I was inspired to write this piece by a female friend. This friend, who is in her mid-30s, recently asked me “I don’t get it. I have a graduate degree, I make great money, I own property, I’ve got a great car, I’m independent and I’m ambitious. Why can’t I get a good man to marry?” I told her the truth, and it seemed to shock her: “Most guys don’t care about any of that. They want the hottest, youngest girl they can find that pumps their egos and make them feel like a million bucks.” Of course she totally refused to believe it.

But this was hardly an isolated case. I’ve definitely noticed a rising epidemic among modern, “politically enlightened” big-city women. They’ve figured out everything, it seems, except how to get married. There are more women than ever in their 30s and 40s who seem to have figured out everything from career to real estate to retirement; everything, that is, except how to get a partner for life. I’m here to help, but I have to warn you that this will be unpleasant for many of you to hear, especially since it goes against what modern society has been telling women to do for the past two generations, which is to chase status and career accomplishments like men traditionally have. This is part 1 of a 2-part series, and it focuses on modern women who can’t find a steady man at all. Part 2 will focus on women who have a man or can find men but can’t seem to get them to commit to marriage.

The main problem many modern women have as far as finding satisfactory men is that they have let feminism tell them what men like rather than actually watching the actions of men. And a major problem of feminist ideology is that it often confuses being equal with men with being identical to men. Therefore many women start believing that the things that make a man’s stock rise will also help their own stock rise in the exact same way, and that’s simply not the case. Most men don’t really care about your graduate degree or high powered job since they can’t have sex and reproduce with either. Doctors, politicians and lawyers are often very status-obsessed, at least when starting out professionally, so they may be impressed with such credentials at first, but once they arrive at the top even they don’t care anymore and often trade their starter wives in for a younger, hotter woman with less credentials.

That’s why the most important things a woman can do is capitalize on her youth and her looks and the health of her eggs. If you want to marry and have kids, you’re better off being hot but less educated and having less status than letting your looks and physique go while chasing a high-powered job. Status and riches don’t attract men the way they attract women. Or at least they don’t attract the right kind of man.

Women see a man with status and wealth and power and that man genuinely starts becoming more attractive to them. It’s not like they’re just pretending they’re attracted as they go for his money and status, he actually becomes genuinely attractive to them, especially if he’s got game to boot. To a man on the other hand, a woman looks the same to him whether she is powerful and wealthy or not. Oprah is a billionaire and is no where close to being a sex symbol to men. Even to a gigolo who uses powerful women for money, those women never actually become any more attractive to him as a result of the wealth and status.

For a woman, credentials, status and wealth in a man can create attraction. For most men, credentials, status and wealth in a woman are just a bonus to whatever looks and poise a woman already possesses. There are exceptions, for sure, but do you really want to bank your whole mating strategy on landing the rare exceptions?

Things are this way because of how men and women evolved. I wrote in the past about the two drives of human beings, which are basically to survive and to reproduce. Just about every instinct and tendency we have helps us in one or both of these goals. Since women have always been the physically weaker of the species, it makes sense that they’ve evolved to place more value on mates that can help them fulfill the survival drive. As for the reproduction drive, most men are fertile well into their older years, so just about all man can satisfy that part of the equation. This is why age and looks traditionally matter less to women than they do to men, since age and looks don’t play as big a role in indicating male fertility as they do in indicating female fertility. Since fertility is abundant in men, women focus more on things that satisfy the survival drive than the reproduction drive, which in men are in no particular order physical power, bravery, wealth, social intelligence, power and class status.

Men on the other hand didn’t evolve to rely on women to satisfy their survival drive. To fulfill the survival part men traditionally relied on themselves or other men in their tribes for physical protection. The only possible survival questions a man has when dealing with a woman is whether she has the type of attitude or mouth that will get him killed by getting him into fights with other men or whether she’ll shorten his lifespan through excessive stress and nagging. Otherwise, women usually can’t do much to help a man survive, so as a result men have been conditioned by evolution to judge women mostly on how they satisfy the reproductive drive. To illustrate the difference in male and women fertility windows, consider the following information from this website on sexual selection:

There is a great difference in the number of babies a man and a woman can potentially produce. Women can only become pregnant and bear young a maximum of once a year, more typically once every two years at most. This means that during a lifetime a woman can have a maximum of only about 12 children. Although there are some notable exceptions with women having over 20 children, this is mostly due to them producing sets of twins, triplets or more.

For men the picture is very different. If a man went from ovulating woman to ovulating woman, and mated with each, he could potentially sire thousands of young during his lifetime. Of course this would never really happen, but it does illustrate the fact that a single man can have many more children than a single woman.

A mans reproductive success is limited by his access to women willing to mate with him. A woman’s reproductive success is limited by her biological circumstances.

So to sum up where we are so far: humans care most about two things, survival and reproduction. When choosing mates, women are conditioned to focus on the survival part of the equation because they are the physically weaker sex, as well as the people most likely to be stuck raising a child. Although reproductive health of a man matters to them, it’s not something they obsess about as much as men because fertility is hardly a limited resource in men. After all men are usually physically capable of fathering up to thousands of children in a lifetime. Hence women focus more on things about a man related to helping the survival of her and her offspring: wealth, class status, social intelligence, power, and physical dominance in the form of height and physique. Men have the survival aspect down, so women can’t help them much there. But when it comes to reproduction, women have much more fertility limitations than men, so men have to focus on a woman’s fertility indicators much more than anything else.

When judging a woman for reproductive health and fertility indicators, two things matter more than anything else: age and looks.

AGE

Unlike men, women have a much shorter window for having children, which is why men are conditioned to value young women so much.

Female fertility peaks between ages 19-24.

A woman’s fertility starts to measurably decline by age 27.

For women under 30, the chances of getting pregnant in a single cycle are between 20-30%. By 40, it’s down to 5%.

Miscarriage rates are higher in older women. According to the March of Dimes, “about 9 percent of recognised pregnancies for women aged 20 to 24 ended in miscarriage. The risk rose to about 20 percent at age 35 to 39, and more than 50 percent by age 42″.

According to the March of Dimes, “At age 25, a woman has about a 1-in-1,250 chance of having a baby with Down syndrome; at age 30, a 1-in-1,000 chance; at age 35, a 1-in-400 chance; at age 40, a 1-in-100 chance; and at 45, a 1-in-30 chance.”

A woman’s menstrual cycle tends to become shorter and more irregular as she ages.

The lining of a woman’s womb may decline or become thinner with age.

A woman’s ovarian reserve, or the number of follicles capable of producing viable eggs a woman has left in her ovaries, declines with age.

And as far as looks go, it’s no coincidence that many of the things men are conditioned by evolution to find attractive also happen to be indicators of reproductive health:

LOOKS

Not being too skinny or too fat, having clear, smooth skin and waist-to-hip ratio of less than 70% are all associated with good overall health and good fertility health in particular.

A conventionally attractive female face advertises high levels of estrogen, which in turn advertise fertility. Full lips and larger eyes are linked to higher levels of estrogen (estrogen leads to larger eyes, fuller lips and bigger cheeks in women than men).

In puberty, higher levels of estrogen causes the bones in the face to grow less, particularly in the nose and chin. Thus women with smaller chins and noses tend to convey reproductive health through their faces and are therefore considered more attractive.

Estrogen leads to a curvier figure, causing more fat to be deposited on the hips and buttocks, which is why men are usually turned off by women who are anorexically thin. However being too fat also causes reproductive problems in women and indicates poor health, which is why overweight women are usually not considered attractive either.

For more proof on how a woman’s fertility can be conveyed through facial features, consider this study:

The link between female attractiveness and fertility was demonstrated by St. Andrews researcher Marian Law Smith. She and her team took photographs of 59 women who were between the ages of 18 and 25. Each woman was asked to provide a urine sample at exactly the same point in their menstrual cycles, so that the researchers could ascertain their levels of sex hormones. A different group of volunteers was shown the photographs of the women and was asked to rank all 59 for attractiveness and health, based on the pictures of their faces. Both male and female volunteers rated the faces of the women with the highest levels of estrogen as most attractive.

There are lots of them – women who like an occasion to dress-to-impress. But how many truly know why they do it? New research suggests that beyond the innate desire so many have to simply look good, the answer might actually lie in hormones. According to a study completed by researchers at UCLA and the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, the more fertile a woman is, the more attention she will pay to the way she dresses. Not only do fertile women focus on their appearance more closely, but “they tend to put on skirts instead of pants, show more skin and generally dress more fashionably,” Martie Haselton, the study’s lead author and a UCLA associate professor of communication studies and psychology, said…Like female birds or other animals that change color or release strong scents when seeking a mate, human females apparently spruce themselves up similarly around the 15th day of their menstrual cycles, when most women ovulate.

For the evolutionary reasons outlined above, the best things you can do as a woman who wants to get married is to capitalize on your age and looks while you can. Sure it’s politically incorrect, but it’s reality. Some may try to call it shallow for men to focus on age and looks, but it’s just optimal reproductive strategy and is a major reason for the success of our species. If men traditionally had the biological urge to choose women they way modern women wish, the species would have probably died out a long time ago.

At some point in human existence there were may have been many men who preferred genius intelligence, homely, fat women over 50, but since these women had poor fertility health these men ended up having little to no kids and their fat-loving, ugly-preferring, genius-admiring genes ended up getting weeded out of existence. After thousands upon thousands of years of natural selection, the genes of men who preferred reproductively inferior women are long gone and today we’re left with men who have inherited their mate preferences from those with the best mating strategy: the men who primarily were concerned with looks and age in their female mates.

These are the cards women were dealt. There are two types of people in this world, those who complain about how the world should be and focus on changing the world rather than themselves and those who accept the world and reality as it is and work to conform to that reality and work within that framework. The former face a life of frustration, disappointment and angst and end up bitter. The latter usually are life’s great successes. Progressive feminists are among the former, and like Maureen Dowd they tend to write bitter articles like this railing against men for not going against their biology and choosing older, successful career women over younger, hotter, more fertile females. As a woman, you don’t want to be Maureen Dowd. You just don’t.

Does that mean there are no men out there who are more impressed by credentials, education and earning power than looks and youth? Sure there are. They tend to be ambitious lower-status guys however. As low-status guys with ambition, they are trying to build their power, wealth and status by any means necessary, including marrying up. Also, as lower-status guys, they have less options than high-status guys, so even though they may want younger and prettier women, they take what they can get because they feel the younger, prettier women are out of their grasp. High-status men on the other hand have more options to mate with younger and prettier women. This is why many ambitious men start off with an older, less attractive and smarter woman when they are low-status but trade her in for a younger, hotter, less intellectual model as they get older and wealthier. Their stock rises as their wealth, status, and social intelligence increase with age, enabling them to attract the younger and hotter women they couldn’t get before. So ironically, the more a woman works on her education, career and status while squandering her youth and squandering her peak prettiness years, the more likely she is to attract a low-status male. And even if that low-status male has high ambition, once he becomes high-status he is likely to trade her in thanks to his increased options.

Also, since women have a natural inclination toward hypergamy, the urge to look for men with higher status than themselves, this means the more successful and powerful women make themselves, the less and less successful men they have to choose from for marrying up. In addition, the successful men they need to get with in order to marry upward are precisely the ones most likely to overlook them for a younger and hotter model thanks to having so many options. This leads to three options for many of these women: (1) keep holding out for that mate that will allow you to marry up in status, despite the fact that each passing year is likely to make you less and less attractive to the type of man you want, (2) settle for a lower-status male, keeping in mind the risk that if he’s ambitious he may end up trading you in or (3) if you are the type of women for whom marrying down is an unacceptable option, you can decide to forego marriage altogether, claiming things like “I’d rather be happy than married.” (And I never believe option #3 when I hear it, because I guarantee you that many of these “rather be happy than married” women, if given the chance to marry a high-status man of acceptable pedigree, would suddenly be all for marriage).

For women who want to be married, focus on doing it while you’re young and at your most beautiful. Go to school, get an undergraduate degree, be as financially independent as you can, but I’d recommend foregoing grad school, if you must go, until after you get married or at least are in a marriage-bound relationship, and not to wait too long to start having kids either. And throughout it all, never let your looks, weight or fashion go down the tubes while you chase your goals. They carry more weight with men than your credentials do, and this is especially true the more successful the man is. All these things are important, but they should aim to use them in addition to your hotness and youth, not in lieu of them.

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93 Responses to “Why You Can’t Get Married, Pt. 1”

It?s going to be tough putting the feminism genie back into the bottle. Chicks today are more interested in fun fucking and enjoying the attention that their beauty provides them when they’re at their most attractive than marrying young. That leads me to a theory. I think celebrity culture has mixed toxically with feminism creating women that value fame, partying, and attention whoring over marriage (unless its with a celebrity) so it isn’t just career ambitions that get in the way of settling down. It?s a sense of entitlement to party without consequences, foregoing the family with the delusion that it can be postponed indefinitely. In short, many women have become too vain and too self obsessed and why not? In their minds it?s all in their favor and its all about them. Men shower them with attention at every corner of the city while the pill keeps them free of pregnancy, the government a surrogate husband, all while fathers subsidize their daughter?s urban adventures after college as they build their careers. If they should get married by mistake divorce laws favor them too. It?s only when the biological clock begins asserting itself in their late twenties as fertility starts its serious decline that some women wake up from the spell and frantically look to settle down. What really astonishes me is the scant coverage of fertility drugs but is it any surprise given that most women today get their science from fashion and gossip magazines? Most women don?t have a clue of how frequently they are used, their astronomical cost, limitations, or the high likelihood of producing twins from treatment. The slew of celebrity pregnancies will only exacerbate matters because as you look at the high profile births, many of these women are well into their 30s. Halle Berry gave birth in her 40s, the father of the child being a male model 10 years her junior or how about Angelina Jolie giving birth most recently to twins. Is it a coincidence then that Jennifer Lopez also gave birth to fraternal twins at 38? I don?t think so but fertility drugs don?t get much coverage because it would dispel the myth so carefully crafted to young women today.

I agree with most of what you say except the statement on men only wanting the hottest youngest girl they can have… that’s not necessarily true, for a shallow guy yeah at first… but even that has it’s limits. I like what John Eldredge says on the subject in both Wild at Heart (a book he wrote for men, but touches on the surface, and definitely appeals to what men want) and Captivating (Wild at Hearts equivalent for women, written with his wife Stasi Eldredge)

A lot of what you said parallels the same ideals, but there’s a lot more to our core beings that helps explain why we look for what we do.

I totally agree with most everything you say here. I would frame it more though, in the context of “what women should do if they want to get married” rather than “what women should do”.

I don’t think women should stop trying to “be all they can be” and gain status or whatever, but they should only be doing it for the right reasons. I wouldn’t guess that many of the feminist-types you portray here are trying to improve their education, earnings, equality, or whatever in order to attract men. They are doing it more often out of ambition, etc, as most “successful” men are as well. I hate the whole Sex and the City myth because it convinces women of unrealistic things, but I think it would be difficult to deny that there are certainly great things that powerful women have contributed to society, outside of just offspring. (your girl Margaret Thatcher?)

I do agree though – I just think what you are saying could be summed up more as the following: Just as a man cannot expect his attractiveness to rise if he “underachieves” in the traditional sense, so should a woman not be able to expect men to be more attracted to them if they focus on gaining status in the traditional sense.

Men do find intelligence attractive, at least in a long term mate, just like women find looks in men attractive. If you mate with a dumb woman you run the risk of having dumb sons, not a good trait to have, just like a woman who marries an ugly but high status male runs the risk of having ugly daughters, again not good. So, there are some mitigating factors. But the tendencies are there. For example, any credentials higher than a bachelor’s degree add little to a woman’s value. The hot 25 year old with a BA wins over the so so 32 year old with a JD everytime.

Bunk. Offensive Bunk at that. Any man who reads this should be offended.

Men, like women, want to be with someone who makes them feel good about themselves. If you are shallow, sex-obsessed guy then you want a hot sex-toy partner. But, if you’re like the vast majority of men you probably want your life-partner to be someone who makes you their top priority. If a woman’s top priority is her career, then she’s going to have a helluva time finding a guy who will settle for being the #2 object in her life.

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years. Guess what makes it work? Commitment to the my wife. Not my job, not my money, not my toys.

Wrong. Guys don’t wanna marry intelligent, successful–even beautiful–older women because they know as soon as things start going bad between them she will go to Divorce Court and get half of everything he has. Why should a guy work hard and put everything at risk when he knows she’ll benefit, he won’t.

1. I agree with your assessment about age/looks being a critical factor, but what about domestic skills – cooking, cleaning, etc. – and intangibles – non-materialistic values, interest compatibility, etc. – that many guys like myself view as prerequisites for wife status? Do these not factor in, or are they just assumed like “good sex”?

2. “There are two types of people in this world, those who complain about how the world should be and focus on changing the world rather than themselves and those who accept the world and reality as it is and work to conform to that reality and work within that framework. The former face a life of frustration, disappointment and angst and end up bitter. The latter usually are life?s great successes. ”

The rebuttal, of course, is what about figures like Gandhi who bucked the status quo to great success and became immortal in the process. Are these figures just exceptions to the rule, and if they are, then why should everyone not strive to be such an exception?

Your blog is one of the best substantively, I’m looking forward to your responses.

Cody – I don’t think weighing looks and age are necessarily shallow IF having multiple children is a major concern for the guy. I do think it’s dangerous to let looks and age be your only deciding factors though.

Rick – Keep in mind that Margaret Thacher didn’t postpone marriage into her mid-30s or later at the cost of her career. She was ambitious, but still married at 25 before embarking on her serious political career and had her twins two years later at 27. Plus, as successful and powerful as she eventually became, she married up to a wealthy businessman when she was still young and before achieving a lot of success. It was AFTER marriage that she went on to get her graduate education in law, which her husband paid for. So she actually follows my blueprint. I really think women who eventually want marriage and families should think long and hard about getting graduate degrees and pHD’s and high-powered office jobs before getting their family life in order. I think if you want to be a high-powered super successful woman yet have a family, it’s better to do it the way I suggest, the way Thactcher did it, and get your marriage and family started first.

Thursday – yes, men do value intelligence and personality as well. I generalize for simplicity so I know it may seem to some that I’m claiming looks and age are ALL that matters to men, which, as you correctly point out, is not the case. I do think however that looks and age matter to men to a point where a young, very hot woman of average intelligence, success and personality usually trumps an older, moderately attractive woman of scintillating personality and lots of credentials and career success. On the flip side, I think an average looking guy with lots of status, power, game and wealth will usually beat out a good-looking guy with average success and status and little game.

Pilkington – Pt. 2 comes next week.

Bangs and a Bun – You’re actually ahead of the game, so don’t worry. You know why I say that? Not only are you young and hot, but best of all you fucking hate flip-flops! You know how many men are dying for a chick that doesn’t think dressing for work in beach gear with dirty heels is acceptable? You’re a godsend!

NYdude – cynical as your assessment is, there is definitely a lot of truth in it.

Men, like women, want to be with someone who makes them feel good about themselves. If you are shallow, sex-obsessed guy then you want a hot sex-toy partner. But, if you?re like the vast majority of men you probably want your life-partner to be someone who makes you their top priority.

Yes, that’s true. But most guys, especially those who want families, if they had to choose between a woman who made him her top priority and was young and hot and had to choose between a woman who made him her top priority and was older and not as attractive, would choose the former. Yes shallow reasons would come into play, honestly. He’d love being able to show off the arm candy, etc. But also, it would just make better sense in terms of raising a family. Chances are she’d be in better reproductive health. And since she’d be more likely to produce better looking daughters, their futures would have better chances of being secure as well.

If a woman?s top priority is her career, then she?s going to have a helluva time finding a guy who will settle for being the #2 object in her life.

I’m pretty sure that’s what I said in the article, dude.

I?ve been married for nearly 20 years. Guess what makes it work? Commitment to the my wife. Not my job, not my money, not my toys.

What it takes to maintain a marriage is much different than what it takes to attract a mate initially and get him to marry you in the first place. You are correct in what it takes to make a marriage last 20 years, but this post was about getting someone to marry you in the first place.

I agree with your assessment about age/looks being a critical factor, but what about domestic skills – cooking, cleaning, etc. – and intangibles – non-materialistic values, interest compatibility, etc. – that many guys like myself view as prerequisites for wife status? Do these not factor in, or are they just assumed like ?good sex??

You are right on the money, there are definite mitigating factors like you mention. I was planning to address precisely those things in pt. 2 to this post, so stay tuned.

The rebuttal, of course, is what about figures like Gandhi who bucked the status quo to great success and became immortal in the process. Are these figures just exceptions to the rule, and if they are, then why should everyone not strive to be such an exception?

I think the difference with people like Martin Luther King and Gandhi and other great leaders that chose to change the status quo rather than just conform to the existing system is that in their case the existing system was so intolerable to them that the grief, painful upward climb and possible death they faced were worth the risk because the alternative of the existing system was so much worse and they felt they had little to gain from staying in it. Same for situations that are so morally unjust that they make a person feel that they can’t face tolerate them and face themselves in the mirror as a human being at the same time. Hence people who would prefer to fight against tyranny rather than live in a society that condones it. It’s a painful, bitter uphill climb that you may not survive, but the alternative of tolerating it is not an option for whatever reason is not an option.

On the other hand, what is a lot more common are people who choose the bitter, frustrating and painful uphill climb of trying to change things they not only cannot change like human nature and society, when conforming themselves to the status quo instead would not only be easier but would actually make everyone happier and more personally satisfied too. I think it all comes down to this test: is the status quo or system I’m trying to change or escape from really impractical or morally reprehensible enough to justify the grief I’d undertake by trying to change the world rather than change myself? If the reality isn’t all that impractical or morally reprehensible, your better off changing yourself to embrace reality than trying to change reality to embrace your ideals.

It?s fine to want the same political and property rights as a man, but don?t aim to be identical to a man.

I’m not a feminist, but it’s the only way to secure those political and property rights. Nobody would give a shit about women’s influence if they didn’t have the financial tools to attract attention, and educational tools to make a proper decision on the use of their political rights.

You will end up squandering the prime weapons in your arsenal needed to snare a high-status man, which are youth, beauty and the peak reproductive health

And eventually, those weapons will begin to fail in their efficacy and usefulness.

if you are the type of women for whom marrying down is an unacceptable option, you can decide to forego marriage altogether, claiming things like ?I?d rather be happy than married.?

I suspect that option has generally meant, “I’d rather be happy than married to somebody I won’t like or respect”. In other words, they would rather stay single than marry downward with a beta male that will ensure a depressing existing during the length of the marriage. Even as a male, I’d rather stay single than go marry some ugly girl who thinks I’m the best guy in the world, so I sympathize with those sentiments.

Go to school, get an undergraduate degree, be as financially independent as you can, but I?d recommend foregoing grad school

The problem is that the high paying jobs that secure the most financial independence require graduate school. Besides, a grad school degree in comination with a married woman is simply an unreliable employee in the eyes of an employer who has the choice of unmarried men and women who aren’t distracted by the responsibilites of family.

Hell, thanks to reforms, teaching now requires a masters degree, and some reforms may push RNs to get masters as well.

And throughout it all, never let your looks, weight or fashion go down the tubes while you chase your goals.

Easier said than done. Of course, the smart solution is simply not to marry in the first place if you’re male and continue to secure sex for women more attractive than the a prospective spouse.

the government a surrogate husband

Unless you’re in the lower classes, the government is not a surrogate husband.

I wouldn?t guess that many of the feminist-types you portray here are trying to improve their education, earnings, equality, or whatever in order to attract men

I would say that there is a certain aspect of these actions that is geared toward marriage. The theory is that going to school and emphasizing high income is designed to meet high ranking men. It’s an attempt to push themselves into high society. Unless you attend high ranking schools and enter into so-called prestiege positions, it’s difficult to meet the desirable high ranking males wanted for long-term marriage. If you’re attractive enough, a high class male may date you, but he certainly won’t marry you if you lack the social credentials to meet his family’s standards. T, as a fellow Haitian, I think you’re well aware of the weight of family members and their opinions of one’s potential partners.

In my current status without a college degree, I would be very leery of any woman who finds me attractive, and afraid of any woman that thinks I’m marriable despite any positive traits that I may have.

Hey T, I had to think about this for a while before posting a reply. You can’t argue with biology, but your post some questions, namely:

How DO educated women find educated men with status – men who want to marry/have kids with them? Do they downplay their achievements?

Women’s requirements have changed. Instead of leaving school, getting a job and finding a husband, we’re aiming for well-paid careers and further education. This is what feminism has enabled us to do. However, what can men do to not feel threatened by a well-educated, high-earning woman?

Also, some experience. I dated a man who stated he wanted to date an intelligent woman – fine. This guy had a good job (I was a temp), and was basically a degree-laden polymath (or know-it-all asshole. I think the latter). Me, I’m a twice-college dropout, but have been a member of Mensa since the age of 14, with an IQ of 172 (higher than Einstein’s, if only on paper!). So, you have roughly equal levels of intelligence, but he had the upper hand as far as status. He took every opportunity to belittle me and make me feel small. Why?

I have since concluded that men want a woman who seems intelligent, but not enough to be a threat. Ladies, if you can do more than walk and chew gum at the same time… you’re in trouble. And the sad thing is, if we could find, at out ‘ripest’, a man who wanted to commit, maybe this wouldn’t be such an endemic problem?

Which brings me to the question I posed before – if women aren’t suddenly going to stop advancing themselves, how can men get with the program? Or am I too optimistic to hope that will ever happen, since the reproductive advantage lies with the men?

Bitter, me? Nah. Young and hot? Yes, thank God. It’s telling that, when online dating, I posited myself as having a big IQ and a bustline to match. Without the latter, I’d never have sold on the former alone.

I have since concluded that men want a woman who seems intelligent, but not enough to be a threat.

This isn’t true of all men. A lot of men want the “holy grail,” but that is very rare to find, since nobody is perfect. Men will settle for a woman on the order like this: attractiveness, personality, skills/talents, intelligence and status last. You can be book smart but not have a lot of common sense. Trying to best a man at IQ matches will just make him feel competitive, like you’re another man he needs to beat. Don’t do that…

How DO educated women find educated men with status – men who want to marry/have kids with them? Do they downplay their achievements?

My advice? I think you should stop looking for a high-status man, and focus on finding a man you truly love, even if he is “lower status.” My husband never finished community college, whereas I graduated from a top 20 university. We love each other though. I don’t mean just casual love, but soul-rending, heart-wrenching kind of love that you know deep down, thoroughly and completely. The kind that you know will never end.

If I wanted to, sure I could probably find some “rich” older man to marry me, but I wouldn’t love him. You only have one life girl. Don’t focus so much on material possessions or status. Love alone might not be able to feed you, but we’re not starving here in America. In the end, love is so much more important. It makes both people happier and able to respect each other’s wants, compromise and stay committed.

A woman needs to cultivate those as well, but when a woman is “young and hot” she generally has minimal domestic skills. Personality is more important in my opinion, as cooking and cleaning can be learned or replaced by food delivery or maid service (of course, I’m biased here since I’m a good cook, but I suck at cleaning). But if a woman refuses to compromise, it’s not going to last long.

this post was about getting someone to marry you in the first place.

Nowadays, from observation, a man usually pops the question after at least a year or two of being in a long-term relationship with a girl, and often longer than that. It’s very important to establish a strong neurochemical bond of love. Without that, the relationship won’t last.

Almost all the marriages I know are between people in their 20s, who have known each other for at least 3 years! People very rarely rush into marriage nowadays. A woman has to be at the top of her feminine wiles (young, pretty, empathic, loving, good girlfriend, stable, etc.) before the man will take that plunge.

Usually the proposal comes as he matures and is ready to commit. There are some men who don’t want to ever commit, even to the love of his life. Women who are with these kinds of men that don’t want to settle down are bound for heartache. But women need to realize themselves that they need to change their own attitudes in order to find happiness. We don?t have forever to look for the ?perfect man.? The truly perfect man is a man who dearly loves you, and whom you love. If you can accept each other?s negative traits, tolerate each other?s flaws, and be able to really forgive/em>, you can get through anything.

David – all this time I never realized you had your own blog, I’m gonna have to check it out now.

China Blue – I need to know a LOT more about the guy to answer that, especially his relationship to his family and his political ideology. But keep this in mind, what does intelligence mean to him? For some people, especially people who are pedantic and relentlessly chase credentials themselves, being pedantic and credentialed is the same as being intelligent. It’s one of the reasons I’m wary of pedantic overeducated people; their thoughts are just as banal and simplistic as the average person, except they’re expressed more eloquently, pretentiously and with a larger vocabulary. They’d automatically give a eloquent nonsensical statement of another well-credentialed person more intellectual weight than a brilliant but simple statement expressed by a “nobody.”

Not to say that people with book smarts and credentials are automatically stupid, just that they aren’t automatically great thinkers either. It just tells me that they’re ambitious and great at rote memorization.

Tell me what you know about (1) the size and makeup of his social circle, (2) his relationship to his family and whether he has an overcritical bullying parent and (3) his political ideology (as in, is he a progressive liberal, a traditional conservative, an internationalist, a male feminist, whatever you can).

I liked how you emphasized the difference between equality and sameness. one other thing that bears mentioning is that women, like most people, don’t really want to be equal. they want to be treated specially and acknowledged for things that make them different. women who achieve the same high status as their male contemporaries are no different, but what they find is that they’ve spent the last decade achieving a feminist’s version of “status” which, like you said, doesn’t jive with what men are interested in. it’s like practicing to be really good at football, playing rugby, and crying foul when shit doesn’t go your way.

feminists have it all wrong. “equality” can be qualitative. it’s not a formulaic zero sum game. just ask any “successful” woman who has been dumped for a younger, less educated woman.

“He took every opportunity to belittle me and make me feel small. Why?”

The following may be an indication of why:

- Me, I?m a twice-college dropout, but have been a member of Mensa since the age of 14, with an IQ of 172 (higher than Einstein?s, if only on paper!).

- Bitter, me? Nah. Young and hot? Yes, thank God. It?s telling that, when online dating, I posited myself as having a big IQ and a bustline to match.

- “thegirlwiththegoldenmind.blogspot.com”

…I’m sure it was his problem tho, right? You have a higher IQ than Einstein. He saw you as a “threat”. Are you sure that it’s not because you constantly sought approval and affirmation by showing him how smart and witty you were to mask your insecurities? Kinda like you do through your blog and on here? Or is it normal for girls to mention during the course of one comment that they’re smarter than Einstein (on paper lolz!), are hot, and have big titties?

The advice I got was to find my husband in grad school. Which was actually very helpful – in grad school, I had daily access to a huge, captive pool of men in an environment conducive to bonding who had already been screened for, among other things, intelligence, ambition, and being at the average US marrying age, while they were still young and before they have become established in their careers & landing them gets more competitive (& you’re pretty much swimming in great options if you pick a male-dominated field of study). Most of my male & female friends met their future spouses in their late 20s, which most often meant they married fellow students.

Perhaps it’s different for women from better-off families, who can find non-school or work-related ways to meet their male counterparts (i.e. men who share their bougie values re: marriage, kids, education, etc) but I come from a fairly humble background & doubt that I would have been able to meet these men if not through my educational/career pursuits, who outside of Hollywood movies, rarely marry outside their social milieu.

A point that seem to have slipped through. When women pursue high status and income, that “raises their standards”: the higher the status of the woman, the higher a “higher-status” man must be.

Incidentally, for those who dismiss this post as shallow mindlessness, the Rawness isn’t talking about what goes on in the conscious mind, but about the underlying processes and factors that shape the conscious mind.

Men don’t choose to regard smooth skin and big breasts as attractive – that’s wired into them before they ever take a breath. Women, likewise, are wired to respond to power/wealth/status.

Biological evolution has not caught up to differing, evolving attitudes(and I’m not saying it ever will). I see the current discrepancy as to how women SHOULD act, look and be as not just sour grapes over the women’s movement, but a struggle between the two biological imperatives: survival vs. reproduction. Nature, having instilled the biological imperative to reproduce in males as an inveterate hard-on (and in females as an insatiable desire to nurture) had no interest in anything else. Reproduction is survival. Natural hard-wiring was/is not concerned with any other pertinent facts beyond a fertilized egg. Apparently, neither does having a brain.

Olga, you have a point, but keep in mind, attitudes probably never “evolved” and claiming that we should “evolve” away from our basic nature is probably a misuse of that word (a misuse that’s been put forth by the media a zillion times).

You can’t “evolve” away from basic biology. What happened was, legislators passed laws that forced men and women to behave a certain way and change their sex roles. Then the media promoted these things at every turn. A social atmoephere then came about that made it “proper” or “improper” to behave certain ways in certain social classes.

So what we have now is a type of cognitive dissonance. Men — and women — think they should be behaving one way, yet their genes are telling them to behave as if it were 1950 all over again.

Our current era, then, isn’t so different from the Victorian era. It’s just that instead of making sex itself improper, we’ve made wanting traditional sex roles to be improper. When every movie and TV show tells women it’s wrong to want to get married young and have kids, it’s hard to buck the trend.

Anyway, I don’t think attitudes will ever really evolve. They’ll just pass more politically correct law to not allow us to voice those attitudes.

As someone else noted, this article was pretty depressing.
I’m 33, educated and attractive, and in good health. I’m constantly told that I look like I’m in my mid-20s — most recently at a party by some guys I had never met before.
That is all to say, I’d like to believe (or hope) that I’m still pretty “hot” and in good reproductive health.
But the thing is, I’m torn about marriage. Sometimes I want it and other times it scares the crap out of me. My parents had a horribly rocky, unhealthy marriage which, as a kid, turned me off to the whole idea of being married.
Today, I’d like to just find a partner; not necessarily a husband, but just a loving partner, if there is such a thing.
But based on your article, it seems that my odds of finding a decent man at my age are slim-to-none.
I also have an identical twin, who is also unmarried, and I feel like in some ways our relationship fulfills that need for a life partner. I know it sounds weird, but most identical twins can relate, I think. I feel like our relative co-dependence has maybe hindred my ability to find a mate, if not necessarily a husband.
I guess I should end with a question: In your opinion, what are my prospects for finding a long-term mate, be it a husband or just a partner? Am I really doomed to a life of singlehood if I haven’t found someone by now or should I just actively start my search and settle for whatever I can get?

What happens when you’ve got both? Here’s my dilemma. I’m 24, have an MA, and work for the government. I’m able to support myself and have my own apartment. With that said, I pay attention to my looks and think it is very important to look nice. I work out, swim, and play sports. Although I don’t look like a model, I would definitely say that I am attractive, i.e., blond hair, blue eyes, big lips, athletic build. Yet I am still unable to find a mate.

I seem to have fallen into the category of attracting “low status” mates, and cannot seem to find someone who I feel I would match with. Although I would marry/date “below” me in terms of education, there really are limits. E.g., there is one man who is seriously interested in me, but has a high school education, works in a retail store making just a little more than minimum wage, and spends all of his earnings on marijuana. I just can’t bring myself to accept someone like that.

So what am I to do? I can’t really downplay my job, education, or apartment unless I lied and said I had a different job, no education, and my parents pay my rent.

What happens when you?ve got both? Here?s my dilemma. I?m 24, have an MA, and work for the government. I?m able to support myself and have my own apartment. With that said, I pay attention to my looks and think it is very important to look nice. I work out, swim, and play sports. Although I don?t look like a model, I would definitely say that I am attractive, i.e., blond hair, blue eyes, big lips, athletic build. Yet I am still unable to find a mate.

Really, where do you live? At 24, you’re still pretty young! I’m shocked you can only attract low status males.

I live in Toronto. Worst place for dating ever I would say. I go out to clubs, take language classes, work, work out, go to bars, spend time with friends, have tried internet dating, and nothing. And no I’m not too picky, the majority of men I’ve given chances to my friends would have never even looked at twice.

Great post. I definately agree with everything that was said. I’m 20 yrs old, recently single and although I’m almost finishing school and building my career in the future is really important. I place finding a wonderful life partner to have kids higher on my list than becoming extremely successful.I think its important to start young because i believe there’s better chance of me finding a husband between now and the age of 25 than about age 30 and higher.

Okay, if a guy wants a hot looking younger wife, then why the hell am I single? Not to be vain, but I am more attractive then most of my peers (no i don’t tell people that and am not vain if your wondering if this is why i can’t get a guy).

I’m nice, outgoing, honest, willing to work on relationships and have a good job but nothing that would be considered threatening to a man. According to this articles philosphy, i should have a man. Also i’m 27 years old and am skinny and have a great ass and boobs (sorry to be crude). So what the hell is going on!

In an amazing reversal of plot, I am only useful for sex, and then withholding it. And she? She got “career” and “corner office.” I’d be happy to be her trophy stud.

And would y’all PLEASE stop calling it “midlife crisis” because it looks like you’rew buying into their humiliation and shaming game. What is IS, exactly, is waking the F up and realizing how EVERYONE lied to you about nearly everything!

Wow.
I have to agree with most of this as a black woman. I really do. One thing that bothers me, is the amount of time I see my 21-25 year old friends wasting. They are with complete losers that don’t want to go anywhere with them…and I just think to myself how they are wasting thier prime. What better time to get out there and find someone, instead of waking up 30+ and single with no kids and expecting things to be any easier then?

I am guesing that I cant get pregnant without artifisial insemination because I am not attractive and fat. And guys think Im kinda gross and dont wanna be with me. So I went to a spearm bank to get pregnant.

Men are not as shallow as women. Show me a male nurse married to a female doctor. Show me a thin,educated,attractive woman married to a blue collar man. I don’t know why women cannot admit this. Stats have already shown that 2/3 of women marry someone with a higher education and/or salary than them at the time of marriage. No wonder there are so many male alcoholics. Women destroy their self esteem.

I too am doomed for a life of singledom. I have high standards and refuse to settle. Unfortunately, I am a man so finding someone better than me is a pipe dream.

Part of the problem is the desire of women to marry “up”. A 35-year-old career woman doesn’t want to marry a 25-year-old grad student or a 35-year-old plumber (even though self-employed plumbers often make good money). It’s a matter of sexual attraction born out of status. They also find that 35-year-old successful career men are going for 27-year-old women with Bachelor’s degrees. Most professional men don’t marry bimbos or idiots. A lot of these women have careers but their careers aren’t as demanding and they don’t make as much money. It’s not like these women are stupid either, just not as ambitious. They may work at City Hall working on housing policy or be elementary school teachers. Such women find it easier to drop their careers entirely or work parttime to have children. A 27 year-old bride could have 3 well spaced children before the age of 35. A 35-year-old bride may have difficulties having one child and its unlikely that she’ll have many. That idea that men are looking to sleep with everything in sight and women want security is not completely true. Most men are all in for marriage — if they find they right woman. A man is looking for the smartest, best looking, and most fertile woman he can find and invest in her and their children. The thing is that woman is usually closer to 25 than 35. In the mating game a PhD doesn’t give a woman an advantage over a Bachelors (though it does often give her an advantage over the high school graduate)

Oh really? So how come Salma Hayek married Francoise Henry Pinnault, one of the richest men in Europe when she was in her mid 30′s?

This Monsieur Pinnault is incredibly rich, very powerful and he didn’t pick youngest girl like 20 yrs his junior (he’s in 40′s).

Only shallow men would think that smart, older women are less desirable. Well it depends on your circle. Upper class society would opt for well educated, smart and elegance 40 something women over much younger ones.

Oh really? So how come Salma Hayek married Francoise Henry Pinnault, one of the richest men in Europe when she was in her mid 30’s?

This Monsieur Pinnault is incredibly rich, very powerful and he didn’t pick youngest girl like 20 yrs his junior (he’s in 40’s).

The answer to that is easy: SHE’S SALMA FUCKIN’ HAYEK. She’s not a good test case. She looks better than most women in their teens and 20s.

Only shallow men would think that smart, older women are less desirable. Well it depends on your circle. Upper class society would opt for well educated, smart and elegance 40 something women over much younger ones.

Upper class men would opt for a well educated, smart and elegant woman over one who wasn’t. But within that group of elite women, you better believe they are going for the youngest and hottest they can.

I loved this post. It is so true. Although I learned these things too late, I for sure will teach my own child these truths. My child attends a private school where her classmates are the children of the upper classes in our town. Almost all of the other mothers in my group fit your profile. I myself was older when I married, but I married an older man who didn’t have children and who really wanted them. I was old, but not so old that I couldn’t still have children. Your analysis is spot on.

Part of the problem is the desire of women to marry “up”. A 35-year-old career woman doesn’t want to marry a 25-year-old grad student or a 35-year-old plumber (even though self-employed plumbers often make good money). It’s a matter of sexual attraction born out of status. They also find that 35-year-old successful career men are going for 27-year-old women with Bachelor’s degrees. Most professional men don’t marry bimbos or idiots. A lot of these women have careers but their careers aren’t as demanding and they don’t make as much money. It’s not like these women are stupid either, just not as ambitious. They may work at City Hall working on housing policy or be elementary school teachers. Such women find it easier to drop their careers entirely or work parttime to have children. A 27 year-old bride could have 3 well spaced children before the age of 35. A 35-year-old bride may have difficulties having one child and its unlikely that she’ll have many. That idea that men are looking to sleep with everything in sight and women want security is not completely true. Most men are all in for marriage — if they find they right woman. A man is looking for the smartest, best looking, and most fertile woman he can find and invest in her and their children. The thing is that woman is usually closer to 25 than 35. In the mating game a PhD doesn’t give a woman an advantage over a Bachelors (though it does often give her an advantage over the high school graduate)

this isnt true at all men marry bimbos all the time and 35 year old guys arent going for 27 year olds, the ones that can ,go for the young stuff for as long as they can

and no Heather, Men are NOT interested in marriage, ever heard of the current marriage strike?

there is no right person it doesnt exist and that silly idea has messed up allot of people

yeah, isn’t it funny how they like to generalize us about age/looks/status, and heaven forbid we do that to them and they’re all up in arms! The funny thing is, they are often all very simialr, whereas we are diverse….I mean, just look at this article, they do act like 18-24 year olds are the only ones who should have the upper hand. Little do they know, half the time they think I’m some 22 year old, I’m really pushing 30! HA! If a man actually asked each woman what her age was in contrast to what age she looks (and what education status she has) that he saw each day, he may be surprised.

I agree with some of what you wrote in regards to the biological aspect of what a man prefers and it is evidenced in what we see and hear every day. I do believe however that a man assumes ‘hot’ or ‘pretty’ equals good at first but without a great mind and an opinion, they are short-lived. I am educated, attractive and in my late 30′s. I am here once again single and looking. I keep up with my health and my looks, but I gotta say the lower-status man seems to be the only choice and the only type I attract. Who am I holding out for? I am not getting any younger. Pass 40 years and you are doomed.

I’m 34, single and live in a big city. I’m slim and well groomed. I was never pretty in my twenties, but I had pretty friends who were fawned over by men, so I knew what I was missing. I travelled the world, got an education, and worked hard instead. No men at all were interested in me – it’s a fallacy that every woman in her twenties has men throwing themselves at her. I still work hard but only to put a roof over my head – I’m independent because otherwise I’d end up homeless and destitute. I couldn’t care less about work; it was always a means to an end, until I had children. I resent having to wake up every day and be part of a man’s world in what I believe is a totally meaningless corporate job. Now I think my only choice will be artificial insemination because I haven’t had a date in years (the option to have no strings sex doesn’t count or appeal to me.) The sad thing is, I notice how many married men my age are still chasing younger women, so even if they marry so many of them use work as a place to cheat. Ladies, it’s not inside that counts if your outside is not deemed attractive. Sure, you might have had options at 25, but I have no idea where you’ll meet a man over 30 who will still give you a look-in if you’re not attractive. As long as you can hold a conversation, and charm superficially, you’re in. Is that fair? No. Not everyone gets a partner any more; there ISN’T someone for everyone. Men’s magazines tell men they can get that hottie, and they deserve that hottie, just as women’s magazines tell women how to please men. It’s a nightmare. Like I said, I’ve given up and resolved myself to single parenthood.

Thank God you are not God!!! This article is the most preposterous and backward article i have ever read. I cannot even begin to start to fault every bit of it because i would not know where to begin. The rubbish about fertility peaking between 17 and 24!!! Please these kind of articles make women lack confidence in themselves and you should not be writing such seeing as there are no hard and fast rules to relationship, marriage and in fact child bearing.

Hope made a good point – “Trying to best a man at IQ matches will just make him feel competitive, like you’re another man he needs to beat. Don’t do that…” So very true. I don’t understand people who want to make a competition out of what should be companionship. I’ve seen it plenty and it’s guarantied to make me split.

So am I to understand that women are only good for making babies, picking up after their sloppy husbands, and the only reason their husbands eat a meal? According to all I’ve read, you make it sound like men don’t want wives, they want maids, and someone to legitimately reproduce with? If that’s the case, why would a man even want to bother getting married? Other than the reproduction part, from a legal point anyway, there’s no real reason for marriage, period. Not to mention any humanity, personality, character, etc a woman could have as a human being has been demoralized, and yet somehow men seem like the ones who are worthwhile. Last time I checked, when it comes to bearing that child with your name, the woman had to suffer through quite a bit, while all a man has to do is have an orgasm. That deserves a LOT of respect. While I see your point about how men gauge a decent partner, versus how a woman does, and that basic human instincts are survival and reproduction, the rest of it honestly disgusts me. Women basically can’t live their lives when they’re young, and have to be silly, overly made up, and willing to do nothing other than have babies, and stay in the kitchen, if they want to get married. Not to mention, the idea of love, affection, and companionship on either side of the equation was entirely disregarded. I think most societies have evolved passed seeing marriage as a socio-economic means of survival, but also as a way to bond yourself to someone you’re in love with. Isn’t that part important too?

Older women often tell me how they regretted brushing off the caring/studious “nice” guys in their 20s and wasted their prime dating years with bad boys and other idiots. It’s often too late by the time they get their heads straight.

Ladies in your twenties: DO NOT PLAY GAMES. Take heed to man’s character and choose correctly.

Older ladies: Same as above, but you must also keep yourselves in shape, and be willing SHOW a man that you are you can make his life better (domestically, professionally, etc) than a younger woman can. These things will go a long way to attracting the successful men you’re competing for.

You know I read all the facts and figures and I believe you are probably right. I have already had my children and now am divorced- still friends with my ex. But I gotta say that I have to disagree with you in some ways. I live in a small town and sometimes as I look around me, feeling sorry for myself for not having a current boyfriend or husband, I am continutally amazed at the ugly, fat women who are happily married. Women who do not fix their hair, exercise, or use a exfoliater. I have seen a woman with a moustashe, with a man cuddling up to her. I always look at the checker at Wall Mart to see if she has a ring, and I gotta tell you, most of them do, even the ones with B O. So yes your data paints a pretty picture and a convincing one for the sex appeal factor, but my own personal observation tells a different story. I have been single for almost 4 years now, so I can vouch for 48 months of continual data collection and research in small town USA.

I’m disappointed with humans as a whole if these comments can represent a cross section of the thinking of our species. The internet has made it so that I can now interact with dum-dums.

Half these people are arguing points that weren’t even made in the blog. They don’t understand what they read. They didn’t like one thing so their minds put up walls and they can’t process the rest.

I’m guessing a huge part of it is cognitive dissonance because this article calls into question a lot of conventional wisdom. It doesn’t conform to their ‘identity’ so they find ways to invalidate it.

To Spinster:
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t change the fact that you didn’t make yourself pretty in your 20′s. Do the best with what you have, taking into account this article’s suggestions. You will definitely fail if you don’t try.

To Kem:
This is all hind-brain stuff that you cannot change with your concious rationalization… but keep trying.

To everyone else hatin’ on this article:
Go to wikipedia and look up ‘logical fallacy’.
Then Google ‘limiting belief’.
That way I don’t have to respond to everyone.

As a “High status male”, i.e a masters degree, a paid off house, a couple of apartnments rented out etc, I do not actually like intelligent women. I suppose that I should re-phrase that: intelligence is not one of those attributes that attracts me to a woman. I like women who are younger than me, earn less money and are very feminine.

I have dated a doctor of medicine, a vet, an accountant and a lawyer and I found that while they were all nice people (except for the lawyer), they were just too much effort. I felt like I was competing with them and sometimes felt trapped. I want children eventually and these women would probably not give up their careers to look after them and also expect me to do a lot of related work. I know I am sexist, but to me a child should be looked after by their mother when young and not a stranger that you pay.

Career women to me are not very good wife material and I no longer date them.

I live in Australia and am a 33 year old Lawyer. Like many men in Australia, I am not interested in marrying as there is too much bias against men in education, work and marriage. However I agree with this article, I am forever meeting independent professional women in their mid to late 30′s looking for a similar husband, particularly female Lawyers. I find that sometimes they have an attitude that us professional men have some sort of obligation to date them. Frankly I prefer good looking women in their 20′s, who are not career minded and I do not care how they are qualified provided they are not so unintelligent that they are annoying.

Interesting discussion. I am a 30 male, and I agree with most of what has been said. Put simply, there is a contradiction between what men are attracted to (from a biological point of view, that is youth, fertility, and submission), and what we really want from an intellectual point of view (equality and maturity).

Personally, I always thought that women who are smart, “gets it”, and know how to let the guy lead, while still keeping some control when necessary. If they also take care of their looks, and put love first, they shouldn’t have any problem finding BOTH a good career and love. It’s about choosing the right guy, and then letting him feel like he is the man, staying sexy, and putting love first. Maybe hardcore feminists don’t like that approach, but as far as I’m concerned that’s how the universe works.

Who am I? I am a never-married male in his 40s. I live in one of America’s largest cities, and when I have the opportunity I date a lot. And I consider myself a progressive AND a feminist (the real definition of one is the radical notion that women are equal to men, as opposed to having to be in the kitchen and walk behind their husbands:the idea that to be feminist = radical is propagated by misunderstood and insecure males).

That being said, this much is correct. Men don’t swoon over degrees and job titles. Impressed and interested, maybe. But since most guys don’t think of women as meal tickets, all those trappings will not only not attract a man but could push them away. No doubt, a bunch of single professional women with everything but a man have a blind spot to this.

And let’s all agree that not only looks but youth (or the preception of it) will attract guys over everything else- all else being equal. (I wouldn’t date or marry a bitch no matter how good she looks) You could say this goes for both sexes, except we all know that a fair amount of women will marry or date the oldest and ugliest trolls around if enough money is involved.

Where I differ with the blogger (and certain commenters) is that the root of this bad situation is feminism. No. I would say a bunch of things put these women in a spot- some societal, some personal- but I for one am not going to blame the basic idea that women and men are equal (as opposed to burka-wearing 2nd class citizens) as the culprit. Especially since I intend on marry a progressive feminist someday.

Today’s economic realities for MANY USA males is such that the female has, for many of us, become a partner in wealth acquisition and may be the only one of the couple with ANY access to benefits such as pension, medical insurance, etc.

Many variances but the many changes in America’s economics and in society as a whole has marginalized MANY males.

I will be sad to be alone in life. It may be unbearable. But if what this article says is true, then when I turn 40, whatever husband I may have will no longer want me. So I choose the path of loneliness instead. Life is hard no matter what. There will be the joy of family, of children, and of learning. A genious, young super-attractive BABY DADDY is the best way to go. A man is good for his DNA. I choose to forego companionship in order for fabulous DNA.

Interesting article. I think all people and situations are different, generalizations don’t always work. If I had the choice between a very attractive and effeminate female who made a lot of money, and an equivelent one that didn’t, I would choose the one who was successful. What you say in regards to compatibility is certainly true, it will be tough for a female to make guys truly like them more by being more successful, but I would think a less attractive female Harvard Educated lawyer who wants to have kids and keep working, could attract a large variety of men, but for the wrong reasons. It is also worth noting that a female who is highly competitive in the business world, and who would excel in that type of environment might be too similar to men which could be why they stay single. Some effeminate woman can succeed in the business world and still act like real woman, some cannot. What you may have noticed is under natural and normal conditions, most people have a pretty good idea where they stand in regards to the opposite sex. A girl who is very attractive and effeninate and has those natural instincts men love, know at a young age they can get whatever guy they want, they don’t have to go to law school. Woman who do not have those traits know they can’t, which is why they are smart to work hard and have a great career, because they would be crazy to rely on their ability to attract men, if they are not attractive. There are many components to this and it could be analyzed further, but woman being attractive and effeminate is going to give them a major advantage when it comes to men.

Something worth noting is there are woman who would have been compatible when I was younger, but now they are seasoned buisness professionals, they have had sex with about 10 guys and been in several different long term relationships, and they are not the same as they were, even though they are still physically attractive. They have lost some of that female energy that causes men to be attracted to woman, and they act more like guys. That is the problem with older woman in my view. In order to adapt to their environment and stay single for that long, they seem to have compromised some of those traits that would have made them marriage material.

Even though there IS some truth in the article, I would still say that it is Not the physical appearance itself, but your sexual appeal that is so APPEALING. Trust me! I am now happily married for the 2nd time, and must tell you that you may not be very physically attractive, but can be very sexually appealing in the way you carry yourself. See, our dear men are not stupid and understand that many young women (up to 25 let’s say) are mostly up for careless hook-ups and are not matured for marriage. Be classy, don’t jump on your man too soon, keep a mystery, cook for him, be respectful, avoid talking too much, and be a good listener. Chemistry is also very important to a man (and should be to you, too). Desire him, make him feel big. It is that simple. Really.

These women could get married if they changed one aspect of their behavior, and that is to consider men in lower socioeconomic levels. See, women expect to marry men who have incomes larger than their own. So if a woman earns 50k, she will not walk down the isle with anyone that earns a dime less. There is nothing but data to support that most women marry men that have incomes larger than their own.

Now that women comprise over 50% of graduate degrees, it is mathematically impossible for all of these educated women to marry-up. Sadly, most of these women will not even consider marrying a man with a smaller income. These women will effectively remove their dna from existence. I do not feel sorry for these women since there is nothing preventing them from marrying-down but their egos.

I think it’s time to buy some Jim Beam and Fresh Step Kitty Litter stocks. Single men will drink and single women will need lots of cat litter for their companions.

I got lucky, perhaps. I was attractive in my younger years, but shy and got with a low status older male who didn’t want to marry me because I wasn’t domestic enough. I wasted my prettiest years on him, but by my early forties I was still youthful looking and attractive enough to attract a husband. I’m mid forties and I’m still pretty and turn heads. Recently I got pregnant and its going well.

I agree with everything this post is saying. I will add that midlife women that keep up their looks can attract men their age who don’t want kids or men some years older for companionship and take a young lover. All is not necessarily lost.

It is a cruel hand women have been dealt by nature, but it is what it is. I keep my looks up with a good diet, exercise and injectables as needed. Men ate all about the looks and the sooner women face that and act accordingly the better.

I’m a washed-up 32-year old woman that was never able to procure a marriage proposal. I believe this is in part because I’ve always been very, very skinny with bad skin (I still am!) I’m smart, poor and I have a lot of problems with my family and few friends. Definetly not a recipe for success with men. I try to do the best with what I have but it isn’t good enough. I wanted to marry a guy I dated briefly in my freshman year of college but that didn’t happen. Since then, I dated 3 other men that I would’ve accepted a proposal from, but of course it never came. The last guy wasted 4 years and is now with a younger, curvier woman, who I am sure is better in all respects. I really need to just forget men altogether because it’s not going to happen. I still long for marriage badly even though realistically there’s very little hope. I don’t look forward to this empty life at all. I don’t know what to do with it. I have to think of other things to fill my time. I feel like I’m forced to be a celibate loner because I’m simply not valued in this society. I agree with most all points above, it is a hard truth about life for a woman if she’s not married by an early age. It’s not pleasant but that’s this human existance. Life isn’t supposed to be fair and I was ill-equipped for this game coming into the world so I lost. I knew this would happen to me after my first boyfriend broke up with me. He didn’t even give me a reason but I knew in my heart this game was too hard for me and I didn’t have what it takes. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do with my life other than work as long as I have a job. The hard truth is not everyone ends up with someone. I wish there was a way to have about 5-10% more men in the world than women. I think it would be a happier, healthier world if women were more of a “scarcity” so men might be more accepting of our flaws. Since many of us women are truly unhappy single this would be women happier and engender men to act better towards us (to compete for our attention.) I think it would be a better world, but I’m sure the men don’t (’cause that would end their power hegemony)!

I read your article. Some women like myself who are just simple teachers and wanted to get marry young and have kids they didnt find a man and I found a man (my husband)at 41 sometimes you cant find a man and you are not a career woman at all that is sad for me because i wanted kids.

Sorry i had to use my cell phone to write this comment. Sorry for my spell checking mistakes.
Most of what you described in your article is pur bolony. I’m a woman who have had lots of experiences with tons of men and i ave talked and consulted lots of men with emotiinal psych and other problems, i also dated tons of men and studied and observed them very carefully…in the past i believe that what your writting here is just a typical writting of a man who starves to be ahead of women, put women down and is afraid to explain the true physical and psychological characterestics of your gender type. 99 percenof men are afraid to talk about the manopause phase they go through. It is exactly like monopause, after 40 a mans sexual function drops dramatically while a woman’s sexual desire is at her pick. A man’s john will not stand hard any more and he has hard time cumming whie a woman at age 40 has more orgasim. It is all about ego! A man marries a yonger woman to prove to himself that he’s still youn because he knows he can not perform sex the way he should or used to. that is one of andropause or manopause syndrom the man go through. He buy fast cars, make his hair long etc etc…I have dated men of all ages and backgrounds. Men now a day don’t just like to date a doll, they go out or marry a younger woman purely for quick self satisfatory sex, and that will work out for a while, if he goes banckrupt he loses his popularity among young women and they end up aline broke and very extremly grumoy! I have seen a lot of them around. Rich men like so many sugar daddies are different because they just need young women for their iwn self assurances as i mentioned above, but a lot of successful and none successful poor men, as soon as i told them i have university degrees, they love me right away. Few of them asked me to marry them! Men want the whole package, it doesnt matter if theyre poor rich old or young! They want a slut in the bedroom, a doctor out side the bedroom and a rich woman as partner who doesnt ask for money, she doesnt ask where he was andhat he is doing with his extra time. Men have never been faire and luckly there have women who think the same way, beause we are all human, not just a man or woman. Humans want every thing, the best in life for less efforts! We starve for short cuts and fast quick pleasures and results. I have seen men wih money dating younger women and when they pay, they want the woman for complete abundance and subordination of their freedom. Because he is always afraid that he will face the same cknsequences if a woman is independent. He tries to take her freedom away and he becomes controlling. A man is a weak being who feels always insecure about himself and people around him. He has hard ime trusting any body else even himself. I have seen older men marrying younger girls and they still cheat on their younger women! After talking and dating so many many men in my life, i came up with this big cinclusion that men have self esteem and self ego problems, they suffer from a big self promotion and self assurance problem. I was married at 18 and had a great man who never cheated on me and respected me. From the begining i knew i was not a married type. Like so many men, a lot of women are not married type. Men like to take all the credits they can get and they invented this ego traumatic cave man ideology fr themselves to take control of women! I was a woman always wanted to be free, i never dream of getting married to be happy. The conditional male society always told me good girl has to get married and act like a good clean subordinated girl. If what you are saying is true about reproduction thing then how come we are having less and less children today? How coe some men choose to stay childless and they have had operations for not having children. I know i am going to disapoint us since i am going to go against your male ego problem, but with your permission I strongly disagree with every thing you said here. As there are varieties of women on earth, there are also varieties of men on our earth. There are some men and women who are not married type no matter what. Men who live in their parents house, there are less chances of them getting married, men who come from divorced parents are more scared of a happily after marriage. They may get married but have a negative view about marriage. This ideology of cave man is inveted for men by men, a great excuse to take control of women s mind and body, or at least some thing to boost their egos. I got divorced because i was honest with myself and with my ex. I didnt want him to suffer I knew i couldnt lose my freedom. I chose to be indeendent free and im in my 30ties. When i date men, they all ask me if i have a job. I have a job off course but if they know i don’t they all leave even the older successful men, sugar daddies etc. Now a day every one expects a woman even a doll to have job and be idependent. I look like a doll with university educated independent good in bed and smart. I gave more popularity then a bimbo doll when it comes ti marriage, but again i love my freedom so much. It is becoming a must rule for mst women in our society to have a job. Let’s not lie about that. Even if they want to have a nine night, men, they do ask if you have a job!!!! Very funny! Lol I am very sure that hey have been tons of women who have cheated on heir cave husbands. Behind every cheating man there is a cheatinwomen, wife etc. You need a woman to cheat with after all! Men like younger women because it is a big personal issue for them! They think they can fool a younger woman easier. But most of the time they get disapointed from their action. And skip to another woman to heal their pain! I hope your male ego will not stop me from leaving my comment here! I have been told i am great in the bedroom and i get a marriage proposal each week, but i know for fact that i am not a married type. I think men are very weak. Look at Alexander the great or that king who chopped Saint Baptise head, it was all for women like us. Lol Men are so weak and naive. It is not always our mouth but also our brain! I am not saying what the king or Alexander the great did was right. It is the man who thinks they are superior to men and they try so hard to cinvunce others that is the norm! The society keeps shoutting us out and we have been keaving in a very male conditiinal society for ever around the world. The way by which those way those theories have been invented, you should not be smart enough to notice the low self ego and low self esteem men behind those theories. The men who thrill to take charge of human beings specially the woman gender through sex…Just look at Freud, he was obsessed with sex, all his theories are only based on sex, how stupid of him! A lot of new scientists came and rejected his stupid theories. For centuries and in so many societies today, the woman gendar is considered less importat then men! But look who are trying to run those societies, off course the low self esteem men with their manopause! Te older a man, the more self egos he faces because he is humiliated and embarassed to talk about his sexual malfunctions!

I also totally disagree with your article. You seem quite close-minded and your article discourages instead of inspires. I feel sorry for your friend who asked you for advice. How can you condame a woman, who tries to be her best, work hard to get her education, obtain her independence and self respect, and say that those qualities actually work against her?

We are uniques individuals who evolved to be different. As society moves forward to being more educated, it is natural that each person develops to be their own thinker. Academics are rarely seen to agree with each other, even in their same field. Only people who are stupid, dumb, doesn’t think for themselves and get told would agree with the majority. Therefore, as we evolve, we will find ourselves to be more and more different and hence, harder and harder to find the one who can genuinely shares our value and be fulfilling as a partner.

I think woman (or anyone) should continue to follow their hearts in doing what they want, what they dream of and not give-in to sacrifice for a partner. Who is to guarantee that anyway? It is the worst to sell yourself short because it decreases your self esteem, self confidence in turn decreases your negotiating power in a relationship. If older, more independent women cannot find husbands, it is because they haven’t found the right person yet, the most important thing is NOT TO GIVE UP because that is the only thing in the way of your success.

This doesn’t make sense. Once that young 20-24 year-old gets older and less attractive, then won’t her husband just drop her anyway? Then she won’t even have a career to fall back on.

I think the problem here is that women finally have the opportunity to maximize their human potential, and a lot of men won’t accept it. My parents had my sister and I in their late 30′s: we’re both attractive- my sister stunningly so- and we’re both smart- I was a National Merit Commended scholar. Our mother’s decision to wait to have babies didn’t harm us. This is just sexist caveman Neandertalk.

If this is the case, do you know who you REALLY should be telling this to instead? Parents. I’m dead serious.
Parents are the ones that tell their daughters to finish college and find a secure job before they marry and start a family. Parents are the ones that tell their daughters someone will someone will fall in love with them as a person. Parents are the ones who tell their daughters to be confidant and independant.
Then there was that whole “Take you Daughter to Work” thing. Clearly that was a mistake. They should have given them makeovers instead.
…and fathers are the ones that joke about not wanting their daughters to date until their 30.
Go, enlighten those cretins, will you? I hope you raise any daughters you possibly sire accordingly.

Have you ever considered creating an ebook or guest authoring on other sites?
I have a blog based upon on the same subjects you discuss and
would really like to have you share some stories/information.
I know my readers would value your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e mail.

You sound like a woman hater. What you wrote here is also pure garbage and you’re obviously very biased the article just reflects your own dirty preferences and not the reality of the real world where everyone is different. In reality, you can’t sum up why people get married because it can’t even be explained. ur logic and science to support it is all bullcrap.

I totally agree with the last person (cc?). I am not extremely young chronologically (although I personally am young), and I am also intelligent and ambitious. However, I also look anything from 10 to 15 years younger than I am, depending on the one looking at me, and have had for my entire teen to adult life all kinds of men after me wanting anything from casual to serious (including marriage) relationships, despite the fact that they learned my age, or that I was much older than I looked. This has been bothersome to the point of annoying or even harrassing, and it takes place despite, or maybe because, I don’t do casual relationships and have only had 2 boyfriends (non-sexual) in my life. I strongly believe that my reason for not yet having married is, as one guy friend suggested to me a few years ago, since I have too many choices. I was originally very shy but still had my looks and at that time I had far fewer offers, but it was when I got over a lot of the shyness and men were able to notice my personality, talents and intelligence that they began to go after me to such a degree, not caring at all how old I was (most of the guys hanging around me have been much younger than me, and this was not my choice).

Therefore, speaking only from my personal experience of course, the woman’s age has nothing to do with it. Looks appear to have something to do with it, but the biggest factor for myself anyway has been intelligence, academic background, sociability and friendliness of personality. They seemed even more intrigued when I refused to sleep with them. And yes, they included many guys wanting to be serious and a number who also were interested in marriage. And since I’ve been living abroad quite a bit, they came from men in all cultures, including both egalitarian and male domintated ones.

As the person above stated, you seem only to be writing from your own point of view and not that of men in general. I doubt that many women of confidence or intelligence would be interested to marry you.

I don’t get is why Jewish women marry a unatractive Jewis men ? Why ? Don’t they know that Jews are pron to cancer !!?? Just for the money ?? Is it worth it to have ugly kid for money . Sick women !! Golddigers by nature eh ??
Why are Jewish women . Im jewish girl . Im going out with Irish American guy . Thats better no ? Better babys les cancer.

You can’t get a husband becouse you are unatractive or lazy !!! Or bolth !! A lot of stupid men out there will marry a all kinds of antractive women specialy if you are white but if you are lazy and eat junk food and have tatoes and you parents are alcoholic asses or you mother is a Feminatzi or somthing ?? You know what I mean ….Every guy looks at those things we are not that stupid .We act like we don’t but ….ha . Just like you girls choose, we do to !!! Thats the truth .

You friend is typical American Idiot !!! They have all the power and still want the guy to make the first move and to pay the bill and then she gets the house and the kids . Come on women …come on now we not that stupid . Marriage is finished . You slept with 20 men and now you want to wear a white dress and pretend that you are virgin .White – means Purity ! Yo can’t have it both ways . You going to be a slut or you wana be good girl and act like a lady . Choose one !
Asian women are not like that though .

Older women can get married but because of the way that they tend to THINK they get trapped in SINGLEHOOD.

Get out of the box of ” my man has to be older than me, has to make $100,000 more than me, he has to look like Brad Pitt, he has to buy me this and that everyday, he has to obey my every command” — get real.

YOU ARE TOO DEMANDING AND IMPRACTICAL AND UNFORGIVING.
Most women like this are so materialistic that they turn men off who they date. They dont like to make compromises and rule with an iron fist.

ARE YOU PRETTY? I have seen some 20 year old girls looking worse than 35 year old ones BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE THE $$ TO KEEP THEMSELVES LOOKING GREAT. Kim Kardashian and Beyonce are both 30 something Mind YOU!

So Go look in the mirror, and make yourself look like a woman you would date if you were a man. No man wants an ugly betty. Go excercise!

Stop blaming some mysterious outside force for your failures and look into the mirror and reform your behaviour/habits.

I don’t know any guy who wants to get married . Men are smart they don’t want to pay Alamony anymore . We are not stupid like our Fathers . The party is over ladies. Thanks to the Misandric laws in America. The Feminatzis like Hilary Clinton and Oprah .Arnolds stupid wife ,Maria The Idiot lazy Shriver sad so sexist ,so much hate towerds men ??
Hilary sad “No women is Iligal ” — sexist bigot !! Nice eh / fellas . Good women we have in America ? !! Its a travesty really. UK and Sweden take the cake thogh . If you have sex with no condom the guy goes to jail ?!! Its true . If you have sex with hooker you are a rapist ” ??! Its all true / Thats demokracy ?? Men I hate Ikea store so much . I mean ladies you get the picter why men are pissed, right . Our mothers don’love us guys lets face it . Why let this travesty go on then ?

At first reading this article really depressed me. It depressed me because I am pursuing a higher education and am doing it because I actually love learning, not because I want to use it as a chip to pursue a higher status man. I also want to get married because I see the value of being in a fulfilling relationship where we can grow together and build a family.
However, I thought about it and realized what a simplistic view of gender roles and biology is played out here. Human beings as a whole are complex. I know this because I actually study biology and chemistry. Just like any other animal. What that means is that there are many factors, not just attractiveness that play a part in who we choose to date. It’s only really during the 50′s in this country where we began to idealize the stay at home Mom and the working father. Before then, women always worked, (especially women of color) whether in the fields, factories, other peoples homes, or taming the wild west with their husbands. The problem that arose, and also arises in other countries today is that when a woman isn’t educated, the families economic power goes down, the woman is easily devalued, and thereby much more subject to being cast out onto the street, stoned, or burned to death. Or, let’s say the man was the perfect husband but a terrible spender and died. What then? She has only an undergrad degree and little to no employment experience so it’s much tougher for her to take care of herself. Remember, we women still tend to live longer and unless you marry a Warren Buffet type that makes sure you are financially cared for, you can be completely screwed financially.
I don’t think the problem is highly educated women. It’s two-fold: a selfish American society (men and women) and pure confusion over masculine and feminine roles. Feminine is attracted to masculine, however everyone has a different degree of both. And therefore are attracted to different degrees in others. It also means that both sides of ourselves need to be acknowledged so that you can attract the mate that ends up making you feel good at the end of the day. The selfishness comes in when both men and women don’t want to acknowledge their own faults and are quick to blame the other person for their stupid mistakes that are repeated in each subsequent relationship. Physical appearance is very important on both sides (remember the climb of men’s fashion these past couple of decades) that definitely play a part in how a woman chooses a man while men have always had the luxury of choosing beautiful women. In addition, our culture has become very adverse to long-term anything such as relationships. Why? Feelings play a much bigger role than in the past and we all know the fickleness of feelings. Why? Women don’t depend on men for money and men don’t depend on women to cook and clean anymore. Which means that emotional maturity plays a HUGE role in dating and relationship survival. And humans are still complete infants when it comes to our fickle emotions.
Emotional and honestly spiritual maturity plays a much bigger role than pure physical attractiveness. Why? Because emotionally and spiritually mature people tend to be happier glass-half-full kind of people who attract others like themselves. They aren’t dependent upon their partner for self-fulfillment because that leads to neediness. They actually have a glow or aura of happiness around them that makes them attractive to others. So ladies, don’t buy into this hype that you have to be 20-24, young, hot and blond to date, find love and get married. Just put as much energy into finding a husband or wife as you would into running your career, learn from your mistakes, get clear on what it is you’re looking for in a mate and go after it, and there are actually tons of men and women who are looking for the same things you are.