I Love Lucy (1951) s06e19 Episode Script

Lucy Raises Chickens

(tango music playing) What's the matter? You are not cooperating. When you dance the tango you should have a sultry look. A sultry look? What do you mean? Like this. Well, I don't think we should look that sultry. Why not? Look, honey, we're doing this dance for Little Ricky's P.T.A. We don't want to have the school raided. You don't have to overdo it. Just look interested. You know, breathe heavily or something. Breathe heavily? Well, you know. (panting loudly in rhythm to the music) Oh, not that heavily. Hi. Hi, Ethel. What are you doing? We're dancing, what do you think? Oh. Ricky and I are going to tango for the P.T.A. a week from Saturday. Oh. RICKY: Now, look, honey LUCY: What? Do we have to dance? Couldn't we just take tickets or sell popcorn or scrape the gum from underneath the chairs after the show or something? Now, honey, I promised them that we would perform. I know, but I just don't want to lay an egg, that's all. Hey, speaking of that, look. Ethel, you mean our chickens are starting to lay? Oh, no, not yet, but I thought we ought to be ready to get right down to business the minute that first egg rolls off the assembly line. You're right. Listen, it should be any day now. Fred says that they should start laying when they're six weeks old. Gee, just think, 500 chickens. And, if they're conscientious, we'll have 500 eggs a day to sell. We'll be rich. Smartest thing we ever did. Let's see, 500 eggs a day at 60 cents a dozen Let's see Oh, now, don't bother. Fred's got it figured out to the last penny. Oh, I'll bet he has. Say, by the way, where is our vice-president in charge of chickens? He went over to Corwyn's Hatchery to pick up some egg crates and some more feed. More feed? Yep. Fred says you got to put something into chickens if you want to get something out of them. Well, he's right. Honey, let's try the finish again, huh? All right. Hey, look at this, see what you think, will you? All right. We're going to do a dance. (tango music playing) (groans) Okay? Fine. Gee, you look just like Vilma Banky and Rudolph Valentino. Yeah, well It's a little rough yet; needs some practice. Yeah, a little bit. Hi. Oh, hi, Fred, you're back. Hello, Fred. How are you? Did you get the egg crates and the feed? Well, I got the feed, but no egg crates. Why not? Well, I don't know just how to tell you this, Rick. Tell me what? Well, you remember, I told you the chickens started to lay when they were six weeks old? Yeah? I made a slight miscalculation. Mr. Corwyn tells me it's six months. What? Oh, brother. No wonder those little chicks looked so wild-eyed when I put them on the nest and said, "Come on, give. " I thought you were raised on a farm and you knew all about chickens. So I made one little mistake. One little mistake, he says. You know, that one little mistake of yours, puts me in a bad spot. I was depending on the money from the eggs to help pay the expenses around here. Yeah, I know, Rick, and I'm sure sorry. It doesn't make me want to jump for joy, either. Oh, brother. Well, listen, partner, this puts a whole new light on our business arrangement. What do you mean? Well, I mean, we were going to share the profit from selling the eggs, right? Right. In return I was gonna do all the work around here for nothing, right? Right. Well, now there won't be any profits. So until the chickens start laying I think you ought to pay me a salary, right? Wrong. How do you figure? Well, now, look, Fred. I'm not making any money out of the eggs. In the meantime, you're living in the guest house for nothing, so until the chickens start laying, I figure you should pay me rent. Rent?! Yeah, you know, that little thing that I used to pay you the first of every month for 16 years? Now, look Now, wait, you two, don't get into a snit. Now just maybe we don't have to wait so long to have some profits. What are you talking about? Well, why couldn't we trade in those baby chicks for some full-grown hens that would start laying eggs right away? Yeah, that way you'd have your profits and you'd have your income. Now we're getting someplace. I've got to hand it to you, Lucy. Yeah, honey, that's a good idea. Yeah, I've done it again. RICKY: Again? Again? Don't knock it, just be glad I did it this once. Look, Fred, let's go over to the hatchery, and see what kind of a deal we can make with that fellow. Right. Let's go out and say good-bye to our baby chicks. Oh, yes, that's a great idea. Isn't that a good idea? There's nothing like growing your own breakfast, huh, Ethel? Mm, boy, I'll say, these are so fresh. Mommy, did our chickens lay these eggs? Yes, dear. Our nice, new, big chickens. (Fred and Ricky arguing) Now, what's the matter now? I tell you what's the matter! Fred botched it again. What are you talking about? You told me that each one of those hens was supposed to lay one egg every day. Right? Well, they've been here for a whole week and all we've gotten is six lousy eggs. What do you expect me to do, squeeze the eggs out of them? Well, you're the expert, do something. I've done everything but jump up and sit in the nest with them. Oh, now, honey, don't get all upset. Maybe the reason the chickens aren't laying is because they're nervous. Nervous? What have they got to be nervous about? Wouldn't you be nervous if someone was standing around waiting for you to lay an egg? Yeah, Rick, it's their new surroundings. As soon as they get to feeling at home, I bet they'll drop eggs so fast we'll have to jump out of the way. She's right, Rick. I hope they start feeling at home soon. Well, anyway, we're getting our breakfast for nothing. For nothing? (laughing) Listen, with the cost of the feed, the money that I spent fixing the henhouse, the extra heat and electricity and the money lost by switching the 500 baby chickens for the 200 hens, I figured out each one of those breakfasts is costing $18 apiece. Eww. Yeah, "eww. " Listen, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to give those hens one more day. Now, if by tomorrow they don't start laying regularly I'm gonna sell the whole bunch of them and get out of the egg business. I can take a hint. Come on, Ethel, let's start packing. Oh, now, Fred Oh, now, Fred Hold on, you got one more day. Yeah, now, Fred, instead of packing, maybe you'd better get out there to that chicken house and give those hens a pep talk. Yeah, why don't you try scaring them? Walk through the hen house with a sign that says: "Fryers for sale. " Sure, sure. Well I'll help him. Yeah, you go help Uncle Fred, huh? Chickens. I should have raised something I knew about, like sugar cane. Oh, dear. Oh, Lucy, this is awful. The boys at each other's throats, the chickens aren't cooperating. What are we going to do? I don't know, but don't give up, we got one more day. You don't expect those hens to lay a bumper crop of eggs overnight? You know, they could if we helped them. Lucy, I've never laid an egg in my life and I refuse to start trying now. No, I don't mean that, I mean buy some, maybe about five dozen. Take them out to the henhouse, put them in the nest, and let Fred and Ricky discover them. What good would that do? It'll only delay the inevitable one more day. Well, in the meantime maybe our hens will warm up and our men will cool down. It's worth a try. Well, so far, so good. Where's Ricky? He went into New York. How about Fred? He's taking a nap. How do you know that? It's after lunch and before dinner. What else would he be doing? I guess you're right. Well, get your eggs and let's get out there. All righty. (sighing whistle) Uh-oh. What's the matter? Your sleeping prince, he's out by the henhouse chopping wood. He's supposed to be taking a nap. Can't he ever do anything right? Well, now what will we do? We'll just have to wait till he finishes chopping wood. He'll probably be out there all afternoon. We got to get these in the nest before Ricky comes home. Well, what'll we do? We'll just have to stash them on us someplace and just walk casually by Fred. We can't stash away five dozen eggs. Well, we can give it a try. Here, open them up. What are you going to do? Well, I'm going to put some in my blouse. I can get some in my hip pockets, too. Be careful. Want me to help you? No, let's see, now. Ooh, you have to be awful careful. Yeah, this (laughing) Oh, oh What's the matter? Whoo, they're cold. I wonder how the chicken stands it. Hey, I can get a dozen in one pocket. Yeah, I'm doing all right, too. Don't break them, don't break them, be careful. No, just sounded like it. Just precious. We'll make it. Three dozen? I haven't broken one yet. How do I look? Oh, you look kind of lumpy. Maybe I better put my jacket on. Yeah, want me to help you? I can do it. I'll help you, honey. Wait a minute, I got one more egg to go. Now, how's that? Oh, that looks fine. How do I look? Well, whatever you do don't try to walk like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, we got to get rid of these cartons. Put them all in here and I'll put them away there in the firebox. I'll get it, I'll get it. Want me to help you? Easy, now, I can't Lucy. Hi, honey. Why, I thought you were in New York. Well, I decided to take the late train because I want to rehearse our number. Rehearse? Oh, the act's just fine, honey. We don't want to get over-rehearsed. Well, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Come on, I haven't got much time, it's either now or never. Well, then make it never? Look, honey, if we're going to do the dance in front of all those people I want to do it right. Now come in and rehearse. Well, I guess you won't be needing me, Lucy. So long! Now, Ethel Huh? Wait a minute. Stick around, I want you to see- you know, tell us what it looks like. (tango music playing) Come on, come on. Come on, honey. What's the matter? Honey, if we're gonna dance for the P.T.A., we should be dignified. We should stand at least two feet apart. To tango? Yeah, well, you were right. We don't want to get the school raided. Come on, honey, if we're going to tango, let's tango, eh? Lucy! That's enough, honey Come on, I want to do the finish. The finish? Yeah. Look, Lucy I know that this is a ridiculous question What were you doing with eggs under your shirt? Trying to hatch them? Lucy Well, Ethel and I were trying to sneak some eggs out into the henhouse you know, just to give the hens the idea so that you and Fred wouldn't be mad at each other anymore. Ethel! Are you carrying eggs? I was. I'm sorry, Ethel. You're sorry. All right, that does it. Tomorrow morning I'm gonna sell all the chickens and get out of this chicken business. Hi, Ricardo. Hi, Ramsey. Want to ride bikes? Uh-uh. Why not? I don't feel like it. What's wrong? We're going to have to get rid of all our chickens. How come? They don't lay enough eggs so my daddy says they got to go. That's what mine said when our cat had kittens. Did he give the kittens away? He couldn't. How come? Because I hid the kittens so he couldn't find them. Hey! Think we could hide chickens? How many chickens are there? (whistles) Boy, I think this is going to be a little tougher than kittens. Come on, Bruce, let's get started. Okay. Fred? Yeah? Well, where are they? Where are who? The chickens, that's who. The poultry man is outside waiting to buy them and they've all disappeared. Well, don't tell me your troubles. Now, look, Fred, you're in charge of the chickens. Now where are they? I was in charge of the chickens I quit, remember? As long as you're staying here the chickens are your responsibility. I'm not staying here, we're moving out. Who do you mean by we? Me and my wife, Mrs. Mertz. You sure that's everybody that's moving out? What are you driving at? I'm not driving at anything, Fred. Just so happens this room is full of chicken feathers. So what? Yeah, so what? So how'd they get here? Don't ask me. You know what a miserable housekeeper Ethel is. (chicken clucking) What's that, Fred? How should I know? Well, it doesn't sound like Perry Como. (chicken clucking) (chicken clucking) My, what a lovely hat. Well, Fred? Well, what? Now, look, Fred, just because there was no profit out of the egg business, there's no reason for you to plan to walk off with 200 chickens. Just a minute. Are you calling me a chicken thief? Those are your words, not mine. I don't know how this chicken got in here and I don't care, but I defy you to find another one in this house. (another chicken clucking) You got some friends around here? All right, Fred. All right what? Look, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over to the house, I'm gonna wait there for 20 minutes. Now, if the chickens reappear there will be no questions asked and I will not prosecute. Just a minute. Just a chicken-pickin' minute. Gee, Ethel, I just feel terrible. Me, too. You and Fred moving back to the city. I don't want you to move away. Well, I guess friends should never go into business together. Yeah, I guess you're right. I wonder how Sears and Roebuck handled it? Well, for one thing, Sears wasn't a stubborn Irishman and Roebuck wasn't a hot-tempered Latin. Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, even though we're not going to be neighbors anymore, you and Fred can come out and visit us on weekends. Oh, Fred's so mad it'll be years before I can drag him out here again. Yeah. Well, we can meet secretly for lunch at Schraft's. We can do that. Yeah. Well, I got to go help Fred with the packing. Okay. Dear. So long. Oh. Oh, I almost forgot, my fur jacket's in your closet. Oh. Hey. Why don't you leave it there? Pretend that you forgot it and you can come out and get it next week. Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Lucy. Maybe by that time our gladiators will have cooled off. Come on, you coward, put up your dukes. I'll paste you right in the mouth. I'd like to see you try. Yeah, well, step outside. We just came in from outside. What's going on? He called me a chicken thief. That's what's going on. A chicken thief? There are 200 chickens missing and I found a bunch of them over at their place. Oh, this is ridiculous. Fred didn't steal any chickens. Did you, Fred? Of course not. See, Ricky, if he says he didn't take them he didn't take them. How do you know? If there's one thing Fred isn't- and there's only one thing Fred isn't- it's a chicken thief. Thanks, Ethel. All right, then, Ethel let me ask you a question. How did a chicken get into your hatbox? How did a chicken get into my hatbox? Yeah, how did it get in there, Ethel? Lucy, are you going to stand there and let him accuse me, too? Well, how did that chicken get in your hatbox? That does it. We're leaving, and I'll just take my fur jacket with me. I wouldn't want to make another trip out here to pick it up. Now who's a chicken thief? You're a pretty cool cookie planting those birds in our place just to throw us off the track. I don't know what you're talking about. You were going to call me a chicken thief and get me to leave and then sell all the chickens to the poultry man and collect all the money! Oh, no, Fred. He isn't that clever. But there's someone in this room who is. Are you calling me a chicken thief? Those are your words, not mine. You've got a lot of nerve, you and your hatbox full of chicken feathers. Yeah, yeah. I suppose you want me to think those birds walked in to that closet and shut the door behind them. I have no idea how those birds got into that closet. I bet he's got them stashed all over the place. I'll bet they have, too. How do I know how they got in there? Oh, isn't that What are you doing in there? Yeah, you know what he's doing in there. (phone ringing) You put him in there! I did not! Hello? What? Oh, no. Thank you. What is it? That was Betty Ramsey. Her little Bruce's room is full of our chickens. How did they get there? I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion. Little Ricky! What, Mommy? Have you been hiding our chickens, dear? RICKY: Come on, son, tell us the truth. Will I get a spanking, Daddy? No, not if you tell me the truth. Bruce and I hid them. Why did you and Bruce hide them? I didn't want you to give them away. (sighing) Gee, Fred I'm sorry I called you a chicken thief. That's all right, Rick. I've been called worse things by Ethel. Lucy, can you forgive me? Can you forgive me? I guess it'll take more than a bunch of chickens to break our friendship. Right. How about the chickens, Daddy, can we keep them? Well, I don't know if we can keep them or not, son. You see, Uncle Fred and I went into the egg business together Hey, look what I found in my bedroom. Our chickens are laying, our chickens are laying eggs. (everyone shouting) Well, the Ricardos and the Mertzes are in business together! Oh, I'll help you unpack! ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy" starring: was brought to you by New Lilt, the only home permanent with squeeze bottle magic. The fastest, easiest home permanent, ever. ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) "I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.