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My name is David and I’m a journalist. I’m currently attending Arizona State University after a long and circuitous path, I love sports, animals, arguments and I have a podcast that I host with my classmate Zaid Ayyoub. I’m currently working for the University’s news website . Hopefully, I’ll be able to convey my opinions via print, radio, or broadcast.

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So John Hahn wants you to help raise 15 Gs for his brand new drinking game, titled Get QRunk. Lil Jon copyright infringements aside, the game’s premise seems quite intriguing for the 20-something alcoholic (read: frat boyzzz). It’s like the drinking-game-trivia version of Cards Against Humanity, which rose to fame via the same crowdsourcing methods.

The big difference is the way the game updates content. Even a sophomore three-quarters of the way down their beer-soaked spiral to becoming one of those kids on your left during freshman orientation would be able to answer the same questions correctly after two or three boozefests. Luckily, our founder has a solution:

When you buy the deck of cards that will be the only deck you ever need for life. No need to buy expansion packs. What makes this card game unique besides the use of QR codes is the ability to change the URL links associated with the QR codes to new video content or shuffle it around. This way we can always keep the content fresh and different. We plan on swapping in new content every week so the game is never the same and players can’t memorize content. We will also be accepting any funny videos from users to be added to one of the categories, so the game can have your content as well. Also, the upgraded cards will be made of 100% Plastic so your drinks can’t ruin them.

So not only can you submit your own videos to help get a leg up on the competition (or over that bangin’ classmate/coworker you’ve been eyeing), you don’t have to worry about ruining the cards you “accidentally” spilled your drinks on when you’re too drunk to properly recognize that monkey’s ass you submitted the week before.

If it wasn’t for that horrid computer lady’s voice and John’s monotone, (which makes it sounds like he lost a few rounds himself) I might actually throw him some ends myself for my own set. But when your parents are so lazy that half of your first name is identical to your last, what can you expect?

I danced with my cousin today.

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This is the real summer of the apocalypse. Brad Pitt’s going to be working on his tan while fighting zombies, Channing Tatum’s taking a quick vacay to the White House while saving America and Seth Rogen’s doing his best to avoid burning in the scorching Hollywood Hills and getting titfucked by the Devil.

And as good as This Is The End was and the other two sound, the premise of one low-budget thriller was more interesting than them all. The Purge presented an idea guaranteed to give Daniel Ocean the biggest stiffy of his life: what would you do if all crime was legal for the next 12 hours?

So the movie falls woefully short on cultivating provocative thought seeds. But after you manage to pull yourself up out of the plot holes scattered through this movie like shotgun pellets and equally terrible dialogue (Merry Purging!), the provocative thought stays miraculously intact.

Since I know now that what crimes I would commit during the 12-hour-reprieve, a new thought came to mind: how does one make sure they stay a Purger instead of becoming a Purgee?

Since my friend Jessica and I considered ourselves survivors (for making it out of the movie theater without killing ourselves), we came up with a list of 10 things you can do to save yourself during the minipocalypse.

Because when it comes to saving your ass, 11 is just too damn many.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

1. Fuck Charlie.

Charlie is to be the son of the protagonist who sells shitty security that ends up letting in a bunch of crazies looking for a homeless guy. You know why those crazies were looking for a homeless guy? Because Charlie let them in.

No Charlie, no movie, no Purge. No Charlies in my circle.

2. FUCK CHARLIE.

Don’t hang out with this kid. If you enjoy life, anyway.

Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking kid? Did I mention the homeless dude was black? Listen, if I’m a white family during the Purge, the last thing I’m going to do is give a brother carte blanche to take out 400 years of oppression on my folks for 12 hours. Apparently, Charlie’s never seen Roots, which gives you another reason not to hang out with his uncultured ass.

3. No new passwords.

So you’re the head of your average post-Purge dystopian family, all set to lock you and yours in for the night. You enter your password into your security system, watch the doors seal and stick your fingers in your ears to block out all those pesky death screams.

What you don’t do is give Charlie the password to unlock it. If you’re sealed in, you’re sealed in. Fuck Charlie.

4. No new friends.

Still down with my Day One Purgers, knowwhatimtalkinbout?

There’s Drake. He’s alive because he doesn’t make new friends when homicidal maniacs are running afoot. Charlie made new friends, and his dad died. Seeing a theme here?

5. Make up your mind

The Purge is not the time for flip-flopping. The husband and wife team in this movie go through a moment where they torture a prisoner in order to get him to surrender his life to the bloodthirsty mob coming after him. Then they realize it’s a bad thing and change their minds. Then they realize their whole family is going to get murdered if they don’t, so maybe it’s not so bad. Thankfully, before they can go through it again the mob is driven crazy by the indecision and decides to break in and start shooting, putting an end to pussyfooting in movies once and for all. Maybe this flick isn’t as bad as I though.

5. Shoot them in the head.

Hit it and quit it.

Really, this is a rule anyone in a horror/thriller needs to follow. If there’s one thing the movies have taught me, it’s that bullets below the nose are useless. Pop that six-year-old in the head or he’s guaranteed to gain 50 pounds of muscle, Navy SEAL-level weapons training and a healthy dose of revenge before the next scene.

6. Do not buy security from Ethan Hawke.

If you missed it earlier, Ethan Hawke’s character sells shoddy security systems for a living, a booming industry in 2022 given that every 364 days America decides to get all homicidal and shit. What I don’t get is how you install said shitty security system in your own house, allowing said homicidal maniacs to run all up in your windows. Unless you like an extra knife in your side of ribs.

7. Keep the monologues to a minimum.

This happened at least five times:

Bad guy [standing over would-be victim]: “And now is the time it ends for you [victim name here], as I have finally cornered you and can easily end your life. Let me tell you in excruciating detail how I will do just that!”

Would be victim: Begs/cries/shits themself

Tertiary character with impeccable sense of timing: walks around corner, blows villain into smithereens

SCENE.

Again, the timely hero is a trope that tends to infect all horror/thriller films. But five times in one movie? By the third time, cowering in fear should be reduced to tweeting “omg this crazy dude is standing over me and won’t stop #stfu #somebodyshoothimalready.”

“We’re here for Billy’s 7th birthday party? Down the street you say? Sorry, my mistake. By the way, would you happen to have any sharp objects we could borrow?”

8. Take off the damn clown masks.

Wearing novelty masks while committing crimes reached the height of its popularity in 2010. Ben Affleck’s The Town allowed you to forget that it was really Daredevil behind that nun mask holding the AR-15, because nobody’s afraid of a blind gunman. Unfortunately, plastic masks still allow you to get your head smashed into a piano (best case scenario) or blown off by your equally unstable homicidal buddy. The mask should’ve been the tipoff there.

10. Don’t mess with Texas.

Turns out the “winner” of the 2022 Purge Games was Dallas. Not sure what “winning” entails, but all the more reason not to fuck with the place. And if the Spurs lose tonight while you happen to be in the Lone Star State, remember to keep the monologues short.