The very model of an amateur grammarian

I am the very model of an amateur grammarian
I have a little knowledge and I am authoritarian
But I make no apology for being doctrinarian
We must not plummet to the verbal depths of the barbarian

I’d sooner break my heart in two than sunder an infinitive
And I’d disown my closest family within a minute if
They dared to place a preposition at a sentence terminus
Or sully the Queen’s English with neologisms verminous

I know that ‘soon’ and not ‘right now’ is the true sense of ‘presently’
I’m happy to correct you and I do it oh so pleasantly
I’m not a grammar Nazi; I’m just a linguistic Aryan
I am the very model of an amateur grammarian

I’m sure people appreciate my pointing out their grammar gaffes
And sorting out their sentences and crossing out their paragraphs
When you crusade for good English, it’s not all doom and gloom you sow
The secret of success is: it’s not who you know; it’s whom you know

The standards of our language are declining almost every day
Down from a peak in 18– or 19– I think – well, anyway
Pop music, TV, blogs and texting are inflicting ravages
Upon English and unchecked, this will turn us into savages

I fear that sloppy language is a sign of immorality
For breaking rules of grammar is akin to criminality
So curse those trendy linguists, lexicographers and anyone
Who shuns the model English of the amateur grammarian

Conjunctions at the openings of sentences are sickening
I wish that the decline of the subjunctive were not quickening
And that more people knew the proper meaning of ‘anticipate’
Of ‘fulsome’ and ‘enormity’, ‘fortuitous’ and ‘decimate’

I learned these rules at school and of correctness they’re my surety
I cling to them for safety despite having reached maturity
Some say that language changes, but good English is immutable
And so much common usage now is deeply disreputable

My pedantry’s demanding but I try not to feel bitter at
The fact that everyone I meet is borderline illiterate
When all around are wrong then I am proud to be contrarian
I am the very model of an amateur grammarian

Lovely, except this grammar Nasi has no problem with split infinitives… or infinitives split. Moreover, I would use an em dash not an en dash, which is more properly applied to ranges. And there is no rule against using conjunctions at the start of sentences—that’s just silly. What’s more, where the hell is your punctuation?! Sloppy! 🙂

Thanks guys, I’m glad you liked it!
Corey, I’m guessing you may be American? Em dashes are rare in British, and we tend to use spaced ens for parenthetical asides. Just one of those things. (One bit that didn’t make the final cut was “I’d tighten immigration for all usages American / For I’m the very model of an amateur grammarian”)
And, sadly, there are plenty of people who think you shouldn’t start a sentence with a conjunction. Fowler called it a “faintly lingering superstition”, and it still is.
I tried punctuating the ends of lines, but they were mostly full stops and semicolons, and that spoiled the look of it. Poetic licence?

I typed papers for college students when I was in college. Please! One “should have” not “should of”….ah!!!!! I know this happened because of the sound of the contraction “should’ve” when spoken. Just stop it!!!!

I would only beg to quibble with one of your choices. I don’t care for the use of “Nazi” as a mild pejorative, as in “grammar Nazi” above. I understand that it’s a common phrase, but I believe that word loses its power to horrify when it’s used to describe something merely annoying, and I think that’s unfortunate.

Brilliant! Though I can’t help thinking King Gama’s song from Princess Ida “If you give me your attention” would have been an even better one to parody for this:
If you give me your attention i will tell you what I am:
I’m a genuine grammarian–all other kinds are sham,
Each little fault of language and rhetorical defect
in my erring fellow creature I endeavor to correct…

I’m very happy that people have got some fun out of this – I know I had plenty myself in writing it!
A few short responses to particular points:
Bratschegirl: Yes, likening self-important bossiness to actual Nazism is preposterously disproportionate. But as you say, it’s a common idiom; if it were capable of sapping our horror at the Holocaust, it would have done so long ago.
Dave Empey: Very nice! I don’t actually know any G&S other than Pirates of Penzance, but yours sounds good.
Sam Longoria: “Keep up the good work!” Oh hell. Expectations. Dammit. I’ll do my best (most of my blogging isn’t comedy), but I think it’ll be a good while before I can match this one…

And a general point: I promise you that every single item of usage complained about in the song is something that serious-minded people genuinely do insist to be a rule of English – and that most other people ignore. Me, I’m a lot less prescriptivist than I used to be. I was never really like the amateur grammarian, but I’m vaguely familiar with bits of that outlook.

Also, if anyone feels tempted to do a recording of this, your singing voice couldn’t possibly be worse than mine!

Enjoyed most of this very much, but I was actually more distressed by the Aryan reference than the Nazi one. Just what is “linguistic Aryan” meant to evoke? Between that and the “crusade” later, I started to worry think of that Henry Higgins line about the French “who don’t care what they say as long as they pronounce it properly”!

This is awesome! I’m the artistic director of the Lamplighters, a G&S company in San Francisco. We write parody lyrics every year for our fundraising Gala. This is right up there with the best we’ve ever done — Bravo!

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[…] The very model of an amateur grammarian – To a well-known Gilbert and Sullivan tune: "I am the very model of an amateur grammarian / I have a little knowledge and I am authoritarian / But I make no apology for being doctrinarian / We must not plummet to the verbal depths of the barbarian…" […]

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