Excellence in sports reporting, the H5E editors 2014 NFL mock draft

It’s NFL Draft Day, and the H5E staff took it upon ourselves to sound a golden trumpet of truth over the relentless chatter that is “sports journalism.” The following is our mock up for the NFL 2014 Draft’s first round:

Houston Texans – Probably Jadeveon Clowney. That dude looks good.

Washington Redskins – Johnny Manziel , for a rookie contract that adds up to $24 worth of beads and rusted iron kettles.

Oakland Raiders – No idea, but the over/under on number of times Chris Berman bellows the “The Raid-uhs!” before they make their pick starts at 35 1/2.

Atlanta Falcons – Beginning their record-breaking Championship season, Atlanta will select future HOF TE Eric Ebron. There will be some drinking at the Gonzalez household.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In a cheeky moment, GM Jason Licht will accidentally draft “Whammy Satkins” as their no 1 pick. After some good natured chuckling and guffawing, Watkins and the Buccaneers will go on to the first of their many losing seasons together.

Minnesota Vikings – After losing Jared Allen to free agency, the Vikings will be looking to draft another giant bearded clown to fill his spot. Expect the Vikes to draft Leif Ericson.

Buffalo Bills – Khalil Mack. As a UB alum, this prospect is the only player adequately prepared to handle the soul crushing baggage that comes with being a Buffalo Bill. After his name is called, look for Mack to wearily approach the stage like a kid that’s scared of getting his photo taken with a mall Santa Claus.

Detroit Lions – Eddard Stark, because they’ll be done by week 9. Winter is coming (in the form of another lackluster season).

Tennessee Titans – Brock Lesnar. The Titans have always like Paul Heyman guys, and c’mon – he beat the Streak.

New York Giants – Mike Evans, as it was the only recognizable name burped through Tom Coughlin’s rye induced slumber.

St. Louis Rams – Following the strategy of a 59 year-old local barfly, the Rams will select “someone who will actually go out and make plays, man…”

Chicago Bears – With the fan base divided on Cutler, the Bears will draft a piece of poo. Though lacking Cutler’s arm, poo does possess the same charm and sideline presence. If ownership wants to keep the fans happy, the Bears should pull the trigger on poo.

Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers will draft an extra set of decals to slap on the opposite side of their stupid, one-sided helmets.

Dallas Cowboys – USC’s finance whiz, Gary Spiegleman, to work out how they can afford the contract they gave Romo, which is more than their 400 sq. mile jumbotron. They bought a 400 sq. mile jumbotron.

Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore Ravens will draft a Roomba to clean up the shattered remains of a champion franchise.

New York Jets – In the wake of their prized off-season acquisitions of Michael Vick and Chris Johnson, the Jets will redraft Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson to further their attempt at becoming a dominant force in 2011. Get your popcorn ready.

Miami Dolphins – We hate the Dolphins, so why should we give them any draft assistance here? We hope they pick some dumb weirdo named Wuss Buttlicker, or something like that.

Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals finished within a hair of reaching the playoffs in 2013, and it’s time they get back to their roots. The Cards will draft Jackson St.’s own Zachary Pendleton. He’s the 213th ranked wideout on the board and he sucks. He ran a 4.84 40-yard dash. Great fit.

Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles are looking to select the world’s softest feather mattress to fall back on when Nick Foles doesn’t work out.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Cheifs will draft Judy Garland to play wide receiver, leading to the end of D-wayne Bowe.

Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals will attempt to draft Khalil Mack. After being informed that he was already taken in a previous round, they with audibly mutter something about not being prepared and will miss their pick, saying they’ll “catch it next round.”

San Diego Chargers – Brandin Cooks, as he was the only prospect that didn’t snicker when asked “How would you feel to wear Power Blue on Sundays?”

Indianapolis Colts – Pam Oliver.

New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Saints see David Tyree a perfect fit for their offense since people are starting to ask: “Who dat?”

Carolina Panthers – So as to not set the expectations bar too high for their fevered fan base, the Panthers will not draft anyone. After their strong 2013 outing, they’re probably take it easy for a year.

New England Patriots – The Pats will select China’s King Zhou of Shang for his speed, marked intangibles and experience with crumbling Dynasties.

San Francisco 49ers – Jameis Winston. Though he isn’t eligible for the draft, he is the only player in college ball that has Kaepernick-esque levels on the “douche-ness” scale.

Denver Broncos – With 31st pick, the Broncos will select 35 points and a second chance.

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks will draft every fan within the Seattle city limits, because they didn’t beat in their original “12th man” stuff to death last year. Barf.

As always, we guarantee these results are 100% accurate, regardless of what actually happens. Enjoy the 2014 NFL draft and remember that the Seahawks are probably gonna win it all again anyways!

It’s been quite some time since the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!™ YouTube video went viral and I want to bring attention to the success that has followed the iconic media sensation. For those of you who aren’t aware, Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins is a charismatic, genuine and wholehearted Midwestern woman known for her idiomatic catchphrases like “I woke up to get me a cold pop”, “I thought somebody was barbecuing”, “Oh Lord Jesus it’s a fire!”, “I got bronchitis” and, most of all, “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!™“, which is a currently held trademark by Wilkins. She initially gained her fame via an interview with Oklahoma City’s local NBC news affiliate KFOR-4, which released the clip that would soon revolutionize the life of “Sweet Brown” entirely.

Now, I’m sure some of you are wondering “Why was this so called ‘Sweet Brown’ lady being interviewed in the first place? What makes her so special?”. Well, allow me to elaborate.

“Sweet Brown”, having been parched throughout the night, decided to venture from her humble abode around 3am on an early April morning to retrieve a delicious, chilled refreshment from the complex’s vending machine. It was along this journey that she noticed an unusual aroma in the air, a scent similar to that of an open pit barbecue. For “Sweet Brown”, though, this was no typical barbecue; this was something far less appealing.

After recognizing that there was a fire in the apartment complex, Wilkins reports having said, “Oh Lord Jesus it’s a fire! Then I ran out, I didn’t grab no shoes or nothing [sic], Jesus! I ran for my life!”. It was at this point that the noxious fumes, which were produced from the fire, interfered with Wilkins’ basic respiratory functions and caused her to develop bronchitis, a condition in which the mucous membranes of the bronchi become inflamed.

That same night, following the blaze, “Sweet Brown” was approached by the local Channel 4 News crew, who were requesting information in connection with the fire that occurred in the complex. This was Wilkins’ golden moment, her time to shine… And she did just that.

Not but a few days afterward, Wilkins was contacted by the same KFOR-4 crew member that had interviewed her just days before, asking to speak with her once again. In an effort to remain anonymous, Wilkins, at first, denied being “Sweet Brown”, until she was scrutinized by the reporter to give up her true identity. Admittedly, Wilkins provided that she, in fact, was “Sweet Brown” and made it aware that she had no knowledge of her fame on the Internet.

As the months rolled past, Wilkins gained popularity at an exponential rate. Shirts with her catchphrases and image appeared all over the Internet, memes with laughable quotes hovered cyberspace and, consequently, she was offered several advertising proposals, some of which she accepted. One example is Shortline Dental’s TV advertisement, which features “Sweet Brown” recalling an unbearable toothache she endured after waking to get a cold pop. She uses her punch line “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!™” to promote the dental firm’s services. What’s most intriguing, though, is Wilkins’ new line of barbecue sauces, which features three different flavors, from mild to hot, respectively: “Oh Lord Jesus it’s Sweet”, “Oh Lord Jesus it’s just Right” and “Oh Lord Jesus it’s a Fire!”. So far, the sauces have gained highly anticipated popularity among the younger generations of consumers and are expected to compete with larger manufacturers of barbecue sauce.

Ultimately, no one could have anticipated the enormous success that “Sweet Brown” has attained. From a part-time daycare assistant to overnight YouTube sensation, Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins has got plenty of time for that.

[The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady, written a few days before the AFC Championship showdown with the Denver Broncos.]

Dear Dream Journal,

Nothing new to report; besides that same dream where a plumber in red overalls drops 94 anvils on me and then dates my mother. Wonder what that one means.

But something else has been troubling me, DJ. Ever get the feeling that people don’t like you?

Let’s rewind a bit.

My name is Tom Brady, all-star Quarterback and all-around great guy.

I like golf.

I like water slides.

I loooooove high-fives.

But people don’t seem to like me…

According to a report by Public Policy Polling, I was named the least favorite NFL quarterback, by name; also taking the highest percentage of “unfavorable” opinions out of all the NFL QBs specifically mentioned on the poll.

And Peyton Manning wins out with the most favorable opinions ratings of everyone! Ugh! I haven’t been this mad since Cougar Town was cancelled!

Like, I don’t get it. What have I done wrong? For what other reason than spite do millions of football fans want me to lose this Sunday against Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos? They’re just haters, that’s all.

3 Super Bowl rings. 3. 9 Pro-Bowls, 2 MVPs, a handful of New England and NFL all-time records. What else do I need to do? How many athletes have the title “Future Hall of Famer” before their name? When I’m inducted in Canton, they’ll be enshrining one of the most successful careers the league will ever see. I’m so freakin good that I had to hire a professional counselor in college to help me cope with the fact that I wasn’t the stud! But still…

Why do they hate me?

It wasn’t the Uggs thing, was it? I mean, they’re comfy and sexy. With a face like mine I HAVE to put it to good use modeling a product that I love. Seriously, I put MUggs (man-Uggs) on the map! A MAP OF MUGGS!

How many men wore Uggs before my campaign? How many men wear them now? Right?

Is it Gisele? Real original guys, hate me for my gorgeous supermodel wife. C’mon. Like you wouldn’t want a Victoria Secrets model? It’s not even a big deal, I mean, I’ve kinda sorta dated actresses and models BEFORE Gisele. Seriously, if you hate me for my beautiful wife, you’re shallow.

I still wonder what it would’ve been like if we had stayed together though. Classy, right? Bloggers are always talking about my breakup. Whatever, we were over long before the trigger was pulled. Gisele was the only thing that kept me going during that time in my life. Dammit, I still miss you, Wes…

It’s gotta be jealousy though. Think about it; I’m strolling the red carpet at the Met Ball, wearing my finest robin’s egg blue suit while those slobs are on their couch in Jersey or Cleveland, or even Buffalo. Ugh, have you ever been to Buffalo? Not the nicest place in the world.

Well, sure, I sit down when I pee, but it’s only so I don’t get any dribble on the Uggs.

I know it now. It’s cause people say I’m too harsh when I scream at my teammates and coaches on national television. Well they shouldn’t screw up so much! Don’t they understand? Football’s a tough game; being competitive means that things like mutual respect for inexperienced talent and professional integrity doesn’t have any place among winners!

And why do people say that I throw tantrums?! That’s just not true! I’m just a strong competitor. The Sunday shows get it! I’m not like Dez Bryant who – well… you know… isn’t a class act like me!

But, Peyton Manning? C’mon. I’m the big winner; I’m 10-4 against him. I win more! Give me more TV time, not that nerdy, fiveheaded freak. I’d love to tell Ron Burgundy about my favorite Spice Girls (Hint: ALL OF THEM) and why it’s so hard being the on-field leader in a team full of rookies.

He’s such a weird guy. Like, ever notice how red his forehead gets after games? Gross! Put some lotion on that, you’re on TV. And all those charitable works where doesn’t disclose the amount he donates. Pretentious much? It’s just so annoying. I mean, I have 2 more Super Bowl rings than that dork.

It didn’t use to be this hard.

In high school I could just throw the touchdowns, date the cheerleaders, and everyone just LOVED me. No one even made fun of the My Little Pony poster (<3 Clover) in my locker or the fact that “Lovefool” by the Cardigans was my pre-game.

I was the best and as long as I won, everyone would keep on loving me. I wouldn’t have to sit with those freaky people at lunch who were always talking to the teachers and didn’t even come to the games on Friday night.

It just makes me so mad DJ. I get hard on myself and I want to do good for my coach so his eyes don’t start glowing again…

I just can’t let it get me down anymore. I’m going to go to Mile High this Sunday and do what I always do. Win. I’m going to win and win and do nothing else. Because in the end, when it comes to athletics it’s only about winning.

The Procrastinator’s Guide to Halloween Costume Selection

High Five Elephant’s cheap last minute DIY Halloween costume ideas!

While you may have dreamt of constructing a fully-functional Robocop suit to wear this Halloween, it now appears that your elaborate costume may never come to fruition. Many of us tend to delude ourselves with visions of Halloween grandeur in the springtime, only to procrastinate right up until the last week of October. Well, fear not tricksters, as I’ve got some wonderful last-minute costume ideas which will surely make you the talk of the town come All Hallows’ Eve!

Costume Idea: Grand Theft Auto V character

Super Easy to Make; Literally Steal Your Halloween Costume Idea

This one is easy. Really, you can wear whichever clothes you’d normally wear. When dressing as a GTA V character, however, it’s all about the execution. When you leave the house on Halloween, it’s imperative you commit as many heinous crimes as possible without actually getting arrested. Need some ideas? Steal a car and drive it into a store-front window. THEN, steal another car, and drive it into another store-front window. After this, find a bat, and senselessly destroy a vending machine and a mail box. When you’re through with this task, steal another car, and drive it into another store-front window. Sense a theme here?

Even though the iPhone 5s was just released, new plans for the iPhone 6 have leaked today. Due to the vulnerabilities already found in the thumb print scanner, Apple has taken new steps to ensure the owner is the only person to ever be able to unlock their phone.

A source close to the iPhone Security Development Team confirmed they have been experimenting with new features for the past year; everything ranging from retina scans to blood tests. Ultimately, DNA test was selected as being the best compromise between speed and security. Starting with the next generation of iPhone, users will need to put a dime’s worth of saliva (roughly 0.25 fl oz) on the new “Spittle Recess” to run a full DNA analysis. Industry analysts are quick to point out potential misreads due to presence of mucus and phlegm, challenging apple to delve into “anti-loogie” technologies, potentially delaying the release until Q4 2014.

The idea was spurred by the advancements in personal DNA analysis. Apple’s engineers have decreased the time to perform a full initial analysis to less than 30 minutes; but to confirm a match only takes 0.30 seconds thanks to advancements in machine learning and big data (Patent number 4,608,967).

Throughout the course of history, man has witnessed a great number of legendary battles. There was Waterloo in Belgium which ended Napoleon’s Hundred Days’ War once and for all, as well the Battle of Lexington and Concord which represented the very start of the American Revolution. I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention Hulk Hogan’s herculean victory over Andre the Giant back in the mid-eighties at Wrestlemania III.

Anyway, while human eyes have actually set their gaze on each of the aforementioned bouts, there are some battles we’re forced to fantasize over. Due to a series of promotional conflicts, there’s a high likelihood we’ll never get to spend 65 dollars to watch Manny Pacquiáo fight Floyd Mayweather Jr. on Pay-Per-View television. Due to entirely separate reasons, there’s a good chance that we’ll never witness a full-scale battle between a colony of fire ants and a colony of termites. A shame, isn’t it?