The Deception Of Date Night

If you had cornered me a couple of years ago and interrogated me about my favourite types of movies, I would have wondered who the hell you were and tried to run away.

No, just jokes, I’d have answered you because I’m not a chop. The answer would have been that it was definitely, with out a doubt, action movies. The superhero kind or even the ones with lots of blood and guts. Maybe even comedy. But you would NEVER have gotten me to say that I enjoyed romance movies.

All those average girls who find some kind of prince charming to sweep them off their feet. Which he obviously proceeds to do (without any real effort except being really ridiculously good looking), until some terrible thing happens and they break up. Then they run after each other at an airport or some such thing and are reunited for all eternity.

Excuse me while I vom in my mouth.

That was until, uh, about a year ago. Now, while I may still choose to go to an action movie over anything else, I am sucked into love stories in TV series like the hopeless romantic I never thought I’d be. Case in point? Nick and Jess in New Girl. Guys. I’m hooked. It’s easily the best TV romance of them all. I am not joking when I tell you that I have watched the episodes of their first kiss and the few after that at least 5 times. (In the last couple of years, I don’t like, watch it on repeat every night or anything – I’m not completely nuts OK?!)

In fact I watched it all again a couple of weeks ago. But this time was a little different for me. I started trying to figure out why I enjoyed those episodes so much and I think it’s because they do those perfect, heart fluttery moments so damn well. You get all wrapped up in those first romance feelings – the allure, the excitement and the rush.

Now, for perspective, Seth and I are about to celebrate 10 years of marriage in March and we’ve just celebrated being together for thirteen whole years this past September. That’s a long ass time. It would be a big fat lie to tell you that I still felt those heart fluttery feelings of a new romance. I don’t. I’m not even sure that’s even possible unless you’re in a really tumultuous relationship where you don’t feel secure.

Anyway.

I realised that it’s so easy to get sucked up into pursuing that feeling. That rush of the new. And how freaking unhealthy relying on that feeling is.

I totally get the allure and excitement of a new romance, but there is something deeply satisfying about growing old with someone you love.

As you’re together longer and longer, those butterflies get replaced with something more substantial. Like um, a house or something. You love the freaking crap out of that same person, but it’s not whimsical and fleeting. It’s deep and rooted in so much more than appearances and electricity.

Does that even make sense? I hope so, because I want to take it a bit further. You know that feeling of looking at others doing things and wanting your relationship to be that? To have that same “romance” to it. I feel like that may extend to more than just those first butterflies.

Does your eye twitch every time you see your friends going on a date night? It’s probably especially twitchy when your husband hasn’t even looked at you all day except to ask when supper will be ready? I bet you’re picturing your friends sitting in a cosy restaurant – candle lit of course – staring into each others eyes, holding hands and talking about each others most endearing qualities. They laugh, they cuddle, the romance is so evident that other people around them feel queasy.

And while a few other couples may get that right, date nights are probably never actually like this in real life. In reality they’ve been called home with a sick toddler or found a hair in their food. The romance of these nights isn’t as amplified as if you were doing the very same thing for the first time with your spouse (which is how we tend to picture it). Especially when you’ve been together for a while. For us it’s more like…

In my head date night is filled with romantic meals, laughter and lots of time doing what we want to do. In reality it’s traffic and a movie

Granted, that’s still better than nothing. But I think we’ve built up date night into something so much more than just connecting with your spouse. Now it has to fill a further role of being as romantic as possible and should ignite those once upon a time fluttery feelings. The perception has also become that said date night has to be held out of the house at a relatively expensive restaurant or it doesn’t really count as a date night. The more Instagramable the better. (Yas, I’m guilty of this even though I don’t want to admit it).

Anyways, it’s obvs that this is not going to happen every time guys. Isn’t it?

What I’m really trying to say is that I’ve noticed many women on my various timelines that would kill for a romantic date night. Because that’s the impression we (as people who regularly go on date nights) give about how those nights go, when in reality it’s not so much romantic as it is just about strengthening your connection. Seeing each other, hearing each other and taking an interest in their every day life apart from you.

So I need to stress that this DOESN’T have to be something that you do outside the house.

It also doesn’t need a label.

You can totally have this kind of time in the comfort of your own home once the kids are asleep. Yeah, it may not exactly sound like much, but when you’ve moved the emphasis from romantic gestures to just being with each other without distraction, working on your real connection, you’ll probably realise that it’s OK. Maybe?

This might all be coming out of left field, but I know that even though we have the luxury of regular date nights, I always want them to be more than what they are. So I know that working on this is what I’m going to try and do this month.

20 comments

This is really good and so true! I have had date nights where I end up sitting with tears in my eyes ‘cos we’re sitting quietly and have nothing to say and then my husband gets worked up because he doesn’t know why I’m crying and he’s upset that people are probably looking at us thinking – shame, poor woman – when in fact there’s absolutely nothing wrong other than the fact that we’re sitting in silence. And in my mind, I’m thinking – is this what our relationship has come to? We have nothing to say to each other. Is this relationship even working? How did we get here? And he’s probably thinking – ah, silence, no kids screaming and he’s taking the time to scroll through messages in peace and such things that he doesn’t normally have time to do in a normal evening. Excuse the waffling but what I’m trying to say is I totally get this!!! Wanting date night to be special and romantic. Our date night last week was just a normal night out. We sat in silence but comfortable silence. And there were no fireworks and scattered heart chocolates and string quartets playing “morantic” music 🙂 but we had the best time just being together and reconnecting!

I hate the term. Always have but the time spent is important, vital even.

We recently attended a marriage course and Date Night came up. There were definitely some eye rolls happening by a few couples as it was said. But they kept at it. Kept discussing why it was important to set aside a time to just be together, to connect and talk, just as you said. They didn’t say anything about romance or needing to go somewhere expensive. They said a simple walk or coffee at a coffee shop would be perfectly fine. Also if all you have is an hour then do it. These connection times don’t have to be hours and hour and hours. Who has time for that?? They did stress that it was important to leave he house only because it is so easy to get distracted at home and not properly connect.

What annoyed me after reading your tweet was that in one of your twitter responses a person said that “date night” was only for people with children. People without children have date night every night. What utter BS! I may not have children but I have a busy life, work full time and am studying. As does my husband. We to also forget to touch base and connect. We forget to catch up and really listen to each other. Children would just be another distraction like we currently have. Granted couples with children have to try harder to find the time and this I get. I don’t have to figure out what to do with my children. We can agree on a day and time and do it. It is definitely easier for coupleswithout children to set aside time.

Connection time is vital for all relationships regardless of you child status and it should be practiced by all, at all ages.

I’m with you and understand what you’re saying. I fully agree with you that date nights or time alone as couples is necessary to plan in any kind of relationship, with or without kids. It is just harder to do date nights with kids because of baby sitting etc.

Also I’ve found that this is one of those things, like when people without kids say that they’re tired and people with kids are like, “you don’t even know the meaning of tired”. It’s all a perspective thing and what’s relevant to the current situation you find yourself in. It’s harder to see it from other perspectives.

Most of our “date” nights involve a drink on the patio, while holding hands in the dark and having an uninterrupted conversation after our kids have gone to bed.
We don’t have a support system here in terms of family so to go out is difficult and costs us R500 before we’ve even left the house.

The term ‘date nigh’t ranks right up there with ‘play date’ for me. Both seems so contrived and there is such pressure to fit them into your life.
We don’t have babysitters close by, so when, once in a blue moon, my daughter stays with granny for a few nights, we always mean to go out to eat every night, but by the third night we are dragging our feet and would actually rather stay home and watch TV in silence.

For us connecting happens in other ways, on a long drive, when my daughter falls asleep in the car, or just sitting for a few minutes longer after supper when daughter has gone to watch a bit of TV. I find it easier to just make small efforts than to put so much expectation on a date. As kids get older, they can entertain themselves a bit more and you get some time back again. It is important to keep talking and keep connected, but you shouldn’t add this pressure of having to have date night scheduled. It just makes you feel guilty when you don’t get around to it.

Such a great comment – I totally agree with you! The stolen moments are often so much better than the forced ones. Although, if you’re not diligent about taking those little moments, then forcing yourselves into a date might then become helpful?

I’m about a year late with my comment, but I only came across this great post now. (Where have I been?) I totally agree that ‘date night’ & ‘play date’ can be such a disappointment if you’re not realistic about it.

BUT, after almost 10 years of marriage, I sometimes just long for those first dates where you don’t run out of things to say, have no admin talk or are just too plain tired to think or be nice or smile…

Look, I’m still an advocate of regular date nights, but they don’t have to be out the house. Have you tried setting aside one night a month to do something at home? I wonder how that would work, but I’m sure it would be fun!

I LOVE date nights – no matter where or what they are… Dating our husbands can be anything and everything we want it to be – a quite hour together on the couch after kids bedtime or a fancy dinner for two at a snazzy restaurant. Making the time is all that is important – great post Cindy x

After seeing a family therapist, he suggested we need to have date night. So we did. It was awkward and ended up being financial meetings. Talking about the new car or school or grass we wanted to plant in the yard. Then ended up fighting because we’re “not supposed to” be talking about those things. It’s date night remember??

Then we tried a movie, it was the most successful evening as we didn’t have to talk to each other.

Then we tried another dinner and I was left in the restuarant while he took an Uber home.

We decided to try again, reservations were made by both of us as we don’t communicate, and then got to the restuarant arguing and irritated so took pizza as takeaway and ended up giving away 2 x untouched pizzas to beggars on Kloof.

We haven’t gotten this waxed but your post highlighted something for me..

“Because that’s the impression we (as people who regularly go on date nights) give about how those nights go, when in reality it’s not so much romantic as it is just about strengthening your connection. Seeing each other, hearing each other and taking an interest in their every day life apart from you.”

I think I’m giving up on date nights and opting for drinking a beer on the couch once the kids have gone to bed.

We’ve probably spent between R600 – R1000 each date night ending up fighting and going to sleep in silence.

Hey Hannah – we’ve had those nights too. But for us talking about our future and plotting and planning is a totally beneficial part of date night. Uninterrupted time to chat about anything. AND YES too beers on the couch! If that creates less expectation and more too chat about rubbish then DO it . Man I hope that works out for you!

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After living a very normal suburban life we packed up everything to live in a VW van for a year as a family of 5. Now that we have traveled our beautiful country we are back to normal but trying to remember what it was like to live with less, spend time in nature and build on our family bonds. Join us on the journey.