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Thursday, 12 April 2018

The cruel ideal-Six ways to develop self acceptance

The cruel ideal-Six ways to develop self-acceptance

What if, everything you’ve ever done and everything you will
ever do is …OK?

Our culture has developed unrealistic high expectations to
maintain high production standards. Our media if full of ways to improve, be
better, more beautiful, more free, more everything! It’s ironic that most of
these standards drive us to adopt cruel ideals that are unattainable and drive
us further into misery. We have cruel ideals of what it is to be a good person,
mother, father, wife, daughter, worker, student… the list is infinite and each
person can tailor them for themselves. For some, they feel they are too fat,
too skinny, too this or too that. The details are not important, what is
important is that sense of not fitting into our lives. We believe that the
shape of who we are does not fit comfortably into the places, times and demands
of our lives.

This was the first lesson of the Buddha after he reached a
state of great understanding which he called enlightenment. He said that life
is essentially -dukkha. This is a Pali
term which has commonly been translated as suffering. However, the original
meaning came from a wheel which doesn’t fit into the axel. Dukkha will always
stick, not move harmoniously, and make sounds that are unpleasant, put extra
strain on the horse or ox who pulls the cart. In Buddha’s world of pre
industrial transportation, the sticking wheel would have been a common problem
which his listeners could relate to. Dukkha is a colourful analogy for the
cruel ideal.

Some uncomfortableness is necessary for personal growth and
evolution, when there is the right amount of challenge. Attainable challenges
are beneficial and lead to greater well-being. But some challenges invoke
pointless suffering. These kinds of suffering are associated with past events which
leave a shadow of trauma, and understandings and beliefs which are no longer
healthy. The child who blames herself for her parents separation and copes by imagining
that is she were cleaner, more organized, thinner…then she could control her
life better. That is the cruel ideal.

The cruel ideal is usually an attempt to get more control of
future events, which may or may not transpire. Obsessing about these events
create needless sufferings and will persist unless there is deep personal work.
By releasing the cruel ideal, we can come to appreciate the richness and beauty
of our lives- as we are. Not as we think we should be. The release of the cruel
ideal will help us develop more purposeful action, combined with compassion for
others within the context of soul.

Six practices for self-acceptance

1.Look in the mirror every day and practice complete
acceptance of what you see. Best to do this completely naked. Notice something
beautiful about your body, and then breathe in that beauty. On the out breath,
breathe out a sense of gratitude. Really feel both the in breath of beauty
appreciation and the out breath of gratitude. Let that sense of deep
self-acceptance sink into your whole being.

(In breath) I find the colour of my eyes to be beautiful. (Outbreath) I’m
so grateful for my vision; it brings me so much joy and connection in my life.

2.Notice
when you connect into the harsh demands of the cruel ideal. Then immediately
catch those thoughts and change them.

I’m getting old
and losing my looks. Change that to-I like the way my face is becoming more
mature, and I especially enjoy how age is giving me so many insights and
compassion towards others.

3.Look
out into the world and notice beauty. This is the greatest antidote to the
cruel ideal. Does the chickadee worry if it’s too small or its voice isn’t loud
enough? No! Nature is our greater soul, when we look out into it, we can see
wisdom and resolution if we can interpret its messages.

I see the spring
pussy willows right now from my window. They remind me that plants go through
many changes through their life cycles. Each cycle leads to another and
contributes to the whole environment. The difficult changes in my life can also
lead to contributions in ways that I can’t grasp right now.

4.Differentiate
between what is achievable and helpful to change, and what is a cruel ideal.

I will never be
young again, but I can continue to go to yoga twice a week and keep up my flexibility
so I can age well.

5.Journal every day a small section about ways you
can become more self-accepting. Notice where those cruel ideals came from
originally. Most likely they did not start with you; they were probably passed
onto you from others’ needs and demands.

I am disappointed I didn’t become a university
professor. Wait, where did that cruel ideal come from? Ah, yes. My mother
always wanted me to be a university professor. But by avoiding the restrictions of academic life, I was free to
develop my spirituality.

6.Finally, look for the gift in the cruel ideal,
once you have resolved it and accepted yourself and your unique soul path.

The gift in that
cruel ideal was that I spent many years at university which has given me the
gift of understanding of how to communicate with people who are trapped in the
reductionist world view.

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Welcome to my blog

Hello and welcome to my blog!

I am a holistic counsellor working in the Cowichan Valley. I incorporate your beliefs into the counselling sessions, giving a deeper meaning to your life-physically, emotionally and spiritually. I use a unique theory of counselling which I have developed over twenty years of counselling called World Metaphoric Transformation. This therapy comes from my years of study in a variety of spiritual traditions and from new findings in quantum and brain research. I have the perspective of an interconnectiveness of all being and invite environment to be a mirror for the soul.

You can contract me for an appointment at info@longboatcounselling.com

I write a monthly article on every-day spirituality in the Cowichan Valley Voice called, Try This!