‘The Real Housewives of New York’: Mrs. Countess

We begin the episode by formally meeting Sonja’s petit jouet français, “Frenchie” as she so imaginatively calls him, and he’s cute! And young! And was originally meant to be set up with the much more age-appropriate Tinsley, according to all parties involved! In any event, he’s Sonja’s now, and he has been hanging around the townhouse a lot more lately, complicating Sonja’s plan to only keep him as a fuck-buddy, while setting her marriage sights on that Rocco guy.

Petit Jouet Français knows all about this Rocco character, despite Sonja’s attempts to wall the men off from one another, which might help explain why later in the episode Petit Jouet Français just moves his merde right into Sonja’s bedroom, and has started talking about adopting bébés with her. Because that’s what Sonja Morgan needs to do: start adopting bébés.

Elsewhere, Bethenny hosts another lavish holiday party for her huge guest list of four people: Dorinda, Princess Carole, Tinsley and Sonja. The Countess is off getting married to a cheating creep and Ramona is not allowed to even speak to Bethenny on the street anymore, much less come to Bethenny’s house to drink her vodka and eat her caviar.

So, the party happens, and Her Highness of Vodka fellates Bethenny’s ice luge and Dorinda makes a number of cringey double entendres while shucking oysters.

The only really interesting thing that happens is the women’s conversation about Ramona. Apparently, Ramona hosted some sort of charity event the night before that she had invited Bethenny to, but which Bethenny decidedly did not attend. There, Dorinda confronted Ramona about the damage she did to her bedroom in the Berkshires, and Ramona blinked and smiled insincerely.

Shockingly, this does not mollify Dorinda, who is still VERY PISSED OFF about the whole thing, but who agrees to stop talking about it when Sonja arrives as she doesn’t want to Ramona bash, even though Ramona bashing is the best part of this show.

Meanwhile, across town somewhere, Ramona invited herself along on a dinner with her daughter and her daughter’s friends. Avery and her friends: “Oh yay. Terrific. What fun.” At dinner, Ramona whines at the completely disinterested young women that Dorinda won’t just get over her vandalism already and move on; complains that Bethenny isn’t nice to her; and then suggests that the young women get together with Ramona’s friends for a fun mixer.

Down in Florida, The Countess marries that cheating shitbasket, the end.

Two weeks later, Bethenny takes Princess Poland down to Chinatown for some dim sum. And our royal journalist here, who is dating a professional chef and, more importantly, HAS LIVED IN NEW YORK CITY FOR AT LEAST 36 YEARS, claims she has never had dim sum before.

How? And what? But most importantly, HOW?

So they eat the delicious dumplings which is every proper New Yorker’s birthright for Christ’s sake, and discuss The Countess’ wedding that they were not invited to, and how Princess Carole’s boyfriend, the Baron of Tapenade, is finally moving out of her apartment to her tremendous relief. They then go get some ice cream and Her Royal Sereness orders chocolate, disappointing Bethenny who wanted her to order red bean or lychee or pandan or taro or some other nonsense. Super great story. Glad we spent so much time on it.

Across town, Dorinda hosts Ramona for lunch where they gossip about The Countess’ wedding to that cheating pisspot. Apparently, the night before the wedding, all the ladies went out drinking, and the next morning Dorinda was still so drunk that she was late to get her hair and makeup done and forgot her bridesmaid’s dress. That is some excellent bridesmaiding right there.

Finally, The Countess hosts a “Sorry You Suck So Hard That I Didn’t Invite You to My Wedding, Why Don’t You Come Celebrate Me in This Dingy Basement” party. Bethenny is the first to arrive — and by first, I mean, literally aside from the wait staff, she is the only person in the room, arriving long before the purported hosts.

Eventually, Dorinda arrives, and they chat briefly about the wedding before Dorinda announces that this better be the last of The Countess’ celebrations because ENOUGH CELEBRATING YOURSELVES ALREADY, YOU ASSHOLES.

Finally, everyone else arrives, including Ramona and poor besieged Avery; Sonja with her Petit Jouet Français whose youth raises some eyebrows, including Princess Hypocrite’s; and the “happy” “couple.” As they make their way through the party visiting with their guests, Tom the Cheater jokes about how heavy his wedding ring is, complains that he didn’t want to wear a wedding ring in the first place, basically says the wedding was all The Countess’ doing, and at one point while he is chatting with Sonja, grabs The Countess by the throat to kiss her.

Finally, Dorinda proposes a toast, promising that in contrast to last season’s boat toast, everyone will be able to understand her. She proceeds to give an intelligible, if rambling toast, in which she declares the wedding was filled with love, happiness and friendship, and that she feels better about the whole thing. Cheers to the legally bound couple! Cheers to not being good enough friends to be invited to the wedding! Cheers to all the women in the room Tom the Cheater has slept with! Cheers to not having to toast The Countess and Tom the Cheater ever again!

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is really done celebrating this farce of a marriage, you guys.