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(This update post, in a true Valve fashion, was DELAYED. It was originally supposed to be for Valentine’s Day! Keep that in mind, friends!)

Howdy there, my SPUFpowered friends! It is I, LordAIDS Monkey, here to share with you all yet another excitingTF2 update, because I love you all! That’s right! I love each and every one of you! (Except you, Scout!) Anywho, I know that Valentine’s Day has already passed, but I think it’s always a good time to share both love and TF2 Update Ideas! Today I’d like to introduce the MATCHMAKING UPDATE...! Wait, whaddya mean there’s already a Matchmaking Update? Oh well, let’s just forget about that atrocity and pretend it never happened! Allow me to present the backstory for this weird and wacky TF2 Update, The BETTER Matchmaking Update.

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Spoiler

It was a normal day in 2Fort. The RED mercenaries were all out and about, gunning down any baddies who got in their way. But one mercenary in particular wasn’t interested in shooting anybody, not today at least. You see, the Scout had other plans. Today Scout had a hot night with Miss Pauling planned, so instead of gearing up for battle, he was gearing up for… well… something else.

“Huhuhuhu! Tonight’s the night I get laid!” Announced Scout to all his friends.

“Now now, Scout! You know that you’re livin’ a fantasy. Miss Pauling ain’t interested in ya’, and you know it! She don’t like idiots, she likes smart guys! Smart guys like me. And you know, I had better things done come outta my ass than what’s come outta your feeble mind, Scout! So quit fantasizin’ ‘bout the impossible, and get out there and kill yourself, you stupid idiot!” Yelled Engineer!

Engineer spoke up again. “Wait! Scout! Before ya’ go, I got somethin’ to say. Ya’ll may not think you have a chance in us. And you’re right! We all know you’ve got nothin’ to prove, and it’s impossible to disappoint us ‘cause we don’t believe in ya’ anyway. Now get out there. Go and make an idiot of ‘yerself. Remember. We’re all waitin’ for you to fail, here.”

“I’ll show you! I’ll show all of you what a sexy beast I can be!” Cried the Scout, as left for his date.

…

Scout arrived to the restaurant where he expected to meet Miss Pauling. Of course, she wasn’t there. But we all expected that, Scout’s a goddamn loser. “Huhuhu! Don’t count your chicken’s ‘till they hatch, pally! She’ll be here soon enough.” So the Scout waited, and waited, and waited. And Miss Pauling never came. You see, the problem was the idiot never even invited her to dinner. But it’s not like that matters, because she wouldn’t have shown up anyway. Eventually, Scout was kicked out of the restaurant, and so he began walking back to his base, sobbing.

“Huhhuuhhuh! Wahhh! Why won’t anyone give me their love! I am totally lovable! Just look at me!” It was no wonder why Scout had no friends.

But all of a sudden, Scout heard angelic singing from above. “Huh? Who’s there? Huhuh.” Scout looked all around, but could see nothing.

(But you’re probably wondering just who this mysterious woman is... Well, wonder no more! She’s none other than THE MATCHMAKER, of course! The magical fairy of love!

The Matchmaker spoke to the Scout, “Absolutely not! My dear little Scout, I have come here because I saw that you were sad. And I’m here to brighten your day!” The Matchmaker waved her wand, and all of a sudden, another Scout appeared. But it wasn’t just ANY Scout! It was BLU Scout, the sworn enemy of RED Scout!

“Huhuhu! Heya, pally! We gonna fight today?”

“Huhu. I got nothing to better to do. I got stood up today!”

“Huhuh! Me too! Say, we got a lot in common, Scout!”

“Yeah, you’re right!”

“Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!!!”

Both Scouts began to laugh in unison, and The Matchmaker began to laugh along with them. She waved her magic wand at both RED and BLU Scouts, and exclaimed, “MATCH MADE!” All of a sudden, the two Scouts were surrounded in a mysterious light. Both Scouts could feel themselves coming together, as if they were two parts becoming a whole. When the light vanished, there was only one Scout standing there. But he was not RED or BLU Scout! He was PURPLE SCOUT!? Holy smokes! It would seem as if The Matchmaker used her Matchmaking Magic™ to fuse the two Scouts!

Back at 2Fort, the RED mercenaries were hanging out in the spawn, because BLU was spawn-camping them. Soon enough, the spawn door opened up, and in came our hero, the Purple Scout! “Huhuhu! Heya guys!”

“No! Close ze door, dummkopf!” Shouted the Medic, as a crit rocket flew in from outside, gibbing him instantly. It’s a real shame, too, because Medic was about 3% away from a full charge.

“Scout, what the Hell happened to you?” Exclaimed Engineer, referring to Scout’s purple outfit. “You look even more like a faggot than you usually do!”

“Huhuhu! I found true love!”

“Scout, the day you find true is the day that I-I… I don’t even know what! You ain’t ever gonna find it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Engineer continued taunting the Scout, until the spawn door opened once again, and in stepped The Matchmaker.

“Oh, heya Miss!” Said Scout to his new friend.

“HOLY CRAP, SCOUT! YOU KNOW HER?!” Engineer dropped his toolbox in surprise, and his dispenser quickly grew erect. “HOW THE HELL DID SOMEBODY LIKE YOU GET SOMEONE LIKE HER?!”

“Oh, yeah. I know her all right. But she ain’t my date, silly! But she hooked me up real nice! And now she’s here to help all you!”

“That’s right! I’m here to set you all up with perfect matches!” The Matchmaker began to laugh maniacally as she waved her wand again. The BLU mercenaries spawn-camping just outside were sucked into the spawn room, where they were forcefully fused with their RED counterparts! “And... PRESTO! No need to thank me! Seeing all of you so happy is all the thanks I need!”

But the mercenaries, all with big frowns on their faces, were clearly not happy at all with the matches that The Matchmaker had matched! But she was fully aware of this, because she isn’t really the fairy of love, but she’s the fairy of EVIL (also love)! All of a sudden, she poofed away into a cloud of hearts (and evil), all while still laughing! The newly formed Purple Team immediately began to plan revenge against the wicked fairy!

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Here’s the tl;dr version for you people that have better uses for their time: The Scout gets rejected by Miss Pauling and meets a magical fairy who fuses the RED team and BLU team together.

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Yikes! Now that’s a real doozy of a backstory for a real doozy of an update! With the mercenaries all fused together, the only logical plan is to seek the wicked fairy out, and kill her in hopes that her death will reverse the spell! Unbeknownst to to the mercenaries, The Matchmaker is actually PART SUCCUBUS, and is far more evil (and lovely) than they can even begin to understand, for her evil plan is to fuse folks together in order to harvest their souls twice as fast when it comes to intercourse!How mean! Anyway, using Scout’s lust as a dowsing rod, they are able to locate The Matchmaker’s evil home of love, and the new map of this update!

The new map would be called Lovey-Dovey Fun-House, and would be the home of an all new game mode, called ‘Infiltration Mode’. The objective would be to battle your way through The Matchmaker’s lair, fighting off her many minions. The minions are all just bots, and must be defeated in order to advance to the next room. The rooms would start out very lovey-dovey, but get progressively more sinister and challenging as you advance, up until the moment where you reach the final room, where THE EVIL MATCHMAKER AWAITS, IN HER TRUE SUCCUBUS-FAIRY FORM! (Which is undeniably sexy, as long as you’re into succubus girls, you buncha freaks.)

The Matchmaker's Evil Throne Room. Yikes!!

Once you reach The Matchmaker’s throne room, an exciting boss battle begins! And who might this boss battle be? If you need me to answer that question, then you’re officially a dumbass! Don’t be fooled by The Matchmaker’s good looks, because she’s quite NASTY in battle, (and in bed.) Yes, she’d be the most challenging boss in all of TF2 history, because in order to beat her, you’d need to have TEAM COORDINATION! And God knows nobody in this game has that. She’d have a variety of many dangerous attacks. One particularly devastating attack would be drawing you toward her with an alluring force, where she will then suck your soul out. There is no escape, unless a teammate melee hits you out of your trance. She’d also have an attack where she FUSES you with a bomb, (much like Merasmus does with his bomb heads). The only twist here is that the bomb explosion can damage teammates! So in order to save your team, you must run into The Matchmaker, leaving her stunned for a period of time. She’d have many more attacks that would require team coordination to successfully avoid, such as sucking you off ‘till you explode.I Indeed The Matchmaker is not an enemy to be trifled with!

Once The Matchmaker is defeated, huge demon arms reach out from her fireplace, dragging her back to the depths of Hell from whence she came. Don’t worry, though! I’m sure she’ll be back some other day, because I sure do love to reuse my update villains for sequels that nobody asked for! (*cough* Smissmas Dinosaur *cough*). After her defeat, her magical fusion spell reverts, and all the players in the server are randomly assigned to either RED or BLU. This is where the bloodbath occurs, where there is a final death-match between the two teams, where the winning team gets all sorts of wacky achievements! Including the all new F2P achievement hat that you’ll learn to hate! The hat, this time, being The Matchmaker’s Magical Tiara. (She dropped it as she was being dragged to Hell.)

Everyone will hate you for wearing this.

No self-respecting TF2 update would be complete without exciting new weaponry! And this is no exception! So buckle up as I share with you a whopping THREE RESKINS and ONE “NEW” WEAPON!

Spoiler

(all these weapons have a unique kill animation where the victim turns into a cupid baby and flies away to find true love)

The Matchmaking Staff!

This is a stock melee reskin, however it’s superior to the puny stock due to it’s fantastic kill taunt, where the user casts a magic spell that shoots a heart of death at the victim. Also, it’s all class, so Engie and Spy can use it. Whoopee!

The Lovely Healer!

A Medi Gun reskin that, rather than have a healing beam, shoots a bunch of hearts, because Medic loves his patients.

Cupid’s Arrow!

This is a huntsman reskin, where Sniper shoots cute heart arrows. The unique death animation only plays on bodyshot kills. Headshot kills still have the regular animation.

Spoiler

The Boston Foot-Long!

On hit from behind: Victim is inflicted with “love” status condition.

-40% attack speed

-30% damage penalty

-99% melee range

No random critical hits

This is the one “new” weapon for this update. I say “new”, because this weapon is just recycled bullcrap from the original SPUF, and just so happened to be my VERY FIRST POST there! The nostalgia is killing me, but not as much as this weapon will kill your opponents! The love debuff is simply a fancy way of saying that the victim gets covered in mad milk, and also gets inflicted with bleed for a few seconds.

And with a name like The Better Matchmaking Update, you’d expect some changes to the matchmaking system, right? YOU ARE CORRECT! With this update, you could expect to see the entirety of the matchmaking system completely removed! Hooray!

She's a scary one!.

Anyway, that’s all for today’s thrilling update. Stay tuned for more exciting TF2 update ideas, amongst other things. But until then, this is LordAIDS Monkey, SIGNING OUT!

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Shooty. Not only has my humble thread been de-railed, but I also have no clue what's going on! To make matters worse, your response must have been pretty clever to have gotten that rep, yet I still don't get it. Such as sad time to be me! And to top it all off, the forums are broken yet again!

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what the fuck did you just say to me i'll fucking kill you you fucking bitch i don't care what the fuck you say this is a motherfucking free country you fucking commie i'll send the helicopters right now go back to your country the right wing death squad known formally as ICE is coming for you and your kind

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You fools! Succubi are EVIL! They are not cute, and they are not good for you, hence why the entire purpose of the update was to kiss the succubus!

Did I actually typo "kiss" instead of "kill", or did I get stealth edited by a mischievous mod? Either way, I think I'll keep it like that because I found it funny. Also, the mercs are totally good, and they can beat a succubus any day!

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I read "Painted" instead of "Patented" and was dissapointed when I read it right.

Me? A painter?! Certainly not!! This was my greatest artistic achievement, and it ain't much. Never in a million years will I be able to create art to accompany a ranked list! (I probably will eventually. Shhhh!!)