For the mother of a teenage girl who reported being raped last month by a Highland Park High School senior, the need for dialogue about rape is very personal.

As a young woman, she was raped by her boyfriend on prom night. It was a secret she only told her best friend. “I blamed myself and I didn’t tell my parents,” she recalls.

Now, she hopes her daughter’s case will raise awareness that rape is wrong, no matter the circumstances. “Even though this is hard and nothing we would want to go through, we are going to make some good out of this,” she said.

Her daughter’s case has generated strong — and sometimes ugly — debate about rape and consent in the community, the high school and social media. And it has made some parents question whether they are doing enough to help their sons and daughters make wise choices.

The Oct. 27 incident led to the arrest of Ryan Romo, 19, a baseball player on the Highland Park team. Romo has been charged with sexual assault of a child and is out after posting bail as the case winds through the court system.

The Romo family, through their attorney, declined to comment for this report.

The two teenagers, who were acquaintances, ran into each other at a concert and left together. The girl told police they were kissing in the back seat of his SUV and he refused to stop when she told him she did not want to have sex, according to the arrest warrant affidavit.

The parents of the girl, who are not being named to protect her identity, say they have been “horrified by the attitudes of people … even people who are our friends.”

The backlash has been swift and stinging, they say: Their 16-year-old daughter has been blamed and teased. A friend and classmate told her that “it was not really rape, it was date rape.” Adults have echoed similar sentiments.

The girl’s parents said they have also felt threatened by a possible lawsuit. Their attorney, Blake Beckham, said he received a call on Friday from one of Romo’s attorneys who asked if their daughter was going to recant and then raised the possibility of civil action if the allegations are false. The attorney, Mark Senter, declined to comment Monday.

But the family has also been encouraged by unexpected support, like the note that an anonymous Highland Park mother dropped off on their doorstep, saying she had been raped but never told anyone.

All of it has convinced them that there needs to be greater understanding among teens and their parents.

“The conversation we are trying to encourage with our boys and our girls and encourage others to have is on the whole consent issue,” said the girl’s stepfather. “There seems to be this attitude where no doesn’t mean no.”

According to the arrest warrant affidavit, their daughter told police that she and Romo had kissed, but when he tried to have intercourse, she told him, “No, I don’t wanna do this,” and screamed “stop” because she was in pain.

She went through a hospital rape exam that night and a second exam by a gynecologist who said her abrasions and a laceration indicated the use of force, according to the arrest warrant affidavit.

In conversations between Romo and the girl, which were recorded by University Park police, Romo acknowledged having sex with her and said, “I had fun. We should definitely hang out again,” according to the affidavit.

The police recorded a second conversation in the girl’s car. According to the affidavit, she told Romo, “I just wish it didn’t happen like that, you know like?” He replied, “Yeah.” She said, “Like I wish, cause, I said stop … I said no. … I wish you’d stopped you know or not done it.” Romo replied, “OK, you’re making me feel bad, wow.”

A mother’s reaction

A Highland Park mother of a teenage boy said that Romo’s arrest was a wake-up call. She had been reluctant to talk about sex because it was “awkward and embarrassing.” She wants her children to be abstinent and worried that the conversation might trigger more thoughts about sex.

But after hearing about the arrest, she decided to talk to her son about the potential consequences of sex — physical, emotional and legal. She also emphasized the importance of respecting others’ boundaries.

“You want to make sure your kids are on the right path,” said the mother, who asked to remain anonymous to protect her children’s privacy.

Of all the topics parents discuss with their children — from alcohol to drugs to sex — they tend to discuss dating abuse the least. Only 37 percent of parents talked about dating violence with their 11- or 12-year-old boys, according to a 2011 study published by the Journal of Adolescent Health. About half talked about it with their children age 11 to 18.

“Dating abuse isn’t on parents’ radar screens as much,” said Emily Rothman, the Boston University professor who authored the study. “Parents said things like, ‘My kids are too young’ or ‘They are not dating yet’ or ‘They just learn from experience.’

“We have done a fairly good job at giving parents good tools when talking about drug use and alcohol and pregnancy prevention. Dating abuse is late to join, and we need to start focusing on that more.”

Studies show those conversations make a difference.

Talking about teen dating abuse, including rape and sexual assault, can decrease a teen’s chances of being a victim or a perpetrator, according to another study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

And to be effective, those conversations don’t need to be long-winded lectures at the kitchen table, said lead researcher Vangie Foshee, a professor at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. They can be quick talks after seeing a violent scene on TV or hearing women-bashing song lyrics.

Dr. Chuck Brodsky, a Dallas obstetrician and gynecologist who has teenage sons, says those talks need to be frequent and direct.

“You wouldn’t assume a kid can drive just because you drive a car. Or can use a computer because you hand them a computer,” he said. “To assume your kid understands what’s involved in a healthy relationship — physical or nonphysical — is really a leap on a parent’s part.”

Brodsky, a former college rape crisis counselor, said he explained the difference between sex and rape to his two sons and daughter by describing sex as “a very mature part of a relationship” and by framing it as “an expression of love.”

A personal connection to sexual violence inspired Mike Domitrz to start talking. He was a 19-year-old college student when he learned his sister had been raped. As he talked to friends about it, he recognized a pattern: “The far, far majority” of men were not asking for permission before becoming intimate.

“They assume their partner wants something, so they just go for it,” he said. “They don’t ask their partner about what they are comfortable doing or what they are not comfortable doing.”

He founded the Wisconsin-based Date Safe Project and travels the country teaching students how to communicate in relationships and prevent dating violence.

Parents must recognize that without the proper knowledge, their child could be a perpetrator of sexual violence, he said.

“If a teen is not taught about what consent is, the risk of them sexually assaulting somebody is higher,” he said. “If no one teaches me I have to give my partner a choice, I may not give my partner a choice. … Your child may say, ‘What? That’s not sexual assault, that’s dating.’”

In North Texas, a handful of groups are working to supplement conversations at home.

The Dallas Area Rape Crisis Center and The Turning Point in Collin County lead presentations at middle schools, high schools and Girl Scout meetings about prevention of bullying, sexual harassment and different types of oppression.

“Our programs are focused on what we can do to create a world where there is no space for sexual violence,” said Bobbie Villareal, interim executive director for Dallas Area Rape Crisis Center.

In Plano, two moms started the Young Men’s Service League to foster relationships between mothers and teenage sons while participating in community service. Since the nonprofit was founded in 2001, it has expanded to five states, co-founder and president Pam Rosener said.

Along with community service, the boys learn life skills — from how to tie a tie to how to make responsible dating choices.

“It’s hard to be in high school right now,” Rosener said. “We want to reinforce that the good guys are the guys you need to be.”

Follow Melissa Repko on Twitter at @melissa_repko.

PARK CITIES RAPE ALLEGATIONS

The following are tips from two organizations, the Date Safe Project and Men Can Stop Rape, on how to talk to children about sensitive issues regarding rape:

Listen with an open mind. If your child senses judgment, he or she is less likely to confide in you.

Don’t victim-blame. Be careful when talking about risk factors and safety. Sexual assault is never justified — no matter what someone wears, how much alcohol he or she drinks or how many sexual partners he or she has had. Ideally, address those topics in a separate conversation.

Research and consult with friends, family members or religious leaders. Preparing may make the tough conversations more comfortable for you and your child.

Don’t skip the conversation about sex and rape, even if your child is not dating or having sex. Your child will hear messages from movies, friends and social media. By beginning the conversations early, you can become the primary source.

Don’t use gender-specific language. Men and women can be victims and perpetrators. Avoid portraying either gender as “bad” or as “trouble.”

Define consent and state laws. Explain to your child that consent must be freely given. Being unconscious, incapacitated by alcohol or drugs or coerced by a partner means that person is not capable of consent.

Don’t put your child on the spot. Immediately asking children about their relationships or actions may embarrass them or cause them to shut down. Instead, consider opening the discussion by saying, “I hear teenagers are doing this; what do you think?” You could also break the ice by referring to something you’ve seen in pop culture or in the news.

Use a positive tone. Avoid threatening your children. Emphasize that you respect them enough to have a mature conversation and trust that their good judgment in everyday life will translate to healthy relationships and good choices about intimacy.

Be hands-on in your child’s social life. Meet your child’s friends, and their girlfriends or boyfriends. Know where they are going and who will be supervising.

Model healthy relationships. Lead by example. Avoid fights, put-downs and power struggles.

Resources

Love Is Respect Project: The website is a joint effort between Break the Cycle and the National Dating Abuse Hotline. Parents or teens can speak anonymously with a peer advocate through a phone hotline, online chat or texting. Find it at loveisrespect.org.

Men Can Stop Rape: The national organization offers free resources, including fliers about healthy masculinity and the difference between rape and sex. Find it at mencanstoprape.org.

American Academy of Pediatrics: The national organization addresses a glossary of parents’ toughest topics, including tips about sex, safe dating and dating violence. Find it at aap.org.