I Took Female Viagra for a Week

I was so over fucking my last boyfriend. We were together for four years and by the third of those my libido was as MIA as he seemed to think my clitoris was. I just couldn’t be bothered, he knew I couldn’t be bothered, even our Chihuahua knew I couldn’t be bothered. I was also on the pill, which can make your body reject the idea of sex entirely (gr8 contraceptive, for realsies).

Towards the end, we literally never had sex, not even when we really hated each other, which is like, the only good time to have sex with anyone. In hindsight, maybe we wouldn’t have had to buy the fucking Chihuahua if I wasn’t so sexually indifferent. It would have given us something to bond over, that wasn’t a tiny, yappy little bitch.

You know what would have made my life a bit easier during those dark years? A big, fat dose of Viagra. If it works for old guys whose dicks are limper than Andy Warhol’s handshake, why shouldn’t it work for me? I spent a week testing out all the different forms of female Viagra I could find, and hoped that at least one of them would turn me into a dribbling, thrusting sex-pest.

Yay for Viagra!

DAY 1: Pink Venus Shot – (£4, Ann Summers)

This is a cherry lube flavoured libido shot *shivers*. As well as tasting like underage sex, it contains twice as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, which actually brought on a migraine that – ironically – left me unable to even think about having sex. I guess if giving head turns you on, you can spread it all over your boyfriend and suck away (be careful you don’t get wired and like, chew it off, though).

That’s pretty much the only sexual satisfaction this is going to give anybody. It probably would have been more use if I'd just thrown the shot down the sink and used the tube as a dildo. It made me feel about as sexy as watching one pigeon trying to force-fuck another on the roof of a funeral parlour.

Rating: 2/10

DAY 2: Viafem – (£13.89, Holland & Barrett)

Viafem capsules contain a blend of eight herbs, which apparently increase blood flow and sensitivity to your lady flower. According to their website, you should not take Viafem under any circumstances if you are not in the mood to have sex, the implication being that they turn you into a total nymphomaniac whether you like it or not.

It was an implication that I liked, and after popping a few, I was pumped to go flash my teeth at teenage boys on a light-up dancefloor. Unfortunately, the big night out we'd planned at the Roxy off Oxford Street (it's so easy to get laid at that place I think it must be built on ancient lay lines ;)) was suddenly dashed when, much to my vagina's chagrin, my flatmate decided Two For Tuesday was more important than my sexperiment.

Instead of going on a dick safari, we watched American Pie and I became inexplicably mesmerised by Nadia’s jiggling boobs. As expected, I ended up in bed alone with the horn. I don't think you could blame that on Viafem, though – babes, it wasn't you, it was me.

Rating: 6/10

DAY 3: Gold MAX – (£6.95, Harmony)

Look, not to freak you out or anything, but Gold MAX is fucking intense. I took two capsules before dinner, and without warning my body suddenly screamed YES, and the River Nile was unleashed in my panties. Thanks to GM I had sex for the first time in two months. YAY! My prey described me as being “wetter than an otter's pocket”, which I’m fully taking as a compliment.

Afterwards, he fell asleep and left me writhing around all night trying to "accidentally" wake him by grinding up against him (quite aggressively). It says on the packet that Gold MAX is a Chinese herbal remedy and as such has "no unpleasant side effects", but I got the feeling that if I took it more often it might turn me into a rapist. Which is about as unpleasant a side effect as I can imagine.

Rating: 8.5/10 (-1.5 points for the rapey bit)

DAY 4: Gold MAX (again)

Decided I had to try out my rape hypothesis. Didn't rape anyone. Didn't have to, because my new friend let me put some in his tea. Gold MAX, you da best.

DAY 5: Bai He Di Huang – (£10, Natural Wellness London)

The lady in the Chinese medicine shop told me this was for girls only, but she lies. Internet research tells me it’s actually for men, but whatever, gender is a social construct, right? So I took it anyway. I spent my evening working at a 21st birthday party falling in love with beautiful rich kids with no fucking morals – just how I like them. If the amount of cocaine you’re offered determines how many pheromones you’re producing, then I was an actual pheromone, but despite a dozen or so invites to go back to poncy West London after-parties, I decided to go home instead.

At 4AM I was awoken by a phone call from an ex asking to stay at mine because he'd missed the last train home. Curious to test the effects of BHDH, I let him into my bed. Did my general apathy towards this guy dissolve into a sudden and uncontrollable urge to throw a nostalgic fuck party? No. Am I relieved about that? Hell yes, but it doesn't say much about your powers, Bai He Di Huang.

Rating: 3/10

DAY 6: Spanish Fly – (£10, Jonas Bros)

Spanish Fly contains cantharidin, which to you and I is just a scientific name for poisonous beetle piss! Yum! The piss is supposed to irritate your urinary tract and, in doing so, somehow increase your desire for sex. Despite sounding like an ancient torture method, it’s actually one of the world’s oldest and most popular aphrodisiacs – and if it was good enough to make Medieval people who slept in mud and ate their own babies feel sexy, I supposed that it would be good enough for me.

It’s now illegal in most countries, but hey babe, take a walk on the wild side. I went to the pub with my workmates, but I didn’t bark or vomit any blood-streaked membrane over any of them, and my tongue didn’t get furry and covered in boils, either. Disappointing. That would have got me so horny. Spanish Fly was a total let-down; I've had Apple Sourz that worked more effectively. Great packaging, though.

Rating: 2/10

DAY 7: Magnum Tonic Wine (£2.99, every off-license ever)

Wow, this shit is cool. Aside from having the best soundtrack to a video ever, Magnum wine contains alcohol (16 percent) as well as bottled “Sexual Vitality”, which is definitely what the other Viagras have been lacking in. Unfortunately, despite promising to make you Sex Queen of the Dancehall, it tastes like ashes and death, and you have to hold your nose/stomach while drinking it to avoid immediate gagging. Oi oi!

After chugging a few bottles I tried and failed to dagger my flat-mate, made some oven chips, and fell asleep on the sofa.

Rating: 3/10

CONCLUSION: As a result of the pounding caffeine headaches (and unfortunate lack of pounding) I’ve suffered this week, I’m happy to announce that rapey, waterfall-inducing Gold MAX is the clear winner. Go forth and squelch!