The Pursuit of Selflessness

“If your love is only a will to possess, it’s not love.” ―Thích Nhất Hạnh

Selflessness is an important key to marriage, friendships, and relationships. It is also an essential key to happiness and fulfillment. But unfortunately, often overlooked.

Selflessness is often overlooked as a key to happiness because, on the surface, it appears to run contrary to the very notion. I mean, isn’t the pursuit of happiness by its very nature selfish?

No, it is not. Or at least, it doesn’t need to be.

Our lives can be lived for any number of purposes. They can be used to advance a personal kingdom for selfish reasons (money, possessions, fame, prestige, reputation). But our lives can also be lived for the pursuit of justice, happiness, or growth for another person or people group. We can live to solve the problems we encounter in this world. We can dedicate ourselves to advancing certain ideals. But only when we embrace service and selflessness will we find lasting significance in our world.

Many will try to define success in terms of winning out over others, having power over others, or the ability to dominate others. The lust for power is common and widespread in humans—the power to order others around, the power to make decisions that will impact others, and the power to own when others cannot.

But this type of happiness and influence is short-lived. It will always fade. Nobody is intimately drawn to selfishness. Nobody seeks the wise counsel of a selfish person. Nobody is willing to give themselves up for one who desires his own kingdom above all things.

However, we are uniquely drawn to those who selflessly give of themselves. Those who love and give generously find a type of fulfillment that extends beyond position, title, or structure. They find an authority that reaches into our heart and soul. Their example is studied. Their counsel is sought. Their stories are told in positive ways. And their happiness is truly lasting.

May we refuse to overlook the importance of selflessness. Instead, may we choose to pursue selflessness as the very means to achieve happiness—not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those we choose to love.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

On the flip side…
(knew that one was coming, right?)
…being a person that grew up hearing ONLY this lesson of selflessness and humbleness in childhood and practicing it for 40+ years, I’ve learned that it’s imperative to find balance.

(This is my 2-cents as a discussion point and NOT a criticism or argument to counter your post.)

A selfless person will attract takers, will be underappreciated and may fall victim to the straw-that-breaks-the-camel’s-back IF they do not set clear boundaries or choose carefully the direction in which their selflessness can do good. The world may will seek your advice then will ignore it. Pearls and swine, y’know? The emotional gas tank can quickly empty from selflessness as quickly as selfishness.

In fact, my own journey into simplicity is being fueled by exploring a more balanced approach toward selfishness. For the first time in my life, I’m moving toward what I want MY home to look like. No more storing stuff with others in mind. No more fueling the expectation that my time/energy is 2nd to everyone else’s. This gives me more energy/time to practice the selflessness that I believe you are alluding to… worthy charity organizations, elderly neighbors, LOYAL family and friends, etc.

I suppose what I wanted to add was that sometimes clutter comes from putting yourself last (selflessly) instead of first (selfishly), physically and emotionally, and can be just as big of a problem. Balance. Balance. Love for others and self in a balanced way.

Loving your blog/FB posts. I’ve shared you with many of my friends that are benefiting as well as myself from your thoughts and advice. Keep up the good work and know that you are heard and appreciated! We are all on a journey; may we always seek to encourage one another.

Teresa, you are exactly right. I recently realized I had to become more ‘self-centred’, in the sense of putting my wellbeing ahead of the negative behaviours of others which could so easily damage me and which, if I was truly selfless, I would have to support and allow (if not condone).

I don’t think this is necessarily incompatible with Joshua’s idea of selflessness, of rejecting power struggles and attempts to dominate others and embracing service and giving to others. But these must be on appropriate terms. It’s a matter of definitions.

April, you’re exactly right. It’s a matter of definitions. I completely agree with what Teresa is saying, through personal experience. It wasn’t until I was being “selfish” and intentional about my self growth that I was truly able to be selfless. Prior, I was being selfless, but that doesn’t mean I was happy. I truly believe in order to be selfless, wholeheartedly and genuinely, we must take care of ourselves first, that means being selfish. This is where it’s a matter of definitions. Selfishness in the sense of well-being and intentional self growth; not power, money, materialism, etc. We must take care of ourselves first in order to give our best selves to others. To make a difference in our own lives and the lives around us, in something much larger than ourselves.

I love your concept of “Balance” you are so right! I broke up with my girlfriend because I was selfish and wanted to date other girls that I believed were prettier than her…we were together for 3.5 years and I threw it away. I now realize that i made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m lonely and I miss her so much!!! I want to learn to balance my selflessness and selfishness. I didn’t do enough for her the first time hopefully I can have another chance..

In a traditional Indian culture, selflessness is touted as the best way to prove your love and dedication to your parents and family. If you do not care about what makes you happy, but live in a way your parents want you to live, you will be happy. They choose your career, your marriage partner, what you eat, what you wear, who you befriend, and so on. I lived in that manner for a long time and then I lived in the opposite way. I did whatever I wanted. I lived my life the way I wanted to.
I was definitely happier being a little selfish. I didn’t give up on my parents completely. I tried to listen to both viewpoints and then do what seemed to be the best for me.
I think in an extremely individualistic culture like North America, being selfless is a step up. Whereas in a traditional selfless culture like India or China, maybe being a little selfish would be gratifying. Balance is the key in both cases.

Humans are by nature selfish (that self-preservation instinct) but if we are to survive as a species we need we start moving beyond our selfishness. We need more people who are willing to “step up” and do what’s right for society and for our planet.

Great post, Joshua. I’ve always felt that the term “pursuit of happiness” was sort of oxymoronic. At least for me, it’s one of those things that is best realized by not pursuing it. Selflessness is a good way to stop trying to make happiness happen and LET it happen.

I agree that “selflessness” is important in terms of happiness and successful relationships. I put “selflessness” in parantheses since you can’t be completely selfless because then you are susceptible to getting taken advantage of.

The comments above seem to believe in some way something similar. Choosing to be selfless is in a way establishing a “self”, since you are making a decision to define yourself in such way.

As an annoying Socrates might put it, “If someone calls you selfish while another calls you selfless, then which one are you?”

Along with trying to practice servant leadership in my business, my philosophy is that if I take care of enough people, maybe one day when I need it someone will take care of me. But I don’t do it to ‘bank’ caring, I do it because it feels…right.

Teresa’s point (above) about letting others take advantage of you is on point–I see this exact situation several times a month. But being selfless or does not have to mean being a doormat–think about being in an airplane, for instance. The pre-flight speech always tells ‘those traveling with small children’ to put their own oxygen mask on first, and THEN help the child with theirs. The selfless person must take good care of themselves to begin with, otherwise they are unable to be there for others.

As Warren Bogart says in A Book of Common Prayer (Didion)–“You take care of someone; someone takes care of you–it’s all the same”.

Thank you for a very thought provoking post that hit home for me. Also, Theresa and Brown Vagabonder your comments provide a good counterbalance.
I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously thinking about moving into an intentional community close to where I currently live near family and friends. This is a very historic and well established community founded in 1941 by pacifists and unlike modern communities there is no private ownership of homes or vehicles and all residents are employed directly by the community enterprises (farm, cafe, gallery, workshop etc) in return for a home, food provided by the farm and an allowance according to whether you are single or have a family. I confess I am struggling with working through some aspects of selflessness and selfishness and trying to find a balance between what is right for me as a single woman and what I feel my responsibilities are as an only child to ageing parents who only see communities as hippie/druggie/free love/no hoper hangouts. Is it selfish to do that to your parents? Is it selfless to work towards a greater good within a like minded group? I believe that for me selflessness in a community will lead to greater happiness as I will be surrounded by those who are working towards the same goal of supporting each other rather than competing for survival and that be doing so we create a greater force which lifts up those around us rather than feeling the need to dominate.

Thank you for the post and comments. Very helpful.
I wanted to share that in a previous job, a co-worker vebally assaulted me and called me “selfish” after I told her I had to check my schedule before I could substitute for her at work. I felt so horrible I could not eat and I am a recovered compulsive overeater. My sponsor reminded me that self care is not selfish.

The reason I even looked “selfishness” up on the Internet is that I am seeing how I am, with the best of intentions. Founders of AA from Orodox Group started something called Two Way Prayer. When I went on that sight http://www.twowayprayer.org it helped me by having me ask if my moties are honest, pure, selfless and loving.

When I discovered recently how I am selfish by not sharing my gifts and talents I fell into workaholism. (compulsive busyness, thinking, activities) My family got pushed to the side. I started to fall into vagueness around money and I have been recovering from compulsive debt. It took two weeks to recognize this desire to help others could be an unconscious selfish pursuit for recognition, praise and satisfaction I didn’t receive as a child.

I am also recovering from growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home. Until I finish those steps, I believe I will be coming from a selfish place in whatever I believe I want. the last time my unresolved childhood issues were triggered, it took 10 years to recover to where I am today. It is hard to know if I am being motivated by my wounded inner child or God’s desire.

There’s more happiness in giving then in receiving. Doing volenteer work helping the poor and needy I have found to be the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. During times of my greatest giving of myself were when I have experienced happiness that is more clean, good and right then any short term happiness I’ve ever recieved from something I recieved, like a gift.

Phycopaths and Sociopaths are the most selfish of all people and the most unhappy. Living only for yourself brings only pain, suffering and death.

On the other hand purely selfless people, and they are rare, have historically found this lifestyle to be one of perfect peace, joy and amazing inner happiness. In my jouney towards selflessness, I first had to overcome the fear of being taken advantage of. It has only been as I’ve begun to love others regardless of what they do, that real selflessness is finally in sight.

M. Gandhi found the greatest happiness in selfless service with no attachment to the fruit. By fruit, he ment pay, praise, honor, credit. I personally have found the full realization of God through the selfless service of the poor.

Selflessness has been a trait of mine for the majority of my life, as well as a potentially causing my depression and psychological downfalls. I believe this mostly for this reason: not everyone you try to put before you will take it the way you intend it. Also, a lot of people in this world are very good at manipulating others into thinking that they are a real friend/truly care about your well-being; however, they are self-serving. I am not saying that this scenario is happening 100% of the time. Assess the situation before immediately assuming any false pretenses.

My point is this: selflessness can be very beneficial in most cases, but don’t continue to put others before you over and over again if it begins to affect you negatively. Follow your intuition. If someone brings you down emotionally after you’ve bent over backwards so many times to help make their lives easier, help yourself. That way you can be there for the next person who will benefit from your selflessness in a positive light and pay it forward.