Lost Live Blog #3: The Substitute

8:01 – It makes me sad to see Sideways Locke in a wheelchair. Can he magically heal? Ohhh, Helen! She exists in this universe! That’s so exciting! And his dad is nice? What?

8:05 – Ahh, it’s so fun that you don’t just run into a spinal surgeon – just like how happy Ben was when a spinal surgeon magically fell onto his island. I love these parallels! And monster!travel is so much more efficient than walking. Why is Richard caught in a trap? I love this ep already.

8:08 – Locke’s cubicle life is so sad! But everyone is so nice to him in this universe…

8:14 – Or maybe not so nice. But he can’t just expect that it will be fine if he completely ditches work, I wonder what he was doing! Maybe he wasn’t lying to Boone? Oh, I miss Boone. Come back, please! Anyways, what is Flocke recruiting Richard for? And now Sawyer? Sawyer’s so emo. It’s sad. We all miss Juliet, too. Probably not that much, though. Anyways, yay Ben! He finally shows up again. I have a feeling we’re not going to see the temple people this week – meaning no Claire – meaning I won’t get to find out if she is Rousseau now metaphorically or actually or what. Boo.

8:18 – Sawyer looks mean in his dirty wifebeater. Boo. And is he claiming to be emotionally dead? So sad!

8:19 – At least someone is able to figure out that Flocke is not actually Locke. Thank god someone could. And he’s snarky again! Yay! How does the Locke-ness monster know the mystery of the Lost!universe? Is he going to share?

8:21 – Hurley! He owns the company! I hope he and Locke are friends. Everyone is so much happier in this world! Besides Kate, anyway. And I bet Sayid is still sad. He would be.

8:24 – I’m glad Sun wants to bury Locke’s body! Yay Sun. Ilana is confusing me so much. What is her mission now that her Jacobgod is dead?

8:25 – “DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO” – Oh, how I love this line. I’m glad fake Locke is stealing real Locke’s signature line from his paralyzed past. This show is so good. Who is that boy?! He looks like a young Jacob.

8:32 – Oh, I love Rose! She’s so nice! I was so excited when I heard her voice. The temp lady was creepy. What is Richard doing? What does he know? I feel like Flocke is going to turn out to be a surprise good guy, because that doesn’t make sense, and why would Lost ever make sense?

8:33 – Sawyer would reference books. I love these characters. No, don’t kill Locke! Even though he’s not Locke! Does he mean trapped in Locke’s body? Is his original form the man in black we saw last season? Probably. Is that why he needed to kill Jacob? To get back to his original form? That doesn’t make sense. He couldn’t kill Jacob when he was the man in black. Boo. I’m confused.

8:38 – So he is trapped in Locke’s body. Cool.

8:40 – Best eulogy ever!!!!!!!! I love Ben. Especially with the death theme music playing, that ironically used to be played only during Jack episodes. Yay.

8:49 – Aww, I don’t want Locke to not get a consult from Jack! He has to walk again! However, I am glad that in this universe, he was not able to go on the walkabout, either. Not everything’s changed, thank goodness. And that ladder scene was kind of crazy. I was soooo worried Sawyer was going to fall to his death, but would have been anti-climactic. Then again, it was pretty anti-climactic when Boone fell to his death under Locke’s watch way back when. Yay, the white stone was flung into the water. “Inside joke!” Yay. Was that how Jacob derived his famous lists of names? That’s awesome.

8:54 – Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Ben Linus! Best thing that’s ever happened! Thank god he finally showed up in sideways world. I should have known that it would have been in this episode. Guess that’s where the episode title comes from. Ben’s so mean about coffee in this universe. My main issue, though – what middle school students learn European History? That sounds so much more official than the “Social Studies” I learned about.

8:59 – What is going on? Are those all the candidates’ names? Ahhhh, the numbers!!!! They only mentioned men. That’s weird, no Kate. Odd. (At least, I’m assuming Kwon means Jin and not Sun.) How are they going to get off the island? I want Sawyer to be the next Jacob. That’d be so fun! Everyone has to take over a new role. I don’t really understand this show. But yay.