The Loud Silence

About Me

I'm a stay at home Mom of two children and I have the unique privilege of being able to homeschool both of them. I am a stepmother to two older daughters one who is going to college. I enjoy shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning, organizing, running, clowning, making soap, playing piano and lately painting with ASCP paint! I am learning to enjoy the little things in life and make the most of it...clinging to my Savior through the tears that life brings and enjoying his GRACE He gives us every day! Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

It's been a year since I have posted anything on this particular blog. Last night I laid in bed rather angry. I was angry, angry for Michael Browns family ( I'm sure this is not how they want their son remembered) angry for the police officers and guard members being shot at who were called in to protect the town. I was angry for the shop keepers who will lose so much especially with the timing of the verdict being around the holidays. Angry for those who live in that town who are absolutely terrified. Our former youth pastors wife wrote on Facebook that there were fires and chaos and she was scared and asking for prayer...and you call this America? I wanted to reach through Facebook and bring her family here to safety. I was angry watching protestors who probably don't live there setting fires, vandalizing cars, stealing.....for what??? For what???? Because your mad??? What part of stealing from another or taking what isn't yours make it better? It just makes everything worse!

I will not pretend that for a second that the black community has not suffered from my race. It makes me sick and saddened every time I think of how people thought slavery was right and they threw God's name in the mix to offer balm to their souls. I have watched " 12 years as a slave" "amazing Grace", and cried through each of them shaking my head that humans could treat other humans in that way. I read about William Wilberforce ,Tom Paine, Susan B Anthony, John Brown, John Jay, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Clarkson and there are many others and my heart leaps with joy as I see hope that change did indeed take place and they suffered for their beliefs.

I also watch shows like " The Pianist, Schindlers list, those are two that I remember and only one did I watch the whole way through....I left the room on The Pianist....was more than I could bear.

It goes without saying that we as humans have treated other races beyond cruel...that we have acted that we are higher than other humans for no other reason than the color of our skin.

As far as racism today.... I see it both ways....I see some who treat white people with disdain and I see white people who still act as though they are superior. I hear both sides shout out phrases that they believe are true that sometimes are but usually are not.

Around two months ago a childhood friend of mine whose husband is a police officer, their son was pulled over by a police officer and tased in his car.....he was pulled out lifeless....his heart stopped and he's still recovering.....his family is beyond angry. The ultimate last straw was the video of the police officer with his foot on his head as his body lay lifeless....Did this family call for her former classmates to come riot? I wanted to! I was angry! To add insult to injury the news media did its best to discredit this young man....with reports of the police officer finding pot in his car (untrue by the way...only found a lighter).

Why do I write that last story? Well, there are bad police officers and there are good. There are bad servicemen and there are good. There are good people and there are bad. When will we judge by character and not by the color of our skin? When will we say enough is enough. When will we forgive the past injustices and move on to a better world for our children? When will we make a change? Sadly, it will not come until we forgive on both sides....until we lay it at the cross...until we allow God to deal with the injustices and take it out of our hands.

Again, I don't claim to understand the pain of what my race has done to other races.....but I can tell you my children do not feel the way that earlier generations feel. In my home all races are welcome, and skin color is not a factor. In my home...everyone is treated as family.

So today, I continue to pray for Ferguson, and all those affected on this lose lose situation.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

There are many blogs to read. There are many people that have a lot of things to say...they have beautiful homes, wonderful crafts, fabulous baking and cooking and organizing ideas....and there is so much talent that sometimes t can be overwhelming.

I started this blog about three years ago because I felt that I had some unique experiences that few others had. For awhile I wrote about them even though it made some uncomfortable but the feedback I received spurred me on...so today...as my heart breaks....I write on.

When I became a parent for the first time I was overwhelmed, overjoyed...and amazed that I and m husband made such a perfect little human being....parent hood was nothing that I thought it would be and everything I never imagined....I am blessed to be a Mom...beyond words....truly blessed.

In my parenting I have learned that all of our children are different and between my husband and myself we have four children....they all have completely different personalities and talents, strengths and weaknesses and the balance of knowing how to deal with them makes me feel at times that I'm orchestrating several freight trains at once just waiting for them all to crash....and right now we have one that is off the tracks....and it breaks our hearts....and our family is broken....and we sit in silence...because it's easier to keep the pain to ourselves than announce it to the world. To say that you have a problem in your family means that you set yourself up to be judged...we don't really feel like being judged right now. It mans that people that have never been through the pain you are going through like to give unwanted advice...it means that people pull their kids from your kids that haven't gone off the tracks because they might spread that"off track gene" to their kid and well we just can't have that. It means that we are not perfect...it means we have a front row seat to either a "God sized" miracle or a crushing blow....it means you find out who your real friends are. It means you learn how to pray like never before. It means your way harder on your other kids still riding the rails...it means you cry a lot, it means you don't allow yourself to look at pictures, or sit still long enough. It means you freeze time and scrutinize every decision you ever made or said to that child....it means you learn to let go...to let God in....to have Him hold you...because you can't sleep, can't feel, can't get through the day unless you give to Him all day L ONG say...I give you my children...the ones that run to you and the ones that run from you....and you never look at those parents that children ran from them the same way again....you never say " it can't happen in our family." Because it can....we are all capable of running....

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

My son just turned 14 and wanted a Facebook. I told him no....I wish someone would have told I me no. Lately I get on just to check deals that are going on and rarely post anything unless it's a picture from Instagram. I would love to shut down the account but that's how I plan things for the college kids and parties, and advertise for my soap business, and my real business.

I used to post things when I was angry, or felt self righteous, I would post my childrens accomplishments and probably still do. Then I just kind of got tired of it all and started sharing articles that meant a lot to me...then people started sharing their opinions of how they felt about those articles...and they were not always positive...and then I just got annoyed and stayed annoyed. Then people would unfriend me and I would unfriend them...or they would post pics of their kids birthday party that they didn't invite my kid too...or boast about how giving and wonderful their child was...and I realized....Facebook has just become another seventh grade battlefield...where some of us never grow up...and mean girls rule.

I must confess sometimes I act like a mean girl...and that's why unless it's humorous I rarely post anymore...usually my posts are something like this: we finally got the driveway clear of any snow and then to mock us it snowed again:).

It also creates this false sense of knowing someone. I may post pictures of my glorious gorgeous house which makes you all feel that I'm super wonderful....but really I'm not...I may be lonely, sad, depressed but boy can I fake it by posting pics of just the positive....and that's what Facebook does...creates a false sense of knowing one another.

Facebook has its good points to. I get to see what is happening in my relatives lives that live far away, my friends that are far away and keeps me up to date on happenings at church etc....but honestly...what would happen if I hit the delete button? Wouldn't people be able to email me, text me,
Instagram me, twitter me....aren't I already so connected anyway? What makes me feel that I just can't hit it???

I sometimes feel that I'm spying on people and what a waste of time it is...why do we feel this urgency for it??? I'm still waiting for the answer...still trying to get the courage to hit delete.

Monday, December 2, 2013

I have been so very busy that o have not been able to post anything for such a long time.

I started off with around 35 boxes of Christmas decorations ( ridiculous i realize) I got rid of ten boxes after our move and just got rid of five more! The house we lived in before had a huge front porch and large white pillars inside the home. It usually took me a week to decorate it. I was grumpy and my children hated helping me carry all those boxes! This year if I didn't love it I got rid of it and then I revamped some things.....today I let the kids have a day off while we finish decorating and it's actually going to be warm enough to spray paint some things! This is how the house is looking so far!

Saturday, October 26, 2013

As we enter this season of holidays and celebrating the goodness of what God has done for us...many of us extend that to others that are less fortunate then ourselves. I know that in our own family we use this as a teaching tool to show our children how they need to be grateful for the huge abundance that we have here in America.

Our family does things a little differently, we bless in secret...we have our reasons for doing so...but that is what we do. We feel quite strongly in this and enjoy blessing and standing from the sidelines watching the family enjoy and having no idea who gave the blessing. We also enjoy doing it because I personally feel that when we give its a private affair...if you receive the praise of man I don't believe that God is pleased with your giving...however...that is my own personal feelings...but the other reason is because I have been on the side of receiving...and here are my lessons that are learned in that process.

My very first Christmas as a single mother to one little boy and my husband was buried only four months prior. The last thing on earth that I felt like doing was celebrating Christmas. I personally found all the joy and love...well frankly it made me a bit sick....but I had a little boy...and he needed to enjoy Christmas. So, the tree went up and looking at lights, and visiting Santa and all that happened so my little Trey could have some joy...then I had people start bringing me things....at first I found it confusing??? I lived in a nice apartment was able to provide for my son...I really didn't feel "needy" but they came...and I found it really really really hard to accept the gifts. I found it rather embarrassing...I guess you could say I was proud...and Yes I'm aware that that is wrong. Receiving is difficult for some...we live in a nation of "give me give me" and I'm not talking about those people. I'm not talking about the people that take what they can from us as taxpayers and their kids walk around with the latest and greatest technology and they complain because they don't live in a fabulous house etc....I'm talking about those that work and try to find work and can't...I'm talking about the ones who give their kids whatever they can and its still not enough...I'm talking about the ones who genuinely are suffering...its hard to sit down and receive the gifts that others bring.

Just remember this season when your giving to give with quiet, to give without show, to give with complete love..and to remember that it is so fun to give...but for some it is very hard to receive.

Friday, October 25, 2013

This week I have been able to really enjoy my true passions...which is soap making! It is so relaxing to make these products I simply can't explain it! Since we started the process of moving back in May the last time I made soap was probably in March??? Not exactly sure...but I was completely out...and def needed to make some for gifts this year and for soap baskets at our store...plus some of my best customers were asking:) That's always nice!

I tried a new one making it with real avocado and it smells soooo great! I also made my best seller coffee soap and another one with lemongrass and sage with blue swirl. Right now I'm using my Hawaii soap and loving how luxurious it is!

I also can't wait to start the study at our church with our college girls One Thousand Gifts!

Today I start the process of cleaning and organizing and putting projects together for our basement, garage and the painting of the laundry room!!! Next week more soap!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Its that time of year again! Oh my goodness how this year is FLYING by! I am still stuck in August!

This year I did not spend a lot...trying to be frugal now that we are in our new house...we are wanting to pay it off as quickly as possible! Since we were being frugal I think the party turned out to be one of the best! After the party my hubby and I started counting all the people and I had around 35!

For the food:
1. Homemade bread, my other breadmaker killed the last loaf:( thankfully a friend brought some bread:) I love friends:)
2. Homemade soups: there was none left! I made broccoli cheese soup, chili (using my dried tomatoes and homemade sauce) and my chicken rice soup of which they were scraping the bottom of the bowl:)
3. Homemade pumpkin muffins, banana bread with chocolate chips and apple crisp....I did buy cupcakes at sam's because...well I was tired:(

Here are some pics! The weather was a little chilly but oh how I loved the fact that the cornfield had not been harvested yet! Gave the best backdrop for pictures!!!!!