Julian Assange will not be secretly leaving the Ecuadorian embassy today, reported a man with a big moustache wearing a large trenchcoat outside the Ecuadorian embassy.

Referring to himself as ‘Mr. Egnassa’, the man adjusted his large glasses and clarified that Assange has no plans to leave in disguise to evade police.

“No, he’s staying in there for a long time,” said Egnassa in a strange Australian accent. “And if he were to sneak out in disguise – which he’s definitely not, I can’t stress that enough – he’d probably leave out the back over there,” he added, jabbing his walking stick in the opposite direction.

“I like the way ‘Egnassa’ thinks!” shouted an Ecuadorian embassy official from a window.

When asked how he had such an insight into the mind of the Wikileaks co-founder, Egnassa chuckled. “Oh, I think there’s a little Assange in all of us. He’s closer than you think!”