The most interesting thing about all this tiresome bollocks with Kevin Pietersen is that we get a little peek into England’s future. James Taylor made a solid and unspectacular start to his Test career in the first Test and now Jonny Bairstow will return to play a few eye-level cricket shots. The future doesn’t seem all that shiny at first glance, but let’s take another look after five days of cricket before we firmly commit to pessimism.

But is the selection policy right when it comes to batsmen? To our eyes, new England batsmen of recent years can generally be lumped into one of three categories.

Wunderkinds

Young cricketers who take to Test cricket pretty much instantly. Examples include Alastair Cook and, er, that’s about it, actually. Probably shouldn’t have made that heading a plural.

Blunderkinds

Bit harsh, but we like the word. Most new England batsmen fall into this category. These are batsmen who are promising but wobbly and are in and out of the side until they’re older and more consistent. Examples include Ian Bell (Test debut at 22), Ravi Bopara (22), Eoin Morgan (23) and Jonny Bairstow (22).

There’s a case for saying that the competent older boys are just older blunderkinds, in which case surely the most logical selection policy would be to focus on established batsmen like Mike Carberry and Nick Compton. That’s a simplification though and adopting that policy would have meant wasting a lot of years of Alastair Cook.

We’re finding it hard to feel optimistic about England’s next batch of batsmen right now, but how much is the oft-cited strength in depth of England’s bowling down to the fact that so many seam bowlers have had chances to play Test cricket? Maybe Bairstow and Taylor are about to usher in a brave new world where England’s batting is the envy of the world?

It seems doubtful. Batting is different to bowling. There’s more catastrophic potential. Bowl a leg-side full toss and at least you get to turn at the end of your mark and have another go. Miss a straight one and that’s that.

Although we didn’t name him, we were thinking of Collingwood when we said ‘a fair few’. The main point is that these guys took to Test cricket quickly. The lack of one-dayers supports what we’re saying.

KP will be back, so that’s not the issue (for now). England has had the ideal opportunity for creating a master race of dominant test batsmen – that being a solid-to-dominant top five, an innings-rescuing wicket keeper, and a bowling attack that has every chance of defending 250. If they’d asked me to have a go at #6, I wouldn’t feel I was going to single-handedly lose the match for them.

The risk is that this structure falls apart before it is actually of use. A new #6 becomes a competent #6 becomes a full-blooded replacement for the next retiree from #s 1-5, and the cycle can begin again. But this hasn’t happened, and now the new #6 comes in with the responsibility to save a series.

For all the compliments given to the selection committee, the failure to find the right #6 in the last few years will come back to haunt them. And if it doesn’t come back to haunt them, I will, by rattling chains in the dead of night and moving ornaments around.

However, there does seem to be an emphasis on youth and we haven’t seen too much evidence that’s the way to go (yet). Maybe the Lions system is better, but does it accelerate development such that a few years’ cricket and life experience aren’t still greatly advantageous?

If Shankar is a “gate” then surely the KP texts and parody tweets are a “gate”.

As an aside, Daisy believes that “KP text-a-twit-gate” needs a conspiracy theory. While recognising the illogicality of a conspiracy theory for the affair, she points out that the alternative “realities” are even less plausible than conspiracy.

I think Daisy is simply unaccustomed to people with KP’s propensity towards random and self-destructive behaviour.

Be that as it may, we really do need to decide whether imbroglios around cranky cricketers in England are “gates” or not.

KP, we need a ruling from you. The responsibilities of majesty and all that.

The answer is staring us in the face. Going by the title of your post, I’d suggest England’s Next Top Batsman, but perhaps How Do You Solve a Problem Like Kevin?

Phil Tufnell, Michael Vaughan and Ian Botham have toured Australia and the West Indies, but now they take on their toughest challenge yet; finding an answer’s to England’s #6 (or #4) problem.

This winter, they will train a series of underprivileged young offenders, many of whom have never even seen a cricket bat. They’ll put them through a series of challenges, with the ultimate prize being a guaranteed slot in the first T20 against New Zealand next summer.

I was referring to the folk singer Karine Polwart, who we had enjoyed at a festival just a few weeks ago and was giving an interview and live performance on the Mike Harding show.

My lady friend thought I was referring to the other KP – Kevin Pietersen – and when she turned on the wireless to find music rather than the South African prince of preening, she promptly switched off.