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Years after their 'City Slickers' narrative was retired, Westworld hosts Mitch (Billy Crystal) & Phil (Daniel Stern) are still happily driving cattle, however Mitch has started to malfunction and it's up to Stubbs (Luke Hemsworth) to analyze why he has gone off his loop.

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[ Westworld title theme ♪ ]
[footsteps]
[ Mitch voicing Bonanza theme ♪ ]
♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin', rawhide ♪
- That's enough.
- Roll...
Luke Hemsworth: [Stubbs] Mitchie the Kid.
Luke Hemsworth: Haven't seen you in
here for quite some time.
Luke Hemsworth: You know,
Mitch is one of the oldest house in the park.
Luke Hemsworth: Used to have one of our
best-selling narratives.
Luke Hemsworth: Dissatisfied city slicker rides
out west with his friends
Luke Hemsworth: to herd cattle and try and
find his smile again.
Ptolemy Slocum: [Sylvester] Does finding a smile involve
going completely off his loop?
Luke Hemsworth: Why don't we ask him?
Luke Hemsworth: I always wanted to do this.
Luke Hemsworth: Mitch... Hellooo?
Luke Hemsworth: Do you know where you are?
Billy Crystal: Uh, the waiting room of the CIA?
Billy Crystal: Or the waiting room at CAA?
[giggles]
Billy Crystal: This place has less privacy
than Trump Tower. [giggles]
Luke Hemsworth: Limit your witty affect please.
Billy Crystal: Hm.
Luke Hemsworth: What happened in the park today?
Billy Crystal: Uh, today was like any other day.
Billy Crystal: I woke up, hearded some cows,
Phil took an hour to pee,
Billy Crystal: and you know, same old same old,
just living the life. [giggles]
Luke Hemsworth: Analysis.
- Are you lying to me?
- Oh yeah.
Ptolemy Slocum: This is footage of when
he started malfunctioning.
[device beeps]
[gun shot, screams in the background]
Luke Hemsworth: What is it with the milk?
He does like cows though, so.
[beep]
Daniel Stern: Do I set it to channel 3
and then press record?
Billy Crystal: Doesn't matter what
channel you're on.
- You just have to press the button.
- Ah!
Daniel Stern: And then you put the tape in?
Billy Crystal: [shouting] The tape is already in ya moron!
[gun shot]
- What are they even talking about?
- They're talking about programming a VCR.
Luke Hemsworth: That's a 90s thing.
Luke Hemsworth: I'm resetting your annoyance levels and
doubling your tolerances for Phil, so.
Luke Hemsworth: Mitchie the Kid,
you should be good to go.
Billy Crystal: Thank you,
other Hemsworth Brother. [giggles]
[device]
Luke Hemsworth: Never gets old.
♪
[indistinct talking]
Get the wood.
Can't cook [bleep] without a fire.
Ah, don't sell yourself short, cookie.
You can cook [bleep] in all conditions.
Billy Crystal: [whispering]
What are you doing with these guys?
Billy Crystal: They're digging dirt for gold.
Billy Crystal: I didn't come here for that,
I came here to push cows.
Daniel Stern: Well, a lot of gold miners
are also cowboys.
[cowboy] Hey! Now pick up that
[bleep] axe and go chop us...
Billy Crystal: [Mitch] They're just dirt guys.
[stammers] I mean, look at...
Billy Crystal: How come everybody's frozen
and we didn't freeze?
Daniel Stern: I didn't freeze
because you didn't freeze.
Billy Crystal: Do you have to do
everything that I do Phil?
Billy Crystal: Can't you just be your own man?
Daniel Stern: [stammers] What kind of man
do you think I should be?
♪
- A dead one.
- [gun shot]
Luke Hemsworth: [Stubbs] Mitch. Phil.
Luke Hemsworth: Bring yourselves back online.
Billy Crystal: Oh, this can't be good.
- Are we in detention?
- I don't know where the hell we are.
Billy Crystal: Last thing I remember is I
was riding on the plains with Curly,
Billy Crystal: and he was trying to
teach me the secret to life.
- Secret to life?
- Ooh, yeah.
- What was it?
- He said it was one thing, just one thing.
- Your finger?
- No, not my fingers.
Billy Crystal: It is one thing.
You stick to the one thing in your life,
- and everything else means [bleep]
- Wow. What was it?
Billy Crystal: That you have to figure
out for yourself.
Daniel Stern: That's a load of crap. Seriously, what was it?
What was the one thing?
- [indistinct background talking]
- Obviously, their core friendship
Luke Hemsworth: parameters need to be realigned.
- What is the one thing? The one thing--
- The one thing is this!
[gun shot]
Luke Hemsworth: Freeze all motor functions.
Daniel Stern: So the secret to life is shooting me?
Ptolemy Slocum: [Sylvester] Now they're not
responding to vocal commands.
- ...Go ahead. Go ahead. Right here.
- I'll prep for a decommission.
- Shoot me!
- [gun shot]
Daniel Stern: You shot me!
Billy Crystal: Hey fellas, where the hell are we?
Billy Crystal: What is this, the Kevorkian Ear
Nose and Throat Clinic? [giggles]
Ptolemy Slocum: Shut up.
Ptolemy Slocum: Just imagine I am a dentist,
but for your nose.
- Tilt your head back please Mitch.
- [drilling starts]
Ptolemy Slocum: [Sylvester] There we go.
Daniel Stern: Oooh, right in the schnoz.
[drilling stops]
Daniel Stern: [Phil] Mitch? Pal?
[Mitch sneezing]
Billy Crystal: Goddammit!
Billy Crystal: [Mitch] Ah! I can breathe again.
Billy Crystal: This is unbelievable!
Billy Crystal: See, I'm from Long Island.
We had a lot of allergies when I was a kid.
Billy Crystal: My parents were gonna send me to
Scottsdale Arizona to grow up in a dry environment.
Luke Hemsworth: Take it easy!
- Can you do the other side?
- That's it. I've had enough.
Luke Hemsworth: You're both going into cold storage.
Daniel Stern: Why is everybody naked?
Angela Sarafyan: Because all the hosts are naked.
- Why aren't you guys naked?
- Um, cause it's in HD.
- Boobs. Eh.
- You guys are cute.
- Hi, I'm Mitch.
- I'm Clementine.
Angela Sarafyan: Not much of a rind on you.
- I'll give you a discount.
- How much?
Angela Sarafyan: It's $5 dollars for an hour,
it's $4 if you bathe first.
Billy Crystal: Does it have to be
an hour all at once?
Billy Crystal: Can it be spread out
over like a month or two.
- We could--
- We'll work something out.
Billy Crystal: Oh good, okay.
♪
Daniel Stern: Holy [bleep]. $5 bucks.
♪
Daniel Stern: Anybody? I got 5.
- I got 5! Hello?
- [cow bellows]
Billy Crystal: [Mitch] Norman, not now!