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RHOBH: “Are those real? Are you real?”

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was fairly boring in the way that Real Housewives tends to get boring every few weeks: the season’s initial round of conflicts has been more or less resolved, cast members who are good at stirring the pot were mostly absent and Carlton’s attempt at an Eyes Wide Shut-style pool party turned out mostly to be a regular pool party with a couple of naked ladies in liquor-logo body paint. But, but, there were Hustler gift bags! It was spicy, you guys. Spicy and offensive and wild, because that is how Carlton is, or at least how she so desperately wants to be perceived, and she would like to remind you of it constantly.

1. Can we just move Carlton into the Playboy Mansion? All she wants to do is gawk at conventionally attractive women (presumably to emphasize to all of us that she thinks she is also conventionally attractive and therefore deserves to be in their midst) and throw what she is very much trying to imply is a swinger pool party, so why not just ship her off to a different sort of reality show entirely? She can be the Bunny Wrangler in a “Girls Next Door” reboot or something. She will be happier and so will I because she will be off of my television.

2. Kim has fans. Middle-aged men come to conventions to tell Kim that they loved her when she was on television, and…actually, nah, that’s a pretty decent way to make a couple bucks off of being a former child star. She has certainly aged better than the former Teen Idol who came over to hit on her and get some of that sweet, sweet reality TV camera time and rehash the time that he grabbed her butt literally decades ago.

3. Do metal stripper poles not get hot to the touch in direct sunlight? Honest question.

4. Carlton and Kyle are very offended at each other. This season of Real Housewives only has two emotions: drunk and offended. When Kyle saw Carlton’s (hideous) pentagram on the back of her neck, it was partly obscured by the tie to her bikini top, and Kyle asked if it was a Star of David. Carlton whirled around all GOD NO, and Kyle, who is Jewish, got offended that Carlton was offended that she miscounted the points of the dumb star. Everyone is a victim here.

5. WOMBAT BABY. Holy hell what was that thing? Doesn’t Bravo know that I watch this show by myself, at night?

6. It was eight degrees outside this morning. I’m going to fantasize about Yolanda’s hillside ocean view until at least April. This is torture. California, and any reminder that it exists, is torture.

7. Lisa is kind of sick of showing up at dumb Housewives things. She punked out on Kim’s kid’s high school graduation, and now she canceled last-minute for some poorly explained get-together to paint pictures for Yolanda’s daughter, who is going off to school. Lisa has her own show and is sick of being a Housewife – I think that’s beyond argument. We shall henceforth call this Nene Syndrome, but because Lisa was rich before she started this Bravo circus, there won’t necessarily be a moment when Lisa comes crawling back after her show gets canceled.

8. Carlton gets mad about things people do in her dreams. Ever have a sex dream about someone you know in a non-sexual way and then feel awkward around them for the next week? That happened to Carlton and Kyle, except instead of sex it was Kyle saying nasty things about Wicca. In Carlton’s head. While she was asleep. But Kyle is in trouble for it, despite the fact that it actually happened, because people aren’t sufficiently interested in Wicca to allow her to create drama about things that, you know, occurred in objective reality. No matter; Carlton is perfectly capable of starting a fight about something which she acknowledges is totally imagined.

9. Carlton put a hex on Joyce and gave her husband food poisoning. Or maybe, you know, he just ate some bad sushi. You decide which one is more likely! Either way, Joyce went from smugly dismissing Carlton’s threats to seeming as though she is terrified by them, and next week, it appears as though Carlton will deny that those threats happened at all and then become offended by the implication that she would ever threaten Joyce or her family. Which is all hilarious when you consider that Carlton cannot, in fact, cast spells.

Yes…so sick of Carlton!! Her style is terrible and have you seen her gross handbag she carries?? Also those drugstore glasses she was wearing at yolandas were so ugly!! Quit tanning and dressing like a hooker!

Lois

I read a lot of these reality recaps & yours are simply the best. Accurate in that you get the mile-high AND on-the-ground view of these shows and you are also a funny chick to boot. PurseBlog is lucky to have you :-)

laura

Kyle has the best accessories in Beverly Hills. OMG, I want her blue Chanel flap… and her mirrored Soma sunglasses from a few episodes ago. Lisa has great taste too but all her stuff is pink. Not my favorite color.
Totally different topic -Bravo should get rid of Carlton!

jane

Carlton is officially in kindergarten. I teach middle school but have to interact with little kids during the after school program. One year, I had two little girls come up to me, crying!!!!, because one little girl wouldn’t share the other little girl IN HER DREAM AND THEY WERE BOTH MAD ABOUT THIS AND CRYING!!!!!! CRYING!!! About a dream . . .

ottercat

RHOBH, brought to you by the fine caterers — FATBURGER.

Jennifee

I think we are all forgetting that Carlton is the “rookie” and even though she has no taste *note I did not say bad taste* I literally mean no taste. Who walks into a Hustler and needs an entourage including your MIL to help with selection. You can’t pick out your own sparkle thong??? I have some glimmer of hope for her. She speaks her mind and doesn’t seem as “calculated” in her ways like the other other women do. I think she might be a diamond in the (very) rough but who better to polish her up than these ladies?? Hook the b*tch up with a Birkin, a great sales assistant at luxe department store and maybe an ankle bracelet that sets off with in 5 miles of a Hustler store and she could be good to go!

Amy

Every time I see Carlton I think of this: “After a certain age, a woman has to choose between her fanny and her face.” – Catherine Deneuve…she chose a skinny little body, but she could use some fat in her face – and she’s at an age where she can’t have both…