Consumer Reports, bless their heart, prides themselves on being comprehensively comprehensive when it comes to their product testing. Even for toilet paper. Seriously, they've set up toilet paper feeling stations to determine the softness of each sheet. This looks like an Onion parody video.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad such a company exists to check and cross check and check cross check and eventually play tic-tac-toe with every single detail of every little thing on this planet but still, there comes to a certain point with toilet paper that you just gotta use the damn thing to know how it feels on your butt.

Just watch the video and enjoy CR's methodology, we've added our commentary below. Oh by the way, two brands of White Cloud Toilet Paper (sold at Wal-Mart) was the eventual champion of these tests. Hmph, I guess my Charmin pick isn't the good stuff any more? [Consumer Reports via Consumerist]

Does Doctor Teepee know that toilet paper isn't really meant to be felt with your hands?