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Neighbors has yet to hit theaters, but director Nicholas Stoller and star Seth Rogen are already planning their next collaboration. In a conversation with SlashFilm, Stoller revealed that he's working on a 1940s-set buddy cop comedy to star Rogen and the busiest man in comedy, Kevin Hart, as "the first interracial police partners in history." The film will follow the two cops as they learn to deal with one another and bust jazz musicians for marijuana possession. The director further described the project as "kind of a Baz Luhrmann world mixed with Tarantino," which we're interpreting to mean a spectacular period piece with plenty of gore.
Both Rogen and Hart are ideal choices for the film, as they already have experience upholding the law (Rogen teamed up with Bill Hader in 2007's Superbad, while Hart's partner in this year's Ride Along was Ice Cube) and they're both proven box office draws, having starred in some of the biggest comedies of the last decade. However, pairing the two up for this film is something of a surprise, as neither one of them is known for playing the straight man. Can a buddy comedy even work without a straight man?
After all, buddy cop films all tend to follow a strict formula: one cop is the well-mannered and straight-laced decorated officer, tasked with following the rules and keeping his partner in line. The other is the wild card, prone to bouts of violence or hysteria, and likely to shoot first and ask questions later. It's what makes Murtaugh and Riggs work so well together, what makes Ashburn and Mullins so funny, what makes the idea of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg starring in a film together plausible. There's a reason that "good cop/bad cop" has become such a well-known pop culture trope.
The buddy cop formula works because the structure of their relationship allows the writers and actors to go crazy, and find the humor in the way these two opposites deal with each other. We know that by the end of the film, the straight man will have loosened up and the wild card will have learned to play by the rules, but watching them get there is where the fun happens. But since neither Rogen nor Hart is known for being a straight man, it means this project upends the dynamic that we've all become so familiar with.
Rogen and Hart have each developed a shtick that makes them instantly recognizable onscreen. Rogen is the laid-back, lazy stoner who would rather play video games than actually get work done and Hart is the loud-mouthed, wannabe alpha dog, prone to letting his ego get him into trouble. Each character needs someone to balance him out and keep the plot moving. They're both characters that are best handled with moderation, there to deliver plenty of jokes, but capable of being reeled in when it becomes too much to handle.
However, their characters are different enough from each other that their dynamic might not need a straight man to proceed. They're already opposites: Hart is hyper, high-strung, and fast-talking, where Rogen is laid-back, unfazed by everything and constantly mumbling. And so the film would still be able to mine their differences for jokes. If the script plays up Hart's predilection to dive headfirst into scenarios against Rogen's unwillingness to get off the sofa, it could help lay the groundwork for a central conflict. But the threat of their shtick overstaying its welcome still looms over the film, without a straight man to help balance things out. Even 21 Jump Street, which allows both Jenko and Schmidt to go wild and be incredibly weird brings at least one of them back to the center from tiem to time, in order to keep the film on track.
Most likely, Rogen will take on the role, and the script will make some callbacks to his stoner persona. He's played a similar role in films like Pinapple Express and Funny People, where he's been the more reserved half of a comedy duo, and since he's also got a few more dramatic roles under his belt, he should be able to tap into his more serious side pretty easily. Rogen's typical character is also much closer to the realm of a straight man than Hart's is, as the latter has almost always played a wild-card role onscreen. And since his recent Saturday Night Live stint often had him ground many of the sketches, it seems as if Rogen is warming up for a big screen run as the straight man.
As to whether anyone will actually buy Rogen as a buttoned-up, by-the-book cop? Well, we'll just have to wait and see.
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Showcase
This is the first Bo-centric episode of the season. Anna Silk is back from maternity leave and feistier than ever. “Lovers. Apart.” is surprising because it focuses on characters that rarely get their own storylines. Lauren (Zoe Palmer) is still in hiding. Meanwhile, Evony the Morrigan (Emmanuelle Vaugier) is back with a vengeance. It looks like this episode, is focused on the Bo/Dyson/Lauren threesome and where they all are in the wake of Bo’s disappearance last season.
Bo &amp; Dyson
The episode begins with Dyson (Kris Holden-Ried) and Clio (Mia Kirshner) on the train having just missed Bo. It’s unclear where in the infinite number of dimensions Bo could end up jumping off a moving inter-dimensional train but that will not be explained later. Dyson is suffering from transcendental sickness which happens to normal people who dimension jump. Apparently, there are no booster shots, so consider this before making any trips to the fourth dimension. Clio is able to heal him and use a piece of Bo’s dress to track her.
Bo, loopy from hanging with Dr. Who, lands in an empty cabin in the woods. The house belongs to Ian Jenkins (Lochlyn Munro) a family man with a daughter, Julia (Chloe Rose), who is a bizarro version of Kenzi. It turns out this family has a secret. Bo tries to save bizarro Kenzi from her father who bears a disturbing resemblance to Scott Peterson. However, as usual, Bo is mistaken.
It turns out a body jumping Fae cleverly named Jumbee, is trying to kill every member of the Jenkins family. Bo leads bizarro Kenzi right to her. As ususal, Bo is conveniently rescued by Dyson. Bo, ridden with guilt, tries to stop Jumbee so she gets succubus-ing. When she steals some chi she ends up face-to-face with the mortal Jumbee (Neema Bickersteth). It turns out she was thought to be a witch, she’s actually an elemental Fae. She and her interracial lover are murdered and separated. Dyson and Cleo find their remains and Dyson and Bo recite wedding vows to put Jumbee’s soul at peace.
It’s a great moment for Team Dyson fans to see Bo and Dyson finally together. They may be part of a throuple with Lauren but something just feels so right about Bo with Dyson because they fell in love in the first episode. It’s also worth noting that Lost Girl does not shy away from diversity and having Jumbee as part of an interracial couple. Although, it would be helpful for the audience to know what time period she’s from. It seems to have elements that could tie it to slavery or colonial times which isn’t particularly clear. #missedopportunity
Clio inevitably betrays Dyson. However, Bo’s fried brain was healed by Jumbee so she royally kicks Clio’s ass because they don’t need her anymore. Apparently, unbeknownst to the audience, they’ve been on Earth in our dimension this whole time. It seems weird that no one took issue with Jumbee being a Fae and mating with a human.
Lauren
Meanwhile, at the Lace-front Diner, poorly-wigged Lauren is connecting with fellow waitress, Crystal (Ali Liebert). The two ladies bond, mostly because Crystal wants to get freaky with Lauren and in a huge surprise, she actually gets to. This is a new Lauren who isn’t scared to get a little wild. However, Lauren does get scared by a call to the diner so she hits the road. Crystal surprises her in her car and betrays her. However, in a bizarre twist of fate, Dyson and Bo drive right by not realizing Lauren is getting kidnapped. Oh Snap!
The Morrigan
Evony is back with a random eye patch. It looks like now she’s the MoRRRigan now. #badpiratejokes She looks like she has a renewed sense of purpose after being enslaved by Vex. She kills a few people with her power to inspire people to turn into puddles. She gets Massimo the Druid (Tim Rozon) to give her a new eye and reveals that they have a long history. Does this mean she will take advantage and take over Kenzi’s drug debt?
Best Lines of the Night
Bitch, I think your brain broke. - Bizarro Kenzi
When you’ve been in power as long as I have, everyone’s a child. -Evony
Don’t disappoint me like Chanel Number Goo, did. -Evony
[My Boots] might make this homeless person’s nightey thing your rocking look like an actual fashion choice. -Bizarro Kenzi about Bo’s Damaged Outfit
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Columbia Pictures
The opening scene of American Hustle — a loud, loquacious, upper-fueled romp through the avenues of high stakes swindling — plays somewhat like a Buster Keaton short. We watch a schlubby Christian Bale fumble (with as much delicacy as someone can, in fact, fumble) with a greasy combover and a dime store toupee, laughing at the small scale physical comedy and learning more than you'd expect about Bale's con man character Irving Rosenfeld before we even meet him or hear him speak.
But there is nary a silent moment in the two-and-half hours to follow. Its people speak in explosions. The passions are dialed all the way up between Irv, his accomplice and girlfriend Sydney Prosser (Amy Adams), and the venemous FBI agent (Bradley Cooper) who rangles the pair into the biggest heist of their career. There's no tranquility in the waters of their high-stakes operation to take down a New Jersey mayor, the Italian mob, and quite possibly a few of the dirtier suits in Congress. When things proceed like clockwork, we're talking diving pendulums and cuckoo birds darting from every crevice. Naturally, it's all the more fun when things go awry.
And, of course they do. It wouldn't be a heist movie without a few cogs springing loose. But the beauty of American Hustle is in its undoing. From start to finish, Irv and Sydney are pros at the game. They leave no stone unturned in pulling the wool over the eyes of every deadbeat, mafioso, and active senator that finds his unlucky way into their eyeline. Even the misguided improvisations of Cooper's control freak lawman don't serve to uproot the plans from their course. We don't suffer through a dropping of their guard or an overlooking of important details. Everything that goes wrong in this movie is embedded in character.
The follies, screw-ups, and mutinies are all emotionally charged, inspired by romantic rivalry, ego, flights of affection, and the ribald distate that so many of these people have for each other. Everything in this big, flashy, high-stakes movie is personal. It's a toxic, burning love/hate/envy/longing/attraction/friendship/enmity between every conceivable pairing in this dynamic cast of rich, strong, uproarious characters that fuels the movie and drags down the scheme at its center.
Columbia Pictures
And just about everyone we meet is dragged into the maniacal nucleus by the arms of anxious passion. Irv's spitfire wife Rosalyn (Jennifer Lawrence) outranks the lot of her company in the screws-loose department, stirring the pot of her unfaithful husband's business dealings as soon as she crosses the threshold into his world. The psychopathically dutiful Richie (Cooper) sees anyone who tries to temper his occupational obsessions as the enemy, even his pragmatic Midwesterner boss (Louis C.K.). And at the head of the race is Carmine Polito (Jeremy Renner), unaware of his place in this tremendous game but coursing at top speeds on an engine of his democratic heart nonetheless. The characters are all operating at 11, and most of the actors are able to keep up.
As Irv, a uniquely undesirable Bale is a laugh every minute. We enter this world through him — a world of accessible lies, of rough-and-tumble New York streets, of Long Island parties, of Duke Ellington, of hairpieces, of dry cleaners, of only conning the men you can stomach the idea of laying to waste — and have a terrific time walking in his footsteps. Always just out of reach is Adams as Sydney, who cons herself just as often as she does Richie, Irv, and the poor saps who fall for her seductive act. Bale and Adams are the standouts of the cast — playing their hearts on their sleeves and tucked away tightly, respectively — so it's good fortune that most of our time is spent with one or the other.
The power players from director David O. Russell's last effort, Cooper and Lawrence, shine a bit dimmer here — Cooper plays Richie as petulant, misguided, and teetering on the edge, but he's undercooked beside the far meatier material presented by Bale and Adams. Lawrence, while not without her moments, never seems to commit altogether to the loon that is Rosalyn, alternating between too reserved and too outlandish to really make the character feel like somebody. But the biggest surprise of the lot might be Renner, who has more fun as his Jersey boy Carmine than he ever has onscreen. But in earnest, some credit goes to the hair.
It's the electricity of American Hustle that keeps its long narrative from dragging. We have fun with the characters, the performances, and the colorful world itself. The movie never insists that we feel anything beyond that, but offers a few bites of some authentic empathy for Irv and his kind nonetheless. So we can dip into the bustling character work that Bale and Adams are mastering, Cooper is handling, and Lawrence is just falling shy of delivering on, but we're free to latch onto the life preserver of this movie's output of comedy. There's so much to laugh at in American Hustle, and some wonderfully molded characters to do all your laughing with.
4/5
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Acclaimed British songwriter Charlotte Gordon Cumming had a life-saving kidney transplant after she nearly died from eating poisonous wild mushrooms. The 55 year old, who is married to The Horse Whisperer author Nicholas Evans, almost lost her life after her partner accidentally picked a batch of deadly webcaps from a forest and served them up during dinner in 2008.
She was left in need of dialysis treatment after suffering kidney failure and had to undergo a transplant operation, and her writer husband underwent similar surgery in 2011 after his daughter Lauren donated an organ.
Cumming now admits they are both lucky to be alive, telling Britain's Daily Record newspaper, "To get to the other side of the transplant and to feel well again is simply extraordinary. I can truly say I feel immensely grateful."
The kidney was donated by Cumming's friend, Serena Tucker, and she credits her pal with saving her life, adding, "Serena has given me a second chance at life... I can't put into words what it feels like when someone steps up like that because they really are saving your life. I am humbled and blessed."

I never thought someone with a name like Walter Mitty could give me goosebumps... until now.
20th Century Fox, along with producer, director, and star Ben Stiller, brings us the magnificent first trailer for The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty. A remake of 1947's like-titled musical fantasy told by Danny Kale, the film follows the title character (played by Stiller) who escapes his mundane life by living vicariously through his daydreams. It's not until his job and the job of the co-worker he pines for (played by Kristen Wiig) are on the line that he embarks on the adventure of a lifetime.
Beautifully accompanied by Of Monsters And Men's "Dirty Paws," the trailer also features a ruggedly handsome Sean Penn and office bully Adam Scott. The cast is rounded out by the talented Shirley MacLaine, Kathryn Hahn, and Patton Oswalt.
Let's be honest: we already knew Stiller's blue steel pose was the epitome of perfection. But with no real history of directing a deep story under his belt (unless you count Robert Downey Jr.'s struggle for racial identity in Tropic Thunder), it was hard to believe he could create anything with a title that doesn't include the word "Fockers."
This isn't Night At The Museum, folks. Leave the presents under the tree and rush to the movies instead when The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty opens on Christmas Day.
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How can you tell if someone is a sociopath? It’s an intriguing yet terrifying question that many of us have never had to consider. However, after tuning in to tonight’s sneak peek of episode of the new ABC Family drama Twisted, you’ll never look at your family and friends the same way again.
Following the heart-pounding Season 4 premiere of Pretty Little Liars, stay tuned to catch the entire first episode of Twisted — an hourlong murder mystery thriller that will make you gasp from disbelief and shriek, then sigh contentedly because you’ve found your next new favorite show. To get you as excited as we are, Hollywood.com chatted with star Maddie Hasson to bring you five terrifyingly fun reasons why Twisted will quickly become your newest TV obsession.
1. If You Love Pretty Little Liars… You’ll absolutely adore Twisted. Set in the small east coast town of Green Grove, a murder — or should we say murders — devastates the community and it’s nearly impossible to tell who can be trusted. “I think fans of Pretty Little Liars would love Twisted,” Hasson says. “It has that dramatic element that Pretty Little Liars perfects in all their episodes, where you never know what’s going to happen next.”
But the mysteries that plague Green Grove are completely different from the black-hoodie events we've watched in Rosewood. The actress explains that Twisted captures the essence of all ABC Family's shows, but presents it in a way we’ve never seen before. “There’s tons of twists and turns, and every episode is going to leave you thinking, 'I have no idea what could possibly happen next!'” she says.
2. The Ultimate Bad Boy: Twisted centers on Danny Desai (Avan Jogia) and believe us when we say that you’ve never met a bad boy quite like this before. Danny is a teen with a troubled past who returns to Green Grove after spending a good majority of his youth in juvenile hall. Although we cannot reveal exactly why Danny was locked away in Juvie for so many years, we can tell you that it’s a jaw-dropping, throat-clutching, can’t believe ABC Family let this one slide answer. In short: it’s terrifyingly twisted. “Oh! We’re going for it!” Hasson teases. All we can say is you need to watch tonight’s episode, because you wouldn’t believe us even if we told you!
3. Three Lovely Ladies: Way back in the simple yet splendid days of middle school, Danny, Jo (Hasson) and Lacey (Kylie Bunbury) were best friends — but now many years and one horrific experience later, the three have drifted apart. Hasson explains that the two former lady besties have now become polar opposites of one another. “They both really just went to opposite ends of the spectrum, personality-wise. Lacey became this popular outgoing person,” she says. “And Jo became super reclusive. She dresses really grungy and she likes to keep to herself and is very solemn in the first episode.”
Adding to the mix is Regina (Karyn Moore), Lacey’s closest friend in the popular clique. Hasson explains, “Regina is probably the sassiest and her character is really vivacious and cool. You’re going to love this character because she is hilarious in literally every scene.” And if you’re guessing that ABC Family is laying the groundwork for some potential love triangles then you would be very correct. Hasson teases, “It’s really possible that it could go there, they all have really individual strong bonds with each other so I feel like it could definitely cross that line at some point.”
4. Hot Mama: Two words: Denise Richards. That’s right the Wild Things star is ready to unleash her inner Stepford Wife as the mother of our troubled protagonist Danny. Richard plays Karen Ryder and Hasson describes her as a Real Housewife of Green Grove. “She is really good at putting on a good face. She would be great at giving interviews or being a politician,” Hasson says of Richards' character.
From an outsider looking in, it would appear that Karen is thrilled to have her son back home, however appearances can be twisted into hiding one’s true feelings. “I’m not even sure of her feelings on it honestly,” Hasson says. “Her character is that good at concealing what she’s feeling. [Karen] is one of the most mysterious characters in this show.” Hmm, and so the plot thickens!
5. Worth the Wait: By now you should be jumping up and down with anticipation for tonight’s episode — but keep in mind, future Twisted lovers, this is just the beginning! The series will leave you craving more more and this season will be a truly Twisted journey.
“The last scene leaves you with such a cliffhanger that it’s really mean of them to do this,” teases the 18-year-old actress. “I haven’t even gotten the second script yet and I’m dying and waiting to see what happens next. After the last scene you’re going to want to see where the relationship between Danny and Lacey and Jo goes. It’s on the edge of being something more with each of their characters, but you’ll have to watch what happens next.”
Don't miss the series premiere of Twisted tonight at 9 PM on ABC Family.
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Two veterans of the Bosnian War, one American and one Serbian, clash in the remote wilderness in the newest movie by the director of Ghost Rider and Daredevil. Starring Robert De Niro and John Travolta, Killing Season tests the physical and psychological strengths of two foes settling the score in their own personal World War III.
The above trailer pits the two Hollywood mainstays against one another, perhaps reinstating some of De Niro's old gravitas while offering a new look at Travolta. Check it out, and catch the movie in theaters July 12.
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Tim Lambesis, lead singer of the Christian metalcore band As I Lay Dying, was arrested in Oceanside, Calif. May 7 in a wild murder-for-hire sting orchestrated by several law enforcement agencies, the San Diego County Sheriff's Department said in a statement. They say Lambesis, 32, solicited an undercover detective to kill his estranged wife, Meggan, for him. The couple separated in September 2012 according to papers filed in the San Diego Superior Court. The Sheriff's Department got a tip several days before the sting that Lambesis was allegedly seeking a hitman.
As I Lay Dying's record label, Metal Blade, could not be reached for comment, and it's unclear whether Lambesis has acquired legal representation.
Often described as a "Christian metal band," As I Lay Dying has released six albums since forming in 2000. Lambesis was one of the founding members. In 2008, they received a Grammy nomination for Best Metal Performance for the song "Nothing Left" off their album An Ocean Between Us. The name of the band is not only a tip of the hat to the classic 1930 William Faulkner novel but meant to symbolize the heavenly transcendence that comes from death, according to Christian theology.
A court date for Lambesis has not yet been set.
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In the Season 3 finale of A&amp;E’s reality hit Duck Dynasty, fans were treated to something we’ve never seen before: The Robertsons on vacation. Complete with floral shirts, fruity drinks and a sarong that looked so right, our flock did their best to unwind and have some fun on their Hawaiian getaway.
In between the clan's jungle tour and Jason Bourne movie marathon, we at Hollywood.com realized that that the Robertsons are actually like heavily bearded life coaches. They live their lives to the fullest and drop plenty of weird yet relatable nuggets of information along the way. So to help you pass the time until the Season 4 premiere, we present the eight most ridiculous (yet profound) words of wisdom from The Robertsons on vacation.
Si, on Why The Movie Ted Was Horrible For Society: "What is this world coming to when we cant even count on teddy bears to give us wholesome entertainment? He was cussing and doing drugs and junk! The next thing you know the Care Bears are going to start gangs and you’ve got Teddy Ruxpin doing drugs with Paddington. We’ve got Winnie the Pooh sticking up a store yelling, 'Hey! Hand over the honey, nice and slow or the Piglet gets it.'"
Jase, on The Benefits of Having a Beard: "The beard is the piggy bank of the human anatomy. It’s like a taste savings account, you go revisit it later."
Phil, on Why Jason Bourne is The Absolute Best: "Jason Bourne: He’s kind of a cross between MacGyver and James Bond. He’s got every kind of jujitsu known to man. He’s able to live off the things he finds in the woods — he’s my kind of man. Jason Bourne: The Ultimate Redneck. He’s kind of like the son you never had."
Si, on Technology: "Forget it, you’re not going to teach this old dog new tricks, but you can bring an old dog new toys."
Willie, on Trying New Adventures: "My rule of thumb is I’ll only allow myself to fall four times while doing anything. Anything more than that, you’re just being an idiot. Okay six… six times and that’s it."
Si, on The Human Anatomy: "Sometimes nature calls and when it calls you’ve got to answer it — like when the phone rings, hey you pick it up. It’s nature, the call of the wild, you can’t stop dogs from barking and you can’t stop whales from swimming and you can’t stop me from whizzing."
Jase, on Finding The Perfect Gift: "Do not give me any gifts if you cannot handle to truth of what I think about it because I’m going to tell you."
Si, on Packing For Vacations: "When I get told to bring appropriate attire, hey that’s what I do. If I was heading to Miami I’d have a white sports coat and a pink T-shirt. Dallas? It’d be a big ten gallon cowboy hat and a belt buckle. For Hawaii it’s a Tigers hat and a flowery red shirt. It’s like I said before, you’ve got to blend in with the culture."
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Oh em Glee! I literally just finished this weeks’ all-new episode. My mind is a whirlwind, my heart is pounding, and inspired by the episode, I’m currently wearing a tiara. (Side-Note: I love my job.) “Feud” was filled with so many amazing moments that it’s arguably one of the best episodes of the season. Get excited Glee-bees, because I’m about to fill you in on everything you may have missed (and more!) from “Feud.”
So Here’s What You Missed On Glee
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(Former) Student v. Teacher: The episode opens and we see three stern-faced Glee seniors — Artie, Tina and Blaine — sitting in front of Will and Finn recalling the tension-filed moments they’ve witnessed over the past few weeks. From an unnecessary coffee run, to making Finn fetch his vests from the dry cleaner, and then belittling his former best man in front of the entire Glee club — It’s clear that Will is still absolutely furious at Finn for kissing Emma. (Side-Note: Okay yes, I acknowledge the fact that kissing someone’s fiancé is not okay, but we know that it wasn’t done out of passion or malice — Finn just freaked out and didn’t know what to do. If I was hysterically panicking and a hottie kissed me on the lips, that’d definitely do the trick.)
Finn finally explodes, “I can’t take it any more! It’s bad enough you’re treating me like your lackey but I’m not going to sit here while you fake compliment Ryder just to hurt me!” (Side-Note: I love how Finn hesitated before he kicked over that music stand. You know that when Glee club rehearsal ended, he probably just snuck back in there and picked up all the papers, and put them back in a nice stack because he’s sweet like that.) The seniors declare that for the first time in Glee club history the students are giving the teachers an assignment: epic musical feuds!
In the auditorium, Will is determined to take his aggression out through song, but Finn has a better, more mature suggestion: “We could just talk.” Will finally agrees saying that the only reason he put Finn in charge of the glee club is because he took pity on him. Will snarls, “So I put all this trust in you so you could get back on your feet and what do you do? You betray me in the worst way possible… so start thinking of some of the nastiest music feuds you can come up with because we are doing this assignment, and I’m going to kick your ass.” (Side-Note: Did anyone else just get kinda hot and bothered? No? Just me? Okay then…)
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Will and Finn have decided to portray two of the 90’s hottest feuding boy-bands: ‘N Sync and The Backstreet Boys. As the music starts, the girls go wild, and the two former friends launch into a mashup of “Bye Bye Bye” and “I Want It That Way.” (Side-Note: My ovaries are currently on overdrive. ‘90s music, mixed with angry Mr. Schue and smooth-moves Finn? Swoon is definitely an understatement right now.) The song ends and Finn is ready to hug out their differences but Will is not ready to let go. So Finn decides to be the bigger man and kindly says, “For whatever it’s worth, thanks for everything.”
At night, Finn is clearing out his things from his office and Marley shows up to give him a card and to thank him for everything he has done for her. She then bluntly says the best advice ever, “Dude, you really need to grow a pair.” Marley encourages Finn to ignore the fact that Mr. Schue does not want him to teach the glee club anymore. She says if he really wants to be a teacher, then the answer is clear: go be one. (Side-Note: Attention Finn-lovers! I think our fella may have finally just realized his dream. Cue the applause!)
NEXT: A Cheertastrophy and Internet Insanity!
A Cheertastrophy: Coach Sue calls Blaine into her office and reveals that when he joined the cheerios earlier that year — for one episode that is — he signed a contract. Although the signature is a fake, Sue claims that she needs a “shining, non-threatening gay to hoist up some of the most gorgeous girls in America, over his head, have a birds-eye view of their baby oven and not be remotely interested.”
Blaine politely declines the offer and the camera finally pans over to reveal that Tina has been sitting there the whole time. She politely tells Sue, “If you need me back, I guess I can do it.” Unfortunately for Tina, Sue quickly squashes her suggestion snapping, “You’re dismissed, go find a new boyfriend maybe Lance Bass is available or RuPaul.” (Side-Note: Oh my gosh I feel so bad but I can’t stop laughing! I love Tina so much and even though I’m giggling right now, I’m still beyond bummed that she hasn’t really had the spotlight this season.)
Sue tells Blaine that if he does not re-join the Cheerios then she is going to make his life a living hell — and she means it! Not only does Sue gift Blaine, with cement-based hair gel, she also stole his identity, ruined his credit, and worst of all she hired a plane to pull a sign across the sky that reads, “Blaine is on the bottom.” (Side-Note: That’s not funny. At all. I’m actually pretty pissed right now. I don’t want to go into a whole rant about it, but this is one of the most offensive and degrading things that Glee has ever done to one of their characters and the fact that they are trying to pass it off as a light-hearted joke is just disgusting.)
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The two decide to battle it out as Nikki Minaj and Mariah Carey and Blaine begins a sweet — yet slightly boring — rendition of “I Still Believe.” Coach Sue then takes the stage with her crew of blonde wig-wearing Cheerios and raps out, “Super Bass.” Her performance also includes a black light, hot pink feathers and plenty of smiles. (Side-Note: Does anyone else cringe when Coach Sue smiles? It seems un-natural. Like when girls say, “Pssh! I’m not scared of spiders!” Sure. Whatever hun, we all know you’re lying!)
By a show of hands, Coach Sue overwhelmingly wins the Diva-off and Blaine is forced to be a full-fledged, uniform-wearing member of the cheerios. But little does Coach Sue know, this was all apart of the plan. Blaine smiles at Sam revealing, “I’m going to work from the inside and bring her down. By the time we graduate Sue Sylvester’s reign of terror will finally be over!”( Side-Note: Do what you gotta do Blaine — but it needs to be said: You look mighty fine in that uniform.)
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Internet Insanity: Over in the library, Ryder is getting his flirt on… with a computer. That’s right, our dear dyslexic Ryder is typing away on those keys and pretending that he’s on a hot date with some cyber-chick. “Katie” is the “perfekt” girl to Ryder — she likes bears, French fries and considered them to be soul mates even though they’ve only known each other for a week. (Side-Note: Okay who else thinks Ryder’s about to be Catfished?!)
Ryder reveals to his new online crush that earlier that day Unique came up to him and verbally bitch-slapped him for kissing Marley. Ryder just stood there, channeling his inner jock and called Unique a “dude” — a term to which she took great offense to. Ryder’s keyboard companion suggests that he and Unique settle their feud through song.
Over in the hallway, it’s clear that tensions are still high between Marley and Jake. Little Puckeman reveals that Marley should have discouraged Ryder’s flirtations and not just brushed them aside. The two share a mature conversation and with a flutter of Marley’s eyes, and all is forgotten. However Jake is not quite ready to forgive his former best friend.
Marley sweetly states, “Do you trust me? Do you believe that I love you? Then it doesn’t matter who we talk to because no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, I’m with you.” (Side-Note: Squee! I love them. And I love that Glee did not rip them apart just yet. I also love all the little smiles that creep across Jake’s face. He looks like he’s a four-year-old who’s trying to keep a secret.)
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In the choir room, the music stars and a mashup of “The Bitch is Back/Dress You Up” fills the choir room as Ryder and Unique musically battle it out in front of everyone. (Side-Note: Unique is like 19 kinds of fierce in this performance and I love it! Fun-Fact: Alex Newell is exactly like that in person and every time we get together she brings out my inner diva and it’s amazing.)
The song continues and Unique passes out the most lovely party-favors ever: tiaras! (Side-Note:Those who follow me on twitter, know that I LOVE sparkly things, and tiaras are my favorite accessory. So basically right now it’s like the universe is kissing me on the cheek by mixing my two favorite things together.) When the song finishes, Unique is ready to end their feud as long as Ryder admits that she is a girl. Ryder scoffs, “Look I’m just so confused. Yesterday you were dressed as a boy, today you’re a girl. What bathroom do you use? Make up your mind.”
Unique storms off and Jake says what everyone was thinking, “You are a douchebag dude. In this room we can be whatever we want to be.” (Side-Note: I was about to say a joke about how Brittany can be a unicorn if she wants, but… what the hell?! Where’s Brittany?? And Sugar?! Oh my gosh! They must be checking on the time machine!! So happy right now…)
Ryder is once again talking with his Internet lady and she helps him realize that he was being an insensitive ass to Unique. (Side-Note: My words, not hers.) She then asks for another shirtless pic from Ryder and he instantly sends over a heart-filled photo from the Men of McKinley calendar. (Side-Note: Red flag! Red flag!! This girl cannot be trusted Ryder! Just because she constantly puts x’s and o’s at the end of her sentences does not mean that she’s a cute teenager. Creepy men trolling the Internet can easily add type sweet nothings into a chat room. Back away and run like hell!)
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Unique, Marley and Jake are all waiting in a classroom and we find out Ryder asked them all to get together. He apologizes to Marley for kissing her, to Jake for kissing his girl, and to Unique for being insensitive. Unfortunately, Unique had a horrible experience the other day when she was walking home from school. A group of popular girls chased after Unique calling her horrible names like, “Lady freak,” and bullied her with their laughter.
Marley, Jake, and Ryder agreed that they would walk Unique home everyday from now on. Kitty walks into the classroom saying she wants to do the same because believe it or not they’re friends. (Side-Note: God I love Kitty, I love Becca Tobin more, but Kitty is definitely a close second.) The Glee newbies then declare that they need to stick together, stop the fighting, and step up their game because next year it’s going to be up to them to lead the New Directions when the seniors have graduated. (Side-Note: Woah! That’s so weird to think about. Can you imagine the halls of McKinley without any of our originals walking around? Ugh I just got the chills and I don’t like this revelation one bit.)
NEXT: The Hottest Ass-Kicking of 2013!
Lies and Deceit: Cut to the New York side of things and we see that Santana is thumbing through some magazines in a clinic waiting room. (Side-Note: And looking all kinds of awesome in those boots I should add.) Rachel emerges into the room and whispers, “False alarm. I’m so happy, I’m so glad that this is all over with,” and the two friends share a sweet embrace. Rachel smiles, thanks Santana for taking her, and announces that she’s going skip on over to class. Not so fast little one!
Santana tells our little blueberry (Side-Note: Rachel looks awesome in that bright blue sweater — get it?) that she can’t just pretend that this never happened. “This is a wake-up call, this is an opportunity for you to take a hard look at the choices that you are making and where your life is heading. Starting with donkey face.” (Side-Note: Hmm. I totally got it last week when she called him “Plastic Man” but donkey face? True he’s yucky, deceitful, conceited, moronic, and all wrong for Rachel, but let’s be real, he’s not terrible to look at. Worst/best compliment ever, am I right?)
Over in a super swanky hotel we see that Brody introduces himself as “Gunner” and he looks a roomful of sad and sexually-challenged cougars who have resorted to paying men in exchange for intimacy. (Side-Note: Ahem. *Leanne clears her throat* Ladies and Gleeks, it’s officially official: Brody is a money-grubbing, old lady-pleasing, possibly STD-walking hoe fo’ sho!) In an attempt to make us feel bad for him, Brody reveals to another male escort that he needs this job to pay for his tuition. (Side-Note: Um no sorry. Then get a job at Starbucks, or a bar, or Abercrombie! — God knows you’d fit right in and you don’t even have to wear a shirt there! But don’t give us this B.S. that you need to be a hooker to get through NYADA.)
Brody then breaks into a tango-filled rendition of “How to Be a HeartBreaker” and seductively dances around with a woman who is looking like she is ready to lick his face at any moment. (Side-Note: I think this goes without saying, but I feel like I should clarify something for my younger readers: Prostitution is never the answer little ones! Please and thank you’s to remember to keep your lady bits to yourself.) And while Brody is accepting money from a Real Housewife-wannabe, Rachel is over in the loft singing along to the song, and pondering her true feelings.
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Santana enters the loft and sees that Brody’s stuff is still there, meaning that Rachel has not reevaluated her life choices. Rachel claims that Brody explained everything and he’s working as a cater-waiter, but he was just too embarrassed to admit it. Unfortunately for Rachel, Santana’s “psychic Mexican third eye” is never wrong.
Santana confronts her saying, “I went to school with Rachel Berry, not this soggy mess of a woman that stands before me today going back and forth between your flop high school ex and that terrifying waiter with a pager. You need to stop and focus Berry.” (Side-Note: God I love Santana. This is exactly what my best friend and I do for each other. We tell each other, “Mirror” and then we reveal the brutal and honest truth to each other no matter how harsh it is. It’s the best way to get someone to see herself clearly. Love you best!) Santana then sneaks into the bathroom and steals Brody’s sexy-time pager.
Over at NYADA, Brody is teaching one of Cassie’s dance classes (Side-Note: Wait, so is she like gone for good? I didn’t even get to say goodbye!) when Santana magically appears in the doorway. Brody hurls a sling of insults at our Lima Heights lady, but she quickly adds to his list saying, “Another thing I am: a hardcore friend. Rachel and Kurt are my family and I can smell your sketchy-ness from here. So let me tell you how it’s going to be. You’re going to move out of our apartment tonight or I can dig a little deeper and destroy you.”
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Santana then launches into a sexually charged, and perfectly choreographed version of “Cold Hearted.” (Side-Note: Everyone needs to stop what you’re doing!! Queen Naya is performing and flipping and gyrating and being practically perfect in every way.) She tells Brody to packs his bags and then walks out of the room like the devilish diva that we all know and love. Later that evening in the loft, Santana excitedly announces that she got a job at the Coyote Ugly bar. (Side-Note: Wanky!)
Kurt and Rachel tell Santana that they want her to move out and Miss Lopez launches into 30 seconds of pure verbal gold which I am now going to type out for you because it was that amazing: “Olsen twins let me tell you something: I have known you both for years, and I don’t like either of you 90 perfect of the time. In fact, you wide-eyed, keen painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage. But you know what? I have love for you. You’re my family and I haven’t lied to you in months. I’m smarter about other people than the both of you. You have to trust me.” Santa then steals Rachel’s comforter and Kurt’s pillow and leaves to go crash with Lena Dunham. (Side-Note: True Story.)
Over in another hotel room, Brody opens the door and walks into a dark room saying, “Good evening Vicky.” As he flips on the lights, he sees that “Vicky” is actually a smug-looking Santana. (Side-Note: Santana is flawless. That is all. The end.) Brody quickly begs, “You can’t tell Rachel please. I am not proud of this.” Santana quickly counters, “Save it. I think there’s someone more important that you should convince tonight.” All of the sudden, a furious-looking Finn walks out of the bathroom. (Side-Note: Oh. My. God. It’s official: Smoldering eyes Finn is now my favorite kind of Finn. Ever.)
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The Final Five: Brody quickly tries to explain himself but Finn doesn’t want to hear it. Finn calmly and quietly tells Brody, “Shut your mouth. After tonight, you’re a ghost. You disappear from her life forever. No goodbyes, nothing.” Brody fumbles saying that he loves Rachel, but Finn has an answer for that one too: “But she doesn’t even really know who you are. Yet.” Brody grabs Finn’s collar and tells him not to tell Rachel the truth, but clearly this was a very dumb move.
Without hesitating, Finn punches Brody square in the jaw. (Side-Note: This is the best scene. EVER. Yes, I understand that violence is never the answer, but I totally understand Finn’s outrage. The girl he’s in love with doesn’t know that her new boyfriend is a dirty, narcissistic, prostitute. I think that deserves a punch in the face, don’t you?)
The two men get into a full-on brawl in the hotel room and practically destroy everything in their path. Finn gets one last punch in before screaming at Brody through his furiously clenched jaw, “Stay away from my future wife!” (Side-Note: Holy freakin’ hell! That was the sexiest, most wonderfully amazing sentence that has ever been uttered in the history of Glee. You can’t tell me that didn’t make you squeal with delight and then swoon from Finn’s knight-in-shining armor behavior. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Finn Hudson: Out-shining all other men on TV since 2009.) This time Finn didn’t hesitate when he kicked over the mini-fridge when he stormed out of the room.
Back in Lima, the New Directions are having a la-dee-daa time singing, “Closer,” and Ryder asks his cyber sweetheart if the can meet. She then promptly signs offline without answering and he is left looking dumbfounded. (Side-Note: But let’s be real, we’re all still in a daze from that testosterone-filled tussle. Rather than watching the Glee kids end the episode with yet another “Look at us we’re friends again!” song, I’m just going to re-watch what I’m now declaring: The Hottest Ass-Kicking of 2013.)
Most Heartwarming Moment: Watching Finn scream, “Stay away from my future wife!” to Brody and realizing that Finchel is far from over.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Seeing those girls, torment Unique on her walk up. Stand up to bullying and don’t ever let this happen to any of your friends!
Quotables:
“I ran into Lena Dunham at Barney’s and she told me that I could crash with her if I needed to so that’s cool, cuz she has two Golden Globes.” — Santana
“And that, ladies, gay, in-betweeners, and hag-for-life, is how it’s done.” — Coach Sue
”Olsen twins let me tell you something: I have known you both for years, and I don’t like either of you 90 perfect of the time. In fact, you wide-eyed, keen painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage. But you know what? I have love for you. You’re my family and I haven’t lied to you in months. I’m smarter about other people than the both of you. You have to trust me.” — Santana
”Stay away from my future wife!” — Finn
Oh my goodness! What did you think of “Feud”? Who do you think Ryder’s online girl really is? Are you happy to finally know the truth about Brody? What did you think of the hotel room brawl? Who else is loving Santana in NYC? Tell me everything in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: FOX(3)]
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