Share March 24, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

Man: ...And that's what I think about the issue.
Dilbert: Here's a Youtube video proving that everything you believe is wrong. Notice this isn't just an opinion. It is a video of the entire event you just claimed did not happen. I'm sending you a link to ten media stories debunking your version of events. Having now proved how wrong you are. Would you like to retract everything you said about it?
Man: Why can't you admit when you are wrong?
Dilbert: Because I'm not wrong!!!

Share March 20, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

CEO: I don't know enough about climate change to sound smart when people talk about it.
Boss: Try doing your own research. That's how I learned that hurricanes are caused by birds.
CEO: Write that down for me.
Boss: And did you know polar bear hate snow?

Share March 12, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

Dilbert: The headphones we make are the best in the industry.
Man: Our marketing campaign will focus on how they cure brain tumors and raise your IQ.
Dilbert: They don't do any of that.
Man: This is exactly why we don't let engineers do marketing.

Transcript

Boss: We won a government contract to measure ocean temperatures.
Dilbert: Which part of the ocean?
Boss: The whole ocean.
Dilbert: We can't put sensors everywhere in the ocean. It's too big.
Boss: We can measure a bunch of places and estimate the rest.
Dilbert: So...you want me to measure 1% of the ocean's temperature and estimate the other 99%? I don't know how to do that.
Boss: Try using math.
Dilbert: Wouldn't it be cheaper to measure nothing and just estimate the whole thing?
Boss: Every now and then you come up with a great idea.

Share March 06, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

Boss: And I've improved employee engagement by nineteen percent.
CEO: What is employee engagement?
Boss: I'm not entirely sure.
CEO: Then how do you measure it?
Boss: Honestly, I wasn't expecting a lot of questions.

Share February 25, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

Dogbert the Internet Debate Coach
Dogbert: Never give reasons for your opinions. That only gives your opponent fodder for proving you're an idiot.
Asok: Then how can I win a debate on social media?
Dogbert: No one knows. It has never been done.

Share February 01, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

Tina: How reliable are your ten-year financial projections?
Dilbert: They are as reliable as all other ten-year financial predictions.
Tina: Okay, good.
Dilbert: Why do I feel guilty every time I talk at work?

Share January 13, 2019's comic on:

Transcript

Dilbert: I'm turning off my digital devices so I can spend some time with my thoughts.
Dogbert: That sounds like a terrible idea. Do you remember what your quiet thoughts were like?
Dilbert: Not really. But how bad could it be? This isn't so bad. Just a bit boring.
Five minutes later.
Dilbert: I'm getting the shakes. The boredom has metastasized. Gaaaa!!! The boredom is overwhelming! Kill me! Kill me!
Dogbert: Maybe you should have tried being with people.
Dilbert: It was already bad enough.