Friday, April 1, 2011

Only Human Second Part: A Guide On How To Become Batman

Batman is freaking awesome. He's more than just a man. I'd already pointed that out. Or if you don't believe me, at least have faith in Liam Neeson, he's a stone badass. Damn, have you seen Taken?

He 'd done this to every fucking guy in the movie.

In Batman Begins, Liam Neeson trained Bruce Wayne to be, not Batman, but the top Assassin/Arsonist/Harbinger of Death/Whatever Fucking Nut Job They Wish To Do For The Day of The LeagueOf Shadows, which, from the sound of its name, nothing good will ever come out.

What? No light-sabers?

But unfortunately for them, Wayne didn't want to dick around with innocent and helpless people, and went a different way, and turned out to be the badass, bat suit-wearing, rooftop-jumping, ass-kicking Caped Crusader.

Presumably, he's not a fan of Ken Watanabe.

Hell, the real world, like the Comicbookland, is way, way cooler with Batman around. He's tough. He's strong. He cares for the innocent and the suppressed...

...and the body count.

But fear no more. If becoming Batman is really one of your wet dreams and we can't bring goddamn Liam Neeson because damn, he's now doing Zeus again in his upcoming movie, here's your chance to take the mantle of the Caped Crusader, just in case you confidently believe that you're up to it.

The Batman: Arkham Asylum website lists Batman’s profile, including his mind-blowing attributes for his crime-fighting spree. That's right, you need every single one of them to become a one-man crime stopping army. And after each one, I’ve put the faces of men and women, dead or alive, that are the very epitome of each ass-kicking trait.

We’ll tackle each dude right after and tell you why these guys went down in history as few of the most kickass persons that ever walked our planet and why you don't want to mess up with anyone of them even once in your life even if you have the chance. That's right. These are real-life Batman's, well at least if you pile them up into a single dude. And you have to be like each one of these guys to call yourself ready to jump off rooftops.

But, why the hell?

Like Batman, you will be working like you have adrenaline pumping in your veins instead of blood. If you've played as Batman in Arkham Asylum, the entire thing happens in one freaking night. In the time that Bruce Wayne should be sleeping, or dining with the bigwigs, or caressing some girl's hair, he's in Arkham Asylum, breaking escaped inmate's jaws.

Bruce Wayne's pre-sleep ritual.

If you think that's sleep-deprivation, in the episode of Justice League "Only a Dream", Batman , having no sleep for the past three days, fought and beat crap out of the nightmare-inducing villain Dr. Destiny all by goddamn himself. Why? That's because the rest of the freaking League, Superman and all, has been trapped useless in their dreams.

Dr. Destiny's last moments in the hands of Batman is too painful to type, you can just watch the video.

And how did he do it? Because he trained himself to the point that no amount of physical or mental obstacle can ever stop him.

Damn, just like this guys!

The Shaolin Monks

The Shaolin Monks are always on the height of their physical and mental condition. That means on any given time of their day they can do a finger-stand (see picture above), perform complicated weapons maneuver, and break your neck, and won't even give a fuss over it.

They do this before pizza.

Shaolin training is long, hard, and brutal. No wonder, most monks start training at the age of five. It's a life-long drill. They follow as many as ten precepts for their training. These are the set of rules or philosophy to maximize their physical and mental potential. Yes folks, every time they move, even if they're just running an errand, or breaking some guy's ribs, they're constantly incorporating these ten rules. Which makes your Masteral Degree in Quantumn Physics as easy as pie.

They also have freaking lush breakfasts.

But, why the hell?

If there's one thing that we envy mostly about Batman, aside from the girls he's banging, that will be his shitload of gadgets. Admit it, if he'll be having a Batcave Garage Sale tomorrow, most probably you're one of those who'll line in the queue for days.

And probably will suck up on prices, too

You should have an assload of gadgets, as Batman do. He has a gadget for virtually everything. He has a gadget for flying, one for grappling, for climbing high places, re-breathers, explosive gels, shark-repellents, flame-throwers, smoke-grenades, Kevlar-armors, infrared scanners, termite grenades (wait, what?), knives, explosive shurikens, metal marbles, evidence bags, listening devices, acetylene torches, a motorcycle, a quantum cryptographer (whatever that is), a kickass car, and anything you can think of that is hi-tech, black, and with a bat logo attached on to it.

Like Bat-toothpics.

Batman's over-arching traits can be boiled down into four main categories; physical prowess, deductive abilities, obsession, and wealth. Batman's arsenal of gadgetries corresponds to that last category. He has the most technologically advanced devices in his disposal. And freaking why not? He's the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, and Wayne Technology, the branch that manufactures weapons and military devices, is its biggest subsidiary. Also it is involved in the retrieval and research of alien technology.

It doesn't always go well.

So next time Batman swung an electrically charged Batarang with hypersonic sound waves and detonating gunpowder inside, you can be sure there's a bit of alien in it.

Damn, just like this guys!

Special Weapons And Tactics (S.W.A.T.)

There's nothing really alien about the S.W.A.T. equipments, but just like Batman, their weapons are aimed toward stealth, assault, interception, hostage-rescues and urban warfare. And they have an assload of them as well. Their name is not even a lame a giveaway. Special Weapons And Tactics. Hell. Just look at their basic armor and weaponry set-up.

Just imagine, the S.W.A.T. guys carrying this kind of set-up on their every single operation. It could almost rival that of Batman. Just take off the guns, add a few more high-tech gadgets that the S.W.A.T. would never probably use in their entire existence like the grappler, alien detector, kryptonite ring, security key hacker, goo-shooter, among others. Only, in Batman's case, it will only amount to this:

Whipped up from the Roswell Crash.

For the most part, the S.W.A.T. dudes might be badasses of urban tactics and hostile takeover, but these guys are just puny kindergartens compared to Batman that is the menacing high school bully, taking away their guns from them like candy. This clip from "The Dark Knight" shows how Batman kicked the S.W.A.T. Teams' neoprene-padded asses.

Batman effortlessly beat the crap out of them despite secondary objectives (saving the hostages), and an alarming, looming threat (The Joker). Clearly, we have a mismatch here.

If God works for you, you'll kick butt, too.

But, why the hell?

To most of us, Batman is "The Dark Knight" a.k.a. "The Caped Crusader" a.k.a. "The Batman" a.k.a. One Of This Motherfucker's 200 + Aliases. But to his peers and villain alike, he is the "World's Greatest Detective". If you want to call yourself ready to be a crime-fighter, your deductive ability, observation, power of anticipation, and crime-solving prowess should be unmatched and almost preter-natural, just like the Dark Knight. Still recalling how he cracked Sue Dibny's murder case? He had done this countless times. Solving crimes that had everybody else left dumb-founded. And, most of time, he's doing the thinking while kicking villain's assess.

And even the guys at CSI, with their asses combines, won't do that, and will never be able to do that.

Hell. This isn't even part of their job description. No. Seriously.

And by the way, do you know who started this "World's Greatest Detective" moniker? Superman you say? Wonder Woman? Nope. It's one of his formidable nemesis, his intellectual and physical equal, the nearly-immortal Ra's al Ghul. Ra's age has not been clear. he lives for quite long thanks to the Lazarus Pit. His first appearance in Batman #232', "Daughter of the Demon", introduces him as 700 years old, in Azrael #6, he says he's 450 years old, while in Batman: Birth of the Demon, he assumed he's 500 years old.

If you lived that freaking long, you'd be confused as well.

And what is he doing within that past five centuries? He traveled the world, trained himself in war tactics, operations, and strategies, and honed himself to be an expert in detective works. Yes, just like Batman did. Only, Ra's has 670 years more to use up, which clearly shows up the mismatch here. He's one of the very few people who deduced Batman's alter-ego. But still, he considered Batman, despite being his sheer enemy, as his intellectual equivalent, or probably even greater, and always giving him his due respect and confidence that Batman will go through whatever mental drill the day will throw at him

Damn, just like this guy!

Detective Ellis Parker

In the Comicbookland, the "Greatest Detective" title might belong to Batman, but in the real world, Ellis Parker owns the tile. Yes, gentlemen, he is "America's Greatest Detective". And because he is so uber-awesome as a sleuth and crime-solver, people also dubbed him as a "Real-life Sherlock Holmes". And how many cases should you be handling and solving each year to receive such monikers? 100? 300 cases you say? Each year, Parker handled over 1,000 cases. That's how badass he was.

Because of this credibility, he was also consulted by other detectives, investigators, lawmen, and district attorneys from all over the continental U.S. Using his 4,000 gigabyte per second processing brain , he assisted authorities in tracking down and arresting felons from notorious, malevolent murderers to informal, day-to day perpetrators.

Informal, day-to-day perpetrators.

Like Batman, Ellis Parker had solved crimes that left everyones else scratching their heads and nibbling their pencils. And like him, Parker's awesomeness had made him unpopular to those dicks on the top who thinks his talent is way too much for a gumshoe and getting in their way. After digging in a controversial kidnap case known as "The Crime of the Century", Parker was charged with obstruction of justice and was sent to federal jail where he died.

But, why the hell?

Remember the mismatch between Batman and the S.W.A.T.? Well, this is the reason.Aside from the cool gadgets and a meaty brain, Batman knows how to fight. And he knows every virtual way there is on how to do it. He traveled all over the world to learn various styles and techniques of fighting, and became an expert on them. That means you should be, too.

DCwikia.com summarizes Bruce's globe-trotting, soul-searching, trip to learn the ways of the world on kicking asses.

"While abroad, Wayne learned 127 major styles of combat, from Aikido to Yaw-Yan. Frenchman Henri Ducard made him an apprentice in man-hunting. The ninja Kirigi, and other ninja shadow masters, schooled Wayne in stealth and the ways of the shadow warrior. African Bushman (the Ghost Tribes of the Ten-Eyed Brotherhood, among others) taught hunting techniques, while Nepalese monks revealed healing arts."

Yes, that's right. He learned 127 goddamn combat styles, meaning he knows 127 ways to break every joint in you have in your body, and 126 more to bust the ribs of the other guy with you.

That's after he cursed you in 127 languages.

And what does a guy who knows that many combat styles can do? Forget his S.W.A.T. skirmish. He's taking a break on that, or probably hungry. Watch this video as he crippled dozens of these Batista-sized goons.

I know what you're trying to say. He doesn't look like a human being in that. To be honest, most goons he'd crippled had the same comment. They always think they're surrounded, but they're only fighting one guy in a bat suit. That's how kickass he is.

Damn, just like this guys!

The Navy SEALs

The Navy SEAL is the closest thing to being Batman when it comes to the number of hand to hand combat techniques they know. Being one of this ass-kicking guys is not easy, they have 75 to 80 percent drop-out rate on a regular basis. Meaning that for every 100 hopeful dudes who enter the classes, 80 of them will throw-up, cry, and think of going home, probably while reminiscing the times they were free and just drinking beer.

And not being randomly drowned by some guy in uniform.

Like the monks, they go through long and tough physical trainings. And that includes learning various martial arts. SEAL's arsenal of martail arts include the Close Quarter Combats, and various fighting style all over the world like Japaneses and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Western Boxing, Muay Thai, Krav Maga, Sylat Knife Techniques, Wrestling and other 50 more combats styles designed to break international terrorists' clavicles. Just imagine cramming that number of techniques in your arsenal.

The SEALs during their moments of relaxation.

Though they may be not learning as many combat skills as Batman did, these elite professionals are one of the best soldiers in the world. But, you might be asking, what are the odds of Batman if he ever he goes against these guys. Well, can you still remember how the marines fare against the Predator until Arnold Schwarzenegger saved the day?

Batman pawned them. Three times in a row. You do the math.

But, why the hell?

Your goal is to be is a one-man crime-fighting army. That means that after going through all the crime scene analysis and deducing the perpetrators, you have to hunt down those who are responsible, and make them pay the due, probably with gnashing teeth and all.

Batman getting his due.

And as a crime-fighter, you need to understand the criminal's mind, their motivation, how they operate, their whereabouts, and most importantly, how to turn those knowledge against them. And you'll be chasing bazillions of criminals, ranging from petty thieves to psychotic, make-up wearing, criminal masterminds.

Damn, just like this guy!

Inspector Dave Toschi

He, my friends, is a walking, talking, breathing action figure. He's basically Batman without the cape, the cowl, and the gadgets; just the suspenders, a crisp shirt, and a gun holstered in his right. If you're an outlaw, you never want to cross roads with this guy, any time of your day.

Dave Toschi was former inspector in the San Francisco Police Department, who served there from 1952 to 1983, and probably a string of afraid and crying, if not crippled, criminals on his trail. But he was more famous for his role as a chief investigator to hunt down the murderous and enigmatic killer known as the Zodiac, who menaced through Northern California back in 1970's. He did this while sending clues to the cops, just to keep everything insane.

The Zodiac's word-hunt really pissed-off the cops.

And why did Toschi decided to hunt down a murderer that constantly taunts and humiliates cops by his puzzling killing? Because he has balls the size of Antarctica. He was so badass, it was him that inspired the creation of one of the baddest characters that ever grazed the movie screen.

Harry Callahan, the character that brought Clint Eastwood to fameville. Like Toschi, he is an inspector of San Francisco Police Department, and like Toschi, he track down a murderous and enigmatic killer known as Scorpio, who is based on the Zodiac killer himself. But Dirty Harry isn't the first on screen adaptation of Toschi . But long before he became known for hunting down Zodiac, his personality was already brought to the silver screen for the first time.

You might be too young to remember Frank Bullitt, played by Steve McQueen, but hell, long before badassery became mainstream on movies, this gun-totting cop started the shoot-the-bad-guy-in-the-face staple of every action movie.And for the third time, Toschi will again see a movie adaptation of himself, in the film Zodiac, this time as himself, and played by Mark Ruffalo.

That's three goddamn portrayals of Dave Toschi, in three different movies, played by three different kickass actors. He's practically just one portrayal away from Batman. Only awesome guys like Toschi is given that kind of homage.

But, why the hell?

For someone who'll be jumping off rooftops, avoiding bullets, and studying ballistic and forensic samples from the crime-scene, you should know how physics work. Because Batman goddamn does.

Crash course on gravity? No problem!

And he should be. Every time he's drifting his Bat Mobile, he's using physics. On those moments he's using a Batarang to take down say, twenty guys at once, he's using physics. And every time some megalomaniac like Mr. Freeze or Brainiac hatches some apocalyptic plan involving Quantum mechanics theory or Time-Space Warp Continuum, Batman always take them down. Why? Because he damn knows Physics, and he's an expert on them.

In this scene Batman knows which guy will stop the bullet.

Damn, just like this guy!

Stephen Hawking

Theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking, despite being wheelchair-bound and succumbed to Lou Gehrig's disease, had accomplished more academic and honorary achievements than you can ever will in twenty lifetimes. He was the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge for thirty years. A position being held by people of sky-scraping IQ scores, including the Father Of Fucking Everything About Gravity, Sir Isaac Newton. Hawking stepped down last October 2009, leaving a trail of achievements and discoveries that will take an entirely different article just to list down all of them.

Basically, his brain can kick your brain's ass any day. Twenty tears ago, the Big Bang Theory is a concept comprehended only by scientist, scholars, and hardcore mathematicians, and left the rest of the world confounded in the dark. Until Stephen Hawking published his book, A Brief History of Time, the book that made him a pop culture icon, and explained this complex concept understandable to people to common people. Yep, Big Bang Theory of the Creation of The Universe became a household name because of him.

Most scientific theories never make it to TV this big.

Practically, he's the Pope John Paul II of Theoretical Physics, making these things accessible to average minds.

But, why the hell?

Anyone who had seen Batman's computer would have salivated, imagining how awesome World Of Warcraft would look like on that refrigerators-sized desktop.

Pictured: Every computer gamer's wet dream.

Batman, aside from frightening criminals, is your neighborhood computer alpha-geek. his computer has access to FBI records, criminal databases, and probably information of every person in Gotham.

And a Facebook junkie.

He's a top notch programmer, an expert hacker, and a computer engineer, cracking the databases of Gotham's cyber underbelly, especially if you're battling a villain named The Calculator, who's basically wired to almost any virtual information available.

Porn is as easy as pie.

Damn, just like this guy!

Kevin Mitnick

Though how awesome he might seem to be, Kevin Mitnick was not on the right side of the law, at least not previously. He was the most-wanted computer criminal in the United States, and will probably put to shame every guy who calls himself "expert computer hacker". Before he was finally arrested last February 15, 1995, he gained unauthorized access to dozens of computer networks while he was a fugitive, used cloned cellular phones to hide his location, copied valuable proprietary software, intercepted and stole computer passwords, altered computer networks, and broke into and read private e-mails.

Mitnick talking about how illegally awesome he is.

And as if those weren't a kick to the police's poetic balls enough, Mitnick also hacked Motorola, Nokia, Sun Microsystems, Fujitsu Siemens, and Pacific Bell systems. He also hacked and evaded the FBI, and damn, the Pentagon itself, pretty much like what that little robot in the first Transformer movie did.

Basically, enforcement officials were convinced that he had the ability to "start a nuclear war by whistling into a pay phone". Right now, he is computer security consultant and an author of various books. But sorry guys, he isnt' writing how he did all those things. Be contented with your Facebook stalking.

But, why the hell?

The crime scene is a 360-degree workplace. You have the floor, the wall, and the roof. And you need to pay attention to every detail possible; blood stains, broken furnitures, points of entry, shrapnels, and ballistics. And you never see Batman lumbering around carrying Batnotes and Batpencils, that means neither should you. You need to remember every fucking detail yourself.

Batman's memory is exceptional. He basically remembers everything. Crime scenes, people, modus operandi's, evidences, trivial information, and little details. So, if one time he saw your face for a goddamn split second in a wanted poster accused of some cold-blooded crime, and five years later he saw you trying to run again...

...this happens.

Damn, just like this guy!

Kim Peek

There are people who can remember a lot of things they see or hear, and there are people who can insanely remember every fucking thing they see or hear, down to the minute details. Kim Peek is one of them. He possesses extreme eidetic memory due to congenital brain abnormalities. He can finish a book in an hour, and remember almost everything he read. His memory is so awesome, he can read two pages at a time—the left with his left eye and the right with his right—at a rate of about 8–10 seconds per page. He can memorize vast amounts of information in subjects ranging from history and literature, geography, and numbers to sports, music, and dates. It is believed he could recall the content of at least 12,000 books from memory.

His brain can kick your hard drive's ass any day.

And yes, he is the inspiration for Dustin Hoffman's character, Raymond Babbitt, in the movie Rain Man. He's that badass.

Unfortunately, Peek died of a heart attack last December 19, 2009, leaving a legacy of awesome moments, and will forever stay in our goddamned limited memories.

But, why the hell?

Damn, just like this guy!

Richard Sorge

Hell, James Bond could almost have a spot here, but aside form the fact that he's fictional, he'll also look like a pussy in front of Richard Sorge. Sorged worked as a spy for the Soviet Union during World War II, supplying them information of every secret operation that Japan and Germany was hiding in their sleeves.

Sorge uncovered the Anti-Comintern Pact, secret agreement between Japan and Germany to counter rising communist groups, and is also the forerunner of the Axis Powers. He also warned about the Japan's plan to onslaught to Pearl Harbor, which obviously was ignored. And predicted the launch date of Operation Barbarossa, Germany's plan to wreck havoc on Russia's land.

Richard Sorge during one of his spying gig.

But because Stalin was either 1) partially a dick, or 2) a complete dick, he would not believe Sorge. So USSR ended up losing millions of lives due to the clusterfuck of military invasions from Germany.

In Russian, Sorge means "trust me, or get fucked up"

But, why the hell?

Anyone trying to hold Batman hostage for good is like raising a middle finger to Steven Seagal's face and getting away unharmed. It's just scientifically implausible. And if ever someone successfully did, Batman will always escape, at the moment he wants, in the method he wants. Fuck, it never even probably happened at all.

Google search image for "Batman helplessly captured"

Batman is an efficient escape artist, he may not have Superman's strength to break metal chains as if they're interconnected gummy worms , but Batman has an arsenal of techniques, not to mention gadgets, to fucking free himself.

Damn, just like this guy!

Harry Houdini

I've scourged the web and comic archives linking Bruce Wayne to this guy but completely failed. Born as Erik Weisz, Houdini is a Jewish escapologist (yes, they do have a word for people whose job is to escape almost everything) of Hungarian descent. This guy would let himself buried alive, get locked-down, or submerged underwater while in chains and wouldn't give a shit about it. He would raise a middle finger to death, and get himself out alive and well faster than most people can untie their shoe laces.

The show ran only for ten minutes, seven of which is for credits, so they pulled out the useless idea anyway

Throughout the thirty-five years of his career, Houdini performed stunts and escape exhibitions that will give Siegfried & Roy shivers before hugging each other homo-erotically. He would usually free himself from straitjackets while suspended from tall buildings or cranes, or escaping from a wooden crate, nailed and rope-tied, or get himself buried alive and escape just to show Uma Thurman how using kung-fu is a retarded idea. He also performed an escape stunt from the Chinese Water Torture Cell, from which the sound of its name, nothing good will come out.

The Chinese are a terrifying people. Really.

Not a few a people speculated how Houdini we're able to pull off those death defying tricks. Some believed he was a mystic, and able to contact spirits of sorts. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (the guy who created Sherlock Holmes) theorized that he is using sleights of hand, while some, probably while discussing it over their lunch breaks, believed he's regurgitating the keys, meaning he' swallowing it and the vomiting it along the process.

That must be a lot of puke inside.

But, why the hell?

Because Bruce Wayne is one motherfucking filthy rich dude, and you should be, too. He owns a multi-billion dollar corporation, huge-ass mansions, subterranean workshops, private jets, and tank-like sport cars.

Equipped with motorcycles, or whatever damn thing he wants to squeeze inside.

According to Forbes Fictional 2011, this dim-witted, self-absorbed billionaire is worth 6.5 billion dollars, that's close to the annual income of Ethiopia, or NASA's three-year budget plan to launch a fucking satellite into space.

This tie? This worth a truckload of Ethiopians. Buffaloes, I mean.

Forbes Fictional 2010 places Wayne on the seventh spot, well above the mythological sprite Tooth Fairy with $3.9 billion worth (yeah, she made that much from stealing children's teeth) and Gilligan's Island billionaire Thurston Howell III with $2.1 billion worth (turns out coconut cellphones and bamboo spacecrafts aren't good ideas after all). But Wayne also falls below (by mere 500 million dollars) fellow DC superhero, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias from Watchmen, who is worth $7.0 billion.

Yes. Wayne's that fucking monied. I need to cram three rich dicks to cover him. Real estate mogul and possible 2012 US President/Anti-christ candidate Donald Trump, despite his constant berating to middle-class guys in his TV show The Apprentice, is worth only $2.4 billion. He owns a number of hotels, casinos, resorts, golf courses, buildings, and business centers that might take an entire lifetime just to give thought to each one of them. He started his early career in his fathers company and had grown rich by selling his soul to a demon named Boy George[citation needed].

Money can't buy happiness, but at least you can get six hookers for the day.

On the other hand, African-American television host, actress, producer, and philanthropist Oprah Winfrey is worth a bit higher, a whopping $2.7 billion. We have known her to give out 275 Volkswagen New Beetles to her audience, which is equivalent to you shedding out a handful of your pocket lint. She is that fucking rich.

That can't be the 2011 Edition.

And just like every guy named Steve, co-founder, former chief executive officer, and chairman of America Online Steve Case just couldn't stand being loafed and poor. He needed to do something to be deep-pocketed and become a pioneering leader in the Internet industry. And with that he came up with a decent $1.1 billion. Not bad.

But then again, the Internet is full of pioneering, leading assholes.

OK. Let's assume you're able to cover everything listed here. You've trained yourself physically, buffed up your brain, and acquired assloads of money with you just like the dudes listed above, still, there is one hidden attribute to this guide.

But, why the hell?

This is the "Why You Might Suck On This" is all about. Remember, Batman's trait is categorized into four: Wealth, Physical Prowess, Deductive Abilities, and Obsession. The last trait is accountable for this. It's this moment in his childhood that made young Bruce Wayne swear to get rid of Gotham of these criminals. Fuck, we can never (and wouldn't know how to) tell how it feels to lose your parents while you're not even old enough to understand the concept of "murder" or "orphaned", but then again...

Damn, just like this guys!

Ask,

these ...

...children.

These are Iraqi children whose parents were either killed by bombings or by military advancements. If ever these (and other) children found out that a crapload of fortune is waiting for them, you can just give these kids twenty more years and they will start ruling the night and beat terrorists/criminals/common thugs to death.

And why you might suck on this? Because if you suffered the same fate as Batman, you're not reading this article. You might be in some Government agency orphaning parent-less teen-agers, or fuck, you might be in drugs. That's how awesome Batman is, he wouldn't self-destruct, he'd rather destroy others. Especially bad guys. Because fuck bad guys.