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another reason.

another fight, another pain
another reason to go insane
why walk away when we could talk?
another reason to run amok?
why hit me hard on my face
did you have to do that to leave a trace?
not the bruise but the wound inside
batter me hard till my heart has died.
you give me nothing to feel
only the emptiness i never thought to be real
had i known it would be like this
i never would’ve given in when we kissed.
a child is not reason enough
without love, it is just so tough
another reason for me to leave and lose
myself and the life to be abused.
so many things have come and gone
yet i couldnt let go of what was done.
you hurt me so much and i slowly die
i lost the spirit inside and only there i cry.
you say i nag because i had to
something is missing, that is true
and when i asked if we could talk
your once gentle eyes stare at me like a hawk.
there are things we both have to discuss
so many questions, i shouldnt make a fuss
but until things are clear…
i wish i wasn’t really here.
–
life was so much simpler before
i dont think i can take it anymore.
it pains me to try to love you more
but it kills me to leave everything behind
my life, my dreams and myself
everything that i ever thought to find.
and i slowly start to slip away
it hurts too much to stay
when all the fighting just wouldnt go away
i love you, but you just didn’t know
only because i was afraid to let it show
there was just too much pride
and that hasnt been our best guide
saying sorry was just so hard to say
but i am. for my choice. each and everyday.
when the time comes,
and i wouldnt be here…
my heart would sing silently
i wouldnt know why it would cheer.
–
a slap and a kick.
would surely make my body weak
but my heart would always remain strong
until the right one comes along
i dont know how that would be
if it was to leave and be free
or to just stay here and cry
with a hope that somehow, i wouldnt die.
another reason i couldnt have
but a reason enough would’ve been love
the love we thought we once had
the promises you gave and my only dream
that you and i woulve been a great team.
another day i have to face
and make sure to leave no trace
of my once broken heart but the broken hip
will always show when i smile with a bruised lip.
all that we are… is such an ordeal
alone and crying without tears
from trying to find how to heal
another reason, another us,
a couple who just couldnt adjust
–
a scream… and another kick
the wonders of the world seem so bleak
hit me all you want and then stop
i may fall but my heart
is strong enough for me to get back up.
we are so different now, you and i
i couldnt even begin to question why
what happened to us? to the warmth
the hugs and the kisses
what happened to the heart that never ceases.
i hope to find the answers
there is so much more that i need to know
thankful that my heart never falters
let us be… for us to grow.
another day, at any given time
a broken bond and a bruised skin
isnt so much for a crime
not as much as how you led me to believe
that all there was to you was only love
and i lived to learn what i may never know
why others die for what they’ve always had.
another reason and another wish
are there any more beatings that you need to unleash?
to put to stop to the never ending questiion
maybe soon, i may have the answers
but for now… you are just another reason.

July 25th, 2006

—-

sometimes, after a painful relationship… we tend to fall for the next person who gives us attention and the love we crave for. but then, it had to take 6 years to finally be free of that idea that HE COULD BE THE ONE. because that is all that he ever will be. He could be the one. and the truth will always hurt….

he is NOTthe one. he will never be the one if all that he was is

COULD BE.

i never re-read this poem again. after i wrote it, i kept it and didn’t try to re-open pandora’s box. i simply chose to stop being human. and endured a rich but poor life. it wasn’t anybody’s fault, i know that now. it was my choice. after trying to shield my heart, i began to put up a facade so that no body can know the truth. i couldnt understand how i could go on for long. the physical beating stopped. and so did everything else. we were together for the child. and yes, we were a great team to all our step-children. we have made a family. we have created a family that was filled with laughter and harmony that there weren’t any discrimination against the step-children. but deep inside, both of us… we are at dis-harmony. he and i did make a wonderful team… we needed each other for all the crazy reasons… title, “audience” impact —[and by that… the society norm.] sure, we were a little unconventional considering all our issues. together, we were a great family. together, we had it all… everything…. but we didnt have anything too. we were empty shells trying to live as normal as possible.

it was easy to just walk away and leave then. each time i packed my bags, he would beg me to stay. and i thought.. maybe now… he really is going to change. and yes…WE both changed. We stopped living for ourselves. And went on with our lives together… but alone. We were scared to separate ….but we were brave enough for everyone to prove to them that we MADE it for so long. [when looking back now, i guess there were just two people who we really wanted to show how peaceful our life is… how we have changed into the person we ought to be when we were with them….]

i have forgiven my husband. his beating, his infidelities… his not letting me in his heart… i had to… because i was every bit like him too. and it was the only way i can ever forgive myself. and finally let the real thing in this time. although it still scares me to death…. its just worth every bit of it.

i am back in the arms of the only person i loved.

and the pain is still the same. but this time, i know… it is worth all the tears… and i encourage my husband… to finally cross the line with his too.. i know i never replace her in his heart…. and she too, loves him… and is together with somebody… who is just like him too.

and i too… is just like her. the closest he can have to having her… is me.

i guess… it was God‘s plan for this to happen.. and i am thankful… for all the trials and the hurdles i had to go through… it was a journey indeed. all i had to do was walk…