The Chinese shit has hit the fan. Doyle’s investigation of the Bloomfield copperworks comes up empty, as Cheng has met up with Liu Diamond Phillips and some other extras from Tokyo Drift at yet another abandoned location a few feet from CTU. Cheng’s plan, for these guys to raid CTU, probably kill some people, and get something, is audacious but not entirely stupid. CTU has already lost about a thousand dudes so far today, and the rest of them are off following obviously false leads. So, they bust in through the sewer and take everyone hostage. Liu’s first demand is to know who’s in charge. In a last ditch effort to sleep with Nadia, Milo says it’s him. This was apparently the wrong move, as he is immediately dead, shot to the five-head, and he spends the rest of the show laying on the floor. Suddenly 24 is Die Hard, with Chinese instead of Germans, and Jack instead of Bruce Willis. Jack works his way around CTU killing Cheng’s goons (they should have put some of this FPS-style, but still it will definitely do), and temporarily rescues Marylin and a suddenly-emo Josh, who apparently is the target of the whole operation. More on this in a moment.

But first, can you believe the balls on these Chinese bastards? And seriously, how pissed off can Cheng Zhi really be about the death of the Chinese consul in Day 4?

It’s not like you’re exactly running short of Chinese dudes to replace the guy. Wouldn’t you expect that kidnaping/torturing Jack, brainfucking Audrey, and starting a war between America and Russia would be enough? Not for Cheng, my friend. He’s basically a Chinese Keyser Soze at this point.

Washington is, as usual, a festering mess of sex you don’t want to see and other filler. Lisa goes back to sex up Mark Bishop and create the subterfuge that the Russian component has been destroyed, but is unconvincing, even by her icy, thick-calved, bottom shelf Nicollette Sheridan lizard-woman standards. She looks to be about a 38A.

Back at CTU, just as Jack shoves Josh into an air duct, he and Marylin are captured and taken to Liu, who threatens to kill Marylin if Josh doesn’t get out of the fucking ducts, because crawling through a bunch of dusty-ass ducts is going to totally mess up Liu’s slick-Asian Fast/Furious vibe.

Josh caves (Jack would have done the same) to save mom, and he’s captured as well. Everyone’s brain explodes at once as Cheng reveals that it’s not Josh that’s some sort of computer genius to fix the chip . . . but Jack’s dad is! Papa Bauer has sold out to the Chinese, and he’s got a guy fixing the chip in exchange for Josh. It’s almost unnecessary to make a joke about this guy wanting to molest Josh, isn’t it?

Actual Kimeo! At last! I don't care if it's just a commercial for something else. She’s hot, she’s imperiled . . . she’s Kim! Elisha Cuthbert stars in the upcoming “Captivity”, a film in which Kim is chesty and locked in a big glass room that is rapidly filling with sand. And you’re probably down with it, you sick bastards.

Ethnic stereotype update: Seems like a bit of a stretch that the Chinese can’t find a guy with the “expertise” to make the Russian chip work. Have they tried every Chinese guy I’ve ever met? Also, I found the assault on CTU to lack the Chinese’s trademark subtlety, it’s more something I’d expect from Fayed or maybe the Vikings.

Do you have a recommendation for CTU improving their internal security? Like maybe putting someone on the roof with a five-iron to make sure no terrorists plots occur within 200 yards of the joint? We want to hear from you. Ish. At craftinvegas@gmail.com!