Tales from the front.

The Truth Behind Some Of Those `Perfect' Couples

February 01, 1995|By Cheryl Lavin, Tribune Staff Writer.

Your friends know you so well. They spend weekends with you. They vacation with you. They watch your kids, baby-sit your dog, water your lawn. Wouldn't they be shocked if they knew what was really going on in your relationship?

- Martin: "I was the dean of Janice's college. When she graduated, she got married. We remained friends while she earned her doctorate at a nearby university and for years taught at another one before joining our faculty. I've often accepted her invitation to a walk in the woods, a day at the distant seashore, dinner at a restaurant or at her home or mine. Since her divorce, she has told me she's madly in love with me, dropped by my office with a kiss on Valentine's Day and taken me to breakfast at a friend's empty house, expecting us to stay all day. Friends would be astonished that all this has gone on and that we still have not gone beyond a hug and a kiss. Though I love her, I'm not free, and I am faithful to my commitment."

- Jessica: "Our relationship is a farce and a sham. Oh, it's just rosy for all outward appearances. I told the wife of one of his friends how things are and she was truly shocked. He's immature, controlling, mean-spirited, brow-beating and an emotional batterer in the truest sense, not to mention physically abusive and substance-addicted. His friends believe he's the best thing since sliced bread, but he's one moldy loaf."

- Jeff: "To our friends she's the world's sweetest person, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She's always the first in any situation to offer help. In private, she's got a trash mouth like a truck driver, especially when she's talking about our friends. And she resents every single thing she has ever done for anyone and calls them all ingrates."

- Sarah: "We don't have any friends, not by my definition, at least. But his colleagues would be shocked. He is the boss of a large team who all think that he's God and that I live in heaven. The man whose heart and time is all theirs for any and every little problem wouldn't know until he ran out of clean shirts that his wife was at death's door. The man who relates to and satisfies all their needs and aspirations says his wife is `overreacting' or `getting hysterical' if anything upsets her. The man with the world's greatest people skills still hasn't learned, after 30 years of marriage, that his wife needs at least some of his time and attention and is in fact very lonely. The man who gets things done only gets around to the smallest domestic task once he's sick of being begged to do it. The man who is organized and orderly at the office leaves stuff all over everywhere at home, and his bathroom is a public health risk. And the woman they all envy for living with the most loved and admired man on Earth just smiles sweetly and plays the game. Why shatter their illusions?"

- Jerry: "Even I am surprised at our relationship. Deidra and I met in August and were married in May. The dating was pure bliss. We came home from the honeymoon, and she informed me that she didn't get married to be Mrs. So-and-So. She was used to coming and going during the week, when and if she pleased. She continues to see old friends and an old lover, nothing sexual she claims. We are in counseling. When we go out, she tells everyone how happy and wonderful things are. We are both in our mid-40s. This is her third marriage, and my second and last."

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What was the date you'll never forget? Send it to Cheryl Lavin, Tales from the front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Please include day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column.