This week brought news of a new magazine dedicated to all-American adolescents at the ultra-conservative end of the political spectrum. Now, you might wonder: what makes the target audience of The Conservative Teen different from your run-of-the-mill, apple-pie eating boy or girl next door? Well, the publication – which seems to be authored entirely by neocon adults – has some answers for you. Let's start with the cover.

Being a Conservative Teen – we'll keep the caps – sure looks different than being a regular teenager. Conservative Teens appear to be the ubermensch of this age group — blonde-haired, fair-skinned specimens chiselled from perfect, Germanic stock and dressed for a day of casual yachting. Unlike teenagers, they seem to have overcome the gangliness, the uncertainty and the acne which tend to characterise the most awkward years of human life. Maybe because they have transcended these developmental hitches and hiccups without so much as zit, Conservative Teens do not find themselves as weak and left-leaning as teenagers.

Deconstructed a bit more, we get the sense that they do not rebel – because Conservative Teens find no need to. After all, they are the John and Jane Galts, the future CEO industrialist militants, of America. They are the tall poppies, and no rock concerts, clove cigarettes, or leather jackets – no "moochers" – will mow them down. Conservative Teens don't look like the kind who would seek strength in that romantic, "be yourself" kinda stuff; there's no neon hair dye, piercings, or punk for these straight-shooting kids (perhaps they have already been strong since birth, having had to work themselves up from their bootstraps, and protect their hard-earned wages from liberal teens, upon exit from the womb).

It's not a stretch to say that Conservative Teens probably reject these rabble-rousing rites of passage, too, finding them fiscally irresponsible. Judging from the headlines, available on other websites though Conservative Teen has crashed, the text of the contents goes along with this not-so-subtle subtext.

"HOT AIR & COLD FACTS Of Liberal Media Bias"
"Welcome to the DEBT-PAYING GENERATION!"
"Why the Unborn Need Our Protection!"
Plus the bonus feature: "Why Abstinence Works."
Inside, we quickly learn that Glee — which is so innocuous a series that it's unwatchable — is "innocent fun outside, hardcore social liberalism inside."
Ronald Reagan, as it turns out, was the US's first black president!

And government is to blame for poverty. Here's what being a Conservative Teen is really all about, plain and simple: it's about being a conformist, life-hating adult in a spry, youthful body – an impossible ideal that's nearly as unconscionable as the people who promote it. Contrast this with what being a teen should be all about, or at least as I remember it some four years ago: fun and rebellion.

In some respects, teens are quite lucky: they are old enough to do a lot of what they want, but young enough not to be burdened by expectations and responsibilities. They can be daring with minimal long-term risk. Teen life is so fun because you can get away with watching a horror movie marathon, toilet-papering a house on Halloween, or skinny-dipping in a neighbour's pool. With a handful of exceptions, you can break the rules without ruining your life.

At the same time, teens inhabit an uncomfortable realm – between burgeoning maturity and annoying parental control. So they tend to clash with their mums and dads because they want independence. If they were raised on Bach, they'll blast the Beastie Boys. If they grew up on red meat, they'll go vegan. Conservatism is inherently opposed to the mildly reckless spontaneity and rejection of conventional mores that must be present in healthy teenage years. To promote a paradigm that backs tradition and conformity when context demands the exact opposite seems like a futile, if not harmful, effort.

And what would happen if a teen actually tried living up to the Conservative Teen ideal? Much as mags' cult of thin can make normal-weight young women feel self-conscious, the impossible moral and aesthetic requirements of Conservative Teens could easily lead to insecurity. One example? Abstinence. It doesn't work (see: life.) And a Conservative Teen who "lapses" into normal sexual behaviour will surely feel shame at having fallen from false notions of grace. Sadly, the Conservative Teen is not a joke. And everyone – especially teens – should recognise that its message is seriously dangerous.