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Author
Topic: Being Poz = Being Lonely?? (Read 11124 times)

I'm a gay guy who has been positive since early 2003. To be honest, can't say I have any issue with being positive in itself. I am on meds and extremely healthy, but since my diagnosis my social life has nose-dived and has now completely died!!

I moved to SE London 4 years ago and have never really been the sort of guy who spends endless hours in gay venues, but it seems that the harder I look for someone who is either positive or is not averse to dating someone positive, all I ever come across are guys who are interested only in casual sex. This has left me feeling very isolated and I'm starting to believe this has lead to a clinical depression.

Anyway, there MUST be other positive people out there who are feeling the exact same things that I have been feeling, or maybe someone out there who found where to go for help on this subject....I would be glad to hear from any of you who might be able to share your experiences and maybe offer some advice.

I don't think being positive equals being lonely as your title suggests. Many of my friends complain about not being in a relationship and they are negative and I have been with my partner for years and I am positive. I think its more a gay thing than an HIV thing.

From my experience it wasnt until I was done with the gay scene and going to clubs and all that I met my partner. The club /gay scene isnt condusive to relationships. You say you dont spend time in gay venues but do you do other things to meet people. Any hobbies that have gay clubs ( like gay skiing club or gay scuba divers or softball or whatever floats your boat). I find those are better ways to meet people than bars and such. London definately should have some groups.

Hey there, thanks for your reply. I think you're totally right. I think it's probably more a gay thing than anything else. I am definitely already putting the feelers out for social groups/activities that would be of interest and help me to meet new people.

As a gay man also living in London and poz for a while longer than you, I understand what you mean but I think it is a truism that the 'harder' you look (for a boyfriend/partner) the less likely you are to find it.

If you haven't already, maybe you should try the social groups run by GMFA (Gay Men Fighting Aids), Terence Higgins Trust and Positive East - they all run social groups for poz gay men. I don't mean the 'support' groups for dealing with being poz and the practical money/housing/benefit issues, but the space for just meeting and socialising with other poz men.PACE in London ( http://www.pacehealth.org.uk/ ) also run groups for poz Gay men to talk about how to better deal with the very issues you raise.

As far as becoming depressed, I'm sure you already know or could find out, that your HIV Clinic whichever one it is can refer you directly to their own Psychology service, or refer you to one locally to where you live or work to get access to some one to one support.

I agree that it is more of a gay thing than an hiv thing. I think it is worse in bigger cities. I have spent most of my out/adult life between NYC and LA. Let me tell ya. Most guys are so pretentious and full of themselves. I can't relate to them at all. Not to mention how they take everything so "casual". I was diagnosed about 2 months ago. I thought, well, I couldn't meet guys when I was negative. Now it's going to be even worse now that I'm positive. I do want to fall in love again. I don't know when and I don't know how but I'm sure it will happen sooner or later. I have to take care of my ex of 5 years with his problems before I take care of my needs. But I try to keep a little hope so I don't give up on love. I deserve to be loved and so is everyone else. I think I have been watching sex and the city reruns way too much. Maybe I should change the channel. In a bit.

I agree that it is more of a gay thing than an hiv thing. I think it is worse in bigger cities. I have spent most of my out/adult life between NYC and LA. Let me tell ya. Most guys are so pretentious and full of themselves. I can't relate to them at all. Not to mention how they take everything so "casual".

But I try to keep a little hope so I don't give up on love. I deserve to be loved and so is everyone else. I think I have been watching sex and the city reruns way too much. Maybe I should change the channel. In a bit.

Just wanted to say I know how you feel. I'm kinda going through this now as a long termer. I can't seem to connect with hardly any HIV people in my city as big as it is. And the services seem extremely limited. I'm not into the bars, but have been thinking about joining a support group. Also, seeing my counselor twice a month has been invaluable to my well being.

I do have a close friend who moved to London with his partner about a year ago from San Francisco. He is HIV and his partner is not. He is having a rough time and is very lonely as his partner works all the time and has his own work friends. I've been a little concerned about him as I haven't heard from him for awhile. But either way, maybe you guys could be of help to each other! Just a thought.

They don't call it AIDS for nothing! NYC is extremely lonely as people who know my hiv status get uncomfortable at best. I amfine no need for depression diagnosis and dosing me with SSRI, it just is what it is and there is no way around it --- HIV is a rough hardly affordable condition in any way.

Gay men hate it and I have not met one gay man (that I did not know as a friend for over a decade or more already who know already) that did not shun me as in not returning calls etc. That makes sense from their survival point of view.

So like it was said "...more of a gay thing than an hiv thing... Most guys are so pretentious and full of themselves. I can't relate to them at all. Not to mention how they take everything so "casual". " it is true.

Since I got HIV from sex and I am in my late 40s thankfully I do not have to deal with men for sex nor even want sex 'cause it is kind gross. A lot of attention to HIV and death instead. gay men say ' you're a Debbie Downer' to whatever doesn't float their cock or cocky attitudes up. Let them do each other until the cows come home!

But yeah, as I put my head down to hide my sunken cheeks when attractive or coupled gay men walk by I realize I really would like to be able to have that again. To have not made the mistake. The unrecoverable error that separates hiv positive gay men from gay men. Even if one did love me I couldn't risk intimacy even though it is almost 99.9% improbable through kissing or whatever I would not take the chance with a negative person. Condoms and all are great but not for me with a loved one. Too many consequences in my head versus paying attention to his beauty and the making of love.

Yes. HIV kills me in many ways. But thanks to medicines I have bonus years and fears as we all do.

It's not my experience and I was born and bred in London and been out for 30 years, as well as living in other cities in Europe.

Big cities can be hard full stop no matter what your sexuality or HIV status.

Of course the gay 'scene' is pretty unrelenting in how many people on it behave - so what exactly is new about that, and how is London any different to anywhere else?You wanna be a queer and poz in Leicester or Lincoln or Glasgow or literally anywhere else in the UK, and really believe it is all so much more 'nurturing' and 'supportive'? I don't think so.

It is difficult. But there are excellent social groups and support facilities for poz gay men in London far and away better than in any other place in the UK.And my experience of Spain and Italy in particular makes me glad to be here and poz and not there.

But yes, every individual experience is different and that is about how each individual deals with being poz to start with.But allow it to define *you* and your life, and I believe you are on to a hiding to nothing.

Being gay/poz in London is fine for me. I guess it just depends on your networks and what you can/choose to do. The scene seems fine. It can be, of course, shallow. But there are lots of places where it isn't.

Oh, not me -- I'm always the most pretentious girl in a room so naturally I excelled as a Sodomite in Gotham. It's a bit like a children's playground... there's a section for little girls, and then there's the section for THE BIG GIRLS. If you want to play with the Big Girls you can't say you weren't warned.

Oh, not me -- I'm always the most pretentious girl in a room so naturally I excelled as a Sodomite in Gotham. It's a bit like a children's playground... there's a section for little girls, and then there's the section for THE BIG GIRLS. If you want to play with the Big Girls you can't say you weren't warned.

I think your bark is far worse than your bite. I bet under that ice cold exterior lies a cool rough interior shielding an only slightly less frigid core which potentially contains a feeling/emotion.

All kidding aside, for me it's not that I can't hang with the big dogs of bitchiness it's just that I don't want to. I find that in larger cities it seems like everyone is trying to one up each other on how horrible they can be to everyone they associate with.

you have to be out there, meet people and do things that interests you. finding mr. aint easy and can't be forced. but if you stay at home alone, that wont help. be active, be happy, make friends, and who knows, you and mr. right will find each other. i mean the man of your dreams of course. good luck.

Oh, not me -- I'm always the most pretentious girl in a room so naturally I excelled as a Sodomite in Gotham. It's a bit like a children's playground... there's a section for little girls, and then there's the section for THE BIG GIRLS. If you want to play with the Big Girls you can't say you weren't warned.

I have no idea what this means (the playground analogy, not that Philly is pretentious which I understand full well ). Maybe that's why I struggle to connect with other gay men. My experience isn't that being poz = being lonely. For me, the loneliness comes from a different set of experiences, situations and beliefs.

All this said, I do seem to notice -- at least in online profiles -- that more gay guys seem to be explicitly stating that they are "DDF" or "clean". Along with the ubiquitous "UB2" or "looking for same". It's almost like they couldn't be bothered with anyone who is positive. I wonder if they practice safe sex when they hook up. I'm amused at the guys who proudly state in their profiles that they are negative along with the date of their last test. I wonder if they also have the date of their last test for Hepatitis, Syphilis, etc.

Logged

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

I have no idea what this means (the playground analogy, not that Philly is pretentious which I understand full well ). Maybe that's why I struggle to connect with other gay men. My experience isn't that being poz = being lonely. For me, the loneliness comes from a different set of experiences, situations and beliefs.

All this said, I do seem to notice -- at least in online profiles -- that more gay guys seem to be explicitly stating that they are "DDF" or "clean". Along with the ubiquitous "UB2" or "looking for same". It's almost like they couldn't be bothered with anyone who is positive. I wonder if they practice safe sex when they hook up. I'm amused at the guys who proudly state in their profiles that they are negative along with the date of their last test. I wonder if they also have the date of their last test for Hepatitis, Syphilis, etc.

guys lie a lot. once a guy asked me about my status and i'd turn the question on him. he stated "i know i'm negative for i have papers." i said, "paper can be faked," and why should i believe him. he got upset and didn't reply. the UB2S and "clean" may just be liers also. i know for a fact that guys put their status as negative when i know they are positive. maybe they are lonely, or fear rejection, whatever, that what i see.

Need I remind folks that Manhunt and/or Adam4Adam isn't representative of the gay community, just one slice of it... and not in the most appealing of lights? If this is the only way you're interacting with other gay men then it's your own damn fault. Same goes with clubs and bars. They all have their utility, but maybe you're life would improve if you focused on some platonic friendships instead of being so focused on getting laid. It's as tedious as a queen in the 80's complaining that they can't find a boyfriend in the bath house.

Yes, I realize this sounds strange coming from Miss P but I lead a balanced life in terms of my gayness.

Getting back to being gay in a big city, well it's entirely what you make of it -- there exists many different "scenes" not just one. Maybe you're just not cut out for urban life. Nothing wrong with that.

Need I remind folks that Manhunt and/or Adam4Adam isn't representative of the gay community, just one slice of it... and not in the most appealing of lights? If this is the only way you're interacting with other gay men then it's your own damn fault. Same goes with clubs and bars. They all have their utility, but maybe you're life would improve if you focused on some platonic friendships instead of being so focused on getting laid. It's as tedious as a queen in the 80's complaining that they can't find a boyfriend in the bath house.

Yes, I realize this sounds strange coming from Miss P but I lead a balanced life in terms of my gayness.

Getting back to being gay in a big city, well it's entirely what you make of it -- there exists many different "scenes" not just one. Maybe you're just not cut out for urban life. Nothing wrong with that.

Its true, if your looking to share yourself with people on hook up sights and bars no wonder you feel lonely. Living in a larger city also affords you more choices to do other things. Gay softball, gay skiing, and other gay clubs are good ways to meet people. Go back to school or take classes somewhere, volunteer. My partner and I joined a group that meets once a month for dinners and is other gay couples. There is stuff to do.

Being Poz does not have to equal being lonely by any measure. Yes there are guys out there who will have an issue with your being poz, but for the most part, I think it has more to do with self-confidence than anything else. Perhaps whe one is diagnosed, their self-confidence takes a plunge, which would be a normal reaction. This lack of self confidence can manifest itself in many small ways that another person may notice, thereby turning them off.

I have never been much of a city dweller. Always tried to avoid them. I have found that in the larger cities, members of the gay community seems to be in competition with each other for everything. From wearing the right clothes, to having the right job, to living in the right area and driving the right car. Pretentiousness seems the order of the day. Whenever my travels have taken me to a large city ie; Boston, L.A., San Francisco, I have always found the gay community to be stand-offish once they realize that not only are you not a clone, you have no desire to be one. It's ironic that a community that prides itself on diversity and non-confomity is in reality one of the most rigidly conformist subcultures out there.

I would echo the feelings of others and suggest that you find alternative ways of meeting other guys like the gay bowling leagues, hiking groups etc. It's a more relaxed atmosphere, as well as you are all there because you have at least two things in common, being gay, and being into whatever activity the gruop represents. Good luck.

I have never been much of a city dweller. Always tried to avoid them. I have found that in the larger cities, members of the gay community seems to be in competition with each other for everything. From wearing the right clothes, to having the right job, to living in the right area and driving the right car. Pretentiousness seems the order of the day. Whenever my travels have taken me to a large city ie; Boston, L.A., San Francisco, I have always found the gay community to be stand-offish once they realize that not only are you not a clone, you have no desire to be one. It's ironic that a community that prides itself on diversity and non-confomity is in reality one of the most rigidly conformist subcultures out there.

Dearest Carlita, I must insist (as a city dweller of 25 years) that this isn't limited to the gay urban community, it also exists with heteros. I've never understood why gay people try and insist that certain things gay people singularly indulge in.

Dearest Carlita, I must insist (as a city dweller of 25 years) that this isn't limited to the gay urban community, it also exists with heteros. I've never understood why gay people try and insist that certain things gay people singularly indulge in.

I guess it just seems more apparent to the gays because there is no gender diversity, they are all literally exactly alike.

Blaming feelings of loneliness on being gay or HIV+ is a convenient excuse but in my experience most people who truly feel lonely are experiencing an internal problem, not one of circumstance. You can be heterosexual, HIV-, surrounded by family and friends and still feel disconnected, misunderstood, isolated, unloved, unappreciated or empty. Yes, there are challenges to being gay or being HIV+ but typically there is more to the story.

Loneliness is a human condition and the potential is there for everyone to experience it. It takes active participation to lead the life you want and blaming others for your own state of being is simply self-defeating. If you don't like the life you live, then do something to change it and change always starts from within.

It's as tedious as a queen in the 80's complaining that they can't find a boyfriend in the bath house.

::dead::

As La Ann would say: beer meet keyboard.

When it comes to relationships, people need to stop looking at their pozziness as if it were some scarlet letter. Being lonely, especially just because one is poz, is a personal choice --not some tragic twist of fate. It is deeper and more complex than just saying "I carry a plus sign after my HIV status hence I must die a rejected spinster with a few intrawebz acquaintances, six cats, and a bunch of empty Atripla bottles." It has very little to do with the size of the city or town that you inhabit, not much to do with the acquired disease, and a whole lot to do with self-acceptance and self-love.

If you can't love yourself how in the hell you gon' love somebody else?

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

guys lie a lot. once a guy asked me about my status and i'd turn the question on him. he stated "i know i'm negative for i have papers." i said, "paper can be faked," and why should i believe him. he got upset and didn't reply. the UB2S and "clean" may just be liers also. i know for a fact that guys put their status as negative when i know they are positive. maybe they are lonely, or fear rejection, whatever, that what i see.

I always state in my profiles I am HIV positive. I would rather just be open and honest so people don't waste my time. This way they know right off the bat and then its there choice whether they want to meet me. I could't live with my consous knowing I infected someone on purpose. I wouldn't wish this diosease on anybody. People need to just be honest./ Even if your poz you still have to practice safer sex cause you can catch another straijn which is bad news.

Even if your poz you still have to practice safer sex cause you can catch another straijn which is bad news.

They have done major research on that and can find no statistically significant evidence for that in unprotected anal sex between seropositive guys who are past seroconversion.The only evidence for multiple strain infection found is during seroconversion. Not after.Other STIs such as syphilis, gonorhea, clamydia, Hep B and Hep C are much more of a risk in unprotected sex between casual partners.

Truth be told, I would be lonely anywhere, any big city or small town. I remember the months before my Dx, I was about to come out of the frigging closet once and for all, I didn't care if the world knew. After the Dx that changed, why I would want to come out? to meet possible partners who will run away as soon as I disclose? to be the freaky poz gay of the family?.

I decided to put myself out of the game, at least with no sex I don't have to disclose anything. And besides, the thought of infecting someone else, or get re infected is too much for me.