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MacDonald Family Christmas Letter 2010

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Once upon a time, there lived a fair maiden named Lynnderella. She was expected to do many mundane tasks around her house…and yet, she did none of it, choosing instead to play “Words with Friends,” read fanfiction, and write a blog about her life. Lynderella, while munching on M&Ms one day, ran into a dashing young prince by the name of Prince Kevin, the Lame of Knee. She ignored him, but he tried to pick her up with that age-old pickup line:

“You stand like an athlete,” he said.

“I am an athlete,” she replied, still stuffing her face with M&Ms.

“Are you any good?” He asked.

To this she replied, spewing M&Ms in his face: “I’d kick your ass anytime.”

He was charmed by her demure ways, so he swept her up and took her to his castle to marry her. She was very happy because as Princess she could have as many M&Ms and Toblerone bars as she pleased. She continued her blog and FORCED all of her subjects to follow it, making her blog the number 1 blog in the kingdom.

However, there was a problem. The land was being plagued by the evil Dark Lord Andiemort. She was very irritating and sarcastic, and did annoying things, like chewing with her mouth open, and eating breakfast for dinner, and short-sheeting people’s beds[1], and playing the piano off-key, and typng wtht sng vwls (translation: typing without using vowels), and…other horrible things that can’t even be described…ESPECIALLY without using vowels.

Andiemort was jealous of Lynnderella’s sudden rise to power in the Blogging world, as she had previously had the number 1 blog. Andiemort, in a diabolical plan to sabotage Lynnderella’s blogging success, stole all the M&Ms in the kingdom, sending Lynnderlla’s blood sugar into dangerously low levels. She fell into a coma in Prince Kevin’s arms…he knew he needed to get the M&Ms back, but his lame knee prevented him from doing it himself (even though he really really wanted to!). What to do he asked himself?

He stood up. “I need a hero!” he thought to himself, and yet said it out loud.

“Did somebody say, hero?” a voice came from around the corner. Kevin was baffled. He was in a circular room.

“That’s not possible…” He said, as he was an engineer and therefore a big fan of the laws of physics.

“Heroes defy what is possible,” the voice said.

Kevin was about to refute that point, but pain in his knee prevented him from coming up with a quippy response.

Then, from around the non-existent corner, who should appear none other than a TINY FAT MAN AND 8 TINY REINDEER! And behind them was our hero!! By the name of Herkeelys!

“HERKEELYS!” Prince Kevin exclaimed. “THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE! Our toilet is clogged!” As an afterthought, he added: “OH, and Princess Lynderlla has lost her M&Ms and she’s in a hypoglycemic-coma! Or she’s sleeping to get out of work…I’m not sure… Either way, you need to get the M&Ms back from the evil Lord Andiemort! WHAT SAY YE?” (He added the last part because he felt that was the way Princes talked…)

Herkeelys seemed not to be listening and was showing the tiny man and his 8 tiny reindeer (why were they there??!) her lightening bolt scar on her hip (where she had had a major hip surgery just the year before). Kevin grunted to get her attention. Or just to clear his throat. Whatever. She snapped back to attention. “YES!” she bellowed. “I vow that, with the help of my sidekick dragon MEEENIGHT, I will defeat Andiemort and return the M&Ms to the kingdom!” With that, she disappeared around the non-existent corner again and took off on her quest.

Meanwhile, in a different part of the Kingdom, Andiemort was enjoying M&Ms. She was blogging about how well her scheme had worked out when all of a sudden her annoying hunchback-henchman, whose only valuable skills were video games and consuming Chex Mix in huge quantities, came around the corner (this was a real corner).

“Ah, good, Daniel-the-Hunchback-Henchman, you’re hear!”

“For someone with such a popular blog you have terrible grammar…” he replied, picking through his Chex Mix bag to avoid the bagel chips.

“Ah…yes…well…it’s good that you’re here!” Andiemort corrected herself. “I have a job for you! Rumor is that Herkeelys is no longer on crutches and therefore is a rose in my side!” Andiemort said.

“Who is she and how does everyone always know what she’s saying…?” Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman began to go off on a tangent…

“Beside the point! I need you to get rid of my rival Herkeelys before she comes for my M&Ms. If you succeed, I’ll get you the new FIFA game, and possibly mention you in my blog…and I won’t short-sheet your bed.”

So Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman agreed and was off in a dash to do Andiemort’s bidding and thwart Herkeelys’ mission to recover the M&Ms and save the day…and the kingdom…and the blog…and other stuff.

So Herkeelys was limping along (she had just broken her toe, though she couldn’t tell you how) when all of a sudden Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman jumped into the middle of the path. “Ho ho!” he said, in true hunchback-henchman fashion.

“Ho ho? Merry Christmas to you too!” Herkeelys replied. She tried to wave, but trying to coordinate this movement with walking caused her to trip and fall and break her arm for the ninth time. “I’m okay!” She said as she pulled herself up.

“I am here to thwart you!” said Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman. He was not very tactful or discreet.

“Oh. What a hassle,” Herkeelys replied. “What are you thwarting me from? And why? And wheretofor? And for whom? If a tree falls in a forest and no one is hears it, does it really make noise? And how much wood does a woodchuck chuck if…”

“Stop! Just shut up already!” shouted Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman. “You are so annoying! So as I was saying, I am here to thwart you in your M&M recovery mission.”

“Well that’s hardly nice… But very well, I challenge you to a battle of DANCE-DANCE REVOLUTION!” Herkeelys declared.

“Okay!” Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman agreed. There’s no way she’ll be good at this…it requires coordination, and she doesn’t have any so she’ll probably fall and break all her bones, he thought to himself.

Conveniently, there was an XBOX with two DDR pads set up right beside the side of the path. “How convenient!” Herkeelys bellowed.

The battle started…it was close at first, but as it progressed Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman remembered he was an awful dancer. Oh no! How could I forget I’m a terrible dancer? he panicked.

Herkeelys, meanwhile, was surprisingly good at dance-dance revolution, and she didn’t even break any bones while performing seemingly-impossible (and possibly unnecessary?) flips and break-dance moves on the pad…. Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman was awed by her graceful, finesse combination-moves…she even made an 894 times combo. Finally, the battle came to an end, and Herkeelys earned five stars compared to Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman’s measly three stars.

“HA! HAHAHA! HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! AHHHH! YOU LOSER! LOSER! YOU SUCK! YOU DIDN’T EVEN GET FOUR STARS! I beat you Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman!” Herkeelys exclaimed. As she was jumping around in victory, she tripped over a pinecone and broke her clavicle. “Damnit why are my bones so weak?!”

Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman sat on the side of the path, looking forlorn. “Darnit, now she’s gonna short-sheet my bed.”

“I won’t shortsheet your bed if you come with me on my quest,” replied Herkeelys. After thinking about it for 17 seconds exactly (it was a good number), Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman agreed. Thus, the pair set off to confront the evil Lord Andiemort.

Meanwhile, back at her secret yet well-known lair, Lord Andiemort had a stomach ache. “Oh I wish I had a heating pad…” she groaned. “I’ve bitten off more than I can digest…” She really did have a terrible way with words.

“You mean ‘you’ve bitten off more than you can chew?” a voice echoed from around the corner. Remember, this one is a real corner.

Lord Andiemort spun around, recognizing that voice. “Herkeelys? HOW DID YOU FIND ME?”

“With a little help from my new henchman, Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman.”

“What??! Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman, how could you do this?! You’ve stabbed me in the thigh!” Lord Andiemort cried.

“You mean, I’ve stabbed you in the back…right?” Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman corrected.

“Yes, yes, no need to pour pepper in my open cut,” she said, annoyed.

“You mean, no need to rub salt in your wound?” Herkeelys laughed. “HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH A POPULAR BLOG?!” Lord Andiemort glared evilly. “Anyways, I’m here for the M&Ms. I need to save Princess Lynderella, who is in some sort of coma…or is napping…we’re not clear really… Like frealz, no one knows. There’s no doctors in this entire kingdom. Even if there were, she’s a lazy shit… But one hell of a blogger…even though she forces everyone to read it…”

“Well I’d give them to you…really, I would…like, if I see another M&M I will throw up everywhere… But, on principle I can’t…a Dark Lord can’t just hand over the goods.”

“Very well, we’ll have to fight.”

“Fine. I challenge you to a game of…”

*Silence*

“…Yes?” Herkeelys asked. “Say it already!”

“I was building the dramatic tension…haven’t you ever taken an English class?”

“PICK UP STICKS!” Lord Andiemort cried, pulling out a small box of thin wooden sticks with nice stripes and such… (See figure 1 in Appendix B for a brief description of the game if you don’t know what Pickup Sticks is.)

The sticks were spilled on the floor and play began. The room was silent as play commenced except for Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman’s munching on his Chex Mix, although not the bagel chips. Herkeelys struggled to keep up. She nearly dropped a stick due to her broken limbs, but she persevered through the pain, sweat, and tears. Lord Andiemort still looked like she was going to throw up. It came down to the final stick. Herkeelys went for the power move, flipped the black stick and came out on top.

“HA! HAHAHA! HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! AHHHH! YOU LOSER! LOSER! YOU SUCK! I WIN! HAHAHAHHAAHA! LOSER!” As she jumped up and celebrated, she tripped over a grasshopper and broke her tibia. “DAMNIT! WHYYYYYYYY?!?!” She called.

“Fine, I concede. Take the M&Ms. What’s left of them, anyways,” Lord Andiemort said dejectedly. “But be warned: you haven’t seen the last of me…but for now, adieu.” And with that, she disappeared into thin air.

Herkeelys and Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman gathered the M&Ms and brought them back to Prince Kevin, the Lame of Knee. The minute the chocolate was nearby, Lynderella awoke from her slumber, and immediately began to dig in. “I’ve got so much blogging to do…I had the strangest dream!”

So all was back to normal, thanks to Herkeelys and her new henchman, whose name I believe you know by now (but just to reiterate, it’s Daniel-the-hunchback-henchman). Lord Andiemort quit blogging (she couldn’t speak anyway…not well at least) and went on to become the Chinese Checkers national champion 7 years in the running. Lynderella’s blog, called “All Fooked Up,” returned to number 1 and she even got invited to be on Bill Mahr’s talk show as a guest. Prince Kevin’s knee still hurt, especially after he tried to play basketball on it last Tuesday… But other than that, they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

So. That’s our year. How’s yours?

Love, the MacDonalds,

Lynn, Kevin, Keely, Andie, Daniel

APPENDIX A:

DISCLAIMER: some creative liberties were taken by the MacDonalds as they wrote this letter, specifically by Lynn and Andie. Keely helped some but not much. Daniel is useless. Do not try this at home, we cannot be held responsible for the contents of this letter.

APPENDIX B:

Figure 1: PICK UP STICKS: if a stick moves while you are picking it up, you lose (LOSER). Also, you can use sticks you’ve already picked up to help get other sticks (they still can’t move). The black stick is worth the most points. Lord Andiemort loves this game.

APPENDIX C:

Figure 2: In case you didn’t know what M&Ms were either.

[1]DEFINITION FOR DUMBASSES:Short-sheeting (v.) is a common prank played on people so they can’t stretch their legs when they climb in to bed. It looks like the bed is made normally, but the flat sheet is folded in half and brought back up on itself so you can’t actually stretch on your legs. HA. Lord Andiemort is SO evil.