Interview with the Crazy Lizard Chick

I wrote this very, very loosely based off a short story "Life in the Slater Home," which can be seen on deviantart or hopefully here, if approved. I don't have a lot of practice writing scripts though, and I think it would sound better filmed or as a short story. Tell me if anyone does shoot it.

Lydia Slater, only 17, made headlines all across "Small but Proud" Armona, California with the publication "The Conscious Lizards," a borderline paranoid account of practices by the lizards in her house. The 25-page report included summaries of rituals such as pilgrimages to the house, late-night candlelit ceremonies, and theft of household items; photos of damage to the house by these critters; and a comprehensive field journal of various types of evidence. Charmingly described by the <i>Hanford Sentinel</i> as "[expletive deleted] insane," she is here today to discuss the publication. Hannah Craig: So. You're the crazy lizard chick. Lydia Slater: I suppose that is my title now. Craig: That can't come as a surprise, right? I mean, I read that thing. You're talking about lizards coming in and <i>hiding your backpack in a piano. </i> That's not <i>physically possible. </i> Slater: They possess mind powers. Craig: Mind powers? Slater: They are highly evolved lizards. <i>(I took a moment of silence to fully appreciate this little factoid.) </i> Craig: Well. Yes. I think we can all go and read the book on our own time, so why don't we learn a little more about <i>you</i>. When did the telekinetic lizards first come to your attention? Slater: The summer before my investigation, I was tortured by mosquitoes every night. Three, five, ten bites a night. It was unbearable. And so I journeyed to REI and purchased the most effective mosquito net I could find. Craig: What about <i>shutting your door?</i> Do the mosquitoes have mind powers too? Slater: I've detailed no conclusive evidence, but it's certainly a possibility. Craig: Intriguing. But the lizards? Slater: As it would happen, I am not the most construction-minded person on the planet, and I wasn't completely sure of the mechanics of such fickle devices as hammers, so I tried to staple the net into stability. But instead I glued the stapler to my ceiling. Craig: You tried to <i>glue</i> a mosquito net to your <i>ceiling? </i> Slater: No, I attempted to staple the net to my ceiling. Craig: Where did the glue come from? Slater: I think the wall, maybe. Craig: You have glue-secreting walls? Slater: Did you not read that in the report? It's an essential component of the lizards' wall-walking abilities. Craig: <i>Why </i>do you have glue-secreting walls? Slater: Our house is old. Craig: My house is old, too. I have leaded water and an imploded bathroom. I <i>don't</i> have <i>glue-secreting</i> walls. Slater: This isn't the focus of the interview, is it? Craig: The focus of this interview is to mock stupid people. This is perfect. Slater: Oh. Craig: Your story isn't done, is it? You haven't even mentioned lizards. Slater: Well, after gluing the stapler to my ceiling, I decided to utilize the hammer. Unfortunately, this ended in six-inch hole in my wall. <i>(There was a pause as I tried to imagine how one could possibly fail this incredibly.)</i> Craig: You know you're supposed to hammer the <i> nails, </i> not the <i> wall, </i> right? Slater: They don't really make that clear in the instructions. <i>(There was another pause as I tried to imagine how one could possibly be stupid enough to do the things in my imagination.)</i> Slater: Anyway, when we redid the ceiling- Craig: I thought the hole was in your wall? Slater: My family isn't very construction-minded, either. Craig: Your family isn't very good at recognizing where holes are in your house? Slater: Evidentially. craig: That's…not a <i>skill.</i> That's just…being able to <i>see.</i> Slater: I don't know. But when we redid the ceiling, I discovered lizard tracks and little holes up there. And the night after we finished, the stapler was gone. I looked down the hole, and, seeing lizards in there, I started paying attention. I started noticing that there were a lot of dead lizards in my room, especially near my pillow. Craig: You <i>started</i> noticing there were dead lizards in your bed? Slater: Yeah. Craig: You mean they were there before and you<i> didn't </i>notice? Slater: Well, sometimes. But I had failed to notice any patterns. This was when I began recording the number of lizards in my room each day compared to the disappearance of my objects. When graphed, there was a definite correlation. Craig: So…when objects go missing in your house…your first thought is, "The lizards are building civilizations in my walls?" Slater: Graphs are never wrong, Ms. Craig. <i>(It was difficult to maintain the semblance of a legitimate interview at this point, but I tried my best.) </i> Craig: What about those journal entries? What in God's good name could have convinced you that a worthwhile summer activity would be sitting in front of your door recording hours of minute-by-minute observations of tiny reptiles in your backyard? Slater: I don't have a lot of friends. Craig: This sounds like a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario to me. Slater: Well, at first, I only watched them in the afternoon for a few hours at a time, but in July I was awakened early in the morn by a mysterious humming noise. Craig: I'm 99% sure lizards don't hum. Slater: The humming was my air conditioner, actually. But once I was awake, I went to look at my window, and I saw lights in my backyard. I crept outside to investigate, and I saw eight solar-powered flameless candles in a circle, with a lizard next to them. Craig: Were you…<i> missing</i> the candles? Slater: Usually they're in a line. Craig: Well, that's damning evidence if I've ever seen it. Slater: Maybe to you, but in Advanced Placement we're taught more scientific rigor than that. It was then that I determined nothing was as important as a comprehensive report on the behavior of these strange creatures. Craig: Oh. Yes. It was<i> brimming </i>with scientific rigor. Slater: Are you being facetious? Craig: Is that the Advanced Placement word for 'dripping with sarcasm?' Slater: You have terrible interview questions. Craig: Oh, we're just getting started. Why don't we get to talking about that "Lizard Religion" you had going on there, huh? Slater: That was my favorite chapter. Craig: I tried. I swear to the God of Sarcasm, I tried. There was no way that was ever going to make sense. Slater: Really? I didn't think it was excruciatingly complicated. Craig: It was more excruciatingly insane than complicated. Slater: Well, the basic tenant of the religion is the household as a kind of "Holy Land." Judging by the incredibly high number of dead lizards found in my room, I theorized the majority of dying lizards made a kind of "final pilgrimage" to my bed. Lizards that could not make this pilgrimage were seen being carried there by compatriots. <i>(I would like to note repetition does not make these things sound less insane.)</i> Craig: Are you calling yourself a…Lizard God? Slater: I don't believe any such terms adequately describe this religion. Craig: Trust me, I can think of <i>plenty</i> of terms that adequately describe this religion. Slater: I don't like your terms. Craig: I don't like your religion. Slater: It's not <i>my</i> religion. It's the <i>lizard</i> religion. And I don't like it either! You know how many necklaces I've lost to the Worshippings of the Shiny Things? Craig: It can't be more than the number of brain cells I've lost from this interview. Slater: I'm sorry. Craig: One more question. Now, about the hypnotic abilities… Slater: Yes? Craig: The <i>hell?</i> <i>(There was a moment as the interviewee attempted to make sense of this epithet.) </i> Slater: That's…that's not a question. Craig: My mind wouldn't entertain the idea long enough to form a question about it. Slater: Then…why are you bringing it up? Craig: It entertained the idea long enough to make sarcastic comments about it. Slater: Oh. Craig: I think we're done here. Slater: Okay. Craig: You're insane, you know that? Slater: Yes. Craig: And a waste of time? Slater: Probably. Craig: A waste of <i> oxygen. </i> Slater: I know. Craig: Get out. <i> This concludes the long awaited Sarcastic Interview #1. </i>

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