`Menace' Meltdown in Oaktown

Published 4:00 am, Friday, May 21, 1999

Shari Sollars files this report from a city far, far away from anywhere -- Oakland. Shari was at the 4:10 p.m. Wednesday showing of "Phantom Menace" at the Jack London Theater.

"About halfway through the movie, when a plot was about to peek out from under the special effects, the film melted in the projector and broke. Pandemonium ensued for half an hour. They didn't even offer us free popcorn to compensate for the filmus interruptus."

It took Shari 15 minutes to realize the bizarre 3-D space creatures were actually her fellow movie-goers.

I checked with the theater. The film melted down because the hamster went on a break. Blame the Rodent Union.

NO WAY! That's not my mug shot attached to this column. It's a computer-generated alien villain in "Phantom Menace," from the scene where Captain Ahab battles Mork on planet Livermore. Name the villain and win a free movie popcorn or a fully loaded Ford Aspire, whichever is cheaper.

OOPSIE! In the business world, you gotta take the good with the bad. For super-hot credit-card company Providian Financial Corp., the bad is that the city DA is investigating the firm for possible consumer fraud.

The good is that just last month, the Examiner's annual Top 100 poll named Providian the Bay Area's No. 1 publicly traded company. Congrats!

SAY AHH: The city's street dentists, furiously filling cavities, have repaired two potholes so old they had nicknames -- Piney the Elder (Pine near Sacto), and Old Faithful (on the Embarc).

It's sad, because both holes were under consideration for Historical Landmark status. They provided drivers and cab riders with some of the city's most memorable special effects.

SAY HEY? The Giants gave away thousands of Willie Mays bobblehead dolls, which might have to be recalled due to a defect spotted by Scott McKellar. No matter how fast you run with your Willie doll, the cap won't fly off.

And a related rumor: To honor former frightfielder Glenallen Hill, the Giants will give away G. Hill bobbleglove dolls.

SHE DOES THE TRIM: Wonder if the hotel on Sacto had any luck with its want-ad last Sunday for a painter, offering "salary plus rm & broad."

To paraphrase Milton Berle, give me the room and broad, and you can keep the paint and the salary.

Nice to see that not everyone is overly PC. I thought the term "broad" died with Sinatra.

By the way, anyone seen Old Blue Eyes? Elvis pops up regularly, why not Frank? Maybe because the Chairman is way too classy to hang out in laundromats.

CRIME BEAT: From "The Pine Cone" police log, in Carmel (sent here by Daryl Glen): "Person at Albertson's reported an unknown lady let a shopping cart go downhill so that it almost hit her. The person was mainly upset the woman did not say she was sorry."

I tell you, Dirty Harry has let that town go straight to hell.

IMPOUND THIS: Good thing Willie's car-confiscation posse didn't see the driver of the white stretch limo do a curbside ganga score near Haight and Masonic.

My spy Steve wonders if that driver provides his customers with a designated driver.

WHERE WAS I? Oh, yeah, talkin' doobies. Buzz out of L.A. is the big congressional race. The incumbent is a balding tax accountant. His rival is Skunk Baxter, former star of the Doobie Brothers.