Im in this small town; Im ending up much like the day I got here; alone! no friends! nothing! I know a few people from the 12 step groups Ive gone to; not much more; Its a closed place! you can sit outside the neighborhoods and be all alone; never see anything or anyone; its a closed place! .

.The people in this small town; the ones Ive met; typical little town like you see in the old movies! . I never fit in here! . However, strongly enough, I finish here much like I started! accept Im better off! Im alive..Where do I go from here; I dont know; I will work with God on this! God wanted to keep me alive; I had to deal with mental health issues; I still have them; Im more used to them now! . As for women; Nothing! . Ive never really known any women in this town; they've been closed off to those with more money! Ive been apart of nothing! ITs as if I dont exist! .So, I have to work with God and find out what will make me happy in my life! I assume their will never be any women! its a pipe dream! thats how I see it! I can continue to work on it! . Most of the women Ive met are stuck up; you couldn't get near them! . I never knew as a child it would be like this! . I have to remember; I have mental health issues and no one is interested in me! I couldn't work! Im not suggesting its over completely for me! However, Ive never had a girlfriend! Ive never had anyone take notice of me! and no one cares! . I do allot of thinking and imagining! Ive imagined that women like me; Ive imagined a whole world within my head! In the real world; non of this exists! no one liked me or saw me for who I am! Im not sure the people I thought liked me; Im not sure they were ever thinking about me in the first place! Im not sure they were ever thinking any positive thoughts about me! . I would see a women; she was attractive; she would come up and talk to me because she wanted something; I would assume she liked me! I would become defensive and ignore her! I would not trust her! later, much later, when I felt safe; I might attempt to say hello; but this time she writes me off! I may see her still, at a later date! I pull her to the side and talk to her! she's shallow and says nothing deep! later, I see her, she seems arrogant; and this is the women I think likes me! I have no idea if this women thinks anything of me! I realize; this women has not really shown any interest in me! In my mind; I want to create the situation that she does; in my mind! in reality; nothing like this exists; she's not a friend of mine; never was; never will be!

.Im finally coming out of this process and understanding where I am and what has happened; just another dissociate dream; Im lucky I have something to eat! .In this small town; Ive gone through therapist that through me away; no conscious about it; nothing! dont care! They think Im worthless or scum! welcome to small towns! .What I see in my head; others dont! Im in my own world! Im not accepted; Im not noticed! . Where do I go from here! I dont know! I have to work with God on this; use the laws of attraction! . Ive asked God; is their no women anywhere that could like me! no one? Ive called out to the universe to bring them to me; nothing! dry as an oyster bed! nothing! could the universe not find one person on planet earth that could like me! no one? .My social skills are not good! it takes me several months to get used to a person before I feel safe! its very hard in the beginning breaking the ice with someone! .I dont know any quality people! the people in the 12 step groups; I dont know them! not really! Im a stranger their! they dont know me and dont care!

.Ive gone to these recovery rooms for recovery; not socializing! socializing in these places never worked for me; I never wanted to be their; I had no other place to go! . I seriously feel like leaving this little town; Ill have to talk to God about it; I dont know where Id go! I have no idea! I have no family or friends! . Im trying to get over distant relatives that live in this town where I live; they are strangers and no friends of mine! They are sociopathic; at least one of them; the other is somewhere in the middle; they have no conscious if they ever see me again or here from me again; for them, this means they get more inheritance for themselves! .Maybe Ill be like and die before that! . However, I would like to be independent and do something with my life; be able to come back to some levels of stability and do something with my life! Ill keep working with God on these things! . With dissociative disorder, Im always mentally " out to lunch"; most of my judgment's of the world around me are done in my head; not in reality! . Judgements; I might think people have accepted me or like me; in reality; they dont even know me! Im making judgments from a distance! .As for women; Ive asked several women for phone numbers; no one ever calls back! its a game with them; or worse; they've always seen me as weird or mental and never had any intention of knowing me or liking me or dating me; no one! .I have to try to understand by working with God! Try to understand what this life is for! why Im here!