Category Archives: Comedy Relief

OK, you know I’ve been waiting for this one. Fartgate! The malodorous scandal! Just when you thought the warmers couldn’t possibly get any nuttier, we get this one from the Daily Exchange titled “Cows’ Greenhouse Gas Emissions Measured Inaccurately, Study Finds.”

It was bad enough when we found they were trying to measure cow farts, now we find out that they measured the cow farts incorrectly. I’m still trying to get that one past my brain. For some silly reason every time I think about a scientist measuring cow farts I imagine a scientist in a white lab coat sitting on a stool behind a cow and taking in a good whiff every time the cow farts and making notes upon a chart on a clipboard.

Thar she blows!

Actually they use mathematics. Thank GOD those poor scientists don’t have to do that! It would be an udderly ridiculous job indeed!

Mathematical equations used in predicting cows’ methane emissions are inaccurate and need improvement to help dairy farmers mitigate greenhouse gas releases, says a new study by a research team including scientists from the University of Guelph.

The study, co-authored by Canadian and Dutch scientists, appears this month in the journal Global Change Biology.

But wait, it’s not just some scientist like Einstein writing long mathematical formulas on a chalkboard. It seems we have those “computer models” going again, you know, the garbage in garbage out ones where some scientists “conveniently” arrive at a conclusion and then feed in data to ensure the “computer model” arrives at that very same conclusion……

These researchers used data from studies in Canada, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom to assess how well widely used equations predicted methane production. They found that nine equations used in whole farm greenhouse gas models over- or underestimate cows’ methane emissions.

Uh oh! We even have the IPCC in on this, which should tell you the accuracy level probably sucks to say the least…..

For example, the equation currently used by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change fails to distinguish the effects of simply feeding cows more from feeding them higher-fat diets. “A higher feed intake will increase methane production. A rise in dietary fat content will decrease methane production,” said Ellis, who has begun a post-doc at Wageningen University in the Netherlands.

Well, based upon this information I’d say the proper solution is to get Rajendra Pachauri, Chair of the IPCC, give him a lab coat, and let him sit behind cows for the next few years smelling cow farts and trying to ascertain their impact upon non-existent anthropogenic global warming. It certainly couldn’t be any worse than their computer models are.

Now that Osama bin Laden may be replacing Al Gore as the head climate change whiner he has some tips for you on how to reduce your carbon footprint.

10. Live in a cave. You don’t waste valuable resources building a house. Place a Persian carpet on the floor and you’re in solid comfort.

9. Kill lots of infidels, it reduces the world population and saves green resources.

8. Keep telling the homicide bombers about them virgins. When they blow themselves up and take out 50 other people we save on using resources and reduce the population simultaneously. It also reduces the line at the grocery store so I can go shopping faster.

7. Keep letting the rumours out about alleged Al Queda attacks at tourist spots in Europe. This keeps pollution down because everyone stays home instead of going on vacation. I can get a room easier, too, due to all the cancellations at Cannes.

6. Ride a motorcycle to jihad and save gas. They pollute less than a Toyota Prius but they’re not as comfortable. Kind of hard to bring your sheep, but we work it out.

5. Donate money to Iran to help them get the atomic bomb. This will get rid of everyone when they start World War III. There will be no one left so no one will worry about climate change. I will be safe in my cave and ready to take over in 10,000 years when the radiation dies down.

4. When shooting infidels don’t spray and pray, make every shot count. This reduces your carbon footprint because you’re saving ammunition and the resources needed to manufacture it.

3. Keep 4 or 5 wives. This saves fuel running all over Pakistan and Afghanistan looking for dates. They also keep you warm in winter so you don’t have to turn the thermostat in the cave up at night. Fall has arrived at my camp, might be a 3 wife night. Hmmm….that might be a good name for an Arabic rock group!

2. Use “natural” fertilizer in your opium field. This reduces your global footprint because you are not shipping fertilizer to your farm. The only problem is it stinks and your opium taste kind of shitty when you smoke it.

and the number one tip is…………………………………………….

1. Make one of your wives a sheep. She won’t tell, she won’t swell, she’ll be grateful as hell. When she gets old you can shoot her, have lamb chops for dinner and use the wool to knit a sweater.

Look down on the beach! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a Polar Bear!!!……..oops!

The presenter of ITV’s West Country breakfast bulletin informed astonished viewers that an animal more commonly spotted near the North Pole had turned up in the seaside town of Bude. Video footage showed a large, white beast lying on the shore.

“A walker in Cornwall has caught an extraordinary sight on camera. A polar bear has washed up on a beach near Bude,” an excited Miss Lloyd said. “The bear comes from the Arctic Circle and an investigation is under way as to how it could have ended up there.”

Wow a dead polar bear thousands of miles away from the Arctic found on a beach in Southern England. Must be that global warming again. It’s so hot in the Arctic they’re fleeing for Southern England.

Nope……guess again…..

Closer inspection revealed that the polar bear was, in fact, a cow. The farm animal had been bleached white by sea water.

Perhaps it’s a new species called a Polar Cow? I wonder if anyone at ITV can spell faux pas?

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Cheech and Chong would be proud of this one. If you remember their movie “Up in Smoke” they smuggled a van made of hemp (aka: Marijuana) across the Mexican border and into Los Angeles. When it caught on fire the results were…..ummmmm……interesting indeed.

We now have a car that may be made of hemp (aka: marijuana). I’m sure this will really be a hit in California, especially if Proposition 19 (the Marijuana Legalization Initiative) passes. I do believe making a car from hemp may cause some global confusion.

Imagine getting up in the morning and wondering if you should drive to work or stay home and smoke your car? Imagine firefighters on the scene of a burning hempmobile. Will they put it out? Or fan the fire and inhale deeply? Would it be considered child abuse to drive your kids around in one? It may have the good effect of reducing marijuana smuggling from Mexico, but I would imagine car theft might increase dramatically. Will the California Air Resources Board outlaw driving them on spare the air days because they might catch fire and increase air pollution? (not to mention accidents). When the California Highway Patrol pulls you over in one will they cite your for speeding or illegal drug smuggling? What will they use for body and fender repairs? Will Bondo now come with hemp mixed in? Will your body and fender person apply it to your car or smoke it? Will your probation officer let you drive one if you’re on parole for drug violations?

Well, that’s some of the potential problems as I see them. This most assuredly falls into the CO2 Insanity category. I can already see all the movie stars ordering one.

(….and yes I know this is a different kind of hemp, but this was too much to pass up). In case you never heard of Cheech & Chong, below is the trailer from the movie.

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OK this really has nothing to do with global warming but it was just too amazing not to post up on the site. Looks like the Dukes of Hazzard are alive and living (actually in critical condition) in Ohio.

What’s really amazing is evidently the guy lived!

Definite CO2 Insanity, or some kind of insanity.

If you want to read about the details and see what was left of the car click on the source link below.

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Here we have a good one from the Guardian. Seems a “climate change activist” (whatever that is) glued herself to a desk in a bank claimed to be financing big oil projects. No details on what part of herself she glued, but they did get her to come unglued, which I suspicion she already was anyway.