Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Wednesday is Speed Hump Day

As an ostensibly humorous bike blogger, it's recumbent upon me to adopt a jovial persona. However, this is merely a mask I use to obscure my inner turmoil, for the truth is that I'm no stranger to profound disappointment. For example, I recently received a box-shaped box from the Chris King Precision Bicycle Component Bicycle Component Company:

What bicycle cycling enthusiast wouldn't be thrilled to receive a box from Chris King? Beaming, I wondered what manner of precision-engineered bike booty it might contain. A headset? A pair of hubs? Maybe even a headset? Excitedly, I ordered my trained box-opening hamster to go to work, and when Nestor was done working his incisors I lifted the lid, only to reveal...coffee:

I do appreciate the gift, but it's difficult to describe the sort of deep disappointment you feel when you open a box from Chris King and find a bag of coffee. I imagine it's the same way you'd feel if Peta Todd came to your house, asked you demurely if she could "show you something," and then slipped off her shoes and made you examine her bunions. Then again, I suppose there are people out there who would actually prefer that scenario:

I would ask that you please not hold me personally liable for concepts, words, and scenarios that already exist elsewhere on the Internet such as the one above.

At this point you're probably disgusted by the fact I'm complaining about having received a lovely bag of coffee (not to mention the whole "bunionfucker" thing). I suppose this disgust is warranted, but I maintain I complain ("maintain I complain" is almost mellifluous enough to make up for "bunionfucker") far less than the average American bicycle cycling enthusiast. For example, it is still very much in vogue to complain about the Tour de France coverage provided by what is now NBC Sports and commentated upon by Phil Sherwen and Paul Liggett, but you won't hear me doing it:

Basically, among the chief complaints regarding this coverage seem to be:

--The coverage doesn't show the whole stage;
--The one with the gray hair can't keep the riders' names straight, and the one with the dark hair alternates between constant explanations of the concept of "drafting" and mind-numbing facts about castles and cathedrals;
--Both of them fixate on American riders like Levi Leipheimer, Dave Zabriskie, and Tom Danielson, who together are about as interesting as an earthenware tea set.

Sure, these things may be true, but I don't mind. Firstly, I suppose there are people who may want to watch an entire Tour de France stage from start to finish, but there are also railfans who like to stand around all day watching trains, and I'd argue that both groups are straining the fragile membrane that exists between boring behavior and psychotic behavior. Secondly, as someone who is completely unable to remember names or facts of any kind, I'm amazed that either of these guys do as well as they do, especially considering the length of the event and their combined age of 217. Thirdly, somehow Leipheimer and Danielson have managed to dupe the cycling world into thinking they still have potential, and Zabriskie has managed to dupe it into thinking that speaking really slowly constitutes a personality, so you can't blame Pigglett and Sherman for playing along. Most of all though, I don't like any other sports, but I've watched them, and almost all of them are vastly more intellectually offensive. What's dumber, having to listen to an English guy screw up a name occasionally, or having to watch this?

By the way, in all his years of commentating, to my knowledge Phil Liggett has only made one racist flub, which I'm sure is a record unparalleled in all of American sports broadcasting. Also, I have a policy of not including "spoilers" in my blog, so all I'll say about today's stage is that Thomas Voeckler won:

I'd hate to say I told you so, but at 48th overall and over a half an hour behind Bradley Wiggins, Dmitriy Fofonov is ideally positioned to win this Tour.

Speaking of complaining, plenty of New Yorkers have been complaining about our imminent bike share system, but that hasn't dampened the enthusiasm of the smugerati, and I recently received this email from Transporation Alternatives:

How will I use Citi Bike? With difficulty, because sadly I don't live anywhere near Gentrification Zone One:

Citi Bike will roll out with stations in Manhattan south of Central Park, Long Island City and in Brooklyn north of Atlantic Avenue, all the way up to Williamsburg and Greenpoint.

I'm not sure how much difference changing the numbers on the signs is going to make, since it's pretty much impossible here to get a speeding ticket as it is. Then again, the low-cost speed humps should help, because nothing is more relaxing than a cheap, quick hump, and once you're finished you're usually content to just roll down the windows and cruise. Perhaps in addition to speed humps the city will experiment with other traffic-calming techniques, such as the ones contained in this article that was forwarded to me by a reader:

For example, consider this approach in Vancouver:

In West Vancouver, Canada, traffic safety groups painted holograms on the ground so that as cars approached, a child appeared to rise from the ground. (Never mind that detractors have said the holograms could cause cars to swerve and hit something real.)

I'm guessing it was highly effective, since pretty much everyone in Vancouver is completely stoned almost all of the time and are thus highly susceptible to holograms.

On the other hand, New Yorkers tend to be pretty jaded regardless of their intoxication level, which is why the holograms should be more arresting. Sure, typical New York drivers have no problem running down a child, but they're sure to stop for a spectral naked recumbent rider:

Also, I understand that in the more gentrified parts of Brooklyn, reckless drivers are going to be reproached by an animatronic Martin Amis:

Yes, speeding is bad spondee. Or is it good spondee? To be honest, I still have no idea what spondee is. At this point I've just decided that it's the same as "karma," which is another word people like to use despite not really understanding its true meaning.

Rockefeller Center - When I saw how full the bike rack at 48th and 6th was Tuesday morning I knew getting my bike in there would be a challenge. What I didn't know is that it'd be a problem for you too. When I retrieved my bike after work I found your note written on the back of a Sovereign Bank ATM receipt. "You jammed me in. Took 20 min to get out." All in capital letters. In pencil. And perhaps what struck me most is how you corrected your spelling from "jambed" to "jammed". And when I read it I thought, "Huh, which is it? Like a door jamb or like strawberry jam?" And I feel really bad for blocking you in. It was so hard to find a spot and I honestly didn't mean to inconvenience anyone else. I'm not sure how I'm going to get my bike parked in the morning (Hello, Rock Center? More bike rikes? Please?) but I will certainly be more careful about others' bikes in the future. So thank you for the note. And also, I think we might be meant for each other. ;)

I can't help thinking that the crisis might be alleviated somewhat by people being willing to walk more than half a block to find additional bike parking. But I guess people would rather pile their bikes on top of other bikes and then leave notes, as I observed recently:

Similar to the rationale behind the bank of Englsnd's big, 6 bicycle plan --- "He warned people who came into his orbit on Queen St West that global economic collapse was on the way. He maintained that people living in North American had grown weak from consumerism and credit card debt. ... Igor pointed to a fossil fuel apocalypse on the horizon that would make cars obsolete and bicycles essential. In a post-apocalyptic world Igor would emerge as an urban bike lord. His patch of land on Queen St West became known as Planet Igor" (http://bit.ly/NuhMFd). Igor Kenk = that guy who was trained an army of drug addicts to steal and bring bikes to him for drugs, and accumulated thousands and thousands of them in warehouses around Toronto.

I am glad you spoiled the HC stage. Now I may go out to eat with my family. Or something. TRUE STORY [Actually Today]: Guy walks into the office at work and says, "You can't even say Sand N----r without all the regular N----rs getting tore up about it in the breakroom." I just sat there in astonishment.

"All living beings have actions (Karma) as their own, their inheritance, their congenital cause, their kinsman, their refuge. It is Karma that differentiates beings into low and high states."---The Buddha. This is why I suck at bicycle-cycling.

I assure you that trainspotting involves more than "standing around all day watching trains" Or so I've read on the trainspotting blogs.

But speaking of the English, I had to freak out on the local news outlet today for continuing to broadcast today's stage winner in headlines above the fold on the home-page. (something that would get your office petrol bombed should you do something so offensive re the football scores) re-broadcast doesn't mean anything when you scoop the rest of the local anti-bike media on a bike story.

So, I guess it was my own fault that I saw it again after reading 10 paragraphs of today's post.

Trainspotting is definitely a different proposition in the UK, where trains do actually exist (except in the defunct Edinburgh station the ne'er-do-well were hanging out in, bgw, that was just a junkie joke on their part).Fantastic news about the Bank of England being so ready for the apocalypse - but are they intending to go riding around on Boris Bikes, sponsored by a lesser bank?

@JDH --- why is it crazy to point out that the Bank of England is following the same logic as a crazy Toronto bike-theft kingpin? I wasn't making up any of the details --- search his name. His trial was huge news.

Have you read the book? It's written phonetically in jakey Scots dialect. And "cunt" quite often means "bloke". You have to have sat on the top deck of an Edinburgh bus late on a Saturday night to understand it fully....

They need to start removing abandoned bikes from these racks. If the tires are flat and all parts of the drive train have a thick furry coat of rust then get it out of there. Until then these bikes are the best source for seats that are guaranteed not to get stolen. If you try a few you may find one that's not too uncomfortable.

"Lowering the speed limit from 30 to 20 means the drivers can now theoretically only kill 66,6% as much pedestrians and cyclists as they could before"

Pedestrians and cyclists are countable objects, even if they don't necessarily 'count' in the car-centric scheme of things, so you mean 66,6% as many , but as I understand it, the physics turns out to be rather different, and lethality drops rather more than you might expect with the lower speed. I'm sure you could look up the figures if you want, I'm too lazy.

Today's mountain stage of the Tour 'day' France was won by Dmitri Fofonov. A long solo break with an explosively satisfying finish put him 8:42 ahead of the peloton at the end of the stage, launching him into contention for the overall lead.

as for not showing the "whole stage"--come on, let's admit that guys pedaling along on bikes is just guys pedaling along on bikes. Why does anybody think Phil and Paul resort to talking about their bunions? Because it's more interesting than saying, "The peloton is riding their bikes. . . Now the peloton continues to ride their bikes, as they have for the last hour and will for the next hour." It's also more interesting than showing last year's crashes for the billion and first time. . . . Face it, if you don't really, really like bike racing, most of a bike race is about as interesting as watching golf when Tiger Woods is not scanning the crowd for a Peta Todd look-alike. I like it when they edit the whole thing down to the good bits, which I can record and skip the Lance-free Michelob Light commercials and thus watch in an hour and fifteen minutes--leaving me more time to ride my own bike.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!