My new man is jealous of my exes

QUESTION: I’m the sort of person who has
always kept in touch with old boyfriends, and two of them are among my
closest pals.

This didn’t bother my ex-husband over ten years of
marriage, but my new partner finds it very hard to deal with.

He says
it’s disrespectful that I’m so close to these men and questions my
commitment to him. I love my man and the sex is amazing, but I don’t
want to ditch my exes.

It is not wise of your boyfriend to put pressure on you: your relationship has a far better chance of survival if your new man doesn't make you drop valued friends (file picture)

Answer:
I always worry when I learn that someone’s new partner — male or female
— is attempting to make them cut ties with friends of the opposite sex.

It demonstrates emotional insecurity and a troubling desire to control
those you love.

This is especially true in the middle-aged, who should
know by then that friendship is too valuable a commodity to be lightly —
and pointlessly — discarded.

The
thing is, you know from experience that friendships can outlast the
most passionate relationships — even marriages — so you don’t want to go
jettisoning those who have supported you in your darkest hours.

Nor is
it wise of your boyfriend to put pressure on you: your relationship has a
far better chance of survival if your new man doesn’t make you drop
valued friends.

But this
doesn’t have to be an ‘either/or’ situation. If your partner is worth
the love you invest in him, you should be able to talk some sense into
the man.

The substitution of
traditional family support structures with close-knit friendship groups
is a relatively new phenomenon and it’s easy to feel suspicious of
supportive chums — particularly if they happen to be members of the
other sex and you once dated them.

Some
people don’t need big friendship circles and are baffled by it in
others. They move on when a relationship comes to an end.

This type of
person tends to find all their emotional nourishment in their
significant other and can feel slighted when that single-minded need is
not mirrored.

But it would be simplistic to say this is entirely your man’s problem.

You need to look at your own behaviour and appraise whether you’ve been scrupulously tactful, or not.

Almost everyone feels jealous of their other half’s exes when they’re in a new relationship.

Most of us struggle to overcome these largely irrational feelings, but they exist nonetheless.

Look, your partner is in love with you, so it’s only natural that he believes other men are, too.

It’s your job to make him feel top dog and utterly secure in your affections, so that your other ties don’t bother him.

Might not the easiest way of achieving this be to ask your male friends round for dinner with their wives or girlfriends, or with some single females if they’re not in a relationship, so they are firmly established as chums. He will feel far more confident about their role in your life if he establishes an accord with them, too.

If you feel uncomfortable about following my advice, I’d suggest your boundaries with these pals are more blurred than you imagine.

The bottom line here is that no one should be made to cull their friends to suit a lover; however, no ardent lover makes their partner feel second-best.