Never Judge a Blog by its Cover

We have another great Ask BFD question, this time from Barnardgirl! She’s wondering about the cognitive dissonance of being an advocate and still not accepting yourself fully. Bolding mine:

Dear BFD,

First, thanks for adding an Ask BFD category. I love your blog and the FA blogosphere so much- I wish I’d known about it in high school! :) Reading these blogs are very rewarding, but yet difficult for me because of cognitive dissonance. How can you be a fat positive advocate, and a good friend and influence when it comes to body positivity for the people around you, when you still struggle with accepting yourself?

Obviously, the world we live in is still very judgmental, which is what a lot of blogs often discuss. My problem, though, is just as often me. Being college-age now, my sister and some of my dearest friends struggle with eating disorders, so body positivity and self-esteem are an important issue for me. But as someone who struggled with eating disorders herself, and who still sometimes -hates- her body at a ‘healthy BMI’, and what most people would call an average size- I often feel fatter now than when I was
obese- how can I counsel self-love without being a hypocrite? How can you keep from triggering the people around you when you’re trying to keep losing weight yourself?

I am the biggest HAES advocate believer you can imagine, and the last thing I want to do is spread any more negative energy into the world. I am a radical liberal and feminist, and many of the women I personally find attractive are bigger than me- Beth Ditto is one of the most fashionable, inspiring, and talented women I have ever seen, for instance, and I have the most monstrous crush on Hayley Hasselhoff from Huge. But this just doesn’t transfer to my own behavior and self-image. I want to be a good role model to the girls around me, and I think my problem is one a lot more common than some people think. The only analogy I can think of is being straight in a gay pride parade, except it’s probably closer to being a secretly self-hating gay- how can you support this cause when you’re one of those girls who are technically the ‘enemy?’

I know I’m a work in progress, and I try every day to become a happier, more self-loving person, but eating disorders don’t just go away just like that, or even just the puerile teenage insecurities every woman’s faced sometimes. Thanks for reading this, and I’d love any advice on how to still be an advocate for others, even with my own problems. Most of all, I love my sister more than anything, and I fear the effect I have on her sometimes. Does anyone else have this problem, and what do you do? Thanks for your time!

Gratefully,
Barnardgirl

This is such a great question, Barnardgirl, and thanks for sending it in!

First of all, I think you’re making an assumption that isn’t true: that somehow, all FA advocates are perfect models of self-esteem and self-love. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who doesn’t still struggle with these issues sometimes. I still “feel fat” and unattractive sometimes, I still get my feelings hurt by petty fatism, I still have a semi-disordered relationship with food—I’m not immune, and I honestly don’t think anyone is.

So, be careful with things like calling yourself “the enemy.” You’re fighting a lifetime of messages that there’s something wrong with your body, and at least you’re thinking about these issues. You’re doing the best you can.

So, first of all, I would advise you to keep doing what you’re already doing—read and participate in blogs like this one and other feminist and fatosphere blogs, replace Cosmo and Vogue with Ms. and Fatshionista, and keep working on internalizing emotionally what you’ve already accepted intellectually.

As for your sister, I have a sister myself, and I appreciate your desire to be a good role model for her, as well as for your friends. All I can say is, resist the urge to participate in Fat Talk as a form of bonding, keep preaching the gospel of HAES and modeling it as best you can, and keep reading for the readers’ advice in the comments. Readers—what advice can you give Barnardgirl?

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6 Responses to Ask BFD: On Being An Advocate

All I can think of is “preach it ’til you believe it”. I was exactly where you are now just as little as about 1 1/2 years ago. I was still dieting yet talking about fat acceptance. At some indeterminable point, it just clicked and I hopped right off that diet train and was fully on board with what I was saying. It never felt right to me that I was attracted to women with bodies like mine, yet I couldn’t appreciate my own reflection and I think that was a big part of my own self-acceptance.

Like Mo Pie said, we all struggle with these issues. You are definitely not alone and I think you’ve already taken a big step forward by writing this question.

There is nothing more alienating in a movement than its praises being sung by people who appear to have its principles down perfectly.

By struggling, by sharing your journey, by questioning yourself, you are being a more honest and useful advocate than a hundred people who say “Fat acceptance is easy! Just stop hating your body!” (As if anything were “just” that easy.)

Your analogy about being in a gay pride parade reminds me of a conversation I had WAY back when I was first coming out as queer. We were talking in a group about internalized homophobia, and it made so much sense to me – I’d had a ton of resistance to accpeting that I was bi, but I’d never realized that this was a thing *other* people felt, too.

What we talked about that day has helped me with FA stuff as well – I’m a product of this culture, and I’ve absorbed and internalized a lot of the negative messages that got thrown at me during my life. However, just because part of my brain accepted those messages at one point doesn’t mean that they’re true, or correct. However, the fact that those messages are a lie doesn’t make them magically disappear from my consciousness.

The only adivce I can give is be patient and honest – over time, it gets easier to set aside the thoughts of ‘feeling fat’, and in the interim, your responsibility is to yourself, not to being a role model for other people. Besides, if you can model taking care of yourself even when your emotions are yanking you around and making it really hard, that’s a pretty damn good example to be setting anyway!

Great question – great answer. In a way, the writer has done with FA as I have always done with diets. (i.e. “I can’t be perfect so I should just give up all together.” ) Yes, now too you can self-loathe yourself for not loving yourself enough. LOL. Sorry if that comes across as catty in text, but I find that I tend to fall into the same traps over and over, and see that in the writer’s question as well.

You mention having an eating disorder. Are you getting help with that? Because you’re right; they don’t just go away. And the messages an eating disorder sends your brain combined with the messages that society at large sends create a pretty overwhelming amount of negativity to battle every day. The fact that you’re still in there swinging is actually a victory in and of itself.

I think one of the best things you can do for both yourself and your sister is be honest about the effort it’s taking. Remind both of you that there is a goal you’re striving for that is worth the work you’re putting into it. Keep reading body positive blogs.

As others have said, we all have rough days when the more popular messages seem inescapable. We all have times when it feels like throwing in the towel might not be such a bad idea.

But you know what? This, too, shall pass. Even though there will always be times when you struggle, they will become less frequent over time. And when you’re in that dark place, you can always come to the rest of us for support.

I’ve been struggling with being a fat acceptance advocate while also accepting and loving myself as well. And I’ve also been through the gamut of eating disorders, and I know full well how difficult it is when those eating disordered thoughts continue to pop up practically every day.