June 28, 2010

Yes, the single dumbest musical instrument and temporary obsession of people who are hellbent on annoying you into going all Jack Nicholson in The Shining since dudes were playing the “Star Wars” theme on the nose flute, the Vuvuzela — that stupid South African horn people can’t stop blowing during the World Cup — has reasonably driven an otherwise sane person to the brink. Let this be a lesson to all.

Now, apparently, this happened on Friday, but over the weekend, Vuvuzelas started being seen en masse in New York at bars showing the World Cup. Let me stress that this is New York City, not South Africa. In South Africa, you don’t have to take the L-Train to get anywhere. In New York, you do. And the threshold for this kind of nonsense is also reflected by Americans abroad in the Rhineland, where Vuvuzela-ing is apparently acceptable. But one man finally stood up for himself, and his ears, and his brain:

Police in the Bavarian city of Weiden said Friday the 45-year-old man confronted his neighbors during Thursday’s Netherlands-Cameroon World Cup game wielding the ax. They said he was so sick of the constant buzzing and honking from the vuvuzelas since the tournament began that he screamed: “I will kill you,” and then returned home. German authorities took the U.S. Army civilian employee into custody and turned him over to U.S. military police. The military says he has been released and the matter is in German hands.

On one hand, no, nobody should threaten anybody with an ax.

On the other hand, it’s like: Honestly, can you blame him?

An interesting footnote to this news report, however, shows that the Vuvuzela Plot to Destroy The World is all a strictly capitalist (and genius endeavor):

The trumpets were first produced and marketed in 2001 by South African Neil Van Schalkwyk, who still owns the rights to the vuvuzela name. His latest innovation is to sell each with a pair of earplugs included.

You say “innovation,” I say “scaling your business.” Next thing you know, each Vuvuzela’s going to come with a privatized security contractor. Genius. Terrible, terrible genius. The Vuvuzela must be destroyed. Kill the Vuvuzela.