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Sunday, 7 July 2013

They say the best way to learn is from our mistakes. I, by experience can vouch for this. I grew up a good kid, apart from being spoiled due to only child syndrome. I can still remember the first time I felt guilty for lying, because I knew it was bad and I hated the feeling. I've never been good at it and never really understood how lying gets people anywhere. It isn't honesty that hurts people, it's the actions that we are ashamed of, that cause pain. The truth does not have consequences, actions have consequences. We hide the truth or create a lie to avoid these consequences. I consider myself a very honest person and when writing a 22 page essay on myself in my final year of high school, I received a 95% with a note saying "Robyn I enjoyed your essay, you are honest, even to a fault." This still confuses me to this day. Is honesty not a virtue? How can it be a fault? My honesty is not the fault, the things I have done are the fault. I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I do my best to learn from them.

I value my honesty and the honesty of others. Being honest and admitting to my mistakes and faults does not make me proud of my actions in anyway. It makes me human. And the fact that even though I hate lying and consider myself a very honest person, I still find myself lying or hiding. I am human and I can be scared to admit the truth, because in this world, honesty is not always valued. Some people would rather hear a lie or are afraid of the truth. Each of us has or will fear our own truths, for the pain we may cause ourselves, the ones we love or anyone for that matter. It is what we are capable of and the mistakes that we've made that make us fear ourselves and being honest.

In my short 22 years, I have tried my best to lie as little as possible, to not sneak around. I learned that the longer you keep a lie, the worse the consequence can be. My parents, family and friends know most of my dark secrets, my mistakes and my faults. I say most, because there are still parts of my history and soul that I don't share with anyone. I am still human, I am not perfect.
I try not to make excuses for my actions, but what we have lived through, what we know and what we suffer from, all make up who we are. Some of us make a mistake once and that's enough for us to learn, and sometimes we might have to make it a couple times before it really begins to sink in.

2 years ago, I let myself go. I was "wild and free," I had no fear. After a failed relationship, I wanted to take control of my life, find out who I was and what I was capable of. I experimented and instead of taking control, I lost it. Everyone knew my actions, because I wasn't good at hiding and lying, the lack of fear that I had made me careless and proud of my mistakes, I was young and used this as my excuse.
A year passed and so did an uncountable amount of mistakes. I still loved my ex and we reconnected. I left my new found scene and went back to him, but my mistakes and actions combined with his own, made for a toxic relationship.
We were able to look passed each other's new identities for awhile until things became too much. I knew I had grown more than he had, and learned much more from my mistakes, but I am not perfect. I take responsibility for my part of our failed relationship in our second attempt, but he still had much more to learn. I was angry at him, I had been ready for us, I had lived and learned, but apparently he still had more to learn himself and we weren't meant to be. I was angry, at him and the world. A close family member had been taken in a tragic accident and the world wasn't the brightest for me. I am not using this as an excuse, but our environment affects us, and I was not in the best place.

I made a mistake and took advantage of myself and let others take advantage of me, I let myself go backwards. I thought maybe that careless, single girl I had been, was really who I am. It only took 2 months for me to realize, I was not that girl anymore. I was much more than that, I deserved more than that, but I still made mistakes in those 2 short months. Mistakes that I am held accountable for and as much as I hate to admit to them, I still made them. I let myself ignore reality, to forget about my own problems and pain, by committing actions that would cause that same pain for someone else. I didn't stop to think about how my actions would affect others, because I wanted a release from my own life. As a human I can be selfish, unkind and guilty.

This weekend I was a guilty part of a fight over a guy, who is not worth the pain he has caused her, i and probably many other girls. But he too is only human. I do not believe in physical violence and have never been apart of it before, I was shocked of my capabilities in a fight and filled with empathy for her afterwards. I had been apart of something that hurt her and I deserved the consequences of my actions, but I am only human and defended myself when the fight became too much.
I had always wanted to know what it would feel like to be in a fight and I wished that I could remember more of it. I remember what was going through my head, but I don't know what happened. I was so filled with adrenaline and instinct, it was a part of myself that I was not familiar with. I am not proud of that fight and my part in it, but I defended myself. I did not leave the fight unharmed, I am okay with the bruise, because she was hurting inside. I understand that feeling of hate, I've been on that side of the fence as well. And I've learned. I'm not that person I was 6 months ago, but I am still accountable for my carelessness and unkind actions from that time and I have learned from them.

I hope that the girl I have hurt and who that guy has hurt much so much more, holds him accountable for his continued mistakes, or are they mistakes if you do not feel guilt? I know I have felt the guilt, but has he? I hope that she remembers that by committing to her, he made a promise to be faithful. I made no such promise to her, yet while we tried to rip each other apart he stood in the same room...with no one at his throat. By acting like animals in a fight, her and I only made his ego swell larger. My largest regret about that fight is directing my anger toward to the wrong person, even in self defence. I should have let her hit me, and then directed myself towards him. Even she should have the courage and respect for herself to hate him like she hates the girls, but sometimes love can get in the way, instead I wish I had thought of her instead of myself and given him what he deserves to receive from her. I will not feel so bad if she decides to continue letting him hurt her, but I will not be apart of it again.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I can be selfish, unkind and cruel, but I try to take every mistake and learn from it. I try to make myself a better person from it all. I am honest and hold myself accountable for my actions, even if I am ashamed of them. They say only God can judge me, but we all know that each and every person judges each other. So judge me, chose to love me, like me, dislike me, hate me or simply let me exist. I've done wrong and I've done good, life is about learning and living to be the best person you can be. It's about deciding how you want to live and how you want to be remembered after you are gone. I want to live with my past behind me, the present to the fullest and with all the hope of the future. I want to be happy with myself and who I am.