False Starts

I have been trying to blog all week long with no success. I promised myself this one would be different and would actually find itself on the blog before I hit the sack tonight. It’s midnight. If tomorrow weren’t a work day, I wouldn’t mind staying up and puttering away with my polymer clay or the earwire hooks I’m hammering into shape. But since there IS work and I’m sort of tired, this will be short.

Going beyond a sentence or two or a paragraph at most has been a struggle all week. I find that strange considering I keep hearing words in my head as if I were writing a post in the middle of just about every quiet moment I have — be it when I’m walking to the bus stop (after prayers, of course) or when I’m washing the dishes.

The week has gone by so fast. Can you believe we’re almost halfway done with July? It’s not really all that much of a surprise considering all I have to do is look at my boy and I see time flying past me. Before we know it, it will be 2015. Before that, I would have celebrated milestones again. Another one is around the corner. Saturday is my father’s birthday and in a few days, his death anniversary.

I had to stop a moment there. When I write a post here, I usually go on and on and on and edit later. I write very spontaneously. But there are topics and there are thoughts that make me draw a blank. Like his birthday and his death. Change topic.

I feel like I’m in the middle of projects but still making progress. I have no sense of urgency in completing anything, though, probably because I feel my life and much of what drives me, is on hold. It’s a little tough to explain — it’s that feeling of just being floating still. Not moving in any direction, but not grounded either. Like a freeze frame.

Paused after that thought again.

I still have much anger and pain I’m trying to rid my heart of. Prayer has been my solace. I ask that it be lifted from my heart — but I guess I’m only human. So I try to channel my energy positively into creating. I try to think of gratitude instead of misery. I count my blessings.

There are still many times when I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but it doesn’t feel as heavy when I trust in my God. Faith has been such a blessing. It gives me hope even when all hope is lost. There will be tomorrow. And then after that, another day… and another..

And there is my little space here where I can write.. and remember.. and write to remember at the same time. I still look forward to the day when I can come back to these words and hear myself say that “That was back then… I made it through that and here I am..” When you hit the lowest of lows, it can only get better.

I try not to be jealous of those who seem to have it all. I remind myself I am blessed just as many times over if not more — just in different ways. I have green grass on my side of the fence, too…

And my bed beckons. I want to have an early start Friday so I can get home sooner, too. Today was nice. I spent the day in the city with my boy. I want more of those but I end up not being as productive at work — but it’s well worth it.