aparigrahastairye janmakathamta sambodhahWhen we are established in non-attachment, the nature and purpose of existence is understood

YS II,39 translation by Alistair Shearer

Yamas - observances for living well - are the first of Patanjali's guidance for yogis: the last of the yamas is aparigraha: greedlessness. Aparigraha describes everything that we are attached to, be they possessions, people, opinions or ways of living.

It is almost the antithesis of how modern capitalist society operates: our economy is based on the accumulation of more stuff; our advertising industry spends millions trying to make us feel that we lack something, or that happiness will be ours if we purchase that toothpaste, or this gadget; and where the worth of a human being seems to be calculated on what they have and what they do for a living, rather than how they behave & what they contribute to society.

In asana practice aparigraha might manifest itself as attachment to practising a certain way. You might play with the idea of aparigraha in your practice by asking what you can let go of in your practice... Your ego? Your competitiveness? Your fear/dislike of certain poses? Or you could think about what you are attached to in your practice... Being the best at forward bends? Being the worst at forward bends? Do you collect postures, moving onto the next new thing as soon as you have mastered a pose?

Injury & illness give us a great opportunity to work with aparigraha, because they demonstrate just how attached we have become to doing yoga practice a certain way. When we are injured or ill, we have to let go of what our practice looks like when we are well; if we want to recover, we are forced to work around our injury with sensitivity. It can be so frustrating, but it is often the only way to discover what yoga is truly about; that there are more ways to peace & being still than are found leaping about on a yoga mat, as joyful as that might ordinarily be.

In pranayama, you can explore the idea of aparigraha by working with your exhalation: it's the most basic physical form of letting go. Have you noticed how you sometimes hold your breath when you are in a challenging posture? As if you could keep it all together if you hold onto it hard enough? See if you can let go through your breath throughout your practice. Choose a really challenging pose, or one that you find mentally difficult (handstand? full back-bend?) get yourself into your version of it and breathe... just let go and see what happens.

We all grapple with aparigraha every day: how much is enough & what constitutes too much; how to keep a sense of what we are inside, when so much of modern life seem to be about appearances.

"Aparigraha is the subtlest aspect of yama and difficult to master. Yet repeated attempts must be made to gain pure knowledge of 'what I am' and 'what I am meant for'"

BKS Iyengar, Light on the Yoga Sutras, p 153

However, challenging, the concept of non attachment to possessions is an easy one to understand: don’t be greedy, don’t grasp always for the next thing, don’t forget that your possessions do not define you. Applying aparigraha to our personal relationships is a more subtle and more difficult matter. How can I be unattached to my children, my family, my partner, my animals? Doesn't that seem inhuman in some way? Doesn't that seem to be an attitude lacking in love?

But here is the thing: your capacity to love is not diminished by your capacity for non attachment.

Yoga practice leads us towards understanding that we are whole as we are, we were born whole; the practices that yoga teaches us lead us towards an understanding of that essential rightness. It teaches us that there is nothing that we need that is outside of ourselves. In our quietest and wisest moments, we know that this is true - it is not that which we own, or those that we know that make us who we are; it is our own self, as it is, with all its gifts and shortcomings.

Further, yoga teaches us that love is our birthright; that love is not something we seek outside of ourselves, or that we have to do something to get. True love is in us all along; we are love.

So, we are whole and we are love. I am and so are you. So are your children, so is your partner, so are we all.

Non attachment in personal relationships looks like knowing that you are whole on your own and not relying on other people for a sense of who you are; not looking to others to give you the love that crave, since that love lives within you already.

Non attachment to other people means allowing them their own mistakes and missteps as you received yours, knowing how much is learnt from the times that things go wrong, knowing that wisdom lies there. This is a very difficult prospect and a very fine line to walk when you have children.

Non attachment to other people looks like the capacity to let them go when the time comes to let them go.

Look, no yoga practice is easy. If you were looking for an easy answer, then you are looking in the wrong place. Patanjali is very clear that you are at liberty to ignore his teachings, but if you do you will continue to suffer the pain of wrong headed thinking.

We don't own anything, we don't own anyone and nothing that anyone else can give us can change how we feel, not in the long term.

So, seek non attachment to others, try to understand that they are on their path, as you are on yours, and all that is left then is to love them, to love then with all that you have, to love them whoever they are. And to allow them to tread their path as you must tread yours.

brahmacaryapratisthayam viryalabhahwhen the sadhaka is firmly established in continence, knowledge, vigour, valour & energy flow to him

Yoga Sutra II, 38, translated by BKS Iyengar

Celibacy is not what is meant by this sutra, although that is what it is often taken to mean. Some of the greatest ancient yogis had families, as well as many from the modern era (Krishnamacarya, Iyengar & Desikachar for example); the great sage Vasista was himself said to have had 100 children.

Rather this sutra is an exhortation to treat our sexuality & sexual union with another with as much care, discretion & discernment as the rest of our yoga practice, and to a degree which matches our commitment to careful, considerate, gentle living.

Renunciation can of course be an act of devotion for a yogi, but is only an effective path when taken with a positive outlook; when performed with suppression & denial it can never bear the fruit of deep peace & joy that yoga practice brings.

It is a very simple sutra really: contain your sexual energy, express it wisely & with discretion; in this way you will gain vigour & dynamism; the rise of what is known as ojas: that vitality & radiant health (both physical & spiritual) that you see glowing in the faces of true yogis.

asteyapratisthayam sarvaratnopasthanamBy abiding in freedom from the desire for other's possessions, that which is precious is revealed, and all that is beneficial is freely given﻿

Yoga Sutra II,37 translation by Mukunda Stiles﻿

Yamas - observances for living well - are the first of Patanjali's guidance for yogis: the third of the yamas is asteya: non-stealing.

On a basic level, not stealing is one of the oldest rules of society and most of us would hope never to steal anything knowingly or unknowingly.

But it is not only belongings that we can steal ... taking away from another person's happiness, confidence, time, energy or ideas is stealing of a sort, as is betraying someone's trust; and envying someone else's life, or at least how that life is presented online or elsewhere, is the covetousness of the modern age.

Being satisfied with ourselves, our own gifts, and what we have is a quiet kind of spiritual practice; gratitude for all that we have been given is a baseline attitude for living well.

Giving more than we receive, opening our hearts toward the crotchety as well as the friendly, will bring us closer to freedom and happiness than jealously guarding what we have or hankering after someone else's life or possessions.

Science is catching up with Patanjali: research has shown that volunteering, mentoring, working for a good cause and random acts of kindness are good for mental health: these acts stimulate feelgood neurotransmitters in the brain, such as serotonin, and reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness, the dual curses of the modern age.

Practising asteya is part of our commitment to the environment too: considering carefully what we buy and how it has been produced, taking only what we need so that resources such as food are not wasted and trying where we can to reduce our own negative impact on the environment are all manifestations of asteya.

Bringing a sense of asteya to formal yoga practice might take the form of celebrating the beauty of another person's practice rather than finding yourself lacking in comparison; or not robbing yourself of the glory of your own asana or meditation practice by chiding yourself for what it isn't, rather than enjoying what it is. Refrain from from grasping always for the next thing in your practice or training and allow things to unfold more naturally instead, with faith that what you will receive will be just right for you.

Patanjali teaches that all wealth comes to those who practise asteya; that by opening our hands and hearts to the world and sharing our gifts and talents freely, by ceasing taking too much or jealously guarding what we already have, we will receive the gift of receiving freely, exactly that which we need.

satyapratisthayam kriyaphalasrayatvamwhen we are firmly established in truthfulness, action accomplishes its desired end

YS II,36 translation by Alistair Shearer

Yamas - observances for living well - are the first of Patanjali's guidance for yogis; the second of the yamas is satya: truthfulness, honesty, sincerity, integrity.

Such a simple vow, the promise to be honest, but much more difficult to consistently fulfil. Small untruths litter our communications with each other. We lie about the reason we are late, or the reason we can't make an event, how much we spent on a shopping trip, how many glasses of wine we had last night, books we've read, how much time we spent fruitlessly surfing the internet. Other people may never know (or care) that we lied, but we know and we weigh ourselves down with it.

It can therefore be very liberating to tell the truth. In a sense, telling the truth allows us to be totally human, accepting of our weaknesses and all of the mistakes we make, and content with that perfect imperfectness. For example, if we admit that we are late because we overslept (instead of blaming the traffic), we are admitting to our mistake with the confidence that it doesn't have anything to do with who we are as a person. Everybody gets up late sometimes. We make the choice to be honest, rather than to find a false explanation that might conform more to what is expected of us (or what we expect from ourselves). We choose to feel better on the inside, rather than to look better on the outside.

There are times when it might be hurtful to tell the truth, so we temper our honesty with kindness (ahimsa) - if telling the truth will hurt somebody, then it might be better to say nothing. And satya doesn't give you license to go and tell the person you dislike all the bad thoughts and feelings you have about them. Be wise, be kind, do your best. As the Mahabharata advises:

"Speak the truth which is pleasant. Do not speak unpleasant truths.Do not lie, even if the lies are pleasing to the ear."

Mahabharata translated by TKV Desikachar

Part of yoga practice is to reflect honestly on all of our actions. In the quiet stillness of yoga we confront ourselves and our actions with a clear eye and seek to understand the source of our behaviour, so that in future we might avoid the actions that cause ourselves and other people harm. If you can't be honest with anyone else about the way you feel, you can at least be honest with yourself. With careful scrutiny you are able to find the root of the matter and to discern why it made you feel and behave the way you did. Once you understand that, you are free to address the causes in the hope that you might behave more generously in future.

Satya is also about trusting yourself. You know who you are and what you need, admitting this to yourself is an important first step to admitting it to the world and to living by your own deepest truth. It's about integrity too: saying what you mean, meaning what you say and living up to it in practice.

According to the Yoga Sutras, when we live honestly, speak honestly and think honestly﻿, other people take more notice of what we say because they know it to be true; moreover we do not waste energy on the concealment of untruths and secrets. Patanjali tells us in this sutra that through the practice of satya, we gain freedom.

ahimsa pratisthayam tatsannidhau vairatyagahThe more friendly one is, the more one stimulates friendly feelings among all in one's presence

YS II,35 Translation by TKV Desikachar﻿

The first of yamas is ahimsa - do no harm. Do no physical, verbal or mental harm to yourself or to others.

The idea of doing no harm might sound passive (we might think of those Jain monks sweeping the ground before them with a broom, lest they inadvertently kill a bug with their feet), but ahimsa is a dynamic, active, positive kindness. It is the idea that formed the basis of Gandhi's philosophy of non-violent protest (satyagraha), which influenced Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela among others, and which demonstrates just how powerful, vigorous and world-changing this simple idea can be.

Ahimsa is a good first principle for your asana practice - practice with compassion and sensitivity for yourself. You don't want to sacrifice the positive feeling gained in a pose by pushing yourself so far into it that you feel pain. There is a balance to be found between effort in a pose (the sensation of having muscles work, stretch and come to life) and the pain felt when you crank yourself into a pose with the determination to get further or deeper, but without the self-love to make it work for you and how and who you are today. Make the effort to come to your mat, commit to focus and do your best to make each asana your best version of it, so that it looks like your asana and not someone else's and so that it feels good (challenging, but positive). That's all. That's perfect.

Ahimsa is a good first principle when approaching your inner critic. Most of us have one, don't we? What does your inner critic say to you? Would you ever dream of being as hard on anyone else as you are on yourself? Ahimsa means accepting yourself exactly as you find yourself. In your practice, see if you can be alert to your inner critic: notice when it sparks up it's commentary, listen to what it says to you, you will find that you can choose to ignore it. You might even be able to laugh at it. Decide to be kind to yourself instead. Remind yourself that your thoughts aren't real. Notice how rather than holding you back, this capacity for kindness within yourself actually helps you to achieve more.

Ahimsa is the most basic principle for living well. Listen in and be kind. Give kindness to other people. My teacher told me that you can change someone's life by offering them a kind word. I believe him.

Be kind to yourself and through finding compassion for yourself learn how to be kinder to others, even the people you find difficult; we're all just doing our best in any given circumstance. Even just trying to be kinder to yourself and to others brings more kindness. Don't intimidate yourself by imagining that you need to reach the highest of ideals, we can all think of someone who seems to us the quintessence of eternal sunshine and kindness (the Dalai Lama? Nelson Mandela?), but we're all human, so we all get impatient, cross, grumpy, unreasonable, or frustrated sometimes.

The great thing about yoga is that it lets us be human (with all our mistakes and weaknesses and the dark bits that we'd rather other people didn't know about), but it gives us space to reflect on how we could have a better, kinder, stronger, more generous way of living and it gives us a method for working towards that.

You can't truly be kind to others until you know how to truly be kind to yourself. You above all others know the many ways that you have fallen short, and it is so much easier to linger on those memories than on the times that you did well, helped someone out or made a positive difference. Sometimes you won't ever know how much something you said or did has helped another person. Hold yourself in positive self-regard: you are a human being doing your best to be good, helpful, compassionate and you have a lot to give.

Be kind: don't jump to judge and separate yourself, seek instead to understand; treat others as you long to be treated yourself, with love and respect, regardless of whether or not they deserve or notice your kindness and regardless of what they offer you back. Your kindness ought not to be dependent on what you hope or expect to receive from another.

We all want to live in a kinder world, but the only part of the world that you can change is yourself.

It is obvious why this is Patanjali's first rule for living well, for without commitment to ahimsa one cannot very well set out along the path of yoga, or the path of living well.

The first of Patanjali's 8 Limbs of Yoga are the yamas - observances for living well in the world.

There was a time when spiritual pursuits were solely the domain of the Brahmin class. In Vedic times it was only a member of the Brahmin class who could be a priest, perform religious observances and translate the Vedic texts. But by the time of the Buddha and Patanjali, many of these religious ceremonies had become meaningless ritual; the shallow outward trappings of faith. In response to this lack of genuine religious endeavour came the Upanishads, Buddhism and Patanjali's Yoga Sutras.

Patanjali's system of yoga took away the need for someone to be of a certain class or social standing by birth to follow a spiritual path - then as now, yoga is for everyone. The Yoga Sutras also give responsibility for one's path to the student himself; we may consult teachers or learn from others, but essentially the yoga path is something we must do by and for ourselves. To walk along the path of yoga, you have to practise; you have to experience it for yourself.

The yamas are Patanjali's rules for this new breed of yoga practitioners who were often living normal lives in the world, rather than living cloistered lives as priests or scholars. They describe a set of restraints, which if practised, give yoga students a firm foundation on which to build their yoga practice.

They yamas are as follow:

Ahimsa - non-harming/non-violence

Satya - truthfulness/honesty

Asteya - non-stealing/integrity

Brahmacarya - chastity/self-restraint

Aparigraha - non-grasping/freedom from greed/non-attachment

These restraints are consistent with the purpose and method of all yoga practice, for instance we cannot practice yoga successfully if we are being violent or causing harm elsewhere in our lives; we will not have a fruitful practice if we are being dishonest to ourselves or to others.

These are vows for everyone regardless of their place or situation of birth (this had particular meaning for a culture with a caste system like India's) - they are for everyone. They must not be broken for any excuse, be it time, place, or circumstance - it is no good being truthful all week and dishonest on Friday because it was expedient to for you be so.

It is helpful to think of the yamas not as rules, but as freedoms... to be free from causing harm; free from dishonesty; free from the guilt caused by having stolen; free from over-indulgence; free from greed.

The yamas require a commitment to self-reflection: sometimes it is obvious when we have transgressed one of the yamas, other times our actions are more subtle, our motivations more profound. As when we become angry (ahimsa) because we did something we didn't want to do because we were unable to say no (satya).

A dedicated yoga practice requires not the highest levels of moral rectitude, there is no judgement to be taken here, there is no hierarchy of goodness; yoga requires only that we commit daily to the concept of yamas and each day forgive our shortcomings and commit once more to Patanjali's observances for living well in the world.

The practice of yoga goes back thousands of years, but the way it is practised has changed emphasis over the millenia. Nowadays most of us come to yoga through the practice of asana, but when Patanjali wrote the Yoga Sutras in about 200BC the word asana simply meant 'seat' and was used to refer to the posture assumed for meditation (typically a seated lotus, siddhasana, or cross-legged position) and to the place where you sat to meditate. Patanjali's only instruction when it came to asana was as follows:

sthiram sukham asanam yoga pose is a steady and comfortable position

YS II, 46 translation by Mukunda Stiles

That's it. Sit in a comfortable and steady position and practise yoga. For a modern yoga student, it doesn't give us much to go on... and some of us can't sit comfortably in a seated position on the floor for very long without experiencing pain... and some of us can't sit quietly with ourselves for even a few minutes without being distracted by the chattering of our minds... we need a bit more help and that came later in the form of Hatha Yoga, a system which gives us the physical exercises to get us to the point of being able to sit quietly with ourselves.

But the 8 limbs of yoga naturally occur during any good modern asana practice and contemplation of all 8 limbs will deepen your yoga practice, whatever form it takes.

The 8 limbs of yoga as taught by Patanjali are:

Yamas - social observances for living well within society

Niyamas - individual practices for living well

Asana - a steady and comfortable position

Pranayama - breathing practice

Pratyhara - withdrawal of the senses/drawing the mind's focus inward

Dharana - concentration through fixing the attention on one point

Dhyana - meditation

Samadhi - deep meditation to such an extent that you forget yourself entirely

Some people imagine the 8 limbs of yoga as a ladder - in this analogy we must conquer each step in turn, first mastering the yamas, then moving on to the niyamas, etc. all the way through to samadhi, or enlightenment.

Another common analogy is to imagine the 8 limbs like the legs of a spider with ourselves as the body; in this analogy each limb contributes concurrently to yoga practice.

This image resonates more with my own experience of yoga practice. Not only did I come to asana practice before I had even heard of the yamas or niyamas, but many of the concepts expounded in the 8 limbs had risen naturally in the course of my deepening asana practice before I knew or understood that they had names and had been codified by Patanjali thousands of years before. For me, therefore, mastering each rung of the ladder in turn was not a prerequisite for experiencing a profound and transformative yoga practice.

Patanjali himself does not prescribe how we should approach the 8 limbs, so in a sense we are free to choose how we view them. If you decide that you would like to begin by mastering the first rung of the ladder before moving on the next, then let me know how you get on - I am in awe... I fear that were I to take that option, I would spend the whole of this lifetime on that pursuit and end my days no nearer to being ready to step onto the next rung!

Over the next few weeks, I'll be writing about the 8 limbs... taking each one in turn, examining their meaning and considering how they enhance and enrich modern yoga practice. Perhaps you'll have ideas and experiences to add to the conversation.

I think I am fairly typical - I tried yoga; it worked for me: life felt better, I felt better, and so I wanted to know more. In seeking to know more I found that much of what I was experiencing in my practice had been described by various teachers and writers over the course of the preceding 2,500 years or so. It's one of the wonderful things about yoga that once in a while you stumble across something that describes your own private experience so accurately that it amazes you, some of these descriptions are modern, but many of them are from ancient teachings, still as relevant today. These teachings from centuries past are essential to modern yoga practice, even if that modern practice looks very different to what Patanjali would have understood as yoga.

A summer break is often a time for reflection too ... on the year that's passed since our last holiday, on what we've learnt and what we hope to bring into our lives going forward.

Here are some cracking good reads to see you through your summer; some wise & friendly voices to accompany you as you reflect on what's passed & make plans for your future...

"With freedom, books, flowers & the moon, who could not be happy"Oscar Wilde

ॐ

MEDITATION FOR THE LOVE OF IT by Sally Kempton

I never miss the chance to practice with Sally when she is in London - her background is steeped in yoga philosophy (she was a swami at Muktananda's ashram for many years), but she writes for seekers whose path is not withdrawal. How do we incorporate meditation in to our busy modern lives? How do we find a technique that works for us? How do we commit to practise and abide with it even when it becomes difficult? Sally addresses all of these questions in this wonderful book about seeking peace in your daily life through meditation. She makes meditation accessible and reminds us on every page, that if you do it for love then you can't go wrong.

DARING GREATLY by Brene Brown

If you haven't yet discovered the work of Brene Brown, you are in for a treat. Brene writes about embracing our vulnerabilities instead of hiding them or being ashamed of them; she shows us how if we are unable to acknowledge difficult emotions such as fear, grief, or disappointment, then we find that we are also missing out on joy, love, innovation & belonging. A full life embraces all human experience with courage & is not afraid to show weakness when we are feeling weak, sadness when we are feeling sad. An important lesson in these fast moving times when everyone is trying so hard to show their best face all the time. In truth, our favourite teachers, our favourite people are not the ones who pretend they never get anything wrong or feel down; on the contrary, they are the ones who own up to their weaknesses as a sign of their humanity.

HAPPINESS by Matthieu Ricard

Matthieu Ricard is the monk who made the international news a few years ago, when scientists put electrodes onto his skull & deduced that this Buddhist monk was the happiest person in the world! In this book, Matthieu Ricard shows how happiness is not just an emotion, but a skill that can be developed. Before he became a monk, Ricard was a Biologist, so his approach is very practical and free of jargon & arcane concepts - this book is a wonderful guide to the practice of being more happy, more of the time & the simple tools, disciplines & tricks that will help you to become the calm, contented person you long to be.

THE YOGA SUTRAS OF PATANJALI translated by Alistair Shearer

Your yoga practice should not be without a working knowledge of the Yoga Sutras - ancient, but vital teachings on what yoga is, what is the purpose of life, how yoga works & what to do to learn how to allow the mind to fall into peaceful stillness behind thought. I have many translations, but this is one of my favourites: the introduction is scholarly, but accessible & the translation authentic, but very easy for the modern reader to understand.

BROKEN OPEN by Elizabeth Lesser

I think this book might have saved my life. I found it when I was in a difficult place & Elizabeth Lesser's kind voice, years of experience & honesty helped me to find compassion for myself & for others in the darkest of times. It is a book I turn to regularly for a dose of Elizabeth's compassion, for her kind voice, for her understanding & for the advice she offers on living well, forgiving fully & deepening spiritual practice.

Happy reading!!

Please share books you love, or that have meant a lot to you below... I am always looking for new books to read & love...

This weekend I took part in a workshop run by Kate Binnie, a pioneer in bringing yoga into hospices and an inspiring teacher. Kate has been working in hospices for years, helping those in the final stages of their lives to enjoy a little bit of movement, whether in their beds or in wheelchairs, bringing family groups together in shared breathing practices that help to calm anxiety and lessen fear, and using yoga in its most authentic sense: as a peaceful, grounding practice that touches every layer of being.

"The One you are looking for is the One who is looking" So wrote St Francis of Assisi. I find this reassuring during those periods when I feel that I am not sure where I am going, or what the point is. Those times when you feel that you have lost your way a little bit, or when you don't like yourself very much; when you start being hard on yourself or when you feel like giving up; when you have lost your clarity or you just feel low on energy. Whatever your particular way of getting lost is.

What I think he means is that what you are looking for is already there; the peace of mind that you seek is within you. It is not so much a finding of it, but a letting go of all the stuff that lies between you and it.

Here's how Rumi put it: "This longing you express is the return message." In other words, your longing, your seeking for truth, your understanding that there is something else, is your answer; it is your calling. Erich Schiffman writes: "The solution to anything is to slide into a feeling of peace instead of thrashing around to find the answer ... When you experience your essence, you will feel this natural lovingness within yourself without having to do anything"

When we take these teachings (from those much wiser than us) to heart, what we realise is this: that we don't have to keep running so fast - either towards the things that we hope will prove our worth (to ourselves; to others) or away from the truth of who we really are and what we really need and want from this life. Most of all, we don't need to waste energy on being who we are not; we should only work to reveal the beautiful truth of who we already are. It takes courage to trust that you are already enough. It takes faith to believe the path is rising to meet you. Are you brave enough to let the world know exactly who you are and to trust that that which you are seeking is seeking you right back?

We have to practise wisdom. There are things that we know to be true and yet lose sight of every day. Just knowing isn't enough; we have to practise what we know.

Believing that you have enough and knowing that you are enough is one of these things.

If you are telling yourself every day that you don't have enough money, sleep, wisdom, energy, confidence, experience to do the things that you want and need to do, then you will come to believe it. This will make you afraid and will stop you from doing all the things you would like to do.

If you cannot appreciate all that you have achieved, how far you've come, the money you have earned, who you are, for thinking about the miles you have yet to go to reach your goals, then you will forever feel inadequate and limited. Don't postpone your gladness until you have more, weigh less or achieve something new; you know that to defer your happiness in this way is never to reach it.

And somehow we all bought into the idea that if you have enough money, anything is possible, when we know that money without love is meaningless and wealth without personal courage is worthless. Do what you can with what you have available to you and don't let lack of funds be your excuse.

Practice is as simple as taking five minutes every night to be grateful for how much you've done that day, for the friendship of others, for the small things that made your day better, whether it was lunch with a friend, a tick on your to do list, or a walk in the sunshine. It switches your brain chemistry around, so that instead of feeling the pressure of not enough, you get to climb into bed with a smile on your face and the feeling of contentment. There might be more to do tomorrow, but today was good.

Gratitude grows then, and a positive outlook; not one in which we berate ourselves for all of the ways we lack and are lacking, but one in which we hold space for all that we have, all that we are, and all that we are becoming.

Perhaps instead of signing up to a mindfulness course, or trying to establish a meditation practice, all you really need to do is commit to practising relaxation regularly.

We're all really good at the doing of life - striving, setting goals, working hard and getting things done - it's the calming ourselves down part, the letting go of stress and worry that we could use some help with.

Relaxation practice is not doing nothing: it's the active process of sparking up the peaceful half of your nervous system.

If you have been struggling with sleeplessness, headaches, anxiety, back pain or IBS, stress, anger, depression; if you seem to catch every bug that's going around, or you feel constantly exhausted, then it could be that a regular relaxation practice will change your life for the better.

In addition to this, your capacity to remain calm in the face of challenge and difficulty will revolutionise the way you live, your capacity for forgiving yourself for all of your little mistakes will increase, your worries won't seem so overwhelming any more and your frustrations with everyday life will diminish.

Relaxing is how you set yourself straight again when the world has wrung you out.Relaxing makes us better humans. Might as well start tonight.

As if there is someone better that you are supposed to be! You cannot turn yourself into someone else, better not waste your time trying. In any case, if you lose 10 pounds or run that marathon, if you earn that amount of money or get that promotion do you really think that the worries that keep you awake at night will cease? That your suspicions about your deep inadequacy will magically be shed like the weight, cast off with the miles run? Of course not.

There is so much joy, peace and happiness to be found in the realisation that you are already whole and good and have so much to give. It doesn't cost anything and you can start right now.

Find someone you admire, not because they are rich or beautiful, but because they seem to be happy and full of generosity, because they move through difficult times with grace, because they are authentic - use that person as your inspiration. Look beyond the surface of things to find your heroes.

Don't wait! Don't put it off until you are thinner, more financially secure, braver, have company. Don't procrastinate! Start here, where you are today, start talking to yourself as if you were your own best friend, start being kinder to other people, as you wish others were kinder to you, start taking the pressure off yourself, smile at the world and see if it smiles back (and when it doesn't, don't let it get you down, learning how to bear that is called resilience). Stick with it! What you are embarking upon is a way of living, an internal transformation, an experiment in kindness and acceptance directed both inwards to yourself and outwards to a world which is sorely in need of it. And as you move forward in this way, you will surely begin to notice how all the other facets of your life simply fall into place, either because they are the natural outcome of the way you are living, or because the new way you are living helps you to sort that which is necessary from that which is only background noise.

It's not easy, this continual turning back towards what truly matters - if it was easy then everybody would be doing it and they quite clearly are not. You will be ranging yourself against the power of global advertising to make you feel inadequate, you will oftentimes find yourself turning away from the group, as you prioritise your health and well-being over group dynamics. But deep down, you know what is important and in small increments you can create a life dedicated to seeking and abiding with those things. You will feel the benefit, no doubt, but more important than that, so will everyone else around you: energised and happy people give more, have more time for others, are kinder and more patient. So what works for you will work for everyone else too.

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