2 days since my mom flung open my door telling me to get up and come help her bury Murdoch.

2 days since my mom went over to the guy’s house that found Murdoch to retrieve him from the gray he gave him, just to bring him so that we could bury him next to his brothers.

2 days since it was confirmed with my own eyes that my precious puppy was indeed dead.

2 days since I stood watching as my dad dug a hole next to Jack & Homi.

2 days since I had to find the strength to help my mom wrap Murdoch in a blanket that I know he loves (a blanket i stole from one of my Delta flights on one of my many trips years ago) and then lay him in the ground. Spreading rose petals over him.

2 days since I watched as my dad filled in the hole with dirt, seperating me and Murdoch with earth….forever.

2 days since Leilani arranged all my friends who knew and loved Murdoch to come over and have a semi goodbye ceremony for him….them.

2 days and I still cant describe to you what it is I feel like and I don’t think I ever will.

For awhile I thought about these feelings and through it would be easiest thinking it’s the same feelings as when my grandma & grandpa died, but as of now I really can’t remember how I felt when they passed.

All I know right now is I feel like I just….exist.

Like I’m afraid to feel anything because I know I’m hanging on by a thread and don’t wanna let go.

I don’t really wanna KNOW that my puppy is gone, even though I saw him laying dead in front of me.

I even took a picture of him, as morbit as that may sound, because I know sooner or later I won’t believe it and need proof again…….and again……and again.

I do know one thing that is similar with the passing of Murdoch with the passing of my grandparents, is I feel like I’ve had to split my personality again. One for me……..and one for all of you.

The one for you showing no weakness and just being the normal funny Amber you guys all know and love (i hope) and the one for me, the one that just wants to crawl into the deepest darkest hole and just wants to die, or be left alone.

But I don’t wanna be left alone because that’s when my mind won’t shut up and it makes my heart hurt.

Today was my first day back at work, in which I almost called off because of how confused I am with how I feel, the last thing I wanted to do was randomly breakdown and people be all O_o at me.

Cuz let’s face it ALOT of people do not understand why people mourn over pets like they’re real people. I simply think it’s because they’re fucking heartless cunts or they’ve never had a pet or just the first part all together.

With me, my pets…….my dogs have NEVER been PETS, they have been friends and in Murdoch’s case my fucking kid :’(

Growing up I had NO FRIENDS, so all I had was my dog I had at the time. And for some reason when I was little my dogs kept ending up passing away. The longest I had a dog before Murdoch was I think 3 years……………Murdoch would of been 13 in December this year.

Not downing on all the other dogs I have, because they were INDEED THE SHIT, but I got Murdoch when I was 15 and I pretty much raised him like he was in fact my kid. Played with him, cuddled with him, talked to him, talked THROUGH him back to me, took him on car rides and more importantly loved him with every single drop of my pathetic self.

Any one of my friends can tell you how happy a dog Murdoch was and it was because of how much I fucking loved him and he knew it, because he loved me too. I could just see it everytime I looked into his eyes or from the obviousness of the wagging of his butt……since his tail was pretty much nonexistent, lol.

Murdoch was the perfect dog, which is what I’ve always thought all my others would of turned out had they lived as long as Murdoch did, but they didn’t and in a way I think it was fate, because otherwise I would of never got Murdoch…………..my Titanic dog………my real life angel sent from above.

Murdoch was born December 19, 1997…………which if anyone know that’s the same date Titanic the movie was released into theaters. Which is in fact my favorite fucking movie. We got Murdoch because my dog Bubba died the summer before….the day we were moving from Jacksonville to here, so he was Bubba’s replacement.

I remember in the spring of ‘98 my mom taking me to get him, since she had already picked him out or paid for him, i fell in love with him the minute I saw him. He was so fucking tiny and had the biggest fucking pitch black eyes I ever saw. You wouldnt know he was real until he blinked because his eyes blended in so well with the rest of the black on his face. He was the runt of the litter and no one wanted him, so of course my mom took him.

I remember seeing him sit on the backseat of my mom’s car all by himself, whimpering because he missed his siblings & parents. Which then my mom turned to me laughing and was like “guess when his birthday is?” which I had no clue but when she told me, I knew he was a sign from God. My own little angel sent to help me out in the coming years with tough times.

And this precious thing did, he grew up to be a warm, happy, outgoing….personality wise……puppy dog. Who would lick my foot just to tell me that he was here if I needed him, even though he couldnt talk back if I talked to him.

But I always thought he was wrong, because everytime I would say what I needed to…to someone (to listen to me), I would look at him and his eyes would show all the warmth and support and love anyone would ever need to get through whatever it was bothering them at the time. And whenever I was crying, he would attack my face with kisses trying to make me giggle instead of crying.

It worked everytime.

I named him after Mr. Murdoch from the movie Titanic, the actor who played him was a short cute little man that had a firey pimp walk, something I saw in this puppy. Hence officializing my ‘Titanic dog’…….my mom of course thought I should of named him Jack, but I didnt want to name a dog after Leo and plus Murdoch sounded cooler, especially since I told my mom he was ‘Mr. Murdoch’ to those that didnt know him

Whenever you were on the family computer…..the countdown of how long it would take for Murdoch to come over and greet you…..began. By jumping up on the side of the chair, looking you in the eyes and wagging his butt. The kid was fucking hardcore champion of smiling with his eyes, he really was. So whenever he did that you couldnt help but smile at him and pet him or better yet his favorite…….picking him up and putting him in your lap while I surfed the internet.

That’s one thing I’m really gonna miss about him……..always crawling in or at least trying to crawl into my lap. My days would normally start with me waking up late as fuck into the afternoon, going to the bathroom and then walking into the kitchen area where the dogs were and sitting in the floor waiting for Murdoch to come from inside, see me sitting in the floor, smiling and charging me jumping into my lap, licking my face.

He was always so happy to see me and I him.

I miss that, no matter if he had seen me 5 minutes before, he’d always greet me like he hadn’t seen me in YEARS. I loved that, it made me feel truely loved for who I am, because to him I really felt like I was everything to him. And he’s everything to me :’(

I miss him so much.

I don’t wanna seem like it surprises me, but these past 2 days have made me hyperaware of how much my daily routine revolved around him. But now……now that he’s gone, I wake up and I truely feel like I have no purpose to be awake………to be alive.

There’s no one in the other room waiting for me to wake up and come cuddle with him every morning and every night before I go to bed.

There’s no one walking me out and watching me leave everytime I leave for work.

There’s no one running out the dog door when they hear my car returning from work and fighting the urge to charge my car, eager for me to get out and talk to him.

There’s no one begging to go on car rides by running up to my car door right before I’m about to close the door and giving me the ‘pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease’ puppy dog eyes, because he knows I’m not going far, but wants to go.

And worst of all, there’s no where here to help me through this…..this pain……….that person that helped me, he’s……he’s gone and I don’t know what to do :’(

No one knows how to act around me, because they know how bad it is that Murdoch is gone and I don’t know what to tell them. I’m sorry I feel stupid for feeling I’m dead inside because my dog died, but that’s really what it boils down to in ‘normal terms’.

I feel wounded………….broken………..and I havent felt like that in a long fucking time and I don’t like it.

I could resort to 15 year old Amber and scream and cry about how i’m “being punished” but I know I’m not. This is life and this is just one of the reasons why it can suck sometimes and you just let the hurt heal you into a stronger person. It’s what I’ve learned from a very young age……..I hate it, but that’s how it is.

I feel so selfish right now only wanting to talk about Murdoch and no one wanting to talk about him because they fear it’ll upset me.

He’s gone, that’s why I’m upset……..not because I’m talking about him. I can talk about him until I’m blue in the face, it’s not the talking about him that makes me upset. It’s not being able to run home and bury my face in his fur and take a big wift and be drowning in his adorable puppy smell that he still has after 12 years.

I want my fucking puppy back

My mom the other day (who is having a hard time with it too, in her own way) told me that some filipino lady friend of her told her there’s this old ‘filipino saying’ that when a beloved pet dies it’s taking the place of another loved one/family member dying. Meaning my dog died so someone else could live. Which then my mom went on to say “maybe Murdoch took Travis’ place so that he’ll be safe in Afghanistan..”.

I’m sorry…………I love my brother, I really fucking do, but I’d rather have my fucking dog back and take the chances with him being in Afghanistan.

I know that makes me sound like the most horriblest person/sister on the face of the earth, but I really am fucking selfish when it comes to Murdoch and I’m pretty sure in other circumstances my opinion would be different, but as of right now, no…………I want Murdoch back

Another sad thing is Travis doesn’t even know yet………my mom didnt wanna tell him since he’s on his way to Afghanistan and he needs to really be alert and shit, but omg when he does find out it’s not gonna be good

He loved Murdoch almost as much as I did

Travis & Murdoch

I was trying to get to a point about work earlier in this blog, one of the reasons why I was so afraid of going was because my supervisor DJ talks ALOT about her dogs and I really think at this point that I’m just a ticking time bomb and can go off whenever and I really didnt wanna put myself in that situation.

But who knows maybe I need that?

I did find something out that made me laugh about her dogs, supposedly they knocked her over sometime Thursday morning and she twisted her ankle. I’m thinking Murdoch’s spirit somehow did that for me? haha

Either way I’m gonna be pretty messed up for awhile because of this, but please don’t feel like you have to walk around on egg shells because of it. I just miss my puppy dog, my kid, my fucking angel………..MY MR. MUDOCH OF THE RMS TITANIC

It’s gonna take me awhile to break all the routines that included him, so it doesn’t hurt so much, but just saying that out loud and thinking about having to force myself to do, it hurts even more and I dont even wanna change it, but I know I have to.

Like whenever I come home late, I’d always go through the back door so I could say goodnight to him, pet him, scratch his butt a bit and kiss him on the face, which he always kissed me back before I kissed him and then would walk me to the gate and watch me walk to my room before going back to his bed to sleep.

I’m gonna miss that.

And always spoiling him with scrap food, just because of how much of a good dog and ADORABLE he is

There’s just entirely too many memories of him in the kitchen area. Like this morning when I was fixing my lunch for work as soon as I stepped in there (first time by myself since we buried him) I instantly felt like I was being suffoicated and it was like I couldn’t fix my lunch fast enough so I could get the hell out of there. Then I felt bad because my mom 3 different times came in and asked me a question and I was really fucking snappy because she was distracting me from getting out of there faster.

I’m gonna miss his kisses

I should just stop rambling and close this, but I’m glad I could say all this here. I can’t say it makes me feel better, but I’m sure it has helped some way

I do wanna thank everyone that’s putting up with me these passed few days and have showered me with love through this, I really appreciate and love you guys so much.

Thank you to Leilani, Jennifer, Courtney, Katie, Angelina & Erin for coming over for that candle visual for Murdoch. I hope you guys got to say your goodbyes, even though rpattz’ singing ‘I was Broken’ was kinda distracting *glares at Katie* but it was still nice.

I have decided that I will probably be painting something on Murdoch’s grave, as well as Homi’s & Jack’s as well (afterwards), so if any of you guys wanna help be apart of that let me know

I’m gonna be ok.

I dont wanna be ok cuz he’s not here with me, but i’ll be ok. I have to……..for him, but more importantly for myself. Otherwise it’s like a slap in the face to his entire existance, or at least to me it seems like it would be

I love you puppy and I miss you so much. I’ll never be able to say that enough to express how much I really do.

Please find Homi & Jack because everyone knows ALL DOGS go to Heaven, even if they were a pain in the ass to their brothers *glares at Homi* I’m sure they’re being taken care of by Mama, Papa and maybe even Tee. I know you only met them a few times but they’ll love you, because I did and you are a huge part of who I am & how I love.

Thanks to Katie for finding out about the free screening for the movie Remember Me, here & Erin were able to score us tickets to it. The screening was last night to a pretty packed and diverse crowd. Saw people from grandpa grey haired couples to the teeny Twilight fans with their mothers……of course.

I even saw a few people reading bibles as they waited for the movie start, as well as club attired girls walking around, perhaps thinking that with this screening that the Robert Pattinson on the screen could indeed see them *shakes head*

One of the reasons I think for the packed house was the buzz about the Eclipse trailer being shown before the Remember Me movie. And the general public aren’t used to going to free screenings for movies, but me who have gone to a ton, know that it’s VERY RARE that they show trailers.

The other reason there was a packed house was because this was the first big movie for Robert Pattinson since the Twilight movies have come out (yes I didn’t forget Little Ashes, but that’s an indie – how many of you got to see that one IN a theater?). So it’s a no vampire makeup, no in pained, completely human look at Robert Pattinson (since the interviews with him aren’t enough for his fans).

I was fortunate enough to last June go and watch a few days of filming for this movie, which for the longest time was my driving force to see it (other then Rob), until I got my hands on the script. It’s a good script in the sense that it really was gonna all fall on the acting in this movie and I was really excited to see how Rob protrayed his character Tyler.

In Remember Me Tyler is (in my opinion) a lost soul, still coping 6 years later with the death of his brother and trying to act as the glue in keeping his family involved with each other every so often. From picking up his little from school everyday, to trying to convince his father who is played by Pierce Bronson to be more involved with his daughter. Which in itself is diffcult enough for Tyler to deal with, because his relationship with his father was damaged with the death of his brother & the divorce from his mother.

Then add into the mix that one night Tyler tries to help these random people out in a fight gets thrown into jail after back talking a true NYC cop played by Chris Cooper. Tyler’s roommate, Aiden finds out that the cop has a daughter, Ally played by Emilie De Raven and suggests Tyler go out with her to get back at Cooper, but what happens is a beautiful & semi tortured love story.

But what happens when Ally finds out the truth?

This movie is filled with cute and hilarious moments as well as heartfail so be sure to bring tissues. Robert Pattinson was so amazing in this movie it’s ridiculous; it’s not really a surprise to me, because to take a character from How To Be and then go to Little Ashes character to Edward Cullen, looking at rpattz by himself you’d never guess he was all 3 of those characters. Well except for the fact that he looks like all of them, haha.

It’s very Leonardo DiCaprio, if I can so amazingly say and that’s another major draw to Robert for me, I see alot of Leo in him and with years of experience I believe he will be an even more amazing actor then he is right now. This movie is the stepping stones that prove it.

So whether you’re just a Twifan, like i am sometimes.

A Rob fan – like i am.

Or more importantly a movie fan – like i am….you should definately go see this movie because it will not disappoint at all.

You WILL laugh, you WILL get mad and you WILL cry, it’s really one of those great movies that’s a rollercoster of emotions. Those movies to me are the best kind!

I have been waiting to see this movie since I heard that Tim Burton was making it. All the movies that I wanna see badly I always go to the midnight showings the Thurs (or sometimes Tues) night before the movie is released, REGARDLESS of if I work the next morning. I wasn’t given that opportunity with Alice in Wonderland because my travel plans had changed to that Thursday before it came out.

So I didn’t get to see it until the Tuesday after it came out; which means I had to get all the hype of what people thought about it. Which usually any hype for anything repels me from it, for example the Twilight books. It wasn’t until I heard Rob sing that I read those books, which was the day before the first movie came out, haha.

Well the repeling hype doesn’t fall under any Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaberation (or Leo for that matter), so Leilani and I went and saw it Tuesday night.

I LOVED it simple as that. The girl that played Alice was freaking me out with how much she looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, but I made it through. The beginning is a bit boring, but as soon as you enter Wonderland you’re hooked right in and anxious to see the Mad Hatter.

Which Johnny Depp was amazing as, but who ever doubt that to be the outcome is truely a moron. I was VERY happy to see that Crispin Glover was in this movie. I hardly EVER see him in any movies now a days, but so glad to see him make it into such an amazing movie. Helena Bonham Carter is perfect as the Queen of Hearts. Not gonna lie to you the makeup on Anne Hathaway was distracting as well as her ever floating hands/arms as she walked *shakes head*

Watching the movie you can’t help but giddy of having flashbacks of stuff that happened in the old cartoon disney movie and although we knew the Mad Hatter wouldnt be doing the Unbirthday song, we did get to hear the twinkle twinkle song, haha.

Oh and did I mention my favorite character in this movie is not the Mad Hatter but…….Hare. OMG he had me & Leilani rolling with his crack addict type of randomness. Sppppppoon! hahaha

In conclusion this movie is for all ages, because it sucks you in and really turn us all into the little kid that some of us like to hide away (not me, haha). So go see it! I haven’t seen it in 3D yet cuz I’m sure it’ll make me sick, but just know you dont have to see it in 3D to be truely entertained with this movie. It’s just as entertaining in regular 2D!