“Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band, group not to exceed seven
people for tour of FOB’s in Kuwait and Afghanistan for February 4-13
2008. The band should be an active rock band, with a music genre
consisting of Southern Rock, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge and Hard Rock. At
least one member of the band should be recognizable as a professional
celebrity. Protective military equipment, such as kevlar, body armour,
eye and ear protection will be provided when the group is travelling
on military rotary or fixed wing aircraft.”

Here’s the highly-calibrated method the service will use to evaluate
these Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band applicants. The contract
will be awarded based on “Past Performance, Contractor Capability,
Contractor’s Experience, Celebrity Status of the Proposed Artists, and
Price. Contractor Capability, Experience, and Price. The celebrity
status of the proposed artist is slightly more important than these 3
combined, and all 4 combined are slightly more important than Price.
And how will each of these criteria be judged?

Let’s look at “Factor 4, Celebrity Status of the Proposed Artists.”

In other words, the bigger the name, the better the proposal. A Paris
Hilton-fronted band wins out over, say, one from Kim Deal. K-Fed’s new
project trumps Wilco or Rancid.

Or does it? Let’s examine “Factor 2, Contractor Capability.”

OK, MAYBE NOT GWAR…
Good luck, rockers. And remember: “Any criminal conduct, unexcused
tardiness or absence which prevents timely starting of the
performance(s) required hereunder, indecency or obscenity,
drunkenness, damage to Government property, failure to discharge
indebtedness to the Government, influence of narcotics or
hallucinatory drugs, threatening breach of national security,
violation of the rules and regulations of the Host Nation, Government
or TFF MWR are grounds for termination of this contract.” No “forced
on indentured child labor,” and no “live animals,” either.

HIPHOP AND/OR RAP MUSIC ACT SOUGHT
– Act must contain at least one “fresh” MC and DJ combination, who
have been “profiling” and “holding it down” within the last six
months. Creative dental work a plus.
– The crew may not contain “wack” MCs.
– Points deducted if the artist is found to be “fronting.”