She's the new columnist for the website Bro Bible, which is exactly what it sounds like, and she's the same charming individual she's always been: "To most drunk guys a wet hole is a wet hole, and with each cranberry vodka the two of you slurp down you're both less likely to remember what either of you talked about."

More From Cosmopolitan

In her first column, Rebecca divulges her advice to get a guy you met at a bar to text you. It is good advice — if the guy you met at the bar is a total fratty douche nozzle. Which makes sense, because Bro Bible.

"There needs to be a public service announcement on E! in the middle of a Kardashians episode that says, "ATTENTION: NO SANE MAN GOES TO THE BAR TO NOT TRY TO STICK IT IN. HE IS NOT THERE TO GET TO KNOW YOU. HE IS NOT THERE TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR NEW SHADES OF NAIL POLISH. HE IS THERE TO GIVE YOU THE D FOR FREE."

Some of her expert tips on making the next-day text a surefire guarantee: "Half put out" (don't have P in va-G the first time, but waggle your thong in front of his face so he knows it is a future possibility), leave with little fanfare and make sure he gets your number, and don't bore him in conversation with "girly shit" like, I dunno, who you are or what you do.

All the way to the bank, Rebecca Martinson. The rest of us Muggles should expect the Urban Outfitters coffee table book shortly.