الأحد، 31 مارس، 2013

When I was a Dictator

I went to the terraced house, the place, I walked through grabbing at my hair, and screaming...in 2002, one day before I was hospitalised. The skies outside were very grey that day, night came quickly, I peered through the keyhole of the front door, and saw a murderer, getting in a car, and everyone in the street, was hiding, the street is mostly, Pakistanis, and some white houses, with British and English flags in the windows, we were all hiding because it was the end of the world...

I knew we were heading for a nuclear showdown, we were gathered in Mannie's kitchen, I was going to married, to a chinese boy...this was some days before the end of the world, I was waiting for him, and his parents to appear, that day was sunny, and Nanny came in from the garden with a broom, and gave me a gypsy kiss..."You're married!"

"Where is he? I'm waiting for his parents..."

They didn't arrive.

.Because I was experiencing Time, as though I was in a different dimension, sleeping daytime, then waking through the night-time, days span, I was awake for five days long, cars were moving at top speeds around the house...I saw myself walking the street, form the bed-room window, I ran out into the alley with no shoes or socks...everyone in the street was welcoming me as I walked to Mannies house, for some rest...we sat at different ends of the sofa, with bright sunshine coming in softly through the curtains, soft guitar music was being played, the tea was perfumed, and the cigarettes were soothing...I was madly in Love, and I had no idea why...it was the most magical day.

The night of the nuclear showdown: Mannie was sitting at her special place, in the kitchen, at the left of the table, in front of the fridge, my 'nest' aunty was there with her teenage son, my cousin, the ex had followed me there, I sat at the table, Aunty's face was beaming, (there were there to keep me soul) the ex sat silently, my cousin kept his hands on my head, and shoulders, I said he had given me a blessing, the rest of them silent, to give me time...I couldnt cope, we were sitting in grey, night time came back swiftly, and I walked quickly through the hall, screaming and grabbing and pulling at my hair...Mannie exclaimed:

"Jesus was a woman!"

That made me groan, more, loud wailing groaning...Mum and Dad and the kids, were dead, in this house, my aunty and cousin, and the others, with me, were the only people left on earth. I screamed like a banshee!

"You are just like Mum!"

---

Yesterday, I arrived back at the terraced house, I thought to remember the terror, the ghosts, the cats that would keep their eyes hooked on mine.

"When was this house built?"

I remembered the Armageddon, 1945...(war diary)

1900's

"I came back here, when I had invaded England, I bought this house, and lived with a woman, the double-decker buses, were black and silver chrome, the streets were filled with bicycles..."

Mannie, was standing at the back-door entrance, puffing on a little cigar and holding a glass of red wine in her hand...she was wearing casual clothes, t-shirt, jeans, but when I looked, I saw a pair of just above the ankle, chunky, black boots, with thick straps around them...

"Oh my God! You're that bird, that was having a bath in Hitler's house!"

I turned round and walked through the kitchen, put the kettle and tried to remember..."So, this was why I was see-ing Nuclear bombing, America was trying to hit us...I was Fuhrer...why that woman? I lived here, because it's special, oh god? Was she violent? Let me remember?"

I made a joke; "I must have stationed a gunner in the halfway to protect me from
the proles..."

I went into the garden, she said:

"Look at that little tree..."

"Er, yeah, that one' s not me..."

something had happened to her, I gave her a cigarette, and we sat on the bench, together...she was being weird, she got out a little silver ring, with a purple stone...she looked at all my fingers, trying to fit, then she put in on my third finger, left hand, something had become love, I freaked...

I looked at the garden;

"There are small white-haired girls in black, lying all over the lawn and they're drunk...heavy metal..."

She wanted help, from me with pushing the tree-trunk against the wall and tying it up;

"Yeah, look don't talk to me now, this is all a bit too dyke...you need to dress girl..."

My tremendously tall friend walked into the kitchen...I was back at the kettle:

"Look, it's spooky in this house, you think? I'm remembering what sells..."

"What was she doing here? Was she gardening in the garden?? She said, it was shit and boring...I don't like that...the anger was so forceful...I forget now..."

SO I spent the rest of the night, at the table, staring at it and dying. Then I went out to the bench again...walked off again, realised, that walking from her aura-area' was making me sick, and highly stressed, I turned round and sat back with her...

"Nan...we'll have to be tied like gypsys...like their marriage, lots of string all round our bodies..."

"America, dropped an A-bomb purposely, over this target the house..."

"Snails, there are snails every where, they are slimy, Save ME!! Manky, if they touch me I'm sick..."

I must have lost a lot of hair, because I see a scary skinny little bald man, that's yah..."

There was nothing to do then, in the living room, just sit on a chair staring...I think the woman left me...

"I saw her picture in an art magazine...sorry."

"You've poisoned these potatoes." She said

"Do you know I like loving?"

"You look sooo high..."

"My face is so dirty, let me think..."

She was trying to pass at the back-door, I saw a huge, weird chunky man in a blue sweater, with a woman's head...I said:

"Oh, Look, Not You! Thank You!...no way, you are a brute man at my party...no entrance through the door here..."