Sunday, March 8, 2009

Got chainsaws?

by Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux

I'm sure you will be relieved to learn that Combos (man's favorite cheese-filled snack, if you weren't aware) has decided to dedicate its resources to a timely, crucial study: which cities in the United States are the "manliest." Nashville is at the top and New York, sadly, is at the bottom. But this isn't just a service to humanity - it coincides with the launch of the Ultimate Man Zone Sweepstakes, "an opportunity for guys to improve their favorite hangouts and win prize packages to upgrade their tailgating, grilling, home theater or gaming "zones.""

New York was ranked low, presumably because of the lack of gaming "zones." It is also rife with what the conductors of the study referred to as "emasculating" characteristics, like home furnishing stores, high minivan sales, and subscriptions to beauty magazines. Also - horror of horrors - they don't drag race in New York! The locations of the cities are suspiciously skewed toward states in the South and Midwest - Philadelphia, ranked 30th, is the first city even close to the northeast. And you'd better forget about California. There are zero men there!

For your amusement, I've included a few helpful tips from the study about where to find the manliest men - and which cities failed to cut it. Just because you wanted another excuse to go to Oklahoma City.

"Nashville is the Mecca of manliness. With its high number of NASCAR enthusiasts, popularity of hunting and fishing and concentration of BBQ restaurants, the Music City stands alone atop the mountain of manliness.

Despite high ratings in the "bowling" category, New York City ranks 50th out of 50 in the study due to low scores in manly indicators such as "fishing," "home improvement" and "drag racing."

If you're in the Midwest and looking to enjoy a game with a cold beverage, look no farther than St. Louis, which has the highest concentration of sports bars in the country.

Grand Rapids, Mich. has more monster truck rallies, per capita, than any other U.S. city.

Philadelphia and Chicago, with low scores in the "hunting" category fail to crack the top 25 (ranked 30th and 46th respectively).

The men of Oklahoma City know how to snack with gusto. Their city owns the highest purchase rate of salty snacks, such as COMBOS®.

Got chainsaws? What about hammers and power drills? The men of New Orleans do. The "Big Easy" boasts more hardware stores per capita than any other U.S. city."

So as I sit here, considering whether I would like some salty junk food myself, I must remind myself that no, salt is for the manly men. I'd better go eat some celery. The designers of the study helpfully also remind us that "thanks to COMBOS, women now know where to find the manliest men around." So I'd better run to Nashville and find me a chain-saw-loving, drag-racing, home-improving, hunk of burning love.

And I would also like someone to explain to me what exactly a "hearty pretzel and cracker snack made with real cheese" is. Maybe the makers of COMBOS should get on that before they tackle sweeping demographic studies.