11 posts categorized "Play"

March 13, 2015

Although most young children - and many older ones - will be attracted to flashing, noisy toys, with care and forethought, one can create a family culture whereby the values of what is true, beautiful and good are embodied in one's home.The cop-out refrain of 'but he wanted this' are valid insofar as yes, a child, being a child, does not possess the ability to stand back and truly determine at all times what is in her best interest (are we as adults always able to do this?!) but if we take the time to hear behind the child's words and see behind the child's actions, we can indeed see that more often than not, inappropriate toys are not what a child truly wants. Just as a diet based on sugar and junk food will not enhance the child's health, something that those who take the time to develop real insight into observation of children can clearly see, so too do toys which are not life-affirming have a detrimental effect on a child. The quality of play, the general contentedness and amiability of the child, and the real satisfaction gained from open ended toys which let a child be free are readily observable in children who have access to such things.

Open-ended toys are not necessarily expensive, not necessarily handmade, not necessarily imported from Germany....Cardboard boxes are one of the best toys available, as are things found in Nature such as pine cones, smooth stones, and similar. Add a good supply of wooden planks of different lengths and off-cuts for indoor and outdoor play and a stock of odd scarves, hats and lengths of cloth from a second-hand shop, and a child has all that they need at a price anyone can afford.

Having too many toys can be as negative as having inappropriate toys. If there is one mantra that every parent would do well to at least consider as she is thinking about the needs of her child, it is 'less is better'. Addictive behaviours, those that at some point can sometimes be diagnosed within the OCD or even autistic range, are often accidently created in a child with the best of intentions. Of course there are children who, no matter how they are parented, display addictive behaviours - but in my 30+ years of working with children I have too often seen such things created. Organic disorders do not suddenly right themselves when a mother or father decides to alter how they parent! Creating and then feeding a 'more, more, more' attitude and expectation is one of the most damaging things we can do as a parent. But in a society which values 'more is better' and challenges us to shop our way to happiness, it can be a very hard lesson for a parent to learn, and one that is not widely supported. (Do have a listen to our free audio download on 'Therapeutic Waldorf' for more on this).

One mustn't overlook, of course, the fact that children can play very creatively with the most inappropriate things. Children the world over make do with whatever odds and ends they can find, if they are poor, or with the expensive gadgets and gizmos they are given if they are rich. Those children whose innate creativity has not been deadened by being overwhelmed with too much stuff or muffled by the pain of poverty can come up with the most wonderfully inventive games with all sorts of things. Many years ago I used to run a wonderful online forum for Christopherus clients and one member shared how her daughters would take their barbie and Ken dolls and, depending on their age and what main lessons they were having, use the dolls to act out adventures of Native American myths, gods and goddesses, Amazons or whatever was living in them from the wealth of substance they were enriched by from the stories they were being told.

At the same time, children can also learn to discern the good, beautiful and true, and whether it is reflected in their surroundings or not. As my sons grew older, they would politely accept the hideously inappropriate gifts my mother would give them (you'd think after having sent me to a Waldorf school from age 4 - 18 she would have caught on at some point but clearly not!) and then set them aside where they would never be played with. Because of their environment and how we strove to bring them up, they could sense the disharmony between what nurtured their souls and what did not.

And surely this is what we are striving for - to raise children not to be so overly sensitive that they cannot tolerate plastic playthings or are snobbish in their attitudes. Rather, the point is to raise children who become adults who can discern between what is good, beautiful and true and that which is not - and be able to use this in their inner compass to navigate and make sense of what they encounter in the world. A soul which is enriched by being encouraged to explore through life-affirming experiences in childhood is one which will be strengthened to take whatever path calls them when it is time to go out into the world.

November 15, 2014

It is a wonderful thing for every child, boy or girl, to have a doll. As a sleeping companion, confidante and general companion, the doll should be soft and warm. Most "Waldorf dolls" are stuffed with real wool because wool retains AND, most importantly, engenders, warmth. Such a doll should barely have any features at all so that dolly can be sad or happy, angry or joyful as the child sees fit.

The doll can have the same or similar skin color as the child and can be the same gender or not. These considerations, however, have more to do with adult sensibilities than the reality of a young child's consciousness: no child under about 4 or 5, unless awakened to the fact, knows about racial identity and a "white" or "black" (or green or purple) doll has potentially the same resonance with any child of any racial background as long as adults have not brought attention to this issue. Having said that, for an older child (of about 6 and up) having a doll with similar racial features/skin color can be extremely important for that child as he is beginning to develop his own relationship to the world and to who is he.

Regarding the gender of the doll, it is best to leave this ambiguous so that the doll can reflect the child's changing relationship to gender, depending upon, for instance, what role the doll is taking in play. Some children are quite definite about whether dolly is a girl or a boy but for many, dolly having a gender is simply not part of the picture. This should be respected and thus it is best if adults take care in how they speak to a child about his doll. Asking "what's your doll's name" is thus a better strategy than "what's she (or he) called?"

A primary role for the doll is its part in the imitative life of the child. Many little boys whose mothers breastfeed will also 'breastfeed' their babies. It is best if no comment is made on this, either positively or negatively. Such play is what it is - a child imitating an important adult activity. The fact that only women produce milk is of no relevance or importance to the child. By remarking on it either with concern or approval (depending on how the adult views this activity) one is missing the point - a child's need for imitation is activity-based, not thought-based. This is of vital importance for young children and really should be allowed free scope without adult feedback.

Many adults find it incredibly difficult to speak with young children without projecting their own positive or negative responses to what the child is doing or refraining from pulling the child out of her quite appropriate sphere of consciousness into another kind of consciousness. By simply affirming what a child is doing ("Ah, I see dolly is coming to lunch, too") one leaves the child free. If instead the adult say something like "do you think dolly needs to have lunch?" then the adult is bringing her own agenda into the situation. Whether dolly should or shouldn't be at lunch or whether he is going to eat or not may never have occurred to the child - now suddenly there is a question. To answer a question one must draw back from the situation, reflect and think forward. Before age about 6, it is best if this kind of thinking, this orientation to the world, is emphasized as little as possible.

Of course, I am at risk of sounding like a complete nut, making such a big deal out of this. So what if when granny comes she spends the whole time grilling Junior about everything he does - surely the fact that granny adores Junior and he adores her is more important? Of course. But I make a point about this because it is opposite to how most people behave with young children, due to the incredibly narrow picture of childhood - and the development of human beings - that we are surrounded with in our culture. People's fears about their child 'being behind' prompts many to carry on a running dialogue with their child from day to night. This unfortunately often also includes the narrowing of the boundaries of how the child can play and thus how he develops as a human being.

If one is not considering and reflecting and stepping back from a situation or phenomena, then one is immersed in it. One is in a state of Oneness, of undifferentiatedness. This is the natural state of consciousness of young children. If dolls can be girls at one moment and boys at another, if a cardboard box can be a castle then a garage then a bear's cave - then the fluidity of imaginative play, which is the absolute bedrock of creativity, is being allowed free rein. As soon as a toy can only be played with one way, as soon as adults inform a child that this or that can only be played with like this, then the child takes a step away from the realm where, for a young child, freedom must be paramount. For a young child, freedom of choice in terms of, for instance, what jacket should he wear, makes little sense. The child's etheric (life energy) and physical bodies need support by clear and rhythmic forms. But in the realm of imaginative play, adult boundaries have no place.

If you'd like to know more about Waldorf (or more accurately, anthroposophical) ideas about the development of consciousness of the child and how this is reflected by the Waldorf curriculum, you might like to listen to my free audio download on this subject. I feel that this topic is so important that I made the talk free, so that more people could listen and see if these ideas resonate with them

We also sell an audio download about talking pictorially to young children which many people find very helpful as the usual advice one receives about talking to young children is based on the assumption that the consciousness of the child is not fundamentally different from that of older children or adults, that children are simply less experienced human beings. Close observation of children perhaps aided by anthroposophical insights (or by the work of people such as Piaget) prove otherwise.

November 15, 2010

The following was written by Sarah Baldwin, owner of Bellaluna Toys. Many of you will be thinking about holiday gifts at this time of year and Bellaluna certainly provides some of the best toys which we can recommend. Here are some thoughts on "Waldorf toys" by Sarah. And after reading, you can visit her website and have a look at all her lovely offerings!

What Are “Waldorf Toys?”

When I am asked by a new acquaintance what I do for a living, I explain that I am a Waldorf early childhood teacher and that I now own an online shop selling Waldorf toys. I am frequently met with a blank stare, in which case I know that more explanation is needed. I will go on to explain that the kinds of toys I sell are wooden, eco-friendly and natural toys. This gives most people a better idea, but there is so much more to it than that. Beyond simply being “green” toys, what exactly makes a toy a “Waldorf toy?”

Nourishing to the Senses

Since families have become more eco-conscious in recent years, toymakers are producing many more eco-friendly and natural toys to meet the increasing demand. But Waldorf schools, which originated in the 1920’s, have always provided children with toys made of natural materials, such as wood, silk, wool and cotton. Yes, these kinds of toys are good for the environment, but most importantly, they are good for children!

One important hallmark of a “Waldorf toy” is that it be nourishing to a young child’s senses. Imagine the sensory experience of a toddler cuddling a rigid, hard plastic doll with synthetic hair, and then cuddling a Waldorf doll stuffed with wool, covered in cotton with a head of soft mohair. Not only is the Waldorf doll more aesthetically pleasing, but its softness and warmth will also having a calming and soothing effect on a young child.

Beautiful to Behold

Waldorf toys should be beautiful to behold, because sight is as important as touch. We want to nurture children in a beautiful environment and their playthings should be beautiful as well. By surrounding children with beauty, we are not only contributing to their sense of wellbeing (or “sense of life,” as Rudolf Steiner referred to it), but also developing their aesthetic awareness and appreciation.

Toys that are made from natural materials, with natural colors and rich hues, and those that are lovingly made by hand are inviting and contribute to a child’s “sense of life.” A child is much more likely to feel reverence for a beautiful handcrafted toy and care for it accordingly than he is for a mass-produced plastic toy.

As Plato recognized, “the most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things.”

Inspiring the Imagination

Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, suggested that children’s playthings should be largely unformed in order to stimulate a child’s imagination. What does this mean? Waldorf toys are often simple, without a lot of detail.

Waldorf teachers believe that toys should be simple and open-ended. Baskets of tree branches, play silks, stones, pinecones and shells all can be transformed into a myriad of objects. During a typical morning in a Waldorf kindergarten, one would likely see shells become money; wooden blocks become food; a small piece of tree branch become a telephone; silks become skirts and veils; and so on. By giving children objects that are not highly formed and detailed, they can easily become more than one thing, and give children’s imaginations free reign.

If you are familiar with a Waldorf doll, you no doubt have noticed that such dolls have minimal facial features, and sometimes no faces at all! As is the case with most aspects of Waldorf education, the reason is not arbitrary. Waldorf dolls have minimal or no faces in order to encourage the imagination of the young child—to cultivate her “inner picturing” abilities.

Again, think of a hard, formed plastic doll, with a highly detailed face, and a fixed, frozen smile. If a young child is playing “house” and caring for this baby, it is hard to imagine this baby to be sad or crying. Children want to imitate real life. Real babies smile and laugh, but they also look sad or cry when they are hungry or need changing. If a doll has just two eyes, and a suggestion of a mouth, the child is more easily able to imagine this baby expressing a range of emotions, living richly in her imaginative life. For the same reason, Waldorf puppets have only the barest suggestion of faces.

Imitation: Play is a Child’s Work and Toys Are Her Tools

Children naturally want to imitate adults and their daily activities. As Waldorf teachers, we strive to be adults “worthy of imitation” and bring consciousness to our gestures as we engage in the daily tasks of living, such as cooking and cleaning in the classroom, knowing that children will imitate our activities we attempt to work in an unhurried and careful way.

Bringing consciousness to one’s daily activities at home, and providing children with child-sized versions of household items such as a play kitchen, wooden play dishes, and tools such as a broom, or dustpan and brush will allow children to fully engage in their imaginative imitation of daily life, and build real life skills as well.

As I’ve tried to stress to parents over the years, choosing toys is not about “good toys” vs. “bad toys.” Rather, it’s about bringing new consciousness to selecting children’s playthings. Ask yourself:

Is it beautiful?

Does it feel good?

Does it leave room for the imagination?

Will it inspire imitative play?

If you can answer yes to these questions, you will be providing your child with all the tools needed for years of healthy play!

May 27, 2009

We had a great thread on the Waldorf at Home on line discussion group recently, started by a member who needed help managing when neighborhood children would come to play - and would trash her house! The following is an amalgamation of the responses I wrote - I put it here because I know that this is a problem that many people have, although not necessarily as extreme as our forum member experienced it! And these neighborhood children are only 4 or 5 years old. The reference to Boundaries is to a previous blog post I wrote on this subject and which you might also like to read.

Well - you are just going to have to regard these times that children come over as structured play times - not free play or play dates. You will need to welcome the children in, sit them down at a table, give them a snack and make sure they stay there - you are right there with them. No Montessori "facilitating" or "setting up play stations" () - you have to be right in there stage managing every second of the visit. You need to be a Waldorf kindergarten teacher Super Plus (and many Waldorf kindergarten teachers are not taught how to deal with tough situations like this).

After snack: "Here sweetie, take this to the table. Nope - come back - we're not finished....here's a cloth - you may wipe the table" and so on. Then "Now we are going to play a game". Lead them through a few circle games. Then have a story. Take the little boy into your lap - he is probably dying to have an adult's warm and centered aura surrounding him so he can relax into his body. Then :"Ok - what a lovely visit. Time to go home now. W will walk you home" Keep the initial visits to no more than 1 hour. CLEAR BOUNDARIES EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!

And at every step of the way you are right in there to the fore. Your presence, your guidance, your calm structuring of the situation will allow play to happen and allow the children to be in your home. This is a therapeutic situation - and I am afraid it is absolutely normal these days. Many parents, of course, don't witness these problems because when children come over, they are immediately plugged in to a machine of some sort. The children are left to deal with the energy built up in them by the images they view all by themselves. And it does come put - maybe at school the next day, maybe it builds up to a crescendo and a huge out burst. And maybe the children get labeled as having ADHD or some other problem when really, they are just being mishandled and not understood and their developmental needs are not being met.

I strongly suggest that you sit down and have a good think anticipating the future. You need to have absolute boundaries (key word these days, eh?!). If they do not cooperate, they go home. Not a threat - a friendly fact - that's how it is. No wheedling or cajoling. Do say things like "ok - you can go run around back at your house. But here - let's play this game first" (Oh - and I do suggest you select your games with care and that you do not have too high expectations - it could well be that these children have never had a chance to play ring games and simply do not know how to play. Again - a very common scenario in the lives of America's materially rich and spiritually impoverished children). You need to work via imitation and being right in there physically taking charge.

The pictorial language will not work on children like this because they are so out of themselves that they are unable to be receptive to the images. They cannot even imitate. You have to build up the foundations for them from scratch. Hard work - but very rewarding.

Think ahead a few weeks or months - ok, you've cracked it, the children can play together. You need to have rules about what happens when someone brings his gameboy over. Or invites your child to their house to "play" ie watch videos.

You need to be busy so that the "dumping by parents" problem you mentioned is nipped in the bud" "Yes - that will be lovely to have X here - but we are going out at 11 so you can pick him up then - great. .... No - he can't come with us - that doesn't work. Great to have him here now - see you later!" And really do go out so they can't call your bluff. If they pull a no-show, take the child to their house and leave him there. You're going to have to be tough to make this work. Tough and VERY clear.

These are therapeutic situations for the parents, too. Imagine being the parent of a child who is off the wall - you'd be desperate to pawn him off on someone else for a few hours! And if those parents don't have the skills and experience to cope....well, it's not that it's your job to teach them - but if this is going to work, you are the one who is going to have to put most of the work in. That's just how it is. Your goal which you articulated was to enable your own daughter to be able to play with the neighborhood children - and this is the hand you've been dealt. There really aren't any short-cuts.

The parents have boundary issues. That's why they dump their children on you. You can't change them. But you can work on your own boundary issues. And if "politeness" and nervousness are getting in your way, then that's your area to focus on! You have to do it! Isn't parenting great?! What fantastic opportunities it provides for our own self development! This is going to be tough, I am sure - but if you manage to get on top of this one, you'll be able to handle anything life throws at you!

July 30, 2007

(The first part of this entry is a re-worked post from my old yahoo group... I then went on to discuss gun play....)

I think the key to a lot of the questions around sword play is "can my child rise up to something within himself to play safely with this sword?"I think one should make a big deal of presenting a beautiful sword to a child - other families create little ceremonies. The point is that the child knows and understands that this is a special thing - to be used wisely.

But if the child is too young or if he's a forgetful child who loses himself in the heat of passionate play, then I think one should wait. Let him know that "one day, when he's ready" he will get his sword. Give him something to work on in his inner being, something to aspire to. Let him know that once he has that sword, it means he is trusted and that he, out of his own inner resources, is able to act responsibly. Few children are ready for this until after about 6 or 7 years of age. Before that, I would let them make swords as they want to - but have strong, clear and firm rules about what is ok and what is not. Sticks will be taken away if necessary - no "swords" in the house, none when younger children are present, no running - and if he can heed these rules then you will know that he is moving toward the ability to be responsible for a proper wooden sword.

I wouldn't suggest discussing this rationally with such a little one, though. But through story and anecdote, you can let him know that once upon a time it was a very special thing when a knight got his sword. Only the King could give it to him. He had to perform many tasks and work very hard before he was deserving of his sword, before the king could trust him to be a guardian of the kingdom..... Give it life, breath imagination into it - your boy will be rapt! And repeat at frequent intervals.

Aa youth worker of over 20 years experience, as a mother of boys and hostess of frequent "boy weekends" at our farm (which included unsupervised use of fire, knives, walking on a frozen lake, being in a barn around horses etc etc) I know that children have the capacity to play safely with swords and to use tools such as knives safely. But not when they are tiny. It is not fair to expect a little person - who is meant to be at one with the world, not an inward looking being conscious of his actions in the world - to take responsibility before his time.

A whole other kettle of fish is the use of guns, both in play and for more serious pursuits. When my boys were little, there was no gun play. Then came water guns and who can say no to that? So they were allowed - but with rules. The main rule was "no shooting at people who are not playing." This became the main rule for all gun play - because soon we decided to let them play with guns. I have never been particularly keen on gun play. I much prefer swords because the players have to engage one another much more closely and cooperate and negotiate to make the play work. There is a lot of skill involved and one can really appeal to the "knights' code" and such to help the boys be uplifted in their play. With guns, there is none of this. Indeed, the whole scene around gun play can be really awful - noisy, undignified, thuggish and unpleasant.

But... there appears to be something in boys - not all, but most - that not just desires such play but needs it. I have worked for too long with children, children from a wide variety of racial, ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds, Waldorf children and not Waldorf children, to not recognize this very deep need.

So I think it is something that parents need to honor. I think rules need to be established and adhered to - we had a "no guns in the house" rule (they were kept in the garage or barn and could not be played with indoors). I also think swords should be emphasized over guns because of what I said above - but really, little ones under about 6 or 7 cannot be expected to understand and keep any sword etiquette rules. So that might mean guns for a while if older siblings or neighborhood boys have gotten them into guns. But it is not too late to set clear rules (which you will have to be the guardian of) and to also present them with their swords when they are older.

One thing I certainly saw with my sons was that the care that they took with their swords did seem to have a knock-on effect with how they treated their guns. I don't mean they cared for the guns themselves - but I did feel that far more of their gun play was actually elaborate planning and negotiating and making strategies with their friends than I have seen in other boys.

As they reached their teens, one son remains interested in guns and likes to shoot targets. The other is into archery and has no interest in guns. One of their similarly-raised friends at 18 is a pacifist with no interest in guns. And the fourth of this little group of previously gun-mad boys does occasionally go hunting with his father (he does live in rural Wisconsin!) but is otherwise the gentlest, most caring young man one would ever want to meet.

So does early "violent" play beget violent young men? I would emphatically say "NO." Not in my family, not in my experience with friends, not in my experience with youth and children I have worked with. Real play helps children find their orientation to the world and to make sense of it. It does not lead to violence.

April 17, 2007

A concern that many people express is about children who do not seem to want to engage in play or who prefer to stand aside and to watch. As our society values a "get ahead" and assertive attitude toward life above all, parents with a child who does not embody these characteristics often worry. Is there something wrong? Why won't he join in?

As so often in the various things I write, I put the blame for this confusion squarely on our modern Western cultural norms which have inappropriately invaded childhood and which cause so many people to have a poor understanding of the nature of childhood. And of course, as so many people become parents without actually having the chance to really observe and be with young children, the confusion is perpetuated by the myriad of "experts" who create milestones and expectation charts which basically say that if your child ain't a leader, he ain't gonna succeed.

(Of course we could digress into a lengthy exploration of what the parameters of success might be to those who hold this view - but that would take us too far away from the point I'm trying to make).

And that point is this: that all children learn, to some extent, passively and for some children, this is the main way that they internalize the world.

Let me define terms: by passive I mean outwardly inactive. Indeed, in a situation where a child might seem to be doing nothing, he might actually be extremely active. But his activity is an inner activity.

One of the things which drew me powerfully to an appreciation of attachment parenting was the idea of the passive baby. Jean Liedloff, on whose work much of AP is based, saw clearly that the babies strapped to the backs of native peoples learned an enormous amount in that seemingly passive position. Their bodies learned invaluable amounts about balance, movement, and rhythm. The children learned about their mothers' work, their siblings play and the customs and habits of their people by witnessing what happened around them and by absorbing, via their mother's very being, everyday life.

From a Waldorf point of view, with the aid of knowledge of the Madonna's Cloak, an etheric link between the mother and her child, we can bring an even deeper appreciation to understanding the importance of passive learning. Because of this link, the tiny child learns primarily via his mother, via her experiences, her feelings, her thoughts. There is no barrier between a mother and a very young child. Waldorf then teaches us about the primacy of imitation which starts sometime after 3, reaches a peak around 5 and fades after 7 or 8. By 9, as the child reaches the 9 year change and separates more fully from his parents and teachers or other adults, this faculty fades. Whether we choose to cultivate it or not, all young children learn via imitation. What we would like him to learn and experience causes us to take great care with his surroundings and who the people are around him.The child imitates all that she sees with no discernment, internalizing her environment.

And here is the paradox: such passive learning is in fact extremely active. We know that young children especially (and all children) need to learn actively and to involve their bodies. This can take the form of hopping, clapping and all the rhythmical games and exercises which work so powerfully on the physical being of young children. But when we give the children the right story material to work with, we also engage them actively - even if they are sitting, seemingly passive. The right stories told or read at the right time work on the child's soul - and this is a crucial part of real learning, learning that actively engages the whole human being. Children who receive such lessons work actively with them and their bodies can respond as well as if they had spent the lesson climbing a tree!

Indeed, Steiner often said that the most important part of learning is that which takes place during sleep. This is the time when children take the lessons they have received during the day into the spiritual worlds (or into their subconscious of you prefer!) and actively - on a soul level - work with them. What they give back to the teacher and then work with artistically the next day is that much richer.

I should also say that passive learning in groups of mixed age children is the natural way for children to learn. In parts of the world where children still know how to play, much of group play involves a lot of standing around talking. Negotiating, planning, brainstorming and excited what if scenarios form much of children's play. And who is doing the talking? The older children - usually those over 9 years old. The younger ones may participate to some extent - but for the most part, they stand around and listen and watch. They are learning an enormous amount about how to be a child - and how to be a human being.

So the next time someone says your child should "join in" or you feel worried because you see her spending more time watching play than engaging in play, think about how children learn. American "go get 'em" attitudes are not the only way to be in this world.

March 16, 2007

(the following comes from my stock of old posts I kept from the yahoo group I used to run...)

One thing that needs to be addressed is the issue of media violence. I think normal good guy bad guy stuff is a vital part of childhood - but I also think that one has to put it into context. Just as we wouldn't want our children doing good guy bad guy stuff role playing Cowboys and Indians in this rather more enlightened day, I think one does have to help children find healthy outlets for this kind of play. Nourishing stories such as fairy tales and legends from many cultures give a good set of roles for a child to work with.

However, though it might be fairly straightforward for us to ensure that our own children get the kinds of images and archetypes we feel is healthy for them, we can't guarantee that that is the case for the children they play with. That's when it gets tough. If other children are playing Grand Auto Theft as you say and bringing that to your children than I think it's decision time - are these children you want your child to play with? It may be possible to ask their Moms to not let them "play" (and many people unfortunately think that video and game boys use is play) with those things when your child visits but that's not going to stop the talk and excitement about it if that's the hot game at the moment. Then I think the only recourse you have is to firmly let your child know that you don't approve of these things, that unfortunately, so-and-so has this game but that you feel it's not for your family.

But I also think that this is delicate - you don't want your own child to feel bad about being interested in these things - and from your post(that I am responding to) it seems he is conflicted. Of course he is. And he needs to be able to work this out. I would suggest that you make your feelings clear to him - but that you also make sure you say plenty of positive things about these other boys. I think you should completely ignore the comment about "killing" you - he no more means that then a furious 4 year old means it when she screams "I hate you". He is simply experimenting with something that is obviously important - look how upset his mother got!

A primary way of approaching things like this from a Waldorf perspective is to always, when possible, redeem. Redeem, metamorphose, transform. Find the good, turn things around. It can take effort - if your son is a leader in the group, then give him roles and skills to bring to his friends. Find some heroic stories like Hiawatha the Peacemaker in my Saints & Heroes book or of Lancelot or Robin Hood - maybe he can bring some of that play to his friends. And if he can't because he's embarrassed or too young then don't worry - even if they seem to playing the most disgusting games you don't know what's going on in their heads, what their own internal dialogue is during this play. He might well be redeeming such things himself. And if you give plenty of story material that shows how this can be done - just as a matter of course, not telling him that this is what you're doing - and if you don't make him feel bad but make him feel supported in his search for what is good and true, then he'll come through just fine. As a youth worker with 20+ years experience working with all kinds of children - most from very rough non Waldorf backgrounds who didn't just have violence on their tv's but in their own lives - I can tell you that it can be ok. Trust your son, trust your powerful ability to love and see your role as redeemer. Consciously take in those media images - and in your prayer or meditation, transform them.

December 05, 2006

In many different places - on this blog, in books and articles I've written - I refer to rhythmic play. I often get asked about this. So I will try to explain here what I mean by this term. And I should say that sometimes I refer to it as formed play or relaxed play - depends on what mood I'm in when I choose the word that most appeals at the time!

In general, one can understand such play as having something to do with breathing in and breathing out - of active times alternating with quieter times. When one watches such play, one is aware of how relaxed yet focused the children are. There is a synergy between them, though there may be quarrels and disagreements, these don't dominate. One might think of watching a flock of starlings or sparrows to get a picture of what I mean: the birds occasionally squabble or argue over a choice feeding spot, but there is harmony in their movements and the flock as a whole is not disturbed. Rather, the pecking and shoving of a few birds is effortlessly absorbed by the healthy movements of the flock as a whole.

One can contrast this to the unformed play of a child who does not really know how to play. It is frantic, disjointed and usually uncomfortable for an adult (at least for a sensitive adult) to watch. If one looks closely, one can observe that often the child is holding his breath, is cramped up, has a lot of tension in his neck and chest region. There is no breathing in and breathing out. And when such children are in a group, there is a feeling of discordance, of selves hitting up against each other. There is no sense of a whole.

I think the role of the adult is important in these situations - especially if all this is new to one's family. One needs to think of ways to "kick start" play, to start the children off with a game or set up a play scenario for them. Here, the adult is not playing with the child, but holding the space as it were. The adult remains busy with her own work, her own tasks, keeping a strong and peaceful presence, and the children drift in and out of her aura, sometimes helping her, sometimes doing their own, equally important work/play. If trouble arises, the adult can come in, not as the voice of doom or the voice of peace negotiations, but as the one who can recreate the space and help the children find their balance again. This means, therefore, neither telling off anyone who is naughty nor setting up a mini therapy session to explore the implications of not sharing! Rather, it means the adult will come in and, in a way that is appropriate for the age of the children, and help them to reform their play. So she might say to a couple of squabbling 5 year olds - "Poor dollie! She doesn't like to be fought over. Here - Jane, you set up her bed, Theo, you find her a warm blanket and Rose and Jill, you sing her a song." Children almost always respond to imaginative age appropriate direction. And with older ones , say of 9 and up, humor is usually best - "Daryl, what kind of silly behavior is that? Does that couch look like a trampoline?! I don't think so! Ok fellows, outside and let's see who can do the highest jump on the trampoline!" And this is said with a smile and a touch of playfulness - not in a voice dripping with unsaid recrimination!

A child who really knows how to play and whose life is held and carried in a strong rhythm can fully relax into her play. She might spontaneously talk or sing to herself - and the rhythms which she internalizes are expressed through skipping, hopping and the whole harmonious , musical quality which she expresses through her physical being. Herein lies one of the most powerful aides to good health that we can provide our children - and its expression is through play, through the relaxed rhythmic play that is the natural birthright of all children.

January 10, 2006

(this originally appeared in a slightly different form on my yahoo group, Waldorf_At_Home)

I have always loved Star Wars and have always been moved by what I perceive as a modern day fairy tale. I have two boys - and Stars Wars has been a feature of our lives since they were about 4 or 5 (no media before that so they didn't pick it up).

Having said that, they "got it" seemingly from the ethers as they weren't permitted to see the video (and only the first for a while as the violence gets a bit out of hand in Return of the Jedi if I remember correctly) until they were about 9/10 years old. So these strong cultural influences do seem to effect us whether we like it or not!

Anyway.... as those of you who have my kindergarten book know, I am all for sword play - with guidelines. One rule that some people use is "no touching bodies". I feel that swords can be a good thing because of how active the children need to be when they play with them. Light sabers would be the same.

Obviously, if a theme like Star Wars seems to be taking over a child's life, then parents might get concerned. But I would suggest this is perfectly normal - a good thing. Once upon a time it was cowboys and Indians in this country - I think (for a variety of reasons) that Star Wars is far preferable and that the storyline in those films is admirable (I'd prefer a bit more creative civil disobedience... but I guess pop culture hasn't gotten there yet!).

As for Lego, I do wish that more of it was open ended - unfortunately, most lego seems these days to be confined to these little Harry Potter or Star Wars kits - too limiting in scope, I would say. At least when you just get the plain pieces, the child can make up whatever story in her mind that she wants instead of being tied to what the manufacturers want to push. Plus they are so ridiculously expensive! So I don't have much problem with lego, either. It's not beautifully hand crafted out of wood from Germany.... but so what? I definitely think children need their senses protected but if their environments are generally nurturing and they have loads of opportunity for creative open ended non-adult directed play, then some lego - or playmobile or plastic farm or other figures - is, in my opinion, no biggie. My boys certainly had all this stuff. And to be honest, I think some lego and play mobile is more open ended than carefully and beautifully crafted wooden refrigerators and cell phones - the point is, a cardboard box or block of wood would be better for those things. Because then, when the child's imagination and the needs of her play dictate, that cardboard box cum refrigerator can become a stable or cave or car or whatever. When the thing is made to only be a refrigerator - by an adult - then it can't be anything but.

And I mean no disrespect to any people reading this who make their livings either by making or selling beautiful wooden toys.

July 03, 2005

This piece first appeared in the Homeschool Journey newsletter, February 2005

Following on from the above, I want to talk a bit about choosing toys. Mainly this is about toys for younger children, but some will surely be used by older ones, especially if they have been raised in a family which values play.

I’m constantly amazed at the wealth of so-called ‘Waldorf toys’ now available. But I am also uncomfortably aware of the numbers of these toys which, though beautifully crafted out of the finest natural materials, are very formed and therefore of limited play-value. What makes toys genuinely ‘Waldorf’ is that they encourage open-ended, imaginative play - that the knot-dolly purposefully has no facial features so that he can be happy, sad or angry as the child’s play demands. ‘Waldorf toys’ should be bricks and boxes, and things like cloths which can be cloaks or blankets or wings as the child sees fit. That beautifully-made (and expensive!) toy telephone can only be a telephone - it could never be a car, a dog or a loaf of bread. A wooden brick, on the other hand, could be all these things and more.

Bricks, off-cuts of wood (which you and your child can sandpaper together - now there’s a first-rate kindergarten activity), a sandbox, empty boxes and cartons (delivered free to your house by your catalog company!), lots of dressing up, and old pots and pans from the charity shop, are really the best toys for children up until about 7. And, if you keep these things available, you’ll be amazed at how older children will also play with them.

A great ‘toy’ that has years of potential and unlimited scope in terms of use is ‘The Board’. This is a smoothly sanded wooden board, anywhere from 5’ to 8’ in length, and about 12” wide. It can be used indoors or out and, if it has slats of wood as cross-pieces on its middle, can fit over a stump and be used as a see-saw (the cross-pieces keep it from slipping). The Board can be a stage, an ironing board, a balance beam, a doorframe, a slide, a ramp... You get the idea.

Please don’t get me wrong - I certainly appreciate the quality and sense of aesthetics that beautifully-crafted toys bring to our homes. There is no comparison with cheap, mass-produced plastic toys. I simply urge parents (and toy makers!) to ensure that most of the toys for young children are as unformed as possible - leaving the child’s imagination freer.