First off, to line up in front of a store an hour before midnight so you can be one of the first inside to buy things you don’t need on credit that will further challenge your financial future is psychotic behavior, not to mention distinctly American.

The Thanksgiving into Black Friday one-two punch was one of the best en-masse orgies the America has had in awhile.

Over the weekend, reports of Black Friday casualties started coming in. Arrests made, customers pepper spraying other customers, a death during the consumer orgasmatron didn’t slow down the pursuit of a good deal. Billions of dollars worth of merchandise left stores, were stuffed into waiting vehicles to be taken back to dwellings and utilized.

I ventured out of my utilitarian compound to the grocery store on Black Friday and found the place to be almost empty—the Americans were after bigger savings. I acquired my provisions, fell back to my place and spent the rest of the day and night well away from the consumer killing fields.

When I read the reports of the shoppers who were injured, I quickly came to the conclusion that this was an upgrade. The America is getting better. Yes, better. Better at going deeper into debt, better at brutalizing each other and better at turning the United States into a scene from The Lord Of The Flies, remixed by Ayn Rand. The events of Black Friday was rugged individualist America in motion. This was freedom on the march. By hurling their hard earned credit card dollars to China, these rowdy patriots were taking their country back from Washington’s socialist clutches! Every shopper a hero and a soldier for Christ! This is a country without fear, unafraid to take on huge discounts. I got it!

I think the America should have a Black Friday at the end of every fiscal quarter but ramp things up. Pools of alligators to navigate, hot coals to walk over, bare knuckle brawls for better savings. Bloodletting, human, animal sacrifices, canings. Let A&E make one of their increasingly bizarre shows based around these Black Friday gore fests. Send in their roster of dim stars to make appearances, Dog! Billy! Storage Warriors!

You may be asking yourself why I am in favor of my fellow Americans ripping each other to shreds over items brought in from China. It’s a fair inquiry. My interest, as always, is in national security and maintaing the America’s rightful place as biggest debtor and leader of the free world. Footage of American shoppers brutalizing each other over relatively worthless items have by now been viewed countless times by millions of people all over the world, including The Terrorists, who hate our freedom. I mean, they really, REALLY hate it. They hate our freedom’s guts. Well, that’s just fine by me, they can kiss Ted Nugent’s ass as far as I’m concerned. The point I am making is that our enemies all over the world have seen what we will do to each other for a washing machine or a flat screen television and have found that their hatred of our freedom has been eclipsed by a stone cold sober fear of the wrath that would be exacted upon them if they so much as moved an inch towards the America—soon to be most kickass little sweatshop outside of Saipan. Super low wage work will unite the 99%!

Now, if The Terrorists are reading this right now, please take the events of Black Friday to be your last warning. Listen up, you extremists: you see what we Americans will do for great savings—just imagine what we will do to you.

We will go WangoTangoWhackmaster on your fucking skulls! Do you copy? Stay in your fucking caves or we will stick Black Friday so far up your asses that ten Wal-Mart greeters all pulling at once won’t be able to extract it. Occupy that, bitches. Can you hear me now? I thought so.