Could you be a little more to the point? Sure. You're fired. Axed, dismissed, downsized, being shown the door, given the old heave-ho, being made redundant, losing your job, getting the boot. You're history.

You mean I don't get a column any more? You always were quick on the uptake.

But why? Because your cheap gags don't fit in the slick, new-look, sophisticated, continental, cappuccino-and-croissant Guardian that is launching on Monday. We'll probably have a few aperçus from Bernard-Henri Levy instead.

I can't believe it. Fifteen years of loyal service. Gore Vidal (he was the first), Hamlet (most likely to say: "Get thee to a nunnery"), Elizabeth Hurley (least likely to say: "Get me to a nunnery"), Tory politicians called Norman, Big Brother contestants, celebrity chefs, Booker-prize-winning novelists. It's been a unique tableau of contemporary history. Everyone (except Jonathan Miller) loved it. But that was then. Fashions change. This is the age of the New Seriousness.

But this is all I've ever known, these instant 308-word portraits of people in the news, offbeat stories about iguanas in Leamington Spa, cheap innuendos, feeble satire. I've nowhere else to go. Can't you find a slot for me next to Radio or in the Office Hours section? Sorry.

Least likely to say: "Any chance of me writing the leaders?"

Most likely to say: "This can't be the final line, there has to be something ab

About this article

Pass notes

This article appeared on p3 of the G2 section of the Guardian
on Thursday 8 September 2005.
It was published on
the Guardian website
at 19.02 EDT on Thursday 8 September 2005.
It was last modified at 08.33 EST on Tuesday 27 January 2015.