8.04.2009

I have a confession to make. Well, I have a lot of confessions, so maybe I'll hold back on one or two. I love blogging. But I hate it as well. I mean, I love interacting with you, my blogging friends. But I find that at times I bore my own self with my wailing and gnashing of hooves and teeth and swishing of tail.

You see, for reasons not clear to me, I am suffering the most debilitating depression I've known in my life. Yes, Dr. Jab is still hanging tough, coaching me ringside and medicating me as best he can. But I still find myself painted into a corner. And while corners are probably fascinating places and subjects for some, I am just plain STUCK.

So, I self-medicated without Dr. Jab's approval (my day of reckoning is Friday) and went on a month long holiday while the children spent July with dad. I spent 10 days with my parents in my old childhood hometown. Then I spent a lovely 20+ days with my beloved Soubriquet in England. And I found I wasn't ....... DEPRESSED !! For some reason, possibilities arose where none had existed before ..... I could see the new life I've been wanting to create for myself. I smiled. I had real adult conversations. I watched movies, ate lemon cheesecake and drank myself silly with ginger beer (a more gingery tasting ginger ale).

Then ....... I came back to my reality. And depression has snaked itself around my thoughts again. So here I am, navel gazing again. And putting forth a plea to you, my blogging friends. I need help. I'm stuck. Fear is doing it - not being able to control what is going to happen to me and my family. I'm meeting with my not yet ex to be x'd tomorrow in hopes of moving forward on a settlement. I have not begun looking for a job. Yes. The teaching hiring season is long past. I cannot cry over spilt milk. Depression has sunk deep fangs into me, eroding all of my confidence in myself. My lease will be up in November and I must think about where I will be moving to .... find a new place. No job = no mortgage ..... you see? These thoughts snowball into one another.

I need encouragement, guys. I hope you're in for the long haul. I know I can get by with a little help from my friends.

xxxrdg

Posted by
red dirt girl

5 comments:

It's not the navel gazing that is the problem, it's important to understand yourself. The problem is the narrow focus. 20+ days! Holy crap! You lucky so-n-so. I got a day last week. Next week I'll get two, both work days, so it's really like 20 hours if we manage to stay awake the whole time (we probably will). Then I get a weekday evening later in the month, hopefully some time Labor Day weekend, definitely something in November...You've been walking around with an overflowing glass, drinking deep, taking it in, letting yourself be happy. Wasn't there a moment there, head spinning in a gingery gyre, where it might have seemed like you deserved it? You were right, you do. Recapture that and nurture it.

What have you got?What do you need?What do you want?Of the myriad of first steps to take to define that path, which one would be the easiest for you?Now get back to that umbilicus and go with your gut (aw crap, had to end with a bad pun didn't it?)

I like that phrase, "head spinning in a gingery gyre", and the sentence around it is so true. You deserve more, you deserve an end to the manipulative behaviour of the soon-to-be-ex, you deserve more. And Mr Rith, too, sees the nub of the question. I'm, of course, not a disinterested observer, but I can honestly say that you deserve a future where you aren't being pushed around, and where your own qualities are appreciated.You know, I've been ambushed by depression before in my own life, so you know I understand how depression can put a barrier between yourself and all that is good in life, and how other people's advice seems so trite and useless. And I know that the depression tries to destroy your sense of self, and self worth.Know then that there are people who love you, especially me, and those people see so much that is good in you, whereas depression tries to hide those qualities from you.Right now, you've come from a place of safety, a place where you could be yourself, to a place where people are trying to push you around, and make you take the role they prescribe, no wonder that occluded front rolled in, with its grey thunderheads.So here are a few thoughts, Don't heap up your fears and obstacles in front of you, try not to worry about the unknown, tackle things singly, as they come due, small steps, then take a break, remember to stop, breathe, see beauty in small things.Look at your ammonite, and reflect that you, you, were not just the first person ever to see it, you were not just the first mammal, you were the first air-breather ever to see that ammonite. A hundred and sixty five to 180 million years ago, (give or take a million or two, either way), whilst that dactyliocareas was idly swimming about, in a shallow tropical sea, YOU were its future destiny. Think, then, that though I'm no ammonite, you might be my destiny?

i wish i had the words to respond to each one of you today. unfortunately, the meeting with the ex to be x'd took much out of me.

thank you, ulysses, for reminding me that i deserve the best.thank you, gary, for getting straight to the heart of the matter: my heart IS in Yorkshire whilst my body is in Texas

and thank you, my best beloved Soubriquet for being ... you. My destiny. And reminding me that life isn't just ill-timed lunch meetings with angry ex's or snarky emails from landlords ... but fun, love, laughter, sharing, and some damn cool fossils.

i'm dog paddling right now, friends. but i AM LISTENING. I am. Just keep calling me to shore.

OOOoooowwwwwwwwOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!OOOoooooooowwwwwwwOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!OOOooowwwwwOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!OooowwwwwwOOnnrrk [cough, cough] Somebody wanna give me a hand with this? Or a drink of water or something?