(#2100) Please tell the truth!
Rebecca is suing her husband Sydney for divorce after 35 years of marriage.
When she gets on the witness stand, she spends 20 minutes explaining all
of Sydney's faults, and ending up with, "And that's not all, your Honour.
My husband is always cursing me - in fact he even curses me in his sleep."
At that, Sydney jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "That's a total lie,
your Honour. I'm not asleep!"

(#2101) A different kind of help
Emanuel Solomons flicks through the Yellow pages, finds the name of a
local psychiatrist, and makes an appointment to see him. A week later, Emanuel
enters Dr Kotik's consulting room and lies down on the couch.
"So how can I help you?" asks Dr Kotik.
"Don't be funny, doctor," replies Emanuel. "Can't you see who I am? I
am Napoleon the Great. I am the greatest and I don't need anyone's help.
I have a large army ready to invade Austria and Russia, and we will win,
doctor, we will win. So I don't need your help."
"So if you don't need my help, why have you come to see me?" asks Dr Kotic.
"I've come here to get your advice on my wife," replies Emanuel. "You
see, she just doesn't know who she is. She won't stop telling everyone that
her name is Mrs Solomons!"

(#2102) Did you know that .......?
Did you know that the big lavish weddings that we all plan for our children
are becoming so outrageously expensive that it's now the father of the bride
who breaks down and weeps!

(#2103) Decisions, decisions [My thanks to Asher P for the following]
It's 10pm and Hannah is sitting in her lounge quietly reading a fashion
magazine. On the other side of the room, her husband Benny is watching TV.
But Benny is very agitated and keeps on switching channels. Eventually,
Hannah says to him, "For goodness sake, Benny, stop going backwards and
forwards will you. Just find a channel you like and watch it."
"I wish I could," replies Benny, "but I'm confused. At this moment, there's
a very important game of golf being shown on channel 26, and you know how
much I like golf. But on channel 99, they're showing a triple X rated film
called, 'How couples can achieve mutual orgasm.' I just don't know
whether to watch a young couple enjoying unbridled sex, or else watch golf."
"I don't know why you're finding it so difficult to choose," says Hannah.
"You already know how to play golf."

(#2104) The wise rabbi
Morris stops going to shul soon after his barmitzvah. He
doesn't really think anything can be gained by going to shul, and anyway,
he likes to go out on Saturday mornings. Ten years later, he's talking to
an old friend of his and after a long and serious discussion, Morris realises
that he should never have taken a decision to stop attending shul.
So even though he knows how painful it's going to be, he makes an appointment
to see Rabbi Bloom, his rabbi who he's not spoken to since his barmitzvah.
"Rabbi," says Morris, "I'm so, so sorry. I've been a bad Jew. I decided
in error 10 years ago that I would never need to go to shul again.
But I now know that I made a bad decision. It was a mistake. So I want to
tell you that from now onwards, you'll regularly see me in shul."
"My dear Morris," says Rabbi Bloom, "there was no need at all for you
to apologise. These things happen from time to time but, thank God, most
congregants eventually come back into the fold. I'm so glad to hear that
I will see you again in shul. But I must point out to you that going
to shul doesn't make you a Jew any more than going to a poultry farm
makes you a chicken!"

(#2105) Wishful thinking [My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
I am so sure that I will be reincarnated that in my Last Will and Testament,
I have bequeathed everything to myself.

(#2106) Identification pride [My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Nathan leaves his house in London and flies to New York to visit his son
David. As soon as the plane lands and Nathan clears security, there is David
waiting for him. "So how was your journey, dad?" asks David.
Nathan replies, " Do you remember me telling you last week of the giant
Piers Morgan posters that have begun appearing all over the place announcing
that he's been given the CNN chat show?"
"Yes dad," replies David.
"And do you remember me telling you that almost immediately, people began
mistaking me for Piers Morgan?"
"Yes dad, you did," replies David.
"Well," continues Nathan, "you wouldn't guess what happened to me as soon
as I stepped off the plane. An elderly Jewish lady with a large chai
around her neck and wearing thick horn-rimmed glasses comes over to me,
points at my face, and says, 'Excuse me, it's you, isn't it?'"
"Did you tell her she was making a mistake and that you were not Piers
Morgan?" asks David.
"No, I never got the chance," replies Nathan. "Before I could open my
mouth, she points at me again and says, 'It really, really is you, isn't
it? I'm sure it's you. Go on, tell me, it is you isn't it?' I don't
know what made me say it, David, but I replied, 'Yes it is.' And to
be honest, just at that moment, I felt like a million dollars. But
then she gets serious. She looks me in the eyes and says, 'Vhell mister
builder? So vhen are you going to come back and finish off painting the
front of my apartment?'"
chai: a symbol and word that figures prominently in Jewish culture. The
chai symbol is often worn by Jews as a medallion around the neck. In Hebrew,
chai means "life".

(#2107) Baby wishes [My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Harry is in his car with his wife Rebecca and their four noisy and undisciplined
boys. As they pull up at traffic lights, Rebecca happens to glance out of
her window and sees, in the car next to them, a woman breastfeeding her young
baby. Rebecca immediately goes all gooey-eyed and says to Harry, "As soon
as I lose some weight, Harry, I want us to try again for a daughter. Maybe
this time HaShem will give us what we've always wanted."
Harry immediately reaches into the dash, removes an already opened box
of Belgium chocolates, and gives it to Rebecca. "Here, darling," he says,
"we're still some way from home, so why don't you finish off the chocolates?"
HaShem: God; literally 'The Name.' Jews consider that saying the name
of God is blasphemy.

(#2108) Jewish definitions
• Jewish Office: A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth
• Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and woman gains her master degree
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power
is defeated by feminine power

(#2109) Two Ark riddles
Q: Where did Noah put the bees?
A: He kept them in the Ark hives.

Q: Was Noah the first person to leave the Ark?
A: No he wasn’t. He came forth out of the Ark.