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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Mommy hurt her arm.

Oh, dear.

I seem to have had a small surge in readership lately, which is lovely, really - don't get me wrong. But whenever that happens, it is generally because someone somewhere had the notion to link to one of my posts, and it is often one of the more...innocuous ones, and it doesn't take long before I post something more...typical of me and my unrepentant depravity. And that's when I get the email that says, "I do NOT enjoy reading blogs where someone uses the f-word, mentions unpleasant bodily functions, and insults the royal family of Micronesia." To which I always reply, "Then you need to go back and read some more, lady, because I have written FAR worse than that. I have all kinds of things here for you to get a bug up your butt about, and you could have picked something WAY better."

But I hate getting those emails. Even though I truly do not intend to ever make this blog all sugar and lollipops for the delicate sensibilities crowd, I still feel all iggy when someone feels so violated by my naughty talk that they have to take the time to send me a scolding email over it. It makes me feel like maybe I wasn't up front enough about the way I tend to write, like there should have been a bigger tip-off alerting potential readers to the poison contained herein.

So, just in case we have some sweet Aunt Tillies out there who are going to faint when I suggest that perhaps the quilt I just made looks like FUCKING ROADKILL, here is a helpful guide to The Bitchy Stitcher Blog:

1. I curse. Frequently. Though not as frequently as I do in real life. Just ask my kids. In fact, the first time my firstborn was old enough to note the fact that I had just said something unusual and possibly fun to repeat, I had just whacked my elbow on the corner of a table, and my husband explained the stream of FCC-forbidden language coming from my mouth by saying, "Mommy hurt her arm." This was apparently a satisfactory explanation for Harper, and thereafter, anytime I erupted with a "Crap!" or "Holy shit!" or "You cocksucking douchebag!", David would just blithely say, "Mommy hurt her arm." Now they all say it. Frequently.

2. I am a self-taught quilter. Which means that I don't really know how to do anything properly and though you are welcome to ask me for advice, the advice will probably consist of several smart remarks and a link to something involving penises.

3. I am self-taught because I am an anti-social loner, and even though I am forty-one years old, I am still convinced that no matter what the situation, I will always be the dorky outcast that no one talks to and is fatter than anyone else in the room. So I deal with my social anxieties by coming here and making self-deprecating jokes about my lousy quilting and my other faults, and because I don't tend to also write about how wonderful my life is in other ways (and it is), it can appear as though I am nothing but a sack of insecurity and neuroses. I'm not, though. I'm actually a raving egomaniac. Seriously. When I'm done writing this, I'm going to spend at least an hour checking out my enormous booty in the mirror because it is Just. So. Awesome.

4. I am a writer for Quilter's Home magazine, where I have a regular humor column. If you are not a current reader of QH (and why the hell aren't you?), and you happen to pick up a copy out of curiosity, here's a helpful tip: mine is the article that says "By Megan Dougherty" at the top and contains a bunch of quilt-related insanity that may or may not strike you as funny, depending upon several factors such as your mood, the phase of the moon, and how far that stick up your butt goes.

There. I think that just about covers it. Let's all take bets now to see how soon that 311 over there starts dropping!

In quilting news:

After several days of intense deliberation (read: wishy-washy indecision), I finally cut and sewed the borders for the mermaid quilt:

And whaddya know - I don't hate it! I do think the peachy tone of the circles is a bit incongruous with all the hot pink and magenta, but the smaller inner border, which has much of the same tone, helps balance it. The niece for whom it is intended has a sister who will be getting a quilt in the same pattern with a horse theme and different colors.

So you see, this is how it works here. First, you have to wade through all my self-indulgent crap (Mommy hurt her arm) and then, if you make it through all that without hemorrhaging, you get rewarded with something quilty! (Though if I'm lazy, like I was today, it will be something quilty that has been poorly photographed with my phone instead of a real camera. See, I was too busy checking out my sweet, sweet booty in the mirror to bother with f-speeds and shutter stops.

And if you want to know the technique I used to make the circle blocks, just click here!

I must be doing something wrong. I have been a fan and a reader since you started blogging (I think) and I am not listed as a follower. Hmmmmm! I'll push some buttons and see if I can make your number go up!

You aren't getting rid of me. I LOVE the honesty and life is not sugar coated so why are so many blogs. No one's life can be that wonderful all the time.To all you complain. I say use the OFF switch. marilynmckinnon@hotmail.com

You make me laugh all the time :) I've been following for a while, and KarrieLyne (http://www.freckledwhimsy.com/)referenced your blog yesterday for a tip on how to get blood out of a quilt. I always wonder, too, where blog surges come from, but usually someone has an answer. I know you won't change a thing about how you write, and I LOVE that!

I am a new follower and I have to tell you that I did come in from a link to a mellow post. Then when I added you to Google Reader I read through your last 10 posts and loved your writing style and humor. Your blog has the wit and humor of Dooce with quilting mixed in - the best of both worlds!!! Keep it up and don't let anyone change you in one bit - we love you just the way you are.

Hey Megan - Make sure to link this post up to your sidebar with a big "THE RULES OF THE BITCHY STITCHER BLOG" No one will be able to say they were not forewarned!

I've also included my useful troll email response below. It's the perfect email to send those who are not fucking enlightened enough to understand why we enjoy your profanity, humorous depravity, or pornographic links so much.

Troll response:

"Due to the large amount of unsolicited email I receive on a daily basis, I have had to set filters within my email system. Your email message has been flagged as particularly unimportant and / or hostile.

Please note that your email has been deleted without being read and all further email communication from your address will be blocked."

I would tell the nasty emailers, you clicked the follow button to follow my blog, so if you don't like it, click that same button and unfollow me. If the title The Bitchy Stitcher doesn't tell you something about what your going to find here, well I don't know what else will. So long!

I mean it is YOUR blog, you can write whatever the hell you want in it!Oh by the way, your numbers went up too! :D

I've never hit the follower button, but I do have you on my blog list. All I can say is I love reading your blog, no matter what you have to say. I've been around long enough to know that clicking on your hyper link was iffy at best. Loved the circle tut! If you can't be yourself on your own blog, then why bother blogging!!

I love your shoot-from-the-hip, don't-give-a-damn style. I, like you, curse on a regular basis because I have raised teenagers and bare the scars to prove it. I too am a semi-self taught crafter. On rare occasions I write a rant about being a biker/crafter/quilter/beer drinker & lover of rally mayhem! I thought about blogging but then I ran across yours and now am undecided.KEEP UP THE GOOD WORKS! Always entertaining and inspiring!

I went to the Vatican to see the Pope. Of course, I had to visit the gift shop and bring some trinkets home. The prices were insane and I just blurted out, 'Holy Shit!'. That about summed it up. My companion laughed his ass off.

Having worked with automotive technicians (read "mechanics") pretty much my whole life, cussing barely registers with me any more.If something like that bothers me, I just skip to the next part. Sheesh, I'm a big girl, I can control where my eyes go & where my mouse clicks!!!That said, I'm still a follower, here & at QH.And I love Leah's Troll letter!!

Oh good Lord Megan - I'm gonna have to load a Poise Pad in my undies before I read your blog. I would love to quilt w/you. The shop I go to is nice but very prim & proper - i.e. boring.

My husband usually just turns the TV up louder so he can't hear me. My dog reacts to my cussing out the fucking sewing machine by leaving the room - wuss. I have a "word-stream" that my husband knows by heart now - GDSOBMFCSAWB -which I use regularly in conversation, emails or VM msgs to him all the time.

I never understood some people's compulsion to share uninvited, unwelcome criticism with all and sundry. Wtf? I don't go to their house and tell them how shit their decor is, why come tell me how bad my blog is?I love your blog. And I'm not goin anywhere. in the words of my know it all tween, it's brill! (brilliant - do Americans say brill?)

Great blog just the way it is!If you changed to boring boring boring... who would read it? I feel like I'm hanging out with a friend when I read your blogs~Love itAnd QH gained a new subscriber (me)because YOU write awesome articles for them~ Just sayin.

Oh dear, Megan (sp? cannot remember, sorry, and don't want to back-page) I love your post on so many levels. sigh. I always WANT to use the F work but cannot bring myself to do so in print. Out loud is another story. The 'penis' link I'm afraid to try. Must be my age (older than you by a decade or two). However, I DO love your blog and have become a faithful reader. I think people are confused that a quilter can really say FUCK and mean it. (woo hoo for me - in print now!).Luv ya, darlin'.

I have to tell you that I ''hurt my arm'' so many times, I cannot even wipe my own butt (ass) anymore. Keep doing what you're doing, because there are still many of us readers and listeners that need our daily projection of coffee through the nose...and more penis links please. (which are different from sausage links, btw.)

Well, hot-damn. Finally, a woman comfortable enough in her own skin to tell the rest of the world to take a flying-fuck if they don't like her just the way she is. I feel a kindred spirit and can't wait to read more. I, too, am new, though not one of the 311 because I just added you to my reader, but I am here to stay!

Oh dear God, Megan! Where do you come up with this stuff! Once again my husband thinks I have lost my mind because I am laughing my ass off at your blogpost!! I couldn't resist clicking that last link, even though I knew what must be coming....... ;-)

Thank god you don't feel the need to dial down your personality until it's plain blah beige like so many others in blog land. I love your writing both here and in QH! I vote for Leah's cut and paste approach to uptight prunes giving you grief for making the rest of us pee ourselves/ snort coffee through our noses/ fall off our chairs laughing...I am sending all my friends over to view your circle tut - best I've seen lately!

As to the old biddies, well they are just no fun. This is after all your blog there for your world, if they don't get the hint from the title then they have no business complaining.

We old, fat, self taught, potty mouthed women need to stick together. Oh and for Christmas my dear friend make me a sign for my sewing room that says "This is NOT a no swearing zone" Maybe you should post this at the top of your blog....

I've been reading your blog for ages. I have been known to throw out a couple of cuss words in my blog too but nobody has ever given me shit about it. After I got over the laughing fit I'd probably tell them to go fuck themselves. Honestly, who the fuck do they think they are anyway???

Hehe, good post today. I find that if the stick is up my butt pretty high that day (meaning no one in the world can possibly do or say anything better than I and nothing would convince me otherwise) then I just wait and read your post the enxt day when I'm a normal person (whatever that is) again. :)

I realized that list is a list of reasons is why I read your blog. I'm also glad that I am not the only one who (accidentally) taught her kids to swear. I am also self taught for the same reasons with a little bit of extreme cheapness stirred in. Again, today your blog made me laugh out loud. That is the main reason I read. You are awesome.

I'm one of the new followers, and really -- your blog is called "The Bitchy Stitcher", I think I got that you swore! Actually, that's one of the reasons why I followed you, it's refreshing to see someone really *be* themselves!

And, I'm not a mommy, but can I use that line about hurting my arm all the same?? :)

Thank you for deigning to entertain the masses, oh great one, by tearing yourself away from your blessed mirror! I cannot imagine the agony you must feel, but your suffering is greatly appreciated!! Take care of that arm!

Roflol, well said!!!! I read it out to dh & ds (14) & they roared laughing. I first got the idea of being able to say what I think from watching Sophia on the Golden Girls. I will never understand the gall of people who feel they have to right to judge how other people act. I love your blog, it cracks me up, as opposed to a blog I visited earlier with paragraph after paragraph of sickly sentimental crap. Closed that window before I hurled. :-)

Love it!! I'm strange, weird, dorky and nerdy... and I love it! and I so enjoy people who are completely themselves - like you! I'm a new follower for all the reason you listed here. I love someone who has a great sense of humor and I also love your quilting.

I am just so comforted by reading your blog because I seem to be the only quilter that I know who has such a foul mouth. It's therapeutic to cut lose a string of expletives when I poke myself with a pin or cut a piece of fabric too short. Nothing else covers it like "fuck"!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I think there's a blog you should tune into. The woman who writes (and illustrates) it is a genius (or maybe just really messed up, but since I like what she writes and it makes me laugh like you do....well, I prefer to think that I have good taste and so...she's a genius).

Anyway, the blog is hyperboleandahalf.com. Check it out.

For some odd reason, I feel like your children might have similar stories to tell one day.

Love your posts...and "F" them if they can't take a joke. I was originally attracted to your blog name...knew you had to have it going on. My mother had a huge penis bagel made for my bridal shower...luckily the 5 yo flower girl was clueless.

Have to say..the last link picture gave me a little bit of throw-up in my mouth....glad I have never run into some of those nasties!

OMG - I just found your site and have laughed my ass off for the better part of an hour reading your blog. They say everyone has a twin and I believe you must be mine. I have actually done that thing with the keys in the hand cursing like a sailor..........

OMG - you are too funny and must be my long lost twin. I have done that keys in the hand cussing like a sailor thing - and my kids also look at me like I am an alien. Marking your spot as a fav-o-rite!