Thursday, December 13, 2007

I don't advertise it. I don't ask people to read it (Except, of course, for Sarah). I don't censor it. So...here's the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some of my deepest thoughts, my dumbest fears, and beyond all that, exactly what I think. EXACTLY.

This reminds me of something that happened last night. I was getting ready for my date with a guy in my ward named Adam. I put on something that I would normally wear, being a short dress with a turtle neck underneath, and skinny jeans. Because my hair was greasy, I knew I had to put it in a ponytail. As a result of the hair in a ponytail and turtleneck, I knew I wouldn't look like a girl unless I was wearing earrings. Now...I have these massive gold earrings. If you haven't seen them, you will. I love them. They were $3.00 at forever 21, and have already paid for themselves in wear. Good thing, since I usually lose my earrings. I went out to talk to my roommate Natalie for a minute and she said, "Are you sure you want to wear those? They might scare him...he seems like kind of a small-town guy." At this point, something inside me snapped and I said, "You know what, Natalie? I don't care. I don't care what he thinks. I'm going to wear what I want, and tonight, he's going to get to know me."

What a novel idea! Usually when I go on a date, I put hours into deciding what I'm going to wear, how I'll fix my hair, trying to make sure I will impress the person I intend to spend my evening with. I even do it with some of my friends. "What will Scott think of this?" is not an unusual thought for me. Not anymore. I was comfortable last night, because for my date...I went as me.

Sounds like halloween, doesn't it? "What are you going as, Adrienne?" "Good question. Tonight, I'm going as Molly Mormon!" Sometimes I'm guilty of straightening my hair before I go on a date, because I don't want to scare anyone. I guess what I'm saying is...

I don't care anymore. Or at least I'm working on it. Working on not caring. Because here's the thing. I care what other people think. Once one of my closest friends said to me, "Adrienne, it's about where your confidence lies. If you have confidence in who you really are, then it won't matter what anyone else says." He's right. (He said that almost a year ago...and I think it might just now be sinking in...)

It's a hard time. I'm trying to learn how to make the best of all of this, but I'm not really sure how.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart...the waking up is the hardest part.