President George W Bush's plummeting popularity
soared this morning after his appearance on the new US reality TV show:
'I Married a Stranger' mesmerised the studio audience who chanted
'More Bush, more Bush' to the rapturous applause of the eighty-seven million
viewers who tuned in to watch it

Mr Bush, who has recently come under
heavy fire for neglecting the First Lady in favour of a lovesick peace
protestor who has been camped outside his Crawford, Texas ranch for
the past six weeks, is alleged to have told reporters he was 'happier
than a hog in shit' at the prospect of slipping the Presidential pork
to one of the three lovely contestants on the new hit show. Utterpants
has spared no expense and left no casting couch unsoiled to bring our
readers the full transcript of the show which has captured the imagination
of America.

ANNOUNCER: "Stay tuned for the new reality TV
hit, 'I Married a Stranger.' On tonight's show we find out
if George W Bush will pick one of these three women as his mate: college
student Iwan Moore, hair stylist Gimme Alluvit, or social worker Luv
Ummall."

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

ANNOUNCER: "First let's find out a little bit
about our celebrity marriage candidate. George, what brings you to
'I Married a Stranger?"

BUSH: "Well, Claude, my
popularity has been slipping a bit recently and I think I really need
to get centrified. Now that I have the War on Terror pretty well licked
and we've libertorialized those danged Islamaist insurgentories, I'm
developing a whole bunch of new interests—the environment, weapons
disarmament, maltreatment of minorities and cheaper gas."

(Audience laughs)

BUSH: "Okay, I'm just joking
around. But you know, so much bad has been said about me lately. I hope
I can convince your audience that I'm just a regular guy who wants to
get laid."

ANNOUNCER: "No!"

(Audience applauds)

BUSH: "Yes, Claude. I'm
the kind of guy who believes that each of us needs to give back a little
of what we have taken. It's the least America can do for me."

(More audience applause)

BUSH: "So I think it's only
just that I should get the ideal wife with whom I can truly share the
burdens and opportunitories of the Presidency. Of course, I’ll
be keeping Laura and Condi and the dogs. This would be like a recess
appointment wife."

(More audience applause)

ANNOUNCER: "Thank you, Mr President for those
uplifting words. You're an inspiration to us all. Now, if you'll sit
over there next to those two body-doubles we'll talk to our first contestant.
Vanna, bring in Iwan Moore."

ANNOUNCER: "Honey, to start with I want to be
sure I get your name right. How do you pronounce your name?"

IWAN(giggling): "It's Moore, Claude."

ANNOUNCER(laughing): "No, sweetheart,
the first name."

IWAN(rubbing her crotch suggestively against
Claude's hip, who rests his hand proprietarily on her pert backside):
"It's EYE-WHAN, Claude."

ANNOUNCER: "Okay, sweetheart, it says on my card
that you're a college student. What are you studying?"

IWAN: "I'm studying the fabrication and stress
analysis of carbon fibre parts for the new F-22 stealth fighter, Claude.
That's why I figure I'm a natural for Georgie. We have so many interests
in common."

ANNOUNCER(gesturing for more applause from the
audience): "That's just wonderful, honey. And where do you
go to college?

IWAN(mumbling inaudibly): "Lifespear,
Claude..."

ANNOUNCER: I didn't catch that, sweetheart. What was
that name again?

IWAN(embarrassed): Um..the Life Experience
University in Kansas. I'm taking a six-week correspondence course on
the Internet. I'll be getting my doctorate just as soon as I've saved
up the two thousand dollars for the certificate from my phone se—er,
call centre job."

ANNOUNCER(Slipping his hand between her legs
which startles her): "That's just wonderful, honey. Now you
stand over there in that tub of olive oil and we'll bring in the next
contestant. Vanna, bring in Gimme Alluvit."

(Audience applause as GIMME enters. She tosses a mane of dyed,
blond hair over her shoulder and one of the straps on her sheer, black
dress comes loose, exposing
her left breast. She puts her hands up to her face in embarrassment,
without making any effort to cover her naked breast.)

(The
ANNOUNCER applauds and winks at the audience, which become almost uncontrollable,
yelling, applauding and jumping up and down. An orgy breaks out in the
third row and six burly ushers in matching blazers quickly subdue the
offending parties by spraying them with small cans of something that
causes them to slump to the floor. For a few moments, sexual excitement
rises to fever pitch, until the ANNOUNCER spreads his hands and gestures
for the audience to sit, which they do quickly. Unfortunately not quickly
enough for two young
girls in the front row who barely have time to zip up their boyfriend's
pants and wipe the cream off their faces before GIMME tugs her garment
back into place and secures it effortlessly by retying the strap. The
ANNOUNCER pulls her up against him and plunges his hand into the back
of her panties. She squeals delightedly and following his lead, reaches
across and grabs his crotch.)

ANNOUNCER (Coughing self-consciously and moving away):
"It says on my—uh—card that you're a hair
stylist, Gimme. Do you do your own?

GIMME: "Oh, Claude. You're so silly."

(ANNOUNCER jumps as she grinds her crotch against him and slips
her hand into his pants )

GIMME: "I specialize in styling men's hair. I'm
really good at making men look commanding, which is why I think I'd
be perfect for Mr. Bush. I really, really like his hair. It's so.. like,
y'know THERE!"

(GIMME reluctantly withdraws her hand, lifts up her dress to flash
her panties and winks at one of the BUSH body-doubles, who gives her
a thumbs-up sign. The audience shriek with delight.)

ANNOUNCER: "Okay, sweetheart. If you'll just
wait over there in that tub of mud, we'll get to our third and final
contestant. Vanna, bring in Luv Ummall."

LUV: "Yes, Claude. I'm a crisis intervention
expert. I watch for situations where people are in crisis and I intervene
and help them get the healing started. And, Claude, please move your
hand."

ANNOUNCER: "So give us an idea of what kind of
crisis situations you look for."

(LUV squeals as Claude squeezes her buttocks. She stomps on his
foot. He yelps and hobbles a few steps away from her.)

LUV: "Thank you, Claude. I intervene in virtually
any kind of crisis, which is why I think I'm a perfect match for George.
I do terrorism,
car wrecks, flight delays, rebates that never arrive, too many items
in the one-to-ten line. And lately I've been getting into pre-crisis
intervention, which is where we can tell that a crisis is about to happen,
so we intercede without waiting, bringing in the full scope of our professional
experience. I think George knows what I’m talking about. As we
say in my business, let the healing begin!"

(Audience applauds)

ANNOUNCER: "Thank you, dear. Now if you'll join
our other two contestants by standing in that tub of ice water, we'll
give your future husband a chance to ask questions. And contestants,
you know our rules. You must identify the real George
W Bush—if you fail, you will be sent back to level two, that's
the log-rolling competition with Stan Dalone, our fifty-two-year-old,
three hundred pound truck driver who's off on temporary disability from
his job and wants to find a woman to share a case of Bud Lite.

Okay, husband candidate number one, do you have a question for one
of these lovely contestants?"

GIMME: "No, sir, I have not. I don't know what
you might have been told but they never did find my first husband's
penis—and no charges were ever filed against me. But sir, I'd
just like to say that I am not opposed to killing when it is appropriate
and for the good of others."

(The audience applauds. GIMME’s top drops again, exposing
her right breast. She throws up her arms and laughs heartily before
slowly covering herself. The audience howls with delight until the ANNOUNCER
quiets them with a simple hand gesture.)

ANNOUNCER: "Okay. Husband candidate number two,
do you have a question?"

IWAN (Flicking back her blond braids and flashing
the audience a confident look): "Well, Georgie, if you are
Georgie I mean, I know that being with you would be my first REAL
experience with a man."

(BUSH
grins at the audience, which goes wild as IWAN hitches her skirt up
to expose a tantalising glimpse of a sheer, black
thong before running her hands slowly up her thighs).

ANNOUNCER: "Wow!"

IWAN(giggling): "And I'd like to add
that I've got one of your big campaign photos on the inside of my bathroom
door, where I can stare back at those squinty little eyes while I'm
sitting on the edge of the bath with my legs wide apart and my electric
toothbrush in my hand."

(The audience goes wild with rapturous delight as IWAN pulls her
skirt right up and starts to slide her
thong slowly down her tanned thighs.)

ANNOUNCER: "And now for our final husband candidate.
A question?"

BODY-DOUBLE #2: "Yes. Contestant
Luv, have you ever administered a spanking to a grown man?"

(LUV bushes deeply, looks away incredulously and shakes her head.)

LUV: "Well, I must say I'm surprised at that
question. I thought you might be a little tougher, Mr. Bush. Maybe we
ought to just skip right ahead to leather thongs, spiked dog collars
and knee-high boots. I'll just say I can offer whatever you might need
in the domination department, baby. Let the healing begin!"

(She raises a clenched fist. The audience erupts into chanting
her name: Luv, Luv, Luv! She crosses her arms tightly across her chest
and nods affirmatively.)

ANNOUNCER: "Okay, contestants, that's all the
time we have this week. Viewers, join us right here next week when we
leave our ladies in Tijuana with no identification or money, and challenge
each of them to get back into the United States while carrying a pound
of cocaine. See you then!"

(The three women, still standing in their tubs, wave goodbye. The
two BUSH body-doubles wave until BUSH glares at each of them. They put
their hands down. BUSH then waves and smiles. The ANNOUNCER throws kisses
to the camera and massages his foot. A fight erupts in the front row
of the audience. The ushers, who are passing a joint at the back of
the auditorium, point and laugh at three girls who have stripped to
their undies and are competing with one another to see who can give
the best blow job, but make no effort to intervene. One of them moons
to the camera and then collapses when his spray-can accidentally discharges
in the face of one of the girls. The other ushers laugh and cough and
pound each other on the back. Fade to black.)