Sep 26, 2007

Beloved TV icon and GOP presidential candidate Gopher Fred Thompson went on the Tonight Show last night to challenge other actors who have played presidents to debate. Several prominent actors were included, and Thompson weighed their relatives strengths and weaknesses, but he also pointedly excluded several and explained why:

ACTORS INVITED:

MARTIN SHEEN

THOMPSON: Sheen is smart, earnest, hard-working, and has played the president on TV for a couple of seasons, so he'll get a lot of those confused voters who think he's already president. No question it's tough to dislodge an incumbent.

On the minus side, he's way too liberal on the show and in real life. And I heard around town his boy Charlie is pretty wild, so he won't go over with the family values crowd.LENO:And he's short.

THOMPSON: ...and he's short. You can't stand tall if you aren't tall.

HARRISON FORDTHOMPSON: He'll be a tough, tough opponent because he fought off terrorists on Air Force One in that action movie...what was it?

LENO: Air Force One.

THOMPSON: That's right, it was about Air Force One, but I can't remember the name. I do have one advantage over Ford; he's got a very monotone voice. The president has to do that weekly radio address as well as reading the teleprompter at speeches and repeating what ya hear in the earpiece when reporters ask questions. I've done a lot more voice over work than him--I was the narrator of all those Disney nature movies back in the 60s.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

THOMPSON: This boy is a real contender. He's got the fire in the belly, and he's a real poon hound. After the Clinton impeachment failed, our focus groups showed that Americans admired a president with a strong heterosexual libido. That gives Douglas a real edge over most of the candidates in the GOP mens room if you get my drift.

LENO: Uh, why are you tapping my foot under the desk, Fred?

ACTORS NOT INVITED:

GLEN CLOSE

THOMPSON: She is smart, tough as nails, and has a real screen presence.

LENO: And her face is already on Mt. Rushmore...

THOMPSON: You'd be a fool not to run if you look like George Washington. Hell, she don't even need the wig.

On the downside, male GOP voters are frightened by powerful assertive women. All those years of abusing farm animals and re-enacting the "squeal like a pig" scene from DELIVERANCE has left them with a fragile sexual identity that someone like her threatens. That's why I made sure my wife is obvious arm candy, so they can feel I'm manly enough for me AND them.

KEVIN KLINE and ROBIN WILLIAMS

THOMPSON: Come on, those movies were comedies, for God's sake!

Besides, we thought that would work with W--did you know they originally were going to give the part to Jim Varney if he hadn't died? Problem was, the mean-spirited, bumbling, retard president wasn't so funny once the bodies started piling up. The producers want to go a different way this time.

MORGAN FREEMAN

THOMPSON: He did excellent work in DEEP IMPACT, showed gravitas and compassion. That's tough to pull off.

But we can't have a colored fella who actually has a shot at the presidency in the running for the GOP nomination. Hell, Colin Powell cleared his throat about running in '96 and he got death threats from our base. If Freeman ran, everybody would be wearing white to the debates if you know what I mean.

If they Democrats want to run him, that's something else.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERTHOMPSON: This one is really painful for me. If Arnold could run I could finish out my life on LAW & ORDER and having my pretty little wife give me sponge baths and change my Depends.

You have no idea how much time and money the party put into making Arnold California governor, setting up that recall and trying to make Arnold look like he cared about family values. We figured if he ran, the Democrats could put up JFK, RFK, MLK, Mother Theresa, and Gandhi on one ticket and Arnold could beat 'em.

It is such a terrible, terrible waste....

LENO: uh, Fred, doesn't the Constitution say people born in Austria can't be president?

THOMPSON: Jay, the Constitution says a lot of things, but we got around most of them after 9/11, so we figured we could get around that one too. The American people just forgot to be afraid sooner than we expected and started paying attention to those little details again.

Sep 5, 2007

Many people have written to ask why Fred Thompson doesn't talk about his role playing the urbane Dr. Frasier Crane on CHEERS and FRASIER the way he does his stint on LAW & ORDER and of course playing Gopher on LOVE BOAT.

The answer is simple. Frasier Crane was was played by Kelsey Grammer not our beloved Fred Thompson.

Side by side photos seem to clear things up:

Grammer looks a good 40 years younger than Thompson. However, without Grammer's stage make up, the difference is more subtle. (Click the photo above to see a comparison to Grammer without make up).

No one would confuse the two if they heard them speak. Kelsey Grammar sounds like an over-enunciating East Coast patrician while Fred sounds like the narrator of those Disney nature movies from the 60s who would tell us what we could clearly see for ourselves like "The bear hibernates in the winter," or "Ducks fart underwater then swim away before the toxic fumes can reach the surface."

Another reason the two are mistaken for each other is their young, blond wives.

A close inspection of this photo reveals a key difference: Fred Thompson's wife is young enough to be Kelsey Grammer's wife's daughter.

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter if the two are confused with each other. But men enunciate clearly and are highly capable at reading off a teleprompter. Therefore, either would be equally well-qualified to be the GOP nominee for president.

Sep 1, 2007

Some people have wondered aloud how being Gopher on Love Boat prepared Fred Thompson for his most important role: being president of the United States.

For one thing, Gopher was a problem solver. If someone wanted to avoid their ex-wife, pretend to a nun when they are actually a prostitute, or know how to kiss a girl for the first time as in the episode with Scott Baio, Gopher was always there to help.

In the same way, he was a public servant. At the beginning of every single episode, he could be seen carrying the passengers bags aboard the ship.He was also able to deal effectively with people of all races, from the black bartender Isaac, to Asian passenger Pat Morita, to illegal immigrant Charo. In all cases, he was able to interact with them with grace and good humor while maintaining his superiority as a white man.

Needless to say, after serving so much time in uniform on a ship, Fred Thompson will be an excellent commander in chief.

Why Gopher?

America needs a president who knows how to ACT presidential and yet remember he is a public servant. Fred Thompson knows how to serve--he carried the bags of countless B list celebrities on THE LOVE BOAT. In the twilight of his life, he showed his commitment to law and order on the long-running TV show LAW & ORDER.

He also served the public as a congressman from Iowa and as a talk radio host in a small East Coast town.