Ister: Leprechauns are ok. They’re Irish and, therefore, can be mollified by singing traditional airs about the ‘dirty English’. All Irish people are thought hundreds of these from our first day in school and so I can remain safe in the presence of belligerent leprechauns.

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.