Friday, July 01, 2011

Be a traveler. Go to any airport in this country, and you'll immediately understand what it feels like to be the suspect of a crime. Buy a plane ticket and reserve yourself a place in line to be shook down.

TSA makes grandma fly with no underwear (explicit satire)

(NaturalNews) Remember the story about Jean Weber, the 95-year-old leukemia patient in a wheelchair who had her adult diaper removed by the TSA as part of their "security screening?" (http://www.naturalnews.com/032827_T...) Today, the TSA declared "We did NOT remove her diaper!" Instead, the TSA claims this 95-year-old woman "willfully surrendered it" in much the same way that people "willfully surrender" all the items the TSA confiscates from them and then sells for a profit (http://www.naturalnews.com/032757_T...). In other words, they forced the woman to remove her own diaper as a condition of her boarding an airplane. It probably went something like this: Grandma traveler: "I'm wearing a set of slightly soiled adult diapers. May I still pass through security?" TSA agent: "Depends." Grandma traveler: "Yes, Depends." TSA agent: (Scowling) "Are you mocking me?" Grandma traveler: (Pausing...) "Depends." (If you don't get the joke, "Depends" is the brand name of a popular adult diaper.)

Look, ma! No underwear!

Beyond the fact that they forced this woman to remove her adult diaper as a condition to travel -- an idea so bizarre and outlandish that it should generate a reaction of disgust from anyone with common sense -- they also forced her to fly with no underwear! This is being reported by CNN, which says, "Weber said her mother, a nurse for 65 years, 'was very calm' despite being bothered by the fact that she went on to complete her journey without underwear." (http://www.cnn.com/2011/TRAVEL/06/2...) Now, if Britney Spears travels on an airplane with no underwear, that's worldwide tabloid news. But when grandma flies with no underwear, that gives most people pause. Did they at least give her a first class seat so she could lay back and enjoy the flight? No. They stuck her in coach with all the rest of us grunts who, even though we may fly in flip-flops and tank tops, we still manage to put on a fresh pair of undies before heading to the airport. "For God's sakes, Bobby, have mercy on the other passengers!"

Uh, oh. Urine trouble with the TSA

Until today, I wasn't even aware the TSA would let you fly butt-naked. This brings up some questions and curiosities. For example, what happens if you show up dressed as a sumo wrestler? Do they confiscate that giant crotch cloth and just let you fly in your birthday suit? "There's a naked sumo in 12B!" Or what if you just enjoy wearing adult diapers because it provides a little extra cushioning compared to those hard-ass airline seats you get on the smaller local flights? Diapers are like wearable cushions, if you think about it. Will the TSA confiscate those and leave you suffering from Achy Butt Syndrome during your entire four-hour flight? If you are wearing an adult diaper and you get selected for an enhanced pat-down, is it okay to just urinate during the pat-down procedure? After all, a diaper is sort of like a portable restroom. If they reach down your pants, just pee all over their hands. Believe it or not, there is nothing in the TSA regulations that prohibits you from wearing an adult diaper and urinating during a pat-down. That's probably because nobody thought of this until just now, and I have a twisted imagination of bizarre ways to rebel against false authority. But what better way to send a proper message to the TSA than to just pee on them? Or unload a number two right there in the pat-down zone. Why not? They're crapping all over your Fourth Amendment rights. You might as well return the favor. It would take an amazing feat of concentration to pull this off, but if you could YouTube the video, you'd be an instant folk hero and earn a permanent place in American pop culture history. Your slogan could be, "When the TSA gave me sh*t, I gave some back."

That diaper had a purpose, remember?

That we even have to resort to this level of explicit satire is a reminder of how insane the whole situation has become with the TSA. They're reaching down your pants? Really? Yep. And they're making grandma fly with no underwear, without her adult diaper, too. But wait a second... If you think about it, the whole reason grandma wears that adult diaper is because she pees unexpectedly, such as during moments of extreme excitement. And that means your seat cushion is but one air turbulence event away from being used as much more than merely a flotation device. It can also function as a substitute adult diaper thanks to the miracle of modern aircraft materials (and the TSA taking away the woman's original diaper). Remember that the next time you take a seat on an airplane. The TSA, you see, hasn't done anything to eliminate the threat of terrorism during air travel, but they have introduced a brand new game for the rest of us to play, called "Guess which seat is now a giant pee sponge?" They've also succeeded in destroying human dignity and even harming the entire U.S. tourism economy by making sure tourists avoid traveling by air in the USA. After all, who wants to voluntarily subject themselves to being treated like an animal, humiliated over an adult diaper and then forced to fly with no underwear? Ask any senior citizen in Europe whether they want to risk touring in the USA anymore. They'll give you the same answer: "Depends..."