Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Friday, September 16, 2005

What NOT To Do On Your First Day: 3.23

So I'm still loath to talk about the new gig, seeing as I like it and don't want to lose it and such. But I think we've all had some of these experiences, right. The hiring-of-someone-new in the workplace.Recently, we hired someone new. This person lasted exactly one day. That's all I'm going to say about it, other than this post, which is entitled, "What NOT To Do On Your First Day". Helpfully, I've compiled a list of both do's and don'ts, in no particular order. All are pretty much equally bad in my mind.

1) Don't show up drunk and/or stoned. I will notice. And if you're in the entertainment biz, don't show up coked out of your head-- everyone will notice.

2) Upon meeting them, don't make up nicknames for your new co-workers. You are not the President and that is beyond annoying. Next.

3) Don't come back from lunch a good 30 minutes late and announce that you got caught in traffic. Where were you lunching-- the Valley?

4) Don't screw everything up that you should know how to do. At least have the decency to alert when you screw things up, or preferably, before. And its corollary:

5) Do, at some point in the course of the day, work. Anything, anything at all. And you see, newbie, babysitting you means it's just that much less that's actually accomplished. Since, again, I'm the only one of us who actually works a significant portion of the workday.

6) Don't spill liquids of any kind on my stuff, or the stuff of the workplace, if at all possible. I could understand if we were professional liquid movers-- I would assume some spillage might be part of that job-- but despite what people say about the industry, it is much more than just professional coffee-fetching, the job that we assistants do. It involves many other tasks, and coffee-fetching should be a gimme.

7) Respect my personal bubble by not polluting it with any of the following things: extreme body odor [or for the non-Americans, odour], extreme over-perfuming/over-cologne-ing, just-vomited smell, drugs/alcohol smell [see #1]. Hey man, I don't do it to you. Thanks.

8) Don't talk back to the big boss. He won't think it's bold and daring, or charming or funny, I'll tell you that right now. And ultimately, it's what got our most recent new-hire fired. Looks like someone shouldn't have been reading Hollywood Momentum.

Do NOT use my phone to make personal calls. Especially after my boss has just screamed at me to start trying to get the morning calls he missed on the phone.

Do NOT randomly walk in the office of anyone in management and try to start up a conversation. If they wanted to talk to you (which they don't), they would approach you.

If you are stupid enough to wander into one of the director's offices and just start blabbing, for the love of god do NOT pick up one of his family photos and compliment him on how incredibly hot his wife is and remark about how his kid doesn't really look like him (yes...someone actually did that).

When you make a minor mistake and, like most douche bag agents, the guy starts freaking at you, don't sarcastically ask "can't you just deal with it?" They can't...believe me, they can't.

I hate newbies and temps with a passion. I realize I should be kinder...I mean, we were all new at some point. But they just make my already incredibly stressful day even more stressful.

I've only worked for agents, so I can't comment on other stuff. I can say that as far as agents go, the people in film are by far the most psychotic...especially those who do the more hands on talent rep. Maybe it's just my firm, though. There agents there are notoriously assholish to begin with.

You believe yourself important and reading from between your lines you expect to be pampered. That's good. I can work with that.If I were your assistant I would do nothing but reinforce that (warped) perception of yourself. The only thing I might personally have a problem withis _YOUR_ odor, because I can tell you one thing: The averagely sophisticated western to central European will pick up onyour nationality by scent. You see, I begin my day with a hot shower (or a bath really, I often do have time in the morning) Iliberally use mild soaps and lotions. I then use an effective deodorant that takes care of my odor _without_ searing the lungsof people who would otherwise have the misfortune of riding in the same elevator with me. You Americans however apparently start every secondday with a shower and to make up for that spray yourself with some of the most noxious deodorants and potent parfumes. I can only imagine that exuding such a stench may have once served in the past to fend off bears and wolves in the wilderness...