-- Here is the official synopsis for TNA Knockout Shelly "Salinas" Martinez upcoming adult film DVD release The Notorious Jewel De'Nyle & Shelly Martinez: "Shelly and Jewel enter the world of fetish with smiles on their faces. Who will master who? Shelly is a famous wrestler that's never been in porn. Jewel is experienced. Should be fun to watch." The DVD is scheduled to be released on February 11, 2008.

Well mate it would be unprofessional of me to send porn to someone classed as a minor hehe. This has the release date as something different and so who knows when it could be out? So Shelly is inexperienced with porn and going straight in with a professional. She will do well to not look out of place lol. A fetish movie can be good, depending on what type of fetish it is. They could have told us. I bet she doesn't go that far with Jewel. It will be just like Candice stuff, but not as good.

It seems the two "stars" of this sad, sad attempt at a fetish movie had two very different ideas about what they were doing. That is just one of the many problems of this film, but one that really jumps out at you quite early. In one corner you have the bloated corpse of Jewel DeNyle making her comeback with all the energy her laziness can attempt. Jewel tries, bless her alcohol pickled heart, to turn up the heat by masturbating with gusto - shoving her sausage fingers into her wizard's sleeve and panting like a pro. Jewel is an old hand at this, and she can go through the motions. Talks dirty. Sells spankings like they are tearing her flesh off her pimple and boil covered butt. Puts clothespins on the lard parts of her arms, the lower sagging balloons of her breasts, and the outer lips of her chemical weapons factory. If she had an enthusiastic partner, it might have even worked. But that's the problem - she doesn't.

Ariel/Shelly got scared at the thought of doing a real life porn with what was once a pornstar. Leading it up to the shooting, she posted all over her website that she was not doing a porn movie - she was doing a fetish film.... a klassy one... like Bettie Page would have done. You know you are in trouble when somebody name drops Bettie Page, because that is code for camp. Ariel/Shelly does for this movie what Shawn Michaels did for Hogan at SummerSlam... oversell it to the point of making it a joke. She preens for the cameras. She overacts. She bites her index finger during spanking scenes while rolling her eyes. She grimaces. She contorts her face in fake pain in such a way that clearly lets the viewer know that she is faking the whole thing. It is one thing to sell. It is another thing to oversell in such an obvious way that you kill kayfabe and want everyone to know that you are killing kayfabe. Ariel got scared and decided to turn the video into some kind of goofy exercise in art fag camp that only the Mo Roccas of the world would enjoy.

Even the nudity is pathetic and uninspiring. Ariel/Shelly had no problems taking off her top and letting the world look at the floppy giant areola funbags she carries. She has no problems letting the corpse of Jewel badly wrap them in a rope to imitate bondage. And she has no problem showing her nicely shaped booty in a thong. The vagina, however, stays out of the picture. To compensate, the pornstar formerly known as Jewel grinds hers with both arms and even sticks a sword blade into hers while glaring at the camera in the grande finale. Sadly, much like busting out a table spot at the end of a boring twenty minute match, it does nothing to save the video.

Unsure of what kind of movie they were making. Unsure of what they were doing. And unsure of their target audience, Ariel/Shelly and her unfortunately deceased & diseased partner decided to include every mainstreamy fetish Ariel felt comfortable doing. Ben Smith will happy to know that there is a feet fetish. Beans_Fried_Pork should be careful to avoid watching the smoking fetish. There is a boot fetish that will thrill our DailyKosack Kai-Jew Stoneco (psst, all liberals have a fascist fetish... pass it on). There is a tickling fetish for us all. And the aforementioned abortion of Japanese rope bondage. There are a few more that I forgot as I was fast forwarding through this dog of a movie trying to at least find one old gym shirt soiling worthy scene.

Gentlemen, this is not a fetish film. This is not a porno. This is not even good by the standards of two in the morning on Saturday Cinemax film. This is just sad.

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