Tiger Mom’s Racial Theory

No race has the monopoly on success. But here’s the most important key to raising successful kids.

The Tiger Mom is at it again (well she’s trying, but I don’t think the traction is there this time around). Amy Chua, a law professor at Yale, has written a new book with her husband, Jed Rubenfeld, arguing that some groups are superior while the rest are contributing to the downfall of America.

Chua wrote Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother in 2011. She criticized the Western way of parenting and said that by being cold and even hostile to your child in the manner of Chinese moms, you will raise the most successful children. Chua is known for calling her daughter ‘garbage’ when she was rude, refusing to allow her girls to have sleepovers or be part of school plays because of time taken away from studying, telling her daughter that her homemade birthday card was not good enough and that she should make another, and threatening to give away a beloved dollhouse if her daughter could not learn to play a difficult piece of classical music.

I wrote a response about Chua’s definition of raising a successful child, which never once mentioned the trait of showing kindness or compassion.

This newest book, The Triple Package, claims that there are three qualities identified as guarantors of wealth and power. And based on income, occupational status, and test scores, there are eight groups that outshine and surpass the rest by maintaining these three qualities. These groups are: Jewish, Indian, Chinese, Iranian, Lebanese-American, Nigerian, Cuban exiles and Mormons.

The three characteristics that bring these groups together are a superiority complex, insecurity, and impulse control. The authors write that you must believe that you have been chosen and somehow superior, but maintain insecurity so that you still strive to prove yourself and not grow too confident. You also require the discipline to resist impulses-especially the desire to quit in the face of hardship. The authors maintain that these three elements are in opposition to American culture and that these eight specific religious, ethnic, and national origin groups have held onto these qualities. They are the ones who hold the key to America’s revival.

The authors conclude that we were once a Triple Package nation but we have lost our edge.

The book will only be out in February but reaction is already heating up. Many are calling Chua a racist.

There is no race or ethnic group that has a monopoly on success.

Some find her theories about cultural superiority – especially her own and her husband’s – troubling. They say that her conclusions seem not far-off from the belief that there exists a ‘Master Race’. Twitter and Facebook comments reveal strained feelings. One person echoed the thoughts of many and wrote: “She believes herself to be better and some ethnic groups are simply not cut out for life.”

Can one ever say that a certain race or ethnic group is primed for success more than another? I don’t believe so.

In every nation, and every group of people, we have those who are givers and those who are takers. There are some who prosper and some who flounder. We find brilliance and we find mediocrity. There is no race or ethnic group that has a monopoly on success.

There is one truth, though, that Chua has unknowingly touched upon. We are a land that was largely established through the sweat and tears of those who were yearning for a better tomorrow. Though America is ‘young’ compared to the rest of the world, the soil is filled with the footsteps of men, women, and children who walked tirelessly, bearing the weight of history on their shoulders. Some came desperate to build homes and find financial stability. Others sought precious political freedom. And of course, there were those like my Zaydie and Bubby, and like my parents, who witnessed the loss of decency and humanity. After surviving the brutal cruelty of Nazi concentration camps coupled with the murder of beloved family members holding innocent babies in their hands, they emerged from the darkness to begin life anew. It is no wonder that this land is called ‘medinah shel Chessed,’ ‘the country of kindness’.

Leaving the known, even if you are in despair, requires great courage and bravery. You must persevere. You are confronted with great obstacles. Often you are feeling shamed and desperate. But your hope for a better tomorrow pushes you on. I believe that these are the qualities that have made our country great. Once we start taking our success for granted, we lose that awesome force that has propelled us to reach for the stars.

A Key to Raising Successful Kids

Is there a key for raising a successful child? It must be more than simply being born to a certain race and possessing the qualities that grant you superiority.

Successful children do not have parents who step in and do for them; they allow their sons and daughters to struggle. Too many of us have grown afraid of tantrums, tears, and children’s hurts. We try to shield our children from life’s pain, often recalling our own distress growing up. We want our children to be happy. We don’t want them to experience the agony of defeat. While trying to make life easier for our kids, we seem to have lost the ability to teach them how to look failure in the face and to stand up and try again. We prefer our children to achieve through connections instead of grit.

This attitude breeds mediocrity and inflated arrogance, not greatness and genuine self-confidence.

Our schools stress grades but often overlook the child’s soul. And in this quest for success, I am afraid that the heart of a generation has gone missing. We load them with exams, term papers, and scientific theories to memorize. Great marks are valued more often than great kindness. It is true that they may have more knowledge than the previous generations, but the sheer joy of accomplishment, the love of learning, the strength of spirit is somehow lost amongst too many of our children. Even though they may rise to great financial prosperity, gain status in their positions, and earn doctorates, I fear a generation who grows up defining their success by the dollar bills in their hands and the lack of idealism on their resume.

It is in that very moment when we choose to stand up again that we unearth the secret to greatness in our lives.

Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld are making a huge mistake in their quest for understanding the source of success and achieving greatness. It is not the fact that you have been born into a specific race or ethnic group that is blessed with specific character traits. Rather, true accomplishment is derived from the knowledge that you have been put into this world with a God-given mission to make a difference and leave your unique, shining light in this vast universe of ours. As long as you do not fear failure, as long as you delight in the discovery of spirit and the power of passion for a cause greater than oneself, you will come to a place of success.

King Solomon wrote in Proverbs, “A righteous man falls seven times, and stands up.” We do not despair when we face great obstacles. When we stumble (and we will stumble), the path to distinction requires picking ourselves up, remaining resilient and beginning again. It is in that very moment when we choose to stand up again that we unearth the secret to greatness in our lives.

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About the Author

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a freelance writer, and a relationships and parenting instructor. She is the daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder of Hineni International. Slovie has taught Hineni Young Couples and Parenting classes for more than 15 years. Her book, Raising A Child With Soul, is published by St. Martin's Press.

Visitor Comments: 27

(13)
Elena,
March 10, 2014 2:13 AM

I agree with the Tiger Mom

First, my deepest appreciation for some of the most excellent articles I've read on parenting and marriage. Thanks!Second, I agree with Amy Chua. Yes, there are some races who are better equipped for struggle in life and, therefore, succeeding. I often wonder if they have better grit. My colleague is Chinese, and we often compare our respective upbringings. They are very similar: high expectations, solid moral standards and strong family ties. I worked at a major pharmaceutical for several years. Who were the leading scientists? Jewish, Chinese, Indian, Nigerian. My group craved to hire an African-American for diversity, but couldn't find one educated in science. I took my children to a Science Museum a few weeks ago. Who is standing near a cow's eye dissection demonstration, gently nudging their children? Same crowd, while the rest of the Americans are running around the big fake heart. There are certainly exceptions - Barak Obama and JFK - for example, but en masse, Amy Chua is correct.

Nathalie,
April 1, 2014 6:17 AM

Couldn't find an African-American educated in Science?

Every race has people who rise to the top. There are cultures who instill work ethic and importance of education in their children more than other cultures-- and that may be something for Americans in large to adopt. However, if your company couldn't find an African-American educated in science, you didn't look in the right places. I can assure you that their are many qualified African Americans in science.To suggest that race and religion determine success is a slippery slope. Instead, why don't we focus on qualities that parents of successful people instilled and go from there. It is culture and values- not race. I am not an Amy Chua fan and would never take her parenting advice after reading from her and seeing her speak.

(12)
Pia,
January 27, 2014 12:36 AM

Wise words from Slovie

Slovie, your sentiments are wise and balanced. A successful life isn't measured by power and money.

(11)
Terri,
January 24, 2014 4:29 PM

Thank u Slovie for your comments

You like your mama are amazing and wonderful. I have known all of you for 40 years and every time I listen I learn something new. Thank you for clarifying this issue. It is wonderful to hear a positive voice. Now please get your compassionate and sage comments published in a major newspaper. It is really important that your voice be heard for us. Thank u. Terri Cohen

(10)
SilTePlait,
January 21, 2014 10:51 AM

I've lived and taught in China for 13 years. Her system produces the most mindless autobots I've ever seen. They can calculate sums and play technically accurate music perfectly. However, if you ask them to actually do the smallest bit of reflective thinking, you might as well ask a rock to do la Bamba. That's a fact. Nothing racial here, just a sorry way to beat your kids into a mental pulp.

Mike,
January 29, 2014 2:37 AM

The Chinese are not known for being innovators. For all of the products they build, they invent almost none of it. The west has totally surpassed the east in various technical fields. China is also a place of extreme poverty with an abysmal record on human rights. I'll take my sweet and loving Yiddish Mama any day over the ice cold tiger mom.

(9)
John Hughes,
January 20, 2014 1:02 PM

Slovie,thank you do much for writing about a much confused misunderstanding by all of mankind. I believe there is no one religion or ethnic group better than the other. As long as we believe that God created us all equal. People of all backgrounds are born to serve a purpose in this world and if you can dig deep into your heart and soul and give it back to humanity then we all as one can prosper

Iraina,
January 21, 2014 9:16 AM

God may have created us all equal but

we are not equal in talent, intelligence, physical strength or appearance, kindness, spirituality or any other quality. Saying that we are is simply a lie. In our chain of lives (yes, I do accept the concept of reincarnation as a fact of life), no two people are at the same exact spot in any given life or situation. Do all people have something to contribute? Yes absolutely. Is it the same thing? Absolutely not. Will all people decide to contribute their greatest good? No. Accepting the realities of life is essential for growth. Lying to ourselves 'cause it politically correct is a recipe for disaster and we have ample examples of that.

Bee,
January 26, 2014 7:03 AM

our uniqueness is what makes us successful

If we all were the same the world would only have doctors and lawyers... we need the farmers, laborers, the successful down's syndrome person who collects the recyclable paper at work. success and contribution to society is each person finding their own niche.

(8)
Anonymous,
January 20, 2014 9:27 AM

Atheists will never understand the secret

There are two blessings given in Genesis (chapters: 27 & 28) by the Patriarch Isaac to his sons: Jacob and Esau. You can clearly see that the blessing of Jacob (Genesis Chapters: 27 and 28) is based on "The L-rd give you", while the blessing of Esau is based on the his own "effort", "sword" and his "environment". So while Jacob became dependant on "G-d", Esau because dependant on his "efforts and his environment". Esau became dependant on general providence; same as for animals and nature, meaning your success is directly proportional to your efforts and environmental conditions. Jacob however was dependent on direct personalized Divine Providence in that his livelihood and success were directly proportional to his faith in G-d, (not his efforts) since G-d and only G-d became the source of his livelihood and success. As you can see the nations whether Greeks, Persians, Romans etc... came and went because their providence was that of Esau, yet Israel (Jacob) survived for thousands of years against ALL odds, because its source of sustanance and survival has always been Directly related to Divine providence from G-d. So the nations of the world look at Jewish survival and success against all odds, and try to find logical answers, like: education, hard work, high IQ .... etc... etc... but they miss the main factor: "The G-d factor". Any other explanation for Israel's miraculous survival outside of G-d is not possible.

Linda Oliver,
January 21, 2014 9:47 PM

thank you

@Anonymous, that is a beautiful, detailed explanation. A lot of people teach that Jacob tricked Esau out of the blessing. My Torah teacher taught us that was not the case.

Anonymous,
January 25, 2014 2:32 PM

G-D factor

Thanks for your words. People always forget that we as jews have the TORAH which is our map in this world.Hashem and the Torah are our secret to success. I agree with you 100%. Torah!

(7)
Anonymous,
January 20, 2014 12:49 AM

A very important question

Has anyone asked her why she decided to marry a Jewish man? If she believes the Chinese method of mothering is so superior, then why didn't she marry a male product of that kind of mothering? I wonder if on some level she was craving the warmth that Jewish men are often known for providing their offspring, unlike her Chinese male counterparts? I might be reaching here, but I think this might be a interesting psychological topic to explore.

Anonymous,
January 20, 2014 6:17 PM

Please don't generalise Jewish men as wonderful fathers. My ex husband rejected his daughter since she was 13 months old and met her when she was 32. Still it is not working between them. And she is psychologically damaged.

Anonymous,
January 21, 2014 9:40 PM

Damaged daughter

This thread is a really good conversation, and great "generalized observations," many that I agree with. But to Anonymous mom: I feel the pain of both you AND your daughter, I went thru that as well, abandonment since birth, and living with it's destructive consequences has been way more challenging than others can ever know. Much to my dismay - also had a daughter to be abandoned and went through the SAME things! These men were not Jewish... But remarried soon to be 24 years now and a Torah observant home - has made ALL the difference. I am convinced that for we as American women today, raised by the first generation of "women's lib," has been horrible for everyone! Not only did this movement give women the"freedom" they desired, it let men off the hook as to their responsibilities, especially where their offspring are concerned. The children paid the price ... And then their children after them ... The American family was forever changed. For the most part, Judeo-Christian values USED TO BE the standard, and even non-religious folks respected the faith of others. Look at us now? So, it's not a "RACE" issue, it's a heart issue, and all types of people get it. It's not DNA ... It's a choice. G-d bless you and your daughter.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2014 4:23 PM

AMEN!!!

you are so right on. Brilliant. Loved reading this and sharing it with everyone i know.Great piece.judie

(5)
JB Destiny,
January 19, 2014 3:28 PM

You should read Chua's book

before you write about it, instead of just what the press puts out about it. Far from being a parenting manual criticizing Western parenting, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was a mea culpa of how she raised her kids. In fact, she was moved to write it after her younger daughter had it out with her in the middle of Tiananmen Square, when she finally realized what she was doing! And that's what's written in her opening chapter. In China, this book was promoted as a manual of how to apply Western child-raising values to traditional Chinese ones - basically, lighten up and be your kid's friend. (Yes, one kid - let's not forget that policy.) Considering what a hatchet job the Western press did on her first book, maybe you should wait to read what she actually writes before condemning her. Just a thought,

Zvi,
January 19, 2014 10:41 PM

right on JB

Not only do I agree with your sentiments, I also think the wording of the importance of being born into a particular group (race, religion, etc.) was misguided in the article. The point was that there are certain traits that are good for raising successful children (which need not be in terms of dollars btw), and those traits are more pronounced, at this time and place in particular groups. It is not racist to say the factors are characteristics rather than genetics. Seems all of the mentioned groups are relatively recent immigrants. Those who struggle, and whose children see that, may thereby teach that trait; and that is what makes their children successful.

Rose Yanovskaya,
January 20, 2014 6:10 PM

i agree and disagree

Firstly , thank you for info. I wish I knew this wonderful wisdom of King Solomon about 7 times falling down, I wouldn't feel bad about myself. I think that race has to do with success in terms of the the family structure( or the absence of both). Secondly, it is obvious that good mothers have less appreciative children than bad , and why? Because none of us can find the gold middle with our actions toward our child, whom we love blindly. Moreover we are trying to create somebody with out felling suffering and pain, which we experienced from our parentsand world. And most likely we raise the replica of our own abusive parent. Thirdly, it is not giving to us the capability to know what material we are dealing with, we love our child unconditionally. To be more laconic my conclusion is - we raise the wonderful qualities person ( MD, lawyer, financier etc) but not a mensch, not a person with genuine warm heart, but the achiever. And we , parents , are suffering from these " perfect" achievers. Mostly immigrants because, we start from 0 ( as refugees) and give up our identity as the professionals for the sake of success for our children. I am not regretting of giving everything to my daughter( being as the solo parent all my life), but I am deeply hurt by my own endless love to her. If I could change anything, I would advice to myself and to everyone -- don't try to be the perfect mother, don't be completely devoted to your child( being guilty that the father is not present due to his heatless attitude); try to look at your child from the distance as the stranger to understand the personality ( which is the combination of genes, influences from others and the tendencies of the child, etc). Don't be overprotective with your endless love!!! Remember, your parent didn't love you enough and you became strong and loving and giving, therefore believe that not giving to much , will make bigger person. I mean with humane qualities.

(4)
Harry Pearle,
January 19, 2014 3:19 PM

CHILD-LABOR Needs More Respect for Self-Estem

I think both the Tiger Mom and the book authors miss the point about raising kids. Yes, kids need to be disciplined and criticized. But they need to balance this with praise and respect for the HELP they do provide, as children....

In previous generations, children from an early age had to work in the home and in the workplace. There was no choice for survival's sake. Thus, they developed a sense of WORTH through their CHILD LABOR......Of course today we frown on child labor, but kids can still help out, as best they can and they can be rewarded with praise and respect for it.........By gaining a sense of respect from work, kids may be more open to CRITICISM and DISCIPLINE, because they may see the value in it.........Instead, what we do, today, is pamper them on the one hand and scold and reject them on the other hand. We keep them away from useful work and mistakes, as they work their way through school. When they finally graduate from school, then and only then, are they ready to do useful work.........I think we have this backwards! See my blog: SavingSchools.org

Harry Pearle,
January 19, 2014 5:15 PM

(Just Say LO-NO) WASTE NOT - WANT NOT

Last Shabbos, at Shul I happened to look up, and see the Ten Commandment words. There were seven LOs. But if you turn the LO around, it spells Hashem!

How can we say NO/LO to our kids!

(In previous generations, when people were poor, wasting things and wasting time was frowned upon. But today, we have so much stuff and we have more time-saving conveniences, so we tend to waste more time and more stuff.)

How can you say NO or LO to your kids in 2014?

Anonymous,
January 19, 2014 10:46 PM

Wasting is a sin

Harry: good for you for being one of the very few people who relate to waste. It is a key IMO between raising truly caring children. I am pleased to give to charity, but despise wasting (e.g. energy, water and such resources). Wasting shows lack of appreciation for what we have and caring about those who do not have so much.

(3)
Lisa,
January 19, 2014 2:35 PM

Chua can have her opinion.....

We can do all we can for our kids.... Give them love, education & guidance. Then they are on their on. Only GD can truly direct a person. We must always pray to Him to watch & guide our kids for we only have a finite control over them .

Anonymous,
January 20, 2014 8:54 AM

Lisa,most well said and may we not forget those we hate in our suppplications.

Tov meod

(2)
Me,
January 19, 2014 2:28 PM

To Annonymous: if we ignore her and pretend this is not

...a method, what do we learn? No one says anything otherwise. It's better to give her attention and learn from it then blind yourself from reality. If you are so fortunate to not experience any of her reality, lucky you.

Anonymous,
January 19, 2014 4:13 PM

What reality?

Chua is not writing about, living in or discussing reality. The problem is that the level of conversation in the public sphere has deteriorated SO much that anyone can say anything - no one even questions whether their ideas are worth discussing. It's all just sensationalized hype with no substance. There are far better ideas out there worth exploring and discussing in which people are not trying to capitalize on their 15 minutes of infamy but are actually try to change the world. Let's pay attention to and learn from them.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2014 10:26 AM

Why does Chua's opinion even count?

Why is this sick and delusional woman being given so much attention? She wrote a book about child abuse - chronicling how she raised "successful" children by treating them worse than trash. She is an Ivy league professor and the best approach she can figure out is to scream and terrify her children into obedience? She is someone we would call successful? Enough is enough - this woman deserves none of our time and attention. It's time the spotlight be removed from her insane rantings - there so many better ideas and things we all should be talking about.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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