THE KNICKS ARE… WINNERS?

The Knicks won their first game under new coach Mike D’Antonio, who has apparently introduced the team to a new style of play called “trying.” With an up-tempo, balanced attack, the Knicks beat the new-look Heat 120-115 at Madison Square Garden.

Jamal Crawford led New York with 29 points, and five other players scored in the double digits. Notable cancers Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry spent the entire game on the bench, a move that sports doctors are calling “teamotherapy.”

Elsewhere in the Association: Vince Carter, elected team captain? It’s true, and VC led the Nets past the Wizards 95-85… Eat a dick, Oklahoma City: Thunder lose in debut… Chris Paul’s self-described “ugly” game: 21 points on 9/17 shooting, 11 assists, and 5 rebounds in a New Orleans win… Lakers notch second-straight blowout win, become favorites to win championship by people who like to look eight months ahead.