Thursday, May 17, 2018

My hubby and I have been working on short and long term goals. We’ve a few.
One other thing as we’ve processed the grief of older teens leaving home
and a smaller home base, and our accident and recovery from the drunk driver
who hit us back in March with a stolen vehicle…..we need to focus on ourselves
a little.

Parents are notorious (or should be?) for sacrificing
oneself for the good of the kids/family all too often. We in no way plan to neglect our last in the nest,
but we do plan to take better care of ourselves physically and emotionally so
we can be the best parents to her as well.

In the hustle of raising the first crew that has left the
mother ship, we often did sacrifice things for ourselves more than we probably
should have. So now is our time. Not to embrace selfishness – but to embrace
self-love for the health of ALL of us.
Phew, this may be harder than I thought, but also exciting to recover
ourselves a little.

So, the lists are being made….cups are going to get
filled. I may have to say “no” still –
but for the right reason of self recovery from a long journey that I’m still
resting from. I have to stop the horse
from running home, like I did when I was a teen riding with my Dad and he
taught me the horses want to run home, but don’t let them….hold them back. He was right and it was a training thing for
life as well. Sometimes I over-involve
because I’m “back” feeling good and ready to put my energy to use all over the
place….so I’m going to work on pulling back the reins and going home slower….savor
the little moments and find myself in a better place.

Friday, May 11, 2018

The new decorations themed “Oh the Places You’ll Go” are
boxed and stored.

The Tervis Dr Suess cup I’d ordered as her gift, I drink from
myself with “Oh the Places You’ll Go” on it and I do it to torture myself –
sipping my water thinking of all the places she can’t go and won’t go.Sarcasm seeps into me and I want to cite “Oh
the people you’ve screwed” in my best Dr Suess voice.

Clearly this season holds pain for me and my husband as the grad
invites rolled in – we are happy for those that we’ll support on this special
day – but the pain of it isn’t lost on us.

Disappointment seeps through me – we can’t force our kids to
do anything once they turn 18.They are
free in their choices.Sucks when they
then play the victim and blame others for their choices….no one wins, no one
wins.

Like the Kindergartners who site their career goals – I hear
the memories of dreams not achieved as life goes on.We tried.We gave it our best.God created
us to have a will and a choice.She’s
made hers.

So, I’ll watch with some inner agony – it’s just another day….right?I can make it.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind
don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr Suess

Monday, May 7, 2018

I was reading an article, trying to get my brain to grasp
onto things and find that peace / healing I need in our adoption journey to
date, especially of the older ones.I think
if feels at times for me that we give and give – expecting a positive result
that doesn’t and can’t come.Patterns we
desire to break – don’t seem to be breaking but falling to genetics of
generations, giving us a sadness that our journey of change didn’t imprint as
much as we’d hoped.Learning to stop at
times and find ways to fill our cups and restore ourselves has had to become a
priority or we’ll have nothing good left for the last in the nest.

She, little who isn’t little anymore, is growing up and struggling with her realm of
the changed family – siblings gone, she misses them and the activity they
brought.One came to support her in her
piano recital – that was so nice.So I
see the bonds there and holding which gives me hope.Maybe it is taking joy in more baby steps
when I want those longer strides and testing my patience to see the smaller
miracles.

As we’ve watched with ongoing surprise and not surprise, the
phones ring, the problems continue.But
they reach for us – they know we are strong and there.Collect calls from the prison jail, while
they find humorous, saddens me but reassures me they know who to call.Maybe they needed my voice to know I’m still
there, the Mom that raised them and feels she can scold them yet loves them so
unconditionally despite it all.I found
a message that said “Dear kids, Sorry I yell.In my defense, you were acting like a bunch of psychos.”So true…..

Just in the time of typing this a son called to let me know
of more law altercations.I remind him
it might be time to find new friends. No, I won’t bond out his friends.**sigh**And a quick more to a new place with no appliances – not thought out –
yah for garage sale season saving the weekend on a fridge and stove score!

Spring is moving quickly to warm summer temps – I’m planting
my pots with lovely flowers that give me joy yet make me miss my “Oma” and visiting
the home farm to see my Mom’s flowers as well.My genetics are there too – ones I embrace and am not happy with – we are
creatures of history, genetics and patterns that follow us in life.

Hard times are consistently here it seems, but so is Jesus
Christ.I need to hold to my faith and
know that this journey is one he walks with us and gives us strength, refills
our cups and leads us on into that unknown future. We’ve set some new home
short and long term goals.One day at a
time, one journey at a time– meanwhile, the grief of the older ones departing
is replacing with a gentle peace breeze and we are settling into our new
dynamics of a family of 3 in the house – and it feels okay…..yes, it feels okay.

About Me

I'm an old soul in a middle aged body. I love sentimental things. A Canadian at heart living in small town USA.
This is our family life of soap, water, dirt and rocks in the washer! God leads us to the washline after cleansing our souls through the trials of stains, giving us that fresh air smell we can only receive by hanging it out there on the wash line of life!
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