Never, ever, ever…….

It’s never going to happen. I will never, ever be part of my own family. No one is going to share the news of a new baby with me. I’ll never be invited to a wedding, or a shower, or a christening, graduation or even over for dinner. My family wants nothing to do with me. They want me to disappear. I speak of my father’s family, the great and glorious McIrish clan,

How can a man love his children with one woman, but not another? Why are the ones my father kept so much more worthy of being part of the family? Did my father’s casting me out just erase me from my family tree?

Well, it appears it does, and all concerned seem just fine with it. All save me, of course.

They think I have a family, that my adoptive parents were able to take the place of my true family. They are so wrong. I have never felt like a member of my adoptive, or natural families. And it’s my misfortune that this happened to me. No one is going to help me to fit in.

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6 comments on “Never, ever, ever…….”

Hey there, you’re not alone. I just wanted I reach out to you again and say I know the pain you write about. I have felt like an outsider, a ghost child, even after finding my mom. It hurts. Trying to focus on the handful of people who do want me has helped me. It’s not easy, but I’m slowly learning to go where the love is. I don’t understand how family can be so cold. I’m so sorry you are hurting.

I’m sorry your family has been so awful to you. But it’s on them, not you. They probably don’t even know you well enough to even understand what they are rejecting. In an odd way it’s not personal – because they don’t really know you. And since they appear to be, well, just not that nice, perhaps you should stay away from them. They are toxic people. And, I believe you have your own family/husband and child? I would focus on that, on the people who actually know you, because they’re your support, your grounding, your real true in this reality love. And most of all, I’m sorry that you feel so bad and are hurting. Is there an adoption support group you can go to in your area? This shouldn’t be something you are going through on your own and really only other adopted people can really understand. Wishing you the best.

I wish I could help. I have no advice to speak of (and I’m not sure that advice would help). What I do have is a period of 18 years of isolation and 3 years of mourning leading up to hearing from my son who was adopted (he is 21, will be 22 in March). I moved 2000 miles away and cut myself off from pretty much all of my family and friends for a number of years (I was big into self-punishment, so I sent myself into a self-imposed banishment). And (I’m so glad this is a private site because I really wouldn’t want to share this where just any pair of eyes could see, but) even as wonderful as hearing from my son has been, it hasn’t been easy. There were days, weeks, and even months at a time after he first contacted me when I wouldn’t hear from him – and, of course, feared the worst: that he was over it, through with me, and those times were sheer agony. And where I moved to was a place where the culture was so foreign to me, and there was no refuge from feeling like a fish out of water…and now that I think about it, I wonder if, subconsciously, I was sending myself into that situation to better understand what my son was potentially growing up with. And all I can really say about it was that it was the hardest, most wearisome existence that I could ever conceive of living (and at times I didn’t want to continue to exist). And so if what I experienced is even just a portion of what you are going through now, as a birthmother, I want to say to you: I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry. If I could take the decision back to give up and choose adoption for not just my child but for every child, I would – in a heartbeat. If I could erase adoption and the need for it, I would, without even giving it a second thought. I wish like everything that I could….

I have a husband and 4 children. They help me. I live a normal life, married 30 years, full time job. The pain is inside. I’ve been to therapy and tried meds. My Facebook adoptee friends help me a great deal. They are the only ones who truly understand.