Archive for Recipes

Sometimes, you come home from the bar and know you are going to be sleeping alone because by the time you got up the nerve to talk to the hottie of your choice you were too drunk to make any sense.

Now, you are home alone and worried about being hungover and not able to do shit the next day.

In that case this recipe is for you. You’ll have to air out your bedroom the next morning, but the beans will soak up the booze and you’ll wake up with no hangover symptoms except having to take a massive poo.

But, that’s a fair price to pay for beating back the hangover blues.

Step One: Make sure you always have these ingredients at home. A can of beans. A package of hot dogs. Shredded cheese. Some shitty wine and a bottle of Worcestershire sauce.

Step Two: Turn the dial on the stove about halfway around. Do not skip this step or nothing will get hot. Really.

Step Three: Cut up the hot dogs into tiny pieces.

Step Four: Dump the can of beans into the pot.

Step Five: Stir in the hot dogs.

Step Six: Wait until the beans start to bubble.

Step Seven: Shake a bit of Worcestershire sauce into the pot.

Step Eight: Pour yourself a glass of wine. Drink half the glass and pour the other half into the pot.

Step Nine: Stir until it bubbles again.

Step Ten: Turn off the stove. Again, this is important because you will pass out shortly after eating and you don’t want to burn your house/apartment down.

Even a drunk bachelor can make haute cuisine once in a while. Particularly if he has an easy recipe that doesn’t cost too much.

This one is good because it seems all fancy smancy but really requires roughly 30 minutes of your time.

Of course, you’ll have to go to a decent butcher shop, but I think most of you live in cities that are big enough to support them.

The main thing to keep in mind with this, my Honey Quail recipe, is not to over purchase. Quails look tiny, but their meat is really rich. Most big guys are full after eating two of them. Most sane people are good after one or one and a half.

Anyway, this recipe assumes you are cooking for yourself and a date.

HONEY QUAIL

Step One: Purchase four fresh quails, a jar of mustard, butter, a jar of honey and boil in bag rice.

Step Two: Put a stick of butter in a small pot. Then pour most of a jar of mustard in the pot. Then squeeze the honey about six or seven times into the pot.

Step Three: Put the pot on low heat and stir the honey and mustard and butter together while it melts.

Step Four: Turn the knob on your oven about two thirds of the way around.

Step Five: Use a spoon to ladle honey mustard sauce over the quails until you have them covered. This should use roughly half the honey mustard.

Step Six: Cook rice.

Step Seven: Put the quails in the oven for 15 minutes.

Step Eight: When rice is done, mix the rest of the honey mustard into the rice.

Step One: Purchase a loaf of bread, two pounds of cheap ground beef, eggs, a large jar of cheap ass tomato sauce.

Step Two: Turn the dial on your over two thirds of the way around. Do this first. Really.

Step Three: Wash your hands.

Step Four: Throw the meat into a bowl. Crack two or three eggs into it.

Step Five: Rip up five or six slices of bread and throw them into the bowl.

Step Six: Dump two thirds of the jar of sauce into the bowl.

Step Seven: Put one shake of every spice you have in the house into the bowl. Also add three shakes of worchester sauce if you happen to have a bottle of it around.

Step Eight: Stick your hands in the bowl and mush it around until it starts becoming one solid mass. Then shape the solid mass into a loaf shaped item.

Step Nine: Open the oven door. If you have been following this closely heat should emanate from the oven. If not, remember to turn the dial on the oven two thirds of the way around and wait 10 minutes.

Step 10: Put the loaf like object onto the oven pan. Then pour the last third of the jar of sauce over the loaf like object.

Sometimes, as a bachelor, you not only have to cook for yourself, you have to cook for someone with a vagina.

Because face it, while you’d like to take her out to dinner, sometimes you are broke. Plus, when you take her out to dinner you still have to talk her back to your place afterwards. If you cook for her she’s already there.

And that’s a good thing.

So, here is a good date dinner that’s way easy to cook, but is also sorta romantic.

Step One And A Half: If you got the chicken because you didn’t know if the girl would freak out about being served veal, you need to take a knife and cut the chicken into thin pieces. The veal cutlets should be the right size when you buy them.

Step Two: Crack two eggs into a bowl. Throw three shakes of worchester sauce into the bowl and stir it all up.

Step Three: Put the breadcrumbs onto a plate spread out.

Step Four: Dip each cutlet or chicken piece into the egg/worchester sauce mixture and then into the bread crumbs.

Step Five: Put oil into the pan. Throw some thyme and rosemary into the pan with it. Turn oven on to a fairly high heat.

Step Six: Put each cutlet into the oil one at a time. Turn them fairly quickly so none of the bread crumbs stick to the pan. Squeeze a bit of fresh lemon juice onto each towards the end.

Step Seven: Put cooked cutlets onto a plate covered with paper towels so the oil can soak off of them.

Step Eight: Put about 250ml of the white wine into the pan, which should be filled with oil and stuff from the cooking. Squeeze whatever lemon juice you have left into the pan as well and stir it all together. Once it boils, turn down to low heat.

Step One: Purchase three or four boneless skinless chicken breasts, Boil In The Bag Rice, a jar of Dijon mustard, a 16 ounce can of cheap beer, rosemary, thyme and either sugar or honey (depending on which sweetener you prefer.)

Step Two: Cut the chicken breasts into squares.

Step Three: Throw oil in a pan. Throw some of the rosemary and thyme into the bottom of the pan.

Step Four: Make sure your stove is plugged in and turn it on.

Step Five: As the oil starts to get hot start spooning the chicken chunks in. Stir them around until they start getting brown on the outside.

Step Six: Pour the beer into the pan.

Step Seven: Pour the jar of mustard into the pan and stir the mustard and chicken around for a while.

Step Eight: Mix in either a tablespoon of sugar or squeeze the honey bottle three times into the pan and stir it around.

Step Nine: When the mixture boils, turn it down to low heat and simmer for about 30 to 40 minutes. You’ll know it’s right when the concoction looks more like sauce than carbonated beverage.

Step One: Purchase a box of macaroni, two bags of the shredded cheese of your choice, a garlic bulb, a small bottle of cheap white wine and some butter.

Step Two: If you are in America buy some cheap smoked ham from the deli and cut it up in small chunks. If you are in Europe purchase a package or two of lardons.

Step Three: Throw some oil in a pan. Break up the garlic bulb and throw that in the oil.

Step Four: Turn on the stove. I can’t stress this point enough.

Step Five: Throw the ham or lardons into the pan and stir.

Step Six: After the ham or lardons have cooked enough (Rome Girl likes them crispy, but you can really do this to your own personal taste) pour about 250ml of white wine over the ham/garlic concoction.

Step Seven: Turn heat to the lowest possible setting and let wine/ham/garlic simmer for like 30 minutes. Stir every so often.

Step Eight. Cook macaroni in boiling water.

Step Nine: Drain macaroni. Put half a stick of butter and one of the cheese packages into the pasta. Stir a bunch.

Step 10: Pour the wine/ham/garlic concoction (do real cooks call this “stock?”) over the macaroni and stir a lot.

Step 11. Pour the second package of cheese into the macaroni. Stir some more.

Step 12. Let entire thing sit for like 15 minutes so the cheese can become less hot and stringy.

Step One: Purchase a kilo of cheap cubed beef, a package of potatoes, two 16 ounce cans of guinness, two cans of peas and a garlic bulb.

Step Two: Put some form of oil in the bottom of a pot. Break up the garlic into pieces and throw into the oil.

Step Three: Turn on the stove. This is important. I’ve forgotten this step in the past and wondered why the garlic was not cooking.

Step Four: As the garlic browns throw whatever spices you may have in your kitchen into the pot. Like a handful will do.

Step Five: Dump beef in. Stir it until it is brown on all sides.

Step Six: Dump potatoes and peas in.

Step Seven: Pour one and half of the cans of guiness over the food. Chug the remaining half can of Guinness.

Step Eight: Stir concoction until it boils. Then turn the heat way down.

Step Nine: Wait five hours. If you are listening to music, stir after every eight songs (every two if you are listening to Pink Floyd’s early albums.) If you are watching television stir after every episode.

Step 10: Eat.

Note: You can also dump some Worchestire sauce and sugar in during the five hour wait depending on your personal taste and if you remembered to buy either product.