13 Strange Observations of South Korea

That Koreans are pretty nuts I realized from the moment I peaked out of the airplane. But weird is good. Weirdness gives life flavour. It’s never the civilized and mundane that make the news or catch your attention and create those stories you’re still telling your friends up until the day of today. I’m a bit of a loon myself, or at least I’ll try to be.

However, Koreans are different in a more quiet, introverted way. A way that’s hard to decipher for ignorant strangers who are completely green to the culture. For someone like me. All I knew about South Korea is that it's somewhere right up there on the map, produces one of the fastest internet on the globe and that it released Gangnam Style on worldwide radio channels. I had no clue about what they eat, how they dress or that they actually have their own alphabet: hangul. Yes, pretty damn clueless, ready for a hefty culture shock that took me a few weeks to recover from.

This is how Koreans walk the street, right? Oh boy, I was doing it all wrong.

However, three months later I know a little bit more. I’m not saying I understand, I’m saying I saw stuff. And I’m ready to share.

Observations from a foreigner in South Korea:

​Communication is a bitch

There I was, sniffing up the air of a new country, ready to explore new lands. But first I needed to take a bus out of the airport. No probs bro, just asking one of these friendly tourist-office-ladies over there!

Fuck me in both ears. I like to believe I know my languages (nine – seems sufficient), but I never had any valid reason to add Korean to the list. But you’ll better, as no one speaks a word of English. No one, as in: ‘I think in three months I met about five people who could’. This includes people that work in hotels or tourist facilities. I can confidently say I’m pretty good at hints after my time here, give me a word and I vividly play it out for you!

One thing that stuck: If Koreans mean ‘no’ they fold their arms in a big X. First I thought Xzibit just made a massive comeback here, but this turns out to be the nation-wide symbol for getting you off their back. (And in classrooms, kids don’t put up their fingers… they put up their fists to grab their teacher’s attention. Freddy Mercury would be proud.)

That said, the limited knowledge of the English language brings along some t-shirt slogans and company names that truly are a lust for the eyes. Spotted: “All comes from nothing, connect yes” – “Everyday fresh fresh happy day” and “Welcome to the Potato Hotel”. And where spoken/written communication fails, childish graphics come in. There’s no age limit for Pokemon-style signs, cute cartoons clarify intentions from kindergarten to courtrooms.

Even when you speak Korean, you won’t hear a word they say

You know these loud American tourists you hear entering the village from seven miles away? Well, Koreans are the exact opposite of that. Never in my life had I experienced public transport that soundless. If I would let out a minuscule fart in the back of the bus the driver would give me ‘the look’ when l get out in the front, that quiet. One of the biggest mysteries of life is how Koreans manage to have telephone conversations in public without letting out a single sound, basically playbacking the entire conversation… impossible to hear by a person sitting 10 centimeters away from them, but somehow they manage to make themselves clear to the person on the other end of the line.

Phones are life

Talking about phone calls, there’s not one thing more crucial in Korean culture than mobile phones. You know those old knockers complaining about ‘nowadays youth’ being overly absorbed in their cell phones? My suggestion: Give them a trip to South Korea and you’ll never hear them nagging ever again. I literally saw people looking at photos of a waterfall on Instagram while actually standing in front of that same waterfall, not giving the real deal a single look. I lost count of the people bumping into me on the street because their phone is sucking up all their consciousness… when walking, eating, working out.​The only time you see some eyes peaking from behind the screen is when they’re:

​Taking selfies

All the freaking time.

You want to integrate in Korean culture? Photograph every single thing you do, from what’s on your plate to the face you make when someone makes a joke (and if you didn’t catch it quite right – pretend to laugh again). I was completely baffled by conversations abruptly being interfered for a spontaneous not-so-spontaneous photo, throwing in the most surreal facial expressions and hand symbols. Not looking sharp today? Don’t you worry mister, Korean phones have a built-in filter so you look like a K-Pop Idol no matter how early in the morning.

In Busan’s Museum of History I learned Koreans first contact with the camera wasn’t love at first sight, as they believed it to drain the soul. But they clearly overcame that initial objection.

​Couples wearing the exact same clothing

When taking a selfie, couples go all-out. They go even as far as wearing the exact same clothes all day, just to show the world their love. Personally, if I had a penis I would instantly lose my erection in case my second half would propose such a jolly idea. It became an obsession. Everywhere I spotted them I hunted them down like wild animals to corner them for the perfect shot. Even better than selfies. My modest compilation:

Love hotels

Instead of wearing the she-version of my new lover’s outfit I’d preferably show my fresh passion a whole different way. Primarily in the bedroom. Or the car, kitchen, behind a tree… you know, the fire of early affection. But that’s exactly what Koreans avoid. Not because they don’t like sex, but because they generally live in with their parents until marriage. You don’t want dear old mother-in-law as the prime audio-witness of hot nights of steamy hanky-panky. So they created love hotels*, which are exactly what you think they are. Red sensual lighting, rotating beds and erotic jacuzzis… Koreans take ‘having a naughty’ to a whole other level.

Even just for the simple sake of night rest, a love hotel might be a fab idea. You see, Koreans sleep on the floor. I found myself looking around quite puzzled in the first Korean-style apartment I was supposed to spend the night in. Where was the bed? I was standing on it. Roll out a thin mat for hygiene and there it is.​No judgments. But I left Korea two months ago and I’m currently seeing a doctor for back problems that suddenly came into existence in Korea. Let’s just say it’s not for everyone.

“The Art of Minimalism”

There are other things Koreans don’t have. Shower curtains, for example. In fact, the toilet and the shower are the exact same thing. But won’t everything get wet? Yes. Yes it will. That’s why they give you little croc-style plastic slippers, for if you need to go for a wee afterwards and aren’t a fan of soppy socks. Ahhhh, and maybe that’s why you can only buy toilet paper with 50 rolls at a time! It gets soaking wet after every little sprinkle, so they have to be replaced continuously.​Another one: Deodorant. I think I visited about 35 department stores before I traced one down, for which I had to spend almost 10 bucks. That said, I never met a bad-smelling Korean, so they must have some magical skin and a winning pack of genes.

And sometimes there's no toilet at all! Minimalism at its best! Just drop it in the hole...

​The youngest-looking people in the world

Magical skin and perfect genes indeed: I never felt anywhere so old as in South Korea. Where at home people compliment me for my slowly-aging looks and during my recent adventures in New Zealand I even had to show my ID to buy alcohol (their ozone layer is wrecked, UV blazing relentlessly on their faces)… Korea made me feel nearly-retired. I met people of exactly my age looking like brisk teenagers.

That said, there comes a point it’s all over. I strongly believe that they look exactly the same for about 60 years in a row and one day they wake up with a head full of wrinkles, a crouched spine and a fluorescent suncap. No, I’m not gonna be racist here and say they all look the same, because they really don’t (although that’s what they do say about us westerners), but when they’re old they all have the exact same clothing and hairdo, like a silent agreement… it’s intriguing.

Age +1

And if the young looks of the smooth-skinned Koreans didn’t make you feel 100 years old already, I have news for you. You’re 1, or sometimes even 2, year(s) older here. Koreans have a different age-system, believing the baby is already 1 year old at birth. Then every New Year everyone simultaneously gets a year older… meaning that if you’re born on the 31st of December you’re already 2 years old the next day.​Something else that has nothing to do with anything: Your last name is your name. People will refer to you first by your family name, followed by your given name. Just felt like writing that down too.

They eat EVERYTHING

Their young looks, must be something they eat, right? I wish you good luck figuring out what exactly, as they eat everything. And by that I really mean eve-ry-thing!!! From the infamous dog meat (bosintang – dog stew) that put Asia on the map by every xenophobe out there, to pigeons, eyes, chicken feet (incl. nails), intestines, seasoned silk worms and actual living (and moving!) seafood. Fuck, a Korean Couchsurfing host even told me about the elite practice of eating brain out of a living monkey! It’s bad news to be an animal in Korea.

Bon appétit.

“A dog is a man’s best friend” simply doesn’t fly in Korea.

To slide in all those ‘delicacies’ you might want to practice your ‘stick-eating-skills’, because your good old eating irons are entirely absent within the Korean land borders. A spoon you might hunt down, and if you’re very lucky a fork… but a small knife is simply non-existent in local etiquette.

​Rules are holy

If you want to discover the rebel in you, start of lightly by visiting Korea. Doesn’t matter what you do really, basically everything you don’t see people doing around you can be considered shocking. Crossing during a red light? Oh golly! Jumping a fence? The nerve! Someone throwing garbage on the ground is simply unthinkable (luckily… but simultaneously presenting a challenge as there aren’t any public trashcans around, and people literally put padlocks on their private ones… another Korean mystery remaining unrevealed). As someone who generally sees ‘rules’ as the fence after which life gets interesting, I assume my visit didn’t go by unnoticed. Everyone simply fetishes on rules, and every individual enforces them on any other as another – unwritten – rule of society itself.

Which is why:

Korea is one of the safest country’s I’ve ever visited

After having spent about 3,5 years hitchhiking through Latin America, cautiousness and a heavily trained instinct became part of my nature. Which is why I simply couldn’t comprehend how ridiculously safe Korea is. I guarantee you with a straight face, I can leave the laptop I’m currently writing on in the middle of the busiest square in town and two hours later the lappy’s still there.

The only real danger you might run into is having your eyes pierced out of your skull by a sea of umbrellas… walking through a rain shower without a brolly is as unusual as a Korean raising his/her voice.

Koreans. They’re good folks. And a bit odd, which makes me like ‘em even more.

​Okay, another one: The Korean Hiking Etiquette, turning them into alien creatures not susceptible for any form of reason. Read (here!) and wonder.

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