Another day, another existential crisis

According to Wikipedia, an existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. I suspect most people will have many moments in which they question elements of life. Thanks to (or not) my quick mood transitions I have one at least twice a week, and for me they aren’t ‘moments’ but hours, as I fixate on every little detail and it just runs on repeat in my head. Think of it like that really awful song stuck in your head, that no matter how hard you try and how many other things you listen to, you just can’t get rid of for hours and it drives you nutty! Today I will share with you an example of one of mine that happened recently, which I decided to write down. This particular one went around and around for about 3 hours during the night, so it kept me awake for some time. The purpose of me sharing this is not to bum anyone out, so I apologise if it does! It’s simply to give more of an insight into the borderline mind, and hopefully people who struggle with similar experiences will feel less alone. It might be a bit messy, as I did write quite late, but I didn’t want to edit it (with the exception of removing expletives) because that would kind of defeat the purpose.

Seriously, what is the point of life? We rely on money to survive and nearly everything comes at a price. To pay that price, you have to work, and often not even in positions we like or enjoy. We just HAVE to do it. Some people work so, so hard, but still can’t afford to have or do nice things, such as have time off to spend with the family or go on a nice family holiday, which they most definitely deserve. Of course, money doesn’t equal happiness, however it’s starting to seem like this is the way it’s going. It’s such a chore, and when you aren’t good at doing those chores anymore because old age has started to catch up with you, you are forced into retirement to live out the rest of your days, stiff and leaky, feeling like a 21 year old inside but too fragile on the outside to really do much but watch the world around you. Then there is the worst curse of all, memory loss! After a life-time of accumulating memories, good and bad, loosing them (in my opinion), is just a cruel, twisted trick. If you eat healthy and exercise plently, you might get a few more years with family and friends, and better health, but it sometimes seems the healthier food is, the less good it tastes. And when you are working all hours God sends to provide for your family, where does the time for excerise fit in? Then when your time is up, poof… gone. May as well have enjoyed those pizzas while you still could, y’know?
We live for moments and memories, but why can’t they be more than moments? I feel that with the amount of stress everyone has to go through in life, only to then die at the end of it, they deserve more! At the very least, it would be nice if you could keep something at the end of it… such as your memories or the ability to watch your little legacies; your children, grow old. Otherwise we are just living for literally nothing. This is assuming there is no afterlife of course, which as a woman of science I am inclined to believe there is not (but people are entitled to their own opinions on the matter!) as much as I wish otherwise. It all just seems very unfair to me. Life brings with it so much suffering and pain that sometimes it feels more like a punishment. What did we do to deserve it?
I often wish more from life; less hurt, less hatred, less poverty, less illness, less greed, more love and happiness, less need for money, more equality, etcetera, but unfortunately this isn’t how life works is it? We just have to make the best of what we have, where we can. So, hold on to those moments and memories really goddamn tight, write a journal, take lots of photos, save money where you can to make ‘special’ memories, and live as healthily as you desire without sacrificing enjoyment and happiness, because one day it’ll be gone.

Well that is that! I’m sure I could have written a lot more for 3 hours of stewing about life, even right now in a relatively steady mood I could think of things to put in, but I won’t! I think this is quite enough negativity for one day… so I shall finish up with a photo I found on Pinterest recently of quite possibly the happiest micropig in the world eating an ice-cream at a tiny bench.