Why We Hide Emotional Pain

Who hasn't had the experience of asking someone whether anything is wrong--for it's blatantly obvious from their expression or tone of voice that they're upset--only to have them respond: "No, I'm fine."? In such instances, clearly they're not fine but retreating into themselves to avoid a dialogue they fear might end up making them feel worse.

Tendencies toward denial, withdrawal, and self-isolation are common in reaction to deeply felt emotional pain. In fact, one clue that a person is feeling distressed may be in their becoming unusually quiet or shut down. Such silence speaks volumes, and generally the message is: "I'm not going to risk your hurting me more than you already have . . . so I'm putting a wall between us." On the contrary, it's also possible that the individual might suddenly become fidgety, restless, or hyper--attempting through activity to distract themselves from the hurt your words or behavior (however inadvertently) have caused them. Or they might unexpectedly lose their appetite, or start eating voraciously to "stuff" their feelings or numb their pain. And so on. After all, we have at our disposal all sorts of defenses to protect us from hurting.

The Many Varieties of Emotional Pain

Before going further, let's summarize all the different experiences associated with keenly felt emotional pain. Though the list below doesn't aim to be exhaustive, it probably includes most of the self-referencing assumptions or interpretations that lead to emotional wounding. All of these items relate to feeling, or somehow being made to feel:

There are many different reasons that we may endeavor to hide, or disguise, the emotional pain that comes in the wake of negative beliefs about ourselves evoked by a particular person or situation. But what they have in common is that they're all fear-induced.

Perhaps paramount among our tendencies to conceal our emotional fragility from others is the fear that exposing it would make us look weak to them--and, indeed, make us feel weak and powerless ourselves. We assume that frankly disclosing our hurt feelings would betray our susceptibility to them--and thus define ourselves as "one down" in the relationship, with all that might imply about placing them in a position to exploit us, or take advantage of us. It's as though in "exhibiting" our hurt we're forfeiting our personal power, relinquishing it to them to use over us in any way they deem fit.

There are probably some sexual differences here, too. Men, for example, are especially likely to avoid divulging wounded feelings for fear that doing so will compromise their felt sense of masculinity. And in fact they may have been made fun of as children for whimpering, weeping, or wailing. I've worked with many male clients who've talked about how they were tagged "sissies," "wimps"--even (horrors!) "girlies"--when in growing up they weren't able to suppress their softer, more tender emotions. In such cases, it becomes a matter of personal pride not to let others know they have within them a "soft underbelly" quite susceptible to others' words and actions. To them, keeping a stiff upper lip, and under no circumstances exposing their tender side, attests to their fortitude, "backbone"--an essential masculine strength.

Women, on the other hand, are much more likely to worry that disclosing their emotional distress may lead them to be told (particularly by their spouse) that they're too "thin-skinned"--or, more commonly, "too sensitive" (which, literally, adds insult to injury). To examine another unfortunate aspect of this situation, men frequently react to their spouse's tears with considerable discomfort, even anger. However unconsciously, their partner's emotional outpouring makes them feel guilty, or at least responsible. And beyond this, if as children to show their more fragile emotions was to be harshly judged or ridiculed, they may experience an irresistible need to emotionally distance themselves from their wives whenever their partner exhibits the kind of behavior they can't help but identify with their own parents' disapproval and rejection.

Independent of our early experiences, most of us are concerned that revealing hurt feelings might lead others to react negatively. And we certainly don't want to risk turning anyone off by such "displays" of vulnerability. Nor do we wish to be viewed as childish--or, at worst, pathetic--because, seemingly at least, we've lost control over our emotions. (As a caveat, however, I should add that it does make sense--and at times may be imperative--to avoid exposing emotional vulnerability in various professional situations.)

If we're codependent (i.e., feeling more responsible for the feelings of others than for our own), we may also fear that freely expressing our emotions could launch some kind of emotional contagion. Afraid that openly letting out our hurt might somehow be infectious, we may hold it in, unwilling to take the chance of making anyone else upset.

And then there's the fear that fully releasing our emotional pain might make us look ridiculous, or in some way abnormal. What if others don't--or can't--understand why we're in such pain, or grasp its magnitude? Will we not look foolish to have unconstrainedly let out our feelings? At the very least we might feel awkward and embarrassed, concerned that our uninhibited "emoting" might lead others to take us less seriously than they might have otherwise. We certainly don't want to be perceived as overreactive, and so have our feelings discounted or dismissed.

The bottom line here is that we don't trust that others (or our "significant" other) will--by responding to our open-heartedness in caring, supportive ways--safeguard or validate our vulnerability. Additionally, we may not trust ourselves to successfully cope with their response, whatever it is. And, assuming we're in self-protective mode, we're certainly not going to offer them the opportunity to make us feel any worse than we may already be feeling.

Perhaps the final irony in all this is that, culturally, it's considered stoical to hold in our more tender emotions. Not to show vulnerability is typically viewed as a strength, a "demonstration" of character. But in reality the major motives in hiding our emotions are (as I've already indicated) fear-based. We're just afraid to look weak or susceptible to others. Paradoxically, though, unashamedly disclosing our vulnerability can actually be a deliberate personal statement of both sensitivity and--yes--courage (see, e.g., my 3-part post "The Power to Be Vulnerable"— #1#2 #3 ).

So What’s to be Done?

Having explored many of the reasons why we hide our emotional pain from others, in closing I’d like to suggest the primary reason not to. In brief, if we don’t let others know that what they’ve said or done has hurt us, they’re likely to continue doing exactly what they have been. For typically the main cause of their inflicting emotional pain on us is their being insufficiently sensitive to--or aware of--our soft spots. Maybe not always, but most of the time their motives aren’t at all vindictive or malignant.

Consequently, if we truly want to make others more attuned to our vulnerable feelings, we need to manifest them physically and express them verbally. Finally, we can’t much blame others for their insensitivity toward us. Their level of sensitivity is simply where they are right now. And so, ultimately, it’s our responsibility to assist them in becoming more aware of and responsive to our feelings. Unless we’re willing to go out on an emotional limb and reveal our vulnerability, they may never be able to cultivate the empathy and support we crave from them. Undoubtedly, if we want them to make every effort to better comprehend where we’re especially raw and tender, they need our feedback and guidance far more than they do our silence and emotional withdrawal.

Still, unless we’re able to develop the ability to self-soothe and self-validate (again, see my “The Power to be Vulnerable”) in the absence of external reassurance or comforting, it’s probably not going to be tenable for us, unabashedly, to discharge our feelings. It’s absolutely key that we not so much grow a thicker skin (though this might definitely help!) but become determined and resolute enough to hold our emotional ground--confident that we have within us what can make it safe to express hurtful feelings. For (1) they’re an essential part of who we are, (2) letting them out really can’t victimize us unless we let ourselves be at the effect of another’s reactions, and (3) we’re now able to regard our feelings as valid, independent of anyone else’s response.

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The fact is, no matter what losses the well spouse feels, the well spouse reckons that his or her losses don’t rival the losses of the ill one. The well spouse is healthy. The ill spouse is sick. The well spouse can do everything that he or she always did, and think everything that he or she always did, and feel everything normally. The ill spouse, not so much. I can’t imagine a single well spouse would honestly and happily trade places with the ill spouse for all the money in the world.
Great piece, but you're missing a key factor. That is, the person who is suffering emotional pain because they don't want to feel like they're piling-on in the emotional life of the person to whom they might share.

I see this a lot with well spouses of chronically ill partners.
To be angry or sad in front of your ill spouse? To show the aggression that you actually feel toward the illness? To share honestly that your anger and sadness, and depression and frustration and feeling of hopelessness, comes about because of them, in large part? No way.

Talk about emotional piling on!

And sadly, from what I hear from many couples where there’s a sick spouse and a well spouse, the sick spouse does react to the well spouse being honest as emotional piling on.

So after an attempt or two? The well spouse shuts up, out of self-protection.

My mom was emotionally abusive. Hiding what you liked, dislike was a way to not have what you liked taken away.

Hiding your feeling by being non-responsive to attacks was a great way to not let her know what your real buttons are, so she couldn't hurt you more.

There is a danger: the only way to really lie is to believe it yourself. So at some point you have to untangle from your own lies to yourself. But it does work as a survival mechanism when necessary.

I have alos found that it's hard to explain how you feel to people. They don't always want to hear the truth. Why aren't you seeing your family for christmas: "My mom hates the fact that I exist. She's never told me why, but just the sight of me makes her aggressive." The answer: "It can't be true, all mothers love their children. She loves you and you know that you love her too". The more you try to explain, the more people will tell you that you are wrong. It just gets frustrating.

Except the other day, an old neighbor contacted me on Facebook. She said: "I go back sometimes, I never see your mom out, just your dad, sometimes he goes for walks. You know, I only played outside with you, because and didn't want to go inside, I was just so afraid of your mom, she froze me!" I smiled, I guess you had to be there to understand.

There is no way to explain fear of your mother to others. They just don't get it. Just like it took me many many years to understand why grown up people would get spaghetti sauce from their moms. And it's not the explanation that helped, it's seeing it in action. Really, there was no danger in accepting spaghetti sauce from their moms, some moms are just being nice for the sake of it. There is no price to pay for accepting it.

When your down in not the right time to help others become empathic. It's time to auto-protect until you build back your health to go out and enjoy sharing the beautiful summer.

Thanks for your wise comment. Given the focus of my post, I really couldn't get into all the circumstances where it would be foolish (or worse) to expose your feelings to another--though I did include the caveat that it's not always appropriate to "publicly" divulge feelings. But your comment is very well taken, gives a good example as to when it IS necessary to hold in feelings, and should be helpful to other readers, too. For as important as it may be to share oneself deeply with others--for one's physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual health--one still needs to exercise a certain caution in doing so.

I appreciate your article and how it encourages one to sort of beef up one's inner defenses to the point where one could cry in front of another and not worry about what they think.

I would just like to add one reason I never wanted to cry in front of men (I'm a woman), is that it seems to be a common belief that women use tears to manipulate men.

If I'm crying, I'm not manipulating, but the thought of breaking down (looking foolish and unattractive to boot) and THEN being accused of faking the emotion to some degree is just more than I can stand.... so I rarely cry. I don't cry in front of other women, either if I can avoid it.... I don't like being that vulnerable.

I enjoyed reading your article. As a human, I have used these tactics quite a bit! I have also spent a great deal of time and energy trying to be open, vulnerable, and use disclosure in my relationships which is where I'm enountering problems. It seems the more up front and honest I try to be, the more others retreat using the ways you describe in your article. I seem to have "lost" several friendships in where I felt I was honest about my thoughts and feelings and now...crickets. They say in the moment that they understand but it somehow creates a rift and consequently, withdrawl. How does one wishing to create closeness through vulnerability, openness, and disclosure not offend and "run-off" the other person and more importantly, how do I continue to want to be open when I feel so rejected for it?

Self-disclosure is important, just as it's important to allow yourself to be vulnerable in relationships. However, if you're being upfront and sincere is hurting your relationships, it may be because your self-disclosure and/or candidness is somehow premature, too intimate, or too intense.

What kind of family did you grow up in? That's where we learn what's appropriate and what's not. if your family wasn't "normal" in this respect, it may be that you're not sufficiently "practiced" in reading social cues that might tell you how far you can safely go with divulging confidential matters to others. In which case getting some counseling relating to boundaries and the development of better interpersonal skills might be invaluable.

This is an intelligent conversation; thank you. I'm adding something about my late mother's relationship with her third husband. He divorced her at age 84 (he was much younger) and at that time, there were feelings disclosed. She suffered from chronic back pain and he said, listening to her complaints was unpleasant and depressing. She might have been less shocked by the divorce if he was honest all along. On his side, he said she never remembered (denied) what he said if it undermined her reality. I don't feel close to someone who isn't honest. Better to have real communication. In my mother's case, she had trouble being open and exploring feelings with her husband (and me).

Its because there are people out there looking for ways to get one on others, by finding out where their buttons are and once they know they can push them whenever it suits them. There are also those who go around offering emotional support and can extract information that way and they then hover around wanting returned favours etc. Another reason to hide it is wanting to fix it oneself rather than having someone else take it upon themselves to play nurturer, thats more of a blow to one's sense of strength then showing the emotion.

This society is too emotionally restrained, its ok to be in a bad mood if its a kind of pissed off bad mood due to something not going ones way. Anger used to be more tolerated than what it is today. It appears emotions like sadness and anxiety are least tolerated and these are the ones that harm others less, it makes me wonder if its all about punishing the emotions that are more associated with women.

I know i can be angry bc im angry and find people identify with me, but one time when my gran was in hospital i masked the worry by appearing angry that day and it was like people could still see i was not angry and was masking the forbidden type of emotions and reactions were different. I know the times in my life ive been treated worse are when ive been emotionally upset over either someone being ill or a break up.

I agree with all the sentiments in the article. I'm a woman, but I relate to both the "masculine" and "feminine" reasons not to show emotion. I find that even if I'm by myself, if I feel sadness or another "weak" emotion I reflexively begin to laugh. Perhaps the most relatable point to me was about power - not wanting to give others that kind of power over you, fear that your weakness will be their gain.

I'd add though that even in a situation where I know I will not be mocked and I know that I will not be taken advantage of our looked down (i.e. therapy), I still do not show emotion, and in this case it is because I do not want to encourage a closer relationship. I have a similar discomfort when others (for instance, friends) are upset. On the one hand, I know I should attend to the emotion, but if I do I worry I will get 'drawn in' and that we would become uncomfortably close.

Someone there mentioned "wanting to fix it oneself", and I could relate a lot. Having myself a considerable trouble regulating emotions (I cry at inappropriate times and intensity, to the point of being interpreted as a manipulator), the less unhealthy way seems to be sorting feelings and processing them on my own. Disclosure only leads to pain when having no clue what to do with emotional dysregulation, and communication issues lead to as much resentment as bottling feelings. I really wish to do disclosure as a normal person, because I'm aware my way of coping causes aggresion no matter what.

I'm glad there's an article that focuses on explaining the mechanics, rather than just telling "just be more emotionally available".

As a general rule, my experience has been that it is best to keep negative emotions -- anger, fear, sadness, loneliness -- to yourself. This doesn't mean you must be silent. It's okay to tell somebody in a dispassionate manner you don't like something they've done, for instance. But if you show anger about it, generally speaking you are making a mistake. Or if you show fear, as opposed to calmly expressing caution or describing a plan to take steps to deal with a risky situation, you are making a mistake. And so on.

If you have positive emotions -- happiness, love, respect, etc -- it's fine to show those. But while you may use some non-emotional method of alluding to any negative emotions you have, in my personal experience it's best to keep them to yourself. Say you're sad in a neutral voice, sure. But don't start crying. If you do, you'll be sorry. People don't like being exposed to negative emotions and they'll dislike you for it. This has been my experience. Any time I show anger, fear, grief, loneliness, etc., I later regret it and wish I'd just kept my feelings to myself. I wish I were better at doing just that.

Of course, this counter to what a lot of people will tell you. And there are some unusual circumstances where it may be okay or even preferable to go ahead and show someone your anger, or fear. And kids can show these emotions too. Women too, perhaps. But if you're an adult male like me, this is not usually the case.

Perhaps in an ideal world people would not respond negatively to the expression of these types of emotions. But in this world, when it comes to expressing negative emotions, it's best not to. You will do better if you can find some unemotional way to express these concerns. That's been my experience. I rarely show anger, fear, grief, loneliness, etc without wishing I hadn't.

I feel that because I am that person who always appears happy, when I get devastated or whatever, it would put others in a bad mood. So I hold it in so others can have the happiness I continue to search for.

This makes me a good friend, but it screws with me, I can sort of feel my mental state deteriorating.

Don't be afraid to show negative emotion. Yes you may be misunderstood, and get disapproving looks etc. but at least you are been true to your self and its a part of yourself you have been hiding. Who knows it may encourage others who are struggling with sharing difficult feelings to open up.

I remember being the object of affection from two people, one of them wanted my body and friendship, the other wanted my heart and my friendship. I was committed to being single for many personal reasons and did not notice the signals from the one that wanted something deeper.

I slept with her closest friend, after my boundaries on relationships were made clear. I didn't know how much I had hurt this person but once I did, all the details I missed began pouring in. It was like waking up from a dream. I also had realize that I had romantic interest for her as well, but did not act on them BC I just had my heart broken the year prior and had my own walls up as well as not taking them seriously because I assumed it to be meaningless infatuation.

Anyway, even though it wasn't really my intention or my negligence, I did apologize as well as express my romantic feelings for her, which at first, we're unknowable and foreign to me. In this conversation, she showed her lack of emotional expression with being short and dry with her responses, but just a couple weeks before was trying to make me jealous.

I cannot understand this for the life of me, how someone can pine for someone, step back and let their friend have the person they want, then when that person comes in and reveals that they realized what was going on, still hide their emotions from you. To this degree at least. I want to understand so that I can show her that I care and communicate that I just couldn't have known right off the bat. I want to understand it so that I can help other people if this ever happens again, in any capacity or circumstance.