Senior moments

Advice for the aged, including tips on how to find a younger woman, pleasing your porn-obsessed lady and cuddle buddies.

Q I'm 64 years young, a musician, chubby, full head of hair, no Viagra needed, no alcohol, I don't mind if you drink, smoker, yes I am. I am also faithful, loyal and single for five years. No health issues, nada, zero, zilch. Not gay, not prejudiced against gays, pro-woman, Democrat, MASCULINE. Except I only like the younger women and women without tattoos. And I like them FEMININE. Ladies my age are a shopping bag of issues with children and ex-hubbies. NO THANK YOU. So what's my problem? Young women see me as an old gizzard. I am not ugly, but I see what younger women go for. These girls are missing out on me because they would rather be abused, cheated on and kicked around by some young prince. Be my guest, dear!

Another problem is that I don't really go out at all, so how the hell am I going to meet a girl? But I long for a girl I can cherish. I'm even willing to marry the right girl if she wishes, no problema. Who cares about age? I sure don't, but they sure do. Of course, I will die first; she can keep the car and everything else for that matter. I can't take it with me. So I have about 24 more years of life and I don't want to wait. Dreaming is free, of course, but I want it right here, right now. Am I asking for too much?
—Oblivious Ladies Disregard Elder Romeo

A Who cares about age? You, OLDER, you care about age. You rule out dating women your own age and then toss out two and possibly three stupid rationalizations for not staying in your actuarial lane: Women your age have children, ex-husbands and tattoos(?). All bullshit. Women your own age might be likelier to have children and ex-husbands, but there are plenty of childless women out there in their 50s and 60s, OLDER, younger women are likelier to have tattoos and everyone (yourself included) has exes.

And excuse me, but women your own age are a shopping bag of issues? You're a shopping mall's worth of issues yourself, OLDER. Issue number one: You can't be honest, even anonymously, about why you wanna date younger women—they make your grizzled old dick hard—so you take a dump on all older women. Issue number two: Male entitlement syndrome. (The universe doesn't owe you a younger woman.) Issues three, four and five: An inability to spot your own hypocrisy, a clear preference for nursing a fantasy (the young woman of your nicotine-stained dreams) over accepting reality (there's no settling down without settling for) and the probability that you've watched way too many movies with actresses in their 20s playing the romantic interests of actors in their 60s and 70s.

If I may be blunt(er): You're an older man, you're a smoker, you're out of shape, you don't leave the house much and, most fatally of all, you harbour resentment for the objects of your desire ("Be my guest, dear!"), something objects of desire always pick up on and are almost always repulsed by. So unless you're a billionaire or an A-list actor, OLDER, the young woman of your dreams is unlikely to break into your apartment. (There's not a lot of overlap between the young gerontophile and burglar communities.) Not even the prospect of inheriting a used car 24 years from now is going to land you a young woman.

My advice, OLDER: Keep dreaming. And if you want to be with a young woman once in awhile, consider renting. But please don't misconstrue anything I've written here as encouragement to date women your own age: They deserve better.

Q I am a 63-year-old man and I am engaged to a wonderful woman in her 50s and our sex life is great. My libido is off the charts when I am with her, and she is always initiating. She told me she used to enjoy teasing and watching guys online shoot while she played with (and exposed) herself, and she loves to see huge loads. It is a massive turn-on for her. But I'm at an age where I produce hardly anything when I ejaculate. Is there a way to increase my production? We watch porn that has guys shooting seemingly endless streams and she gets crazy-horny watching them. I would love to be able to do the same!
—Need To Fill The Girl

A Hydrate more, NTFTG, and go longer between orgasms (days, weeks) and you might see a moderate increase in volume. But you're never gonna blow loads like you did in your teens and 20s, and you're never gonna blow loads like guys do in porn. So what you're doing now—enjoying your fiancee while not denying her the pleasure of watching porn (then reaping the rewards yourself)—is without a doubt your best course of action.

Q I'm a 56-year-old widow. My husband died suddenly eight years ago. We had no children. I've learned how to get along on my own. Lately, though, I've become lonely. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. The problem is that, since menopause hit, I no longer desire sex. I only miss cuddling and holding hands. My body shut the door on sex, and for the most part, I'm fine with it. (Sex with my late husband was truly terrible.) Should I just accept that I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone? —Ready To Give Up

A There are men out there—some around your age, some older, some significantly older—who aren't interested in and/or capable of having sex anymore. Many of these men want companionship, too, and they lurk on dating websites, afraid to respond because they wrongly assume all the women on ourtime.com or seniormatch.com are looking for older guys who can get it up and in. Create a profile and be honest about what you want (companionship, intimacy) and don't want (sex), RTGU, and you'll hear from men who want a life partner and a cuddle buddy, not a sex partner or a fuck buddy.

Finally, if you're content without sex, I'm content. But I wonder if your terrible-at-sex husband didn't create a negative association that a more considerate, attentive partner might be able to break. If you spoke to your doctor about treatment options and then landed in bed with a man who was kind, considerate and capable, but content just to cuddle—so no pressure—you might find yourself wanting to reopen that door.

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