Forgiveness, Please

Conny’s so sorry she’s been absentee she’s been out pretending to have a real life. She really loves you all. Well, not the white people.

Alright, gather ’round boys and girls, Conny’s about to share. So Conny had to visit a gyno the other day. All I has ta say is ladies, take the risk of cervical cancer because there is no way that can be more traumatic than visiting a male OB/GYN in Sunset Park, BK.

Lucky for me, the gyno office is underneath an abortion clinic. Fun times. This old man clutching dozens of rosaries and standing in front horrifying pictures of decaying baby fetuses (damn, cat’licks where do you find shit like that? And how do you go to the Kinkos like, ‘I got some heathens to harrass can you blow up this pic of a partially aborted fetus to oh, say 20″ by 30″? But I digress) accosted me as I entered. I wanted to say, “oh I’m an atheist and I just came to kill my child before my three o’clock orgy — but can we chat later over gelati?” — but the clinic volunteer escorted me in before I could give Ol’ Man Cocksucker my card.

I go downstairs to my clinic and No.1 the place is weird because are mad MEN there. Men, who I’m pretty sure are biologically male and plan to stay that way. And why were they getting quicker service? I mean Dr. Shapiro that may be your frat bro but this is the damn OB/GYN clinic. Like let us womenfolk get ahead somewhere!

Also, they were playing I Love New York on the waiting room TVs. So, I’m waiting to see if I’m sterile or not and I’m watching Mr. Boston take New York out in a purple rag straight from the Dress Barn and a rhinestone tiara. Fan-fucking-tastic. Yeah, that really eases the mind when you think your uterus is out of commission and you spent eleven years getting your period for fuckin’ nothing.

Eventually, the doctor gets all up in my business and tells me conclusively that’s nothing’s wrong with me ‘cept that I got the crazy. He told me that his wife has this same concern all the time and that I guess, she’s also crazy. He does however try to push more tests on me but when I told him the last time I got busy he basically said I had no life and that I should come back when I get lucky. It was twenty minutes of, “Oh, we would give you that test but since you’re not having sex…” “And, maybe you’d like to get this done, but you know it’s not really necessary if you’re not sexually active…” and “you know, since sex, sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.” So he gives me a prescription for sex and I sex to the sex and the sex sex sex sex sex.

SEX!!!

So anybody got a single friend? Or a bottle of Drano I can chug and end it?