16.10.09

it's mid afternoon on an October friday. the wind is howling its howl from cold northeast waters. waters cooling now as the leaves drift in the streets where just days ago they swayed freely from limbs on trees. the buoy reads ten feet at seven seconds this afternoon. it will continue to build as the first nor'easter of the year makes its way across the land. meanwhile I sit at my desk and bite my nails. one moment I raise my seat using the hydraulic lever. the next minute I lower the seat again and curl me right leg under me trying hard to find a comfortable position that won't be found. B's at home, belly like a homage to perfect roundness and beauty. the One inside is coming soon. we know it's soon but not sure when. so little and already a mind of her/his own. good. I obsess on sneaking another surf session in before my duties shift from self fulfillment to caretaker. surely self fulfillment of a different form will manifest itself across the face of the little One as it looks up at us wondering where the liquid darkness disappeared to.

a shift...

plenty of opinions out there these days. seems like everyone has negative opinions to freely offer like the air coming from lungs. few people offer positive opinions. human condition? perhaps. since my teen years so many 'mentors' I've had at work and school have warned against devoting so much passion and time into non-commercial ways. "you'll grow out of it." or my favourite and perhaps most cliched one - "soon you'll realize that it's time to grow up and stop playing games. that's what real life is all about." naysayers are often not exactly people to be admired for their own personal successes and charisma. they are the watchers. they are the one's whose frontal lobes lost all risk taking proclivities after their adolescence. they are the ones who are satisfied with mediocrity. they are the ones who never get drunk and dance and sing. the ones who don't shed a joyful tear for fear of shame. they are the watchers. they are the critics and the judges and rarely the players. they are the ones who cannot see the beauty of the lessons learned in failure. or the sense of fulfillment found in reaching the summit. they are the ones who don't ride their bikes for fear of cars. the ones who don't know what direction is north and where the wind blows. they are the watchers. they are not the players. they abhor suffering and are afraid of true joy. they know not their limits for fear of testing themselves. they are the opnion givers. the watchers. watch on watchers. I'm going outside to play.