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Joy – To the World

October 20, 2011

A Guest Post from Tova

Dearest Monkees,

Do you remember when Glennon and Andrea started the auction for Joy (Rocky at that time)? And then a friend joined in with a book sale? And prior that a friend auctioned an Ipad for us? And after this auction we raised another $1,400 by selling paperbead necklaces that had been donated. And then, we received an adoption grant of $10,000.

Yup.

That all really, really happened.

You need to understand that adopting Joy was a complete and total leap in faith. I remember emailing with Glennon and mentioning to her that I felt like we had no business starting this adoption because I felt like we had none of the resources needed.

And we didn’t.

No savings, no investments, no loans available, no credit available. Heck, we STILL have our adoption loan from our first adoption. We managed to save and fundraise our way through our second adoption. It was such a gift.

I had no faith for a third adoption. I figured we had maxed out our resources. All of them.
We had those moments where adoption payments needed to be made and we literally didn’t have the money.

And it came. Every single time. Surprise gifts from friends. Organized fundraising. The grant. This is the first time we are drowning in debt after an adoption. We are flat ass broke and about a month behind, but I am fine with that because it feels so good compared to what we’ve experienced in the past.

If you think that I was the faithful, peaceful and trusting adoptive mama through this, you are wrong. I hedged all my bets. Did all the fundraising saying that if this didn’t work we would give the money to another family or return it to people.

As you might remember, Joy has HIV. We were asked by our agency to consider adopting her. They did everything they could to make it possible for us.

We had relatives freak out. People said the dumbest, most thoughtless things. I wrestled a lot. With what we were doing. To our finances, our existing children, our community.

There were two things that kept me facing towards Joy.

1. The question was ‘is this harder for me, or is facing the possibility of my child not getting adequate medical care harder?’

2. Can I do this? Can I raise my daughter to be kind and gracious, but firm, in the face of some of the most stupid, stubborn ignorance that I’ve ever seen? In order to do that, I had to learn to be kind and gracious, but firm.

The first question required more wrestling than I care to admit. But it really was the easy one.

The second one? That required a lot of support. Some from my counselor who walked me through appropriate and allowable responses to different people’s comments. This was an amazing experience for me and impacted all aspects of my life. I had friends who let me bitch, whine, complain and rage. And I have this community that tells me over and over to ‘look for the good’, ‘try not to be a jerk’, that ‘We belong to each other’ and that being gracious is a huge gift. That looking beyond the stupidity and ignorance often leads to healing and redemption.

And it’s all true.At one point we had enough reasons to justify leaving our church. People suggested we do that. But I got stubborn. And maybe a tiny bit tired. We stayed put. We kept trying to talk and to listen. It’s not been perfect, but the overwhelming majority are supportive and wonderful. That would not have existed if I had left when it was just overwhelmingly horrible. That’s what this Monkee community has given me. Stories from all of you to lean on. To hold onto. Stories of staying still, stopping to listen, or just taking that one more uncomfortable step.

So, thank you.

Going to Africa to bring Joy home was excruciatingly difficult as I have a PTSD diagnosis that results from a home invasion/hostage situation I was in the last time I was in Africa.
Going to bring her home was the bravest thing I’ve ever done. I could have stayed at home, but I knew I would regret that more than pushing through the fear.It was fantastic. Our trip was hard, but I was both strong and vulnerable. I was present for my new daughter. I found a lot of personal healing on my trip. There was a lot of weeping, but so, so much joy. And she is.

Since coming home I have watched my little peanut win hearts, break down big huge grown men, and crumble people’s fears and hardness. I literally watched one person who was dead set against her, start to cry when seeing her for the first time.

Our child is so special. This is brought home to us again and again. The nurse at her Children’s Home told us that they called her their miracle child because they almost lost her. Her pediatrician here, told us at her last visit, that she cannot explain why this child is alive or doesn’t have massive brain damage. That her medical records show three times when most other children would have died. That she does not understand how this is possible.

But she is. She is healthy, happy, thriving, getting chubby, and mentally, emotionally, and physically on target. Not one medical professional has been able to explain her. She is now labeled as technically HIV + but unable to transmit. How’s that for shifting people’s preconceptions?

This makes my heart so glad. I’ve learned so much on this journey, grown a tremendous amount, discovered strength I had no idea I had, learned that vulnerability is the baddest ass strength of all, and done so much healing.

Thanks Monkees, wish you could all come over for a cup of tea and meet her.

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my husband and i spent 1yr "stuck" in africa waiting for a visa for our son. during this time we met many adoptive parents. i had the luck/honor of meeting one mom who was adopting an HIV+ child. as much as i respected what she was doing i could not understand why she would choose a child like this. it wasn't that i was scared of this child or my risk, i knew the risks well and often cared for this child, loved her, changed her diapers, fed her, gave her medicine, held her while she was so sick. i just couldn't see myself CHOOSING a child that was less than perfect. for some reason after reading your story something changed inside of me. i see it. i get it. they are already perfect. it's ME that is lacking the courage and carrying too much judgment and preconceived expectation of what my child should be.thank you glennon for posting tova's original post at the bottom. reading your words i see myself in you and know i also need to find the courage to be vulnerable. after returning from africa i came back a different person apparently i shut down for a little while. i wanted/expected my friends to rally around me but i didn't know how to ask for help or tell them i was hurting. in the end they all disappeared.lonely people build high walls. with the support of my husband, the unconditional love from my son, nonjudgmental love from my animals and places like momestery i am healing…..and hopefully gaining some courage. it's time to reach out the olive branch.thank you for sharing your story Tova, toni

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Tova-Thanks so much for sharing.I'm an adoptive mum, and work in HIV law and service and have for a long time.Treatment is such a game-changer, and I am so glad that Joy is getting the chance to live that life. And that you are getting the chance to be her mother.If you ever need to vent or commiserate or ask questions, let Glennon know- she knows how to get in touch with me. I don't know if there is a hateful, thoughtless, or uneducated comment that I haven't heard at this point.-Beirne

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Tova – I have been so moved by your journey. I felt like the last portion of the Beatitudes was really directed at situations like yours. I went back and read them all, and man – you are BLESSED! I just feel like blessing upon blessings are yours. I've copied them here for everyone to see. If you go find it in The Message translation, it's more personal:Matthew 5:3-10 "He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

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I am so glad that the lack of finances did not prevent you from getting this beautiful baby. Several of my cousins were adopted, here in the U.S., in the 1960s. My aunts and uncles who adopted them are working class people and are wonderful parents. I often think that due to today's expenses in adoption that they would be unable to adopt today. There are many loving and wonderful would-be parents who cannot adopt due to finances so I am so incredibly happy that you were able to persevere through the financial obstacle as well as all the others. Congratulations to you and your family.

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