Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly...

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: " If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

" Now," he concluded, " which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out of the pool. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, " Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

And then there were the ......

Two women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. " How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. " I froze to death," says the second. " That's awful," says the first woman. " How does it feel to freeze to death?" " It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. " You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?

" I had a heart attack," says the first woman. " You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second woman shakes her head. " That's so ironic," she says. " What do you mean?" asks the first woman. " If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

And finally......

One Texas Soldier

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. " One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban" . The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out " One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban" . Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again " One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban" . The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, " Don't send any more men...... its a trap. There's two of them" .

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

" Come have a look over here," says Paddy, " it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

" That's nothing" , says Sean, " here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, " Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

" What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, " Miles, from Dublin."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, " where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, " it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest " that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, [crude term deleted], and Schmucko.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want some change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he
wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. No
man will be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any
argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

THE FUTURE

A woman
worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is
one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting
she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and
funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the
night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE
DAY

Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing, is there?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there
to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. " You
have no arms!"

" No matter," said the man. " Observe!" And he began
striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement
for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped
and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street,
a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music
they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
" Bishop, who was this man?"

" I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, " but
his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach
him said, " Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch
that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you
honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's

brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

" What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.