Booze, Sports, Gambling — you know, the important things.

Why is [INSERT NAME HERE] so drunk?

So apparently [A PERSON] partook in some day drinking yesterday, which led to [THAT PERSON] getting a text from his buddy’s distraught wife. The wife asked:

“[PERSON], why is [BUDDY] so drunk? Did he drive home like this? He’s sick.”

We’ve all been there. Happens all the time, unfortunately. And I don’t think we have ever determined the right answer, or how to handle this situation. So what is the correct response?

Of course, the first time a question was asked along these lines, Cain responded “I don’t know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” That didn’t go over so well. We can rule that out.

You also can’t answer the question, obviously. Who knows what your buddy has said in his drunken stupor, and you absolutely cannot run the risk of conflicting stories. So yea, the truth is definitely out, as well as ANYTHING you might consider helpful. As Ricky Roma said, “You never open your mouth unless you know what the shot is.” Never more true than in this situation.

Maybe you go with the non-answer answer, something generic that expresses concern, but admits or reveals nothing. Something like “I had no idea.” I use that a lot when I don’t want to deal with something.

If you are a Republican, you can always just bring up Hillary’s emails, which are apparently an effective answer for everything including fraud, racism, sexual assault, ties to the Russian government and not paying taxes.

The best answer, however, is probably Mongo’s line after “the escalator incident” when confronted by IJ’s wife. As Mongo noted, “I was able to make words and IJ was not able to make words, so custom dictated that I say something.”