They just drop it into conversation.
"I've got to stop off at WAITROSE!

0:33:40

0:33:43

"So I'll see you later,
I'm going to WAITROSE.

0:33:43

0:33:45

"Just so you all know,
I can afford WAITROSE!"

0:33:45

0:33:48

They sell all the same stuff
as other supermarkets.

0:33:48

0:33:51

They just charge more for it
and people enjoy going there.

0:33:51

0:33:53

There are no deals.
That's what frustrates you.

0:33:53

0:33:55

Every other supermarket has deals.

0:33:55

0:33:57

Like, buy-one-get-one-free exists
in every other supermarket
but not in Waitrose.

0:33:57

0:34:00

In Waitrose, it's, "Buy one,
and you're perfectly welcome
to buy another one,

0:34:00

0:34:03

"but it'll cost you the same
as the first,

0:34:03

0:34:05

"but about ten times more than
any other supermarket."

0:34:05

0:34:08

"Do come in."
"Don't mind if I do! WAITROSE!"

0:34:08

0:34:11

I've never seen anybody in
the Waitrose car park return
the trolley for the pound.

0:34:11

0:34:16

It is simply not worth it to them.

0:34:16

0:34:19

They unload the bags into the back
of the Range Rover.

0:34:19

0:34:21

They think about it, they try to get
the pound.

0:34:21

0:34:24

"Oh, no, the pound, it's stuck.
It's stuck.

0:34:24

0:34:25

"I've got to go all the way over
there to the trolley chain
for a pound.

0:34:25

0:34:29

"Well, that's not exactly worth it
after I've spent all this on
my shopping."

0:34:29

0:34:32

And then they do the sort of
push away.

0:34:33

0:34:35

They just go...

0:34:35

0:34:37

"Fuck off."

0:34:37

0:34:38

It's the Waitrose posh push!

0:34:40

0:34:42

"Fuck off."

0:34:42

0:34:44

And the trolley sort of rolls away,

0:34:46

0:34:49

and then careers into another Range
Rover for another posh person.

0:34:49

0:34:53

"What the - fuck off! -
is that doing there?"

0:34:53

0:34:55

There's normally someone from Aldi
in the bushes. "I'll have that!"

0:34:57

0:35:00

"Get my week's shopping done
on that quid, you idiot.

0:35:04

0:35:06

"It's all the same shit you just
bought, darling. Half the price."

0:35:06

0:35:09

They've got Waitrose
and Marks & Spencer's now

0:35:12

0:35:15

in the motorway services.
It's like, this is good news for me

0:35:15

0:35:18

because this is where I live
my life.

0:35:18

0:35:19

Some of the entertainment options
are a little bit peculiar.

0:35:19

0:35:22

I mean, what about those
massage chairs?!

0:35:22

0:35:25

Who goes on those? Those big leather
massage chairs, in the daylight,

0:35:25

0:35:28

in the middle of the services. I've
never seen a trucker sitting on that

0:35:28

0:35:32

going, "Yeah, after a few hours
on Britain's uneven roads,

0:35:32

0:35:36

"this is-is-is exactly what
I require.

0:35:36

0:35:38

"Oh, look, there's a shiatsu option.

0:35:38

0:35:40

"Cancel the spa break, darling,
it's like a holiday."

0:35:40

0:35:43

I saw one the other day
that was outside the loos.

0:35:45

0:35:47

People were coming out sort of
splashing their washed hands.

0:35:47

0:35:50

"Oh, hydrotherapy - I'm getting more
than I bargained for here!"

0:35:50

0:35:53

But those loos, seriously,
in the services,

0:35:55

0:35:57

are the most depressing place that
I have to go in my life.

0:35:57

0:35:59

I can't stand it, when you've got to
actually go into the cubicle.

0:35:59

0:36:02

Because I never just open doors
or anything, I always spend
a bit of time.

0:36:02

0:36:05

There's always, like, a long line
of doors.

0:36:05

0:36:07

I spend a bit of time trying to work
out which one I want to open,
which one feels lucky, you know?

0:36:07

0:36:11

Because you don't want to open it
and see something that you don't
want to see. Understand?

0:36:11

0:36:16

It's like the most unimaginably
awful episode of Deal Or No Deal.

0:36:16

0:36:21

In Deal Or No Deal, if you win,
you get £250,000.

0:36:21

0:36:24

In this motorway services
loo selection version,

0:36:24

0:36:27

a win is just clean.

0:36:27

0:36:29

Just clean!

0:36:29

0:36:31

You open the door, it's like,
"Oh, I won!

0:36:31

0:36:34

It's clean.

0:36:34

0:36:35

There's a loo seat and a lock.

0:36:35

0:36:37

It's beautiful, there's lots of
loo roll.

0:36:37

0:36:40

Deal!

0:36:40

0:36:41

But we've all had that
equivalent of the 1p box.

0:36:43

0:36:46

When you open the door

0:36:46

0:36:48

and you're like, "Oh, it's
a full house...of depravity."

0:36:48

0:36:54

Overflowing, unflushed loo.

0:36:54

0:36:56

No loo roll, no loo seat.

0:36:56

0:36:59

Piss all over the floor.

0:36:59

0:37:00

Obscenities written on the wall.
No lock on the door.

0:37:00

0:37:02

I was in one the other day.

0:37:02

0:37:04

I opened the door, it was exactly
the situation.

0:37:04

0:37:06

As I walked in, there was a sign
that said,

0:37:06

0:37:07

"These loos were last checked
and cleaned at 2:30."

0:37:07

0:37:10

I looked at my watch, it was 2:42.

0:37:10

0:37:12

THIS had happened in the last
12 minutes!

0:37:13

0:37:17

What kind of MONSTER had been
in there?

0:37:18

0:37:22

Who in their right mind goes in
and fills up the whole loo,

0:37:22

0:37:24

and then thinks,
"I'm going to need all this.

0:37:24

0:37:26

"Oh, there's a fresh loo roll, good.

0:37:26

0:37:28

"I'm going to need every single bit
to deal with this situation!

0:37:28

0:37:30

"Whilst I was pissing on the floor,
I forgot to piss.

0:37:30

0:37:33

"Might as well fill that in all
around there - that looks nice."

0:37:33

0:37:35

Writing obscenities on the wall.

0:37:35

0:37:37

Then rips off the loo seat,

0:37:37

0:37:39

kicks off the lock and carries on
with their life!

0:37:39

0:37:41

They could still be on the premises!

0:37:43

0:37:44

"Oh, that massage chair really
got me going."

0:37:46

0:37:48

I don't understand.

0:37:48

0:37:49

And I don't understand where
all the loo seats are.

0:37:49

0:37:52

You ask yourself these questions -

0:37:52

0:37:54

so many times in my life I've got
into a public loo,

0:37:54

0:37:56

you open the door and there is no
loo seat.

0:37:56

0:37:57

You just go, "Oh, there's no seat
in that one.

0:37:57

0:37:59

"What about that one?
Oh, there's no seat in that one.

0:37:59

0:38:02

"Oh, this one's got a seat. Yeah,
I'll go in there."

0:38:02

0:38:04

Back up. Where are the seats?
Who are you?

0:38:04

0:38:08

Where are they going?

0:38:08

0:38:09

Who in their right mind finishes on
the loo and just thinks,

0:38:09

0:38:12

"That would look quite nice at home.
Does that just screw off, does it?"

0:38:12

0:38:16

I've never seen anybody running
through the services' car park

0:38:16

0:38:20

with a loo seat on their head.

0:38:20

0:38:21

"Don't ask, just drive.
Look what Daddy got.

0:38:21

0:38:24

"And I got all the loo roll."

0:38:24

0:38:26

The doors, I don't understand
as well.

0:38:27

0:38:29

Of all the doors in the world,

0:38:29

0:38:30

and there are a lot of doors in
the world,

0:38:30

0:38:32

don't you think that the doors of a
place where you are on the loo in

0:38:32

0:38:36

public should fill the space around
you and give you maximum privacy?

0:38:36

0:38:39

These are the smallest doors in
the world.

0:38:39

0:38:41

They literally don't even...

0:38:41

0:38:42

They sort of start from here, then
they don't even go to the edges.

0:38:42

0:38:45

I was sitting on the loo the other
day. I could see right through.

0:38:45

0:38:48

Just someone at the hand-dryer.,
just staring at me.

0:38:49

0:38:51

They're like cowboy doors.

0:38:54

0:38:55

They sort of go from... Why do they
start here? I don't understand.

0:38:55

0:38:58

Why do people want to see
the shitting feet of strangers?

0:38:58

0:39:01

Is that important to you?
They come in,

0:39:01

0:39:02

"Oh, look. Some shitting feet.
Shitting feet there.

0:39:02

0:39:04

"I feel great here, I know exactly
what I'm supposed to do."

0:39:04

0:39:07

I don't understand it!

0:39:07

0:39:08

They sort of start here
and they go sort of to here.

0:39:08

0:39:12

No, not to here.
They go above your head.

0:39:12

0:39:14

That would be even worse. I suppose
we need to be grateful for that.

0:39:14

0:39:19

Can you imagine?

0:39:19

0:39:20

"Are you going to be long, mate?"
"A couple of minutes, I'd say."

0:39:27

0:39:31

They do. They do cut off your head.

0:39:31

0:39:35

But it goes all the way round.
You can even see it in the next one.

0:39:35

0:39:38

The other day, there was a newspaper
in my bit and I thought,

0:39:38

0:39:41

"That's going to be mine.
I'm going to read that."

0:39:41

0:39:43

And I just reached for it,
and a hand came under the door

0:39:43

0:39:46

and started taking it away.
"No, you bloody don't!"

0:39:46

0:39:50

Although this is all I need
to reveal now

0:39:50

0:39:53

for people to recognise me.

0:39:53

0:39:54

"I know those calves -
it's Mr McIntyre, isn't it?"

0:39:54

0:39:57

Can I get a selfie?"

0:39:57

0:39:58

But obviously you have to go.

0:40:02

0:40:03

If you need to go, you've got
to pull over. That's my life.

0:40:03

0:40:06

Children, of course,
don't tolerate that.

0:40:06

0:40:08

When the children need to go to
the loo and we're in the car,

0:40:08

0:40:10

I always say the same thing.

0:40:10

0:40:11

"You should've thought of
that before."

0:40:11

0:40:13

"You should've thought of
that before."

0:40:13

0:40:15

I say that because I've heard
other parents say it.

0:40:15

0:40:17

But it's a very unreasonable request
if you actually think it through.

0:40:17

0:40:21

People don't pre-plan when they need
to go to the loo.

0:40:21

0:40:23

They just need to go to the loo.
ADULTS don't think of it before.

0:40:23

0:40:26

But apparently children have
to think of it before.

0:40:26

0:40:28

I think it would be quite creepy
if they did.

0:40:28

0:40:30

"Before we set off, Daddy,
I'd just like to point out

0:40:30

0:40:32

"that I did have two apple juices
with my breakfast.

0:40:32

0:40:35

"And with my usual
rate of digestion,

0:40:35

0:40:36

"I'd say I'll be needing a pee
between 40 and 45 minutes.

0:40:36

0:40:39

"If you maintain this speed
or between 70-75 mph,

0:40:39

0:40:42

"then speed equals distance
over time

0:40:42

0:40:44

"and, according to this map, we'll
be between junctions 14 and 17 of
the M4 when I'm desperate for a pee.

0:40:44

0:40:50

"So I'm going to pee now in advance
of setting off so as not to
annoy you."

0:40:50

0:40:53

"You're a freak. I don't even think
I want you in the car."

0:40:53

0:40:55

Don't think of it before!

0:40:57

0:40:59

But my children are doing very well.

0:40:59

0:41:00

They're ten and seven.
They're amazing,

0:41:00

0:41:02

and I have to say,
all respect to my wife,

0:41:02

0:41:04

who's doing an incredible,
patient job of raising them.

0:41:04

0:41:07

I don't know how she does it.
Because I can't do it. I had to
babysit the other night.

0:41:07

0:41:10

I lose it very quickly. But it's not
like my wife isn't without limits.

0:41:10

0:41:13

She has this thing - all women
have this - she has a thing
called a tether.

0:41:13

0:41:16

Now, I don't know what a tether is.

0:41:16

0:41:17

Men aren't allowed to know
what a tether is.

0:41:17

0:41:19

All we know is that women will
find themselves somewhere along
the tether at any time of the day.

0:41:19

0:41:23

But we're not allowed any
information as to where she is
located upon it.

0:41:23

0:41:27

There's no tether monitor.

0:41:27

0:41:28

There's no updates.
She doesn't update us.

0:41:28

0:41:30

No women update us on where they are
on the tether.

0:41:30

0:41:32

The first we learn of where they are
on the tether

0:41:32

0:41:35

is when they reach
the END of the tether.

0:41:35

0:41:37

And this can literally happen at
any time, out of the blue.

0:41:39

0:41:41

This happened the other day. I
opened the fridge and it was empty.

0:41:41

0:41:44

I was like, "Darling, there's
nothing in the fridge."

0:41:44

0:41:47

She just mimicked me.
"Is there nothing in the fridge?!"

0:41:47

0:41:49

"I was just wondering
what was for dinner."

0:41:49

0:41:51

"Whatever the fuck you want,
Michael."

0:41:51

0:41:53

I think I know what's happened here.

0:41:55

0:41:57

"You've reached the end of
your tether, haven't you?

0:41:57

0:42:00

"I didn't even know you were in
the danger zone, darling.

0:42:00

0:42:03

"You should have warned me."

0:42:03

0:42:04

I took my wife out the other night
for a date night.

0:42:06

0:42:09

This is a great way to get her down

0:42:09

0:42:10

to the more desirable place along
the tether.

0:42:10

0:42:13

Great for tether readjustment,
date night.

0:42:13

0:42:16

Of course, I ruined it. I took her
to this really expensive restaurant
and it just really wound me up.

0:42:16

0:42:20

They did this thing I've never seen
before.

0:42:20

0:42:22

They gave me a menu, a normal menu
with the food and the prices.

0:42:22

0:42:25

Then they gave her a menu with just
the food. No prices.

0:42:25

0:42:27

So we had a very different
experience in this restaurant.

0:42:27

0:42:31

She was like, "Oh, the lobster
looks good."

0:42:31

0:42:33

I'm like, "No, it doesn't.
It looks awful!"

0:42:33

0:42:35

"I think the green beans as a side
order to share looks rather yummy."

0:42:35

0:42:38

She said, "I wonder what
the catch of the day is."

0:42:38

0:42:41

"It's £45 and you're not having it,
OK?"

0:42:41

0:42:43

I actually called the waiter over.

0:42:45

0:42:47

I'm like, "Sorry, £45 for
the catch of the day?

0:42:47

0:42:49

"What is it you've caught?

0:42:49

0:42:51

"Because if it's not a mermaid,
you're overcharging.

0:42:51

0:42:53

"Do you understand?"

0:42:53

0:42:54

But the best news for my wife's
tether position and my whole family,

0:42:57

0:43:01

in fact, is that we've moved to
the country.

0:43:01

0:43:04

It's been my wife's dream to have
a place in the country.

0:43:04

0:43:06

It became my dream when she told me
about it every day for 15 years.

0:43:06

0:43:10

So we've finally done it, this
beautiful place in the country.

0:43:10

0:43:12

And I'm readjusting to country life.

0:43:12

0:43:14

There are things I didn't know
about.

0:43:14

0:43:16

I mean, I'm a Londoner, I've lived
here my whole life.

0:43:16

0:43:18

Things like plumbing.
Never knew about plumbing.

0:43:18

0:43:20

You don't think about
plumbing in London.

0:43:20

0:43:22

you just flush the loo and don't
really care what goes on.

0:43:22

0:43:24

I wash my hands and carry on
with my life.

0:43:24

0:43:26

But now I've bought a house,
and there's no plumbing to it.

0:43:26

0:43:28

Didn't know that when I bought it.

0:43:28

0:43:30

There's a tank next to the house
and everything from the loo
goes into the tank.

0:43:30

0:43:33

It's called a septic tank
and it gets changed once a year.

0:43:33

0:43:36

Tell me, honestly, is that living
the dream, would you say?

0:43:36

0:43:38

You know when you buy a house
and people are like,

0:43:38

0:43:40

"Oh, the previous owners left all
their shit behind"?

0:43:40

0:43:43

That is exactly the situation
I'm in!

0:43:43

0:43:45

I've got a shit tank
next to my house!

0:43:46

0:43:48

So, I have to be honest with you,

0:43:50

0:43:52

being here is such a pleasure
for me, you know?

0:43:52

0:43:54

I'm a little bit upset
it's my last time.

0:43:54

0:43:56

But it really is, honestly, so much
fun playing to you here.

0:43:56

0:43:59

CHEERING

0:43:59

0:44:01

Because I've been...all around
the country building up to here.

0:44:01

0:44:04

And I've been going abroad as well.

0:44:04

0:44:06

That's nice, I didn't know
that people knew me abroad.

0:44:06

0:44:09

I didn't know if they had YouTube,
or something.

0:44:09

0:44:11

I don't know, the show was
sold there.

0:44:11

0:44:13

But I started getting these
phone calls,

0:44:13

0:44:14

and I went to Norway,
and I went to...

0:44:14

0:44:16

IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
South Africa.

0:44:16

0:44:18

I got invited to go to South Africa.
I'm sorry to do the accent,

0:44:18

0:44:20

but it's just too fun not to do,
you know?

0:44:20

0:44:22

If you've got a little bit of time
on your hands,

0:44:22

0:44:25

just talk to yourself in
a South African accent, like this!

0:44:25

0:44:28

And if you don't know how to do it,
just make sure that every syllable

0:44:28

0:44:32

that you say has nothing to do with
the syllable directly before it, OK?

0:44:32

0:44:37

So I went to South Africa,
and they invited me

0:44:38

0:44:40

to go to Cape Town and Johannesburg.
And I kept telling people,

0:44:40

0:44:42

I'm going to Cape Town and
Johannesburg to do comedy.

0:44:42

0:44:45

They'd always say the same thing -
"You're going to love Cape Town."

0:44:45

0:44:47

I'd go, "What about Johannesburg?"

0:44:47

0:44:49

And they told me, almost to a man,
that they knew somebody

0:44:49

0:44:51

or knew somebody who knew somebody
who was shot in Johannesburg.

0:44:51

0:44:54

I looked it up online. Big mistake -
it's murder capital of the world.

0:44:54

0:44:57

More people are shot in Johannesburg
than anywhere else.

0:44:57

0:44:59

I tried to pull out.
I called the office and said,

0:44:59

0:45:01

"Can I not do the Johannesburg one
and just do Cape Town?"

0:45:01

0:45:04

They said, "Too late. You've sold
the tickets, you've got to go."

0:45:04

0:45:07

"You're overreacting. It's a lovely
venue. Look it up online."

0:45:07

0:45:09

So rather than going on the website,
modern day, I went on
Google Street View.

0:45:09

0:45:13

You know when there's
that green man,

0:45:13

0:45:14

and you pick him up,
and you drag him?

0:45:14

0:45:16

Then you drop him on the road,
and that road comes up

0:45:18

0:45:20

because they photographed all
the roads in the world.

0:45:20

0:45:23

So I dropped him outside the venue
in Johannesburg to see
what it looked like.

0:45:23

0:45:26

And HE got shot.
That's when I knew...

0:45:26

0:45:29

..it wasn't such a good idea.

0:45:30

0:45:31

I also went to Australia.
I went to 'Stralia, yeah.

0:45:31

0:45:34

Don't know if there's any Aussies
in tonight,

0:45:34

0:45:36

but I went all the way to 'Stralia
to do some shows.

0:45:36

0:45:38

The Aussies who live over here,
they're kind of wild, you know?

0:45:38

0:45:41

Because they've come a long way.

0:45:41

0:45:42

They're like, "I'm going to make
the most of it.

0:45:42

0:45:44

"Come on, yeah! I'm in London!"

0:45:44

0:45:46

The ones in Australia,
they're the most relaxed people

0:45:46

0:45:49

I've ever met in my entire life.

0:45:49

0:45:50

They speak so slowly!

0:45:50

0:45:52

"Basically, I'm in no rush
whatsoever.

0:45:52

0:45:54

"I mean, I'm miles away
from everywhere on Earth.

0:45:54

0:45:57

"What's the point of rushing?

0:45:57

0:46:00

"I mean, we're 12 hours ahead.

0:46:00

0:46:02

"You're never going to catch up
anyway."

0:46:02

0:46:04

Even in the airport,
I've never heard less urgency.

0:46:06

0:46:09

"Flight number two...

0:46:09

0:46:10

.."Seven...

0:46:12

0:46:14

"Is that a four? Would you call
that a four?!"

0:46:14

0:46:16

"Oh, that one's gone,
that's my mistake.

0:46:17

0:46:19

"Too slow, I'm afraid.
That's happened again!"

0:46:19

0:46:23

They go, "How you going?"
They don't go, "How are you?"

0:46:23

0:46:25

They go, "How you going? How you
going?" I'd never heard this.

0:46:25

0:46:28

I was checking in on an internal
flight from Sydney to Adelaide.

0:46:28

0:46:30

I was like, "I'd like to go to
Adelaide, please."

0:46:30

0:46:32

And this woman went,
"How you going?"

0:46:32

0:46:34

I was like, "Aircraft?
What kind of a place is this?!"

0:46:34

0:46:37

And I even went to Dubai,
which was very good.

0:46:39

0:46:41

I wasn't playing to locals in Dubai.
I was playing to expats.

0:46:41

0:46:43

I sold a load of tickets,

0:46:43

0:46:44

but I think they were just
getting out of the heat.

0:46:44

0:46:46

I think it's really air conditioning
that's the biggest draw in Dubai.

0:46:46

0:46:50

Because I've been to Dubai in
the summer, last summer, on holiday.

0:46:50

0:46:53

The biggest mistake of my life.
It is so hot

0:46:53

0:46:55

that you can't actually
believe they built it.

0:46:55

0:46:57

It makes you quite angry.
It's like an oven.

0:46:57

0:46:59

You know when people go,
"It's like an oven!" It is.

0:46:59

0:47:01

The only other time I've experienced
heat like this is, when you
leave the oven on a long time

0:47:01

0:47:05

and you open it and it hits you in
the face, like that. And I've never
at that moment thought,

0:47:05

0:47:09

"I want to go on holiday in there."

0:47:09

0:47:12

"What do you think, darling?

0:47:12

0:47:13

"You, me and the kids,
280 degrees C, fan-assisted?"

0:47:13

0:47:16

I can't tell you how hot it was.

0:47:16

0:47:19

There was a revolving door
in our hotel.

0:47:19

0:47:21

And when I revolved out from
the air conditioning
into the outside of Dubai,

0:47:21

0:47:24

I literally just revolved
straight back in.

0:47:24

0:47:26

"We cannot go out there!"
I can't tell you what it was like.

0:47:26

0:47:29

There were people going through with
frozen chickens, coming round with
Sunday lunches on the other side.

0:47:29

0:47:34

If the juices run clear,
then it's ready.

0:47:35

0:47:37

"More crispy? One more revolution
will do this!"

0:47:37

0:47:39

I don't understand revolving doors.

0:47:42

0:47:43

I think it should be illegal for
strangers to get into your segment.

0:47:43

0:47:47

There it is, I said it.

0:47:47

0:47:48

It's hard enough when you've got in
your segment

0:47:49

0:47:52

and you're trying to make your way
round in that weird sort of segment
revolving door walk.

0:47:52

0:47:56

It's the oddest thing,
when a stranger slots in.

0:47:56

0:47:58

"Whoa, there's a stranger
in my segment!

0:47:58

0:48:00

"Why doesn't he just wait
a microsecond for his own segment?"

0:48:00

0:48:05

It's very hard to walk with another
person in your segment.

0:48:05

0:48:09

I cannot believe a stranger
has joined me in my segment!

0:48:09

0:48:12

I always eyeball them.

0:48:12

0:48:13

"I don't know you,
you're a stranger!"

0:48:13

0:48:15

"I do know you! I hold your hand
once in the road.

0:48:17

0:48:20

"Why you never remember me?

0:48:20

0:48:21

"You not call me or nothing.
You come on so strong,
then you disappear!"

0:48:21

0:48:24

But obviously, when we're
on holiday in Dubai,

0:48:28

0:48:30

very dangerous for children.

0:48:30

0:48:31

The sun is so strong, it's very
dangerous for the children.

0:48:31

0:48:33

This is why I have to put them in
the shade. That's my responsibility.

0:48:33

0:48:36

You know, as a father.
That's my responsibility.

0:48:36

0:48:38

I'm not married to a doctor,
so I have to do things myself.

0:48:38

0:48:41

And by the pool, it's always about
moving these umbrellas.

0:48:43

0:48:45

We've got these umbrellas.
They block the sun.
That's what they're for.

0:48:45

0:48:48

My wife always goes, "Can you
just move the umbrella, darling,

0:48:48

0:48:51

"get the kids in the shade?"
Well, this is easier said than done.

0:48:51

0:48:53

These umbrellas are the heaviest
things in the world.

0:48:53

0:48:55

You can't just drag it to where
you want to go. Oh, no!

0:48:55

0:48:58

The only way to move it is,
you have to tilt it and twirl it,

0:48:58

0:49:01

like this. And twirl it.

0:49:01

0:49:02

And keep twirling it.

0:49:02

0:49:04

And twirl it again. And twirl it.

0:49:04

0:49:06

And then you end up
where you started.

0:49:06

0:49:08

Sometimes you have to do a series
of alternate tilts and twirls

0:49:08

0:49:11

to try and reach your destination.

0:49:11

0:49:13

And you find yourself moving
further away.

0:49:13

0:49:15

You don't know how to get
to where you're going.

0:49:15

0:49:17

My wife's like,
"Where are you going?"

0:49:17

0:49:18

"I'm trying to get to you.
Let me try and work this out!"

0:49:18

0:49:21

I saw another dad get closer
to my kids.

0:49:21

0:49:23

"Why don't you save my children and
I'll try and get round to yours?"

0:49:23

0:49:27

And then when I was checking in,

0:49:27

0:49:29

this bloke came through reception
with an umbrella, like this.

0:49:29

0:49:32

He was like, "I'm not even staying
at this hotel."

0:49:32

0:49:35

"I'm supposed to be
in Sharm El Sheikh.

0:49:35

0:49:38

"Tell my wife I love her.
My kids must have melted by now!"

0:49:38

0:49:42

Obviously, going on holiday, it's
about getting away from the country.

0:49:45

0:49:48

It's also about getting away
from people as well.

0:49:48

0:49:50

I want you to know
that I love British people.

0:49:50

0:49:52

I would never live anywhere
but here.

0:49:52

0:49:54

I'm one of you, I love you.
But on holiday...

0:49:54

0:49:56

..I can't really stand you.
There's something about Brits.

0:49:57

0:50:00

I'm one of them, but I just feel so
much better with foreigners because

0:50:00

0:50:03

you feel like you're away.
We seem to be quite whiny, don't we,

0:50:03

0:50:06

by the pool?

0:50:06

0:50:08

"Dave? Da-a-ave?

0:50:08

0:50:10

"Da-a-ave?" I'm always like,
"I don't want to be on holiday
with Dave."

0:50:10

0:50:13

"Da-a-ave?

0:50:13

0:50:14

Have you seen my other flip-flop,
Da-a-ave?"

0:50:14

0:50:17

"I dunno, love. It's your flip-flop.
Where d'you last see it?"

0:50:17

0:50:20

The other one's like,
"Oh, I don't know."

0:50:20

0:50:22

But, you know, foreigners are having
exactly the same conversations.

0:50:22

0:50:25

They just sound so much better
coming from them.

0:50:25

0:50:28

"Davido. Come la vale
la flippa-floppa?"

0:50:28

0:50:31

"Mi scusi, Maria, ma flippa-floppa,
come la tutta la flippa-floppa?!"

0:50:33

0:50:37

I'm just lying there like,

0:50:38

0:50:40

"Oh, it's so great to be away,
isn't it? Loving it."

0:50:40

0:50:43

Even the kids. I don't want to be
rude about our children.

0:50:43

0:50:46

But foreign children -
they seem to be amazing.

0:50:46

0:50:48

They play all day.
They have golden-brown tans.

0:50:48

0:50:51

They swim like dolphins.
They dive into the water,
you don't even see a splash.

0:50:51

0:50:56

They just disappear and emerge
at the other side of the water.

0:50:56

0:50:59

"Oh, Mama, Papa, la agua.
Issa magnifico."

0:50:59

0:51:04

"Oh, Mama! La flippa-floppa!
Come le latte la flippa-floppa!"

0:51:06

0:51:10

British children have so much cream
on, you could see them from space.

0:51:11

0:51:14

We LOVE basting them. We'd like
to baste the kids in cream.

0:51:16

0:51:20

All in their eyes, and their noses,
and their mouth.

0:51:20

0:51:22

"Come here!" Reluctantly,
"I don't like it, I don't like it!"

0:51:22

0:51:25

And they don't just have armbands
any more.

0:51:25

0:51:27

We like to put these
flotation suits.

0:51:27

0:51:29

They're the most buoyant things
on Earth,

0:51:29

0:51:32

bobbing around with cream
in their eyes.

0:51:32

0:51:34

And the tightest goggles.
There's something about goggles

0:51:34

0:51:37

where, once you over-tighten them,
you can't reverse it.

0:51:37

0:51:39

And they're always, "Daddy, can you
get my goggles right?"

0:51:39

0:51:42

But you can't do it. You fight with
it for a while. Then you give up,

0:51:42

0:51:45

pretend you've done it and just
strap them on that tight.

0:51:45

0:51:48

"Ow, Daddy, that really hurts!

0:51:48

0:51:50

Ow! Ow, the cream's dripping
in my eyes!" There's a bubble!

0:51:50

0:51:54

"Go on, make a friend."

0:51:54

0:51:56

"I can't see where the pool is!"

0:51:56

0:52:00

Foreign kids are just smoking
cigarettes, drinking coffee.

0:52:00

0:52:03

"Bambino Inglese. Stupido!"

0:52:03

0:52:05

Swimming is the big thing for us.

0:52:08

0:52:09

I mean, seriously,
compared to foreigners

0:52:09

0:52:11

it's absolutely hysterical.

0:52:11

0:52:13

I've seen what foreigners do
when they're by the pool

0:52:13

0:52:16

and they need to swim. They get hot,
they get up, and they get in.

0:52:16

0:52:19

That's the process. Hot, up, in.

0:52:19

0:52:21

Yeah, just doing lengths.
Ciao! Hot, up, in.

0:52:21

0:52:24

That's it. Easy.
It's an amazing thing.

0:52:24

0:52:26

We can't do that in pools.
We, as British people,

0:52:26

0:52:29

need to enter into a whole process.

0:52:29

0:52:31

First of all, we have to announce
to all the British people
we are with...

0:52:31

0:52:34

.."I'm going in."

0:52:35

0:52:37

"You going in?"
"Yes, I am going in."

0:52:38

0:52:41

"What's it like? What's it like?"

0:52:41

0:52:42

Because going in doesn't actually
mean going in.

0:52:42

0:52:45

Going in means reviewing
the temperature of the water,

0:52:45

0:52:47

as everybody waits for the result.

0:52:47

0:52:49

And it's always the same.

0:52:49

0:52:50

HE GASPS
"It's freezing!"

0:52:50

0:52:53

"What's it like?"
"It's freezing!"

0:52:53

0:52:54

This is where you enter the next
phase of the production.

0:52:54

0:52:57

This is where there'll already be
a British person in the pool,

0:52:57

0:52:59

who will swim up to you and offer
you some advice.

0:52:59

0:53:01

This is actually advice you've
received on every previous swim
of your entire life

0:53:01

0:53:05

and advice that you will receive
on every future swim of
your entire life.

0:53:05

0:53:08

But this advice at this very key
moment means nothing to you at all.

0:53:08

0:53:11

And that is that it is
"all right once you're in".

0:53:11

0:53:13

But it means nothing!

0:53:13

0:53:14

"It's all right, just get in."

0:53:16

0:53:18

"It's all right once you're in."

0:53:18

0:53:19

"It's actually quite warm in here."

0:53:19

0:53:23

"I was like you,
but look at me now!"

0:53:25

0:53:28

But you don't believe a word of it.
You give yourself maximum pain.

0:53:31

0:53:35

You take it one step at a time.

0:53:35

0:53:37

Some people just wait with the water
around their waist,

0:53:37

0:53:39

just complaining,
trying to build the courage.

0:53:39

0:53:41

HE PANTS PATHETICALLY

0:53:41

0:53:44

"I don't like it.
It's freezing. It's freezing!"

0:53:44

0:53:47

Some people just launch
themselves in.

0:53:47

0:53:50

HE GASPS

0:53:50

0:53:52

GASPS HYSTERICALLY

0:53:52

0:53:54

It only takes about four strokes
before they make their announcement.

0:53:54

0:53:57

HE GASPS

0:53:57

0:53:58

"It's all right once you're in."

0:53:58

0:54:00

For fuck's sake!
We all told you this.

0:54:00

0:54:03

The very fact there are people
swimming happily in the pool

0:54:03

0:54:07

implies that it's all right
once you're in.

0:54:07

0:54:09

It's not like you're standing there
going, "Oh, it's freezing,"

0:54:09

0:54:12

and there are just blue bodies
floating on the surface.

0:54:12

0:54:15

"I don't think it is all right
once you're in.

0:54:17

0:54:19

"There are dead, blue people in the
pool. Darling - dead, blue people!"

0:54:19

0:54:23

We had this lovely man
looking after us when we were
on holiday in Dubai.

0:54:23

0:54:27

Don't know where he was from.
He was a tiny little person.

0:54:27

0:54:29

He could never say my name as well.

0:54:29

0:54:31

"Hello, Mr Macintakarey,
Mr Macalakataka!"

0:54:31

0:54:34

"McIntyre."

0:54:34

0:54:35

"Mackintakintakareyah!"

0:54:35

0:54:37

Macasilly-silly-mackey-yackey-mackey
-yackey.

0:54:37

0:54:40

"Hello, Mr Mackey-yackey!"

0:54:40

0:54:42

He did this thing where he made
a swan out of the towel,
out of the bath towel.

0:54:42

0:54:46

Amazing. My wife loved it.

0:54:46

0:54:48

We came back to the room and there
was a swan in the room, like that,

0:54:48

0:54:50

made out of towels. I was like,
"Oh, look what that man did.

0:54:50

0:54:53

"He made us a beautiful, beautiful
swan out of the towel."

0:54:53

0:54:56

I use it now as an excuse when I
leave my wet towels on the floor.

0:54:56

0:54:59

"Michael, why did you leave your wet
towels on the floor last night?"

0:54:59

0:55:02

"THAT...is a platypus."

0:55:02

0:55:03

"How dare you criticise
my early work!"

0:55:05

0:55:07

So I come out of the shower, I'm on
holiday, and there's no towels.

0:55:09

0:55:12

The kids have used all the towels.
Typical.

0:55:12

0:55:14

So I go and reach for the swan,
because it is a towel,
first and foremost.

0:55:14

0:55:17

My wife goes mental.
"Don't you dare touch that swan!

0:55:17

0:55:19

"That man made that beautiful swan
and you're going to ruin it now,
like you ruin everything."

0:55:19

0:55:23

I'm like,
"But there are no towels."

0:55:23

0:55:24

"OK, fine, use it.
But work around it, Michael.

0:55:24

0:55:26

"Don't ruin it. Don't spoil it."

0:55:26

0:55:28

So I'm standing there, naked, drying
myself on this swan, like this.

0:55:28

0:55:32

And the bloody man
who made it walks in.

0:55:34

0:55:36

"Mr Mackintakarey... Shit!"
"Oh!"

0:55:38

0:55:41

It felt awful.

0:55:41

0:55:43

When we left, I thought,

0:55:43

0:55:44

I'm going to give him all my money
that I had left,

0:55:44

0:55:46

all the dirhams, the currency
for Dubai.

0:55:46

0:55:48

And it worked out to be 90 quid.

0:55:48

0:55:49

I thought, I'm going to give him
90 quid. He's been charming,
he deserves it.

0:55:49

0:55:52

And as I told him,
I shook his hand.

0:55:52

0:55:54

I gave him the money and I went,
"You deserve this."

0:55:54

0:55:56

And he just rolled his eyes
and walked off.

0:55:56

0:55:57

I thought, "That's a bit rude,
a bit weird."

0:55:57

0:56:00

Felt a bit odd about it. And then
of course, on the plane,

0:56:00

0:56:02

I worked it out that I had worked
out the exchange rate wrong

0:56:02

0:56:04

and actually gave him 9p.
I gave him 9p.

0:56:04

0:56:06

I gave him and 9p and I told them he
deserved it as I gave it to him.

0:56:06

0:56:09

I think of all the people in
the world, he hates me the most.

0:56:09

0:56:12

I can only imagine him getting home
to his wife.

0:56:12

0:56:15

"I cannot believe Mr Mackintakarey!
He give me 9p!

0:56:15

0:56:18

"9p! I had to look at his upside-
down, creepy legs for ten days.

0:56:18

0:56:24

"He drugs his children, you know.

0:56:24

0:56:26

"He would leave syringes
on the floor.

0:56:26

0:56:28

"I have to pick them up and say
nothing as he drugs his children!

0:56:28

0:56:31

"They're on the iPad 24 hours a day.

0:56:31

0:56:33

"Mr Mackintakarey is disgustings!

0:56:33

0:56:36

"And he fucked my swan.
I hate him!"

0:56:36

0:56:40

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
so much for coming out tonight.

0:56:40

0:56:42

Thank you very much!

0:56:42

0:56:45

To everyone at the top, thank you so
much for coming. Thank you all.

0:56:47

0:56:50

HE SIGHS

0:56:50

0:56:52

You're very kind.

0:56:52

0:56:55

From the bottom of my heart, thank
you so much. I will see you again.

0:56:55

0:56:57

Goodnight. Bravo!

0:56:57

0:56:59

Whoo!

0:56:59

0:57:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:57:01

0:57:03

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:58:14

0:58:16

Michael McIntyre is back. Following the record-breaking success of Live and Laughing, Hello Wembley and Showtime, Michael returns to the stage to do what he does best - make everyday life face-achingly hilarious.

Happy & Glorious was recorded at the O2 in London, where Michael has now performed 27 times, more than any other artist in the world. He throws everything into this memorable performance that has over 15,000 rolling in the aisles and on their feet at the end.