Meat now comes in four grades, Select, Choice, Prime, and Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

""Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.''

Chuck Norris doesnŠt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

The Original Name For the game "Street Fighter" was "Spawn of Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

Chuck Norris turned the " Church of Scientology" to "Chuck Norris' House of Pain"

There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris.

A waitress at a Outback accidentally gave Chuck Norris a rare steak instead of a well-done steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!"

The clock on Chuck Norris' VCR programs itself for fear of retaliation.

America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk.

Chuck Norris' alarm clock plays Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" every morning at 7 am. Its not because he likes the song. It infuriates him, because Chuck Norris does indeed know that they started that fire, and they will pay.

Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist.

Ford Trucks have a new Chuck Norris warning sensor, apparently he think's their motto (Are You Ford Tough?) is a challenge.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.