A Piece of Tape Too Far

An Open Letter to the Parking Nazi at 217 (or is it 229, Who can tell?) Harrison in Oakland, CA.

As you and I both know, I park in front of your building when I drive to work. I park there because there are always spots there. You have done such an effective job of scaring everyone away, there is always a spot. You must realize it is your fault that I infuriate you so much.

(For those of you coming late to this party, 217 Harrison has a banked curb leading to 4 loading docks; 3 of these docks have been converted to office walls or doors, making them LEGAL parking spots. The office puts flyers on cars, trying to intimidate them into leaving. I love knowing that 95% of the time I have a spot waiting for me.)

I returned to my car recently, finding 2 new notes. There was they typical “NO! NO! NO!” flyer, which is often found in on the sidewalk around the neighborhood. There was also a note, loaded with vitriol, about how you’ve told me many times not to park where I park. There was also paper taped to my driver’s side window saying “Tow this car!”

I think it is time we clear the air. For the last several days there have been no flyers on the cars parked where I often park. Are these your cars or have you been ill? If you have, I hope you feel better. I’m neither vindictive or evil, contrary to what you believe. I feel sorry for you. Your parents must not have taught you the hard lessons about sharing. Did you scream when other kids touched your toys? It must have been lonely not having friends as a child. The public parking spots on Harrison Street are not yours alone, you really need to share them. I can only surmise sharing is foreign to you. I would also point out that putting flyers all over car does not make you my friend. It does, however, make your passive aggressive and inconsiderate.

Let’s not talk bullshit about how the (mythical, magical) truck needs to park parallel and therefore you are saving me from being blocked in.

Trucks back up to loading docks

Trucks block traffic all the time in our neighborhood

I have never, ever, ever seen a truck at your location

Let’s not forget the time you told me, in our only conversation that you needed access to the windows 8 feet off the ground, which told you was ridiculous

Go ahead, block me in. I work till after 5, often after 6. What truck driver is leaving your business that late? That’s right. None.

I won’t minimize the fact that you want these spots all to yourself (or possibly your firm.) Its an admirable, if misguided goal. The fact remains that these are public spots and the signs you have posted are not legal. You do not own the street and any implicit easement was eliminated when your firm build walls rendering the loading docks ornamental. The parking authority won’t write tickets for the spot I park in and tow trucks won’t be towing me based on your note. The past 18 months of results bear all this out.

Perhaps you had an “incident” and your sense of reality is skewed. Did you take the brown acid at Woodstock? seriously, you were warned. Let me help you in ways your parents and coworkers clearly have not. Your notes and wishes won’t change reality. The fact that you don’t want people parking there won’t make it illegal. I want to win the lottery. Just because I want to, won’t make it so. Nevertheless, my odds of success are far higher than yours. Rather than tilting at windmills, perhaps you’d be happier accepting reality and getting on with your life. This isn’t the Twilight Zone and you won’t wake up tomorrow finding that your misguided sense of reality is the new truth. Grow the fuck up.

How sad must your life be if you spend this much time placing flyers on cars that aren’t yours? I’ve seen your work on other vehicles and more importantly, all over the neighborhood. Clearly you realize that we work near the water and the wind kicks up in the afternoon, cascading your inane flyers over several blocks. I’m guessing the police are looking for you. With all the green initiatives in the Bay Area, how do you sleep at night knowing you are a major litter contributor, let alone resource waster? Have you no consideration for the forests you’ve decimated and the trees you’ve condemned to be part of your folly?

I think you would be better off finding a new hobby. I don’t think it would be out of line to suggest you start fostering cats. Start with one, and with your obsessive nature you can add more. Clearly, you will agree that being a crazy cat lady is far better than your fixation on my parking habits. Let’s be honest, you’ll probably have more friends as the Crazy Cat Lady than you will as the Parking Nazi. Or at least you’ll have cats. And Grumpy Cat on the internet.

Of course if you really wanted to have my car towed, you would have called a tow company. And since the car isn’t yours the liability you and your company would face in the light of an illegal seizure would be monumental. It appears that the note you put on my car is a feeble attempt at drawing unsuspecting innocents into your fantasy. I think it is time you gave up on this fantasy, became and adult and embraced reality.

As I have tried to empathetic to your plight, I know your therapy bills are probably much higher than any plan your company provides, I feel I must be honest with you. You have annoyed me far more than you have a right to. I’ve stopped finding your notes funny, silly or sad. That you have gone so far as to use tape on my car, I feel that your behavior encroaches on battery or defacing of property. My car is my property and it is not your bulletin board. Any further defacement of my vehicle will result in my filing charges with the police and ultimately lead to a civil suit. I am actually considering a class action suit. You have badgered many people and I’m only too happy to find them and develop a much larger action. Do you really think all the people you’ve pissed off don’t care?

This is a warning. My attorney is only too happy to proceed on my next phone call.

I hope you are feeling better. Perhaps your therapist should increase your Xanax. You might suggest that on your next visit.