He’s 24 (almost 25) and I’m 30. He’s very, very, very mature for his age and sometimes I feel he is the older one – not me. Plus, I look younger than him. And he’s always giving me advice and taking care of me and is always around. We seem to get along fine even with this age difference. It doesn’t bother either of us at all.

He is always by my side, always supporting me. He wants to see me more than I want to see him. He is always calling me and texting and asking when we can meet. Whatever I want he brings me. If I call him in the middle of the night to tell him I have menstrual cramps, he stays on the phone with me till I fall asleep. (We don’t live together since were from conservative families.) We’re so in love.

Emotionally, he’s always there for me, and we’ve been together for eight months now although it feels like two or more years. At this point, I don’t want to let go.

He dropped out of college and started working at a petrol station. Whatever he earns goes to his mum. She expects him to give her cash since he’s the oldest son. What he makes isn’t a lot anyway, so it doesn’t bother me since it’s so measly and not enough to pay for our things.

Like I mentioned, I pay for everything – our food when we go out, his phone credit, his medical checkups, and when he borrows my car, I obviously pay for the petrol. I also give him pocket money.

The situation doesn’t bother me right now. I see it as a temporary situation until he finds a better job or goes back to college and makes something of himself. Because I know for sure, he will take care of me.

He also wants us to get married soon – I’m not sure with what money. But he constantly mentions it. He keep asking, “When are you going to be my wife?” and “When are we going to have some kids?” To be honest, I think it’s sweet and I like it.

However, I’m just not sure if my parents will be willing to give me away to someone like him. Like I said, when it’s between us, this money issue doesn’t bother me. But I don’t want it to become a habit in the years to come. He might get used to it… and I’ll have no one but myself to blame.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t want to let go. I want to stay with him, but I don’t want to feel like I’m being used. I know it’s not like that because he would give me the moon if I asked. But I can’t continue like this.

Should I test him? Should I tell him that I want to quit my job and have no income? I’m sure he’ll say it would be OK and he’ll promise to take care of me. I don’t want to have to resort to that course of action just to see, you know?

Please help me decide!

Woman in charge, Sudan

Dear Woman in charge

You have a kind, loving man in your life but you are filled with resentment because he isn’t earning a lot of money. Your letter is riddled with barely hidden anger at how much you dislike the situation. I think you should ask, where is that coming from?

Suppose you turn this around, and read your letter as if you were the man and your boyfriend were the woman. If that were so, we’d be talking about your potential partner’s character, heart and love. We would then talk about whether you could support a family, and what sort of marriage you’d have.

My point is that you appear to be thinking of marriage in the kind of terms our grandparents did. It is not just your family who is conservative; you are too!

Look, in the old days, men had jobs that supported the whole family and women were mums who doubled as servants. But today most couples need a double income and even then it’s a struggle. And that’s true in Sudan, in Malaysia and everywhere else.
I strongly suggest you dump your preconceptions and discover what you truly want from your life.

When you think of an ideal partnership, what are you looking for? If you want an old-fashioned lifestyle, that’s perfectly okay. However, you’d need to find a man who shares that ideal. If that’s your man, you’d both have to make a workable plan to get to that lifestyle.

However, I would urge you to consider all your options. As you have a job, would you be happy as the principal breadwinner? It may be stressful, especially if you plan to have a family, but with good backup at home, you may forge a wonderful career.

If that does sound nice, is he in agreement? Would he be happy as the homemaker, a man whose first job is the kids, and who does cooking, cleaning and laundry? Of course, he can work a little when the kids are older, but it would be a job purely to earn extra cash, not a career like yours.

Once you get talking, you may decide you both want careers, in which case you both need to earn a stack of cash so you can afford child minders, good schools, etc.

Again, anything you want is okay, just be certain you two agree on what you both want, and be sensible in planning to achieve your goals.

When you plan for your future, consider how you would share finances, homework support for the kids, pension funds – everything in daily life. Then factor in your families and your opportunities. Figure out what options you have, and pick the one you like best.

I do hope you both find a way that makes you both happy.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor or e-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views

12 Comments

Adeline

There is nothing wrong in being conservative. It is natural for a woman to expect a man to at least be able to take care of HIMSELF (let alone take care of you too) financially in a relationship. Some men knowingly marry women who are after their money, and if they are happy with that kind of ego trip, that is fine. As for you, if you don’t think you’d be happy with this, by all means test him out. Better to carry out such tests before you decide to get married than after. Personally, if I were in your position, I’d tell this young man to get a more decent job where he can at least pay his own bills before going out with me again. You’re 30, not 20 and dating a fellow university student.

I do not know your son’s, sorry, boyfried’s background, and why is he working at a petrol station at 25 years old. It is also easy to act “mature” when one has no need to worry about money.

John

Hi there,..
If you were to ask me, I think he`s not mature at all…
He`s being nice cuz he`s found in you a gold mine,.a human ATM card..
A mature man would not even think about marriage and having kids especially if he`s gonna have to be solely dependent on his partner to pay for everything…
Please juz dump him and not waste any more time thinking he`ll be by your side when you need him..
Juz think…What happens if you are down and out,…will he be there to prop you up?
If you fall ill,..you are on your own..If he falls ill,…you have to pay for his medical bills..How fair is that gonna be?
If I were a man and have to depend on my woman to pay for every lil thing,…I`ll need a paper bag to cover my face cuz I`ll be full of shame…Where`s his self pride,..self dignity,..for goodness’ sake..?
Having you pay for everything esp. during courtship is an obvious sign he`ll lean on you most of the time and he`ll soon become a leech…
In life,..I’ve seen men shower gifts and attention on their g/fs during courtship,…(but turn into freaking bums after having bagged their potential capable partners as spouses)..but your b/f does not even have to do that,..yet you,re smitten???
But if you like him sooo much,…you probably can give him a chance and tell him to work hard, start saving and prove to you that he can also contribute to the relationship by at least going Dutch..
As for me,…his type is definitely not my choice..

Jacklyn

Imagine this. What if one day you really lost your job, will this guy support you. He may rise up perhaps but what if he walk away to the many other choices of younger woman. Marriage are different from dating. Don’t wait till you become part of a single parent to find out the truth.

Venus

Dump him. I was together with my husband for 20 years and married for 14 years. I was doing well in my career, took care of the kids and other expenses. In my late 40s, i lost my high paying job and he started looking for excuses to look for other women. Don’t be naive, it is obvious he will take care of you if you take care of money (not him)…

Whoa…funny how times have changed…
Tis isn`t an isolated case…Looks like there`s quite a number of spineless men out there….definitely more than in my grandpa`s era…Maybe we are moving forward to having roles reversed…
Men can choose to be househubbies…whilst women strive to bring back the bacon…

Marcus

Although it sounds like a true love relationship but the world is harsh and materialistic. Its very well depends on your lifestyle expectation. If you want to live a happy love life but sometimes have to eat “maggi mee”, then be it. Its your life. But life is cruel and how you manage it. If you are coming from a conservative background, money could be everything to secure a good and promising life!

yenne

He might be sweet and loving, but he is definitely not a mature man since he depends on you financially. He is in fact so immature to ask you to marry him and have kids when he can’t even support a decent life for himself and you. He might be just sweet talking. You’ve been together with him for eight months and you’re fine with the relationship now, but I am certain that you’re not okay with it for long term because you have so much concern already. Obviously, you know he can’t give you the life you want if he stays the same. If he could give you the moon if you asked, why wouldn’t you ask for a commitment instead? As I see that it’s something you want since you’re 30 while he might not truly understand it yet. To make a relationship works and lasts, you both need to put in effort and have good understanding of each other. No one can make decision for you but you! Cheers.

Seng Cau

Something just not add up in your relationship. I am an Asian man with many traditional Asian (Chinese) up bringing, and that includes taking care of your parents, your spouse and your love ones. However, here are your sentences that concern me:

“Whatever he earns goes to his mum. She expects him to give her cash since he’s the oldest son.” My siblings and I all contributes to taking care of our elderly parents – including our eldest brother – to ensure that have a comfortable living. This include both $$ and our time; but, there is no set amount of either. And yes, there is a parent expectation to expect more from the eldest sibling, we do what we can and when we can but never to the amount of “whatever he earns” – especially when he already has so little $$ himself. Either the mom is a greedy, self-centered, selfish beep, or something is very wrong here.

And while it’s good to be generous in taking care of you love when like paying for “our food when we go out”, the gas even when he borrow the car, and other the bills at home (if you are living together which you are not). But to pay for “his phone credit, his medical checkups … give him pocket money” is way beyond the duty of girlfriend (different if husband and wife). So ya, something is wrong here too.

You do not need lie to leave your job. Just ask (not tell) your loving bf to starts paying for his own phone bills and “personal” items, and no more pocket money … and ACT ON IT. If he is still the loving man you described after 3 to 6 months, marry the dude. Else, follow NYSNC advise and sing “Bye Bye Bye”!

Belle

Answer: YES he is after you just for money! Don’t mind the dating meals payment BUT phone credit?? pocket money?? petrol?? own medical checkup?? etc… If he can’t even buy own phone credit, this guy is useless & will expect everything from you forever. No need to say further…..HELLO…wake up, girl!!!

no

Sometimes i dont really like thelma’s reply, pls try to be in that girl’s shoes, calling her conservative….the real problem is she is spending her money on him, what if the woman quits her job, will he still be with her?? he cant even pay once for his own medical bills, cant imagine what will happen if they get married…

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