Where's Hale-Bopp when you need it?

Author Unknown

REDMOND, WASHINGTON (May 1, 1997) Acting on a
tip received from an
anonymous caller traced back to Mountain View, California, local
police discovered tens of thousands of bodies early this morning
in dozens of buildings in a remote compound outside Seattle.

Preliminary reports indicate that the slain men and women were
apparently victims of a mass suicide. At press time, no survivors
had been discovered. "Weirdest thing you ever saw," said one of
the first state troopers on the scene. "All of them were slumped
over the keyboards of their computers with some kind of brown gunk
around their lips."

Forensic experts later identified this substance as a custom blend
of coffee investigators say the victims referred to as "Java."

Neighbors living near the compound told reporters that the men and
women, most of them young, bright college graduates, were all
members of a strange, secretive cult that followed the teachings
of a man they called Bilge, or "billg," as his name was spelled in
email files found on victims' computers.

Many other documents referencing the mysterious "Java" substance
were also discovered in cubicles and offices around the compound,
most of which referred to the liquid in extremely disparaging
terms. While the exact chemical makeup of "Java" has not yet been
determined, investigators did suggest that it seemed to be a
benign compound that quite possibly produced euphoric reactions
when ingested in quantity.

The cult was known locally as a haven for social misfits who
preferred to spend hours "surfing" the World Wide Web--the
graphical portion of the Internet--and tending their own elaborate
sites that exhorted visitors to "Excel" or made frequent
references to a "Word," which investigators believe had something
to do with the teachings of Bilge. "Access," "Money" and "the
network" were also mentioned repeatedly, as well as the names of
thousands of corporations, leading investigators to believe the
cult was possibly preparing for an assault on global financial and
industrial powers.

"They all seemed to have this obsession with 'Windows', which we
presume means a window of opportunity, but we're not sure yet,"
said an unnamed computer security expert brought in by Seattle
police to gain entry to the cult's central network. "All their
documents refer to the overwhelming importance of these 'Windows',
and how nothing could be allowed to stand in their way. Blocking
the view, I guess."

Police were also baffled by the clothes a large majority of the
victims were wearing at the time of their deaths. While a few wore
traditional business attire, most were clothed in Nike sneakers,
blue jeans and T-shirts bearing either cult slogans such as "Where
do you want to go today?" or the image of a popular cartoon-strip
character named Dilbert.

"And then there's this thing they had about insects," said one of
the morgue attendants. "They were just looney tunes about killing
all these 'bugs' that they thought were infesting their products."

Police indicated that the primary focus of their investigation
would center on the "Java" substance and its effects on the mental
stability of the cult members.

"On the one hand, they all thought 'Java' was some kind of
blood-sucking, virgin-sacrificing, Marilyn-Manson-is-my-son thing
that had to be eradicated from the earth at all costs," explained
one of the detectives on the scene as he pawed through thousands
of binders full of marketing plans for software the cult planned
to sell over the Internet.

"Funny enough, a lot of the work they were doing seemed to involve
using lots of this 'Java' to make their own products better. Maybe
they just couldn't make up their minds."