5 Hipster Fashions We Can’t Take Anymore

Making fun of male hipster dress is easy, and, let’s face it, funny, too. The style isn’t just highly popular in San Francisco or New York City (especially Brooklyn, of course) — Chicago, Atlanta and other smaller U.S. cities have their pockets of the art-house film and indie rock band loyalists also. It’s become a national concern.

With the latest iPhone, a pair of old old-fashioned eyeglasses, tight jeans, lumberjack beards or a mustache reminiscent of the gay 1890s, these folks are spanning three centuries. That’s an accomplishment, and it’s all in the name of fashion.

Hipsters are seemingly a national interest group, like the American Automobile Association, except most hipsters would probably object, at least publicly, to driving because it’s bad for the planet, man.

But hey, I’m no expert. I’m only pointing out what I think looks ridiculous on my fellow males as sort of a public service. Don’t get me wrong, hipsters aren’t all bad. Though many wear some questionable styles and threads, the food, coffee and booze many of them are preoccupied with have enriched all of our lives; it’s just the old-timey accessories, bushy beards and pants that are so tight one almost can’t sit comfortably. It’s too much.

Here, then, are the Top 5 most ridiculous hipster fashion trends, which surely can be seen in a coffeehouse near you.

1. RIDICULOUS BEARDS

This guy is wearing a knit hat, too, but forget that for a second as it will be revisited shortly.

Cultivating a lumberjack look seems to have become quite popular. How and why it’s attractive to look like you just came from living in a backwoods cabin somewhere escapes me. Good thing this guy’s well-groomed and, in reality, living in a former factory somewhere instead of actually collecting rainwater and nuts to survive.

2. REALLY TIGHT JEANS

Granted, we’re all prisoners of what was popular when we were teenagers for the rest of our lives, so be it. How else could your uncle seem to have an endless supply of clothes from the ’70s?

For me, though, this means being influenced by the hip-hop styles of the 1990s, specifically, baggy jeans. In my day — not to sound like a fogie — men wore their jeans loose, only women and girls got them tapered or tight. How does this guy above even sit down?

3.WEARING WOOL, SKI OR KNIT HATS — ALL THE TIME

Dude, if the temperature is above 6o degrees, there’s no need for a stocking hat. And if that’s not clear, here’s a good rule of thumb: If you aren’t wearing a coat, scarf or gloves, then it’s probably not necessary to wear a hat.

Or are you wearing it to hide that greasy hair, which hasn’t been washed thoroughly in days — but, of course, has been treated with natural herbs or wax or something.

4. OLD-TIMEY EYEGLASSES

Why is it so cool to look like you are from the past? I know “Mad Men” is a good show, but let’s chill out on taking it so far with the obsession of everything vintage and 1950s and ’60s.

Just remember, like the character John Milner said in the ode to the ’50s nostalgia film “American Graffiti,” “Rock ‘n’ roll has been going downhill ever since Buddy Holly died,” so chill, and stop trying to look like the dead music icon, please.

5. ACCESSORIZING FROM THE PAST

Yes, the cigarette holder is making a comeback (I have seen it with my own eyes). Seriously, what’s going to be next, spats, monocles, button-collar dress shirts? Dude, you’re not John Barrymore, and it’s not the Hollywood Golden Age circa 1920s.

Give me the coffee, artisanal pizza and small-batch bourbon; these guys can keep the questionable fashion and style choices to themselves.