Monday, June 20, 2011

I've been writing this blog for a while now and I really enjoy sharing my life with my readers, the funny stuff, the stuff that makes me want to pull my hair out, and of course to document our life as my children continue to change and grow. One issue that's always on my mind and something that I have struggled with for many years, I have chosen to keep private. It's something that I've never felt comfortable opening up about on my blog. I have felt safer keeping it private all this time. There were times that I've wanted to share it, but I haven't been ready. I was hoping that one day I would come to a place where I felt secure enough to open up publicly about my struggle. I'm not sure what happened to make me change how I feel, but I know that now, it no longer needs to remain a secret.

I struggle with my weight.

I have probably since about the eighth grade. Right around that time, I remember having to be picky about what shorts I wore because my thighs were bigger and when I walked my thighs would rub together and my shorts would always ride up causing major embarrassment and I would constantly keep pulling them back down. Those are the first memories I have where my weight started causing issues for me.

In high school I was probably about 20 pounds over weight, not enough so that I was isolated among my peers or made fun of, but just enough to make me terribly self conscious and so afraid to speak or do something wrong that would embarrass me. If I could have been invisible during my high school years I would have been. I went on a few crash diets, losing 10 pounds here and there, but because they were super unhealthy and completely unsustainable the weight came back along with a couple extra pounds here and there.

College Years: I had the same insecurities and issues with weight but it didn't seem to matter as much. I had several long term boy friends, lots of friends, and seemed to really find myself and come out of my shell. My freshman year my roommate who was a cheerleader in high school vowed to do what ever it took to not gain the dreaded, "Freshman Fifteen". I didn't even know what the hell it was at first but once she told me I jumped on board too. I was already overweight and didn't need to pack on even more. So the two of us started going to the aerobics classes in the college center every afternoon. I had never exercised religiously a day in my life let alone taken an aerobics class. IT WAS TORTURE! Emotionally and physically. I was so out of breath and every muscle in my body burned and screamed. In my head I thought I looked like a fool and I strategically would place myself at the back of the room so no one would be behind me and see me working out.

Something crazy happened that year. Despite all my fears and my own insecurities, I stuck it out. I went to those classes, every damn afternoon. After a while, they started to get easier. I could keep up with the instructor and the cramps and super huffing and puffing went away. Before I knew it, I was down about 15 pounds! Screw gaining the freshman fifteen, I lost them!! And, I kept them off the entire rest of my college days. I still had weight to lose but at least I managed to get through 4 years of schooling without getting bigger and bigger.

Senior year I started a part time job off campus at a daycare center, and that's where I met the coach. He worked there full time and he was my boss! I finished school, graduated, and moved in with him a couple months later. Being in a relationship might be wonderful for your heart, but it's bad news for your waist line! You get comfortable and more relaxed knowing that someone loves you. You stop being so careful about what your putting in your mouth and the time you spent exercising is now spent with the one you love. I put those 15 pounds back on all that year plus some and it wasn't just because of poor eating and exercising habits. Six months after graduating college, on Halloween night, I found out I was pregnant with the athlete.

Thanks for sharing. I hate to see when women and friends struggle with weight because beauty comes from within and this is the message I want my daughter to learn. It's a hard lesson that I struggle with myself always comparing myself to others.