deep breaths and sighs.

This post sucks to write.

But it feels like one of those posts I am supposed to share for reasons unknown to me. It would be much easier to ignore it and pretend like it doesn't exist but the truth of the matter is that it does. And if I ever feel like I am supposed to share something, I do. Because even if I am wrong, at least I am learning to obey and that is key to me. If this blog has taught me anything, it is that God can use me and my experiences in ways that amaze me if I only let him. I want to be obedient to his will for me, even if it means looking foolish.

We, the Johnsens, have a lot on our plate at the moment. And like I have shared before, I can't quite share all of the details but you better believe I will as soon as I can because I believe God will continue to show up in amazing ways that MUST be told! So while we are in the midst of an amazing God time, you wouldn't be surprised to know that it is also a major time for attack and negativity from the enemy.

Somehow and someway he finds the just right time and opportunity to build himself a little foothold in our lives and once it's there it's like chipping away at steel and concrete to get rid of it.

(here comes the sucky part)...

And I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I have given him, gift wrapped nearly, two strong footholds. And I have let him stay there long enough that I am having a tough time getting rid of him.

I bet you can guess the areas. They are actually two facets of the same issue that I think every woman deals with.

And they are....

YOU are not a worth contributor to your family. You NEED a REAL job already. Because of YOU, your husband has all this pressure on him to provide. Because of YOUR laziness (in not having a real job) he has to work harder and handle more pressure than he should. YOU are a failure in society. YOU are making worthless contributions.

And the other one, also a classic, thrown in just for fun and jest I am sure...

YOU are also unattractive. Overweight, out of shape, unlovely and unlovable as you are. YOU need to lose weight, tone up more, eat better, get rid of those stretch marks and make yourself more attractive. Everyone around you is working harder than you to be "beautiful" WHY AREN'T YOU?

Ugh. That is what has been playing in my head since January. And even if I KNOW they are lies, the enemy provides plenty of proof that they are not.

I am surrounded by loads of wonderfully successful women who manage motherhood and careers beautifully. I have no desire for a "real" job.

Their accomplishments are neatly measured, countable and publicly praised. My measurements include butts wiped and underwear washed. Things sewed. 95% of what I do is never seen.

I've always been happy and content with my body until...I have loads of friends frantically dieting and exercising and the enemy has convinced me that I need it more than they do. Even if they don't.

This past year has been amazing for me in terms of discovering who God wants to me to be and accepting AND loving the roles he has set in place for me. The enemy is convincing me that they are selfish and not worldly enough.

I finally become comfortable enough to say I am an artist and a sewist. And the enemy convinces me that no one takes that seriously.

I'm on a hamster wheel and I don't know how to get off. And that is where I am. I have no resolution to share at the moment because like I said, this is something I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

And I have no idea why I was supposed to share this...because I'm sure it sounds like a huge pity party, but that is honestly not my intent. I KNOW who I am in God I'm just having a hard time making the Lord's voice the louder one at the moment. I'm doing all I know how to do...I am in the Word, I am reading encouraging books, but at the moment, it's like I am throwing things at the wall and waiting for them to stick.

On the other hand, God has been showing me beauty in the mundane tasks of my day. Finding JOY in washing the dishes, doing laundry and taking care of our home. I'm proud to be a stay at home mother and my business is doing better than ever before. Things, in reality, are going very well.

It's a weird place to be...knowing your place and having questions and doubt thrown at it constantly. Maybe I should take that as a sign that I am doing what I should? I don't know yet, but I won't be giving up anytime soon. I just know there is a lesson to be gained in here some where...

36 comments:

My two cents-- everyone is ALLOWED a little pity party now and then... I'm a firm believer that you need to acknowledge how you're feeling in order for change to come about. I say Pity Party Away! And when the party is done-- be stronger because of it! And (because it's easy to say as an "outsider") don't listen to "the enemy". He is for SURE telling you lies-- you are beautiful and talented and strong in your beliefs. Hang in there!

Crystal - I'm sure this is not new news to you, but I'm pretty sure just about every mother I know wishes she could be a stay-at-home mom and craft on the side. AND have it bring in income! I think it's all amazing. You have 2 adorable boys and a hubs that loves you. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side ;)

Thank you for posting this. I know it had to be really difficult to put yourself out there.

Over the summer I quit my full time job because the enemy had completely taken over my life there. He had the biggest foothold on my life and sometimes I don't even know how it happened! I just woke up one day and couldn't believe where I was!! God told me over and over "you have to quit your job" and I was terrified because those same thoughts you had were running through my mind.

I was also terrified to stay at home because I had done that before and hated it. I don't have any children (...yet, there is one on the way PTL!!) and at the time, that made staying at home so much more depressing.

Immediately after quitting my job, God gave me a new, part-time job. What a blessing!! It was enough to entertain me, gave me a few extra bucks, and still allowed me the time to get our lives, marriage, house(s) straightened out. He even rewarded me with a baby, due in May. (We had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant. That's why I say He rewarded me for my obedience).

But here I am. So so soooo thankful for where I am in my life and what God has done, but the enemy creeps in again. With the EXACT thoughts you are having. I'm debating about being a SAHM. But all I can think about is how much I love my job, and how even though it doesn't make much, it really helps with the monthly house payment(s). My husband wants sooo badly for me to be a SAHM, yet I just got a text from him telling me that he's being forced into 10 hour days at a job that he doesn't get joy out of anymore.

I wish I had a resolution. I wish I could see the other side for both of us and say "it will be ok" because I KNOW it will. I KNOW God will do HUGE things for us when we are obedient to Him. But I haven't made it to that point yet. I haven't even made the decision about what I'm going to do in the next few months.

All I can say is that God WILL provide for us. And we are SSOOOOOO beautiful in His eyes for doing what He tells us. And really. Isn't His eyes the only ones that are important? It doesn't matter what society thinks. Only God.

Again, thank you for posting this. It's nice to know that you're not alone.

You are fantastic for sharing! Being a mom and sewing are two things I just cant do and I always admire stay at home moms for being so selfless to take care of their homes and children. My mom was a stay at home mom who didnt work but did a lot with the church and had a craft club with other stay at home moms and thats really want I remember and admire about her. It takes a strong woman to be a behind the scenes kind of woman so total points for you. You should get an award :)

I have to tell you that I am so thankful I discovered your blog AND I am thankful for your obedience! I feel like you might just be looking into my head at the moment.

Just yesterday I was sitting wondering why I do not have the desire to be the career woman that I am surrounded by! I have no desire to be that woman, yet I constantly feel that I should be for some reason.

The body image issue has also been constantly on my mind after years of not struggling in that area.

Thank you for frankly and honestly sharing your struggles. It is comforting to know that there are other women walking this same path.

Head over to Ephesians & camp out there for a while. Your worth Christ cannot be measured by earthly standards and I'd bet you anything that those moms with "cool" jobs would do anything to be in your shoes. Savor the moments at home--I know they stink. I am not cut out for being at home. I also work from home for someone I am accountable to and I wish I didn't. But I know this is one way God provides for us. You're absolutely lovely and your talent is amazing. God has gifted you immensely. He appointed Doug head of your household. The Lord is glorified when we lean on him. (Wow, this is so easy for me to say.) One of the worst things we can do as Christians is to continue to try to measure up to the world's standards. Remember, there are many who would call us simple-minded because of our faith in Christ. So obviously, their judgment is a bit flawed.Stay strong, sister! (Have you ever thought about how much poop Noah's wife dealt with while on the Ark? :)

You say it yourself.."On the other hand, God has been showing me beauty in the mundane tasks of my day. Finding JOY in washing the dishes, doing laundry and taking care of our home. I'm proud to be a stay at home mother and my business is doing better than ever before. Things, in reality, are going very well."

That's it. That's. just. it. You've hurdled the struggle that many of us face, and that is finding joy in the every day. In all things we are to be content, but it is SO hard. But, you say it so well in your own words, you say those things and that is hope that God has given you, that you have found joy in these things and He is even now giving you strength and the tools to overcome these lies the enemy is telling you.

Thank you for posting this. It was for me. I feel everything you said. Last year, my hubby left his HORRIBLE job, leaving us with little to no income aside from his freelance designer stuff he did at home. I do Medical Transcription out of my home but during that time, I had taken a break from it and wasn't working. The enemy came at me like a flood, and I too heard all of the same lies you have heard about how "you are not contributing to your family," etc. TREMENDOUS guilt, as you know. Lots of tears. Lots of prayers. God provided my husband with a job after 3 months of PRAYING that something would come along. He also provided me with a transcription at-home job, so I was able to contribute a little financially too. It's not much...but it's still something. I do know this: You can ALWAYS go back into the working world, but you can NEVER go back to being a stay-at-home mom/wife. Once the kids are grown and out of the house, you can never go back to that calling. So...my advice is to cherish this time. I know that sometimes it feels like all the work you do at home and with your children is not seen. And you're right...it might not ever be seen (or appreciated) by man...but GOD sees it. It's worthy. YOU are worthy. You are a Proverbs 31 woman, and you are worthy in God's eyes. That's really all that matters. :) Thank you for being obedient and sharing this blog post.

I think so many other moms (including myself) totally get where you're at right now. We are a work in progress, daily "taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ". There is so much pressure- even the people we "think" we should be more like, are having the same thoughts- those who we think "have it all together". Everyone is trying to keep up to some standard that they think they should match or exceed. Hang in there- raising your family is hugely important, it's hard to go back and fix things that could have been prevented by parents being invested in their children and home. That isn't a statement regarding stay at home moms vs. working moms, either- it's an issue of where you're investing yourself. We will come before God one day and give account for all we've done or not done, and I know that He will hold you in high accord for your investment into your family.

First of all, thank you for sharing. It takes guts to be honest about how you are feeling. Now for the truth as this mom sees it. I was thinking just the other day (and I swear I am not making this up) as we were standing outside the class waiting to pick up our sweet little ones, how beautiful you are and how talented. You have such a wonderful, unique, natural style. Also, I am awed and a little cowed by your talent. I tell everyone I know about your store on etsy. I would love to be generating income from sheer talent! As it stands, I feel like I contribute absolutely nothing to our family's bottom line, putting a lot of stress on my husband as well. So I understand the feeling. But I also know that the raising up of our children and the caring for our husbands and homes is so valuable to God. Still, the Enemy whispers in my ear to judge myself by worldly standards too. And, of course, I always feel like I fall short. On the good days I hope I never measure up to that yardstick. On the bad days I feel immeasurably guilty and useless. Such is the problem of having this human skin. So know that you are not alone. But that you are also beautiful and talented and such a valuable contribution to the world!

I think the most important job as a mother is to help our kids learn how to be a responsible member of society. I am a stay at home mother as well. I have no desire to have a paying job either. I am thankful to my husband that he works so hard that I have the opportunity to do what I do. I love my children (for the most part :) and am glad that I can be home doing fun things with them helping them grow.

Being a stay at home mother is a difficult job. My husband said that if it was him at home, we would not have children. The things we do every day are so repetitive, but so worth it in my opinion. It helps keep the home a smooth running place to live.

Everybody has bad days, weeks, months and even years. When I am stuck in a rut I like to read here: http://www.lilblueboo.com/choosejoyI have nothing to do with Ashely or her blog, I stumbled upon it one day and it helps me to remember that I really have it pretty good and to remember that everyone has there strugles and it is not just me. It may help and it may not. It helps me.

Crystal,As you know the devil loves to attack those things that are the most sacred. He does that by taking what is true and normal and then twisting it into something distorted. He's good at it. He does this with the sole purpose of ruining our lives and turning us against God.

That being said, my advice would be to check in occasionally with your hubs to make sure he doesn't mind you staying home. My husband and I bring it up every year or so. He feels very blessed that I am taking care of the business of homelife while he is taking of the business of making money to support our family. He recently started a new job that he loves but he has to travel extensively. He couldn't have taken it if I didn't stay home. He tells me and his co-workers frequently that I have the much harder and more important job. Which is true ;).

HOWEVER, my sister was a SAHM for 15 years. Her husband dropped a bombshell when he had an affair and told her he was disgusted that she stayed home all those years. Ironically, it was because she stayed home that he was able to travel at a moments notice for work which allowed him to achieve a huge amount of success in his career.

SO besides checking in with God make sure that hubs is on board and continues to be on board.

And know that because you are being attacked you must be doing something right or the devil wouldn't be trying so hard.

I'll be praying for you. And thanks for your complete honesty. It's hard for the devil to get a foot-hold when there is such openess and truth.

If you are on a hamster wheel, you know, just like the hamster, how to jump of !!!!!!!! Actually, I got a bit angry and a bit sad reading this. I read your blog daily and it's full of love and joy in your family and you are making such nice things !!!

So, I'm going to write this again:

Because 1: you have nothing to complain about your looks !!!!!!!!! (proof is right on your blog !!!!!)

and 2: you have a job aka a shop on Etsy. You make money !!!!!!!!!

You can delete this, if it offends you !!!! But it's written with the best intentions!!

Thank you so much for sharing this!!! I, too am a SAHM, as of last year. I just had my third child last September and have been struggling with this newest change. I know that God gives us these "struggles" so that we will rely on HIM, as hard as it may be! Please know that your words have been an encouragement to me.

why do we buy into his lies!? they are so dumb, but he is so good at deceiving us! it is especially more during my pregnancies! i'm laying on the couch a lot, i don't do a lot of house keeping, i can't pick up my kiddos. it's rough and i get emotional just thinking about it! i'm thankful they are just lies, now the trick is to ignore them and focus on the TRUTH!!! love you!

I don't have any profound advice, just know you are not alone. Everyone gets in a funk. I have been dealing with it myself and I appreciate your post. God is good All the time. Once you are tried in the fire, you will come forth as gold. Keep up the good work.

yay! I am glad to see I don't have to go to the little inconvenience to sign in to a google account (I don't ordinarily use google, and am not signed in to google now and most of the time ) in order to post my comment. I am glad to be able to check anonymous, even though I am not anonymous (Melanie from SC) I have commented a few times before only to see my comment was not really saved because of that little glitch, and I was in a hurry before work and did not feel like retyping...anyway...wow....my comments here are not to judge, just to add my insight or thoughts..I was sad to read your post. I thought you were content to be at home sewing, and I also thought you were happy with your body image...I feel I have read recent posts that confirmed both of those...hmm..You are very lovely, inside and out, and are a terrific wife , woman, and mom. I want to urge you to just be happy with where you are...I hate to see you perhaps waffle so much...Your husband may want you to feel more joyful and content. I doubt he resents your being a SHM. The biggest gift for him and the boys might be your contentment in the situation. You have many, many more years to be a breadwinner. You only have a few years to be home with younguns. Working and having kids is so hard...please enjoy this time, be grateful, and for heavens sake, the body image thing is crazy. What if you were like me and had tons of body fat..Be proud and glad about your body. Confidence is a huge turn on to most men (meaning your husband). Hope I don't sound judgmental...I just care....have been a faithful reader for quite awhile now. Life is too short to be unhappy. I think you have the book Jesus Calling? If so, I would suggest really taking that to heart...Just by really being in tune with Jesus all day every day, you can learn contentment. It has worked for me, anyway. Hope this helps! smile, big hug-Melanie

So would it sound crazy to you if I told you that so many times I have read your blog, checked out your Etsy shop and came away wishing I were more successful like you, wondering what I was doing wrong, asking why can't I get as many people to shop from my little Etsy shop as you do yours ? Why can't I get as many blog readers as you do ? Why doesn't my house ever look as nice as yours does ? why can't I be as cute and as in shape as you or have Best Buy give me cool things to try out ? And I walk away guilty because I know I shouldn't be coveting what someone else has. On the upswing you encourage me, I know that if you can do it so can I,I just need to figure it all out and perhaps have you as my mentor.As you said you know when your getting closer to what you've been praying about accomplishing when the Devil walks right in and rears his ugly head and we feel powerles against him.Many hugs and prayers coming to you

Crystal, nothing about this post is unwholesome!! I strongly, STRONGLY disagree with the previous comment. WOW!Do not let the enemy pull you farther down. That's what he wants. You are a beautiful child of the King (overweight?! tehehe..that made me chuckle 'cause it's like saying the sky is purple.) And I totally get what you're saying about the staying at home thing. Let's be honest- it ain't easy, sister! Be honest: are there days when Doug comes home and you look at him with contempt (I'm exaggerating) thinking "you talked to big people today- I hate you!" ;) Staying at home with your kids is such a blessing, and such a hard JOB sometimes. YOU ARE TRAINING UP THE NEXT GENERATION FOR CHRIST. I'd say that's an important job! So, you tell Satan he is a LIAR. (I won't even get into how talented and creative you are!) Thanks for sharing! :) xoxo

Wow- that first lie- that is one I struggle with. God was just showing me this week how I need healing from a situation that caused this thinking to become rooted in my brain. I know that as He heals and restores me the power of that lie will be diminished. But it is not fun. It is hard. We should start a support group by the looks of things in your comments. :)

I think you are awesome Crystal. Thanks for being vulnerable and transparent.

Crystal, you have no idea how close to home this post hit me. I have two little guys also. I quit my teaching job to be a SAHM when my oldest was born. When all of my friends & collegues were headed back to school that fall, I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep & agonizing over the fact that I had made the wrong decision. I missed being a "contributing" member of our household and to be honest... I missed going to work. One night (basically out of pure frustration & anguish), I pulled out my Bible & a flashlight & just prayed for God to show me some little nugget of wisdom that would help me either decide that it was time to go back to work, or to get over being miserable. I randomly opened to Proverbs 31 & read,

"She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

Wow. Those few verses spoke so much to me that night. I finally felt like I was doing the right thing by staying home with my child & raising him--even though my days were busy, monotonous & paycheck free. I definitely still have days when I daydream about going back to work & being a little more glamourous, but when those thoughts start to creep in, I think of a quote I heard once: "When in doubt, choose the kids. There will be plenty of time later to choose work." Wishing you all the best. :)

I have been going through similar thoughts. I have been wanting to contribute to our income, but still stay at home. (Even if the income is only enough to fund my craft projects). I have also been kicking myself because I feel fat. I want to loose weight. etc. Right before I read your blog I made the decision to not let those thoughts bring me down. Especially so now that I have read this post. I had let Satan get good foot holds. And because of that he has been chipping away at other areas looking for hand holds. Thank you for helping me realize what was going on so that I can kick him off his foot holds and watch him land on his rear. :-)

I heard somewhere that instead of praying quietly for evil to leave my home (or a particular person, situation, etc.)I had to speak it outloud. (I'm not an outloud prayer - not really) So I have dared to do this twice in my home as I have found some disturbing things going on with my children ... BOTH TIMES I have felt an amazing sense of peace come over my home - like I should do this every day, but I don't - and I experience a great feeling of God's presence. I can go with the fact that God can hear me when I talk to Him in my head, but Satan can't - he's gotta hear it and I think he's gotta feel it come out of me with passion, the fact that he doesn't belong with me because I am a child of God.

You are a child of God, my friend, and you have His strength JUST BECAUSE! You have alot in your corner, use it!!! Claim Him as your stronghold (outloud) and see what happens.

Hello! I have been reading your blog for a while and don't think I have ever commented (bad blogger). But I too have struggled with this and even wrote a post about it not too long ago. I just wanted to share what I have been trying to drown out the negative voice. I decided to memorize Phil. 4:8 and whenever those negative hamster wheel thoughts try to sneak in, I say that verse over and over until that's all I hear, which is the TRUTH! Blessings to you sweet sister in Christ!

Sweet lady... thank you. I teach a preschool job two days a week. I've been convicted that I must leave the job next year because I'm not present enough (even just two days of work). Although it gives us a little money to help make ends meet I'm putting too much trust in this little job... your blog post has given me encouragement that I'm doing the right thing. My husband will have to work an extra OT to make up for it... so you're not alone. Thanks again for sharing your heart. ~ kimmylou

oh, friend. praying and praying for you.be encouraged! and your sharing this? encouraged ME! so thanks.praying that you know the lord's peace in a deep, strong way tonight. and the joy and grace of christ may be ever evident to you!press on! xo

I love how you continue to be so honest and open about your struggles. From where I sit, I know you are beautiful inside and out and very much loved by your lovely boys.Hope that by voicing your worries that it has helped to put the enemy in his place.

You are amazing in every way. Your truth, gifts, struggles and love are much needed and appreciated in this world.

satan shudders knowing that you are such a bright light. his negative efforts will always be used for good by God. Always.

Thank you for sharing your raw feelings. I too have whispers of self doubt and negativity, as I think everyone does. satan tries to bring us down, but when will he realize that our Lord has spoken for us already? We are spoken for, protected and loved beyond belief. God uses these dark days to strengthen and love us. Our Lord will crush those glasses of negativity you've been tricked into wearing. He will help you see your pure and perfect beauty. You are so beautiful, dear friend, both inside and out.

You are fabulous right where you are; doing exactly what you are doing.

I so hope that we'll be neighbors in heaven, as I always want to be close to your goodness and grace.

I pray that you will be overwhelmed with joy and relief very soon. xoxo

You are amazing in every way. Your truth, gifts, struggles and love are much needed and appreciated in this world.

satan shudders knowing that you are such a bright light. his negative efforts will always be used for good by God. Always.

Thank you for sharing your raw feelings. I too have whispers of self doubt and negativity, as I think everyone does. satan tries to bring us down, but doesn't he know that our Lord has spoken for us already? We are spoken for, protected and loved beyond belief. God uses these dark days to strengthen and love us. Our Lord will crush those glasses of negativity you've been tricked into wearing. He will help you see your pure and perfect beauty. You are so beautiful, dear friend, both inside and out.

You are fabulous right where you are; doing exactly what you are doing.

I so hope that we'll be neighbors in heaven, as I always want to be close to your goodness and grace.

I've been a stay at home mom for 31 years and homeschooled for the last 18 or so.I've wrestled with these issues also and would like to suggest a book I read just last year by Dr Laura, "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms".I also recently stumbled onto your blog and it has been a blessing. Please keep sharing!

I am only 4 posts into to your blog (bc I just found you about 15 whole minutes ago) and I just want to say 2 things...

One~ After watching that sweet precious video of Aaron, YOU ARE DOING A BETTER "JOB" THAN MOST and YOUR "PAYMENT" WILL BE SO GRACIOUSLY GIVEN TO YOU WHERE IT'S GOING TO MATTER THE MOST.. HEAVEN! Because I can hear God now saying to you.. "Well done! My good and faithful servant!" And no money on earth will EVER out weight THAT! EVER! THAT. IS. YOUR. TRUTH!

Two~ I struggle with Satan telling me the same lies about my weight and loveliness! BUT... What I also try and remember is this...If God is love and He only GIVES love, would HE ever say those words to me? Absolutely NOT! SO I can choose to find my worth in GOD or I can choose to find my worth in Satan. Either way.. My choice. *I need the big swift kick in the butt approach!*

You are doing more on your blog than I have seen, or I am currently doing to further the Kingdom of God. And really... is that not WHY we're here?! For what it's worth.. You have inspired me to take YOUR approach! I will become much more aware in living life and blogging ON PURPOSE for my Creator and for my love of Jesus Christ! Thank you for being the vessel to a message I SOOOO NEEDED TO HEAR! Finding your blog was no accident! It was divine intervention~ I am certain of it!! :)

We were made to be a helpmate and caretaker. That IS your job!!! It is THE MOST DIFFICULT job there is!! Take pride in caring for your beautiful family! That is why God put us on this earth, in this place. Tell the devil to go away in Jesus name. He will sneak in wherever and whenever he can. You are in my thoughts!

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