Wife may forgive, but forgetting is tough

August 02, 2010|By Ask Amy

Dear Amy: Almost seven years ago, my wife of 24 years learned that I had a 10-year affair with her closest friend. I had ended that relationship, but then I had a two-year affair with another friend of hers.

(Affair partner No. 1 exposed my second affair to my wife.)

I moved out, my wife divorced me, our two grown kids were traumatized and disappointed in me, but chose to see that I was horribly ashamed of my behavior and forgave me.

My former wife and I continued in therapy with the hopes of reconciliation. We are now living together.

My commitment to her and our family is certain. I live with shame for what I did and how it affected many lives. My former wife will not go to social events if she might see the women who betrayed her.

We have not seen the other couples in several years. My ex-wife's pain from these traumas is always just below the surface, and I hear about my affairs again and again.

I love her, but I am tiring of hearing about my actions, which traumatized me too.

Is full reconciliation impossible? I can't take back 12 years of adultery, but I want a future with the woman I loved all along.

— Now, True Blue

Dear Now: It is possible for your wife to forgive you and yet not be able to forget.

Remember that she was betrayed not only by you, repeatedly, but by two friends. That's a lot to get over.

It is exceptionally hostile for you to choose to be unfaithful to your wife with her friends. I can only hope that in addition to atoning for your own actions, you have also at least attempted to understand them.

I believe that full reconciliation is possible, but your wife may not want to reconcile — or she might be ambivalent. (I would not be ambivalent.)

Dear Amy: My grandmother moved halfway across the country more than four years ago, to live at a lovely retirement home near my aunt.

My father speaks to his mother each week but has not yet visited her.

I am put in the uncomfortable situation of getting calls from my grandmother asking why my father won't go out to see her. When I bring it up with my dad, he ignores the question or is vague.

My grandmother is turning 90 next winter and really would like to see her son.

Finances with my dad are not the issue. I tried last year to arrange a visit (with my mother) but was asked to stop pestering them.

My dad was a good father to me and is an excellent grandparent to my kids, but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with his total lack of regard toward my grandmother's wishes, which are not unreasonable.

At her age, it would be very hard for her to travel. My mother said she tried and is not willing to press the issue any further. What should I do?

— Midwest Middleman

Dear Middleman: You don't have to explain your father's insufficiencies. You should be warm, loving and honest.

When your grandmother asks you why your father won't visit, say, "Gram, I don't know what's going on with dad. I've asked him, but I don't really get a good answer. I'm sorry, I know this must disappoint you, but the kids and I are looking forward to our next trip, and we're really excited."

Dear Amy: I had to respond to the letter about the 12-year-old boy who had stuffed animals.

When I was in high school, the boy I had begun dating handed me a closed paper lunch bag.

Shyly, he said he knew I could sew and wondered if I could fix what was in the bag. It was a stuffed panda bear, badly worn.

I was touched by his sentimental attachment to the bear and thought, "This guy will make a great daddy someday."

Recently we celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary. He's been a wise, loving and gentle husband and father to our two daughters, who are now grown and married.