Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Because Amy radiates. She is a wonderful, beautiful woman with an inner life that shines so brightly that she radiates love and happiness. Children see her radiance coming toward them and are drawn as if she were an Angel. Animals sense her radiance and flock to her like she was Snow White: the most fearsome mongrels wag their tails and come to her; even the shyest dogs, the ones who have seldom known a caring hand, are quickly drawn to her. In any neighborhood we've lived in, children and animals orbit Amy as if she was an ephemeral center of their universe. When I see how the natural world responds to her I am humbled; I feel a cold frost of my selfish self emanating from my shoulders, an invisible hand pushing back those same children, those same animals that instantaneously sense the verity of Amy's inner beauty. In tune with the true soul the things they are as repulsed by me as they are drawn to her. I am reminded of how we are so, so different: she is Aphrodite and I, Pan.

Because Amy is music... She has the best sense of music, both classical and modern. I thought that I knew the true masters of the music arts: Bach, Mozart, Tchaikovsky. But through her innate understanding of Music, and the exposure that she has given me of Grieg and Mendelssohn, I see that my understanding of music is as a child grasping at the melodies of the Nutcracker. At the same time her taste in modern music is so cool, so logical that she constantly amazes and delights me with what is going on "out there." She made a Bjork CD, and chose the play list in a perfect order that fascinates and inspires me endlessly. Many a night I spent feeding and calming and rocking little Casey in the early days, always listening to her Bjork CD. I feel it is such a part of me now that I want the CD placed in my casket with me when I shuffle off the mortal coil so I can listen to its calm and nourishing melodies until we are rejoined.

Because Amy is fun. She always places fun first and knows that recreation and relaxation have an importance of an almost unspoken priority. She knows we can have fun just being at home, just being together, getting' crazy or making cookies or watching scary movies and eating popcorn. Roller coasters? She's all for it. When we lived on Lake retreat, I'd come home early to find her waiting for me, swimming in the middle of the lake: once, when I swam out there, I found that she had no clothes on! Now that's fun!

Because Amy is beautiful. She is the exception to the rule that beauty is only skin deep. Perhaps her inner beauty shines through to make her outer self beautiful. Her beauty shocks me sometimes and catches me off guard. I find myself watching her through a window and savoring her movements. When I look at little Casey, though people say he looks like me I never see it. I only see her beauty reflected in him. Ever since we've been together, Amy has turned the heads of men, young and old. It has never bothered me, because I know she turned my head too. When I very first saw her, I was 20 and she was 16. Our eyes met across the room and she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. It was a moment of knowing beauty on a natural level, conscious and unconscious. Was my expression hiding the feelings of awe and desire that I think I see in others when she's around now? Amy's eyes are huge liquid pools that threaten to draw you into their pure embrace. Her smile is like the sun: faces turn like flowers to meet it.

Because Amy is the coolest. She likes the same things I like. She plays the games I play. She knows when something is cool and when its not, far better than I do. Whenever any one says "cool shirt, where'd you get it?" I can only say "My wife got it for me." She has almost the same twisted sense of humor that I do. She laughs at my jokes and giggles when I'm funny. Her shrieks when I tickle her only make me want to tickle her more.

Because Amy sees something in me. All that I've said above are truer words than I've ever spoken. Yet the way I treat her would lead you to brand me a liar. In truth, in the light of day I somehow forget all these wonderful things about Amy and its only after reflection, when I'm alone do I realize how incredible she is. And yet when we're together I can somehow never tell her how I feel. Maybe I have to forget them, or I would quit my job and instead build a temple for her, my Aphrodite. I'd invite all the children whose lives she's touched and all the animals that love her.

Why, Amy? I have to wonder why Amy is with me. Sometimes I think she senses how much better and truer a person she is than me, exuberant on the outside, but only automata on the inside, yet she still stays with me. Since she knows what is good and what isn't and she has an instinct for the value of things and people that is unsurpassed, I will trust her judgment that I have worth. Both now and in the future.