He knew that the OP was cooking dinner and she and the kids wanted a day off from his family, but he told her, basically at the last minute, "Oh, we're going to be with them, hurry it up" and went over there regardless of her or the kids' feelings.

I think the fact that you didn't throw the roast beast at him proves you are the better person.

He's a clod, and it doesn't sound like he's trying to reconcile. I'd hit him with Zilla's comments and make it real clear that he's running out of chances.

my way of saying it is "dude, this needs to change while i still care. once i no longer care, it's game over."

CindyLoo, i applaud you for trying. for all of these years. i know you still care. but your husband needs to know that you're not going to care for too much longer.

I love the bolded for situations like this. I'm one of the people who when they say they're done are completely and utterly DONE! Can't tell you how surprised guys are when promising the moon does nothing after I've packed up their stuff. Change needs to happen while I still care! After that it does nothing, because I've lost all respect for you!

Logged

Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

The situation is frustrating. MIL and SIL are endlessly upset with me for what they see as "etiquette infractions" and slights, yet they are constantly throwing the rules out of the window themselves. Apparently SIL is also upset that I didn't contact her when BIL was deployed last spring and offer support. Well, if someone defriends you on FB and says "I don't want to talk to you", I call that being given the cut direct. I thought I was following her wishes! Apparently I am supposed to be a mind reader too. Ironically, my SIL and MIL (and even FIL) have committed some of the worst etiquette violations I have ever witnessed, period. Tantrums during Christmas dinner, threatening to disown a child over a golf game, fake gift-grab weddings (SIL had actually been married for 8 months when she had her BWW), endless command appearances at their behest, disregarding my parental requests, complaints that I don't always answer the phone when they call (apparently I am expected to leave my children to drown in the tub when MIL wants to chat). The (very large) extended family is full of such stories as well. My family isn't perfect, but we just don't have this level of drama. I used to think it was an American thing (I'm British) but now I see it's just ridiculous and soul-sucking.

I have been thrown under the bus repeatedly by DH when it comes to his family. This is not our only problem, but a HUGE part of the issues we have. There have been literally years of faux-pas that I have been atoning for in the eyes of his family (how do you think I ended up on Ehell?) I called him on it the other night, and he agreed with me. Apparently, even his SIL agreed with me! But then last night I asked him for some help with the kids this AM (I hurt my foot and I'm having a hard time getting around). He was angry that I would suggest he doesn't help out with the kids, yet he really doesn't do very much - he's kind of delusional in that regard. He PROMISED he would help me because I am limping around - yet halfway through getting the kids ready he got on the phone and made a breakfast date with a client. So clearly we need some major professional counseling, because he still just doesn't get it.

Agreed. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I think it a good sign that you are recognising the issues, but it is a shame your husband has been brought up to believe his FOO can do no wrong.

The situation is frustrating. MIL and SIL are endlessly upset with me for what they see as "etiquette infractions" and slights, yet they are constantly throwing the rules out of the window themselves. Apparently SIL is also upset that I didn't contact her when BIL was deployed last spring and offer support. Well, if someone defriends you on FB and says "I don't want to talk to you", I call that being given the cut direct. I thought I was following her wishes! Apparently I am supposed to be a mind reader too. Ironically, my SIL and MIL (and even FIL) have committed some of the worst etiquette violations I have ever witnessed, period. Tantrums during Christmas dinner, threatening to disown a child over a golf game, fake gift-grab weddings (SIL had actually been married for 8 months when she had her BWW), endless command appearances at their behest, disregarding my parental requests, complaints that I don't always answer the phone when they call (apparently I am expected to leave my children to drown in the tub when MIL wants to chat). The (very large) extended family is full of such stories as well. My family isn't perfect, but we just don't have this level of drama. I used to think it was an American thing (I'm British) but now I see it's just ridiculous and soul-sucking.

I have been thrown under the bus repeatedly by DH when it comes to his family. This is not our only problem, but a HUGE part of the issues we have. There have been literally years of faux-pas that I have been atoning for in the eyes of his family (how do you think I ended up on Ehell?) I called him on it the other night, and he agreed with me. Apparently, even his SIL agreed with me! But then last night I asked him for some help with the kids this AM (I hurt my foot and I'm having a hard time getting around). He was angry that I would suggest he doesn't help out with the kids, yet he really doesn't do very much - he's kind of delusional in that regard. He PROMISED he would help me because I am limping around - yet halfway through getting the kids ready he got on the phone and made a breakfast date with a client. So clearly we need some major professional counseling, because he still just doesn't get it.

You are really in such a tough situation. I hope that you manage to get your husband to counselling.

I'm so sorry this happened to you on Christmas. I also think your husband, based on what you've told us here, is primarily at fault. He could have stood up to his family and said No, we are having dinner at 4 - please comve over at 4:30.And really, why did they need to stop by when you'd seen them ALL WEEKEND?

Which leads me to this point: In order to work things out with your husband, he may need to distance himself from his family. Honestly, it sounds like his family butts in way too much on this issue, one that is really none of their business. Your MIL, especially, needs to understand that this is not her fight and she needs to keep her feelings about your marriage to herself. She's making things worse between you and DH by doing things like taking offense to your choice of address labels (total non-issue btw). I would go so far as to say that if and when you and DH work things out, he still distance himself from his family, at least more than he is now. This is between you and your DH - it is none of your in-laws' business.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I married DH was that what went on in our marriage stayed there. No calling my parents and complaining about things he had said or done. The reason is that I am married to him and I will forgive him for these minor day-to-day transgressions, but my parents wouldn't. They would end-up disliking him and resenting him.

Does your DH complain about you to his parents and sister? If so, he needs to stop immediately. They must not be privy to your daily interactions-it is none of their business and only complicates an already complicated situation.

I think sometimes posters are too quick to recommending counseling on this board, but in your case I have to agree with them. Good Luck and I hope you are able to work this out while you still care.

So, trying to be a good sport I said "how about 4:30?" It would mean we would have 30 mins to eat, but our kids are small and not likely to sit for longer than that. No dice, in-laws are eating at 5pm and it has to be 4pm.

You probably realize this, but you shouldn't have even offered 4:30. That was your one day for in-law-free time, and they wanted to descend on you in the middle of dinner? Half an hour is not a lot of time to enjoy a special holiday meal.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible. We're eating at 4.""Well they have to come at 4 as they are eating at 5.""Well then I guess the timing is not going to work. We'll see them tomorrow."

This kind of bullying strikes a nerve with me because it's exactly how my PA BIL gets his way too. I've posted about him before. Everything has to revolve around HIS schedule, because, "It has to be at 4, because I have X at 5" and then if anyone says 4 doesn't work, he finds a way to make the alternative very undesirable for everyone else involved, so that everyone else agrees to his demands at great inconvenience to them, to avoid the Undesirable Alternative. I always want to say to him, "OK, go do your thing at 5, too bad we won't see you at our event" but the problem is I'll alienate my sister.

But I digress; I agree with the PP's that you probably can't work out your relationship with your in-laws (they sound bat poo crazy) but your husband needs to understand that unless he's willing to let go of those apron strings and take a stand for you, it's never going to work.

Holidays seem to be one day that daily meals are eaten at X, Y, and Z time are thrown out the window by 'tradition', or for some what works best. My family tradition was nibbles at noon and early (like 4) dinner. My in-laws vary between that and what ever time works best for those arriving that day.

So I'm always cautious when I call someone to wish them a "merry Christmas" since I might catch them at dinner.

OP, your hubby may not see what he is doing, or he might be giving in to where he gets the greatest pressure, but I do hope you two are able to get in to counseling. A neutral person may be the only way he really hears that this is messed up priorities.

I wouldn't expect that someone would be eating dinner, even Christmas dinner, at 4pm. Or even 4:30.

(However, *I* wouldn't descend on someone period, and especially not for their family Christmas day.)

Ours was at 3:30 this year. We only have one big meal on holidays (usually a late breakfast around 9ish, then dinner begins sometime between 2-4 p.m. (no lunch). In my whole life, I've never had Christmas dinner in the evening.

I wouldn't expect that someone would be eating dinner, even Christmas dinner, at 4pm. Or even 4:30.

(However, *I* wouldn't descend on someone period, and especially not for their family Christmas day.)

Ours was at 3:30 this year. We only have one big meal on holidays (usually a late breakfast around 9ish, then dinner begins sometime between 2-4 p.m. (no lunch). In my whole life, I've never had Christmas dinner in the evening.

My FIL once made a mistake with the oven timer, which meant the turkey was ready at 7:30am...

CindyLouWho, your husband's family sounds just staggeringly self-absorbed. I'm glad you have come to realize that their craziness is not common to all Americans. Yes, I think you and DH would benefit from seeing a counselor. It sounds like he is just unable to see things clearly and that is going to continue to be a problem unless he can learn how to see things from your perspective. Good luck and (((hugs)))!