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Thursday, September 23, 2010

It’s the #59 Chi Omega Fall formal and you’re fucking wasted. After an hour-long bus ride where you put the bathroom out of commission by taking a fucking #97 dump all over the floor, you finally made it to your destination: some old ass couple’s “event center.” When she originally booked the formal, she was probably envisioning some evening of black ties and ballroom dancing. She was wrong.

Since you realize your date might as well be wearing a fucking t-shirt saying, “One ticket to Pound Town, please!” you scan the room for girls who might be interested in a “JV game” aka a warm up banging session. Just as you throw on your conductor hat and ready the fucking Brocomotive, you see it. It’s gotta be the most expensive thing in the entire house. Dangling from the ceiling, right next to a spiral staircase it’s hanging with shitloads upon shitloads of crystals. It’s the biggest fucking chandelier you’ve ever seen in your life. You immediately know what has to be done. You run up the stairs and scream out to the entire party: “I’m motherfucking Tarzan, bitches!” As all the girls scream out in fear/get wet, all the bros start #4 chanting the shit out of your name. You let out one of those Tarzan monkey screams and fly across the room, ripping the fixture right out of the ceiling. As you and the chandelier come shattering to the ground, everything goes black.
You come to and hear bros discussing how much of a legend you would be if it turns out you’re dead. Meanwhile the bro-hater owner is screaming about how the fucking cops are coming. While this might scare some fucking #80 loser, you’re a bro, so you got this shit under control. You whip out your wallet, give her your credit card and tell her to charge that shit. Then you call her a bitch. Serves her fucking right – couldn’t she tell you’re a fucking bro – by definition one of the richest people on the planet, no cops are fucking necessary. As she cleans up her priceless family heirloom/toy you used to show people how fucking awesome you are, you realize something: while money might not buy happiness, it sure as fuck buys invincibility. Bros fucking love being rich.

Do you have to be rich to be a bro? No – but it sure as fuck helps. Bros are resourceful as shit. They’re able to have huge ass bar tabs, sick cars, and pretty much buy whatever the #90 fuck they want, all of which is accomplished without even having a summer job. Summer jobs are for fucking losers. The only jobs bros ever get during the summer involve the word “blow.” Why would bros ever need to make money? Wouldn’t that be a slap in the face to all the hard work our #14 fathers did so we could have the opportunity to enjoy the finer things - like getting drunk and spending their cash on important shit like moon bounces and dunk tanks?

I always hate people who talk about “classless social systems” and “taxing the upper class.” That’s fucking Commie bullshit. People are just fucking jealous of all we’ve accomplished. And don’t even get me started about how “society is stacked against #38 poor people.” Give me a fucking break – how can you honestly sit there and say society is worse for lower classes than it is for bros? When was the last time a homeless person got kicked out of school for #53 forcing pledges to spend a week in a coffin? Uhh, try never. “Oh, but drug addiction makes it so hard for them to get a job!” Cry me a fucking river – bros do drugs all the time, but it doesn’t stop them from getting a job at their Dad’s law firm. In all seriousness though, why is it ok for fucking poor people to tax the shit out of my trust fund, yet it’s “against the law” for me to #2 steal someone’s mailbox just to #33 burn it AS A JOKE? Yet another brocist double standard.

There’s a reason why bros are considered first class citizens – it’s because we’re the fucking best. Bros have known they were the fucking best since they were like 5 years old and the staff started calling them “Sir” at their Country Club. Knowing you’re better than everyone just because your family has a shitload of money is fucking awesome. It doesn’t get much better than getting a minimum wage worker fired for bringing you the wrong type of beer. That’s what that fucker gets for trying to dip his hand into my trust fund.

For the most part, bros are a pretty tolerant group of people. We put up with most of brocist society’s bullshit, such as closing bars down at 4 am, telling us it’s not “socially acceptable” to get #88 wasted for your little sister's 3rd grade school play, and the invention of #24 condoms. But if there’s one thing that bros won’t stand for it’s people talking shit about their parents’ money. They earned that shit with a little thing called hard work so that one day their sons might get the chance to grow up to be bros. Make them proud, bros. Make them proud.

26 comments:

Anonymous
said...

classless social systems don't exist. feminists put that idea into society to attempt to make bros fight a double-fronted war of brotrition. Well, buck up bros, we got a fight on our hands so you better reach for your dad's credit card and start swiping the shit out of society

Well said brodhisattva, being rich is just another perk that seperates us from the gen-pop bro haters of the world. Another signal to society that we came from a superior gene pool of good looks and wealth from our bro predecessor (father), and in essence have greater chance of survival in the natural selection of the human species.Bro on bros. And remember to honor "national slam a piece in a tailgate porta potty day" this Saturday.

One of the best posts you've put up in awhile bro. Literally hit the nail on the head with this one. Bro-hater Obama is the fucking anti-bro. He's making a bro's life that much harder. Given we still do whatever the fuck we want just cause we can, Obama is making our trust funds diminish that much faster. Fuck those poor bitches and let us do what we do best: fuck bitches and spend our father's money.

My favorite activity is rolling in my s5, loyola dons lax sweat pants because I obvs went to Calvert Hall, nothing in the pockets but an amex and my car key. Why bother with more pockets? My doorman lets me into my apt.

Spot on as always, NYB. The shear thought of a poor people makes me want to fucking puke. Even worse, is the thought of one of those "people" receiving a welfare check that comes from my tax dollars. Too bad these types of people don't have to wear some sort of marking, or else I would know exactly who to run over with my X5.

What pisses me off even more are the people that argue for rich people to be taxed more... They are all the same too- faggot ass psuedo intellect hipsters that think just because they were born into a poor (aka shitty) family, that my rich ass should help them out. Fuck that shit. Hear my call, bros- Next time you see a thick framed glasses wearing, star bucks sipping, piece of shit talking about how he wants rich people to be taxed more, do the rest of us a favor and punch that clown in the fucking nose. God I fucking hate poor people.

This is a great post. It reminds me of the time I took a dump in a public trashcan and some hobo fucking flipped saying some shit like I "defiled his home." Fuck that shit, I could buy him a thousand goddamn Rubber maids. Its time for society to admit that they can't stop bros because we are rich as shit and thus above "social norms," "ethics," and the law. Besides, by father is a fucking judge anyway.

Being rich as shit, having my superior looks and being a fucking bro is a recipe no slam piece can turn down. That's why we slay every other night.

One thing to watch out for is brosers. They try to walk the walk and talk the talk and sometimes they're pretty good at faking it but all they want is to mooch of a bro's money. If you can't afford it then fuck you don't ask me to dig out of my hard earned trust fund. Fucking brodigger.

This is one of the most spot on posts i have ever read I live in a town with a lot of poor (shitty) people there is not a day that goes by when i was rolling up school in my prowler that i didn't get dirty looks from all of the bro-haters because I was rocking the sweet ass set of wheels. Then they would have the stones to ask me for a ride home simply put all i would say is i would but there are only two seats so where would I put my Iphone. I hate poor people keep up the brotastic work NYB

I agree with SummerRushChair in that it is Bro as fuck to get great (PAID) internships through connections while bro-haters are stuck getting shit jobs with the rest of societies suckers.

I got a paid managerial position to start off my internship and a flexible schedule to accomdate for partying every fucking night while bro-haters were calling out nepotism because they had to work like the 9-5wage slaves they are. Fuck nepostism when being better is hardwired into a my genetics.

Being rich is definitely a prerequisite for being a bro. How else would a bro be able to get away with all of the shit what we do? When I would walk through my old college town and see all the poor townies glaring at me and my bros, i'd laugh because i knew my watch cost more than their houses.

So fucking true bro, I also love how politics and bro haters act like poor people work hard. Yea being a janitor at bp is way harder than being sr vp of the international branch at BB&T. I'm a high school bro and I see it every day these kids that fail there classes cause they think they are the next waka flocka, or the next Chad ochocinco, then later in life they make excuses about how there broke.

So fucking true, the government taxed the shit out of the trust fund my grandparents left for me. Dead truth if there wasn't any tax on my trust fund I would literally be able to buy a Bentley. Why should I help out #80 losers who are poor because they didn't do their fucking homework. If your poor you should at least work hard to get a scholarship for college. FUCKING BROCISM

Best one yet Bro, best one yet. Last two comments got a standing ovation from me & 3 fellow bros. i'm fucking rich as fuck and it's fucking amazing. i got 5 properties each worth $300,00+ and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shit from the mid east. (props to my dad)i live in Northern va and theres still fucking beaners asking for my shit. if youre poor fuckin do your homework and learn some real shit instead of telling the government to steal mine. if you think you're the next flocka or gucci mane, kiss my ass because they fucking suck dick and don't make shit. It fucking pisses me off how the poor people of USA complain about bros like me. I got goldblocks stacked up next to my dad's guns, you think i'm just gonna waste that shit? Not on your poor asses.