Thursday, July 2, 2015

Working out is usually when I feel the most clear. It is a moving meditation for me. I am moving my body, clearing my energy, thinking about how my muscles feel, cultivating strength and really just not letting the bullshit of whatever bullshit is going on, get in my way. Sometimes when I am really in it and usually when I am by myself, I will have a moment of spirit magic. I just named it because I have never really talked about this thing that happens but I realize I want to. Spirit magic is when I get full on messages from spirit, spirit guides or source, the man upstairs, the universe, whatever it is. I don't know. I just know that when I hear it, it is not even something I hear but something I feel. Messages that fly in fast and furious but are CLEAR.
It is beautiful and amazing.
The other night it happened and it was important. I was working out in my driveway. It was a beautiful night. The sun was shining and birds were chirping and singing and just sounding so so so sweet. I was into the movements and I was fully into what I was doing. Lunge jumps, push us, burpees, the good body weight stuff. Its a different type of beast when I can feel that all by myself. I love working out at the gym but at times its hard because the hyper sensitive person I am, am still absorbing others when I am at the gym. I am still feeling vibes and noticing what others are doing, being in their energy. This night when I was at home it was just me, nature, my hard work and my spirit magic, apparently.
The message flew into my head so quick. It was like my spirit magic puked its magical guts all out into my brain.
It sounded and felt like this........
"Forgive yourself.
For everything.
For hurting whomever you have ever hurt.
For ever lying, for being a shitty daughter, wife and mother at times, for being confused, for not loving the right way, for not having enough money, for being wrong whenever you were wrong, for cheating on those tests in elementary school, for hurting her feelings, for feeling weak, for wanting more, for being powerful but not using your voice, for making yourself small, for saying that one thing soo soo soo wrong, for treating him like shit, for blaming her, for making it all such a big deal...........it is okay. We love you. We love you for learning and for doing your best. That is all you need to do. Stop putting pressure. stop comparing. Enjoy where you are. Enjoy who you are. Mistakes are allowed. Being shitty is allowed. for everyone."

HOLY CRAP. In that moment, it all made sense. The message was so clear and so totally loving. I realized after the spirit magic slap in the face that I was holding so much over my own head. Holding EVERYTHING over my own head. I am talking things that happened five years ago and that was so small, that no one remembers but me.........holding onto shit without even knowing it. I felt like in that moment, the world was giving me permission to love myself anyways and clear away my own judgement. Despite mistakes. Despite being wrong......ever to whomever. I felt in that moment that everything was good. I was good. I also felt a deep need to share the message. It was not just for me. We all must do it, right? We all must judge ourselves too harshly and too much. Well rest assured, my workout told me to tell you that it's all good. Be nice to yourself. You are awesome and loved and forgiven for it all and forgiven for what you will do tomorrow and the next day.