Finalewatch '08: 'Farmer Wants a Wife'

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At last, the rather undramatic first (and likely last) season of Farmer Wants a Wife comes to a close. Does Matt find the little woman to make him feel loved, manly and well-fed with pies?

Spoilers ahead keeping company with a deer carcass.

So, it’s down to religious, reserved Brooke and her nemesis, the raunchy, multi-piereced Christa, each vying for the opportunity to rustle up a farmer husband. Frankly, I’ve never understood the extreme animosity that has been perpetuated by Christa, who blew TP-Gate way out of proportion and conveniently forgot that her good buddy Amanda was also part of the trio that "ruined the most perfect date in my life."

I’m not rooting for either of them. Not only am I rather lukewarm about the whole finding love thing on TV, but if I had picked anyone for Matt, it would have been Amanda. Oh well.

First thing, Matt tests out his girls’ wifely skills by … yup, putting them to work. He assigns each of them a set of errands to run.

Christa picks up his rebuilt carburetor, no problem, and then when she goes to pay Matt’s store tab, she adds some beef jerky and the ugliest excuse for sunglasses this side of Max Headroom. She also tries to buy condoms, but not only does the store not carry them, but she’s informed there’s no sex shop in town either. Shocker! Methinks townfolk shop out of town for their prophylactic needs and to satisfy their other secret desires … sushi!

Hmm … as we heard from Christa’s best friend last episode, she’s actually still a virgin (much more stealth than Brooke), so is she looking to seal the deal? Finally, with much wrinkling of her nose, C drops off Matt’s latest hunting kill at the taxidermist. She’s the first one back and gets to present Matt with the sunglasses. She gets points for finishing first. Matt feels out Christa about the taxidermy, asking how she’d feel if those trophies were adorning their futre house together. Props to her for actually voicing her opinion (ick) but proposing a trophy room compromise.

Meanwhile, Brooke snags three chickens and trades them to Miss Frannie for a couple pies, picks the correct starter (12 volt) for his 4430 at the shop (otherwise, she would have lost $100 by taking both and returning one), gets splattered by fish flesh at the butcher’s and grabs some crickets from the bait shop, only liberating one by mistake.

It’s a mad — okay, sorta mad — dash back to the farm for lunch, but poor Miss B (the only one Matt ever gave a consistent nickname) gets caught at the train tracks, letting Christa soak up the glory.

Each girl then gets a single date. First Brooke is told to dress casual (I guess a purple tube top counts), all the better to go four-wheelin’ in the fields. She’s lovin’ it, but still feels shy about uttering the "L" word to him at a romantic picnic. She does the clutching him around the neck thing instead. He’s rather disappointed, but I don’t fault her. How often on The Bachelor have we seen the guy push a girl for some show of commitment and then he picks the other? How fair is that?

Christa’s date is more formal, warranting a slinky black number. When Brooke gets a glimpse of the white horse-drawn carriage, she’s in a tizzy cuz of course she got the "friend" date, but Christa gets the romance, the big gestures. "I’m toast. It’s over. I’m done," she tells no one while the camera is rolling. Christa gets all huggy with Matt and visits his house for the first time. It’s filled with buck trophy heads and a beaver rug (I don’t make this stuff up!) in the bedroom. Dinner on his porch goes well because she lays it on the line and talks about finding a job there. She even simulates what it would look like to wear a wedding ring.

Brooke is dejected and jealous. Not only was Christa’s date better, but she determines that Matt "really kisses" Christa, but holds back with Brooke.

After the requisite reminiscing montage during which Matt voice overs his first impressions of the girls and says it’s the hardest decision of his life, it’s Judgment Day.

Okay, I get it that the town is part of your decision, Matt, but really? Really do you have to have the whole town gather outside with a stage, a microphone, the mayor and the mayor’s dog’s mother-in-law? "What better way to do it than invite the town and my family," says Matt. Oh, I don’t know, maybe some privacy for the big moment? Maybe privacy for the poor eliminated girl instead of live public humiliation?

Anyway, since the best elimination ceremony already happened (more cow pregnancy tests please!!!), Matt hires a crop duster to pull a banner across the sky with the name of the woman he wants to get hitched to.

"Matt (hearts) Brooke," it reads.

After a quick kiss with his lady, he decides to twist the knife by telling Christa — still on stage in front of the whole town, mind you — that he had a connection with her, he just loved Brooke, that he had a blast and that he would never forget her. Another nice thing to say to another woman in front of your future wife. How horrid!!

Oddly, Brooke says nice things about Christa and then, reminiscent of a rural Can’t Buy Me Love, sits with Matt on his tractor as they smooch and ride into the sunset.

Ugh. What’s your take? Did Matt make the right decision? Any Amanda fans? Have you seen the ads with him and flat-ironed hair?