open your eyes

In the style of our crack government administration, I offer you TheChicken Advisory System. Why? Because I’ve visited a bunch of places where chickens wander around wild, exhibiting all of the habits people find charming about pigeons—oh, plus noise—and I wanted to give you a heads-up about them so you’d know what to expect. Now, don’t let a Red rating deter you from visiting. Just treat it like a feathery terrorism threat: keep your eyes open and your aquasocks on.

Severe: The cock-a-doodle-doodliest. Bring earplugs.

High: Intermittent noise + little presents in the sand.

Elevated: A wandering noisy chicken with a chip on its shoulder.

Guarded: They’re there, but they’re generally blowing you off.

Low: Eerily quiet. Order the steak tonight.

South Pacific:

Moorea’s Club Bali Hai

Raiatea’s Sunset Beach Hotel

Bora Bora’s Novotel Beach Resort

Hawaii:

I’m happy to report low incidence of noisy poultry at both of the hotels where I stayed on Kauai and Maui—a first!