Humblebragging While Bitching About Humblebragging … Same As It Ever Was With This Sloth

I haven’t checked my Facebook news feed for two weeks since I’ve been in Costa Rica. Two *EXTREMELY PEACEFUL* weeks where I didn’t hear anything about the politician whose name shall not be mentioned, or any other fear based topic or humble brag or whatever other crap people post.

Given how much better I feel, I’m seriously considering just not checking it ever again.

Related: I also very much want to move to Costa Rica. Facebook is just not very exciting when you can surf your way through a sunset.

LOLOLOL.

a. Is she not the queen of posting hectoring lectures 24/7 about what a hellscape the world is?

b. I WAS IN COSTA RICA I LOVE COSTA RICA I AM GOING TO MOVE TO COSTA RICA SO I CAN SURF THROUGH SUNSETS EVERY DAY LIKE I DO WHEN I GO TO COSTA RICA. No humblebragging there at all. Also, the jump shot, even in a fucking creek in Costa Rica. Oh honey. There are a ton of sloths in Costa Rica. I wonder if that’s why she feels so at home there.

For the past year I have just found this botoxed hippie sloth so boring, I can barely pay attention to her. But every now and again the inner asshole re-emerges and I realize — she’s still here. The same tool she’s always been. CWAA.

“I do nothing and barely move while hanging out in Costa Rica. Just like Julia Allison! Although she does nothing everywhere!”*

Also, I’m really happy that the least-amount-of life-haver EVER (two birds there: I kind of done rung myself and abused hyphens) informed me it’s possible to do other things than Facebook. Why has no one ever told me before? I probably missed this exciting memo because I never used Facebook. /humblebrag, off to surf through a sunset. HAHAHA NO! This is a landlocked country and it’s 2C here now, which is absolutely balmy compared to earlier this week.

It’s like when she tried to catch Tavi’s (I think it was Tavi?) attention with some sermon about how everyone should be grateful for their high school life because you only have to worry about homework at that time and not about money or fear that your parents might die within the next decade (uhhhh….) BZZT wrong! Just because YOU had nothing but boys’n’nose to worry about in HS doesn’t make that universal truth. And just because you never met or heard about (or, more likely, never noticed) anyone who had to deal with poverty, illness, violence, abuse or any other horrible thing that happens to millions of teenagers (or even younger children) doesn’t mean such people don’t exist.

As Jacy said: “Is she not the queen of posting hectoring lectures 24/7 about what a hellscape the world is?”

Yes, but the key word is “posting,” of course. She certainly isn’t experiencing it or even thinking (bwaha!) about it. If she doesn’t post or (much less likely) read about it, it doesn’t exist. THUS: why can’t everyone be as enlightened as Donk and simply stop looking at Facebook for (Good Lord, the bravery!) whole two weeks? There would be no bad news then! Why can’t the world listen to her wisdom? It’s exactly like her sage advice to drunk Indians: stop complaining and fix the problem (by not looking at Facebook for two weeks)! GOD.

Pretending not to notice FB chatter about happenings going on w/out her & just in case anyone wonders why she’s not at future events either (STILL uninvited), everyone please just assume she’s living in CR. Not in the OMG!DC. CR.

Phuture “WE ARE NEVER BREAKING UP” Phuckphace must be history as well …

“my parties have all the big names and i greet them with the widest smile –
tell them how my life is one big adventure – and always they’re amazed when i show them ’round my house to my bed –
i had it made like a mountain range with a snow white pillow for my big fat head…”

This reminds me of the ESCANDALO on FB when I wrote a tiny post about virtue signaling, and the very worst social media virtue signaler in my life went bananas in the comments. She went on and on, and then a friend (from here!) stepped in and said they weren’t surprised by the response, because a primary trait of the virtue signaler is taking everything personally. BOOM.

How interesting — I’ve never heard of this term until you mentioned it. Is this manifested from our social media circle jerks? I guess I could see people back in the day at parties loudly proclaiming Free Tibet or whatever to make people think they give a shit when they don’t, but The Facebook must make it so much more ingrained in our culture now…

The term originated in Britain, and primarily had to do with political expressions made on social media, those “designed to enhance the social standing of the speaker.” (As Albie mentions, at the heart of political virtue signaling is the concomitant Doing Nothing Actually.) But I find it applies to so much else: parents who subtly express derision for other parents by describing their perfect children, and their perfect activities with them; friends who post about nothing but how hard they work, how tired they are, or how much they’ve accomplished in a day; and most of all, those who pat themselves on the back for doing a good deed. “I’ve done something to help a stranger three times in two days. It just feels good, doesn’t it?” And my favorite, “A woman ahead of me in the line at the grocery store today didn’t have enough money to pay for her food today, so I paid for it. I don’t want thanks or attention — just wanted to point out there are people suffering out there, and we should all do what we can.”

OK…that last line? Pretty much verbatim what my psycho SIL posts. It’s always shit like “I hate all the hate in the world why can’t we just support each other. I support my friends and it makes me happy blah blah blah.”

“Work hard. Be humble. Be appreciative. Treat people with respect. Keep yourself in check. And realize you’re one of many and no one owes you anything. You earn it. You aren’t entitled. You get what you give. Spread love. Spread thanks. And you will get it back.”

Actually, this is the whole quote. And, by the way? the “book world” she’s talking about is this totally insane community of cheap romance novel writers, male models who pose for the covers of these shitty books, and middle-aged fan girls. The make a big deal about going to these conferences and meeting the authors and a few of the models. There’s a screenplay in this.

“So I thought of something the other day. A thought of the day. And I made a note of it when I thought of it:

The world is a very big place made of a lot of people. No matter what field you are in.
The book world for example. There are a LOT of authors, bloggers, cover designers, photographers, editors, etc. I could go on.

So work hard. Be humble. Be appreciative. Treat people with respect. Keep yourself in check. And realize you’re one of many and no one owes you anything. You earn it. You aren’t entitled. You get what you give. Spread love. Spread thanks. And you will get it back.

I’ve learned you get much more being nice. You may get hurt or knocked down. But 9 times out of 10 being nice and doing the right thing pays off. “

I don’t think they call themselves that. They did once start a club based on one of the models and they called it “Jaseland.”They had a private FB group. They now have a group for putting their “book boyfriends” in a basement. They are totally insane.

SJS, that is weird as hell. If you look up “Ellora’s Cave Cavemen” you will find out about a whole other scene that is parallel to your sister-in-law’s scene. Does there have to be a Coke and a Pepsi of everything?

I occasionally hate read the twitter of someone who does this. She is the dimmest person in the world who read her first book (can you guess? 50 Shades of Grey!!!!) a few years ago and immediately announced that she would be an author too. One week later, she published her first book! Yay! She has several out now, all sexy romance about sexy women who like bondage with sexy firemen etc. I read the free sample chapter of the first one and haven’t been able to make myself dive in any deeper. It was as if my cat had written it. It was deeply stupid.

Anyway, she spends a lot of time going to these weird author conventions and posing with male “models” pretending to spank her. It is so fascinating and strange and I could never figure out what was going on. I guess it is a thing.

Checked it out. I can’t believe there is a group of crazies outside of the circle I’m exposed to. These women would make a great documemtary subject. Delusional. Spending money to travel to these godawful conferences is hotel basements in places like Kissamee, FL. Calling each other “Queen” and “badass.” READIMG ALL OF THESE STUPID BOOKS WHILE THEIR OWN KIDS RE BRINGING HOME “TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD.” Getting into childish fights over unauthorized sharing of book arcs. It’s madness. Next to this woo bullshit, it’s the most un fathomable society I’ve come across recently.

Oh no!! Is living on daddy’s dime in the most expensive metro area in the country just not good enough anymore for our Jujubees? Is it too stressful and overwhelming? All that traffic! All those homeless people! Too many tech companies that won’t just hand her a title and fat salary for being her! What a drag. I thought she was The Most California of all the people in California! What happened???

There is no way Julie surfs. She probably floated on a big foam board as it washed her ashore a few times. Would love to see her attempt to surf out at Bolinas or HMB. Quick tip: it’s never bikini surfing weather up here, hon.

Isn’t there some sort of AA thing about people who always move to escape their problems? It seems that she believes she can find some utopia somewhere where she won’t need to work or suffer any human problems whatsoever, and when that doesn’t manifest itself, she finds some other place that she just has to go and proclaim the best place in the world and aren’t you jealous about my perfect life.

This is so clearly a response to Nisha and her instant new family, and Jena and her instant (albeit wacko) marriage. She is watching all her friends doing stuff she wishes she was doing, getting all the attention, some of her older friends making actual achievements and making big money, and it is making her crazy. Her envy and need to one-up everyone is destroying her because she just can’t figure out why Dadser’s little princess doesn’t have it better than everyone else like she was convinced she would.

So go roll in the mud and do your signature cliche jump in the air at Esalen and in Costa Rica. You aren’t fooling anyone. You are seething.

This is exactly what’s going on. I love that she hasn’t commented on or liked a single post about that cracked out wedding. Also loved that Noodles posted on New Year’s Eve something like “Hard to believe that last year I was single and this year I’m with my two guys” along with a photo of No Vowels and baby. That had to sting. I hope Jess Magic gets married soon. That would be awesome.

Not sure about AA term but my dad, who has been in the rooms for a few decades, always says “you’re the only common denominator in your relationships.” Ironic because he’s basically the JIML but mixed in with his insane nonsense there are some gems such as this.

I can understand that after a lucrative but exhausting career as an S corporation bidness lady, Judy would be ready to retire to Costa Rica, take up mud wrestling, and generously share her deep and ineffably insightful thoughts on Facebook. Really, there’s nothing to criticize here. Apparently this new direction came to her in a flash on her other vacation one month ago, in Hawaii. She worked very, very, so, so very hard to get to the point where she can do this, let her enjoy!

Ot i remember several years sgo flying back on plane fro costa rica and we were sitting on plane near a group of like 20 people on a yoga retreat were the most obnoxious a $$holes u can imagine, they acted like it was their own chartere plane, swearing out loud, etc.

I know there are legit normal folks who go down for that, but this group wete total woo wannabees

Donks just posted an article about things you need to know if you’re dating an entrepreneur. At first, I thought she was talking for clues n how to date one. And then I read the article and realized she thinks she is one. Just letting Chad know that this is why she reads so much self help and has an erratic personality, I guess! Delusional.

After all these years of pretending to be an OMGFounder, this is the logical next stage of delusion, I suppose. Still amazed how someone with such a massive head start in life, reliably fails st everything!

What is it? I’m sorry, I feel like I’m the only no-FB asshole here who’s always braying “WHAT? HUH? I KANT SEE IT? I CAN HAZ NEW POST PLZ?” but I really kant see it and I like to point and laugh too. *pouts, kicks dirt*

Donk is so weird. She’s obsessed with Silicon Valley and “entrepreneurs” and “founders” and people with jobs in general, even though she has nothing to do with any of those things.

She’s like a toddler who’s obsessed with dinosaurs or firetrucks or wearing a tutu in public. (Um, er, oops?) Being a toddler, they don’t actually study paleontology or fight fires or dance ballet, but it’s their “thing” so their parents let them sleep with a toy firetruck or wear a tutu to church.

She’s still just so obsessed with the need to impress other people using things she finds impressive herself. Places she lives, places she vacations, job titles she thinks make her seem important. When she has access to money, the clothes she wears, cars she drives. The only true and self-aware thing she’s ever said is that her life is built around presentation and perception. I’ve said it a million times, she is a Hollywood studio outdoor set: looks one way on the front, but there is nothing behind it. She is a walking façade.

Sorry, Helena, I should have posted what it was. #7 says that entrepreneurs have a low tolerance for hanging around lazy people. Could explain why Choad is getting antsy with her. He’s a bigger entrepreneur than she will ever be.

I’m trying to remember all the psycho leaping fauxtos (I’m sure there’ve been hundreds) but off the top of my head:

Standard leaping pose:
Psycho in a swimsuit, leaping on a trampoline
Psycho in a swimsuit, leaping into the ocean
Psycho in a gingham toddler dress, leaping for no good reason (see left)
Psycho leaping with strokeface and robot arms and her waistband over her ribcage (see right)
Psycho in a tutu and clomper shoes, leaping in a “professionally” shot fauxo
Psycho in a Christmas sweater, leaping as her daddy takes her fauxto
Psycho leaping on the beach in SF for a Coobie fauxto shoot (with robot arms)

A few notes on Jena’s and her pubic hair man’s green card /wedding issues… from a btdt married a non-us citizen

Years ago, just before 9/11 so I’m sure things have changed. It was a major PITA. Required a big interview of my new husband…I remember having to provide a police record for the cities he had lived in for past ten years or so…he had one citation for a small amount of MJ and it was a major big discussion point during the interview. I feel like the interviewers would never tolerate the wooriffics – We were not woo and had a young son and it was just a major nail biter. Our son was just a few months old and were living overseas so all this went down at the US Embassy in London. It took forever.

I was in my early 20’s and just young and dumb but I wanted a BAYyyyyBBEEEEEE and in the end it was all a blessing. BUT my now Ex-husband and I have pretty much zero contact now and he doesn’t see our son due to his deep alcoholism/ drug issues. (Get ready Jena!). Karma hit me baddddd.

We also had to show proof of having enough $$ to support ourselves in the US. Humbly had to ask my parents to transfer 15K to our checking account, which they pulled out after we were in the clear and on US soil.

Bear in my this was a few months before 9/11 – I’m thinking it’s way tougher now??

I’m telling you–watch for the six month mark. He’ll need to go back. If he doesn’t, it’s going to be messy. It might be possible t get a short extension, but I had experience with this issue, also pre 9-11 and immhration were hardasses.

I’m actually a specialist in this area of law. Getting a green card through marriage is not easy. It’s not quick. And it’s not cheap. Also, he may be barred if he has a drug conviction. I’m happy to answer any question on this topic.

This. My husband and I got married in May of 2016 and we just had our interview last week. This shit takes forever. And it is EXPENSIVE. It drives me nuts now whenever I see it as a silly plot in a TV show or movie. It’s so stressful!!!!

Reading between the lines–trouble in ChadLand. Previous post was about what you have to put up with if you’re dating an entrepreneur and she liked a comment on the life partner post about how the only happy women are either single or have a partner who fully supports their dreams.

Here’s a good response. She didn’t click like. But I suspect he is saying what a lot of others are thinking. They are probably tired of this subject.

Ben Way: It’s simple don’t settle, if you have to evaluate it then the answer is already it’s the wrong person. Love our strongest emotion is not something you should need to question it’s either there or it’s not; anything else is mediocre and probably will end in tears. It’s hard enough making love work.
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Nothing shows how awkward she is at life like when she writes posts like this. Coming down from her vacation high brings on the big insecurity blues worse than usual for her. I wonder if her keyboard is covered in chocolate and tears.

I always have this image of her sitting in an empty tub typing away, crying while squirting Hershey’s chocolate syrup down her gullet. Oh and did I forget to mention I suspect she’s in a wedding or prom dress doing this?

She bragged about this being a vacation she was taking with Choad, and instead it seems like she was just an afterthought to him. In her mind she probably envisioned him proposing to her at sunset on the beach.

The entrepreneur post was possibly a reaction to him wanting to know why she never works and doesn’t have the same work ethic he has. Whatever we joke about him aside, it seems like he is always composing, traveling to gigs, collaborating, and booking upcoming events. The guy works hard and it has to be annoying to be around a lamprey like her with zero purpose in life.

She’s getting some really great advice in the comments. The problem, is that she’s too shallow a thinker to accept it. For example, Ariel White’s point about choosing each other every day is the right way of thinking, as opposed to “LIFE PARTNER TODAY.” But Donkey is too wrapped up in status and expiration dates to accept an answer like that.

Right?! Why does it blouse like a pair of training pants? And, and. And. Why is there a huge hole in her right inner thigh? Did she literally cut out a pound of flesh? And why does her imner left thigh stop short before her lower torso starts? It’s like a notch. You could hang a plant on it.

You catladies may be too young to remember the cotton underpants from 1966. I think they came in a three-pack and were called “tinkerbelle.” They didn’t have very good elastic and weren’t meant to be worn under slacks (as we called them in 1966), because at 10 years old we wore dresses to school.

I had terrible underpants in the early 70s that were called Lollipop. Everyone I knew wore them, except for S. S. who had tie-dye pattern bikini underpants. The Lollipops were too long on everyone, even freakishly tall little me, so you either wore them at your actual waist and had saggy bottom, or you pulled them up so the bottom fit properly and they were halfway up your rib cage. I don’t know if they were designed by lizard people who had never actually seen a young human girl or what.

She has photoshopped her left foot into a hoof. Enlarge it and follow the line down. It’s just hanging on by a thread. Does she not see how ridiculous it looks? Who am I asking? Of course, not. She perceives reality differently.

That is why I am offering a series of classes, for the low price of $595 ($495 if you register early), to raise watercress consciousness and make your married life watercress-complete. The Watercress Map will start slowly (identifying watercress at the supermarket) and move on to all aspects of green garnishes in a fulfilled life, helping to move from “what the hell kind of lettuce is that” to the geometric purity of sandwiches cut into triangles of sacred meaning. Of course, not only married people will benefit from the Watercress Map. Those searching for a soul mate can prepare themselves for the happy day and avoid that terrible wedding night question, “Wait…you have no watercress experience? My friends were right, we’re totally different people!” Once again, the Watercress Map is only $595 ($495 if you register early)—act now, my credit card bill is due.