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Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 09:53:35 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1206
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=== 1206 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1206
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 09:53:35 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1206
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1201 68 votes irf80 egff8 6hqe5 bkq92 26ooc 29col 46jmh 48jqb 4cpj8 57ipd
1201 3.2 mean 2.2 2.8 2.9 2.6 3.6 3.8 3.6 3.5 3.2 3.5
--- 1206-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Blessed Oracle, you are the answer to my atheist prayers!
> Please tell me how to overcome my fears of adequacy.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In the remote mountain regions of Tibet, there exists a temple so old
} that it has only 5 or 6 mortgage payments to go. It is run by master
} Fong Ho Ni, a venerable master of the art of Spanku. In order to gain
} entrance into the study vinyl doors, you must travel to Tamalung on the
} Tiagnag river. There, you will meet an tall dark str... hold on, wrong
} page. There you will meet an Arabic man name Tel'Efohn who, for the
} price of only a few Yuan, will place a call for you to Chow Yo Tung,
} the local yak handler. Buy one white yak from Mr. Tung. Ride the yak
} to the Yeti National Park and Laundromat, and ask the little girl there
} for some sacred coins. She will ask for the white yak in exchange, but
} do not give it to her. Her mother warned us that she is not allowed to
} have any more yaks until she can show that she is able to take care of
} the ones she has.
} Yaks are not a plaything and need responsible children to... wait, I am
} getting carried away. She will give you a few coins anyway if you just
} let her comb it and put bows in its hair while you are away. Travel by
} foot up the Sacred Crow Mountain until you come to a small garden.
} Tend to the garden, because we've been meaning to but the "tellme"
} queue has been quite heavy lately. We'd like the edges trimmed, and if
} you could put those flower pots back in the shed and re-coil the hose,
} we'd appreciate it. From there, you will find a small cave marked,
} "Fuel," which does not actually contain fuel, but we couldn't think of
} a name for the cave, and Lisa found this antique sign at a garage sale.
} In the cave, you will find a jade statue of the sacred Buddha. Oh,
} wait, really? That's where I left it! All this time, I blamed Zadoc
} and his stupid inventory system. Hey, could you do me a favor? Could
} you pack it up and mail it to our warehouse in Baltimore? I'd send one
} of the other supplicants to get it, but they don't... oh, right,
} right... Spanku. Where was I? Oh yes, the cave of Fuel. Uh... take
} one of the sacred coins, and place it in the acrylic box, and feel free
} to take a mint. Now, onto the Temple of Fong Ho Ni! The cave has a
} passageway that curves down sharply. Go down the stairs, and if the
} light is still on, could you turn it off? I may have left in on when I
} was there last week. You will exit to the center of the mountain,
} which is hollow, and contains the temple of Fong Ho Ni. Lesse... yadda
} yadda, hop across the log bridge... yeah yeah... kneel at the sacred
} vessel... I think we can skip the parts about the fire traps. Okay,
} now you're in the temple! Oh, wait, did I mention the golden serpent?
} Yes, you should have the golden serpent back where you... oh, man, this
} will take ages to explain. I am sure you could spray paint a rubber
} snake, that will be fine. Insert the serpent's head into the lock, but
} beware of the poison spikes! They're... well, poisonous. Don't touch
} them. Enter the main hall, and there, before you, will be the Great
} Master Fong Ho Ni... unless it's bridge night, then his nephew will be
} there. There, he will laugh at you, because you have not only wasted
} time arriving there, but the very fact that you actually read this far
} shows that you are gullible, stupid, and at least 10-20 pounds
} overweight.
}
} Oracle strikes at Supplicant's ego like Ninja! Boot to the head!
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete essay describing what that funny little
} buzzing noise your car has been making is.
--- 1206-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What the blankness means to me
} Is that the question needs to be.
} Whether 'tis forgotten or just not said
} Doesn't matter; it's not read.
} Is this ponderance far too deep
} To risk a reading by the meek?
} Or, perhaps, a clever ruse
} From the querant and his muse?
} A one-line poem?
} An endless song?
} Worthy of an answer three miles long?
}
} Is or isn't, blank or not,
} I just can't let this one rot.
} I've got to answer, got to try,
} Have to figure out the how and why.
} Perhaps it's a puzzle meant to keep
} So I've got to look before I leap.
} Or maybe a conspiracy, dire and dark,
} To keep me occupied whilst they find the mark!
}
} Of course! I'm a fool! I must make haste!
} I've got to rush 'fore it's too late!
} Run to the queue for my very life!
} The questions must be protected, or else strife!
} Send out those askmes, bring in the tells!
} No one takes the ... hell's bells!
} I'm too late; the queries are gone.
} Nothing but blankness left for the throngs
} Of incarnations that were more than up to the task
} And have received the message, "No questions to ask."
}
} It wasn't a warning, it wasn't a fluke;
} It wasn't a threat from a CIA spook.
} It was a message, just that, clear as day,
} Telling me, simply, that things fall this way.
} The tables have turned, things all reversed,
} Now I'm to get on my knees and mutter a curse.
} Oh great and mighty Oracle, we beg and we pray
} Please send us more questions so that we might say:
}
} You owe the Oracle some more meter. I seem to have run out.
--- 1206-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> It's that most... wonderful time of the yeeear!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
} When the cards have pink borders
} And florists have orders piled up to the ear...
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
}
} There'll be portraits of Cupid
} With ill-scanning, stupid,
} Insipid rhymed couplets to post.
} There'll be parties and mixers
} And well-meaning fixers-
} Up (often the host)!
}
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
} When you blow all your cash
} Buying nougaty trash from the chocolatier...
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
--- 1206-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most Color-coordinated Oracle, Ye who goes well with anything and
> has a color-wheel on his Harley,
>
> What does one's choice in painkillers tell us about a person?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Drug Patient
} ----------- ------------------------
} Morphine Wimp
} Vicodin Junkie
} Aleve Taking too many pills
} Nitrous oxide Works for a dentist
} Indomethacin Has gout
} Tylenol Boring
} Tylenol/codeine Boring junkie
} Placebo Gullible
} Ibuprofen Thinks he's an athlete
} Aspirin Cheapskate
}
} You owe the Oracle a rush of endorphins.
--- 1206-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Sid Dabster
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Graceful supplicants and geeks too bright
> Should twice a day the Oracle praise resound,
> While their boot clad feet bound so tight,
> In MTV measure three times beat the ground.
> I can't relish the Oracle more!
>
> How can I get more people interested in you,
> the great and wonderful Oracle?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I tell ya babe, it's all about image.
}
} I don't know. Look I hired you to try to get me a bit more of
} an audience, and I appreciate all the work you've done, but I
} just can't help to think that all this isn't really "me".
}
} Orrie, baby, sweetheart. I've been making folks over for years.
} All the big names come to me. You think Jerry Mathers, Dawn
} Welles, and Chris Cross would be where they are today without
} me? Of course not! But before I work miracles, I gotta have trust,
} babe.
}
} I guess. Can we go over all this again?
}
} Sure thing, sweetheart. First, we've got the Calendar.
}
} I can't believe you talked me into doing this. I'm not sure
} that it's the "All Knowing" image I wanted to project.
}
} Bubbula, it's showing your playful, fun loving self, besides,
} you're *the* topic on Leno, Letterman and Koppel.
}
} As their monologue. It was the first time that Koppel even
} did a monologue.
}
} Sweetheart, it's name! They're giving you name! Then there was
} the talk show you did.
}
} Ooh, yeah, that didn't go well at all.
}
} The public loved it babe! You got huge ratings!
}
} I reduced half of the panel to ash.
}
} And trust me babe, when the court cases start hitting the wire,
} you'll be bigger than O. J. And of course, we've got the
} infomercial.
}
} Oh. Yeah. My "infomercial".
}
} Bubbie, you're still not upset that I got George Foreman to be
} in those with you?
}
} No, I can understand why you picked him though, those were
} his infomercial. I had, what, six lines in the whole thing?
} And most of them were saying how wonderful his grill is.
}
} And you were fan-tastic! I told you, it's all about exposure!
}
} I thought you said it was all about image.
}
} Eh, exposure, image, it's all the same thing. Now, let's talk about
} doing that mall tour.
}
} Uhm, Richard?
}
} Dick, baby, call me Dick.
}
} Oh, frequently. I don't think that this is quite working out.
} I think that I should stick with my quiet little terminal at
} the temple.
}
} Orrie! Don't chicken out now, things are just getting started!
}
} That may be, but I think it's about time for you to start
} dealing with my staff.
}
} You mean the priests?
}
} No, the other one. Can you stand here for a sec? A little more
} to the left. Perfect. Now a big smile for your maker.
}
} No problem, babe. Say, where's the cam
}
} You owe the Oracle something to get the burn marks off the floor and
} as many copies of that damn calendar as you can find.
--- 1206-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Silly Oracle, you aren't there. You can't be. I just met a guy on a
> cruise ship who claimed to be your brother. He said you were all a
> fake! If anyone should know, it would be your own brother, right?
>
> Do you have a fake brother who is telling lies about you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No.
}
} Erm, young lady... what guys tell you on cruise ships, well, sometimes
} it isn't exactly true.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invite to your baby shower.
--- 1206-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Orrie, babe, bit of a psych-junta here, help me out, wouldja?
> See, it's like this. We're making this film, but the plot
> sticks whenever the Daleks have to go upstairs. Now, when you
> make them fly or hover or whatever, it puts the spesh budget up
> about a million smackers. So, what I'm wondering is, in terms a
> dope in a suit like me can understand, what other ways are there
> fore daleks to get upstairs?
>
> Ciao, babe.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A million bucks? For a bit of twine and a pully?
}
} I suggest you double-check the figures your prop men are giving you.
} They're probably skimming a bit off the top. Twine shouldn't cost any
} more than a couple hundred thousand, at most.
}
} But, you want alternate ways to get upstairs. Without any further ado,
} here's:
}
} TOP TEN WAYS DALEKS GET UPSTAIRS
}
} 10. Use the laser to make the stairs (now rubble) into a
} steep incline.
}
} 09. Climb up the side of the building. It's Spidy-Dalek!
}
} 08. One word for you: catapult.
}
} 07. Get a wooden plank and a stone. Place plank on stone.
} Place Dalek on one side of the plank (near the stairs) and
} several people on the other side of the plank. Use your lever
} to move the Dalek one step at a time. Add stop-motion
} photography. He moves like magic!
}
} 06. Do a cameo on Star Trek. Steal their transporter technology.
}
} 05. Convince the Daleks to eliminate the ground floor.
} Whatever was so important upstairs is now at a reachable level.
}
} 04. Two words for you: cut scenes.
}
} 03. Make a miniature house with miniature steps with a miniature
} Dalek inside. Use a small piece of string. Shrink down your
} human actors, if you can, to eliminate costs all around.
}
} 02. "Daleks do not need humans to get up stairs! You insult the
} Daleks! Eliminate! E-li-min-ate!"
}
} And the Number One way Daleks get upstairs:
}
} 01. Take the elevator.
}
} You owe the Oracle a TARDIS.
--- 1206-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Great Oracle, you are the light of seven suns! You know how to commit
> seven sins! What is the best one?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's find out!
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #1: Pride
}
} This is sin number one because Yahweh made the list and
} as far as he was concerned the first Sin was when The
} Prince of Light Lucifer decided he was too bright to
} have to listen to the Old Man. Let's check on Mr. Lord
} of the Flies...
}
}
}
} Satan: Hello?
}
} Orrie: Hi, Bezzle my ol' Bub it is I, The Oracle.
}
} Satan: You know something, I'm getting a little tired of being
} dragged in to your answers so often, and almost always
} by phone (why is that?), I have things to do. I am a
} very important and dangerous power, not some stock bad-
} guy for you to conjure up when ever you feel the need.
} STOP CALLING ME!
}
}
}
} That did not go well, though we did establish he's
} a tad too proud. Let's explore another sin...
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #2 Envy:
}
} Not be confused with conveting, envy is the desire for
} another's traits, situation or abilities. Hmm, isn't
} that what education is all about? Acquiring new traits
} and abilities to better your situation? Unless you think
} ignorance is bliss then... wait, won't that be wanting
} the state of bliss through the anti-abilty of ignorance?
} Sin #2 makes little or no sense.
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #3 Gluttony;
}
} [ Oracle glances down at his belly and then looks up sheepishly. ]
}
} I'll tell you what is sinful is those health nuts
} that spend all day exercising and eating bran muffins!
} I eat like a pig and look at me! I'm immortal and all
} knowing. Next!
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #4 Lust:
}
} The number one use and driving force behind the Internet's
} breakneck expansion is pornography. Far be it from me to
} bite the, erm, hand that feeds me. Look if Yahweh had
} wanted people to be naked they'd be born that way, so
} why fight it?
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #5 Anger:
}
} This is a sin, no two ways about it. Why in the world
} people get so mad they want to kill people or argue is
} nuts. Apathy is a far better way to deal with anything.
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #6 Covetousness:
}
} This isn't really a sin anymore. Here watch this.
}
} [ Oracle picks up a remote and clicks on the TV. A commercial
} is playing (surprise!).]
}
} TV: You must have a turbo-powered Chuck Norris approved Florp(tm)!
}
} < foxy babes eye some guy with a Florp(tm) and wink at him
} seducatlivly >
}
} Guy with the Florp(tm): Florps(tms) rock!
}
} =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #7 Sloth:
}
} Weekends are bad. Leisure time is bad! Back to work you
} dang priests! I want that moat clean NOW!
}
} Hmm, yes Sloth is a sin.
}
} You call that clean! Back to work the lot of you!
}
} This is the 'best' sin. It works for me.
--- 1206-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, most wise and yellow Oracle, please answer this question:
>
> Will Tom Hanks ever win a Grammy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You don't -win- Grammies, the fact that you exist, that your
} parents exist presupposed the existence of Grammies and
} Grandpas, at least for the near future. Once humans get a
} handle on DNA manipulation though all bets are off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bald, golden midget.
--- 1206-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle who is both a joker and the joke:
>
> How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Q: How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: One, there is after all only one Oracle.
}
} Q: How many Priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: One, but when and even if s/he changes it or not are
} dependent on arcane factors no one can fathom.
}
} Q: How many Lisas does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: Orrie, the lightbulb burned out!
}
} Q: How many Zadocs does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: Oh great Oracle, is the bulb out? I could not tell
} for you are so bright.
}
} Q: How many Ogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: Small sun no shine? Og sleep now.
}
} Q: How many supplicants does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: It doesn't matter, as soon as it is changed they'll
} resubmit a request to have it changed again.
}
} Q: How many incarnations does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: , you didn't grovel.
}
} Q: How many RHODents does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: You call that bulb out!? Sirrah, only lights that -we-
} say are out are out. DRINK!
}
} Q: How many lurkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: 5 4 1 4 2 3 1 1 3 3