Quick Jokes

1. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

2. Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

3. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

4. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

6. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

7. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Quick Quotes

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called ........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
Shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking
The trash out, gives the impression that
He just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way...

Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!

Police Comments

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

110. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Centre )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

Click on tabbs for more jokes

Patient Grandfather

COPPER WIRE

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

The Gynaecologist

Quick Jokes

Child Birth

Heaven in Hell

Why we love kids

Stolen car

Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long .. . .. easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.

Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . this little bastard's name is Kevin."

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back
200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught
archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years
ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels..
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,
'Nope...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

The Gynaecologist

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." ............... After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Door to Door Sales ....

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

I bought one the other day and guess what!
These new 3 D televisions are sooo real.
I dozed off last night watching a documentary on street gangs.

When I woke up my wallet, beer and thongs were gone.

Lecture

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going. "I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", comes the reply

Should children witness child birth?

Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr
old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place......smack him again!"

Heaven in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
Despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
A drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
Do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
Have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee! That sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays! We get the finest cigars
From all over the world, and smoke our lungs out.
If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.'

Satan: 'Good, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!' C

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
Big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooh, Fridays are gonna be tough!!!!!!'

Why we love kids

A mother and her young son were flying West Jet
from Calgary to Toronto . The little boy had been looking out of the
window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight
attendant. He went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big
dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"

"Well then," said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because West Jet always pulls out on time. Have
your mother explain that to you."

Stolen Car

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the bloke in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Sadly we are not joking here

I never tell a lie

Labour party = green party

ALERTS 2012 EUROPE

HAPPY MUSLIMS

MAFIA

COCONUT

Quick Jokes

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya , Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

I have to admit...this is brilliant...and never heard it put this way.....plain and simple!!!

Many Muslims today are not happy!

They're not happy in Gaza .

They're not happy in Egypt ..

They're not happy in Libya .

They're not happy in Morocco ..

They're not happy in Iran ..

They're not happy in Iraq ..

They're not happy in Yemen .

They're not happy in Afghanistan ..

They're not happy in Pakistan ..

They're not happy in Syria ..

They're not happy in Lebanon .

So, where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia ..

They're happy in the UK .

They're happy in Canada.

They're happy in the US .

They're happy in France ..

They're happy in Germany .

They're happy in Italy .

They're happy in Sweden ..

They're happy in Denmark .

They're happy in Norway .

So...... They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
And who do they blame?

Not Islam.

Not their leadership.

Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

Excuse me, but have I missed something here?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

How can you tell, by sight only, good coconuts from bad ones?
I am going to share this skill with you now...

Hmmmmm..... Coconuts..... Hmmmmmmmm

GOOD COCONUTS

BAD COCONUTS

HOPE THIS HELPS CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSION

Pregnant prostitute

Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute..
"Do you know who the father is?"
"For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away!