“We don’t want to belittle anybody for calling 911. Obviously, in their mind, it’s serious at the time.”

Still, it’s become an annual tradition for the police service to humorously rank the not-so-serious reports that have come in over the course of the year.

After some deliberation, the force has bestowed the title of Silliest Call of 2012 upon a domestic dispute concerning the brushing of teeth.

A 20-year-old Chatham man made the call. The man complained that his 63-year-old father had told him to brush his teeth — and he didn’t want to. “He said he would do it later,” Cowell said.

Officers arrived on the scene and managed to convince the 20-year-old complainant that brushing your teeth is a good thing to do. “Luckily, we were able to defuse the situation,” Cowell said.

The father was reportedly pleased with the outcome.

Coming in second was a call from a female who was nervous about a potentially violent duck. The woman told dispatchers that the duck had just attacked her, and it was now sitting in a puddle watching her.

“She was actually quite fearful,” Cowell said. “She was concerned for her safety…. We have had incidents where people have been attacked by birds.”

Officers arrived and found the woman unhurt, but the duck was nowhere to be seen.

In third place was a call from a woman who complained to police that her drug dealer had laced her crack cocaine, causing her to hallucinate and hear voices.

Cowell said she’s not sure if the woman mentioned the dealer’s name, or if any charges resulted from the phone call.

“It’s just funny that she called asking us to make him stop doing that — lacing her crack,” Cowell said.

Other silly calls of the year included:

A male motorist contacted police to complain that a local radio station’s weather report had erroneously described a snowstorm as “slight flurries.” Cowell said she’s not quite sure what the man expected police to do about the situation. “Ultimately, he wanted to know what radio station he could listen to would be more accurate about the weather.”

A 13-year-old girl called police to complain that her mother wouldn’t let her do her own laundry. “You know, at 13, I think I would’ve been happy if my mom was doing my laundry,” Cowell said. “I wish my mom still did my laundry.”

A woman called police to report that her downstairs neighbour had just threatened her. The female resident had been watering her plants and the neighbour’s dog below got wet. “It turned into a heated discussion,” Cowell said.

A man dialed 911 to report that there was a large snapping turtle on a downtown sidewalk and it looked like it was preparing to enter traffic. Cowell said animal control workers attended the scene, found the turtle, and took it to safety. “The turtle was rescued,” Cowell said. “That one had a happy ending.”

Another man dialed 911 to report that a squirrel on his front porch was acting suspiciously. “I can’t even comment more on that one,” Cowell said.

A bloodied and intoxicated male pedestrian called police to say that he’d just been the victim of a hit-and-run. He described the suspect vehicle in detail. But further investigation revealed that the man had tripped over a trailer hitch in a driveway. “It truly appeared that he had been involved in a serious incident,” Cowell said.

An after-hours call from downtown Chatham involved a man who suspected that two girls had vandalized his car. Officers arrived and inspected the evidence — a white substance that turned out to be bird excrement. “I don’t know why he assumed the girls did it,” Cowell said. “It was clearly left by birds and not any kind of damage.”

The male victim of a theft called police to report that his winning Roll Up the Rim tab had been taken from his unlocked vehicle. Cowell said the tab was the first thing the man mentioned, as it would have entitled him to a free donut and coffee from Tim Hortons. “You know you’re Canadian when that’s the most important thing stolen out of your car,” Cowell said.

A man showed up at the Chatham-Kent police detachment building in Wallaceburg to ask if anyone had turned in his lost dentures: He only had the top half of his teeth — the bottom half had disappeared. “People turn in keys and other things all the time,” Cowell pointed out.

Silly calls aren’t the only wacky memories that Chatham-Kent police have of 2012. The title of worst driver of the year goes to a woman who attempted to curl her hair while behind the wheel of her vehicle, causing her to swerve across the center line. She was eventually charged with careless driving.

Best pocket dial of the year was from a man who accidentally called 911 while using the toilet. Even in the event of accidental dials, 911 call takers are required to remain on the line to ensure that no one is in medical distress.

Best speeding excuse of the year came from a 25-year-old female motorist who told officers that she may have accidentally stepped on the accelerator when she adjusted her position in the driver’s seat to fart.

The title of Dumbest Criminal of the Year goes to a man with prior court conditions who was caught breaking curfew, told to go home with a warning, and then found again minutes later near Chatham-Kent police headquarters with a “substantial amount” of marijuana.

Cowell said the cutest call of the year was from a three-year-old boy who was watching the animated Pixar movie Cars. The toddler dialed 911 because he was worried about the character Lightning McQueen‘s safety in an exciting chase scene.

“Kudos to the parents for teaching their son how to call 911,” Cowell said. “That’s great. We encourage that. I guess now they need to have that conversation about when it’s appropriate.”

“Through the year, we’re always talking about serious crimes … and just the bad stuff that people do every day. Today’s when we showcase the sillier calls that we’ve responded to and try to bring a smile to people’s faces during this festive season.”

Const. Renee Cowell of Chatham-Kent police is shown in the service’s call centre in December 2012. (Handout / The Windsor Star)

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