2.07.2013

Tracie's Journal #2

Today's post, again randomly selected, is from my sophomore year of high school. This one doesn't really have deep significance, as you will soon see: (originally spelling and punctuation preserved)

Journal #18 10/19/99

"You drive me crazy---up all night."

Uggh! I feel so freakin' ugly today. I look it too. (Double Uggh!) I am TI-RED! Ooo Baby. Chemistry is the evil villain that is going to stop me from getting a scholarship. There is no way I can get an A. I'm beggin' for a B+. (or higher with a lot of hope) Why in the world did I take Honors Chemistry? I don't understand chemistry in the least. The highest I've managed to get on a test is a B+. 'Nuff 'bout chemistry. I feel loopy today. I'm not normal. I want to go galloping through the meadows garden. And froliking through fields, walking by the way, leaping over the land, jumping over the jalopies, and other stuff like that. Except I can't because I'm in class and I am WAY SORE from yesterday. I played hard-core in P.E. and I didn't stretch out so now every muscle in my body hurts when I move.

I am a pretty princess soaring through the air. I have brown hair. That I'd like to tear. (tares are bad, they make me sad, I am glad when they separate the tares from the wheat because tares are poison) I have a wand, that I wave, in a band with my hand while laughing and leaping over the land.

Ignore the last paragraph it's just Tracie's disease inflicting me to be weird in as many ways as I can.

Fly me to the moon and back. See what I'm talking about? I need help and I need it soon. My eyes are killing me (We should put them in jail, Ah, Ha Ha HaHa.) No, I mean they're burning and they physically hurt.

Now I have to have commentary because Austin said it doesn't count as blogging if I don't write original words. First, the quote. I am quoting Brittnee Spears' song "(You Drive Me) Crazy." It was a popular song at the time. I still rather like it. Heidi and I choreographed a step aerobic routine for it. I don't remember when exactly. Some time in high school.

I start off with self-scrutiny and hatred. I had an extremely bad body image in high school. And again with the chemistry hatred. I told you that was a constant theme in my writing. I was worried about scholarships. I did end up getting a half tuition scholarship to BYU. But that was only for my first year. Probably because I did not get high enough grades to continue the scholarship. The GPA requirements, I believe, were 3.9. And though I graduated high school with a 3.95, I did not do as well in college. (I graduated from BYU with a 3.5 GPA, which frankly, I'm pretty proud of.)After the chemistry complaints, I go weird, which is a common thing for me. I'm kind of a weird person. I love how I crossed out meadows to write garden. My weirdness has to have alliteration, donchaknow. I also love the whole wheat and tares thing. Dead giveaway of Mormonness.

Tracie's disease was actually a thing back then. I've forgotten about it until now. Tracie's disease was pretty much what I explained. The condition of me being Tracie, thus, me being weird.

"Fly me to the moon and back" is a lyric from a Savage Garden song. I LOVED Savage Garden in high school.

The "la la la" bit is an inside joke. I wrote it in one of my diaries when I was a preteen. I told my friends about it, and they made fun of me for it. So, every once in a while, I'd write on notes and journal entries "la la la let's take up space."

The very last line is written by Heidi. We were in the same class, and we often would switch and read each others' journals.

Are you and Heidi linked up through your blogs nowadays? It would be interesting to see her thoughts now as an adult about her friendship with you during high school.

I can relate with you though. I also had bad self image in high school...amazingly enough, even though I was thin, and people said I was pretty. Its not easy for any girl to go through high school, I suspect its the same way for people we perceive to be beautiful and popular, but inside they might be just the loneliest ppl in the world. I have learned over the years that no one, and I repeat NO ONE, is free from struggling trials (especially as a teen) Some are just more hidden than others.