Friday, September 18, 2009

I love reading these crime logs from our local newspaper. It's almost as if someone on staff words them specifically in the hopes that I'll find them and mock them - which of course I do in the bold print that follows each one.

So thank you St. Cloud Times for allowing us to laugh at your expense. Now, let's see what our fine public servants have had to deal with over the last few weeks.

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A theft was reported Sept. 3 on Ninth Street West in Zimmerman. Someone stole beer from a garage. The loss is worth $15.... Police have since released the following transcripts:Help! My wife has been kidnapped at gunpoint, my car was stolen and they took my beer. You have to do something immediately. It was my last 12 pack!

A theft was reported Aug. 24 on 170th Street in Big Lake Township. A caller reported that fishing gear was stolen from his boat when it was parked in his driveway....The owner was then reminded that he had LEFT FISHING GEAR IN HIS UNLOCKED BOAT IN HIS DRIVEWAY!

A girl reported that she was walking her dogs down the street when one of them started barking at a man. The man said if she didn’t make the dog stop, he was going to kick it. The man went to kick the dog and the girl punched him in the face. She then ran home. Police could not locate the man.... However, the newly empowered girl has since formed a local branch of Guardian Angels and was recently seen patrolling St. Cloud's rougher neighborhoods along with her "posse" - The K-9 Killers.

A suspicious person was reported at 3:04 p.m. Wednesday at St. Germain Street and Seventh Avenue South. A caller said a man was walking down the street with two socks filled with rocks. The man was swinging the socks around. Police spoke to the man who said the socks had tennis balls in them. He was using them to practice using fire batons. Police determined that the socks weren’t dangerous...... and asked the man to kindly keep his balls tucked away where they belong.

A suspicious person was reported at 10:46 p.m. Tuesday at Burger King, 3310 Division St. An employee called police after a man tried to get into the building and was acting strangely. Officers spoke to the man who said he was hungry. An officer bought him a burger and coffee and the man left.(Hold on... this is a nice story. Nothing to add here)

And, from the "Really, you called 911 about THAT?!" files:

A caller reported that two men were on the roof of a building. Police spoke to the men, who were workers and supposed to be there....The woman called the police again later when she saw a man dressed in a blue uniform putting letters in her mailbox.

A caller said someone was knocking on her door. Police did not find anyone in the area....The woman called the police again later when someone tried calling her on the phone.

A caller received a letter that asked her to send a check for $19 in order to receive $1.4 million. Police determined the letter was a scam....The woman called the police again later when she received spam in an email.

A caller said a vehicle was driving in the parking lot and left the area. Police stopped the vehicle and spoke to the driver, who said he was checking whether a nearby business was open....The person called the police again later when he noticed a car stopping at stop signs and then continuing to drive forward.

A caller reported hearing people talking and yelling. The caller said it sounded like someone was playing in the fountains. Police could not locate anyone and didn’t see any wet footprints by the fountains....The person called the police again later after hearing birds chirping and frolicking in the trees.

COME ON PEOPLE... OUR POLICE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO! Like investigating REAL crimes and protecting the public? Seriously.

And finally, my favorite way to end these crime log posts...

You provide the punchline! Ready?

A caller reported seeing a woman outside hugging and kissing a telephone pole. The woman then fell down into some bushes. Police found the woman passed out in the bushes. They took her to St. Cloud Hospital.

doozie - I would have loved to hear you at your job as a 911 dispatcher. I bet you had a really sore tongue from biting it all the time.

michelle - No, that's a good one. The only reason I mentioned it is because I instantly came up with 3 perverted responses to that... and figured if *I* (you know, the morally sensitive guy I am) could come up with something dirty, it would be super easy to land in the gutter for other people. ;-)

heather - Yes, one is upright, strong and stands tall... the other comes from a country in Europe. Is that what you meant?

jd - I know, isn't she awesome? I totally want to know who she is so I can interview her, but I doubt the newspaper would release that information to me. In fact, I doubt the newspaper would do ANYTHING for me the way I pick on them here.

The woman was released after she explained that she had mistaken the pole for Keanu Reeves. "When I thought about, it seemed plausible, what with his height and wooden acting," the arresting officer wrote in his report.

The poor woman is a leftover hippie tree-hugger taking things a bit far. That pole was her best friend only a few years ago. The LSD in her system was dormant for years but then a phrase on the Jay Leno show triggered it to become active again.

A caller reported a strange vehicle with out of country plates parked at the local Starbucks. All of a sudden a motorcycle pulled up and then two people hugged and talked; one very tall and the other very short.