"Oh hi, human. I brought you a noodle. Just be careful, it's still alive. A little bit to the head should do it though. Also, please eat it in front of me once you've finished killing it. It would make me very happy."

You should consider keeping the snake and getting rid of the cat. They're quiet, and they only eat and poop every few weeks. You don't have to clean a litterbox, they don't scratch up the furniture, and they don't get hair all over your clothes.

I'm not sure how this is a "FML" and why people agree your life sucks. He was very proud to have caught a snake and brought it to you for recognition/pets. Do you know how terrified cats are of snakes? Terrified enough to freak out when they see a cucumber. Instead of making this all about you, give him a treat and go "nice job you brave protector of me, terrible snake could have bitten my face off!" and then give him the love and attention he so rightly deserves.