Mind over mammory: Mastectomy

Second verse, different from the first! Another post to help those who are going through a mastectomy but this one is more focused on what your mind might be going through and a couple of tips. This is just my experience and everyone is different.

My surgery was unexpected, as I said in my Bye Bye Boobie post, I was always told it was too late for surgery so in my mind a mastectomy was never in my future. As always with this disease, it is wise to always keep your mind open because anything can happen. It is so unpredictable and always ongoing and growing. Remember nothing works forever but also remember to enjoy the “pauses”! As the disease progresses treatments get harder and harder. I think that was a part of my sadness with this surgery, new treatment because of progression. Every time this happens I am reminded at how little control I have and my mortality is put in check.

Psychologically this is a hard surgery, no one looks forward to losing a breast and I found that the time before surgery was the hardest, I thank God that I only had a week to think about it. Honestly, it was a very long week. I also highly recommend you stay away from googling pictures, trust me from experience. Two days before my surgery I was trying to find pics of women that had their surgeons manipulate “fake” cleavage from breast tissue but was only horrified and scared to death of what I was going to look like. I swear they only post the most distressful pics out there!! DO NOT look to the internet pics for reassurance!! Try not to think about what will happen or what it will look like after, it will just add unneeded stress to your recovery! The reality is you are losing a breast and your chest will look different, accept it and it will make the before and after easier. Focus mostly on your health, there is a reason for this removal, it will bring you life! My biggest advice, be brave and stay strong, you will get through it!

As I said before the waiting is the hardest. In my opinion do whatever makes you feel better, fuck it, this is hard, so hard. Get a pedicure before you go in, go out for a great dinner with friends and anything else that brings you happiness. My wonderful friends helped me get a boudoir photo shoot. This was so amazing and I highly recommend it. It was such a great way to have some beautiful photos taken before your body changes. I decided to go tits out and give my husband some shots to remember my awesome boobs! I also decided after 3 years of fighting this bitch, to take the time to relax and recover at my own pace! No guilt just recover in peace!!

Getting out and about was a problem I didn’t think about beforehand. I couldn’t drive, I have a manual car and my mastectomy happened to be on my gear shift side. This was a big challenge for me, not being able to even leave the house if I wanted to, at the mercy of others but not wanting to bother anyone to take me anywhere, I already feel like a giant burden and I didn’t want to be a bigger one. I did feel a little isolated and lonely but sadly that already comes with the disease.

I also found it was difficult to look at my chest, avoiding a direct long look, not wanting to see it but slowly trying to accept the unavoidable reality. I would take quick peeks every now and then, and still every time I was surprised by what I saw, that’s not me is it, FUCK! When I put my hand to my chest, so familiar it used to feel. As it went closer and closer with anxious curiosity, expecting to feel my breast, it hesitated as the unfamiliar empty space was entered. This empty space… it means again cancer is winning, for now! it means I feel less than a woman, again! it means forever I will have this emptiness.

So because I only had one boob removed, my remaining boob still needs a bra… I left the house on a couple of occasions feeling awkward. I did not buy anything to wear post surgical because I really was not able to think about the after and partly because I didn’t know what the hell to buy. My surgical site was so tender and I couldn’t wear anything I had at home so off into the world au naturel it was! My one side obviously empty and the other boob flapping in the wind. I felt obvious and vulnerable, again cancer announcing to the world, this body is my bitch! Now here is where planning ahead would have really come in handy. There is a website for knitted knockers! It takes a little while to get them so I suggest ordering before you go in for surgery. These things are amazing and free!!!! Check out the website for these awesome confidence building boobies!!! http://www.knittedknockerscanada.com/

It has been 3 weeks now and my physical healing is going great! My mental one is still in the works but it is a lot easier to accept now than it was, like anything in life change needs time and time heals! I bought a bra and have stuffed it with socks lol! I am still waiting for my knitted knocker. I have also looked into prosthesis. I have heard they can be uncomfortable to wear and are quite expensive but do whatever you need to do to feel better! Ontario does have a grant for a chunk of the cost if you are interested here is the link https://www.ontario.ca/page/breast-prostheses-and-artificial-limbs

I am irritated about future clothes shopping! Trying to figure out how to camouflage my cockeyed chest for the rest of my life. I have already had a lifetime of trying to conceal my fat and now I have to fabricate the illusion of “normal” breasts!

I wonder if my golf swing will improve! 😉
Today I will own it! Battle wounds and battle scars, we all have them let us not give them the power to define us or rule our lives! Whatever life throws at us remember just carry on my soul sisters and brothers we are alive to fight for another day!!!

2 thoughts on “Mind over mammory: Mastectomy”

You’ve already been through so much, and this mastectomy coming out of nowhere was just heartbreaking. But despite everything that has been thrown your way, you find the strength and keep fighting, all the while putting yourself out there and sharing your story. You are amazing and such a wonderful person, I’m so proud that you are my sister. XOXO