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I know that Oprah and some of her pretend-doctors like Dr. Suzanne Somers love to lecture about the yummy life-affirming coolness that is menopause but I'd like to respectfully disagree. OK, what I'd really like to do is bash their skulls like ripe melons when they talk like that but that just sounds, somehow, a tad harsh.

O, now famously going through "the change" her own self, likes to talk about the wisdom of menopause (say what?) with usual-suspect pals — Oz and heck, probably even Orman ("night sweats are no sweat, my little sweet patootie!"). Me? I'd rather spend my time fashioning crafts using Bernie Madoff's ear hair than hear how this is the most "passionate, creative and satisfying time of your life." I'm just saying.

I'm technically what they call peri-menopausal, which means that you only think about killing your husband three to four times a day. Kidding! I meant three to four times an hour. When you're flat-out menopausal, I'm told these dark thoughts disappear, leaving just a general "peevishness."

Oh, I WISH somebody would tell me that I was acting "peevish." Go ahead. Make my day.

While I'm delighted (OK, not really) that O is making the most of her insomnia, memory loss, night sweats, fatigue and memory loss (ha!) by enlisting the experts' help, most of us don't have famous menopause guru Dr. Christiane Northrup as a BFF so we must settle for our friends. Who, if you must know, leave a lot to be desired lately.

The problem is that if you want to talk menopausal symptoms, your women-friends will just try to out-symptom you.

Me: "I feel like I'm going nuts. I have these little electric current hot flashes, feels like somebody's tazing me, about 12 times a day."

BFF: "Oh, yeah? At least that's better than forgetting everything. The other day, I left my kid at the dry cleaners and took my husband's shirts to see "Up."

Gawd, I really hate her. No I don't. Yes I do. No I don't … C2 Dr. Northrup and probably Dr. Somers like to yak about how menopause is a time when you're at the top of your game, professionally speaking. It's supposed to be the most productive and resourceful time of your working life.

G-d, I hate this job.

I mean, seriously, sitting around writing poo jokes all day for a bunch of unappreciative strangers? Oops. Did I just write that out loud?

I didn't mean it. Yes I did. No I didn't…

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Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here.