MECHANICAL GIRL

The reviews are in for Madonna's London stage debut  and they're not so great. The pop superstar plays a voracious art dealer in Up for Grabs, which had its official opening Thursday. "Madonna's acting, though it strengthens as the evening progresses, is a bit like her neat little trench coat: pale, wan and lacking in color," said The Times. "Mechanical Girl distorts the message of soft-centered satire," said The Independent. The Guardian concluded: "Madonna is not positively bad, just technically awkward." To be fair, the audience gave Madge a standing ovation  and at least one "critic" raved about her performance. "She was wonderful," said her good pal Sting.