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Monday, September 7, 2009

Creep

Cassandra Rhodin I recently read this post from Rich Santos, a writer for Marie Claire, about what makes a guy creepy and it really got me thinking: Well, what makes a guy creepy? A term too habitually used by girls:

That outfit makes him look like a rapist: creepy.

His teeth are crooked: creepy.

He laughs at everything I say: creepy.

Admittedly, the term does get tossed around almost too nonchalantly; however, there are indeed things that can make many guys deserving of the title.

Being too touchy right away: Creepy. Maybe not every girl is as rude as I am, but I like a little mystery. Someone who is all over me in the beginning cries desperate and needy. I like to warm the kettle slowly, let the water boil, allow the heat to rise; need more examples? I don’t, however, like the splash zone. You know, you’re enjoying the show, then unexpectedly you are drenched, unprepared--no poncho--and your churro is soggy. No fun.

Making weird noises when you hug: high pitch screeches to match the intensity of your grasp is just plain creepy. If I wanted to hug a dog toy, I would.

Texting or calling every day while in a relationship is okay. Texting or calling every day when you are not is creepy. What happened to the "I need man-space, ego?" Unless I am seeing you seriously already, it’s not funny or cute to hear you just made yourself dinner and are now watching Family Guy out of the blue with nothing else to add to that statement. It makes me wonder if you have a life or any sense.

Drinking lite beer; man up you creep.

Talking about celebrity girls like you can actually get them. Yes, we all have our innocuous crushes. I have my very long list of men--and Megan Fox--that I would not mind spending a night with. Meeting you for the first time should not involve the top ten movies you think Jessica Biel looks good in. Unless you want me carrying around a picture of John Mayer in a silver locket while professing my undying love for him then leave the sinister fantasies at home.

Talking about yourself like you’re the best damn thing that ever happened to Earth: because you aren't. You did not major in awesomeness, no matter how many times you claim you did. You are not a black belt in kick-ass. Just stop while you are ahead or at least while you are moving at a speed of normalcy.

Smacking when you joke; not only is this annoying, but it is uncomfortable for everyone around. During the act, by the way, someone is going through a play-by-play of how much harder you smack behind closed doors. I don’t need social services contacting me nor do I need to be smacked every time you say "orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

Thinking you are compatible with someone based off their looks. It doesn't work like that for girls. We girls are all about personality and then look’s (well, we tell ourselves that). If I can't carry on a conversation with you about my interests in which you can relate to, my blonde hair or whatever you saw and liked will not make this last.

Standing awkwardly close from behind while I am talking to a group makes me wonder what you are doing back there. Can’t you just stand next to me or in the group itself? Chances are, when I back up and step on your K Swiss shoes, my drink is flying in the air and a slew of curse words will follow. Not how a lady should act.

Lastly, under any circumstance, do not ask a girl for a kiss because you think you deserve it. You don't deserve anything shy of the prize at the bottom of a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Unless you are in a relationship with the person, asking ruins anything you might have redeemed from prior rile behavior cowboy.