Alastair's briefing

By Armando Iannucci

12:00AM GMT 23 Feb 2001

E-mail to the Prime Minister, via Washington server

ANOTHER good week. I sense you're beginning to connect with George W Bush. Having a fund of Clinton jokes helped. I'm meeting Al Gore for lunch, so I'll get some more off him. Hillary rang with a few new ones, but she wants money for them. As does Bill.

I think at this stage the best thing to do with Bush is demonstrate how alike you are, in that you're both compassionate conservatives. Which is why I've organised Cherie and Mrs Bush's visit this afternoon to a federal execution. I also think you should accept Bush's gift of a rifle, and my sources assure me he'll be happy to receive your gift of a mortar shell tipped with depleted uranium.

I've put in a bid for the 6ft hamster from the Dome auction. If we get it, we'll fly it out over the weekend as a symbol of Britain and America's joint commitment to bio-technology.

Memo to Gordon Brown, Labour Campaign Command

I GATHER we've now got our Election Fighting Fund up to £50 million, though I can't for the life of me see why you're still insisting it would be the prudent thing to do not to spend any of the money.

Tony would like to get the fund up to £100 million before he feels it's safe to call the election. I think this is wise. We've already committed £34 million for the Media Monitoring Unit Satellite System, and we'll need another £41 million if we want Tony to go round the country in his election Battle Harrier.

I see now how hampered we are not having Mandelson at the helm. He was very good at securing donations. Under the present climate, I'm extremely reluctant to pursue any money-raising schemes that smack of something the papers can get hold of, so we're currently restricted to our usual tried and tested donors.

So, another £22 million is on its way, mostly from Lord Sainsbury and a promise from Lord Bragg's publishers on the advance sales of his next novel. Ben Elton's also promised £49 million, but only if we bring in early legislation to peg political donations to £15 million, so I'm not sure he's going to be much use.

Circular to all names on the Electoral Register

AS you know, there is very likely to be a general election within the next 12 months. This Government will once again be asking you to support us in our campaign to make Britain a better place for most of us in the 21st century.

As you decide how to cast your vote, can we take this opportunity to remind you of some of the benefits you've received from four years of Labour power? We have improved child care provisions, reduced mortgages, kept Kurds out and slightly increased pensions. As a result of our fiscal prudence, each citizen is, on average, £143.29 better off than they were four years ago.

That's why I'm writing to you now, to ask if you would help ensure the return of a Labour government by donating that £143.29 to our election campaign fighting fund. This is not much to ask, and is a small price to pay for the improvements we've made to your all-important household finances.

Or would you rather that kind of thing just stopped?

Letter to Stuart Wheeler, Chairman, IG Index

I NOTED with interest your recent donation to the Conservative Party of £5 million. I gather you have pledged this sum on the understanding it retains its policy of not replacing the pound with the euro.

Can I point out that, under present circumstances, entry to the euro is extremely unlikely anyway, given the polls? Also, as a government, we will certainly be minimising any debate on the issue. This being the case, I wonder if you would care to match your donation with one to us of a slightly larger value?

After all, we're the ones who are going to get in.

Text message to Tony Blair

REMIND Bush of Baghdad bombing and support for Strategic Defence Shield. Would Republicans like to make donation to Labour Party?