2. I have finely tuned survival skills: Should the cruise breakdown into some sort of epic poo-magedon on the high seas, I have seen basically every Roland Emmerich film and am therefor well-versed in how to survive and live to tell the heroic tale.

3. I am basically a buffet expert. Look, everyone knows cruises have the best buffets. And people think that you can just grab a plate, walk up to a buffet and start slapping stuff on, willy-nilly. That is amateur shit, people. You have to know things, OK? Sound hard? It. Is. That is why you need a professional, OK?

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4. I am also a white Southern lady: I should therefor be able to blend seemlessly in with the many other white Southern and non-Southern ladies who read a lot of Southern Living Magazine who will likely be on this cruise.