I Do Everything Wrong

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I have long advocated running in the opposite direction of conventional wisdom. If everyone says one thing, I do the opposite.

In 2006, everyone told me not to sell my home and buy a new one. I sold my house, doubling my money, and bought a new home which was sold 8 years later for a tidy profit.

In 2008, every economic genius in the world said the American economy was vibrant and strong and that the worse of the housing crisis was over. I sold all of my stocks, hunkered down and avoided financial calamity. In fact, just 18 months later, I bought the RAD studios and expanded the empire while everyone else was running and hiding.

But it’s not just financial things; every single category of life has conventional wisdom; fashion, cooking, driving, pet care and more. And according to those sources, I do everything wrong, which explains all of the snickering behind my back and my total lack of success in the following areas:

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COOK

I have always claimed that people should know what they’re good at, embrace it, and be proud of it. There’s a place for modesty, and acknowledging what you’re best at is no place for such. I am an amazing cook. Not only do I love my food, but without fail, almost every single living human who eats my food agrees that it’s better than most, if not all, restaurant food they’ve ever had. Multiple people tell me I have ruined all sorts of foods for them when it comes to eating out (hehehehehe), most notably steak. Going to five star steakhouses is no longer a thrill for people who’ve eaten my meat (hehehehehe) because it never measures up (hehehehe). But, according to the experts, I am a complete idiot and have no idea what I’m doing. Amongst other asinine “golden rules,” that are constantly regurgitated by every moron chef is “Don’t flip the steak more than once.” Odd…I flip my steaks a minimum of four times and sometimes six, and yet they turn out better than what almost every major top-of-the-line chef has ever served me or anyone who has had my steaks. Cooking a great steak is all about quickly searing in the flavor and then slow cooking the inside while rotating the exterior for grill marks. The basic formula in my house is 90 seconds on side one on a 500 degree grill, flip and wait another 90 seconds. Flip again (oh, the horror) and lower the temp to low (slowly bringing the grill down to about 375) and cook for 2 minutes. Flip again (dear God, I must be mad) and wait 2 more minutes. Turn the grill off and flip the steak yet again (I should be incarcerated). Wait 60 seconds, serve. Watch everyone tell you you’re the greatest chef ever.

This past summer I spent a few days at the Ron Fellows Speedway in Las Vegas where they allegedly taught us how to drive like racecar drivers in cars identical to mine, a 2015 Corvette Z06. While it was a great experience, it was also maddeningly hypocritical as they insisted over the course of three days that we keep both hands on the wheel at 9 and 3 at all times. Yet they also told us that less pressure and a more relaxed touch was the key. When I drive my sports car I have at the most, three fingers on the wheel, never more, because I understand that a great driver knows his car, watches the horizon of the road and never, ever overreacts. At the end of the three day class, we did ride-alongs with trained professional drivers who took a track at an average speed of 150 MPH. And guess what? They drove with one hand and only a couple of fingers because that’s the real way to drive a lightning bolt on wheels. After dozens of laps being forced to use their stupid 3/9 rule, the last lap of the trip I drove the way I always drive…three fingers…and I had the fastest, most efficient lap of my entire trip. It would be one thing if people were initially advising someone, like a teenager for example, what a good starting point is for anything from driving to cooking; but a quick Google search will find you and endless array of people proclaiming to be experts and demanding there is only one right way to something: their way.

Despite having two amazing German Shepherds (one of whom was rescued from an abusive blank-hole) who would take a bullet for me and then kill the shooter, I am a total fool according to experts when it comes to understanding dogs. Despite beautifully and with no drama at all integrating a male Chihuahua into my home with a dominant male Shepherd when I fell in love with my girlfriend Ashley, I am stupid beyond words since I use nature and common sense as my guide. Truth be told, no matter how many morons try to tell you otherwise, dogs are pack animals and want to be led and, when required, want to lead in an understood order. It’s called the Alpha theory and a stunning number of idiots continue to insist that what you’d see if you spent any time with more than 2 dogs at any given time isn’t true. This is typical human arrogance at its’ finest; we’re smarter than nature. Theresa at Dogwoods resort walks more than a dozen dogs at any given time and if you ever get to watch her personally or see videos of it, all of your questions will be answered. My lead Shepherd, Shep, has been going to Dogwoods for almost a decade and all reports are that he tends to take over every single time. That’s what being a pack leader, an alpha dog, is all about. Theresa is always the lead alpha, and then the dogs have to figure out how and where to fall in line. Shep, having been trained to protect the human who at any given time is his alpha, asserts himself into the packs and says “I’ll take the number two position.” (hehehehe). This is what must be done at home. This is why I berate, belittle, and have no respect for people who leave their dogs outside, away from their pack, and then can’t understand why the dog digs, chews, barks, and demonstrates anxiety. Dummies.

Granted, fashion is truly subjective. What I loathe more than anything are asinine rules about what time of year you can wear certain colors and the like. With that said, nothing, as a man, infuriates me more than the appallingly idiotic way men wear suit jackets as it relates to their buttons. The rule is that a man never, ever buttons his bottom sport coat button. This, to me, is beyond unappealing and unattractive, it is foolish and makes a man look like he has a tail on his chest and a suit coat that doesn’t fit. I find very little that looks more dumb than a man walking along with his suit coat buttoned and his tie protruding from the bottom of his coat because his bottom button is undone. Good God, what are you? A reverse Satan?

Similarly, we live in an age of pocket squares and hankies, which also come with rules that only someone with way too much time on their hands could cultivate. Never let your pocket square match your tie, never wear one without a tie, on and on it goes. Looking great helps to make you feel great but the answer to the age old question will always be “The man makes the suit.”

So what’s the lesson? For one thing, use commons sense. For another thing, stop turning your life over to other people, especially if you find something you like better or if you discover a better way to do something. Perhaps most importantly, start ignoring so-called-experts, in every field possible. Remember, plenty of doctors graduated med school with a C- and even the “straight A,” students are often wrong (or at the very least are slaves to their narrow view of the world as being solvable by only medicine and sharp instruments). Certificates, degrees, and the like prove almost nothing other than the fact that someone has spent the time allegedly being taught to think like everyone else based on a series of textbooks and lectures. Find those who aren’t lemmings; or better yet, find what you know and like on your own and be your own person. When people tell you that you’re doing something wrong, and it happens to be something you’ve committed to and have experience with and know you’re right about, ignore them and/or tell them to worry about themselves and their own problems. Then cook them the best steak they’ve ever had and truly shut their mouths.