The real-life Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, might have finally found the perfect heartmate to run through the apple orchards and chase butterflies through lavender fields with her. Jake Gyllenhaal tried to pretend like he enjoyed spending his Sunday afternoon giving raspberries to puppies (or whatever the hell Taylor gets into on the weekend), but in the end he just couldn’t do it with a straight face. (Yes, I know what I did there). But Adam Young of Owl City may be able to.

A while ago, Taylor Swift admitted that her song “Enchanted” was about the moment she met a dude in NYC that she had been e-mailing with for a while. Taylor is a graduate of Detective La Toya’s Pre-School of Hints, so she capitalized the letters A-D-A-M in her album’s lyric booklet and said that she used the word “wonderstruck” in the song because that was the subject of one of their e-mails. Adam quickly realized the song was about him and it seems like he’s been waiting for Valentine’s Day to arrive so that he could post his response on Owl City’s blog. If you’re an old bitter bitch cunt queen like I’ve always been, this will definitely make you barf up liquefied candy hearts, fairy glitter spray cheese. You’ve been warned.

Dearest Taylor,

I’ll be the first to admit I’m a rather shy boy and since music is the most eloquent form of communication I can muster, I decided to record something for you — as sort of a “reply” to the breathtaking song on your current record. This is what I wanted so badly to tell you in person but could never quite put into words:

Everything about you is beautiful. You’re an immensely charming girl with a wonderful heart and more grace and elegance than I know how to describe. You are a true princess from a dreamy fairy tale; a modern Cinderella. I’m terribly sorry it’s taken me such a long time to reply but I figured Valentine’s Day was the perfect time to write this note to you and simply say… I was enchanted to meet you too.

Love,
Adam

This is exactly the kind of love letter that accidentally got passed to me in junior high school homeroom. A letter that was folded into the shape of a heart with the words “open me” written on the front. I’d open the letter, read it, take out a pastel pink marker, draw a peen on it, fold it back into a heart and pass it to Taylor.

And here’s Adam’s slightly reworked version of “Enchanted” which he recorded just for Taylor. File this under: And you didn’t think VD could get more nauseating.

TAYLOR! Drop that apple and marry this boy in the pink castle play set that’s in your mom’s backyard RIGHT AWAY! Taylor will never find a straight dude who is into re-enacting scenes from Disney movies with her, so she needs to put on her pointy princess hat and get on this one-armed prince of cheese right away.

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