What Exactly Is Empathy?

Unempathetic moments I’ve witnessed: a woman exiting Starbucks, sipping a giant latte through a straw, who let the door close on me as I tried to push my stroller out behind her. A Facebook post crowing about “yuppies” being relieved of their valuables in a fashionable London neighborhood during the riots there last summer. And my son, waving the Star Wars water bottle, much coveted in our home, in his younger brother’s agonized face, yelling, “Mine!” As someone who can’t watch a violent movie or an outrageous reality show without a pillow to hide behind—so much suffering! so much self-imposed humiliation!—when I see others who don’t seem to empathize, I feel pain.

Then again, empathy comes a little too readily to me. My older brother, Ted, was diagnosed with an immune deficiency disorder when I was 6. At that age, psychologists say, we’re able to empathize—that is, we can see and understand another person’s perspective and feel concern for him. To stay alive, Ted, then 9, had to avoid germs completely, which meant moving into a 10-foot-by-10-foot sterile room in a hospital, where I visited him daily, first weaving past fragile-looking people on IVs. Ted lived there until he died, at 17, and I suspect that my hair-trigger ability to feel others’ pain is one of the uneasy legacies bequeathed to me by his illness.

So what exactly is empathy? Like other human character traits, such as intelligence, there are types, the most important of which are empathetic concern, the ability to feel for what others are going through, and perspective taking, the ability to see something from another person’s point of view. There’s also another aspect to empathy, which involves walking the walk, so to speak, and being motivated to take action when you feel the urge to help someone in need.

True confession: My empathetic impulses tend to be limited to the first two types: feeling concern for others and getting inside their head. That’s been useful in my job as a journalist, when I need to get people to open up. It also helps me interact more compassionately with friends and family and soften up grim-faced salesclerks. Yet except with my nearest and dearest, I don’t act on my empathetic instincts much. When I see heart-wrenching commercials featuring starving orphans, I turn the channel. I do not give money to homeless people on the street. When I read about Darfur, I get it, in an abstract way, but I don’t let myself think about it too hard. Maybe I’m afraid that if I feel too deeply for everyone else, I’ll implode with their suffering.

I’m not the only one with certain deficits in the empathy department. Earlier this year, a much-publicized study from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor revealed that empathy is on the wane, at least among the college set. Researchers there compiled empathy tests given to 14,000 college students over the course of 30 years, who evaluated statements like “I often have tender, concerned feelings for the less fortunate.” Today’s students scored 40 percent lower on the same tests than did their counterparts of 20 and 30 years ago.

The dip has implications for all of us, and not only because people might be more apt to let a door slam in your face. The truth is that empathy makes people happier because it helps life feel more meaningful. Empathetic people are likely to stay married longer. Because they can see things from another person’s point of view, they’re more able to make and keep friends. Empathy also seems to confer physical benefits. There’s a correlation between empathy, or a lack thereof, and immunity, according to Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., cofounder of The Gottman Relationship Institute. “Empathy also fosters deeper social connections, and people with a strong support network tend to live longer,” says Sara Konrath, Ph.D., lead author of the Michigan empathy study and assistant professor at the university’s Institute for Social Research.

Empathy may also help us get ahead in life, in big and little ways. “Empathetic doctors have healthier patients, and students of empathetic teachers do better on tests,” Konrath says. Empathetic CEOs—and, by extension, companies—tend to be more successful because they can think their way into the lives and needs of both their employees and their customers.

How Technology Influences Empathy

Given the bounty of benefits, is it possible to change your EQ, or empathy quotient—the amount of empathy you tend toward naturally—or are you stuck with what you’ve got? The answer, experts say, is a little of both; empathy is a matter of nature and nurture. First, the nature: All human beings are capable of feeling empathy. It’s hardwired into the brain, like the instinct to leap away at the sight of a potentially venomous snake. “Empathy probably emerged in mothers as a necessary survival mechanism to protect their young,” says Frans de Waal, Ph.D., a primatologist and author of The Age of Empathy. It’s what makes us wince when we hear an infant wailing and what propels us to offer comfort when that infant belongs to us.

Unlike animals, however, humans can turn their empathy not only toward their own young but to those outside their circle—to friends, colleagues and the world at large. Witness people who, after hearing news of a natural disaster, jump on a plane to help strangers rebuild. DNA may be partly responsible for such heroic acts—studies suggest the trait has a hereditary component. And about a third of humans have a genetic variation that graces them with more receptors for oxytocin, the feel-good hormone that can promote bonding with loved ones. But empathy is affected by environment, too. If you’re encouraged to be empathetic at a young age (children as young as 2 or 3 show signs of empathy), you’re likely to be better at it as an adult.

My parents urged me to be involved in my brother’s life at the hospital rather than shielding me from it. I lived the ups and downs with him. “Through practice, you can develop the part of the brain that lets you empathize and care for others, much like with a motor skill,” says Bruce Perry, M.D., senior fellow at the ChildTrauma Academy in Houston. “The more you play tennis, the better you get,” he says. “Empathy works the same way.”

Except, as a society, we seem to be getting less empathy practice than we used to—and technology may be to blame. In the Michigan study, the decline in empathy test scores was especially sharp after the year 2000, which is when Friendster, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter came on the scene. To Konrath, that’s no coincidence. “Spending so much time interacting online could certainly change our ability to empathize,” she says. “When you see someone face to face, you get multiple signals—you hear her voice, note the movement of her eyes, take in her posture,” she says. But on Facebook, it’s tough to know how others are really feeling, not least because you rarely see the whole truth. (We’re all familiar with “friends” who use the medium to constantly trumpet how fabulous their life is.) At times, it can seem as if social media is more about creating a perfectly polished image than making a genuine connection. “It’s not that Facebook itself is going to somehow rot our capacity for empathy,” Konrath says. “It’s that it doesn’t require us to use much of it.” So after a while, if you spend more of your hours online, your instinct for reading others falls off. If you don’t use it, you could lose it.

There’s no scientific standard for how much empathy the average person should strive for, but most researchers say that acquiring more is probably a good thing. Empathy is the glue that keeps all relationships humming: Friends who are skilled at understanding each other are less likely to have conflicts and are better at resolving them when they do happen. “When people experience empathy from another person, they open up and talk more, which deepens the connection,” Gottman says. In other words, empathy is a reciprocating strength: What makes friendships last is each person’s ability to empathize with the other.

Becoming more adept at picking up on a spouse’s emotions and intuiting what he is feeling is also worth doing. Case in point: When my husband unconsciously lets out what I think of as his fake laugh, I know he’s irritated about something but trying to hide it. The more accurately couples can read and respond to these kinds of verbal and nonverbal cues, the likelier they are to stay satisfied in their marriage over the long haul. Gottman’s advice on the best way to respond when you sense that something is up: “Ask what’s going on, listen well, and don’t start offering solutions, however tempting.” People want to be listened to and understood, above all. “Immediately giving advice can short-circuit your mate’s effort to express emotion,” she explains.

It’s this “microtending” to emotions that prevents little problems from becoming bigger ones, says Lian Bloch, a psychology researcher at the University of California in Berkeley, who analyzed videos of married couples interacting. “We all want to be fully known by our partner. Empathy helps us do that.”

How Empathy Influences Your Job

Empathy can also make it easier and more rewarding to engage with people who don’t know us (or love us). A few months ago, my husband was waiting in line when he butted elbows with a pushy woman. First, he snapped at her to stop shoving, then he commiserated and finally he wound up buying her coffee. He was pleased with that outcome, and no wonder: Getting along feels better than fighting, and not only when you’re cooling your heels in a queue. If you’re negotiating with someone—whether with your spouse or a colleague—imagining what that person might be feeling can give you an edge. That can translate into career success, too: Thinking like the people you’re trying to serve can help you come up with creative solutions to sticky problems. “It’s easy to forget what things look like from another person’s point of view,” says Dev Patnaik, author of Wired to Care. “It pays to get up occasionally from your desk, get outside and spend time in the real world. Observe what people do, ask questions, and take lots of notes,” he says. You’ll end up with far more information than you would from the average marketing report.

On a more personal level, empathy can also help you when your boss is in a bad mood. If she snipes at you for no reason, instead of catastrophizing (she’s going to fire me!), stop and think about what might be going on for her that week. Is there a deadline looming? “By putting yourself in her shoes—how would you like to be in meetings for six hours straight?—you’ll be able to see the situation more clearly,” Patnaik says. Rather than panicking and avoiding her, which could have a negative impact on your relationship, you’ll have an easier time letting the incident go.

Of course, some bosses are worse than others. Early in my career, I worked at a magazine where I came across someone crying in the bathroom at least once a day. I’ll never forget the afternoon I became one of those people, shortly after I handed in a story that was, admittedly, imperfect. I looked up to see a senior-level editor marching toward my desk, and I could tell from her expression that she was about to reprimand me. Worse, she waved over a cluster of my colleagues to witness my dressing-down.

For the next 10 minutes, she publicly dissected my extravagant failure, oblivious to the fact that my coworkers were not enjoying her performance (possibly because they’d all been publicly chastised themselves). Not surprisingly, most of us had résumés circulating. Also not surprisingly, I wasn’t doing my best work there. “A boss with low empathy makes employees feel threatened, so they’re less productive and creative,” Perry says.

An empathetic boss, on the other hand, is apt to foster an environment where creativity thrives. If she gets her staff’s perspective, she’ll be able to anticipate and solve problems; employees also will feel freer to take risks.

Fortunately, that was the case at my next gig. The office oozed good feeling. We shared ideas and pitched in for each other. The work was satisfying, but it was the relationships that made my days great. Plus, I had a mentor who was happy to sit down and chat if she sensed I was at sea with a story. It’s no coincidence that I blossomed there, as did my writing.

Yet even if you happen to have a boss who lacks the empathetic knack, “it’s possible to shift your office culture toward collaborative rather than competitive,” says Simon Rego, Psy.D., director of psychology training at the Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York. Say a coworker is late to a crucial meeting because she has a sick child. “You can either be critical, or you can offer support and pinch-hit for her, then fill her in later on what she missed,” Rego says. Do the latter, and she’ll get the message that you have her back, which means that when the time comes, she’ll have yours, too.

“When you sense what’s going on around you and can intuit the feelings of others, whether happy or unhappy, that benefits everyone as well as the bottom line,” says Michael Kraus, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the University of California in San Francisco. The trouble is, however empathetic you happen to be, getting promoted can eventually drive the trait right out of you. Research suggests that the higher a person climbs and the longer she stays in power, the less empathetic she becomes. Which raises the question: Are unfeeling people likelier to get promoted because that’s what it takes to get ahead?

Not exactly. The difference between the woman in the corner office and the rest of us is that when you sit at the very top of the totem pole, you get less practice empathizing. If you’re senior, everyone around you tries to intuit your needs and look at things your way. But as the boss, you don’t have to try as hard to do that for others. You get out of practice, which might lead to losing empathy—and ironically, being less effective at your job.

How to Boost Your Empathy

To boost your empathy, you need to hone your aptitude for looking at the world through someone else’s eyes. Surprisingly, reading fiction, especially novels with main characters unlike you, can help you do that. A study at York University in Toronto found that children between ages 4 and 6 who were exposed to more storybooks tended to show more advanced development of empathy skills; reading fiction as an adult can have a beneficial effect, too. Indeed, anything that has a story line, including plays and movies, can bolster your skills. What’s key, Perry says, is that you get lost in the story and it feels real to you.

You also might want to cut down on reality TV (with its unempathetic, narcissistic role models—hello, Snooki), as well as tear yourself away from your smartphone on a regular basis. That’s because empathy starts with your paying attention to what’s going on around you, Kraus says.

One way to do that is by learning to meditate. Research suggests that the practice can make it easier to tune in to others. In a study at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, researchers did brain scans of 16 expert meditators and 16 novices while exposing them to the sound of a baby laughing, restaurant background noise or a woman in distress. When subjects were meditating, the empathy regions of their brain lit up more strongly, and the more advanced the subject’s meditating skills, the more pronounced the neural activity.

If meditating isn’t your thing, Konrath suggests that aiming for at least 20 minutes of people time a day (face-to-face, not on Skype) can help you become more empathetic. “It’s not about getting to the point where you feel you have to donate money or take action every time you hear about an earthquake,” Rego says. (After all, sometimes it seems as if we’re bombarded with this kind of bad news every day.) “But you can use those moments of concern—when you read about news of a natural disaster—to remind yourself to do something good when you can,” he says. “Don’t miss an opportunity to be kind to someone.”

I kept that in mind when I was walking down the street the other day and had an urge to check my BlackBerry, and not for any good reason. (Actually, I’d checked it only a few minutes before.) So I resisted, stayed in the moment and made myself look around. As I did, I saw a woman trying to open the heavy glass door of my local Starbucks while trying to push in her stroller. I scooted over and held it open for her. She looked up, surprise and relief washing over her face. “Happens to me all the time,” I said, nodding at her behemoth of a stroller. Her smile grew broader as she realized that I got what it meant to steer the pedestrian equivalent of an SUV through a relatively small space.

Did my action change the world? No. But it was a moment of niceness shared, for her and for me. I was left with a glow, a sense of living up to the person I wanted to be, the person, I realized, that my brother had helped me become. Maybe, in small ways—holding a door, giving a dollar to someone on the street and even, who knows, in larger ways—I can honor Ted’s memory and keep him with me. You give of yourself, yes, but, in some way, shape or form, I think you always get it back.