Get over guilt and be happy

Guilt gets you nowhere. work out what you really want, and stand up for it.

Dan was racked with guilt. His wife had wanted children, but he had told her he didn't. Did she remember what happened when she fell while skiing and split her lip?He had taken one look at the red drops on the snow, shot down the slope for help and returned when he knew the ski patrol had the situation well in hand. He asked if she remembered the night of her mother's appendectomy. He had made an excuse to find something in the car and never returned.

He couldn't face fatherhood because he was too medically phobic to be near a delivery room. Fran tried to convince him that birthing classes would enable him to attend the birth. So Dan caved in.

When Melanie was born, his adoration of her was unequivocal, but he was never turned on by Fran again because of what he saw as her switch from a sexual pleasure palace to a baby-extruding machine. No amount of creative visualisation or even hypnotherapy helped. That was the end of the marriage. Racked with guilt about his marriage, he gave a large part of his earnings to Fran and Melanie.

Dan's second guilt was about his new partner. Andrea was 45 and didn't want children. She was beautiful and loved him. Although she had never worked, he was proud to be able to parade her around like a trophy.

But then the financial crisis hit. Dan began to look at the future. Melanie's needs were getting more expensive and his financial responsibility for Andrea now felt like a burden. His guilt-racked dilemma was: "How can a man be so shallow? I can't go back to Fran. And I don't know how to keep Andrea because she can't contribute and I can't afford her."

Dan is not the first man to suffer the outcome of "delivery room" phobia. If a man doesn't want to be there, he shouldn't be manipulated into it. He also isn't the only male to say that in order to earn his respect, a woman has to prove she can contribute something financially to a partnership. For some men, a domestic commitment is a fair exchange for financial support. In either case, circumstances may call for Andrea to roll up her sleeves and bring in some money. Dan has to stop feeling trapped by women. He has to figure out what he needs and stand up for it.

Commitment

If you ask your partner if they're committed to you and they answer, "I'm here, aren't I?", they don't know what commitment means. They've told you where they are. Everyone needs to be somewhere. Commitment means dedication to a choice.

Reader question

(Q) You wrote about domestic abuse perpetrated against women, but our son has been in an abusive relationship for years. No-one ever talks about that.

(A) I've treated many males in abusive relationships. They respond similarly to women. Some say, "If that happens again, I'm out". Others think if they stay they'll change the abuser. No matter what gender, being abused is never okay. Our mothers said it from the time we were socialised: play nicely and no hitting!