Wednesday, 31 August 2011

I really don't know where to start from this, so I figure I'll just be HILARIOUS and talk about every club, avoiding all the shit people that no-one cares about. Because if you really want to know you've already read either BBC Sport or watched SSN. Oh and I'm going to do it all in one post. Ready?

Arsene Wenger did what all depressed people do: got pissed and started phoning people on his lonely walk home from the night club he was in. After crying to his exes like Cesc and Thierry who were both sleeping, Per Mertesacker replied to a drunken text and agreed to sign. Brazilian left back Andre Santos - who is probably good, I have no idea - has also signed for the Gunners and now Mikel Arteta is trying to organise a move there for about £10 million. Yossi Benayoun has also turned up at the Emirates, using his secret attic type writer to tweet "I sign with arsenal, very happy and excited about it, but now my head is only in the game against Greece on Friday, thanks for the support."

A team so dull that I actually forgot to include them on my original list of clubs. Mcleish was busy and added quality in the form of Alan Hutton, who is about the only Rangers player in the last two centuries that I haven't hated because he's awesome. They also signed Jermaine Jenas on loan for a year, which is another great signing and will make sure they really strive to finish 15th this year, and every year after that until I get cancer and die.

Blackburn manager Steve Kean woke up today amongst a floor full of empty whisky bottles, half eaten curry boxes and to find the Band of Brothers DVD menu on repeat to try and sign people that his son recommended on Football Manager. I have no idea who he signed and honestly I don't care.

Owen Coyle is awesome but it turns out he had a stroke at some point recently because he's decided to sign David N'Gog; a player that runs as though he's an ice skater in NHL 97 on the megadrive and who has scored three goals in his career. In his garden.

Andre Villas-Boas signed Raul Meireles after the Portuguese midfielder handed in a transfer request an hour before the window closed. Then he went fishing or whatever it is people from Portugal do.

Arteta was really looking forward to the next season with Everton according to his interview for Football Focus the other day. Then literally any other team in the world decided they might want him and he fucking sprinted out of his house to try and get there. That team was Arsenal, and after his Forrest Gump-esque run to a fax machine, Arsenal parted with £10 million which Bill Kenwright then set fire to make himself a bit warmer while David Moyes pleaded for just a little bit of that Christmas turkey. He's just so cold.

Do you care? Me neither

Matt Bellamy signed again for Liverpool for free. It was a SHOCK move despite the SHOCK having been revealed sometime last year. When asked why he chose Anfield over the other 400 clubs that want him he pulled out a guitar and seven different effects pedals, firing rockets into the sky and then.. I dunno... ran really fast and did a step over and then scored like seven goals all year and then he wrote another album which wasn't actually very good. I really liked muscle museum. Speaking of which, Joe Cole went to Lille to replace all of their players who have already jumped ship. Lille are of course in the champions league this year so Joe gets to play about three interesting games, eat baguettes and hang out with African people who are paid to say they are French footballers. Raul Meireles used all of his cunning and put in a transfer request at 10pm. He's real clever like that.

Man City never fail to entertain and signed our good friend Owen Hargreaves on a one year deal, probably for about £100,000 a week because they can. He completed a medical and then got injured doing something funny. I made all those jokes about 4 months ago before all the jerks on Twitter.

Alex Ferguson did everything at the start of the season. Wesley Sneijder tweeted to confirm he'd be at Inter Milan next year. It's a shame because I would have enjoyed an extra two days of extra time to be added on to the transfer window. Ooooooh I went there.

Alan Pardew continued to show the world how little control he has by not signing anyone, despite having assured us all during the last few months that he desperately needed a striker or the team was too weak. Leon Best has scored like three goals this year though and since Mike Ashley knows how to manage cheap sporting goods in shit hole selling venues, it would appear that he's decided, yet again, that he knows best. Or maybe that guy Derek Llambias did. Even he doesn't know what his job is. If he ends up driving drunk over a cliff tomorrow it's because Ashley watched North by Northwest last night and got an ingenious idea. And much like that film, Pardew's season is almost certainly going to have the worst ending ever. On a train surrounded by black and white. Yay!

Paul Lambert stayed in his room doing push ups to try and impress his wife because they haven't had sex in a couple of months. It didn't work.

Shaun Wright-Phillips joined the revolution at QPR by signing a four year deal. The club has also hired Mark Hammil to carry him around on his back during his training.

Nobody likes Stoke but somehow they managed to convince Peter Crouch to join them by promising to be his friend and returning the stolen jewels from his kingdom of fellow GIANTS. Tony Pulis confirmed that for a big man he has great feet and that he was looking forward to being able to eat him because he's very hungry. He was sad when he was told he wasn't allowed to eat him.

Steve Bruce was busy signing another 40 players that won't be very good but he did manage to convince Nicklas Bendtner to move to Sunderland. I assume he promised to build a statue in his honour or he dressed up like Bendtner's ghost to haunt him into moving. Either that or he's been phoning him late at night for the past two years and then never saying anything, and this is what will stop it. Or he kidnapped his dad and this is the ransom. I'm just thinking of any possible reason to justify having to live in Sunderland.

Swansea signed the RSPCB to remove a giant fucking swan from their stadium. After catching him shortly before the transfer window they revealed a shocking revelation about it. It turns out it was just a man in a swan suit. WHO KNEW?!!!

I'm getting bored now. Spurs missed out on Cahill, didn't sign anyone, got rid of some players they don't need. Meh. The most interesting thing about them was that the SSN presenters reporting from outside were terrified of being fired for failing to prevent swearing on live TV from the gangs of youths who gathered around them. Either that or it was a genuine fear of being stabbed once the cameras were turned off. Where are these kids' parents? What were they doing? If I'd been caught swearing on live TV when I was 14 my Dad wouldn't have just been mad, he'd have been really disappointed. Which is so much worse.

West Brom blah blah blah blah

Wigan's board room looked like this

And this is how I felt reading about it

And Wolves might have signed someone but I started googling pictures of Elisha Cuthbert instead.

So to summarise: I would match rather have just sat looking at pictures of semi-naked girls than reading about 80% of the transfer rumours. But so would you, and that's why we're friends. Can I borrow a tenner please?

Apparently there are some transfers today or something like that. I'm at work and Jack is on a plane to other side of the world so at some point we might keep you updated on transfer goings on. On the other hand we might just not.

So far Scott Parker has moved to Spurs, Arsenal have finally signed some left back, QPR want to buy EVERYONE, Bellamy might go to Liverpool and Joe Cole has moved to Lille.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

To be honest, you should probably just watch SSN because that's exactly what I'll be doing tonight. Then I'll write something hilarious about it. So see you later. Follow us on Twitter if you like.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Luka Modric has been crying for the last couple of weeks because he really wants to sign for Chelsea, and now it's made Harry Redknapp angry. Angry enough to kill? Let's find out.

The handsome Croatian has pissed off 'Arry so much that he pretty much blamed the 5-1 loss at Man City on his constant moaning. Having now revealed that Modric asked not to play against the Manchester side, Redknapp has continued bitching to the press about how bad a pre-season he's had this year because of all the speculation. Meanwhile, as the transfer window draws to a close, midfielders everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief as they escape being collected and put into their display boxes like in Toy Story 2 for one more year. Or until January at least.

David Bentley and Tom Huddlestone, ten years from now

Modric was taken off in the second half so he could get all of the sand out of his vagina.

Owen Hargreaves is still considering the contract offer that West Brom gave him about a month ago because he knows that he is going to KICK ASS when he finally gets back on the pitch.

Despite my best efforts to undermine anyone's confidence in him with the above video, Owen knows that once he puts on his boots and runs around the pitch a bit, we are all gonna be all like 'woah, holy shit, no way!'. The Metro stole this from the Daily Mail:

'I'm going to blow people away. I'm coming back believing I can return to the level I was at before,'

'My body feels great and my knees are perfect. I've just got this huge chip on my shoulder because I've been out for three years and people think I'm dead and buried. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I'd like to get some proper football training and a few games under my belt before I get too excited.

'But, right now, I'd like to think I can play 40 games this season and with the right care I believe I can train every day. I hope to be back in the England side for the European Championship next summer. You have to have ambition.'

I tried to call Owen to try and get some quotes from him myself, but upon getting his phone out to answer, an anvil fell from the sky and broke his metatarsal. And head. And then his hamstring went. What I'm trying to say is that he gets injured a lot.

Fabio Capello gets paid a shit ton of money to watch the occasional Man Utd game and then tell someone else to phone some players to invite them to some luxury training complex eight times a year. Phil Jones just moved to Old Trafford and now strangely he's good enough for England.

Despite playing a very important part in Blackburn Rovers' last Premiership campaign, Capello didn't seem to think Jones was good enough to train with the England team until Sir Alex Ferguson said so. Expect Ashley Young to start every single game for his national team all of a sudden as well. I imagine Capello to be an almost Mr Burns-esque character who just sits in his office snacking on lasagne, or something equally racist, and then occasionally just puts on Sky Sports News to see what's happening.

Capello: "who is this Nani? Is he English?"
staff: "no sir, he plays for Portugal"
Capello: "damn-nation. How about that chap there?"
staff: "why that's Phil Jones sir. He's one of your potential defenders from sector seven G. He played all last season for Blackburn but you thought he looked retarded"
Capello: "Nonsense! He's good enough for Alex Ferguson so I clearly already knew about him. Phil Jones eh? Fetch him at once. Post-haste"

Fenerbahce have been kicked out of the Champions League since they cheated their way there in the first place and now they want to be relegated so that the ban doesn't come in until next season. Turkey said NO!

from the BBC

The TFF (Turkish Football Federation) has said that it won't consider giving any help to clubs that are being investigated by police, and since their fucking chairman is one of those currently in jail, Fenerbahce fit nicely into this category. Over 30 officials, players and club staff are currently being investigated and I hope every single one of them wins a prize. And by 'wins a' I mean 'gets kicked repeatedly' and by prize I mean 'in the balls'.

Not very far away from Turkey similar things are happening in Greece, where the chairman of Olympiakos is also under scrutiny for allegedly fixing the Greek league for the last 15 years or so. I say allegedly but even Olympiakos fans have told me themselves that they know it's fixed. Almost literally no-one cares about the domestic football league in Greece anymore, and why would you? In Scotland we have to annually put up with Rangers or Celtic receiving every free kick or being awarded penalties that aren't until eventually they inevitably win everything, but at least the games aren't fixed - I hope. At times I'm only 99% sure they aren't.

The Scottish league is so incredibly boring and pointless that pretty soon even less people will bother to watch it, including those "die-hard" fans who don't question what it is they pay to watch. If a team finishes third they get into Europe and because there is no money since the Old Firm hog it all, they lose the first qualifying match and render the entire of the last season pointless. Until things change somehow, no-one will be able to compete for the league in Scotland outside of the Old Firm, just as no-one can compete for the Greek league outside of Athens.

Uruguayan superstar Diego Forlan has signed for Inter Milan to fill the Eto'o shaped hole he has left behind.

Now 32 years old, Forlan decided to get really good at football at exactly the wrong time. It's like in Zelda where it takes you forever to get all the attributes and items you can, but once you've finally done it then you only have one boss to play against and the game's over. By the time he's 50 he'll have the ability of a 25 year old Zidane but with the added magic potion that Asterix used to drink. He'll also know the song to play on his ocarina to summon that horse off by heart, which will save a lot of time. If they could have combined Ocarina of Time with GTA VI that would have been really cool, I'm not sure which way I would prefer it to mix. Probably if you could drive the cars and have the weapons of GTA in Hyrule would be best.

Forlan signed for two years and no-one knows how much for because it's such a secret. Mysterious! I'm going to guess it was about twelve million rupees

Roque Santa Cruz has moved to Real Betis on a season long loan, and the most surprising thing about this transfer is that Roque Santa Cruz is still alive.

Signed by Mark Hughes during his largely unsuccessful reign at City, the Paraguayan has done ten eighths of fuck all since his move to Manchester. For those of you who don't remember, he cost £18 million in 2009 which is the equivalent of £4 billion in today's money. Back then a can of coke cost only £0.50 and Space Raiders about ten pence a packet. And now?! What is this world we live in?!!! 15 pence? A packet?!! I hate the future! Damn you all to hell!!! I think I've lost the point I was trying to make there somewhere. If you can find it please add it to the comments below because I'm done.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Life is all about making decisions. Today should have been my last day of work at my real job in my real life with real people. Waking up with a massive hangover I had to make a decision. Stay at home and watch football all day whilst eating my own body weight in food. Or. Go to work and sit at my shitty little desk staring at my computer screen wondering why I was there. Clearly I made the right decision as the giant footballing robot lizards who live in the sky served me up with a platter of deep fried goals

As we know Arsenal were gang-banged 8-2 by Manchester United. Earlier in the day Manchester City traveled down to North London and spanked Tottenham Hotspur 5-1 at White Hart Lane. Spurs were probably wishing their stadium had been burnt down in the riots. The only damage was to Harry Redknapps weird red melted face. Arry after the game moaned about Modric and money and some other things but his face offends me so I changed the channel.

Lets go to France. Oh hi, we're in France. Paris St Germain and his brother Tito defeated Toulouse 3-1 and helped to reinforce the theory that spending millions of £ on players does actually help you win games. Not sure why they were playing against a rugby team but a wins a win.

Holland. PSV beat EXCELSIOR! 6-1 but then I remembered the dutch league is really boring. It's like a slightly more glamorous SPL so I didn't really bother reading any more.

Calling off their strike meant that the Spanish season did start this weekend. Don't worry nothing has changed since last season. Real Madrid destroyed Real Zaragoza 6-0 away from home. Cristiano Ronaldo got himself a hattrick. He has now scored 1,000,000 goals in 100 games for Real Madrid but he's still not as good as Messi. That must be really annoying. Then again he is a millionaire and looks like this.

He probably doesn't loose too much sleep over being number two to Messi. After all he looks like this.

This is probably my favourite football related story of the season so far. Swansea defender Alan Tate broke his leg today in a golf buggy related accident.

Not knowing who he was I googled him and discovered he is one of those terrifying gingers with the pointy features, freckles and all round grossness. Tate was out on the golf course with the lads when his buggy "lost control".

The golf buggy had a few pints and took offense to a joke Tate made about his girlfriend. Something about how he and four of his friends had been inside her and there was still room for their golf clubs. It's not known whether Tate wants to bring charges against the buggy but he will be out of action for at least six months with a broken tibia.

Brendan Rodgers said "I cannot believe this has happened. He is a really good golfer". Everyone else said "what the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

Did this really happen? Yes it definitely did. Manchester scored eight goals against Arsenal at Old Trafford.

If it was FIFA Wenger would have turned off his PS3 and smashed his controller into a million tiny pieces. Unfortunately for Arsenal fans and Wenger this was a real game of football watched by millions of people. Not sure I've seen anything like it before. This is two supposed giants of English football who have been competing fiercely with each other since Wenger took over in 1996. They conceded eight goals, missed a penalty, had a player sent off, lost their dog, broke their I-phone and shat themselves. Your day can't get much worse than that.

Good news for the Gunners is that Wenger pretty much said they were not going to buy anyone so that's something to cheer you up. He also said Arsenal had eight players out injured and they were tired. That may be true but Manchester United could have played this game piss dunk wearing blind folds and I would still have expected them to score at least three goals. Arsenals defending was the worst defending I think I've ever seen. Perhaps it was some form of protest against the sale of Nasri. Perhaps they were suffering from some form of temporary insanity and thought they were 12 year old girls who had gone with their dad to play on the swings at their local park and have a picnic. Or perhaps they are just a bit shit?

I still cannot stop laughing. 8-2. You useless cunts hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Paranoia is rife in football. All fans think their club is victimised whilst their opposing fans are convinced they get unfair treatment. It's part and parcel of modern football and its idiotic supporters. Alex Ferguson has been talking about the FA recently. He doesn't like them and I, for one, am shocked.

﻿Ferguson said the FA "treat us like shit". Nowhere in the article can I see his reasons for saying this. Something about a lack of recognition for Manchester United's contribution to the England National team? I don't see what the problem is. Does he want the FA to make a press conference before every England game and say "I just want to personally thanks Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United for everything they have done for English football. Thanks for Rio, thanks for Wazza and all the other nicknames to. Without you guys we'd be San Marino or even Scotland."

Perhaps he means the players get treated like shit when on England duty. They only get queen sized beds and 32" LCD TVs in their hotel rooms. That is not good enough for the princes of Manchester United. Perhaps Ferguson is angry because Manchester United have home games after every away game in the Champions League group stage. Yup he should definitely be angry about that. In no way does that give Manchester United an advantage. IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!

Shamrock Rovers shocked the footballing world the other day when they beat Partizan Belgrade to qualify for the Europa League Nonsense Trophy. One of their players Karl Sheppard then made a comment on twitter about diving to win a penalty. Smart.

Sheppard left a trailing leg for the keeper to bring him down in extra time. A penalty was awarded which they scored and the Irish team won 2-1 on the night and progressed 3-2 on aggregate. Later on twitter Sheppard wrote "happiest moment of my life! i'm a diving cunt hahahahahahahahaha wooooo".

Understandbly lots of nerds got angry and started a bit of a twitter war. Sheppard sobered up and realised he probably shouldn't have said that. Deleted the comment and did the classic "it wasn't me! I was hacked!". He actually used the word twaped which I wasn't aware of. It has also really annoyed me. Fraped works because obviously it's a play on raped. Nobody has ever been waped apart from maybe Jonathon Ross. All these internet terms are driving me insane. The amount of girls who say "lol" instead of actually laughing is out of control. It's time for the final solution.

Anyway I don't really care. Seeing an Irish team doing better than any Scottish team is hilarious. Plus this goal was aboslutely awesome.

Barcelona collected another trophy last night by winning the European Super Cup 2-0 against FC Porto.

﻿Porto decided that Barcelona, being the best team in the world, and Messi being the best player, might require a little more help to beat than traditional 'trying'. To make things a little easier Freddy Guarin (football manager hero :adore:) played a lovely through ball to Messi who rounded the keeper, scored and made the finish look ridiculously easy. Like he was one on one with a 10 year old.

Cesc Fabregas scored a nice second after a really sexy scooped through ball from Messi yet again. Cesc took one touch and hammered the ball in. I imagine as soon as he scored and realised he'd finally won another trophy he must have thought "I cannot believe I didn't leave Arsenal earlier than this, what on Earth was I thinking?". He looks so happy. I almost forgot what he looked like when not scowling or shaking his head at the shit players around him. The Spanish league is extremely easy so don't be surprised to see Cesc score 20 goals in the league this season. Ronaldo and Messi have probably got a competition on with each other to score 100. I'd expect Darren Mackie to score at least 15 and now to feel the anger from all the La Liga fanboys.

In Italy they heard about the Spanish going on strike and thought that's a really good idea. Now the start of the Serie A in Italy is going to be delayed.

Basically the strike has come about because players are not happy about the way managers can treat them. If a player wants to leave a club when his contract is up, managers can force their players to train in the reserves and force them to leave the club in the last year of their contract, rather than lose them for free. Which sounds fair enough to me. I have no sypmathy for these rich dick heads who hold their club to ransom.

However the players union have called a strike after talks broke down with the league. Players are such precious cunts these days. They get paid ludicrous amounts of money which has created a generation of greedy horrible shits. Imagine getting paid millions to train a few hours a day, kick a football around and sleep with the world's finest women (or men). Most people hate their job. I hate my job. I am actually at my job right now. Maybe I should organise a strike? Right the strike has begun. Is one person enough for a strike?

At least we have Stuart Holden. Single handedly keeping my faith that not all footballers are complete twats. I definitely kind of maybe completely love him.

Friday, 26 August 2011

In what I think will turn out to be the greatest decision of his life, Joey Barton has moved to Queens Park Rangers, who definitely won't be relegated this year.

fucking stolen from the bbc, alright?

One major benefit for Barton is that he won't have to play in the Carling Cup because not only can no-one be arsed except Arsenal's youth team, but QPR "don't care" about having already been knocked out of the competition. Yes, at QPR Joey can really enjoy the manager's vision for the club, which will remain intact until about eight games time when he is fired for sneezing, or losing 1-0 to Man Utd or something like that. Alan Pardew probably hasn't been told yet and will find out tomorrow morning when he reads FitbaThatba, turns up to St James Park and realises that Mike Ashley hasn't really built monorails before. In-fact, he doesn't know anything about them at all!

I am being awfully hard on Arsenal at the moment - after all, they did beat Udinese the other day to qualify for the Champions League. Maybe we should all just lay off them? Or not.

Wenger likes to try and be a shrewd operator in the transfer market. His shrewdness turned to shitness pretty quickly yesterday when he offered £7m for Gary Cahill. Arsenal clearly forgot about the 'English Player' tax so straight away that doubles his value, plus Gary Cahill is actually quite good. £7m wouldn't get you Shola Ameobi in this current market and he is truly shit. Owen Coyle called the bid "derisory" and I am very impressed that Coyle actually knew the word derisory. He probably has one of those word of the day calenders. My word today was judgmental. What a coincidence. It wasn't really. I entirely made that up.

Arsene Wenger is planning on upping the bid to £10m plus some camembert, a french poodle, a bottle of merlot and a ticket to Disneyland Paris.

After signing most of the world's players over the past few months, Roberto Mancini is finally bored and wants to play a new game, which is probably going to be selling 100s of players before the transfer window closes, otherwise he has to invite them all to McDonalds. Apart from juggling who he's going to play in any one game out of the three teams he's assembled, he also has to remember who didn't want pickles, who ordered the mcflurry and how to stop michael johnson from eating not only everything, but everyone.

Terrifying. Marwood went on to say that if any loan deals make sense then Man City might take these on, but why would they? Would you rent a car when you can just buy one and drive it into the sea when you're bored? That could be Mancini's new game actually.

So last night every single one of Scotland's potential European participants lost, meaning that no Scottish team will represent the country in European competition after August since 1956.

(c) Scott Baxter

Ally McCoist continued his stirling work as manager of Rangers by losing to a team from Slovenia called Maribor. Celtic lost to a team called FC Sion after one of their defenders very cleverly got sent off in the first minute of play, because after all, in Scotland we play HARD. Hearts drew 0-0 with Spurs but since they were already 89-0 down from the first leg that doesn't really count, especially as the team they played against were all 'do you want to play for spurs?' competition winners.

After the match various SFA members said 'oh noooooes!' and then said that it wasn't a crisis and that we must learn from this and sort out the entire league. If only there had been some sort of warning for this kind of thing about ten years ago, or even since 1985 when the last team able to compete for anything in Scotland came outside the Old Firm. But no. No, it was probably going to be fine all along.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Liverpool midfielder Raul Meireles has broken his collarbone and will be injured for a few weeks, says BBC Sport.

borrowed from our friends at www.nevercaptainnickybutt.com

Kenny Dalglish observed the collision and used all his medical know how to diagnose the problem. Upon being asked what the extend of the damage was, the mumbling Scot said:

"Raul has hurt his collarbone. I don't know the technical term but he fell heavily," manager Kenny Dalglish said.

"We don't know how serious it is but it'll be a few weeks."

I think the technical term might be that it is broken. If only Liverpool had another 400 midfielders they could also start on the bench this wouldn't be such a blow to their season, but fortunately they do. Unfortunately they are mostly Joe Cole, who also doesn't know where he is. When we finally see him in public again the last thing he's going to remember is scoring that goal in the World Cup from 30 yards and then waking up in Liverpool, like he's a really awful Jason Bourne. Rather than being able to work out whether that guy in the corner packs a hefty punch he knows that if you shoot from the half way line in FIFA 97 it's mostly likely to go in. Also it had an indoor option, which they should bring back.

The Champions League groups were drawn today and Man Utd might as well play their youth team because they are going straight through. Man City have to kill Bayern Munich and Villareal as well as Italian side Napoli and Arsenal were found crying in the toilets.

I'm not even going to bother typing out who got who, because everyone who reads this site also knows that the BBC and the Guardian exist and that stuff takes ages to type. Arsenal get to travel to Olympiakos which should be pretty easy considering that any team from Athens has to rely on fixing matches to win. Olympiakos haven't won a game outside of Athens for about 400 years, and as my Greek friend told me the other day "you must wait for the green light or the... turbines will blow the car". I was in Corfu. He was talking about the airport because the planes fly low.

Chelsea are playing some games too but it doesn't matter because either Barcelona or Real Madrid will win it. You heard it here first, it's a secret. Now fuck off

Sir Alex Ferguson has ended his centuries long dispute with the BBC for calling his son a cunt.

Until today Ferguson had flat out refused to talk to the BBC, even though he is legally obligated to through TV rights that they own, but now they are going to hold hands and discuss everything! They have so much to catch up on - ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, that dreamy holiday romance, where they live! OMG I'm so excited! I can't wait for the next interview which will hopefully involve the Aberdeen legend telling another journalist to fuck off.

Bobby Petta used to play for Celtic and is now a personal trainer. His slogan is 'Get betta with Petta' and I know this because my old flatmate has his business card. Now he's going to be in a movie.

The film World War Z is a zombie apocalypse movie and I'm pleased because we need more of those. If you asked me what three themes there aren't enough of in movies it would be zombies, werewolves and vampires. And also Bobby Petta. The movie is being shot on location in Glasgow because the director likes the grid system, the architecture and because it saves a lot of money on make-up and special effects when all you need to assemble a zombie army is to assert that either the pope is a paedophile or offer vodka and red bull for £1.50 in George Square.

Petta is rumoured to have turned down the lead role in many Hollywood blockbusters of late, the most noteworthy of which was 'Water for Elephants' because Reese Witherspoon looked a 'bit too fat' for him. Get in shape, whore. That should be his slogan instead.

"Arsenal have good fans but not that passionate since they moved from Highbury.

"City fans are really passionate. When we played against City, the crowd was amazing. That's what I want."

Yeh so fuck you Arsenal fans. You need to be really passionate about your home team that doesn't overly spend money and invests heavily in youth, reaching the champions league every year since 1998 and in the best financial state of any premier league club in line with the new FIFA transfer market rules that are due to come in in a couple of season's time. Not like those City fans - before that sheikh moved in I didn't see City shirts anywhere but now they are all over the place. That's real passion. Jerks.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Wow. Actually interesting breaking football news. Turkish side Fenerbahce have been told they cannot play in the Champions League because of match fixing.

Their Chairman is among thirty other football types who are currently in jail pending investigation into nineteen games that may have been effected. Nineteen games. Ridiculous. The start of the Turkish season has been delayed by one month as they wait for the outcome of the trial. I imagine everyone is also thinking, "is there really any point?". All dignity and pride has been torn out of the league and all that's left is a bunch of fat, corrupt, greedy bastards who are currently being raped in jail. Oh and I suppose the three or four players who didn't know what was going on.

Who will take their place? Doesn't really seem a fair way to pick one team to take their place. I suggest a 5-a-side tournament at my local park. There will be a burger van, Cheeko the clown will be there making balloon animals and babies cry, the local pub will have all the participants back to get hammered and numerous 16 year olds will have their first pint in an actual pub. The resident alcoholic will get so hammered he will piss his pants and everyone will laugh. UEFA if you are reading this fitbathatba@gmail.com is where you need to send your email. I know you are as excited about this idea as I am.

Alex Ferguson is famous for his mind games he plays. Seemingly able to get in the heads of his players, opposing managers (and referees) to get the optimal results for Manchester United. He's been in the paper defending Arsene Wenger saying he is the best manager they could get. I have an alternative theory.

A few grumblings have surrounded Arsenal recently and it can't be denied that certain sections of Arsenal fans, perhaps some journalists would suggest Arsene Wenger's time is up and he should be sacked. Fergie has called all these people ridiculous and said it's crazy and unbelievable that people are suggesting that Wenger gets sacked.

However. Perhaps Fergie is just saying this because he knows Arsenal are looking a bit fucked. Arsenal haven't won a trophy in six years. They have also sold two of their best players. What is in Fergies best interest? Getting a new manager in who perhaps changes the approach that clearly hasn't worked for the last few years. Perhaps changing their style of play, sacrificing youth and beautiful football for results. OR. They stick with Wenger, they pass the ball around for two weeks, then their testicles retreat into their bodies when they see the 18 yard line. Another season finishes and Arsenal have yet again won nothing. Alex Ferguson continues to support Wenger and mind fucks the Arsenal board into thinking " he's Sir Alex Ferguson he knows what he's talking about. We should definitely not sack Arsene. Agreed? Done". Fergie smiles to himself, pours another glass of wine and makes a space on his trophy cabinet.