Saturday, May 29, 2010

Listen up, men. Knowing how to communicate with women is critical for maintaining a great relationship.

Women love and need to be listened to, REALLY listened to, and need to have their feelings acknowledged. Yes, yes, I can see you rolling your eyes, but it’s true. We would be sooooo much happier if the men in our lives would practice some good talking and listening skills.

To be fair, women could also practice being better listeners (we probably have the talking part down!), and we’re willing to work on it. There are a few really basic rules of communication that apply to men and women alike. Both sides have to be committed to changing lousy communication habits. What do I mean by good communication? Glad you asked…

The following suggestions are based on my experience with the book "Getting the Love You Want," by Harville Hendrix, which explains in detail the principles of good communication.

How to be a GREAT communicator:

Knowing how to communicate well means being a good listener. This is easier said than done. Most people (notice I say people and not just men) are poor listeners. Much of the time we do things like judge what the other person is saying, rehearse what we are going to say while the other person is still talking, change the subject or make a joke about it, interrupt before the other person finishes, or give advice the second the other person stops talking. There are other ways we don’t listen to each other but you get the idea.

Look at your partner when she is talking to you (unless you’re driving on the freeway), turn off the TV or radio, take off your head phones, stop whatever it is you’re doing and give her your full attention. If it’s truly a bad time for you to discuss an issue, then agree on the soonest possible time that’s convenient for both of you. Both sides have to be willing and/or able to communicate at that moment.

Paraphrase what your partner has just said to you. This may seem tedious and artificial but it is amazing how we think the other understands what we just said when in fact s/he didn’t. Paraphrasing forces everyone to be on the same page and helps you suspend your judgments and strong feelings for the moment. And it feels good to know that your partner really ‘gets’ what you just said. (Not necessarily agrees with what you just said but we’re coming to that soon…)

You can start by saying something like, “So what you’re saying is…” or “So you think that…” When you’re paraphrasing, you may need to ask your partner to clarify what she is saying. You may need to go back and forth with questions until she is satisfied that her message has been heard. There’s no room for blaming or belittling here. And you don’t need to try to solve any problems at this point either. You’re just trying to get the facts straight, like a reporter. Knowing how to communicate also means knowing the right questions to ask.

Once your partner is satisfied that you understand exactly what she said, then it’s time to give her some empathy and validation. Whether you agree with her or not, she is entitled to her thoughts and feelings (and you are too!) and a simple statement like, “I can see how you would feel that way,” or “I don’t blame you for feeling that way,” will make her feel like you care about her feelings. Only after you’ve taken the important steps of paraphrasing and empathizing can you progress to the next step: communicating your feedback.

Now is your chance to tell her what you think of what she has just said. If you disagree with her, calmly state your reasons. You can still respect what she says/thinks, even if you disagree. We are all entitled to our opinions. And when everyone feels heard and understood, it’s so much easier to try to communicate and solve problems than when everyone is up in arms and worked up because a disagreement escalated to a fight.

If you stop to think about it, it’s amazing how bad we are at listening to each other. We’re usually so focused on getting our message across that we don’t stop to think about how we’re doing as receivers. Becoming a good listener takes a lot of practice. Hardly any of us were taught good communication skills when we were kids, but it’s absolutely ESSENTIAL if you want to have the best relationship possible.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Wonderful and miracle things happen when we ourselves allow them to get into our personal life. We can name it as a problem or not. Maybe we can name it as the answer for our life puzzle. But at the end, we ourselves are the key of our own life. To be a better person, to be a great person or to be what we want to be is a choice. Choice sometimes can be cruel and need sacrifice but always at the end we ourselves name it as good or bad things that happen to our life. Of course this will lead to bad or wonderful feeling and although those feelings seem unexpected, childish or outrageous, but they are so true and pure. Love, hatred, bizarre, wonderful, and curious and worry are some of the feelings we always feel in our life but always love is better. So please choose love. Love yourself first then love others. But please don’t ‘love yourself’ that lead you to be a selfish person. But choose to ‘love yourself’ that lead to be a hero for others. Or should we say love is like a butterfly. It goes where it pleases and it pleases where it goes.

Dear my Mum and all Mums out there, these poems are dedicated to all of you. Thanks for being such a great mother. Bravo!

Super Mom

Mom, you're a wonderful mother,So gentle, yet so strong.The many ways you show you careAlways make me feel I belong.

You're patient when I'm foolish;You give guidance when I ask;It seems you can do most anything;You're the master of every task.

You're a dependable source of comfort;You're my cushion when I fall.You help in times of trouble;You support me whenever I call.

I love you more than you know;You have my total respect.If I had my choice of mothers,You'd be the one I'd select!

By Joanna Fuchs

Everything Mom

How did you find the energy, MomTo do all the things you did,To be teacher, nurse and counselorTo me, when I was a kid.

How did you do it all, Mom,Be a chauffeur, cook and friend,Yet find time to be a playmate,I just can’t comprehend.

I see now it was love, MomThat made you come whenever I'd call,Your inexhaustible love, MomAnd I thank you for it all.

By Joanna Fuchs

Without You

Mom, without you, there would be no me.Your love, your attention, your guidance,have made me who I am.Without you, I would be lost,wandering aimlessly,without direction or purpose.You showed me the wayto serve, to accomplish, to persevere.Without you, there would be an empty spaceI could never fill, no matter how I tried.Instead, because of you,I have joy, contentment, satisfaction and peace.Thank you, mom.I have always loved youand I always will.