Local

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.

DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.

OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing.

Turnbee, who ordinarily relies on Burger King, McDonald's and other fast-food establishments for his nutritional-intake needs, was confused by procedures regarding Ponderosa's "$6.99 Grand Dinner Buffet." Among his uncertainties: when to pay for the meal, which food items he had unlimited access to, whether soft-drink refills were free, and whether to move around the various serving stations in a clockwise or counterclockwise direction.

"There was a lot of different stuff you had to know," Turnbee said. "I wasn't sure if I was doing it right."

Ponderosa patrons reported seeing Turnbee wander aimlessly for 20 to 30 minutes through the restaurant's all-you-can-eat buffet area, which features more than 75 choices of hot and cold appetizers, salad items, fresh fruits and pasta, as well as a "No Stopping The Toppings" dessert/sundae bar.

"It's pretty confusing. They need to put up some signs explaining how everything works," Turnbee said. "At Taco Bell, at least they have railings so you know where to walk."

According to Ponderosa cashier Liz Rutt, Turnbee was disoriented from the moment he walked in the door. "He was looking up at the big menu for like 10 minutes and then went over by the window for a while, just looking really lost," Rutt said. "Finally, I was like, 'Can I help you? You need to order before you can be seated.'"

Once seated in a booth, Turnbee waited for a server to bring him a plate for the buffet. Finally, after 10 minutes, he approached a server from another section, who informed him that plates were located next to the buffet and that he could "go ahead whenever you're ready."

Turnbee works on his fifth Ponderosa buffet plate.

More confusion awaited Turnbee at the buffet itself. "There was a big table with vegetables and mashed potatoes and all that, but then there were these other little sections off to the side with soup and Mexican food and desserts," Turnbee said. "I know at Wendy's you have to pay extra for the soup and potato bar, so I didn't know for sure which things I could have."

"I tried to watch what other people were taking," he added, "but I wasn't sure if they'd gotten the same buffet deal as me or if they'd gotten some other deal that gave them special access to that stuff."

Turnbee eventually found an elderly woman near the macaroni salad and asked her which items he could eat.

"She told me I could have as much as I wanted of anything in the whole buffet area," Turnbee said. "I was really happy about that, because there were a lot of things I wanted that I'd thought I couldn't get, like the tacos."

Even after determining what he could eat, however, Turnbee continued to struggle. Uncertain "what food went with what," Turnbee's first trip to the buffet resulted in a plateful of spaghetti covered in nacho-cheese sauce, a taco dressed with cottage cheese and fish wedges dipped in lentil soup. Though not confirmed as of press time, it is also believed that Turnbee topped a Sloppy Joe sandwich with several large dollops of sour cream.

Still more trouble came when Turnbee made his first return trip to the buffet. While serving himself buffalo wings, he drew disapproving glares from other buffet patrons before noticing a sign reading, "Please Take A Clean Plate Before Each Trip To The Buffet."

"They put that sign in a really bad place," said Turnbee, defending his use of the dirty plate. "It's right by the clean plates, so the only way you'd see is if you were already getting a clean plate, anyway."

Among Turnbee's other violations of Ponderosa buffet protocol: grabbing rolls without using the provided plastic tongs, using a soup bowl for his ice cream, spilling shredded carrots into the garbanzo beans, and letting the rice pilaf's cover fall into the alfredo sauce.

"The whole time, I really tried to be careful," Turnbee said. "Like, I didn't know if I could cut in by the hot bar, so I just waited in line through all the salad items just to get at the macaroni and cheese way down at the end. But even still, I wound up making all these mistakes. It's a really confusing set-up."

Architect Randall Kouris, who in 1986 drafted the dining-area plan now standard to all Ponderosa franchises, stood behind his design, insisting that the series of smaller buffet islands is not intended to confuse guests but rather to create a homier, less "cafeteria-ish" atmosphere.

"After extensive tests, it was clear that restaurant patrons found this layout much easier to navigate than the traditional cafeteria-style, single-island buffet," Kouris said. "I am truly sorry that Mr. Turnbee had problems with our set-up, but, as I said, most customers seem to greatly prefer it."

Despite Turnbee's difficulties, Ponderosa officials expressed confidence that, in time, he could master the intricacies of the restaurant's buffet.

"The problems Mr. Turnbee encountered are simply the result of unfamiliarity, and I believe it is well within his power to acclimate himself to our system," said Larry Chynoweth, manager of the East Frontage Road Ponderosa. "I would urge Mr. Turnbee to give us another chance and find out just how great the Ponderosa dining experience can be."

Turnbee said it is doubtful he will become a regular customer of the chain.

"The food was really good, and I got a lot for my money, but it's just too complicated," he said. "I think I'm going to stick with Burger King and McDonald's—except maybe on special occasions."