birthday

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What a year, If I had known this time last year what 2015 would be like, I would have stopped time one minute before midnight and let 2014 repeat itself.

My 2015 started with serious suicide thoughts and a depression that needed medical attention. After that long struggle through the Winter, Spring and Summer I had my 48th birthday in September and started to have some hope of a better end to the year.

As soon as I started to think that things could start to be better, however, the next blow came around.

In October my dear mother suffered a major brain hemorrhage she couldn’t recover from and passed away after spending a week at the hospital.

Suddenly my whole life turned upside down and inside out. I’m still trying to get myself back to working order. I know it happened, but at times it all still feels unreal. Like a long dream I’m waiting to wake up from.

I spent Christmas with one of my cousins and her family and other relatives. Not being alone on Christmas eve was nice. But it didn’t really feel like Christmas. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as it was before.

On the employment front there is not much to tell. I’m still looking for work.

The examination to determine my possible neuropsychiatric disorder will start soon and when that is all over and done, I hope I will be able to get some more help and support in order to find some work and to sort out my life.

I still hope 2016 will be a better year and the start of a happier life for me.

Not to say you are old or anything and I won’t mention your age but I do want to wish you a wonderful birthday.

I know you don’t wish to keep in touch so this is not any attempt to get in touch again. Just happened to think of the times we shared and how much I value our friendship now that it isn’t active anymore. I will always remember it.

Like this:

My birthday came and went. All the usual suspects showed up and some congratulated via Facebook. Some didn’t do anything at all. Just as every year.

I made the sandwich cake myself this year instead of buying one from the store. Just to show the world I can get things done – if I really want to.

I got a nice pair of shoes from my uncle, and a fine sweater from one of my cousins.My oldest brother brought flowers. Not that I really need any presents at this age. Still nice that they made the effort to get me some things. The best was that they showed up.

Like this:

I hate my life, I hate being poor, I hate trying and only failing over and over. I wish I could find the way forward that would enable me to make my life better. I only seem to be stuck in the same place. For a moment here and there I manage to trick myself into thinking that I’m actually not stuck, that I’m not feeling like shit. That I’m actually happy. I hate to keep a straight face, I hate to pretend I’m not falling on my face right down in the gutter. I hate to try for the same jobs over and over and knowing what will happen: nothing. We’re sorry, out of all the applicants we have decided to move forward with other people, but you are welcome to try again another time. Try. I think not.

There is no try. You do or do not. I do but it doesn’t help because I don’t do it enough or for some other reason.

I also don’t sleep enough because I’m always thinking too much about how I’m going to get out of the hole I’m in. How to escape this life I’m so fed up with I could puke. Yes, I’m angry. I think I deserve better. I think somebody owes me something. A better life.

I blame the government, the big greedy capitalists and the society as a whole for not being able to solve the problems and not being interested in giving everyone a decent life.

There is money enough, there are resources. The lack is of will to make the changes – because it is so much easier if the blame stays on my own shoulders. I’m weak, I’m too old, I’m not educated enough, not skilled, not flexible, not willing enough, not strong, I’m too lazy, not trying hard enough…. The short version: not perfect.

No human is perfect. We should be allowed to live decent lives anyway. Have jobs and means to support ourselves. It is possible to make it so. It ought to be so. But somewhere someone makes more profit from it not being so. That’s why it won’t be. Not because of me or others just like me but because of those who think they stand to lose. They also have the power to prevent it or make it happen. That’s why I refuse to take the blame for being poor and unemployed and make it a question of my personal imperfections. I refuse and I accuse.

Call me stupid, if you like. Call me whatever you like. I still have the right to think what I want and also to express my thoughts (within limits).

I also don’t eat as good as I could. I know that is maybe a choice and maybe not, because the stress of the situation I’m in does influence how often and what I eat. Sometimes I don’t feel like eating even though I feel hunger. Other times I eat too much, often because I seek some comfort away from the stress. I don’t feel good about any of it. I know it’s not good but that’s the way it is. I do what I can to stay alive. Even if it kills me in the end.

End.

Btw. About a week ago, I celebrated my 47th birthday. Almost nobody except family and close relatives greeted me. I felt forgotten and thought about this song that goes

“nobody knows you when you’re down and out” and how it has a truth to it. Then I started to make up excuses for everyone in my head. I’m sure everyone just happened to forget about me this year for one reason or another but they care anyway and so on… But I couldn’t completely block out the sadness I felt inside.

This month, this blog celebrates nine years old. Will it live to be ten? Who knows. Time will tell.

How does a blog celebrate its birthday, by the way? I can’t really picture a cake and a party, balloons and presents and someone singing Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday dear blog, happy birthday to you!

On the other hand I have a limited imagination. My readers know exactly what I’m talking about, or maybe they don’t.

I haven’t asked.

Writing becomes harder, because my keyboard sucks. Old and almost impossible to find the right keys on. Kind of like me. I’m old and can’t find the right keys, ever.

Ok, before I start ranting for another 1,000 words, I might as well stop and be done.

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Just when the time is right, I return once more to this deserted place in cyberspace. Couldn’t help myself, so you just have to accept this as it is. That’s all.

Alive, still. Life is a struggle but what are the options? I have to keep living. Have to? Yes, there’s no choice unless I kill myself but I haven’t the stomach for it. So I try. In the face of Yoda, I try. I should know there is no try but still I try. What else is there to do? I know, I know – do or do not. Had to throw that in there. Had to. For better or worse, the nerd in me got the best of me there.

I have had a few weeks at the new office by now. Not really happy with it. Not as good as the other one. The people are nice, at least nobody bothers me but I don’t feel at home there and I miss having the newsletter to work for, to write for. I miss the whole place. It was much more like a real job and the air was better. This new office is too warm, I can’t function in too warm places, my brain overheat.

The main thing is the things I work on now, to write, are not what I really want to do. But mostly I don’t like working on texts that will not reach any readers. To not have readers makes it pointless to make an effort to write anything at all. Still, I’m writing. Here and there, now and then. Trying to keep myself from going crazy. Nothing I can do. It is what it is.

The great TV show True Detective on HBO has finished its first season. I was glued to each episode, some of them I have watched more than once. Also the music has been fabulous. Now I only wait for Game of Thrones season 4 to start. I’m not sure it will be better than True Detective but I know I will be watching it all the same.

My mother turned 90 years old last week. The party was fun. A lot of family and friends gathered. Only the weather wasn’t so nice, so it was good the party was indoors.

Writing while waiting for the bus to leave. Been a long and not very exciting day so far.
Even though its my birthday I don’t think its a very special day.
However I appreciate all the nice greetings I have received from family and friends.

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MoonieZ

Welcome ! I'm the author of this blog. I write about my daily life, my interests and the world around me. Sometimes I also have a little fun with words. Just so everyone knows that not every word posted here is true.