A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round theHead with a frying pan.'What was that for?' the man asked.The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny onit that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the nameof the horse I bet on'The wife apologized and went on with the housework.Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on thehead with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Marcus staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottlein each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Marcus sprung up, pulled down his pants, and lookedin the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began puttinga Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid thenow almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Marcus woke up with searing pain in both his head and buttand Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Marcus said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glassat the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for hisball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head,and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle fromthe cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! Whathappened?" the leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer replied.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddyawant?" asked the leprechaun.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do somethingfor him. I'll give him the three things I would want: a great golf game, all themoney he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a baddrive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas methat made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye,how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "I'm an internationally famousgolfer now." He added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

Monday, September 21, 2009

Note: This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's Ronnie Barker could say all this without a ~censored~, though God knows after how many takes.The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.The speed of delivery must have been too muchfor the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, butthe cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knockedon Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and letoff a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls anda hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Simpson was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Simpson down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Simpson came home with a very serious look on his face.He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Simpson was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Simpson brought home his report Card..

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Simpson got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns? Little Simpson looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Simpson looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

We beseech You, Oh Lord,to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost orpillaged and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.

Give us Divine Guidancein our selection of houses, cooks, maids, drivers and gardeners.We pray that the telephone works, the roof doesn't leak, the powercuts are few, and the rats and cockroaches fewer.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from weevils.Save us this day and our daily dread - of traffic jams.Lord, please lead us to good, inexpensive restaurants where wine isincluded in the meal - not dysentery.Have mercy on us, Lord, if it be the latter.Make us fleet on foot to make it on time, and strong in the knee incase we have to squat.

Give us wisdomto tip in currencies not yet understood, and help the natives loveus Lord, for what we are, and not for what we appear to be worth.

Grant us the strength to smile at our maids over shrunken laundryand broken treasures remembering our own mistakes in menialmatters.Give us Divine patience when we again explain OUR way of doing things.

Almighty Father,keep our husbands from comparing us to the foreign women, save themfrom making fools of themselves in night clubs, and please, Lord,do not forgive them their trespasses, for they know exactly whatthey do.

Forgive our expensive treats at Duty Free, for our flesh is weak.Dear God, protect us from bargains we do not need or cannot afford.And lastly, Lord,when our expat years are over, grant us the favor of findingfriends who will look at our photographs and listen to our storiesso that our lives as Expat Wives will not have been in vain.Amen

Monday, September 14, 2009

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, coldMonday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolishedbut amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man.That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God thatwe should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest ofour days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, thismust be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. SurelyGod wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.The man nods his head inagreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to thewoman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

UNIX is simple. But it just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

-Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

-Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

-Fred Brooks

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

-Bertrand Russell

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must bethe process of putting them in.

-Edsger DijkstraYou can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic;You cannot have both at the same time.

-Bertrand Meyer

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

-Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

-Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the developmenttime.The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of thedevelopment time.

-Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs.The Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots.So far the Universe is winning.

-AnonymousTheory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.Programmers combine Theory and Practice: Nothing works and they don'tknow why.

-Anonymous

The Six Phases of a Project:

* Enthusiasm* Disillusionment* Panic* Search for the Guilty* Punishment of the Innocent* Praise for non-participants

-Anonymous

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do itin front of a live audience,The probability of a flawless presentation isInversely proportional to the number of people watching,Raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss"What is the meaning of appraisal?"Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "

Trainee : " Yes, I do. "Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "

Appraisal

Resignation

In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.

In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.

In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !

During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.

During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.

There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.

There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.

Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do.When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking joint! When a lizard was left a little past, looked up and said: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" Koala said: "Smoking a joint, and have come up some." So little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a time a little lizard says his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink of water from the river. Lizard little was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over a little lizard and helped him in the arm. Then he asked the little lizard, "What is the matter with you?"

Lizard explained little crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got very stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink ..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the Koala was sitting finishing a joint. Crocodile looked and said:

'Hey you! "

So koala looked down at him and said: 'dude Shiit!!... How much water did you drink? "

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bar, when the door opened, and the most beautiful piece of the man she had never seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not watch.

The man noticed that he was under scrutiny and women with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.

Flushing, ready to apologize for watching, but he leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"I will do everything he whispered deep, soft voice." Everything, absolutely everything, everything, everything that you ever fancy, for fifty dollars. There is only one condition ... "

Trembling with expectations, the woman asked his state. The man says: "You must tell me what you want me to three words.

The women looked at his hypnotic eyes, considering a proposal, then reached into the bag and took out fifty dollars. She wrote her address on a napkin, folded around her money, and pressed his hand in anticipation. She leaned over and whispered in his ear ...