November 18, 1992 (age 15)

I feel different. How is it that a simple little kiss can change a person like this? I feel so serious. Non-airhead like. All of that flirting with him just seems so pointless now. I don't understand.
I never thought that after we kissed that I'd be afraid of him, but I am. Why? Am I just a tease? I really wanted him to kiss me. I was so impatient. I do want it to happen again and again, but I'm so scared.

I pretty much stayed away from him today. We were together, but we were still apart. Do you understand? I feel kind of uncomfortable around him. I wonder if he feels the same. Probably not. It's just, every time I think about it, I have this panicky feeling go through me. Why is this?

Good God. This is so ridiculous. I mean, I don't regret it at all. I just am so confused.

By the way, he didn't get in trouble. His mom just came home and yelled at him. She said if he ever did that again he would get grounded, have to quit his job, and not be able to go on the ski trip. This is why I really doubt he'll be staying too incredibly late after school again.

Oh well. What should I do? Should I try to act like nothing happened? Or should I make sure that it happens again and again until I'm used to it and don't feel this way? Really. I don't think I can discuss this with him. It was my idea after all. I just want him so bad, yet I don't want him.

Maybe the reason I'm so scared is that I never thought it actually would happen. But I KNEW it would happen sooner or later. I'm am acting like a jerk.

Yesterday, Liz told me that her and Lacey are transfering to public school. She said that their last day is going to be November 30. I, of course, was stupid enough to believe her. I always am. This is the third fricken time that she's tricked me some way. Auugggh. Lacey is the one who told me today that it isn't true.

Back to my unpleasant topic. I really shouldn't dwell on it. It gets boring reading myself complaining all the time. And cussing. That is so rude. I really need to cut that out.

Okay, if I still feel this way tomorrow, I am going to have a chat with him, hopefully that will help. Hopefully, though, that won't be nessisary. I really do love him. I don't know why I'm acting like this.