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Our little miracles...

Saturday, May 23, 2015

As usual, I overthought the timing of sex. Since we had sex the night before the trigger shot (Tuesday), we were supposed to skip the night of the trigger (Wed) and do it the night after (Thurs) and the following night (Fri). If ovulation was going to occur about 36 hours after the trigger then I would've been ovulating about 9pm on Thursday night. It seemed like bad timing to not have sex until right when ovation was happening. I wanted to give the little spermies a headstart! So I summoned my hubby home from work on Thursday afternoon... HA! We then had sex on Friday night as well and I am crossing my fingers that that was sufficient! I feel good about getting the one time in prior to ovulation... I just really want this to be our month. The days after ovulation and timed intercourse are always full of anxiety... feeling like I should've timed it better, done more... ugh! The only thing I can do now is wait... and pray.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

I went in for my second mid-cycle ultrasound this morning. Everything had improved perfectly! My lining was 8.8 and the follicle in my left ovary had matured to 18mm! However.... the ultrasound tech used a lubricant AGAIN!?!?!?! I have had a million of these ultrasounds and I have never had to say anything before. It is their job. They work with women who are going through fertility treatments, so I would assume they know how to do their job. The tech on Monday didn't use any, so I didn't even think about saying anything today. I never dreamt someone would mess up twice... but she did. The minute she inserted the wand, I could feel my anger building. It was too late for her to change anything, so I didn't say anything to her directly. I should have, but what was done was done. I asked the NP when I met with her and all she said was that she didn't like it when they used it, but it will be fine. Part of me believes her and part of me is so worried that it altered my cervical mucous and now all the spermies will drown and struggle to swim through it! So annoyed. I would like to believe my body will have absorbed it and the ph should have returned to normal by the time we have sex again tomorrow night. I left a message today for a nurse to call me back because they didn't give me an official date to start my progesterone... I can easily figure that out on my own, but it gave me a reason to get them on the phone. I am just livid. I am going to the clinic and paying money for all of these ultrasounds and appointments to do EVERYTHING I can to increase our chances of conceiving. I am not going to pay for services if there is a chance that using a lubricant 2 days prior to ovulation will impact my ability to conceive... even slightly. I just need someone to talk me off of this ledge. UGH. Back to the plan...

Since my lining looked great and I had a mature follicle, they gave me my HCG injection at 9:00am this morning. Ovulation should occur approximately 24-48 hours after... for me it has always been about 36 hours. I could expect to ovulate tomorrow about 9pm. Since we had sex last night to replenish the supply, we are supposed to also have sex tomorrow night and the next night. We will be heading up to the lake on Friday afternoon for Memorial Day weekend, so I guess we will be doing some very quiet baby making! HAHA!! This is the same schedule we were on with the twins, so hopefully that is a good sign. I am heading to the store tomorrow to pick up the beer and Monster energy drinks for the hubby to drink! Pulling out all the stops this month!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This weekend was an emotional one. I love that Facebook now alerts me to posts that I have previously posted on that day in the past. This weekend I received memories about a weekend getaway that my hubby and the kids took up to my parents lake cabin. It was just the four of us and it was so much fun! Typically my parents were up there, but this time it was just us. It was so relaxing. We made good food, drank some wine and got pregnant... ha!!! I wouldn't find our for a month later, but that was the weekend we got pregnant. NO meds, NO counting days, NO monitoring... we got pregnant the good old fashioned way! This was our miracle baby. Finally, everything was working out like we wanted it to. That doesn't happen for us. Well... we should've known better. Sadly, I would lose that baby in June, but it proved to me that another baby is possible. We can do this. It also really ignited that need for another baby. We tried many months after that the same way. We weren't necessarily really ready to have another, but we knew we needed to at least try each month because it could take awhile. A year later and no luck.

Rewind to 3 years ago... May 2012. It was a medicated cycle from HELL, that was saved with a bunch of meds, a zillion mature follicles (a slight exaggeration) and a bunch of timed intercourse... and our miracle twins were conceived. Well... this cycle seems to be right on track with the exact same cycle 3 years ago. I can only hope that is a good sign!

I went in yesterday (Monday) for my midcycle monitoring cycle on CD12. I had a thin lining, 5.5mm, and one dominant follicle in the left ovary that measured 13mm. So frustrating. Last month at this time I had a thick, perfect lining and a mature follicle that was ready to trigger?! The month before I had two mature follicles! What happens to my body in May??? If my body varies this much from cycle to cycle, no wonder we struggle to time intercourse correctly without monitoring! She gave me two options - trigger in a couple days when we would expect it to be mature, or do a repeat ultrasound on CD14 to see how it has progressed so we can best time the trigger shot. I am such a control freak, so I picked option 2. I have an appointment tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. I want to know exactly what is going on. If it isn't mature yet or happens to shrink like what happened the month with the twins, she did say that we could do a day or two of injections to mature the follicle prior to the HCG shot. I feel comfortable doing that knowing that there is only one follicle. I guess we'll see where we are at tomorrow morning. I pray that we can get pregnant a third time in May... and that this one sticks! Praying.

On another note... I went swimsuit shopping today. Eek. I have always hated this task, but it is a million times worse after having twins and not having the time to really take care of yourself. Ugh! I found a couple. I wanted something that covers a lot because I will mostly be chasing around a couple toddlers!

Hopefully tomorrow's post will be a little more positive! No shrinking!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

So much joy today and for some reason I also feel some immense sadness. Joy for the two absolutely perfect babies that call me mom and sadness for the 3 little souls that I never got to meet. I have had a blast with the twins today. I love their snuggles, kisses and hugs and the sound of their little voices saying "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy"... all treasures that I could've only dreamt of 3 years ago. It is priceless. It makes me feel so blessed. They are my world and I am so happy that they made me a mom... THEIR mom.

I am spending this Mother's Day in disappointment of another failed cycle. I went to test on CD13 (Wednesday) and AF was there... I took the hint. Thanks. So... here I am on CD4. I have another mid-cycle ultrasound on CD12 and we will go from there.

This will happen for us again. I know it will. Today I will love on my littles and bask in their kisses. I will dream of the little one that is waiting to be ours and I will never forget the littles that were taken too soon. I will fill up my heart with their laughter and hold it their forever.