The Secret Lives of Cats – Part 1

I know. Many of you have grown accustomed to be oddly named movie quote post titles. I will continue to do so when I feel the need to overly complicate my already complicated blog entries. However this time I’m breaking from the norm because I bring to you an exclusive story from the Catction News Room. As part of my ongoing investigation into the the strange behavioral patterns of felines, I present to you part one of The Secret Lives of Cats.

5:00am – Brit and Jemaine watch each other from across the room. Poised confidentially high atop her cat perch Brit looks down at Jemaine. He is stares intently back at her with his paws tucked underneath his massive body.

“You know what Jemaine? I’m bored. I’ve been awake for like an hour now and staring at you just isn’t cutting it” Brit huffs.

“Me too. Plus I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten in like what… 5hrs? I know I weigh damn near 20 lbs but I’m so desperately hungry that I feel compelled to do bad things in order to get Ian and Suzanne’s attention.” Jemaine scoffs as he rolls over on his side sexily.

Brit hops down a level and peers over the edge.

“So what are you going to do?”

“I dunno. I’m pretty close to the garbage can. I suppose I can just pull random pieces of trash out. That usually makes a good amount of noise.”

Excited with the prospect of being bad, Brit bounces down to the floor and sits next next to him. “You know I could probably bite at the cardboard box flaps of one of the dozens of open boxes around here. Cardboard tastes awesome and it’s so good for you.”

“I know, right?” Jemaine confirms enthusiastically “But tape is better. It’s so shiny and smells like it should be eaten. I tell you Brit, if I find some I’m SO eating it. Gawd I’m hungry. That’s it. I’m gonna do it. Watch out garbage! Here I come!”

Jemaine snakes his way over to the garbage pale and carefully but deliberately begins to pull pieces of trash out. The constant sound of rustling stirs Suzanne from an already tenuous night of sleep. She charges after Jemaine with water bottle in hand and fire a few shots. Like an overweight ninja he darts down the stairs and vanishes into the darkness of the basement. Suzanne returns to bed angry and unsettled.

5:14am – Under the cover of darkness Brit carefully makes her way over to one of the open boxes. The intoxicating aroma of corrugated cardboard prompts her to start nibbling at the corners. The sound isn’t deafening. It’s faint. Almost as if someone was rubbing a fine grade sand paper in your ear. Feeling guilty about letting Suzanne handle Jemaine earlier Ian springs in action. He figures the art of “shock and awe” will scare whoever it is away from the boxes and instill enough fear to prevent them from doing it again. He tries to wipe the crustiness from his eyes but by the time he’s done all he can see is a raccoon-like tail scurrying under the bed. There’s no way to tell which of the several boxes laying around is the one she was messing with so he reluctantly returns to bed hoping that the noise will cease.

6:01am – Feeling that enough time has passed since his last attempt at pulling some trash out of the bin, Jemaine makes his way back up the stairs. The hunger pains are tremendous now. It’s been a whole 6hrs and counting since the last meal. Silently they convene in the living room under the coffee table.

“You know what Brit? I’m still so very hungry. Would it be okay if I ate you?” Jemaine pleads to her.

“Uh no way man. That’s just not cool” she cautions as she slowly backs up.

“But c’mon Brit. I’m hungry. I won’t eat all of you. Just a little bit to tide me over till they feed me.”

“Dude. Seriously. No way. Besides you couldn’t catch me on your best day.” she jabs back at him.

Intrigued with the challenge Jemaine crouches low and begins to wiggle his bum. ” I can totally get you Brit. I’m bigger which means I’m faster.”

“Ha! You’re fat and I’m fast. Screw you I’m outta here.” she exclaims as she darts off into the bedroom.

Without hesitation Jemaine springs into action and is in hot pursuit. The sound of two mini horses galloping around and running into anything and everything in their way wakens both Ian and Suzanne. Incensed with their behavior, Ian grabs the water bottle and races after the two. The chase goes through the bedroom, living room and kitchen finally ending in the basement. With nowhere to go the dynamic duo receive a couple shots of water and a stern talking to. Although their breakfast isn’t until 8am, Suzanne reluctantly feeds them.

In the distance they hear the familiar “nyak nyak” call of the leader of the Cat Gang as she rises from her bed. Although she bears no relation to either of the upstarts she is universally recognized as the boss in these parts. All the commotion has caused Sophie to be awakened far ahead of her schedule and now she’s confused and angry. If you were 80 something years old you would be too. She doesn’t care so much for the fate of her cohorts. In fact she wouldn’t object to them being tossed out on the street over such behavior but right now her primary concern is finding her food and water. Despite the bowls being in the same place they’ve been for the past 3+ years she can’t help but to make a b-line for them shouting and complaining all the way.

The feline terrorists savor their victory and devour a good portion of their food before hunkering down for the day. The sun will be making its first appearance soon and that means bedtime in their world. As suddenly as it all began all is somewhat quiet again… for the moment.

Someone commenting on a cat-related post on Planjaner’s Journey blog today left the link to yours, and I’m smiling with recognition and commiseration — not to mention that one of our two cats is a marmalade tabby and another, whom we lost to kidney disease this summer, was a Sofia (a piece I wrote the night she died is at http://jevcat.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/sofia-the-snowshoe-departs/ and I have a few other blog posts on my cats, as well. Nice to have made your acquaintance — and that of your cats.

Pleased to meet a fellow cat lover as well. My condolences to you for your loss. It’s amazing how they work their way into your heart, huh? The pain of their loss is as great as any human. I can’t wait to read your blog now. I always love hearing about other cat stories just to confirm that mine aren’t completely insane. 😉

I miss my cats (had to give them up due to Jim’s and his kids’ allergies)!

What is it about animals trying to eat stuff that isn’t edible? We came home last night to find that our dog had dragged a plastic bag full of tealite candles off the coffee table, and had chewed several holes in the bag…they weren’t even scented candles!