Thursday, January 13, 2011

My dearest friends! Fret not, the Duke of DVD is back, once more following close behind the pox-ridden arse that is the slow, plodding, diseased horse of MAD cinema, holding a burlap sack in which to catch any cinematic nuggets of offal that might fall. I save only the choicest lumps for you, my dearest readers! Your letters, emails, and runed scrawlings etched upon stretched cat stomach have not gone unread. “When is the Duke coming back to further educate us upon the innermost workings of the sewers of cinema?” you asked. “What is this new crop of downy hair I appear to be growing upon mine nethers?!” you entreated. Well, here I am, to bring you the good word and deliver what you most want: truly MAD movies.

Today I bring you a movie so flamingly foul that even I could barely stomach it. “Does that mean it’s a bad movie, unworthy of my precious time?” you honk, Krispy Kreme flakes shedding from your blue-red lips like so many snowflakes. Heavens no, sir or madam! This movie is supremely entertaining, and though it may be filled to the brim with more cock-shots than the Vicar’s first movie (brazenly titled The Vicar Reveals His Cock During Mass), it is still a modern MAD movie masterpiece.

Let us begin, shall we?THE TAINT, referring to a spreading disease rather than the place between your foul pucker and your shriveled genitals, opens with a black and white shot of a woman’s breasts, which cuts to an interior shot of what I'm assuming is supposed to be a vagina. We peer outwards as the lips part. Then we see a man wearing red long-johns running through the woods with a scythe. A youth with yellow hair wakes up next to a girl. He had been dreaming the images we saw--all except for the man in the red long-johns, who appears near where the boy and girl sit (somewhere out in the woods it seems). The scythe-wielder chases the boy off whilst farting and shitting through his brown-stained long-john's back-flap. The boy trips, and falls next to a severed head. He gets up and runs from the man, and starts lighting a cigarette as he runs.

"Note to self: Avoid Old Man Miller's farm... and daughter."

This, friends, is the opening of THE TAINT, and it only gets more and more weird as time goes on. The dude with the David Bowie hair, named Phil O’Ginny (played brilliantly by movie co-creator Drew Bolduc ), wanders the woods until he meets up with a shotgun-wielding chick named Misandra (Colleen Walsh), who explains to him, via flashback with her former husband, what’s going on. Apparently, some toxin is making male humans go crazy, turning them into sperm-squirting, rapey, skull-crushing zombie lunatics! Or else your typical junior high school football players--something like that. The point is, nearly every zombie (I’m using this term loosely, folks) in the movie has his cock hanging out of his pants. A prosthetic cock to be sure, but still hilarious. These dicks shoot gallons of sperm at the drop of a hat, all the while the person in question is murdering a helpless female.

James Hetfield prepares for the latest Metallica tour.

Phil, who incidentally has two pairs of giant sunglasses that he changes depending on how he’s feeling at the time, walks around with the shotgun chick, occasionally killing a crazed rapey dude, until they finally run into a group of non-crazy rapey dudes. Their leader, a former coach at Phil’s school, is shown in a lengthy flashback to be ragingly gay, only he denies it, to himself and others. I had a good lengthy chuckle out of his character; the guy who plays him does so really well. But back to the dick waving. It seems a group of scientists has developed a self-described “penis enhancer”. We get a lot of hilarious scenes with the scientists, and we’re shown their television commercial, which is a black and white riff on old Nazi war propaganda. Brilliant stuff!

"Welcome to Le Spa du Vicar! Here's your free facial!"

It seems the penis enhancer is the cause of this rapey-zombie outbreak. It was far too potent and turned men into rampaging zombies with unrelenting erections. Really. That's it.

Folks, there’s little to no point in discussing the “plot” here, because there really isn’t one, other than jizz-squirting psychopaths rampaging across the country while Phil changes sunglasses. Throw in a coat-hanger abortion, a dude tearing his own dick off, someone ripping the guts out of another person while they still live, a lengthy workout video done by the gay school athletic coach, and more exploding cocks than you can comprehend, and you have THE TAINT. The movie ends with Phil, draped in an American flag, walking blood-covered down a city street filled with men whipping women or assaulting them bodily, all while giant penii droop from their open pants. A nightmare, or a land of dreams (if you are the Vicar, that is).

I've really nothing to add.

I absolutely salute the men and women who made this movie! A low budget labor of love, lust, and the lowest of the lowbrow, it offends everyone equally. I was shocked, surprised, and absolutely moist with entertainment. We need more movies like THE TAINT in the world, says I.