The Filibuster

“At what point in the season will you cry hardest: when the Cubs win the
NL Central or when the Cards are mathematically eliminated from the
playoffs? And which brand of tissue will you use to wipe your nose?”

— Allen

Such a pleasant surprise to see you stretch those muscles of intelligentsia by presenting me with such a highly researched question of moronic proportion, Mr. Krause. Though I am not immune to dodging your loquacious prods that are ultimately meant to force my hand into an all-out rant with repercussions that would probably get me into a lot of trouble, in this particular case, I am inclined to take the high road and make you look like an idiot. But since you’re already an idiot, my job is just that much simpler.

Due to the fact that the foundation of your question is completely erroneous in itself, let me address it by quoting the infamous Jimmy Dugan:

“There’s no crying! THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!”

So there, Al. Now that you know there is no crying in baseball, you know I won’t be crying about anything. But — and let’s just say I’m entertaining your idiocy here — even if there was such a thing as ‘crying in baseball’, what in the world makes you think I would have anything to cry about? Would I cry about a team that has already surpassed the expectations of every single baseball-follower on the planet? A team that boasts a record of 16 wins, a half game out of first place as we come to the end of April? A team that presents a spring of young, exciting, homegrown talent with names like Brendan Ryan, Skip Schumaker and Colby Rasmus? A team that has arguably the best player in the entire game in A.P.? A team that has won with a no-name starting rotation (ironically) named Wainwright, Lohse, Wellemeyer, Looper and Pineiro/Thompson? A team that is a perennial contender? A team that manufactures wins where other teams (i.e. the Tigers) just kind of give up after they find themselves down? Yeah (*cue the sarcasm), I’m extremely disappointed in this team’s performance thus far. Yeah, I’m real upset that we’re winning without a lineup full of underachieving, overpaid superstars and a pitching staff more volatile than nuclear fission who collectively find themselves at the bottom of the AL Central. Yeah, I’m real upset about that.

And you’re asking me — in April — which event(s) that may or may not happen in October are going to make me cry harder? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. October is the furthest thing from my mind right now and you shouldn’t even think about it at all because you’ll just be setting yourself up for disappointment. That’s right, Mr. Krause. What I’m more worried about is whether or not you’ll become suicidal when my prediction of the Tigers missing the playoffs all together comes to fruition (and it will, so start the Paxil cycle now). In fact, Al, you have a lot of nerve asking me such a question when your team can’t seem to figure themselves out while the Sox continue to win and C.C. and the Tribe find their old game. Hockeytown has never seen such implosion — oh wait, yes they have (see the 2006 WS or any of their 100 loss seasons for more information).

What kind of tissue will I use? Come on, Al, you’re starting to sound like a Cub fan. Really. Next thing I know, you’ll be creating racially insensitive t-shirts and selling them on the streets, getting drunk at 11 a.m., and knocking over little kids and their dreams to get your hands on a foul ball.

Besides, real men don’t use tissue. They use their sleeves.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

**Click here for the Jason Grilli ERA Watch Update. The Italian Stallion’s back in the ring!