My dad passed away a year or so ago and we had to make the difficultchoice to move my mum into a retirement community.

I went to visit her last week to see how she was getting on, and shetold me that she's started 'seeing someone' who lives there.

I feel as though she's betraying my father, and that I should saysomething, but she's also really happy and I don't want to upset her.

What should I do?

Tim.

I wish you had have asked for my advice before you stuck your mother ina retirement home, Tim, I could have talked you out of it.

You would have been better off buying your mother a shotgun and sendingher into the wilderness to fend for herself.

It's always something in these rest homes.

The staff are stealing from the residents, the residents are stealingfrom each other, the staff are taking pictures of the residents andposting them on 'GeriatricBeavers.com'.

By the sounds of things you may have unwittingly checked your motherinto a 'swingers' retirement home.

What do you think happened to all those orgy going, key party havingsocialites of the seventies?

When their children can't bear being called at 3 a.m. to help them intobed after another 'oiled up Twister mat accident' they stick them in ahome.

The retirement home environment is like Xanadu for the aging swinger.

There's seats in the shower, handrails everywhere, beds all over theplace, and not to mention ready access to 'performance enhancers' likeViagra and Cialis.

I hate to break it to you, but the lonely widow is easy prey for theseasoned swinger, an inviting grin, punctuated by an almost inhumanlythick mustache is all it would have taken to lure your mother in.

Now, to the question at hand, what can you do about this unfortunatesituation?

Sure, you could leave things as they are, but that will only see yourmother slip further and further under the spell of the swingers, thenext thing you know you'll find yourself shopping for a 'hip friendly'sex swing this Christmas.

It's also possible that if you storm in there and tell your mother whatshe's doing is wrong, it may only encourage her to defy you andparticipate even more feverishly in the 5 p.m. 'early bird orgy'.

Your best bet is to have the retirement home closed down, that way youcan move her into one affiliated with a religious organisation with astrict no 'funny business' policy.

Now, closing down a retirement community can be done in a number ofways, but without a doubt the easiest is by fabricating some grossbreach of procedure and then alerting the media.

I recommend photoshopping a picture of retirement home staff pushingresidents in wheelchairs down a long corridor for the purpose of placing bets onwhich one will roll the greatest distance.