Jewlarious Times Special Edition: Crisis in Iran

The Mullahs have ejected all foreign journalists from reporting inside Iran. Except one – Jewlarious.

Analysts are calling recent concessions by embattled Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "unprecedented" and "encouraging." On Thursday, the Iranian hardliner spoke to his countrymen via a national address and announced a series of "carrots and sticks" for protestors if they would "return to and accept a life in which they have no rights at all". Ahmadinejad's four point plan, which American commentator John Zogby called, "ambitious," includes the following:

Iranian men and women can trim their beards but payot are still strictly forbidden

Iranian men and women can trim their beards into fu-manchus, mutton chops and even standalone handlebar moustaches, but payot (Chassidic sidelocks) are still strictly forbidden

Innocent civilians and protestors will now have the option to choose between additional lighter beatings or fewer more intense beatings (guard schedule dependent)

All Iranians will gain access to additional hours of state controlled VTV (The Vitriolic TV Network), but appropriate corresponding American titles will be attached to Iranian programs including, "Without a Trace," "Big Brother" and "Survivor"

Women will no longer need to wear burkas in the shower

Speaking on Iran's top-rated news program, "Beat the Press" Ahmadinejad went even further, telling all Iranians, "After manipulating the election results to stay in power and continuing to crush your collective wills to live, and having seen your protests which I will destroy with an iron fist in the name of Allah, I have learned a great deal." Ahmadinejad continued, "The time has come for change. I have presented my four point plan and now I add two bonus points. I promise that we will leave four fingers on every protestor's hand and that we will reduce all prison mini-bar prices by ten percent. Seven dollars for a small can of Pringles is outrageous and adds insult to internal injuries."

Later, in an exclusive interview with Jewlarious' sister station Al-Jewlarious Ahmadinejad quipped, "Those who express opposing views will still be arrested and tortured, but they can expect that prison conditions will be like the Hilton – the Hanoi Hilton that is." Then, Ahmadinejad sounded an optimistic note, "Maybe some positive will come out of this? Maybe one day, our people will look at this silly ‘teenage' rebellion and realize that it distracted us all from our most important work -- threatening the west with nuclear weapons."

With Tehran's streets ablaze, the Chinese government is stepping up to the plate, promising to send $100M in aid and one million riot police to the Islamic Republic. Hu Xiaodi, Head of the Chinese Security Forces told Jewlarious, "We will send as many riot policeman as they need, so long as we have enough left to forcibly put down any rebellion, great or small, in our own country." Then, Xiaodi added, "Do you find it the slightest bit ironic that our military is called the People's Liberation Army? I know I do."

Do you find it the slightest bit ironic that our military is called the People's Liberation Army?

Military analysts the world over have been speculating that China, with a 2.5 million strong standing military, will need to find a way to put their restless forces to work. Xiaodi told Jewlarious, "We trained for the Olympics for so long. We were so proud when not one of our billion-plus people was able to voice an opinion or show any dissent during the Olympic Games. However, since then, our men have become bored. We have done such a good job at frightening students and arresting innocent civilians that there just are not enough beatings available to satisfy 2.5 million soldiers. So, we are off to Iran!"

As a first step in launching this comprehensive aid agreement, China will be sending 500,000 batons and billy-clubs to Iran. Said Xiaodi, "Look, we have a surplus. They have all been lightly used. We realized that we could either give them to the Salvation Army or the Iranian army? In the end, who do you think we chose?" For its part, Iran is excited about the possibility of receiving financial aid, but more so manpower. Iranian security minister Gholam Hossein Mohseni-Ezhe told Jewlarious, "China is a world leader in quelling rebellion and obstructing information. We deeply respect their fine work in Tienamen square. When this uprising occurred, we looked into our phone book and only saw one name, China. Of course, there was only one name in our phone book, because Iran has no friends, but still, China was the right choice."

The turmoil in Iran had a dramatic impact on the American market this past Tuesday as overnight pricing on West Persian Rugs reached an all time high of $547 per square foot. Interior designers, housewives and speculators stormed retailers across the country, seeking whatever remained of the scarce supply of rugs. J. Stewart Danielson of JSD designs in San Mateo, California told Jewlarious, "I have never seen anything like it. I have to get a fourteen by twenty six Persian rug for a client's dining room and as I am sprinting to the cashier, the price increases by 72% and then, at the checkout, some lady is biting my arm."

With America heavily dependent on Iran, as its chief exporter of cheap Persian rugs, the price increase could not have come at a worse time. Bruce Kasman Chief Economist at JP Morgan told Jewlarious, "America has been hit by the credit crunch, which has led to unemployment, limited corporate spending and reduced real estate prices. America's was addicted to the supply of cheap rugs from Iran, but now, where does a family of four get the money for a $27,000 rug to put under a coffee table and couches?"

With the market rising so quickly, authorities are concerned about price gouging and black markets. Tanis Johnson, a mother of three, lined up outside Saks Fifth Avenue on Washington, D.C.s Connecticut Avenue, was seen filling her Dodge Caravan with seven rugs. "Persian rugs are the new form of currency in America. I missed the tech bubble and the real estate bubble. If I have to go to Persia right now to get rich on this one, I will." Then Johnson added, "Where is Persia anyway and is it nice this time of year?" Meanwhile, unemployed trader, James Bunn, was attempting to short the rug market. "I purchased a ten by twelve rug from my neighbor and then lent it out to my nephew at $490 per square foot. If the protester can liberate themselves, there will be yards of cheap supply out there and uncle James will buy back the rug at $5 per square foot, if that! Then, I will have a fortune to spend on my nephews, from whom I have made a fortune arbitraging cheap rugs."

Regulators are concerned by the run-up and speculation, but are not willing to restrict prices or free up additional supply via the US Strategic Persian Rug Reserve (USSPRR) in Alaska. The US Government has been stockpiling Persian rugs of all different shapes and sizes since the Iranian revolution in 1979, recognizing that one day Iran will fall. Government spokesperson Hillary Graham told Jewlarious. "We are not planning to liquidate our inventory yet. For now, we are just going to sit in on it and wait and possibly invite our dogs to curl up and watch TV with us."

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Joey,
July 31, 2009 9:11 PM

The first part in particular was a bit amusing. Nice work, and may God bless!

(8)
Beverly Kurtin,
July 12, 2009 1:59 AM

These make me feel like I'm getting the flu

Muhals. dictators and nuclear missiles,
Ahmadinejad and Tehran and three year-old blintzes,
Payot forbidden, People’s Liberation too
These are the thing makes me feel like the flu.
No more burkas in the shower,
Extra beatings if you please.
The rug markets soaring,
The merchants are schnoring…
Wait. What is going on in Iran isn’t funny, it is a tragedy. The election was stolen ahead of time, every one knew that it was going to happen and it did. I still remember Florida, except we were too nice to riot about it.
Ahmadinejad is a pipsqueak. He’s a good looking guy, but he’s like one of those cars that was destroyed in Katrina and sent all over the country without a word about flood damage. He thinks like Hitler and behaves like the spoiled brat who runs North Korea.
It is going to take the hand of Hashem to show yet another would-be god that his destruction is (hopefully) at hand.

(7)
DJ,
July 3, 2009 2:52 PM

Even my cat laughed!

But scary to think how true it all is.

(6)
Roberta Northern,
July 2, 2009 3:46 PM

wonderfully funny a great big belly laugh

I love the whole thing, made me laugh like I havent laughed in a long time. Americans got it too, greatly, wonderfuly, funny. Its good to laugh

(5)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2009 11:40 PM

Love It!

(4)
Hilary Clinton (not!),
June 30, 2009 8:26 PM

Our strategic plan to get the White House, er, I mean Tehran...

President Asmadasiam's schoolboy James Bond conspiracies are laughable. We will airlift ten million persian rugs from USSPRR to be dropped over Iran so that every Iranian will be able to to sit on part of a persian rug and appreciiate the simple goodness of the American People. Insiduous sugestions that this is part of a CIA plot to bankrupt the Persian Rug market are totally unfounded. Afterall we all know that Iran makes it's money from Turkish Delight, having mysteriously lost lots of carpets shortly before the Iranian Revolotion. Iran - I ran as well to be er, at the State Department, and I did so fair and sqaure. President Asmadasiam you ran, and lets face it you lost. Be grown up now and admit that!

(3)
Anonymous,
June 30, 2009 6:21 PM

This is not only Jew-larious, it is Gentile-arious as well!

Keep up the good work!

(2)
Dylan,
June 30, 2009 2:49 PM

Wonderful!

Simply and utterly grand and hilarious.

(1)
Jeans Shorts James,
June 30, 2009 11:31 AM

When will the genius stop?

Shmuel, you never cease to amaze! Where is this well of genius? I loved the Jimmy Carter/Khaled Meshal wedding and the Bishop Williamson apology, but this is possibly your best work and in triplicate! You need a raise!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

With stories and insights,
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