State of the Union

State of the Union 2016: The Night Paul Ryan Became the Neutral-Face Emoji

Paul Ryan no doubt woke up this morning and immediately downed a protein shake. He checked the score of last night’s game (any game, it doesn’t matter to Paul Ryan which game it is). He opened a drawer filled with 45 identical white dress shirts and picked one out (not putting it on until after he had done his three sets of three-minute-long planks, of course). Because, we imagine, for Paul Ryan—even if today was going to be his first State of the Union as Speaker of the House, his first spent sitting behind the president throughout the entirety of the speech—today was just going to be any other day.

Ryan, who opted for a bold cherry-red tie (Paul Ryan would abhor the descriptor “cherry-red,” wouldn’t he?), spent nearly the entire speech looking . . . well, the best way we have to describe it is he had the facial expression of a man who is waiting for you to move out of the way so he can get to his Equinox locker—moderately perturbed, blandly dismayed, smug, a touch bemused. His facial expression was devoid of character in a way that’s frankly almost impressive; it almost seemed as though if you poked his cheek, his whole head would just deflate. He looked like he was recapping the latest episode of Blue Bloods in his head, scene by scene. He looked like he just saw someone slip on a wet floor but kept walking by without stopping, making a point of keeping his eyes locked straight ahead. He looked like he was clenching and unclenching his abs while thinking “now . . . now . . . now” to mark each clench. He looked like he was doing an impression of Jon Hamm doing an impression of Clint Eastwood. His face looked like the physical embodiment of the flat-horizontal-line-mouth emoji.

Have you ever been at a birthday party with your friend and you walk over and tell her that you’re feeling exhausted and not having fun and you really want to leave, and then she says “O.K., 10 minutes?” so you go stand over by the drinks area . . . and then your friend comes over in 10 minutes and you remember that you made this whole pageant out of complaining about the bad time you were having, so you quickly frown and try to look “pained”? No? That face is what Paul Ryan has looked like all night, and honestly, it’s a feat that he was able to maintain that level of perceived dissatisfaction for the entire speech. We legitimately wish we were able to maintain that level of poker-face for even just five minutes; it would have saved us a slew of apologies and explanations over the course of our life. Paul Ryan managed it for an hour.

Obama talks with chief of staff Denis McDonough and Miguel Rodriguez, director of legislative affairs, in the Oval Office on February 5, 2013. His jacket hangs on a chair, and his legs rest on the Resolute Desk, which was gifted to President Rutherford B. Hayes by Queen Victoria in 1880.

Obama meets with senior advisers in the Oval Office on December 30, 2012. No tie? It’s the holidays!

During an apparently intense conference call with Secretary of State John Kerry and the rest of the administration’s negotiators in Lausanne, Switzerland, Obama rests his knee on the table.

Photo: Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

President Obama kicks up his feet during a meeting with Deputy National Security Advisor Tony Blinken, aboard Marine One.

Photo: Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

Obama reclines during an economic-policy meeting in the Roosevelt Room on November 11, 2009.

Obama addresses advisers in the Roosevelt Room on May 4, 2009.

Obama stretches in the afternoon sun in the Rose Garden on May 20, 2009.

Obama talks with chief of staff Denis McDonough and Miguel Rodriguez, director of legislative affairs, in the Oval Office on February 5, 2013. His jacket hangs on a chair, and his legs rest on the Resolute Desk, which was gifted to President Rutherford B. Hayes by Queen Victoria in 1880.

Obama meets with senior advisers in the Oval Office on December 30, 2012. No tie? It’s the holidays!

During an apparently intense conference call with Secretary of State John Kerry and the rest of the administration’s negotiators in Lausanne, Switzerland, Obama rests his knee on the table.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

President Obama kicks up his feet during a meeting with Deputy National Security Advisor Tony Blinken, aboard Marine One.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

Rob Nabors, assistant to the president and director of legislative affairs, and senior adviser Valerie Jarrett meet with Obama on New Year’s Eve 2012. On the wall between Jarrett and Obama is a Childe Hassam painting of American flags.

Obama rests his feet on the Oval Office coffee table during a weekend meeting with staff. “Let's keep perspective in mind: it was a Saturday, and a President is the President whether he's wearing a suit on a weekday or casual clothes on a weekend,” White House photographer Pete Souza wrote of this image.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

Joe Biden and Obama hold a secure conference call on the subject of Libya in the Situation Room on April 6, 2011.

Obama receives an update on Hurricane Irene in the Situation Room on August 28, 2011. (Obama may have a knee up, but at least he’s not wearing a short-sleeved shirt: that honor is reserved for Nick Shapiro, senior policy adviser at the Department of Homeland Security.)

Obama leans back as he takes part in a conference call regarding the crash of Malaysia Air Flight 17 in Ukraine.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

Obama puts his feet up again in a meeting about the latest developments in Egypt on February 10, 2011.

On July 21, 2011, Obama meets with senior advisers to discuss debt-limit and deficit-reduction talks with Congress.

As body language would suggest, the debt-limit and deficit-reduction talks were going no better on July 30, 2011.

A meeting in the Roosevelt Room of the White House.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

Obama drops by a meeting with assistant Cabinet secretaries in the Situation Room on June 6, 2011.

The president, knee against the desk, speaks with then president of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, as National Security Advisor Susan Rice listens in.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

George Washington, in the form of a portrait by Rembrandt Peale, looks across at Obama as he meets with his counselors on February 24, 2011.

The president uses his reclined posture to hold on to a note from personal secretary Katie Johnson during a meeting in the Roosevelt Room on October 12, 2010.

Obama attends a meeting in the Roosevelt Room on December 20, 2010.

Obama puts up a knee as he listens to Joe Biden’s proposals for an administration response to the shootings in Newtown, Connecticut, on January 14, 2013.

Obama and his team prepare for a phone call from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu on May 31, 2010.

Obama, in his shirtsleeves, speaks with a number of staffers on the patio just outside the Oval Office.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

Ben Rhodes, deputy national-security adviser for strategic communication, and David Axelrod address the president on May 21, 2010.

Obama discusses the attempted car bombing in Times Square during a terrorist-threat briefing in the Situation Room on May 4, 2010.

The president leans back during an Oval Office meeting with his senior speechwriters.

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.

The president reacts during a planning meeting in the Roosevelt Room on December 22, 2009.

Obama holds an early, impromptu meeting on February 4, 2009.

Obama reclines during an economic-policy meeting in the Roosevelt Room on November 11, 2009.

Obama addresses advisers in the Roosevelt Room on May 4, 2009.

Obama stretches in the afternoon sun in the Rose Garden on May 20, 2009.