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Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Few More Senior Jokes Because You Forgot the Ones I Told You Before (:-)

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.His buddies at the club were all aghast.At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continued to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?""I lied about my age", Bob replied."What, did you tell her - that you were only 50?"Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."================================Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!"================================While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused."Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.================================
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."================================My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?===============================After many years of trying, the Russian family was finally able to bring grandpa to America to live with them. The old gentleman could only speak Russian.
Each day when the family members were at work grandpa would spend his time in the park, walking, watching the children play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought along. So that he would be able to get a little something to eat they taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."

Each day he would go to the nearby deli, climb on a stool at the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie, coffee."

This worked well for him until one day he decided that he just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the family taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."

He went to the park the next day looking forward to being able to order a ham sandwich instead of apple pie. Smiling to himself he climbed onto the stool at the counter and waited his turn.

When the counterman asked for his order he proudly said, "Ham sandwich, coke."

To which the counterman asked, "White or rye?"

The old man replied, "Um, apple pie, coffee." ===============================The Old ManA pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

==============================================At a nursing home in Victoria, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on."I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we all can still drive!"

Editor: I HOPE NOT!!!

==============================================Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; neither was barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Crap! Am I driving?"

==============================================Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

==============================================An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding."

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow."

"But the sign says 22."

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, "What's wrong with them?"

"Well, we just came off Interstate 134."

==============================================

More thoughts on growing older...

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over 50 don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

==============================================Retirement Questions

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

==============================================In our family, my aunt is thought of as a merry old soul because she sings as she goes about her daily routine.

One day I took the time to listen to the words of her songs, only to hear, "Now let me see, where did I put my keys?" and "I've got to remember to turn off the oven."

I asked why she sang about such trivial things. "Annie," she answered, "if people hear me singing, they think I'm a happy old buzzard. If they hear me talking to myself, they'll think I'm daft and send me off to a rest home."

==============================================When my flight was called, an elderly couple preceded me along the boarding ramp. We entered the airport bus, where a stewardess collected our boarding passes. As we were being driven along the runway the woman said, "What do you think, Pa?" He scratched his chin and replied, "Danged if I know - never seen one without wings before."

==============================================An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".

No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"==============================================An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"==============================================After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

==============================================At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

==============================================A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."

The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man& who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

==============================================I had just reached the wicket to purchase tickets to an exhibit. My friend was counting out admission money when I noticed the DISCOUNT TO SENIORS sign overhead. Only then did it occur to me that I had qualified at my last birthday, the month before.

I was so excited at the prospect of a discount for the first time that I yelled out: "Wait. Don't pay full price for me. I get a seniors' discount!"

Then, quietly, I asked the ticket seller if he needed proof of my age. In a voice heard by everyone standing behind me, he said, "Lady, any woman who would yell out her age like you did doesn't have to show me proof."

==============================================MY FATHER, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?"

"Nothing, " he replied.

"But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year."

"Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."

==============================================An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

==============================================Our friend, who had just turned 60, was doing some spring planting with the help of his 91 year-old father. When the older man began to put up beanpoles in straight lines, the son suggested that stacking them teepee-style was better. A disagreement arose.

"Dad," our friend finally said, sighing, "this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees."

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off towards the house. "You kids!" he snorted over his shoulder. "Turn sixty and think that you know everything!"==============================================A new wine for seniorsCalifornia vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

==============================================A Heart Warming Story - An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

==============================================A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of making cheese, explaining that goats’ milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours".

==============================================Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"==============================================A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."==============================================A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

==============================================An elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"==============================================Scotch and WaterA elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one's on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you," to the woman on her right.

"Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you, sir. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

==============================================One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

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