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Episode 76: “No Big LoSSS”

Written by “Krenim”

Published January 6, 2003

This episode contains a spoiler from “Shockwave, Part II.” You have been warned.

It was sometime in 29th Century, several months into the Vaad War. The Mesopotamia Project was a dream given form. Its goal: to provide a place where aliens who had only been seen in a few episodes (or less) could meet and complain. It’s a port of call, home away from home for diplomats, hustlers, entrepeneurs, wanderers, and mimes. But the mimes are ignored whenever possible. A whole lot of people wrapped in four million, seven hundred and forty-seven thousand, four hundred and seventy four tons of spinning metal, all alone in the night. And the day, too. It can be a dangerous place, but it’s their last, best hope for more screentime. This is the story of the last of the Mesopotamia stations. The year is... Well, we’re not sure exactly what year it is. But the name of the place is Mesopotamia 6.

The delegates for the League of Seldom-Seen Species filed into the Mesopotamia 6 assembly hall. Practically every Alpha or Beta Quadrant species who had been seen only once or twice on Star Trek had a representative.

Finally, the heavy hitters of the League entered. First was the Gorn Ambassador. Luckily for him, 60’s special effects had long been replaced with CGI, so he looked far more menacing than a guy with an oversized tyrannosaur mask. Next to float in was the Tholian Ambassador, whose crystalline form was also computer-generated. After him was the Tzenkethi Ambassador. Since Tzenkethi have never been seen on Star Trek, you’ll just have to use your imagination on this one. I know, I know... You all hate using your imaginations. Well tough! Lastly, the Vorlon Ambassador Kosh entered.

The Gorn Ambassador whispered to the Tholian Ambassador, “What is he doing here, anyway? The Vorlons aren’t even on Star Trek!”

To which the Tholian Ambassador replied, “Exactly. How much more seldom-seen can you get than never?”

“Which Kosh is that, anyway?”

Kosh, who had overheard, simply answered, “We are all Kosh.”

While the Gorn Ambassador puzzled over that remark for a while, the Tzenkethi Ambassador started the meeting. “We’ll start by reviewing the minutes from our last meeting. First, we complained a lot about not getting any screentime. Then we kicked the Breen out of the League for getting too much screentime towards the end of DS9. Then we complained some more about not getting any screentime.”

The Tzenkethi Ambassador sat down while the Tholian Ambassador addressed the assembly. “Now for some new business. Someone wishes to address the League.”

The League representatives were quite stunned that someone considered them important enough to speak to. Two workers brought in a circular platform, which they laid on the floor in front of the delegates. From the platform arose the supershadowy figure of... Future Guy!

“Not literally! I meant that I’ve seen a few episodes of Enterprise, and that you are not from our future! You’re from our past!”

“Yes, but ‘Past Guy’ just doesn’t have a ring to it... Anyway, I have a proposition for you all. I and my allies, the Vaadwaur, are willing to enter into an alliance with you. Together, we can conquer the galaxy!”

The Gorn Ambassador spoke up. “What would we get out of this alliance?”

“Screentime, of course. When we win this war against the Federation, every single species in the alliance will get a Star Trek show all to themselves!”

The League let out a collective gasp. The Gorn Ambassador smirked, then said, “I think we have ourselves a deal...”

Several days later, Captain Braxton and Lt. Commander Ducane were ordered to Admiral Picard’s office. As with every single other episode in which they were called to his office, Picard’s disembodied head was atop his desk. However, he looked more annoyed than usual. “It’s about time you two got here!”

Braxton and Ducane sat down. Ducane asked, “Why were we pulled away from tracking down the evil crew of the evil Excelsior?”

A tactical map of the Delta Quadrant appeared on the wall beside them. Picard explained. “So far, the Vaad War has not been going well for us. We’re losing ground every day. But we’re managing to keep them from advancing very quickly. But it seems as though that might change very soon.”

The map shifted to the Alpha Quadrant. “Starfleet Intelligence has discovered that the Vaadwaur have formed an alliance with the League of Seldom-Seen Species, and that the League is massing a fleet at their headquarters, the space station Mesopotamia 6. It is believed that this fleet, once assembled, will launch a major offensive against the very core of the Federation. If we have to fight this war on two fronts, we won’t be able to hold either the Vaadwaur or the League back, and the Federation will be doomed.”

Braxton asked, “Then what do we do?”

Picard smirked. “What neither the Vaadwaur nor the League know is that we have been secretly working on a new type of starship. Fortunately, these ships are nearly complete. I want you to lead these ships against the League’s fleet before it is completely assembled.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. If I’m lucky, you’ll get blown to smithereens.”

“I’m beginning to think you don’t like me, sir.”

“You’re beginning to think that?! Never mind... You are about to see the most advanced ship the Federation has ever created!”

An image of a ship came onscreen. It was sleek. It was well-armored. It was well-armed. It was... plaid.

Both Braxton and Ducane stared at the ship in confusion. Finally, Braxton managed to say, “It’s... plaid?”

Picard nodded. “Well, if it wasn’t, we couldn’t call it the Plaid Star Fleet, now could we?”

“The Plaid Star Fleet?”

“I know, I know. I didn’t have anything to do with the name or color scheme, so don’t look at me. Just take those ugly things out and hopefully get some use out of them.”

Back at Mesopotamia 6, the League of Seldom-Seen Species was quite busy putting together a whole bunch of starships. The ambassadors watched out a window as more and more ships arrived. The Tholian Ambassador chuckled. “Soon, we will bring the Federation to its knees, and we will all have our own Star Trek series!”

The Tzenkethi Ambassador was a bit reluctant. “I don’t know... Is this really what we want to do? What if we get defeated?”

Kosh answered, “The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.”

The Ambassador from Velara III, who was nothing more than a small crystal on the ground, sadly muttered, “It’s always too late for us to vote...”

All of a sudden, an officer came running into the room. “Sensors have just detected a Federation fleet heading towards us!”

The Gorn Ambassador scowled. “What? How did they pull together a fleet so quickly? Most of their ships are out in the Delta Quadrant!”

“I don’t know, sir, but the Relativity is leading a bunch of sleek yet plaid ships. They’ll be here very soon...”

As the Relativity approached Mesopotamia 6, the crew began to prepare for battle. Yar grinned. “Now I finally get to blow up a bunch of stuff!”

Braxton shook his head. “You forget that this is Star Trek. We try diplomacy first, and when that inevitably fails, then we blow up a bunch of stuff.”

Dax interrupted. “We’re within hailing range of the station, sir.”

“Excellent. Open a channel.”

Once Braxton heard the beep indicating that the channel was opened, he began. “I am Braxton, Captain. Son of two people whose last names are probably Braxton. I am the right hand of vengence and the boot that’s going to kick your sorry rear ends all the way back to your homeworlds, gosh darnit! I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see! Admiral Picard sent me!”

Sulu rolled his eyes, and commented sarcastically, “Yeah, that was diplomatic...”

The Mesopotamia 6 assembly hall came onscreen, with the head ambassadors sitting at their table. The Gorn Ambassador arose. “Captain Braxton... We quake beneath your terrible language of ‘rear ends’ and ‘gosh darnit!’”

“Well, there could be children watching this show, you know.”

“Oh yeah.”

“We know of your alliance with the Vaadwaur, and that you’re planning to launch an offensive against the Federation! I’m asking you to send your ships home and forget about this whole thing!”

“Or else what? You’ll shoot at us with those plaid ships?”

“Well... Yeah.”

“Then so be it.”

The station ended its transmission, and the viewscreen went back to stars. Braxton smiled. “Well, all’s well that ends well.”

Yar replied, “How’s that?”

“He said, ‘Then so be it.’”

“I think he meant that we’d have to shoot at them, not that they’d all go home.”

“Oh. Well then, have the fleet raise shields and arm weapons.”

Back in the assembly hall, the Tzenkethi Ambassador mused, “How will this end?”

Kosh answered, “In fadeout...”

“I meant the battle, not the episode.”

“Oh. In fire...”

The Relativity and the Plaid Star Fleet dropped out of hyperwarp, and the battle began. As far as the eye could see, Starfleet ships were dogfighting with Gorn, Tholian, Tzenkethi, Vorlon, and who knows how many other kinds of ships.

The Relativity was having a hard time dodging the sheer number of weapons that were being thrown at it, but it was still dishing out more damage than it was taking. Unfortunately, that’s when the League started using tactics. Braxton, who was hard to confuse anyway, soon found himself and his ship taking a pounding. It was then that the Tholian ships quickly encircled the Plaid Star Fleet and entrapped it within an energy web.

Ducane was quite unhappy. “We’re sitting ducks in this web, sir. What should we do?”

“I’m not sure, but I think whatever we do should get us away from whatever that thing is headed right for us!”

Sure enough, something massively huge was headed right for them. In fact, it was so huge that the League fleet had to get out of the way.

Sulu looked at it. “Is that what I think it is?”

Ducane nodded. “Yes, it is. That’s a Vorlon Planetkiller.”

Braxton breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, if it’s a planet killer, then we’re alright. After all, we’re not on a planet.”

The crew rolled their eyes as the League ambassadors came back onscreen. The Gorn Ambassador grinned evilly. “Do you have any last words before we utterly and completely destroy you and your fleet?”

Ducane answered. “Yeah, I have some last words. What do you think of the Borg?”

“Excuse me?”

“What do you think of the Borg?”

“I’m sick to death of them.”

“And why’s that?”

“They were in practically every other episode of Voyager. It was downright obnoxious.”

“And what about the Klingons?”

“Not as bad, but I’m still sick of them.”

“Do you want the fans to get sick to death of you?”

“Uh... No, not really.”

“Exactly. You are all fan favorites just because you’re not seen much. You’re all shooting yourselves in the foot by doing this.”

“Hmm... I see your point. We’ll put it to a vote. How many people want to stop this?”

All the ambassadors thought for a few seconds, then most raised their hands.

“Captain’s Log: We have returned to Starbase 47 with the Plaid Star Fleet. The League of Seldom-Seen Species has disbanded its fleet, and there’s now a large sign on Mesopotamia 6 that reads, ‘Seldom-seen and proud of it!’ Although the Plaid Star Fleet performed well, Starfleet has decided to decommission it, just because it’s that ugly. But not before we do one more Babylon 5 joke...”

Admiral Picard’s voice came over the comm of the last Plaid Star ship to be deactivated. “It’s time.”

A lone figure who looked mysteriously like the author of this series then flipped a switch, turning everything off...

Deep within Vaadwaur Prime, Gorei was quite unhappy with the way things were going. All of a sudden, Future Guy appeared on his platform. “You look unhappy, Gorei...”

“What do I have to be happy about? We lost the League of Seldom-Seen Species.”

“That was just a diversionary tactic to throw the Federation off the track of my true plan.”

“Oh?”

“It’s time to put an end to this war once and for all! Gather your forces!”