I was really debating with myself about what to do with this recap. I watched episode two online Wednesday night when I was exhausted and took the following notes:

Drink every time they say “fairy tale,” and the next thing you know, you will wake up days later in a gutter next to Lindsay Lohan’s career

Date with a royal

Rose grilling him, I would love to know if this is Prince Harry, so he starts lying

Runs in to SUV

He’s worried that the girls will not be interested when they find out he has no wealth and status

But, the reason I’m watching this train wreck happen is so that you don’t have to. So I went back and watched it again, so I could try to do things like a “fairy tale” count and try to differentiate between all the girls who aren’t Maggie.

We open with Kimberly pontificating about whether or not this could actually be Prince Harry because who would let him around crazy American girls? VALID QUESTION, CHICA.

Rose wakes up in the Crown Suite, and is rewarded the first one-on-one date with Sir. Yeah, that’s another thing. They still don’t know his name. Sir has her sit down to an “OMG this is amazing” breakfast. Rose then decides to play detective because Sir is clearly a ROYAL and every time he answers one of her questions (p to the s, “you look like a skier,” is not a question my little chickadee), she responds with some high pitched squeal that makes me want to smack her.

When all the other girls see Sir whisking Rose away in to a helicopter, Anna Lisa gets all crazy eyed about how her future husband is going on a date with another woman.

Sir and Rose go to some private beach, while the rest of the crew have to settle for a day at the pool, while Andrea takes the time to remind us all that she’s competed in beauty pageants before and never finished worse than first runner up. Which is still not the winner.

So then Matt is all, “something about how we’re on a royal date,” to Rose and she’s all OMG. And she asks what his job entails (okay, I give her credit for correctly using the word “entail”), so he whips out one of his Prince Harry facts and says he is in the military. Then she feeds him oysters and makes out with him.

And when he says that is not the way to behave with a royal on the first date (in one of those on-camera monologue thingys, not actually to Rose), all I could think was, WELL YOU AREN’T ONE. Also, if you’re fooling girls into believing you ARE one, of course they are going to want to put out ASAP. The real Prince Harry, I am sure, would not complain.

Maggie decides that they all must be stupid for not knowing Sir’s true identity since he has security and a helicopter. That must mean he’s like, WAY IMPORTANT YOU GUYS.

While Sir decides he needs to pull Kimberly aside, Rose assures the rest of the ladies that his security is like, for real.

Also, Heather of Go Fug Yourself must be paying far more attention than I am because she notes the following:

He pulls Kimberly aside after telling her they haven’t had a chance to talk, EXCEPT FOR HOW HE ALSO PULLED HER ASIDE LAST WEEK. Sir’s mental wattage is on the low end of the scale.

Then, while he and Kimberly chat, some SUV races up out of nowhere and whisks him away, just to pretend there is some security issue, or Sir is in danger or something, and the girls just eat it up, because how hard is it to act like a dolt on cue?

The next day, Sir decides he wants to play cricket, so Rose gets to decide who is going to play cricket and who is going to prepare the afternoon tea.

Everyone is giving Rose the side eye for who she picks for what activity, and it doesn’t matter who has to do what because everyone is throwing shade.

Also, the outfits. Discuss.

Sir goes on a side conversation with Karina, who had tragically been chosen as one of the three tea partiers. After Karina, he chooses Jacqueline. I can’t keep any of them straight, really.

Then, Kingsley announces that Sir has invited them all to a formal dinner that night, where someone will be “elevated” to the Crown Suite, while the other will be asked to join Leah in the Fake Prince Discard Pile.

During dinner, Maggie makes lots of faces about how she doesn’t know what she’s eating, but she’s going to choke it down anyway because she’s, like, such a trooper y’all.

Then Kingsley comes in and tells Sir that they need to have a chat about who is going to be kicked to the curb and who is going to be invited to replace Rose in the Skank Suite.

Do not mess with Kingsley. He means business.

While Maggie chugs her wine, Andrea and Kimberly are summoned in to one-on-one meetings with Sir. Jacqueline makes a stunning observation that they are basically the same person. Maggie sheds some wine tears. Everyone speculates.

Ultimately, Andrea, always the first runner up, is sent home (but it’s okay because through her tears she tells us she doesn’t GO for gingers with bad teeth). Kimberly gets elevated to the suite. For the second episode in a row, the producers have made it look like the “winner” is about to get eliminated. Case in point, below is Kimberly before she realizes she is safe. Also, let’s be honest, she and Sir probably had a romp in the castle before this because she is definitely sporting Just Been Fucked hair.

While walking around the suite, Kimberly says, “stuff like this never happens to me, I never even win Bingo.” Oh, sweetie.

And then, everyone gangs up on Maggie for her drinking too much. Because she can’t form a complete sentence after the formal dinner. Yeah, she’s the one who is always trashed. Kelley points out that is not someone who Prince Harry would want to be around. Well, good luck for her, because he’s not.

As Michael K from DListed points out though, “Trust this, Maggie is going to make it to the final 2. During each episode, Maggie is going to get so fucked up on the sweet nectar that she’s going to pass out behind a potted plant and the fake (Prince Harry) is going to forget she’s there so he’ll never eliminate her.”

There are some cat fights between Jacqueline, who is Maggie’s only friend, and Anna Lisa and Meghan about how they are mean girls and poor Maggie. And then we’re done.

The girls contribute far more to this show than Sir does. He’s just there to bang the girls who are out of his league. Who will be the last one standing is anyone’s guess, though I am going with Karina, just for fun.

Oh, and by the way, the “fairy tale” count for this episode was only four, which is highly disappointing.