Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Hitting the Anger Stage

I think I've finally hit the anger stage.

I love Blake, but I kind of hate him right now.

Anytime I've been angry about Blake or his death before, it has only been because I was mad he never told me he was using because I would have done everything in my power to help him. That wasn't anger. What I feel now is anger.

Late last night I finally (for the first time since he died) looked up the symptoms of heroin use and the effects of abuse. Maybe I already knew these things on some level, but reading them all officially like that on a medical website was terrifying.

I always thought that since Blake never stole from me that he must have respected me too much to let his drug use directly effect me or our relationship. That's actually ridiculous that I thought that.

What about all of the times he drove me?
We could have easily crashed and gotten seriously injured or I could've died.

Did he ever share needles?
There are so many things he could have contracted...

What about when he was carrying drugs?
I could have been arrested for just being in the same car as him.

How could he continually put my life in danger like that? I know he had a disease and was sick and all of that, but what about me? What did I ever do to deserve having my life jeopardized on a daily basis without me even knowing? I feel like a complete idiot.

I went downstairs, woke my parents up, and got into bed with them. I started crying so hard it hurt.

I really hope that this anger phase passes soon because the majority of my progress depends on me being able forgive him and be at peace with what happened. After realizing all of those things he did to put my life at risk, I don't forgive him.