Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Michael said he loved me 6 times last night. I believe him. And even though I replied with the obligatory "I love you too," I just can't let myself get lost in him again.

As it is right now, I'm a conquest for him. He says he'll never be as happy with anyone else as he once was with me. I believe that's too naive a thought for such an intelligent boy. A boy is what he is which adds to my nonverbal displeasure with him. I'm simply not attracted to boys anymore.

Aside from my relationships I feel much calmer. And very much like myself. I'm entering two private business ventures, city life and the quaint restaurants around my house are irresistible. And I turned 22 last week. I'm satisfied with this present situation as a launching pad for my future.

Lately under introspection, I've began to notice my pessimistic nature. How I never see good coming out of any situation. I anticipate the most horrifying outcomes; which can be a little scary. And this fear forces me to do my absolute best. But it can't possibly be good for my health. Being scared all the time is stressful! I suppose my perfectionism is the underlying cause of it all. Feeling my actual self isn't good enough for anyone, including myself.