Ladies, do you ever look around at the crazy world we live in and think, “My god, I wish I were a man!”?

I know, we all enjoy having the freedom to express ourselves through fashion (within the bounds of femininity, of course), and we love the bonds we create with our families from doing the majority of the mental, physical, and emotional work to connect with them, and who DOESN’T enjoy having random strangers chat them up in elevators, living in a rape culture, or having to have a yearly I-hate-my-body exam to check for a vaccine-preventable form of cancer?

But even with all these advantages, the burden of maintaining a spotless home, perfectly groomed appearance, and happy, conciliating manner in the face of a hostile world – all on 78% of what a man earns! – can wear one down a little. So, ladies, here is something we can all be grateful for:

If you are a woman and your feet slip off of your bicycle pedals, causing you to fall forward and smash your groin area into the frame, you will not enjoy it very much, but you will not suffer anywhere near as much as a man would.

(Yes, this happened to me today. I sustained minor injuries to the aforementioned groinal area, right knee, and dignity, but I stayed upright and did NOT collapse in agony into oncoming traffic.)

So you want to commit a murder. Maybe you’re a sociopath who’s always wanted to see someone die. Maybe you’re a psychopath and the squirrels have learned to avoid your house. But up til now you’ve been held back by your fear of the law. Even the most enjoyable murder isn’t worth 25-life hard time!

Well, sit right back, grab that flask of human blood, and listen while I fill you in on this foolproof, get-away-with-murder-without-even-trying system.

1: Be a rich white guy.

Like most things in life, getting away with murder is WAY easier if you’re rich, white, and in possession of a penis.* But even if you’re missing one of these, there may still be hope. If you’re not rich, go to law school and claw your way up the corporate ladder. If you’re not male, if you’re rich and white enough you might squeak by. Gaining whiteness is tricky, but if you’re of a suspiciously swarthy ethnic group (Sicilian, Greek, Turkish) you might find that over time you go from being considered not really white to being totally OK. There are also skin-whitening creams, if you don’t mind the possible cancer risk.

2: Make lots of powerful friends.

While you’re viciously clawing your way to the top, make sure only to step on and manipulate little people. Keep in good with the important people – police chiefs, attorneys general, prosecutors, government ministers, maybe a bishop or two to make you look like a good person. And if you do have to betray or destroy someone who’s higher up than you, do it so viciously that people will think you’re a tough guy and not want to get on your bad side.

When you ARE at the top (congratulations!), start doing people favours. Again, mostly the important people, but if another fresh-faced young rich white man shows up**, help him out. Especially if the help you render puts him in your power. I know, I know, this sounds an awful lot like “charity” and “kindness” and all those boring things that stupid bishop keeps droning on about when you take him to lunch at the Royal York, but don’t worry. You’re not doing it because you LIKE them, but because you are USING them. Big difference.

3: Choose your victim wisely.

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork, you are ready to move forward with your devilish plan! Since you’ve been moving in exalted circles, you might think it’s smart to choose your victim from among the rich and powerful assholes you hang out with. Unfortunately, this is probably a bad idea.

Think about it – if someone killed YOU, what would happen to them? All those powerful friends you’ve been cultivating would be baying for your murderer’s blood. Can’t have that. No, you need to pick a victim that nobody likes.

So find some poor man – could be white, could be brown, could be anything in between, as long as he’s really poor – with a history of violence and substance abuse. That gives the media something to talk about other than your callous disregard for human life. The conservative press will call him a no-good wastrel who was a danger to society, while the somewhat less conservative press will say how sad it was that this poor young man’s demons led to his death.

If you’d prefer to kill a woman, make sure she’s either your wife/girlfriend or a prostitute. Also if she’s not white that’s a definite bonus. Remember, relative poverty has less weight here – the media might decide to spin her as a saintly single mom trying to make do on her Burger King earnings, not as a wastrel who never made good in life. Unless she’s a prostitute, in which case you’re home free***.

4: Call in the favours.

Now you’ve committed your murder. Was it as much fun as you’d imagined? I do so hope you enjoyed watching your victim beg for mercy. But now the police are breathing down your neck, and publc pressure is mounting to bring you to justice. What to do?

PR is your friend here. Get your story in the media and reinforce it any way you can. Talk about how sorry you are that this dreadful accident happened, how you wish it could have been avoided, and – this is most important – how TRAUMATIZED you are by the affair.

The message you need to get into the public consciousness is that you are a person, and your victim was not. You have feelings that must be understood, and your victim did not. You are the subject of the tragic tale, and your victim was the object.

At the same time, call in all the favours you can throughout the police and government. Get your lawyers to pal up to the prosecutors, hand them lots of evidence about how awful a person the deceased was, etc., etc. If things look really bad, get cancer or something. No, not for REAL, but faking a fatal disease can totally win you more sympathy and maybe swing things your way.

If you play your cards right, if you’ve accumulated enough social capital and you victim was enough of an untermensch, then congratulations! You’ve just gotten away with murder!

Of course, you’ll take a hit in your career, probably have to lie low for a few years, but hopefully you’ve got a Swiss bank account or two to see you through. And in five years or so people will only remember the pity they felt for the awful ordeal you’ve been through, not the crime you committed.

/satire

If you listened to Ben’s podcast you’ll understand this – I suggest that we find out what Bryant’s office address is and mail him a zillion copies of Macy Gray’s “I Committed Murder”. Sends a message while also getting Macy Grey some royalty income.

Footnotes:
*But not if the penis is one you cut off from another person and keep in a jar.

**As long as it’s not to your advantage to destroy him and his career forever.

***Unless she happens to be the long-lost daughter of a rich and powerful man. That’s bad luck.

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