9/11: Ten years later - Teaching children about the attacks

Jose Jimenez/Primera Hora/Getty ImagesWith media coverage intensifying in the coming days, it’s unavoidable to shield children from accounts they will inevitably read, see or hear. Above, the north tower of the World Trade Center burns after a hijacked airplane hit it September 11, 2001 in New York City.

As the 10th anniversary of 9/11 approaches, parents of young children face a tough challenge: explaining that day’s events to children who were either not born or too young to remember.

With media coverage intensifying in the coming days, it’s unavoidable to shield children from accounts they will inevitably read, see or hear.

So it’s important to tread carefully and be sure the information kids are exposed to is age appropriate, experts say.

“Don’t say more than a kid can handle,” said child and adolescent psychiatrist Ilisse Perlmutter, a speaker for the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Perlmutter, who in the aftermath of Sept. 11 worked with victims’ families, said parents need to talk to children, keeping in mind their stage of development.

“A child of 4 is going to be different from a child of 10,” Perlmutter said. “It has to be pitched to the appropriate developmental stage.”

It’s the same concept as explaining subjects such as the birds and the bees or World War II.

“When they’re learning about World War II, I don’t think you’re talking about the Monroe Doctrine when they’re 4,” she said.

Parents trying to explain 9/11 to a 6-year-old, for example, can say that a bad thing happened in our country and that it was a terrible time and many innocent people died, but that the government has taken steps to keep us safe, she said.

That last part — being safe — is key in any explanation, Perlmutter said.

“Children need to feel secure and reassured at any age,” she said.

With older children, such as 9- or 10-year-olds, parents can start to introduce the politics behind 9/11, without necessarily using the word “terrorist.” The conversation could start off explaining there are those whose political views differ greatly from ours. They don’t believe in democracy and freedom, she said.

Parents may choose to say certain people made this very terrible thing happen to make a political point. It’s not necessary to explain what jihad or al Qaeda means, she said.

“But you can say there are people who had ideas we don’t understand and they don’t value human life the same as we do,” Perlmutter said.

Nickelodeon aired a special last week on its kids news show, “Nick News with Linda Ellerbee,” titled “What Happened? The Story of September 11, 2001,” in which people who were children at the time spoke about what they saw, heard and what it felt like that day. (The show is available on iTunes.)

Parents shouldn’t wait for their kids to come to them with questions about 9/11, according to Richard Rende, associate professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. Instead, parents should let their kids know they can ask about the tragedy.

A parent’s main job, said Rende, is to help their kids feel reassured whether they are preschoolers or teens. The guiding principle for parents is to answer kids’ questions without exposing them to a drumbeat of disturbing details.

That means answering questions directly and simply, and monitoring their children’s media consumption in the days leading up to the anniversary.

“The most important rule is to take any question very seriously and just deal with that question,” Rende said. “ ‘Less is more’ is a very good principle with kids. Let them direct you and don’t make assumptions about what they want to know. You can answer a question without going into detail,” he said. “You can try to be honest without being graphic.”

Rende offers guidelines:

• Don’t wait for your kids to approach you; let them know the lines of conversation are open.

• Set aside a time to do this when you won’t be quickly interrupted.

• Answer simply and directly. Less is more. Be honest without being graphic.

• Listen to the kids and let their questions guide you. Don’t broach new subjects they haven’t asked about.

• Be reassuring. Give them the confidence that they’re okay.

• Monitor their exposure to media as best you can.

Perlmutter agrees that parents should be vigilant about media exposure.

“Kids have to be exposed, know and understand. But the corollary to that is that it should be with an adult who can be reassuring and answer questions, talk about the feelings that went with seeing this,” she said. “You don’t put the kid in front of the TV watching this stuff alone.”