Wednesday, February 15, 2012

This love we have

There is a song by Patty Loveless, You don't even know who I am, about the day a marriage dies. The spouses realize that they do not know each other and she drives away. He calls to say sorry but he doesn't know what for.

Are you saying sorry to make someone feel better? Do you know what you are sorry for? This used to be such a trying thing between my husband and I early in our marriage. We would have a misunderstanding. We would argue. I'd say sorry even when I had no idea what I was sorry for! Sorry for fighting. Sorry for not being good enough. Sorry for what....

1 Peter 3:1Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,

I was using words to fight battles that didn't need to be fought at all. We teach each other how to treat us, forgetting that God already told us how to be. Throughout the Bible there are rules, directives and instructions for both husbands and wives. Being people with our own strengths and weaknesses it is not reasonable to expect every Christian couple to look, sound or act the same. We are not the same. No one is.

Some wives I know trick their husbands into doing things, they nag, cajole, bribe and beg. They offer bodily rewards for good behaviour and withhold them when they are not pleased. We don't do that. We can't. Neither has the time nor inclination for marriage games.

Other couples I know work so very hard to never disagree, never argue or fight. They think they will be over if they say a cross word or do something thoughtless. Their feelings are squished way, way down. Their needs put aside as they think they are serving the other.

Everyone deals with the stress of life in their own way. Some snip and use sarcasm. Some degrade and demean. Some gossip or vent to their friends. Some drown it in drink or other vices. More horrifically some resort to abuse to regain the illusion of control. Some sadly cut pieces out of each other day by day until nothing is left.

He is my best friend...even when we don't agree, we still love each other.

My dear husband and I are like the Alabama song, She and I. We have our own world. We live there happily most of the time. When we don't we work it out. In prayer and in action. In word and deed. It wasn't always that way though.

We struggled. We really did. Each wondered at the lure of walking away and yet we never took a step. God honoured our vows to each other, and helped us honour them as well. We learned to communicate. We learned to share. We learned that we are going to fight sometimes.

I honour my husband, I respect him. I defend him and adore him. He is my best friend. No one else has to feel that way. They don't even have to understand. I do. He does. It is enough.

We are conscious however, that as a Christian couple, we are showing a Godly marriage to those around us. A living, breathing, real life marriage. Of equals but not the same. Of best friends who are not clones.

There are a lot of 'models' out there that we don't fit. It doesn't make them wrong. It doesn't make us better. We are who we are, and God created two unique people, brought them together in an amazing way to love in ways that are totally out of this world!

We surrender to each other's strengths in life, in faith and in love. The roles we have balance our marriage and honour God. We have said the same promise to each other every night since our marriage, and before that even. It always ends with, thank you God for him/her. Always.

Whatever the day brings, we face it together. We don't agree always, wouldn't that be boring? We are both strong willed in different ways. Talk about oxen and asses in the same hitch (you pick who is who...he knows and so do I! It changes daily! ha! ha!)

I know the way he looks at me that he loves me more than words can say. He knows the way I look at him that I love him more than words can say.

Feelings get hurt but we know it isn't intentional. Angry words get said but no one walks away. Life gets stressful and brings us to our knees, we join hands and we pray.

Where do we fit in this world of plans and programs? How does my marriage, blessed by God and one of surrender to each other and to God, fit in? It doesn't. It doesn't have to. Surprised? Don't be. God designed each of us from the womb, through the experiences of our lives to be who we are right now, where we are right now. Seek counsel. Seek advice. But always seek it prayerfully. Seek it looking to the Word of God as the final answer.

This love we have is so wonderful and yet it does not even begin to compare to His love for us! Love one another as He loved us. (Read John 13:34-35) They will know we love Him when they see how we love each other. Don't struggle to fit in with a plan or program, don't force your husband into a role that isn't his and don't be pushed into one that is not yours. Trust God to lead your marriage and your life. Trust each other in faith.

And don't forget to live, laugh and love! Fully. Every day. Every moment is a precious gift. Cherish it. Be blessed by it.