Monday, September 6, 2010

The Last Will and Testament of Noted Games Journalist Kevin Beverage

Someone's going to take games pundit Kevin Beverage seriously. Scary as it is, that's the point. Beverage is best when he's lost online, among other crude, moronic, and dishonest bits written about games. The reader who stops and thinks to himself that, although more misguided, this is a lot like other journalistic generalities he's read, is halfway there. Those who recognize satire when they read it can decide right away whether Beverage's alter ego, Rory Manion, elicits a laugh or a welp. Predictably Rory isn't proud of half he writes. As his friend, I'm biased in his favor, and besides, being unemployed, he'll gladly go where I don't dare. Unfortunately for him, though, these aren't places where major websites with massive audiences are willing to take risks.

I asked Rory for permission to post two unsuccessfully solicited Kevin Beverage articles on my blog. Here they are, unedited:

Like most gamers, the moment I heard about the tragic sinking of the Republic of Korea corvette Cheonan in the contested Yellow Sea, my heart went out to the bereaved survivors in the Blizzard financial department. I had an almost uncanny suspicion that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea—or North Korea, as we in the industry like to call it—was behind the attack. Such agitation could lead to war, and a war between North and South Korea threatens to take more lives in a week than fan death and LAN center brawls claim annually, and that can’t be good for Blizzard’s bottom line or the longevity of professional StarCraft. With that in mind, I cast a fretful gamer’s eye eastward, and think the unthinkable.

Though I’ve done no research on the topic, I think it’s safe to panic over the thought that of the 10,000-plus DPRK artillery batteries aimed at Seoul, several thousand are probably zeroed-in on any number of e-sports stadiums. And though I’m no expert on military ordinance, I also feel confident in asserting that a 150mm howitzer shell landing in the middle of a StarCraft tournament might be detrimental to even the most focused player’s clicks-per-minute. The damage done to the gaming reputations of Korea’s most famous competitors could be catastrophic. Some experts have put the potential number of Facebook friends lost by affected ‘Craft professionals in the tens of thousands, a staggering number just vague enough to inspire terror without warranting corroboration.

Should their reputations survive the shelling, the threat of compulsory military service looms large for displaced e-thletes. Or at least I’m guessing it does, I can’t really be bothered to look up the Republic of Korea’s stance on military drafting. Nevertheless, I assume that StarCraft experts will be in high demand due to their superhuman logistical prowess and micro skill. Though the possibility of losing an entire generation of ‘Craft experts to war is daunting, one can’t rule out the psyops (psychological operations) benefit to fielding a “gosu” corps of trained StarCraft strategists.

There is a silver lining to this menacing cloud of gaming despair. While the various e-sports stadiums in South Korea, being of immense strategic value, are undoubtedly targeted for immediate devastation by DPRK hardware, the numerous LAN centers scattered throughout the nation will be more difficult—if not impossible--to neutralize. The gaming idealist in me can’t help but choke up imagining the remnants of Korea’s professional StarCraft elite feverishly pounding away at hotkeys amidst the smoldering ruins of their former home cities, desperately seeking meaning for their shattered lives in the warm glow of a monitor screen. The movie rights alone ought to net a hefty sum, hopefully offsetting any financial losses from missed StarCraft 2 sales opportunities. But I’ll leave that for economists to ponder.

Reached for comment on this important man, a man whom I believe to be the Republic of Korea’s Electronic Gaming Commissioner said, through a translator: “Are you f***ing kidding me? Who is this? Don’t call this number again.”

The Last Will and Testament of Noted Games Journalist Kevin BeverageBy noted games journalist Kevin Beverage

The opinions expressed herein are rarely endorsed by anyone anywhere.

If you are reading this will, I, noted games journalist Kevin Beverage, have perished. Most likely I was done in by my years of hedonistic excess; hoisted by my own gaming petard, as they say. Maybe I suffocated in one of my several indoor ball pits, paid for by decades of hard-hitting games journalism. Or perhaps I have been found nude and supine in my subterranean gaming palace, asphyxiated by an HDMI cable. If so, please ignore the controller on my crotch, and pay no mind to the Pocket Pikachu chirping mournfully from somewhere in my colon. I died as I lived.

Throughout my storied career, nothing has filled me with more pride and intense self-satisfaction than my charitable donations to Child’s Play charity--except telling people how much I donated to Child’s Play, Twittering about the thrill I get up my spine after donating to Child’s Play, shaking my head in silent judgment of those who don’t know the good works of Child’s Play, and altruistically--publicly, usually shouting--requesting that people make Child’s Play donations in my name rather than give me gifts. It warms my heart to think that, after years of being derided as myopic sociopaths whose entire sense of self-worth is tied directly into the public perception of their chosen pastime, gamers worldwide now come together annually to hurl mud in the eye of their detractors by selflessly purchasing video games.

Because when you really think about it, if the charity you support isn’t acting as a public relations tool for your hobby, what’s the point? If I can’t use my generosity as an emotional bludgeon to savagely batter the perceived foes of my beloved gaming, why should I even bother? I could give my scads of games journalism payola to indigent youths, or auction off my Olympic-sized swimming pool full of Shrek SuperSlam promotional t-shirts for cancer research, or whatever, but anonymous individual kindness will do nothing to salt the wounds of the many foes I believe to be misrepresenting my beloved gaming community. Besides, past attempts to force Game Boy cartridges into Salvation Army collection tins have led only to savage bell-whippings, so it’s not like I haven’t tried.

And so, being of sound body and superb mind, I do hereby bequeath my gaming estate (once it has been converted from Gamestop trade-in credit to cash) to Child’s Play charity, the only charitable organization on Earth cognizant of what really matters to gamers: Netting press accolades for assuaging the boredom of hospitalized children via colossal handovers of cash to massive entertainment corporations.

87 comments:

Wow. The Child's Play one really hit it for me. I was always so damn proud whenever I saw some indie game sale pruporting to give part of the profits to Child's Pla, I never really though about it that way.

We should really be more mindful of where our charity money is going, and for what purpose. It's nice to say "I'm donating for hospitalized children" but really, we're still spending money on videogames instead of medicine or research.

We have a shit ton of money already feeding into various forms of medical research, and yes, that doesn't mean that more money is ever bad. However, sick kids are going to be depressed, and sick, bored kids? Jesus. Especially given that one's own immune system is often a crucial element to surviving a major illness, and that the immune system weakens under stress and depression, it's not unlikely that available entertainment has a statistically significant effect on survival rates.

Excessive pride and PR from charity should always be met with raised eyebrows, but that doesn't change the good the Child's Play does for any children that are hospitalized, for any reason.

Plus, it's actually a charity that doesn't feed money into the upper-class, as modern and in-development treatments are often expensive and difficult to acquire, whereas Child's Play specifically focuses on supporting children that wouldn't otherwise have access to game systems.

@LuisThey make no excuses about the fact that the money is going to entertain sick children, that's rather the point, hospitals have very little resources to entertain sick children when they're being cared for, often times for the terminally ill that is all that you can do.

On the topic of the articles though, they're quite good satire. Like all satire they let you look at issues in a more honest way through exaggeration.

Origins of the hookah come from India along the border of around 1500 Years ago. These hookahs were simple, primitive, and rugged in design, usually made from a coconut shell base and tube with a head attached. hookah

Thus, the principle established in 1826 was reversed, and restriction " to eugage in mercantile pursuits mbt trainers made the exception instead of the rule.CONTRABAND, from the Italian Contrabando, contrary to proclamation, is applied in one sense to the goods which are prohibited to be exported or imported, on the ground of theories regarding national mbt shoes clearance policy, or protection to home produce. These are embodied in the customs duties act, 3 & 4 Wm. IV. c. 52, an abridgment of which will be found under the title Customs. Contraband five finger shoes of war is applied by belligerent powers to the furnishing of arms, provisions, or other assistance 5 finger shoes to powers with which they are at war, by neutral states, or their own subjects. Like must other questions in the law of nations, it is exceedingly difficult to decide what goods mar or may not give assistance in the furtherance of hostilities, and consequentlycoach outlet store online what are or are not contraband. " Not only arms, powder, ball, and other ammunition, but also horses and furniture, pitch, tar, sails, hemp, and cordage, masts, yards, and all other necessaries for the building or equipment of ships, are generally considered as contraband" (.Marshall on Insurance, 73). The penalties where neutrals convey contraband, are somewhat arbitrary, depending often on the power of the nation that enforces them. Formerly coach bags outlet the vessel and cargo were forfeited, but in later times the penalty has generally been mitigated. It is treasonable in a subject of Britain to supply contraband to a nation with which this country is at war, and all contracts, including insurances, made here, in relation to the conveyance of contraband, whether by British subjects or neutrals, are void. CONTRACT, Or AGREEMENT, may be defined the legally expressed consent of two or more persons to give and receive some specified benefit.In England, a person nan compos cannot enter into an agreement.

nike running shoesThe Power Balance wholesale bracelet is made of pure surgical grade silicone that is extremely durable. Its stretch feature optimizes users' comfort level. It comes equipped with two, visible power balance holograms and this sporty and stylish bracelet goes with everything.

Specification:

Silicone Power Balance Wristband Bracelet The band made of 100% silicone rubber With 2 visible hologram disks for balance power,waterproof.

Handful of items compare to contentment and also companionship of a gentle, affectionate plush toy. Pillow Pets™ luxurious foldable packed animals increase accurate function compared to that comfortable as well as great experience by mixing the protection of a stuffed animal with all the performance of a pillow. Made from good quality, extremely gentle chenille, Pillow Pets™ luxurious folding packed creatures maximize treasured snuggle buddies regarding you and your loved ones.

These days, I have known a very good online store for air force one shoes.Their shoes have wonderful quality and low price, almost factory outlet. I purchased my little nephew a pair of that shoes and buy one pair of five finger shoes.These goods are awesome and the store owner did a fast delivery, just taking 5 days. You guys should try to browse through it.

When floods do occur, The North Face Sale the water, though turbid for the time, subsides rapidly and soon becomes clear again. Below Hertford, floods are liable to act injuriously, the water remaining longer on the adjoining marsh lands. Mr. Beardmore stated that heavy floodings had taken place in May 1824, in November 1852, and in October 1857, and that at such times large areas of land were, laid under water for several days. Skechers Shoes The marsh-lands on both sides of the lower Thames are not subject to such flooding, as the embankments are found to be sufficient to shut out the tides, and the primitive sewers, marsh-ditches, and tidal outlet-sluices regulate the delivery of flood waters so as to prevent injury to land. The marsh districts on both sides of the lower Lee are now subject to the double evil of flooding and droughts; during long continued dry weather the surface cracks until there are fissures several feet in depth. Flood water is passed much more rapidly down the valley of the Lee in consequence The North Face Sale of the improvements made of late years in the navigation by dredging the channels. Much, however, remains to be done which would improve the conditions of the marsh-land and the health of the people.The evidence as to the water-mills proves that in many instances the dams and ponds act injuriously by preventing land drainage and impeding floods. However useful Discount G Star Sale water-power may have been in former times, when these mills were first established, that use has now been greatly reduced in relative value, and, wherever there is sufficient trade to The North Face Sale make grinding corn a profitable occupation, steam-power has to be brought in as an auxiliary, the improved navigation and railway accommodation facilitating the delivery of coals so as to give an advantage to steam over the constantly alternating and uncertain flow of water. Water-power having diminished in commercial value, and land for agricultural purposes having greatly increased in value, injury to the adjoining lands may be shown to cause an annual money loss to the district Shape Ups Boots. To this money loss must be added injury to health by the retention of large areas of undrained land. Water-mills and mill-dams are proved to be injurious to local properties, but we have no evidence as to any serious pollutions being caused by these mills, other than so far as they cause a partial stagnation in the water and accumulations of mud by ponding.

Magnetic Beads jewelry such as bracelets, necklaces, anklets and rings are popular choices for magnetic therapy practitioners. Magnetic Bracelet offers the benefits of the healing magnets 24 hours a day, unlike other magnetic therapy products. Magnetic Earring are readily available at many online bead suppliers, so you can make your own magnetic jewelry for a fraction of retail cost. Magnetic Clasps are very strong, easy to attach, and easy to open and close. They are composed of two pieces, each with an embedded magnet. Slide your choice of Resin Beads over the open end of beading wire to the crimp bead. Natural lampwork glass beads such as hematite or magnetite are available for making lampwork jewelry. You can also find a wide assortment of man-made jewelry beads that are made using the same mineral properties as natural hematite. Fashion and fabulous feather earring are ideal for counter display and gift giving. Acrylic beads are beautiful, light weight, and very affordable. Also known as lucite beads. polymer clay beads

Have you ever made beads jewelry by yourself, it's fun, isn't it? If you also think so, then you may also like DIY jewelry blog, webeads, newfashionbox, beadset, beadinfashion are all famous beads jewelry making blog, there you will find beads informations and beading knowledge, also beading inspirations...

Bialek said Cain put his hand under Cheap Air Max her skirt and pushed her head toward his Air Max crotch after a dinner together in 1997 after she asked to meet Air Max 90 him to discuss ways he might Air Max 95 be able to help her find employment. Air Max 2011 She said he backed away after she asked him to stop. Her boyfriend at the time on Monday issued a statement release Nike Air Max Skyline by Allred confirming that she told him about the incident at the time. Allred did not release Air Max 95 Shoes the boyfriend's name

Pauly says the reason the individual mandate is front and center in this Nike Air Max debate is because opposition to it can be cast in the form of a constitutional challenge Cheap Air Max Uk, unlike other parts of the law."To some extent, I'm a little surprised that this feature [that] we thought as kind of an afterthought has become so prominent," he says. "The current individual mandate, in my view, is kind of a puny thing because the penalties are relatively small Nike Air Max Outlet .

I was working and suddenly I visits your site frequently and recommended it to me to read also. The writing style is superior and the content is relevant. Thanks for the insight you provide the readers!Signature:Jugar juegos de frozen en línea gratis, los nuevos de princesa de Disney juegos frozen - la princesa encantadora y linda. Divertirse frozen!

I really liked this part of the article, with a nice and interesting topics have helped a lot of people who do not challenge things people should know... you need more publicize this so many people who know about it are rare for people to know this, Success for you.

Exceilent blog you have here but I was curious abou tif you knew of any community forums tha t cover the same topics talked about in this article? I’d really like to be a part of online community where I can get advice from other experienced individuaIs that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Appreciate it!

Thats a good' article,i usually amazed with' this thing, i asked myself about this opinion, I wish You'll a better articles that can make another people live..don't make the article feel rigit and isn't interesting and poor,i like to read this' article and ithink this is "good".thank you' m'y brother...........

I was about to say something on this topic. But now i can see that everything on this topic is very amazing and mind blowing, so i have nothing to say here. I am just going through all the topics and being appreciated. Thanks for sharing.

I really liked this part of thtarticle. with a nice and inieresting topics have helped a lot of people who do not challenge things people should know. you need more publicize this so many people who know about it are rare for people to know this. Success for you canon Printer Driver

Thats a good' article, i usually amazed with' this thing, i asked myself about this opinion, I wish You'll a better articles that can make another people impressive..don't make the article feel rigit and isn't interesting and poor, i like to read this' article and i think this is "good".thank you' m'y brothert.

Exceilent blog you have here but I was curious abou t if you knew of any communi ty forums tha t cover the same topics talked about in this article? I’d really like to be a part of online community where I can get advice from other experienced individuaIs that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Appreciate it! canon Printer Driver

i really liked this part of the article. with a nice and interesting topics have helped a lot of people who do not challenge things people should know.. you need more publicize this so many people who know about it are rare for people to know this... success for you. canon Printer Driver

I wa s a bo ut to sa y some thi ng o n this topi c. But now i can see that e ve rything o n this to pic i s ve ry amazing and mind blo wing, so i have nothing to say he re . I am just goi ng through a ll the to pics and bei ng appre ci ate d. Tha nks fo r sha ring.

I really liked this part of the article, with a nice and interesting topics have helped a lot of people who do not challenge things people should know... you need more publicize this so many people who know about it are rare for people to know this, Success for you.softtonice | canon support | drivers and software

I wish you much fun with my comments, perhaps this blog will be a great blog someday I hope, I really liked this part of the article, with a big and interesting topic has helped a lot of people who don't oppose things that people should know, thanks a lot.

a was aboutto say something on this topic. But now i can see that everything on this topic is very amazing and mind blowing, so i have nothing to say here. I am just going through all the topics and being appreciated. thanks for sharing.

I really liked this part of the article, with a nice and interesting topics have helped a lot of people who do not challenge things people should know... you need more publicize this so many people who know about it are rare for people to know this, Success for you.softtonice | canon support | drivers and software

I was aboutto say something on this topic. But now i can see that everything on this topic is very amazing and mind blowing, so i have nothing to say here. I am just going through all the topics and being appreciated. Thanks for sharing

i wish you much fun with my comments, perhaps this blog will be a great blog someday I hope, I really liked this part of the article, with a big and interesting topic has helped a lot of people who don't opposethings that people should know, thanks a lot.

When you're tired, you want to relax after a stressful working hours, you need to have time to take care of the kids active. Please visit our website and play exciting flash games.Thanks you for sharing!Friv 4

Your blog posts are more interesting and impressive. I think there are many people like and visit it regularly, including me.I actually appreciate your own position and I will be sure to come back here. http://potty-racers2.com