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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Give and Get? Maybe.

When we were kids, our mothers said things that we managed
to ignore. Then, one day we awakened and realized that, although
unintentionally, we actually listened to what they said and even more
outrageous , we patterned our lives after things we thought we never
heard. Is this confusing? It’s meant to be. Why should I be
confused all by myself.

Anyway, here’s one thing I, inadvertently, remembered… “You
get what you give”. It was not
quite as colorful as “if you throw something at a pregnant woman the mice will
eat your clothes”. Or, “be careful
what you say in public because you never know who is sitting next to you.” But it was shorter. So, what made me think about it?

Recently,
I had a dream about a
former friend (you will soon understand why she is former), who told me that
she had a dream that her whole family was killed in a car accident. How
horrible,” I said, “No” she
corrected me, “it was like a dream come true”.

Then I had another conversation with a friend who’s mom just
died. “I wish I could care”, she
said, “but we never had any kind of a relationship, so I don’t feel anything.”
Then, as an afterthought she
added, “You know, I bet my kids feel the same way about me. We were never close. In fact, I was just like with my
mom. I didn’t have much time for
them while they were growing up, and now that they are adults, they don’t have
much time for me. Oh well, live and learn.” Obviously, she didn’t.

At lunch today, we were talking about public service. My
lunch companion remarked that he thought public service was a hoax. That it was
a profession for people who couldn’t do anything else – like be lawyers or
doctors. The old, “Those who can
do. Those who can’t, teach. The
conversation was over before it became an argument. Public service is a way to
make a difference… to make the world a better place to live... Blah, blah, blah. When I was a corporate executive, I
thought you were supposed to use your expense account to buy your friends
wonderful lunches and dinners …
Clearly, a case of good public servant gone awry.

To tell you the truth, (as per the first paragraph), the
whole concept of “you get what you give”
is somewhat confusing. Our
parents loved us unconditionally. If we were in trouble, they managed to get us
out of it. If we needed, or just wanted something, there was no question that
we would have it. They were not
“on” us 24/7 (they had their own lives and allowed
us to play without constant supervision), but we never doubted their passion
about parenthood. And because we
were a large extended family there was always some adult or almost adult
lurking in the background. We learned at an early age that giving, always
proceeded getting.

Imagine
my surprise, when I discovered it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes you can give, give, give, and
there is no get, get, get. (Do not for a moment think that this is more of my
tedious whining). OK, maybe it is
a little. But only a little. Here is the “for sure” in this blob
--- If you “give” (especially with
regard to your children and maybe friends), there is a small chance, that you
may “get.” If you expect a get on
your give, don’t hold your breath. It turns out our parents were only partially
correct. Just like with any other learning experience, people have to be taught
how to give. Our parents taught us
what it meant to give. Did we pass
the knowledge to our children. We
can hope we did, but the only way we will know for sure, is in a crisis. And by then, it might just be too
late. As my mother would say,
“time will tell”, or she might admit that the mice will not eat your clothes --
the moths will. On that happy note... We’re just sayin…