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Am I Manipulating my Ex?

November 5th, 2018, 03:52 PM

Hello,

I'm a 17 year old and I had my first boyfriend just around March when I was 16. We met in a college course and he started texting me. I didn't talk much at first and I was very unsure of him and he thought I'd rejected him, but we started going out and eventually started dating.

I was very confused by the whole concept of dating because like I said, he was my first boyfriend. I was very shy and didn't like to say too much in case I said something wrong, and he was worried about this and used to do a lot of the talking, but I still felt a connection. He had similar personality traits and interests to me.

Because I was frustrated by the fact that I couldn't express myself properly, I soon started many arguments with him. The first was the fact that his ex still had him and her as her profile picture on basically everything, and he promised he didn't talk to her since they broke up. After that were arguments where I basically criticized him, but we would make up in no time.

Of course this broke the relationship down and he became wary of me. I thought he would leave me, and I suppose my logic at the time was "Well I should leave him before he leaves me so he won't see how much it hurts me." So that's what I did. The relationship lasted almost two months in total. We ended on alright terms, but I felt like I didn't express myself enough during the relationship and when we finished.

I regretted it not too long afterwards, but I didn't say anything to him. I was pretty confused as to how to react when I saw him in public, so I ultimately ignored him every time I saw him. He ended up deleting me on Facebook which he never did to any of his other exes. After all that, I texted him about three months post-breakup asking him how he was and we had a decent conversation and he seemed positive to talk to me.

When I returned to school in September, I figured out from my friend that he had texted her not too long after we broke up and I was really hurt by this. My best friend then told me he probably did this and deleting me from Facebook for attention from me, but I was just feeling insecure and questioning everything that happened between us.

I still continue to think about him now, 6 months later. I'm not sure if it's because I want to get back with him or if I just want to express myself properly and have some closure. I suppose I feel kind of stupid for feeling this way since the relationship was so short, but he was my first boyfriend and he was a nice guy and I just messed it all up.

I guess what I'm asking is, am I in the wrong? Should I text him, even if it's just to express how I feel? Any input would be helpful.

jenai Yes, you were wrong because you were a drama queen creating unnecessary drama when you could have been harmonious and peaceful with him instead. You could text him but what is your goal? Do you wish to rekindle your relationship with him? I think he has since moved on. You've already given him closure by letting him know it's over. If you decide to text him, you'll be perceived as groveling and insecure and no one likes that.

Since you're new to having a relationship, remember in the future that guys think girls who act like high maintenance drama queens are insecure and unattractive. You need to back off, keep peace and harmony in mind and remain easy going. Don't be a difficult person because it's a red flag to a guy. Don't create unnecessary issues because you'll be perceived as a pain in the neck.

As for the ex's profile picture of her and him, you have no control over that. He promised that he didn't talk to her since they broke up. You should've left that issue alone instead of dragging this fight out.

If you decide to text him, be careful with your approach. If you're truly sorry, apologize with utmost sincerity and humbleness. Admit wrongdoing, express that you made a mistake in the way you treated him, express your guilt and remorse and be selfless about that. Lower yourself. He'll either come around and wish to rekindle his relationship with you, need time and space, require a very long time to trust you again or decide it's over and move on. It couldn't hurt to text him but lower your expectations so you won't feel disappointed if his reaction isn't what you had anticipated.

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Hi, he was your first boyfriend so it was all new to you. What you should've done is talk to him about it. He sounds like a good guy that really cared about you, but your inability to express yourself made the relationship difficult and gave him an unnecessary hard time. This is not your fault. I hope you have been able overcome this.
In answer to your question, no I don't think you should txt him now after 6 months. It's been too long and he will have moved on by now. If he wanted to talk to you he would've done so sooner.

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Wait a second, honey. He was purportedly DATING YOU and he had his EX's photo plastered all over his social media photos and profile photo? What the fuck? Just say no. Don't dumb yourself down, please. Your instincts were guiding you in the right direction. I don't think you were a drama queen. You're simply sticking up for yourself and now you're going backwards and doubting yourself. Don't do that.

I only see this person as perhaps playing you for a rebound. He was not interested in you at all. If he has fallen for you this boy would be pursuing you. If you don't feel like the chemistry is there and you don't feel things are where they should be at this time, after what you've been through and for the time you have dated, move on. Remember to honour yourself and never lower yourself. If it doesn't feel good, I don't care what it is, you listen to yourself and you listen to your instincts. Be strong.

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Thanks for pointing that out. No, I did not attack an innocent man. If the OP is not comfortable with his inappropriate ex, she has every right to voice that. Obviously there are no clear boundaries and no shared respect between him and his ex. Whatever their dynamics it's still fucked up to me. If she doesn't feel good she should NOT be dumbing herself down for a man who hasn't tied up unfinished business with his previous relationships. No, he cannot control his exes but he does owe it to himself and his future partners to make sure things are done and over with his previous relationships and no loose ends.

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But it's nothing to do with him what his ex does and what pics she has. He doesn't talk to her or anything. He's nothing to do with her. It doesn't even say anywhere that he still has associations with his ex so I'm not sure where you're getting that from. OP kicking off about the pics suggests she went snooping on this girls every social media account. Why? It's the only way she would've discovered that. I honestly can't see what he did wrong. She admitted to continually picking fights because she couldn't express herself correctly.

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What matters is the OP is unsettled. She started dating an imbecile who didn't tie up his loose ends. How much clearer do you want me to be?

Regarding the OP picking fights I disagree. I think the OP instead has self-confidence issues and has admitted her insecurity also to lack of experience which I feel is the greatest underlying reason for her issues. She says she wasn't articulate and wasn't able to express herself as well but yet she expresses herself very well here on a forum. I don't actually believe that she had trouble expressing herself. I think she expressed herself very well, her idiot boyfriend couldn't take the heat or the truth of what she said and he got irritated with her. I'm still going to tell her the same thing. Don't dumb herself down, don't question herself or her instincts, don't accept a man who's got girls or a band of banshees still after him and don't mix with the wrong crowd. He may not be an evil person but he sure doesn't sound like he's got his shit together either. Regardless of what he is or what he is NOT (speculations here), she does NOT deserve to feel terrible all over again or put herself in another bad situation with a person who's already proven he's not a good choice.

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What loose ends? You honestly baffle with your utter dislike towards men. You rip them apart when some have done nothing wrong. You are seeing things that are not written. It doesn't say anywhere that he has any association with any other woman. She also admitted to picking fights (that was clearly written). She clearly went snooping at his exs social media to discover those pics because she is very insecure. She will learn from this.

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Please re-read the OP's post. She has doubts about whether he was contacting his ex right after their "break up". She's entitled to snoop however the hell she wants. If she didn't she'd still be dating this guy. I actually don't have anything against men. But it IS clear that you do have a problem with my opinion and you also can't seem to accept when others' opinions differ from yours. If you don't get it, perhaps stick around a bit more and learn a bit more. I've never been a fan of responding at length to other posters because much of what we read has everything to do with 1) how we interpret ourselves and 2) how we interpret the world around us. You're getting too wrapped up in minor details and bullshit, D&C. Neither you are wrong nor I am wrong. I have no patience for anyone who insists one way or the highway. I've supported men AND women on this forum and encouraged individuals to listen to their gut instincts and not to continue to be run to the ground or continue putting themselves in uncomfortable situations.

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Please re-read the OP's post. She has doubts about whether he was contacting his ex right after their "break up". She's entitled to snoop however the hell she wants. If she didn't she'd still be dating this guy. I actually don't have anything against men. But it IS clear that you do have a problem with my opinion and you also can't seem to accept when others' opinions differ from yours. If you don't get it, perhaps stick around a bit more and learn a bit more. I've never been a fan of responding at length to other posters because much of what we read has everything to do with 1) how we interpret ourselves and 2) how we interpret the world around us. You're getting too wrapped up in minor details and bullshit, D&C. Neither you are wrong nor I am wrong. I have no patience for anyone who insists one way or the highway. I've supported men AND women on this forum and encouraged individuals to listen to their gut instincts and not to continue to be run to the ground or continue putting themselves in uncomfortable situations.

ďWhen I returned to school in September, I figured out from my friend that he had texted her not too long after we broke up and I was really hurt by this. My best friend then told me he probably did this and deleting me from Facebook for attention from me, but I was just feeling insecure and questioning everything that happened between us.Ē

I donít think he texted his ex? I think he texted the OPís friend? And we donít know the context of that message.
Maybe the OP can clarify that?

Sorry Rose but Iím with Dazed on this one.

The OP claims she canít express herself well , but I think what she meant was she canít express her crazy feelings well ( but who can express something illogical and crazy right? )

Her bf of a mere 7 weeks , had an ex who still had him in her profile pics on social media.
There is absolutely nothing he could do about that ! Except maybe politely ask her to change her profile pic. But he wasnít even in contact with her.

The OP caused arguments with him about something he had no control over.

I dont think Dazed is trying to win one over you, I think she is just baffled as to why you canít see what her and I are seeing and reading.

OP, there is no closure needed. You dumped him out of your own insecurities and there is no point in contacting him while you are still insecure. Just work on building your own self esteem. Realise why your friends like or love you and that any deserving man will do too as long as you are being yourself. You donít want a man to fall for the fake person you are around him because eventually the true you will be revealed.
You clearly did snoop on his exes social media. Why? He and her broke up.
You I believe compared yourself to her , yet you know nothing much about her. Your own lack of self esteem caused you to feel like you were competing with someone who like us all only put our best self forward on the Internet.

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The OP claims she canít express herself well , but I think what she meant was she canít express her crazy feelings well ( but who can express something illogical and crazy right? )

Her bf of a mere 7 weeks , had an ex who still had him in her profile pics on social media.
There is absolutely nothing he could do about that ! Except maybe politely ask her to change her profile pic. But he wasnít even in contact with her.

The OP caused arguments with him about something he had no control over.

This I disagree with. It's naive to believe, in my opinion, that those were things he had no control over. Think back to your break ups. Did you ever date a man whose ex continued to have his profile photo up continuously after said break up? It's ridiculous and I don't think it's likely. Does it happen? Probably....with people no one should date. I offered my interpretation and so did everyone else. I already see what you and D&C are saying but I think it's naive and would never for one second even believe he didn't have his shit together for such a mess to occur. If he started dating a new woman he would have at the very least WARNED the OP of what a batshit nutcase his ex was for still having photos of him but he didn't do any of those things (according to the info in the OP's post). My point is nothing actually suggests that her (ex) boyfriend was innocent at all of any wrongdoing. Is he likely quite stupid? Probably. Is he evil/malicious etc etc? No, like I already said.

This isn't a case of me not seeing what you're saying. I just don't agree that he's a good choice of a boyfriend in the first place if he can't manage his ex-relationships. For that reason, no, I don't think the OP should give him a second chance.

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This I disagree with. It's naive to believe, in my opinion, that those were things he had no control over. Think back to your break ups. Did you ever date a man whose ex continued to have his profile photo up continuously after said break up? It's ridiculous and I don't think it's likely. Does it happen? Probably....with people no one should date. I offered my interpretation and so did everyone else. I already see what you and D&C are saying but I think it's naive and would never for one second even believe he didn't have his shit together for such a mess to occur. If he started dating a new woman he would have at the very least WARNED the OP of what a batshit nutcase his ex was for still having photos of him but he didn't do any of those things (according to the info in the OP's post). My point is nothing actually suggests that her (ex) boyfriend was innocent at all of any wrongdoing. Is he likely quite stupid? Probably. Is he evil/malicious etc etc? No, like I already said.

This isn't a case of me not seeing what you're saying. I just don't agree that he's a good choice of a boyfriend in the first place if he can't manage his ex-relationships. For that reason, no, I don't think the OP should give him a second chance.

Ah! Ok! I see your point. Thanks for clarifying.

But what if the ex is not actually a nut job? What if she just happens to not care to update her profile pic? Maybe the break up was insignificant to her? Or it was and didnít want to change her status to single just yet in order to privately get past it?

The OP didnít mention this ex as a threat particularly , just stated what she observed by her own snooping.

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I understand what you're saying but to me I find it hard to believe the break up was insignificant or she would be negligent not to change the status or remove that status altogether (from what I remember having that status up is optional in the first place - no need to broadcast). How many young people today don't care to update something as groundbreaking as a profile photo of an ex or a relationship status when it's over? This is all speculation but I just don't think he ended on good terms with her and they may not have even ended the relationship entirely. The likelihood that there were loose ends or unfinished business is very high to me (this is just to me, no one else has to think so). I really love these ambiguous opening posts because there's so much of nothing to go on. I am going to also mention something else the OP said: said ex-boyfriend also removed her from FB eventually, something he never did to any of his other exes. Now maybe I'm in the utter minority here but I have no idea why anyone would want constant streams of news feeds from their collection of exes on social media. I just don't feel like this guy has any boundaries at all.

About the ex as a threat, I perceived the ex as a threat through the OP because of the way she behaved (her actions). Even an inexperienced person (in relationships) is capable of feeling insecure and slighted. An inexperienced person is also capable of feeling joyous and secure and happy. We really don't need to be taught how to feel these emotions through lived experience. It's innate and built into each of us. What is learned through experience is how to filter and make sense of it. My interpretation is that she is inexperienced and dimming herself and her emotions out of insecurity but really she shouldn't have to. Her discomfort is real. Her feeling of awkwardness, feeling slighted, annoyed and put off by her boyfriend's ex is very real regardless of what actually went down with his ex or what type of person she or he is. What I'm focused on is the OP and her emotions - verbal and non-verbal. At the first instance I tend to give a lot of benefit of the doubt to the OP to begin with because he or she is here with us and a primary source of information. It's also the OP who is actively seeking help from the forum so I think in most instances it's not too much of a stretch to really extend that trust and believe that those emotions are real. I'm generally also a big believer in gut instincts and first instincts. If something doesn't feel right it just doesn't feel right. We don't always need rationale or logic to break it down. The OP I feel didn't quite know what to do with her instincts but she does have them. At least that's what I'm sensing. The danger to me is a young person growing/learning/living without trust in his or her self. I hope this helps.