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by
Hex_xagram

Ahh townies, the uncomplicated, uninteresting and wholly unneeded scum of any urban area across the face of the UK. These..."people" (sorry to all you normal people out there, I realize calling townies people is an insult to you all) are generally, in fact ALWAYS doing nothing with their life, unless of course your idea of living is hanging around outside the local corner shop, car park or McDonalds shouting abuse at anyone not wearing burberry, drinking stolen alcohol and smoking/sniffing/trying to fuck drugs.
They clad themselves in burberry, nike, adidas, umbro and avirex clothing, the males anyway. They always smell like stolen Hugo Boss aftershave, or at least the stolen, cheap, knock off market version of Hugo Boss. The males all follow an alpha male, they imitate his trends and language, in my area the words to desbribe a good looking female are "buff" or "tick" if something is good or acceptable it is "safe" and your friend is your "blood" often pronounced "blud" they will often pick on anyone with black clothing, spiky hair or baggy jeans, but will only attack in groups of 10 or more, if their "crew" isn't present (probably off stealing fake burberry, or dealing flour) they will stand at a safe range and hurl insults like "goff" "mosha" "grunga" or the ever popular "I fucked ur mum!" these insults should be shrugged off, however if you feel the need to retaliate, I recommend these:-
In response to "goff", "mosha" or "grunga" - Yes I am a <enter above instult here> and I need to know if you want me to sacrifice your soul to satan now or later.
In response to "I fucked your mum!" - My mum's dead, or if your mother is dead (sorry if I offended) and you are a male, you should respond with leave my mum out of this and I'll leave this out of your mum, and point to your crotch.
So those are the townie insults, not too good eh? To be honest baby townies are smarter and make for better conversation than their older "bloods" however they must develop into townie children, then townie teenagers.
Now, townie fashion is always the same, they try as hard as they can NOT to be an individual, they always wear baby blue, white or navy blue, they don't do black, it's too "goffick" they will always wear the following things.
Tracksuit bottoms, these make an annoying "swish swish" sound when the townies walk, these trousers will usually be tucked into white socks, which then lead to white "Reebok Classics" which are kept a blinding white colour to make people think they just stole...I uh mean...no I mean stole them. The top of the body will usually be clad in a polo shirt, usually stolen from Mr. Nickelson or Mr. McKenzie, both of whom have awful fashion sense, the head is adorned by one diamonte stud and a burberry cap, tilted at a ridiculous angle, thus making it useless when it comes to blocking sun.
Winter wear consist of dark green, navy blue or grey coats with ANNOYING UGLY FUR AROUND THE HOODS.
The females will wear zip up jackets, with one half of a random word or place on either side, these consist of Brooklyn, Princess, FCUK or New York, also under these are tanktops of such brand names as Von Dutch (the next FCUK, just you wait) or indeed the infamous FCUK, they think it's funny, because it's almost fuck, but not quite.
On the bottom they will usually wear AWFUL denim skirts, which cover about one tenth of their thighs, meaning if the townie girl farts the skirt will reveal all...not a pretty site, or they will wear tight TIGHT jeans, with words spread over their overly large rear ends, words like PRINCESS are usually displayed by sewn on sequins, when these sequins start to fall off they can leave the word "PRINCE" which can be worth a laugh.
The feet, these are now always adornes by those AWFUL, BAGGY TOPPED, FAKE SUEDE Ug boots, you know the ones, they kind of hang from halfway up the shins and look terrible, if wearing jeans the female townie will tuck her jeans into these boots, once again looking awful.
The face, female townies have no face, they have a sculpture of awful make up, built up layer after layer to disguise any uglyness, when it does in fact, the EXACT opposite, the ears will have large gold hoops, well not real gold, gold plated, but it's ok, they all fall for it anyway, they also wear awful clown pendants, a large gold chain with a large, posable "gold" clown encrusted with "jewels" I think this happened at a young age when an adventurous townie (HA!) got a toy clown, spray painted it cold and stuck sequins to it, then glued it to some string and wore it around their necks to ward off "goffs" now it's a fashion statement.
Winterwear is the same as the males, but in pink and a burberry scarf and gloves...fucking morons...
So, there's the fashion, now the culture...or rather the LACK of culture.
Townies prize physical displays of strength, mouthing off to someone from 20 yards away qualifies well, they will attack only in groups of 10 or more, they listen to RnB, Hip Hop, Rap, Garage and dance, anything with an electronic beat and bass line deep enough to cause structural damage is acceptable, this is usually played from their old cars, half rusted buckets of trash which have tribal vinyls on them or cheap rusted body kits, the townies hate anyone who isn't a fellow townie, but they are easily outsmarted, however after talking to one, one can feel slightly more stupid than before, prolonged exposure will eat your brain cells and turn you townie, avoid at all costs.
So remember kids, townies dress awful, smell awful and talk awful, they have desicrated the english language, but we do have our agents.
My best friend wears townie clothing, however he does not wear burberry, or tuck his trousers into his socks, he wears track suit bottoms and a brand name t-shirt, thanks to this the townies accept him, and this means I go generally unbothered.

"Oi ya fuckin' goffick wanka, you starting or summin?!"
"Hey, you there in the black clothing, I dont like the looks you're giving me"
"Well 'ard"
"Cool"
"Innit?!"
"Isn't it?"
"You startin'?"
"Would you like to engage me in hand to hand contact"
Remember, dont do drugs, dont smoke, drink on special occaisions and you'll be fine, if you notice yourself becoming a townie, kill yourself, it's for the good of man, thank you.