Tag Archives: Kevin Cole

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an executive order, which many are calling a clear violation of the separation of church and state, President Donald Trump declared he would give up the act of denouncing anti-Semitism for Lent.

“The touchy-feely Anne Frank Center may think I’m not tough on anti-Semitism, but I’m about to show those Jews what fighting hate really looks like,” Trump announced in a brief statement to the press. “Anyone can give up chocolate for Lent. Easy. What I plan to do is going to be very tough for this administration. Recently, I’ve felt like I could denounce a different act of anti-Semitism daily, but for the next 40 days I’ve chosen not to. As we get closer to Passover, I’m sure this will become a very difficult task, but I am doing it to prove my dedication to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King of the Jews. And he really was, ask any rabbi, they’ll tell you.”

President Trump went on to explain how much he would like to speak out about the recent string of attacks against the Jewish community, if it were not in violation of his religious freedom.

High-ranking members of the administration, including Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Jeff Sessions, were notably eager to join the President in his 40 day fast.

“I can’t imagine doing more to help the Jews,” Bannon noted with a glint of joy in his eye as he took credit for helping draft the latest executive order.

“Who says this Lent thing has to be 40 days—maybe if goes well, we’ll make it 80,” he added.

One element of the order that has drawn harsh criticism is the President’s call for the FBI to cease its investigations into anti-Semitic hate crimes, notably the recent vandalism at historic Jewish cemeteries and bomb threats made to Jewish Community Centers across the nation. When asked about this element of the order, Press Secretary Sean Spicer became notably hostile.

“No one is telling the FBI to cease investigations!” Spicer snapped “We’re simply asking them to dial it back and focus on God for once. If someone should spray-paint a swastika on a synagogue door, we ask that instead of launching an investigation, the FBI simply ask God for help.”

He went on to clarify that after the 40 day fasting period, the FBI could return to investigating any hate crimes they happened to remember, as they are not to log the crimes committed during Lent.

An unnamed source close to both the administration and the church noted that Trump also intends to give up golden showers for the duration of Lent. He is noticeably more concerned about that.

On New Years Eve, pop sensation Mariah Carey was the last to fall victim to the curse of 2016. Live on Ryan Seacrest’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Mariah suffered the career embarrassment to end all career embarrassments. You can watch the clip below:

As truly embarrassing as this is for Mariah–who claims she was set up as part of a publicity stunt by Dick Clark Productions to boost ratings for what is probably the most-watched New Years Special– you should not give a shit about it. Here’s why…

You’re not Mariah Carey, and what on God’s green earth makes you think you are? Who are you, anyway? You have some gall to question the Goddess that is Mariah Carey. “Shit happens” as she said, but even the good shit you experience will be but a fraction of the best shit that Mariah enjoys on a daily basis. After all, she is Mariah and you are… who did you say you were? Steve?

But let’s not forget the most important reason that you shouldn’t give a shit about Mariah’s New Year’s performance…

DONALD TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

In almost two weeks, Donald Trump, the fucking “you’re fired” guy, is going to be the leader of the free world. And maybe you’ve been too upset about Mariah to notice that Mayor McCheese has stuffed his cabinet full of white supremacists and straight-up Nazis!

To make matters worse, Congressional Republicans just held a secret vote to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics, but then pulled the measure because the Supreme Leader essentially said “Woah, woah, not so fast guys! Let’s bury the lead a bit on ethics, take care of that in week two. We have to focus on OBAMACARE!”

2016 was hard for everyone, particularly those opposed to the rise of fascism and celebrity deaths. Here are some highlights to remind us that in every tire fire, there are one or two tires that have yet to burn.

Goslings’ Gooselings

Largely overshadowed by the Super Bowl, who could forget the moment when Ryan Gosling was followed home by a flock of baby geese. Marching down Los Feliz, single file, these hatchlings were quick to accept Ryan Gosling, a man with little to no bird like features, as their father. Even better, Ryan Gosling came to love these birds as his own, despite the fact that for him, fathering geese meant sharing a snifter of Brandy with them while watching Crazy Stupid Love on pay-per-view. He even mailed a baby Goose to Rachel McAdams who would in turn dump it on True Detective co-star Colin Ferrell.

The Little Engine That Did

It’s a frightening sight when a train derails, to make matters worse, fatalities are often high so it’s strange that no news outlets covered the derailment of the Amtrak 460 in rural Ohio. Perhaps the lack of coverage was due to the miraculous work of conductor Frank Tamlan who managed to rerail the commuter train after barreling into a corn field. Clint Eastwood praised him as a modern day Sully and quipped that he would have made a film about the rerailing (an event that lasted at least 45 minutes) had Tamlan not been wearing a Hillary Clinton lapel pin.

Cricket comes to America

For a week following the 2016 Olympic Games, cricket was the hottest sport in America and just a quickly as it came, it disappeared. No members of the now defunct American Cricket Committee were willing to explain what happened to the sport, making it more baffling that almost every American family now owns a cricket bat. It’s an anomaly we haven’t seen in the states since Croquet-mania took over in the mid sixties.

Honestly, that’s it. This year was a hell scape, but the good news is that there’s no way 2017 could possibly worse! Haha, right!?

As the holiday season approaches, we at The Annual are dedicated to keeping you in Christmas spirit by highlighting a classic Christmas Tune every week. Here’s our second hit!

Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmas Time was released years before I was born, making it as timeless a classic as Rudolf The Red-nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and Do They Know It’s Christmas Time At All? I’ve been listening to it my whole life and I can’t imagine a single Christmas without it.

As soon as Black Friday comes around, I start cranking up that sweet sweet synth. “Bow-bow-bow-bow/wowowowow, Bow-bow-bow-bow/wowowowow” a sound as festive as sleigh bells. It has been so engrained as a holiday tune that I’ll often hear other songs featuring bells and a synthesizer (Always Something There To Remind Me by Naked Eyes) and feel as if snow ought to be falling and I ought to be shopping.

Of course, the song rings true for my own childhood, as I was once a Christian child on Christmas eve, singing songs with all the other Christian children. It’s very likely that we practiced all year long, and if we didn’t, it at least felt like it as I was never a comfortable or confident singer. While McCartney didn’t quite trust his choir of children with anything more than onomatopoeia, it was true that the youngest of children’s choirs could scarcely be trusted with actual lyrics, something we made up for with our absurd cuteness. That said, the few lyrics the children’s choir did have were often memorized, a cut above the skills of the adult choir. So there!

This week, let us all gather ’round the hearth and sing that classic song! DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DING! ooOOO! oooOOOOOOO! DO-DO! DO-DO! DO-DO-DO!

Welcome to Good Times with Karli Cole! A show dedicated to bringing to good times to good people, SOOO GOOD! In our very first episode, Karli discovers that for everything the show has, it’s lacking the most important thing… A THEME SONG! So sit back and relax as we visit Thommy Tune and start makin’ music!

This Christmas, many are calling for a total boycott of the famed Mall of America due to their decision to employ a Black Santa. I grew up with White Santa, but unlike many boycotters, I understand that Santa is merely a social construct.

However, I will not be shopping at The Mall of America this year, just as I have chosen not to do ever since I learned about this capitalist wonderland while watching Mary Kate and Ashley’s Mall Party as a child. I have chosen to boycott the mall on the sheer premise of practicality, you expect me to travel 15 hours to Minnesota to get my holiday shopping done? No thanks. At that rate, my relatives will be getting photographs of me sitting on Black Santa’s lap and nothing else from me. I can purchase more meaningful gifts by supporting small businesses like Amazon.com.

I will be extending this boycott to all malls. They’re simply too crowded during the holidays and mall managers seem content not to change that. I can barely stand to set foot in a mall at 10% capacity. Who can function in a crowded location with such an unclear flow of foot traffic. Wherever I stand, I’m in someone’s way it’s awful for my already low self-esteem. Call me a special snowflake but I will not be enjoying the artificial snowflakes at the Mall this year or any other.

Bless all of you who venture out to malls this holiday season, but I will be wrapped in a blanket on my sofa while the gift steadily trickle in, pre-wrapped, thanks to various internet vendors.

DISCLAIMER: I will void this boycott of Senator Al Franken is willing to meet me at the Mall of America so that we may shop together and become best pals.

I’ve been called out a few times thanks to Ben Carson’s recent cabinet appointment. This is largely due to Carson’s role in Great Again and the fact that his appointment means yet another thing I have predicted through the dark magic of theatre!

To be clear, I take no delight in my predictions coming true (I like to think of them as warnings, but now that they are actively happening, “prediction” is an equally accurate term).

In Great Again, a story which parallels a Trump Administration to the events of Thornton Wilder’s Our Town, Ben Carson serves as the Stage Manager, or for those who are unfamiliar with Our Town, the Narrator. He is also noted as the Director of Health and Human Services. If Carson were to get a position, this would have been the most logical.

In fact, Carson was offered this position but turned it down because he did not feel he was qualified to head up a government agency, something that apparently isn’t the job of a President. This was a fitting end to Carson’s legacy as a 2016 contender, had it actually been the end for Ben.

Ben Carson has been appointed to lead the department of Housing and Urban Development. Okay, fine. Of course he would have a position, but this one appointment meant that I somehow gave Donald Trump TOO MUCH CREDIT. I presumed that Donald Trump would give Ben Carson, the doctor, Health and Human Services. Instead, Donald Trump would appoint Ben Carson, the black guy, to Urban Development.

Did I somehow write a less-racist version of our President Elect? Did I somehow write A BRIGHTER version of our nation’s future? I’m afraid I’ve been forbidden from making predictions by those who love and care about me, so unfortunately these questions must go unanswered. Again, I apologize for the hell that I have wrought.