Thursday’s Workwear Report: Knit Herringbone Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This blazer totally had me at hello – I love elbow patches… and light blue blazers… and knit blazers… and herringbone prints on knit blue blazers with elbow patches. (Whoa! And it’s machine wasahble!) It’s also available in gray, and both colors are available in regular, petite and plus sizes, exclusively online, for $130 – but like its sister site Ann Taylor, Loft is known for the sale of the day, so keep an eye out. As fate would have it there are some great things in the sale section, including this sleeved sheath dress with pockets under $30 (all size ranges!) and this very similar knit blazer (sizes 16-26 only) down to $50. Pictured: Herringbone Knit Blazer

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Comments

So I’m a little late but I read through the post the other day extolling the virtues of Turbo Tax and as a CPA, I sort of had to laugh (actually I did laugh). Turbo Tax might seem great but even though it might ask you about everything, that doesn’t mean it actually calculates everything correctly or optimizes your deductions/credits EVEN WHEN IT SAYS IT DOES. Sorry, lol. Just because we’ve had many clients who prepare their own returns via Turbo Tax and bring them in to compare and literally Turbo Tax is wrong so much of the time. Plus, I’ve prepared my own returns several times using Turbo Tax and have had to literally print it out and change things manually (or add additional forms) before I could submit it manually to the IRS instead of e-filing. For example – last year it wanted to give me a deduction for tuition rather than the Lifetime learning credit which would have lost me an extra $400 or so. This was only something I caught because I’m so familiar with the tax laws, Turbo Tax told me the tuition deduction was my best bang for my buck when it was not. Again, not to completely bash Turbo Tax but if your taxes are at all complicated (i.e. anything besides a w-2 and some 1099s), I would not recommend it. And also, if you are paying for your returns to be prepared, find a CPA (not just an accountant).

Now that I have a K-1 with many states and one foreign country involved, I use the same CPA that my other partners use. And I’m a tax attorney. I also have a payroll service do my nanny taxes for me.

IMO, if you just have a W-2 and some 1099s (for INT, DIV, etc.), you are probably OK. But if your 1099s are for uber driving or you have an AirBNB or something else complex, it’s best to find someone similar to you locally and use the CPA they use. They will be used to your issues and any state/local issues that you may not be aware of.

In response to comments below, you are generally going to get what you pay for. If you want to gamble with things being done incorrectly, or paying a lower cost CPA, then fine, do it. But accept the consequences when they come up. If you want things done correctly, and securely, take the time and effort to find a reputable CPA who is familiar with issues similar to yours. And be willing to pay a fair price for it. For CPAs (and many other professionals) their time is what they sell–be cognizant of that.

This is very helpful, thank you for posting. I used a CPA when I was in law school because my taxes were more complicated – I went to law school and had a little income in State A, summer associate in State B, and permanent residence (parent’s house) and a tiny bit of income in State C. TurboTax said I owed federal and in all three states. I took it to a CPA and got more than enough back to cover the CPA’s fees. Oddly enough, now that I’m an associate my taxes are much less complicated (one W-2 from one state and a 1099 from my bank) and I’m back to using TurboTax.

That’s not the norm for a reputable place. I wouldn’t recommend just going to any random sole practitioner. I have worked at three different firms and we have very sophisticated software, which is why I can turn up my nose at a turbo tax. Plus, we have the skills to know when the software has mistakes.

This is partially correct. My dad is a CPA and just retired after owning his own firm for 30 years. He bought TurboTax to keep doing taxes for family but the TurboTax he bought is 3 levels (and 3 times the price) above what a random person uses…..and he knows what to input and how to recognize if something is wrong.

I think it is a lot more likely that you are going to find/use an unethical accountant who takes dedications that you don’t actually qualify for than that turbo tax miscalculates your return. And I also know a lot of accountants who do taxes – they use software that is basically the same as turbo tax and nobody is calculating the numbers by hand.

The CPA is a professional Iicense so any reputable CPA would not be taking dodgy deductions. I have no idea what kind of places you’ve been going to but a typical accounting firm uses software that’s WAY more sophisticated than turbo tax. Speaking as someone with 5+ years in public accounting firms, I think you have very little idea of what CPAs actually do.

Echoing Anon at 9:40- I mentioned in the other thread that I help low income folks file taxes through the United Way (I’m a lawyer by trade) and we often had to redo returns created by over-achieving (euphemism for unethical) accountants who were claiming way too many unqualified deductions- HR Block was completely guilty of this too. I would love to hire a really good accountant, but my experience seeing what I saw, has me spooked on how to know someone is doing things correctly.

Sorry ‘CPA here’ also want to add, I feel like we are piling it on high- but this probably applies to lawyers in other contexts too if it makes you feel better, I often eye roll at what I see other lawyers (especially baby lawyers, or worst of all law students) suggesting people do.

Also worth considering cybersecurity. TurboTax is what it is, a big corp with portals, not that that is a guarantee. My local CPA…apparently had none, jist physical locks on the door. Till they got hacked, and my whole family’s info is out there now.

Very legitimate concern but literally most firms are very careful about cybersecurity – I guess my rec then is to not use just a random sole practitioner but a firm. At least at my current firm, we even have to do a dual authentication login just to get into our email on our work computers.

that’s all great and all for YOU .. but most people can’t pay the $600+ that a firm charges and it is so out of touch for you to expect that people with basic tax situations should be expected to do so

on an unrelated note, I kind of feel like I live in a post-cyber-safety world. I’ve accepted the risk of modern living and I just move on with my life, knowing that at any time I could have to deal with getting a new credit card, changing passwords, checking credit reports, etc.

serious Q, who actually feels like their personal/identify/financial information is safe on the internet, literally anywhere? from retail, hotels – to even the entities who are supposed to keep us safe. hello? experian, equifax, et al?

I’ll just be patiently waiting here, waiting for someone to hack my Fed Loan down to $0 :)

I don’t, I’ve almost given up caring. If someone wants to, they can track you in one of a million ways, and there’s really no getting out of that unless you live in the woods off the grid. I am going to set up 1 password or something similar this quarter though— it’s bee on my to-do list and should make things at least a *little safer* I hope.

I use LastPass. It pushes me to be better about not using the same password on multiple sites and to use it’s password generator feature…which would both be GREAT. But I just don’t. However, I do use auto generated passwords for a handful of sites: my two main banks, AmEx, FB, and Gmail. I figure keeping those secure is worth the trouble and would allow me to contain the damage if something gets hacked.

Honestly just meant to tell people that’s turbo tax isn’t really that great when you’re a tax professional and can pick up on the loads of mistakes that people easily make all the time using it. You do you, I just know that if I personally didn’t have my years of experience working in taxes, using turbo tax would cost me a lot of money in refunds for legitimate deductions/credits that I’m entitled to.

I used an accountant once, and it was great and I got a huge refund. And then the IRS came calling for penalties and back taxes. I eventually got out of the penalties, but still owed the back taxes and a lot of interest. It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. Now I use TurboTax and take only the most basic deductions and credits. It’s way cheaper and way better for my sanity because I know everything I’m doing is legit.

Any good CPA firm should have been able to get the interest abated too if the penalties were removed. Plus most firms would cover the cost of a mistake that was the fault of one of their practitioners – that’s why malpractice insurance for CPA firms does exist (just as with law firms).

So, I was a 1099 contract employee for a little while and got nervous about how much I should be withholding, so I went to a CPA to get help with that. Since that point in time, I have continued to use them even though I’m now a W-2 employee. I also found that due to various investment income, I could never just use the free version of turbo tax and all of the sudden it was like $80+ to file both federal and state taxes. I’d rather put that money plus more towards a real live person, but that is my preference.

which is what everyone on this site has been saying on the prior posts too. No one is trying to talk a k-1 partner into using turbo tax, but most of your posts sound like EVERYONE IN THE WORLD should be using a CPA. That is just not a realistic or practical viewpoint

I know folks here have had their own real-estate dramas – mostly just posting to vent.
So, we’ve been trying to sell our house and we got an offer. Went through first inspection, didn’t hear from the buyers right away, which was weird…then we heard last night that they are pulling out of the sale via the inspection contingency because the inspection discovered a minor, repairable issue with the roof that we were going to offer to take care of (it’s under $1k to fix it). Our agent thinks it has more to do with the fact that the husband and wife weren’t in agreement on making the offer in the first place (wife loved our house, husband didn’t).
I am disappointed but not devastated; it wasn’t a great offer (it was a VA loan deal several thousand below our asking price; it was a tough negotiation to get under contract as they wanted us to pay “buyer’s assistance” originally; they didn’t put down much earnest money and they were looking at financing 100% of the purchase price) and I feel like now we have a chance to get a better offer.
DH, however, is acting like this is the end of the universe as we know it and basically threw a temper tantrum in front of our son last night. He’s usually pretty level-headed about things but he’s acting like a toddler. I am disappointed too, but also feel like – if we got one offer, right at the start of prime home-buying season in our area, we will get another one. I am having a hard time being civil this morning because I’m so disgusted at his behavior. Ugh.

In real estate transactions you have to roll with the punches. People will change their minds; in this case it’s pretty minor and typical, though I agree it’s still annoying. Husband needs to toughen up because it’s quite possible it will happen again either on the selling or buying end.

Fix the roof and be done with it. You will get another offer–but repair the roof–it’s a big deal in real estate because it’s something that if not fixed leads to much bigger issues down the road. Also if it’s such a minor fix and owners haven’t fixed it, it makes me the buyer wonder what else is lurking that will be found after move in…

Me again. Yup, we just walked away after inspection when the seller of our dream home (at least on paper) wouldn’t negotiate (at least you were willing!). They actually came back to us just this morning looking to negotiate and we said no thanks. After two days of marinating on the decision and re-reading our inspection report 5 times there was just too much small deferred maintenance, in addition to the two big items we went back to them all, that adds up to a lot of thousands of dollars. IF all of the little stuff were handled, the big stuff wouldn’t be so daunting. So, I echo the “fix the roof” sentiment – you know it will come up again and I believe now you have to disclose it anyway since you know about it. Once less thing that could be seen as a ding against what’s probably otherwise a great house.

Be optimistic. The spring market is just starting. Your husband is being emotional because this is an emotional and stressful process. Give him some space and then get back out there with a fixed roof!

I agree here, too. You said it’s less than $1000 to fix the roof. That’s peanuts and you can make that back on the sale. I recall a show that used to be on HGTV — they took $2000, spruced up a couple of rooms (fresh paint, a couple of easy DIY projects, maybe a little bit of landscaping, rip up some nasty carpet, etc — simple stuff) and what they were able to make up in the sale of the home was completely worth the time, effort, and $$$.

I agree that Stay or Go that buying/selling a house is emotional and stressful — for everyone involved. Your husband needs to recognize this. Anyone with kids isn’t planning on making a move until school is out. They may start looking now or soon, so this was just a blip on the radar, and you pretty much had an inkling it wasn’t going to be a go when the husband and wife that were looking at buying the house weren’t in agreement on it in the first place. .

Stay or Go, it sounds like you made a good decision. DH and I bought a house a few months ago with a lot of deferred maintenance. The house was renovated in 2003 and sold in 2012. The previous owner seems to have done nothing for the 6 years he lived there, and just 6 years builds up–I can’t imagine decades of deferred maintenance. We spent about $7K fixing an old heater and duct work (which we knew about from a previous inspection the owner disclosed and factored into our offer). We’ve been in the house for 3 months, and we take on a project every weekend. We’ve fixed leaky sinks and broken cabinet drawers, replaced missing hardware, tightened loose door knobs, replaced weather stripping, re-caulked. In our area, it’s pretty much time to start yard work, and we’ve got weeds and vines everywhere. We’ve gotten into the home repairs and sortof taken it on as a project to do together, but I doubt we could manage much more.

Repairing the roof could really set back their time frame, depending on what exactly needs to be done. I had major roof work done last summer and the company (very reputable, highly recommended) refused to schedule the work until temps were consistently above 75 degrees in the area. The adhesive on the shingles just doesn’t seal in winter/spring/fall. This company’s productive season is much shorter than their competitors’, but their work lasts because they only do it when the weather is appropriate.

If it’s that type of repair, OP is better off offering the money to the buyer so they can have the project completed at the proper time of year.

no aevice, but commiserating – My husband, who has gone through the house buying process three times, is completely emotional about it in ways I wouldn’t have ever expected. It is a stressful stressful situation when you are dealing with large sums of money and decisions that are, to a large extent, irrevocable. I think it brings out some kind of primal housing security instinct.

Could use some help here – how do I get over a crush on my boss where it feels mutual? Boss and I have a natural chemistry that is becoming obvious to our coworkers – we chat and laugh throughout the day, have a ton of inside jokes and will leave the office to commute home together somewhat regularly. Some coworkers have remarked on it. Boss also makes comments hinting at unhappiness in his marriage. I love my job but want to remain aboveboard and I’m worried that my coworkers are suspicious that something may be going on. What should I do?

yeah – most of the posters who comment about work crushes are totally innocent. Superanon, it sounds to me like you’re going really far with his. Sounds like from his marriage comments that he’s also gone way too far – which means you need to rely on yourself to get out of this situation, even if it’s butting up against his actions.

also the fact that coworkers are commenting on it is **horrifying**. That alone should spur you to change your actions and create distance right now.

Stop socializing and commuting together? Surprised that you are attracted to a guy who is such an a-hole that he’s talking about his marital satisfaction with his subordinates. How would you feel if your DH was behaving as he is behaving?

And the fact that your coworkers are commenting on this means you need to make changes ASAP if you don’t want to wreck your rep, you don’t want accomplishments tainted by this.

People complaining about their marriages is always a total red flag to me- it’s like sh*t or get off the pot… don’t create an opening to an affair as if it is justified (not talking about open marriages- that’s a totally different subject).

+1 stop commuting with him. He’s acting incredibly unprofessionally to encourage this and to make hints about his marital unhappiness to you. Shut it down, make a point to leave at a different time, avoid him, actively pursue dates with other people (who aren’t colleagues), and if it’s too difficult to do that, look for a new job.

You focus on the fact that this guy is a bad person. He’s betraying his marriage by complaining to another women – his subordinate no less – about problems in his marriage when he should be addressing those issues with his wife. He’s taking advantage of his position as your boss to have inappropriate conversations with you – and no I don’t care that you’ve participated too, he is the superior, he has a professional responsibility to not cross a line with subordinates. This is not someone you want to get involved with.

Something is going on – you are having an emotional affair with your boss. If you coworkers are saying stuff to your face they have been talking about this amongst themselves for much longer. You passed above board around that time

^this. If you’ve already HEARD what your coworkers are saying, imagine how long they’ve been talking about it and how much worse what they say behind your back is! Never commute together again. Cut down on the chatting. Stop stop stop
(Also, as many others have pointed out, the fact he is saying negative things about his marriage at work TO SUBORDINATES is messed up and shows poor judgement and that he’s not trustworthy)

Affair just seems like such a loaded, judgmental term to levy at the OP when it does not really apply.

Based on her actions, she has been flirty and friendly with a married man, and travelled home from work with him – that is hardly an offence (regardless of whether she has a crush on him). The guy might be over the line, certainly the professional line, but it seems unfair to hold the OP responsible for someone else’s actions.

The litmus test is whether she takes the unanimous advice that she’s in the danger zone, or if she never checks back in because “we’re just friends” which is the most likely response since it seems she’s already too deep in the fog to think clearly.

And even if she’s not, she can’t “go back to being friends” with this guy. Only purely professional communication, in the event they both stay in their jobs.

The *FIRST* thing you do is get your own ride home from work. ALONE. WITHOUT your boss.

You are treading VERY thin ice here and I think you already recognize it or you wouldn’t be here asking what to do. You need to throw the brakes on this deal rightquickfast and in a hurry. No more inside jokes, no more chit chat, no more being the sounding board about his lousy marriage.

Keep every single dealing with this man absolutely 100% PROFESSIONAL. And if you can’t do that, start polishing up that resume and look for another job.

Don’t want to pile on–I think you already know the right answer but didn’t really want to face it. You really like this guy. I read it. You have a crush on him. You know you have to talk yourself out of this. So, without backing away from that answer, I’m sorry. It does suck. I think most of us have been in a situation where we know we need to pass on someone that we like, so here’s a virtual hug, sister. Now go do the right thing.

Yup. It sounds like he’s super charming. Lots of bad dudes are, unfortunately. Being charmed by someone charming is not a flaw or a fault. And it sounds like he makes you feel special (which you are! but not because of attention from this dude)! But the thing about complaining about his marriage to the subordinate with whom he has this chemistry… red flags. If I’m passing judgment on anyone here, it’s the *boss* who is building up this flirty thing and crossing boundaries, not you, OP.

I’m sorry. I think/hope you’ll be able to have a shift in your mind from “he’s so charming and fun and flirty and we get along great!” to “waaaait why is he being so charming and fun and flirty with me?! that’s not good behavior!” and that will help dissipate the crush.

So play out the scenario…and you’ll know the answer to your question. So what happens when you keep flirting? You keep riding home together? Colleagues keep talking about you? You either voluntarily and openly and intentionally fall into a relationship with a married man who happens TO BE YOUR BOSS. Do you want that? Have you thought about all the implications if you do want it? Are you okay with them? If yes to all, then go ahead…but don’t lie to yourself later saying that “it just happened.”

Or you don’t…and you have just risked all sorts of professional and credibility issues by openly flirting with your boss in a way that is no longer an open secret. Everyone knows about it and are openly talking about it with you. As a working professional, that would scare the living daylights out of me…that I would be known NOT for my professional accomplishments and impact, but for flirting with my boss. Yikes.

As an aside, my DH once cheated on me. We moved past it…took us two years to work through it and I’m in an ok place. But he initially made a comment that “I made a mistake.” And it would enrage me. He didn’t make A mistake…every time he picked up the phone, every time he flirted, every time he did something he knew he shouldn’t do, but he really wanted to, he made a “mistake”. It was not a mistake – it was a series of intentional choices that led to the biggest crisis in our marriage.

Now I know you’re not inadvertently getting into an affair – he is. But just be careful…each intentional choice you make and rationalize for yourself will lead very quickly down a slippery slope to a horrible set of circumstances.

1.5 years of individual therapy (for both) and us together. DH taking full responsibility for his actions and willingness to do soul-searching and understand it came from a place of extremely low self-esteem and anger and frustration (not at us, but at himself), and him working hard (and continuing to work hard) to show me that he’s not taking me and our marriage for granted. Me working hard to combat my anxiety and spiraling issues and coming up with a mantra…which I firmly believe…it’s not that he stopped loving me. It’s that he hated himself/his (professional) life more than he loved me, and he was “escaping” those thoughts with this online relationship. The first 1.5 years – I was an absolute mess. Really. But I kept faith because he was willing to work on it and above all, he is still my best friend and the first person I turn to at all times.

I’m not making excuses. What he did was unacceptable. And to be frank, I lost a little respect for him. But nothing I say or do will match up to the degree of self-contempt he feels and how much he regrets what he did. So that helps. (And yes, he’s working on those feelings as well).

I still get these negative thoughts time to time and I need to remind myself – that is not who he is, that is not our marriage. that was what he did and he is not doing that now. It was hard but with a lot of open conversations and sometimes straight out yelling and fighting, we worked it out and are continuing to work it out.

I hope that helps. Word from the wise – don’t read all those adultery websites and “how do I recover” chats on the interwebs. Some of those stories stay with you and you just need to focus on yours.

I have to say that I’m heartened to see the responses here. My husband works at a place that is fairly incestual meaning lots of people have hooked up and it is not really a secret. He is pretty uncomfortable with all of this and tries to stay out of the drama. One young employee hooked up with an older employee that had formerly supervised her. It is a small office too. The older employee was married and she was engaged. She broke off her engagement and the older employee is getting divorced. The only ramification is he can’t be promoted to a role where he will supervise her again. My husband now really thinks poorly of both the older man and the younger woman. When it comes up in the office with other people the consensus is basically “eh, they’re consenting adults, if they want to blow up their relationships, so be it.”

On the one hand, I’m glad that indiscretions no longer automatically tank a woman’s career. I’m glad that the man is the one being limited currently in his promotional ability. But it’s just kind of weird to me that no one cares about all these people hooking up at work particularly when they could be in the chain of command of each other soon. This one was just extra noteworthy because of the vast age difference. Think 24 and 52. And yes, Mr. 52 is an attractive charmer.

Feel heartened that my work group travels frequently and heavy drinking in the evening is also often involved… and I don’t know of anyone in our group that has cheated on their spouse. They are usually just big old dorks.

STOP!!!! Why are you even asking this? Girl you know better. He’s your married boss!! Your colleagues are noticing and your a ruining your reputation. I know you like and it’s fun, but this will only end badly for you if you do not stop. That’s it, just stop all of it. Keep it professional and stop!

Can anyone help me with a basic tax question? In 2018, I worked up to ten hours per week as a consultant for one company from home (before I got a full time job out of the house). I am looking at the home office deduction, but both of the apartments I lived in while doing the work are small and I therefore cannot claim that the space was used “exclusively” as a home office. However, to use my current apartment as an example, the guest bedroom is used as my office 99% of the time and as a place for our very rare overnight guests 1% of the time. I also store sports equipment there. Does anyone know how strictly the criteria are applied for the deduction? It seems like exclusivity criteria would be biased against people living in small apartments or in houses without dedicated offices even though the space is used as a dedicated workspace nonetheless. While I know an accountant is the best answer for my particular situation, I would be interested to hear about anything that you have heard about how these criteria are treated by the IRS (especially since some of you have reported recently that your accountants didn’t know as much as you expected they would).

My recollection is that the IRS was pretty strict about the criteria because it was a deduction known for abuse. Maybe at one point claiming the deduction was a likely trigger for an audit? But that knowledge maybe old, so I defer to someone with more recent knowledge.

My husband works from home and we were audited the second year we took the deduction. However, his home office is truly a home office with dedicated work computers and its own internet connection. As everything was documented and separate, the audit process was not as scary as it first sounded. However, if we did not take such measures, I would not take the deduction.

Not a tax attorney, but this is a deduction that was used as an example in Tax Law class in law school as one that’s frequently abused. You’re not even referring to the room as your home office, and you only use it for work 10 hours per week. This does not pass the smell test.

But it truly is my home office – it’s a two bedroom apartment, the guest bedroom serves as an office, we have had a guest sleep on the futon in there once, and I still use it for days when I work from home at my full time job. When I worked from home exclusively, I used that space exclusively to do it. I’m genuinely not trying to pull a fast one here.

Even if it’s exclusive use, be careful if you are WFH for your convenience rather than saving your company money. I think the rule of thumb is that if you have another office available to you then you don’t also get the home office deduction. If you WFH because you travel a lot and your company doesn’t want to have to maintain a separate office in your home city, then I think it qualifies. Check the rules, though, and follow them precisely.

Dating app observation: I travel a lot for work and my dating apps change locations as a result. From swiping on men in all these different cities, I’ve found that men in NYC are mostly duds and have more “weird profiles (more half naked shots or strange, hostile facial expressions)”, but men in cities like DC and Chicago tend to blue collar working class men who are normal (ie. Christian and like watching sports). However, I’m also more likely to come across a really stellar profile once in a while in NYC than in other cities, but it’s also possible that those profiles are fake/inactive. So it seems that dating in NYC is not only worse in terms of women to men ratio, but the quality of 30 plus men overall is also worse/weirder.

If you are a 30+ woman in NYC, what has your dating exp been like (online and offline)?

Maybe she means “typical”? As in “accepts xmas presents” not as in “strict fundamentalist.”

I am Christian, but in the former sort of way. Not sure I’d mention on a dating profile except that so many people prefer to date seriously within their faith (non-serious daters aren’t so choosy), that you might as well allow those people to weed themselves out at the outset so as not to waste time.

Right or wrong, if someone identifies themselves as Christian in their dating app I assume they’re super into their faith. Not necessarily strict fundamentalist, more like, goes to church with their family every Sunday. You get so little information about someone from an app, why would you tell me about your faith unless it’s a huge part of your identity? I’ll still swipe on the guy but I’ll ask about it pretty early on; we’re not going to be a match if he expects me to go to church with him all the time.

Because if someone is looking to settle down, they frequently want to do it within their faith, esp. if they see themselves having kids. I’m Espiscopalian and have dated men who are Hindu and Jewish, both times seriously. As things became more serious, it became apparent that some people who think they are open really want to settle down with someone who is like them culturally even if merely dating someone outside of it is fine. If a guy truly in his heart is set on that, I’d rather he just move on and not waste my time. It could also be how dating in your 30s is different than dating in your 20s. And if you’re dating in your late 40s/50s, I think people become more open (likely b/c they have kids already or don’t envision having any/more, so it’s more of an “adult culture” than a “what will our family be like culture” set of questions).

But it is what it is. If a guy really wants someone of his faith, I’m happy to share what mine is so he won’t waste my time. And if someone seems someone doing that as fundamentalist and crazy for just acknowledging my background, I guess that guy may not be for me, either.

Religion is totally a legit thing to sort by in the dating pool, if you’re religious and you’re looking for a potential life partner. Can’t tell you how many couples come into divorce court and can’t agree on “should we baptize the child and if so, what church?” question. That’s kind of fundamental for us religious folks, and seems to me to be something they should have sorted out before agreeing to co-found a family unit. Of course, if you’re looking for a go-to-church type Christian, you might have more luck hunting in a church than on tinder. It is entirely possible to find a single, marriageable, adult human in a church. I did.

Not the OP. 75% of Americans are Christians, so in a statistical sense, it is “normal” to be Christian.

I was not a fan of the OP’s wording, despite being a Christian (and a sports fan), but think it’s important to cut people some slack with how they word things on a blog comments section. Her overall point was that dating profiles change a lot in different areas of the country, and she is likely from an area in which the vast majority of men put their faith in their profiles.

I was surprised by this number, so I did a little searching. The Pew Research Center has some interesting data broken down by location, but it looks like 70.6% of Americans identify as Christian. (I’ll put the link in a separate post). I have to admit that I was surprised it was that high.

But, fwiw, I identify as Christian, but it’s not in my dating profile. As a dating in DC, I have to say that I find that few guys put that in their profile, so I must be getting a different pool of 30+ guys than she is.

I definitely don’t think that single guys generally go to church on Sunday, especially if they are sports fans. Saturday is college sports. Sunday is pro sports. Weekends can be exhausting!

My dating reservations on the computer are 1) he’s married and 2) that picture was screen grabbed from the interwebs somewhere and isn’t really him. So: he’s a liar or he’s a liar. So far there isn’t a box they have to check for that.

As a non-Jew who is married to a jew who likes to read & watch sports (in DC no less!)… I think you guys are being too hard on the OP. She is entitled to specific preferences for who she wants to date. FWIW- I do think NYC tends to attract lone-wolf types and encourages certain less-than-gentlemanly behaviors for daters (online & not). It’s not a hard and fast rule, just anecdata from myself & friends.

I’m not sure why you think it’s acceptable to define “normal” as “Christian and likes watching sports.”? I date in NYC and it’s not awesome but there are tons of guys on apps who meet my standards of normal- profile pic smiling at the camera, profile with a couple hobbies, like traveling, appear to have friends.

Well I’m not in NYC but I can tell you that my dating app experience has not been great. It’s tough to wade through all those Christians who like sports. I’m an atheist who couldn’t care less about sports. I am not compatible with these men (although I’d never rule out a profile 100% just because it referenced Christianity/sports without exploring more), but I’m not making a value judgment on them or calling them low-quality, worse/weird. I suspect that’s your issue.

I posted this the other day, but I’ll repeat it: Some years ago my therapist told me “most men are unsuitable.” I found it immensely comforting, somehow. It re-set my expectations to “most men are fine and there’s something wrong with me/my expectations” to “oh. most men are unsuitable. that’s why this is so hard.”

I date in NYC but after years of struggling to find a boyfriend or husband, I just want to have fun and take all that pressure off. I love going to dinner and bars with my girlfriends but I only need men for one thing. So until a guy you really like comes along, just have some fun. And even then, the other shoe may drop. Marriage isn’t what it used to be. We don’t need men to support us so aside from having children, which I’m on the fence about, why deal with the added stress of trying to find “the one.”

Hi! I’m looking for two recommendations – just switched to a job where I travel for work, work in coworking spaces and am limited to what I carry in my backpack (will be coming back for a backpack recommendation one day once I go through some of the links that have been posted before.)

1 – I need a great case to store cords. 1 laptop charger, 1 wall phone charger, 2 different pairs of earbuds (my iphone and macbook use different connections.) Right now I have a small case that everything goes into, but it all comes out tangled. I’m looking for something small, compact and would keep my cords neat and organized. does such a unicorn exist?

2 – looking for a wallet. I have tried the Hobo Lauren (tons of slots, but I carry too much around in it.) . I have tried a fossil zip around wallet with a wrist strap – similar to a lot of the Kate Spade wallets. I now carry around a little card case with my license, credit card, and a leather pouch for receipts/store cards. It’s not working. I want a wallet that looks nice, can hold my license, 3-4 credit cards, and several store rewards cards, along with cash and change. I feel like the zip around wallets I’ve used get really full really quick. But big wallets store too much and then get too heavy. I need whatever Goldilocks would pick – something just right. Do you have a wallet or wallet style you absolutely love? Would love to stay under $100 but would go up to $200 for something wonderful.

For the wallet, you might just need to stop putting so much in it. I have a variety of Hobo wallets that I use depending on what bag I’m carrying and I love all of them. The only one I have that they’re selling now is the Lauren, but maybe the Rachel or the Torch? Now I want a new wallet.

1. For cords, I got my husband a procase roll up organizer for christmas. I’m contemplating buying one for myself. I don’t think it would hold a laptop charger, though. But if you search amazon, there are lots of options for travel cord cases.

2. Try searching for continental wallets on Nordstrom’s website. The MZ Wallace Crosby Nylon wallet and several kate spade wallets look like they meet your criteria. I have a coach one with a similar configuration and it is perfect – space for cash, coins, and cards. Sadly, I don’t think they make my coach one anymore or I’d totally recommend it.

I keep all my cords in an ebags slim packing cube and secure cords with velcro zip ties. I like that the cube does not add much weight to my bag and fits into the elastic pocket meant for a water bottle. The roll up cases interested me, but they did not fit my laptop charger.

We have two cable storage systems that have worked well for us: Cocoon Grid Its and the Skooba cable Stable. They both have elastic grids to keep things in place. The grid it is more open, and the Skooba zips close. (Also wire cutter did a round up of cable organizers that has lots of options too)

I bought a set of these bags for my cords and I love them. I use one for phone chargers, one for my laptop charger, one for smaller things like USB keys and earbuds for the plane. They have been really helpful for me.

I like these kinds of wallets- each slot fits 2-3 cards perfectly & I break it up by category: 1st slot- cards I use daily; 2nd slot, store cards I use less, gift cards, reward cards, health cards… whatever… the zippered part holds bills & coins & there’s a long slot I put a couple of business cards & even a small paper ruler in.
I also have a pocket on the back of my phone with space for my id & 1 cc- so I can grab it when I walk around my office or go to the coffee shop downstairs.https://www.target.com/p/women-s-classic-pick-me-up-wallet-a-new-day-153-plumbago-blue/-/A-53529732

I don’t have the L style wallet, but the Tusk wallet I have is probably my most durable “daily use” possession right now. It looks the same as the day I bought it, it’s been at least a few years, and I haven’t given it any special treatment, so I’m pleased.

Gardening (as in actual gardening) question: I would really like to start planting more flowers in some of the beds and other spaces in our yards. I’m struggling with “designing” the space – I have some flowers that I like, but I can’t figure out how to incorporate different things together based on the different species, when they bloom, etc. Does anyone have any resources that they use to help come up with a plan?

tbh, if you’re just starting now, don’t overthink it. basics like Tall flower in the back, low/creepers in the front. mixing of colors you like + time when peak blooming will occur.
I say this as a moderately experienced gardener – my 3 year old space is a mess, beautiful, but a work in perpetual progress. I think things will look great in terms of timing and color, and then plants don’t do well, or the timing is off, or the spot is totally wrong. Gardening is a LOT of trial and error and making fearless moves (like digging up and moving plants in the middle of the season to save them!)

If it’s your first year working the space, just find some great stuff you like, within your budget, and in your SUN quotient and worry about the nitty gritty of design when you know what actually works in your yard and when you know what you’re capable of keeping alive.
If you really want to “design” the space, I usually creep around instagram and google image searches in your zone to see what other people do. Sometimes I’ll check garden books out of the library. Also my local garden club is a huge resource of experienced, retired, amazing gardening ladies :)

Pre-planned gardens based on drought tolerance, USDA zone, etc. etc. You will need to register to download the plans, which include a planting layout and shopping list. Great for individual plant ideas or a full-blown design.

Honestly, this is why I’ve hired a landscape architect (but that was to do a complete grass/irrigation/create planting beds and plant trees overall). If you find a local nursery, I’ve seen that a lot of them have a deal where if you spend X, they can help you figure it out (my parents have done this several times). The added benefit is these people know the local climate, so they’re not encouraging you to grow orchids in New England (very extreme example). Alternatively, I’d see if there was a gardening club – they might have resources on a website or know who you could talk to.

How many credit cards do you have? I’ve never really gotten on the rewards bandwagon. I mostly use my debit card for purchases. I have three credit cards: (1) longtime card through my bank with 6% fixed rate but no rewards and hefty foreign transaction fee (mainly used for emergencies that I can’t pay off right away); (2) travel card with travel rewards and no foreign transaction fee; (3) Amazon Prime card (because I live off of Amazon and Whole Foods). Both my bank and my BF are encouraging me to get at least one more card and basically never use my debit card. I feel like 3 cards plus a debit card is already a lot! I’m wondering how many cards most people have? Maybe I’m being too conservative about not wanting another card?

You shouldn’t open another card just for the heck of it. I have a lot- but have gotten a lot stricter about what I open because the cc companies have gotten a lot stricter about rewards. If you are serious about credit card churning (that’s the name for hacking points and what not), then take a look at the points guy website. FWIW- the ones I use the most that are SO easy to use is my southwest card. There’s hub near me, I fly a ton, I like their policies regarding luggage & cancellations. I have been able to hack the companion pass for my family for about 10 yrs running now and that, the promo points, and the points I earn, have saved us so much money. The rest I personally haven’t found worthwhile for various reasons- but reevaluate every year to see my needs. I do travel a lot for work, so that helps with that too.

Talk to your local nursery. Not the folks at Lowes or Home Depot, but an actual, local nursery that handles a wide variety of plants that grow well in your area. They can help you with what you want to do. Be sure to let them know how much sun/shade the area gets and at roughly what times of the day, what kind of soil you have, and what the drainage situation is. Also let them know how much time you’re willing to put in to this project. Some plants require a good bit of maintenance before they’re a full show-stopper, some you just throw in a hole in the ground and ignore and they’re happy. Also let them know if you have pets — some plants are toxic to critters, and if your dog is outside and is very curious, you don’t want to worry about him chewing on a leaf that might make him sick. You may even want to go as far as getting the soil tested, but that probably isn’t necessary. They can help you come up with a plan on what to plant so you have plants that compliment each other and so you have something growing/blooming all year long. If you want to attract butterflies or hummingbirds, they can steer you that direction, or if you want to incorporate veggies into your plantings or plant things that are deer-resistant (though I don’t think there is any such thing!) they can help with that, too.

Seed catalogs are great to look at, but in my experience, they don’t give enough information as to what plants work well with others and what will actually grow in your area. Just because they say a plant will grow in your zone doesn’t mean it will grow well where you want to plant it. (You can ask me how I know!) But what a seed catalog is great for is giving ideas — you can take it to your local nursery, show them what you like, and use that to help them give you ideas on what will work.

I gardened for the first time last summer. Gosh that’s a weird sentence to write knowing the other meaning of gardening here. My first step was to check my USDA zone. I am zone 7. My next step was to determine whether the area is sun, shade, or a mix. Then I basically just searched flowers that grow well in the sun in zone 7, and how long they last. I looked at them all online, made a list of the ones I thought were pretty, and got a bunch at the local garden shop. My “design” was to plant marigolds around the edges, petunias inside that, and then million bells down the middle (rectangular space). Was it professional? Definitely not. But it looked really pretty! Husband’s only critique was that it actually looked a little too planned, so I think I’ll be a little more casual in my rows next year. I planted in early June and most of them lasted until early October.
I planted daffodil and tulip bulbs in the fall this year, so hopefully will start seeing them in a few weeks. I clustered them in groups on the front flower bed as well as some side beds. I did some mixed groups, some tulip-only, and some daffodil-only. When they stop blooming I’ll replant marigolds and petunias, so that should give me blooms from early April through early October. Again, the casual grouping I did is not professional at all but will still look nice. I didn’t have much money or much space so my amateur gardening worked for me. Have fun! I really enjoyed coming home each day and seeing a bunch of beautiful blooms.

For annuals,I buy six packs at the nursery and mass them by color. (Mass = planting really close together). For perennials and shrubs I think more about height and season, but mainly I plant these things toward the back of the garden bed and leave room for annuals in the front. I do like a more cottage look than a formal garden look, so it works for me. People tell me how beautiful my flowers are all the time so I guess it’s working.

When you’re planting the backbone of your garden, pick a color scheme – like all shades of pink, or all white flowers and different colored foliage. You can add accent colors with annuals and then you can change your mind, like yellow really doesn’t work here or something like that.

I’m partial to shades of blue and purple and white flowers, and dark green and light green foliage.

One of my gardening catalogs I got recently (I think Bluestone Perennials) has an option where you can literally “buy a garden”–they design it and send you the plants with a map of where all to plant them. I would try to find a company in your area that does that, or just go talk to the people at your local nursery. They’re usually great about telling you what will grow in what conditions in your area and what works with what.

Am I the only one who first missed the “actual gardening” part of the OP and was trying to follow the analogy? *snerk*

But go you! I love actual gardening. Pulling weeds is my therapy. I just plant stuff I like, and if it dies, it obviously was a bad choice so I try something else. My garden is a banner for survival of the fittest.

I find photos of gardens I like that could fit my space and garden shape, then pick plants that duplicate what I like about the look and are good for my zone and sun. Sometimes I can use exact plants (hostas and ferns), other times I have to find a substitute that will work in my climate, but if I take the photo to the nursery the staff are very helpful.

Just saw your question from the other day about yoga mats. I had the same issues with my other yoga mat, which was eco-friendly and nontoxic and yet smelled so awful and was expensive to boot. I decided to splurge on a better mat and did my research. I found a new mat made out of cork pressed together. It has good cushioning, good grip, and has no smell. I love it. I found it online from a company called Corc Yoga. It’s pricey but worth it in my opinion because it makes the child’s play position much more pleasant.

1) no, I actually don’t need more pants
2) I could probably never buy another black skirt in my life and be fine
3) I have a handy list of items for my goodwill donation receipt. I’m just moving the purged items to another tab

I am very difficult to get to know. And I’m somewhat interested in changing that as I would like to make a few more friends. I’m an extreme introvert and a very private person, although I don’t really intend to be. I also just by default don’t show a ton of emotion and I am apparently very hard to read. I go to social things a fair bit, and people really like me, but they just don’t really know anything about me- a coworker friend of 2 years commented that she knew nothing of my life before I started working here, except stuff that’s on my internal resume, like where I went to school. I didn’t realize that I was THAT private. Another friend said that I’m kind of aloof, but in a very friendly way.

I would like to be easy enough to get to know that I can make a few more real friends, and I know people who genuinely care about me and want to get to know me. The fact that I’m very self contained seems to be getting in the way- I don’t talk a lot about myself but we do talk about them, their interests, etc, and I’m a caring friend/acquaintance.

Anyway. On a tactical level, what steps can I take to open up to people and be a little less self-contained so I can actually make real connections?

It will be a big transition if you think “I need to be so open about all parts of my life” all of a sudden. Maybe think about a hobby or interest you have that you’d be willing to use as your go-to for these new sharing conversations. Not so much that you only ever talk about Michigan Basketball, but if it’s a comfortable place to start and you define your parameters that way, you can ease into sharing other parts about your life.

I have some experience, but mostly as preppy sportswear – as in, the rich girls at my stable all wore Joules polos to ride. Kind of like an original Polo Ralph Lauren vibe? I splurged on some polos with one of my first paychecks and they are well-made, but I have never felt a strong need to buy more. I recently encountered some regular casual wear at a store recently and wasn’t wowed by the quality for the price ($200 for a sweater with mostly acrylic?), although they seemed to have some cute stuff.

If it helps, this brand does not have the same vibe as Barbour or Holland and Holland, It is too try-hard nouveau to be classic countrywear. So yes British but never on a well-dressed’s shopping list. (Let’s say, I did go through a phase where I explored almost every proper countrywear brand trying to find tweed jackets like the ones my dad had thrifted 20 years ago)

I would pay good $ to fly to London and go on a shopping safari (not actual shopping, but an open bus tour while Houda narrates, like we are hunting clothes in the wild), then stalking “best-dresseds” in their habitat, and then to a pub).

I think their clothes are “younger” than Boden, more casual, and I didn’t find the quality to be anything spectacular, though they’re definitely cute! Overall, nothing incredibly special but the fact that it’s hard to find in the States means that I won’t see every other woman on the Metro wearing it.

DH and I are planning to take a 3 week vacation in July (has to be that month, for a variety of reasons). We would love to go to New Zealand, but are a bit hesitant due to the weather. If we don’t go in July, I don’t think we’ll be able to get there for many years (including b/c of the long flight / planning to TTC later this year / won’t have this much time off for quite some time). Has anyone been to New Zealand in their winter, and can speak to whether this would still be a good vacation? We’d love to be able to do some of the outdoorsy things (short hikes, enjoying the vistas, etc). Also not sure if North versus South Island would be preferable.

No specific experience with NZ but highly recommend the long haul vacation pre TTC. I travel a lot internationally with my kids but until they are junior/senior high school age, any flights longer than 8 hours are really painful.

I went to NZ for three weeks (and Fiji for one) for my bar trip, so in August. The weather wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, and I got to do plenty of outdoor stuff. I started on the North Island and worked my way to the South Island – Auckland is pretty temperate year-round, and it was a bit colder farther south but not unmanageable in Queenstown (in total, more like west coast winters than east coast for a US comparison). E.g. I went on a horse trek along the Dart River, and it was chilly but totally fine with decent outerwear, went skydiving, was outdoors a lot. Yes, it would have been more pleasant in January, but hey, I got to spend a day skiing, which I wouldn’t have during the summer. If this is your only chance to get to NZ in the near future, I’d go for it, and just pack accordingly.

I went to NZ in their winter (probably same-ish time frame). It was chilly and rainy (I’d say similar to CA winter, so nothing extreme), but totally gorgeous and delightful. I would definitely recommend going if you want to go- for me it was an add on trip that a friend wanted (we were heading to Australia), and it ended up being the highlight of the entire vacation. I think we spent a week in Aus & a week in NZ.

It’s wonderful. Bring layers. The north island is humid so it feels colder than it is. South Island is dry so sunny and cool = jandles time. I spent a (their) winter and it’s fabulous. Definitely worthwhile.

Hi, I’m from New Zealand! For scenery, you want to be in the South Island mainly, though it will be chilly in winter. But don’t try to drive all around it – I’d suggest going to a few of the North Island main centres, then flying to Queenstown, hanging out in central otago for a few days (it’s so beautiful in winter), then driving up the west coat and hanging out a bit in Golden Bay/Nelson/Marlborough (particularly good if you like wine). As long as you’re relaxed about a bit of wind and rain, you’ll have a good time – you can still go walking, have nice views, etc.

As another New Zealander, +1 for South Island. One of the favorite things we did that my (American) husband loved was the Aoraki Mackenzie International Dark Sky Reserve. It’ll be cold stargazing (30s-50s f during July) at night but the tour includes warm coats. If you do want to do this, best to book in as soon as possible as there is limited accommodation if you want to stay on the reserve.

If you want to do hiking, read up a little on the tracks you are interested. My observation of American friends and family (including those who have done 20+ national parks) is that most hiking they do is more relaxed/easier than the average nz track. Short day walks are probably best. Bring lots of layers and a good wind proof and waterproof jacket, good socks and shoes. July in New Zealand is still way warmer than winter in New York.

I posted a week or so ago about the valentine’s mailboxes being set up around the office. Turns out it is only for non-professional staff. They are circling the office with baggies of candy and goodies and opening each other’s mailboxes and putting treats inside. It is actually kind of sweet. And very 1st grade. But hey, I didn’t have to freak out about whether to give everyone/recruiting partners/etc. treats that say LOVE and have hearts all over them! I got nice chocolate for my two assistants that have a short note I love being on the team with you (thanks ‘rette who suggested) and that is it :)

Soliciting any and all recommendations for a girls’ weekend in Santa Fe. We chose this location because it’s more convenient for the west coast contingency, but no one really knows anything about what to do once we’re there. There are varied interests in the group — some outdoorsy, some hoping for spa-type things, all in favor of good food and drink. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!

For spas check out Ten Thousand Waves and the Inn at Loretto. For outdoorsy things, there are hiking trails nearby. I like Picacho Peak or if you are willing to drive about 45 minutes south, I absolutely love hiking Tent Rocks. It is so beautiful and unique. For food, Santa Fe has lots of good restaurants. For a fancy night out try Sazon. For authentic local food, try the Shed or La Choza. For really good New Mexican breakfast, try Tia Sophia’s. La Boca is good for Tapas and Rio Chama is a good steakhouse but also has excellent salads, soups, and sandwiches for lunch. You also might spend an afternoon walking around the plaza. You can buy jewelry from the Native American artists along the plaza and check out all the little shops. The Cathedral is beautiful and so is the Loretto staircase. Santa Fe also has some amazing art galleries and museums if that is your thing. Maybe do a wine tasting at Gruet winery!

+1 to Ten Thousand Waves, it’s one of the best spas I’ve ever been to. Make a day of it. All these recs are excellent. I also enjoyed driving up to the Valles Caldera, such an interesting contrast in landscape on the way up and there. Loved Meow Wolf as well – art installation/experience/thing in Santa Fe. Also stop in Madrid on your way to or from Albuquerque for a cute little artists village.

I love Santa Fe. You could do a day trip to Chimayo, a beautiful native church. Spend time in the local Santa Fe museum too, I think it’s the indian art museum that has a lovely café in a courtyard with a great mountain view. the art galleries are great too and walking distance to the center, with lots of nice cafes and restaurants around

Get the blue corn pine nut pancakes at the burrito company! They were amazing and I desperately want to recreate them at home. Meow wolf was an experience…pretty weird in my opinion but others in the group thought it was great.

I’m flying into Frankfurt for a conference towards the end of March, and my husband can meet me anywhere in Europe and we can stay for about a week. Neither of us have been to Europe before! We love food, wine, architecture and hiking. Where should I meet him?! We tend to be off-the-beaten-path travelers, but wouldn’t mind taking advantage of the off-season to see some tourist destinations. Any tips would be appreciated!

I would stay in Germany and tour along the Rhine (wine + hiking + architecture + fresh food) and tack on a day in Nuremberg and/or Rothenburg ob der Tauber. Since you have a week, it would be nice to minimize the travel time on your end and Germany is just the best place to visit. I have deeply loved each of my trips there.

to tack on here, do you have any websites or resources you consulted? I’m taking a DE trip to/from Frankfurt in May and people keep recommending this, but it feels slightly more intimidating and higher pressure than say, just driving around NY wine country etc.

did you plan based on certain city stops? certain winery/vineyard stops? river stops?

Check out Rick Steves! He has a Youtube episode (~22 minutes) about the region and describes Burg Eltz as his favorite castle in all of Europe. I would also recommend exploring Burg Rheinfels. I didn’t use his guidebook for that region specifically, but I did consult it for Nuremberg and Switzerland and both were great. I traveled by regional train when I was in the area last, but if I were to go again, I’d try to utilize the ferry system more since I find ferries very pleasant.

I’d vote for the southern countries – Italy or Spain. For Italy, if you like art Florence is a must see, and it is a very easy train ride from there to Rome. I’d look into the agroturismos in the area as well for some truly amazingly good food/wine. In Spain I’d say either Barcelona (should be MUCH less crowded in March) or Seville with a side trip to either Cordoba or the Alhambra (one of my bucket list places to see!).

Which weekend are you going? It gets pretty crazy around St. Patricks Day. Historic district is small and walkable, plus there is always Lyft/Uber. For eating, The Grey, Crystal Beer Parlor, Vics, Treylor Park/Hitch, Green Fire Pizza, Rancho Allegre. Drink at Artillery, Peregrin, Prohibition, Alley Cat Lounge, Perch. Local brews are pretty decent. Museums are small but enjoyable. Ghost tours are cheesy fun. You can spend an afternoon shopping on Broughton. March weather is usually warm and the azaleas should be in bloom which makes the squares lovely. Open containers are allowed so cocktail strolls are an option.
There is a fairly active subreddit for SAV (toggle settings to old reddit to see sidebar with info on restaurants/bars).

Anyone have any Air BnB, VRBO, or villa rental recommendations for Mykonos? Looking to be there in late June or early July with a group of 3 – 6 adults. We’d prefer to be relatively close to a town / beach, but otherwise are flexible!

Hey ladies! I’m divorced going on one year after 14 yrs of marriage, and learning to navigate the dating apps. I know this is a numbers game, but dannnng. Do you find that the higher numbers just gives you more mini “rejections” like chatting for a few days then ghosting, one date then ghosting, no replies, etc. Obviously these guys weren’t a good fit, but I find the constant flow of mini negative feedbacks exhausting. I guess I’m mostly venting, but any tips to brush it off easily?

Welcome to modern dating. It’s the worst. My tip is to get used to it. Expect no one to reply, to ghost, or very rarely meet in person. I’d give almost anything to have met a husband in college or grad school before dating apps (I’m 36, never married). There are none that are better than others. Sorry for the negativity but truth is that it just really really sucks.

I find the opposite – the more numbers, the less I feel the rejection. So I swipe a bunch on bumble, send the guys relatively similar but friendly messages, and then see how the resulting conversations go. I mean – I don’t know that this is necessarily advice to succeed because I am still single but I found that casting a wide net actually made me less upset when someone didn’t respond?

I also think it’s a bit of a process getting used to this cycle. I have girlfriends that don’t date as frequently as I do and take the rejection much more personally.

+1. When I was newly back dating after my divorce, I analyzed every.single.little.thing. After a while, I just got totally sick of all the energy I was wasting, so I decided to take the volume approach. I was going out on 3-4 dates per week (D.C., mid-30s, pretty large pool of educated men). It was exhausting, but I learned so much, got great about saying no when I meant no and yes when I meant yes, and most of all, realized that *I* was a catch and the guys should feel good about going out with ME (aka, the narrative to counter the rejections).

Plus a million on “I am a great catch.” When I was dating I swore I wasn’t going to chase men, and I wasn’t going to waste my time pining after anybody who wasn’t crazy about me. It cut way down on my prospects but all it took was one.

This is good advice, but don’t be afraid of making the first move. I had to message my now husband and set up our first date (he said he was scared of messing it up by asking for the first date during our convo), but after that, he was totally 100% wonderful and planned an elaborate second date. Some guys need a little push to get going and cut through the chatter. But once you meet in person, you’ll know if there’s potential or not.

I was on the dating app scene in a city that is notoriously difficult for single women. This is what what worked for me: Set up dates early in the conversation. Don’t go back and forth 20 times before making plans. Then when you’re actually face to face, just think of it as getting to know a new person. Maybe I am an optimist, but I think most people are pretty decent. I would just focus on getting to know the man and his life for an hour or whatever. I like getting to know new people, so it was pretty fun for me. Then, if I wasn’t that interested in seeing him again, I just wouldn’t make plans to see him again. I need that spark to know that I want to garden with someone early on, so I didn’t have a second date with a lot of men for that reason. You get to decide what is important to you. Good luck out there!

I moved to my medium-sized city about five years ago, and met a group of women through a high school friend I reconnected with. They are all really nice but I don’t have a lot in common with them, and always come home feeling a little weird after hanging out with them. While I’ve made other friends in the past few years, these women still invite me to tons of things (which is really nice!) but I am usually too busy with work. My struggle right now is they are really into celebrating birthdays, and keep asking me if they can set up a party for mine coming up. I… want to just say no. I don’t really like having birthday events, and I don’t want to have one with this group (if anything, I’d like to have a couple of other friends over for a low key game night or similar). Any suggestions? I feel bad because they are so nice to me! But I don’t actually like hanging out with them that much… eesh.

Just say you are busy with work and don’t have time- don’t waste their time or your time on friendships you aren’t interested in. If you feel you really must, meet them for happy hour for a limited time and say you have to get back to work.

Just found out my sibling lost his job, and I can tell he’s bummed (naturally), probably confidence shaken, and a little scared (sole breadwinner for his fam). I’ve kinda been through something similar, and know how utterly crappy it can be. Any ideas from the hive to help cheer him up? I live out of state. All I can think of is a card to say “I still know you’re awesome.” What made you feel better, if you’ve been through this?

There’s not much you can do… just tell him you love him and are there for him if he needs anything. If you know there’s something you can spring for that won’t be awkward, do that for him (we are the ‘successful siblings’ in each of our respective families and always get the check/whatever).

If I were him a token financial gift would actually be well received, but know your audience. Even though it’s not a meaningful difference in his life, a little infusion of $100 via Venmo or whatnot with a card or note that reinforces your support might make him feel like he’s not alone in this. I think the biggest thing is acknowledging to him that this sucks (today) and letting him grieve a bit. Tomorrow (or in a few days) a stronger “you will get through this” will also be helpful.

I always thought elbow patches corresponded with a pocket piece of some sort. This jacket looks great- but the elbow pieces doesnt tie into anything else. Maybe im being overly picky but this one seems off to me.

I am looking for gifts ideas for a very difficult birthday situation. The recipient is my friends’ daughter. She’s in her early 20s and was in an accident about 2 years ago. It left her in a state of minimal consciousness and my perspective is that any recovery will be a medical miracle. I haven’t seen an intentional response from her since the accident. She is at home with her parents and under their full-time care. We are having dinner at their house this weekend, on her birthday. I have been considering a nice blanket, a cute new t-shirt, or music she might enjoy. Does anyone have other suggestions?

Oh wow that is difficult. I think music is a sweet idea. It sounds like a lot of the gift is for your friend, the mom; something that communicates that you still love and see her daughter, and that you are there to support your friend in what she’s going through. I like the idea of an album because your friend can enjoy it when she’s spending time with her daughter, and think of you. Another thought would be artwork for the daughter’s room. Again, your friend would be able to look at it and feel your love and support.

I like the blanket idea–like a pretty throw or one that would look nice in the room. Like Rainbow Hair suggested, I’d go with something your friend would like. A family friend gave me a small quilt made by her church group when I had breast cancer. It put some color into my hospital room and I kept it in view in my home (even though it was pretty darn ugly) for a long time because it made me feel loved. A fancy candle might be nice, too.

This is really hard. Props to you for showing up for your friends – a lot of people start ghosting the caregivers in situations like this. Music sounds perfect. Or audiobooks of something that came out recently that she might have liked to read if she was well. I would imagine that when they spend time sitting with her, it would also be nice for them to listen to the books.

Hi – I have a young female cousin in a situation like this. We give the following as gifts (and have for 18 years – she just passed): blankets, stuffed animals, dvds and cds, lotions, hair ties/brushes, Christmas ornaments. Most of it is more for her mom to know that she is loved.

So I’m sitting here crying in my office as I don’t know how I’ll ever find a new job and can’t stand the one I have now. 10 rejections the last month with 6 of them coming this morning. So much for those ivy degrees, top of the class, good experience jazz. Feels like I’ve wasted the last 14 years of my life. Last 17 if you count law school. Honestly I wish I never even went to college.

Just know it can take a while because you are very experienced and looking at a very specific niche of jobs. When my husband & I each were laid off from big law- it took us almost a year each to get jobs (same- good schools, experienced, perfect resumes)- the rejections were heartbreaking and seemed like they took over our lives… but eventually we each did find something. It only takes one offer, it will come along.

I’m sorry. Job searching is the absolute worst. Are you getting rejected before or after interviews? If before, maybe you can improve your cover letters and resumes. If after, how are you doing on charisma/personal skills? Honestly though, it’s a crapshoot most of the time and I’m sure you’re doing your best.

Ouch – six rejections in a single morning is rough!
I second starting the long weekend early if you can. Job hunting takes up so much mental and emotional space, and I hope you’re able to disconnect and relax a little, then jump back in refreshed.

Do any of you have a good solution to prevent an area rug from moving or bunching when placed on carpet? All the anti-slip pads are for hardwood floors or tile, but we have carpet. I saw a couple of YouTube videos about putting silicone around the edges and letting it dry to create more friction, but that seems unreliable. Any hidden silver bullets that I’m missing, or are we resigned to pulling the rug back to the position we want every day?

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