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Stuck in a Rut

Have you ever felt like every single day passes like a dream? You wake up, do what you have to do and then go to bed. I’m not talking about staying in bed all day absorbed in your own thoughts, but doing things that are expected of you. I feel like I’ve been running a 14 kilometre marathon for the past two years and I’m not getting anywhere. Maybe I’ve taken a wrong turn or tripped or just given up? I don’t know.

When I was younger, I had so much direction. From the age of eight I had decided that I’d be an actor, whether it be on screen or stage. I took weekly acting classes, got accepted into a teenage drama program at a nationally-recognised institute and knew I had so much to give. It wasn’t until I reached my final year of high school that I came to realise the unrealistic aspirations I’d had for the past ten years. I guess such a realisation came from my parents, too. For the many years before this day, they backed me up and were willing to do anything to help my dreams come true. Then, they suddenly got tired of it. They told me ‘it’ was never going to happen. And I had to believe them. My acting dreams will never just fade away into obscurity. The thrill I get when becoming somebody else and stepping on stage is exhilarating. I’m no longer myself. I haven’t felt that anywhere else. As hard as it is for me to dismiss these dreams of mine, I know I have to. They are simply unrealistic. I will never be in a Chekhov play on Broadway. Ha! It hurts to say things like that but it’s true.

I’ve been at university for the past four years and have been excelling. I have had some amazing work experience opportunities and met so many great people. But, I don’t know where I’m going. I’m stuck.

Yesterday, I had another realisation that was hard to take. Since giving up on my acting dreams, I thought a job in casting would be up my alley. I would embark on a career within a casting agency which would then take me to Los Angeles or New York. Fail. Ultimate Fail. My bubble of unrealistic dreams was violently popped. My mother emphasised the fact that the Australian film industry was tiny, almost minute. A career in casting was almost as unrealistic as a career in acting.

There really is no point to this post. I just felt like I had to let off some steam by putting pen to paper (metaphorically) and publishing my feelings. Everybody says that I can be the only one who can make myself happy, but I can’t. I’ve tried and failed on numerous occasions. What more can I do? I feel like giving it up. But, the thing is, my life is so miserable that there’s nothing really to give up. I try so hard in everything I do, but nothing ever becomes of it. If I could go back in time, I would change so many things. I would’ve told myself to give up on my acting dreams years and years ago. I hate being led on. I wasted half of my childhood on the fantasy that I would ‘make it’. Stupid. I just wish I had a role-model who I could look up to. I don’t know what to do. I really never have. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum and it hasn’t got me anywhere.

I apologise for my ramblings but really needed to publicise my thoughts and feelings.