surprising, authentic, human.

Robyn, part 2

I think I want to talk about what it’s been like over the past 40 days. Not about being sober for 40 days, but about all the gifts from God. I haven’t had my daughter or my husband with me. Usually my down time is drinking time, but I’ve been sober each day I am alone. I haven’t had this much time of reflection for quite a while. It feels very peaceful to be like this, not having a job, not having a purpose, and just being quiet with God and being OK with that.

Nothing really catches my interest these days, not television, not projects, not anything but listening for God. I am in this reflective place of counting not only my blessings but especially my losses with gratitude, because my losses have brought me to my knees in front of Jesus. It’s strange that I’m finding myself so full of gratitude in such a painful time. I have no room to complain, or drink, or think about what I don’t have. I’m so grateful in this moment that I want for nothing and don’t want to miss a thing. I have had times when I have had much and still wanted for everything and hoped to die.

I used to believe I was a mistake…most life experiences in my first 39 years taught me to believe I was worthless and useless. God has been showing me differently ever since.

I could list many ways he has changed my life, things he has shared with me that have been really meaningful. When I was living on the street, on heroin and crystal meth, God impressed on me that I needed to live with integrity, tell the truth, be good to people, not steal or do bad things. He told me I would have a daughter before I was even pregnant. He told me how to make money by picking bottles, rather than selling drugs or prostituting myself. He told me to not be ashamed….When I was cold, he sent someone with a blanket. When I was scared, he sent someone to help. When I was hungry, there was something to eat. People thought I was crazy when I told them what God said to me. But it was, and still is, more real than anything.

I’ve done so much hard work, I tell myself good things, and yet I still carry a lot of heart pain. It is so old, but I still feel it. I still fall into the familiar lies and feelings of worthlessness but God keeps telling me, Don’t give up! Don’t give up! Refuse to give up! I was at treatment and we were colouring from one of those adult colouring books. I chose a page that said “Don’t give up!” At closer look, it was the most intricate page in the whole book. It took me a month to finish it, but I refused to give up.

This is my life and the way I can commune with God as I listen. Every time he speaks, it is personal and my burning bush. I wake up with God very day and look for his direction in every simple thing and each precious moment.