More than you ever wanted to hear from Jenny Crusie

Modern Literary Terms: The Glittery HooHa

I’ve been working on the Fun Book on Sundays, and I ran into a snag because my hero, who is supernaturally irresistible (stick with me, it works) sleeps with at least twelve women before he goes to bed with the heroine. That’s believable given his character, but here’s the kicker: my heroine won’t sleep with him because he’s promiscuous–she’s no dummy–and he actually gives up other women to have her and keep her. I mean, what are the chances?

So I talked this out with a pal of mine, somebody who’s very savvy about literary convention and respectability, Lani Diane Rich.

“Sam nails everything that moves and then gives it all up for Char,” I told her. “Who’s going to believe that? I’m in so much trouble here.”

I’m going to quote directly now, because nobody explains the origin of the Glittery HooHa like Lani:

Once upon a time, in a land called Television Without Pity, the peasants gathered to discuss a particular type of character on soap operas. She was always blond, always beautiful, and always good-natured and kind, and always stupid beyond the telling of it. Did someone get approached by a masked man wearing dark gloves who needed help getting a puppy out of a wolf trap, only to happily agree to assist and disappear? It was her. Did someone get drunk on her honeymoon, pass out in a strange bed, and wake up only to assume on very little evidence that she’d slept with another man? Then lie about it? Then get caught lying? Then find out it was all a set-up by her evil twin, who had always been evil and had, in fact, done this before? It was her. Did someone get trapped in their own microwave oven?

Guess who?

And yet… there is a man. We’ll call him… Hero. Hero is handsome, he is strong, and… well, yes, okay, he’s kinda dumb, too, but still he manages to rescue her every single time she’s in trouble… which is approximately twice a show. He stays by her side and loves her through thick and thin. He disentangles her hair from the curling iron. He drops his Very Important Job to rush off and rescue her from the cardboard box on the pier where the Villain left her, warning her NOT TO SAY A WORD lest he do BAD BAD THINGS to her favorite hamster, so she kept quiet, even though the Villain was long gone, and many a passerby had passed her by. The Hero is loyal and loving
and doesn’t seem to mind the fact that she is so FREAKIN’ stupid. How can this be??

Well, my friends, it comes down to the power of the Glittery HooHa, or the GHH for short. A woman with an HH as G as this girl merely needs to walk around as glitter falls from her netherparts, leaving a trail for Hero to follow. And once he finds her, it only takes one dip in the GHH to snare him forever, for yea, no matter how many HooHas he might see, never will there be one as Glittery as hers…

I love Lani Diane Rich.

So, the Glittering HooHa or the GHH. Does my girl Char have one?

Char’s a redhead, not a blonde, and she’s a forty-two-year-old professor of Ancient Near Eastern History, so she’s not dumb although she has had her nose buried in her work for over twenty years which probably isn’t the brightest way to plan your life, and she owns a dog not a hamster, and she doesn’t end up in cardboard box on a pier although she does end up in an ancient temple with a pissed-off goddess . . .

“I don’t see it,” I told Lani.

But as she explained further, the GHH is more universal than the dumb blonde, it is, in fact, applicable to the romance heroine in general. “Char definitely has a GHH,” she told me. “Sam’s toast. One dip and he’s done.”

When I thought about it, I realized she was right about the romance heroine. Take J. T. Wilder, the hero of Don’t Look Down. He sleeps with a hot actress his first day in the story, even though he’s already met our heroine, Lucy, but the next day, he feels that something was missing. He can’t put his finger on it (stop snickering) but of course we know now it’s the GHH. Shortly thereafter, he and Lucy get horizontal and by damn, that’s it for J. T. My writing partner, we’ll call him Bob, took awhile to get used to this, probably because I didn’t know about the GHH and couldn’t explain it to him that way. In fact in his first draft of the day-after-Althea scene, J. T. was thinking he’d had a very good time.

“Nope,” I said.

“You’re kidding me,” Bob said. “He had great sex with a hot actress.”

“Yes, but it wasn’t that great,” I said.

“Yes, it was,” he said.

“No,” I said. “It wasn’t.”

“No, it really was.”

“Bob.”

“She’s an actress.”

“Bob.”

“Oh, come on.”

“No.”

So he sighed and wrote in the part about how something had been missing–“Yeah, right,” he said–and saved us from some angry mail although we still got a lot because J. T. dared to sleep with anybody but Lucy in the book. I guess J. T. wasn’t looking at the ground and missed the glitter on that first day.

So now I’m looking at Sam, who is irresistible to women and who in turn sees no point in resisting them, and at Char in her mud brown sweater and sensible shoes, and I’m thinking her GHH better have Super Glitter (which, come to think of it, it does), and that I’m going to have to write the hell out of this because even with a supernatural GHH in front of him, Sam is not going to find fidelity easy.

131 thoughts on “Modern Literary Terms: The Glittery HooHa”

oh my god!!! i love the Glittery HooHa!!! and i for one am very glad that something was missing for J.T. when he slept with Althea. i wouldn’t have liked him half as much if he thought it rocked and then slept with Lucy. might have made me consider violence….
anyways, the GHH is hilarious! thanks for brightening up my monday!

Hilarious post. The glittery hoo ha. Hah. Knew I was missing something, gonna go buy some glitter an fill me knickers. Seriously though, is it glittery hoo ha’s or pheromones?
Just give the stud muffin a dry spell, even a month is enough to make us believe, and if it’s a self-imposed hiatus more power to him, the heroine will be impressed.

The Smart Bitches called this the heroine’s ‘Magic Hoo Hoo’. I think the glittery Hoo-Ha/Magic Hoo Hoo must also have the magic power to cure the hero of STDs, because however promiscuous he’s been, the heroine never catches one from him.

Well, hellooooooo, Argh Inkers. Jenny gave me a heads up that she was unleashing my GHH analysis on the world at large, so I thought I’d stop in and see how y’all were doing. Feel free to ask questions. It is my humble purpose in life to spread The Good News of the Glittery HooHa.

Jamie asked: “But how does one determine the glitteriness of a HooHa? And how do other men not see the same trail of sparkles so obvious to the Hero?”

The Glitteriness of the HooHa is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

The answer to your second question is more complicated. Traditionally, the GHH’s purpose is as a trapping device; in order to fully function as such, it requires the dip. Most men can sense the G in the HH, but until they’ve dipped into it personally, they’re free to go on with their lives as originally planned. The actual glitter is metaphorical. So unless the heroine is out there being a big slut, which significantly reduces the G in her HH and disqualifies her for Good Heroine status in most romance novels and soap operas, then the G is only visible to the man owning the G-dipped HooHoo. (I have decided, after much consternation and discussion and argument with Jenny, that HooHa is the feminine and HooHoo is the masculine and HoHo is a delicious chocolately dessert pastry.)

Also, the G is stronger when the woman who owns the HH is truly smitten. The smittener, the more effective her GHH will be in ensnaring its prey. (Is it just me, or am I beginning to sound a lot like a National Geographic narration?) So, in Char’s case, she does indeed have a supernatural GHH, but for men she’s slept with who she hasn’t loved, the G wasn’t strong enough. She and Sam will have a deep emotional connection – which Sam has never had before, and which will be the “something missing” to draw him closer to Char – and by the time Char allows him access to her GHH, he’s almost toast anyway. And, bonus, Char’s GHH is not attached to a phenomenally stupid woman (on the contrary, Char’s one sharp mama) so Sam’s HEA (Happily Ever After) will be imminently more believable.

A warning, Roben: The GHH is a philosophical construct, not a literal reality. If you have not filled your knickers with glitter, please refrain from doing so as adding actual glitter to your hooha has not been clinically tested. If you’ve already done it, maybe you’ll want to go see a doctor. Unless it worked, in which case… maybe e-mail me privately. 🙂

As to whether the GHH comes down to sight (glitter) or smell (pheremones) again, the opportunity for scientific evaluation has been limited, as the concept and the people exhibiting symptoms are entirely fictional. However, when asking my daughter’s SpongeBob SquarePants Magic 8-Ball, these are the answers that came up:

Is it glitter?: Oh, Barnacles, No!
Is it pheremones?: You’ll Sea Soon.

This goes at the top of all my files in literary criticism! Thank you Lani and Jenny.
Jamie asked if other men were immune to the glitteriness, and I would like to point out that, at least in soap opera constraints, they are not. Which makes the other men do dastardly deeds to the GHH heroine, such as kidnap and brainwash her on a tropical island inhabited by little people, or make her queen of their country in an elaborate ceremony involving a large saphire necklace, oil lamps, silk pillows and processional where the sultan and the GHH heroine ride in one bejewled elephants after she has suffered from anmesia. Of course, this is only to worry the viewer into watching more episodes for the (temporary) HEA.
Caution: This is harder to work in in the constraints of a single novel. If you are writing a serial story, go for it.
Lani, does the constraint for testing the waters work the same way for the hero with the golden gun? If there is another well armed man, is it only after the heroine has been to the firing range that she selects her weapon of choice?

I’ve been chuckling behind my computer screen the whole time. My God, this is hilarious. It’s the serious tone that killing me.
Despite that the theory has weight. Smitten/Love+ GHH= HEA. I mean really think about it, for some men they can go years without a serious girlfriend and then all of a sudden their getting married, wanting to have kids after humping everything that walks and looks female. I’ve witnessed it just never had a name to go with it. Gliterry Hoo-Ha. We definitely need shirts witht that on it.

I heard a comedian the other day describe glitter as “the herpes of the craft table because once you use it, be prepared to live with it forever.” As it applies to a GHH… it could be a really bad reference due to the STD reference, but really, it’s about how once you get that glitter on you, it will never, never completely go away, which really works for the GHH/GG HEA.

Julie B asked: “Lani, does the constraint for testing the waters work the same way for the hero with the golden gun? If there is another well armed man, is it only after the heroine has been to the firing range that she selects her weapon of choice?”

To keep the terminology of the theory consistent, I like to refer to the Golden Gun as the Magic HooHoo (in some circles, I believe it’s also known as the Zippity Doo-Da), but to the best of my understanding it’s pretty much the same thing – a boys’ version of the GHH.

Pardon me if I’m not correctly extending your metaphor (no pun intended) (okay, pun a little intended) but I think what you’re asking is – if the heroine has the grand fortune to have at her disposal two men with Magic HooHoos, must she sample both before knowing which one is, uh, magical… er? Actually, I’m not sure if that’s your question at all. I got lost at the firing range. Regardless, my answer is: I’m really not sure.

Here’s the thing about merely swapping the roles that doesn’t translate – the power of the GHH (or the MHH) is directly proportional to how badly the hero (or the heroine) wants it. If I allow myself to ignore my discomfort with broad, sweeping stereotypes, I have to say that the hero’s greatest desire is to get a dip into the GHH, whereas the heroine really wants to get a glimpse into the hero’s soul. So, any one Magic HooHoo can only be so magical; the hero has only truly ensnared the heroine once he’s allowed her access to the most intimate workings of his heart. Which, unfortunately, doesn’t as yet have a term as hilariously infectious as GHH/MHH.

(Side note: I don’t mean “infectious” literally. If that were the case, we’d be discussing the Spotted HooHa, and I’m pretty sure Jenny’s already disgusted at where I’ve taken this, so… maybe let’s just stop here.)

Well, that explains why I still think fondly of the woman who dumped me too many decades ago, despite being happily married for nigh on 14 years. She must’ve had one of those glittery thangs.

“But how does one determine the glitteriness of a HooHa? And how do other men not see the same trail of sparkles so obvious to the Hero?”

In this case, despite being a redhead, she’s been buried in her work for quite a long time. The dust of ancient diggings have dimmed her lights, and her need for sturdy work shirts and denims (loose, of course), makes her quite drab. Which makes her Revelation in bed (and trapping the hero) all the more realistic.

Watching her in her work duds, knowing what’s going on underneath, should be quite enough to keep him happy for a long while. It’s the thrill of knowing a secret that other men can’t grasp. The fools!

In the soap opera world, what makes this work for the villains is that they, too, are ensnared by the magic of the glittery HH, but they can’t have it! She’s the magic cheesecake of love, eternally beyond their grasp. No wonder they’re villains!

Jenny said “So now I’m looking at Sam, who is irresistible to women and who in turn sees no point in resisting them, and at Char in her mud brown sweater and sensible shoes, and I’m thinking her GHH better have Super Glitter (which, come to think of it, it does), and that I’m going to have to write the hell out of this because even with a supernatural GHH in front of him, Sam is not going to find fidelity easy.”

IMHO, the transition from banging everything with two X chromosomes to faithful to one woman shouldn’t be effortless at first. We need to see that he’s giving up something he likes (gratuitous, meaningless strange hooha every night) to get something better (the love and respect and hooha of a woman he really cares about).

Everyone who is faithful to their spouse/partner gives up all other hooha or hoohoo (no matter how glittery the strange one might appear) because the allure of the strange glitter isn’t worth losing what has been created with their partner.

It could be a painful realization for Sam that while the woman throwing herself at him might be a real good time, he doesn’t want her as much as he wants Char. Kinda like being on a diet and craving ice cream – you could convince yourself that you can’t live without a double scoop but you’d feel like crap afterward because you knew that it wasn’t what you really wanted, it was what you thought you wanted because it’s what you’ve always had. Or, you could bite the bullet, have the equally delicious frozen grapes and know that you did the right thing. After a while, you look at the ice cream and see nothing but fat, calories and an upset stomach because you’re lactose intolerant and grab the grapes without even missing the ice cream.

I just thought of something. Char is a Crusie heroine, she’s going to be fabulous and everyone will understand why Sam gives up every other woman in the world for her. Jenny, you have nothing to worry about.

Bill Peschel wrote:
“Well, that explains why I still think fondly of the woman who dumped me too many decades ago, despite being happily married for nigh on 14 years. She must’ve had one of those glittery thangs.”

My sympathies, Bill. It is very powerful, the GHH. At least now you know what it is. Understanding is half the battle. The other half is penicillin.

me (Not me-Lani, but me-me, who is not me) wrote:
“If you do present a paper on this, I want to be at that conference.”

Heh. Me, too. (That’s Lani-me. Not you-me. Yeesh. I’m so confused.)

Bob wrote:
“huh?”

Okay, Bob, let’s start at the beginning. Once upon a time…

Louis wrote:
“LMAO

I don’t know…maybe TMI for a male to concept.

Yep.”

Nope. If your A is L’d O, then I think you get it. Go, you!

ZaZa wrote:
“Lani! Write this up over on the Romance Wiki! Before you know it, you’ll be fielding requests for scholarly papers and journal articles. Serious about the Wiki thing, though.”

Really? They accept this kind of stuff over there? Pardon me whilst I bookmark…

KLC wrote:
“Has anyone considered the potential existence of the HaHa? And, that being established how it might relate to the HooHa, the HooHoo, and the HoHo?”

The HaHa is a tiny thing so potentially harmful to the male ego that we try not to talk about it directly.

KLC amended:
“It dawns on me after I’ve hit send what the obvious answer to that is.”

Glad to see we’re on the same wavelength, KLC. Better news for me than you, though, I’m afraid.

roben wrote:
“Dang! Too late, Lani! Just got back from walking the dog and now I can’t get the glitter off me sneakers. Aargh!”

I did what I could for you, Roben. The rest is between you, your God and your OBGYN.

Jenny wrote:
“I was okay with the Spotted HooHa.
It was when the GHH started holding water that Lani lost me.”

Yeah. I tend to do that.

“Clearly Bryan, Louis, and Bill understand the secret, but Bob appears to still be confused. Probably waiting for pictures and diagrams.”

I’m working on it. He won’t give me his mailing address and home phone number, though. I don’t understand why not. I mean, I’m just trying to educate the guy. Yeesh.

GatorPerson wrote:
“Is it too much to ask, Lani, to do the declensions for HooHa and HooHoo? I already know how to avoid declining HoHo. Spotted? Oh, deary me!”

I’m sorry. I didn’t mistakenly give you the impression that I was remotely academic, did I? My bad. Totally faking it. What I mean to say is… what are declensions? Please use small words.

orangehands wrote:
“here, Lani, i’ll help spread the word. i’m in Female Physiology right now. i’ll make sure all 500 of my classmates understand the GHH.”

Oh, do! I think the guys especially will really appreciate it. I’d run if anyone starts handing out mirrors, though…

“my friend keeps elbowing me. apparently the vagina is no laughing matter. shows what she knows.”

Dude. Totally. As evidenced quite clearly by this post, vaginas are very much a laughing matter.

How come no one talks about the Golden Rod? How every heroine is smited by one swive with the Golden Rod? How she never yearns, not even one minute, for another despite the fact that the Golden Rod might have spent time dipping itself indiscriminately in thousands of honey pots not even 24 hours before finding its divine way to the heroine? The Golden Rod is so powerful, it makes a girl forget her friends, her morals, her backbone, her self respect but she still smiles in the morning.

Actually, I think technically the GHH is the vulva. Although I could be wrong. No, according to the Wiktionary, “Calling the vulva the vagina is rather like calling the mouth the throat.”

DON’T EVEN GO THERE, PEOPLE.

Next year in San Francisco, Rich. The Popular Culture Conference. I’ll hold your coat while you deliver the paper.

In the interests of full disclosure, Lani Diane Rich is also the person I googled ugly dogs with in NYC. Which come to think of it, was also helping with the Fun Book. I should give her co-author credit.

I think the Golden Rod is the same thing as the Glittery Hoo Hoo, although Lani will have to make the call. I think it’s also filed in the same place as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Fiction, folks. We’re talking literary terms here, not human biology.

Of course, I’m pretty sure Google has already marked Argh as a porn site by now, so the protest of literary criticism may be falling on deaf robot ears.

You know, raised as I was, daughter to one preacher and granddaughter to another, I’m giving myself full credit for even being able to say “vagina.” So Wiktionary can just deal. I’m evolving here.

Crusie, I’ll tell you – if the Popular Culture Conference will have me, I’ll deliver that paper. Just as long as no one asks me about declensions, or anything remotely academic. And they don’t expect me to actually know what I’m talking about. Actually, if they’d just let me present at the bar, that would be cool. Think they’ll do that? I do really well when my audience has been drinking, especially if it’s hard liquor.

As for co-author credit, I’m way ahead of you. My people will be calling your people. I mean, they would, if I had people. Actually, you’re my people. So… call yourself and let me know how that goes.

re: Golden Rod. I believe my college roommate took that once when she was trying to pass a urine test. Hmmm…

Anyway, Jane, if you’ll scroll up a bit in the comments, we did address the Golden Rod, aka Golden Gun, aka Zippity Doo-Da, aka (and this is my preference) the Magic HooHoo. To be honest, I haven’t really thought about it much, as is evidenced in abundance by my answers here. I’d welcome any commentary (from all of you, hop in, the water’s glittery) because if the opportunity to present a paper presents itself, you know I’ll have to do it. I mean, presenting an academic paper on Glittery Hoo-Has is every little girl’s dream all twisted up and bent sideways. 🙂 How could I possibly pass that up?

There must be somewhere you could get academic citations for the GHH. Well, there’s TwoP, of course. And you could cite primary sources (that’s romance novels). We could Google “Glittery HooHa” to see if any other work has been done on it before I try to remember what that search engine is for academic studies that I haven’t looked at since 1991.

It’s only a matter of time before the Holman Handbook includes it and there’s a Dewey Decimal for it. And perhaps a Norton Anthology or at least a Critical Edition of Madame Bovary with your paper in the back . . .

I think I can confidently say that up till now there has been no research done on glittery body parts belonging to romance heroes or heroines.

Oh, when I mentioned that the glittery HooHa can cure STDs, I forgot to mention that the glittery HooHoo cures infertility. This is how so many previously infertile romance heroines suddenly produce children in time for the epilogue. And there’s even some research which may back this up:

Handsome men may have better semen, a study suggests.

Researchers in Spain have found that men who are regarded as attractive by women are also more fertile.

Of course, what they should really be measuring is the amount of glitter coming from the HooHoo, but maybe they got a bit confused. Probably dazzled by the glitter.

There’s also some research which explains why romance heroines have to be so beautiful:

Only attractive, feminine women did not vary preference over the menstrual cycle, possibly because they may find it easier to establish a long-term relationship with men with deep voices, indicative of high levels of testosterone.

Dr Feinberg continued: “Women’s preferences for masculine voices change over the menstrual cycle: women prefer masculine voices more when fertile. But, the menstrual cycle does not affect every woman’s preferences equally. While we normally think that masculine men are more out for one- night stands than marriage, our research suggests that highly attractive and feminine women can get these masculine men to look for commitment.” (University of St Andrews)

When they say ‘highly attractive and feminine women’ what they mean is ‘women with very glittery HooHas’, and when they say ‘masculine men’ they mean ‘rake/bad-boy heroes who can only be tamed by the power of a glittery HooHa’.

And really, who better? I mean, if I’m going to be famous for anything, the GHH is exactly what I’d want to be famous for. Do they give out Nobel prizes for that sort of thing? Am I getting ahead of myself?

wendy roberts wrote:
“I want to be in the audience, with popcorn, when you two take this on the road LOL.”

Popcorn’s good, but I’d also recommend a flask.

BCB wrote:
“Well if you’re going to get kinky, I want to listen to that presentation too.”

We’ll save you a seat in the front row.

“FYI, it was decided by the CB’s (most of us, anyway) that Latin declensions were best handled thusly: No, thank you, I’ve had quite enough.”

Sadly, I don’t even know what declensions are. I’m kind of your blue-collar academic. I see “declensions” and I think “de-clench” which has connotations I’d wager were unintended by GatorPerson when she originally brought it up.

And once again, there’s no level to which I will not drag down Argh Ink. Well, it’s Jenny’s own fault. She knew exactly what she was getting into when she included me in her blog. 🙂

You know, I see an entire panel on this alone. The next Pop Culture conference is a year away. Imagine the research that we could do by then. Lani, Laura, me, and Jenny’s psychologist. Bob can moderate. With his head in a paper bag so he has plausible deniability.

I’m almost sorry to bring this back on topic, the asides have me rolling. (I want to attend the Pop Culture conference where the panel discussion takes place, Bob in a bag and all. I don’t have a hip flask, but I do have a thermos. We can set up a mini-bar in the back of the room.)

Does the GHH have less glitter if the woman is aware she has a GHH?

This question applies both before and after the Hero picks up the glitter trail and begins his pursuit in earnest.

Well, I think in today’s culture, the woman is often, if not usually, unaware of the glitteriness (Is that a word?) factor. So, yes.

So, Bridget Jones? She has no clue. Her underpants are too big for her to see it anyway.

Many of Jenny’s characters have no clue too, since they are preoccupied with other pursuits anyway; Lucy is focused on her family and movie problems, Scarlet is focused on the paintings. Min is still stinging from her David experience and her view of the bet. Nina, Nell, and Suze are all probably blind to any glitter they have because of their marriages and breakups.

The only character that I can think of off the bat that is even concerned about her glitter would be Scarlet O’Hara. But I don’t think it works for her, at least in the way she plans. I haven’t read that book since junior high though, and it’s probably been that long since I saw the movie too, so I may be forgetting an important factor. But I think her story might not fit the Glittery HooHa premise anyway. . .

But, she knows of and tries to use the glitter to gain her means, and it just messes her up. Actually, why people think this story is a romance instead of a morality play confuses me now.

Arrogance about the glitteryness of one’s GHH is not an admirable trait in a heroine, and in romance novels it’s a characteristic most likely to be found in the ‘other women’/the hero’s evil mistress. A true heroine is often unaware of her glitter to begin with but it’s there nonetheless, and she becomes increasingly glittery as she realises (a) that she has a GHH and (b) what its effect is on the hero. Note that, as Lani said, while a GHH may make her attractive to many men, it is particularly irresistible to the hero.

The Glitteriness of the HooHa is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

Also, the G is stronger when the woman who owns the HH is truly smitten. The smittener, the more effective her GHH will be in ensnaring its prey.

The moment when the heroine realises how glittery her GHH is is sometimes referred to euphemistically in romances, for example when the heroine finally realises that that ‘gleam’ in the hero’s eyes that she has seen so often and not understood is, in fact, a sign that he finds her irresistible. Note the use of the word ‘gleam’: it’s a coded reference to the glitter of the GHH.

Again, this is confirmed by research, this time from the University of Liverpool:

Women who considered themselves highly attractive were more willing to take a risk with a highly testosterone-charged male, and were less likely to fear such a man straying. (BBC)

What they meant was that the more aware a woman is of the glittery power of her GHH, the more likely she is to take a risk and accept that a rake/bad-boy romance hero is her soul-mate, tamed by the power of her GHH.

This post and all its comments will go down in history as the best post EVER. I must find a way to permanently book mark it. It clarifies everything I ever wondered about. Which just goes to show what I think about every day.

Okay, about Laura, all I have to say is WOW. Just WOW. Amazing stuff. I find it fascinating that what started out as essentially a joke about fictional theory can be supported with citations of real-life research. This is fabulous!

I think we can joke about the glittery HooHa, because the way it works in romance is often so completely over the top and exaggerated. But still, there may well be a scientific basis to some of the phenomena described by romance authors. That said, I’m looking at this from the point of view of a literary scholar/medievalist, and although I’m interested in science, I don’t have a strong scientific background, so my opinions on science should probably be taken with a pinch of salt and glitter.

Actually, I did a lot of psych and soc research back when I was working on my diss (the one I never finished).

One of the theory’s was John Money’s Love Map, which he described as thousands of sensory impressions of pain and pleasure experienced before the age of six, mostly unconscious. The strength of attraction someone felt was based on the number of hits the other person made on that personal subconscious love map.

If you think of a map lighting up every time something the other person evokes one of those thousands of impressions, you get glitter.

I have more, but basically, this damn theory holds up under a lot of scrutiny. I think there’s actually a paper here.

Getting back to the metaphorical, we could also take a look at the role of other glittery/shiny objects in romance. Mistresses (who have moderately glittery HooHas) are often paid off with necklaces. But it’s the heroine who gets the most valuable jewellery. And if you think about the shape and position of the engagement ring, it’s particularly significant.

Seeing as this is Jenny’s blog, think about the shape of a Krispy Creme and where Min puts it in that scene at the end of Bet Me. Then think about the fact that ‘Cal bought Min an engagement ring made of six perfect diamonds set in a circle. It looks nothing like a Krispy Kreme, but Min knows’ (391). Traditionally, the man asks for (and gets) the woman’s hand in marriage. So in this particular context how about if we think of the hand as representing the man, the index finger as representing his HooHoo, and the glittery engagement ring as representing her GHH, which has tamed him and made him want to be married. The engagement ring and its placing thus symbolise the permanent joining of the two in a lasting relationship.

We could also get a tiny bit Biblical about this. Jenny dedicated Bet Me to Monica Pradhan McLean ‘Because her price is above rubies […] And because every book she writes is a diamond’. That’s an allusion to Proverbs 31:10, ‘Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies’. She may be equally glittery.

‘Glitter’ is obviously something that humans like and have valued for a long time. Rubies, diamonds and other precious stones don’t serve much purpose other than to look nice (well, you can use diamonds for industrial purposes, but most people don’t). You don’t have to take the ‘glitter’ literally. It can be a metaphor which describes something attractive, something that people think is valuable, something they’ll invest in. Not everyone would be able to spot an uncut diamond, but some people can, and they can then bring out the shine. Makeovers (particularly for the heroine), and the ‘diamond in the rough’ are not uncommon in romance. Similarly, some people can see the attraction in a particular person, and being loved and made to feel attractive wil then make that person ‘shine’ or ‘glow’ with happiness.

Julie B.Well, I think in today’s culture, the woman is often, if not usually, unaware of the glitteriness (Is that a word?) factor. So, yes.

I’ll accept “glitteriness” as a word. Which would mean, in my version of English, that the study of this topic would make us “glitterata” or “romance glitterata.”

Laura V. Arrogance about the glitteryness of one’s GHH is not an admirable trait in a heroine, and in romance novels it’s a characteristic most likely to be found in the ‘other women’/the hero’s evil mistress. A true heroine is often unaware of her glitter to begin with but it’s there nonetheless, and she becomes increasingly glittery as she realises (a) that she has a GHH and (b) what its effect is on the hero. Note that, as Lani said, while a GHH may make her attractive to many men, it is particularly irresistible to the hero.

So what you’re saying is personal awarness of one’s own glitteriness (or glitter factor) is allowed. However, that self-awareness pre-selects the GHH for anti-heroine status if she doesn’t use the G and the HH solely for the hero’s sake and satisfaction?

I know there are stories of bad-boys-done-good with the help of GHH. Are there any stories of “bad-girls-done-good” involving GHH?

The expression “all that glitters is not gold” comes to mind. That is to say, the hero could initially find himself chasing the sparkle only to find as he matures, and eventually meets the heroine, that a flashier GHH doesn’t always mean its more valuable.

McB beat me to the quote. I’m wondering if the “other” women have fool’s gold glitter, not true gold glitter. Perhaps Scarlett had only fool’s gold glitter. The “other” women desparately want to turn fool’s gold into the real gold glitter, but alchemy just doesn’t work, even in romance novels.

Thank you, Laura, for the declension of singular HooHoo. I think we probably don’t need the plural, since by definition there can never plural HooHae in the hero’s eyes. And definitely not HooHi. That would definitely be another story.

I’m thinking the other woman just has a HooHa, not a Glittery one. It strikes me that men in general don’t need glitter to follow a HooHa around, it’s enough that it’s a HooHa, but it’s the Glitter that makes them stick to one forever, forsaking all others. So to speak.

The GHH reminded me of the “go west, young man” conversation in What the Lady Wants. After Mae, the west was won, California was discovered, there was no more gold in them thar hills, so to speak.

I’m all good with both the Hero and Heroine having a life prior to eachother. Especially grown-ups. And men liking a variety of hooha is not unusual. They can even have great, sweaty experiences with any number(Bob I’m sure would love this line of thinking), but it is the subtle, quiet, click into place, with the Glitter HooHaa that seals the deal. The holy cr@# realization that, “I didn’t even know I was looking for this” in the quiet time after the discovery of the GHH. That is the draw.

Lani said…
“…presenting an academic paper on Glittery Hoo-Has is every little girl’s dream all twisted up and bent sideways.”
Oh, Lord. I think I may have hurt myself laughing over that one. Funny how that happens to little girl dreams and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing either.

Eileen said…
“If she’s been focused on work for 20 years that means a lot of glitter has backed up in the hooha. She’s a viritual glitter explosion waiting to happen. You could see where that would get to a guy.”
Now, see, that’s why I’ve always been fascinated, in an appalled sort of way, by uber geeky guys. One day, they will look up from whatever’s been occupying their complete attention for who knows how many years, and the first GHH they see is going to reap the rewards of all that pent up guy glitter. And it doesn’t really matter what kind of jerk he is. All. That. Glitter. Someone please slap me.

Am I right, the Pop Culture Conference and RWA Nationals are both in SF next year??? I have to, no matter what, have to get to them, both. Lani, you promised in front of who knows how many folks, so, see you there Chica. Pop Culture, Baby!

OK – I’m a CB and a regular reader of all things Jenny and all things Jenny says to read.

Anyway, I’ve been keeping up with the important GHH discussion here at Aargh Inc. I left Aargh, and moved on to my other regular blog stops. Yesterday, Bob posted a snarky “Jenny’s been cheating again” blog where he threatened to take up with Suz Brockmann about military guys. Then, later I was reading a book excerpt by Cindy Gerard – her series is about military guys.

In the Gerard excerpt was a marine’s “Hooyah”. . . which I of course read as HooHa . . . and I lost it totally. Three jumps and I’m back to the Glittery Hooha.

Victoria wrote:
“I’ll accept “glitteriness” as a word. Which would mean, in my version of English, that the study of this topic would make us “glitterata” or “romance glitterata.”

We’re the glitterati.

“So what you’re saying is personal awarness of one’s own glitteriness (or glitter factor) is allowed. However, that self-awareness pre-selects the GHH for anti-heroine status if she doesn’t use the G and the HH solely for the hero’s sake and satisfaction?”

In a fictional story, I think the G in the HH can only be seen by the One True. The glitter is in the eye of the beholder. To the owner of the GHH, her HH wouldn’t be G. Kinda like how breasts hold so much fascination for the men in our lives, and to us they mostly just make it difficult to sleep on our stomachs.

ZaZa wrote
“Am I right, the Pop Culture Conference and RWA Nationals are both in SF next year??? I have to, no matter what, have to get to them, both. Lani, you promised in front of who knows how many folks, so, see you there Chica. Pop Culture, Baby!”

You know, I would really love to, but I don’t think it’s something I’ll be able to do next year. I will be in SF for the RWA conference, though, and might see if I can fit the GHH into some kind of craft workshop, but I can’t do the Pop Culture conference. Not next year, anyway. And I think Laura would do a far better job at something like that, anyway. I’d love to hear her present this theory. It’d be fab!

I’ve known shiny HH, pretty HH, kind HH. I’ve also known crazy and psychotic HH. But the GHH has, as yet, not made itself known to me. I know that the GHH is out there. I’ve had friends who’ve known more HH than I succumb to the one GHH and live HEA. Ah, well, someday my GHH will come. Wait… no, don’t go there.

Aw, Lani. Well, if you can’t work it into Nationals officially, we can do an unofficial get together where you can regale us while we imbibe spirtuous liquids and have a really great time.

I’ve just been doing CafePress stuff for the CBs, and I really, really think you’ve gotta do a Glittery Hooha shop. Just think of all the fun stuff, and we could easily identify each other by our GHH apparel.

If you look at the fable of Skeleton Woman (Women Who Run With the Wolves/Pinkola Estes)it seems to me, the hero has to become involved, on a subcsious level, with the Heroine before he can recognize the GHH. Otherwise it is just HH, which in his book is perfectly fine.

In the fable, the minute he begins to untangle the bones of skeleton woman, to feel some empathy for her situation, to feel the need to “put her back into her rightful shape” then cover her poor bones with a pelt, he has begun to connect at some deep psychological level.

So if our hero recognizes our heroines struggle/strength/intelligence (whatever)he bonds even more. Even if she annoys him, or is not at all his usual type, or is an encumberance, he becomes simultaneously resistant yet drawn to her. He wants to know her.

He may try to deny the gleam in his eye and think it is just desire for HH but the connection becomes real and glittery once they have sex because a bond had already begun to form from some subconscious need. My theory is the HH can only become GHH when there is an emotional connection, and that it’s the hero’s desire and his pursuit of the heroine that makes the HH shine. *wink*

“The sexes were originally three, men, women, and the union of the two; and they were made round–having four hands, four feet, two faces on a round neck, and the rest to correspond. Terrible was their strength and swiftness; and they were essaying to scale heaven and attack the gods. Doubt reigned in the celestial councils; the gods were divided between the desire of quelling the pride of man and the fear of losing the sacrifices. At last Zeus hit upon an expedient. Let us cut them in two, he said; then they will only have half their strength, and we shall have twice as many sacrifices. He spake, and split them as you might split an egg with an hair; and when this was done, he told Apollo to give their faces a twist and re-arrange their persons, taking out the wrinkles and tying the skin in a knot about the navel. The two halves went about looking for one another, and were ready to die of hunger in one another’s arms. Then Zeus invented an adjustment of the sexes, which enabled them to marry and go their way to the business of life. Now the characters of men differ accordingly as they are derived from the original man or the original woman, or the original man-woman. Those who come from the man-woman are lascivious and adulterous; those who come from the woman form female attachments; those who are a section of the male follow the male and embrace him, and in him all their desires centre. The pair are inseparable and live together in pure and manly affection; yet they cannot tell what they want of one another. But if Hephaestus were to come to them with his instruments and propose that they should be melted into one and remain one here and hereafter, they would acknowledge that this was the very expression of their want. For love is the desire of the whole, and the pursuit of the whole is called love.”

Those who come from the man-woman are lascivious and adulterous; those who come from the woman form female attachments; those who are a section of the male follow the male and embrace him, and in him all their desires centre. The pair are inseparable and live together in pure and manly affection

I wonder what the ‘one woman, one man’ romance people would make of that? And it does seem to imply that Glittery HooHas really only work on someone who also has a Glittery HooHa.

Lani wrote
“Kinda like how breasts hold so much fascination for the men in our lives, and to us they mostly just make it difficult to sleep on our stomachs.”
Well, some of us anyway.
I think way back Victoria wondered if the reverse role could happen for men. Could the male have the glitter in the story. I initially thought no, but then later today thought of “Moulin Rouge.” We know the hero has a “fine talent,” but he is the innocent in that story. Does Satine possess a GHH? She is named “The Sparkling Diamond.” (Although I’m forever doomed to say that with a lisp now.) Or, does Christian in fact have a GHooHoo serving essenially the same purpose?
It could be argued that although Satine is aware of her glitteriness before, she is still unaware of her true self. . .
Is anyone else depressed by the Hephaestus story?

An example of a heroine who knows and uses the power of GHH would be Blair Mallory in Linda Howard’s To Die For and Drop Dead Gorgeous. The hero does make Blair doubt the glitteriness of her HH at the beginning of To Die For. Then she makes him pay it for a half and another book worth.

In Drop Dead Gorgeous, the old girlfriend who has sampled the Magic Hoo Hoo tries to eliminate the GHH to get the Magic Hoo Hoo back.

Well, I noticed someone already used “All that glitters is not gold.” (-: I was going to say that that means the GHH can apply to redheads as well as blondes.

I wanted to say that the GHH is a myth with a wide female audience. We swallow the story that there’s one Golden Rod out there that will make all other rods pale and obsolete. So, it’s a short jump for the female reader to think that guys are also looking for the Golden Grail (aka the GHH). My support was going to be Ben Franklin’s quip: “All cats are grey in the dark.” BUT, it looks like guys *do* buy into the One True Hoo-ha thing, too. (Aristophane was a guy, too, wasn’t he?)

OK, so glitter doesn’t shine in the dark. Maybe it needs the light of day (and all the other things besides sex and a body part) to really make it glow, and makes a man or a woman want to forsake all others and cleave unto one.

(-: I love the idea of a glitter explosion. All that love backing up for 20 years, ready to be set off by the right guy.

Could it be possible that the Supernatural Guy is aging, and his hormones allow him to think about other things than Hoo-Has (glittery or otherwise)? I would think that the idea of being able to relax and be Supernatural with a scholar who understands him would be a great relief. (-: And if she’s got GHH, well, that clinches the deal(-:.

It seems to me that a GHH heroine really only has one thing going for her. Fun Heroine seems to have a lot more than just kindness and golden orgasms.

Just rambling here. (-: This post/comments section was such a fun way to spend my morning!

When I saw “Glittery HooHa” I really thought you were going to tell this story:

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and
gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Hehehe..ROFL!! Great post and comments everyone! I’ve got to find some way to save all this for posterity. I would totally read this paper, whoever ends up writing it.

So I was thinking that in addition to saving up all that glitter, Char is a geek. She knows how to research…things. (There have been several discussions on this over at SmartBitches, and so what if she’s a female geek.) Once she decides she wants Sam, I think she will do the research, do..ah..Sam, and with all that glitter backed up by research, Sam will be a gonner.

Okay, I spent a lot of time last night thinking about HooHa. And now I have a question: is it possible that some HooHa, now matter how it’s presented, dressed, and prettied up, will never be glittery? Or is every HooHa glittery to someone?

You forget, I have yet to come in contact with HooHa that glitters. That simply means that I am not so captured by HooHa that I would be unaware when confronted by HooHa of the glittery sort. I think at this stage of my life I would welcome the glitter. Shiny is nice, but it’s not glitter.

I laughed so hard while reading this it created much attention here at work. It was impossible to explain my hysterics, so my credibility as a sane person has now been compromised. However, it may get me out of some work, so it’s probably a good thing.

Bryan – I wish you much glitter in your future.

me – you have plenty of glitter – all the CB’s know that. You just haven’t stumbled across THE ONE who appreciates it yet.

Thank you, Lani, Jenny, and Laura for your extremely valuable insight regarding the GHH – and the laughs, of course.

Lani, if you’re still here…I just finished rereading Ex and the Single Girl. And this is a serious suggestion, why don’t you do something on “The Flyer” and the GHH? What better illustration of the power of the GHH than that?

When I first read Jenny’s post on the GHH, I remembered reading something about that from the male perspective. Sincee I read it in my impressionable youth, when I still remembered books after I finished them, I was able to track it down. It was in a novella by Harry Mulisch, one of the GOMs of Dutch literature. Quite a few of his books have been translated into English, but not this one, so you get the relevant passages in my no doubt poor translation:

“What does someone think about who is almost fifty, a chemical engineer by profession, father of two nearly grown children, but whose wife says that she doesn’t want to? His situation is desperate and grotesque, and he knows it. He could sleep with all kinds of women he meets through his work, but he only wants his wife. Judging from the way his colleagues talk, that is the wrong way round. But his wife only manages to do it if she’s been drinking, and of course that does not count: after all, half the pleasure is knowing that the other person wants it too. If she doesn’t, it’s close to prostitution, – as if he were turning the mother of his children into a whore by sleeping with her.” [from chapter 4]

Description of the first time they slept together, when he was a student and she a schoolgirl, from chapter 15:

“Sitting behind him on his bicycle, an arm round his waist and a cheek against his back, she rode back with him to his room, where they slept together. Unfortunately this bald statement will have to do, for the secret she turned out to possess (a small cramp in the depths of her body, a rare anatomic fact, a coincidence, to which he was addicted for the rest of his life) is indescribable.”

From Oude lucht [Old air] (Amsterdam, 1977).

So there you have it, the prosaic description of the GHH as written by a man. It exists.

Anne Gracie wrote: “Where I come from (Australia) Hoo-Ha is a term meaning a lot of fuss about nothing. In fact I can remember national newspaper headlines saying ‘A lot of hoo-ha says prime minister’s wife””

Some of us over here in the USA say that, too, though I’d more often say “hoop-la”. I hadn’t linked the two words and my mind is now reeling.

Well, I’ve got a real dilemma. In my normal speaking, I refer to the Powers-That-Be of whatever I’m talking or speaking about as hoohas. Usually men. Really. Now I’ve got to consider change some fundamentals in my communication style.

GP, I think you meant Poohbahs. As in Grand Poohbas. Which I think is Gilbert and Sullivan.

So I went to the Wikipedia:
Pooh-bah is a term that originates from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado. In this operetta, the haughty character Pooh-Bah holds numerous exalted offices, including Lord Chief Justice, Master of the Buckhounds, Lord High Auditor, Groom of the Back Stairs, and Lord High Everything Else. The name has come to be used as a mocking title for someone self-important or high-ranking and who exhibits an inflated self-regard.

Anne Gracie wrote: “Where I come from (Australia) Hoo-Ha is a term meaning a lot of fuss about nothing. In fact I can remember national newspaper headlines saying ‘A lot of hoo-ha says prime minister’s wife””

Phyllis wrote: “Some of us over here in the USA say that, too, though I’d more often say “hoop-la”. I hadn’t linked the two words and my mind is now reeling.”

Well, to keep you spinning, in this corner of the Midwest, one might say ‘That’s a lot of Hooey.’ which translates as, “That’s a bunch of baloney,” which we all know looks like a wiener before it’s packaged.

Didn’t Fred Flintstone want to be the Grand Poobah of the Water Buffalo lodge?

About the Author

Jennifer Crusie is the New York Times, USA Today, and Publisher’s Weekly bestselling author of twenty novels, one book of literary criticism, miscellaneous articles, essays, novellas, and short stories, and the editor of three essay anthologies. She lives in a cottage in New Jersey surrounded by deer, bears, foxes, and dachshunds, where she often stares at the ceiling and counts her blessings.