A pause in thought

With great effort, I pulled myself away from the fridge's tantalising glow and promise of rancid goods, and realised I would have to either starve myself for the morning or venture out into the town for goods. Grey clouds were beginning to sneak their way past my window, so, given my lack of a car, I felt a light fast could do no harm. The roof had devolved a voracious appetite for collecting all of the rain that fell upon it, and so whenever a cloud teased above, I was forced to trudge through the deluge of water to see if I could try to keep at east some of the rain out - rarely to much avail, but it always feels better to do something futile than do nothing at all, a certain sense of achievement can be given to oneself in the brief period before it all goes wrongThe door to the attic was curiously splintered, no doubt swollen from this month's incessant rain, but an annoyance nonetheless, as no matter how many years you have in you, a splinter to a gnarled hand is a splinter. I carefully pried the door back with my jacket sleeve, spreading wood pulp lovingly across it, and splashed into the foreboding attic.

It was astoundigly dark in there, despite the perforated roof, leaves and dirt had clogged around the holes, creating a humid, heavy atmosphere and blotting out the sun, rapidly becoming a grey ball of light behind a malicious cloud, determined on destroying what little remained of the roof. Pushing past the mangled wooden beams, eaten by weather and age, I found my way to furthest, and darkest, portion of the roof. Examining the cluttered tiles and boards strewing on the floor, I sighed and bent over to start piling them up, separating broken from fractured and ruined. As I placed the last broken one one the pile, a heavy weight hit my head and I fell through my mind into a black sleep

********Again, please comment, input is appreciated!Part 3 may come sometime next week, but this isn't meant to be daily instalments

Comments

Watch the typos! There aren't a great many and they aren't hugely jarring, but you should try to double- and triple-check your work before posting. Also, semicolons, dear—SEMICOLONS! They are your friend. Some people leave them out for fear of using them incorrectly (which is just fine), however you really should avoid using commas in place of them. It took a while for me to figure out where semicolons are supposed to go but once I read up on it, I was converted for life.

For example...

'It was astoundingly dark in there; despite the perforated roof, leaves and dirt had clogged around the holes, creating a humid, heavy atmosphere and blotting out the sun—[which was] rapidly becoming a grey ball of light behind a malicious cloud—determined on destroying what little remained of the roof.'

Wikipedia actually has a lot of useful information to impart on the subject: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semicolon

Wow. I talk a lot, don't I? You did ask for my critical evaluation, though, and I'm telling you all of this as a good editor/friend. You've got talent; you just need to brush up a little on the technical aspects of writing.