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Monday, 12 June 2017

Two Years - Recap

I’ve been absent from the
blogging world for a long time, and I would like to apologize for it.
The past two years have been stranger than usual. Sudden and
unexpected changes in my life made me want to hide, and it had a
great impact on my will to write. Now, as I feel I might be strong
enough to return to blogging along with being an author, I’d like
to begin by offering an explanation as to what happened.

On
On March 23rd 2015, my husband told me he wanted to end
our relationship. I was given an ultimatum to move out.

I
never saw this coming. In my opinion, we were fine. A bit distant,
yes, but that’s cool for two introverts.

As
it turned out, said husband had rediscovered an old friend more
than six months earlier, fallen in love, and entered a relationship
with her. For some reason, this little fact was never introduced to
me during the process of getting divorced.

At
first, I planned to remain in the little city near where we lived.
All of my friends were there, and it seemed like a safe choice.
Luckily, my uncle, in his soft and steady voice, told me a story of a
couple who got divorced late in life, moved to whole new cities, and
made new lives for themselves, finding true happiness in the process.
That got me thinking, and I made a very hasty decision to move to
Tampere.

It
took me 35 minutes to make the decision, two weeks to find a flat,
and another two weeks to make my way there. The process involved me
packing up my entire life (I ended up throwing out most of my stuff
simply because I didn’t have room for it), dragging most of my
belongings to my sister’s house quite far north simply because my
deadline to get going was soon approaching and I didn’t realize
finding a place to live would happen so fast, and then dragging said
belongings all the way to my new place two weeks later.

Starting
a new life wasn’t as easy as I imagined. I’m not used to fending
for myself all alone. I knew people in the big city, of course, but I
didn’t have any close friends until I got closer to a girl I knew
from an online community. We quickly became BFFs, as
hey-we’re-sixteen as it may sound. And thanks to her, I’m now
feeling strong enough to write again.

She
happened to introduce me to someone. For me, making new friends takes
forever. I’m quiet and reserved, especially around people I think I
might actually like. This one proved no exception to that rule, only
he seemed to understand it. He allowed me time to come out of my
shell, decided he liked me, and, after a while, rescued me from the
tower I lived in.

I’ve
named him Charming due to that fact, and we’ve lived together
almost eight months now.

I’ve
spent most of that time writing about dresses, playing video games,
and healing. I know one should try to mend oneself before getting
into a new relationship, but… well, it isn’t always that easy.

I
haven’t taken the time to heal a broken heart. My ex didn’t
manage to break it because love died long before we parted. I’ve
needed time to acquaint myself to normal life again, to being happy.

I
lived in a really bad relationship for more than eight years. For the
best part of it, I was trapped in the countryside alone. I don’t
know if you realize what that’s like, but for me it felt like a
nightmare.

I
started to wake from it as I moved out, but it’s taken a long time
to become fully aware. Sometimes, it’s still difficult to remember
that the grocery store is just around the corner, there are no
monsters hanging in the corners, and I don’t need to spend my days
in fear.

Fear
is a powerful, crippling thing. If you let it, it will consume
everything in your world. I’m only just now realizing I have
nothing to be afraid of now.

I
know I’ve been away for a long time, and I know I’ve let my
readers and followers down. It may not be possible to return to being
an author, but I will try. After all, stories are made to be told,
and readers will always be there.