Same, Stupid Mistakes

I wrote this last night, hence the timing may not make any sense if you’re reading this morning.

My blood sugar was a perfect 4.8 when I woke up this morning.

Yet right now, I can taste the sickly residue of skittles that are stuck on my tongue after all of the hypos I’ve treated today.

I wonder where I went wrong today. I wonder where I keep going wrong.

I’m exhausted, just writing this, but I need to get today off my chest.

It was one of the first real winter mornings of the year. I woke up after a comfortable 8 hours sleep. Feeling the early morning chill, I began to prepare one of my favourite winter morning breakfasts – a hot bowl of porridge with half a cup of milk. The sweet smell of Espresso was brewing in the kitchen, as per usual.

36 grams of carbs for my breakfast, a carb ratio of 1 unit for every 6, and I dialled up 6 units on my insulin pen. For a moment, I considered opting for 5 or 5.5 units instead, seeing as I was close to the hypo range. Add to that the fact I would be at work and on my feet shortly, meaning greater insulin sensitivity. I don’t know why I dismissed that thought, but I did. I dismissed it, and went with the full 6 units of insulin instead.

By the time 8.30am rolled around, my blood sugar was 3.9. Three point fucking nine. Fuck diabetes, I thought to myself. Fuck diabetes, I told myself as I reached for the canisters of skittles in my locker and started shoving them into my mouth.

It was the stupidest mistake. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes like these recently that it’s not funny. I should know better. I do know better. Yet I just don’t seem to be thinking clearly. I feel like shooting myself in the foot.

I was in awe of the DOC members yesterday who took part in sharing a #dayofdiabetes on Twitter. I’m in awe of expectant people like Kelley and Kerri who are so diligent with their diabetes. I’m so happy for them, but at the same time I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I can’t even give myself the diligence that I deserve.

It was one of those days where I just had the words fuck diabetes on repeat. I ripped open a bag of Malteasers (which I did share, FYI), because I really couldn’t give a fuck for today. But at the same time, I think to myself, how much longer can I afford to keep saying this?

Hey Frank- I woke up to a 4.7 this morning and knew that if I went back to sleep it would be 3.9 so had some juice…it went up 4mmol in 1 hr. urgh…I wondered if I should have just left it and had a wait and see attitude…I think we all feel like we f… things up when it comes to managing our diabetes. But remember…there’s lots of things you do brilliantly, including writing from the heart!