The Morning After Pushing Daisies: Pigeon

More great news on the “Pushing Daisies” front as ABC has picked up the series for a complete 22 episodes. That means more knitting, more pie, and more of the craziest sexual tension you could ever hope for.

What did we learn this episode? Digby is a genius! Pigeons can be gay! Bake Zoloft and cheese into a pie for a great combination! Amputee sex has reached the mainstream! Special effects are expensive! Ned is crazy jealous!

This week’s adventure follows the usual script in some ways and veers in a new direction in others. We start, as usual, with a slice of Ned’s past: in this flashback, the narrator treats us to Ned and his dog Digby’s reunion. It turns out that Ned, son of a dead mother and a father who abandoned him, is lonely for some odd reason. Luckily, his trusty pal Digby is the smartest dog since Lassie. Digby senses Ned’s loneliness and sets out to find his master after first stopping to do a few good deeds like stopping a fire, rescuing Timmy from a well, and curing cancer. When Digby and Ned reunite by running across a field in slow motion toward each other in what could only end in a furious bout of leg humping, the question I had earlier of how the heck Digby survives without touching Ned is answered in a convoluted “Digby is smart and knows he would die” way. Whatever. I can’t start doubting things in a show centered around a main character who can bring people back to life. Just smile and accept it, Chris. Just smile and accept it.

Ned and Chuck (who is sadly cleavage-free this episode) are still all starry-eyed and unable to touch, but Ned makes a gift of some illegal rooftop honey bees in an excuse to buy beekeeper suits to wear while dry humping his girl. Okay, I know they just dance at the end, but it’s the subtext, people! Ned and Chuck decide to become unorthodox urban honey pioneers, or UUHPers. Then they have sex with their eyes. Not like, skull banging—more like gaze sexing, if that makes any sense.

Just when I was feeling down about the lack of Chuck cleavage, or Chleavage, Olive enters boasting some serious Ol-eavage and resentment over Ned’s love for Chuck. She finds a new object of affection, however, in the form of a dead pigeon she names “Pidge” in what may be the stupidest name for anything ever. That’s like naming an elephant “Elly” or her dildo “dild.” In an effort to show Ned her feelings, Olive makes him the luckiest man in the world by asking him to feel her “heart beat,” a.k.a. her right nunga nunga. Emerson interrupts the moment and my hard-on by freaking out over the site of a dead bird that Ned accidentally brings back to life. I swear, Ned encounters more dead things than a hillbilly cruising the highways for dinner.

And as if one death wasn’t enough, a plane crashes into a building right near the Pie Hole! Emerson rushes to the scene of the crime, an apartment in the building, anxious to collect a reward because, as we’ve learned with this show, every death has a reward connected to it. If time travel were somehow incorporated into the plot, I’m sure Emerson would steer his De Lorean back to the Bubonic plague outbreak and collect all the rewards he could knit holders for because, as Pooh Bear himself says, “Big Daddy needs some new yarn,” a funny statement 1) because Emerson refers to himself as “big daddy” and 2) because “new yarn” is not a euphemism for anything other than, well, actual new yarn.

And then the unimaginable happens: Chuck trips and Ned can’t catch her. On the list of things Ned should be pissed that he can’t do to Chuck, catching her should be pretty low, right below thumb wrestling and above foot massages. But what makes it extra depressing for Ned is that some other dude –can- catch her, and he could also do a lot of other things to her if he wanted, too, that wouldn’t have to end in her death. I mean, they still would, but they wouldn’t –have- to. Things get worse when Chuck and the stranger, a man who claims to be the apartment’s owner, hit it off and touch some more over a piece of pie. Not poontang, though, the normal kind. Things get stranger when Chuck asks the mystery man to hold her hand while she closes her eyes and imagines it’s Ned doing it. Given enough time, this scenario would have evolved into “stick your dick in me while I close my eyes and imagine it’s Ned,” but thankfully the interloper turns out to be a one-armed bandit. I know we’re all confused, but it’s Pushing Daisies, after all.

Ned, Chuck, and Emerson go off to try to solve the mystery of the plane crash and find a diamond loot/windmill conspiracy. Meanwhile, Olive visits again with Aunts Vivian and Lily in an attempt to expose Chuck as a fraud, but ends up getting closer with the aunts, perhaps due to the fact they’re all eating psychedelic pie together. The three girls get high and give Pidge the Carrier Pigeon the gayest makeover a bird has ever had. Pidge is so horrified that he (or she? How do you tell the sex of a bird, anyway?) flies off toward the windmill while Olive and Aunt Lily annoy the crap out of me by singing a song about caged birds. At least Vivian tells them to shut the hell up, and that’s why I love the miserable old bitch.

Somehow everything ends up at a windmill where the one-armed bandit meets up with the really smart chick from Heroes and they discover that they’ve fallen in love via carrier pigeon.. Then Olive and the aunts show up and discover the diamonds in the windmill girl’s fake leg. A sex scene is then filmed between the one-armed bandit and the one-legged windmiller and posted on AmputeeAmateurs.com. Then Emerson, Ned, and Chuck show up. It’s, uh, a pretty big windmill, I guess. Olive sees an opportunity to reveal Chuck to Lily and Vivian and become the evil bitch she’s destined to be but stops at the last moment because of her growing attachment to the aunts. So Chuck’s secret is safe, the bandit is arrested and sent off to prison, Emerson gets more money for yarn, and Ned and Chuck end up in the aforementioned beekeeper outfit dry humping session.

Random thoughts:

The narrator is less annoying when he isn’t rehashing crap we already know, like the whole Ned-brings-people-back-from-the-dead crap. I barely noticed him in this episode.

In a world where everyone eats only pie, why aren’t there more fat people?

Line of the night: Ned: I can’t catch her, Emerson! Emerson: Can’t suck on her toes neither…some women like that.

The mortician is a great character even if he only has an average of three lines per episode.

When will Ned and Chuck discover the joys of mutual masturbation or invent a full-body condom? I can’t deal with the sexual tension, people!

Speaking of sexual tension, the two amputees have to keep a relationship going by carrier pigeon. Trust me, carrier pigeon sex is only one step above beekeeper costume sex.

Emerson and Aunt Vivian need to hook up. It’ll be the most cynical, sarcastic sex ever, and it will be amazing.