Her Name Was Beebe

I have been losing my mom, bit by bit, for at least the last seven years, whenever it was that Alzheimer’s first began its dirty work. I lost the rest of her this afternoon as I stroked her hair and told her how much I loved her. Jennie and I said good-bye as she took her last breaths, hopeful that she heard our voices, felt our caresses, and knew in her heart, if not in her mind, how much she was loved, what a good mother and grandmother she was, and how many lives she touched with her gentle spirit. We told her that she would live in our hearts forever, and she will.

Beebe clung to life longer than any of us expected, surprising two sets of hospice carers over the last 27 days as we kept vigil, first at the Alzheimer’s facility where she had lived for almost three years and at the hospice care center where she died. (Beebe’s obituary.)

I have made Beebe’s struggle with Alzheimer’s a public one. Sharing it has helped me deal with the grief and frustration of losing her over the years. It was also the only way I could think of to fight back. Connecting with others who walk along the same path has given me strength. Knowing that our journey has helped others cope has kept me going. Reading the comments you have written over the last month especially have given me comfort.

My job as personal advocate for Beebe is now over. The part of my brain that had to keep track of her safety and well-being, the minutia of caregiving, can now be filled with other pursuits. Although I will continue to fight Alzheimer’s in her memory, it is time now for me to reconstruct that memory, to focus on the woman who was my mother, not just on the woman who had Alzheimer’s and needed my care.

For many years I assumed the role of her parent; now it is time to switch back to being her daughter, to remember her throughout her whole life certainly, but to refocus my memories of her before the Alzheimer’s. During the last year I had to retrain myself to call her Beebe instead of Mom. It never felt right, but she simply forgot she was a mother and wouldn’t know someone was talking to HER. So, she was Beebe to everyone, including me. Now I can call her Mom again.

Mom was a hoot. She loved to make things, to grow things, and to learn things. She had a slew of friends from all walks of life who always smiled when they were with her. She loved to laugh. You just weren’t the same after you met her. I’ve spent the last six hours trying out all sorts of ways to share what she was like with photographs and comments and I’ve come to the conclusion that my family pictures and quaint stories are only fascinating to me and a few friends who love me too much to tell me otherwise.

So, I thought I’d take another tack. I’m sure some memories with corresponding photographs will ooze out in the blog in the months to come, but for right now I’ll share some phrases that have been in my lexicon my whole life, thanks to my mother. As they’ve popped out of my mouth these last weeks I was reminded how uniquely “her” they are, except that she probably picked some of them up my grandfather because my cousins pepper their language with some of the same Beebe-isms!

When Steve and I married they became part of his vocabulary. When Jen came along they worked their way into the next generation. I want to share them with you because just recalling has made me smile. Maybe you will too and when you pass them along you’ll think of the remarkable woman who gave them to me.

WASH YOUR PAWS: You’d want to do this before eating, even if you use silverware but especially if you don’t. Similar to WIPE YOUR PAWS, like when you come in from outside and your shoes might be muddy. Also useful for small children when crossing the street: “Give me your paw.”

TROWEL: Something you dry your paws on if you’ve just washed.

SHOVEL OVER: What you tell someone you want to sit next to when they are mostly where you want to put your butt. Could be a sliding over in the back seat of the car, on the sofa, or on the front stoop.

MAROON: A sad discovery of limited intelligence that could have been avoided had the person just not opened their mouth and allowed the rest of us to simply wonder.

STOOP: So incredibly similar to a maroon that they are interchangeable. Nothing, however, like a front stoop.

DESTRUCTIONS: Sewing patterns come with them, so do children’s toys that need to be put together. You’re supposed to read them before you start.

ORAFICE: The place where you work.As in, “See you later, I’m going to the orafice.”

SPOOM: The eating utensil that is next to your knife and near your fork.

BERSERK: What you get to eat if you finish all your vegetables.

STOMACH CAKE: A kind of berserk with frosting. If it is served in honor of your birthday then it comes with candles and maybe ice cream which you can eat with a spoom.

TOOKIE: Another kind of berserk. Many people like chocolate chip tookies.

FLUTMEAL: Named for the sound this breakfast cereal makes when it is cooked on the stove: “flut….flut…..flut.” (Not Cream of Wheat.) Flutmeal also makes good tookies.

HYSTERICAL MUSEUM: Like the Art Museum, but the displays are about events of the past.

That’s it for now. I’m not going to make it in to my orafice for at least a few more days so if you would like to share a comment, please do so here on the blog. And now that I’ve posted I’m going to reward myself with a flutmeal tookie, Mom’s favorite kind. As always, thank you for your kindness and compassion.

Ami, i am so sorry to learn of the death of your mother. I am very glad that you and Jenny were able to be there with her. In our tradition we ask that a person’s memory be a blessing, and i know that Beebe’s memory will be a blessing, not only to you and Jenny, but to all whom you have potentially reached and helped in your fight against Alzheimer’s. I know these last seven years have been very difficult for you. Thank you for sharing what you have been going through. May you be strengthened and comforted by the love of your family and your many many friends.

Ami, Big hugs to you, Steve, and Jen. What a lovely glimpse you gave us of your Mom. I truly regret that I never met her. Thanx for sharing her with us…the good, the great, and the difficult. Hugs, kate in neb

Ami, I see you there in her pic……*S* It’s a relief to be able to remember her this way now, isn’t it? That’s what I do with my own mom…..try to think back to the times she was really herself, before Alzheimer’s.

And, you know, Beebe and I share at least one of those isms……I always talk about reading the destructions before I start anything new. *L* I have no idea where that came from……our family also says “wiberry” for the place you get books. And when my dad answers the phone, he says Hecklo, for reasons you’ll figure out in a minute.

My heart and thots are with you and your family now; such a long struggle, but I’m very glad you could be there for her.

A Hoot extraordinaire….
so blessed to have had her touch my life…..and our to few but very memorable adventures- to have spent time with her alone in her home and her stories of her lifes adventures- her greenhouse…her sharing her life and art and craft with me…
A blessing I shall count again and again….a day of wonderment and joy we had walking the streets of Charelston…just her and I- learning to trust the winds to take our path and the delight we found around each corner- trying to keep her from getting her self from getting runned ober while stepping out into the street to get a better look…crying tears for the pain I know you feel…but celebrating in the woman that was Beebe.

I’m sorry for your loss. I know that you’ve grieved the loss of your mother many times, in many ways, and now is the last stage of loss. Hugs to you and your family.

The way you have described Beebe as she was is, quite honestly, how YOU appear to the world. Beebe lives on through the lives that she touched, and those that she touched the most were her family. You are also a hoot. You also love to make things, learn things, and make friends wherever you go. When you smile the world smiles with you.

Clearly, she did more than a few things right. :-D I know she will be missed by many people, but I hope you can find solace in knowing that you help to share her spirit as it is also a part of yours.

Oh my friend, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I feel so fortunate to have known her. What a smart, talented, delightful person. Many of her isms are spoken in our home (and our boys homes), becoming a habit early in the 80’s. Hugs, love and prayers to you, Steve and Jennie.

A million thanks, Ami, for sharing your Mom with us. And for the great picture in your blog. Such a happy picture to remember her by. You will surely have great memories to keep her close to you. I am sorry for your physical loss – it is quite an adjustment getting back to “regular” life, but I am glad that you had such a wonderful mother to keep within your heart forever. Hugs and blessings to you! Hang in there.

Dearest Ami ~ Sharing is always welcome, whether through tears or giggles, in good times or hard ones… Through AAQI, you have helped us become a wonderful community of caring and sharing with the opportunity to DO something in the face of a terrible situation while helping each other, no matter where we are in the journey.

You have beautifully captured the transition that is now underway in your life ~ and we are here for you and with you as you grieve and rejoice and move beyond where you have been. Take your time ~ we understand. Blessings to you and your family…

Ami ~ I am very sorry for your loss but glad that your Mom is now free. What a wonderful glimpse and picture you have shared here. Take your time and cherish your fond memories. Thanks for sharing Beebee with us.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts thru these difficult times and for now beginning to show us your Mom. The Beebe-isms are wonderful and this glimpse you are sharing of your Mom are very generous. Beebe sounds like she passed her joy of life to her daughter. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

About 24 hours after you and Jennie sat with your Mother, I was at my brother’s bedside on that same mission – same disease – same outcome – same feelings. We have followed a path parallel to yours over the last 7 years, and while I have not written before, I have bonded with you and Beebe, and have been grateful to know we were in good company. You have been VERY good company. Thank you.

Ami,
I wish I could have been there to give you a hug now and then when you really needed one. I lost my mother five years ago to Alzheimers. She was funny and pretty and loved everyone she met. As the memories and the intensity of the years with Alzheimers fades, I am left with the memories of Mom “before”.

Beebe raised an incredible daughter, and you have done amazing things with the Art Initiative to bring awareness and raise money for research. I’m sure Beebe is in heaven looking down, very proud of her daughter.
Love,
Jeanie

[[[[[[[[[[AMI]]]]]]]]]]
Everyone knows where you got your sense of humor. Beebe lives on through you, and we are all blessed to have access to your life. Thank you for sharing and for all that you do, both with Alzheimer’s and with quilting.
Wishing you many memories of who your Mom was.

You’ve have been much in my thoughts over the last few years as you’ve faced Alzheimer’s. My family has gone through it twice already and now once again battling it with my dad. Your fight against Alzheimer’s and all you’ve shared about your mom has been a great help to me and I thank you for it. Know that many warm thoughts and hugs are coming your way once again.

My dear Ami,
At this time of sorrow no mere words are ever enough. Believe that Beebe’s soul is healed and in heaven. Her life force will be with you always to give you strength for this and future challenges. She is very proud of her family and that will never die.
Love & prayer from Pati & Gay

Each new entry to your blog that I received in my in box gave me pause before I opened it. Although I knew what an entry would eventually say, I did not want to read it. I am so sorry for your loss. As with my mother-in-law, the loss started years before. My husband and I relived the time with his mother with each of your e-mails. Yes, it is time to remember the person Beebe was and rejoice in that. Her face shows what a remarkeable person she must have been. Our hearts go out to you and you remain in our thoughts. Please extend our condolences to your husband and daughter. Sharon

Ami, I am so sorry for your loss. My dear husband passed away in May and the holidays are hard. We all love you. I will keep you in my prayers. I loved the Beebeisms and printed them out to put on the fridge.

Hugs to you and your family. We lost my dad to Alz 6 years ago. He had watched my grandmother (his mother) go through it – 12 years, and he never wanted to put us through that, but, of course, he had no control over that. He only lasted a year after going to a care facility. It was like he knew, and didn’t want to prolong things. It is so much better to remember him before the disease. I have a wonderful picture of him laughing with my son at 15. They were balancing a book on their heads back to back to see who was tallest. Dad stood on his tip toes to make the book slant away from him. That wonderful, laughing picture is the image I try to keep of my dad. I hope you are able to concentrate on your happy images as well. I’m so sorry for your loss. Becky

I’m so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I enjoyed reading Beebe-isms… it’s funny how families have certain words that are unique to them. I for one would like to see more photos. Your mom was a beautiful person both inside and out.

Ami, I was thinking about you and your mom yesterday in church, knowing the end was near for her. Thanks for sharing some of the fun things you will remember her for. May our children take as good care of us as you did of your mom! Blessings and hugs!

Ami, you have so very much of your Mum in you. God bless you, Jeni and Steve. Your Mum is Beebe to the rest of us and I hope she is happy, laughing and dishing out more “Beebe’ism’s”. I thank her for you, and thank you for being you. Hugs to you all. Margaret

Ami, I so sorry for your loss. I’m happy you are able once again to think of Bebee as “mom.” I’ve enjoyed hearing about your mom over the years and even when her battle became harder. You have helped others learn how to deal with elderly parents and parents with dementia and Alzheimers. Thank you. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Like the others, I have kept up with your gradual loss of your Mother. I have “lost” friends to this disease, so I have an idea of what you’ve gone through. My prayers are with you and your family now, and in the future. I enjoyed your tribute and the Beebeisms. Laughter with the tears is what gets us thru these times.

Ami – you are amazing. I think that must mean your mom was too. I’m so happy she is “Mom” again for you. I recently heard that death is extinguishing a candle because the light of day had arrived. I hope that feels true to you for your mom. Finally, alzheimers has released its grip and she is free. You & all your family are in my prayers.

Ami, What a loving tribute you have given your mom .Thank you for sharing this journey with us and your loving memories of her. Claiming your mom back will help you through the grieving process, where you feel her physical loss but know that she will always be with you in your heart. My prayers are with you. Elaine

Ami – I have no words apart from “I’m sorry”. I’m sorry for your loss – not only for the physical loss, but also for the loss of what Alzheimer’s took years ago. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us, and especially the wonderful memories (and by the way – some of those Beebe-isms were part of my life too).
You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear Ami, I am so sorry for your loss. Once all of the immediate things have been attended to, I am sure that you will feel complete exhaustion. Make sure that you give yourself some time to rest and take care of yourself. You left a great tribute to your Mom, most family have some of there own words, it was fun to read yours.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do want you to know that you have helped me by posting your journey through the awful world of alzheimer’s both my parents are on that journey now. Again thank you and may the happy memories get you through these next weeks.

Ami,
Beebe is now free to drop in on whomever,whenever…and to be with you every moment.
In sharing you journey you have helped not only yourself, but countless others who read it and in doing so shared the strength given to you in your upbringing. Beebee’s legacy lives on through you.
My heartfelt thoughts and continued prayers to your and yours.
Give Madison a long tender hug…as you know, he misses her also.

Oh, Ami–I am so sorry for your loss, both recent and years ago. My husband and I are caregivers for his mother, who is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s, and we have laughed and cried along with you. What a wonderful woman Beebe was! and what a wonderful daughter you have been to her. Now it is time to be a caretaker to yourself, to heal your own wounds. Let the memories flow in, and soothe your soul.

Ami,
Every person is brought into our lives for a reason. Your mother gave you the strength, love, joy, humor, and most of all an all knowing understanding of life … and now death. You have made all of us aware of what Alzheimer’ can do to our loved ones. You showed us the love and patience that it takes to endure this. You Ami, gave us strength. Thank you. Thank you for sharing, Thank you for being you (your smile is your mother). How fortunate that you had her to teach you. With hugs, kisses, and tears…..celebrate the life of one of God’s angel’s.
Stephanie

Oh Ami, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a REAL hug, but I hope you can feel the ones I am sending. The picture of your Mom brought a smile to my face immediately. The resemblance between the two of you is amazing (and I’ve only met you once~in the bathroom at The Gem Theater no less). The Beebe-speak made me laugh out loud. You (and Jenny) will pass along the essence of your Mom to your own grandchildren and great grandchildren by using those words and tellling the stories that go along with them. That’s how we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts. Your Mom will always be with you. love you, debi

Ami I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am grateful that you had the moments when your mother was a bit better a few weeks ago to enjoy. Thank you for sharing your experience and all the good work you do for Alzheimer’s care and cure.

Ami, my sincerest condolences to you and all who loved your mom. The following poem helped me immensely when I lost my mom. I hope it helps to comfort you at this time also. God Bless!
Janet

“TWO MOTHERS”

I HAD TWO MOTHERS, TWO MOTHERS I CLAIM
TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE, YET WITH THE SAME NAME.
TWO SEPARATE WOMEN, DIVERSE BY DESIGN,
BUT I LOVED THEM BOTH, BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH MINE.

THE FIRST WAS THE MOTHER WHO CARRIED ME HERE,
GAVE BIRTH AND NURTURED, AND LAUNCHED MY CAREER.
BUT THEN CAME THE YEAR THAT HER MIND CLOUDED SO,
AND I SENSED THAT THE MOTHER I’D KNOWN, SOON WOULD GO.

SO QUICKLY SHE CHANGED AND TURNED INTO THE OTHER, A STRANGER WHO DRESSED IN THE CLOTHES OF MY MOTHER.
OH, SHE LOOKED THE SAME, AT LEAST AT ARM’S LENGTH
BUT SHE WAS THE CHILD NOW, AND I WAS HER STRENGTH.

SHE WAS THE ONE WHOSE FEATURES I BEAR,
COMPLETE WITH THE FACIAL EXPRESSION I WEAR.
SHE GAVE ME SOME MUSIC, WHICH FOLLOWS ME YET,
ALONG WITH EXAMPLES, IN LIFE THAT SHE SET.

THEN AS I GOT OLDER, SHE SOME YOUNGER GREW,
WE’D LAUGH AS JUST MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS CAN DO.
WE’D COME FULL CIRCLE, WE WOMEN THREE,
MY MOTHER THE FIRST, THE SECOND AND ME.

AND IF MY OWN CHILDREN SHOULD COME TO A DAY,
WHEN A NEW MOTHER COMES, AND THE OLD GOES AWAY,
I’D ASK OF THEM NOTHING THAT I DIDN’T DO,
LOVE BOTH OF YOUR MOTHERS, AS BOTH HAVE LOVED YOU.

Dear, sweet Ami….My sincerest sympathy to you and your family. I have thought about your Mom everyday since your last post, especially through last holiday week. When I saw your blog in my email this morning I knew that your Mom was now in heaven.
Thank you for sharing a little of her and that splendid picture of a very happy lady.
We are a product of our enviornment and I too use many words and expressions that were my Moms and Grandmas. How wonderful for you to have so many happy memories.
Take care, Ami…you and your family will be in my prayers.
Sandy in snowy Ohio

Ami,
A few years back I sat holding my mother’s hand as my (then 25 yearold) daughter sat at her feet. I could see the circle of life so clearly. someday it wuld be me in the bed, my daughter h olding my hand and my granddaughter at the foot of the bed.So much love….it couldn’t frighten me to think of death just then. Just the circle of love. And when I think of my mom now it’s with love and some longing to be able to tell her again how much I treasured all she taught me and how much of ME is really her. BeeBe, I know you felt the love and are thinking great thoughts in Heaven!

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Even when you know it is coming, it is very difficult to deal with. Take all the time you need. I’m sure that everything will still be there when you get back to it.
I think that remembering your mom as who she was instead of the Alzheimer’s victim is a wonderful way to help you heal. You have been mothering her for so long. Now you get to go back to being her daughter. Take care of yourself and take the time you need to grieve and rest. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you all. Rosemarie

Ami,
I am crying with you. You are so right to remember Mom now. You are the daughter grieving.
God bless you and surround you with the peace that passes all understanding until the day you are reunited with your mother.
I love you, Karen

My heart and Charley’s goes out to you and your family at this time. Your Mom was able to touch your heart and shape your life in so many ways and this should be celebrated by you and yours. That you were loved by someone like her is truly wonderful. Unfortunately for every bit of love we receive from someone, we pay in the end when we lose them with a piece of heartache. Yours will ache alot longer than some people’s but do know that you had some much love and fun that it all balances out in the end.

Give thanks for her existance and your being able to join in her life.

I know that I only know you through the internet but I’ve come to care a great deal about you and your family. I’m crying with you. I also want you to know that your struggle with Alzheimers has helped me to deal with my Daddys loss from this horrible disease. Hugs.

I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Thanks for such a loving tribute and lovely photo. I’m sorry too that I never got the pleasure of meeting Beebe. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Mary…….and many others here in the Fort Worth TX quilting community

I am so sorry about your mother. I lost mine 8 years ago and I still miss her dearly. Just remember she’s in a better place. you were such a good daughter for her and I believe she felt your love and kindness. Take care and try to have a good holiday season.

Ami, I echo all of the above comments. Vickie (Paullus) and Ken were here this weekend and then to our surpise our son, Scott and his wife Magali dropped in both Friday, Saturday and Sunday to spend time with their Dad Al who as you may remember suffers from that dred diease. It was great to have our little family close by and I always share your Blogs with them. Your love for your MOM and Alzheimer’s has helped me immensly as our family has started on this journey with Al. Thanks for all you have and are doing to find a cure.

So sorry Ami. Words can’t really express the depth of my sorrow for you and your family. I still miss my mother every single day after 15 years. Thank you so much for sharing so much of her journey with all of us. It has been such a tribute to her and an honor for us to be involved. Have a flutmeal tookie for me too. I need to bake some more.

Ami – my thoughts and prayers are with you! Losing anyone in your life is hard, but more so when it’s a parent. My Grandpa died after a struggle with dementia 3 years ago, so I understand. Take care of yourself and your family and enjoy the good memories you have of Mom!

Ami, I am so sorry to hear of your dear Mother’s passing. I lost my Mom 2 1/2 yrs ago and know how difficult it is to lose your mother. My mohter suffered from dementia which is not like Alzheimer’s in most ways but very like it in a lot of ways. I really missed the mother I had in my life for so many years when this “other mother” took her place but am now remembering her the way she was long ago. Good thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family today.

Dear Ami,
you spoke of your Mom at the swarm with love and sorrow and I am so sorry that your worst fears have come to pass. My heart goes out to you. Try to go back to a time before you were her cargiver, when she was your Mom and all was right in your heart….alzheimers was the same thief that stole my Mom’s mother, a wonderful tiny woman that loved to laugh, knit for the troops . She made rolls, bread and meals that still make my mouth water….I honour her every christmas by making her refrigerator cookies and my children make sure I do….my daughter in ottawa asked me a week ago if her xmas parcel was going to have nana cookies in it?…..your Mom will live on in your family traditions and although the wound is fresh now there will come a time when you will think of beebeisum’s and just smile…..God bless Ami, Penny from Canada

My sincere sympathy to you in your loss. You have been a devoted daughter and caregiver over the last years. I hope you will be able to focus on all the great memories of your mom before this disease took her from you. Please take care of yourself in the coming weeks.

Ami, I am truly sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. I know you will always remember her in your heart as the wonderful person she was and how much she meant to you and the family.

My husband passed away under hospice care where he lingered for almost a month. He passed November 13, 2008. He too will be missed so much and remembered for the terrific husband, father and grandfather. He was a kind and gentle man that I was lucky to have for 30 years.

Ami… Wow.. the outpouring of people is incredible isn’t it? How wonderful to have so many that care about you and your mom. It’s hard to think of it but, you have truly been blessed to have your mom with you for so long. Try to think about all the good in her life and not the struggles whe had with the Alzheimer’s.. That is tough though.. You have such a great spirit.. I admire you so much for that.. Take your time to grieve and always keep those wonderful Beebe-isms in your heart. My mom too is getting up in age and starting to get dementia.. It is so hard to see her not being able to think clearly. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through Alzheimer’s….. Take care and we are all here for you… Deepest Sympathy… Laura

As much as we miss them when they are gone, our moms are with their moms now, and remember everything, including how we loved and took care of them when they were still with us. They are now about their Father’s business – “I go now to prepare a place for you. If it were not so, I would have told you.” They will prepare a place for us for when we are together again. And the time apart will seem like only a moment compared to the eternity of the life after this one. Love you.

What an elegant tribute to your mother. It makes me wish I had known her. Just think, she is now in heaven and can remember EVERYTHING! She is with my mon, Jini, in whatever part of heaven is reserved for those who momentarily forgot, yet were never forgotten.

Dearest Ami, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Obviously, from your lexicon, I would have LOVED her! We cut tringles and wreck-tringles out of flavors of fabric, with our whizzy whackers. We make blox by reading the constructions (sometimes destructions). Our sewing machines are powered by the licorish cord in the wall, which you either plug in or plug out. Periodically we make zhitten for dinner, and if we’re feeling pretty, we wear our jool-ellery. No word escapes our hacking! The “our” refers to my dearest friend in the world, Suzie Sergeant, who also sends her love and prayers.
We wrap you in quilted hugs …. Patty

Hugs and know my thoughts and prayers and with you and your family! She was a special mother and person and has through you inspired alot of us! Thank you for your efforts also because of you i have learned and grown so much. You may have been her caregiver and so on but you never forgot she was your mother and role model! Your love for her shows in everything you do! As you go forward and grieve know that we are here and our hearts and prayers and with you!

Dear Ami and family, thank you for sharing this journey with us all the last years. We have all come to love Beebe and feel your loss in some way. But today as I read your note I was happy for you to have your Mom back again and regain the happy and joyful memories. Its been mentioned before but after all the work is done you will be exhausted and so drained. Forget the orafice and take time for you and yours to regain your spirits as Mom looks on. What a wonderful gift you gave her!

Prayers and thoughts to you and your family. Remember the good times before the Alzheimer’s took away the person you knew. I always do that for my mom who had dementia. There are many things to remember about the wonderful parents you had. Your mom and dad are still there watching over you and your family. You all will be in our thoughts every day as you have been over the years. Ilean from CA

Ami–
It is difficult to lose a loved one, and the prolonged lingering is so painful and exhausting. Be comforted by the fact that you did all that was humanly possible to make her last years pleasant. Know that all of Beebe’s best qualities live on in you. Be good to yourself.

So sorry to hear about your Mother. We lost a dear Aunt to Alzheimer’s 2 years ago. We often speak about her, and found it hard to see her disappear. Thank you so much for sharing Beebe’s life with all of us. You have enriched so many people with your kindness and sharing.

My deepest sympathies for you and your family on the final loss of your mother. I know you have said goodbye to her in so many ways and I think you are right that now you can enjoy the memories of your real mother.

Ami, thank you for sharing your mother with all of us. We all feel you loss and your pain. I am so glad that you and your daughter were there with her as she stepped into God’s arms. You look so much like your mother and we are glad that you posted her picture so we could see the wonderful person who raised you. My prayers are with you and your family. We love you.

Your Beebe must have been an extraordinary woman. One I would have loved to have known. How wonderful that you and Jennie were blessed with the gift of sharing her last moments. You and your family will be remembered in our prayers. Thank you for sharing this difficult journey with so many and giving us a place to use our own grief for the good of all Alzheimer sufferers and their families.

I sit here, reading about Beebe. I did not know her or you, but tears are flowing down my cheeks.

What a beautiful tribute you have written to your dear mother. The tears are for her and you, for the sweetness that appears in her photo on your blog, for the connection you had with her in the past and will have in the future. Best wishes to you and your family.

My prayers go out to you and your family in the loss of your mother. You have been a blessing to her – and I know she knew it deep inside, even though it may not have been visual. God bless you and keep on “fighting” for others

Ami and family…my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time…your post about Beebe/your mom is so heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time…thank-you for sharing her with us here through her final months, and for all the work you have done with your Alzheimer’s Quilt Initiative.

Grief is exhausting, so please take care of yourself, eat when you can, sleep/rest a lot, drink lots of water, and remember to breathe.

Your story of your mother has touched so many lives. Thank you for putting a face to the disease of Alzheimers. Cherish the sweet memories of the days before Alzheimers took your mother’s memories. I am praying for you and your family.

Dear Ami,
I was thinking of you just this morning as I sat and waited for Roger to come out of the OR after back surgery. It reminded me of the last time I was with Mother in the hospital and I thought of you. Peace to your heart from mine, Ami. You are surrounded in spirit by friends who have trudged this same path.
Beebe’s battle is over but the war goes on thanks to your determination to raise money to fight this monster. You know your Mom is watching over you still. Be kind to yourself.
Big warm quilty hugs,
Deb Sims

Beebe will be remembered also by people who never met her. Her dandelion fabric is included in a quilt I made for little Alice two years ago, and her elephants are part of a small bag I sewed for my daughter. I will think of your mom when I use the rest of those fabrics also, and I am thankful that she has once lived on this earth.

Ami: Heartfelt condolences to you and your family on the loss of your mother. No matter what the circumstances, there are few losses we suffer that are greater than losing “Mom”. She sounds like she was a wonderful person – and it’s easy to see who you take after!

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Alzheimer’s is a dirty disease that takes our loved ones away from us twice. First it takes their mind bit by bit and then the body.
It takes time to put them back together in our minds so that we may grieve for ALL of them.
It helps to be able to talk about our loss. If you want to tell stories about Beebe, happy or sad, PLEASE DO! It will help you and help all who read them too, to reflect on how similar yet unique each of our stories is.
There is comfort and strength in numbers and sharing.
God Bless you in all you do. Bonnie

Of course you will miss her! Time will let you remember more how she really was thanhow she became in the latter stages of her disease. Pull out those old photos and that will help the process. Be in the moment and grieve then laugh at things she did. Tell her stories. She has left quite a legacy in her offspring. AAQI is part of her legacy and you have done a tremendous job at getting the word out about this terrible disease. Do all you need to do. You’ll get through it with the help of family and friends, even ones you have never met like “us”. May your God be with you during this difficult time.

Good Afternoon Ami… Thank you for keeping us all posted on your Mom’s journey thru Alzheimers. It is so devastating to watch and so hard to comprehend. And thank you for all you are doing with the Alzheimer’s Art Quilt Initiative that will hopefully help those in the future who are facing the uncertainty of Alzheimers. God Bless You Ami. You are truly a wonderful human being.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I remember when Alzheimer’s took my grandma, and her sister two weeks (to the day) later. Most of their children and grandchildren had more or less resigned ourselves to the fact that they were gone long before their last breaths. Still, it was very hard for us.

If she’d been completely aware of the Alzheimer’s Art Quilt Initiative, I’m sure she’d have been very proud of her little girl!

If I were there, I would just hug you . . . no words . . . just a hug, and tears. Since I cannot be there, I send words (a very poor substitute for hugs). As I read over the comments that have been left, I am impressed with the outpouring of love and concern – and the sure realization of how many lives have been blessed by Bebee – and by you as you have shared with us your struggles and joys. I can see so much of Bebee in you – I know her spirit will live on in you and in those whom you touch. Thank you for your selfless efforts, as you have channeled your energies toward the search for a cure. You have raised our awareness, and given us an opportunity to join you in the fight against Alzheimer’s.

I pray that God’s certain comfort and sustaining grace will overwhelm you and your family in these difficult days, and in the days to follow. God bless you.

well, my dear Ami, you had a lovely Mother and a wonderful roll model for a happy, long life. I found that my father,who we also thought to have had Alzheimer;s had a few choice “isms” of his own, describing colors as sky blue pink, sky blue yellow, etc. when he did not know the names. Of course, he denied all knowledge of his back room language, even when we taped it and played it back to him! Some day some of these things will humor you as they do me, but in the meantime, grief the loss of your Mother as You should and remember the good things that she taught you. There are too many hear to mention. Good thoughts and peace to your spirit and your family members too. God Bless!

Sending many hugs to you. Take comfort in the knowledge that you gave your Mom the best care possible. Sharing your memories of her with all of us makes us feel a loss as well. Your stories have made her into a real person I almost feel I knew.

Ami, May the wonderful memories of your mother comfort you as you go through this time of sorrow. Thank you for all you have done for Alzheimer’s awareness. It is only through education that we can come to understand this dreadful disease. Bless you and your family.

As you have so often lately, you have made me smile through my tears. My sincere condolences to you and the family. It takes time to get through the pain. It sounds like you are off to a good start. So cry when you need to and laugh when you can – both are very theraputic. I suspect you already know that. May it be a comfort to know how many of us have you all in our thoughts and in our hearts.

Hi Ami, What a privilage to share your journey with your Mom. The picture of her gave me a start, I definitely see you in that face. I really enjoyed the “isms” since my Dad had many of them too. He has been gone for 23 years and we still use many of them. He loved to give my boys ONE cheerio in their breakfast bowl and tease them that that was enough. Oh, the memories. Thanks for sharing you are a very special person. Hugs from New Era.

So very sorry to hear about Beebe! You and your family are in my prayers, and if I lived in Michigan I would bring you a casserole of my famous chicken pot pie and peach cobbler for berserk! (You’re probably lucky most of us don’t live in Michigan, because I have a feeling you’d be inundated with comfort food & “tookies” from all of the people who’ve come to know Beebe through you, Ami. Bless you.

Damn it! I knew as soon as I saw your letter in my mail! It’s been a week or so since your last one. I thought of and worried for you over the holiday.

Emotions swirl, time is irrevelant. Eventually the pieces slow down and become manageable. The sharp pain becomes a dull ache which turns into wistful memories. (that’s how it was for me, anyway). Be good to yourself for a little while…give yourself time to just BE.

My sincere sympathies and prayers to you and your family. Having lost a beloved MIL to dementia 3 years ago and a FIL in August, I can’t remember when my husband and I went from being loved children to loved and trusted caregivers. The daily care, shouldered by home care services but never far from our reach, grew steadily but we became accustomed along the way to the weight of it. I wouldn’t trade one single minute of the time given. I never liked losing them bit by bit, but we was given “golden moments” along the way that makes us cherish the time spent with both of them.

Your public battle was a mirror image of so many who deal with caring for parents. Having gone just before you, I pray for REST for your body, mind and soul. Sometimes tears are the greatest relief. I also pray for the JOY that comes from their memory and legacy. Tears play a part in that also.

Ami and Family,
I have read several of your posting about your wonderful Mom. I haven’t kept current on them, as it was hard reading for me. I lost my Mom in January ’08, to this disease that takes our loved ones minds on this horrid roller coaster ride. It is with sadness, yet Joy, that I read your post of her passing. I know in my heart that she is in a much happier and peaceful place.
Thank you for sharing your Mom’s journey. Thank you for all that you have done to help raise funds for research and the public’s awareness of this disease.
Take care of you.

Ami,
I know your loss is great and time does heal. You will always miss her and catch yourself wanting to tell her something. You are the kind of daughter I hope that my children will be someday. Your strength and family will get you through. Look toward the future and move on with the Lord’s blessings. My sympathy to you and your family including Madison.
Love Sue

Ami, I am so sorry for your loss, but I am so thrilled for your Mom. She is free from the sickness that took her mind and took her away from you, even while she was still here. I have so enjoyed laughing at the humor and crying with the sadness. If there were no love, there would be no sadness either. What a blessing to have such an extraordinary Mom.

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your mother. It will take a while to process the long journey you’ve been on. I only say that because my mother died in April, and I am still processing. I recommend making an effort to remember the good times, the highlights, things your mom taught you, happy moments. I still had tears passing the See’s Candy kiosk yesterday, because it was her favorite kind of chocolate. Thank you so much for your efforts, and for creating a wonderful outlet for those of us who want desperately to help find a cure.

Ami, Did your Mommy know my Mommy?! I lost my Mother 10 years ago to a head injury that had very similar symptoms as Alzheimers. Your Mom made you strong so you will get thru this. She also made you funny and you will need your sense of humor as much as your strength. Peace of mind is the easy part because you know that right now, Beebe is teaching a new batch of angels all about maroons, spooms, etc. etc. Just one question: Did your Mom ever use the expression “You’re so dumb, your hair hurts you” If she did, then she must have known my Mom!!!! I hope they run into one another very soon. With Love……………..

Ami, I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the emotional roller coaster you have been on. Take your time getting back to all of us but know that what you have done in sharing your Mom and the work in support of Alzheimer’s research is very important to those of us who walk the same path you did.
Paula

My dear Ami: Losing a mother is not and will never be easy, but you have so many wonderful memories of her to take with you for the rest of your life. She left you with something else wonderful… I see your face in your Mom’s..and I’ll bet she was just as kind and giving as you are. I got tears in my eyes reading your post, having lost my own mother almost 20 years ago, not to Alzheimer’s, but to Lou Gehrig’s disease.. the process of the disease was not anything I would wish on anyone, but I remember her for all the good things she gave me in life and I know, just know that your Mom and mine are smiling down at the two of us from heaven.

I am so sorry for the loss of you mom. Alheimers is a terrible illness. It has touched my family as well. I lost my grandmother to it. She was a very inteligent woman who studied pre-med back in the 1920’s when women didn’t pursue such a calling. It was hard to see her go inch by inch. I truly understand your loss and I will say a prayer for you and your famliy.

Ami, prayers for you and your family and all of Beebe’s friends. I have relived the last years of my grandmother through your stories of your mother. Grandma taught me to sew, cook, crochet, knit and yes, quilt and what it meant to be a giving person. Thank you for sharing these difficult times. God’s peace and blessings be with all of you.

So sorry for your loss Ami, our mothers are just so special to us and we miss them so much. We also sat with my Mom after she suffered a stroke and was in a coma. It’s not easy sitting there but so necessary. God bless. jan

Ami, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey with us…..you so eloquently expressed what so many have experienced. Please take time to heal and recover…you and Beebe have together made a huge difference in this world. Nancy

Oh Ami, I echo what so many others have said – pausing and sighing before opening your latest blog, knowing that the end must be near, praying so hard for a peaceful death for your Mom once she was moved that final time.
But there’s something else, too, that touches me — and that is knowing not only what it feels like to lose a mom, but also to have that totally unconnected feeling – like a balloon that has been released. There now is no-one between us and forever! We are now the oldest generation. Even my husband (who still has his 90+ yr. old mom) doesn’t understand this.
It will take a long, long time to fully “release” her care, Ami. So many times you will say to yourself “I’d better call the nurse and check… oh….no, there’s no need. Oh, I miss her so much!” This is all a part of grieving.
Like others have said, I never met your mom but know what a delight she was to everyone who knew her – because of you.
Hugs from Mary

Ami, I am sure I am not the only one that felt we were going through this with you . I have cried along with your blog posts many times. . I hope that you could feel all the love and support that was being sent your way.
Its hard to lose your Mom but it sounds like you have so many wonderful memories.
You have also brought to many peoples attention a horrible disease and how devastating it is for the family. And how one person can do so much good. I know you had a lot of help but you started the whole thing.
Hugs to your whole family
Sheila

Ami, Thank you for sharing your Mom with us these past few years. I remember when you got to go to Washington DC and she made you buy new clothes – I always thought that was so cute. God bless you and your family.

You are so right, now you have your mother back. You have been her care-giver. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
Your mother will always be there for you in your heart.
Hugs and more hugs for you. Take all the healing time that you need. I have been blessed with your sharing.
Hugs from SC.

Ami, I am so sorry for your loss. When I lost my developmentally disabled twin sister to ovarian cancer, I made a quilt with pictures of her and all her crazy sayings that made my family laugh when she lived with us. “Oven calling you” when the oven timer went off is just an example. Her sayings are still said by my husband, kids and me 5 years later. It keeps her close to our hearts. You’ll keep your mom close in yours and she’ll continue to make you smile. Warm thoughts to you and your family.

Ami, After Daddy died in October, I kinda ‘adopted’ your mom’s journey and kept her in my special prayers. You and your family are in my thoughts and I will be praying extra for you tonight. Thank you also for writing about remembering her now as Mom again. I found that so helpful and will be putting that to good use. My love to you all, Diana Welte in Kentucky

I’ve never met you, but feel like I have through your wonderful newsletters, and have read about your journey with your mother. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you’ll find some healing, and rest. This was a beautifully worded tribute to her…thank you for sharing it with us.

So sorry for your loss Ami and it has been happening to you for some time but what a wonderful daughter your mother raised and we thank her for it. I appreciate all your sharing with us and all your efforts with raising money for Alzheimers research.

Ami,
The tears stream down my face partly in sadness for losing your mom, partly from relief that the journey fighting Alzheimers continues in a different direction and partly from the reality of family members living with Alzheimers. Prayers for each of you!

Wishing you and yours peaceful hearts in the days ahead. Your beautiful Beebe will always be with you . . . my mother died many years ago and makes sure to keep my bobbins full . . . it’s a lovely reminder when she does that especially since she taught me to sew.

Dear Ami…I, too, know you only through your newsletters and blog, but I have been following and admiring your commitment to your mother’s challenges through this heartbreaking disease. I, too, am about to lose a parent, not from alzheimer’s, but from heart stuff and accompanying organ failure. My Dad, now 90, has been a rock in my life, and I can really feel your loss. Thank you for being so open with your struggle; it gives me support through what I’m facing. I’m sending lots of love your way, and I’m so grateful for people like you who do so much for all of us, not only your MOM.

Ami,
I am so sorry. You did everything you could and more so.
Now, follow these directions:
1. sit on floor
2. call Madison
3. place your nose in Madison’s neck fur
4. cry all you want while hugging dog
5. people will think he’s had a bath and you’ll feel better
6. share dog with other family members
Hugs to you all
Chris Bowyer
ps Hope you come to Raleigh to speak to our guild soon.
Your replacement, Mary Stori was a hoot! She is a good friend of yours.

Ami,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My mother also passed away on Saturday. Thankfully, hers was a short illness. We knew her heart was bad, but we didn’t think it would go this fast. We celebrated her 93rd birthday about 6 weeks ago, and she was knew what was going on right up until Friday. My prayers are with you. Maybe our moms have met!!

Ami,
Thank you so much for sharing about your Mom. My Mom, too, had dementia that later became full blown alzheimers. She passed away in 1999 and I just want you to know that your tribute has brought back so many memories. My heart is breaking for you at this moment but I know you will find joy in the many memories you have made with Beebe. Thank you again for sharing.
BIG HUGS,
Wanda

Your mom heard you! And the next time you see her, she will be Mom again. You no longer have to worry whether she is lonely, scared, hungry, or needs a hug. She’s in good Hands, YOU are the one you should take care of now. It’s your turn.

May the Lord continue to bless you with good memories. She looks like a delightful person from her photo. My prayer group has concern over this theft from minds.
Our quilter’s were so happy to aid your project.

I am sorry to hear about your Mom. You have been very brave to tell your story. You will remember the times before Alzheimer’s came. I lost my Mother almost 2 years ago, she had Alzheimers. It is never easy. My prayers are with you.

I am sorry to hear about your Mom. You have been very brave to tell your story. You will remember the times before Alzheimer’s came. I lost my Mother almost 2 years ago, she also had Alzheimers. It is never easy. My prayers are with you.

Ami, my sincere condolences on the loss of your dear mom. You had such a great relationship all these years, you will never forget her. I lost my parents years ago (dad 32years,. mom 14 years ago). It’s never easy. Hugs to you and Steve and Jenny. Thank you for sharing her with us all -I only know you through your newsletters. Feel free to cry whenever you need to.

Ami,
Your mom will be remembered because her life (and illness) set you on the way to find a cure for this dreadful affliction. The breakthrough will come due to the money you and Beebe raised for research. I know it.
Such a good picture of your mom. You will remember her with that twinkle in her eyes.

Ami ~ I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your Mom sounds like she was a wonderful women. There aren’t any words to express my sincere sympathy. Thank you for sharing her and your battle with all of us and for finding a way to continue the fight. God bless you and your family.

Dear Ami, So many of us from all over cyberspace are sending sympathy and empathy. We loved your mom thru you and thankful that she is at rest. I am sorry it is so close to the holidays, that makes it even harder. I lost my mom on Thanksgiving Day. But we all hope you can draw on the hugs and love that we are sending you. Gather your wonderful family all around you(Madison too) and many memories will be remembered to bring spots of sunlight to this hard time. All of your quilting sisters love you and look forward to continuing to share with you! Love, Nancy

Ami, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother. I lost my mother two years ago on Nov. 27th. I know how you feel. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family. I know your wonderful memories will be a great comfort, too. Judy McNeel, Torrance, CA

Ami and family
I am so very sorry for your loss. Know that your mom is in a beautiful place and is well and vibrant and watching over you all, it helps believe me.
What a beautiful picture of Beebee you posted, you can see her inward glow, what a special lady she was.
Thank you for sharing “her” with us!
I will pray for you and yours that comfort and strength be given you.
God bless you all.
Sincerely
Jeannette Iacono

Ami, thank you so much for sharing your Mom, and all of your family (dogs included) over the years. You have no idea how much a part of our life you are, through your newsletters, classes, etc. Because of that, we ALL share your loss, and wish we could take away some of the heartache. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Take care.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and please don’t stop talking to us about your mom. I personally don’t tire of memories. I too lost my mom…she was 49. Those special memories that you share with others help us know and love you all the more.

Oh Ami, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Whilst this is such a sad time for you, you have so many beautiful memories to keep her in your heart forever.
June Hamilton
North Lakes Qld Australia

Many years ago I was one of your students at a quilt symposium in Armidale in NSW and you taught me how to use a thimble to quilt (I had very small fingers and you spent two days layering the inside of my thimble with nail polish so it would fit properly) – I will never forget that! You are a very special person.

Thank you for reminding me to remember my Mother as Mother and not just Lisa (her name) which she prefered to be called. How fortunate the quilting community is that you inherited such a whimiscal and fun sense of humor.

Ami,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. She is free and whole now. I also lost my mother to Alzeimer’s She became whole in 1994 after many years of dealing with Alzeimers. Thank you for all you have done to tell the world about Alzeimer’s

Ami. I am so sorry to hear of your lost I know that the few weeks will be hard for you. I feel as if I knew your mom through your stories and she will be missed by many. I will remember you and your family in my prayers during this rough patch in your lives. My God Bless your family and keep you all safe during this difficult time.

I know this is a difficult time for you but you are so blessed to have had this precious time with your Mother. You have been a good & faithful daughter and have no regrets. The memories & stories you have shared with the “world” has brought your Mother close to all of us and I appreciate you sharing her life with us…Thank you Ami

This little attachment is one that was sent to me after my Mother’s death. Please know I share your sorrow and hold you in my thought & prayers especially during these next few weeks. With Christmas approaching I know it will be difficult to “decorate” and celebrate but as my neighbor said to me that 1st
Christmas we decorate for our children …. and celebrate the birth of the Christ child. HE is the one who will carry you and give you peace.

You have been a good & faithful daughter and have no regrets. Now it’s time to take care of YOURSELF. Exhaustion will set in but remember it’s time for Ami now. Try to get alot of rest, eat, drink water and remember to breathe…take a deep breath & wrap your arms around yourself and feel the warm hugs being sent to you for those who care.

God Bless you precious Ami and may His peace surround you.
Warm hugs from Janice Martin in Boerne, Tx
(I took your Twisted Sisters class in New Braunfels at the Quilt Haus several years ago with my friend Jackie…lived in Kerrville, Tx then!)
Now sit back & enjoy this little message sent with love…..

YOUR MOTHER IS ALWAYS WITH YOU

She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.

She’s the smell of certain foods you remember,

flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.

She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well.

She’s the breath in the air on a cold winter’s day.

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,

The colors of a rainbow,

She is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.

And she’s crystallized in every tear drop.

A mother shows every emotion…

Happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love,

Hate anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow…

And all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life.

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us so many of the happy and sad times for you and your Mom…..it has reminded me of all the wonderful times shared with my Mom and I am thankful for all she taught me and the memories I have. Thank you too for all the work you both have done to benefit the world in the fight against Alzheimer’s. Her memory will live on………now take time to care for yourself and know that Beebe is looking down on you and smiling!

You and your family are in my thoughts. My sincere condolences to you. So many of your phrases are used in our family too. There are no destructions to mourning, you will figure out your best way forward I’m sure

I am so sorry to hear the sad news. Bebe will certainly be remembered and missed by all of us who had the honor of meeting her and all of those who knew her only through emails and newsletters. Most of all, my thoughts will be with you, Steve, and Jennie (and Madison), as you take time to remember and grieve and laugh.
My prayers are with you.

Dear Ami, Please accept my most hearfelt condolences. I have felt, over the years, that I actually knew your Mom from your posts, and I feel her loss with you. You once helped me find a support group, as I am the caretaker for my husband as he makes his own journey through the tangled mess that is Alzheimer’s. I will never forget your kindness. May God be with you and give you a sense of his peace.

Dearest Ami…
I understand. I just lost my Mom too. It’s beyond awful. :(
My heart goes out to you. Take your time…everyone will understand.
And it takes a lot of time.
Be well talented woman & find peace in all you have accomplished, what a devoted daughter you are & how very proud you made her.
With great respect & understanding,
Lynn

So sorry to hear of Beebe’s passing. Through your newsletter and the creation of AAQI, you made her a part of all of our lives. We will all miss her and feel for you, but be glad she has some peace now. Remember her when she was a vibrant part of life. Both you and she have made a difference and a great contribution to everyone who suffers with and because of Alzheimer’s.

Ami, thank you for sharing your life w/Mom. I appreciate your generosity. I especially enjoyed the “vocabulary list”. We also have “insider vocabulary” whick makes our family closer. Enoy the intimacy those words provide for you and your family. Hugs to you and yours, Caren in E. Central IL, Ilini Country Quilters.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should grieve, take as much time as you need and take care of you now. God bless you and all that you do.
Love
Chris

I love the photo of your Mom. What a great smile. You look like her, so she’s always there with you.
Someday, when you’re back to writing your blog, you’ll have to use maroon and stoop in a sentence or two so that we can get the full effect.
Also, after years of reading about Beebe, I don’t know how it is pronounced: BeeBee or Beeb or ? And how did she get the name?
Thank you for all you do.
With warm thoughts,
Laura

Dear Ami,
My sympathies to you and your family on the loss of your dear mother. Because you so lovingly and honestly shared her difficult struggle, I feel a sense of relief for her even though her absence from your life is so difficult . She was loved by a wonderful and caring family. You have already provided a lasting tribute to her with the AAQI which will someday provide an answer that will be able to stop the theft of our loved ones. I have fond memories of Beebe vending with you at quilt shows. May God fill you with peace and comfort during this time of sorrow. Jeanne

Ami, Huge amount of hugs to you and your family. You are doing a great job a revealing the silver lining to your Mom’s passing — sharing with us as you have on this journey. The good news is that her body is renewed and not how she left it here. So, she is celebrating the joy of you and lives on just as you said she would.
In my heart and prayers for healing. Allison

I’m sure your Mom is in a happier place where she knows everybody and has her old memories back. When your Mom was diagnosed, my Aunt (who was my mother figure) was in the midst of her struggle to make sense of the strange world around her. After a three year bout with Alzheimers she seemed to forget how to eat. She passed away gently in no apparent pain. It was so hard to watch this capable, loving person lose her identity. But my brothers and I felt we had had our fond farewells while she still knew us. I know she’s out there somewhere still telling me to stand up straight, not to end a sentence with a preposition, and NEVER to say “it’s me” when I should be saying “it is I”. I talk to her often, usually apologizing for not paying more attention to things she told me. Now that I am 65, I realize how wise people over 50 are!

So be gentle with yourself, Ami, and treasure the memories of Beebe. You can see the love, humor and caring in her eyes in the photo on your blog. It must have been wonderful to have known her.

{{{{{{{{{{{Ami}}}}}}}}}}} I am sitting here crying for you and for all of us who loved the stories about your mom and looked forward to hearing more. I thank you, thank you, thank you for being my example of how to be a daughter to such a mother. My mother has Alzheimers too and many times your stories helped me and encouraged me to see the humor. My mom is so far away that I have to try to have conversations on the phone and try to make her feel my love. One day she kept telling me she was fine except for all the “bones” running up and down the hallway. I finally figured out that meant people and I have had a good chuckle since then when I think of that. Just like I had lots of good chuckles from your stories. You have done a mighty task with the Alzheimer’s Initiative on top of your mighty task of daughter/care giver. And now your words about going back to being a daughter and respecting your mom’s dignity is a wonderful lesson for me again. I pray you are comforted in your grieving. God Bless you and your family.

Dear Ami, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father to Alzheimer’s 8 years ago this month. His progression followed your mother’s exactly. Reading your words brought back the losing, loving and accepting of my dad. I turned my experience into another career helping (advocating) for people in nursing homes. It has been a blessing for me. I wish for you and your family, peace. You have the love your mother gave you. Surround yourself in it and you will be well. Take care, geneva

Ami, my heart goes out to you and your family. We have all learned so much from your stories. I can only hope to live my life with the endless caring and patience that you’ve shown through your mother’s illness. Thank you for your wonderful example and determinatin to DO something about this disease. I’m going to go make an Alzheimer quilt to send you!
Paula

Dear Ami, Steve and Jen,
I am truly sorry for the loss of your mother. You have portrayed her as a warm, caring, funny individual who seems to have touched many people in special ways. May all her memories keep you company when you are missing her.
Ellen Gadow

Thank you for sharing. I’m so soory for your loss. My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimers and we are trying to figure out how to deal with it and still let her have her independence since she insists on it. Many prayers.

I am in one way sad for your loss, but also relieved that your days of watching your mother progress though that blasted disease is finally over. You are an inspiration to those of us who are walking in your path. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Dear Ami, Thank you for taking on the fight against Alzheimer’s while helping Beebe in her own fight to the finish. I see your smile in hers. I hope that time, family, friends and faith help you through these difficult days. There are obviously hundreds of us who would like to bring you a meal, bake a cake, or something to help – that is a testimony to who you are and I hope it brings you cyber-comfort.

So sorry for your loss. I know how tough the time before they pass away is. I lost my Mom to dementia. She really did enjoy her picture quilt. Sometimes I know it jogged memories for her. We talked about each of the pictures every time I went to see her. It meant a lot to me. Now they are at peace, but no one ever replaces your Mom. Hold your memories always in your heart….it helps a lot. Your Mom was lucky to have you for a daughter!

Hugs Ami. My mom’s Alzheimers Journey ended about the time Beebe’s began. The longer it is, the more “real mom” memories come to the forefront, and the more the “Alzheimer’s mom” memories recede. We too always read the “destructions” before beginning sewing projects, or anything else that came with them. My sincerest sympathies to you and your family.

I am SOOO sorry to hear about your Mom passing. I lost my Mom 4 years ago on Nov 30th, my husband’s b-day. A hard time of year to lose a Mom. My sympathies to you and your family. You are in my thoughts & prayers!!! God Bless You for doing what you do in the fight against Alzheimer’s.

Ami,
Blessings to you all during this time of transition.
I lost my mom when she was 52 and I was 22 (32 years ago)…so I envy gals who get to go on such a longer journey with their mothers, even if it includes the rough road of Alzheimers.
You gave your best and can remember her in peace and joy now…
Best Wishes,
Allie Aller

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds similiar to our family losing our Grandma to Alzheimers this past Oct. thank you for sharing your stories and your passion for the fight to fund the research.You have brought so much awareness ,community and funding for the cause. Your sense of humor is obviously a family legacy that will continue to comfort you in fond memories. My sincerest sympathies to you and your family.

I hope that you will continue to share after you get back to the “orafice”. I was in tears for I remember stroking my own Mom’s arms and holding her hands and your Mom sounds like someone I would have enjoyed knowing.

Ami, I so admire your last few years caring for the woman who loved you as a child and allowed you to love her almost as a child too! My own mother passed away a few weeks ago – very suddenly so we were spared the agony of watching her decline from that awful disease. But we miss her just the same – the void will never be filled but then how could anyone replace a mother – only my memories as you now have yours. Enjoy them, relive them and celebrate that you have them – in that we are so lucky! Thinking of you and including you and Beebe in my prayers

Amy, I also lost mom to Alzheimer’s. In our family we give an annual Cleata (her name) award. It is given to the person who made the most unusual gwip in the past year.
My son had new neighbors. DIL was telling that each was previously married and lost their mate. Both short in stature.
Another son stated “oh, she is widow, but he is widower”
He received the first award.
Laughter is healing and I chuckled at your Beebeisms.
Hugs to you.

Dear Ami and family,
My heartfelt condolences. Having been there…done that I know that you never forget your loved ones you just learn to keep those memories of them in your heart and continue on in life. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Regards,
Norma

Ami – my heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my thought and prayers. I know from personal experience it takes quite a while to “retrain” your thinking to know you don’t have to take care of your mom. My mom has been gone for almost five years now and I remember her as “mom” and as the wonderful, funny, clever person she was for most of her life, not how she was at the last. Thanks for sharing some of her special vocabulary. Wonder if they need “destructions” in heaven?

My heart goes with you as your life is molded into a new shape. I know the minutia of caregiving and I wish you great joy as you move into a new phase of your life. Remember
“Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.”
– Blake

Ami, thank you for the beautiful tribute to your mom. My church has just started a ministry to give respite to caregivers of family members with dementia. We have “parites” once a month where families drop their loved one off from 10:00am – 1:00pm. We plan games, sing alongs, crafts, encourage one on one time to sit and listen or give whatever care is needed (we have more volunteers than CarePartners) and serve lunch.

Another church in our area also does the same and we’re hoping more churches will follow suit in order to give more respite to the care givers. I plan on sharing this beatiful story with the volunteer group, In the meantime…

I wish you comfort and the memories of your ‘Mom’ Beebe for many years to come.
On Monday I received the news of my mom’s new journey during her golden years. I plan to be with her all the way as long as I possibly can.
Ami, you have so much knowledge to continue to share with us new initiates on this sad journey.
I hope you write a book.
Blessings,
Dcl

ami, please accept my deepest sympathy with your loss, and bless your mother’s release from her suffering. i loved to read how she played with words. my dad did that, and it forever tuned me in to listening to words, how they looked written, sounded spoken, and how, in a deadpan way, changing the word slightly could offer new meaning, double entendre and amusement. he’s been gone a long time. those fond memories helped keep him with me, and helped me heal from the rawness of grief. may your good memories of your MOM also comfort you. hugs, rosemary

Dear Ami, Please take time now to care for yourself, and to remember your mother in ways that warm your heart and soul. You took such care of her for so long and while accomplishing this you miraculously reached out to thousands of others by founding AAQI. Bless you and your family and the mother you loved so deeply.

Dear Ami, Thank you for sharing this last chapter of your mother’s life. I so relate to counting the seconds between breaths and just wanting to have another moment or two to touch and know that living hand. You have fought the good fight on behalf of your mother and countless others. Bless you for all you have done and will continue to do.

What a loving tribute, I’m sure your mother would be deeply moved and very proud of you, especially for your ability to communicate to complete strangers how very much she meant to you, and how hard it was to lose her day by day to Alzheimers. I wish you well Ami.

As a Hopsice caregiver I am so happy your mom’s struggle is over, honestly. I am indeed sorry for your loss, but so pleased your mom has been set free. And I have no doubt, she would want you set free too, which seems to be where you are headed, free to be a daughter loving and remembering her mother and breaking free of the grip of the long goodbye called Alzheimers.
I also have no doubt your mom knew more than she could relay, and she knew what a great and loving daughter you were for her. Much heartfelt love to you Ami

I thought you would like to know some of these are alive and well in the UK. We wash our paws and I write destructions. I gave up working in the orafice because of the number of things that were done for hysterical reasons. Drove me potty.

Yes I’ll remember your mum next time these come up. and I suspect I will be adoption some of the others too.

Ami,
You and your family are in my prayers. I also want to thank you for sharing your Mom with us. My Mom died at age 68 after an 18 year battle with cancer. It’s hard to believe that was seven years ago. I still miss her so much, but one of God’s gifts to me is that the memories I cherish are good ones. The Mom I remember now is “just” my Mom, who liked to listen to Johnny Mathis, sewed my Barbie doll clothes (didn’t really think she could make a quilt, but made teeny-tiny doll clothes LOL), wanted a grandSON so very, very much and by DGS #4 really wanted a DGD (even my brother had four sons!), loved country western line dancing, made the best cheesecake in the world, etc., etc. Yes, bad things happened TO her, but they did not define who she really was.

Of great comfort to her, and especially now to me, was Revelation 21:4, “He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever.”
May God, who holds you in the palm of His hand, comfort you and yours with His peace.
Barb

Dear Ami and Family,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss and know what you have been through. My Dad Glynne passed away almost 16 years ago and had suffered with Alzeimers for six or seven years before that. He spent the last 41/2 years in a nursing home where they took excellent care of him. My mum visited every day for quite a long time until the nursing home could see it was wearing her out. ?they suggested three or four times a week and as we are a big familt there was always someone of us visiting Dad.He was a great family man and lived for his family. One of the funniest things our dad did was go down the street to our local cake shop and select a few nice cupcakes. He usually had forgotten his wallet so the girls would just give dad the cakes and Mum would pop in and pay for them the next day. He also had been known to take his beautiful Labrador Goldie for a walk to get the daily nespaper and come home without her as she was still tied up outside the papershop. We had to laugh as we would send one of the grandkids off to get Goldie,if we didn’t laugh we would cry.Poor old Dad. We loved him greatly and I know what you mean when you say you were losing her gradually. However, I’m, sure all the wonderful thing that made your Mum who she was will always live on in your fond memories of her that you will continue to tell your granchildren. Take care and much love.
Joan Pettett

Dear Ami, my hugs and prayers go out to you and your family. It is such a release…with the sadness comes a peace knowing that now your mom is back to being your mom, not the way she has been in recent years… DO give yourself time, cut yourself plenty of slack. When my dad died at age 96, even though we expected it, it was still a real blow and took so much more out of me than I anticipated. Remember that we are all out here sending you hugs and love and white light, and rejoicing in your mom’s spirit, that lives on in you.
More hugs, Sarah

Your mom was a truly remarkable woman. She introduced me to gribbenas and all of the crafts of the “craft” club you started. I remember going home with you from Dewey for your Halloween party and your mom greeted us at the door disguised as a witch, complete with purple lipstick that she’d painstakingly mixed herself. I remember your mom driving us around in the Italian car (was it a Fiat?) with the open “sunroof”. We’d stand up and wave out of the roof. I thought it was really cool that your mom could drive a stick shift. And how many other moms would let their daughter have pet ducks? Your parents were avant guard before we knew what the word meant.

I’m truly sorry for your massive loss. Your mom was a treasure, and I’m grateful to have only the fondest memories of her.

Ami, My deepest sympathy to you and your family. This is one of the most horrific diseases. May God grant you the strength to deal with what must be done the next few months…and the peace that comes from knowing all is well with your Mom now. Keep those good memories alive by sharing with your family and friends.

Ami, blessings and prayers for you and your family. I too lost my mother to this terrible disease! Your descriptions brought back my days as her caregiver. She has been gone now for almost 15 years…I have such fond memories of her…she too was a crafty person and it was so sad to watch her lose her “zest” for the things she loved to do. We were blessed to have a wonderful Mother.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful mother with us. I have a few of her cards left, but many have gone to friends as “thank-yous” and “catching-ups”. I cried when I read about Beebe’s passing as if she was one of my friends. It may take a while for you to quit thinking, “What does Mom need from the drugstore?” or “Does Mom need any clothes while I’m at the department store today?”, but that’s OK. That just means that you put a lot of love into her, and now you get to remember all the love she put into you.
Best wishes.

i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. it is a release for her from a body and mind she didn’t know either. she is whole again as your first mother.
please DO let us know the things that were “her.” your pictures and stories. they are all our moms. your stories will remind me of my own mother who died in 2000. i still have tears thinking about her. she had lyme’s disease with similar symptoms as alzheimers, but they weren’t permanent. she wouldn’t know us one minute and be fine the next and knew she “didn’t know” when she “knew” again.
share everything important to you. it wlll remind me of something about my own mom.

Love and hugs to you and your loved ones. How fortunate you were to have such a beautiful and fun mother, and how fortunate she was to have you. These long term griefs are so tiring, may you now find peace. I lost my beloved 91 year old father just a year ago but I feel him still with me. Memories are a great blessing.

Dear Ami, my heartfelt sympathies to you and your family at this very sad times.
Thank you for sharing your mum with us all she sounds like she was a wonderful lady with a great sense of humour.
Sending prayers and hugs for you and your family, God Bless
Elly

TO DEAR AMI, STEVE AND JEN
MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU THROUGH THIS MOST DIFFICULT AND RELIEVING TIME. THE STRESS OF EVERYDAY IS GONE, AND NOW THE WONDERFUL MEMORIES THAT YOU HAD IN THE PAST WILL FILL THAT EMPTY SPACE.
KNOW THAT THE QUILTING COMMUNITY IS LARGE AND SUPPORTIVE….LOOK AT THE WONDERFUL JOB YOU HAVE DONE WITH THE ALZHEIMER QUILTS. I AM PROUD TO HAVE SUPPORTED YOU IN THE PAST AND WILL CONTINUE IN THE FUTURE. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO. THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE FROM YOUR EFFORTS,
QUILTINGLY,
WENDY

My heart goes out to you and your family. I work for such a hospice facility and know how calming it can be to the family. God bless you for being such a wonderful daughter. Those of us who get your newsletter all understand. Take your time to heal and regroup.

I haven’t gone through my email in several days. I scanned the inbox and saw Through the Eyes of a Quilter. I always hold my breath. I’m so sorry to hear of you mom’s passing. My prayers are with you and your family. Take time for yourself. You deserve it. We all can be patient as you grieve and heal.

Ami, My deepest condolences to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your mother with us — it kept the memories of my father closer to me. I’m honored to be part of your support group. My dad, too, used his own language. We have the New York Historical Society a few blocks from where I live and he always said we would be going to the Hysterical Society (probably because it was so boring, you had to laugh). Have some Tookies with a cuppa, and take your time healing. My prayers are with you and yours.

Dear Ami – I’ve been out of the loop a bit lately and didn’t see your post till today. I am sorry for your loss and pray that you keep the memory of your mom, while she was vibrant and lively, in your heart forever. May God grant you peace.

Dear Ami:
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. My mother, too, had Alzheimers. My father said it was called “The Long Goodbye.” My heart goes out to you, for I know how it feels to hold your mother, and she looks at you without recognition; and I know too the indescribable pain of loss when she is finally, irrecoverably gone forever, and all futile hope for a miracle gone with her.
Remember the good times; this will come easier as time goes by.
With love and care,
Jan

Ami, I’m so sorry to hear of your mother passing. You’ve had a long vigil. She is in a better place now. Thank you for sharing your mother’s story with us. It has taken me back through the last days of my mother’s life. We didn’t have to deal with Alzheimers, but she fought death from cancer. Your care and love made your mother’s declining years much easier, whether she seemed to realize it or not. She was a lucky woman to have you for a daughter. Take time to relax and care for yourself now. It will take time, but you will emerge on the other side. I love the way you are embracing your memories. It’s how we keep our loved ones alive.
Take care, we’ll be here when you’re ready.
Nancy

I’m so sorry to hear this news. With Alzheimer’s, you lose a loved one twice, each time differently, each time tragically, and your heart cries during the journey in a despair and disbelief that only God can comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I’m thankful that you are surrounded with friends and family who can be there with you in the weeks to come.

My heart sank when I read the blog, but I knew that BeeBe was at last free to be herself once again, a free spirit in every sense of the word.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. I am sure there were days it must have been more than painful to write. Watching a loved one pass before your very eyes is so terribly hard (I do know what you have gone through). Know that you, your immediate and extended family are in my prayers.

Ami So sorry for the loss of your mother. I too lost my father to alzheimers the friday before Thanksgiving. We lost him starting in 2004 but he also developed bladder cancer. Reading all the stories of you and your mother helped me get through these years with my Dad. Thanks and hugs to you in this time of loss. Love Barb

Ami, I am very sorry to hear about your mother’s passing.
It is not easy to loose our parents. My father passed very
suddenly some years ago but our mother lived to the ripe
old age of 91. She was alert and witty almost right up
until the end, it was her little heart that gave up on her. We were lucky to have so many of her childhood stories to pass on, and that our sons were able to grow up listening to them
and of course picking up some of the old fun sayings
that were so frequently sprinkled about in her
conversations. I got a kick out of the ones you shared
that came from your mother, use them always with
love and fond memories. We still talk about how amazed
my mother was on her 91st birthday, to think she had
lived that long, as her little eyes twinkled in the birthday
candle light she said over and over again, “I can not
believe that I am that damn old, are you sure I am really
91? ” She passed away a month later in the extended
care facility with hospice giving her wonderful care and
our family members beside her, and I still miss her so much
but wow…..those memories are the best. ;-)

Ami, I know how sad you can be for losing your mother so gradually to this terrible disease. My mother died a few years ago after 12 years of Alzheimer’s. I couldn’t be with her as much as you were with yours. I know both mine and yours are in a place where they are whole and loved. You can take solace in how attentive you were to her; it helps to remember the happy times.

As I quilt here in Rhode Island, I remember all the tips you shared in the class I took with you in San Diego years ago.

Dearest Ami,
My thoughts and prayers go with you and your family in your loss. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your experiences with the rest of us. I’m sure it hasn’t always been easy, but, believe me, our hearts ached with you and for you during this journey.

Having lost my own mother a year and a half ago (dementia from causes other than Alzheimer’s, plus small strokes), I think the best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself, and allow yourself time to grieve. There is no time limit on grief, you know–it can hit you at any time, as I have been learning.

Ami, I admire your patience and thoroughness all these years, brought with a dose of humor [desparately needed at times!] Bless you, bless your family, bless your Mom’s soul. She is once again at peace, her mind and body no longer warring with each other. Take your time adjusting your life.

Dear Ami,
I am touched by your comments about your mother and how you are reclaiming her. My mother died over two years ago and I am still reclaiming her. It’s been hard for me to reclaim Mom because I’m still not sure when I began to lose her. It was such a gradual process and I was so slow to catch on to her dementia that my real Mom and my diseased Mom blend together. I do know that with time my memories of my real Mom become sharper and I am able to feel her love and interest in my life. As close as I am to other people, my mother was the one person who was totally interested in me and my life and I miss her terribly. Thank you for sharing your personal story and for AAQI. My thoughts are with you.
Gail

Bless you and your family during this time of grief. Try and remember the good times, and not dwell on the painful ones. I suggest a family dinner, making all of the dishes she was most know for, wether they go together or not, this helped my family more than anything.

Found a message from Rod relaying a message from Bud. I went looking for a card — no deal, but I did find notes (Italian no less) covered with red poppies. I don’t know if you we aware of your mother’s smuggling days when she brought back Italian poppy seeds in her bra and enouraged me to do the same. The poppies around your early childhood home were ala Romana. So many wonderful and always humorous memories are evoked when I look at poppies, cats, and fresh fish in the market — obviously among things. A wondrous wealth of warmth and womanhood to the nth degree. It’s richness will keep the best of Beebe with all of us.

If you look up the word “spirit” in the dictionary, there should be a picture of Beebe.

She truly touched us all with love, humor, warmth, creativity, and smarts. A huge presence in the family. She will always be remembered by us extended family members. I consider myself a very lucky person to have known her.

hi Ami,
Thank you for sharing your mom, your family and your feelings with all of us. We have learned a lot from you and your family.
Love and patience are vitues hard to come by.
Sorry for your loss, Ami, but I Iknow your mom is in a better plce.
Hugs,
Julia

Ami, I was saddened to read that you have lost your beautiful mother. I’ve been touched to read in your newsltters of the lovely way you cared for her and did things for her, you have been a wonderful, loving daughter. I lost my mum 33 years ago and I wept when I read what you wrote, memories of her came back, then I laughed at her phrases. That’s life – laughter and tears. I lost my husband recently, and am still trying to cope with his loss. Someone told me recently “let go of the grief and hold on to the memories”. My sincere sympathy to you and your family
Hugs

My dear Ami, words cannot express the sadness I feel over the loss of your mom. I read your description and see all the love and affection you had for her and I know she is smiling down at the wonderful daughter she raised. It’s not easy to say goodbye, but it is only the shell that is gone. Her spirit will long live with you, only it will be the good memories. Having lost an Aunt to that @#$#@ disease, I can imagine what you and yours went through and my heart goes out to you.

Please know you are not alone and that you are being encapsulated by thousands of arms as they all send comforting hugs and lots of love. To you and your family, once again, my condolences over your loss.

Dear Ami
I’ve just come here for the first time because I was reading the article about you and Beebe in the American Quilter [ it’s probably been out a while in the States I guess but my copy arrived today ]
I add my condolences to all those that you’ve received.

Dear Ami
I was so sorry to hear about your mother. I just lost my husband of 40 years to a heart attack. He also had dementia. I was his care giver for the last five years. I too was facing having to put him in a home. I thank God I didn’t have to. I know your pain and will keep you in my prayers.
Donna

I just now read your blog and learned the news of your mom’s passing. My heart goes out to you and your family. When I read, “Mom was a hoot. She loved to make things, to grow things, and to learn things. She had a slew of friends from all walks of life who always smiled when they were with her. She loved to laugh. You just weren’t the same after you met her.”, all I could think of was, “You are your mother’s daughter.” You will keep your mom’s spirit alive because it shines through you. You even look like your mom. I love the joyful picture you chose to include on your blog. Thank you for sharing her journey.