Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said - Part Deux

Here's the Part Deux! If you missed Part Une - click here. In this addition, small children discuss parts. And take things apart. It's pretty awesome.

Enjoy...

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My kids just figured out that the words "peanuts" and "penis" sound alike. And it's the funniest thing in the history of ever. Examples abound:

Kid 1: Charlie in my class is allergic to peanuts and tree nuts.
Kid 2: Then how does he pee? HAAAAAA!!!!
Kid 1: HAAAAAWWWWWWW! (stops laughing and looks deadly serious for one minute) I'm allergic to your peanuts because it is asgusting. (then falls out laughing at the hilarity of her own joke) Bwaaa haa haaa!
Kid 2: I don't care - I loooove my peanuts. (looks fondly at his junk and gives it a nice pat).

Kid 2: Hey Daddy, how come in the baseball song they say to buy me some penis?
Daddy: What? Huh?
Kid 2: Buy me some penis and cwackerjacks. What does it mean?
Kid 1: (giggling at the audacity of Kid 2)
Kid 2: Can you buy me some penis please? I'd really like that.

And it never gets old. For them.

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When my son was about 6 and his little brother was just getting mobile I took a shower *gasp* and left the two of them to watch a video in the TV room. When I got out I went to check on them and found ONLY my oldest son playing quietly *double gasp* all by himself. When I asked him where his little brother was he simply looked up at me and said "Let's just say he's somewhere nice and QUIET." WTF?! In total panic I start grilling him while frantically looking in cupboards, ovens, trash cans, etc for my younger son until FINALLY my older one admitted he put him IN THE CAR IN THE GARAGE!!! Sure enough, I opened up the door to find my younger one sitting in the drivers seat smiling at me like a crazy person.

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This one might not be that funny but it sure was one of those WTH was he thinking moments. When I was huge pregnant with my second son and having a bit of a tummy issue I got stuck in the bathroom for a good 5-10 minutes while my then 5-year old son played in the playroom. Towards the end of my "session" I heard a horribly loud THUD come from upstairs (where all the bedrooms were located) so I yanked myself together and ran up the stairs two at a time (not easy when you're giant pregnant with toilet paper stuck to you).

I walked towards my son's room to find him sitting in the middle of his bedroom floor, screwdriver in hand and the ENTIRE DOOR TO HIS BEDROOM laying beside him. At second glance I realized the kid had managed to SCALE the pantry shelves in order to obtain a screw driver (the correct kind I may add) and completely take the whole DOOR off the HINGES. I asked him WTH was going on and he simply said to me "I wanted it off."

Oh, my bad. Go on ahead.

The same week he took the damn water heater apart while I took a shower. We no longer keep screw drivers in our house.

My almost 4yr old daughter likes to play with play dough. Her favorite is to "make" gourmet dishes and have me and my husband (and occasionally cats) eat the creations:

1. we try to mix it up a little by asking her to create off-the-wall dishes. It's cute to hear her try to repeat our orders when bringing back the dangerously-stacked chunks of black play dough. Don't know why, but she prefers to use all black. Anywho... I asked her to make me Shrimp Scampi. She comes back and tells me, "Mommy, here is your tramp skimpy!"

2. I'm trying not to laugh at her creation's name and forget to only PRETEND to eat the black mess. I totally inhale a bite of dough....Frick.

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So my almost four year old couldn't say her C/K's, i.e.: her older sister is Pora or Bora instead of Cora. Well when we were eating dinner one Sunday evening (neighbors included) at my in-laws house, she tells everyone in her loud voice "I LOVE PORN!"

My son is obsessed with Toy Story and has all the dolls. One night, we went out for ice cream after dinner. The server took our order and started to walk away, when out of nowhere, my son calls to her in his really loud voice, "And I have a Woody!!" She just walked away a little faster!

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Our family was going on a weekend to the mountains of North Carolina one Easter. I packed my 4 year old son's bag for him with all his clothes and sat it by the door to be loaded in the car.

When we got to our relatives' house in NC, I took his bag to his room to get him settled. When I opened it up, there was one t-shirt and about 200 matchbox cars. I nearly lost my schmidt until he said to me "but Mama- I had to repack it because all the clothes took up the room I needed for my cars."
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My son and I were in the grocery store and I hear his little angelic voice say, "Mommy look it's Mickey Mouse." I am looking everywhere. Lunchboxes, Ice Cream aisle everywhere the little pipsqueak could have seen the Disney creation. Mind you we do not live in California or Florida where Mickey spottings are probably pretty prevalent.

He's tugging on my hand and now pointing at "Mickey." To my horror he is pointing to a young black gentleman walking in front of us with his well coiffed afro in pigtails. From the back, to a 3 year old (at the time) I guess he did look like Mickey. I think my face said it all to the gentleman when he turned around. He laughed and went about his way.

My son however was horrified he didn't get to have his picture taken with Mickey Mouse. It was a while before I took him to the grocery store again.
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Setting: I take almost 3 year-old Pumpkin Pie in a public bathroom after he announces to my office that he needs to pee. We go in the handicapped stall as it will fit us both best and appears to be the cleanest. He is standing on my feet (so he can reach the toilet) peeing and looking at the hand rail next to the toilet.

Pumkin Pie: Mommy, isn't that rail pretty? Me: Um, yes, very silvery.PP: I really like it.Me: Yes, it's very nice. (thinking, where is he going with this?)PP: Is it clean?Me: I guess so. (In comparison with the rest of the public restroom, right?)PP: Can I lick it?

I decided that telling my kids the proper names for body parts was not a good idea when my 2nd daughter had a rash. She was about 2/12-3 yrs old. We were in a shopping mall and she said loudly "My gina is sore" A little boy standing near by, about the same age, said "She has a Dinosaur?" I said "YES, she does!" and abruptly left the store with a very red face!
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When my son was about 4 1/2 we checked out a book from the library called "RataPata SkataFata" (or something like that). We'd been reading it for days, the story was about a little island boy who was always looking for a way out his chores and every time his mom assigned him a task he would close his eyes and say "ratapata skatafata" three times and his wish would come true, thus making it possible to escape his chores.

So after reading this book for about a week I took Little Man to the park one day, as I was getting all of our crap out of the car I noticed him hunched over, eyes closed whispering "RataPata SkataFata." When he had said it three times he opened his eyes and looks at me in utter astonishment and just like MAGIC had occurred he said in awe "My wish came TRUE!" Me, being so won over with his sweet innocent enthusiasm gushed "Oh baby what did you wish for?!" With a slow, EVIL grin he says, ever so slyly "That you were ugly" and turns with a snicker and walks away. For REAL?! I stood there, mouth open, trying to figure out if I should laugh or kick his smart a**.

I was at a store waiting to return something & a girl was bending over doing one of those computerized applications when my 3yr old son yelled, "Mom-ney, Look! Look Mom-ney, a fat hiney! A fat hiney just like you! 2 fat hineys mommy, 2 of those!"
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When my son was about 4 we were rushing for church I put him in the shower with me and he asked "mama where your penis??? I said, "Ummm, honey, boys have a penis and girls have vaginas." Unfazed he went about putting his clothes on wrong. We rush into church and on our way out our Pastor is standing to say goodbye to everyone. We stop and he bends down to my son my son tells him "Hey boys have penisisiss and my mom has a hairy giant!"