Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Exxon Prophet

I recently pulled up to an Exxon station and noticed a CD
taped to the gas pump I was attempting to use. It was in a clear protective
case and the label indicated that it contained both audio and an electronic
book called “Understanding Eternity” by someone identified only as “David, the
Lord’s servant.”

Upon returning home I placed the disc in my laptop,
double-clicked it, and fully expected my e-mail account to start sending
Canadian porn to everyone in my address book. Instead, I was subjected to a
voice of such indescribable resonance and timbre that I felt compelled to post
an audio sample. I have never heard someone’s speech modulate so wildly during
the course of a single sentence. It is almost as if he is reading a children’s
book, but remains unsure of whether or not the audience plans to disembowel him
at its conclusion.

Curious as to whom this fascinating individual was, I checked
the data tag on the electronic book (better known as a Microsoft Word Document)
and determined that his last name was Neal and he had authored his sermon on a
Hewlett-Packard. After a quick Google search, I was directed to
libertytothecaptives.net where I discovered an impressive cache of his essays.
Even more delightful, was the site itself which featured articles like The Dangers of Christian Message Boards
and Prayer Circles: Straight Out of
Witchcraft (your move N.W.A.).

The “About Us” page credits the site’s existence to
ex-Baptists Gary & Lisa Ruby, who apparently had an unpleasant experience
at Plainville Baptist Church in Plainville, MA. According to The Rubys,
Plainville Church was founded by “a family of multi-generational black-magic
witches” and uses “mind control techniques” on children while “placing implants
in them.”The congregation seems to have
a rather aggressive member retention policy as Lisa is convinced that after leaving
the church “Luciferian witches” sent “evil spirits” to afflict her and her
husband.

I located the alleged coven’s website, but none of their
upcoming events listed a pre-teen black mass or the satanic toddler hour. On
the other hand they did seem a little heavy-handed with the “nursery provided”
tag when service times were listed. To be fair, I imagine newborn warlock
implants is a topic best broached after the new member potluck and not on the
website.

A few of the articles were labeled adults only and contained
frank discussions of human sexuality. One article entitled The Marriage Bed: License for Sodomy, insisted that any form of
oral copulation (even amongst married heterosexuals) was a “vile affectation”
and deviated from “the natural use of the woman.” Another article warns that “Satan
especially "rewards" those who engage in Tantra-inspired sex worship
(oral congress).” This would of course explain the longevity of Sting’s career.

It appears that the only thing Gary and Ruby despise more
than mouth lovin’ is witchcraft; which is apparently rampant in the following
places:

Harry Potter Novels

Third editions of the Scofield Study Bible

Yoga

The marketing of essential oils

Michael W. Smith’s Christmas album

The Left Behind series

The Playstation 2 game Forever
Kingdom

Late 90’s Amy Grant concert footage

There was also an article entitled “Mocking God for Fun and
Profit” which turned out not to be a study-at-home course but a scathing rebuke of
the website reverendfun.com which features Christianity-themed cartoons. I
followed several links to examples of “blasphemy,” but found only tepid
Biblical humor and one pretty solid joke featuring Satan on a first date.

While the Ruby’s strike me as rather alarmist, I suppose it
is possible that I need to leaf back through my collection of Carmen and Ray
Boltz albums to make sure I haven’t overlooked any runes in the cover art. It
is unclear whether The Ruby’s are attempting to create their own church, but
with strict rules against movies, video games, and fellatio I have no doubt
potential congregants are in for a good time.