Went back to Athens. Did the whole chapter, I guess, cuz the trophy popped. Short chapter.

I’m back on my boat with Adulisa or whatever.

You do all that? Cuz if not, won’t spoil.

Feminina:

Yeah…that all happened. That was…something. Was your Athens full of plague? Because if not, that’s totally my fault.

Butch:

Oh yeah. Terrible plague. Had to burn bodies. Which, remember, in my case, was foretold. I had that quest where I had to take an herb to a guy because he had a vision that Athens was going to fall to a terrible sickness. Spot on, dude.

So you do all of it?

Feminina:

I didn’t burn any bodies! I just walked around them, no one told me to burn them. I did remember your prophecy, which I never did get. Interesting.

Also, this was when I decided to finally go after Nyx, and it turns out the advantage of a plague is that no one really cares if you’re fighting cultist spymasters in the street–she was wandering around all alone, and no one tried to stop me from attacking her. She was still tough, but at least it was just her.

The cult still killed Phoibe, though. Which was an unrelated quest, but which tied in uncomfortably well in terms of timing. Sigh.

Poor Phoibe. And Deimos cutting Perikles’ throat in the Parthenon! Did not entirely see that coming.

Butch:

So I can ask: Where to next? I was going to drift down to the Obsidian Isles there, as they are close and I think they’re weak enough a cultist will “engage me in a naval battle.” Might as well do that.

And there’s two blue tales quests, on in Phokis, one by the salty bear, that are close to fast travel points. We should do those. Those are good.

Or I could just main story it up.

Have you done anything past magpie?

No bodies? Really? When I got back to plague Athens, between me and the main quest was Hippokrates, all “Please! You must burn them!” So I did. Got, like, 12000 XP.

But what really sucked is that a couple had dogs by them, which attacked, and, apparently, “Killing an Animal” is a crime which will up your bounty. I have to pay off bounties from dogs. DOGS.

I bet all the dogs in Greece are named Kevin.

Ah, man! That would have been nice with Nyx! She was tough and had friends when I killed her!

Ok….so…I’m not gonna google cuz I don’t want spoilers, but that with Phoibe was unavoidable, right? Cuz the quest was “protect Phoibe,” which made me think that we could have saved her. I kinda doubt it, cuz that was quite the plot point, but I can see how it would be doable either way.

I was also sensitive to that as the other quest I did was one for Allie who keeps popping up. He wanted me to take a drunk dude home. I kept trying to save the drunk dude, but I kept failing and gave up.

I have thoughts about that. Did you do that?

I didn’t see Perikles’ death coming either, especially as I was being all smart. See, after killing Nyx, I looked at the clue (which I’m pretty sure you aren’t doing) and it was “Active in Athenian Politics.” I noticed that some other cultist had a note from a boss signed “P” so I was all “Dude, it’s so Perikles. Looks like he’s all democracy, free thoughts and TWIST!” Guess not.

At least I can always say I was right about Arthur’s TB.

Though, this being AC, I could still be right! Cuz there’s all SORTS of weird! Like Deimos always having two dudes around who’s only job is to “die fighting my sister so I can slip away and appear at the end of the next chapter.” Probably not a job you want to take.

Though I will heap some praise on the game now: Phoibe’s death scene was really well done. I shall praise the thing I praise that you never notice: Sound. There was a LONG shot, Kassandra realizing she can’t save her, folding her hands, etc., that was SILENT. No ambient noise, no music, no nothing. That’s so rare in games. Games usually overdo it with sound effects, music, characters that never shut up, etc. To have this emotional moment punctuated by absolute silence was both effective and really made you realize how uncommon it is to hear nothing in a game, and how maybe that’s a trick more games should pick up. As I tell my kids, you don’t always need to be talking and making noise.

Props, game.

Feminina:

It was a good scene. There was genuine sorrow in Kassandra’s actions, and emotion is often a tough thing to get across. And the quiet, yeah, I didn’t really notice because our fan is so loud (holding out for the PS5). But good point!

I also wondered if we could have saved Phoibe. I mean, I did pause to fight Nyx before checking out that dude’s house where she was supposed to be. Maybe if I’d been quicker…but I don’t know.

It does also have kind of the feel of a plot point that was going to happen no matter what, so maybe we couldn’t have avoided it. I didn’t look it up either, although I’m tempted.

And dude, Alkibiades is such a jerk! Always getting me to do his dirty work. Delivering casts of his penis to enemies, hauling drunk people (presumably also enemies) into bad neighborhoods to be murdered by thugs…but I can’t lie, I’ll totally still do whatever his next quest is, because he’s also kind of funny. Plus, often good for a quick, tension-releasing orgy or a romp in a sacred temple!

After leaving Athens, I went over towards Paros, since Barnabas’ quest goes there (among other places), and Mykonos and Naxos are nearby so I can then drop off that lady and then go follow up on the lead about my mother. Enough things in one place that it seemed worth coming to this area.

Then, obviously, I got caught up in a saga on Mykonos and Delos that I’m just finishing, but there are two cultists around so I was glad to kill them along the way. Need…spear fragments…

I wonder why Hippokrates didn’t ask me to burn bodies? I totally would have done it! I fast-traveled in…maybe I just missed him.

Butch:

Nah, I did it all in one big linear swoop and she still died. That said, whenever I try to save someone (drunk politician, theater owners who took in orphans, poor women who got tricked into losing their hair) they die. And that “Protect Phoibe” quest objective…it could have been a fake out, but I dunno.

I’ll live with it.

Don’t look it up. We shall move on.

And no, I did the same thing, fast traveled to Athens. Hippokrates was right there, like, 40 meters or whatever from the temple DIRECTLY between said temple and the main quest. You couldn’t have missed him. Didn’t even have to magpie.

Weird.

But it wasn’t much of a quest. You just had to pick up bodies and chuck them into a bonfire. Gross, but hardly story themey centric.

But I did learn you can chuck bodies. Good to know, I guess.

I’m starting to not trust Alkibiades. He’s all “Take him home….” and the guy was even saying “Why are we going this way? I don’t live here!” and I figured “Meh, he’s drunk.” But he didn’t live there. He was set up, and we killed his killers. Allie would know that a) the killers would probably kill the politician and b) we’d be cool cuz we’re badass.

This begs the question: Why is he killing so many people and lying to us about it? We’ve joked that all you have to say to us is “Hey, we knew mumble mumble so hey, could you go kill my neighbor?” and we’re all “SURE!” And yet….he’s being elusive.

Though I did turn down a quest where it was mumble mumble kill someone! Some dude in Korinth was upset that someone “had the ear” of his “beloved heratae with the name that also starts with A this shit is so confusing” and I just said no. It was an “impact quest.” He said “Come back if you change your mind,” but I won’t. I’m in love with love, man. I’m not going to kill someone just cuz this weirdo doesn’t like her flirting.

We’ll see what the impact is.

All right. I’ll drift towards Mykonos and Delos. The blue quests can wait, what being by fast travel points and all.

Feminina:

Oh yeah, I turned that down too! I’m not going to go hassling some woman or killing her new love or whatever because some guy is afraid she doesn’t love him. That’s the kind of job angry, entitled-feeling men have always handled on their own–you don’t need a trained warrior.

I mean, I would have killed him if the guy had had a better story. Tell me the other dude stole your grandfather’s handaxe or something. Just don’t make me feel too bad about myself, mm’kay?

Weird. I really wonder what I did to make Hippokrates think I wasn’t up to the task of chucking bodies. Oh well. I’ll manage without his XP.

Butch:

Right! Or say she is falsely claiming you owe her money.

Kassandra: “Chaire, stranger. I have picked you as the random person I will say ‘do you need help from a mercenary’ to, so…uh….do you need help from a mercenary?”NPC: “Yes. Please kill this woman.”K: “Why?”NPC: “She’s stopping me from getting my thang on.”K: “Pfft. Not my problem, stranger. That’s some weird malaka.”NPC: “Uh…..and she says I owe her for the baklava at last week’s office party, but it was so her turn to pay!”K: “Why didn’t you say so? She’ll beg for mercy!”

That’s so weird about the bodies. Ah, well. I’m sure you’ll just have to get your XP from killing captains like everyone else.

Feminina:

I’ve clawed my way to level 44 over the backs of murdered captains, and I see no reason to change strategies now.

Butch:

Show off.

Hey is Mr O done? Junior was trophy stalking. Seems he is.

Feminina:

Yeah, he just got the platinum last night.

Butch:

And now he can rest.

Dear god.

There’s a cultist. He’s on a boat.

To find him, you have to do a conquest battle.

A naval conquest battle.

So, after weakening everything.

Fuck. That.

Did it though.

Feminina:

Oh man…I hope that’s not the naval conquest battle I started, accidentally ran away from, and then respawned when the nation had refortified and the battle was no longer available! I was going to do that one!

I don’t remember where it was, though, so…whatever. I’ll get back to it eventually. Or not.

Butch:

It was pretty obvious, dude. Like, the battle starts and BOOM cultist discovered, go unmask hey there he is!

You’ll get it eventually. You have to. Only way to kill the cultist. Which you have to do, right?

Feminina:

Oh, whew. That wasn’t the one I did, then. I would have noticed a cultist on a boat. Probably.

Butch:

Well, especially as he got revealed the moment the battle started. You’d have noticed.

Maybe.

But, now that Mr. O knows, DO you have to kill all the cultists to finish the game?

Cuz I’m telling you, I’ll finish the game, but I ain’t platinuming shit. It’s fun, but we have lots of other stuff to play, and LOTS more coming up. I ain’t got three days to spend doing frustrating ship battles to kill cultists. Life’s too short.

Feminina:

Oh, good point! I’ll ask him if he actually had to kill them all. Stay tuned.

The whole “unmask then track down cultists” thing is stupid. Really, really stupid. The “clues” are silly, and now, half the time, the “clue” is just “I’ll TELL YOU WHO I AM!”

This is silly.

It really does seem like the whole thing is a remnant from a first draft of the game. It reads like something that was going to be the game, a “find clues, hunt them down” game, and then, at some point, they decided that they would make things more RPGish. As it is now, it just plain doesn’t fit. Sure, it gives Kassandra some motivation to do the overall plot, but the whole mechanic of “clues” (in quotes, as these “clues” don’t lead to any mystery or discovery) and “unmasking” is just busy work.

Worse, when they have to go “Uhh…shit….gotta let the player know this guy’s a cultist…” it makes no narrative sense. Ok, Monger’s a cultist. Fine. But they couldn’t let a “clue” be part of the game because a magpie would’ve found it and gone after the Monger at some earlier time and fucked it all up. The only way that the Monger could a) be a cultist and b) die at that point in the narrative would be the way they did it: “I AM A CULTIST!” The fact they’re doing that so often is making the whole cult thing make even less sense than it did in the first place. Kassandra is supposed to be all “WHOA. There’s a CULT? A SECRET CULT? No. Way. Who knew? And they’re everywhere? Controlling us? This is MESSED UP.” Right? That’s kinda the point of a SECRET CULT. And yet, here’s the Monger, standing in a theater in front of all of Korinth (or, like, the ten people Ubisoft could animate without crashing the system….kinda wimpy attendance, there) screaming “I should have taken her head to the CULT! The SECRET CULT! Power to KOSMOS, leader of the VERY SECRET CULT that you, Eagle Bearer, never heard of because it’s SO FUCKING SECRET! Right, spectators?”

Villain exposition is bad enough, but when it happens about something secret ON STAGE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CITY it’s just too damn much.

Ah, well. He’s dead now.

Feminina:

I’m home today because I had to drop people off at places. So I’m going to play later.

The Monger! Yes, at least he’s dead. My amusing story about that is, I had a couple of bounty hunters chasing me when I went to face him, and the first time we fought he defeated me, so I respawned and ran up the side of the building there to shoot at him, and while I was shooting, a level-40 bounty hunter came riding up and started fighting with him! Killed him and his men for me while I lurked up there on the building! And then, so as not to risk losing this precious gift, I paid off my bounties and lurked until the guy lost interest and rode off.

It was a lot easier than I thought that fight would be, that’s for sure.

Every once in a while, bounty hunters come in handy.

But yeah, the whole “just so you know I’M IN A CULT” reveal was entertaining the first time, and I’m not going to turn it down this time, obviously (I need that shard!), but…meh.

Butch:

Of course you’re gonna play.

I’m going to get the car worked on. Sigh. But I’ll be ALONE! so that’s good.

Dude, that’s pretty awesome about the bounty hunters (if cheap). My thing was that I got followed to it, had to kill a guy, and then “become anonymous” but the broom brigade was chasing me. I was gonna kill everyone until I noticed that one of the broom Kevins was an impact quest giver! Seriously! I couldn’t kill a quest giver! So I ran like hell, found a place to hide, and this swarm of citizens is getting closer and closer….and then poof. I stayed out of sight long enough for them to chill, and they ALL ran, I mean, RAN back to their little NPC places. Maybe, ten of them. Like, “Oh SHIT I belong in that three foot square box someone’s gonna take my box if I don’t get back and I left the oven on and I’m out.”

Entertaining vs. cheesy aside….do people in cults call them cults? Cuz if you’re in a cult, you don’t believe it’s a cult, or something….right? I don’t know. It’s very meta.

Actually, it’s vegetarian meatloaf, which, when you think about it, is also an unnatural mutant creation.

And I’m making Ossimir venison from the Elder Scrolls cookbook on date night Friday. Seriously.

This weekend? Brahmin burgers with nuka cola barbecue sauce.

Seriously.

GOD we’re geeks.

But we can take heart in knowing that we can now make Fancy Lads Snack Cakes!

Seriously.

Feminina:

OHMYGOD I need Fancy Lad Snack Cakes!!!!!!!!

That’s awesome.

Man, we’re geeks.

Butch:

We sure are. We sure are.

They actually look damn tasty. I thought the book would be kinda jokey, like, blamco mac and cheese would be, like, “Get a box of mac and cheese….” but it’s, like, real, homemade, gourmet mac and cheese.

They even have cocktails called Rad Away, Psycho and Stimpak.

It’s kinda sorta amazing.

Feminina:

I feel that’s really not in the true spirit of Blam-Co, but I suppose it’s probably a lot more likely to be something one would actually eat.

I wonder if I know anyone who might enjoy receiving that book as a gift…

Phew, sorry. Today’s the day we’re celebrating my dad’s birthday, so I was baking a pie, and the recipe was….questionable, so I had to take some time saving it. Still not sure if I did. Of all the reasons to postpone the opening of the blog day, saving pie must be very close to the top if not at the top.

Anyway, I did play! And…well…did you get to Keos? Because I was all excited for THEMES when I got to Keos and now…less so.

Which seems to be a theme unto itself. Every time I think THEMES! I am disappointed very quickly.

I was thinking about how maybe Megara was all “Religion is a sham!” and Lokris was maybe “Or maybe it’s not!” and Attika was “You can’t trust philosophy, either!” but maybe I’m grasping at straws cuz I’m desperate. I’ve been trying to come up with good bloggage comparing and contrasting the way chapter three ended (That is, the cult “party”) and chapter four (the party of thinkers and artists) but every time I think I have something good to say it falls apart in my head after three or four sentences.

I do know those were the end of “chapters” because that’s when trophies for finishing said chapters popped: right after the cult thing, and right after Perikles’ thing. So there’s gotta be something there! But…I dunno. Maybe I’m just hoping, the same way I was hopeful when I got to Keos.

You get to Keos?

Feminina:

Of course I went to Keos! I’m deeply wounded by the implication that I might not have gotten to Keos, just because I never get around to going anywhere I say I’m going to go!

First I went back to Athens to help Alkibiades’ friend cheat his way to citizenship, and then I went to the Isle of Salamis to hunt a cultist I’d heard about, who I think turned out to be the guy at the quarry that you were looking for. So, yeah, I thought we were talking about the same thing at one point, but this was a completely different quarry than the one I was looking at before. I’d never set foot on the Isle of Salamis. I was pleased with how it turned out, though: there were a couple of sleeping guards and the cultist sitting right next to them near a canopy, and I just hopped onto him from the canopy and assassinated him without even waking the guards. Then I looted a couple of treasures and ran off. Now that’s successful sneaking!

THEN I went to Keos. Sneaked into the city to talk to Xenia the pirate, learned…stuff. Did you talk to the pirate?

Oh, and if you talked to the pirate, did you notice that the other two leads we had about Kassandra’s mother WENT AWAY? We were sure that wouldn’t happen, but apparently you just have to find the information one time!

I’m actually kind of disappointed because I kind of wanted to talk to the hetaerae–I was interested to see how the game presented that.

I’m also quite curious as to whether that means you learn different things about your mother based on where you go first (and if that’s based on different parts of the same story, or if she literally has a different history), or if you always have to come to the pirate island, but if you go to the other places first, they won’t have any information. In which case, you’d get more game out of it by going somewhere else first. (Not that we NEED more game. But still.)

I don’t know. If you haven’t talked to the pirate yet, maybe follow up on one of the other leads first, just for blogging’s sake and so we can see what happens. But if you did, we can talk about that.

Also, saving a pie is definitely at the top of the list of reasons to postpone blogging. Well done.

Butch:

Don’t jinx it. It’s not out of the oven yet.

I did talk to the pirate, and I was so very happy, as I thought THEMES! Here’s a black woman, who starts the whole thing expressing great anger at slavers. Like, SHIT, right? We’ve been talking about how slavery is everywhere in this game and whether we would someday tackle it. Upon meeting Xenia, I was thinking “OK, here we GO!”

And then I did something else. Meh. Did you do anything else? Or are you so rich you were just like “Oh, hey, here, take the money, whatevs?”

Cuz I gotta come up with some serious drachmae here.

Wait, WHAT? No, I didn’t notice that about the quests! Like the Hippocrates thing? I wanted to do that, too!

Maybe they’re just kinda paused? I did notice that Keos was, in fact, the lowest level of the potential choices, so maybe the game was urging us here, and now is keeping us here. I don’t know what happened to you, cuz you’re rich, but right now the game is pretty much saying to me “Butch? Nothing is going to happen of any consequence until you cough up fifteen grand, and every not boring way to get that fifteen grand is right here, so how about you stay right the fuck here for a spell, m’kay?” Maybe once we’re done with Keos it’ll be all “Ok….and now the next thing….”

Maybe.

Did you google it to see?

But yeah, talked to the pirate. We’ll talk about that.

Though a question before we do: I did that quest for Kleon, forts, etc., which, as you said, ended with me (heh, more on that in a minute) sinking their boat. So I did all that, and I took my sweet time getting to my boat thinking “I’ll let those other boats do most of the work.” So I got on my boat, which I hadn’t been on in some time, and Barabas started yapping (as he will). At that very moment, it turned out that my plan to let the other boats do most of the work turned into “do ALL of the work,” as the target boat sank. This led to the triumphant chords, JUST as Barabas is telling me about new quest and, I think, a cultist. I went to the cult screen, though, and no new clues or anything.

Please tell me I didn’t miss anything and my game isn’t glitched.

Feminina:

Oh, dude. I just handed her the cash on the spot. “Here you go, scary giant pirate lady!”

We won’t talk about what she told me after I paid her, then.

And no, I didn’t check the internet about the other quests, I just couldn’t find them highlighted when I looked at my quest list…but it looks as if this walkthrough here (spoilers, don’t read, just citing sources) that covers chapter five includes mention of hetaerae and Hippokrates, so maybe they just got reclassified since they’re no longer one of three equal possibilities for learning the information I need.

Or maybe I was just selectively blind last night when I was looking for them. Also possible.

OK, never mind that part of the discussion! You’re probably right, it’s more that we’re meant to do them all in a specific order, starting with this one.

As for Kleon’s quest (thank you Barnabas for always talking at inconvenient times), I’m pretty sure you didn’t miss anything. I was also in the middle of a battle (that same battle, in fact) while he was talking about that, so yeah, something something cultist? Whatever. If it was a quest we’re supposed to be doing, it’ll be on our quest list and we’ll get to it eventually. If it was a cultist clue, it would show up on our cultist screen. If it was random background noise, it doesn’t matter. There’s no way it could be a game-critical fact and yet leave no discernible trace on the actual game. I refuse to worry about it.

I’m telling you, it’s part of their clever plan to make us think the story is more complex and full of detail than it is! It’s probably in the code:

“IF ambient_noise > 10 decibels Barnabas share [key plot point]”

I was kind of stupid about that battle, though. I got to the beach, killed all the guys, and then it said “destroy ship” with a quest marker on the ship. So obviously I swam out to the ship and singlehandedly murdered everyone on it and then ran around like a ninny thinking “but how do I destroy it? is there some way to set it on fire? Some explosive device I can set off?” before I thought that since it was a SHIP, maybe I was supposed to attack it with another SHIP, like maybe my own SHIP that I totally have.

So I swam back to the dock to summon the Adrestia, and then when it got there, all we had to do was ram the completely abandoned other ship a few times. While of course also fighting off that mercenary’s ship, since he showed up to join the party.

Good times. Good times.

Butch:

Well, here’s what happened if you didn’t: She’s all “There’s ways to make money on the island, or just go raid that fort.” Seriously. Three side quests popped, though, on the “make money on the island” stuff, so I thought “THEMES! Let me at it!” So I picked one and….it was a fetch quest. Just a fetch quest. With a twist you could see coming from a mile away.

No themes. Not a trace.

I suppose one way of making you catch up after you magpie is just the game being all “FINE! Skip it!”

Ah, the quests are there. There ya go. Sorta figured this wasn’t the kind of game that was gonna pull a Witcher 2 and be all “Hey, you don’t get to see these 30 hours of content if you do XYZ.”

See, that’s what’s so great about the way you game. Totally, blissfully optimistic. Refusing to worry about details, bugs, glitches, whether you’re on the save or load screen…..

HA! That’s awesome, with the ship.

Kassandra: OK! Gonna go destroy that!Barabas: You know we could help-Kassandra: Take that! And that!Odessa: Babe, we’re right here if you need-Kassandra: Chain attack! BOOM!Barabas: We’ve sharpened the javelins just this morning-Kassandra: Wham! Bam! KABOOM!Odessa: Just let her do her thing. She was like this in bed, too.

See, I sorta figured that my boat would be rather crucial as it was ALREADY THERE when I showed up at the beach despite the fact I had left it hundreds of miles away. You had to call yours? Mine was conveniently pre-delivered for quest purposes. I could sorta see:

Kassandra: How did you know I’d need you?Barabas: A little bird told me.Ikaros: Who you calling little, one eye?

You do Heitor’s thing?

Feminina:

Yeah, see, my ship wasn’t there! I had to go summon it, and then sit down and wait overnight (or whatever, you know that “time passing” thing they do) until it got there! Sure, if it had been right there maybe I would have thought to get on it.

I mean, unless it was right there and I missed it and then Barnabas sailed away in a huff and made me wait overnight once I finally thought to call it. Which…I mean, maybe. I’ll believe anything about my lack of attention to detail at this point. But I didn’t SEE my ship there, that’s for sure.

And sure, it could be “letting me catch up after all the magpie,” or it COULD be telling you “dude, shoulda magpied more and you’d have the money already.” It’s all in how you look at it. I didn’t get those fetch quests, so I just hopped merrily around the island checking out question marks. Which let’s be honest I would have done anyway.

Oh, but having killed three cultists over the weekend, I was able to upgrade my spear! Now I really want to kill a bunch more, because I need nine fragments to get to level five and several of my abilities need a spear at level five before I can increase them. I may just hunt cultists for a few sessions.

I did Heitor’s first thing, got his spear back from the fort. Then got sidetracked before following up on his second thing.

Did you do Sokrates’ thing with the stolen horse? Or the one out in the middle of nowhere, about a slave? That was interesting. Interesting the way they’re presenting these rather heavy philosophical questions in this setting.

Butch:

Dude, level four spear is SO two weeks ago. What took you so long?

Yes! The Socrates horse thing led to the Socrates slave thing which is the bit where the guy was all “AHA! I am the cultist you’ve been looking for! Your clue is….wait for it…..I’M THE GUY! Now….can you guess who the guy is?”

It was pretty good how they did it. Especially as, I think, the second talk with Socrates WAS the choice. The one in the slave quest. Baddie is all ‘Kill the woman!” and you know that you have to kill her to save the slave. Then, after talking with Socrates, that’s it. You can’t be all “Hmm. Now I shall ponder that and decide.” What you say in the moment decides, right? Cuz I had the chat, and said “All lives are equal” or something, and boom. Check mark over the soon to be summarily killed cultist. That was that. Can’t kill the woman. The slave is doomed.

And I didn’t expect that. Props to the game for holding you to your own ideals. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.

Feminina:

Yeah, I kind of loved that. “Oh, and by the way I’m in the cult, hahahaha you won’t dare touch me though!”

Interesting…I think I said all lives were NOT equal. Meaning that some people are, indeed, worth saving more than other people are. Like, if you’re a murderous cultist, I think you’re worth less than a random innocent, basically.

And then when I was done talking to Sokrates, I turned around and went right back to the cult dude, because I decided that one person’s freedom was not worth more than another person’s life. Right? I hate slavery and people deserve to be free, and I want to help the guy I promised to help, but does he deserve freedom more than some woman deserves to live? I can’t make that call.

Especially not if her dying is what the cult wants. So I just strolled back over and went to talk to the guy and he said “fine, your friend will get an extra ration of hard labor because of this” or something, and then I immediately backstabbed him, hoping that maybe he wouldn’t get around to giving the order to give my friend (who’s probably not actually that fond of me at this point) extra labor. Or order someone else to go kill that woman. (Especially since he previously said he didn’t even remember any of his slaves’ names, so he might not even have known who I was talking about.)

It was nice of him to tell me straight out that he was in the cult, and then not to attempt to defend himself against my assassination. That was also pretty foolish of him, when you think about it. But the cult probably can’t afford to admit members based purely on intelligence.

Butch:

Oh, I got the quest over thing. That was that. Check mark. And yeah, he was all “Ha! Now you made it worse for your friend.” Whatever, dude. I was with you, though. I wasn’t going to do something the cult actually wanted.

Which’ll be a terrible mistake, I’m sure.

But he was quite the doofus, unbelievably so. Cuz it wasn’t that we were just some nameless mercenary: he was all “Ah, the Eagle Bearer” and she was all “You know me?”

So he was all “Ah, yes, I know you. Which is why I will tell you who I am, tell you to do something you totally won’t do, then stand real still, unarmored and unarmed, hoping you’ll just walk away cuz I sneered really well, despite the fact you’re trying to kill everyone in the cult I just told you I was a part of.”

Dude had a lot of faith in that sneer. Too much, it seems.

Just imagine the anti-climax for me, though. I spent SO much time trying to find what turned out to be a non-existent clue to find out who that guy was, and then he just tells me and stands there. I almost wanted him to fight.

Feminina:

Oh, the big red X for failing to help?! I’ve only gotten that a few times. We fear the big red X on a quest. Even though sometimes it may be the right thing to do! Or the terribly wrong one. We may hear more from/about that slave in the days to come.

That cultist must have accomplished a lot in life with sneer power, to have that much confidence in it. And yet somehow, just when he needed it most, it tragically failed to protect him from being totally unexpectedly killed by the outrageously skillful mercenary with the specific goal of killing all cultists, with whom he had just been speaking and against whose attacks he had taken no precautions whatsoever.

He was so helpless I would have felt kind of bad about killing him, if he hadn’t made such a strong case for why he needed a good backstab.

Butch:

Oh he made that case.

Though what ALMOST saved him was quest anxiety. I was sitting there thinking “Wait….can I just kill him? Will that bork a quest?”

Bad guys can always kinda hide behind that. “MWHAHAHA! I’m not a quest objective! If you kill me, you might miss a quest later and YOU’LL NEVER KNOW! But go ahead…take the chance you’ll miss out….”

So I was going to go off to Keos (why do I think we’re going to be starting a lot of days like that?) but there were side quests in Attika and, you know, side quests.

So I did the side quests. They all involved Socrates, who I wish would just shut up and have some hemlock already. I take it you haven’t done them. But you will someday, because you’ll have to cuz cultists.

So remember that guy with the mine I was trying to track down? The slave guy? Well, in the middle of the last damn quest, the guy is all “I want you to kill so and so” and I say “Why?” and he’s all “The Cult of Kosmos needs her dead,” and IT’S THE GUY! After all that, he just TELLS YOU! Then, after banter ensued, the quest ended, and he was JUST STANDING THERE with his back to me. So I killed him.

You’ll get there. We’ll talk. It’s something we shall have thoughts upon. But, after all the searching, talk about an anticlimax.

AND! AND! Guess where he was? Go ahead. Guess. C’mon guess HE WAS RIGHT BY THAT FUCKING SILVER MINE IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET INTO! So if I had NOT magpied, just followed the way the game was guiding me, I’d’ve found him, then BOOM cultist clue nearby, THEN done the mine.

This game, you see, does not want us to magpie. It wants us to follow the breadcrumbs.

We should just go to fucking Keos. Where I’ve already been cuz I magpied.

Also, regarding the magpie and the game’s desire that we knock it the fuck off, we really should get on with getting on with things because the more I see fall approaching, and the more I see gameplay from the Outer Worlds, and the more I hear it has great companions, and the more I think that Death Stranding is coming out in the fall as well, the more I think maybe I don’t want to be assassinating dudes too far into the fall. Not that I’m not liking this game, but DAMN when was the last time we had three AAA games that we’ve been into dropping in a six month span?

Cuz I also lose a week, you know. Soon it’s once again time to TRAVEL BLOG WITH BUTCH! The readers will thrill to Butch’s adventures as BUTCH TAKES SOUTH BEACH, BABY!

They’ll love it. It’s gonna be great.

Feminina:

I also did side quests in Attika! Went after that guy Kleon wanted me to find in the quarry. Remembered I’d already cleared out the quarry a week ago (although of course it had been restaffed in the meantime), so at least I didn’t have to bother with killing the captain and finding the treasure. (I actually quite enjoyed that quarry at the time. Lots of interesting levels and hiding places.)

Found the guy, who was a TOTALLY different H-name guy than the Heitor you were looking for, although while in that general area I did pick up the Heitor quest. Did pick up a clue about a cultist once I went back to my ship, which I did because of ship-related reasons that only Kleon’s dude can tell you about. Probably not in any way related to the cultist you were looking for clues about, who turned out to actually just be standing there.

Was randomly attacked by a shipfaring mercenary known, counterintuitively, as “The Terror of the Land.” (I suppose he swoops in on his ship to terrorize coastal cities? Still. Odd choice of name.)

Now I have to go back to Athens to talk to Kleon and Allie. And probably Sokrates because that dude does talk.

And man, it’s true, we do have a lot of stuff on the horizon that we potentially want to play. Including what’s-his-name-Cage’s latest, which we got for free last month and haven’t looked at!

At least nothing new in August. It’s just Wipeout Omega and Sniper Elite 4, neither of which interest me.

Butch:

Shit forgot about that! And we never did play Life is Strange two.

Better get going here.

Not that I can right now. Spending yet more money on junior. School is expensive.

Feminina:

And Divinity: Original Sin 2!

There’s a lot going on.

You know, with the time we spent on Red Dead Redemption 2’s epilogue, we probably could have played at least LiS2.

I will never really forgive that epilogue.

Butch:

Shit I had forgotten that one! Jeez. We better go to Keos.

I wasn’t going to forgive that epilogue anyway, but when you put it that way, I’m even less likely to forgive it.

Ok! Now that I’m out of money, back to blogging!

So which Attika quests? I did the ones where I had to forge name, that led to “get me a witness,” then “break into the playwright’s house” popped by the statue of Athena, did that, that made another Socrates quest pop in the port place (this one was about a horse thief), and then the quest where you help a slave popped by the silver mine.

Much more efficient to chase exclamation points than question marks.

Probably a T SHIRT!!!!! that.

I haven’t done fuck all for Kleon. I kinda forget what I’m supposed to do for Kleon. What am I supposed to do for Kleon? I thought it was “Hey, man, if you see a Spartan fort, kill the polemarch and tell me, m’kay?” So I was just waiting to magpie in Sparta.

Feminina:

That’s what I was thinking too, re: Kleon, but it turns out he’s specifically interested in the polemarch in one particular Spartan camp, which is right outside Athens. So you’re in the general area already.

It leads to a moderately involved bit with a ship, if you’re in the mood for that. Though I seem to recall that everyone involved was about level 29, so maybe come back to it later.

Chasing exclamation points is all very well, except then how are you going to hit all the question marks? WHAT IF YOU MISS SOMETHING?!

And I know many rational people would say “if I don’t get to it through exclamation points, I’ll just go back for it later on,” but what if you never do? What if you finish the game without getting back to that lion cave to kill that Alpha Animal?

The horror. THE HORROR.

And sure, rational people would point out that if you didn’t get around to doing it during the course of the entire game it probably isn’t that important, but THEY CAN’T BE SURE OF THAT.

What if we miss story? Romance? A statue of Naked Zeus being naked?

The soul quails in terror.

In short: I’ll never give up the magpie. You can’t make me.

Butch:

Oh THAT place. Yeah, I know the place. When I was running the fuck away from killing the cultist in downtown Athens (let’s just say I wasn’t really at my best stealth wise), I ran like holy hell and, when I stopped, it was all “You are by an untracked target,” to which I said “I am?” and boom. Fort.

You do know you’re going to end up playing the game twice, right? The first time you kill everything everywhere, and then the second time you kill everything everywhere.

Probably for the best I’m going to strut my stuff on South Beach. Let you catch up while I’m KILLING IT with the beautiful people.

Feminina:

Naw, because the second time I go back, I sometimes don’t even bother to kill anyone! I’ll sneak in, do whatever I need to do, and bolt out again.

Doesn’t always work. I’ll admit that. Sometimes you do wind up having to kill everyone all over again. But many times, you can say “OK, I don’t have any location objectives here, don’t have to kill any captains or burn any war supplies, so I’m out. Later losers!”

I’m not ashamed to run like hell away from a fight if it will save me the time and annoyance of having to fight a bunch of dudes for no reason.

Butch:

We’ve been differing in this game more than usual, and here’s another difference: “No reason” means different things to us at this juncture.

I mean, dude, why do you need boots that are obsolete the minute you loot them? What did that alpha animal do to you?

I guess I read the word “practical” between “no” and “reason.” Silly me.

Feminina:

Yeah, you did. Don’t do that.

My reason is: “it says so in the location objections, and I must get that checkmark on the map that says I completed this location.”

Also, I promptly dismantle those boots and use the soft leather to upgrade my ship, so don’t scorn loot you can’t wear. It’s still useful, man.

Butch:

It’s funny though, as you aren’t a completionist in any game that doesn’t have “Assassin’s” or “Creed” in its title. Before you go all “But I didn’t like RDR2 enough to collect all that shit,” I point out you didn’t do every hunting ground in HZD, you didn’t get every moldy flag in DAI (a lot of them, but not all), etc. You don’t have platinums in your trophy case. And yet, in these games, you are all “MUST. HAVE. CHECKMARK.”

It’s very unlike you.

Because, ok, fine. You like AC. But I have been blogging with you a very long time, and I can tell you have played games, we have played games together, that you like more than this one. This game is fun but neither of us are gonna put it on our “top games I’ve ever played ever ever” list. And yet….here you are, doing the complete thing you don’t even do in games that are on your “top games I’ve ever played ever ever” list.

It’s weird, dude. Weird.

Feminina:

I don’t know, man. Consider Fallout. Or the Elder Scrolls games I’ve played. Like this game, they are full of question marks, and as with this game, I compulsively sought out every single one. Did I actually get to every single question mark in FO4? Maybe not. Because they didn’t necessarily show up until you got kind of close to them, and some of them I may have missed. But not for lack of trying. And did I get to every single one I actually saw? I’m pretty sure I did.

I think it’s the question mark itself, to be honest. There’s something about its curling shape, its hint of wonder, its suggestion of mysteries to be solved, that I cannot resist.

Because there are non-question mark things in this game that I’m not going after. I’m not obsessing about killing every single mercenary. I’ll only kill every single cultist if, as we suspect, you have to do it to finish the game. I’m ignoring conquest battles on every side.

Apparently there’s an arena somewhere that at some point you can go to and fight other mercenaries in, and I’m not going anywhere near that unless it’s absolutely required.

And take Mafia III: I didn’t bother to drive in a single race at the racetrack, but did I seek out every point on the map in every single territory? You better believe I did.

So I don’t know, I don’t think I’m doing anything especially out of the ordinary for me.

Question marks. On the map. They cannot be allowed to stand.

If you have found a way to make peace with leaving question marks on a map unexplored, I salute you, but your path to contentment is not mine.

Butch:

Dude, I left playboys undiscovered. I left NUDITY undiscovered.

I suppose you are, at heart, a discoverer. A wonderer. An optimist. You always have hope that next question mark will be something great…something other than a bandit camp or a wolf den, despite the fact it always is one.

Wait until your kids are older. Then your soul will be crushed. You’ll run by all the question marks cuz you’ll know the truth: They just cost money.

Feminina:

It’s up to Future Us to look back upon this day in a few years and see how that turns out. You could be right.

You are the one with the crushed soul, after all.

Speaking of crushed souls, that’s another thing that’s coming out someday…more The Last of Us. There’s a lot to get to. Fortunately, much of it not released yet, but still a lot.

Butch:

I think that one’s a while off. I can’t imagine it’s coming out before the PS5, which is, what, MAYBE Xmas 2020? But Outer Worlds is October, Death Stranding is November, Cyberpunk is April. AND Divinity and Detroit? I mean….

Maybe it will all give us excuses to procrastinate when it comes to playing TLOU2, which I’m not necessarily sure I’m looking forward to…..

Feminina:

Yeah. We will have many opportunities to put off that bit of soul-crushing. Maybe we’ll get around to it when the actual world is less apocalyptic.

So never.

Damn, TLOU turns everything dark really fast.

Butch:

I know. It’s a game I feel I should play, but not a game I want to play. The other games we’ve mentioned today? Want to play.

You know….we don’t HAVE to play it…..

Feminina:

It’s true. We don’t, do we? We might just never get around to it. Even if it’s totally amazing and everyone says it’s the best game ever.

It could happen. Let’s leave our options open there. It’s a comforting thought.

Butch:

Indeed it is. We must remember that this is our hobby. Despite our lengthy complaints about the games we play, we do this for fun. Fun, I say! And, while blogging is as much fun, and TLOU2 is probably going to be bloggage from here to there, we can blog about pretty much anything. ANYTHING.

We have limited time, after all. It’s a precious resource. We wouldn’t waste precious drinking time on booze we didn’t like, now would we?

Well, we would. But only if there was no other booze to be had. But there is other game booze to imbibe, so imbibe we can. Shall. Will. Must!

Feminina:

Yes! We drink soul-crushing booze only when all the other booze is gone!

We don’t HAVE to play soul-crushing games until all the other games are played.

So, never.

Butch:

Indeed, never.

Especially as we’re never going to finish the game we are currently playing.

I mean, no sorceresses in stunning, I mean STUNNING green dresses but hey, no dress ball is perfect.

I feel, though, that I may have missed something. I always get nervy when someone is all “are you SURE you don’t want to leave?”

I also feel that, while that was fun, that it didn’t serve much of a purpose except historic name dropping and saying “OK! Athens time over! Off you go to other places! Here’s a trophy for completing chapter four!” There wasn’t a whole lot of plot, per se unless….

………and here’s what makes me nervous…….

……..they’re setting us up to know all of these folks so that, when they come back later, we understand all their dynamics and interactions and all that shit.

Femmy, I cannot tell all these dudes with beards and hairy chests and names I can’t spell apart when I’m actually AT the party! I’m not going to remember who was arguing with who about what six weeks from now! I’m not going to remember who supported who or who was jealous of who! If this was the game all “OK! This will all be important later! Do you understand?” then my answer is an emphatic “NO! No, game! I do not! And, if I do, I won’t remember!” I’ll remember the orgy dude cuz he was named Allie and didn’t have a beard or a hairy chest so he stands out, but other than that, I’m doomed.

One always remembers the orgy dude.

T SHIRT!!!!!!

I’m so doomed.

Feminina:

Right? The Greeks KNOW how to do a fancy dress ball! (You accepted the fancy dress, I take it? I did. I mean, I considered insisting on keeping my armor and weapons, but I didn’t want to miss the chance to get dressed up, so I figured even if I did get attacked, I’d make do with a cheese knife I grabbed from the buffet table or something.)

I don’t really remember any of those guys either, except Alkibiades (who as you say was hard to miss) and Sokrates (whom I already knew). I think if they come up later, we’ll get some kind of refresher course. I felt like it was really more about the general confusing, drunken atmosphere for Kassandra, as well as uncovering clues about the next places we need to go, than it was about laying out specific important plot points we’ll need to know later.

So and so prefers dry wine! NEVER FORGET THIS.

It’s gonna be great. We’re gonna love it.

I went and killed some people for Kleon, and now he wants me to look for some guy whose name starts with H who was last seen in a quarry. Is that the guy you looked for already? I’m on it.

Butch:

Oh I SO got dressed up! And I accidentally lit myself on fire by walking into a brazier, but, luckily, this did not really affect the look. Hey, orgies AND someone on fire! That’s a Par-TAY!

Sweet wine! He wanted the sweet wine! I think. Whatever. That’s what he got. And the singing competition that followed was great. I take it you sang?

I take it you joined in the orgy?

Man….shit. I GUESS that was who I was looking for. There’s this masked cultist who has a quarry and slaves in Attika. I was looking for his clue. Maybe I had to do the Kleon shit first.

Shit.

Feminina:

Oh man! I gave him dry wine! He liked it, said it was the nectar of the gods, but there was no singing contest, so maybe he would have gotten even drunker if I’d picked the sweet. I thought the guy hiding in the kitchen said the other guy “couldn’t abide” sweet wine, but maybe he said he “couldn’t handle” it…meaning it would have hit him even harder.

Sigh. Can’t believe I missed a singing contest! At least I got the orgy. Going back to the kitchen for oil was a nice touch.

Oh! Oh! And what did Phoibe say when you left? She told me “I heard there was a plague on Kephallonia! You don’t suppose my friend…”

And Kassandra said something like “no, no, this isn’t anyone’s fault! But I’ll go check on Kephallonia.” Which is either lazy game writing, or Kassandra flat-out lying, because I’ve BEEN back to Kephallonia and I know there IS a plague and it’s actually totally my fault. Anyway, props to the game once again for having this choice continue to reverberate through the story.

As for the quarry, I don’t know, this wasn’t anything to do with a cultist, it’s just some messenger Kleon wants me to find me. Maybe a totally different guy.

Butch:

It was a nice touch, but DUDE the singing contest! How on EARTH did you miss the singing contest? They both got drunk, and they challenge each other and Kassandra to a singing verse contest where you have to make up verses on the spot, complete with timed dialog choices. Kassandra is belting it out, man. Girl can hit the back of the room with the best of them. She was totally into it, too, with dance moves and gestures and over emoting. It was great.

Dude! No, Phoibe just said that she can’t wait to see me again, and knows she will this time, because this is Athens and not Kephallonia, and no one ever goes back to Kephallonia!”

Games all “Hey, Femmy, go back and see what you did! But Butch? Yeah, you’re good. Keep on trucking.”

Probably a different H guy. I’ll never find this dude. Probably won’t be able to finish the game.

Feminina:

OH MAN! Sadness. Yeah, he must have preferred the sweet wine. I got none of that. The one guy just told me his tip about the mountain sanctuary or wherever and the other one said “well, this is dull” and staggered off. End of conversation.

Siiiiiigh.

This plague on Kephallonia is going to haunt me forever.

As is the dude you can’t find in the quarry. But nah, he’ll turn up. Bound to. Go kill a dude for Kleon and maybe when he sends you back, somehow the clue will magically be there. Maybe it’s on the messenger I need to look for!

It’ll work out.

I haven’t killed any cultists lately. Need to step up that game, man.

Butch:

Dude, you would have loved it. Cuz we love songs, too! Remember Leliana’s song? We loved that. And drunken song duels pretty much need to be added to our list of things games must have.

Feminina:

I am so grieved and disheartened right now. It hardly even seems worth it to murder more dudes in the face of this terrible setback.

This will surely stand as the single most important thing we did differently in this game. Or perhaps any game.

Butch:

It really will. It really, really will.

I’d urge you to go look at some videos of it online, but that might make the pain all the worse.

Feminina:

Yeah, I thought about that, and then thought “no, it would only rub salt in the wound.”

Knowing you missed a great party isn’t less painful if you can see video of other people having fun at that party.

My Kassandra has made many grave errors in her life, but this is perhaps the gravest. Plague? Enh. Causing a guy to gouge out his own eyes because he couldn’t handle the truth? Being mean to children? Whatever.

Failing to liven up a party? TRAGEDY.

Butch:

Yeah, man. I sang (very well, if I don’t say so myself) AND accidentally lit myself on fire.

I blame the goat.

Feminina:

I didn’t set myself on fire, but I did very warily keep on eye on a torch someone had dropped on the carpet. “That can’t be good,” I thought, and tried to pick it up, but was unable to move it. Probably because my fancy dress hampered my freedom of movement. Ha!

I kept watching other people wandering around almost on top of it, but it never set anything on fire, so everything turned out OK. After watching that random person burn to death in the marketplace that time, not to mention setting myself on fire a few times (not at parties), I have a healthy respect for flames.

Which when you think about it is probably the most practical thing this game could teach us.

Butch:

Second only to “Make sure you get the good wine, cuz otherwise you’ll miss the singing.”

Feminina:

Lesson bitterly learned, game.

Butch:

I do kinda like it as a game mechanic. Like, if you remember/forget the wine choice you get a reward/punishment, but it’s just kinda fun. Had it been “quest failed” or “now you don’t get the information this way so you have to spend two more hours getting it some other way,” that would’ve sucked. So it all stays in character, sure, but in such a way that doesn’t go overboard in punishing the player.

Feminina:

Yeah, I’m into it. No real game impact, but fun stuff you could miss. Like Geralt staying up drinking with the other witchers and dressing up in Yen’s clothes and accidentally calling some other sorceress on the magic sorceress communication device!

Good times, but not a big deal from a game standpoint if you don’t do it.

Butch:

HA! Yeah, that was kinda the best. Yen being pissed about it was the icing on the cake.

Ah, good times. More parties, more drinking, more singing, games.

Feminina:

Yes! All of those things. Plus group hug endings.

Man, someday someone is finally going to make the Best Game Ever by incorporating all of those things.

We’re waiting, game industry. We’re waiting.

Butch:

And nudity. Need more of that.

Feminina:

Oh yes, that goes without saying. Always.

Butch:

Man, how did we get here before noon? I played! I did a big story mission!

But it’s hot. There’s kids. It seems so long until school……

Feminina:

You’re right. We need to get back on track. At least for a while.

So…uh…after Attika, which of the leads are you going to follow up on? I think I’m going to go to Keos, because I have an ainigmata ostraka clue that leads me there and I actually haven’t already been. Might as well multitask, right?

Also, do you think we’re actually going to get different information at each location, or do we just have to follow up on all three leads to learn the same thing, like with the Dagger and the identity of the Kingfisher?

Here’s hoping it’s the former.

Butch:

Man, I hope so, too. Maybe it’ll be we only have to do one….

…nah.

I dunno, man. See, you’re level, what, 97 or so, and I just hit level 20 (yet another way to liven up a party: start emitting flashes of golden light while strings play), so I was going to pick whatever was easiest. That said, as things level up with you, you have no way of knowing which that is. I have no objection to Keos so long as I don’t meet some, what, level 95 llamas on the beach who make the boars look wimpy.

Feminina:

I just hit level 30 last night! It was magnificent. The music, the golden light…and yeah, last time I leveled was at the party! That was where I swear these two guys talking in the background looked startled and threw up their hands to block the sudden radiance. Although they were having an animated conversation anyway, so it could have been a coincidence.

If you were just in Korinth and it was overpowered for you, maybe Keos is the place to go! Although maybe not, because I haven’t been there yet. What was the other place? Logically, one of them must be around level 20, because it would be kind of odd of the game to say “the main story leads here!–to these several places you can’t go yet.”

If the main story only led to one place, sure. We have many times had the experience of needing to go do sidequests and level up until we were tough enough to follow the main story. But when they give you not one but three options, thus guaranteeing you’re going to be busy for a while following up on them all (because like you, I find the idea that maybe we only have to do one of them and then we’ll be done to be implausible), you’d think at least one of them ought to be one you could follow up on right then.

Of course, that’s human logic, not game logic, so what do I know?

Butch:

Well, I think, but I’m not sure, that Korinth’s helpful level guide was like 18-23 or something. Maybe I just landed in the hardest part of Korinth. Maybe. Maybe there are parts of Korinth I can handle. If I can get past the llamas.

I’ll check tonight. But I’m sure as hell not ready for any of those 24-28 parts.

Feminina:

Come with me to Keos! Minimum recommended level 17, according to the internet.

It’s gonna be great.

Butch:

Keos ahoy!

Now watch: for the next three weeks I’ll be all “uh, you in keos yet?” And you’ll be all “how should I know? Oooooo! Cave!!!!”

Feminina:

Too true. After all, I have to go find this guy in a quarry for Kleon, and who knows where I’ll end up from there.

Butch:

Plans femmy. You know how they go.

Feminina:

How well I know. Just watch, neither one of us is going to set foot on Keos for months.

Did I mention I went back to the volcano island? Killed some bandits or cult members or whoever was there. Got some loot. Good times.

Butch:

No! Did you magpie there or did you have a reason?

We probably won’t even find Keos on the map for months.

Feminina:

Pure magpie. I was thinking “you know where I haven’t finished a question mark? That volcano!” Went in, murdered and looted, got out. There wasn’t a lot of story there.

So I saw that one of the cultists who is masked had a quarry and a slave business in Attika. “I’m in Attika,” thought I, “and hey, looky, a quarry!” So I cleared out the quarry. The WHOLE THING. It took a while. And what did I find? No cultist clue. Nope.

So I trucked up to explore more of Attika, looking for a slave market. Didn’t find it, but did find Heitor, who wanted a) his sword back and b) me to rescue his friend (who I thought/hoped was in a slave market, but no). Did all that. But that, too, took a while, so that’s all I did. Still didn’t find the cultist clue.

How on EARTH are you so far ahead if you’re clearing out everything? Clearing out things takes TIME, man!

Anyway, you do the Heitor stuff? I have thoughts.

Feminina:

Attika? Dude, I’m running around cleaning up Athens proper, I’ve had no time for Attika yet!

I was just about to leave the city walls and go kill those Spartan leaders Kleon wants us to kill, and that will take me out into Attika, but at the moment everything I’ve done in that territory has been in the city.

As a result, I have never met Heitor and don’t know anything about him. Sorry.

Clearing out things does take time, it’s true. I’ve gotten to the point that wherever possible I do the bare minimum of the location requirements. Like, if it says I have to kill 1 captain and loot 2 treasures, I try to loot the treasures without alerting anyone, kill the captain, and then run off. Sticking around to kill everyone else just eats into my day, man!

Of course, often this type of elegant, targeted strike is not possible and I have to kill a dozen other people too. I keep yelling at them “I just want to kill your captain, leave me alone and I’ll be on my way!” but somehow they don’t seem to be moved. Loyalty. Fah.

Butch:

So you went and did all these territories you weren’t supposed to do and ignored the place you were supposed to be?

Of course you did. You’re you.

Feminina:

The place I was supposed to be? You mean…Athens? The place I am no longer ignoring?

Old news, man. Me going to a bunch of places that aren’t Athens is so two days ago.

Butch:

Attika is that bit all around Athens…that’s right there….nowhere near korinth….

Right there. With quests.

You blew by shit that was right there to go do shit that wasn’t right there.

That’s so you.

Feminina:

Old. News.

Anyway, I blew by it because I specifically had to LEAVE Attika to take that dude to the fishing village on that random island, which I did because it was Perikles’ mission and I was trying to stay on task for once. But then once I wasn’t in Athens anymore, it was as easy to go back to Korinth as anywhere, especially when I had ainigmata ostraka clues to hunt there.

Butch:

Ah I see. You’re gonna blame Perikles. Sure sure.

Feminina:

Gotta blame someone. And to be fair, he IS the one who sent me on a quest that took me out of Athens and Attika before I had a chance to check out all the question marks. If I hadn’t been following his quest and ended up somewhere else, I would certainly have magpied all over Athens, because that’s how I do.

It’s not like I land in a place full of question marks and think “yawn…gonna go check out some other place full of question marks.” Surely you must agree that that is not how the magpie works.

No, if I hadn’t been trying to finish Perikles’ quest, I would have stuck around Attika chasing random question marks for a week. My real mistake was trying to actually follow up on a quest INSTEAD of magpieing. If I’d ignored that quest and stayed in Athens, I would have cleared the question marks from the entire region by now.

Perikles’ fault.

Butch:

True. The magpie may be irrational, but it is very methodical.

In other news, my laptop is totally fucked up.

Feminina:

Good thing you play games on the PS4!

I mean, it’s still rough on the blog if you don’t have access to a keyboard, but at least you can still play.

Butch:

Except if I have to get a new one I’ll be tempted to get one….you know….so fancy…so pretty….

Feminina:

No! Get a slow, ugly one. Fight it!

Remember how little time there is in the world. Think about how badly you need booze money.

Slow, ugly computers are fine for boring work stuff. Which is all you need to do on a computer.

Butch:

Right. Right. But I’ve never bought a pc for myself that wasn’t for…you know. This one I bought for Mrs mcp! I look at the specs and just blip over the slow ugly ones! I can’t help it!

But this one is finally updating. Maybe it isn’t dead.

New ones are so fancy….

Feminina:

Fancy ones are the devil! Look away!

Maybe this one is OK. Fingers crossed you can breathe a little more life into it.

Butch:

I think….there’s hope…..maybe.

Feminina:

Yay! Hang in there, good ol’ Slow and Ugly! Don’t make Butch have to replace you.

Don’t have much cuz my soul got crushed, as it does, but I did play some. Spent FOREVER trying to get into a silver mine to get a cultist clue (no cover, long mine, unfair), found out he was level 22 and I’m not (more on that in a second), did a timed quest (that, too), discovered a bunch of places, and killed a really tricky cultist and his friends.

Here’s what I wanna talk about: XP. I wanna talk about XP.

XP, I believe came about in D&D, right? They were supposed to represent your character gaining EXPERIENCE. Knowledge. Skills. You earned the points for doing things that meant your character was learning stuff about the world, getting better with swords and hammers and spells with practice, working towards the next level by learning, practicing and growing. Right? That was the point.

Games took that and ran, and fine. It’s a good system! It explains why a character has more skills now than before: Because that character learned by practicing and doing stuff over time.

Which brings us to this game, that obviously doesn’t understand what XP are and has no idea why it’s giving them out.

So see above what I did. The silver mine hard. It needed stealth, combat, and special abilities. You know, the stuff Kassandra has to practice to get better. Lots of question marks? She’s learning about the world. The Cultist? Both practice and learning about the cult. These are EXPERIENCE. But each thing? A hundred. Couple hundred. 900 for clearing the mine. 1200 for killing the cultist.

And then the timed quest, for which I got 3200 3200! Must’ve been hard, you say. Well, here’s what I had to do: give a lady 50 drachmae. That was it. And for that, 3200 XP.

Now, I’m happy to have the XP. I am. I need them, as I am way behind you. I feel I earned a fair amount of XP for the stuff I did in the playing session, when you total it all up. But I should’ve gotten far more for doing the stuff that got Kassandra relevant experience and far less for just giving someone some money. What experience did that give her? How did that teach her anything that she’d need to learn more stuff?

I sorta feel games have forgotten that XP are really EP. When they do that, they stop making any sense. Skill progression stops making any sense. And, while I accept the story of AC makes no sense, at least the skill progression should.

And how they’re handing out XP does not.

In other news, my hotmail side ad is for a hemodyalsis machine. Seriously.

I’m with you–the XP on some of those little timed quests is completely disproportionate to any kind of effort required. Unless you learned that helping people is good, and that helps Kassandra grow as a person? Grow A LOT? But man, that’s a stretch. In reality, it’s obviously just a quick way to let people boost their progress towards the next level.

“Here’s 50 bucks, gimme more HP and damage please!”

I did play! I even went back to Athens and talked to Perikles! Only partly to prove you wrong because you bet I wouldn’t. I was probably about to get around to it anyway.

Major story event! Romance! Fancy dress ball! And guess where I need to go now?

That’s right: Korinthia. The very place I just spent 20 hours clearing of question marks while avoiding a return to Athens. (Incidentally, Perikles made some dry comment about how it was nice I’d finally made it back. I don’t know if he always says that, or if it’s actually based on the amount of time you spend doing random other stuff before you go see him again, but it was kind of great. I recommend you hurry back ASAP and see if he says it to you!)

Anyway, no worries, now Korinthia is all neat and tidy and I can focus on the mission!

My sidebar ad is for the NYT. At least it’s not hemodialysis!

Butch:

Still not as good as Victoria’s Secret.

I dunno. I think it undermines what XP are for. XP are for making progression make sense. And it isn’t necessarily the timed quests themselves. There was one where I had to kill a bigassed bear. That I don’t mind the XP. Killing bigassed bears is good practice for fighting things. THAT deserves XP.

But XP is really a way that RPGs try to use stats to replicate real life as well as RPGs can, and I say this going back to pen and paper D&D. Whether it’s that, or skill checks, or the wealth system in D20 Modern, the whole point of stats is to make the game make some sort of realistic sense, as much as that is possible. When you abandon that for…no real reason…then not only is the player confused as to what to do next, you get rid of the small bit of realism that the stat was there to provide. Games should be working towards some sort of immersive realism, not backing away from it.

Re: Korinthia I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU!

Dude, why magpie when you’re going there anyway?

Ok, fuck it. I have one more cultist clue to track down in Attika, I will do that, then off to Perikles. That’ll give me a level or two. If not, I’ll do a timed quest or two where I have to pet a dog or eat a sandwich and I’ll be fine.

Feminina:

Enh, it’s fine. I was going to get to all those question marks in Korinthia at some point anyway, right? What difference does it make it if I do it now or later?

I magpie BECAUSE I know I’ll be going there anyway, and I want to be prepared when I do.

And you’re right, huge XP awards for no effort do contradict the stated meaning of XP within the game. If we get rewarded more for handing someone 50 drachmae than for actually using all the skills we’ve been working on, what does that reward even mean? Should we be spending ALL our time on the tiny side quests, since that’s what the game values?

I was in a conversational setting last night when I happened to fulfill an objective that put me over the top to 29. It was funny to be standing in the middle of a group when suddenly the soaring triumphant chords sounded and the golden light suffused me… I swear some people nearby started back in astonishment and made as if to cover their eyes, and although it was probably just part of their conversation animation, I thought it was pretty amusing.

Butch:

HA! That is pretty great. Though it reminds me of another complaint with this game and, frankly, lots of others.

There’ll be times you finish a quest or level or both and the triumphant chords happen and all the other sound effect at the very time Kassandra is saying something about what just happened and/or what’s gonna happen next. Like, game, seriously. You KNOW there’s gonna be sound after a quest. Do not make her talk then. Have her wait five seconds.

This happens ALL THE TIME.

Feminina:

YES! That is true. Stop doing that, games! Level-up effects need to force an auto-pause on all other activity! Either that, or they can wait until you’re actually ready to deal with them. Some games just tell you “hey you leveled up!” with a discreet ping or something. Which is not nearly as exciting as the chords and the golden light, I grant you, but no one wants to miss out on dialogue for that!

I do appreciate the games that will let you level up mid-combat and heal you at the same time. I’ve had some happy instances of being almost dead until I happened to strike the blow that did it, and then I was full health AND stronger, and that saved the battle.

It is a very artificial measure, though. It’s pretty well baked into games now, and I understand why, and it obviously serves a very important purpose in game progression and character development. I don’t object to it. But it’s artificial and takes you out of the game to some extent, however they do it.

More so, though, when there’s not even any internal logic to what it is you’re getting rewarded for.

I haven’t leveled during combat yet. Each time it’s at the end of a quest and, it seems, each time I miss something.

You probably miss her saying “Why the fuck am I here? I’m going to have to come here later.”

Feminina:

I actually think it’s kind of funny that they yell at me to slow down if I’m too busy hopping around looting in the area while they’re talking. Sure, I already know I should, but if I don’t, I don’t mind them pointing it out.

I think I miss her saying “excellent, another question mark I won’t have to come deal with later!”

Butch:

No, when Kassandra yells it. On the boat.

Herodotus: Have I told you about this place that will be crucially important to the story later?Kassandra: You have not my friend. Please do.Herodotus: It all began long ago, when the old ones-Kassandra: SLOW DOWN! OARS!Herodotus: ****silence****Kassandra: You were saying?Herodotus: Sorry. The developers only let me say it once, as a set piece.Kassandra: Seriously? That was important!Herodotus: You were the one that slowed down.Kassandra: There were boats that could’ve been pirates! C’mon, one more chance.Herodotus: Fine. Fine. I suppose. Long ago, there were crucially important-Kassandra: FULL SAIL! SING SHANTIES!Herodotus: Man, fuck this.

Feminina:

Oh, right! Yeah, she needs to keep out of her own conversations sometimes. I haven’t been on the ship in a while, to be honest, so I’d forgotten that little quirk.

RDR2, to its credit, handled dialogue during travel pretty well. I remember sometimes I’d outrun someone and start shooting at a deer or whatever and they’d just break off and then pick up the thread once we were riding close together again. “Anyway, as I was saying, this oaf wandered out to California…”

Butch:

Yeah, that made sense. But shit, in this game, it isn’t even they talk over each other. Even the subtitles just say “More oars!” or some shit. Herodotus is lost to time. And dialog.

Feminina:

Not helpful, subtitles! Be more informative!

I mean, unless it’s all a clever plan to make us think there’s more story than there actually is. Maybe it’s intentional!

“And so the one piece of information that makes this whole thing make sense is–”

“MORE OARS! And good point, Herodotus. That DOES make perfect sense!”

“All those people complaining about the bizarre twists just need to understand–”

“SAILS! SAILS UP! Very true, my friend. Once they know that one weird trick, it all becomes clear AND they can melt belly fat with no effort!”

Butch:

That would make sense….

Can’t tell which is worse, just cutting off subtitles, or what Shadow of the TR did, which threw every damn word ANYONE said into the subtitles. You’d be walking though Paititi, and EVERY NPC saying anything would pop up. Like, five, six lines at a time, most of them not in English, all in different colors. Somewhere in there was plot….I think.

Again, maybe that was a smokescreen, too.

Feminina:

We may be underestimating the sneakiness of the writers. Because you know what’s easier than crafting a consistent, compelling narrative over multiple installments composed of large, complex games?

NOT doing that. And then using subtle tricks to suggest the existence of such a narrative in ways that make players blame mechanics for not catching the details, rather than noting the absence of the details themselves.

Butch:

We’re so onto them.

“Hey, let’s just mumble and then put a bunch of gibberish over it! We can say the gibberish is Greek! Like anyone speaks Greek. No one will know!”

Spoilers for the quest with the love potion and the witch in AC: Odyssey. Plus a glancing, vague spoiler for a quest in the Witcher 3, and for a possible entanglement in Fallout New Vegas.

Butch:

So I’ve pointed out some flaws in this game (as one does), but I haven’t been pissed off at it, really. Not often. Today, I am pissed off at it.

So yesterday got the dude out of Athens. Sailed to the island. Ok. Cool. Noticed (as did you) the question marks! This was also cool. After all, I’m of the opinion that games guide you some. If the game actively moves you away from something and plops you near something else, it likely wants you to do that particular something else. You show up and there are question marks and side quests, the game is nudging you that way.

So I let myself be nudged. Explored, did one of those ostraka whatevers (won’t spell it. Won’t.) Looted some. Went in a mine. So far, so good.

Then did the quest where there was a rich guy and a woman who wanted a love potion and a witch. THAT’S what pissed me off.

I won’t spoil if you haven’t done it, but, if you have, allow me to rant. May I rant?

Feminina:

I did that quest with the love potion and the witch! It was…weird.

You rant.

Butch:

OK, here goes.

Seriously, muscles, why so angry? Yes, I didn’t go to the track for a while, but I’m going now and hurting this much is just mean. I’m trying here!

Oh, wait, sorry. Wrong rant.

OK, so I didn’t have a problem with the quest, per se. Pretty straight forward fetch quest, not unfair, good variety, fine. My gripe is in the way it ended. Not the twist, the mechanics.

This game has done a pretty good job of sticking to classic RPG elements. There’s a good amount of choice. Choices seem to matter. The two times we did different things (the plague, banging the blacksmith) we got wildly different results. That’s cool. We can assume that, had we done more things differently, we’d have had similar drastically different results. Cool. An RPG should work that way. You should be able to do things in character and have those things matter.

This quest screwed the pooch on that in a mildly annoying way and an infuriating way.

Annoying way: I didn’t want to fight the witch. I wanted it to be none of my business. I picked “Guards! There’s a witch!” Let them sort it out. I’m not from here. She attacked me anyway. Now, ok, fine. NPCs have minds of their own, which is why I’m only mildly annoyed. But if you give a player a “Fight” icon, that should be what picks the fight. But, ok, NPC with a mind of her own.

Infuriating way: Once that fight started, everyone was right there, in the middle of everything, at night, dressed the same. There was pretty much no earthly way, in the moment, NOT to kill people other than the witch. I think I even killed the poor victim of the witch. By instantly poofing out of the cutscene to that, it made it impossible to avoid things Kassandra would NEVER do in character. I, and her, would NOT have attacked/hurt/killed anyone BUT the witch, but, in gameplay terms, that was pretty much impossible unless you just stood there letting the witch hit you, or you ran away (in which case, the witch would’ve likely killed the victim) which is ALSO something Kassandra wouldn’t have done. At that moment, due to a fiat of gameplay, it was pretty much impossible to stay in character.

And before I hear the voice of Mr. O, in his DM role, being all “Hey, shit happens,” no. In D&D, even in a crowd, you can pick who you attack or not. Sure, if you chuck a fireball and there’s collateral damage, then it’s on you, but with swords, this wouldn’t have happened and we’d’ve stayed in character.

So this isn’t just “I wanted her to live and she didn’t.” This was I couldn’t do what Kassandra would’ve done due to game design. That’s infuriating, especially in a game that’s done so well with RPG elements so far.

Feminina:

Ooh, that’s interesting!

Because I picked the “suck it up lady, the witch won” option, no one attacked anyone, and I sauntered off feeling kind of like a jerk but at least not having killed anybody I didn’t mean to.

I did feel like a jerk, though. Because Kassandra was all, “yeah, also you owe me some money for getting those ingredients for this spell you were tricked into ordering that totally didn’t work and made your hair fall out” which seemed like…adding injury to insult, perhaps. I mean, the poor lady was rejected by the (no doubt shallow, but rich) dude she wanted, and she had no hair! Surely she’s suffered enough!

But apparently she hadn’t. And don’t call Kassandra Shirley.

At least she survived. And honestly, the shallow rich dude and the conniving witch probably deserve each other.

It was an interesting quest, though. I kind of wanted to be optimistic about the end, like “that poor lady will regrow her hair and learn from this mistake and focus more on choosing her friends wisely and finding a husband of good character instead of one who’s just rich and sees only her lack of hair (or perhaps her frantic desperation to attract his attention and money).”

But on the other hand, in the old days when women’s livelihoods mainly depended on the men they belonged to, her desperation to attract a rich man is not that far from being a matter of life and death. If she can’t find a husband with means, who will support her? Being apparently well-off herself, she probably has no marketable skills, so if she remains unmarried, what does she do when her father inevitably dies? It’s all an amusing romantic farce, except that it’s deadly serious for these women.

Maybe she’s actually better off in your game, peacefully dead.

Butch:

Peacefully, perhaps, but I was aiming for a combination of the two, and wound up with the game, if not forcing me to kill her, making it very hard for me not to, which is what pissed me off. THAT sucked.

The last word I got was the rich guy saying “So she was a witch…..that explains a lot.”

So take that as you will.

What’s annoying is that there were so many work arounds that games do all the time to prevent you from killing an NPC you obviously had no desire to kill. NPCs often run away at the end of cutscenes, or somehow become impervious to your blows all the time in games. They could have let me stay in character.

Grumble.

Feminina:

Maybe the moral is, “never involve the police in anything.”

Seriously, man. You know better. You’re an assassin! Do your killing yourself, or not at all.

Butch:

Well, I ended up doing just that. Unintentionally.

But you know what else was a little off about that quest? Unlike Supideo, got a sense rather early that something was amiss. Didn’t know the witch was trying to get the guy, but still thought “Wait…..just….wait…” There could’ve been, maybe should’ve been, a way to say to the victim there “Uh, hey….maybe….”

But maybe, like Supideo, that would’ve been tipping their hand.

Speaking of Supideo, been a while since we’ve seen themes, hasn’t it? I just did three story quests and a side quest and, while I don’t have any gripe about the gameplay (save the end of the last one there), not a lot going on themewise. It’s funny; we get to Athens, seat of great thought, and things to think about dry up.

Feminina:

Enh. It didn’t seem any weirder to me than picking flowers for the blacksmith. People want weird things for weird reasons. Who am I to judge, as long as they’re willing to pay me for it?

When you think about it, there’s very rarely any option in games to reason with the person giving you a quest.

“Look, man, do you REALLY need your great-grandfather’s handaxe? I mean, really NEED it? That particular one? Because you could get a perfectly good, sharp, unrusted new one in town today that wouldn’t require paying a premium to have someone risk their life in a goblin-infested mine. Save your money! Just saying.”

It’s pretty much always just a matter of accept it, or not. (Or accept it and then don’t do it.) Although talking people out of paying you to do stuff would be an interesting option, if you really thought they were making a mistake. Maybe you could get a lot of XP and Paragon points in exchange for missing out on a payday.

But then, too, what do I know? Maybe that handaxe is magic! Maybe that potion worked! I don’t know until I get the thing and someone else tries it.

All the good thoughts in Athens have already been thought. The game doesn’t want us assuming we have anything to add to that historic discourse.

Butch:

I dunno, though. I feel like there have been some quests in other games (I wish I could remember, but this has not been a good week for my memory) where, somewhere in the middle, you hit a crossroads. You could have someone be all “I know what that really is….if you use roses or some shit, she’ll get prettier instead….” and you have to make a choice. Something.

The closest thing my addled brain can come up with was “Possession,” from TW3 way back when. This was the one with the guilt monster, and there was a choice, smack in the middle, where Cerys rushes in and tells you to throw a baby in the oven. You had a choice to do it, or to say “hell no,” and the quest played out differently then. It was very late in the quest. A crossroads. Not just a “Oh, NPC says so, so ok.”

There can be some complexities, sometimes.

Feminina:

Oh man, yeah. Throwing the baby in the oven. THAT was a thing.

But even that was kind of the final step of the thing. Do you or do you not trust the person who says they can defeat the monster?

Just like the final step of this quest here was “do you or do you not let the witch get away with what was, at the very least, blatant false advertising?”

It’s not as if earlier on in the story Geralt had the option to say to the person who hired him “you know, maybe the guilt monster is in the right here, have you ever thought about that? You should probably just give up and try to make peace with your fate. Have you considered religion?”

There can be complexities, but they’re rare, and they’re not usually along the lines of convincing the person who hired you that they actually want something other than what they hired you for.

I could see Fallout doing that, with different levels of success based on your charisma, maybe. There was that quest where you could go back to the person who hired you and lie and say you couldn’t find the thing they sent you for. Which is not the same thing, but it’s close-ish.

Butch:

True, that was kinda sorta at the end. But still, mixed things up.

All too rare, really, the chance to mix things up after you’ve learned something about the quest/quest giver. Maybe it’s just too much to program.

Feminina:

Yeah, the more complications you add, the more work someone has to do to account for the different outcomes. Way easier to just have a quest that goes “find me x” > go find x > return to quest giver > receive result.

One thing I will say in terms of the quests that do have choices: we’re doing an astonishing number of things differently, which is nice in terms of giving us the chance to talk about what was different.

Not everything, by any means, but more than zero things. And considering zero is roughly the expected number of things for us to do differently (not counting romance), this is interesting. I wonder why this game, particularly?

Really, only two, as I didn’t bang the blacksmith because I have standards, which has always been a difference between us.

OK, that came out a bit more judgy than I meant it.

Feminina:

When the expected number is zero, three is a lot! Or even two! Because it’s true, the blacksmith was basically a ‘romance’ choice, which I did acknowledge is an area in which we often take different approaches.

Judge all you want. I won’t apologize for the simple fact that everyone must looooooove meeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Anyway, the blacksmith was a perfectly nice guy. Perhaps not as passionate as Sexy Grandma, but then, few are.

Butch:

She was even passionate enough to sway me. Which is saying something. Cuz….I still feel a little dirty.

Feminina:

Given that I once slept with the guy who shot me and left me for dead in a shallow grave, I’d feel dirty if I DIDN’T sleep with a passionate older woman.

So….uh….the hipsters are assassins…but some of them have defected from Abstergo, who are Templars? Or not? And there’s a Japanese guy who’s….badass? I guess? And some of them are just in it for the science? And the spear is the tech of these “old ones” who lifted up humanity and are probably the Greek gods, or, at least, the things revered as Greek Gods? So we get into the whole “What are gods, anyway?” theme? Or something?

What am I doing, I can’t do themes right now. I don’t even know what the fuck just happened.

But the hipsters aren’t really into the whole templar/assassin thing, they just want the Isu (Isu, I guess, is the old ones and the gods and all that shit) tech? Or something? But they’re afraid Abstergo’s gonna attack them because…..what, Templars?

Ah, Femmy. Remember the days when we were all “Maybe they’re getting away from the weird for good?” Those days? Good days.

Now I’m reading about an eye that killed Desmond (that I recognized from early games) and Egypt (that was the last one?) and Australia (no idea) and a whole lot of other stuff that other people went “WHOA” about, I’m sure.

So much for getting away from the weird.

But I did note, upon returning, that she was all “You’re gonna be in there a while….” So, what? The game’s all “We’re gonna dump ALL this here shit on you then ignore it for another thirty hours?”

What?

WHAT??????

I’m so confused.

And then! Then! I went back to Greece, toodled around some, found some level 45….thing…that was in a “legendary beast” lair or some shit. We have to fight beasts? LEGENDARY beasts?????

So then I just killed a level 16 cultists while she was sleeping (not very sporting) just to do something normal.

I’m so confused.

Feminina:

Hahahahaha!!!! I know!!! It’s so great! I sure was wrong about “maybe they’re backing away from the aliens and the weirdness,” all right!

I’m kind of psyched. BRING ON THE ALIEN WEIRDNESS.

Welcome to AC the way we used to know it, man! Confusing as all hell. I feel so at home.

It briefly covers what happened in the last game to bring us up to date on what’s going on in the ‘real world’ in this one. I believe those are the references to Egypt. Australia, I don’t know, maybe that was the game before.

You may also enjoy the recommended related article https://www.polygon.com/2018/10/2/17926100/assassins-creed-odyssey-animus. That dude makes some fair points arguing that it’s time to get rid of the Animus and the modern-day story entirely. Even speaking as one of the 10 people who actually kind of likes that stuff…he makes some good points. And I wonder if maybe they’re not edging in that direction with this whole bit in Layla’s emails about the “world as a simulation” idea.

Maybe at some point there will be a big reveal: this WHOLE UNIVERSE is actually a big game being played by…YOU! [Ponderous turn of the camera towards the player’s own face. DUN DUN DUN. Honestly, they’re probably just waiting until everyone has the technology to do that reveal.]

Because at that point, they could indeed just get rid of the Animus and the modern day storyline. It’s over, we know this is just a game, so from now on we’re just going to load it up and dive right into whatever lovely environment has been crafted as our killing field this go-round.

But in the meantime…enjoy the bafflement.

Butch:

Oh HELL no.

I read the polygon thing and I am still confused.

There’s no assassins in Greece cuz they were founded later? So…isn’t this ASSASSIN’S Creed?

And yeah! We’re ALL a simulation!

I do not enjoy the bafflement! We blog on themes and narrative and all that shit! It’s hard to think deeply about something when it hurts your brain to think about it at all!

I think that’s a T SHIRT!!!!! but I’m too confused to know for sure!

But let me get this straight…..the early AC games were, like, the first games you played, right? Except DAO?

You did this nonsense and said “Yes. YES! THIS is the hobby for me?”

I’m glad you said that, but dude. Dude.

Feminina:

Dude, we already knew this was pre-Assassins! We knew the Brotherhood of Assassins wasn’t founded until closer to the time of the Crusades, when the Templar/Assassin conflict really got underway. This is proto-Assassin/proto-Templar and we knew that and I’m fine with it.

And yes, AC2 was about the third game I played, and I thought it was great. Mostly, to be fair, I thought the in-Animus sections were great, because they were SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL. And the gameplay was also great.

But the modern-day story was weirdly intriguing as well, and it bled into the game in interesting ways that no longer apply. There were, like, barcodes on buildings that you would scan to see flashbacks to alien/god stuff from prehistory and…you probably had to be there. But it was cool.

Did I mention I was constantly stoned in those days?

(Not really. But that might be a good explanation.)

Also, always remember: modernity is about .5% of your playtime.

Even if I’d always hated that part of the games, I could (would) still have loved AC for its phenomenally detailed cityscapes and the opportunity to climb around on cathedrals in Renaissance Florence.

And the assassinating. Never forget the stealthy murdering.

Butch:

Dude, didn’t you read that link? So and so founded the Assassins in Egypt in the last game!

Being stoned would explain quite a bit.

I can see why you loved DAO, what with the romancing dudes in armor. But AC? Where were the brooding dudes?

Let’s face it: It wasn’t the graphics or the gameplay or the story. It was the question marks.

It’s where you discovered your magpie. And, let’s face it, your magpie is very important to you.

Feminina:

No, that thing founded in Egypt was ALSO a proto-Assassin group! Apparently called “the Hidden Ones.” The Order of Assassins proper was, I believe, still founded in the 11th century. Undoubtedly building on the foundations of various proto-Assassin groups from which the Assassins proper learned all their cool tricks.

Let’s not go confusing things here.

Ha.

AC did always suffer from a tragic lack of romance. Siiiiigh. But the climbing and sneaking and murdering made up for it. I loved those games so much.

Butch:

Are you hearing yourself? Are you reading the words you are typing trying to explain this game? This series? I’m glad we are separated by email, because, right now, the crazed gleam you likely have in your eye would terrify me. Serious “I should change subway seats to get away from this weirdo” gleam.

Feminina:

You had to be there, man.

You just had to be there. It was a different time. And Renaissance Florence was so very beautiful.

Butch:

That’s better. Be calm. Calm yourself.

It’s funny, I’ve been blogging with you a long time, and I’ve known you far longer, and you really only get that half crazed zeal when you’re talking about AC.

And you were doing so well avoiding it thus far! Playing the game calmly, having themey discussions when themes actually presented themselves, that sort of thing.

Then, one hipster scene and BOOM.

It wasn’t even in Florence, dude! It was in some dingy apartment…or something.

So confusing that I don’t even know what it was!

Feminina:

Yeah, I don’t know where that was. Some half-furnished space in a rainy city somewhere.

It hardly matters, does it? They know that’s not why we’re here. We’re here for the Animus (later to be revealed as the PS12).

We’re here for the game.

Butch:

I hope that’s not the PS12! Hard enough to game in peace without Québécois hipsters trying to kill me.

Feminina:

We’ve seen the future! And it isn’t pretty.

Butch:

Tell me about it. About to pick up the kids.

Feminina:

We are so going to rejoice when they finally impale us on spikes and move on with their adult lives.

Butch:

No more making dinner…doing dishes…socks on the floor….

Bring the spikes.

Feminina:

Outlook suggests:

“OK.”
“OK, thanks.”
“OK, I will.”

Good to know our email is fully behind this project.

Butch:

Given the general tone of our daily banter, I’m sure hotmail wants to be rid of us, too.

Dude….I forgot how mighty your magpie is. Like, damn, Femmy. You ever actually meet Kassandra she’ll be all “This is Ikaros, for I am the eagle bearer!” and you’ll be all “Yeah? Check out MY bird!” and she’ll run for the hills.

I say this because here’s what I did last night:

I went and talked to Herede oh fuck I can’t spell all this Greek shit. That guy. Herodetus. Whatever.

Shit. Happened.

We wanted shit to get weird? Shit got weird.

But anyway, after some plot, he’s all “And now we must sail for [place].” [Place] isn’t a spoiler, I just forget where. I DO remember it was 6400 units of distance away. That’s far! There’s a lot between Thermopolye (FUCK GREEK SPELLING) and there. But I got in my ship and started sailing. I figured, if I saw some stuff on shore, especially viewpoints, get off, sync them so I can come back yadda yadda. After a damn WHILE I find this place….this salty place….

“No way….” thought I.

Found a little town. Found a viewpoint. Found….a SALTY BEAR CAVE! Said “NO WAY!” and saved. It was late.

But Femmy….Femmy….How in the seven Holy Roman Hells did you get THERE???????

(You’d’ve found it if you followed the story, you know. There’s even a side quest!)

Feminina:

The magpie is strong in me, it’s true. I got there overland, just by chasing question marks. Climbing up and down giant cliffs. As one does. I specifically went to the Salty location because I wanted to sync that viewpoint so I’d have a way to get back there later to check out all the question marks I didn’t get that time around.

Viewpoints are far between! I wanted the fast travel!

I went to talk to Herodotus also, but saved and went to bed right before speaking to him. So I’ll get there next. I was going to get to him sooner, but there was that semi-retired old friend of Kassandra’s who needed his sapphires back, and I’d already cleared out that fort, so I headed back to help him out.

Turned out the fort was fully restocked with soldiers and war supplies and loot and everything, but it wasn’t an ‘objective’ to do anything about it, so I just left them alone. Crept in, got the loot, ran out again.

And that’s why it can be useful to have been to a place before a quest sends you there. Anyway, I’ll totally talk to Herodotus soon. Definitely.

Haven’t met any nice doctors, though. But if you go down to the village by the salt mines, there’s the quest with the blacksmith I mentioned.

Butch:

You are truly Femmy the Magpie bearer. I am so proud to be your friend.

Viewpoints are pretty worth it.

I remember that retired guy! Liked him. Did the same “get in, get out” deal to get the jewels.

I always feel bad when I do that cuz there’s always like, one Kevin that gets killed. Poor guy. I’m sure he’s always all “You couldn’t have just avoided me, too?”

So how’d you get to Herodotus (which I can now spell cuz you did and kinda fuck you you show off)? Cuz I found this cave that appeared to go through the mountain there, and Kassandra was all “I feel like a traitor, too, using this,” so it had dialog, which means I was supposed to be there. I died quickly. Often. Often died quickly. Quickly died often. Got to the point where I said “Man, fuck this. I’m just going to take forever to climb over this shit,” so I did. So I never went through the cave. Did you? Did I miss something?

Dude, he’s right there, right? Talk to him! There’s plot. And you get to sail towards so very many more question marks!

Ah, the blacksmith: that’s what that quest is. I was going to do that next.

The doctor is now rather far away from you. He’s back near that shore village, to the west of you. You can get to him if you fast travel back towards the main city there, Valley of Apollo. Kinda worth it. Themey quest. Should be on your map.

Feminina:

I know how to spell Herodotus because in my head I always secretly pronounce it ‘hero-dote-us’ the same as I did when I first encountered the name at 15 or whatever.

Well, it was a secret until now, anyway. Keep it to yourself and the entire internet, all right?

Although actually the GAME spells it Herodotos, which is maybe a closer transliteration of the ancient Greek, or maybe they just wanted to mess with us. But Herodotus is more traditional, so I’m going with that because I don’t need to retrain myself with a different spelling and then misspell it in every other context for the rest of my life.

Anything else in this game that I spell correctly is solely because I type my best guess into Google and wait for it to auto-suggest the right word. Thanks, Google! Saving me from my inability to remember how to spell anything.

Including Odyssey, although I’ve typed that enough times now that I actually do remember it.

Anyway, I encountered good old Hero-dote-us by returning to Delphi where we first met. He was just standing around there. I don’t know anything about a spooky cave where I could have quickly died often–I must have bypassed that entirely. Too busy looking at different question marks, I guess.

Do the salt village quest, it’s kind of interesting. Odd, but interesting. I’ll try to get back to the doctor, but first I’ve got to talk to Herodotus at the monument to the fallen Leonidas at Thermopylae. Where I’ve already been when I murdered some bandits there earlier, so I’m sure it’ll be great.

Butch:

Oh ok. We’re one hero dote us talk off. The cave deal is to get to Thermopylae.

Spoiler: between where you are and hero dote us, there is a big fucking cave with a whole mess of Kevin.

Actually, if you take the long way, you’re pretty close to the doctor! Look west.

Feminina:

Oh, I misunderstood: I was actually, literally standing in front of Herodotus when I saved and went to bed. RDR2 got me all paranoid about talking to people when I didn’t have time to do their quests.

So I have already taken probably the same long(-ish) way you did to get to him, which in my case was climbing right over an entire mountain and down a series of cliffs.

I must have missed the cave full of Kevin. I’ll go back someday. Maybe there will be a quest about it.

Butch:

Oh so you’re at Thermopylae?

Feminina:

Yes indeed! Just leaped off a cliff into a pool and wandered over towards Herodotus, muttering to myself “it’s said that whoever walks this ground still gets blood on their feet” or some thoughtful reference to the horrific battle that took place there back during the prologue.

Then stopped. Because I didn’t want to talk to him and get sucked directly into a mission that would have me riding a horse across the entire map for 30 minutes and getting into a bar fight with no save points while trying to haul a bounty to the sherrif.

Even though this game is MUCH friendlier with its saves. I like how you can even murder some people, run outside the ‘active area’ to hide and save, and then run back into battle. Good times.

No quest. But a pretty lengthy cutscene. Might want to turn on the subtitles before you chat with him.

Feminina:

Noted. It was getting late, so a long cutscene is also a good reason to have quit first. I’ll go back to it when I’m refreshed and ready to tackle the story. It’s gonna be great.

Butch:

When you watch the cutscene, pay special attention to why Herodotus wants Kassandra to find the….thing they want to find…and, more importantly, why Kassandra agreed, cuz I missed it and I want to ask you.

Feminina:

OK, I will attempt to take note of the reasons for…the finding of the thing.