Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week
2815

Swamped
by millions of requests for guidance and wealth redistribution, Jesus Christ
hires American President Barack Obama as the first-ever Assistant Savior.

Washington, DC –
Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation and
wealth redistribution, Jesus Christ announced Friday the hiring of Chicago,
IL, neighborhood organizer, U.S. President Barack Obama, as Associate
Christ.

“I’ve needed an
Assistant Savior for a long time now, and I’m thrilled to finally get some
help,” Christ told reporters at a White House press conference aired on the
Holier Than Thou Broadcasting Network ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, CNN, PBS, NPR,
the Oval Office and Al Jazeera. “Barack is an experienced guy who, Lord
only knows, can take the load off my shoulders when our neighborhood schools
need a big Weather Underground cake sale or we need to replace the CEO of
General Motors,” added Jesus.

With the hiring,
effective Halloween, 2009, Christians seeking spiritual aid or more money
from their neighbors’ savings accounts will be able to pray to either Jesus
or Barack Obama.

“This is an extremely
exciting opportunity for me, and I look forward to hearing your prayers and
Welfare State redistributionist schemes,” Obama said. “To the millions of
Christians, Jews, and Muslims around the world, I just want you to know that
I am here for you should you meander down the wrong path to the free
market. If Jesus happens to be busy, please feel free to turn to me in your
darkest hour, including a close vote on nationalized health care or cap ‘n
trade in the U.S. Senate.

“You can expect the
same great service from me that you’ve always gotten from Jesus, FDR, and
Mussolini,” Obama added.

Jesus said He chose
Obama for the Associate Christ position because of his considerable
experience in dealing with the poor starving masses in Chicago, Calcutta,
and Boise, Idaho. In addition to his six-year stint with the Chicago-based
Acorn Nutty Organizers, the nation’s 2nd largest organizers of
subprime housing mortgages, credit default swaps, and local prostitution
rings, Obama worked for seven years as a PTA Fruit Cups and Funds Manager
for Chicago’s Southside public school system at chance meetings with alleged
cop killer Bill Ayers and his wife of the Weather Underground on weekends
after the kids’ basketball games in the cafeteria under a single light bulb
hanging from the ceiling at midnight smoking a joint.

Though some observers
have questioned whether Obama will be able to absolve Christians of earthly
or Congressional wrongdoings, having never died on the cross for humanity’s
sins including trillion dollar deficit spending and under the table
lobbying, Christ dismisses such claims, saying that he has “complete faith
in Barack.”

“Whatever you wish to
say unto me, you can say unto Barack Obama,” Christ said. “I am 1000
percent confident that Barack is fully capable of taking from the rich and
giving to the poor in His forgiveness and salvation. Turn to Barack, and
you shall not go astray, like down the path to pig pirate capitalism.”

From now on, Jesus
advised Christians to address prayers to “Our Lord or His Associate, Jesus
or Barack” or “Jesus or anyone acting as Barack’s Christ Czar at the White
House.”

Friday’s hiring has
led many Catholic Church insiders to speculate that, even before Christ
retires, Obama will create a world crisis and become the One True Savior and
Son of God.

“After nearly 2,000
years of walking across water and healing the dead, Christ appears to be
getting tired,” said Cardinal Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff at the
White House. “I strongly suspect that Barack is being groomed as His
successor. Nor,” added Emanuel, “should we ever allow a crisis to go
unrewarded.”

Lending credence to
such suspicions is a new book of the Holy Bible, which details Obama’s
newfound authority and divinity. The book, tentatively titled, “My
Ecumenical Re-Distribution of Wealth on Planet Earth,” will be included in
the updated 2010 Bible, replacing Luke, John, Matthew, and Eminem with
selected writings of Mao Tse Tung and Karl Marx. Also included will be new
choir songs such as “Equal Work for Equal Pay, Barack Obama, He our man,
umm-mm-mm-mm, umm-mm-mm.”

Obama’s hiring as the
first-ever Vice Christ is being well received by Christians, Jews, and
especially the leader of the Jihadist Muslims, Osama bin Laden, who is
currently hiding out in Cave # 2001 in Afghanistan, near the Khyber Pass,
longitude 204, latitude 117.

“If Jesus says it’s
okay to pray to Barack, then it’s all right by me,” said San Francisco, CA,
resident and current U.S. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.