Month: November 2017

I am grateful that i got to the dr yesterday. ‘Cause had a bad attack night before and again yesterday – meds and can breathe again. Phew!

I am grateful for my breath!

I am looking at a “deadliest animals in the world” thing and am so grateful I live where I live!

I am grateful for facebook

I am grateful for weight watchers

and healthy foods

will have lots of veggies and fruits and proteins today

M (friend

M (mother’s aide)

— rushing out for now but fine more later. Okay. Did lots in my mind in the car. And there are more since. Meds seem to be working. after a few hours of work I felt worse again, but overall sill better day.

Nurse told me I must come straight home. That felt very bad because really wanted to see my mother, especially since she’s lonely. But nurse is right and I’m grateful that she told me the truth

and that I did what she said. It really Was needed.

I walked in and saw pointsettia!

Jo had left it to surprise me! That felt SO good!

And sort of – energized me a little –

I then took a nice – hot – bubble bath

hair looks good

put on nice nightgown and robe. no company but i feel better this way today after several nights of comfy jammies (which are fine too but this is different)

did dishes

made up bed

overate but not hating on myself about it

gentle with self

self-care

enjoying work

more energy

this time of year it changes for me – the 2nd graders change – every year – the growth is evident now and it becomes easier to work with them and enjoy

I enjoy the foods that are best for my body. I love every cell of my body.

Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.

It is the wrong coffee – he got whole bean, not ground. But he remembered I wanted it, and that was sweet of him to do.

And – he made me the BEST tea that really helped with how I feel

And went and got my tire done. Omg wow. Huge.

And then borrowed my car for daughter visit. I’m glad I could help in that way.

Then – he made me the lemon tincture to wear overnight, ’cause I’d done it wrong.

I’m grateful for weekly points cause i used them tonight (weight watchers)

I’m grateful for my generous off. And I have 2 – 3 people so far coming. We should have fun.

I’m nervous about it, but stretching my comfort zone is good for me!

I’m so grateful that my mother got the pills in both times with me coaxing her on the phone today.

I am truly grateful that I didn’t choke to death. No really. I was turning purple and couldn’t catch my breath. My ARMS even hurt after – a lot – it was the worst cough/choke attack I’ve ever had. So grateful it’s over

I’m grateful I didn’t go to shiva. I can’t help but wonder if my body helped me by getting sick. Because from what I heard about it, I couldn’t have taken this one. I’m not exaggerating.

I am okay but a little scared. Day 3 with fear and shaking and with stuttering and tears at the surface ready to bubble out and sometimes actually bubbling out.
So self-care today. As much as possible.
Veggies, soup, water water water, shower, maybe ALSO bath, robe, sit.
Tv, crochet or not, read or not, nap or not, report cards or not.
It is that important.
Not going to shiva. Can’t take.

And although I have no right to EXPECT anything of anyone, no desire even to,
I AM terribly disappointed in D. Not allowing me to speak of it. As if I must be cheerful all the time, like I have a roll to play for her.
But this – what’s going on – is MUCH more important than even that.

I CANNOT and will not pretend to be something I’m not, in order to keep someone in my life.
I have been having the mutilation fantasies. And if a “loved friend” can’t be there for me enough for me to even get to say what I’m going through, then so be it.

THIS – I have to be okay. I have to get there again.

I will.

Amen.
—
So much going on. I mean, mother omg much. And this cough and phlegm – still omg. And now THIS big stuff. I can’t do the bullshit on top of it.

I’ll try to explain it here now.
Great visit with mother Thanksgiving. On way though, flat tire caused me much stress.
Mother was great for the almost 3 hours though and for that I was and am very grateful.

Here’s a LITTLE aide background. This is an aide who lies, doesn’t do her whole job at all, and is not good enough to my mother. She is the MOST defensive person I’ve ever known. We are in the process of replacing her (she doesn’t know that). I don’t like or trust her. My mother doesn’t like or trust her. The other aide doesn’t like or trust her. The person in charge at the agency doesn’t even trust her! So without going into all the things she’s done to have us feeling that way, here’s what happened the day before Thanksgiving:
Phone call from agency. “We weren’t able to get someone for Thanksgiving Day so B has to stay. Unfortunately, she says she’ll now be out of food, and will have to run out tomorrow to pick some up. Making sure that’s okay with you.”
Me: Oh – not to worry. It’s only Wednesday; everything is open; the supermarket near them delivers as I’ve told her many times; many restaurants around them also deliver; and I’m bringing dinner tomorrow and will bring anything she chooses. So she won’t run out of food.
Agency Rep: Well she’ll need 2 hours on Thursday to go get food.
Me: Two hours? The supermarket is 1/4 mile from the apartment.
Agency Rep: (pause). Um. Well. I think where she wants to go get it from is her house with her family.
Me: Oh. So it’s not that she’s quote “unfortunately will be out of food” it’s that she wants a Thanksgiving break. Which, by the way, I’ve done for several other aides – anyone who’s asked honestly – I’ve always said, “Go. Enjoy family. Come back in (number of) hours. But I don’t trust B. I’m not sure she’d even come back!
Her: She will.
Me: What if she doesn’t. You’re saying you have no one else, and I can’t stay.
Her: She will.
Me: She will NEVER make it in 2 hours. (impossible on Thanksgiving from my mother’s home to hers and back let alone visit and eat)
Her: She will.
Me: She won’t.
Her: She will.
Me: And if she doesn’t? Then what.
Her: She will.
Me: And if she gets hit by a bus?
Her: I won’t think that way.
Me: I can’t stay. I don’t trust her. You may not know but they are working on replacing her right now for us. She is not trustworthy. I’m sorry but although I’ve never said it before I must say no.
Her: Oh. Um. Okay. I’ll tell her no.
Me: Don’t say about trust. She’ll take it out on my mother.

Later that afternoon called and she answered. I was crying because –
a much-loved former student’s older brother died suddenly – lovely family who lost dad tragically last year after a long horrible rare illness – and it appeared to be suicide. I’d just heard. I told B that I wasn’t even sure how long I could stay on Thanksgiving, told her why I was crying, and –
the cold bitch didn’t. say. a word. Not even, “Wow that’s terrible.” So I asked for my mother (as always) and spoke with her…
First I assured B that I would bring whatever she wanted on T’giving. My PLAN was although my mother and I wanted Italian, I would stop at other place to get B a full Thanksgiving dinner if it’s what she wanted.

Thanksgiving morning:
I called and said to B, “go online to… and pick anything you’d like from menu.” She said, “I have enough food.” So I replied, “Oh. They told me you might run out of food. And I’m happy to bring Thanksgiving dinner for you.” She started answering, “What I wanted was to go to my fam-” I cut her off and talked right over her. She had no sympathy for the dead young man, I don’t give a shit so I said right over her, “Is my mother awake? May I speak with her?”
So I got there and did the dinner thing while ms priss sat on couch doing nothing as always.
Then we sat by tv to watch cooking, which my mother loves.
Bitch got up went into bathroom, came out with thing on her head. Said to my mother who was sitting 6 inches from me, as if I didn’t exist. “I’m going out for air, L. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Didn’t ask weather – it was very warm out – proceeded to put on her socks and boots and head toward door. I was a little concerned but I thought, “Well, she lives with her phone so she’ll definitely have that. I can call if HAVE TO.” She didn’t even ask my mother, as they all do and should, “Do you need anything before I go out?” *I* asked in front of her, “Mom. Do you need anything? Bathroom or anything, before B goes out?” “No thank you.” Out she went.
Almost FORTY MINUTES LATER I texted. It was not delivered!
5 minutes after that I called. It went straight to voicemail. I left message, B. I have to leave soon and was wondering when you’d be back.”
Some more minutes and – here it is –

I actually called agency. I said aide has “gone out for air for a few minutes” over 40 minutes ago and text not delivered and is not picking up phone. Did she leave? Is she coming back? Did she try to sneak home? I don’t trust her.” They said, “omg we will get right back to you.

5 – 6 minutes later, she walked in.
I don’t know if they called and she saw it was them or even picked up, or if it was a coincidence. But she walked in and I said simply, “Oh there you are” with a smile and “I have to leave in a few minutes so I’m glad you’re back.”
Thing is, I did not HAVE TO leave. I was leaving so she wouldn’t go back out.

***Because here’s what happened IN ME.
I panicked. Inside. Acted calm for mother but inside was in a horrible state. The “what if she doesn’t come back” state. AND the “what if she doesn’t come back for hours and I don’t know during that time IF she’s coming back” state.
The TRUTH is my mother’s apartment is clean (both aides do take care of that). It is tiny – technically a studio – but there is food and it has heat and I could sleep on couch (wouldn’t want to sleep on bed aide uses) and live through the night. It would mean get dinner and dinner pills into mother, wash and change her, do her bathroom stuff, and get up at 10:30 and give her pill. But I had my iPhone and iPad mini and charger and could have lived. (and tv on soft if needed and it didn’t disturb her). Even have earplugs and could have watched something on iPad and have books on there too.
But this was about the EMOTIONAL. Growing up as I did, the very thought of staying there overnight filled me with dread. No really. Like, my stomach felt like it fell out. Like I’d been shot or something. I as in an internal panic.
And THAT made me think, “Omg I DON’T have any serenity! I’ve been fooling myself! Look at how quickly I “fell apart…”

Well, I did leave about 10 – 15 minutes later. Not too bad as was there about 3 hours, but would have stayed an hour more:( – – Anyway, on way home (I’m only about 1 mile and a half away),Dl called from agency. She is sane and nice, not like the others including the one who had called about the time off. Said, “I got a message. Tell me what’s going on.” And I said, “Oh, I”m so sorry. I’m ashamed to tell you. And I told her quickly what had happened and that I was ashamed at my response.”
But

SHE said like no no don’t be silly. we know. we are working on replacing her immediately! is everything ok. she’s there now and your mom’s okay?
And THAT made me think, well ok I would of COURSE like to have a better response from now on, but it wasn’t ENTIRELY unreasonable, as even they know you never know with that one…
—

Okay. Then the other issue.
The suicide.
Yes. It turns out that young man, the brother of my former student, nicest family, father just last year died after horrible rare illness, killed himself. Heartbroken. For him. For the living brother (whom I taught) and sister (whom I know) and omg the mom.
So we friends from school were planning to go tomorrow. But – things happened to me yesterday. I had bad things. Bad thoughts. Things I haven’t had in years. I was scared. Like mutilation and worse scared.
I told M (friend) might not be able to go. She was 100% supportive of that. But I was shaking and still kind of am.
It is terrifying. Horrifying for them, and terrifying for me.

Last
D called when I was shaking (still am kind of) and I asked could I tell her like was it a good time – and she gave 2 answers the first being just move on from it (not even knowing what was going on) and the second being “ok IF it ends happily”
I cried and hung up on her
later sent explanation text about why i hung up but put a bad line in (hope your compassion someday gets to be 1/10 as big as your ego).
I felt scared and horrified on behalf of the boy, still nervous about the aide situation and all it entails FOR my mother and ABOUT me, and rejected by D. And alone.
But I thought, “Ok then. You’re very disappointed in people usually, and you have no family except your mother. You’ll have to accept this. And stop expecting so much from others and work on yourSELF.”
By this morning I’d texted D apology and I can say we’ve made up – but there might still be residual feelings on both sides.
I am still shaky – and driving on that temporary tire til Monday makes me nervous too… need to unwind.

But see the levels about me and the changes I need to make. And just had veggies, which I think I didn’t for a day or TWO omg and not hating myself for it.
If want family, must do the work to GET one. Like, all the people I envy with kids, well they put in a lot of time and energy to raising those kids! – – it doesn’t just happen, any of it.