China

Yesterday, VFoC’s own Jesse J. wrote about China and how they’re completely out of control and making us literally shit our pants. Funny he should say SHIT (I could be paraphrasing), because that’s what China is doing to us, YET AGAIN, today. Not only are WE shitting our pants, but the crazy muthafukkin Chinese, well one professor An Yashi to be specific, is collecting cute little panda poopoos and making it into the world’s “most expensive tea”. Ok, I’m very sorry dear delicate reader, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you want to wander over to our website and read on a Wednesday evening, but know this, when you leave our website you’ll be just a little bit more hardened to the real world, the world out there that skirts around issues and makes things bubblegum and candydrops. So continue reading and become an outraged, dreamless drifter like we here at VFoC have become.

Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting please !!

Not long ago, I read a story about some Japanese scientist making nutritious steakstuff out of human poop. Now granted, Japan and China are two different entitites, but they’re kinda the same, you know. Which leads me to the question, “What in the hell is your fascination with fecal matter you Asians?”. First you want to pretend it’s Play-Doh and run it through the Fun Time Play-Doh Meat Factory Playset making tri-tip and filet mignon and now you want to shovel up some of Kung Fu Panda’s finest from the zoo, dry it, shove it in a fine gossamer mesh pyramid tea bag that allows top-quality panda nuggets to reach their full potential, unfurl, and expand for an even and flavor-rich infusion, and then have Teavana sell it to us at the mall? And on top of it all you greedy shit collectors want to sell it at $40,000/lb. ?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO YOU GREEDY SHIT PEOPLE??

Look, I’m not a drug dealer, nor do I know how much drugs cost out there on the street

The latest tea kiosk at the mall

market, but I could venture to guess that I could buy enough blow for $40,000 to get at least a dozen pandas straight jacked out of their gourd and shit directly into my glass of hot boiling water and collect the rest of the other 11’s droppings for many a long cold winter night for years to come. So, my hats off to you for your entrepreneurial endeavor, but let’s get real Chinese tea guy, if people want a hot steamy cup of brown liquid that resembles panda dookie, they could just as easily run over to Starbuck’s and save $39,990.

China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

…

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51” and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51” for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or “test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2”.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

…

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51” and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51” for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or “test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2”.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

Greetings adventurers! It has been many days since our last correspondence, I apologize, I have been kept away from my leisure pursuits by an urgent call from the “scientific” community to a conference of my fellow monster hunters!

The mythical, bloodthirsty, killer of men.

As you are all keenly aware by now, I am a professional pursuer of the preposterous. A chaser of the unknown. A tracker of the nuh-uh. I hunt down those things impossible and I say right to their face, “There you the fuck are!” So when my Impossiphone rang last week informing me of a coming gathering in Siberia to hunt down the elusive Yeti, I nearly choked on my Big Foot burger as I sprang from my Chupacabra skin arm chair, tilted back the head of the Darwin bust on my side table, pushing the hidden button inside and sliding down the fireman’s pole that it revealed behind the sliding bookcase and into the waiting Skepticave!

So when scientists arrive in the Kemerova region of Siberia later this week, they will find a picked over pile of “evidence” which I have already personally checked thoroughly against my own findings which I have archived in my Cryptoputer. It seems sightings of the “Honky Sasquatch” have “increased threefold in the area over the past 20 years.” “with scientists estimating that there is a current population of at least several dozen in the area.” This sudden IMPOSSIBLE uptick in Yeti gawking has naturally necessitated a gathering of the finest minds in the field of crazy science. The Lunatic signal appeared over the skies of the United States, Canada, Sweden, Estonia, Mongolia and China, calling forth the International League of Guessologists.

Foot print? Possibly. Just as likely this is an impression of where the Yeti mated with this mountain.

After their examination of the new evidence, “basic twig huts, twisted branches and footprints up to 35 centimeters” found in the area, they will no doubt come to the same conclusion that I have, we must pursue this snow monster to the ends of the Earth! They will then gather their heartiest men and submit their proposed expedition team for my approval. I will put them all to the physical and mental test, weeding out the weak, revealing the true character of these explorers, stripping them to their barest, truest selves, revealing to them, likely for the first time, who they truly are.

Then I will rebuild them, mold them, shape them to be the finest team of Challengiers of the Incredimpossible! Certainly, many of us will still be killed in the expedition. All of the training that I could provide them will not properly prepare them for the reality of the thing that they face. This beast has remained hidden, elusive, despite my previous best efforts. Once I do finally corner it, look it square in the face and tell it that I can see the shit out of it, it will have no recourse but to fight me for its very existence. I am prepared to do battle with the beast, accepting that the only evidence I will be able to produce of it’s existenve is what I will be able to pick from between my teeth once the snow has cleared.

I take no pleasure in the murdering of these fine beasts. I do not do it for pleasure. I do it because the world must know that these things were real. Very real. As real as you and me. Before I killed them with my bare hands and bathed in the warmth of their entrails. All in the name of science. Or something similar.

Ok seriously China what the fuck is wrong with your peripheral neuropathy? I guess the better question to ask would be “what the fuck is wrong with your cutlery manufacturers”?

A few months ago I wrote about a man in China who was stabbed in the head. In the goddamn’d head people! The blade of the knife broke in his skull and was lodged in zombie-boy’s cranium for four wonderful years. THIS time a 26 year old Chinese lady, Ying Shi, was stabbed in what I’d best describe as the asshole, or the Sphinxbox, or … well here’s a list of possibilities. She was stabbed in a mugging in which the 6″ blade broke off in her ass, was in there for four months before she got herself checked because of severe stomach pains.

Now come on, is this some sort of joke China? Do you have some sort of anti-tourism campaign due to sloppy mugging tactics in place to keep us filthy Americans out of your country? These stories are just too far fetched, and two broken-knife-in-body-stabbings stories where blade in oriface go unnoticed are just too unbelieveable. I’ve seen the “picture” you’ve supplied as “evidence”, and I’d have to say it would be best described as “The World’s Worst Anal Porn DVD Cover Ever!”.

Perhaps this is some sort of misdirected jealousy against our Ginsu Knives of the late 70’s/early 80’s? It makes total sense. We steal the extremely Chinese’y sounding name, we brand it with Asian’esque lettering and then the final slap in the face, we use your Ming Dynasty aura to sell millions of them. So now you’re trying to duplicate the miracle blade, but your R&D budget is so non-existent that the only real way to test the strength and sharpness of your Made-In-China version is to go around stabbing people to see if the blade is up to spec, but the damn handle keeps breaking so back to the drawing board.

So I guess you’ll just have to make your own decision as to what’s the truth for this Chinese knife implant epidemic. Either she was actually mugged or she came up with the best ever solution for keeping one’s boyfriend from begging to Plow The Back Field.

Ok seriously China what the fuck is wrong with your peripheral neuropathy? I guess the better question to ask would be “what the fuck is wrong with your cutlery manufacturers”?

A few months ago I wrote about a man in China who was stabbed in the head. In the goddamn’d head people! The blade of the knife broke in his skull and was lodged in zombie-boy’s cranium for four wonderful years. THIS time a 26 year old Chinese lady, Ying Shi, was stabbed in what I’d best describe as the asshole, or the Sphinxbox, or … well here’s a list of possibilities. She was stabbed in a mugging in which the 6″ blade broke off in her ass, was in there for four months before she got herself checked because of severe stomach pains.

Now come on, is this some sort of joke China? Do you have some sort of anti-tourism campaign due to sloppy mugging tactics in place to keep us filthy Americans out of your country? These stories are just too far fetched, and two broken-knife-in-body-stabbings stories where blade in oriface go unnoticed are just too unbelieveable. I’ve seen the “picture” you’ve supplied as “evidence”, and I’d have to say it would be best described as “The World’s Worst Anal Porn DVD Cover Ever!”.

Perhaps this is some sort of misdirected jealousy against our Ginsu Knives of the late 70’s/early 80’s? It makes total sense. We steal the extremely Chinese’y sounding name, we brand it with Asian’esque lettering and then the final slap in the face, we use your Ming Dynasty aura to sell millions of them. So now you’re trying to duplicate the miracle blade, but your R&D budget is so non-existent that the only real way to test the strength and sharpness of your Made-In-China version is to go around stabbing people to see if the blade is up to spec, but the damn handle keeps breaking so back to the drawing board.

So I guess you’ll just have to make your own decision as to what’s the truth for this Chinese knife implant epidemic. Either she was actually mugged or she came up with the best ever solution for keeping one’s boyfriend from begging to Plow The Back Field.

There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world and poison cultures with dreams of throwing away everything that’s made them special as a people in search of a dream of blue jeans and Coke-a-cola in a bottle. Either one of these are sure fire signs that you’re King Shit and the world needs to get used to the cold hard fact that they’re just going to have to take it for a while.

Most of the time when a power reaches this level, it takes a while to fully realize just when and where they staked their claim to heavy weight super power status. It’s the kind of thing usually best left to historians to pinpoint years, even decades later. And while I’m no history scientist, I think I can nail down for you right here and now exactly when China announced to the world that they were taking their place as masters of the planet. And it is here:

China is making robots to stick it’s dick in, and there is fuck all we can do about it.

A couple weeks ago at what the Chinese cleverly called a “medical supply expo”, but which I know full well is China’s 4th Annual Invitational Handjob Robot Design Competition, they revealed this year’s winning entry, the “Automated Semen Collector”. Said to be designed for “patients who have trouble getting erect, or feel uneasy with the traditional erotic magazine and plastic cup method of semen collection” and that “this new medical breakthrough may provide some welcome relief.”

I don’t pretend to understand Asian culture and anyone who does is just seeing how long you’ll believe all of the crazy things they’re making up on the spot. In my extensive research on the subject of Japanese sexuality I have discovered that they have a thing for plaid skirts, that no intercourse is consensual or free of tentacles and that their reproductive organs are a cruel jumble of blurry squares. I know very little about Chinese fornication specifically, but based on their development of penis fondling robots, I think it’s safe to say that they are of a similar mind.

"Prime Directive: Yanky Cranky. Secondary Directive: YANKY CRANKY!"

I get that the Asian culture is very repressed which causes such violently crazy sexual deviance to emerge when you peel back the surface, but I don’t understand how a jerk off machine in a doctor’s office could possibly be a more welcome, less uneasy experience than ogling pixellated school girls and depositing your communist goo in a cup the way America’s god intended it! But I also know that this is just sour grapes from a man who doesn’t have a robot to stroke me off while trying, and failing, to figure out what exactly to do with my hands the entire time. And it’s just made to sound all the hotter when I read the sensual copy that accompanies this Pleasure Nurse:

The patient stands before the machine and puts his penis, flaccid or erect, into the tube-shaped protrusion, whereupon it moves forward and back automatically like a piston. The inside of the tube is lined with a soft silicon material that provides gentle stimulation until ejaculation is reached.

And I know that I personally would be very disappointed if the machine itself did not recite this bit of text over and over until it’s mission had finally been accomplished or the subject tore itself from its grasp, unable to ever stop screaming again. Which ever punned first.

But bigger than national pride or the future of our nation’s economic independence, news of this kind is, I think, the most important reason we need to pay back our debt to China as soon as possible. Just imagine for a second that you had the technology to make robots to jerk you off and someone else had the money you could be spending to make them. Me, in that situation; I’d be super pissed.

So the sooner we get China their money back, the sooner we can get to work on trying to close the gap in this substitute arms race. We’re America damn it, we can do anything we put our minds to and I say to you here and now that by 2021, we can, we will, we MUST put an American made suck bot on every red white and blue penis in this great land of ours! Our time has not yet passed, you hear us China?! Our robots have not yet BEGUN to suck! USA! USA! USA!

Candy In Your Inbox?

I left the candy in the van, come with me and we'll get some. What's your favorite? If you would like some candy in your inbox enter your email address and click on the button below. So .. do ya wan't some? It's yummy.

WARNING:

Van Full of Candy only encourages you to climb aboard metaphorical vans for the sole purpose of humorous content. Any embarking upon physical vans, existing in a three dimensional space is to be done with the foreknowledge that you will almost certainly be molested therein. But if that's your thing, enjoy the ride...