4.28.2008

bao phi's racist ideas for hollywood 4

It's time for another installment of fake-but-painfully-real Hollywood movie ideas, courtesy of our man Bao Phi. This one's a doozy:

Bao Phi's Ideas for Racist Hollywood 4: Be The Reds: Translating Victory(with thanks to C.S., J.L., and S.Y.K. for edits and advice)

THE PITCH: The fish-out-of-water story of a white translator, his Adopted Korean wife and their journey to Korea… with the exciting underdog success of the South Korean mens' soccer teams' battle for the World Cup in 2002 the dramatic backdrop for their transnational journey.

Brad Allen, an Asian Studies graduate of Dartmouth and Soccer fanatic, has his wildest fantasies come true when he lands a job translating for a team of Sports Illustrated journalists assigned to cover the 2002 World Cup in Korea and Japan – and his Adopted Korean wife, Kim, jumps at the chance to visit the land of her birth. Brad, an Irish American, teaches Kim that he knows what it's like to be a person of color because he hates the British and impresses a group of stoic Koreans with his extensive knowledge of Korean B-B-Q. Preview audiences are already buzzing about the heartfelt scene wherein Brad lectures both Kim - and the busboy at the L'hotel Sofitel they're staying in - that he knows what it's like to be a person of color because he's the minority as a white person in Korea. There won't be a dry eye in the theater.

As Brad teaches Kim how to pronounce sundubu jjigae, reminds her incessantly about how lucky she was to be adopted away from such a barbaric chauvinist culture and how she'd be wandering the streets eating out of grabage cans if not for her whtie adoptive parents, and narrowly saves her from a hilarious misunderstanding wherein Kim almost agrees to sign a 10-year contract to be the host of a televised game show in Communist North Korea called Spin Go Ill!, their cultural pratfalls and bumbling sweet romance will make you forget to ask the question, "hey, wasn't this fucking movie supposed to be about soccer?" (or futbol, depending on your nationality).

Starring: Napolean Dynamite's Jon Heder as Brad Allen and, in a bold move for such politically correct times, Angelina Jolie as Kim. Says Jolie of her gutsy decision to star as an Asian: "I believe in colorblind casting, and with my personal history with adoption, no one empathizes more with adopted people than me - not even adopted people themselves." The Oscar-nominated makeup artist for Norbit and Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is set to work his magic on Ms. Jolie.

Bao Phi is a mad genius. Once again, with a few tweaks, this could probably be real-but-bad movie. Let us hope, however, that nobody actually reads this and decides to make it.