Thursday, November 16, 2006

I just dont understand. I really want to just be angry enough that I don't care, but I can't be. I want to just let go and I don't know how. Good for him for following his heart and trying to find happiness. That's something I haven't had the courage to do in 10 years. I don't understand though how he can do it at the expense of his kids. How can he decide consciously that she is more important than his daughters are? If he and I can't be together, ok. That kills me but I'll find a way to work through it. How can he move out of state to be with her though? He says flat out that being with her is more important than being a regular part of his kids lives. He can never be happy here, and his happiness (which translates into his being with her) is more important than being there for his kids. He said that. Literally. Those words. He'd rather have a long distance relationship with his kids than a long distance relationship with someone he dated briefly in highschool. He's continued to lie too. He SWORE to me that he didn't see her this last weekend while he was on his "guys weekend." Oh, except, as it turns out, for when he went to a friends wedding with her that he didn't even tell me about until now, and except for when they were together after the wedding. Oh, yeah.

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When despair for the world grows in meand I wake in the night at the least soundin fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,I go and lie down where the wood drakerests in his beauty on the water,and the great heron feeds.I come into the peace of wild thingswho do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.I come into the presence of still waterAnd I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.