An engineer, a priest and a surgeon are playing golf one day, but they keep getting held up by a slow group ahead of them. Frustrated, they ask their caddie what's the problem with the slow group. The caddie explains, "Those are firefighters who lost their eyesight while saving orphans from a fire!".

Feeling chagrinned about his impatience, the priest says, "Oh, that's terrible, I'll pray for them." Not to be out done, the surgeon chimes in "I'll donate some time and see if we can repair their eyes."

Then, the engineer asks:"If they're blind, why can't they play at night?"

Optimist = The glass is half fullPessimist = The glass is half emptyEngineer = The glass is too big

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist."I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the balloonist. "Everything you told be was technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a Manager"

"I am", replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met but now it is somehowmy fault."

/Not an engineer, even if my job title says so//Stupid BLS job descriptions

Oznog:We must enact legislation to BAN these "gender effects" immediately!

Clearly we're going to need to reduce the capacity of some forms of higher learning. And we'll base it off what they look like, not a factor that has anything to do with the actual issues at hand! Brilliant!

I was just thinking about the fact if a child jumps off of something and gets hurt, a mother who walks up and says "I already explained this is why you should not do this. You will get hurt. Now we need to wash off your scrapes," is seen as uncaring and a mother who goes "Oh my poor little sweetie! It's okay, I'll kiss it better! Don't cry!" is normal. If the child was told about 20 times not to jump off as it will result in injury, I don't feel they are a poor little sweetie.

An engineer, a priest and a surgeon are playing golf one day, but they keep getting held up by a slow group ahead of them. Frustrated, they ask their caddie what's the problem with the slow group. The caddie explains, "Those are firefighters who lost their eyesight while saving orphans from a fire!".

Feeling chagrinned about his impatience, the priest says, "Oh, that's terrible, I'll pray for them." Not to be out done, the surgeon chimes in "I'll donate some time and see if we can repair their eyes."

Then, the engineer asks:"If they're blind, why can't they play at night?"

Yeah...love that one.

Three friends were reminiscing about their love-lives, and whether it was better to have a wife, or a lover.

The first, a lawyer, expressed his love and appreciation for his wife. "She is the mother of my children, and we have made a fine place for ourselves as cornerstones of our community. I couldn't be where I am in life without her."

The second, an artist, insisted that his mistresses were preferable. "They keep me young, and vital. They are my muses, and my inspiration. My art would be much the poorer without my mistresses."

The third, an engineer simply said this. "I have both."

His two friends looked incredulously at him. "Why would you do that? What reason could you have for insisting on both?"

"Well, each one naturally assumes that I am with the other, which leaves me free to go to the lab and get some real work done."

In the old days, if anything went wrong during an execution, it was taken as an omen that the accused was truly innocent, and he would be set free. And so it was that one day, a surgeon, a banker, and an engineer were brought to the town square to be guillotined.

The surgeon is led to the platform and strapped into the guillotine, and the switch is thrown... and the blade stops an inch from his neck. Taken aback by this clear sign from above, the executioner lets him go. Then the banker is led to the platform and strapped into the guillotine, and the switch is thrown... and the blade stops an inch from his neck. The executioner is weeping at this double miracle he has witnessed, but lets the banker go. Then the engineer is led from to the platform and strapped into the guillotine, and he cranes his neck around and says to the executioner "Hey, I think I see where the problem is..."

As a structural engineer I can confirm that engineers are not cold and dead inside, it's that the control group of non-engineers you are comparing us to is comprised of emotionally unstable people. Also, we are not impressed with you ability to count to potato.

As another mechanical engineer I'm wondering what you are basing your measurement on? 100% alive, or 0% alive? I'm also refuting any numbers about 30%, because I'm that ambiguously pragmatic guy in your meeting.

FTA: We're aware that we also have many readers in the physics-based professions, but we needn't worry about them as they obviously won't care what anyone thinks of them or be able to see why they should.

Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I obviously don't care what anybody thinks of me, nor can I fanthom why they should expect me to be warm and caring. But I do have to concur with the central thesis of this article that engineers are cold and dead inside. Otherwise, life would be meaningless and devoid of purpose.

Wally: I'd be outraged but I'm too cold and dead inside. If you want warmth, make another pot of coffee. I'll have some.

Alice: Here comes the fist of death!

Dilbert: If computer programmers are warm and caring, who writes all the software? Evil trolls from accounting?

As a literature grad I see no point to trouble myself with the certitudes of mathematics and physics. It has no more interest to me than how a car engine works, which is to say, I know in a general sort of way how a car engine works. I just don't give a damn. Make it work.

I create worlds from the top down and leave the nitty-gritty to mechanics, like cosmologists, physicists, chemists, biologists, mathematicians and engineers.

This is not to say that I don't take an interest and read about physics. You have to get the details right some times or nit-pickers will get bogged down in continuity errors and other BS, instead of admiring my wit, humour and art.

To those who say that we are living in a computer simulation I say: so? Does that change the rules?

And seriously, who writes this crap? It's buggier than a Kafka-themed costume party.

slapmastered:What is this "almost like?" I actually DO take "that can't be done" as a direct challenge. Ask my wife how long I'll bang my head against a problem.

/Until it submits.//I've met brick walls with less determination.

My 96 Volvo keeps me perpetually busy with new and interesting problems. Last weekend, I had to take apart the door lock mechanism to see why it wasn't working. I had it all laid out on the kitchen table for about 5 hours, just banging my head trying to figure it out, until all of a sudden I got it. It was a glorious breakthrough. I went running into the other room to show my wife how, look, the door is locked, now it's unlocked, now it's open, and here it is closed again. She was somewhat less enthusiastic about it than I was.

sxacho:slapmastered: What is this "almost like?" I actually DO take "that can't be done" as a direct challenge. Ask my wife how long I'll bang my head against a problem.

/Until it submits.//I've met brick walls with less determination.

My 96 Volvo keeps me perpetually busy with new and interesting problems. Last weekend, I had to take apart the door lock mechanism to see why it wasn't working. I had it all laid out on the kitchen table for about 5 hours, just banging my head trying to figure it out, until all of a sudden I got it. It was a glorious breakthrough. I went running into the other room to show my wife how, look, the door is locked, now it's unlocked, now it's open, and here it is closed again. She was somewhat less enthusiastic about it than I was.

Oh dear God...I've done that very thing to my wife...not with a '96 Volvo...but still, you know what I mean. Those "Eureka!" moments are what I live for.

/I'm a tinker at heart...now if only I could find a way to monetize it in the modern era of consumption and disposal...

I went to liberal arts college where about one third of the students were engineers. They are not cold and dead inside. They are high-functioning autistics, nerds and geeks. Yes, they have the social skills of a steel wool tampon, but some of them are quite emotional little bunnies when you poke them with a sharp stick.

As a general rule, an engineer who is happy is a born engineer, fit for nothing else. They may fondly think that they are rational human beings (in fact, most of these types are fascists or communists and about as rational as a fur tea cup) and they may confuse engineering with science (in the same way idiots confuse book-keeping with merchant banking) but they are not so much dead inside as psychopathic.

Then you have the sad sacks who went into engineering because their parents expected it or because the money is good or what not. Not happy people. Bored, miserable people, in fact. They hate their jobs and would gladly quit to be anything.

Finally, you have the smarter sort of engineers. They take English literature courses once they graduate and have jobs because they would like to have been English majors instead of engineers, or because they realize something is missing that leaves them cold and empty inside, or simply because they realize that engineers can't communicate their way around a cardboard box. This class of engineers frequently graduate to management positions where they manage engineers and even real people.

These engineers should have been lawyers, because in their hearts they would sooner be novelists.

All lawyers think they have a novel in them, or at the very least, a collection of legal wit, humour and anecdotae. Some of them are right. Given enough time, some of them even become successful novelists and give up the law. They are particularly good at mystery novels, but some of the great authors have been part-time lawyers (and sometimes even successful lawyers). Being a lawyer is sometimes the price you have to pay for your sins. Most legal wit, humour and anecdotae are very dull and make you wonder what was supposed to be the point of the anecdote.

FunkOut:Could be. Every time I've had a British doctor at the ER or emergency clinic, they're all friendly, laid back, and talk to patients as though the patient is a fellow human and not some peasant who is too stupid to possibly understand the details of their condition. The one guy would even phone people up at home with their lab/scan results as soon as they came in.

From what I hear med school in Europe is vastly different than the US. It's easier to get in to med school in Europe, but graduation rates are much lower, meaning they're weeding out potential doctors who can't cut the human side of things or who can't diagnose patients correctly. In the US med school graduation rates are astoundingly high. Likely 1/3 of them should wash out because they've got the bedside manor of a snake or their functional reasoning skills are bad.

ProfessorOhki : This is so true. I use three calculators from different manufacturers, then verify the results in Excel. Finally my intern confirms that both our eyes are reading the same numbers, before I commit to an answer. After that I round to the nearest round number, because you know... I'm an engineer, not a goddamn scientist.

TRUST NOTHING

Windows 7 calculator won't even let that get input as a valid expression, lol.

lordargent:ProfessorOhki : This is so true. I use three calculators from different manufacturers, then verify the results in Excel. Finally my intern confirms that both our eyes are reading the same numbers, before I commit to an answer. After that I round to the nearest round number, because you know... I'm an engineer, not a goddamn scientist.

TRUST NOTHING

Windows 7 calculator won't even let that get input as a valid expression, lol.

brantgoose:Finally, you have the smarter sort of engineers. They take English literature courses once they graduate and have jobs because they would like to have been English majors instead of engineers, or because they realize something is missing that leaves them cold and empty inside, or simply because they realize that engineers can't communicate their way around a cardboard box. This class of engineers frequently graduate to management positions where they manage engineers and even real people.

FWIW, some tech companies are realizing that promoting good engineers into managers is a terribly idea. The average engineer is not a good manager. These companies are providing career paths for people (like me) who are good at engineering and realize that they would be horrible managers.

That is one of the first engineering jokes I ever heard. Wanna hear my favorite? ...too bad.

An engineer was talking to his buddy one day about a strange event that had happened to him.

"Man, it was bizarre. This amazingly beautiful woman rode up to me on a bicycle, threw it on the ground, tore off all her clothes and told me, 'Take what you want.' "

"So that's where you got that snazzy new bike from. Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

Another great one:

Three engineering students were debating the existence and nature of the Almighty.

The first student, an electrical engineering major, argued that God must be an electrical engineer. "Just look at the human nervous system. The circuitry and neural pathways are astounding in their complexity and detail."

The second student, a mechanical engineering major, insisted that God was, in fact, a mechanical engineer. "Look at the human musculoskeletal system. Joints, loadbearing members, muscles pushing and pulling in perfect synchronization. It's poetry in motion."

The third student simply shook his head at the other two. "God is a Civil Engineer. Period."

"How do you know?" the pair asked.

"Who else would route a waste disposal pipeline through a recreational area?"

/Tip your veal, try the waitress.//Mechanical Engineer, happily married.///Still sometimes question my own sanity...I do think that engineers have a lower-than-average empathy score...we are just not people-person's by nature.//Don't think that makes me "dead inside..."/Unnecessary slashie to complete the pattern!

A priest, a surgeon, and an engineer were playing golf one day.

The foursome ahead of them was having all sorts of problems. Couldn't hit the ball, couldn't find the ball, hit the ball in the wrong direction, drove their cart into a sandtrap, ..... They also were loud and obnoxious when the threesome asked to play through.

The three called the marshal over to complain about the foursome and to get his help in getting the foursome to let them play through.

The marshal came over to see what the problem was. "Oh them," he said, "that is a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight putting out a fire in our clubhouse last year, so we just let them play for free whenever they want."

The Priest said, "I am really touched by your compassion and their heroism. I am going to ask my congregation to pray for a miracle, so that someday they can regain their vision."

The Surgeon said, I am touched to, while I don't do eye surgery myself, I have a couple friends that do. I will ask them if there is anything my friends can do to help."

The Engineer turned to the Marshall and said, "Why don't they just play at night?"

My father is an engineer and one of the nicest men I have ever met. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's because he has run through a series of DOE's on us and determined that general kindness is the best path.

cgraves67:SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Med students "bursting with love"??? My ass. Doctors are some of the most socially whacked, cold hearted dbags on the planet. Unless that's just here in the US.

I remember reading somewhere that medical doctors had the highest rate of sado-masochistic sexual proclivities of any profession, and significantly higher than the general population. Even more than dentists.

Double THIS

The most amotional, compassionless woman I ever made the mistake of entering into a (brief) relationship with was a medical doctor (and medical masseuse which led me into my mistake to begin with). Her favorite past-times were guzzling mulled wine... and watching her dog tear apart small animals.

cgraves67:meat0918: I am sure it has been said already, but most of the engineers I know would rate a "high functioning autism/Aspberger's". I'm sure I could self diagnose that myself as well, but I don't.

//Fear of social interaction (i.e. extreme shyness around new people) is completely different neurosis, isn't it?

Schizoid personality disorder?

No, I want the relationships, and I do well once I'm comfortable (or have a few beers in me), but the anxiety leading up to that point can be overwhelming.

I hear Xanax helps, but given the choice between those side effect and alcohol's, I'll take the alcohol.

That is one of the first engineering jokes I ever heard. Wanna hear my favorite? ...too bad.

An engineer was talking to his buddy one day about a strange event that had happened to him.

"Man, it was bizarre. This amazingly beautiful woman rode up to me on a bicycle, threw it on the ground, tore off all her clothes and told me, 'Take what you want.' "

"So that's where you got that snazzy new bike from. Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

Another great one:

Three engineering students were debating the existence and nature of the Almighty.

The first student, an electrical engineering major, argued that God must be an electrical engineer. "Just look at the human nervous system. The circuitry and neural pathways are astounding in their complexity and detail."

The second student, a mechanical engineering major, insisted that God was, in fact, a mechanical engineer. "Look at the human musculoskeletal system. Joints, loadbearing members, muscles pushing and pulling in perfect synchronization. It's poetry in motion."

The third student simply shook his head at the other two. "God is a Civil Engineer. Period."

"How do you know?" the pair asked.

"Who else would route a waste disposal pipeline through a recreational area?"

/Tip your veal, try the waitress.//Mechanical Engineer, happily married.///Still sometimes question my own sanity...I do think that engineers have a lower-than-average empathy score...we are just not people-person's by nature.//Don't think that makes me "dead inside..."/Unnecessary slashie to complete the pattern!

A priest, a surgeon, and an engineer were playing golf one day.

The foursome ahead of them was having all sorts of problems. Couldn't hit the ball, ...

Crap, should have read to the end of the comments before posting, sorry for the repeat

No, no, no, no. That type of engineer's just a little schizoid, that's all, living a little too much inside his own head, maybe with a little of that overweening hubris inexperienced Engineers sometimes develop that comes from knowing you're really good at solving problems but not having had an embarrassing failure quite yet.

Engineering is about problem solving, and that takes logic and the aptitude to assemble information and get rid of the extraneous crap. This would explain my intolerance toward stupid people, because they can't do this.