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Friday, June 30, 2006

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I have learned to start being more open with my story (1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18, so telling your story can open up someone else who has never been able to tell theirs before!).
I am part of a message board, or forum, for survivors.
I regularly write my elected representatives to promote pro-child legislation.
I even have a bunch of links in my sidebar to check out if you are a survivor or you have a loved one who is. (or even just to find out more-it never hurts to raise awareness!)

And, now, I am doing this. It is pretty exciting for me because I have just started embracing the "artsy" side of me, which until recently was pretty much non-existent, and this appeals to that as well as another chance to get it out in the public that this is happening everyday. I just got my hand-print kit in the mail today, and I am hoping to get it done this weekend sometime. I will take a picture of it before I send it in and post it.Does this post win some type of crazy award for having the most sentences starting with the word "I" in the history of blogging? Just Wondering!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Recent events mixed in with a conversation with Jessie have had me thinking, and then Pamie wrote something that made me think about it some more---"It takes a very certain kind of person who can just decide complete strangers at a coffee shop are now going to become her friends." She expressed it so well - that is the kind of girl that I was always jealous of.

I will never forget in seventh grade I switched schools for the first time in my life. The first day was so strange for me. The new school was so different from my old one and everyone seemed to have known each other for years. I felt like such an outsider.

Well, I decided that this was my chance....my chance to start over and be whoever I wanted to be. To pick out new friends that didn't have any pre-knowledge of me.

But instead of walking in that school and just making friends, I decided to wait it out and watch and see who I wanted to try to make a connection with, and figure out a way to get accepted by them and be part of a group.

Of course that didn't work out too well. Instead I just didn't get up enough courage to talk to anyone. And once I did decide who I wanted to be friends with I couldn't think of anything to say to start a conversation (and when I did have occasion to talk to one of them, I spent the rest of the week over-analyzing what I said and how stupid I was for saying it...and it probably was stupid, because I had a whole week to think about it since that person wasn't having any more conversations with me) and by the end of the first couple of days everyone had established their friend groups...

.......and I was on the outside watching. Trying to figure out how all of these people seemed to instinctively know how to start conversations and be immediate friends with each other. That has never come naturally to me--it might have in the pre-sexual abuse days, but I didn't seem to carry that knowledge with me.

I finally did make friends that year....and eventually some pretty good ones, but in the back of my mind with almost every relationship/friendship I have ever had I felt like the second guy in Pamie's coffee shop experience "that means this girl sat down and made some people change their plans for the day to become temporary friends. Or maybe not. Maybe the guy who isn't a waiter can't believe how lucky he is that this girl started talking to him. Maybe the other guy is jealous that he's mostly listening to the conversation. Maybe he wishes he could go back to his book." Of course, sometimes that book really is more interesting, but when I am honest with myself, usually, that book is just safer.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Socks and Flip Flops are just not okay....let me repeat--not okay!! Socks are fine and flip flops are beautiful (and always my personal footwear of choice!)-but put them together and it is just wrong.

I had this conversation with my husband just the other day and it was not for the first time, either. If he keeps trying to sneak out the door this way I am going to have to nominate him for a "Sandle and Soxer Award". Okay...I know-these people have way too much time on their hands!

I was born in the southwest, lived for a while in Texas (sort of south-mid-west, I guess?) and lived the rest of my life in Florida (but not southern Florida-the panhandle, near Alabama)--why I come up with only 15% Dixie and 0% Midwestern, I don't know. What does your profile say? Does it fit you?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

1. My husband still says to me, "What exactly is a blog? I don't even understand that word-I mean who came up with that?" I have patiently tried to discuss the idea of "weblog" with him, but to no avail. He says the word makes him think of what happens when a spider bites you....I told him that it worked out well for Spiderman.

2. Today I told him I was going to do a Thursday Thirteen and he said that I should come up with thirteen equally random and ridiculous words to replace the word blog and see if one of them catched on, and then he gave me some silly examples....

3. So, who wants to start calling their blog a "Peko-Peko"? (He says this is the name of a bird in his Star Wars Galaxies world...what that has to do with a blog I don't know!)

4. How about this one....."Piddle-Paddle"......come on....... anyone?? I know that you are just dying to tell all of your friends "I have a Piddle-Paddle site, you should check it out sometime." .........Well, at least it would keep you from having to endlessly explain what exactly a blog is!

5. Talking about blogs, this was one funny post I read recently...I was "laughing my butt off!"

6. Adventure in potty training #679,001-last night my daughter told me that she couldn't poo poo in the potty because the poo poo was sleeping.......where does she get this stuff??

7. Did you know that Skittles makes gum now? It is strangely addicting-and it accually tastes just like skittles.

8. Sometimes I do online surveys, and I have been asked over and over if I order groceries off of the internet---do people accually do that on a regular basis?

9. I know someone who lives in an 8 foot tall, fluffy, invisible tree.....You don't believe me? Well, he told me he did. What? Have I seen it? Of course I haven't seen it--it's invisible.

10. Did you know that Nestle just bought Jenny Craig? Now when you look on the Nestle web site it says a bunch of stuff about how they are dedicated to nutrition....I for one always thought they were dedicated to chocolate, but that may just be me.

11. Did you know that if you Google search "Tracie" my blog comes up on the first page??

12. I have only met three other Tracie's in my life that spell their names the way I do.

13. While I was sitting here typing this up I heard a popping noise and saw this screw fly off of the side of my chair and then the arm fell off.........I think it is time for me to buy a new chair!

Monday, June 19, 2006

A couple of weeks ago during Wednesday night service some of the sermon points really hit home.....about going through crisis situations or depressing situations. I wish I had them here with me, but they are in the other room right now and I am just too lazy to get up and get them, but for now let me summarize it--

Talk to a trusted friend.Don't "hide" from people.Ask friends for help.Ask God for help.

So here I am with an inbox foull of emails to respond to (you know who you are....). Not even bad emails or people I don't like, but nice, fun emails from friends. But some of these are two weeks old, and I just can't seem to hit "reply"--

It isn't even a crisis or depression-just hard to respond. Falling back into a pattern of avoidance and hiding for no good reason. My logical side knows that when it is the most important to reach out is when it seems the hardest, but sadly my logical side has been overruled by that other side-the one that likes to hide and avoid. So, here is a step in the right direction....I am going to click on "publish post". Maybe emails will be tomorrow.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

It is Father's Day. Not much to say about that. I have seen several blogs today with beautiful tributes to dads.My husband asked me if I wanted to see my father tomorrow and I, of course, said no.

Last year was wierd because we were just "not talking" or whatever that is....maybe a better way to put it is I was freezing him out?? But skip forward to this year and the confrontation has already happened-and I feel different. No more up in the air-no more "what-if's" (mostly)-nothing more to say (on my part). And then Father's Day comes and what to do..... There is something wierd about it. It isn't that I want to see him at all. But I want to see my dad-the dad I should have had. The dad he never was-so maybe that is sort of like a "what-if" after all. In a lot of ways I just feel numb about it. I have forgiven him and have gone through so much healing.....but when he reacted the way he did when I confronted him...I mean I expected it-I really did expect it, but I still hoped for something better. For a relationship. I don't know how that would have happened, or what exactly it would have looked like, but there was that part of me that wanted that. And now it isn't like we just aren't talking or I am freezing him out (and really the current situation is totally a product of his actions) what it is really like is that I just don't have a dad. And some days I wonder how I am going to explain that to my daughter when she gets old enough to ask why that is, and I just don't know what to say to her.Good thoughts for this day:Happy Father's Day to my husband, Thomas. He is the best dad ever........and that isn't just me saying that about him-our daughter says so too!

Friday, June 16, 2006

You know that "Next Blog" button at the top of Blogger blogs? That one that just sends you to some random blog? I have to confess-I am an addicted "Next Blog" button pusher. I just can't help it. I will be sitting there, minding my own business reading someone's blog (or looking at the comments on my own) and then all of the sudden it will call out to me:

"Tracie, Tracie, come on you know you want to know - What blog will be next? Come on, Tracie, just once. You know you can't stand not knowing."

*Don't laugh at me-you know your computer talks to you too. Even if no one else in the room can hear it but you!*

So today I gave in and let myself click on "Next Blog" over and over and over. Then I got sent to a blog that didn't have that thing on the top and so I went back to the last one I was on and tried again-I got a blog with the precious button on it and kept on clicking.

At one point I had twelve blogs in a row that were in languages that I don't understand (not too hard considering I only understand English, but still it was interesting.) I came across this blog which was interesting. And I kept on going. Some more blogs in languages that I don't understand....and then I kept begin sent to blogs that were just squares instead of writing....maybe it is my computer or something, but I promise you there would just be squares and occasionally the random letter. Weird.

This guy is talking about how he can't be shoeless-I for one love to be shoeless. I would do it all the time if I could-but since I can't I just always wear flip flops. I was the happiest person in the world when they started making flip flips high heeled so you can wear them as dress shoes...I love flip flops even more than I love clicking on "Next Blog".

The thing that I noticed is that a lot of people are writing about the World Cup--even in blogs that were in different languages I could make out stuff that I knew related to the World Cup. I haven't watched any of it myself, in fact I know basically nothing about it. I am pretty sure it is soccer, right?? I think I could like soccer, so, anyone who knows about it--who should I be pulling for to win?

And a random note--I am the worst speller in the world, so I try to remember to spell check, and would you believe that Blogger's spell check didn't recognize the word "blog"!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

1. This is my first Thursday Thirteen. I have been trying really hard to think of an impressive first topic to do...
2. I wanted to do thirteen things about how last night I had one of the most annoying theatre experiences ever, but I think I can cover it in one--XMen 3, someone brought a two year old to the theatre~enough said!
3. I thought about telling you thirteen things that I like to do, but I couldn't get away from blogging and reading blogs long enough to have other hobbies!
4.Okay-#3 isn't completely true-I like to read books too!
5. I own a lot of books (I used to work at a bookstore) In fact we just moved recently and based on the boxes of books that my husband had to move, I bet he would tell you that I own 13x100 (1,300) books, and that wouldn't be much of an exageration!
6. I also watch a lot of movies--in fact I have often thought that I might have obsessve-compulsive-DVD-buying-disorder.......in case you havent' been diagnosed with this I will let you know that it means that I can't walk by the DVD section of any store without buying a DVD!
7. The last DVD I bought was Chronicles of Narnia~The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe!
8. Chronicles of Narnia is also a set of books that I own!
9. In fact C.S. Lewis is a favorite author of mine!
10. I also love Francine Rivers!
11. I read a lot of childrens' books to my daughter-right now her favorite one is all about counting butterflies and learning colors--all of the butterflies are glitters and pretty!
12. Yesterday my daughter asked me if I could fly like a butterfly-sadly, I had to tell her no I couldn't. She told me that she pretended that she could and she would tell me how to do it!
13. I love to fly on airplanes....but my husband can't stand it. My daughter has only done it once, but she was too little to remember-but I have lots of pictures of her doing it!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The saddest thing about summer....the re-runs. In other words-no good, new tv.

I am already missing new episodes of The Office-I love this show. Last week they didn't even show reruns, just four episodes of Earl-yuck! My first season DVD is loaned out to some friends so I don't even have that to fall back on, hopefully season two will come out soon.

Gilmore Girls--this season wasn't as good as past ones, but it still has to rate as one of my favorites. Besides I have spent six years of my life hoping that they will let Luke and Lorelai finally get together (and stay together) that I can't give up on it now. I just hope that this new CW Networkwill be in my area without having cable-right now I get UPN and WB locally, so I am hoping that one of these channels will turn into CW (I wonder what will happen to the other one-what will it become.........?)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

I just joined blogging chicks and thought that you should all know and be excited with me...yeah!I do want to say that all of us chick have been screened and none of us should have anything offensive, but I have yet to check out every single blog, so just in case here is a disclaimer--I do not write all of these chick blogs and I don't have the ability to control those who do. (and honestly controlling all of those people's lives would be a full time job, and I am just too lazy to do it, so read at your own risk!)

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Was anyone up at 2 or 3 am? Were you watching tv? Because I was and I have to say that I have been noticing something lately. Late at night instead of good tv there is, of course, infomercials....annoying at best. But in the last year or so I have noticed that what actually happens is that different versions of the home shopping network take over normal daytime channels.

Ahhh the home shopping network. You never know what they will be selling (with only four minutes left before the item is gone forever never to be sold anywhere again!) It could be clothes - which always puzzled me because I honestly can not buy clothing without trying it on - or electronics, or whatever new make up and skin care line Susan Lucci is sponsoring these days....buy not anymore! No, now there is a new craze that seems to be taking over home shoppers everywhere---Money! That is right. I watched 2 hours of them selling various collections of money before finally falling asleep. (I do have a life-I promise!)

There were these exciting two dollar bills with red marks and blue marks and green marks that had thirteen cent stamps and postmarks on them. It was the wierdest thing....I just want to know who it was back in 1970 who put stamps on uncirculated two dollar bills, took them to the post office to get postmarked, and then kept them in their closet in mint condition for thirty years before turning hundreds of them over to the home shopping network to sell. For $300 dollars you got three of these stamped ones and six two dollar bills with stars on them with a few ones thrown in..........

And dimes! They were selling one pound of some sort of special dimes for $400! Is it just me, or does something not add up here?

Then they kept saying stuff about buying them and putting them in your closet for ten years and never touching them so they won't get scratched and they will be worth something. If I pay $400 for a pound of dimes they had better be worth something now-not ten years from now.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

This will be a special story for everyone who read my post about the snake. My husband took my daughter to Toys R Us this week and let her pick out a toy. Sounds pretty fun and harmless, right? But what does my precious daughter immediately pick out? A foam sword! They proceeded to grab two of them in the middle of the store and start having a sword fight. It was so much fun that he bought her both of them !

So as you can guess, my day today was filled with lots of sword fights. She is accually really good at it-I think that is because her favorite movie right now is Peter Pan and she has just been waiting for someone to buy her a sword so that she can be just like Wendy. On an up note I guess that swords can be useful....I can just think of it as safety training to combat water moccasins!

Friday, June 02, 2006

My husband likes to play Star Wars Galaxies. He goes to this internet cafe because we have the slowest computer you have ever seen since the 1970's at our house. The internet cafe is very little and cluttered with many random things--one of which is a bunch of swords. (I couldn't tell you why, maybe it is in case a computer acts crazy they can take a sword and hack it to pieces-I know that I have wanted to do similar things to my computer over the years)

So, this morning he walks out the door and looks down to his feet and sees a big snake.He was looking for something like a rock or something to have in his hand while he investigated it further, and grabbed one of the swords......he walks over near it and discovers that it is in fact a three foot long water moccasin! He quickly unsheathed the sword and hacked it's head off.One of the guys there looked at him and said "man, isn't star wars galaxies enough excitement for you?"