Craig’s List – Five Software “Marketing-Speak” Translations

1 “Blurfle Software
announces version
3.0 of ‘NewDAW’”
“Announces” means . . .
well, that the company is
sorta hoping it intends to
ship something, someday.
Maybe sooner rather
than later. Well actually,
probably later. It’s kind
of like when JetBlue
“announces” that a flight
will leave at 4:47 p.m. Of
course it will!

2 “Blurfle Software
now shipping new
version of flagship
program ‘NewDAW’”
“Shipping” means they
hope you forgot that the
program was “announced”
over a year ago, that they
said it would ship in six
months, and then they
said it was “shipping”
three months ago. But
now, they really mean it’s
shipping. And it must be
as true as Jesse Ventura’s
Conspiracy Theory,
because there’s actual box
artwork! So there.

3 “The latest version
includes 23 exciting
new features, as well
as bug fixes”
Careful, now . . . it’s risky
to brag about bug fixes,
because it means the
last version really was as
buggy as that forum guy—
you know, the whiner
dude who complained
in daily, semi-coherent
rants—said it was.
Fortunately, it’s common
knowledge that a new
version never introduces
new bugs!

4 “NewDAW 3.0 features
better workflow, great
new plug-ins, and
an improved audio
engine”
This is the logical followup
to that time they said
that NewDAW 2.0 had
“below-average workflow,
a fairly boring set of
plug-ins, and an audio
engine that generally
works pretty much okay.”
Oh, they didn’t say that?
They said 2.0 had better
workflow, great new
plug-ins, and an improved
audio engine? Nevermind.

5 “NewDAW 3.0 is
available from our
exclusive online
storefront!”
This means the company
has discovered that for
the price of a server
(and an IT department
comprising an indie
rock-listening phantasm
whose résumé consists of
“successfully hacked the
Pentagon”), they don’t
have to duplicate media
or bribe music stores for
shelf space, and can fill
orders while sitting naked
in the kitchen with an
iPad. Sweeeeeeet!