Thursday, August 29, 2013

On the Planet of Alliteralia, a War of Words

President Transcendental was beside himself. The Grand
Visionary had just been involved in his third military strategy meeting of the
week and by all reports his beloved Teelund was losing his accursed war against
the dread Uvullites. “You’re acting like topiaries” he screamed at his
Generals; “all spiffied up and nowhere to go! Now test a theory that will
totally thump the tempestuous trouble makers, by trickery, treachery or
tergiversation if need be… but damn it DO IT!”

Once in his office with only his staff present, General
Tamarack whispered to ColonelTangential
“Teamwork man! We must think teamwork!’ We need an ally in this fight!”

“Whom might you suggest” the Colonel responded; “Zeeboria
hates us, we’ve consistently cheated Ellebron in trade negotiations and
Transcendental was none too kind when he called the Premier of Peetwania a
Pothead. There’s not many letters left!”

The General scratched his syllabus a moment, then said “How
about the N’s? Are they available?”

Colonel Tangential grossly glottally stopped. “Oh please
General, you must be aware… No one uses the N words anymore!”

“What about the F’s”

“Sure, if you really want ”Fuck” on your team.”

“I was thinking more like ‘Fortuitous’ or even ‘Flatulence’;
we need a weapon as well as words in the field!”

“You get Flatulence, you get Fuck”, said the Colonel; “they
nearly always come together though Fuck is often spoken under an observers
breath.”

“Well think of something Tangential!”

From the back of the room the General staff secretary, Corporal
Topography spoke.

“The Kardashians sir; the Kardashians are always looking for
a konfrontation, even if they obviously don’t know how to spell one.”

Tamarack trumpeted “Of Course man! The K’s! Topography! Get
Kolonel Kaboom on the phone right this minute! We have ourselves a trump card!”