The Undeniable Ruth

Your groundhog said you’re getting 6 more weeks of winter.
Mine said I get 34 more weeks of Invisalign trays.

A few weeks ago, I saw my orthodontist after completing 53 weeks of Invisalign. He said my teeth are straight, and my bite is improved, but my upper and lower jaws are still out of alignment. The tech took another set of impressions and sent them off to have another set of trays created. They didn’t tell me how many more trays I’d have to wear to correct this problem. (I wore my Week 53 trays for a few weeks while my next set of trays were being made.)

I couldn’t manage to take a good photo that shows my rubber band, so I stopped trying.

Last week, I was back in the orthodontist chair (I always feel like I’m in junior high when I’m in there) and I asked, “How many more weeks do I have the pleasure, I mean privilege, of wearing Invisalign trays.” The tech laughed, but I was serious. I suspect many people who can’t afford it wish they had the means to afford Invisalign or braces. Even though I may complain that my teeth hurt or that wearing trays is a hassle, I never forget that it’s a privilege to do this.

The tech said, “34,” and I get to wear a rubber band on one side of my mouth. The tech had to move some of the anchors for my trays (aka “dinosaur teeth”) and she glued a metal “button” to one of my lower teeth. The rubber band attaches to an edge carved into my upper tray and the button. Every time I take my trays out, I’m supposed to replace the rubber band.

Looking at the calendar, I’ll be wearing this set of trays, changing the trays each week, until mid-October. Basically, I added another year to this adventure.

At first, I had the compulsion to try to chew on the rubber band, which isn’t actually possible, but now it’s a non-issue. Putting it on is easy, though in my first week, I managed to shoot a rubber band across the room and snap myself in the lip while trying to put it on. These are first world problems.

The rules with these of trays is the same: try to wear them at least 22 hours a day. Some day I’ll get to sip my coffee again. The only difference now is I must remember to bring my bag of rubber bands in addition to my tray case when I leave the house, and for now, I need a mirror to put on a rubber band. Note to self: Put a compact with a mirror in your backpack for when you’re traveling.

The only problem I’ve encountered with wearing a rubber band is I can’t sing properly. I can’t open my mouth wide enough to sing the notes. I don’t wear my trays when I have a voice lesson or perform, but I do when I’m singing in the car and around the house. Knowing me, I’ll test how well these rubber bands stretch. I hope it doesn’t hurt much if one snaps in my mouth.

At Phoestivus last year, I asked my friend and Arizona Representative Ken Clark to introduce a bill that would allow people in Arizona the option to select “nonbinary” as their gender on their driver’s licenses. A few weeks later, HB2492 was born.

Rainbow by Benson Kua from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

Currently, all persons must identify as “male” or “female.” You have to pick one, and you can’t leave this field blank. I had to go to the Motor Vehicles Department (MVD) last year to update my photo. I asked if I could have “X” (abbreviation for nonbinary) on my driver’s license instead of “M” or “F” for my gender, and the clerk said the system didn’t allow her to do this. I asked if I could leave this field blank, and she said the system wouldn’t process my new license unless it had a selection for the person’s sex.

When I contacted the Arizona Department of Transportation about adding the option for nonbinary to the driver’s license application, they said they couldn’t do this unless the law changed. Hence, I had to go to Ken for help.

A new law went into effect in California this year, where you can have the state re-issue your birth certificate to indicate that you are nonbinary. I was born there, so I’m going through the process to get a nonbinary birth certificate. And I want my driver’s license to match.

Photo by Jay Chatzkel PhotographyUsed with permission

HB2492 was assigned to the Transportation Committee, chaired by Representative Noel W. Campbell. So far, this bill has not been added to the committee’s agenda. If the bill isn’t heard by the committee, it will die and never reach a vote by the Arizona House. If this bill dies in committee, we’ll have to wait until next session to introduce it again.

If Arizona doesn’t change its law and allows people to be legally recognized as nonbinary, the State is essentially telling me that I and people like me don’t exist. My fingers are crossed that the Transportation Committee will at least hear HB2492.

Please help me, and other nonbinary people, make this happen. Contact Representative Campbell and tell him to add HB2492 to the Transportation Committee’s agenda.

I spent last week in New York attending the Shankminds Breakthrough event where I got to step back and focus on my business and what I’m doing for the next six months. It was wonderful to get to spend time with my east coast and Shankminds friends.

The day after I got back from New York, I noticed I brought something extra home with me: a cold.

Look who I found in New York

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling like crud. When I realized I was sick, my first thought was, “Steve says he’s sorry you feel like shit.” I shook my head and smiled. That’s the line that taught me that laughter heals.

When I was a freshman in high school, I got a horrible cold over winter break. For days, all I could do was lay in front of the fireplace and cry silent tears that left wet spots on the flower-patterned throw pillows.

Originally my sister’s friend, Steve, was going to come over to hang out one day during the break. Steve was a character. He was a senior when I was a freshman, and he seemed like a nice guy, but he also would do lighthearted bonehead things like get a mouthful of water from the drinking fountain, count of five in his head, and if a freshman walked by when he hit “five,” he’d spit it on them. (Or so I was told, I never saw him do it.) Steve had a gift for calling the house right as I was falling asleep at night, making the hot pink neon light in my phone startle me awake. (It was 1993. Everyone didn’t have a cell phone back then. If you wanted to talk to someone, you had to call their house.)

I was so sick that my mom declared that we shouldn’t have visitors to the house. After my sister called Steve to cancel their plans, she walked through the den and said, “Steve says he’s sorry you feel like shit.”

That was such a Steve thing to say.

I laughed weakly.

But then I started feeling better.

I’m sure I was on the mend, letting the virus run its course, blah blah blah, but having that moment of laughter eased my discomfort a bit.

So now whenever I’m sick, or feel like I’m about to get sick, I try to watch and listen to things that make me laugh between naps. This past Saturday, I was in bed for over ten hours. My body ached, and my head throbbed. I was too drained to do anything, but not quite tired enough to sleep, so I listened to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me and Ask Me Another via Google Home. They made me smile as I dozed in and out of consciousness.

Ever since I learned about the concussion risk associated with American football, I can’t in good conscience support the sport. Not only do these athletes risk their lives during the game, they risk serious brain injury, Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) and the associated problems that can afflict them for the rest of their often too-short lives. It’s devastating to learn about the players to fall into drug addiction and/or attempt suicide.

Rams Football Field by Miss Wetzel’s Art Class from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

The more I learn about the CTE and the widespread risk players seem to take, I feel like football is modern-day bullfighting. We watch players accept the substantial risk that participating in the sport will kill them, and this sport exists simply as entertainment. It’s a money-making scheme for the owners, the coaches, and hopefully the players. I suspect those in power have little regard for players once they are no longer contributing to the team’s winning record.

Although I have serious problems with this sport, it seems like a majority of fans are unfazed by disclosure of information about CTE. I kicked a simple anonymous survey to my football-loving friends to try to understand their perspective.

Out of the 30 people who responded to my questions, all of them knew that CTE is a problem facing NFL players. Eighty percent (24/30) knew about the research on the 111 NFL players brains that were tested for CTE – 110 of them were found to have it.

I asked my friends, “How do you feel about watching and loving a sport where it appears that every player except the kicker is likely getting brain damage while they’re playing the game and associated problems after they retire?” Many of them responded that professional players are adults who freely accept this risk (hopefully with full disclosure of the health consequences), just like people who choose to smoke, drive, or participate in other dangerous professions. Others said this situation bothers them and they will likely watch fewer games.

I also asked my friends, “What are your thoughts about players like John Urschel and A.J. Tarpley who retire early to preserve their health?” The overwhelming response was positive. They said these players were “smart” and that they “respect,” “applaud,” and “support” their decisions. One friend responded that these players, “made the best decision for themselves” because they suspected their “long-term financial success was going to be outside football.” Another friend said, “I think it is a great statement to others about the dangers of this sport.”

A friend pointed out a flaw in my questions. Since CTE currently can only be diagnosed post-mortem, we only know about the data in players who have had their brains examined. A lot more than 111 people have played professional football, so the information about how widespread this problem is among current players is speculative.

And I don’t disagree that football is fun – at least flag football – and many players professional and not, love this sport. I suspect most of them started as children, and participation gave them friends, heartwarming memories, and for some, academic and professional opportunities that they would not have had otherwise. With child athletes, it’s up to the parents to decide what activities their kids will do. Note: I’m not saying you’re a bad parent if you let your kid play football. I just hope you make educated decisions about what league they play in and what safety precautions are required. As a former gymnast, I can say when you fall in love with a sport so young, it’s hard to give it up, even when it’s in your best interest.

While others are getting excited for the upcoming Super Bowl, I cringe at the thought of players risking their lives for our entertainment. I don’t watch the game, and it makes me want to ask the sponsors and companies that run ads: “How can you feel good about making money off these players’ lives?”

After more than five months of training, I finished my first marathon – the Rock ‘n’ Roll Arizona on January 14, 2018. I had never been more nervous for a race. I had calls with my coach the day before and morning of the race. His last piece of advice to me was, “Breathe.”

Being around friendly fellow racers helped too. They all had words of encouragement when they heard it was my first complete marathon.

My race bib, shirt, and medal

Spectators Matter and Dogs!
The spectators for this race are awesome. Seeing their faces and hearing them cheer makes a difference. Some set up extra water stations; handed out orange slices, bacon, and beer; and held up signs. Hat tip to the spectators who made multiple appearances along the route. I was happy to see so many people with their dogs along the race route. Each one made me smile.

Your Backside Matters
More racers need to understand that their backside is entertainment for the people running behind them. I want to see more shoulder and calf tattoos and shirts with interesting backs. Several racers during the last 7 miles complemented the back of my shirt as they passed me. One said it was “dirty lie” because we were only at Mile 19. I responded that my shirt doesn’t say, “Last Mile.”

Watching so many people’s backs confirmed my idea of getting a variation of the Ignite Phoenix bird tattooed on my right shoulder blade and wearing t-back tank tops on race day.

How do these People Know my Name?
At several water stations, the volunteers cheered for me by name. I thought, “Do I know them? How do they know my name?” as I examined their faces for something familiar. And then I remembered, “Oh right, it’s on my bib.”

Still smiling after 26.2 miles and walking home from the light rail. Those numbers of my hand reminded me of when to take my gels.

“Coach, It Hurts.”
By Mile 20, I was in pain, and seriously contemplating whether I could finish the race without walking. I was afraid if I started walking, I wouldn’t be able to start running again. A frequent thought that crossed my mind was, “Coach, it hurts.”

During my training, I did a 23.8-mile run. Coach David said my body could handle the 26.2-mile distance, even if I had to walk the last miles.

I didn’t want to walk, or entertain that possibility, so I flipped from thinking about the pain to distracting myself by mentally going through gymnastics routines. (I was a gymnast for 17 years. I’ve completed many challenging runs with this trick.)

Mile 23 – 5K to go
At 5K to go, there was no way I was going to walk. Even exhausted and in pain, I could run a 5K. At the water station at Mile 24, a volunteer cheered, “Looking strong Ruth!” I didn’t feel strong, but appreciated it.

Mile 25 had the steepest hill on the course. I had some choice words for the organizers at that moment, and then I thought, “This is why I train on hills.”

Finish Strong
I had a good end of the race, coming down the hill at the end of the Mill Ave Bridge and turning the corner towards the finish line. I raised my arms and smiled as I crossed the finish line. Despite being in pain, I look happy in all my photos from the race.

I started walking after I crossed the finish line. I didn’t want to stop moving because I knew more pain would set in.

Post-Race Pain
Oh, and did it hurt. I had pain in my hips, quads, knees, and feet. I had been dealing with a sore ankle for the last week and taped it with KT Tape for the race. It did remarkably well during the race; I felt no pain until I took the tape off post-race.

I hurt so much after the race, I couldn’t get comfortable enough to nap after I got home and showered. Instead, I laid in bed for an hour and watched YouTube on my phone. I had Gatorade and chocolate milk after the race, and I didn’t want to eat for a few hours after the race.

The next day I had substantially less pain than I expected. Most of pain was in my quads. Surprisingly, I’m not going to lose any toenails from the race. I only lost one during training.

Got the Bug
I’ve heard marathoners are one-and-done or get the marathon bug. Even before this race ended, I was thinking about my next race. My goal for this race was to just finish. Now, I want to see if I can improve my time and feel stronger.

I’ve worn Invisalign trays for the last 53 weeks. Every Tuesday night, I switched out my current trays for the next set, and every time it was a remarkable sensation to feel which teeth my new trays would be moving. Thankfully after the first few months, my teeth didn’t hurt that bad, but I did get my trays stuck in my mouth on more than one occasion.

There has definitely been movement in my mouth. I’m curious to see my before and after photos to see if the change is significant. My teeth were mostly straight before doing Invisalign. I did this because their alignment was off and if I didn’t do something, I’d likely break my bottom teeth on my top ones. So, as long as we prevented that issue, I’m happy.

52 Weeks of Invisalign Trays – Week 53 is in my Mouth

Two Birds, One Stone
Sleeping with Invisalign was never problematic, because I’ve been sleeping with a night guard for years – one of the lovely benefits of going to law school. (No, you don’t wear a night guard with your trays. The trays replaced the guard.) My trays help protect me from myself, well at least grinding my teeth. There were many mornings where my trays were jammed tight on my teeth from grinding and clenching them in my sleep.

So it’s a two birds, one stone situation, but a very expensive stone.

Floss Champion
I’ve become that guy who keeps a toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss in the office. I regularly brush my teeth and my trays when I’m at work. One of the benefits of Invisalign, is you will instantly know if you have a bit of food between your teeth the moment you pop your trays back into your mouth after a meal.

If you’re doing Invisalign, you’re probably flossing – by necessity.

22 Hours a Day

Running with Invisalign
I’m training for a marathon. During my long runs, I use gels to replenish my calories and electrolytes. With Invisalign, they recommend you wear your trays 22 hours a day, and my long runs were usually longer than 2 hours. I didn’t want to run without them, but I didn’t want to have to pop them in and out either. I was afraid the gels would either stick to my trays and/or stain them.

The Process Continues
This week, I go back to the orthodontist this week for my 53-week follow-up appointment. I feel like a junior high kid every time I go in there. Hopefully, my doctor will tell me that my teeth have moved to where they need to be, and I get to move into the maintenance phase: 6 months of wearing my trays all the time and then I get to shift to just wearing my trays at night. I look forward to the days I get to chew gum and sip coffee for hours.

Bamboo Toothbrush: The next time I need a new toothbrush, instead of buying a plastic one, I want to try one make of biodegradable bamboo.

Zero-Waste Deodorant: Instead of buying a deodorant in a plastic twist-bottom tube, I want to try a natural deodorant that comes in a glass jar. I also wonder if something like this would be better for my sensitive skin.

Shampoo Bar: Yes, there is shampoo that comes in a bar. I’m curious to see how well this will work. It’s going to be a while before I try it because I have short hair and it wasn’t too long ago that I bought a new bottle of shampoo.

Seedling by Kevin Doncaster from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

Regular Bar Soap: There was a time when we just had bars of soap next to the skin for washing our hands. I could go back to that. I wonder if I can find a bar of soap that has exfoliating properties that I could use instead of my apricot face wash.

Asking Companies to Consider Lower-Waste Options: There are certain products that I know I won’t want to give up – like my moisturizer. I can ask them to consider offering a version that comes in glass instead of plastic. At least then they’d know there’s an interest.

Reusable Produce Bags and Food Containers: Top of my list this year is to pick up some reusable produce bags so I don’t have to keep using plastic ones every time I go to the store.

I often shop in the bulk food section of Sprouts for seeds, dried fruit, grains, and lentils. They don’t advertise this, but you can bring your own reusable containers to use after they weigh it. I want to get some jars and try this.

Since my diet is rich in fruits and vegetables, I would love to compost the parts I don’t eat. I currently don’t for a few reasons: (1) I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong and create a smelly mess that will attract rodents and bugs and (2) if I use vermicompost (aka worms), I’m afraid I’ll kill them and have a smelly mess that will attract rodents and bugs. (The fear is real – I’ve killed a cactus.) My city collects landscape waste, but not food scraps for composting. If I want to try it, it appears Arizona Worm Farm sells a ready-to-use worm bin.

2016 was bad. I felt as if that year couldn’t end soon enough. But it’s as if 2017 started the year saying, “Hold my beer” and it went downhill from there. I had a lot of challenges this year including reconstruction at Castle Carter after my condo flooded, death of my childhood coach, being in a car accident, studying for the California bar exam, and processing my gender identity.

My jar of happy memories

Thankfully, I started a new tradition of keeping a jar next to my bed where I wrote notes about things that happened in my life that made me happy or giggle. Even on bad days, I could look over at my jar that was filling with notes and be reminded that life doesn’t suck all the time. It was a joy to go through them while I wrote this post. Here are my top 5 events/activities from 2017:

Me and my skateboard

1. I got a Skateboard at CMWorldContent Marketing World always does an excellent job taking care of its speakers. I look forward to this conference every year and I’m proud to be part of Team Orange. When they announced that Casey Neistat would be one of the keynote speakers, I started tweeting at them that I wanted an orange skateboard as my speaker gift. (They usually get us each a wireless mouse/laser pointer.) Shortly after I checked into my hotel room, the hotel dropped off a big box for me. It was a mini orange skateboard! I love this thing, not just because it’s awesome, but because it made me feel like part of the CMWorld family. Once I finish my marathon in 2018, I’m going to take a skateboarding lesson and learn how to ride it properly.

I love this tattoo

2. “Don’t Be What They Made You” Tattoo
I saw Logan in the theater. When I heard this line, I instantly knew I wanted it tattooed on my wrist. A few months later, Hollis at Iconic Tattoo made it a reality. This is a daily reminder and inspiration for me.

3. “But I’m still your Tranpa”
Accepting that I’m non-binary made me feel like I was a baby queer all over again. I felt especially vulnerable a few months ago and sent an email to trans entertainer and advocate Buck Angel, just an open invitation for lunch the next time he’s in Phoenix. He responded and signed it “Tranpa.” I wrote back and said, age-wise, we’re more like cousins. (We’re only about 7 years apart.) He responded, “Hahaa but I’m still your Tranpa ❤️.”

This warmed my heart. It matters to talk to people who “get it.” Buck is someone I reach out to when I experience dysmorphia or feel like I live in a world that wasn’t made for me.

Still smiling after running 20 miles – and rocking some mad hair

4. Running with David
I’m training for the Rock ‘n’ Roll Arizona Marathon 2018. After getting a DNF at my last marathon attempt, I decided to hire a coach, David Roher. He lives on the east coast, so we communicate over email, text, and phone. He gives me my assignments and tracks my workouts via Strava, plus we talk about nutrition, stretching, injuries, and life in general.

David always has a word of encouragement when I need it – often to remind me that I have the ability to do any assignment he gives me and not to push myself too hard. When I finished my 20-mile training run a few weeks ago, I was pleased with my pace and by how good I felt at the end of it.

5. Ethics and Ice Cream
I had a flash of brilliance at the beginning of August to do a continuing legal education seminar looking at what Arizona lawyers were being disciplined for during the last few years to look for patterns and commonalities. I pitched the idea to do this for ASU CLE and call it “Ethics and Ice Cream.” They loved it and we scheduled the event for about a month later. I recruited fellow lawyer and comedian, Matt Storrs, and we reviewed all the Lawyer Regulation reports since 2015 and pulled off a successful event.

This event made this list, not because I created a CLE, but because I put this idea into action and made it work.

As I read all the notes in my jar, I noticed there were at least six notes that mentioned hugs or being the “little spoon.” Besides giving me a warm fuzzy trip down memory lane, these notes reminded me how important the people in my life are to me.

Bar Results Day
For the week before bar results were out, I was literally counting down the hours. There was nothing we could do to change the outcome. We just had to wait until the designated time when our results would be available. At 7pm on the button, I input my application number and a screen popped up that said my number didn’t match anything on the pass list.

I double and tripled checked my number, hoping that I typed it incorrectly.

No I didn’t. I failed bar exam.

I texted Rob. He didn’t pass either.

I was shocked. I spent the rest of the night in a daze with dashes of anger that were more pronounced as the hours passed. (On the flip side, I channeled my anger into a 17.5-mile run the next day. I averaged 9:46/mile.)

Telling the Friends
The bar results would soon be public for all and enough people knew the date they’d be released, so I knew I had to face the music sooner than later. Running for three hours gave me time to think about how I’d break the news. When I got back from my run, I posted to Facebook:

Bad News: I failed the CA Bar Exam.

Good News: I can bang all the Californians I want b/c the CA Rules of Professional Conduct don’t apply to me.

I know it’s not the classiest thing to post, but it was right mix of bluntness, anger, and sarcasm in the moment. Of course, all my friends were loving and supportive. Many of them responded with notes that I’ll pass it next time, which I thought was odd because I have no plans to take the California bar next year. My existing obligations and commitments don’t allow me to turn around and try again.

Will We Ever Take the CA Bar Exam Again?
Rob-tastic has already said that he’s taking the California Bar Exam again next summer. If he passes the second time around, I won’t need my own California license as long as we’re at the same firm. We’re both still fans of Barbri, and will use them again for future bar exams.

Oh, and I have to make a confession: I bought postcards planning to send them to our favorite Barbri instructors to thank them for their help during bar prep. We didn’t get to them before the bar exam, and I figured we could send them after we got results. Now I don’t want to send postcards. I still appreciate our favorite instructors.

So How Are We?
Rob says he’s “pretty Zen” about his results, “little disappointed, not terribly shaken up.” The fact remains that failing this test doesn’t change the fact that we’re lawyers. We’ve been kept plenty busy with client work, so we don’t have much time to think about this test. He’s putting any extra energy he has towards studying for the patent bar which he’s taking early next year.

I, on the other hand, am grumpy every time I think about my bar results. Failing was not part of my master plan, and I’m bummed I spent nearly $600 on my California character and fitness application. Thankfully, I have other projects keeping me busy so I don’t think about it often.

We want to thank Barbri for being our partner in this journey. We don’t attribute any of our results to them. If and when we take another bar exam, we’ll be doing it with Barbri’s help.

I wish things like the #metoo movement weren’t necessary. I feel sad and disgusted when I think about the sheer number of people who have been sexually harassed, abused, and assaulted. How can anyone feel entitled to take advantage of another person like this?

These predators thrive in silence. They rely on the fear and shame they invoke in their victims so they can continue to prey on others. #Metoo helps break the silence, and give survivors a voice. It breaks the pattern of downplaying these incidents and staying silent out of fear of the repercussions that could result from speaking out against these perpetrators.

It’s validating and empowering to see people speaking out about their abuse. It reminds me that I’m not alone. It exposes the vastness of this problem. Sexual assault doesn’t just happen to “other people,” it happens to your friends, your family, your co-workers, people you look up to – people you know.

Although reading about other people’s #metoo experiences is validating, it’s also painful. I read these posts to honor and validate the survivor, but I also read them to see that I’m not alone in my experience as a survivor. My fellow survivors know what it’s like to be taken advantage of, to be frozen in fear, and what it’s like to be physically violated.

When I read a #metoo story like McKayla Maroney’s, who was repeated sexually assaulted by the USA Gymnastics team doctor, Dr. Larry Nassar, for years starting at age 13, I read her words, and I identify with her experience. It reminds me of what it feels like to be trapped, helpless, and covered with the sensation of icky-ness. Even as I type, I pause to shake my hands, trying to rid myself of that wave of shame.

I love this photo of Joe and me by Brandon Larkin (Creative Commons License)

Reading these accounts is triggering. As I was getting ready for work one morning last week, I wanted to climb back into bed and avoid the world instead of going to the office. Enveloped in shame, I could barely look anyone in the eye. When I went to my therapy appointment, I spent most of the session curled up on my therapist’s couch while we processed what I was feeling. (I couldn’t look him in the eye either.) He reminded me to take extra care of myself.

Why do I share all this? Because calling out the people who commit these disgusting acts is only part of the story. The impact on the survivors from being sexually harassed or assaulted can be devastating. It was for me.

It’s not something I went through, it’s something I live with. I’m getting better, thanks to therapy, medication, treatment, 12-step programs, and having a loving supportive people around me, though I still have days where I struggle with depression and I’m burdened with shame. Going to 12-step meetings taught me that “our secrets keep us sick,” so I have to share my story to help myself heal.

I support the #metoo movement and survivors sharing their experiences even though it can be triggering for me. This problem will only continue if we ignore it.

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Disclaimer

I am a licensed attorney in the State of Arizona; however, this blog should only be used for informational and entertainment purposes. It does not constitute legal advice, and it does not create an attorney-client relationship with anyone. If you need an attorney, hire one.