Tag: science

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A study and report that once pointed toward evidence that sleeping pills can increase the risk of Alzheimer’s now appears to have slipped the collective consciousness of the scientific and medical professions, as well as the pill-taking public in general. Recent random polls taken of the population at large have turned up almost zero recollection that the report ever existed.

“You’re kidding!” scoffed Annabelle Clearmont, who admitted to being 26 when she was asked for a comment about the study while she was having a prescription filled for temazepam at her local pharmacy. “I’ve never heard that; and besides I need these little darlings to be able to get to sleep. Can’t think how my life would be without them.”

Sleeping pills, which are rarely called by that name anymore, are a class of drugs whose main function is to put people to sleep by doing a nasty little number on their brain functions. The pills are usually referred to now by quasi-medical terms such as hypnotics or soporifics to elevate them in status and their users in social self-importance, or, euphemistically as sleep aids or mild sedatives to give them the mistaken perception of benignity.

The results of the study, (which, ironically, has seemingly disappeared from public memory) of more than 3000 people indicated that the risk of dementia and Alzheimer’s for people taking sleeping pills was increased by more than 50% (dementia) and 60% (Alzheimer’s), compared with non-users.

As with smokers however, who live in denial right up until the time they get lung cancer and die from it, sleeping pill users are also quick to find ready rationalization to pop hypnotics.

When asked for comment about the possible harm to brain functions for people taking sleeping pills, Ryan Cernian, who said he was “on the right side of twenty-eight” and was filling a prescription for oxybutynin stated, “Sure, I had heard about it (the study), but I’m not worried because it was done on really old people.” Source: FNT Staff

OTTAWA – An international study that covered 58 countries and economies found that squirrels edged out porcupines when it comes to tested skills in mathematics. The results of the findings of the latest assessment by the Organization for Animal Co-operation and Development (OACD) were released on Tuesday. The OACD assessment takes place every four years.

More than a quarter-million squirrels and the same number of porcupines were tested on their skills and knowledge in mathematics. About thirty-two-thousand of these were Canadian squirrels and porcupines, in about equal numbers, from nine provinces and two of the three territories. Rodents from Alberta and Yukon Territory did not take part in the testing. Officials said that the animals there were sound asleep and missed the tests when they were administered.

The scores were then assessed in each OACD country and pooled together as a baseline average for the study. The results showed that squirrels in all 58 countries scored consistently higher than porcupines in mathematics, by an average of 3 percentage points.

Canadian squirrels and porcupines however scored noticeably low on the overall list of countries’ results, coming in sixteenth in the rankings. Their test scores in math were slightly above the average, but were disappointing compared to their front-running counterparts in China and Bulgaria, who came in first and second respectively.

“We were shocked and appalled to see such a noticeable decline in these key abilities among Canada’s most intelligent rodents” said Jasper Cunningham, an official from the federal Ministry of Animal Education in Ottawa. “The government will be taking action to correct this alarming disparity.”

No distinction was made for gender in the tests, a factor which the organizers argued over vehemently. Cunningham was vague as to the reasons for the gender-neutral tests saying that scoring them that way: “…would really have set the cat among the pigeons!”

He was definitive however when asked if the OACD could account for why squirrels scored consistently higher than porcupines on the tests.

“I’m sure it has to do with nuts,” he said. “Math is a fundamental skill when it comes to storing food for the winter.” Source: FNT Staff

DISCLAIMER

Welcome, one and all readers. If you’ve landed here maybe you are doing some due diligence and cross checking on a media item that is supposedly news. If that’s the case, our apologies. You won’t find any genuine news here. That’s because bona fide news, the true gen, is in short supply these days, anywhere you look. What is on offer here are the absolute best (we claim modestly) examples of “news” that never happened. We give you the “news” that you might read if you suddenly found yourself in a parallel universe that’s a kinder and gentler place, with less red tape. It’s 100% phony baloney that might pass for news, if taken at face value. But that would be a big mistake. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. (signed) Robin (Puck) Goodfellowfor:The Editors

P.S. Ok, further clarification for legalists. FauxNews Today® satirizes the mainstream news and other societal absurdities, period. All the articles and most names on this site are fictitious, regardless of whether they might sometimes seem similar to real people and events.

Occasionally, a public figure or a real entity may be mentioned by name however the details of the article are pure invention. Otherwise, in every case, any resemblance to actual persons, places or events is entirely coincidental.

We do our very best to provide credit and attribution when photos or art are used, based on the information available to us. This does not mean that the respective creators or authors endorse FauxNews Today®, or our use of the original photo or art. (signed) Puck