White Wolf

As the world fades into white fog and surrounds all that can be experienced I slow down finally. What a ride has been these past few days, weeks and even months. My body as usually has been wiser than my head and decided to put me on pause. Stop.

For some years have been amazed that my brain is way more slower than my whole organism. Even if I know it in my head I still don’t really know it. Or I choose not to believe it and keep on going in old patterns.

So this is moment of stopping. Moment of productive solitude to just gather up myself back and find ground again. Till next time we meet. Ground and clouds.

As the pain slowly sinks in and travels to furthest places inside my body I come to realisation. Trigger points. So many created during this life time that I cannot count anymore. As I play a new song and first lyrics appear on the screen my heart again generates another wave of sweet pain reminding me of last few months here. And I wonder – would these few words had worked on me just a week ago?

Finding myself in the mornings sleeping in a bed with tensed muscles. Remembrance. Memory of joyful moments before when my body would completely relax while in sleep. Comparison. Is it a heartache of all human beings? Mind that tricks me in comparison and I forget to be in a moment. Forget of one thing that I can truly experience – now. Breath, just breath.

Sunday morning with sun salutation and a bit of sunshine. Lovely visitors and cakes in cups.

This was the day with longest hours of talking on the phone. As time is passing there are moments of silence on both ends of communication. It brings peace at some moments, love in others. And a lot of worry about internet stability.

The way how any relationships pushes me more, challenges me more to evolve, adapt, be flexible and be more aware of what I feel, how I feel. Still being patient with myself and self training. As masters have said: “Work patiently and persistently”

And also this day brought back a bit of Tolkien’s world with LOTR. And one quote again seemed very well fit for the times we have:

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

As I was waking up hard feelings took over my body. I felt like there would be a hole in place where my heart is and that this hole slowly but persistently would be swelling everything of me. It was hurting. And even though my brain was saying that it is ok to feel like that my body wasn’t listening and just creating more struggle. And as those feelings were raising I was told a sentence: “That automatic interpretation about all mine and all your actions clouds the mind”. How easy it is to fall into imagination and not check reality – what there really is? Is it true?

Morning walk/run through woods and fields. Paved road, green lights, rarely passing cars and cyclers, distant cows and horses. Smell of manure had taken over the whole place. I was told I will get used to that. So many thoughts were running through my brain as I was running on physical plane. How easily it is for a seed to be planted and slowly grow on the back of the head. Home.

And then moment of happiness, moment of care – morning frappe from my nice house mates. Small talk and a cigarette. Slowly moving from place to place as our garden becomes a gathering place for BBQ. Talks, smiles, care, play, peace, sadness, smiles, tiredness, sleep and games. A bit of talks and friendly visit. Days past peacefully. As if in world would be no worries or struggles bigger than reaching for BBQ sauce, rain in the evening or spilled beer on the ground.

Morning sunlight illuminates dew on Holland’s green grass. As I ride and listen to music, I notice how my brain is trying to somehow fight back my intention to ride as fast as I can till my muscles hurt. I slow down my breathing but never slow down the speed until the moment I pass horses. Oh, those horses. Light grey, heads straight up. Beauty that I can barely grasp.

Ride to City hall somehow showed me how easy it is to be in a group and in the same time spot so many differences between us – young adventure seekers who are more or less lost a bit in life and have decided to take a challenge and be in EVS (European Voluntary Service).

That moment when I fill up a form in City hall and write in “divorced” in my family status and fill up information about my first husband. It is an odd feeling. It brings back memories of life before. It brings back feeling of complete peace. Of integrity. Of being ok with myself.

Moment of sunshine talks while coming back home. Moment of sharing. Moment of experiencing. Moment of connecting. Moment of togetherness while riding a bike. Moment of saying ‘bye’.

Home. How do you know when you are at home? How my heart truly feels arriving home? Is this true home? Or is it just a moment before truly returning back home?

As the day passes a soundtrack of life plays along. Strange talks about homes and houses and wishes. That what today has been about – riding a bike and feeling of home.

Pace here is somehow different. During day there are those very dynamic moments when everything is happening inside and around. Projects, writing, exploring, communicating, small tasks, bigger tasks. It is somehow very rapid pace. And plans are building up very fast.

When evening comes it all is washed away as waves wash the shores and all becomes peaceful. As sun sets over a river also all that fast pace dissolves in low sun rays. Peace falls upon Ommen, small bike roads, green field and also me. Talks become slower, speed doesn’t seem to change on physical world but inside it just all calms down.

Today feelings were combined between a bit of longing, happiness, confusion, excitement, seriousness, peacefulness and many more. With all those feelings inside I realised I feel ok. I feel ok with whatever comes. And that was an amazing moment of realisation.