I like me some early-morning music videos. Especially since, with the exception of Fuse and some of the “specific interest” offshoots of MTV and VH1 on digital cable (i.e. MTV Hits, VH1 Soul, VH1 Classic), most “music channels” nowadays stop showing anything remotely related to music (beyond the odd “Top 100 Blah Blah Blah” specials and dating shows in which the “prize” is a date with some rock star or rapper, but that hardly counts) by late morning. So if I wanna get my fix, I best get it early in the morning. Well, as I was flipping through the channels this morning: I came upon a disturbing sight on VH1: a teaser trailer for Katy Perry’s upcoming music video, “California Gurls” (as far as I know, having nothing to do with the Beach Boys hit of the same name. Thank God). And as if Katy hasn’t already caused me enough pain by releasing somewhat sexist and deceivingly homophobic (not to mention torturously catchy) songs like “I Kissed a Girl”, “Ur So Gay”, and “Hot ‘n’ Cold”, she has to put a sexual spin one of my favorite childhood board games now. I am, of course, referring to Candy Land. I could almost forgive the incredibly cheesetastic (not to mention oh-so-subtle) whipped-cream-with-a-cherry-on-top bra she’s got on (gettin’ real creative there, aren’t we?), not to mention the (even more subtle) projectile-whipped-cream bra (aw, who am I kidding. Katy, there’s nothing sexy about lactation. It’s an important function that some women choose to provide nourishment to their infants. Please don’t trivialize it by making it look sexual. Unless that bra was supposed to simulate some other bodily function. In which case, no, having two penises located where your boobs should be is not sexy either. It’s freakin’ disturbing). No, it’s the fact that Perry is doing this all while clearly trying to portray Queen Frostine. Well, at least she chose a character who is ostensibly an adult. It could have been worse I guess. She could have decided to dress up as Princess Lolly. But still. And Candy Land has been through enough BS in the past couple of years, what with their giving the game a makeover, turning Queen Frostine from a regal blue-haired snow queen to a blonde, Barbie-clone princess (that’s right. They’ve demoted her. And now Lolly isn’t even a princess anymore. She’s just…Lolly. And they’ve totally done away with plumpy, the lovable green fuzzball and guardian of the gingerbread plum trees) without Perry ruining it further. Well, I have to give her credit: at least she’s going for the old Queen Frostine look rather than the new-and-unimproved Princess Frostine look. That still doesn’t make me happy about what she’s doing to my childhood memories. But I’ll get over it. After all, I guess not all of Katy Perry’s stuff is terrible…I actually kind of liked “Waking Up in Vegas”…and actually, the song “California Gurls” doesn’t sound half bad. Not amazing, but not bad…just…the video…*shudders*