Death Creek

I heard a thud, a few whimpers, and then...silence. I could already tell what had happened. "Nooooo!!!!!!!" I shrieked and sprinted to my sister. We have seven acres of unowned land, but my sister and I have nevered wandered through them. Our dad always reminded us of the legend of the creek. Apparently about a hundred years ago a little girl, about twelve years old, my sister's age, was crossing a fallen tree, tripped, hit her head in a rock and died. Supposedly once a year, every year since then, another twelve year old girl has died the same way. My dad was out of town and I didn't believe un that stupid story. Now I wish I had. I jumped into the freezing lake and grabbed her arm. "Vik-ory-ah? Id dat oo?" Nessa asked shaking. I could barely make out her words, but I could tell she was saying, "Victoria? Is that you?". She must of hit her head pretty hard. She hasn't sounded like that since she was five. "Vanessa! Are you okay?!" I yelled and pulled her up onto a log. She looked pale and her lips were a frightening shade of blue. "Ugh." She mumbled and slowely closed her eyes. "Vanessa!! Vanessa! Holy s***!" I grabbed her head and shook it back and forth. "Nessa....? Nessa wake up." I said softly. She wasn't moving! I got a few handfuls of water from the creek and threw it at her. After a few throws her eyes started to open. Oh thank god! "Vanessa!" I cried with tears pouring down my face. "Vanessa. Oh Vanessa." I wrapped my arms around her cold body and cried into her soaking wet hair. I picked her up in a cradle hold and placed her on actual land. "Vanessa." I spoke slowly and clearly while clutching her hand. "I saw you fall off that log." I ran my hand across the back of her hair soothingly. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Vanessa you're bleeding! Like, a lot! What did you hit?" I was half-way screaming by then and couldn't stop staring atb my blood-covered hand. "Uck. Yuh wok." A rock? She hit a rock? Oh god! I wish we had never came out here. I wish I had listened to Dad. I wish... "Hold on I'm calling Dad!" I yelled as I pulled out my cell to ring Dad's phone. "Hello." Answered an automated voice. "The number you are trying to reach can not be found at the time. Please try again later. Goodbye." Crap! I had forgot that Dad was out of town. Stupid T-Mobile! With no idea what to do, I started sobbing. "Vanessa? Are you okay?" I asked and looked back at my sister. She wasn't moving. At all! "Vanessa?! Vanessa can you hear me?" I moved her cold, pale body to see if she reacts. Nothing. "Vanessa!" I screamed and put my ear to her chest. No movement. Noooooooooo! She's....She's....She's gone. "Vanessa?" I asked, knowing that I wasn't gonna get a reply. I caressed her dead cheek with the back of my hand and whispered "I love you."

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The idea and story is very good! If you could figure out how to get rid of the weird quote mishaps it would be much easier to read. Overall, though, I really liked it, you really conveyed the character descriptions and emotions well (: