​Aimiende Negbenebor Sela

Writer. Filmmaker.

Actor. Model.

New York. Los Angeles.

Struggling with Success

I've both heard and read, as I'm sure you have as well, this phrase: people are not afraid of failing, they are afraid of success (I'm paraphrasing.)

I started reading this book my fiance loaned me a few weeks ago. It's by Mark Manson: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. The "u" in there is indicated with paint splatter...creative :)

In it, he dives into what he feels is a tried and true way of living a good life: one filled with contentment, love, just an overall good life, and I most say, he hit some good points. I'm rethinking what I choose to give a fuck about...

Without diving too much into the book, Manson basically says we have a limited number of fucks we can give so, you know, use them wisely. And, I agree. I just have to get to the practice makes perfect part. "Perfection" -- another thing he basically punches to death, and I kinda like him for it :)

Anyhow, so here I am, reading, living and struggling. Struggling to build a career I have no idea how to build (or rather, no clear sense of direction on.) Struggling to not feel jealousy toward the wonderful, talented people I watch whiz by me on their way to fulfilling their dreams. Struggling to put one foot in front of the other, daily. Struggling to not fall into a deep depression (I have a history.) Struggling to make some money somehow and not depend sooooo much on loved ones (where's my pride, right?) Struggling to remember, always, how much I have in my life, like really...all the wins, however "little", the daily blessings and pleasant surprises... Struggling to deal with rejection and failure. Struggling to "succeed."

And now I have to ask myself: what does success mean to me? Am I really afraid of failing? Am I afraid of succeeding beyound my wildest dreams, even just a little? (The answer is yes.)