Dear Emuna: Breaking the Abusive Pattern

Am I destined to become an abusive mother because I was abused?

Statistics show that abused children usually tend to become abusers. This is a very worrying thought for me. I am single right now but I have suffered enough being abused and I just want to be healthy and normal. Even more so, I want to be the most wonderful caring loving mother I can be. I think that my kids will deserve to have the best mother that they can have and this thought is a constant worry for me... I am scared to get married and ruin my children’s lives. How do I not let me past experiences shape me? How do I make sure that I will be the best mother that I can be?

-- Worried Future Parent

Dear WFP,

I think you have already made big strides towards ensuring that you will not be an abusive parent. Firstly, you are aware of the problem and the risk. You are likely to be constantly on the alert for any signs of even slightly inappropriate behavior. You are going to be watchful and careful.

Secondly, you desperately want to be a good parent. You will likely work hard at that endeavor and parent very thoughtfully. Hard work and determination are the fundamental building blocks of any personal growth and certainly crucial to parenting.

Thirdly, you phrased your concern in terms of your children’s needs (“they deserve the best mother”) instead of your own. This selfless attitude and outward focus will definitely inhibit your ability or “desire” to be abusive. Additionally, you won’t be alone. You will have your husband to support and guide you and refocus you if you start to make a mistake, to catch you before you fall.

The Sages say that the Almighty leads us in the direction we want to go. We have to make the effort and you sound like you’re prepared to do just that. I would highly recommend seeing a professional to work through some of your issues and to get more specific guidance and tools. I would highly recommend working on patience and working on letting go. But you clearly want to grow, you clearly want to change. Whatever the situation, we all need help parenting. We all need to be conscious parents; we all need to watch what we say and how we act. We are all overwhelmed and we all need the Almighty’s help. It’s possible you need an extra dose – just ask for it!

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I give my 15 year-old daughter a ride to school every day. She is so busy that I thought this would be quality bonding time for us. But when I try to engage her in conversation, she is either too preoccupied texting her friends (the ones she’s going to see in 10 minute when I drop her off!) or she responds with the current version of “whatever.” I am so frustrated. I’ve set aside this time especially for the two of us and it all seems for naught. What should I do?

-- Mom Who’s Trying to Bond

Dear MWTB,

Well, I can tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t take your frustration out on your daughter. She didn’t plan this time together; you did. All she expected was a ride to school!!

Whatever the age of your children, I don’t think you can really plan quality time. It has to happen more spontaneously, on their schedule, not yours. You just have to be available when the mood hits them – whatever the time and place.

That said, while you can’t force quality time or even conversation, you can (and should) teach proper behavior – decency, respect and appreciation.

I think it’s perfectly appropriate to suggest that when you are doing a kindness for your children, it is common courtesy for them to express their appreciation and to respond politely to your conversational gambits. Whether they find what you have to say interesting or not!

It is part of our job as parents to explain to them how to behave, particularly when someone else is going out of their way for them. We are actually not fulfilling our parental responsibilities if we indulge their bad character.

Don’t feel it’s all for naught. You are still creating a relationship. You are still bonding. You are still creating memories. You are still providing stability and security in their tumultuous teenage lives. You don’t know what the future impact will be or how they will look back on this time, but I am guessing it will actually be with fondness and humor.

So tough it out now, keep your spirits up, keep laughing. And perhaps along the way your daughter will learn another important lesson – that her rude, dismissive behavior is actually not in her self-interest. If she would behave just a little nicer to you, you might even consider letting her get her learner’s permit…

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

You’re going to think this is a very trivial issue but it’s actually become a major source of tension in our otherwise healthy marriage. I am a late night nosher. My favorite thing to eat in bed is really crispy and crunchy potato chips. Believe it or not, this has turned into a struggle with my husband. He says that I am “noisy, rude and inconsiderate”. I counter that my days are busy and that eating chips is part of my down time and relaxation before bed. I try to keep the crumbs to a minimum and stop eating when he’s ready to sleep but he’s still annoyed. It’s become an unpleasant way to end the day. What should I do?

-- I Can’t Eat Just One

Dear Nosher,

Since I am a big potato chip fan myself, I am empathic to your situation. And while I would be happy to spend time with you discussing the merits and drawbacks of the different brands, I’m afraid that I have to side with your husband. I’m sure he’s tired at the end of the day also. He crawls into bed looking for his down time which probably includes peace and quiet. Loud crunching is jarring and disturbs his sense of calm. And I wouldn’t be surprised if some of those crumbs migrate across the room. If you must eat chips before bed (Although, as I said, I empathize, I do recognize that it’s a bad habit), do it in another room, out of earshot of your spouse – or develop a fondness for quiet food like puddings. You mention that you have an “otherwise healthy marriage.” It seems foolish to allow this to interfere. Count your blessings – and shut your mouth.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 18

(13)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2012 3:42 PM

To nosher

I can't believe that you would allow something like that to affect what is an otherwise good marriage. Are you really that selfish?
If you absolutely have to indulge in this, do it on the couch alone. How would you like it if he started smoking in bed before going to sleep? You would probably be grossed out. Well he's grossed out by you. Show a little consideration.
Even better quit this unhealthy habit, and brush your teeth before going to bed.

(12)
mi,
January 27, 2012 5:59 PM

people can be very sensitive to eating sounds

to Nosher:
Please note that there people who are really sensitive to certain sounds, usually the sound of chewing and food crunches are among them. This is called 4S -- selective sound sensitivity syndrome; the person with it often cannot really control it, it is akin to phobia as far as I understand. So do not think that this is a small issue which can be resolved by talking over. If this is the case with your spouse you probably have to stop eating chips when close to him if you would like to save this marriage. On a general note, sometimes I am amazed how important 'little things' can be... and how beneficial in life can be the ability to alter your own behavior to fit with people around you.

(11)
Patti Cockfield,
January 17, 2012 3:57 PM

False assumption

It is true that most abusers were abused as children themselves but the reverse is not true. This is a common false assumption. Worried future parent's concern shows her true desire and she will work towards being a good parent. Therapy is not the only way to achieve this. Sometimes the best way is to observe friends who are good parents, and learn from them. As a therapist myself, and former child protective services worker, i know that those who are concerned about their parenting can grow to become good parents, even if they started on the wrong track. It is those who say "I'm not going to change. Look at me, I'm fine and my parents treated me like this." who are not likely to become successful supportive parents. They are the ones most in need of therapy. By a therapist who can care about them, and give them a safe place to explore the feelings and trauma they hide.

a person,
January 23, 2012 10:34 PM

I think WFP is AWESOME!!!
sorry you had to go through that horrible experience and years as a child, but your worry will be the first step to stop the chain.
also, the statistics are the opposite. while most abusers were abused themselves, that does NOT mean and should NOT be translated that most people abused become abusers. it's not true.
you're good, and you'll be an AWESOME mother. you'll make sure of it:)

(10)
levi,
January 16, 2012 10:09 PM

therapy!

im very disappointed that Emuna didn't tell the "Future Worried Parent" the most important piece of advice; THERAPY!

Anonymous,
January 17, 2012 3:44 PM

She does!

"I would highly recommend you seeing a professional to work through some of these issues..."

(9)
Anonymous,
January 16, 2012 6:22 PM

abusive childhood

I also had an abusive childhood. However, I worked on myself and went to therapy and thank God I am not abusive.

(8)
Hannah,
January 16, 2012 6:04 AM

to WFP

You don't need to be worried. You CAN do it. I know because I did. You are already aware of the problem, and can now work on the solution. I have full faith in you.

annonymous,
January 16, 2012 8:56 AM

Important Notice!

I hear what everyone is saying, however, I am a therapist, and from a therapists perspective and seeing abused children become adults, it is MANDATORY that one who was abused go to therapy and address the pain, sadness and anger before and/or while raising children. Of course, if you are aware, you will probably not repeat the same mistakes, however, probably is NOT good enough when it comes to your pure beautiful souls that you are bringing into the world. Please do yourself and your children a favor and invest in a high quality therapist who can help you heal in a real way, enabling you to be the most incredible, awesome parent that you are capable of being! Then you will not have to walk around with this fear, as you will have one safe space to address it and work it through. Best wishes and may Hshem bless you with much bracha and hatzlacha and mazel in raising a beautiful Torah home with love, peace and tranquility!

anon,
January 16, 2012 6:16 PM

to important notice!

oh shut up!!!!! #1 thats not true at all. i know several people who went through hell and back and turned out into some of the most amazing parents ever - WITHOUT ever talking to a therapist! #2, therapists dont actually care. they simply do it for money. aka they are frauds! stop doing free advertisements

(7)
anonymous,
January 16, 2012 2:13 AM

not necessarily

I have recieved therapy due to an abusive childhood. I rememebr my therapist saying that being abused in childhood does not guarantee that one will become an abusive paretn, especially if one is concerned about it and taking steps to prevent this.
there were things I did have to work on such as anger. When I would become frustrated I would react with anger. My friends that I have whom have also come from abusive homes have always worried about being abusive yet have shown exemplary skills due to their desire to give their own children what they did not have: a stable childhood.

(6)
Yonit,
January 15, 2012 11:06 PM

Worried Future Mom: You can overcome an abusive childhood

My father's father was an abusive parent and spouse. My father (B"H) overcame that background to become a wonderful father. I only found out about his childhood home from one of his sisters. Finding out about what my grandfather was like only raised my respect (which was already high) for my father.
Never be afraid to ask for help if you feel the need. May you be blessed to find your bashert and the two of you to raise a loving family.

(5)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2012 10:16 PM

Abuse

As somebody who was extremely abused, that I am lucky to be still alive, I would never be able to abuse a child, as I know how much it hurt emotionally, and physically.

(4)
Michy,
January 15, 2012 9:59 PM

You don't have to continue the abuse

You don’t have to follow your parents’ patterns. You are aware of the problem and can behave differently. I now have a toddler and while I lose patience a lot, I excuse myself and go into the other room. I seek advice from other parents on online forums. I take a bath, I call a friend, I put a DVD for her and go calm down in the other room. Those are the steps my parents never took. My husband and I are determined to be better parents and not take out our stresses on our children.

Anonymous,
January 16, 2012 6:18 PM

seriously?!

you should get help! your toddler is not at fault! your toddler is a baby!!!

(3)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2012 9:59 PM

To Dasha18 I say yasher koach!! If I knew how to do a cartwheel I would do one right now. You sound very smart and sensitive.
To Worried Future Mom I applaud you. You too are very smart and sensitive.
I am the parent of a young adult with high functioning autism, and I parenting is the hardest job I have ever done. The fact that both of you are so astute can only bode well for the children.

(2)
yehudit,
January 15, 2012 6:33 PM

emuna I admire your restraint!

To the nosher, you are simply cultivating the wrong appetite in the bedroom and your husband is not so much annoyed with the crumbs as feeling really crumby about himself.....
How would YOU feel if your husband preferred a cheap Twinkie to you?!!!

(1)
Dasha18,
January 15, 2012 1:31 AM

I suggest to Worried Future Mom that the worry is justified. The remedy is personal therapy now, parenting classes at the right time, one book that is your go to book for disciplining with dignity and most importantly a professional coach available by phone who you can call quickly and say, "I almost did X, how can I prevent X from occuring? Many times my hand was within one dollar bill's width of hitting my unruly child; but I didn't. My mom's negative dialogue coursed through my head but all I said was, "All done", or I left the room for a few seconds then calmly presented the teaching moment. With Hashem's help, I am breaking a multigenerational cycle and my child is thriving. I give you a Bracha that you are next in line.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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