Summary: Doug has spent the night working on Mark’s computer to finish a presentation. Mark is trying to quit smoking (again), this time with the help of a nicotine patch. He has Cynthia’s luggage, which was finally recovered after the trip to San Diego. She quit her job right after returning, so Mark hasn’t seen her to be able to return it. Doug tells him to take the luggage to the hospital so Cynthia can pick it up there instead of being forced to come to Mark’s place. Instead, Mark takes the luggage to Cynthia’s apartment, but she’s moved out. He mopes in his car with a cigarette.

At County, Weaver invites Doug to join interns’ rounds, but he’s not interested. She knows he’s presenting his research on PCA use (pain medication administered by the patient as needed), but she’s not sure he’s been thorough in his work. He’s convinced her that it should be used with pediatric patients, but there are still some issues with his work. Doug ignores her to chat with Mark but tells her she made her point. Carol pulls Doug away to treat a six-year-old who’s having seizures.

Doyle dumps some difficult patients on Carter, then leaves after working the night shift. Carter promises to have some difficult patients for her when she comes back in 12 hours. Lily gives Mark a patient with end-stage lung cancer, at Carol’s request; she’s hoping he’ll take the hint to quit smoking. Carter thinks he already has. Mark asks Jerry if Cynthia left a forwarding address, but it sounds like she just disappeared after picking up her last paycheck a few days ago. Jerry, who’s doing some spring cleaning, is delighted to find some Twinkies that are just a few years old.

Doug’s unable to figure out why his patient, Adrian, is having seizures. Paramedics have determined that he drank soda with something in it, but they don’t know what that something is. Elizabeth and Benton are flirting when Romano approaches them to announce that Elizabeth’s heroics in the collapsed building have been outlined in the newspaper. He follows it up by giving Elizabeth her six-month review, which isn’t as glowing as the article.

Adrian’s parents arrive at the hospital but are equally clueless as to what their son drank. There are photography supplies all over the house, which is probably what Adrian ingested, but without knowledge of what, exactly, he drank, Doug can’t treat him. Mark pulls Anna away for a John Doe who was supposedly in a motorcycle accident. He was sent over from another hospital because he’s uninsured, but Anna was told he just needed observation. In truth, he’s unresponsive for unknown reasons. Anna thinks the other hospital negligently dumped him on them.

Carter treats a man who appears to be homeless, though he claims he was about to take a flight to San Francisco to see his daughter. However, he doesn’t know where, exactly, she lives, and he doesn’t have her phone number. The man says it’s his own problem if he wants to fly across the country and have to figure out where to go.

Adrian’s patient wakes up but, like everyone else, doesn’t know what he drank. He says Eric gave it to him. He starts seizing again as Adrian’s father, Keith, flies out of the trauma room to interrogate another boy. The boy, Eric, runs off, and Doug corners him in the bathroom. Eric explains that Keith is his stepfather and Adrian is his half-brother. He claims not to care if Adrian dies.

Doug works his magic to get the boy to open up to him…as well as show marks on his arm that he claims are from Keith. Once Doug figures out what Adrian drank, he’s able to administer treatment. He promises the boys’ mother that they’ll take care of both boys.

Carter calls around to try to find out where his patient should go. He needs to be cleaned up before he can try to fly again, and Carter, Mark, and Carol all pass the responsibility around until it lands on Malik, who’d tried to avoid it in the first place. Anna determines that her John Doe has a subarachnoid bleed and should never have been transferred to another hospital.

Mark’s patient, Mr. Kyle, declines further treatment, knowing he doesn’t have much time left. His wife is reluctant to take him home, but Kyle doesn’t think he’ll be getting any better anyway. Elizabeth confronts Romano over her poor evaluation; he says she seems distracted. She came to focus on trauma surgery, but now she’s picking up pet projects. He invites her to join him on a study of a synthetic blood product.

Anna gets a neurosurgeon to come see her patient, but they can’t do much for him – he’s going to die. The neurosurgeon isn’t sure if he would have had a chance if he’d actually been treated previously instead of passed along. His only option is major surgery that might not have any effect. The only person who can approve that surgery is Dr. Mack, who’s currently in surgery.

Doug catches Mark smoking outside as he searches a Dumpster for some presentation materials Jerry may have accidentally thrown out in his spring cleaning frenzy. Doug says Adrian’s going to be okay, but his case falls under the category of Sometimes Being a Pediatrician Is Awful. Mark tells Doug that he went by Cynthia’s place, but she’s moved already. He regrets the way he handled the end of their relationship. All he can think about are her good qualities. Doug finds his presentation stuff and runs inside to yell at Jerry. Mark sees Kyle leaving and regrets his cigarette.

Jeanie and Scott discuss Days of Our Lives, which they’ve been watching together. Scott says that Jeanie’s prettier than Deidre Hall, which Jeanie says may be the nicest thing anyone’s said to her all year. (To be fair, it’s only March, and Al would say nice things like that if he were still in town.) He’s finished his last round of chemo, so next week he’d like to go to a movie instead of hanging out in the hospital. Jeanie reminds him that she has to work.

Eric and Adrian’s mother, Mary Jo, thanks Doug for saving Adrian, but she’s not grateful that the family has to talk to a social worker. She thinks it was an accident and Eric didn’t mean to hurt his brother. Doug says this was Eric’s way of lashing out because of Keith’s abuse. Mary Jo insists that no one’s abusing him. Eric’s out of control, and Keith just has to be strict to keep him in line. The burns on his arm are self-inflicted. Mary Jo starts yelling, and Mark advises Doug to avoid the men’s bathroom for a while. Oh, I’m glad we’re joking about his massive trauma now.

Anna and Carter are both on the phone, she trying to contact Mack and he trying to get information on his patient’s daughter. Mark is next on the phone, trying to track down Cynthia by using Carter’s story of finding a patient’s daughter. Scott heads home without saying goodbye to Jeanie.

Paramedics bring in a bunch of people who OD’d on a bad batch of heroin (though…is there such a thing as a good batch of heroin?). Anna recognizes one of the patients as Chase. Carter takes over his cousin’s care, though Anna and Carol don’t think he can be saved. He’s been unresponsive for at least 40 minutes, and Carol figures he’s brain-dead. Carter refuses to stop working.

Benton and Elizabeth go for a walk outside, discussing her evaluation. He advises her to overcompensate in any area where she’s received criticism. They run into Jackie, and Benton introduces Elizabeth to her as a “colleague.” He acts like he’s just showing her around the city because she’s from another country. Jackie notes that Benton isn’t usually so generous with his time. Elizabeth and Benton use “support” as a euphemism for “get naked together.” Jackie gets it.

Mark gets Cynthia’s phone number but chickens out before leaving a message on her answering machine. Carter worries that he pushed too hard in reviving Chase, but Anna says she would have done the same thing. He regrets not trying harder to get Chase into rehab. Anna notes that Carter couldn’t make him go if he didn’t agree. Chase’s parents are in Singapore, but Millicent and her husband are on their way. Anna tries to comfort Carter, who’s really shaken up.

Kyle is brought back in, and this time Mark wants to admit him. Anna’s patient’s son has been found, and he IDs his father as Tom. Anna tells him that Tom’s only hope is a surgery with only a slim chance of success. Carol drags Doug off for his presentation as Jeanie goes to the Anspaughs’ house to see Scott. She’s clearly become friends with the family, as Scott’s younger sister has spent time with her. Scott doesn’t want to hang out with Jeanie anymore, since she clearly was only friendly with him because it was her job. She still wants to be friends, and invites him to a movie.

A doctor Chuny calls the Grim Reaper comes to the ER to discuss organ donation with Tom. Anna wants to give him some time before they confirm that Tom won’t make it. Mack has now examined Tom and determined that he doesn’t have a chance. Her resident shouldn’t have told Anna that surgery was an option. Tom wants a second opinion, but Mack is the highest up the chain, so he’ll have to go to another hospital. That’ll be Tom’s third in a day. Anna asks why Mack can’t take a shot at surgery, but Mack knows it would be a waste of time. She shouldn’t have given Tom’s son any hope.

Carter tells his grandparents that Chase’s brain-wave activity indicates probable damage. This could mean anything from memory problems to a chronic vegetative state. The elder Carter (whose name is also John; we’ll call him John I) asks if Carter knew about Chase’s drug use. When Carter says yes, his grandparents question his decision to try to detox Chase on his own instead of sending him somewhere. They think they should have made the decision for Chase.

Doug gives his presentation at the med school, which Weaver catches the end of. Anspaugh seems at least a little impressed. Weaver asks about the randomization of the control group, a concern she’d brought up previously. Elizabeth tracks down her future husband, Mark, to ask if she can sign up for some time in the ER to get more trauma experience. She accompanies him to Kyle’s trauma room, where he’s been found unresponsive on the floor. Elizabeth finds a gunshot wound, and Malik finds the accompanying gun. Kyle shot himself to end his suffering, so Mark and Elizabeth decide to let him go.

The Carters want to move Chase to a neurology facility, but Carter tells Millicent he needs to be stabilized first. He wishes he could go back in time and change things. Millicent indicates that she knew something was going on, since she says that she assumed Chase would ask if he really needed help. Carter notes that Chase asked him for help.

Millicent wants to know if Chase ever told Carter why he started using. Carter says he probably just felt overwhelmed. Millicent says that her generation just embraced difficulties – they were defined by them. She knows Carter probably blames the family for Chase’s issues. He’s always been indulged by has seen it as oppression.

As Mark flushes his cigarettes, Doug and Weaver bicker over her medical decisions in a case she took on to let him go to the presentation. She knows he’s really upset because her questions pointed out a flaw in his research, which means he has to redo part of it. Doug accuses her of ambushing him, but she reminds him that she brought up the issue that morning and he blew her off.

Doug blasts her for leaving a sick baby in the ER to go undercut him in front of his superiors. Weaver says she wasn’t about to let him use PCA in situations where the research doesn’t support it. He asks if she’s now the self-appointed expert on the subject. Today, she didn’t help any kids, and in fact, could have almost killed one. Weaver responds with, “Screw you,” which isn’t going to make her look any more mature than Doug. Mark tries to play peacemaker, but Doug won’t like that, since Mark sides with Weaver.

Doug leaves the conversation when he sees that Adele is leaving with Eric. She explains that his rage has made him too hard to handle at County. He needs to be committed so his problems can be dealt with. Doug has to admit that Eric didn’t show any remorse when he admitted to poisoning his brother. Doyle arrives in the middle of a very tense ER.

Anna checks in on Tom, whose son still wants him to have the operation. Anna has to admit that she pushed too much to save Tom and was overly optimistic. Tom’s son says that a doctor at another hospital has agreed to do the surgery. That doctor happens to be the same neurosurgeon who sent Tom to County in the first place. Anna blasts him for being negligent because the patient didn’t have insurance.

Mark finally tracks down Cynthia and visits her at her very nice new apartment. She’s already gotten a new job, and says she needed a fresh start, which would have been hard to accomplish while still working with Mark. She must be doing well because her son is spending the night after not living with her for a while. Mark thinks he made a mistake breaking up with Cynthia, but she knows he doesn’t really love her. She feels she deserves better. At County, Carter continues tending to Chase. He was in complete control last week, but this week, he’s helpless.

Thoughts: John I is played by the late George Plimpton, which is A+ casting.

I love that Scott watches a soap. It would definitely give him and Jeanie hours of conversation material.

I also love that the Anspaughs are super-rich but have the same bathroom tiles my middle-class parents had for 25 years.

August 6, 2019

This scene from “Scrubs” went through my head multiple times during this episode

Summary: Doug and Carol meet up in the doctors’ lounge before she goes out for a paramedic ride-along. He’s off for the day and planning some big surprise at 5 p.m. He urges her to say “I love you,” which he usually says first. Jeanie meets Romano, who’s going over Scott’s scans with Benton. He needs surgery for some sort of obstruction.

Doug goes to Doc Magoo’s, where Mark has started smoking again. Doug reveals that he’s gotten wedding rings, and his surprise for Carol is a trip to the clerk’s office to get a marriage license. He wants to show her how serious he is. At 12:01 tomorrow morning, he wants to get married. Mark happily agrees to be his best man. Doug says he knew every other relationship he was in was wrong, but he wants to spend the rest of his life with Carol.

As Carol leaves for her ride-along with Doris and Greg, Mark and Weaver receive a patient who’s in pain from a possible ectopic pregnancy. The paramedic bringing her in regrets having to drive farther than usual to transport her; County is the closest receiving hospital. Jeanie checks on Scott, who refuses to have another operation, even though his tumor is back and has to be removed. She tells him straight out that without surgery, he’ll die. Scott still won’t budge, so Jeanie bribes him with hockey tickets.

Elizabeth is supposed to be part of Scott’s surgical team, but she wants to help out with Allison’s vocal-cord surgery instead. Romano passive-aggressively complains about her spending so much time on Allison’s case. Then he tells Allison not to worry, since he taught Elizabeth everything she knows. Weaver complains to West about her patient’s long ambulance ride, thanks to hospitals in the area closing. West has plans to make things better.

Carter and Anna’s patient, Mr. Dwyer, has a worm in his leg, which he contracted after drinking river water. Anna uses a toothpick to start pulling it out. Carter has heard that the worms can be as long as a meter. “I really didn’t need to hear that,” Mr. Dwyer says, laughing good-naturedly. Anna can only pull a couple of centimeters of the worm out every day; if she pulls out too much at once, it’ll break off. Mr. Dwyer says he should put in for combat pay.

Chase shows up, supposedly looking for Compazine for nausea, but Carter knows he’s covering something up. Chase says he stopped using heroin a couple days ago and just needs something to help him get past the worst part. He denies that he wants help detoxing. They yell at each other for a little while, and after Chase storms out, Anna tells Carter it’s better to let him go. She had a friend in med school who had a drug problem, and Anna has been in Carter’s position many times. She warns Carter not to let his cousin drag him into his problems.

The paramedics take a break at their station, and Greg complains about Dwight’s vegetarian cooking. Carol praises his carob brownies. While operating on Scott, Romano tries to rope Benton into trash-talking Elizabeth with him, but Benton won’t take the bait. Romano says female surgeons always have something to prove. Yeah, they have to prove their skills to sexist pigs like you. Romano continues that he likes Benton because he’s “not one of those militant minorities.” Shirley the scrub nurse confirms that the tumor indicates that Scott’s lymphoma is back.

Weaver has done some research and found out that Synergix has closed a ton of hospitals in the Midwest. West tries to dance around how bad that sounds. Instead of just closing bad places, they’re reconfiguring them and turning them into specialized centers. But that means closing trauma centers, and it means charging more for that specialized care, which means the people with the greatest need for medical care can’t get it anymore. West tells Weaver that County is essential and won’t be going anywhere. Weaver shoots back that they can’t close if everyone else does.

Jeanie asks Malik to help her get hockey tickets, since she didn’t actually have them yet when she told Scott she did. Malik thinks she’s going on a nice date. Elizabeth observes Allison’s surgery, offering moral support more than assistance. Weaver’s skipping a big Synergix luncheon, now uncertain that they should be taking over the ER’s operations. She tells Anspaugh they might want to delay the board’s vote for a couple weeks. Benton interrupts to tell Anspaugh that Scott’s cancer has come back.

Cynthia smells cigarette smoke on Mark, which means he has to give her a dollar. I like that system. She wants to hang out that night, but Mark brushes her off because of his secret plans with Doug. Carter asks to leave work early, wanting to go check on Chase, who left him a bunch of messages but now isn’t answering his phone. Anna guesses that he’s going over to help him, the exact thing she told him not to do.

Carol, Greg, and Doris go to an apartment where an elderly woman is bleeding and unconscious. Distressed, Greg blurts out that she’s dead. Carol takes control of the case, trying to keep Greg calm at the same time. He gets the woman breathing again, but Carol is worried about him. Back at County, Allison’s procedure is successful, and she’s able to speak for the first time in weeks.

The paramedics deliver the woman to the hospital, then leave for another run before they can find out if she’ll be okay. Carter goes to Chase’s apartment and offers his help. Chase denies that he needs it, and he doesn’t want the help Carter’s there to provide anyway, in the form of the names of treatment centers. Chase doesn’t want his secret addiction to get out, since he comes from such a prominent family. Also, he’s definitely not getting clean, since his dealer arrives moments later to make a sale. Carter tells Chase that if he buys, he’s on his own for real. Chase sends the dealer away.

The paramedics’ patient doesn’t survive, and it turns out she’s one of the growing number of elderly rape victims the ER has seen recently. There are different detectives on the case now, since the perpetrator has crossed district lines. Mark notes that he hasn’t heard anything on the news about the case. There have now been three victims, and the public has no idea what’s going on.

Carol asks Greg if he’s okay, since he had such a strong reaction when they found their patient. The patient’s wallet is in the ambulance, and when Greg sees a coupon inside for cat food, Carol says that someone should go back to the apartment and check on the cat. Anspaugh tells Jeanie that Scott needs more chemo, and no one knows how long his treatments will take. Anspaugh asks Jeanie to be Scott’s part-time private-duty caregiver, since they’ve developed such a good relationship. Father and son both admire her a lot.

Carter patiently tends to Chase as he goes through detox in his apartment. Then he’s not so patient anymore, and Chase practically turns feral, and really, the whole thing is a mess and a bad idea. Elizabeth tells Benton that Allison’s procedure went well, and Kotlowitz thinks she’ll have full use of her voice in a couple weeks. She invites him out for a drink, dismissing his excuse that he doesn’t drink alcohol. He can have something else.

Carol and Greg return to their patient’s apartment, where no one investigating the crime scene has seen a cat. The door to the roof is open, so Carol and Greg head up there, finding the unfriendly pet. Greg confides that when he first saw the patient, he was reminded of his mother, who hanged herself when he was nine. He found her body. Greg first felt angry, then felt guilty because he was thinking of himself instead of the patient. He sees his mother as selfish for not thinking how her death would affect the family.

Carol says that she thought about everyone but herself when she attempted suicide. She was so caught up in everyone else’s expectations for her that she didn’t consider her own. Now, she’s okay. Greg praises her for opening the clinic, calling her a super-nurse. He tells her she can leave, if she has somewhere to be; he’ll wait for the cat to agree to go inside with him. She decides to stay. This is a MISTAKE, because Greg is totally into Carol, and he kisses her, and she doesn’t fight it, and it’s worse than Chase’s detox.

Weaver tries to avoid West as she leaves for the night, but he doesn’t take the hint. She asks him to delay the board vote – she no longer believes in Synergix’s supposed mission. They’re turning decent health care into a luxury. Weaver says she just needs more time to think about the whole thing. West wonders if she means the Synergix arrangement or their relationship. I’m going to go with both, West.

Carter bugs someone at the hospital pharmacy for a prescription he ordered for Chase. Anna delivers it herself, along with some other things she knows Chase will need. Elizabeth and Benton play darts together at a pub, discussing Benton’s decision not to drink alcohol or eat pork. He’s not Muslim and doesn’t have control issues; he just doesn’t like the taste. Elizabeth recommends Pimm’s, which tastes like ginger ale and fruit. She suggests a darts contest, with the winner picking the loser’s next drink. Benton cracks an actual smile, enjoying himself, at least until Elizabeth hits the bull’s-eye after throwing her dart backwards.

Scott wakes up after surgery and tells Jeanie that since he agreed to have it, he wants his hockey tickets. She produces center-ice seats, which means Malik’s connection with the team must be really good. Scott asks Jeanie to stay with him so he’s not alone. Anna sticks around Chase’s apartment for a while, admiring some photos he’s taken. Carter says his cousin is very talented, which makes his addiction even more tragic. Anna admits that her med-school friend with drug problems wasn’t really a friend – he was her boyfriend. Carter admits that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but Anna thinks he’s handling things fine.

Benton has loosened up, either from the Pimm’s or the company, and he and Elizabeth are dancing at the pub. They’re having so much fun that they stay until closing. Elizabeth indicates that she wants to continue the date, but she doesn’t want to make a move while Benton’s tipsy. He tells her he had a great time.

Carol finally gets home hours after she was supposed to meet Doug. She didn’t call, so he was worried that something happened. Carol says she and Greg both had a tough day, so they were talking things through. After that, she went for a long walk so she could do some thinking. All the engagement/marriage talk is moving too fast, and she doesn’t think they’re ready. Doug says he is. Carol admits that she and Greg kissed, but things didn’t go further than that. Doug storms out, rejecting her apology.

Thoughts: I remember yelling, “Noooooo!” at Carol when this episode first aired. It’s okay, 15-year-old me. It’ll all be okay.

No way did Weaver not do her homework about Synergix’s closings before she pushed County to get in bed with them. No way was she that personally affected by her attraction to West that she wouldn’t do research.

Romano: “You know how it is with female surgeons.” Benton: “No, I don’t. Why don’t you tell me?” Is…is that…my respect for Benton? Is that what this feeling is?

Summary: Carol wakes Doug up at the end of a night shift, and they lament that they won’t be able to spend Christmas together the next day. Herb gets his picture taken pretending to shock a patient as he finishes up his stint as Mark’s lawyer. He’s made the whole lawsuit disappear, and even got Mark out of having to apologize to the Laws. Weaver’s spent the night with West in his hotel room, so…that happened.

On his way to work with a bunch of presents, Benton runs into Anna, who warns that Reese might spend his first Christmas playing with the boxes his presents came in. An ambulance arrives at the same time they reach County, and they pause to tend to the patient being brought in, a homeless man named Bart. He’s blind, but when Benton touches his forehead, Bart opens his eyes and starts exclaiming that he can see.

As the doctors move Bart into a trauma room and start treating him, he describes everything he sees, proving he really can see. Benton isn’t sure he was really blind before. Carol tries to get a nurse to swift shifts with her so she can spend Christmas with Doug, but she has no luck. She asks Carter if she should provide Millicent with anything special when she comes to see the clinic that afternoon. Carter warns that she’ll be under intense scrutiny.

Henry’s still working on completing his clerkship, and he thinks the only thing he has left to do is a major emergency procedure. Carter’s not sure that’s all he’s lacking, but he’s probably going to let that slide, since he’s eager to get rid of Henry. Cynthia learns that her credit card limit has been frozen, so she can’t pay for the present she picked out for Mark. He hasn’t gotten her present yet, either, so he offers to pay off her debt.

Paramedics bring in a seven-year-old who got stuck in the chimney while trying to find out if Santa could really fit. Carol tells an EMT named Greg that he can get cleaned up in the hospital, since he’s covered in soot. Henry asks to do the kid’s intubation, but Mark doesn’t want him to treat this as a teaching case. Jeanie wants to give some of County’s needles to a clinic patient so he doesn’t spread his Hepatitis B to people he’s been sharing with. Jeanie says the patient won’t report her – will Kerry?

Word of Benton’s supposed miracle has spread, and Carter teases him about it. Benton blows it off, then corrects Lydia when she says Bart is blind. He’s taken off, and Benton figures he just wanted some attention. Anna thinks he’s being too humble. West has arranged to work a shift with Weaver, so either he’s really into her or he’s playing some weird long con. Carol asks for a taxi voucher for Pablo, who’s misplaced his shoes. Weaver tells him he can wait in chairs instead of outside in the cold, so she’s in a good mood. West suggests that they make arrangements with a cab company for comped vouchers.

Carol officially meets Greg, who’s now squeaky clean. Carter gets a new patient, Vinnie, who has chest pain and isn’t doing well. West joins him and Henry for the trauma, and Henry asks to do any necessary intubations. Instead, he’s assigned to bag Vinnie, who keeps murmuring something about a woman named Maria. Elizabeth comes in to do some paperwork before heading to England for Christmas. Romano invites her to join him for Allison Beaumont’s next operation, which, if successful, will save her leg.

Carter, West, and Henry are unable to save Vinnie, but Carter figures Henry can still use his body to practice intubations. Vinnie’s brother, Joey, arrives just then and thinks that Vinnie’s still alive. Carter plays along as he rushes Joey out. Mark and Anna tend to a 67-year-old woman named Mrs. Larkin who was bound and gagged, then raped in her apartment. Chuny finds “whore” written on her stomach in black marker.

Jeanie goes to the lounge to take her medication but realizes she didn’t bring it to work with her. As Elizabeth and Romano operate on Allison, Jeanie asks Weaver to get her a dose of the medication she left at home. Weaver easily agrees. Carter and Henry tell Vinnie’s family that he didn’t make it, leaving out the part where he was already dead when Joey showed up. Henry tries to be helpful by telling Vinnie’s wife that his last thoughts were of her. Except – oops! – she’s not Maria. Maria is Joey’s wife. Stop helping, Henry.

Mark and Carol continue taking care of Mrs. Larkin, having to ask her questions about her assault. Hearing about it makes Mark think of his own attack, and he has to excuse himself from the room. Anna tells Benton that she looked up Bart’s records, and when he was in the year before, he was definitely blind. Benton wonders what Bart’s angle is. “The Lord words in mysterious ways,” Anna teases. Another homeless man comes in, having heard from Bart that Benton works miracles, and asks Benton to make him walk again. Benton says he can’t help.

Mark tells two detectives about Mrs. Larkin’s assault, getting annoyed when they question whether her memories are accurate. Elizabeth is about to leave for the airport when she learns that Allison, who’s been in a coma for the ten days since her car accident, is waking up. She’s still intubated, so she can’t speak, but she’s fine mentally and wants to know where her mother is. Elizabeth breaks the news that her mother died.

Mark finds a toy Cynthia bought, which she claims is for a friend’s child. Moments later, she comes clean: It’s for her own five-year-old son. She hasn’t seen him for three years and never mentioned to Mark that she had a child. He lives with his father and grandparents, and though Cynthia misses him, she knows that’s what’s best for him. Thanks to Mark’s money, she’s able to give him a nice Christmas present.

Carol tries to swap shifts with Chuny but again has no success. Millicent arrives for a tour of the clinic, dragging along Chase, who’s dressed as Santa. They realize a little Christmas tree near the admit desk is on fire, and Carol quickly puts it out with a fire extinguisher. The smoke sets off the sprinkler system. Womp womp. Weaver decides that the lights at the desk need to be taken down because they’re old and could be dangerous. She’ll let Cynthia’s brand-new light-up Rudolph stay, though.

After a quick change of clothes, Carol shows Millicent around the clinic. Carter runs into them and sees that Chase is filling in for their grandfather as Santa. Benton comes across Nat, who’s struggling with a broken floor buffer, and they chat about Reese’s first Christmas. When Benton pats Nat on the shoulder, the buffer starts working. Carol searches the lounge cabinets for decaf coffee, which doctors would never drink, because what’s the point? He tells her about Cynthia’s secret child, wondering if the fact that she didn’t mention him is a bad sign. Doug may have been right about her being a bad fit.

Elizabeth admits to Benton that she kind of wants to confess to Allison that her eagerness to do a special procedure led to Allison’s coma. She knows that it’ll make her feel better to let go of the guilt, but it won’t help Allison. Benton reminds her that she did her job, and everything has turned out fine, so there’s no point in bringing it up.

Mark talks to the detectives again, wanting more information on Mrs. Larkin’s case. He can tell they’re not that concerned with helping her. Carter helps Chase get some presents from the car to pass out to hospitalized kids. Carter’s relieved that their grandfather skipped the visit because now he doesn’t have to defend his decision to go into medicine. Chase notes that he still thinks Carter’s a surgeon, not back to being a lowly intern.

Henry wants to perform a spinal tap on a patient, but Carter tells him he misdiagnosed the flu. Maybe Carter should just let him finish his clerkship right now so he can go back to the lab and be far, far away from people. Carol introduces Millicent to Jeanie, who agrees to let Millicent shadow her for a while. Elizabeth extubates Allison, then decides she needs a head and neck surgeon.

Millicent observes as Jeanie chats with a teenager named Gina who’s pregnant and denies that she could have been exposed to HIV. She figures since she doesn’t sleep with drug users or gay guys, she’s not at risk. Jeanie reveals her own HIV status by saying she never slept with a gay man or drug user, either. Gina agrees to get tested.

Bart’s back, and he’s blind again. He asks Benton to touch him again and redo his miracle. Benton touches him, but nothing happens. Mark finishes up with Mrs. Larkin, who regrets having to miss Christmas Mass. She usually plays the organ, and she doesn’t think the church will be able to find a substitute in time. Mark tells her she shouldn’t worry about that. Mrs. Larkin admits that she hates her rapist, but she doesn’t want to be like that – as a Christian, she’s supposed to forgive. Mark says she doesn’t have to, but Mrs. Larkin knows hatred won’t undo what happened to her.

Mark leaves work a little early, telling Weaver and Cynthia that he has something to take care of. He also wants to hold off on making any plans with Cynthia. Carol finishes up Millicent’s tour and invites her to stay for a staff potluck. Millicent declines, probably because she’s never attended a potluck before. Carter finds Chase in Millicent’s limo, shooting up heroin. Chase says he’s not an addict; he just does it when he’s bored. Carter realizes that the spider bite he treated Chase for wasn’t really a spider bite. Carter isn’t interested in his medical opinion. They both clam up when Millicent joins them.

A neurologist finds a mass in Bart’s brain that explains his blindness. She can’t explain his brief return of sight, since the mass means he shouldn’t have been able to see anything for years. Elizabeth has missed her flight, so she’ll be spending Christmas in Chicago. Romano invites her to a party, but Elizabeth wants to wait for news on Allison, who may have paralyzed vocal chords.

Connie has Gladys Knight tickets on New Year’s and is desperate to change shifts with someone so she can go. Finally, Carol has someone to trade for her on Christmas. In more good news, Millicent has sent over a huge Christmas tree for the staff to enjoy, plus a check for $150,000 for the clinic.

Mark goes to the Laws’ house and tries to apologize to Kenny’s mother for not saving her son, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Chris comes out to confront him, and Mark says he knows now that Chris wasn’t the person who attacked him. Chris admits that he was happy when he heard someone hurt Mark. But even if the family had successfully sued Mark for medical malpractice, Kenny would still be dead. Chris can’t find any meaning in his brother’s death. Mark just says he’s sorry.

Benton tells Bart that he has a tumor, and though it’s operable, he probably won’t regain his sight once it’s out. Bart is still hopeful, since seeing anything today was also unlikely. He spent the day in the park with his guide dog, watching him in the snow. He’s pleased that he got to see something so beautiful. Carol tells Doug that she got the next day off, but she’ll have to work New Year’s. In a twist worthy of O. Henry, Doug switched shifts with Anna so he and Carol could work together on Christmas. Okay, not really; he’s just kidding.

Carol decides it’s time to tell their co-workers that they’re back together. She takes Doug to the potluck and announces that they’re seeing each other. No one gets the big deal. Turns out they all knew (except Weaver and Anna), and they’ve been taking bets on when the couple would finally come clean. Doug adds a surprise: He wants to marry Carol. He tells everyone to talk her into it. Carol doesn’t accept or reject the proposal, just teasing that Doug always has to outdo her.

Everyone goes outside to enjoy the tree and the snow. West invites Weaver to join him somewhere warmer for the holidays. She and Jeanie wish each other a Merry Christmas. Carter wants to skip his family’s party, so he tries to make plans with Anna. Henry has finished his last procedure, so Carter gives him his Christmas present – an evaluation that says he passed emergency medicine. It’s really a present for Carter, who no longer has to deal with him. As Elizabeth sits with Allison as she undergoes an exam, Cynthia and Mark spend the evening together. Benton leaves to spend Christmas with Reese, taking a moment to admire the tree.

Thoughts: Greg is played by George Eads, later Jorja Fox’s (Doyle) co-star on CSI.

Summary: Jerry plays She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not while Wendy decorates the front desk for Valentine’s Day. A woman named Mrs. Hall comes in with her daughter, Tatiana, wanting Doug to check her over. Tatiana doesn’t speak much English; Mrs. Hall adopted her from Russia just ten days earlier. Doug assures her that they’ll take good care of the girl. Susan teases Carter, who’s received lot of cards for Valentine’s Day.

Officer Al brings in a patient in a blanket, begging for help. Meanwhile, Carol sees Mrs. Hall leaving. Mark, Susan, and Carter lead a team taking care of Al’s patient, but the work stops when Benton arrives and learns that the patient is a dog. Al asks him to keep trying to save the pooch, but Benton only takes care of humans. Susan looks up animal anatomy while Carter gives the dog CPR. Mark intubates, and a chest x-ray shows that the dog has a collapsed lung. I wonder how much that x-ray cost the taxpayers of Chicago. Once the dog has been stabilized, Al kisses Lydia in celebration.

Carol has discovered that the now-missing Mrs. Hall gave them a fake phone number. It looks like she’s abandoned her new daughter in the hospital. Since Carol’s mother is Russian (I thought she was Ukrainian?), Carol speaks a little of the language and is able to have a brief conversation with Tatiana. Tatiana’s English seems to begin and end with “okay,” but they’re still able to communicate.

Mark’s cranky because of a crick in his neck, which he got from sleeping on the couch last night, because he and Jen aren’t getting along. He tells Susan that he’d be in an even worse mood if the dog had died. Doug tells Mark he’s working that night, as he always does on Valentine’s Day, so he doesn’t have to worry about “dating conflicts.” This means he’s available to tend to a 17-year-old whose legs were crushed in a train accident.

Carol doesn’t want Tatiana to have to stay in a room by herself, so she’s moved to a bed next to the dog, which has been dubbed Bill. Susan then pulls Carol away to help her with some cheerleaders who took acid. Their buddy Kirk thinks it’s funny. He put LSD in a box of chocolates but made sure the three girls only ate two each. Susan will be reporting this to the police and Kirk’s parents.

Doug asks Benton about some flowers and chocolates in the lounge that belong to him. Benton says they’re for a pediatrician he’s been dating. The train victim, Michael, comes in and has a seizure while the doctors are working on him. Wendy’s holding his hand at the time and winds up in pain. Chen checks in on the cheerleaders, who are mesmerized by a heart monitor. Kirk is napping, so he isn’t able to stop Chen from taking a couple of chocolates from his box.

Kayson comes by with flowers and a request for Susan to be his valentine. She doesn’t know how to respond. Mark complains that Bill will be sticking around until Al is off duty and can take him home. Tatiana sure isn’t complaining, though. The effects of the LSD make Chen find something fascinating about a blank wall. She tells Carter she’s “very okay.”

Doug and Carol tell a social worker that Tatiana appears to have been abandoned. The social worker tells them that they’ll have to send her to a foster home. Kayson is about to be released after his heart attack, which has changed his outlook on life. He thinks every cardiologist should have to have one. He also thinks Susan should go into the field; he’d love to mentor her. Susan would rather be anywhere but there, so I don’t think she’s going to accept Kayson’s dinner invitation.

Mark examines Wendy, who’s about as high on Demerol as Chen is on acid. Sadly, her injury was for nothing, as Michael died in the OR. Carol is upset about Tatiana’s abandonment, so Mark tries to distract her with a trauma. A man named Lorenzo has a meat hook embedded in his arm, courtesy of his son, Paulie. They had a fight after Paulie said something insulting about his mother. To his credit, Lorenzo’s worried about Paulie, who’s in worse shape than he is. His meat hook is in his chest.

Tatiana watches through a window as Mark and Carol try to shock Paulie’s heart back into rhythm. Carol finally realizes that Tatiana’s being exposed to something traumatic, and runs over to comfort her. Paulie doesn’t make it, so happy Valentine’s Day to Lorenzo and his wife. But Mark cheers up a little when he sees Doug wrangling a bunch of kids who are dressed up like candy hearts.

Doug asks Benton about his flowers and candy again; this time Benton says they’re for his mother. Chen wanders in, asking where exam 1 is, which makes Benton suspicious of her behavior. Carol checks on Tatiana, who’s been hanging out with Carter and Bill. She thinks the girl and the dog are good companions for each other since neither knows what’s going on. Carter tries to stay optimistic that Tatiana’s mother will come back for her.

Chen goes to the wrong exam room, having a moment of confusion when she sees Doug’s little heart girls dancing around. Then she goes to exam 1 to put a cast on Wendy’s hand. Wendy doesn’t think that’s a good idea. An elderly man named Ed is brought in after passing out and almost drowning in a hot tub. His two girlfriends are concerned about him. Tatiana has a high fever, and Carol wishes she knew more Russian so she could talk to her.

Jerry sends Benton to tend to a senile 85-year-old woman. Jake comes in with a stomachache, and Doug quickly starts examining him. Mark teases Susan a little about Kayson’s sudden affection for her. She tells him she turned down his dinner invitation, claiming she had plans with Mark. Then comes the kicker: Kayson is married.

Carol chats with Jake while Doug talks to Diane nearby. Diane’s sure that her son is faking his illness; he wants an excuse to be around Doug so Diane will have to spend time with him, too. Carol confirms that Jake is faking. Unfortunately, Tatiana really is sick – she has both pneumonia and AIDS. Benton’s senile patient, Mrs. Hayden, thinks she’s supposed to be cleaning her husband’s military uniform, though she can’t find any starch. Benton, who of course has experience with this sort of situation because of his mother, is very patient with her and even accepts when she offers to iron his uniform.

Carol’s furious that Tatiana’s mother abandoned her when she’s sick; no foster family is going to want to take her in. Doug says that the situation is what it is, so they just have to deal with it. Carol laments that they barely get to know their patients before treating them and sending them home. In this instance, Tatiana doesn’t have a home to go to. Carol goes to see the girl, who’s asleep, and says she’s sorry that Tatiana is going through so much upheaval. She’s glad Tatiana doesn’t understand what’s going on.

Mark’s next patient, Mrs. Goodwin, had an allergic reaction to shellfish that somehow made its way into her Valentine’s dinner. He and Susan stabilize her, but as they’re leaving her with the nurses, she starts bleeding. Susan thinks she perforated Mrs. Goodwin’s esophagus, but Mark says the complication wasn’t her fault. They determine that the woman has varices, which Susan guesses are from alcoholism. Once the patient is stable for real, Mark compliments Susan for making the diagnosis.

Now off-duty, Mark tries to convince Susan to go do something with him so her story to Kayson about her plans won’t be a lie. Carol spots Mrs. Hall in the hall (…heh) and coolly tells her that Tatiana can’t go home tonight. In fact, Carol doesn’t think Mrs. Hall will ever be able to take her home. Mrs. Hall admits that she doesn’t want to. Benton finds Mrs. Hayden ironing something with a tissue box and comments that she must have found the starch after all.

Mrs. Hall tells Carol that Tatiana was just diagnosed with AIDS last week. Mr. Hall died a few years ago, and Mrs. Hall never allowed herself to feel the loss until Tatiana’s diagnosis. She doesn’t want to let herself get close to someone else she’s just going to lose. She’s making the abandonment final by bringing Tatiana’s things to her. Carol reminds her how to say goodbye in Russian, but Mrs. Hall doesn’t bother to say it to her so-called daughter.

Benton goes home, where his mother has fallen asleep in front of an old movie. Mark and Susan go ice skating and discuss Morgenstern’s offer of an attending position for Mark. Jen still isn’t supportive, and Mark doesn’t want to think about having to make a decision right now. Back at the hospital, Jerry and Malik stare at Chen while she licks icing off a cupcake. Carter sees the cast Chen gave Wendy and cracks up. Tatiana has to say dosvedanya to Bill, who gets to go home with Al. But it looks like Carol is prepared to spend the night sitting with her.

Summary: Donna’s spending the evening at home, eating ice cream and talking to Felice on the phone. She insists that she’s not feeling sorry for herself just because she’s not dating anyone. Felice asks after David, and Donna says he’s still dating Camille. Kelly and Matt come home during the conversation and barely make it to the bedroom before starting to fool around. Donna’s like, “Great, everyone’s in a happy relationship except me.” Also, the walls in the bedrooms are really thin.

Donna turns on David’s radio show, where a guy’s complaining about how much women talk. The theme for the night is sexual fantasies, which David will rate for each caller. Camille calls in to talk about having sex in public. Donna’s night isn’t looking up at all. Why doesn’t she go hang out with her mom?

At the Peach Pit the next day, Kelly tells Steve and Janet about an ad campaign she’s working on for a guy named Borst who sells sausage. She asks if she can use Maddy for the campaign, but Steve doesn’t like the idea of his daughter becoming a child actress. Janet notes that Maddy can eventually use the money for college. She overrides Steve and agrees to the ad. Outside, Kelly runs into Dylan and Matt, who are planning a road trip that weekend. Kelly wonders what they’ll talk about, since she’s the only thing they have in common.

Donna tries to ignore happy couples at the boutique. She tells Camille she heard her on the radio, then almost gets a repeat performance when David calls to set up a date with Camille. Borst looks over the prospects for the commercial baby, easily settling on Maddy. “She’s lead bun,” another mother tells Janet. Janet’s proud.

At the After Dark, a customer named Ellen orders a martini but gets served a soda. Noah recognizes her from AA and doesn’t want to serve her alcohol. David swings by the boutique to pick up Camille, but she has to work late unexpectedly. David has a different idea, closing the doors and turning off the lights so they can have sex right there in the store.

Noah drives Ellen home, having stopped her from compromising her sobriety. He reminisces about his time on the ocean and suggests that they spend the night hanging out at the beach. Donna goes to the boutique after hours and catches David and Camille half-naked. Janet’s time on the commercial set has taken from her work responsibilities, but she thinks Maddy’s “career” is more important. She’s also baking cookies for someone in the front office. Steve tells her she’s out of control.

Noah and Ellen spent all night talking and falling luuuuuuuuv. When he takes her home, she asks him to stay with her. Camille tries to smooth things over with Donna, who’s disinfecting the floor of the boutique. Camille tells David that Donna’s overreacting because she wants him back. David argues that he didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah, sweetie, she didn’t say you did. Camille can’t believe that David doesn’t see what’s going on.

Borst wants to retool the ad, so Maddy’s no longer needed. Janet’s upset that her daughter’s losing her chance at a big break. Kelly tries to cheer her up by telling her the cookies were a big hit. Donna summons Kelly to the Peach Pit to tell her how uncomfortable things are at the boutique now. Kelly tells her to chill – as long as Donna doesn’t tell David how she feels, he’s free to see other people.

Speaking of Donna’s exes, Noah introduces Ellen to Donna and Kelly. Kelly talks Donna up, then leaves. The ensuing conversation between Donna and Ellen is even more awkward than the situation between Donna and Camille. Dylan and Matt head off on their road trip, which I think is just an excuse for Luke Perry and Daniel Cosgrove to ride dirt bikes. They come across a campground in the desert and are invited to a party.

Donna eats her feelings at the Peach Pit, trying to be happy that Noah’s found a nice new girlfriend. A dirt biker named Amy gives Matt a drink that he doesn’t realize has been spiked with acid. This sounds familiar. Noah finds Ellen at the Beverly Royale, where she’s been served a real martini. She thinks Donna disapproves of their relationship, and she doesn’t get why Noah would want to be with her, since she’s a loser temp. Noah reveals that he got Ellen a permanent job. Yay, all her problems are solved!

Kelly doesn’t like the way Borst’s ad has turned out, and she feels really bad that Janet and Maddy got shut out of it. She thinks Janet should come see what’s going on. In the desert, a delightfully stoned Matt thanks Dylan for arranging such an awesome trip. Janet visits the commercial set, where Steve has been cast as a Viking. Cue the sausage double entendres. Steve could end up in a national campaign, which thrills him. “I’m the Sausage King!” he cries.

David goes by the boutique to talk to Donna about what Camille thinks is going on with them. Instead, they reminisce about a high school dance they went to together, and Donna says that they’ve changed a lot since then. David decides not to bring up Camille’s suspicions that Donna wants him back.

In the desert, Matt tries to network while shirtless. He gets more punch, exclaiming, “I don’t do drugs!” and giggling when Amy tells him the secret ingredient. Dylan tells another partygoer that he and Matt are in love with the same woman, and Matt’s going to marry her. While the partygoer shows Dylan her tent, Matt and Amy start making out.

The next morning, Dylan’s happy and Matt is confused that there’s a woman in his sleeping bag who’s not his fiancée. Steve wears his Viking helmet around the house and is sad to hear that Borst changed his mind again. There are more sausage double entendres. Janet confiscates Steve’s hat. Dylan and Matt head home, trying to downplay the fact that Matt slept with Amy. When Matt gets back to the beach apartment, he doesn’t say a word about it to Kelly.

Thoughts: Ellen is played by Heidi Noelle Lenhart, who was on one of my favorite shows as a kid, California Dreams. (Think Saved by the Bell with singing.) Borst is played by Gary Grubbs.

Maddy is super-adorable, in or out of a hot dog costume.

Why would you introduce a new love interest for the show’s most boring character when there are only six episodes left? In other news, there are only six episodes left!

Summary: Matt’s been using his suspension from practicing law to work out a lot. David and Donna, both single now, have been spending time together but would like Matt to introduce them to new love interests. Kelly asks Matt to give legal advice to a janitor named Everardo who lost his job after being injured. Dylan and Gina go to a club opening that’s apparently a big event (Jennifer Lopez is there). Dylan and Josie make eyes at each other, but he assures Gina that he doesn’t care about her. They get their picture taken together for the paper, and Gina gets mad when Dylan says their status is “unknown.”

The next day, Gina complains to Donna and Kelly about Dylan’s behavior. Donna mentions that the boutique’s lease is almost up, so she and Kelly need to discuss resigning. Then she tells Gina to feel free to set her up with someone. A guy named Jerry comes in to use the phone, and Donna seems interested, so all Gina has to do to help is hand over Donna’s phone number. Janet interviews nannies while Steve, David, and Matt work on an alien-autopsy story for the Beverly Beat. After the candidate, Darby, leaves, Janet says she’s not getting the job because she’s too cute. Steve quickly guesses that Janet worries that he’ll fool around with Darby.

Kelly makes Dylan talk to her at the Peach Pit, telling him that Donna and David want to go up to the Hollywood sign. Dylan would rather be anywhere else right now. Kelly’s chased off when Gina arrives and shows Dylan that their picture in the paper might lead to a job as a spokesperson. She wants to hang out at the After Dark, even though they might not be alone. Matt meets with Everardo, warning that he only has two days before the statue of limitations runs out on his case. Since Matt’s still on suspension, he can’t take the case. Everardo’s upset that no lawyers are helping him.

Jerry stands Donna up, so she returns home to talk to Kelly about the boutique’s lease. She can tell Kelly isn’t that enthusiastic about staying on at the store. She remembers how the two of them and Brenda tried so hard to get matching schedules their junior year of high school. Now it looks like Kelly and Donna will be going separate ways again. But they’re still looking forward to the future, since there are still good things to come. And they’ve been friends for so long that they know they’ll stay in each other’s lives.

Janet and Steve interview another nanny, this one old enough to be a grandmother. Janet loves her, but soon changes her attitude when the woman talks about smudging the nursery to keep out demons. Steve doesn’t think they have time to look at more résumés, so Janet reluctantly agrees to hire Darby. David lands a date with a lawyer named Chrissy (Donna’s awestruck), which just makes Donna’s non-date with Jerry hurt even more. Jerry turns up with an excuse for why he stood Donna up, but she doesn’t want to hear it. David encourages her to give Jerry a second chance.

Kelly tells Matt that she’s leaving the boutique, and though she appreciates Donna’s support, she doesn’t know what to do with her life. Matt admits that he’s taking Everardo’s case despite his suspension. Kelly thinks she should go back to the boutique so they have some security. Matt’s like, “No, everything’s fine! Nothing will go wrong!” Gina and Dylan go out with Noah, Josie, and Shane, but things quickly get tense when Dylan bans Josie from doing drugs in their limo. Josie sprays everyone with champagne instead.

At the After Dark, Noah avoids David, who’s there with Chrissy. Gina whines that she doesn’t want to go in while she’s all wet, so Dylan gives the driver $1,000 to let them borrow the limo for a joyride. Donna and Jerry are off to a good start, but he pauses the date to take a call. Gina tells Dylan that his and Noah’s friends are just using him because he has money. Dylan doesn’t care – he’s sick of everyone else criticizing him all the time. His new friends don’t expect anything from him. The limo gets pulled over, and when the cops check it out, they find Josie’s cocaine and arrest Dylan and Gina.

The next day, Chrissy visits Matt to tell him that David told her he took Everardo’s case. Matt tries to downplay his involvement, but Chrissy knows better. She’s on the Bar Association’s ethics committee, and she doesn’t want to have to report him. Dylan and Gina have been at the police station all night, and since Matt’s on suspension, they don’t currently have a lawyer. A cop offers to go easy on them if they give him the name of their coke-using friend, who’s been trafficking. Dylan asks for an hour.

Steve and Janet meet with Darby at the Peach Pit, trying to get her to loosen up and stop calling them Mr. and Mrs. Sanders. It turns out she went to CU. She meets Noah, and the two of them are immediately attracted to each other. Steve pulls Noah aside to try to get him to keep his distance from Darby. Noah calms him down, though Steve has some rules for appropriate dating behavior. Darby tells Janet that she’s a little nervous about the date, so Janet reminds her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to.

Dylan goes to the After Dark to yell at Noah for hanging out with drug dealers. Noah gives up Josie’s name, revealing that Dylan slept with her. Kelly’s heard about the arrest and expresses concern, but Dylan doesn’t want to hear it. Later, Matt meets Kelly at the boutique, having successfully gotten Everardo a settlement. He hears a message from Donna mentioning that Kelly has put her name on the boutique’s lease after all. Now she’s locked in for three more years. She admits that she got cold feet about leaving. Matt urges her to stop seeing change as a bad thing.

Donna goes on another date with Jerry, but a romantic dance is interrupted by a woman slapping him and accusing him of cheating. It turns out Jerry’s married. Donna gives him a couple of slaps herself. The Bar Association has been notified that Matt represented Everardo, so he’s going to be reported. His suspension is upped, but Matt doesn’t seem to care. Kelly tells him her discomfort with how everyone in her group of friends is growing up and changing. She knows that clinging to the boutique is her way of trying to keep something the same, and she needs to let go.

David and Donna are back to being single; he doesn’t want to date the woman who ratted out Matt. But it looks like they’re having enough fun just hanging out with each other. Steve and Janet are pleased with Darby, and already feel like she’s part of the family. Darby’s on her date with Noah, and having a great time. He offers to take her home in the limo, and I don’t think he’s going to stick to Steve’s instructions to keep his hands to himself. Dylan lets Gina know that the charges against them have been dropped, but that doesn’t make her happy. Thanks to a news article about their arrests, Gina’s job offer has been rescinded.

Dylan heads to his own suite, where Shane’s waiting for him. He knows Dylan gave the police Josie’s name. Steve’s still up when Noah and Darby’s limo finally makes it to the Walshes’ house two hours past when Darby was supposed to be home. And yeah, they hooked up. After Darby goes upstairs, Noah tells Steve that she likes to use chocolate and whipped cream during sex. She was also on CU’s gymnastics team. That reminds Steve of a girl he hooked up with in college. Hey, guess what? That was Darby. Ruh-roh!

Thoughts: Ian Ziering directed this episode. Good for him.

The reminiscing in this episode makes me think that at this point they knew the show wouldn’t be coming back for another season.

Do Steve and Janet really need a live-in nanny?

Donna: “I noticed you forgot to date it next to your signature, so I fudged it myself. Is that illegal?” This episode has all kinds of rule-breakers.

Summary: The gang hangs out at the After Dark, where David complains that he has no exciting plans for his 24th birthday. The guys notice that Janet’s breasts are looking a little fuller. They don’t notice that she’s drinking mineral water because she’s pregnant. After Janet leaves, Steve decides that Janet had a boob job. Dylan offers to take a longer look if Steve needs confirmation. He thinks she didn’t tell Steve about the surgery because she doesn’t want him to think she’s vain. Steve thinks she’s trying to improve something about herself because she’s not happy.

Donna sighs as Noah does some flirting with Cherise. Janet and Kelly try to convince her that it’s not a big deal. They think she should tell Noah that Wayne is now out of the picture. Donna thinks the relationship is beyond repair. Matt asks Kelly to dance, but she’s clearly uncomfortable with close physical contact. He assures her that he’s not going to pressure her into anything she’s not ready for. She tells him they need to hold off until she feels safe again.

The next day, Dylan goes by David’s house to finish paying off his share of the rent. David rejects his thousand-dollar check, thinking Dylan’s trying to use money to get himself out of the mess with Gina. Dylan argues that he was getting back together with his girlfriend, so David has no place to object. Kelly calls to tell David that their annual family dinner is on. David’s still annoyed by his lack of exciting birthday plans. THEN MAKE SOME YOURSELF AND SHUT UP. Dylan leaves, having written out another check.

The gang is actually planning a big surprise party for David. Janet ducks out of planning, making Steve think that she’s trying to avoid him. Kelly assures him that Janet isn’t trying to break up with him. Donna chimes in, promising that Janet only spent the previous night with them because they got home late from the club. Kelly tells Janet that Steve is suspicious, so she needs to start announcing her pregnancy. Janet’s now far enough along that she’s felt the baby moving. Donna joins them, and Janet lets her in on her news. Donna and Kelly think Steve will be happy. They invite Janet to move in permanently.

A girl named Lucy is being escorted out of the Beverly Royale when she runs into Dylan. Dylan knew her when she was a kid; she’s now a teenager, at least. She’s also high and in the midst of being arrested. Dylan tries to advocate for her, but the cop who arrested her found joints in her room. Steve and Janet have a picnic together, but he worries that this is their last date before he gets dumped. Then he thinks she’s just going to tell him she got breast implants. Janet decides this is a bad time to tell him he’s going to be a father.

Dylan approaches Matt about Lucy, who, like him, raised herself at the hotel because her parents were always away. Matt confides that Lucy was found with so much crystal meth that she could be charged with trafficking. At the beach apartment, Kelly and Donna continue encouraging Janet to tell Steve about her pregnancy. After all, he used to date someone who had a child. Gina shows up to give Janet her key, and Donna realizes that they didn’t invite her to David’s party. Kelly lets her decide if they should tell her about it. Donna decides to do the nice thing.

Dylan bails Lucy out of jail, then lectures her about making poor decisions. He thinks she should go back to school. Lucy remembers watching Dylan get stoned and talk to girls about philosophy when he was in high school. She always wished he would talk to her. Then she wished she could be like him. Donna tries to talk to Noah about David’s party, quickly realizing that he’s not willing to have a civil conversation with her about anything. He doesn’t want to listen to her apologies.

David spots Gina in the midst of getting picked up by a guy and gives some broad advice on the radio about not being dumb. When she confronts him in his booth, he accuses her of using him to make Dylan jealous. She points out that he acted like her friend, which he knew she needed, but apparently wanted something else in return. That makes him the fake, not her.

Kelly and Matt hang out at the beach apartment, still a little awkward. Matt wants her to see her intimacy issues as theirs, not just hers. He wants to understand how she feels. She compares it to having your apartment robbed. Things don’t feel right even after the robber is caught. Matt insists that Kelly will get better. He has some ideas of how to help her.

Steve and Janet work late at the paper, and without any build-up, she finally tells him she’s pregnant. “That’s…unexpected,” he replies. She tells him she’s having the baby with or without him. Steve wishes he’d told her sooner so he could go to the doctor with her. Then he finds out that she’s known for months and is 16 weeks along. He’s unhappy that they’ve spent every day of the past three months together and she didn’t say anything. Janet lectures Steve about right and wrong all the time but has made big decisions behind his back.

At the Beverly Royale, Steve shares the news with the guys, not realizing that Gina’s listening from the next room. She thinks Matt can get Steve out of any responsibility. She points out that Janet might not even want money from Steve. Dylan reminds Steve that Janet is his girlfriend, so he can’t just ditch her. David thinks Steve should stay out of his child’s life if he’s not going to be involved regularly. Dylan starts to object, so David tells him to shut up – Steve’s young and doesn’t have Dylan’s millions. Dylan, unlike Steve, has no responsibilities.

David storms out, so Noah takes advantage of his absence to tell the others that Christina Aguilera will be at the club for David’s surprise party. This is the first Gina’s heard of it. She’s upset that David’s mad at her because of Dylan, but she’s not invited to the party while Dylan is. Dylan reminds her that he and David have known each other for ten years. He needs to fix things between the guys, and Gina being there won’t help. And it’s not like Gina would want to go anyway.

Matt gives Kelly a book about intimacy after trauma and asks her to go to the author’s seminar with him. But they go to the wrong seminar – this one is about overcoming shyness. The first activity is using their necks to pass oranges to other people. It looks like it might be a good first step for Kelly, but it’s not. At the Beverly Beat, Janet tries to explain to Steve why she held off on telling him about the baby. He’s mad that they no longer have options to discuss. She thinks that means he would have told her to have an abortion, but he says he just wanted more time to process it.

Matt takes an orange from the seminar and asks Kelly to try the task again. This time it works. He asks her to tell him what she wants him to do. Kelly likes how he used to unconsciously drape an arm around her; now she can’t stand being touched. She warns him to never sneak up behind her. But she would like him to hold her and make her feel safe, so he does.

Dylan meets Lucy again, and it sounds like Matt got her charges dropped. She claims she’s done with drugs, but he can tell she’s high. She’s annoyed that he keeps bugging her about college. Lucy says she’ll go to college when Dylan does. He invites her to an NA meeting with him, but she notes that he used to go to AA, and here he is, drinking. Dylan tells her that some alcoholics can handle a drink. Yeah, maybe not the right thing to say to a teen addict who probably thinks she can “handle” a little meth.

Gina calls David, asking him to come help her with a flat tire. Then she punctures her own tire. Oh, Gina. Dylan gives Lucy a college course catalog, telling her that he’s called her bluff and reenrolled. She agrees to look through the catalog. Dylan’s annoyed that she backed him into this corner. Kelly goes to get David for his surprise party, but he’s out rescuing Gina from her fake emergency. When she calls, Gina answers and pretends it’s a wrong number.

Kelly joins everyone else at the After Dark, reporting that Gina intercepted the birthday boy. David left a message for Kelly telling her that he went to help Gina with a flat. Janet wonders if they can cut the cake without him. Steve admits that the guys accidentally let Gina in on the party plans. “Why am I supposed to hate her again?” he asks. Gina tries to get David to hang out with her, which David doesn’t get. He knows she called him because she knew he would help. He wants to say this is the last time, but he’ll always be willing to help her. Gina convinces him to let her take him for a drink.

Some up-and-comer named Christina Aguilera performs at the club, where the gang decides the party is a bust. However, Gina has brought David there, having decided to do something nice for once. She tells him she likes who she is with him. David thanks her with a kiss, then says, “Too bad you’re not with me.” Gina sends him inside ahead of her, shaken by the turn of events (and also not wanting to go to the party). He’s confused when she drives off. Things become clear when he goes inside and realizes his friends are waiting for him.

Kelly and Janet demand a speech, so David says that he’s a little embarrassed, but also touched. They’ve been friends for a long time and have done so many things together. He thought he was going to spend the evening with his family, and in a weird way, that’s what happened. Christina sings again and I hit fast-forward. As the gang cuts the cake, David tells Dylan that he was with Gina, and things are better between them. They seem to be better between the guys, too.

Janet storms into the men’s room to yell at Steve for getting her pregnant. Also, it happened while they were camping. She admits that she wishes she’d told him sooner. If he doesn’t want the baby, she’ll understand and won’t ask him for anything. Now he gets to make a choice. Dylan goes home to Gina, praising her for doing something good with David. Lucy drops by, struggling with withdrawal, and asks Dylan to take her to rehab the next morning. After, she’ll be going to school on the East Coast. They agree to keep each other apprised of their grades. At the Walshes’, Steve shoots baskets in the middle of the night, telling Matt he hasn’t decided what to do yet.

Thoughts: Again I ask: Why is Noah on this show? He only really talks to Donna, and he barely does that. It’s like he’s on a completely different show.

I love Janet and all, but she should have told Steve about the baby earlier. I’m sure he would have freaked out, but he would have calmed down after a little while.

Finally, someone called Dylan on his drinking! Thanks, drug addict who hasn’t seen him for years!

Aww, it’s itty-bitty young Christina Aguilera from the “Genie in a Bottle” era. This show is like a time machine.

Summary: If you remember way back to Good-bye, Elizabeth, Liz has just decided to stay in Sweet Valley instead of following Scott to Denver. She and Tom are now back together. Also, Jessica and Nick are still dating but having some trouble because he doesn’t want to be a cop anymore. Jess thinks he’s boring now that he wants to go to college and become a lawyer. So when Jess meets bad boy Clay DiPalma, she’s more than a little interested.

Isabella also meets Clay, though she’s not interested in him romantically. He flirts with her while she’s helping out with a Theta fundraiser, even after she tells him she has a boyfriend. Said boyfriend, by the way, has suddenly become a huge jerk. He sees Isabella and Clay together and Hulks out, basically accusing her of cheating on him. They make up, because Isabella has more patience than I do, but fight again when Isabella asks Danny to go to a frat party that all the Thetas have to attend. He only agrees to go so he can make sure she doesn’t hook up with any other guys.

Clay also flirts with Jessica, who, unlike Isabella, doesn’t mention that she has a boyfriend. Nick catches them talking and also Hulks out, punching Clay in the face. Now Jessica’s interest in Nick is rekindled – who wouldn’t want to be with a tough guy who punches other men? This is all very Jess/Rory/Dean, only without Nick dropping Jessica at the tail end of a dance marathon.

Clay shows up at the frat party, and since Danny’s being a drag, Isabella’s now interested. Nick tells her and Jessica that Clay is clearly bad news, which just makes Isabella want to get to know him more. She starts dancing with a bunch of guys, so Danny tries to get her to leave, because clearly this kind of behavior means she’s a slut. When Isabella refuses to go, Danny storms off. Isabella starts drinking, then smokes a cigarette with Clay, even though she doesn’t smoke.

This is where things go pear-shaped. Clearly there’s something in the cigarette other than tobacco, because Isabella starts hallucinating. She thinks monsters are after her, so she runs upstairs and jumps off a balcony. This is probably the best anti-drug PSA any Sweet Valley book has ever presented. Jessica and Lila find Isabella unconscious on the lawn and are understandably panicked. They tell Nick that they saw her with Clay, who has since disappeared, and Nick figures out that Clay must have put drugs in the cigarette. Tests confirm that the cigarette was laced with PCP.

Isabella spends the rest of the book unconscious, in danger of slipping into a coma. Danny’s upset, of course – but with Isabella herself, not just with the situation. If she hadn’t been whoring it up and smoking, everything would be fine. At one point he literally says that she got what she deserved. If what she deserved was the realization that she shouldn’t be with a jealous, possessive jerk, then yes, she got what she deserved.

Isabella’s condition starts affecting Danny’s grades, because he’s still doing schoolwork even though his girlfriend is at death’s door. His biochemistry professor is especially unsympathetic. Danny accidentally takes a copy of a big exam coming up, but returns it to her without looking at it, even though it could save his grade. The professor accuses him of stealing the test and threatens to fail him. Danny’s like, “Another thing Isabella screwed up for me.” Hey, Danny? Shut up.

Other people involved in this storyline are focusing less on Isabella’s behavior and more on bringing Clay to justice. Even though he’s technically off the police force, Nick decides to do some investigating on his own. He ties Clay to a big-time drug dealer responsible for all the drugs in Sweet Valley. Jessica pressures him into trying to take down Clay by himself, since the cops at the SVPD aren’t qualified. Shh, Jess. I mean, she’s not wrong, but this is still a bad idea.

Jessica proves to be a pretty good investigator herself, calling a friend who tells her where Clay bought a motorcycle he was talking about at the party. Through the motorcycle shop, Nick gets Clay’s phone number and pretends he wants to buy drugs. To no one’s surprise, Jessica wants to come along on the sting. Also to no one’s surprise, Nick is unable to convince her to stay away, so the two of them head to a run-down house to meet Clay.

Nick goes inside while Jessica listens at a window. Clay, who happens to be high, knows that Nick is a cop. He knocks Nick out, then decides to shoot him. Then he changes his mind and just leaves while Nick goes in and out of consciousness. I guess this is supposed to be a cliffhanger ending?

In other news, Elizabeth and Tom are super-happy to be back together, especially with Scott halfway across the country. Scott keeps trying to contact Liz, though, telling her how great things are in Denver and how she should regret not coming with him. But it turns out that Scott has been expelled from the DCIR for plagiarism, fabricating sources, and altering his transcript. Awesome. Elizabeth is very relieved that she stayed in Sweet Valley.

But there’s trouble in paradise. Tom has a deep, dark secret that makes him feel guilty through the whole book. At the end of the book, Elizabeth learns what it is. She finds a half-empty box of condoms in Tom’s room and realizes that he and Dana must have had sex. Oh, no! Two consenting adults with romantic feelings for each other had protected sex! It’s a scandal!

Thoughts: The title Sneaking In makes no sense. No one sneaks in anywhere.

This book is supposed to take place just a couple weeks after Good-bye, Elizabeth. Does that mean the last five books never happened? Then why did I have to read them?

“I’m used to Danny’s insane jealousy.” Sounds like a healthy relationship to me! Also, since when is Danny insanely jealous? He always seemed pretty normal to me.

Going to a drug deal with only Jessica as backup puts Nick in the running for dumbest cop ever. Which explains why he worked for the SVPD.

I assume Tom wasn’t a virgin before he and Elizabeth started dating, so what does it matter if he slept with Dana? He didn’t cheat on Liz. Why does she care?

This isn’t even close to the worse thing someone’s worn to an awards show. Everyone needs to calm down

Summary:Donna’s okay, but Kelly’s still shaken up, and she’s not happy that Matt didn’t do more to rein in Dylan. Matt reminds her that their conversations fell under attorney-client privilege. He points out that Dylan’s actions are his own responsibility. David, Steve, and Noah corner Dylan to confront him for his drug use and his recent behavior. They want to help him, but Dylan thinks he can handle things on his own. Donna shows up and assures Dylan that she knows he didn’t mean to hurt her. She convinces him to let the gang help him.

Janet and some hot guy named Trey bring their dogs to the Beverly Beat, announcing that they’re going to mate. Steve thinks they mean themselves, not the dogs. He’s jealous at first but gives them her blessing. She asks him to watch her dog, Georgia, to keep her away from Trey’s dog until it’s time for them to mate. I wouldn’t trust Steve with a pet rock, let alone a dog, but okay. Kelly tries to freeze Gina out of the gang’s plans for Dylan, since she’s mishandled things so far.

A singer named Clara is playing at the After Dark, and she mentions to Noah that the dress she’s supposed to wear to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards is hideous. Noah advises her to get in touch with Donna. Steve takes Georgia to a dog park, where he flirts with another dog owner. The gang gets Dylan into a methadone clinic, and Kelly recommends that he get rid of his physical cravings through rapid detox. Gina attempts to be helpful but no one cares what she has to say. Matt reminds Dylan that he’s facing ten years for drug possession.

Steve makes plans with the dog owner, then finally turns his attention back to Georgia. Too bad he’s too late to stop Georgia from mating with a mutt. Noah takes Clara to the boutique to see if she likes Donna’s style. Donna’s nervous about Clara wanting her to design a dress because that could launch her into a huge career. Clara does, indeed, want a Donna Martin original. She also wants Noah. Dylan sneaks out in the middle of the night, and in the morning, no one knows where he is. They all split up to search.

Noah can’t believe Donna’s so forgiving of Dylan that she’s willing to go look for him. He tells her that Clara asked him to be her date to the awards, and Donna says it’s okay. Kelly and Matt go to the beach, since she and Dylan once made a pact to meet up there in case something ever happened. She apologizes again for blaming Matt for Dylan’s behavior, and Matt asks her to stop blaming Gina as well. After all, Dylan’s the only one who’s going to have to defend himself in court.

Janet learns that Georgia’s mating session hasn’t been successful. Steve has to confess what happened in the dog park, blaming Georgia for not listening when he told her to sit. Dylan goes through withdrawal on the beach while everyone continues searching for him. Gina blames herself, since she’s known about his addiction for so long. David says that Dylan would have gotten high no matter what Gina did to try to help him. Gina admits that she wasn’t completely helpful, since she provided the drugs that Dylan got high off of at the barbecue.

Kelly tries to smooth things over with Matt, feeling bad that her past keeps coming up. He’s fine with her being friends with her exes, but the way he talks about them makes her feel like she has to choose sides. Matt says that he feels like she already has. They find Dylan on the porch at the beach apartment, begging for help. They take him to the hospital, where he undergoes rapid detox. Donna leaves to work on Clara’s dress, and there’s a really nice scene where David is sweet and supportive of her possible big break.

Kelly and Matt bicker, and then he leaves. Gina takes his place, upset that no one told her that Dylan was found. She blasts Kelly for taking care of her boyfriend. Kelly says that Dylan asked her, not Gina, for help, and it’s not like Gina’s been so helpful recently. Gina announces that she’s not going anywhere, so Kelly needs to get used to it. Steve takes Janet to the dog park to find the mutt Georgia mated with. He calls her shallow for not thinking the mutt is a good match for Georgia. Janet meets the woman who distracted Steve and is like, “Now who’s shallow?”

Donna finishes the dress while Matt tries to make a deal with Dylan’s prosecutor. He argues that there wasn’t really an assault (I guess it’s legal to hold people at gunpoint in their own home?), and the police had not probable cause to search his motorcycle for drugs. The prosecutor is willing to drop the possession charge but not the assault charge. Matt asks for a second chance for the guy whose wife and father died right in front of him. The prosecutor agrees to lower the charges to trespassing and give Dylan a fine, community service, and required rehab.

Donna, David, and Steve watch the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards red carpet, which is anything but blockbuster. Clara has redesigned the dress herself to make it much more of a rock-star ensemble. Donna flips out as Noah tells Nancy O’Dell and the audience where they can get their own Donna Martin designs. Matt tries to be friendly to Gina, which is probably confusing for her because no one’s ever nice to her. He tells Kelly that Dylan is no longer facing jail time. Now the DA will probably take things out on one of Matt’s future clients, which means, as usual, someone else will pay for Dylan’s mistakes.

Just then, Dylan suffers an irregular heartbeat and has to be shocked back into normalcy. The doctor thinks he’ll be fine once he’s done with withdrawal. Gina decides to spend the night, but Kelly’s reluctant to leave. Matt asks her to think about whether she’s staying as Dylan’s friend or as something more. Clara makes the worst-dressed list for her dress, so Noah thinks he’s ruined Donna’s career.

Gina tells Kelly about her mom, Bobbi, who’s overweight and always asked other people to do things for her. Gina got used to having people depend on her, and it made her feel important, which explains why she kept enabling Dylan. Kelly finally admits that Dylan’s behavior is his own fault, not Gina’s. When he’s awake and ready for visitors, Kelly lets Gina go in without her. Dylan claims to be happy to see Gina rather than Kelly.

Janet tells Steve that Georgia’s impromptu mating session didn’t end in pregnancy, and she’s decided not to pursue mating with Trey’s dog. Georgia liked the mutt better, and Janet admits that she did, too, since it had more personality. We get it – Janet likes Steve even though Trey is hotter. I think she’s crazy. Donna gets a bunch of teenage customers at the boutique who want to shop where Clara got her dress. They’ll wear whatever she wears, no matter how crazy it looks.

Dylan thinks David’s going to kick him out of the house, but David’s willing to let him stay. Kelly interrupts a phone call between Matt and someone named Lauren to tell Matt that she wants to be with him, not Dylan. She asks Matt to forgive her for having baggage. He tells her she’s not the only one with a past. After Kelly leaves, Matt and Lauren say “I love you” to each other. Looks like the love triangle has become a love square.

Thoughts: Clara is played by Rosa Blasi, who’s been in a bunch of stuff.

Lauren is played by Cari Shayne, who was Julia’s friend Nina on Party of Five. She was also on General Hospital when Vanessa Marcil was on.

One of the possible side effects of rapid detox is psychological trauma. Sounds like a party! I guess we should be grateful that we were spared another round of Jack McKay hallucinations.

Summary: Dylan goes out to Marchette’s mansion to confront him (with a gun) for moving Toni’s body. Instead, he ends up holding the people who now live there at gunpoint. They tell him that Marchette committed suicide after Toni died. Matt teases Kelly for not wanting to use his toothbrush even though they just had sex. Janet warns Donna and Noah (who are about to have sex themselves) that Steve’s in a bad mood because all the guys from his seminar are mad at him.

Gina’s waiting for Dylan when he gets home, desperate to keep him from using. She tells David that Dylan has the flu and will spend the night with her at the beach apartment. After he sleeps for a while, Gina confronts him over buying a gun and going after Marchette. She promises to stay with him and help him through withdrawal. Dylan doesn’t think she’ll want to be with him after seeing him like that.

Steve complains to Janet about how Kelly told all of the girls at the After Dark to go slowly (which he thinks made them turn down the seminar attendees), then went and had sex with Matt. Janet points out that they’ve been dating for a while. Plus, Steve shouldn’t consider his attendees having sex with people they just met to be a triumph. To add insult to injury, everyone in the class demands their money back, wanting to take Steve to small-claims court. David admits that he used the dead-grandmother story and scored.

The Martins are off on vacation in Amish country, so Noah suggests that he and Donna housesit for them. Donna isn’t really into having a romantic weekend in her childhood home. But since there are so many people hanging out at the Walsh house nowadays, it’s hard for them to find privacy, so Donna changes her mind. Kelly gives Matt a toothbrush to keep for her at the Walshes’ house. He introduces her to someone as his friend, which bugs her.

Steve tells Matt that he’s being taken to court, but since it’s small-claims, lawyers aren’t allowed. He suggests that they go on the show Judge Mary. Steve likes the idea of getting some publicity while he’s garnering sympathy. Matt’s like, “The judge is a woman. She’ll hate you.” Kelly tells Donna about the toothbrush, kicking herself for being so forward and only being rewarded with the “friend” label. Donna urges her to play it cool. She admits that she’s a little jealous because Kelly’s at the start of a relationship, which is always fun.

Dylan and Gina are all happy at the beach apartment, but when he won’t eat, she thinks he’s wasted. Because cooking spaghetti for someone you thought was going through withdrawal was a good idea? David goes on a date with Gertrude, the woman he picked up using Steve’s story. She encourages him to talk to the kids in her community-center program because, like some of them, he’s an orphan. Wow, this woman is naïve.

Someone called the cops after seeing Dylan’s motorcycle at Marchette’s mansion, and they track Dylan down. To make matters worse, they find drugs on him, so Dylan will be spending the night in lockup. Donna and Noah are excited to have privacy at her parents’ house, but it lasts for about ten seconds. All the carpets in the house are being replaced, so there will be workmen in and out. Womp womp!

Gina visits Dylan in lockup, where he demands that she bring Matt to get him out. She knows he just wants to be released so he can get drugs. Steve goes on Judge Mary, whose eponymous ruler doesn’t seem to like anyone involved. Steve’s anxious because David, his “star witness,” hasn’t arrived. Kelly tries to make plans with Matt, but he’s busy. She’s not exactly taking Donna’s advice, since one of her suggestions for something to do is taking a trip to Santa Monica.

Gina arrives to announce that Dylan was arrested. Kelly tells her that she knew Marchette was dead but didn’t tell Dylan because he doesn’t like to talk about the family. Gina makes her leave before she tells Matt about the drugs. Janet tries to leave the courtroom when they show the video of Steve practicing his dead-grandmother story on her. Judge Mary calls her to testify about the technique. David arrives but doesn’t want to have to admit that the line worked, since he actually likes Gertrude.

Dylan is facing jail time for the drugs and assault, and if he pleads guilty, he won’t get bail. Matt says he has to spend at least 48 more hours in lockup before his arraignment. If he does make bail, Matt will make him go to rehab. Gina comes for another visit, and Dylan asks her to bring him some drugs from his stash. He’s already pretty sick, so he’s desperate. Gina won’t do what he asks.

Judge Mary rules that even though David may have had success with one of Steve’s techniques, and even though the seminar attendees might not have applied the techniques properly, the plaintiffs should get their money back. Noah and Donna try to find a place to have sex, since, as she already pointed out, they’re in childhood home. They settle on the hallway. Sexy.

Kelly and Matt have dinner at the beach apartment, talking about Dylan. Also sexy. She wonders if Matt still thinks there’s something going on between her and Dylan. Matt assures her that everything with them is fine, and Dylan isn’t the reason he didn’t want to go away for the weekend – it’s a money issue. Kelly finally mentions that she’s annoyed that Matt called her a “friend.” Matt goes outside and yells that Kelly’s his girlfriend.

Donna and Noah almost get fined for accidentally setting off the house alarm while trying to have sex. They really got the lame plotline in this episode, didn’t they? Dylan calls Gina to ask again for drugs. He wants to feel well when he goes to rehab after his arraignment the next day. Gina refuses again but is less adamant this time.

Noah and Donna finally get some alone time in the pool, just before everyone comes over for a barbecue. Matt gets Dylan out of jail so he can go to rehab, but Gina hasn’t shown up with his drugs, so he’s anxious. Matt wants Dylan to go to the barbecue with him and let his friends know what’s going on so they can support him. He warns Dylan that he’ll go back to jail if he uses again, no matter how rich he is.

Donna and Janet tease David about his new relationship; he says he doesn’t want his friends to meet Gertrude yet because they’re taking things slowly. Everyone notices that Dylan doesn’t look great. Even though he lost on Judge Mary, Steve’s thrilled to get some publicity (and he gets to be on TV). While the gang watches his episode, Gina arrives with Dylan’s drugs. She realizes once again that he’s using her.

Gertrude shows up, having been secretly invited by Janet, who used to volunteer at the community center. Of course, she sees him on Judge Mary and learns that the story he told her was a lie. So that’s it for David and Gertrude. Janet doesn’t feel bad at all, which is pretty funny. Donna catches Gina and Dylan fighting, and as Dylan starts talking to Donna, he accidentally knocks her into the pool. She hits her head and loses consciousness while Dylan spaces out. Steve and David pull Donna out of the water and Noah tries to revive her with CPR. Dylan’s in la-la land.

Thoughts: Judge Mary is played by Cristine Rose, who I last recapped on “Party of Five.”

Steve offered a money-back guarantee on the seminar, so the attendees didn’t need to take him to court. They just needed to ask for their money back. The plot would have made more sense if they’d asked for the money, Steve had refused, and they’d taken him to court to get it.