Oscar: I hate little notes on my pillow. Like this morning. ‘We’re all out of cornflakes. F.U.’ It took me three hours to figure out that ‘F.U.’ was Felix Unger. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination.

Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya?! We don’t even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make?! He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!