As if his premature exit from the French conservative primaries could not have gotten any more humiliating, Sarkozy was basically kicked out through the politics backdoor on Monday when presidential hopeful Francois Fillon offered him the Ministry of Environment in a future government.

“I was ready to be in the shadows again and become Sarkozy´s Prime Minister for a second time. Then on Sunday he kept losing votes – I first considered making him PM if he made it to second place, as a show of respect. But third place…he left me no choice but the Ministry of Environment” said an euphoric Fillon as soon as the preliminary results came out.

Historically, the Ministry of Environment in France (and other European and world countries, as a matter of fact all of them) has been the dumpsite of politicians who lost any support from their party leadership and are doomed to be forgotten in a place that no one cares about.

“Oh putain!” was Sarkozy´s first reaction after he found out about this new humiliation. “I did not see that coming. Of course I was aiming to become the Finance Minister or at least PM, but this is just a disaster. Ministry of Environment basically means no funding, no compromise from other ministries, no attention from the PM, nothing!”

Sarkozy´s salvation might surprisingly come from Marine Le Pen, the extreme-right presidential candidate. Le Pen phoned Sarkozy late on Sunday and promised to send him to Moscow as ambassador to France´s new best friend as of next year – Vladimir Putin.

“I really hope Le Pen gets it. Putin is a nice guy and we´ve been getting along really well in the past. Actually, we´ve had many parties down at Berlusconi´s. God bless, if she doesn´t win next year, Carla will surely divorce me to avoid public shame” concluded Sarkozy.