Like this:

We are hearing a lot of talk these days about self-care and many people are left feeling like it is just one more thing to do in their already packed schedule. We know what we should do, but something is keeping us from doing it.

Join me – Tami Hackbarth – , Holly Holt and Nikki Stern for an evening discussion talking about what self-care really is and how to bring more of it into your life and how to feel good every day.

You will leave the workshop with a new way of thinking about self-care and a plan to get started right away.

Like this:

Each week in 2017 I’ll be sending you articles that have caught my attention. I love clicking through links in the round up posts of my favorite bloggers each weekend and I hope you enjoy clicking through mine!

How Yoga and Body Acceptance Can Guide Your Whole Year – I am currently reading Anna’s new book Curvy Yoga and shaking my head in agreement on every page. The biggest take away so far is body neutrality will get women to the point where they can stop caring about the size of their thighs and have the bandwidth to change the freaking world.

The Invisible Workload that Drags Women Down -….It’s just that her willingness to do it allows everyone else the freedom not to. We need to let our families have the chance to do more of the thinking. At my house I tell my hubs and kid that I “don’t want to hog all the good jobs” which is code for I don’t live here alone – pull your weight.

Here’s the background as to why I am talking about politics and the election (and, of course, also talking about self-care).

I grew up in a very diverse area of the SF Bay Area (Richmond) in the 80s and I studied political science and African American Studies in college. From age 20 – 31 I volunteered and worked on staff for: Planned Parenthood, Oregon NARAL, Pro-Choice America, a US Senator, a US House Representative, a CA Assembly Speaker, a statewide ballot measure about reproductive rights and more. I was a burnt out staffer and left politics to do direct service as a teacher in a high poverty school.

I am a lifelong feminist and activist at heart. Today’s reads are to inform and to soothe the soul.

Please take this as an invitation to learn more and GET INVOLVED in what is important to you.

“Our constitutional democracy
demands our participation,
not just every four years
but all the time.”
— Hillary Clinton, November 9, 2016

How to Effectively Lobby Your Congressperson – Calling your representative’s DC office might feel more natural because they are the office primarily responsible for managing legislation. However, the state office staffers are usually from your state and part of the community you live in—they are truly local. Also, state office numbers are less likely to be busy or have a long hold. Significant volumes of calls in a state office also require coordination by the DC and district office staff and get noticed right away.<–YES

White Privilege: Unpacking the White Knapsack – I was first exposed to this at 21 (and it has recently been pointed out that most white people have never seen or heard of this) and was shocked how much privilege I enjoy in America based on the color of my skin. You might be surprised as well.

Post Election Plan from Edit Your Life Show – my favorite take away is programming my Congressional representatives district office phone numbers into my phone, so it makes it that much easier to make my weekly (or more frequent) calls. Super easy and actionable!

I’d love to know what you are reading (+ watching) and listening to these days.
I look forward to seeing you soon!

In order to share what I learned, I am starting what I am calling my Self-Care Myth Busting Series.

Self-Care Myth #1:
Self-Care is Selfish

I heard from A LOT women, all over the country, that self-care is selfish. I was astonished. I had no idea so many women were suffering in this way.

Are you one of them?

The women I talked to didn’t lead with self-care is selfish though. They lead with telling me all the ways they know how they should take care of themselves, they gladly told me of their limited successes and then confessed all the ways they are failing themselves.

When I ask the question – what is the hardest part of self-care? – that’s when the truth comes out.

Self-care is selfish.

Over and over again. I keep hearing that and it makes me sad and if I’m being honest – it pisses me off (not at the women I was talking to! But at this cultural message). More on that in a minute though.

The definition of selfish is “lacking concern for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”

Here’s the thing, I have yet to meet a woman lacking in concern for others. But I do keep meeting lots of women who completely disregard themselves.

Since when don’t women matter?

With this pervasive belief self-care is selfish – no wonder why there are so few women who want to dive head first into self-care.

I’m here to offer an alternative way of thinking.

First let’s start with the definition of self-care.

This is the definition of self-care I use:

Self care includes any intentional actions you take to care for your physical, mental and emotional health. {Here’s the source of that definition which includes lots of great ideas for self-care}.

The only part I think is missing is the spiritual part of yourself. So when I think of how I am going to take care of myself I include all four of those areas. The details are different for each of us and it’s important that all parts of ourselves are nourished regularly to be truly healthy, happy and sane.

What this definition of self-care doesn’t mention is shirking responsibility for others or disregarding the people you love. It is simply the act or acts that you do to take care of your whole being.

Here’s why I am mad.

So many smart, awesome women are believing something I simply do not find to be true.

Self-care is NOT selfish.

Self-care is taking care of oneself as if you matter. Period. End of story.

I’ll use my own life as an example. In taking care of myself – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually – I am not ignoring my family or their needs.

I am simply taking care of my business so no one else has to. I am responsible for taking care of me.

At the same time, I am teaching my daughter to take care of herself so she isn’t looking for someone else to take care of her and I’m teaching my partner how to take care of himself so I don’t have to.

Which isn’t to say we’re all islands who no longer need one another. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We are interdependent – we rely on each other to help each one of us take care of ourselves.

Everyone in my family matters equally and we all get to get our needs met. While we don’t all need exactly the same things, no one has to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of others.

You don’t have to forget yourself in order to be a great partner, mother, daughter, aunt or friend.

This process helps clients dramatically improve their outlook on work and life, while improving their leadership skills and unlocking their potential.

In my own experience with working with a coach, this is exactly what happened!

A few years ago I was stuck and feeling like old thought patterns were getting in the way of moving forward in life and business. I knew I needed help because what I had been doing wasn’t working anymore and I wanted to make changes in my life and business, not just stick to the status quo. I wanted to do my life differently than I had seen anyone else do it.

Luckily this was a time when my coach, Nikki Stern, came back into my life. We had met years before and during her time in the PNW, she became a certified coach. I was super curious about what she did and so I immediately signed up with her for a few sessions.

Before our first meeting Nikki asked me to write some answers to prepared questions to really clarify what I wanted to work on and during our in-person, phone and Skype sessions (all depended on our availablity). During our sessions, she asked me thought-provoking questions which lead to some pretty big epiphanies for me. And those epiphanies lead to some small changes that lead to huge shifts in my personal and professional life.

I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I hadn’t worked with a coach and I’m excited to learn how to help others in this way.

– Therapy deals with healing pain, dysfunction and conflict within an individual or in relationships. The focus is often on resolving difficulties arising from the past….

– Consulting: Individuals or organizations retain consultants for their expertise. While consulting approaches vary widely, the assumption is the consultant will diagnose problems and prescribe and, sometimes, implement solutions…

– Mentoring: A mentor is an expert who provides wisdom and guidance based on his or her own experience…

– Training: Training programs are based on objectives set out by the trainer or instructor…

– Athletic Development: Though sports metaphors are often used, professional coaching is different from sports coaching. The athletic coach is often seen as an expert who guides and directs the behavior of individuals or teams based on his or her greater experience and knowledge…

Coaches:

Coaching supports personal and professional growth based on self-initiated change in pursuit of specific actionable outcomes. These outcomes are linked to personal or professional success. Coaching is future focused. While positive feelings/emotions may be a natural outcome of coaching, the primary focus is on creating actionable strategies for achieving specific goals in one’s work or personal life. The emphases in a coaching relationship are on action, accountability, and follow through.

With coaching, the assumption is that individuals or teams are capable of generating their own solutions, with the coach supplying supportive, discovery-based approaches and frameworks.

The coaching process does not include advising or counseling, and focuses instead on individuals or groups setting and reaching their own objectives.

Though objectives are clarified in the coaching process, they are set by the individual or team being coached, with guidance provided by the coach. Training also assumes a linear learning path that coincides with an established curriculum. Coaching is less linear without a set curriculum.

Professional coaches possess these qualities, but their experience and knowledge of the individual or team determines the direction. Additionally, professional coaching, unlike athletic development, does not focus on behaviors that are being executed poorly or incorrectly. Instead, the focus is on identifying opportunity for development based on individual strengths and capabilities.

What else would you like to know about coaching?

So many questions for you:

– Are you inspired to start a Summer of Intentionality – what do you want to read, do and learn this summer?

You can listen to episode one to hear how Nikki and Melissa met and became friends. I love their business BFF story which has lead to real friendship.

I am lucky enough to call both of them friends as well! I met Nikki at It’s All Yoga about a million years ago and friended her on Facebook because I got a good feeling about her.

Do you ever do that? I recommend doing it. Yes, it feels awkward at first, but it can pay off quickly.

Anyway, once Nikki returned from the Pacific Northwest as a new mama with a kid my kid’s age, I decided we needed to hang out with our kids and so I asked her out on some mama dates and the rest is history. Turns out we have a lot in common – mostly life philosophy – and now co-host retreats together and try to hang out as often as possible.

Melissa and I met not too long after she and Nikki did. People from all parts of our lives kept asking if we knew each other and so we finally met for tea one morning where we, of course, ran into Nikki! It was clearly meant to be.

This episode reminded me of the book:

While neither Nikki, Melissa nor I was in search of a new BFF per se, this book talks about how finding female friends post college is a challenge. And with some effort and vulnerability you can add more awesome women to your friends tribe.

Nikki + Melissa talk about making friends with your body by listening to the messages she sends to you. And then feeding yourself kindly and with so much love.

I love this because so many women struggle with food: too much, not enough, good food versus bad food and so many messages about food and not one of them helpful or kind. I love Nikki’s philosophy about food and connecting it to mood.

This episode reminds me of this book:

Like Nikki, Alex is a health coach (and was the girlfriend in Super Size Me). They share many of the same ideas about food and making friends with ourselves to improve our relationship with food and our bodies.

This episode has me thinking about gift giving and how it hasn’t played a big part in my life. And how that might need to change. Gifts are definitely NOT my love language – even though I do appreciate getting them.

This episode reminds me of this book:

While this book is about a different kind of gift, I couldn’t help but include it here because Brene Brown’s work has been such a huge influence on my life as well as Nikki and Melissa’s.

Nikki and Melissa talk about the book The Power of Receiving by Amanda Owen and how their lives have been changed for the better by learning to accept compliments and allowing others to give freely to them.

Admittedly, this book is a bit woo-woo and out of my comfort zone. Already though reading this book has changed my life in so many positive ways and I continue to dive deeper into this work.

This episode reminded me of:

I highly recommend this book to women who feel they have to do it all themselves and are burnt out and tired. She includes easy exercises to bring more help and ease into your life.

Nikki and Melissa do some real talk about how they used to deal (or not) with their money and how once they started paying attention to it, more came to them.

I love this episode because honestly I struggle around money. Not so much not having enough of it, but in being afraid of it. Being in business for myself has revealed lots of outdated and untrue stories I have been telling myself about money and I’ve spent the last couple years facing my fears (slowly).

This episode reminded me of the book:

I have been slowly making my way through this book (and doing the exercises) in the tiniest book club (just me and one other friend) and I have learned so much about myself and my relationship with money. Whew! Let’s just say, I’ve got a lot of work to do in this area.