The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully, be smart enough to stay friends with this person, because you owe them a lot.

The thing about divorce is, that it's like a cycle of addiction. You get out, and you are immediately set back emotionally to the place you were when you started the whole shebang. If that was a relationship you started in college, boy howdy, you are in for a rude awakening. Common wisdom says the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, and in part, that can be true, but it's real hard on the folks you date. If you don't want to be an asshat, you might want to check that impulse, because these are real people, and they have feelings, and as screwed up as you are probably going to be for awhile, you might want to get back down to some hardcore YOU time. Taking time after you split is natural. It's time to reflect. Time to get your sh*t together. I urge you to do exactly that, so you do less damage. To yourself. To others.

There IS a good side. You learn a lot about yourself after a divorce. And during a divorce. You can take those lessons and do something constructive, or you can bury them and continue the cycles that got you into the mess in the first place. That is the route that most folks take, and it takes some time to master. You don't have to be a monk, but maybe take some time to figure out what you really want, and where you screwed up. And be honest about it. Not just with your partners, but with yourself. It probably means confronting some ugly sh*t about yourself. What your illusions were going into things. What your expectations were vs reality. It ain't easy. It IS worth the time you spend getting your head and heart right.

Not every relationship post divorce is going to be serious. Heck, it's probably a good idea to have something entirely casual, so you don't try to replace ONE serious relationship with another, because that is an ugly road, and it hangs a LOT of baggage on the new one. Let the new ones be their own thing. Celebrate those things. Celebrate the new. The new relationship. The new trust you have in yourself. The new person. The new road you're taking. Be careful, be honest, and don't try to force relationships into being something they ain't. That goes for any break up, but marriage is special in that you had all these dreams of getting old with someone that didn't pan out, and that rocks you. It's supposed to. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong. You might want to ponder that a moment, and figure out what that is, and THEN move on, otherwise you're going to wind up making the same damn mistakes. In choosing partners. In dealing with partners. In dealing with the relationship in general.

There is life after divorce, and even great times ahead, but you need to consider some things before getting back out there. Do that, and take the time to ponder a bit, and you'll be better for it. Swears.

Your advice is probably much better than mine. I moved 700 miles away from the ex to advance my career and put some distance between me and the ex so I wouldn't be tempted to burn her house down. The career thing worked wonderfully and I was making way too much money for a man that was as damaged as I was. I intentionally went full manwhore and adopted the 10 year rule. I would not entertain dating any woman that was not at least 10 years younger than me. I told every woman girl I was hanging out with that it was not exclusive and there were others. It's amazing what women will put up with when you are completely honest about what an asshole you are. My wife was as broken as I was and I really didn't see it. After many over the top crazy life events we found a way to fix each other. I'm sure it sounds like the most unstable marriage one could imagine. But it is the exact opposite. I will be faithful to her the rest of my days and do not have the slightest doubt she will do the dame.

not_an_indigo:Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?

Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

A coworker of mine got married to his HS sweetheart when he was 21. Didn't even last 2 years. She went through his phone one day and read half of a text convo (which was purely innocent) and she flipped out. He basically said "biatch you're crazy!" and started divorce proceedings.

cheap_thoughts:I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.

A Terrible Human:cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.

Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

Things she got:-her Pruis (which she wrecked two weeks after I filed)-her piles of credit card debt (which she hid from me before and during the marriage)

The courts don't take too well to women hiding debt, and then admitting to it. Thank FSM we had agreed to keep 50% of our take-home income in separate accounts for personal expenses. That officailly made anything purchased with the money "separate" property. Mine went to toys, and paying down the mortgage, most of hers secretly went to cover her interest payments (it costs quite a bit to pay $20k of debt at 30% interest).

After the divorce, I was made partner at the company and bought myself a sailboat. It's much cheaper than a wife, and gets me a lot more sexy time too.

Dinjiin:not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce? Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.

I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

Legally, though, that's not the case....The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.

So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

I liked my ex. We were friends. We talked about the kid when we needed, not much contact other than that - but I always thought he was a good guy. A good dad.

Almost 3 months ago he got a job transfer about 2 hours away. I knew it would suck at first, my kid not getting to spend a few weekends a month with his brothers (her 2 and their 1 - all good kids) - but we would make it work.

He's called twice since then. Nothing in the last 2 months. His mom swears he's fine and she has no idea what's happening. He's 12. He stopped asking about a month ago and he doesn't say much about it. I now hate him with the fire of a thousand suns...our son is a good kid, and he didn't deserve this.

Divorces go pretty smoothly if you get everything nailed down beforehand. Kids can be sticky. Pets, too.

Every divorce tends to get hung up on some symbolic material good. One memorable one stalled over a $200 pickup bed liner. I sat my client down and asked him how much he was paying me per hour. Then I asked how much the bed liner was worth. Then I told him how much it would cost to fight over the thing. He wasn't happy about just giving it to her, but it made economic sense. After that, we agreed on the rest and it went through without some stupid, expensive fight.

After she was kicked out of her mom's house, I invited my girlfriend at the time to stay with me in my apartment for free in exchange for helping with housework. Not only did she not help with the housework, but she cheated on me for opium.

Ok, who would have even remotely thought this one was true? All 180+ countries?

Myth #7: The US's divorce rate is higher than every other country's.

Not true, but we're definitely up there on the list. According to the United Nations's Demographic Yearbook, the US has the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands take the top five spots in that order.

Good thing those count as separate entities now or we'd be #3, and very, very close to actually being higher than every other country in the world! Hardly a debunked "myth."

So, three myths out of seven were debunked. Pretty good job, Yahoo!, pretty good.

Genevieve Marie:Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.

It doesn't exactly say that.

Even if the mom is the child's primary caregiver throughout the marriage, both parents are "entitled to equal time with the kids," says Raso. The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.

This is the opinion of one person, it really depends on the state. In some states "primary caregiver" is still given a lot of weight.

Genevieve Marie:Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.

But it doesn't even mention primary custody, which is the "myth" being addressed. Without doing that, they didn't really address the "myth". Article is poorly researched and written terribly, let's face it.

cheap_thoughts:I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

Real Women Drink Akvavit:Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce? Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.

I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

kremvax:cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.

I can absolutely appreciate that and I understand splitting the property down the middle. What I dont understand is why she then gets 4k/mo for life (just under half his income) and a similar percentage of his pension upon retiring.

Makes the 100k or so I paid in child support over 18 years seem like so much chicken-feed.

If you have never been married, don't give up hope because of what you read here. Being married can be really fulfilling. On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life. And while you don't need a marriage certificate to have this kind of relationship, it certainly works for the millions of couples who've gone through it.

/married 19 years, together for 5 years before marriage//neither of us has ever brought up the possibility of divorce in our relationship///we do argue, but we never fight "dirty"

ThighsofGlory:Real Women Drink Akvavit: Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce? Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.

I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

/love truly is blind

No. Love is freaking dumb as a post.

I would have gone with "dumb as a box of rocks" or "I can count to potato!" just to mock me, but I like yours, too.;-)

rogue_L_chick:I liked my ex. We were friends. We talked about the kid when we needed, not much contact other than that - but I always thought he was a good guy. A good dad.

Almost 3 months ago he got a job transfer about 2 hours away. I knew it would suck at first, my kid not getting to spend a few weekends a month with his brothers (her 2 and their 1 - all good kids) - but we would make it work.

He's called twice since then. Nothing in the last 2 months. His mom swears he's fine and she has no idea what's happening. He's 12. He stopped asking about a month ago and he doesn't say much about it. I now hate him with the fire of a thousand suns...our son is a good kid, and he didn't deserve this.

jst3p:kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

Divorce. Not ever wanting to be away from your kid isn't healthy.

Come on, I don't mean literally days! Business trips are great. I just can't imagine packing up and walking out at some point, even though I done it before, before the kid. And we don't even fight much and I'm relatively not a doormat. Just quiet misery. Oh well.