(Closed) Parents and money issues!

I have a serious issue and I have no clue how to handle it! My wedding is turning out not to be the fun and happy time I would like to be having.

My fiance and I don’t have a lot of money for a huge wedding. This is fine with us. My parents are contributing the same amount they contributed to my sister’s wedding to my wedding. The difference is that my sister had a lot more to contribute herself, and her husband’s parents put in the same amount as my parents did.

My fiance’s parents have never had a wedding for any of their children. This is their first and they have all boys. They don’t think they should have to pay for any of the wedding, which is correct. No one has to pay if they don’t want to, I get that, and I’m happy with a small wedding. But I do think times have changed. The traditional “bride’s family pays for all” just doesn’t stand with me. I think that the person or people paying for the wedding get to be the most involved.

Because my parents are giving a fixed amount, this is the budget that my fiance and I are working with. It is a very small budget.

Here is where the bigger problem sets in. Because my parents are paying for it all, my mom still wants a nice wedding so we are having to cut most of my fiance’s parents’ guests. Now I KNOW what some people will say – that isn’t what should happen. But I get where my parents are coming from, and in a way, feel the same way. My fiance has expressed that he is really hurt by his parents and agrees with me about the guests. The cost per guest is much more than just the cost per plate and his parents have made requests of us to get actual numbers or write out a complete budget. I did this for them and then they just discount all my work and say that weddings can’t cost that much.

It’s been really frustrating.

It would be different if his parents didn’t have the money to help, but they do. And I understand if they don’t want to spend their money this way, but then I think they should understand that we can’t invite all their guests.

My fiance and I looked at a very small DIY type venue to save on costs, but they said we’d for sure need bigger for all their guests. I have no clue what to do.

I’m so hurt because I’ve put so much effort into cutting costs for the wedding, but I still want it to be a nice wedding, and it’s my parent’s money so they want the guests they are putting the money in for (which is understandable and fine with both my fiance and myself). How can I express to them that we’d like to have their guests there but the financing depends on who they are able to invite?

I know this is sort of a rambling. I’m trying to be grateful to everyone. I hope I don’t sound horrible. I’m just hurt and this wedding is more of a nightmare than a happy event because I just hate conflict.

Do what you and fiance want. If your not cutting his family members, then his parents don’t have a say in the guest list. If they want to invite friends/co-works, tell them it will cost this much and it is not negotiable.

As long as your FI’s friends and family that HE wants are invited, I think you’re fine. And I’d have him deal with his parents – I don’t think that responsibilty should fall on you. Tell them you have X budget which has been already been allocated for your guests, and if there are additional people they would like to invite they are welcome to do so, but they need to pay X per person. I’d stand your ground.

I think you need to invite the same amount of family from both sides, then your friends and then your parent’s friends. If his parents want to invite friends or extra relatives, they need to put their money where their mouth is.

Every time they say they want “neighbor bob” invited, you say, “I’m sorry, we just can’t afford it.”

Keep in mind that your ILs will be in your life for your whole marriage. I understand you sentiment and I agree that you can cut some of your FI’s parent’s guests, but I think you should make sure that all his important family members are invited and that the two sides are relatively even. A one day wedding is not worth spoiling a long-term relationship with your ILs because you decided to cut them out of the wedding.

If the person is your guest, you pay for it. My parents paid for all their guests (and my friends) and my husbands parents paid for their guests (and his friends). I didn’t feel it is right that my parents should have to pay for his guests just because I am the “bride.” My parents increased their budget so they could have more people come. His parents invited less because that is what they could afford.

or just say screw it and elope. Seriously. I don’t see why people need to go through hell to please others on THEIR wedding day. His parents aren’t paying so your FI needs to lay down the law and tell them they can’t have it both ways.

I think it’s time for your fiance to have a chat with his parents. It’s his place to do, not yours. He needs to explain the situation in detail with them. I agree that it’s not fair for the bride’s parents to foot the bill for the groom’s parent’s invite list.

I think as long as your FI is fine with the decisions then everything is okay. In fact, I am doing something very similar. I am an only child so my parents are paying for a good chunk of my wedding. Like you parents, they gave me a set amount that they could contribute. It is not a tiny amount but not huge either considering the area we live in is outrageous as far as weddings go (They are contributing 8,000.. to put things into prespective I choose one of the cheapest venues in the area and for venue and catering alone I am spending 6,100 of that budget, my grandmother also paid for my dress and alteratoins and officiant fees so those things do not have to come from the remaining 1,900). Now this 6,100 is based upon 130 guests. My fiance and I created 6 different guest lists, “my family” “his faimly” “my friends” “his friends” “my family friends” and “his family friends”. If it was a mututal friend, they were listed under whoever knew them first and co-workers etc were listed under friends as well. Our numbers ended up being 54 “my family” 42 “his family” 22 “my friends” (I only invited the closest.. it wasn’t in our budget to have all) 26 “his friends” 14 “my family friends” 26 “his family friends”. The total number is 184! This did not include our vendors which are included in the 130 since we of course are providing them with a meal (we are including this as pastor/wife, 2 photographers, 2 DJ’s). We were only comfortable inviting 150 so we had to cut 40 peple somehow. Neither of us were cutting our friends.. We already had cut our friends list in half and have hurt some feelings already.. the people left WE want there. My entire familiy lives in the area so we both agreed that we couldn’t really cut any of them.. I grew up being close to my whole extended family and they have done so much for me while he barely knows his aunts and uncles.. That left cutting either of our family friends or his family.

I tried explaining to his mother that we could not invite everyone and there brother to our wedding because with only my FI working right now and both of us full-time graduate students we only have a few thousand of our own money to contribute (which is all going towards gifts, hotels for our wedding party, honeymoon and rings) and my parents do not have the money to give another dime. I basically told her if it was important for her family friends (yes they were mostly HER friends, coworkers etc and people my FI barely knows) then she was going to have to pay for it. She started in about how she is paying the rehearsel dinner and I wanted to scream but ultimately my fiance and I agreed and most of the cuts came from his family friends and his distant family (who probably wouldn’t have come anyways). I honestly am not okay with the whole brides parents paying either. Especially when HIS family is just as able to help as mine.

Regardless of who gave you the money, the money should be yours now. You should be able to do whatever you want with it. The fact that it’s coming with strings attached is the source of all this trouble and conflict, not the fact that your fiancé’s family isn’t contributing.

Have you tried talking to your fiancé’s parents about them contributing? Like the four of you sitting down and discussing the wedding and everyone’s expectations? You say that they can afford to contribute but aren’t; how do you know that? Do you read their finances? Do you know their exact incomes and expenses?

My fiancé’s family isn’t contributing money to our wedding either. My dad gave us one third and my fiancé and I are coming up with the rest. But if I turned to my fiancé’s family and told them we’re not going to invite his family because they won’t give us money…I think they’d flip a shit. It’s their son’s wedding too. His family has just as much right to be there as your family does. It doesn’t matter who’s paying. A wedding isn’t about throwing an expensive party; it’s about the joining of two families.

If you want to have a good relationship with your fiancé’s family in the future, then I think you need to put your parents in their place. I wouldn’t accept money with strings attached. It’s YOUR wedding, not your parent’s. They can’t dictate the guest list. I’d ask for a list from both sides of the family with who they want invited. Then figure out what you can afford and pick an equal number from each side. This is a really bad way to start a marriage: pitting the two families against each other over money.

@Christy42213: I don’t consider the money coming with strings attached. My parents are contributing money in order to get their guests. I agree with this. If we had no money to have a wedding, then we would have no wedding with no guests. So I agree with my parents that they are giving a set amount of money to be able to have their guests. And they have already cut back their guest list dramatically for my smaller wedding.

And, like I stated in my original post I’ve cut costs in many places so I never said that a wedding is about throwing an expensive party. I actually think I said the opposite. I said I would like a nice wedding, not expensive.

I’m also not putting two families against each other.

My fiance’s parents have come to us with many wedding ideas that are far more expensive than anything we have decided we can afford.

This post was in no way me putting two families against each other.

I know they have money because they offered to throw us a $4,000 groom’s dinner. We sat down and talked to them and asked if we can relocate that money to other areas of the wedding and have a small intimate rehearsal dinner. His mom got upset saying that the groom’s dinner is “her” big party though. They originally agreed to help in other areas but then took it back and finally just said they won’t help at all.

They also said they didn’t want to put in money into an overall budget because they were worried about me using their half of the money on a gown and that isn’t their responsibility…yet at the same time they assured my fiance they would help pay for one of his groomsman’s suits because they knew “he can’t afford it.” This was after we had already told them that our attendants would need to pay for their own clothing.

Ultimately, we ended going with fewer attendants (only his brothers and my sisters) to cut out the drama of more people.

I think it’s unfair to assume I’m just putting two families against each other. I’m not being selfish. I’ve been very hurt through this process, feeling as though they do not care about our wedding at all, yet they want to tell us how many to invite or suggest expensive venues.

You want a small wedding.. but your venue isnt big enough?! How many people are you wanting there? I think what you need to do is come up with a number of guests and cap it.. if 40 guests [and then the bridal party] is all you can afford, then stick with it. Don’t invite people that you or your fi don’t personally know – that doesn’t make any sense.