Like a mommy blog. Except I'm not a mommy. And it's about extreme DIY and homesteading. And food, food, food. And gardening in fishnets. And moonshine makin'. And the fine mess I've gotten us into this time. So not at all like a mommy blog. Ok, you know what, just read the damn blog.

In other news, my site may experience a little downtime tomorrow due to some technical nonsense that simply must occur, lest the universe blow up and everything cease to matter. Hopefully Bad Mama Genny will only have a run in her virtual fishnets very briefly, after which time she will be up and running again, and continuing to refer to herself in the third person. Until then, I’ll still be on Twitter.

Hi, misfits! Today I want to introduce you to an overlooked and underappreciated character on this blog. Everyone? Take a good look at those photos up there, and say hi to Crap Table.

Hi, Crap Table!

Crap table is old and rickety and faux-ish wooden and scratched-up and borrowed, but it’s quite the trooper and it does the job. In fact, the half-Jew in your BMG might even go so far as to call it a Real Mensch.

Real Crap Mensch Table.

Well, now that you all know Real Crap Mensch Table, I’d like to get to the real reason I called you all here today…

Real Crap Mensch Table has a serious wood glue problem, and this is an intervention.

No, wait, that wasn’t right…why were we here again?

Oh, right, we’re moonshining again! Twist your arms, why don’t I?

You just know you’ve got some melon on its last legs sitting in your fridge taking up valuable space. And that unstoppable Robocop garden mint (unsurprisingly, not the first time I’ve compared a plant to Robocop) needs its ranks thinned out SOMEHOW since apparently the cold weather is doing NOTHING to dampen its spirits (GOD COLD WEATHER WHY YOU SO LAZY YOU NO HELP ME NONE).

So why not do what we always do in times like these, Pinky?

What is it we always do in times like these, you ask?

Why, we band together and we moonshine! We moonshine for all we’re worth. We moonshine to prove to the bad guys–NAY–to ourselves, that we will not be defeated. Because united we stand, divided we fall, but when we come together to moonshine, we stand up and then fall and then repeat the process again and again!

Kinda makes me tear up just thinkin’ about it.

**I’m linking to a reliable source for any optional special equipment or ingredients, and am telling you when there’s a free alternative. Before settling, though, consider that most of this stuff is surprisingly dirt-cheap, SIGNIFICANTLY easier, and will last you. Why not invest in your future as a slutty moonshiner?**

Special Stuff you’ll want to have on hand:
*A primary fermenter: 1 gallon glass jug, crock, or food grade bucket–recycled wine jugs are, obviously, perfect for this
*An auto-siphon with tubing for transferring the wine from the fermenter to the bottles without kicking up sediment; you can also just use about 4 feet of clear, plastic tubing if you’re willing to siphon manually. If you REALLY don’t care about wine clarity or the potential for off flavors, you can use a kitchen ladle to separate wine from sediment, but you’ll need a wide-mouthed fermenter, like a bucket or crock.
*Bottles for the finished wine: 5 750-ml wine bottles (recycled is fine), or a 1 gallon wine jug, or swing-top beer growlers; if you’re not using wine bottles fitted for a screw top, make sure you have the corks for sealing them. Sanitized, plastic 2-liter soda bottles aren’t ideal, but they’ll also work as long as you cover them to keep out light–you’ll need about 2 2-liter bottles
*A fine mesh sieve for straining the pureed fruit*OPTIONAL:A hydrometer (not necessary, but it’ll help you figure out how alcoholic your wine is and how far along the fermentation is)*OPTIONAL:Airlock (this keeps air from getting to your wine while still letting CO2 from the fermentation escape–you can also use plastic wrap and a rubber band to seal, though results are not as secure*OPTIONAL:Rubber bung (heh heh…bung) to seal the fermentation jug (if you’re using one) and have a place to stick the airlock-if you’re using a fermentation bucket, the airlock can go into a pre-drilled hole in the lid. If you’re not using an airlock, do that plastic wrap/rubber band thing. *OPTIONAL: Candy or meat thermometer (highly recommended)

Go Do:

Clean, rinse, and sanitize all tools, spoons, etc.–basically anything that is going to be touching the wine and isn’t getting boiled needs to be cleaned, rinsed, and sanitized. See my post on doing that for the products and processes you’ll want to use.

Puree watermelon and mint in batches in a food processor. The resulting mixture will be thin and soupy (about 9 1/2 cups). Put it in a large pot with 2 cups water and all the honey or sugar.

Heat until very hot, but not boiling (185 degrees), and hold it at that temp for half an hour, stirring occasionally. Meanwhile, boil a second pot of water and let it cool down to room temperature (70 degrees F).

Pour the hot fruit mixture through the fine mesh sieve into a sanitized bowl or pot.

Toss the pulp into the compost heap, or find a fun use for it and share your idea with the class. Now stir in the lemon juice, tea, yeast nutrient, and pectic enzyme, if using.

Cool the mixture to room temperature (you can set the mix over an ice water bath, as shown, to speed the cooling process), and pour into the fermenter.

If the wine doesn’t fill the 1 gallon fermenter to within a few inches of the top, add water from the spare water pot (the one you boiled and cooled) and stir. Take a reading with your hydrometer if you’re using one–write the number down for later (mine was 1.113).

Now take a half cup of the spare pot water and sprinkle on the yeast packet. Let it sit for ten minutes to allow the yeast to reacclimate. Then throw the yeast mixture on top of the wine mixture. No need to stir, the yeast does a good job of that.

Now put in the rubber bung (heh heh) and airlock (or put on the lid and airlock, or use some plastic wrap secured with a rubber band). Make sure you half fill the airlock with water to make it effective. You may want to set the fermenter in a larger bucket in case there’s spillover during fermentation. Put the whole deal in a dark, room-temp location.

Now we wait. We let the yeast do their thing, periodically checking to make sure there’s still water in the airlock. Over the next week or two, you’ll hear lots of bubbling and gurgling going on and will see bubbles coming out the airlock. It’s a beautiful thing. Then things slow down and yeast die and drop to the bottom of the fermenter–ah, sediment, can’t live with you, can’t live withou–actually, I just can’t live with you.

Anyhow. If you were an advanced winemaker, you’d transfer the wine to secondary and tertiary fermenters, but it’s not strictly necessary, and I’d like to keep things simple for you beginners. Leave the wine in that fermenter for about 2 months–the wine should have stopped fermenting and will hopefully have cleared itself (if you didn’t use pectic enzyme, or let the mixture boil, it may never clear completely).

At this point, a hydrometer really comes in handy to know how much sugar, if any, is left in the wine. If the yeast have eaten all the sugar, you can safely bottle your wine. Use this handy online calculator to figure out the final alcohol percentage of your finished wine. You can test-sample, but fair warning, IT WILL BE HARSH AND PUNISHING, MISFITS. Worry not, it shall improve immeasurably with time. Just. Like. Us.

Now use your sterilized auto-siphon to transfer the wine from the fermenter (on a table or counter) to your sanitized wine bottles (on the floor), being sure to leave the sediment in the bottom of the fermenter. If you’re using plastic tubing, set one end in the primary fermenter, the other end in your mouth–suck until the wine siphons up into the tube and quickly stick it into the secondary fermenter to catch the wine in time. Then send me a video of you sucking on the tube. If you’re ladling, well, ladle away! You’ll have to leave enough space at the top of the wine bottles for sealing, about 2 inches.

Now seal using a corker if you’re fancy or a rubber mallet and some bravery if you’re not, or just apply the swing tops or screw-tops. Put the containers back into a cool, dark location, stored sideways if you used corks, and let your wine age for a minimum of six months–a year is even better.

Don’t ask how I know she’s a girl, I just know (okay, so I spied her fishnets.)

We’re buried here, and if you’ve got a bushel of your own to dispatch, you could make some of my all-natural, sugar-free pink applesauce. The sauce can also be canned as it is, no recipe edits necessary.

Recipe to be posted here, so keep your pretty eyes peeled for it. We’re making a 5-gallon keg this year, and have been hunting for unsprayed crab apples to throw into the mix. They add a nice hit of tannins to the cider and give the finished moonshine a sour green apple taste.

What’s getting you in the mood for hot cider, Halloween, chilly breezes, zombie movies, and long talks about Mastodon in front of a roaring fire? Not quite there yet? Could it be you need one of my Homemade Pumpkin Lattes to ease you in? And a cider donut? And a corn dog rolled in a bowl of candy corn?*

*Bad Mama Genny assumes no risk for any morbid obesity that may result from your taking her advice. Suggestions are probably sicker and more twisted than they appear on this blog.

Okay, so if this photo is looking familiar to you…congratulations! You don’t have short-term memory loss! The end.

I kid (well, not really about the memory loss thing, so if you got a little self-esteem boost from that, I’m letting you keep it). If this photo looks familiar to you, it’s because I posted it last Friday, for Friday Food Porn.

The Boy eats this stuff with a spoon in front of the TV…you know, ’cause he’s hardcore. I’m almost as hardcore…as I mentioned last week, I occasionally put out a jar of this stuff with a bag of tortilla chips and a blender of margaritas and call it dinner.

“Well, ummmm, sometimes you just need a Tortilla Chip and Margarita dinner. Here is an enabling moment – make some lacto fermented salsa and then you can feel downright righteous about them!”

Kate just gets me, people. Virtual pair of projectile fishnets slingshotted in Kate’s direction. Which is what I do for people I like. I throw my intimate apparel at them. Naturally.

But there was another interesting comment in the mix. Misfit jamaica-momma said:

“looks DIVINE!!!recipe please??? & is there a way to veganize it?”

You know you cute lil’ misfits get anything you want out of me. I CAN’T say no.

Truth is, you don’t need starter culture (whey) at all to make lacto-fermented pickles. You can just add a little extra salt to speed things along, and then let lactic acid fermentation and healthy bacteria take their natural course. It will take longer to pickle your food without the head start, but it works just the same. A second option is using a vegetable starter culture instead of whey. You can buy that here.

So what have we learned here today? The BMG likes to put some spice in your life. Also, I throw my underthings at people. Oh, AS IF you’re surprised.

Toss all ingredients (except whey) together in a large bowl. Allow everything to sit and “sweat” for a few minutes. Now pack the veggies tightly into the jars and pour in 2 Tablespoons of whey per jar. Top up the mixture with filtered water to cover. Now place open Ziploc bags over the jars (open side up), and fill them with enough water to weigh the veggies down and keep them submerged. When you have that right, seal the bags, cover the jars loosely with a towel, and let sit in a dark, room-temperature location. Check the escabeche for sourness and texture daily–the carrots should still be snappy. My escabeche is usually perfect after about 1 week, but your results will differ based on temperature and environment–if you’re not using any whey or starter culture at all, it will take longer. Once it’s perfect, refrigerate the batch to slow fermentation and enjoy! It’ll keep for about a year, and usually longer.

Note: If a little mold develops on top, don’t worry–this is normal. Just skim it off, rinse and replace the bag, and keep fermenting.

Another note: When I want the flexibility of varying heat levels, I put varying amounts of jalapeno slices in each jar. Then I label them accordingly: “Mild,” “Medium,” and “Oh Dear GOD.”

In case you love your basil SO much that you want it to make you drunk…

Strawberry Basil wine, bitches!

I sure hope you planted some late-season berries, and if not, I hope you’ve got some stowed in the freezer. I plan on cleaning it out and getting you trashed.

You’re welcome!

Crank the stereo to 11 and join me on my journey to immortalize one of summer’s most fantastic flavor combinations in the most holy form known to mankind…

BOOZE.

**I’m linking to a reliable source for any optional special equipment or ingredients, and am telling you when there’s a free alternative. Before settling, though, consider that most of this stuff is surprisingly dirt-cheap, SIGNIFICANTLY easier, and will last you. Why not invest in your future as a slutty moonshiner?**

Special Stuff you’ll want to have on hand:
*A primary fermenter: 1 gallon glass jug, crock, or food grade bucket–recycled wine jugs are, obviously, perfect for this
*An auto-siphon with tubing for transferring the wine from the fermenter to the bottles without kicking up sediment; you can also just use about 4 feet of clear, plastic tubing if you’re willing to siphon manually. If you REALLY don’t care about wine clarity or the potential for off flavors, you can use a kitchen ladle to separate wine from sediment, but you’ll need a wide-mouthed fermenter, like a bucket or crock.
*Bottles for the finished wine: 5 750-ml wine bottles (recycled is fine), or a 1 gallon wine jug, or swing-top beer growlers; if you’re not using wine bottles fitted for a screw top, make sure you have the corks for sealing them. Sanitized, plastic 2-liter soda bottles aren’t ideal, but they’ll also work as long as you cover them to keep out light–you’ll need about 2 2-liter bottles
*A fine mesh sieve for straining the pureed fruit*OPTIONAL: A hydrometer (not necessary, but it’ll help you figure out how alcoholic your wine is and how advanced the fermentation is)*OPTIONAL:Airlock(this keeps air from getting to your wine while still letting CO2 from the fermentation escape–you can also use plastic wrap and a rubber band to seal, though results are not as secure*OPTIONAL:Rubber bung (heh heh…bung) to seal the fermentation jug (if you’re using one) and have a place to stick the airlock-if you’re using a fermentation bucket, the airlock can go into a pre-drilled hole in the lid. If you’re not using an airlock, do that plastic wrap/rubber band thing.*OPTIONAL: Candy or meat thermometer (highly recommended)

Go Do:Clean, rinse, and sanitize all tools, spoons, etc.–basically anything that is going to be touching the wine and isn’t getting boiled needs to be cleaned, rinsed, and sanitized. See my post on doing that for the products and processes you’ll want to use.

Puree the berries and the basil leaves in a food processor until it’s smoothie consistency (8 cups).

Put it in a large pot with 8 cups of water and all the honey or sugar.

Heat until very hot, but not boiling (185 degrees), and hold it at that temp for half an hour, stirring occasionally. Meanwhile, boil a second pot of water and let it cool down to room temperature (70 degrees F).

Pour the hot fruit mixture through the fine mesh sieve into a sanitized bowl or pot.

Toss the pulp into the compost heap, or find a fun use for it and share your idea with the class.

Now stir in the lemon juice, tea, yeast nutrient, and pectic enzyme, if using.

Cool the mixture to room temperature and pour into the fermenter.

If the wine doesn’t fill the 1 gallon fermenter to within a few inches of the top, add water from the spare water pot (the one you boiled and cooled) and stir. Take a reading with your hydrometer if you’re using one–write the number down for later (mine was 1.090, a little low for my liking, but then I accidentally dumped some of my wine stuff down the sink, and will pay the price in alcohol percentage points…crap!).

Now take a half cup of the spare pot water and sprinkle on the yeast packet. Let it sit for ten minutes to allow the yeast to reacclimate. Then throw the yeast mixture on top of the wine mixture. No need to stir, the yeast does a good job of that.

Now put in the rubber bung (heh heh) and airlock (or put on the lid and airlock, or use some plastic wrap secured with a rubber band). Make sure you half fill the airlock with water to make it effective. You may want to set the fermenter in a larger bucket in case there’s spillover during fermentation. Put the whole deal in a dark, room-temp location.

Now we wait. We let the yeast do their thing, periodically checking to make sure there’s still water in the airlock. Over the next week or two, you’ll hear lots of bubbling and gurgling going on and will see bubbles coming out the airlock. It’s a beautiful thing. Then things slow down and yeast die and drop to the bottom of the fermenter–ah, sediment, can’t live with you, can’t live withou–actually, I just can’t live with you.

Anyhow. If you were an advanced winemaker, you’d transfer the wine to secondary and tertiary fermenters, but it’s not strictly necessary, and I’d like to keep things simple for you beginners. Leave the wine in that fermenter for about 2 months–the wine should have stopped fermenting and will hopefully have cleared itself (if you didn’t use pectic enzyme, it may never clear completely).

At this point, a hydrometer really comes in handy to know how much sugar, if any, is left in the wine. If the yeast have eaten all the sugar, you can safely bottle your wine. Use this handy online calculatorto figure out the final alcohol percentage of your finished wine. You can test-sample, but fair warning, IT WILL BE HARSH AND PUNISHING, MISFITS. Worry not, it shall improve immeasurably with time. Just. Like. Us.

Now use your sterilized auto-siphon to transfer the wine from the fermenter (on a table or counter) to your sanitized wine bottles (on the floor), being sure to leave the sediment in the bottom of the fermenter. (Here’s how to use an auto-siphon, if you’re not sure. If you’re using plastic tubing, set one end in the primary fermenter, the other end in your mouth–suck until the wine siphons up into the tube and quickly stick it into the secondary fermenter to catch the wine in time. Then send me a video of you sucking on the tube. If you’re ladling, well, ladle away!) You’ll have to leave enough space at the top of bottles for sealing, about 2 inches.

Now seal using a corker if you’re fancy or a rubber mallet and some bravery if you’re not, or just apply the swing tops or screw-tops. Put the containers back into a cool, dark location, stored sideways if you used corks, and let your wine age for a minimum of six months–a year is even better.

Bad Mama Genny is here once again to fulfill your misguided attempt to find real joy through consumerism! Today’s installment has it all: corseted cake baking, Foo Fighters, Mr. Darcy, sneaking alcohol into baked goods, and EVEN a bloodthirsty killer who’s not so rude as to be unconcerned that you might burn yourself!

This book of American mugshots will have the misfit in you riveted and fantasizing about that life of crime you always meant to lead. But of course, there’s no need to shell out the mega bucks if you’re bad enough to take this task on yourself. BMG says, make a regular date with a photo booth near you and make your own mugshot book. Of course, if you’re still not sold on the magic of photo booths, just watch Amelie. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Anyway, the real reason is so that you can make a cake whilst fancying yourself to be a saucy Victorian lady from a Jane Austen novel. Then you can get all swoony when Mr. Darcy walks into the kitchen and samples the frosting from the bowl. You’ll let it slide this time, but only because he tugged on your corset-laces so charmingly. And because, hey. It’s fucking Mr. Darcy.

To Enter:1 Chance: Leave a comment on this post telling me what you’d be pulling out of the oven while Jaws chows down on your succulent, meaty arms.2 Chances: Want an extra go? Follow me on Twitter for the first time, and leave a second comment here telling me that you did.3 Chances: Still not enough for you? Damn if you misfits aren’t demanding! Well, I’m an obliging Bad Mama Genny. Link to my blog on your blog and leave a comment with the link to your post.
You have until Friday, September 16th at noon (CST) to enter, so hike up your fishnets and get going! I’ll announce the lucky misfit shortly after.