Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Apparently, the editors of UK Sun still thinks our country is populated with Valley Girls and stoners. They would not be wrong about that. And Wayne Rooney says England fears no one. Not even baby-mauling foxes? Everyone's afraid of those things. Totally, dude.

• Not even the pounding rain can stop Ubaldo Jimenez from becoming The Greatest Pitcher In The History Of Great Baseball Pitchers This Season. He won his 12th. [SI]