Saturday, May 29, 2010

I think the reason the whole thing with otherC upsets me
is because he claimed to be totally in love with me
he told me he loved me more than anyone else.

and yet he didn't seem to care for me.

when he wanted to have sex,
he ignored my attempts to say no.

i almost started crying while watching Nightmare on Elm Street
because at one part Freddy says
"your mouth says no,
but your body says yes."

i can't quite remember 100%.
i've kinda blocked the event.
but i'm pretty sure he said that to me at the time.
either that or implied it,
because i know he tried to work my body into saying yes
even though i was trying to say no.

when we had sex,
he just seemed more concerned with how he felt.
completely.
and he just let off on my stomach,
and then like halfheartedly cleaned me up.
he took a tissue and like whiped,
and then left the rest.
and then obsessively attended to himself.

and he was always trying to get my hand down his pants,
and i just wasn't comfortable enough with him,
i was constantly scared.
i thought it was normal at the time,
because i was so inexperienced.

i know now from being with S that it wasn't just inexperience.
i really just wasn't comfortable or ready.
and he just didn't care.

i hate that he pretended he did.
tried to use it to his advantage.

fucking argh.
i don't know how i'll forget this,
but i wish i could.
it's too much hurt.

sorry for the tmi post.
i tried to substitute words,
and like omit some comments.
but the things he did just hurt because he didn't care about me.

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