Ryan Seacrest Understands Women

“Mmm, that’s pert, real pert. Is it creepy if I say that? Pert. These are pert.”

Julianne Hough celebrated her 23rd birthday in Miami over the weekend, and like any good boyfriend 13 years her senior, Ryan Seacrest surprised her by showing up and flagrantly molesting her in front of her friends and family while smiling at the paparazzi. So, to demonstrate just how grateful she was for this experience, Julianne decided to be the first person I’ve ever seen do a belly flop that perfectly screams, “I hate my life!” I’ve seen ones before that said, “I’m a shitty diver,” or “Sir, I ordered the quiche,” but never one that communicated a clear and overwhelming need for horrible pain. Color me impressed.