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At 23 posts I suppose it’s about that time I share my “coming out” story with my readers. My apologies for my lack of posting (if anyone cares). I’ve been a tad busy trying to be a real adult, which is rather challenging… And my apologies for how wordy and unnecessary the following stories will seem:

I consider myself quite fortunate to be one of those lesbians who subconsciously knew she was different at about age 10. I recall chasing girls around the playground and wanting to hold their hands much more than the boys; and that didn’t seem strange or abnormal to me at all. I just knew that it was girls who made my stomach do backflips, and it felt good, and I wanted more. To this day I still remember the girl that stole my heart at the jungle gym. She’s married now (holy shit I must be old. 23 isn’t old), but even still when people ask me when did I know I was gay, I always mention her and my heart flickers a bit because she’s the one that started it all.

In 8th grade when girls started to experiment with boys and talk about them all the time I remember participating in conversations but I felt disconnected. But like every year of my life it seems, there was a girl I had a crush on and we had this (what I thought) was an unspoken attraction. I didn’t know what we had and I was probably misinterpreting everything per usual, but there was a reason I cried the day she moved and I never saw her again. Such a sap I am. In between her was another crush on someone who used to be my best friend (I know we were 2 way crushin’ on the first girl) and we played softball together. GO FIGURE. All the attractive and cool guys wanted her and she eventually picked one of them to be her long term boyfriend. I was devastated especially because I thought we had some weird unspoken attraction as well. I’m hardly wrong about those unspoken attractions. Fast forward a few years and what do you know she’s dating a woman and they’re still together to this day! All the while with these crushes, my ultimate crush was on this “gothic” beauty Amy Lee from Evanescence.

If you took a peep at all of my notebooks and binders from 7th grade though High School there was a 96% chance that Evanescence symbol would be scribbled somewhere. This woman was the first significant female celebrity crush I had. I owned every poster, magazine cover and article, CD, saw her in concert, and even had some autographed concert tickets and a belt buckle she apparently wore during one of her concerts. Needless to say I was completely obsessed. Fast forward to the latter days of High School and I was ready to come out to my friends.

The great thing about my High School friends (who are still my good friends) is that they were and still are the forward thinkers, the intellectuals, and the “hippies” so to speak. I couldn’t ask for better friends. I told different groups of friends at different times and they all had the same reaction: Explosive laughter and a bunch of “we’ve always knowns.” What a relief. I knew they would react that way but your first time coming out to meaningful people is difficult. Fast forward to my freshman year of University and I was ready to come out to my parents. *cue foreboding music*

Ah yes, the dreaded coming out to your parents. What a stressful and anxiety ridden period. Before I came out I bought Chaz Bono’s (then Chastity) book Family Outing: A GUIDE TO THE COMING-OUT PROCESS FOR GAYS, LESBIANS AND THEIR FAMILIES and studied the pages as if I had finals that week. Once I felt confident enough in myself with the backing up friends and my roommates, I plotted my plan (I’m so grateful for the friends I made at University because they really helped me through a lot and I truly could not ask for better confidants). I decided the best way to communicate with my parents would be to write two heartfelt letters because I wanted to make sure I was as thorough and clear as possible. My parents are divorced so I had to do this twice. I strategically gave my dad his letter a couple hours before he left for a week long vacation. Mind you it took me at least an hour to build up the courage and hand it to him before I ran away and buried my head under pillows. He read it, cried, hugged me, and apologized for making gay jokes in the past and proceeded to explain to me the kind of environment he grew up in and their opinions on gay people. I eventually gave him the Chaz Bono book and he still has it in his desk drawer. I’m unsure if he ever read it or not. Overall I think it was a pretty successful coming out. Although I was told a year or so down the road that he thought I was going through a phase. That was about five years ago and surprise I’m still falling in love with ladies. Giving my mom the letter was much easier. I stopped by her house when she wasn’t there and left the letter in one of her drawers. I called her and asked if she got it and of course she didn’t because I put it in the one drawer she never looks in. After she read it she called and laughed at me saying she’s known since I was in 6th grade. Who knew?! She then called the local PFLAG organization and had a conversation for whatever reason. Coming out to my mom was a success as well. I’m sure there were some feelings of sadness because I am her only daughter and you guys know how moms are.

At 23 years old I have the joy of saying I’ve never been rejected by any family members or friends. At least not explicitly rejected. My parents and I have never talked about my sexual orientation since I gave them the letters, which is understandable. My family doesn’t really talk about dating or people we’re interested in because we’re all very much our own private entities. Whenever I do have the pleasure of finding a girlfriend I will not hesitate to introduce her to my family.

One thing I didn’t talk about in my story was the depression and void I felt before coming out. I think I touched based on it in my previous post, but if you can imagine it was horrendous. I didn’t even feel like a real person. It was more as if I was watching someone else on a little television with bad reception in a dark room. The closet is truly suffocating and you’ll never be able to start your life until you acknowledge those feelings. It’s one of those clichés that are overwhelmingly truthful. So for anyone that has yet to come out, I highly encourage you to. Seek the right people out if you need help whether it’s a friend or a stranger online. Seek me out. Life is much better on the outside, I promise.

A couple of weeks ago I posted an entry entitled “You Fell In Love With ANOTHER Straight Girl.” Basically it describes my terrible habit of falling in love with straight girls because of reasons I would like to know. Wouldn’t it be great if a consequence of being gay was that you could only fall in love with other lesbians? Actually that might be terrible because some people just fall in love with the person and you could miss out on a chance with a girl that only currently identifies as straight. But I digress… As mentioned in the previous entry, I have fallen in love (or whatever it was) with more than my fair share of straight girls. While I admit I am the type of person that falls quickly, I think the feelings I developed for these girls were not completely uninfluenced. My feelings grew stronger overtime because in one way or another, I think, these girls reacted positively to my advances.

But recently, one of those said straight girls (who is now one of my best friends) told me why I attract so many straight girls. To put it simply, she said that she and other (straight) girls didn’t see me as someone of the same gender, but more as my own species. In other words, those girls were never attracted to other girls, just me. The first thing I did was smile because what an ego boost. The second thing I did was frown because if they were attracted to me in some way, why couldn’t they admit it or just take a chance with me for my own sanity? Obviously I understand why none of them ever took the chance because a decision like that could potentially shift their lives and it’s difficult to coast out of your comfort zone. If I ever found myself becoming attracted to a man I would most likely be hesitant as well. I say “most likely” because even though something is out of my comfort zone, there is always a high probability of me expressing my emotions.

With this said, was it fair for these girls to express any kind of interest beyond a platonic friendship with me? In principle, hell no. No one likes to be an experiment and the toll each girl has taken on me has been pretty severe. However, I’ve learned from them what I like and dislike and what I deserve. I also appreciate them taking the time to explore their sexualities in the most passive way possible, even if I was at the expense at some point in time. Whenever I can help someone find their path in life I am all for doing.

I hope my grey relationships with self-identifying heterosexual women are coming to a close; and if there are heterosexual women out there who are genuinely curious about their sexuality and want to experiment here are a few tips you can follow:

First and foremost make damn sure you clearly communicate what your intentions are with the lesbian subject.

If you didn’t expect to become attracted to the lesbian subject and you kiss them, and then kiss them again on more than one occasion it is not okay to brush those interactions under the rug.

If the lesbian subject starts to show signs of attachment and you’re not at that level with her, let her know.

Don’t get angry with lesbian subject if she gets angry with you for talking to guys because you have yet to communicate with her.

Don’t be an asshole.

If this is a close friend, know that you are putting your friendship on the line.

Try as best as you can to match up your actions and your words… i.e. Don’t continuously have physical contact and spend absurd amounts of time with each other and ultimately tell her you’re just friends. That’s mean.

While I may seem bitter over straight women, I still believe that lesbians and previously identifying straight women are capable of falling for each other just like lesbians are capable of falling for men. In fact…

Just love who you love damn it. Don’t be afraid to jump. You never know what could happen.

Ah… The L Word, we meet again. The show was so perfect because it really made an effort to address essentially all issues pertaining to lesbians no matter how farfetched the plot eventually became. Dana hits the nail on the head sharing with Tina her frustrating and repetitive habit of being attracted to straight girls. I, Dana Fairbanks, am all too familiar with that activity. In fact, it’s largely all I’ve ever known… Going through this event is a rite of passage of sorts for baby dykes, but for me it’s no longer a rite of passage but expected occurrence.

If I could be psychic and warn my future self not to gain any feelings or attachments to particular girls, I would. But alas I have no special powers and am constantly left to slowly drown in heartbreak followed by feeling like a complete and utter moron for being falsely seduced by straight girls. Is it my fault? I suppose some of the blame can be put on me but then again, can you really help who you fall for?

If my numbers are correct, my count of “straight girls I have fallen for/all have had some physical contact with me” is currently too high for my liking. How does this happen? Generally, it begins as a friendship like most relationships, but feelings ultimately evolve as the two get closer and someone does or says something that is outside what is considered the platonic realm. I know women tend to be more nurturing and emotional creatures so it is not too strange for female friendships to be more intimate than male friendships. But it’s a whole different softball game when one member of the friendship is attracted to the same sex. I don’t know how I find these girls or how they find me, but ever since 8th grade I’ve managed to befriend a girl who identifies as straight but ends up locking lips with me on more than one occasion along with confessing, in one way or another, their (not-so-sounding-platonic) love for me. When I’m attracted to someone I let them know by my actions and words, even if it’s a girl who generally dates men ( I CAN’T HELP IT). I think it’s up to them to sit your ass down and be like “Look… I love you you big dyke. But I’m not into you like that.” The earlier that conversation happens the better because you can begin the healing process and possibly get back to being just good friends. Thankfully, all of my straight mistakes learning experiences have done that for me even if it was much too late in the friendship and after multiple times of embracing each other with our lips and cuddling.

The most difficult part of getting past the “I’ve fallen for a straight girl and can’t get up” is believing them when they say they’re straight. It doesn’t matter how many times they kiss you, how many times they cuddle with you, how many gifts they give you, how many times they tell you things remind them of you… THEY ARE STRAIGHT. Or maybe they aren’t straight but don’t feel comfortable labeling themselves as anything else but straight (labels are for cans) because the whole situation is new and different for them. In that case it’s not up to you to force them into something they’re not ready to address in their lives. The second most difficult part of moving on is moving on. How do you get past someone you felt so deeply for? I’m the wrong person to ask because when I decide I like someone, I like them long past the expiration date. Writing, crying, reading, playing (guitar) and talking to friends have all helped me with the healing process. When all else fails… watch a Hannah Hart video. This one in particular:

Hannah says it best I think. Someone will eventually come along and think everything you do is super duper cute and they’ll reciprocate the feelings you have for them 100% and not just half the time. I know it’s hard but you just have to be patient and know that there is nothing wrong with you because you were rejected by a straight girl.