Observing humans. That's why I'm here. I'm like Jane Goodall except all of the apes are wearing clothes. And I'm a boy.

What's with all you "something-inabox" people? I doubt any of you have spent any serious time in boxes. I have.

Question for the ladies; why do you think posting 15 separate low-light high-angle close-up selfies from the same side is somehow preferable to just one? What are you hoping to reveal? How many times are people looking at you from two feet away and above and slightly to the right. Frankly, they're all pretty bad so you might as well change it up a bit.

I especially enjoy it when you think you've locked down your "sexy face" and in each of your photos I see the same dippy, wide-eyed half-mouth-smile with semi-duck-lips. You look ridiculous. I don't know who made you think trying to look like a younger, stupider Joan Rivers was a good thing, but you oughta slap them. It would be better if you made no expression at all. Really.

Nearly all of you ladies claim to be "easy-going and laid-back" so why is the world so full of anxious and uptight women?

The first things people usually notice about me

I'm just so goddamned fucking cute!

Some people notice my particular taste in whiskey.

I'd post a photo of my abs but I don't feel like shaving.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Media is trite and boring.

I have a little plastic soufflé cup filled with parsley. I love that thing. It's been hiding from me in the closet.

The six things I could never do without

I'm pretty Zen so I can or can't do with or without any number of things.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

How best to assassin down the avenue.

On a typical Friday night I am

Cats don't have Fridays or an other days for that matter.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I have no balls.

You should message me if

I'm like the Magic 8-Ball of cats! Ask me any question.

When it comes to relationships I'm really into things like romance, commitment, loyalty, trustworthiness and honest, open communication. Unfortunately, I'm heterosexual so I don't have much hope in finding a reciprocating partner.

You all complain about people messaging you with just 'Hi'. I'm just a kitty in a scotch can, but in the real world don't most conversations start with 'hi' and not some long random monologue? Don't get me wrong, I can monologue better than anybody, but I try to get the pleasantries out of the way first.