Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Partner Rape

Daily Archives: August 11, 2018

The Gorilla in the Cage I wrote about previously here and I have much more the share now. I can see the gorilla more clearly now. It’s a manifestation of my childhood rage. I didn’t know how to express. At 3 years old you are just fucking mad, right? Now imagine a 3 years old was severely abused and almost killed but had to repress that rage and keep it there for years. Over 3 decades. Blinding anger that can lash out. That’s why I locked up this part of myself because I was afraid of it. I was afraid that anger would hurt the people that mattered to me. Since I have this annoying respect and love for all people that meant locking up this rage from everyone else as well. I unfairly thought I was a bad thing and needed to be locked away. I felt if I ever let it out that I would not be able to put it back in the cage. It would then run a muck, smash all the things, kill all the bad guys, and I’d be in jail or dead as well. I’m still living a very watered down and restrained form of myself.

While blanking out this morning(yep, lost the whole fucking morning since 7am) I had the epiphany that it was not a big scary thing I had locked up but a very sad part of myself that just doesn’t know how to not just be so angry. I get angry now and I vent but not like this. This is the part no one sees but me. It’s interwoven in the fabric of my being now and I can no longer deny it. I have to make friends with it! I can visually do a lot of things in my mind that will help me. Like now, I’m imagining taking off all the restraints and apologizing to the gorilla. It can tear me apart. I trust it won’t. If it does, I will rebuild.

Turns out the Gorilla just wants to be heard and only looks so angry because of the great burden of sadness it has been locked inside the cage with for 35 years. Did I mention that anger is sad’s bodyguard? I opened the cage and took off the shackles expecting to find a rage that would consume me. Instead I found a wealth of sadness. Soul crushing sadness that shakes the walls and feels like the ground will fall away under my feet. My brain was right, I wasn’t ready for this part yet. Not until now.

I’m not going to lock up this part of myself anymore. I’m going to live and walk with it. I need this gorilla. I’m going to put it where it belongs, integrated into myself one step at a time. I am not a bad thing and neither is this gorilla. Boops it’s nose! I no longer hide for the comfort of abusers.