Weary of it all ...

I feel a little emotional about introducing myself and not quite sure how best to do so - I will give it a try.

I have been married for over 20 years and wife seems to display some of the traits I have been browsing through on this site. I am not going to narrate 20 + years of difficulties now, maybe more details will come out as I get to know the site and you folk. I just feel so weary and frustrated by it all.

It is not major abuse - just the constant drip feed of so much negativity - she feels she is always the victim (and sadly she was the victim of serious childhood abuse - but she seems unable to recognise that this abuse has damaged her and affected her thoughts, feelings and behaviours in a way that is not only detrimental to her but also harms people around her). There is a lot of blaming other people and not accepting or recognising that she has contributed to some situations. A lot of distorted thinking - black and white thinking - selective memory bias - circular conversations - and small things in conversation triggering hurt and rants concerning events that happened years ago. And when she starts ranting about something - it can go on and on and if I dont agree with her distorted view of events that is when when can become very unpleasant.

She has had one long period of counselling, her work obliged her to do it, but it has not made any difference, she did not see herself in what the counsellor was saying - again, she was not the problem, other people were.

We have also had some marriage counselling but again that did not go great and did not make much difference as she seemed unable to recognise her contribution to the problems we have. She still sometimes speaks about it with great resentment. Oh yes and our teenage daughter had mental health issues, quite serious and we were all put into family counselling but again the same stuff happened, she felt she was being victimised when it was suggested her behaviour may be part of the problem.

Well, that gives you a bit of insight into where I have been. I hope to glean some advice form the site and some strength to press and and to somehow better manage this sorry situation.

Hello Julian R! Welcome to OOTF and the forum. A fantastic place to hang your hat and converse with many people who share your experiences with you and also a place for to discover and learn.

Im so sorry you are experiencing these traits from your wife in your 20+ years of marriage and also for your daughter who had mental health issues. I am glad you are here though, as this is a place that can help you help yourself and provide comraderie with others who share similar experiences.

I would like to suggest that you spend some time in the personality disorders and toolbox tabs above. There you will find a world of good information that will more than likely resonate with you and the situation(s) you have been facing, and potentially give you some insight into self-determining what you may be seeing in your spouse.

Some people come here trying to find information to assist with bringing about changes in their loved one’s behaviors, but those of us who have potentially personalitied disordered loved ones, we quickly learn that the only changes that we are able to make are with ourselves. Not only how we react to and communicate with our loved ones, but also protect ourselves and other vulnerable loved ones (children and/or elderly) who we have responsibility to protect and care for.

I highly recommend you spend a lot of time in the toolbox tab, thinking back at past events and envisioning how the toolbox tools could have helped you evade or shorten the unpleasant dramatic situations. Then, learning the techniques, think forward and plan to put the tools into action. I have found the tools of boundaries (on myself for protection of myself, not to control another person), medium-chill and not J-A-D-E’ing to be especially helpful.

Again, welcome to OOTF and i look forward to future conversation.

SoT.

« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 07:05:53 AM by SonofThunder »

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Proverbs 17:1A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Welcome, Julian R. I'm sorry for the pain you have been suffering and for the helplessness that must come with life with a partner who cannot accept their contribution to the many problems around them.

There's a thriving community on this forum of people in this situation--Chosen Relationships--and if you read through old threads you can start to glean a lot of information and ideas for coping from those who have been learning to survive and thrive in your situation. Also, as SonofThunder suggests, the resources at the top of your tab are exceptional and helpful.

Again, welcome! We hope you find some help and peace here, as many of us have.

Yes, I have begun to browse through some of the site and will particularly look up the tool box.

I can certainly identify with the fact that I cannot change her and that this is as much about how can better manage my own reactions - I can see and admit that the whole thing has sometimes brought out behaviours and attitudes in me that I deeply regret. I just wish I could do better ...

Perhaps what I fear a little is that it is one thing to read and gain insights - it will perhaps be another to actually in the heat of the moment put that good counsel into practice ... I guess it will take time. What is your experience?

Yes, I have begun to browse through some of the site and will particularly look up the tool box.

I can certainly identify with the fact that I cannot change her and that this is as much about how can better manage my own reactions - I can see and admit that the whole thing has sometimes brought out behaviours and attitudes in me that I deeply regret. I just wish I could do better ...

Perhaps what I fear a little is that it is one thing to read and gain insights - it will perhaps be another to actually in the heat of the moment put that good counsel into practice ... I guess it will take time. What is your experience?

By the way, I also am an Englishman!

Hi Julian,

Yes, practice will make perfect and it takes courage also in the heat of the moment and the first time is the hardest. It gets easier each time, once you realize the tools are effective to protect yourself and reduce drama.

But like an army, its during peacetime when simulation practice must occur and it will be that training that kicks in to help you follow through when war breaks out. Therefore i highly advise you take some time to remember the details of past occurances and think through a simulation of the same events, but this time, using your tools and what you should say and/or do to shorten or avoid the drama.

SoT.

Logged

Proverbs 17:1A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Yes, I have begun to browse through some of the site and will particularly look up the tool box.

I can certainly identify with the fact that I cannot change her and that this is as much about how can better manage my own reactions - I can see and admit that the whole thing has sometimes brought out behaviours and attitudes in me that I deeply regret. I just wish I could do better ...

Perhaps what I fear a little is that it is one thing to read and gain insights - it will perhaps be another to actually in the heat of the moment put that good counsel into practice ... I guess it will take time. What is your experience?

By the way, I also am an Englishman!

Hi Julian,

Yes, practice will make perfect and it takes courage also in the heat of the moment and the first time is the hardest. It gets easier each time, once you realize the tools are effective to protect yourself and reduce drama.

But like an army, its during peacetime when simulation practice must occur and it will be that training that kicks in to help you follow through when war breaks out. Therefore i highly advise you take some time to remember the details of past occurances and think through a simulation of the same events, but this time, using your tools and what you should say and/or do to shorten or avoid the drama.

SoT.

Thank you SoT

I will soon post something in either common behaviours or working on it - to start exploring some of the issues etc...

Interestingly at present things are a lot calmer than usual so as you say it might be a good time to reflect and prepare for when things flare up again.

Would your Bible quotes suggest you are a christian? I am, and my wife also is - so one area I have questions is the need to square up how the things on this site relates to christian faith etc ...

...so one area I have questions is the need to square up how the things on this site relates to christian faith etc ...

I can speak to this part. People on this forum come from all faiths (or non-faith), walks of life, political views, sexual orientations, and all the other ways humans can be different from one another. The thing we share in common is a PD person in our life, and our need to give and receive help in navigating that.

From what I have seen, we try to be considerate of another's beliefs and yet are open to share our own, with consideration. I've also noticed that people tend to not try to convert one another, but bring up faith as it relates directly to the issue at hand. I hope that helps.

...so one area I have questions is the need to square up how the things on this site relates to christian faith etc ...

I can speak to this part. People on this forum come from all faiths (or non-faith), walks of life, political views, sexual orientations, and all the other ways humans can be different from one another. The thing we share in common is a PD person in our life, and our need to give and receive help in navigating that.

From what I have seen, we try to be considerate of another's beliefs and yet are open to share our own, with consideration. I've also noticed that people tend to not try to convert one another, but bring up faith as it relates directly to the issue at hand. I hope that helps.

Thank you for clarifying this. I will bear in mind your advice. I have noticed that there is a part of the forum dedicated to spiritual issues and can assure you that anything I post will be respectful and considerate of all, whatever their background. My desire is to learn from others, and perhaps in turn to be supportive. I fully understand this is not the time and place to "convert" people.

Interesting that you have brought up the faith aspect, Julian. That is an area I struggle with, I share your faith but have sadly found myself at the stage of having had to leave my marriage, which caused me considerable anguish in view of my beliefs and the marital vows. We all fall short of perfection but at least faith allows us the hope of forgiveness. Like Julian I will leave this here, as I realise this is not a place for proselytising.

Regarding the faith aspects, please don't take just my view on it as gospel truth, pun intended Really, when we start our own topics and threads that is certainly a place we can be as open about our faith as we would like to. At least that's what I've seen, but maybe it's a good time for a review of forum guidelines. Great conversation and things to think about!

Yes, I have begun to browse through some of the site and will particularly look up the tool box.

I can certainly identify with the fact that I cannot change her and that this is as much about how can better manage my own reactions - I can see and admit that the whole thing has sometimes brought out behaviours and attitudes in me that I deeply regret. I just wish I could do better ...

Perhaps what I fear a little is that it is one thing to read and gain insights - it will perhaps be another to actually in the heat of the moment put that good counsel into practice ... I guess it will take time. What is your experience?

By the way, I also am an Englishman!

Hi Julian,

Yes, practice will make perfect and it takes courage also in the heat of the moment and the first time is the hardest. It gets easier each time, once you realize the tools are effective to protect yourself and reduce drama.

But like an army, its during peacetime when simulation practice must occur and it will be that training that kicks in to help you follow through when war breaks out. Therefore i highly advise you take some time to remember the details of past occurances and think through a simulation of the same events, but this time, using your tools and what you should say and/or do to shorten or avoid the drama.

SoT.

Thank you SoT

I will soon post something in either common behaviours or working on it - to start exploring some of the issues etc...

Interestingly at present things are a lot calmer than usual so as you say it might be a good time to reflect and prepare for when things flare up again.

Would your Bible quotes suggest you are a christian? I am, and my wife also is - so one area I have questions is the need to square up how the things on this site relates to christian faith etc ...

Hi Julian. Yes the times of calm are not the times to relax but time to learn, prepare, run mental simulations of past PD drama episodes to figure out what to say/do. In addition i highly recommend you begin (with everyone in all situations) to pause and think before you speak.

We all have human tendancies to formulate responses while we are also trying to listen and JADE type responses or even opinion/challenge type responses will cause a PD to exponentially respond in accusation or defense, as they are focused on themselves. So ask yourself (quickly) after staying focused on being a good listener, “does what i want to say/respond with REALLY matter or can i simply respond with a nuetral answer like a friend would”. Friends typically answer with neutral responses that convey “i heard what you said”, “i listened to you”, “i care about you” and those neutral answers typically keep the calm or end the chat.

And yes, i am in a lifetime growing relationship with my creator and God, Jesus Christ. Im happy to chat in the religion based parts of the forum. SoT.

« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 08:43:42 AM by Bloomie »

Logged

Proverbs 17:1A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.