Comments on: On Women Who We’re Supposed to Hatehttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/
As narrated by the most charming and vicious women on the internetFri, 16 Jan 2015 17:30:59 +0000hourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.8.5By: Jenn_smithsonhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65558
Sun, 20 Mar 2011 05:13:59 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65558I love, love, love, LOVE my mother-in-law. She is awesome! She was the only one who helped my husband in college despite never having much money. When she had our baby sister 5 years ago (she’s 18 years older than us and had Kylie at 40), we did our best to help her out when she suddenly found herself unemployed. I would do anything for that woman.

My father-in-law is an utter asshole. When my husband was 16, I gave him a birthday party at my house. His dad showed up and demanded he first pawn his gifts and second get a job to help out with bills. Jeff has always imagined that he is on the cusp of fame and riches and thus, doesn’t need most people and can spend His money His way. A little later that same year, Jeff took Mom back to court for some back child support from when my husband was 2. His excuse to the judge was that he needed it because my husband was college bound and he would need to help him. My husband goes to college two years later and Jeff has not provided one thin red dime toward his education. A few years ago I wa working in a jail making nothing and we were overdrawn at the bank just before christmas so I asked my husband to ask Jeff for some money since he had recently married a wealthy woman and was still getting monthly payments from Mom. Jeff refused but offered to buy my husband’s rifle from him. The rifle was worth $1,200 as it had some nifty modifications on it but Jeff would only give $400 for it. Jeff then turned around an found a buyer willing to pay full worth for it essentially making an $800 profit off of his own son. For seceral christmases in a row, we were given bibles, apologetics books, and christian t-shirts even though we’ve told them, repeatedly, that we’re not christian. At one point, everytime we went to the house, Jeff’s wife literally took me by the arm and shut me up in their back room. I thought it was because they hated me but only months later was it explained that Jeff wanted to talk my husband alone. Guess what he wanted to talk about – that I was getting fat and was an unsuitable wife and Jeff wanted to introduce him to someone “better.”. Jeff once told me that he was opposed to tax money being spent on abortions (while I was working for Planned Parenthood). I told him that the Hyde amendment already made sure that wasn’t happening and he accused me of making it up. Obviously, we don’t talk about politics or anything else. Last year, we were excited to find out I was pregnant and we announced a little early. Jeff’s reaction to the news was, “oh no, now you’ll be stuck with her.”. The pregnancy ended up not being viable and when my husband called to tell them the news, Jeff said, “god really does answer prayers.”.

My husband loves my family, even my own racist, sexist, bigot of a father. And they love him so it’s only Jeff who causes issues. And my husband, god love him, still wants a relationship with this man because he feels that they usually get along okay now and for so much of his childhood they didn’t. At the end of the day and his foul, insensitive mouth, that’s still unfortunately my husband’s father.

]]>By: waxghosthttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65542
Sat, 19 Mar 2011 20:45:21 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65542Being the one in my relationship who came from a crappy (nuclear) family and did not fully process how crappy it was until well after my husband told me his opinions about it, I can say for myself at least that it took that other perspective to help me get over the “blood is thicker than water” bullshit that our society piles on us and start to demand respect for myself. I hope that everyone’s relevant SO’s mentioned in this thread have had a similar experience.

It probably goes without saying, then, that I am much closer to my husband’s family than my own. My MIL was the first person to make me feel comfortable in the family, and it wasn’t just because she’s a very warm and welcoming person; she also did things like restraining herself from hugging me too much until I was comfortable with it (which took years) in spite of her own wishes.

I think part of the friction can also be the (sexist) expectation that the wife basically become a surrogate mother, which essentially shoves the mother out of the way. But my husband would be creeped out by that idea, and even where my MIL and I might “compete” (baking and cooking), I don’t mind that he still prefers some of hers over mine because how can you begrudge a person the remembered comforts of their childhood?

Also, like Charlotte, I’m still closer to 2 of my 3 stepmothers than to my own father. In fact, I generally have gotten along much better with female family members than any male family members. It’s part of the reason I call myself a feminist in the first place.

]]>By: Skadahttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65506
Sat, 19 Mar 2011 07:00:09 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65506@annajcook: I think the distinction you make is really accurate. It can be so frustrating and heartbreaking to be with someone whose parents did damaging things. And I definitely agree with the fallout. It’s hard to be with someone who has issues stemming from things like parental physical and emotional abuse, especially because even though I knew it wasn’t his fault, knowing that didn’t dissolve the problems the abuse caused in our relationship. I imagine people feel similarly about being in a relationship with me, given my issues stemming from abuse I’ve experienced in past relationships.

I think I’m rambling, but I guess the point I’m making is that it’s frustrating to have in-laws who act difficult to me, personally, but it’s upsetting to the point of scalding anger (as you mentioned) to have in-laws who are (or were) damaging to their children.

@TMae: That’s an awful situation. It’s definitely heart-wrenching to watch someone treat someone you love with such cruelty. And it’s hard to watch someone you love continue to spend time with and make excuses for that cruel person, too. =\

]]>By: Unpossiblehttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65483
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 20:15:41 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65483I cannot and will not read “DH” as anything other than “Designated Hitter.” (Also, some of my friends have a running joke where “dear ___” becomes “deer-___,” so thinking about someone’s “deer-husband” just makes me giggle. Is he half-deer, half-man, like a centaur? Or maybe he’s a were-deer?)

In any case, my boyfriend’s father is, to put it bluntly, a racist (it makes him “uncomfortable” to see us being affectionate, because I’m half Chinese, basically). He’s also judgmental as hell about pretty much everything, and spending any time around him requires some serious tongue-chewing. His mother has always been very nice to me, but I just can’t feel comfortable knowing that she’s aware of her husband’s feelings, but is unwilling to rock the boat and defend me/her son. That said, I don’t hate her; mostly I feel sad knowing that she’s also in an awkward situation, though can’t quite forgive her.

I really wish I could love his family, because my family loves him, but they’ve just been too shitty (mostly to him about me and our relationship, rather than directly to my face), and I can’t imagine ever trusting them. They have literally been the largest source of conflict in our 12-year relationship.

]]>By: TMaehttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65481
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 19:52:39 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65481I want to like my mother-in-law. I think, under different circumstances we might be able to be in the same room without my anxiety skyrocketing. We have similar political philosophies, and share some of the same interests, so it doesn’t seem too hard to imagine for me.

Except that she is awful. She treats my husband poorly (something like Skada describes), and once it became clear to her that my husband was “serious” about his relationship with me, she did everything she could to undermine it. And when she was unsuccessful at undermining our relationship, she switched to overt temper tantrums regarding my existence. “WHYYYYY does she have to come to dinner???? Can’t it just be you and me?” This while we were visiting her together in another state.

Like Av0gadro says, I wonder if I have ruined my mother-in-law for my husband. He, until meeting me, felt that her behavior towards him was normal. And now that he sees her as damaging he is less tolerant.

Anyway, I think my point in all of this is that the thing with in-laws is that we can’t escape them. As a previous commenter pointed out, if you have a co-worker or person you see occasionally that you dislike, you can minimize the time you spend with them, walk away, or ignore them altogether. With in-laws…we’re kind of stuck.

]]>By: fourelevenhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65465
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 14:17:33 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65465Blind Irish Pirate, that sounds like a great meeting! My family has a set of imaginary rules where we can’t talk about anything seemingly inappropriate like that, which makes it challenging because the only appropriate things left are boring topics like the weather or one’s job.

I also hate those stereotypes as well. I don’t fall into those stereotypes and most people I know don’t either.(That could be an entirely different post for me.)

]]>By: Blind Irish Piratehttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65463
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 14:08:06 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65463The thing with in-law flicks is how creepy they are. The “Daddy’s Little Girl” and “Mama’s Boy” roles just hint a the creeptastic stereotypes that society seems to dwell on. I’m specifically thinking of “Monster In Law” and “Wedding Crashers.” And I’m so ashamed to admit I’ve seen both.

I also wanted to scrub my brain with Lysol after both.

But I like my in-laws for everything that my parents aren’t. My first dinner meeting them was pretty dismaying – not only did they end up talking about bowel movements, but I could join in… and not feel weird. It was an alternate universe. People talk about this and aren’t shush-ed!?

Hah.

]]>By: Larshttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65460
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 13:08:22 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65460I have an OK relationship with my mother-in-law. I think the main thing there is that I have no obvious trigger points with her. Sure, she sometimes say and do things that aren’t nice – few people don’t – but I can mostly take that in stride; she’s not poking at any of my personal issues. Likewise, I rather enjoy cooking and such with her, and there’s no problem saying “don’t do that” when she’s doing thing with the kids I don’t agree to.

I guess I’m lucky. I know plenty of people with in-laws who manage to again and again poke at personal trigger points, and that can quickly escalate.

]]>By: fourelevenhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65442
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 04:01:20 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65442Av0gadro, my dad is in the same situation as your mother-in-law. He has essentially become a part of my mom’s family and rarely talks about or visits his own family. Sometimes I think he expect me to do the same and he still sounds a little resentful when we don’t spend a holiday with them.
]]>By: Av0gadrohttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/03/17/women-who-were-supposed-to-hate/comment-page-1/#comment-65441
Fri, 18 Mar 2011 03:50:57 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=19351#comment-65441I think, even in healthy situations, it’s partly just that another family is different. I’ll sometimes find myself annoyed by my extended in-law family gatherings, and then I’ll have to remind myself that I’m just as annoyed by my Uncle M as I am by my husband’s Uncle T, or that my Crazy Aunt Bev is a lot crazier and his Aunt J. But the same things don’t phase me at my own family gatherings, because I’ve been putting up with them since I was two. My annoyance at my husband’s family is relatively new so it seems much worse.

That said, I border on despising my parents-in-law (both of them!). They’re self-centered people. I do feel guilty because my husband never seemed to have a problem with them until after he married me, and then I think once he noticed my mostly-hidden disdain, he started noticing their less attractive qualities (although it’s probably also that he sees more now that we have kids of our own). When they’re visiting and he gets especially annoyed, I sometimes feel like I’ve ruined his parents for him.

anna, I think a third category of problem, and one that my in-laws fall into, is the in-law who welcomes you into the family too much, expects to BE your mother or father, and doesn’t understand why you might not open up the way they expect, or want to spend every holiday with them. My mother-in-law never go along with her father, and when she married, she really joined her husbands family. It took at least three years before she stopped looking surprised and a little hurt every time we spent a major holiday with my (much loved) family.