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Or…

She knew she’d had a seizure the moment she woke back. All the telltale signs were there, the tiny cuts on her tongue and the inside of her cheek where her teeth gnashed and tore at the delicate flesh. The too familiar ache in her back. The wet sheets beneath her. She was embarrassed and she had no idea how long she’d been out of it.

She sat up slowly. Her back so sore…Jared was sitting across the room, in a reading chair, his head in his hands, fingers gripped tightly in his long hair.

“You’re awake” she said.

He looked up at her, dark circles around his eyes, red where the whites should be. He looked at her kindly and whispered “I’ve been up all night.”

“All night?” she asked.

“All night.” he confirmed.

“It was …bad?”

“Yes.” was all he said as he rose from his chair. “This one was real bad. Do you need help getting to the bathroom?”

She looked at the wetness around her and felt the pink settle high on her cheeks and her neck “I think I had an accident in the bed.”

“You did.” he said nonjudgementally. “Can you get up? I’ll strip the bed.”

“No! Don’t do that. I’ve got it.”

“Knock it off.”

She very carefully put both of her feet on the floor and sat at the end of the bed. One hand resting on the sorest part of her back, the other holding her steady.

“Are you mad?”

“Of course I’m not.”

“But you’re …”

“I’m just tired. Here let me help you to the bathroom so we can clean you up and salvage some sleep before the sun comes up.”

She let Jared lead her quietly to the master bathroom where he guided her down in to his soaking tub. He helped her disrobe as she sat on the floor of the tub. The water filled in around her and he tossed her clothes into a laundry basket.

“I’m so sorry this keeps happening.” she said.

Jared kissed her forehead and smoothed back a tendril of wet hair. “You have to go back on your medication.” he stated.

“But – ”

“There’s no but … you don’t see what I see…you have to go back on the medication….or…” he let his voice trail off. They’ve discussed “or” ad nauseam.

He loved her, more than he ever has loved another, but he’s scared of her. Of what her body does when they’re sleeping side by side in the night. What these seizures must be doing to the baby. He’s scared and that’s not an emotion that Jared feels very often. He’s not comfortable with the adrenaline that come with fear. He just wants everything to be ok. Normal. Even mundane. But there’s an elephant in the room….and a tumor in her brain….