Recent
fundraising activities for the first of a plethora of shrines to
Miguelito, the self proclaimed prophet of PEE WEE, expected
to pop up wherever an interstate exit site can support one, have run
into a series of mysterious setbacks. Speculation grows that there is an
organized attempt to thwart this well-deserved elevation to martyrdom
and that PEE WEE, who has remained imprisoned within Miguelito’s vast
complex of interconnected temples, parks, retail outlets, and state of
the art multimedia broadcasting facilities, is still smarting from
alleged abuse received in Miguelito’s new impulse control program
instituted in reaction to the growing scandal that has swept the church
of PEE WEE, and is behind this campaign to prevent Miguelito’s martyrdomization. . Experts seem to agree that the church of PEEWEE is
run if not directly then indirectly by MIGUELITO who has consolidated
his power in recent weeks, partially by the controversial use of
doppelgangers.

At
a hastily set up news conference Kardinal Keislar, accompanied by his
long time
companion LEEANN, read a prepared statement saying, in part, that these
growing hardships that Miguelito faces only confirm how deserving
Miguelito is of PEEWEE sanctified martyr status. “None of the rest of
us in the R/TC have ever been misunderstood and we should all
recognize the obstacles created
by individual interpretation of words”. This last statement or words
similar have found their way into most organization’s official
positions in reaction to the implementation of the recently passed,
so-called “lip-service/doublespeak” bill requiring acknowledgement of
the inherent irrelevancy or even deceptiveness of statements made by
anyone calling himself a scientist or associating himself with the
truth. When asked whether
he had any comments regarding ZIPHLER’s recent interview with a rival
news organization in which Ziphler appeared naked as part of his “emperor’s
new clothes protest” over changes in organization and even the
name of the R/TC, the Kardinal seemed to misinterpret the question
saying with dismissal “AH! Too old for my tastes”

LEEANN has become a story in her own right. Rising out
of obscurity to become the most prominent of the one-name celebrities
through her association with the Kardinal, recently she has become the
focus of increasingly bitter attacks by the Keislar FAITHFUL WHO FEEL
THAT she has deprived them of their source of spiritual and
entertainment nourishment. Anonymous sources at the official KARDKEIS
fan club have told this reporter that there have been calls for
investigation after recent remarks from streetdogs guitarist Sean
Kennedy led to riots in Isla Vista by fueling the suspicion that LEEANN
was the catalyst for the breakup of the STREETDOGS.

A couple of stray dogs have staked out
some webscape nearby which has caused a series of unpredictable ripples to
develop in the local link net, creating an unsettling stability in connectivity
and a subtle increase in server up times (an often cited parameter for measuring
a website's reliability) in neighboring websites that occupying the same region
of the net.

"We decided something had to be done
about Guppy" the elder of the canines explained, referring to Ray Guppy,
a Streetdog, who disappeared under spectacular circumstances which are widely
believed to have been engineered by peaceables as a diversion, allowing
them time and a credibility gap with which to either kill him with kindness
or, as most believe, whisk him to a local beach community that has become
stronghold for old fashioned hippies and advocates of the power of love
movement.

"Ray Guppy has been missing for an extended
period now and there is new information about the kidnapping and brainwash
of his brother Jethro that has shed light on Ray Guppy's plight." explained
the apparent leader of the group. When asked if he implied a connection between
the infamous seduction
of Jethro, and Ray's mysterious disappearance some 15 years ago, the unidentified
highly placed canine simply said that the power of love was "a daunting force
[and] it's time we stop pussy-footing around. We have hung back thru too many
random repeated rains of generosity and joy, not knowing where these agents
of goodness and light will strike next, and frankly, we're starting to look
like a bunch of goddamned sissies. No longer will we wait for them to
define the time, nature, and location. Today we draw a line in the sand. We
are going to wage peace and we're taking the fight to them."

A single
photograph of Guppy in which despite his aggressive stance and use of obviously
vicious hand gestures, has an unmistakable glint of near overwhelming ecstasy
in his eyes. This photo has become an icon to the growing sentiment to fight
back. No one however, until last week, really thought that Ray Guppy could
have stood the now 14 years and 3 months of this kind of punishment.

In another
twist of a story everyone thought, "could twist no more" the heinous
"Miguelito" long reviled by the liberal press, and a hunted man in
both his own country as well as in the U.S., may actually have been
no more than an alias, created, and often assumed, by the very same
Sacramento Lawyer he allegedly kidnapped in a terrifying abduction
that took place last week in an alley separating a popular fast food
restaurant from a small bowling ally owned by a Croatian couple that
may have served as a drop point for money Doughton was apparently
receiving from several individuals he shared a dormitory with at UC
Santa Barbara in the early seventies. Police sources confirm that
they are looking for several members of a highly secretive
environmental and pet welfare group who may have called themselves,
"dogs of the road" and are tied to the 1984 infiltration of a
government intelligence facility designated
"NEO-RENNIE" although authorities at the time denied even the
existence of NEO-RENNIE and charges were never filed. It is believed
that Doughton has been extorting money from these individuals since
they fired him in a very messy and public way following, what they
claim was, a bungled handling of a bizarre doggie condominium
development called Doghouse Studios, built in Redwood City in the
early 80's. Although details are still sketchy . . . . . . .
. . . . . .

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