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piggy back to 'POEPLE DONT UNDERSTAND!!' it's my mom...

i've been wanting to write about this for a very long while, but everytime i logged on to do it, i would get so sad and very angry. plus, i just didnt want to go there (always wanting to stay positive and upbeat), and then i didn't or dont know how. it has to do with my mom. im still just flabbergasted at the whole situation....well here it goes...

ok, 13 minutes has passed, and i still dont know where to begin.
:? :lol:
my mom has just been impossible, and unbelievable thru my whole ordeal. i really dont know how else to say it, and it hurts to type this, but i just have to get it out. before i spill some of my guts about the situation, let me do some prefacing...

ok, maybe she's just as confused, frustrated, scared, hurt, etc... as i am, and all of that. she has an awful way of showing it. i guess im just so hurt with how she's reacting/handling with all of this. im so sad.

its been going on from day one (getting sick in jan '04) with how she treats me, which is down right mean, sometimes practically provoking incidents in the name of teasing. I was in the ER and she was pissed of because i couldnt pick up the SUV for her so we could go to skiing. i was admitted and told i was gravely ill, it may e cancer, etc, and she stayed in tahoe for 3 more days. (yeah, i guess im still hurt/angry..ya think?!? :lol: ) anyway, she has become completely and totally self centered saying ' i havent offered any help or support because it's time that you be a woman'. i'm 39 years old mind you with a dear hubby of 10yrs and a 5 yr old. not to toot my own horm but im doing pretty good only by the grace and mercy and love of GOD. she also says 'well, what about me? i dont have anyone to hang out with' or 'why do i always have to come to see you? im the mom, you are supposed to come see me. i hate drving all that way (14 miles)'. along with a few other awful (at least i think) things. she tsk, tsk's my symptoms and tries to one up me with her aches and pains (she's 58yr old), and love to tell me that it's just that i'm now middle ageds and my issues are due to that and menupause. it's has gotten so bad that it's all dear hubby can do to have her in our house. he just can't take her and how she's treating me anymore. she know's something's wrong, but we both tip toe around it.

i really dont know if i should say just how much she's hurt me because i dont think she'll see it. in general she's one of those "poor me, woe is me, me, me, me" kind of person, and until i got sick, i just didn't pay her any attention. i dont know why it's a big deal for me now. i'm thinking that God has put it in my spirit to deal with her, which is why maybe she's like a thorn in my side all of a sudden with her selfish and self centered behavioir. also, i think that, well, she's my mom, and who of all people should be the one to understand? or at least be there for me and my family?

so, my question is... is my theory plausible (about God putting it in my spirit), and should i address this with her? and if so, then how. she's very dramatic and could make a scene, believe it or not :roll: i hate saying this, but i think she's maybe one of the reasons why i have mini flares. she's very stressfull.

Your mom sounds very Narcisitic (I don't think I spelled that right)..but that personality would be more concerned about themselves and think the whole world revolves around them. Do some research on it and see if it fits the situation.

Before (and even for a time after) my mom got so ill, she was very much the same way. My whole life was lived for her and what she wanted. I did or didn't do things because of how I thought she would think of me. Finally, it pushed me to the point of suicide. I don't mean suicidal thoughts...I mean...I can't tell you exactly why I'm still here, or how long I sat at this particular intersection making my decision to live or die. I found something in all of my confusion to cling to. I don't know how to explain it to anyone...except to say that it was the most painful and horrifying moment of my life.

Don't let your mom push you to that point. It took me a few years (and very intense therapy) before I could talk about the incident without breaking down and crying.

Maybe instead of approaching your mom and causing an incident, a more positive approach would be to learn to how to not let her get to you. The stress is there because you let her comments hurt you and you take them personally...who wouldn't? But once you understand that it's her and not you, things tend to get a little easier...the guilt trips don't work anymore...and you realize that once you forgive yourself, you can forgive her and keep on forgiving her....she's mom.

It's not an easy answer, becuase there isn't an easy answer (except just to walk away from her..ewww). It's going to take some work on your part to redefine your perception of yourself first, and then of her. It's sort of like rebuilding yourself from your toe nails up.

I'm still not done rebuilding...and there are things that I work on everyday. Sometimes, I still let the guilt trips get to me and that's when I have to take a step back and look at the situation.

Your mom isn't going to change, because she doesn't see a problem...so I guess you have to ask yourself if you're willing to put in the work to change your perspective of her and the dynamics of your relationship with her.

i thank you so much for touching me with your heart kokopeli. im so very glad you came back to us (the world).

i just deleted about 3 full paragraphs (and its HARD for me to type!!) because i just didnt want to ramble on about my mom, not giving her and the situation any power, which im big on.

you're right, she is narcisitic (sp?), and the family has known this for forever. we all just saw her for what she was/is and kept going. however, when i got sick, something changed. it's like a switch fliped, and i cant ignore her like i did in the past. its like my body and, more importantly and interestingly, my spirit wont let it go. ive prayed, meditated. nothing.

in writing all of that before and then deleting it, i see that i do need to say or write sometihng to her. i have to. to have peace in my spirit and for my health, my life.

i thank you kokopeli, and everyone on this site for cultivating an environment like this for me to vent. i journal, but this is different. its not about whether someone responds or not (at least for me..), just that im able to put it out there and i know someone hears me, feels me. thank you

I'm SO sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with your mom, but please know that I am praying for you. May God give you the strength and the composure to be able to deal with this very complex situation.

I'm glad it could be of some help to you. Only you know the right path for you to take and must do what you feel will help you the most.

You mentioned that you might write to your mom and tell her how you feel. I find that when I have something that is difficult to say, I can express myself better in writing then I can in speaking. Sometimes, I just let my fingers and see what's there and then decide if want to send/print it or not. I have even written letters to my husband to try to explain my feelings because I couldn't verbalize them!

I'll be thinking of you and am glad that we are all here to support you! *hugs* I'm glad I'm still here too.

I have a couple thoughts to share with you. Parden my bluntness, but it seems to me you have two options (if I'm reading your situation correctly, of course):

1. Confront your mother about her behavior. However, it seems to me that she does not do much self-examination and may just get defensive/blaming/making excuses, making you feel worse in the process. This may help you feel better by getting your feelings off your chest to the person who is causing those feelings; however, it could make the relationship worse.

2. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and limit your contact with your mom to the times you feel you can deal best with it. Accept your mom for what she is, but know you are not obligated to be with her/around her at her whim. Find healthy ways to decompress after spending time with your mom and ways to rejuvenate yourself so you are emotionally ready when you do choose to be with your mom.

None of us deserves to be treated poorly. However, there are not often easy solutions to these family dynamics that are long-standing patterns. It sounds like your husband is supportive and that is really good.

I'm really thinking of you and wishing you the best in dealing with this difficult situation, Angela!

I feel for what you are going through. I was lucky enough to have a good relationship with my mom once we got past the rocky teen years, but I can only describe my relationship with my MIL as painful. It sounds as though there has been a lot of hurt and heartbreak with your mom in the past. But sometimes, hard as it is, we have to accept that we can't change other people - they can only change themselves. With my MIL, the only way to have a relationship with her was to accept how she was, forgive her for the things she had said and done in the past, and move on with my life. It's hard to let go of bitterness and resentment, but as long as you have those feelings toward a person, they are like a chain that holds the two of you together. The only way to break the chain is to forgive the person and let go of the anger and hurt feelings. There's a verse from Ephesians I used to have to repeat to myself a lot:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. -- Ephesians, 4:31-4:32.

There is a book I found really interesting and helpful, by Sidney and Suzanne Simon, called "Forgiveness: How To Make Peace With Your Past And Get On With Your Life". There are a couple of passages that really speak to me about issues I've been dealing with in some of my relationships.

"Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves. "

"All the years you have waited for them to "make it up to you" and all the energy you expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get."

I hope that you are able to talk to your mom, and reach some kind of understanding and reconciliation. That mother/daughter relationship can be so complicated and painful, but it is something you miss when it is gone. But if you can't, and nothing changes, then know that you have done all you can, and move on with your life. You have many wonderful and important events ahead of you with ladybug, and they should not be overshadowed by your relationship with your mom. Focus your heart and your energy on the things you can change - turn the rest over to God.

oh, all your WISDOM. it's like tender, strong, firm arms wrapped around me. holding me up. i cant tell you all how much all of your words, FEELINGS FOR ME, feel to me. comfort. thank you, thank you. yes, you all are right and i know this in my heart and spirit. which is why i had to vent in the first place. i normally dont share stuff about her because i know every word of what you all have said to be true, so why waste energy, emotion.

i had in the past though. way in the past. i had it in me to try to understand her, her 'plght', point of view. i tried to understand her childhood issues, fears, concerns, etc... why not? she's my mom afterall. and don't most moms want some understanding from their children? i was 19 years old at the time.

I understand a lot of what you're going through, Angela. My MIL is very similar to your mother. She doesn't know about my illness because she would treat it as a character flaw. Before I got sick, my elderly, frail grandmother moved to town, and she was jealous because that removed attention from her. Knowledge of my illness would do the same.

I highly recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail (by Susan Forward?). Sounds like your mom uses it. Basically, it is FOG, or causing fear, obligation, or guilt in another person to get what you want. She lists several simple responses that protect you and frustrate the heck out of the blackmailer. For example, "you're entitled to your opinion" is one I use a lot. If you don't want to read the whole book, you could just xerox those responses and use them.