Not ready to marry should we still buy a home together?

Question: Hi Dr. Scott, my girlfriend wants to get a house with me and I’m not sure we are ready to make that kind of commitment — at least I know that I am not ready for that. I am planning on proposing to her, but I’m not ready to take the plunge just yet. That might sound selfish, but I’m just trying to be smart and thoughtful before I move in with her. I think this is out of respect for her as it is as much my preference. I don’t know how to break it to her, and I’m worried that if I tell her how I feel about it, she will want to break up with me. She almost broke up with me before because I haven’t proposed yet. I can’t see myself loving someone else, but I don’t want to propose now just because she’ll be mad if I don’t. On the other hand, I don’t want to lose her. I actually wonder if I would have already proposed if it weren’t for her pressuring me. I’m torn. I’ve never been good at being decisive, but I can’t afford to get this decision wrong. Any advice would be appreciated.

Answer: There is no way you should move in together if you feel this ambivalent about it. In fact, why would you want to move in together at all if you aren’t married and are planning on proposing sometime in the future? Moving in together before you’re married is not going to be good for your relationship. Also, you’re going to resent her if you feel that you were manipulated into it because you didn’t want to make her mad.

So, you want to propose, but not because you feel forced to. That makes perfect sense. No one wants to feel pressured into such a big decision. So, why would you want to give into this pressure and move in together if you don’t want to propose yet? You’ll only feel more pressure to get married then. And let’s say that you decide to get married soon: Did you know that research has shown that couples who live together before getting married have a higher chance of getting divorced? What exactly is the advantage of moving in? My advice: just don’t do it.

And if she decides to leave you because you don’t commit right now, then count your blessings. If she would break up with you because you didn’t propose when she wanted you to, then you were not going to work out anyway. Would you prefer to spend a lifetime with a woman badgering you into doing what she wants you to do? Or perhaps she has a point, and you’re just afraid of commitment? I don’t know, but I do know this for sure: Whether it’s because of her or you, you are not a couple who is ready for marriage. And a couple not ready for marriage is a couple not ready to live together either. Moving in together is just going to further complicate your issues and make it harder for you to think clearly about what you need to do as a couple. Take your time. This is not a decision you want to regret.

Moving in together would be a mistake for you. It’s not going to lead to a healthier outcome for your relationship. If you have questions about your future as a couple, then the answer is counseling and time: not cohabiting. If she’s going to be a good wife for you and you’re going to be a good husband for her; then you will be just fine without living together right now. Actually, you’ll be better than fine. Take care — Dr. Scott