John:
Hayden Panettiere is on a yacht in Cannes, sunbathing. Just when you think it can’t get any better you find out she’s there with her new boyfriend, Steve Jones, and you boil over with excitement because all you ever wanted was for her to be happy…wait. That came out wrong. I meant –
Hayden Panettiere is on a yacht in Cannes with some lucky douchebag who isn’t you or I and all we can do is look at the photo gallery and hope.

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen…CANNONBALL. I’d say Ron said it best here, because lets face it who gives a sh@t about Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia. I mean sure I’d hold Hayden down and make her recite the alphabet backwards whilst I defiled her. But, hey, that’s gravity right? Certain things just are, and certain people just do. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, for those of you who still care, the powers that be have determined that the couple has broken up.

Heroes costars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia have called it quits, Usmagazine.com has learned.
“It was a lifestyle conflict,” a source close to the couple tells Us, adding that the split happened within the last week. “They were in very different places.”
Adds the insider, “They are still on friendly terms. There are no hard feelings.”
The source tells Us that Panettiere, 19, “is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that’s not his style.”

And I for one am sad. I mean relationships are hard these days and I just hate to see 19 year old famous millionaires depressed. It just irks me something awful. You know like winning the lottery irks one. Ah…se la vie.

John:
Hayde Panettiere was filming Heroes yesterday when one of the creepy crew members gave her some magic Kool-Aid and sedated her. He’d been training for this day all his life. It started when he was young. His father caught him nose-deep in his mothers stiletto heels. Ever since, he’s been dreaming of a day when he might defile a young starlit’s foot and get away with it.
Today was your day, Bro. Well done.

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Let me start by saying that Hayden Panettiere in this cleavage revealing outfit is about as good a fit as a bowling ball jammed up my urethra. Hayden’s stylist should be gagged and quartered for such an irrational act. Hayden’s boobs look like mosquito bites and I’ve never wanted to do her less than I do right now. Quit acting like your a grown up, Hayden. The jig is up. You’re not that hot. And you will never, EVER, pull off that outfit.

I’ve recently fallin out of love with Jessica Alba for her controversial ‘Declare Yourself’ ad. I’ve also lost my crush on Hayden Panettiere for never growing boobs and having an opinion. But losing my effection for these fallen stars is not enough. I now declare war on these two cheese-dicks for their recent parody video for the ‘Muzzler 2008’ infomercial. Grab a barf bag before watching this video, and by all means, don’t sit through the whole thing as you may become dehydrated and satanic.

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