~ Sharing My Story, So We Can Each Edit Our Own

Monthly Archives: March 2014

This question has come up a few times in the last few months when I have been chatting with other parents:

How do you know the difference between pushing your child and teaching them to follow through with their commitment?

For example, Arrine is in gymnastics and dance classes. The majority of the time she is excited to participate and listens and looks forward to class. But I remember a specific gymnastic night when she just wasn’t into it. She wouldn’t listen to her coach and kept coming over to me. And I told her, “If you don’t listen and behave, we will just go home.” And that we did. After a few tears and judgey looks from other parents, we packed up and headed home. She was tired and moody and I wasn’t going to fight with her on it. Nick has had a similar experience with dance too. Again, these are very rare occurrences, but when they do happen, how should we handle it?

I have vowed to never be a Toddlers &Tiaras mom, where I am pushing my daughter to participate in things she really doesn’t want to do. But what if I register her in dance next season and half way through she decides she never wants to go again. Do I just allow her to stop going? How does this teach values of commitment and dedication and being accountable? I do realize she is only four, but at what age do you need to be forceful with this? And I do really see promise in her as a dancer, and so does her instructor, so is Arrine really the best judge of what’s best for her right now? Since she is still just a young kid?

Then I think of Tiger Woods. His father was dedicated to his golf when Tiger was so young. I am sure there were days when Tiger didn’t want to practice – like c’mon, he’s a kid – but how did his father know to stay committed to his son? And how did he accomplish it without creating resentment between golf and Tiger and himself? You want your child to learn the importance of finishing something, but at what cost? Do you become a Toddlers & Tiaras mom and force them to finish out the season? And then try something new when the commitment is over?

Is it seeing the love of the activity within your child and knowing that sometimes they will have an off day and let it go? Is that what we need to know to keep pushing? Maybe it comes down to their age and what’s an appropriate expectation?

I think this is the post where I have asked the most questions and never actually answered anything. So this is a good spot to stop writing.

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Letting go of my mom’s death has made me forgetful. I know March is a hard month for me because this was the time of year when she made her last visit to Edmonton, and now looking back, I knew at the time something was so very wrong. And then her symptoms were so significant that my dad took her to the doctor. And when we had that time of the terrible unknown. And then the diagnosis. And then the hospital…and then death.

But this year, it’s like I am thinking about this time of year without really thinking about it. Past years I knew the exact dates of hospital visits, hospital transfers, diagnosis, the last time she spoke. Now I think I know the dates, but I would have to go back to past writings to know for sure. And I feel so content with this. Her death is not who I am anymore.

But while writing this, I had such an odd thought come into my mind – I miss that time in the hospital with her. But not because I miss her, that time was not “her”, because I miss the routine and lack of external responsibility. I wasn’t working. I had no child. The only person that I felt responsible for was my mom. And it was my choice to be with her. She had the nursing staff, she had my dad, I could have stayed in Edmonton. But I chose to be with her. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t let anything else guide me – worrying about my work, or how would I pay the bills, or what would others think. I just did what I wanted to do with no regard for social repercussion. And my stress was only from one source. It really was a carefree time for me, in a completely unconventional way. And I am amazed as I realize this as I write.

It was a time for me to read and write and sleep in and wear comfy clothes whenever I wanted to. I only had three shirts anyways, as that was all that I packed with me for a weekend visit to the hospital in Saskatoon and then I never went back home for over two months. People cooked for me. Or my dad went and got me lunch. And I took care of my mom. I learned about her and myself, even though she couldn’t speak and I still don’t know if she could understand me when I spoke to her. But that was my sole focus. And had no other job to do. And that’s what I miss. Just the choice to let all other aspects of your life go and concentrate on only one thing. At the time, that was my mom.

So many times you hear people say, “Don’t you wish you could just quit your job and do what you love to do?” And I never thought about it before, but I guess I have done that. I wouldn’t say that caring for your dying mother is an expected outcome for “doing what you love to do”. But I did love being in that role. It was my opportunity to learn the mothering skills at an accelerated pace from my mom, as I was learning to mother her, from her. And I would never change that.

See? This is the reason I write. Not for validation or control. It’s for starting to write about one thought and it takes you on a path of realization that you weren’t expecting. It was recently the Vernal Equinox. A time of rebirth. Spring. Leaving the darkness behind and moving towards the light. Seems fitting.

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So my mom’s birthday came and went this year. Past years I have been focused to write about it and do things that *she* liked to do. I took a different approach this year. I decided to do things that *I* like to do, turns out, they are pretty much what she would have done too. Haha. Go figure. But the mind frame was shifted, and that’s what is the important part.

Grandpa Charlie babysat the night before. So I got him to put Arrine to bed in my bed (that is very rare) because I wanted to cuddle with my kidlet all night. And since I wasn’t working the next day, we could sleep in together and have a lazy time waking up. Which we did. Then it was a bit of a rush to get her to daycare so I could make my 10:15am massage appointment. Then I had these plans to go shopping or go for lunch or make a pecan pie (I don’t think I have ever made one and there was a recipe in Canadian Living that looked amazing). But instead I came home, ate lunch, did laundry and some tidying, and then got into bed and watched hours of The Bletchley Circle on Netflix.

Then it was time to rush to my two dance classes for the night. And that was it! I like the idea of starting to celebrate it with Arrine and the rest of the family if the schedule allows for it. Just going for supper or something. I told Arrine it was Grandma Anne-Marie’s birthday and she thought that was cool, but there was no cake???? Confusing for an almost 4 year old.

Maybe next year when I don’t have dance in the evening…I guess we will see how I feel next year.

But look at this kid. How could you NOT want to cuddle with her on the eve of your dead mom’s birthday? 🙂

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Arrine loves Cobs. It’s this delish bakery in our neighbourhood and she always asks to go. She loves the double chocolate scones and croissants. And the staff there are always so pleasant and friendly. Arrine always places her order and interacts with them on her own. There is a young man who was working there this weekend. I would guess he’s in high school and very personable. He asked Arrine how old she was and then more questions about her upcoming birthday party. He said he has younger sisters and that supported his easy connecting with Arrine.

Then he asked me, “Are you in education?” And I replied, “No. But both my parents were educators.” And he said, “Oh, that makes sense then. I have read studies about how children who have parents are teachers developed quicker and show increased intelligence. And your daughter is more advanced that my sisters.”

And I said, “Oh. Ok. Thanks!” And then I ate my spinach and feta croissant without any guilt.

(Oh, and a shout out to my parents and Nick’s parents for making us and our daughter super smrt).

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This morning after dropping Arrine off at daycare and on my way to work, my car found its way between a stopped car and a light post, right up on a snow bank. The car in front of me stopped suddenly, I swerved to avoid rear ending the car and hit a snow bank. I only had inches on either side of me between the car and light post. Immediately i knew I would have to call AMA, because it felt like my little car’s wheels weren’t even touching the road. But, after a few rocks forward and back, I was out. And amazed. And started to cry as I drove away, thanking my guardian angel.

After work Arrine and I were walking in a parking lot at the mall and an SUV started backing out fast and didn’t see us (or didn’t look). I was holding Arrine’s little hand and I yelled and pulled us both back, out of the way of the SUV. Another lady seeing it even cried out as well. So as we walked away unharmed and I was trying to slow down my heart rate, I thanked my guardian angel for the second time.

Then leaving the mall after picking up my laptop that needed work, I didn’t realize until we were walking outside that I left my laptop in the washroom! Poor little Arrine ran beside me, carrying her bubblegum ice cream as I raced back to the washroom, but with the concierge directly outside I saw it on the desk right away. Holy Hannah. Some kind woman found it and turned it into the desk for me. So for the third time, I thanked my guardian angel.

While walking back to the car, again, trying to settle down after the laptop incident, I thanked my mom and told her I owed her a lovely gift for her troubles today. Like wine.

Thanks mom. Love you.

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It’s time for a rebranding. It’s time for the external to catch up to the internal. The major change with how I view my mom’s death now has had a positive ripple effect into the other branches of my life. And I need to acknowledge that on the outside so that first impression is a true reflection of who I am now.

Are you wondering what I have planned for this? Am I going blonde? Getting a new wardrobe?? Chopping off all my hair? Nope. I am going to rebrand the blog.

I now find myself wanting to write less about MY MOM and more about the general challenges I face in life with parenting, career, friendships, grief, relationships. Being a woman. And all of these things are connected to my mom. And she has instilled in me great lessons to help me through these times. But I no longer feel the need to only write about her and my grief. I think I can still help readers by not only focusing on the hard days. Actually, when I have a hard day, I no longer really want to write. My sadness has become more private to me now, since I let go of my mom’s death defining me.

So that’s what is swimming around in my head these days. I want to still have a spot on the website where I tuck away all the information about my mom – that I won’t get rid of. It just won’t be the highlight. And I need a new tag line for the blog as well. Let me know if you have any ideas. I have a few but none I love so far.

But I need new pictures. A new format. A new feeling to the site. I know it will take me a while to get there…but that’s my next goal.