Menu

FROM PRISONER TO THE FREEDOM OF SELF-ESTEEM By Guest Blogger- Personal Trainer Suanne Rieker

Happy Sunday SOS Sistas!

You know those people who seem to leave that spark of inspiration everywhere they go…without even trying? Well, that describes the sassy and fabulous, Suanne Rieker. She and I connected on Facebook a few years ago and she has been a dear “sista” from the very beginning of SOS. This woman’s light and energy jumps off the computer screen and let me tell you– I had the privilege of meeting her in person and her glow not only sparks you up, but leaves a lasting impression on your heart. I want to be like Suanne when I grow up! I’m grateful she is sharing part of her journey of self-love and acceptance with you ladies. Be inspired…

What’s a nice Hungarian girl like me doing with Poland Syndrome?

I have personally traveled a very long journey developing SELF ESTEEM starting as a junior high school girl…better known these days as Middle School. Yep, I’m that old! As I was going through puberty, only my right breast was growing while the left one didn’t. I always looked like my chest belonged on two different girls. I was diagnosed as having, “Poland Syndrome”.

Gym class was painful and always a nightmare changing clothes. And then one day, a girl SAW my little “falsie” sticking out of my bra and told her friends I wore falsies. Ugh ugh ugh– everyone, boys and girls, were pointing and talking about me wearing falsies. I couldn’t tell them I only wore one so I kept silent and was hurt and sad.

When I was 16, the doctors told me that maybe when I turned 18 “it” would grow and catch up to the other one. So on my 18th birthday, I looked under my covers hoping that the boobie fairy came that morning and BAM… nothing! L

Then I was told when I became pregnant “it” would grow for sure and catch up to the other one. In 1975, I became pregnant and gave birth to my daughter, and Nooooooooooo, “it” did not grow or catch up to the other one.

In 1976, at 21, I went for “Reconstruction Surgery” of my left breast and had an implant plopped under my skin and there it was…my TORPEDO as I referred to it. I laugh at the reference now, but not at the memory. OY “it” was ugly! “It” did not look like my natural normal right breast. I still looked like I had two different breasts that belonged on two different women.

After gaining and losing 60 pounds (once, twice then three times and will be another blog from me) my TORPEDO was still “perky” and sticking straight out. You see, there was no tissue for shape so the implant was just there under the skin. The right breast had lost so much volume from gaining and losing weight that in 1985 at the age of 30, it looked like a hanging empty sock so I went for plastic surgery and that doc (different from the first doc) put an implant, once again, under the skin so now this one just hung there, but was fuller for sure. Once again, two different breasts on the same person… me!

I hated them both. I hated looking at them. I didn’t want my husband to look at them. I didn’t want my husband to touch the left one at all. I would try on 20 different tops before I would feel comfortable to leave the house. I was a prisoner. I was self-conscience. I was unhappy.

I have to tell you though, you would have never known I had implants or that my breasts were two different shapes since I became a master of camouflage. I knew that when I was going out, I needed to budget my time and have many options for tops, since I never knew what I would feel comfortable in. In 2005, at the age of 50, I experienced “burning” as I turned over onto my tummy at a pool on a deck chair on vacation. UT’ooooh!!! Long story short, BOTH implants were broken.

This time, I researched doctors and found the perfect Plastic Surgeon for me. He is the “expert breast guy” and now my doc. So, I had them both removed and both put back in but this time he put them under the chest muscle. NO Barbie Boobs I told him, just the same size and he fixed my nipples so at least the were both straight in front of me.

BUT BUT BUT I was still unhappy. They still looked like they belonged on two different women. Ugh….. I HATE BOOBS!!! I still tried on 20 different tops before I went out. I still hated looking at them and I still wouldn’t let my husband look at me or touch the left one.

FAST FORWARD to August 2012 at the age of 57 and 36 years later having Breast Implants.

I went back to my Plastic Surgeon and said I want them OUT! In tears I said, “ I don’t care if I’m flat as a board– anything is better than feeling like this.” He said he’ll reconstruct the left one, pull some “tissue” around from my back and make me a “boobie” then do a breast reduction on the right side to make them perfect for me.

OMG omg omg…I’m 58 years old now and finally have two small “Girls” that belong ON THE SAME WOMAN… ME!

I feel wonderful! I feel beautiful! I feel desirable! I told my husband what a lucky guy he is to have experienced four sets of breasts on the same woman….LOL!(1 implant then 2 implants then 2 new implants NOW 2 new small boobies)

I put on one top when I get dressed now…do you know how much time I’m saving?

Self-esteem is a process for a lot of us women. Some never achieve it and some it takes longer than others for many reasons.

I am no longer a prisoner … I finally have Self-Esteem.

Suanne Rieker is a certified personal fitness trainer and owner of Riekerfit LLC with a specialty in Female Fitness. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

“Accepting myself” wasn’t my problem, it as self esteem. I loved who I was, I just didn’t love how I looked. There’s a difference between the two, at least for me there is.

I have to say the hardest part was in High School trying to fit’in with clothes. ALL my friends wore halter tops, tub tops and teenie bikini tops and I couldn’t. In the 70’s there were no “great bras” like there are today.. I had to cut pads out of bras to make a “falsie” to balance out my chest. I couldn’t go swimming with my friends because the “falsie” would hold so much water that I had to “wring it out” when I got out of the pool or ocean. Waaaaay to embarrassing to try to hide a “squeeze” to get the water out of one side…oy! And the falsie didn’t fit in any “cute” bathing suits that a teenager would wear.

Moving forward to an adult… it was HARD to try and have a “relationship” with a man because I’d HAVE to have the conversation about “the girls” if I thought we were going to be intimate … oy again! Thankfully my first husband was wonderful, kind, loving and really didn’t care about my “imbalance” 😉

After I got the implants, I felt better about wearing the clothes I wanted to wear but “hated” the implants… all 36 years total. I just never felt comfortable with them.

fast forward to today…… I LUV LUV my new tiny girls and am so happy to have them removed. I thank my plastic surgeon who did the reconstruction on the left and the reduction on the right.. he’s an artist.

Sooooo it’s been a long journey with many many emotional ups and downs and I will say “ACCEPTING myself” was never my”issue”.. I’ve always liked me, accepted myself for who I am since I felt my boobs didn’t define me as a person, it was self esteem/feeling good about myself basically that was what I needed to personally overcome.

It sound funny when I type it and as I read this I kinda contradict myself but it makes sense in my head and had made me the person I am today.

I like to believe I am sensitive, encouraging, empathetic to every woman I train, every woman I meet because we all have a story and the telling of that story for me, is Happily continuing.
I hope I answered your comment in a way that you can understand where I am coming from.
xo Suanne