One mom's journey through life, love, and loss.

October 21, 2018

I’m about to quote The Walking Dead – bear with me for a minute. “I decided who I was going to be, did you?” “I decided, but life decided some things too.” Man, oh man, this resonated with Mama so much tonight. In this life we have so many choices, paths, decisions who lead us to who we are going to be and who we are is constantly evolving. Things change and add to our true selves everyday. Lots of these choices are our own, but sometimes life makes decisions for us. Life steals choice from us often. It feels like life has been making many decisions for Mama and Daddy the last while. It feels like my life is completely out of my control. It hurts, it’s hard, it’s messy. Life is ugly sometimes.

There is a flip side to all of that though. Maybe we aren’t able to make all of the decisions on our own for a reason. I know for a fact if life didn’t throw me these curve balls I wouldn’t choose them from myself. Without adversity we wouldn’t know what we can survive. This is ROCK BOTTOM for me. I know that – I do not believe it can get worse than this. Doesn’t mean I am okay with any of this at all, but I know in my heart that if I can survive this hell, I can survive anything else life wants to throw at me. I will survive this, to be sure that your memory and your legacy lives on.

I’ve reached a point in my grief where I feel I can see past these awful days. I have hope for the future. I don’t always feel completely helpless anymore. I am in a place where I understand how precious life is. Everyday we get is so very special. We need to live those days as full as we can. I need to have days where I just sit with the pain and learn the pain inside and out. I need those days to better appreciate the good days. I need to learn from this experience. It’s the most awful way to learn anything ever, but I need to continue to be open to learning so that I can evolve. I need to keep learning so I can become the person I am meant to be, the person you and God are going to make me.

I am so thankful for all 884 days that I got to hold you for. Every single second of every single day that I got to have with you are precious memories that I won’t soon forget. Those days taught me so much about life and love. Those 884 days were truly the best days of my life. I miss you sweet girl. I wish with all of my being that you could still be here, that we could be working on more days and years together. I don’t think I will ever understand or know why you had to go. I know that I don’t get to know, that I’m not meant to know, but you can be damn sure that when I get back to you and God, I’ll have questions! So many questions. I have words for God, you’ll probably talk Mama down, but man do I have things I need to say. So prepare him for that, tell him I have so much to say, all though I know he hears me when I ask all the same questions each night. I want you to know that through this whole thing I have leaned into my faith more than I ever have in my life. I love you, and I love God, even though I’m still really mad at him right now.

I love you so much, Turkey Bird. I love you all the way to heaven and back and I can’t wait until I get to tell you that again. I miss you. Please, please, please be happy up there. Please show Mama the way, sweets. I need that, more than anything.