(CNN) - In the past, at times like these, when his life foundered and frayed around the edges, Ryan Bell often prayed for help. But this year, at least, the pastor has resolved not to.

For the next 12 months, Bell says he will live as if there is no God.

He will not pray, go to church, read the Bible for inspiration, trust in divine providence or hope in things unseen. He’s taking the opposite of a leap of faith: a free fall into the depths of religious doubt.

Bell’s “intellectual experiment,” which began January 1, has already borne dramatic consequences.

In less than a week, he lost two jobs teaching at Christian schools near his home in Los Angeles. He’s 42 and has been a pastor or in seminary for most of his adult life. Now he faces the prospect of poverty and taking odd jobs to feed his two daughters, 10 and 13.

“There have been times, usually late at night and early in the morning, when I think: What have I done? It really undermines the whole structure of your life, your career, your family,” Bell said.

But just as the man of God began to despair, he found help from an unlikely source: atheists.

'Suspending belief '

The seeds of Bell’s journey were planted last March, when he was asked to resign as pastor of a Seventh-day Adventist congregation in Hollywood.

He had advocated for the church to allow gay and lesbian leaders, campaigned against California’s same-sex marriage ban and disputed deeply held church doctrines about the End Times.

Eventually, his theological and political liberalism became more than leaders in the denomination could bear, and he lost his career of 19 years. His faith was shaken, and for a while Bell became a “religious nomad.”

On the positive side, losing his church job gave him the freedom to question the foundations of his religious belief without fear of troubling his congregation.

“I could finally pursue those questions that had been bouncing around my head,” he said, while earning money from teaching, speaking and consulting jobs.

Then, after lunch with a friend last year, he thought: What if he tried out atheism, and lived with no religion at all for a year?

“It’s like when you go to a movie and you suspend disbelief for three hours to get inside the story,” Bell said. “I’m suspending my belief in God to see what atheism is all about.”

Bell, who still holds ministerial credentials in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, thought it would be a neat little intellectual experiment.

He would interview atheists, attend gatherings of nonbelievers and read through the canon of skeptics: Friedrich Nietzsche, Baruch Spinoza, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, among others.

When friends got sick, instead of praying, as was once his immediate response, Bell said, he would “do something tangible and practical and supportive for them.”

He would start a blog, “Year Without God,” and write about his faithless journey. Bell thought maybe a few people would read his posts, follow along and offer advice or criticism.

“I didn’t realize, even four days ago, how difficult it would be for some people to embrace me while I was embracing this journey of open inquiry into the question of God’s existence,” Bell wrote on Saturday.

‘We need to talk’

The first signs of trouble came around the turn of the new year, just days after Bell announced his experiment online.

Texts and e-mails arrived from friends, family and colleagues with the ominous phrase, “We need to talk.”

Kurt Fredrickson, a friend of Bell’s and associate dean of ministry at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California, sent one of those messages.

Bell, a graduate of Fuller, had taught in the school’s doctorate development program for the past year. But Fredrickson told his friend that his sabbatical from faith meant a sabbatical from the seminary as well.

“From an academic standpoint, and even as a personal journey, I’m really excited about what Ryan is doing,” Fredrickson said.

"There is no honest person of faith who doesn’t have doubts, and Ryan is being courageous enough to take a step back and assess his life. This is bold stuff.”

But Bell’s job at Fuller was to help students through their doctoral dissertations, a particularly stressful time, Fredrickson said, when seminarians need to lean on a person with strong faith.

“They are flying solo for the first time, and we want to not only teach, but to nurture souls as well,” Fredrickson said. “Ryan saying he’s going to be an atheist for a year is a little contradictory to that.”

Fuller would be happy to talk to Bell when his experiment is over, the dean added.

Azusa Pacific University, where Bell had taught intercultural communication since 2011, also declined to renew his contract.

Rachel White, a spokeswoman for the school, wouldn’t comment, saying it was an internal personnel matter. But she said all school and faculty are expected to sign a statement of faith outlining their belief in Christianity.

Also this year, Bell lost a consulting job with a Seventh-day Adventist Church in Glendale, California.

Bell said he bears no ill will toward the church or the schools that let him go, though he wishes they would tolerate, if not support, his atheism experiment. The loss of income has led to some family stress, he said.

“I have kids to support and utilities to pay and the rent is due,” Bell said. “At this point I’m willing to do almost anything.” Bell said he and his wife are divorcing, though not because of his atheist experiment.

Meanwhile, the phone calls, e-mails and texts from friends and family worried about the fate of his soul continue to pour in.

‘A beautiful gesture’

“He learned what it’s like to be an atheist real fast,” said Hemant Mehta, a prominent atheist blogger and schoolteacher in Illinois.

Mehta said he knows many atheists who fear that “coming out of the closet” will jeopardize their jobs and relationships, just as in Bell’s experience.

Mehta said he doesn’t exactly agree with the premise of Bell’s experiment. How does someone pretend to be an atheist? It’s not like a hat you wear to see if it fits. Faith taps into deeply held beliefs and emotions. Even during his experiment with atheism, won't there still be a nagging suspicion in the back of Bell’s mind that God exists?

(For the record, Bell describes his current theological views as agnostic - somewhere between belief and atheism. But he's trying to put that aside for the year to live and think like an atheist.)

Mehta said he admired Bell’s pluck and sympathized with his plight. Though he had never spoken with the pastor, Mehta set up an online fundraiser for Bell on Tuesday. In just one day, nearly 900 people donated more than $19,000 to help “the pastor giving atheism a try.”

“I think more than anything else, people appreciate that this guy is giving atheism a shot,” Mehta said. “I mean, he lost three jobs in the span of a week just for saying he was exploring it.”

Bell said he knows Christians and agnostics who have contributed to his fundraiser as well, so it’s not an all-atheist effort.

Still, he’s impressed that nonbelievers have flocked to help fund his experiment

“It really validates that the (atheist) community is really all about the search for truth,” Bell said. “They know that I might not even end up as an atheist at the end of my search, but it doesn’t matter to them. It’s such a beautiful gesture.”

Will the support tip Bell toward atheism? The pastor is agnostic about that, too – for now.

soundoff(6,251 Responses)

Nicko

Two men are speaking to each other on telephones whilst on opposite sides of the planet. One exclaims at how beautifully blue the sky is. The other snorts, calls the other a moron, and confidently says the sky can be nothing if not black at the time.

The moral? Who cares?!!! You are all human and you are all garbage. Get over yourselves you pompous jerks. All you need to know is you will die a painfull death. If you're so short-sighted that you don't care "if", that's your problem. To those that want that "if" after death, stop pushing it on the ones that are so full of themselves that they get off on tasting their own farts!

January 8, 2014 at 2:00 pm |

Tom, Tom, the Other One

I did try to understand what you said.

January 8, 2014 at 2:02 pm |

Jake

Hey, cool, someone we can all hate!

January 8, 2014 at 2:03 pm |

Chitown Wendy

I'm certainly not garbage...I'm sorry you have such a low opinion of yourself, however.

January 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm |

Nicko

Forget religion or the lack thereof. If you can read this and you're not reading it from the cosmos, then you can rest assured more than anything that you indeed are garbage. Enjoy mucking up the rest of your lives.

January 8, 2014 at 2:19 pm |

Lucifer's Evil Twin

My... the dumbass is strong in this one...

January 8, 2014 at 2:22 pm |

Nicko

"It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it."

January 8, 2014 at 2:34 pm |

Kevin

Of course he lost his job and everything... he's been surrounding his life in religion.

Time to get a real job and face reality.

January 8, 2014 at 1:58 pm |

Ryan

I don't quite understand why people on here are giving the Church flack about letting this guy go. Yes the Church is tolerant and is supposed to love everyone as Christ did, but this guy turned his back on God. He is rejecting God, that is different that not knowing God or even being upset with God, it is REJECTING God. And it is blatant. A real Christian will pray for this man, but they are not going to support his decision. And it is no coincidence that this man's life has taken a drastic turn either, he has made a living preaching the word of God, now he has turned his back on that... what did he think was going to happen.

January 8, 2014 at 1:57 pm |

I'm not a GOPer, nor do I play one on TV

I haven't seen a single post criticizing his employers for terminating his employment.

January 8, 2014 at 2:00 pm |

SEQLAR

lol.. the stupidity and irony in your comment... oh boy

January 8, 2014 at 2:00 pm |

Tyler

Well.. god doesn't exist. So that's the problem with your comment. He's simply turning his back on a corrupt belief system that manipulates man-kind. It's all make believe folks... I can write a book myself.

January 8, 2014 at 2:02 pm |

Robert Raulerson

I've always wondered how Gawdders reconcile Gawd's alleged Omniscience with Free Will. But then I often wonder how Gawdders manage to get across the road without being run over by a snowplow.

January 8, 2014 at 1:54 pm |

Pegasus

In reality religious people aren't as idiotic as you claim. And atheists leave evidence that they are just as capable of being idiotic, delusional and irrational as religious people. Usually atheists that constantly belittle religious people are trying to overcompensate for a shortcoming of their own.

January 8, 2014 at 1:57 pm |

Jebediah

Hell is a special place for blasphemers such as yourself. When you're crying for your mommy as the devil flays the skin of your bones, you'll be wishing you accepted the good lord our savior into your life.

January 8, 2014 at 2:00 pm |

Chitown Wendy

Now how do you know that's what the devil would do ? Why would the devil punish anyone for not worshipping his enemy?

January 8, 2014 at 2:02 pm |

snowboarder

the doctrine really is pretty absurd.

January 8, 2014 at 2:05 pm |

Jebediah

Because that's what the bible says and the bible is the word of god. Are you too stupid to understand that? Probably

January 8, 2014 at 2:06 pm |

snowboarder

hell is an invention of the imagination of man, meant to frighten children and the weak minded.

January 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm |

Jebediah

You can tell him that when your day comes son. I'm sure he'll be very forgiving.

January 8, 2014 at 2:07 pm |

Jon Guthrie

Actually, God is forgiving, atleast that is what the book you keep basing your faith on says. So, why wouldn't he forgive someone on their day of judgement? I mean seriously, I could state on my death bed that I took the Lord jesus christ into my heart and still go to hell, why? The 10 commandments, I put Jesus before God. And for those that believe they are one and the same, God is skizophrenic, as he's hung on the cross crying out why He forsake himself. You can't have it both ways, either Jesus is asking God why he's having to endure being hung on the cross, in which every Christian is going to hell for prayin to the wrong person, or he's talking to himself, and all the more reason I would never follow him.

January 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm |

Craig

Didn't know atheism had a 365-day trial period. So it's not really an actual conviction, just an appliance you can give up after a certain period?

I do not agree with Ryan's choice to turn his back on his faith and then expecting a warm welcome back after a year. See, being 'church' is like in being the Bride of Christ and when you turn your back on your 'spouse' its like fornication and lust after someone/thing else (spiritual decay and backsliding). I can't imagine leaving my Salvation at the door and showing no regrets. We as preachers of the Word of God weren't called for this kind of experiments. Lead by example in the front. What if some will fall away from faith through this experiment? Be blessed!

January 8, 2014 at 1:53 pm |

SEQLAR

Yeah cults tend to do that.. Your cult is no different... You are either with us or against us... typical brainwashing...

January 8, 2014 at 2:01 pm |

Phygmint

I'm really sorry that this man had to try out atheism before his response to help someone was to do "something tangible and practical and supportive for them instead of praying, "As was once his immediate response".

It's unfortunate that you have to leave Christianity to get off your butt and actually help friends instead of being lazy and using "I'll pray for you" as a cop-out, but I've seen it a million times.

January 8, 2014 at 1:53 pm |

Cynthia

Did he ever think he lost his job because it was associated with fundamentalism and indoctrination, which is what he had dismissed? Maybe, the Universe was trying to lead him in the direction to grow and see the true light....Ask and it shall be given, seek and ye will find, knock and the door shall be opened. Seeking truths will cause one to shed old things and new ones will appear.

January 8, 2014 at 1:49 pm |

kyzaadrao

Apparently the universe told him to take $19,000 from people instead of going out and getting a job after he decided to switch careers that depends on a commitment to a deep conviction, in which the soul searching should have been done long ago.

January 8, 2014 at 1:54 pm |

In Santa we trust

Long-standing tradition in the religious world.

January 8, 2014 at 2:02 pm |

kyzaadrao

Well, the good pastors do much more than a 40 hour week and tend to provide valuable community service. This one claimed to not even understand that you need to not only pray but get out there, roll up your sleeves and actually do the good works.

Taking money without the work on either side is just as wrong though, yes.

January 8, 2014 at 2:06 pm |

tkog_4_life

Real ... isn't it funny that the one constant in this is the money .... he could throw away his faith but not his need of money .... So what does he find? Seems to me he finds that money is the real god here. Sad. I think true Xtians have to get to the point where our faith is worth more to us than money, cos it is impossible to serve two masters at same time though many 'with faith' try. Of course I'm sure after this is over when he is offered nice paying jobs and consultancies with Xtian organizations he will quickly and gladly return to the 'faith' that he once detested for its intolerance etc etc .... either that or some goof ball reality series .... yeah, definitely the money, oh well no surprises there

January 8, 2014 at 3:29 pm |

Monica

EXACTLY! The comments in the article act as if he was fired from corporate jobs...all of them were Christianity-based, so it makes sense. Would a church hire an atheist pastor? Probably not. LOL!

To me this seems like a mockery of his faith and to God! Like someone said before, Atheism is something you just cant pretend to be. How can you fake your feelings for not believing in God. Faith is planted deep in the soul once you open up to God, how Bell not can feel the urge to pray or worship is beyond me.

January 8, 2014 at 1:49 pm |

I'm not a GOPer, nor do I play one on TV

"(For the record, Bell describes his current theological beliefs as agnostic – somewhere between belief and atheism.)"

How is this faking anything?

January 8, 2014 at 1:54 pm |

exlonghorn

If he didn't see any benefits to his beliefs...or if he saw the thousands of his flocks prayers going unanswered...then it only stands to reason that he should question that approach to life. Why do it? I mean, there's no evidence of hell. No evidence of eternal life (which seems like an odd gift regardless). NO evidence that evildoers are punished while the kindest and most altruistic are occasionally punished. In all honesty, the outcomes in life probably all started to look random to him. Why did it look random? Probably because it IS random, to an extent.

January 8, 2014 at 1:58 pm |

tkog_4_life

Exactly NO evidence because we don't claim to have evidence .... that's why Xtianity is a walk of FAITH .... no guarantees for a 'nice' life, rich life, fabulous life, etc etc ...... yeah now you get it, true Xtians aren't promising eternity, we believe the promise of eternity with no guarantees .... and that is why few will get it cos it doesn't make sense ... though what i really don't understand is what the appeal of atheism is ... obviously imagination is not this dude's strong point ..... i believe in facts .. yeah thanks dude

January 8, 2014 at 3:57 pm |

Terry

"How can you fake your feelings for not believing in God"

I think there are many who fake their feelings for believing in God, so it's not to hard to imagine someone faking not believing.

January 8, 2014 at 2:00 pm |

SEQLAR

"Faith is planted deep in the soul once you open up to God," which God? Ra? Vishnu? Faith is a belief in something without evidence, so how do know which God is the true God ? You religious people don't make any sense...

January 8, 2014 at 2:03 pm |

snowboarder

apparently not.

January 8, 2014 at 2:07 pm |

B

Giving up something is hard but not impossible. Take smoking for instance. You quit smoking but the urge is still in the back of you mind to smoke but you don't give in to it. You're still a "smoker" for life, or at least until the urges fade away, but you're not actively smoking. Same goes with this guy. He's trying a different version of faith but he still holds his own faith; he's just not practicing it. He's not a true atheist, he's more agnostic, like the article says. I think it's great for people to wake up and challenge their beliefs instead of blindly following something just because it's the way it's always been.

God doesn't give you things, you give yourself things and you earn things. If you sit inside all day and do nothing and pray to God to make your life better nothing will happen. You have to get outside, get active, and make something happen. The whole saying of "It's in God's hands now." is a crazy ideology. God doesn't give you things you have to do it yourself. People think life is more stressful without having faith or God in it because they have to actually worry about their problems. They can't just put it on God and not worry about it anymore. I grew up in a very religious household and I went to a private religious school so I understand both sides of this and I choose to be agnostic. I'm open to the idea of there being a higher power but I'd rather live my life well and earn my own way through it. If the only reason you're playing nice through your life is to get into heaven then that's not a good reason. You should live a good life and do what's right because it's the right thing to do. If when I die and there actually is a heaven I can be happy with the life I lived and accept my soul's fate. Hopefully I'll be invited back to earth for another round!

January 8, 2014 at 2:33 pm |

Robert Raulerson

The Free Will Excuse is an effort to get Gawd off the hook for all the Eeeeville in this world. Sounds like something Johnny Cochran would cook up for O. J. Simpson. So I guess yer Gawd's shyster, huh?

January 8, 2014 at 1:47 pm |

Whatzamatau

When I go to the lake on Sunday morning and eat my pastry and drink my coffee, I take in all the religion I need.

January 8, 2014 at 1:45 pm |

Cynthia

I agree........so true! In harmony and balance with nature is so spiritual.

January 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm |

Cynthia

I agree........so true! In harmony and balance with nature is so spiritual, as you are being one with earth, sun, and all that is.

January 8, 2014 at 1:52 pm |

QS

The concept of "spreading the word" is the basis for all that is wrong with religion.

If your beliefs dictate to you that you must go around and try to "convert" people to your way of thinking in order to "save" them, your beliefs are inherently starting you off from a foundation of immediately looking down on others and seeing them as things that need to be fixed rather than as fellow humans who should not have to be made to feel guilty just because they don't believe your particular brand of delusion.

Religion is designed to start people off in life with little regard for diversity and far too much paranoia and susp.icion of others.

Knowledge is the root of all evil. Because with knowledge, we learn that God does not exist, which is the Sin they are refering too.

January 8, 2014 at 4:35 pm |

Faking it

I personally don't find it hard to fake either a religion or the lack there of. If anybody knew what I actually believe I'd be locked away so one way or another I've been faking it most of my life.

January 8, 2014 at 1:44 pm |

tkog_4_life

and you sir are the genuine article ....... at least you're honest ...... damn well one day maybe you will share this proclivity of yours no?

January 8, 2014 at 4:38 pm |

Robert Raulerson

When people say 'Gawd', they don't mean 'something out there somewhere'. It's hard to deny something that broadly defined, but that isn't Gawd. Gawd is the Gawd of the religions and those Gawds can be disproved. The existence of Eeeeville disproves the Xtian Gawd. You disagree, but yer an idjut – aren't you?

January 8, 2014 at 1:44 pm |

tkog_4_life

i swear you used to be a priest or rabbi or guru didn't you ...? you are as idiotically and zealously irreligious as some people are religious ..... well failed philosopher, didn't they teach you that baseless assertions maketh not for good argument? In any case you contradict your brainless hypothesis because religion/faith is actually the belief of that something out there that we just happen to label 'God' with no attempt at providing proof or evidence ... but i'll leave that up to moronic scientist like you to try to prove or disprove ....

all faith is like blissful opinion, and who is to say my opinion isn't right?

January 8, 2014 at 5:23 pm |

The Other Chris

Glad I'm not the only one confused as to how you can try out atheism for a year. Obviously, we can't truly know what he's thinking throughout this thing, but I find it difficult to believe that he could possibly give up on his faith on a whim. Yes, he can stop practicing, but that's not the same thing as denying the existence of any deity and actually believing it. Either way, I hope he finds whatever he's looking for.

January 8, 2014 at 1:41 pm |

I'm not a GOPer, nor do I play one on TV

Don't you think it would be pretty gut-wrenching when your life's work is being a preacher to develop enough doubt that you can't continue to tell people to believe?

He is not alone. He needs to reach out to The Clergy Project.
http://www.clergyproject.org/

January 8, 2014 at 1:46 pm |

Loathstheright

Being an Atheist is not something you just pretend to be....it is an awakening to reason and intelligent thought, Atheists that I have spoken with get it around ages 11 – 14.
And now, I guess, the exPaster knows just how compassionate and understanding religion can be.

January 8, 2014 at 1:40 pm |

illusive

Yes and no, remember most Buddhists are atheists, people who believe aliens created us are atheists. Atheism has nothing directly to do with reasoning/ intelligence, it is just the rejection of theist claims. Idiots can be atheists as well.

January 8, 2014 at 1:47 pm |

TwoInchTammy

Bell describes his current theological beliefs as agnostic – somewhere between belief and atheism. Atheism makes a sensational headline – agnostic, not so much. Truth is, this guy has just decided to dump his church – not "take atheism for a test drive". How can one believe a fairytale and then wake up one day with common sense? Regardless, I like the attempt to wise up and I fully support him in his journey.

If atheism is a religion it is the True Religion. The Gawd of No-Gawd. The Church of No-Church. It is the one you all should not belong to. Why don't you not-join today?

January 8, 2014 at 1:38 pm |

Bubba

Where do I NOT sign up?

January 8, 2014 at 1:49 pm |

illusive

If atheism is a religion, then so is not believing the tooth fairy exists (atoothfairyists??) and not believing santa exists. Be careful when you open of the definition, you will let in more than you want.

January 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm |

I'm not a GOPer, nor do I play one on TV

I didn't sign up already.

January 8, 2014 at 1:52 pm |

Doc Vestibule

Maybe we can finally have an war in which we kill each other over who believes in God the least.

January 8, 2014 at 1:55 pm |

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance)

United Atheist League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.

The CNN Belief Blog covers the faith angles of the day's biggest stories, from breaking news to politics to entertainment, fostering a global conversation about the role of religion and belief in readers' lives. It's edited by CNN's Daniel Burke with contributions from Eric Marrapodi and CNN's worldwide news gathering team.