Thank you, Amazon, for making me look like I care

A big shout out to Amazon for making me look like I put more effort into gift-giving than I do

I’m getting pretty sick of all the people on Facebook who have decided to blow up my newsfeed with feel-good “What I’m thankful for” status updates—i.e., “Day 23: I’m thankful for my mom...” But it did make me think…what am I thankful for this year? Last year it was my iPhone—for some pretty universal reasons: it gets me out of awkward social situations, it keeps me from getting lost, I can watch shows on it instead of interacting with family, etc. But this year, someone else has gotten me out of a few binds, and that special someone deserves a big shout out. Amazon: this one’s for you.

This year, I’m thankful for Amazon. Not eCommerce in general, but Amazon specifically—for a number of reasons, the first being: it helps me look like I put more effort into gift-buying than I actually do.

At this point, you can find just about anything on Amazon, and with cheap one-day or two-day shipping, options, everything you need can be right there on your doorstep within 24 hours. There’s something particularly heartwarming about coming home from work to an Amazon package on your doorstep—like finding out someone left you roses or a box of chocolates just to say “hey, you’re awesome.”

As an inveterate procrastinator, this speedy shipping has gotten me out of quite a few binds. But that speedy shipping, combined with Amazon’s gloriously limitless inventory, has made it possible for me to come up with meaningful gifts that look like I put a lot of thought and effort into them. Case in point: last week I bought my sister a pair of TOMS shoes for her 12th birthday. I could’ve hauled my cookies to the mall and hunted around for the perfect pair, but with Amazon, I was able to buy the shoes and then go hunker down for my afternoon nap. The shoes were a hit and more than made up for last year’s gaffe when I bought her a book on puberty and hygiene. That one didn’t go over so well.

Even better, I found cheap TOMS shoes, which brings me to my second reason for loving Amazon: everything is so much cheaper. For example: the shoes I bought for my sister were $39. By comparison, I found a store in my area that sells TOMS shoes, and there wasn’t a pair there for less than $50. You can do this with virtually any item you need—a mop, a pair of jeans, laundry detergent, a dog bed, baby items—everything is cheaper on Amazon.

Case in point: I did everyone a favor recently by registering at Amazon for my baby shower. Why? Because you can get a rock ‘n play sleeper on Amazon for $45 when it costs $60 at Babies R Us. F*** that noise.

And that brings me to yet another reason why I love Amazon. At nine months pregnant with one week to go until my due date, you can bet your ass I’m not schlepping out to Babies R Us to pick up Desitin or nail clippers. That shit can come to me. And this is made possible by the fact that Amazon has EVERYTHING.

Seriously. Everything. What do I mean by everything? I mean everything as in I’m at that point where I’m starting to toy with home remedies for inducing labor and seriously considering a castor oil and pineapple smoothie (doesn’t that sound so good you could just crap yourself?). Guess what Amazon has waiting for me if I need it… Yup. Castor oil. And pineapple! That means that if you have a craving for canned pineapple, you can order it on Amazon and it will be on your doorstep in as little as one day. Who knew!

So this year, I’m giving thanks for the one who consistently comes through for me every time: Amazon.