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Re-Mascoting the SEC: Tennessee

/Lindsay Lohan comes in, big sunglasses, texting, most likely still strung out from last night

Oh hey, like, what’s up?

Listen, these two degenerates outside the building asked me to read this, so like, i guess i will and stuff GOD SO LAME.

/two degenerates, known also as fluffy and Whiskey Indian November, sneak in to listen

“Hello, my name is the Tennessee Lindsay Lohan’s.”

UM, my name is not Tennessee.

/someone off camera says something to Lindsey

okay, I’ll keep reading so i can get paid.. psh, like i need the money ANYWAYS

/Lindsay’s accountant off-screen: trust me be-atch, you DO need it

“Hello, my name is the Tennessee Lindsey Lohan’s. I USED to be called the Tennessee Volunteers, but let’s be real, I never Volunteered for anything, except maybe court ordered community service.” SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS ARE JACKASSES (continues after cursing Shirts or Skins) “So why am I now the Tennessee Lindsay Lohan’s you ask? Well I’ll tell you: because I’m pretty well-known when the truth is I haven’t done anything really to deserve it.”

WHAT?!?! I am not reading anymore of this i don’t care if you guys were gonna pay me

/checks bank accounts, check’s with drug dealer who doesn’t take American Express, continues

“I’m all famous and stuff, when really my peers around me, such as Mila Kunis (Alabama) and Natalie Portman (Florida) are the more talented ones and continue to be successful while I continue to make bad decisions (hires Lane Kiffin, Hires Bruce Pearl, Hires Ed Orgeron to do anything other than clean the toilets). “I am so jealous of those two girls (athletic programs)” this is right, I really am (sighs, continues). “So don’t be fooled by the company I keep, in the end I am not Mila (Alabama) and I am certainly no Natalie (Florida), I’m just lindsay lohan, the jealous under-achiever who continues to spend money I don’t have.”

/Lohan cries

BUT I MADE PARENT TRAP YOU JERKS THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO!!! (Clint Stoerner got me in the national championship like a million years ago and hardly anyone remembers it)

/Lohen kicks fluffy in the groin

/Lohan punches Whiskey Indian November in the nipple

/Lohan walks outside and immediately does two hits of cocaine, crashes BMW, goes back to rehab