Monday, 6 June 2011

HEY, CUE BALL!

Apparently there is breaking news from the world of English Premier league football this Monday morning: Manchester United's Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant. (Yes, I managed to keep a straight face when I wrote that. Barely). Of course he confirmed this on his twitter account, announcing to all of his devoted followers that he was going bald at 25, so why not take the bespoke hirsute plunge. I suppose you either have to admit to it, or pretend that the new chia pet growing on your head has been there for years and obviously people were not paying attention.

It's no news flash that for men going bald is clearly one of those dreaded things that plague them throughout their lives; hence the billion dollar empire that surrounds hair regeneration. Truly the fastest way to send a man into a category five tailspin is to tell him he looks a little thin on top. [If you’ve never witnessed this spiral into absolute heart stopping panic it’s kind of amusing to watch]. For whatever reason, for some men hair and masculinity are conjoined in such a profound way that to separate them will apparently alter the balance of their universe. In fact, I’d say fear of baldness ranks up there with men losing their mojo in then engine room, if you know what I mean...I can’t imagine the pool of insecurity an impotent bald man swims in – poor lamb.

The thing I never understand is, if it were me, and I had a good skull (you know when you don’t, I assure you) I would rock baldness like flipping ACDC. Bruce Willis, he’s a good role model for the balding (there is a long list of men perfectly at peace with having a shiny head!). He gives off that whole bad ass attitude, has a nice young wife, and is bald as an eagle. In fact, he actually looks strange with hair. Let’s be honest here – and any women will happily attest to this - how much worse is it when you see men trying to defy the balding inevitable? The hair styles that they think are going to cover the thin spots [Jude Law, you're not fooling anyone] - the comb over, the fluff up, the eight pounds of mousse in that one full area of hair hoping to accentuate it. Or the horrifying toupees that look like dead animals perched on their heads, those are subtle and oh so attractive. Or how about the hair transplants that go awry and look like the bottom of a golf shoe. And of course, lest us not forget the perpetual baseball cap/cowboy hat fashion statement – no, the baseball hat does NOT go with everything. Seriously, we know what’s under there. NADA.

Seriously men, just own it; slap some SPF on that thing and get on out there. If women have to handle aging worse than men (as men don't age apparently, they become distinguished), getting fat from pregnancy and being exchanged for younger models, then men should be able to handle looking like a cue ball if the hair gods do not shine down upon you.