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June 23, 2007

And then there were three.

My baby is gone. I still can't believe it.

On Tuesday night, Mike and I were playing with the cats when we noticed that the pupil in Piper's right eye was bigger than her left, so the next morning I took her into see the vet. They poked and prodded her. Looked at her eye for a long time and told me to come back next week for a recheck because they were pretty sure it was glaucoma.

She seemed to be fine except for being a little tired until Friday morning when we noticed she was breathing hard. I chalked it up to her eye hurting, but by that afternoon she was breathing so hard we took her back to vet. They listened to her chest and heart for a while before asking us if they could take an x-ray. When the x-ray came back, it was bad news. Her entire chest cavity was filled with fluid, her heart was enlarged, and she had a mass in her chest. The diagnosis was Lymphoma, and the prognosis was she would be dead by Monday. I completely lost all composure and started sobbing hysterically and dry heaving in front of everyone.

We were then posed with two choices: Let her die of slow suffocation over the weekend, or put her to sleep now.

It was so hard. So much harder than the choice we had to make with Romee. Not that it was easy, but he was barely conscious and was almost completely unaware of what was happening around him. Piper was awake and alert. Making noise, giving kisses, purring, trying to wiggle free and explore. She seemed so full of life. I always thought we'd have more time together. I imagined her getting to experience snow for the first time, being there when we brought our first child home, getting to meet mom's dog...She would have loved Maggie. So many things that I thought she would be there for.

We took a long time with her. Trying to soak up as much love as we could. And then the vet scooped her up and took her away. She looked back at me as they were leaving, and my heart breaks every time I picture it in my mind. I hope that she knows we didn't want to make this choice, but we couldn't have bared to see her die in agony. I hope she knows that we loved her so much and that we would have done anything to make her well again. And I hope she knows that she will always be in our hearts. She made such a difference in our lives. She helped us through some of the hardest things we have ever gone through, and she was a blessing to everyone who met her.

I just can't believe she's gone. She was fine on Monday! She was so full of life. I feel like I want to scream. She was my baby! It was my job to protect her and keep her safe, and I couldn't. Not only could I not protect her, but I had to make the decision to end her life. This morning I pulled out to dishes to give them food and started calling for her to come eat. I've almost called out, "Pippa! Where are you bunny?" about a million times. I miss her so much sometimes I can scarcely breathe.

Mike and Casp are taking it really hard. She was Mike's kitty. She adored him. She greeted him everyday after work, brought him her toys, cuddled with him and slept wrapped around his feet. I don't think Caspian actually remembers life before living with us, so he's taking it especially hard. He misses her some thing fierce and has been searching the house endlessly.

I apologize for this post being poorly constructed. I just don't have it in me right now to be creative. I need some more time. There will be a memorial post for Piper though. I just have so much to say right now, but all words seem inadequate to express how I feel.

We are so blessed by all of the support and prayers being poured out by all of you. I can't even begin to thank you enough.

Comments

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never been to your blog before (this was posted at the cat blogosphere) and don't know you. I do know what this kind of loss is though and it's hard. Sometimes harder than the loss of a human relative. They depend on us, they love us unconditionally and in the end the only thing we can do is let them go peacefully. Piper is out of pain and has no more suffering but yours is still there and nothing and no one but time can take it away. We pray that your memories will be a salve to your broken heart.

We are so sorry for both your losses. We saw this at the M's. We are puurrrring and purrraying for you. Mom is sad, she lost her kitty the same way and she understands how you feel. Sudden is so much harder. We will keep you in our thoughts.
Be blessed,
Samantha & Tigger

Oh, Katy-girl, I'm so so sorry. I know all too well what this feels like and I wish I could take that pain away for you.

I'll repeat to you what those around me having been saying about our recent pet losses. Piper knew how much you loved her. Really, she did. She was as alive and vibrant even to the end because *that* is how she wanted you to remember her. I didn't know you when you lost Romeo, but I gather he was another pet---and now they are together over the Rainbow Bridge, playing and in full health!

Cry, darling. It's okay. I've got my Maxwell's ashes right here on my desk and I still cry. But don't forget it's okay to laugh, too. It's okay to remember those good times. It's okay if you're the strong one one minute and crying like a baby the next minute. Love Mike. Love Caspian. Love yourself.

Every minute you're alive and remembering her, she's still alive in you. I hope you and Mike (and Caspian) find some peace in her passing.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Grandma and Piper sweetie!!! You've had such a rough week and I sincerely wish there was something I could do or say to take the hurt away. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I know you have many wonderful memories of them both and I hope they'll help ease your sorrow in the days ahead. Huge hugs and love to you!!!

Sigh. I've been through things like this sooo many times, but it never gets any easier. The first time is the worst. They really ARE your babies, and you feel like a failure, I know. This is life, and sometimes it sucks. That's about what it comes down to. Just keep on giving love to every animal you ever have and help each one through the cycle of life. They will sure do the same for you! It took me about two weeks of crying to get to a more comfortable point the last time this happened to me. Take the time...it helps.

I have written this comment 10 times and just don't know how to say it. I know you hurt now, but remember the good times with her and remember she was very lucky to have such wonderful parents and she is in a better place. The Bible tells us that not a sparrow falls from the sky that He does not know about. God just took one very special little kitty home. I love you and am in constant prayer for your healing.
Bub

Hey katy I do not have the words to tell you how sorry I am and that even though she is gone from you right now you will see her ini heaven one day, she will be playing on some clouds. hehe.... K I love you so much and I hope that you and mike feel a little better.
Love,
Dude.

Oh, my heart breaks for you. I know exactly how you are feeling -- I went through something very similar in March 2006 with my beloved Indy. She was just a month shy of her 15th birthday and had been healthy and active until about a week before I had to make THE DECISION. I cried and cried.