Wednesday, January 13, 2016

2 months Testosterone Free

For the past 13 years I have been playing a role of a character I created. Mark Angelo Cummings as head strong as the name sounds, it also embodied the full creation of a alpha man who I would have wanted to fall in love with, marry and that would help me heal the wounds created by the men in my life. I wanted to be what I wish most men could be, but somewhere down the line things got misconstrued and the man I was trying to create, slowly started to become like the ones I hated. I was self center, egotistical, narcissistic, unable to stay focus and in the end destroyed everything Maritza managed to create.

Although many may think of my narrative, as strange, considering myself as two individuals, my duality in my opinion is not a pathology but a self defense mechanism to help me deal and cope with all the challenges life presented me. Maritza wanted back after around the 5 year mark, but didn't know how to return. She watched from a far while Mark continued to make a mess of things, acting like a demanding adolescent who believed the world revolved around him, no one else matter but "him". Playing with his new found male privilege, Mark wanted to change the world as Mark saw it, in the end hurting many that where unfortunate to cross his path. Now in all fairness, I can't say he was a complete monster, after all, Maritza still had a foot inside the abode, but kept silent as an observer, quietly shaking her head as she watched on horror.

Fast forward many years, Maritza started to slowly take back her mind, but what still handicapped by the male hormone that did not allow her to completely take control of what was rightfully hers. Until finally with the change of events, Maritza was able to break free and now has finally returned. I feel more alive than ever, I feel I was able to learn more about men, life in general, than ever before. I feel blessed although lots of damage was done, I am now able to repair and heal while finally moving forward to the rest of my life.

It feels so good to be me again, leaving me, has helped me appreciate who I truly am. I have more respect for the trans community, which fight hard to fine themselves on a daily basis. Feeling alive is a wonderful feeling, I say here is to all of us who have been lost and lonely, may you find your truth in whatever form that may be.

It blows my mind how quickly the retransition is taking place leaving me to think did it ever happen