An insight into the world of films from a girl obsessed with jellyfish

Day 63 – Battlefield Earth

Okay. So. After the wonderful film that I watched earlier (don’t worry, I’ve calmed down now), my friend then decided to put an even better one on. Oh the joys.

Battlefield Earth. This film follows…um…well…hmm…

You know what? I really don’t know what actually happened in this film. I kid you not. For the 2 hours that I sat and endured this film, I had no idea what was going on.

How can you have a film with no plot line? I mean, how is that physically possible? I don’t know what to say. Some things happened…but, what those things were, I couldn’t really say how they linked together, or what exactly they were even. They just happened. And now…I feel a little empty.

So…yeah…the writers really worked their magic with this film…ahem…

Let’s move onto what actually was there shall we?

What shall we start with? Okay, visuals. That should have been good, yeah?

Let’s do an experiment. Tilt your head to the side. Further. Further. One more time. Okay. How’s that? Not comfortable you say? That’s how you had to watch the film, because every single shot was tilted. I mean, okay, there’s dramatic angles, but seriously film? Every single shot? You must be having a laugh. What, could you not afford straight camera holders? Or did you not realise that every single shot was wonky, and when it came to the editing you thought ‘Awww damn it. It’s all wonky. What do we do? Oh, I know. Let’s say it was our artistic choice!’ Dumbasses.

So, yeah, visuals. Fail. Characters?

I felt no emotional connection with any character in this entire film. Is that even possible? Well, clearly it is, coz this film did it. And it took me over an hour to realise that the main guy (or at least I think he was the main guy, who knows in this damn film) was called Jonnie. Surely that’s kind of an important thing to drill into someone’s head…you know. The protagonist’s name. Nope. Just casually slide it in after an hour. No one will mind. Grumble.

And John Travolta. Oh John Travolta. What have you done? I am a fan of yours, but not even you can justify this performance. I’m not even sure you can call it a performance even. That accent you were ‘attempting’…what was it? Was it American? Or Irish? Or…I don’t know…Badactingan? Who knows? I certainly don’t. I’m surprised you were ever asked to act again after this. Wow. Just…wow.

So, when people say that this is one of the worst movies ever made, they really aren’t wrong. They just give you nothing. Scenes are repeated (literally, I saw Jonnie running in slow motion a good four or five times in the exact same way during this film), language is just bizarre (apparently we humans speak in grunts now…yeah, think about it) and linearity is just non-existent. I blinked, and I must have missed something vitally important. Never in my life has there been such emptiness in a film.

So, despite all of this, it did not anger me as much as my previous film (It-That-Must-Not-Be-Named). There was more to the previous film, but you know what? This one didn’t insult me. It may have made what remaining IQ I have skyrocket to the lowest of levels, but insult me is one thing I did not. So kudos on that one.

But frankly, this is not a good film. I can’t even say this is a bad film. It’s just so much worse than that. If you’re willing to sit through 2 hours and have your mind melted, then this is worth a watch. In fact, I dare you to watch it and try and make sense of it. If you do, please, let me know how you got on. I really really want to know.

Now…I might have another film lined up…providing my friend’s not as messed up as I am…