General Question

Question about sexual abuse; what should I do?

My cousin contacted me today through Facebook. She told me that a person on my friend’s list was the same guy that molested her niece along with many other kids in their neighbourhood years ago. Turns out that this guy is my ex girlfriend’s (who I was with for 10 years) brother. He is now 31, married and has two kids. The abuse happened when he was a teenager and was babysitting other young kids.

I remember when my ex and I were together, she had mentioned something about her brother ‘getting in trouble for doing something to a young child while babysitting’. And, really, that’s all that I remember her saying. When I talked to my cousin today, she said that “he got away with it because he was a young offender, but was ordered to go to counseling”. Now, here she is coming to me all worried about his kids, thinking that he may have done or is doing something to them. She is really upset by all of this. Apparently, he did some pretty awful things to the girls that he had babysat. I get the feeling that she wants to me approach my ex and talk to her about it. I wouldn’t even know what to say, if I were to talk to her about it. What should I do?

21 Answers

If the actions weren’t as severe as you intimate, I would say without question to let things lie. It’s in the past and it was a different era that wasn’t so hyped about pedophilia (as far as I remember). Not that makes it any less wrong, but it does affect how these things are handled.

My second inclination is to ask if there’s evidence of current abuse and to let things lie if there isn’t, but again given the supposed severity of past actions it’s difficult to justify waiting until something bad happens. Still, I would suspect that your cousin’s reaction is primarily driven by past memories than any current event.

How has your ex regarded him? Do you believe she’s given him a pass because he’s her brother or that she is sufficiently informed and feels no genuine need for concern? I’m no expert, but I think it’s possible for people to outgrow adolescent behaviors. If she’s given him a pass, by the way, then you will likely be confronted with her state of denial.

I guess what’s shaking out for me is that unless you feel this is something you’re clear on, you should tell your cousin to contact your ex (or whomever) herself. She’s an adult, obviously, and there’s nothing preventing her from contacting another adult and having an adult discussion. There’s really no need for you to share the responsibility unless you feel it’s a cause you want to take up as well.

At this point it is all speculation. I don’t think there is anything you can do without any evidence that he has continued his activities. If you should ever meet the kids and they show signs of abuse, then you can report it to CPS, but otherwise this is just supposition with no support.

I suppose the only even remotely possible action at this point is if you happen to run across your ex someday, you could maybe bring up her brother and ask how he and his kids are doing these days. You could explain that you remember her comment about him ‘getting in trouble for doing something to a young child while babysitting’ and had recently run across someone who knew him back then.

However, it would be best to either turn this back onto your friend and tell her to contact your ex to ask about him, or just leave sleeping dogs lie unless something makes your alarms go off. If you choose to do something you need to be very careful because if he has changed you could ruin his life, and he in turn could sue the daylights out of you.

Juvenile records are closed because sometimes kids do outgrow inappropriate behavior as the reach maturity.

There are a lot of considerations here. Unless you have specific reasons to believe this man is hurting his children then there isn’t much you can legally do. And if he has changed then you could be making things worse for his children instead of better. If you have a chance to be around his children then keep an eye open for odd behaviors so you will have something to report to CPS (child protective services). You could also keep him as a friend on Facebook and look for odd statements he makes or odd pics he puts up etc.. Even ask him how things are going if you wanted to get that far into it. But beyond that there isn’t much to do. Your cousin could call CPS if she is really worried and ask them to check into it but they aren’t likely to follow through without some kind of proof that something is going on. All we can do as a society is look out for the safety of these children. Just keep our eyes and ears open and if ANY red flags come up then make a report and keep making them until something is done. I might also recommend that your cousin go through some extra counseling. It seems that this is, rightly so, bringing up some very difficult issues for her.

@robmandu that’s what I mean. My cousin came to me with this and I’m thinking “how am I supposed to react to this?” I think that the best thing (like someone had said above) is for my cousin to contact my ex (if she chooses to). I really don’t know what she (my cousin) would want/expect me to do, you know?

@Darwin My cousin was all upset when I had talked to her. Her main concern is for his two girls. She wanted me to somehow bring up with my ex girlfriend, my ex’s brother abusing kids in the past and she said that I should tell my ex to keep an eye on her nieces. Like I said, she is obviously pretty emotional with all of this. And, really, when I think about it, it doesn’t make sense for me to talk to my ex. My ex knows what had happened in the past and if she were to suspect anything that is happening now, she would be the first to report him. She rarely sees her brother and I never see him. Like I said, my cousin just came to me all upset and I didn’t know how to deal with her. It’s such a difficult/sensitive issue.

Now, if we were talking about my brother (or other close relative), I’d probably have to take it on myself to ensure that he was fully open and upfront about his past with his (now) wife back when they got engaged. She should definitely know. And he should definitely tell her.

If you tell your ex, it won’t really accomplish anything. I mean she already knows about his past. And even if someone did call CPS, what are you going to say? There’s a possibility that a guy who got in trouble for abusing fifteen years mightt be doing it again based purely on the fact he’s a father now? There’s not much you can say or do.

You’re hearing all of this third-hand, and you have no direct evidence of any of it. It’s not your place to do anything; if your cousin is wrong, and you do something, the blame falls on you, not on her.

Your cousin’s heart is in the right place, but her suggestions on the actions to take are totally inappropriate. While it’s not uncommon for sex offenders to remiss on their recovery and abuse again, if he has in fact been rehabilitated, any actions taken could potentially ruin his family.

We all know the saying: what is the road to hell paved with?

If you were their neighbor or a family member, it would be different, because you are closer to the situation thus easier to use discretion to find out if there is any wrongdoing. But this is not the case. Having to go through each person in your 6° of separation to check up on the children is NOT discrete or handling this delicately at all, and that is what the situation needs.