panic attacks have been getting way worse lately (since another health issue has prevented me from doing yoga which, when I was doing it daily, was really helping me avoid anxiety) but I'm managing to realize what they are and calm myself down before they take hold of me to the point where I'm feeling like I'm about to pass out while driving/working. I know it's panic and not actually my lungs/not being able to breath because I feel better as soon as I get out of my car and start running around.

I emailed 5 places to find a final internship placement and no one got back to me, so then I asked a professor if I could work with her. She said yes and that she'd find me some projects to work on. AND THEN a place I was really interested in working called me back today. So, I was freaking out because I didn't want to have to make a decision and tell anyone no, especially my professor who was super nice and accommodating.

but...i called this place back anyway! even though i felt like i was going to barf. it was the right thing to do. i left a VM, so i dont even know if they need an intern yet.

Also, my school wants to pay me to make an excel spreadsheet for them because I made another similar one for a professor and my initial reaction is "i can't do this. i'm way too stupid and i suck at excel" but i agreed to do it anyway. if they hate it and i totally fork it up, they can just not pay me, right?

_________________I am not a troll. I am TELLING YOU THE ******GOD'S TRUTH****** AND YOU JUST DON'T WANT THE HEAR IT DO YOU?

Thanks!!And I talked to the internship woman just now and they can't accommodate me for all the hours I need anyway, so I can probably divide my time between the two places and I don't need to say no to anyone.

Triumph! Why does just thinking about making a phone call make me cry and feel like I am going to puke?

_________________I am not a troll. I am TELLING YOU THE ******GOD'S TRUTH****** AND YOU JUST DON'T WANT THE HEAR IT DO YOU?

The other day my brother and I got talked into taking the aerial tram from Roosevelt Island (which he consistently referred to as "the Spiderman thing") and he is really, really scared of heights. I'm not too fond of heights either, but I spent most of the ride talking him through it and nobody panicked. Sibling triumph!

I can't even believe how much my move/new job have helped me triumph over anxiety. Just a month ago, I was up all night and terrified in the morning about heading in to work, but I persevered and now I feel...dare I say...rarely anxious? I don't want to jinx myself! It's been a long road for me, and the cipralex has absolutely helped, but I barely recognize (in a good way) this me who doesn't freak out about everything and hide from human interaction. Yay!

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:36 pmPosts: 1692Location: the land of too much wine and wind

After therapy and yoga yesterday, I felt pretty damn normal today, and that feels forking spectacular. And after how shitty I've felt in the last couple months, it feels really good to post in this thread.

I did have a little anxiety before I left the house, but I had errands to run before work, so I had to get the F out of here. I took a bunch of deep breaths while I was getting ready, and tried to relax one muscle at a time. By the time I rode to my eye doctor to pick up my contacts, I felt a little better. Then I went to Walgreens to get my thyroid meds, and to reward myself I bought a couple shirts. One has a giant roaring tiger on the front, which is awesome, so I wore it to work. That tiger gave me strength today. I had a closing shift, it was super busy, and I couldn't find anyone to tell me what was going on when I got in. All of these are normally triggers for my anxiety, but I just channeled that tiger, and the night ended up being totally fine. I was nice and helpful to all the custies, and I spent 90% of my time on the floor, which hasn't happened in weeks.

It's like finally admitting to myself and other people how much my anxiety has affected my day to day life has in itself taken a HUGE weight off of me. I was even joking around today, which I haven't done in a while.

Good day. Keep it up, K.

_________________I just brought out the carrot sticks. This is war. - paprikapapaya

This isn't a specific thing, but I've been in therapy for the last 8 months for having emotional eating related to anxiety and mild depressive tendencies and most of this time I've felt like it's been out of control and every time I got a semblance of balance, it fell apart again. The last couple weeks haven't been 100% or even close, but I feel more confident in the skills I've been learning and I've had WAY fewer issues and I've started recognizing signs early on and mentally walking myself through the anxiety. It's been amazing.

_________________"Vegan to me means Oreos for breakfast." -Poopiebitch"tl;dr: I quit working to drink beer paid for with gift cards" erikasoyf*cker

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:36 pmPosts: 1692Location: the land of too much wine and wind

Thanks, lillianp! Good job, yourself!

My latest therapy appointment will also be my last one. My insurance doesn't cover mental health, but it does allow us access to five free therapy sessions. I went to four, but I didn't even feel like I needed the last one, let alone the fifth. My therapist says I might have had acute stress disorder after someone broke into our house a month or so ago. When I read up on it, I found out that it typically lasts 6-8 weeks, so I'm right on schedule. I got some crappy news last week, but I handled it like a relatively normal person--no anxiety attack, no breakdowns in the back room, nothing. It was pretty awesome.

My therapist also encouraged me to start thinking about going back to school. I have already been accepted to a community college (just waiting on my transcripts from my old school so I can finish signing up for classes), and my application to another school has been sent. I'm really doing this. I'm also trying to go back to yoga more regularly, which has always been an awesome stress-reliever.

Things are looking up!

_________________I just brought out the carrot sticks. This is war. - paprikapapaya

I went into town with bare lower legs. This is a big deal for me as I'm self conscious about my legs because of my limp, because they tend to bruise very easily and never really go brown and particularly because about 5-6 years ago some arsehole standing around in a pub doorway made a hurtful comment that has really stuck with me and it still takes a big effort for me to say "fork it, it's a hot day and I don't want to wear trousers or tights or a long dress". So, stupid thing, but I'm still proud of myself.

_________________"I go to the people with dirty onions and scrawny broccoli." - allularpunk

I contacted someone I met last weekend. I had been at a bar with my boyfriend and we went outside to smoke and started talking to someone who was talking about how she didn't like it here cause she just moved and doesn't have friends, etc, and we started talking about volunteering and art and things that were interesting, and she gave me her number and facebook so maybe we can be friends. I was worried since Saturday when this happened that I wouldn't get the nerve up to call or something and loose a chance for social interaction, but I just left a message on facebook, and when its not the middle of the night I will call tomorrow!

PS. actually I called the eye doctor and the dentist and made appointments today which I have been putting off for over a year cause I get scared on the phone, so I know I can call this girl and hang out with her and not be too scared to manage that, cause I called two places today!

I'm not sure where to post this because it's definitely anxiety related but like, in a more specific to trust issues way, but I feel the need to talk about it because dang I p. much had a huge breakthrough due to implementing psychoanalytical techniques to myself (do not recommend, was a controlled experiment or me, unless you have a safety net it is always better do do therapy with a professional etc) am kind of proud of myself.

the thing is, and this in and of itself was a hard thing for me to admit for a long time, my biggest fear when it comes to trusting people is that I will be abandoned, that I will put my love and trust in to someone and they will judge me, find me wanting, and leave. And I realized today that I have already been abandoned, my worst fears have been realized ages and ages ago and I survived. I have lived through being left and I can do it again and again. I can forking trust someone, have my heart shattered to a thousand pieces, pick it all up and you know what? I can absolutely keep living because the world is so so so much more than another person’s failure to stay.

I feel like I unlocked something really simple that I was afraid to admit to myself, still have a huge amount to processing to do but like, this is the first time in a while I feel like I'm making real and true progress towards working out my issues.

_________________Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

I did a big thing today, like a half hour ago. Even with all the progress I've made in the past 10 years, anxiety is still there, like background noise. And one thing I can still get nauxious about is riding the bus across Lake Washington. Our vanpool is out of commission these days because of our two drivers' pa/maternity leave, and my friend/coworker who drives me in sometimes had to stay late.

It was nuts to have Mrs. Face come all the way to get me near rush hour.

So I took the bus from the Eastside back to Seattle!

I have never done it. I've dreaded it for years.

I'll never like the bus, but I do ride the bus sometimes. Just never the somehow-scarier bus to or from the Eastside.

So I have a pretty big anxiety about going into the city. Mostly to do with my fear of bumping into some not so nice pleasant people from my past. Usually I only go to shops that are on the outskirts of the city and I only go right into the city once or twice a year. Last time I was in there was March and that was only to meet a solicitor. The time before that was September because I had to go in to a specific beautician for treatments because the bride I was bridesmaid for wouldn't leave me go anywhere else. So in over a year I've only been in there twice and it wasn't by choice.

So, today, by choice I went in! I had a look around some shops. Bought myself some new underwear and finally got to an Asian supermarket. My effort today was rewarded by finally getting my hands on some black salt. I'm absolutely exhausted now though!