Would you Adam and Eve it?

No sooner was the ink dry on my post, than Ms Raccoon was proved, both satisfyingly and depressingly, right – yet again.

It is all OUR fault. Us. The web.

The establishment is circling its wagons to protect ‘the free press‘, you see:

On the whole, journalists are highly intelligent, amusing and frequently idealistic.

Decent coves, to a man, but sadly led astray. What led them astray was:

People are getting their news from different sources – principally the profusion of electronic media – and there seems to be no stopping the erosion in support for traditional papers. Every year, every month, they are losing ground to blogs and Twitter and Google News; every year the internet eats more destructively into the business case for old-fashioned journalism. That is at least one of the reasons why some journalists have been driven to behave so disgracefully, squawking ever louder, no matter how erroneously, in the hope of being noticed.

See what you’ve done? By talking amongst yourselves on the Internet, you’ve starved those decent coves of their rightful income. Forced them into dishonest behaviour that would never have occurred to them before. Made Adam and Eve partake of the apple. It would have been alright if you’d just gone on nattering to yourself in the pubs and workshops of the country, so long as you had continued to shell out your 5op for a copy of ‘Sam’s tits’ and Kardashian’s latest ‘heel caught in a drain pipe’ exclusive. But you couldn’t do that, you put your words into print and left them with a 40% decline in revenue.

Poor media, forced by circumstance into a life of crime. Now the establishment are in full cry to alleviate those circumstances. They don’t want to lose their cosy relationship with the media, a relationship that they have some hope of controlling, so they are intent on dealing with the ’causes of crime’ – the Internet.

Theresa May was quick out of the blocks this morning. Anyone who opposes regulation of the Internet – a matter both discussed and dismissed by Lord Leveson in a brief 12 pages out of 2,000 – will have ‘blood on their hands’. Yep, support the free Internet, and you will find yourself personally responsible for the next terrorist outrage, every incidence of paedophilia right back to Richard III, the death of doe eyed policewoman, and probably the demise of Sooty and Sweep. It must be true, it was in our wonderful free press that the establishment wish to protect, written by one of those decent coves that made Boris Johnson wax lyrical this morning.

Just in case you still haven’t taken on board that you really must give up your Internet freedom, Francis Maude was out on the airwaves this morning, telling us that you might not have any electricity to cook the Christmas dinner by if you don’t let the government take control of the Internet – cyber terrorists, nasty foreigners all of them – are the biggest security threat we face, apparently.

The ‘blood on your hands’ theatrical and emotive piece was penned by the same decent cove who was at pains to point out that the 100,000+ petition demanding that the press be regulated by Ed Richards, was actually signed by an assortment of ‘Donald Ducks’, Mickey Mice’ and Supermans, and thus not really representative of what the public wants.

Ed Richards is one of Gordon Brown’s old henchman from the Damian McBride office of media control. Labour failed to get him in place as Director General of the BBC, so now they are very keen for him to control the print media. So keen, in fact, that Ed Miliband has said that if he is not allowed to win the cross party talks on media control by Christmas, he’s going to take his ball and go home. Not playing any longer.

So there you have it – either we get Gordon Brown’s old media relations unit running the printing presses – our new holder of the moral compass, Hugh ‘blow job’ Grant’s preferred option; or Murdoch’s shower win and shut up the Internet to save us from paedophiles and terrorists, and protect the media from our dreadful influence.

Since ‘we’ seem to be the Christmas Turkeys, I shall be quite glad if there’s no electricity to roast us by.

If we’d just stayed chatting in our pubs – if we could have that is, if they hadn’t forced them all closed – and telephoned each other to relay the latest gossip, d’you think they’d have been trying to ban the telephone? I mean, it’s not as though paedophiles or terrorists ever use the phone is it?