We are committed to R. I am struggling to forgive WH. I kept telling myself all the positives that have happened in the last year but there are small parts that I can’t let go and forgive. Maybe I need more time.

About 15 years ago WH became friends with a group that met drinking and went on guy trips. Seemed harmless at the time. Over time WH began hanging out more with one of the friends and acting more and more like him. In 2011 the friend wanted to leave his wife and a few months later WH came home and said he wanted to leave me. A few months later I found out the friend was having an A and knew WH must be as well. It took a year of looking to finally find a text from OW. During that year WH lied every time I asked if there was OW. During the 2 year A WH went on extended business trip and guy trips I later found out included the OW. I confronted him asking for the truth and again he lied. I told him to leave. He moved in with his friend who was divorcing his wife. During our separation he couldn’t take the kids and I finally told him he needed to find his own place where he could take the kids or move back home and work on our marriage. A month after he moved home I found a text from OW. He told me the truth and said he ended the A during our separation but she kept texting him. Over the next 6 months his behavior was similar to before DDay and he was resisting the things I wanted him to do. I asked him to leave again. Four months later we started MC. A few months later I found an email dated 3 months after DDay between WH and OW that proved he lied again.

Since DDay I found out the friend introduced WH to the OW and planned most of the trips they all went on. WH told me he couldn’t tell his friend he wanted to end the A. I believe WH wanted his friend to believe he was just like the friend – ready to leave me and continue the fun as single men. I believe WH put up a façade with our life and the life he led with his friend. I think if I wasn’t starting to pressure him, the OW and friend pressuring him to leave me he would have continued the A as long as he could. I wonder if he really did try to end the A before I found out. I do know his first attempt to reduce the pressure was to tell me he wanted to leave me. I don’t think I will ever know the truth.

Today he has cut back time spent with his friends that were not friends of our marriage. He is more involved with our kids activities. He has shown more patience and has curtailed his sharp hurtful words. These are good changes but there is one area I am most concerned about. It is WH ability to live two separate lives and maintaining a façade. My WH grew up were the façade was all that matters. Nobody dared to embarrass his mother. I have talked about this in MC and we talked about living with facades. My concern is if WH has spent most of his life where what others think was more important than his immediate family and how can he change this in one year. I can forgive him if he continues to work of the FOO issues. He says he has learned a lot about himself and accepts responsibility for what he has done. I told WH I need more time because of how long the lies went on.

I'm not sure he can change it all in a year, but he can choose to invest in active changes every single day, and that will eventually lead to permanent and necessary change. A quick flight to change usually has just as quick a flight back to status quo. As long as he's working and you are seeing consistent effort and positive change, it would seem that your M stands a very good chance of surviving.

My H's A behavior sounds somewhat similar to your WH, and I too marveled at his ability to live two separate lives, and seemingly "pick" the MOW on both of my Ddays. I can only speak from my own experience, but after over 2 years of IC and MC, my H really reintegrated himself, and we both continue to grow in healthy ways. He is once again the man I married and the guy who damn near destroyed us both is long gone.