BQ-06: Hippity-Hoppity vs. Zip-Zop-Zoobity-Bop

The adventurers decide to take advantage of the fact that they are literally in a noble PC's hometown. They trade wares, examine their inventory, and somehow don't piss anyone off. Zanzibar uses his magician powers to find out what kind of weirdo voodoo loot the party has obtained. He deduces that the PC's possess the following nonsense:

Ring of Feather Falling: McSneakle found it looting in the bullywug castle. It slows the wearer down when falling to prevent fall damage.

Chaos Candle of Guga: Quest reward for Uul'valaar. It weakens the barrier between the realms, allowing whoever burns it to speak with a deity. Can burn for 10 minutes.

Seed of the Gulthias Tree: Quest reward for 🌱. Taken from the fruit of a Gulthias Tree. Can be planted to grow a Gulthias Tree, which sprouts one fruit in the summer and winter. The summer fruit is beneficial. The winter fruit is poison.

🌱 then asks if he can grow the seed in McSneakle's bag of holding since it's already full of McSneakle's icky doodoo manure. Zanzibar intervenes and gives 🌱 a terracotta pot to keep the seed in, which 🌱 then holds high above his head so that the seed is closer to the sun.

McSneakle goes out to sell their wares, parting with the cut ruby and several other gems. He barters the ship's stock of iron ore in exchange for some better armor and a horn of fog, which casts a misty cloud that obscures vision when used, like a vaping asshole.

Uul'valaar prays to Tyr, then learns that there are quests to be had, but he is not ready yet. He must prove himself before the quest is lain out before him! He learns from Zanzibar that the captain of the guard is a dwarf woman named Odah, so he finds her office on the sentry wall and tells her that he is an accomplished member of his hometown's city watch in search of villainy to kick in the nards.

Odah immediately realizes he is a paladin, which is probably because he's decked out in an abundance of Tyr Gear™, such as a styling suit of armor and a shield with the scales of JUSTICE! emblazoned on them.

Odah has a problem: a preteen half-elf girl, Elisin, has been assaulted and robbed on the streets, but she doesn't want to speak to the city watch about it. Since Uul'valaar is a paladin, Odah believes the girl may open up to him. Uul'valaar asks to speak with the child alone since seeing "cops" might discourage her from speaking. He finds her on a bench near one of the outposts, and she immediately asks him if he is a knight.

Uul'valaar says he is a knight because look at that fancy shield! The girl opens up to him, saying that earlier she was paid 25 gold pieces to deliver a strange note to Lady Akunai, a well-off guild merchant who deals in silks and textiles. While delivering the message, a "half-breed like us, but with sharp teeth" attacked her near a tavern, Candlekeep Cove. The attacker stole her letter and fled. All Elisin remembered about the attacker was that he had a big hat, sharp teeth, and the symbol of a snake on the bottom of his boot. The only witness was Brindle, a lizardfolk crook who was sitting on the porch of Candlekeepe Cove. He laughed at her when she was attacked.

Uul'valaar says he is a knight because look at that fancy shield! The girl opens up to him, saying that earlier she was paid 25 gold pieces to deliver a strange note to Lady Akunai, a well-off guild merchant who deals in silks and textiles. While delivering the message, a "half-breed like us, but with sharp teeth" attacked her near a tavern, Candlekeep Cove. The attacker stole her letter and fled. All Elisin remembered was that the attacker had a big hat, sharp teeth, and the symbol of a snake on the bottom of his boot. The only witness was Brindle, a lizardfolk crook who was sitting on the porch of Candlekeepe Cove. He laughed at her when she was attacked.

Hearing the girl's story, Uul'valaar promises that he will bring swift JUSTICE to the evildoer. Elisin immediately hugs him and goes home. Uul'valaar feels like this must be his task to prove he is worth of the great quest!

The party regroups at the Manzibar's house, and Uul'valaar tells Zanzibar about the issue. Zanzibar knows about Lady Akunai, stating that she's kind of a cunt who did not vote for Zanzibar's father when he ran for office. Zanzibar also knows that the symbol of the snake on the bandit's shoe represents a gang, the Heel of the Snake, which gets involved in petty crime.

While this is going on, McSneakle feels the weight of his inevitable demise from this mortal world creep in on him, as though the thread of his life will soon run out, having him succumb to the blood disease that has plagued his family for generations. McSneakle asks Uul'valaar if the paladin can cure his blood disease, but Uul'valaar is not strong enough and probably doesn't want to touch him anyways.

So McSneakle goes to Botha, the witchy lady who gave them their quest rewards. "Ah yes, the bag-shitter is here," Botha greets him. She makes a deal with McSneakle: she'll find a cure for his blood disease in exchange for Minion. McSneakle, having never heard of the Emancipation Proclamation, agrees! She takes a blood sample from him and sends him on his way while she begins her research.

The party heads off to Candlekeep Cove to find the lizardfolk who witnessed the attack on Elisin. They agree that since Uul'valaar is a spokesman for JUSTICE and since Zanzibar is the son of the local politician, the two of them will stay outside. McSneakle, 🌱, and Minion are the "morally wishy-washy" ones from the party, perfect for blending in at a skulking thieves' den. While venturing into the southern half of Kinchasa, the party easily sees a difference compared the the northern side. The northern side is bristling with commerce, but the southern side is more rundown and "salt of the earth."

While scoping the Candlekeep Cove tavern, McSneakle notices a few insignias worked into the sign of the tavern that mark it as gang territory. One of the signs is the Heel of the Snake. But judging by the other multiple gang tags, McSneakle concludes that Candlekeep Cove is a "neutral ground" where gangs meet up to discuss business.

🌱 enters first, steps up to the bar, and orders a snakebite. He sits idly, setting his potted plant on the bar. The other patrons inside eyeball him, but he's just weird enough to fit into that "well of course he's coming to this bar" category. McSneakle and Minion enter as well, and McSneakle slams a silver piece down, demanding a drink from the bartender. He asks the bartender about the Heel of the Snake, so she shouts across the bar, "Hey Brindle, this one's for you!"

Brindle approaches. He is a lizardfolk wearing a wide-brimmed hat, and he sports a grin with several sharp teeth capped in gold. He and McSneakle exchange pleasantries, with McSneakle catching onto Brindle's thieves' cant so well that Brindle might as well be speaking thieves' can. McSneakle makes the scaly bastard an offer: McSneakle needs someone who can act underneath the prying eye of the Manzibar. Brindle agrees, and they decide to meet back up in an hour near "the sewer grate in the northwest side of this district."

The party regroups, and McSneakle and 🌱 instantly try concocting another plan involving tying Zanzibar up and pretending he is imprisoned. Zanzibar and Uul'valaar are still against this idea. Minion has an opinion but he's not allowed to have them. At one point, McSneakle calculates hiding Zanzibar in his bag of holding, but Zanzibar ain't about to get in no shit bag. Eventually, Zanzibar agrees to be "pretend-roughed-up" and "pretend-tied-up" when they meet Brindle.

The party sets off to meet Brindle near the sewer grate, and they meet him, but he's dead! Uh oh! The sewer grate is thrown open, and Brindle has several bites in his body that are oozing with poison. 🌱 finds out that the bites are spider bites, but from a massive spider, not no little bitch-boy spider. Uul'valaar decides to go into the sewer and figure out what kind of bullshit is getting bullshitted around here.

The party explores the sewer and finds giant spider webs everywhere. Uul'valaar begins to burn them away and finds a pathway in the sewer that is oddly clean and free of dirt. They creep down the path, eventually coming across a suspiciously suspicious treasure chest that is just sitting there dammit!

Expecting a trap of the most bullshit degree, Uul'valaar stands back and pokes at the treasure chest with his javelin, suddenly realizing that a gelatinous cube is precariously placed over the treasure chest and it ain't happy about getting poked in the face/butt/Jell-o/hand/leg/puddin'-part/cytoplasm/membrane!

A fight breaks out against this Spawn of Cosby (too soon? ... wait until you see the drawing then), and the party lets loose with their attacks, but the thin corridor prevents everyone from being able to engage it. The gelatinous cube goes blooby-blobby on Uul'valaar and engulfs him like he's a stapler in Dwight Schrute's desk. After being eaten for a bit, the paladinous dude leaps from the gelatinous cube and suffers no more damage.

The party whittles away the gelatin's massive Hit Point pool, landing every attack on it. Eventually, Minion steps up with his spear and jabs the gelatinous cube at just the right spot, puddin'-poppin' it like a water balloon. Hooray! The slave killed the bad guy! Hippity-hoppity beat zip-zop-zoobity-bop! But he's still a slave in a potential exchange contract to cure McSneakle's blood disease! Why is his life so terrible!?

Ul'valaar opens up the treasure chest and finds the following:

Potion of Healing

Potion of Antivenom

Crowbar

Rusted Key

Uul'valaar then heals himself back up by laying hands all over his body. They then set off down another sewer tunnel, finding a clutch of white and blue eggs at the end of it. McSneakle touches one of the eggs, and it flickers out of existence. The egg returns after a minute, and the party ain't having any of this ghost-blink-techno-egg bullshit, so Zanzibar uses ray of frost to break all of them.

The party then ventures into a massive chamber of the sewer, which is covered by a grate that has a river of stinky doodoo flowing beneath it. Also, part of the grate is torn open. On the other side of the poopie river is a lever, so Minion goes over to examine it, but a phase spider manifests into existence and fucks up his world!

Angry at almost losing his medical down payment, McSneakle lets loose a crossbow bolt that hits the phase spider right in its phase spider ding-dong. Zanzibar follows suit, pelting the creature with a very good magic missile roll of 13. The spider then blinks from existence and the party braces for it to reappear. The spider pops up right next to McSneakle, who goes Samwise Gamgee on it and kicks its ass, killing it.

🌱 harvests one of the fangs and venom sacks from the creature, and the rest of the party helps out Minion. They pull the lever, which lowers the doodoo river and plays that Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time you-did-itjingle. The PC's go through the busted grating and find the Heel of the Snake's hideout.

The hideout is covered in spider webs, and the dead body of the half-orc who robbed Elisin is tangled in a web. "Justice is served," Uul'valaar says, and he finds the stolen note, which has been opened.

The note is addressed to Lady Akunai and reads, "Here is the shipment you ordered to begin manufacturing phase spider silk. Speak the command words below, and you will have your fortune."

The command words are faded, meaning that this letter is a magical scroll. Uul'valaar deduces that Lady Akunai, seeking to increase her textile portfolio, wanted to smuggle in a phase spider to harvest silk from it. Zanzibar ensures Uul'valaar that keeping creatures like phase spiders is highly illegal in Kinchasa. The party assumes the thieves of the Heel of the Snake stole the letter, not knowing what was in it. The thieves then read it in their den, which conjured the phase spider that killed them.

The party looks among each other, knowing they are all gonna snitch on Lady Akunai's ass.