15 Things You Need to Stop Saying Right Now

Esquire is here to tell you all the things you should remove from your conversation (or hashtag) arsenal

Tom Norton

August 26, 2015

26August2015

Tom Norton

As new verbal memes bubble up on the Internet, one has to decide what to make of them and whether to embrace the language of the moment. Etiquette experts have decided it’s in poor form. So Esquire is here to tell you all the things you should remove from your conversation (or hashtag) arsenal.

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1 | Squad, SquadgoalsOnly cheerleaders, soldiers, and cops get squads. If you find yourself on a squad, your first squad goal is to disband the squad. Make it a team, if you must, or just navigate the adult world as an entity unto yourself. Get out there. You can do it.

2| In fact, anything with ‘Goals’ following itWe hate to break it to you, but uploading pictures of Emperor Penguins holding hands captioned #relationshipgoals, Steve Jobs at Apple prefixed with #careergoals or soddin’ Michael Palin on the Great Wall of China alongside#lifegoals, does not make people give up their familiar life, work or relationship in the pursuit of brave new horizons. If you really want to inspire people, make your #lifegoal a career holding motivational seminars, and spare the rest of us this cliched social media onslaught.

3 | BAEQuite possibly, the worst of the lot. Supposedly shorthand for ‘baby’ (because, of course, life’s too short to spell entire four letter words), ‘BAE’ saturates the internet, underpinning a compendium of cringing photos, from friends and siblings, to lovers and pet iguanas. In fact, the term actually translates in Danish as ‘poop’.

4| #AboutlastnightAnother awful expression that’s gained regrettable traction lately. What once should have been a subtle nod to the sort of evening where you woke up in a different country, sporting a THUG LIFE tattoo and harbouring a stolen koala from the local zoo – has descended into a shameless post the day after a ‘mental night-out’ at the Yacht Club, where after two Jack and Coke’s you got bored and went to bed to watch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother.

5 | #shorthairdontcare Well, well, well – aren’t you a rebel without a cause? You’ve brazenly asked your hairdresser to take an inch and a half off your crop and you don’t care WHO sees it. Except, of course, you really do… that’s why you took 19 test selfies before posting. Can be applied to similar related guff like #bedhairdontcare/#bighairdontcare…you get the picture.

6 | I’m not being funny but…You’re right, you’re not.

7 | #SorrynotsorryAh, the smuggest of all the hashtags.

8 | LegitLegit is as legitimate as legitimate, if legitimate were to lose three-fourths of its legitimacy. It’s more legitimate than illigit, but it’s not as legitimate as legit legitimate. If you’re legit heartbroken, it means that you’re too heartbroken to pronounce two more syllables, but not too heartbroken to abandon your beloved Millennial slang.

You’ve definitely seen it – the superfluous use of ‘though’ used to glorify, almost verbally surrender to a person, place, or particular thing supposedly warranting unanimous praise. Only made worse by the recent replacement of ‘that, this, and though’ to ‘dat, dis and doe’.

Oh Dickens, how we have failed you.

10 | Just, FYI?FYI was a faster way for snippy people to say “Just so you know.” Then, the snippiest among them added “just” and the questioning inflection because FYI by itself didn’t have enough nag to it. It was a brilliant move. Try to think of the last time anything good came after “Just, FYI?” It can’t be done.

11 | #BlessedSure, there are multiple instances for us all to feel ‘blessed’ at some point or another in the rich tapestry of life. The birth of a child, the recovery from illness, perhaps the breaking dawn over the Himalayas… But ’2 for 1 Mojitos’ at Barasti’ really shouldn’t have you cherishing the sanctity of life.

13| I feel like…The perfect start to every Gen X sentence, “I feel like…” has cemented its place in today’s vernacular. It allows the speaker to both highlight his feelings immediately, and distance himself from his declaration. I estimate that since we’ve started to lead with feelings rather than thoughts, everything takes about 85 percent longer. We simply haven’t got time for “I feel like…” anymore. You must decide once and for all if you like the color. I’m not painting it again.

14 | I kind of love thatYou do? Well, we kind of hate that you kind of love that. If we can’t love and hate with all of our hearts, we might simply have to decline to state our opinion. We know, it seems unthinkable, but as I said, there simply isn’t time.

15 | HaterzNo, you don’t have ‘haterz’ , just people that don’t like you.