Tom: ...There are roughly 8 thousand slots to be filled, 15 hundred of which will require Senate confirmation. Do we even know that many incompetent people, outside of Los Angeles?

Tom: [quoting Benjamin Franklin] Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.

Tom: The difference between rock stars and stand-up comedians is as follows: women don't rush the stage and holler at comics, "This is your child!" Also, if women throw their underwear on stage for comics - it's because they want it fluffed, folded and back by Friday.

Tom: [paying an impromptu visit to Congress] I'll try and be brief, because I know this is the Senate's bingo day...This isn't official; it's just our little secret between you, me and the world media.

Tom: I've played in clubs for years; I've had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses...including my ex-wife, who was all three.

Tom: If Mama Cass Elliot and Karen Carpenter had shared a lunch together, they'd both be alive today.

Tom: If you tell a joke and it's not funny, you can put a laugh track over it...but the joke's still not funny.

Tom: What do I think of gay marriage? Well, I believe that gays have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

Tom: Even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy. Remember the story of those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Adolf Hitler at 12:30? They waited for him in an alley with guns, bombs and knives. Only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour, still no Hitler. Finally, one assassin turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."

Tom: You can't blow $200 million on an election campaign without owing something to somebody. Those who can't afford lobbyists have no advocate. The Statue of Liberty reads, "Give me your tired, your poor"; That's because it's in New York Bay. If she were in the Potomac River, Lady Liberty would read, "Give me your wealthy, your gifted, your privileged".

Tom: Why would security guards pad down an 85-year-old lady with a walker? If she's a terrorist...well, then the ball game's over, folks.

Tom: (on patriotism) Why do we need a Constitutional Amendment with regard to burning the flag? Let's just make the flag out of asbestos. They talk about the desecration of the American flag and yet, online, you can buy flag underwear. I just saw my grandmother wearing a flag thong, and I was like, "Granny, I don't wanna know where Old Glory is!" ...If it was really unpatriotic to question one's government, we'd still be British.

Tom: Why vote for Congressmen or Senators? Why don't we just pick those guys the same way we pick a jury? At least we'll get a much more interesting cross-section.

Tom: (on technological leaps and bounds) Soon, all of our appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal."

Tom: ...You know, Italy just elected a porn star to their senate. Which is wonderful, because that means no more sex scandals - just great posters and incredible downloads.

Tom: (on his lack of sex appeal) I slept with a prostitute when I was 21 - and she ended up giving me a refund.

Tom: I've always hoped for a Brazilian Pontiff - Pope Raul - just so we could have nuns in thongs and feathers. That would bring a lot of people back to the Church.

Tom: (on alternative fuels) Here's the greatest thing about ethanol (alcohol-based fuel, that is)...it provides you with a fresh alibi. If you get pulled over by the cops, you can just say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"

[from trailer]

Tom: [to group of reporters] I did inhale because I thought "What the hell? It's lit. It's in my hand, I'll inhale it."

Tom: When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.

Tom: HAL decided it liked me.

Tom: People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.

[from trailer]

Tom: [at a presidental debate] If you're representing special interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR with the little patches on the back: "Enron: We take your money and run!"

[from trailer]

Tom: [at a presidental debate] You want to pass an amendment banning same sex marriage! Anyone who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!

Eddie: [referring to Senator Mills in the debate] This guy smiles so much, it's starting to upset me.

Senator Mills: I support hydrogen cars...

Tom: That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.

Tom: How many analogies do you have left?

Jack: How many does it take to make my point?

Eddie: There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?

Tom: This makes golf look like porn.

Tom: HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but not for your glasses. That way, you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it!

Tom: NASA spent $30,000,000 creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, however were able to solve this problem with...

[imitating]

Tom: $0.15 pencil! Writes right side up, writes upside down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!