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And now we go to the prezzzzzzidential duh-bate

Moderator: Good evening. My name is Jim Lehrer and welcome to the first of three presidential debates. Tonight, we’ll—

Romney:—Jim, I’m sorry, but I have to respond to that.

Moderator: In a moment. Before the debate, a coin toss was held to determine who would speak first. After the toss, election lawyers representing each campaign challenged the results of the toss, and the matter is now being litigated in federal court. So let’s just start with President Obama.

Obama: Zzzzzz.

Romney: Jim, I’d like time to respond to the president’s snoring.

Moderator: Mr. President, are you awake?

Obama: Of course. I’m ... yaaaawn ... very excited to be here. First off, it’s my anniversary. So I’d just like to take a moment to acknowledge my best friend in the entire world, the love of my life, and someone without whom I would not be here today: my teleprompter. I’d also like to acknowledge my wife, and tell her happy anniversary. I love you, sweetie. You’re my honey bunny. My Sugarplum. My lovey dovey, my —

Romney:—Jim, I’d like to respond by throwing up.

Moderator: Good idea.

Obama: So can we go home now?

Romney: Let’s talk taxes. Under my plan, every middle-class family would get one million dollars cash each year.

Obama: The government can’t afford that.

Romney: Who said anything about the government?

Obama: Now it’s time for our final statements.

Moderator: Actually, sir, we’re just getting started.

Obama: Well then, let me just read my notes, which say that if elected, my opponent will give tax cuts for the rich, and start a war on women.

Romney: You forgot “kill our seniors.”

Obama: Yes, thank you.

Romney: Jim, on the campaign trail, I recently had the privilege of speaking with a white, married soccer mom in a vital swing state. Say, North Carolina. She told me how she and her husband, a blue-collar male between 30 and 55 in Ohio, are really struggling. Just then, a single, college-educated woman from Virginia came up to me and said the she’s hurting too, as is her Hispanic sister from Colorado. She was joined by her parents, who are Jewish senior citizens in Florida. Or possibly Iowa.

Moderator: Mr. President, you have two minutes to respond.

Obama: It’s George W. Bush’s fault.

Moderator: That’s it? You don’t want to defend your economic record?

Obama: Have you seen my economic record?

Moderator: Good point. Mr. Romney, how do you plan to cut the deficit?

Romney: One way we can save money is by eliminating funding to PBS. Under my orders, Navy SEAL Team Six would take out Big Bird. One shot could do it.

Moderator: OK.

Romney: I’d like to respond to that.

Moderator: Respond? To yourself?

Obama: Jim, we should probably leave now if we want to beat traffic.

Romney: We’ve seen traffic increase significantly these past four years.

Moderator: Let’s talk jobs. There are 23 million people unemployed.

Obama: We’ve created lots of jobs. For example, I hired a college kid to go around filming Mitt Romney’s speeches. That’s a job. I’ve got three guys making negative ads. There’s four jobs right there. Don’t tell me we’re not creating jobs.

Moderator: What about excessive government spending?

Romney: The government can’t keep spending money it doesn’t have. We’re using the Chinese as our credit card.

Obama: Yes, but when you charge a trillion dollars on a credit card, do you realize how many mileage points you get?

Romney: Jim, I have to respond.

Obama: We could use those miles to fly to Cozumel. For free.

Moderator: With all due respect, Mr. President, you don’t seem to be very well-prepared for this debate.

Obama: Well there’s only one person to blame for that: George W. Bush.