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Domestic violence can be manifested in different ways: physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, or psychological aggression. There are important things you can do when a loved one is caught in an abusive relationship.

Learn the warning signs of abuse

Some warning signs include:
Their partner criticizes or puts them down in front of others.
Their partner makes threats or demands.
Their partner refuses to allow the victim to have any privacy.
They worry about angering or upsetting their partner.
They make excuses for their partner’s behavior.
They have unexplained bruises or injuries.
They stop spending time with loved ones.

Initiate a conversation

You can start by saying “I’m concerned about you because…” or “I’ve noticed some things that worry me.” Don’t try to force the person to talk, just let them know that you have observed things like depression or attempts to hide bruises or injuries.

Listen and be supportive

If someone trusts you enough to open up to you about their situation, listen attentively and be supportive without offering advice or trying to solve their problems. Let the person share their feelings without interrupting. Reassure the victim that anything they say is confidential. Don’t be judgmental, no matter how negatively you view the situation and the abuser.

Believe the victim

Often others may be shocked to think that the perpetrator could be an abuser. Consequently, victims may be reluctant to tell anyone about the abuse for fear of not being believed. Reassuring the victim that you believe their story will make them more willing to confide in you.

Validate the person’s feelings

The victim may have mixed feelings about their abuser and the situation. They may feel love, guilt, fear despair, hope or a combination of all of these. Validate their feelings and let them know it’s normal to have conflicting emotions. Let the person share all of their feelings without fear of criticism.

Encourage them to be involved

Often abusers discourage victims from being in contact with friends and family and out of jealousy try to isolate them from other people. The more support victims feel from others, the more likely they will have enough confidence to seek help or leave their abuser.

Assist them to develop a safety plan

Help the victim create a plan for what to do if violence occurs again or if they decide to leave the situation. They need: a safe place to go; an excuse to leave if they feel they are in danger; and a bag packed with important documents, keys, and a change of clothes that can be available easily in a crisis.

Suggest specific help and services

Find a local organization that provides counseling or support groups for domestic violence victims. Offer to accompany them to support services or to the police, lawyer, or court.

Call the police

If you see or hear abuse, call 911. Involving the police is the most effective way to save someone from imminent physical danger. Children should never be left in a dangerous situation, even if it goes against the wishes or the victim or the abuser.

Avoid these things

Don’t bad mouth the abuser. Focus on negative behavior, not negatives about the person.
Don’t blame the victim. The abuser blames the victim. Don’t reinforce the victim’s negative self-image.
Don’t underestimate danger. Statistics show that over half of female homicides were related to domestic violence.
Don’t provoke the abuser. Avoid aggravating a person who may feel threatened and be potentially violent.

Your instinct may be to try to rescue a loved one from a situation of domestic violence, but ultimately the decision to leave the abuser or to get help belongs to the person being abused. Providing a safe and loving relationship can let the victim know that they are valued and supported and hopefully give them the strength to get help and get out of an abusive situation.

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