Friday, January 3, 2014

5 Tips to Stay Warm During the Packers Game

Sunday's home playoff matchup against the 49ers is expected to be one of the coldest games of all time. But don't let the weather keep you down. Here's five ways you can stay warm and better enjoy the Packers' win.

1. Dress Appropriately. We’re talking fleece-lined denim on top
of fleece-lined denim (I’m sure Fleet Farm has an entire department for this),
leg warmers, even mittens from kittens if necessary – whatever you can get your
hands on. Keeping warm not a fashion contest, people, so don’t treat it like
one.

Clark Griswald improvised. So can you.

2. Cuddling. What could bring two Packer fans closer together
than in the warm embrace that lasts over three hours in the freezing cold of
Lambeau Field? I recommend setting the ground rules early. If Larry in section
112 foresees issues with playing footsie, maybe Bill in 110 won’t. Take your
time finding your perfect cuddle match – it’ll make the game that much more
enjoyable for you both. And for those seamstress savants out there, it’s not
too late to sew two snowmobile outfits together before Sunday…

3. One Word: Superhydrophics. It’s no secret if you get wet in
below-freezing conditions, hypothermia can set in immediately. And since
hypothermia’s symptoms include sleepiness, clumsiness and even slurred speech,
you don't want to be mistaken for a drunken fan instead of one who needs immediate
medical attention. Before you arrive, spray yourself from head to toe with a superhydrophic coating. You’ll not only stay amazingly dry despite nature’s best efforts, but you
can also charge $1 every time someone wants to watch nacho cheese slide off
your back.

4. Move! Imagine being in a literal frozen tundra sitting on a
block of ice. That’s pretty much EXACTLY the experience of watching a game on Lambeau’s
metal benches in winter. Try high-fiving your entire row when Sam Shields picks
off Kaepernick for the second time, or take a loop around the stadium and
prance the entire way. Moving around is one of the easiest ways to generate
body heat, and you’re only limited by your imagination. (Continuous shivering
does not count.)

5. Bowel Play. If you are truly in a dire, last-resort situation,
call your best friend and have him ride to you on his tauntaun. Once they
arrive and the tauntaun subsequently keels over and perishes, you have
permission to slice open its body and spread the warm bowels upon you until an
appropriate shelter can be made. It may smell bad, but it’ll keep you warm.

3 comments:

I also see that they'll be providing 2 free hot beverages per fan during the game (and with that amazing coating, if some bozo trips or slips and spills his all over you, no worries! It'll run right off, even better than Rain-X repels water from windshields!).Go Pack go!