The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. What Democrats/Liberals/“Progressives” think:

Government is more efficient than private business.

Demanding a higher wage than what you’re worth is evil, unless you are in a union, than it’s OK.

The best way to teach someone independence is to make them more dependent on the government.

Wal-mart is evil since they keep lowering prices because they don’t offer health benefits to part-time employees. Starbucks is wonderful since they keep raising prices because they offer health benefits to part-time employees.

If guns are made illegal, criminals won’t use them.

“Standing up for the little guy” means stealing (taxing) more from them for “the greater good.”

The government is not allowed into your bedroom, but it can away take your whole house and give it to your neighbor.

The best way to ensure peace it to cut military spending, and sing koombaya with people who have vowed to kill as many of us as they can.

Jesus loves you, and that’s the only part of the Bible that’s true, because it is the only part I agree with.

The government should spend billions to protect animal rights, and they should make sure that I can kill as many babies as I want.

The best way to help raise low-income people’s income is to tax the people who pay their salaries.

It’s only science if it is based upon the premise that God doesn’t exist.

Judges write laws, not legislatures.

The best way to defend our Constitution is to look at other countries’ laws.

Everyone has a right to privacy, unless it involves money.

It’s not greed if you want other people’s money, only if you want to keep your own.

If a Democratic president sends troops to topple an oppressive regime and help rebuild the nation and promises they’ll be home by Christmas, when they’re still there after 7 years we are “staying the course.” (anyone remember Kosovo? Yup, we’re still over there.) If a Republican president sends troops to topple an oppressive regime and help rebuild the nation and says they will be there for a while, after 7 months we are occupying the country.

Outsourcing is evil because 100,000 jobs have gone overseas, even though 2 million have been outsourced here.

Telling someone they will never be able to achieve because it’s someone else’s fault is OK, but telling them they are responsible for their own lives is not.

The best way to fight terrorism is to be a coward.

We should be amazed at the ability of a Democratic president’s ability to lie, but when a Republican president tells the truth, he must be up to something.

Budget cuts mean I only got $10 million more than I did last year, instead of the $20 million I asked for.

The public has the right to know about a conservative talk show host’s private life, but not about the private life of a liberal First Lady, soon-to-be Senator.

The best way to encourage innovation is through regulation and discouraging investment.

Gay marriage is constitutional, but the right to bear arms is unconstitutional.

Bin Laden was not a threat when he was offered to us by the Sudanese government twice (to Clinton), but now that a Republican is president, he was definitely the biggest threat to our national security and he should have known.