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Guitarists

Ah, sweet guitar. That multi-stringed instrument that is probably the most popular instrument to learn in modern society. You know what it is. Guitarists are the people that play guitar.

Just The Facts

A guitar is a badass instrument of music (or torture, depending on the guitarist).

They can be acoustic (soft and boring), electric (loud and awesome), or both (jazzy).

Many people take up guitar because they think it makes them look cool to girls.

If a girl is dumb enough to fall for that, you should probably avoid her.

Singing soft slow songs that make John Mayer look hardcore does not mean you are a talented guitarist. It probably means you don't know crap about music.

Guitarists can be very condescending towards people that don't know crap about real music.

Types of Guitarists

Type 1: The Girly Poser

These are guys you see hanging around starbucks with an acoustic guitar. A lot of the time they don't even pretend to play it. The rest of the time they are whispering some John Mayer radio hit and strumming about one simple chord every few seconds. You can usually hear lots of emotion in the voices of these artists out on the streets. Specifically, you can hear emotions like "Oh God why can't I actually learn to play guitar? Why am I just so desperate to get laid?". They have recently been flocking to YouTube, which at least makes the torture of hearing them voluntary.

Type 2: The Technician

Few of these guitarists ever make it famous, for the same reason there aren't as many famous xylophonists. They just aren't expressive. But damn, they can do some crazy shit. They are musical perfectionists who can play every scale lightning fast. They also have their fair share of YouTube videos. One variation of these are the Flamenco guitarists. They combine technical ability with emotional expression to create acoustic, under-appreciated BADASSERY that is probably the single best form of music to get you laid. Example: www.youtube.com/watch

Type 3: The Old Guy

The most common version of these are old bluesman. They sing like they've had their vocal chords shredded by rusted razor. Most modern guitarists owe these guys bigtime. Famous rock guitarists like Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn have their playing rooted in the blues. For evidence of the old guys' awesomeness, see here: www.youtube.com/watch

Type 4: The Gods

The title should be self-explanatory. They also help show us what is wrong with the Type 1 Girly Posers. Namely, this just confuses them: www.youtube.com/watch As well, the Gods are often less restricted by conventional guitar playing methods. Jimmy Page made epic guitar solos with a fucking cello bow.

As the Gods will prove, being a guitarist is about playing with your soul, not getting chicks and not singing on YouTube while someone pulls firmly on your nads.