Column: IRS, DOJ raid Free Press office

Published: Wednesday, May 15, 2013 at 08:11 PM.

At 8:01 a.m. on Wednesday, agents from the Internal Revenue Service and the U.S. Department of Justice executed search warrants on The Free Press building at 2103 N. Queen Street.

“Based on information obtained from confiscated Associated Press phone records, we saw fit to kick in the front door of The Free Press offices and have a look around,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. “Also, the writer with the funny hair keeps inferring that I’m actually Oprah’s boyfriend Stedman Graham, which has caused me all kinds of trouble back at the house.”

When asked why the door was kicked in even though it was unlocked for business hours, Holder declined to comment.

“I held the door open for them,” said Free Press Chief Photographer Janet Carter. “They asked me to shut the door so they could knock it down. I told him to tell Gayle ‘hey’ for me.”

The explanation for the “Kickdown heard ’round Queen Street” was simple.

“Our team was there because The Free Press had previously published an article about local Tea Party activity that presented the facts and was unbiased,” said IRS Commissioner Steven T. Miller. “That’s a definite red flag.”

He continued, “Also, the income these reporters listed on their tax returns seemed ludicrously low. As it turns out they were telling the truth about that, too; my bust.”

At 8:01 a.m. on Wednesday, agents from the Internal Revenue Service and the U.S. Department of Justice executed search warrants on The Free Press building at 2103 N. Queen Street.

“Based on information obtained from confiscated Associated Press phone records, we saw fit to kick in the front door of The Free Press offices and have a look around,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. “Also, the writer with the funny hair keeps inferring that I’m actually Oprah’s boyfriend Stedman Graham, which has caused me all kinds of trouble back at the house.”

When asked why the door was kicked in even though it was unlocked for business hours, Holder declined to comment.

“I held the door open for them,” said Free Press Chief Photographer Janet Carter. “They asked me to shut the door so they could knock it down. I told him to tell Gayle ‘hey’ for me.”

The explanation for the “Kickdown heard ’round Queen Street” was simple.

“Our team was there because The Free Press had previously published an article about local Tea Party activity that presented the facts and was unbiased,” said IRS Commissioner Steven T. Miller. “That’s a definite red flag.”

He continued, “Also, the income these reporters listed on their tax returns seemed ludicrously low. As it turns out they were telling the truth about that, too; my bust.”

Connie R. Hill, spokesperson for Independent Voters of America, says this level of corruption is rampant on both sides of the aisle.

“The previous administration was lambasted for doing this kind of thing,” said Hill, who recently completed a six-week stay at the Betty Ford Center for caffeine and run-on sentence addiction. “Now, the current administration who lambasted the previous administration is doing it while the remnants of the previous administration that also did it are shocked and appalled that the current administration is doing the same shady stuff they themselves did.”

Holder — who has ironically never been seen in the same room with Oprah’s boo Stedman — said information obtained from a phone tap gave them plenty of reason to execute a search of the premises.

When asked why she ordered so much weaponry, Burroughs response was succinct.

“I was out,” she said.

When contacted by the Associated Press, former President George W. Bush declined to comment because he thought Stedman might be eavesdropping on the call. Vice President Joe Biden eluded reporter’s questions by throwing an imaginary ball and running away to fetch it.

While the Obama administration is now being criticized for doing the same sort of things the Bush Administration did — such as outing CIA agent Valerie Plame and filling Kanye West’s tour bus with owl guano — former Vice President Dick Cheney doesn’t believe the comparisons are fair.

“Neither President Bush nor I ever had any knowledge of inappropriate … oh man,” Cheney said, as he busted out laughing. “I used to be able to say that with a straight face (laughing while clutching chest). I have been out of the game too long (wiping tears from his eyes). But seriously, do you have any triple-A batteries? One of my pacemakers is about to blow and I’ve got an appointment to blast a guy in the face with bird shot in a few hours.”

President Obama scoffed at the notion that he was as seedy as George W. Bush.

“They’ll warn that tyranny is always lurking just around the corner,” President Obama said. “You should reject those voices. But, if something unconstitutional does occur — like targeting the tax records of a political group or confiscating the phone records of a news-gathering organization, just remember this: gay basketball star Jason Collins is a brave American and that should be our sole focus for the foreseeable future.”

Late Wednesday afternoon, the DOJ announced they will be pre-opening everyone’s Christmas presents this year. Operation No Child’s Toy Left Behind is set to commence Dec. 20.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon and possibly a DOJ agent at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and subscriptions to O Magazine at jondawson.com.