Turkey Swizzlers

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If, after England’s win on Monday, you’ve got a feeling that this World Cup is somehow going to be different; that the media are going to offer some reasonable and balanced coverage, and that this squad is going to help usher in a new era of English footie – don’t hold your breath.

Jimmy Bullard, the “Governor Of Banter”, has been putting his skills to the test. He’s currently texting a university student half his age trying to get her to hang out with him in Marbella on the 27th.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

The wife of which German player was shagging around so carelessly while he played at the last World Cup that she accidentally left some X-rated photos with her lover on an iPad at a hotel?

The pictures were found by the room’s next occupant who tried to sell them on but, because he’s popular (and was helping Germany win the cup), the German press didn’t really want to print them.

Q/ What’s the difference between football and Tommy Robinson?
A/ Football’s coming home.

>> Changed tune <<

What a difference a death makes

May 2018
Spotify announces that XXXTentacion will be banned from their promoted playlists (along with R Kelly) after allegations of abuse emerge.

June 2018
Spotify announces “Rest In Peace, XXXTentacion” on its homepage, with a specially promoted playlist advertised all over the platform.

One person we haven’t considered in all the excitement of Paul Dacre’s impending retirement is his secretary, who is going to be looking at a whole new life when her boss goes.

You see, Mr Dacre is very particular about his daily routine. So much so that, whenever she took her annual holiday, she would have to leave detailed instructions for whoever covered her job explaining the exact times that Mr Dacre required his freshly squeezed orange juice and noting the temperature that he best enjoyed his drinking water.

(For what it’s worth, Dacre likes it “tepid”.)

Martin Sorrell’s nickname at one of the agencies that WPP bought was “Captain Cuddles”. Eeesh.

>> On the nose <<

Moore trouble for Shane?

It’s not just white Oxbridge men that BBC Head of Comedy, Shane Allen, likes to pick fights with. When he left Channel 4, he threw a leaving party that was themed around insulting his former boss, Jay Hunt, with balloons festooning the place that spelled out “End The Hunt!”

Jay was not amused by the parting jab, and the two haven’t spoken since.

Shane is getting on much better with the BBC brass, but he might want to dial back his bitching a bit. If his new boss ever found out how frequently he calls her out to colleagues for picking her nose in meetings, there might be another leaving party to organise…

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>> Turkey swizzlers <<

An unfortunate inspiration

Turkey’s general election takes place next week, and the country is currently in campaign mode. One way in which candidates like to get their message out in Turkey is by driving battle buses around major cities which blare out their respective campaign songs.

It’s common for these songs to borrow existing melodies with rewritten lyrics – but the main opposition candidate, Muharrem İnce, maybe should have done a little more due diligence before settling on the tune for his song, İnsan İnsanı Sevince.

Because it bears a remarkable resemblance to a British 1972 hit. Loop Di Love, by… Jonathan King.

This week’s number one single (Jess Glynne) has the lowest sales figure since Kid Rock in August 2008, with All Summer Long.

>> Public service <<

The celebrity bulletin board

TP writes:
“If you have a reader with a white Triumph Tiger motorcycle, which now is unrideable, it is because Margaret Beckett and her husband knocked it over and then drove over it in their Range Rover [Thursday 14th June] on a side street off Horseferry Road in Westminster.

“I picked the bike up as she said she was not strong enough (fair), and she then left without leaving a note.”

Do you have a small matter of celebrity-related admin to resolve? Email us [email protected]

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>> Ill-gained Richeys <<

Regeneration terrorists

Someone is currently selling a Manic Street Preachers cassette on eBay which should be worth a lot of money as it appears to have Richey Edwards’ signature on it.

It’s especially impressive as the album in question is Everything Must Go – released in 1996, about 16 months after Richey went missing.

RIP Old Soho, pt.432: Brewer St used to be full of sex shops. New for summer 2018? “Artisanal Nitrogen Ice Cream”.

>> Prime suspects <<

Getting Ant ready to rhumble

The decision by Ant McPartlin’s people to reveal his new relationship with his PA in the Sun on Sunday hasn’t quite gone to plan. What was obviously intended to be a story about Ant’s growing stability and recovery has turned into a public slanging match across the tabloids with his understandably miffed wife.

So why stick their neck out with this high-risk strategy?

The clue’s in the last paragraph of the Sun piece: “Everyone knows he has ruled out TV work for now, but there’s a possibility after summer he could decide to return to I’m A Celeb. That’s how far things have changed, all thanks to Anne-Marie.”

The implication that Ant’s problems could all be solved with the love of a good woman is clearly horseshit – but ITV execs don’t have much choice but to run with it.

They’ve relied so heavily on Ant and Dec to prop up their primetime programming for the last 20 years, that they have failed to foster much new, next-generation talent to take their place. It’s no exaggeration to say that ITV’s share price depends on Ant making a successful return to TV – so they’re trying to find any way they can to make it happen sooner rather than later.

We all saw what unfolded last time they brought him back to our screens. Let’s just hope that things don’t get any darker this time around.

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>> Hmmms <<

Lynch, Koc, Kunt

A perfect tribute to Leslie Grantham: a highlights reel of his last role, in a Bulgarian soap opera
[Enjoy on Vimeo]

Old Jokes Home
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot downStill Bored?
Seen that National Enquirer’s boss David Pecker has been subpoenaed in the Michael Cohen case? If you’re interested in his involvement in it all, we wrote something big about the whole Enquirer set-up last year that might shed some light…