This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 23; the twenty-third edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. The theme for this month is FREE. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Your whole life can be packed in a single room. Within those four walls you can measure expanse of your knowledge, and within those few meters between floor and ceiling, depth in your understanding can be gauged. It is nothing less than incarceration, an imposed limit on your physical space to allow you to wander more freely within your mental space. Even I went through this stage when I decided, like many other brave souls before me, to sit for the civil services examinations.

Immersed in studies within the three dimensions of my room, I soon became oblivious to the fourth dimension of time. The chirping of birds followed by sound of gong emanating from a neighboring boarding school used to intimate me that it is dawn and I should be going to sleep.

My day started with the shouts of my mother followed by incessant thumping on the door to wake me up. The poor creaking door had to go through this ordeal everyday till I finally got up and unlatched it.

In those days, I preferred to stay in my room with innumerable inanimate things accompanying me. The only live things were the lizards on the wall and my reflection in the long mirror on the right corner of the room.

I was envious of the lizards because they could traverse more dimensions within the room. For them the room was infinity, an end in itself, but for me it was just a means to an elusive end.

The 6 by 6-foot bed felt like a mother’s lap since the day it got a new pair of mattresses. They were expensive but were needed to cure the constant pain in my back. Despite many rebukes from my father, I continued lying on the bed to study, while the uncomfortable chair that accompanied the study table stood vacant and listless.

I was very fond of the study table which took up most of the space opposite my bed. It had retained its woody smell despite thick coats of varnish and was the only link to nature in this lifeless room. Though seldom used to study, the books with their different-colored bindings decked on the two shelves of the table, were a constant reminder and motivation to keep studying.

The night lamp on the side table became an innocent accomplice in my contemplations. As my thoughts meandered through the unknown reaches of my consciousness, I kept switching it on and off subconsciously. Every other month its bulb had to be replaced, tormented by my thoughts and actions.

On the far left corner of the room, by the curtained windows, stood my personal computer with all its paraphernalia. The dark monitor of the computer always stared at me with expectant eyes, which were only a reflection of my own eyes, waiting to be switched on. But it had already been replaced by my new laptop which lay regally on one side of my bed. The computer reminded me of those days when gadgets were much larger and the life was much simpler.

My mother had the nagging habit of opening the curtains whenever she got a chance. I somehow felt more secure in the darkness and dampness of the room. The sunlight that came through the window seemed to me as an unnecessary intrusion into my own space. The pale-looking curtains became focal point of this unspoken jostle between me and my mother as we tried to outdo each other every day.

Two years had passed in this room when the result of my second attempt came. Keeping the laptop aside, I looked up at the ceiling with moist eyes.

The worn-out fan was revolving as usual, emitting the ugly noises. There was certain movement in it but there was no displacement.

Then my eyes moved towards far corner of the wall where it met the ceiling. A trapped moth was struggling to get free from the cobwebs that had formed there.

The following day, I took a broom and removed the cobwebs from there.

The following day, I opened the curtains to let the slanting rays onto my bed freely.

The following day, I unlatched the windows to allow fresh air into the deoxygenated corners of the room.

The following day, I decided to let go my ambition and venture out to find some work.

Image Courtesy:My camera (clicked in November 2007)

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23
doses of compassionate comments received.:

Let to your ambitions? It is a good decision because at the end of the day we need a job but at the same time try as many times as possible to achieve your ambition.. Good luck for Blog-a-Ton. Free... are we?

To me, chasing an ambition sets you free. The excitement, novelty and challenges it poses on its journey is exhilirating. It allows to live passionately in every moment of chasing those ambition. It doesn't matter whether one achieve or not, it's the journey which sets you free. Vipul, I'm sure you must have felt free in your spirits in those two years even though you were trapped in your deoxygenated dark room. I like your description of room and the simile you have used "moth trapped in the cobwebs". Excellent post !!

Welcome back to Blog-a-ton, Marshall. Feels funny welcoming you to your own site. Nice post. Could relate closely with it. My IIT JEE preparation times were very much like your civil services preparations. Except that no cimputers those days. Otherwise it was all the same.

I can totally relate to this. From my own experience I can tell that on the one hand letting the ambition go can be a liberating experience, but on the other, it can really dent your confidence.But I guess that's where the attitude and "ability to bounce back" matters.

Nice to have you back, Marshall. I could totally relate to this from my own IIT-JEE preparation days. Of course, I was never as hard on myself as you seemed to be. But yeah, life in a room can be quite terrible. Excellent read. Loved the detail that you put in so meticulously.

well could relate it to my IIT-JEE preparations..but whenever i used to have time, i used to play and roam around ....loved it...nice to see you are free :)...very well written..good luck for BAT FREE NIDHI

No doubts many of us have been through this phase, I can recall the time when I was preparing for IIT-JEE when I thought working in solitude would enhance my focus and there would be less divergence. Hehe, glad that you are free now.Here is my entry for BAT: What being Free meant for her

@CRD.. i js didnt gt the doze bt i blive i actually got spondilitis or sum lesser cousin of it :pKeep reflecting :)

@The Fool.. Good 2 c u back on my blog.. well, i blive its evryones tale bt preparation for civil services is bit more unnerving thn IIT because as age catches up, many othr tensions strt creeping in.. like ur frnd who strts working and having dinners at costly restaurants and u hv 2 chk ur pockets while accompanying him :)

@Sadiya.. Naah, its alright.. importnt thing 4 me was to atleast giv an attempt.. unlike many othrs who js steer clear bcoz of the fear of failure.. i am happy tht i m not tht kind of failure who fail without trying :)thnx for 'empathising'.. thts what my blog is all about :p

@Vikram.. u r spot on dude.. evry xpirience in life shud add 2 ur confidence and not dent it.. failure is needed in life 2 learn d real meaning of life :)

@D2.. thnx buddy.. gud 2 b back :)maybe evn i was not tht hard on myslf as i made it look or i wud have given the remaining couple of attempts too :pthnx 4 noticing the detailing.. this in fact was my attempt at descriptive writing :)

@Enchanta.. u r only scnd prsn who hs mentiond the detailed imagery.. i m happy i was succesful in my attempt at descriptive writing :DIn long run, it is js about shifting frm one phase of life to anothr.. frankly, cn v evr get free??

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