slams, chokes, extreme wedgies, knee drops, several collisions with a cinderblock wall, and--here's something new--a bite on the ass. All of which, I must add, Roman takes with a thrilling amount of fortitude.

El Chulo, 5'11", 172#, outdoes himself breaking the new kid in. Well, as it turns out, he apparently just broke him. But, in its simplicity and in the enigma of whatever-happened-to-Tony-Roman? this video may well end up as one of UCW's classics. It manages both to epitomize the company's output in its first year and to point in new directions. Tony himself is something of an amalgam of UCW's long-reigning first champion, Axel, and one of its later additions, the hapless Andy--adding to the sum, something unheard of at UCW, a last name ... and a suffix. And if you thought Axel's white trunks were a knockout, check out the cherry-red satin ribbon Tony almost wears.

I'm sounding snarky, perhaps, but don't be fooled--this video bowled me over. It may be the purest squash job I have yet to witness, though, admittedly, squash jobs are a delicacy I have only begun to appreciate. The assault is relentless from the first shot. Chulo dogs Tony each step of the way, taunting him in Spanish, which Tony appears to understand as much as he understood the small print of his contract. Chulo proves himself to be UCW's most vicious heel--not the entertainer Joker is, but a sledgehammer, blunt and merciless in his punishment of the jobber. Tony is vulnerably pretty enough to hold our attention, too. Tight editing and some well composed shots--some of which look almost like medieval icons of tortured saints--make this stripped-down beatdown memorable and charged with sexual heat--showing off a bit more skin than UCW's earliest ventures dared.

The fight clocks in at close to 40 minutes, and there's not a lull in it, and not a lot of variety either, since Chulo doesn't let Tony get even a half-second's control of the situation. So settle in, with your popcorn and kleenex for this one, because it is truly nonstop action, sadistic as hell itself. A satisfying massacre which either explains why Tony Roman chose never to show his face again between the blue plastic tarps of UCW or, prophetically, cart before the horse, gives him the ass-whipping he would deserve for skipping out of town on us.