Do you have any suggestions for Facebook alternatives?
-Tired of Being Stalked

Dear Tired of Being Stalked,

Well, sonny, I can’t say I had this problem in my day and age. Nope. No such thing as a book of faces on the Internet or whatever you call it. But anyway, it seems you have larger problems on your hands than just a social networking site. If you truly think you are being stalked by someone who is a threat to you in some way, I would advise you to block that person or delete your account and start fresh. Otherwise, if you’re using the term in a light-hearted manner, I would recommend not offering up so much information online. Any social networking site you go on will pose the same types of problems because they are all online. Remember, you can control what goes on your Facebook. You can choose to allow your friends to tag you in posts or not. You choose whether or not you post about the delicious applesauce you had for dinner last night, that intense game of bingo you played Saturday, or how your dentures keep falling out in conversations with strangers. It’s up to you. The Internet is an incredible tool, but it is also a dangerous one. Use it wisely, or in my case, not at all.
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Tired of Being Stalked,

A nice, yet complicated, alternative to Facebook would be to buy a nice photo album and make a collage of all of your friends’ faces. Then you can title it “The Burn Book,”write mean comments, make photocopies and distribute them at the Hans. However, this alternative has some repercussions: President Fry might have to get a baseball bat or a Drexel Shuttle might hit you. Therefore, you could try to make your profile more private or put up false information and interests to see who truly pays attention. If that fails, deactivate your Facebook and become a recluse — J.D. Salinger rocked the image, so you can too. Also, you might be interested in MySpace or Xanga — so totally retro that it can be considered vintage.

Best Wishes,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I have a term of all electives coming up. Can you recommend any interesting/easy classes?

-Cruising Senior

Dear Cruising Senior,

Well, this is certainly a wonderful predicament! There are so many interesting classes to take. I may not have attended college, but I never said I didn’t sneak into any lectures. For starters, you should take a look at the course catalog. Find the areas that interest you and pick courses. If you’ve made it to senior year of college, I’d be willing to wager that you have a number of academic interests. It’s that simple!
Toodles,

Granny

Dear Cruising Senior,

I think you should consider playing a nice game of Russian roulette — just open up the catalog and pick a random class, hoping that it’s something interesting. If you’re not comfortable putting your academic term in the hands of random happenstance, take a Russian history course; it’s the closest thing. On a serious note, you should just review the guide and take an easy language course or a dance class — it will force you to try something completely different. Likewise, you can also decide to take just 12 credits and spend a lot of time studying the interior of the Hans.

Sincerely,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

Why shouldn’t I drop out of school and become a plumber? They make more money than I ever will!

-Confused About Life

Dear Confused About Life,

While I endorse the idea that not everyone should go to college (heck, I didn’t, and I turned out all right), I don’t think you should rush into anything. Think about it: maybe you should be a plumber, or maybe you are meant to do something else. Try to find what you are passionate about because the easiest route and the one that offers the most money isn’t always the one that will lead you to true happiness. Some whippersnappers take happiness for granted and ask what it’s worth if you aren’t making a lot of money. Well, let me challenge them: At the end of the day, what is money worth if you are unhappy?
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Confused About Life,

Do you have a passion for installing and maintaining systems used for water and drainage? Does the idea of working with rusty and leaky pipes get you so excited you feel like a 15-year-old girl from the 1980s at her first school dance? Do you dream of Sherlock Holmes-esque inspections of valves, sinks and septic tanks? If so, then by all means, drop out of school, become a plumber and live a long, healthy life with the accompaniment of your lovely wrench. However, if you’re simply confused — which I take it you are, due to that lovely surname you’re sporting — I would just give it some time and weigh your options. Don’t make any drastic decisions — everyone knows how well that turned out for Britney Spears in 2007.