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July 17, 2014

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Do you have what it takes to call yourself a master of the outdoors? Take this quiz and find out!

1

A babe you just met in the ski lodge takes you to a secret local spot off the trail, tons of fresh powder. The run is going great until there is an avalanche coming down the mountain. Should you:

A Make a move for the trees, skiing between them.

Correct!Although it is incredibly dangerous, you will get to show off those quads that you've been working on all summer. You can’t spell legendary without ‘leg day’.

B Ski towards the edge of the cliff.

Correct!A helicopter appears at the last second. You grab the skids and catch the babe. She is impressed and stares into your eyes romantically as the helicopter lifts off into the sunset. The helicopter is coincidentally being piloted by a licensed wedding officiant, who weds you and the babe. Best. Day. Ever.

C Push her over so the avalanche attacks her instead.

Wrong!Now the avalanche is hungry for more. It follows you home and after a series of threatening voicemails, it attacks you in the garage.

2

While on a jungle expedition you get captured by a pack of chimpanzees. What do you do?

A Use your superior human brainpower to rule them as a king.

Correct!You forsake human fellowship for the kingdom of the animals. You are a firm, but just ruler. Your boss from the office keeps calling you, but you don’t pick up. Eventually the office stops calling and they replace you with that guy from the mailroom.

B Challenge the smartest chimp to a game of checkers.

Wrong!One of the chimps was trained at a Stanford research lab and released back into the wild. He beats you in five moves. The chimps allow you to return to civilization, but you spend the rest of your life feeling intellectually inadequate.

C You present the chimpanzees with a DVD of the movie Congo.

Wrong!The chimps identify with the film’s themes of primate empowerment and they enslave you.

3

While walking through the wilderness you end up in between a grizzly bear cub and its mother. Should you:

A Make a run for it. After all, you did run track in high school.

Wrong!Stop lying to yourself, you never ran track in high school. You wouldn’t make it ten yards.

B Challenge the bear to a battle royale.

Correct!You have seen enough cage fighting on TV to choke-slam the mother and gain her respect.

C You remember that you have some dried fish in your backpack. You share it with the bears in the hopes that they will leave you alone.

Wrong!Other bears will gather and accuse you of picking favorites. It creates an awkward social situation.

4

You’re on an African Safari with your guide and your jeep runs out of gas.You’re stranded. How do you get back to civilization?

A Relax, your guide will get you out of there.

Wrong!This is your guide’s first day. The reason you’re in this situation in the first place is because of him.

B Take shelter under a near by shrub.

Wrong!Under the shade of the shrub is a scorpion. It bites you. What were you thinking!? A shrub is no place for shelter!

C Search the jeep for anything helpful.

Correct!You find a tank of gas. Your guide should have known this! When you return he quits his job. He was never cut out for this line of work. He returns to school where he was studying to become an orthodontist. He graduates and his family is very proud. You are invited to his graduation, but you don’t go because you still hold a grudge against him.

5

You pass out after a night of drinking in Mexico and wake up adrift on a raft at sea. What’s your first move?

A Check to make sure all of your vital organs are there.

Correct!Vital organs are vital to living, that is why the word vital is in the name.

B Take a siesta.

Correct!You catch a great nap and float back to shore, refreshed for a night of partying.

C Call your buddy Mario using the satellite phone that you keep next to the case of water.

Wrong!Mario scoops you up in his sweet new waverunner and you go to a party at his father’s villa. Mario’s family is loaded. His father convinces you to invest in a timeshare condo in Puerto Vallarta. You get roped into a lifetime contract, but you only make it down to the timeshare, like, once every three years. Eventually your son and his buddy Steve go there for Spring Break and totally trash the place. You’re never getting back that security deposit. Ever.

6

You climb a tall tree and find a nest of eggs. What should you do?

A Leave the eggs alone.

Correct!The mother will be home soon. Best to leave them alone.

B Protect the eggs, and when they hatch the birds will think you’re their mother.

Correct!Now you are a mother to five beautiful children. Which is good, because you’re still lost in the woods and will probably never see your actual family again.

C Take the eggs and cook up some omelets.

Wrong!You’re allergic to eggs! You should know this. You were diagnosed with the condition when you were a child. Also, you’re afraid of heights. Why are you in a tree?

7

While recreationally mountain climbing you become stranded on the side of a cliff. You get a call from your brother-in-law, Steve. He tells you that your sister is having a baby. What should you do?

A Tell Steve to call the forest service and have them send a rescue chopper.

Wrong!Steve lied to you! There is no baby! He’s jealous because you have superior climbing abilities and he wants to ruin your trip.

C Hang up the phone and keep climbing. You’re gonna make that summit.

Correct!Nature is no place for phone calls. Or babies.

8

While on an expedition in the Arctic Circle your boat becomes stuck in the ice. With no rescue in the sight, the crew is looking to you for answers. What do you do?

A Create a badass sled built entirely from Penguins.

Wrong!That was a terrible idea. You rope a bunch of Penguins together, but in no way is your weird creation anywhere close to something that could be construed as a sled. The idea was stupid and now the crew sees you as the creepy penguin guy.

B Explain to the crew that you’re not actually the captain.

Wrong!You are the captain! The crew accuses you of ignoring your responsibilities...and you know what? You can’t blame them.

C Batten down the hatches and wait it out.

Correct!You and the crew sit tight until Summer. You have some laughs and you make a great new group of friends. What began as an ocean adventure has turned into the adventure of a lifetime. Incidentally, that’s also the tagline of the movie you sell about your journey. It’s a bomb financially, but what do you care? You took cash up-front instead of a percentage of the box office. Smart move.

9

You and your friend are lost in the forest. You find a single engine aircraft crashed in a ravine, filled with $250,000 cash. Would you:

A Keeping walking. It’s none of your business.

Correct!No good can come of that.

B Use the plane for shelter.

Wrong!It’s clearly dirty money. Someone will come looking for it and they’ll find you. Plus it’s raining outside and there is a hole in the roof of the plane, you get really wet which is a bummer because you are wearing a sweet suede jacket.

C Take the money and run.

Wrong!You’ll get away clean, but you and your friend will eventually turn on each other. That kind of money changes people.

10

You’re on a nice hike and you accidentally step into quicksand. How do you get out?

A You grab for a near by branch of a tree so you can pull yourself out.

Wrong!The branch is actually a venomous eastern brown snake. This is confusing because eastern brown snakes are native to Australia and you are nowhere near Australia. I guess some reptile guy could have released it into the wild? By this time you have sunk completely into the sand, you should have thought about another way to get out instead of the origins of the snake.

B Quickly whittle a piece of bamboo into a kazoo to signal the chimpanzees from question 2 to come and save you.

Wrong!Have you lost your marbles! The chimps mistake the distress call for their signature mating call. Things go downhill quickly. Don’t be so hard on yourself, the two calls sound eerily close to each other. After all, you’re an accountant not a chimpanzee expert.

C Wait it out and let the soil exfoliate your skin.

Correct!Guys, it’s quicksand… nobody actually dies in quicksand. It was a big thing in the 70’s for no reason. Worst case scenario, it sucks your boots off. Big deal.

11

You are lost in a blizzard. Your bank calls and tells you that someone in Chatsworth has stolen your ABA routing number and fraudulently withdrawn $1,500 from your checking account. Do you:

A ) Stay still and see if you can feel a breeze. It might lead to an exit.

Wrong!You’re in a pitch-black cave. Let’s be honest, how much is that really going to help?

B Clap rocks together. A higher pitched echo will indicate the size of the cavern.

Wrong!It’s a cool trick, but totally useless. You’re still stuck in the cave. To make matters worse the sounds have now awoken a colony of vampire bats, hungry for blood. Using echolocation they swarm around you. You’re toast, better luck next time pal!

C None of the above.

Correct!Turns out that the “cave” isn’t a cave at all. It’s just a metaphor for how you have become trapped in society. You should get out more.