ARA: I spent $800 on his gift, he got me a wallet

I purchased a $800 piece of art for my boyfriend of a year for Christmas. He purchased me a $275 dollar wallet. I am a student and have a full-time job…. I worked very, very hard to be able to buy him something so incredibly meaningful and thought out. He is an investment banker… makes almost 6 x the amount of money I do. In the grand scheme of things, I love him more than anything…. but this is bothering me. Am I being a brat? I just feel like at the core.. maybe the money IS an issue, but it’s more about- really? just a wallet?

94 Responses

WHAT! How would you know already what you both gave each other…. Christmas isn’t here yet and shouldn’t the gift be a surprise. I believe gifts are the thought not the amount spent. That is a lot of money for either one of you to spend on a xmas gift.

First off I must say that the reason for GIVING gifts is not supposed to be a.) To get a gift back b.)buy an expensive gift so you might get an expensive gift back! Gift giving is very easy if you do it right. No matter the ocassion. When our family gives gifts we give it from the heart. It gives us pleasure to GIVE to others. No matter the cost, we try to give personal, meaningful gifts to the recievers. It doesn’t have to be expensive.

The fact that you carefully thought out a gift for your boyfriend is wonderful. Why did you pick a piece of art for your boyfriend? Does he LOVE art? Maybe you need to evaluate your relationship if this is the way you feel. What about the gift he gave you? Did you need and want a wallet or did he just give you a wallet? Maybe you are not on the same page with your relationship status? Always give a gift from your heart and never expect anything in return. That is why it is called a “GIFT”.

Perfect example as to why I have ‘issues’ with this holiday. What’s pathetic about this, is that it’s just a drop in the bucket of the many gift givers and receivers that have forgotten what the true meaning of Christmas is.

Reader, please stop keeping score. It’s not becoming. However, you said it yourself that perhaps money IS the issue. If that’s the case, then I sincerely wish you much luck in finding your true love that can meet your needs. You should probably move on because apparently this one is not going to do that. Merry Christmas.

Reader, this could be a test. Shut your mouth, and grin ear to ear at your gift. You don’t want to come off as a Gold-Digging b*tch. For all you know he might have something “more expensive” in mind for you. ;)

Yes you’re being a brat. What did you expect? The handbag too? Gifts aren’t about the amount of money you spend. They are about making someone happy you care about. If you’re giving a gift for the sole reason of getting one in return, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason. If the guy is stingy and cheap that’s a different issue but that’s not what happened here. To me, you overspent. He didn’t underspend. And don’t skip your car payment next time.

I make it a point each year to talk to my boyfriend and set a mutually agreed upon spending limit (typically under $300) for the holidays. We each have other expenses and gift lists to tackle, so being up front about what is reasonable takes a lot of the pressure off come gift exchange time.

Just because he has a high salary doesn’t mean he’s comfortable with excess around the holidays. Maybe he feels that he “gifts” you in other ways all year round? Does he usually pay for dinner or date nights? Take you on nice vacations? Always drive his car to and from events? It all adds up. If I was in your shoes I’d scale back for the next gift giving event (birthday, anniversary, etc.) and chalk this up as a learning experience.

I can’t imagine lining the gifts my boyfriend gives me side by side and comparing how much *they* cost with how much *mine* cost. Because it’s not about that (and I say that as the one who traditionally spends more money on him than vice versa). It’s about the thought.A good gift will grow to or already have meaning far beyond the price tag… if it’s a wallet you’ve been envying, be appreciative of the fact you are dating someone astute enough to notice what you like and take the time to buy it for you. If not, be happy you have a man who tries to pick out things he thinks you will like!

If you really love him, you need stop let go of petty, material stuff like who spent more or bought bigger things.

$800 is certainly a lot of money to spend on one single gift. It sounds like it’s probably your first Christmas together, and maybe you went a litte overboard. But…it’s not even December yet. How do you know he’s JUST getting you a wallet?

wow $800 on your bf you have been dating a year. Seems a bit excessive to me. As an investment banker maybe he realizes its not a smart financial decision to spend $800 on a gf of a year.

This will be the 5th christmas for my boyfriend and I, and every year we set a budget. This allows us to do 2 things, 1) not over spend, and 2) work really hard to think of great ideas to get the other with in the budget. I suggest in the future doing something like a $200-$300 limit, so that you have to work hard to figure out what things you can get him, and vise versa that will be meaningful to each of you, and you wont have a comparison of who spent more, cause you will both have spent the same!

Sounds to me like it’s not about the money difference but maybe more about the thoughtfulness difference. As someone who takes a lot of pride and ownership in gift-giving I tend to spend a lot of effort (and sometimes money too) in choosing the right and meaningful gifts for someone.

If you are that type of person, it can be a bit discouraging to receive a gift that does not really reflect your personality or demonstrate the same amount of effort. However, this is something that thoughtful gift-givers must deal with. I’ve learned to find the most joy out of seeing someone open a gift I hand-picked for them, and put less emphasis on the gifts given to me.

Bottom line is that I think you should be appreciative of his gift no matter how much or little he has spent.

I never understand how this happens. Around October you talk and set a spending limit. Since you’re a student then your limit shouldn’t be $800 and heck probably shouldn’t even be $275. You’re to blame on this one.

I have never owned a $275 wallet in my life. If my boyfriend of a year decided to spend that much money on me, I would be thrilled. You chose to buy that piece of art for him, therefore he is not at fault for anything, and you need to figure out a way of showing him you really appreciate that gift he gave you.

Instead of going all out for each other and trying to see who can spend the most money on who each year, my boyfriend and I agree to a limit (it has been around $100 for the last few years)of our spending on each other, and decide to pay down some bills with the rest of the money….eventually we will be back to zero. Maybe you should be more concerned about paying your bills since you are still in school rather than spending $800 on a gift for someone.

Your perspective is a little skewed. A $275 wallet is not “just a wallet”. It doesn’t matter how much he makes. He obviously thought you would like a wallet and he spent a good chunk of change getting you a nice one. (Coach, Louis Vuitton?)
I also think $800 is a ridiculous amt to spend on a boyfriend of ANY amount of time.

Live & Learn- but the lesson isn’t to spend less, it’s to spend what you’re comfortable with and not expect a certain dollar amount in return. I hate to say this, but since you asked- Yes, you are being a brat.

Maybe your concept of what’s an appropriate gift amount is just different than his. My first Christmas with my now husband I spent WAY more than he did on me, and yes, at first my feelings were a little hurt. Then over time it became clear that we just had different traditions of what gift giving should be. Now we talk before hand on what the $ limit is going to be each year. Oh, and I’ve never ever mentioned I was hurt. I think that would actually really hurt his feelings – and I suspect your boyfriend would be hurt if he knew how much this bothered you. If you love him as much as you say you do than in the long run this should be a non-issue.

As #22 wrote – If the issue is the disparity in money spent, then you are being a brat. If the issue is a perceived disparity in thoughtfulness, then there are a whole bunch of other questions to ask. Is he otherwise thoughtful? Is he otherwise generous with you? I am very generous (read: I spend too much on gifts) but I am just not very good at really thoughtful gift ideas. I mean, that sounds like a really nice wallet! He may have actually put a lot of thought into that wallet. I love my wife very much and I could totally see myself saying “I know, I’ll get her a really nice wallet! That’d be great!” (Cue the “I pity your wife” comments.)

I agree with the other readers, you are being a brat. You got him something you thought he would like, and he bought you something he thought you would like. He spent almost $300 on your gift, it is not like he spent $50! In the future set limits, thats what my husband and I do, and if you exceed that limit its on you, no one else.

1) Decide before hand your limit for what you’re going to spend on each other. 2) If you decide not to, then you deal with it and be grateful for what you have received. A $275 wallet must be high end Tory Burch, Marc Jacobs, etc. He obviously knew you would like it if he spent that much on a wallet.

I do see zack’s point. There will always be people in need, but that doesn’t mean you have to give to everyone and give nothing to yourself.

To some (myself included) $800 is a lot of money, but to others it’s an hour’s salary. In this case, though, we are talking about a student and $800 seems like a lot to spend. This could’ve been prevented if the two set a limit (something I do with everyone in my life — family, friends, etc.) in advance.

Reader, did you purchase the $800 artwork for him because it was the perfect gift for him? Or did you subconsciously think “if I spend $800 on him and I only make X, for sure he’s going to spoil me rotten with ____ and spent three or four times that?” You should have talked more about Christmas gifts, how much to spend, and what you both wanted. I don’t think you necessarily have to put a limit on it but somehow you feel like you got the short end of the stick when really the price shouldn’t matter at all.

A $275 wallet, is not “just a wallet.” I was expecting to read that he bought a cheap knock off or a $15 dollar one from Walmart. You went way above and beyond your means, but that was your choice. Was your limit $800 dollars? He makes 6x as much as you, and he has 6x more common sense too.

I get that Kristy (despite Zach’s condecsending post, hence the get over yourself comment). I guess what I was trying to state is that she is whining about a $275 wallet… Really, where are the priorities? I guess I was raised differently. Honestly, if my husband of 21 years spent that kind of money on a wallet for me – I would be upset & question his judgement.

What lead you to spend $800 on a gift for your boyfriend? I am not planning on spending $800 on my girlfriend and family members this year combined. Call me cheap but my family has been pairing down holiday gifts gradually over the years now that we all have homes and other responsibilities. We would all rather get together for the day, have a great meal, and enjoy our time together. In addition did you give him some gift ideas? My dad is notorious for not giving any gift ideas around the holidays and we always joke that if he doesn’t give them he gets the most ridiculous useless thing I can find.

Most couples I know based on financial situations get together and discuss gift exchanges in advance to avoid these type of situations. I’d rather get a cheaper gift than having to deal with the residual resentment and unnecessary stress involved in the situation.

Both of you went overboard. As a student with limited $, I don;t care how much you like him $800 is way too much to spend,and forget $275 for a wallet. All status symbol . And yes you are bring a brat.

Wow…I think a psychiatric professional could have a field day with this question. Why the heck did you spend $800 on a person you’ve only known a year?? And you are a student? Seems to me like you feel inferior to him and are trying to buy his approval, (maybe that is harsh, but it’s how I see it given the little information we have to go on). I think he had the right idea. Buy you something you can use for what I consider to be a pretty good sum of money. I don’t spend over $200 on anyone’s Christmas gift. You overspent. He bought you an appropriate gift given the amount of time you have known each other.

If your point is one of perspective, than I wholeheartedly agree. That is not what your original post implied. Your original post implied that ANY amount of money spent on ANYTHING other than helping starving kids is a waste.

And that statement, no matter how noble it may be, is simply impractical.

I’m confused too. If you take the costs of the 2 items in question out of the equation is the reader saying that she/(he) did not like the wallet gift?

Reader, the way you posed your question I don’t think you are. (I think you liked the wallet). You are in fact more concerned about the prices of the items. Does caring about how much money you spend on a gift make you a brat? No. Does caring about how much others spend on you (make you a brat)? YES.

However, if you didn’t like the wallet gift (it just wasn’t your style) in the 1st year of a relationship it’s your opportunity to learn about the other persons likes and dislikes.

For example when I 1st started dating the person I’ve been with for over 10 years he gave me action movie DVDs. I thanked him for the gift and told him that they just weren’t right for me. I enjoy action movies very much but I would probably only enjoy them when I was with him. He understood that I may not enjoy action movies but that I enjoy watching movies like that with him.

Why would you spend $800 on a gift to somebody you’ve been in a relationship with for only 1 year? How do you even have that much to spend on 1 person to begin with? Does he like art? What did he ask you for? Did you ask for the wallet? Tomorrow is Dec. 1st. Like most men he probably won’t even start shopping too much before maybe the 23rd. He quite possibly will buy something else. What did he say when you told him what you bought for him? And why would you even tell each other what you bought?? I’ve been together with my fiance for almost 7 years and we only buy each other a few small things. He has a child and he spends most of his Christmas budget on him.

Spoiled Brat! I have been with my boyfriend for 2 plus years, this will be our 3rd Christmas together. I would hope that if I spent $800 dollars on him for a piece of art he would slap me, and I would slap him if he spent that much money on a wallet for me. Christmas isnt about who got who what and how much each of you paid. Its about spending time with each other and enjoying each others company, I’m upset this Christmas because I may not get to see my boyfriend Christmas Eve because he may have to work his second job. So Brat enjoy your over paid for wallet.

Yes, you are being a brat! I give to give, not to recieve! I love to give people gifts, to pick them out and see their reactions! Maybe your boyfriend could only afford a $275 wallet! Maybe he has another trick up his sleeve, who knows; there are 24 days until Christmas! Who needs a wallet that expensive anyway?!

Boy, isn’t the reader getting pounded on right now. Not going to repeat the whole “it’s not about the money” argument, but if it really is for you and you guys have some sort of “spending agreement” then keep in mind that the price of art can be rely difficult to evaluate, so maybe he thought you spent around $300 (again, not that it should matter). Please tell me you didn’t leave the receipt on the table, or something passive aggressive like that…

I’d be furiuous if my boyfriend bought me a $275 wallet… just because who the heck blows $275 on a wallet?? If you were only complaining about his thoughtfulness, you’d get a pass. But you seem hung up on the fact that you spent $800 and he only spent $275. So yeah, you’re being a brat.

Wow. I’ve been in this situation before with an ex but it was more like, I spent $50 and he spent like, $5, lol.

Honestly I think both amounts of money – the $800 and the $275 – is just way too much money. I’m sure he never thought you were going to spend that much. I see where you are coming from, and I understand why you’re hurt, but honestly I’m sure this is not a reflection whatsoever about how much he cares about you.

My boyfriend and I, dating two and a half years…sometimes for Christmas/birthday/anniversaries one of us spends much more than the other, depending on a variety of factors such as how much is at the time. I remember like last Valentine’s Day I think it was, I bought him some hair gell and a couple other small things and he bought me a really, really nice necklace and I was like, oh….thanks…I’m an ass… But then again, for my birthday he burned CDs for me so that cost, what, nothing? Go figure.

Again, I see where you are coming from, but I would try to let it go and not worry about this one too much.

Maybe he was actually being thoughtful by trying not to get you a gift that was too expensive. He might have assumed that your budget was limited and he did not want to go overboard out of fear that you would be embarrassed if there was big discrepancy and he inadvertently ended up with the opposite problem.

Ah yes folks here we have the spoiled girlfriend, complaining about why “I spent so much on him, but he didn’t return the favor!”. Has Christmas truly lost it’s family value? Now it is being replaced with fancy gadgets, and expensive pieces of plastic and leather. Maybe this woman needs to realize that she has the best gift all, a boyfriend that cares enough about her to even consider buying her crap at all. He could be a dou** bag and beat her up…or he could pour bleach in her eyes, or maybe beat her to a pulp where she requires surgery to fix her face. But noooo he buys her a $275 wallet. How dare he! :o/ Wake up lady and consider yourself fortunate, thank your boyfriend for the gift and quit your b**ching, and remember you CAN NOT put a price tag on family, friends and your partner.

There’s still time between now and Christmas. Here are a few fun options:

– Return the art work, buy him something that costs $274.99 (just slightly less than what he spent on you) and pocket the difference. You can put it towards the purchase of a realistic lens with which to see the world. I think they sell those at Brookstone.

– Get some iron-on letters and make yourself a shirt to wear on Christmas morning. It can say, “I spent $800 & all I got was this crappy wallet.” Wear a robe until he gives you the wallet. Then surprise him!

– Drop some subtle hints on what other gifts you want in addition to the wallet. Like $800 to go in it.

– Take a step back and realize that money comes and money goes. If you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, there will be many Christmases and many gifts; some big, some small. Speaking personally, this is my first Christmas alone in many years, and just having someone to spend it with would be worth a million dollars to me.

I don’t think this reader is that concerned with the amount at the thought that went into the gift. She obviously thought out and planned on buying this piece of art for him and she was upset he didn’t put that much thought in her gift. I’ve had that problem myself as I have put tremendous thought into my boyfriends gift and he didn’t put thought in mine in return. I honestly think women put a TON more thought into gifts in general then men do and there isn’t much that will change about that. To prevent this from happening again, I would suggest to him things you like or tell a friend to talk to him but guys are mostly the same and won’t sit there and google gifts till 4a.m….they just won’t. I don’t think his gift has anything to do with his feelings towards the reader.

If you’re dating an investment banker who makes 6x as much as you, think of the bigger picture here. Don’t complain now about getting a $275 wallet. Get this poor sucker to marry your bratty butt and then you can stick him for YEARS of dinners, a house, kids, and lots of muy expensivo Christmas gifts.

His gift may cost you $800 now, but think of the years and $$$ you can suck out of this poor guy if you just swallow your anger and let this happen.

PS- ARAs like this make me so glad to be single. And gay. Oh god am I glad to be gay.

Dear ARA, no you really don’t “love him more than anything”. Fred will say what other readers are thinking but don’t want to say: This will be your first and last Christmas with this man. Merry Christmas.

I wouldn’t necessarily call you a brat, but I don’t think that comparing gifts is what Christmas is about. What I’m shocked about is that you spent that much. I’m a full-time grad student and have been with my boyfriend almost four years. He would be very upset with me if I spent that much on him because it would be so outside my means. Our gifts are definitely not equal in cost and I feel bad about that, but I’m glad I’m with someone that isn’t comparing how much we both spend on one another. It’s awesome that you were so generous with your boyfriend but since you’re in such different financial positions I would think he wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting a gift that would set you back financially.

I think the irony of his gift of an empty wallet is priceless.
I guess if it’s your first year together consider it lesson learned.
If you prefer things be exchanged equivalently, you may want to have that discussion. Good luck.

As previously mentioned from fellow readers, did you ask your boyfriend for that wallet? If you did, you’re being a brat (I really hate to say that :( ). If you didn’t, your boyfriend does not truly know you. You need to communicate more to him.

So… Did a month go by that I wasn’t aware of…I thought we still had 25 days until Christmas….??

I would say that you are being a brat. You’ve only been together 1 year what were you expecting…?? You choose to spend $800 dollars. I have never spent that much on HUSBAND…. and $275 for a wallet isn’t cheap. He didn’t go to wal-mart and buy one for 20 bucks !! Since Christmas hasn’t happened yet how do you know there isn’t more than the wallet…maybe gift cards or money can go in that.

Or maybe…since you’re worried about money its appropriate he got you just a wallet….

This made me laugh. I don’t think I’ve spent $800 on Christmas gifts for my husband in the 10 years we’ve been together. And my $7 wallet is 5 or 6 years old and still going strong…if you have to ask a question like this, you’re probably too insecure to be in any relationship and if I were your boyfriend, I’d be running away right now.

I don’t think that we should bash the reader. I can understand being frustrated when you have gone to great lengths & spent more money than the person you are exchanging with — it could bother me too. You also don’t know if the boyfriend is planning on giving another gift besides the wallet.

With that said, I do agree with others that the point of the holiday is not about money — but the thought behind the gift. If it bothers you this much, this early before Xmas, you are just going to stew about it — you should talk to him and explain how you are feeling. You can tell him that you spent $800 on a really great gift for him and that you expect that he is spending far less on you, then ask him what does he want to do — would he rather have you return your gift and get a less expensive gift instead?

I strongly agree with setting spending limits ahead of time — it avoids these types of situations.

$275 seems like a lot of money to me! We do not spend a lot on presents. Maybe $100- $200 at most.
I think a lot has to do with what people are used to doing.They kind of feel each other out. The first year we spent about $50 on each other.
$800 seems a lot. And maybe he “only” spent $275 because he knew you did not have a lot of money, and did not want to make you feel awkward. Gift giving is fraught with peril, have a conversation next time.

You are equating the item “wallet” with his affection for you. You obviously spent a huge amount of time “showing” your BF how you feel by spending the money & time on purchasing the art work. A man is not going to think like a woman and I think this situaton is bothering you because you are sensing a discrepency deeper in your relationship. The inequality in the relationship, be it money, power, level of emotional investment, who washes the dishes, etc… is what is really bothering you.

Whiny Brat-Yes
Material Girl-Yes
Art Work for a present-Tricky unless that piece was truly desired. And prices/value can be subjective.
If she made her BF aware of her feelings, this could turn out to be an unplanned test of her fiscal and emotional stability.
If I had an extra $800, it would go on the mortgage, for her it should go against college (or other) debt.
Unless she is trolling for a Sugar Daddy, then she was chumming the water.