Four people sharing a roof

This afternoon and evening my daughter bugged me at various intervals with the wish to be allowed to go to the movies. But the film wouldn’t start until 8:45 pm and she wouldn’t get home until midnight or so. It’s Sunday night and the rest of us have to get up early tomorrow. So I said No.

As usual, my son provided comic relief and said: “How about you sit down with me and we do equations together? That would be lots of fun.” (I’d been bugging him all afternoon to bring his math stuff down to the kitchen and get to work, as he has a test on Tuesday.) He said it in the perfect plastic happy-family voice. (Kind of like Bart Simpson’s neighbors. I forget their name.) She laughed and sat down. Then it occurred to her that she had a few more Christmas present wishes. My son took the notepad and wrote down a few things himself. “A walnut. An almond. A Teddybear. A Barbie house.” It made my daughter crack up. But back to the main story.

Oh, one more aside. She complained that her girlfriend was allowed to go out tonight, and her mother has to work, too. She has to be at work by 8 am, whereas I don’t have to be at work until 4 pm! Well, I have to wake her brother up at 6:15 and then I’m up for the day. So there!

I suggested that she go to the movies on Wednesday, since we have vacation/off from work. Then it wouldn’t matter if she came home late and I had to pick her up from the train station. I was mixed up and thought Wednesday was the 23rd. We celebrate Christmas here on the 24th — which happens to be Wednesday. She asked her father, and he was the one who told her that Wednesday is Christmas Eve. She came back to me and said: “Okay. You said I could go out on Wednesday, so I will. Papa said it’s a family celebration. But for us it’s no family celebration. We’re just four people living under the same roof!” Wow, that was quite a statement!

Funny that she would say that just now, as I’m trying to decide whether to have “the talk” with my husband before or after Christmas, but in any case before the end of this year. It has taken me years to get this far, but that’s okay. I’m a slow learner. The more I think about it, the less dramatic “the talk” will be. It boils down to something quite simple: We both gave it our best shot, but it didn’t work. We aren’t happy, so what are we going to do about it? Priority is, of course, the children’s well-being. I want clarity. Even if we continue living together for a while, it doesn’t matter. I just want clarity. “It” is over. I wish the best for all of us. Gee, when I write it and read it, it looks so simple!

The pressure has been building. I noticed it when my husband asked me what I want for Christmas. The first thought that came to mind was: “a peaceful separation”. That’s a rather atypical Christmas wish. I changed the subject and asked him what he wanted. He said: “I asked you first.” End of discussion.

My fears are dissipating one by one. I think I’m near the last one. I thought: What if he says he’ll make my life hell? (Financially.) Well, if it’s only financial, I think I could stand it. The way it is now, I am going crazy. I need clarity. That’s the bottom line.