If Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary are ready and you simply cannot avoid throwing down, make sure you follow these rules.

Don't. You are smarter than this. There is too much you can't control. Even as it starts, know that it will be fast, faster than you could ever imagine and over before you can think much. If it isn't, then you know you are in the middle of some bad news. So just don't.

• But if you must, make it faster for him than it is for you. First, look for the door; don't let anything start until you can see a clear path to it.

• Don't punch -- it breaks fingers. Big, bloody compound fractures. Hit with the heel of your palm -- in the chest, in the lips, or on the nose.

• Don't hit people on other parts of the head. It kills them -- destroys lives, makes cops more likely to arrest you.

• Scratching is bad, since it never really hurts the other guy, leaves marks for the cops to see, and leaves the other guy looking like he was beating off a house cat.

• Biting, however, is good, especially through clothes, since it always really, really hurts.

• Head butts: fine, but be close when you deliver them, aiming for the spot where nose meets forehead.

• Elbows are always harder and more effective than you'd expect.

• If you have glasses, take them off.

• Don't fight in your coat.

• If you are heavy, use gravity as a muscle, dragging the guy to the floor, but for God's sake -- stay on top.

• If you are small, make yourself smaller. Crouch. Make one small jab, fucking hard one time, right below the nose, and step back. Retreat, sidestep him, pop him as he misses you. Never let the bigger guy get you down.

• Keep your mouth shut. It might sound kind of kung fu to shout or grunt, but eventually someone will be shrieking or pleading. This must not be you.

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• If you get the other guy down, end it. Let the crowd pull you off.

• Don't kick him when he's on the ground, because you can rupture a spleen or break his back.

• Don't use a flourish -- no pile driver, no knee-drop. Just walk away.

• But remember: No one gets knocked out cold like in the movies. A fight is never over. Find the door again and leave.

• And tell yourself the truth: You may be smarter now than you were before, but even then you were smart enough never to get in a fight.

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