Peter's Onion Blog

Peter Koechley's recent writings (headlines and articles) in The Onion.

Monday, November 29, 2004

December 1st:
Headline: Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down
Article: New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team
Infographic answers: top, 3rd-from-top, bottom
Statshot answer: "It gets all hairy if we don't"
Fighting Insomnia tips: 1. "Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive." 2. "If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long." 3. "If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder."