"Congratulations
to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last
night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a
multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United
States." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romneyis saying his comments
about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually
said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Fidel
Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack
Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his
endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt
Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message
to send to Middle America." –David Letterman

“Apparently
a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in
the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for
polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His
family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"First
Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That's a classic Romney flip-flop." –Stephen Colbert

Michele
Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since
she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan
O'Brien

"Tea
Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers
eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying
to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"You
saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into
the camera, which made it harder for the teabaggers to masturbate." –Bill
Maher "She didn't look into the camera. She said Ameican was created by a
miracle, and secret armies of IRS agents are trying to take awa your light bubls.
And then Sarah Palin tweeted, 'Game on, bitch." –Bill Maher

"Herman
Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret
Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his
wife cools off." –David Letterman

"In
a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the
race." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman
Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and
get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and
gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his
ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and
crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people
out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt,
but he could do it in 30 minutes or less." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt
Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because
Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza." –Conan
O'Brien

"Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt
Romney. Apparently his message of 'less government, more toppings' has been
well received." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza;
and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian." --
Stephen Colbert

"A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather's pizza CEO
Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he's the
funniest candidate by about 40 points." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman
Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should
build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if
there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien

‎"Almost all of Rick
Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I
cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart

"Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for
these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't
blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out
of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'" –Bill Maher

"Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I
call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward,
and not because he’s … a horse." –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and
Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a
pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel

Today
Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government.
Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of
government." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream
flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of
ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part." -Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a
concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of
the issues, concealed tolerance..." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head."
–Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's
running against President Obama or Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last
week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him
a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember
it." -Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: “11-11-Wait don't tell
me, I will get this. I know there is a third one." -Conan O'Brien

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes
Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." -Jay Leno

"I'm worried about Rick Perry. For one, I'm worried that maybe he's too
conservative. Two, I worry a little bit about his debating skills. And three, I
— Oh, what was three?" -David Letterman

"Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry.
I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney."
-Craig Ferguson

"I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he
came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows
his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember." -Craig Ferguson

"Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out
George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor." -Jimmy Fallon

"Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he
won’t even remember them." -Jimmy Fallon

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed
over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida."
–Conan O'Brien

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he
announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W.
Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by
saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of
instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W.
Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in
front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's
already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote." --
Stephen Colbert

"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants
smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade
launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex
Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with
gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped
that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And
then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo,
a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a
president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president
who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in
a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America
down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the
sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn
shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they
can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I
will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to
run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife
is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God
says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only
difference." –Jay Leno

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for
President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for
President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney."
–Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most
dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an
American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to
follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said,
“What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries
a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod. I like the idea of runners
carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be."
–Jimmy Kimmel

"New
Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy
of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes
you the Republican nominee." -Bill Maher

"Rick Perrydropped out of the
presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is
not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight
was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a
change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once,
it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even
though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a
tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"Mitt
Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all
the animals." –David Letterman

Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is
now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich
said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

Jon
Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job
as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beating
Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating
Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher