Its a world full of Monkeys!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Manchester United show the third way.

Everyone's favourite £700 ($1.1b) million pound in debt, $1.8b (£1.15b) valued club, has shown the footballing world the way of the future. Sign players that don't even have homes.

The football club that arguably led football into the commercial era, by becoming one of the first football clubs to be floated as a PLC, is also leading the football world into a new era of austerity through the £7.4m signing of Portuguese forward Bebe .

Players are signed all the time, what makes this so special? The fact that just 3 years ago Bebe was playing in a tournament for homeless people. In 3 short years he has gone from a life living on the street (Orphanage homes, but that doesn't sound as good) to playing for the biggest club in the world.

The signing may usher in a new era of massive wealth re-distribution where lower level football clubs scout homeless players and then sell them onto premier league clubs for a handsome profit. Not only will this re-distribute wealth between football clubs but also drag literally 1 person off the poverty line. A bold new dawn.

Advice now being given to budding young players is to run away from home and become homeless. This way you will learn the ways of "street" football where playing the wrong pass or missing a shot could lead to the player going hungry or worse being stabbed in the neck whilst being eaten alive by your fellow starving homeless team mates. This survival of the fittest environment ensures the player learns the technical aspects fast and develops at to a level rarely seen at mollycoddled working class kid level. Homeless for a better home in the future (or death).

Premier league clubs are now investing heavily into human tracking devices so they can invest in a player safe in the knowledge that they wont run off with all their small change and silverware the moment the managers look away. More of a problem for clubs like Manchester United than clubs like Liverpool. Other costs involved in the transformation of a homeless player into a football star include the basic education of the player as well as teaching them that they do not need to fight for food in a bin. Newcastle and Leeds united have excellent facilities and experience in teaching "rough round the edges" players these basic life lessons. Many clubs will now tap into this resource, a boon for the newly promoted Premier league and championship teams.

From the above graph it appears the board at Manchester United are astute followers of the economic cycle. First in June 1991 at the end of a recession they became one of the first publicly floated football clubs. To the lay man or chav that doesn't mean they became the first football club to do a shit in public, it means they were the first club to sell shares in it's self. Sell part ownership of the club to the general public to raise funds. Then again in June 2005 they were bought out by reclusive greedy fat man Malcom Glazer through a massive loan of some £660million pounds. The loan has thrown the club into debt and thus the first major club to be thrown into austerity.A truly shrewd piece of business by the man utd board. As you can see the peak of the investment curve, which I have just made up, is the summer of 1999. The time of the treble. From this you could deduce that the next major trophy haul at the club will arrive in 2015 and the club will change ownership in 2020.

No you fucktard, I'm not being serious. I look forward to hearing about my grammatical mistakes.