HAPIfork

The Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show is the year’s premier gadgetpalooza, where tech writers and PR people rub sweaty shoulders in front of giant TVs, mid-sized phablets, and, at least this year, some questionably useful food gadgets.

Like the HAPIfork. Billed as “intelligent cutlery,” the HAPIfork keeps track of how often you put the HAPIfork in your mouth, and pays attention to the intervals between each one of these “fork servings.” If the HAPIfork is unhappy with how quickly you’re eating, it buzzes and lights up to remind you to stop eating like a pig (raised by wolves). HAPIfork is like a friendly shock collar that you put in your mouth!

Even better, it uploads data from each of your meals to a mobile HAPIfork app so you can see exactly when you first put something in your mouth, your “fork servings” per minute and per meal, and the precise amount of time that you spent between each “fork serving.” Move over, madeleines! HAPIfork lets you pinpoint every past moment of eating, from your maiden HAPIfork experience to the last bite of your last meal. You can keep this data private, if you hate transparency, or you could share it with everyone you know, tag pictures and little statements to each meal, or even add a picture for every “fork serving,” like a flip-book of your descent into madness.

The inventor, French engineer Jacques Lepine, told the BBC that he came up with the idea when his wife complained that he ate too fast. He found himself unable to modify his behavior without technology, and reportedly spent the next seven years developing the HAPIfork–the BBC fails to mention whether that was soon enough to save the marriage.

At some point along the way, Lepine joined forces with HAPILABS, a company that also produces something called the HAPItrack–essentially a pedometer/calorie counter with a button that you can press when you’re feeling happy. To quote from the HAPIscience section of their website, “All you have to do is press on the HAPIbutton each time you feel a HAPImoment, whether it’s big or small. Pressing on the HAPIbutton becomes a meaningful gesture. Hold down the HAPIbutton® for between 1 to 10 seconds to determine how happy you feel.” The mobile app then records that moment, allowing you upload relevant pictures, add notes, and share your HAPIness with the world.

As good as Pavlov was at making his dogs drool at the sound of a bell, there’s something sinister about engaging in your own gadget-based conditioning. And the idea’s not new–there have always been family members around to look askance at your eating habits, and we’ve seen wristbands that track and plates that yell at you based on how quickly you eat.

We like a good gadget as much as the next chef (though there’s something to be said for hand-whisking forearms), but this is not one.