Ramblings and Fuckwittery

Im not dead

Soooooo…awkwardly, it has been a vast amount of time since I did a blog. I can’t even remember what the last one was about and I dont even know if anyone reads this shit really, so it probably doesn’t matter anyway but i’m not dead….i’m here, my brain is still ticking away and my wee body is still rolling about. I have been living and working in Malaysia for the last 6 months in my own little life bubble so all my sensory systems were used up doing that, leaving no room for the ol blogosphere.

My time in Malaysia was great but some of it just didn’t make any damn sense, coming from a country where life is bountiful and easy, it was hard to wrap my head around some things that I am not personally used to…. mostly basic things too….

It is more common than not, to have rolls of toilet paper by the wash basins in public toilets to dry your hands with (now, if you have tried to dry your hands with toilet paper before you will know it is totally inefficient) or if you know how much TP you are going to need for your time in the loo, you can pull out a few squares and take it in with you because there is never any in the cubicles itself. The trouble there is, you can’t just decide to do more while you’re in there because you may have only taken in enough for onesies! I learnt to always carry supplies everywhere you go unless you are open to using the bum hoses or willing to give up your socks if you are lucky enough to be wearing any…..Its a real daily struggle and lets not get into the squat toilets… hooomygaddd, those are the things unhygienic and confusing nightmares are made of.

The ‘bars’ are interesting and tend to be the same wherever you go in Malaysia, I don’t think anyone has figured it out yet that playing music inside your bar so loud that you will incur blood clots and brain tumors in the time that it takes one to consume a drink does not encourage punters. I repeat, it does not make people want to come into your establishment and that my friends, is why they are always empty. Go figure.

Seatbelts aint no thang. Nobody wears them. Not adults, not kids, nobody. You’ll see cars absolutely teeming with kids crawling all over the show in the back and front, crammed from floor to ceiling with families. Babies sitting on drivers laps licking the window, cars filled with balloons and kids, kids and animals, fridges and kids, adults and kids, all flavours and mixes jammed in together like spam and not a seatbelt in sight. CANNOT. It makes you want to bang your head against the steering wheel because fatal crashes in Malaysia are as common as your morning coffee, and seeing bodies strewn all over the road having gone through windscreens, windows and doors is frustrating knowing how many of them could have been prevented if they used seatbelts and car seats for their babies. The motorbikes are just as bad, if not worse as I am sure we have all seen in our travels. Quite astonshing really…

You will often hear ‘can’ and ‘cannot’ from anyone and everyone who is serving you in any form. Not to be confused with each other nor to be taken for their full value and meaning. Can and cannot simply means that ‘things’ may or may not be done. An egg to be added to your salad – CAN, but it may turn up with turkey instead because – CANNOT. I would like to fill up my car with petrol please – CAN, but you have to guess how much it will be and pay first then you will be reimbursed the reminder of your money not spent because – CANNOT. While out for dinner with friends, I’ll have the ribs thanks – CAN, three hours later and all other friends meals have been eaten already, where are the ribs? uh, not sure, would you like to order something else because – CANNOT.

Just a few examples there without sounding like a complete life snob douche bag….I kinda sound like that already, whoops. But I do enjoy being back in New Zealand where I can freely buy tampons, find buttered salty popcorn to eat excessively until I develop diabetes, drink water from the tap, buy bacon bacon bacon all the bacon, eat mountains of cheese with actual proper savoury crackers, get waxed wherever I want to be waxed, get my hair cut and coloured without outrageous disasters, even a blow dry that looks like the picture I have as a reference, eat eggs benedict till I get pregnant from all the protein and drink real coffee, even our shopping malls are like 5 star experiences comparatively.

I am worldly and traveled if I say so myself, but I do like page one to be in order as my creature comfort… I aint gunna lie.

Look out for my next blog installment – Katies top beauty tips of 2014!