Diners, Drive-Ins, and Why?

My parents didn’t spring for cable until I was 14, and while my little sister was immediately taken by Disney Channel, I passed my considerably more stationary, way less educational afternoons glued to the Food Network. I loved learning recipes from Ina Garten and would tell anyone who’d listen that Emeril was from Fall River – a mere 30 minutes away from Newport! (Srsly, it’s like hop in the car and “Bam!” you’re there!) I didn’t have a boyfriend, but I did know how to make a mean strata. It was a golden age.

Then, one fateful day, I came home from college to discover that my beloved Food Network had added a program called Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. The premise was interesting enough, but the program was hosted by a gentleman whose spiky, bleach blonde hair and penchant for short-sleeved Hawaiian-print button ups gave him a striking resemblance to my middle school gym teacher, Lorraine. This man, as I’m sure you can guess, was Guy Fieri, and because Lorraine never let me sit out due to menstrual cramps for whatever reason, I hate Guy Fieri.

Alas, the world doesn’t much care for what I like, and nearly a decade later, Guy enjoys fame, fortune and oh-so-much greasy food. Most recently, some Internet wizard captured Guy eating in slow-mo and set it to the tune of “Killing Me Softly” (It’s Roberta Flack and not the Fuguees, because of course.). Per Mashable, it’s supposed to whet your appetite and not put you off lunch for a month. You can guess where I fall on the issue, but I’ll let you be the judge: