The Walking Dead 3.13: “We’re going to war”

I’m having my issues with this season, but I enjoyed the hell out of last week’s episode. It was everything good about The Walking Dead, answering the age-old question “whatever happened to Morgan, anyway”, and it proved that the show is at its best when it’s on the move. I’m sorry it’s more expensive, AMC executives, but The Walking Dead just works better when the characters are on the road. Suck it up.

And now we’re back to the prison vs. Woodbury, which is still a thing because Andrea is the worst person since Lori and didn’t follow through on killing the Governor in his sleep.

You know on Revenge, how stupid Jack has that zombie dog that has somehow miraculously survived from his childhood until he’s like, 30? Well The Walking Dead has cars that run on a magical, never-ending supply of gas. They go on raids for food and weapons, but no one ever mentions gas.

Daryl and Rick are out doing their badass thing.

Herschel has a stump-gun. Gross.

Oh-ho. Rick and the Governor meet face to face. They’re going to have a sit-down and hash things out. Somehow, I think this will be much less cool than Raylan Givens’ idea of hashing things out.

The Governor’s idea of removing his weapon is to actually remove his weapon. Rick’s idea of removing his weapon is to put it away. Which is a good idea, because the Governor has a gun taped to the table anyway.

Meanwhile, Andrea shows up with Mengele and some Woodbury folk—they’re surprised the Governor is already there.

Aw, Andrea still thinks they can talk this out. She’s too stupid to live.

I think it’s hilarious when people try to square off with Daryl, especially nerds like Mengele. Rick excepted, Daryl is the toughest dog in this fight.

Merle is all, let’s just go kill the Governor now, since we know where he is. Merle continues to have the best ideas out of anyone.

Glenn makes a good point, that a surprise attack would likely get Rick et al killed. But Merle does not like being so far down the food chain. I bet he goes running back to Woodbury.

Rick proposes a boundary line but the Governor is unreasonable. He also casually dismisses Andrea’s authority and yet she continues to not change sides. Poor, dumb Andrea.

The Governor and Rick sit down to measure their dicks.

The Governor has that natural politician’s streak, but Rick was a cop and he runs their discussion like an interrogation. The Governor throws Judith probably being Shane’s baby in Rick’s face—GodDAMN it, Andrea, can you not keep your mouth SHUT?—but Rick doesn’t react. The Governor thinks Rick is underestimating him, dismissing him as the “town drunk”, but I think it’s the other way around. He thinks Rick is little more than a rabid dog, but don’t forget which one of them has been hacking and chopping his way through hell for the last year while the other sat (relatively) cushy in a town.

How cute—Mengele is writing a history.

Woodbury Guy vs. Daryl in a zombie-kill-off. It’s a draw—they’re both pretty good at it.

Woodbury Guy’s wife and kids got eaten by zombies. He and Daryl bond over the inevitability that they’re going to end up fighting while Herschel and Mengele bond over Herschel’s stump. Mengele wants to see it. Herschel’s like—no, creepy.

So the Governor doesn’t want to negotiate peace because he thinks he’ll look weak in front of his townspeople for not avenging Rick’s violent foray into Woodbury. Here’s my problem with this episode—no matter how good the writing/acting, and they’re both solid, we already know all these motivations and points of view. We’re just treading water. Sixteen episodes is too many.

The Governor’s wife died in an accident and he had a sh-tty job before the zombie apocalypse. This is why he’s such a dick now, I suppose.

And yep, there’s Merle trying to leave. Glenn fights with him, it turns into a melee. And Luna Lovegood is the one to break it up. Ha!

WE DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE EITHER, ANDREA.

Somehow, the Governor assaulting Maggie is the straw that breaks Andrea’s back. Not him pitting Daryl and Merle against one another in the zombie thunderdome, or siccing zombies on the prison, or him trying to kill Michonne, or ALL THOSE HEADS IN FISH TANKS. Assaulting Maggie, terrible as it was, is like the least f*cked-up thing he’s done.

So the Governor is spying on the prison and knows they have guns. No surprise there.

And he wants Michonne, because she put out his eye, and he’ll quit persecuting Rick’s group. Yeah, right.

This is where the Governor is misunderstanding Rick. He’s willing to wage this war and risk Woodbury and everyone in it for a matter of personal revenge, but Rick is fighting for his whole group’s survival. Rick is very aware that he and everyone else could (and probably will) die fighting the Governor, but it hasn’t even crossed the Governor’s mind that he could lose.

Michonne isn’t willing to go with Merle and risk Andrea getting caught in the crossfire. Andrea really does not deserve this level of loyalty.

Maggie and Glenn have an unexpectedly sweet moment. Glenn can’t make out with her while zombies are “watching”. So they sneak off to have sex. Which means no one is on watch.

Oh. My. GOD. Rick and the Governor are STILL TALKING.

Andrea goes back to Woodbury. Because she has no convictions.

Rick has two days to fork over Michonne or it’s war. Of course he doesn’t mean any of it and intends to kill Rick and whoever else shows up with Michonne.

The Governor: They’ll bring Rick, maybe Merle’s brother. Take care of the whole crew. Best way to avoid a slaughter.
Mengele: That is a slaughter.

Rick sees through the bullsh*t, anticipates war. And yet still talks to Herschel about handing Michonne over, hoping Herschel can talk him out of it. Jesus, Rick, the fact that you know he’ll kill you anyway ought to be reason enough not to do it.