Synopsis

In Dad is Fat, stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan, who’s best known for his legendary riffs on Hot Pockets, bacon, manatees, and McDonald's, expresses all the joys and horrors of life with five young children—everything from cousins ("celebrities for little kids") to toddlers’ communication skills (“they always sound like they have traveled by horseback for hours to deliver important news”), to the eating habits of four year olds (“there is no difference between a four year old eating a taco and throwing a taco on the floor”). Reminiscent of Bill Cosby’s Fatherhood, Dad is Fat is sharply observed, explosively funny, and a cry for help from a man who has realized he and his wife are outnumbered in their own home.

Excerpt

Letter to My Children

Dear Children,

I am your dad. The father of all five of you pale creatures. Given how attractive and fertile your mother is, there may be more of you by the time you read this book. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you’d be interested in anything I’ve done. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I’m kidding, of course. Kind of. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I’m dead.

All right, you didn’t kill me. Your mother did. She kept getting pregnant! I don’t know how. Don’t think about it. It will give you the willies. At one point, I was afraid she got pregnant while she was pregnant. She was so fertile I didn’t even let her hold avocados. Anyway, this is a book all about what I observed being your dad when you were very young and I had some hair back in good old 2013.

So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. By the way, I’m sorry I yelled so much and did that loud clapping thing with my hands. I hated when my dad would do the loud clapping thing with his hands, so every time I do the loud clapping thing, it pains me in many ways. Most of the pain is because that loud clapping thing actually hurts my hands.

You may be wondering how I wrote this book. From a very early age, you all instinctively knew I wasn’t that bright of a guy. Probably from all the times you had to correct me when I couldn’t read all the words in The Cat in the Hat. Hell, I find writing e‑mails a chore. (Thank you, spell-check!) I wrote this book with the help of many people, but mostly your mother. Your mother is not only the only woman I’ve ever loved, but also the funniest person I know. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Table of Contents

ContentsForewordLetter to My ChildrenWho’s Who in the CastRue the Day“Drinking the Kool-Aid”Family-FriendlyHave Children: The Condition Anti-FamilyI ConfessHappy Days Are Here AgainThe Pharaoh and the Slave Vice PresidentMy Dad, the Professional WrestlerThe Narcissist’s Guide to Babies and Toddlers When Women Get LazyOh My God, You’re Pregnant? Witchcraft NewbornlandDogfightCircumcisionThe InvasionEat the Coleslaw!Toddlerhood The Evil WithinSecrets and LiesA Critical Analysis of Children’s LiteratureNo Further QuestionsBring in da NoiseThe People Who Live Under the FloorMonstersNothing in CommonHotel New York CityVamanosIs It Too Soon to Start Dating Again?I’ll Be Your Tour GuidePale ForceLearnin’ ThemA Self-PortraitYour Special DayLosing My ReligionNo Such Thing as a Free BabysitterHow to Put Five Kids to Bed in a Two-Bedroom ApartmentNegotiating with TerroristsMy Former BedMorning Has Been BrokenNaps Are Payday Loans Get Married, Have Kids, Get Fat Hand-in-Mouth Disease We Need BreadYou Win, McDonald’sHow Sweet It Is’Tis the SeasonMy Other FamilyAre You Done Yet?Six Kids, Catholic The Great White BabyThe MousetrapPicture ThisSnow JobOn the Road AgainEskimo Pies You’re Going to Miss ThisAcknowledgments