“Most of the world? If you were accounting for most poverty-stricken pockets of the world, there wouldn’t be a second floor to worry about nor a need to vacuum the first floor given it’s probably made of dirt or cement.”

“So you should feel fortunate that you were given two vacuums.”

“You didn’t give me two vacuums. The upstairs vacuum was left behind by the previous owners of this house. And only the hose works, which means I have to scoot around on my hands and knees, running a hose with the circumference of a mandarin over every inch of the floor, like one of those weirdos on the beach with a metal detector.”

“Sounds like you didn’t really enjoy using it anyway.”

“Enjoy using a vacuum? Nobody enjoys using a vacuum, but it is more tolerable when the vacuum actually works and can be used in a way that isn’t causing scoliosis.”

“Well, I did buy you the mother of all vacuums. You whined about getting a Dyson for over a year, so I got you one. But then you returned it.”

“You bought it for my birthday. My fucking 30th birthday.”

“I’m just pointing out that if you had kept that vacuum, you’d still have two functional vacuums.”

[Venomous glare]

“Look at the hose or you can be assured I will never look at your hose again.”

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About the Author

"Erin has one of the most unique voices in the whole wide blogosphere. She is laugh out loud, pee in your pants funny and also totally relatable. It's a rare combo that makes her a complete joy to read." - Jill Smokler, Scary Mommy