I joined a writing group that started on June 6th. Each day for 30 days we are given a prompt by Megan Devine who has become my new inspiration. She is a widow/therapist and she founded Writing Your Grief to help people dig deep into some of the most painful parts of their journey. This is my entry for Day 1.

Who was the girl I used to be?

The girl I used to be is the girl who died along with her beloved Nick in those mountains that February day.

The girl I used to be was a bright, active, and motivated police officer who had a strong compassion for people and the world around her. The girl I am now hasn’t been to the gym in months and can barely motivate herself to brush her teeth and she is frustrated she can’t explain in words how debilitating and horrible this really is.

The girl I used to be was the “five-minute” girl. When she was stressed, she would give herself five minutes to dwell and then she would focus and figure shit out. She would try not to worry too much about the future because no matter what, she had the love and partnership together with Nick and they could conquer anything. The girl I am now can barely get through stress without prescription drugs and ugly cries and hasn’t been able to sleep in months.

The girl I used to be was the one who always said, don’t worry, everything will work out in the end. The girl I used to be was the girl who said life is too short but the girl I used to be had no idea how short. The girl I am now knows exactly how short life is and has no idea what to do for the rest of her life now that she knows first hand it could end tomorrow.

The girl I used to be wondered every day how she found a man who loved her so much. She asked her self every day, is this too good to be true? The girl I used to be had no idea it was in fact, too good to be true. The girl I used to be had no idea this high, this happiness, this life that is so amazing was going to end. The girl I am now is angry that the man who finally chose to love her was taken away leaving her behind to pick up the pieces. No happy ending, no fairy tale, no beautiful life together.

The girl I used to be used to look into the eyes of fallen officers wives at the memorial each year and wonder how on earth are these women so strong? The girl I am now knows the pain and knows those women are warriors, and they have been through hell and managed to come out alive.

The girl I used to be loved the beauty of this earth, and the girl I used to be didn’t know someday that that same beauty was going to be the cause of her beloved’s death. The girl I am now has a bitter sweet relationship with those mountains and stands beside them with a feeling of “I am still not afraid of you” because Nick would want me to find peace in their magnificence knowing he is now a part of them.

The girl I used to be was excited and had plans and dreams and goals, and the girl I used to be was calm in a world and environment that was far from peaceful. The girl I am now experiences the most intense anxiety and can barely breathe.

The girl I used to be comforted those who were in pain and the girl I used to be delivered next of kin notifications. The girl I am now received one.

The girl I used to be was aware bad things happened to good people but the girl I used to be didn’t know it could happen to her. The girl I am now knows it can happen to anyone and the girl I am now is sad for those who have to fear it happening to them.

The girl I used to be had fear and the girl I am now fears nothing because the worst thing that could have ever happened to her has happened, and now she must find a way to heal, she must find a way to survive.

The girl I used to be is gone, and the girl I am now hasn’t been found yet.