What really matters in life
By Carol Devine-Molin
web posted January 6, 2003
Once again, the New Year is upon us. Not only is it a time of
regeneration and renewal, but an opportunity to examine and
glean insights from past and present circumstances. Two articles
particularly, Michael Wolff's "Preschool Confidential" and Beth
Landman Keil's "The Man Who Had Everything", both found in
the December 2, 2002 edition of New York magazine,
magnificently complement one another and act as a springboard
to focus in on the genuine virtues that we must hold sacred and
pass on to our children — not the ersatz values of an elitist class.
Wolff's trenchant piece explores the surreal passion exhibited by
the New York City Brahmans in their quest to have their young
children accepted into premier nursery schools. On the surface,
this may seem silly. But why indeed is it considered a pivotal play
on the part of savvy NYC parents? Simply because preschools,
such as Brick Church, Madison Avenue Presbyterian Day
School, Temple Emanu-El, All Souls, and the 92nd Street Y, are
the gateway into the all-important private school system of
Manhattan.
Once children gain entry and do well in one of these preschools,
they continue in this rarefied education milieu that keeps on giving
throughout their lives, and will not only help them land in the right
universities, but in the right business and social environments
thereafter. Being a product of this venerated private school
system imparts a type of invaluable cache that holds sway with
the wealthy aristocracy, and which opens doors into adulthood,
facilitating the right marriages and the right business relationships.
I can well see how these cultivated contacts would be helpful in
life. However, I doubt that Bill Gates was concerned with any of
this as he orchestrated his rise to the top. And I still believe that if
you're sufficiently bright and persevering, some degree of
success will follow. Most Americans are egalitarian enough to
find this emphasis on class and upward mobility a bit abhorrent.
But the truth is, most family-oriented Americans who accrued
wealth and reside in Manhattan quickly succumb to the process.
Well, how would you get your children into one of these elite
schools? Moneyed parents willing to make hefty donations are
key, which certainly comes as no surprise. However, personal
connections, especially those fostered by legacies who
previously attended one of these prestigious NYC schools, is
viewed as social currency as well. Does meritocracy play any
part in the equation? Only peripherally, and it's only of
consequence if the child is a real misfit that can't be reasonably
shaped-up by the school. Wolff only half-facetiously refers to
these students as "perfect" kids, "straight from a high-end
catalog" who thoroughly look and act the part of the privileged.
These students are not only extremely well-educated and polite,
they carry and comport themselves profoundly well in a tradition
befitting young members of the wealthy aristocracy.
But are these children truly content with few emotional
problems? It's very difficult to know. Interestingly, thirty and
forty years ago, the Manhattan private school system was a
bastion for the children of upper-middle class professionals
rather than the very rich. These were the offspring of doctors,
lawyers, writers, college professors, etc. Today, the Manhattan
private schools educate children from considerably wealthier
families, according to Wolff – and these parents tend to earn
their beaucoup bucks in the financial field. Frankly, it's widely
known that successful individuals in the "financial industry"
inevitably work extremely long hours, more so than most, and
are not sufficiently attentive to their families. Although a first class
education and connections will eventually provide children with a
leg up in the world, they certainly cannot be shielded from the
effects of an absentee parent or dysfunction in the household.
Wolff himself is somewhat ambivalent about the nature and
extent of demands placed upon children, and parents for that
matter, by these Manhattan private schools. He indicates: "The
interesting and ironic result is that at the end, after the entire
struggle to be a part of this, nobody is too happy with the
outcome…The price is too high, the pretense too demanding, the
negotiating too exhausting, the pressure too great. Was it worth
it? And yet, possibly because the alternative would be to admit
that we have not only wasted millions of dollars and vast
reserves of psychic energy, but maybe even screwed up our
kids, we do believe we have paid the going price for more-
perfect children".
And this brings me to the second relevant article. A background
of outstanding business successes, two adorable toddlers, and
even the love of a beautiful young wife was not enough to sustain
a high powered man such as Jeffrey Silverman through tough
times, according to the New York magazine piece "The Man
Who Had Everything". Financier Jeffrey Silverman was born
with tremendous advantages and grew up in wealthy home
where "nothing was denied him. Even in nursery school, Jeffrey
traveled in a limousine". He was once worth over a hundred
million, but he hit hard times in recent years, and even depended
upon his wealthy father-in-law for financial assistance. It appears
that Silverman was especially given to angst and humiliation since
his latest business adventure, Brand Partners, lost money for
investors, many of whom were his friends, and he owed monies
to the IRS. Unfortunately, Silverman then did the unthinkable. He
committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest, which
apparently resulted in a drawn-out, painful death. Silverman was
56.
Interestingly, this was a smart, talented man who had everything
to live for, especially a loving family. Even if he spent the
remainder of his life paying back investors and the IRS, those
certainly would have been honorable and worthwhile endeavors.
But he just couldn't hack it. For a man who lived lavishly, and
always expected financial success to ensue, his current
circumstances were unbearable.
I truly wonder if these upper echelon private schools are helping
to imbue children of privilege with sufficient coping skills. Of
course, the primary duty of inculcating virtue and values rest with
the family, but surely schools have some responsibility here. It
goes without saying that there is much more to life than pursuing
upward mobility and materialism. When the going gets tough,
which will invariably occur, will these products of elite private
schools have the wherewithal to confront adversity, tenaciously
fight the good fight, maintain dignity and optimism, and cling to
truth and other moral values while facing the maelstroms of
existence? Sure, when crisis hits, I expect that many will be able
to conduct themselves magnificently – but not all, especially
those with a sense of entitlement. Quite frankly, I don't see any
rich young men enlisting in the armed forces, even though our
nation and military are in dire need. And that really should
change.
Carol Devine-Molin is a regular contributor to several online
magazines.
Enter Stage Right -- http://www.enterstageright.com