Losing you

Our son Theo died recently, at 14 months of age, after having been born with a serious heart condition. He was very brave and strong but in the end he didn't make it and died a peaceful and pain-free death. Our other son is four years old, and we'd really appreciate it if you had any advice on how to help a child deal with bereavement.

Carolyn Dodds, Richmond-upon-Thames

I'm really sorry to hear about Theo's death. In answering your question I've spoken extensively to people who deal with children who have been bereaved. I would urge anyone who has had a loved one die to contact the bereavement charity Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk, 0844 4779400). There are bereavement supporters who can talk on the phone or come and visit.

Children don't really grieve in a different way, but their ability to tell us what's going on is not as advanced as an adult's. Pre-seven, children can't take things in very easily, so bereavement supporters use lots of drawing to help reach out to children. Marge Heegaard does some good workbooks, such as When Someone Very Special Dies, £5.99 (from Cruse, as before, but be aware they're not on the website and you need to phone to order), which can help prompt discussions. Playing is also a good way to get a child to talk - bereavement supporters use a family of dolls. With a child your eldest son's age, supporters often work more with the parents - helping them help the child - than working with the child themselves. Things they've found helpful are books and games. Barnardo's does a game called All About Me. It's not specifically aimed at grief, but again it can prompt discussions and get children to come out of their shell. It's currently out of stock and Barnardo's isn't sure exactly when more will come in, but costs about £50. Anyone interested can email barnadospublications@barnardos.org.uk with All About Me in the subject line - make it clear that you want to know when it comes back in stock, and it'll keep you informed. The Grief Game, £45, (from Incentive Plus on 0845 1800 140) is another game recommended by bereavement supporters.

A few dos and don'ts that can be applied to any child who has experienced the death of a loved one: Be truthful but gentle. Don't say "Theo's gone to sleep" because then your eldest son will think going to sleep is a scary prospect. Be prepared to answer questions, again being gently factual: "Theo was born with a condition that you don't have, and his body didn't work any more." If you try to sugar the pill, or lie, you'll drive yourself down a cul-de-sac, which is why "we lost Grandpa/Grandma passed away" are euphemisms best left to vicars. Children will ask if they can get lost, too; they're logical little souls.

Reassure him that Theo's death wasn't his fault and had nothing to do with him. (This is particularly important when a parent dies; children can think it's their fault.) Reassure him that not everyone who goes to hospital dies. Reassure him generally - affirmations are very important.

Tell him it's OK to talk to you if something bothers him and while you should be led by him, you can engineer circumstances so he can talk about Theo - if he wants to. For example: "Theo liked teddies didn't he? Do you remember Theo's first teddy?" that sort of thing. Give him the opportunity to talk about his brother but don't feel he has to talk about him, either. Routine is also very comforting; he will need to know you are there when you say you will be (although I have to say this is true of children anyway).

Changes to watch for that means children aren't coping: any changes of behaviour; an introverted child suddenly becoming a show-off, and vice versa; bullying - either being bullied or bullying; not being able to concentrate; breaking rules (the feeling being "something bad's happened, no point behaving well"); behaving like a child much younger than they are - wetting the bed, thumb-sucking, etc. Being super-clingy is perhaps obvious, but worth noting and sleep patterns being disturbed is another thing to watch out for. Any of these symptoms should prompt further discussion with your child, or for you to get specialist help.

Here are some other books that you and others may find helpful. All are available from Cruse, unless otherwise stated: Grandpa, £5.99, which is all about the death of a be-loved grand father; Goodbye, Mousie, £4.99, useful for children whose pets have died. When A Baby Dies, £11.99; Remembering My Brother, £6.99. When Mum/Dad/Someone Dies, £10 (www.rcpsych.ac.uk, 020-7235 2351) are much used by bereavement supporters. Helping Children Cope With the Death of a Parent: A Guide for the First Year, £21.95 (www.greenwood.com, 01865 888181) has really helpful answers to difficult questions in it. Skin, £5.99, is a novel about a young boy losing his teenage sister, and it's extremely powerful.

Michael Rosen's Sad Book, £10.99 (www.walkerbooks.co.uk, 020-7793 0909), is about Rosen's son, Eddie, who died. It's very simple, full of pictures and rather beautiful.