All in all, we should not say which is correct or more reasonable among these two viewpoints.

But here are some alternatives which have the key words and question topics.

We should not have to choose between improving the lives of humans and protecting animals

Taking care of wildlife goes hand in hand with building a better environment for humans.

Human economic development does not mean animal extinction.

Development and the environment are not opposites. We need to consider both.

Preventing the loss of further species is a necessary part of creating a better environment for humans

Try to make every sentence have some reference to the question or topic key words.

]]>Sat, 18 Aug 2012 11:49:13 +0400ma-frank on With increased economic progress, is animal extinction unavoidable? http://writefix.com/?page_id=2722/about-this-forum/there-are-many-animal-species-extinct-in-the-world-nowadays-some-people-say-that-countries-and-individuals-should-protect-these-animals-from-dying-out-while-others-say-we-should#p2186
Your Argument and Opinion Essays!http://writefix.com/?page_id=2722/about-this-forum/there-are-many-animal-species-extinct-in-the-world-nowadays-some-people-say-that-countries-and-individuals-should-protect-these-animals-from-dying-out-while-others-say-we-should#p2186 thanks admin's revision in your busy time. i just don't know how to correct it as you have suggested:

All in all, we should not say which is correct or more reasonable among these two viewpoints.

It's not wrong (this makes it better than your opening sentence in the intro)... but...

It’s easy to make the sentence specific to the topic. Just add the word ‘animal’ to this sentence - or ‘nature’ or ‘creatures,’

(how to handle it as you do? i really don't know.) or some other opportunity to show the examiner that not alone do you understand the topic but are capable of writing new, original fresh sentences based on it.

As I said, don't worry too much about statistics - your essay is quite readable. Here's a version of your essay which I edited. I haven't added any ideas (that's why it's short, at only 242 words). I've got two greens from the website at http://www.read-able.com - but it's not a huge difference!

Should humans develop themselves first or work harder to protect animals? The incredible rate of human population growth and the right of all people to live in dignity mean that animals today are suffering. This essay will discuss the close links between human and animals and say why we need to do more to protect our fellow creatures.

Human and animals have lived together on this planet for millions of years. Animals have been our friends and an indispensable part of the biological chain. Humans survived in dangerous and primitive environments by feeding on animals until we learned to plant. If we don’t look after shrinking species we may soon find ourselves in trouble from a damaged food and environmental chain. Therefore, protecting endangered species is actually helping ourselves.

However, this does not mean that protecting animals is human’s top task. On the contrary, better development and survival is our ultimate goal. But development can help both us and animals. Advanced technology and sufficient funds can help us to protect our environment. We need a rational attitude to prevent animals dying out and to build a more harmonious world. All of these depend on human development.

All in all, we should not have to choose between animal and human survival. I think we should look for a balance. As we continue our development, we must try our best to care for animals and other lives on this planet in a balanced ecosystem.

As I said, I’m very busy for the next few days, but I just wanted to respond to your essay.

Don’t worry too much about the statistics. Your essay is quite readable. A few steps would make it easier to read: shorter sentences to reduce the average from 16.94 words on average to about 12-15, and some shorter vocab choices.

Intro

The intro is the weakest part. You have a standardized opening sentence (avoid the words ‘debate,’ ‘issue,’ ‘contentious,’ ‘divisive,’ ‘heated,’ ‘topic,’ ‘topic of discussion,’ etc.) Millions of candidates use these words. Examiners will sigh and ignore them, hoping to find original material. Your first sentence also has several serious grammatical errors. Avoid these clichéd openings and write your own. Throw away the crutches and walk.

The second has no words related to the topic and repeats the first sentence. Eliminate it. Every sentence should have a function related to the topic.

The third sentence (your thesis) says you will give your opinion. When? Why not give it? Why the suspense? Tell us (the reader) what you are going to tell us, in the intro. Then tell us, in the body. Then tell us, in your conclusion, what you told us. Three steps. Yes it seems repetitive. But it gets the job done, and allows you to show you know a few synonyms and rephrasings. Hammer it home.

Topic sentence in Para Two

I like the first sentence in your second para. Why not use this in your intro? Or the second one – both are fine. Just forget about ‘debate’ and ‘debates’ and ‘controversial’ and ‘discussed.’ Give us examples. Tell us. Talk about the topic. There’s no requirement to rephrase the question. Here are a few sentences you could use in your intro:

Animals and humans today are competing for limited resources. Should our economic and social development be limited in order to prevent animal extinction?

Animals are suffering today as a result of human growth.

Animals and man are linked inextricably.

What we can do to protect the animals and plants we have lived with for millions of years?

Is animal extinction the price we have to pay for economic growth?

Sometimes people forget that humans are animals too.

Today, a small animal in the Andes becomes extinct. Tomorrow, it could be our turn. In this essay, I will explain why we must act to stop the extinction of any more animals.

Extinction is a natural process. Long before humans, animals either thrived or became extinct, depending on their adaptability. This essay will explain why humans need to come first, before obscure insects or pampered pandas.

As stewards of the planet, humans have a unique responsibility to other animals. In this essay, I suggest that the greatest mark of our humanity would be to demonstrate our love for our planet and fellow creatures.

Your paragraph two and three are fine. There are some problem sentences (“Only we possess advanced technologies, sufficient funds and protected captive zones or natural environment, our ecological circle can be protected.” - I think this is a run-on, but it needs to be clearer and simpler. )

Conclusion

Your conclusion has one sentence which could be used in a million essays. Even the second one does not mention the keywords or any synonyms. You wrote

All in all, we should not say which is correct or more reasonable among these two viewpoints.

It's not wrong (this makes it better than your opening sentence in the intro)... but...

Why use a mass-produced sentence like this? Why not make every sentence a part of the topic and the question, in the same way that every fingerprint is a unique identifier of you and every cell a unique record of your DNA?

It’s easy to make the sentence specific to the topic. Just add the word ‘animal’ to this sentence - or ‘nature’ or ‘creatures,’ or some other opportunity to show the examiner that not alone do you understand the topic but are capable of writing new, original fresh sentences based on it.

Your paragraphs two and three and the rest of the conclusion show that you can do it. Complete the mission!

]]>Thu, 16 Aug 2012 23:32:03 +0400ma-frank on With increased economic progress, is animal extinction unavoidable? http://writefix.com/?page_id=2722/about-this-forum/there-are-many-animal-species-extinct-in-the-world-nowadays-some-people-say-that-countries-and-individuals-should-protect-these-animals-from-dying-out-while-others-say-we-should#p2179
Your Argument and Opinion Essays!http://writefix.com/?page_id=2722/about-this-forum/there-are-many-animal-species-extinct-in-the-world-nowadays-some-people-say-that-countries-and-individuals-should-protect-these-animals-from-dying-out-while-others-say-we-should#p2179i realy can't find out which part should further correct to improve readability

There are many animal species extinct in the world nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings than on those of animals. What’s your opinion?

It is a debatable topic that whether human should develop themselves first or make more efforts in protecting being extinct animals. There has been opposite opinions on this issue. Here, I will discuss this close linked relationship between human and animals and give my own opinion on this issue.

Human and animals, including endangered species nowadays, have been living interactively on this planet for millions of years. Animals have been our friends and indispensible part of biological chain. For example, human had survived from dangerous and primitive natural environment only by feeding on animals’ meat until human learned to plant vegetables and cereals. If we don’t invest sufficient concern on shrinking species we may find human will be trapped into survival trouble arising from damaged biological chain in future. Therefore, protecting endangered species which might contribute human’s living once is helping ourselves actually.

However, I don’t mean protecting animals is human’s top task. on the contrary, developing for better survival is our ultimate goal. Only we possess advanced technologies, sufficient funds and protected captive zones or natural environment, our ecological circle can be protected. This can be achieved by rational attitudes to prevent some animals from dying out and improving human’s capabilities to create a harmonious world between human and animals. All of these depend on human’s development.

All in all, we should not say which is correct or more reasonable among these two viewpoints. I think we should accept a balanced sense. When we continue human’s development, we must try our best to care animals and other lives on this planet which can ensure we live in a balanced ecosystem.