Monday, January 3, 2011

An Epic Wave of Frustration

I am currently on break from my classes at school, which is good, because I have a shitload of homework to do, but also, because I am stressing about a million different things right now, and it's hard to make my brain focus on Real Estate projects when I owe out thousands and thousands of dollars that I don't have to roughly one million people. I will probably never own my own home (unless I marry rich) so fuck all these fake bastards that have 2 or 3.

My other major issue is court. I'm in a stupid battle for something I already have, that no one should be able to take away from me in the first place. But..I won't go into details..this isn't WikiLeaks.

I am working part time, I am going to school, I have a child, and among other things...I am being pulled in what feels like a million directions, with little thoughts bubbles surrounding me, and everyone in the yelling. Grades up, attendance up, tuition paid, go to work, raise your son, keep your home life happy, be faithful, be honest, be true,be all you can be. FUCK THAT. How do people manage to keep themselves going and not burn out from all that life throws at you??

I have been through worse. I beat a crippling addiction, and a life on the streets. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy child, and a nice home. I work hard, I try to be decent. I know that I'm moody, and sometimes I'm hard to live with..but who wouldn't be? I dare someone to walk in my shoes, and tell me that you can do a better job, after the life that I led, and the way I abused the world around me, and grow to be a strong and independant healthy adult.

I know that things are going to work out, but the stress of money is almost overwhelming. I can make it. I am determined. My child deserves everything life can offer, and I will be the one to provide it to him.

I'm not sure where this all came from, but I'm tired, and I need to go to bed.

1 comment:

You are an amazing woman who has overcome amazing odds in life. I know it seems like you keep getting a raw deal over and over, but when that happens, you also get to see how much your friends and family love you and want to help you.

I understand what it's like to worry about money and life and responsibilities and kids and where the rent will come from and how I'm going to feed my family...I've walked your path before Ashley. I think it's important that you know that. What keeps a person going is hard to pinpoint...it's different for everyone.

For me, I kept going because there just wasn't any other option. You and your brother deserved more that I was able to give you, so I knew that's when I needed to really turn my life around, to make things good for you and him. It wasn't easy and God knows we had a lot of ugly moments, but you just toughen up and push through.

You are going to be able to look back at this time in your life and really see how fabulously you managed everything. You can't always see it in the middle of the mess, but you will understand in time that you did the best you could with what you had. Sound familiar?

I love you. I am amazed by you. I am in awe of you and all you've done. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up hope.