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Monday, January 10, 2011

Who Should You Eat First?

Plus: 3 Ways to Avoid Being Eaten

With a major winter storm bearing down upon us here in the North Carolina mountains, I feel like my fiance and I need to have a plan. People in the Southeast have prepared for the snow in the traditional way, by clearing out the grocery store shelves and buying those little plastic sleds for their kids. But let's not forget one of the most important questions to ask yourself when faced with imminent snowy doom. Who should I eat first--my significant other or my pets?

This is always a toughie, so I'll walk you through the common pros and cons.

Eating your significant other:
PRO: You can reason with him so he'll understand he's sacrificing his life for your survival.
PRO: He's bigger than the average-sized pet, so he'll last much longer.
CON: Once you put the idea out there, he may turn the tables and want to eat you.
CON: If your significant other earns more than you do, eating him might not be a good idea. Always examine your finances carefully before eating your significant other.
CON: I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you will go to prison.

Eating your pets:
PRO: Again, I'm no expert, but you probably won't go to prison, or at least not for as long.
PRO: You and your significant other get to live.
CON: You can't reason with your pets. They probably will not understand that they are making a noble sacrifice for your survival.
CON: Even if your pets do understand what you're asking them to do, they probably will not be supportive. Pets have a much better chance of surviving in the wild than humans, so they'd probably rather just escape and take their chances.
CON: You really won't get all that much nourishment from eating your pets. They'll probably taste gamey and awful. A few hours later, you'll be hungry again, and you'll have to live with gut-wrenching guilt for the rest of your life. However, the rest of your life probably will not amount to much, since your pets didn't provide enough sustenance and you're still going to starve.

In both cases, there are more cons than pros. Looks like the best course of action is not to eat your significant other or pets. But be vigilant in case they aren't as sympathetic toward you. That brings me to my next winter storm topic.

How to keep your significant other and/or pets from eating you:
1. Don't hoard food. This may give you a short-term advantage, but ultimately, you're just fattening yourself up for your housemates' nourishment.
2. Go easy on personal hygiene. This shouldn't be too hard, since you'll probably lose power and possibly water as well. A grimy, smelly person who hasn't shaved in a while is much less appetizing.
3. Make yourself an asset. Volunteer to perform tasks like fire-building and scavenging. Your housemates will be reluctant to eat you if you're useful.

Winter can be a magical time of sledding, ice skating, and drinking hot chocolate. If you're prepared, being snowed in can actually be a lot of fun. Just remember: don't eat anyone, and try not to get eaten.