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InfiniteNull

InfiniteNull

A while back I learned about "stone" as it relates to asexuality, although it's actually a somewhat older term in the lesbian world. For those who don't know, it's sort of a mix of things mostly focused around being willing to please your partner but your own boundaries meaning that you don't really want reciprocation. It's more complicated than that but that's sort of how I think of it.

I've recently found myself connecting to a world where sex is something the people around me are interested in, and when I think about it... I'd probably be willing to participate as long as my boundaries were accepted and it was really about "getting them off" or whatever they say (ugh the terms in the sexual world are so silly)... Like I think it could be a lot of fun to trigger pleasure in another person. In fact... I've had 3 sexual experiences in my life... all 3 included me pleasuring someone else but refusing to let them pleasure me because I was uncomfortable with the idea.

I am also going through some pretty serious life stuff like gender transition which leads to less dysphoria which means a little more openness so that could be part of it. It would be interesting if all this time I was gray and didn't realize it. It's not that I feel like I've missed any opportunities or anything but still it's been strange.

Has anyone else heard of this term? Does anyone else identify with the term?

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Grimalkin

Grimalkin

I've never heard of it before, but I certainly don't mind getting a partner off from time to time. In my last relationship I did just that, especially towards the end when I was starting to dread the sexual encounters that involved my body in some way. I don't like having things happen to me, but I don't mind making things happen.

Nowhere Girl

Nowhere Girl

I could do little to a partner sexually (touching and kissing breasts - perhaps, oral sex - no way, too scary), but I feel like I can relate to that. Because the idea of receiving feels much more frightening to me. It's like most of my sex aversion results from nudity aversion (however, there are also other factors: aversion to body fluids, the feeling of intense anxiety over the idea of having someone do something to my body, and just the general feeling: that sex is not for me). Note that I didn't say "repulsion", because for both - sex and nudity - I'm only repulsed by the idea of personally participating and generally indifferent as long as I'm not involved. Seeing someone naked up close would certainly be embarassing to some degree, but not disgusting - however, I'm really scared of the idea of being naked in someone else's presence. I just couldn't do it, couldn't agree to that.

I'm not trans, but it's true that I'm physically unattractive by almost every measure possible. Still, it normally doesn't influence my self-esteem. I have come to the point where I don't feel that I need to be good-looking (apart from being hygienic and esthetic) and even actively wouldn't want to be beautiful. My unattractive appearance only influences the sexual sphere, but should I really feel ashamed for it and obligated to change it*, if I accept being effectively asexual, accept my sex aversion and wouldn't like them to change?

*With the reservation that changing these would be very difficult. For example my allergy: perhaps it could be controlled - but only at the price of adopting such a strict diet and lifestyle (cleaning the whole apartment every two or three days, for example), that my quality of life would drop to almost nothing.

And still I'm aware that being a physically unattractive asexual is socially unacceptable, that it's the kind of intersectional identity which is extremely likely to elicit comments such as "you couldn't get laid anyway", that society and culture expects us to "get over our hang-ups". So, taking into consideration the above reservation, it feels for me like the social expectation for me and other asexuals who are unattractive due to a chronic illness is as follows: embrace improved health and a hugely reduced quality of life as "payment" for the psychological ability to desire sex - which is something I don't want anyway. Is it really so strange that I find the idea of such a "deal" inherently wrong, that I feel that such an expectation would be ridiculous if it wasn't so sad for people caught into these intersecting expectations and realities?

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InfiniteNull

InfiniteNull

@Nowhere Girl I relate a bunch to the stuff you said... I do worry sometimes about the intersection of being ace and being physically unattractive... I'd rather that like being Ace be my get out of jail free card so that people could forgive me for being ugly lol... but that doesn't help with my confidence.

I mean... if there is no threat that I am going to flirt with someone, then why should that someone care if I am good looking or not right? lol...

I am sort of talking with a couple of boys who have said that I am "cute" and these are the people that I've had to consider... "what if they want sexual interactions with me" at which point I realized... I'd be willing to pleasure them as a way to create more intimacy I think... as long as they were OK with me not having to receive sexual pleasure...