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Friday, June 15, 2012

Samedi et Vendredi et Lundi et Dimanche

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday (Fridet? Frides?
Fridez? (We were trying to make “Friday” be Frawnch. Of course, since Our idea of speaking Frawnch
is a Pepe LePew accent, We were a little hampered. Then, of course, we Googled it on Wikipedia…”Vendredi”? Seriously?
Like that’s even a word.
Whatever, Francelanders.)) But
enough of this speaking in tongues…happy birthday to The Lovely And Talented Mike
Doh, who turns twenty-four today.
Really! For the first time and
everything! (We shall try to be gentle.) If you need your memory refreshed as to who The
Lovely And Talented Mike Doh actually is, you can see more of him here: (Not, of course,
as much of him as WE saw the day We filmed that, but then you are not Us.) Also, happy birthday to The Lovely And
Talented Mike Doh’s friend Ben, who is also turning twenty-four today. For the tenth time. Pratfalls make pursestraps, or whatever that
old saying is. Ben is not actually
reading this, as he has no idea that We even exist, but perhaps later in the
day The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh will read it to him.

Well,
that certainly was a lot of crap about a bunch of people no one has ever heard
of. Moving on, to Our FAVORITE person,
Us Our Own Self Personally, you will be pleased to hear that We are about to
embark on a brand new relationship! Yes
indeed, ladies and genitals, We have Ourself A Love Interest! And, in one of those quirky twists of fate
that only seem to happen to Us, she is an actual woman of the female
persuasion! You’re shocked, We know…so
were We at first. Particularly when We
received her email the other day. We
shall reproduce that particular billet doux here, for the romantics amongst
you:

U
haven’t got an imagination what really cool beauty is all about if you haven’t
spent time with me!

Name
of mine is Allison Blankenship and I am really cool! I liked your profile very
much and in this mean I decided to write you this message and talk to you.

Let’s
know each other better and it could be we could become friends, lovers or maybe
have some serious relations. My info: I am 26 yo and I am working as a seller
in insurance company.

I
am a brown haired and got first size of boobs. And now, what is about you,
darling?

Oh,
Allison, Allison, Allison…how do We love thee, let Us count the ways. We are 24, yo, and are all about the serious
relations. (Meanwhile, on a side note,
could We prevail upon one of Our str8 boi readers to inform Us what the hell “first
size of boobs” is? ThanksSoMuch.)

In
other television news, We have just finished the 4th season of Breaking Bad, aka TV Shows Str8 Bois
Like, and We would like to know in what universe anyone ever imagined that that
show was gonna end after the 4th season? Because that’s what We were specifically told
when We embarked upon this drug-addled odyssey, but, having just seen said
season, there was no “okay, we’re wrapping this up now” about it. And they are now committed to Season
Five. Parts One and Two. All We know is, if you’re gonna do a TV show
about recreational drugs, there should be free samples. Just sayin’.

Here’s
the HorrorScope:

Oh.
Our. God. (Or “OOG”, as the kidz would
say.) Not only is it the birthday of The
Lovely And Talented Mike Doh. And His Penis, which We can be seen staring at in
the video up-page. Not only is it the birthday of The Lovely And Talented Mike
Doh’s Friend Ben Who Must Die. It is also the birthday of Neil. Patrick.
Harris. Roll Us in frosting and
poke at Our rosebud! (Is that a
saying? Because, if it’s not, it should
be. (Much like “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad”. Once We are finally famous, all y’all will be
kicking yourselves for not adopting all of our pithy sayings before they became
trendy.))

Your
diplomatic side is showing today (Hey, a muumuu can only cover so much!)

—
and that’s perfect for now! (“Perfect for now”?
Seriously?)

You
should find that people are much more responsive to sweet charm than to brute
force. (Especially sweet charm with a roofie in it.)

Open
up and show them! (Shouldn’t We clean
out the cobwebs first?)

(You’re
imagining that now, aren’t you? So
solly.)

Your
charm will be your greatest asset today, (Was that a fat joke?)

(Also,
apropos of nussing, what is Angela Bassett’s greatest asset?)

(That
was a little gift for Our str8 boi readers.
So they could stop imagining Us cleaning the cobwebs out from under Our
muumuu. (Oh, did We bring that up
again? Ooops…))

(All
together now: “Too bad, so sad, anal sex
with your dad.”)

so
unleash your brightest smile whenever you can. (Because you’re never fully dressed without a
smile…(you just know it’s all downhill from here, if We’ve started singing
songs from Annie. (Okay, musical
theatre queens, today’s assignment: a
mash-up of Annie and Annie
Get Your Gun. Ethel Merman, Andrea
McArdle…GO!!!)))

(The Lovely And
Talented Mike Doh just came in his Tuesday panties. The warm and wonderful feeling resulting
therefrom will only be topped when he aces today’s audition by singing “You Cain’t Get A Man With A Hard-Knock Life”.)

(We do so love when
We have A Theme Day here at Erix Daily Horoscope. (Also, “therefrom” is so too a word,
Micro$oft Weird™.))

And
try to keep smiling even if things become less than pleasant. (Weren’t things “perfect for now” just a few sentences
ago?)

The
little mountains you climb every day are life’s way of keeping you on your
toes, (Well, wasn’t THAT just a Rodgers and Hammerstein song?)

so
do not let yourself get frustrated if the same old issues keep popping up. (We’re
gonna need a bigger muumuu.)

Getting
things settled once and for all requires continued effort. (Okay, Kelli…words? Have meanings. If you get things settled “once and for all”,
the effort stops continuing at some point.
AssHat.)

You just have to keep plugging away (That’s
what she said.)

—
and then annoyances will go away. (And
yet, We suspect that the annoyance of people saying “that’s what she said” is here
to stay.)

You’re
living in a material world, (And We are a material girl. However, We do at least have the sense to
refrain from flashing people Our geriatric breastusses.)

and
material things transmit certain messages. (Titty sprinkles!)

That
doesn’t make you shallow, though. (No, Our lack of depth makes Us shallow. Duh.)

Think
of matter as being a manifested spirit. (YOU think of it…that sounds like it
will give Us a sick headache.)

What
do the physical details about your new suitor say? (Well, she’s got the first size of boobs.)

(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.