I feel like a soulless drone..

or whatever you call it. Maybe, the right words are " broken " or.. " walking dead ". I think I feel like this because I am such a loser. I am not a young man anymore and I don't see much hope, I am jammed into sleeping in my Aunt's living room on the couch with three other people in the living room, I feel like a sardine.

I have done many things to futher myself in life i.e go to college, work, do both or school and career. Everything. I have many times have started out from the very bottom to try and climb the ladder in different organizations. I have even started my own part time businesses and was in sales working in real estate and I have done nothing but fail. Fail over and over again.

It's too the point where I don't have anymore motivation to do anything anymore. The med's don't really help, no that's not true..the meds slows my thinking down to where my mind is not racing at 100mph.

This days I try to keep my focus on the things that I am good at, but..I really can't make a living doing what I am good at. I can make a few bucks here and there..but not cash flow coming in ( long story ).

I feel like a zombie, a loser. I should feel appreciative to have a couch to sleep on but I don't. Once, I was in Ft. Bragg Cailfornia and I went to ocean to " walk out into the ocean " and just end it. I was the only person on the beach that day.. and I sware to God this is true, but there were " hundreds " or maybe even " thousands " of beach flies that basically flew into my face. I didn't go threw with what I was planning to do. I don't know if that was some kind of " otherworld " sign not to go ahead with taking my life. I have read other stories about people at the last second who didn't go through with suicide. I took that as a sign of some sort.

I don't have ambition to leave the house. I am not really in fear of trying something new and failing, I just don't see the point. I am not married and have no kids so what is there to motivate me. It use to frighten me that I might wind up on the street and sleeping under a bridge, I have been out on the streets before but I was sleeping in my car. I don't even go anywhere. I have read all kinds of books about motivating yourself and tapes etc but there are no use to me.

I am just a walking zombie who spends most of my time on the computer. I know that my words that you are reading I may come across as " negative " but I have little to no success otherwise to compair to . I see others like myself when I go out..there usually working some low paying shit job that offers to hope of advancement or promotion. I can see the disappointment in the faces and their body language.

I tried very hard to make my folks happy. I tried to lay the golden egg and usually had to go back to working some low paying job to pay the bills. I am still living in the same shit gang riddled neighborhood who neighbor's make it their business to know what you are doing and gossip with each other about what going on in my life. Fuck them! I know for a fact that they make up lies about me, but I really don't care what they think.

Right now..I feel like I am drifting with no specific purpose but thinking about how I can end my life and not piss off my family.

I am still drifting..wanting to " make my transition " as one consciousness teacher put's it. There is nothing in this physical world that I am wanting. No purpose or, no goal. All the music is gone from me. There is emptyness inside. I have no joy to share with others. I wish I had a terminal illness and I could pass on that way, I don't know how long I can keep going.

Drifting..drifting..drifting..and for what reason?!

When I was a young man, I didn't follow my dreams but, instead.. I did what I thought made my family happy. This was a HUGE mistake! I should have " followed my bliss " ..but what was bliss to me, wasn't to my mom and grandmother..I tried to please them. I should have done what made me happy and what I was good at doing.

So, I am hanging on. I think I have thought of every way how I can end it. I still don't know if I am able to do it. I don't want to end up like a vegetable or paralysised from the neck down or something like that ( with my luck that would happen to me ).

I've put on a little weight. I think it's from the inactivity of not leaving the house and also the meds. I seek relief from this feeling of living the life I now live. I am not going to be a street person or be homeless. I would rather be dead than live that type of life. Everything is SO expensive here, I could never make it working some low-paying job.

I know no one is going to save me or help me..but I continue to hang on.

Sorry about your life man. I know how it feels, though you are obviously much stronger than I am. I'm 16 so I haven't had time to go through all the shit that you have and I know that I wouldn't be able to, I would have ended it a lot sooner (I'm thoroughly convinced I won't make it to the age of 18). So kudos to you my friend for hanging in there for so long. If you feel the need to end your life then I wouldn't blame you for doing it, sometimes death is better than the prospect of having to keep on trudging through all the neck high shit in your life. I know that if I don't graduate highschool or I'm not able to get my GED so I can at least join the Army then I will probably just kill myself becuase I know that if I don't I'll be trudging through neck high shit for the rest of my life and I've come to the conclusion that death is deffinetely better than that.