Monday, August 27, 2012

Seek out Spaces where you are Valued - Part 1

What? 3 years for beating up and kidnapping a black woman? That's Outrageous!

The
dysfunctional approach of the black collective doesn’t play in other
arenas and they will enforce the decency and standards that are necessary for a civilized society regardless of black whinning and falling about on the floor- So be it!

As an empowerment writer, I not only talk about how black women can
avail themselves of more, in the area of romance by being open to men
beyond their race, I am also a strong advocate of black women
broadening their social horizons in all respects, be it at work, at
school etc. I believe black women must reintegrate into the larger
society to live fulfilled lives, and they must seek out areas where
they are wanted, valued and cherished to achieve their goals and
ambitions.

Seeking spaces that are optimal and where you are
valued and valuable is a must for the black woman who wants to be
nurtured and uplifted as opposed to drained and crushed by abuse and
misuse and the put downs and mocking, of those who take delight in
ensuring that no good deed of black women goes unpunished.

If
you stop a black person on the street and ask them “in which
environment would you expect a black woman would fine she is valued”,
they will more than likely say, 'it can only be among fellow black
people.'

Well, that may have been the case many years ago if
ever.

I have had two recent experiences to underscore my
position that acceptance and value for most black women lies outside
the black setting. I will start with the bad experience and end with
a good (supporting experience) in the next blog post.

A couple
of months ago, a charity which I am involved in, put on its annual
barbecue. The volunteers (of which I am one), were expected to set up
the barbecue as early as 9 am in the morning for a 1pm start. Since I
had to leave the house early to arrive by 9 am, I didn’t have time
to get a good breakfast. I thought I might catch a spare moment
between 9 and 1pm, to have some food, but there was so much to do
because we were such a small team. By the time the barbecue was on
the grill I was ravenously hungry and couldn’t wait for the first
batch of stuff to be ready. This was my first mistake, letting myself
get hungry and thus in a vulnerable position (as I will explain).

A
couple of black men where manning the barbecues. I missed the first
batch because I had to go on an errand. You can thus imagine how
hungry and forward I was when the next batch came along.There
were two other black women who managed to get ahead of me. They spent
a couple of minutes asking for an extra portion which they eventually
got. I decided then that I too would dare to ask for an extra
portion-due to how hungry I was. This was my second mistake because
the black ‘chef’ suddenly made it his business to announce to all
and sundry about the greedy Oliver Twist folk who were asking for
more.

My third mistake was to try to argue my case rather than
get the hell out of the dogde. My response was, 'But I have seen you
just give people ahead of me an extra helping…so why not me…In
fact make that my fourth and fifth mistake because it was a weightier
mistake to even begin to engage in that conversation, I should have
simply muttered something like, “well its just that I am starving,”
or made some excuse about not having had breakfast as I calmly
started stepping, unfortunately hunger had rewired my brain and I
thought that the ‘this is so unfair’ argument would get me
somewhere. It didn’t, because sure enough another black man who had
been about five yards away doing something else suddenly seeing a
chance to put a black woman down/in her place/gang up on/or support
his black bros against the evil black woman, you name it, suddenly
decided it was his place to jump in (thus calling even more attention to the situation!), saying something about ‘excuses’
and ‘shutting down the extra requests’ starting from moi. Of
course by then I was back to my senses, realising what I was exposing
myself to by standing there thinking I could argue my right with
'hostiles'.

The need to explain yourself and save face can be
overwhelming at times (you know how sometimes you want to save a
situation and paint a better impression than that which has gone
against you but you don’t realize you are digging a bigger hole!).
I also think I was smarting over this reaction from someone who had,
only a few hour earlier, been in receipt of my generosity because I
had gone out of my way to find him one of the kitchen equipment he
needed to set up the barbecue!
﻿

You see we BWE bloggers also need to
have these little reminders about what we preach, that on a whole
black men feel no sense of reciprocity towards even the very black
women who they received large amount of help and assistance from, even
assistance received mere seconds ago! They actually feel entitled to the
favors of black women just by being black men and feel 'noway' about
offering anything in return!Anyway, when I got out of there, I realised that I had fallen into a
trap. Black men carry around an inordinate amount of anger towards
black women, which can be triggered at any moment and the fact that
you and them were friendly etc just beforehand is never really enough
reason for them not to seize upon a chance to express their
disrespect for black women and delight in an opportunity to show the
black women up. Black women need to be aware of this especially as we
are forced to deal with these men in work and school situations even
if we have put necessary limits on interacting with them socially.

Another
thing to point out here is that when a person lacks personal power in
their lives, they misuse the first hint of it. Given that a host of
black men feel a sense of powerlessness (the tendency to blame
others, e.g. 'the man', black women etc that we have come to observe
with black men is a clear expression of this felt power deficiency),
black women are really going to have to avoid a whole host of them.
Note that the black man was to all intents and purposes, just the
cook for the occasion (the bulk of the money for the barbecue came
from patrons mostly white). However the little ‘power’ and
importance the position granted him was immediately misused as an
opportunity to tell people off and ration chicken wings lol! SMH. He
spent the day as the 'jerk-chicken gatekeeper', and this is exactly
how power deficient people act.

At the end of the day there
were piled and piles of grilled stuff left because he had been
controlling it that tightly. Of course his 'hommies' got to go home
with some 'take out' and I got to rededicate myself to the
sayings of my wise mother to always “eat before you go to any party
or gathering.’' Hunger and the actions that result from it can
indeed put you in a vulnerable place.

TO BE CONTINUED IN
NEXT BLOG POST

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12 comments:

Thanks for this post! I find that far too many would like to sit around and debate, rather than forge ahead. I implore Black women to cut their losses and bid farewell to dead things...Take the time now to really say goodbye.

One thing thats always bugged me: Why don't BM get that when they misuse power, they hobble themselves? Why aren't they interested in maintaining power properly? When I look at the state of Africa, what BM they do when they get an education and make money (financially support a non-BW AND NOTHING ELSE) and when they choose to father multiple kid's just because, why do they keep doing it when they can clearly see they've gained nothing of relevancy compared to other races of men? I know you've said because their selfish and their more prone to reprobate mindsets but is that all? It just blows my mind when I stop and think about it. Groupthink is really nothing to sneeze at.

samadhithats a good question. I think on some level they are doing the dance expected of them. I will write up a bit more on these thoughts in the next post but i was actually watching the actions of the white men there too versus the black guys. Most of the white guys performing any function were well behaved, went out of their way to be helpful and curteous, and assist people without judgement or telling anyone off.

it seemed/s to me to be expected that black guys would act a fool, be agressive or transgress the social etiquette and rules or decorum. even at work they recieve patronage and the money keeps rolling in if they fit the stereotype of the misunderstood bg, or if he plays to the 'he cant help himself but react angrily', theme. very sad because it keeps them in the cycle and they cant break out (because it is being rewarded)and be better than all that!

...as hard as it is to accept a black president, it's even harder to accept a black first lady. First Lady has always held a beloved sentimental mother/wife of the nation symbolism.

Conservatives are not ready to have to look at this very BLACK woman with her degrees and her fierceness and see her as the epitome of the American mother/wife.This will be a first for white people. They do not want this black woman in the Whitehouse as their first lady. That New Yorker cartoon was [actually] about Michelle - she was its focal point…..look closely... she is the leader, the one starting the "revolution" theywant you to imagine…………MSNBC's Chris Matthews said, in the course of covering the Obama candidacy, 'He (Barack Obama) brings none of the20' bad stuff, you know?" By 'Bad Stuff', he meant the legacy of [whites] enslaving Africans in this country, keeping them as second-class citizens until 1965, a mere 11 years before this country celebrated its 200th anniversary. You know, 'the original sin', or ' the birth d efect', as Condi Rice called it. Barack escapes this 'bad stuff' only because his mother was white and may have had ancestors involved in the slave trade; and also because Barack's father was not African American. He was full blooded African and therefore Barack had no ancestors enslaved byAmerica - and so the white guilt factor is missing when they think ofhim. HOWEVER, NO SUCH LUCK WITH MICHELLE!Michelle Obama is a direct threat and lightening bolt against White Superiority. Because, she's Black… VISIBLY BLACK… But it's important to note, she does not, in any way,shape, or form, contour to the acceptable Black Pathologies that enable White Supremacy to sigh with relief. [welfare mother, fatherless child, druggie, etc.] Michelle was raised in a neighborhood. In a home. With TWO parents. No child revolving in and out of jail.

Raised by a Black man who not only provided for his family, but did so, WITH A DISABILITY. Her mother had a working class job - secretary- but it was taken ONLYafter she had seen her youngest child settle into HIGH SCHOOL.Michelle Obama's poise, her confidence, her aura - that was created by that humble Black man, who by all accounts, adored her. He told her that she is worthy, and so, when you have that told to you by the first man who loves and protects you, you seek that validation of that in your choice of mate, you'll settle for nothing less, and Michelle hasn't.Michelle Obama, doesn't fit any of the acceptable Black pathologies. And when you don't fit the acceptable Black pathologies, then you must be destroyed. Michelle Obama has become the face of the Black America whose existence is routinely denied by this country. Think about it.In ONE generation, the face of this 'Invisible America' has gone from living on the top floor of a bungalow, to the possibility of living in The White House. And yet, Michelle Obama, refuses to say " I' m special", in order to give white America its usual security blanket [that she is one of the exceptions rather than the rule], So what should be done?Beat her down into submission.

Michelle Obama represents everything we black women want our daughters to be. When we stand up for her we stand up for ourselves. No other women in the world are more neglected and abused as African women period. Michelle looks like [our] daughters, her daughters look like us. We love the way Barack looks at her we adore the way he looks at his daughters. The Obamas represent the hope that we can be loved by our men and they will support us in whatever we do.

Little African American girls need a vision anddream of what it is like to be loved by a man who looks just like them. Is America ready for a First Lady who looks like her? A regular black woman? Not a passable biracial curly haired girl that they call black, but a regular black woman from the south side of Chicago ? With dark skin?Is she going to be the face of The Woman on the largest pedestal in the country? A self-confessed "loud-mouth" black woman? If the Obamas succeed, it turns white supremacy upside down. And not because a black man is in the White House; but, because a blackwoman will be there who didn't have to come in the back door to lie in bed with the president.

'I think on some level they are doing the dance expected of them. I will write up a bit more on these thoughts in the next post but i was actually watching the actions of the white men there too versus the black guys. Most of the white guys performing any function were well behaved, went out of their way to be helpful and curteous, and assist people without judgement or telling anyone off.

it seemed/s to me to be expected that black guys would act a fool, be agressive or transgress the social etiquette and rules or decorum. even at work they recieve patronage and the money keeps rolling in if they fit the stereotype of the misunderstood bg, or if he plays to the 'he cant help himself but react angrily', theme. very sad because it keeps them in the cycle and they cant break out (because it is being rewarded)and be better than all that!'

This is the kind of thing that a lot of BM like to take to always show to everybody else that they are the 'Big Victim' and why they feel that everybody should consider them to be the world's 'Big Victim' continually. And when the the odd black man every once in a while expresses how annoyed he is when people have low expectations of him and other BM and automatically look at them as THE world's 'Big Victim', then he'll wonder why as if he didn't expect that outcome to ever happen! LOL

They don't have to take white people's money or any other non-black person's money for the rest of their lives in exchange for acting like the eternal black court jester, to put it nicely. No one's makin' em do that these days!

If they really wanted seize power for themselves by starting up their own business and continuing to support black businesses without the jealous avoidance and backbiting they wouldn't have to find themselves in that self-perpetuating 'Big Victim' cycle.

If his family and his ex-girlfriend (the victim) weren't campaigning so hard for him, maybe the judge would've given him a harsher sentence.

I thought it was absolutely sickening the way they were standing in court defending his trifling ass. The family should be ashamed of themselves talking about his promising basketball career...a basketball career? WTF? Obviously his career didn't me chit to him. He skull dragged her in and out of that building and kicked the living crap out of her several times…with a restraining order! He damn near killed this chick! Yet she has the nerve to stand up and cry for him, talking about your Honor he made a mistake. Did ya'll see the video? Or better yet, did SHE see the video. Because obviously she has a bad case of amnesia.

We need to handicapping the system if we want the system to work for us!

Yeah, that girlfriend was a perfect of example of the brainwashing BW receive in Blackistan. The funny thing is, her loyalty wasn't even appreciated: it seemed like every comment said "she's only crying because she won't get his money!" They just saw a video of this dude beating her up and in their eyes she was still only a gold digger.

@ Halima

I've always wondered why BM immediately assume sports and the music industry are their only options. Well why would they be interested in any other field? Look at the perks they get! They have a well paying stereotype! lol When a BM goes to college for anything else, they always develop a MASSIVE superiority complex and compete against BW for the approval of non-blacks. That guy's face... it reminded me of the perpetual surprise Evia talks about BW displaying when repeating the same mistakes other BW have made, yet somehow expecting different results. BM are really surprised when their behavior gets policed. Their surprised when they have to pay child support. Their surprised when BW refuse to support BW bashers etc.

Wow those comments are truly typical. I feel those 3 years will not make a difference to the way that young man feels and he will come out just as he came in, especially since his family feels he's entitled to do whatever he wants.

"Another thing to point out here is that when a person lacks personal power in their lives, they misuse the first hint of it. Given that a host of black men feel a sense of powerlessness (the tendency to blame others, e.g. 'the man', black women etc that we have come to observe with black men is a clear expression of this felt power deficiency), black women are really going to have to avoid a whole host of them.'

What you stated about powerlessness is so true. I had to highlight this paragraph because many of my negative experiences with Black men have involved power trips. The problem is that these ego trippers are everywhere-in airports, stores, nightclubs, etc just waiting to wield the little bit of power they feel they have. And of course they are extra hard on Black women. Ugh! It is so annoying.

I'm interested in learning signals I can send right off the bat to let them know I am not the typical Black woman who will tolerate their nonsense. I've tried avoiding eye contact, but some of them are so obnoxious they will do anything to get your attention. How can a Black woman "put these men off" while still maintaining her decorum?

Aisha you have raised key points. i think the issue however is that it would become even more urgent for black men to force escapee black women back into the group that will take their ish. hence you are likely to be hassled more and repeatedly in this attempt to get you back into your 'place'.

some bm who you ignore or avoid will make it their duty to seek out opportunities to bring you back to the 'fold'. however i think it is important to keep avoiding them, and when they try their game, to rebuff their attempts as firmly but classy as possible. if i am around wm, i might bring them into the conversation or situation which disrupts the black-black setting, within which such BS festers. use the white knife to cut off the black BS.

sometimes you wont be able to do more than ignore, refuse to rise to the bait or just get out of the situation with as much decorum as you can muster.

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Hi I am Halima AndersonI am an author with a passion for the relationship 'well-being' of black women, hence the writing of the book, "Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...? It is important for me to specify that this blog is for women who are new to interracial dating or who still have struggles with the idea and want to see if it is a thing for them. This category of black women will be my primary focus!If you are already in an IR or are open to the idea, I wish you good luck!

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