Brown Man's Burden

I'm no bigot, BUT ...

Just to show how naive I have been in the past, there was a time when I honestly thought we Americans had finally clawed our way to the top of Mount Race, and were coasting down the other side. It's almost embarrassing to admit, but that's how naive I was.

Not that I ever thought it would be a bump-free ride, all of us sharing the same country. But so much has changed, and pretty fast, when you think about it. We've gone from Step'n'Fetchit and Speedy Gonzales to Colin Powell and Bill Richardson in my lifetime, and I'm not yet 60. I'm lucky to have come along when I did, to see it all get better. My grandfather died before he had the pleasure of learning that human beings are not coons, beaners, guineas, micks, kikes, squaws, bucks, chinks, japs and krauts. He wasn't as lucky as me.

But then again, so much remains the same. My mistake was in thinking that just because I hardly ever hear those rotten words anymore, the ignorance that created them was fading away. Stupid bleeding-heart that I am, I grossly overestimated the capacity for growth in that subspecies which only thrives by exploiting racial tensions for their own benefit. I should have known better. I've worked around them. I've had them over to my house. A cousin of mine even married one of them. Believe me, I know how they are. And now that I'm older, I've come to accept they will never change. It must be in their blood, to forever whip up racial resentments for political gain.

Republicans! Dammit, sometimes I wish they'd all just go back to where they came from.

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To be fair, I'm not sure if they're even aware of how backwards they are, and I strongly suspect that they simply don't have whatever it takes to foresee how their little schemes and scams will turn out. I mean, they're good at a lot of things, we can't take that away from them. Nobody can dance around the truth like a Republican, eh? Just watch that Alberto Gonzales fellow ... man o' man, can he swing! And when you see a whole gated community of them out celebrating 18 holes of golf together ... really, is there any doubt about why they control the financial markets?

Yet, it takes a more advanced sensibility to comprehend something as abstract as the damage you inflict by forever drawing a condescending distinction between peoples, and I'm simply not convinced these goppers ... oh my God! I can't believe I used the g-word. It just slipped out. I'm not really like that. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm not really like that.

Let me start over. The thing is, I'm simply not convinced these ... uh, Republican-Americans are intellectually, emotionally or spiritually prepared to appreciate the extended harm they do when they emphasize racial divides to pull in votes. Face it, in so many ways, they're still like little children, aren't they?

Take that bunch of Boise State College Republicans. You know ... those yaf-a-ninnies who thought it would be so cute to give away a free fajita to anyone who would crawl through a fake hole in a fake fence and accept fake food stamps. Now, anyone with the cranial capacity of a robin understood it as a blatant racial stereotype and an insult to the most desperate people on the North American continent. But not them. "We aren't racists," they cried, and I honestly believe they honestly believe they aren't. After all, nowhere on that flyer they passed out was the word "spic." And in underdeveloped minds like these, as long as you don't say it (out loud in front of the wrong person), then you're not a racist.

Of course, more sophisticated minds would understand that racism goes far beyond ugly labels. More sophisticated minds understand that racism has more to do with the ingrained scorn--the perpetually demeaning attitude, the self-congratulatory posture of cultural superiority, the willful ignorance it takes to lump entire populations into the same mold, the very denial of individuality, the smug snickering over the misfortunes of others, the quickness to blame the ethnic diversity of a nation for whatever's going wrong, the rush to enact simpleton solutions to complex problems ... all that and more--than it has to do with nasty names. No, racism isn't merely the vile slurs. Racism is a lifestyle.

But we can't expect Republican-Americans to absorb all that, now can we? Consider this ... not a full generation ago, barely civilized Republican tribes were using Willy Horton ads to influence elections, so it would be absurd to assume their grasp of morality has evolved much further in such a short time.

As further proof of their aboriginal world view, we need look no further than our own state legislature--which, sadly, has become so integrated with Republican-Americans that it's hardly safe for a refined citizen to walk down the center aisle anymore. And now, simply because there aren't enough decent people there to hold them at bay, they are rioting all of Idaho into a ridiculous English-only ghetto, apparently because, in their primitive minds, they think that bit of voodoo will have some magical effect on the illegal immigration dilemma.

Look, I am the first to admit that illegal immigration presents an immense challenge, not only to our country but to the illegal immigrants as well. But pardon me, I don't think resorting to superstition and "Repubonics" are long-range solutions. What next? Will they be poking needles into Latina Barbie dolls by the next legislative session?

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But perhaps I have gone too far. Perhaps we should all drive a mile in their Escalades before we judge them. After all, these too are human beings. So in the spirit of understanding, I am announcing a fund-raising event meant to expose what life is like for a typical Republican-American. To participate, you must worm your way through a lawn-care crew of minimum-wage earners--without once acknowledging their existence--and continue on your way to a mid-management job at Micron which an old frat brother from college arranged for you. Be prepared to show your resume at any time, but feel free to make it up. The final test will be for you to run for public office with no ideas or qualifications other than you're a Republican, and after you win, you must pretend you're doing something helpful for common people.

The winner will be awarded a lunch at the Arid Club as a guest of the director of the Capital City Development Corporation. All proceeds will go directly into my pocket, seeing as how I could obviously use a bit of Republican-American awareness, myself.