Date: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 12:44:06 -0700 (PDT)
From: Michael Bryan
Subject: JC and the Actor (Chapter 36)
JC and the Actor, Chapter 36, Copyright 2004
----------
The following story is entirely a work of fiction. It is not meant to
imply anything about the sexuality or the personal lives of the members of
NSYNC, or any other celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if it
is illegal to read sexually explicit gay material where you live, don't
read this.
Yes, the chapters are still coming! Sorry about the long delay. Hope
everyone is still reading. Please continue to send your comments to
mzbryan2003@yahoo.com. Now back to our story, already in progress.
----------
Chapter 36
"Nate," Allen said, gesturing from his chair. "This is the closet.
You're familiar with it, yes?"
"We're old friends," I said dryly, rolling my eyes.
"Good," he said. "Get reacquainted, will you?"
"Allen, that's not funny," I said, feeling the hairs on the back of
my neck stand up.
"This is about your career," Allen countered. "Don't destroy
everything that has happened in the past month just for a bit of inner
peace."
"I didn't say I was going to do anything," I shot back. "Jesus,
I'm just wondering how I'm supposed to deal with all of this."
"I can understand that," he said, folding his hands together. "I'm
just trying to warn you that despite recent events, the world still isn't a
very open place." He paused. "If you came out you would be limited in the
roles you could play, and that would inevitably make you much unhappier
than keeping your sexuality quiet."
"I'll never lie," I said sternly. "That would betray everything I
am as a person."
"I'm not saying 'lie,' I'm saying don't make it obvious. Keep a
mystery about yourself. People love that. Maybe in a few years after
you've won an Oscar and have had the chance to play Hamlet, but for now
just relax and enjoy the ride."
I shook my head, not wanting his words to make sense, but knowing
that they did. I leaned forward and tapped my index fingers on Allen's
desk. "I guess this is what Josh has been talking about," I said. I knew
that music was his life, and that few things would be worth damaging the
impact he could have on that world. I looked up at Allen. "I just wanted
this all to be fun," I said.
"It can be," he said. "Nate, you're certainly not the first gay
actor to make it big and you're certainly not the first to be bombarded
with questions about your social life. All these reporters, talk show
hosts and whatever...they're not important to you in the first place, so
don't worry about what you say to them."
"I'll try," I said, standing up and extending my hand to him. "If
you'll excuse me now I have to have two 300 pound bodyguards escort me back
to my house." I rolled my eyes again.
"This is the big time," Allen smiled, shaking my hand. "Remember,
I told you I could give you this to you and you said you wanted it."
"I remember," I said. "Let me know if any good offers roll in."
"Good luck tomorrow," he called as I exited his office. "And of
course on Saturday!"
----------
"You'll walk out this way," the production assistant said to me,
leading me out onto the stage at Radio City Music Hall. "You're going to
go to the podium stage right, and then you just have to read the
teleprompter and that should be that."
"Oh God," I laughed. "Do I have to say something really lame?"
"It's pretty lame," the PA said. "But that's what awards shows are
all about, no?"
"I guess," I said. I walked over to the podium and read the cheesy
dialogue written for me. I would be presenting the award for best dramatic
playwright at the Tonys. It was one of the tighter races with a lot of
veterans, but I of course hoped that Neil Howard, the author of my play,
would win.
Finishing my rehearsal, I went into the audience to watch one of
the musical numbers be performed. "Hey, Nathan," Hugh said as I sat down
next to him. "Looks like our movies will be going head to head this
summer."
"Don't remind me," I laughed. "I'm currently looking for
janitorial positions."
'The Edge' was opening Memorial Day weekend with X-Men Three opening the
following week. I was pretty confident that my film would open well, but
didn't know how it would compete with Hugh Jackman and the rest of his
X-Men friends.
"How do you feel about tomorrow night?" he asked quietly, leaning
over to me.
"I have no idea," I said, lifting my shoulders. "Being the
favorite somehow doesn't make me feel any better about it, you know?"
"There are quite a few seasoned and accomplished actors in your
category," Hugh said. "But I voted for you."
"Thanks," I sighed. "You're a real pal." I patted him on the
back. "So, what is this? Your third time hosting?"
"Yes," he laughed. "What can I say? Broadway loves me."
"I miss being on stage," I said, quite shocked by my own admission.
"If you really love the theater, Nathan, you have to be
extra-careful not to let Hollywood swallow you up."
"I'm practically afraid to leave my house," I confessed. "And the
friggin' movie hasn't even opened yet."
Through the end of April and most of May I had been on a non-stop
publicity blitz. Almost daily I was in another city, another state,
answering the same questions over and over again. Half of the time I
didn't even know the name of the hotel I was staying in. Arriving in New
York on the 15th, it finally dawned on me that life as I had known it had
changed forever. Almost being killed the month before was one thing; fans,
paparazzi and groupies were something completely different.
Nate Berkus had done a simply amazing job on my apartment. Walking
around the spacious penthouse, I couldn't really imagine a better space in
which to live. However, when first attempting to leave the building and
being greeted by a throng of flashing cameras and people holding vigil
outside, I figured I would probably be moving shortly.
"Josh, what the hell am I supposed to do about this?" I remembered
asking him on the phone last week. For the sake of appearances he had
taken a hotel on the West side.
"Why do you think my Florida house is in a gated community," he
answered. "It's tough to live in the city if you're a star. Especially in
the beginning."
"So now that I have fame, money and power, I'm expected to live the
rest of my life in this apartment? That doesn't seem fair."
"It won't always be like this," JC said. I had just been with him
at the airport, but already missed him. "You've seen how much more freedom
I had this year as compared to the old NSYNC days."
"Yeah, I know. I get it all. This caged animal feeling just
doesn't sit well with me. I'm sure I'll get used to it."
"Don't be afraid to use your bodyguards, Nate," JC said lightly but
seriously. "Don't decide that this isn't what is really happening."
"I didn't mind so much in LA. But this is my city, man. I've
lived here for the past ten years."
"Nate, call your guys and have them bring you over here. I think I
can make you feel better."
"I'm on my way," I remember smiling into the phone.
Uh, Nathan?"
"Oh, sorry Hugh, my mind wandered." I had to stop meaningfully
reflecting at inappropriate times.
"How are rehearsals going for Saturday Night Live?"
"Pretty well," I answered. "Should be fun. I haven't done much
comedy."
"It should be great. You've given them a lot of stuff to poke fun
at over the year." He started to laugh and I punched him in the shoulder.
"I'm a rehab trip away from being the next 'E! True Hollywood
Story,' aren't I?"
"Why do you keep getting into fights with that Justin kid?" he
continued to laugh.
"Because he irritates the hell out of me," I laughed back.
"And the media seems to think you are sleeping with that other
one," he said as though it was just another rumor. Hugh was not a close
friend of mine, so I was tentative about sharing the details of my personal
life with him. He knew that I was gay, but I didn't know if it was exactly
proper for me to out JC to Wolverine.
"The media thinks I'm sleeping with everyone," I laughed, fidgeting
in my seat. The number being performed on stage ended and I stood up,
telling Hugh that I had to get going. "Oh," I said remembering why I had
originally sat down next to him. "I'm having a party this Friday for my
27th, if you want to stop by. We've rented out the garden room at Tavern
on the Green."
"Sounds great, he said. I'll ask my wife."
"Cool," I said, turning on my heel and walking off to find my
bodyguards so that I could go home. Strange.
----------
"How did you get in here?" I asked JC, smiling, embracing him.
"My God," he laughed. "It wasn't easy."
"The place looks great, doesn't it?" I asked, starting to show him
around.
"Awesome," he said.
"I think I'm going to sell it."
"What?" he said with a shock.
"I can't do this," I said, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"Where are you going to go?" he laughed. "Those people downstairs
look like they're pretty willing to follow you anywhere at the moment."
"Why?" I said dramatically. "Why was I cursed with this face?" I
buried my head in his neck.
"Such a drama queen," he laughed, patting the back of my head.
"You're lucky you have that face though. I wouldn't exactly be dating you
if you didn't." My hand moved to his side and I pinched him hard.
"Oh," he laughed. "You want to play rough, huh?" He pinched me
back.
"Now you're just being immature," I said, before lightly stepping
on his foot.
"This isn't going to end until somebody dies, is it?" he smiled,
pushing me back against the wall.
"Or until somebody does something else," I said, pulling him
against me and kissing him hard.
----------
Having tested the craftsmanship of my new bed, Josh rolled himself
over so the he was on his side, facing me. He draped his left leg over
mine, pulling me closer to him and kissing me lightly.
"Confinement seems to agree with you," he smiled, tousling my hair.
"How were your guys' rehearsals for Saturday," I asked him. NSYNC
was to be the musical guest when I hosted Saturday Night Live.
"They went good, aside from the usual sound problems. Oh, and
Justin actually wanted to do 'Gone' for our second song. My eyes widened
and I knew JC could immediately see the anger in my face. "I said no," JC
said quickly and I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Your days of singing back up are over," I said, settling back down
on the bed.
"I know," he said. "But thanks for looking out for my career."
"Well, I wouldn't have a career, or anything else for that matter
if it wasn't for you," I said, referring to JC's latest rescue maneuver.
"True," he said, nodding his head with mock seriousness. "Oh," he
continued. "Lance talked to his lawyers, and it looks like they are going
to be able to keep your guys' names out of the press. I think he said it
was going to be a closed trial and that you two would be able to testify in
writing."
"Thank God," I sighed, feeling my body relax a bit more. It was
interesting to think about how every little source of stress could find its
way to some part of your body.
"I talked to Elaine today," I added. "She said Kevin is doing well
and that she thinks they may all try to be a family again."
"I'm glad to hear that," JC said. "That would be nice for
Madeline."
"I liked that baby," I said, smiling a little. "Too bad her
parents are nuts." I looked into JC's eyes, a thought suddenly running
through my head. "Josh, I almost forgot, what was that envelope you gave
to Elaine when we were in the hospital?"
"Oh, nothing," he said, blushing a little and looking down at the
sheets.
"Come on, tell me. Please?" I tried to make myself look as
innocent as a puppy dog.
"Well, just after everything that happened and all, I just felt
like I needed to do something really nice for her." He stopped looking at
the sheets and looked back at me. "So I gave her a trust for Madeline's
college."
My eyes widened a bit and I propped myself up on my elbow. "Josh,
that's, I mean, that's so generous. He shrugged his wide shoulders,
telling me that he thought it was the least he could do.
Over the past month I began to notice yet another slight change in
JC's character. After all that we had been through, he actually seemed to
be lightening up. Perhaps I had made his life so crazy that he had
actually gone crazy himself, but whatever the reason, we really started to
have a lot more fun. I think we had finally stopped doubting our abilities
as a couple. I think he finally knew that he was the only person I was
interested in, and I began to feel a lot less pressure from him to become
some sort of a gay super-couple.
We criss-crossed the United States several times with little
complaints and much enthusiasm. Despite being aggravated by the countless
interviews, I knew that I had entered a club that so few got to join, and I
found myself able to appreciate it. It was only when I realized that I was
attaining a "teen idol" status that I began to question everything that was
happening. "Aren't I too old for this?" I had asked JC once, standing in
front of a newsstand, staring at my picture on the cover of some teeny
magazine.
"You're asking the wrong person," he laughed, pointing to a picture
of him with NSYNC on the cover of the magazine next to mine.
Only last week had it become clear to me that it was no longer safe
for me to walk around by myself. It was so strange to have this popularity
without even having a movie out, but my talk show appearances really seemed
to be getting people excited. People now knew where I lived, and it wasn't
a great feeling.
JC turned away from me, reaching over to the nightstand where a
pile of magazines were stacked. Stretching his hand to the limit, he
retrieved them and put them between us in the bed. "Self-obsessed much?"
he smiled, sifting through the magazines, all featuring me on the cover.
"Please," I laughed. "As if I didn't notice that shrine you built
to yourself in your house."
"Whoa," he said, pulling out my 'Details' cover. "When did we pose
for this?"
"You think I went straight from the set to home every day when we
were in LA?" I took the magazine from him and looked at it. I was
practically naked but, along with Allen and my publicist, had decided that
it was a good career move. It was well known that I appeared nude in my
last play (one could easily see me in all my glory just by checking the
internet), so playing up that fact seemed to help promote my image as a
fearless actor who was quite comfortable literally in just his own skin.
"The funny thing is," I continued, "they claim this magazine is for
straight men."
"Yeah," JC laughed. "Straight men who just happen to sleep with
men. Remember Justin's photos?"
"Oh, was he on the cover?" I asked, trying to sound sincere that I
didn't know that.
"You guys are going to have to kiss and make up at some point," JC
said.
"That won't be happening anytime soon," I said. I took a deep
breath. "Especially after he hears what they have planned for my opening
monologue on Saturday." I looked up into his piercing blue eyes and
watched them darken with interest."
"What does that mean?" JC asked, swallowing.
"Don't get mad," I said. I began to explain to him what the writers had
suggested. They wanted to address all of the various rumors surrounding me
and my relationship with the various members of NSYNC. I knew that Justin
would protest, but also new that he probably would like the extra
publicity. As for JC's reaction, well, I hadn't expected that.
"Are you fucking serious?" he shouted, climbing out of the bed. He
was naked, his muscles tight, his long soft cock shifting loosely between
his legs. I wanted to tell him that it would be easier to argue with him
if he had his pants on, but decided against it.
"Josh, what's the big deal?" I asked.
"Nate, it would make a mockery of our entire relationship. People
would think that what we have is just some joke."
"Wait a minute," I said, sitting up. "I thought that you and I
both agreed that it was in both of our interests to not let people figure
out that we were a couple? I mean, for God's sake, it was more important
to you than it was to me. You're not even coming to the Tonys with me."
"But this is different," he said.
"Oh yeah," I sighed. "It's a lot different than you talking all
the time about the 'normal' dream girl you are looking for." JC glared at
me, running his fingers through his now shorter hair.
"I've hardly said that since I've been with you," he said. "And
I've only done that when I feel cornered. What am I supposed to say?"
"Exactly. How do you think I am feeling? Don't you see I'm in the
same position?" He was pacing now, but I could see that he realized that I
was in the same situation. We were arguing the same point, but in
different ways. JC stopped and turned to look at me. "You know it will be
great publicity," I added. "Everyone will be talking about it for weeks,
and everyone will finally get off of our backs."
"I know you're right," he said. "I guess we should do it. Good
luck convincing Justin though." He stepped back over to the side of the
bed. "It's just that, when I kiss you," he continued. "I just wish
everyone could know how real it is."
"We don't need other people to validate our lives," I said. It was
an odd sentiment coming from an actor and directed toward a singer. In
reality, we needed people to like us more than we needed water. "Now come
back to bed and just be happy that one of the 50 most beautiful people
wants to kiss you." He stood there for a moment, pretending to pout until
his frown lifted and he hopped back into the bed, rolling himself on top of
me and kissing me firmly.
"Josh," I laughed, feeling him begin to harden on top of me. "So
soon?"
"We have to be quick," he said, rubbing himself against me. "You
need sleep so you can look your best tomorrow." My hands slid across his
ass, feeling it tighten under my grip. I was getting hard to and I could
feel our cocks start to rub up against each other. Before I knew it we
were working ourselves into a deep rhythm, totally intoned with each
other's bodies. Everything about JC was tight. His arms, his back, his
stomach and chest. My hands roamed all over him, feeling his smooth skin.
I reached up and kissed his face, kissed his broad shoulders.
I could feel the wetness on my stomach, as our cocks began moving
faster and faster. Looking down I could see JC's sizeable erection
reaching up past my naval, its juices soaking the tiny hairs on my stomach.
My own cock looked red and engorged, albeit smaller by comparison.
JC's arms reached under my own, and he cupped my shoulders as he
began to hump himself against me faster and faster. My hand slid in
between his ass cheeks and my index finger slid up against his hole, still
slick and open from earlier. "Oh," he said, maybe a bit surprised upon
feeling my finger enter him. "You want it dirty, huh?"
"Sorry," I said, pulling out of him.
"What are you apologizing for?" he smiled. "Be as dirty as you
want." Both my hands returned to his ass and I began to slide both of my
index fingers into him, listening to his sighs of delight. I used my
fingers gently but firmly, savoring the feeling of his warmth and
smoothness. After a particularly loud grunt, he took his right hand and
brought it up to my face, teasing my lips with his index finger. I opened
my mouth and started sucking on his finger, wishing it was his cock, but
enjoying it all the same. JC smiled mischievously, withdrawing his finger
and bringing his hand back down and underneath me. I lifted my hips
slightly and felt his finger start to push against my hole, teasing the
tight ring before firmly entering.
"Oh yeah," I gushed, always enjoying boldness on JC's part and
quickening the movement of my hips and my fingers. "Feels so good, Josh."
"Same here," he smiled, his eyes twinkling as he resumed kissing my
lips. We continued this way for longer than I expected, enjoying all of
the sensations, our bodies, our cocks, our asses. It went without saying
that JC was the greatest lover I had ever had, but it was the level of
intimacy that we felt for each other that made the experience top any other
feeling I had ever had.
We came hard, cum spurting all over my torso, its final resting
place determined by JC's tight stomach sliding it all around. Lying
together afterward, I felt euphoric and happy. Tomorrow I stood the chance
of winning a Tony award, but at the moment the idea of that merely felt
like the icing on an already delicious cake.
----------
"So tell me, who are you wearing?" Joan Rivers asked.
"This is Valentino."
"Beautiful," she said. "Really. Now, who is this with you?"
"This is my brother, Edward." I put my arm around him and brought
him in closer to me so that the cameras could see him. Joan reached out
and shook his hand.
"Ralph Lauren," Edward, laughed, pointing to his suit. I could
tell he was having the time of his life.
"What a beautiful family," Joan said, turning back to me. "Is the
whole family pretty or is there one ugly one that none of you talk to?"
Edward and I both laughed. "Um," I began. "There's definitely a
few we don't talk to, but I don't know if that's because of their looks."
"Nathan," Joan continued. "You've received unbelievable reviews
for your play, and I saw an advanced screening of your film, and your
absolutely brilliant in it."
"Thank you," I interrupted.
"Has this just been the best year of your life or do you think it can get
better?" she asked.
"Hmm," I said, actually trying to think of an answer. "It's really
been an incredible experience. It's actually almost exactly a year since
we opened on Broadway so it's pretty weird to think of everything that has
happened." My publicist was urging me down the carpet, so I had to say
good-bye and slowly make my way into the theater.
Settling down into my seat, Edward turned to me. "Are you
nervous?" he asked.
"Honestly?" I asked. "Yes. I feel like an idiot."
"I just can't believe this has all happened," Edward continued. "I
mean, I knew you were a great actor, but suddenly it's all red carpets and
awards shows."
"And don't forget about 'Saturday Night Live'," I added with a
laugh. It had been difficult to talk to Edward a lot with all that had
been going on, but I was happy to see that his "deer in the headlights"
quality had dipped significantly. "How are you doing with everything?" I
asked him. "Have you been wanting to talk to me about anything?"
"Well," he began, "now that you mention it, I was kind of hoping
you could recommend a good lube."
My jaw dropped and I adopted a "deer in the headlights" quality
myself.
"I'm just kidding," he said quickly, rubbing his hand down my arm.
"I was just trying to get your mind off the award."
"I can't take many more shocks," I said, bringing my hand to my
face. I hadn't told Edward or anyone for that matter anything about what
had happened in LA, and probably wouldn't. "Oh," I whispered after getting
my bearings. "Just because you might be comfortable with the whole
sexuality thing, don't think you're allowed to have sex any time soon." I
looked at him, totally serious.
"Of course not," he said. "I'm sure I'll be celibate for the next
ten years." I kept staring at him. "At least," he added, turning back to
face the stage. "Will Josh be coming to the after-party?" Edward asked
after a few minutes.
"Yeah," I said. "The whole group, probably"
"You mean, like, Justin?" Edward asked. He wasn't looking at me,
but I could see that he was biting his lip.
"You little slut," I said, smiling and shaking my head side to
side.
"Someone call my name?" Maggie laughed, coming into the aisle, an
extremely handsome man behind her. She sat down next to me, her escort
sitting on the other side of her. "I know you are going to win," she said,
"but do you think I will?" The lights began to dim, and I felt my stomach
flip. "What do you think of my date?" Maggie whispered into my ear.
"I think his ass is the only reason that movie did so well," I
whispered back.
"I'm dumping him tomorrow," she said. "He looks nice in a tux,
yes?" I raised an eyebrow and looked to the stage as Hugh Jackman walked
out onto it. The crowd applauded and the show began. Award after award,
performance after performance. The best actress in a drama category
finally rolled around and I felt Maggie stiffen in her seat as the list of
nominees was read. She didn't win, and I felt quite bad having to watch
her smile politely for the camera as another actress took the stage. "It's
ok," she said, noticing the look of horror on my face. She smiled again.
"You deserved it," I said, almost getting aggravated thinking about
how good she was in the play. "The winner has to be at least 900 years
old." The show went to commercial and a PA ran over to me, telling me that
I had to get backstage to get ready to present the writing award. A seat
filler was put in my place as I was rushed backstage, still fuming. After
yet another musical performance, Hugh came back onstage to introduce me.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he stated. Something told me he was going
to ad-lib. "Presenting the award for outstanding achievement in dramatic
writing, the best abs on Broadway, Mr. Nathaniel Murray!" I could hear the
crowd laughing and cheering as I walked onto the stage, casting a sly grin
at Hugh as I walked toward the podium. Looking out to see a large audience
was certainly nothing new to me, but it was strange knowing for the first
time that everyone there knew who I was, regardless of whether they had
ever seen me in a play. I read my cheesy dialogue, announced the nominees,
and pulled open the envelope. I smiled, looking out into the audience.
"And the award goes to Neil Howard." It was a big win for my play,
and it was a great pleasure to hand deliver the award to Neil. He accepted
it graciously, talking about what a wonderful group of actors brought his
words to life. We walked off stage and I embraced him for a second time,
telling him how thrilled I was for him. He was rushed to the pressroom,
and I strolled around backstage, knowing that I would have to wait for the
next commercial break before I could go back to my seat.
From onstage I could hear that it was time to honor the people in
the theater community had passed away in the past year. I immediately
though of Liz, and wondered if this was somehow going to turn out to be one
of the more upsetting evenings I had ever spent. I found a monitor
backstage, and watched the montage of actors, writers, directors and others
stream by. Liz's face floated across the screen and almost immediately I
could feel the tears moving down my face. It all came back to me. That
night. Rushing back, hoping to save her. Watching her jump. It was
easily the worst thing I had ever seen, and served as a reminder of just
how much had happened in the past year. I remembered JC rushing onto the
stage, finding me. I remembered the comfort he was able to give me, even
though I hardly knew him. I guess that's when I knew what kind of
character he had, even though I was too afraid to admit it. I wiped my
face as the theater lights dimmed. They quickly came back on and I was
soon back in my seat, still a bit shaken up. Maggie knew what was wrong,
and rubbed her hand up and down my back.
"I felt a bit like Forrest Gump this year," I said. "Only
everything I touched turned to shit."
"Don't say that," Maggie said sternly. "You've faced huge
obstacles this year, and you overcame them all."
"But I created them too," I said, feeling like I was suddenly
having some sort of break down. "Maybe if I wasn't always so self-absorbed
I would have gotten to her sooner. Maybe I could have done more."
"Natty, stop it," Maggie said. "You can't blame yourself. There
was nothing you could do. And as for you creating your own obstacles,
well, Natty, you're human." She turned my face so that I was facing her.
"And I can honestly say you're the best person I know." My eyes were
welling up again, though I no longer knew what emotion I was feeling.
"I feel the same way," Edward said, sitting on my right, putting
his hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at him. "I don't even know
where or who I would be today if it wasn't for you." I was sitting between
two people who absolutely loved me, and I knew that they weren't the only
ones. There were my parents. There was Josh, Morris, Erin and many
others.
"Thank you." I said. "Thank you both." I took a deep breath.
"It's just been a really rough year, and I guess just letting go of it all
is kind of tough."
"Well, you have about 10 seconds before we are back on the air,"
Maggie said, wiping my face with her hand. I could only imagine what the
people around me were thinking. "And I think your category is next."
A chill ran up my spine as I turned back to the stage. Why did we
have these award shows in the first place? Couldn't they just say, "you
were all great, have a nice night?" Last year's best actress winner walked
out and began to announce the nominees for best actor in a dramatic play.
I gave the requisite smile as I heard my name in the list of nominees,
feeling Maggie grab my hand tightly. I knew that I wasn't sick, but I felt
like I had a raging fever. "Here we go," I thought. "It doesn't matter,
it doesn't matter." I was repeating the words in my head like a mantra.
"And the Tony goes to..." The actress opened the envelope, smiled,
and closed it. I was about ready to pass out. Everything suddenly felt so
quiet. "The Tony goes to..." she continued again. "Nathaniel Murray."
The crowd began to roar and everyone around me was on their feet,
practically pulling me up to join them. I embraced Maggie so tightly that
I thought I might break her, then turned and did the same to Edward. "It's
yours," Maggie laughed, tears of joy coming down her face. "Go get it." I
made my way onto the stage, still in a daze. I understood that I had just
won perhaps the greatest acting award one could receive, but wasn't quite
sure what I was supposed to do about it. With everything that had been
going on, it didn't even dawn on me to write a speech.
I was handed the award and turned to face the crowd. People were
still on their feet and I was struggling to remember whether they had done
that for all the winners. It suddenly got very quiet again, and I realized
that it was time to start talking.
"Wow, I uh, well, wow." I didn't know what else to say and the
audience started to laugh. There was so much to say, really, but so little
of it could I say. I couldn't thank the most important person in my life,
which made it seem all the more silly to start listing name after name of
people who made this performance possible. I mean, first of all, I was the
actor who played it. I made it possible. For as much as I wanted to savor
this moment, I also saw this as an end to a rather tumultuous chapter in my
life. True, my career was really just beginning, but now that I had the
award, I really felt like it would be best to put this all behind me and
move forward. I was an actor. A working actor, and it was time to start
looking for the next role. I looked out into the audience, recognizing
many of the faces. They all knew this was my moment. They were all
waiting to see what I would do. I took a deep breath and gently spoke into
the microphone. "From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all." I smiled
graciously and turned to walk off the stage. The music started to play and
the audience began to applaud. It was done. It was my moment. It would
be the acceptance speech that everyone would be talking about tomorrow.
----------
"Are you going to bring him to bed with us?"
"I'd like to," I sighed, placing the Tony down on the coffee table.
It was nearly five in the morning, almost time to get up, not the time to
just be getting ready for bed.
"Those theater cats sure know how to throw a good party," JC said,
pulling off his tie and starting to unbutton his shirt. I sat down on the
floor next to the award, my shoes off, my shirt already untucked.
"It was a good night," I said. I felt drunk, though I actually had
little to drink. I guess the feeling was more one of euphoria. It was a
heightened level of relaxation. Knowing that I was loved, knowing that I
was respected, knowing that the world was at my feet. I felt JC sit down
next to me, though I couldn't take my eyes away from the shining statuette.
"You're thinking about what hot shit you are, aren't you?" JC
teased, leaning over and kissing my cheek, ruffling my hair a bit with his
hand.
"I wish you could have been there," I said.
"Me too," he said. "Maybe someday."
"We're too hot for our own good," I laughed.
"We work in a really tough business," JC said. "We don't have as
much freedom as people think we do."
"But it's worth it, right?" I asked him, looking into his eyes,
totally serious.
"Can you imagine doing anything else with your life?" JC asked.
"No."
"Me neither." He leaned over and kissed me. "It's worth it." I
patted his knee with my hand and stood up, headed for the bedroom.
"Nate," JC called. I turned to look at him, immediately noticing
what a beautiful photograph the scene in front of me would make. The
beautiful apartment, cast in moody shades of dark tones. The shimmer of
the Tony on the coffee table. JC sitting by it, his well structured face
beaming, his shirt open. I raised my eyebrows, awaiting what he was about
to say. "For what it's worth," he began, "I thank God every day that I
went to see a play a year ago this week." He smiled, looking almost a
little embarrassed by his admission.
"That's worth everything," I said, gesturing for him to follow me
into the bedroom.
----------
"So, tomorrow is your anniversary," Maggie said, sliding down into
her seat.
"Um, well, it's a year ago tomorrow that we first met."
"And first...." she winked.
"Maggie," I blushed. "Where are your manners?" She took another
sip of her champagne, and looked out of the large windows to the
restaurant, which offered a spectacular nighttime view of Central Park.
"I love this city," she sighed.
"Me too," I said.
"Could you ever imagine living anywhere else?"
"Well..." Maggie turned back to me, her eyes widening.
"Well?" she repeated. "You actually think you may not always live
here? Since when? When did this happen?"
"Maggie, relax," I said, placing my glass on the table. "I'm just
saying I don't know. I don't what is in store for me, but I need to be
more flexible. I can't always have everything the way I want it."
"Bullshit," Maggie laughed. "You'll always make sure things are
the way you want them to be. What? Did that Tony turn you into a
different person?"
"Not Tony," I said. "JC."
"Aw, that's pretty sweet," Maggie confessed. "Not true, but still
very sweet." It was true that I did want to be more flexible, but it was
also true that I didn't really know if I was capable of it. Luckily, JC
did seem to be the flexible one. Maybe the combination would always work
itself out.
Looking across the restaurant, I was quite surprised to see how
many friends I had amounted in the past year. Despite still not knowing
most of them that well, my regular B+ crowd had certainly shifted into the
A- range seemingly overnight.
"Do you know that Allen actually told me that spending so much time
with JC was probably going to hurt my reputation?"
"About a hundred times," Maggie said, rolling her eyes. "Musicians
are not taken as seriously as other artists, especially pop stars." She
was reciting the lecture Allen had given me. "You should be hanging out
with important actors, people that are well known and respected."
"I couldn't even bring myself to tell Josh about the conversation,"
I told her. "It just sounds so insulting." I looked out into the crowd to
see him laughing and talking with Justin and Chris. "It's not fair if
people judge him because of what he does," I said. "I mean, Jesus, the guy
has made more money than most of the people in this room, and he's only
twenty-eight."
"You don't have to convince me," Maggie said. "I think he's great.
Who cares what anyone else thinks?"
"Exactly," I said, sipping my drink.
"Don't be surprised though if half of this crowd starts thinking of
him as your boy-toy. You're the one that they're going to think is
brilliant."
"Well fuck them all," I said, finishing off my drink and standing
up. I walked over to join JC and the others, stopping a few times to pause
for photographs with people. "What are you guys laughing at?" I asked JC,
patting him on the back. Chris began to recount some story that I assumed
would have been funnier had I known the people he was talking about. I
laughed when I realized he was finished, and no one seemed the wiser.
"Having fun?" I asked JC, pulling him a bit away from the crowd.
"It's a great party, Nate," he said. "Happy birthday."
"Thanks hun," I said.
"A little different from last year's I assume," he said, raising
his eyebrows.
"Oh, that's right," I said, remembering once again how wild this
week of my life was last year. It was on my birthday last year, the night
before opening on Broadway, that my last boyfriend, Mark, had broken up
with me. Now I was having a birthday party the night before hosting
'Saturday Night Live.' I wondered if this week of May would always be
particularly hectic.
"I'm still going to be here tomorrow," JC assured me, making me
smile again. Why everyone wasn't in love with this guy, I would never
know. "Let's get another drink." We walked over to the bar, and were
quickly handed two new glasses.
"So what do you have planned for next year," JC asked.
"World domination, of course," I laughed. "How about you?"
"I'm not sure, thinking about making another album maybe."
"You mean a solo one?" JC nodded.
"Get another record company," I said.
"I don't care about that stuff," JC said. "I just like making the
music. It's not like I need the money."
"No, I guess not," I said. Maybe it was just me who really wanted
to see JC become a powerful solo artist. Maybe it was largely because I
knew it would piss Justin off. "Justin sure was pissed today at
rehearsals," I laughed, now that I was thinking about him.
"He'll never show it on camera," JC said. "He knows it will be
funny."
"Should be interesting," I smirked.
----------
"Where are we?" I laughed, stumbling into the room. I had
apparently made up for not drinking the night of the Tonys by getting
totally smashed at my birthday party.
"You said you wanted to come back to my hotel," JC said, helping to
steady me.
"Why am I so drunk?" I asked. "Did I drink so much?"
"I didn't see you eat at all today," JC reminded me. "Did you even
have a piece of your birthday cake?"
"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. JC was holding me close
to him, and I wrapped my arms around him as well. "Well, now that we are
here, what should we do?" I smiled.
"Not sure," JC said. "I don't want to take advantage of you."
"Oh, but you can," I said, bringing my lips to his. "I give you my
full permission."
"Let's just get you into bed," JC said.
"Now we're talking, " I said, pressing myself up against him and
looking into his eyes. "Have I ever told you how fucking hot you are?"
"You've mentioned it," he smiled, rolling his eyes.
"Have I ever told there isn't one part of you that doesn't make me
hard as a rock?" I took his hand and placed it between my legs.
"You're a real sweet talker tonight," JC said, pulling his hand
away and trying to lead me toward the bedroom. I sat down at the foot of
the bed and started to fumble with the buttons on my shirt.
"You need some help?" JC asked, pulling his own shirt off, exposing
his well-toned chest.
"Yes please," I said as he stepped in front of me. Before he could
bend down to help me I pressed my face into his crotch, feeling his cock
bunched up behind his pants. He politely moved away from me, then knelt
down and started to unbutton my shirt.
"How come you never let anyone see you with your shirt off?" I
asked him, marveling at his noticeably wide shoulders.
"Got to keep 'em wanting more, no?"
"Maybe I should have tried that approach," I sighed, feeling my
shirt come off and falling back onto the bed. "The whole world knows what
my cock looks like now."
"How many topics do you plan on covering tonight?" JC said. He
unbuttoned my pants and pulled them off as I made my way under the covers.
He switched off the light, and soon thereafter slid into the bed next to
me. I rolled over on top of him, pressing my lips hard against his.
"Can we fuck now?" I smiled, biting his lower lip. JC looked up
over his head, sighing slightly before coming back to face me.
"Oh, I suppose so," he said, his arms reaching around my back.
----------
I was standing behind the doors to the stage, thinking how funny it
was to know what the other side of them looked like. I heard the announcer
saying that NSYNC was the musical guest, which meant that it was almost
time.
"And your host," I heard him say. "Nathaniel Murray. Ladies and
gentlemen, Nathaniel Murray." The doors opened and I walked out onto the
stage to the happy cheers of the audience. It was a pretty surreal
experience, one of those things that most people probably wished they could
do, even if they weren't an actor or an entertainer. "All I need is a
Barbara Walters interview and I'm set," I thought to myself as I found my
mark. The cheers whined down and I began my monologue, thinking that this
experience was much more fun than accepting an award. I was more in my
element here. I was acting.
"Thank you, thank you so much," I began, laughing a bit and waving
to a few people I recognized in the audience. "It's great to be here
hosting the season finale of 'Saturday Night Live.' Now while you probably
haven't seen my movie, 'The Edge' yet since, well, it opens next week, you
may recognize me from earlier in the week when I won the Tony Award." I
smiled brilliantly and the audience applauded again. "Thank you, thank
you," I smiled. "Yes, I'm very humble," I laughed. "Ok, so you may also
have heard a lot of rumors about me and different musicians, mainly
tonight's musical guest, NSYNC." The audience laughed again. "People have
been saying all sorts of things like 'I got into a fight with Justin in a
bar, that Lance and I bought a house on Fire Island together. Anyway, what
I would like to make clear tonight is that we are all just really good
friends. We share a mutual respect for each other as artists and that's
pretty much it."
Justin walked onto the stage, and the audience went a little crazy.
"Hey Nate," he said, shaking my hand. JC was right. He was doing it like
a pro.
"Hey Justin, how is it going?"
"Good, man, just wanted to wish you good luck with hosting
tonight."
"Aw, thanks, I really appreciate that." I turned back to the
audience. "You see, we're best buddies." I put my arm around him and gave
him a quick hug.
"Yeah," Justin said, as he started to look straight into my eyes.
"Real good friends." He leaned forward and started to kiss me, bringing
his hands to either side of my face. The audience began to roar, and I
pulled away politely, pretending to be embarrassed that he had just made
public our very private relationship.
"Um, you should probably go," I said, sounding very flustered.
"Yeah, uh, good idea," he said shyly, quickly hurrying off the
stage. There was more applause until Joey came onto the stage and we
basically did the same thing. One by one I made out with each member of
NSYNC, the idea being that we were all involved in some kind of
polyamourous relationship. Each one of them did something funny before
making their exit, Lance's probably being the funniest when he decided to
slap me on the ass before leaving. JC came out last, and I was happy to
hear the crowd get slightly louder than they had been with the others, with
the exception of Justin of course.
"Hi, JC," I sighed, sounding annoyed, like I knew what was about to
happen.
"Hey there, Nate," he said, looking around the stage, his hands in
his pockets.
"Um, is there something you wanted to say?" I asked, after a few
moments.
"Hmm, no," he said, continuing to just stand there. The crowd was
already laughing and I was impressed to see what good comic timing he had.
I knew that he had at one point thought of becoming an actor, and realized
he would probably be a good one.
"Ok, then, well, I should probably finish up this monologue so we
can get on with the show."
"Oh, yeah, ok," he said nodding in agreement. "I'll, uh, I'll see
you later then." He turned to walk off the stage and I turned back to the
audience and started to talk. I said a few words before JC came running
back onto the stage and leapt into my arms, his legs wrapping around me.
The audience went nuts and I pretended to be shocked as I slowly got him
off of me.
"Sorry, sorry," he said, shaking his head and then running off the
stage. There was lots of laughter and applause and over all the clapping I
said, "You see? We're all just really good friends." I laughed a bit
more. "We have a great show for you tonight. NSYNC is here," I laughed,
gesturing toward the direction they had gone. "So stick around, we'll be
right back."
We went to commercial and I ran backstage to get ready for the
first skit. Everyone backstage was laughing hysterically, but basking in
the moment was not possible given the speed with which the cast had to get
ready for each skit. I gave JC a quick wink as I ran past.
The show went off without a hitch. I had made sure to memorize all
of my lines so that my delivery would seem professional, yet effortless.
The guys did a great job performing and I was surprised with how thrilling
I found it simply introducing them. Whenever I watched JC perform, I
always had trouble believing I was really with him. My embarrassing crush
from years ago made it difficult to reconcile the performer on stage with
the man in my bed. Whatever anybody else might think of him, whatever the
press might say or the snooty Hollywood set, I knew he was simply
wonderful.
The show ended and another season of 'Saturday Night Live' was in
the can. Later at the cast party at Suede, JC waded through the crowd to
catch up to me. "You were so right about the opening," he beamed.
"Everyone is talking about it." It never occurred to me that I might have
my finger on the pulse of popular culture, but I was willing to believe
that I had yet another talent. I gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the
cheek.
"In some weird way, this will probably let us lead our lives more
privately," I said.
"That reminds me," JC said. "I never got the chance to give you
your birthday present."
I laughed a little bit. "Uh, yeah, I guess I was kind of in rare
form last night."
"Let's go somewhere private," he said, gesturing toward the back of
the club.
"Josh," I laughed. "We did it in a bathroom exactly a year ago
today. Don't tell me you want to make a tradition out of it?" JC shook
his head, telling me just to follow him.
Sure enough, we ended up in the V.I.P. bathroom, JC making sure the
door was locked before turning to face me. I was really curious to find
out what he was up to and watched him start to fish around in his pockets.
He pulled out a key ring and handed it to me. A rather nondescript key was
on it and I looked up at him for some more explanation. He was smiling
now, knowing that I had no idea what he was doing. His hand went back into
his pocket and he withdrew an envelope and handed that to me as well. I
arched an eyebrow, taking the envelope and finding two airline tickets to
Miami inside. The departure time was in a few hours.
"Josh, what is this? Are we going on vacation?"
"Not exactly," he said. "I know you have to be back here in a
couple days to get ready for the premiere, but I just really wanted to show
you this now." I was getting very excited, even though I didn't know
exactly what was going on. A weekend trip to Miami certainly didn't sound
like a bad idea.
"So this key unlocks something in Miami?" I asked, twirling the
ring around on my finger.
"You're pretty smart," he said.
"Come on, tell me, what is it? What is it?"
"Ok, ok," he said, going back into his pockets for what I hoped
would be the last time. He handed me another piece of paper, which I
realized was a brochure. On the front cover was a photograph of a
beautiful skyscraper in South Beach, overlooking the ocean. I looked up at
him, in total disbelief. "Beyonce is your neighbor," he smiled, looking
happier than I had ever seen him.
"Josh," I said quietly, my voice failing me. "You, you bought me a
condo in South Beach?"
"Well, I assume I can come over whenever I want," he beamed. I was
speechless. I threw my arms around him, holding him as tight as I could.
"Everyone needs an escape place," he added.
"I can't believe you did this," I breathed, still looking at the
brochure over his shoulder. It was a gift of epic proportions, and a
material symbol of how much faith JC had in our relationship. "I, I,
I...." I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't stop smiling and neither
could he. "I love you so much," I said, gripping him tightly again.
"We should probably get going," JC said, his hand rubbing up and
down my back. I pulled away from him, realizing that I had left tearstains
on his shirt. I was so happy, I was crying. I had definitely changed in
the past year.
We exited the bathroom, quickly saying our goodbyes before heading
into the limousine that awaited us. I would ask him later when and how he
had organized all this, but for now I was just enjoying the moment.
----------
A couple of weeks later, a little tanner and back in New York, I
did the unthinkable. I headed out into the city by myself. JC had gone to
visit his sister, so I of course had to go and do something I knew could
potentially get me into a lot of trouble. My film had opened and easily
captured the number one spot for Memorial Day weekend. It received great
reviews and the movie poster with my picture on it could be found all over
the city, probably all over the country. Wearing a baseball hat,
sunglasses, and clothes that I normally wouldn't be caught dead in, I
strolled around Central Park, knowing that I potentially wouldn't be able
to do stuff like this for years to come. I had an enormous feeling of
accomplishment. I had proven to be a great success in all the areas of my
life. What now? What was next? I was excited about the future, but also
wanted to find new ways to challenge myself. I needed to find my own path,
not just become another matinee idol. I found a bench and sat down to
enjoy the nice weather, knowing that it would only be a short amount of
time before I was offered drugs or something even more controversial. My
cell phone began to vibrate and I retrieved it from my pocket.
"What's up, Allen?" I asked, knowing that my agent never really
called just to chat.
"Heard something very interesting about an hour ago," he said.
"What is it," I asked.
"There's going to be a revival of 'The Glass Menagerie' in London,
and the director is hoping to get you to play Tom."
"You're kidding me, right?" I asked. It was one of the roles I had
always told Allen I had to play someday. It was my favorite Tennessee
Williams play. Yes, the film offers were pouring in, but they suddenly
seemed secondary to the idea of returning to the stage.
"What do you want me to do?" Allen asked. My mind was racing. It
was a play. It would mean moving to London for a significant amount of
time.
I knew that I should talk to JC. It wasn't a decision I should
make on my own. I wasn't single anymore. I started to remember the
conversation I had with Maggie on my birthday. She told me that I couldn't
be flexible, but I told her that I thought I could.
I thought, I thought and I thought.
"Allen," I said into the phone. "Get me that part."
To be continued