Dustin: SHOWER TIME!! Shane shaves his head. For little to no reason. I wonder where we are in the timeline of the show, because last episode, when Shane left for the high school, he had all his hair.

Cut to: Shane and Otis run from zombies in the high school as Rick and Lori talk about Shane and how awesome he was back in high school when he was a common car thief. Rick is a terrible storyteller. Lori finally convinces Rick to eat a sandwich.

Timothy: Rick has lost his bloody mind, and apparently told this story 1000 times. It doesn’t actually sound like a good enough story to tell over and over, but Crazy Rick left logic and common sense last episode, and clearly hasn’t found it again.

Dustin: Carl is gonna die so horribly with these two looking after him.

Back in the RV no one is getting any sleep because Carol is crying and Andrea is trying to figure her gun out. Finally, Daryl gets sick of their drama and goes to face the night alone and perhaps be eaten by zombies rather than listen to their bellyaching.

Andrea ends up going with him. Which you can tell was exactly what Daryl wanted.

Otis and Shane somehow end up trapped on top of some bleachers in the high school gym and they try to figure out how they are going to get out of the school. Their plan is flawed at best. But is seems to work.

Timothy: Oh it’s a bad plan… This isn’t going to end well, you can tell. Would love to have Shane get munched, but with the shaving scene…

Dustin: We’ll know if we ever see Otis again. Why is Shane still shooting them in the chest? Don’t he know anything?

Timothy: Erm… because we’ve established that he’s pretty much crap?

Dustin: Shane makes a run for the window and as he’s about to drop out of it. A zombie attacks him but Shane is able to shoot him in the mouth and escape. Unfortunately, Shane ends up falling out a window and possibly breaking his fool leg.

Meanwhile, Theodore and Glenn arrive at the Green place and try to figure out how polite they should be. Maggie is there and she sees Theodore’s wound, and for a second it looks like she’s gonna shoot our poorly named homeboy, but Theodore tells her he just cut it so she invites them inside for a little southern hospitality.

Timothy: They are a trusting lot, aren’t they? “Hey! Total strangers with guns! Come on in!”

Dustin: Carl is sick in bed and everyone is super sad about it.

Hershel tells them that if Shane isn’t back soon, Carl doesn’t have much time.

Timothy: Which would be about the 50th time he’s said that. You know, it’s possible that Carl may not have much time…

Dustin: Daryl and Andrea talk about how great he is, and how he’s been a survivalist since the age of nine when he spent nine days in the woods lost. He is the only person in the world that thinks Sophia is still alive. At least someone is looking for Sophia, unlike poor little Daryl. Nobody looked for him.

Timothy: Daryl really has become, especially in light of Rick’s breakdown, the voice of sense in this show. Not sure how we ended up with the brother of a psychotic racist being the most interesting character.

Dustin: Rick and Lori have a conversation about how terrible the world has become and how Carl might be better off dead. You know I’m not someone who believes in beating women. But someone needs to give Lori a swift slap in the face. She’s the one who finally convinced the CDC guy to let everyone out, now she’s ready to let her son die. Sloppy show, sloppy.

Timothy: Well, since we have decided that every character needs monologues now, and Rick is sort of the main character, though I’m not sure he’s worth it, it’s nice to see a little life enter into them. Rick comes to life a little bit for the first time to argue that there should be hope, but can’t really come up with a good reason. Rick? Hint: Where there’s life, there’s… c’mon. Really? You don’t know this one?

Dustin: Back at the high school, Shane discovers Rupert Everett in zombie form. It’s creepy, I never noticed how much that guy looks undead before. He shoots My Bests Friend’s Wedding in the face and tries to hobble off on his sprained ankle.

Dustin: Otis arrives just in time to save the day. Shane and Otis run for safety.

Rick and Lori are so dumb. But Carl wakes up and they go to his bedside. Carl is in pain and we’re all super sad about it. Carl tells Lori about the deer, but then he has a seizure. And Lori freaks the freak out. Then it’s over and it’s time for another blood transfusion.

Timothy: Rick needs orange juice and a cookie apparently. It was interesting to see Carl decide to tell his mom about the glories of nature when he’s, you know, dying. And it’s a potentially dangerous transfusion, so c’mon, OJ and a cookie, is that too much to ask?

Dustin: Shane and Otis are tired of running, but there’s not a lot more thy can do. Somewhere along the line, Otis hurt his leg, too, so they are both hobbling around.

Timothy: And we now have a new kind of walker… Stealth Zombies! Ninja Zombies! How else to explain the dozens of them that sneak up on Shane and Otis? Really? Gahhh!Or perhaps they’ve discovered a new sound muffling chain-link fence? Nah, I like Ninja Zombies. Better than the show just trying to give us a jump scare and doing a bad job of it.

Dustin: Back at the RV, Dale wishes he had a cigarette. Carol joins him on the roof of the RV.

Timothy: Oh hey! Nice job Dale… give the one person on the show who can’t handle a gun a gun, that seems sensible.

Dustin:Daryl and Andrea are in the woods, looking for Sophia, and they come across a camp site where a zombie who tried to commit suicide, but then turned. Daryl is fascinated. Andrea is sickened to her stomach. Dale and Andrea talk about the meaning of life before Andrea convinces him to shoot the poor hung walker in the head a put it out of it’s misery.

Timothy: While it is a nice gesture, it’s also a stupid one. The one weapon they have with reusable ammo? Sure, let’s waste a crossbow bolt, why not? Oh, and a note to the effects team… the hanging rig is visible. Not just a little bit. A lot. Muchly. More than it should be. Which would be not at all.

Dustin: Still. No. Sophia. I wonder if the actress had to get, like her tonsils out or something.

Timothy: Note to self. Do not play Hide and Seek with Sophia. She is the Bestest Ever. Or the victim of Bad Writing. Your choice.

Dustin: Theodore has his arm sewn up, everyone thanks Meryl for his sleeping around. Glenn goes out to have a little pray, but Maggie interrupts him. They talk about how terrible everything in the world is. Then they talk about whether or not God exists. Maggie had some faith before the zombies, but she’s not so sure now. Then she goes inside to get Glenn more lemonade… where are they getting all these fruit juices from?

Timothy: Oh Glenn and Maggie! So close! You haven’t quite joined the Monologue Club, but it’s close… between the 2 of you only about 1:30 of screen time was burned, but neither one of you were irritating doing it, so that’s a win for everyone.Rick? Take notes.

Dustin: Dale wanders around the highway looking for… God knows what.

Rick tells the damn deer story, like we all didn’t see it 3 weeks ago. Shut up, rick, Lori watches the show, she knows already. Rick talks about all the beauty and living left to be done. Lori cries and we all try to decide if we would be better off without them.

Dustin: Shane and Otis are still running from all the zombies. Shouldn’t adrenaline be taking them through their sprained ankles and hurt feelings?

Timothy: I like how Shane more or less says, “Leave me behind I’ll only slow you down”, and Otis, having seen a movie and read a book knows that this is only the cliché talking and tells Shane “Get up and walk, you pansy.” Or words something to that effect. You know, Otis is pretty awesome. It would be a shame if something were to happen to him. ‘Cough’

Dustin: Carl needs them medical supplies! Hershel says he is out of time. (Wait, what? Carl is out of time?- TH) Rick slops his vagina all over the place and makes Lori choose whether Carl gets to have the surgery or not. Lori says do it. Hershel prepares for the surgery and Shane and Otis show up just in time!!! Everyone cries and it’s terrible.

Oh.

Otis didn’t make it.

Apparently he met his end off-screen. Rick and Shane make out and Shane weeps for the loss of Otis.

Meanwhile at the RV, Daryl and Andrea return without Sophia. Everyone is sad. Dale gives Andrea back her gun. Stop being such a creepy stalker, Dale. He asks for her forgiveness, and she says she’s trying. It’s all very… unnecessary.

Timothy: Well, again, it’s awkward courting time, with Dale admitting that he’s making Andrea’s decisions for her. C’mon Dale, at least wait until after the wedding. But I suppose we’re setting the stage for the comic’s romance between the two. Then again, the comic doesn’t have Daryl, does it? And he’s taking walks in the woods with Andrea…

Dustin: Maggie cries for dead Otis and Glenn asks her to tell him about the other dead people she has lost since the uprising. She shows him all the pictures on the fridge of the dead people.

Hershel reports that Carl will be fine. But Hershel just is worried about telling his nurse that Otis is dead. Lori goes to tend Carl, and Rick goes to comfort Peggy or whatever the nurse’s name is.

Dustin: Lori cries until there are no more tears left for the rest of us, Shane comes in and Lori tells him that he can stay with them.

Maggie brings Shane Otis’ old clothes to wear, which is a very WTF moment for me. I mean Shane and Otis have nowhere NEAR the same build. Otis has like, 15 sizes on him. But that doesn’t matter, be cause now we’re back where we started with Shane in the shower shaving his head.

We get a flashback where we discover that Shane shot Otis and left him for zombie chum so Shane could get away with the supplies.

Shane you are a right bastard.

I don’t want to be on your bad side… or apparently you good side either. The best side of Shane to be on is the… not anywhere near side.

Timothy: What’s the old joke? “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you?” It’s a pretty graphic scene, and that’s good… this kind of asshat-ery gets a good man killed, and even then, Shane messes it up, because Otis still has some of the medical equipment. So BastardShane has to go back and fight with the man he just shot, wasting time they both could have used to escape to beat Otis enough to get him to let go. And Otis’ death scene ain’t pretty folks. But at least Shane seems shaken by it and what he’s done. At least we have that.

Nope, not good enough. I think it’s time to kill off Shane before he gets everyone else killed or does the job for the zombies.

And that’s Episode 3. I think we’ve all learned an important lesson here, and I want you all to consider it until next week: Shooting deer will get you eaten by zombies. Remember that, and we’ll see you for Episode 4!

Share this:

Like this:

Related

Timothy Harvey

Timothy Harvey is a Kansas City based writer, director, actor and editor, with a passion for film noir movies. He was the art director for the horror film "American Maniacs", and serves on the board of directors for the Independent Filmmakers Coalition of Kansas City and the Kansas City Film Commission.