“Couples Therapy” recap (4.9): Fired Up

Last week on Couples Therapy: Everyone was abused and it was terribly depressing. How can I mock people I pity? Child abuse is such a snark killer. Sada’s vast feelings were hurt by Whitney not attending to her emotional needs enough, but really she’s just stressing about confronting her father about his abuse on national television. Fair enough.

This episode opens with Whitney croaking pleas of forgiveness and adoration, and Sada wiping crocodile tears (I suspect Sada is part crocodile) with her gator talons. I’m from Florida, so I know me a gator or really that entire phylum.

This episode opens with Whitney and Sada fighting, then resolving, then hugging. Sada has just learned that “Whitney can’t read my mind,” which is exciting. Sada busts into Taylor and white boy John’s room to take a selfie. Sada and Whitney play pool to calm their nerves. Sada’s father arrives! They hug. Dr. Jen brings Sada and her father in for a private session. Dr. Jen points out that there’s a lot of fighting in Whitney and Sada’s relationship. Sada explains that yelling and aggression are normal because of her childhood. Dr. Jen encourages Sada to open up about how afraid she used to be of her father. Sada’s father used to get mad and break all the furniture in her house, which is not normal, but then the rage would subside and he’d got back to being sweet daddy. Sada’s father mumbles in assent.

Sada’s Dad: Maybe it was the way we were raised. My parents were like that, and my parents’ parents were even worse. My daddy didn’t even have to talk to me, he’d look at me and I’d start shaking.

Cycle of abuse. Tragic. Sada’s father confesses beating Sada once. He apologizes. It’s a nice moment of catharsis. He admits to wrongdoing and asks for forgiveness. Now that they’ve talked about it, the cycle of abuse can finally come to an end. I’m really impressed with both Sada and her father for dealing with childhood trauma in such a mature and honest way. I know I give both Whitney and Sada a ton of shit, but they seem like ok people who’ve been through a ton of crap. Love me some gators.

Whitney and Sada have a nice lil’ snacks snack in the kitchen and Sada thinks some gripping new thoughts.

Sada: You know what I’ve always wanted to try? Past life regression. See if I was Cleopatra.

Whitney: I know, you just want somebody to tell you you were Cleopatra.

Cleopatra, the multilingual political genius who inherent end Egypt from a weak father, killed her siblings, and resisted total domination by Rome while seducing two of the most famous and brilliant classical Roman leaders? Honey, just because you have bottle black hair, mastered the cat eye, and can pop and lock it doesn’t mean you are Cleopatra. Sada is confusing her subconscious desire for the Nile’s murky depths and sunsoaked banks for Cleopatra’s memories rather than those of a crocodile.

Moving on. Farrah isn’t looking forward to her boyfriend visiting the Couples Therapy asylum. Dr. Jen brings in Farrah’s ex, Daniel, who she dated on Teen Mom. Daniel is bland looking and scrawny. His hairline will recede in a year or so. Daniel was drawn in by Farrah’s kind heart, but pushed away by Farrah’s “my way or the highway attitude.” Apparently Farrah doesn’t take constructive criticism well. Farrah has that in common with all of humanity.

Daniel: I saw some things that I didn’t like… Just to give you an overview, I saw her being extremely rude, no regard for anyone but herself, very blunt, and just being disrespectful… I don’t think she notices it… It’s just the way you act with people. It can be offensive.

Wow. It’s awkward to learn you’re an asshole. As a fellow asshole, I know that when someone points out that I’m an asshole my initial reaction is: let me show you how much of an asshole I can be. Farrah is more of an asshole than me though, so that makes me feel good about myself. Daniel leaves, and Dr. Jen tells Farrah that the feedback from Daniel is similar to the Couples Therapy house feedback. Farrah now knows she is rude.

Taylor gurgles about in stilettos looking simultaneously puffy and emaciated. Taylor meets with Dr. Jen to discuss how she’s a people pleaser who puts other people’s feelings in front of her own needs. Ummm, Taylor threw a psychotic tantrum about the Couples Therapy food and air conditioning, abusing staff and causing havoc, so yeah I think Taylor is fine with putting her needs, nay WANTS, before other peoples feelings. I’ve seen the real you, Taylor! And this isn’t it. Moving on.

Jon, Whitney, and Sada smoke outside while discussing Jon’s legal battles with his ex-wife. I can’t believe they’re still suing each other. Like stop. Jon’s weak, but Kate’s malevolent. Jon and Liz fiddle with their phones soulfully on the grass. Jon has a heated phone conversation with Kate and hangs up furiously swearing. Liz tries to calm Jon down. Jon threatens to sue Kate for primary custody.

Field trip! The gang is escorted to a cute little cottage filled with food and furniture. Dr. Jen has devised a fun exercise for the gang all about “breaking the Norman Rockwell image” that’s “exposure therapy.” Each person is instructed to find something in the room that reminds them of their childhood issues, and then to tear the house apart. Everyone puts on SWAT helmets with cameras glued to the top because that’s terribly scientific. Taylor sobs and caterwauls about how hard it is for her to express anger. Then Taylor goes into full on psycho rage mode and rips everything about screaming about her abusive and now deceased ex-husband, who admittedly totally deserves that.

Farrah rips apart the painting “for all the things she couldn’t touch in her house growing up.” Legit reasoning. Farrah learns that all the plastic surgery in the world won’t fill her void. True, but a little Botox on my “marionette lines,” as my dermy so hideously referred to them, would partially fill my void. Injectables don’t count, right? Right. One by one, our celebs cuss and smash. God that looks like SO MUCH FUN YES YES YES. Who wants to let me smash up their house? For my inner void? Any takers?