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The US Department of Social Security just released their annual list of names for babies born in 2013. As is the case every year, among the regular Joes and Janes were a multitude of names so ridiculous, they could all have been replaced with the name ‘My Parents Hate Me’.

One thing to bear in mind: for privacy reasons, Social Security will not release names unless at least five different children were given the exact same name. This means that it’s more than just one weird couple calling their children stupid names like Coal or Blimi (actually it was 11 stupid couples calling their son Coal and 12 their daughter Blimi). That’s a lot of stupid!

One thing the list revealed was that there were a lot of trends when it came to trying to come up with a unique moniker for children. As per usual, there was the tactic of taking everyday words and deciding, ‘Meh – that’ll do for a name.’ How is that done? It’s easy.

Perfect baby name – for a boy or girl!

Fancy a name for your child that is a rarity, but has charm? That will be the envy of others but bring happiness to your ears? Beautiful, or full of power, or spring to mind images of freedom? There is a reason why US parents have chosen to bless their children with the names they have.

Look closely at the above paragraph, and you will spot 12 baby names that somehow made the list. Go on, re-read it and see if you can guess what they are. I’ll wait.

Not sure? Here they are. There were five girls named Fancy, seven named Rarity and a whopping 26 named Charm. Eight girls named Happiness, six boys named Power, 16 girls named Spring, 17 lads named Freedom, another five named Reason, and five girls named Chosen. I hope you’re sitting down: 22 kids were named Bless, and they were all boys!

And to prove that correct spelling is entirely optional, seven girls were named Envie and 15 called Beautifull. I’m confident that none of those 15 sets of parents misspelt the name by design.

In fact, terrible spelling was another trend that continues after years of the English language being tortured for the sake of differentiating children’s names. Like the name Jason but want to be different? How about spelling it Jceion like 10 couples did last year. Sam a little bit too plain? Try Zam instead. Enjoy the name Zachary but don’t want to be like the more than 5000 other couples that gave their son that name? Give Zaccari, Zacharey, Zackarie, Zacorey, or Zacorie a go. I’m surprised no one’s tried Xachary.

In fact, why not combine bad spelling with random words to create a stupid name double whammy! Sixteen girls last year began their Jurney and 17 are a Trezure. Five are a Cymphony, and five others are a Rebelle (a badass, but feminine!). Eight boys are Tuf, five were called Zepplin, and five will be known as Kaptain until they’re old enough to legally change their names.

Another trend that has been prevalent over the years is to name children after popular TV and film characters of the time. Surprisingly, last year over 60 girls were named after Wreck-It-Ralph’s Vanellope. (Sadly, the register was silent on babies named Wreck-It-Ralph.)

Less surprising, I suppose, is the number of children named after Game of Thrones characters. There were well over 1000 Aryas, 241 Khaleesis, 67 girls named Daenerys, eight Briennes and five boys named Robb. Imagine the carnage if they all met.

Unforgivingly, fifteen boys were given the name Theon. That’s just mean. Of all the characters in the Game of Thrones canon, why hope your child would be like him? If someone ever calls their kid Joffrey they should immediately be placed into custody.

Seriously, don’t you just want to punch this guy in the face?

However, for me, the most egregious crimes were these: 14 kids were called Andrew, and 18 called Isabella. What’s so bad about that? you might say. Sure, Andrew is a proud, traditional name, and Isabella is a beautiful, feminine classic. The problem is, the 14 babies called Andrew were girls, and the 18 Isabellas were boys. You’d better believe those kids are getting beaten up at school.

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