This morning I returned to the doctors hoping to finally progress to the next stage of treatment for my knee, it’s been playing up recently and it is steadily becoming more and more troublesome. I can now make an educated assumption that I’ve torn the white area of the meniscus in my white knee and that without treatment it will not heal; this treatment will most likely come in one of two forms, either a meniscetomy or a meniscal repair. Any discussion over whether to pursue this course of action is of course welcome, but it is now my belief that action has to be taken in order to be effective!

Think slow. Act fast.

-Buster Keaton

After my arduous walk to the doctors I strolled back through the park from whence I came with full intention of going back home, like always though, life had other plans. There’s a church about two hundred meters from where I live, it’s a comparatively small building but I was nevertheless drawn inside through some means or another.

I explained my situation to the Vicar, she seemed sympathetic to my plight and to the cause that I sported, improving myself in every way. I offered my services, to see if there was any way I could volunteer and help out around the grounds. It turns out that there was.

Gardening

Against my better judgement I accepted the task of weeding the new rose garden. I worked in the garden from about half past nine until quarter past twelve and completed half of the alloted ground, after that their regular gardener, Andrew showed up and relieved me of service.

I feel as though my volunteering wasn’t entirely for altruistic purposes though. I feel as though I offered my help because I was angry, I still am angry! Angry at the world, at myself and at the fact that there’s always one more fucking hoop to jump through, one more hurdle to get over, one more thing holding me back! Well fuck that!

I am the master of my fate, me, myself, no one else!

In my quest to become a better person I’d forgotten that sometimes there’s no good call to be made, sometimes there’s no decision that you can make that benefits all parties… sometimes you’ve got to put yourself first, and the consequences of your actions for others be damned! It’s selfish, but as of writing this, I don’t care…

I want, I need a win!

“Sometimes doing your best is not good enough. Sometimes you must do what is required.”

-Winston Churchill

Today I took a hit, a huge hit that not only staggered me, but broke me…

For close to a year now I’ve wanted to participate in the Monbukagakusho scholarship at the start of the 2017 school year, I wanted to study Mechatronic engineering in Japan following my access course; but I didn’t know I was lying to myself. It turns out that all foreign students have to take an entrance exam, in which you have to pick two sciences out of the three cardinal subjects, to be tested on.

My course will only teach me one, and maths.

There’s always one more… One more FUCKING hoop to jump through! So now, if I want to have any chance at all of studying in Japan I’m going to have to learn the whole Maths, Physics and Chemistry syllabus in two years. That might not sound like such a problem, well, it wouldn’t be IF I WERE PERMITTED TO DO A-LEVELS! And that’s if I even pass the interview.

What that boils down to is, if I want to stand any chance at all, I’ll have to learn at least one fully syllabus next year, in college, and provided I pass the interview and they send me over there, I’ll have to learn the remaining one and a half syllabus on my own time whilst learning the language. But fuck it!!! Why not!!! Because it’s been such a leisurely stroll thus far, why not add even more shit for me to contend with!!!

I’m so fucking done…

Is it doable? Yes. Will I do it? That depends on whether I’m accepted or not. If I’m not accepted onto the scholarship I’ll be stuck here for another four years until I get my degree and then I’ll have to try again for my post grad or PhD.

In any case this whole ordeal has left a foul taste in my mouth and I don’t fancy dwelling on it much more, such bullshit…

Following yesterday’s encounter with Steph I was supposed to meet up with her today to start the Couch to 5k challenge, ‘supposed’ being the operative word. Following the worsening of my knee’s condition I decided that I should look into it a little more; aside from developing crepitus in my right knee, no doubt a side effect of the torn meniscus, I discovered that I am to keep away from impact exercises.

Avoid them like the plague.

Understandably I couldn’t run alongside her… but that doesn’t mean that I was just going to leave her to jog alone. No, I had a better idea. I was going to bike next to her. I know better than most that running on your own can be an overwhelmingly monotonous and uncomfortable task. You’ve got no one to pace yourself against, no one to talk to and, empirically all you’re doing is running when your body is hurting. Not such a fun time is it?

I don’t think that Steph was too happy when I showed up on my bike, but I think, I hope, that she understood after seeing that I’m wearing a neoprene sleeve on my knee to support it until I get treatment. Looks like i got off scott free!

The warmup started with a five minutes brisk walk, that felt more like ten considering the difficulty of balancing on a bike at such a slow speed before picking up, very slightly; the rest of the session was spent alternating between thirty seconds of running and one minute of walking. It was only the first run on the first week bearing in mind. I would like to think that I could have contended with it without breaking into a sweat…

I would like to, but I don’t think that I could.

The run seemed to last longer than it was supposed to, I’m not sure whether Steph was looking to run further than we had initially discussed or whether she simply lost track of the time; not that it mattered to me on my bike. The bike I use is a big, heavy, mountain bike meant for throwing around dirt paths and off-road trails, it’s not as easy as you might expect to keep it moving along side a runner.

I’m supposed to be going running with her in two days time as well, but if I’m being realistic, I don’t see that happening. I’m more than willing to bike alongside her again and keep her company, so that’s what I’ll probably end up doing- we’ll just have to hope the weather permits.

Chime the bells and lay out your finest suit (and matching converse) because one of my friends is getting hitched! I, like most people, adore a wedding; the handsome groom holding back tears, the bride dressed in ceremonial white and oh so elated with her husband to be- I love everything about weddings. From the hours leading up to the event to the drunken stagger to the taxis after the reception, there’s nothing better!

As such I’d love to take this opportunity to congratulate Steph and Daniel on finally doing what everyone has been telling them to do for what seems like an eternity now! Congrats you two.

Finally!

In fact the only reason this is being brought up is because I had the pleasure today of accidentally walking into Hannah’s house whilst Steph was showing off her dress, I also hade the displeasure of being yelled at because I wasn’t supposed to show up for another thirty minutes or so. I have a habit of not bothering to knock when I go round to Hannah’s, I just sort of roll in whenever I feel like it, but now that I’ve seen the dress it’s really sunk in that ‘this is happening’.

Initially Steph was pretty peeved, an understandable reaction, it should be the brides perogative to wow everyone with her dress on the day, but I’m glad I accidentaly got a sneak peak. After the steam stopped billowing from her ears she looked so happy, twirling around the living room in the most important dress she’ll ever wear- it really lifted my spirits. So, congratulations Steph, you looked beautiful… just don’t expect me to wear a suit, you know in your heart of hearts that’s never going to happen.

I would write more about today, but it was pretty dull, however the main reason for not elaborating on the days events is because this deserves its own post. Something so rare and special as love is something to be cherished, and by way of this blog commemorated. They really are a pair made in heaven, they play off of eachothers strengths and cover each others weaknesses in perfect unison, they’re made for eachother and today, instead of saying ‘thank you for reading’, I’d just like to say, once more.

Congratulations. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

Today adopted a slightly slower cadence than I would have either hoped of expected. At one point I would have blamed the slow pace of the days on my sleeping schedule, now though, I see that sometimes some days are more hectic than others and today simply wasn’t one of those days.

Today was going to be slow by its very nature- it’s Friday. Not only does no one really want to do any work on a Friday (myself included) but sometimes they’re not overly fond of the idea of cutting loose either. I was asked by some friends whether I wanted to come out to a club tonight, but given the amount I’ve drunk recently I decided against it; I wouldn’t even know what to do either, clubbing isn’t really my scene…

That doesn’t mean I don’t want it to be though.

You see, when it comes down to doing things, it’s much easier to do them (at least for me) if you take pride in them, and I’ve not taken pride in myself for quite some time. That’s not a statement that I use lightly, I’m not saying it to induce pity, Gods know I’ve wallowed in that for far too long.

For three years I’ve just swanned over to my wardrobe and tossed on the nearest shirt and pair of jeans, sometimes wearing the same pair for a few days on the trot before just rambling downstairs and starting breakfast. It unhygienic and it’s not conducive to keeping an active mind, something which I direly want.

This is somewhat of a short post because, well… nothing really happened, but even so…

Annoyed that yesterday was pretty much wasted due to my lack of initiative and drive, today I was having none of it! After falling asleep pretty early (for me) at around three AM I got up comparatively early at around Ten O’clock and hopped straight out of bed, surged down the steps and stormed straight into the kitchen. Breakfast time.

Breakfast consisted of two rashers of bacon lovingly topped with salt and pepper before being covered in a fried egg and sandwiched between two heavily buttered slices of whole meal bread. It was delightful, a real treat for the senses. After garnishing the side of the plate with a generous helping of honey BBQ sauce it was just the right combination of salty and sweet- it’s making me drool now just thinking about it.

The weather was on my side today, so after my breakfast I grabbed my Ipad and headed out for a stroll. On the Ipad I still have my, sorely neglected, Japanese app; I decided that since the stroll wasn’t too energetic I could multitask and try to recall some of my studies. I was pleasantly surprised to see that i had forgotten less vocabulary than I had initially postulated, there are, of course, still some holes in my knowledge but nothing that i wont be able to patch up with a few days revision.

The walk lasted for about forty minutes and, unlike my last jaunt, it was forty minutes of non stop walking, no resting or stopping to peer down memory lane, just walking and strengthening my knee. In retrospect I think a long sleeved shirt and denim jeans were probably incorrect attire; just judging by the amount I was sweating at the end of my walk.

I’m really out of shape.

It really highlighted the fact that I need some form of formal help with be overall fitness. In turn the most logical thing for me to do was to look at getting back into going to a gym. After looking through the gyms local to my area I, once again, came to the conclusion that a twenty four hour gym would more than likely be the best option for me, a gym with classes and workout sessions that I can simply sign up to and show up, something that will always keep me moving; something that I can really sink my teeth into.

Some days are full of progress, progress forged within the crucible of my own endeavors and drive; some are not. Unfortunately, it is my duty as the author of this blog to inform you that today was one of those days.

Nothing of note was accomplished.

The day started off poorly, I woke up shockingly late at four O’clock with the intention to do all manner of things, if only to justify getting up so late, so my motives were off from the start. I skipped breakfast, didn’t write the blog in the morning, didn’t go out for my walk and instead simply sat down on Warhammer: Total War… for eight hour- a shameful display.

The truth of the matter is simply that I’m lazy, and on top of that I have little to no self control! When I was supposed to get up at seven this morning, knowing full well that there would be time during the day for a cat nap, if I needed it, I simply rolled over and fell asleep. I’m always looking for the easy way out, it’s one of the worst facets about my personality and whilst it’s annoying for me, it can be the bane of my friends existence.

As it stands, the nature of my sleeping schedule isn’t really an issue. Not yet. When I sleep I sleep for eight to ten hours and when I’m awake I’m usually awake for between fourteen and eighteen hours depending on the day; if you factor this in with the fact that most of my daily routine has no time constraints, it really isn’t a problem, i.e: no one can tell me not to write a blog post or go for a walk at three in the morning, and there are very few obligations that I have to keep but those that I do are usually later in the day when I’d be awake anyway. Like my old counselor said…

Sleep when you’re tired, but be awake when you have to.

It might not compare with the wisdom of Confucius, but the quote stands for itself.

Unfortunately, not a lot happened today; because of my absent mindedness and laziness: my diet, progress and hygiene suffered, I can only try to be better tomorrow.

I woke up late today, some time around two in the afternoon, I don’t know whether I needed the extra rest of whether I was just being lazy… most probably the latter of the two. So after rising from my pit, having slept through half of the day I sat down and wrote yesterdays blog post, I thought it came out pretty well, especially considering not a great deal was accomplished this bank holiday Monday.

After chowing down on breakfast I decided that I would make good on my promise and go out for my thirty minute walk, though in actuality it ended up lasting much longer. You see I was born around this neck of the woods, I grew up, in the early stages of my childhood, about twenty miles away and my Nan lived literally three hundred meters from my house.

Armed with that information I got on a bus and headed on over for a walk down memory lane. The greatest thing about where I lived was that, on a night, I could wander through into my parents bedroom and, from the height that our house was at, I could wave to my Nan in her house before going to bed. It was something we shared. It’s something I sorely miss.

Miss you Nan.

My Nan died six years ago on the twenty seventh of December- two days after Christmas. But I decided that today I’d embark on a bit of a quest; I’ve never been able to pick out my old house window from my Nan’s perspective, so that’s what I did. I walked through fields and hills to get to my Nan’s house and eventually I ended up stood at her back door. I think my heart jumped into my throat because I actually started to tear up a little.

My sentimentality aside, I turned around and began searching through rows and rows of building tops, it must have taken me a good thirty minutes or so to find it, but, finally, I found my house! It was such an emotional moment for me, I found myself raising a hand to wave at no one, and that’s when the waterworks really started. I went from being completely steady to weeping in about ten seconds flat; for the first time in about six years I felt connected with my Nan again. It was fleeting, but powerful.

Eventually I had to return home though, the weather saw to that. I was improperly equipped for driving winds and torrential rain, so I put on a sprint to the nearest bus shelter.

Upon returning home I was pretty emotionally drained, I just wanted to unwind with a few hours on Total War: Warhammer before settling down and trying to come up with a new story idea to write about. Sadly however, the latter part of that statement ended in failure, I’m still out of ideas on what I should write a fan fiction about. The only thing I do know is that I want it to be about Zootopia.

But that really was it for today, it was surprisingly draining.

Thank you for reading.

Today is bank holiday Monday and, once again, I’ve been saved from the ever looming threat of having to start running by both the weather and the fact that I’d promised myself to my friends all day today. Most of my friends work, I’ve always fit in better with people slightly older than myself, so most of them are either former students or are simply members of the working public; today was one of those rare days where we could all meet up without any reservations on who would and wouldn’t turn up- we knew we’d all be in attendance.

Bank holiday Monday is always a riot!

The day started off like it always does on these kinds of days off. At the pub. There’s something satisfying about going somewhere where they know just what your drink is without you even having to say anything; there’s also something satisfying about being able to drink whiskey at ten in the morning too.

I arrived second, Hannah was there first, she’s always prompt and early, sometimes too much so, I sometimes feel bad for her since I know she can be somewhere thirty minutes before anyone else, being late is not a character flaw Han has. By the way she hugged me (and the amount of glasses on the table) she was about three gin and tonics in. That’s what I call a proper liquid breakfast.

Bearing in mind my recent heavy drinking session last Saturday I was planning to take it pretty slow, we’d only be at the pub for the first few hours anyway. The tradition that has stood for the past two years is that we will all meet up for a late boozy-breakfast, before returning to our houses to play games for a few hours before retiring for the evening and letting, those who have them, spend the rest of their day off with their better halves.

James and Steven were the next to arrive, followed shortly after by Jasmine and Kieran. The landlord of the pub, although used to seeing us, didn’t look too impressed when we asked for six full English breakfasts. I think he had half a mind to refuse us, but being the good sport that he is, he didn’t.

Beakfast was delicious!

Breakfast passed quickly and we returned to our respective homes, logged straight onto

Legion Commander of Outword Devoured are my picks.

steam and sunk right into DOTA 2. Considering how awful we all are it shouldn’t be surprising to know that we lost three out of the five matches, but c’est la vie.

By the time that we were all done it was pushing six O’clock and those among our number with significant others were ready to depart for their evening engagements, dinner, movies… sex. It left just me and Han really, we were both content to continue playing DOTA 2, of recent it’s been our personal penchant. By the time we were both finished it was pushing midnight, Han wanted to sleep and I was just about ready to cook dinner. This is how broken my schedule is.

So finally, after eating my weight in pasta, I decided to hit the hay…

…

At 5am!

I don’t usually make a habit of staying over at friends houses, especially not when I’ve had a drink, but yesterday was the exception to the rule. If you read yesterdays post you’ll know that I attended a friend’s twentieth birthday and, as is customary for such significant birthdays like that, the party got more than a little out of hand. God knows after polishing off most of a bottle of Jameson (My whiskey of choice at the moment) trying to walk home would have been a horrendous idea.

When I did eventually wake up though it was late in the day, without a clock in the room my mind is a little sketchy, but from what I remember, when I finally got home, after a short trek on an uneasy stomach, it was about half three in the afternoon. Most of the day was done but I still had a few things that I wanted to do before tomorrow.

I started off by actually cooking something; if I was going to do anything today I’d need some food in me, I don’t suffer from hangovers but what I do suffer from is post-alcohol ravenous hunger. I started with two eggs, two sausages, three rashers of bacon, some fried tomatoes and mushrooms and finally two pieces of toast- all of which was demolished within fifteen minutes.

After eating my own body weight in animal products I had a few things that I needed to tend to, since tomorrow was bank holiday Monday. This started with a trip online to the digital world of Second Life; I had to sort out some admin matters with the group: reassigning roles and titles, filling out the story of the role play setting a little more and, of course, socialise with a few of my friends. This took a lot longer than I would have expected it to since I got talking with a somewhat estranged companion of mine, but all in all I enjoyed the experience.

The second thing I did today was to read up about the Couch to 5k. Initially I wanted to start running tomorrow, but after digesting all of the information they provided, they advise against running if there is any pain in your knee. They say to wait at least a week ,having done stretches and rested it up, before contacting your GP and, being that my pain hasn’t improved in over a month now it might be time for another check up. I don’t know whether doctors surgeries are even open on bank holidays, but I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow when I ring them.

This isn’t to say that I’ll be doing no exercise at all though; starting this Tuesday I’ll be going out for thirty minute walks a daily and will be resuming stretching my knee according to the schedule they sent me. I probably shouldn’t have stopped. With regards to my upper body however, I’m thinking that I should resume lifting weights but, judging by the results of last time (i.e: damaging my knee on a squat) I think I should find some gyms online and look to getting a program from them.

Mentally, there are a few things that I’d like to do, just to keep me sharp. This begins with reading again, picking up my reading schedule. Since I traditionally only read non fiction it would make sense to try to read a modicum of fiction and non fiction a day. I propose that I attempt to read ten to twenty pages of non fiction a day and, to supplement this, attempt to read at least one piece of fan-fiction a day, critique it and offer helpful comments to the author. Just to get me started again.

Along side this I would ‘quite like’ to return to writing, I’m famously poor at keeping to a schedule, so assigning myself a task like: publish a chapter a week, would be a terrible idea. As such I believe that a more achievable goal would be to write at least three hundred words a day; more is welcome, less is unacceptable. At least that way I’ll be doing something productive.

Speaking of productivity, I need to start producing money. There’s no easy way to say this, I’m not the best employee, my work ethic is terrible and when it comes to dealing with people I’m cynical beyond all belief, as such, getting hired is often a problem. So, with regards to getting some money in my pocket, I think that I need to look at getting a job again, just to tide me over until September. So, late morning aside…