One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dammit

Crumpled on the floor listening to the clock go tick tock, tick tock, an ambulance whizzes by in the distance. Has it come to retrieve my heart? Take it away! Begone with it! Throw it onto the fire. I have no use for it anymore... this crumpled black thing churning in my chest gurgling and spewing sludge before the ash. The last remnants of my life force reduced to an inky black tar. Sluicing through my veins like an infinite serpent slithering its way into wrapping around my insides. Squeezing my guts like a sponge and crushing my ribs as if they were made of toothpicks. For what is my purpose if there is nothing shiny to look at? For whom do I scratch flowery musings onto this parchment? And why don't I hear the wail of the ambulance anymore? For whence has it gone? Another fraulein perhaps. Another crumpled pixie tangled up in hair and sadness. Another tiny breath in the darkness trying to pick up the shattered pieces of what used to be inspiration. Pieces too tiny to glue back together. Tiny shards to be swept up and shaken around in cupped hands before being thrown against the computer screen where hopefully they'll piece themselves together into an overly melodramatic blog about a reality show. Le sigh. Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our tragic tale with the night hanging thick around us. A lone bat sits high up in a tree and waits for her camp companions to return home safely. When she finally hears their footsteps in the sand, she spreads her wings and flutters away to the tent where she is most likely to get a contact opium high. The tent of the 'Dimpled One' with its chiffon mosquito nets, beaded curtains and melancholy lute players sprinkled across hand woven rugs is where she'll spend the night tonight. Back at Edamame (Enil Edam) the only contact high one can hope for is from the manly musk wafting off of the Three Amigos. Dame Reynold, in particular, is especially intoxicating this midsummer's eve. Surrounded by the six sycophants his best mate Golden Boy (Malcolm) just cuckolded, the Dame basks in the glory of safety. He signs autographs, blushes appropriately and tucks the pair of panties offered to him by Calgon (Dawn) deep into his pocket. Tis good to be a Dame tonight. Tis very good indeed.

Similarly, Golden Boy is also feeling a sense of pride and rightly so. It wasn't easy to finance the corporate takeover of Slurp-R-Futz, but he pulled it off and now he can wheel that executive chair out into the ocean once and for all. Edamame is finally through with board meetings, through with H.R. seminars and, most importantly, through with Panty Casual Fridays. Shaggy poodle Erik is grateful for the takeover and immensely satisfied with the changes around the office. No longer does he have to avoid looking everyone in the eye and keep his head down at his desk. Golden Boy has released him from the copy machine and now he is free to socialize with his colleagues at TGI Friday's Happy Hour like he always wanted. But not all of Edamame is pleased with the corporate takeover. Bespectacled fop Cochran puts on a brave face on the outside, but on the inside his anxiety levels and allergies are all a jumble of confusion and concern.

The next morning, as reality begins to set in and the executive chair washes ashore covered in seaweed and barnacles, the remaining Scruff-R-Nuts find themselves exhausted and spent. The candy jar at reception is empty, the vending machines offer nothing but cobwebs, and all that remains in the coffee can are some guano and post-its. With the mood bleak and the sky gray, the gloom is much too much for Mowgli (Brenda). What was once quiet and meek suddenly erupts into weeping and snot as Mowgli breaks down and succumbs to the hunger that is ravaging everyone. Naturally, Calgon's motherly instinct kicks in and she does what every TV mom does - she rushes to get a glass of questionably clean water because, as we all know, water fixes everything. We've seen it before on the silver screen. A heroine breaks down and she's weirdly offered a glass of water as a remedy. Oh, your son died? Here, have a glass of water. The aliens abducted your baby? Here's a nice refreshing glass of water to make it all better. Unless water is code for "gin", I don't see how it can help. Especially if the glass of water is tan with tadpoles frantically swimming hither and thither trying to get out.

But fear not damsel in distress, here comes Tree Mail to make it all better.

And this brings us to the big Survivor Auction. Come on in guys! You've all been out here for 800 days and even though Survivor regularly stuffs you with obscenely extravagant Reward buffets, here is yet another chance for all of you to shovel food into your gobs. You've each been given $500 for today's Auction. Bidding will be in $20 increments. There is no sharing of money and no sharing of food. The Auction will end without warning so don't screw this up.

Oh believe me, Golden Boy won't screw this up at all. He's the man with a plan. Who needs food? He's after anything that can help him stay in the game just a little longer. That's my Golden Boy. Always thinking. Always planning ahead. Always shunning the pleasures of life for good old fashioned common sense.

"We begin the Auction with a nice cold Heine...""$20!!!""I didn't say what the item was yet.""You said Heiny and I'm pretty sure you weren't offering strippers.""3 beers and nuts sold to Golden Boy for $20!"

It all happened so fast that at home I stared at the TV and then down at my blank page of notes again. Did he just...? He didn't really... Oh, hell no. And then I saw this:

So, not only does coffee unleash the lad's libido, but a brewski on a hot summer's day is simply too tempting to pass up. And like someone wearing a co-ed naked lacrosse t-shirt, Golden Boy chugs his beers one after another strapping on a nice healthy buzz before Dimples can even plate the next item. At home I shook my head in disbelief at first. But, let's get real. Had I been out there and Dimples unveiled a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, I would have punched Calgon in the face and ripped the cork out with my teeth. Cheers, Golden Boy.

The next item remains covered and the bidding slowly creeps upward with Calgon, Erik and Mascaroni (Andrea) all tossing in bids. But then, the Dame. Always one for dramatic flair and precision timing, the Dame waits until Dimples has his gavel in the air before shouting, "$180, my liege!" Sold! But, not so fast. You can either have this here covered dome or what is under covered dome number 2. *pause* OR, what is under covered dome number 3. The Dame stares wide-eyed while frantically fluttering his hand-painted fan back and forth. What to do, what to do. Cochran begins to whisper something about some guy named Monte Hall, but the Dame isn't familiar with that particular actor's stage work so he sticks with his original choice and takes number 1 - a gnarly piece of pizza shriveled up in the Filipino sun. Unfortunately for the Dame, dome number 2 was the rest of the pizza which Freebush (Sherri) ended up nabbing for a cool $500.

Continuing on, Calgon blows her entire wad on a roast chicken. And then we get to what Dimples describes as "information in this game". Golden Boy shouts, "$480!" At home I put my head in my hands knowing one of other douche nuggets is going to bid $500 and steal it away from him. I waited and I waited and, oh my god, no one bid $500! What the...?!? Miraculously, Golden Boy ends up with a clue for another Hidden Immunity Idol. He has 60 seconds to read and memorize it which, let's face it, probably would have been a lot easier had he not been three sheets to the wind at this point.

The next item remains covered and a weirdly weepy bidding war breaks out between Mowgli and Mascaroni. I'm not exactly sure why Mowgli starts bawling again since the bidding is only at $280 and she has $500 sitting her in hand. Nonetheless! Mascaroni wins the item for $280 sending Mowgli into another tailspin. Maybe the next item up for bid is a bottle of Lexapro. Lord knows, Mowgli could do with a little pharmaceutical assistance at this point. Anyhow, this is where a big fat moral dilemma weasels its way into the game. Morality, pfft! My views on morality are very Wilde-ian in nature. Basically, I don't believe in it and think it's a waste of time. So, when Mascaroni chooses bags of rice and beans for the tribe instead of a most tantalizing bowl of spaghetti with meatballs, garlic bread, and *gasp* a glass of red wine, I tut tutted in a most disapproving manner.

Moving on, Dimples announces that the next item is an advantage in the next Immunity Challenge. At home I clapped knowing Theddie (Eddie), whom I've recently welcomed into my elite society of Survivors who don't suck, will abstholutely bid on thisth. Not only did Theddie not even bid on it, but the advantage ended up going for a measly $380 to Cochran! What the hell is going on here?

The next item remains covered and finally, FINALLY, Mowgli gets the lady balls to make a significant bid. When Theddie bids $20, Mowgli strangely bids $300. Hey, at least it's a step in a bidding direction. A nonsensical bid, yes, but at least it's a bid and the bitch has stopped crying. Let's see what she's won!

"A plate of pig brains!""Oh.""We had this in the Food Challenge.""Ironically, *sniffle* I don't feel like crying." *tears plop all over brains*"Do you want to try it?""It's probably good for you, right? I mean, it is brains after all.""Hell if I know. That shit is nasty!"*Mowgli scoops up some brains and eats a bite*"Oh wait, I just remembered I don't eat pork.""Sucks to be you."

Next up are letters from home available to anyone who wants them for $20 a letter. Calgon and Freebush immediately crumple into a crying jag since they're all out of money while Golden Boy (also out of money) sits and shrugs his shoulders. Remember way back when in Survivor Philippines when Golden Boy revealed that he had a fluffy little puppy die in his arms and he didn't even cry? Well, if Snowball gasping his last tiny breath didn't make him cry, then a letter from Madeline sure as hell isn't going to make him cry either. The weeping around Golden Boy continues to grow louder and louder as he continues to toss peanuts into the air and catch them with his teeth. When a stray tear lands on his knee, he remarks, "I'm totally sad too. I'm just not going to cry like a little bitch about it." RIP Snowball.

And finally, the last item. It will remain covered and it comes with a twist. Mowgli bids the last of her money, but Theddie ends up nabbing it for an easy $200. Here you go Theddie, a giant bowl of peanut butter. Only, you have to share it with everyone else and you all have 60 seconds to eat it. Whatever peanut butter is left on your person can be taken back with you to Edamame. And so began the Peanut Butter Orgy of 2013. Smearing peanut butter around nipples and nether regions, the cast of Survivor Caramoan erupted into an erotic feast of sticky sweetness. Even Calgon participated!

Back at Edamame, the spent Survivors drag their carcasses into camp and, in what has to be the most disgusting scene in Survivor history, they begin to scrape whatever peanut butter managed to stick to their sweaty unshowered bodies into a hollowed out coconut shell. Mowgli, however, is in the middle of another crying jag so she steals away to read her letter from home. I'll never understand the weeping over letters from home. I love my family, well most of them, more than anything in the world, but I can certainly go 29 days without hearing from them. Besides, a letter from Brother #2 would go something like, "Dude, you're missing that new show Vikings. I'm sure you can Netflix it when you get home. Later." My mother would say something like, "Steal an artifact so I can put it on my mantel next to the pieces of Chichen Itza that I stole." So, yeah, when all the weeping and snot and whatnot is going on I feel a little like Golden Boy did when Snuggles died - I don't care!

While the others are busy wiping their noses and justifying their tears, Dame Reynold, Golden Boy and Freebush have a little meeting unto themselves. The Dame may not have gotten along with Freebush in the past, but it would behoove the both of them to start working together from this point onward. Freebush is number 6 on her alliance's totem pole, but if she works with the Amigos, she can move up to at least number 4. Dame Reynold tells her that if they get Erik to join them, then the new and improved Amigos alliance will have a majority. Freebush pauses to think about it and tells the boys to pull something out of their butts. I think she's talking about a Hidden Immunity Idol, but who knows? She could be a total freak and be talking about some sort of Asian kinky sex fetish beads. It is always the quiet normal looking ones who are the freakiest. Anyhow, the boys decide that Dame Reynold and Theddie will get to work on converting Erik while Golden Boy and his smoldering good looks will concentrate on that freak in the sheets Freebush.

Night falls on Edamame and with the full moon high in the sky and the Survivors sleeping soundly in their beds, Golden Boy uses this opportunity to go hunting for the Hidden Immunity Idol. The clue said to head towards the water, which he interprets as the well, and then to look to the left for the troll under the bridge and then somewhere around there you dig six inches. However, there are two problems with Golden Boy's clandestine plan. 1) Mascaroni is wide awake and watching him and 2) Golden Boy was a little bit tipsy when he saw the clue. What was left could be right and what was water could be tree. I know when I've slurped back a few too many tumblers of gin, I can't remember where the phone number tucked in my bra came from let alone my own name so the odds of Golden Boy actually finding the Idol are pretty slim.

Dusk arrives and Golden Boy still hasn't found the Idol. To make matters worse, here comes Cochran and Mascaroni being all annoying and clingy. Mascaroni actually plops herself on top of the well while Cochran gets bored and does the tinkle dance before excusing himself to go to the loo. Mascaroni is the wingman you never wanted. She's the cock blocker ruining all your potential hook ups. She drinks club soda in a bar and keeps her antennae on the lookout for drunk girls approached by unsavory men. Basically, she's a total nightmare. She refuses to leave her spot on the well while Golden Boy refuses to dig for the Idol in front of her. Eventually, the two call a truce and both return to camp Idol-less.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will hold onto a rope connected to some very large beams. Every 5 minutes, you will lower your hands down to another knot. The last person holding on wins Immunity. But, we also have the matter of dealing with Cochran's advantage that he won for a measly $380. At any point in the Challenge, Cochran is allowed to move his hands up 2 knots. Let's face it, that is most ridiculous advantage I've ever heard of. Last season, the lovely Shakira (Abi-Maria) was merely propelled into the final heat with her advantage. She still competed on the same level and had to complete the obstacle course just like everyone else. This moving up of two knots is preposterous. I'm trying not to use profanity anymore in my blogs, but it's bullshit! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Survivors ready, bullshit.

Rather than go through every second of this bullshit Challenge, I'll wrap this up very quickly. On round 3, Cochran moves his hands back up to the top which means that by the time everyone is, literally, at the ends of their ropes, Cochran is comfortably nestled in Easy Town. One by one Survivors begin to let go of their ropes and we are left with Theddie and Cochran. Theddie's muscles are pulsating and trembling while Cochran yawns and continues to hang onto to his piddly 10 pounds of weight. Obviously, Theddie drops and obviously Cochran wins Immunity. Obviously! I'm not giving him any capital letters because it was a bullshit win in a bullshit Challenge and I think it was all completely unfair.

Back at camp, Cochran is actually gloating. Gloating! He now thinks that he is the winningest Survivor of Survivor Caramoan which we all know is bullshit. I'll give him that Food Challenge that he won. He kicked ass in that and did very well, but a win by a ridiculously unfair advantage that is so far out of the realm of reality doesn't count. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. Had he won by competing at the same level as everyone else, then it would count and he would have a right to gloat. Until then, pipe down you spindly fop.

Unfortunately, things aren't looking peachy keen for the Amigos unless they can get Freebush and Erik to flip. Golden Boy confesses to his comrades that he is extremely nervous right about now. And oh the irony of it all. When he didn't have any clues for Idols, he managed to find 2. But now that he has a clue, he can't even find 1. Oh the humanity! If he can't actually find the Idol, then he has to do his best to make everyone believe he has it. That way if the Favorites split the votes at Tribal and the Amigos manage to reel in Freebush and Erik, then they can get rid of Mascaroni once and for all. It certainly won't be easy, but it is definitely not impossible.

Golden Boy begins his plan of bluffery by approaching Freebush. In addition to telling her that he has the Hidden Immunity Idol, he tells her that he wants to work with her until the very end. Those pesky Faovorites will have to split the votes which gives the Amigos and whomever joins them a lovely and shiny advantage over everyone else. Freebush nods and tells Golden Boy that he'll have to dump one of his buddies sooner or later. Golden Boy is totally fine with that! Obviously, he's going to tell her anything she wants to hear. Freebush then asks Golden Boy who they are targeting this week. Golden Boy says Mascaroni. Freebush takes this new information she has gathered and ruminates on it for a spell. The Amigos win Challenges so it might be in her best interest to side with an alliance that actually has the brawn to protect her. Homegirl knows there is no way in hell she can ever win a challenge on her own, let alone complete one.

(Psycho, 1960)

Meanwhile, Dame Reynold is hard at work wooing Erik. They discuss how the Favorites will most likely split the votes to which Erik replies, "Oh! But if I vote with you, we'll have 4 votes. Done deal!" Well, the poodle can add so I guess that's a good thing, but can he follow through? More importantly, can he follow through with Calgon smothering him in motherly guilt? Having spotted Erik talking to the Dame earlier, Calgon looks Erik in the eye with those crazy bugged out orbs of hers and tells him that she's putting all her trust in him. "Look into my eyes, Erik. Look into the pinwheels going round and round. I trust you. You wouldn't want to make mother cry, would you? Mother won't be happy if you let her down. I've put all my trust in you, Norman. You've given mother diarrhea and you know how much mother doesn't care for diarrhea." Yikes. In the end, Erik still isn't sure how he'll vote. *smacks self in head* He'll wait and decide when he's standing next to urn with a Sharpie in his hand.

While Erik is off tie dying his bed linens, the Favorites have a pow-wow to decide exactly how the vote will go tonight. The girls will vote for Dame Reynold while the men will vote for Golden Boy. For all intents and purposes, I think they're counting Freebush is a man. But then Calgon and Cochran begin to wonder if they should even split the votes at all. Why don't they just all vote for Golden Boy and that'll be that? *gasps* Mascaroni doesn't like that idea one bit. She's pretty sure Golden Boy has the Idol plus, and I quote, "Me, me, me, I, I, I, me, me, me, me." She's doing that thing again where she tells everyone that she is a giant threat and it is only natural for everyone to want to vote her out. If the Favorites all vote for Golden Boy and he ends up with the Idol, then Mascaroni could go home. I don't know about you, but that sounds like heaven to me.

So, the big questions are Freebush and Erik. How will they vote? Both are wishy washy and kind of dim so who the hell knows. The best part is that both of these nitwits actually think they're running the game. Better still, Freebush wants everyone to realize the massive power she now has in her hands. Honey Boo Boo Child, you have no power. If you vote with the boys, one of them could take you to the final 3 where you will magnificently lose with zero Jury votes. If you vote with the Favorites, they'll either get rid of you as soon as the boys are gone OR a couple of them might take you to the end where, again, you will magnificently lose with zero Jury votes. YOU HAVE NO POWER. You are a piece of dead weight that the others keep around to improve their own game.

And this brings us to Tribal Council. My heart is already in my throat as the music thumps and the fire pit burns brightly. Dimples begins by asking Dame Reynold how the last Tribal Council affected things around camp. The Dame rises and looks in the direction of the moon. Tonight he will be performing from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Everyone, shhh.

"To show our simple skill. That is the true beginning of our end."

Umm okayyy. It is not as chipper as I would have preferred, but the Dame, like myself, is moved by inspiration and who am I to question inspiration? What I think he was trying to say is that with that clown Phillip gone, the tribe is encountering a new beginning. Anything can happen now. The world is their oyster bar. 6 on 3 no longer exists! It could 2 on 18 or 7 on 9 or 4 on 300! And then he clapped and giggled while Kenya Moore-ing his fan in the direction of Phillip. Take that!

Dimples then asks Mascaroni what she thinks about the Dame saying that the game is no longer 6 on 3. Mascaroni replies that while it is nerve wracking, it would be extremely dumb for someone to flip right now as it would mean the end of their game. And then she goes on to say that the three boys will continue to dominate all the Challenges and, not only that, but they'll use and abuse you. *raises hand* Umm, where do I sign up for that? I was, you know, just wondering. Carry on.

The shift turns to Freebush and how she is probably the lowest of the low amongst the Favorites. Freebush admits that this fact has crossed her mind which visibly upsets Mother, I mean, Calgon. Calgon turns to Freebush and says, "Freebush, you make Mother very sad when you say things like that. You're not on the bottom at all, Norman. In fact, you're my favorite among Favorites. Now, be a good little lamb, and sharpen my knife collection." I'm telling you, Calgon is beginning to scare the crap out of me.

Finally, we get to Golden Boy. Dimples asks him how it went with the information he bought at the Auction. Golden Boy admits that while it was helpful there are way too many blasted Nosy Parker's at camp. Mascaroni then smiles very pleased with herself before finally admitting that she is about 80% sure that Golden Boy has the Idol. Now it's time for Golden Boy to look very pleased with himself. Do your thang, Golden Boy.

Speaking of Idols, Calgon doesn't care for them one bit. They make Mother overcome with bloodlust. Meanwhile, Erik says that if changes in alliances are going to be made, now would be the time to trade up. Does that mean he's voting for Golden Boy or not? That's all I care about right now!

Alright, it's time to vote. If anyone has the Hidden Immunity Idol, play it now or make Colette Lala cry. No one stirs which makes those brats Mascaroni and Cochran smile. But, BUT, when the votes are read we get a three way tie between Dame Reynold, Golden Boy and Mascaroni. We will now vote again, but Dame Reynold, Golden Boy and Mascaroni cannot vote. I quickly scanned the remaining voting Survivors and a shift occurred in my mood. Unless Freebush and Erik switch now, and they didn't before, then it is curtains for the only goddamn person I'm rooting for! Curtains! Not Dame Reynold red velvet theatre curtains, but the black yucky curtain of the depression that will surely smother me until the end of the season. The curtain that will plop heavily on my head and crush my skull. The curtain that will block the sun from now until the finale.

It's time to revote. MASCARONI, MASCARONI, MASCARONI... Mascaroni is the 12th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan! A little creative visualization never hurt anyone so, what the hell? I'm visualizing that annoying brat stuck at Ponderosa with Phillip funking up the pool with poop water.

But no matter how many times I chant, no matter how many virgins I sacrifice (and I've sacrificed about 16 so far), and no matter how many times I visualize Phillip's poop water, nothing could be done to save the Golden Boy. It is with great sadness (and slit wrists) that I say, Golden Boy is the 12th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. He's a fan of the blog and a great sport as I mercilessly embarrass him week in and week out so this one really bums me out. On the upside, Golden Boy is well-liked amongst the fans and since CBS seems hell bent on this retuning players thing, I'm confident we could see him again in the future. Best of luck, Golden Boy, and thank you for turning a crappy season into something unforgettable. You will be missed.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did Erik and Freebush make the right move sticking with the Favorites? Were you as inconsolable as I was last night? Who the hell do we root for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

64 comments:

So sad Golden Boy has gone he really has become one of Survivors all time favourites. I am sure we'll see him again. He even said he'd play again if they asked him tomorrow in his day after video.Things kind of fell apart for him post merge when Corinne was voted out, was hard to find a way back to a major alliance. But he had some great moments, especially last weeks TC and the taking down of The Specialist. If only Freebush & Erik would have liked to improve their chances in the game last night, it would have been a different ball game (so to speak) and Mascaroni would be walking away.

And what's the story with Mowgli, she seems so different from Nicaraguan Mowgli, even at the auction. Anyway the story continues....

Im rooting (wink) for the remaining Amigo Alliance...I'd love to see them take out Andrea, Dawn and Cochran (who has done nothing this season but be Philip's little bitch and is totally delusional about his game playing ability- its easy to ride along if you do nothing)...im pretty 'meh' about the whole thing now.

How could you say cochran is Phillips lap dog? He is playing the game that if Malcolm was smart he would have played and could have made it to top four again, if not won. Cochran played along with the stupid game but kept Phillip in line and on track with what he needed to advance his own game.

I am no longer watching anymore more of this season. I will read your recaps but there is no reason to watch with golden boy gone.I would like to point out he never tweets back his fans, I have had him on twitter since last season and I have never once see him tweet to a fan :(

I talked to him about Twitter very briefly last season and, to be honest, I don't think he even reads the replies. At least that was true for last season. I'm not sure how he's handling it this season.

His twitter page posts onto facebook, and everyone whores out the comments and actually tries to talk to him, then two minutes later he posts something else. He doesn't care about the fans or anything, he's just doing it to market himself. I loved seeing him play, and I was stoked for his return, but, survivor is full of bold moves, and it sucks that he chose poorly in the people who wanted to make the move with. But he doesn't respond on twitter, and wont even check facebook, makes me not even wanna read his rant's and raves. Its all good tho.

How can you say Cochrans advantage was bullshit- the producers basically handed the amigos a great opportunity to keep themselves all in another round but they blew it- all three were idiots. Malcolm got lucky that none of the other players decided to take his immunity clue from him after he stupidly bid $20 on a few beers the first chance he got when he knew he was in hot water (an then even more stupid to not dig with Andrea around). And for Eddie and renold to not even try and buy the advantage? The amigos are a bunch of idiots who have gotten lucky with some idols. If Malcolm had gotten the advantage (or one of the other Two) all you amigo fans would be saying how smart they were for buying the advantage (which was the exact same advantage as the last time this challenge was played).

Cochran made a smart move buy not letting the amigos get the second advantage at the auction, and Andrea was smart in making sure Malcolm didn't have a free chance to dig up the idol. Malcolm was fun to watch because he made the game interesting, but he is no where as good of a player as people want him to be. He made unnecessary risky moves at awful times and only lasted as long as he did bc he found idols.

Hopefully after this season they bring back exile island, or idols that you NEED a clue to find.

Forget about Malcolm for one second. I think you are buying too much into Cochran's favorable edit. I'm still baffled he didn't outbid Malcolm for the "information in this game" - this sounds like 99% "clue for the HII", and nobody dreamed that it will be another hot item in sale at the same auction! You can't let this kind of "power" to be handed to your #1 enemy! The risk of having (at the next TC) two necklaces on the three Amigos was too high and could've really change the game this time. I'm sorry but this was a stupid move - to don't outbid Malcolm - and what Cochran and Andrea did after this point it was only damage control. Just imagine the comments about Cochran's stupidity if he would have bought an useless advantage for his skills like Malclom had in his F4 challenge.

And it was not the "exact" same advantage as the last time, in Samoa they had the two knots thing but they had to change every 3 minutes, not every 5 minutes as they had to do now. This is a big difference, and it wasn't even written in the paper that Cochran bought...

Also big mistake premerge from SRU and especially Cochran (after what happened to him in SoPa!) that they let Malcolm feel so obviously excluded and marginalised as he said in interviews, and thus making him feel on the bottom, so a strong candidate in flipping. Only luck and Corinne naivety helped Cochran/Andrea/Dawn to maintain the power position, even if they also made a lot of mistakes.

Maybe Malcolm is not as good of a player as he think he is, but NEITHER is Cochran as good as he think he is, or as they make him out to be.

Bah. I was really looking forward to some great post-Phillip shows... but now? Golden Boy had a tough break from the get-go this time around, but watching him at least *try* to play the game was a LOT more entertaining than the lineup of social outcasts this season.

While I decide if there's really anyone else left rooting for (while creating expletives for CBS for their crappy Ponderosa clips [ONE for Malcolm? ONE?!?!?] and their eternal promising of the After Show on Thursdays... and by Thursdays, they really mean "Fridays, when we feel like it"), I think I'll be holding out hopes for next season.

Perhaps a new theme, where all of the players are Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, so they actually know how to start a fire before they show up. Or make EVERYONE a freakin' beauty queen... or, one tribe beauty queens vs. one tribe of Undiagnosed Hantz chilluns.

Until then, I'll be applying liberal amounts of alcohol internally and waiting for the Reunion Show.

He didn't have a tough break from the get go, Malcolm made moves that were stupid to early and dug himself into a hole. It made for entertaining episodes, but for him to win? He played stupid and if a player like Phillip had played the EXACT same way people would say he was stupid for it just because they don't like him. The guy is fun to watch but is not a good player, just like Russell hantz

All good things must come to an end and but alas there can only be one winner. I now wonder if we will ever again have a Survivor winner with exceptional physical skills. Certainly no one will ever try to build an alliance of the strong. This must have been the reason the Three Amigos could not get anyone to play with them.

Erik and Freebush might have given up their only hope at improving on a now likely fifth and sixth place finish. Rather than try to take on the Three Amigos at future challenges, they obviously think they have a better chance to break up Cochran, Calgon, Mascaroni and Mowgli who now appear to be running the game. It will be another sad, boring season if this plays out this way week to week without any unexpected drama (or perhaps breakdowns). Our only hope is that Cochran and Calgon realize that they will not beat Mascaroni or Mowgli in a jury vote. Too many boys on that jury who will vote for the likeable, pretty girl.

I love how people's love for Malcolm blinds them into thinking any move that is against him hurts players. First, if Cochran or Andrea get to the finals they win no matter who the other two they are up against are, if they are there together it's a toss up.

Erik and Sherri made smart moves this week, and should take one of the other two amigos out next week two and THEN take the third amigo that is left with Brenda to take out Cochran dawn and Andrea. Erik has a much better chance of getting an immunity win without the amigos in. If Sherri and Erik sided with the amigos they take away a shot at immunity and still have to crack a tight threesome. Malcolm may have ditched the other two but those two would stay loyal to the amigo alliance no matter what

1) If one amigo is brought into an alliance of four, that would be one dangerous player who could win the final immunity and thereby win the game with a jury of compadres.

2) I think Mascaroni would beat Cochran head-to-head. She will have the respect of the three amigos as well as their penises to start. That means Cochran needs to pick up 5 out of the remaining 6 jury members. Possible, not likely.

3) I can see scenarios where either Cochran, Mascaroni or Mowgli mastermind some bold moves and take control of the game. This is usually a pivotal point. Unfortunately as we have seen in the past, most players self-perception of their chances is inflated and we typically get sleepy, passive crawls to the finish line instead of bold strategic play. Is Mowgli's head even in the game now?

4) As Miss Lala said, Erik and Freebush are deadweight pieces that either way had no chance to win. Believe me, I liked Malcamino, but I prefer cheesecake.

1) If one amigo is brought into an alliance of four, that would be one dangerous player who could win the final immunity and thereby win the game with a jury of compadres.

2) I think Mascaroni would beat Cochran head-to-head. She will have the respect of the three amigos as well as their penises to start. That means Cochran needs to pick up 5 out of the remaining 6 jury members. Possible, not likely.

3) I can see scenarios where either Cochran, Mascaroni or Mowgli mastermind some bold moves and take control of the game. This is usually a pivotal point. Unfortunately as we have seen in the past, most players self-perception of their chances is inflated and we typically get sleepy, passive crawls to the finish line instead of bold strategic play. Is Mowgli's head even in the game now?

4) As Miss Lala said, Erik and Freebush are deadweight pieces that either way had no chance to win. Believe me, I liked Malcolmino, but I prefer cheesecake.

I was hoping GB would lean over and give Eddie and/or Dame some of the intel on the hidden immunity idol when GB's fate was sealed. Oh well. I guess the $1 mil again is Erik's to giveaway to a pretty girl who asks nicely.

Greg, you're exactly right. If the hotties Mascaroni and Mowgli figure out that it would be stupid for Cochran and Calgon to take one of them to the final, they will probably start batting eyelashes at Erik. Hopefully this time, he will hold out for a good dry humping in the ocean. Wait is that possible? Can you dry hump underwater?

Thank you for the eloquent expression of my own profound depression after watching the demise of the Golden Boy. Of course, I knew this would eventually happen from the moment Corinne blabbed to Calgon and got herself ousted way back when. Interesting how one wrong thing to the wrong person can ruin things for many.

"Bullshit" is exactly what I muttered over and over when Dimples handed Cochran his "advantage"/victory. Glad to see you thought the same.

Won't be fun to watch one of these flawed, annoying people win. At least I have your blog to enjoy. Calgon as Norman Bates' mom - absolutely priceless!! Thanks for the laugh.

Alright assholes I am sick of ya'll saying it was bullshit that Cochran got that advantage. If GB would have waited and bid his 500 on the advantage then no one would be saying it was bullshit when GB won the challenge. I too am surprised that no one yelled 500 as soon as Dimples said advantage. I mean look how fast Calgon hollard 500 when he whipped out that chicken. I can't believe Cochran won that advantage with only $380. Shows how stupid everyone is (except for Cochran, he won the bid and won the challenge.)

And for you to say it was fair that Shakira got dropped into the last part of her challenge is BS too cuz there is no way she would have made it to that final challenge if she would have competed in the first parts. She would have been eliminated right from the get go. That is why everyone gets the same amount of money and the first one to bid 500 gets it. But some people are either too stupid or too cocky to save their money and wait for that advantage.

I love GB too and am pissed that he is gone. I don't like Mascaroni and I wish GB would have fed her some BS about how they could work together. He could have told her some BS story about what the clue said and had her looking somewhere else and gotten her out of his hair long enough to look for it. Or he could have gotten one of the other 3 amigos like Theddie to take her swimming and drown her, I mean flirt with her so he could look for the idol.

But unfortunately GB is not that calculating which is probably a good thing in his real life but not so much on Survivor. I will miss him too.

Did anyone else catch that commercial they were showing of the 3 way split screen with Theddie, GB and Dame in it? HOT HOT HOT! I paused it, took a pic of it and am using it as my desktop wallpaper. Sorry Theddie and Dame I cropped you 2 out of it. GB's hair was cascading down all around and he was SHIRTLESS! OMG!

Did not understand why Golden Boy didn't just keep digging for the idol. So what if Andrea was there? Finding the idol in front of her would have been just as good because it would have made her scared. Stupid.

So, this is dead on. So what if she watched him find it...I think he may have been frustrated by not finding it in the hours he looked by the time she showed up, but still, there was no reason to quit! The move the prior week in giving Eddie the idol was totally epic but did cost him the "survival" of another round...so potentially two tribal rounds lost based on questionable strategy...Cochran is looking strong right now since he has "drafted" behind the big dogs all season...

Your reply smells like a fish hook, but what the hell - I'll bite. I've been in a bitey mood all week :-\

​Lala, cleverness ​in writing is overrated​​. Effectiveness​ is underrated. There's millions of ​twits trying to outcl​e​ver each other 140 characters ​at a time​ on twitter. I checked out twitter once - i​t's tiresome. ​Despite whatever you heard on TV, profanity is​ ​the enemy of cleverness about as much as punctuation is​. Think of profanity as just another tool for crafting accurate and effective communication on the page, where a reader must do without the cues of facial expression and tone of voice. I watched the finale of ​"The Following" last night​. It was ​rather ​pathetic​ - I think I'll have a cup of tea. I watched the finale of "The Following" last night. It was fucking pathetic - I think I'll kick the writer's teeth in.

The former sentence expresses how I feel in the cold light of day. The latter sentence expresses how I felt as the credits rolled. Je préfère être rapprocher de l'action!

​Trying to avoid the use of profanity because you don't want to disturb the delicate sensibilities of your innocent 11yo readers makes perfect sense. ​Trying to avoid it for ​a "challenge" makes about as much sense as ​trying to avoid the use of exclamation marks. ​Worse, it ​suggests boredom. ​There's an old generalisation about genuinely clever people never getting bored. Like all generalisations, it's bullshit. But clever people are the ones who should be ashamed of getting bored.​

​Wait. I just made a generalisation that asserts all generalisations are bullshit. If I'm right, that must mean my generalisation is bullshit too! Does that mean the old generalisation is actually valid? Oh man, this is like that father/son paradox in time travel movies. I better move on before I create a wormhole...

​OK, notwithstanding​ your recent blogs, the ​most effective piece ​o​f writing I've encountered ​lately is ​that e-mail by the sorority chick that went viral. I'll defend that piece because it was rip-roaringly effective at conveying the intensity of her emotions at the time of writing. But why am I telling you this?​ You're the one writer that defended Brandon Hantz's profanity riddled rant precisely because it did the exact same thing!

​What a depressing week. First, I heard about the tragic death of the singer I associate with my early adolescence more than any other (I grew up in the coastal town that inspired "Boys in Town". My mum played that album more than any other. Until I heard the "Get Yer Ya Ya's Out" version of "Midnight Rambler", my favourite song of all time was "Science Fiction". Chrissy's passing was a genuinely sobering kick to the gut). Then, the most entertaining Survivor castaway gets his torch snuffed. And now I find out my favourite blog is being influenced by the sage profundity to be found on RuPaul's Dragrace. I think I've had just about enough of this absurdity!

Lala, be a dear won't you... hand me that razor you use to shave your rampant leg hair with - I intend to sluice my wrists!

​*sluices wrists \\\*

Bloody hell. Who would have thought I had so much blood in me? Losing consciousness is gonna take forever. I think I'll make a pot of tea. Care for some tea, Lala?

Hi Lala,this is the Kenyan fan :-) I haven't gotten around to watching the episode and i don't even want to watch it now. I was really rooting for Golden Boy, i thought his game play was brilliant this time round. Too bad though :-(

Good job on the blog. I always look forward to reading it every Friday.

I agree completely about the outrageous advantage. If they keep pulling stuff like this they will destroy the game, pure and simple.

Sheep R Us didn't shatter and that was the end of that. I have no idea really who will win. It would be poetic justice if one of the Amigos pulled a Fabio and survived to the end. I may have to go up to the roof and leap off if I have to sit through another Sheepling crying binge.

I've never been terribly enthusiastic about Cochran before, but was I alone in wanting to throw up when Cochran was talking about how delicious it would be to vote GB out?

I hated Cochran with a passion. And I wanted him to be the first favorite gone (even tho I hoped Franchesqua would get voted off first - twice). But I hated Cochran for giving Sophie's tribe the game on his season. But this season he is actually playing the game. And it might just be from his edits or what not, but he is showing alot of thinking power. Im still not sure if he's running things or is he just letting Andrea be the scapegoat for it all. But Andrea and Cochran are just as good as any survivor duo (outside of amber and rob). People have to give him some credit. He has won 50% of the individual immunities, and he isn't a liability. I say kudos to him.

It surprises me that for as long as they have been doing the survivor auction that these supposed "superfans" haven't figured it out yet. And the favorites, being through it already, waste their cash on food when they could have and the same advantage that Cochran got. Now, that being said, I do think the advantage he got was inherently unfair in this challenge. They may as well have just said that they were bidding on immunity, because that is what it amounted to.

I thought for sure that based on the performance last week that the three amigos would have been able to pick off either Freebush or the Ice Cream Man. I think it was a stupid move on their part not to flip. They are clearly on the low end of their alliance. Although, Freebush has to figure that however things play out, she is going to the final three. Who wouldn't want to bring her along? She hasn't really done a thing, other than take up space. As a side note, does anyone else think of the phrase "tits on a stick" when they look at her? I don't know how she doesn't tip over.

I was sad to see GB go. The only thing I can think of is that he thought that if Mascaroni saw him looking for the idol, she would start looking in the same area, right next to him perhaps, and steal it from him? But at that point however, he needed to get it. Just letting people think he had it wouldn't have helped him as we saw. Though if Mascaroni saw him find it, they would have simply split their votes between Dame Reynold and Theddie instead of Dame Reynold and Golden Boy.

If there was a prize awarded for the most annoying survivor, it would be a toss up between Calgon and Cockburn. I didn't like either of them the first time they played, and after this week, I like them even less (I didn't think it was actually possible). Mascaroni was back home this week for some viewing party (her home town is about 45 min. north of me) and she dragged Cockburn along with her. Does that mean anything? hmmmm.... I will say that for some reason it looks like the producers are doing what they can to push Cockburn (for some unknown reason). I feel like I am being forced to like him, the same way the producers tried to force me to like the Giant, Rupert. I didn't like it then, and I don;t like it now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't get the love for Cockburn. It's like rooting for Louis and Gilbert to beat Stan and Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds.

I admit, I have read a spoiler that supposedly gave the final three and so far, those three are still in it. If the final three is what I read, it will be the least interesting Survivor finale that I can remember.

The game now has its obvious flaws as entertainment value. Haven't the finals developed into either having three non-dynanmic finalists where you could care less about who wins or one Svengali type (Boston Rob, Kim)emerges along with two non-dynamic followers where the outcome is a foregone conclusion? I'm sure Dimples and Burnett are perplexed on how to change that.

The way to change it would be to stop casting players for set roles like Tearful Middle-Aged Woman, Luscious Teenage Girl, Quirky Game Analyst, Hard-Core Tattooed Rebel without a Clue, and start casting them for their ability to play Survivor. GB was fun to watch because he was playing Survivor.

Watching non-entities keep their heads down and try to slither through to the final three is about as thrilling as a week with no gin, glitter or (worst of all) stellar blogging by Miss Lala. Watching said slitherers bursting into tears at regular and frequent intervals is neither convincing nor engrossing tv.

I don't know if it's accurate, but I've pictured the Survivor Casting Team with a checklist of specific stereotypes they want to fill. Maybe that's why some seasons have been featured players they've recruited instead of choosing from the eleventy-billion applications they must get.

At the same time people have watched the game season after season, and people know what it takes to get to the end. You need an unwavering alliance, some luck, and some idiots to win the game. You have to have idiots in your alliance that will allow you to play the game your way, and dictate everything, then be lucky enough to fool them into thinking you didn't vote them out. Maybe if they got a bunch of old people to play, people who are stubborn, and not as into the whole social aspect. Any pretty girl can tempt any guy on survivor, its pretty boring to watch.

Get some real contestants. Maybe go down to final 2 again. Swap tribes multiple times to test alliances. Do multiple tribes to start, 4, is good. It builds multiple alliances and thats when the strategy gets awesome to watch.

Boston Rob was able to solidify his alliance, and then steamroll through the game.

Russell was able to find idol after idol, and run his tribe to the end (he didn't win cause he was a dickbag about it)

Kim was able to gain the friendship of a bunch of girls, and then mix that with guys being idiots and giving up immunity, and jay falling for the girlhood temptation, and you got a landslide victory for her.

Go back to the days of Earl, and Yul, when winning the game took something awesome, and it wasn't pre-determined by the 3rd or 4th vote of the season.

I just watched Malcolm on the Survivor After Show. As a Christian, I've decided Malcolm resembles my Jesus. I don't care what anyone thinks about that because my Jesus has a sense of humor. Afterall, he gave us Miss Lala.

The Dame will be way too much of a threat to get anywhere near the end and Theddie and Eric are just too dumb. Mowgli played a much more aggressive game in the past, but has since become completely tamed. As high as we were after last week's TC, it's as low as we have sunk sunk to in this post GB era...

Enough with idols! they completely take the strategy out of the game, and enough with all these feasts , these latest crop of survivors look like they are vacationing in the Bahams, I hate immunity Idols and returning players, everyone says that Boston Rob is the greatest player in "Survivor" history, but he kept getting invited back until he won. . . .please, please how about all new people next time?

Malcom ( Milk'em ) has no one to blame except himself one of his mistakes was downing three beers and then reading and trying to remember the clue to the FREE idol....as far as Cochran having an unfair advantage, he just happened to be the one that was smart enough to bid at the right time.

This was already a boring season but with GB gone I see no reason to watch the rest of these dullards stumble towards the finish line. (Although, Dame R and Theddie finally redeemed themselves by becoming les doucey.) I have deleted Survivor from my DVR in tribute to GB and am wearing a black, no, gold armband so I will never forget. Lala, I ask you to join me and end your blog until next season. Or let the fans who can stomach the last few episodes write it for you and take a well deserved break. RIP GB.

with all the editings, it is clear to me that Andrea have Erik & Cochran under her thumb, they will vote however Andrea tells them to, & that Eddie will be the remaining amigo she will have in her alliance.

The most exhilarating and deserving elimination of all time was followed by the most depressing and undeserved. In two weeks we got the absolute high and the absolute low of Survivor history and I'm surprised nobody has yet commented on the awful coincidence that Malcolm got clipped right after Philip. This must have given the so-called Specialist a smug sense of satisfaction, which makes GB's elimination that much more regrettable. Imagine how awkward it will be for them to have to sit with each other at the next tribal councils! And Cochran's oooh-la-la kiss of his fingertips savoring GB's departure was the cherry on top of this whole, sickening, poop-sundae of an episode. Malc made a big mistake by not continuing his search and letting Andrea coc*block him from getting it. He could have just strongarmed her if she got too close...a little pushing and shoving would have been awesome. Philip wasn't the only fun-sponge, just the biggest. Every member of his cult is a sponge and they just sucked all the goodness out of the show. The fun was eliminated right along with Malcolm. No need to tune in for the all-too-predictable and remorseless sacrifice of the strong to maintain the ever-more tenuous positions of the weak. There's nobody left to root for, since Reynold and Eddie can't possibly turn it around. No need to watch any longer. Malcolm should have beaten Denise last time and he should have made it further this time. Major, major bummer.

You made a mistake during the intro: it is not possible to have an overly melodramatic blog about a reality TV show. That is an oxymoron, moron. I want more melodrama, more flights of fancy, more cane twirling, more glint in the eye! I want to eat your flowery compositions until I puke pollen! Do you understand? Or do you need me to speak more sloowly? And if you ever "Le sigh" at the prospect of writing a blog again, I'll slap you across the face, you faux bitch! Cram that up your yeast infected sluice.

Yes. I am a little spiky today. No, it's not about Golden Boy's exit. It's about Chrissy's exit. Last night, I pulled out my copy of the original 1982 pressing of Desperate. I got thoroughly drunk and listened to Chrissy's mesmerising voice all night long. From the NY Times to the London Times, every idiotic obit I read gave the impression the only song she ever sung was that "touch myself" confection. It infuriates me, because Chrissy deserves a place on the right hand side of Debbie Harry's reserved seat at the 'Intoxicating Rock Chicks' table, in the VIP section of Heaven nightclub. Don't believe me? Try to take your eyes off her as she throats this track out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73mx10GmFsU

She was magnificent live.

Ok, sorry for ranting off topic. I suppose I should talk about Survivor now. Actually, fuck that. I'm not sorry. If you get to sook about Malcolm, then I get to sook about Chrissy. Problem?

Speaking of the oh so Golden One, his interview with Cesternino was, well, gold. I know you're not a fan of Rob C's monkeyshines, but I don't listen to those interviews for him, I listen for the interviewee - and Malcolm was witty and insightful. Le sigh. *slaps self across face*

Malcolm will be back, and so will Reynold. Yeah, yeah - I also know you're not a fan of returning players. Probably because it makes coming up with fresh blogs and fresh characters harder, but returning player seasons are invariably entertaining from a viewers perspective. I suppose if I had to blog about Survivor week after week, I'd hate returning players too. But I don't have to blog about it - I pay someone to do that for me. Much like I pay someone to do my laundry.

OK, I gotta go. I'll pop in on Friday to pick up next week's blog.

PS: So much for Wildean morality. A bitch without profanity is half a bitch. You don't want to be a bit, do you? If you're concerned about your nephew or niece or whatever it is reading Aunty Lala's blogs, then produce two versions. An edited PG one here, and an unedited R rated version somewhere else, for me and Mirrorgirl and your other genuine bitchy fans.

Because my attention was elsewhere yesterday, I forgot to mention that we've had four terrific episodes of Survivor in a row, and you've matched 'em with four fantastic blogs in a row. The characterisation of wild-eyed Calgon as Norman Bates' mother to Erik's emotionally vulnerable Norman is a credit to your muse. Thank her for me.

PS: there's a character standing to the left of stage, hard to make out through a cloud of opium smoke, who never gets applause - the bacchanalian Dimples. I like him.

I don't comment as much as I did in the past few years (my classes take me to new dimensions of praying for patience). But I still read your blogs on my phone on break. My students think I have lost my mind when I start laughing and snorting loudly. I love your blogs (Survivor, BB and AR) when you do them. I'm still waiting for your book.

I agree M... Dimples is supposed to be outside of the game. However, he is clearly involved. And we love him!!!!

Ok this whole Golden Boy got the shaft bit has got to stop! GB did himself in by playing waayyyy too hard. And when will people start realizing that getting rid of the physical threats at this stage in the game is great game play?! Remember Survivor's mantra is "OUTWIT, OUTPLAY, OUTLAST" and last i checked you can do all three of those things without ever winning a challenge! So tired of the whining about who deserves to win over who really wins! I respect this game for what it is, a game!