Handling Conflict in Marriage (or in general)

HANDLING CONFLICT: MARITAL ARTS OR MARTIAL ARTS?1. We are on the same side. We are a team. The goal is not for me to win. The goal is to solve the problem and to love you better.Ecclesiastes 4:9 & 10-Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!2. Your feelings matter to me even if they are very different from mine. I will not judge your feelings. I will try to understand them and I will try to help you understand mine.Matthew 7:1 & 2- “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”3. I will not shout, throw or slam anything.Ecclesiastes 7:9- Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.4. I will not be sarcastic, call you names or swear.Galatians 5:14 & 15- The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”5. I will never threaten or even hint at the possibility of divorce. We are in this together for life. If I need space to think, cool off or pray, I’ll ask for it.Malachi 2:16- “I hate divorce”, says the Lord God of Israel, and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment”, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your Spirit and do not break faith.6. I will not ascribe motives to your actions. I cannot read your mind and won’t try.1 Corinthians 2:11- For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.7. I will keep quiet when you talk and listen to everything you say.Proverbs 18:13- He who answers before listening-that is his folly and shame.8. I will stick with this discussion for as long as it takes. If we can’t finish right now, I will make a date in the very near future to pick it up again. I will not leave problems unresolved.Ecclesiastes 8:5& 6- Whoever obeys His command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.9. I will not give you the silent treatment. I will do my best to express my thoughts and feelings so you can understand. I will not clam up. I will not pout or manipulate through guilt.Ephesians 4:26 & 27- “In your anger, do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”10. I will ask for clarification when I don’t understand you. I will not jump to conclusions.James 1:19 & 20- My dear brothers, take note of this; everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.11. I will not throw old sins in your face.Proverbs 17:9-He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.Additional commentary: After a “mistake” has been dealt with, it should never be brought up again. Don’t use “you always”, or “never”. God forgets my past mistakes after I repent, it is the devil that keeps bringing them to my attention to use against me.12. I will apologize quickly if I break any of the above rules and I will try to do better as we go along.Matthew 6:12- Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.13. I will admit when I am wrong. I will say I’m sorry. I will ask for your forgiveness.Matthew 18:21 & 22- Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy seven times.”14. If the children overhear us, I will apologize to each of them and explain that married people argue even when they love each other very much. I will assure them that I love you and that our family is not in any danger whatsoever. I will never make you out to be a bad person.Romans 3:23-For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.Matthew 18:15- If our brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.15. If we can’t solve a problem on our own in a reasonable amount of time, I will agree to outside help.Proverbs 15:22- Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.