May 17, 2013

Microphone Check, One, Two…

Anyone still out there?

Apparently, it’s been SEVEN months since I’ve last written here.

I wish my prolonged sabbatical could be explained by an ambitious whirlwind of hedonistic activity. Then I could apologize profusely for my absence by giving you amusing little synopses of my daily and exciting life.

The fact is that the past seven months have been relatively busy, both in good and bad ways. I’m at a bit of a loss on how best to explain it all, so instead I’ll resort to the wise words of the immortal amphibian philosopher, Kermit the Frog: “Man, time’s really fun when you’re having flies.”

Aside from quitting my job, starting a new business, moving in with The Girlfriend, and enjoying the fruits of our blended family, I’ve also been temporarily sidelined by some medical “inconveniences.” Without going into any detail, one of these has required me to take a mini convalescence.

The upside of this convalescence is that I’m under strict doctor’s orders to do very little except “read, write, walk, talk, shit, and sleep.”

Since I've got about an hour before the Vicodin kicks in, I thought it might be the perfect time to revisit this site, no?

FAMILY RULES FOR DADDY’S RECOVERY

It hasn’t been easy explaining to the three girls (ages five, eight, and nine) why I need some post-surgery rest and relaxation. The Girlfriend and I sat them down patiently to quell any potential fears and explain the very foreign concepts of peace and quiet.

To ensure that everyone is on the same page regarding my recovery, I’ve compiled a list of rules that I plan on pinning to the refrigerator (which pretty much ensures that the only two people who are ever going to see this are me and our wonderful Ecuadorian nanny. Hi Olga!)

1. Mr. Belvedere doesn’t work here anymore. Yes, I did just compare my role in the family to a middling 80’s sitcom character with an eponymously named tv show. But seriously, for just one short week, get yourselves into bed. Pick out your own clothes. Put the dirty ones in the hamper. Pack your own lunch. And please don’t forget to feed the cat. You guys remember the cat, don’t you? The little furry creature you absolutely adored for two weeks and then started treating like an unwanted Furby you got three Christmases ago?

2. Watch the Throne. Gang, I know there’s five of us and we only have one bathroom. It’s tough even under normal circumstances. This week? I don’t care if you’ve crapped your Hello Kitty underwear five times or have to pee so badly, you’re going to get kidney stones. If I want 45 minutes of uninterrupted bathroom time to shit, shower, shave and read the past three issues of the New Yorker, it’s mine. No barging in. No banging on the door. No wiggling your fingers under the door and yelling, “Hey dude, whatcha doing?” I’m hiding from all of you. That’s what I’m doing.

3. The answer is “No.” No, we’re not watching The Disney Channel. No, I’m not making each of you a separate dinner. No, I can’t carry all of you into the bedroom. And no, I can’t change that light bulb in the hallway. Normal services will resume in a week. Until then, please kindly make alternate arrangements.

4. Finders, Keepers. No explanations will be provided when you sadly discover that your favorite ice cream/wine/chocolate/nuts/cake has magically disappeared. And for the record, yes, I did go into your bedroom and eat all the candy that Grandma gave you last week, which you had so cleverly stashed in your pillowcase.

5. About that wine…Vicodins are very large pils. In order to swallow them cleanly, Daddy is going to need a little wine, sometimes a lot. Unsolicited references to Heath Ledger will not be necessary. Thank you in advance.

6. Sexy time…The Doctor specifically mentioned that sexual activity is to resume as quickly as possible. See, he even wrote it down here on this prescription pad. I might not be able to do any of the heavy lifting, baby, but I am willing to experiment and see how quickly it takes to restore one’s serotonin to pre-surgical levels. You know, for science’s sake.

À LA CARTE

Speaking of cooking separate meals, am I the only one who feels like a short-order cook? The oldest girl eats virtually nothing, resulting in a battle of wills that The Girlfriend and I are currently losing. The middle one eats like a sumo wrestler, causing us to take out a second mortgage to fulfill her plethoric protein requirements. And the third seems to subsist solely on white pasta, milk, and rice. It’s like one is on Weight Watchers; one is on Atkins, and the third is on the South Beach diet.

In all seriousness, we’re more than a little concerned about the oldest girl. We're not sure whether she's going through a prolonged stage of being a picky eater or slowly developing an unhealthy relationship with food. Her ambivalence about eating causes us a lot of consternation, to the point that she's going to go see a nutritionist. Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Back in my day, if I didn’t eat anything on the dinner table, my parents would subject me to an hour-long lecture about how my Korean father was raised solely on tree-bark, rotten kimchi, and pebble soup. If any of our dead relatives could see us refusing even a plate of beets, they’d spit on us from the high heavens. When guilt didn't work, the threat of a spanking usually did the trick.

Shit, I still reflexively flinch any time I see a plate of beets.

OVERHEARD ON THE NYC SUBWAY

“I’m so fucking scared of all the rats running around in my ‘hood that I’ve started tucking my pants into my socks.

“I’m thinking about selling one of my sailboats. It's got a leak in the dining room, so I figure why not?”

"Are you taking me out on a date later? Because if you aren't, you'd best get your hands off my ass."

"Yo, that dude is like the gay Mexican Marlon Brando."

“I’m not fat by Texas standards. I’m just fat by New York standards. When I go to Houston, it’s like I’m anorexic. It’s pretty much the only reason that I even bother visiting my parents.”

"Yo, you didn't know they got seat fillers at the Oscars and all those other award shows? It’s so when they pan over the audience, it doesn’t look like a Mets game."

PLAY BALL

Regardling my beloved NY Mets, I can honestly say that this is the earliest in the season that I have ever hated them. Out of life-long loyalty and a misguided sense of devotion, I will continue to root for them. However, I'd like to inform current team management that these games are being watched under protest.

In a side note, I was in Washington Square Park yesterday, watching a father toss a baseball with his very young son. At one point, the ball slipped through the boy’s hands and nailed him squarely in the face, resulting in an immediate bloody nose. The boy quickly dropped his glove, started sobbing uncontrollably and ran straight to his father for consolation.

I really wish the next NY Met player to get beaned with a baseball would charge the mound in a similar fashion, crying and holding his arms out for a hug. It would make the games eminently more watchable.

Until, you know, they can actually start winning some games.

FITNESS MADE SIMPLE

Since I knew my convalescence would leave me bereft of physical activity for a while, I spent an inordinate amount of time at the gym prior to my surgery.

Living in Manhattan, my gym is normally swarming with intimidatingly fit people. However, during springtime, you’ll find a fair share of people who clearly didn't do much during the off-season and are now desperate to quickly get fit before summer hits. Recently, my gym has started bearing more resemblance to a West Virginia franchise of Old Country Buffet during a families-eat-free, double-coupon night. Some people are so out of shape that you’d swear that any mosquito that ever bit them is probably now on Lipitor.

I don’t begrudge these people for their slowly-paced walks on a treadmill. In fact, I wholeheartedly applaud them for taking action that will drastically improve their lives. It's not easy starting a fitness routine and I'm proud of them for making the effort. I do, however, have one simple piece of advice for those embarking on a new fitness routine.

Put down the copy of US Weekly and get serious.

Any sort of intellectual or communicative endeavor in the gym should be strictly verboten. Reading, talking, or texting while exercising is like wearing an i-pod while having sex. The brain's role in working out is primarily inhibitory and should be reduced as much as possible. As Mark Leyner once said, serious workouts should ideally be modeled on the copulatory abandon of the headless praying mantis.

While we’re at it, stay off the treadmill altogether. Steady-state cardio is vastly overrated, and I venture to say that most people probably get sufficient cardiovascular benefits running back and forth from the fridge in order to catch the latest broadcast of “The Biggest Loser. Do some push ups. Lift some weights. Take a yoga class. Try Zumba. Sign up for kick-boxing. Anything except that walking human habitrail.

PORTRAIT OF A SHADY

The ubiquitous phenomenon known as “the selfie” always makes me ponder what future civilizations will think about this narcissistic period of time defined by obsessively taking one’s own portrait with a cell phone, filtering the image in the best possible light, and dispersing it on social media. Will future generations look back on our selfies with the same morbid disgust that we currently reserve for Victorian-era child mortuary portraits?

I get that we all want to structure the perception of ourselves in a way that reflects favorably upon ourselves. And really, there’s nothing inherently wrong with publishing the occasional self-portrait. After all, one’s appearance is a significant part of the life you’re presenting to the world. Taken tastefully, the “selfie” can even add a bit of context to your never-ending stream of lattes, cats, skylines, blurry concert photos, and food.

However, can we please all make a pact to use the selfie a bit more sparingly, like saffron in a fucking paella? In my humble opinion, selfies should be used about as frequently as one goes to the dentist. Once a year is fine. Twice is acceptable. Three is a bit obsessive. But any more than that and you’re crossing over into the realm of Narcissus.

Oh yeah, one more thing...Stop with the fucking duck lips! You don't look sexy. You look like a platypus prostitute. Stop scaring the kids.

Capiche?

READING

Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris: Slightly uneven. Might be of greater interest to new readers rather than long-time followers. Entertaining but doesn’t have the side-splitting humor to which we’ve become accustomed.

The Privileges by Jonathan Dee: A highly intelligent and elegant novel about values, greed, family and modern morality. However, like Chinese food, I felt hungry after reading it.

Tenth of December by George Saunders: Possibly the most highly-anticipated but well-received book of the past year. Nobody today writes like Saunders. His off-beat wit is unlike anyone else. Perfect summer beach reading.

May We Be Forgiven by A.M.Homes: Definitely worth ALL the hype. Highly recommended. She's definitely my new nerd crush. Be sure to read it this summer.

The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Ahmid: A fascinating novel about a Pakistani-American man torn between the history of two cultures. The book has some great ideas but somehow falls short of being great. Nonetheless, it’s an extremely thought-provoking post-9/11 novels that, even a month later, still has me thinking about it.

KANYE WEST, ON THE REWRITE TIP

Sometimes I like to think that somewhere in Kanye West's garbage can, there's a crumpled up Post-It note that says "Let's get glossed tonight. You can be my black Bob Ross tonight."

Does anyone besides me get that joke?

STIRRED, NOT SHAKEN

The Girlfriend and I have been living together for almost a year now. Since we both have joint custody of our children, this means that for 50% of our time, we have three children from two separate marriages living under one roof.

It's pure heaven and we don't take any of our happiness for granted. Luck and fate somehow conspired to bring us together. For that, we're eternally grateful.

When a single parent first swims into the uncharted waters of post-divorce dating, there is so much that can go wrong; the whole experience can be fraught with anxiety. Sure, maybe the occasional one-night fling or brief summer romance can help soften the blow but when the initial euphoria ends, you realize that finding a life-long partner is going to be infinitely harder than the last time you were single.

Even when you think you're ready for a serious relationship, you rarely are. The most important thing I tell anyone who gets divorced is to really take your time before jumping back into the dating scene. The dissolution of a marriage is a traumatic experience and you have to put the work into yourself before you're ready to be with another person. Patience is the key. Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

When the Boss Lady and I split up, I was forty years old with a four-year-old daughter. I had no idea what was in store for my future and my mind raced with a million questions.

Will I ever find someone who shares my perspective on life?

Does that woman even exist?

Will she mind that I have a kid?

Will she even like kids?

What if she wants one of her own?

What if she already has kids?

What if her kids hate me?

What if my kid hates her?

What if the kids hate each other?

The Girlfriend and I have been extremely lucky to find one another. I'll get into the trial and tribulations of forming a modern-day blended family in another post but, right now, I'll just say that things are going great.

The two of us have a very loving relationship, and it's important for us to show our kids what a healthy relationship looks like. We're firm believers that children live what they learn. But in a way, that's all besides the point. What makes all of it so much easier is the fact that our kids truly do love one another. They love like sisters. They fight like sisters. And they make up like sisters.

While the Peanut have may have had a bit of a tougher time acclimating from being an only child to a middle one, it's been a major adjustment for all of us. Yet despite the fact that so many things could have gone wrong, we couldn't be happier about how well things have worked out. Three girls under one roof can be intimidating but, at the end of the day, they care for each other. They love one another. And they're lucky to have one another. What more could two divorced parents ask for?

Food and girls is a hard one. My middle one flat out stopped eating a few years ago when I got separated. Personally I'd see a nutritionist and also make it as little a deal as you possibly can. Oh and feed her ice cream every day. Truly. Our nutritionist at the time said to give it twice a day if needed. They need the calories and it reminds them how tasty food can be. Good luck on that one and on recovering from the surgery.

I haven't yet jumped into the dating pool, even though my ex-husband is married and has a new baby already. I'm just not ready. I think it's great that you found someone and are happy.

When my brother was aged 9 he would only eat cereal...the Dr. didn't think anything was wrong, he said if he wants to eat cereal all day then let him eat it...he maintained weight and eventually grew out of it.

Pierre,
Beautifully, eloquently written. Thank you. Regarding the food issue: My 8 yr old son eats about 6 things: Pizza, Trader Joe's chicken nuggets, fruit (as many as 6-10 apples daily), and pancakes with no syrup. Water only. NO CONDIMENTS--EVER. Zero vegetables. Peanut butter and jelly only because we force him for breakfast on schol days. We've brought this up with his pediatrician and he has said 5% of kids outgrow this pattern. No doubt we have a 20-1 dog worth betting on. I wish you luck but no good suggestions. When did this food madness start? When we were kids, you were either picky or not, but nothing like this shit.

Hi Oppa, so glad to hear from you! I'm sorry you've been dealing with health issues, and I'm glad to hear you're on the mend.

Aside from the bathroom sharing aspect (our family of 4 shares 1 bathroom, so I feel your pain), your new blended family sounds like SO much fun!!! I am so happy for you all!

And because of some health issues of my own, I just started working out a couple months ago. I'm still a n00b, but I don't understand how people can focus on a book or a TV screen during physical activity! My eyes can't focus on shit when I'm jostling around, trying not to look like That Fat Girl.

Give me an iPod filled with some fast tunes, and I'm good. I've already fallen in love with the peace of just shutting off all thoughts beyond getting past the next few minutes of exertion and letting Britney Spears (don't judge!) fill my head completely. :P

When my daughter was 8, she barely ate anything. The amount of food she had in a single day couldn't fill up a plate. She was practically skin and bones. We tried to feed her favorite foods but she really didn't have any.

We went to several nutritionists and they all said the same thing. just let her eat whatever she wants. Let her pick out her meals. Make sure to give her multivitamins. Try to get her to hgave dairy.

None of that really helped. Then one doctor said that it could be a control thing. If we let her help make her own dinner, thing might change. He said if she had a healthy breakfast, a healthy snack after school, then if she didn't eat dinner not to worry about it, but don't let her eat snacks with the other kids after dinner and after awhile, she started eating dinner again.

It's helped. Not much. But compared to before, it's much better. Good luck.

In your girls' defense, the cat probably was curious about them for 3 hours and then started treating them like unwanted captors.

And I was a little concerned about your soliciting "sexy time" in a letter ostensibly to your girlfriend and *daughters*, but then I remembered that you said only your nanny would read it, and it all made sense.

Good luck with your oldest girl. I'm inclined to say let her eat whatever she wants, but if this is a relatively recent adjustment and not general finickiness (a la youngest daughter and white pasta) it could definitely indicate something more going on (especially given her age).

Take note of what she will eat and when she'll eat and talk to her doctor/nutritionist.

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yay you're back! the thought of not eating and potentially ruining my health meant I always ate my food! (plus being an asian girl, I love food) just exercised lots I guess. I dunno if that helps..... the not eating thing is pretty bad, the protein - can you just get her some chia seeds etc so it bulks up whatever she's eating? But yeah being a chinese kid if I didn't eat i'd be in big trouble. is it related to a fear of losign weight? A mental issue (anorexia or something like that in its mild form) - is she a perfectionist/ stressed etc

When my bro was 5, he suffered a severe bout of constipation (so much pain etc) that he had to get an enema. Needless to say he made sure he had some vegies and varied food since.

Welcome back MD! Hope you're feeling good as new soon - or that you give us some more Vicodon fueled musings if you're not!

Girls and food are a constant worry. The biggest thing I've learned raising my two daughters (ages 21 & 18) is that it's usually about control. Find ways to let her feel like she's in control of her intake and it'll get better.

I also have three girls, ages 3-9 with food pickiness that changes every couple years. My solution: I make one dinner and if one doesn't want to eat it, then don't. There will be no snacks or desserts afterwards, so decide accordingly. This is based on the advice of the ancient pediatrician who cared for me, and he wasn't wrong. When kids are hungry enough, they will eat whatever is set in front of them. And no, I am not advocating starving the kids. One day is enough for them to get hungry enough.

YES A NEW ENTRY! That is all that I can say. I really missed reading your blog. Come back quick!
ps: your girl has grown into such a sweet young girl! And I am so so glad that everything is going well with the family!

My philosophy on food and kids is just never make a big deal of it. And no way does anyone, including adults, ever HAVE to eat everything on their plate. As long as you've tried a mouthful of each thing that's there and you've had enough, that's fine. And you can have a apple for dessert.

Whoa. Thought you were gone for good this time. I hoped not, but I also completely understand about how pesky things like life can interfere with important things like blogging for your adoring fans. Sorry to hear about the challenges being thrown at you. Sounds like there is much goodness too. If you never wrote another word, I would consider myself lucky to have had what you gave in this blog. Take care of yourself!

It would start off with a lecture how people in Africa are starving so I shouldn't waste food. If that failed, my parents would switch the lights off and leave me in the dining room until I would finish my dinner. I have a fear of the dark :/