Friday, November 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The World Series Game 7 between the Cubs and Indians had 40
Million viewers, the most since 1991. Mostly just so people could watch
something that didn’t have anything to do with the upcoming election.

The World Series Game 7 between the Cubs and Indians had 40
Million viewers, the most since 1991. In fact, it also beat the viewership of
every World Series game in 1994 by at least 40 Million.

Researchers have pinpointed the gene that controls sleep and
dreaming, which could lead to the end of nightmares. Although most people feel
their nightmares will end after Tuesday when there won’t be any more political
ads on TV.

A Florida newspaper has apologized for not being objective
enough in its coverage of Donald Trump. Apparently they are saying if they
wanted to show he wasn’t qualified for President, they should have just printed
all his exact quotes.

A study says half of Americans can’t find anything good to
watch on television. Mostly because after taking three hours to search through
500 channels, they are too tired to actually stay awake after they finally find
something.

A study says half of Americans can’t find anything good to
watch on television. The other half threw their televisions out the window when
they got sick of the coverage of the presidential race back in June.

A reports says the number of homeless people in New York
City has reached a record high of 60,000. The good news is the other 8 Million
people there are making at least $5,000 a month to afford the minimum amount it
costs for a rental.

A Mississippi lawyer is suing Popeyes, saying by not giving
him a knife the restaurant forced him to eat with his hands causing him to
choke on their chicken. It sounds like this lawyer needs some quick cash
because he has been sitting around the office all day choking his own chicken.

Mexico’s government says they are working on a Trump
contingency plan. They are concerned that if Donald Trump is elected President for
the first time ever they will be the ones dealing with millions of people
trying to flee across the border.

Prosecutors have seized eleven luxury cars including a $2
Million Bugatti from the Vice President of Equatorial Guinea, which they claim
he got through corruption. Suspicions were raised when the Vice President of
Equatorial New Guinea could actually afford to own a car.

Prosecutors have seized eleven luxury cars including a $2
Million Bugatti from the Vice President of Equatorial Guinea, which they claim
he got through corruption. His defense is that he thought his title meant he
was the president of vice.

A report says non-financial U.S. companies’ cash holdings
will reach $1.77 Trillion this year. Although the companies say it won’t be for
long, that they will pretty much go through all of it when it comes time for
their executives’ year end bonus money.

A report says sports teams are trying to attract fans back
to stadiums instead of watching on TV or mobile devices in the comfort of their
own homes. Not only are they losing ticket sales revenue, it’s hard to pay all
those million dollar salaries without having thousands of fans drinking $12 a
cup beers.

Wells Fargo is warning that litigation over its fake
accounts scandal could cost the company $1.7 Billion. The bank says it just
doesn’t have that kind of money. At least not after handing out all their bonus
money to executives for their excellent work.

Wells Fargo is warning that litigation over its fake
accounts scandal could cost the company $1.7 Billion. Unfortunately, they money
they were going to use for that was already spent on fines for their criminal
activity over their home mortgage loans.

A study shows that each Facebook user is worth $14.17 in ad
revenue to the company. Which most people think is a bargain for unlimited
viewing of cat videos and seeing what all their friends had for breakfast.

A report says the undocumented workforce is down from 2009.
Mostly because in this economy Americans are finally desperate enough to take
jobs that used to only be reserved for immigrants fresh across the border.

Pillow maker MyPillow has been ordered to pay $1 Million for bogus ads
that say the pillow can cure diseases. The judge says whoever came up with the
claims for the manufacturer must have been dreaming.

Pillow maker MyPillow has been ordered to pay $1 Million for bogus ads
that say the pillow can cure diseases. The company says it will get the money
by suing for royalties over the amount of money their product generated for the
Tooth Fairy.

Megyn Kelly outlines her former boss Roger Ailes’ sexual
harassment in a new book. Sales might be helped by the fact the publisher is
planning to list the book in three categories. Mystery, horror and self-help.

Today is Bring Your Parents To Work day. It gives people a
chance to show their parents how that $100,000 they spent on college tuition
loans is being put to good use in keeping them employed at their minimum wage
convenience store job.

A study says 7 in 10 people who were rejected for a credit
card hold a grudge against the bank. Apparently they feel if the U.S.
government is allowed to go $19 Trillion in debt, why can’t they have the just
to just try it for a few thousand?

A study says 7 in 10 people who were rejected for a credit
card hold a grudge against the bank. Not just for that, but for being
foreclosed on their mortgage, being charged large fees for being overdrawn and
going to jail for writing bad checks.

The IRS says the number of people who had their returns
stolen dropped by 50% this year. Mostly because half the people in the country
no longer have an income to report.

The IRS says the number of people who had their returns
stolen dropped by 50% this year. To which Donald Trump is saying of all years
he needs his returns to somehow disappear.

A report says U.S. worker productivity has risen at its
fastest pace in the past two years. The increase is credited to a higher demand
for products, an improving economy and better quality bullwhips for factory
supervisors.

A study says young adolescents are as likely to die from
suicide as in traffic accidents. Mostly because when they drive while texting
it is pretty much classified as the same thing.

More than 300 people became ill after eating at Wahaca
Mexican restaurants in London. Apparently “Wahaca” is the Olde English
translation for “Chipotle.”

A DNA analysis says most homes have 600 varieties of
insects, centipedes and spiders. Apparently the study was conducted using the
homes of bachelors, college students and people from the show “Hoarders.”

The CDC says 90% of kids eat more than the daily recommended
amount of salt. Mostly to throw off researchers who concentrate on that and
ignore how much fat and sugar they are eating.

A study says a person’s taste in music is a result of their
culture. Or in the case of fans of Justin Bieber who display the complete
absence of any culture.

A study says inaccurate stories on social media are the most
popular. Which explains how Donald Trump still has a chance at being elected
President.

A study says inaccurate stories on social media are the most
popular. Which means that any day the Fox News website could get more users
than Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat.

A study says inaccurate stories on social media are the most
popular. In the meantime, people are wondering how Hillary Clinton and Donald
Trump feel aboutthe revelation that
Bigfoot is hiding out with its alien baby on the Moon?

A study says it is not the lack of sleep that causes
teenagers to be cranky, ill-mannered and muddled. Apparently they have finally
figured out those are all pretty much symptoms of just being a teenager.

A study says exercise can ease health problems caused by
work stress. Mostly by people whose first reaction when they see the boss
coming is to run.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly fired their bodyguard.
Apparently it had nothing to do with the fact that she was recently robbed of
$10 Million in jewelry but more from the fact he was too good and kept getting
in all of her selfies.

Steven Seagal has been granted Russian citizenship by
President Vladimir Putin. Putin previously granted citizenship to Gerard
Depardieu, which made filmgoers optimistic that if they are lucky Putin might
do the same thing for Adam Sandler and take all three with him.

Alanis Morissette released a picture of her wearing an “I
Voted” sticker while she was breastfeeding. Which most people took as an
obvious endorsement for Donald Trump.

Eight time Golden Globe winner Meryl Streep will receive an
honorary Golden Globe at this years ceremony. Hasn’t someone who has won an
award eight times already been honored enough?

The Harvard Men’s Soccer Team has had its season canceled
because of team members who kept “scouting reports” of women they found
attractive. If the players had only gotten that idea 15 years ago they would
have been billionaires today and no one would know the name Mark Zuckerberg.

Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman says NFL TV
ratings are low because the league “isn’t fun anymore.” Apparently he wants to
go back to the good old days when players had brain damage, deflated game balls
and regularly beat their wives.

Melania Trump says as First Lady she will vow to combat
cyberbullying. Apparently her first action will be canceling Donald Trump’s
Twitter account.

A report says misleading ads on Twitter are telling Hillary
Clinton supporters they can vote for her by text. What’s worse is that women
voting for Clinton are being told to send in their vote along with some naked
pictures of themselves to the account of an “A. Weiner.”

A report says 90% of smartphones worldwide are run by
Android. In fact, there is so little action on Apple’s iOS system that Siri has
applied for accounts on Match.com, eHarmony and Tinder.

Tim Kaine gave an entire speech in Spanish in Arizona, the
first time a candidate on a major ticket has ever done that. Although some
people say it shouldn’t count since all he did was repeat several times “Yo
quiero Taco Bell.”

Donald Trump told a group of veterans he is “financially
brave.” Although not as brave as anyone who has ever invested money in a
business run by Donald Trump.

Donald Trump told a group of veterans he is “financially
brave.” That’s just from the fact that most other people would be way too
afraid to take the risk of going to jail from not paying any taxes for the past
40 years.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Election Day is only
four days away. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Who would have thought that
when our Forefathers started this country it would have made it 240 years
before imploding? That has to go down as a pretty good run in anyone’s book.
Not as good as those European countries that have been around for centuries or
China and Egypt that are into the thousands, but still not bad. At least I will
have plenty to write about after we officially go down the toilet, so there is
some good news on the horizon. Of course, you can always make things better by
making sure to always keep on sending the love!

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