Quotes from "Hillennium"
Written by Johnny Hardwick
Directed by Tricia Garcia

CHAPPY: I'm not panicking. You wanna know why? Because Chappy takes care of Chappy. Want a piece of corn bread? Make it myself with no electric tools.
HANK: Must be the elbow grease that makes it taste so good, huh?
CHAPPY: That or the lard. Render it myself.
HANK: You're like a pioneer, Chappy.
CHAPPY: I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse, I eat what I kill. Let the grid go down, Lord, I don't need it.
HANK: Uh... there isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there, Chappy?

DALE: The real problem will be obtaining fresh meat. A breeding pair of gerbils.
NANCY: Dale, honey, one of those is a hamster.
DALE: Laugh now, lady. After a month of eating cockroaches, you will be begging for gerbster.

(Peggy's musings)"Although there is no 'l' in Christmas, there is 'Noel' in Christmas."

PEGGY: I need hard copies! I could lose everything, Hank. Seven-letter Boggle words, my Peggy Hill self-abridged Thesaurus, musings, ponderings on their way to being musings -- "rap music, wrapping paper?" I know I can crack that nut.

HANK: Peggy, why don't you take off that nasal strip? Maybe your snoring will drown out the sound of that dang printer.
PEGGY: Do not blame me. Blame the freakin' millennium.

CLERK: Shoot. Our computer is down. I can't ring you up.
HANK: Well, then, just write me out a receipt.
CLERK: Sir, the computer is down. I can't sell you a computer, I can't check our inventory, I can't lock the front door. It's impossible to figure out the sales tax.
HANK: It's eight percent.
CLERK: Yes. And "eight" is a key on the computer.

DALE: My Dew!!!(to the Gerbil) How could you do this to me, Puff-Puff?

DALE: Hank, I have dedicated my life to getting ahead of others in times of crisis. This is my time.
HANK: Fine. It's your time. So what do we do?
DALE: I have no idea.

CHAPPY: All right, you're gonna need your own wheat grinder. I'll teach you how to grow your own mung beans in old paper towels. I live in a shack and I poop in an outhouse.
DALE (to Hank): That's it!? This is your go-to guy!? An outhouse and monkey beans? I couldn't take on the freaking bicentennial with an outhouse and monkey beans, let alone the millennium!
CHAPPY: Is that a dig?
DALE: You listen to me, Clem Kadiddlehopper, and you listen good. 1.2 trillion lines of lethal software code --
HANK: Yeah, and 30 billion embedded microchips --
DALE: All going down! Utilities will fail! Nuclear weapons will launch themselves!

CHAPPY: Please, my wife is in a wheelchair. All she wants for Christmas is a big fat dog with lots of meat on his haunches.
DALE: I'll take all nine of those little dogs on top. Wrap them up.

LUANNE: Bobby, I got you a Discman, and, Uncle Hank, I got you a pair of Timberland boots. And I got toilet paper and a laundry mangle.

TOM LANDRY MOLE: Hello, Hank.
HANK-A-MOLE: Coach Landry, you've got to get off that platform. It's a peg-and-gear. In a couple of seconds, it's gonna push you off that hole.
TOM LANDRY MOLE: I know.
HANK-A-MOLE: But aren't you scared? You're gonna get whacked.
TOM LANDRY MOLE: Not every time, Hank. The times you don't, it's pretty sweet. Sunshine, fresh air, a little football on the TV in the arcade. Every time I go up, I see a little more. Well, my turn again.

HANK: The year 2000 happens only once in the history of man, and we're darn lucky to see it happen. Peggy, do you remember how excited you were when you rolled over the odometer in your Buick? Well, imagine if the whole world had been in that car with you.

(Hank burns the rolls of toilet paper)KAHN: Hey, hillbillies, those aren't logs, you know. Yeah, they for wipie-wipie.