i often wonder if i am real and if the world around me is real or if i am projecting an imaginary illusion of what ever others consider to be reality out of my eyes...and i wonder if there is anything "out there" at all...like it is all just a hollogram.

i often feel trapped inside my mind.
i time travel in my dreams and am living in many alternate time lines in alternate universes.

this waking one is only one of many.

i often think i am dead either by natural means or by suicide but that the consciousness that encompases this "body" erased all memory of the death...and then went back in time to try to work things out again and find a different outcome but find the same problems and am unable to solve them...hence caught in some kind of consciousness time loop.

i also feel as though i am existing in all points of time at once as well. like the time i was 17 and 26 and 30 are all illusions created by the consciousness that thinks it's living in this so called body.

i often encounter this phenomenon while in what the people that seem to exist outside of me refer to as the "dream state"...where i am living in all of the different apartments and houses i have ever lived in all at once. i often meet a guide there or what seems like a person seperate from myself that i try to get answers from but they won't tell me what happened...or where i am.

i often think i am not real in the sense of what ever other people precieve real to be but that i am living in a dream or floating in a buble of consciousness somewhere between where they are and what people call death.

the shadows read my thoughts and fears and project them back to me in the "dream state" and they also make their presense known through what i precieve as tactile touch. it is always in the same place. someone behind me to my right hand side sending a feeling of energy...like they have a finger on your back and are sending an electric current into my back.

they know all my different plans of suicide and let me know by showing it back in the dream state. i am often chased by dark figures (the shadows) and can never escape from them. they have once identified them selves as the "adjustment bueau". like in the movie.

there are other tv shows that also confirm my suspisions like the show "being erica" where she time travels and her doctors exist in the inbetween limbo state and there are multiple realities existing beyond the normal consciousness depending on the choices people make.

and the episode of 6 feet under where nate fisher jr dies in episode 1 of season 3...meets his dead dad...goes back to the house and encounters different versions of himself existing in differnt dimensions of actuality...

his dead father asks him..."do you believe your consciousness effects the behaviour of subatomic particles? do you believe that subatomic particles can move backwards and forwards in time and exist in all possible places at once? do you believe that the universe is constantly splitting into billions of paralell universes?"

he asks his father am i alive or dead? is this hell?...his dad says 'you're dead'. but your also alive. in some places you are alive and in some you are dead...in some you don't even exist.

i often have precognative dreams so i wonder if i am telling the future or if i have already been through here and am just being warned of upcomming events already happening.

when ever i am out walking by myself i am constantly questioning my existence and the voices fight back and forth all the time. no one wins. we just accept we don't know.

when ever i look at people or am talking to others i am always wondering to myself if they actually exist or if i am just imagining them to be there...are they real or not.

i often wonder if there is only one line of reality or if there are billions of of realities out there all existing simultaneously. like each person out there is projecting their own realty in what seems like an outward perception...but that with each choice they make...the alternate choice creates an energy that goes off on its own as well, unobserved by the consciosness that carries down the oposite path.

i often wonder how that effects things on a grand scale as well. like if hitler had won the war and took over the world...that somewhere out there in an alternate reality that we don't experience... the reality of that situation is still existingand the world is totally different.

science has already tod us that nothing around us is solid...that it is all made up of atoms which contain elctrons and protons and newtrons spinning around in mostly empty space...so that the world that we seem to precieve "out there" is actually just a psycological experience we interpert to be real.

it's been this way for a long time now.

i wish i didn't think this wy but i can't stop it. it's like this all the time.

yes i have discussed it with my therapist...but i often wonder if she is real or just a projection of my consciousness. apart from what i observe of people that are seemingly 'outside' of me durring my 20 hours in this "reality" each "day" (or dream or hollogram or what ever realty is)...i have no proof that they exist if i am not there to see or experience them.

it is a disorienting state to exist in all the time...and this si another reason i want to die...to really know what is goin on.