A Simple Solution To Getting The Sex You Want

Creating a sexual wish list

During the first term of my doctorate, one of our professors introduced me to the “Yes/No/Maybe” list. It’s a technique so simple, yet so effective, I was a little embarrassed that I’d never thought it of before. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the technique, it’s a super easy way of defining your sexual boundaries and communicating those boundaries to your partner.

Here’s what you do:

Step One: On a piece of paper, or in a word processing program, make three columns labelled “Yes” “No” and “Maybe.”

Step Two: Under “yes” write a list of your sexual wants. This is anything and everything that turns you on and gets you off. It doesn’t matter if it’s kinky, vanilla, or some delicious combination. All of us have specific things that work for us sexually. Writing them down helps bring our needs into focus.

Step Three: Under “no” write a list of your sexual limits. These are your no-can-do, won’t-go-there, non-negotiable boundaries. Again anything goes. There are a few items on my list “no” that most would consider very softcore...like tongue-kissing, which super-grosses me out.

Step Four: Under “maybe” write a list of the things you’re willing to try, even if they aren’t your specific turn ons. For example, I don’t find bondage especially arousing but I’m certainly game to try it if my partner is really into it.

Step Five (optional): Compare notes with your partner. Anything that appears on both of your “yes” lists, means you’re good to go! Stuff on both “no” lists is off the table. Sometimes you’ve put something — anal sex, for example — on the yes list and your partner has it on the maybe, well that’s an activity that’s up for negotiation. Talk about what makes it such a turn-on for you. Find out what they’d need to feel safe and comfortable, if they were going to give it a try. Stuff that’s on the no list isn’t going to happen, at least not with each other. If your partner is “yes” on something you’ve put as a “no," don’t panic. When it comes to having our sexual needs met, there are lots of options from fantasy to toys to having more than one partner. It all depends on what you like and what works for your relationship.

Additional Notes:

This is YOUR list. It can be set it stone. It can be fluid and ever-changing. It’s your life, your sexuality and your list can reflect whatever works best for you.

If you’re doing this activity with a partner, I suggest working on them at a time when sex isn’t imminent. Horniness is fab, but it tends to render the thinking part of the brain less effective.

Also, this exercise seems to work better if partners work on their lists separately. If you’re married or living together, you can set a timer and head off to different parts of your home to write. Once the timer goes off, reconvene — maybe with a bottle of wine and go through your lists together.

Nadine is a sexuality educator and parenting coach. She is married to a very clever mathematician and mom to one whirling-dervish of a little boy. She is currently working towards her doctorate in Human Sexuality with a focus on child and adolescent sexuality. In her spare time, Nadine enjoys adventures in the city with her family, good food and bad television.

Nadine grew up believing that healthy, pleasurable sex was something that would happen to her when the time was right. When her experiences didn’t live up to her expectations, she was determined to make things better. She began reading as many books and talking as many people as she could. She quickly discovered that the subject of sexuality was a Pandora’s Box of endless, fascinating information. In the years since, Nadine has come to understand that sexuality is a lifelong experience. She believes that passionately that learning about sex should begin when we’re young and continue throughout our lives. As an educator who learns something new virtually every day, Nadine is thrilled to share her best sex ed tidbits with the YMC readers!