Kate announces she has no intention of ‘getting rid of it’

Prince William has finally agreed to marry long-suffering girlfriend Kate Middleton after pub rumours confirmed that she definitely has a bun in the oven.

Drinkers at the Three Stags in Wirral have been speculating for months as to the situation between the young lovers and after a long session that went on until well after closing , the pub’s Royal Correspondent, Frank Wilson, announced: ‘Yep , she’s definitely preggers’.

Wilson’s announcement was followed a few hours later by an official announcement from Lambeth Palace that William is to the honourable thing and take his bride up the aisle before it becomes bloody obvious .

Meanwhile patrons gathering at their local today seemed in unanimous agreement that ‘Kate done well for herself’ and there was a palpable sense of relief that Middleton hadn’t allowed to herself to be pressured into a hasty abortion, especially considering the Prince had no doubt offered to pay for it up front.

Pub Landlord, Dave Stanley, said:

‘We are delighted for the young couple and will set about choosing a name for the child just as soon as the quiz finishes on Wednesday night. But I can tell you already that ‘Kyle’ is a front runner if it’s a boy and ‘Cheryl’ if it turns out to be a young lady. I’m so glad they chose not to go down the coat hanger route.’

Only Carl Rowe, a teaching assistant, is said to have reservations about the marriage insisting he didn’t want Kate to become another Diana and be murdered by Prince Phillip if the baby turns out to be black or Chinese.

Keith Barrett, a plumber from New Ferry, is said to be delighted by the news but has insisted that the special occasion should be marked by a public holiday so that he can celebrate properly, “preferably a Friday as that makes a nice long weekend of it” .

The news finally puts an end to fevered debate among regulars at the public house, which is part of the Beefeater chain, and allows the clientelle to return to the more serious issue of whether Steven Gerard would pay child maintenance to Alan’s daughter if his allegations about a nightclub liaison three months ago prove to be anything other than a substantial pile of bullshit.