Monday, February 27, 2006

The Beautiful But Lonely Princess

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful, but lonely princess. The lonely princess, in constant need of external validation, kept in a special, magical jar the severed head of an obsequious friend much less attractive than she. The severed head's job was to make the princess feel better inside herself. Every night. But one night, the severed head said, "Not tonight, Diana; I have a headache." And the princess did not know what to do. So the severed head said, "Ask King Joss to put on a parade for you in his kingdom. A festive parade with hours of marching will lighten your woes."

And so the princess did.King Joss put on a wonderful parade, and the princess's chariot was drawn by beautiful girls marching in chains, and the people cheered for the lonely princess in constant need of external validation, and there was marching, marching, marching. The princess's spirits were raised as high as the legs of the marching girls, and her woes were lightened.

After the parade was over, the princess ordered her servant girl to bring her some refreshing tea. So the servant girl did. Noticing that her boots were dirtied by the day's marching, the princess ordered the servant girl to brush them till they shone as the morning sun. So the servant girl did.

But as she watched the servant girl brushing her marching boots, the beautiful princess grew lonely again. And so she asked the servant girl for something more.

Much more.

"Mais non!" said the servant girl. "Let me be or I shall trumpet your secret desires throughout the Kingdom of Hollywood and other major media outlets!"

But the princess was not afraid, for she was as wise as she was beautiful, and as brave as she was lonely. "I am sorry," said the princess. "Let me make youa cup of tea, so we will be as sisters and all will be forgiven."

And so the princess did.After the princess gave many sacks of gold to the king's court physician, he declared it a suicide. And so, the princess lived happily ever after, because the servant girl did not live at all.