The ever elusive chanteuse and even more elusive actress known as Mariah Carey had her self-directed Christmas flick air on the Hallmark Channel last night and, as predicted, it was a big ol' mess. Like, you know when the Christmas tree lights get all tangled after being in a box in the attic for the past year, and it takes hours just to pull the cords apart from one another, and your mom keeps suggesting that she just runs out to Target real quick to buy a new box while your dad insists over and over that he can untangle the damn thing if everybody just backs off? Yeah. That kind of mess.

In A Christmas Melody, Carey plays suburban PTA queen bee Melissa, a Regina George in lamb's clothing who is hellbent on torturing Lacey Chabert's single mom Kristen, who just moved back to town from Los Angeles and gets involved with her daughter's school. Appearing on-screen with the sort of soft-filtered Oprah-famous lighting that makes one look like a glowing hologram, Carey's ponytail and pearl-wearing Melissa is a braggy, shade-throwing, passive-aggressive stage mom who spews the sort of saccharine backhanded compliments that Carey herself has become a veritable queen of within the media.

And while the role is certainly entertaining in an iconic-diva-plays-even-bigger-diva sort of way, the acting is just so cheesy:

Then again, Carey is basically the human embodiment of "over-the-top," so really would we have expected anything less than this bitchy made-for-television perfection? Screw the Grammys—somebody get this queen the Emmy she deserves.