Not what was, but what can be — despite your past

Not what was, but what can be. . .

Is this still true when you’ve been affected by another person or your past?

It is!

I was born to a beautiful young mom (prettiest mom in my school) who had her first child at 16. That led to abuse, and cheating, and near poverty. She had another child at 18, and lost her first little one shortly after. After a series of terrible fights and physical abuse, she fled.

For the first time in a long time she felt safe until her husband found her. He held roses in and said he was sorry. Then he assaulted her sexually and left her on the stairwell. Weeks later she realized she was pregnant.

I was that baby.

Growing up was hard but I’ve always been grateful for the courage it took for my mom to keep me.

That brokenness, and the fact that our dad didn’t rescue my mom or us, fractured me and my siblings as we grew up. It was chaotic. Hard. There were punishments or rages that were scary. But there also moments of absolute normalcy. It was confusing.

When I became a Christian, I began to pray that my heart would heal.

The more I prayed the more I sensed that forgiving was key.

But how?

not what was, but what can be

And that’s where we begin our journey together.

The more that I began to grasp the understanding of what it mean to forgive, the more I realized who I was.

Share this:

Related

52 Comments

Holly on February 27, 2013 at 7:33 am

Hi Suzie, Wow, Thanks for telling your story! I don’t know if I am getting ahead, but I wonder if there was a defining moment when you knew you had forgiven? I feel like I waiver, I can get to a place where I feel love for the person and would like to contact them, but then I remember their rejecting ways and feel angry and know I have to let them go, so I think I have to find the place in the middle. ~wise as a serpent gentle as a dove~ I guess the difficulty level of forgiving could also depend if you see the one(s) you are trying to forgive or not… potentially opening new wounds.

No, Holly, there wasn’t. It really is a journey, which is the opposite of how it’s often shared. Chunks would fall away as I embraced forgiving as not just an option, but as a means of living free and giving my children (and me) something greather. Sometimes I would be surprised when I met a situation and instead of anger or hurt, there was compassion or peace instead. God peeled away layers at a time, which made this much more His work as I trusted and surrendered, than my work as I tried to do it on my own through sheer will. I can say that I have forgiven the past fully now, and have for many years, and the beauty of that is that I love to see the next chapter that is to be written, while understanding what God has done with previous chapters. Does that make sense?

Yes it does, thanks! It helps because like Kim was saying, dealing with these I’ll say dark emotions can bring in guilt and shame etc.. over our heads and make us feel beat down. I wrote in my journal a while back something I found on the internet – “Know that you don’t deserve this even if you made mistakes”. So I can believe that as I continue to surrender these things to the Lord, the good things will come. It is funny because I have been feeling like that fruit of the spirit will be there as I forgive. I can absolutely identify with being surprised at handling a situation well. So I pray for more of that! Not what was, but what can be as God who because of his great love, can’t help Himself but to do good things for us — works in and through us.

How I love the words and the testimony you’ve shared, Suzie. In particular, there were two resonating points that impacted me. First, when you said, “It begins to take place as we see that person, or our past, or that set of circumstances as a chapter in our story, rather than a definition of who we are,” and second, when you said, “My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define me or limit who I can be or how I can spiritually grow, with God’s help.” Reflecting on your comments, I am reminded of how important it is that we release ourselves from the things that God has already freed us from. Often, many of us hold emotions, memories, wrongdoings, and hurts over our own heads, feeling in some way that we deserve to “bear the burden” or that it’s our cross to bear. We toddle about with anger and bitterness. We cover ourselves with blankets of shame or guilt. Much of this is done even on the other side of redemption. The evil one magnifies this, but perhaps we do as well. In this quiet place where I sit and examine my life, I am reminded of the Apostle Paul. His life, all that he did, it speaks to your two points. It also speaks of the importance of focusing on a “not what was, but what can be” mindset, heart attitude, and lifestyle. Through God’s power and love, I pray (and am convinced) that all of us who have assembled for this study and who commit to reading this book, but more importantly who actively decide to believe God (and His Word) for divine deliverance, can have a breathtaking transformation. I KNOW that God can help the willing of heart. Thank you as always, Suzie. I will be praying for this blessed work and for the many who are seeking God’s story for their lives. – Blessings

Kim, so many have stories that make mine pale in comparison. The common theme is that God desires to lead us to a new place. We leave one place to find another. We forgive to be free. It’s hard work. It’s a lifetime of growing. It’s absolutely God’s best for us, and for those He loves. Thank you so much for being here.

Did you know that excitement and fear come from the same place? It’s the unknown. Maybe you aren’t ready because of your fear, but you are ready because of the excitement of where God is leading you. Acknowledge one. Follow the other. : )

Suzie, I’ve read your story many times and every time the place of “I was that child” hits me hard. Did you ever struggle with feeling rejected? I’m wondering because I began life with a root of rejection. I know forgiveness is an issue but honestly I’m just not sure who. I see my circumstances as the enemy’s attempt to destroy my life. Do I need to forgive my mom?…I can understand her feelings so that doesn’t seem to fit. Do I forgive God for making me the way He did?..He’s sovereign so that doesn’t make sense. Do I forgive the enemy??..that seems a little strange. Since my birth is the first chapter in my story it seems pretty important to apply forgiveness there. But again, who?!? Well, thanks for listening and thanks for forging a trail through the thick wilderness of unforgiveness for the rest of us to find our way to Love!

Renae, To avoid confusion, I am Susie E, not Suzie the author. I am wondering if you and I are in similar places, and if you have ever thought that you need to forgive yourself? That is what I am working on. My mom and dad “had to get married” because of me. Now intellectually I know that it wasn’t my fault they got pregnant, and like you I see that really there is no one to forgive. Just people doing the best they could. I was loved and raised in a good family, but somehow it wasn’t right. I had depression for decades, and went through therapy for years and years. One day something hit me that rang true as nothing else ever had. And it didn’t come from therapy, it came from my heart. I was ashamed of being alive, of using up air. I was a mistake that could never be made right, and was shamed deep down to my very core. I was the shame. Now, I didn’t know the “secret” of my birth till I was an adult, and even though no one said anything to me or treated me badly, deep inside, since I was born, I knew that there was something wrong in our family and it was me. I look back and see all of the things I have done to stop those feelings and am working on forgiving myself. I also know that, without malice, my family and extended family looked at me and saw what might have been for my parents if not for me. I picked up on knowing that I was shameful just by being in the room. I hope to use this study to forgive myself of everything I have tried to do over the years to live up to the shame.

Oh Susie, thank you for your post and yes we are in similar places. When I read your words “I was ashamed of being alive”, the tears began falling. That is a good sign of healing for me. You helped remove the isolation that the enemy imposed to do his dirty work. My circumstances are similar..parents had to get married at 16 and 18 but I was the fourth girl. My three sisters were born a year apart and then four years later I came along. I was supposed to be the long-awaited but last chance boy, by the name of Mark Allan. My mother was hospitalized for severe depression after I was born. I received race car sets, train sets, etc for Christmas. Now oddly enough I am very feminine but feel a deep shame at being so. I do have need to forgive myself for doing many things to “live up to the shame”…tears again :). The worst of which was marrying and staying married for 20 years to a man who physically, emotionally and spiritually (he was a pastor) abused me. I worked on trying to heal my marriage for 20 years only to be discarded as soon as I started recognizing my value as a person and Jesus’ bride. The divorce did set me back but now its NOT WHAT WAS, BUT WHAT CAN BE!!! There is so much healing in bringing our stories into the light. It is not good for (wo)man to be alone…thanks for being His cyber helper!

Hi Susie: I just wanted to comment on your post. To paraphrase what you said, you feel shame because you were not a planned pregnancy and you feel that your birth inhibited what your parents may have had had you not come along, but also that you were loved and raised in a good famliy. IFrom what you’re saying, I would have to guess that your parents wouldn’t change a thing about having you in their life. To give you a little perspecrtive of where I’m coming from, I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 20 years old and not married. My daughter’s father abandoned us and I’ve raised my daughter alone (who is now 27 years old.) From day one, that little baby was the apple of my dad’s eye and my grandmother always used to comment that my daughter was her “pride and joy” and her eyes just sparked whenever we would go over to visit. Now, I can’t say that life was always easy being a single parent, but I wouldn’t change it for a minute. If I’d have had my daughter at a different time in life, she wouldn’t be the person that she is. And that person is a beautiful 27 year old woman married to her high school sweetheart celebrating her sixth wedding anniversary and the wonderful mommy to my gorgeous grandchildren who are 3 and 4 months.

Thank you Joan, I appreciate your reply. It has taken 54 years but my mom is finally beginning to express she is glad I am here. My grandmother was adament that she have an abortion, and I am thankful that she stood up to her on that, but my grandmother (who was the head of our family) never did let it go. It was always the elephant in the room. I read something a couple of years ago in the book “Who I am in Christ” that brought joy to my soul, and gave me a new perspective of my birth. It said that I was not a surprise to God, I was born at the time He choose and He was in the delivery room to welcome His new child. For me, to know that my delivery was welcomed by anyone was amazing….but to realize that I was born just right and God was watching and happy changed my whole thought process!

I feel exactly as Holly does; I waiver. I think I’ve got this down and all of a sudden something happens and I’m angry again. It could have been as little as a thought about the person or things that happened, but the anger comes back all over again, then I feel as I’m at step one again. I understand peeling away layers, I guess I’m impatient, I want it to happen now.

What happens if we don’t ever have it “all down”? There will be other opportunities to forgive. You are not knocked back to step one when you feel anger. You are at the same step, hitting a new mountain with an old name, and an opportunity to climb over it, with God’s help. You recognize it for what it is. You don’t embrace it or love it. Those are HUGE steps forward. Celebrate every step, sis!

God is good, ALL THE TIME! You have really spoken to my heart and to my current circumstance. I am really struggling with the whole idea of forgiveness (being hurt by the one I love) and being willing to move past it to a place I know God wants me and my heart to be. The human side of me wants revenge (that may be too strong of a word), wants him to feel the pain in my heart. How do you get to that place of resolve between your heart and head and move ahead fully with your whole heart and begin to trust again? Holly is right, the repeat opening of old wounds and deeper cuts of new wounds hurts more than the initial one and the thought of forgiving seven time seventy seems an impossible task.

I am really looking forward to the next chapter of your book and this study. I am completely open to the Holy Spirit moving in my and stirring something inside me that feels dead and hopeless. Thanks for being a servant of God and allowing God to use you in such a strong, powerful way!

We start with surrender, which is next week’s theme. Surrender is a strong word that means you are no longer fighting a battle alone. It also means that you change day by day, week by week, year by year, and you keep growing. I look back to where I was as a new believer, or a young mom, and then I see where I am now which is whole, but there’s always more growth ahead. I love that about my Savior. It’s discovering what God has for you, and how even the hardest places and times and growth periods (that unlayering you were talking about) mean something in His hands.

Suzanne I just read your story and can’t believe how similar it is to my own story. My mother too was married at 16, due to being pregnant. Her husband, my dad was an abusive alcoholic. The marriage ended in divorce about 8 years later. By this time she had 3 kids and 1 miscarriage. Her last child was born handicapped. He was born with cerbre-palsey, down-syndrome and epilepsy-that he out grew and came back later as an adult. After the divorce my mother had dad’s visitation taken from him. So I did not grow up with my dad past the age of 7. I too had to seek God for many things and the biggest being forgiveness. During this time I learned how freeing forgiveness can truly be. All the glory for my healing goes to God.

Rejection is at the root of my “heart” issues. Every single instance that lingers from the past is hung on the line of rejection and that’s such a tough issue to get beyond. All of my life has been colored by the rejections. Rejection (as it sets on my heart) has formed most of my choices. I don’t let anyone close and I know I’m only stealing good from myself but the fear of yet another rejections looms. The past keeps popping up in my mind. I tell it to go away. It does for a while. Then it’s back. What to do…

This week it’s so key that we hold tight to those first words, “not what was, but what can be”. You are being so honest, and this is a great place to do that, Julie. As those thoughts of rejection hit, let’s replace them with the truth that God sees you, loves you, has a plan for his daughter.

Ephesians 1:15-23 Ever since I first heard of your strong faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for God’s people everywhere,[e] 16 I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, 17 asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom[f] and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. 18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.[g]

19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power 20 that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 21 Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. 22 God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. 23 And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.

I often fail at following through with these book studies…so many excuses. However, I know I am at a point where I need to learn to forgive those in my life that have harmed me, not physically, but emotionally. I often wonder if the rejection is something I have made up as I worry way too much about what others think of me. But it feels real, like this little child inside myself who 30-35 years later still feels broken. You may not see it from the outside but it is there and it festers, affecting my relationship with my spouse, my children, my family and friends. I have put the post-it on my computer at work NOT WHAT WAS, BUT WHAT CAN BE. I am an unfinished work. I need to find forgiveness in my heart for others but I need to first find a way to forgive myself.

I remember my earthly father saying, “I don’t even know if you are mine” right before he passed away. I could embrace those words as truth, from a broken man, or I could understand where those words come from and not embrace them as my identity. I wish he could have known God’s love for his entire life but I’m not big enough to make that change, or to make another person whole. What I can do is learn from his example. I can be the best mom I know how. I can love large. I can also understand that people can never be my needmeeter. Some fill me up. Some make me happy and joyfilled. But ultimately it’s not another person’s role, even if they are loving and kind and whole, to make us feel accepted. God accepts you, loves you, created you, knows you, meets you right where you are. My hope, Candy, for all of us is that we look to God to show us our worth.

I was the mom. I was already broken when I got pregnant and married the man who would father my 3 boys and severely abuse me for 10 years. { I was 14} When I escaped I never again got wrapped up in abusive relationships, not like that one any way. I drank a lot and did drugs. I became the bully kind of. with no trust, fear of every one except when I was loaded and a heart full of anger, hate, and bitterness I raised my 3 boys. All alone with no support from family. CPS was involved for a short time and even they did not give me the tools I needed. I love my boys so much. They are my life. We are very close and I have 3 grand kids. 2 girls. I started fallowing Christ in 2010 for them. The sins of the father kind of thing scared me. I am now strengthening my faith every day with the holy spirit in me. I am happy and just on fire for Jesus. My middle son is turning completely towards the Lord also to help him heal and be the best man and daddy GOD intended him to be. This bible study finds me in just the right time. Praise GOD right? I am also doing a 40 days of spiritual renewing. I have my own bible study plus the one year bible daily reading among other books I have been reading. I want to use my testimonial to reach out to other women, young girls who need to know GOD loves them and he and only he can heal them. Not another boyfriend, not a new drug or one more drink….THE LOVE OF CHRIST. Praise GOD for P31 also. you have all been great encouragement to me. May GOD bless this study and all who are involved in it more then we could ever hope for. AMEN! God bless the women still trapped, I pray for your safety and your freedom.

I love what God is doing in your life, Rosetta. When you share your story, it’s so honest, and yet you didn’t remain stuck in the cycle. I love what He’s doing in you and the hope I hear in your voice.

I too have a childhood “story”, which the older I get, I realize that it is sadly a norm, and it has been incredibily hard to overcome. But, in the area of forgiveness in which I am currently having the most trouble is being hurt by other Christians, especially leaders in the church, because I don’t expect it, or I expect more. I have thought many times to myself “arn’t we reading the same manual (Bible)?” Thanks for your honesty and transparency. So looking forward to reading and participating in this study.

I see this same hurt in Paul as he faces the religious who once called out his name in praise, and later wanted his life. The book of Romans was written while he was imprisoned, and it’s amazing the verses that he wrote, such as Romans 8:38, or Romans 5:3-4. He discovered that it was possible to be so filled up with God’s love, that even in persecution, people did not determine his depth of joy or his anchor, which was found in his relationship with Christ. Isn’t that incredible? So spiritually we fill up daily because we need it, even in our churches (or especially). On a practical level, we give grace to those who are a work-in-progress (human), speak truth with those who are friends (covered in grace), and if a church is truly toxic, then we pray to find a healthier church.

“My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define me or limit who I can be or how I can spiritually grow, with God’s help.” This truly spoke to me. I have been emotionally abused by the monster the military turned my ex husband into. I have bitterness and resentment built up inside of me. I want to deal with this, forgive and move on. I’m not sure how to or even if I can. I am so thankful that God put this Bible study in my path. You have given me hope that with Christ’s and your help, I can do it.

Father, thank you for Lana. Nothing is impossible with you (Luke 1:37). Today we pray that you will take her hope, which is to be free, and grow this small mustard seed of faith (Luke 17:6) into something larger. May resentment take it’s rightful place in her heart, thoughts, and life as new life pushes those emotions out of the space they’ve claimed as their own. Thank you for all the miracles that are around us daily. Thank you for Your presence. Thank you that You hear Lana’s heart, and claim it as Your own fertile ground to plant seeds of hope, of joy, of peace. In Your powerful name we pray, amen.

I am in awe of the sharing. I learned about forgiveness from Neil Anderson. When I am obedient, I forgive and do not harbor resentment. I have a few blogs on how forgiveness has impacted my life. Looking forward to the study. Blessings.

“My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define me or limit who I can be.” WOW! My journey of forgiveness is a journey that begins with myself. Past mistakes haunt me, a relationship that I was in for far too many years despite being brought up to know better, despite knowing that God wanted better for me. Forgiving myself for living in a way that was not pleasing to God or to my family. God has now given me a second chance, given me a man that loves and respects me and God but I still struggle with those feelings of “being good enough” despite my past mistakes. I am excited about this Bible Study and I look forward to learning more about what God says about forgiving others and forgiving myself. Thank you for doing this with us!

Forgiving myself is the hardest. I also feel so often I am not good enough due to past mistakes or the negative words of others that stick with me. Thank you for your post, if you did it then so can I. God bless.

Sandra, I understand where you are coming from, negative words from others and past mistakes have stuck with me too. I am trying to forgive myself and move on as well. I find it difficult and feel fragile. I pray and pray and I will pray for your too. May God Bless and keep you.

Sandra and Terri, There is a scripture in Matthew 6:8 that says that God knows what we need before we even ask. Jesus was sharing this truth with the disciples about prayer. Sometimes we try to use words to convey how we hurt, or how sorry we are, or how we wish things had worked out differently. Can I tell you something? He knows that. Rest in that knowledge. No more words are needed. Today you are women who believe in God, who profess to be His children, and whose mistakes — in His hands — will lead others out of a crowd of sick people as they see what God does in you. So, today is a day to stop trying to forgive yourselves (not your job) and embrace the forgiveness offered on the cross, as you begin to live on the other side of the cross. You’ve been forgiven. Stand. Look in the mirror of His love. Today is a new day. A fresh slate.

I’m scared, but I’m ready to try. I know I will feel exhausted at times, dealing with this. My excuse that’s already forming is “I don’t have the time” to feel exhausted. I’m too busy. What I need to remember is that carrying around the hurt and resentment is what is really exhausting! As a therapist once told me when I said I wasn’t sure I could live through remembering and recounting my childhood “No one has died in my office yet.” Well, I’m pretty sure no one has died sifting through their past and dealing with their memories in a Bible study either. I won’t be the first!

Yes, ma’am! As we prayed for Angel last night, I started weeping. This long road with her has brought a lot of opportunity–necessity–to forgive. It wasn’t until last night that another scale fell from my eyes and I realized I have some forgiveness work to do with her birth mother, the woman who I had to watch reject and ignore my little girl at visits for almost 2 years before rights were terminated. Am I ready to forgive her for each memory? I believe so. And it’s good to know that there’s a whole group of gals in this with me. I’m going to need it!

Laurie, you’re such a good mama. You have such a caring and loving heart. I’m thankful Angel has you, and that you are, with God’s help, working through the road to loving and praying for her birth mom. She’s God’s to fix, but your prayers and compassion are such a powerful vehicle, my friend. Love this post! Love you!

This is the first time I have heard your story and what a story it is. I had no idea you went through so much and I am sorry that you and your mom suffered through such abuse. You never know what other people’s lives are like and who you are touching when you have come through such unfair situation and devestating circumstances. There are so many people who have suffered from some kind of emotional, physical and spiritual abuse.Thank you for sharing your heart with others. Thank you for being a blessing to so many.

I’m so blessed, Joyce. Just this morning I held a beautiful grandbaby in my arms. Just yesterday I had lunch with a new friend. Just this weekend I got to see women fall in love with Jesus. My past is such a small part of who I am. God is such a huge part of who we become, and what we were intended to be all along.

Oh, my……….. this tugged at my heart strings and uplifiting! I related to soooo much of the feelings; maybe not the circumstances. I asked God to help me with forgiveness several years ago- it happened. I forgave myself and others in my life. It freed my heart; it help me heal; it let me get on with living! It wasn’t instant, but I remain open to hearing God speak through his words and others. Yes, I too know that it is not a one time thing- and I am working on it once again. But~ I know God can and will! (I might have to get this book.)

It’s not instant, Shannon. And even when we are whole, there are more opportunities to forgive. It’s not a one-time event. I do hope you get the book, wear it out, and then pass it on, or put it in an office, or a place where people might read it and see hope for themselves. I love that you took the time to share your own story and to comment.

Yes, Suzie, so ready for a new chapter. About 5 years ago I learned the true cause of the loss of a significant amount of my hearing. I had been hearing impaired as long as i could remember so i thought “born this way”, that’s how God made me and had reached peace with God in this. After a brain scan for another issue, i was told that my brain had recorded trauma on both sides of my frontal lobes and that the injury was consistent with my hearing loss and would explain why my speech was unaffected by the hearing loss. Turns out the loss was a result of a traumatic experience in early childhood. Based on the “it most likely would have been accompanied by concussion”, narrowed the incident to one of two days. One would be at hands of an out-of-control and angry father. The other would be inflicted by a stranger through a dangerous situation my mother put my sister and me in. Either way, the people who were supposed to love and protect and care caused (directly or indirectly) an until-eternity change in my life that has affected everything. I had dealt with so much other stuff from the past and then this came along. I guess I was shocked and angry and embarrassed and buried it because it is so sad to me. Fast forward to now, lately I really sense God’s personal help. This wasn’t His doing, and He did limit the damage in my case and i know He has a redemptive plan. I have received grace and I know I need to forgive them. Still part of me feels they need to know what I’m forgiving. The Lord knows I desire to “live as a forgiver” and He has me “hemmed in”. Yet, I know I have choice. I can see there’s a gift being offered, if I will cooperate/surrender. My New Year’s word for 2013 is/was freedom. Clearly, I have the freedom to choose and the alternative to forgiving is unwanted. He’s shown me it cannot work “my way”. He has shown His faithfulness and His love. He led me to this study for this time, so I’m trusting He will see this through for (my) good. New chapter? Yes, please…one of victory and healing would be great.

Subscribe to Updates

Success!

Find me on Social

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT

Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.