'Bachelorette': Dreams don't come true

May 28, 2013

Updated Aug. 21, 2013 12:28 p.m.

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THE BACHELORETTE - On the premiere, "Episode 901," Desiree begins her Cinderella journey when Chris Harrison welcomes her to her new home, a cliffside Malibu estate, and gives her the keys to a brand new Bentley convertible. Her transformation is complete as she slips into a stunning silvery confection of a gown fit for a princess. At the mansion, Desiree's anxiety falls away as her 25 eager suitors catch their first glimpse of her: One nervous guy tries to sweep her off her feet with a romantic dance move, but falls flat; a sleight-of-hand artist makes something special magically appear for Desiree; a hunky oil rig worker puts his amazing abs on display straight off; still another hopeful Prince Charming goes to the other extreme, showing up in a medieval suit of armor. But the one who steals her heart is the youngest bachelor ever to step out of a limo -- a four-year-old boy who is followed by his proud, single dad, in the ninth edition of "The Bachelorette," the female version of ABC's hit romance reality series, premiering MONDAY, MAY 27 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Rick Rowell) MICAH, DESIREE HARTSOCK ABC

THE BACHELORETTE - On the premiere, "Episode 901," Desiree begins her Cinderella journey when Chris Harrison welcomes her to her new home, a cliffside Malibu estate, and gives her the keys to a brand new Bentley convertible. Her transformation is complete as she slips into a stunning silvery confection of a gown fit for a princess. At the mansion, Desiree's anxiety falls away as her 25 eager suitors catch their first glimpse of her: One nervous guy tries to sweep her off her feet with a romantic dance move, but falls flat; a sleight-of-hand artist makes something special magically appear for Desiree; a hunky oil rig worker puts his amazing abs on display straight off; still another hopeful Prince Charming goes to the other extreme, showing up in a medieval suit of armor. But the one who steals her heart is the youngest bachelor ever to step out of a limo -- a four-year-old boy who is followed by his proud, single dad, in the ninth edition of "The Bachelorette," the female version of ABC's hit romance reality series, premiering MONDAY, MAY 27 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Rick Rowell) MICAH, DESIREE HARTSOCK ABC

I had a fairy-tale season in mind for "The Bachelorette."

We began with two Orange County men on the show - Zack Kalter and Brandon Andreen - and the Watcher clinging to a fervent hope. If new Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock booted both guys after the cocktail party, we could quickly forget about the season and spend our Mondays obsessing about the pending horror that is "America's Got Talent."

Sadly, Des decided to keep both boys in the fold a little longer, forcing us to pay attention to the show.

Des, as you recall, was the big winner of Sean Lowe's season - getting rejected by Sean in fourth place and earning her own show. Des told us that she is over the heartbreak of being jilted by Sean and is now convinced she is "in the right place" - just about the time Chris Harrison handed her the keys to a Bentley. Nothing says "emotional recovery" as clearly as a $200,000 car.

Once we were assured that poor Des was OK, we moved on to the horror of the introductions, filled with the usual general awkwardness and even more awkward bad jokes, along with the usual props: a soccer ball, a bad jacket, a 4-year-old boy, a suit of armor and a wishbone. Not sure what kind of bird the wishbone came from, but it was definitely delivered by a turkey.

Zack showed up in a tux and sneakers but quickly peeled them off for a dip in the pool that earned him an early Rose.

Brandon confessed his rough upbringing and gave Des his mother's seven-years-sober coin - although he wants it back at the hometown visit. Despite that, Des rewarded him with a Rose at the ceremony.

Otherwise, it was as unremarkable and predictable an episode as we could expect. And so, our dreams crushed, we soldier on to episode two.

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