When I was younger, whatever I auditioned or tried out for I
got.I was a prima ballerina, cheer
captain, gymnastics team co-captain, select chorus member, student council
member …whatever the awesome people did, I did it and was probably the head
awesomeness.My, how times have changed.

I believe that you are born with a limited amount of luck
which should be evenly dispersed throughout your life.I, unfortunately, did not get that life memo
and used up all of my audition/try out luck before age 18.I have not achieved anything of importance
since then (because being captain of the cheerleading squad is EXTREMELY
important).

I have had the worst luck when it comes to comedy.With auditions, with agents, with casting
directors, with club bookers…I have stepped in shit all over the comedy
world.While trying to get booked at a
particular club, I sent the booker a link to one of the best sets of my
life.After viewing the link, he told me
that my comedy “tape” looks like I was “doing comedy for [my] friends in my
basement”.That particular set was taped
at The Metropolitan Room during a sold out show.I knew all of 10 people in the audience.That booker is/was a fucking prick (to put it
nicely).

I have been called “fucking insane” by a casting director
and an “insane Molly Shannon type” by another.During another audition, a casting director said, “Are you fucking
insane? You aren’t supposed to touch the
props!” (the props were a stuffed animal and a Santa hat).I used
to be a fairly level headed person; however, after being not casted because of my “insanity” by every casting director that
I have ever come in contact with, I now have actually become insane.Kind of like how Denzel is now always “The
Hunt for Red October”. Right?Or is he always more Melvin B. Tolson from
“The Great Debaters”?Either way.

As far as comedy club auditions go….getting passed in a
major club happens as often as Lindsay Lohan doesn’t crash a car.I have watched my friends have AMAZING sets
at clubs around NYC and no one gets passed.Fucking bullshit racquet.

Am I pissed about all of this shit?Fuck yes!I have worked my ass off to fail.I have:

1)Booked a national commercial that never ran
because the product caused people to stroke out.

2)Gotten casted in a Saturday Night Live
commercial parody for it not to run because it was too racist.

3)Landed a voice over for the Master Card
“Priceless” ad that only ran in Dallas.

4)Auditioned for Mad TV and the casting director
“showed me the door”.

5)Auditioned for the remake of “In Living Color”
in a closet (I’m not sure it was actually an audition, but more of a private
dance class for the casting director).

6)Not gotten into COUNTLESS comedy festivals.

7)And many other fantastic, fantastic
opportunities where they were looking for a small blonde…but a sane small
blonde.