Ellie’s advice: It’s not too late to save this marriage

Q. My marriage is falling apart. My husband and I love each other very much but I’m afraid it’s too late.

I come from money and a good home life; he comes from poverty and a broken home life. He’s 29; I’m 38, together 10 years, married seven years. We overcame previous bumps in the road.

I’m a “people pleaser.” I do and say what I think the other person wants in order to avoid conflict (unintentionally). I give everything, and then get resentful and angry that he takes.

I say he can do something, then resent if he does and isn’t appreciative of me. He’s emotional and moody, doesn’t handle criticism well, and has a temper.

He’s not abusive; I have no fear of that. He’s frustrated because he doesn’t know if he can talk to me, but I’m frustrated because when I’m honest and stand up for myself, we fight.

So, no matter what approach we take, there’s a fight. We both want the other to be happy, and know that living like this is making us both miserable.

When is love enough or you’re too different and have to part ways, despite the love you both feel?

A. Enmeshed love and conflict is common. I believe your letter will strike a nerve with many. Yet I also believe there’s hope for you as a couple.

You have clear understanding of your personality differences. If he sees these disconnects as honestly as you do, it’s a positive starting point for developing adjustments, understanding, and reaching out.

But you can’t do it alone, or you’ll both retreat by habit and defensiveness to the false comfort of opposite corners.

Find a couple’s therapist you both feel “gets” your situation. This can take a few tries, but one will work if that’s what you both want.

It’s not about who comes from affluence and who doesn’t, but what past self-protective barriers you both learned and are still constructing, instead of reaching across to each other.

Q. My friend and her husband separated 18 months ago. She’d fallen wildly in love with another man who’s still married. He goes to her place, solely to have sex, once every couple of months.

She’s never met any of his friends or family, they’ve never gone out to a movie or dinner.

She also tells me about sleeping with her other male friends.

My friend knows she has to end this relationship but she’s not ready. She recently confided her “love” spent the night at her place, the same night she’d gone out with a new date.

I want to be supportive, but it’s hard when she’s sleeping with several different men and holding on to the hope that her married “knight” in shining armour will rescue her.

A. Supportive friendship is good, but enabling behaviour which you know is hurtful or of which you personally disapprove, is not.

You enable by listening without asking questions that get her thinking, which show you’re caring about her rather than judging.

Example: Since her sex-buddy still lives with his wife, does she use protection? And is she always having safe sex with other men? If not, then yes, there are a lot of potentially risky and incurable STD bugs (sexually transmitted diseases) swimming in common pools.

Also, does she have some time frame for how long she can keep up the sexual traffic? Ask if she’s considered what it does to her self-esteem to be “anybody’s, whenever.” Especially when the one person she yearns for is hiding from her view.

Feedback regarding the sister treated like a selfish loser for her single lifestyle (Oct. 29):

Reader: “Her sisters are jealous of her happiness and success, so they make her feel bad about herself.

“She needs to change the way she reacts to their insults and backbiting. Rising to the bait encourages their bullying. Some anti-bullying techniques:

1. Stay calm.

2. Don’t let them pull you into a debate on the merits of your life choices. Choose a topic-killer, like “This isn’t the time or place for that — let’s move on.” Be prepared to repeat it up to 10 times in a row (with a smile on your face) to get your message across.

3. Ignore snide comments. If the bully demands a response, look up and say with a smile, “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was just remembering the time when we . . .” and make the memory something interesting or funny.”