My Food Diary

Something's been going on with me lately, and I know because I can't stop eating.

Food is tricky. It's a necessity, but one that's intrinsically linked to our body image and self esteem. My body is insulin resistant, which means I have a much greater risk of developing diabetes than most people. In some ways, it's actually helped me. Like a lot of women, I've always been a bit funny with food, using calories to measure the worth of it rather than the nutritional value it has or the pleasure it brings me. I now think of food as being "good" or "bad" in terms of my tangible health, instead of my ability to fit into a little black dress.

When I lose interest in making food from scratch, start to crave meat or constantly eat without even thinking about it, those are alarm bells for me. It's not about my actual size, it's about the sluggishness that develops; the coffee necessary to get me through the day, the exercise routine that's tossed aside, the poor mental health. I feel heavy, even if nothing has changed. I move through the world with no purpose.

When our fridge freezer broke down, I first mourned the loss of Linda McCartney gravy pies, then realised it was a chance for a new start. We tossed everything perishable. I made meal plans for the week and looked up new recipes. I felt excited again. I decided to keep a diary for the rest of the week.

Wednesday

Brodie was taken to the out of hours vet on Monday night, after a run in with some barbed wire so the household is revolving around looking after her. I've been so tired in the mornings recently and struggle to get out of bed this morning.

Breakfast: Keeping an eye on Brodie meant a morning rush, so breakfast is a banana and green tea at my desk when I get to work.

Snack: Dried mango pieces. I abhor fruit. It brings me no joy, does nothing for me whatsoever. Give me asparagus over apples any day. I'm just trying to get it into my body any way I can. These are a bit chewy and weird but I keep nibbling them until lunch time.

Lunch: Fresh tomato soup. Yawn.

Tea: Fajitas. I'm a good cook (and so humble) but it had never occurred to me to make my own sauces for anything, until Laila started talking about it on Twitter. I used a jar but I'll make my own next time! I have a go making some onion bhajis while Mike goes for a run and they turn out really well. Not the healthiest, but it feels good to cook from scratch again.

Snack: Cup of tea with rice milk and a chocolate biscuit

Thursday

We have bought a second hand fridge and I did a ma-hoosive food shop last night. It took a while, as I'd never heard of some of the ingredients (puy lentils, anyone?) but it was such a change not to sleepwalk through my shop. Tesco have expanded their vegan options so I pick up some cheese and chocolate puddings to try.

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with grilled plum tomatoes.

Snack: Dried cranberries this time! I like these much better.

Lunch: Salad with hot smoked salmon and sweet chilli and mango dressing. I've been badly craving meat for the first time since I went vegetarian, so the fish is a compromise while I get back on track.

Tea: Linda McCartney cheese and leek lattices. I cave after my long day and have them with chips rather than the new potatoes I'm supposed to have with everything.

Snack: Cup of tea and two biscuits. My life is a ball of fire (as Billy Connolly would say).

Friday

I was diagnosed with a hormone condition just over a year ago and everything has been smooth sailing since thanks to hormone patches. Recently, I've felt the mental problems creeping back, like lack of concentration and poor memory, and since I've just started a new job with lots to remember, this isn't good. I have a catch up with my supervisor (and a cry) and she is very reassuring. I just have to take my time with everything and not panic if I get forgetful. I'll monitor how I feel for the next wee while and if there's no improvement, a GP appointment is in order.

I got up and went for a walk to the next village this morning and picked up eggs from our pals' honesty hut. It just felt good to get moving again. Endorphins win this round.

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with grilled plum tomatoes.

Snack: One of those dairy free chocolatey pudding things. Mmmmm.

Lunch: I had to get some bits and pieces from Asda, so it's cheese and tomato pasta and a packet of crisps. I've never quite managed to shake the sandwich + crisps = lunch habit left over from childhood lunch boxes.

Saturday

My stomach is a lot less bloated already. I realise what I'm feeling is low key depression. Not the "I can't get out of bed" depression, which I've had in the past, but just background noise like the low hum of a refrigerator. It could be yet another sign that my hormones aren't quite right. I need to find ways to motivate myself in the meantime.

We go to a friend's house at 10pm for drinks and Monopoly. We get to bed at 4am. You know how Monopoly goes!