CHALLENGE.

No. 113: Enjoy 12 days of crazy

December 19, 2004

With money being no object, Q said, pick someone who's in the news and imagine what they might give on the 12 days of Christmas. We picked four winners, and we'll send them Dove chocolates on the second day of Christmas:

(To get into the spirit of this first one, remember that Victor Conte allegedly supplied performance-enhancing drugs to athletes.)

On the first day of Christmas, Victor Conte gave to thee a hypodermic needle for allergies.

On the second day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee two tubs of rubbing cream for arthritis and a hypodermic needle.

On the third day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee three vials of clear liquid, two tubs of rubbing cream and a hypodermic needle.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee four vials of a second liquid . . .

On the fifth day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee five new hats to fit my larger hat size ...

On the sixth day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee six shocking records ...

On the seventh day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee seven denials that he had done anything wrong ...

On the eighth day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee eight names of clients that the FBI could investigate ...

On the ninth day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee nine hours of testimony under oath ...

On the 10th day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee 10 subpoenas delivered to thy door ...

On the 11th day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee 11 asterisks next to the records set by clients ...

On the 12th day of Christmas, Conte gave to thee 12 black eyes on the faces of sports ...

--Daniel Cotter, Chicago

Oprah is known for giving gifts to her studio audience members, and she has updated the song's original 12 gifts for this holiday season:

1 evening with the Partridge Family cast member of your choice.

2 cases each of Turtle Wax and Dove dishwashing liquid, along with a maid to wash your car, dishes, etc. for a year.

3 French hens, cooked to perfection and served at an actual French restaurant--in France (all travel expenses paid).

4 phone calls from Larry Bird or any other pro athlete or coach of your choice.

5 gold rings in the form of an Olympic emblem pin to wear to your all-expenses-paid trip to the 2006 Winter Olympics.

6 goose down coats, comforters, pillows, or sleeping bags.

7 swans a-swimming in the private pond in the huge back yard of your brand new home.

8 maids a-milking the cows at your new dairy farm/ice cream company.

9 drummers or other musicians of your choice from any renowned symphony orchestra or rock band to play at your next party.

10 pipefitters piping the plumbing for your new swimming pool and deluxe spa.