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This section was my workspace for philosophy essays between July 2006 and April 2008.
I call this "Prehistoric Kilroy" because it gave me practice for more
disciplined essays in Kilroy Cafe.Also see my philophical blog and Twitter feed.

Issue #87,
5/10/2007

On the Training of Cats and Children

By Glenn CampbellFamily Court Philosopher

[Subject to active editing
for the next day or two.]

Cats are a lot like people: They won't do what you want
them to do when you want them to do it. If you call them,
they'll ignore you. If you put out food on your schedule
not theirs, they'll turn up their nose and walk away. Both
cats and people have to do things their own way, and
training them can be an exasperating ordeal.

Dogs, on the other hand, are easily trainable. They are so
needy and eager to please that you can get them to do just
about anything on your command, even when it is
uncomfortable to them.

The only trouble with dogs is their utter dependence. Once
you have trained them to follow you around and do only what
you want them to, they become completely dependent on you to
protect them. Cats are more resourceful. Left to their own
devices, they can amuse themselves with a moth or a piece of
string, and if thrust back into nature, they are more likely
to survive. You can't imagine Fido lasting fifteen minutes
in the Amazon jungle, but Felix might pull it off.

Training children and other humans is a lot like herding
cats. They will rarely do what you tell them to. Give them
a rule, and they'll find a way to sneak around it. Both
humans and cats possess a bastard independence that can
make training a nightmare.

So what's a trainer to do? Step back a bit and let them do
things their way.

Cats and people don't respond well to direct orders: fetch,
roll over, play dead. Instead, they have to find their own
way to achieve their own goals.

The situation isn't totally hopeless, in that you know what
a cat is going to do eventually. If you put some food out,
and the cat walks away, there is no need to panic. He's
going to be back sooner or later. He's not going to starve.

Some owners panic when this happens. "Oh my God, my
Sweetie's not eating! What am I going to do?" So they go out
and buy some other kind of food, and another and another,
until Sweetie gets around to eating. What you have after a
while is a spoiled brat cat—i.e. a Paris Hilton
cat—who knows that she totally controls you and
who has no incentive to take responsibility for herself.

Cats in this circumstance are almost always going to push
you, seeing how many hoops they can get you to jump
through at their command. The training of cats
always runs this risk: that the trainer becomes the
trainee. Cats and children are always going to test you
this way, and the trainer must be savvy to avoid being
manipulated.

The only tools you can count on are boundaries and rewards.
For example, the need for food is a pretty clear boundary.
The cat might ignore the food you put down for him, but
eventually you know he'll be back. The cat might have to get
really hungry and miserable before he gives in, but you know
he will.

In the case of children, when they get hungry and miserable,
they are going to cry and throw tizzy fits. Many trainers
aren't strong enough to withstand this onslaught. If the kid
throws a tantrum, in most cases the parents give in before
the child does.

It is the nature of children to always push the envelope,
and if the envelope stretches in response, then they are
going to push it further. A strong trainer is going to hold
the envelope firm. The child shall not be allowed to break
his boundaries by throwing himself against them.

If he wants his boundaries changed, he needs to negotiate it
in advance. And he needs to pay an appropriate price in this
negotiation.

Which brings us to the reward part. There are always things
that kids want and parents can provide that aren't essential
for survival. Typically, the child asks for something and
the parent gives it. This exchange is a natural
opportunity for training. It is an energy source that can
and must be used for something.

If the kid wants to go to Disneyland, you should never just
go. Any privilege like this has to be earned. Disneyland
should never be a gift. It should be the end point in a
process that the kid has actively participated in.

If Disneyland is just given, it won't be worth much. If it
is earned, then it could be the event of a lifetime. Of
course, Disneyland itself is pretty hokey. How many times can
you ride on Dumbo? The point is, if it is something the kid
wants, he has to pay for it.

So many of these opportunities are lost when the kid asks
for something and the parent simply gives it to him. Any
instance of asking should automatically trigger a parental
response: Okay, what can I get out of this? The parent
names the price, and the kid is either willing to pay it or
he isn't.

This is where the parent has to lay off and let the kid come
to his own conclusion. "You want to go to Disneyland, so
here is the price. What are you going to do?" The kid has
to process it in his own way and in his own time. Tantrums
certainly shouldn't work, and the parent would be making a big
mistake if named a price for Disneyland but later gave it
away for free.

It is like laying the food on the floor: Either the cat eats
it or he doesn't. The cat may sulk for a while, but
eventually he'll get around to making a decision.

However, if the kid is smart and has some experience in this
game, he's going to come back with a counter-offer. This is
good! It is a way for him to take your terms and customize
them for his world.

This is where cats and dogs are different. With a dog, you
just tell him what to do and he does it. With a cat, you
lay out the general parameters of behavior and you let him
decide how to implement them.

One of the most powerful training tools for cats or children
is simply to wait. You lay out the parameters; he throws his
little tizzy fit and goes off sulking. Your job then is
to back off. If you put out the food and the cat ignores
it, you know that sooner or later he will be back.
Likewise, if a kid wants something, and you are the only way
he can get it, then eventually he will back to the
negotiating table. If he wants to sulk for a while, that's
his business.

Sulking is not something we should be offended by or
interfere with. The kids "attitude" in itself isn't really
important and should neither by punished or rewarded. All
the parent should care about is results.

Sulking, tantrums, pleading and theatrics are just part of
the kid's testing process. All of them should be ignored.
"You want something, this is the price, what are you going
to do?" Only negotiation should get the kid where he wants
to go.