BBC To Make ‘Embryo To Sofa’ Show About The Human Virus

CHRIS Packham is auditioning for the roll as David Attenborough’s Voice of God in Radio Times. But whereas Dave was for life, Packham is, apparently, for death. Life on Earth is now Death To Humanity. Says Packham, a BBC telly presenter of natural history stuff:

“There’s no point bleating about the future of pandas, polar bears and tigers when we’re not addressing the one single factor that’s putting more pressure on the ecosystem than any other…”

Trees, right? Those fucking trees.

“… namely the ever-increasing size of the world’s population.”

Yep, humans. They’re the people who pay licence fees to the BBC on pain of jail. The Beeb spends the cash to send Packham and wildlife photographers to make stars of non-paying tortoises and dung beatles. High time, indeed, to refocus on the human zoo.

“I read the other day that, by 2020, there are going to be 70 million people in Britain. Let’s face it, that’s too many.”

Where did you read it? And too many for what?

But let’s say he is right. On the positive note, it means more licence fee payers, and, therefore, more money for the BBC to invest in Embryo To Sofa, a flies on the wall look at the human journey from the wondrous moment of kebab-fuelled inception through social housing, benefit fraud, petty shoplifting and a life as a fatso slumped on the sofa in front of the telly. They will then be murdered by a pack of Gaia’s termites.

Says Packham:

“I wouldn’t actually penalise people for having too many children, as I think the carrot always works better than the stick.”

Fnar.

“But I would offer them tax breaks for having small families, say, 10% off your tax bill if you decide to stick with just one child. And an even bigger financial incentive if you choose not to have a family at all. I question the way, for example, people have two children with one partner, then split up and have two with their next partner, just to even up the score.”

Yeah. Those ruddy scorers. It might be useful of Christmas games of Pictionary, but for the planet it is beyond dangerous.

“Fact is, we all eat food, breathe air and require space, and the more of us there are, the less of those commodities there are for other people and, of course, for the animals.”

Air is now a commodity?

Chris has a 16-year-old step-daughter:

“I consider it one of the great privileges of my life to play a part in her upbringing, and would happily throw myself in front of a train to protect her.”

Well, she is in danger. The air is running out. And with any luck, he might take out the train divers and half the sardines packed on it…