Vegan Fry Daddy

I get that starting a new diet or knitting yourself a new habit of snackery has got to start somewhere. Dear food journal: Day 1… But I’m quite certain that when you’re out on a first date with someone new, you chit chat about the weather, small talk about your likes and dislikes. I like grapes. But I hate raisins. See if he’d be open to having your mother live in the spare bedroom after your married. Just kidding. Don’t talk about that. He’ll run. And, since coffee is going well, you decide to move into restaurant status. What?! Cloth napkins bitches! He wants to choose a restaurant; But, offers you to decide. Come on woman, where the hell do you want to eat. Next thing you know she saying she eats nothing that has come from life. Wait. What? Or had a face. Or once took a breath. Ok. So you don’t eat meat? Eggs? Or plants? They were alive once too… Before being yanked from the ground… Just saying. Do you feed on cardboard? Oh and raw only. Of course, you do raw only. Okie dokie. So you don’t own a frying pan? …Oh you do. What happened to raw? What’s happening here? Raw cooking? Hmm. Oxymoronic; But, Ok. So, would you like to get some pho? That’s vegan and raw… I think. I don’t know, some of its hot. Can you eat that? How did this chick just become so complicated? I don’t want to play anymore. Now you’re sitting in the establishment looking over the menus trying to figure out what the hell this broad CAN eat and it dawns on you… So, how long have you been vegan raw? Dear food journal: Day 3… WTF? Three days? …Three days?? No wonder this hoe is staring at the menu like she’s just going to opt for a napkin to munch on and a glass of water. She doesn’t know what she’s allowed to eat! Clearly, this was an uneducated lifestyle choice. I’m starting to feel for your male dating woes. I wouldn’t even want a female friend like this, let alone your lucky enough to take this masterpiece out on a date! Her knowledge noggin has no clue how to navigate this new lifestyle choice and all you can do is sit there and watch the train crash into the station.

Can I help you decide? No. Oh ok… So, what made you decide to become vegan raw? You want to be healthier…. Hmmm. Well, I was a vegetarian for three years -must be the magic food number- and it took a year to get to that point. Your doing this cold tofu turkey? Yes. Oh… Yes, waiter, I’ll have the filet mignon and lobster. And the lady will have a plate of carrots, uncooked. This guy is starting to think you jumped on this vegan raw wagon to excuse yourself from digesting anything. Maybe you should just eat what you want and then… Throw it up? Or maybe just do it the old fashioned way and starve if you’re feeling a bit puffy? We don’t have to get bonkers and make life difficult for those around us. Apparently, she feels more special this way? Or more like, a picky female dog that wants attention? I guess the moral of the story is if you’re on a date and the subject of food habits come up… Don’t be a 3 day fake vegan raw whore. I fell off the vegetarian wheelbarrow a year ago and haven’t looked back. Well, I’m a flawed pescetarian, don’t judge. You should’ve just gone out with me. I’ll take a bucket of wings and I’ll call you my vegan fry daddy anytime.