Last night my boyfriend of
2 years and I got into an argument.
The situation elevated quickly
and I pushed my boyfriend.
I didn't mean anything violent
by it, but I was angry and
upset. After I pushed him,
he pushed me back about 10x's
harder... he said it was self
defense, but I don't feel that
I did anything too harmful
to him that he would need to
defend himself in that way.

What are your thoughts? The
fighting continued for a couple
of hours and now I am left
with a huge bruise on my arm
and other various bruises throughout
my body.

I called in sick to work today
because I am embarrassed to
go into work in this condition.
I believe our problems are
being caused by a breakdown
in communication which has
caused our arguments to turn
physical. I don't know how
to explain myself to him because
he just sulks and tries to
make me feel guilty for bringing
up issues that started the
argument in the first place.
It is hard to explain the whole
situation but I thought you
maybe able to offer some support
or advice.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

A

Dear A,

You seem to have analyzed
your own problem -- a breakdown
in communication and deeper
than that -- a breakdown
in how to communicate --
resorted to physical expressions
rather than intellectual
or emotional.

The key is
to make sure that you are
both aware of this and understand
that when you want to go
to that physical place out
of frustration, you need
to talk through it. I don't
want to underestimate the
potential seriousness of
abuse and physical violence,
but it seems like something
you can work through. I am
been stuck in that place
before and know that others
were, too -- and it does
come back to being able to
talk that changes the course
of it.

That said, however,
if for some reason the physical
aspect were to happen again,
you might consider seeking
help or at least refuge from
one another. These situations
can escalate and you don't
want to make yourself vulnerable.

The one other thing is
that you can't keep it
in -- you mentioned being
embarrassed to go to work
-- it's that silence that
overtime can turn negative
-- your protecting your
relationship, which is
fine, but not at the expense
of your safety.