Comments on Life in Today's World

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Several people have commented on one of my previous posts that no one can make you happy, and they have cited themselves as an example of a couple who does. Their significant other does make them happy. They can’t live without the other. I disagree with their conclusion.

What I see, as with my own relationship, is that my significant other only sees the best in me. They show me the reflection of myself that is under everything that I use to protect myself and drive others away. That is love. Seeing you for the best of who you are and showing you what that is. Being there for you, no matter how bad or awful you are to them. There will be those days. They are one of the few who will show you who you really are and who you trust to reveal that whole you. They accept you for who you are, what you stand, and what you believe.

A lot has happened and I have been VERY busy these past two weeks (or three) since my last blog post. Most recently I have been working hard to help my adopted daughter with dealing with her older [natural born] brother. He has been in the ICU for over a week. He was dead when the paramedics arrived at his location, he passed away again upon arriving at the hospital, and at 4:30 AM, the MDs didn’t think he would make it through the next day. And, yes, my daughter was called by the medical staff for some reason to identify “John Doe #4” at 4:30 AM that morning. It isn’t the staff that I am going to comment on, but rather the people who were around her older brother.

I look at how my daughter has been there every day from 9:30-10:00 AM until 1 AM each and every day. The morning time, I have been at her house at 7:30 to help take care of cleaning, and getting the small things taken care of that she can’t focus on. Just getting her to the hospital is a chore, and I am sure that she isn’t eating, either. She has so much on her mind and is busy trying to get things remembered and done while she is at home, but her mind is on her brother. Her other younger brother who isn’t working at the moment is there at night when she isn’t there. Someone from her injured family is always there with him who cares about him. I would be there, but I am not considered immediate family so ICU staff won’t let me go in and visit with him. I know that he is alive today because his family is there, and they are spending the time there with him and there for him. Without them there, constantly talking with him and letting him know that he means so much to them, I am sure he would have given up. Even though he isn’t completely away from this because of the sedation he is on, when my daughter told him that he was with her and in the hospital, he cried as best as his body could cry.

Now for why I am writing this: How can someone in this world do what they did to him? He was tortured for three days. He was drugged (not sure if this was by his choice or not), but then they tortured him for three to four days. His arm was broken. He has internal abdominal injuries. He was burned repetitively with cigarette burns. He was also burnt with a cigarette lighter all over. I can’t imagine what he went through for the three to four days prior to being in the hospital. He is still in critical condition and we don’t know if he will make it. I listen to the description of the injuries, and I have to wonder how this can happen in our civilized world? What makes it OK to torture someone like this in our society? Why is it that no one he was around not say this is wrong? I won’t go into the fact that the police have done nothing – not even taken a report. We don’t know who the “they” are that tortured him. Comments from the people who are where the paramedics picked him up say one thing, the paramedics say something else, and a few of the people who normally can be found in that location have gone missing.

I bring this up because this is the future of our society. I can only hope that we as a people realize that crimes like this means our society is falling apart. Our morals and civil liberties have fallen to the side and mean almost nothing to the individuals who did this. I am very sorry to be an American knowing what I do with my daughter’s brother’s injuries. On the other hand, I am proud of my daughter and her constant being there for her brother, and it makes me proud to be her father.

UPDATE: More is coming out on what happened to my daughter’s biological brother and what he went through in his ordeal. The more I hear about this, the more it reminds me of some of the war crimes you read about in the newspapers. I can’t imagine what he went through over the three to four days of torture. We have also found out that one person tried to stop what was going on and ended up injured for several days and there are quite a few people who knew this torture was going on. I have to wonder why no one put a stop to this type of treatment. Instead, all anyone really did (except one person) was watch this go on.

To each of us, love is a different thing – it means and holds a different meaning. Some is the reflection from our parents. Some is our own experiences. Yet, it is an elusive beast that everyone searches and hopes they find. I have six loves in my life – three are permanently over because of the way we parted. One of the loves hasn’t a clue and I would like it to stay that way. The remaining two, I talk with all the time and provide support when I am able. As I said, I still love them all. Once in love, always in love. It never changes. I also love my daughter and her son, too, but they are out of the scope of this post.

While talking with one of the two that I talk, she commented that I am a really strange person. She had to point out that most people can only love one person at a time romantically. I can’t imagine only loving one person – that means falling in love and out of love with people. I can’t grasp what that is like. It was a revelation as to why marriages fail – obviously people fall out of love or for someone else. It also explains the jealousy that people feel toward one another – something I don’t feel. The closest that I come to this is a loneliness – not feeling the presence of the other person – and I miss having that feeling when they aren’t around. But, it also makes life easier when I am around one of the two and they have their significant others. One of them was worried it would weird me out – but was amazed at my reaction (the reaction weirded her out instead). So far, I am a really good friends with her significant other. The other broke up and is looking for someone else. If I weren’t married, and closer to her, I would chase after her again and see where it goes. We both have wondered why we separated ways and did our own things. I really wonder how things would be different had we not, but both choose the course we took and both have lived with that decision. It is only later in life, as she is rediscovering who I am (and the intricacies) and I live with the feelings and emotions that have never changed for her. It is also more complicated, too. We both have children, and I insist that they always come first in her life. Mine always comes second in mine, although my wife would have you believe she comes in second instead of my daughter.

I think about those times with my previous loves, and I know that they will never be again. I remember the wonderful and loving times with each, and sometimes wish I could be back then and enjoying what I had. Those times have passed, but I still love and care for all of my previous loves. I hope that others may enjoy this permanence of love from their spouses and ex-girlfriends.

Have you ever gotten that look from one of your children, one of total disbelief and where they can’t grasp what is going on? I recently had one with my daughter. Let me explain.

We were shopping for something – don’t remember exactly what – and my mind drifted. My daughter noticed and asked what I was thinking about. Obviously, I was in deep thought. I told her – I was thinking about an ex-girlfriend of mine and what she was going through. That started that look. Then she asked if I still loved the girlfriend – to which I answered that I do still love and care about her. Her chin hit the ground, her eyes were about to water, and she somehow managed to say this somehow, “Does mom know about her?” “Mom does know about her, how I feel, and that we talk all the time,” I told her, and then continued with “and Mom has some of her ex-boyfriends that she stays in touch with and talks to frequently, too.” The expression and shock on her face surprising to me. As my daughter came out of her shock, she said, “I wouldn’t be allowed to with my boyfriend and it just isn’t right.You don’t do this kind of thing.” Keep in mind that my wife and I have been married for almost 19 years, and were engaged for another 3 years on top of our marriage. My daughter refers to my wife and I as geese because we are always together and it is her romantic vision of who we are. I went on to explain to daughter that I still love and care about all six of the women who I have loved in my life. It isn’t something that goes away or that you fall out of. Love is something that lasts through the rest of your life.

Therein lies what I think is a problem with the love and marriages today. Is it really love if you can’t give up control and trust your spouse? There is a saying and I don’t know who said it, but it goes like this: “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If they don’t, they never were.” If you love someone, that person is there because they love and trust you. They don’t need to be controlled and manipulated to stay with you. My daughter’s boyfriend forbids her talking with ex-boyfriends because he doesn’t trust her boyfriends and what might possibly happen if their talking goes on for any amount of time. I know it isn’t my daughter that he doesn’t trust. But, still, I have to wonder if she gets married to him if he really loves her because there are trust issues.

I have also seen this happen to a few of my wife’s ex-boyfriends and even smaller number of male friends that I hang out – they get engaged, and all contact with previous lovers is to stop. My question: why did you say you would marry them if you don’t trust them? Controlling or manipulating someone isn’t love. Doing this is a lack of trust – one that makes me wonder why they want to be married in the first place. I would think that this thought – are they going to be there tomorrow? – would overwhelm and tear up a solid marriage.

Does this mean you will be together and everything will be wonderful if you do trust your spouse and let them talk with their exes? I can’t answer that. I can tell you that the ex-girlfriend we are talking about is someone who I let get away because I let her get away. I still have questions in my mind if I was wrong for not chasing after her, and pursuing her more than I did.

I can also say that love is something that lasts a lifetime. Just because your relationship is over with someone, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t become a part of your heart and that you won’t think about them anymore. You do think about them and you will care. Each person who you are or have been with will be special. They are a part of your heart. If you loved them, they will be with you the rest of your life.

There are many different kinds of love – romantic love, family love, love for your daughter or son, love for pets, etc. The one thing about love that amazes me as people is how hard it gets to believe that another person loves another. The second thing that amazes me is how quickly some people fall in love and fall out of love. And, then there are those people who aren’t really in love, but go about their way as if they are. Or, people who think that mad and wild passionate sex is love, and there isn’t anything more to love. This has made me ponder about love…

I know from personal experience that love is a really wonderful thing but all of us feel it in different ways. Some of this, I assume, is because of our experiences we have dealing with love. As we meet and socialize with people, we commonly use our parents for references on what love is or was. As we get older, and have more experience, we base it on our experiences with others. But, even though we say to others that we love them, it often is said much more freely than we really mean it. At the same time, the receiver frequently doesn’t believe that they are loved or can’t understand much of why the sender does … no matter how much time has passed or how well demonstrated. If something happens to break that trust or even bend it, we often assume the other doesn’t love us any more.

Why?

Why are we like this? I really don’t know. It is just an observation on life. I can say that if you love someone – a girlfriend, a wife, your children – love them like there is no tomorrow. And, if you are the receiver, no matter how much it doesn’t make sense, if someone is there for you and loves you, recognize that they do without question and love them back. Even if you don’t care about the other person, show some form of happiness back and don’t try to mislead them. If it is a parent, you probably won’t understand their love until you have your own children. And, no matter how bad things get as a child, your parents will always love you.