A Revised Policy Concerning the Enjoyment of Unseasonably Pleasant Weather, with Caveat

by Jørgen G. Cleemann

After careful consideration, the Board has decided to reverse its earlier ruling concerning the mandatory condemnation of any expression of delight at the unseasonably warm and pleasant weather conditions that have settled over the Eastern seaboard of the United States. The Board cites several reasons for this reversal, chief among them being the undeniable niceness of the weather, which is simultaneously warm, breezy, exceptionally clear, and yet still replete with that mid-winter light quality that takes full advantage of whatever moisture exists in the air, and that casts exceptionally beautiful shadows of the naked trees. Such conditions, the Board observes, have allowed for the indulgence in a number of highly agreeable outdoor activities that might otherwise have been restricted by normal winter weather. Among the more cherished of these activities are: strolling, lollygagging, loafing about parks, observing the frolicking of dogs, sitting on public benches, tossing Frisbees, loitering in the quad, and sleeping with the window open.

Even the most casual observers will recognize this reversal as being at odds with the Board's past policies, which advocated a most inimical attitude towards those who reveled in catastrophic climate change. The Board acknowledges that past memoranda have recommended that any such willfully ignorant and shortsighted expressions of joy be met with "unblinking stares, sarcastic and contemptuous comments, recitations of terrifying statistics and anecdotes regarding the consequences of global warming," and other unfriendly gestures designed to "put the offender into a state of speechless shame or pathetic backpedaling." While the Board does not regret any of its past measures, it does recognize that it would be arrogant folly to stand in defiance of public opinion as overwhelming as that supporting the current weather conditions. The Board has no desire to hasten its own irrelevance, and it is with this in mind that it conceived of the policy that is the subject of this memorandum.

CAVEAT: The essential position of the Board remains unchanged; the instant policy merely relates to the Board's required measures for public responses to the aforementioned expressions of delight. Therefore, in the interest of promoting consistency among its constituency, the Board issues the following caveat to those who plan on taking advantage of this newfound leniency:

Persons who go on record as being enthusiastic supporters of mild winters will be subjected to the most withering and caustic criticism if they are heard, at any other time of the year, speaking ill of other conditions that are also undeniable symptoms of global warming. It will be understood that the definition of such symptoms will extend beyond the most obvious example of preposterously hot and muggy summers. Any such person found lamenting the superabundance of cockroaches, rats, mosquitoes, or any other creature that thrives in tropical climes, will be similarly scolded. If the person in question is also a winter sports enthusiast, and if that person is heard complaining of the short or nonexistent window in which his or her pastime may be exercised, that person will be made the subject of a vigorous upbraiding. If the person professes to enjoy the outdoors, but then complains bitterly when enormous swathes of forest succumb to pestilence, that person will be lectured sternly. If the person fancies himself a humanitarian, and expresses shock at the consequences of an unusually active hurricane season, or at the catastrophic failure of any region's crops due to an unprecedented drought, or at a war waged between two impoverished peoples over access to a fresh water supply, that person will be fully ostracized from any future gatherings, public or private, at which the Board is also present. This person will also be excoriated in print. The Board reserves the right to define other symptoms of global climate change on a case-by-case basis, and in conferral with the current findings of the uninterested scientific community.

The Board wishes to remind its constituency that, in conceiving these measures, it only had their best interests in mind. Have a pleasant winter.