He said: “When we saw the beast running an eternity and scoring a goal against Barcelona, that was so brilliant is was sinful, we decided rather tenuously that he was indeed the anti-Christ.

Helen was unavailable for comment

“We shall now dedicate our lives to smashing his backhole up inside his vessel, as it was prophesied in the made up book which has ruined our lives.”

He added: “Also the Welsh dragon wears the number 11, which is made up of two numbers, which if added together equals 2- it is then clear to anyone obsessed with proving that someone is indeed the devil incarnate that the number 2 subtracted from 11 is 9. Now stay with me…(the monk retrieves an iPhone from his dick pouch)…yes here it is….if the number 9 is subverted then you have a 6 and because the Beast is in the third decade of his existence, then you have 666 ‘the number of the Beast’ as was foretold by the Bible and Iron Maiden, and other lesser known hair metal bands of that era.”