Lucy in the Pie with Diamonds

Pie Day Friday, at its inception, had a zero-tolerance drugs policy. If any Friende of Pye, as members were then called, were found in possession of alcohol, ketamine, or, God forbid, caffeine, they were dishonourably disbarred. Some chapters of the burgeoning pionic movement went so far as to submit those seeming too perky to pseudo-trials – indeed, although the Salem trials are widely believed to have targeted witchcraft, some suggest that they were provoked by a pieoneer caught red-handed with a Venti Mochaccino.

Nowadays, of course, things have changed. Pie Day Friday could hardly be Pie Day Friday without a pint and a hearty dose of ket! It’s true that coffee drinkers are still frowned-upon by pionic puritans, but at worst deviants are asked to read an extensive dossier on the evils of being alert.

Yes, we’re a far cry from the days when mere possession of a Starbucks loyalty card meant expulsion from the Order, and whilst no one wishes a regression to a fiercely punitive system, some Members of Pieliament have regretted a certain nostalgia for the old days. Whereas contemporary platipie aim mainly to bring in the weekend with a delicious meal and some numbing substances, our forefathers saw Pie Day Friday as a valuable opportunity to swap knowledge about dragons, agriculture, and other old-timey things.

These days we tend to text each other about advancements in the field of piestory, thus rendering obsolete one’s ability to cohesively debate pastry developments at Pie Day itself. Again, no one can argue that today’s means of communication aren’t effective; for the first time ever, pie crosses all borders. Despite this, it’s a shame that our Piological Philosophers, the so-called Others, be confined to a minority of pie-goers. Truly deep thinkers are hard to come by.

My dear friend and comrade in pieishness, Pearl Kalfseer, happens to study philosophy with a bias towards pieology. When I asked her what she thought about the so-called decline in pionic depth, she responded, “It’s not about how we change the pie. It’s about how the pie changes us.”

She was right: what does it matter that our dear, drug-addled Friends of Pie aren’t solving the mysteries of the universe. What matters, what’s always mattered, is that we have pie, and pie has us.