Quarter I:Overview: The jumpers are looking a little like a practice jumper and definitely like an away jumper. I don’t have a problem with them. I would prefer them with the black sash on the back. The bingle green somehow looks better against the yellow background. I can’t stand the bingle green against the black on the regular jumper.
Edwards had some nice touches. A very shiny Deledio kicked a nice goal. Jack is up. The Tiges are creating space well and cutting off Port’s run. One of their better quarters of the season, as they have nullified Port. They have shown, at least immediately, that they’re not intimidated. Scrappy to begin with but then the Tiges started to find their mojo.Best Moment: Batchelor’s goal, after Edwards had kept his feet in a marking contest and then gave off a long-handball.Tactic Talk: David King has the job. He says, “Richmond are prepared to play wide … they’re going to challenge Port on the counter-attack.” Ricciuto (Roo) added that other teams have realised that the best way to stop them is ‘down back’. Roo also says that Richmond are letting them kick wide, but, not letting them go forward.Best Comment: A toss-up between: Mark Ricciuto, “a little oil on the arms there Huddo”. Huddo: [after Martin’s long kick forward into empty space wasn’t considered deliberate, Razer said, “it went straight on”] “the boundary line just happened to bend there…it does there on most grounds, you’ll find.”What Dimma should say: “That was rubbish boys! Absolute rubbish! 3 goals to none! That’s nothing. We should be ten goals up. Keep it coming, though. Keep on giving us this rubbish. Okay, you done good. More of that. They’ve thrown in the towel. They haven’t come to play. They’re tired. They’re exhausted. I want more tackles, more chases, more interceptions. More deceptions, more improvisations and more imaginations.”Hopeful-Despondent Continuum: Well and truly on the hopeful side.

Quarter II:Overview: The Other Team dominated the opening ten minutes. But, the Tiges were resilient and held on. They scored a couple of goals – Wingard (“unguarded”) and Monfries (the usual snap). Some goals to Us and it was a neutral quarter. The Hoff took a brilliant mark on Deledio and fluffed his kick giving an opportunity to Griff who goaled after taking out Pittard (haircut). Credit to the Tiges for absorbing the pressure.Best/Worst Moment: B.Ellis’s roving off the pack in the forward fifty pocket, a centering kick to the goal-square and Dusty’s outmuscle-ing of his defender, his turn and goal on the right foot. A quick gesture to Ellis (I presume). Worst Moment: Ty’s injury. The horror of The Knee.Tactic Talk: King – “That is the first repeat entry they’ve scored from. Richmond have been good at minimising the damage, considering the Port opportunities earlier in the quarter. It is a stoppage game at the moment. Whoever wins it out of the center looks like scoring.” A moment later, Ryder kicks it out of the center and it is marked by Batchelor, on the defensive 50, alone.Best Comment: Gerard: “The backline are delivering rubbish for Port Adelaide. Until they get that sorted, it doesn’t matter how many goals they kick.” Ouch. Tell us what you really think.Dimma’s Speech: We are in the game. We’re still in it. We have a chance. Okay, admittedly they have a really good fitness coach and we’re a player down, but, we’re still doing not so bad. I’m liking it. I’m having a nice time up in my box, watching you boys run around. What’s my favourite movie? Umm….let me think about it.Hopeful-Despondent Continuum: Very hopeful. Tiges have showed again that they’re not intimidated. And, even with everything not going their way, they’ve managed to increase their lead. They’ve held on and looked like they’re up for a fight, too. Don’t fool us, Tiges.

Quarter IIIOverview: Scarves draped along the top of fences. Ads advertising LED advertising. To write about nothing, you still have to watch it first. Nothing happened for 30 minutes. Okay, nothing in the scoring department and only One Proper One for The Other team. Hats off to our blokes for stopping them from scoring without it looking like anyone of our defenders was being an absolute star. Maric was good in defence after a lapse. Okay, I think I have to admit it: Edwards has been quiet today. Hunt has been defensively minded. Grimes okay. Bachar was injured for a moment, came back with his finger re-adjusted. Menadue is on for Ty; probably not in the ‘like-for-like’ category.Best/Worst Moment: Maric’s finger tip on X’s shot at goal. Umpire’s decision upheld. Or, McIntosh doing some fancy stuff on the Other wing before kicking out on the full. Worst moment: Maric not getting a finger tip on Ryder’s goal.Tactic Talk: There was a lot of talk this quarter. As indeed, there wasn’t much scoring to comment on. My pencil was working overtime trying to transcribe commentary. Ricciuto: ‘get Lobey off, use Trengove in the ruck, free up Ryder, get some run in the side…Aemon is itching to get on.’Best Comment: Huddo: ‘Jones pokes it to Boak’. Nice rhyme. Gerard: ‘He seems to run quicker in a straight line.’ Gerard: ‘Just got him on the funny bone, which is never that funny.’Dimma’s Speech: Wake me up when it is over.Hopeful-Despondent Continuum: A little nervous, which means still in the hopeful zone. Thinking that we need to kick two goals in this quarter to win that game. That is exactly what I think, every time we cough up a lead.

Quarter IVOverview: Good play by Riewoldt throughout the quarter; including a great pass to Morris, whom, well, kicked a point. Wingard goaled with 12minutes left to get Port within 19. Great mark by Riewoldt after Griff fluffed his kick from 40meters out. The penultimate-sealer. Straight-kicking. Nice.Best/Worst Moment: Menadue (in Jayden Post’s number) and his goal – it was straight and the game was still in the balance. Worst Moment: Jack being dragged down by an injured Trengove. Not an ideal way to score a goal; could there have been better communication between the Port players?Tactic Talk: Roo: “very smart by Richmond not to give Port any opportunities to bring the ball through the middle, fast, so that their clever forwards can have an impact.”Best Comment: Huddo: “the buck being passed here […] the ball pin-balling around.” Gerard: “Richmond need two more goals to win the game.” Wow. What vindication! Ricciuto: “Poor bugger he couldn’t move.” Hmmm, probably mixing pub-talk a little too closely with footy commentary. Gerrard: “they’re overcooking the ball.” Ricciuto: “oh, they’re done here, look at this.” (moments before the sealer-proper from Edwards – the ball was caught in one of the Tiger banners).Dimma: We played brilliant ordinary football today. I’m happy to take all the credit for this one. I devised the tactics; the boys followed my orders and we won. Now, where is that journalist who asked me if I doubted I’m up for it?Hopeful-Despondent Continuum: I’m hopeful. Not taking the lid off. The Tiges have righted the ship, for the moment.

Postamble
The Tiges did well to suck the life out of this game. Initially by setting up a three goal lead and then by holding off Port during the ¾ when they were sort of coming. The Tiges’ lead was by no means insurmountable in the last quarter, but, Port and their crowd were well-dampened. I’m liking the look of McIntosh, most of the time, most weeks. He has got a mature body and athleticism. He is strong and reads the play pretty well. Grigg seems to be playing better – which may reduce some of the criticism coming his way. I’ve generally liked him, but, for one reason or another, he seems to stand out if the team loses – as does Morris. As Ricciuto said, this was an ugly game to watch. But, it was beautiful also to see the way the Tiges withstood the pressure and didn’t let Port find their mysteriously missing mojo. I would prefer not to see Richmond win-ugly every week, but, for this week, I’ll take it. The ledger has been squared. Two good wins over the past two weeks, somewhat balancing out the two ugly losses (to Melbourne and Footscray).

Preamble:
Richmond are still staring down the barrel. This season has been less than mediocre. Richmond is entering a tough run of opponents and the problem is that they haven’t been able to beat the supposedly more beatable teams: Melbourne, Western Bulldogs and the declining Cats. RFCRamble is excited about the inclusion of Liam McBean. Menadue isn’t making his debut. Newman is out and Astbury has been omitted. Griffiths too is out due to concussion. Will Ty Vickery stand up with this latest opportunity? Todd Elton and Ellis are back in the team. I do not expect Richmond to win. What I am dreading is that they lose by a point, after a goal kicked by Cloke after the siren. I am dreading the team loses by less than 10 points; I feel that will give too much ammunition to the coach to say that the team is improving. The time for improvement is just about up, no? It is time to win only. This season has been six years in the making.

Quarter One:

After about 10 minutes I noticed that there was no Shane Edwards. Perhaps he had been on the bench. The Pies were having the game gifted to them thanks to creative moves such as putting Rance in the centre and leaving the backline to be lead by the master trio of Chaplin, Elton, Grimes and Batchelor. Perhaps Rance is being given a diversity of roles in order to convince him to stay at Tigerland. Richmond’s only goal bordered on the lucky; Collingwood very poor not to have kicked two more goals. Too often Collingwood players were without markers going into the forward line. At one great moment Cloke marked in front of Batchelor. Leigh Matthews, who bores me to tears, made the comment, “sometimes you outsmart yourself as a coach”. Liam took a neat mark but sprayed the kick. Cotchin had kicked the ball in boad and Riewoldt had passed it to him. A rare moment of Richmond players knowing what to do. Only 20 points down flatters the Tiges. I was watching on tenterhooks; tears welling. Tears not of losing but because this is a team that has had the lifeblood run dry from them. All bluster and no substance. The Upside: only 20points down. The Downside: Getting smashed. A random defence. Dimma says, “if you give a side like Collingwood a four goal headstart, you’re going to be paddling up the mountain for the rest of the afternoon.”

The Tigers kicked a few goals in the first few minutes: something shocking. The crowd roared in favour of their team. The forwards kicked goals rather than points. It was beautiful. Collingwood came back and took an 8 point lead. I felt it was all over when Elliot kicked that goal to steady the Pies’ ship. But, somehow, the Tiges got themselves together and played full of energy again. I watched and controlled my excitement. Being behind a computer screen makes getting excited a rather redundant activity. Oh the noise of the crowd. Beautiful kicks from Jack and Ty. Leigh Matthews: “McBean is still on Cloke”. And none of the other commentators corrected him; presumably out of fear or also not knowing the difference between Bean McLiam and Elton Todd. I can’t stand it anymore: Vlastuin doesn’t rhyme with ‘stone’. The ‘ui’ in Dutch pronunciation is more like an ‘ow’ sound. My Dutch is shabby, but, that is one thing I sort of know. I know the wrong sound, but, can’t make the right sound. It’s difficult. I didn’t think I’d see an eight goal quarter against Collingwood in my lifetime. Last time it happened was 1995, apparently. The Upside: maybe this will prove to the team they can actually play. The Downside: Still another hour in which to mess this one up. Dimma says: “on our best day we can beat anyone. Including ourselves. And by ‘beat’, I mean, be leading at half-time.” By the way, I liked the way Grimes played in that quarter; he won the ball and was awarded some free-kicks. Nice.

“Some funny things happened at the footy today: I saw Richmond lead a game by 25points.” Ah, beautiful, The Tigers of Old. “I saw Corey Ellis get shoved in the back and no free kick.” “Stop whinging.” Deledio is back and getting the ball but his kicks are going awry. Grigg is playing well and has kicked some nice goals. Cotchin’s left foot snap goal, good enough to make him captain. And Bachar is injured going into three quarter time. This is a problem. We need him healthy. Cotch yelled at Batch for not punching in a making contest with Swan, who, heavy with tattoos kicked a goal and gestured triumphantly. Lethal Matthews made another error, this time pointing out that Collingwood had got Crisps in the deal for Dayne Swan going to Brisbane. Again, no correction. This man is always right; he casts the jedi mind trick over his co-commentators. What the heck? The Tiges are down only by 1point at three quarter time. Nice of that Collingwood player to kick the ball out on the full to keep us in it. The Upside: Hello, it seems the Tiges can play football. The Downside: It is not being better and improvement that counts, what counts is being better than the opposition. May well lose this one. Dimma says: “I was proud of the way the boys stuck it out today. Injuries cruelled us, with Edwards going down before the game. Griffiths not having recovered from his concussion. And, we even had a couple of players not doing very much. You can only make so many subs. I think we were brilliant.”

It turns out Cotchin is a much better player when kicking the ball forward. Nice. Straight kicking by Vickery; nice. A couple of goals from the Deledio pocket by Deledio himself. Nice. A pity Ellis’s kick hit the post, that would have been a great sealer. Wonderful to see the Richmond faithful up and about and out of their seats and jumping up. This was a game that a neutral would have enjoyed, methinks. A relief. Some hard tackling by the boys. Nice. Varcoe probably thought he would never see the day of losing to the Tiges. I watched that last quarter in a state of numbness; but a pleasurable kind of numbness. Not the usual Tiger-numberness of 2015. A pity about McBeam having a fizzer and Elton not doing much. C.Ellis didn’t do too much too and Menadue could have kicked a goal but didn’t. They might not hold their places, but, I hope they had fun. They would have seen what it takes to get the job done. The Upside: Let us hope that this is the beginning of the season proper. The Downside: why did it take so long to play like this? Dimma says: “we won it because we played well for that 10 minute burst in the second quarter. After that, the game was as good as done and dusted.”

Post-amble:
Richmond plays on the last game of the weekend giving us ample time to enjoy this weekend’s win. Port lost, so, they’ll be angry next week. We’ll hear talk about how well the team travels and likes to get away together. The game could have easily gone the other way, were it not for errant kicking on the Magpie behalf. I’m going to follow Damien Hardwick’s lead and not ride the emotional roller coaster. Dimma, I promise you, I’m going to be thoroughly depressed, win lose or draw. 🙂

Damien Hardwick, team jacket on, strode boldly into the press-room. He was relieved at having seen his team overcome the tough and never-say-die North Melbourne Kangaroos by 10 points. The Club’s membership was at a record 70,000 (admittedly, many of them only three-game members) and about 3,000 of them had come to Hobart for the game. The game had been a cracker played to a sell-out crowd. The Tiger fans are up-and-about and the game is healthier for it. The AFL are really pleased that they have given prime-spots to Richmond in this season, “the year of the fan”.

Dimma: Fire away.

Journalist #1: Well, Dimma. That was a great win. What was the most pleasing aspect of it?

Dimma: I tell you, North are a great side. We had to be at our best today to not only stick with them, but to win the hardball when it was there to be won. Injuries took their toll on them: Waite and Nahas going down – that really cruelled them. I tell you, for a moment there, I was regretting we let Nahas go and weren’t able to attract Waite to our team.

Journalist #2: That is all about North. What about, your guys? What was the most pleasing aspect of the way your players played?

Dimma: Dustin Martin stuck to the structure all day long. He kicked the ball exactly where I told him to. Griffiths really stood up. Clunked some marks and nailed the goals. I was also impressed with the way big Ivan was able to cover the ground – took some real important defensive marks, and that mark, late in the last quarter when he drifted forward and marked in front of Farrito to effectively seal the game was a moment Richmond fans will never forget.

Journalist #3: You’re sitting 4:2 now and are 4th on the ladder thanks to your healthy percentage. Are you starting to raise the bar on what you can achieve this season?

Dimma: We haven’t achieved anything yet. We’re only six rounds in. We’ve got Collingwood next week. Sure, they got tidied up by the Cats on Friday, but we’ve got no doubt they’ll come out firing this week. It is going to be a great contest and one that we look forward to. If we’re good enough, we’ll be able to take it to them.

Journalist #4: What did you make of Deledio’s performance? He seemed to have slipped straight back into the team after a month off with the calf?

Dimma: He actually didn’t have an injury. We just gave him some long-service leave. He’s played with us for ten or so seasons now, and barely been injured or suspended. We thought that he needed break. Plus, we wanted to see if we could win without him. It turns out, we’ve done relatively well over the past month, going 3:1 – having just dropped that game to the Bulldogs, who are justifiably premiership favourites.

Journalist #5: Cotchin has gone into the book for a late hit on Brent Harvey. What did you make of the incident?

Dimma: I didn’t see it. The one thing I will say about our captain is that he stands up for his team-mates. In virtually every game against North, Harvey has torn us a new one, over the past decade. Normally it is Dan Jackson’s job to attempt to take out Harvey behind play, but he selfishly retired last season to get on with his life and do something else other than kick an oval ball around a large field day-in-day-out.

Journalist #5: You mean to say, that you gave instructions to Cotch to take Harvey out?

Dimma: You’ve had your turn.

Journalist #6: Just picking up on Cotch, what do you think of Chris Rees’s comments on TTBB regarding his habit of all those short, barely 15meter kicks?

Dimma: Chris Rees? I’ve got one of his mugs. Cotch always bangs it up the guts and always hits a player bang on the chest. Don’t know what he’s on about. He should stick to making mugs and t-shirts.

Journalist #6: But …. er …. he does it over and over again…

Dimma: Same as with #5. You’ve had your go. And by the way that is not a question.

Journalist #7: Can you give us an update on Alex Rance’s contract. Is the Club making progress with his management?

Dimma: Alex Rance is a very important part of our team. He is tall, good looking and has wonderful musculature. He makes up for some of the shabbier members of the team, that is for sure. Alex Rance is intelligent, humorous and courageous. He’s got other things in his life other than footy. The world is his oyster.

Journalist #8: Sounds almost like you think he wouldn’t be losing much by leaving.

Dimma: Reverse psychology, mate. Heard of it? We need him. WE NEED YOU ALEX. And we need you too, Chappy. Don’t get any ideas about going back to Port – just because now they have the most beautiful ground in the comp and have got a proper jumper. STAY WITH US. WE’RE GOING PLACES. FAST.

Journalist #9: Dimma…

Dimma: Bloody long press conference this one. Don’t you guys have a plane to catch?

Journalist #9: We live here.

Dimma: What at the ground?

Journalist #9: Hobart.

Dimma: What’s that? Never heard of it.

Journalist #9: Forget it. Dimma, you guys have made a lot of progress since losing that elimination final against the Blues. When you see them in the position that they’re in now, do you have any pity for them?

Dimma: It is a very even season. Make no mistake about it, we could easily be sitting 2:4 at this stage. If we’re off by 5%, 10% or 50% we know that we’ll lose a game. We have to get better each game. We know that our best is good enough to beat any team. We also know that any other team’s best is good enough to beat any other team. We’re no different. The Blues? They’re a great team. They have a great coach who the whole football fraternity loves and adores like a dear-old beloved grandfather. He’s kind of like footy’s answer to Kurt Vonnegut; bringing laughter and philosophical insight at the same time.

Journalist #10: The Tiger Army. It must be a great feeling having them on board.

Dimma: I’m not sure if I can call them an army. They don’t bring weapons to the ground nor do they wear helmets. Our colours are Yellow and Black; soldiers dress in dark green, khaki…But, I get your point. They’re proud, passionate and paid-up. We’ve got their money. We’re paying back their loyalty one week at a time – or, in four week blocks, if you will. We know that they’d still be behind us if we were 2:4. This game can turn very quickly. It’s a very even competition. Evenly.

Journalist #11: Dimma, just one final one…

Dimma: Nup. I’m cooked. I’m outta here. Thanks you blokes. See you next week after we smash the Pies in front of 90,000.

Preamble:
Mr.Hardwick regarded last week’s performance against Melbourne as insipid. Would this week’s performance be any better? It has been a long time since the Tigers have beaten the Cats. There is a worrying feeling amongst Richmond fans that after several years on the slow-improve, the team has now reached a lowly plateau. Player watch: under-pressure, under-achieving forward, Ty Vickery has come back into the team; Corey Ellis makes his debut, Trent Cotchin – somewhat questioned captain, in the eyes of some, needs to be more aggressive and assertive. And, Shane Edwards, Richmond’s best player of the season.

The First
The quarter ends goalless for Richmond. In the past against Geelong this could mean that they would have been at least 40 points behind. But, instead, the margin is only nine points. The delivery into the front-50 has been very disappointing from Richmond. The best and clearest opportunity for a mark close to goal was spoiled by Vickery; this was his low-light of the quarter. Riewoldt has taken a couple of good marks up on the wing; he laid a good tackle in the forward line that resulted in Miles having a shot which hit the post. Corey Ellis had a couple of kicks, one for a point the other for an out-of-bounds. These came late in the quarter and would have proved very handy for the Tiges. The narrow margin indicates not so much how Richmond have improved but how the Mighty have fallen. The Tiges’ structure has become a fraction more solid with the return of Chaplin and Newman. Houli has linked up with Martin a couple of times, coming out of defence. The holding the rule has been both fairly and unfairly applied – by different umpires, of course. Upside: only nine points in it. Downside: haven’t kicked a goal. Jack and Ty not looking like they’re cooperating. Hopes for the second quarter: at least go goal-for-goal with the Cats. Ideally kick four goals to at least show that they can run and work together.

The Second
The first 10 minutes of the quarter were positive: the Tiges had managed to get the lead back to two points. There were moments when the game suddenly seemed open for the Tiges; they ran and created. Geelong were stalling. And then, the Cats kicked the next four goals to get the lead to 28points. Vickery and Corey Ellis were as good as unsighted. Lennon took a good mark deep in the left-forward pocket but wasn’t able to convert it into a goal or pass it successfully. Morris did little. Brandon Ellis who was lively in the first quarter was also as good as absent. Houli and Martin linked up on a couple of occasions. Edwards got the ball, but was ineffective in his disposal – except for the goal that was largely a result of a Geelong mistake. 28points is a large margin given how difficult it has been for the Tiges to score. Upside: The Tiges are playing very poorly, let’s hope it doesn’t get worse. Downside: Geelong aren’t playing brilliantly, but have a winning lead. Hopes for the third quarter: to get the margin back to 12-16 points. The game still needs to be alive going into the last quarter, otherwise the fans may well leave. I could be wrong but the Tigers players who are standing up are Vlastuin, Houli and Maric.

The Third
Again, the Tigers start with relative zip. They look like they want to play well and tough. But my only conclusion is that I don’t think there is a single team that fears the toughness of Richmond. Cotchin plays well; gets a lot of the ball and scores a goal and misses the captain’s goal that would have brought the game within 14points – my ideal margin. There are moments of proper football; a centre break that leads to a goal. A lucky goal from a lucky bounce (Cotchin’s) and Houli’s poise. Selwood gives a freekick away; something I think I’ve never seen before in a Richmond-Geelong game. There are moments of spite. This quarter has been a stalemate; neither Geelong nor Richmond would be properly satisfied. Richmond was perhaps the better team, but have only managed to bring the margin back a little. Over their past seven quarters, Richmond has scored 12 goals. Now, they must outscore Geelong by four goals if they are going to win it. Upside: despite playing poorly, they are still, still in it. Downside: neutrals would have turned off five minutes into the first quarter. Reality check: If Richmond win it from here it will be a great turnaround. If not, the fans will be angry and justifiably angry. This Club is lacking some passion at the moment. Vlastuin, Houli, Cotchin playing well. Edwards too. Vickery has gone out of the game. Riewoldt has been there-abouts. All need to lift.

The Last
It is already past midnight and I’m not sure how long I can hang on for. Geelong have kicked the opening goal and it feels like it is as good as over. I skip forward about ten minutes. Corey Ellis kicks a goal and then, it is Miles who gets another after being taken high. Miles plays decently and toughly. The Tiges have left their run too late. Their hunger for the contest, again, too late. A spectacular win could have eventuated if the players had more polish. The nine point defeat is not honourable; this is a game that the Tiges should have won to prove that they are improving. Upside: None. No major injuries? Downside: 2:3. Reality check: likely to be 2:7 after the next four games.

Post-amble:
The heat should now be well and truly placed on the coaching staff. During the last minute or so Richmond had a chance to get the margin to within a goal, but couldn’t do so. The coverage showed the Richmond coaches’ box and all looked mute and stunned, as if they had already accepted the fact that the team was going to lose. It seems as if the team has run out of ideas about how to play and they have lost enthusiasm. The Club has a very healthy membership and supporter base, but, the passion has been exhausted for the moment. McIntosh again showed himself to be a player of enthusiasm and skill. Richmond needs boring wins; games that pass by with little or no fanfare, just chalking up the wins. But, instead, the Club is serving up very familiar style losses. Us fans have very little choice, but to stay on board, to stay positive and support the team. But, at the moment, my sense is that the support is being given with very little joy. The team is stuck in low-mid ladder mediocrity, with no clear path out of it. Hardwick and Cotchin’s press conferences and statements about the team are numbingly ‘on-message’ in which they speak about what can be rectified. Would be great if the club held no press conferences until a convincing win was chalked up. No, until three or so proper wins were chalked up.

Eduardo Galeano died on 13th April 2015 in Montevideo, the city also of his birth. One of his most famous passages is as follows:
Years have gone by and I’ve finally learned to accept myself who I am: a beggar for good soccer. I go about the world, hand outstretched, and in the stadiums I plead: “A pretty move, for the love of God.”And when good soccer happens, I give thanks for the miracle and I don’t give a damn which team or country performs it.

Galeano’s passage above is an invitation to admire the beauty in sport; to give up on team rivalries and being biased, one-eyed. He transforms the position of supporter into that of appreciator; one who is blind to team jerseys and jumpers and instead considers only beauty.

Is it possible to watch a game without considering the score and while forgetting our allegiances, whether they stem from family, geography or ‘tradition’? I doubt for many it is possible. I doubt for me it is possible. I watch Richmond games and fret and look at the clock and groan at the errors or disruptions to attacks; I feel more relief than joy when the team wins. After all, I’ve played no part in it; just a spectator from a distance.

‘Pretty moves’ are more likely to be more common than victories for one’s team. A game, is made up of so many moments, each playing a role in victory or loss. Richmond too produced a moment of beauty in the match against Melbourne, in the second quarter. There is pleasure to be taken in watching a player play better than he has before. But, this is a team sport, and supporters are hungry for team success, which is virtually always a zero-sum equation.

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Mr.Hardwick used the term ‘un-Richmond-like’ in the aftermath of the loss against the Bulldogs. The loss was disappointing, not because it was a loss against a team ‘that we are better than’, or because it was against a team coached by first-year coach. It was disappointing because the team had many opportunities to score goals and didn’t. Moreover, there was a sense that the Bulldogs players wanted to play harder than the Richmond team. They were hungrier; they had more appetite.

Perhaps there could be an app which fans could use to register their sensing of their players’ desire for the contest. This could complement all the very detailed numerical data provided by Champion. There could be the haven’t-turned-up-to-play-meter (brought to you by Nlyex Plastics); the Dusty-has-got-his-mind-on-other-things-meter (brought to you by Harley Davidson); the need-to-show-more-leadership-meter (brought to you by Flinders Bakery). The game is very much about impressions as well as numbers.

But, anyway. The comment ‘un-Richmond-like’ stuck with me. This term refers to the very essence of Richmond-ness. What is a Richmond-like performance? The mind boggles which Richmond one would like to use for evidence in defining Richmondness.

The jumper is the most iconic image of Richmondness. Even though it now doesn’t look like it used to – ie with advertising and logos applied all over it, the yellow-sash on black is unmistakable. It is a traditional footy jumper which undergoes minor alterations almost yearly. Regardless, each time the team comes out to play, us Richmond fans can see the team and agree, ‘yes, those are them Tiges.’ ‘Come on you fellers, eatemalive.’

After the Dogs loss and the Dees loss, I have wondered, which is more desireable: a Richmond-like performance in an un-Richmond-like jumper or an un-Richmond-like performance in a Richmond jumper?

It helped remind me of the qualities of rival teams. And so, I drew a few variations on a yellow-and-black theme, in the styles of other teams. Pardon my heresy. They are only drawings.

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I have come to the conclusion that the yellow-sash on black is still the best jumper. But, please, a Richmond-like performance to go with it.

Arms outstretched; the ball falls downwards; hovering in space before being struck with the right foot. So many photos of Shane Edwards evoke the ideal image of the footballer as athlete. Weight shifting, ball tucked under an arm or grasped tightly between two hands, waist high before making the kick. Edwards body is twisting; his eyes looking in the opposite direction to which he seems to be moving. His elbows pointing outwards as he looks up field. Don’t call it just a sport, this is a corporeal art. His masterstroke is that of taking the ball at pace, reading it off a pack and those quick steps which make an empty space for him. A goal or two a match, always necessary. His absence always felt.

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Shane Edwards says in a video on the Richmond Football Club website, regarding his experience with the Indigenous All-Stars:

“Drummo has come up. Which has been real important. He is not much of a talker. He is more of a listener. Which has helped make me a bit more of a talker. I was always worried that I didn’t know enough to have an opinion on things.

Learning about who I [am] has had a direct influence on how I play football. Knowing more about myself means that I can be more of myself on the field. It is hard to explain, but … it means, I’ll be the best me out there [on the field] – [it means] I’m not trying to emulate other players. I’ve learned to speak when I should. Give my share when I should. I’m not going to learn more, if I don’t express things. I always have people telling me how old I am, [as] I have been in the system for, going on, nine years. So, hopefully I have learned enough to know a few things.

Telling some mates about where I was going, they said how much fun I would have. But, when I got there, it was this dark, historical place, where some horrific things happened. I was really embarrassed that I didn’t know more. It was such a massive event in my history.

[The week with the Indigenous All Stars] was really fun; it was a really great experience. I have wanted to do it for a long time. It was an honor to be on the field with the other players. Like Shauny Bourgoyne. I was really impressed with Jack Martin.

[…] I was really proud to have the jumper on. My family would be proud of me, all my friends. And all my teammates [from Richmond] would be proud of me. They sent me a lot of text messages before the game. Having the game at the end of the week was a bit of a bonus. The week was a lot more about learning about [our] culture. I formed a closer relationship with every guy there.”

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The field of Prospect Oval, North Adelaide, is empty. It’s past 6pm and the sun is burning. Night seems a long way off. A lone runner jogs past. The streets are quiet. There is no movement in the air; Adelaide in early January. Overhead some birds tweet joyfully, moving on somewhere else. The field, empty as it is, is in perfect nick. The wings, the Robran end and the Farmer end have become a part of an outfield across which a leather sphere is belted to the boundary. Here is a public facility; a field on which the traces of past legends remain. A green expanse torn by studded boots. The field is an empty vessel upon which mortals pass and in which fans pour their dreams and imaginations, rendering those mortals into legends.

My father tells me, pontificating, ‘that man, Barrie Robran, he was the best. Simply, the best. Gary Ablett Jr has nothing on him.’ I scoff, believing that in his memory Mr. Robran has become somewhat better than he really was. But, I’m uneducated, I never saw Mr. Robran play and the YouTube clips can’t do him justice. My father gets angry at my incredulity. I’ve never seen him get angry in a conversation about a footballer. Never. I seem to have touched a nerve. For him, sport, footy so easily becomes ‘a waste of time’. And then it comes out: ‘those dirty Victorians rubbed him out in a State of Origin game and he was never the same.’ My father, who has lived and made his home in Melbourne for 40 plus years reveals himself to still feel South Australian, moreover, a North Adelaidian. ‘Leigh Matthews did a job on him.’ And, ‘he, Robran, was an absolute gentleman; he played in the true spirit of the game’. Robran turned down many invitations to play in Victoria: he only wanted to play for North Adelaide.

The view from the Robran End, January 2015

I don’t want to argue with my father about Robran’s skill as a player; I never saw him play. And I don’t particularly care; I believe in my father’s imagination. The memories that the ground has evoked are real. I tell him that I believe that Barrie Robran was no doubt a cut above the rest. This is Robran’s beauty. A few weeks later, I meet up with Ned Wilson, a friend from the olden days and he tells me, plainly ‘my dad [Ray Wilson, 1971 Hawthorn Premiership player], says the same’. Perhaps Robran’s greatest legacy is the manner in which he played the game and the respect he earned from other players, and of course, supporters.

Every wing needs its trees

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Again, I want to write about Shane Edwards. Partly because he can stake a claim to being one of the game’s least intrusive figures. He is softly spoken and shy by all reports. His style of play is that of the consistent and skilful. Edwards has a light frame and a calm demeanour: probably outdated statistics have him at 180cm and 71 kilograms. No wonder he was a keen basketball player. His celebrations are never over the top and he appears well-liked by his team-mates. Edwards pops up in the background of the videos the Club puts up regarding the lives of some the Club’s bigger name players. Edwards, still looking young and playing youthfully, has become a senior member of the Club. He is a regular and doesn’t have to fight for his spot in the team. Some time ago, a journalistic mistake was made and it was said that there Troy Taylor was Richmond’s only Indigenous player. The mistake was quickly corrected; Edwards asserted his identity. Caroline Wilson not only apologised to Edwards but also included this apology in her article on Edwards, “Living the Dream” (The Age 19th May, 2012).

Shane Edwards wore the White-V of North Adelaide for 10 games; his father though, played for Central District, but is currently CEO of North Adelaide. Shane’s younger brother, Kym, currently plays for North Adelaide. Who was the scout who saw him at Prospect Oval? What were the impressions made? Punt Road Oval, next to the frequently clogged north-south artery of inner-eastern Melbourne, lacks the old-style grace of a suburban Adelaide oval – with its trees providing shade on the eastern wing. Edwards brings a part of it though, through his polite manner and use of such terms as ‘the pill’ for the ball. Adelaide has its own footy landscape and terminology: the point posts are red and a banana is a checkside.

During the off-season between 2014-15 Edwards was a part of the Indigenous All-Stars team. The Richmond Football Club, whether or not it has x number of Aboriginal players on its list, makes a significant contribution to supporting Melbourne’s and Victoria’s Aboriginal community through its Korin Gamadji Institute. Richard Tambling, now working for the AFL in Central Australia, was a part of the process in landing this facility at the Club, that was eventually opened by the very honourable, very respectful Julia Gillard, Western Bulldogs supporter and former Prime Minister. The KGI offers numerous programs for Aboriginal youth. That it is linked with the Club perhaps makes it both appealing and legitimate for those who are targeted for its programs. Of course, one of Richmond’s most notable former players, Maurice Rioli, needs no introduction. The esteem in which he is held was evident in the moving statements upon his untimely death. The beauty of his skill as a player lives on in the memories of fans, regardless of team; his contribution to his communities continually appreciated and remarked upon.

Edwards Jumpers

The AFL is very pro-active in promoting its openness, inclusivity and stance of anti-racism. Mr.Demetriou unequivocally condemned Matt Rendell’s comments that Aboriginal players might need one white parent in order to be drafted by an AFL club. Demetriou denied that any kind of context could make the comments legitimate. I see the AFL’s pro-active stance towards combating racism, sexism and prejudice in its many forms, as part of a recognition that it failed not only generations of Aboriginal players, but, also that it grossly mishandled the Long-Monkhorst case of 1993. The AFL makes strong overtures at being welcoming to Aboriginal players. The Clubs, for all their efforts too, can’t deny that they’re in ‘the business of winning’ and that selection for the main team is extremely competitive. Players who don’t conform and reach the required standards won’t be selected just because it is a nice story to have them in the team. Richmond has had some notable cases where Aboriginal players haven’t been able to make a career at the Club: Troy Taylor, Relton Roberts, Jarrad Oakly-Nicholls, Richard Tambling. Every year, plenty of players fall by the wayside, and as Robbie Burns has pointed out on the Marngrook Footy Show, ‘it is not just Aboriginal players, it’s many from the country’.

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Visiting Prospect Oval in North Adelaide created a new conversation between my father and I. He found a moment to passionately his state his personal experience of watching the game. His father, Bon, my grandfather, had played in the reserves for North Adelaide, and later on, when dad was a boy, they would go to games together. He pointed to the spot on the terrace where they would most often stand to watch games. They would park their car at my father’s grandparents house, have lunch and go to the game. He told me they would invariably walk home complaining about the umpiring. During my teenage years though, he no longer seemed to be into footy, or at least watching it live. Art, was his thing and so it was a surprise to see him claim Prospect Oval as a central part of his childhood memory. I think of him taking my brother and I to games as boys, more out of our demands than for his own wishes. But, perhaps he enjoyed the footy more than he let on.

Shane Edwards – of Arunta and German descent, son of Greg – footballer and Tara – basketball player, and brother of Kym, North Adelaide player – plays the game with skill, balance and poise. Like the imposing Ivan Maric, he speaks softly and only occasionally to the press. He is not given to overstatement, boasting or showboating. But, as with other players likes a goal as much as the next. Footy facilitates a path into the nation’s history; one that involves tragedy, movement and reconciliation. Perhaps it was Edward’s move to Richmond which opened the opportunity for coming to terms with his background. He is proud. Regardless of games played, goals scored, finals won, he will leave a legacy with the Club. The Edwards name will belong to both North Adelaide and Richmond.

Trevor Fuller, engineer and art gallery director, remembers

*Thanks to Swish Schwerdt for pointing out that the Central Districts jumper was different to the one I included above. It was more like this:

This video here shows Greg Edwards playing against the Tigers (of Glenelg). Stephen Kernahan is playing for Glenelg and John Platten is playing for Central Districts. Centrals win by a lazy 100+ points. Bruce McAvaney is the host of The Big Replay.

**My father emailed to say, “I always enjoyed that as an opportunity to be with you both [my brother and I at the footy] and to be able to communicate something around the game; have that fun kicking the ball on the oval afterwards in that cacophony of kids, dads and balls in the fading light and for you to get among the footballers in the club room after and garner a few autographs and have a few words with some stars and favourites.” And, on his taste for footy/sport: “I do marvel at the talent of the sportsmen. I don’t like the aggressive macho overhyped stuff that goes with the mercenary media.”

***Aunty Kip: “Robran was that good. He was like a ballet dancer, with his graceful, humongous leaps to mark the ball. And painfully shy, as well.” I’m into the ballet analogy. Perhaps footy is some kind of ‘heavyweight ballet’.

****Aunty Kip, remembers her experience of watching Barry Robran, Rodney Robran, Neil Sachse and Dennis Sachse, through this video of the 1973 Glenelg v North grand final. She says, “I was there”.

*****Shane Edwards sent a message to say that he very much appreciated the article. This kind of acknowledgement was very generous of him. It also suggests to me that professional footballers might want more out of their careers than just a good salary and adulation.

I loved this moment. Griffiths is about to take the mark and his defender is already beaten. This game, footy, is ballet with a ball combined with the hardness of boxing, sprinting and endurance running. Griffiths’ seemingly effortless mark in the first quarter, for his second goal was a result of routine, practice, structure. Matisse should have painted this scene.

It was during the second quarter that the flashing, shifting, swirling, singing advertisements on the fences started to really grate. And moreover, the commentators weren’t saying anything about them; as if it was all perfectly good, perfectly natural for the crowd, viewers to be distracted by so much visual pollution just as X, Y or Z is lining up for a shot at goal. So, why stop at having just one Kluger advertisement on the Southern Wing? There’s so much more space for advertisements.

This is a drawing of Mr.Grigg on the left; sure, he is a bit sturdier in real life; thicker legs and thicker arms, but, I’ve taken a liking to the way he runs. Steady and balanced, weaving a gentle arc across the MCG turf, looking for a leading forward.

Cometti: ‘That was an important kick, not because it would have been his first goal, but because his team needed it.’ This could have been the moment the Tiges threw in the towel collectively and said, ‘it’s not our night; luck isn’t going our way.’ But, instead, the team moved as one stating that their game would have nothing to do with luck – only skill, desire and poise.

This map was drawn after the fact; after the result was known and the Opening Round Glory was still sinking in. This was a mature win, a game that was winnable and was won. As Dugald has said on Twitter, it will mean nothing if it can’t be backed up again (and again and again). On another day, there would have been fewer red triangles signalling goals and the circles for marks would have been the opposition’s marks. Those goals in the second quarter were great because Grigg’s, Lloyd’s and Jack’s were all scored from unmissable positions. The fans were celebrating as they went through. Most things that McIntosh did I tried to map; the map is McIntosh heavy.

the pigskin is heaved into the turf and the umpire in sortof green exhales as the tall men run at each other and the pigskin is knocked hither and thither as smaller blokes collide trip and tumble as it shudders and trembles and is grabbed at and abused and roughed up and then it is held to the breast of a man who gazelles across the green turf as the masses sigh unable to articulate their pleasure in the shakespearan vernacular and the pigskin is warmed up against the jumper stretched tightly across the thinskinned muscular being who hears and sees nothing other than the uprights that emerge before him sucking him and the ball towards them he gestures with his left foot outstretched to whence the pigskin falls and lands for a brief brief brief moment before projecting itself exactly precisely absolutely in the middle of those poles penetrating them besplaying them and then it comes to rest in the arms of a fan gobsmacked to have become a part of this

Fan Survey #1

Key:

Red: I am racist

Pink: I’m not racist, but, what happens on the field should stay on the field. Players that can’t cop sledging should harden up.

Orange: I’ve used the phrase ‘dirty abo’ at the footy. I’ve also shouted ‘have a wash, Kickett’. The crowd around me laughed. I don’t say those sorts of things at home.

Brown: Black players bring that magic to the game. When Rioli makes a tackle on an opposition player, I often think to myself, ‘Rioli hunted him down’.

Yellow: I have heard racist comments at the footy and have kept my mouth shut. I have pretended not to hear anything.

The Stats that Matter (provided by Champion Data)

If you’d looked at the stats and not the scoreboard of course you’d think we had won. Don’t ask me about the Inside Fifties. The curious thing is that it is the one thing we are good at. The one thing I know about this Club is that we will back up and come back a better side next week. Credit where credit is due they were a very good side today. There were a few areas in which we performed below par, but the players know that. We’ll rectify that. We always knew there would be a let down at some point. We’re just like every other club fighting for a position in the eight.

DIY: Beautiful-Ugly Index

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I used to think bull-terriers were ugly, now, I think they’re cute and funny. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: except on a footy field. It is as plain as plain can be. A defender smashing into a backwards flying Silvagni; that is ugly and brutish. A Steve Silvagni soring over Craig Starcevich is an act of the sublime no matter the jumper he is wearing; Mr.Long’s smashing into Mr.Simmonds is an act of thuggery, no matter the legendary-ness and importance of Mr.Long’s more notable achievements. Our Dusty, full-chested, passing the ball by foot a lazy 65meters from defense to indefensible attack; a goal from inside the square; these are our drugs regardless of the score.

This week I care not for jumpers, origins, histories, hard luck stories, I will follow Eduardo Galeano’s plea, ‘a pretty move for the love of god’ and ‘will give thanks for the [little] miracle and not give a damn about which [team] performs it’.

The light is sharper and the grounds are dryer. The heat is incongruous with the game. The players train in shorts and boots; training jumpers are quickly discarded. Trays of energy drinks line the boundary. Club websites put up video highlights of players in super super slow motion; spurting their drinks into mouths agape. Sweat drips from brows. The videos show thunderous tackles. An ambivalent moment; fans can either be pleased with the tackle or disappointed that their own player has been caught so easily. Whatever.

Summer is no time for the casual fan; it’s only die hard enthusiasts who are hanging about at the grounds. Trainings happen during work hours. Those who watch are either unemployed, underemployed, students or on holidays. Watching training. And training becomes something off limits as the season approaches; clubs want to protect their ‘intellectual property’ – i.e. their tactics, their systems, their strategies.

At one training, I see a player stop and talk with a young man who has slow and slurred speech. The brief conversation is a gesture; a recognition of a young fan’s enthusiasm for the team. The player knows it is a business, professional, but, for us fans – want to believe that it is make believe. Workers from nearby offices come and sit on the mounds of the old Arden Street ground. The president is in thongs, shorts and t-shirt.

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Being absent for the forthcoming season, I tried to visit a number of grounds and training venues. Arden St, Western Oval, Junction Oval, Brunswick St.Oval, Punt Road of course, the Old Vic Park, Gosch’s Paddock (generally for the public). I did some running training at the West Pac Centre oval with Campbell Maffett’s running group Love the Run. I wanted to taste footy. I visited the excellent Richmond Football Club Museum, curated by Mr. Roland Weeks. I gave my $5 donation and felt ridiculous. I dropped by the MCG shop and picked up some retro footy cards, but, didn’t make it to the MCC library or the Museum proper. I regret it. I imagined it required concentration; a few hours for a visit.

The grounds were in varying state of repair; but only Vic Park brought back any real memories of my own attendance at the footy. The Western Oval was being altered so that it could be properly secured and so that people would indeed have to pay to attend the practice match against the Tiges. Punt Road was well and truly closed to the public. I was unlucky and didn’t manage to watch the team train. I wouldn’t have minded a photo with Bachar Houli, Shane Edwards or Nathan Foley, just for the hell of it. Their sessions were either closed, held elsewhere or, I had something else on. No matter. I would have put the photo by laptop; the photo could have been my talisman for the upcoming season.

I rang the club regarding the Korin Gamaadji Institute and was met with a cold response: ‘all the information you need is on the website’. Defence was the default setting. I am writing a paper on ‘sport and discrimination’ and using material from the AFL and Richmond in particular. I’ll get my information from other sources, methought. Shane Edwards has a video on the Club’s website about his experience in learning about his Aboriginal identity. It is something that he has grown into throughout his footy career. Footy has fostered his Aboriginal identity; but once, several years ago, he was mistakenly regarded as not being Aboriginal.

Before popping into Mr.Weeks’s RFC museum, a man in the corridor said to me, ‘there is nothing for the public here’, while talking on his mobile phone. Oh really? A peculiar interaction. I got out of his personal space and waited. Matt Dea (or, I think it was) walked past and said, howareyamate in one syllable and with a half-smile. Polite. Inside, Nick Vlastuin and ‘some other bloke’ were talking with Mr.Weeks. I waited some more. When I finally did enter, Mr.Weeks shared his experiences as a collector and fan and curator. And then, I felt I had to go. I thanked him and left. When I left, Bev (I would later learn she was Bev Brock) was interviewing Roland about his work as a volunteer.

I went up to the Melbourne Sports Book Shop in Brunswick. My father laughed upon seeing that I had paid 20 bucks for Mischa Merz’s excellent book on her training as an amateur boxer. He has no time for boxing and I doubt he has heard of the book. I also paid 10 for Jack Dyer’s book, on the hard men of footy. Both probably could have been bought cheaper online, but, I was in a hurry and I wanted to support a local bookshop owner rather than Amazon.

I went to the ramshackle but charming Fitzroy Football Club in Mordialloc (http://fitzroyfc.com.au/) and bought a replica old-school Fitzroy jumper. The curator said, ‘wear it with pride’. I told him could probably wear it 300 days out of the next year, given that I’d be living in The Netherlands. I have never supported Fitzroy, but, I love that jumper; well-crafted and snug. I put it on and think of the greatness of the Richmond Football Club and that horror-show when the Tiges smashed the Lions at the MCG in their last Melbourne game.

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I met Dugald and Chris and we watched the football (Australia v Kuwait) at the pub on Flinders St. It was an odd meeting; between knowing and not knowing the other. The word in Indonesian is ‘kopdar’, an abbreviation of ‘kopi darat’, ‘coffee on land’. The term is used when people who previously have only known each other online, meet up, face to face, ‘in the flesh’, the old term. I found both Dugald and Chris intimidating in their modesty. Both bigger and older; again I felt an interloper. And I also felt, here are three guys, having a quiet and subdued night out; both three guys who probably enjoy listening more than talking.

I did my footy-traipsing around Melbourne in too much of a hurry. For one reason or another, I bought a three-game Richmond membership. I said to Chris and Dugald, ‘I want to see if it changes my experience with the club’. But, I don’t expect anything back from the Club. I do hope the players don’t flaunt their privileged positions off the field; I hope they don’t get caught up in drugs and betting which influence the game. I hope the club is transparent regarding misdemeanours.

Time for me to come clean: I used to support Essendon up until 2002. I cried during the 1983 GF as the Hawks smashed the Dons. I cried the following year, this time with happiness, as Leon Baker and Timmy started in the last quarter. The 1993 preliminary final against the Crows was an absolute joy. And so was the game against the Eagles, I think in round 16. Strangely I never warmed to Hird. I liked Hardwick. I liked Mark Mercuri and Joe Misiti. Derek Kickett was one of my favourites. But then, after living in Indonesia for a couple of years, I came back to live in Richmond and I ditched Essendon in 2002, because I couldn’t stand their postulating, their grandstanding.

Give me a decade without finals, rather than deception and hubris regarding possible drug use. I hope my club is honest with its fans, listens to its fans, plays for its fans. With each passing year, I realise that I admire the Club, because of the hope it creates amongst its fans. And moreover, I have seen that the culture of the fans has changed over this past 10 or so years. The fans have showed that they’re better than what their worst reputation can be. There is no more spitting at coaches after a bad loss, and, poor players are less frequently berated too offensively (fans always reserve the right to be disappointed). The fans are patient with the players; and the players too need to earn the respect of the Tiger army.

The Club believes in itself and invites us supporters to believe in it, too. I hope for gutsy wins, honourable defeats and less slow-mo and less-razzamatazz.

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There is a grey area between thoroughness, detail and obsessiveness. Perhaps writing about footy in January and visiting old grounds lies on the wrong side of adult behaviour. Being a fan can so easily lead to being scorned and ridiculed. Supporters wear their own suffering as a badge of honour, as indication of their unwavering dedication. I’m trying to take this with a grain of salt. I’m hoping only for steady progress from the team. Give us players who wear the jumper with genuine pride. Let’s be supporters in the ways we’re capable of – lest our club end up in a museum.

*any resemblance between the names used below and their real life characters is purely

Spot on.

(photo from Big Footy)

Matt Priddis stepped up to the podium. He was wearing the usual outfit: a black suit, a white shirt, and a black bow-tie. His curly blond hair hung almost to his shoulders. Some curls gently fell onto his checks and over his forehead. He smiled; he grinned; he chuckled to himself. He thought to himself, “my time has come”. He thought to himself: “my time has come. I’m here. I’ve arrived. I’ve made it. Let them all eat their tin load of Humble Humble Humble Pie. I’ve eaten mine for a little too long.”

At his team’s table, sat his teammates who had also been invited to the Brownless Award gala dinner event shebang. His teammates Joshua Kennedy, Mark LeCras, Eric Mckenzie and ducking pioneer Scott Sellwood, sat with their girlfriends gently sipping their beers and champagne. Smiles were had all round. Hehehehehe. Collectively they thought: “we didn’t make it to the finals – but, yes, we can’t stay out of the Brownless. We’ve bagged another one of those little Charlies.”

“First of all, I just want to say this is a humbling moment for me,” Mr.Priddis said. He paused.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding!”

“I’m fucking stoked. And: let me tell you. I deserve it.”

“I want to thank my parents. Mum and dad. Mum and dad; Mother and Father. Jan and Jim. How’s that for Ocker? Hehehehe. Love em. Great work Mum and Dad Jan and Jim. This is your medal just as much as it is mine. Well, almost. Nah. Not even close. It’s all mine.”

“I’ve trained fucking hard. I’ve laid off the steaks. I’ve hit the gym. I’ve avoided the beers. I’ve been loyal to my girlfriend: haven’t played the field like certain others in the team. HAHAHAHAHA. Yep – I’m talking about you guys in particular: Macka, Johnno, Robbo and Tugga. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I know all about your exploits. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Love those blondes, eh? Delicious, Bruce would say. HAHAHAHAHA.”

“It’s a great relief to finally receive the recognition that I’m due. I must admit that I don’t have as much talent as some of the previous winners. I’ve got more. They’re a lot of shite compared to me. Jimmy, Adam, Gary, Chris, Dane, Jobe. Oh their crappy kicking. Their crappy skills. I know where the ball is and I don’t rely on anyone else. I get me own hard ball. Hard ball. Hardballs. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Those other so-called winners: they’re slow, they’re overweight, they’re ugly, they’re plane, their boring, they don’t get the ladies. Oh the misery. First amongst losers, I say. They haven’t won any flags. They live in crappy suburban homes. Oh the dreariness of their lives.”

“Simmo, you’re a fucken legend. Much better than the grumpy ol Chemist we used to have. No jokes; oh the irony we had a drug problem while he was our coach. Now, we’ve got you. And we’re using our drugs much better. No detection, still. HAHAHAHAHA. I’m clean! HAHAHAHA. Thanks, Essendon for taking the heat throughout the last couple of years. Let’s not bore the public with another drug scandal. Yep, that AFL has a big broom and a bloody big carpet. We’ve all been told: no scandals for at least another five years. It’s not in the best interest of the game. HAHAHAHAHA. It’s on for young and old. May the best team win. HAHAHAHA. At least we now know that I’m the best player. Enough of this hardworking and ‘not as talented as the others’ bullshit. I’m the fucken best.”