Monday, February 20, 2006

Oh, what a world

Just got back from Betty West's. She's having a terrible time at the moment. Not only are her sinuses playing up but her sister was recently killed when a shed fell on her.It was her own silly fault. She was wandering about behind the Homebase lorry that was delivering a shed to her neighbours, poking her nose in and tutting, when one of the ropes snapped and brought the whole thing down on her. Interfering old baggage.Anyway, the cemetery she's buried in was having some building work done on an adjacent plot of land that it owned and the shortsighted official accidently had her buried in the foundations.Now she's got a house on her!Betty's trying to sort out all the administrative problems but, like I said, she's in no fit state really. That's why I was visiting her. To see if I could help.To make matters worse, the neighbour's kid was trying to break into her house. And she had this annoying, yappy little dog that went for her helper monkey! Betty said that this girl was hiding out in her greenhouse, scoffing her face with her strawberries and leaving Lion bar wrappers all over the garden. She even took a swing at Betty with her own watering can! Little hooligan.I got around there just in time to thwart that despicable child from soaking Betty with a water balloon. She'd already thrown the balloon through an open window so I just changed the trajectory and it boomeranged back the way it came. I also took the liberty of transposing the water in the balloon with the urine in the girl's bladder. She must've really needed to go because there was loads in there!The look on her face was priceless when the balloon hit her right in it. Then it doubled in value when she realised she was soaked in piss.Just when she was about to hurl a string of abuse, Betty, who'd pulled herself together a bit, launched a spell at her. The girl's face fell. Her mouth making an 'o' of surprise. She stood like that for what seemed like an eternity before slowly and carefully sidling off the property, clutching her backside."What did you hit her with?" I asked Betty."The only spell that came to mind. The one to loosen a ring that's stuck on a finger." And Betty turned to me and grinned a gummy grin. "But I missed her finger. I aimed a little low..."

I used to work in a garden centre (one of my many jobs) and there were at least three different plants called 'golden showers'.Try selling a standard rose called Golden Showers to someone and keep a straight face.

Explicator

We are a witch. I say 'We are' because there are four of us in this one body. Although, technically, only two of us are proper witches: myself, Inexplicable DeVice, and my SubConscious. The other two are witches by proxy: The Host (who shall remain nameless due to the nature of his work) who supplies his body for interaction in the physical world, and his SubConscious - a stubborn and contrary piece of work if ever I shared a body with one. Together, we are a formidable foe with various collectable accessories (all sold separately. Contents and colour may vary. Not suitable for children under the age of 3. No, 5. Actually, make that 8. Oh sod it, 16. And that's my final offer). Now bugger off. I'm busy!