Subscribe To

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Team Of The Season

A season
filled with riveting twists and enthralling turns- the 2011-12 Barclays Premier
League has thrown up many a delightful game and many a star performance. Some
of the “star performers” apparently played football as well, I’ve been told. In
a season more notorious than ever before for the vastly important diving issue
(and the far less important racism issue) and for refereeing decisions so
blatantly confusing that even Chris Nolan would struggle to understand them,
there were some players who really stood out (and for their football) and these
lucky gents have made my team of the season. The official ceremony is on the 18th
of May in my living room, where each of them (or their posters if unable to
attend) will be presented with a plastic gold star. I am pleased to announce
that I have already upstaged the Balon D’or.

Picking a
team of the season is a tricky issue because you inevitably end up leaving a
worthy candidate out and suddenly he’s the best player in that category in the
comments section. “HOW can you not have Frank Lampard?! He’s the best EVER
CM!!” “You left out Martin Skrtel?! ARE YOU MAD?!!!” The multiple exclamation
points are intended to add emphasis but ironically end up diminishing any
respect anyone had for your vocabulary. So this paragraph (though seemingly
redundant) is insurance for my sanity in not having to read such bunkum. If you
have an opinion (I can tell you already do) communicate it appropriately if you
want me to read it before I completely ignore it. Your co-operation is
appreciated.

Goal-keeper: Tim Krul (Newcastle
United)

The Magpies
have had an outstanding season (irrespective of where they finish) and Tim Krul
is one of three Newcastle players who make my team of the season. The Dutch
shot-stopper narrowly tipped Swansea’s Michel Vorm and Man City’s golden-glove
favourite Joe Hart. Krul has been more consistent than Michel Vorm and on an
average has had a harder task than Joe Hart, given the defence in front of
Hart. Perhaps most pertinently though, he has fabulous hair and you can’t put a
number on that.

Left Back: Leighton Baines (Everton)

From taking
free-kicks and penalties, to supplying crosses for Fellaini and now Jelavic,
Everton’s supply line on the left hand side for many months this season has
been Leighton Baines. He’s currently injured but still for me narrowly pips out
close contenders Alexander Kolarov, Benoit Assou-Ekotto and Jose Enrique
because he is a better defender than all three of those players put together. England,
though, will still pick Ashley Cole above Baines. Poor lad, I’m sure most
people by now have forgotten Baines is English.

Centre-Back: Fabricio Coloccini
(Newcastle United):

Another
Magpie who has been immense this season. And another Magpie with spectacular hair.
Coloccini’s sublime form, inspirational leadership and magnificent hair have
propelled him into the team ahead of Laurent Koscielny, Jonny Evans (I didn’t
even know he could defend till this season) and Martin Skrtel (though admittedly
his name is by far the finest).

Centre-Back: Vincent Kompany
(Manchester City):

Captain and
defensive stalwart of one of the best teams this season (arguably the best),
the difference has been visibly transparent (much like the rest of the City
defence) when he hasn’t been involved. Easily one of the most obvious
inclusions, though devoid of spectacular hair.

Right-Back: Kyle Walker (Tottenham
Hotspur):

This was a
hard decision to make. Micah Richards and Kyle Walker have both been rampaging
down the right flank all season- and both have no hair. But the difference
comes out when we compare the number of games played. Walker has played more
games than Richards owing to the latter’s injury earlier this year which meant
Pablo Zabaleta would take over the role pretty much till the end of the season.
And Walker, rather contrarily to his name, sprinted up and down the flank for
the England under-21s as well (though not to much avail). And he’s scored two
of the best Spurs goals this season (Arsenal and Blackburn).

Left-midfield: Gareth Bale (Tottenham
Hotspur):

Bale is not
one of my favourite players in this league to be honest because he’s about as
reliable on the pitch as Mario Balotelli is off it. But his performances this
season have (on an average) been better and more evenly spread out than the
last. Wingers who miss out are Nani and Ashley Young. They should be used to it
though, considering Park-Ji-Sung gets picked above them for all the big games
anyway.

Central-midfield: David Silva
(Manchester City):

Another
obvious inclusion after a fantastic season. Silva’s passing, movement and
vision have been vital this season for City, even though he has been on a bit
of a slide recently. For me he’s still their most dangerous mid-field player
and should also (rightfully) earn his place in the Spanish national team-
sometimes also known as FC Barcelona.

This was an
extremely difficult one again and one that is sure to draw a lot of the
exclamation-filled, emotion-laden, grammar-deprived admonishment I had referred
to earlier. I will justify, though you can feel free to comment nonetheless.
Who misses out? Big names are Paul Scholes and Mikel Arteta. Truth-be-told they
could just as easily be in this team so if that’s your point I sympathize. Don’t
exclaim!!! In Arteta’s case, he is bound
to score more goals than the others given the way Arsenal play. And it cannot
be denied that his all-round game is benefiting from having the likes of
Rosicky and RVP around him. Cabaye, though, has played more games than Arteta and
scored some scorching goals this season. And he came into the Premier League
into a side that most had labeled mid-table to bottom-table. For me, Paul
Scholes is the best central mid-fielder to have played in the league in the last
20 years (Oh no! Gerrard and Lampard ignored? ARE YOU MAD?!!!) but he has played
only half-a-season and with better players than Cabaye has had around him. And
Joe Allen, well, he’s the Xavi of “Swanselona”. Under-rated and ignored by the
PFA, he gets his deserved plaudits in my team.

Right-midfield: Luis Antonio Valencia
(Manchester United):

Again a
tough one and to be honest I wanted to include Daniel Sturridge here as well.
The difference though, is that in a right-winger I look for pace, strength and
crossing ability, all of which Valencia has. I also look for intelligence (so
Walcott misses out), and the occasional goal. Although Sturridge has scored a
lot of goals (11 to be exact), his assist tally (4) is significantly lower than
Valencia’s (15). Valencia’s absence was especially noticeable in a recent first
half at the Etihad where United looked about as threatening in attack as I do
in my Bruce Lee night-wear (mail me if you want pictures).

Arguably the
two best players in the league this season- so once again, obvious inclusions.
Aguero, Dempsey and Ba miss out. Shockingly so do Bendtner and Heskey.

That then is
my team of the season. This team would win the Champions League but for the
fact that I have no money left now for any manager other than Steve Kean. So
we’re currently in 19th place and Steve’s assuring me that “luck
will change” and “chances will be taken”. And also that the “fans will stop
mauling me”. So I’m just going to mosey on, pick up my tub of fried chicken and
watch the IPL.