Because of the large
number of movies that I see, I’ve pretty much begun to
grade these things on a curve. Yeah, maybe ‘Wild
Hogs’ wasn’t the most complete movie around, but at
least it made me laugh, so we apply the movie curve, and
instead of trashing the damn thing, we give it a
marginal passing grade. Sure Ghost Rider was
pretty much nonsensical crap, but when you apply the
movie curve which takes into account that it HAD to be a
parody of some kind, it only fails mildly. Well
home team, Warner Brothers ‘300’ has turned out to be
that annoying smart kid that sits in the front of the
class, answering all of the questions and ruining the
curve for everybody because this movie kicks ass.

Now you would think a man
with a vocabulary as vast as mine could have thought of
something more clever to say other than ‘kicks ass’, but
that would pretty much sum it up. Welcome to the
world Before Christ, where Persia, led by self
proclaimed God Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), has become the
empire the sun never sets on. Xerxes is now ready
to take Greece, but as he readily admits, he is a kind
and benevolent God. He would much rather you
submit to slavery and subjugation than slaughter you
into it. Getting Greece to submit, Xerxes
realizes, would be so much easier if he could just
convince Sparta, and its king Leonitus (Gerald Butler),
to kneel before him without a fight. If Xerxes
knows Spartans like we know Spartans, then he knows the
chances of that happening are unlikely.

Unfortunately for the
great King Leonitus, who is just itching for a scrap,
the oracles upon high have forbade him against going to
war against the Persians, which would

ultimately allow them to
walk in and simply take what they want. Finding
this option intolerable, the king decides to take 300 of
his best men, all men with sons to carry on their name,
to join him for a ‘leisurely walk’ north to have quiet
talk with the marauding Persians. Sure, it’s a
suicide mission, but apparently Spartans, like Klingons,
spend their lives searching for a glorious death.
Lunatics.

Simple enough isn’t
it? 300 Spartans versus 30,000 Persians… maybe
they should have gotten a few more. Based on a
graphic novel by the legendary Frank Miller, Director
Zack Snyder has taken the drawings and brought them to
glorious, stylized, unbelievable life. I had to
search long and hard to try to find something even
slightly negative to say about this movie, and I think I
found something, but we’ll get to that later.

Visually, ‘300’ is a tour
de force. As you are probably aware, the entire
movie was shot on green screen, similar to the Frank
Miller Graphic Novel ‘Sin City’, but to far greater
effect than even the amazing ‘Sin City’ was able to
achieve. The sound in this film was also
phenomenal, as an example as I was sitting on press row,
some old dude film critic next to me literally watched
the whole movie with his fingers in ears. I kid
you not. I’m surprised he didn’t stand up and yell
‘Would you damn kids turn that crap
down!’ If it’s too loud for old
people, then it’s just right for me. The action in
‘300’ was brutal, and I mean brutal, relentless,
unyielding and non stop. It’s also arguably the
most violent film I’ve ever seen, with plenty of slow-mo
so you can see every dismembering, beheading, deboweling
in glorious detail. As an example, when the movie
ended, two round chicks on critics row on the other side
of me, commented that the movie was ‘too violent’.
Yo baby, this wasn’t ‘When Harry met Sally’, or ‘You got
Mail’. This was a movie about angry, near naked
dudes, slaughtering other angry near naked dudes while
their angry near naked wives waited for them at
home. If it’s too violent for the ‘Failure to
Launch’ crowd, then it’s just right for me.

There was absolutely
nothing wrong with this movie, but if I had to pinpoint
something, I would say it lacked an emotional
attachment. Say similar to ‘Braveheart’.
Now, ‘300’ kicked total ass, but it was no ‘Braveheart’,
which should tell you to what great regard I hold the
movie ‘Braveheart’. But where ‘Braveheart’ took
three hours to carefully, and masterfully craft the tale
of William Wallace, complete with a strong emotional
attachment to the characters, ‘300’ on the other hand
takes two hours to simply blow you the hell out of your
movie seat. Since the film leaned so heavily on
its battles and action sequences, it really didn’t stop
or take the time to emotionally attach you to the
characters. But don’t get me wrong, the actors
were interesting and involving, and though I had never
heard of actor Gerald Butler before this film, I doubt
seriously they could have found a better choice for King
Leonitus. All of the actors involved, including
the lovely Lena Headey as the wife of Leonitus, Queen
Gorgo, were outstanding . Recognize though, that
in the pantheon of movie hard asses, King Leonitus could
possibly be the hardest of them all. Leonitus
would seriously take Maximus from ‘Gladiator’ and make
him his girlfriend.

If your one who likes to
bootleg movies and watch blurry Cam copies, don’t waste
your time. This is one of those that HAS to be
seen on the big screen with the surround sound blasting,
making old dudes ears bleed. ‘300’ was a great,
great film and a great time at the movies. So
sadly for the movies to follow, ‘300’ is most definitely
a curve buster to the extreme, so don’t expect another
good review from me for any other film for at least
until next semester.