Friday Fun Stuff – 4-1-16

President Obama Roasts Donald Trump At White House Correspondents’ Dinner!

April Fool’s Day One Liners

Change your Facebook Status to “I’m Engaged” and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.

You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool’s joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.

Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. “So it’s like any other day.”

Do you think they named April fool’s Day in your honor?

April Fools’ Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

Unemployment gives me plenty of time to make some cunning April fool’s pranks on the people who made me unemployed.

I wish I could be on jury duty on April fool’s day.

I’m sorry you had to leave thanks to my April fool’s Day joke.

I believe you still think it’s March, so I am sure you won’t pull any April fool’s Day pranks on me.

I wish your workday won’t be as boring as a multi-billion dollar company’s April fool’s Day prank.

You should know that on April fool’s Day my natural mistrust of others will go up to a level nearly the psychosis.

If we would have sex tonight I’d be happy with you telling everyone it was just an April fool’s joke.

You’re really smart to wait until after midnight to tell me you love me.

Let me all wish you a happy Pretty-Much-Just another day where all of the news you find on the internet is actually fake.

May your playful April Fool’s Day prank help make your multi-billion dollar corporation appear slightly less evil.

Dear friend, I’m sorry that my April Fool’s Day joke which I played on you resulted in your deportation from the country.

I think that on the 1st of April Facebook should switch the “Status update” field with the “Search” field. In that way we would all get to know what people our friends are stalking.

Ten Of The Best April Fool’s Day Hoaxes

NEW YORK (AFP) – From television revealing that spaghetti grows on trees to advertisements for the left-handed burger, the tradition of April Fool’s Day stories in the media has a weird and wonderful history.

Here are 10 of the top April Fool’s Day pranks ever pulled off, as judged by the San Diego-based Museum of Hoaxes for their notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped.

– In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

– In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270 kilometers per hour (168 miles per hour) was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill — pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed — in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans’ celebrations were short-lived.

– Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station’s technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive color pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.

– In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia’s Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

– In 1977, British newspaper The Guardian published a seven-page supplement for the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.

– In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon http://search.news.yahoo.com/search/news/?p=Richard+Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon’s voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.

– In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the “Biblical value” of 3.0.

– Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the “Left-Handed Whopper,” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original “right-handed” version.

– Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed — a technique they used to hunt penguins.

– Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth’s gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.

Signs You May Have Trump Supporter Syndrome, or S.T.U.P.I.D.

Have you been exposed to “Support for Trump’s Unreal Policies Infecting the Dumb”?

Have you recently been experiencing unreasonable, violent or curmudgeony thoughts towards people who’ve done nothing wrong? This election cycle has taken its toll on everyone’s immune system and its ability to fight off bullshit.

It’s possible that you might have been exposed to Support for Trump’s Unreal Policies Infecting the Dumb, or S.T.U.P.I.D.

Here are some symptoms and ways to identify if you’re afflicted with S.T.U.P.I.D.:

Sore throat … Are you repeatedly yelling “USA,” “build that wall,” or just at minorities in general?

Fatigue … Do you find yourself getting in an increasing number of violent, physical acts?

Headache … Did you recently attend a speech where the average syllable count of words hit over two?

Increased mucus … Are habitual lies being jammed down your gullet, perhaps requiring an increased production of mucus to lubricate said gullet?

Confusion and dizziness … Does your candidate say one thing, only to say the opposite not long after?

Fever … Does the idea of people who don’t look like you being in your country burn you up?

Bloodshot eyes or blindness … Have you been spending an inordinate amount of time watching Obama birther conspiracy videos on YouTube?

Sweats … Are you worried someone’s coming to get your guns? … Because they are. Who? You know … THEY.

Muscle spasms … Do your right arm, hand and fingers go rigid, forcing your limb up and outward in a saluting motion?

Once you know for sure that you have S.T.U.P.I.D., immediately consult your local librarian. Read up on unfamiliar cultures, people and lifestyles. A regular dose of this and you’ll realize how similar we all are in no time!

Rules Of Dieting

• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
• When you eat with someone else, your calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
• Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren’t real.
• When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
• Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
• Foods that are the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
• Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.

Love Seminar

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered “today,” a few “yesterday,” and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
“I love you, sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman
and read aloud the text message she received in response to her message.

Below are hilarious 11 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love
….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?

‘The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me?’ The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’ ‘Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.’

Gentle Thoughts For Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL.”

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”.

Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much

10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping… with your Oldsmobile.
9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel’s stock is up 15.35 since Friday.
8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
7- You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6- Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.
3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1- You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

The Mother-In-Law Tragedy

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’
The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’”

Women’s Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system…

Simple Duties
You make the bed……………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……….0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………………-1
You leave the toilet seat up…………………………………-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty……………….0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings…….+5
But return with beer………………………………………..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night………………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………….+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………….+10
It’s her father……………………………………………-10

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly………..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts……….-5

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………-5
Something she can’t use……………….-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…………..-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………….-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip…………..-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………..-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town……..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal………-25
You know them………-60

The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?”……………..-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding…………-10
You reply, “Where?”………..-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV……..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep………….-20

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party……….0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……..-2
Named Tiffany………………..-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………….-6
Tiffany has implants……………….-8
When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly………..+1
When mingling, you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her on the rump……….-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you”…………….+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but she’s lousy in bed”……-6
That woman is her sister………………..-90
You have one drink, and that’s it…………….0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle………-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted….-18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together…………………+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car………………..+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar……………….-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it….+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional….0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ………….+3
Most of it chips and beer …………..-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den…………+15
Or refinishing the floors………………….+16
Or rewiring the basement………………..+17
Or adding a second floor…………….+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket…….-6
And you’re tickled pink about it…………………-15
You visit her parents…………………0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation …………..+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ……..-3
And the television is off……………………-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear………..-6
And you didn’t even go to college…………..-10
And it’s not your underwear………………..-15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner………………..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar……………+1
Okay, it is a sports bar…………………….-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…….-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player………+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing………………………..+4
If you stink………………………..+2
If you’re not half bad……………………+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause………..-2
You give her a gift……………………0
You give her a gift and it’s a small appliance………….-10
You give her a gift and it’s not a small appliance ………..+1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate………………+2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months……….+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day……..-10
With her credit card……………-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big……….-40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely…………………..-20
You forget your anniversary…………………-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey……………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast………….-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ………………………-5
And the pal is happily married ……………….-4
Or frighteningly single ………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15
You have a few beers……………..-9
And miss curfew by an hour……………..-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call………………..-20
You get home at 3 am………………..-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars………..-40
And not wearing any pants………………….-50
Is that a tattoo??……………..-200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work……………….+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late……………..+10
You wait up…………………..+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed……….+20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together……………..0
You rent a movie……………+2
You rent a movie and it’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY……………….+3
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout………….+5
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep…………………..-1
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool………….-2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie……………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes……………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate ……………….+6
You take her to a movie you like……………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3…………………..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………… 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it……..+20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself……….+30
And she contracts Lyme disease………………………………-25