Script

[Kenny provides a recap of what happened last week on the show, with clips from that episode.]

Kenny:

Previously, on South Park.

[The intro follows with the boys dresses as fantasy figures, and dramatic music matches them. Next, a white screen appears, with a silhouette of a black wall and a crow on it. The crow calls out]

Narrator:

Now let me tell you, child, of a war that is about to come. [turns out the wall is the two consoles over which the war will be fought - the PS4 and the XBox - and the crow is on the display for the XBox One.] Since time unremembered there have been two. [the crow hops from the XBox One display to the PS4 display] One dark and unforgiving, the other pure and filled with light. [next is a silhouette of a woman looking at South Park Mall from a pile of rocks] At the dawn of war, I stand alone, looking out at would be the last battlefield, for winter is coming, and I... am a princess. [the woman is Princess Kenny] Once a common lady of the dark army, but, denied my right to be called princess by birth, [Kenny hops off the rocks and walks] I've betrayed my kind, [Kenny enters EVGames] and now I have chosen my side: that which I believe is best for all, [Kenny flips through the games and chooses Vomit Cops, then plays it] for it has the dual-shock controller with a speakers and a touchpad interface. [Kenny walks home] Our land is split in two, brother against brother, friend versus friend, [enters his house and walks past his parents] and my parent will fight on Black Friday as well. for what? I do not know.

Stuart:

What the hell is he wearin' now?

Narrator:

[walks out to the back yard and sits on her throne] My followers, though few in number, shall help see me through until I am finally accepted as a princess by all. I cannot rest, for I know that even now, the enemy is training for battle, also preparing for winter.

[XBox One army base, day. As the rest of the army watches, Butters and Scott do some swordplay. Scott's tongue is hanging out of his mouth]

Scott:

En garde! [Butters takes up his sword and swordplay resumes. While the crowd cheers the swords-boys on, Cartman is not impressed, and he buries his nose in his hand while squeezing his eyes shut]

Cartman:

Alright, stop, stop, stop! [leaves his chair and walks up to Scott and Butters] This is NOT how you fight! You think this is a joke?! On Black Friday, there's gonna be thousands of shoppers trying to get inside that mall keeping you from getting Xbox Ones! So what do we do?! We survey each enemy, and we attack their weak spots! Scott Malkinson has diabetes, so we hit him in his weak spot! [swings his staff at Scott's mouth and lands it, making Scott's tongue go back in his mouth]

Scott:

Aaah God ow sorry...

Cartman:

There's another army out there who thinks they're better than us, and we are not going to be beat by that traitor whore Kenny! Get back to training! [leaves]

Butters:

[not sure what to do next, then swats Scott on his back] Yeah!

Scott:

[falls onto his knees] Ah!

Kyle:

[catches up to Cartman] Cartman, we should probably talk about our chances.

Cartman:

The men are just inexperience, Sir Kyle. They need more training.

Kyle:

It's not enough! Ever since Kenny switched sides, there are more kids that wanna go with PS4 on Black Friday.

Cartman:

That Goddamn traitor! You know why Kenny's doing this, right? Because he wanted to be a princess, and I wouldn't let him! [they go through the sliding door] I said, "You can be a chick, Kenny, but there's only one ruler, and that's me!" [reaches his refrigerator and opens it, looking for something to consume]

Kyle:

Cartman released the PS4s Cartman. They're being reviewed. People are liking them.

Cartman:

[turns around, holding a glass of milk] I guarantee you Kenny had something to do with Sony offering a Brack Friday Bunduru! [takes a swig of it] Just keep them in training, Sir Kyle. Two can play at Kenny's backstabbing game. [leaves, forgetting to close the refrigerator door]

[Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at his desk placing a call, still grousing about Kenny]

Cartman:

Stupid asshole! [looks at a picture of himself and Kenny at Casa Bonita being best buds. He folds it up and lays it on his desk, face down] Yes, hello. I'd like to speak to the president of XBox, please... The president of XBox, like, the head of XBox... Fine, CEO of Microsoft, whatever. Put him on. I need help blowing up PlayStation people... Eric Cartman. I'm a wizard and a king... A wizard-king, yes... No, I'm not king of wizards, I'm a king that happens to be a wizard. [lost his patience] Just put the CEO of Microsoft on the phone!

[Microsoft headquarters, night. The CEO's office. Steve Ballmer is at his desk]

Secretary:

Mr. Ballmer, John and Dave from Marketing are here to see you. [the men come on in]

Ballmer:

Yes, hello. How are things going out there.

John:

Sir, the tides of war are changing.

Dave:

There's a king in Colorado, a young wizard who believes that Sony will have the upper hand if we do not come to his aid.

John:

He claims that with our help, his followers are prepared to fight to the death over which system is better.

Ballmer:

Uhh, what are you guys talking about? You sound ridiculous.

Dave:

[looks at John, then] There's... going to be a war in this small town on Black Friday, and it's all over the news!

Ballmer:

Guys, these are console wars, not some epic battle for a kingdom. I mean, come on.

Dave:

...but, this one kid said that he's a wizard, and that Sony is helping-

Ballmer:

Guys, guys guys! It's just a video game machine, alright? Microsoft's a company that... tries to be above all the petty commercialism, okay?

Dave:

Ok-Okay

John:

Okay [they turn and leave]

[The Channel 9 newsroom. The anchors are reporting]

Tammy:

Well, Black Friday is still a few days away, but it looks like it's already claimed another fatality.

Tom:

Niles Lawson is on the scene, and Niles, what are you hearing?

Niles:

[holding in his left arm a giant candy cane, with blood stains along the hooked end] Tom, tragedy stuck last night when mall security officer Males "Happy" Davis was beaten to death with this candy cane after telling a mother she couldn't line up for Black Friday until Thursday night. In honor of the slain mall security officer, the mall has officially decided to drop another 10% off Black Friday deals!

[The Wall of Honor, established in 1974. A framed picture of the slain officer is placed on a shelf on the wall, and a small bouquet of flowers placed in front of that]

Randy:

Happy was a good man. Too good to have died in such a brutal but festive manner.

Guard 3:

[runs up to Randy] Captain! Captain! The mall is dropping the Black Friday sale another 10%

Guard 4:

What?

Guard 5:

Oh my God.

Guard 6:

They can't do that!

Guard 7:

What? That's 90% off!

Guard 8:

Oh God! They're back! The shoppers are back! [the camera pulls back to reveal a large crowd of shoppers slowly moving towards the mall. One of them holds a flyer for the new Black Friday deal. The fog is so low it looks soupy]

Randy:

Everybody stay put! I'll handle this. [exits the mall]

[Outside the mall, night. The crowd continues its somewhat slow march towards the mall, but a main road and parking lot stand between them and the mall]

Randy:

[through a bullhorn] If you are here for Black Friday, you cannot be on mall property until midnight on Thanksgiving.

Shopper 6:

We're not on mall property.

Randy:

Well, you're about to be.

Shopper 6:

Well, what if we just walk really, really slow? [the crowd slows it's walk further, growls spread among them, as they start to resemble a White Walker's] Black Friday!

Randy:

You're gonna have to walk slower than that. You've got a while.

Shopper 7:

We can walk really slow. Look. [the shoppers start to shamble and quietly moan in a full parody of a White Walker army]

Randy:

Smartasses. [turns around and goes inside the mall]

[The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Butters walk along the familiar path]

Cartman:

Paladin Butters, I was hoping I could talk to you about Lady McCormick

Butters:

You mean Princess Kenny, m'lord?

Cartman:

Yeah, whatever. The little prick thinks he's Daenerys Targaryen. I need to know how to deal with him. [picks a rose out for Butters, just as he did for Kenny before.] How do they deal with the Queen of Dragons in Game of Thrones?

Butters:

They don't!

Cartman:

Well did you finish watching Season 3 like I asked you?

Butters:

Yeah, I finished it!

Cartman:

So what happens when the dragons show up?

Butters:

Nothing! The dragons are just still on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy wieners in my face!

Cartman:

Butter-Butters! The key to our victory is following the Game of Thrones model exactly. I have to know what happens when the dragons show up so I know how to deal with Kenny.

Butters:

Wha-what do you want me to do?

Cartman:

Here's two bus tickets to New Mexico. I want you to take Sir Scott Malkinson and go seek out George R. R. Martin for answers.

Butters:

Who's George R. R. Martin?

Cartman:

He's the guy who writes Game of Thrones, Butters! He can let us both know how to handle Kenny, and if we should betray Clyde or not. Let's face it, Butters, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.

Homeowner:

Hey! I told you kids to stay out of my damned yard!

Cartman:

[shoots back] Do you mind?! We're trying to talk here!

Homeowner:

Yeah?! Well home come every time you talk to somebody. it's about betraying somebody else?!

Cartman:

Why don't you mind your own business?!

[Microsoft headquarters, night. Steve Ballmer is on the phone.]

Ballmer:

No. Listen, for the last time, we don't have any dragons to send them. If some people wanna choose PlayStations, it's their choice. [a knock is heard]

Not bad, you know? Just tryin' to get this next gen press stuff handled.

Gates:

I heard there's a little trouble in uh, Colorado somewhere?

Ballmer:

Oh it's- no, it turns out it was nothing, just some kids tryin' to turn the console wars into somethin' bigger.

Gates:

Oh my gosh. Yoy know, when I uh... stepped down and left you in charge of the company, Steve uh, I knew there might be some challenges for you.

Ballmer:

Yeah, well, nothin' I can't handle. [a man dressed in black appears behind him] There might be some changes we need to make to our marketing, but I'm optimistic. [the man approaches Steve.]

Gates:

Uh huh.

Ballmer:

You know, I think we'll ultimately sell the number of unites we want to. [the man takes out a dagger and gets closer]

Gates:

You're right, Steve. Some changes do need to be made. [the hitman reaches around and stabs Ballmer through the chest and drags the dagger to the right, cutting open Ballmer's chest even more. Ballmer cries out, but is choking in his blood. Ballmer steps backwards and falls on his back gasping for air. Gates takes a glass of wine to a sofa and sits down to look at Ballmer] Do yo know what weakness is, Steve? Weakness is believing that competition is healthy. See, there was a time when XBoxes and PlayStations could both survive in this world, but that time's done. It's all headed to one device that people game on, watch TV on, socialize on. There's only going to be one winner. I can't have you idiots throwing away everything I worked so hard to achieve. [Ballmer takes his last gasps as Gates walks out of the CEO's office. Gates addresses Ballmer's men] Clean that shit up.

[New Mexico, evening. Butters and Scott are walking down a street. Butters checks a map for George R. R. Martin's address]

Butters:

Well come on, Scott. You're lagging.

Scott:

I think my insulin's low. I need to eat.

Butters:

Let's just talk to this guy, and then we can hit a McDonald's. Oh here we go. 2217. [Butters and Scott stand in front of a mansion gate somewhere in the Southwest. Cacti abound on either side of the high fence. Butters reaches up and presses a buzzer]

Butler:

[through the intercom] Can I help you?

Butters:

Hello? Is this George R. R. Martin's house?

Butler:

Who is this, please?

Butters:

Uhhhh, it's two kids who want to know what happens when the dragons show up? [two seconds of silence] Hello?

Butler:

I'm sorry, but Mr. Martin does not see fans.

Butters:

We're not fans!

Scott:

Yeah, we don't like it!

Butters:

We don't like it! And I'm pretty pissed off, if you wanna know the truth!

Butler:

About what?

Butters:

Let me talk to George R. R. Martin, and I'll tell him about what! [the buzzer sounds again and the gates open. Butters and Scott go inside and towards the front door. George R. R. Martin steps outside to greet them]

GRRM:

It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?

Butters:

Uh no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.

GRRM:

Oh they're coming. The dragons are on their way.

Butters:

When?

GRRM:

You really wanna know?

Butters:

[sternly] Please. It's urgent.

GRRM:

Alright, King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there's a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And His wiener gently hangs down between his legs. Soft and flaccid, his wiener glistened in the golden sunlight.

Butters:

No, uhno, can we skip the wiener stuff and just get to the dragons?

Scott:

Aw shit, I think I'm-I think I'm going to faint.

Butters:

Uh what's the matter, Scott?

Scott:

I told you I have to eat every two hours.

Butters:

He's diabetic.

GRRM:

Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.

Butters:

Oh. Okay, thanks.

GRRM:

Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in Game of Thrones. [leads the boys inside]

[The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Kyle walk along the familiar path]

Cartman:

Sir Kyle, I wanted to talk to you about Stan.

Kyle:

If you want to make sure I'm not switching sides, Cartman, you don't have to worry. Stan is wrong.

Cartman:

It isn't that. Princess Kenny is loved by her army [picks a rose out for Kyle], but Stan is still the nuts and ball of her operation. [Kyle sniffs the rose] It would be a huge setback to the traitors getting their PlayStations if Stan were to be... [stops] grounded?

Kyle:

Grounded? For what?

Cartman:

That could be up to you.

Kyle:

No, Cartman. You said nobody will have to be grounded. We're not playing dirty!

Cartman:

Fine, Sir Kyle. Perhaps you're right. [begins walking] Did you know that Stan's dad is working a temp job as mall security?

Kyle:

What?

Cartman:

Seems a little convenient, doesn't it? [stops and faces Kyle] Stan with somebody on the inside to help him get his PS4s. Who's playing dirty now? Let's face it, Sir Kyle, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.

Homeowner:

Don't believe it! [Cartman and Kyle look at the homeowner] He said that to a bunch of people!

Cartman:

Dude, you'd better stop harassing me or I'm callin' the cops!

Homeowner:

You're callin' the cops?!

Cartman:

Yeah!

Homeowner:

You're on my property! I'm callin' the cops!

Cartman:

Well go ahead! Call the fuckin' cops then!

[A bedroom, night. A couple is having sex in it. As the camera pans right, it reveals whom the couple is - the Channel 9 news team. Niles appears at the door with a microphone in hand. He clears his throat]

Tom:

[startled] Oh oh! [calms down] Oh, it's you.

Niles:

Tom, I'm standing in your doorway because we have a hot news story to report.

Tammy:

We don't go to work for another hour.

Niles:

[walks to the foot of the bed] We just got a call from Bill Gates. [sits down] He says he can promise us a bigger war on Black Friday if we play along.

Tammy:

He wants us to side with him?

Niles:

That's right, Tammy. Let's not forget that having a bloodbath on Black Friday is good for the news. It's good for us. The bigger, the better.

Tom:

Our job is to report the news, not make it more violent!

Niles:

Right, Tom. Because you're sooo about integrity. Let's go. [stands up and walks to the doorway, then turns around] Or maybe I should let everyone in the newsroom know what their two anchors are up to! Back to you!

Well Black Friday is just around the corner and Tammy, it's getting fierce out there.

Tammy:

That's right, and Niles Lawson is out at the mall with a little holiday surprise.

Niles:

Tammy, the excitement over Black Friday is peaking, and none other than Bill Gates himself has shown up to try to make it even bigger. [Bill Gates appears]

Gates:

That's right. We just wanna do whatever we can to help our supporters get their XBoxes at incredible deals on Friday, so we've come to offer swords and battle axes, whatever the kids can carry to help them fight their way through the other shoppers.

Niles:

We understand that you've donated some guns to the kids as well.

Gates:

Yes, but we are limiting it to one per XBox follower,, because of course, the key thing here on everyone's mind is safety.

[The neighborhood. The XBox army marches down the street, with Cartman being borne on a litter by several boys. Some of the bearers are Clyde and Kevin. One of the Federation members, dressed as Geordi La Forge, is indeed carrying a gun. The army approaches Kenny's house, and Token knocks on the door]

Mrs. McCormick:

[answers the door] Yes?

Cartman:

Hi, is Kenny home?

Mrs. McCormick:

Uh, yeah, Kenny's out back playing with his friends.

Cartman:

Forward, men! [the bearers try to fit Cartman through the door, but they can't fir through. First they run into the door frame on the left side] That, no- [then on the right] No, you- You've gotta turn me. [the bearers tilt the litter some seventy degrees without Cartman falling off and finally fit through the door.]

Let them pass! [the PS4 army makes way for the XBox army. Cartman is carried over to Kenny's throne]

Kenny:

(Welcome to my kingdom, Sir Eric. Now, state your purpose.)

Stan:

[translating] The Princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom and suggests you state your purpose.

Cartman:

You can't win this, guys. Look around you. Lay down your weapons, and you can come back and fight for XBoxes with us on Black Friday.

Kenny:

(You can change your mind instead of fighting with us, Eric.)

Stan:

The Princess says that if you wanna change your mind and agree that Playstations are better, she'll consider it.

Cartman:

Kenny, we all understand wanting to play as the chick once in a while, 'kay? But you are never going to be a real princess!

Kenny:

(What?!) [fans himself] (Oh, the nerve! How insensitive of you, you cock-sucking faggot!)

Stan:

The Princess calls you a ball-licking lesbian.

Cartman:

That doesn't even make sense.

Kyle:

[steps forward] Stan, this has gone too far. People are going to get hurt. What you started is way out of control.

Stan:

What I started? How dare you!

Kyle:

All these people are going to be gaming on XBox. You really wanna just game with Craig the rest of your life?

Stan:

I would rather game with Craig than spend one minute having to set up an XBox Live account! We will get our PlayStations tomorrow, and you buttholes will have nothing!

Cartman:

You're outnumbered ten to one, and there's no time left! How will you win?! [Stan and Kenny look at each other, then Stan thinks a minute]

Stan:

The gods will find us a way!

[George R. R. Martin's living room, later. He's expounding on the Game of Thrones...]

GRRM:

So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big. [about 18 inches, by his estimate. Butters is losing patience as Scott fades] He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener [unzips his pants and demonstrates his story] and he dangles it around for all his men to see. [shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell]

Scott:

AAAH! [turns away for a moment]

Butters:

OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!

GRRM:

Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes [shakes his hips around as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it]

Butters:

But you said they were on their way like three hours ago! [Scott had said he needs to eat every two hours]

Scott:

If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.

GRRM:

[zips up] Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. [picks up where he was interrupted] Now, John Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.

Scott:

Ehhh...

[The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman is back with another partner in crime]

Cartman:

Mr. Gates, I was hoping I could talk to you about the fight on Friday.

Gates:

Certainly. Uh, Eric, right?

Cartman:

Uhh, it's my Lord Wizard King, actually. Having your leadership has certainly been a help. [picks another yellow rose for Gates] But I hope that we're clear that this is my army. [hands the rose to him. Gates sniffs it] There can only be one person of royalty; that's kind of the rules.

Gates:

Oh I certainly don't wanna step on your toes. Don't worry, I'm quite good at letting my CEOs do what they want.

Cartman:

Your CEOs?

Gates:

Let's face it, this is really just about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.

Cartman:

Uhhh, hmmm. What?

Homeowner:

[from his bedroom window] Hahaa! How's it feel?! Now who's walking who through the betrayal garden?!

Cartman:

Why don't you stay the fuck out of my business?!

Homeowner:

Why don't you stay the fuck out of my yard?! [slams his window shut]

[Sony Headquarters, Japan, night. The President of Sony is on top of someone, giving it to them, but that person is silent.]

President:

Ish, ish, ish, o-ish, haishooo! [quickly sits up to deliver the final thrust, then collapses onto his bed. He then rolls over on his back, revealing whom he was having sex with]

Niles:

[with mic in hand] That was amazing sex. I enjoyed it immensely. How about you?

President:

[gets a cigarette and lights it.] Tanoshikatta ne. (Yeah, it was fun.)

Niles:

You know, Microsoft has given kids who want XBoxes on Black Friday a lot of support. Seems a shame that the fight will be so one-sided.

President:

Eh? Nani kore, tsukareta yo. (What? I'm tired!)

Niles:

Black Friday is about to happen and it's not even gonna be a fight. That's bad for both of us. There must be something you can give to kids who want Sonys to make the fight more even.

President:

Hai. ["Yes." He reaches over to his left and grabs a box] Kore ga arimasu. ["Here it is" He opens the box and something begins to glow inside]

Niles:

[leans in to see what it is] Yes, I think that will do nicely.

[GRRM's Santa Fe mansion. He's now poised to be conductor. He taps his music stand with the conductor's stick. The scene changes to show a chorus of 10 white, middle-aged men in red-sashed, black, concert tuxedos holding musical scores and standing on double row of concert risers facing GRRM. They begin singing.

But this is the best part. Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned, everyone flaps their wieners all around his face.

Scott:

Jeaaaaah!

Butters:

[gets off the sofa] Listen, buddy! You promised that pizzas were on the way! If they don't show up right now, you're gonna have a dead kid in your hands! Do you hear me?!

GRRM:

Okay, okay, fine fine. What kind of pizzas do you want?

Butters:

What kind do we want?!

Scott:

He hasn't even ordered the pizzas yet!

GRRM:

Don't worry! They're coming! Not just two pizzas, there's, there's gonna be five! And they're gonna be huge! You won't believe it!

Butters:

Come on, Scott! We're leaving! [helps Scott off the sofa, and they're about to leave]

GRRM:

Wait, I haven't told you what happens yet!

Butters:

NO! Black Friday is about to happen, and my friends and I have to be the first ones inside the mall to get XBoxes!

GRRM:

Well why didn't you say so? I can help with that.

Butters:

Whatoyou mean?

GRRM:

I'll make some calls. I know a way to make sure you're completely prepared for Black Friday! [starts dialing]

[Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is at attention. The Sony President and his chief officers are there. The President presents the box to Kenny]

President:

Sony PS4 no urazuke. Zenbu. Domo sumimasen.

Aide:

The President of Sony bids you thanks for all your support of the PS4.

President:

Sore kara kono gifuto de Princess no Pawaa agemashou ["After that, let us give you this gift, the Power of the Princess"]

Aide:

He offers you this gift to once and for all make you an official Princess, and to give you the powers you need to win this war on Black Friday. [The president kneels, opens the box, and shows off the brooch resting within it. Kenny leaves the throne and takes the brooch from its box]

President:

Ima kara ["From now on"]... Princess Kenny!

Craig:

Wow, Kenny's a Japanese princess.

Kenny:

(Wooo!) [as J-pop music plays, Kenny's backyard is transformed. The makeshift thrown becomes a gazebo with a unicorn bust on top, Kenny gets a magical girl look, with big anime eyes, and gets the power of the rainbow, with bubbles, etc. He gets a pet unicorn. The whole scene could be an intro for a Princess Kenny show.]

My friends, the time is almost here. Let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall security officers before us. [his phone rings and he picks up] Commander Marsh. ... They're what? ... They're gonna what?!

[Outside the mall. The 'Walker' crowd army is closing in on the entrance. Channel 9 News is on the scene]

Niles:

Tom, we have breaking news from the South Park mall. In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push Black Friday by one week!

Crowd:

[turns and looks at him] What?

Niles:

The genius idea was proposed by George R. R. Martin, who also suggested "Fuck it, let's push Thanksgiving to December 3rd." For pushing the date, the mall is now reducing Black Friday prices to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall! [the shoppers begin to fight each other] This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face-painting, no doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die! [an elderly man holding up a 96% off flier lets out a dragon's roar]