Chapter Two; Jakobie

I patrolled the hallways of the ICU at Union Hospital. My normal routine. I stopped in the nursery in the ICU to check on Kaytlyn, a four month premature baby. She was hanging on for dear life, not willing to give in. I recently heard the nurses saying that she took a turn for the worse, so I thought a visit would be in order. Walking through the corridors to the nursery, I thought about that girl. How she would enjoy many more years with her grandfather. It made me giddy inside.
I found Kaytlyn in her usual spot; in the incubator, belly down, tubes crisscrossing her naked body. I peeked in, and saw her precious face, spoiled by a tube in her throat. She had her pink little hat on, keeping her fuzzy head warm. I looked around and saw her mother wasn’t there. She usually was. The clock said four thirty PM, so she probably wasn’t off work yet.
I carefully opened the door on the incubator, slipped my hand inside, and gingerly touched the infant’s tiny head. “Hang in there,” I whispered. I heard a door open, so I shut the door quickly. I turned and saw the nurses and Kaytlyn’s mother come in. I simply walked by them, knowing they knew nothing of my presence.
I soon became the unknown protector roaming the halls. As I walked, I looked in each room, seeing if I was needed. It broke my heart to see kids in beds with dozens of monitors and wires and tubes burying them. I saw happy families, sad ones, and occasionally, mad ones. Every time someone yelled that a bed was coming through, I checked to see if I should follow. Most times I didn’t, and only went with the most severe.
I seemed to get attached to people so much that I wanted to be the one to walk them to the Other Side, despite the fact that it would be the first time they had seen me for some people. I always get the ‘that’s-not-the-angel-that-I-was-expecting’ thing. Well, diversity colors the world. Everyone’s different. Why should that only apply to mortals? That’s no fun.

I may sound like a nitpicker, but I noticed the 4 month premature baby bit. Only 20% of fetuses survive when born at 23 weeks which is a week shy of 6 months, or 3 months premature. That doesn't sound like a lot but in terms of fetal development that is crucial. Make sure to brush up on the little facts so that readers don't get pulled out of the story by something that doesn't ring true. Other than that, it does move a bit fast but I like the idea. I think it's pretty good. :)

1. SLOW IT DOWN! (does that make sense) The first chapter went so fast from one person to another I felt a bit rushed. You did 'slow down' on the subject of the young girl, but doing a bit more would be helpful. 'Zoom In' on each person more!

i ve never read twilight so i could not say whether or not you copied it but either way your story is very good could you please check out and comment on my story Manso's Shame i would really appreciate the feedback