I loved that we set out milk and cookies for Santa. I love that, as we read about Christ's birth from Luke, we were able to use the nativity set to make the scene. I love that we were able to include Taylor & Seth in our celebration through stockings, ornaments, and our Molly Bears.

I love that Kiersten enjoyed every Cinderella (tag, shirt, futon, blanket, etc) that she saw. I love that the boys picked out gifts for each other. I love that they could all lay down together with their new blankets to watch a movie together. I love that we could all eat at the table together. I love that I had most of the food prepared so I didn't have to spend half my day in the kitchen while the kids played joyfully.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Seth's due date is in 8 days. Taylor's first angel-birthday is 4 weeks after that. We're still working on getting their gravestone set.

There are a lot of confusing emotions that go around all of this with Taylor and Seth. If Taylor hadn't died, I wouldn't know Seth. I would have a 5 month old little girl instead. If Seth hadn't died, I wouldn't know that there was a need for angel baby clothing, Taylor would be alone, but I would be very large and complaining joyfully about swollen ankles while washing all of the baby boy clothes leftover from Keith and Mitchell that hasn't been worn in nearly 4 years.

I wish I had them both, but I'm glad they're together. I wish I had them both, but I think I've become a less selfish person because of their brief lives. I wish I could hold them both, watch them smile, listen to them coo and laugh... but I understand that they are where they are most needed (they've got missionary work to do, after all) and because of them I have a work to do here.

Ben and I have talked, and several have asked about this conversation: what about more kids?

Well, who knows when it will ever happen. It doesn't matter if it's this month or 6 months, or a year from now, I will have the same emotions to go through. After losing two in a row (both second trimester) and now being familiar with so many people's stories where they've lost anywhere from 4 weeks as they find out they're pregnant to their full term baby to a baby a few days or weeks or even months old (SIDS), I will have the same fears of losing my baby. I am no longer naive believing it won't happen to me. It has happened. Twice. Just as all those parents in Connecticut will now have children in caskets with gravestones as they miss amazing milestones in their lives, I have two of those. In a few months, the outrage will die down and everyone, such as their friends and neighbors, will go back to their daily lives as if nothing ever happened. That's when those parents are going to feel another wave of grief. I know, I know... "it's not the same thing" for me as it is for them. But I know enough about losing a child that I know what to expect for them. I may not know what my babies' favorite colors are or what their laugh sounds like, but neither I nor those parents will get to see our angel children graduate high school, get married, have kids, etc. Both I and those parents will always treasure the items that they touched, like blankets and outfits.

Anyway, being pregnant again will have the same emotions, no matter when it happens. It'll all be wrapped around: will I get to keep my child?

However, until then, I am glad I was able to carry my two angels letting them know and feel love every day of their brief lives. I'm glad they were/are MY children. I'm so glad to be their mommy, even if from such an incredible distance. I hope I can continue to honor them and their memories always. And I hope to be able to bring comfort to others as I go about honoring my angels.

Background

About Me

Just some stories about me and my family.
Ben & I were married July 2004. Since then we've added
Keith (Feb 2006),
Mitchell (Feb 2009),
Kiersten (Jan 2011),
Taylor (Jan 2012, born sleeping at 13 weeks),
and Seth (Aug 2012, born sleeping at 16 weeks).
Our story continues...