Thank you for joining me on this journey. It's never been easy, and I don't ever expect it to be. There may be times when you don't agree with me, and that's OK. Never be afraid to share your feelings with me, that's what I'm here for and what has kept me going. I'm not a licensed professional, but I have more than 20 years experience with mental illness.
You can find our podcast, Voices for Change 2.0 at
www.blogtalkradio.com/leftofstr8

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Insomnia

It’s
been so long since I had a good night's sleep, I can hardly recall what it feels like. I do remember that after I had
surgery in 1999, it took me a long time to recuperate. Around October of that
year, I started staying up all night watching crime shows. It didn’t bother me much back then that I was
up all night and slept all day. It drove
my parents nuts, but I wasn’t able to work at the time, so I didn’t see it as
any big deal. I do know there was a time
when the medications I usually take at bedtime would knock me out. Not so much anymore.

Watching
the clock turn into 5:33 am, I am left to wonder what the hell is going
on. I’m going on three months of not being able to fall asleep or wake up at a
decent hour. It’s incredibly frustrating
on many levels. The middle of the night
is scary. That’s when all of the doubts
and fears creep into my head. I’ve tried
everything that all of the websites suggest, and it’s just not working. I hate myself knowing that my husband has
been asleep all of this time, and when (if) I finally fall asleep, I won’t be
able to wake up for several hours. The
whole day that I could have spent with him is wasted.

I
realize that everyone feels like crap the next day if they don’t get any
sleep. However, I start to have some
crazy physical reactions. Not getting
any sleep quite literally makes me sick. Of course, I have a lot on my
mind. So much is swimming around in my head; I can’t get control over any of it. The last few weeks have been an absolute
roller coaster.

The
release of my book is just around the corner.
I know that some of the sleep disturbance can be attributed to excitement and fear due to the book. I am excited, but I am also guarded. Every time
I get my hopes up, everything turns to crap.
So, I am cautiously optimistic.
At this point, I’m so exhausted that the anticipation is beginning to
turn into panic. I’m struggling through
this whole post, barely able to settle my brain down to complete a
thought.

I
consistently lack confidence in all situations.
Especially when I’m all alone in the dark. I start to remember things that I pushed to
the back of my mind. I know that I have to find a solution to this now that my
hands have started to shake. That’s one
of the first physical signs of no sleep.
I get the shakes. I have no
control over my thoughts. My brain
starts blowing the tiniest of details out of proportion. Eventually, I will feel like I’m going
cross-eyed. What is wrong with me?

I
need to find a solution to this problem.
I talked to my doctor a couple of weeks ago, and he suggested a higher
dosage of medication. Our insurance won’t
let us fill the new prescription yet.
So, I get to sit up all night and stare at the walls, feeling
delusional. I’ve hit a dead end. It would usually be at this point in my post
that I have an epiphany and understand without a shadow of a doubt what I must
do, and how I will do it. I’m afraid
this time around, I just don’t have any answers. I’m terrified of what will happen if I don’t
get some real sleep soon. I have no idea
how to fix this situation. All I can do
is hope that sooner rather than later, an answer will present itself. I am struggling. What I can do is tell you that if you’re
going through this as well, you aren’t alone.
Maybe together we can figure this out.
I’m here, and I’m wide awake.

It’s
6:05

You can pick up my book on Amazon or by visiting my website: www.rebeccalombardo.com

About Me

I have been happily married to the man of my dreams for 15 years. We have 5 cats that we adore, and a little house that we are renovating. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 19. It has been a constant struggle in my life, and has caused a great deal of turmoil.

Despite my illness, my husband has stayed by my side and I have learned to grow from my challenges. I am now a published author and my book is available on Amazon!