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Dardanus

DARDANUS

Spoiler for abilities:

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Dardanus wields a large sword, it’s blade around four foot long. It’s handle is three foot long and wrapped in a rough black cloth for good grip. The handle also has a wide handguard. The blade is made from an unbreakable steel and is double edged. At his will, he will start generating magical electricity that greatly boost his abilities, from speed to intelligence to strength. This electricity can also be manipulated to throw at opponents. The electricity is a bright red and will cause third degree burns. He was born into a magical family.

Spoiler for weaknesses:

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Dardanus is very strong and witty even without his electricity, but he lacks speed which can lose him the battle. He also gets headaches constantly. His magic lightning takes up energy, so he can’t use it for too long at a time.

Spoiler for history:

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Dardanus’ history is more or less unknown, but for the past couple years it is believed he lived as a hermit in a large, obsidian semi-sphere in the Mediterranean. Those who have been able to break in have not returned. It is also known that his sword was created at the bottom of the ocean, by immortal beings known as the Centimanes, the most skilled blacksmiths to ever exist. The Black Clan, a notorious organisation known for their numerous failed test subjects, has been skirmishing on and off for years. His motives are unknown, but he kills in cold blood.

Spoiler for personality:

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Dardanus is generally very calm and gloomy. He is also very down to earth and has a dark sense of humour. He however can find people extremely annoying, but he doesn’t show it. He is also very blunt and straight to the point.

Spoiler for appearance:

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A thirty-year-old man with dark skin and misty blue eyes (that will turn bright red when he is using his lightning abilities.) with long black dreadlocks, tied back into a ponytail going down to his shoulders. He has short bits of stubble leading for the sides of his hair down to his chin and around his mouth. When away from his dwellings, he wears a dark blue shirt with white polka-dots and tan coloured pants. When in the dome he wears a heavy black coat going down to his ankles over a light blue t-shirt and the same tan pants.
He can also be depicted as a blue (#434ec1) stick figure.

Spoiler for demo:

Show

As the light faded over the Black Clan’s base, a different, brighter light, shine suddenly shone in a before dark room. A lady in a dark uniform strutted out of the room and down the hallway to a oak door. She knocked on the door and stated to whoever was inside,
‘Sir, the portal is ready.’ She heard the sound of wood scraping the ground, and then loud, heavy steps. The door swung open to reveal a pale man, with hollow cheeks and bags under his eyes. His eyes where the colour of blood.
‘Good.’ He said in a low, purr like murmur. He scooted in front of her and walked down the corridor, his black cape billowing behind him. He entered the doorless room, the lady stumbling behind him. He pulled out a long, sharp sword, with twisting gold bars forming an intricate handguard. ‘This will take no time, I will be right back.’ He said, as he stepped into the light.
On the other side of the earth, he reappeared in a similar light. He took a step forward to find he was surrounded by complete darkness.
‘DARDANUS!’ He yelled into the blackness, as the light started to fade. The floor began to illuminate a dim blue light. There was a flash of red in the distance and a man appeared in front of him. His dark skin lit by the floor making him look like a demon of some sort.
‘Pontus,’ he muttered. ‘I thought the Black Clan would have learned from their mistakes.’
‘I promise you, this time it will be different. This time a sinner’s blood will be spilt.’ Replied Pontus. He raised his sword, pointing it at Dardanus.
‘This won’t end well for you, take a look at your friend Terantula.’ Said Dardanus. He drew a giant sword, gleaming in the light, from it’s leather sheath. After a moments silence, Dardanus threw a punch at Pontus, hitting him right in the mouth. Blood splattered on the floor. He gave a grunt in frustration and stumbled back.
‘Die!’ He yelled, and wildly thrusted his sword at Dardanus, of whom swung his sword down from above his head and parried the attack.
‘Your attempts are futile, Pontus.’ In silence Pontus wiped away the blood streaming from his mouth. He pointed a crooked finger at Dardanus.
‘No.’ He said. His sword flashed in a flurry of attacks. In one, sweeping movement he managed to deflect the strikes leaving only small scratches on his face. ‘AAARGH’ Pontus screamed, as he lunged forward, but not before Dardanus saw an opening. Dardanus thrust his blade into Pontus’ stomach and Pontus stuttered. ‘Y-you… Wha-’ His sword fell on the ground.
‘I warned you Pontus.’ Said Dardanus grimly. His eyes turned from their usual, misty blue to bright, vibrant red. Lightning of the same colour crackled around them, burning Pontus’ skin.
‘h- I- AAAAAAAARGH!’ Screamed Pontus as he was blasted through the air. A loud crash could be heard in the distance. Dardanus stood up to his regular stance and wiped the sweat if his brow.
‘Idiot.’

Idk, but it's over the rainbow and beyond the sea, AKA that Narnia place (hah, no, did you think?).

Posts

142

I don't typically do CnCs, but I may as well as try. I'm sure someone will give me pointers down the road, and I suppose that I won't get any better if I don't try. I think getting a final say from an experienced veteran would be good, but they say anyone can offer their thoughts on something here, so I may as well as give it a try. Vets, if I say something that doesn't quite line up, feel free to say.

So I read through your character, quick read, and I think one thing that could be improved upon is that it could use a bit more detail, particularly the personality and the backstory categories. For the personality I feel like what you have is fine, but there could be more. What is he like to other people? Does he even like being near people? He may be calm most of the time, but does he have a limit that, once he surpasses, he starts to lose it? And if he does, what is he like when something really gets on his nerves? He has a dark sense of humor, but how far does that go? Is he just a complete sadist who takes pleasure in beating up any living thing near him, or does he just hate humans but has a soft spot for some other species? Make sense? Also, considering this is a place where characters battle against each other, it'd probably be good to show what he is like in battle. Is he a believer in forgiveness or not? Is he gullible? Say he wants information from someone, does his "dark sense of humor" get in the way of getting said info or does he have restraint? In a story, the personality of a character drives their every action, and having a bit more to go off of would help. I know this is only coming from a guy who's unexperienced in writing and giving constructive criticisms, but I think that a little more here is needed.

As for the backstory, there just isn't much detail to go off of, which has me confused when I read your guy's demo. The backstory is the most important part imo, and if it's only three lines, you're not going to entice people into battling your character, and you therefore won't be getting anywhere as a writer. Like, I get how no one knows about where he's from and stuff, but that doesn't mean the authors can't know too. Like, just because no fictional being knows where he was born and raised and what his childhood was like, doesn't mean you get a free pass for not including it in your char's thread. The backstory of the gladiators here shape them into what they are today. And also, the RHG is a corporation that wants to make money by showing off fights between talented warriors, and if your character is here, then that means he was put in the system one way or the other. It doesn't matter if he chose to be here or if he was put there by force, but knowing why he'd show up would be helpful. Maybe it was to get information on this "Black Clan" or whatever (an explanation on what that is and why they are related to your character would help too), or maybe it was because he just loves bloodshed so much that he decided to take part in the battles. Is he on some quest that relates to the RHG? Is he trying to get revenge on a certain gladiator? You see, what happens in your past affects your future, and giving him a reason to fight, explaining why he's the sadist (if he is one) he is today, saying where he got his powers and his sword helps us for when we go to battle your character.

When I read through it at first, nothing really stood out, and the main reason for this is because there wasn't any history, at least that's what it was like for me. Like sure he has this big sword and this cool red lightning, but where'd he get it? Is he a part of some clan of magic users? Was he a test experiment? The backstory matters whether the fictional characters know his history or not. If you were to leave that section as the way it is now, not only would people find your char to be somewhat uninteresting, but if you do get a battle, it might be hard to make a reason for Dardanus to fight anyone, primarily because we don't know what he's fighting for, we don't know what he's doing in the RHG, and we don't know what about his past drives him forward. Sure you can go the route of having the bout be a scheduled arena fight, but that's not something all of us like to do all the time, especially since arena battles don't always push the story arcs some of us writers have in mind for our character, but also because some of the characters here don't even partake in arena battles. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not amazing at writing backstories either, in fact it's the one thing I dread when I go to make a profile for one of my OCs. If you read my test room, you'll see that most of the backstories aren't the best. They aren't good at all really. However, in my eyes, it will suffice for side characters. One reason my backstories for my NPCs aren't too good is because it's time consuming, and I have a life away from the computer. When I go to make a character profile, the backstories and the backstories alone are the thing I dread, and while I can manage to make an okay-ish history for a side character that makes clothes, an actual gladiator that you want people to battle against with shouldn't only have three lines with the majority of one saying that no one knows his past and the majority of another just saying where his sword was made and that alone. All I'm saying is that if you can find a good backstory, you're character could have good potential, but right now, there's just too many "why's?"

Now, it's because of the lack of explanation that the demo has us (at least me) confused. Like sure, it demonstrates his powers fine, and the personality of him that you did explain is shown, along with his appearance, but there's just a lot of questions. Could your demo use work? Yes, it could. Explaining some things would help, but you can make do out of the demo you have. I'm not asking for a great plot that explains everything, because that's not the purpose of writing a demo. Not only is it to help you get a feel for how you write, but it's just to explain you character in a battle, demonstrating their powers, personality, and all that jazz. That's how I view it anyway. You did that, so I'm not asking you to rewrite it. I just advise you to not spring up a bunch of names no one other than you knows about in a full-fledged battle since you will confuse the reader, which is something you do not want. That's why you want a good backstory, so the events in your character's life as a gladiator will make sense. Aside from that, one thing I notice is your use of ' marks for dialogue, when in actuality, you should be using " marks. So instead of ‘Die!’ it should be "Die!" Small but important. Also, it's good to separate paragraphs with a line of emptiness like I've been doing so it makes it a bit easier to read. If you use Google Docs or something, you don't have to do that, but be sure to use indents. Here though on the forums, these blank lines make it easier for us.

Everything else could use a little more, but your personality and backstory are more important things to fix first. After that, taking a look at your appearance section should be your next priority. Remember, this is the Writer's Lounge's wRHG, and we do all the explaining of the story in words. Your appearance could also be a bit more descriptive though.

I don't typically do CnCs, but I may as well as try. I'm sure someone will give me pointers down the road, and I suppose that I won't get any better if I don't try. I think getting a final say from an experienced veteran would be good, but they say anyone can offer their thoughts on something here, so I may as well as give it a try. Vets, if I say something that doesn't quite line up, feel free to say.

So I read through your character, quick read, and I think one thing that could be improved upon is that it could use a bit more detail, particularly the personality and the backstory categories. For the personality I feel like what you have is fine, but there could be more. What is he like to other people? Does he even like being near people? He may be calm most of the time, but does he have a limit that, once he surpasses, he starts to lose it? And if he does, what is he like when something really gets on his nerves? He has a dark sense of humor, but how far does that go? Is he just a complete sadist who takes pleasure in beating up any living thing near him, or does he just hate humans but has a soft spot for some other species? Make sense? Also, considering this is a place where characters battle against each other, it'd probably be good to show what he is like in battle. Is he a believer in forgiveness or not? Is he gullible? Say he wants information from someone, does his "dark sense of humor" get in the way of getting said info or does he have restraint? In a story, the personality of a character drives their every action, and having a bit more to go off of would help. I know this is only coming from a guy who's unexperienced in writing and giving constructive criticisms, but I think that a little more here is needed.

As for the backstory, there just isn't much detail to go off of, which has me confused when I read your guy's demo. The backstory is the most important part imo, and if it's only three lines, you're not going to entice people into battling your character, and you therefore won't be getting anywhere as a writer. Like, I get how no one knows about where he's from and stuff, but that doesn't mean the authors can't know too. Like, just because no fictional being knows where he was born and raised and what his childhood was like, doesn't mean you get a free pass for not including it in your char's thread. The backstory of the gladiators here shape them into what they are today. And also, the RHG is a corporation that wants to make money by showing off fights between talented warriors, and if your character is here, then that means he was put in the system one way or the other. It doesn't matter if he chose to be here or if he was put there by force, but knowing why he'd show up would be helpful. Maybe it was to get information on this "Black Clan" or whatever (an explanation on what that is and why they are related to your character would help too), or maybe it was because he just loves bloodshed so much that he decided to take part in the battles. Is he on some quest that relates to the RHG? Is he trying to get revenge on a certain gladiator? You see, what happens in your past affects your future, and giving him a reason to fight, explaining why he's the sadist (if he is one) he is today, saying where he got his powers and his sword helps us for when we go to battle your character.

When I read through it at first, nothing really stood out, and the main reason for this is because there wasn't any history, at least that's what it was like for me. Like sure he has this big sword and this cool red lightning, but where'd he get it? Is he a part of some clan of magic users? Was he a test experiment? The backstory matters whether the fictional characters know his history or not. If you were to leave that section as the way it is now, not only would people find your char to be somewhat uninteresting, but if you do get a battle, it might be hard to make a reason for Dardanus to fight anyone, primarily because we don't know what he's fighting for, we don't know what he's doing in the RHG, and we don't know what about his past drives him forward. Sure you can go the route of having the bout be a scheduled arena fight, but that's not something all of us like to do all the time, especially since arena battles don't always push the story arcs some of us writers have in mind for our character, but also because some of the characters here don't even partake in arena battles. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not amazing at writing backstories either, in fact it's the one thing I dread when I go to make a profile for one of my OCs. If you read my test room, you'll see that most of the backstories aren't the best. They aren't good at all really. However, in my eyes, it will suffice for side characters. One reason my backstories for my NPCs aren't too good is because it's time consuming, and I have a life away from the computer. When I go to make a character profile, the backstories and the backstories alone are the thing I dread, and while I can manage to make an okay-ish history for a side character that makes clothes, an actual gladiator that you want people to battle against with shouldn't only have three lines with the majority of one saying that no one knows his past and the majority of another just saying where his sword was made and that alone. All I'm saying is that if you can find a good backstory, you're character could have good potential, but right now, there's just too many "why's?"

Now, it's because of the lack of explanation that the demo has us (at least me) confused. Like sure, it demonstrates his powers fine, and the personality of him that you did explain is shown, along with his appearance, but there's just a lot of questions. Could your demo use work? Yes, it could. Explaining some things would help, but you can make do out of the demo you have. I'm not asking for a great plot that explains everything, because that's not the purpose of writing a demo. Not only is it to help you get a feel for how you write, but it's just to explain you character in a battle, demonstrating their powers, personality, and all that jazz. That's how I view it anyway. You did that, so I'm not asking you to rewrite it. I just advise you to not spring up a bunch of names no one other than you knows about in a full-fledged battle since you will confuse the reader, which is something you do not want. That's why you want a good backstory, so the events in your character's life as a gladiator will make sense. Aside from that, one thing I notice is your use of ' marks for dialogue, when in actuality, you should be using " marks. So instead of ĎDie!í it should be "Die!" Small but important. Also, it's good to separate paragraphs with a line of emptiness like I've been doing so it makes it a bit easier to read. If you use Google Docs or something, you don't have to do that, but be sure to use indents. Here though on the forums, these blank lines make it easier for us.

Everything else could use a little more, but your personality and backstory are more important things to fix first. After that, taking a look at your appearance section should be your next priority. Remember, this is the Writer's Lounge's wRHG, and we do all the explaining of the story in words. Your appearance could also be a bit more descriptive though.

Hello and welcome to the wrhg i like this character but it could stand to us a bit more detail, is the biggest thing. Something so we can get more of an idea of who he is, what hes gone through stuff like that. The characters may not know but us writers could. Who knows there may be a situation where something happens that sparks or triggers something from your characte details are important.

Also if you would like to have a friendly fight my brawler Bulwarks not doing anythig

Hello and welcome to the wrhg i like this character but it could stand to us a bit more detail, is the biggest thing. Something so we can get more of an idea of who he is, what hes gone through stuff like that. The characters may not know but us writers could. Who knows there may be a situation where something happens that sparks or triggers something from your characte details are important.

Also if you would like to have a friendly fight my brawler Bulwarks not doing anythig

Hi there! I'd love to give some feedback as well, if you want it. Personally, I'm very interested in the character's mysterious origins and I like that small air of the unknown of where his story could go. Given that, I still think your character can benefit from a bit more detail. However, I can see you fleshing his story out more and more after every battle until he's fully explained.

I'm currently waiting for my wRHG to be approved; but once he is, I'd love to have a battle against Dardanus. I think our characters' backstories could create an interesting back and forth, on and off the field.

"Allow me to show you what it means to be in touch with your soul..." -Pith