Jun 17, 2010

Bestest Candidate Nominee!!!

Meet Georgia Creator's Rights Party candidate for governor, Neal Horsley. Here he is being interviewed by another human.

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

Colmes: There are a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?

NH: You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.

But not the rabbits. Please, not the rabbits.

Done there, you think. Neal must have come out and claimed it was a joke of some sort. Well, not in this follow up interview.

"We're talking about the mule now?"

Yes, he says. The mule.

"A small mule?" I ask.

"No, a full grown mule," he says. "She loved me, though."

We both laugh, but I'm still trying to figure out the logistics. How big is this thing? The size of a horse, he says.

"All I had to do was give her an ear of corn." He laughs again. "She was a [prostitute] mule."

"How did you reach?"

"I don't know... I stood on something. The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before."

And...it turned into a golden shower story. He fucked the piss out of a mule.

Well, that's a great story. I mean, you should be proud of yourself and tell the world as much as possible. Okay, Neal, thanks for the info and I'll see you aro...

"I've [screwed] a watermelon," he says.

Oh, God. Stop. Seriously. Just fucking stop fucking.

He's had sex with just about everything it's physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn't.

I really don't want to know about the things that aren't physically possible to have sex with. Please, please don't tell me you fucked an almond.

"How many times have I masturbated in my life?" he asks. Now he's 65 and orgasm-free for two years. "The bottom line is, I never treated it as if it were not a sin.

"You even jerk off wrong.

Vote Neal Horsley in 2010! He will fuck your melons and donkeys and bags of pork rings and sandwiches and hamsters and tires and couches and ice cream and radishes and mufflers and burlap sacks and grapefruits and televisions and fire trucks and aprons and tin cans and drapes and lamps and rugs and coffee tables and ottomans and...now I'm just looking around the room...