The FedEx Guide to Self-Forgiveness

When you absolutely, positively have to forgive yourself overnight.

You promised yourself you wouldn't have another piece of chocolate cake…

You convinced yourself it was okay to hide some papers from the tax man…

Or you just had a peep at some dubious website…

And the sheer awfulness guts you with guilt and sinks you with shame.

But it's not just that.

Your family and friends would never forgive you if they knew half of what you do.

Every time you slip up…

Every time it's just you alone with your little dark secret…

You feel like a real loser, a jerk. You've failed again.

Are you ever going to change?

Can you ever forgive yourself?

Yes, according to psychologist Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, and author of Forgive for Good.

The biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness may be our tendency to wallow in our own guilt.

Luskin discovered that the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness may be our tendency to wallow in our own guilt. "It's not just that we feel bad because we know we've done wrong," he explains. Everybody does that. But some of us actually draw those bad feelings around ourselves like a blanket, cover our heads and refuse to stop the wailing.

Instead of taking responsibility for what we've done by trying to repair the damage or search for help, many of us unconsciously decide to punish ourselves by feeling miserable for the rest of our lives.

Which gives us the tacit approval to continue to slip up… and so the cycle continues.

The Forgiveness Prayer

So what can you do about it?

Jewish tradition addresses this with a prayer to say every night, just before falling asleep:

I hereby forgive anyone who annoyed me or mocked me, or who sinned against me whether physically, financially, or hurt my honor or anything else of mine. Whether accidentally, willingly, unintentionally or intentionally; whether in speech or in action, in this life or any other. And no person should be punished because of what they did to me.

It's a wonderful prayer – therapeutic, cleansing, purifying. Finishing the day like that puts things into perspective.

You don't have to take yourself so seriously. You don't have to stew over slights or affronts to your status or ego. It clears your mind and soul so you can sleep calmly – and rise refreshed.

As Rabbi Zelig Pliskin writes: "When we forgive others, we help ourselves as much as we help those whom we forgive. We are elevating ourselves and will feel much better when we forgive, than if we would keep on adding more and more resentment."

I'm not talking only about making amends with others. I'm also talking about the ways we harm ourselves, with no one else directly involved. How can you forgive yourself for those recurring mistakes, those serial "sins" you've been guilty of for years?

You eat yourself up for days, brooding, putting yourself down, despairing of ever climbing out of the pit you've dug for yourself.

All that self-chastisement inhibits your life, makes you depressed and restricts any growth or personal development. Not to mention how it affects your health or how you react to those around you.

But let's be honest. You're probably not the Wicked Witch of the West, Darth Vader or The Joker. You're a soul created in the image of God. And you are allowed to forgive yourself.

Herein lies the power of that nightly prayer. Let's read it again, but a little differently this time:

I hereby forgive myself for getting annoyed or mocking myself for something I did today, or for sinning against myself whether abusing my body, finances or damaging my honor or anything else. Whether accidentally, willingly, unintentionally or intentionally; whether in speech or in action, in this life or any other. And I should not be punished because of what I did to myself or anyone else.

Of course, you have to express genuine remorse and come up with serious intentions and a self-control plan to do better. And of course you have to apologize to anyone you've offended or hurt.

Here's the second part of the prayer:

May it be Your Will, my God and the God of my ancestors, that I should not err again and should not repeat my mistakes, and that I shouldn't anger You any more or do bad in Your eyes. In Your great mercy may You erase the mistakes I have made, but not through suffering or terrible disease. May the words of my mouth and the feelings of my heart be acceptable to You, my Rock and Redeemer.

But adopting this prayer as a daily habit will go a long way to calming you down and helping you forgive yourself.

So why not start saying it - and thinking about it - tonight?

Place your soul in the FedEx envelope and send it to God.

He'll look after it for you overnight and return it first thing in the morning – pure, clean, refreshed and full of new opportunity.

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About the Author

Danny Verbov specializes in writing and producing beautifully crafted legacy books, transmitting a family's history, values and messages to their future generations. Contact him at dverbov@014.net.il or through his Facebook page.

Visitor Comments: 15

(15)
Ady,
March 26, 2011 8:24 AM

Great...

This artical was /is really great in that - A) it is a different way of using the Shema prayer, not just for the start and middle of the day but also for the end, and not lest - B) the forgiveness side of things. This is always an issue that all have to deal with day by day, even if we think we or others are short of short comings. Thank you for this really good idea.

(14)
L.S.,
January 7, 2011 3:34 AM

Excellent!

Mr. Verbov,
What an excellent article you have written! Very wise, insightful, and inspirational! Not to mention, *exactly* what I needed right now as I set out to follow my secular New Year resolutions! God bless you!

(13)
David Greenberg,
January 6, 2011 3:35 PM

Thank you

Thank you so much for the Bedtime Shema. It touches me. I think I will use it.

(12)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2011 11:04 PM

Superb!

This article really touched me!
I am in a pen pal program so I am writing to a couple of Jewish inmates in US jails. I just translated this article into Spanish and I am about to share it with them. I am sure it will make a huge difference in their lives.
Thank you so much for writing it, Danny!
(If Aish.com is interested in my Spanish version of this article, please, send me an email, as I will be more than happy to share it so it can also be published on the Spanish version of this website. Thank you.)

(11)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2011 6:29 AM

smack on the nose! That is my problem.

This has captured my root problem and I hope this is a good start for me in 2011.

(10)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2011 12:37 AM

I love the Bedtime Shema. It is one of the loveliest ways to forgive and be forgiven by Hashem, actually the One that we may have offended the most. When I have done something that was offensive and I identified it, I apologized for it, prostrated myself and sought forgiveness and vowed to never do it again. So far, I believe that I have done that and it is not to brag in saying it... I have just learned to try harder and I want only pleasing to Hashem words to issue from my mouth by which my soul and conscience speak. In recent emails I hope that I have explained myself in a kind and thoughtful way. I want to speak to one person to see if he was able to understand the reason and the kindness that I think I put in. That remaining to be seen and discussed, I look forward to life, communication and growing friendly acquired characteristics that will guide me and help to unfold my life into a better one. Brura

(9)
Hanna,
January 3, 2011 12:26 AM

Good

I like this.

(8)
ruth housman,
January 2, 2011 3:15 PM

the hidden arrow

Hi again, I just want to add one more thing. As in AMORE, there is always something MORE, when it comes to loving oneself and not being to self-punitive. If you look carefully at the FED EX sign you will see an arrow buried within. Many have noticed this and it is deliberate but surely there and not there.
And so it is with G_d, the hidden face of G_d. We all do experience epiphanies, a sudden awareness, that G_d is so totally in the wings. At other times we forget, or lose that feeling of wonder, and even, do wonder, what happened to this certitude?
But it's always there, that arrow, and, as arrows are to direction, we are being directed forward. And as arrows are to a rose, and in a row, so it is, we are beautiful in our amazing unique and special gifts!

(7)
Leah,
January 2, 2011 3:10 PM

possible answer for comment#2 anonymous "A question about this prayer"

"May no man be punished on my account". I believe it is explained in the article. it means that we all make mistakes and do things against others that are harmful to them whether they are intentional ar not. We pray that no one is hurt and suffers by what we have done to them. May they not be punished because of us. Perhaps we led them astray and CAUSED THEM to sin. We, perhaps caused them to steal or speak loshon hora or ?

(6)
ruth housman,
January 2, 2011 2:56 PM

FED EX

I think it's so great you used this word, in the context of this piece, that is so lovely. Why? Because you began with that piece of cake that was too much. Well there is FED, as in what we feed ourselves in the word, FED EX itself. And to truly feed ourselves, is to recognize that we do deserve to forgive ourselves at times, and not be so unforgiving, as we often are.

(5)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2011 2:51 PM

Thank you.

Thanks for this article. Just last week I was talking to someone who is being very hard on themselves and I tried to tell the person that we have to be forgiving of our sins (if we really have remorse and do something to change the situation) just as we expect Hashem to forgive us. I'm forwarding this article to that person. Thanks again.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2011 2:42 PM

Remorse etc. first .. then .. forgiveness.

Danny, are you suggesting an addition which starts, "I hereby forgive myself.." to the regular text? I understand your point but I think that *before* I forgive myself, I should "express genuine remorse and come up with serious intentions and a self-control plan to do better".
Do you have any sources to support your idea?

(3)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2011 2:38 PM

woderful..thank you

what a wonderful article- just what i needed to shake myself out of a depression- i made some serious mistakes, and continue to wallow in self-pity- my life won't change unless I forgive myself, and allow myself to move on.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2011 11:30 AM

A question about this prayer

In the Siddur I have (Tehillas Hashem Nusach Ha-Ari Zal), publ. by Otsar Sifrei Lubavitch, this prayer contains the words "any Israelite," in the following context: ". . . I hereby forgive anyone . . .--any Israelite; may no man be punished on my account." This has always bothered me, but I haven't had an opportunity to seek an explanation. What is the purpose in qualifying the prayer thus? Can someone please explain this in a WIDER context?

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...