Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed Dumb Couple Damage Control

Unattractive smart people are many times more self-aware than attractive dumb people. The former realize they need to go to school, achieve, and own a foreign car if they want to get laid. The latter seem compelled to write lots of things for public consumption, despite all the more intelligent people in their circle subtly encouraging them to let it go.

Last week sexy vampires Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed took heat for a podcast interview where Somerhalder told a merry story about flushing his wife’s birth control pills down the toilet without her consent when he though it time to make babies. Reed giggled mostly. You suspect there’s a ton of giggling in this household.

Feminist bloggers which is now tantamount to hardcore activists jumped on Somerhalder and Reed both for laughing off “reproductive coercion”. That’s apparently a real thing. Though largely in nations feminists refuse to criticize for fear of appearing culturally insensitive. It’s unclear how many Western men are forcing their ladies to conceive. The record low birth rates would indicate, not that many. Twitter isn’t always rife with facts and figures.

Oh and next time you try to stand up for women by writing an article “about women’s rights,” try properly conveying the way I felt. It’s a shame that this was your way in. You have a platform, write about things that matter by using truthful stories, not gossip. Thanks and goodbye.

At some point, Somerhalder and Reed’s cooler heads got to them and urged them to release a joint statement, more fake heartfelt, and naturally, addressing the more than real issue of reproductive coercion. That old blight:

To anyone who has been affected by reproductive coercion, we are deeply sorry. That is an extremely serious issue, and women’s rights is something that is incredible important to both of us. It is something we’ve been very vocal about, and something that is very close to our hearts.

The couple agreed that it was okay that they suffered the slings and arrows so long as it shed a light on this super important topic. That topic affecting absolutely nobody they know. Or you know. Or anybody knows.

This story feels like it’s been through all the stages of modern celebrity gotcha. The meaningless virtue signaling at the end is a nice cap. Return now to checking in on your offspring. Prepare the future fake “she loves coding” quotes and get her into modeling early.