This is not fiction by the way…

September 18, 2014August 8, 2015

First Time.

Not just the ‘kids’ but the entire planet occupant!!!

I will never forget the first time I saw people kissing in real life. O my God!!!

I was 10. My playmate Sheri had come to visit me. My cousin Kate was busy threatening me with her slippers. She had warned me times without number never to wear bathroom slippers in the sitting room. She lived in the village…so, that answers your ‘why’ question. Anyways, Sheri was fast asleep when like I always did, opened the curtain to watch the night stars-it was always an amazing g view..it became more amazing when I saw two people leaning against a wall…acting like they wanted to enter the wall. They were too together(for lack of words) like they were trying to become one or something. It triggered my curiosity alarm..I started adjusting my body..I almost jumped out of my skin. In my mind I was like is this notthe same thing they used to show inside on tv, these people will now come and be doing it.

I wanted to see the mechanics behind it;why were they so close? It was disturbing. My cousin noticed my body movement, she was way older, so she figured something was happening. She came close to me, I looked back and said “Aunty Kate, why are these people standing like this?” She looked at me and gave me the most annoying smile and said”get out from that place!” Ah!!! Why Is she chasing me na?? This thing these people are doing must be really bad. So, I stepped out but I refused to leave the place because she seemed interested too. So I woke Sheri up, I said “come and see these people are doing that thing they used to do in Passions” (remember that passions series)

If you see the way Sheri jumped up ehn!!! The three of us just stood by the window, watching them#sigh# It was a bit weird I admit. Aunty Kate was obviously tired because she chased us out of the place with her slippers (and she said I shouldn’t wear slippers in the sitting room o!! Humans though..hypocrites..all of them!!!).

After that day, it got awkward between my cousin, Sheri and Passions. I just couldn’t take the image out of my head. And I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

So, at 17, while my peers were busy accumulating experiences in the dating game and ‘making out’ certificate, I just kept remembering the couples in the dark corner. O!! I didn’t tell you? She got pregnant and was thrown out of the house…for real.

I had my first kiss when I was 17 (which when compared to an average 21st century child qualifies me for the late bloomers award). He wasn’t even my boyfriend..a ‘like a brother to me’ friend. He had an amazing voice, tall, dark and handsome and was every 17 years old girl’s fantasy. I like to tell myself that my first kiss was stolen and I cried a whole lot. I don’t know why but I nearly died of guilt because the irony of it was that it was in a dark corner like the scene that never left my mind. And again, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Some days back, September 2014.
I am now my uncle’s housegirl. Seriously!!! Its like God sent a cook, housegirl and nanny in one package-Me!!! He is a pastor..not the “praise Gahd kinda pastors o!!” You know those pastors that believe that the depth of your relationship with God lies in no make up, no ear rings and all the things the mammy water produces? Ehen, he’s one of those pastors. In fact for days, we’ve been studying the book of revelation-rapture and judgement day.
Two days ago, after morning devotion, he sat me down and asked me how my journey with God has been and since I’ve been putting a lot of effort into honesty and human respect, I told him it was very good and grows everyday. He now asked me if I have ever had any problem or currently have any problem.

I looked at him and smiled;”yes sir” I said. You should see the way his eyes opened!!! Like “deliverance opportunity”. But then I continued “yes sir, I had an issue with pornography but I’m over it through God’s help” (I talk about this alot..so, it wasn’t a thing to shy away from. Story for another day or if you are impatient you can check my Facebook page for more details.)and his eyes went inside back!! Sha, we talked for some minutes and he expressed his joy over the fact that I cut my hair, to him, it means that I’m getting serious with God (smh). He talked to me about so many things…personal things; he talked about abortions (he was trying to find out if I’ve had an abortion before) sex (how many times a week) and boyfriends (how many do I have)and a lot of stories..now this was indeed AWKWARD.

Today
This morning, the most awkward thing happened. Remember I said im the housegirl/nanny/cook in this house. I go to work and work like jack, then come home to cater to warriors in Children’s bodies.There is Godsave, he’s 13, Obehi 7, Jessica 13, Solomon 12, Jennifer 13,and Mmakoko 8.
Now, all of you that used to judge people by their age, you should come and take over from me..you will learn to believe that age is just a number…these days.
Two nights ago, all of them were telling me about Godsave’s girlfriend and the boy who kissed Obehi (refer to the information above to understand my shock). When they were done, they started asking me if I have ‘started doing what married people are supposed to be doing’ with my boy friend.I could see the shock on their faces when I told them I didn’t have a boyfriend. They all kept quiet..me, I knew the bus-stop they were going to and they didn’t know I had landed there before them.
This morning, I was preparing breakfast. They followed me to the kitchen and we started gisting. I mistakenly..I repeat mistakenly started humming Usher’s song, and immediately Godsave screamed “you know that kiss song?” I looked at him and sincerely said “no, it just stuck from always hearing it in a friend’s car”. He said “o!” Looked at Solomon and said “Nicki Minaj is still the best twerker in the world” ehn!!! The knife nearly cut my hand..this is the problem with children of these days. I couldn’t talk properly, but I managed to say ” so Junior, you’ve been looking at people’s bum bum at your age?” He said “No o!! Aunty Eno!” And I said “what do you mean?? What part of the body twerks??? Legs or eyes?? Except you mean something else, this is getting scary”

Join me later as I get real and I’ll love your feed backs too. The other stories will revolve around basic lessons I learnt from these children, from sex to parents’ issues to Nigerian Educational system to errrr turning me to their full-time nanny.