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Thursday, October 15, 2009

It’s 2:45 am. Sure you’ve drank enough alcohol to kill a decent sized animal, but you’ve also pounded like three 5-hour energy drinks so you are ready to fucking go. You were grinding on a pretty hot slut for like a half hour until her friends dragged her away. Fuck them – since when did being engaged mean you couldn’t enjoy some strange on the side? Fucking bro-haters. You roll up to the bar and convince some blonde chick with a huge rack to buy you a beer. This shit’s a wrap – 30 minutes with her is all you’re going to need (15 for pretending to care about where she’s from and 15 for grinding.) But then it happens. “I’m sorry, but last call was 15 minutes ago,” the toothless bartender whose ratty comb-over makes him look like a “contestant” on “To Catch A Predator.” You can’t believe it. You’re knees start to buckle. This must be what DJ AM felt like before he killed himself. Fortunately, you’re not dealing with the intense stress and pressure that comes with playing your iPod at Vegas Clubs – you’re just trying to get your dick wet. So after asking the redneck bartender how often he dresses his family’s pigs up in his wife’s Muumuus just to see what it would be like to bang someone with a decent body, you gather up all your bros and all their girls who think they found a boyfriend, but really are about to become a story and head out. It’s time for the fucking after party.

Bros never want the night to end. Whoever came up with the idea of “last call” was definitely not a bro. Bros never look at their watch and say, “My, oh my, where has the time gone ? We should really get home to get some quality shut-eye so we are refreshed in the morning!” The only excuse for a bro to ever leave the bar early is when there is some slamming you need to attend to. Even then, you still deserve all the shit you get for letting a girl tell you what to do. Fucking loser. Bros have their own “last call” – it’s called when the fucking beer runs out. Bitch. Ask any bro to tell you the wildest thing that he has ever done. Nine times out of ten the story will take place after 2am and will start out by saying, “We had been drinking for like 12 fucking hours.” After parties are the shit – back in freshman year, we used to just sit around at parties talking about all the things we were going to destroy in our dorm hall for our maid to clean up on Monday morning. One week she threatened to quit when we threw an entire cake at the ceiling and someone put a block of wood in the toilet then took a huge shit on top of it so it wouldn’t flush. That maid was such a bitch.

Another great thing about after parties is that slam pieces fucking love them. If it weren’t for the fact that they have un-bangable, ugly friends who judge them for being whores, slam pieces would go home with bros without so much as a “What’s your name.” Unfortunately, we live in a society full of bro-hater bitches. In order to rise above these fists of tyranny, bros came up with the “Hey, we’ve got a keg back at my place for some late night beer pong if you are interested” line. Problem fucking solved. The slam piece, knowing full well she’s about to be slayed, tells her fat loser friends she’s going to play some beer pong and off you go. Now, the fatties might try to come along, and the slam piece might ask if this is ok. It’s not – they are only there to run interference so they have another person to split their late night pizza with. Just tell her that they can’t come because you’re afraid they will eat all your food. Since she just keeps them around to increase her self-esteem, she’ll laugh and probably go down on you on the walk home.

So, the next time you hear the bell ring at the bar and some old man scream out “Last Call for Alcohol!” remember that this is just a suggestion from the bro-hater that is society. While the night wraps up for all the other losers out there, it’s just getting started for bros.

32 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Why don't you bros step up your game and start blowing coke instead of weak ass 5 hour energies... that is how the real after parties begin. bro I blew coke off this slam pigs ass last night and we fucked for hours...

I'd just like to say I've been hearing a lot of brohaters and bras throwing this "rape" word out there to describe slaying a slampiece when she won't remember it. Fuck that, Bros call that shit natural selection.

Bros, it ain't a party till there's an afterparty. Pound those last shots, chug the last two beers you are holding from double fisting, and hop in the bro-lvo or the cama-bro and get some bro-adhead on the way home. she'll be wanting to felate you after all that grinding. You're still riding 5 hours of energy, since you've been partying for fucking 10 hours. And if it runs out, there's always brocaine, cause you're parents are rich as fuck and you can afford that shit. You know you dominate bitches at beer pong and this chick will want to fuck you when you are done cleaning up the table and the beer runs out.

Great post. Nothing like some 7am raging after hours fueled by a questionable 8ball purchase after the bars close. The more bros and slam pieces as well as drugs at your after party the more bro cred you get. If you have what it takes to organize an after hours party after the bars close with 50+ drunk people and have it last until the sun is high in the sky you may have what it takes to be a bro king.

Nothing beats an after party that involves wrecking shit. The best thing me and my bros ever destroyed while hammered was a '78 Bonneville out behind the house. We used a log as a battering ram to bang in the doors, windshield, and windows. Then shot it for a while, tore it up, hit it with some other shit, and lit it on fire.

I have to say the best bro move that i pull is to say there is an after party at my house to some slam piece and when we get there, there's no after party. When she questions you on the lack of party, you just make her go down on you right there. This way it doesn't waste any unnecessary time that you could be pounding the girl.

We us to have a bro-pad right across the street from the bar. We'd gather the drunkest slam pieces and told them we had a keg at our house... did we have a keg fuck no, we drank that shit before we went to the bar. All we had was left was some brocardi 151 that would get all the slampieces primed. then we'd grind on them till 4 in the morning until they were ready to be slayed.... as NYB would put it all about location, location, location!

I would say that after parties are fucking awesome and slampieces do love them. I have a bro of mine that I feel has a countless number of bro-points for being able to honestly tell me a story about that started with: " I remember when I got married in vegas once, for a day." He got so fucked up that he married a fine as slampiece that he took back to the brotel and slayed haha. I didn't believe until he showed me the wedding pics haha. Chuch

MariBro Kart, why are you talking like that? Bro's are the smartest people in the world so we don't need you to explain to us fellow bros that you have the double after party which means 2 after parties. You are clearly not the bro king in your group of bros. Suck it up you're better than that, no bromo.

Bros dont masturbate, we have plenty of slam pieces who are willing to serve us at a moments notice. Also, bros dont use condoms, and the fact that you even out one on let alone to masturbate is even worse. Your bro status is in question, if you had status to begin with

After Parties always do it. Last night I was all at the frats makin out and grinding up on some slam pieces when one of my bros goes "we're going back to the lax house". Of course we get there and there is a fresh keg just getting started, and somehow all the laxtitute slampieces show up so its fucking on. A little Remix to Ignition and Party in the USA and the brahs were too damn bothered and hot. I woke up on top of the washermachine with some slampiece babyspoon rubbin my shit. I think I'm still hammered

After parties should consist of tequila and cocaine. It starts with the slampiece taking a few shots then a few lines then go to your room and take a few of your dick then bang her out for an hour tell her you have a sleeping disorder and call her a cab to come pick her up at 4:30 in the morning then you smoke a blunt and pass out free and clear.

The best after-party investment I ever made was a Jagerator (aka "Jager Tap Machine") that we put on top of the fridge so slam pieces would come back and just stand there chugging icey cold liquorified-deer blood, and then get slammed.

Just an absolute beauty post. We like to tell broads to come back for wine, beer, shots, and our hot tub. Needless to say at our university house the majority of the time the wine was a lie. One things for certain, we sure as hell do not have a hot tub.

best post so far, and that's saying a lot. that "she will probably go down on you on the walk home" line was priceless... quick tip though, if ur stirring shit up for your maid, rip up the hall carpet and super glue the pieces to someones door, the walls, a shower head, and on a toilet seat.