Archive for June, 2008

[continued from here…]
Because we were worried that Ah Beng could be someone more than just a common ruffian, like a loan shark or something, we decided to lodge a police report just to be safe. So after speeding off from the last spot of altercation, we made a beeline to the nearest police station.

There were 2 police officers in the police station that we went to. One was a policewoman who looked like she just had the wildest party the night before, and another middle age bloke with a pot belly as big as an NGV tank.

[conveniently translated to English from Malay]
“I’d like to lodge a police report about a road rage incident.” – I said.

The lady was the one who seemed to be taking interest so, I presumed she was the one who would be taking my statement. So I started my story from the point of the bumper collision, to how Ah Beng went apeshit after I confronted him verbally. But before I managed to continue further, the policewoman cut me off,

Policewoman: “The accident, did it happen before the center of the bridge, or after the center of the bridge?”

Me: “It was before we even enter the bridge, right at the toll entry…”

Policewoman: “In that case, you will have to lodge your police report at the mainland. It is out of our jurisdiction if the accident happened on the mainland.”

For those who do not know what is happening here, the Penang island is linked by a 13 odd kilometers bridge from the mainland. Though both the mainland and island are in the same state, the police force is somehow divided over territories… (so I learned). In my case, things got complicated for the policewoman there when she found out that I had an accident on the mainland and got into some trouble with that nutcase on the island.

Me: “So I can’t lodge a report here?”

Policewoman: “That seems to be the case I’m afraid. Your accident happened at the mainland, then it has to be handled by the mainland police officers.”

Me: “But I’m not here to report about the accident. In fact, I don’t really give a shit about the accident. I’m here to report about a road rage incident that happened after the accident!”

Policewoman: “Yeah but your first point of dispute started from THAT ACCIDENT at the mainland, so it is considered a mainland issue.”

That definitely didn’t sound right to me. Correct me if I’m wrong – does that mean if I were to be chased on foot by a machete wielding madman from a district to another, and then into a police station in that foreign district, the law enforcement officers there won’t be obliged to help me because it’s out of their jurisdiction? And if I need help, I’d have to run back to the police station at the district where everything started, exposing myself to the danger of the machete wielding madman again, just to get some help? That’s fucking ridiculous if you ask me. I was seriously thinking of Lim Guan Eng at that moment of time…

Me: “So, if I’m in danger, you can’t help me because my problem started from somewhere else? I thought I could go to any police station and you’re still obliged to help me because it’s your job? Does that sound ridiculous to you?”

The NGV pot belly policeman intervened,

NGV tank policeman: “Please don’t misunderstand us. We were just saying that, if an incident started somewhere else, the investigation has to be conducted by the team in charge of that territory… we’re not saying that we won’t help you.”

Well, I wasn’t sure if I actually misunderstood them or did the NGV tank officer was trying to twist his facts… The policewoman seemed to soften a little and started to follow his lead of shifting their position…

Policewoman: “Yes yes, I was just implying that the case has to be followed by the mainland investigation team… not that you cannot lodge your police report here…”

Me: “That’s just your administration issue. It doesn’t really matter to me if it’s handled by YOUR investigation team, or someone else’s. I just want to lodge a report, and you can do whatever you want. It’s as simple as that.”

That was only when she stopped talking and let me describe the whole incident, though she took very little effort to concentrate. Maybe she’s not used to having to remember so much things at a single cue (her experience was probably limited to recording statements about missing pets, undergarments or slippers). I guess that explains why the policewoman asked if I would like to type the report myself, and I went ahead to do it with my less than refined BeeEm (it eventually had to be edited a few times by the officer due to my crappy command of language). That was it.

The case was then taken over by the mainland police team, who was a zillion times more professional than the couple of odd delinquents we met at the police station that day. The inspector in charge told me that he dispatched a couple of officers to pay Ah Beng a visit and had his statement taken. As expected, he denied everything he did and he even justified for his rash behavior by blaming the car before him, which he alleged was tail-gating him ‘too close’ – making him all irrational (Emily recalled that there was no car behind him when he hit my car). What a lame ass retard. I wonder what happened to the macho side of him – having the guts to be such a badass, but do not have the guts to confess. Anyway, the inspector assured me that this guy is a nobody and has a squeaky clean record, and that I shouldn’t worry anything about him – which was a relief for me. He was let off with a warning and I requested to have this incident kept in his record for his future employer’s reference. This was assured to me… and then we proceed to have a small chat, and that incident went past as just another bad episode with an asshole on the road.

[continued from here…]
Ah Beng, probably thinking that I was scared of him, caught up to my car a few kilometers down the bridge highway to give me a stinky eye from his passenger window. I don’t know what was he hoping to achieve by doing that but, I responded by flipping him a bird. And that was the third mistake I did that day. I should have ignored the motherfucker and drove on, but somehow, it happened. Emily yelled at me, “Don’t agitate him further, you dumbass! Why did you flip him a bird??”. Alright, I have to admit, that was pretty dumb… I acted solely out of impulsion because I was pissed (this somehow reminded me of what my friend PukeMachine did many years ago… To PukeMachine if you’re reading this – sorry dude, I now know how it felt like being massive tool acting like a fool… I should have been more empathetic…)

The bird a.k.a the middle finger salute, being somewhat a gesticulation of norm in our everyday traffic adventure, apparently, left a very deep impact on Ah Beng’s psyche. It must be something as offensive as seeing his own mother being beaten to a pulp with a steering lock on his planet. He was literally exploding with rage the moment he saw my finger. He was flailing his hands like a lunatic inside his car and attempted to swerve his Beemer into mine from the side (must be something he learned from the movies). I do not know if he was serious about doing that stunt but, my guess at that moment was – the loser was just trying to intimidate me. He wouldn’t dare to knock my car because his fucking car was double the value of mine. That was why I decided to play cool. When he noticed that he wasn’t getting any attention, he decided to do something more desperate. He overtook my car and force stopped me to look for a second confrontation.

He alighted and walked like John Wayne the cowboy towards my car, mumbling something which I couldn’t hear (I was still inside my car). I intended to get down to confront that scumbag but, my wife didn’t think that it would be a good idea and stressed that both of us should probably stay inside the car to be safe. So, we waited for him to come closer. I was half expecting him to rap my car for giving him the finger, but fortunately he didn’t. (if he’d done that, I would have gone apeshit and pummel him up). He would just stand there screaming at the top of his lungs looking like someone who had lost his mind. (I have to say that it was very stupid of him to do that, for he was definitely in the worst position to start a confrontation. I could have run him over with my car if I wanted to). Not intending to stay long to see him deliver a mute sermon, I made a sharp turn and sped off from the location. Ah Beng had to run back to his car and had me on pursuit. And because his machine was far more superior than mine, he managed to catch up on me easily.

He would hound my car for the entire journey along the bridge, and my wife was freaking out like hell. She frantically called the police from her cell – that we’re being terrorized by a madman on the bridge and the police agreed to arrange for a patrol car to meet us up at a petrol station nearby. So our plan was to drive to that location and see if the fucker would still show his antiques in front of a police officer. But luck wasn’t on our side, Ah Beng managed to steer trap my car to a halt short of a couple hundred meters before the petrol station. Right then, I could see that there was a massive jam behind us resulted from our dramatic showdown and again, he did the John Wayne walk towards us, screaming something that I could hardly hear from inside my car… Curious of what he was screaming, I rolled down my window for about an inch just to be able to hear him…

[conveniently translated to English from Hokkien]
“WHY DID YOU FLIP ME A FINGER?? WHY DID YOU FLIP ME A FINGER?? YOU WANT TO FIGHT IS IT!? HAA!? @#$%^&** HUARRGGGHHH!” [something like that]

I couldn’t make anything he said more than that because right then, Emily suddenly rolled up my window and locked the door (stupid me forgot to lock the fucking door). Knowing that he’s going to come over to deliver us a sermon, Emily and I sort of waited until he was far enough from his Beemer before we speed off again. And sure enough, almost as predictably, that stupid fart let his guard down by wandering too far off his car to get to us, and thus allowing us the buffer to speed off.

This time, I intend to really shake him off for good because it was getting to no end. The time I was speeding off, Ah Beng was seen making a hasty run back to his car to give chase. Having the 5 – 10 seconds advantage, I fucking floored the accelerator and wove through the jam packed traffic like what I learned from the movies and finally, managed to shake off Ah Beng for good. Quite a feat for outrunning a 323i (or perhaps Ah Beng was too much of a wuss to handle his machine? That explains him bumping my car at the toll in a slow traffic)

Anyway, we drove straight to the police station to lodge a report… but that was not the end of the story. The third part of the story, will be a little bit off topic from altercation with Ah Beng but more on the experience we had with a couple of police officers in that police station…

I keep hearing people say, that Penang drivers are the worst in the whole peninsula. I always disagree with that because, I’ve never actually met a driver that makes me feel that way… yet. But I finally met one a couple days ago. One road raging madman. It was an experience that Emily and I will never forget. Here is how it happened:

disclaimer: I do not intend to make this sound like a story but, more as an eye opener to you people out there – on how a seemingly harmless evening can turn into a nightmare

I was waiting at the toll in my car with Emily as usual (we were on our way home from work), when I was bumped from behind by this Beemer (yes, for the second time in less than 2 weeks). Wasn’t a hard bump but, the impact was hard enough to shake my entire car. I got down and checked my bumper. It was unscathed (2 accidents, and yet the bumper is still intact. Lorraine is a badass), and so was that Beemer. The driver was still behind his wheels, and quite oddly, and he did not even bother to get down to check if there was any damage on his car. A Chinese in his mid to late thirties, he had a strong aura of stinking Ah Beng in him, with heavily pockmarked face, stained buckteeth and slovenly attire (surprisingly, I wasn’t expecting someone driving a Beemer to be like this…). Anyway, he was wearing this stupefied expression behind the steering and appeared stunned… as if the he was just being awakened from a trance or something.

The first thing I said to him was “What the fuck were you doing man??”. I shouldn’t have said that but, I was pissed, you see. But it was a mistake. A mistake because I should have best guessed that uneducated lout like him won’t take confrontation like this well, and probably couldn’t understand English anyway but, the car he was driving actually made me thought otherwise. Sure enough, Ah Beng couldn’t understand a word I said, but he knew what the word ‘fuck’ means. The next thing I know was, this Ah Beng went ballistic and began to hurl a tirade of insults at me…

[conveniently translated to English from Hokkien]
“WHY DID YOU ‘FUCK’ ME!? WHY DID YOU ‘FUCK’ ME!? I SAID I WAS SORRY BUT WHY DID YOU ‘FUCK’ ME!? YOU WANT TO FIGHT IS IT!? HAA!? @#$%^&** HUARRGGGHHH!”

…something like that. It was followed by a bunch of unintelligible yelling and shouting. He was stark mad at the mention of the word ‘fuck’ and I could see stress veins popping up from his forehead. The guy was obviously a terminal stage nut case (though I also kinda suspected that he was probably on the influence of drugs or something). But being pissed myself, I got into a shouting match with Ah Beng… and that was the second mistake I did – I provoked someone who was off in the head. That was when he got even madder and started to scream things that didn’t seem to make any sense at all. At one point of the altercation, Ah Beng got down from his car in what seemed to be an attempt to get medieval. I was a bit worried… but got myself ready just in case. Fortunately, he didn’t do anything rash but to scream louder. But I didn’t plan to stay long, because I knew, that it was just a matter of time before he boils over and punch me in the face… and things would probably get uglier. And right about the same time, a concerned thought suddenly loomed over me, that things weren’t the same as it was 15 years ago…

a) I am not as tough as before… thanks to the cholesterol laden diet, long hours in front of the computer and natural aging. I’m a middle aged fart now. He’s probably as middle age as I am but that isn’t the point. I could nail that Ah Beng (I am taller and bigger than him), but I’d probably have to trade that with sleepless nights of aching joints, bruised limbs and the worry of him getting back at me the dirty way…

b) I have a future to be reckoned with and a good life not worth losing. Whacking the guy could get me into a shit load of troubles (both legal and illegal), and I’ll probably lose my fucking job in the process and lose everything in a flash of sheer rage.

c) I have a family now. My wife and daughter are looking up to me being a role model (of some sort). I could have gotten them into trouble just by messing with the wrong company. I mean, that lunatic could be some drug dealer of some shit… My family’s safety is the utmost importance in my life.

I reckoned that I could have creamed this guy’s ass if I’m in my 20’s, back when I was brash, bold and mindless. But now, I’m just another corporate drone and law abiding family man. I have little to gain and high stakes to lose… so it would be stupid for me to get too involved with some losers like Ah Beng here… Just like Emily said “It’s not worth messing with this loser here…”

So I chose not to confront the guy anyway. I hurled a few more insults and decided to call it off. I got back into my car… and drove off. When I was driving off, Ah Beng was still screaming like a madman, flailing his hands all over. But that was not the last we saw of him… it was just a ‘warm up’ for Ah Beng…

#somebody said: Hai world. Try to be the PM and ask yourself what to do.

My reply to him/her:

#michaelooi said: somebody – If I’m the PM, I’m gonna punch myself in the face, undo the fuel price hike, sack all my monkey ministers, renounce my PM-ship and then make way for somebody who is more capable to be the next Prime Minister.

I was required to attend a presentation cum training session at Company X today, conducted by a local HR manageress. I didn’t exactly know what was it all about, but what I knew was – upon completion of the session, I would become a much better person and be able to effectively fill in an electronic form to tell my boss how awesome I am (believe it man, this is real).

Unfortunately, that did not happen. That was because I walked out of the session halfway through. Why? Because if I didn’t, I might have snored inside the room and attracted a lot of unwanted attention. Yes, it was ridiculously boring, full of crap and an utter waste of time. Thanks to the bozo HR manageress who committed the 3 critical mistakes that a presenter should not ever commit. If you do not already know what are the 3 critical mistakes, count your blessings already and let me enlighten you here:

1) Not knowing too well the content of the subject
This is the motherfuckest of all sins combined, and yet is the most committed amongst the three. You should know what you are presenting like it is the back of your hands. At every depth and every angle. With that, you should have very little dependence on notes or slides, and naturally, you’d have the ability to push the information well.

The HR hag violated this over and over again. She made the audience sit for a whole 10 minutes idling just so that she could organize her slides in proper order lest she might forget why she was there. She made use of 50 executives’ time to make up for her incompetency. It was a gross wastage of man hours. It’s evident that the bitch was not well prepared and for that reason alone, she ought to have her dental benefits removed.

2) Using lengthy descriptions/articles in presentation slides.
Slides should be terse and straight to the point. Use graphics or charts to illustrate a point/objective, then elaborate orally. This is very closely related to mistake# 1 above. If you’re well prepared and know your shit well, technically, you won’t be needing any slides at all to start your ritual. You’d just need some oxygen and a functioning brain. The slides should be there for purely cosmetic illustrations and to bring the points across.

HR hag embellished her slides with verbose write ups, and asked the participants to read from the slides themselves. If I need to read articles, I could have done it in the comfort of my own cubicle, or even at home… scratching my balls at the same time, whenever I feel like it. Why would I need her to ‘present’ it to me? That goes on to show how redundant her role was in the training. For that, she ought to have her wage removed. A janitor would have better value than her.

3) The presenter reads directly from the presentation slides.
This is closely related to both mistake#1 and mistake#2 above. When you’re too dumb to know what you’re talking about and starts projecting slides that have more words than the bible, the next thing you’ll automatically do is to read straight from the slides yourself. This is the second most common mistake after mistake#1. The fuck I need you to read off the slides for me.

When HR hag wasn’t asking us to read from the slides on our own, she would read it out loud for us as if we were all as blind as a bat. Reminded me of our primary years, when our teacher required us to read out loud from the textbook to make sure that none of us are dyslexic or retarded. In this case, it just made her look like a complete dimwit for making all the 3 critical mistakes in one cue.

That was why I walked out of the presentation/training session. The bitch was wasting my time.