Attention Parker Valley Middle School: I'm Gonna Be a Skater Now

An official announcement from seventh-grader Robby Schwartz.

With a heavy heart, I wish to announce that I, Robby Schwartz, am no longer a punk rocker. After careful deliberation and hours of soul-searching, I’ve finally made the decision to leave the punk scene behind and embrace my true destiny: as of this Tuesday afternoon, I am now a skater.

I would like to start by offering my deepest gratitude to the other punk rockers of Parker Valley. For the last two weeks, when I was part of your anti-establishment ranks, I had a truly eye-opening and fulfilling experience. You accepted me with open arms and helped me flourish as both a young musician and as a human being. It was a truly unforgettable time for me, and I will treasure it always.

Of course, time marches on, and as I’ve grown as a person, I’ve realized that my unique interests and abilities would be a better fit elsewhere. This is no offense to the punk rock scene, which has a long and storied history at Parker Valley Middle School. I wish you only the best in your future endeavors.

There were several factors in my decision to become a skater.

First, I feel that my well-documented struggle with ADHD would best be served by an outside activity such as skating. My therapist Miss Denise Rubalcava agrees with me.

Secondly, my uncle Saul gave me a new skateboard when he visited from Boca Raton, and I promised him I’d use it.

And finally, I’ve learned through several reliable sources at Parker Valley that, in light of recent societal changes both locally and nationally, chicks dig skaters more than punk rockers.

As with any major change, there will be a certain amount of turmoil. I only ask for your support and respect as I shift social circles. This is a difficult time for me, but I believe that my fellow students at Parker Valley will show me the same amount of respect that I received when I shifted from Pokemon card player to punk rocker or, before that, when I transitioned from drama kid to Pokemon card player.

I have definite positive feelings about my future as a skater. This will be a good fit for me, and I look forward to flourishing within my new circumstances. I know this is your lunch break, and I know that the cafeteria is serving chicken nuggets again, so I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to listen to my announcement.