Archive for November, 2009

The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down. And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities. But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place. Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up. Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.

But Elmo Mohammed has an idea. He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park? An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world? Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?

“It would be more than just rides. It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island. It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.

“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls. The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it. May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.

“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp. Guests could join right in: Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals. Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra? Wow.”

The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical. Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time. Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.

Don Smerfnerd of Smerfnerd Investments is urging all customers to load up on gold, and do it now. He says he is personally jumping on the bandwagon, joining the new cast of Gold Fever who have been coming out of the woodwork, citing the recently released Shlunkmann Economic Study that, he says, predicts gold could go as high as $2000 per ounce.

But the truth is, the Shlunkmann study, if anyone took the time to read it, never predicted gold would go to 2000. The study itself was about self-fulfilling prophesies, the Pygmalion effect. But it used the example if enough nutcases started predicting that gold would double in price, and ginned-up enough fear in the marketplace, it could all set in motion events that would actually cause the price of gold to double. So, then what’s the deal with Smerfnerd? Many of his colleagues have been wondering the same thing…why is Smerfnerd, a conservative investor, doing this? He has never been one to buy at the high end of the market and get shmucked.

Turns out, our intrepid investigative reporter discovered that Smerf and a couple of his ex-Amway buddies devised a Buy Gold pyramid scheme. It goes like this: You buy some gold, then go pitch/grab some buddies to buy gold, who go hawk even more people to buy it, who then shake down some of their friends/family…and so on. Feed the fear factor of world economic collapse, and roll out some drivel likening our situation to the fall of the Roman Empire. Get someone to do a story of a family storing canned goods in their 60’s -era fallout shelter. Toss in a Nostradamus prediction or two. Develop a network of gold sellers, and grab a little commission on every layer in the sales pyramid. Pocket some serious dough.

At some point, like all good pyramid schemes, it will all come crashing down. Smerf will eventually run out of nimrods to suck into his web, and some people will start doing a little bit of gold dumping….then the gold price will plummet. But by then, Smerf will likely have bailed on all his stash, pocketed a tidy profit, raked in enough commissions, and will be laughing all the way to the Caymans. Smerfnerd could not be reached for comment.

The Chinese just announced that they will offer Bizarreville a newly-issued credit card to make it easier and convenient to make payments on the national debt. As part of the package, the system will allow payments on-line from any Bizarreville Treasury computer, with a simple “Click and Doink” user-friendly method.

China has suggested, as a first step, transferring the $11 trillion (oops, just went over $12 trillion) National Debt to the card with no transfer fee. They argue that rather than having T-bills spread across such a wide base, why not just do a bill consolidator loan into one central spot? “Just like the poor shmuck who has a half-dozen personal loans who’s getting eaten up with minimum charges, and finally consolidates them into one huge home equity loan. Just the sensible thing to do, right?”

The Chinese will offer low monthly minimum payment, in exchange for a slightly higher interest rate. As a teaser, they will offer a 6.1% APR rate for the first six months, but then it will go up to 11.0% APR afterward. Some Bizarrvillians were rebuffed initially at this high rate, but the Chinese said it was “…fixed for 20 years irregardless of any impending world financial meltdown. In time…you’ll see.”

The Chinese are also offering a Rewards Points program with the new card. The catalog has pages and pages of prizes, some pretty nice, but some pretty pathetic. Lousy ones include several hundred thousand used Chinese military uniforms, and a 70’s-era Russian built “fixer-upper special” fighter jet. Example of a good prizes include multiple-night stays at the new Macau casinos with $100 free seed gambling dollars.

Bizarreville economists probed into the details of the card, then asked that there be no prepayment penalty. The Chinese busted out laughing uncontrollably at that notion. After 12 minutes of this laugh-fest, the top Chinese economist said, “Sure. No problem.”

Bizarreville retailers are off to a good fresh start on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving when stores open up pre-dawn with hard-to-believe Door Opener specials, and lines of trembling shoppers camping out to get first dibs. With all the uncertainty in the economy, retailers were approaching this Black Friday with more trepidation than usual…and so did some special planning accordingly.

Retailers started by advertising more aggressively in the Thanksgiving Day newspapers. Rather than the typical 25% discount promotion with a few small footnote “exclusions”, they decided to go with 40% discounts with more extensive and creative exclusions in ultra-miniscule font size, easily readable with a 100X power microscope. One tricky retailer offered the 40% discount only to customers who came in the store wearing large panama hats with purple bandanas, but was surprised to see that half the nutballs in line had the stupid hats on. One customer had one with a blue bandana, and a heated argument ensued with the store manager over the definition of “purple”.

Stores have adjusted down their famous “Limited Quantities Available” promotional items from the typical 4 or 5 items down to 1 or 2 items, so they can execute the bait-and-switch shtick a little earlier. Meanwhile, they are bumping up the prices on the “switch” items to bolster margins, once the promo items are quickly snarfed up. It would seem that shoppers might be wary of these tricks, but the stores are offering free Extra Bold coffee to keep them in a manic, frenzy state so they miss the fine details of their pricing shenanigans.

Stores have spent more time training their sales and checkout employees on how to execute their Black Friday chicanery, with particular emphasis on how to play dumb, e.g. huh, I don’t know where that item is…huh, guess we sold out of it…huh, I don’t know what the ad says…huh, we don’t have a store manager here today so you’ll just have to talk to me…huh, if I try to give you a break, I’ll get fired. Reportedly, the trainees this year seem more adept than ever at learning the Play Dumb skill set.

Stores are still working schemes and strategies to try and unload the junky crap that’s been gathering dust since January on their shelves. One retailer said, “We could offer a 90% discount on this crud, and it still will be fermenting here. May just back up the truck and haul it off to the City Dump…or may just give it to our employees as sort of a ‘Christmas Bonus’…yeah, we’ll probably do that.”

Most citizens in Bizarreville are expressing joy and giving thanks on this Thanksgiving Day today. They reflect on the year of triumphs and challenges, give thanks that they somehow made it through it all, then start carving into a plump turkey at the dining table. It would seem to be one day in the year free of whining and belly-aching.

But no. The Vegetarian Society of Bizarreville cannot resist the opportunity to have a march. This day, in particular, irks the hell out of them because of the shear volume of meat product and by-product that is wolfed down across the land. They rail about the enormous turkey farms in Midwest Bizarreville that create so much uncontrolled putrid odor that poisons the atmosphere with turknyacin (a word, we believe, they made up). “The turknyacin emissions are also being inhaled by birds, which has proven to cause a chemical reaction in their digestive tract. This produces an epoxy-like substance that, when their feces drops, becomes almost impossible to scrape off windshields. We have a bonefide 2009 Birdologist University study and our own windshields and bent scrapers to prove it.”

The Veg Society will have a communal dinner tonight at Gluffner’s Greenhouse Emporium. In the center of the table will be giant roasted broccoli sprigs, which will be meticulously carved by the Veg president. Members will feast on steamed yams, rutabagas, collards, lima beans, zuccini which was all donated by Hank’s Market. Hank said he was getting ready to throw it all out into the dumpster anyway, so was happy to divert it their way.

Many in the community are not happy with the “Veg-balls”, as they call them. They would prefer the members just eat their beans and shut up…”and have your university scholars study your emissions from all that bean processing, while you’re at it.” The Veg Society responds, “They’re just angry because they are forced every year to have to watch the Detroit Lions on TV. Yeah…that’s enough to bring out disgruntlement in anyone…even us.”

B-Mart, Bizarreville’s largest discount chain, unveiled a new exciting strategy yesterday – its plans for entry into the primary medical care business. Company spokesmen indicated it fits extremely well with the new government health care program, which will be seeking high-volume, quickie-care providers to displace the soon-to-be-obsolete model of slower deliberate medical care.

B-Mart is particularly well-suited to this new model of care. The company built its enormous business on providing cheap consumer crap to the masses. “This is exactly what the new health system will be wanting…especially when demand skyrockets as whiney hordes want their noses wiped, just as more and more “conventional” doctors bolt and retire. Someone needs to fill the void, and it might as well be us.”

B-Mart’s creative engineering team has come up with an innovative moving sidewalk approach to maximize patient throughput. The people mover will be similar to what one might see at some airports today. Patients will jump on board, and travel from station to station:

– Patient will swipe their credit card at the start, and punch the ailment button from a menu choice

– At the first station, vitals will be checked by an octogenarian quasi-nurse, just promoted from the Greeter job, and given an official looking nurse hat.

– Next station: urine test station, which may get a little tricky and will require some degree of coordination and dexterity to prevent making a disgusting mess.

– Pass through a combination x-ray/CAT scan machine for a quick flash. The pictures are never developed nor used, but it gives the patient the confidence that something real is happening.

– A real doctor (not necessarily the brightest bulb in the fixture, but one who does have a bonefide shingle) will do what real doctors do: look down your throat and ears, ask you to cough, thump a few things, then write down a lot of blurbage on a record of some sort. If time permits, the doc may ask you what specifically your problem is, but this information is not critical to the overall process.

– An automated shot dispenser gives you one in the hiney of some predetermined concoction of goop. Meanwhile an automatic printer spits out a fresh prescription for you to take over to the Rx counter.

B-Mart thinks they will revolutionize meatball health care just like they revolutionized mass junk retail. They are thinking an introductory price would be $9.95 per visit…and that cost may even be picked up by the government in the Public Option. Clearly, innovation is back in full swing at B-Mart and they are ready for the next wave of mass customers.

Bizarreville is trying to quickly follow New Hampshire’s initiative – a government requirement to provide 6 paid sick days off per year for each and every employee on the payroll. Government officials are not exactly making it a requirement to be sick 6 days/year, but admit that it would be “extremely helpful” if all people would contract some ailment to meet the specified quota. “There are many ailments out there, but Flu would certainly be a suggested choice, and there are many, many places where it can be gotten.” Officials are dissuading people from catching the Cold, because that is often considered too lame an excuse for taking a day off.

Shmelker Industries claimed that this was the stupidest idea since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. Historians, however, responded that this comment was inaccurate, and that there were considerably more ideas stupider than this one: the Edsel, new Coke, Mr. Potato Head, to name a few. Shmelker quipped they used to give lapel pins for perfect attendance but were now being mandated to give them to all who miss 6 days of work or less. “Maybe we should call it Fair-To-Midlin Attendance, rather than Perfect Attendance?” Unamused officials said, “No, six or less is perfect…don’t be a punk.”

Labor unions have been generally positive about the change but insisted that “overstress” also be considered a legitimate reason for taking a day, and that Doctor Bartender be authorized as a sanctioned treatment center. Officials indicated that this would comply with the reg, but the employee would have to get a signed slip from the bartender before returning to work.

Some opponents have argued that this is just another example of government control mania…wanting to take over more and more aspects of business and personal life oversight. The government response to that: “What was that guy’s name, and where does he live?”

Shlumbucker Inc. said that this concept of paying for nothing is spreading to the other areas of their business. A bearing supplier recently sent them a pallet of empty boxes, but still invoiced for full payment. The situation was a bit embarrassing for execs at Derford Bearing Company, but they tried to lighten things up, “Guess those bearings were just sick that day and decided to stay home (ha, ha).” Later, those execs checked into Bizarreville Hospital with minor contusions/lacerations to their ears from scraping on asphalt.

Bizarreville leaders just got back from what they termed a “quasi-successful” diplomatic trip to China. The trip purpose was primarily economic – to discuss the crippling trade deficit that’s reaching epic proportions, and also to try to sell them an assortment of large bridges and a lot-ful of used Chrysler LeBaron convertibles.

The Bizarreville contingent had started by suggesting the Chinese open their markets to Bizarreville goods. But the Chinese responded “Your garbage is the best quality product you make, and we’re already buying much of that (ha, ha). But seriously, we’re thinking about importing some of your Chinese eggrolls….yours are much tastier and crisper…must use better grease. Might even go ahead and have you ship us the grease, too. Yeah, take a note…one supertanker load of grease, ship it to the port of Shanghai.”

Bizarrevillians hinted that the Chi-coms might be dumping athletic footwear products in their markets, but made no outright accusation. One Bizarreville economist chided that “You can’t sell Air Smellbom shoes in Bizarreville at cheaper prices than you sell them in your home market.” But the Chinese responded, “Pfffft…hey, our comrade citizens don’t even buy that expensive crap, if they even buy shoes at all.” Bizarreville leaders explained that China just needed to stop exporting so darn much stuff to them. But Chinese suggested, “Why don’t you go back to that ‘Made in Bizarreville’ shtick you tried a few years back? Wasn’t that WalMart that was pitching that drool? Our guys laughed like hell during that fiasco…man, that was precious!”

Bizarreville leaders concluded that, while not much progress was made on the economic front, at least they made the Chinese leaders laugh. “After all, laughter is a key element in building a strong diplomatic foundation for a long-term sustainable partnership.” That statement made the Chinese laugh even more, “Ha, ha, ha…you guys really crack me up…..ha, ha, ha, ha…stop it man, I’m dying here…ho, ho, ho…Ooooh, I’m busting a gut…ha, ha, ha, ha.”

A special task force was formed last week to develop workable solutions and countermeasures to halt the growing fear of Sarah Palin in Bizarreville’s left wing community. Even the nighttime TV talk show comic hosts can be seen sweating profusely when joking about her, prompting complaints from their guests about the host’s BO during the couch interviews. “He might need to take a quick shower during commercial break…either that or start joking about someone less fearful during the monologue. If not, I’m wearing a clothespin on my nose next time,” cracked one Hollywood actor recent guest. “Hey, even I start sweating in the Green Room when her name comes up…almost caused me to forget my pitch lines for my upcoming movie ‘Brokebutt Mountain’. Geez.”

Clearly, Sarah’s radical ideas of small government, accountability, fiscal responsibility, family, and patriotism do not play well in the left corners of Bizarreville. The small government argument, in particular, seems to fan the biggest fear flames. “We have worked for generations to create a huge bureaucracy. Our gampaws and great-grampaws fought tooth and nail for every little new worthless agency, new goofball department, new half-baked program, new flaky handout. Are we going to let all their hard work just get flushed down the toilet? They’d be turning over in their graves, so unproud of our lack of guts to hold the line on these cuts.”

“I’ve heard Sarah talk, and she’s serious, just a little too serious, thank you very much. I mean the other lame politicians would get up there and blabber about cutting down the size of government…blah, blah, blah, blah. But we all knew they were just blowing hot air, and that once they got into Power, they’d fall right in line with our fine legacy of knuckleheads. But I don’t think Sarah’s got the knucklehead in her. This is a serious, serious threat…let me tell you.”

The task force main focus will be to continue to find absurd ways to make fun of Sarah…the old “make her look stupid, trashy, disconnected” ruse. Some on the committee are concerned that that card has already been overplayed, and might backfire. They want some new bold discreditation strategy, even if they have to make stuff up, or stage events. “The Hollywood community has pledged to help us produce whatever films, videos, or other media to support this Bash & Trash strategy.”

The task force has committed to issue their report including Marching Orders to the Left Wingers and Left Leaners by their May 1st Holiday.

Reports are surfacing of much sinister deal-making by Leaders squirming to get votes to pass the new Bizarreville Health Care program. It’s going to be a close vote, so they’re exercising their creativity like never before.

Allegedly, leaders promised one lawmaker that his district would get funding for an all-new theme park if he voted YES on the bill. The park would create thousands of new jobs. When Leaders were challenged about this shenanigan, the Whip explained it would be a “Medical Theme” theme park with roller coasters that look like giant arteries and coaster cars outfitted to look like clots. There would be simulators that take riders on exciting, adventurous trips up the human bowel. “It would be an educational experience like no other for the kids, and a perfect fit with the intent of the proposed Health Care bill to better educate the public,” said the Leaders.

Another lawmaker was wavering on his vote, so Leaders threw him a bone…funding to rebuild each and every highway in his district. The decision was rationalized by saying those potholes and rough roads were creating teeth-jarring impacts on backs and spinal columns, running up health costs for the citizenry. Fixing the roads and reducing these costs would greatly help pay for the huge bureaucracy that would be necessary to drive the whole program. The Lawmaker tried to hold out for all concrete roads, but reluctantly settled on some asphalt in the final negotiated deal.

A 3rd lawmaker, Ernest Drooper, wanted his back scratched at least as much as those other two. Drooper and the Leaders wrestled through several negotiating sessions to delve into what greasing-of-the-skids would be needed to change his vote. Finally, they agreed to build a modest-size pharmaceutical research laboratory focused on eliminating corns on baby toes…apparently a huge problem among his constituents. The Corn Toe Lab will break ground early next year.

So, it’s looking like the Health Care bill is getting the bolstering it needs for passage. There could be some additional vote leakage as word gets out of the flim-flamming going on, and other lawmakers demand their fair share of beak-wetting. But Leaders plan to hurry the bill through, while Pandora’s box is still partially closed.

Bizarreville citizens are getting suspicious. First it was the whole business of the Feds commissioning the medical study that ultimately concluded that women did not need annual mammograms, in fact did not need to even start until 50 years old. Frustration could clearly be seen on the faces of Officials in the Health Dept, almost to the point of shock. Later, it leaked out that they were looking for a frequency of every 5 years, starting at age 60.

Soon after, another curious study showed up in press releases. This one concluded that clipping toenails would prevent catching the flu…and this was much more effective than stupid flu vaccines at 25 bucks a pop. The study also pointed out that toenail clipping was much lower risk than going to your doctor’s office and incubating in his germ-infested scuzz-bucket waiting room, departing with new ailments.

But then, a 3rd study was published recommending all citizens smoke at least 3 packs of cigarettes a day. The stated rationale was that the enormous amount of inhaled tar essentially built an impenetrable protective shield, preventing nearly all types of parasites and microbes from entering the body. Plus, the abundant poisonous additives mixed into the tobacco would be very effective killing cancer cells and other unwanted nasties. The study further recommended that all restaurants revert back to putting No Smoking areas in lousy back corners of the room, like was done in the old days, thus flip-flopping the 2nd class citizen designation.

Skeptics say that these whacky studies do not pass the Smell Test…in point of fact, they smell like 6-month old stale liverwurst sandwiches stuffed in a gym locker with well-perspired undergarments. Nevertheless, Bizarreville authorities have stamped the studies as “Official”, and are using the results to help mold the new upcoming Health Care program. “Smells like money to me,” one official was quoted saying.

In a recent interview with Randy Spurn, the head of Bizarreville’s largest service employees union, the BSEIU, our reporter probed into his deep beliefs on capitalism vis-a-vis other economic models.

“The problem basically goes back 223 years when those crazies in Philadelphia drafted up that Declaration thing. They were all reading the radical teachings of that nutball Adam Smith, who ushered in this whole free-market, competitive structure, willy-nilly independence thing. I think Smith was probably some kind of 18th century drug kingpin, or something. You know, before that, there were rules. And there were heavies right at hand to bust some chops of any rule-breakers. Bottom line: it worked.

“And now we’re seeing the fall-out from these 223 years of party/orgy/greed. You see poor people in the ghetto who can only afford one measly flat-screen HD television, who have to buy ground chuck instead of ground round, and who must scrimp and save just to be able to afford two lousy packs of cigarettes a day. Many are cutting back weekly lottery ticket purchases to under $25/week. It’s tough out there.

“Even my people in the Union with our lousy pensions are having to wait until they’re 57 or 58 years old before they can retire. Meanwhile, they’re busting their backs working 40 hours a week with only 4 or 5 breaks during the day…then getting criticized and harassed just because they happen to enjoy occasional sluff-off time at work. Who doesn’t enjoy a little sluff time? I mean, come on.

“And it’s all because these greedy CEOs are skimming the cream. Yeah sure, they claim they work 80 hour weeks, 7-days a week, Blackberried to every little thing that happens….baaaah. They’re all a bunch of crooks taking advantage of my dear members just because they’re uneducated, unskilled, uncoordinated, and smell kinda bad. It’s discrimination, and needs to stop now.”

Shortly after the interview, Spurn was taken back to his rest home (paid for with BSEIU union dues), where he was administered his normal medications.