Recommended Posts

I was thinking about it recently. I guess I never truly stopped thinking about him, I just started thinking about him in a different way-- from being terrified to wanting to kick his ass or something. I liked how I could see how much stronger I am, and how I'm not afraid anymore, but it would be nice if he would just not be in my head for a day. I feel like I've never gone a full day without his memory popping in for a second or two. Is there ever a time where it stops affecting you daily?

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

hunni i know it may not seem like it now... but you will be able to go days without thinking about it.. without him ruining your day...

its taken me years and alot of councelling.. but i get days where its not there... sometimes a few days in a row... you will get there hunni... its going to take time and effort.. but i can say from experience its worth it hunni... even though it may seem impossible now

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

After three years, for me it goes in spurts. I live a town over now and that helps, I couldn't stop thinking about it at all until I moved. Now I'll go a few weeks where I think of nothing else, especially this time of year, but it gets better.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I feel like a change of scenery will be good for me in terms of moving on. I still go to the college where it happened, and I spend 80% or more of my year here, so it's been difficult to really get away from it. It's not devastating anymore, at least, just a little irritating now and then. Sometimes it doesn't even bother me when I'm reminded of him. It's good to know that it gets better.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Definitely possible to not be plagued by thoughts every day. When I started healing it was hard and thought about it, intrusive thoughts, a lot.

Most of the time I don't think about it much for weeks (and the thoughts don't bother me so much anymore so it doesn't upset me like it used to), occasionally, often at certain times of year I think about it more (not that I have any specific umm Anniversary as it's called here date - and why call it an Anniversary, not something to celebrate, maybe a good time to burn voodoo dolls of the perp or something lol) and it does get me down and of course coming to a site like this does get one thinking about it - hmm how healthy are sites like this when one is feeling OK for the most part, what do you all think?

So many people here seem to be in crisis, or hurting so much especially sexually etc, it's hard to know what to say or where to start to help cause there are so many needing help and who seem just so lost, or blaming of themselves etc etc.

Back to the point, It's not like I've pushed it away but I probably don't think about it too much more than other childhood or earlier memories - yeah it happened, it's there, but I'm not there anymore. I agree with mel from melbourne about a good lot of really good counselling helps, I'll also add that good (RL) friends, people who are like family also help a lot

Still unsure of the usefulness of the website stuff there is around (I've only just started checking it out since I got broadband) other than to offer advice to others - I guess I'm asking people if they think these sites be counter productive when one gets to a certain stage in healing (cause of course coming on makes me think of the issue more, not that it should be ignored, I guess I've kind of accepted it happened and for the most part moved on - making me question why I joined a support site, and probably why I'm posting here lol, maybe this needs to be a whole topic on here).

Sorry I'm rambling and don't want to hijack your thread.

In time I have found it does get better, and when I say time, I mean a lot of it, like 10-20 years on and off of healing - but that's an individual thing I think the time factor and it depends on what happened to you as well and how long ago - I'm a survivor of quite severe child abuse.

Hope that helped, and starts a discussion perhaps.

Edited to add: A change of scenery definitely helps, I don't think I really started healing (despite a bit of counseling I got through my school) until I moved away from my parent's place to go to University.

Edited December 5, 2010 by skycat

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I wonder about how helpful sites like this are, too. I used to be on here all the time, and it seemed more destructive sometimes. I was curious about whether or not my healing was hindered by it, but looking back on it, as much as I did revel in my pain on here now and then, I really got everything out.

It was kind of like ripping off a band-aid as opposed to rinsing it under hot water for several minutes and then letting it fall off on it's own. I really could've just worked through it on my own and avoided a lot of heartbreak and pain, but it may have stuck with me a lot longer and I know I would've spent a long time waiting for relief to come rather than just deciding to find it for myself. This website and the people on it helped me to lay all of the trauma out in front of me, but as something concrete and separate from myself in a way. It was a strange sort of clarity I don't know if I would've achieved otherwise. I was able to tackle the trauma head on, but there was a lot of residual pain involved.

It's weird to think about, but it's almost made my trauma into an emotional tumor. I could identify it as something that was technically a part of me, but it wasn't supposed to be there and it could be removed. I could see that what I was feeling and experiencing wasn't mine, it was something influencing me and it could be taken care of. Being able to separate what had happened from myself was huge. Here I could see the same issues and trends plaguing multiple people and understand that this was something that was not my fault. I was not causing this pain. It was something else, and once I could identify it I could work on removing it from my emotional self. Relapses happen, of course, but it gets easier. This site was like chemo to my metaphoric emotional tumor. More pain than if I had just left it alone initially, but the results were worth it.

... I'm rambling a little, but I have a paper to write and I don't really want to, so it was bound to happen. I hope that all made sense. This site can be counter productive in certain short run situations, but in the long run-- for me-- it can really help.

I've been better at not thinking about it recently. It's starting to get to the point where I only think about him when I remember that I haven't thought about him in a while. Then it's like I'm winning or something.

btw, you totally weren't hijacking. The first post just started the thread. for all I care, we could spend the next three pages of it discussing pictures of bunnies or the appropriate way to put on pants-- I am told that you're actually not supposed to put them on my feeling around in the dark closet until you find something that vaguely resembles something that feels like pants. (I have a roommate who goes to bed earlier than I do, so I try not to wake her up through turning on the lights.)

I'm being ridiculous, now, so I'm going to stop before I make a fool of myself. :D

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I was thinking about it recently. I guess I never truly stopped thinking about him, I just started thinking about him in a different way-- from being terrified to wanting to kick his ass or something. I liked how I could see how much stronger I am, and how I'm not afraid anymore, but it would be nice if he would just not be in my head for a day. I feel like I've never gone a full day without his memory popping in for a second or two. Is there ever a time where it stops affecting you daily?

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Yes it is possible. It took me 5 years but I don't think about it every day. Maybe once or twice a week and I'm sure with time even that will become less. It's no where near as often nor as debilitating. My past doesn't rule my present anymore. It's a nice feeling. You can get there too

Also, I too felt at times this site might have done more harm than good at a few times during the years. I used to live here, but many times I needed it. I need the support and understanding. I was unable to function in the real world and this was my safe place. I have had several therapists tell me they didn't think I should be here. They simply couldn't understand needing more than therapy and pills to feel better. Seems the more I heal I less I need AS. I've gone months and months without coming here. It makes me feel bad cause I miss it but at the same time most of the time I struggle reading posts because they will just drag me back down and I don't want to live in the dark numb place I spent so long in anymore. It's not anyone's fault, just part of the healing process I think. I rarely see anyone here who was here when I first joined and when I do it's obvious they are not where they were all those years ago. Everyone heals and life goes on. Those in the very depths and core of their struggle now will most likely find themselves in a very different place in a few years. A happier place where their past haunts them less. It seems unfathomable but I never thought it would happen either for me, but it has.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Interests:"I'd like to choose right. Take all the things that I've said that he stole, put 'em in a sack, swing 'em over my shoulder, turn on my heels, step out of this sight. Try to live in a lovelier light." - Fiona Apple, Not About Love<br /><br />"I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb, but I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time. If there was a better way to go it would find me. Be kind to me, or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine." - Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine

I wonder about how helpful sites like this are, too. I used to be on here all the time, and it seemed more destructive sometimes. I was curious about whether or not my healing was hindered by it, but looking back on it, as much as I did revel in my pain on here now and then, I really got everything out.

It was kind of like ripping off a band-aid as opposed to rinsing it under hot water for several minutes and then letting it fall off on it's own. I really could've just worked through it on my own and avoided a lot of heartbreak and pain, but it may have stuck with me a lot longer and I know I would've spent a long time waiting for relief to come rather than just deciding to find it for myself. This website and the people on it helped me to lay all of the trauma out in front of me, but as something concrete and separate from myself in a way. It was a strange sort of clarity I don't know if I would've achieved otherwise. I was able to tackle the trauma head on, but there was a lot of residual pain involved.

It's weird to think about, but it's almost made my trauma into an emotional tumor. I could identify it as something that was technically a part of me, but it wasn't supposed to be there and it could be removed. I could see that what I was feeling and experiencing wasn't mine, it was something influencing me and it could be taken care of. Being able to separate what had happened from myself was huge. Here I could see the same issues and trends plaguing multiple people and understand that this was something that was not my fault. I was not causing this pain. It was something else, and once I could identify it I could work on removing it from my emotional self. Relapses happen, of course, but it gets easier. This site was like chemo to my metaphoric emotional tumor. More pain than if I had just left it alone initially, but the results were worth it.

... I'm rambling a little, but I have a paper to write and I don't really want to, so it was bound to happen. I hope that all made sense. This site can be counter productive in certain short run situations, but in the long run-- for me-- it can really help.

I've been better at not thinking about it recently. It's starting to get to the point where I only think about him when I remember that I haven't thought about him in a while. Then it's like I'm winning or something.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I don't think I've gone a full day since it happened 3 (almost 4?) years ago. But the fact that it's even been that long astounds me. And it doesn't hurt the way it did. It's just this thing that happened, now. It bothers me more at certain times than others, but it's very much like a scar that has healed--always reminded, but not usually painful anymore unless I dwell on it.

This year was the first year I actually pretty much forgot about it on my anniversary, which happens to be New Years. I was so surprised when I realized that, that I wrote an entry about it in my journal.

As a recent commercial says, "It gets better." It really does, in a way that seemed impossible only a year or two ago.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I loved the way you described what AS was like when I first started on here - dont' remember how many years ago - lol. I was on here all the time and my husband wondered if it was hurting me. When I had joined here it was after remembering csa and I was devastated. But it is true I was so immersed in it and talking about it in my own topics. And it seemed no matter who I replied to I could related to. It really is a great way to clean out those wounds. When I first started it was so all encompassing I never thought I would see the end I thought my life was over. Now it is so different - the last post I made before this one I mentioned to my daughter that it seems so weird I can remember what happened and yet I feel so disconnected from it. It seems so long ago. Now when I am on here I wonder if there is a point to it. I feel distant from it. - Sorry this was not to be a ramble about my own confusion - lol

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

i do think about it everyday, but it's more little flickers of it/him, rather than 24/7 like it was a couple years ago. what happened doesn't have control over me like it used to. the, for lack of better word, obsession is gone. i think it will be a while before i only think about it every once in a while, though.

I think there has been a whole day where I did not think about being molested once. Perhaps not though. I know that I do not think about it as often as I did and when I do it is easier to shove the thoughts away and deal with them later or to even deal with them right then.

How in the hell could I?????when its out of my control....always been outta my control. I have flashbacks and triggers during the day, only to be haunted at night with the nightmares..... for sooooooo long. So long tht i feel like giving up ....theres no hope for me, but i hope for all of you...*supporting and listening always* ~Sarah

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

How in the hell could I?????when its out of my control....always been outta my control. I have flashbacks and triggers during the day, only to be haunted at night with the nightmares..... for sooooooo long. So long tht i feel like giving up ....theres no hope for me, but i hope for all of you...*supporting and listening always* ~Sarah

There's hope for you too!! this will pass, just try to accept the feelings, thats what healing is all about and that takes time and patience. I know its not easily done. All this crap is hard to accept, but it can be done believe me. Just make sure you take care of your needs and reach out whenever you can. Thinking of you and sending you supportive hugs. Pm me, if you want, I will listen.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I haven't gone a single day in the past year without thinking about it. I thought it would be easier when I went to university, since I was going out of state and away from Him, but it almost got harder. At least at home I could curl up in my room and pretend it didn't happen; at school there were mandatory seminars about it, and fliers on the wall talking about support groups and what you can do if it happens to you, and I understand, those are important (especially on a college campus), but it still got me thinking about it when all I wanted was to walk to class without flinching whenever someone bumped into me from behind.

And now, with the anniversary coming up....it's almost impossible not to think about it.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

I have a weird mind that either gets obsessed with something or doesn't care at all. For example if I'm practicing my instruments or doing schoolwork, I will either do it all at once in a very obsessive way or not do anything at all. When I read a book, if I don't read it in a few days, I will never end up finishing it.

The same goes for my r*pes. I will go days, maybe even months without thinking about it, but when I do think about it, its on my mind a lot. As I said, almost in an obsessive way. I also blocked out a lot of what happened, so when I do think about it, I don't actually think of the event in detail. I more so think of the concept of what happened and how I've had to cope.