Who knows why certain celebrities give interviews to magazines about topics of which they know very little. My guess, in this instance, is that Aubrey Plaza’s publicist was like, “Hey! You need some publicity, and Bon Appetit is offering it. Would you interview with them?” I’m sure her response was a very sour, “Sure. Whatever.” And then she stared lovingly into Andy Dwyer’s eyes.

Anyway, the interview went as you might expect an interview to go with a woman who is pictured eating a bowl of cereal. She admits to a love of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cap’n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, and Spaghetti-Os. In other words, she reveals why she is the perfect woman. But for whatever reason, the sameness of Plaza’s brand of quirky, sour indifference seems to rub some people the wrong way. Like Vince over at FilmDrunk, whose irrational hatred of Plaza is his only known weakness. Or, say, Ritch Duncan, over on Dumb As a Blog, who vivisects the interview because he’s missing a chunk of his soul.

BA: You grew up in Delaware and moved to New York for college. What food did you discover in NYC?

AP: Katz’s Deli was a big thing for me. I grew up in a suburban Irish Catholic community. There wasn’t a lot of pastrami. Or latkes. Or matzo balls. I mostly ate SpaghettiOs with chopped-up hot dogs in it.

Duncan’s response:

Rich Duncan: So, you went to one of the best food cities in the world, dug deep, and found.. one of the most popular delis for tourists in New York. I guess we’re not getting the Spaghetti-Os recipe?

OK. This response is fair. You don’t name-check a tourist-y destination if you want any food credibility, but come on? She’s from Delaware. She eats Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Next question:

BA: And now you’re a big-shot actress. You’re in a new movie that co-stars Bill Murray, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III. Did you guys share any meals together?

AP: Yes, one dinner. It was one of the most special meals I’ve ever had.

BA: What’d you eat?

AP: It was Greek–some kind of fried cheese thing. I don’t really do dairy, and he said, “You’re gonna eat this. And you’re gonna eat it right now.” I was like, “Anything you say.” Because anything Bill Murray says, I will do. He’s the king.

OK. This is where Rich Duncan lands his hardest blow.

RD: You know milk is dairy, don’t you? You JUST TOLD US that all you eat is breakfast cereal. There’s literally a picture of you with milk running down your chin accompanying this article. Do you know anything at all?

LEAVE AUBREY ALONE. I will not have you disparaging Aubrey Plaza and her food ignorance, even if all your points are sound, damnit.

But here’s the unfortunate kicker, and the reason Rich Duncan is so rightfully outraged: Bon Appetit did not go into this interview blind. They knew she didn’t no sh*t about food, and chose to run this piece anyway. They interviewed her LAST YEAR where she ALSO prattled on about apples and almond butter. Also, Yoga. GOD. Way to ruin your reputation as the world’s best girlfriend, Aubrey.

uh, yeah, and as for the milk in cereal bit… HAVE YOU FUCKTARDS BEEN TO A GROCERY STORE IN THE LAST 10 YEARS???? There are literally 10 times as many non-milk/milk-like products as there are kinds of actual milk – like tiny milk section followed by GIANT FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE AISLE LONG ALMOND, SOY, WHEY, WHAT THE FUCK EVER NOT MILK PRODUCTS.

Do you really think someone who a year ago prattled on about almond butter and yoga drinks cow’s milk on her Cap’n Crunch? There are other kinds of milk, you know, like almond or soy or that sweet nectar I gently caress out of your mother’s saggy bosom. Do you know anything at all?

except that lactose free milk is still dairy. but you maybe right… “I don’t really do dairy” could be a veiled reference to the fact that milk with out lactose is not really dairy. Hence further proving she knows shit about food and that Rich Duncan, by default, is an ass.

AP: Katz’s Deli was a big thing for me. I grew up in a suburban Irish Catholic community. There wasn’t a lot of pastrami. Or latkes. Or matzo balls. I mostly ate SpaghettiOs with chopped-up hot dogs in it.

Duncan’s response:

Rich Duncan: So, you went to one of the best food cities in the world, dug deep, and found.. one of the most popular delis for tourists in New York. I guess we’re not getting the Spaghetti-Os recipe?

Reading comprehension failure.

There are two ways to read this that don’t involve having one’s head planted far up one’s ass.

One, she grew up eating SpaghettiOs with hot dogs. I don’t know many people who didn’t do this growing up.

Alternately, she was a college student trying to survive in Manhattan. College students are poor as fuck, you entitled twat stain. The college ramen diet is well-known for a fucking reason.

The onus is on the publication, and the editing of the article. They chose to make it a feature, and they chose the subject. At least she answered honestly, and didn’t commit three random Alton Bronw recipes to memory before the interview.

It’s interesting that in the second paragraph, Ritch Duncan’s first name is spelled “correctly”, but then he’s “Rich” for the rest of the article.

Anyway, I’m guessing our girl Aubrey isn’t going to sweat a post from a guy that blogs for truTV. That channel is nothing but clip shows of people falling down manholes and hot air balloons exploding, right?

so, what you’re saying is that you don’t actually watch Parks & Rec, right? c’mon, there’s no way you’ve watched more than 2 episodes and would say that. More likely, you watched the half an episode 2 years ago, and that’s it.

Nope, vince is right. I’m a huge parks fan AND an Aubrey Plaza fan, but outside of random episodes where they have her act like an adult for a brief moment, she’s an almost unredeemably one-dimensional character.

A minor gripe: why do so many men describe their dream girl as one who turns her nose up at a healthy lifestyle (loves Cinnamon Toast Crunch and eschews yoga) when, for 99.9% of the population, there is no way in hell you have a body like Aubrey Plaza’s without being at least a little bit health conscious? Do you want the looks or the who-gives-a-fuck attitude? Cuz ya can’t have it both ways, son.

I know it’s possible, but my point is that it’s very rare- the vast majority of people who look like Aubrey work at it. I suppose I just fail to understand why it’s more desirable to have a “fuck it” attitude and look like that than to achieve it through eating reasonably and working out.

And for the record, I’d bet good money that Aubrey Plaza puts in her fair share of time at the gym and keeps the crappy food to a minimum.