Every summer, the gold mine where Tami Helgeson works hires students and new graduates. Every summer Tami tells them the story of her son Eric, who died in 1999 at his construction job after a crane tipped over, collapsing the building where Eric was working.

As a member of the Threads of Life speakers bureau, Tami says you can never really know who is affected when you speak, but one of her listeners stays with her. He was a young man, maybe only 18 years old, and had gone to school with Tami’s younger son, Brock. After she shared Eric’s story, the young man came to her, and made her a promise that he would work safely, because he had never realized how deeply Eric’s death affected his family.

The effort it took for him to speak up proved his sincerity. He was deeply moved, Tami recalls, and she was moved by his commitment.

When she joined the speakers bureau in 2010, Tami admits it was shocking even to her “because I always hated doing speeches”. She had learned about Threads of Life when the organization was first launched in 2002, and attended the first family forum. The experience was overwhelming.

“As I travelled home, I remember thinking that it was really hard to do, but also feeling that was the first time people really understood what I was feeling. I knew it would be part of how I was going to get better.”

Tami attended the first-ever fundraising walk in Toronto, and Steps for Life Winnipeg has been her family’s home walk since 2009. Despite the fact that it’s a five-hour drive from their home, Tami and her family believe it’s important to return to the city where Eric was living and working. They’re joined annually by relatives from other communities, and by some of Eric’s friends, now with families of their own. The goal every year for ‘Team Helgy’ is to raise $5,000, and she’s proud that they’ve always met or exceeded that target.

As one of Threads of Life’s long-time family members, Tami has contributed to every program. In addition to the speakers bureau and Steps for Life, she is a trained Volunteer Family Guide, has written for the blog, facilitates family forum sessions, and has even acted as the master of ceremonies for two family forums.

“Apparently I like to talk!” she jokes. But having come to know so many people across the country through her involvement with Threads of Life, she said in her role as MC and facilitator, “I want to make people feel as comfortable as I can.”

Threads of Life “saved me,” she adds. “I was very lost until I found them.”

For all her wealth of volunteer skills and experiences, it’s sharing Eric’s story with others that Tami keeps coming back to.

“I think it helps me because it’s something I can still do for Eric,” Tami says. “I help my other kids all I can, but there’s nothing I can really do for Eric, except tell his story” and try to prevent other tragedies.

“Like so many other family members, I want to do something to make such a horrible thing into something positive.”

It’s hard to believe that this weekend will be the Central Family Forum. This forum will be the ninth anniversary of the first one I attended, the year after my husband Robert died. I only stayed one night that year with our then nine-year-old son Andrew. We were both so fragile that weekend, just beginning to make our way in this new fatherless life and quite frankly it wasn’t going so well. But even as I packed up our bags in the dark and headed home to a sunrise in Brampton, I knew I would be back. I had finally found a space where the ache of my solitary loss was not something to hide from but rather there were others out there who had already made this journey and were willing to show me how to live into this new normal. I might not yet be willing to look into those mirrors, but at least they were there to be seen.

Family Forums: In the company of those who understand.

(Photo by Tom Buchanan, Tom Buchanan Photographics)

Over the years I have attended as a participant, as a workshop leader and as a Volunteer Family Guide. And each time those who are a little further along the trail have supported the steps of my walk and I am grateful beyond measure for the wisdom and the courage they have shown and shared with me. There is, it seems to me, something almost magical in the transformation of those who attend the forums. Over the short space of two and a half days people who have been afraid to talk begin to speak, those who look as if they are carrying the weight of the world set down their burden for a bit and those who were really not sure they should come are making plans with new friends to return again next year. I began to notice that not only was I looking into the mirrors of others’ lives but I was beginning to become a mirror for others.

Earlier this year in conversation with other Family Guides at our monthly phone-in volunteer support meeting led by Kate, I mentioned the idea of family members as mirrors for each other and the critical role that long time attendees play for those who are fresh in their grief. I reflected on the powerful source of strength those mirrors had been for me, realizing that had I not met those who were two or five or ten years into their loss I might not have returned. Had I not heard their stories of struggle and hope, I might not have been able to learn to write my own. Had I not witnessed the courage of my fellow travelers, in the club that no one wants to join, I might not have found my own. Had I not been in the company of those who understood my particular loss I might never have found my way back to the world again. And that is why the mirrors matter.

So this fall (or next spring) as you are traveling towards your Family Forum, whether it is as a new family member arriving for the first time or as an annual returnee, wherever you are in your journey, please know there is a space of welcome for you.

Isn’t it true, sometimes, that the people who’ve faced the most hardship and tragedy in their lives show the most kindness and generosity? Knowing what we’ve lost sharpens our appreciation for what we have.

In the book and movie “Pay it Forward” (2000) a young boy comes up with a plan to encourage people to respond to kindness or good fortune by doing a good deed for three more people. In the movie, this creates a network of love and hope. But the concept of paying it forward goes back much further than the turn of this century (maybe it’s as old as humanity!)

“You don’t pay love back; you pay it forward.”

– Lily Hardy Hammond, In the Garden of Delight, 1916

In a 1950 novel, Ray Bradbury wrote “How do I thank Mr. Jonas, he wondered, for what he’s done? How do I thank him, how pay him back? No way, no way at all. You just can’t pay. What then? What? Pass it on somehow, he thought, pass it on to someone else. Keep the chain moving. Look around, find someone, and pass it on. That was the only way…. “

Passing it on to someone else is the whole philosophy behind Steps for Life – Walking for Families of Workplace Tragedy. Threads of Life families, affected by a work-related fatality, serious injury or disease have been through some of the toughest time imaginable, but they find a way to be positive and look for someone they can help. And those of us with the good fortune not to be touched by workplace tragedy can pay it forward too.

Steps for Life is the premier fundraiser for Threads of Life. It will happen in 30 communities across the country next spring, and in companies and other organizations too. Money raised through the five-kilometer walk goes directly to support Threads of Life programs that help people affected by workplace tragedies, and to help prevent future tragedies.

Participating as a walker in Steps for Life, raising funds for those affected by workplace tragedies, volunteering to help organize Steps for Life events or sponsoring a local walk are all great ways to recognize and respond to kindness and good fortune.

Do you work for a great company that values safety? Pay it forward by raising funds to help keep future workers safe.

Did Threads of Life programs help you? Pay it forward by participating so those same programs can help another family.

Was someone there for you when you had a close call at work? Pay it forward.

Do you have a loving family around you? Pay that forward too!

Planning for next spring’s walks is starting now. Mark your calendar, or even better, get involved! Visit our website to find out how. Keep the chain moving! It’s the only way.

Social media is now deeply woven into our society’s fabric, and has become one of the primary ways we talk to each other and create our own identities. It’s no wonder that our grief and public mourning have become interwoven here, too.

I coordinate Threads of Life’s social media presence – on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and now … Instagram, too. I pay attention to how people talk about death, dying, grief and mourning – in relation to tragedies that are work-related, and those that aren’t. To how we talk about sudden, traumatic fatalities and deaths that follow prolonged illness and deteriorating health.

I use social media both personally and professionally. I’m also a sister who’s been grieving her dead brother since before Mark Zuckerberg first walked the halls of Harvard. I do sometimes share reflections, photos, or recount stories about my brother with friends and family on social media. The truth is that most of the people in my life today never met my brother – or, at least, didn’t know him well. Those who don’t know me well don’t necessarily see the crater left in my life by his death. Stories shared are the only way they’ll ever know him for the person that he was. He was and is so much more than the way he died.

In writing this post, I feel tangled in all of the intricacies of how we all use social media differently, and how this virtual extension of our real lives both soothes and abrades a grieving heart.

Someone once confided in me that she thought a mom talked about her dead son too often on Facebook. I was flustered in the moment and wanted to try to explain, but I just couldn’t find the words. So I’m trying now.

1. We’re sharing our shattered hearts, and there is nothing more vulnerable.

Social media is only a means to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the network of your choice (friends or the general public). If you’re thinking someone should keep their grief off of Facebook, what you’re really judging is whether someone should share their grief openly. Grieving is nothing to be ashamed of—it’s the normal response to loss. This pain has to go somewhere and attempting to bury it only causes more intense and prolonged suffering. While it seems to be universally understood that a serious work-related injury, illness, or death is – in fact – a tragedy, we live in a culture that is deeply judgmental of how we grieve. Shakespeare said “every one can master a grief but he that has it.” Remember that you aren’t an expert on how anyone else should grieve.

2. We post to share with and about the important people in our lives.

Death does not end a relationship, but it does change its form. They’re still our people and we still want to share them with you. This is one of the ways we do this.

3. We want and need your witness.

There are times when we just need to feel seen in our grief. To be heard when we have something to say. To know that the gaping hole in our lives is recognized – and felt – by others. When life clicks back to business-as-usual for the rest of the world, it’s a lonely place to stand in the wreckage of the life you once knew and loved.

What do you wish your friends, family, or the public at large understood about the online reflection of your grief?

What happens when you take a really great idea, add in some committed volunteers and a lot of hard work? In Timmins, Ontario the result is a beautiful Threads of Life Family Garden.

The idea first took root in July of 2016, when Allen Armstrong, Chair of the Timmins Steps for Life Committee inquired with the local conservation authority about using an untended patch of garden at the park where they hold their Steps for Life walk. He noticed other local non-profit organizations had flower gardens, and wanted to create something similar for Threads of Life, both as a way to raise awareness for the organization, and as a place where families who have experienced a workplace tragedy can reflect and perhaps find comfort and hope in the knowledge that they are not alone.

The conservation authority agreed and Al and the Steps for Life committee volunteers and their families got busy. Weekends and evenings would find them clearing out the overgrown weeds and shrubs, adding and leveling top soil, creating a unique, raised “boot print” in the garden made of stone, an image that is familiar to the Steps for Life walk. Local businesses also got on board and donated decorative stones and rocks, mulch, flowers, even a beautiful statue.

A full year later, on August 1, 2017, on a lovely, sunny day, the Threads of Life Timmins Family Garden was unveiled. Kate Kennington, Threads of Life’s Manager of Family Support attended the unveiling saying “the garden is creating awareness for families who don’t know Threads of Life exists. It’s a wonderful space that all the community can come and enjoy”.

Threads of Life would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who contributed to support the creation of the Timmins Family Garden. Our sincere thanks to:

For family members who have had someone die due to a workplace tragedy there tends to be a strong sense of need to become that person’s voice. This may appear as a desire to find answers, to learn every detail of what happened and to be as involved as possible throughout the legal process. It may be sharing their story in the hope that others will not have to go through the same devastating experience. For me there has been a need to do right by my husband Rob, from deciding what he would have wanted at his funeral service and wake, to being his advocate for the investigation report about things that I felt were subjective and of course, in the way that I have raised our daughters.

The girls have very few memories of their father as they were only three and five years old when he died. They know him through the stories they have been told and I do believe they feel that they know him. Cameron proudly wears his punk t-shirts from when he was a teenager, uses the same clippers to trim her hair short (although not a mohawk like he had) and has a similar eclectic taste in music. Portia knows she is like him in her quiet reflective ways, her love of reading and her beautiful blue eyes.

A summer road trip to Manitoulin Island was a chance to revisit some memories and create new ones.

I have done my best to keep Rob in the conversation. I like traditions and have recreated new ones to continue to include him. Every fall we go to the Royal Winter Fair. It is around the time of his birthday and he had always loved to attend. Initially the girls didn’t know that was why we went but I did. It has always been my hope that he knows too.

17 years ago when I was expecting our first daughter, Rob and I went to a family reunion on Manitoulin Island. This summer we included the same place as part of our summer road trip. I can’t revisit those memories with Rob but I can with the girls and now we three have made new ones together. We have already decided it will be a new tradition to return every 17 years.

Without question we need to talk about our loved ones.Their physical body is gone however our relationship with them continues and so does our love for them. Often when I talk to a new family they are pleased yet surprised that I want to hear their stories and learn about their family member, not just the tragedy that brought them to Threads of Life. I can tell when someone has been discouraged to even say their loved one’s name. To me that is not moving on or forward or whatever it is that people expect from us. To me it is dishonouring our connection and our ongoing love. It is denying the continued bonds that we need. I can’t imagine being discouraged to talk about Rob and share stories about him. I have been fortunate. I want families to know that at Threads of Life you can share your stories. We will always be here to listen and be a safe place to say their name.

The learn-to-ride motorcycle course started off with a lecture on a Friday evening, in a small, stuffy college classroom. It was the end of the work week and people were tired, but the instructor was obviously an experienced rider and a practical, straight-talking teacher. I may not recall the physics of counter-steering, but I will not forget what he told us about the importance of wearing the right PPE. He had a story about going riding as a young man, wearing just jeans and a t-shirt. For whatever reason, he dumped the bike and after skidding along the shoulder of the road, ended up in the emergency room where the nurses spent hours picking little stones out of his skin. He suggested they weren’t inclined to be that gentle with under-dressed motorcyclists. If I was ever tempted to go out riding without a motorcycle jacket and boots, that story quickly came back to me.

Stories stick with us – that’s one of the philosophies behind our Threads of Life speakers bureau. We believe when our volunteers share their experience, it helps them heal. But it also has the power to change safety cultures.

I know in my heart that is true. There’s also a bit of science behind the ability of a true story to make training memorable.

1. Empathy and cooperation – You’ve probably heard of oxytocin, the brain chemical connected to generosity, love and trust. One study found that hearing a story can cause our brains to release oxytocin, encouraging us to feel empathy with the feelings and behaviour of the people in the story. It makes us want to cooperate. “Stories with emotional content result in a better understanding of the key points a speaker wishes to make and enable better recall of these points weeks later,” the researcher says. “Scientific work is putting a much finer point on just how stories change our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.

2. Memory – Stories also help us remember information. A molecular biologist, John Medina, writes that “when the brain detects an emotionally charged event, the amygdala releases dopamine into the system. Because dopamine greatly aids memory and information processing, you could say it creates a Post It note that reads, ‘Remember this.’” So an emotional real-life story, like the one my motorcycle instructor told, or the ones our Threads of Life speakers share, triggers the brain to flag that information as important.

3. Reality – Health and safety professionals are hard-working, committed people with a difficult job. Week by week, and month by month, they must keep reminding employees of the safe practices and procedures for their jobs. For many workers, the hazards behind those procedures may seem remote. So there’s nothing like a real live person – a parent or child or sibling who could be your next door neighbor – standing in front of you and telling their story, to remind you that the hazards are real. There’s no scientific study to refer to here, but listen to what people say after they’ve heard a real story of workplace tragedy:

“I was able to relate with her, and her stories of growing up with her father really hit home. It made me realize how an event like this can change your life forever.”

“Most of the time, you just hear about these incidents through the news or through social media and then after a few days you may never hear about it again. When you hear the stories about the aftermath of the incidents and see how years later, the families are still trying to cope with the loss, that really sticks with you and definitely makes you think twice before doing something unsafely, and not only to not have yourself injured, but what the effects would have on your family.”

I was talking recently with one of the members of our speakers bureau, Tami Helgeson, who for seven years now has been sharing the story of her son Eric’s death. People who have heard her speak will come up to her months or years later to let her know they remember. Real stories like Tami’s touch hearts and minds, and they stay there.

(Based on Threads of Life Resource Guide for Volunteer Family Guides, from Joanne Overbeck, Dallas TX)

Writing, in any form, can provide a powerful catharsis. It brings up memories and rekindles feelings. Writing helps you revisit emotions that are important for healing, and express and release those feelings on paper. One very helpful tool for those dealing with a loss is detailing a personal loss history. A loss history highlights how you and your loved ones have dealt with past losses.

The information included in the loss history is an indicator for how you will deal with your current loss. Understanding what is normal for you, your loved ones and relatives can be invaluable to your healing.

First, list the losses that have affected you. Include not only deaths, but also divorces, injuries, job losses, illnesses (mental and physical), major moves, etc. Some people find it helpful to plot these on a timeline with your approximate age or the year they happened. Then, look at how you handled each loss. Questions that you could consider include:

Do you make family visits to the cemetery? How often?

Do you remember deceased relatives on their birthdays or the anniversary of their deaths?

Do you ever talk about deceased relatives?

Are you ashamed of an illness or deformity or do you talk about it openly?

Is it okay for family members to be sad? Or is that considered a weakness?

Did you discuss the details of a divorce or did you know not to ask?

What are your family mottos (e.g. “That’s in the past,” “Don’t cry over spilled milk,” “It’s important to remember the dead”)?

By examining the information that comes from the answers, you become aware of and begin thinking about how you view loss. This awareness will help you understand your coping mechanisms. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve – as long as your actions are not destructive – but it may be helpful to know what to expect from yourself and from others. Most of us have blind spots in dealing with our losses.

Many of us would have to think hard to remember the last time we travelled without a cell phone. Some of you may never recall travelling without a cell phone. Today, not only do we have phones in our pockets, but many carry a computer in that phone. Your emails come to you any time of day or night: weekends, sick days or vacation days. The device probably has a browser and you can look up any information you want, wherever you are, whenever you want.

This is summer and we are supposed to take vacations. I hope you do and find time to explore your neighbourhood or various parts of this great country Canada. There is so much to see and do.

You have also likely read that it is healthy to be totally disconnected from your technology for a period of time. Vacation is a good time to do that – to rely on good old-fashioned communication. Yes, you may want your phone handy to use your GPS app; however can you truly turn off your instant messaging, texting, emails and just use it as a piece of equipment to enable you to have a better vacation?

Recently, on our vacation, we camped in a beautiful BC provincial park. We knew it had no hydro or water service to the campsite. We suspected it would be in poor range for cell service. Perfect – we found we had no cell service at all. Well this was a new phenomenon. After setting up camp and having dinner, we sent part of our family on their way back home. Off we went exploring this new park. A couple of hours passed and it crossed my mind that it should be time we received a text that our family arrived home safely and a good night message. I actually didn’t get as far as reaching for my phone, as I did recall that I had turned it off and even turning it on wasn’t going to be of use. Interestingly enough, I found myself with that thought crossing my head a few times those first few days. Not once did I go for the phone, but found I had to remind myself that I was unplugged. Unplugged from hydro, unplugged from my computer, unplugged from my phone. I had to reflect – when was the last time I was this unplugged? I realized it had been several years. We had often gone camping without hydro, but not without at least minimal cell service.

A couple of days later, when we were on a short hike, I tried to explain to my granddaughters that this is the way life used to be. We used to trust. We trusted that when someone left after a visit and said their good-byes, they would arrive home safely. We always said ‘be safe’ or ‘drive safe’ but the theory was ‘no news is good news’. I did have to attempt to explain that theory, using a variety of examples to these young girls, before they seemed to grasp what I was saying. I received these sort of strange looks. Then I shared – well if there is really news that we truly need to know this week, your parents will contact the park warden or the police will come or some family member or friend will come with a message.

Seems like for many those days of trusting that ‘no news is good news’ are gone. However, for all of those camping in these remote areas we all agreed – what a good thing to be unplugged. By mid-week, I was no longer giving much thought to wondering how many emails may be arriving, etc. I did trust they would all be there when I turned my electronic device back on. Sure enough they all were.

A day or two likely doesn’t do it – at least according to everything I have read and reviewed. That time is probably not long enough to totally give your brain a break. Whether you travel for vacation, go to a cottage or stay home, try a week – or even more – of unplugged vacation (even the TV). You may find it refreshing. At least turn off as much as you possibly can.

When lost in the depths of grief it can seem impossible to go on, to get through another day let alone the next hour. Even the next five minutes. Somehow we have to push through, to keep going, to manage. We have to cope. Somehow.

There are many things we can do to cope and some are healthy while others are not. Like with habits, bad coping can be much less effort than good coping. It may even bring a moment of feeling good, albeit short-lived. Grief work is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life and those emotions can be overwhelming and frightening. It is no wonder that many people will do almost anything to avoid facing their grief.

Society places a lot of pressure on families impacted by a workplace tragedy. Our mainstream culture is one that is grief and death avoidant. There is an expectation for you to be happy again, to ‘get over it’, to return to being your ‘normal’ self. It does feel good to laugh again, to remember earlier days when life was different and sometimes substances or behaviours seem to bring that relief. However the progression from occasional recreational use of substances or activities as a reward or social time through to more frequent use to ‘take the edge off’ can soon lead to a loss of choice as the desire becomes a compulsion.

Addictions take many forms and some may surprise you. They can be a substance, like alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, prescription medications or caffeine. Addictions can also be an activity, such as exercise, gambling, sex, self-harm, food, shopping, work, the internet and yes, even Facebook. The end result is the same, short-term pleasure that provides an escape from the pain. Over time it becomes a need not a want. The urge for the activity or substance becomes more and more powerful as a way to not have to face what is happening. It will interfere with their ability to look after ordinary responsibilities. Often the person is not truly aware that a line has been crossed. That they have become an addict.

Considering that the addict may not be aware of their addiction, family members may not realize it either. Signs of addiction vary greatly and can be physical, behavioural or psychological. They may include changes in behaviour, relationship difficulties, challenges with daily functions, weight gain or loss, sleep difficulties, isolation, mood swings, unusual need for money or lack of concern for personal appearance and hygiene.

Because addiction is considered a taboo subject it is still not talked about openly and is a cause of shame and guilt for both the addict and their family. This needs to change. We need to be able to talk about it. The more you know the better you can understand.

Ultimately, the only person who can change and stop the addictive behaviours is the addict themselves. They need to recognize what they are doing and make a choice. Not family, friends or professionals can force this on anyone. If the addict doesn’t believe that there is a problem then change will not happen. Truly they are the only one who can cure themselves.

For families who are already grieving, dealing with addictions is like another loss and complicates relationships and the ability to heal from the initial loss. And that just delays healing. Addictions can tear apart a family already reeling.

Our Volunteer Family Guides are not trained counsellors meant to deal with addiction issues. They are peers who are able to offer a compassionate ear and willing to stay in the ‘messy places’ with you to talk and explore those strong and sometimes scary emotions. Those feelings are overwhelming but less so with a companion who gets it. (If you’d like to be paired with a Volunteer Family Guide, contact me at kkennington@threadsoflife.ca).

But there may be times when having someone to listen is not enough, when further support or intervention is needed. Fortunately there is help available. Making that ask may be the first step to recovery.