Life from a half century viewpoint

Menu

Tag Archives: love

First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

Rate this:

I read this article Second Wives Club over at MadameNoire.Com and found it and the ensuing comments riddled with a myriad of reasons why being The Second Wife was a bad thing. Here’s my take on why it’s not necessarily the case.

A man married and subsequently divorced could be a measure of many things, but one never knows unless they ask the questions needed to get to the truth; well, at least his version of it should determine whether or not those reasons are good enough for you to pursue a relationship with him. That aside for a moment, let us consider this, which was not raised…For the most part, we are all someone’s second. Being a second girlfriend exposes us to some of the same dramas, issues, ups, downs, as being a second wife; it’s on the title that changes. If he cheated in his previous relationship, he may very well cheat again with his second. If he had a trifling baby mama, she could very well be a burden in his second relationship. The list continues without my having to bring it forward. Being a second at anything isn’t always bad unless the women enjoys being a mistress and that in and of itself is a whole other issue.

The many comments from the article suggested the drama of the first wife, children, finances, etc could become problems in the second marriage. While I don’t disagree with that, I don’t think it makes being the second wife a bad thing unless he’s not doing his part to ensure the future wife is protected from such bullshiggity. In addition, it’s the second Mrs. that has to do her due diligence to determine whether or not she can or will want to deal with any negativity that may carry over from his first marriage. The woman has a role and is the deciding factor in her moving forward as Mrs. Number Two.

From my personal experience, I spoke to issues and concerns with My Love in regards to his ex-wife and their children. I spoke to that which I would and wouldn’t tolerate and how his children’s behaviour could impact not his and my relationship. We addressed my concerns and came to solutions in order to alleviate any potential stress or drama. I am not friends, nor do I need to be with his ex, but we’re amicable and can be around each other as a situation dictates without incident.

It annoys and galls me that women find the need to be so damned insecure, petty, catty, and the likes when both she and he have divorced. As long as the kids are taken care of, support as dictated or agreed to has been established, and there is no slandering of the respective new party, why should there be drama? Granted, there are those who are just so ignorant, insecure, and short-sighted to move on with their lives that can and will find ways to be a nuisance, but to what end? Showing ones ass only makes a situation worse all around and no one has time for that nonsense; well, I don’t.

Marriages fall apart and just because the first one did is not indicative that the second one will. Sometimes good people simply aren’t good together for whatever reason, so why not allow themselves to move on and try again? At least for better reasons!

Both My Love and I are divorced. I have no dealings or contact with my ex since we didn’t have children together, but My Love has two children with his and shared custody so there is always going to be interaction with her in some way. I’ve firmly stated my ground and reiterate it where necessary. I’ve spoken my peace regarding his children and that has been abided by. I’m the mother of a 22-year old daughter; therefore, I’ve had a lot of experience with raising a child; a lot of which can and will save him from a lot of drama; especially with his daughter. Yes, she’s her own person and will do her own thing; however, my experience and influence should not and fortunately is not discarded or discounted. His son is a whole different ball game, but a child is a child and their traits are quite similar and I’ve had stepson’s in my previous marriage. Experience I’m not without!

First place is always striven for; however, second place has its merits too. The second time around comes with seasoning and refinement. The second time has given you a different life perspective that didn’t come the first time around. An awareness, a sense of self, a growth and maturity, and a want for something that lacked the first time is a gift that comes with appreciation and not expectation. The second time comes with a desire for greater success and a willingness to do more.

I’ve been the second, third, forth in many relationships; my former marriage included, but at no time did I ever discount myself for that ranking. I’ve learned and grown with each experience to be at the place I am now. Of all my relationships, the one with myself has been a hard-earned one. I was second to myself to the deficit for quite some time and it wasn’t until I corrected negatively learned things, that I finally came into myself. No one in the article seemed to consider that! We don’t come into our initial relationships whole, we have to go through many trails and errors in order to be crafted into the fullness and wholeness we become; or at least hope to become before we can be worthy of being a First and so few of us are. To those fortunate to have found The One and The ONLY, I applaud them, but I also know it’s not without work to maintain that. My favourite male cousin has been married for over 30 years, but I know there was infidelity on his part; she didn’t know, or at least I don’t think she did. I know there were many trials and struggles to maintain a marriage of that duration and I wholly applaud that. However, I still will not discount those second marriages. We all need something negative in order to experience and appreciate the positive. Sometimes love is better the second time around!

Yea, I said it!

Rate this:

I was on Madamenoire and saw information and a trailer for a movie which will sadly get little media attention and recognition. So I thought it wise to share in hope that we, as a community can watch it and give it the credence it deserves.

I’m so happy that you’re happy! I like that you’ve been able to accomplish so much in spite of your past, your pain, and your trials. God did as He said he would, and turned them all around and made you triumphant and victorious. You tripped and fell many times and questioned yourself, your direction, and even your purpose in life, but you stood up; you fought on and stopped berating yourself for the choices you made. You came to truly love yourself and for that you should be very proud.

You always relied on your smarts and not your looks to make it through. Not society, not people, and most importantly; not yourself allowed you to be “just a pretty face”. As you would say, if you were, you’d be f*cked in life…lol! You focused on what is truly important and that’s your brain, your content of character and your ability to see beyond what’s so obvious. Intelligence has gotten you out of many a compromising situation, not an ability to play dumb.

In spite of the pain others have inflicted, you were never a hurt person; hurting others. You remained compassionate and kind to other’ even those unworthy of your kind heart. Your random acts of kindness weren’t always random, but planned and intended to make a difference. Why? Because it was important to you. You are an inherently good person who took all her pain and transformed it into something beautiful; something positive.

Even though you weren’t always told you were special or made to feel as such, you finally found a way to tell yourself that. You opened your heart to the most important person…YOURSELF and allowed yourself to feel, know, and believe you are special. You no longer allow others to make you feel what they want you to feel. You’ve come to stand up for yourself, know yourself, appreciate yourself, and be the wonderful person God created you to be. I’m so very proud of you for that.

Given that your modeling in life was rather questionable, you learned to stand firm by yourself and for yourself. You became your own advocate and ultimately, you’re own hero. You don’t look to others to honour or validate you because you don’t need it. You are uniquely and beautifully made and you’ve embraced it fully. You’ve fought the championship bouts in the ring of life and came out the victor; not necessarily for your strength, but for the weakness you felt and needed to overcome. You armoured up and said, “I refuse to back down. I’ve taken too much for too long and now I’m fighting back”. That, my dear, is worth the title of (s)hero!

When all else failed and people let you down, God was always there with you. Too often you tried to go it alone, but you always had the good sense to open your heart back to Him. You allowed Him to take the wheel and steer you on your course and it paid off. You trusted. You believed. You held your faith. You trusted. You suffered, ultimately you were rewarded. God’s grace is exhibited in and through you because you knew that you are better off with Him than without. Hats off to you for that!

So, here you are now, a transformation from a broken and wounded child to a strong and beautiful woman whose battle scars serve as honour badges for the victories won. I am so very proud of you and I love you more than you know.

I have created so many playlists over the years it’s not even funny, but given that was a different time, place, and experience in my life, I can’t use any of them.

Here I go with a new playlist…

To My Love:

Even though you and I both like music, your appreciation of it if very different to mine, but I’ve created this play list because these are songs that remind me of you and of us. These songs are based on lyrical content or from memories we’ve created based on these songs. You’ve become one of the most important people in my life and I thank you for your presence, your love, your fidelity, and for being my best friend. We’ve seen each other through some really bad times and conversely through some of our very best of times; each of which have brought us to where we are and will guide us to our continued journey. We’ve survived relationships that may not always have been the best for us, but from each we’ve learned how to become better lovers and friends now. We’re blessed to have found each other even though we weren’t really looking at each other that way initially. I guess it’s true what they say about the best relationships being formed 1) from being great friends and 2) when you weren’t expecting it.

Rate this:

where I spoke about relationships as we create them to be and what they actually are.

I’m still reading the book: The Adventures of a Love Investigator, 527 Naked Men & One Woman – Barbara Silkstone that inspired the post and the more I read it, the more I see how and why so many relationships thrive or fail. I’m encouraged that the men are speaking so freely, openly, and honestly to the women interviewing them because they’re speaking truths; albeit their own, but it can be a truth none the less.

I think of this statement, “How do you take the first steps toward divorce? You marry the wrong person.” I can’t tell you how true this is. I did it. The writing was on the wall in my marriage from the very start. I was involved with a man who was cheating on his wife. He also cheated on my while cheating on her, which should have been enough for me to let him go, but I thought I was completely in love with him and he thought the same. Writing these words, Tina Turner’s ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It?’ Comes to mind and I laugh a sad laugh because it’s true. Love can very often be exactly what you want it to be and in my case, I wanted it to be him. I’d had a crush on him since I was 19, but avoided a relationship due our eight year age difference and I was months shy of starting my military career, which would and have to take precedence over a relationship. Years later, we came back into each other lives and I thought it was fate for us to be together, but it was yet another left turn. When we finally became a couple it was almost founded on duress after a close mutual friend told him I was too nice a girl to waiting around and certainly didn’t deserve to be a side piece.

Long story short, all the signs that I’d previously ignored shone so brightly they couldn’t be ignored anymore and after some initial trying, we couldn’t make it work and divorced. The ironic part of it all is that he and I were such good friends initially and we seemed like one of those couple who’d remain friends even after a break up, but that wasn’t to be. The absolute saddest part of it all was/is all the things he initially loved about me, became all the things he grew to hate; hence, the opening quote.

I know quite a few people I’ve had to have the “good people aren’t always good together” talk with based on my own experience, common sense, and that state of their relationship. We have to learn that signs are there for a reason. They’re God’s little whisper to us to pay attention, but given that most of us are completely hard-headed, we ignore the signs, forge onward, and then wonder “how did I get here” too late after the fact.

I’ve learned the importance of knowing myself before entering into a relationship because I didn’t want to be one of those “women..guilty of inserting themselves into the man-puzzle when it suits their agenda…” which so many, many women do. It’s a tremendously bad and damaging position to hold and she’ll ultimately do more harm than good in the relationship. I’ve also certainly taken every effort to know whom I’m getting involved with. My Love and I didn’t have it easy in the beginning, but with time, patience, and lots of open and honest dialogue we saw through the issues to make things work. I hold no fantasies of what our lives could and would be, but accepted the reality of our many differences, life experiences, and life goals, which are far more important. I reserve fantasy for my celebrity crushes! 😉