Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I usually hate doing These Things and am only doing it because of Peer Pressure which is the same excuse I use when I eat too many peanuts at a baseball game.

I used to smoke a pack and a half a day to two packs a day for eight years. I quit Cold Turkey in 1996. And then for some reason, I started up again in 2003. But then I quit again, Cold Turkey a year later. I Won't Ever Smoke Again.

I won't eat Foods On Sticks. I don't get it. Why a stick? What do you do with the stick when you are done? The only exception to this rule are Popsicles, because they are Delicious. And chicken drumsticks because I like to think of them as "Nature's Stick."

My greatest fear is that aliens will come down to Earth from their Crazy Alien Planet and probe me and stuff and then I will be returned to Earth and will tell people, "Hey! Aliens came down to Earth and Probed Me!" and No One Will Believe Me. It's the No One Believing Me part that I fear. Not the actual Alien Probing.

I don't know How To Clean A Bathtub and prefer to hire Knowledgeable People to do the job for me.

Totally Awesome Husband grew up 45 Minutes away from me on Long Island. But we met 3000 Miles away in Los Angeles.

My College Best Friend and I once came up with an Amazing and Intricate back story for the Feed The Birds Woman in "Mary Poppins." That Woman needs her story told. It's A Heartbreaker.

I have My Amateur Radio License and can understand and send Morse code.

I greatly enjoy California Red Wines. I pour myself A Glass nearly every night, take Two Sips and then Spill The Rest Out. Totally Awesome Husband thinks this is Very Odd Behavior.

I once Waited on Jeremy Piven. He was An Asshole and asked me to tell The Manager he wanted "a hotter waitress." The Worst Part is The Manager switched my section with another server so that Jeremy Piven could have "a hotter waitress." I think both Jeremy Piven and The Manager were and still are "dicks."

My Movie Star Boyfriend is George Clooney.

My Favorite Vodka is Stoli.

I was once accused of being a "Knitting Bully" and asked to leave A Knitting Group. Long Story.

When I go to England, I have to change my name because "Randi" sounds like "randy" which means Horny. So, when I am there I go by "Liz." I didn't know this the first time I went there. I thought I was just Really Super Popular.

I love to read but Hate being told I Have To Read Something.

I have A Fantasy of purchasing the rights to "My Sweet Audrina" by VC Andrews and producing The Best Most Cheesy Television Movie Ever. I also think it would make A Great Musical.

I am Obsessed with The Hills but am Bored by The City.

I am The World's Worst Speller. I used to score terribly on spelling tests and to this day I have no idea How To Spell the most simple words. I believe I have some sort of Spelling Mental Disorder/Block and should have been tested for such a thing upon entering school so as to save me from a ton of Angst and ever having to take spelling tests.

I spent more than half my life Dreaming Of Getting Off An Island. This year marks the Tenth since I was Rescued. Now I live with a fear that An Earthquake will happen and make Where I Live An Island and I will once again Need To Get Off One.

Even though I am from New York, I grew up watching Connecticut Television and listening to Connecticut Radio Stations because we had No Cable. And Connecticut was only 15 miles away. Even though it would take you Three Hours To Drive There. (And I can't spell Connecticut without spell check.)

I was Devastated by 9/11.

I have a rule when I go to the movies that No One Can Start Eating Their Popcorn Until The Actual Movie Begins. Coming Attractions don't count. When I go to the movies with someone, and they Break The Rule, I sometimes become So Upset I can't enjoy the movie.

Back in 1993, I had an argument with a man about Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. He said that in ten years, No One Will Remember Pearl Jam or Its Lead Singer because he was just a flash in a pan. I argued that He Would Still Be Around. I Win.

Eric Stoltz once accused me of Destroying His Performance On Stage and tried to hit me and Lewis Black came to my rescue by Blocking The Punch. (By the way, I had nothing to do with Distracting Eric Stoltz On Stage. He later, sort of apologized. But I still hold A Grudge and great movies like "Some Kind of Wonderful" and "Mask" have been Ruined For Me Forever.)

I once fell down the stairs at The (Very Crowded, Post-Ppera) Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. And by Fall, I mean I Rolled Down Every Single One Of Those Stairs Until I Landed At The Bottom. It was An Accident. I blame The Stairs.