Today's Mundy

What kind of gift paper would you like on
these? asked the salesperson. Hanukkah, birthday, Christmas trees,
snowmen, or Kwanzaa?

My word, what a lot of choices. The tasting
platter has hit the holiday retail world.

I'll have some of each, I was tempted to
say. But you can't wrap one present in several different papers.
Unless you're me and it's midnight on Christmas Eve and there go
the last bits of gift wrap. The next few packages will (must) be
adorned with the classified section of this newspaper and tied with
leftover purple yarn from the knitting bag.

While we're discussing choices, please
choose the correct response from the next few
recipients.

1. Oh mother dearest, how charming, how
different this package is. How clever you are, not to mention how
thoughtful and sweet. (Yeah, right. Not.)

2. Waaah. How come he got pretty paper and I
didn't. Waah. This looks like it's ready for recycling. (Which it
very well may be.)

3. (Read this one in a sarcastic tone.)
Typical mom. Runs out of paper so some lucky winner gets a box with
four different papers taped together sideways and the bottom isn't
even covered all the way. Is that typical or what? I'm never gonna
do that to my kids.

4. Hmm. Looks like Santa's up for an 88
Toyota, stereo, air, new tires. Very clean. Runs good. One owner.
Best offer. Call after 5 p.m.

5. Hey, this gift paper overlaps. Turn the
package over. Look at this under Pets. Lost deer. Tame.
Good with children. Low mileage. One owner. Starts in cold weather.
Unique fog lights.

Answers To
Rudolph

Back at the store, the salesperson was
tapping the paper rolls. Ma'am , please tell me which paper you
want.

Let's play Confuse The Receiver, I wanted to
say. Do one with the dreidels, one with the Kwanzaa theme and one
with the Christmas trees. They're all for the same
person.

Oh I don't care which paper you use, I said.
Just use enough. Make sure the box is covered all over.

These days we have too many choices in
everything, including which holidays to celebrate. If I were
running the calendar, it would be against the law for any
individual to celebrate more than one holiday a year. Two at the
most.

You pick the one you like best and stick
with it. Any giftish stuff is entirely optional.

Wrapping paper is even more
optional.

You put the presents in tightly woven nets
which can be used again to carry groceries, or as mosquito
netting.

Or you use banana leaves. Large, flexible,
friendly and you can recycle them as mulch.

Dishtowels are always good. Any children who
may not appreciate dishtowels get presents in plastic bags, also
recyclable.

Why do you think in those antique pictures
of Santa the toys in the sack or around the tree are always naked?
BECAUSE THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS GIFT WRAP. Your family didn't
get to make snide remarks about your gift wrapping style because
there wasn't any, ha ha.

If you were Asian, maybe you wrapped a
special gift in silk and presented it in a wooden box, but
decorative wrapping paper is a relatively recent development, early
20th century.

Each new invention that involves kids is an
exciting new opportunity for them to give their parents a hard time
about it. In fact, every new invention is immediately followed by
those who whine and complain about it. Often
justifiably.

If we could only have one holiday a year I
would choose either Grandparents Day or Halloween. Do you have any
gift paper for The Day of the Giant Pig? I asked the salesperson.
Because that's what we celebrate in our house.

Actually the Giant Pig is my obnoxious
cousin Herman and this season we are celebrating the fact that he
wonít be able to make it to my house.

Speaking of giant pigs, my friend Stephanie
is particularly appalled at the newest trend in greed, the holiday
gift registry. You can now register for your Christmas presents
just the way you do for wedding presents, either at the store
itself or its website. This is so you won't have the bother of
returning that whole slew of pashmina shawls or motorized
scooters.

Such are the problems of
prosperity.

The couple down the street are buying their
baby computer games for his very own laptop. Even though he doesn't
talk much and has yet to completely grasp the concept of Santa
Claus, he's two now and his mom reports he's really improved his
icon skills.

Can't you see the headlines? Weeville
hacker, age 3, convicted of spamming Pentagon files. May be tried
as an adult. Lawyer argues for community service picking up bubble
gum wrappers.

All things considered, my vote for the best
gift wrap is banana leaves. And remember, every vote
counts.

Watch this discussion.Stop watching this discussion.

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Online Poll

In recent weeks, Long Hill Township and Watchung Borough passed ordinances allowing their police departments to be able to apply for surplus equipment from the Department of Defense. Long Hill recently procured a Humvee to use in times of flooding, which Watchung states as the reason they are getting into the program. However, in cities around the country, police forces have used the program to obtain military gear, such as weapons and armor.
For more background, go to the link below
http://www.newjerseyhills.com/echoes-sentinel/news/watchung-police-department-hopes-to-receive-equipment-from-department-of/article_12ad002a-92b3-5449-a2cc-4b2cf0ce4339.html