Hello, world! I know it’s been a while for my tens of fans, so let me catch you up a bit.

After graduating college, I decided to go to law school. Two months in, i dropped out. When people ask why, i always say something like, “it wasn’t for me.” (which is just a friendly way of saying that it SUCKED ASS) I’m now holding down a big-boy job, and after a busy first month, i finally have some time to get the Think Tank back up and running.

For my triumphant return, i present to you the one productive thing inspired by my short pursuit of a legal career — a song parody.

Here is “Professoro” to the tune of “Alejandro” by Lady GaGa (watch vid below if you need to get reacquainted with the tune)

“Professoro” by G-Man

Intro

I know that we are young,
And i know that you may quiz me,
But i just can’t answer this question right now,Professoro.

Verse

She’s got both hands,
On her keyboard.
And she won’t look at you, won’t look at you.
She hides facebook,
On her laptop.
She’s got e-mail in a-nother window too

Pre-chorus

You know that i love statutes,
And briefing cases to boot.
But if it is me you must choose,
There’s-nothing-i-can-do.

Warning: You are about to exceed your recommended daily allowance of Tokyo Talk. Proceed with caution. And enthusiastic sardonicism. And haughty vocabulary.

Buenos Nachos! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Tokyo Talk! I know it’s been a while, but absence makes the fart heart grow fonder.

It’s been a bit of a struggle to keep up with regular posting, but in honor of the one year anniversary of The Tokyo Think Tank’s founding, i present to you a full-course offering of Tokyo Talk. BON APPETIT!

When you're sweaty, you're ready

Let’s talk about sweat, baby

As the summer begins to wind down, i feel it’s a good time to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: Perspiration. As i like to say: Some people sweat bullets. I sweat buckets. I kinda consider myself the Stephen Hawking of sweating. In light of that consideration, let me share with you some of my sweat prevention techniques!

The hair dryer – ever been to a pregame or party stuffed with people you hate who take all of the oxygen and air conditioning that you clearly deserve? Have you proceeded to produce massive sweat stains on your nice button-down as a result? Well, let me share a little remedy with you: duck into the bathroom, plug in a hair dryer, and work that mofo full blast on aforementioned stains. They’ll be gone in minutes. Beware: this technique is a double-edged sword. While clearing up the stains, it does pump up the core temperature of your pits, which could lead to exponentially worse sweating. This technique is best used right before you’re about to leave.

Powder – a fine preventive/remedial technique for the causal sweater, powdering your “saturated areas” is a good way to keep dry and smooth while hopefully stymying future sweat attacks. Warning: Do not attempt this technique if you are an advanced sweater who is already in the process of heavy perspiration. For example, if you already have swamp ass, don’t apply powder to the area. You’ll just wind up walking around with a batch of waffle batter in your pants.

Dream Scenario – It is my hope to one day obtain a gigantic spool of UnderArmour material and a sexy seamstress to attach patches of UnderArmour to the armpits of all my shirts. I think that not only would it keep me dry, it would also make me more aerodynamic when i fight.

Mango-Pineapple is the new Hey-Ho

You’ve probably all seen this commercial by now:

I mean, i like smoothies as much as the next guy, but since when did any musician think it a good idea to initiate a call-and-response about artificial flavoring? I’m a particular fan of the girl dressed in yellow (edit: everyone is dressed in yellow) whom the camera focuses on as she excitedly responds, “PINEAPPLE!” Do you think that chick will one day build a successful acting career and attribute it to the huge resume boost of starring as “Pineapple girl” in a McDonald’s commercial? Shame on you, Ronald (That beat is still hot, though).

Hypothetical

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

Which is a worse place to hear the song “Shots” by LMFAO: An alcoholics anonymous meeting, or a pediatrician’s office?

Speaking of LMFAO…

People want to party with these guys?

Does anyone remember that stretch during the summer when SportsCenter was using “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO as the background track for highlight compilations? I’m sorry, but when i think sports i dont really think of the two dorks pictured above. I remain unconvinced that these guys actually know how to party and that people with the slightest bit of respect for themselves would actually want to party with these dweebs. LMFAO only serves to promote the popularity of this next topic…

“Clowning” or as some call it, “Dressing and acting like a fucking idiot”

Yeah...

Are you a unique person who wants to express your individuality? Well stop right there, because this trend is not for you! You’ve all certainly seen it. Douchebags dressed in bright colors and feathered hats. Girls wearing lampshades and glasses without lenses, saying, “Live your life be free.” *barf* If this whole trend is supposed to be about expressing yourself and your creativity, then why is it that everyone dresses and acts the same? If i may borrow from South Park: Stan asks the goths how he can join their group, to which one goth replies, “If you want to be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.” Thank you, South Park. I could not have articulated it better.

(Another great excerpt from that episode of South Park)

Goth (to kyle): You just dont know what real pain is

Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Why don’t you go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!

Goth: I’m not gonna live in a third-world country with all the conformists.

Do you remember this song?

Of course you do! But i bet you probably couldnt name the artist. Take a closer look. Ce Ce Peniston.. PenisTon. Penis Ton. How great is that?! (LOLLZZZZ)

And now for the traditional lookalike of the whenever

Jorge Posada of the NY Yankees looks like The Jesus himself – John Turturro.

If invention is born from necessity, parody must be the bastard child of immaturity.

Making popular song parodies has been a hobby of mine for a while now. It started with inserting a subtle “poop” or “choad” in for common pop. song words like “love” or “face”. Practice makes perfect; the following song parodies make no sense. Enjoy!

“Billie Jean” – Michael Jackson

Chorus: “Billie Jean is not my Grandma.

She’s just a girl who thinks she’s my grand-mo-ther.

But you are weird please-go-away.”

“Last Resort” AKA “Last Pop Tart” – Papa Roach

First verse: “Cut my life into Reese’s.

This is my last Pop Tart.

Liposuction.

No eating.

Dont give a fuck, no more trick-or-treating.”

(THIS IS MY LAST POP TART!)

“S&M” AKA “M&M’s” – Rihanna

Chorus: “I may be fat, but I’m perfectly good at it.

Put down that éclair, i don’t care i love the smell of it.

Vege-ta-bles might help my bones,

But chips and dip excite meeeee.” (NOM-NOM-NOM COME ON!)

And now, the pièce de résistance…

“Fly” AKA “Pie” – Sugar Ray

First Verse: “All around the world, apple crumble for me.

You knowww i love peach cobbler.

Every pie i know goes well with ice cream

Whether hot or cold, a good pie warms my soul.”

Chorus: Iiiii just want some pie.

Offer cake and i’ll say maybe,

But i’d prefer some good pie baby.

Iiiii just want some pie.

Put that raccoon away baby,

I want pie; I dont want rabies.

Iiiiiiiiii just wantttt some pie.”

Well, i’ve about busted my creative load. If you think you got some good parodies, leave a comment or tweet at me.

Bonjour. Ciao. Hola. Howdy do, mothafucka. Yes, I know, I’ve been gone for a minute. Now I’m back with the jumpoff! All Lil Kim lyrics aside, i present to you the platinum edition of Tokyo Talk. If you’re new to the program, click here. Alright now, FULL STEAM AHEAD!

Child, please!

Obeservation: If you saw a 5-year-old boy, you would call him a little boy or little kid. If you saw a 5-year-old girl, you would only call her a little girl and not a little kid. So, girls aren’t kids? Think about it. You know you do it. If it’s bugging you, just use my solution and call them all little shits.

Opinion: I’ve never been a huge fan of potato chips. I like corn chips, tortilla chips, etc., but something about potato chips turns me off. Probably because i used to hang out with this nerdy kid whose house smelled like stale potato chip farts. Whatever. I’ll let you eat your potato chips in peace. But i DO take exception to these abominations:

If crab were spelled "frab" and then reversed, it would spell "barf." Interesting.

Crab chips. What would possess anyone to buy these? Travel south of the mason-dixon line and people fiend for them like crackheads for a fix. It’s gotta be the Old Bay seasoning, or as i like to call it, “Hillbilly Pixie Dust.” The only reason i wold ever buy these is to repel people of decency and good taste. “Get back, esteemed gentleman, or face my crabby breath and spoiled pride!”

Mmmm, meat.

Discussion: If you were a 25-year-old virgin who has also been a vegetarian your whole life, which would better: the first time having sex or the first time eating a well-marbled, juicy, succulent, bone-in Rib-eye steak? Im going with the steak. People might think older virgins are weird, but to quote the great Hank Hill, “Vegetarians can’t be trusted.”

COMPLIMENTARY INTERMISSION JAM

That's some good NaCl, baby.

Here’s a dank idea: Instead of using plain old salt for tequila shots or margaritas, bars should collect and use the flavor-infused salt that gathers at the bottom of pretzel bags (the only salt officially endorsed by The Tokyo Think Tank). It would be like eating your pretzel and drinking it too!

"Free sandwich? How can this be bad?"

If i were in a band, we would call ourselves “Free Sandwich.” We might suck. We might not even play music. But people would definitely show up if they saw “Free Sandwich tonight” written on a billboard. You’ve seen Free Hat, haven’t you?

And now for the traditional hypothesized lovechild: In the spirit of the NBA playoffs, i propose to you that if Breckin Meyer (Road Trip, Franklin & Bash) and Liam Neeson (Taken, general badass) had a baby, it would look like Oklahoma City Thunder head coach Scott Brooks.

Howdy. It’s been a while. There are many updates about the Tokyo Cultural Center and The Tokyo Think Tank to report on, but i’ll save that for its own post. For now, enjoy the newest edition of famous lookalikes!

I’ve been a mac user for about four years now. I’ve never been tempted to make the switch back to the PC. That is until i tried the HP Envy 14 BEATS edition laptop from HP.

This computer is pretty freakin’ sweet. These are the only laptops integrated with Beats Audio technology by Dr. Dre. If you’re unfamiliar with Beats, think about the pre-game warmup of the last sporting event you watched. You undoubtedly saw a few athletes rocking the Beats headphones.

The audio quality of this laptop alone is enough to convert anyone to a HP user. I know you might be thinking that there can’t be that much of a difference in the audio specs between laptops, but believe me, the envy 14 displays marked supremacy with its aural awesomeness. On top of that, this laptop offers fast, efficient performance by using some of the most advanced Intel technology and hardware, all at about half the price of similar competitors.

Bonjour! Welcome to the sixth edition of Tokyo Talk, you’re favorite place for articulate observations, curious hypotheses and bizarre social commentary! If you’re unfamiliar, check out past editions. Let’s get to it!!!

Crackstick

Interesting Fact: They say crack is the most addictive drug. You know what the second most addictive is? Original Chapstick. True statement.

This guy probably stunk pretty hard

Did you know that you don’t really need laundry detergent to make your clothes smell fresh? It’s actually the abrasion from the washing process that lifts odors from your threads. It’s true. So, the next time you’re around some smelly hippie, kick his ass a little bit. He’ll probably freshen right up and thank you kindly!