More Darkness

The problem, perhaps my central problem, is that I'm naturally lazy. I want to short circuit the path to brilliance, to excellence in art, in expression, in being a human worthy of approbation. I've all but given up on philosophy. Argument, or even friendly philosophic discourse, has lost much of its appeal; in short, I am not inclined to want to proffer reasons for my beliefs, whatever they may be (I'm not sure) anymore. I think there is too much egoism involved in being an ironist to ever become one. I agree with Rorty that doubt is a luxury: skepticism can morph into decadence, and I despise those sloppy of spirit. I similarly am in possession of a passionate hatred (too strong a word?) for nihilism in its moral and value manifestations, though there is a creeping suspicion that haunts the core of my being that there is no God and that moral reality is contingent on human desire. Disgusting! How perverse and goddamned disgusting reality would be if such were the case. Epistemic nihilism strikes me as self defeating, and talk of "the myth of reality" as the words of one divorced from experience.

Everything rings hollow. I am increasingly intolerant of any form of sensory stimulation. Noises that used to go unregistered to consciousness now sound like a bell tolling ten feet away. I increasingly hate all things human, and yet am of the understanding that it may be that human beings are my only salvation. I am so lonely. It is a little strange that I would lament my loneliness, or I shall say, experience loneliness while at the same time experience a rising misanthropy. Contradiction. I am a man of contradictions.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
-Walt Whitman

How could one, considering the imposing, overwhelming nature of the universe, ever consider himself "large?" I am small and contain multitudes.

This was written on my birthday. My birthday really sucked; I honestly felt that nobody in my family gave a crap about me, and I hardly have any real friends. Remember that Life. What is it about blog entry I made that you read out loud (wonderfully, I might add) on Youtube? Well, this blog entry of yours reminded me about part of that. It was the part about atheists...

I hope you're still alive, as I'd be quite saddened that the very person who's blog made me realize that I'm not alone in having thoughts of moral horror, making me feel a bit less strange and alone in the world, is gone.

I raise my glass to you in thanks for giving me a bit of hope, and wish the best for you. If you already have departed this world, best wishes that you found what you were looking for, and if you have not left this world, I hope you write again.