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Jesse Eisenberg. An all-weather talent. Snowed us in “The Social Network.” Now shining in off-Broadway’s “Asuncion” at the Cherry Lane. He’s playwright and star. So, what’s it mean? And what’s the pronunciation?

“Some pronounce it ‘Asunseeyon,’ ” said Jesse. “Others, how I call it, ‘Asunshun.’ The title refers to Mary. It deals with a religious experience paralleling Mary’s Assumption. This is basically about assumptions. Like from those people who make you think they know it all.

“I didn’t carve out certain hours daily to sit alone at a computer in privacy as a professional writer might. I haven’t those long breaks of free time. I use paper and pen. I scribble on the back of receipts, documents, across some letter in my pocket. Anything I find.

“This is not the first play I‘ve written. I’ve done several. Listen, I started in the entertainment industry at 7. I had a difficult time in school. Acting, disappearing into another world, saved my life and helped make things possible so that now I can deal with the stresses of career.

“Problem is, having become somewhat well-known I‘ve grown a bit complacent. I don’t write that much anymore.

“Years ago I loved the Rattlestick Theater’s work. So I asked them to produce this. But with productions lined up, they could only give me this date two years from then.

“In the interim, I became popular but always kept this alloted date open. It’s very important to me. Acting success makes me the world’s luckiest person. But playwriting is how I truly express myself. I’ve had to update the script. Revise it to be more timely and change references, like from President Eisenhower to Obama.

“I play Edgar, who thinks he knows about the world, has dogmatic ideas, has two roommates who have unhealthy relationships and over the course of two acts learns he knows less. He’s in politics. Sad, lonely, with feelings of loneliness and alienation, he learns to mask his insecurities.”

So how long will Jesse and his play run?

“Until the end of the year. It’s not open-ended. Certain times are blocked out for other productions. If it does well and I feel good about it, maybe I‘ll do something again next year.”

In previews, “Asuncion” opens Oct. 27.

UNPROTECTED sex with cooperative Sara Leal prompted NuVo Condoms to send Demi Moore’s husband/Charlie Sheen’s replacement — who doesn’t know his Ashton from a hole in the ground — a supply of their “challenger” brand . . . Paris gossips say DSK is monogramming his shirts with: “The early bird gets the worm. The smart birds wait for the French toast.”

MARIAH Carey and Nick Cannon’s 6-month-old twins make their TV debut on “20/20” Friday. The girl’s named Monroe after her idol Marilyn. Mariah even has MM’s white piano in her living room. The boy’s Moroccan after their Manhattan penthouse room where Nick proposed. (This kid’s lucky daddy didn’t get down on one knee in the kitchen.)

Roc and Roe, as they’re called, appeared as tarted up as mommy. Baby Roe in a white princess dress. Baby Roc, a camel-hair suit.

Mariah had a terrible time getting pregnant, equally difficult pregnancy, and does not — not — want to shoot out more Cannons.

CHRISTOPHER Forbes, American Friends of the Louvre chairman, partying the book “The Louvre: All the Paintings.” If it helps, also present will be the museum director . . . And Asia Society doing an Armani fashion show plus Asian art. If it helps, also food from Nobu . . . Bill Maher’s bet $1 mil-to-$1 odds that Herm Cain ain’t our GOP presidential candidate.

EVERYBODY’s writing a memoir. Now Piper Laurie. Remember that long ago one-time little girl’s dream of beauty, fame and stardom? Rosetta Jacobs, her real name, lived in a children’s asylum. Suffered acute anxiety disorder. And was mute. And overcame parental neglect plus near total silence to become a movie star at 17.

In Crown’s “Learning To Live Out Loud,” she tells of “losing virginity to Ronald Reagan following my very first movie.” In it she played “Reagan’s character’s 16-year-old daughter.” She also relates an affair with Mel Gibson while filming “Tim.” Nice little bedtime read.

BILLY Crystal sent a blurb for longtime Yankee publicist Marty Appel’s coming book about the Yanks . . . A lost credit card call to American Express revealed the Amex staffer was in Manila . . . James McAvoy: “I’m not cool enough to refuse to do p.r. for one of my movies. You must because nobody will see it if you don’t make appearances. We do it because we want an audience.”

LAWYER Chris Seeger knows of a Manhattan M.D. who tells needy patients to e-mail him on Wednesdays. “I don’t call my office for messages when I’m on the golf course,” he says.