Islam

~ Peace ~

October 24, 2006

It was one of the last times my mother was lucid. Her hearing was almost gone, but I could communicate by shouting into her left ear. Strange, that is my ‘good’ ear too. She was in a lot of pain, as usual, but asked how I was doing. I was depressed and it showed, the strain on my face and pain in my eyes could not be hidden or go unnoticed. Usually I just said fine, not wanting to burden her, but this time I told her. I told her how down I was, how I had lost touch with all my friends, how the Hurricane had changed my life. I told her I had sold my interest in my business and was now unemployed. She smiled, the sweetest smile.

My mother and I had always shared a special relationship. Perhaps because I was so much more sensitive than my brothers and in many ways my sisters. Her special attention to me caused a bit of friction with a sibling or two, but they would never say so. My father and I shared a distant and cool ‘relationship’, if you could call it that. The deepest conversation we ever had was regarding the weather. I know he loved me, but I never felt that he liked me. He just tolerated me, barely. My mother loved me, I never doubted that.

The sweetest smile you ever saw; my mother’s face would light up when I entered her room at the skilled nursing facility where she ‘lived’. “You will be fine,” she said, “remember you have an angel looking over you.” I was puzzled at the statement. The years, medication and pain had not dimmed her sense of humor or the prankster in her. Looking bewildered and cautious, I ask her to explain. “Who do you think told me you were in trouble when the Masonite fell on you?” I had not thought of the incident for nearly 50 years.

I was 5 and it was the first time I was to be left home alone while mother and my younger sister went to town to shop. I felt like a big boy, I could stay home all by myself. Things were different in 1957, kids were different, times were simple and no one would call social services because a 5 year old was left home without adult supervision. There was no social services!

I remember watching as the grey Chevrolet, a ‘53 coop I believe, disappeared over the hill my aunt and uncle lived on. I wandered to the chicken house, a big shed about 12 feet by 16 feet complete with Masonite siding and a lean-to roof. We had a few chickens there, yet I was determined to get my hands on the kittens our yellow tabby had birthed behind a stack of heavy Masonite leaning against one wall. These were 8 foot by 4 foot sheets of die stock, an extremely dense and heavy form of the pressed board used to calibrate the steam presses that made the commercial boards. The kittens were out of my reach behind this stack. I carefully stood each sheet upright and held it in place as I stood another against it. The sheets were taller than me at only 4 feet. There must have been 20 sheets of the stuff. Once all the sheets were vertical, there was plenty of room for me to ease in between the stack and the wall to get at the kittens. Only problem was I had to momentarily let go of the stack; changing hands to support it. Well, all 20 sheets fell toward me pinning me against the wall. I could not move it, I was panicked, it was hard to breathe and I was home alone. Then, my mother just appeared and with one motion pulled the boards off me and pulled me out the trap.

I received the usual scolding, but much longer this time and I can’t remember ever seeing her look so scared. I just got a butt chewing, no mention of why she was home; there was not enough time elapsed for her to have gotten to town, shopped and come home. I was given strict orders to stay in the yard, do not leave the yard! She got back in the car and headed toward town again.

I was lost in my memories of that time when she smiled again. “An angel told me to come home, you needed me.” Chills ran all over me and a feeling of peace filled my heart. She smiled and I knew it was true. A little more than 5 weeks later, my mother passed away. She had suffered horrible pain and disfiguring arthritis for the last 35 years of her life, but she never lost her sweet smile, sense of humor or dignity. She never lost her faith either. A simple belief in God and His goodness. She could have easily been a bitter and hateful person, but she wasn’t. She accepted her lot in life with very few complaints, always humming, never a cross word, never an unkind remark about anyone. She was a remarkable lady. I miss her a lot.

October 19, 2006

It came from nowhere, that God-awful sinking despair rolling through me like a wave. I felt as if I were drowning, pulled under by an unseen force. My body felt the waves of hot, cold and fear or was it dread; my mind raced. I usually have a clear sense of these events, but this time things were murky. A physical response, an irrational reaction? I’m not sure, but something is in the wind.

October 17, 2006

October 16, 2006

Looking within, that is the secret. From afar it is just typical; a waterlily floating in a typical pond. Others see it and give it but a passing glance. Some acknowledge silently its beauty, others see only a typical flower. Not many take time to gain insight and find the real beauty. Looking within, drinking in the form, color, texture and understanding its real beauty is more than its outward appearance and setting.

Always seek to look within. You will find incredible beauty, potential and far more than meets the eye. Look within yourself and you will see a gift from God looking at you.

October 15, 2006

OK, so I am in, maybe over my head; maybe not. I can swim, I can hold my breath, I can thread water. Hell I can scuba!

But, I do not want to be in this warm, wonderful place alone. So, please, swallow your fear and trust that you will be fine. The water really is great and I would never allow you drown or even be afraid.

October 08, 2006

Ok, I have my license, I have a broker, I have an office, now I have to make this baby ring! So, how to go about it?

I made a few cold calls on For Sale By Owner (FSBO) properties, with only one possible, maybe, etc. I have spent the past 25 years in the medical profession. I have maintained a low profile on purpose. Now, I have to promote myself; not a happy thought. It rattles my nerves to be frank. I am a private person.
I live my life in the open and I am known by hundreds of folks along the coast, but they really only know what I allow them to know. Not much to be sure.

If I am to succeed in real estate, I will have to come out of hiding and mingle with society. I am scared of this prospect. I don't like it, but I have no choice.
The next few months will be nerve wracking. Tom has leased a huge billboard at a highly visible intersection. He plans to have my picture, along with his, plastered on that billboard for at least a month. Geez, I hate the thought. I prefer invisibility; cold calling will never work though. Out of 9 calls, I got one maybe. Not even a strong maybe.

This is the third time I have started from scratch; with nothing. Hopefully it will be the last time. I am confident I can do the 'job' of real estate salesman, but getting out in the public in a highly visible manner is something I have never done. Hope I can survive this. All the good bridges already have folks living under them.

October 04, 2006

So, now it is off to work I go.....for real. I can not tell you what a relief it was to get the confirmation letter. I did not feel at all confident about the test. The review I attended in August was not at all like the test. Each candidate received a test packet with his/her name printed on the jacket. I don't know how many versions of the test were given, but I can say the one I took covered areas of my greatest weakness. Yeah, finance, broker law and land description. How did they know? These topics were glossed over lightly in the test review, but the test I took was 80% these topics alone. Wheeee!I passed!

It seems no one else in my life was the least concerned. Tom, my broker, was confident, my sister was confident, my best friend was confident, but I was not so sure.

I have big hopes and big dreams. I long ago gave up on the idea of becoming a millionaire, nonetheless, I hope to build enough capital to retire by age 60. That is only 5 years, so I will be busy for sure. If Katrina had not trashed my plans I would have been well on my way to retirement at 58, but that's water under the bridge.

So, dear readers, please wish me luck......and if there is anyone out there who wants to tag along; it will be fun! So, stick around. It all gets better from here.

You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth. For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life's procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite. When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music. Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison? Always you have been told that work is a curse and labor a misfortune. But I say to you that when you work you fulfill a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,And in keeping yourself with labor you are in truth loving life, And to love life through labor is to be intimate with life's inmost secret. But if you in your pain call birth an affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written. You have been told also life is darkness, and in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary. And I say that life is indeed darkness save when there is urge, And all urge is blind save when there is knowledge, And all knowledge is vain save when there is work, And all work is empty save when there is love; And when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another, and to God. And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit, And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching. Often have I heard you say, as if speaking in sleep, "he who works in marble, and finds the shape of his own soul in the stone, is a nobler than he who ploughs the soil. And he who seizes the rainbow to lay it on a cloth in the likeness of man, is more than he who makes the sandals for our feet." But I say, not in sleep but in the over-wakefulness of noontide, that the wind speaks not more sweetly to the giant oaks than to the least of all the blades of grass; And he alone is great who turns the voice of the wind into a song made sweeter by his own loving. Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger. And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine. And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man's ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night.

October 01, 2006

When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderestbranches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather,“I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.