Monthly Archives: May 2013

My friend and I have a running joke that Jesus is always the answer. In the end we both hold to the same belief, that Jesus being the answer is the truest thing either of us could ever say.

Lately this belief has been echoing through my heart. Although I’ve noticed it seems to have a tinny kind of sound to it these days. So I stopped in the midst of the busyness of life to contemplate and mull over this belief. After hours (and seemingly days) of mulling over my past, my life, and my reality I discovered one big discrepancy. I never took the belief of Jesus being the answer to all of my hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, and weaknesses to heart. This belief has never apparently made it past my brain.

I know that God wants my heart all of it. I realize now that I have been holding back on him. It’s created a deep set restlessness within me and I have turned everywhere to escape that feeling. All the while missing the point Jesus is the answer. It may seem simple and it is actually, but it is so hard to give up control of my heart. My heart is the one thing that is truly mine. The one thing that no can take away. For this entire year God has been asking me to give him my heart all of it; holding nothing back. I’ve dodged, dived, and ducked away from doing it, to my own pain and dissatisfaction. But I now see clearly that if i want to grow and mature from who I am now, I must relinquish control of my heart. I must in order to make my heart know that Jesus is the answer.

Gratifying my need for
love,
acceptance,
worth from things that can never give what I truly desire.

My deepest desires are to be known
And therefore loved intimately

I keep searching and searching
For these two things
In all the wrong ways

The arms of another
A life of pretend
Independence

But in the end these sources always leave me wanting
Proving again that I am unloved and unknown

All the while I know that you are the source I desperately desire

That you are the one that knows me

You are the one that loves me

I long for you

But why do I seek other things?

Other things that I know will never know me as intimately as you do.

Maybe I run to the things that will know me generically, so that I would receive an illusion of intimacy. Because it is in those things I never have to become truly vulnerable. I retain my mystery, my independence, and my safety.

To choose you,
to run into your arms is to let go
Of every built in protection that I have in my life

To be known by you
Is to be vulnerable
To be seen
Completely bare
Nakedly revealed to you in all ways