Monday, February 3, 2014

Did you know that a hysterectomy and the hormone changes
that come with it can change the density of your breast? And that the tissue
can become much more fibrous? I had no
clue. I knew hormone changes could cause
soreness, but I did not realize it could change the whole make up of “the
girls.”

Since my surgery, my breasts have been intermittently sore.
Often to the point that hugs hurt. Normally, this might not be too big an
issue, but I come from a family of huggers. And they don’t give little spaghetti armed, polite
pat on the back sorts of hugs. They hug you with the intention of squeezing any
sort of sadness right out of your ears. So
needless to say…OUCH.

I really thought the soreness would have
gone away by now. It’s been 6 months since my hysterectomy but it hasn't. And about 2 months ago, I noticed
that my left side was particularly sore under the arm. And it was non-stop. I finally called for a mammogram. I was a year
and half overdue, so I figured I might as well get it done.

I told the scheduler about my hysterectomy and hormone
replacement when I made the appointment. She acknowledged that and I assumed had put the information in my chart.
I went in on the 22nd and had the procedure done and fully
expected an all clear post card a few days later.

On the 28th I received a call telling me that I needed to come back in for more screening because my left breast looked “suspicious.” The appointment was made for the following
week. A day later I got a letter in the mail informing me that additional
imaging was recommended. (yeah, I figured that out when I got the phone
call.) The letter also said:
“Effective July 1st, 2013, The Indiana Senate passed a law (SenateBill 414) stating we must notify you of your breast density type….” OK. That’s interesting.

Apparently mine are heterogeneously dense. “Your mammogram shows
that your breast tissue is dense. Dense breast tissue is very common and is not
abnormal. But dense breast tissue can make it harder to find cancer on
mammograms. Also, dense breast tissue may increase your breast cancer risk.”

Really? I understand
that awareness and education are key. These are very important. But jeez oh
Pete! Way to add fuel to my already
overly active and anxious imagination. I KNOW that my risks are low. There is
NO family history of breast or ovarian cancer. But that is still a bit nerve-racking.

So, for the next week instead of thinking about my boobs, I stuck my head in
the sand and hyper-focused on vacation planning.
(which I had started doing a couple days before I got the call) I looked at several hundred rentals in
Michigan and the Chesapeake Bay area of Virginia. In that time I spent well
over 40 hours obsessing about finding the perfect place. I spent maybe an hour looking up information
on breast issues. At that point, I figured it was better for me to NOT dwell on
what may or may not be going on.

I had my second screening this morning. The technician explained
that they were concerned because my breast looked dramatically different from
my last mammogram. I had gone from “Almost entirely fatty” to “heterogeneously
dense” in a year and a half. I mentioned
the hormones and hysterectomy again, which seemed to surprise the tech. It was NOT in my file. She actually looked
relieved. But we still had to go through
the whole squishing thing. This was a LOT more uncomfortable than before. In
this sort of situation they want as FLAT a view as possible. And the fact that
the suspicious area was near the chest wall made it that much more difficult to
get a good image. The doctor looked at the scans immediately and decided that I
also needed an ultrasound. That was a lot easier and did not hurt at all.

Doc decide that this was fibrous tissue caused by hormone changes
but wants me to come in for another scan in 6 months to make sure nothing has
grown.

Everything seems to fine and that is a huge relief. Not
crazy that I have to come back in 6 months. It is what it is. But it certainly
would have been nice to know that these changes were a possibility right from
the start. It would not have changed my
mind about having the surgery. But knowing would have prevented a bit of worry
on my part.

A site with information on the importance of understanding breast density. http://www.areyoudense.org/

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Depression has not let up. Hormone levels are higher and a
bit steadier, but I am still an emotional mess. In fact, it became bad enough that I decided
to go back on anti-depressants before Christmas. That decision made me feel
terribly weak. Of course I would never
let one of my friends say that about themselves if they had to take ADs. But for some reason, I’m different,
right?

I really need to cut myself some slack. I spend so much of my time feeling guilty. (I
am good at that) Guilty for not being a better mom or wife. Guilty for not
having all the answers to fix my Grandma’s situation. (another long story) Guilty
for missing the past two semesters of school. Guilty for gaining back lost
weight. Guilty for things that are
completely out of my control. Guilty for feeling guilty. And guilty, so very guilty, for being
depressed.
I realize a lot has happened over the past few months. Physical challenges and emotional events. Any one of which could trigger a bout of the
blues. But all combined is taking its toll. Add to that, the long, dark days of
winter. It makes digging out of this on my own overwhelming. I should not feel guilty for needing to ask for
help. Of course, I do.

So medication and therapy it is. I’ve been on the AD for 3
weeks now. It takes a while for it to
kick in. I need to be patient. Patience
is but one of many virtues that I do NOT possess. Monday I start
therapy. That is going to take a while
as well. I think most people think therapy
is just lying on the couch and spewing out your mommy or daddy issues to a
shrink. But it is so much more than
that. (at least if it’s done right) It is actual work. It is retraining your brain. And it is not easy.

I am hopeful,
though. I see a small light at the end
of the tunnel. I am starting to make plans again. I am taking a class this
semester, and I am starting to feel like writing. I think these are good signs and steps in the
right direction.