Premier league not rugby league say FA chiefs

Wigan will not be allowed to play in the Premier League if they are promoted next season until they can categorically prove that they are not a rugby league club. The ultimatum came as FA officials traveled to Wigan fixtures at the JJB stadium only to find that the provincial oval balled game was being played there instead.

Arousal

The authorities suspicions were first aroused while entering the ground. "There were far more spectators than usual." Says FA spokesman Ernesto Cockgroupier. "Plus, when we took our seats we couldn't help notice that there were more players on the pitch. Apart from that it was pretty much the same." He continued. "However there was enough to suggest that there was not a lot of football being played. If any."

Racket

Wigan chairman and replica football shirt salesman Dave Whelan, has already fallen foul of the local constabulary over an unpaid security bill and is facing ground closure unless he pays up pronto. "Frankly this is the last thing I need." He told The Onion Bag. "I've already got PC Oink threatening to break my fingers if I don't cough up and now I'm accused of paying footballers to play rugby!"

Up and under

However, despite Whelan's insistence to the contrary, the FA are adamant that rugby league is being played at Wigan. Whelan has until the end of the season to prove otherwise. "We shall fight this decision." He said defiantly. "We shall line up all the issues horizontally and tackle on each one individually. If after the 5th tackle we've got no where then we'll ask for a video replay then we'll give up and change channel."