It all started when I considered voting for Donald Trump. He's against illegal immigration. I'm against illegal immigration. So why not? People said that made him racist. But I agree with him, and I know I'm not racist. And if people were wrong to call him "racist" about that, maybe they're wrong to call him racist about everything. I started arguing with my own wife. I said demanding Obama's birth certificate wasn't racist. I said wanting to ban all Muslim immigrants wasn't racist. Trump saying a judge couldn't do his job because he's Mexican-American? I said that wasn't racist. I said the fact he kept retweeting white supremacists wasn't racist. But yesterday ... I caught myself saying "What's so racist about white supremacists anyway?" You're worried that supporting Trump is desensitizing you to racism? No, I just wondered if I can bunk here tonight. My wife kicked me out.

Mr. Trump, you said the judge presiding over your fake university trial can't do his job impartially because he's "Mexican" and you've offended Mexicans. You also say Muslim judges could "absolutely" be biased because you've offended Muslims. But you've offended pretty much everyone other than white, right-handed Appalachian car mechanics' pet zebras ... and he doesn't have any judicial experience. No, but he's never treated me unfairly.

I never cared for Hillary Clinton. But that's changing. The other day, her critics dumped on her for going to Chipotle, ordering food, and leaving without talking to people. When I'm grabbing a burrito, I'm there to grab a burrito, not to work the room. "Mind your business" would actually be a great campaign slogan. Dios mi - Wait ... yeah, it kinda would.

It's all coming back to me, doc. I was reporting on the Mexican drug cartels … PhD. Then it all went wrong. I got kidnapped. I ignored warnings. I made a mistake. AND THE WORLD ENDED. Lemont? We're still here. If the world ended, how can that be? How can the sky glow after the sun has already set? How can smoke rise after the candle has already gone out? Yes, yes ... How can my tongue still taste all aluminum-y long after I finish the diet cola? Leave the poetry to your patients. PhD. (Published originally on April 27, 2011.)

So why'd you quit your job? Told you. Dr. Noodle. Humor me. Fine. One more time … My boss came over to me, turned to everyone and said "I don’t like this brother. I never liked this brother. This brother never works." Seriously. Then she said "We need to get better brothers in this office or not get any at all." Turns out she was talkin' 'bout the printer behind me. Oh. Well that was just a misunderstanding. Then she said brothers must be made by Mexicans.

Why don't you want to tell me what that witness said in court? 'cause you won't believe me! Ever since we were kids! I tell you about things that really happen to me, and then you roll your eyes in disbelief. I'll believe you, Lemont, I promise. (sigh) ... Ok ... Lemont said he'd discovered the Mexican drug cartels were really zombie armies. With Doctor Noodle's help, Lemont seduced their commander, a demon named La Llorona: and got her to ... YOU'RE ROLLING YOUR EYES! Am not.

It's all coming back to me, Doc. I was reporting on the Mexican drug cartels … then it all went wrong. I got kidnapped. I ignored warnings. I made a mistake. AND THE WORLD ENDED. Lemont? We're still here. If the world ended, how can that be? How can the sky glow after the sun as already set? How can smoke rise after the candle has already gone out? Yes, yes ... how can my tongue still taste all aluminum-y long after I finish the diet cola ... Leave the poetry to your patients.

Why are we such a violent people? America's a land of assissinations. Mexico's a land of mutilations. China's a land of executions, and so on … Why can't we see our political differences the same way we see a difference over pizza toppings? Ok, ok, I'm sorry I yelled at you for ordering anchovies. There's a cancer on the soul of humanity.

My mom and dad used to point out a person's ethnicity for no reason. Every joke or story would start with that. Like "So this one Korean dude asked me for the time at the bus stop today." Or "So this one Mexican cat told me there's a sale on records down on Broadway." What did ethnicity have to do with anything? It's like they tossed in random, unhelpful observations ... ... because they didn't really have anything interesting or insightful to say. You don't think it's insightful of me to point out that you always change the subject? That's so random!

How on Earth did you arrange to interview a brutal Mexican drug lord? You should know. You're a shrink. Everyone on Earth is the hero of his or her own story. And everyone feels he or she is misunderstood. So if you offer him or her the chance to set his or her record straight, he or she will almost always jump at the chance. Oh, man. Or woman. Huh?

"I don't know how you tracked me down, Senor Lemont, but it's true: I am 'El Chacal,' leader of the most barbaric Mexican drug cartel. There is no mystery, here, little journalist. All the carnage and disappearances in La Ciudad Juarez are part of our drug war. I would like to thank our sponsors: the greed of local officials whose pockets we line, and the misguided American 'War on Drugs' that makes our product so incredibly valuable." He really said all that? Either that or "Prepare to die, dog-man." Worst translator, ever.

Hi, I'm David. I will be your kidnapper today. I'm Lemont Brown, a journalist. Nice to meet you. I'm at the forefront of Mexico's burgeoning "Kidnapping American Professionals" industry. Thriving U.S. companies pay me a lot of money to release their workers. Where should I send your ransom note? CNN? NBC? Well, I work for a newspaper. It's ... That was nice of them to give us 50 pesos. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Tell me, how do you feel about this? Y'know, if you'd dropped the whole "therapist" persona and just given me clear, concise directions to your house, this wouldn't have happened. Do you feel certain about that? SHUT UP! !Gringos! !Bievenidos a Mexico.

"7th Heaven" is ending today. Wuzzat? Whole season's been disappointing. Maybe is Jessica Biel had dome back, it ---. Stop. How many minorities you seen on that show? You gonna tell me they ain't got more black folks or Mexicans than -- in California? No self-respecting brutha watches that corny #$%^. An if he do, he keep it to hisself. Still can't believe they chose that show over "Everwood." I don't even know you anymore, Dawg.

In other news, Newt Gingrich was deported to Mexico today. He was trying to convince a group of Mexicans that he's not a bigot - that he really loves them. That he's one of them. Here to discuss this, Captain Al, from the INS. Honest mistake. He was speakin' Spanish and had on a sombrero and poncho. This just in: Mexico has deported Newt Gingrich.

"Famous-guy deaths" don't happen in threes, Lemont, so you're not next. And even if they did, it wasn't just Ford and James Brown who died … Raul Velasco was famous all over Latin America, and he died too. He did? That's great! What am I saying? I hardly know this guy, God.

2006. Latino Menace. Sure, America has always prospered 'cause of hard-working immigrants, but today's problem is different! This time it's a real crisis! 1956. Mexican Menace. These migrants can do our menial labor, but they they've gotta go! There's too many of 'em! Our fragile society just can't handle it! 1896. Italian Menace. They're taking jobs from real Americans. It's never been this bad before. I say deport them all. 1882. Chinese Menace. They won't even learn the English. Why, the magnitude of this calamity is unprecedented! 1856. Irish Menace. There's not way we can assimilate all these foreigners! They'll pollute our culture and steal our jobs! This crisis is unparalleled! Something must be done. 1751. German Menace. And it must be done now. Forbid their entry, else the filthy hordes shall surely flummox us, verily! It hath never been thus before, sire!