I saw a man fishing bottles out of a garbage can yesterday and it reminded me of a funny story.

I don’t like hockey. They should get rid of the pucks and put those shoe blades on their sticks – then you’d have a game on your hands.

To be a good pick pocket, you’ve got to look like a regular Joe. Don’t dress up in fancy colors or jewelry. That’s where the Gypsies have it wrong. Pair of slacks, t-shirt, hat – that’s all you need. And it helps to have tiny hands, too.

I’ve had enough of this LBJ character.

If I had to pick between a chimp and a spider, I’d take the chimp. Harder to forget where you left it.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 26-22-30.

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"The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood."

Publisher MumboJumbo has entered into a multiyear relationship with the Universal Pictures Digital Platforms Group to develop mass-market games based on the NBC series "The Office."

Developed and published exclusively by MumboJumbo, "The Office" game will debut in the fall as a PC game sold at retail and available as an online digital download. Next year, the plan is to create additional games based on "The Office" license beginning with portable experiences for the Nintendo DS and PlayStation Portable.

MumboJumbo CEO Mark Cottam said the company is exploring additional avenues for games based on the Emmy-winning series, including digital distribution via Microsoft's Xbox Live Arcade and Sony's PlayStation Network Platform.

"We looked at the broad demographic that 'The Office' attracts and see this as a TV property that's growing in popularity," Cottam said. "We believe this is a property we can build a franchise around with multiple games across multiple devices for many years to come."

Mike Suarez, vp product development at MumboJumbo, said the first "Office" game would be classified as a task-management game like "Diner Dash." Players will assume the role of Jim Halpert (John Krasinski in the show) and interact with such other characters as Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer) and Michael Scott (Steve Carell).

Suarez said the game introduces a rival notion that hasn't been seen in the genre, which pits Jim against characters like Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) and brings tension to the gameplay.

Overall, the game will retain the humor and jokes that fans of the show love. The fact that all characters will appear as bobble heads is a reference to Dwight's bobble head on his desk.

"We're having ongoing discussions with NBC about this game, and they really understand the video game space," Suarez said. "Players will be able to click on characters and hear audio clips from the past seasons of the show. We'd also like to incorporate video clips at some point, perhaps with the portable games."

Cottam said that moving forward, discussions between the gamemakers and NBC writers likely will result in new content for future games. He said this relationship could work both ways, with original ideas for the games potentially being used in future TV episodes.

"There's so much audio and visual content from the first few seasons that we have more then enough content for this game, but the door is definitely open for original content should we need it," Suarez said.

The first PC game will focus on past story lines and situations.

Mobile game publisher Indiagames released "NBC's The Office Games" for cell phones in July06. That game was a collection of mini-games like desktop mini-golf that had the NBC license added late in development. The game offered little in the form of collaboration with show creators or inclusion of cast members into play.

Here’s the thing about handcuffs: there’s only one key for all of them. It’s not like the Tampa cops have their own special key and the Saskatchewan Mounties have a different one. They’re all the same. So the one true goal in any criminal’s life is to get a copy of the handcuff key. I’ve got thirty. If you want to buy one, you know where to find me.

About thirty years ago, I fell in love with a blond woman. She wore vests and skirts and had flowers in her hair. I think her name was Nancy. If you’re out there, Nancy, I’m not mad at you anymore. You can keep the hundred bucks you stole. I just want you back. And my birth certificate.

In my younger days, I spent a lot of time sleeping in a lot of places. Some of those places were bus stations. Everyone knows that hotels are for suckers, so why pay for lodging when you can get it for free? The problem is, there are a lot of crazies out there, so if you’re going to sleep in the bus station you’ve got to be savvy about it.

First of all, make friends with the night watchman. That’s the guy that can have the fuzz come and take you away. Find out what kind of candy he likes and bring him some. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stayed in a station worry-free because of a few Bit O’Honeys.

Pick up an old bus ticket. That way, if somebody gives you trouble, you just say you’re waiting for a bus and show them the ticket. No one ever really bothers to look, so you should be golden. If they do look, run like hell.

Some idiot security guard comes by and asks why you’re sleeping on the benches? You’re from the bench company and you’re testing comfort levels. Be creative. Whatever you do, don’t say you’re the bus driver. I made that mistake once in the 60’s and I ended up driving a busload of people to Jacksonville.

It was a weeklong trip and it was hot as hell. By the third day, some of the passengers started cooking bacon on the floor. I couldn’t complain, though, because I was driving the best smelling bus on the East Coast.

There was a young man sitting in the back of the bus who claimed to be a magician. Said his name was “The Great Alamundo.” He went up and down the aisles doing card tricks for people to pass the time. His deck of cards only had diamonds and clubs, though. He told me he sold the spades and hearts a while back for a few packs of cigarettes. Now that’s a smart magician. When we stopped in Macon, GA, I bought a new deck of cards for the guy, but he wouldn’t accept it. Didn’t want to be a charity case, I guess. His loss.

Once the card tricks lost their fun, the passengers started to get rowdy. I knew I had to keep them occupied or they were going to revolt. Long story short, I got everyone singing Johnny Mathis songs and the mood changed in a hurry. By the time we got to Jacksonville, I could hardly pry those people out of their seats. I ended up selling the bus for $400 and living in Florida for eight months. All in all, it was a pretty good trip.

So I’ve been thinking about running for Governor. There’re a lot of things wrong with Pennsylvania and since nobody’s answering my letters over at the Governor’s Office in Philadelphia, I think it’s time to take matters into my own hands. I know what you’re thinking and yes, they are wrinkled, but they’re still strong.

Number One on my list of changes: Pennsylvania should change its name to Transylvania. Lots of idiots buy all kinds of vampire rings and vampire necklaces and garlic-flavored vampire gum. There’s a lot of dough to be made from these suckers and I’m tired of seeing it go to foreigners. If we change the name of the state, we can probably do away with property tax considering the amount of souvenirs we’re going to sell. Also, vampire fans are notoriously good tippers.

Number Two: Cops’ uniforms should be neon yellow. The get-ups they wear now make it too hard to see them coming at night and I’m tired of those jerks sneaking up on me. If I’m elected Governor, I want to make sure that people know where cops are at all times.

Number Three: Soup kitchens have to offer more variety. From what I’ve heard, they serve the same soup two, three times a week. People really get sick of mushroom barley all the time, you know?

Number Three and a Half: Mushroom Barley soup will be illegal across the state. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s going to miss it.

Number Four: Increase funding to all public schools.

Number Five: I will institute a database with pictures of every resident in the state naked. Every five years, a citizen can request to view any one person’s naked picture for a viewing period of ten minutes. After they’ve used up their viewing, they have to wait another five years until they can view another. It’s just not fair for all these foxy ladies to be walking around without anyone being able to see them naked. This is going to be the cornerstone of my campaign.

I’ve got a lot more ideas for making this state the best in the country and if you vote for me, I promise to listen to everything you have to say. Now, I know I haven’t voted for the past fifty years, but I think that’s going to give me a real leg up on the competition because they can’t attack me for my voting record. Stick with me and we’ll make some real changes to this stupid square state.

Vote Creed for Governor: “The Guy Who’s Going to Make You Rich Off of People Who Believe in Vampires!”

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"The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood."

I noticed these when we stopped there on Sunday. I was tempted to get a bunch of it, but the wife didn't want to go too nuts. We got some pens and the magnetic notepad. Kind of neat stuff though, especially for $1.