How Do You Handle Negativity from Others?

At some point, we’re likely to run into negativity in our lives. Maybe we have a friend or relative who likes to complain—loudly—every time they go out to eat, to the point that we’re embarrassed to be seen with them. Maybe we have a boss who berates us publicly in meetings with our co-workers. Maybe we have a parent or spouse who tells us we’re not “good enough” to succeed at something.

It sucks. And quite frankly, it can be a form of emotional abuse.

Unfortunately, we’re likely to run into negativity in our writer-lives as well. Feedback might be filled with cruel “give up” put-downs. We might be attacked by internet trolls. Reviews might rip apart us, personally, instead of focusing on our book.

That kind of negativity sucks too. And I don’t think anyone would blame us for trying to avoid it as much as possible.

So the question then becomes, how do we want to avoid it? What are we willing to do? What’s our personal policy for how to handle negativity from others?

Negativity Surrounds Us—Now What?

It’s near impossible to avoid all negativity. Most sources of news focus exclusively on the bad, and we often can’t completely check out from current events and all connections to family, friends, or social media.

At the same time, the internet has created more paths to negativity:

“Don’t discuss religion or politics” has often been advice for getting along with others—and many ignore that advice on social media.

Worldwide social media can lead to more culture clashes.

Social media and blogs and comments have given everyone a voice—which leads some to feel entitled to be heard.

Anonymity leads some to say things they’d never say in person, or to not have to treat the name on the other end of the screen as a real person with feelings.

It’s inevitable that we’re all going to have to face negativity, so we have to decide how to handle it. Some people choose to avoid sources of negativity, whether that means not reading reviews of their books or staying off Facebook or Twitter during events that stir up negativity, and some people proclaim certain aspects of their lives safe spaces and defend them vigorously.

There’s no “always right” answer because we’re each going to have a different line of discomfort. Some hate confrontation, and some revel in it, etc.

We each have to find what we’re willing to live with, from the perspective both of how to combat and/or avoid negativity and of what we’ll put up with to maintain connections to others. Only we can make that decision.

Negativity, Opinions, and Free Speech

In the U.S., the importance of free speech is sometimes explained with a quote from Evelyn Beatrice Hall (this quote is often misattributed to Voltaire, but actually comes from Evelyn’s biography of Voltaire, where she summarized his beliefs):

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

Whether you believe in that or not, that quote gives us a start in examining how we might want to interact with those we disagree with, especially if they’re full of negativity:

Does “defending to the death” mean people should be allowed to say whatever they want, wherever they want? Or should we be able to control our own online spaces?

What about in public spaces? Is it okay to try to remove the platform of someone spouting views we disagree with (such as by trying to get their media platform canceled)? What if the only way to take away that platform would be to destroy their life (dragging them through the mud in every way possible)?

Should we always try to disagree in a respectful way? How does that affect our choices?

There are no easy answers to those questions, but I’ve often reminded myself that free speech doesn’t guarantee that anyone will care about someone’s opinions or prevent others from invoking the right to not listen. The freedom to say what we want doesn’t mean anyone is owed a platform.

Negativity Example #1: The Entitlement Problem

That attitude about not owing someone a platform goes double when we’re talking about our online spaces. Nora Roberts, mega-author of both romance and futuristic suspense stories (as J.D. Robb), posted last week on her blog about her struggle with creating a virtual positive space on her own blog and Facebook page.

No matter the conversation topic, someone will feel the need to dump negativity on Nora and her readers. When confronted, they’ll reply:

“It’s just my opinion.”

Everyone has opinions. That’s not special. Having an opinion doesn’t give anyone the right to be rude, especially in someone else’s spaces. No one is entitled to spout their negativity anywhere and everywhere. No one is entitled to be heard.

My Decision: My Blog Is Not a Platform for Others

I’ve seen this myself on my blog. About six months ago, someone started leaving comments on my older posts—disagreeing with every post topic. According to them, head-hopping is wonderful, showing is awful, both character and plot-driven stories are insipid (theoretical ideas only, please), intrusive omniscient narrators are the way to go, info dumps are to be applauded, etc.

At first I shrugged. I don’t take offense when people disagree with me. I wished this person luck with their writing and with finding an audience who appreciated their style.

But as the comments rose into the double digits (and continued over weeks and months), the comments started feeling like graffiti on my blog. I went into “maybe you should visit a different blog with advice more to your liking” mode. They didn’t take me up on my suggestion.

Finally, as the number of comments continued increasing, and as this person’s comments insulted my other commenters and my guest posters, the reality of the situation dawned on me:

Some people just want to be negative in someone else’s spaces.

I don’t have to put up with that on my blog or my Facebook wall. No one is entitled to my or my readers’ attention, and I don’t have to give it to them. So I deleted all their comments.

I didn’t put a *smile* after that line (even though I thought about it) because that decision didn’t make me happy. But the truth is that we’re allowed to create policies about negativity for ourselves and our spaces.

My blog or Facebook wall doesn’t have to be someone else’s platform for spouting their views. They’re welcome to start their own blog and create their own spaces for that.

My decision isn’t about censorship, shutting down freedom of speech, or saying someone isn’t entitled to their opinion. They’re absolutely entitled to their opinion. But their platform for sharing that opinion doesn’t have to be here.

Negativity Example #2: Opinions Are Subjective

The second issue Nora brought up in her post is that some people leaving their opinions on her spaces try to tell her how to do her job. “You should write this way.” “You shouldn’t write those kinds of stories.”

In other words, they’re full of opinions. Storytelling, thy name is subjective.

These aren’t readers pointing out factual issues (typos, historical errors, etc.). Nope, just opinions—that they are bound and determined to tell the author. They demand that the author listen to their opinions. When questioned, those posters’ defense of “It’s just my opinion” usually include a “You should learn how to take constructive criticism” tone.

“Bite me. … The reader is not my employer… Not welcome. Not asked for. Not accepted. … A book doesn’t come with a suggestion box, and the writer is not obliged to sculpt a story to your specific needs.”

In one of my Facebook groups, we discussed whether this response was too harsh. After all, for indie authors, the reader is the customer.

But no matter how much we respect readers, we can’t treat them as customers in a “The Customer Is Always Right” way because what some readers love, others will hate. Even if we’re not published yet, we’ve probably seen this with conflicting feedback from beta readers or critique groups.

Multiply that by thousands of readers, and we have a situation where we do have to ignore our readers’ “constructive criticism.” Just because something doesn’t work for one reader doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Opinions stated as “this thing I didn’t like means something is most definitely wrong” are inappropriate to post on an author’s blog, Facebook wall or page, etc.

Those readers can vent away in their own blogs, Goodreads groups, reviews, etc. There are plenty of reader spaces, and out of the millions of sites on the internet, they’re being asked to avoid negativity on less than a handful.

The only reason they’d seek out the author’s spaces to state their negative opinion is if they felt entitled to have their opinion heard by the author. They want to hijack the author’s spaces as a megaphone to spread their opinion.

Now, some of us might choose to listen to readers through reviews or whatnot, just to get a feel for whether there’s an issue of something not working at all. But we could seek out review sites for that information. We don’t have to invite that feedback into our spaces unless we want.

I’ve written before about how we have the right to decide how our spaces are run. We can come up with spam policies, moderation policies, commenting policies, etc. Having a negativity policy is just another way to control our spaces. We might not be able to avoid negativity everywhere, but if we think of our spaces as our online home, we get to decide who we let in the front door. *smile*

Do you try to avoid negativity, and if so, how? How do you handle those you disagree with? Do you try to prevent negativity in your spaces, and if so, how? Do you think I was wrong to delete those comments? Do you agree or disagree with Nora Roberts’ attitude toward constructive criticism from readers?

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I agree with what you did about deleting the comments. You gave the person ample opportunity to tamp it down and exit gracefully. Nora also has the right not to be hassled by a reader–in her space== who wants her to write a certain way.

Yes, like as we were discussing last week about branding, our brand is the impression others have of us. And in this person’s case, an impression of quirky grew into an impression of bashing those who hold different (and the more common) beliefs about writing craft issues, and that latter impression grew in strength as time and comment numbers increased until I finally said “enough!”

As for readers who want writers to write a certain way, I like Nora’s attitude of “I listen to my characters.” 🙂 I can’t make my heroes more alpha than they really are or whatever. That’s just not how my process works. *shrug* Thanks for the comment!

A pertinent detail: There’s a difference between commenting on an event/action/mindset, and ridiculing a person. It’s “That dress looks ridiculous” vs. “You look ridiculous.” “That decision was stupid” vs. “You are stupid.” Once you turn things into a personal attack, that’s a logical fallacy (ad hominem), and you’ve lost the argument—but in propaganda terms, ad hominems readily work as appeals to emotion, so if your goal is to turn public opinion against the other party, ad hominems work for that even while you actually lose the argument. Which has led to some people believing that an ad hominem wins an argument. My roommate says she wishes she could’ve recorded the time she saw me furious, because it was a hilarious (and “masterful”) use of language to completely lambaste a person’s actions, without getting crass. I wouldn’t be surprised if I write a satire someday, once I get more comfortable with displaying that side of me. (I avoid it as a knee-jerk reaction, because I’m used to those kinds of tools being used against individuals themselves.) I completely agree with your deletion and with Nora Roberts’s attitude. Websites are not public places. Websites are private property. Every private entity has a right to say how its space will be used. That’s why, when one writer’s forum was virulently anti-self-publishing, I didn’t run around spouting self-publishing’s praises. I politely sought to correct misinformation, at least so others on the forum interested in a more rounded view might be aware there was more… — Read More »

Very true! This post is about the personal kind of negativity, but I’ve seen people take offense and blow things out of proportion even when not a personal attack. Those responses usually escalate into the personal, which doesn’t help the situation. Hopefully we might do better at coming up with smart policies when we’re not in the heat of the moment. 🙂

As you said, the polite thing is to respect the space we’re in. Here, I often welcome disagreeing opinions, like my “Do you think I was wrong to delete those comments?” question. But I’d still expect people to show at least a modicum of respect. LOL!

I’m so sorry your family twisted your perceptions that much, but I’m glad you’re in a healthier place now. *hugs* Like you, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and to not take offense. Tone-policing is a lost cause online, where there is no tone.

My space, my rules. On others’ space, I try to be polite, to act, not react. But I was glad to read NR’s response, because I think we’ve all got the “just constructive criticism/just my opinion” line at some point. It felt wrong, but I never really thought about why, just walked away. I had a great mentor who told me that good criticism makes you feel empowered and excited, bad makes you want to toss in the towel. Pinning “constructive” to your criticism doesn’t make it so. (wry grin) So yeah, you were totally right, IMHO. Besides, I like your space. It’s a positive place. 🙂

LOL! at “Pinning “constructive” to your criticism doesn’t make it so.” Yes, I’ve posted before about how just because someone else would write our story a different way doesn’t mean it would be better. That’s good for us to remember as authors–and as beta readers. 🙂

I understood Pauline’s point as being in reference to people who claim that negative criticism = “constructive”, redefining reality to make it so they’re the nice ones and your issue with their actions mean you have a problem.

Such people can be incredibly insistent. When I started getting praise from clients that get recognition, my family started INSISTING I don’t know what words mean or how to properly use them. Per them, their redefinitions were necessarily reality, and my disagreement with them was evidence that I had Asperger’s or some such thing—some kind of psychological/processing problem.

Sorry if this ending is abrupt, but just typing this is difficult for me, right now.

Yes, that’s a very possible interpretation as well. My post tomorrow is about how within writing we often “redefine” words to add meaning, but that’s very different from arguing for the opposite. I’m sorry your family twisted situations around so much. *hugs*

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3 years ago

Emerald O'Brien

I try to avoid negativity in my own life and my writer life for sure. In my own places, home and online, I think it has to do with being respectful. The moment someone crosses the line, it’s not a “safe” place to be anymore. Whether it’s just you, or it’s your guests that are recieving negativity, I think you did the right thing by deleting those comments.
I believe that just as personal settings can show a lot about a character in a book, one can also reflect a lot about the person online who runs it as well. What they allow and what they will not.
I loved that post of Nora’s, by the way, and the general message I got from it. When you have some control over your surroundings, I’d say use it. When it’s negativity in another place, it’s easier to leave.

That’s a great point! One of the reasons I finally decided to delete those comments is because they became more insulting of those commenters who disagreed, and one comment attacked one of my guest posters.

I have thick skin for myself and don’t usually take offense, but I want this to be a safe place for my visitors too. I don’t need my readers to feel insulted (by me or anyone else) when they come here. Yes, when we experience negativity in a place that isn’t ours, it’s easier to leave, but why would I want to force my readers to make that choice? I feel better about my decision now. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your insights!

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3 years ago

Serena Yung

Oh yes I definitely hate it when readers try to almost command you to make these plot changes or these character changes (or change their gender!!!) I mean, it’s our story, not the reader’s. The reader has no right to CONTROL our story. They can give SUGGESTIONS or pinpoint things that are not working well, but they can’t control the story. Plus, I can’t change my plot or characters unless I realized I made a mistake somewhere, e.g. gaping plot hole or character inconsistency/ out of character moment, haha. About that person who appeared six months ago, oh man, you’ve seen me with many non-mainstream opinions on writing, but even I’m not THAT anti-mainstream, haha. I usually have a more nuanced position where I prefer technique X better than technique Y though Y is more popular nowadays, but I see the merits of Y too; and I realize that the norms and preferences are different in different genres (or time periods or cultures!) For people who want to express different viewpoints, it’s helpful to phrase it in a polite, diplomatic, and respectful way; it’s also good to point out if there’s anything you DO agree with too, since saying that you agree with someone on something usually calms them down, haha. It’s similar to what Carradee said about sandwiching negative feedback between some positive feedback to make it more acceptable to the hearer. Of course, when we give these agreeing statements or positive feedback, they should be sincere, not just… — Read More »

LOL! Yeah, I’ve never had a problem with the way you worded your opinions. 🙂 This person, however, chose the insulting route. It wasn’t diplomatic, polite, or respectful–and there wasn’t a single positive comment (or even a positive word!) in the bunch.

As for the idea of some readers wanting to control the stories they receive, it sounds like they need a “choose your own adventure book.” 😉 I’ve seen an author attacked for trying to determine the interest level of continuing a series–as though the question was manipulative or blackmailing. I don’t know what the author actually said, so I don’t know what the “tone” might have been or how much the “method” of trying to determine that interest level might have contributed to the problem, but an author doesn’t owe anyone a certain book.

So I hear you about how much tact can help in this situation. Unfortunately, tact and getting the right “tone” are difficult in online situations. (Which is why I lean even more toward giving people the benefit of the doubt, but others are just as quick to attack. *sigh*) As you said, those people aren’t pleasant to deal with in any confrontational situation. Thanks for your comment!

Ya about the difficulty of conveying tone online, that’s why I flood my messages with emoticons and uh…expressions of laughter, lol. For that friend I mentioned who is really smart at tact, he types an expression of laughter after any comment that may sound unplesant to me, to show he means no anger or anything, it’s just a simple, friendly comment. Also, he has another great method where he uses exclamation marks a lot! 😀 Exclamation marks can make statements bubble even more strongly with positivity, at least that’s what I feel, lol.

I agree 100% with what you’re saying and what Nora said. Some people argued on other blogs that because the negativity was on Nora’s FB page and she doesn’t own FB, the negativity was somehow okay. But it isn’t.

I saw Nora write more on the subject on another blog and she said one of her most negative comments on FB came from a religious fanatic who wanted to bully Nora into only writing stories that conformed with the fanatic’s personal belief system.

In other words, this “reader” wanted to bully Nora into kow-towing to a hate-based view of religion. Given what happened in Paris this week, this is scary stuff.

Bullies, trolls, and terrorists don’t have to be tolerated in the name of “fairness”. We shouldn’t feed them or applaud them or promote their agendas. The person on your blog was an obvious troll. I delete all trolls on my blog. People can disagree with me, but if they disrespect me or my readers, I delete.

Yeah, I don’t get that attitude about FB either. Yes, we don’t “own” our FB page, but FB has given us the tools to manage our Pages and Timelines–for a reason.

Our Page or Profile Timeline isn’t like the general news feed, where we can’t delete someone else’s post (all we can do is tell FB that we don’t want to see it anymore). In contrast, FB has given us the tools to delete a post from our Timeline.

So why on earth should we not be allowed to use them? Our Page is still our platform–it’s not the general news feed. Do those same people argue that we shouldn’t be allowed to block people in our Twitter timeline?

Great point about “fairness” too. I could have the opinion that everyone whose name starts with “J” should die. (Yes, I’m picking on myself to make it uber-obvious that I’m not serious. 😉 ) That opinion doesn’t have to be respected at the same level of other opinions. It’s not “unfair” if we ignore the ridiculous, the trolls, the bullies, etc. They can still state their opinion, but they’re not owed an audience of listeners. 🙂

Thank you for making me feel better about my decision too, as like you said, I do want my readers to feel safe. 🙂 And thanks for sharing your insights!

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3 years ago

Robin

Thank you for maintaining a positive tone to the conversations on your blog. I have gone through and commented on a lot of your old posts… (you often link to them, and I fall down the rabbit hole.) so I’m glad you went to the trouble of deleting the negative commenter’s ranting, or naysaying, etc… because I frequently take the time to read the comments and discussion after your posts, and I expect (based on what I’ve seen here thus far!) On your blog I Expect intelligent, respectful conversation. And I find it. 🙂 So Thank You for maintaining a nice space for me to visit.

I believe the internet would benefit greatly from more of us remembering my mama’s advice – if you have nothing good to say, say nothing.

Yes, at first my shrugging attitude included the thought of “oh, they’re old posts, no one else will see these comments.” But it’s still not right to attack other commenters or my guest posters, no matter how old the post is. 🙂 Thanks for backing me up on that thought!

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3 years ago

Robin

your old posts are definitely getting read. 😀 Many of them are quite helpful

Hi Jami, I’ve been MIA from (taking a long holiday/post-holiday break) but I’m back. I agree with those before who said you did the right thing. Even if you had “let it go too long” as some have said, I can understand why you give the benefit of doubt in general. I’m the same way. Sometimes it really is someone having an off day, and either didn’t fully mean what they first said, or would’ve said it more tactfully. I certainly had my troll-ish moments a few years back, which got me banned on one forum, and contrary to popular belief, I LEARNED from that. That may not be the case for the vast majority on the internet, but I do respect someone for at least trying to be better after a big blow up, because trolls aside, we’re human and that sometimes means we’re not as tactful as we’d like to be. Still, in general it’s true we can mistake abuse for “constructive feedback.” But it still can go the opposite extreme, people so afraid to say ANYTHING contradictory that nothing changes for the better. That’s why I’m not always a fan of the “Silence is Golden” approach. Sure, most times it’s wise to back away before things get heated. HOWEVER… Sometimes in life we have to face hard conversations, and they’re not always 100% positive, even if how we express them can be more often than not, that’s a distinction I think few people make. That’s why I… — Read More »

Hi Taurean, I hope you had a wonderful break. 🙂 Yes, I see nuances too much to always write off a person, opinion, perspective, etc. I am still learning, and I invite my commenters to share their insights because I DO want to learn. 🙂 As you said, there should be a middle ground between silence and meanness. Too many situations devolve into insult matches because people hold themselves back until they lose all sense of trying to find common ground, so I think reasonable discussion about difficult topics is important. Great example of how the feedback from others might not match the story we want to tell. As you discovered, the protagonist might not be the most powerful of character personalities and that’s okay. If it’s their story, it’s their story. “There’s a BIG difference between considering your readers … versus pandering to them.” Yes! Exactly! Considering our readers, target market, etc. is just smart. We get to decide who that group is though. We might want our audience to be readers who are okay with A or who enjoy B, etc. But that’s completely different from trying to deliver the exact book any one of them wants. Because THAT? That would be impossible. 😉 Fantastic point about how there’s a difference between refusing to pander and being unappreciative. And I think that’s the nuance being lost from the lack of context with Nora’s quotes. Her words on their own might sound both non-pandering and unappreciative. However, seeing as… — Read More »

To me it always comes down to respect. Those who are disrespectful from the start are usually not there to give constructive criticism or put forth a measured argument. You acted correctly and I agree with Nora’s opinion on the topic. How often have we been in a restaurant and rolled our eyes because some poor employee was having to deal with an irate customer who was determined to be irrational. At some point you have to tell someone you can’t please them and send them on their way. A customer shouldn’t be allowed to hold a business and its customers hostage and your site is no different. My inclination is to counter disrespect with respect in every situation, but like you I have my limits and at that point I’d end a person’s access. Your actions were appropriate.

Yes! Respect (or disrespect) is a choice–and that choice reflects many other attitudes.

Great example of the restaurant too. We’ve probably all seen a situation where someone wasn’t going to be made happy, no matter what. Their unhappiness wouldn’t be helpful to the other readers here either, so it’s not like it could be a “teaching moment” or anything. Thanks for the vote of support! 🙂

Good analogy on the restaurant. I’m the kind of customer that easily becomes a nightmare—list of allergies as long as my arm. It’s worse than it used to be, to the point that I pretty much can’t eat out without having something that’ll make me itch, but even before that… Imagine being allergic to rice, tomato, egg yolk, pork, almonds, stevia, aggregate berries (ones with seeds on the outside)—where you can’t even be around strawberries, and even trace amounts of rice will leave you sick for days. Add to that a health condition that means you should eat at least 4x per day; if you feel hungry, you MUST eat within 20 minutes or else you’ll get ill; and you’re under nutritionist orders to eat protein with every meal—more protein than most people need. I can tell the difference between a server screwup and a kitchen screwup. When I do eat out, I encounter some kind of screwup probably 1/3 of the time, if not more. Servers are always so relieved when I don’t hold kitchen mistakes against them. I also make sure to tip well—with excellent service getting a tip high enough to be considered excessive. But you know what? Those servers recognize me the next time, remember some details about me, and make sure to work my table, probably telling their co-workers about all the allergies to dissuade them from wanting to deal with me. I’ve even had a server notice when I forgot to say “No X”… — Read More »

Great example! I have a few minor allergies (nothing like yours), and I always feel bad for being “difficult,” so I can only imagine the struggles you face. I’m glad you’ve found some servers who are willing to work with you! 🙂

I’ve actually found friendly, informal, or church gatherings to be more difficult than restaurants. Restaurants, I can hand the server a list of the major ones. Other places, well… My parents would scold for making others feel bad, if I actually said I was allergic to something others had made. More than once, I ended up with hives and trouble breathing because… I guess examples are best, because it’s the kind of thing that’s so far outside most folks’ normal that people don’t seem to understand until I give them. • Mom, in dragging me in the bathroom and waxing my legs before the wedding of my first friend who got married, used a sangria wax—and then didn’t listen to me when the hives first started showing, and then wouldn’t let me out the door without hose on, insisting not wearing them was disrespectful and that I should’ve already known that. • If I went somewhere with my parents and there were strawberries, they’d only take me home or do something about it if it was convenient for them. I was told to deal with it. And if they did bother to get all the strawberries put away, they insisted I had to be fine, because the strawberries were gone. (Never mind that I was already mid-reaction…) • Mom would make cakes for others with strawberries in them and 1. would leave the containers unwrapped in the fridge (I was often required to make or assist with dinner), and 2.… — Read More »

Yikes! And thank you for sharing all that. I won’t delete or edit the post because I think it’s important for people (including me) to have reminders that we do need to cut others slack. Just because something isn’t serious or dangerous to us doesn’t mean it’s not serious or dangerous to others.

My most serious allergy, I don’t even know what triggers it. I almost died at a restaurant after my tongue touched (I never got as far as chewing) a food I eat almost every week, and they refused to give me any information that might help me avoid it in the future. (Their response: We use only all-natural ingredients. — Okay, great, but people can be allergic to natural things too!) Luckily, I’ve never encountered that problem again (I suspect it was a sauce ingredient). So yes, I understand how something minor and seemingly harmless can be deadly.

Personally, I’d call your family’s treatment abusive, and I’m sorry you had to endure that. I’m glad that distance is helping you feel better about speaking up for yourself. You deserve it! *hugs*

As a note for anyone unfamiliar with allergies—allergies tend to run in packs, because one being triggered leaves you vulnerable to developing another, and they often don’t develop at all without a health condition (or five) leaving someone predisposed to developing them. Please do not ask people with complicated allergies if we’re “actually” allergic. Complicated allergies are too much work and headache to be faked, the majority of the time.

Also, if you dislike something, please don’t say you’re allergic. That makes life difficult for those of us who actually get ill from things. (Though if something makes you throw up to taste it, you probably ARE intolerant.)

3) I quit watching TV [the news media outlets] almost three years and it has helped me emotionally, mentally, and with an over-all sense of well-being. WAAAAAY too much negativity.

4) Negative peeps – I have literally had to make the conscious decision to remove those kinds of people from my life. One was a family member. Never a kind word, always so sarcastic and very unkind. I was never good enough no matter how much money I sent, educated myself, etc. I finally had to cut to cord and allow myself to defend the right of the positive space. Non-constructive negative people are a deal breaker. I reserve the right to love myself enough to not tolerate it anymore. 🙂

Your house, your rules 🙂 Everyone has the right to speak, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else has the obligation to listen to them.
Happily I haven’t had any nastiness in blog comments, but you never know when that may change.

Yes, before this incident, I’ve had to delete only a handful of comments. Of those I can remember, one was an obvious troll, one didn’t like that I used Wikipedia as a reference (because then she couldn’t use my post in her school report *shakes head*), and one attacked another author’s religion for no reason whatsoever. So out of thousands of comments, I’d say that’s not too bad. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

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3 years ago

Maggie

I’ve been in the food industry for years…and I’m a writer…and I know one thing with absolutely certainty. The customer is not always right. They may have an opinion yes, but they are not always right. There is a difference. Unfortunately we now have cowards who hide behind anonymity who think they can be as rude and insulting as they like. The aggression that is emerging because of social media is appalling.

As a freelancer, I’ve had a client communicate badly, where I had no idea he didn’t understand what he was saying, because he used the appropriate jargon.

When he was unhappy with the resultant work, he insisted that I’d dropped the ball, not doing my job by making sure he understood what he was asking for. He even claimed that his advice was professional and would help me with client communication. I pointed out that in my 9 years of experience, clients preferred me giving them credit for having brains.

Okay, I didn’t phrase it quite like that, but that was the gist of the conversation. He tried to pull the “customer is always right” BS. I just snorted and rolled my eyes and felt sorry for his family.

I think you handled the situation perfectly by giving the person a chance to speak until the person abused the privilege. You’ve given me so much to think about when it comes to setting boundaries in my own space. I always thought it was best to approve all comments on my blog because it showed I was honest and willing to take criticism; now, I’m wondering if that doesn’t just make my blog more about drama and negativity in the comments section and less about the blog content.

It’s definitely something to consider. I never really thought about the fact that I have the right to set my own boundaries. Thank you so much for this.

“Abused the privilege”–That’s a great way to put it! Yes, I’m completely open to hearing criticism and disagreement (I often ask for disagreeing opinions!), but respect can still be a part of that.

That’s a great point about the potential downsides of allowing a free-for-all in comment sections too. A stunning example of this problem is the Rainbow Cake Comment Apocalypse. (Warning: There’s probably language at that link.) That was definitely a time when the comment drama completely overshadowed the content. Thanks for sharing your insights! 🙂

Jami; Love your blog posts. You are nearly always jump into the middle of what’s happening with very germane analysis and insight. Keep it up sis. Thankfully I’ve had only small involvement with the kind of trollish negativity online that you describe. Probably because I’m beneath their notice. However, two incidents stand out in my memory: 1) Back when I was a green author in training I started an online writers group, specifically for faith based writers, to swap Peer to Peer critiques and writing discussions. I based the format of the group loosely on the Baen’s Bar Slushpile, without Baen’s anti-religious bias. I intentionally set it up to be freewheeling and informal. As the owner and moderator I didn’t want to have to ride herd on my members so I left it to the members to apply the Golden Rule as the rule of conduct online. I set up some ‘Roolz’ and behavior standards, as any good moderator should, but they were largely suggestions to a group of conscientious people. My members validated my confidence in them by conducting themselves well until, one of the members took another to task about a Theological position that some of her writing seemed to violate. He began to harangue her about the need to conform to his notions of orthodoxy. She complained to me. Our group at that time included members from most of the major Judeo/Christian faith traditions in the world. I had come to think of all of them as… — Read More »

Writing what I do I’ve had my share of negativity. At one point I was told I should stop writing and kill myself. Yes, death threats for writing something they didn’t agree with. Needless to say that commenter was reported. That’s an extreme and something I hope you never have to deal with but it goes to show just how entitled some people feel when it comes to their belief system. I very firmly believe that we have the right to ignore so called criticism no matter how constructive the other party thinks they are being.

Personally, if someone does not like that I write romance for the MOGAI community then they have no business commenting on my writing. If you disagree with the subject or don’t like my writing, then it’s not for you.

Oh my gosh! That’s horrible! And I agree–it should be so simple, and it’s certainly a choice on their end when it’s not. That choice alone says loads. Thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry you had to experience that! *hugs*

I completely agree with Nora Roberts and your opinions. We haven’t come across this on our blog or FB pages yet (we are too new) but we discussed it before we went live. We are okay with debate, we welcome it and even debate and disagree among ourselves, but we keep it clean and not personal. We won’t put up with personal or ugly attacks against us or our readers.

I did laugh a little when I read your post because I used to be the head of a rather large alumni association. We have a FB page where people connect, talk about how they’ve been etc. A few years ago, people started posting all sorts of political nastiness. When the attacks got so bad I started deleting things, I took a lot of free speech criticism. Finally I created an alumni opinion page so the blowhards could attack each other and leave me and my page alone. Those same people who attacked me on free speech now police the regular alumni page for me, steering fellow blowhards to the hot air alumni page where they happily attack and belittle each other and leave the rest of us alone. It’s just too bad we can’t desegregate all negative trolls so easily.

“Constructive” feedback, criticism, etc, can be delivered with compassion and kindness, regardless of the situation.

Negative people: I am friendly with all, but generally stay away from those who ooze negativity. Life is too stressful on its own. I also can’t imagine a negative crowd has much joy on the day to day.

Reviews: I prefer to think I’m providing my “thoughts” on a given book. I do my best to comment on the high points. I might allude to blah-blah-blah that I’m might have liked better, but never in a disparaging way. (I find that most challenging when I’ve promised a review in exchange for a book that winds up being a total let-down.) If I don’t care for it–like the last one I read–I just keep MHO to myself.

Finally, making gratitude a practice tends to repel negativity (kind of like peppermint to mice and garlic to vampires, I guess. 😉 )

Yes, I tend not to review books I don’t like because I don’t want to focus on negative things. But I completely support those who review all kinds of books at all kinds of interest levels–just not in the author’s spaces. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your insights!

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3 years ago

Pat Ireland

Hi Jami, I think you are absolutely right. There are a lot of people who seem to get confused by the difference between having the right to an opinion, and having the right to an audience. The kind of drama, negativity, and trolling that you talk about is the main reason I tend to avoid reading comments (on practically any site — although I will definitely be reading the comments here from now on).

I just wanted to say thank you for a great blog. I’m learning a lot from reading your posts. And it’s such a treat to find a site where the discussion is so fantastic.

Whenever I hear people insisting that others are obligated to listen to their opinions, it always reminds me of why an opinion is like an anus: everybody has one, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to walk around inflicting their own on everybody they meet. Nobody particularly enjoys having one shoved in their face. (And as often as not, they turn out to be full of, er, excrement anyway.)

Great post, Jami, and great comments. At first I thought Nora Roberts’ words a bit harsh so I popped over and read her post. Hmm, not so harsh after all. Love her analogy about what one would or would not say to a party hostess. What we’re talking about here are interpersonal boundaries. Bottom line: you can do whatever you want in your space. You cannot do whatever you want in my space. And my space includes my “territory” on the Internet i.e. blog, Facebook page, etc. and it includes my ears. I am not required to listen to you. The one area where I think Nora was being a little, not harsh necessarily, but maybe too black and white is regarding readers’ comments on how to write. On the one hand, I get what she’s saying, and I chuckled at the “books don’t come with suggestion boxes” line. But I think we need to keep in mind the reader’s demeanor when they make “suggestions.” Sometimes people think they are being constructive. They mean well, but they just don’t realize that they don’t know enough to know that they don’t know enough. I received an email recently from a gentleman who said he had enjoyed my book but felt it would “flow better” if I didn’t try so hard to find “just the right word.” I was a little taken aback since this contradicted much of the positive feedback I hear about my writing. Then he gave an example: Why… — Read More »

Yes, taken alone, her quote could be harsh, but in context, most would understand the message she was trying to get across. I’ve often thought of my blog as being my online home, so the party example is one I’ve used myself before. 🙂

Back in grade school, one of my teachers explained freedom as the ability to do what you want as long as it doesn’t affect others’ freedoms to do what they want. Although simplistic, it works in many cases. And in my spaces, I want freedom from negativity. 🙂 And I like how you include your ears in that list too. That’s exactly how I feel about not being held hostage to be someone else’s audience.

I also agree that intention can come into play with comments from readers. Someone who “doesn’t get it” is different from someone who veers toward attacking or insulting. I’d probably ignore emails of the latter and give non-committal answers to the former too. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your insights!

[…] Shery Ma Belle Arrieta-Russ shares helpful writing tips for creative writers, Jami Gold explores the ways we handle the negativity of others, and Allison Brennan brings a great perspective over whether writing fast should be the goal of […]

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3 years ago

Justine Sebastian

Hi, Jami! It’s my first comment here on your blog though I’ve been reading for a while now—I love your content. ::big grin:: I found this post in particular interesting and I absolutely agree that negativity should be kept out of your space if that’s how you want it. Though some people seem to thrive on it. There are communities on sites like Live Journal that focus on nothing BUT negativity—but they do it under the guise of Social Justice (haha, no). I do try to avoid negativity, but I can’t always do that. I’ve received negativity from the passive-aggressive to outright ranting blow-ups. To be frank, I prefer the blow-ups because nothing irritates me more that passive-aggressiveness. Regardless, I don’t sit back and take it because my particular view is “you brought it TO ME” and therefore, I will address it unless it’s something unbelievably ridiculous. The ones I dislike the most though are the comments/reviews I (and probably everyone else at some point) get where it is OBVIOUS the reader/reviewer is only nitpicking because they feel they have to dislike SOMETHING about the work. I had one reviewer gush at me about a story I wrote only to go on to say, “But I didn’t like the sailboats.” Another complained about the size of the paragraphs in another story. I mean, really? REALLY? Heh. Jeeze. I don’t outright try to prevent negativity—I think that’s impossible because this is the internet and people have opinions they indeed feel entitled… — Read More »

I very well might have let this commenter go on too long, so I won’t disagree with you there. 😉 In my defense, I kept giving them the benefit of the doubt because their views were so odd that I couldn’t decide if I was being punked or not. Especially given that one of the comments praised the author known as such a bad writer that a “bad writing” contest is named after him. I praised the commenter for their irony, but no, they were serious. LOL!

I understand the line you’re drawing about whether or not a reader is a customer. I suspect this comes down to semantics. Are readers who pay us for our work customers? Yes, absolutely. But are they the “the customer is always right” type of customer? No.

I see nuances in most situations, so I can see how she probably meant the second meaning for the word, and thus, I agree with her. However, if we were to take a literal meaning only, I can agree the phrase would be too harsh. I’m not going to wordsmith Nora Roberts, however, so I’ll just give her the benefit of the doubt. 😀 Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

There distinct differences between negativity, constructive criticism, and rudeness. When someone reads one of my posts, there’s a possibility that one of these things will pop up in the comment section. I appreciate the constructive criticism, so I will thank the person with a smile. Some aren’t as tactful, the plain negative comment. I answer letting the person know that I actually read the comment. The ones who are rude will either be excluded from the comment section or at least get ignored.

Jami, please be kind to yourself by not taking the negativity so personally.

Aww, don’t worry about me. I don’t take offense easily, and I shake off most negativity. Taking things personally? Not my normal way of dealing. 🙂 But hopefully this will give others some insights to think about. Thanks for stopping by!