Review: The Italian Stallion a.k.a The Sylvester Stallone Porno

Yep, you heard right. That 1970’s porno, the one that he got paid $200 to make and was shushed and hidden away for many a year thanks to Hollywood big wigs trying to protect the image of our muscle bound, gun toting, camouflaged, “Adriannn!!!” screaming friend, is now available through my online store… but here’s the thing, it’s not what you think. It’s um…. weird.

Really weird.

Like a bad art film with sex that doesn’t make any sense, and yet, it’s so intriguing you can’t help but watch.

From Sly frolicking in snow covered parks, splaying in an “I’m the king of the world” pose while atop a metal jungle gym (I wonder if James Cameron watched this just before making Titanic), to a bathing scene between Kitty and Stud that’s beyond awkward, it’s damn near mind boggling.

Add to that…

a shit tonne of pot smoking.

a naked pile up in front of a wonky fun house mirror.

“Stud” continually flexing while two girls fondle each other in front of him.

naked and fully clothed disco dancing for no apparent reason.

more pot smoking.

some of THE BEST booty clapping I’ve ever seen.

a random naked street flashing by a chick in a trench coat.

a guy getting a bj while eating a banana and talking about horse cock (I kid you not!).

two chicks standing with a Bull Mastiff then *poof* disappearing as quickly as they showed up (wtf!).

lots of hairy 70’s bush (not that I’m complaining).

even more pot smoking.

“Stud” violently beating Kitty with a belt for what feels like an eternity while voice over moans and squeals repeat in the background (for as much of a steroid induced rage fit it seems to be, it’s all fake).

naked ring-around-the-rosy.

a bunch of naked people sprawled out on a furry carpet passed out in what appears to be a cult suicide pact.

Of course it’s not very sexy, but shit, I don’t know of any others that are able to cram that much random tomfoolery into an hour and 6 minutes in a way that’s so wonderfully cringe worthy. I mean, captivating.

As for Rocky’s man bits, you do get to see them, quite often actually, however it’s never hard or raging, instead remaining in it’s flaccid state for every damn scene. Not cool Rocky, so not cool.

Oh, and regarding the sex: IT’S ALL SOFTCORE. There’s no sweat, no real ‘O’ faces, no money shots, no chemistry, no close ups of privates while bumping uglies… just the writhing around of naked bodies sprawled about on beds, couches, and plush 70’s fur carpeting. Booooorrrrinnnngggg.

And then there’s some of my choice quotes (the majority of which come from the mouth of our highly intelligent Kitty):

Kitty: *staring longingly out a window while wearing a pink fluffy negligee* “Ahh, I wish Stud would hurry up and get home, he’s so animalistic. I love getting him mad, it gets me so horny”.

Kitty: *awkward shower scene with soap, soap and more soap* “dropping the soap makes me get closer to my favourite parts of his body”. I wonder how many inmates have thought the same thing while incarcerated.

Kitty: *again staring longingly out a window while wearing a pink fluffy negligee* “Stud says you need to find peace within yourself, but he doesn’t know how much I like it when he gets rough with me“. Um, what?

Kitty: *while rolling a joint* “Stud say’s a girl hasn’t completed her education until she knows how to really lick a good joint“. And here I thought you rolled joints. Clearly I haven’t completed my education.

Stud: *just before getting a bj* “Be careful you bit me last time”Kitty: *on her knees in front of him* “I’ll be velvet mouthed on your shank of love!” *then erupts into an unscripted fit of giggles*. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. Amazing.

Whoops, wrong movie.

Even with all that to work with I have to admit, my favourite dialogue between the two includes some brilliant scripting, mostly because it’s almost as if the person writing it was psychic:

Stud: *staring forlorn into a mirror* “When are they gonna recognize me?”Kitty: “Soon everyone will know who you are.”Stud: “Screw it! I’m gonna get an ulcer over it…”Kitty: “Someday you’ll be known as the ‘Italian Stallion‘!!!”Stud: “Let’s get high.”

Ah yes, escapism at it’s very best. Brilliant! Fucking brilliant!

If you’re up for a roller coaster ride of a flick filled with wtf’s, nakedness, 70’s disco music, and Sly, without the heavily accented voice or facelifts he’s come to be known for, you can find the whole movie on my online store… you probably won’t get off while watching it, but being able to say you’ve seen Sly Stallone’s man bits just might be worth it.

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