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"A Perfect Work of Art"
- January 29

We open day 10 of Wickedly Perfect in the kitchen at the
estate. Members of both teams are acting all
lovey-dovey. Mitch "made some HOT biscuits like momma
used to make," apparently trying to fill the obvious
void created when Mychael (the only one who could cook
worth a damn) was voted out. He publicly claims to have
hated sending Mychael home, but immediately contradicts
himself in a private conversation with the camera,
pointing out that he never wanted to go up against her
in the kitchen. [Maybe he never wanted to "go up against
her" anywhere  wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I
mean?]

Joan Lunden walks in wearing a truly hideous spangled
shawl. She announces that the next competition will
"challenge the artist in each of you". Joan's new friend
is Alease Fisher, an art patron and a member of the
board of directors for the Bruce Art Museum. Despite the
awkward spelling of her name, Alease speaks well  in
fact, she speaks too well, as she gives an obviously
rehearsed speech, remembering to always smile like her
pageant coach used to remind her. It seems that the
following evening is the season opening at the Bruce
Museum in Greenwich, CT, and the teams' services are to
be engaged to provide the entertainment. [Apparently,
Alease has not seen the ratings for this TV show!]
Darlene then gives her signature over-the-top reaction
shot.

Joan explains further that the teams will be creating "a
living work of art," using props, costumes, a life-size
frame, and at least 3 team members as part of their
"living tableaux". They will be judged on costumes, at
least one of which needs to be made from scratch, the
frame, and the overall concept and execution of the art.
The art museum opening is supposed to be a masquerade
ball, so the individual projects are to create original
masks. The teams have 36 hours and $1500 to complete
their projects. The remaining female Crafty Beavers
(Heather and Amy) are very excited, while Darlene
shouts, "I'm shaking!," since they finally have projects
close to their self-professed areas of excellence.

Team Artisan huddles to brainstorm. Darlene is thinking
of a "Sunday in the Park with George" format, while
Margo suggests a "Phases in the Life of a Woman" theme
[which seems to be a back-handed dig at the younger team
members. Margo is too young still to be experiencing
menopause, isn't she?] Dawn says something stupid and
useless. Kimberly can't seem to stand even being in
Margo's presence, and explains that she thinks Margo has
been too pushy. Margo suggests to the camera that she is
invisible, since nobody is listening to her ideas. [Come
again, Margo. If you're invisible, they can't see you,
but they can still hear you.]

Time for some Beaver action: Amy says that she's "a
painter, an artist, I teach art," and is excited about
being team leader. She envisions something with a
"Moulin Rouge" theme. When the camera next shows Mitch,
for some inexplicable reason the text on the screen says
he is Margo from Team Artisan [good editing job there].
Tim talks to the camera next. Earlier in the day Tim was
wearing a baseball cap at a jaunty angle, which was bad
enough; but now he is wearing a knit ski-cap with a
carpenter's pencil sticking out of it. Then he boldly
proclaims that he is a transsexual er that he will play
a transsexual in the living art thingy. He'll be wearing
make-up and earrings, but be "dressed" in a tuxedo
painted onto his body. [Oh Tim! We all thought you were
heterosexual. Why are you mocking us like this?]

Denise is concerned that the challenge is turning into a
sorority skit. Dawn and Darlene seem excited about a
"Girl Time!" theme, but Margo is unfazed. Heather, the
fashion designer who is finally getting her chance to
shine, and Amy go shopping.

Mitch and Tim bicker in the craft room about size
issues frame-size issues, that is. Mitch doubts whether
Tim has any hidden talents, because he certainly hasn't
shown much of anything so far. Tim starts a childish
chant: "I feel lucky. This is what I do. Happy go lucky.
This is what I do. I cut wood with Mitch, and pretty
soon I'll crew[?]. Hey!," while dancing a little jig.
[The whole thing is very embarrassing to watch.]

Darlene and Kimberly go to the fabric store. Darlene is
obviously in her element, and Kimberly gets out of the
way. On the way back to the estate, Kimberly calls dibs
on making the frame, and then bitches about Margo some
more. They return to the craft room to find that Margo
has started making the frame. [Ooh! The fur is really
going to fly now.] Kimberly starts criticizing the way
the frame has been constructed so far, and then starts
removing the staples that were holding the pieces
together. She does have a much better way of
constructing the frame with "pocket screws", but doesn't
handle the issue very politically. Then she bitches
about Margo again and gives the game-plan for the frame
to the team: papier mache with an antiqued gold finish.
Kimberly finishes her woodworking early and asks the
teacher if it is OK for her to go outside and play, or
at least work on her personal project.

Mitch obsesses over the wire frame for his mask, while
spouting some nonsense about team vs. personal project
strategy. Working on their masks, Dawn and Kimberly then
pretty much agree that the Crafty Beavers are more
talented at this kind of thing. The Beavers work out
their schtick with the frame, and Team Artisan keeps
sewing. Heather sews and Amy paints, while Mitch
continues on his gaudy personal mask that looks like a
black bird exploding on your head. When Mitch asks for
some advice with his mask, Amy says, "You're done. No,
you're done." So then he brings it over to show-off to
Team Artisan, trying to undermine their confidence. Dawn
asks if he did this to make them feel like "dog poo".
[If you need to ask, Dawn, then I fear you will never
understand. Of course he did it to make you feel like
dog poo.]

In the early morning, Margo picks up the frame and moves
it across the lawn. Margo now gets to bitch about
Kimberly never finishing the projects she starts. Margo
philosophizes: "Did you ever have a piece of thread on a
fine garment, that if you pull it it just makes it
worse, so you need to leave it and just unravel itself?
Well guess what? Kimberly is a thread in my silk
garment, and I'm going to leave it to unravel herself. I
don't have time for the drama."

Everyone is rushing to finish their personal projects.
Margo's is based on an artist's canvas, rather than a
Mardi Gras-style mask with feathers like most of the
others. Heather's is one of those feather concoctions
that is supposed to be a flame, or a flower, or
whatever. Tim's is supposed to represent
manic-depression. Amy's is a goofy, comic-book cartoon
face of a girl.

Tim starts to do push-ups, apparently believing that he
can tone his body in just a few minutes. This is in
preparation for getting a tuxedo painted onto him. He
cries out, "Oh dear God!" as Amy paints his nipples.
[Really! I'm not making this crap up!] Mitch likes what
he sees and claims that Amy is brilliant, and he won't
vote her off tonight. [Mystic foreshadowing?] When
they're done, the body-tuxedo looks really good.

Team Artisan realizes they don't have time to style
their hair. Dawn puts her hair up in a French Twist,
while Kimberly and Margo similarly forgo wearing
period-style hair. Will this come back to haunt them?
Cue scary music.

Heather paints her face. She has eyelashes painted on
her face, yet coats on the mascara.

Dawn comes out dressed in her milkmaid costume. She
comments sarcastically that having 70 yards of fabric
surrounding her hips is every girl's dream, probably the
only intelligent thing that she will say all season.
While tarting herself up, Darlene in voiceover says, "My
contribution is the visual aesthetic of the backdrop and
the three costumes. If this doesn't come off as planned,
the burden will fall on me."

At the Bruce Art Museum the masquerade ball is just
that, a masquerade, since nobody is wearing masquerade
costumes. The judges include Candace, David and taking
the place of Bobby Flay, who apparently has abandoned
this sinking ship of a TV show, Bozo the Clown, uh, I
mean Patricia Field, whose claim to fame is being the
person who tarted up the women of "Sex in the City."
Field has a color of hair previously only seen in
animated movies; it's truly heinous, and she is going to
judge people? Judge, judge thyself.

Joan, channeling Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria', is
wearing an oddly spangled black ensemble and slicked
back hair as she introduces the teams.

Team Artisan presents "Women Through the Ages." As
Denise predicted, their tableaux is a sorority skit.
They are dressed in mid-Nineteenth Century garb, with
completely anachronistic modern-styled hair. Kimberly
wears a wristwatch, similar to several slave soldier
extras in the movie "Spartacus". They pretend to
properly sip tea. Candace, whose judgement may or may
not have been impaired by the use of illicit
pharmaceuticals, loudly exclaims that their presentation
is "great." Next, the women put whisky in their teacups,
drawing laughs from the audience. They play cards;
thankfully, not strip poker. Dawn, who bears an uncanny
resemblance to Monica Lewinsky, then pulls a cigar from
under her skirt and the women smoke it. They get a
smattering of applause.

The Beavers present "Pop Art Cabaret", an homage to the
works of Toulouse-Lautrec, Andy Warhol, and Lichtenstein
(the artist, not the country). The audience audibly "Oohed"
when their tableaux was revealed. The Beavers pose and
pretended to party, but after a while the audience
seemed a bit uncomfortable because nothing much was
happening.

Candace asks about influences, and specifically what
time period "Women Through the Ages" was supposed to
depict. Dawn, reverting to her usual state of inanity,
says, yeah mid 1800's to late 1800's. [Way to be
specific, Dawn. You go, girl!] David wonders why Denise
and Margo aren't in the frame and they say that the
frame wasn't big enough for five. Kimberly gets into a
hissy fit when Margo honestly explained what she had
done, taking credit for her contributions to the frame
and other items. [What did Denise do again? I don't
know.]

The museum patrons clap when this car wreck, er,
spectable ends, no doubt pleased that they can go back
to sniffing coke lines off the bathroom sink with
Candace.

Cat fight alert. Kimberly gets upset at Margo for daring
to say what she had done to the frame. Kimberly, getting
in Margo's face, says that Margo gets in people's faces.
[Ahem. Kettle, you are black.] In a flurry of trite
metaphors, Kimberly says to Margo "You are a snake, and
the gloves are off " Cue Darlene's reaction shot. Denise
is silent, no doubt wondering how she can escape this
team of losers. Just in case the viewers didn't realize
that this was a cat-fight, the producers edited in the
sounds of a screaming cat.

It's time for the "critique." Joan walks in wearing a
lacy "mother-of-the-bride" outfit the color of turds.

David addresses Team Artisan and tells them that he
enjoyed the storyline. He says that the hair and makeup,
though, really bothered him. Darlene says that they ran
out of time. David says that when you get to "this
level" [the seventh circle of hell, maybe?] you need to
make the time. Candace wants to know about the origins
of the story. Dawn, revealing her complete lack of art
history education, vomits up the rambling innards of her
psychosis: something about seeing pictures in her head.
[You know, that's nothing a little Haldol can't cure.]
Candace says that they need to make specific references.
Bozo, er Patricia, wants to know if all of the costumes
were sewn by the group. They were, except for the
anachronistic capelet that Kimberly was wearing, no
doubt to accessorize her anachronistic wristwatch.

David addresses the Beavers. He says that he loved the
color and light and mood. He says it was "eye candy" and
he couldn't get enough of it. Candace wants to know why
there wasn't a story. Amy says that their tableaux was a
"snapshot" of a party where anything could happen,
improvising was part of the art. Candace says that
audience felt uncomfortable. Tim takes credit for the
frame. Patricia says that the color of the frame was
wrong. The Beavers meekly agree.

The judges deliberate. Patricia says that the Beavers
were imaginative and surreal. Candace says that the
Beavers didn't quite meet their own goals. Patricia, who
may have a frame fetish, says that Artisan's frame
related better to their painting. David says that he
couldn't get past the hair and makeup of Artisan.
Candace says that once again it is a battle of style
over substance. Flash over deep waters. [insert other
cliches here]

Amy says that the competition is between a team of
really creative people [the Beavers] versus a team of
housewives. "Anyone can do what the Artisans are doing.
Nothing they do is special." [But we all know what a
group of "Desparate Housewives" can do, don't we?]

The judges award the victory to Team Artisan as a
shocked group of Beavers look on.

Joan discusses the individual projects. The judges mock
Heather and Mitch's masks. They think that Amy's mask is
cute, and David really likes Mitch's spider mask.
Patricia says that Mitch's mask is ugly, while he shakes
his head in disbelief and denial. The judges say that
they do not like Tim and Heather's masks.

Darlene, doing her typical Darlene thing, goes up into
her room and squeals. Kimberly says that she and Margo
have tension, but all is OK since they won.

Mitch says that there is no reason to be critical or
judge. [He obviously doesn't understand that the role of
a judge is to judge.] He says that he would like to say
that Patricia's hair isn't all that pretty, but doesn't.
[An obvious oxymoron] Mitch says that he takes things
personally. Amy says that she came to be with the best
and she doesn't understand why it is not being rewarded.

Cue the rock garden and the walk of shame. Joan Lunden,
now channeling David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust in a black
sequined outfit, welcomes the Beavers. Patricia, wearing
a yellow clown outfit [I am not making this up] nods
stoicly as Joan talks about what a difficult decision
the judges had to make.

Mitch, acting like a spoiled baby, wants to address the
judges. He says to Patricia that her comment about his
mask wasn't very professional. Patricia says that he is
"flash" but not "content." Candace says that creative
people criticize people all of the time and that you
have to use criticism as a means of rising to another
level. [Doesn't Candace yet realize, none of these
contestants are rising to any level? Doesn't Mitch
realize that these B- and C-list celebrity judges
already have a foot in the door of appearing on "The
Surreal Life" and are hoping that a midget won't pee on
them?]

Tim demonstrates that he does not understand mathematics
and says that if his team keeps him, he will give "110%"
to them. Basically, he promises to be their bitch if
they keep him on. Heather says that she is proud of the
team and she would like to stay on the team.

Mitch says that nobody deserves to go home, but votes
for "Tim". Amy wants the best to stay, so she votes to
kick off "Tim". Tim hugs Heather, then Mitch and Amy,
telling them that he has nothing but love for them. Joan
states the obvious, saying the Heather is safe.

Over the closing credits, Tim rambles on about how he
had given out 120%. Now we understand why he was voted
off; he was going from 120% down to 110% of effort. It
all makes sense now.

Next week, if there is a next week:
The teams take over a Bed and Breakfast and it's
"anything but quaint." Margo is seen crying, while Bobby
Flay complains about a lack of service, while Kimberly
and Dawn are feeding each other in the kitchen.

Here's a link to instructions for making Tim's
pathetic mask [your results may vary]