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Things You Won't Believe Are Explained In The Bible

Religious arguments are like Aliens vs Predator,regardless of who wins, we still loose. Christians,and the "experts" believe blindly in their leaders, unaware that they haven't even opened a bible,but used its pages for rolling doobies instead.

Just The Facts

The term "Bible" means " Little Books ", an anthology, if you will.

The bible is one of the most ancient and read books in history, trailing very closely to Don Quixote and 50 Shades of Grey.

It is also used in courtrooms, because nobody would ever dare to lie after making an oath, just like a "Pinky Swear ", except even more pointless and stupid.

6 Things You Won't Believe are Explained in the Bible

DISCLAIMER : It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not, you might find interesting the following topic, if not...GO TO HELL !!!!.........If it was a real place,anyway, but read on and you'll find out what the hell ( see what I did there ? ) I'm talking about.

1) Jesus was not ( necessarily ) nailed to a cross :

When someone mentions the word " Crucifixion '', the first thing that comes to mind is " A person nailed to a cross, duh, you fucking idiot, the word itself says it !! '' Well, you would be wrong, not to mention an ignorant, foul-mouthed douche.The New Testament was written mostly in ancient Greek, and has two verbs for crucify: ana-stauro , from stauros, "stake", and apo-tumpanizoor "crucify on a plank." [4] together with anaskolopizo ("impale"). In earlier pre-Roman Greek texts anastauro usually means "impale."And in the bible the greek wordstau ros' is used when referring to the instrument of execution on which Jesus died. Sure, there were many variations of crucifixion,including the (in)famous " T " shaped cross ,but Jesus was treated as a "common criminal ",or more specific, a dirt poor criminal, meaning that the most cost effective way of execution was to nail or impale people to a " I " shaped tree or post, which was also one of the ways it was done at that time. It could have being worse, though, meaning that he could have being impaled anally, and the Romans would have find that cruel and inhumane punishment.

Many, many people have no damn clue where the Garden of Eden was located, and with good reason; it was a very long time ago and Google Maps, nay, Geocites, was just starting to catch on. Except, if you actually read the entire fucking bible ( all 4 of you ), you might have an idea where it was already, so you could go there as soon as possible, just like waiting for the latest I-Phone, except more insane and pointless. Anyway, in the book of Genesis 2:10-14, it mentions four rivers, and despite two of those rivers, The Pishon and The Gihon, apparently no longer exist, the other two are the River Tigris and The Euphrates---- holy shit (no pun intended), those rivers can be found today in......wait for it...Fucking IRAQ!!!!....No wonder USA invaded, now it all makes sense !!!! *

*Ummmm.....still doesn't.

To be fair, other possible candidates include Ethiopia ( Africa ), Elam ( East of Mesopotamia ), and the Persian Gulf. Ironically, it might also be the same place that Babylon once stood, or in Cracked-Speak, Where Babylon was once largely and gloriously erected.

It's more than obvious that when the word " apocalypse " is mentioned, lots of pants get soiled. Zombie, Robot, Ants, Aliens, Alien Ants, Zombie Alien Ants, Wal-Mart, doesn't matter, the very thought just makes almost everybody freeze in terror. But the reality is that Apocalypse comes from the greek word apocalypsis, meaning 'un-covering', a revelation of something hidden, to reveal ( A Revelation To John is arguably the most accurate translation ). But here's the catch : There will be lots, and lots of deaths, war, famine, Seven-Layered Burritos and Double Downs aplenty. But it doesn't mean the world will be destroyed, but rather the Evil Ones and evil itself. Only The Good will remain, things like love, peace, hot, sexy chicks, free blowjobs, bacon and Popeye's Chicken for everybody.

The concept of Hell is not of Christian origin; in fact, Thousands of years before Christianity was born , many cultures and religions held the belief of a place of torment and punishment for our sins. A place of fire, torture, suffering and an endlessly looping playlist featuring Justin "Beaver" Beiber and Barry Manilow while Hitler gets a pineapple shoved up his ass at the top of the hour for all of eternity. But in the Old testament, the word used for hell was Sheol, in Hebrew meaning "grave", "pit", or "abode of the dead", "Utah" and in The New Testament it was the greek word Hades, and has the same meaning "abode of the dead ''. In Genesis 3:19, after Adam and Eve disobeyed God, it doesn't say that they will go to a fiery torment after they die, but instead tells them "By the sweat of your browyou will eat your food until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." And in Ecclesiastes 9:5, it says that For the living know that they will die,but the dead know nothing,they have no further reward,and even their name is forgotten. But how can that be possible, you might ask, since the day that we die, our souls leave the body to the afterlife. Well, about that " soul " thingie......

Don't get us wrong, Jesus still saved our worthless asses by sacrificing his own in the end, and, fun fact, he didn't have to (" Free Will's a Bitch ! '') but that didn't mean he did it blindly, no questions asked. For example, in Matthew 26:39, he prayed to the Lord that "If it is possible, let this cup pass away from me. Yet, not as I will, but as you will.", And when he was finally crucified, in his final moments, in Matthew 27:46 "He called out with a loud voice, saying: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?".

And it makes sense; remember, Jesus was powerful and made countless miracles, but he was also human, his potential for sin was the same as ours, that was the whole purpose of his sacrifice to us. He wasn't like Superman cause that would have made it not just easy for him, but like Superman, he would have been impossible to identify and follow his example, he was more Shazam (Captain marvel ) in Kingdom Come, in the sense that he was a flawed, mortal human, and supes is the total opposite. He was also like John Coffey from The Green Mile, except Jesus didn't touch Tom Hank's junk, as far as we know.