Okay, this one I wrote in class, the topic was 'home and what it means to you' and I ended up writing this and getting a B for it.

Home

Home. The realm of existence I reside in.

Home. The place that I live.

Home. The place where I find warmth and solace in a world otherwise cold and without warmth.

Yet home is not always simply warmth and solace, Home is also where those nightmarish delusions of the world and its denizens continue to haunt me.

Disrupt the daily cycle that is my life, yet I cannot bring myself to dislike these creatures that pester me or incite terror in my heart as...

They are a part of me.

A part of my life and existence.

the creatures that try to control the mind of all they possess in their grip, all that they strangle with a black hand forged from the person's personal darkness that truly is the bane of their existence.

Yet they do not simply stop there; they attempt to gain control of the person in a greed filled desire to have a body to call their own.

Born from the person's darkness, they have no form and lurk only in the possessed's mind and use their body as a vessel to walk among the world of the living that they so dearly wish to be once again.

Yet, if we close our hearts and not allow darkness, fear or doubt into our being or heart, we can avoid such a fate, the fate of being made a parasite that can only leech off a mind that was weakened by fear and empty promises.

Nubi505

February 8th, 2009, 08:47 PM

It started off pretty good. I even understood it as it got into the delusions. But then it went way off topic. Which might be why you got a B. You might understand quiet clearly what you wanted to say in this poem, but someone reading it might get lost halfway through.

Home can contain protective parents (or abusive), annoying siblings, and mean older brothers/sisters. But at the same time your home contains your family, 'part of you'. I'm not entirely sure what you were trying to say with this poem. Try making it clearer and easier to understand. More concise, perhaps? Stay on topic (especially if given a topic).

Someone once told me that some parts of my poem were much longer than others and that I should keep the lines about the same length or pretty close to preserve the flow of the poem. You might consider this as well.

Murak

February 8th, 2009, 09:23 PM

I know that the ending is 'bad', but the teacher said it had to end 'happily', so I had to change the entire direction of the poem about halfway through because I didn;t really intend for it to be 'happy'.

'home' referred to a metaphorical sense of your body, and a spiritual menance trying to take control of it because they lost their 'home'.
the menanced itself was 'sharing' your home with you, but wanted more, complete control and for you to disappear into the dark abyss forever.

something like that.

Nubi505

February 9th, 2009, 03:29 PM

The concept is good, but the flow killed it. "It is never to late to revise, whether in fiction or in life." Said someone I forgot the name of. Don't be afraid to edit your work and tweak it.

Murak

February 9th, 2009, 08:27 PM

I'm not AFRAID of editing my work, but if I do work on a previous piece of work, I always keep a previous version and the new version for comparison purposes.

Although I suppose since i wasn't in class, I could have simply wrote the poem I intended it to be instead of having my teacher force me to kill it halfway through.