Monthly Archives: October 2015

10. They really were awfully complicated – that’s Labour all over, of course, always making life difficult for people like you – but after they’re gone you won’t have to scratch your head about them ever again. More time for bingo and ale and jolly things like that!

9. To be quite blunt about it – and if you heard the Prime Minister’s speech at the Conservative Party Conference you’ll know that he’s always utterly honest about everything – tax credits were a kind of green crap that we just had to get rid of. Think of them as like the horrible wind turbines that Labour would love to plant in your back garden. Labour say that wind power is ‘renewable’, but what they won’t admit is that it’s just part of their something-for-nothing culture.

8. In case you haven’t heard, the Prime Minister has said quite clearly that people like you will all be better off by loads. Remember – he’s devoted to his lovely family and he’s standing firm against all those horrid migrants you see on the television.

7. You’ll be receiving a letter about your tax credits just before Christmas. You don’t really need to read it, of course, but don’t forget that used envelopes and sheets of paper make great presents for children of all ages – you can draw on the back!

6. Oh look – there’s a squirrel in that tree! Funny little chaps, aren’t they? And don’t forget that you get lots more security with the Conservatives.

5. After we’ve done away with your silly old tax credits, you might like to consider looking for another job or two. Or perhaps three – unlike Labour, the government will let you have as many jobs as you want! And, thanks to our reforms, you won’t even have to show up unless there’s work to do! (Just remember to keep your phone on, 24/7.)

4. You might be shocked to learn this, but tax credits were actually benefits. We bet you’re glad to be off benefits now, aren’t you? What a relief! Don’t worry, we won’t tell the neighbours or the papers!

3. As you know, the Chancellor has totally fixed the economy and Britain is now booming. And the new Living Wage, when – or possibly if – it arrives, will make people like you tons better off. Well, it’ll make some people slightly better off, possibly. If they actually receive it. And if rents don’t keep going up. And energy. However the important point is that, thanks to Labour, the deficit is still going up! (Yes, we know what you’re thinking!) So make your voice heard and demand that all those people on benefits (no, not you – we thought we just made that clear) start making a contribution!

2. Did you know that the government can’t control the world price of steel? Just saying. Oh look, the squirrel’s back.

1. You’ve probably heard that George Osborne is cutting benefits in order to boost National Security. And instead of borrowing oodles and stacks of money – like Labour would – he’s getting the Chinese to build our new nuclear power stations for us, and the Chinese are very keen on security too. You wouldn’t catch them handing out tax credits instead of making work pay! So remember, you’re not losing a filthy, scrounger’s benefit that you should have been ashamed to claim in the first place – you’re helping to cement the new Sino-British Golden Age. Well done, you!

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10. “The British people are decent, sensible, reasonable and they just want a government that supports the vulnerable, backs those who do the right thing and helps them get on in life.”

But they haven’t got that government so I’m going to have to fib a bit. Well, quite a lot, actually.

9. “My friends – we cannot let that man inflict his security-threatening, terrorist-sympathising, Britain-hating ideology on the country we love.”

I mean, good lord – he can’t even name anyone he wants to bomb!

8. “Believe me, I have no romantic attachment to the European Union and its institutions.”

Europe’s tax havens, on the other hand, are rather lovely. Have you ever been to Liechtenstein?

7. “We live in a country where the main opposition party – let’s not forget, the alternative government – believes in nationalising industries without compensation, jacking up taxes to 60 per cent of people’s income, and printing money.”

Whereas we believe in sacking workers without compensation, jacking up VAT and printing money for bankers. Labour – absolutely bonkers!

6. “You know what makes me most angry about Labour? It’s not just that their arguments are wrong; it’s the self-righteous way they make them.”

Look, there’s only so much self-righteousness to go around, and it all belongs to us. Like everything else.

5. “We know in this party that the best route out of poverty is work.”

What a shame, then, that work is also the most common route into poverty in the UK! You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you? I know I do.

4. “And now, in my final term as Prime Minister, I say: let’s live up to the greatest traditions of Conservative social reform.”

I’ll give you an example. Just the other day, Duncan Smith came into my office with a really spiffy-sounding idea. I think he called it a ‘Work House’.

3. “I love every part of our country. England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland – we are one nation and I will defend our Union with everything I have got.”

Regardless of what the bolshy Scots, the Welsh or the Irish think. Whose bloody Union do they think it is, anyway?

2. “Our patriotism has never been simply some grand notion of ruling the waves, or riding high in the money markets but a deep compulsion which says: ‘you make a country greater by making life better for its people.’”

No, actually it is just about riding high in the money markets. I mean, when you get down to it, what else is there?

1. “That’s our dream – to help you realise your dreams. A Greater Britain – made of greater hope, greater chances, greater security. So let’s get out there – all of us – and let’s make it happen.”

Phew. That went jolly well, I thought. Actually, did you see what I just did there? All that liberal, compassionate, inclusive bullshit – and we’re the most hard-right, nasty, divisive government in living memory! Well, I certainly deserve a treat tonight, don’t I? Oink, oink!