This blog was my lifeline when I struggled to make sense of all the emotions, information and hospital visits involved with expecting a baby with a heart defect. Now I write to come to terms with the loss of my beautiful baby boy when he was 3 days old.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I'm feeling ok, life is moving by and ticking over. But I feel very detached from life, like I am just going through the motions. Every few days I feel connected and energised and it feels amazing, like I am truly alive, but then I am back to feel distanced and separate from the world around me again. Is this grief or depression or both? I really don't know.I miss you so much, words truly can't express how much my heart and my arms ache for you. I have to keep reminding myself how poorly you were, how painful and difficult your life may have been but that doesn't stop me imagining the troublesome, noisy, nosy little boy I should have with me now. I feel robbed of my much wanted and loved third child and I miss you so so much.I really thought I would feel better almost two years later, and in many ways I do, but the wound is still raw and painful and I'm wondering how long, if ever, this healing will take.