Today David Cameron flew to Russia to meet Vladimir Putin. Their talks took place in private, but thanks to sources close to the two men we’ve been able to put together a clear picture of the key exchanges.

Putin[grinning mischievously]: “May I offer you a cup of tea, Mr Dave?”

Cameron: “Er… no, thank you. I, er, never touch tea, actually. Watching my weight. Doctor’s orders. Very strict. No tea. For the good of my health. Although I’m sure your Russian tea is very nice, extremely tasty and not at all dangerous!”

Putin: “No? Then what else can I offer? How about the tip of an umbrella? Ah ha ha ha ha!”

Cameron: “The tip of an umbrella! Ah ha ha ha ha! Very good, Mr President, very droll! The tip of an umbrella! [Pause.] But seriously, no, I wouldn’t like the tip of an umbrella, thank you very much, just to make that clear. No tip of an umbrella for me. Really no need. Please.”

Putin[calling out to servant]: “Yevgeny! The Prime Minister does not wish for the tea or the tip of an umbrella. Take them away.”

Servant: “Very good, Mr President. I reserve them for next visit of Mr Obama.”

Putin: “Now, Mr Dave, down to business. Have you ever wrestle naked with Siberian tiger?”

After the talks, the two men gave a televised press conference. At the end Mr Cameron ventured a few words about Syria. “It’s no secret we have had differing views on how best to handle this situation,” he said, with exquisite understatement. “But we share fundamental aims: to end the conflict, to stop Syria fragmenting, to let the Syrian people choose who governs them, and to prevent the growth of violent extremism.”

While Mr Putin was speaking to camera in Russian, it was touching to watch Mr Cameron’s face, with its look of intense concentration, as if he were taking in every word.

It was over quickly, this being a traditional Russian press conference and thus featuring no questions from the press. If nothing else, perhaps this trip will have given Mr Cameron some new ideas for his Royal Charter.