Tag: fear

February 14, 2018 has turned into another September 11, 2001 for me. I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I first heard the news of each tragic event. With September 11, I was walking through the teacher’s lounge when I heard in passing about a plane hitting a building in New York and caught a glimpse of some video. I didn’t think much of it at the time and went back to my classroom prepared to teach. No teaching happened that day and life how we knew it changed forever.

On February 14 of this year, as I sat in a data chat meeting with my assistant principal, my team, and a few other people, my friend looked at her phone and suddenly gasped. She quickly filled us in on what what happening. Again, I was shaken by the news, but thought (no, I hoped) that it would turn out to be another false alarm, just hearsay, just some rumors being passed around, but it wasn’t. I had another class period to teach so I headed back to my classroom. Again, no teaching happened for the rest of that day as we got word, little by little, about what was unfolding.

But this time it was so different.

This time the news tore me apart in a completely different way. All I could do was pray, pray that my God would comfort those who were hurting, save those who were fighting for their lives, and give me the strength I needed to be strong for those around me, the peace I needed not to succumb to fear.

You see, as a teacher at a school only 15 miles from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, this hit too close to home. Before I could even try to wrap my head around how I was feeling about everything, I was first faced with the task of comforting and consoling my 8th grade students who were frightened and worried that since the gunman was still at large at that time, there was a possibility that he could be heading our way.

“She’s so calm,” was what one of my students commented about my outward demeanor. Inside, I was desperately trying to process everything I was hearing and seeing while not adding to the tension and apprehension that was slowly seeping into my classroom. I had to hold it together for my students. Numerous questions were sent my way. After all, I was the adult in the room, so of course, my students believed that I had all of the answers. We had been placed on a soft lock down as a precaution. This, in turn, caused my students to start asking if their parents could come and pick them up, yet most of them were afraid of leaving the safety of my classroom to even walk outside. At that moment, so much responsibility was put into my hands all while I worried about the safety of my own children. My seven-year-old son was on the same lock down in his aftercare program on my school campus. My older son, was, hopefully, on his way home from his high school on the other side of town.

Anyone who really knows me knows how much I LOVE butterflies. I fell in love with butterflies a few years ago when I had a major change in my life (a much needed change), and, as a result of that change, something within me begin to awaken. I begin to see myself in a new light. Day after day, week after week, month after month, I could feel myself growing, and I came to the happy realization that I would never be the same. It was then that the concept of my becoming a butterfly begin to take shape as well. You see, for the longest I had played it safe, first just going through the motions of life never taking any real risks, never getting out of my comfort zone, and then, once I found the safety of it, staying inside of my cocoon even as the outside world and all of its opportunities constantly beckoned to me. All around me, friends were setting out and doing great things with their lives as I stood on the sidelines watching, applauding, even encouraging them to fulfill their dreams. I knew I wanted more for myself, that my purpose here on earth was so much more than what I was doing, but that stupid thing, that silly, dirty four-letter word, held me back: FEAR.

“For God has not given us the spirit of fear…”

In the back of my mind, this verse, it has always been there, but I always pushed it back, convincing myself that my fear was bigger than me or any help I could get, that my fear would always win, and I would fail. And a failure is something that I was terrified of being. Eventually, I decided that I didn’t want to live like that any more. Did it happen overnight? No, of course not. But slowly I begin to emerge from my cocoon, changing the way I thought, the way I spoke, even changing up my style, and people started to notice and comment on the changes. They liked this new me, and, as I’m sure you have guessed, so did I. I really, really liked her. Little by little, year after year, I emerged from my cocoon transforming into the woman that I am today. Am I where I want to be? Not even close. But I am so proud of the woman that I am now: a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, photographer, teacher, consultant, entrepreneur, writer, and now blogger. And this is just the beginning! Now that I have my wings, I am going to use them to soar to new heights, to go above and beyond anything that I ever imagined for myself.

“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think…”

I used to limit myself to what I could imagine for my life or thought I was even capable of doing, but once I realized what Godcould do and would do for me, things changed. I burst free from my cocoon, renewed in strength and confidence, no longer a slave to fear. Why play it safe when life has so much more to offer? Why fear the unknown when I could miss out on so many beautiful things? I can and will achieve even more; of this, I am certain. Do I still get fearful at times? Of course, but I know that it’s all a trick of the mind, that there’s nothing to fear. This thought has me giddy with excitement about what the future will bring! That’s why I choose to surround myself with positive, motivating people and read encouraging, thought-provoking books (more about these people and books in future blogs) that challenge me to be my best self, to grow, to try new things, to believe in myself. Thank you, God, for allowing me to break free. I know the best is yet to come!