The Lindsay Lohan story now involves boy bands, psychics, and gypsies, as it must

Though rife with complex astrophysical implications, Lindsay Lohan's latest arrest was more or less a story of one person tussling with another over shared physical space—and therefore, unless you want to get all Neil deGrasse Tyson about it, fairly straightforward and thus not a Lindsay Lohan story. Fortunately, TMZ once again comes through with the needlessly complex, occasionally Fellini-esque details: Reportedly the entire fight came about after Lohan was spurned by The Wanted member Max George—easily the one with the most George in boy band The Wanted—whom Lohan had gone to see that night, when they opened for Justin Bieber. Their would-be courtship took a sour turn when "Lindsay got drunker and drunker… and it turned Max off," as this entire story should be read in the hot, slurry whisper of a college sophomore excitedly reporting back to her annoyed roommate who's just trying to study.

Anyway, once George moved on to talking to the woman who has accused Lohan of hitting her, this reportedly "enraged" Lohan. However, this detail, too, is rather dull and quotidian, so it's also important to note that the alleged victim, Tiffany Mitchell, has been identified as "a well-known psychic" who says she "had a premonition about Lohan," no doubt based on her well-known psychic abilities, and approached Lohan about giving her a free reading. What Mitchell did not see coming, despite her psychic abilities and a general familiarity with Lindsay Lohan, was that Lohan was in no mood to hear dire predictions for her future, prompting Lohan to not only demand she be given her space, but also to call Mitchell "a fucking gypsy."

Since Mitchell's husband has clarified, "We are not gypsies," and Lohan is not a 17th-century Romantic poet who was merely celebrating the exotic mystique of the caravan, Mitchell took this as a "racist comment." And so, Mitchell's friend responded by "unloading a bunch of insults… calling [Lohan] a 'whore' and telling her 'Liz & Dick sucked,'" which finally baited Lohan into taking out her general frustration with the TV critic community by punching Mitchell in the face—thus fulfilling Mitchell's "premonition" that she would be a far more well-known psychic 24 hours later. Reports that this entire altercation was also observed by a sad-faced clown playing a mournful trumpet while a strongman broke an iron chain across his chest are hopefully forthcoming.