So there I was, wandering the grocery store, minding my own business, trying to score some the necessary ingredients for a proper fathers-day grilling spectacular, when out of the corner of my eye I spy these strange beverages calling to me from the soda isle:

Now, I’m all about the glory of the Mountain Dew, some might even go so far as to use the term “connoisseur”… I wouldn’t of course, because it would sound pretentious, but the fact is, I love me some Mountain Dew, almost every variety. Original Dew? Check. Throwback Dew? Oh hell yes. Horde/Alliance WoW Game Fuel? oh my god please, give me a time machine, and Hilter gets to live, I’ll be in 2007 stocking up crates of that goodness. Baja Blast? What else would you use to wash down a couple chalupas? Code Red? awwww yeah.

Sangrita Blast? Fuck that mess. Sangrita Blast is like the red-headed stepchild of the Mountain Dew family. It’s only purpose in life is to serve as a combination warning and measuring stick for the other children in the family… “Look here new Baby Dew flavor, don’t be a fuckup like your brother Sangrita Blast, get out there and make something of your life!”

And while we’re on the subject of fuck ups, it’s “Mountain Dew”, not “Mtn Dew” I’m sorry, I know it’s 2017 and we all need to be hip and cool, and letters are apparently more expensive than a black market liver, but dear christ, stop trying to shorten and dumb down everything in the world. (I’m looking at you, marketing departments… everywhere!)

Now, anyway, the point is, I love me some Dew. But I’m not one of those people who lurks the Dew website/facebook/twitterfeed to see what crazy new thing they’ve cooked up.. So I hadn’t heard about these new Dews until I spotted them in the store, much like a lion would spot a limping zebra on the great open plains and think “Screw it, I could do with lunch!”.

So yeah, I impulse bought a White Label, and a Green Label. No Black Label for me, as there’s only room for one “Black Label” in my life, also known as Old No. 7, which I also love and adore, but does not mix well with Mountain Dew, so let’s leave that topic for now.

Anyway. White Label, Green Label. Both consumed. Both tasted, and now, for the record, the truth shall be told.

Mountain Dew White Label – According to the marketing speak on the label, this is “DEW with crafted tropical citrus“. Turns out that means “Pineapple and Grapefruit”. Now, I love me some Pineapple, but absolutely hate Grapefruit. The mix in this seems to be heavily tilted towards Pineapple, so at the end of the day, I found it to be tasty, refreshing, and thank god, not that grape-fruity. I’ll say… 8 out of 10.

Mountain Dew Green Label – “DEW with crafted Green Apple Kiwi“… Sounds straight forward to me. Pop top, enjoy. GREEN APPLE JOLLY RANCHER ALL UP IN MY MOUTH-BUDS. Kiwi? Was there Kiwi? I don’t know honestly. I drank this thing 48 hours ago, and I’m still tasting GREEN APPLE JOLLY RANCHER everywhere I go. Delicious… just.. very… sweet… I mean, even more than most Dews. If Dew was a sugary drug (and who says it’s not?) this thing would be the Crack to every other flavors Cocaine. If you want the experience of liquid jolly rancher… 10 out of 10. But be warned, tis a strong taste.