Saturday, April 24, 2010

"Tenshun Mat Lo, Yaar"....IPL Zindabad!

Asian Age \ Deccan Chronicle column this morning.Eerie how India is being manipulated....

**************** India taken for a ride….

Oh oh….. should I be worrying about the price of wheat or the future of cricket ?? “ Sports should not be politicized,” said NCP ka aadmi DP Tripathi with a straight face, and I almost fell off my chair with laughter. Politicians have a stranglehold over every marketable game going….it is ONLY about political monopoly. And this guy had the gall to say this at a press conference! He also added sweetly, “ Truth needs no furniture!” That was priceless, given the ‘furniture showrooms’ his party owns. He glibly told reporters that Sharad Pawar met his cabinet colleagues that crucial Modi Bombshell morning, not to discuss cricket at all … but to talk about the price of wheat. Yeah, right! He went on and on about there being no ‘saboot’ to nail anybody at this stage…. and I said to myself, why are we wasting our time on this rubbish? Kuch nahi honewala! Guaranteed. So, don’t be bloody naïve and expect a bloodbath, with mighty heads rolling, and the guilty being marched off to jail. It ain’t happening. This is how it works in India – always has, always will. It’s like asking the Godfather to set up a commission to look into the Mafia’s misdeeds.In reality, our ‘investigations’ are like a romp in the woods. A naughty teddy bear’s picnic. The main players involved ( and I mean players), have finished laughing all the way to the bank ( several banks in strange destinations across the world, actually). They know there is going to be no fall out. And by this time next week they’ll be singing ‘‘Aaal eeez welll.” The only idiots who will be left scratching their heads will be the citizens of India.This is precisely what the Big Boys have been banking on. All that sho-sha about fixing this one and fixing that one, resignations, enquiries, investigations, raids…. don’t we know how this works? A great deal of noise was made all of last week. Every television anchor worth his pinstripe (and her kurtis ) went hoarse following the hot, hot, hot story that finally ended not with a bang (ooooh!!! Sorry Tharoor!!!), but a whimper. It suddenly went ‘phoos’ – kaput! Strange…. in any other country, this would have signaled the beginning of a very thorough and detailed investigation, leading to arrests. That magic word – arrests!! Nothing turns us on as much as watching the high and mighty in hand cuffs. At the end of the day, we are voyeuristic spectators in a packed arena – we want to watch those gladiators bloody themselves and maul one another. We want action… lots of it! As it is, the IPL had become the best Reality Show on television. With trusting cricket lovers playing judges. Just when the elimination rounds were starting to get exciting, a few wet blankets ruined it all by declaring a truce. Since viewers have been kept in the dark about the details of this truce, naturally we are thirsting for more – more of the adrenaline pumping moments that had us mesmerized all of last week, with a Breaking Story every hour. What followed has been an absolute anti- climax! At the time of writing, Modi was still gassing big time, while his ardent supporters were trotting out that annoying line – ‘‘Let the law take its course.” We know what that means – ‘Let’s buy time.’ I loved the ‘new, improved’ Shilpa Shetty appealing to the media to show restraint since Modi ‘has done such a great job.’ No doubt, he has. Only a Modi could have pulled off such a mega plot. For plot it is. In terms of sheer brilliance and outstanding ingenuity, Modi deserves a medal. Roping in the right partners ( money bags of varied hues and ambitions) was step number one. An obvious step, but an invaluable one ( it helped that Modi’s own family members were only too delighted to oblige). Working around government road blocks seems to have posed zero problems for this master strategist. He used his old connections and clout to flatten ( or buy out ) any opposition. With the cunning of the world’s sharpest insider traders, he struck deal after deal, secure in the knowledge that the mega returns he had promised investors would seal their mouths. Crazy how easily this worked – he had stuff on them, they had stuff on him. Everybody had stuff on everybody else. So, nobody could squeal. Nobody did. Till that blessed twitter war got going.And that was it. Well, guess what?There were disgruntled elements in Modi’s carefully protected paradise. And they were the ones who eventually ratted on the self- appointed IPL Commissioner ( or The Great Dictator ). Sick of his arbitrary, arrogant, high handed style of functioning, they decided to whisper in the right ears. Some of those ears were out to get Modi, even while pretending to be his best friends. Too many egoes had entered the picture, while in Modi’s vision there was place for just one - his own.Everything would have gone tickety- boo had another ambitious upstart not ruined the cosy party. Enter Shashi Tharoor – the political rockstar, who richly deserves a shot at playing himself in a Bollywood blockbuster. Shashi was easily dealt with, and as of now, the guy is cooling his heels and waiting it out like a penitent schoolboy after a caning. Shashi is the least of anybody’s problems. He is seen as a chhota mota nuisance valuewalla – his bite no more lethal than a machchar’s. People are openly laughing at his many indiscretions, and even more at Kofi Annan’s rather juvenile attempt to link India’s democracy to this mosquito bite. The most serious error made by us Indians was in believing this entire mess has to do with cricket!! What absolute chumps we were to fall for this. The IPL was never about cricket. It was always about money.So today, when one hears earnest cricket lovers talking about how this gentleman’s game has fallen so low, one doesn’t feel like consoling the mourners. You want to yell, “Wake up, you morons”. See it for what it is – a monumental scam. In the same league as all those other multi-crore scams – and look where they are today. Buried deep, somewhere inaccessible and mysterious. It’s the standard game government agencies are so adept at – keep delaying the investigative processes till people either forget….. or die. Officialdom is vastly amused by all the fuss being made over Sunanda ( “call me Sue” ) Pushkar’s piddly seventy crores!! Come on…. seventy crores?? Are you kidding?? What’s the big deal? It doesn’t even count as petty cash.Ab kya hoga?? Kuch nahi. There will be more chest thumping and fire breathing. Assorted political bods will be accosted by hysterical tv anchors and lie through their teeth. They will do it in a manner so brazen and besharam, we’ll be left gasping. Perhaps, in a fake show of ‘we mean business’, Modi will be asked to back off for a bit and Tharoor , to cool it in the backwaters of Kerala.This will give the much needed time to the ‘asli’ fixers to do what they do best – fix.Which is why I say, “ Tenshun mat lo, yaar.” Aish karo. Par sirf cricket se.

IPL is the biggest hoax from India. It is by the Indians for the Indians and of the Indians. If you watch the matches closely, you can smell fixing scents.Modi is like Macbeth, Pawar is Lady Macbeth, our UPA government is like an impotent god.I want to know why Vinod Mehta wanted to divert attention by bringing a silly phone tapping. What is his agenda?Sunanda's 70crores is peanuts and Bofors 60crores is chilka or chillar. Where is Chitra Subramaniam?

Let us face it We are a Banana Republic. The Rogues will never be caught, inspite of having all proof and clues leading to these culprits.In the long run they will adjust and manuplate the system and we will be back to square one.

A JPC will only help these ex Judges and co. fatten their retirement bank accounts with expenses, at the cost of the exchequer, as the sessions/findings will go on and on for years to gether.We have umpteen JPC's in earlier cases. What have they produced? any positive results?.

These parasites know that majority of the people do not care, as they are illetrate and are more concerned with their daily bread, which is at times not within their reach. They feel that these people, us included (all Indians) deserve what is doled out to us, as we have no other option. Imagine such a lovely Nation, with so much of resources, (even the West cannot boast off)we live with shanties all over. Yes we have more Mobile phones than toilets.We cannot be proud of even having some quality of life.

One wonders, why do these characters want to make sooooo much Money, that too through hanky panky methods, depriving the Country of its due.Where will they take all that dough?Worse still are these criminals who adultrate food, milk and other edible products which are not fit for consumption. We sure know where we are heading.But there is no one to bell the CAT. Say enough is enough.

The fixers get a good dose of help from the news channels. Talk 24 x 7 about a topic with contradicting breaking news and exclusives and special reports and interviews which go nowhere..one gets tired of it, and wants to scream okay move on , we are sick and tired of it..

I realised that Modi's rear end is safe when the Bollywood brigade at IPL came out in full force to support him yesterday.

Did it take more than the 'failed bid' files, which he is supposed to have squirrelled away and which are supposed to have been sufficient to nail the NCP bosses, for him to negotiate a truce? I suppose we'll never know.

BTW, the 70 crore must have been headed for a 'joint account', I'm sure, though that can hardly be proved now.

take a chill pill, mz de! it's all over. now, all can resume sipping tequila/margherita/lassi. the life-changing event is gone into its annual hibernation, sleeping (lying?) dogs should be allowed to lie. noticed neeta ambani's absence from finals, bhajji put the fear of god in her with all his weight-lifting practice. poor thang, she missed one of the greatest debacles of our times: bips' clumsy lip-sync to her own words! and zaheer khan's glower at misfielding then his butterfinger missed catch moments later. well, all the bangalore-blasts-to-shift-finals-venue-for MI-win did not work. everyone, i mean everyone, is licking wounds in some dark lair. farewell, le modi! i hope the trillions you have amassed will make for a very soft pillow, as you slumber on in youthful retirement! what if, it's a very big WHAT, tharoor and modi had this secret pact: let something yellow and slimy hit the fan, and we both bow out without any fire-breathing dragons on our tail. the focus is now on paki demand for return of their toy (kasab/kabab), new airport in mayaland (noida). well, the king is dead, long live the king!!

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Ipl was a huge exercise in PR and finance management.Modi has done a great job.He has also got his 15 minutes of fame!3 IPls in quick succession is no joke.If someone wants to pull the plug on them so be it.The party is over!And some heads must fall!

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