4 most common issues addressed in couples counseling (and how to resolve them))Rebecca Adams)8/2/2017At any given moment, about half of the caseload in my counseling practice
is comprised of couplehttp://www.argosy.edu/our-community/blog/4-most-common-issues-addressed-in-couples-counseling-and-how-to-resolve-them

4 most common issues addressed in couples counseling (and how to resolve them)

At any given moment, about half of the caseload in my counseling practice
is comprised of couples seeking assistance in their marriages. It is no
wonder this statistic may seem familiar, considering the divorce rate for
first time marriages has hovered around the 50% mark over the past half
century. As a matter of fact, by the end of the 20th century, 45% of
marriages were predicted to end in divorce (Amato, 2010). Over the past 18
years of working with couples in therapy, I have discovered the marriage
problems most couples struggle with have trended toward four common
factors.

Hearing to respond vs. listening to understand

This may appear to be simply concept, but one that I have observed rarely
practiced among struggling couples. There have been times when I was able
to see the difference with my own eyes. When one hears to respond, his or
her eyes often drift away from the speaker, as if to begin formulating what
next to say. On the other hand, when one listens to understand, eye contact
is maintained, and sometimes, a response is unnecessary (other than
validating what the speaker stated).

Lack of empathy toward spouse

Empathy is simply the attempt to understand another’s point of view, from
that other person’s life experience. Considering the possibility that
couples experience life from differing statuses, i.e. gender, socioeconomic
background, geography, etc., these differences are more likely than
unlikely. The natural stance to take when engaging in a debate, is to
insist on defending one’s own decisions from one’s own perspective. Healthy
couples attempt to understand their partner’s argument from their partner’s
perspective.

Sweating the small stuff

The 1996 book “Don’t sweat the small stuff …. and it’s all small stuff” by
author Richard Carlson provided insight into one of the areas of conflict
that affects many couples. I respectfully disagree with the second half of
the title of the book. There certainly are big, core issues that couples
often debate over. These core issues are either very apparent early on in a
relationship, or better yet, couples actually discuss their core
priorities, i.e. faith, family, career, child rearing, finances, etc. When
a couple argues vehemently over an issue that is not a core priority, then
they are sweating the small stuff. As a simplified solution, overtly
discuss the actual topic of argument early in the debate. If the topic does
not fit in one of the core priority categories, the couple could decide to
not allow a ‘small stuff’ topic becomes a big argument.

Uncoordinated shift in priorities

Speaking of priorities, over a human’s lifespan, his or her priorities take
several developmental paradigm shifts. For example, typically young
children prioritize their need for parental support, then this transitions
to peer support when we experience adolescence. This social priority takes
on another typical shift to a significant other, when we enter young
adulthood. Individuals within a marriage experience similar personal shifts
in priorities throughout their adult lives. A couple’s core priorities may
be similarly aligned in the beginning stages of their marriage. Then, later
in life, one individual may push a particular priority further down the
list, while the other spouse increases that priority’s position. For
example, both parties within a romantic relationship may place a premium on
physical intimacy early on in the relationship. Often times, one individual
either maintains or increases this area of priority, while the other
decreases. There is not an easy solution to this uncoordinated shift, other
than having open communication about these shifting needs.

This is not an exhaustive list, but instead, a synthesis of themes observed
by this author. Some may be able to apply these suggestions and experience
immediate improvement in their marriages. For others whose conflicts
require more intense intervention, there is still good news. Couples
therapy appears to render positive results. According to the American
Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, over 98% of couple’s
surveyed reported receiving good family therapy, 97% reported receiving the
help they needed, and 93% reported having received more effective
strategies for dealing with their marital problems. A qualified mental
health professional is often able to effectively conceptualize a couple’s
needs and offer suggestions for better relations.