"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

I think this is something that I’ve talked about before but it i still something that I am working on. It’s so easy to see happiness as the next step. What I mean is…we spend so much time thinking about how happy we will be once ( insert event) happens. At this moment, I am so focused on leaving my current school and getting a “fresh start” and I am not working to find my happiness in right now. I’ll admit, I love to dream about and plan for the future and most people do but what is lost is the ability to appreciate what is going on in our lives at this exact time. Ever since I got the job offer at my new school, I’ve done nothing but think about what my new apartment will look like…how I will decorate it…getting new utility accounts….teaching without a co-teacher…working evenings instead of days…etc. I have taught myself that until my current contract ends, I have no business being happy.

Happiness should not be something that is always just out of reach. Once this contract is up and I move into my new apartment in July…start my new job in August…there will be some other life event that I will be depending on for my happiness. That’s no way to live but…how does one focus on the joy in today? (Esp.when they do not like their current situation…) I think that’s something I might want to look into…read about…do some soul-searching about.

I want to be a safety net. I know that sounds kind of dumb but I have come to realize that it’s exactly what I crave. I find myself getting so hurt when I find out about something that a friend is going through AFTER the fact. I have had friendships end because the other person just refuses to talk to me about whatever is going on in their life from day-to-day. If you want to call me your friend…why can’t you talk to me? Why do I have to find out from someone or somewhere else that you are having a hard time or that something great happened to you? I want to be there to help you bounce back or to celebrate with you…why is it that I get locked out?

I am turning into my Father. When I was younger, I just couldn’t understand why he was so bothered by the fact that I was growing up and could do things on my own. Sometimes I saw it as an attempt to control me…but now I see it for what it really is. My Father wants to be a safety net. Hell, he IS and always has been my safety net. Now that I am older, I’ve come to understand what is really happening. I’m not trying to control anyone or be nosey. I simply want to do what a friend should do and when they keep me from doing so, I’m hurt. I take it as an attack on our friendship.

I’m not always the easiest person to talk to but I have never turned a friend away or made them feel small because they were going through something. I don’t downplay their success either.

I will just have to accept that people aren’t always going to look to me for advice. I’m not always going to be the first person they go to with great news. I don’t have to understand it…I simply have to accept it in order to control my emotional responses.

No…me having a job is not a new development but it’s a blessing. You know that saying, there’s always someone out there who has it worse than you? I remind myself everyday that it’s true. I have a pretty sweet set up here: Job, rent-free apartment, great health benefits, 8:30am-4:30pm workday, a school that cares enough to let me have sickdays and takes me to the doctor, a dog,food on my table, clothes on my back….

There are so many people in the world right now that don’t even have the basic things that we need to survive. I have no reason to bitch or be angry about my life. I am in a position to make a lot of changes if I feel the desire to do so and that too is a blessing. Some people never leave the States and here I am living in Korea.

Some people don’t live to see 29 and here I am….just celebrated my 29th birthday. My own ex-boyfriend died a few years ago in a car accident. ( R.I.P Chris) I’m here and I’m healthy ( for the most part).

I have parents who care about me…they raised me right and always supported me. While I don’t have that many friends here in Korea, I have people in the States who are cheering for me and always backing me up.

On twitter, Joyce Meyer and I follow each other. Just now I read the following tweet from her:

Are you facing something right now that looms like a giant in your life? Remember: nothing is impossible with God!

While I wholeheartedly agree that nothing is impossible with God, I realized something else. For the first time in a really long time, I can say no to her question. I am not facing anything that looms over me. For once I’m not feeling like David, gearing up for a seemingly impossible battle with Goliath.

It’s a good feeling. A great feeling actually. I have nothing to worry about and I need to remember that the next time my mind starts to manufacture fake and unnecessary worries.

About Me

I am a twenty-something African-American female living in South Korea and teaching English. I have a BS in Dance Education, a M.Ed in Educational Administration, and I’m working on a second Masters in Professional Counseling. I taught dance in public schools for 6 years before deciding to move to South Korea.