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Wednesday April 17, 2013 7:13 AM

Dear Carolyn: I have an aging father with a health condition that is probably terminal, with few treatment options.

I live far away from him and my mother, and my half siblings don’t make much of an effort to see him. My parents are left with little social support and many painful unknowns. My mother has neglected her health in caring for my father.

I’ve been turning myself inside out, using all my spare vacation time to see them (the only thing that seems to help their spirits), to the exclusion of visits with my husband’s family and of time for my husband and me. My parents refuse to move closer because my dad is attached to his doctors at home. I can’t move; my husband and I both work in a field in which we wouldn’t find jobs elsewhere. We’re recently married, and our lives are just beginning.

How do I do right by my parents and give them the time with my husband and me that they enjoy and deserve? How do I do right by my relationship and not make my life all about my parents’ needs? How do I do right by myself as I increasingly feel exhausted by my father’s increasingly desperate journey?

— L.

Dear L.: I’m sorry; this phase of life is tough regardless of location and resources.

The first and most important step is to redefine “do right by.” Account for the limits on your energy, flexibility and options; and the number of hours in a day. You can’t fix this or make it OK. You can be only loving and present (and not hyperventilate).

Present isn’t a typo: You can be there without traveling. Call, video-chat, send care packages, handle any chores for them that you can by phone or online, keep your half siblings and other relatives updated, and use whatever resourcefulness you can muster. Do research on support groups and respite care for your mom; underscore this on your list.

Another important step is to embrace triage. Yes, your husband’s family deserves your attention, too — but surely they can be patient or come to you during your family’s crisis. As long as you are prepared to be just as generous with them when their needs are higher, you’re right with the cosmos. If they insist on your full attention regardless, then nipping that bud can be your husband’s main contribution to your cause.

Another key step: letting go of the idea that you bear sole responsibility for lifting your parents’ spirits. They are adults and have chosen not to move closer to you. It’s not up to you to make their choices more palatable to them.

Think of the near future as a phase during which you allot X time daily, Y monthly, to this crisis. Decide X and Y in cooperation with your husband — interspersed with alone and couple time — to keep that crucial relationship fed. Such blunt thinking might seem odd now, but it will pre-empt future regrets.