Headline

A Raleigh-based couple spent the night in the Southport jail on Saturday after propelling their stolen golf cart up the ferry ramp, creating chaos and delays. In addition to damage to the cart and ferry, setbacks ensued all day. Mail arrived late and an entire bridal party missed a Saturday afternoon wedding.

When called at the jail, the incarcerated Mrs. Priscilla Bond said, “The tram never arrived. Three times we called. Finally, we decided to borrow the golf cart and drive it up the ferry ramp. We just wanted to get home to our miniature greyhound, Seymour.”

The male, Mr. Archibald Bond, could not be reached for comment. Mrs. Bond said of her husband, “He’s recovering from injuries he got at the beach house in the dark. They told him to search for the lock box. He felt beneath every windowsill and railing—he got splinters. My husband was injured after stepping beyond the deck in a four-foot-drop off. He banged his head on the railing and pulled his groin. It destroyed—destroyed I tell you—our weekend getaway. We’d been hoping to reconcile our marriage.”

When called for comment, Bald Head Island Homes Manager Angie Waters claimed to never have even heard of the Bonds. She said, “I have many clients; the details of the incident are quite vague at this time.”

As soon as the couple is released from jail and hospital, respectively, the Bonds plan to sue for pain, suffering, and damage to their sex life. Additionally, both the harbormaster and the dock services company plan to sue the Bonds for property damage. The homeowners, Joan and Jonah Switzerland of Belly of the Whale #12, remain silent about the cart theft from their ocean hideaway and all other matters related to this incident.

In a final ironic twist to the story, the Bonds’ lawyer Parker Stephenson added, “Though originally hired by Mrs. Bond to begin separation proceedings, I am now representing both Bonds in this case.”

In a follow-up phone call to the prison, Mrs. Bond confirmed that the couple has indeed dropped the separation proceedings and bonded over this weekend fiasco, rekindling their 27-year marriage.

Maureen Sherbondy's work has appeared in The Cortland Review, Amethyst, European Judaism, Calyx, and other places. Dancing with Dali will be published by FutureCycle Books in 2020. Maureen teaches at a community college in North Carolina. She lives in Durham, North Carolina.