I am a box of hangers

Do you ever look up on a clear night at the vast sky above and attempt to contemplate the sheer size of the universe, while considering your role as one of many inconsequential life forms on our tiny speck of a planet?

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By Adam Leech

seacoastonline.com

By Adam Leech

Posted May. 2, 2014 at 2:00 AM

By Adam Leech
Posted May. 2, 2014 at 2:00 AM

» Social News

Do you ever look up on a clear night at the vast sky above and attempt to contemplate the sheer size of the universe, while considering your role as one of many inconsequential life forms on our tiny speck of a planet?

Existential crises can be quite jarring. You start to question every little action, the meaning of life, and who you truly are.

To combat this, I sought answers from the only place that could tell me who I truly am: the quiz page at Buzzfeed.com.

As it turns out, I am a box of hangers.

Who should you marry?

I was asked a series of vital questions to consider when choosing a spouse, such as "Which dog would you invite to your wedding?" Well, the distinguished-looking corgi in the top hat, of course. For a wedding planner, I chose the enthusiastic banana over Jennifer Lopez and the little girl picking her nose.

It starts off poorly as it tests my patience with slow walkers, bad parkers, and loud people. The options gradually escalate to "Laughter," "Children," and "The laughter of children," which grants me some reprieve.

Verdict: Moderate people hater. I am assured this is perfectly natural: "You don't put up with nonsense but you're probably not a (insert expletive here)."

Are you a brunch superstar?

I don't check any of the boxes as I've never really brunched on purpose.

Verdict: "You checked off 0 out of 60 — reasonable person."

What award should you win?

This one is enticing. It asks what I am doing, how I am feeling, and which animal is winning at life. It's a close call, but the cat watching NASCAR is the clear victor over the dog being fed a pizza crust and the napping sloth.

Verdict: The Award for Outstanding Achievement in Being Awesome: "Not many people make it to the elite awesome level. In fact, you may be the only one."

Things are looking up.

How bad are your life choices?

It doesn't start off well, as I immediately have to confess to eating Taco Bell twice in a day, wearing a fedora, eating an entire Cinnabon, drinking a liquid without knowing what it was, Googling medical abnormalities, and applying for a credit card just for the free T-shirt.

Thankfully, I haven't stolen an exotic animal or hunted humans.

Verdict: 29 of 102: "You've made some bad choices along the way, but it's never too late."

What super power should you have?

Pick a fake superhero: Stapler Hands or Ham Face? Hmmm. What baby animal would you save first? The kitty with the floppy ears wins over the fuzzy piglet. How do I feel about burps? I feel great about them.

Verdict: The ability to eat an infinite amount of pizza: "In a pizza-related crisis, the mayor should call YOU."

Not sure how we reached that conclusion, but moving on ...;

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

My general size, past interest in martial arts, and willingness to tear off the pop prince's limbs and use them as weapons are viewed positively.

Result: Not a hipster: "You like normal stuff and you're not a jerk. Congratulations!"

Are you holy enough to receive communion?

The first questions are easy, as I was baptized, but then it gets into what I actually believe. Since when does that have anything to do with religion?

Verdict: "You got 11 out of 24 right! NO COMMUNION FOR YOU!"

Oh well, probably wasn't going to make it to church anyway.

What arbitrary thing are you?

Frankly, if you're asked what liquid you would like filled in your tub and you do not choose Jell-O, I don't think I can trust you. I'm asked how I would spend a day with Beyonce. Well, since we've already established that we're destined for each other, I think "karaoke" is the only real choice here. Pick a supernatural creature? There's that enthusiastic banana again! Score!

Verdict: "You're a box of hangers! Maybe you'll come in handy one day.