Under Pressure

Peer pressure never goes away. So choose your friends wisely.

Have you ever been on a diet and had a well-meaning friend encourage you to eat that piece of chocolate cake, to just “live a little”? Or perhaps you’ve actually lost some significant weight and your friend takes you out to eat to celebrate?! “You’ve been so good – try the French fries and the cheesecake!”

Are these really friends? And are they really well-meaning?

People sometimes sabotage our diets for personal reasons. They really want that chocolate cake and they feel uncomfortable eating it if you’re not. Or they want to go out to eat and really indulge but they don’t want to sense (or even imagine) your disapproving glance. If you don’t have dessert, how can they? It doesn’t matter whether you are actually judging them or not. The feeling is hard to shake. The influence of peers is powerful, whatever our age.

My daughters tell me that there is always one girl in seminary reading the calorie count on everything they eat. That is peer pressure in the opposite direction. “Don’t you dare enjoy that.” “If you gain weight, you’ll be sorry, you’ll be unattractive.” It may be obnoxious but it stops them in their tracks.

Our peers can lift us up or they can drag us down.

Studies have shown that the most powerful incentive to get teenagers and young adults to stop smoking is the belief that none of their peers think it’s cool to smoke. And vice versa. We are never immune to the behavior and values of our friends and colleagues, no matter how old we are. So we need to choose carefully.

Except in extreme circumstances, the situations above don’t really make a difference. Our lives will not be changed significantly by that piece of chocolate cake (unless it’s really good!). But our responses to our peers, the way in which we allow ourselves to be subject to their influence (willingly or unwillingly, consciously or subconsciously) is not limited to our caloric intake.

What if we want to grow and change? What if we think a certain type of entertainment is inappropriate for our family? What if we think our daughters should dress a little more modestly than is currently in vogue (a friend recently referred to his 14 year-old daughter’s party attire as “early hooker”)? What if we want to be more careful about not gossiping, more sensitive to the feelings of others? How will the viewpoints and behaviors of our peers affect us then?

“C’mon, just one tidbit of dirt,” they cajole. “We know you have the inside story.” “I know that outfit doesn’t fit within your budget but you only live once!” “Everyone says this movie is fantastic; how could you not see it?” “It’s not inappropriate; it’s art.”

These are everyday situations and everyday challenges. Our peers can lift us up or they can drag us down. They can encourage us to call them to learn every day or to call to talk about our friends. And it’s not just their words that affect us; their actions do too. Even if they don’t actually urge us to behave in certain ways, we are affected by their behavior. If we are with a group of people speaking negatively about others, it affects our sense of what’s right and wrong. It becomes tempting and acceptable and even appropriate to participate. If all of our friends dress a certain way, we don’t want to be out of step. We may not even notice how we are affected by their fashion sense. And their goals and values on deeper levels affect us as well – what they do, what they talk about, where they vacation, how they allow their children to speak and behave.

We tend to think the peers are only powerful in adolescence (they may reach their peak there) but they affect us our whole lives. True friends support our choices – whether it’s to exercise self-control and not order dessert, whether it’s to dress in a more dignified way (and less high fashion), whether it’s to steer the conversation away from people and onto more meaningful topics and whether it’s to work on our character and growth as opposed to focusing on our leisure and relaxation.

When our children are teenagers, they don’t always choose their friends well. And, at that point in their lives, they are not amenable to our constructive suggestions about choosing better comrades. But we are adults and we should know better. We are in a position to choose friends and we need to choose well. I personally like the combination of being growth-focused and enjoying that chocolate cake…

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(5)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2012 12:27 PM

Here is a profound saying I read on a poster: What's popular isn't always right, and what's right isn't always popular. I'm also reminded of my mother (z'l) who used to ask if everyone were jumping off of a bridge would I do it as well. Going against the grain has not always been easy for me, but there are times in life when it must be done.

(4)
SusanE,
May 1, 2012 8:40 PM

Let Your No Mean No.

Peer pressure? Why do we always call it peer pressure when it's something your friends want you to do that's bad for you. How about if a peer says to you, "don't order that bowl of french fries and a soda. Try the chicken and veggie platter and a glass of iced tea. Com'on just try it once". Would a kid give in to that type of cajoling? Nah......After a few times he would find another group of friends who ate french fries. - - - - - - -- - - Using peer pressure as an excuse is just lying to ourselves.... we actually want to do what our friends are doing. That's why we choose them to hang out with. Peer pressure is baloney. Kids at 15 and adults at 50 are totally responsible for their own behavior. - - - - - Last week there was a 20 / 20 special on Kids Cheating. The premise was Sports and Trivia. All but 3 of the children cheated while we and their parents watched on hidden camera. One girl who cheated cried, but the other cheaters smiled about it and had absolutely no shame. The very worst part was when the parents came out of the other room.....they made EXCUSES for their cheating and lying children. - - - - - - - - - - - - I have hope for this world by seeing those three ethical, honest children who stood up for their own beliefs and did what is right.

(3)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 8:28 PM

true

This is really true and it is worded excellently .

(2)
Regina,
April 18, 2012 9:45 PM

Glad this topic has been raised

This is way more common than one might think, and it starts in the family. When one is trying to be on a diet (for health reasons, kosher reasons, or anything else), and one's mother gets offended when her greatest, delicious unkosher calorie nightmare isn't tasted, it's VERY hard to say no. And those of you who have the will power to do so tactfully without starting World War III, my hat is off to you. Or what about if you are in your early 30s and unmarried, and your friends and especially family start saying how picky you are and how you need to just "grow up" and pick someone you know is wrong for you...what then? Have we all been successful with a firm no? Peer pressure is alive and well.

(1)
Rachel,
April 17, 2012 9:09 PM

I hope you don't really have friends like those you describe

I can honestly say that no one I know tries to get others to overeat, gossip, spend gratuitiously, etc.
And if I did, then that would still be of no consequence to me (other than steering clear of them.) Anyone who is still so subject to peer pressure much beyond their teens really needs to grow up!

L.S.,
April 18, 2012 12:51 PM

Agreed!

With "friends" like the ones described above, who needs enemies? Thank goodness none of my friends are like this! And if they were, they would not be friends, that's for sure!

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

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