Dating Advice #192 - Six Strikes

She suspects he may not be faithful. Are six previous marriages any clue?

I have been experiencing a severe level of jealousy if I see an attractive woman when my fiance is around. I instantly get red in the face and start hurling terrible accusations that he is looking at her. I am terribly embarrassed and worse, I am hurting him and pushing him away from me. The one thing that keeps haunting me is that I truly believe that his eyes rivet onto these women. So I am caught in the dilemma of trust and being smart and not getting hurt by being naive.

Please, is there any way I can know if it is me or if he does have extremely heavy sexual energy towards sexy women? I was previously married for 23 years and have been divorced now for three years. He has been married six times.

He promises me and actually has tears in his eyes that I would accuse him of any such desire for anyone else. I am lost, hurt and want and need change. If you can suggest any action that I can take to help I am willing. Is there something I can do to stop this or find out if it is even true?

Molly

Dear Molly,

You are correct that there are ways for a person to address a character trait, to either strengthen a positive trait or try to change the behaviors associated with a negative one. However, before you try to address how to deal with the jealousy you feel, we'd like you to look at the basis for your feelings.

Most women feel uncomfortable when the man they're with takes a second look at an attractive woman. If he stops very quickly and returns his attention to his wife or fiance, she quickly forgets the minor annoyance she felt. Generally, when the man's wife or fiance reacts with resentment, anger, and accusations, she either has an issue with low self-esteem or trust. It is common for someone who has been through a divorce to feel less self-confident and a little unwary about the "competition."

It is common for someone who has been through a divorce to feel more wary about the "competition."

Lack of trust is another reason why you may be feeling jealous. You may have been betrayed by your former husband or another man in the past, and may be over-reacting to your fiance's innocent glances. You might feel less jealous if you work on building your self-esteem. A self-help book may be helpful to you, or this could be addressed with the help of a therapist.

There is also a chance that your fiance has given you reason to mistrust him. Does he act on his attraction to other women? Did he date other women at a time that you believed the two of you were exclusive? Is he exclusive now? Do you worry that it will be difficult for him to remain monogamous? Did his other marriages end because he was unfaithful? If you answer positively to any of these questions, then your problem is more than one of jealousy -- it is a more fundamental problem with this man.

Frankly, we are wary of anyone who has had a number of marriages that ended in divorce -- and we are assuming that is how most or all of your fiance's marriages ended. We often see people like this engage in the same negative pattern of behavior in each relationship. Each marriage ends rather quickly because they never resolved the issue that led to the end of each of the earlier relationships. What has your fiance done to change his life, his attitudes, and his behavior from the time between the end of his sixth marriage to the time he met you? If he hasn't done anything, we worry about the long-term prospects of your upcoming marriage. He may be a very charming man who simply cannot sustain a relationship very long... or he could be someone who exploits vulnerable women and then goes on to the next one.

What has he done to change his attitudes and behavior?

You deserve a man who has the ability to be a loving and faithful partner in a stable, long-term marriage. We would like you to take the time to think about whether your fiance is such a person. Why don't you spend some time alone and write down your thoughts about your fiance's qualities and your expectations for your life together, both positive and negative. Wait a day or two and then review what you've written. It will give you clarity and help you decide if your fiance has the ability to be the husband you want him to be.

We hope that this really is a good man and that you are right for each other. If he isn't, then it is better to realize it before you marry him. And we certainly hope that if you do get married, while you are planning your wedding you also hire a capable family lawyer and draw up a prenuptial agreement that can protect you and any children from your first marriage. Prenuptial agreements aren't just for protection in case a marriage doesn't work out -- they also can be helpful for a couple that stays married for a long time, but is later faced with debt or other financial issues.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 7

jewish marriage has been sealed with a prenuptial agreement since the avos in the form of a ketuba. it seems to have worked out just fine over the years. :7)

one purpose of the ketuba is to ensure that when a marriage fails, the woman - who throughout jewish history has lived in patriarchical societies and was, thus, economically vulnerable - would not be left destitute while her ex hoarded any assets she brought into the marriage or any assets built through the marriage (i may be wrong on this last bit). a prenup is an english language doc that has a strong tradition in our culture.

(6)
Annie,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

Proceed with caution

I would be very wary of anyone with SIX broken marriages, as nobody can be THAT unlucky. If Molly is in her mid to late 40s (after 23 years of marriage & 3 of singleness-he is likely to be the same, or a little older. That means that if he married at 20 the first time, his marriages can at MOST have lasted 4 years, assuming 6 marriages in 30 years & a bit of time in between.

Can Molly talk to someone who knows him & knew him when he was married before ? This isn't snooping, there is a lot at stake here.

Even if he isn't giving the come-hither to other women-and there is no reason to doubt him on this-it could well be Molly's heart telling her to proceed with caution.

Better to have a broken engagement than a divorce.

I like Anonymous's advice. Go on a long walk-or a weekend away,a kind of retreat, take a notebook and ask yourself the tough questions.

Let us hope that it is lucky number seven-which is, after all, the luckiest number !- and I wish Molly all the best, whatever she decides !!! With love and best wishes from Annie

(5)
Roo,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

If it bothers you now...

Now is the dating period where everything should feel "right" about him. If anything bothers you('sends up a red flag") then follow your gut feelings. And this is when the couple is on their "best behavior" with each other. You are still polite, well-groomed, attentive,etc. Just think- in a few years from now when you let down your guard- he'll really be staring at women(and hopefully not much more). Why don't you track down some of his ex-wives? Any decent private investigator can help you out with this . By the way, have you hired a PI just to check HIM out yet? Check his finances(any bankruptcies or any shady business), check out police record, job history, where he's lived, verify the number of marriages,etc? It's probably worth whatever it would cost. G-d forbid he should withold a Get from you in case you did divorce. Did he legally(and halachically) divorce his ex-wives. Strangers are concerned for you. That should mean something. Roo

(4)
Anonymous,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

this man will break your heart

My advice to you is to run while you still can... this man will break your heart. Trust your intuition on this...if you feel jealousy, it is for a reason. I am sure you are not normally a jealous person...jealousy exists within us when we are insecure...and why would you be insecure in this case? Because your intuition is telling you that something is wrong. When your gut instincts tell you this...listen. Do some research. Talk to friends. If you can not trust this person now, at the height of your initial romance, you will NEVER be able to trust him later. This is not a person who will cherish you, treasure you, support you as you grow old, enable your dreams, or help you become the person you were meant to be. This person is a shackle to your spirit, a drain on your soul. Run!

(3)
Lance,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

Good article, but I disagree with prenuptials

In your article, "Six Strikes" Rosie and Sherry did a great job in focusing the one requesting help on her self-esteem issues and that could be the entire problem. First of all, men are "sight-oriented" beings, created that way by God. All men, from 16-90 look at attractive women, no matter their age, but that doesn't mean that we all would act upon those glances or have lust in our hearts. Indeed, most would not. To look at a member of the opposite sex is as natural as noticing cars passing on the freeway. Most of the time, you never give them a second thought. So, let's not try changing the man from being a man. Frankly, she does not want a man that looks only at other men does she? Does she want a man to walk around with blinders on his head, like a mule? She needs to simply express her feelings on how uncomfortable he makes her feel during these encounters and ask for his honest reply about her feelings. She may be surprised by what she learns from such an honest encounter with him. Secondly, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER enter marriage with a prenuptial agreement. If a "forever, until death do us part" commitment is not centered in both parties character, they should not marry under any circumstances. The trust issues she is dealing with and the eternal commitment toward the covenant of marriage must be achieved BEFORE the marriage ceremony, or this marriage will probably not work. She deserves a relationship with a man of integrity, who will honor the marriage covenant. The prenuptial agreement essestially could be interpreted by the other partner as, "I want to keep everything that is mine IF this marriage does not work," I suggest this kind of relationship is doomed for failure. When the next marriage fails, the partner will think, "well, you never thought it would last anyway, based on your prenuptial agreement, so what's the difference - you got what you expected." My advise is to go to pre-marital counseling and work through all of these issues, communicating your feelings, expectations and doubts in an honest and thoroughly-open exchange before marriage.

(2)
Devorah Mei,
October 30, 2005 12:00 AM

The writting is on the wall!

Good grief! Women don't get jeallous for nothing! Where is smoke,is fire! If this man cannot keep his eyes only on YOU by now, why should you accept to be humiliated, deceived and cheated , nota bene, when you are by his side?
When are women to be coincious that we cannot and will not tolerate such a treatment? I only can imagine what he is capable of doing when he is alone!
The writting is on the wall! Wake up or unhappiness will be your fate. Better alone than deceived! Don't you think you deserve better? No men change, just like that, after six divorces!
Stop being emotionally and psychologically abused.

All the best.

(1)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2005 12:00 AM

Is this a hoax?

Would anyone *really* consider marrying someone who has been divorced six times? Rosie and Sherry are very professional and diplomatic. On the other hand, I am only a common reader, and will talk tachlis: I suggest you take a long walk around the block (or your state), and think about this carefully -- unless you're totally confused, you should see that this man will dump you, too.

It is virtually unconceivable that this man, or any man, could have simply had such a streak of bad luck. Or that such a streak will end with you.

One more thing - Rosie and Sherry did not discuss the possibility that all or most of this man's marriages ended with the death of his wives. G-d forbid this should be true. However, if it is, you have a much bigger problem to worry about!
Good luck. If necessary, get professional help.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...