Television and Popular Culture Commentary and Appreciation

I'm probably not going to do a full response to Monday's season premiere of Gossip Girl -- I have overly ambitious plans for 90210 and one or two things to say about Project Runway and The Hills before I can get to that. Short story: decent episode, where the f!@# was Kelly Rutherford, can't stand the Blair/Thin White Duke subplot, everyone's skin looked weird.

Enough about that. Here's the exciting news: Zap2it is reporting that Willa Holland will be appearing in at least three episodes of Gossip Girl, in a Little-J-centric storyline. I'm speechless. Willa Holland was a delight on The O.C.; I'm sure she's going to rock whatever it is she's doing on Gossip Girl.

Are you even watching Project Runway anymore? I am (I've seen every episode so far), but somehow it's just not moving me the way previous seasons did. I think it's a bad sign when an episode about designing drag costumes elicits little more than a "meh." (OK. I have more to say about last week: 1. I forgot that Daniel Feld's dress was really flattering. I think it just needed a dramatic coat or wrap to bring it up. 2. Joe totally took credit for Varla's idea about turning his Jetsons-ish jumpsuit into a sailor suit. I don't like Joe.)

Last night's episode had its bright spots. I liked Blayne for about a minute. That was exciting. But then he said "Timlicious." I'm done. Kenley's crisis with her "flat and boxy" replacement model ended up being nothing, which was odd. I sort of hated Kenley's air filter dress; I thought the judges would feel the same way and somehow the model-drama would get rolled into that. Elsewhere, my favorite designer, Terri, might be kind of obnoxious. My other favorite, Korto, looks like her early run of great designs was no fluke.

The guest judges were excellent. Laura Bennett filled in for Nina. That was kind of shocking. After all, last week, Chris March somehow didn't rate a seat at the judges' table. Laura did a phenomenal job, though -- she was authoritative, assertic and influential (at least judging from what we saw of the judging). I hope Magical Elves or whoever gets to decide these things was just as impressed -- Laura should get the Ted Allen/Anne Slowey/Mia Michaels 4th judge slot. I loved Rachel Zoe as well and I tell you what: as God is my witness, I'm going to watch The Rachel Zoe Project (if that's what it's called), because that bitch looks crazy.

Damn you, all of you too shiny, too rich, too thin, too tanned, too white-teethed, too vapid, too young young people of Los Angeles. Damn you all to Hell.

So, right. You guessed it. The Hills returned last night and I'm practically shaking with excitement. I didn't entirely, exactly plan to watch it. I meant to quit it. But then of course I did watch and now I'm in. I am not happy about this.

MTV of course blanketed the airwaves with The Hills: Lauren Looks Back this weekend, which did not help things. Remember when Lauren looked like a normal girl? Yeah, she was kind of too bronzed, but she looked a lot healthier and like someone you might maybe sort of want to hang out with. Her jaw was a different shape because she wasn't so skinny and because it wasn't clenched with discomfort or rage or whatever's going on when we see her now. More importantly, remember when someone besides Whitney actually had to go to a job and, you know, perform? Remember when the show seemed like maybe it was sort of a reflection of a normal person's 20s? So that made me sad.

Now in its fourth-ish season, The Hills has become almost claustrophobic. It feels like agony, every time a new person is added to the cast (or whatever you call these people). Do we really have room for Heidi's sister in addition to Spencer's? Or Lauren's latest unearthed ex, Doug (or something)? It's not just the space they take up, and it's certainly not having to remember which skinny blond is which (thanks to the omnipresent cards that read "Lo Lauren's Friend," etc.). It's imagining the elaborate back-stage logistical plotting that has surely preceded each new addition. Are we really supposed to believe that Holly's insertion into the Montag-Pratt Estate wasn't pain-stakingly negotiated by all parties, weeks before the Spencer-Heidi-Holly-Erin-Event Coordinator scenes? And Spencer was surprised?

What got me, this week, though, was the scene between Audrina and Lo. Did you see that? I've grown accustomed to thinking that Lo is the smartest person in every room. She's the only one -- excepting Spencer and, rarely, Whitney and LC -- who displays even a flash of wit. She has ironic (I think) hair. You would think she could mop the floor with someone like Audrina, time and again. How shocking, then, to watch Audrina completely out-maneuver her? Maybe we don't have all the information (um, we never have all the information on this show -- no matter how many supermarket rags we read and blogs we scan), but based just on that one scene, Audrina slapped Lo up one side of her mcgatehouse and down the other, all while seeming to actually not give a shit. In short, Audrina out-Lo'd Lo. Whoa.

What do you think? Is this all just too awful? Does everyone have to stop watching? And more importantly, how come they never eat frozen yogurt anymore?

Insert your own "Donna Martin Graduates!" joke here. Tori Spelling will not be appearing on the Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot/spin-off/whatever, even though I'm pretty sure the actress herself was lobbying to return. Why? Because, according to Nikki Finke, Shannen and Jennie are being paid more than she is. The Hell? Doesn't Tori already have all the money? Why does she care? I blame Dean or whatever his name is.

Cat is wearing another little silver dress. It's better than last week's -- a better fit, anyway. Her hair is nice and smooth, too.

Courtney/Twitch. This is yet another "crazy girlfriend" routine and it makes me uncomfortable. Why do they keep on doing that? Because "crazy boyfriend" sounds scary and abusive? Oh, right. Anyway, this kind of bores me. Ditto the judges, who kind of ramble at each other about nothing for a long time.

Courtney. All of the human interest stuff is surprisingly enjoyable. She's really good and really sweet about Gev. (Maybe they weren't doing it? I'm so confused.) The fix is in, though. The judges seem to be telling everyone that Courtney is not the winner of this competition. She's "young" and "not the best dancer." Her routine is the same one she's done every time she's had the chance.

Joshua/Katee. It's a Wade Robson routine. I almost crap myself. And yes, it's that good. Wow. Joshua is going to win. There's no way anything else could happen.

Courtney/Katee. This sucks. It's a stupid routine and the girls don't dance it very well. It's all about the frippy costumes and the bullshit umbrellas. And, yeah, Nigel tells us that Katee is much better than Courtney.

Twitch. Another good interview. Twitch is cast as the underdog. Poor Twitch has to praise the stupid French Canadian angel baby Viennese waltz. Of course. His performance almost redeems last week's teeth and glasses mugging. There's a little bit of hateful business between Nigel and Mary.

Joshua/Twitch. A Russian dance-off? Oh my God. I can't stand it. And the winner is . . . Josh, right? He had the one "holy shit" moment in the entire piece. Does it matter, though? Those boys have smoking chemistry. Mandy is practically fanning herself over the whole man-on-man thing. Cat, who was practically drooling over the Josh-Twitch pairing at the beginning of the show, does nothing to help. Um, Mary is, surprisingly, professional. Nigel talks about the men's thighs and then says "fo sho." Make it stop.

Katee. Of course we have to re-hash that stupid bullshit from Las Vegas about Katee maybe not wanting it enough. Cat confirms that Katee didn't do anything wrong -- thank you! Katee still doesn't have much of a personality. She kicks the shit out of her solo, though, even if she still needs help choosing songs. Seriously. Mandy deflates Katee's chances a little bit by encouraging her to take some more classes. I'm guessing -- based on watching Center Stage -- that even dancers at the top of their game are constantly taking classes, but Mandy sounds like she's extolling Katee as "America's favorite dancer . . . who could use some more work."

Twitch/Katee. This is very nice. OK. It bothers me that Michael Bublie's cover of "Feeling Good" is the soundtrack and it bothers me that the fringe on Katee's dress reminds me of human hair. (OK -- I watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch again last night.) Then the judging takes forever as Mandy and Nigel wet their respective panties over what Twitch looks like in a tuxedo. Is it weird that Mary is the one judge who can stay focused tonight?

Joshua. Wow. Good interview -- although I'm starting to get interview fatigue -- and then he has the best individual routine we've seen yet (OK, the best individual routine that was not Gev's). How can this kid not win?

Bzzzzzttttt -- Typepad crapped out here and I lost/forgot what I was going to say about the rest of the evening.

Can someone explain to me the life cycle of a reality show? Has anyone done research on this topic? I feel like something just happened with our Project Runway, something that has happened before and will happen again. In short, I think that we have passed out of the Self-Conscious Phase and into the Self-Parody Phase.

Seriously -- I'm half-convinced that half the designers (*cough* Suede, Jerell, that surrealism girl . . . that scary rocker lady . . . that dickslapicious Blayne) are actually actors performing in a skit for Reality Bites Back (only kind of funny). Every time Suede talks to the camera, my suspension of disbelief just completely disappears. No one really calls himself Suede -- and absolutely no one refers to himself in the third person, like that. Seriously. Have you ever met anyone in real life who does that?

That said, I'm actually starting to enjoy this season. I like the repetition of previous years' challenges -- maybe in part because it seems like an obvious slap at the franchise by Magical Elves. It's true that so far, each of these repeated challenges has compared unfavorably with the originals. Remember the one from the first season (right?) with the models' wedding dresses? That was hilarious. Wasn't the second season one about finding inspiration on the streets of New York the one that featured Andrae crying, on the runway, for like a half-hour for no definable reason?

However -- do I have a however? -- this episode seemed especially strong. Some of the designers are starting to click for me. I like Kelli. I like Daniel Feld. I love Kenley (although I wasn't crazy about this week's dress).

Holy crap! Chelsie! That did not play out the way I expected it to. What went wrong?

Actually, to be fair, nothing went wrong. All six of those dancers are excellent. All of them deserved this, and all were equally deserving. I'm just very surprised. I thought Chelsie, of all six, was the safest. Oh well. I really didn't know what to expect with the guys. I really thought that any of them could be eliminated -- even Joshua.

What else? Not crazy about Cat's look last night -- the dress looked like something she borrowed from Mary. Good show, though. Actually, really good show. What was weird was that each of them performed a much better routine -- not just danced better, but conceived better -- than they did Wednesday night. Which is weird, considering that the Wednesday routines mattered, in terms of voting, and these did not. Oh, and how classy were Chelsie and Mark? That was nice. And what about that Lil Demon kid? That was crazy, but did you see Nigel's veneers practically snap together outside of his mouth, like he had just seen a delicious treat? Don't get me wrong -- I'm sure it's all about the talent, but still . . . Chilling.

Wow! Is it just me or is there a huge difference between eight dancers and six? The stage looks empty. Where is everyone? That said, I think we have the right final three. Maybe Gev should have been there, too, I don't know. Joshua winks before his solo and my stomach flips over. He's going to win!

Cat is wearing silver, per usual. I like the flippy hair. Not crazy about the dress.

No time for the usual introductory blather from the judges. Adam Shankman is our guest judge, which is surprising and not encouraging.

Mark/Courtney. This is pretty good, although it makes me nervous because Mark is super-femme-y and I keep expecting someone -- Nigel -- to draw attention to it. Shankman is surprisingly brief. But, as if to make up for that, Mary is unusually incoherent, almost Paula-Abdul-like, in fact. What am I saying? Mary can never even at her worst approach Paula. But the shouting is starting to make me very tired. OK. We're safe -- no limp wrist talk from Uncle Nigel.

Chelsie. Pussycat Dolls. Uh-oh. Is this smart, Chelsie? Does your audience want to think of you as a Pussycat Doll? Chelsie! You are not a whore!

Twitch. Midnight Star. Gold teeth, glasses. I feel like the take-away from Will's ouster was that America does not like gimmicks, and this routine . . . is nothing but gimmicks. OK, some good moves, but this is 90% bullshit and 10% mugging. But. I'm a sucker . . . for Cat. Her post-routine bits with the glasses and teeth make me laugh out loud.

Joshua/Katee. Another weepy contemporary piece. It's technically flawless, but super-boring -- and I usually like the lachrymose shit. The judges like it, I think. Shankman for some reason just rambles about himself for about 15 minutes and I have to wander away.

Chelsie/Twitch. Wow. No one wants to say it, but I will: Twitch just shat the bed. The judges fall all over themselves trying not to criticize him. Oh wait. No, actually, Nigel says it, pretty much. Is it just me or is Twitch in serious trouble?

Katee. Worst musical taste of the top 20? Hi, Katee! This routine sucks. Am I wrong? She doesn't show us anything in this routine.

Joshua. Memphis Bleek. This took maybe a little too long to get started and the best stuff was after the music had stopped. There was also a lot of just walking around between moves. But does it matter?

Mark/Courtney. It's a Sonya routine. I'm going to vomit from the anticipation. Huh. Good piece for these two (especially Mark), although it didn't speak to me as much as Sonya's others have. Of course the judges -- not Shankman, to his credit -- freak out about what a head case Sonya is. Whatever.

Joshua/Katee. I think I just had a seizure. Shankman makes a veiled reference to the presidential campaign. Right? Then Mary, predictably, shrieks herself hoarse, again. Nigel pretends he's going to criticize Joshua but instead says what I'm thinking, which is that Joshua has thrown the entire enterprise off balance with his awesomeness. Mary shrieks again. I want to rescind my seizure complaint now, because I've got a real problem: I think that prolonged exposure to Mary's voice is giving me deep tissue bruises -- everywhere.

Courtney. Elisa -- whoever the Hell that is. This looks like the same thing she's danced every week for as long as I can remember. But it might be enough.

Mark. It's a good performance, and a smart one, which is to say that he whips his shirt off.

Twitch/Chelsie. This is maybe the funniest routine we've ever seen. This is great. Somehow, though, for Shankman, it's all about his own film career. I give up. Mary seems to be saying goodbye to Twitch. Interesting.

Out: Oh, God. I can't tell. Twitch and Courtney? Joshua and Chelsie aren't going anywhere, but of the other four, I think any of them could be eliminated. This is crazy -- just let all six compete in the final.