Friday, March 9, 2012

How To Avoid Jealousy in Relationships

The two of you are seated in a restaurant. She is looking like her usual sexy self and you marvel at the fact that you're with the hottest woman in the room. Everything is going great until a GQ model wannabe makes his way through the crowd and stops at your table. Your lady looks up and is smitten to see her former flame. As she introduces you to the gentleman, you try to maintain a smile while shaking hands.

They continue to exchange friendly words and you sit idly by while your blood boils to levels that may or may not result in his body being flung over to the dessert cart. In short, his presence is making you lose it.

sound familiar?
This scenario is one of millions that depicts jealousy; a human emotion we instinctively experience at some point or another. Just like with aggression and paranoia, jealousy can take on varying degrees of severity. The aforementioned scene could result in your either being totally at ease by the ex's presence, or getting into an all-out brawl with the guy while accusing your date of being a tramp for accomodating his greeting.

For some, jealousy is a real issue and if left untreated, can create a permanent wedge between you and your partner, while negatively affecting future relationships. Luckily, it can be controlled.

the source of jealousy
You may have acquired this behavior through past experiences with girlfriends. If you have already been cheated on, this may cause you to be more possessive and controlling of her for fear of repetition. Even if she's never given you any reason to doubt her, you become increasingly desperate to hold on to the relationship and want to avoid potentially hazardous situations at all costs.

Similarly, you may be the one who's been unfaithful in the past, and, in a shameful attempt to not have the tables turn on you, you want to ensure that you are the sole object of her desire.

But, for the most part, jealousy is a byproduct of one's own issues with self-confidence and self-esteem. You may feel that you're not good enough for her and that you're together by fluke. Most other guys seem better looking to you and you feel threatened by that.

why is jealousy dangerous?

Jealousy , for those who can't control it, is detrimental to a relationship because it eats away at the one thing that holds it together: Trust. Jealousy also takes away from your quality time together as it would undoubtedly lead to numerous fights whereby you only focus on each other's negative qualities. Furthermore, you end up spending the bulk of your day foolishly thinking up scenarios in which she may cheat on you. Before you know it, the greater part of your relationship will be spent on what could be happening rather than what is happening.

Jealousy will be harder to control as the relationship progresses, so if yours is reaching dangerously high levels, it's time to get help as soon as possible.

don't overreact
It's okay to feel jealous, as long as you can contain and channel it in a positive manner. Remember that trust is the foundation of any relationship. More importantly, show the lady the same respect you would want her to show you.

learn to control yourself

Here are five ways to get a grip on your Jealousy before you lose control:

1- Learn from past experiences

Look at how your behavior affected past relationships and use that to help you behave better. You may soon discover that these tantrums are the cause of your troubled love life. Realize that getting upset with her for no reason won't help your situation.

2- Deal with reality

Focus on what is really happening, not what you perceive to be happening because with time, you may end up having difficulty distinguishing fact from fiction. Don't let your imagination dictate the kind of person she really is.

3- Respect yourself

Increase your self esteem. Remind yourself that you're every bit as deserving as any other guys you feel threatened by

4- Get a third party's opinion

Ask a friend to take note of your behavior. It may help you to fully understand the extent of your actions by getting a neutral party's perspective.

5- Set some rules early on

Try establishing some general guidelines as to what is and isn't acceptable for you. This way, you'll have justification for outbursts when you are behaving improperly.

Envy Drains the Soul

Envy is usually an expression of insecurity. When we have low self-esteem, we'll always feel threatened by people who have more beauty, more status, more education, more charisma -- or better bikes! No one is immune to envy, and you probably know from experience that it can make you miserable. You may think the cure is more money, so you become consumed with increasing your earnings. The only problem is, once you get to that higher financial level, there's always a higher one. If you're motivated by envy, you're going to burn out because there's always a next level.

Life Is Not a Contest

Truth be told, you cannot be happy and envious at the same time. In fact, one of the greatest secrets to happiness in life is learning how to eliminate envy. Acknowledging the need to do so can be painful, but accepting material limits or advantages may lead to a change of values and a more spiritual and fulfilling way of life. The way you change envy is by changing your perspective. While you may not be able to completely change the feelings that cause envy, you can change your perspective and eliminate it from your life.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Satisfaction comes from doing your best. You don't have to imitate somebody else's lifestyle. Take an envy self-examination. Do you ever compare your life, your home, your husband, your kids -- even your lawn -- to other people's? This exam can reveal some surprises, and it just may inspire you to channel your energies into accomplishing worthwhile things.

Stay the Course

Of course you may be living in the middle of circumstances that make it hard to appreciate your uniqueness or find happiness or even basic safety. Be encouraged! Does that mean you'll never have a hard time handling the success of other people? Of course not! We all do from time to time. Human instinct makes us ask, "Why did he get a promotion when I didn't?" or "Why do they get to go to Europe on vacation and we have to pay for braces?" Realize that material things aren't going to last but relationships do. As your perspective begins to change, you'll see it really is possible to have a life without envy.

When jealousy creeps into your head try to remember you are listening to your small self. It is your big self that embraces your heart; therefore, you want to pay attention to your big self.

Your big self is the part of you that is kind, respectful, and loving of you. It is the part of you that you welcome and enjoy. It is the part of you that makes you whole.

Your big self is the qualified decision maker because it combines reason and emotion into a balanced mix. It is your big self that knows your self worth and that knows you deserve happiness and love. Your big self knows how to identify and live these good emotions.

Your little self is like a radio signal that you only listen to once in a while and you don't even enjoy. Why tune it in at all?

5 More Tips on How To Cope with Jealousy!

Tip 1: Identify The Root Cause

Knowing the cause for jealousy in any situation is the first step towards overcoming such negative emotions. Your own insecurities and unresolved feelings are often the reasons for feeling jealousy towards another. You will have to follow self-confidence building exercises and techniques to overcome self-esteem issues.

Tip 2: Take A Reality Check

If you are in a relationship and you think there's a threat to it from a third party, how sure are you about it? Could it just be the way you are seeing it? Perhaps, you are mistaken. Don't let your assumptions get in the way of a healthy relationship just because you feel jealous based on imagined problems.

Tip 3: Positive Thinking

Like in every situation where negative emotions get in the way of rational thinking, positive thinking helps. When jealousy burns, try thinking of better things. So, your colleague got a promotion and you feel envious because you think you deserved it better? Think of the bonus you got on Christmas last year or how fantastic it was to get that pay raise.

Tip 4: Seek Objective Opinions

Get the perspective of a neutral party. If you are often behaving jealously, they will tell you, but only if you ask in all honesty. Knowing is half way to resolving, so get someone else's opinion.

Tip 5: Find Reassurance

Communication is always the key to resolving issues, so always find reassurance from people around you, if you feel like you are going overboard with jealousy. The best way to seek help is by talking about whatever that's bothering you and causing the problems.

Jealousy is generally the result of deeply embedded long-term issues, such as anger, anxiety, frustration and inadequacy. An inferiority complex or low self-esteem will make jealousy a front to vent out its wrath, so focus on eliminating all negative