9 Insane Cases that Prove the US Legal System Is Screwed

Exhibit 4: Mr. Loophole (TM)

Lawyer Nick Freeman has legally and on record made a mockery of the entire judiciary. He's trademarked his nickname, "Mr. Loophole," so not only is he admitting he screws the system, that system is now legally obligated to protect his right to do so. Presumably his next suit will be, "The right to wave my dick in the judge's face is a fundamental civil liberty."

He's cleared people of speeding over 100 miles an hour based on laws from the days of the Model T, when the only way to get a car moving that fast was throw it off a cliff. He refuses to meet clients before proceedings in case he'd be compromised by any extraneous details they might reveal. Translation: "My clients are so guilty that I can't risk even being in the same room as them."

Even the blind are able to sense Freeman's douchebaggery

His high-profile clients include a soccer player who killed a father of four by ramming a Mercedes into his Renault. Luckily this was one case where Freeman couldn't derail due process by doing something like claiming a man with nine double-vodkas in his system was sober, arguing that needing to piss is more important than "the law," or accusing a magistrate of winking (all of which he's pulled off in other cases).

He proved his absolute lawyerality by once saying, "Morally, I can't (justify it), but ethically, I can." If that makes any sense to you then congratulations, you're either Buddha or psychotic.

Exhibit 5: Judge fucks up walking, the world must pay

New York State Supreme Court Justice Jack Battaglia slipped on a mopped floor and fractured his knee. As a respected member of the community and a seasoned legal professional, he completely understands the reality of the situation--and how he can sue the city for $1 million.

Wait, there's more. He's also suing the janitor. Yes, a $136,000-a-year judge looking to collect from the lady who literally cleans up after him ... because she got the floor wet while mopping it.

Battaglia defines a wet floor as "a dangerous and hazardous traplike condition," because as an experienced judge, he knows other judges aren't allowed to go, "Oh shut up you cash-grubbing asshole." They have to act like he's an entirely reasonable human being and patiently explain that the city did not ambush him with a bucket of water.

This same man could sentence you to jail

If it turns out this guy is living in the same Disney movie as Roy Pearson up there, then it's just a matter of time until some genie or angel or cursed bracelet causes him to swap lives with the janitor. After a few months as a minimum wage worker struggling to make ends meet while rich assholes prance around like the lords of creation, he'll gain a new understanding of the real values that matter in life. Then after that realization he'll wake up and still be a janitor, because fuck him.

Exhibit 6: Gambling lawyer sues casino for making her gamble

In a tragedy of retardation that could be given a soundtrack and entitled The Death of Personal Responsibility: The Musical, lawyer Arelia Taveras gambled with client money. In an unsurprising twist, she lost it.

In fact she lost over a million dollars, her legal practice, her home, her parents' home and claims she even tried to kill herself, so she clearly lost at that too.

Of course, none of it is her fault, which is why she's suing seven major Atlantic City casinos for a $20 million jackpot. Because God knows her last attempt to get money out of them worked so well. Since refusing to give money back to the losers is pretty much the foundation of the gambling industry, and they have large mountains of money to hire their own lawyers with, we don't like her chances.

Taveras with NY Mayor Bloomberg, who we're guessing is not taking her calls right now

At first, it's hard to know who to root for in this contest between two businesses based on weaseling money out of stupid people. But then you remember the casinos have a buffet.