April Fools Edition: SEA MONSTER EMERGES FROM GREENSBORO DRAINPIPE, ANNOUNCES INTENTION TO RUN FOR OFFICE

A scaly, reptilian sea monster emerged from a drainpipe near downtown Greensboro last week, cleared his throat with a wet cough and announced his intention to run for public office.

“I’m glad you all came out here today,” he told the assembled mass of reporters, government junkies and horror-movie fans inexplicably gathered at the site. “Just last week, as I was eating mud in my subterranean domain, I realized that the time has come for me to surface, so to speak, and put my skills to use for the greater good.”

The sea monster, who said his true name is unpronounceable to the human tongue but that he would answer to the name Miles, cited his skill set, which he said is transferable to government in many ways.

“Plenty of women are into the sea-monster thing,” the candidate for District 6. “Not all of them start screaming when I drag them down to the watery depths.”.

“Well I know the area, obviously,” he said, “from the sewer lines to the fishing holes to the network of creeks that runs through the Triad. I’m an avid outdoorsman — in fact, I’ve never even been what could properly be considered ‘indoors,’ which could endear me to the hunters and fishermen out there. I do know quite a bit about the people who live here, too — you’d be amazed what you can find out about a person by seeing what they flush down the toilet.

“Also,” he added, “I am one hell of a negotiator.

Look at me: I’m a sea monster! I’m ferocious and savage! People are gonna think twice before they tell me no.”

Miles said he plans to run for Rep. Howard Coble’s District 6 Congressional seat, encompassing parts of Guilford and Alamance counties, Asheboro and Pinehurst, and extending west as far as China Grove, locale of High Rock Lake where the candidate says he makes his home.

“Well, I’m a Republican,” he said, “so I espouse the values of smaller government and fiscal responsibility. And while I’m not exactly what you’d call a traditional ‘family man,’ I have many, many offspring swimming around the state. Plenty of women are into the sea-monster thing — not all of them start screaming when I drag them down to the watery depths. And while it’s true I have run afoul of law enforcement over the years, I have never actually been detained or arrested. In fact, most of the time when people call the cops on me, nobody actually believes them. So my record is clean.”

Miles understands he must defeat Rep. Coble in the May 4 primary before being eligible for the general election in November, but he had praise for the 13-term incumbent.

“Howard’s done a great job over the years,” he said. “I particularly applaud his stance in defense of the tobacco farmers, and I love that he’s declined the Congressional Pension Plan — that’s a fine example of walking the walk. But let’s face it: Howard has served this community for a long time. He’s like 80 years old. It’s time for some new blood.

“I am actually cold-blooded,” he added. “And that’s not a metaphor. If I want to warm up I’ve got to lie in the sun.”

Miles faces tough competition in the Republican primary, where he’ll face off against not only the incumbent, but also Guilford County Commissioner Billy Yow, Dr. James Taylor, Cathy Brewer Hinson, John Mangin and Jeff Phillips.

“I’m not real concerned about the rest of the field,” he said. “If worse comes to worse, I’ll just creep out of the sewers one night and eat them one by one.

“I’m kidding, of course,” he added. “I think my experience and stance on the issues is plenty to carry me through to the general election.”

When reached for comment, Rep. Coble responded in typical style.

“A sea monster, you say?” the congressman asked. “Well, I wish him the best.”