My Pledge for 2012, Atomic Fireballs, and Death of a Weekend

Now that we’re in another political season (already), I’m looking forward to hearing about the people the candidates have met while out campaigning.

“I was in a diner last week, Sherry’s Diner, in Raw Sewage, Arkansas, when a mother of Siamese twin war veterans approached me in tears…”

I love when they tell us about these conversations, and it’s even better when they bring the people onstage with them, like Carrot Top and his trunk of “funny.” Someday, if I’m lucky, I’ll also be able to play the part of fully-exploited political prop. Look at this man! No, look! Don’t turn away!!

And it’s fun to watch the candidates drip-feed their talking points to the media, then hear people at work or the grocery store, or whatever, repeating them — as if they’re saying something really original and profound.

It’s also enjoyable when people get into huge political arguments, using pre-programmed slogans and opposition propaganda. “99%!… socialism!… fair share!…”

Years ago I had a forum attached to this website, and people would go there and start political flame wars all the time. They repeated the same buzzwords and well-rehearsed arguments, over and over again. I got tired of it, so I went in and set up a bunch of rules that would cause the forum to automatically change certain phrases, to new phrases that I chose.

There were a bunch of them, but the one that worked the best was “Halliburton.” Whenever someone typed that word and posted it, “I have a tiny penis” would appear in its place. Comedy ensued. I kept adding these kinds of rules, until it was almost impossible to maintain a political argument there. So much fun…

But I’m going to make a pledge to you now: there will be no political commentary at TheWVSR in 2012. Not by me, anyway. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important, or that I’m uninformed (you might be surprised). It’s just that the world is already lousy with armchair political scientists, and I can’t see the need for another one.

If you desire a political blog, it’s certainly not hard to find… But the West Virginia Surf Report will serve as a sanctuary during this election year. When it all starts to weigh you down, you can come here and join a conversation about vomiting, Elvis Costello, fast food, juvenile delinquency, House Hunters, fat people falling off toilets, etc.

And so, I hereby proclaim this website a Politics-Free Zone. At least through the election… I don’t want to be in the business of censoring anyone, but please also try to hold back on the political snark in the comments. I’d rather not install a rule that turns “Obamacare” into “I sniff the buttholes day and night,” and that sort of thing. But I will, if necessary.

Thank you for your attention to this important matter. And pass the beer nuts.

This past week was tough on me at work. I struggled to make it through four days, after recently sailing through eleven with little trouble. I COULDN’T WAIT for the weekend, and today it finally arrived. Ahhh… sweet relief.

But I was sitting in Moe’s a little while ago, polishing off a cannonball of chicken and rice, when my phone rang. It was my boss’s boss, and she asked if I was available for a special project on Friday and Saturday. So, there you go… My Loverboy dreams are dashed, once again.

Yeah, I know. I could’ve said no, but that’s not the way I roll. Plus, we can always use the extra money. I’m trying to write a book and keep getting knocked off course, which is frustrating. But whatever. The Bat Phone rang, so I need to do my duty and serve Gotham. Or something.

Speaking of work, someone brought in a giant bucket of Atomic Fireballs last night, and put it in the middle of our department. There was a sign taped to it that said, “Our team is red hot! Help yourself to some red hot candy.”

After mumbling “oh, brother,” I decided to take them up on their offer, and unsheathed a fireball into my mouth. I used to like them as a kid, so I went to work on one of those jawbreakers like it was 1974.

And within two minutes I was near-tears. It was unbelievably hot, and just kept on going. I seemed to remember layers of relief, but this thing was unrelenting and felt like it was burning a hole through my face.

“Holy fuck!” I hollered, and everybody laughed. But I wasn’t trying to be funny. It was like a hunk of plutonium in my mouth. I kept gripping it between my front teeth, so it wasn’t touching any skin. But even then… I could feel heat radiating off the thing. I wanted to spit it into a trash can, but refused to be defeated. Eventually it disappeared, leaving strips of dangling skin in its wake.

I used to like those things?! Wonder if I would’ve also enjoyed an hour or two on “the rack” at the Tower of London? Good god.

Have you had any recent encounters with the full-sized Atomic Fireballs? The ones that are slightly smaller than a golf ball? Please tell us about it. Also, have you ever revisited a food that you remember liking, and was shocked at how bad it was? That might be a long-shot, but it’s all I got.

I need to call it a day, my friends. All four of us are going out to dinner tonight, which is super-rare. So, I’ll see ya next time – whenever that happens to be. My inner-Loverboy is weeping softly into his red leather pants…

I had a fireball last week and that bitch was tiny. What happened to the big one that you couldn’t hold between your molars if your mouth was shaped fairly normally? Rip off. But hot. I rinsed it under the faucet until the worst was over. Yeah, I’m a big old pussy, what of it?

Twinkies. Every once in awhile I think they look good and that I used to like them….until the first bite and I throw it out. I just can’t handle twinkies anymore. Fortunately I can still pound down some swiss cake rolls!

I used to really like Fizzies, which were like fruit flavored Alka-Seltzer tablets which, when dropped into a cold glass of water, produced the most delicious carbonated cherry drink that could possibly exist.

Recently I was in a store that sells vintage candies – stuff that you didn’t know still existed – and there it was: Cherry Fizzies! I excitedly bought a box, telling my skeptical girlfriend just how good this stuff was. “Just wait, you won’t believe how good this is!”

Of course, it tasted like total shit. I couldn’t take more than a couple of sips. Either they’ve radically changed the recipe, or I was pretty easily impressed as a kid.

Can we get another forum Jeff? I barely remember the old one but i seem to recall noone really posted in it.Can we try it again i bet it would be great this time considering how many readers/commentors you have now. Hook us up Jeff!

He just banished the ruskies, open a forum and all hell will break loose unless he goes for one of those freebie forum hosts that keep things going behind the scenes taking care of the hackers & spammers.
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Cinamon Hearts is the closest to the atomic fireball we got up here AFAIK, I’ll have to remember to look for the atomic fireball next time I’m in The States.

I’m sure I wouldn’t like cotton candy or candy apples. Pain in the ass back then and too sweet…even back then. Sorry to hear about Fizzies. Haven’t had Boston Baked Beans for years or a Zagnut. My two faves along with Bonimo Turkish Taffy.Gotta get some. I remember being a Reese Cup fan. Tried on a few years back…too sweet. One Atomic Fire Ball in my mouth, in my life…for about 30 seconds. Not a fan of Tamales or Red Hots either. I never cared for dark chocolate but now…Dove has a great bite sized thing and Hershey’s Special Dark are my faves after my days meal.

I haven’t had a Fireball but I have always loved a hot chilli meal of one sort or another. I still don’t know why I like sitting in a pool of sweat and have my nose running so heavily that it’s almost like an extra sauce for the plutonium I keep shoveling into my mouth but i suspect that each time I have it a little more of my brain melts away.

Someone once gave me one of those super sourballs under the guise of it being a normal gumball. But the joke was on them because I happen to like sour stuff. So I just chewed and chewed and chewed and smiled a big ol’ sour shit eating grin. Spoiled their fun pretty nicely.

Speaking of atomic fireballs, the most, er, prodigious member of the community college’s woman’s basketball team nearly went all Ogre on my nerd self yesterday. I innocently went into the locker room to change for a workout and, through a series of Seinfeld-esque misunderstandings, she came to believe that my 5’3″ middle aged self was the newest member of the team. Which apparently would have earned me a beatdown had it been true. Hazing? I dunno, I’m not familiar with jock culture.

Anyway, once disabused of the notion that she had Dud Webb on her hands, she turned to her teammates and informed them all in an impossibly low voice that she had forgotten her underwear and would have to go “commando”. And then there was much giggling and tossing of panties and jiggling nekkid boo-……well, you get the idea.

Is Newt his real name really? Is that short for Newton or was he named after a type of lizard? What about Mitt? Is it a baseball word or something? I know Barak is a strange name, but he wasn’t actually born in the U.S. apparently; so that explains that.

I have an extremely small penis, and I am voting for Loverboy for prezident. Or maybe Pedro.

I can’t eat anything cinnamon-y and/or hot like those Atomic Fire Balls, Red Hots, or even chew cinnamon gum. It makes my tongue feel like sandpaper and affects my taste for days. I once bought cinnamon flavored toothpaste by mistake. Had to use it as it was the only toofpaste in the house. It fucked my mouth up for days from using it just once. Weird.

Rolling Rock Beer. Drank it in my younger days. Now it taste’s like pond water.

King Dongs. God they were my favorites. Such a treat when my mom would bring them home from the grocery shopping excursions of Saturday mornings. Now the chocolate tastes like the wrapper it’s packaged in. And the cream filling is so slimy it coats the roof of my mouth like grease.

It’s actually biological – a sensitivity or possibly an allergy to cinnamon (the brown powder we get at the grocery store is usually cassia, not true cinnamon, that’s why it wouldn’t bother you). I used to be fine with red hots, cinnamon gum and stuff, but now I’m allergic and I get bad sores in my mouth if I eat it.

Didn’t they change the location of the Rolling Rock brewery, and they use different water now? I was never a fan, so I don’t know the difference.

the chocolate in many American chocolate bars is not what it used to be. The industry got a dispensation from the FDA a little while back that allows them to put in less of the real stuff and more of the flavored stuff from a factory in New Jersey or someplace like that.

I picked up a load out of Laredo. I took a load down (of whait i don’t remember). You drop it at a “Forwarding Yard” on the U.S side and a Mexico truck takes into Mexico. You pick up a loaded trailer (that one was 43,800 lbs.) on the U.S side from Mexico and take it to wherever. That one I took to Ogden, UT…to Hershey’s.

Fruit Stripe Gum. Had the zebra on the front and the myriad of different delicious fruit flavors in every pack. I loved that stuff when I was a kid. I ran across it a few years ago (I’m 35 now) and bought a pack for old times sake. It was sickeningly sweet and the flavor lasted about 5 chews before it was completely gone. I mean completely! No flavor at all! WTH?? Where did it go? How could it possibly disappear that fast? No wonder my brother and I could chew an entire pack of 20 pieces in about 2 hours. Wotta rip off. I want my Extra back please.

YEAH – exactly. I tried a piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum and damn near wept. First off, the thing almost snapped my goddamn teeth off it was so hard, then after about 18 seconds it was like chomping on a rubber eraser. I think Mort should start class action lawsuit.

madz: That reminds me…when I was a kid, my sister used to LOVE Bazooka Bubble Gum. Now that’s back in the day you could actually chew the shit without having to file your teeth into points before hand.

We’re in the living room watching TV. She shoves 4 or 5 pieces of gum in her mouth all at once. Leaning her elbows on her knees, she blows the biggest bubble I ever saw. The thing graze’s the carpet and fucking pops. It was like it was in slow motion. The popped bubble enveloped her whole fucking face and half her head. Even her eyelashed had pink gum in them. Not only did mom have to cut the gum out of her hair, she also got her ass beat. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Fucking strawberry milk qualifies for me. Pop tarts are total shit too. I’ve even been sucked in by braunschweiger a few times. I think, “That looks good. I bet it’s good.” But it isn’t good. It’s revolting.

I have a feeling that those hotdogs that come stuffed with bits of cheese aren’t as good as I remember them being.

Gotta go. My neighbors are about to listen to some kick ass music, whether they like it or not…..”In the jungle, the mighty jungle, The lion sleeps tonight………….”

I like the cinnamon “hot” candy. It felt like a huge ripoff as a kid, when I’d get a so-called red hot, to find that only the outer layer, molecule-thick, was flavored, and the whole interior was a ball of generic sugar. The good kind have alternating layers of hot and sugar. I still like them if they’re the good kind.

Ahem.

Childhood favorites that suck today? Kraft mac and cheese, or any knockoff brand. Homemade is one million times better.

I only discovered the cheese stuffed hot dogs as an adult, and they are awesome junk food as far as I’m concerned.

Braunschweiger is another name for liverwurst, of which my dad used to eat sandwiches when I was a kid. Always thought it was disgusting. Curiously, I love me some foie gras.
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I was reading the comments and turned the tv on to catch the local news this morning. The wife was watching AMC last night when she turned of the tv and that is what channel came up.

The Three Stooges came on. I haven’t tried The Stooges in a while and I’m happy to say they are as funny as ever. Fucking Curly was the greatest. It wasn’t even 6am and I was laughing out loud. Great way to start the day.

Now as I type this, The Rifleman came on. It had to have one of the shortest intros in televison history. 20 seconds long.

The Rifleman, yeah I remember Chuck Connors (former LA Dodger). It was like Bonanza only with some sort of take on pedo something or other. Everything got settled with gunplay and the son ended up looking every bit the future father of three.

…and when Ross Perot would say…”Here’s the deal”….the closed caption came out…”Gofuckyourself”…

No really…thanks everyone for the earworms. I’m flying out tomorrow morning to be given the keys to a company truck. I hope the TSA doesn’t notice all the earworms durning my full body scan. Yeah…me! Turned loose on the highways. I think I’ll use “The Great Red Shark” for my CB handle. and….AND…my truck is….wait for it…..RED!!!
This is gonna be fun. I can smell the ether now.

“We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all this for the trip, but once you get locked in a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. “