Question

How and when do you talk to your child about a loved one who passed away?

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My daughter just turned 2 and I am 22 weeks pregnant with my second (a boy!). My big Brother, Sam, was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver a little over 3 years ago, on Christmas eve. I always assumed I would figure out what to say when the time came to discuss it with my children. Well, now that my daughter is older, she see's the pictures and she knows that is Uncle Sam, but I'm getting more and more worried about when she gets to the point of asking me why she has never met this uncle. I very much want to keep his memory alive, and I want my children o know who he was, but I want to be positive about his life. I don't want them to feel sad about his death. This would be easier if I was religious, but I'm not. I don't want to say "Uncle Sam is in heaven" when in reality, I have no idea if he is or not. I want to be as honest as possible. So any suggestions on how I can put it, and when I can start explaining to them what has happened, without traumatizing them?

Mom Answers

My husband died due to a helicopter crash when my son was 4 years old. when I told him that his dad wouldnt return but have gone to heven he accepted it .further I explained him that whent the time on earth is over the people have to go and he knew that his father was a very good religiouse person.even now after two years he believes that his dad is his gardian engle and I feel it doesnt harm his mind and thoughts.Im a buddhist and I believe in rebirth so hope he will understand this and accept that his dad is no more in the world when he is older

Children have no concept of death so if you tell them when they are young that he died they might still think they will meet him tomorrow. In this case it might be best to say that Sam is their guardian angel, and do it for the sake of your children's emotional well being at this.point in their life. I was very.scared when I found out about the realities of death when I was 5 and I would never do that to a child. It isn't about your beliefs its about making sure your children are emotionally secure and feel safe until they are old enough to understand death.

It will be hard for you to explain death to a child if you don't know where Sam is. You don't have to be religious to believe in God or Heaven. Before you try to explain something like death to a child you may want to understand where your beliefs lie and what you want your children to believe. I wouldn't try to explain anything regarding death to children until they have had the opportunity to know God.

shes only two at this time she will accept that he's not here any more if she asks where he went he went to heaven ( I see ur commment if you aren't going to raise them with heaven in a church that's fine, just say he's gone)... I won't worry about, and at this point she too young, later 7 or 8 you can tell them he died in a car accident but 2years won't care about that nor will they understand it

I posted the below comment. Just telling her that he stopped working like a tire or a toy might seem like it's not sympathetic enough. But it'll be enough for her at this point. When she gets older she might understand better what happened. Like the other poster said, when she's older she'll understand that he died in the accident. When she's older if she has heard of heaven from other places and asks if he's there, then that's another story.

You have to imagine what you would want to hear if you were your daughter. We just went through this last year with our 4 year old son. Imagine it happens like this, "Mommy, if that's Uncle Sam, then why do we never see him?" You can tell her that he was gone before she was born. Instead of using religion, simply tell her the truth. Kids understand some amazing things. With our son we had some visuals and things to help. This may sound like an episode of MacGyver but it worked for our son. We had a tire pump and his bike. We drained one of the tires a bit. Start by having her run around fast. Then have her feel her heart beating. Then explain to her, "Do you feel that? That's your heart. Your heart keeps you alive. When it pumps it's keeping you alive, you might not always feel it, but it's always pumping." Then show her that a tire needs to be pumped up to work. "See your bike can't move if the tired isn't pumped. When Uncle Sam got hurt his heart couldn't pump anymore.

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