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A statement from John Key

Apologise? What for? I’m not sorry for anything. I have done nothing wrong. It’s Phil Goff who should be apologising. It’s Phil Goff who should resign.

If you read the report you’ll see that the Inspector General has cleared me and my office completely. In fact, she has gone on to say that I’m a splendid chap who never tells untruths, and gosh what a good and honest fellow I am. It’s all there in the report. What was that? On which page? Read it yourself. I haven’t got time to tell you how to do your job. It’s all there. Right after the bit where she mentions that I’m the best leader New Zealand has ever had, and that Nicky Hager is a serial fantasist and conspiracy theorist.

Actually, you’re wrong. It does say that. Well not in so many words, but the meaning is pretty clear. Well it’s certainly the meaning I took, and at the end of the day people will have a range of views about the particular meanings we give to various words in the English language. Just open any dictionary if you don’t believe me. Look at how many meanings the word “lie” has. It could mean to tell an untruth, but it could just as easily mean to recline flat on a surface, such as a bed or a couch. So it’s okay to lie, particularly if you’re tired and want to go to bed. Is Phil Goff now suggesting that people should not be allowed to sleep? And Labour wonders why it is so out of touch with ordinary New Zealanders.

I’m focused on the issues that matter, and the people of New Zealand aren’t interested in who may or may not have acted corruptly or dishonestly, and weren’t Richie McCaw and the boys fantastic during the weekend, and look at this report exonerating Judith Collins, and well done to Lydia Ko, and what do you think about our flag?

Actually, this is all just a smear campaign by a desperate opposition, and I’m sure people will see it for what it is. Why don’t you ask some ordinary New Zealanders what they think? Go and ask Mike Hosking or Bill Ralston, or even Steven Joyce. Steven will tell you it’s all a beat up.

I think you’ll find at the end of the day that, actually, this is all Labour’s fault. It was an act of God. This whole thing only arose because of events arising following the Canterbury earthquakes. How can I be held responsible for the movement of tectonic plates? Labour had nine long years to do something about seismic activity in the Canterbury region, but what do they do about the problem?

I’m very relaxed about all of this. I’m relaxed about calls for honesty and integrity in our politicians, because at the end of the day who’s to say what is true and what is untrue? The only universal truth is the political poll, and everything else is relative. Some people will have views on what was said and done within my office, but I could easily find a right wing blogger with a different perspective. In fact, here’s David on the phone now. I’d better take this.