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“I think he’s having an affair,” she said, despondently. “He’s been so distant lately.”

She wasn’t wrong. I’d been hearing for sometime excuses about why he couldn’t come to the party, or forgot the anniversary, or wasn’t able to pick the kids up from netball, or didn’t want to eat dinner with the family.

He seemed to be a million miles away. She’d tell me about lying beside him in bed and feeling desperately alone. He seemed like a stranger. He was rising early, working out, and coming home late. He said he’d been at the gym or exercising with mates from work. This was new. He had changed. For some reason he had changed, without her. And now she was standing on the outside, unsure of how to get back in, unsure of who he was, and unsure of herself.

So she went on the hunt for an explanation. Before asking him outright, the woebegone wife thought she’d see if she could unearth the reason for his remoteness. She expected to find another woman. She supposed she’d confront him. She was miserable, and angry and confused. He would have to take responsibility for that, she thought.

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But she still wasn’t prepared for what she found.

Her husband was not an adulterer. He was anorexic.

The news nearly broke her heart. How could someone she loved so deeply loathe themselves so much? How did this happen? Was it something she did? Was it something she said? What did this mean? Only teenage girls had eating disorders, she thought. Not fully-grown adult men.

“What do you mean?” He told her he didn’t know. They cried all night, together but apart.

In the morning, he tried to explain. He tried to tell her it wasn’t her, or the children, but something inside him that made him that way. Something inside him hated what he looked like. It hated how his body felt. It hated how his body moved. It sneered with every step he took. It mocked every mouthful he tried to take. He would steal into bathrooms and try to rid himself of the poison by emptying his stomach. But the bile always remained.

And then there’s the new book from US psychiatrist Cynthia Bulik that argues we must “erase all stereotypes” relating to eating disorders. This is because many victims are men and women in their 30s and 40s discontented about ageing and either dieting or bingeing to dangerous extremes.

It’s a heartbreaking notion. One I’m sure we can relate too, at least to some degree. The pressure to look perfect is enormous these days. It affects both men and women. It can be debilitating. It can be demoralising. It can lead to death. It needs to be better recognised and talked about by our society.

Because, as the man and the woman who shared their story with me can attest, there is still a great gap in our collective knowledge. This gap is particularly pronounced when we think about eating disorders and men – even more so when those men are considered “old enough to know better”. Fact is, it’s not about age. Disordered eating can happen to anyone. For this reason, everyone should know about it, how to deal with it, and how to begin the long process of healing from it.

“It wasn’t easy,” our wife says now. “We had to work through a lot of issues – his issues and my issues. Then there was the kids, and making sure we were still setting them up in a loving, especially body-loving, environment. I don’t think we’re perfect – in-fact accepting we’re not has been a big part of the process – but he’s a lot happier, I’m a lot happier, and we feel as though we’re together again.

“Though I can’t imagine what it would be like if we weren’t. I felt alone, and so did he, but really we had each other.

“What if he was sick, and really was all by himself?”

What if indeed. Well may we complain about crook body-image obsession, but just as we need to recognise the damaging norms that might lead to illness, we need to recognise the symptoms of the real-life sickness.

Do you know anyone who’s ever been affected by an eating disorder? Have you had one yourself? How did it affect your relationship? How was it overcome, if it was overcome at all?

For help or information, call the Eating Disorders Helpline on 1800 33 4673 (this is a national service).

124 comments so far

It's good to highlight how some people struggle with the pressure to have an ideal body shape, and that men are increasingly under this pressure.

However, it defies belief that someone could be a serious anorexic and their partner not know it - anorexics are typically extremely thin! Unless the person already had that shape, it would surely be noticed immediately. Anorexia often also coexists with other conditions like depression..

Bulimia (a much more common condition), is harder to detect, as is BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The latter in particular exists on a continuum: after all, some concern with body shape etc is entirely normal. A total indifference to one's body, as evidenced by say, massive overeating and no exercise, could also be pathological

I have seen some people overcome mild forms of eating disorder, but these were teenagers. This sometimes involved re-channelling their mild obsessions into other behaviours e.g. dressing meticulously, and there was also a general gaining of social confidence that helped as well. I would imagine teenagers have a better prognosis than mature adults, simply because teenagers typically have more unrealised potential, and thus more natural maturation, to look forward to. Time is not on ill adults' side in the same way.

Commenter

mike88

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 6:31AM

@ mike88

When reading Kate's 'topic', I noted two issues. You have highlighted one - body image and the implications thereof.

The other issue is communication.

Kate wrote "So she went on the hunt for an explanation. Before asking him outright, the woebegone wife thought she’d see if she could unearth the reason for his..."

To me, that was the more important issue.

Kate describes her feelings with hime as 'aloneless'. I suggest there are few couples that at some part of their marriage don't experience a distancing between each other. And, in those periods, life can be quite lonely. For some, it doesn't get resolved (with obvious consequences). For others, one way or another, the matter gets resolved and the two move forward.

On body image, it seems to me that body image issues are typcal of teenagers seeking identity. And, in our consumerist world, body image conformity to stereotype can have dire consequences. But, I question whether body image is so all-consuming in adulthood. Surely the 20+ person has (largely) grown out of this developmental dilemma and come to terms with themself.

So, if an adult is married with kids (as in Kate's depiction), is body image a result of narcissism? If so, what part to relationship love and responsibility play?

Cheers

Commenter

Dalliance

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 9:41AM

I think people need to recognise that anorexia isn’t always about body image but sometimes about the obsessive desire to control and achieve (but not just any sort of achievement, but one gained from suffering so that the feeling of achievement is cathartic, i.e. a test of 'will power' a and the feeling of success from maintaining that will power) or even the manifestation of self loathing.

Commenter

Jill

Location

pro spock

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 10:23AM

Anorexics aren't always thin, just as bulimics aren't always thin. They strive to be but it's a myth they ALL are. You can have (and some have been my friends) overweight people or just normal people who have eating disorders.

Commenter

NuUh

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 10:53AM

@mike88 - it is often very hard for anyone living with someone else with a mental illness (unless it is extreme) to notice, they just know something is not right. People with mental illness are also very good at hiding what is really going on and it can be hard to determine what is normal when all relationships experience some level of conflict, highs and lows. This lady's feelings of feeling like there is someone/something else in the relationship are not unusual. The parts "...seemed to be a million miles away...lying beside him in bed and feeling desperately alone...seemed like a stranger...now she was standing on the outside, unsure of how to get back in, unsure of who he was, and unsure of herself..." - these are feelings that BOTH partners in a relationship where mental illness exists experience. It is something that has gone beyond what normal levels of communication can rectify and can be like a living hell for both parties. Most amazing thing with this story was the husband admitting and acknowledging what was happening to him. Most don't as we live in a society where to have a mental health issue is seen as a failure (hence the feelings experienced by both parties in the relationship). We don't class people as a failure if they have cancer (something again you cannot not necessarily see until in its extreme stages) or expect them to be able to pull their socks up and control it, but we do with mental health. It is a health issue like any other that needs treatment, it does not just go away.

Commenter

justme

Location

Newcastle

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 11:04AM

@Dalliance

I agree narcissim plays a role in some adult BDD. Narcissim, too, exists on a spectrum - some narcissism may even be a good thing. Many people who ensure they are beautiful to look at , for instance, do the rest of us a great service, even if their motives for looking beautiful are narcissistic.

@Jill

I have heard çontrol'as a motive for anorexia, but I think that understates it - obsession may be closer to it. Interestingly, some studies have found many anorexics (around a quarter or so) also have some degree of autism.

IAnother point here is that I believe many conditions like anorexia are often used inaccurately, and even self-dramatically by both individuals affected and those around them. Some people suffering from conditions like anorexia embrace it as aweird kind of identity, so we need to be careful about providing vulnerable people identities that can imprison them in self-destructive behaviours

Commenter

mike88

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 11:04AM

@Nuuh

Anorexia is just one of many eating distorders. One of the diagnostic criterion for Anorexia is a low BMI, and another is vry low caloric inntake so I find it very, very, unllikely your overwieght friend could have anorexia (although they could have another eating disorder). I

@justme

I agree some mental disorders can be well hidden, particularly if the person is functioning well socially. Mental health conditions still have a stigma, true, but that is not the only reason people hide the condition. Often the inability to acknowledge the condition is evidence of the condition - some mentally ill people refuse to acknowledge their condition.

This is why analogies with physical diseases like cancer are only partially applicable. Most people with cancer will readily acknowledge the condition

Commenter

mike88

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 11:21AM

@Mike88"Interestingly, some studies have found many anorexics (around a quarter or so) also have some degree of autism."

This is not actually correct. A recent study has found that those with autism and some with anorexia share common characteristics and genetic traits. But that does not mean anorexia patients are on the autism spectrum as you suggest. Further research is needed before any conclusion can be made.

Commenter

HM

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 12:03PM

NuUH, you are completely correct! have a look at my post in regards to EDNOS - its an eating disorder that no one really knows about and it is actually the most common.

Commenter

E

Location

Sydney

Date and time

August 30, 2013, 12:44PM

@E: hmm, you say they are correct. I fully accept there are people whose obsession with food (whatever form that takes) may occur all of their waking hours, and that it is therefore obviously an eating disorder, but is it anorexia? Isn't anorexia the lack of eating/nutrition TO THE POINT OF being so seriously underweight that you are causing yourself serious physical risk?

If someone is battling food issues all of their waking hours, but ending up a normal weight, then presumably, if they are getting the basics, they won't be suffering from the physical things that anorexics can die from, or cause them lifelong health issues?

Is someone of a normal weight really likely to die from a heart attack, become infertile,etc.?

This isn't suggesting that they don't have major mental health issues, but how do the physical consequences manifest themselves?