Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Vanderlympics

I’ve got to get men to click on this entry somehow. I REGRET NOTHING. (bravotv.com)

WELCOME TO THE VANDERLYMPICS, DARLINGS! Grab a Gucci-gilded torch, put on your $25,000 sunglasses, set aside your grudges and drive your Bentley up to Ojai, California, famous for its glorious wildlife, LOL cats and ORLY owls. It’s time to celebrate the enduring drunken rich white lady spirit through the glory of sport. The Vanderlympics are a time for peace, a time when privileged women with nothing better to do go to a spa, put aside their petty grievances about Maloof Hoofs and purse dogs and crutch-stealing and challenge one another in friendly competition. As Bob Costas reminded us constantly for three weeks this past summer, competition has the power to bring us together, even if some of us are from the planet Supermodelania and have unfair advantages, namely in height, upper-body strength and lack of compassion.

Last we left the ladies, they were enjoying some shmancy dinner together, and Brandi was attempting to bond with/apologize to Sober Kim. This was interrupted by La Maloof who, upon realizing that Kim was crying, began caterwauling “SOMEBODY’S CRYING! UH-OH, SOMEBODY’S CRYING!!” in an effort to call everyone’s attention to Sober Kim’s said crying. This, understandably, upset Brandi, who Brandied by suggesting that La Maloof Shut the Funk Up. GOSH, exclaimed La Maloof while grasping her pearls. GOSH.

Sober Kim flees to the bathroom with Brandi following close behind, whispering, perhaps unhelpfully, that the other women just want to see Sober Kim fail, which, hold up, what’s that? But we don’t dally on this point, instead returning to the table where Kyle is absolutely SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, that Brandi would tell La Maloof to Shut the Crunk Up. This was INAPPROPRIATE! and UNCALLED FOR! and KYLE HAS SIMPLY NEVER HEARD SUCH LANGUAGE IN HER LIFE! Lisa attempts to Vanderplain that Brandi was attempting, in her own potty-mouthed way, to defend Kim. Kyle is absolutely SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU that Lisa would attempt to Vanderfend such coarse language! There is no defense, madam!

While Lisa rolls her eyes at Kyle’s indignation and sudden onset of delicate sensibilities, The Yolanda chimes in that she, too, has no idea what kind of woman would speak that way, but that’s just because on her planet there is no such concept as “cursing.” But Kyle’s not done: IT WAS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR BRANDI TO TELL LA MALOOF TO SHUT THE TRUCK UP. SOMEONE FETCH KYLE HER FAINTING COUCH AND SMELLING SALTS BECAUSE SHE IS FEELING WOOZY JUST THINKING ABOUT BRANDI TELLING LA MALOOF TO SHUT THE PUCK UP. And with that, Lisa Vanderchooses to check on Kim in the bathroom, because Kyle’s hardly making new points now.

In the bathroom, Sober Kim continues getting her cry on, sobbing that she just doesn’t understand why Brandi would accuse her of using crystal meth. KIM HAD NEVER EVEN HEARD OF SUCH A THING, THIS “CRYSTAL METH!” (cough) IT WAS SO MEAN! With a hug, Brandi explains that she was feeling defensive at that moment, and maybe, finally, we can lock away Game Night in whichever closet Brandi’s crutches are stored.

Lisa joins them in the bathroom, and after glancing at Kim to make sure she’s alright, darling, Lisa Vanderinforms Brandi that she has some apologizing to do. Brandi disagrees, but Lisa is insistent. Brandi wasn’t wrong to suggest that La Maloof stay out of her conversation with Kim, but by telling La Maloof to Shut the Schmuck Up, Brandi gave the other ladies the ammunition to use against her. Who cares if La Maloof was being terrible and deliberately trying to draw attention to (and perhaps sabotage) a very private and intense moment between Brandi and Kim, BRANDI SAID THE DUCK WORD. BURN HER. BURN THE WITCH.

And so everyone returns to the table, and Brandi apologizes not to La Maloof, but for saying the Shuck word in a restaurant, but La Maloof takes it as an apology anyway because That’s our La Maloof!

NOR SHOULD YOU BE. (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

But we’re not done with this competition yet, darlings! No, instead, Brandi ups the game by taking a phone call at dinner, as those with no social graces do, and learns from her inappropriate literary agent right then and there that she officially has a book deal! Hooray! And what convenient timing! To learn this! Right at that moment! Brandi announces her good news to the ladies who are not quite inclined to hear that anything good has happened to Brandi, especially and particularly Taylor. “What’s the book about?” asks … someone, and Brandi offers that it’s about “divorce” (and cancer? or not cancer? pretty sure it was about cancer…) Taylor pretends to go into her zen place while Kyle exaggeratedly says, “UH, CONGRATULATIONS?”

Brandi is taken aback by everyone’s negative reaction, because she was not CC’d on the memo that Taylor is the only one on the cast who is allowed to 1. write a book and 2. have a bad marital story. The Yolanda doesn’t understand why the ladies don’t appear to be happy for Brandi, because on her planet they don’t have these, what do you Earthlings call them, “feelings?” of “resentment” and “pettiness?” The ladies half-heartedly raise their glasses in celebration of Brandi’s book deal, and glare at one another as they chug their pinot ramona. And that’s when La Maloof announces that she, too, has a book deal! Hooray for La Maloof! But no one, aside from La Maloof, raises their glasses in her honor because, LOL WUT?

That’s our La Maloof! (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

Gold: Brandi

Silver: Lisa

Bronze: Kyle

The next morning, Kyle and The Yolanda grill Camille about her intentions for The Greek (more of her own Olympic games in the old, naked style), before heading out for a hike because The Yolanda is exhausting.

Not hiking, because they are much too Vanderfabulous for that nonsense, darlings, are Lisa and Brandi who are upstairs discussing the fight from the previous night. Lisa explains to Brandi, again, that she gave a gift to the other women by yelling “Shut the Cluck Up” across the table and that she needs to be more Vanderscriminating with her vocabulary. Indeed, darling. Brandi continues being defensive and notes that what this is really about is that after the reunion, La Maloofs received a lot of hateful tweets, and they tried to intimate Brandi into retracting some of her comments about them badmouthing Lisa behind her Vanderback, but she wouldn’t do it because she’s “not their puppet, maloofitches.” THIS IS INTERESTING, AND I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS, AND NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME WHEN I COULD USE ONE OF THOSE HAZY BLUE-FILTERED REUNION FLASHBACKS, PLEASE AND THANK YOU PRODUCERS. But nope, we’re just moving on to a “picnic.” Super.

GOLF-CART RACING

The ladies get into a couple of golf carts, one of which is a “Bentley” and the other is a “Fancy Car Name Here,” with Lisa at the wheel of the “Bentley” and The Yolanda at the wheel of “Fancy Car Name Here.” Lisa decides to Vanderace The Yolanda, and suddenly they are careening all over a golf course, trying to flip the carts/slam them into a tree. And off-camera somewhere is a pair of golfers cursing and throwing their clubs because they can’t play through thanks to this nonsense. RAGE ON, GOLFERS. POWER TO THE GOLFERS.

Cue up her home planet’s anthem because:

Gold: The Yolanda

Silver: Lisa

Bronze: No Bronze

BADMINTON

The group arrives at a badminton field where they play the most boring and inept fame of badminton ever played.

Gold: No one

Silver: No one

Bronze: Seven-way tie

TRIATHALON: TOWEL-THROWING/WATER-TOSSING/SELF-PLEASING

They then head to a spa where they are stripped and put in towels and slippers and given some lemongrass mud in a seashell to rub all over themselves, because this is a thing that rich white ladies do, rub lavender-scented mollusk debris all over themselves and pretend that it does … something. Sober Kim burbles some nonsense about spirituality and later moans inappropriately as she rubs the snail dirt on her thighs. Everyone pretty much ignores her, though, and instead engages in a towel-throwing fight, which The Yolanda gets really really into and really really aggressive about. Maybe that’s how they relax on her home planet? The towel-throwing devolves into the ladies just throwing cold (honeysuckle and cardamom-flavored, no doubt) water on one another and shrieking like marmosets.

Gold: The Yolanda

Silver: Lisa

Bronze: Sober Kim

The women then return to the hotel for dinner where they eat more schmancy food and drink Jean-Paul Gaultier champagne because of course they drink Jean-Paul Gaultier champagne because only Real Housewives drink Jean-Paul Gaultier champagne, that is for whom Jean-Paul Gaultier is made in the first place: Real Housewives. The Yolanda explains that she will not be partaking in the Jean-Paul Gaultier champagne because she is not drinking. Apparently, in her species’ spawning process, it is common for the maternal unit’s thorax to break, and The Yolanda’s snapped while spawning her male progeny some 13 human-years ago. The Yolanda is using one of her home planet’s treatments for her broken thorax: injections made from the fresh stem cells of fetal lambs (not an exaggeration).

Brandi then begins asking everyone else about their human births: were they vaginal or a c-section? VAGINAL? WAS YOUR BIRTH VAGINAL? DID A BABY TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR VAGINAL CANAL? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO BRANDI FOR SOME REASON. And while La Maloof whispers something about her son’s premature birth, Camille has a sad because she had to use a surrogate and can’t (won’t) participate in this conversation, even though that is super-interesting, and I’m sure the other ladies would love to talk about it. (And before you jump down my throat about it being a private issue or whatever, note that Camille felt comfortable enough to tell an entire production crew and national audience that she used a surrogate, so why is she being all shy now?)

SHADE TOSS

The ladies retire inside to enjoy more wine and tequila shots, at which point The Yolanda announces she must slumber now, she has a busy morning of calisthenics and lamb injections ahead of her. Sober Kim also excuses herself for the evening, because of the whole “sober” thing. As Sober Kim says her goodnights, Brandi hugs her but adds that she doesn’t love her, and Sober Kim replies that it’s fine, she doesn’t like Brandi.

Gold: Sober Kim

Silver: No Silver

Bronze: No Bronze

ARM-WRESTLING

The remaining drunks ladies head upstairs where they fondle Brandi’s glanville, Taylor whines that no one ever accuses Brandi of being anorexic, and then Brandi and Taylor decide to arm wrestle, because tequila. The two kiss before competing, which I am pretty sure is in the arm wrestling bylaws, and Brandi beats Taylor handily (pun intended, obviously). The two then roll around on the floor in a blond heap, which is how La Maloof finds them. Brandi then challenges La Maloof to an arm wrestling match, to which La Maloof agrees, only to flop her wrist around because she’s a big cheating cheater. Somehow it is determined that Brandi wins, and she begins whipping her hair around performing the least sexy shimmy shimmy that has ever shimmied.

Gold: Brandi

Silver: Taylor

Bronze: La Maloof

DRUNK GYMNASTICS

Next up: drunk gymnastics, which is always a super idea. Brandi, Taylor, Lisa, La Maloof, Kyle and Camille do cartwheels and handstands and Kyle manages to not do the splits for once in her life but only because she’s so drunk on Tequila that she forgot that’s her thing. The ladies decide that The Yolanda should wake up and join them, because who doesn’t love being woken up in the middle of the night by a bunch of drunks? That’s just everyone’s favorite way to wake up. And so they bang on the floor, shrieking at The Yolanda to come upstairs. Somehow, The Yolanda is able to resist this delightful invitation.

Gold: Lisa

Silver: Brandi

Bronze: Tie: La Maloof-Kyle

SANCTIMONIOUS DRUNK-SHAMING

The next morning, Kyle is somehow awake at the same time as Sober Kim and The Yolanda, who confirms that she did, in fact, hear the women thumping around above her head. However, The Yolanda, she prefers to not spend her evenings drinking: she’d rather spend time with her thorax-snapping progeny and waking at 6 a.m. for jogs and researching other ways to be smug and superior. Furthermore, The Yolanda thinks Kyle should know that there is nothing worse or less classy than a drunk human woman, to which Kyle sneers that The Yolanda might want to find a new set of contractually obligated friends.

Gold: The Yolanda

Silver: Sober Kim

Bronze: Forfeit

Extinguish the gilded torch and march to the stretch limo as a group, ladies, for it is time for The Vanderlympics to come to an end. The closing ceremonies consist entirely of Lisa doing a Vanderimpression of Sober Kim during the drive home.

And because the glorious games are over, the women are free to return to their bickering and sniping and name-calling. Kyle rehashes the earlier Verbal Wrestling event in the form of an “apology” to Brandi for “jumping down her throat.” However, Brandi sees this for what it is, a thinly disguised means of starting the fight again, but she is unable to stop herself from rising to the bait and taking a defensive posture. She explains again that she felt La Maloof was attempting to draw attention to her conversation with Sober Kim and make trouble. La Maloof insists that this is not the case, Brandi insists it was, and the spirit of competition and cooperation shrinks smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..