Monthly Archives: July 2014

So we’re almost at the end of the Silmarillion
and that’s a problem
because there’s still a lot of misery Tolkien wants to pack in
so what he does
and this is brilliant
is he takes all the misery he’s been saving up
plus all the GREAT NAMES
and uses them on ONE DUDE
this dude’s name is Turin
FOR NOW

So remember those dudes who were trying to hold the mountains against Morgoth?
Well they were led by a dude named Hurin
who Morgoth took prisoner
and then when Hurin repeatedly told Morgoth to go fuck himself
Morgoth was like FINE
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS CURSED FOREVER
and Hurin is like JOKE’S ON YOU
I BET MY FAMILY WILL ANNIHILATE ITSELF SUPER FAST
SO YOUR CURSE WON’T EVEN LAST VERY LONG
and Morgoth is like uhh
yeah, that’s the idea.

Hurin left behind a pregnant wife (Morwen)
and a son (Turin)
and pretty soon Morwen stops being pregnant and now there is a daughter
(Nienor)
But Morwen lives in a bad neighborhood
it’s run by the humans that betrayed the good guys
it’s a shitty place for a baby
so Morwen ships Turin off to live at Thingol and Melian’s place with the elves
but keeps Nienor at home for some reason
and that’s totally fine for like ten minutes

but then Turin grows up
and gets pissed at some elf for making fun of humans
and basically throws that dude off a cliff
and then he’s like oh shit I’m a criminal now
better go run off in the woods and lead a band of outlaws
also I should change my name to Neithan so no one knows who I am
that’ll trick ’em.

But it really doesn’t
the elves decide not to press charges for the murder
because no one really likes the dude Turin killed
and they send one of their best elves to go bring him back
the elf’s name is Bereg
and Bereg shows up at the outlaw camp like hey dude
come back to elftowne
and Turin is like nope
and Bereg is like okay I guess I’m with you now

so they’re running around in the woods
and they find some dwarves
and proceed to rob the shit of them
they shoot one dwarf with an arrow
and then capture that dwarf’s dad
and Turin is like oh shit dude
sorry I killed your son
I don’t have any gold right now
but if I did, I’d totally give it to you for your son.
And the dwarf’s goldlust is SO POWERFUL
that even IMAGINARY GOLD gets his dick hard
so he’s like I like your style, dude
come live in my secret castle.

They live in the castle for a while
and kill a lot of orcs while living there
but there’s a problem:
when Bereg hooked up with Turin, he brought him a special hat
that I think Turin’s dad used to own or something
so Turin puts it on
and likes it so much that he gives himself ANOTHER NAME:
Gorthol, which means “Cool hat”
This would be totally fine
except some of Morgoth’s dudes recognize the hat and tell him about it
and Morgoth is like OH SHIT THAT’S TURIN
GONNA SEND ALL MY SPIES THERE
so the spies capture the dwarf whose house Turin’s living in
all like LET US INTO YOUR SECRET CASTLE TO KILL TURIN
and the dwarf is like yeah fuck those guys
so orcs kill everybody
except Bereg, who is just unconscious
and Turin, who they capture and drag away.
Then Bereg wakes up like AW HELLS NO
and he picks up his magic sword and his rad bow
and chases him some orcs.

Here’s what you should know about Bereg’s magic sword:
it’s called Anglachel
it’s made of black iron from a fallen star
forged by a dark elf who hates everybody
and only gave the sword away because he had to
and the sword is cursed to eventually kill whoever wields it.
Why anyone would choose to wield this sword is a TOTAL MYSTERY
but there you go.

So Bereg tracks down the orcs
and in the process he hooks up with an elf named Gwindor
who just escaped from Morgoth’s mines
and is honestly pretty useless.
Then Bereg sneaks into the orc camp in the middle of the night
gets Turin
brings him to the woods
and cuts his bonds off with that evil sword
which accidentally stabs Turin, waking him up
and Turin is like OH SHIT GOBLINS
and grabs the sword
and STABS BEREG’S FACE
then he finishes waking up and he’s like aww man
now I really can’t go back to Thingol’s place.

But Gwindor is like no worries buddy
you seem like an ok dude
come crash at the hidden city of Nargothrond, where I’m from
and Turin is like I THINK I WILL
BUT FIRST
GOTTA CHANGE MY NAME
Hmm, how about Agarwaen, son of Umarth
(it means bloodface, son of shitty-dad
watch his names get worse over time)

Nargothrond has survived centuries of war with morgoth at this point
for one simple reason:
nobody can fucking find it
but luckily Turin is here now, and that can all stop
Turin proposes a new strategy:
no stealth
stab everyone
and all the elves are like I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR MILITARY CREDENTIALS
BUT YOU SURE ARE SEXY
LET’S DOOOO ITTTTT

While this is going on, Turin also manages to steal Gwindor’s girlfriend
and Gwindor retaliates by telling everyone his real name
so Turin is like Great job, asshole, now I need a NEW NAME
FROM NOW ON, CALL ME MORMEGIL, THE BLACK BLADE
(it’s actually the most sensible name he’s come up with
since he still has that sword he used to stab Bereg
and that sword is black
ALSO CURSED TO SLAY IT’S WIELDER BUT I’M SURE THAT WON’T MATTER)

So Turin kills a lot of dudes with his evil sword
but then some elves show up at Nargothrond like Hey guys
there’s a whole bunch of doom on the way here
you should probably hide in your invisible fortress so as not to get any on you
and Turin is like GUYS
WHOSE ADVICE ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO?
SOME PANSY-ASS ELVES
OR MORMEGIL
THE BLACK BLADE
and everyone is like Black Blade obviously
so instead of doing the smart thing and hiding
they charge head first towards the incoming orcs and dragons

hold up, did I type “dragons”?
Yes I did.
Glaurung the magic dragon is leading the charge
he is fully grown and full of magic hate juice
he kills pretty much everyone
then runs past everyone else and into Nargothrond
which is conveniently accessible because of a bridge Turin made them build
and then when Turin finally shows up to stop them
Glaurung is like Hey bro
look at me
stop yelling for a second and just look at me
LOOK AT ME
Okay.
Now, you’ve been being kind of a huge dick for the past …
your entire life
You stabbed Bereg
You stole Gwindon’s girlfriend
(who I am now totally stealing btw)
also Nargothrond is dead and it’s your fault
but luckily your mom and your sister are still safe at home
OR ARE THEY??
BETTER GO CHECK
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE ORCS WHO ARE KIDNAPPING ALL THE CIVILIANS HERE
GO GO GO
and Turin goes
due to a combination of dragon hypnosis
and the fact that Glaurung is pretty spot on with his argument.

So Turin goes all the way to the town where he was born
but Morwen and Nienor are gone
they went to Thingol’s place to find HIM
so he gets mad and stabs everybody in town
then he finds some random dudes and joins their town
and you know what else he does?
I’ll give you a hint:
HE CHANGES HIS FUCKING NAME
oh shit that wasn’t a hint that was just the answer.
His new name is Turambar
MASTER OF DOOM
(okay forget what I said about his names getting dumber
that one is sick
he should have stared with that one and just stuck with it)

Meanwhile Morwen and Nienor hear that Nargothrond got took by dragons
and that the dude everyone’s been calling Mormegil was actually Turin
and that he’s probably dead
so Morwen is like IMA GO FIND HIM
and Nienor is like NOT WITHOUT MY COMPLETELY USELESS ASS YOU AREN’T
so they go together
along with a bunch of elves who are constantly trying to stop them
but that doesn’t work
instead they all get lost in a fog
Morwen is killed when her horse runs into a tree
and Glaurung the dragon gives Nienor retrograde amnesia by staring at her.
Some of the elves take care of her for a while
but then she takes off all her clothes and runs away.

AND GUESS WHO FINDS HER?
Obviously Turambar, MASTER OF DOOM.
He teaches her how to talk
which leads to a My Fair Lady type scenario
and since nobody knows who anybody is, they get married
because I’m sure you were all wondering how Tolkien could write a myth without incest
and then Turin starts stabbing orcs with his black sword again
which is a great way to let Glaurung know where he is
so here comes Glaurung again

but it’s okay
Turin just finds Glaurung and stabs him in the gut
but then passes out because of too much evil
and then Nienor shows up like oh no my husband is dead
and Glaurung uses his dying breah to be like No he’s not dead
you know what he IS, though?
YOUR BROTHER!
BOOM!
Then Glaurung dies
and Nienor jumps off a cliff.

Then Turin wakes up
and one of his bros is like dude
I think you married your sister and got her pregnant
and she DEFINITELY just killed herself
and Turin is like BULLSHIT
but then some elves from Thingol’s place show up
and Turin’s like oh thank god you’re here
where’s my sister
and they’re like I dunno dude I thought you had her
and Turin is like FUCK.

So he runs off into the woods
and he pulls out his evil black sword
and he’s like hey sword, wanna stab me real quick?
and the sword is like yeah duh.

SO, FINAL SCORE:
TOTAL NUMBER OF NAMES: SIX
TOTAL NUMBER OF FRIENDS/FAMILY MEMBERS DEAD/IMPREGNATED: ALL
TOTAL NUMBER OF THINGS SUCCEEDED AT: ZERO
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS ONLY USE GUNS
THEY ARE LESS OFTEN CURSED.

So someone told me to do this Indonesian myth
and I figured after all that tolkien and videogame shit
y’all could use some culture
so sit and listen
as I tell you the tale
OF THE DUMBEST EVIL SISTER EVER

So there’s this king named Prabu Tapak Agung
and that’s the last time i’m ever typing that name
because now he’s dead
and he made one of his daughters president
but here’s the problem
he made his YOUNGEST daughter president
(her name is Purba Sari)
and her big sister Purba Rarang is like AW HELL NAW
so she runs to her hot evil fiancee Indrajaya
like WAAA WHAT DO I DO
and he’s like don’t even worry
this is why we have witches
and Purba Rarang is like oh yeah

so she finds a witch to give Purba Sari a skin disease
and then runs around the kingdom like EVERYBODY LOOK
PURBA SARI IS UGLY NOW AND IT MEANS SHE DID A SIN
LET’S EXILE HER!!!!1111!!11

God dammit, Purba Rarang
how do you expect that awful fucking lie to work?
I mean you live in a world where magic exists and God is real and stuff
but you know what else causes horrible skin diseases besides God?
FUCKING WITCHES
WHY IS ANYONE GOING TO BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY GOD DID IT?
THAT’S NOT EVEN GOD’S STYLE
HE’D PROBABLY GIVE HER TEN DIFFERENT PLAGUES UNTIL SHE DIED
AND THEN RAISE HER FROM THE DEAD BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH PLAGUES YET

but wow
everyone else in this story is even stupider than Purba Rarang
so Purba Sari DOES get exiled
to a little cottage that the military builds for her in the forest
and she chills out there for several years
until a monkey called Lutung Kasarung brings her some magic water
that makes her skin disease go away
(he found it by meditating
he’s a pretty rad monkey)

so now that she’s not ugly
there’s no reason for Purba Sari to be exiled
so she goes back to the kingdom like sup
and her sister is like WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS
WHY AREN’T YOU UGLY
GO AWAY
and Purba Sari is like NUP
and Purba Rarang is like OK
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL:
WHOEVER’S HAIR IS LONGEST WINS
READY, SET, MEASURE HAIR

WHAT
dude, your sister has been living in the woods for YEARS
FAR FAR AWAY from any type of hair-cuttery
she is DEFINITELY going to win
and guess what
SHE TOTALLY DOES
and Purba Rarang is like uhh
uhh
ok new duel
whoever’s fiancee is the hottest wins
ready, set, HOT FIANCEES

so Purba Rarang is pretty set in this contest
because Indrajaya is pretty hot
plus Purba Sari doesn’t even HAVE a fiancee
but Purba Sari must not have a very high opinion of Indrajaya’s looks
or herself
because she immediately appoints Lutung Kasarung as her fiancee
YES
THE MONKEY

and Purba Rarang is like seriously?
You are going to lose to me
AND marry a monkey in the process?
Holy shit, you suck
but then Lutung Kasarung tells her to go fuck herself
by straight up TURNING INTO A HOT DUDE
WAY HOTTER THAN INDRAJAYA
and Indrajaya gets all embarrassed and runs off
and Purba Rarang is like dang
I guess you’re better than me
go ahead and be queen now, see if I care.

BUT WHY WAS THERE A HOT DUDE IN THAT MONKEY?
I’ll tell you why
Lutung Kasarung was actually a prince
who got turned into a monkey by the gods for being a dick
and at the crucial moment
when he became Purba Sari’s fiancee
he prayed to the gods like Ok guys
I know I have done some bad stuff
like murder and larceny or whatever
but this chick is totally smokin hot
(now that her skin disease is cleared up)
please don’t block my cock
AND THE GODS HEARD HIS PRAYERS

So there’s this chick Aegwyn
you can tell she’s an elf because of all the unnecessary vowels
especially the Y
the W is also a helpful clue
basically every letter in her name is an elf letter
except actually she’s not an elf
what the fuck.

What she IS though
is an immortal guardian of the land of Azeroth
super magical and like a thousand years old
who wanders all over the place
just telling evil to go fuck itself
the only rule is that SHE CAN’T INTERFERE WITH HUMANS AT ALL
so obviously that’s exactly what she does

Why?
BECAUSE SHE’S PRETTY HORNY, YOU GUYS
you try foregoing any and all sexy times for ten centuries
these are problems you are never going to understand.
So Aegwyn is like OH UH OH WHOOPS
I GUESS IT’S TIME FOR ME TO PASS ON MY INSANE MAGICAL POWERS TO MY SON
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET A SON THOUGH
OH SHIT THAT’S RIGHT
FROM INTERCOURSE

so she finds this sorcerer named Neilas Aran
who is extremely well endowed
with magical ability
and she is like hey okay I need you to help me make a baby
he will be magical as fuck
and be in charge of literally everything for as long as he wants to be
and Aran is like ok ok sure but
like
can we continue to talk about this AFTER you are naked

so Aegwyn gets pregnant
and wanders around for a while
fighting demons and imprisoning them and stuff
until she has a baby
at which point she brings it back to Nielas like hey here’s your baby
and Aran is like wtf I’m not ready to be a father
and Aegwyn is like tough tits I’m a wizard I do what I want
BOOM VANISH’D

Soooooooooo all Aegwyn’s powers are in her baby now
but babies are stupid assholes
so Aegwyn wisely puts a time-delay lock on all that magic
until the baby reaches the ripe old age
of FOURTEEN?!
Guys
if there is any age where a person is more of a stupid asshole than when they are a baby
it is fourteen
fourteen is an age where a person will literally do anything they have the ability to do.
for most kids this involves fireworks and a bottle of everclear and maybe trying to walk to Mexico
for Medivh this apparently involves ABSOLUTELY ANY THING HE CAN IMAGINE
which is why when he hits the appointed age
his mind just implodes with all that possibility
and he goes into a coma
FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS

the real reason for this
is remember how Aegwyn was fighting demons and shit earlier?
Well one of them
(named Sargeras)
got inside her in the least sexy way
and burrowed all up inside her baby
and when the time release on all that magic activated
he was like OH SHIT
TIME TO PARTY

so Aegwyn is obviously a little concerned
but not concerned enough to like
actually do anything about it
so she dicks around in the forest for a few years
until Medivh wakes up
and starts inventing new types of problems
and then causing them using his magic.

Basically what he does is he logs into the Twisting Nether
(which is the Warcraft universe’s equivalent of the internet)
and he just starts cruising through shady chatrooms
looking for impressionable young warlocks to catfish.
And pretty soon he finds one
this Orc named Gul’Dan
who lives way over in another world called Draenor
which is a really shitty world
primarily because the orcs have already killed anything that might make it not shitty
and now they’re bored.

So Medivh is like DUDE, Gul’Dan
do you want to party?
I have a world here with tons of murderable people in it
and my mom totally lets me do whatever I want here
you should totally come over
and Gul’Dan is like I dunno
why travel all the way over to your place
when we can always murder our own guys right here?
and Medivh is like DUDE
My mom has this WICKED demon locked up here
he’s called Sargeras and he will totally grant you wishes and shit
my mom won’t let me in but I’m pretty sure we can pick the lock.
and Gul’Dan is like HELL YEAH
LITERALLY HELL YEAH
HOW DO I GET THERE?
and Medivh is like Oh we have this great public transit system
it’s called ripping a hole in reality itself
all you gotta do for me
is promise to murder all the guys in this kingdom I want to be king of
so I can … be king of their corpses
(this gives Gul’Dan a great idea for later)

so Medivh rips open a hole for Gul’Dan in the middle of Azeroth’s shittiest swamp
which is kind of a dick move but I guess he figures the orcs won’t mind
and the orcs all come charging through
stabbing EVERYTHING
and all the humans are like What the fuck Medivh
MAJOR party foul.
And then they stab him for being a dick
and Gul’Dan is like NOOOOOOOOOO
YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHERE THAT TOMB IS
and Medivh is like I would love to buddy
but I’m dead
I don’t even know how I’m saying this
you probably shouldn’t be listening to my thoughts right now
that’s really gonna mess you up

And it does!
Gul’Dan goes into a coma for like a week
and when he wakes up
he discovers that the rest of the orcs are just like Fuck Warlocks
and he’s like fine
I’ll just raise an army of the dead for the new warchief
and go find this sweet demon tomb MYSELF
and when I find it I’m not gonna share it with ANYBODY.
And that goes super well for him
and like the entire sentient population of the multiverse.

So the moral of the story
is don’t give limitless magical power to babies
this is basic stuff you guys.