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Annie

I knew it was bad when the technician started rubbing my leg. It was my 6th ultrasound in 4 weeks to determine whether my pregnancy was "viable." When Annie, the tech, walked me back and we began, she firmly told me that she would not be able to tell me anything, because that would be practicing medicine without a license. Moments before, as my gynecologist said she wasn't sure if the pregnancy was healthy, I started preparing myself. So I told Annie that was fine, she didn't have to tell me anything, but please do me a favor and if the embryo has died, then please let me see it on the screen so I can have a minute to see it and say a little prayer. As we started, Pete said quietly to me, it's measuring 6 weeks, 1 day. Since it measured 6 weeks, 2 days last week, I knew what that meant. I started to sob. Annie started stroking my leg. She called back to the other tech to ask the doctor to confirm what she was seeing; then she poked her head out and mouthed something, which I'm sure was miscarriage.

Let me back up a few steps. We found out I was pregnant the Monday after we put Mrs. B down. It was a total surprise, but a great one. We were thrilled. A little scared, since I haven't been at my job for a year so we weren't sure my maternity leave would be covered (giant GULP), but overwhelmingly, we were thrilled.

But we couldn't figure out when this had happened. Ahem. We've been careful. Really careful, minus two isolated incidents. Based on my calculations, the embryo should have been 8-9 weeks. But when my first ultrasound only showed a bubble, she said it was more like 5 weeks. The second, a larger bubble. The gynecologist (a new one) said not to worry. She ran bloodwork to reassure me, but the HCG levels showed up a little low. Two days later, they were even lower. I prepared myself for the news from her that I was likely going to miscarry. That was last Friday. Then we went to have an ultrasound and she said she was pretty sure she saw a heartbeat. We were sent to radiology to confirm: a 6 week, 2 day embryo with a steady heartbeat. I relaxed. We went to Florida over the weekend and celebrated the great news. We told the rest of the family. I borrowed some of my cousin's maternity clothes. What I thought was morning sickness started Thursday, and left me choking down saltines and praying not to barf during meetings. I was feeling confident that everything was fine.

After we went to radiology yesterday, we went back to my doctor's office. She stroked the edge of her desk with her nail and just kept saying how sorry she was, that she knows it was a roller coaster for me and she was sorry it ended this way. We talked about the logistics, i.e. what happens next. I chose to have misoprostol inserted to facilitate miscarriage in the next 24-48 hours. The irony was stunning; it's the same drug used to ripen the cervix for labor. She walked me through exactly what would happen. The cramping started almost an hour later. The bleeding started at 2 a.m. I took vicodin for the pain. I think that part is over.