While I write in the hopes of helping those who are still in a relationship with their narcissistic parent(s), this doesn’t mean I am for staying in that relationship no matter what. I firmly believe everyone has the right to make their own individual choice on whether or not to stay in that relationship, & should not be pressured on what to do. People are different in what they can & can’t handle, plus narcissists are on a spectrum- some are downright dangerous while others are much lower on the spectrum, therefore easier to deal with. Each situation is very unique, so there are no one size fits all answers.

That being said…

Ending relationships is very difficult, but especially when the relationship is with your parent(s). It shouldn’t be done in the heat of the moment, such as during an argument. It should be done after a great deal of prayer & thought on the matter.

If you believe your physical & mental health is in danger, you are certainly well within your rights to sever ties with your parents.

Sometimes, people don’t feel ready to go no contact although they want to. Until they do feel strong enough, going low contact may be a very good option. You don’t have to spend a lot of time visiting or on the phone with your narcissistic parents. You have the right to limit your time with them. You may even learn that low contact works well enough for you.

Low contact is also a good solution when no contact is impossible for various reasons.

If you are unsure what to do, pray. God may ultimately leave the choice up to you, or He may tell you what is best to do in your situation. Either way, it is a very good idea to talk to Him about this important decision.

God also can help you to find creative ways to handle the relationship with your parents if you stay low contact or help you end it if you go no contact. And, He can enable you to be stronger than you are when you need to deal with them. You simply can’t lose with God helping you in this situation.

4 responses to “Low Contact Or No Contact?”

Narcissists are on a spectrum, but so are their victims. I wouldn’t classify my abusers as dangerous in the legal or physical sense (violence), but on a spectrum of the damage I’m enduring (even after going NC). This was brought home to me recently when my NM sent me a long letter on my birthday. I didn’t read it but just knowing that she is still refusing to leave me alone put me in a 10 day funk of depression and physical exhaustion just when I needed all my strength to support my husband through his surgery. The surgery and recovery period would have been stressful on their own and I didn’t need the extra stress of having my boundaries violated. I naively expected that my FOO would leave me alone, grateful to be rid of someone they so obviously despise. But I was wrong and now I’m faced with the possibility that I’ll have to take legal action to get them to leave me in peace. Just the thought of it is stressful but I may have to endure a time of greater stress to insure peace in the long-term.
Like you I believe that the decision to go NC is the right of every survivor and I respect that. But for me it’s a vital necessity. I honestly don’t know how anyone can endure the abuse inherent in maintaining even low contact, let alone heal from the damage. Maybe it’s age related. I did maintain low contact when I was younger in the mistaken belief that I could handle the abuse. But as I grew older and the unrelenting stress caused more emotional and physical damage, and with the understanding that they’d never change, I realized that NC was the only thing that would give me peace and allow me to heal. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. If I had I might have had a happier, healthier, more peaceful life.

I’m so sorry Suzanne. That was awful of her to send you that letter at such a crucial time. I’m guessing she knew somehow about your husband? Or at the least hoped to ruin your birthday?

It’s sad to me but about everyone seems to be better off with no contact than low contact. Sad because that isn’t how a familial relationship should be! But then again, with narcissists, nothing is as it should be. It’s very understandable you went no contact! I’ve been grateful to be no contact with my mother & very low contact with my father the last 9 months. Life is much less stressful without these evil people constantly dumping their toxic cruelty, isn’t it?

I don’t know if she knew about my husband. And I didn’t read the letter so I don’t know what she said in it. But just having that letter in the house was painful as it reminded me of things I’m trying to forget and emotions I’d rather not experience again. I just wish she’d leave me alone.
I’ve ceased to think of narcissists as family. They may share DNA with their victims, but it takes much more than DNA to make a family. It is sad when someone has been hurt so badly and for so long that they must cut off all contact with another person just to protect themselves. But for many of us it’s the only thing we can do to live in peace. And ultimately it doesn’t matter if that person is family because DNA doesn’t make the abuse hurt any less.

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