Love Stories Chapter 1: Eros The 1st

Cover art by Katrina Nash of Yours Truly. Check out her stuff on Facebook and Instagram

This blog is the second post of the Love Stories series. The Pilot is here.

We might as well get the romantic love aspect out of the way. This type of love is often the most talked about, most dramatic, most desired type of love. It makes sense then that the exploration of this love type love is in two instalments.

Romanic love is usually attributed to EROS, the physical, sensual intimacy, attraction or love. Let’s have a quick linguistics class with old mate Gus Portokalos.

Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek. Erotic? You know, the root of the word erotic is a Greek word. Erotic come from the Greek word “eros,” which is mean love or desire. You see? So there you go.

Eros is also the Greek God of sexual attraction, which is pretty much the Roman Cupid. Sadly, eros is often mistaken for lust, because they are very similar. One big point of difference is the relationship – lovers and not friends? Keeping the attraction at a fantasy level instead of commitment. No conversations, just sex?

Like many good things, love and in particular, eros can be distorted. Sexual desire is actually really good (I have a long draft all about this, but I don’t think you’re ready :p) However, it’s so distorted that people manipulate it, use it, and abuse it to get what they want. And usually, someone will get hurt.

Isn’t it fantastic that the method in which we are designed to procreate feels good? How burdensome would it be if it was painful? We probably wouldn’t have survived as a species. Besides the physical aspect, the emotional or spiritual level is that the lovers become actually become one. Did you know that a marriage isn’t technically valid (according to the Catholic Church) until you’ve sealed the deal in the bedroom?

Eros love is good. But if a relationship is based solely on this type of love, it is lacking.

Plato reckons that although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes an appreciation of beauty itself, rather than than the physical attributes. Plato doesn’t think physical attraction is a necessary part of love, hence the idea of platonic love i.e without physical attraction, which contrasts with eros i.e. with physical attraction.

Humans tend to go to extremes, completely refraining from sexual love or unrestrained sexual passion to be indulged. As with many things, the good is in the balance between these two extremes.

Language warning

Her ‘sorry’ meant more than her ‘I love you’.

My first real love cheated on me with a guy I considered a mate. After hearing they got married and had a child together, I went on a bender! Talking to every girl I could, not caring about if they were already in a relationship, no thought about their personality, work ethic, perspective on life – as long as she was decent, had a sex drive and was just down to fuck – nothing more.

Every single girl I ‘had a thing’ with had no clue I thought this way. I played every single one of them. I had all this resentment, I saw every girl the exact same and wanted to use them only for their sexual favours. It got to a point where one of them would call crying saying “Why don’t you call me gorgeous anymore?” I almost felt bad after having sex with one girl, with a tear running down her eye, turn to me and say, “My future now looks more bright with you here.” I mean, come on man! I didn’t have any intention of hurting any of them emotionally, but how do you tell a girl, “You’re just one of a few”?

Then there was one girl.

She also just got out of a rough relationship and was also just down to fuck. She was a friend of a friend and I randomly hit her up on Facebook and she asked me to come to a dinner with her with her friends. I had known her for about 3 years but never considered her at any point. There was about 2 days of messaging and random calls and we agreed that we didn’t want commitment and just wanted to have sex. And so it was, when we needed it, it was just one phone call away. Even after coming back from a date, it was one phone call away. 4 in the morning after a huge bender in the city, I would drive to her house, wasted, sneak into her house and leave by sunrise.

After 3 months of this, despite the verbal contract of sex only, I noticed we were kissing more and something more passionate during sex. There was no way I was bringing it up. What if it was just me thinking that? Out of nowhere, she asks, “Where is this going?” I played a poker face, knowing full well what she was talking about and asked her, “What do you mean?” We started talking about how we had met each other’s friends, some family and knowing that what we were doing wasn’t going to last forever. So it was decided, we’d give it a go and try move forward as boyfriend and girlfriend.

This ended up being one of the best mistakes in my whole life. 3 years of disagreements and constant fighting about petty, little shit. Get this… She LOVED chicken nuggets from McDonald’s. So, I thought it would be nice, after work one day, I’d go to her house and deliver some chicken nuggets. I didn’t check the bag after going through the drive-thru, but when she opened the bag, there was no sweet and sour sauce inside and she went off her head!! All I could think about in my head was “You ungrateful fuck!” It got to a point where hearing her say ‘sorry’ would mean more to me than hearing her say ‘I love you’.

It was rare for her to apologise for her mistakes let alone know when she was in the wrong and almost there was almost no emotion behind her ‘I love you’s”. I almost hated hearing her say ‘I love you’ because I saw it as a cop out of actually apologising for her mistakes and admit to her faults. I thought that maybe she’s just saying that because she thought it would shut me up and it would be all good again. I would have to take it on the chin, so to speak, but it was taking its toll on who I was as a person.

I wasn’t perfect either but I knew that if I was wrong, I’d have the onus to say sorry and understand where my mistakes were made. Our fights were never ending and we weren’t able to come to an agreement, she decided she didn’t want to be together anymore. She broke up with me and the day after asked to get back together again. I actually laughed out loud! It’s hard to be with someone who won’t say ‘sorry’ for her mistakes, or when they do, there’s a lack of understanding behind the meaning of the word. I stopped replying to her messages, stopped answering her calls until one day I woke up and saw her in tears standing at the foot of my bed. I told her to leave my house and never step foot on my street again. It’s been 2 years and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.

Being with her was the greatest mistake for me growing up as a young adult. Understanding simple things like the difference between wants and needs, the importance of communication in a relationship, understanding different elements of love (not just through passionate sex), financial stability and management, priorities and setting goals.

The biggest thing for me was learning that ‘sorry’ or ‘I love you’ can have sound repercussions if said with whole-hearted meaning.

I initially only planned on having “Sorry” as the only story for this post, but after reading the toxic story, I was happy because it’s a crazy and relatable story. But I felt sad and dirty (sorry, author!) So I got in touch with another friend to give a more wholesome picture of eros love. Enjoy.

Everyday Love

One day when I was just shy of 19, a young man called my house looking for me. We had never met before but he was the brother of my cousin’s friend. His name was Erwin. He didn’t want anything in particular, just to talk, and we ended up talking for a long time. I remember thinking it was strange that we could talk so easily for two people who didn’t know each other.

We met face to face a little while later when I was hanging out with my cousin and his friend and Erwin came to pick up his brother. I felt very shy because he was “pogi” (Handsome). I said yes to be his girlfriend on his 24th birthday, about 3 months after our first date. He was my first boyfriend, my only and my last.

During most of our relationship, I was a leader in a youth group called YFC and Erwin was very supportive, even driving me to meetings on weeknights, and often waiting for the meeting to finish to drive me home again. He further supported me when, after 5 years together, I made the decision to become a YFC missionary, which meant 2 years apart while I went to New Zealand. The long distance relationship was hard but it was something I really wanted (and needed) to do. Erwin didn’t make a fuss or give me cause for worry, which enabled me to focus on NZ. I really appreciated that and it solidified our relationship built on mutual trust and respect for each other – our relationship strengthened and matured, as did we individually.

When I returned from NZ, we were ready and the time was right for us to get married. We have been blessed with two loving sons and a beautiful home. We have been together for 15 years now, and coming up to our 8 year wedding anniversary.

It used to bother me that Erwin was not “public” about our relationship. His best man even joked at our wedding about how his group of friends did not know Erwin had a girlfriend until we got engaged. But I’ve learned that love doesn’t need to be grand or “showy”. Erwin may not be “romantic” – he doesn’t buy me gifts or flowers or make public declarations – but he shows his love for me in everyday gestures. He supports and respects me, provides and protects for our family, and and I’ve come to appreciate and rely on his simple consistency.

I called my best friend after one week of dating and said, “He’s the man I’m going to marry.” We are polar opposites, but we see eye to eye on all the big things and I’ve never had that before.

Preview: One day he gave me the ultimatum. Choose, he said. Friends or relationship. Excuse me… What? I’m not ready? I’m not sure? Is this a joke? How can anyone force someone to choose?!

Check out the next instalment of Love Stories based on Eros on Wednesday 10 May at 3pm AEST

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I’ve finally come to understand that I don’t write,
because I know what I’m talking about,
I write precisely because I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I write to understand.
I write to unriddle my heart.

- Mike Donehey

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