After spending no less than four hours trying to get my antidepressant prescription refilled, I have come to a rather obvious conclusion. The problem was not that my psychiatrist did not think to refer me to another one, knowing full well I was unable to return to the clinic at school. It was not that my GP did not give me enough refills. It wasn’t even that the system here in Canada requires me to have a referral from a previous doctor in order to see a new doctor, despite being unable to see said previous doctor. It was also not the fault of the walk-in clinic which is overused because of these other challenges with our system. The problem wasn’t even that the pharmacy assistant made the decision to only fill half of my prescription when I took it in, without thinking to ask when I dropped it off.

No, while all of the above made for a rather tiresome and unproductive morning, these aren’t my problem. My problem is depression itself. And if I’m honest, the medication I spent so much time tracking down is only about halfway helpful. So as I look to embark on a 4-month hiatus from life as I know it, I am also embarking on a full-on shakedown with depression.

Remnants of my pharmaceutical shakedown to find something that works.

What will this look like?

I will chant and mediate. Run, lift, yoga, and clean up my eating. I will color, write, read, and paint. I will take a break from social media. I will clean up my sleep schedule. I will establish a morning routine, a night time ritual, and perfect my happy dance. I will do whatever other trick, tip, or hack I can find (within reason) that may help with depression. And I will catalog my experiences here.

So help me if one more person tells me that “I just need to feel better.” This is not about out-willing depression or proving that medication isn’t the answer. This is not to belittle depression, anxiety, or anything else. This is to try, test, and see what helps and what doesn’t for me and to share that with you. I am open to suggestions, comments, and thoughts. Yes, I will continue with my medication until / unless something changes. This is about finding balance.