Detective Finn and the Newspaper Napper

Case#: 002 Detective Finn and the Newspaper Napper One day, Detective Finn woke up one wonderful, Saturday morning. He walked into the kitchen to make a bacon and cheese omelet, but hears a faint knocking at the door. As he opens the door, he sees a tall scrawny boy with newspapers. “Ahh, thanks Will Are you hear to give me my newspaper?” Detective Finn said to the scrawny boy. He always loved reading the newspaper and today is no different. “I’m sorry Mr. Finn,” Will replied, “I don’t have a newspaper for you. However, I do have this letter.” He handed Detective Finn the letter and walked off. “What the……” Detective Finn snapped. Will knew him very well and knows that he gets a newspaper every day. He looks at the letter and sees that it is from the newspaper company. He opens the letter and reads what it says:

The Detroit Diary 12345 Get Out Of My Lane Dear Mr. Sherman Finn,

We have just received word that you have not paid for your recent subscription to the Detroit Diary. So until further notice, you will not receive a newspaper until you pay the fine below. Fine: $22,551.47

Sincerely,

Dr. Robert E. Lee XVII

President of the Detroit Diary

And Descendant of Robert E. Lee “What?!?” Detective Finn barked, “I paid my subscription. And even so, my bill is supposed to be $52 a year. Oh well, this is the fifth time they sent me this letter and this is the fifth time I will have to correct them. I’m going to show them a piece of my mind.” He hopped into his PT Cruiser and drove off to gain some closure and a newspaper. As Detective Finn pulled into the newspaper company’s parking lot, he noticed an angry mob of people standing at the front of the building holding signs that said: Give Us Our Jobs Back. Detective Finn sighed and shook his head in pity. The economy has hit harder than ever. The unemployment rate was 25.8% in Detroit and was destined to rise 10% in 4 months. He sighed again and walked into the building. As he walked into the building, he looked around and saw the receptionist. Then, he walked up to the receptionist to start a conversation. “Lovely day isn’t it?” he asked her in a flirtatious way. “Here is your number.” she responded, ignoring her question. She hands Detective Finn a slip of paper with the number 40 on it. “When they call this number, then, and only then, can you talk to Mr. Lee.” “Fine.” Detective Finn replied. He stuffed the paper in his pocket and sat down. As he sat down, he saw a billboard that said #37 was talking to Mr. Lee. “Yes,” he said, “I won’t be here that long.” “Number 38. Please go to the office now to speak to Mr. Lee.” the receptionist said over the intercom. Coming from the office was Will, the newspaper deliverer. He came out with a large package and an envelope. “Will, my boy, what business do you have hear?” Detective Finn asked. “Oh, I am just picking up my package and getting my paycheck.” Will replied nervously. He walked out of the building discretely and looks around him before he hops on his bike and rides away. Detective Finn watched Will ride away thinking he was up to no good. He thought about putting his detective skills to good use until the over powering blast of the intercom says, “Number 39, please come to the office.” He looks at the office door and out comes a tall man with a suitcase in his left hand and a cane in his right. He seemed pretty clumsy and in fact, the man tripped over his own cane. Detective Finn knew this man needed help and started to assist him. “Thank you,” the man said, “I am John. Here is my business card.” He handed Detective Finn and started to walk off with his cane wobbling in his left hand. “Wait,” Detective Finn pleaded, “Do you need any more help?” “No, but it’s the thought that counts.” John replied. He started to walk away again but Detective Finn loves conversation. “Wait….” Detective Finn pleaded in hopes of starting a conversation. “WHAT?!?” John barked loudly. This conversation caught everyone’s attention. Even the receptionist stared in fear of a large commotion. “You know. You remind me of Archie the Archaeologist without the mole on your cheek and the Italian moustache.” Detective Finn remarked. There were a few murmurs of agreement. John’s demeanor changed from mad to glad as he started to laugh heartily, “I get that response from a lot of people. Now I must leave. If not, I will be late for my meeting.” He walked out the door, hopped in his car, and drove off. “Number 40, please go to the office.” The receptionist said in to the intercom. Detective Finn got up and started walking to the door. But as he was walking, he collided with Number 39 coming out of the office. She ended up breaking the heel of her high heel. “I am so sorry. Need me to help you?” Detective Finn asked. “No! Leave me alone!” the lady yelled. She took off her shoes, picked up her purse, and walked off quickly. Detective Finn ignored her rudeness and entered the office. When he walked in, he saw Mr. Lee frantically pacing around the room. “What’s wrong?” Detective Finn asked. He has never seen Mr. Lee so upset before. “Oh, Detective Finn, just the person I needed to see. Please help me. Somebody stole my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s journal. The one Robert E. Lee had when he was at the Battle of Gettysburg.” Mr. Lee yelled. Detective Finn sighed and asked, “Well, when did you last have it?” “Well,” Mr. Lee said, “Before Will came into the office, I noticed it sitting on its pedestal and I told myself, ‘Self, this is the best artifact ever.’ So then, Will came in and asked for his paycheck. So, I wrote him a check and gave it to him. Then, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, a man was in my office demanding for a renewal of his newspaper subscription. I asked for his name and he said his name was John Paul. I looked in the system for his name but it wasn’t in the system. So, I told him his name wasn’t in the system and he became furious. He said, ‘It must be in the system because I got this letter.’ He handed me the letter that said that he didn’t pay for his subscription. So, I told him his name probably isn’t in the system because they went down yesterday and for him to expect a newspaper in the mail tomorrow. Then he left. After him was this lady who wanted to put an advertisement in the newspaper. I told her no. She tried to convince me and left me the ad she wanted to put in the newspaper…..” “Wait, can I see that advertisement?” Detective Finn asked. “Sure,” Mr. Lee affirmed, “That thing is like gum on the bottom of my shoe. It’s a piece of trash to me. It’s about some guy named Archie.” He handed Detective Finn the advertisement. The advertisement read this: Come to Archie the Archaeologist’s New Exhibit Civil War 2755 Main Street Buy One Ticket, Get One Free Then it dawned on him. Detective Finn realized who stole the journal. He started to chuckle. “What’s so funny? You know who stole my journal, Detective?” Mr. Lee asked. “Yes, I do. After all of my thinking, I have come to my conclusion. Archie did it.” Detective Finn stated. “Nonsense. He wasn’t even here all day.” Mr. Lee replied. “That man with a cane was Archie in disguise. I could tell because as he exited your office, he couldn’t use a cane properly, and that is very rare for a crippled person to not know how to use a cane. He also had a fake beard and mole on his cheek. He stole it when you were in the bathroom.” Detective Finn replied. “He really did look like Archie,” Mr. Lee said, “But those are just coincidences. Why would he take it?” “For his Civil War exhibit at the museum.” Detective Finn answered. Mr. Lee started to think about what Detective Finn just said. Then it dawned on him. Anger started to fluster Mr. Lee’s face. “Where is that scoundrel? I want my great great great….. Oh, never mind. I want my journal back.” “He is on 2275 Main Street. Let’s go get him.” Detective Finn replied. Mr. Lee nodded in agreement. They went downstairs, hopped into Detective Finn’s PT Cruiser, and drove to the museum. As they pulled up to the museum, they saw a ton of media vans surrounding the museum. They were all there to film the opening of the new exhibit. Archie was standing at the front of the museum ready to cut the big, red ribbon. At first, Detective Finn thought it seemed almost seemed impossible to arrest him in front of all these people. But then an idea sparked his mind. “Come with me.” Detective Finn said to Mr. Lee and got out the car. As he approached the large crowd of people, he thought that this is the perfect moment to expose Archie for being a crook. As the people conversed about the exhibit, Mr. Lee and Detective Finn passed by undetected. Then Detective Finn said the three letters that silenced everyone, “FBI.” Detective Finn yelled, flashing a badge in the air. “What’s up? Why do you have to crash the ceremony?” Archie the Archaeologist said, “Hey, you’re that guy from the newspaper place. Oops.” “Yeah that’s right. Archie the Archaeologist, you are under arrest for burglary and impersonating John Paul.” Detective Finn yelled. “Hey, that’s my name.” a man replied in the crowd. Detective Finn ignored that comment, “Where is the journal?” he asked. “It’s in my pocket. Here.” Archie said. He came down from the podium at the front of the museum and handed the journal to Mr. Lee. Then, Detective Finn handcuffed Archie and waited for the cops to come. “I didn’t know you worked for the FBI.” Mr. Lee said. Detective Finn chuckled and said, “I don’t. I just always wanted to say that.” Mr. Lee laughed and asked, “Well, is there any way I can repay you?” He then started to clench his journal and as though he didn’t want to let it go. “Now that you mention it, yes. You could fix my account so I can get my newspapers.” Detective Finn answered. “Already taken care of. You should be able to receive your newspapers by tomorrow.” Mr. Lee replied. “Thanks.” Detective Finn said. He got in his PT Cruiser and drove home, eager to read tomorrow’s newspaper.

“Well, let’s see what happened in Detroit.” Detective Finn said the next day. He took out the newspaper and read the front headline: Archie Exposed, Detective Finn Saves the Day He started to blush. All in a day’s work.

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