2018/11/12

I've written this a good 3 months ago and honestly didn't think that I'd ever publish it. Even though it's been a little while, I still can relate so much to every single word I've written down back then. So here we go...

You can’t run away from problems. You can’t run away from feelings. You can’t run away from yourself and all the decisions you made. But if I learnt one thing over the past week it’s that sometimes, a bit of time and distance can work wonders.

The past year has been without a doubt one of the greatest years of my life. I’ve met so many incredible peoples, moved to my favourite city in the world and have finally started working on my childhood dream of becoming a fashion journalist. Yet, as you probably know if you’ve been keeping up with my blog, it has been quite a tough one as well. When I first moved away from home, I expected it to be hard. I knew that I didn't choose the easiest path and that I had to work hard if I really wanted to succeed.

But it wasn’t only all the work that I struggled with. It was so much more. I don’t really believe in destiny, but I do believe in life. And sometimes, life sucks. Shit happens. And once it happens, all you’ve got left is to decide how you’re going to react to it.

While I feel like career and uni-wise I did pretty well so far for myself, I can resume everything that happened elsewise with one word: loss. Friends, family, relationships. I used to think that by the time you hit your 20s, you pretty much know who you are and what you want from life. I knew what I wanted from life since I was about 10. I lost myself in the process of going for it.

My life as I’ve known it started to fall apart over this year and instead of trying to figure stuff out, I did the complete opposite. I ran away. Every occasion I got, I went home. And I made some really bad choices. I compromised my principles. I started to work extensively, to a point where it wasn’t healthy anymore. It helped me to get closer to my dreams. And it helped me to forget my problems. But it didn't solve anything else and in the long run, it didn't help me to feel better about myself and my life.

I kept on having nightmares. Every single night, I would wake up at some point, confused and often crying. I was working pretty much full-time while trying to please everybody around me. I was trying to be there for everyone. Everyone except myself. And if somebody was asking me how I was doing, I’d lie to their face, saying I was okay. You can pretend that everything is alright as long as you don’t think or talk about it. As soon as you start talking, things get real. And I was afraid of realising what has happened, of having to face it. So I lied to everybody, but mostly to myself.

I’m currently in the Dominican Republic while I’m writing this. It’s 4.12 am and once again, I can’t sleep. It’s been the first week where I’ve allowed myself to not work, to think about nothing but myself and everything that has happened over the past year. And slowly but surely, I feel like everything that I tried to make myself believe is crumbling. I am starting to crumble.

And you know what I realised? It’s alright. It’s okay to feel down, to be hurt, to cry and to talk. It’s okay to not have everything figured out; it's okay to not be “okay” all the time. Because sooner or later, everything that you’re trying to suppress is going to come back, or even worse, it’s going to haunt you during the night as long as you don’t allow yourself to process it during the day. Your problems will follow you no matter how far you run and how badly you try to bury them.

You know what I realised as well? It gets easier. No matter what you’re going through right now, it will get easier with time. You just have to allow yourself to feel the pain in the first place. Give yourself some time to heal, and trust me, miracles happen from the moment you decide to feel.

2018/11/08

When I told my mum that I wanted to move to London and study Fashion Journalism, she told me that I've chosen a very lonely road, that I'd probably find very little friends and that my entire life would probably consist of work only.

I guess somewhere deep down I knew that she was right - I mean, mums are always right so why would this be an exception? And still, when it came to the point of moving, I was desperate to build a circle of friends that I could simply have fun with and talk to about everything at the same time. And it went all wrong.

I've been living in the UK now for a good one and a half year and let me tell you, I've never felt this lonely and lost in my entire life.

Career-wise, I can't complain. I've found an amazing job with the best boss one could wish for. I've met such incredibly talented and kind people. And unlike many others, I can honestly say that I look forward to every hour I get to spend at uni.

And yet, in the process of doing what I love and working to get where I want to be, I've completely lost myself. I say things I would've never said a year ago. I do things I'm more than ashamed of. And the more I try to hold on to the person I was/want to be, the more I lose sight of how to be that person.

Between refusing to feel and attempting to act normal, I've cracked. And I have no idea how to get out of this anymore. With every baby step I make in the right direction, I feel like some bigger force is pushing me three steps backwards. And I know that I can't blame anyone for this except myself.

I've been told so many times that it's so easy to lose yourself in this industry. Yet, the funny part about all of this is that this industry is the only stable thing in my life right now. The only time I am truly me is when I write. And the only time I am truly happy is when I'm so deep into work that the rest of the world becomes a complete blur.

And I've been functioning like that for the past year. I've worked through grief and sorrow, through sadness and anxiety. And I feel like right now it's all coming back and there's nothing I can do about it. No matter how hard I try to forget, to move on and to suppress, it somehow all comes up again. I get flashbacks at the most random times of the day, I lose control over things that couldn't matter less on the big scale of things. But somehow they matter to me - they matter more than they ever have.

I've grown up being told that showing emotions in public is showing weakness and that trusting people can and will probably be your downfall. And every time I thought that it's going to be different, I fell harder than the time before. Somehow, showing emotions seems to have become synonymous for giving people the authorisation to use you. Or at least, that's what has happened to me up until now every single time.

I believe that we always have some kind of choice - and if we chose the wrong thing, we have to own up to our decisions and live with the consequences. I've become pretty good at suppressing feelings in general in the meantime (sad? I know). The problem is, I forgot how to let it out in safe spaces at the same time...

Lesson of the day? Don't trust too much. Don't give too much. Don't expect too much. Because it's exactly that "too much" that's going to break you. No matter how strong you are, everyone needs to step back at some point and remember why they started. And everyone needs to let it out and acknowledge that not everything is perfect and that one's hurt from time to time. It's okay to cry, to feel and to grief. And it's okay to talk about it. You just have to remember the difference between "letting it out" to get over it and getting so caught up in talking about it that you lose sight of what really matters: you.

2018/10/09

I've had a lecture today at uni about how to write a good opinion piece. From what I understood this one is going to be a really bad one, because it's literally just me ranting on - opinion for opinion's sake if you like so. But you know that feeling when you just have to get some stuff off your chest? Yeah, well that's what this blog is for, isn't it? So here we go...

In the past almost 22 years I've made a lot of bad choices, as many others probably did, too. One of the biggest ones I made since moving to the UK: I got into a relationship with a guy who couldn't be more a waste of air and space than he already is. And even though the relationship went to shit in May already, I've been sliding from one uncomfortable situation into the next ever since. Funny part: I didn't even have to do anything for it.

And it's straight-up hilarious how I'm expected to keep my mouth shut about it and be the adult person when in reality, I just feel like sharing every oh so little detail about the whole relationship and every crappy part about what followed. You can't get disappointed by a person that you don't think highly of in the first place, so the breakup was actually not the worst part of it all. The really sad part was all the lies and fakeness that followed, both from the darling ex and so-called "friends".

If I had to explain to somebody how I felt at that time, I'd probably go with desolate, disappointed and disgusted. When the roof of a house that you've been carefully building over years and years would just come crashing down on you, chances are you've probably chosen unstable and wrong building materials. Well, the same goes for your life when it falls apart after such a short period of time.

But hey, there's always a positive side to everything!

I learned to always expect the unexpected when it comes to new "friendships" because honestly, don't tell me that you really know a person after a year.

I also learned that most people could not even explain to you the concept of respect and honesty, even if their life would depend on it - and only because they talk of respect doesn't mean they can put it into practice.

Lastly, everyone always talks about how men are trash (got the reference?) - what about girls though? Only because they don't all ask for money doesn't mean they are angels.

At the end of the day, everyone makes their own choices and has to live with the consequences. I'm still paying for my mistakes but so will everyone else sooner or later. So Karma, if you see this: I'm waiting.

2018/07/22

"Uni is the time you get to know yourself and discover what you truly want." Do you know how often I've heard that sentence in the past year? And even though I didn't really understand how a school could change me so much, I start to realise that it's not only the uni itself. It's everything that comes with it. Moving away, becoming independent, finding like-minded people, envisioning a career for yourself, ... The last one is a big one for me actually.

As you probably know if you've followed this blog for some time, studying Fashion Journalism in London was my biggest dream since the age of 10. And to be honest, it was my only one so far. When I first read the quota of international students that actually get in, I was pretty sure that I needed a plan B which at the time, freaked me out. Well, thank God, I didn't need one, because honestly, it's the only thing I'm not too bad at and can actually make into a profession.

Anyway, fast-forward 1 year, and here we are: I've got 3 internships and 1 job under my belt, all while absolving first year and (more or less) building up a social life. The thing for me is that I've never thought further than uni so if you'd ask me where I see myself 5 years from now, all I could tell you is with a bachelor in Fashion Journalism and that's about it.

In general, I'm a very organised person. I like things to go by plan and I like to know what to expect. Well, the biggest lesson I've learnt so far is that you can't plan your life out to the fullest. There'll always be this little thing that goes differently, and who knows, it might lead you to even better things!

After absolving my first year at uni in May, I got to work as Fashion Assistant at Paper Journal which was truly different to everything I've ever done before. Instead of being told about the industry, I actually got to meet people and get familiar with how things really work.

And even though I love the job more than anything right now, it takes up most of my time and concentration which explains why there were so little posts these last weeks. Don't get me wrong, I still love my personal little gem but my priorities have switched to other things for now, which is why I decided to change things up a bit.

I know that many people consider blogging to be just a little pastime, but it actually takes up so much time and needs dedication and passion and creativity to keep going. I don't really have that kind of time right now and even less dedication. I want my blog to be something I enjoy doing, a fun hobby, not another point on my always growing to-do list.

Therefore, I decided to change things up a bit. Instead of trying to post 4 times a week, I'll cut down to once a week (probably Sundays). I'm thinking of focusing on my little train of thought and lifestyle sections as those are the things I really enjoy writing about right now.

This page is supposed to be a mirror for me. And, just as I evolved as a person, I want my blog to evolve, too. What's the saying again: "Without change, there's no growth." (Is that even how you say it?) - well, let's test that out!

2018/06/29

Most people will agree with me when I say that all beginnings can be a bit bittersweet. Your first year of uni is no exception to that.

While it is very exciting to say goodbye to your trusted high school/college and familiarise yourself with the new uni environment, it's no easy task nevertheless. Especially when you decide to leave your beloved home and move to another country as I did for example.

I love the idea of fresh starts, and even though it can be quite challenging at times, I can say now in retrospective that it was totally worth it and that I'm looking forward to my next two years.

Recently, I thought a lot about myself as an individual and, more specifically, how I've changed over the past year which was mostly due to the fact that I left my comfort zone and basically had to grow up in order to live alone in a whole new country.

So I figured it might be interesting to talk about 6 things I've learnt over this past year and who knows, it might be helpful to others who are thinking about doing the same thing. Let's do the rundown now!

Explore as much as you can

New country/city and new people equals a lot of new things worth exploring. I think one of the most common "mistakes" (if I may say so) is to build a new comfort zone in your new uni area and stay in your bubble without paying attention to what else is going on. Of course, it's amazing to build a friend group that you equally can have fun with and talk to about everything. But don't limit yourself! Try to meet as many new people as you can! You might come across really interesting and fun people that you wouldn't have met otherwise. Same goes for the city. As tempting as it might be to just go to common places that you already know, you shouldn't forget that there are plenty of cute coffee place, delicious restaurants and beautiful streets that only wait to be explored.

Dare to approach somebody first

I think that especially when you're a bit more of a shy person, this might be quite difficult. Personally, I found it very hard to make the first step towards people but looking back at it now, I'm so happy that I did. Just try to think this way: what is the worst thing that could happen? That the person says no? Well, considering all the good things that could come out of you approaching somebody, I think it's definitely a risk worth taking.

Don't build your life around one single person

In the same thought line, I think moving away from home can make you a bit more vulnerable to get very attached to one single person. It's beautiful to find somebody that you "click" with and can connect to, but it's important that you don't start to build your new life solely around that one person. It's unfair to them and it's even more unfair to yourself.

Stay true to yourself and your principles

Very cheesy one, I know. But it's so important that you stay true to who you truly are. Uni is the time to explore yourself and become your true self. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, it can be hard to not conform to what you consider to be the norm, but it's so important! You want people to like you for who you truly are, not for who they think you are. And believe me, they will!

Be grateful

This is a very important point for me personally. The fact that I wanted to move to London since the age of 10 and finally got to go for it and live out my childhood dreams, makes me probably the happiest person alive. On the other hand, it makes me really sad to see people who take everything for granted. Never forget that there are people who maybe would've loved to get into your course, but didn't make it in or people who don't have the means to realise themselves to this extent. Don't forget that you're damn lucky to be able to do what you love!

Don't lose focus

When you first get to your new home/uni, there's so much going on that it's easy to lose sight of why you moved in the first place. I figured that it's a pretty good idea to sometimes just take a step back from everything, spend some me-time and remind myself what I came to London for. Believe me, it works wonders.

Have fun!

Last but not least, don't forget to enjoy your time to its fullest! People always talk about how uni are the happiest years of your life and, considering my first-year experience, I can only agree. Sure, it's really difficult sometimes and I've had to push my boundaries more than once, but all in all, it's going to be worth it!