THANK YOU. I was going to suggest Cat Piano. My mom got it for our neighbor's son for his second birthday, and after a couple days or so, I thought she was going to kill my mother.

Plus, it has a "TRY ME!" mode while still packaged. So my mom spent a whole day figuring out how to play, by ear, the intro to "Enter Sandman". And then played it. Over and over again, in meows instead of piano noises, for the entire fucking night. I swear to God, if she ever gets my kids fucking Cat Piano, I'm putting her in a home.

BTW, they sell it at Target!

Autism Monday: MOM!!! can you PLEASE stop playing metal ballads and hit techno songs of the 90s on the cat piano!!! - a huge fag, christmas of 2010

drscience

Today I recieved burned copies of the complete series of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Yessir, nothing I'd like better than to spend my time watching a shitty fake anime for children. Nevermind the fact that I have been very vocal about the fact that I detest anime. One of the discs doesn't even work.

cumtini... on ice: I'm the time spent testing every disc of an unwanted present

WET BUTT: a membership to the metropolitan museum of art while my little brother got the entire avatar cartoon set on dvd. You will fucking die by my hand grandma yo ustupid piece of shit

Rhonyn Peacemaker

does nothing count as terrible? because for the first time in my life, my family got me nothing for christmas.

Holocausplay: Rhonyn Peacemaker... nothing more we can give you can assist you on your quest. Except our blessings.

*crosses fists against chest and bows head*

The Casualty

One year I asked for a Nintendo DS. I was deploying and I wanted a handheld that I could mess around with on my downtime. I did indeed get what I wanted, and I was happy about the DS, but the funniest thing was the horrible, horrible games that my mom picked out for me. I told her not to worry about games, that if she wanted to get some, a gift certificate would do (I've learned from years of experience that, even when you ask for a specific game, the chances are 50/50 that she'll get something completely different). But she got me "Battles of Prince of Persia," a terrible card battle game; and "Chrysler Classic Racing," which should tell you from the title alone that it's horrible. I should have just taken my chances and told her Super Mario or Castlevania or something. At least I had the gift receipt, I just exchanged them for decent titles.

Autism Monday: whatr the Fuck mother. how am i supposed to fight a WAR with CHRYSLER FUCKIN CLASISC RACING?!?!

That70sHeidi

From my best friend of 3 years who I shared all my secrets with (we were 23-25 or so at the time), I received a desk set dictionary/thesaurus, a pair of ugly earrings, and a basket of scented bath stuff.

1. I bought the SAME SET through our work supply catalog FOR WORK... if I wanted a personal set I could have ordered one. SHE could have ordered it through work and gotten it free. WTF?

2. She knew the problems I had with my pierced ears and how they were unevenly aligned and I just gave up and let them close up. In addition, the type of closure would never, ever work with the misaligned holes I had even if they hadn't closed up. She knew this, she was with me when I was lusting over sapphire earrings and WHY I wouldn't buy them, because I couldn't get them in. WTF?

3. I get migraines from scents. I get migraines from scents. I GET MIGRAINES! FROM SCENTS!!!!

It was the most depressing and disappointing Xmas. I'd gotten her chocolates made with her favorite wine, and some other personalized bullshit.

I hate receiving presents because it's always so disappointing. Nothing horrifically hurtful like what she did there, but in general I get cheap, ugly things that have no bearing on my life or interests. I'm old enough to buy what I want, when I want it. I don't need "gifts."

Top Bunk Wanker: I get migraines from scents. I get migraines from scents. I GET MIGRAINES! FROM SCENTS!!!!

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.