Last we left Mystic Falls, Stefan had completely botched the plan to kill Klaus by saving that crazy hybrid’s ass. And he did this, you'll recall, because Klaus was one step ahead of our fair heroes: If he died, he had all his hybrid minions ready to kill Damon. And Katherine found this out, and convinced Stefan to tap into his humanity to save Damon, and then to klepto those coffins Klaus carts his family around in. To exact revenge. Of course, Damon and Elena and everybody else didn’t know all of this information; they just thought Stefan was lost to them forever. So Klaus killed Mikael, skipped town, granted Stefan his freedom and Stefan skipped town, too. Or so we thought…

So, to ease us into this fairly action-packed triumphant return of an episode, we will start with the best quote of the evening:

Damon: "Oh, c’mon. I can’t drink all this by myself. I mean, I can, but then somebody’s getting naked."

Of course, he is saying this to Alaric at the Grill, because as we all know these two guys can’t get enough of this watering (alcoholing) hole. And just as he delivers this line, some random chick (waitress?) smiles. Get away, random waitress chick! If anyone’s getting naked with Damon, it’s going to be Katherine (GOD, I wish she was back already), or Elena, or me… I mean, what?

Okay, let’s get down to business.

1. Everyone’s super-paranoid

There’s been no sign of Klaus since the whole killing-him plan went awry. (A close No. 2 quote of the evening? Damon to Klaus: "You know me. Never miss a chance to plan an epic failure.") He hasn’t even made one move. Elena’s taken up running (as exercise? as protection? to release stress?), like, really fast. Bonnie’s having recurring dreams about the witch burial ground house and four coffins. One of which holds a daggered Klaus, complete with Elena (Rebekah’s) necklace as a ring. Hmm. Sound familiar? (At least the first part?)

2. There’s reason to be

Klaus is going to kill “you and everyone you’ve ever met.” He’ll stop at nothing to get those coffins back. He finally tells Elena and Damon what Stefan did and demands that they help him find Stefan. To prove his point, he compels Jeremy to stand in front of a moving car, driven by his creepy hybrid minion Tony, who was kind of hot until Jeremy cut his head off with a meat cleaver. Yeah. Alaric jumps in to save Jeremy, because Klaus had either compel him to take off his ring or Tyler has done something equally fishy. So Jeremy’s safe, and Alaric, despite a few speed bumps (you know, Tony pretends to be with the 911 guys and then compels them to not take Alaric to the hospital before Jeremy kills him), is safe in the hospital, recovering miraculously (of course) due to Damon’s blood and the ring. Now his only problem is Paul Wesley’s real-life wife Torrey DeVitto, a.k.a Dr. Meredith Fell (Logan’s sister? We’ll see...) being slightly suspicious of his ability to walk.

3. Stefan’s back!

Turns out, Bonnie’s dreams were real! She finds Stefan in the witch burial ground house and he asks her to help him hide the coffins. With the combined power of Bonnie and all of the witch spirits, Klaus could come into the house and still not see the coffins. Yay? Except something will obviously go wrong.

4. Elena makes a deal, perhaps “the new deal”

So, she’s growing on me, but she really has to stop doing RIDICULOUSLY STUPID THINGS, like making deals with Klaus which involve BRINGING REBEKAH BACK TO LIFE in exchange for keeping Jeremy alive. Except, Klaus daggers her again because Elena tells him that Rebekah knows that he killed their mother. Goodbye, Claire Holt...for now.

5. Stefan and Damon have an epic reunion

He finally tells Damon why he did what he did, and Damon retorts with: When are you going to learn? Stop saving me. Interesting thing to say to someone who saved your life, but whatever. Looks like they’re going to work together to keep the caskets from Klaus? Even though Klaus is demanding that Damon help him get them back? I’m confused. I forgot there’s no history or meeting more Originals just yet, so you’ll understand if I don’t care about the plot.

6. Damon and Elena

Oh, yeah. Damon wants a reason to feel guilty. And so he grabs Elena and hard-core makes out with her! AND IT IS AWESOME! AND DREADFUL! ALL AT THE SAME TIME! HIP HOORAY!

7. Elena and Alaric get Damon to compel Jeremy to leave Mystic Falls

Okay, remember the last time you got Damon to compel Jeremy, Elena? That was bad. Really bad. And you did it again! I get that she wants to keep him safe, but having him leave doesn’t really do that—Klaus can reach him anywhere, plus you made that weird Klaus deal. She tells Damon that she feels horrible, and to be honest, YOU SHOULD! Jeremy cannot leave the show! HE IS FAR TOO HOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!!

8. Something wicked this way comes

One of the coffins won’t open. Bonnie’s convinced it’s closed with a spell, and whatever’s in there is going to make Klaus suffer. I simply cannot wait to see what’s in there.

So, we’re back. Reunited, if you will. And it feels so good.

Until next time:

What did you think of "TVD"’s triumphant return? Is Jeremy really leaving? Where was Caroline? Is Tyler going to overcome his creepy siring thoughts? Did Elena do the right thing in getting Damon to compel Jeremy? Why is Stefan still being (excuse my language) such a douche? What could possibly be in that casket? When are we going to meet the other Originals? Do you miss Rebekah and Katherine already? Anything else that you want to talk about that I conveniently decided not to include in this recap?

You know the deal (not the new deal, the always deal!). Heh, not clever, fine. Let us know in the comments below or on Twitter. Because what else are we going to do for the next seven days besides obsess over "The Vampire Diaries"?