a lifeline for women

iStruggle

Why do I feel the need to have it all together? Why do I think that at this point of my life everything should be perfect? For some reason I think that I’ve reached some magical point in life that I shouldn’t still be dealing with the same thoughts, struggles and behaviors. I believe that by now I should be able to somehow control it all better and keep a lid on it. But I don’t. My thoughts, my actions (or inactions), my behaviors – all are constant reminders that I’m still dealing with much of the same old stuff I always have. I don’t know why my expectations of myself exceed the reality I know exists. I know life means struggles.

I was the primary caretaker for my grandmother for five years. In those five years I daily, yes daily, woke up and prayed that that day would be different. That I would not get frustrated. That I would not feel resentment. That I would not wish that she would be more grateful for all that I was doing for her. That I would not feel sorry for myself for being in the situation I was in. That I would not get angry that I was the one taking care of her because nobody else was willing. That I would be able to control my responses to her mean comments. That I would not question God as to why He had put in the role of caring for such a difficult person. That I would not allow my grandmother to push my buttons and draw me into an argument with her. That I would not wish that she was no longer living with us. Every day. Not sometimes. Every day.

I could not understand how I had all those thoughts and feelings as a Christian. I knew better. I should have had control over my thoughts and actions. I had reached that magical point, right? I’d been doing the “Christian thing” for 16 years. Surely by now I knew how to “act” like a Christian. Surely I could control myself. And therein lies my problem. So many times, even now after all these years, I’m still trying to run my life, my thoughts, and my actions. I still find myself trying to act like a Christian instead of being a follower of Christ. I go through the motions which, on the surface, look like I know what I’m doing. But inside I’m screaming “what am I doing?! Why do I keep thinking like this or behaving like that?!”

The answer is not a simple one. There’s no secret formula. There’s no magical point in life that we reach when it all comes together and reach Christian nirvana. Life is a struggle – always has been, always will be. So the question is not how can I stop struggling but how can I struggle less? The answer is through complete andtotal surrender. I know how I’m wired. I’m a bona-fide control freak. My struggle is to stop trying to be in control because who am I kidding? I’m not in control – God is. The biggest mistake I make is when I sometimes allow myself to think I’m in control. And I’m fooling myself if I think I can control my thoughts, my behaviors and my actions without the power of the Holy Spirit and God’s word. The answer is complete and total surrender and the way to do that is to spend time in the presence of my Lord and Savior through prayer and spending time reading my bible. That’s not to say it will ever be easy for me to give up trying to be in control but my daily prayer is no longer for God to help me control myself. My prayer is for God to be in control of everything.

The truth is the older I get and the more I do this Christian walk, the more I realize how desperate I am for Him and how quickly and completely out of control my life can get when I try to be in control. We all need Jesus. I need Jesus. Desperately. Completely. More than anything else. So, why do I struggle? Because God said I would in His word when He said “in this world you will have struggles.” But His promise to his disciples that followed His comment is His promise to me. And the good news is that Jesus is not done with me yet. He has fully redeemed me – my past, my present and my future. And every day that I spend in His presence, I am transformed more into His likeness and His character. I don’t have to let my struggles take over and consume me because He promises me that even in my struggles I can have peace in Him. I don’t have to struggle on my own to take over the problems I face in this life because He has overcome the world. (John 16:33). He has overcome my struggles.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed to read this today. Very helpful and encouraging! Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes it’s like everyone has it all together, and doesn’t struggle with anything. You being honest about what you struggle with is so helpful because it makes me realize that I am not alone in my struggles. As I often feel. Thank you!

It is always helpful to be reminded that life is not about hitting a magical moment where everything is “perfect.” In the quest for perfect, we depend on self, but in our humility of weakness God shines through brightly. 1 Cor. 1:27-27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” In my weakness, I see his power! Thank you for your post. God bless!

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Random Facts About Me

I’ve always liked to write but never imagined it would be something I would do to encourage women much like the women who encouraged me so many years ago when I had reached my lowest low. When I'm not writing I love to read, mostly fiction and news. I'm extremely patriotic and cry every time without fail when I hear the national anthem. I served 4 years in the United States Navy and those were some of the best and most meaningful years of my life. I love sports, not participating, just watching on television . My all-time favorite show is “24″. I like to spend time at home alone or doing something with my family and not much in between. I love to travel and I love Africa. I like cats more than dogs and I’m kind of a neat freak. I get excited about purses, new books to read and school supplies (what in the world does that say about me?). Those are the simple facts. For more about me please click on the "About Me" link at the tope of the page.