When You Live in a Constant State of Anxiety

The constant fear of something that may not even exist. The pain that goes through your stomach when thinking about the smallest things that may not even happen. It becomes harder and harder to breathe and there’s nothing to stop it. You’re living in a constant state of anxiety.

You go to bed worrying about what kind of day you will have the next. You tell yourself everything will be fine, but you know it’s not the truth. You pray for a good day, with only a few anxious thoughts. Yet, most of the time it’s a bad day, with racing thoughts and attacks taking up your time. You wake up knowing what day it will be right away. You feel like you’re paralyzed. You lay there waiting for the attack to come on. You know it’s coming. Yet, sometimes there’s no way to stop it. No matter what, you’re living in a constant state of anxiety.

You wonder why you’re not like the other people who get up and live their life with no fear. You want to be like them. You pray to be like them, but no matter what you do, you’re not them. You wonder what it’s like to be able to wake up every day with no fear in your mind. You want to go to school. You want to go do things everyone else can do. You just can’t get yourself to do it.

You try, every day you try, but no matter what, you’re not normal like everyone else. Normal people get up and go to school every day. They live life to the fullest, without fear, without attacks. They are normal, but you’re living in a constant state of anxiety.

People wonder why you’re like this. They think it’s just an excuse for not wanting to do something. They don’t know how real it is and how serious your problems in life are. You try to explain it, but you just are told everyone has issues and you just have to suck it up. You can’t suck it up. Anxiety isn’t something that can be sucked up.

You try to push through. You try to get yourself to do something, but just because you try, doesn’t mean you can. People don’t get it. They think you can do everything they can do, but you’re living in a constant state of anxiety.

You don’t know when they’re coming. You could be fine one second, and the next, you’re not. Your chest gets tight. Your stomach is in knots. You’re shaking. You’re crying, and everyone is just staring at you.

An anxiety attack is scary. You can’t stop it. There is nothing you can do other then wait it out. People think you’re just freaking out about nothing. They don’t get you’re living in a constant state of anxiety .

You try to explain to your teachers that it’s hard for you. They don’t understand, nor do they care to listen. You want them to understand. It would make your life so much easier, but they don’t get it. They expect you to answer questions in front of your class, to read papers out loud and to show up to school every day. You can’t do that. You don’t know how to explain it to them. You want to tell them how it makes you feel when doing those things, but you can’t put it into words. So they end up thinking it’s just an excuse, but really you’re living in a constant state of anxiety .

Your friends ask why you’re not in school all the time. They wonder why you break down at random times and why every little thing makes you anxious. You don’t know what to tell them. You don’t want to embarrass yourself. You want them to understand, but it’s not that easy. So you end up telling them you were sick. You aren’t sick though. You’re living in a constant state of anxiety.

Every day is the same thing. You go to bed worrying. You wake up worrying. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, you’re always worried. You don’t know how to explain it to people. So you make excuses, and you end up being judged for it. Everyone wonders why you’re like this. There’s nothing you can say other than, you’re living in a constant state of anxiety.

Just because you’re living in a constant state of anxiety, doesn’t mean you’re alone. You have people by your side and people who care about you. You are loved and appreciated. You can get through this, one day at a time.

My name is Madeleine, and I am 17 years old. I have lived on the Connecticut shoreline for my entire life. After graduating with my class in 2017, I hope to work with mentally disabled children and be someone they can confide in. For the past 15 years I have struggled with anxiety disorder. Most likely I will continue to battle anxiety for years to come, but after reading, I hope people are inspired to expand their understanding of mental illness.