Alternatives to "no" (ages 3 to 4)

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What to expect at this age

Maybe your preschooler ignores the word "no," or maybe you'd just like to take a more positive approach to disciplining her. Luckily, there are plenty of alternatives to this overused command – and for good reason. Children often become immune to the word, and you may find that it takes ten nos to get your child to respond. Whether you're trying to keep your preschooler out of trouble or teach her right from wrong, try a better, more effective approach than the "n" word.

What you can do

Rephrase
Put a positive spin on your request. Instead of saying no, tell her clearly what she can do instead. Rather than barking, "No! Don't throw the ball in the living room," for instance, try "See if you can roll the ball down the hall". If she's in the middle of an art project and is getting glue all over the floor, help her put newspaper down under her work. This gives her something to do rather than something to stop doing. When you have to act quickly to keep her safe, substitute a more direct warning, such as "Stop!" or "Hot!"

Offer options
Your preschooler wants to feel independent and in control. So rather than issuing a flat-out denial when she begs for some chocolate before lunch, offer her a choice between halved grapes and apple slices. Or let her pick a treat that she can eat after lunch. If she typically insists on wearing an out-of-the-question outfit (like a bathing suit in December), give her two acceptable outfits to choose between each morning. Though she may not be thrilled with the choices you've offered her, she will eventually learn to accept them.

Drive her to distraction
Even a preschooler can be easily distracted from trouble. When a delicate figurine catches her eye in the department store, quickly point out how the light reflects in a mirror across the aisle, or divert her with a question ("What should we have for lunch?"), a toy, or a little snack. Meanwhile, keep her out of the way of temptation. Older preschoolers are easier than younger children to shop with, and more receptive to up-front distraction, too: "We can't play with that china doll, but we can try out the wind-up toys over here."

Avoid the issue
Whenever you can, keep your preschooler out of situations where you'll have to say no, and opt instead for safe environments that encourage her sense of adventure and curiosity. Your home should still be conscientiously childproofed, with dangerous and valuable items kept out of her reach. And choose places where she's free to roam – the playground or your sister's big garden, for instance, over the glassware section in a department store or Great-Grandma Elsie's antique-filled home. And if you’re food shopping, try to avoid the sweet aisle.

You can't isolate your child from all situations where you'll have to say no, of course, but life will be easier for both of you – and you'll be able to say yes more often – if you limit them.

Keep in mind, though, that many preschoolers enjoy shopping and will behave quite well – if you take a few precautions. Plan shopping trips for times when your child is well rested, and don't overdo it – an hour or two at the shopping centre is plenty.

Ignore minor infractions
Life presents plenty of meaningful opportunities to teach your child discipline. Don't go looking for extras. If she's splashing in a puddle and you're on your way home anyway, why not let her? If she wants to wear her favourite T-shirt to bed, what's the harm? Choose your battles. Indulge her sense of adventure, fun and exploration whenever you can. If she's safe and you don't have to say no, let it slide.

Say it like you mean it
Of course, when her behaviour does matter, and you really do need to say no, don't waffle. Say it firmly (but calmly), with conviction and a poker face – "No! Don't pull the cat's tail." An amused "No, no, sweetie" sends your preschooler mixed messages and certainly won't discourage her. When she responds, give her a smile or a hug and follow up with something affirmative – "Yes! What a good listener you are!"

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