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Monday, 31 July 2017

This week I actually wanting to give more thought to my process of healing. I’ve been doing a lot of personal soul-searching and a lot of research online in regards to anxiety, depression and anything that may give me help and insight into what has been effecting me recently and various methods of therapy available. I have taken a break from Facebook, something that was suggested could aggravate the things I’ve been feeling. Like a puzzle that has confounded me I am determined to work towards a solution.

In doing this I am having to look at things I haven’t in years, tracing back the roots of my negative behavior to generally a single moment where that pattern took root. Much of it is too much to share here yet in its entirety, as I am only starting to scratch the surface of the “hows” and “whys”. Yet there is much that is becoming more clear and though the path is long and will be painful, I see that it is a path to healing through acceptance and forgiveness of myself and others.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

This week’s comic addresses the rather darker aspect of self-mutilation, I bounced back and forth if I should include this panel. Though I have been free from it for years my skin itself speaks the truth of what a prevalent part of my life it once was, so I finally decided I needed to include it.

It’s strange so many years later to have found a better understanding as to why this was so effective and addictive for me. If the anxiety that, I’m coming to realize, seems to have always been a part of my life is a result of an overactive, and unnecessary fight or flight response. The calming effect of causing damage was undeniable, with the release of endorphins the flame brain would finally calm, and I would experience a kind of peace and relaxation that was and still is rare for me to know.

But my arms would end up just covered with cuts, which for the most part I wouldn’t hide. It became too much, I knew it wasn’t a solution, it was just dysfunctional. I broke the pattern so long ago but still it was like any other addiction, you have to be firm with the decision, understand that you may relapse, but keep pushing forward with your goal.

I still struggle with many of my feelings every day, using this comic and blog to help me better understand myself, where these feelings are coming from and how to heal these parts of myself. I’m hope that making these public may mean that maybe my experience can help someone else too. Even if it’s just to let them know they are not alone.

Many resources are available, I started by speaking with my doctor, and found I had many options from group therapy to one on one counseling. The first step is to reach out and tell someone to talk about how you feel, and to ask for help.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

With the completion of NPC I’m back to work on my own weekly web comic. I missed it, I definitely find it cathartic, and I’ve had some challenges facing my very chaotic emotions recently. But it is a bit like trying to pick up a train of thought again, I kind of forgot where I was going. Especially, as it seems surprisingly appropriate after the presidential election yesterday! This week’s comic focuses on the final stage of an attack for me. Tears, that extinguishes the flames. Though I am often left feeling burnt out depressed and often extremely guilty. The high intensity burn of the anxiety finally subsides. But for how long.

Crying though often seen as something bad to be stopped or avoided, I’ve always tried to view as a necessary release. It surprised me when I considered how often I use crying as a positive release is to aid my normal functionality, many mornings as I begin warming up for my days illustrating I play music I can sing to. Often I become moved to tears over the expression of a sad song and I cry a bit. I feel all good art stems from emotion, and it’s good to stir things up. I also found that release in the morning even if I had nothing in particular to cry brought about my calmer, more inspired more productive days. So maybe for me expression through the tears, through expression through singing really does help quench my flame brain.