Turkeys, Ducks, and Chickens Beware: John Madden Has Retired (Humor)

This Article was Written by Smoking With Hank Co-Creator and Blogger Brenden Monroe

John Madden announced his retirement today. The football, and most importantly video game legend will no longer be bumbling and tele-strating alongside Al Michaels. We here at Smoking With Hank will truly miss him.

However, just like Star Wars, this saga will not end.

During an exclusive interview obtained by SWH, Madden revealed that he will be competing in a special edition of the Food Network’s Iron Chef America. He will be up against celebrity chefs Bobby Flay, Gordon Ramsey, and Emeril Lagasse to see who can make the best Turducken.

The competition will take place in Madden’s bus, which will be parked in Brett Favre’s driveway. Since there is only one oven, the competition will be a fierce one.

Madden had some scouting reports on his competition:

On Ramsey: “Wasn’t Ramsey the name of one of Santa’s Reindeer?”

On Emeril’s controversial win last year: “I still don’t know how that referee changed that call. He was right there, the referee has one responsibility and that’s the quarterback. He’s the guy standing right behind the quarterback. He sees that play and called it a fumble—that was his call on the field. His call—not a back judge, a side judge or an umpire—the referee made the call. Now he’s the same guy that goes and looks at it during a challenge. On the field he made the call a fumble and I didn’t see enough evidence with the pictures to change that from a fumble to an incomplete pass. I know the “tuck rule” and the arm going forward—all that stuff—but I still didn’t think there was enough visual evidence for him to change that.”

On Flay: “With all his tumid boasts, he’s like the sword-fish, who only wears his weapon in his mouth.”

On Favre: “It’s just straight up bromance, dawg.”

Now for my predictions:

Ramsey drops more expletives in an hour than all of the obvious statements made by Madden in his entire broadcasting career.

Madden and Lagasse get into a war of words which just turns into Madden yelling “BOOM!!” and Emeril yelling “BAM!!”

Bobby Flay admits that he is sick of acting like he is better than everyone and retreats to the back of the bus to have a good cry. Ramsey follows him, calling him an “arsehole” and a “bloody bloke."

Madden wins after delivering a bus-clearing bathroom break, which promptly occurs right after testing out his Turducken.