The Lazy Scholar's Guide to Writing A Term Paper

Author's Note: This information is not for the hardened stack
hound known as the "graduate student."

That glassy-eyed stare, battered knapsack and air of being
above and beyond mere mortal concerns is not you. You, the
freshman student at the great university, are still a normal,
sensible person just trying to fill in all the squares of your
program as worked out by you and your freshman or sophomore
adviser. Life is good and the world outside awaits your arrival,
degree in hand and eyes focused on the future. You are just
taking a few years off to go through the formalities of a formal
education. While your social life is paramount, you still
want to make sure that your grades are respectable, and you do
not want any more stress than is absolutely necessary.

So here you are attending class on a regular basis, reading
assignments and waiting for the Friday quiz. This has not
occurred yet. Then your instructor drops the bomb. Fifty
percent of your grade this term will be based on a research
paper. Some clown asks how long the paper has to be and is
answered with the classic "long enough to thoroughly discuss
the subject." Another anxious type inquires about the subject.
You will probably get lucky and be given a list of suitable
subjects. Yes, this is lucky. Wait until you have to generate
your own thesis and you'll understand what real anxiety is.

Now let's return to your problem. You have to pick a subject
for a research paper from a list of subjects about which you
know little and care less about. What should a sophisticated
student do? Well there is a solution. The Lazy Scholar is at
your service. Once upon a time, a very long time ago, the
The Lazy Scholar cast about wondering what to do, when a
friend happened to mention the fact that he knew a character
who was working his was through the university writing papers
for young gentlemen who had pressing social responsibilities
and a moderate amount of cash. The friend offered to
introduce the Lazy Scholar to this disgusting creature, and
the Lazy Scholar found himself intrigued by the prospect.
A phone call was made and the meeting was to take place
in an off campus cafe known for not being a place where
any well-connected person would be found. But the coffee, while
not good, was cheap, and since one had to serve oneself,
there would be no waitress to bother one's train of thought.

The Lazy Scholar, who was and still is an optimist, wandered
into the cafe and met a young man who was tall and not bad
looking. He had a wry smile and a condescending attitude
towards his clientele. "I like to do research," he stated.
"I find out a lot of things I didn't know before, and it sure
beats standing up and waiting tables like a lot of people
have to do to work their way through college. "

"But isn't this a little dishonest?" asked the Scholar. The
Scholar was in a state of shock, feeling that he had seen the
face of Evil and being aghast to find out that it looked just
like every other face on campus.
"I didn't make them dishonest," said the young man. "They were
already that way when they came looking for me."

The Scholar decided that he was getting into a moral minefield
and decided to stay focused. "You must work awfully hard," he
said.

"Not at all," replied the young man. "You just have to follow
a logical system. "I'll teach it to you and you'll do just fine."
"What's the subject that you need to write about?" he queried.
"Ah," thought the Scholar, "there's nothing illegal here if, I
just learn the method and write the paper myself using his
techniques."
An hour and a half later the Scholar left the small café in a
confident mood. The Scholar had learned the first steps in writing
which he has refined over the years into a workable plan of attack
on any subject.

The first thing that you must do after receiving
The Assignment is to make certain the parameters of
the research are well-defined. This will be different
for each subject. An assignment from the Department of
English will be a little different from the one from the
Department of History. Some assignments will have you comparing
writing styles while others will have you looking for the latest
studies on human behavior. Nevertheless, all research papers
have a common purpose of giving you the responsibility for finding
the latest information and presenting it in a logical way.
This is what is facing you and making you feel a vague sense of
dread. Take it easy. The Lazy Scholar is here to show the way to
writing success with the least effort and greatest enjoyment.

First, go to the nearest Mega Office Store and find colored
index cards and a package of large rubber bands. Buy at least
three packs of lined colored cards. The 4x6 inch size is best
because it gives you more space to write, and since a lot of
your notes will be in longhand, size will be a factor. Another
good purchase is some very small sticky notes which can mark pages
without damaging the book or document. Now you need to find a
large shoe box or other box that will fit your cards. Don't think
about your subject yet and do not look at latest war game for your
PC on the sale rack.

Now, armed with the basic equipment, go to the library computer monitor
and find the most general book on your subject that you can possibly
find. Note here that you want to make sure that your subject has
a great many entries. Do not try to be a hero (this year) by doing
research on a subject that not even scholars are writing about.
You can save that one for your dissertation one day. Check out
the book and immediately walk across campus to the nearest coffee
shop. No! Not the one where all the fun people are. Go to the one
that has all the people no one ever talks to hang out. You know
which one it is. The people that mutter to themselves about
politics and/or actually read poetry are the people that you want
to be around just now. You will not even want to start up a
conversation. Get your coffee and start looking at the Table of
Contents, which is the outline for the entire book. Now, start
dipping into the book and be sure to write down any questions that
come to mind on a large legal pad. Almost like magic a plan of
attack will begin to form. You may change your game plan later,
but at least you have one and the afternoon is still young. Read
several paragraphs in each section of your book until you
put yourself to sleep. Tomorrow morning you will have an even
more refined game plan. You will have spent your sleeping hours
letting the right side of your brain do the creative side of your
work. A good working relationship with the right side of his
brain is one of a lazy scholar's best secret weapons. Getting
one's brain in a knot by thinking and thinking for hours on end
will send you nowhere except to the medicine cabinet for headache
relief.

The Lazy Scholar feels very strongly that worrying is a tremendous
waste of time and that action is the only rational reaction to
something that one absolutely must get done.

Now that something is beginning to form in your mind regarding
the heretofore amorphous and formless subject, you
now need to go to the best bookstore in town and purchase a
style manual. Any guide put out by the MLA will fill the need
very efficiently. For those who have not been in the writing
game for much longer than Fall Registration, MLA stands for
the Modern Language Association and anything put out by them
is considered as gospel by your faculty. This little guide
will be your constant four-year companion as you chart your
course through the maze of higher learning and it will save
you countless hours. In a recent foray through a huge book store
the Lazy Scholar found the
MLA Handbook for Writers of Research
Papers, 4th edition by Joseph Gibaldi to be an excellent tool.
Another reference book
that you will need is one that not only shows you how to do
research on the Internet, but how to document what you have used
so that you will appear to be a competent researcher to your
instructor. The other excellent prize that the Lazy Scholar
found on his excellent quest was aptly named
The Research Paper
and The World Wide Web by Dawn Rodrigues. You may feel that
you are King of the Internet, but The Lazy Scholar presumes
that you just may not be as efficient at sound Internet
research as you could be. This excellent little guide
not only has a well organized approach to the subject,
but also offers you a web address for further help. An arsenal of
good reference books will save any lazy scholar countless inefficient mistakes
and supply him with more of his desired leisure time.

The most important rule the Lazy Scholar insists on is: Get
Started Early. Inefficient people work far more hours than
focused, efficient people. People who worry rather than work
always spend all their good time in various modes of misery and
despair. This leaves very little time for recreation and rest.

Now, come back to your legal pad with its large, scrawled
outline and take out your colored cards. Assign a different
color to each section of your general outline. Write
the general subject of each section of your outline plan
at the top of your colored card. Then when you find a
piece of information on that subject in the stack of books
you have checked out, you can quote the passage, note down
your source, (page number, call number, web address, etc.).
You already know where you are going to insert this little
nugget of scholarly information. And you can also give a
sardonic smile at all those pathetic, unimaginative people
struggling with little white cards that are so easy to
misfile. You are certain that pink cards are going to
be about the early whatever of your subject, and filing will
be a breeze. Automatically as you read, you will be
noting where in your outline this particular piece of
information belongs.

The next ironclad rule of the Lazy Scholar is that you never
check out a book without noting all the bibliographical
information plus the call number on a separate card.
You may use white cards for this little chore, and remember
to use only one card for each information source. You can
write all sorts of information about each particular source
on the card, but never put more than one source on each card.
Then when the time comes, you can alphabetize your cards
very easily for your bibliography. If you have a good memory
for picky little details, memorize the MLA form for each type
of reference and put it down in correct form. This saves
a great deal of time and stress.

Now you are finally ready to get started. Pick up the books
you have checked out (one on the history of the subject and
one that chronicles what everyone has always thought about
the subject). Go somewhere that is quiet, not too comfortable
and far from anyone with which you could be tempted to
hold any kind of conversation. Skim the books. Now,
go back and read more in depth, taking notes as you go along.

Next you need to find a highly intelligent person to talk
over your subject with and give you some feedback. Persons
to avoid in this encounter are present love interests, guys
you play basketball with, your Mother and your best friend.
Seek out intelligent, unappreciated types who actually may
become excellent friends. You at least owe them a cup of
coffee or better for listening to your amateur expertise.
Whatever you do, don't let this person feel used. After
all other students have been doing this to him since sixth
grade, and he can recognize a user after the first
paragraph you utter.

The most important rule that a lazy scholar must follow,
if he wants a superior grade, is that you simply cannot
write a research paper on any subject until you first become
an expert on that subject. Every sentence you write will
sound fake, and you will be suspected of stringing together
pirated phrases from a variety of texts into an
indigestible stew of verbal nonsense. This little peccadillo
has an ancient and evil history, but most writers simply call
it by its modern name: plagiarism. Writing can come only
after knowledge, so choose your subject with a view towards
having a little diversion while researching.

When you feel that you are ready to write, begin with the
second paragraph. That's right. Just like being at the pool
on a hot day in summer, plunge right in. The shock will be
terrible, but you will come up for air. The best rule for
writing when you are new to the game is to write the main
body of your
work, then write the conclusion and introduction last.
The title is one of the most unimportant parts of your
work until you become a more professional writer. Write
at a regular time every day, or night until you have arrived
at about 2,000 words. What? You feel as if you are writing and
raving at the same time? No one will want to read this stuff?
(Well, chuckles the Lazy Scholar, your instructor and your
typist have to.) Just keep writing and writing, flipping
through all your cards according to color. Tell your reader
that Dr. Hassenpffeffer says this while Prof. Schnitzle points
out that this could not possibly be the case for these enumerated
reasons. Point out that the Society for Sane Senility is
conducting a study to prove that every one is racing in the
wrong direction and if they don't stop will be accused of
circular thought. Etc., Etc. Put it all down. This is no time
to stop. Pound those keys . Night after night, at the same
time do your time in purgatory at the keyboard. Then one night
you will find that you have gone through every color of card
and have said it all. Take a good walk and enjoy the feeling.
But don't walk too long, or you will lose your fighting edge.
Remember what they say at football games. It's not over until
it's over.

Write and type your bibliography, using the style decreed by
the MLA. It's torture, but it must be done. Now don't
forget one important principle; it is better to over
document than to have to go back. Besides, it's intimidating
to your readers. No one will probably think to question a
well-documented bibliography. This is especially a caveat
to the Internet researcher. Your first reader, your instructor,
may feel that checking out one of your references on the Internet
will show how excellent your scholarship is. Fail this check
and you cast a small mushroom shaped cloud over the
remainder of your careful searches.

Now that everything is in some kind of readable form, you must
seek out a special person. Your duty now is to find the most
critical person you know and ask him or her to read your work.
This is going to be painful, so steel yourself. Reward this
person with copious thanks, praise and other things, and
then leave as he sits there in a confused state. Cool off.
Then read with a critical eye. Your best critic is not your best
admirer.

Now make corrections and then set your work aside. Like pastry
dough, it needs to rest and so do you. Wait as long as possible,
and then read your work as if some stranger had written
it. Sound pretty good? Excellent. Now you are off to the
typist who very well may be that delightful creature that
you have been dating. Reward this person well. You could go get
his or her oil changed and the tires rotated. Do whatever will
produce a happy and accurate typist. Turn in your paper
on time, but not ahead of time. This will protect you from
having your opus misfiled. If you don't believe the
Lazy Scholar, peek through the open doors of university
faculty members' offices. Now go out for some well-deserved
recreation.

**The Lazy Scholar spent eight months researching a suitably
obscure yet fascinating topic for a
Masters Thesis at a major university. Research was done nightly
between the hours l0:30 p.m. and l:00 a.m. Research books were
checked out on Saturdays, microfilm was ordered from various
sources and other materials were discovered at various times.
The Lazy Scholar then began the actual writing of his thesis.
He worked every evening on the same schedule and
completed it in only two weeks. The manuscript was sent
to the typist, and then to the Lazy Scholar's committee. This august
body, known for its terrorization of lowly graduate students,
pronounced it excellent and asked for no corrections. The Lazy
Scholar considers this to be the highest commendation possible,
and that nothing further needs to be said.