Sports

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.

NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week.

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull up lame, CBS revealed Sunday that Dan Fouts would miss the remainder of the regular season after blowing out his larynx on a routine anecdote.

CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul Winslow must have thought that it was enough to wear a Chicago Blackhawks jersey to a Chicago Cubs game.

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon.

The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy

The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard asphalt, killing six. Tragic though it is, the NHL is no stranger to sadness. Here are a few of the notable calamities to befall this struggling league:

1898 - A league-wide outbreak of rubella is traced back to the Montreal Victorias decision to store the Stanley Cup in the moldering abandoned debtors prison they were squatting in at the time

1926 - The Rangers and Bruins are simultaneously killed when a fire rips through the unventilated workspace where they are forced to sew their own uniforms

1967 - Legend Gordie Howe trampled to death by a horse he was trying to kill and eat

1982 - Though no cause of death was found, it is presumed that the five Islanders found dead in a Long Island outreach center just gave up

1986 - Unable to pay for air conditioning, the seven Flyers and five Bruins drown once the ice melts

1990 - Wayne Gretzky is stabbed in the side after trying to steal a crust of bread off the plate of a notorious biker gang leader

2003 - The first year every single player in the NHL was officially diagnosed with syphilis

2008 - 15 Canucks are shot and killed for trying to escape their mandatory enclosure

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SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

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SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.