Are Thank You Notes Becoming Obsolete?

Now truth be told, I’m not always consistent in sitting down and penning a lovely note sharing my appreciation. Sometimes, life pulls me in too many directions submerging me in too many distractions that ultimately gain priority over the note. It happens. But for the most part, I will make sure to sit down and write a note or send a message of gratitude, just to make sure they know how much I value their thoughtfulness, their gift, their generosity.

When I give other people gifts, I don’t have such expectations. I really don’t. I’m just excited to give… It’s a really wonderful feeling, isn’t it?

I love that.

When I do receive a thank you note, it often catches me by surprise and immediately warms my heart and confirms to me that I did give a good gift after all, and they appreciate it.

I really do love that too.

I’ve actually come close several times, to sending a thank you note back to thank them for their beautiful thank you note. Crazy, I know. But sometimes, that‘s how much it touches me to get them.

I actually think thank you notes are exquisite and incredibly significant, in any shape or form or scratchy penmanship. Gratitude is good.

I make my kids write thank you notes, whenever they receive gifts. They know that after Christmas or birthdays, they will be sitting at the table, pen in hand with multiple cards to complete. They don’t enjoy this task, because it’s laborious and time consuming… But they get it. They know that this is simply what you do, when you are blessed with people in your life who give you gifts.

You thank them.

I’m always so impressed when my kids bring home thank you notes that have been written by their friends, after their friends have a birthday party. It pleases me so, to see the misspelled, sloppy words that still beautifully give the same message of gratitude. Their parents get it too.

I also adore every personal hand written thank you note that every teacher has given in response to gifts we have given them.

What great role models they are…

I have my kids write thank you notes to every one of their teachers toward the end of each school year. It’s time consuming. Laborious. And necessary. My kids actually enjoy doing this task, despite the writing. I’m guessing it’s because they are truly grateful, and want to tell them. I’m also guessing the teachers like to know that they are appreciated too.

It’s a good thing.

But I’m finding the trend of writing thank you notes is slowly dissipating into what may in fact become an obsolete obligation.

What a shame.

After celebrating three graduations this past spring, I was excited to have given my gifts to these three lovely young women. They may not have been a huge gift, by some standards, but to me- they were thoughtful gifts I chose carefully to both support and celebrate their achievements. I truly wasn’t expecting anything in return.

Or so I thought.

I found myself wondering all summer, if they liked their gift. At random moments, I would ponder if they spent their gift cards, or enjoyed the items I carefully picked out for each one of them. And it started to bug me that I didn’t know. I never received a thank you note from any of them. I became a little bitter, the more I thought about it. The more I wondered. The more time had gone by, with no mention of my gift or appreciation for it.

Now, I understand how busy life can get. I really do, especially when you are young and venturing off into the world of independence. I get that my perspective is traditional, perhaps old-fashioned to some degree- and theirs is, well, not.

I’ve found myself questioning the parents of these girls too, whom I know quite well. I realize they are probably not hovering over them at this stage of the game, instructing them on what they ought to do. Maybe they just assumed their kids DID write thank you notes.

Comments

Chris, I am so with you on this and have to be honest that I find it sad and even a bit rude when people don’t take a few minutes out of their busy day to write a thank you note. Even worse is getting one almost a year later and have had this happen for wedding gifts. I was always taught to write thank you notes myself and still do to this day, as well as make my kids do them whenever someone gifts them something, as well now. So, you are totally preaching to me and just don’t get it to be honest.

Thank you notes are rare. Anything handwritten is rare. But they are always very appreciated. I think we’ve become a much more casual society, where if someone can say thank you in person or even shoot over a text, then that’s considered enough. Sometimes we write them and sometimes we don’t, it just depends on the situation.

I’m sad to say I haven’t instilled this in my kids yet. Shame on me because it’s SO important to me. Scarlet just can’t write well yet, but I think it’s part of the charm. I do make sure to take photos of the kids using gifts, so I guess that’s my way right now.
The written word of gratitude is really important, though!

I love the photo idea, Tamara! I used to have my kids draw a picture of their gift and just sign their name or write ‘thank you’ somewhere on the picture. I thought it was endearing and rather more enjoyable for the kids to do!

I saw this post on my feed and I knew I had to click on. I am so with you on this! My mom taught me the art of the thank you note at a young age. For every gift I received I wrote a thank you note. For my Bat Mitzvah, I had to write 2 paragraphs — even if they were 2 sentences each — just as she had for her Bat Mitzvah. It has become ingrained in me, and I make it a point to write a thoughtful thank you note (and have taught Sam to do this same!). I am always touched when I receive one in the mail and like you wonder when I don’t receive one. When Eve is older I intend to teach her the same! We are all busy, but if someone goes out of their way to do something nice for you, you should show that appreciation. And I love how you have your children do that for their teachers at the end of the year! I might have Eve do that as well 😉

LOVE that you feel the same way, Bev!! YES to all of what you shared!! (I’ll often make my kids ‘expand’ on their notes too.) When my kiddos were younger, they drew pics of their gifts and wrote ‘thank you’ on the picture. That was enough for me. Perhaps that might be a good start for Eve when you are ready to help her through them!

I absolutely think some form of appreciation and gratitude must be shown. Now, if they are present during the gift exchange, then I think a thank and hug if they are comfortable with that person is perfectly acceptable. If a face to face “thank you, I love it” has been exchanged, I don’t see the need to follow up with a note. I think the moment can stand on it’s own. But, we do have relatives that live far away and they will send a card, gift and often money; and that absolutely either requires a thank you card, or a phone call. I’ll accept either. As long as the expression of thanks is made, I won’t be a stickler on the form it takes. For instance, my kids love to Skype their thanks with grandpa and nana that live out of town, and I think that is lovely.
And you know, I got a Facebook message once thanking me for a gift I sent, and given the tech times that we live in, that was perfectly acceptable to me too. Because I knew the person who sent it, and that they were genuinely thankful.
so don’t feel bad. manners matter. always.

YES!! Texts and messages will do just fine, especially in this day and age. And I agree that if you get to thank the person right then and there, thank you notes to follow up aren’t entirely necessary. But like you, the long distance family members etc. They deserve some form of thank you- just as you described! They don’t have to be formal notes- although I still think that is called for in many situations- like weddings, graduations etc. Old school formalities and manners, I know. But I’m sticking to them!

I have to be honest, I HATE to write thank you notes. My mom forced me to write them when I was young and now I hardly ever do it. I’m sorry! I agree with you…it’s such a nice gesture and it lets the giver know that they received the gift and enjoyed it. But oh, how I hate writing them. Emily Post says that if you thank the giver in person when you open the gift then you don’t need to send a note. That’s good enough for me.

Oh Stephanie! You’re so sweet. I get it. They are a BEAR to do. And I like what Emily has to say about it. It’s the gifts that we don’t see opened that I wonder about- like the ones I mention. Just a text even would have done it for me! But nothing? I think it is rude. I do. And I am all about sending long distance ones to people who took the time to send gifts via mail. I really think those special thoughtful gestures deserve a note too. 🙂

YES! YES! YES! I writ thank you notes! Ones that go in an envelope I have to lick and put a stamp on! For everything! And my children do too – even Barrett. It is so important. Do you know how many I got last year? NONE!!!! Not one freaking thank you note. I just don’t know what is happening to our world:(. Oh wait – no, I did get one! – From the surgery center where I had a procedure done. Why? I’m not sure. But it my attention:)!

HAHAHAHA!!! Oh Allie, how I LOVE your response to this post! First of all, I just adore you for being such a fan of thank you notes. I think that is AMAZING that you are so on it with ALL of your kids! And what a shame you haven’t received ANY this year… except of course, from your physician. LOL Oh that cracks me UP!

Hi Chris! I know the practice is not like it was when I was a child. My mom would make us write thank you notes before we could play with the toys, so believe me, they got done!
I think it’s an important thing to teach. My daughter does it, my son doesn’t. Well, 50% will have to do. Keep it up with your kids!
Blessings,
Ceil

I’m on the fence about Thank you notes, I don’t expect them and I don’t really care if I get them. Usually I’m at the event when people open the gift and seeing their happiness is enough. Though if I sent a gift and didn’t know if they got it or liked it I might want one. I don’t really like writing thank you notes but I send them anyway.

They are a task that takes time and effort- and most often who has either? lol I think your point about not knowing if they got the gift is my biggest issue. Even if it’s just a pic sent via text or SOMETHING to tell me it was received would be nice. That usually happens, and it makes me SO happy to see it no matter how it was communicated. I think I especially would like the notes if I didn’t see the person open the gift. That’s when I wonder…

Hi, Sweets.
I write many letters & cards w/ lots of glitter.
So, perhaps we are in the minority!
I’ve been told when people open my CAT cards, they expect gold and silver to pour out!
Funny Story:
My girlfriend opened her card at work during her lunch break @ School.
She said the gold glitter sprinkled all over her ham sandwich.
“Kim,” she said.
“I ate it anyhow!”

I sure hope that thank you notes are not becoming obsolete! While I know it can be a chore to write them, I do think they are important. Expressing gratitude for someone else’s thoughtfulness is the right thing to do. Plus, if you send a gift to someone, often a thank you note is the only way you know that the gift arrived.

I adore thank you cards as well, Chris. I actually love any type of snail mail. It has become a lost art with today’s quicker communication and availability. It makes me a little sad. I must admit, I’ve been terrible about teaching my kids to send thank you notes. It’s truly one of my biggest parenting regrets. My sister always got onto me over the years about it, but that only made me really not want to do it :). That little rebel child in me… I really wish it was automatic for me and my children, but it’s definitely not. We do it on some big occasions but not consistently. Thanks for this important reminder and inspiration. My son is only 13. Maybe it’s not too late for him ;).

We always wrote thank you notes growing up. With that said, this summer, trying to get Tucker to write thank you notes to his friends was AWFUL and I totally gave up. Now I’m rethinking my giving up and maybe it’s not too late. xo

I really think it totally depends on the kid and their ability to do the task! With Tucker? Something as easy as an already bought thank you note (I get them at the dollar stores!) that he simply has to sign would do the trick! I have done those many times with my kids! I understand the difficulties it can cause with little kids and sometimes that kind of challenge is more defeating than educational.

I love thank you notes and cards Chris. They do make a difference. Even a couple of words to say thank you and say that we are thinking about each other. It does not take that long. And it’s a pleasure to find the surprise in the mailbox.
I do think it’s a nice way to be grateful too. And a form of respect.

I love writing and receiving these notes. From very far away sometime. It makes it even better!
Lots of love from Paris.

Marie, you and me both!! I agree- it doesn’t have to be a long letter, just words of gratitude to let the giver know you appreciate them and their gift. I will continue to teach my kids to follow through on this lost art of gratitude!

I insist my kids write thank you notes! This is timely for me, because yesterday we received a thank you note from our nephew. It said “Thank you for the birthday gift. It was awesome. From AH.” No Dear Aunt Dana, etc., and signed with a first and last name. Like the kid had no idea who gave him the gift. I was annoyed, although at least he sent one. But still, shouldn’t an 8 year old’s parents supervise and make it a little more personal?

Right? Oh Dana, I’m so glad you agree! That note would have annoyed me too. I get it. And it makes me both irritated and quite sad to think such a thing is truly disappearing in the lives of this generation. Such a shame.

I have noticed over the years the lack of thank you notes from graduation gifts and wedding gifts.
While I can understand people are busy, I think big occasions like weddings and baby shower gifts deserve a short thank you note.

Me TOO!!! The big things- just like you said! I get the little gifts and life being crazy busy… but graduations, weddings and such should surely be honored with thank you notes. I’m afraid that isn’t the case anymore… 🙁