The Hollyweird Legal Round-Up is our weekly rundown of entertainment and entertainment-related law and lawsuits, written every week by our verbose and handsome legal correspondent, Buttockus Finch, who we choose to represent as a dog in a tuxedo. He chooses to remain anonymous because he’s a lawyer, and no one really likes lawyers.

Achtung babies!

Time to get to the LawOLs.

1. Max Gape Acquires Street Cred: The Max Wade Trial

Boycini has already covered this one, admirably and in depth, but f*ck if I’m not going to opine on the Fieri-related crime of the century. Once cameras show up at the courthouse, most of the participants start to think they’re in at least a basic cable movie, plus Max Wade lived his life as if he was method acting to prepare for a Statham role. Even to the extent that this case isn’t “entertainment law” (apart from GF’s involvement and the inevitability of this being filmed), it is absolutely entertaining law.

187 skills: Attempted murder? There is a tendency to forget that a lot of crimes turn on what the defendant was thinking–did they have the mens rea (actual term of art), the guilty mind, to be convicted. So Vince had a good point–regardless of whether MW should have known that pointing a firearm at an occupied vehicle could maybe have killed the people inside, if you don’t believe he intended to kill them, the attempted murder charge doesn’t hold up. Here’s a link to something you won’t read:

Page 367 has the California jury instructions for attempted murder. The fun begins with: “the People must prove that: 1. The defendant took at least one direct but ineffective step toward killing (another person/ [or] a fetus)” because what, are you saying that a fetus is somehow different than a person, how dare you, because God, and the bible. Oh, gentiles. Even better, if you read that as possibly saying “another” also applies to “fetus,” you get to imagine that the defendant is also a fetus. Pitch that as an unborn twin situation and I can get you an immediate greenlight from Lifetime.

Hope you look good in orange: So the jury believed that Wade intended to kill the couple he shot at, regardless of the fact that he had an excellent opportunity to do so but didn’t. We’ll never know for sure, or at least not until Wade confesses–ratings gold!–but there’s the distinct possibility that firing a pistol while sitting on a running motorcycle isn’t as easy as it looks on TV, especially if (assuming facts not in evidence) you have never done it before. Nerves will also have negative effect on your aim, and it’s gotta be a rush. You have more stability sitting in a car; would that Wade had found one fast enough to use for a rapid getaway. A Lamborghini, say.

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2. Mash*tty.

Danny Trejo is back, and he’s leatherier than ever.

Nick Lyon, the director of the forthcoming film, Bullet, isn’t happy that Robert Rodriguez’ American United Media (AUM) and FUNimation Entertainment have taken the film away from him. But a judge has ordered an injunction against his interference in the completion of the film, and now Lyon is taking the dispute to an appeals court. [THR]

Basically: Nick Lyon (Nothing, Ever) gets hired to write and direct a movie for producer/creator of mostly bad movies Robert Rodriguez. The movie, Bullet, might be described as a vehicle for Danny Trejo, except that I get some very specific images when I think of Trejo’s vehicles. No Priuses, for one thing.

“Bullet is a film that stars Danny Trejo (Machete, Breaking Bad) as a cop who takes the law into his own hands when his grandson is kidnapped.”

So Trejo has become Liam Neehijo. No complaints, except, Trejo is a cop? I love him but my man looks like he started committing crimes as a fetus and didn’t stop until they cast him in Heat. And I doubt he fits in well with the rest of the force: “I’m not a detective–why does he keep calling me ‘Holmes’?”

And then: At some point during the making of the movie, Lyon and Rodriguez start beefing about money, the former feeling that Rodriguez has given him an unfair percentage. Accusations fly, litigation begins, and the rich guy would appear to have the better attorneys.

That’s a hard lyric: It’s bad enough to get fired from a terrible job, much less from your first real directing job. On top of which, it appears that Lyon got to film most, if not all, of the movie, but, due the court’s injunction, he has since been denied access to work on postproduction. It’s not as if he could have expected final cut, but penultimate cut, or whichever cut is before that, would not have been too much to ask.

Fun legalese: “Lyon is now appealing.” What was he before, repulsive?

On the horizon: Per IMDb, Lyon is “in talks” about Vampires of Hollywood. Let’s hope the studio’s side of the talks is a dismissive wanking motion that begins when he says “vampire” and ends when he is literally thrown off the lot, ideally into a muddy puddle.

Prognosis: Lyon has countersued. We shall see. You have to feel bad for the underdog here–and regardless of the outcome, Rodriguez will emerge from this unscathed–but in fact, who knows, maybe Lyons is a lackluster human being. Writing and directing? You’re trying too hard, big guy.

Speaking of which…

3. Settling Scores. Somebody needs to guard the Syphilitic C*nt Hair woodwork because another one came out of it:

JustinJump

Holy sh*t, please never allow this person to write for this site ever again. I hold Filmdrunk to a way higher standard than this. F*ck.

Or is this a regular I’ve just not noticed till now? Either way, you’re trying way too hard, big guy

Since it only took four columns for this smegma parfait to find out about me, I knew his was an opinion to value, particular for his expertise on the funny. Internet hecklers are a latter-day Greek chorus. If only I could glance at the notes from his TED talk on mirth. OH WAIT:

My sides! My sides! Four ha’s is right–the only reason to hate a team with a 37-year never-win-a-Super-Bowl streak is envy. Just when you think his comment couldn’t have been made more amusing, boom, caps lock.

Seattle. Their one championship team leaves town and changes its name, like an abused woman seeking a fresh start. Is there more?

“DAMN. Browner got his hand up perfectly to set that up, and then Earl swoops in like some sort of a predatory bird. FANTASTIC.”

Yes, “some sort.” Look at the bird on the dude’s helmet, Roget.

“Do you ever see a simple play on words and it just FLOORS you that you never came up with it on your own, in the entire time you’ve had on this planet?”

Do you ever *not*, JustinYourmomstwat? Clever people–don’t hate them cause you ain’t them.

I don’t consider trying hard a damning accusation, but I doubt you hear it directed your way much. Shut your cock holster and let the vertebrates talk.

Damn man, can we just cancel the round up next week and just ahve buttockus go after people. I’ll volunteer if it helps. You can mine my old posts and crush me for some of the thoguhts I’ve had that I thought were clever at the time. Do it.

If the Max Wade trial gave us nothing except for the delicious Guy Ferry prison rape drawing and the MAX WADE OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO, I’d say the unusual miscarriage of justice was just our cross to bear to get all these gifts.

Haha. You delved into my posting history. That’s awesome, and flattering. You’re my biggest fan! It doesn’t change the fact that your writing blows and you’re not funny. You’d fish my used condoms out of the trash and drink them up if given the chance, in an attempt to “know your enemy.” It kinda seems like you DID take my advice though, you toned down your faux-intellectual gobbledegook a tad this time (just a tad). Now tone it down even MORE, and quit writing entirely. Or call my mom and ask her about the time I peed my pants in kindergarten and then write an entire article about me next week. Whichever.

Why don’t YOU call your mom and ask her about the time I peed on her face? I remember it like it was yesterday, when in fact it was Monday. Seriously, she’s great, and she looks fantastic since she shaved her back. She calls me The Guy Who Reminded My Scumbag Son That He’s Almost As Funny As SIDS, and I call her The Hepatitis C-Hawk. See you at the next Mensa meeting.

HA! Oh man, so zany. Still, you jocked me hard enough to research my football posts, sooorta made some lazy digs at them, and dedicate like a third of your article to me. All over two off-handed comments I forgot I made about how you try too hard. Kinda comes off as defensive and thin-skinned if you ask me. Maybe I was on to something?

But yes, you totally peed on my mom’s knockers, something something hepatitis cum smoothie or whatever. Does it enrage you that you’ll never be one of those people who are spontaneously funny?