seems so easy, just to let it go on by. till you stop and wonder, why you never wondered why...

transcribed from last night's paper journal:

it's been a weird couple of days and i feel like it's all coming crashing in tonight. i flipped through most of my cds and couldn't even find one that i wanted to hear. i finally settled on an old mix tape that k made for me what seems like a million years ago, but that only seems to be compounding this bizarre emotional state i'm finding myself in. but then again, that's precisely what i want it to be doing and probably why nothing else was appealing to me tonight. it's so strange, how much time i've spent lately looking back on my life "then", comparing it to now... trying to figure out where i fit, trying to find rhyme or reason as to the paths i've taken, trying to suss out what is real in my life now - what might have been illusion in my past.

i was talking with someone today about how some years, or periods in your life will always be better, brighter than others. he replied that "part of life is not dwelling on those, or trying to recreate them" - and in some respects i agree with him. but it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through many "regime changes" how the rise an fall of certain eras of your life force you to go back and take stock of things. and perhaps, yes, you can't recreate those moments - but you're forced to question what it was about those points in time that made you happy, that felt so right..

this week's nostalgia trip for me, my big "what was so wonderful about it an what went wrong" investigation if you will... had been michelle. i don't know why, but this week i'm missing her so much it actually, physically HURTS. i just feel so lost and alone lately and i've been craving our friendship. it's nothing against my wonderful new friends, or the rest of the tuckahoe girls - but i feel like there was this ONE person in the world who got me... and now she's gone. i was myself more with her than with anyone ever, we shared everything with each other. so much a part of each other's lives that it never mattered who was pouring their heart to who - the other knew every step, every thought, every move the other had made to bring her there. it was an amazing and beautiful thing we had, and that anything would ever be able to sever that bond was inconceivable, until it happened.

so, you say - if it was so special, why not seek her out? rebuild what was lost? the thing is, as much as i want to, as much as i'd be willing to forgive, i'm not sure she'd be open to it - i'm not sure she's even the same person anymore. and even then - as strong a bond as trust is - it's the most fragile commodity i know, and once it's been broken - i'm not sure it can ever truly be reforged.

i know. i'm a wreck. first i moan and groan about whether or not i'm doomed to be numb forever, then i moan about not having anyone to cry about it to. well, now, i suppose we've seen that i don't have to worry about whether or not i still have the capacity to love - or at least to feel again - and, i suppose the journal is my shoulder to cry on for now. just kind of sucks that it doesn't come with hugs or slurpees or long aimless drives with perfectly harmonized car-karaoke. ::sigh:: oh, my best girl... i hope wherever you are you're happier with how things are now than i am.

in other news... who wants to escort an obviously emotional, rather issue-ridden girl to dyana & sean's wedding next month? that's right folks... i do believe this is the very first time i've ever been invited to a wedding "+ guest", only now i have to scrounge up a date. of course the girls have determined that i should take one of "the boys" as they didn't get their own invitations, so right now the front runner is kevin lynch. now, i obviously love kev & all, but i still think it would be a little weird to be on a formal "date" with him - even if it is just as friends (which OF COURSE it would be)

side bar: i lost the case to this tape... who the hell sings "classic girl"? anyone? bueller? it's sounds like jane's addiction... but i can't be sure. help. and now, back to your regularly scheduled programming:

so, what i mean to say is that i'm open to suggestion on the topic of "wedding date". it's the saturday of memorial day weekend AND the lucky boy will get a free night's stay at a lovely hotel in the lovely morristown, nj area.

okay. i think i've managed to excise my demons for the night. california here i fucking come. i have never been so ready for a vacation in my entire life. /entry

i read this link from ashley today, and you should too. especially if you love nick drake, or if you're a struggling musician, or both, or know anyone who's either. just read it. it's from the guardian. it's good. but be forewarned... it's not exactly a feel-good piece. oh nick, gone before i was even born. so sad. so very very sad.