Am I asking for too much? Or am I right to be a bit fussy?

December 12, 2015

I never really gave much attention to blogs or articles on marriage before, but as I’ve struggled to find my ‘perfect match’ on my own, have taken to reading them over the last year. Now whilst I think most of them are fairly agreeable, I think they all come down to the one question – why aren’t we all finding it so hard to find someone – and what can be done about it.

I’ve decided to write this article for Muzmatch in the hope of putting my own thoughts down on paper so that a) to help me understand my own needs and whether I’m being unrealistic myself, and b) for the wider audience to appreciate the typical scenarios and issues that I personally come across (and would assume many men do too).

Lets start with my personal situation. I in my late 30s, have previously been married and have 2 beautiful children Alhamdulillah. I’ve been looking to get (re)married seriously now for 3 years. I’m educated to Masters degree level, can speak Arabic, would like to think that I keep myself fairly fit and active, presentable (although my family are always telling me to get a haircut). I am 6 foot tall and whilst beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and I’d never openly say this of myself usually – for the sake of this article, would think I’m above average on the attractiveness scale (Allahu A’llam). I pray 5 times a day (although struggle to get up in time for Fajir), I’ve performed Hajj and Ummrah (May Allah accept them and of all the Muslimeen) and generally consider myself a positive and well intentioned person (Inshallah) with a good sense of humour.

Ok now that’s out the way, allow me to describe what I’m looking for in my future wife. God fearing, practising muslima, good looking (at least in my eyes) and preferably slim. I’d prefer someone Arabic or is open minded to learning Arabic.

My initial thoughts were that I’m not asking too much, although 3 years on and I’ve still not re-married. Ok, I may be considered to have ‘baggage’ although I think having the kids is a blessing and the experience has made me into a better person, and able to deal with any future issues in a better way. I tend to find most muslim women have an issue with someone having kids. On one occasion I viewed a profile on a muslim marriage site and the lady had marked ‘do not contact me if you have been divorced. Divorce is a sign of failure’ – Wow I thought – obviously I didn’t write to her. Whilst I was a little shocked by her statement and did initially think of writing to her to explain sometimes divorce happens and it’s not always possible to avoid, in the end I felt it best to just move on, as I didn’t want to cause any potential argument. To my surprise, a few days later I received a message from her asking to get to know me! I replied gently pointing out her requirements on her profile, to which she replied ‘oh, I don’t think that way now. I got divorced a few months ago’. Subhanallah!

I’ve actually found non Muslims much more accepting of my situation, and in all honesty I came very close to marrying an English lady, who I got to know. She was kind, understanding, beautiful, and had knowledge of Islam having lived in the Gulf for a few years. She was also looking to convert to Islam, and we almost got married. However, her family whilst they liked me as an individual, had issues with their daughter converting to Islam and she felt she couldn’t do it in the end. Turns out it’s not just our culture that has issues with interfering families!

I started to think about what I really wanted, and if I’m honest, I prefer someone several years younger than myself, somewhere in range of 22-34. Attractiveness is important to me and I don’t see why women (or men for that matter) should let themselves go as they get older. For me, I prefer a slim and sporty physique, that’s just what makes me tick. I prefer someone above 5’6″, although would consider anyone over 5’2″. I have realised that my main point is a show stopper, the lady has to be God fearing and practising musilma.

I recognise that I’m not able to meet may Muslim women, partly because of our cultural tendencies that we’re more modest and don’t just hang out on street corners or pubs/clubs (thank God), but also because my line of work tends to be male dominated. I need to address that by getting myself out to more social events or thinking outside the box.

Now I don’t the answer to my issue (never mind everyone else’s) – but my feeling is that we all need to put a little more effort into a) Looking after our physical appearance; b) become a little more accommodating – if the person in front of you doesn’t match all your criteria but you feel there’s a connection, give it a chance; and c) making ourselves more available – whether by putting our faces on our profiles on these marriage sites (what’s the point in not showing it – if you’re serious about marriage, then who cares about what anyone thinks – After all, yore not doing anything wrong. Keep your parents in the loop if you feel the need to).

On that note – if anyone feel that we’d be a match, feel free to get in touch 🙂

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15 Responses

With all due respect, feel like the writer is highly hypocritical. He has a tendancy to talk about what he prefers throughout the whole of the blog. Not once did he mention that he doesn’t mind whether his match is divorced or not, yet prefers ladies who are in the age range of 22-34? Bizzare. I think he needs to take what little advice he has wrote in the last paragraph himself.

I can’t but agree with you Sara this writer has only made emphasis of outer appearance and not much is said about Spirituality. He has placed much details about what he wants what about what she wants. Mind you no matter how beautiful the lady you are looking for is, there will be more beautiful women you will come across. In as much as you need to satisfy your eyes about beauty, look for someone with a good inner being, someone who is conscious of Allah and you will find happiness.

Someone needs a reality check 🙂 I suspect this bachelor in question has probably come across many beautiful women but is after the type of beauty that perhaps exists in the modified world of Bollywood / Hollywood.

Advice, next time you meet a girl. She maybe ok looking not your ideal. But instead of calling it off befriend her for a bit get to know her. If she’s the type of character you are looking for she will grow in beauty as well. Sometimes it takes time and effort to appreciate beauty, it’s not always instant.

Reality check – too many so called ‘practising muslims’ (city workers) want a Muslim Woman but who also looks like a supermodel and is very modern. Stop lying to yourselves. You all want white women but are unable to get them. Crap article.

As a divorcee with a two year old child. What I have come across in my search is that men in particular, men with children and are divorced are looking for single women with ‘no baggage’. Now I understand why single men who havn’t been married before would find it an objection…but men in similar circumstances…I don’t get it?!

Its more of a male issue then a female. If we all looked at the life of Our Prophet SAW then we would all be open minded. People’s priority are completely wrong.

I don’t happily let someone see my picture because I wear the veil. And I feel men, more then women judge by looks more then anything. If you want to see me, then I suggest the perspective man should have the decency to see me in reality . In a world full of superficiality, selfies and photoshopped images and not mentioning social media, for me, looks are the last of a characteristic I would go for in a bloke.

So, in essence, the bloke who wrote this article ,i’m sorry brother. But, you are asking for too much. Islam has advised what kind of spouse you should look for quite clearly and how by choosing the appropriate would lead to success. Looks fade,,,,, we are not in Jannah.

And for men who have a heart and practise the Prophet’s sunnah and don’t mind that I have a child, please contact me 🙂

Wow!!! The comments posted by some, especially the one before mine are very telling of the condescending attitudes developed by these young adults. Parents are partially to blame. I agree the article was poorly written, much like many of the previous articles aimed at men. The issue is much more extravagant than our parents could’ve imagined. There will be many unwed young men and women. The after affect is on the Ummah and how the beauty of this religion will fade away because of the marital problems facing this community. We have several groups of our current Ummah. Some never step foot inside a mosque, both men and women. Some have become more spiritual. Some have become cafeteria muslims. The issue originates from the home of these young adolescents. Until they can love them selves and live a pious life. MANY will either marry out of the faith, as many women have done already (may they find their way), or many will not be wed. Both men and women are responsible for this.

This didn’t feel much like an article as much as an extended personal ad ! I thought about one of the points you raised regarding marrying an English/Foreign lady than one from my own culture, ironically, because they are less demanding and more accepting of who I am as a person, rather than solely about what I am able to provide.

Sharing a personal story, I’m from the Middle East and recently went to visit my family. My parents insisted on introducing me to someone while I’m there, someone they met through family friends and felt was the right person for me. I was against the traditional way of meeting my partner, but having an open mind I just went for it. There was mutual attraction on the first meeting, which subsequently led to 3 more meetings (all at her parents house with them present) and ultimately led to reading “Al Fatiha”.

I travelled back to England and made sure I keep in touch with her as often as I can. Here’s were the problems started to happen, her father didn’t appreciate that I called her so often, even though she’s the one who asked for a daily call (personally I preferred once/twice a week). Her mother occasionally visited mine to keep the family ties, and whenever they met she would come up with a long list of demands regarding a hefty dowry, Jewellery, Fancy engagement and wedding parties to be held in a five start resort. This was only two months into the relationship !

After speaking with the girl a number of times, we came to realise a few differences of opinion on some key points which I felt were swept under the rug rather than talk about, so that we can keep the marriage proposal moving forward. Her parents insisted that I come back in 3 months time and marry the girl (whom I barely know)….I started to have a bad feeling about the whole thing and just politely broke up.

I found this whole experience to be off-putting, and to be honest made me think twice about marrying someone the traditional way “through parents”. That’s why I will take things slow in meeting someone, with the intention of eventually settling down of coarse. However, I will not be rushed or bullied into marrying someone I’m still unsure about.

What Muslim women need to realise is that this is a two-way street. Adding pressure and having a long list of demands will make every guy run to the hills ! I’ve never once seen a girl write what she offers the guy, it’s always what she gets which is sad and really off-putting.

You had one bad experience which was bad for you – but don’t catergorise all Muslim women by saying we need to take it slow.
I think you need to re-read this article …this is a Muslim male stipulating what HE wants yet not offering what he can give…

Just because an experience didn’t work out doesn’t make it a bad one nor a process that wouldn’t produce a successful outcome.

I don’t understand why people don’t see their “failed” experiences as positives – if the outcome was that you didn’t get married, it isn’t a failing. You’ve prevented yourself from divorcing someone who you could see wasn’t compatible in this instance. You have also benefited from learning what is more important to you in a spouse. And ultimately you have been protected and prevented from marrying the wrong person. As has the woman who you didn’t end up marrying.

Sure in the first few weeks or months of parting ways you feel negative, sad, disappointed and at a loss but you can’t despair of their ever being a successful outcome from any type of process just because one time it didn’t work out.

If it’s one thing that bugs me with Muslim men these days is that they have this deep rooted fear of trying. Making efforts. You see everything as taking away from you but I thought Islam teaches us that the person who is giving the most is the better of the two. Obviously don’t give in to stupid demands and raise your concerns when you have them or you see things venturing into the realms of excess but I don’t understand why you men just run away when it gets tough. At the first sign of disagreement, most Muslim men that I have encountered run away which only goes to prove that you’re not ready for marriage in the first place. Because marriage is going to be hard work, you need to be prepared to put up with a lot of what you don’t like because that person isn’t made to acquiesce to your every desire. She’s also a human being with desires of her own which you might not be meeting either. The successful relationship of any kind involves cutting the other a lot of slack. A wide berth and love for the sake of Allah not yourself.

Hmmm!!! Interesting. So the girl needs to be younger, silm, pretty ect but she’s not allowed to have a preferance of marrying a guy with no kids?
No offence but if you have so many restrictions, which you are entitled too then please don’t be offended if a girl wants a single guy with no kids. Being fussy works both ways!!!

There seems to be a severe lack of self awareness in the writer of this piece.

On the one hand your showstopper, deal-breaker point is deen, practicing and God-fearing etc but on the other hand you describe physical attributes at length and as first and foremost. I learnt more about your prospective wife’s physical requirements for you to like her than her internal beauty. You mention nothing about family and helping others. You mention nothing about her needing to be remotely intelligent or interested in reading or the outdoors and genuinely more healthy Islamic pursuits.

As for the point about judging someone who hasn’t ever been married and not wanting to marry someone who has already tried and failed. Can you genuinely accuse them of thinking something inhumane? On a non judgemental level, before we have ever done anything with anyone, we sort of hope for our first experiences in marriage and love etc to be with someone for whom it is also a first experience as well. It levels the playing field. It’s not that I think there must be something wrong with a divorcee. Some of the best Muslims are tried through the pains of divorce and there was no wrongdoing on their part. The problem is more that you don’t actually sound like one of them. You sound like you think you are a catch and you can’t for the life of you understand why no woman is biting the bait you so obviously present.

Humility is attractive. I don’t mean to say anything to insult anyone but sometimes if you put your views and opinions on the line like that, it’s a blessing to find out what you need to be more aware of in yourself that others may not have told you about or that you just haven’t realised within yourself already.

Take the above as a blessing or ignore it in resentment at someone that doesn’t really know you at all and so may be opining something totally wrong. Allahu-allam.