Steven Wright

“One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.”

“I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out…”

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I’d call him I’d say C’mere Stay C’mere Stay he’d go like this. He’s a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”