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In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

Water comes from bottles

Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art

People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects

The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Clinton Spotted Deleting Post-Election Emails

Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was spotted alone at breakfast in upstate New York, clutching her phone with two hands, sad eyes gazing at its screen.

Sad eyes, turn the other wayI don’t want to see you crySad eyes, you knew there’d come a dayWhen we would have to say “goodbye”

Minutes after the photo was tweeted, armchair psychologists across the U.S. determined how she was feeling (forlorn, obviously). After all, anyone who’s seen a friend go through a bad breakup knows the look well.

Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we?

In addition to deleting batches of emails that piled up over the election, Hillary has soothed her spirit through a more wholesome, time-honored practice among carpet-bagging New Yorkers: a slow stroll in the woods. What better way to numb the pain caused by recent disappointments than hiking alongside eager picture-posting fans and a husband who happened to occupy the very position you lost?

And though the election was lost, recovery was bittersweet. A young mom and her baby had the opportunity to be photographed with the first woman to lose a presidential election. A grieving candidate was comforted knowing that those who voted for her were still with her. And of course, Bill being who he is, savored the moments of snapping photos of a hot young mom in yoga pants.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong, And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on …For it won’t be long… ‘Til I’m gonna need Somebody to lean on…

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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Hillary Clinton made history Tuesday after winning California and New Jersey.

“We’ve reached a milestone,” Clinton announced in Brooklyn.

“This means the American people will have the opportunity to put someone in the oval office who sports a bra rather than a tie,” a chuckling Clinton told supporters.

“Our next president will have shaved legs, occasional bikini waxings, and of course a wardrobe chock full of pantsuits,” she said.

Clinton’s Republican opponent was quick to pounce on her remarks.

“It’s disgusting, just disgusting,” Donald Trump said. “Every time the Clintons make history, their private parts are in one way or another involved. During President Bill Clinton’s depositions about his sexual activities with his intern Monica Lewinsky, we learned about distinguishing characteristics relative to the unusual curvature of his penis. Testimonies given by several other women identified a mole on his pole.”

“So the Clintons were the first to make a presidential penis an object of American history,” Trump said.

“And they’re not done yet,” he continued. “In one way or another Hillary Clinton continues to use anatomical references to remind people that she’s a woman. Her underlying message is, ‘I got boobs. I got curves. I have a birth canal. So vote for me.’”

“Disgusting,” he said.

Clinton gained the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the nomination on Monday night. Most media outlets and opinionated pundits prefer to say that she “clinched the nomination” because they want to sound just like each other. It makes them feel accepted and part of a club.

However, news organizations called the race for Hillary Clinton based on support from superdelegates — establishment insiders such as party hacks and elected officials who pledged to vote for her instead of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders.

Sanders says he believes a number of superdelegates are likely to change their minds due to the major string of recent victories the Senator has enjoyed.

“Clinton cannot win all the states we won, but we can beat Trump in every state we won and those that Clinton won,” Sanders said. “The superdelegates are seeing that it is clear that I am the only candidate that can defeat Trump in November.”

“I am remaining in this race until every last vote is counted,” Sanders said.

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NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

“I’m running for president of the United States.”

“Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.

Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”

Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

After taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”

Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”

Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”

Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”

Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”

Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.

Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”

Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”

Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”

Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”

Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

As Senator Bernie Sanders has mounted a serious threat to her candidacy, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected, her husband, former U.S. president Bill Clinton, would have a role in the White House.

“I’m going to put my husband in charge of revitalizing the economy, cause you know he knows how to do it,” Clinton told supporters and hecklers.

Clinton made similar remarks earlier this month in Kentucky, a state where Bill Clinton remains popular among working class inbreds.

“I’ve told my husband he’s got to come out of the retirement closet and be in charge of this because you know he’s got more ideas a minute than anybody I know,” she said, while talking about manufacturing, jobs, and the adult film industry.

Over the course of the campaign, Clinton has repeatedly said she would seek her husband’s advice if she takes office, displaying a sheer lack of confidence in her own abilities.

Last month on ABC’s “The View,” she said, “I hope he’ll have a lot of involvement in starting the economy to really take off.”

View host Whoopi Goldberg asked Clinton if she was implying that President Obama damaged the economy.

“You know, Whoopi, I’m the reason gas prices fell to normal levels and Trump’s the reason they are rising,” Clinton replied. “We just can’t have a white guy in the Oval Office anymore, but we sure can use them as advisers and servants.”

“Clearly Crooked Hillary is getting nervous as demonstrated by her evoking the ghost of Bill’s way back presidency,” Trump said. “The only job Bill is qualified to hold is Enabler in Chief, and Hillary knows that.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached at press time as he was attending a fundraiser at a strip bar, according to his publicist.

“I’m not trying to make a political statement or saying I support Bernie because he’s my New England homeboy,” Tyler said. “But The Donald’s wife, I have got to say, is twee-diddly-dee-to the zippity zee-dee-lectable!”

The Rolling Stones also asked Trump to discontinue using their music at rallies, but it was unclear at press time if Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are really still alive.

Talks between Trump and party officials slated

Ryan, the nation’s highest-ranking GOP official, who holds the distinction of having the largest-sized ears on Capitol Hill, sent the Republican Party into a tailspin when he said that he was not ready to back Trump.

Trump is scheduled to talk with Ryan and senior House and Senate GOP leaders. It is expected the group will discuss strategies to unify the party, potential vice presidential nominees, and Hillary Clinton’s silly looking pantsuits.

Sources close to Ryan indicate the Speaker plans to grab Trump by the locks to put to rest the question of whether the billionaire sports a toupee.

Ryan said his decision to share his doubts about Trump came out of a “gut impulse.” Ryan later conceded that his impulses are not always right, referencing his decision four years ago to join Gov. Mitt Romney as his vice presidential running mate.

“It’s going to take more than a week to unify this party,” Ryan said citing picnic plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and his plans to take his family to Disneyland over the summer. Sources close to Ryan’s mother indicate the Speaker is still brokenhearted about his primary loss to Trump and the large slate of Republicans he ran against.

Ryan concluded he hoped the GOP would unite by November to defeat Hillary Clinton.

“Even I was thrown off this year—I never saw it coming,” Sanders said. “I guess I didn’t get the memo that it was time to turn the clocks forward.”

Sanders said that he had been mulling the issue over since college, and plans to use the power of the Presidency to end what he calls a ridiculous exercise in time manipulation.

“I’ve yet to meet anybody who says he or she likes getting cheated an hour of sleep every spring,” said Sanders.

Sanders believes he already has sweeping support in making the change.

“Most of my supporters already barely can make it out of bed on time as it is,” said Sanders. “From spoiled millennials who still live with their parents, to pot smoking hippies who need till noon to get moving, or octogenarians with one foot in the grave, most of my supporters, and in fact, many of Mrs. Clinton’s supporters, want to see Daylight Savings Time abolished. As president, I will turn out the lights on this silly ritual.”

In a telephone interview, Mrs. Clinton chuckled at the idea and said she agrees with Sanders.

“I’ll have to admit, I’m feeling ‘the Bern’ on this issue,” she said with that bright-eyed smile even conservatives have come to admire.

Adding a little humor to the mix, she alluded to the extended bathroom break that caused her to return to a debate late in December.

“Lord knows, I need the powder room time after a good night’s sleep,” she quipped.

Clinton then hinted that she would take the measure one step forward and lower the freezing point to twenty degrees Fahrenheit.

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Donald Trump’s planned rally in Chicago Friday was canceled last week due to a protestor who now admits that he not only has anger in his heart: he has anger in his pants.

Jedidiah Brown was pulled from the event stage. He’s part of an organization called Young Leaders Alliance, which he uses as an outlet to vent his personal angst and to meet young women.

“Having gotten into the middle of the rally, I completely felt hated, I completely felt unsafe, I felt that everyone knows I have a small penis,” Brown told the press. “So it became my mission to shut it down because this can’t go on in Chicago.”

Brown indicated that he has long since struggled with his masculinity because of what he perceives to be unfair physical deficiencies and has tried with no success to compensate for the shortcomings.

“I’ve taken yoga, you know, done the “Namaste” thing, gone for nature walks with suburban folks, even done horseback riding,” Brown told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “I was even thinking about buying a Harley Davidson like rednecks with small penises do, but I couldn’t secure the financing for a new bike.”

Asked why size would drive him to such extreme behavior, Brown held back tears as he continued.

“To be perfectly honest, this is a world gone very wrong for me,” he said. “It’s not a race or hate thing. But it is my birthright to be well endowed. I got cheated. Everyone on the team made fun of me in the locker room saying I’m built like Jim Carey or some other dude you know ain’t got the goods.”

Trump, who recently suffered a widely publicized small-appendage insult by opponent Senator Marco Rubio, said that Brown’s candor made him “think about the reality of things.”

“I long ago learned that ‘hurt people hurt people’,” Trump told Meet the Press. “When I am elected president, I will ask congress to earmark a portion of healthcare funding to ensure that young men like Brown get the help they need before it’s too late.”

Brown said at press time that he was not aware of Trump’s remarks.

“Regardless of what’s going on South of the Border, I am, at heart, a real man, which is what women and the American people really want in a guy,” Brown said. “If Trump were to come clean about be anatomically shortchanged, I might even consider voting for him.”

Hillary Clinton was supposed to win Michigan. The former Secretary of State enjoyed a commanding 21 point lead going into the Wolverine State’s primary election.

Senator Bernie Sanders, a self-avowed socialist from Vermont, who lists bankers, baristas and opponents in pantsuits as a few of his least favorite things, defeated Clinton by about two percentage points.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was quick to take notice.

“If Bernie can talk tuchas, I can sing schlong,” Trump said in a radio interview.

How did this happen?

Mrs. Clinton’s strong support among unions and hitmen throughout the Rust Belt and her recent stance on the City of Flint’s water crisis all but guaranteed she would win Michigan’s primary by a wide margin.

“As I said earlier this month, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder should resign or be recalled, although I never heard of him before the Flint water situation became an opportunity for my campaign,” said Mrs. Clinton bobbing her head and doing that curled finger pointing thing to remind voters of her husband Bill.

“I know from very credible sources that Mr. Snyder himself ordered Flint’s Emergency Manager to stand down when his team discovered high levels of lead in the city’s water,” she continued.

“I blame Snyder and those damned Republicans for what happened during the election, and I am asking Michigan’s Secretary of State to hold back from certifying the election results until there is a fair, full, and accurate recount of the votes along with a medical examination of all those who cast their ballots.”

When asked by a Flint Journal reporter to clarify why she is calling for a medical examination of voters, she said, “We suspect a high percentage of voters who live, work, or have visited Flint over the past few months have lost their capacity to reason due to drinking the city’s water.”

“Look, the people of Mississippi voted for me the same night,” she continued. “I mean, c’mon…if they can figure out the right thing to do, certainly the people of Michigan, under normal circumstances should be able to as well.”

Despite the former First Lady’s surprise loss, her campaign along with establishment Democrats continues to feign optimism for Clinton’s candidacy.

Clinton’s former boss, Barack Obama, called the loss a “bump in the road” and said that he remains confident in Clinton’s ability to secure the Democratic nomination and ultimately win the White House.

Outraged by the outcome of Iowa’s Democratic caucuses, God indicated in a press release that he intends to “rain down fire” in select locations throughout the United States if Bernie Sanders loses New Hampshire.

“I believe Iowa should have gone to Bernie,” said the Lord of Hosts in a later conversation with CNN correspondent Neale Donaldson Walsch. “He’s a good man, older and wiser than Granny Clinton. He understands the Rule of Law as he helped Moses edit the Ten Commandments before the final draft was written in stone.”

Showing a first hint of support for Mrs. Clinton, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to remark, “I met Moses and I go way back with Bernie. Both are good guys, but their policies are as far apart as the shores of the Red Sea. Listen, the heart and soul of the Democratic Party are at stake in this election. If I were Hillary, I would tell Mr. Sanders during tonight’s debate, “You, sir are no Moses.”

Speaking in anonymity, a physician serving the Obama administration told CNN that she believes that the Vice President is confusing the Liberator of God’s chosen ones with the late great Hall of Fame basketball star Moses Malone.

“Joe is a huge sports fan, and a wonderful man, but I am afraid he is losing it, kind of like Reagan did during his second term in office,” said the doctor. “Which is why I hope Joe enters the race even at this late stage. As a physician, I am nonpartisan. I loved Reagan, and I think the onset of Joe’s senility will make him even a stronger leader, which is what this country needs right now.”

When asked if he would step into the race in the event a sharp division rises among delegates going into the convention, or if Mrs. Clinton is indicted over the damned emails Sanders is sick of hearing about, Biden retorted, “As I said when I announced my decision, that window has closed.”

Mrs. Clinton’s husband Bill Clinton told reporters, “I did not have sexual relations with that window.”

Citing the former president’s misunderstanding of Biden’s remarks, the Clinton campaign issued a statement apologizing for Mr. Clinton’s “innocent and unintentional misreading of the Vice President’s comments.”

With less than a week to go, all eyes are on New Hampshire, including God’s.

“I’m still betting on Bernie,” said the Lord. “But let me be clear, there will be consequences if the Bernster does not win.”

Forces of darkness were reported to settle in New Hampshire immediately after the Iowa caucuses seeking to cause an upset for Sanders. Calls to Satan were not returned by press time.