Culture

A treatise on ice cream

So I tend to get pissed off about things that seem pretty minor sometimes, sweating the small stuff or whatever. Anyway, there is one thing that makes me angry, and that is when people have a good thing going for them and they just do not enjoy it. It’s like first world problems, or that Louis C.K. bit about the kids who complain that the phone doesn’t work fast enough without realizing that the signal goes into space and comes back. The gripe that I had when writing this wasn’t at all about technology, or some stupid problem; it was blatant disrespect of a special treat from our youth.

I know it’s sometimes pretty creepy to be a people watcher, but if you say you don’t do it ever, you’re a liar, plain and simple. I was observing two pretty cute girls in the school cafeteria. Protip: if you use “observing” rather than “watching,” it sounds like science, not stalking. They seem like people who should be happy, especially because they are eating ice cream. Ice cream is the best parts of everything it is made out of at once. The only way to make it better is by adding Bailey’s, much like mostly everything in life. Instead of smiles on their faces, they wore frowns. At first, the compassionate part of me was concerned as to why they seemed so sad and were not talking to me.

But then I thought about the situation a bit more, and one question came to mind: why the hell are they so sad while eating ice cream? Are they even thinking about how the ice cream is feeling at that time? I’m sorry, but I’m not playing the world’s smallest violin for you two over in my booth, but instead basically blowing the horns of war. You are not allowed to be that sad while eating ice cream. Ice cream was created by a person who wanted to combine the relaxation that dairy provides, the happiness that sugar provides and the refreshing feeling of eating something cold. Sometimes, they even add chocolate to the mix, because someone awesome decided they should add an aphrodisiac to the mix, which is amazing.

Anyway, before I knew it, I was feeling bad for the ice cream. If ice cream had feelings, these girls were making the ice cream feel as bad as they were apparently feeling. They were doing this through their lack of enjoyment. Luckily for these girls, they got up and left before I could accuse them of blasphemy and demand they apologize to the ice cream.

I was talking to some friends about the whole situation, and they were telling me that sometimes people eat ice cream to feel better. I thought about this, that someone somewhere (who shouldn’t be allowed to live) said, “Hey, you know what? I feel like shit, let’s take something amazing and associate it with something horrible, like depression or sadness.” You know what I eat when I am sad or depressed? Nothing special, that’s what, because I don’t want something special to be associated with a bad situation. I eat ice cream or get something special when something good happens, because that’s deserving of it. When I have kids, I am not going to be the type of dad who gives their kid ice cream after a doctor’s appointment or some other experience that they don’t want to deal with. I don’t want the kid to associate ice cream with shots, check-ups, unpleasant meetings with teachers, deaths, yetis or other bad things.

Ice cream should only be part of a celebration. I am going to get them ice cream after awards, or achievements, so every time they eat ice cream, they feel that success again and appreciate all that is ice cream.They can make cake out of it. Cake! What can ice cream not do? It’s probably medicinal, but the study has not yet been done. I guess what I am saying is this: I don’t think people should be eating ice cream with tears or sadness. It ruins the ice cream, and probably hurts the ice cream’s feelings. (Screw the non-believers; ice cream has feelings and I won’t be told otherwise.) Next time I see someone eating ice cream, I am going to ask them what warranted the ice cream consumption, and if it is awesome, I am going to high-five them. If it is because of something sad, I am going to apologize to the ice cream and walk away. And I ask you all to do the same, because this issue is bigger than you. It’s about all the neglected ice cream out there.

(P.S.: I got that ice cream, chocolate, like those girls were refusing to enjoy. I was listening to music when I was watching them and eating. You know what happened when I got the ice cream? Orchestra music started playing on my phone. It was like the ice cream was rejoicing that it was going to be finally enjoyed, and reached out to my music and said “No words. Right now, it’s ice cream time.” And you know what? That ice cream was awesome, and I enjoyed that ice cream just to spite them.)