Posts Tagged ‘Lost’

I was enjoying a day at the Rockies game doing my usual; multi-tasking. I was watching my TWITTER stream, peering onto the game over my Blackberry, talking to my friend and husband and playing with the kids. Oh, yeah, I was drinking a beer too. Amused as always with my Twitter stream, I realized it was time to put the phone down and get the kids packed up. They were done, it was the 7th inning.

I had my phone in my hand, baby strapped to the front of me, toddler walking next to me and hubby leading the way. One quick stop into the loo was all I needed. And, of course, I left my phone in the bathroom stall. And the moral of this story – don’t leave your phone in the bathroom stall or someone will take it. Well, that isn’t really the moral of the story, but a side note.

Within seconds my lifeline was gone. Sound dramatic? My Twitter stream, POOF! My Facebook access lost. My phone book, buh-bye. My PHONE, gawn. GAWN! I panicked and then I became interested in my own physiological meltdown. Well, it wasn’t really a meltdown, but I was having side-effects, seriously. I felt, lost and dazed. No, I am not kidding.

I decided, after I talked to the insurance company (yes, I always insure my phones) that since I wouldn’t see a replacement for 48 hours give or take, due to the Holiday weekend that I would experiment with my “need” to always be connected.

FIRST HOURS:

I couldn’t believe how ridiculous it was how disconnected I was feeling. A phone, a blackberry… some call it an extra appendage… it just didn’t make sense to me why I was feeling so out of sorts? What is so important ‘out there’ that I was actually missing? I guessed, probably not much. I couldn’t check my streams or my friends’ status updates, click through the news or see the latest baseball score. Big deal, right?

Wrong….

I realized within the first few hours of loss that my Blackberry had become a ‘tick.’ That’s right, a nervous, boredom, fill-the-time-or-empty-space-moments with noise – other people’s noise, ‘tick.’ It was shocking to me how much I missed clicking between Twitter and Facebook to see updates, learn, engage and be part of the conversation. The need to be part of all of this, I discovered, drives me.

The need and DRIVE is: Connectivity. Belonging. A way for me to experience others without having direct person-to-person contact. This new discovery of mine was not surprising. What was surprising, however, was how I felt when I didn’t have the option to just ‘connect’ instantaneously. Isn’t everything, instant? Don’t we function on ‘instant’ now? I do and now I know how important it is to have access, anytime, anywhere.

MORE HOURS:

I missed the feeds and status updates… and then… I kind of chilled. Don’t get me wrong, I did “wonder” what was going on when I wasn’t looking or connected. I realized that time and appropriate USE of my Blackberry was what I might need to pay attention to. If I want to be connected, I could be connected – but I had to make some adjustments. I hadn’t fully realized how much I was missing outside the stream. I started actually, um, driving my car, listening to NPR again and just being with myself, sans hyper-connectivity. It was oddly, refreshing. I took an OATH to stop texting, Tweeting, Facebooking and emailing while driving. It seems soooo obvious…. I know. YOU CAN TOO- HERE. I HOPE YOU DO!

THE FINAL HOURS:

Being disconnected was interesting. I was thankful for the time I got to reflect which is something I am really thankful for. Re-connecting with self is so very important – equally as important as connecting outside of myself. -BALANCE-

CHARGED!

I have learned that connectedness isn’t a bad thing. Somehow, I was feeling guilty for being *that girl* that is always Twittering or Facebooking. You know what? Being part of the stream is important to me. Participating in the conversation is valuable to me. Listening to others and learning from others is vital to me. So the appendage stays.

I think using my appendage at more appropriate times is what matters. Maybe cool down on the triple-tasking, perhaps?

Like this:

For several months I have been trying to re-find myself. Sounds silly, however, I have gotten lost on a few occasions. The last lost self happened when I gave birth to our daughter in July, 2006. She became my everything, as kids should, until you realize, you have to have “self”, also.

I began taking some training’s to find spark, or see if I could drum up enthusiasm I so desperately needed. After all, Scout, our daughter is almost 2. She has a little life of her own now.

I have thrown out my credentials to many companies in search of a “job” or a “career.” I found the need to do this when I decided that working at midnight for my clients was no longer fair to my family. I have been running ASHER SOLUTIONS for three years and with a great deal of pride and growth, I still find that I cannot do it all alone. I feed off people and collaborative relations and efforts. Three months of shooting off résumés – and targeted I might add, I have offers on the table and feel really CONFUSED? How does one go from business owner to employee? How does one go from STAY-AT-HOME-WORKING-MOM to employee? I am unsure of this transition and I am scared.

I have applied for press credentials to the Democratic National Convention as an alternative blogger. I feel I need to be there, like many do. It will be one of the most amazing weeks and I want to witness it up close and personal. I am awaiting an answer.

I applied to the WOMEN RULE! conference and was declined. They had 80 spots available and got 3,000 applicants. I was bummed. But is this failure?

I throw stuff out there – to see what sticks. I always have. And I am a big believer in “it was meant to be.”

Then why the unrest? Why the total lack of passionate and unwavering focus in the midst of such learning and growing? I am trying to identify the nagging sensation in the pit of my hungry tummy. What makes us who we are? And when we lose ourselves, what brings us back?

In the midst of seeking I have also been diagnosed with a lifetime illness that has brought doubt, sadness and fear. SILENT THYROIDITIS they call it. It doesn’t feel so silent. Since November, I have been sick – without knowing why. It took some digging, some scans, blood work and intense waiting to see if the word CANCER had crept into my life. Now we know what it is. Now, I learn how to live with SL and move on, right? Some days, I haven’t been able to move because it is so hardcore – it makes me tired. My hair falls out. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am anxious and really, because it is in my THYROID, which is the body’s thermometer, I haven’t worn a coat since last winter. I am always hot or freezing. These sounds like minor set backs until you weave them together and that makes for a pissed off, lost, sick, MAMA!

Is this failure? Or just life? How does one find oneself after having gone missing for so long?