Let Madame Weebles tell your fortune

As many of you know, I’ve heard dead people. So I’m thinking of turning this into a full-time gig, complete with fortune-telling. I figure as a psychic reader I can really work the wild curly hair thing and wear outlandish, exotic, low-cut outfits that show off the girls. Plus, with “Madame Weebles” I’ve already got a good name for this shtick.

The problem is, a lot of the traditional tools used for fortune-telling are pretty old. It’s about time we updated some of these divining methods to be more in keeping with our modern lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice pot of tea brewed with loose leaves. I’m sure tea leaves make all sorts of interesting shapes and patterns in the bottom of a person’s cup. But if you can predict a person’s future by reading tea leaves, surely you can do the same thing by reading formations in bath salts. Bath salts are so much more au courant than tea leaves these days.

I see a zombie eating your face. Good luck with that.

The crystal ball is a beautiful creation—a shiny, smooth, hypnotic sphere. But it’s a bitch to keep polished and smudge-free. And it’s heavy. Ever drop one of those fuckers? It’s a great way to fracture your foot. And I don’t even want to think about what would happen if it cracked or chipped—or shattered, God forbid. If breaking a mirror is bad luck, can you imagine what kind of terrible juju is in store for someone who damages a crystal ball? So why take that risk when there’s an app for that?

I see you in a—wait, hang on, I’m getting a call.

Tarot cards have been around for centuries, but they’re so cool that I don’t want to update them. If I were to modernize card readings, though, I would use baseball cards: “You have drawn A-Rod’s rookie card. This signifies that you will be successful and wealthy beyond your wildest dreams, but you will also be a pathetic head case with no soul. Everyone will hate you.”

You’re going to die alone. Sucks for you.

Now all I have to do is cultivate some sort of vague, non-specific European-sounding accent and I’m good to go. At least I think so. Am I missing anything?

Like this:

161 responses to Let Madame Weebles tell your fortune

Weebs, you’ve got to have a lot of tinkly jewelry, spilling down into cleavage, wrapped around your wrists so that when you move or murmur or rant and look wild-eyed at someone, they hear and feel the essence of Madame Weebles. Bejewel all your fingers and make sure your nails are crimson red. Burning some exotic potion, potpourri or candles is an absolute must. Candles — everywhere. Wear purple or black during cloudy days. Lavender during the sunny ones.

Enya or other mysterious music must be playing at all times during readings.

About the bath salts…ummm, well you’ll probably be very popular but I do like the online crystal ball and the baseball cards (in lieu of tarot), you’ll be a 21st century sayer but still paying homage to your ancient craft. Although I do think the Tarot cards are way prettier.

You get the fortune-teller stuff down and let me handle your image, k? I’ll have my people call your people so that we can have a sit down.

Boomie honey, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you should know there’s a Nobel Prize in store for you for bringing peace to the world through your poetry, and your poems will sell like crazy, making you insanely wealthy. So now that I’ve given it all away, make sure you act surprised when this all happens, okay?

Hmm. Turbans are cool—I’ll have to find one that doesn’t ruin my hair, but yes, I like this. The machine thing could be a problem unless it’s air conditioned—humidity isn’t good for my hair, not to mention the bath salts.

Well, you could do psychometry with the caveat that you will only read very expensive pieces which you get to keep at the end of the reading. Then open a unique pawn shop where you tell all about the sex lives of the previous owners. What do you think?

Cathy, you are a true genius. Beyond Einstein, Leonardo, and whoever created Pringle’s potato chips. It’s obvious you have intuitive abilities, with this sort of insight and advice. I’m going to have to hire you and Brigitte as my trusted advisors.

Now, if only you could also make it a distance gig…via the blogosphere, of course, you’d be all set. What does my blog template say about me…?

Anyway, funny (to me) story…for the longest time, there was a psychic/tarot card reader not too far from my house. On more than one occasion, I thought it would be fun to go there, except I was always put off by her sign, which said she was a “Physic and Tarot Card Reader.” Every time, I passed her building, I couldn’t help but think, “How did she not see that coming in time to correct it?”

The editor in me would have a hissy fit every time I passed that sign, meizac. I’d have no choice but to take action to correct that typo. Unless she’s actually offering physic (or to the more new agey types, “physick”). But I doubt that.

Now what say you and I discuss your blog template reading over some nice tea and vegan muffins?

There SHOULD be an app for that, Mary. Maybe something where the person just puts their palm on the touch screen and the app scans it. That would be a convenient time saver. Thank you for reminding me of palm readings—it’s so old school I completely forgot about it!

Of course, the Ouija board! Thanks, Stacie. **smacking head because I should have remembered this** I’ll definitely need one of those because they usually freak the fuck out of people. How can a psychic NOT have one??

The A-Rod card is telling me “You will be a great cheater. People will forget you are a cheater for some reason. You will perform poorly with runners in scoring position.” If the guy had Jeter’s attitude he’d be the greatest player of all time.

Greg plays both! And the bass clarinet, the drums, piano, the sitar (that’s appeared in LA), you name it — he plays it. He’s what you might call “musically inclined” or as his neighbors might say, “a nuisance”.

The key to any business success is niche marketing. You don’t need any fancy trappings at all; just market yourself as a specialist in male psychic readings. Put on your low-cut top and let the girls do the talking. Not only will you always be able to accurately read their minds, they’ll come back again and again. Nothing like repeat business…

I can totally do the accent, kayjai, since I’m from NY too. Unfortunately it’s not an especially exotic type of accent. Although I suppose “exotic” is in the ear of the beholder, isn’t it. Meanwhile I see a fantastic new job in your future. It comes with a corporate expense account and a personal assistant named Sven.

It happens to the best of us, Eva. We’re all mere mortals when it comes to accents and cleavage. I wonder if spirits are susceptible to cleavage. For all I know, there’s a bunch of them looking at my boobs right now.

Are you originally from Seattle, Brother Jon? I would have had you pegged as a Cards fan. Yeah, Seattle fans have much to hate about A-Rod. And Randy Johnson. Coincidentally, Yankee fans like myself also have much to hate about A-Rod and Randy Johnson.

No, my grandparents have lived there for most of my life. I think I was 8 or 9 when the moved there. I guess that’s about the time I was old enough to really get into baseball. Ken Griffey Jr. is and always will be my favorite player, that I was able to see play.

I really don’t have that much of a problem with Randy Johnson. I was in Seattle visiting when he was originally traded. He just happens to be so good, what team he plays for didn’t bother me. (I’m not sure about any non-baseball related things he might’ve done either.)
Now we traded Ichiro to New York. I didn’t mind that either. I think it shows that he cares about Seattle, and maybe getting a ring at the same time. He actually called Randy Johnson to ask him if it would be okay to use his number.

Cardinals are okay. I’m originally from St. Pete, Florida, back when there weren’t any teams in Florida. I’m proud when the Cards do good, kind of like being proud during the Olympics. I’m kind of a Cardinal fair weather fan, but I admit it.

You’re right, Griffey is in a class by himself. When Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s HR record, the Onion did an article called something like “We Wish It Had Been You, Ken Griffey Jr!”

I can see being a fair-weather Cards fan if they aren’t your main team. There are many fair-weather Yankee fans, which irks me greatly. Where were they during the lean years, like all of the 80s and early 90s??

So is it weird to you that Tampa Bay now has a baseball team? And they’re actually a legit team now, as opposed to the glorified AAA team that they were up until a few years ago.

I haven’t lived in Florida for almost 30 years. I don’t really know the difference, or better said, I don’t pay attention to it that much. I have my team, that’s who I keep track of.

Yes, I don’t understand some Yankees fans. There are many around here, and they’ve never set foot outside of Missouri. It’s kind of like routing for a college team, when you didn’t attend that college. I just don’t get it. But, to each their own.

I like seeing teams like Tampa Bay doing good. Especially when they can do it without purchasing a ring, like some teams do. But, I’m still stuck in 2001 when Seattle had 116 wins and lost to the YANKEES in the post season.

I know, that was insane. 116 wins, that’s sick. But karma kicked the Yankees in the nuts soon after that, in the form of Luis Gonzalez. I still have flashbacks to that home run that cost the Yanks Game 7.

Okay, you must know, Lily and I are on vacation reading your blog and are laughing hysterically. This is good stuff, Weebs.
Lily says she’d like to be your assistant, something along the lines of Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves. She’ll be the gypsy who collects the money and customers and obviously you and the girls will be the tramp ( I’m just repeating what she’s telling me.) Feel free to switch places. I tried to reference the other Cher song, “Dark Lady” but she couldn’t pull it up.

Hi Grippy and Lily!! It’s hard to find a lot of Cher songs that have the right relevance, so well done. I’m down with the Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves deal (and the girls reallly are tramps, so it works). When you get back from vacation let’s chat further about this venture at some sort of quinoa-free establishment.

The catalog “the pyramid collection” should have some attire and jewelry you may need… then I would use phone apps… And what about a crystal sized gold ball… that would be portable and make you even more bad ass.

I used to get the Pyramid Collection catalog but no more, for whatever reason. I’m going to check them out because I have a lot of shopping to do. I love the idea of the gold ball—very fancy and definitely lighter than a crystal one.

i used to get that catalog — and then (about 10 years ago) decided to buy one of those flippy, gauzey, Stevie-Nicks-ie dresses, thinking it would make me look all mystical and flowy and all. Ummm… i looked like grandma’s sofa, after a serious fruit juice spill. Stopped getting the catalog after i moved. i didn’t go looking for it again…

I’m focusing…. Yes, I see you developing the ability to become invisible, enabling you to prowl the halls of girls’ college dorms at will. I also see you receiving the gift of being able to select winning lottery numbers, and you winning millions of dollars. You use this money strictly to buy pimped out cars, houses, yachts, and your own personal hair consligieri.

I had to think hard about our West country sensitives, who generally have a ring through the nose, a lot of tattoos and you wouldn’t cross on a dark night. You could of course go the whole hog and opt for the druid option but that requires a beard.

I’ve heard about the West Country psychics. I suppose I could go Druid but my beard will never to impress those guys. But maybe I’ll learn Ogham just in case. And you can’t go wrong with Runes, I’ll need those too.

Take those bath salts, put ’em on a flat dish and blow, at the same time requesting your, um, client, to inhale. You will then be able to tell ’em anything at all. They will believe you! Of course, it would also help to have some EMTs standing by. Out of the path of the blow..I mean, salts blow.

The baseball card tarot is pure genius! What would a Mark Prior card say about potential and reality?! 😛 I love the current gravatar, but your fortune teller persona would need to reflect the buxom, flamboyant side of the Force,,,,

Ohhh, poor Mark Prior. “The Mark Prior card symbolizes great promise and much early success, until a convergence of forces causes a sudden and drastic decline. It is unlikely that you will ever recover your former glory.”

You’re an archaeologist, so for you, JM, I suspect a baseball card reading might include some old-school players. It’s a little hazy so I can’t see it clearly, but perhaps it involves Nolan Ryan card, the Cal Ripken Jr. card, and the Mike Schmidt card.

I cannot remember how I found your blog–I think it was through Brigittee-omg you are funny! You can read my tea leaves anytime (oh I forgot that is old-fashioned) — how about Pokemon cards–we have a million of them at my house!

Do you have a location, or are you going to be a traveling Madame Weebles? Wandering through the park until you just suddenly seize, turn to the nearest passerby and yell “YOU! You have done a terrible thing.” And get them to pay you an exorbitant amount of money to life the curse.

GASP! I love this idea, walking through the park, pointing at someone randomly and predicting doom unless the appropriate funds are paid to remove the curse. There’s no reason I couldn’t—I can have the obligatory storefront parlor, but then I could also do gigs at carnivals and stuff. That would be pretty fun. I’d target as many obnoxious people as I could, too. Litterbugs, line cutters, rowdy assholes, etc.

How about this? Why can’t fortune-tellers have children? It’s ’cause their husbands have crystal balls.

You’re right, Madame Weebles is a kick ass name for a fortune teller. It goes without saying that the “W” has to be pronounced like a “V.”

Mentioning those who speak with the dead–replying to a comment you made on my own blog, I mentioned how I would like to kick televangelists in the nuts. I’d like to add to that the likes of John Edwards (not the pretty-boy politician; he’s no more slimy than most–he just got caught), the dude who “Talks with the Dead.” Now, normally I approve of con-men. Seriously, they perform a sort of financial natural selection. In a lot of cases, they prey upon the greedy who want to get something for nothing. But John Edwards preys upon the grieving, and that makes him a very bad fellow, and also richly deserving of a size 13 Tiva all up in his ‘nads.

I hate all those vultures who prey on the grieving, Smak. They’re evil. Conning people is one thing, exploiting them is something else. That’s why televangelists are evil too. They all deserve a whopping kick in the nads, and that’s just for starters.

But see, legion, you prove my point. Nobody likes him! I didn’t like him when the Yankees got him (and I’m a Yankee fan), and I dislike him even more now. Now take a deep breath and picture a nicer player, like Ken Griffey Jr. or Prince Fielder or someone like that. Your blood pressure will go down soon.

Madame,
Levity and wit – good psychic karma. If I were a psychic-type person myself, I might venture to say there are second thoughts a-plenty coursing through that very strong aura of yours…but then, maybe that’s just me reading my own mind? Fiercely kind or kindly fierce – that heart of yours can’t lead you down a BAD path. I foresee a future of up and downs, joys and sorrows, love and loss AND that you will live it all with great passion. 😉

learn to read the future in the lip-hairs of middle-aged sicilian-american women. there’s good money in that. just say “I see that you have an appointment with an aesthetician… or at least you are SUPPOSED to have that appointment” and you’ll do the world a favor.

Splendid, NBI! I’ll have to get started on the smoky voice thing now because it will take some time to develop. I don’t smoke, so I guess I’ll have to start drinking a lot more booze and gargling with gravel.

It’s me! Buuuuuuut I guess you already knew that didn’t you. Boy, you’re a natural at this game.

This is truly a classic. I couldn’t top laughing at “Ever drop one of those fuckers?” And you certainly do have the attributes required for the job.

One of things I’v always wondered is, why do clairvoyants have a 1-800 numbers? I mean, don’t they already know I want to talk to them? Why do I have to call them. On this basis, I’d suggest dialing away at random (or, as you would have to say, in whichever way the spirit moves you) and start predicting the future. Course, you might have a tiny bit of trouble getting the credit card number out of them, but again, if you’re a true fortune teller you can probably guess the digits. And if you don’t do too well guessing digits, there’s always a site in Latvia that sells them.

Hi Nigel !! Yes, of course I sensed it was you, the vibes never lie. And thank you for the kind words, of course. I have to agree with you, one shouldn’t have to contact a psychic, the spirits should be guiding the psychics to whoever needs a fortune told. Maybe I’ll head to Vegas or Atlantic City and offer my services to all the people who are looking for winning roulette numbers, wondering which slot machines are due to pay out, etc. Because these poor dears could use some help.

Don’t forget the snazzy head scarves and a zillion rings in your fingers.. Oh the candles too.. I think you would be a great psychic..Hey, will that guy i work with that plucks my nerves twist his ankle soon?

Hmmm…. the bath salts are forming a very interesting pattern… well, it looks like he’s going to twist his ankle, definitely. He’ll be out for a while. But then just before he’s due to come back, he’s going to get cocky and overdo the physical activity, and he’ll sprain the ankle again. This time the docs will say he needs to stay out on disability for an indefinite period of time.

It’s all about atmosphere. I’m thinking you need to have quite a few mirrors, and the crystals should hang close enough together to tingle. That way, when people see them swaying in the mirror, you can say it’s the spirits talking. (Of course, the downside is that wimps like me won’t come back!)

For an accent, I’d go with either Eastern European (perhaps you were the love-child of Romanian Gypsies?) or Russian. Russian accents always get my attention.

I once put my faith in a Magic 8-Ball. I asked it if it always spake the truth (Yes, I did use spake. I was a precocious turd as a child) and it replied ‘my sources say no’ which, frankly, was more paradoxical than I care to think about.
Have you considered doing a series of deliberately bogus fortunes and calling yourself The Weeblord?

I had not considered creating any bogus fortunes of any kind, actually. My business will be strictly on the up-and-up. No deceit, no scamming of any kind. I have to uphold the tradition of the authenticity and honesty of fortune tellers from generations past.

This was great! (I was going to mention the ever powerful Magic 8-ball, but Biscuits beat me! haha) I loved the old black n white movie when I was a kid about the werewolf…the gypsy looks at his hand and says, “You have the curse of the ‘vvvverewolf’….” and then makes the sign of the evil eye! (on a serious note – my best friend just bought some tarot cards, she has not read my future yet…..)

Hello and welcome!! You’re never too late for the party, no matter how many comments there are. And in fact I *did* see a couch and a movie in your future! Right now I’m looking again…. I’m seeing more couch time, maybe more computer time, and then bed time. Let me know if any of these were correct, will you?