Why the H R they Puff ‘n Stuff?

In a previous post, I discussed how the media create arbitrary flaws in women’s bodies, then conveniently offer up solutions to fix those flaws. That post was about ugly armpits. Today’s example is about the land down under — and I don’t mean Australia. (I’ve also written about this flawed area before.) Yesterday, Jezebel posted a clip from the CBS daytime show, “The Doctors,” in which they discuss how “Your Aging, Deflated Vagina Is Like A Hamburger.” (Well technically, it’s your aging, deflated vulva, but let’s move on.)

On the show, Dr. Jennifer Berman, expert in the field of female urology and sexual medicine, made her case by explaining how your private parts become less puffy as they succumb to gravity, age, and having babies, and this makes them sag and deflate. She used a hamburger as a pretend vulva. (I guess a taco would’ve been too tacky.) She held the burger sideways so that the meat patties represented the inner labia minora and the buns were the outer labia majora — the parts that don’t puff enough. (Side note to show producers: On the next show, you could totally add different condiments to the burger in order to discuss a variety of vaginal maladies, e.g., cheese, mayo, ketchup, etc. Just a thought.)

Dr. Berman explained that a procedure called the “Labial Puff” can counteract the sagging and deflating. It entails injecting the outer lips with cosmetic filler, similar to the injections done to the lips on your face. It allegedly helps to revolumize the labia majora — or in other words — it puffs your muff.

“Ladies, you’re not going to notice it if you’re just laying down or sitting down. I actually had to bend over and look under and I swear to God, I almost had a heart attack [insert audience laughter]. And it was subtle, but it was there,” she said.

So, let’s get this straight. This alleged labial malformation isn’t noticeable unless you’re bending over and looking under yourself in some sort of mangled yoga pose, right? And not only that, but while you’re contorting yourself to search for your most recently discovered fucked up body part, you discover that it’s only subtly fucked up? It doesn’t hurt or interfere with your sexual function, but it supposedly looks subtly fucked up according to those who have an interest in fixing it. And that alone is a good reason to perform a cosmetic procedure on it? That’s what I think is fucked up.

And that, boys and girls, is an example of how the media invent an arbitrary flaw in the female body to create a need, and then serve up a solution to fulfill that need.

The Labial Puff is supposed to make your vulva look more youthful … some would say even childlike. So here’s a question: what about the guys? When boys go through puberty, their testicles drop, and they continue their downward descent as men age. Why don’t we hear “The Doctors” make a case for the Sack Lift to make men look more youthful? Like the Labial Puff, it could be just a simple outpatient procedure in which they inject cosmetic fillers to pump up the testicular volume. Then they could do a couple of little snips and stitches to raise them up to a more youthful — and virile state.

The best part? “The Doctors” could explain the procedure on their show by using a couple of meatballs.