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Cg057b01f09 July 09 1837
NK
Letter to Mary From Elkanah
Bangor Theological Seminary July 9th 1837
Best beloved Mary,
Yours of the first was received on the eight. It is rather [*] that mine did not reach you before I intended it should have reached you days sooner. At least I mailed it so it might if it had gone as it ought have. I did not indulge any of those protracting fears that I named in my [*].
At the first reading of your letter I was a good deal disconcerted gathering the impression that you was quite dissatisfied with me. But a better reflection on some of your expressions removed the cloud from my mind & gave me much pleasure I was on the point of writing you that if you was so dissatisfied I should consent to a final referation. But you will believe when I say that I was much rejoiced to find that you intended no such thing. But still I say if I thought that you being connected with me in holy yoke would be the means of destroying your happiness I should feel that I was bound to relinquish my claim. I should consider myself in duty bound to do it. Duty, wilt me, [*] the first thing & this duty would be enforced with a desire to make you [*] try. There is one expression you made I should like to have you explain; as the connexion in which it is used makes it doubtful to me what you mean by it, and it was this expression which had the greatest effect upon my mind. That my enlisting in the missionary enterprise has resulted in my acquaintance with E. Walker is not satisfactory. What you intended by that expression suppose is [*] in your own mind & I have not much doubt but you mean well enough by it. I cannot, dearest M, believe you intended that you was dissatisfied with me after so many [assertions] to the contrary I am fully inclined to give credence to all you say, believing that you speak the true feeling (of) your heart.
Do not imagine that you will be that troublesome encumberance to me that you speak of & you mistake me altogether if you suppose that to spend a whole life in promoting your happiness would be a burden to me No. But on the other hand should the time ever come that your happiness will be placed in my hands nothing that I can do to promote it will be unwillingly done, but it will be one object with me to study how I may best prevent it. Your happiness is to me, paramount to my own. I would not be happy at your expense. Nor could I be; No never. My happiness depends on you being so.
You seem willing that our union should take place the coming fall, if my happiness will be enhanced by it. Whether it would be, depends much on your feeling respecting it. It would not, if I supposed that it would detract from yours. But I do not know as it would providence it is, as seeing benevolence has a reflex influence, always retrieving more than he demands. But I am still undecided as to what will be next if I were to consult my own feelings I should wish that it might take place the coming fall. But I cannot now tell where I shall be or what will be my employment during the next year. Some of my friends here are very anxious that I should spend it in the Seminary. One good woman said the other day she wished she had [*] hundred dollars to give me that I might remain here. But you know I will take a great many kind wishes to amount to $300. Times are so hard that I think I must do something to ensure my funds. It is dark times with (me) & I am not alone. Never has the times been when I had to work & contin(u)e to [*] money to meet my wants & I learn much how I shall get along. But I will (not) be discouraged so long as God reigns He always has raised up funds for me when (I) most needed them & I trust he always will. At least he will do that which is for the best. I have devoted myself to him & to the cause of the world's conversion. & if I put my trust in him he will not let me want for any good thing. If I advise you not to come here at the anniversary it will be because I cannot obtain means to defray the expense. I have but little call to go out to preach where I can obtain anything for it.
But enough of this you say when I am sick of my bargain let you know it & I shall have my discharge & liberty to go where the centrifugal force may carry me & I will say the same by you. But I am under the centripetal force. My center is yourself. And be assured that from it, I never shall fly unless I shall be over powered by a centriffugal force from my centre But as to this you best know & with you I wish it to remain No; never, shall the change be interrupted to me of breaking so solemn a promise as I view myself to be under. If the time should ever come & I pray it never may, that I shall wish matters were different between us it will be on your account from your manifesting a wish that it was otherwise. Should I discover in you a disposition to this affect I would doubtless put my affections under the centrifugal force & where they would stop & come again under the centripetal force is more than I can tell. For should you prove false I should have no confidence in your sex. No dearest M I cannot believe, guys I cannot believe it ever will be so. I have too much confidence in you.
Sure you have not high regard for single helplessness I wonder how you ever consented to marry in the wo(r)ld & it seems now that you consented more from expediency than choice I was saying the other day to find Willey who is a married man that I often thought that I should rather live single. He replied that you would like existence if it did not cost you anything. It was a complete veto upon all thought of a single life & I suppose that yours amounts to about the same.
You entreat me to pause & consider whether I can endure all you shall be & I have tested my love for you & can say that I am willing, even desirous to wish my all with you. With you I wish to live & spend my days in promoting your happiness. I think of bestowing my affections on no one else. In you I have perfect confidence & my only wish is that you may place the same confidence in me. Think not that your communicating your thoughts to me is grievous to me. Nothing can afford me more pleasure than to know what is passing in your heart your joy will be my joy & your grief will be my grief & I cannot doubt but you can cheerfully reciprocate those feelings. I want a companion who shall be a better half not a stranger who has no sympathy in me. Mangled tears are the solace of life. If our griefs & joys are bound up the bundle of mutual affection the former will be early bourne; the latter will be more lasting. With you to cheer me Dearest M, my trials be easily endured & my joys much enhanced by your partaking with me then. You express much regret that matters are thus between me & D.I. It (has) been a source of continual grief to me. But I am in hopes they are about [*]. Still I do not blame myself at all, nor, to my knowledge, does any one [*] me. All condemn his conduct toward me as being urgent & even cruel. (I have) bourn much more than I should have done if I had been differently situated. It is a consolation to me to know that no one blames me. But I never (can) feel towards him as I have formerly. I have endeavored during the whole of the contest to treat him more respectfully than I ever have before. You named what I have quite frequently thought that he did not like my visit at B. How that is I will not say, I never have named it to any one & wish it may remain a secret. I should not have now named it had you not requested it. I wrote a long letter last Friday but as I could not send it so soon as I wanted & did not (write) it very well I concluded to write another. I do not consider time lost in writing letters. It is what I need.
The talent news from South Africa is most distressing. The interior Mission among the Zoolahs is broken up and the Missionaries are on their way to joining their brethen at Dingaan's place. What effect this will have as (to) our going to that station I am not able to say. They will make sure a reinforcement to that station. That I fear no more will be sent there very soon. But should we disappointed the time will come when we shall see that it was all ordered by an all wise & all good provider & shall [*] that all things have taken place & just as we should wish [*] them & I have some time thought that the station with Dingaan m(a)y soon be broken up & then our going there would be altered with loss perhaps of life to one or both of us.
It must have been a most trying time to the brethren just as they had acquired sufficient knowledge of the language to preach to the people & instruct them & they commenced with very incouraging prospects to see hope of doing the poor perishing natives any good blasted & (not) only that but to see great numbers of them shot down before their eyes& sent into eternity. Other flying for their life they were attacked by the Du(t)ch farmers. You will in the next number of the Missionary Herald have a full account of it. If you can obtain the Boston Reader for the first of July you will find an account of the Transaction. Time forbids my writing much more but not a want of something to say. Give my love, kind wishes & respects to Grandmother R and all the rest of the family & in fine all enquiring friends of B. Tell P.H. that I feel quite proud to think that I am more beloved by her than her two oldest brothers & C & P they have my thanks for the greatness of their love. I am sorry that father & mother did not make a call Father W. I received a letter last week from Miss R Chapin wishing to be remembered to you when I wrote & one from Bro. I.C.R. It was short, but good & shall answer it as soon as I can. I have not had a letter from home since I left nor have I written home yet I intend to write by the [*] people but was so busy I could not do it. I intend to write soon. I (take) no pleasure in writing because they never answer them. And now dearest M be assured of my faithfulness to you with fond anticipations. I look forward to the time when I may clasp you in my arms & imprint on your innocent face the singn of fond attachment & true love & receive a heartfelt reception from her who alone I wish to receive such return. Till then I remain yours most dear & affectionate. Elkanah

Cg057b01f09 July 09 1837
NK
Letter to Mary From Elkanah
Bangor Theological Seminary July 9th 1837
Best beloved Mary,
Yours of the first was received on the eight. It is rather [*] that mine did not reach you before I intended it should have reached you days sooner. At least I mailed it so it might if it had gone as it ought have. I did not indulge any of those protracting fears that I named in my [*].
At the first reading of your letter I was a good deal disconcerted gathering the impression that you was quite dissatisfied with me. But a better reflection on some of your expressions removed the cloud from my mind & gave me much pleasure I was on the point of writing you that if you was so dissatisfied I should consent to a final referation. But you will believe when I say that I was much rejoiced to find that you intended no such thing. But still I say if I thought that you being connected with me in holy yoke would be the means of destroying your happiness I should feel that I was bound to relinquish my claim. I should consider myself in duty bound to do it. Duty, wilt me, [*] the first thing & this duty would be enforced with a desire to make you [*] try. There is one expression you made I should like to have you explain; as the connexion in which it is used makes it doubtful to me what you mean by it, and it was this expression which had the greatest effect upon my mind. That my enlisting in the missionary enterprise has resulted in my acquaintance with E. Walker is not satisfactory. What you intended by that expression suppose is [*] in your own mind & I have not much doubt but you mean well enough by it. I cannot, dearest M, believe you intended that you was dissatisfied with me after so many [assertions] to the contrary I am fully inclined to give credence to all you say, believing that you speak the true feeling (of) your heart.
Do not imagine that you will be that troublesome encumberance to me that you speak of & you mistake me altogether if you suppose that to spend a whole life in promoting your happiness would be a burden to me No. But on the other hand should the time ever come that your happiness will be placed in my hands nothing that I can do to promote it will be unwillingly done, but it will be one object with me to study how I may best prevent it. Your happiness is to me, paramount to my own. I would not be happy at your expense. Nor could I be; No never. My happiness depends on you being so.
You seem willing that our union should take place the coming fall, if my happiness will be enhanced by it. Whether it would be, depends much on your feeling respecting it. It would not, if I supposed that it would detract from yours. But I do not know as it would providence it is, as seeing benevolence has a reflex influence, always retrieving more than he demands. But I am still undecided as to what will be next if I were to consult my own feelings I should wish that it might take place the coming fall. But I cannot now tell where I shall be or what will be my employment during the next year. Some of my friends here are very anxious that I should spend it in the Seminary. One good woman said the other day she wished she had [*] hundred dollars to give me that I might remain here. But you know I will take a great many kind wishes to amount to $300. Times are so hard that I think I must do something to ensure my funds. It is dark times with (me) & I am not alone. Never has the times been when I had to work & contin(u)e to [*] money to meet my wants & I learn much how I shall get along. But I will (not) be discouraged so long as God reigns He always has raised up funds for me when (I) most needed them & I trust he always will. At least he will do that which is for the best. I have devoted myself to him & to the cause of the world's conversion. & if I put my trust in him he will not let me want for any good thing. If I advise you not to come here at the anniversary it will be because I cannot obtain means to defray the expense. I have but little call to go out to preach where I can obtain anything for it.
But enough of this you say when I am sick of my bargain let you know it & I shall have my discharge & liberty to go where the centrifugal force may carry me & I will say the same by you. But I am under the centripetal force. My center is yourself. And be assured that from it, I never shall fly unless I shall be over powered by a centriffugal force from my centre But as to this you best know & with you I wish it to remain No; never, shall the change be interrupted to me of breaking so solemn a promise as I view myself to be under. If the time should ever come & I pray it never may, that I shall wish matters were different between us it will be on your account from your manifesting a wish that it was otherwise. Should I discover in you a disposition to this affect I would doubtless put my affections under the centrifugal force & where they would stop & come again under the centripetal force is more than I can tell. For should you prove false I should have no confidence in your sex. No dearest M I cannot believe, guys I cannot believe it ever will be so. I have too much confidence in you.
Sure you have not high regard for single helplessness I wonder how you ever consented to marry in the wo(r)ld & it seems now that you consented more from expediency than choice I was saying the other day to find Willey who is a married man that I often thought that I should rather live single. He replied that you would like existence if it did not cost you anything. It was a complete veto upon all thought of a single life & I suppose that yours amounts to about the same.
You entreat me to pause & consider whether I can endure all you shall be & I have tested my love for you & can say that I am willing, even desirous to wish my all with you. With you I wish to live & spend my days in promoting your happiness. I think of bestowing my affections on no one else. In you I have perfect confidence & my only wish is that you may place the same confidence in me. Think not that your communicating your thoughts to me is grievous to me. Nothing can afford me more pleasure than to know what is passing in your heart your joy will be my joy & your grief will be my grief & I cannot doubt but you can cheerfully reciprocate those feelings. I want a companion who shall be a better half not a stranger who has no sympathy in me. Mangled tears are the solace of life. If our griefs & joys are bound up the bundle of mutual affection the former will be early bourne; the latter will be more lasting. With you to cheer me Dearest M, my trials be easily endured & my joys much enhanced by your partaking with me then. You express much regret that matters are thus between me & D.I. It (has) been a source of continual grief to me. But I am in hopes they are about [*]. Still I do not blame myself at all, nor, to my knowledge, does any one [*] me. All condemn his conduct toward me as being urgent & even cruel. (I have) bourn much more than I should have done if I had been differently situated. It is a consolation to me to know that no one blames me. But I never (can) feel towards him as I have formerly. I have endeavored during the whole of the contest to treat him more respectfully than I ever have before. You named what I have quite frequently thought that he did not like my visit at B. How that is I will not say, I never have named it to any one & wish it may remain a secret. I should not have now named it had you not requested it. I wrote a long letter last Friday but as I could not send it so soon as I wanted & did not (write) it very well I concluded to write another. I do not consider time lost in writing letters. It is what I need.
The talent news from South Africa is most distressing. The interior Mission among the Zoolahs is broken up and the Missionaries are on their way to joining their brethen at Dingaan's place. What effect this will have as (to) our going to that station I am not able to say. They will make sure a reinforcement to that station. That I fear no more will be sent there very soon. But should we disappointed the time will come when we shall see that it was all ordered by an all wise & all good provider & shall [*] that all things have taken place & just as we should wish [*] them & I have some time thought that the station with Dingaan m(a)y soon be broken up & then our going there would be altered with loss perhaps of life to one or both of us.
It must have been a most trying time to the brethren just as they had acquired sufficient knowledge of the language to preach to the people & instruct them & they commenced with very incouraging prospects to see hope of doing the poor perishing natives any good blasted & (not) only that but to see great numbers of them shot down before their eyes& sent into eternity. Other flying for their life they were attacked by the Du(t)ch farmers. You will in the next number of the Missionary Herald have a full account of it. If you can obtain the Boston Reader for the first of July you will find an account of the Transaction. Time forbids my writing much more but not a want of something to say. Give my love, kind wishes & respects to Grandmother R and all the rest of the family & in fine all enquiring friends of B. Tell P.H. that I feel quite proud to think that I am more beloved by her than her two oldest brothers & C & P they have my thanks for the greatness of their love. I am sorry that father & mother did not make a call Father W. I received a letter last week from Miss R Chapin wishing to be remembered to you when I wrote & one from Bro. I.C.R. It was short, but good & shall answer it as soon as I can. I have not had a letter from home since I left nor have I written home yet I intend to write by the [*] people but was so busy I could not do it. I intend to write soon. I (take) no pleasure in writing because they never answer them. And now dearest M be assured of my faithfulness to you with fond anticipations. I look forward to the time when I may clasp you in my arms & imprint on your innocent face the singn of fond attachment & true love & receive a heartfelt reception from her who alone I wish to receive such return. Till then I remain yours most dear & affectionate. Elkanah