It’s red carpet time! Or, I guess in this case, it’s green carpet time. Young Hollywood turned out in droves for Sunday night’s Teen Choice Awards. I don’t know who won what award because I’m not a teen, and it’s not my choice. I chose to watch football. But I do enjoy seeing who wore what to the awards show.

The green carpet was shot outside, in natural light– something for which Beet always cuts celebs a little extra slack. But not me. Because its the same light that all of us have to live every day of our lives in. So when a celeb shows up on the red carpet in natural light that reveals their haggard eye bags and pancake makeup, I feel highly vindicated. Case in point: Amanda Bynes (above). I’m not sure what kinds of bottles she’s been hitting, or how often, but I’m convinced that bottles are definitely being hit.

I’m also convinced that inside Rumer Willis’ gullet is a pelican desperately struggling to swallow a fish.

Britney Spears, on the other hand, looked fabulous. I’ve never been a big fan of her fashion choices, but her dress tonight was sexy with a touch of class.

Miley Cyrus showed up in an outfit that may have been made up of pieces from her Wal-mart line. I have nothing against Wal-mart, and definitely nothing against Miley, but I’m not so sure that was the best fashion choice for an awards show. Nothing says tacky like a darkly colored bra showing through a wife beater.

Ahhh, my little Demi-goddess Lovato released another hit album, with Here We Go Again selling 108K copies and topping the Billboard charts. (Michael Jackson’s Number Ones sold more copies, but it’s ineligible for the charts because it’s an older album.)

Meanwhile, Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield sold a dismal 48,000 copies. Has anyone heard the single off that album? It’s terrible. If that’s what they released as the first single, I can’t even imagine the crap that’s on the rest of that album. No sweat off my back. I’m still angry with her for implying that pre-marital sex is slutty at the VMAs last year. You know what, Jordin? Having a flop of a sophomore album is slutty, too.

Here’s what it all comes down to: American Idol is brilliant at creating a big star of the moment, but when it comes to developing, nurturing and promoting talent in the long run, nobody can compete with Disney.

Jordin Sparks took in a Lakers game last night with her boyfriend, “singer” Steph Jones. I took twenty seconds out of my day to listen to some of his stuff on his MySpace page, and, IMHO, it’s totally unexceptional and amateurish. There’s a reason I hadn’t heard about him before now.

Jordin famously took Russell Brand to task at the VMAs last year for poking fun at the Jonas Brothers when they talked about promise rings. “It’s not bad to wear a promise ring,” she said on stage, “because not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a slut.” I found that statement exceptionally annoying, and I resent the implication that the decision to have pre-marital sex makes one a “slut.” (I don’t like the term “slut” in general, but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway. I’m wondering if Jordin’s letting this dude pork her, or if she sits at home polishing her promise ring while he jacks off in the bathroom.

I spent Sunday sledding on a freeway exit and searching for a cell phone in two feet of snow with a metal detector, but Jordin Sparks? Arrived in Perth, Australia, where the sun shines as brightly as her virginity.

I’m still a little bitter with her for announcing at the VMAs that anyone who doesn’t wear a promise ring is a slut, but, still. Jordin Sparks actually was looking quite good at this Avon charity event in NYC. It’s amazing what a team of stylists can do, isn’t it?