Britney! I understand how you feel, almost exactly! I don’t know if you used to be frightened by the idea of outer space, but when I was younger I was terrified by it. Everything was so big and I was so small and it was terrifying. Then I began to think about it and it became amazing. Everyone can do this big thing, but it’s only big for them. Only big for four billion people, but if you think about it all, maybe four billion people isn’t that much.

@Katherine
The RuPaul thing reminded me of the Princess Diaries (the books are actually really really good) when Mia’s new English teacher tells her that she needs to stop referencing pop culture in her writing, and Mia feels really oppressed because she wants to be a writer when she grows up and stuff.
And I totally get the whole Christ-y boys dilemma. I go to a Catholic school (ugh) and it feels like literally all the boys are named either Gabriel or John. Especially the cute ones. *sigh*

Britney I feel like maybe we are on the same wavelength about everything right now?

I have also been thinking a lot about outer space lately. I have these stick-on stars/planets on the wall and ceiling above my bed, which both reminds me of my insignificance and makes me feel like I have my own private universe.

I don’t know what to say to you, Ruby. . . That piece was ridiculously good and you are a ridiculously good person. Thank you for helping me understand a little more. Also, thank god you have Zach, who is obviously the best.

Ruby,
I was in a specialized hospital like yours for attempted suicide in January for about 3 and ½ days. similar rules, although I couldn’t wear a bra with a wire, and had to wear a sports bra instead*. The rules were a lot stricter and rigid. I spent the first day crying about wanting to go home. i barely saw my doctors, and never even met with my assigned social worker during my stay. Another doctor(not my assigned one) found me crying and at the middle of the second day and basically told me to fake being better so i could leave. i had 2 roommates, one in for homicidal threats and the other for hearing voices(she justified this as being a ghost in her home that her whole family heard). your hospital sounds a lot better than mine was. the whole place wasn’t insulated properly, and being january and chicago, the nights were freezing. My meals were always screwed up because I am a vegetarian. I wish you the best of luck in recovering from this. if rookie had a pen pals thing, i would totally send you a letter filled with rainbows and sparkles to take instead of having to take lots of medications for everything.
feel better,
maxie

Ruby, your entry was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read here on Rookie. Thank you for taking the time to create such a personal, well-written piece and share it with us. Although we don’t know each other, through your diaries I feel as if I know you, so I’m sending you love, always.

Ruby you are so amazing. I hope you’re happy. Your entry reminded me of It’s Kind of a Funny Story. But wow. I love you! For a while I thought there was a mix-up and your entry was fictional. I just think you’re so great, I wouldn’t have the courage to write something so personal. You’re amazing.

Hey Ruby,
I just wanted to say that A) being in the hospital sucks… it really, really, really sucks. I’ve been there twice in the past two years (anorexia and hearing voices), fun times. No but seriously you deserve to have a much happier, better teenagedom than the world/god/whatever/whoever(?) has given you. Also your diaries are so chillingly honest but still in a really weird way awesome (I guess because you have some real writin’ talent gurl) and I hope you will be doing better soon!!
P.S. If you are in Childrens Hospital right now (I guesses that because of the way you described the rooms) when you get an on grounds pass totally go down to the basement because it is perfect and creepy and there are these little electronic buses which drive around…

Ruby – that was so fantastic of you to write this experience, and to make it so moving. Thanks for being brave enough to share! xxx

Also, Naomi, I really appreciate your entries at the moment. I’m constantly finding myself reflecting over everything right now, and always find myself thinking about a certain stupid boy (what a surprise), who I wish I could ignore and forget. I’ve often thought why him? considering all he’s done to me, and always come to your conclusion that there is no reason, it just is. It’s not something you can definitively ‘get over’ and sometimes remembering and nostalgia is like a punch in the gut. Looking forward is the right thing to do though!! xxx

My love (and probably all of Rookie’s too) to Mancala, Zach the Boyfriend (he sounds amazing, hope he’s really as great as he comes across as ’cause if he is you’ve got someone special girl) and especially you Ruby.

You don’t owe anything to anyone other than yourself and no one can tell you want you want, because no one knows you better than yourself. Trust your heart, carry your head proudly and remember that whatever happens we will always love you.

Psst! Hey! Can you keep a secret? This month's theme is TRUST, which is about honesty and its opposite, plus so much more. If you’d like to entrust us with an essay or a photo set, comic, poem, short story, or any other pitch you’ve got, please email it to submission@rookiemag.com. ✪

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Rookie is a website for teenage girls. With monthly-themed content, we update three times every weekday, and once a day on weekends. Click here to find out where to send stuff you'd like us to see. Learn about the people who write this thing here.