Do you allow your kids to negotiate with you?

“Mom, can I have a cookie?” “No.” “Please?” “No.” “Why not?” Because it’s almost dinner time.” “Can I have half a cookie?” “No.” “Can I have a quarter of a cookie?” ” No.” “Can I have a crumb?” “No.” “Please? It’s just a crumb.” “Okay yes, you can have a crumb.”

I finally give in to the smallest request because I know if I don’t she never will never stop. If I say no to the crumb the next thing will be “I can’t even have a crumb? What’s wrong with having a crumb?” I say yes so that she feels she has a bit of a victory.

But here’s my question…when did no stop being no? Since when is no just the jumping off point in the negotiation? Are these kids taking “don’t take no for an answer” to a whole new level? My daughter never walks away at no. She doesn’t always take it to the crumb, but she will always try to bargain her way into 10 more minutes of this or one more bite of that.

Is this my fault? Wait, don’t answer that. I’m not a pushover parent but I do allow her to have a discussion with me because I hated when I was a kid and my parents wouldn’t even listen to my argument. They are the reason I AM someone who takes no for an answer! But not my youngest. If I happen to say yes to something immediately she almost looks disappointed that it’s the end of the conversation.

So I guess I need to let her negotiate. She is gaining mad skills from it. I believe she is going to be a ruthless lawyer some day. Or a real pain in the butt to some poor guy.

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what you described i would call ‘haggling’ not ‘negotiating’.
When my kids try to haggle with me they often get ‘i said no, if you eat your dinner you can have cookies for dessert’, because i do find that in those situations if you give an inch they’ll take a mile.

Most other situations i am totally open to negotiating if they are able to convince me with logic and not nagging.

Mandy

My 3yo DS likes to negotiate. That’s ok, mommy can do that too. He wants to eat before dinner? We work it out. Either he accepts one of what I’m offering or nothing. He’s getting wise to the game though and if he’s really truly hungry NOW, he’ll skip right to asking for something I’ll offer.

His other trick is the “Mommy would you like…?” game. he’ll offer me a cookie, or cheese stick, or whatever, in the hopes that once he’s enticed me, he’ll get to have one too.

I do think some skills about how to negotiate and when it’s appropriate are important. Some things are negotiable (wear his superman cape to the store? we’ll talk) and some things never are (hand holding in a parking lot? you bet your life).

onemusingmama

Negotiating is a skill. Badgering and bothering are just annoying. The problem is that by giving in after saying no, you are encouraging the badgering to continue in the future, she knows if she can just out-annoy you that you’ll say yes. Negotiating means each person gives a little and gets a little. What are you getting out of this “negotiation”? (I’m working on this, my kids are expert at whining and badgering.)

I always say, “I said no, and if you could keep asking me, you won’t have them tomorrow, either.” It doesn’t aggravate me that they keep trying…I mean, I would if I were them. Every once in a while, you might hit pay dirt, a mom who is trying to watch her show or finish something, and she won’t realize what she is saying yes to :-). But, when I say no and don’t ask me again, and they ask me again, then I get aggravated.

You know, after thinking about this, I think I know where this starts. So, when they are little bitty, you start them off by learning to say “please?” Because it’s nice manners. So, when they ask for something and they can only speak in one word responses, you say, “Say please!” Well, my daughter, she got wise to this. So now, if she asks for something and we say “no,” She will say sweetly, “Please??” And we will say, “Thank you so much for saying please! But still no.” And then smile sweetly back. And she will go off and be mad for a second. I think it’s pretty cute. Not cute enough to change my mind, though.

Allison

I negotiate with my 2 year old, but I try really hard not to do it after I already said no. This means saving no for the times when there is absolutely no chance.

Jenna

I agree that negotiation is a valuable skill however in the situation you described I don’t agree that it is appropriate. Continuously asking for a smaller piece of cookie is less negotiation more nagging. No should mean no. She keeps going because she knows she will eventually win and that is not a great life lesson. I have witnessed this tactic on so very many occasions and when you eventually give in you just told your child “what I say doesn’t really matter so you don’t have to listen to me” which also does not bode well for the future. If you are going to allow for a “negotiation” I would refrain from telling her no in the first place. I try to pause before answering my son, because there have been times where I was too quick to say no and I wished it hadn’t come out of my mouth, but once it’s out there it doesn’t change. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves so I enforce it in my home above all else really.

Layne

I try to do both. Some things are negotiable and some things are not, bed time and nap time are not, when to get out of tub is, “if you get out now we can watch a music video”.

Helen Crispin

I think healthy negotiating on certain points is important to a child’s development. We don’t want our kids to turn into conflict-fearing adults. They are the adults that get walked all over because they don’t have negotiating skills. However, it needs to be balanced with respect for authority. My kids know not to try to negotiate rule-breaking, but they can negotiate their circumstances and even, in some cases, the rules themselves.
Examples:
1. Bedtime is at 8 for our son, 7:30 for our daughters. School nights: No rule breaking, don’t even try it. Weekend: come up with a good reason to stay up later and we’ll talk.

2. Snacks between meals. If they’ve been playing outside, dinner is late, or and/or the desired snack is healthy, they can ask. If they can explain why they want it, they’ll usually get it.

3. Clothing. Rule: clean, modest, and weather-appropriate. No wiggle room on those three restrictions. For anything else, I don’t like it when the girls wear sundresses over jeans and long sleeved shirts, especially on school days, but they almost always get away with it.

FInal say: Nagging
Don’t do it. Once I’ve listened and given my answer, that’s the way it is going to be. Don’t repeat the same argument, question, or whine at me. It’s annoying, and I will find something else for you to do to keep you too busy to nag me.

I’m going to agree with the previous posters, this is not negotiating. Ordinarily I would call it flat out disrespectful, but I can’t blame her since you’ve taught her it’s okay to argue with you (yes, that’s what’s happening here). I appreciate you wanting her to learn how to negotiate, but there’s a time and a place for it. If you really don’t want her to spoil her dinner then say no, if she continues to argue with you then send her to her room (or whatever your standard punishment is). Because sometimes no means no, and that’s an important lesson too. She does this to you, does she do it to other people too? Because at some point that will start. This behavior is a great way to end up in trouble at school or loose a few friends.

For me, I know my son will do this. He already does the toddler version of it. I’ll tell him “no touch”, “stay here”, or something to that effect. And he’ll listen for a moment, then try to do whatever it is he wants to do anyways. All while watching me and moving slowly, just to see what I’ll do. I ALWAYS give him one more chance before removing him from the situation and if he fights me he goes into his crib for a few minutes. If he minds what I tell him he’s generally rewarded in some way or another. As a result I have a kid that does what he’s told. I took him to Disney World last week and he handled waiting in line better than virtually every other child. Even when he was first in line to meet his princesses. I told him not to go past the rope and he did it. The willpower there, just amazing considering he had to look up to see the rope. Any other 15 month old would have just walked off. Out of the entire ten days we were there he only disobeyed a few times and it got him removed from line and placed in his stroller. As a result we never had the same problem twice in one day because he wanted to go on his rides.

Now this isn’t to say you should be a bully and never give options. I frequently give my son options, right now they’re small and without much wiggle room. But as he gets older I’ll give more opportunities for him to negotiate. You want to go to your friends house? Fine, convince me why I should drive you over on a school night? A good argument will see me getting my car keys. Same goes for many other things, what to have for dinner, those cool new sneakers, staying up later on a weekend, etc. You don’t need to teach you’re kid to badger you when you’ve said no and mean it. Save your sanity and set hard limits.

Stacy

When I say No and don’t want to hear any whining or begging I simply add on “asked and answered.” It probably wouldn’t work on a 2 yr old but on my 5 year old it works great!

Laura

I am more than happy to have conversations, but repeating the same thing over and over again (either with me or your sister/brother) is not a conversation. Do you have new information to give me? Then by all means do so, but don’t just talk to talk or my patience will run thin.

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