Obama locks self in bedroom after ‘Clock Boy’ announces departure from U.S.

Demanding to know what he had done to displease the goddess Aphrodite, President Obama reportedly locked himself in his White House bedroom after learning that Ahmed Mohamed, known in the media as ‘Clock Boy,’ is fleeing the bias-filled plains of the United States for Qatar, where he will be welcomed as a hero and eventually pursue a degree in Advanced Digital Timepiece Reassembly.

Mohamed, 14, became an overnight celebrity when he was briefly detained by law enforcement officers at his Texas high school after being observed with an item said to resemble a bomb, but which turned out to be nothing more than clock components.

The ensuing social media storm and flood of support earned Mohamed the admiration of hundreds of prominent figures, many of whom vigorously courted the affection of the boy engineer. Not least among them was President Obama, who eventually won out over the other suitors and married the youth in a private White House ceremony.

“What have I done to deserve your wrath, o mercurial purveyor of passion, o cruel goddess of love?” Obama wailed, according to one White House staffer. “Destinies intertwined, hearts forged in the same plutonic furnace of this hate-fueled mill of a country, Ahmed, my boy, we belong together.”

At first, Secret Service agents threatened to break down the door, but they softened their tone and repeatedly offered warm shoulders to cry on. Obama emerged clutching an Irving High School Engineering Club cap Mohamed had given the him.

“He said he’d never leave me,” Obama said. “I believed him. How could I be so stupid? What do other world leaders have that I don’t?”

Mohamed, meanwhile, buoyed by the international love affair with him, said that while he enjoyed his relationship with the U.S. president, it was time to move on to bigger fish.

“U.S. president are so, like, temporary,” Mohamed said. “Barack is nice and all, but he won’t even be president after next year. What I am supposed to do then? Go with him on speaking tours? Hang out in university corridors while he delivers graduation commencement speeches? That sounds boring.”

“It’s not him, it’s the system of finite presidential terms,” he said when asked if he was perhaps being insensitive. “Qatar has an emir and a royal family. I can be in their good graces forever. That’s pretty cool.”