Dear Tim & Eric

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we asked Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim—co-creators of Tom Goes To The Mayor and Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!—to answer questions about love, sex, and romance submitted by A.V. Club readers online. Because they’re multimedia mad men, many of the answers they submitted were in video and audio form. Below, you'll find all of the answers, plus a special fan-submitted drawing and an audio message from Dr. Steve Brule. (All grammar and spelling have been left as-is.) The fifth season of Awesome Show begins airing February 28 on Adult Swim.

what's your favorite song to make whoopie to?

your biggest fan,
zach

ERIC'S ANSWER:

Dear Tim and Eric.

If you do not personally, for the most part, have possesion of a penis, how do you remember which part up the cock points up? Like the slit part VS the round meeting part. Also, who's penis is bigger? You or your father's? Or your Pep Pepper's?

My ex boyfriend James is a huge dick hole. I guess he has one too but that is not the point. The point is he broke up with me on Christmas eve and I need to know how to get revenge. See, I wouldn't care but we dated and lived together for two years, and now I'm living with my fucking parents and he is in the apartment that we had.He deserves something horrible, and I mean real bad man. real bad.

Thank you,Nicole Lopez

TIM'S ANSWER: I know. James is a total scram. but how bad could it be to be back living at home with your father, the great George Lopez!

I met this cute girl at Best Buy. She has a Mystery Science Theater tattoo, and is into the same stuff I am. I said we should hang out some time, she said to "look her up on Facebook." I did, and we've been chatting and joking for a little bit now. I'm not sure what to ask her to do next, or if she's even interested in me as more than a "Facebook friend." What should I do??????

Greg

TIM'S ANSWER: Keep goofing around online with her! Have you seen those games you can play on this site? I suggest poking her and inviting her to a virtual pillow fight. Then you can play a farming kind of game and also other word games. Then you can alert her when you change your profile pic. THEN you can get married to her.

Here is my question for Tim and Eric:
I am casually dating a guy who is super cute, has a great beard, is funny, smart and is a talented musician. It seems perfect. The problem is he lives in Montreal and I live in Toronto. How do I get to know him better across this distance?

My boyfriend and I are getting ready to move in together. How do we decide who gets to bring what into our new home? Also, am I right to insist that his libido-sapping Spagett poster be hung outside the bedroom?

K

TIM'S ANSWER: You are wrong. That poster inspires growth and fertility. You will be cursed with a barren womb if you refuse to hang the poster over your bed.

My wife is five months pregnant with our first child. We are still intimate, but she has become increasingly sensitive about her changing body. Without getting too freaky, how can I make her more comfortable and feel more sexy for our love-crafting? Please feel free to consult Dr. Steve Brule.Daniel