Jailhouse Jills Seek Gents for TLC, Too

In my July 1 column, “Pen Pals Tired of the Bar Scene, Seek Outside Amour,” I featured pen pal (and possible romantic) opportunities with inmates in New York state, but only male ones. Why the gender exclusion? In fairness to me, I was working off the biggest upstate story of the summer: the escape of two killers, both male, from Dannemora’s Clinton Correctional Facility. They were allegedly assisted by a shared paramour, Joyce Mitchell, a prison seamstress and lover of baked products.

The plan ultimately failed. One of the murderers, The Dismemberer, is dead — romantically and otherwise — and the other, The Cop Killer, is back in custody, swearing he wouldn’t have touched Mitchell with a 10-foot strudel. Still, there’s some unfinished business here. It’s time to reverse the gender polarity of my free dating service, E-scape-harmony.

For just as women often struggle to find eligible men, single dudes don’t exactly have a cakewalk when it comes to love. When I see so many of my brothers struggling to meet a nice, normal girl who doesn’t have a tattoo of a rodent on her face or a stable of therapists that could fill the War Memorial, it actually makes me grateful to be married.

The lesson there for available gentlemen is twofold. One, prison takes many forms. Two, it might be time to expand your options to the growing female inmate population, particularly those with long sentences who might be ready for a sprint on the wild side. Here are some possibilities, courtesy, again, of my friends at WriteAPrisoner.com.

If you know “how to treat a lady” and understand that “life changing mistakes can and do happen,” you’re on your way to a “fun-loving, open-minded” relationship with someone special. And who doesn’t love a girl who loves bowling, which she does? Cynthia struck out a few years ago when she fatally stabbed her boyfriend in the chest during a fight in the Long Island home they shared, but no real man will be deterred by a manslaughter conviction (plus a handful of priors). With a September 2018 earliest release date, Cynthia says she likes to “lift up those around me when things seem down.” Whether she means that literally, as in lifting fellow inmates into a ceiling vent, is unclear. Write her and find out!

This gorgeous lifer puts it right out there: “Leah wants her groove back.”
Confidence? Not an issue. “You are feasting your eyes on a 40-year-old single beauty with Trinidadian roots,” she writes. “Of course with beauty, there are brains.”
When Leah’s not hitting the books — she’s pursuing a sociology degree — she’s often working out, adding, “I am a non-smoker and no harmful substances enter my body.”
Alas, harmful substances in the form of bullets entered the body of the man she shot in 1996 in a Queens basement following an argument. “I then started to walk out,” she told police. “When I got to the exit door I realized my hair clip was missing. I went back and picked up my hair clip, which was on the floor next to (the victim’s) right side. When I went back I saw that (he) was still lying on the floor, but I did not see much blood. I then left the building and took the train to the Bronx. I took a shower, changed my clothes and went to work.”
Guys, if you can keep your mind (and body) out of the basement, and hum a few bars of “My Baby Takes the Morning Train,” what the hell are you waiting for?

The most beautiful woman in the world is my wife, but Amber Hellinger might be
No. 2. To think that this lovely young Geneva woman could have somehow participated in stabbing a 27-year-old woman in the face and stomach two years ago . . . I don’t believe it. Obviously, Amber was framed. The good news is that first-degree attempted assault barely ranks above shoplifting in this state, so Amber could be out by this time next year. That makes her a low escape risk, but there are plenty of other ways to bond. She has lots of hobbies and interests and is taking — you guessed it — sociology courses. She sounds like a nice person, especially if she didn’t assault anyone, which — as you can see — she did not. My advice: Look deep into the sparkling depths of those innocent doe eyes, and ask her point blank if she actually plunged the knife. When she denies it, ask for her hand in marriage.

Society has a way of coming down hard when you murder the church choir director and one of its members. But that was long ago, and besides, what are you supposed to do when you suspect that your live-in boyfriend is having an affair — sign up for three-way counseling? Kim is learning to play keyboard, which makes sense as her dead ex-boyfriend taught piano. She also likes puzzles and board games and is pursuing Bible studies. But here’s the really exciting part. “It’s getting dark and lonely here, and a connection to the outside world would really make my days brighter,” she writes. With her earliest release date not until 2034, it sounds like someone might be primed to run for the border — and that’s no Trivial Pursuit.