Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin just got their first Peoplemagazine divorce cover story, which means their separation is officially official now. While the story did contain some interesting revelations about their "on and off" marriage — they occasionally had an "open" relationship — it also contained many hilarious observations attributed to anonymous "friends" of the couple. "Friends" here probably meaning "people who saw them in a grocery store one time and Gwyneth wasn't wearing makeup." Herewith, a list of the most ridiculous quotes from the article:

1. They brought "plenty of food and a lot of wine" with them on their divorce vacation. What's weird about this is that they rented an estate for $10,500 per week and food wasn't included. If I ever spend that much money on a hotel, it better come with its own vineyard that produces wine for me only and a private In-N-Out burger stand.

2. "They really tried to make the marriage work. But sometimes it's best not to be married." It's true! Just ask Charlie Sheen.

3. "I would describe her as a sort of pampered bohemian." Pampered bohemian = the kind of person who advocates buying $45 sunscreen.

4. "Women go crazy for Chris." Sure, Chris is an attractive man. But is any woman out there really falling all over herself to make out with him backstage? He's more of a "I'd like to talk about books with him" kind of guy.

5. "Gwyneth is also someone who likes attention. There is a narcissism there." Presented without comment.

6. Gwyneth "is in awe of Jay and B's relationship because they genuinely love doing things together." OK, this one kind of does make me feel bad for Gwyneth. Imagine your marriage is falling apart, but your BFF is Beyoncé, who just dropped an album that's pretty much entirely about all of the insane sex she and her husband have all over their Warhols. You're like, "Hey, Bey, can we talk?" and she's just like, "Look at what me and Jay did last night." And then she does this:

strong>7. "Chris parties the least of everyone in Coldplay." But how high is the Coldplay partying bar, really? The guy who parties the most probably thinks a "wild night" is drinking a bottle of white wine and playing chess with Breaking Bad on in the background.

8. "It was a struggle for Chris to have this movie-star lifestyle. He hated the paparazzi attention." Paparazzi are annoying, yes. But this is a man whose literal job is getting up and singing in front of 20,000 people every night. This makes it sound like Chris is secretly a middle manager who never leaves his house on the weekends because he's too afraid of the Saturday mall traffic.

9. "You get the sense her crowd is a very jet-set, money crowd." You don't say.