I'm glad I found this place

Hi, everyone. I'm 33, female, and live in Washington, DC. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. My first (and only) suicide attempt was when I was 18. I absolutely hate my job. I've been working there for about 4 years. I work from home and the nice thing about that is that it's allowed me to move around in an attempt to figure out where I really want to live. However, the bad thing is that I'm totally isolated. I moved to DC about a year ago and my main goal was to find an office job but every time I think about job hunting I feel utterly terrified and hopeless. In general, I've been feeling very anxious, sad, overwhelmed, and out of control. And scared. My brain is scary. I used to be able to distract myself by going to concerts, reading, going out for coffee, etc., but now I don't want to leave my house or deal with people. Totally shutting down is new to me and it's worrisome. I feel like I can't talk to my friends or family about how terrible and hopeless I'm feeling.

Welcome to the forum. Something is wrong with my brain and it feels like it's kind of shut down. I used to be active and do a lot of things and enjoy life, but besides going out to eat once a day, I don't do much of anything. I used to listen to music and watch tv. I still spend a lot of time on the computer, but most of it is on this site or researching, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I'm sorry that you're feeling so down.

Thanks, AAA3330. I'm sorry you're feeling shut down and isolated. I forced myself to go to a movie with a friend of mine yesterday. For the most part, I enjoyed myself and am glad I went. But suicidal thoughts crept in at random times. I know everyone here will understand...it feels SO weird being surrounded by people enjoying themselves and having such terrible thoughts and nobody knows what's actually going on inside my head.