Anyone who has been around me for more than five minutes has seen my day planner. It’s one of those cheap numbers from CVS, and this year’s version has a kitten on the cover, which is completely ridiculous-looking and unprofessional. But I’m a maniac about it, marking down every single to-do and then anxiously crossing it off when the task is complete.

The planner also supports one of the roles I have in my marriage: control freak. I can tell you what we’re doing every day and likely up to a year in advance. My husband doesn’t use a kitten planner, nor does he care to utilize our shared Google calendar that I set up to inform him of activities like dinner with friends or a trip to Costa Rica.

But I swear I’m fun. I go to music festivals and do things like stand-up paddleboard and I don’t wear power suits with panty hose and sneakers. It’s just that I’m a control freak. Maybe this stems from being a freelance writer and my own lady boss who’s forced to be organized and in control of constant deadlines. Or maybe a therapist would say it’s because my parents were divorced or that I was an overachieving first child. Whatever the reason, my control issues have turned me into an adult that’s unable to let go of the reins.

So when our anniversary rolled around and my husband kindly asked that I take the backseat and let him plan a surprise two-week trip, I kind of wanted to barf. Before I sound like a selfish jerk, let me say how incredibly lucky I am to have someone in my life that would do this for me. I won some kind of relationship jackpot, and it’s not taken for granted. I’m fairly certain that most people would be over the moon about a surprise vacay, but my inner type-A was freaking the eff out.

Rachel A. Sussman, licensed clinical social worker, relationship expert, and author of The Breakup Bible, tells SELF that women always tell her how frustrated they are with having to plan everything in their lives and relationship, but then they freak out when their partner tries to take control. She says, “You can't have it both ways. Relationships work best when they are balanced." It takes the work off your plate when your significant other pitches in and plans a fun date night or takes you on a surprise trip. But yes, it also means you have to hand over some of the control.

My husband explained that I’d learn the destination of our trip AT THE AIRPORT and because we’ve established that he’s not a monster and is a thoughtful human being, he gave me a packing list. Still, the thought of this gave me serious heart palpitations and underarm sweating.

Because I didn’t know where we were going (it ended up being Vietnam, btw), I couldn’t create a well-curated spreadsheet of possible hotel options and flip through photos and mean comments on Trip Advisor. And because I didn’t know our location, I couldn’t plan on where to eat and obsessively read Yelp reviews. Also, I couldn’t properly pack or create a themed vacation inspiration board on Pinterest.

My only option was to let someone else do the planning and to let go of this role in my marriage for a while. As equal partners, we’ve swapped tasks before when I was once in charge of organizing finances and gave it up because I was terrible at the job. Relinquishing control over planning was hard, but also freeing.

According to Sussman, “Couples roles don't necessarily need to be equal, but they need to feel balanced; it's not unusual for one person to manage the finances and another person to be in charge of vacation planning and entertaining. That's all fine and good if everyone feels that both roles are equally important to the relationship and that each party does a good job at their role.” She goes on to explain that getting out of your comfort zone can be very beneficial. "It's nice to change places from time to time and get some new insight and experience, and folks should be able to do this without feeling too possessive of their role or feeling that their role is being taken away from them.”

It turns out that my husband planned the perfect trip to Vietnam—in fact, it was our best vacation to date and we’ve traveled together a lot. He managed to sneakily order a visa, find out my vaccine status, and book two weeks' worth of hotels, tours, and transportation to a country I’d dreamed of visiting for years. He was the one who curated those spreadsheets, made the reservations, and created list upon list in order to deliver the ideal getaway.

We spent two weeks buzzing around on scooters in Saigon, splashing in the blue-green waters of the South China Sea, and slurping herbaceous bowls of steaming Pho and drinking cheap beer on tiny tables in Hanoi. Some days were planned with adventures; but most were left up to what we’d like to do on a whim, because, ironically, he planned it that way.

Since we’ve been back, I’ve returned to being the official planner of the relationship, but I keep the control freak at bay. I don’t obsess over plans, but look forward to them instead. As far as vacations, that’s my husband’s new job—no kitten planner necessary.