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Full disclosure: This is my take on something I read on Thought Catalog.

Getting ready at home…

Girl: Who am I kidding? Shaving now. please be good in bed. please be good in bed.

Guy: Oh shit. I have a date in an hour. I wonder if I’m getting laid tonight. is that fire sauce on my desk?damn, that taco bell run last night was a damn good decision.

Girl: Ok. I met him on OkCupid. NBD. He texted to confirm. Oh well, saves me from the awkward ‘how the hell do I get off the phone and away from this conversation’ scenario. Damn, his Facebook is sure on lockdown. Even though I’m itching to creep, I gotta give this fella some credit for his borderline Guantanamo Bay highly secured FB. Oh shit, it’s almost time to go. Whatever, whose ever early nowadays? Two Words. Fashionably Late.

Guy: Is that Game of Thrones I see? Just one. Just one episode and I’ll head out. please look like Daenerys. please look like Daenerys.PLEASE LOOK LIKE DAENERYS. I should jerk off again. Ok, I’ll just leave now.

At the restaurant…

Girl (7:20pm): Is that him? No… Oh, I see him. LOOK SEXY LOOK SEXY LOOK SEXY Hi, how are you? I’m sorry for being late.

Guy (7:25pm): Oh, don’t worry about it! I was a few minutes late as well. I KNEW I COULD HAVE FINISHED THAT EPISODE

Girl:stop judging him…he kind of looks weird. I need alcohol I’ll have a glass of the house red, thank you.

Can someone just shoot me now and take me out of my misery? I think one of the worst parts about being a woman is the day you experience your first UTI (urinary tract infection). I honestly don’t think know how women who have chronic UTI’s manage daily life. I take my hat of to you ladies, seriously. You deserve a fucking medal and more. Men, if you think a period is bad, You. Have. No. Idea. A woman suffering from a UTI is vulnerable, irritable, uncomfortable, in pain, and just in general your worst nightmare. But you know what? You can’t blame us. Most of us get it from having your meat slammed into us. Long sigh. It really is just depressing. OH, you want to enjoy that maybe…15 minutes tops of pleasure? FINE, here you go, but be prepared for potentially infecting yourself with a UTI. Long, Long sigh…

For those of you out there who know what I’m talking about, there is no need for me to say anymore. For those of you out there that have no clue what I’m talking about, let me break it down for you.

1. You start off by having this weird feeling in your abdomen- it’s almost as if the muscles are tightening up. Since I’m a UTI veteran, this is the first tell-tale sign of a UTI setting in. Usually I’m already gulping down a ridiculous amount of water but sometimes, just sometimes, your body likes to just say FUCK YOU and let the UTI do its business.

2. If the water doesn’t help, this is usually when you start experiencing the really shitty symptoms of a UTI. The constant urge to pee every 2 minutes and every single time you do tinkle, you squirt out maybe a drop of urine while experiencing this wretched pain in your lady love and lower abdomen. Honestly, I sit on the toilet for hours on end cursing obscenities on everything and everyone around me. This usually last a couple of hours, so, it’s safe to say that I’m not going out or having any human interactions with anyone. Fuck. That. Shit. Get. Out. Of. My. Face. NOW.

3. Aside from the constant urge to pee and recurring sharp pain, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, down there is sensitive. It’s almost as if your lady love was just scraped raw of the first layer of flesh and let out to just rot. I might be over-exaggerating right there but I don’t give a shit. I’m sitting at my desk right now, with my pants rubbing my area raw, while I have the urge to pee, and the feeling of a knife being shoved into my abdomen- so, WHATEVER.

4. Good Lord, what is that god forsaken smell? Yup, your shit smells and it smells BAD. I don’t even know how to describe the odor other than it’s weird and embarrassing. I mean, no one is even in the bathroom with me when I do smell that odor and I still get embarrassed. It truly is just sad. Other than the constant pain and suffering, a UTI tops if off by also smelling like something just died in your vagina. Not cute. Not cute at all.

Basically, you experience #2, #3, and #4 throughout the entire ordeal until your body finally flushes out all the bacteria from your urethra and you are finally given a break. It is certainly a vicious cycle that I will never wish upon anyone. Okay, enough with the symptoms and negatives of a UTI. It’s time to move on to the more important stuff like remedies and medication.

Obviously, going to the doctors every single time you suffer from a UTI is a little absurd. First of all, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Second, not all of us have health insurance. Third, UTI’s creep up during the most random times so just taking off work to go to the doctors is almost always out of the questions. Here are some tips I have about treating and helping with the discomfort.

1. Cranberry and h2o is your best friend. Drink water and h2o until you feel like bursting. You think I’m kidding but I’m not. Not only will it help flush the bacteria and toxins out of your system but it’ll help with urinating. I hate it when I sit down on the toilet and only a tiny dribble comes out. The more cranberry and h2o I drink, the easier it is for me to cope with the constant urinating and pain. Usually when it’s really bad, I mix cranberry juice, orange juice, and water into a giant jug. My ultimate concoction for UTI relief. Don’t use cranberry cocktail or OJ from concentrate. Get the all natural stuff that’s 100% juice. I know, I know, we all aren’t made out of money but for your sake, just do it. I promise it’ll make a world of difference in getting over your UTI.

2. Don’t hold your piss. When you need to go, go. I don’t care if only a drop comes out or you’re sitting on the toilet for hours- GO. Holding your urine will only worsen your UTI and that will ultimately prolong everything. You don’t want that. You really, really don’t want that.

3. Fetal position and heat pad. Thank you baby jesus for the creation of a heating pad. Whenever those sharp pains start getting unbearable, I turn that bad boy on and it does such a good job soothing the painful ache that I actually manage to fall asleep. I’ve noticed that positioning myself in a fetal position helps. That might just be me though so I apologize in advance if it doesn’t do shit for you.

4. AZO. If you don’t know what it is, Google it. It’s an over-the-counter medication you can purchase for UTI relief. It does a world of difference if it works for you. I’ve had a few occasions where it didn’t make a difference but whatever, I’ll do whatever it takes. If it works, FUCKING GREAT. If not, oh well…at least I tried.

5. Cotton is your friend. Cotton is your lover. Just have sex with Cotton already. Seriously, though. Wear cotton panties and loose pants. Give your lady love some breathing space and just let her relax, she at least deserves that. Not only is she experiencing the worst thing ever but the last thing she needs is to be stuffed into pantyhose with a tight mini skirt wrapped around her. Let her do her. She’s your precious gem, treat her like it.

PREVENTING A UTI.

1. Pee after sexy time. I don’t care if you feel self conscious about your S/O hearing. He just saw you bounce around all up on him at angles you yourself have never seen yourself in, so, go ahead and pee, he ain’t gonna judge. It helps flush out all the bacteria that was jammed up into your urethra during sexy fun time too.

2. Drink cranberry juice or take cranberry pills. I don’t care if it hasn’t been medically proven. This shit works.

3. Don’t be lazy. Wipe from front to back. I really shouldn’t have to say this but then again, I do. Make sure you’re constantly up-keeping your area. It’s your treasure chest, ladies. Good toilet hygiene is sexy, seriously. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Keep your vagina clean. Btw, wet wipes are fucking amazing. Just saying.

4. Be aware of the symptoms. Like I said, the moment you start feeling that weird tightness- bitch, grab that water bottle and start chugging. Pretend it’s college and you’re trying to impress that frat guy by doing a keg stand. Chug Chug Chug. Oh, and lay off the dirty dirty. The last thing you want to do when you start experiencing those first signs of a UTI is having your man or whatever shove up more bacteria into your urethra. Just relax for a night, it ain’t going to kill you. If you really need to have that sexy fun time, then do it. But don’t say no one warned you and don’t start bitching when everything below the waist starts to hurt.

So, there you go- my explanation and remedies for a Urinary Tract Infection.

I just want to take this moment to apologize for my brief absence. As you may have read in my earlier post, I was in the process of moving. Well, fortunately, I am all finished and moved in. Hello, Century City, I hope you bitches are ready for me. Not really, I’m a mere speck in this giant city. On a good note, I found a hidden gem down the street from my new apartment and that gem is a 24-hour Pho Restaurant. Can I get a ‘HALLELUJAH’?! I can already see it. It’s 3am in the morning. I’m drunk. I’m starving. Pho to the rescue. Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about. A few of you all too well. It really is amazing what this city has to offer. I’ve been here all my life and I learn something new almost everyday. I really mean it when I say I Love LA. Anyway, I digress.

I guess for this post, I really wanted to focus on implementing and understanding the importance of networking. There’s two spectrums to this: one being you’re completely satisfied with where you are professionally and the other being you fucking hate your job and need out. Networking is a key ingredient in exposing yourself whether or not you are on the search for a new job. I mean, do I really need to explain in detail? The more people you meet, the more outreach you get. You have to think about the ROI of it all. I know, this must all sound like gibberish to you right now but it truly is a simple concept. The more you allow yourself to ‘network’, the better chances of having a positive return in investment, or in this case, a better opportunity. If you happen to be happy with where you are on a professional level, then BOOM, a better chance of landing a new client. I can’t stress how important it is to be able to hold yourself gracefully in public. Yes, I curse. I burp. Sometimes I even chew with my mouth open. But you sure as hell won’t catch me doing any of those things when I’m in a professional environment. You can’t expect things to just happen or the perfect job to just come along and tap you on the ass. You have to try before shit like that ever happens.

Recently, I’ve taken it upon myself to one up my LinkedIn profile and I honestly would have never imagined the positive outcome it’s given me. I’ve been searching for a new firm and cannot even begin to fathom the great feedback I’ve been receiving. It isn’t a lot but it’s something. You have to start somewhere, right? Not only is it a great way to keep in touch with colleagues but it’s also a great way to get a company you’re interested in to notice you. It allows you to really show off what you’ve achieved and what you know. This is where showing off is encouraged. Were you on the honor society? Put that shit on there. Did you volunteer at the animal shelter? Put that shit on there. Were you an eagle scout? Put that shit on there. Did you graduate summa cum laude? Put. That. Shit. On. There. So, my point is: Update your LinkedIn, it’ll do a world of difference in your professional life. A lot of companies now have so many resources that you can’t possibly hide everything. Be aware of what you put out in the public eye. In my opinion, your LinkedIn profile should be one of the top three sites that pop-up when you type your name into a search engine aside from your Google+ and Facebook (Questionable but fuck it, who doesn’t have a FB nowadays? Remember, privacy setting is your best friend. Learn its ways. Embrace it. Use it.) I highly recommend hiding anything that may present you negatively, unless your blog or social profile is what may score you that media job. I get it, different fields, different requirements. Just be smart about it. Delete or change the privacy of that video on youtube of you farting into a lighter. I don’t care what justifications you have, they will not hire you because you can breathe fire out of your ass. Ask yourself this: Would you hire you? If you were a recruiting agent for a Fortune 500 company and you stumbled upon your profile, would you reach out? If not, then you, my friend, have some work to do.

Another great way to network is to attend any publicity event you can get into. No, I don’t mean go hit up that hot new club. What I mean is, put yourself out there and introduce yourself to people whenever you can. I shouldn’t have to go into detail about this- you should know what I mean if you have any ounce of care about your professional career. If one of your buddies invites you to that ‘work event‘, GO! I’m always carrying around business cards with me wherever I go and it’s done me very well these past couple of years. I believe that the first 15 seconds in any first encounter, whether online or in person, is the most vital time for any professional to market and sell themselves. You want to leave a positive lasting impression on this individual. Don’t ramble on with some sale pitch. Get to know this person. Find a way to connect with them on a more personal level and I promise they will instantly feel comfortable with you. The moment you break that barrier between creepy new acquaintance and someone their actually comfortable with, it’s smooth sailings from then on out. Whatever you do, do not force the situation– there is a time and place for everything. Choose those times and places wisely. You don’t want to go on and on about how awesome you are to someone and ultimately leave them with a nasty taste in their mouths about you. That, is not networking. That, buddy, is being a prick. You want to avoid that. By the way, word travels fast, very fast. You’d be surprised at just how much gossip goes on behind closed doors. People be bitches, yo. Speak intelligently and respectfully.

Also, I’ve learned that if you’re in the beginning stages of job searching, interview as much as you can. Break in your interview nerves and prepare yourself because if you happen to be anything like me, you’ll botch your first few interviews. Oh, the horror stories! Sweaty palms. Nervous tick. Bouncing leg. One time, I accidentally flirted with the CEO of a large firm and his wife was in the office. I had no clue what was coming out of my mouth. I think I might have blacked out or something. I didn’t get the job.

Btw, just a rule of thumb: Do not drink caffeine before an interview. You should always have a cup of coffee a few hours prior to any important meeting or interview. You don’t want to be all hyped up and jittery the entire time, especially if in front of someone you’re trying to impress.

Remember that everything I’ve said isn’t a solution to all your problems. It’s simply steps you can take that may just help you towards scoring that dream job. But I’m not making any promises here. If you’ve been doing all of this and more, just keep in mind this: One day, the opportunity will present itself- it’s up to you to recognize it and go for it. Be able to recognize potential in all situations and don’t be afraid to jump on that shit like a lioness preying on a gazelle.

I hope this shed some light on a few of you readers. If you happen to have a question about interviewing or anything related to job searching, go ahead and email them to me. I welcome all questions and feedback.

On the hunt for that dream job? Spent hours drafting the perfect cover letter? Emailed that ridiculous, grammatically perfect cover letter to anyone and everyone that may just look twice at it? Ready to give that phone interview a whirl? Well, before you go any further, listen up.

So many of you young professionals get so hyped up when you come close to scoring that dream job that it’s honestly, kind of depressing to watch sometimes. I’m sorry to break it to you, young grasshopper, but unless you have at least 5+ years of experience in your field, you are a mere pawn in this game of chess. You may get lucky and just score that dream job but lets be real here, the chances of something like that happening is slim to none. So before that head of yours gets any bigger, you need to hear this: You are not the crème de la crème. You are not the pièce de résistance. You, my little grasshopper, are nothing. I get it, that young undergraduate mind of yours is going through a state of ambivalence between telling yourself what you think you’re worth to what you’re actually worth.

This is my advice- You will get turned down. Your résumé will get thrown out. You will not get a response. You will get treated like a child. You will spend hours applying with no luck. You will hate everyone that’s happy at their job. You will feel like a failure. You will feel lost. You will hate LinkedIn. You will hate every company that sends you an email that begins with ‘After careful consideration, we have decided to not…‘ (LOL, I’m sorry, but seriously, I know all of you young and old professionals out there know that line much too well). With all of your being, you will feel like giving up. Don’t.

The key to success: If you know you’re whole-heartedly trying your best, success will come.

The perfect opportunity will one day present itself, it’s up to you to know when to jump for it. I know this is a broad statement, especially in regards to job hunting, but if you embrace it, you’ll soon understand its simple meaning. Failure is inevitable but believe it or not, it’s something we all experience. Even the most successful individuals have failed at some point in their lives. It’s up to us to have the ability to learn from our failures and hardships.

‘I haven’t failed. I graduated at the top of my class. Still, no one wants to hire me. Am I overqualified? Do they just have something against me? Are they just pretending to hire to see who and what is out there?’

First of all, stop being naive. You graduated. Yay. Good job. Do you want a gold star for that? For being at the top of only your class. You didn’t graduate on top of the world. Get over yourself.

Put yourself out there. Work an entry-level job. Distribute mail. Go on an endless amount of coffee runs. Hit rock bottom. The moment you hit rock bottom, is the moment you truly learn to appreciate hard work. You need to realize that you are never too good, too big, or too smart to lose. It will happen and you will learn from it. Whatever industry you work in, whatever shitface boss you have to deal with you- take everything with a grain of salt. As shitty as you may feel in the moment, you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Try like fucking hell and never give up. Yes, you might be a little under-qualified right now but hey, the more interviews you on, the more you learn. Shit, sooner or later, you’ll be able to fake it until you make it.

Lately, I’ve seen too many college graduates come out of college acting like they fucking deserve that dream job that other professionals have worked their entire lives for. Shut up, sit down, and be patient. I know this post is kind of harsh but trust me, everything I’m saying right now is in your best interest.

Because honestly, there are no secrets to success. It is the result of persistence, preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. Hard work is success perfected.

So, go on with your broke self, young grasshopper. You do you. Just don’t give up and remember this, the sale aisle will never judge you and you aren’t as qualified as you think. Ramen on, my friend.

By the way, in addition to being perfect on paper- Always, and I mean ALWAYS, practice your voicemail voice. I cannot stress how important it is to be able to leave a well-thought-out and well-spoken voicemail. Why? Because I’ve deleted about 10 voicemails today alone because the individual didn’t have one fucking clue how to repeat their callback number. A voicemail should be coherent and to the point. Don’t make it lengthy but don’t talklikeurinatotalhurry. Stay calm and if you can, choose to hear the playback. A rule of thumb: Before calling any professional, prepare what you’ll say in the event it goes to voicemail. You will thank me for this later.

This post is more of an outreach to you readers out there or maybe just a personal narrative to myself. Who knows. Who cares. What threshold does one need to pass before you officially label yourself out of that gray area between monogamy and chastity? What scenario needs to happen before you can actually consider yourself ‘dating’ someone exclusively? Or does such thing even exist? Or am I just talking that crazy talk right now?

Just a little about myself & my ‘love life’: I haven’t exclusively dated anyone in two years. And yes, I didn’t have sex for a long time. How? I don’t even know. You can be damn sure my lady love was unhappy with the situation but I digress. I’m a busy as fuck. I work a lot but not because I’m required to but because I enjoy it. When I’m working, I’m fully concentrated on my task. When I’m not working, I’m mere moments away from taking my phone or laptop out to write an email or note something that I thought about while thinking about work. So, there you have it, I work a lot, I’m glad we’ve established that. I don’t just like my space, I require it. It comes with the package, buddy. If we’re going to survive this son-of-a-bitch whirlwind romance, I.need.my.space.

It wasn’t until recent that I took it upon myself to begin experimenting with more nontraditional dating outlets like eHarmony, Match, and OkCupid. Before I even begin to fathom the experiences I’ve had, let me just say one thing. Bitches be crazy.

Which leads me to this moment. I’ve met someone that is almost a mirror image of myself- a lawyer with a just as busy, if not more, schedule. We’ve established that space is a requirement without having to say a word to each other, it’s a given. We don’t speak during the week, aside from the occasional ‘I hope your week is going well’ or ‘Have a safe flight to…’ and I’m completely and utterly smitten by it all. We’ve been casually dating these past few weeks and they have been the epitome of normal. Dinner. Drinks. Laughing. Conversation. Sex. Morning Coffee. & then we both go our separate ways.

But now I see myself here, in his room, on his desktop, working, and he’s outside working on his motorcycle. I’m completely torn between what the fuck just happened? and why am I enjoying this? I went over last night. We watched a movie. We talked. We laughed. We went to bed (and if I may add, in normal people pajamas). We cuddled minimally. We woke up. We got coffee. He invited me to stay. I stayed. Now I’m here. Does this constitute as being in a relationship? I work in an industry where I’m constantly analyzing situations which at times makes me over-analytical to the point where I am [almost] at fault. I weigh out my pros and cons and the moment I see more cons than pros, I’m out there before you can even blink twice. But for some crazy, out of this world reason, I see more pros than anything else at this point.

[flash forward 2 hours]

I’m still here and I’ve gone into deep conversation with his sister-in-law. By the way, he lives with his brother and sister-in-law to help them out with expenses because his brother (police officer) underwent brain surgery but has since fully recovered.

We (myself and his sister-in-law) talked linens, house additions, she offered to teach me the art of crocheting, she gave me the 411 on their crazy neighbors. We ate Thai. All the while he is working on his motorcycle and her husband is cleaning the pool outside. WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Maybe I’m just overanalyzing when I should just be taking everything in as it comes. Am I freaking out because I’ve been out of the game for so long? I’m in foreign territory. Maybe I’m feeling this way because he’s 12 years older than me or because when we say our goodbyes, we don’t even kiss or because this is all happening and I’m still extremely happy and enjoying every moment.

Should I run? Should I stay? Should I just stop thinking and let this bitch we call life naturally happen?

It wasn’t because I gained 10 lbs due to work-related stress. (Actually, this is questionable)

It wasn’t because my work-life balance was basically a teeter-totter on crack.

It wasn’t because I felt like my skills weren’t being utilized to their full potential.

It was because my snooze button was my best friend.

I ‘woke’ up every single morning with my finger on my iPhone snooze button. Not only did my brain program itself to automatically snooze, but it came to the point where I didn’t even have to open my eyes or fully awaken from my slumber. It wasn’t that I was suffering from lack of sleep (I’m one to always get my full 8 hours) but it was rather I felt happier in my dream world than my real world. And that, my friends, is problematic. Yes, dreams can be awesome and adventurous, but your life can be just that too. After many jobs and many snoozes later, I realized that a tell-tale sign to Get The Fuck Up And Look For A New Job is the amount of times I hit my snooze button. We all do it, but to what extent? How long are you willing to suffer that annoying, gut-wrenching alarm before you finally get up and begin to take the initiative? Because come on, that son of a bitch sound (yes, I’m talking to you ‘Alarm’ on iOS) can sure be a little jackass, am I right? I’m sure there’s a handful of you who have no idea what I’m talking about but I’m also sure there’s a handful of you out there that know exactly what I’m talking about. So, back to my point, are you still trying to figure out if you’re happy or unhappy at work? Here is what I do: I ask myself this- How many times am I willing to snooze before I actually get up? 1-3? I think I may be in the clear. 4+? I think it’s time I brush up that LinkedIn of mine…free premium upgrade? SCORE!

Blair Bee

(Just FYI, those “It wasn’t’s” up there can also be tell-tale signs to stop being a lazy fuck and start taking control of your professional life)

… to be my husband but on one condition: Promise To Always Be My Boyfriend.

A lot of people who know me on a more personal level have labeled me as the woman who will always be afraid of marriage. But in all honesty, I’m not afraid to get married. I’m afraid of my marriage turning into a marriage. I’m not sure if that makes much sense but hear me out.

For those of you who are single and utterly afraid of the idea of marriage, I’m sure you somewhat know where I’m coming from. I’m sure everyone reading this (myself included) is all too familiar with what we labeled as ‘The Honeymoon Stage’, but what I don’t understand is why this so-call ‘stage’ is only a phase in the relationship. In the beginning of any relationship, we have those instances where before you know it, you’re spending every waking moment with this person. But I’ve noticed that many (not all) married and soon-to-be married couples are experiencing the complete opposite. After many questions, I’ve learned that most of the married couples I’ve spoken to have most frequently admitted to these following which include my response:

1. They don’t have time to go out anymore.I think this is a poor ass excuse for We Should Have Never Gotten Married In The First Place. Make time. You made time in the beginning. What’s stopping you now? Whether it’s a dinner once a week or a dinner once a month. Communication is key. A well-balanced relationship starts with communication and everything else will lead its way. I get it, all of us are busy but if you decided to emotionally invest in this person for the long run, busy just isn’t going to cut it.

2. The kids play a huge factor in their ‘alone’ time.Some of you may not agree with what I have to say next but tough. I completely, utterly, and without a doubt, support babysitters and daycare options. If you have the finances to hire a babysitter, even once a month, do it. They aren’t going anywhere for 18 years, they will survive one night a month without you or should I say, you’ll survive one night a month without them.

3. We aren’t as emotionally invested anymore because we’re both so stressed out.Uh, newsflash: That’s why you have each other. For better or for worse. I confided in you in the beginning, why should I stop now? Because our relationship is legal? Because we both signed a marriage license? No. I want my future husband to always be my boyfriend. Be my best friend. Be the man I fell in love with. Our relationship shouldn’t change for the worse because it’s legal. It should change for the better because I vow to always be your girlfriend, wife, best friend, lover. Talk to each other. Again, this is where communication is key comes into play.

4. MoneyGo for a walk. Go to the park. Go get a hotdog. I’m use to starting a relationship with someone with nothing but each other. We walked, we talked, we hung out. You don’t need money to have a healthy relationship. This point can be arguable in the sense that not all of us come from the same background. A few of us are born into a more extravagant lifestyle which is completely understandable. But I feel like if you are emotionally invested in someone, you aren’t with invested in their bank statement, you are with invested in the genuine fact that you enjoy being around them whether $$$ is there or not.

5. I can’t forget about when he/she did…[insert mundane argument here].You two need to move on. Never argue historically. Holding a grudge against your spouse for something that happened in the past solves nothing and will only make matters worse. The past is the past. Until death do us part. Does that mean you’re going to hold that ‘one time you blah blah blah’ to your death beds? I didn’t think so. Learn forgiveness. It’ll make you a better person in your marriage and in your overall life.

So, I guess the ending to this whole post is…

To My Future Husband,

Promise to always see me as your girlfriend and not just your wife. Promise me our dating life won’t go to shambles because we both said, “I do.” Go have fun with the boys. Drink beer. Make a fool out of yourself but remember to always treat me like you treated me when we first met. Remember to always pursue me like you did since day one. Promise to always have a sense of wonder because I can guarantee you that I will never stop trying to learn about you. I can’t promise you I won’t change but I promise if I do, it’ll be for the better. Keep me in mind and I’ll keep you in mind. Love me whole-heartedly and love me like I’ll be gone tomorrow. I’m not asking you to constantly buy me flowers or text me everyday, I’m asking you to be on the constant pursuit of the key to my heart (even when you know you already have it).

As you all may have noticed, I mentioned I would be talking about relationships in my first post. Well, I figured tonight I would talk about just that. It isn’t going to be very long or enlightening but I hope it sheds some light on a few of you who may be currently on a dating website. This first post will be about the very encounter I’m currently having with someone from OkCupid.

I’m not one to really have any expectations or judgements from someones profile so I’ll just jump right into our initial conversation. We’ll call him Tuna.

This is after our typical “How was your day?” ice breaker.

Tuna- “What do you do? Eeh my day was pretty good but then a girl I hit it off with yesterday flaked on me today and then accidentally sent me the wrong text.”I should have just stopped there and withhold any response but a part of me was intrigued but I knew I shouldn’t go any further into the subject.Me- “I work for a commercial developer doing marketing and property management. Oh I see.”Tuna- “That sounds fun!”Me- “It has its moments. What do you do for a living?”Tuna- “I dress in plain clothes and watch people all day and stop them if they shoplift. Not ideally what I want to do but I’m working on getting back into school.”Me- “So, I’m guessing your a security guard?”Tuna- “Uhh no. I have respect for myself. I dress in regular clothes and watch people. Loss prevention agent. Security guards… make zero decisions and just sit around all day”Can you fucking blame me for jumping to that conclusion? If you don’t want someone to guess incorrectly, don’t give them some half ass description as to what you do and expect them to be able to pull it out of their ass, dick.Me- “Oops. I’m not very familiar with your occupation. Whatever you do, no judgement here. Work is work.”Tuna- “I don’t know why anyone would want to do it. Sorry, that came off rude.”UHH, yeah buddy, I think rude is an understatement. Tuna- “I was talking about the ‘uhh no’ part :P”Okay, byeee.

Now, here is what I have to say about this short conversation.

Run, run as far and fast away as you can. Whether you’re a female or male, if anyone is ever this pretentious from the start, GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE. I’m not one to judge off of occupation. We all need the money, it’s the bread and butter for survival. I will not base my opinion on you, or anyone else for that matter, off what you do for a living.

This, my friends, is a major red flag. If this happens to sound familiar in a sense where you are coming from his point of view- Stop and re-evaluate your values because you need to stop acting like your shit don’t stank.

A key factor in my ‘dating world’ is the ability to stay humble no matter where you are in life. I’ve learned to never judge a book by its cover. I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to have standards but you should always give someone a chance, no matter what the circumstances are because you might just be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I mean, come on, you’re already on a dating website. If you’re going to take that plunge, you might as well take it whole-heartedly. Don’t jump to conclusions and don’t set yourself on an imaginary pedestal. You will, just like that guy up there, make yourself look like a complete asshole. Unless they happen to be an asshole too. In that case, I hope the two of you assholes live a happy asshole life with bratty asshole kids.

OH, and don’t talk about previous dates or people you’ve met if the other person didn’t ask. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to stress this but here I am, stressing it. If I wanted to hear about the girl/guy that rejected you, I would have asked. So, if they don’t ask, don’t tell. Obviously, it’s not the best choice of an ice breaker. I mean, come on dude, what the fuck?

So, you guys “hit it off” and then she flaked and accidentally sent you the wrong text? LOL. I, umm… I mean… I don’t… I don’t even know. Okay.

1. They leave you alone. As weird as that may sound, I love the fact that my cat gives me space and isn’t always looking for attention. Don’t get me wrong, I love my cat to death but sometimes you need a little space. This is probably going to sound odd but I think it may have to do something with humans having to actually work for a cat to love you. They don’t give in easily and they make you work for their affection. Also, that one moment they decide to cuddle back. Magical. Hey, Human, you want me to love you? Well, you better work for it. Challenge Accepted.

2. Born Potty Trained. Geez, I love this one. We don’t need to buy pee pads or take them to disciplinary school to learn how to not pee everywhere. From day one, we give them a box of sand and somehow, someway, cats are already genetically imprinted with the “Don’t Fucking Pee On Everything” gene. Thank you, Cat God, thank you so much.

3. This next one is in correlation to the previous. Cats are tremendously clean animals, like to their very core. It really is just great. Especially if you happen to be someone who works long hours and don’t always have time to be at their beckon call. As long as you keep the kitty litter box clean, you are pretty much in the clear for any unwelcome surprises laying around the house.

4. They are especially sassy little creatures. I love the randomness and unexpected cuteness of felines. They surprise you in such little ways that honestly have such an impact on you in such a deeper level. It truly is amazing how many times my cat has pleasantly surprised me with a random cuddle or a quirky little fall. They don’t try to be funny, they’re naturally funny. You never know what they’re thinking, which gives it this element of surprise.

5. Cats are basically a living version of Bug-Off. Literally. Cats are born curious, which makes them the best critter killer. They are natural insect repellents and it’s fucking awesome. Especially if you happen to be like me. I hate spiders (UGH). I hate creepy crawlers. I hate bugs. My cat is my knight in shining armor. He is my personal exterminator.

My point is if you start to question whether you fall into the Cat Lady category or not, take that question(s) and shove it up every reason why you think you may fall into that categories asshole. Embrace it. Love your cat because I’m sure they love you back. Unless you’re a hoarder but that’s a whole different category in itself.

I woke up this morning tired, annoyed, and impatient. Let me give you the rundown of my living situation:

Roommates: 4 (2 actual roommates and 2 adopted roommates because the both of them have significant others who practically live there)

Bathroom: 1

Pets: One of my roommates has an English Bulldog and a Cat.

Fucked up, right? Yeah, tell me about it. Instead of just ranting about why I’m so fucking irritated, I’m going to give all you first time roommates a few pointers. Listen carefully.

Cleanliness: …is fucking key. Especially when you share a small space with multiple people. I don’t give a shit if you grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth or with absolutely nothing. When you share a space with multiple people, learn to clean up after yourself. Whether its washing your dishes after you use them, wiping down the table after you eat, or just taking out the fucking trash when you see that it’s full- everyone plays a part in a tidy household. I don’t give a crap whether your room looks like a bomb went off, communal areas are key. If you use my stuff, clean it. If I use your stuff, I’ll clean it.

Significant Others: I can’t stress this enough guys. If you have a significant other that happens to stay over a lot- Tell Them To Not Fuck With My Routine. I know you know my morning schedule. If you know I wake up at 8am to use the bathroom, tell them to get up at 7:30am to use the bathroom. This especially goes for weekdays. Shit, they shouldn’t even stay over on weekdays but I’m not even going to go there. Be courteous of your roommates schedules. All of us are working professionals, lets act professional here.

Pets: CLEAN UP HIS/HERS SHIT. Walking to the backyard and accidentally stepping on a pile of shit is not how I want to spend my Saturday morning. If you happen to walk into the house and smell some funky odor, it probably means it’s time to take them to the groomers. This is to all cat owners: Clean The Litter Every Single Fucking Day. This is such a vital step to keeping an odor-free home. Your cat(s) will definitely appreciate it, too. Think about it. Would you like having to go the restroom in a box of sand with yesterdays shit in it? I didn’t think so. It’s such a menial task that so many people overlook. It literally takes 5 minutes- grab the scooper, scoop out whatever feces are inside, throw it out, go on with your day. Like nothing even happened. If you happen to have an energetic pet, you should probably hire a walker if you work a 9-5. Being loud as fuck at 11pm on a Monday night because your pet is spracked out of its fucking mind is not cool. Not Cool At All.

Bathroom: This probably fits under Cleanliness but fuck it, it deserves its own rant. Men: If you shave, clean that shit up. Men think women are so gross but in all honestly, you men are filthy animals. Yes, our hair may get stuck in the shower drain at times but at least our hair drains somewhere. Little tiny stubs of hair follicles that look like mini pubes all over the sink is fucking disgusting. A bathroom is a sanctuary. A place of zen and peace. Not grimy corners filled with small stubs of hair and shaving cream residue with random streaks of yellow on the sink. How the fuck does that even happen? Actually, never mind, don’t answer that. All of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Clean up your pubes. Thanks. Ladies: Yes, we are just as guilty. When you blow dry, wipe the floor down because hair will without a doubt be on the floor. When you spray whatever the hell you like to spray on yourself, make sure you wipe down everything down because I can bet my left tit that you sprayed it on at least 50% of the surface areas in there. Set up a ‘clean the shower drain’ schedule for yourself. It honestly isn’t that bad if you stay consistent. If not, you end up pulling out a baby chewbacca every time and trust me, that baby is not pretty. If you know your sharing a bathroom with multiple individuals, keep your personals somewhere discreet. I know, I know, it’s mother nature but that does not mean tampons and pads should be lying around everywhere. It’s far from sexy and come on, it’s a crazy time for us- you don’t want to give anyone another reason to think about us during that piece of shit 9th circle of hell time of the month. We’re already going through enough. Leaving out our personals will only reminds us that it’s coming and it’s coming with vengeance.

Don’t Be Passive-Aggressive: Don’t leave post-it notes. Don’t ignore the issue. Don’t be rude about it. If you have a concern or an issue, let everyone know. Being passive-aggressive is going to get you nowhere and that goes with all aspects of life but I digress. If something is bothering you, be straight up and forward about it. Speak your mind. Don’t be annoying and just say what you feel. The worst that can happen is you move out and if that does happen, it may be for the better. But be smart about what you say. Don’t say anything out of frustration- you need to mentally prepare yourself and your argument. It should be a valid one and if you have to question whether or not it’s a valid argument, ask for an opinion. Go ahead and ask me. I welcome all questions. My point is, pick your arguments wisely. Having roommates is like having a relationship minus the sex…sometimes. But that’s for another post.

Ah, I’m feeling much better. Aside from being 11 days out from moving, I’m still sad about leaving. We all have our moments, especially when living with other people. You learn to be patient (at times) and you learn a lot about yourself like whether or not you are ready to live with a significant other. This is off topic but I seriously take my hat off to every single one of you couples out there that aren’t married and living together. Kudos, my friends, kudos.