Nine Signs She Wants to Have Sex with You

Great news, sex-havers! The state of California passed a groundbreaking bill this week that redefines the standard of sexual consent from "no means no" to "yes means yes." The bill shifts the burden of proof, in internal campus investigations only, away from traumatized victims (asking, "Did you say no? Did you do enough to prevent your rape?") and on to alleged perpetrators (asking, "Did she say yes? Did you do enough to confirm that she wanted it?"). It’s a subtle reframing that could have a major impact on how we think about sexual assault long-term, and I, for one, have been self-high-fiving myself raw all day. On a personal level, it might not sound super sexy, but trust me—this is BASICALLY SEX CHRISTMAS. Your present is not inadvertently raping someone! Just what you told Santa you wanted!

To my great surprise, though, instead of busting out the tinsel and tucking into the consensual sex celebration goose, a lot of men seem anxious about this new bill—apparently worried that they’ll soon have to, say, obtain a notarized contract every time they want to honk their wife’s boob or else be carted off to some feminist gulag. And to those men I say: You guys! You are reading this all wrong!

It’s super simple. You just ask yourself: Did this person say, with their body language or their words, that they want to have sex with me? If they did, go for it! And if you have any doubt whatsoever, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT PERSON. Not just because you might get in trouble for sexual assault, but because—presumably—you respect and care about your partner.

If you can read social cues on, like, a golden retriever level or above, you can tell when someone wants to have sex with you (and if you can’t, you definitely shouldn’t be touching a single genital without an explicit "yes"). But to assuage any lingering fear and confusion, here are some nearly foolproof verbal and non-verbal signs that your partner wants to do sex stuff with you:

Your partner just said, "I want to bang you!"

You asked your partner, "May I bang you?" and they said, "YAAAAAASSSSS!!!"

When you kiss your partner, they kiss you back.†

When you touch your partner, they lean into and reciprocate your touch, sometimes even initiating contact themselves, almost as though they are actively engaged in the situation and not just going along with it because you made them feel obligated and/or frightened.

You think back to earlier in the night and are certain you didn’t guilt, pressure, coerce, blackmail, manipulate, or threaten them into having sex with you.

Your partner is not incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.

Your partner doesn’t freeze up, go rigid, recoil from your touch, say "no" or "stop," become detached and stare at the ceiling, look at you in terror, hyperventilate, make up excuses to leave, actually try to leave, scream in pain, and/or weep.

Advertisement

If you’ll allow me to get academic for a second, the major problem with the old "no means no" standard is that there are infinite reasons why someone might not feel safe/comfortable/empowered/mentally capable of saying no--a passive coercion that manifests as a kind of loophole. It must be okay. She didn’t say no! But even if you can rationalize it away (and even if the legal system agrees with you, which is kind of the legal system’s steez), you are still ethically culpable for the choices you make based on the absence of a "no." In the course of my job I hear a lot about men’s fear of rape accusations—the terror of accidentally violating a partner’s boundaries in that "no means no" gray area††, how life-destroying a rape accusation can be—and I can’t imagine why someone living with that anxiety would oppose this bill. Women don’t want to accuse you of rape; we want to not get raped in the first place. And "yes means yes" makes that easier—among people who don’t actively want to rape other people, at least. And that’s you, right? You only want to have sex with people who want to have sex with you, right???

This isn’t an inconvenience—it’s a gift. Now go forth and bang.

† Reminder: Just because they consent to kissing you doesn’t mean they consent to other stuff! Yes, you have to continually pay attention and reevaluate your partner’s consent (as they do yours!), because THAT’S WHAT NOT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING PEOPLE MEANS. And isn’t it worth it?

Since 1957, GQ has inspired men to look sharper and live smarter with its unparalleled coverage of style, culture, and beyond. From award-winning writing and photography to binge-ready videos to electric live events, GQ meets millions of modern men where they live, creating the moments that create conversations.