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Hey Wolfter,Thanks for your honest and touching post. One of the realities of being a LTS is dealing with survivor's guilt every now and then. Who knows why the cosmic roll of the dice worked out in our favor in this respect. It's worthwhile recognizing and holding our sense of loss and regret.

But also remember you already demonstrated your valuable contribution by being here to hold up the memory of those you have lost. I sincerely hope when I am gone I leave a legacy of loving friends who revisit and cherish my memory as you are doing now.

Your great value now is also just being alive and present: a very real and visible reminder to the world of the strength and resilience of all the men and women -- here and gone -- faced with HIV/AIDS. Again, consider yourself fortunate to honor your lost friends in this way.

Just my humble opinion. Wishing you comfort now and strength for the future.

Thanks Moxie. I was just in a very weird place this morning. I had the most vivid, touching dream last night. I remember it all in such detail even though most of it was not reality.

It was like a scene from one of my favorite movies, where all loved ones gathered once again for a reunion. It was a barn party in Kentucky, but still.... Everybody was there and I felt bad that I had forgotten a few of them. I lost so many close friends that acquaintances hadn't been in my thoughts.

It was even weirder as many from this site were also in attendance. (there's definitely some sluts amongst us). I awoke so happy to suddenly be hit with reality.

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Complacency is the enemy. Challenge yourself daily for maximum return on investment.

I am as I have bored you all with having a MAJOUR clear out and have come across items / photo,s/Event Posters ect that have left me sitting on a cold basement floor for 2 hours lost in memories that I would hate to loose, even if experiencing then can include feeling wretched.

I do not feel guilty, I can feel very pissedoff that my 57 old body is a pretty robust 78 year old's, I miss the income that my pre AIDS script would off had me on by now, I do not like being in the benefits system, but I do like being alive to be able to dislike all the crap.

None off us should have to add yet another layer off beat ourselves up type feelings with the baggage and history we have , but we do and its important to be clear and honest bout what they are.

So thanks for the post Wolfter and get on with cleaning your squatters pit;

BTW when I was a squatter in 1979 the landlord gave us a reference saying how well we had looked after the place.

Lovemichael

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn