John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

When your hopes and dreams for the future get ripped away. (Published 10/14/2014)

Q:

My father recently died—just a month ago—and ever since I am unable to eat. I barely drink enough to stay alive. I go from sleeping 16 hrs a day to not sleeping at all. I refuse to get out of bed or even function. I don't know what to do. I met my father 5 yrs ago for the first time and ever since then we had become so ultra close. Do you have any suggestions on what I can/should do to start living life again? Cause right now, I don't see a way out of this depression.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Laura,

Thanks for your note and question.

What you describe about the impact of your father’s death on your eating and sleeping patterns is very typical for grieving people, especially in the first few weeks and even months following the death of someone important to them.

Also, even though we’re not doctors or therapists, we noticed that you used the word “depression,” to describe how you are. If you haven’t been formally diagnosed as “depressed” we’d recommend that you stop using that word, as it will limit your ability to deal effectively with your broken heart.

A large part of that broken heart may be the additional emotional impact caused by the circumstance in which you finally met your dad after how ever much of your lifetime had gone by without knowing him. As you say, you become ultra close, and then he got ripped away from you. [We added the idea that he got ripped away from you even though you didn’t exactly say that in your note. So if that’s not a part of what you’re feeling, we’re sorry for making that assumption.]

When someone important to us dies, there are always things we wish had been different, better, or more; and there are always unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

We highlighted that last part because again, we’d guess that having finally found your dad, you developed a host of plans for the future that now can’t be realized.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines to help you become emotionally complete not only with your father’s death, and the end of the hopes for the future, but also with all the years before you got to meet him.