Friday, January 30, 2009

This has been a rough week for the awkward coif. As a natty dread, I feel I am not entitled to criticize another person's do, but, after all the trials and tribulations these three men have suffered, you gotta wonder if all this could've been avoided if they just would've gotten a better haircut.

Timothy "Eraserhead" Geithner

The new Treasury Secretary got an EZ-Pass with the Senate. Despite what he said, come on, dude, we know that your not paying your taxes wasn't a "mistake." You just didn't feel like paying them. Linda Chavez had to withdraw her nomination for Secretary of Labor for paying her illegal alien domestic. Zoe Baird's bid for Attorney General went up in flames for the same, exact reason. But Geithner's domestic problems were easily glossed over. All because the Big Brother wants him. "Tim's work and the work of the entire Treasury Department must begin at once. We cannot lose a day because every day the economic picture is darkening here and across the globe." Boy, I sure hope you're right, Mr. President (I still like calling him that). To me, Geithner's spent too much time cozying up to the fat cats at the Free Market Kool-Aid Kocktail Party, and, while he's temporarily escaped Jonestown and is talking bookoo smack against his former fellow acolytes, I betcha he's got a return ticket to Guyana in his back pocket.

"Afrolistic" Al Franken

Franken thought he won the Minnesota Senate seat. He thought he beat Norm Coleman in the run-off. But apparently Senator Coleman doesn't feel taht way, and what has to be the longest Senatorial election in US history is going to court. I mean, sure, the Minnesota Election Board kept counting until their boy, Franken, finally won; yeah, in the issue of fairness, there really should've just been a run-off election; but hey, that's just politics. Coleman's a politician. He should understand that. Instead, he's become a sore loser of Mike Holmgren proportions, blaming the refs knowing damned well his team got its ass kicked. You were the champ, Norm. It shouldn't even have been close--especially against a satirist who's joked about internet child pornography. You got into a recount against this guy?! Buddy, you already lost. Just take your ass-kickin' like a man and walk off the field. Or are you hoping that Antonin Scalia resides over the Minnesota Supreme Court, too?

Rod "Cowpadour" Blagojevich

As it stands now, all you're guilty of is being caught on tape. While being executed in the court of public opinion (I admit, I was one of your--more humorous?--judges), you've given the good fight. I've actually found your classic-movie-quoting ass fun. And, boy, that corrupt ass also has gumption. And you've been right. The US Senate had no right to diss your nominee to replace Obama, Roland Burriss, the way they did. They threatened to never seat him. They threw an incredibly embarrassing hissy fit. But you stood your dirty ground, and, because you were right, Illinois now has its third black Senator in 16 years (though I'm sure that won't last long). Rod, buddy, this country was built on gumption and corruption. I thought you might just survive this whole fiasco--well, at least until Patrick Fitzgerald nailed you to the wall. You've been convicted of nothing, and our legal system is built on the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. Your impeachment trial was a kangaroo court (right again!) and a perversion of justice. One Senator actually complained that you didn't prove your innocence. So, he voted to convict. Apparently, the sanctimonious Senator hadn't read his Constitution of late. Neither did the rest of his colleagues. So, you've been ousted and doomed to become a quirky, little footnote in the annals of history. Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted. But fear not, Blago. No one before you has ever had the daring to rock the cowlick and pompadour simultaneously. I am sure your bold styling choices will be all the rage in Paris and Milan in no time flat.

And now, to all my brothers out there who have know how to rock with and rock the horrible haircut, a message from your leader:

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About Me

Toiling in utter obscurity his entire life, Bill Campbell is the author of two novels, Sunshine Patriots and My Booty Novel. He has also been a music critic and published his own zine, Contraband and a music trade publication, CD Revolutions. Currently, he lives in the DC area (missing his beloved Cleveland Park) with his wife and daughter.

My Booty Novel

32-year-old writer, Damian Cross, returns home from his first book tour only to be dumped by his fiancee, who he's been with for 7 years. Now, Damian has to start over while writing his second novel while all his friends are trying to convince him to write a "booty novel" to make money. Written in blog form, My Booty Novel is a funny, heartwarming tale of dating, starting over, and learning to let go of old pains in order to find new joys.

Electronic Booty

Sunshine Patriots

United Earth, intergalactic war hero, Aaron "The Berber" Barber finds himself in a place he's never been before--fighting his fellow human beings. With chaos, rebellion, and bloodshed all around him, Barber suddenly questions his role as a war hero and spokesman for Smell-A-Vision. Sunshine Patriots is a satirical science fiction novel that asks the important question: What does it mean to truly be a hero?