Sunday, October 10, 2010

RELIGION

Damn I’m horny – the wife is watching TV – not interested – there will be no pussy today – hell, I’d settle for a hand job – I’m sure a blowjob is out of the question.

Regardless of the fossil record, the disconnection in sex drives between women and men is all that is needed to disprove intelligent design. On the six day God created man (if that’s so it was a rush job) - and if you believe that, I’ve got a condo in heaven I will sell you cheap. We are led to believe He created women as an afterthought (probably because the animals were complaining about Adams bestiality tendencies.)

There can be no doubt that God disdains women – I’ve always thought there was a homoerotic element in the Christian created God - with Jesus it’s even more obvious - I know that in the Divinci Code they attempt to make a link with Jesus and Mary Magdalene - but I think that is an attempt to cover up the fear that Jesus was homosexual - hey, He was way to intimate with his twelve disciples – He spurned the sexuality of women – He liked to put on big dinners: that’s gay. Churches would have you believe that Jesus was a god-man. He never took a crap – He never took a piss – He never beat-off – He never had sex – hell they would have you believe He didn’t have a butt hole or a penis – surely never farted – can’t you picture it: God Gas - if you could ever locate the Jesus family privy you could make a fortune on E-Bay selling bits of God Crap.

I marvel at the faith of Christians – a tornado can come down and turn their double-wide to match sticks, impale their dog on a telephone post and put grandpa in the hospital, but when the TV crew arrives their only comment will be to praise Jesus for delivering them from the storm:, “we’re alive – it’s a miracle.” It never occurs to them that God just took a big dump on them. But: God is love – All creatures grate and small – the Lord God made them all: whales, elephants, horses, dogs, rabbits, mice, the plague, AIDS virus, ebola, dysentery… - Praise Jesus – God the Father – God the Son – God the Holy Ghost – Not a sparrow falls… God is everywhere: God is here, God is in London, God is in France, God is in Jessica’s under pants. Ohhhhh Nooooo – not in Jessica’s underpants – there is only evil there – remember, God says women’s bodies are dirty – women are responsible for original sin - women the fornicators – women the adulterers – women the seducers – women’s butts – women’s vaginas - women’s mouths – women’s tits – women’s nipples … Ohhhhhh Nooooo! Not women’s nipples – man’s nipples ok – women’s nipples nasty – hide the children’s eyes – mustn’t see nipples – Janet Jackson – Ahhhhhhhh! Black women’s nipples – you’ll go blind.

Churches preach that sex is nasty. You won’t go to heaven if you have sex before marriage – or heaven forbid: un-natural sex (an abomination.) We must train the children: abstinence is holy – you can’t get to heaven if you have sex. No wonder that Christians are so frustrated.

Heaven - now there’s a concept. It’s easy to see that man invented religion in order to be able to impose illogical control on the faithful, but it is equally as obvious that women invented heaven. In their heaven there is obviously no sexual submission imposed on them.

HEAVENLY REWARD

You die and find yourself in heaven. St Peter meats you at the gate, “Congratulations, you have made the cut; you are about to enter heaven.”

YOU, “There really is a heaven!”

SP, “Oh yes, it’s real. Now, before you go through the indoctrination do you have any questions I could answer?”

YOU, “Yes, I seem to be hungry, is there food up here?

SP, “Absolutely, we have milk and honey bars.”

YOU, “Any steaks or burgers – how about bacon and eggs or pork chops with fries and onion rings?”

SP, “No, just milk and honey.”

YOU, “Is there whisky, beer or cigars?”

SP, “Of course not. Just milk and honey.”

YOU, “That’s disappointing, what about women?”

SP. “Yes, yes – there are actually more women here then men.”

YOU, “Things are looking up. Is there any restrictions on how we spend our days?”

SP. “It is not exactly restriction, but your days are already planned for you; you sit in the presence of God and sing His praise all day…it’s like being in church all day, nothing can be greater.”

YOU, “But what about sex?”

SP, “No, no, no…none of that. You see, women have no vaginas – they are not necessary here.”

YOU, “That’s not good news; but there is always anal sex (any port in a storm)?”

SP, “None of that either – God doesn’t want to have to deal with sewerage disposal – so you have no anus.”

YOU, “THIS SUX. I’ve been a good Christian all this time and this is what I get for an afterlife?”

SP, “Don’t complain, you could be down in hell. Look at the TV monitor. In hell everyone is necked – they are all fornicating – there is drunkenness and gang bangs and fetishes. All the whores and sluts and adulterers and bikers are down there – it is one continuous drunken orgy – I know it is hard to make out with all that loud rock-and-roll music and the tobacco and pot smoke around the camera, but you are fortunate you have come to heaven. This is your reward as a pious Christian.”

YOU, “No, this is hell!”

SP, “No, this is heaven.

YOU, “No, this is hell!

SP. “You know this is heaven. You were never made to believe otherwise.”

Copyright Discalimer

FAIR USE NOTICE:
This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for education purposes only in order to prompt a dialog on social issues. If you are the copyright owner please contact me if you wish any insert removed.