Stop The Press! Victoria Beckham Gets A Flipping Haircut!

March 24th, 2009 - Stuart Heritage

The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it – but forget that.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.

Victoria Beckham, as we all know, is a style icon. Victoria Beckham’s tenure as Posh Spice practically invented the notion of the moody teenager, as thousands of young girls tried to copy their surly hero. And there wasn’t even such a thing as teenage pregnancy before Victoria Beckham got knocked up and everyone copied her. And, oh remember that brief fad last year where you’d only see supermodels being chased around by packs of angry pigs? That was Victoria Beckham’s idea first.

That’s how much of a style icon Victoria Beckham is. When she does something, everyone follows. That’s why so many women are married to shit-thick footballers with silly voices, and it’s also why you’re going to see an awful lot of chavs blundering round with horrible pixie haircuts before long.

That’s right – Victoria Beckham has had a haircut. A proper haircut. A boy’s haircut. Hello reports:

The queen of hair reinvention has done it again. Victoria Beckham unveiled her most daring cut ever, with an elfin crop that will invite comparisons with the Spice Girl’s style icon Audrey Hepburn.

You hear that? It’s Victoria Beckham’s most daring cut ever. Now, copyright restrictions ban us from being able to show you what Victoria Beckham’s haircut looks like, so we’ll have to try to explain exactly how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut actually is.

It’s made of broken glass, for a start, and Victoria has accessorised it with several pairs of open scissors, 28 gallons of petrol and a lit cigarette. What’s more, Victoria Beckham has used her millions to employ a full-size stunt motorcyclist to constantly burn doughnuts around the circumference of her scalp 24 hours a day. And it sings the German national anthem. And, every time Victoria Beckham has an orginal though, her hair actually ejaculates. That’s how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut it. Truly she is the queen of hair reinvention.

Obviously that’s a lie. What Victoria Beckham has actually done is go to the hairdressers and say “Cut most of it off, please.” And the resulting style makes her look like one of the following:

* A gay man

* Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell

* Pauline Quirke‘s shadow at midday

* Cancer Kylie

* The Roswell alien cadaver

* A pastel drawing of Natalie Portman, created by a blind man who hates Natalie Portman and the idea of hair.

I kind of like the pixie cut she’s now sporting. However, Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Natalie Portman………..they wore it better! I’ve worn a pixie cut before and got a lot of compliments. Works best on oval face shapes, I think.