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9.08.2009

In need of advice

Sometimes in life, people come and people go. Recently, a good friend left. And even more recently, someone else came back into my life.
Let me go back.
In November 2004, Brad and I moved into a new house and a couple moved in next to us. We became fast friends. We alternated dinner at their house and our house. We watched movies together, played games, went out to eat. You know, all the crap couples do together. She introduced us to some of her friends-who we became great friends with. I've actually blogged about their baby.
And then, the husband left for six weeks to help with cleanup for Katrina. When he came back, they got pregnant. Shortly after she had a little girl, he was called to active duty overseas.
I'm not looking to air her dirty laundry, but the end result was divorce, them selling their house and she got an apartment.
We did a lot for them, and for her, while her husband was away. My husband actually mowed her yard the entire summer. I bought formula, milk, ran small errands and such. You know, standard 'being friends' favors.
November two years ago, she called me. With. a. BIG. favor. A I-need-cash favor. And I did it. I gave her gulp a large sum of money without my husband's knowledge. She told me some sob story about her daughter's birthday party and a 'bank error' and what was $400 and the promise of a post-dated check on the phone became $600 and she was out of checks in person.
I should have known better.
But, she was a friend.
And then, she stopped calling. And then, I get a text from a mutual friend. She had quit her job and moved back with her ex-husband to another state. She had not paid me back. It had been six months. I had asked about it twice, and she cried and skirted the answer.
I had to call her ex husband [as did a few other people] to finally get the money back.
It was over.
Of course it wasn't. So, here we are, a year and a half after that terrible phone call and she has moved back into town. And the friend she had introduced us to has welcomed her back into her life.
When she left, she didn't tell anybody. She called in and quit her job over the phone the day before. Everyone was upset.
So, Friday (after a terrible day at work) I was invited to a baseball game where she would be. And I'm not ready. I don't want to talk to her.
And after everything she has done, she walks right back into the fold with everyone else.
Part of me wants to forgive her. But part of me realizes I can't forgive if I haven't been asked. (OK, maybe I can-but I don't want to)
And part of me knows that she is a user (I gave you guys the abbreviated version) and that if I became friends with her again she would just end up using me again.
We saw her again Saturday. At the mutual friends house. And she still hasn't spoken to me.
I really don't know what to do.

3 comments:

It sounds like you will never be able to be true friends with her again. I have had similar experiences with people and, though I have spoken with them again, it is just never the same (rightfully so). It also seems like you are not able to avoid her altogether so short of trying to be really good friends with her, you will probably have to tolerate her presence. I would say, for your own sanity, forgive her, deal with her presence, be polite but not overtly friendly.

Personally, I would have a hard time doing this, especially since she doesn't seem to acknowledge the wrong she has done. I would also probably end up avoiding places I knew she would be because it takes me a long time to get over things like that. However, I have found that type of things only hurts me in the long run and therefore is not worth it. It is all easier said than done. Best of luck resolving this dilemma.

You can be cordial if she approaches you, but with the little information I have here, I would say it's not a friendship that's saving right now. Sometimes people grow up differently. We don't grow together. We have nice memories in the past, but those people we knew are gone. Enjoy your memories, but don't open yourself up to more heartache.

Like Jen said, forgive her for your own sanity. I know it's not the same kind of forgiveness that comes when a person actually comes to you with a heartfelt apology. But just the kind of forgiveness where you accept that she did wrong to you and she wasn't the person you thought she was. If you run in the same circles, it either becomes that you avoid places she will be and isolate yourself from your other friends, or you have to run into her from time to time. Again, Jen said it well with being polite but not overtly friendly. There's no need to try to rekindle a friendship if you've already moved past that and don't really feel like you need her back in your life.

I have also, through the beauty of Facebook, decided to accept a friend request from a person that I feel betrayed me in the past. It took a lot of thought but I decided I can still be casual friends with that person, comment on her status, whatever but she can't have that place of trust and close friendship that she used to have. I forgive her for in the "acceptance of what she did" way. It wasn't appropriate, a true friend wouldn't have done that... but as a person, I wish her the best and harboring ill-feelings towards her just eats away at me. I'm just not going to let it do that anymore. So Facebook friends, fine. Friend-friends, not so much. Maybe you can find a similar balance so this girl can be in your general vicinity without it getting to you or ruining your evening.