Impending Post-Election Depression Confession

I can think of few things in my lifetime that have been more depressing than presidential elections. But politics may be turning over a new leaf. This year there will be one thing more depressing than the presidential election, and that’s the end of the presidential election.

Post-election depression is forecasted to hit the country in about two to three days.

If you can (and I know this is hard), try to imagine a country in which cold medication commercials roll in the place of attack ads, the evening news reports Iraq war death tolls instead of swing state election polls and the only people asking you for donations are Salvation Army Santas in front of Bloomingdales.

I don’t know about you, but to me, this seems devastating. Just thinking about Wednesday fills my mind with a million questions, starting with: Now where am I going to donate my money? What am I going to talk to my friends about? How will Saturday Night Live be funny?

Because of this election I walk around wearing buttons that tell people to vote with corny colloquialisms (“Fired Up to Vote!”) and I am completely immune from ridicule because it’s election-related, which means it can’t be cheesy, it’s noble!

Had I spent this Sunday volunteering at a soup kitchen to feed starving people who have lost their homes due to the financial crisis, or volunteering in a short-staffed hospital where people’s health and lives are reliant on sufficient personnel, I would have been a complete nerd. “What are you?” some friends would say, “seventeen and trying to impress some ivy league school with your extracurriculars?!” The others would just assume I’m there to network or meet a good-looking man. But in Obama-world, I am approaching “hip” for being a part of a phone bank in Philadelphia for the day.

Come November 5, what will I fight for that feels cool enough and socially acceptable without being too pretentious? What will be there to remind me that there is a U.S. state north of Maine? How will I feel morally okay about not reading the international section of the newspaper?

As you can see, the final countdown is presenting me with a certain existential crisis that I fear will take more than a few “ ballot recounts” to assuage.