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Author
Topic: HIV+, In Love and Shunned (Read 7845 times)

Hi everyone. I am new here. I was living with my partner for the past 9 months. I found out he was HIV+ for 10 years and didn't tell me or anyone else. I pressed charges against him last month. I'm sure lots of you have seen it on the news already. It was on CNN a night or two ago. I am very sad. I am not sad that I got HIV from him, but for the fact I pressed the charges. I love that man so much, and I know he loves me, but he was scared to tell me the truth in fear I would pack up and leave him. He also didn't tell the others he slept with he had it. The news claims 300 partners because that is what I told police, but they took what they wanted from my words and twisted it into a big story. I still love this man. I probably always will. I was an empty shell before he came into my life. He opened my heart to love. I have never been in a relationship before this one, and don't want to be in another either. I'm sure he's going to get a long prison sentence, and I don't know how I will handle everything.

The detectives promised me they would keep my identity a secret since I was a victim. They were blurring out everything that would lead people to know the victim was me. After a week of heavy thinking, I went and signed papers to drop my charges. I told them I couldn't let my charge be the charge to send him to prison when I can't be for sure I got HIV from him. While we were together I was with 7-10 other guys (with my partner of course, except for one). None of them used condoms. 3 of those guys I don't even know the names of. I could have gotten it from anyone honestly, and I couldn't have the fact of not knowing for certain weighing on me. They seemed really pissed when I went and dropped the charges. They said even though I was dropping mine, the state had picked it up and would go forward with it. Now that class a felony has since been dropped to 21 class b felonies of sleeping with people and not telling them, even though 2-3 others pressed charges I believe. One of them is lying, and it can easy be proven by looking at his Facebook comments.

the worse part is the detectives said my identity would be kept from the public... that was until they got pissed I dropped charges, and they sent out reports to local and far away papers with my address and best friend's address (where we use to live). Once the address was made public I've been harassed so much. People driving by screaming stuff... worse is people who knew where I lived then knew it was me... now I'm being shunned by nearly everyone in town. I ended up packing my stuff and moving in with my parents in another town, not far enough away though, just to try and escape this. The last day I was in town, I made it out just in time before the news trucks showed up where I was living randomly interviewing people about "The guys with the AIDS".

Various news stations are reporting wrong and false information. Some claim he INFECTED 300+, which is not true. Of all the people to come forward and be tested, I am the only one infected. Some are saying he used this as a weapon for terrorism. I am trying so hard, but it feels like I'm fighting a lost cause, but I can't give up.

You are doing the right thing by speaking out about this and I commend you for it . I hope you tell your story to the media so they will know that you engaged in unprotected sex in the past and are not a victim . I was saddened to see the breaking story and I have filed a complaint with CNN after seeing Erin Burnett's coverage and her unfortunate reaction and statements about the case .

Hello and welcome to the forums. A part of me understands your anger that he kept his status from you for ten years. However, you also tell us that you had unsafe sex with other men and apparently voluntarily. The damage to your partner has already been done. I don't know how you can fix it apart from maybe taking the advice of Jeff and going public to admit it was also your responsibility to protect yourself and telling them what you have told us? I wish you luck in dealing with this. K

Hi everyone. I am new here. I was living with my partner for the past 9 months. I found out he was HIV+ for 10 years and didn't tell me or anyone else. I pressed charges against him last month. I'm sure lots of you have seen it on the news already. It was on CNN a night or two ago. I am very sad. I am not sad that I got HIV from him, but for the fact I pressed the charges. I love that man so much, and I know he loves me, but he was scared to tell me the truth in fear I would pack up and leave him. He also didn't tell the others he slept with he had it. The news claims 300 partners because that is what I told police, but they took what they wanted from my words and twisted it into a big story. I still love this man. I probably always will. I was an empty shell before he came into my life. He opened my heart to love. I have never been in a relationship before this one, and don't want to be in another either. I'm sure he's going to get a long prison sentence, and I don't know how I will handle everything.

The detectives promised me they would keep my identity a secret since I was a victim. They were blurring out everything that would lead people to know the victim was me. After a week of heavy thinking, I went and signed papers to drop my charges. I told them I couldn't let my charge be the charge to send him to prison when I can't be for sure I got HIV from him. While we were together I was with 7-10 other guys (with my partner of course, except for one). None of them used condoms. 3 of those guys I don't even know the names of. I could have gotten it from anyone honestly, and I couldn't have the fact of not knowing for certain weighing on me. They seemed really pissed when I went and dropped the charges. They said even though I was dropping mine, the state had picked it up and would go forward with it. Now that class a felony has since been dropped to 21 class b felonies of sleeping with people and not telling them, even though 2-3 others pressed charges I believe. One of them is lying, and it can easy be proven by looking at his Facebook comments.

the worse part is the detectives said my identity would be kept from the public... that was until they got pissed I dropped charges, and they sent out reports to local and far away papers with my address and best friend's address (where we use to live). Once the address was made public I've been harassed so much. People driving by screaming stuff... worse is people who knew where I lived then knew it was me... now I'm being shunned by nearly everyone in town. I ended up packing my stuff and moving in with my parents in another town, not far enough away though, just to try and escape this. The last day I was in town, I made it out just in time before the news trucks showed up where I was living randomly interviewing people about "The guys with the AIDS".

Various news stations are reporting wrong and false information. Some claim he INFECTED 300+, which is not true. Of all the people to come forward and be tested, I am the only one infected. Some are saying he used this as a weapon for terrorism. I am trying so hard, but it feels like I'm fighting a lost cause, but I can't give up.

I just wanted to add that there is a wealth of support an information here for you as you adjust to living with HIV .

So, you're saying CNN reported it incorrectly, when they said he told investigators he had been with around 300 partners, since 2003? You're saying that came from you, and they incorrectly reported it that he told investigators that? Unless he told investigators that number was pretty accurate, then that is troubling. If police said he said it when he didn't, then that is very troubling. If CNN falsely reported it that way, then that is equally troubling.

Did you make up that figure? He didn't tell you he was poz, but did tell you he had been with 300? What prompted you to go to police? You said you love this man dearly, and that you could have been infected from any number of guys. Was it the anger he never told you, and you were in a rage?

You are doing the right thing by speaking out about this and I commend you for it . I hope you tell your story to the media so they will know that you engaged in unprotected sex in the past and are not a victim . I was saddened to see the breaking story and I have filed a complaint with CNN after seeing Erin Burnett's coverage and her unfortunate reaction and statements about the case .

I wish you well .

Erin Burnett's segment is the one that disgusted me the most. She is clueless.

Hello and welcome to the forums. A part of me understands your anger that he kept his status from you for ten years. However, you also tell us that you had unsafe sex with other men and apparently voluntarily. The damage to your partner has already been done. I don't know how you can fix it apart from maybe taking the advice of Jeff and going public to admit it was also your responsibility to protect yourself and telling them what you have told us? I wish you luck in dealing with this. K

Yes, I told the police I never used protection with any of the men. They don't seem to care. My partner is the only one that was put on the spot and admitted to having HIV, no one else that has it is coming forward. I feel as though they are trying to stick it to him on purpose. We have a new prosecutor, and during election time he made comments that the former prosecutor didn't do much with sex crimes, and he is trying to make a big name for himself.

So, you're saying CNN reported it incorrectly, when they said he told investigators he had been with around 300 partners, since 2003? You're saying that came from you, and they incorrectly reported it that he told investigators that? Unless he told investigators that number was pretty accurate, then that is troubling. If police said he said it when he didn't, then that is very troubling. If CNN falsely reported it that way, then that is equally troubling.

Did you make up that figure? He didn't tell you he was poz, but did tell you he had been with 300? What prompted you to go to police? You said you love this man dearly, and that you could have been infected from any number of guys. Was it the anger he never told you, and you were in a rage?

During a fight before I went to police he told me he had been with 300 men before, I believe to try and make me jealous. I seen him trying to hook up online with another guy that day, and didn't mention he was HIV+ so I went to police to stop it since he wasn't going to tell this person. They asked if I knew how many guys he had been with and I told them 300, but that it was said during a fight. I doubt it's accurate. CNN didn't report anything wrong except his name. Other media sites are claiming he infected 300+ with HIV, which as of now is untrue as I'm the only one to be with him and end up getting HIV, but like I said I could have got it from someone else, and I told them that.

And yes, I think the anger of him keeping it from me hurt me the most and pushed me overboard. In March-April I got sick for 3 weeks. I couldn't get out of bed at all until I was put into the hospital. His ex-roommate called me at the end of May and told me he had HIV and she knew since he moved in with her in 2011. I asked him and he denied it. I got tested, had it and made him get tested, and he had it. I constantly was running names through my head with him one night wondering who all I could have got it from, and he was like "You have it, I have it, I probably gave it to you", but could that have been some sort of comfort to try and get me to stop obsessing over it?

I'm still on speaking terms with him. He calls from jail all the time. I went and seen him today. He said he doesn't blame me, because he admits he slept with people without telling them he had HIV, which here is a class b felony, but said there was no where near 300, that he only agree with the cops when they asked him so it wouldn't make me look like a liar to them... I don't know...

Thank you for coming forward, and thank you over and over for the amazing illustration of the futility and the abject idiocy that is HIV criminalization. You have done a brave thing coming forward, and I certainly hope this works out well for everyone involved.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

First of all, sorry about your diagnosis. Glad you found your way here.

With access to modern meds your experience with this virus will, in all likelihood, be uneventful.

However, you created the shit storm that you now find yourself in the middle of. It's your moral and ethical responsibility to do everything possible to mitigate the damage that you have created.

Coming here is a very small first step. Why are you hiding from the news cameras when that can be a great avenue to correct the misinformation that is out there about your story and to a lesser extent HIV criminalization?

Lawmakers and district attorneys get all the blame for the horrors of HIV criminalization, but the laws would have no effect without "victims" like you.

What's your plan of action, if any, for making this right?

I think you have been shown a great deal of sympathy by some of the more senior members here, and I commend them for that, but I'm having a hard time concealing my distain for your actions - so I'll say no more.

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"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

I don't understand why police officers respond so negatively when someone decides to drop charges. It's almost as if they take is a personal slight.

Several years ago I decided to drop charges against someone who stole something fairly insignificant from me (value - $200). A few days later I ran into the police officer who took my report at a gas station and he angrily DEMANDED to know why I had dropped the charges.

The OP has admitted making a mistake and from what he shared so far was an honest account of decisions made in the heat of the moment . He admitted he acted on emotion in a very stressful time in his life and has said nothing so far that warrants anything but compassionate responses .

We do not tell people what they can write on the forum but this particular thread has the potential for valuable lessons and discussion about issues we all face with HIV .

I'm asking that we take extra care in this thread to insure we have a civil compassionate discussion .

Our criminal justice system is over worked with limited resources. There are many reasons for that. When we talk about a criminal law that is when there has been a violation against the state and the people. So in a criminal case it does not matter what the victim say about dropping charges. It becomes a crime against the state. I not going to debate what is and what is not the responsibility of an HIV person, however in the eye of society and the criminal justice system this type of case could cause great harm to society. This why the state is taking this so serious.

In my opinion it sounds like there were some bad judgment on several parties parts here. I do have to echo what another poster said here:

"you created the shit storm that you now find yourself in the middle of. It's your moral and ethical responsibility to do everything possible to mitigate the damage that you have created."

I do quite understand the fact you were PISSED ! You had every right to be . I'm with Jeff on this one , Go to the media and get your face in their faces ! Unfortunately temper gets the best of us at times . I really hope you find the courage to step up and help the man you say you love . We all know the " NEWS " like to make big drama stories , but dropping the charges against him sounds like a good move to me .

I hope it all works out ,

Weasel

P.S. : As others stated HIV today is not what it was 30 years ago , you will be fine !

A couple of us were making a point, in these multiple threads on your story, to explain to all the readers that drawing conconclusions from a few reports, with scant details, wasn't a good idea.

Many many thanks for you coming into this forum for just the sake of putting a lot more context out there! Fabulous!

I hope you find a good support community here, going forward, as well....

Eventually when you are calmer you might want to discuss why you went unprotected with unknown people. Your call if that is interesting...

One piece of info that wasn't given to us in the public, via this reports, is whether your bf was on HAART and/or undetectable through any of this time... Answers to that might help you deepen the questions you and he ask yourselves about why the disclosure didn't happen...

Now we can see the witch hunts that these sensationalist new stories and local criminal cases can be, sometimes....

Anyhoo, back to just you, and your dealing with a diagnosis. How are you doing?? Have you seen an ID yet? Any numbers...? How is your mind and body doing.

Sending my best....

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Welcome to the forum, wow a lot to digest, I do hope you find this forum to be a refuge for you as it has for many others.

May I recommend in regards to going to the media/press that you find someone to first represent you, in matters such as these they can assist and guide you in getting the truth out. On your own with less experience you are prey to have your words futher twisted, as you state has happen with the police etc.

I hope you can get in touch with me, at sean.strub@gmail.com, as I would appreciate the chance to talk with you about how you might be able to help both your friend as well as raise awareness about criminalization and help mobilize support for reform.

I am ashamed to admit that I watched this interview with trepidation. Its starts off OK and Sean Strub makes important points and then the "counterpoint" guy starts and he says some really hateful things and ignorant things, all the worst because it seems tangential or not even related, and strub tries to explain, but no, in fact its just like i said in the other thread. Gay "lifestyle" is so revolting and HIV is just another convenient rationale to dump hatred, contempt and moral judgement. What the guy says is melting my ears, and i felt panicy and I hit pause. I couldn't even digest what he was saying my blood started to boil. I'll have another try after I take a benzo later on.

Sean Strub, you're amazing to be able to deal with this subject and people lke that.

« Last Edit: September 11, 2013, 02:27:13 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I am ashamed to admit that I watched this interview with trepidation. Its starts off OK and Sean Strub makes important points and then the "counterpoint" guy starts and he says some really hateful things and ignorant things, all the worst because it seems tangential or not even related, and strub tries to explain, but no, in fact its just like i said in the other thread. Gay "lifestyle" is so revolting and HIV is just another convenient rationale to dump hatred, contempt and moral judgement. What the guy says is melting my ears, and i felt panicy and I hit pause. I couldn't even digest what he was saying my blood started to boil. I'll have another try after I take a benzo later on.

Sean Strub, you're amazing to be able to deal with this subject and people lke that.

What I find interesting is that the "counterpoint" guy goes onto to talk about the personal responsibility of the partner who is going to have unsafe sex (in a park). He seemed incapable of connecting this point with the other -- if both parties have personal responsibility, why is one incarcerated and the other being called a "victim". I suppose there is a good sign here, in that someone who seems to favor criminalization sees that BOTH parties have responsibility -- I've not heard that before. Unfortunately, it hasn't changed his mind about having an "HIV specific statute". Funny how he never addresses Erin's question on why prosecute HIV but not HPV (and the potentially subsequent cervical cancer).

you may want to reconsider how much information you release that can make your id known. this was a very controversial piece and im sure the media has fanned the flames. i am sorry to hear about what has happened to you.

10 years poz and unprotected sex...sounds like a guy with major issues and little respect for others. i find it hard to believe that he exposed that many people but some people have active viral loads for longer periods of time i suppose. my vl is undetectable and i dunno, there are more questions than facts and i guess he will have to do his time for having consensual sex with other people.

i know it is wrong what he did and the entire situation is fucked. im really conflicted on this one and i dont understand how incarceration will make anything better. what is appropriate punishment? should all of the people that infected us be punished as well?

What I find interesting is that the "counterpoint" guy goes onto to talk about the personal responsibility of the partner who is going to have unsafe sex (in a park). He seemed incapable of connecting this point with the other -- if both parties have personal responsibility, why is one incarcerated and the other being called a "victim".

I've made this comparison before. If the act of unprotected sex is criminal then everyone involved is a co-conspirator. Ignorance is no excuse.

I don't remember any of these reports having any proof that the HIV+ guy under arrest had "UNSAFE SEX" in any park. People keep going along with the stupid lack of detail in these reports. It is possible the person had intercourse with condoms, which is still considered "exposure" under a stupid law... Or that the person had oral sex. Which is not a risk for transmission. But is still considered "exposure".So would everyone keep in mind that the law is dumb and that its against some of these laws if the sex is SAFESEX and there is no risk of transmission, and no transmission (obviously). Its against some of these laws to not disclose. End.

Second, lets put aside the park. Or the one-offs the man in prision is accused of. If you read what the OP said, there was also group sex and everyone was doing it unprotected. And nobody for the moment is clear on who has HIV, who doesn't, when each person got it, and how it got passed between any participants, or not.

I was a juror on a murder trial in Brooklyn. The guy who was accused was one of MANY people confirmed to be at the scene. They all had guns, they all fired, they all disappeared except this one the police caught. They all were criminals in drug gangs, according to the testimony. Many had aliases. What was clear to us jurors was that the prosecution made NO convincing case the right man was being accused so we acquitted.... Didn't make him a good guy. Its called presumption of innocence.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I just got back from a two month Hiatus from Missouri , Bob saves all pertinent new articles for me ! Bob shows me a full page article in our LOCAL paper , and what do I see ? THIS !

The GUY lives with in miles of the BIGGEST TRUCK STOP ON I-55 Interstate Missouri , It is a be hive of sexual activities ! I do not understand how the O.P. wants any kind pity form anyone Open the door to Hell and what do you expect ! MISSOURI HAS ONE OF THE WORST LAWS FOR HIV/AIDS PEOPLES ! THEY HAD NO CHOICE WHEN THE LAWS WERE PASSED , HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE BEING INFECTED BY WHORES No other means of stopped the spread was or is available ! Crying Alligator tears are of no use ! The O.P. knew what he was doing , Sadly his partner was more than likely brought to Missouri threw a Craig's list add. The whole situation is fucked ! Weasel

P.s. Ann Dear , A whore is a Man or a woman that fucks like a Bunny ! Please do not pounce on me for this one

I just got back from a two month Hiatus from Missouri , Bob saves all pertinent new articles for me ! Bob shows me a full page article in our LOCAL paper , and what do I see ? THIS !

The GUY lives with in miles of the BIGGEST TRUCK STOP ON I-55 Interstate Missouri , It is a be hive of sexual activities ! I do not understand how the O.P. wants any kind pity form anyone Open the door to Hell and what do you expect ! MISSOURI HAS ONE OF THE WORST LAWS FOR HIV/AIDS PEOPLES ! THEY HAD NO CHOICE WHEN THE LAWS WERE PASSED , HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE BEING INFECTED BY WHORES No other means of stopped the spread was or is available ! Crying Alligator tears are of no use ! The O.P. knew what he was doing , Sadly his partner was more than likely brought to Missouri threw a Craig's list add. The whole situation is fucked ! Weasel

P.s. Ann Dear , A whore is a Man or a woman that fucks like a Bunny ! Please do not pounce on me for this one

Carl , I'm not going to begin to try and pick through all the assumptions and inaccuracy's in your post here but its not this first time you have done something like this . I'm going to issue you a warning , this is flambaiting on your part and will not be tolerated anymore .

MISSOURI HAS ONE OF THE WORST LAWS FOR HIV/AIDS PEOPLES ! THEY HAD NO CHOICE WHEN THE LAWS WERE PASSED , HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE BEING INFECTED BY WHORES No other means of stopped the spread was or is available !

There are public health experts who argue that HIV criminalisation laws do NOT stop the spread of HIV. Furthermore, HIV is singled out.

Furthermore, some such laws can put HIV+ people behind bars for non-risk activites, such as safe sex, with no transmission.. And for non sexual acts. Such as spitting... Etc.

Finally, the "non disclosure laws" included are applied where there is NO risk of transmission and in fact NO transmission..

I don't know why you have your panties in a bunch over this truck stop but your thinking on HIV criminalisation isn't helping anyone....

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx