Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Introducing... Ask The Yenta!

By now you all know that I'm food obsessed in the manner of a young Labrador. But let me clarify that statement, because this is important. I'm focused on food because I love it but mostly because I'm responsible for feeding five people every day several times a day. I have to be thinking about my next meal because half the time, it must be approached with a level of strategery that even an ex-President couldn't muster on a daily basis.

For each meal, the following must be assessed and dealt with:

What food is on hand?

Do I have any desire to eat it?

Do I need to go the store?

If so, will it be a big trip or a small trip? (A big trip requires a list and coupons)

Should I text my husband to see what he feels like for dinner?

Can I go to the store in such a way that I don't have to bring all of my offspring with me?

Should I just make mac and cheese?

Oh crap - how did it get so late?

DAMNITALLTOHELL the chicken is still frozen.

Sorry, mommy didn't mean to use those words.

Call Domino's.

And so despite my love of food and cooking, it all starts to get old and feel like a job. And I need help. I have questions and could really use some inspiration. That's where The Yenta comes in. Her real name is Laura and she is a bonafide expert on food and cooking. And she's not just here for me, hookers. She's here for all of us.

In calling The Yenta, I'm calling in the big guns. And I mean that literally because Laura's cleavage rivals my own. Slightly less impressive is the fact that she graduated from the Culinary Institute of America and has worked as an executive chef. She now runs a business called "Dish with the Yenta..." in Philadelphia (where she will come to your house and teach you and your friends stuff while you're drinking - wait. not her drinking - you drinking). She also has a very cool blog called The Oy of Cooking...

So if you have food related questions or need help or a new idea or how to get around a food allergy or how to make something you have to eat less gross - ASK THE YENTA. Leave a question here as a comment and she may just answer it next week. We hope this will be a recurring thing, we ask The Yenta and every couple of weeks she answers.

And also? We went to high school together in NJ and we were both cheerleaders even though we weren't the coolest girls in the world. And if you are very sweet to The Yenta and gain her trust, she may perhaps share photographic evidence of this. Lydia from high school was very, very special. Remember the whole story about me breaking into Mike Tyson's house? Special.

I asked her to share some things about herself with you as she is becoming part of the family. Here's what she had to say:

My husband is nine years younger than me. That’s right, ladies.

I HATE parades, unless I’m in it and am the Queen of the float.

I believe that broken cookies, holiday cookies, any cookies you receive as a gift and cookies that have fallen on the floor have no calories and are fine to eat in excess.

If you like my matzoh balls, you’ll love my kugel…

I love Beef Jerky. It's delicious and makes me feel like a cave woman when I eat it.

I already know you have more kitchen gadgets and chachkies then you need. Next time you go to use any of the following, throw it in the garbage and use your hands: garlic press, lemon squeezer, egg cracker and/or egg separator, Hamburger shaper, etc…

Which leads to my first question - Yenta, why are you hating on my garlic press? What's wrong with a dang garlic press? Also! How does one prepare beets in such a way that they don't taste like dirt? Is it possible? The Cap'n loves them and I think they're made of gross.