The Particular Life

This is the real deal. This isn't a blog about parenting a child with Asperger's. This is about a real grown up with Asperger's, living a real grown up life, working in and having relationships in the real world. There isn't any fluff here. This the only place that I can be totally me, unfiltered.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

I cannot tell you all the things that are going to now. I have come to realize that I have this tendency to get these ideas for "huge" project-type things that will keep me busy for a few days, but after that, I lose interest.

Here's a few that have stuck:1. Working on starting a charity to help needy pregnant women and families. Have a long way to go still, but a little help goes a long way.2. Going back to school. I thought I never really would. I was thinking to myself one day, maybe I could go to school full time and live off student loans. Perhaps that would be an answer to me staying at home with my son full time. I actually googled "What happens to student loans when you die." Lifetime student. Run up the loans. Die. Never pay them back. Hmmmm... could work, I guess.3. Next - the biggie - one night, I decided - let's try for a baby. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it will never happen with just one try. Well, here I am 6 weeks pregnant and feeling nauseous about every little smell (and even sound-weird).

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I haven’t written in a long while and I want to catch up on all that has been happening. I am going to give a brief synopsis of things so this post won’t end up being the never-ending-post.

I. I went to Tennessee, where I am from. This was bad and good in many ways. Bad because I ended up hooking up with an old friend/flame while I was there. This complicated things greatly in my mind and life.

1. It made me compare him (or someone like him) to my boyfriend/son’s father. It made me see the kind of personality someone like him is very compatible with mine. I am so high-anxiety that I need someone “chill” to bring me down a notch. My boyfriend is very high strung and this brings my anxiety up to an unbelievable level.

2. It made me stop and realize how much I have lost myself. After a rough pregnancy, having a child, learning to be a mother, non-stop breastfeeding (first 4 months) and a full-time job, I am no where to be found.

3. It made me miss Tennessee. I realized just how much I am out of my element here in Florida.

4. I had a long, long talk with my grandmother on my way out of town and finally the truth she had been telling me for so long, hit home. My boyfriend and I have been struggling to make things work. I mean, STA-RUG-LING. She reminded me that

I have been living as a backslidden Christian and BabyDaddy is not saved. I have been craving for God in my life for many years and have had many failed attempts to come back to Him. We have been laboring in vain. What I wasn’t sure about now (beginning about the sixth month of our relationship) was, is this the relationship that I want? Is this the person I want to labor with?

She also made me realize that I will never get on the path which leads to God’s purpose for my life until I am seeking Him first and my life is in line with His will. This is something I’ve known, but didn’t want to come full realization of because it’s going to take a lot of hard changes to bring about. I have thought for the last couple of years that even though I am living with BabyDaddy unmarried, surely God sees my heart and knows that we are in a “committed” relationship and it is not sin. Well, ya know, we can’t really bend God’s Word so.

So, it was clear to me; a decision would have to be made out of the following two choices:

1) Stay with BabyDaddy so that Baby can be raised in a two parent household. This would include finding someway to quit having sex until we get married. Can you imagine explaining this to a continually sex-loving 30 something year old man who doesn’t really feel God's pull for these things like I do? And there’s the decision of do I even WANT to get married again? It didn’t go so well the first time.

2) We can separate and not have to worry about all these things. The things we WILL have to worry about in this scenario are monumental, in my opinion. I'm not sure that I should bore you will all the details of this decision. Any readership I possibly have may be lost if I continue to beleaguer you will details. Basically, Baby would not get to see his Dad much if we separated. Also, we both feel very strongly about raising him in an two parent home.

II. To add to everything, upon my return home from Tennessee, BabyDaddy found out that I had been with this guy in Tennessee. I eventually told him EVERYTHING. Needless to say, he was very angry and upset.

I returned feeling extremely confused about everything because of many reasons. One, I thrive on fun. I just had a plain, old fun time. Of course I did. I was on a mini-vacation. Away from home, away from the baby, no responsibilities, time to just chill. Also, as I said before, it made me question the compatibility of my boyfriend and me more than ever. We are like oil and water. Being with my friend reminded me of some of the good times when I was married. My ex-husband and I flowed together, just as I had with this friend. Now, there were problems, of course, or we wouldn’t be divorced. The first week back from Tennessee, I had to force on myself the fact that the grass is NOT always greener. I know for a fact that this friend is not meant to be a part of my life. He is not for me. I had to let him go.

I was not sure where things stood between me and BabyDaddy – not sure what my feelings were. I came home feeling like we were not going to continue this relationship. I told him we were through.

It also made me realize that I really need to do something with my life. I’m tired of always thinking about it or talking about it to the people I trust. I have just been being carried along in the waves of the sea and going where ever life takes me…physically, mentally, spiritually and morally. It is no wonder that my mind is in chaos. If I have no goals, on intentions, I have none. I’m going nowhere. Being in Tennessee made me get back to my roots. It made me remember what I want in life.

III. BabyDaddy’s reaction to what I did in Tennessee was totally the opposite of what was expected. Initially, he was extremely upset. After a little bit of time though, he had this drastic overhaul of himself. He started changing things that I had been grumping about for almost three years now. He starting cleaning while he was at home with our son during the day. Going out of his way to do things to make life easier for me. Researching and understanding how Aspergers affects me. He started going to bed at a decent time instead of staying up all night playing video games. He gets up around 6 or 7am to wash dishes to get it out of the way before Baby wakes up. He has been more patient with me, more understanding. So many things, I cannot remember. I must say, wow! I have never known a man who is so willing to change himself to make things work out. He has been changing slowly over the last year (i.e. – quitting drinking), but this is unbelievable. He doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me because I know it already. That’s how it should be in a relationship!

I have asked for God’s and BabyDaddy’s forgiveness for the wrong I did in Tennessee. I do not want to be that kind of woman. BabyDaddy is more reluctant to forgive than God, though. He wants to continue our relationship, but is, understandably, having trouble letting go. We have finally met somewhere in the middle and decided to take it day by day. We are in a “trial” period…trying to see if we can get along good enough to even give it a go. I do not want to be in a relationship with him again unless I am truly committed to this and intend to make it last and follow through to marriage.

The internet and cable got turned off in the last couple of weeks, so we have been without our main source of entertainment. BabyDaddy no longer has his games, I no longer spend hours upon hours wasting time online or in front of the tv. We have started to communicate now. Instead of sitting face to face with our computers, we are now sitting face to face at the dining room table talking.

It is late, I am going to have to continue this later. This brief synopsis has become the never-ending post I was trying to keep it from being

Topics for the next post:

God has been giving me some clear ideas to meditate on in the last month.

1. Sacrifices – Psalm 50 and 51

Heart of Worship – Passion (WORDS – sacrifice)

2. Humility, pride, righteousness (Pharisees had no need for Jesus)

“I’m free” – SCC

Jesus, Friend of Sinners – casting crowns

1 Peter 5:6,7

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your ANXIETY upon Him, because He cares for you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I am currently working on a theory that may be somewhat controversial. Here is a sample of the research I am doing. Please leave me some comments about what you think and respond to the polls I have on the right side of my page.

Researchers found that high levels of testosterone in the amniotic fluid
of the womb were significantly correlated with autistic-like behavior.
Hormones within the amniotic fluid are a product of the baby, not the
baby’s mother. “We don’t know if the fetal testosterone is causing the
autistic traits or is a by-product of them,” noted the researchers.

My internet is down for a while, so I will not be able to post much. I really miss blogging. Thanks for all the page views!

In the mean time, I'd like to suggest some movies for you.

Where the Wild Things Are - I never read this book as a child, but I loved the movie. There is something so fun, but also eerily creepy about it. I love how they just throw each other around and bash things when they play or argue. Sleeping in a "real pile" was the highlight of the movie for me. I could just feel the security of sleeping under a pile of monsters. This movie was a bit confusing for me; I just didn't get it. Nonetheless, I loved it.

War Horse - This movie was great, but I think I expected too much, so I was a little disappointed. I loved this horses, but I truly hate seeing all the scenes where they are hurt. It was a good story, but was not a magnificent storyline as expected.

Avatar - We rewatched this movie this week. PHE-NOM-IN-ALL! LOL

Being Elmo - This is a documentary about the muppetteer who "is" Elmo. It is an amazing story of how he knew from a very young age that that is what he loved and he made a career out of it. I wish that I could find something I love so much and follow it through to make a living from it. The drive he had made me jealous. I get bored with things so easily.

Word Wars - I have recently been hooked on word games. This documentary is about 4 guys who are Scrabble pros and it follows them through some tournaments and ultimately to the nationals. I liked this movie because I am addicted to word games!

Game Suggestions - If you love word games like I do, I suggest playing Words With Friends and Word Hero. Word Hero is a game I found somewhat recently. It is an app I downloaded on my Kindle. You play online with everyone else in the world that is playing at the time. They give you a board with random letters and you have to find all the words in can in a short time period. It is so fun.

I've had SO much going on here lately that has really just been too emotionally draining to write about, so I haven't written in a while. I hope that I can sit down and really get it all out soon. Hope you all are doing well! Leave me a comment if you have some time.