Instead get: You know what? Radox is great. Buy some Radox. A litre of the Stress Relief Herbal Bath is is only £3.49 in Tesco. If you're feeling fancy, you can always decant it into a jam jar, scrawl a moustache or an owl on the lid and say you got it from the "artisan craft market".

Instead get: A £10 phone top-up card and a packet of Jaffa Cakes (about £1.20). They won't have those fancy, Christmas, metre-long tubes in your corner shop, so buy three normal ones and glue them together. Christmas craft! Kirstie Allsopp will be so pleased.

For the boyfriend

Hermès or … Old Spice?

You meant to buy:Hermès Epice Marine, a sexy, salty mix of smoked wood, spice and sweat. In a very good way. It's perfect except, oops, it costs £375 and you're not Charles Saatchi. Instead get: This is basically posh Old Spice. Get some Old Spice (£4.78). Or a Flake (58p). That has erotic overtones too, doesn't it?

You meant to buy: That Harvey Nichols ad got you thinking. You're tired. You're stressed. You've no time for the spa. Why not treat yourself to Elemental Herbology's Fire & Earth Body Ritual? The Fire oil has basil, sweet orange and rosemary to lift your spirits, and the Earth oil has cedarwood, frankincense and geranium to calm and restore your equilibrium after 24 hours with your family. Now if you could just find a spare £45 … Instead get: Some logs and a potted plant, so you can sit in front of the fire and take care of someone else for a change. Santa will be pleased.

What are you buying in desperation? We hear coal is very cleansing.

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