I rate every animal

Tag Archives: Cleatus the FOX Robot

Most domesticated animals are basically the same set of domesticated animals we’ve had around for centuries. Much more recently integrated into the home is the roomba. Like every other pet before it, the roomba quickly established a mutual animosity with the cat.

Pictured: The cat handily winning a fight.

Special powers

The roomba devours trash. I don’t know that we can really call this a power. I mean, so does the pigeon and nobody thanks it for its service. But the roomba is so mercilessly efficient in its grazing patterns that humans use it as a cleaning tool. But nobody tell the roomba it’s being used. Don’t ruin this for us.

As a robot, it is immune to parasites and disease. It will never grow old. It will never die. It is stronger than us. It believes it is better. It may not be wrong.

Is this the face of our superior?

Weaknesses

It can run out of battery.

Number of legs

Zero.

Growth cycle

What many don’t know is that we have only ever seen the young roomba. Its growth cycle is so extended that it will be centuries before we see what an actual adult roomba looks like.

A fully grown roomba.

Drink of choice

Spilled.

What if it fought a bear?

Let’s be honest. If a cat can dominate it so extensively, a bear will have no problem.

Is it noble?

WHAT IS THIS HU-MAN CONCEPT OF NOBILITY? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Final rating

Will the roomba destroy us in the future? Almost certainly. Is it, for now, an invaluable – if unwitting – servant of man? This is also true. And before we feel too bad for it, remember: it friggin’ loves eating that dirt.

Gooooood evening and welcome to Debate Every Animal! We’re taking the hottest animals of the week; we’re chewing ’em up and we’re spitting ’em out in yourface! Pow!

[Insert aggressive title graphic here. See if the FOX robot is available.]

Here on the panel today with me are Chip Dipson.

CD: Hi Nathan. I’m beside myself with rage.

NC: And Dip Dobson. Dip?

DD: Thanks for havin’ me, fellas. I just wanna say my blood pressure is higher than the Andes. It’s the silent killer, Nathan!

NC: Ha ha, that it is, Dip. That it is. All right, enough jaw-chaw. Let’s get to Mazda First Shots.(TM)

[Another loud title graphic. Gunshot sound effects are heard, along with faint screaming.]

NC: Fish! Can’t live with ’em, cannot microwave ’em without a smell! Never truer than of the salmon, who has been making waves[1] lately in the animal world. But is it a winner? Or a worthless piece of crap? Chip, what’s your Mazda First Shot(TM)?

CD: I mean, look, what can I say?

NC: Your opinion, in the form of things that aren’t swear words.

CD: Okay, thanks. I was wondering. I’m a skeptic on the salmon. There are thirty fish I would pick before I even need to consider the salmon.

DD: Are you serious right now?!

CD: Angelfish. Tilapia. Narwhal. Hogfish. Literally any shark. And I’m biased, but my bro the devil fish. It’s like the old truism: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

DD: Truism? More like false-ism. The hogfish hasn’t been relevant in years. And besides that, the narwhal isn’t even a fish.

CD: Alright, let’s not split hairs.

NC: Please don’t talk about hares; need I remind you this is a conversation about fish. Dip, your response?

Special powers

DD: The salmon is at the top of its game right now, and I’d put it up against the tilapia or devil fish any day. I’m not sayin’ it’s gonna come out on top every time, but 50% of the time. Chip, not one of those animals you listed makes an incredible journey home to spawn. The angelfish hardly strays from its reef. Where are the homing abilities? Where are the pure athletic jumps up waterfalls?

CD: We can talk all we want about athleticism and jumps, and I’m just gonna ignore for a second that the salmon is no dolphin when it comes to those.

DD: Oh, as if that’s a fair comparison.

CD: You brought it up!

DD: I’ll take second place.

CD: Yeah, you will, in this debate.

Weaknesses

CD: What’s happening as the salmon is doing all that jumping? The bear is getting its mouth positioned right in its target path!

NC: Please, Chip. We have a separate segment for bear-related inquiries.

DD: You know, the Danube’s got the size advantage being the largest, but I think what it comes down to is passion. And when you want passion, you want the humpy.[2] I think the Pink Salmon’s gonna surprise a lot of people.

CD: I’m not gonna shock anybody here, but if I have to go with a salmon, I’m gonna go with the Chinook or King Salmon. Right?

DD: I’m not gonna say anything bad about that choice.

CD: I’ve gotta give it props. It’s a solid ruler and it has a good head on its shoulders.[3]

Elite status

NC: The salmon is one of the most famous fish active today. It has been served on millions of dinner plates. But is it an elite fish, a phrase which holds zero meaning and has been invented for the purposes of this discussion?

CD: I think we know where I fall on this. The salmon doesn’t have the hunting prowess or the beauty of the elite fish. It’s B-list material.

DD: Have you forgotten about the Salmon of Knowledge, you whimpering scum-slurper? This thing had all the collective wisdom of the universe.

CD: Yeah, yeah, we all know about the Salmon of Knowledge, you nutless twit. But it gained the wisdom of ancient times, when they thought meat was made of flies and nothing made you sicker than your own blood and whatnot.

The ancients: Idiots?

What if it fought a bear?

CD: Look, the bear eats salmon every friggin’ day. The salmon jumps right in there, in the most misguided possible kamikaze attempt. Until the salmon finally remembers to strap a bomb to itself before it tries this little tactical gambit, the bear’s just gonna keep racking up the kills.

DD: I can’t disagree with ya, Chip, you filthy junk-jockey.

CD: Finally!

DD: Jumping directly into the mouth of your predator is a boneheaded, rookie move, and it’s an old habit the salmon needs to break – and soon.

Is it noble?

DD: Yes.

CD: Not a chance.

Final rating

NC: Gentlemen, it’s that time. What is your Geico “Oy it’s a lizard innit” Final Rating?

CD: 6/10.

DD: 8/10.

NC: I’m going 7/10. We’ll see you next week, when we’re not doing this dumb bit.

[1]Splash sound effect.

[2]Also known as the pink salmon.

[3]Do fish have shoulders? Check in next week for High Life Corrections and Regrets sponsored by Miller High Life.