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Monday, February 15, 2016

Raised right

From a sociopathic identifying reader about how, growing up, her parents actually allowed her to be who she is:

I've been reading your blog for some time now, in addition to reading your book when it came out, and love how you take things on, in a way that reads quite a bit how I would do it. I'm a sociopath as well and found much in common with you.Growing up I was different from early on, I didn't cry like other girls, didn't get upset by the usual things, though on the other hand my patience would wear very thin for a young girl and along with it my ability to tolerate waiting and such. Beyond that I did well in school and did usual stuff like dance lessons. One thing that set me apart from other girls, indeed kids in general, was that I was able to observe people and pick up on how they talked, who paid attention to who and what attention was paid to who. Owing to my achievement at school, I did well without even really trying, my lack of emotional meltdowns and my ability to talk to those older than me and offer up things a girl of 7 or 8 wouldn't ever be expected to, an interesting but very advantageous thing happened. I was seen as being grown up for my age and what's more because of that not just a good girl but a girl who couldn't do any wrong. After all if I'm so smart and so grown up then I must know so well how to behave. So even before I ever actually created my outward mask to show people, one was put upon me. And this is where the issue of environment comes in even more. I grew up in a well to do suburb and since it was fairly settled down people it's the sort of place where not only do you know your next door neighbor, you know the neighbors across the street etc. So it was a place where people just socialized a lot which fed my observing. Also it was a place where at least among the adults everyone was fairly smart and most had degrees to match. Being that smart people who generally like their lives and what they do like to talk about what they do and what they like, I found another benefit. No matter how far my questions about things went, no one ever thought it too out of place. So I was in an environment where a fair bit of my early sociopathy didn't stick out or raise any eyebrows. Also since I was decided to be a good girl, I had it very easy getting away with things. Get a kid to do something and they get caught? Saying I told them to do it would just get them in more trouble. After all I would never tell someone to do something bad. Of course I seized on this and made the most of it. Even when a few times I'd get asked about something, no one ever doubted I was speaking the truth when I said I had no idea about it. It never occurred to anyone I was lying through my teeth. Now the other issue is, my parents. They had me quite young, indeed not only were they not married, they were barely dating. However as luck had it they found they were an ideal pair for each other. Even if I came along well before either expected being a parent, there were no negative consequences for me. Unlike some I never experienced neglect, abuse or anything that would show a sign of being a trigger of my sociopathy, as far as anyone could tell I was just born this way. I also never experienced any sort of lack of stability early on. My parents' parents made sure everything was taken care of and any help my parents needed was always there. As for my parents they found themselves with a daughter that wasn't a challenge exactly but was different. They noticed my lack of crying and getting upset about usual things but given I appeared otherwise normal they just figured I grew out of it.Though eventually they noticed that I wasn't just not getting upset at usual kid stuff I wasn't reacting emotionally to much of anything. But they figured it probably just a matter of adjusting. After all a 6 year old can't be expected to really process some sad news story on TV. Also I wouldn't appear to get as outwardly excited about things like Christmas and I didn't seem to have much feeling to saying things like "I love you".Then as my ability to observe people became more and more apparent and with it my ability to engage people in ways beyond my years they did start thinking I was deeply different. There was also my lying but since it was on the level of telling a friend my mom said I could come over, well doesn't every kid do that? Then eventually my mom pieced together a few things and realized I was not just different but different in ways that were not exactly usual. Namely by watching my reaction to a few things, some that happened in person others that I saw on TV, she recognized I not only didn't feel bad for people in pain, I seemed to enjoy it. Indeed during one relevant TV news story she asked why I was smiling and I said I liked it, that it was cool. At this point you'd expect mom and dad, who was told, to promptly flip their shit. Their smart and grown up for her age daughter isn't just different, but at 8 she's showing signs of no empathy, no remorse and sadism. But they didn't, since I wasn't hurting people actively well let me be and just address things if need be.Then there was, at 9, my swearing which was handled by saying that if I promised to only do it at home I could do it. Plus there was my total lack of sense for any social boundaries, I had no problem not only talking to anyone but just coming up to someone and asking whatever I wanted. Also owing to all my observations of adults I questioned a lot about how things work and are ordered. That came together to make me rather displeased with the idea that at 10 I had to somehow dress my age, why when I'm aware of things as I am do I have to try to act and dress like someone I'm not all the time?My parents' reaction was to deal with me as not what I should be but who I was. Instead of trying to impede me or try to get me to be what I wasn't they just let me be. Mom agreed that yes having rules that apply to every girl my age like they were all the same was silly. So she'd let me get clothes that maybe weren't "age appropriate" and then take me out wearing them. Sure some people might give her looks, but she would rather be who she felt I needed instead of who someone else might think she'd need to be.

249 comments:

Speaking of that, (yeah, A, I know you might feel inclined to nag on me for my megalomania for saying this) I do get people frequently describing me as Spock-like, highly intelligent, even enchanting with my ability to paint within people's minds provocative and profound imagery, prose ladden monologues. My previous mental health therapist even said "Everything you say doesn't have to be so profound you know". I like to think I have a expansive artistic vision, and that's only as useful as much as I utilize it, which is frequently. I want to carve my life into a work of art, to cherish every experience no matter how disastrous or wonderful as things happen as they are meant to be, to leave behind a legacy of a more beautiful world because I was fortunate enough to live out my fleeting existence and have a meaningful impact, however small that may be. Like Helen Keller says, life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. Security was never guaranteed in nature in the first place, so prolonging exposure to risk is no better than just plunging head first into it. That's life. Like when I was running into the night after barely escaping death by strangulation from my sociopathic brother being used as a flying monkey by my narcissist mother, the first man I met that was willing to let me hitch a ride to a new life was the one I took. I think there's great value in believing in the kindness of strangers; people can spend there whole lives never actually getting to even know their next door neighbor because they buy into their own fear, but that's no real way to live, not to me anyways. Maybe the neighbor will have some good weed.

She's certainly got a sharp mind, which I really appreciate in people. I really enjoy stimulating, intellectual, and constructive conversations. It's people like her, North, and other significant commenters of the blog that keep me coming back for more. In so many ways, M.E.'s blogging and the constructive conversations that take place here have helped me out a lot in my personal growth.

Spock kept his emotions in check and he had a full set of emotions. He just worked to be detached from them. Also I'm pretty sure Spock wouldn't be getting friends in trouble let alone enjoying it if they got in trouble. And yeah Spock was raised to be himself but it wasn't like he was just allowed to be however.

Also as the person who wrote what ME posted here, that's my childhood in the post, I didn't get into how things were in my preteen and teen years. Which I don't think anyone would think of as particularly Spock like, except for the lack of emotion at times. Well some things would seem a bit like pon farr for a Vulcan just that it wasn't constant.

Yes, generally speaking, this place can be sharp sometimes, but it is constructive. People here are seeking to improve themselves. We have room here to explore particular energies in our minds that are less welcome or misunderstood in broader society.

It's interesting to see how the energy runs through my mind when I do release it here. It's choice. It always gives me choice. I have felt so angry at him, like the type of angry craving physical expression. But when I can express it, I feel it's deeper. It's frustration. It's disappointments a constellation of stars exploding within me, craving acknowledgement of something stolen, of possibilities dashed, of paths fading to dead ends. And then it's my own voice, craving to create, to fill a richer, vaster landscape. To break the rigid channels and irrigate the previously barren lands and see them flourish.

It's choice. I find I have these choices of how I want to be, who I want to be. It's not rushed or forced, it's a non-preemptive patience.

"I feel it's deeper. It's frustration. It's disappointments a constellation of stars exploding within me, craving acknowledgement of something stolen, of possibilities dashed, of paths fading to dead ends. And then it's my own voice, craving to create, to fill a richer, vaster landscape. To break the rigid channels and irrigate the previously barren lands and see them flourish.

It's choice. I find I have these choices of how I want to be, who I want to be. It's not rushed or forced, it's a non-preemptive patience."

I have endless time to realise myself. Endless time to be. But that still sounds so linear... I mean I break free of linearity. The sense is timeless, like my physical organism and being is less sequential than expansive through time.

And there's a particular sense in which my being extends backwards in time, too. Our brains are physical time capsules. Emotionality creates strong imprints - but can also change the associations we make with our memories. While we don't rewrite history, we can always relearn from our experiences, and create even positive and powerful associations with any particular event. In this way, we create ourselves each day.

Our brains are designed to design realities, and physically the brain is a block universe to be sculpted anew as we choose. The only limit is our own artistic vision and capacity to create useful narrative.

I'm not saying it's a fast process. I am saying, however, that it feels boundless. Patience becomes the gift we give ourselves.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull dayFritter and waste the hours in an off-hand wayKicking around on a piece of ground in your home townWaiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rainYou are young and life is long and there is time to kill todayAnd then one day you find ten years have got behind youNo one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinkingRacing around to come up behind you againThe sun is the same in a relative way, but you're olderShorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the timePlans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled linesHanging on in quiet desperation is the English wayThe time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home againI like to be here when I canWhen I come home cold and tiredIt's good to warm my bones beside the fireFar away, across the fieldThe tolling of the iron bellCalls the faithful to their kneesTo hear the softly spoken magic spell

North I really don't care for weed:-) but I think it's interesting that sociopaths seem to respond so positively towards it. That and some antianxiety drugs-which I also don't care for. I have noticed such a change in my memory concerning the sociopath. I basically have no memory of them. I'm sure it is my mind protecting itself but it is very frustrating nonetheless. Have you experienced this?

Yerba Mate is a South American herbaceous tea. Tastes wonderful, a little like green tea with a hint of bitterness, but has more caffeine than regular tea. I find it a very little psychoactive, meaning I feel buoyant and very creative and tend to link ideas more easily in interesting ways. It's very cheap, too, would be USD$7 or 8 per kilo. Awesome.

Anon 9:17: it is interesting. I suppose it must be s pleasant experience to both feel and sense things more deeply while being in a relaxed state.

I think my memories are more resolved than locked away. I've done a lot of processing- you may have seen the tail end of it here in my little rants. The memories are still vivid when recalled, though, perhaps in a similar way to childbirth.

It's different with memories of my ex-husband (narc.) I remember less of him and I don't tend to recall the abusive stuff unless I really try to. I guess there's only so much volume I can process. The psychopath's abuse was like a knife wound - burning and explicit. My ex husband's was a slow poisoning with serious abuses interspersed that I was already numbed to. I'm not ready to process that stuff and don't like to think about it.

North I will have to check out that tea. That sounds more like my kinda thing. I'm sorry you had to experience that from two people. My situation isn't exactly the same but I did have to deal with more than one person simultaneously who were working-together-against me. It was endless abuse with a knife in the back for the finale. One is a textbook sociopath. The other is yet to be identified.

I really wish I could understand the role of the other person. They seemed almost like the chorus-i get my literary terms confused. Like they were just there to echo the storyline. I know it's much more insidious though. I understsnd what you mean about forgetting because you've already worked thru things. I think that's true of half the story. And thank you for listening :-)

Hmmm more like Bonnie and Clyde and then I came into the picture and it turns out Bonnie is a real basic bitch. But I trusted both Bonnie and Clyde because they led me to believe I could but mostly because contrary to popular belief Clyde is a really nice guy. :-) or so I thought.

I just really trusted Clyde and he seemed very kind and good. But he backed up all of Bonnie's lies. He must know what Bonnie is. He must be like her even if hewawasn't abusive like she was. And he really wasn't.

The shock of the foreign; so hard to imagine that people are not as we expect.

A diabolical dynamic. Was it definitely Bonnie driving the relationship with Clyde in a supporting role? What else did Clyde get up to?

**-* always presented as polite and softly-spoken. He didn't swear or raise his voice, never told me what to do, never spoke badly of me or rudely to me. "I am kind to everyone" he says. But his speciality was creating expectations and breaking them. Frustration as a foundation for manipulation attempts. His was just a game with me. In his terms, he got my King but couldn't take the Queen. He called it stalemate.

Bonnie sensed my admiration for Clyde and encouraged it. Bonnie was definitely the leader of the gang. Or else Clyde was much better at the whole game-letting Bonnie take the fall-and walking away. Halo intact. Clyde sounds very much like **_* is his demeanor. But when it came down to it all that kindness evaporated.

I've been reflecting for a bit on the origins of my sociopathy this morning, and I was ruminating about a seizure I had at an early age.

"Detailed psychological and personality assessments of patients with temporal lobe epilepsy suggests a high incidence of psychopathic-like behavior. Indeed, some studies have reported that pre-operatively the prevalence of psychopathic-like behaviors is as high as 70% of patients with structures that are commonly implicated in temporal lobe epilepsy include the amygdala, hippocampus, parahippocampal gyrus, and anterior superior temporal gyrus (temporal pole)." ~ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2765815/

I remember the event, when me and my brother were having a snowball fight. He hit me in the head with a heavily packed ball and I fell backwards onto the ground and had a seizure; my brother stood over and watched me as it happened, and when I came out of it and asked what happened he said he didn't know, that I was just lying there and shaking.

I wouldn't disregard cause by genetics though, for example I remember clearly prior to that event how it was so clear to me how I couldn't really empathize with animals, I couldn't understand what made people think they could project human emotions onto animals. My father was a thrill seeker, a party animal, charismatic according to my mother, and a lover of fast muscle cars. His shallow affect put a strain on his marriage with my mother, as I would now understand it to be, and consequently how their marriage eventually collapsed into divorce.

So I'm wondering if now for me it's a combination of genetics, genetically induced sociopathy intensified by damage to the right brain regions via seizure. Is it possible?

It could be. After all, just because somebody is genetically predisposed to something (let's say towards faster metabolism or lung cancer), it doesn't mean that it will happen, only that there is a higher chance, a potential of it happening. Maybe somebody can cause those "dormant" genes to "activate" to a degree (either by accident or intentonally, through practice and repetition), but also they might just lay there, essentially doing nothing but getting passed on - for the person, if they're not activated, they might as well not exist.

I can only speak from my experience - as I have written before, my mother's side of the family (including my mother) are all overwhelmingly sociopathic, so that may mean that I was genetically predisposed towards "sociopathy" (as I remember it, I did have a few, as I consider them, sociopathic tendencies, such as instinctive dislike and non-understanding for "love" until I was 16 or so, general dislike for emotional expression, reacting impulsively if I wasn't left to do my thing, thrill-seeking, etc.), but, those genes didn't make me manipulate, feel guiltless and remorseless, or become sociopathic, as I suspect they merely gave me ASPD - it was of my own volition and practice.

So, maybe it was both genetics and your "misshap". Maybe you'd be merely ASPD but not sociopathic if it wasn't for the seizure. But maybe it only hastened the process, as you'd become sociopathic anyway?

**-* related a story to me a few times about being electrocuted in a shower, then falling and hitting his head. He said after that he had visions of demons and his mother tried using an exorcist.

My feeling is that his psychopathy is genetic. Although he didn't tell me stories about his father, he did tell others at work and our boss even mentioned this in a speech, saying 'it's the quiet ones you have to watch.' **-* also said numerous times that his son has his wife's personality and was getting in fights at school - I'm certain this is projection and what he meant was the child is psychopathic like him.

Well, I was "the quiet one", and if my experience means anything, those types will tend to "go big or go home". They'd rather finish the project they started and are interested in, and do it in as high quality as possible, than to leave it half-done or merely "adequate".

So, what he probably meant was that, if they are working towards the psychopaths goal, they might overshoot the "mark", or if going against the psychopath, be ready to sacrifice whatever is necessary for the "project". The quiet ones tend to be hard to control, but will always stay loyal to you (unless, of course, you mistake him for a fool and a tool to use).Of course, a lot of the "quiet ones" are just cowards living out a fantasy of "I can become the monster if pushed hard enough", and will always succumb to pressure, never improving, always stagnating, and those I consider "fake quiet ones".

Genetics would explain sociopaths who have no obvious outward triggers and who had as such nothing to really react to to bring about how they are. In my case I just am how I am and have always been. I think for some people the idea of just being sociopathic by birth as opposed to being predisposed to it and then having something trigger it is something they don't like to ponder much. And that can go for sociopaths and not just those who try to categorize sociopaths and so on. In my case, this is how I've always been. So anyone claiming that raising a kid a certain way can do an end around a child growing to be a sociopath is going to have an issue. Also for some sociopaths I think the idea something triggered how they are can, even in the absence of any concrete idea of what the trigger was, provide a sense of ease. For some it's easier to cope with the idea of being shaped into who they are than being born that way.

Granted all that gets into how a sociopath feels about who they are. Which to a degree is going to be shaped by environment.

ESTP, North, & Socioempath-All of your posts really "hit the mark". I believe my husband is an undiagnosed psychopath/sociopath. He has admitted this, and thinks he inherited it from his mother. He has also had two brain traumas. His brother hit him in the head with a baseball bat (accidentally), when he was very young, that required major stitches. He was also in a severe car accident as a teenager, that he almost didn't survive. I know there was coma, bleeding on or in the brain, and massive stitches...

PS-I find the correlation between head trauma and aggression/violence very interesting. They are starting to notice that football players with increasing numbers of head traumas, become increasingly aggressive/violent, in a lot of cases...

If anyone does any research on this, would you please share it with the rest of us???

Vegas;I didn't look that much into the relationship between brain trauma and psychopathy/sociopathy, but the wikipedia article seems to explain the trauma theory shortly yet nicely:"Researchers have linked head injuries with psychopathy and violence. Since the 1980s, scientists have associated traumatic brain injury, such as damage to the prefrontal cortex, including the orbitofrontal cortex, with psychopathic behavior and an inability to make morally and socially acceptable decisions. Children with early damage in the prefrontal cortex may never fully develop social or moral reasoning and become "psychopathic individuals ... characterized by high levels of aggression and antisocial behavior performed without guilt or empathy for their victims". Additionally, damage to the amygdala may impair the ability of the prefrontal cortex to interpret feedback from the limbic system, which could result in uninhibited signals that manifest in violent and aggressive behavior."

Anyway, I suspect brain trauma can be the "trigger", but, a lot of sociopath with relatively normal lives without trauma still turned out sociopathic.If somebody was predisposed towards it, but still didn't turn out sociopathic, that brain trauma may inadvertently be the "key" that unleashes it, especially if the brain is young and still developing neural connections...

As for my sign? I don't believe in signs, but, oh well, here you go - mine is sagittarius.

I've been thinking a little, and came to the conclusion, that that the fastest and really accurate way to distinguish between the "quiet ones" and the "posers" is by passive-agressiveness - if you put pressure, "posers" will try to bring you down by talking behind your back, while "real ones" won't, preferring just to avoid or forgive you.

Well, since my stubborn mind couldn't accept the state I was in, I had to adapt or die, somehow...Turns out, besides socioempathy, what I needed was patience, determination, discipline, enjoying the journey...And never stagnating, always trying out new things - stagnation is a killer :-)

I was at one time concerned that after this burst of aftermath energy subsides, I would struggle with stagnation. But it's no longer a concern! How can I ever run out of curiosity and avenues to explore, tiny human that I am.

Vegas, **-* is a quiet one. He does set himself challenging games, or did with me, but seemed content with stalemate. He will not, however, play a game he conceives of losing. Of that I am certain. His world, his map of the universe, is too limited for me and he cannot adapt beyond his current map boundaries.

You can call him Francois. That was the name he gave to his "imaginary friend." I will still call him **-*.

"Planet Vulcan" is rumored to be the (secret) ruler of Virgo, the human half of Scorpio, in the zodiac. Icy people with uber-intelligence, according to some people. "The Sfinx" many think is associated with leo, but this mythological creature is "virgoan". It wanted to "play games", it asked riddles & if the answer was wrong the unfortunate player was ripped apart by very sharp claws..

As long as loud-mouthed people, bragging turds & people trying to "take command" of conversations by being rude stay far away from Scorpio, there seldom is any problem at all. I wrote about the movie Curve some time ago, and the baddie in that flick remind me of Scorpio: if one does not "invite trouble", nothing will likely happen. Even if the scorp in question is hair-trigger aggressive and sometimes daydream about heads on sticks. With "rogue Aquarians" one never knows, these are unpredictable and should be avoided..

"My parents' reaction was to deal with me as not what I should be but who I was. Instead of trying to impede me or try to get me to be what I wasn't they just let me be. Mom agreed that yes having rules that apply to every girl my age like they were all the same was silly. So she'd let me get clothes that maybe weren't "age appropriate" and then take me out wearing them. Sure some people might give her looks, but she would rather be who she felt I needed instead of who someone else might think she'd need to be."

Her parents let her be because apparently at least one of them is sociopathic also. That's where she got it from. I have relatives who have a full on psychopathic parent and they never speak about them negatively, even though they are not themselves as psycho. I would not be surprised if this woman did not have a fantastic upbringing as she claims.

At least one relative of mine - with a psychopathic mother (she's literally a devil in the classic sense) - has made a massive recovery recently and is no longer as lost & indifferent as he was only a few months ago. We were on a trip together for religious reasons and wham he literally made a 90 degrees shift towards empathy. So don't believe any lying sellout here when they say sociopathy is not "curable." God is in control...it's called repentance. It's actually good for you - you feel free and alive. The price? Your arrogance and solipsism.

One side of my family is swamped in psychopathy & sociopathy. So what? I have difficulty expressing deep emotions and am not the best person to go to if you need a hug - that despite everything else I've gone thru in my life (in addition to sociopathic genes in the family). I still have a very strong moral code and would go out of my way to help - NOT abuse - people I care about. I value honesty more than anything, in fact I think I'm so extreme in this regard because I have inherited a partial understanding of sociopathy and I detest it that much more. A year ago I was far, far less empathetic than I am now (albeit a moral exemplar compared to psychos).

Do not let anyone tell you that you can't come out of this diseased state of mind. Of course the chances are low that you'll want to if you're already in it but it can be done if you have SOME integrity and humility and are willing to trust in God.

How could I have been so blind? I never thought sociopathy was just a matter of simple choice. So easy! Let's disregard all that we know and listen to Jonaid! He's the expert of experts, he knows all there is to know!Watch out, everyone! Jonaid's coming and he's gonna change history with his all-encompasing wisdom concerning sociopathy!

I was on a dark, corrupted path of satan. Raping, killing, stealing, those are just some of the "talents" I used to have. I was so bad, I would've went to hell and taken it over!

The moment I laid my eyes upon this unselfish blessed comment, undeniably bristling with wisdom, was the exact moment I was enlightened!I was so goodified, a golden light of redemption appeared, engulfing my sinful body and soul, a cleansing beam completely scrubbing away all my rottenness and filthiness!I was lost, but now I am found!I was blind, but now I can see!I hath called, for thy Lord, and thy Lord, answered!Suddenly, the walls around my house turned into nothingness, and He came, thundering down like a million trucks! He came down, to bring me a message! It took me 4573 years, 7 months, 23 days, 15 hours, 39 minutes, 55 seconds, 666 milliseconds, but finally, it was clear to me... Clear as Everclear!

I bring you His message;

Hahahhahahahahahhahahahha! Jonaid, you are one of the most determined ignoramus dimwits I have ever seen! My god, your life must be so pathethic and boring for you to come here and spread your hate-fueled propaganda drivel. What is it you hope to accomplish? No way in hell anybody's gonna listen to you. But if you enjoy wasting your time, making us laugh and facepalm, well, then... Dance, monkey, dance!

Actually, I didn't get it from anyone. I'm unique in my immediate and even close extended family. And my parents are definitely not like me. They're very much every day empaths. Just because they accepted me then and through my teens and into adulthood doesn't mean they're not empaths. They're just empaths who you know actually can accept someone different from them.

Jonaid. If half your family is sociopathic, you will always manifest some of these traits. Do you understand this? It encoded within your DNA. And all those shitty experiences you had over the course of your life left epigenetic markers that you will pass on to your own offspring someday, if you can vanquish your homosexuality. I am using scientific language to refer to what the Bible calls generational curses. You equate sociopathy and psychopathy with sin, but what you are seeing is the shape that sin takes in individuals with sociopathic traits.

When you compare yourself favorably to the ones who mistreated you, you belie your misunderstanding of a foundational truth: that we are all in various states of depravity. All have fallen short of the glory of God, in whose image we are created. Stop being so prideful. Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. Don’t follow the example of a man who teaches you to behead and mutilate them. Some acts are never justified by their context.

The God you serve is fake. You’ve been duped by a charlatan.

You *really* need to watch this example of poetic justice at its finest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Emu_996gVXE

This guy became a Christian in prison while serving time for bashing his father’s head open with a hammer. He is a psychopath- no doubt about it. In fact, I had him pegged within the first five minutes of watching one of his vids … He was enjoying the process of ripping through Islam just a little bit too much. I’d recognize that sadistic penchant anywhere. And yet- there is such exquisite beauty in how he hones in on all of the theological weak points of Islam with laser like precision, exposing and dismantling every lie with razor sharp wit. He is perfectly shaped to do exactly what he is doing- and what a service it is.

God sees your heart, Jonaid, but the imposter in whom you have placed your faith and trust is unworthy of it, and keeps you from a full knowledge of the Truth. You think you are here to enlighten others, but perhaps it is you who is here to be enlightened. Maybe you need to humble yourself before God, and accept that He has chosen to reveal Himself to you through someone just like the ones you came here seeking to demonize.

I meant I didn't get it from anyone in the sense of having someone around me to pick it up from by experience. Also had no experiences to trigger anything, like some sort of trauma.

Interesting so far not much has come of the parent side of it. Have had people who've had a very hard time comprehending my parents could just let me be me. Granted what I wrote to ME and thus what's posted here only goes up until I was 10 since I was already pretty long winded. Was thinking maybe some people would want to know about things after that age. Also interesting how so few sociopaths get acceptance early on from their own parents.

Vegas, I was thinking something along those terms, but reading the page, it makes sense to me that sociopath genes could be codominant:

"In codominant inheritance, two different versions (alleles) of a gene are expressed, and each version makes a slightly different protein (illustration). Both alleles influence the genetic trait or determine the characteristics of the genetic condition."

I did wonder when I read it why the narrative ended at 10, but then became immersed in the comments section.

I have a friend whose child - by her reports - might be psychopathic. It's thoroughly interesting to hear these reports; I feel the same sort of fascination I did when I worked out **-* was a psychopath. It's a genuine wonder at a style or mode of operation that is inherently different to me own. And yet I see similar drivers at the level of the organism, albeit prioritised differently.

I just stopped at 10 to keep it from getting longer. Interesting to hear about your friend, I've dealt with that with my own friends a couple times. As for the rest of my story I'll get that up here in the comments though later, need to get some sleep

From what I understand of genetics, the slightest thing can be responsible for switching some genes on and other genes off - stuff like what the mother eats in pregnancy, nutrition and environment in the first few days/weeks of life. It doesn't always have to be some big trauma or severe neglect that causes some personality disorder, it can just be almost random through some quirk of genetics and luck, that's why if I were ever to go to therapy I'd prefer more like a CBT or life coaching approach where they concentrate on your behaviour in the here and now rather than an analyst who spends a lot of time dwelling on childhood stuff

There's a fire starting in my heartReaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the darkFinally I can see you crystal clear[Clean version:] Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare[Explicit version:] Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bareSee how I leave with every piece of youDon't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heartReaching a fever pitchAnd it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of usThey keep me thinking that we almost had it allThe scars of your love, they leave me breathlessI can't help feelingWe could have had it all(You're gonna wish you never had met me)Rolling in the deep(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)You had my heart inside of your hand(You're gonna wish you never had met me)And you played it, to the beat(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be toldBut I've heard one on youAnd I'm gonna make your head burnThink of me in the depths of your despairMake a home down thereAs mine sure won't be shared

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)The scars of your love remind me of us(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)They keep me thinking that we almost had it all(You're gonna wish you never had met me)The scars of your love, they leave me breathless(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)I can't help feelingWe could have had it all(You're gonna wish you never had met me)Rolling in the deep(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)You had my heart inside of your hand(You're gonna wish you never had met me)And you played it, to the beat(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)We could have had it allRolling in the deepYou had my heart inside of your handBut you played it, with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door (woah)Count your blessings to find what you look for (woah)Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (woah)You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (woah)(You're gonna wish you never had met me)We could have had it all(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)We could have had it all(You're gonna wish you never had met me)It all, it all, it all(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all(You're gonna wish you never had met me)Rolling in the deep(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)You had my heart inside of your hand(You're gonna wish you never had met me)And you played it to the beat(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all(You're gonna wish you never had met me)Rolling in the deep(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)You had my heart inside of your hand(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

I successfully struck down the malignant narcissist in my life, the woman I thought had enough intelligence to be better informed as to not hold prejudice against me for my inherent personality traits, the woman I took a leap of faith with because we fought together to get off the streets. I shredded through her web of lies and took away her power for the moment for her to run her malicious smear campaign against me for what I am, as that is the motivation I see behind her actions with the objective evidence available.

She tried to provoke me with her vilification of me while we both spoke with a mediator present, and my irritation escalated to annihilating rage, my vision becoming tunneled and red envisioning how I could leap across the room and snap her neck, but I powered past it and made it clear that her narcissist sadism has no power over me. She tried to use the police as her flying monkeys, I used my power of staunch diplomacy to make the objective evidence of her malicious intentions clear to them. She's threatened to bring the gangbangers of her crime family down upon me as her flying monkeys, let them come. I am fearless in the face of adversity.

On the bright side, I took some time to educate the mediator of the reality of what sociopaths struggle with in society, as the narcissist outed me as a sociopath in our conversation. We had such a constructive conversation that she's interested in developing an honest friendship with me to let me be myself and not my mask of normalcy. She'll be worth investing in I think.

Yes. Every moment of our lives, however disastrous or wonderful is to be cherished; every experience is a opportunity to gleam new knowledge to better shape our lives into the work of art it is meant to be.

Ahh ok, I read it again and I get it now, think I misunderstood 'mediator'. I looked up 'flying monkeys' also... I had no idea there are so many forums and blogs and Twitter accounts for victims of narcissists out there, it is like a whole new world!! There are literally hundreds. Lucky I am not into trolling or I would be lost on the internet forever now

"You equate sociopathy and psychopathy with sin, but what you are seeing is the shape that sin takes in individuals with sociopathic traits."

I have never equated the state of mind wherein empathy is diminished or by default lacking to sin. Firstly you have to realize that "original sin" does not exist in Islam. Sin cannot be inherited. So a predisposition to sociopathic traits is not a "sin" on your part...it is likely on the part of your parent(s) or their parent (s) etc. An individual is only guilty and "sinful" to the extent that they're aware of the ethical implications of their actions and to the extent that they can control themselves. If you have full control over your mental faculties and still act in sociopathic ways - motivated by a desire for power or because of lust, envy, greed etc - than you're a sinner and guilty. You know what your intentions no one else except God does.

A couple of examples which might help clear up any misunderstandings about the Islamic stance on sin:

1) A prostitute in the desserts of Arabia comes across a well. She's dying of thirst and throws in her shoe to fetch some water. When she finally gets it up, she sees a dog also dying of thirst. She gives her water to the dog and ends up dying herself. It is said that she was forgiven and will enter paradise because of this deed. Now the obvious message is that no its not just this one deed - this woman may have been living in "sin" on the outside but she had a good heart and it shows.

2) A man has murdered a 100 people and seeks repentance. He's told he must travel to a certain destination where he can be forgiven if he's sincere. On the way there, he comes across a priest and tells him his story. The priest says "you're a murderer there's no way you can be forgiven, it's hopeless for you." The man murders the priest in despair and proceeds to the destination. He ends up dying before getting there. It is said that he was forgiven and entered paradise because he died seeking God's mercy.

There is a lot of wisdom in these two stories but I can't help but think a psycho or two will caricature the message. Let's see.

A boring, caricatured and uninspired reply, completely oozing of fabrication, artificiality and pandering. Comparing his comments reveals hypocrisies and lies, which completely and utterly contradict his claims. I won't even try to dignify this with a decent formal analysis.Jonaid "copycat herpes", you get a zero. F-.

Please forgive me, but I am confused by your response. I have studied Islam extensively, and I have never read any Surahs or Hadith extolling the benevolent perspective you shared above. At best, their teachings are inconsistent; at worst, they are rambling, incoherent, and patently illogical, whilst advocating for violence and barbarism. I would gladly share examples with you, but I am sure that by now, on this blog in particular, you have been confronted with the many contradictory and immoral teachings encompassed within your holy books.

Did you watch the video I posted regarding to the death of Muhammad?

What are your thoughts concerning the fact that your prophet (pbuh) was deceived and murdered by a Jewish woman, after he slaughtered her entire family? Why do you think Muhammad- a man you claim spoke the very words of God- was unable to identify the poison which killed him in precisely the manner that he said was reserved for false prophets? This is very confounding to me.

Muhammad (pbuh) was killed by a Jewish woman whose family he and his men slaughtered. Perhaps you will claim that these acts were somehow justified by their historical context? And yet, even after suffering this indignity, she allowed for the possibility that Muhammad (pbuh) was truly a prophet, in the following astute assessment:

"If you were truly a Prophet, you would not have eaten the poison. But if you are a king, I will have rid the land of you"

Clearly, this woman considered her actions to be publically defensible, because Muhammad (pbuh) and his men had decimated all of her relatives. The Prophet informed her that Allah would never permit that her actions should result in his demise- and yet, history proved him wrong. He died at her hands.

If Prophet Muhammad (pvuh) was wrong about God in that instance, why should I believe what he says about God in any other? And why should I trust in the teachings of such a man for the security of my soul?

Please, DON'T give him ammunition. He's a narcissist. Logical arguing has already been tried countless times with this guy and won't work, he just wastes everyone's time and takes up space.And guess what that means 3:-)

Imo it would be better if ME just created a different, more simple forum for the people on the comments section here and anybody who wants to migrate from SC. that place has got a really teenage vibe and it's maybe not so in keeping with the tone of this place, but I do like the idea of having a forum here

OP (if you're still around) are you an only child? Do you maybe think that some of your precociousness as a young child was just something that happens to only children when they're brought up in an environment where they are more used to interacting with adults than children their own age? Not trying to cast doubt that you are a socio, just that it is difficult to tell what personality traits are from the disorder and what would have been there anyway. It is interesting to me what details you chose to include and perhaps what you left out...you seem to have very clear memories of your childhood. Have you ever talked to your parents to see if they remember things the same way you do? And what prompted this bout of introspection anyway?

I'm here and yeah I'm an only child. As for the rest, I was going to cover some of it when I write about my life after the age of 10 here in the comments. As for what that doesn't cover, I'll answer. I'd do it now but I'm sitting here yawning and about to go sleep but I will do it later.

As for what else you asked, I do think my being an only child had a fair bit to do with my being precocious as I was. Sure I had my friends but I spent more time interacting with adults than they did as I had no siblings. Also given how very different I am from my parents and anyone in my family I was around, I wasn't picking it up from them. Also not only my parents have commented that even early on I was different from other kids.

I have asked my parents about my childhood memories and they say my memories fit with their own. That how I remember things is how it was, even if some details differ that's just because of my age at the time and what I could take in. As for what caused this introspection, well just hit me that through all these hundreds of posts and so many comments I'd never seen anyone say they grew up with parents who just accepted them as they were. Who provided a home where it was ok to be yourself. I've brought up details of my life before in different places over the years so it's nothing really new for me, just having not seen someone with a similar experience I figured I'd email ME with my experience and see if perhaps she's come across someone similar. And then she asked if I'd be ok with her publishing what I wrote her, which obviously I was.

Let it go already, you are flogging a dead horse as they say XD I don't think ME would want her blog associated with the link you posted or some of the dodgy stuff that occasionally gets posted on that forum, or that the members of either place would really want both places linked (if that makes sense...)

Think about what was in the link you posted though - if you ran a blog to make money from it, maybe that journalists write about and have a book from it, would you really want that kinda stuff associated from it? You are saying that she is the one who kinda started the forum but I can understand if she doesn't wanna be associated with it, either because of the teenagery cringe factor or legally dodgy stuff

Alright, but ME could just explain all that instead of just obsessively deleting my comment. It's not like I can bend her to my will through words.

There is a disclaimer for the comments where it says ME is not responsible for what's in them. ME's always advocated freedom of speech and lack of moderation, and the reason she even cut off the forum was because Luna started acting up, banning people and moderating the place in a short-lasting fit. And as I said, Luna is not admin there anymore.

It would be disappointing if ME became greedy enough to censor things to keep up a "good image". Sad if she turned from defiant and tongue in cheek, to just another greedy people pleaser...

Yeah, I get your point, but I guess sometimes you have to put your own interests first, and if that means going against your principles, well, it's just what has to be done. Of course I'm just speculating though, perhaps her motives are something different.

Hello ME. I have been a follower of your blog for almost 3 years now. Your blog was responsible for starting quite a fun and drama-filled community centered around your initial sociopath-oriented nabble forum. The nabble forum got reported a couple of years ago for some unfit content and, as you know, the people there migrated to another site called "Sociopath Community" (http://sociopath-community.com/) under the admin care of Luna Prey. Luna Prey was young and kinda narcy, gave us some trouble a few times by not respecting our moderation-free rules... After the situation got reported to you, you removed the separate tab on your blog that linked directly to the Sociopath Community forum and the blog and the forum kinda drifted apart.

A few weeks ago a massive drama shit-stir happened on sociopath-community which ended in Luna being doxed and her retiring from the administration of the forum. She's gone now, and the only admin there is Luna's more mature brother, who luckily enough doesn't care enough about the forum to interfere with the natural dynamics of an unmoderated place. (http://sociopath-community.com/posts/56a9f6e4e7b4397667ceda38)

In the end, in a way, the sociopath-community is your twisted baby after all. Please at least consider our request. Your blog would, of course, be linked on the front page of Sociopath Community, so the move would be beneficial to both the sites.

My email is bodthrowaway@gmail.com if you wish to further discuss the matter.

This part keeps getting deleted: http://i.imgur.com/E4fLoud.png. Maybe it's the last link;s fault? I'll try again without it.

This is to ask you, if possible, to re-link the Sociopath-Community forum in a more visible separate tab, in your blog. It is linked just in the FAQ section at the moment, but I believe it deserves more attention than that. The sociopath community is unique in its own way, with a lot of cluster B personalities interacting there, and an active chat... It has quite a rich history, which includes stuff ranging from marriages between like-minded people who met there, to getting media attention after a poster there murdered his grandfather

I applaud your diplomatic approach, Edvard. I'm sure M.E. will take your input with critical consideration at least and do what she thinks is best for the future of the blog. If anything, regardless if whether or not Sociopath Community is officially connected with Sociopath World, it will still forever be associated with it, past history will not be forgotten so easily. If anything, I suggest that those from Sociopath Community be more active within the comments section of M.E.'s blog posts and refer people to Sociopath Community for possible further constructive conversations.

Why did you take what I would freely have given? I acknowledge your different mode of existence but I do not hold you in high regard for this. It's an infringement on my free will and it's contemptible behaviour.

Hold yourself to a higher standard and the universe will provide infinitely more. It is you who restrict your own experience. Learn more, open more - that's the most fruitful way for all of us.

"I've seen your flag on the marble arch but love is not a victory march." ~Leonard Cohen

I wrote it here because I can't really give it to him. It would be easy for him to get a restraining order, especially until Friday, which is when the period of our mutual obligation to the court to not contact each other expires.

Scorpio is worse than sociopaths, I´ve been thinking about this. Socios are so "connected" to other humans, they cannot leave mankind. Scorpio is not a part of this. Scorpio does not use phony grins. He has withdrawn, cannot be bothered. HE is anti-man. The psycho in comparison is just like some sketch or pieces held toghether by thread. A half-life tryng to imitate. There is nothing "half" or broken with Scorpio.

Looking at it nowIt all seems so simpleWe were lying on your couchI rememberYou took a Polaroid of usThen discovered (then discovered)The rest of the world was black and whiteBut we were in screaming colorAnd I remember thinking…

[Chorus 2x:]Are we out of the woods yet?Are we out of the woods yet?Are we out of the woods yet?Are we out of the woods?Are we in the clear yet?Are we in the clear yet?Are we in the clear yet?In the clear yet?Good

Are we out of the woods?

Looking at it nowLast December (last December)We were built to fall apartThen fall back together (back together)Your necklace hanging from my neckThe night we couldn't quite forgetWhen we decided (we decided)To move the furniture so we could dance,Baby, like we stood a chanceTwo paper airplanes flying, flying, flyingAnd I remember thinkin'

[Chorus 2x]

(Are we out of the woods?!)

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?Twenty stitches in the hospital roomWhen you started cryin', baby, I did, tooBut when the sun came up, I was lookin' at youRemember when we couldn't take the heatI walked out and said, "I'm settin' you free,"But the monsters turned out to be just treesAnd when the sun came up, you were lookin' at meYou were lookin' at meYou were lookin' at me,I remember, oh, I remember

There's obviously the fear factor which causes people to hide their true identities but no doubt there's also the shame factor. I bet there are many (or few...who knows it looks like 2/3 people are actively chatting here with mutliple IDs) folks who would not speak like the way they write here in person out of some left-over shame. At least I hope that's the case.

Now I say that as someone who used to - in my ignorant days - make distasteful jokes or comments but even then I never meant any of it. I wonder if sociopaths, at least privately, desire to better themselves.

Well, I can see your posts are getting more "creative", and you aren't afraid to create your own theories (for example, your signs theory - I could've easily debunked it, but it seems to genuinely work for you, and it helps you grow, so I left it so you could develop your creative mind; if it works for you, then by all means use it).

I have also developed my own "emotional sense" concerning texts - just as with talking in real life, for me comments here contain "intended" and "unintended" emotional tells (I'm always experimenting with this, so I could make a mistake, but who cares), so I guess I picked up on your newfound enthusiasm for creation and action, so I wanted to encourage you to develop.

I am "stoking the flames", and am SO READY, for action and new creation!!!

I loved Dio's "Stand Up and Shout"!!!

Here's one for you.:) It may be a little bit "soft" for you, but I think you might like it!!!

Audioslave

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1mexmK6bDY

"Original Fire"

The original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves on

With a pen in one hand taking us and drugged on kerosene'84 and 5 would find us something to believeRight or wrong with dirty hands on wiresSinging songs in dischord choirsScreaming in braille no temptress prizeCould ever yield anything so real

The original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves on

Golden soldiers born much older than they'll ever live to beDiving into a sea of hands in a long forgotten cityHere the rain falls ever afterThe swinging vines hang dead in raftersBlood rush to your head induces laughter endlessly

The original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and long goneBut the riot inside moves on

Can't explain that it was somethin' to seeCan't contain so somethin' ever realEver realHey!

Can't explain it was somethin' to seeCan't contain so somethin' ever realEver real

The original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves onThe original fire has died and goneBut the riot inside moves on

My father did this to my mother during the time they were separated, frequently. Ever the opportunist, he would pick me up where I shouldn't have been hanging out, and grill me about my mother's activities over a fat blunt.

Psychopaths bond weakly. But when a psychopath actually manages to forge a strong bond with someone, it is VERY strong. They may be tremendously possessive. In my father's mind, it is as though he owns my mother. He obsessed over her, whilst fucking a handful of other women on the side.

So to continue on from when I was 10, part of what came with getting to where what I wanted to wear was trips out with my mom. I got it that hanging around near home might get some reactions for me and also for my parents, as dumb as I found it I got that people feel a certain way and that's that. And this was a start of my world getting bigger, as I got to observe more people and what's more unlike before when I'd go somewhere with my parents my mom would let me linger if I was overhearing something or wanting to watch someone. Sometimes I'd tell her what I'd observed and she'd ask how I now and I would point things out and she'd wonder how I could see what she couldn't. Also she'd ask about what I thought of certain things and I'd tell her about someone having someone's attention or being seeing how someone has control in some way.

Also at 10 I started hanging out in the local Main Street district, which at the time seemed far bigger than it is. And besides the fun of getting to hang out there with friends there were all the people to watch and meet. There were kids who went to a couple other schools who would frequent there and I rapidly became friends with a good number. My parents discovered after a while that I wasn't always hanging out with friends when I'd go and that if a friend's parent saw me I'd make up some lie about waiting on a friend or something. Also with new friends and being out and about on my own I also did more manipulating, from the fairly innocent to the not innocent. And I started also letting my parents know about that part of me. Like one time a friend's dad saw me in front of the ice cream shop and seeing me standing there asked if I was getting ice cream. I told him I would but I left my money at home, at which point he offered to buy me some. Meanwhile I was standing there with $10 in my pocket. My dad found things like that the mark of someone who'd do well somewhere higher up in the corporate world, after all getting someone to do something without them even being aware I was twisting them into doing it gets called leadership. My parents did say they worried I might lose some friends but I said I didn't really care, friends are nice but if they stop being a friend, well that's that. And that was when they first really saw how differently I relate to people and though they found it a bit cold they also saw that I wasn't out to tear my friendships apart so it's just another part of how I am.

And then my parents started getting even more of a sense of who I was and would be. In my trips out with my mom we'd stop and book stores and also a record store chain that had a pretty huge magazine selection. In thumbing through pop psychology stuff and getting angry at how every mention of anything considered abnormal my mom saw that I was aware that I'm not like others, that I was aware it's more than I'm just different, and that I don't think how I am is somehow wrong or defective. As I would huff about how is someone to judge someone for not playing by the rules or dealing with people a certain way, I would explain what I found wrong with it and how whoever wrote it had no idea what they were talking about but they would never let someone show them otherwise. (cont...)

(cont..) Besides that what I discovered near when I turned 12 at one of the record store locations was that owing to the layout of the magazine racks you couldn't tell if someone was looking in the adult section of the racks if they were bent down or squatting down. If I was there I could easily make it look like I was over a few feet at the fashion magazines. And while a fair number of the magazines came wrapped in plastic many didn't and among them were magazines about BDSM, where I found that there are people who like receiving pain and that within certain settings it's acceptable to be someone who inflicts pain on someone. There were also some other magazines where I found it dumb they were in the adult section just because of what they showed people wearing or because they would show women who were half naked but not really showing anything. After a couple times of seeing me crouched down at the adult section my mom, who I'd told what I saw and liked, would keep watch for me. And then seeing my interest took to buying the magazines for me since obviously I couldn't take them to the counter myself. At first I could see was a bit apprehensive and I'd tell her she's only feeling that way because of what she's been taught and that no one there would imagine that she's buying the magazines for her preteen daughter standing 30 feet away. After all, girls aren't into that stuff at my age and no good mom, which she clearly was would buy them for her kid. The first time I mentioned it, she laughed and said if I wasn't her daughter my ability to not care about social rules and to get how people think would unnerve her a bit.

Also as time was going by I was sharing more and more of what went through my head with my parents as just stuff I thought about. They came to see, like when I talked about those garbage psychology articles, that inside I could feel seething anger towards others to the point I would write them off as people who were worth anything. And in between talking about people being hurt and then what I read in the BDSM magazines, they saw just how deep my sadism ran. But at the same time while I loved the thought of someone in pain, that I wouldn't just hurt a random person out of the blue for no reason. And I might wish harm upon someone who drove me to seething anger but isn't like I could act on it. Also even though they already knew that I didn't feel bad for others they saw how I just didn't feel bad for someone because I couldn't. And along with it that I don't feel remorse, I didn't feel bad for how I felt about things. They had known it in some way since I was younger but it was only as I talked about things more that they saw how it shaped me and how I see other people.

Of course at time besides having my parents know a fair bit of what I thought and felt I was also in the full throws of puberty and boys were no longer just classmates and friends. I had already for a while enjoyed how I'd get looked at when I would go out with my mom, telling her how I liked catching someone leering at me and how many would just slink away in awkwardness and shame at being caught. My mom knew that in my total absence of sense of social boundaries, to me it was just fun and a thrill. Also as I told her it gave me a bit of a feeling of power, as I told her imagine someone who looked at me and would spend the rest of the day feeling guilty, all because I dressed the way I did. Also I came to realize that makeup isn't just about looking pretty but it can be a way to lie. I could wear make up and look my age, or I could look a little older or even a bit older than that. I could even look like a girl trying to look older. Wearing makeup wasn't just a way to lie it was a socially accepted way to lie, even at my age it wasn't exactly socially acceptable it would be eventually not that I was going to wait. (cont...)

(cont..) So there at 12 I was trying out tactics on the older neighborhood boys I knew, seeing what they reacted to and how and working from there. I wasn't simply trying to be a flirt, I was looking to work out how to get sex. I had already well worked out that sex has a particular role in relationships and in being a girl I had a fair bit of power in it just by being a girl. And I wasn't one to wait, some do gooder's bullshit about 12 being too young was just another case of people thinking every girl is the same. And as I tried out things and made progress I would mention some things to my mom so my parents had an idea what I was up to. They also realized short of locking me away there was nothing they could do about it, and that even if the thought was uncomfortable for them, there was no way to talk me into waiting. After all, I could say I agree but that wouldn't mean anything. And once I did go all the way my mom saw that it wasn't actually the end all be all for me, it was just something that made me feel good and where I enjoyed the details of the effort to get it. That I didn't get attached to any boy made my mom joke I was going to break some hearts to which I said that I know but I didn't care isn't my issue. She said she knew I didn't care she just wondered what it was like to feel that way, she certainly couldn't be the way I was.

From then, all through when I was 13 and then after I did more and more basically having a split life, the the good girl whose friends loved her and the girl who was going out and hooking up with boys at an increasing rate. And even as my nights got later, and I went further afield and the guys got older, my parents accepted that this was who I am. When I first came home with something someone bought for me in return for my affection, I joked with my mom that it's not like I just give it away. My mom shook her head and said she knew I was going to end up getting with guys who'd buy me stuff in return for being able to have me. I did go on repeat dates and even have boyfriends, but my parents knew that to me it was just something to do and a way to get what I wanted, it wasn't like I felt as other girls do that having a boyfriend mattered. One time when I mentioned a boyfriend to my dad he asked me until when. A few months later with another one he asked who I got such a good deal on a revolving door from. He said that part of him at times had wished I was like other girls at least as far as boyfriends went but he knew that I couldn't be and that he realized that was him wanting me to be who he wanted. And who I was mattered far more than who he might wish me to be. (cont...)

And as those years from 12 onward went by my parents started regarding me as pretty much equal, I was their daughter but even at that age they had no choice but to let me be my own person with my own life. They knew that things I would say that other people would see as being provocative for the sake of it weren't, it was just how I thought and felt. Around them I didn't have to observe the usual norms and boundaries, and they came to get that for me observing them is at the least a bit tedious and at the worst a bit draining. They also came to understand my own particular set of morals and what it meant for me to do what other people think of as good and bad or right and wrong. They understood that I know what's right and what's wrong but that it wasn't really what mattered to me. At 13 I was having conversations with my mom where sometimes she'd just start to laugh and say how no other mom is having this kind of conversation with her 13 year old daughter. My parents would talk to me about things knowing I might have a particular reaction but that's just how it is. Also they would ask me about things they wondered about how I felt. And they did enjoy how I handled the mean girls in high school, who I regarded as nothing but a bunch of insecure brats. My dad said it was nice to know I could do things for good, and I laughed and said I do have to at least make some effort to be good sometimes if just because it keeps people thinking good things about me. Also I did piece together there was a label for someone like me and my parents just took as a label.

At one point when they had learned that my manipulation wasn't always totally innocent, though not how far it could go, and that I enjoyed hurting people, emotionally at least, my mom asked if I ever though of hurting her or would ever hurt her. I told her that it never really crossed my mind before to hurt her emotionally but she was never someone that gave me a reason to hurt them or that I'd get something out of hurting. Though that doesn't mean I never would hurt her, after all things could change. She said she knew I'd say something like that, and then brought up how I specified emotionally hurt her, so what about physically hurt her? I smiled and said that's different. Mom asked how, and I said well different standards and it had crossed my mind before how it would be to do it. Not that I'd had a thought of acting it out, wouldn't want to raise eyebrows or have someone else find out. She said that she knew she should be horrified by me saying that, that I could think that way let alone admit it as if it were no big deal. Then she said she knows how I am, that I can have thoughts other people would call totally evil, but she knew those thoughts weren't all there was to me. I did a lot of good even if not for the usual reasons. I might not be normal, but she loved me for who I am and she wouldn't have me any other way.

I don't want to be reasonable anymore, or provide a nice package of insights. I don't want to give any of my value to you. You are a cunt. You don't want to change that. You think it makes you clever and funny, but you're contemptible, a broken and blank human, a vacuity, a black hole, an energy sink.

You deserve nothing from me beyond contempt and exclusion.

The mysteries I seek, the creativity and wonder, the tenderness and beauty - these are the desires and fruits of my own mind. To you they are instruments, roughly wielded to inane purpose. Blunted life, caricatured life. Brutal, limited, two-dimensional, facsimile life.

In the vein of getting more intimate with our life stories, I'll divulge more deeply and honestly into mine; I've spoken of my life before and many of the interesting events that have happened to me, but here's a finer glimpse into it.

Just the other day, early that morning I was speaking with my case manager at my transitional living program for young adults getting off the streets, and I was telling him the series of events that led up to last night's involvement with the police; the other night me and my schizophrenic friend left the narcissist's apartment to go get pizza, and when we got back we realized he left his pipe and weed in her apartment. So we sat in front of her door eating pizza and chatting, taking turns politely knocking until she would answer the door, and after thirty minutes she opened the door with the pipe in hand saying she was tired of hearing us debating why she wouldn't open the door. So we went inside and smoked a bowl then retired for the night. The next day I went over to my schizophrenic friend's apartment and he told me that the narcissist was now claiming the previous night that I was violently banging on her door during the time me and him were there eating pizza and chatting, threatening to physically harm her. She had told him and another neighbor that I'm apparently a dangerous sociopath and the proper authorities needed to be alerted that I'm on the loose. So I went to the main office and spoke with the on site staff, letting her know what events had taken place. She left and went to speak with the narcissist, and the narcissist told her that she simply wanted to speak with me about my persistent knocking on my door. So I wondered, what exactly is going on? Bizarre miscommunication? Was my male friend lying to me? Impossible I thought, I drilled him repeatedly for information to make sure he had his story straight, he's got his head screwed on straight because he makes sure to take his meds for his disability. Shortly after he had told me all of that though, she came in and I addressed her web of lies to her. She very much had a how-dare-you reaction, that I have no shame and that I'm the crazy one. I told her people like her are just one of the many reasons why people like me become the very monsters society paints us out to be, she is continuing the vicious cycle of prejudice and contempt. So then she went on a selfish angry rant and threatened to bring the gangbangers of her crime family down upon me for the alleged wrongs I've done which based on the objective evidence are all lies coming from her. Later on I was in the main office of the apartment building speaking with one of the staff and the narcissist walked in; we had that conversation, the staff woman our mediator. She provoked me with her vilification of me, my irritation escalated to annihilating rage and my vision became tunneled and red envisioning how I wanted to so badly leap across the room and snap her pretty neck, but instead I let myself indulge in the sudden impulse to snarl at her by saying it's people like her that makes me want to just wipe them off face of my earth. She left, the police came, I worked my charm on them and they left.

All this over the fact she obviously couldn't smoke that little bowl of weed all to herself, or her overwhelming irrational fear of me, or even the fact that I had her backed in a corner with how she didn't want to be held accountable for her narcissist sadism. Probably all of the above. Later on yesterday morning I sat down with the narcissist and my case manager, and both of us signed a no contact contract that would last for a week, and papers saying that neither of us (more her specifically of course) could spread hate speech, and that she can't be simply breaking confidentiality of my personality type if she wants to remain living in her apartment.

I told my case manager this wasn't the first time she ran a smear campaign against another resident, a man she was seducing into giving her free weed. I helped her with it, seeing as how I was so invested in her for her uses to me, like her connection to her crime family I could call upon whenever I wanted. It suited my best interests to align myself with her, so I went along with it. It was just her means of getting her narc' supply from others pitying her for his "sexual advances" on her. He had stopped supplying her free weed so she lashed out with her narcissist sadism and did her smear campaign.

My current housing situation is a good deal; no rent, I work when I want to, grocery stores nearby to steal food from, I've got my schizophrenic friend who now knows I'm a sociopath and seems okay with it; he lets me smoke his weed, buys me alcoholic beverages, buys me food, we play golf on his Wii, and we're even planning to go on a camping trip sometime in the near future. I like his care free attitude about life, his own gaming of the system that he seemingly feels no guilt for, which suits me just fine. He's in college for business and marketing and wants to become an entrepreneur, and wants to give me a place within his business; I guess I'll see how all this works out for me.

I became homeless in the first place because my apparent lack of good morals according to my own mother, so I packed my bags at age eighteen and left for an adventure. I would forgive-and-forget repeatedly with her, taking her up on having her pay me a decent lump sum of money to move in with her, leave because of her narcissism, etc., after all it is easy for me to not ruminate upon the past and live in the moment and be looking at my immediate near future. She can't be in my life anymore now, not after the incident with my sociopathic brother trying to strangle me to death. She and my brother dead to me.

Obviously, I don't know the situation, since I'm not there. But if it was up to me, I'd give the narcissistic woman back her narcissistic supply - weed and whatever else. That would throw her off and her attacks would stop. Which would leave me to collect irrefutable evidence, learn her secrets, and whatever else is necessary to take her down a few months later - with the goal of possibly making the usage of resources she initially provided (like the crime family) independent from your relationship and friendship to you, or even possibly obsolete. You could also look at "getting along and beating difficult people" as another challenge to beat.

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Of course, my default is still to intuitively analyze every outcome and situation and achieve the best result, but it's more interesting to let people remain a variable and go in their own direction, rather than nudging them in the direction I prefer. Interacting with people WITHOUT trying to control them is a new paradigm for me.