DID YOU READ

Here’s what I like about the “Safe” trailer

I know what you’re thinking: “Another Jason Statham movie? Ugh, they’re all the same.” Yes they’re all the same: they’re all incredible awesome. Now be quiet and enjoy the awesomeness of the “Safe” trailer:

Here’s what I like about the “Safe” trailer:

1. It stars Jason Statham. This should probably be reasons one thru five, but I’ll continue on, pointlessly, explaining the other cool things about this trailer.

2. Statham apparently plays Luke Wright, “the Big Apple’s hardest cop, once upon a time” and he also seems to be Russian as well. So why does he still sound British most of the time? Because he’s an action star, and action stars (and Michael Caine for some reason) always have accents that don’t belong to their characters (see: Schwarzenegger, Van Damme). At the end of the trailer, Statham tries actually speaking Russian, and it’s the most charmingly wonky Russian accent on film since Sean Connery in “The Hunt For Red October.”

3. The title card at the end of the trailer appears over a safe. So it’s not just a movie about keeping a little girl with important knowledge safe from the Chinese and Russian mobs: it’s a movie about safe cracking too! I’m just bummed they didn’t find a spot for the image of a baseball player sliding into home while the umpire yells “SAFE!”

4. “Safe” opens just a few months after David Gordon Green’s “The Sitter,” another film about adventures in babysitting. That means one more movie and we’ve got a trend piece, baby! I can’t wait to make these two a double feature, too.

5. We’re getting dangerously close to a meme devoted solely to Jason Statham jumping out of windows in movies. In his last big action flick, “Killer Elite,” he jumped out of a window while still tied to a chair. In “Safe,” Statham appears to jump out of a window using a bad guy as a portable landing cushion.

In closing: Statham. Statham Statham Statham. Jason Statham.

(Statham.)

“Safe” will open March 12, 2012. What’s your favorite Jason Statham movie? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter.

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon.

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number!

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time.

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by.

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?”

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud.

Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

DVDs are the new Vinyl

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

Forget Public Wifi

Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.