Zoe's Blog

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We’re past the first month of the year and still they keep coming up on my facebook page. Lots of things annoy me on the social media site, pictures of food, kids in the tiniest bit of snow and dogs wearing sunglasses are some of my bug bears. But, there’s a new kid on the block, getting on my nerves. I really don’t want to see a photo of your awful looking green gunky smoothie made in a nutribullet that you bought in the new year to make you feel healthy. I know you made ice cream milkshakes in it really.

Kids really should come with an instruction manual, or at least a rule book for parents. I could really have done with one last week. Whilst my 2 year old daughter, Lois, was in a toddler area of a soft play place, I was approached by another mum and totally taken back by her complaint that My little one had pushed past her child. But her moan was pretty much met by deaf ears, not because I don’t care, but I didn’t have a clue what to do about it. What should I have done? If I’d told Lois off, she wouldn’t have made the connection, because too much time had passed. what I really wanted to say was “Aaaaaand?” Of course, I didn’t, I just apologised and carried on with what I was doing, but felt incredibly guilty. Was that the correct way to handle it? I could really do with an answer to this as I have a feeling that this is a situation I may be in again.

30th January

I’ve really embarrassed myself. I’ve really let myself down, by saying something completely inappropriate whilst making a complaint. It was cold and frost a couple of Sunday’s ago, but I had that uncontrollable craving for a fried breakfast. I couldn’t be faffed with going to the shop and getting it all myself so I googled the pub down the road to see if they did one and what time they opened their doors. I wrapped up my toddler and put her on her trike for the 2 mile walk in freezing conditions. Half an hour later we arrive at the pub door, by this time I was literally dribbling, desperate for my cooked breakfast. I went for the door, I pulled and pulled, but disaster had struck, the place was shut. Totally devastated, I knocked so hard my knuckles hurt, but no one came. So I picked my phone up and rang them to convey my disapproval. A very nice and apologetic manager came on the line to listen to my rant “How would you like a voucher so you can come another day?” My reply? “Yep, that’d be great. Thanks very much. Lots of love. Bye bye!” I had gone from a pretty stern complaint to sending him lots of love within about 20 seconds. I’m too embarrassed to go and pick up that voucher now.

24th January

Scientists have dropped an IPhone 100,000 feet from the edge of space and it still worked after it had hit the earth. Is this what we are doing research into? Aren’t there other things to be discovered in space? How did they make sure it didn’t land in water on our planet? Is it like the penny falls arcade machine, where they had to time it right, like when the shelf is in and then shout go? It sounds to me like a load of teenage boys doing ‘experiments’. What else have they dropped to see if it still worked, TV’s, cars, beer? And why if that phone survived being dropped from space, does mine break falling from my pocket to the floor????

I felt very sorry for Sheridan Smith on Wednesday night at the NTA’s, or not at the NTA’s. The very first award to be presented was best dramatic performance, of which she was announced the winner. But she wasn’t there at the ceremony at the O2, she was with her Mum, in a cab, stuck in traffic. Poor thing, she missed getting a national television award because the roads were clogged up. I remember a couple of years agoLabrinth winning a Brit award, but not appearing on stage. The reason, he was in the toilet and missed it.

17th January

If you’re anything like me, you get very excited when you find something interesting on the beach. I dream of how long and how far it has come. I would have been out of my mind to find stuff that washed up on beaches in the last week. Eighteen years ago a cargo ship sank off the coast of Cornwall, its wares have just made it to shore. The best bit of this story, it’s a load of Lego that made it to the sand, but not only that, the Lego is all nautical themed. So, don’t be surprised if you spot little Lego men on your holidays this year, complete with scuba gear, snorkels and flippers.

January seems to be a month of change at work for a lot of people and lots of interviews take place. There seems to be a rising trend in interviewers asking tricky questions. I remember being asked to talk for minute on eating a Cadbury’s crème egg underwater. They probably didn’t appreciate the twenty seconds of silence, but I got the job anyway, as a Butlins redcoat. This goes on in ‘normal’ jobs too. In an interview to be a shop assistant, Heart breakfast listener Joe was asked “If he was a goat, would he be a mountain goat or a field goat?” And Emma was asked what she would do if she found a giraffe in her garden.

10th January

I would never profess to being cool, but I don’t think I’m un-cool either. Who has the deciding vote on what’s cool and what’s not anyway? On trend magazine Vogue has released a list of things that they have declared cool for this year and I think I’m completely out of fashion. Aerobics has made the list, so get your leggings and leotard out of the wardrobe and start prancing around. They have put a school favourite on there too, fountain pens are making a comeback for 2015. But most surprising of all, you are seen as a smooth mover if you play lawn bowls, makes your Nan cooler than you.

When I was a kid I remember the January sales being a massive thing. Heading to the shops to have a good rummage in the new year was exciting, but now the shops are open with bargains on Boxing day, it’s lost a little of its sparkle. On Heart Breakfast this week we asked if anyone had managed to find anything worth having in the sales. The response was amazing and I think bargain hunting should now be seen as an Olympic sport. Heather found a £10 bra for a quid, Chloe got a pair of black skinny jeans for a pound too. But hats off to Michelle who managed to find trousers for £1 each and so bought a pair for each member of her family, kitted out for a fiver, you can’t say fairer than that.

3rd January

I was so excited for my little girl this Christmas. She was going to meet Father Christmas, she cried. She was big enough at nearly 2 to sit at the table with us, pull a cracker and have a turkey dinner, she only wanted to eat beans. I chased down the stairs with her on Christmas morning to see if the big man had been, she couldn't have been less interested in presents.

For an hour I put lovely things wrapped in bright paper in front of her, totally disinterested. I tried to rip a bit to start her off, nope nothing, Lois was more entertained by a pot of coins.

There was, of course 1 thing that she did play with straight away, my daughter is a Christmas cliché, quite happily playing with the box her dolly came from, for the whole day.

New Year's Eve wasn't much better, after in bed by 10 and asleep, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and poured another glass of wine, only to hear the beautiful sound of wailing again at 11.40. But of course, she was soundo again at 11.58 so I just whispered "Happy New Year."

Saturday 27th December

So the first bit of the festive season is all done and now it’s on to sorting out the biggest night out of the year. New years eve, three words that actually fill me with dread. It’s a night where people who don’t normally go out, get their glad rags on and go out and party. It means the normal venues I go to for a drink are absolutely packed to the rafters. The bar is ten deep and I have the privilege of paying to get into a bar that is usually free. Standing next to people in such a bar is made all the worse by the expectation that everyone should be ecstatic on the last day of the year. Having been out on a fair few nights out this year, I’ve had my fill and with my new age, I’m dreaming of going home and my bed, not watching squiffy strangers slobber all over each other at midnight. And don’t get me started on taxis, charging me fifty four times the normal price, that’s if you can book one at all. So this year, I will be at a house party....for one.

Saturday 20th December

With less than a week to go until the big day, research has been done into the presents we’re given and whether we actually like them. We get an average of eight, of which we hate two. That’s massive, we don’t like a quarter of our gifts, I have to agree slightly though, some are pretty awful. Heart breakfast listeners got in touch this week to tell us about their worst presents, Ali got a tray from her Aunt, just what every fourteen year old wants. Pete got a toothbrush from his nan when he was nine and last year Jennie got a cheese grater from her mother-in-law that had old cheese on it. Maybe she tried it out first Jennie?

Of course everyone likes a cuddle right? I absolutely love them, in fact with a colleague I set up cuddle Wednesday. Every Wednesday after the show we'd have a good hug. After a particularly stressful week and a pretty strong hug for a couple of minutes, we both started crying because we loved it so much. So I'm definitely going to sign up for this when it reaches Southampton. Cuddle workshops are being set up in London, where after 4 hours getting acquainted you cuddle a stranger. I might set up my own free class.

Saturday 13th December

We went back into the depths of our memories this week on Heart breakfast, while thinking about things that happened at Christmas when we were kids but don’t happen now. The reason I started talking about this is, that rather than buy someone a CD album, I have instead bought them an iTunes voucher. It feels so weird buying people a virtual present, I remember being at the CD player in a nano second to play my new music. The other thing that I remember from Christmas as a child is that if you didn’t already have the batteries for that toy that you’d hankered after all year, you’d had it. There were no shops open, not even a garage. We all used to wear our special Christmas day outfit, Granddad would wear his new waistcoat, not a reindeer onesie, Dad would have a novelty apron on which everyone thought was the funniest thing ever. My stocking always had a Satsuma in it, that I would place back in the fruit bowl straight away. And lastly the presents under the tree were not to be opened until dinner was eaten and Carols had been sung, oh no, wait, that one still happens in our house.

Saturday 6th December

A group of ladies have taken part in the most terrifying mums race ever. This is not normally the time of year when we think about sports days, they're normally saved for the summer term. But of course in Australia it's really warm at the mo and the perfect time for the school to hold its annual race day. Being Aussie they don't have an egg and spoon race, they go surfing. Whilst the mums were swimming around on their boards trying to catch a break, an onlooker spotted a shark beside them. It then started jumping in and out of the water. Terrifying stuff. The biggest danger at ours is tripping over your own feet and embarrassing your little one.

By this time of year, kids have normally written their letters to Father Christmas, there have been some strange requests for the big man this year though. Lots of requests for food from Heart Breakfast listeners, Tracey’s son has asked for a roast and a doughnut, while Cassie’s five year old daughter has added a fresh pineapple to her list. Alison’s daughter will be made up on December 25th if she gets a Biro. And Karen had to give Santa a bit of a hand to find what her 3 year old son had asked for, a real bus conductor’s ticket machine, they had to go to a museum to get it.

Saturday 29th November

We’re all under pressure at this time of the year to be ready for Christmas. That one day a year causes so much hassle. Putting the tree up, fighting through the crowds in the shops and having to spend a whole day wrapping presents. All laborious things that have to be done, none as monotonous as writing your Christmas cards though. Every year I try and get the list down to under one hundred, but I buckle under the pressure and send them to everyone I’ve ever met. Another hurdle for me is trying to remember names to put in the cards. New babies have been born, I can never remember their names, people have got married, I can never remember their new married surname and new boyfriends, and I’ve no chance of remembering those. So, for an hour this week, I had to trawl facebook doing my research.

We are apparently living in bridezilla Britain. A new survey has revealed that one of the happiest days of a woman’s life does not carry the same feeling by her closest friends. Nearly three-quarters believed they had been lumbered with an unflattering outfit, to make the bride look prettier. I had bright red hair when I was maid of honour at my mate’s do, it was so bright that she thought it clashed with the lilac dress and made me wear a wig!

Saturday 21st November

Gemma Collins from The Only Way Is Essex quit the I’m a celebrity, get me out of here jungle this Wednesday after just a few days. I find it so strange that she didn’t work out that it would be hard going. Surely she’s watched the programme before? Anyway, it reminded me of when I quit a job after just one day. I was working in a factory making parts for washing machines, I had no problem with that, but I had to leave after having to listen to lots of women talking about their diets for eight hours, I just couldn’t stand it. Rich and I had a big laugh on Heart Breakfast though when Emma from Alresford got in touch and told us that she’d joined a dance group and quit halfway through the first song. And Julie who said her Dad had quit giving her driving lessons seven minutes into the very first one.

Pizza Hut launched its own perfume this week. When faced with this information, my initial reaction is ‘eeeurgh’ why would anyone want to smell like that, but after thinking about it, I will be adding it to my letter to Santa. I’m a single girl who spends a fortune on expensive perfumes to smell nice for the opposite sex. But what I saw in the carvery last weekend changed my mind. Guys go nuts for a roast dinner, so I’m thinking of bringing out my own fragrance, Eau de Gravy.

Saturday 15th November

We were at fever pitch this week on Heart breakfast at the news that Tom Cruise was in town to film Mission Impossible 5. I went out cruising for Cruise, donning binoculars I went to Royal Victoria Country Park to see if I could catch a glimpse of the man himself across the water at Fawley power station. No need, our lovely listeners spotted him all over the place. He was spotted in Shoezone Eastleigh, buying slippers, in Nando’s West Quay, going for the hottest chicken and trying out the sofas in DFS Hedge End.

I’m feeling pretty smug at what I’ve achieved this week. I have finished all my Christmas shopping. Apparently women spend about thirteen hours traipsing round the shops collecting up gifts to go under the tree. However men only spend around three hours doing the same. My Dad trumps the lot though, only spending seconds doing his festive shop. He hands me some cash on Christmas eve and sends me to the stores to find something that my Mum will like to unwrap. I arrive home with bags of pressies, then my Dad gets my brother to wrap it up. I can’t work out if it’s lazy or genius.

Saturday 8th November

I was criticised this week when I announced that I was going Christmas shopping after the show. What’s wrong with doing it now? My facebook feed is already full of bah humbugs, saying that it’s still too early to even think about getting festive. John Lewis have released their advert, which will make everyone add a penguin to their letter to Santa, and that gives me licence to head to the shops and get sorted for the big day. There’s no way I want to be traipsing around the stores with what feels like a million other people and getting annoyed at a queue that’s fifty strong and putting the stuff back and going home empty handed.

Coronation street got me way too excited this week. It wasn’t the Tracey and Rob wedding going wrong, no it was a minor thing that I spotted in the Platt household. Gail Platt has the same peg bag as me! I know, amazing. Listeners to Heart Breakfast got involved too, telling Rich and I what they’d seen on tele that they owned. Eddie had spotted his Denby mugs on Emmerdale in the King household and then had spotted them being used for a cuppa in the Queen Vic in Eastenders. And Kate spotted Deirdre Barlow ironing in a dress that her mum had for best.

Saturday 1st November

I have no problem with turning forty, but I’ve realised it’s everyone else that has an issue with it. I hit the milestone last weekend and had three parties to celebrate. I didn’t feel any different when the clock struck midnight on Saturday and I have noticed no change this week. But my mum couldn’t shut up about it on Sunday and kept saying that she couldn’t believe I was in my fourth decade and even said that I was well in to my forties on Monday. The first email I opened on Sunday morning, expecting a lovely happy birthday message from my friends, was asking if I’d written a will yet and my first bit of post was from the doctors, inviting me for an over forties health MOT. Thanks everyone.

Taxi’s of the future will broadcast your favourite TV shows on their screens and they will know so much about you, the cab will turn up before you order it. This is the most fantastic invention for me, combining TV and nights out. I’ve always had a bother sending myself home after a few drinks, I always want to be the last one at a party, so having a cab anticipate that you need to go home, is perfect. Maybe they can go one step further and be like your dad picking you up from the school disco, dragging you out?

Saturday 25th October

Tomorrow I go over the hill and life starts apparently. I still can't say the number but it rhymes with naughty. I had the best party last Saturday at Grand Cafe and felt very loved at the amount of people that came along to celebrate with me. But I crashed badly on Monday, the thought of hitting a milestone birthday made me anxious. Have I done enough with my life, have I got time to do everything on my list? Am I on target with my life plan? I'm sure this happens to everyone at some point and I'm sure they, like me, will get past it in a week, there’s nothing you can do about getting older is there?

I’ve been looking at my Facebook page in a bit more detail this week and realised a few things. The first is that I obviously like to look popular. I pretty much accept everyone who friend requests me and have built up a list of hundreds of mates. Of course, out of all those people there are only a few that I see all the time, so I decided to have a cull. I’m a big fan of grabbing people I meet all over the place and connecting on the social media site, but when I come across someone who I met on a ski-ing trip over 5 years ago, she’s from Essex and is now 19 years old, she’s got to go.

Saturday 18th October

My big birthday is fast approaching, don’t mention the number, and I knew I wouldn’t get away with letting it pass without marking it. So tonight I’m having a bit of a do. I’ve been stressing about it for weeks now. Initially I worried that no one would turn up because I’d left it too late to invite my mates, so I sent the date out months ago at the start of the summer. My new worry is that there will be too many people turn up. Lots of friends have said yes they’ll be there, but they’re bringing one or two people with them. Heart Breakfast listener Joe said Peter Crouch was in the same bar as his thirtieth and took all the attention away from him and I hope I don’t end up in the same situation as Leeanne who’s best mate split up with her fella at Leeanne’s celebrations, so she had to console her all night rather than get on with having a great time.

I witnessed the cutest thing this week, after asking my twenty month old daughter what she would like for dinner, she replied with the same thing as she always does “Toast! Jam!” I suggested having beans on toast as something different. Lois smiled said yes and started to make a buzzing sound. She’d been doing it for while before I realised the reason behind it. My little un had thought that I was offering her bees on toast for her dinner. I’ve decided it will stick forever and this story will be rolled out every Christmas and birthday.

Saturday 11th October

For one day of the year it’s the only thing people talk about and everyone says that they are going to do it way more often. For that day they will be served in every house, there are even races in the streets in their honour. They pledge to buy their eggs, flour and milk and mix them into a batter, stick them in the frying pan and cook them up to cover them in lemon and sugar. But I did it this week. Yep, on a very autumnal morning I made pancakes. They were supposed to be for my little girl, but after a first bite she decided she didn’t like them, so I ate them, all of them.

Is it a bit of a cop out to get engaged when you’re expecting a baby? The fact is that you have a tie for life on the way and I wonder if a proposal is watered down when perhaps the guy thinks that he ‘should’ go down on one knee. Or maybe he has a much greater love for his girl now she’s carrying his son or daughter. A friend of mine arrived home with her new bundle of joy and managed to get engaged after her boyfriend announced “I suppose we’d better get hitched then?” Oh the romance.

Saturday 4th October

I have a big birthday coming up this month and have already had friends and family asking if there’s something I would like as a gift. I’m sure the response they are looking for is something like a lovely necklace or a nice new handbag, not what I’m actually asking for, a hoover. It’s ok to ask for mundane presents right? It’s something I want and need. This week we found out Heart listeners have done the same, Carey got a tax disc for the car, Zoe got an apple slicer, even though she doesn’t like apples and Annette got as toilet brush from her husband.

I feel awful, my little un hates me. In the news yesterday, they said that there were way too many kids with tooth decay at a very young age. Lois at 20 months old does really well, she doesn't drink anything other than water, no demanding squash yet and she rarely eats sweets (I won't share mine). She's always been really good at cleaning her teeth ever since that first peg arrived at just a few months old she saw it as a treat to give them a good brush. But right now we are teething with about 54 teeth coming through at the same time and so putting the brush in her mouth is a nightmare. I was only trying to help her brush, she started screaming and backing away. I don't want her to hate me for making her do something painful but I do want her to have lovely pearly whites. I guess it's just another power struggle, at not even 2, can I expect these regularly for the next couple of decades???

Saturday 13th September

Soon there will be an influx of new students in town. The fresher’s turn up looking both nervous and excited, unsure of what lies ahead for them. I remember how I felt when I left home for the first time. I didn’t appreciate my folks until I left home. There’s no more bank of mum and dad, no one to make sure you’re out of bed, I didn’t even know how to do my washing. It’s a time when you actually start to grow up, but I have to say I still ring my mum for advice, last week I rang her to find out how long to boil an egg for. If I was going to give students advice from my own experience of moving out, it would be, even though you miss your parents, they don’t appreciate a call from you to hear their voice at 2am!

My 19 month old daughter has hundreds if not thousands of toys. They adorn every part of the house, but does she want to play with any of them? No, my little Lois has decided the best and most interesting thing to play with is a plug socket. I could be upstairs and I will hear the switch being turned off, on, off, on. What can you do? I gave her quite a stern telling off, which she cried at. But that only seems to make it more attractive. I don’t want her to stick her finger in the socket and get an electric shock, she’s already got frizzy hair.

Saturday 6th September

It’s been that weird week of the year where we try to get back to a normal routine. The kids went back to school, everyone came back from their holidays and the traffic was back to its usual chaos in the mornings. It seems that most of us have been thrown by it in some way, getting to work late because we’ve forgotten the extra fifty thousand cars on the road. Or like Heart Breakfast listener, getting to the work fridge too late to get her lunch in. Even the most organised amongst us have been caught off guard, like Lianne who tried to be sorted at the beginning of the summer, buying her son's school uniform early. But he had a growth spurt and went to school this week in trousers that were way to short for him. And Ness who bought tights instead of socks for her boys, whilst in a last minute rush.

We’ve now seen the pictures of Brangelina getting married and I have to say I love her dress. Their children did lots of doodles and pictures, they were then embroidered on to the back of the gown. I really enjoy it when people do things a little differently, like my friend Veronica, who had glasses of beer not the usual champagne at her reception. I would have loved to be at the doo where the table cloths were pirate ones from poundland. And why not?

Saturday 30th August

The summer holidays are nearly over and it’s time to get rid of all the sand that accumulated in the foot wells. It also means those games you’ve played, whilst stuck in a traffic jam for three hours, will also fall by the wayside. I didn’t realise how popular yellow car spotting had become. It’s the game my brother and his family play, five points if you spot a yellow mini, one point for anything else. Heart breakfast listener, Andy, has a different version where him and his girlfriend give each other a little slap on the thigh if they see the gold vehicle first. Apparently it doesn’t make for a very happy girlfriend.

I always thought that when you gave birth, all of a sudden you were given a super power, to be able to cook the most amazing, wholesome meals that your children will love. My 18month old daughter loves her grub, at a carvery the other day, she fired into a big bowl of Sunday roast and ate the lot. She will wolf down anything made by my mum and even chows down on a curry in our favourite restaurant. But, if I make dinner, even something as simple as potatoes and veg, she holds it in her mouth for a second then spits it out! A friend makes spaghetti bolognese, Lois can’t get enough of it! But my spag bol makes a sharp return, normally down her clean top.

Saturday 23rd August

Houses and flats these days don’t have a great deal of storage and if you’re like me you’ll use your car as an extra cupboard. Too many times over the years I’ve opened the boot to put shopping in and found there’s no room amongst the rubbish I’ve put in there. For at least a couple of years I was driving round with a brass horn in the boot, as I had no where to put it in my place. On Heart breakfast this week we spoke to Natalie who has a hamster cage stored in her car, but hasn’t had the time to go and buy a hamster to go in it. Other useless items being driven around are a dancing Christmas tree, a toffee apple maker and a box for a floppy disc drive.

After buying a mop from Tesco for just three pounds, I have been asked to do a review of it. How am I supposed to do that? What would I write about? The absorbency of it? The length of the handle? The ease of swishing?

Saturday 16th August

We are all guilty of hoarding aren’t we? My parents have been going on at me for over twenty years now to go through the boxes of stuff I’ve accumulated in their loft. There’s old toys from my childhood, birthday cards and old school books and they will probably stay there for another twenty years. People keep strange things though, like Heart breakfast listener, Amanda who has kept a Pepe key ring from when she was ten. And Sharon who still has all her children’s milk teeth, even though they are now all in their thirties. This one made me laugh, Lucy’s mum still has the actual stitches from when she cut her head open aged five.

I’ve joined a dating site, I’m looking for love and got very excited when a guy started messaging me. But the questions he asked were a bit weird, see what you think? First he asked how long I’d been on the site, That’s ok. Then he asked how it had gone, had I had any dates, slightly strange. Then he wanted to know how long I’d been single, is it just me or is that a little weird? I’ve always been told not to talk about ex’s and thought that men would want to know about my taste in music and hobbies, not my dating history.

Saturday 9th August

The south coast is a great place for celebrity spotting. We’re all guilty of seeing that person off the tele and pointing them out to our mates. A-lister Tom Cruise was at Glorious Goodwood last Friday, but an even bigger star was seen in New Milton. The darts player ‘The Crafty Cockney’ Eric Bristow was spied in new Milton, outside a snooker club, of course. Heart listeners have been on the case too, Dave spotted Des Lynam picking up some steaks at the meat counter in Tesco. Liz saw Cilla Black in a burger bar, but Karen has the best one, she helped Patricia Routledge, Mrs Bucket from Keeping up Appearances, put her shopping into her car in Chichester.

They’re brave souls that work in shops aren’t they? I’m not talking about the courage they have to conjure up to talk to that awkward customer when they’re making a complaint, but shoes. I’m quite superstitious, I always salute a single magpie and say “Good morning Mr Magpie.” Just because someone told me years ago that I should or I’d have bad luck. The other old wives superstition I can’t get out of my head is that bad luck will also be invited into your life if you put new shoes down on a table. So, there I was at the till, new shoes in hand, waiting for the assistant to take them from me and put them on the counter. I can’t do it myself, but the man took them from me and placed them down with guts.

Saturday 1st August

Panic set in this week when I lost my 18 month old daughter in a shop. We were in Kiddicare Hedge End browsing around the clothes, when she walked around the other side of the rail and picked up about 8 bras and bought them back to me. I put them back and continued shopping. She wandered off, I presumed, to go and get the bras again, so I went to find her. Lois wasn’t there this time. I checked all around the clothing section, not there. I went all around the car seats that she likes to climb into, she wasn’t there. I looked over in the buggy department, not there. My heart started to race, where had she gone? There would be no point in putting out a tannoy announcement, she wouldn’t understand it and take herself off to meet me at customer services would she? I started shouting her name, it felt like I was calling a dog back in the park. All of a sudden, I heard her little voice saying “Ni night”. She’d found a bed and decided that it would be great fun to get in it, lie down, pull the duvet over her and say “Ni night” to everyone that came anywhere near.

With the Commonwealth games on this week, my passion for gymnastics has been re-ignited. My co-host on Heart breakfast, Rich, thought it would be a nice idea to take me to Southampton Gymnastics club to let me have a go. I haven’t really thrown myself around like that since I was a kid and what a shame that is. You hit the age of 18 and things like that don’t happen anymore. It’s frowned upon to do a cartwheel on the beach when you’re in your 30’s. But, I really miss doing headstands in my living room.

Saturday 26th July

We, here in the United Kingdom, are becoming Americanised. The schools broke up this week for their annual 54 week summer holiday, there were lots of mums at the primary school gates crying at the thought of their children going off to big school in September. But the sight that perturbed me a little was all the photos on my facebook feed, of little uns ‘Graduating’ from nursery. The teeny tiny 4 year olds in proper caps and gowns at a ceremony with a scroll in their hand. We already have school prom and baby showers taking over, do we really need this too?

Apparently the biggest cause of distress on a dinner date for women is having their food ordered for them. Oh please, where has this ever happened in the last 20 years? It’s something that happened in years gone by and in films only. I can’t imagine the pressure both parties are under when a man try’s to be gallant and masculine and pick what the lady would like to eat. If it was a situation that I ever ended up in, there would be something wrong, the steak not cooked correctly, the sauce over the veg not on the side, wrong size chips, all deal breakers, end of date.

Saturday 19th July

At this time of year, there are lots of students going off to do work experience. It’s your first foray in to the working world and I have very fond memories of it. Whilst at college studying performing arts I went to a radio station in my first year. I didn’t really get to experience the on air side of things, but I remember being chuffed to bits when they gave me a free CD that they’d been sent by a record company, even though I’d never heard of the artist. In my second year of studying drama and music I went in a different direction, choosing to do work experience on a farm. I had been a member of the young farmers group for a few years and had never done any farming, it was going to be my only chance so I took it. So it was a choice of getting up early to do the milking or getting up early, but with free Cd’s, I went for the free CD’s.

I could tell that my kid was mine this week after my seventeen month old daughter managed to shut her fingers in a door. Whilst at a toddler group in West End, she decided that it was time to leave and flung the doors open, they of course swung back, catching her digits. I ran over and scooped her up as she opened her mouth as wide as it goes and started what I call ‘silent screaming’. The poor thing was in so much pain that she held her breath for so long, she started to go blue. The other ladies started panicking but I knew that she would make a gasp and start crying any second. I know that she’s mine because that’s exactly what I used to do when I was little. In fact I used to hold my breath for so long I would pass out, my mum didn’t worry too much though, I’d always rally after a few seconds.

Saturday 11th July

It’s been an awful summer of sport for the English hasn’t it? We were never really in the world cup, Andy Murray was knocked out of Wimbledon far earlier than we would’ve wanted and this week, heartbreak as Chris Froome, the favourite to win, pulled out of the Tour De France after crashing. But never fear, pride has been restored by Heart listeners. Emi-Lou beat her personal best at Race for Life last week on the common, Helen won ‘Splat the Rat’ with her first go at a fete and Aneka beat her three year old daughter at Hungry Hippos yesterday. Medals all round guys.

It feels like everyone is off on their holidays at the moment and there are certain rituals that you have to go through when you get back. Putting fifty four photos of the people you went with, the food you ate and a beach sunset up on facebook is the first. You must also wear a white top on your return to work. When you see your colleagues for the first time in a fortnight, you will obviously be asked how was your holiday? The answer is always the same, ‘good thanks.’ The following question is always asked too ‘What did you get up to?’ to which there’s normally a mundane reply. But not for my friend Lorelei who went for a lovely relaxing week in North Wales and just happened to have a baby while she was there!

Saturday 5th July

Last weekend I babysat for my ten year old niece, Courtney and my eight year old nephew, Charlie. After an afternoon on the slip and slide, trying to wear them out ready for bed, we settled down in front of the tele to watch the DVD Charlie had bought with him. It was the newest version of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, starring Johnny Depp. Now, I don’t really know the story, so thank goodness Charlie was totally up to speed with every character’s back story. In fact the commentary was so good, there was no actual reason for me to watch it. When I asked him sarcastically if he’d seen the film before, his reply was “Yeah, I saw it last night!”

This week I went for my first run in two years and I was made to feel quite special, like I was in the club. I have never realised this, but all runners talk to each other as they go past. Just a simple hello, or a good morning, even if they’re really going for it, puffing and panting, there will always be at least a nod of the head. Other things are acknowledged in pretty much the same way, my co-host on Heart breakfast Rich drives a Fiat 500, they always give a little wave as they go past. Poor old moped riders though, motor bikers will give a nod to other bikers, but never the scooters, they’re apparently not cool enough.

Saturday 28th June

There’s a new craze that's sweeping the nation, every little girl I know has jumped on the bandwagon. Loombands. If you’ve never heard of them, they are tiny little coloured elastic bands that you weave together on a loom to make things like bracelets and hairbands. They’re very much like one of the big things from my childhood, friendship bracelets, where I spent hours plaiting coloured cotton together to make pressies for my mates. But, what was the big thing from when you were a kid? Was it my little pony, Pogs, trolls, or did you try and master the art of yoyo-ing?

Where do snails go when it’s warm and sunny? My house, thats where. A snail seems to have gone rogue in my house this week. Every morning I come down the stairs and my eye is caught my a trail of slime glistening in the sunlight. Each time I spot the marks I start to search the living room for the critter, but he must have made the most amazing hiding place for himself. I go under the table, behind the curtains inside little'uns push along car, but he’s obviously too fast for me. I just want to catch up with him, have a bit of a chat, tell him that he’d be happier outside where his mates are.

Saturday 21st June

So, that's it, the world cup is over for England, unless all the other country's teams dropped out because they couldn’t be bothered. I have a found a new way of watching our national team and used it last weekend for the first match against Italy. As the game was on so late, I was in bed and asleep before it started, but I put it on my Sky+ to watch in the morning. The next day I asked on twitter whether it was worth watching, to which the replay was a big NO!!! Great that's that sorted then. I couldn’t help but watch the Thursday game though but as I have to get uo early, I decided to get into my pyjamas and watch it from my bed. It felt so weird not being in a pub with a drink in my hand and when Rooney scored I wanted to jump around hugging my mates, but with my baby girl asleep in the next room, all I could do was hold my arms aloft and whisper “Yessssss!”

Most people get the blues when they arrive home from a holiday. We all have different ways of getting over it. For my Heart Breakfast co-host Rich, it was booking to go away again, on a crazy weekend to Magaluf. I’m much more easily pleased, I’m as happy as with my tele being on and catching up with all the shows I’ve missed. It really does please me to sit and watch five hours of Coronation street.

Saturday 14th June

Last weekend, I, along with ten girlfriends went off on a trip to Albuferia, Portugal. Half of us were celebrating big birthdays this year and needed a holiday to ease the pain. It became a vacation full of tat. We arrived with suitcases full of things bought from cheap cards shops. Over sized badges, balloons and tiaras were donned one evening and as soon as we hit the bars, we accumulated more tacky pieces from the street traders. Covered in more flashing lights than the dance floor, we thought we looked quite good, but looking back at the photos, that wouldn’t seem to be the case.

I’m not really excited about the world cup, is it just me that seems to have missed out on football fever this time around? Two years ago it was the London Olympics and I went crazy for it. I watched the torch relay come through Southampton, went to the Olympic Park to watch Great Britain in the Hockey and couldn’t take my eyes off the television for a second, I was gripped. I loved the flags that were everywhere and the coming together of a nation. But, when I hear even Alan Shearer saying we’ll be doing well if we even reach the quarter finals, I find it hard to feel enthusiastic. I, of course, hope that England will do great, but maybe after years and years of media pressure, we’ve all become realists?

Saturday 7th June

I need two things sorted out, both involving plane journeys. The first is arm rest wars. We need this put to bed, when you get to your seat on a flight and sit down, I'm always confused as to whether the arm rest to my left or right is my territory. There is normally a tussle over the seat divider that goes on for at least half the flight, it should be in the terms and conditions when you book with an airline. My second issue is with priority boarding. I understand that you don't want to queue, but why would you want to get on the plane first and then have to wait for the other hundred people to get on. Surely passengers with priority should be able to get on at the last minute?

Saturday 1st June

Last weekend with an awful weather forecast my brother, his family, me and my daughter headed to Legoland Windsor. Because of the heavy rain that was supposed to be on the way, we took a change of clothes so we’d be dry for the journey home. The day was amazing and stayed dry all day long. The same could not be said for me and the rest of the gang after five minutes in the park. I made the school boy error of going on a water raft ride first. It seemed like a good choice, there was no queue and it was one of the bigger rides. We got totally soaked. After that epic fail I asked our lovely listeners for their rules of the theme park. Here’s what came in, do not eat a Big Breakfast before you go! (For obvious reasons!) When on the log flume, make sure the biggest person goes at the back of the ride so you glide across the water and don’t get wet. And don’t make the same mistake as Megan who went to Thorpe park, don’t wear flip flops on a rollercoaster that goes upside down, they’ll end up in some random bloke’s chips and you’ll end up barefoot for the rest of the day.

As per usual when it’s half term, the rubbish weather turns up. I do remember being a kid in the holidays when I go stuck indoors for the day because it was chucking down. I remember baking cakes with my mum, well, I say baking, they wouldn’t make it into the oven, I would just eat the cake mix. Other activities included making dens out of sofa cushions and tea towels and of course my mum’s favourite, timing us to see if we can beat last weeks time for the hoovering.

Saturday 24th May

Last Saturday I was on a packed beach, everyone it seems had the same idea as me and went to the seaside for the day. Don’t get me wrong, I love the atmosphere that comes with a lot of people grouped together, but it can get very embarrassing. I had taken my little un down to the water and was running back up the beach chasing her as she giggled away. I hit uneven ground and before I knew it was face planting the sand. On it’s own, not too bad an event to get over, but when your mates start clapping and everyone around them joins in, I just wanted to run back into the sea.

Clapping is a weird thing, it can make you feel really great or really bad. For instance, Claire got a round of applause after chasing a dog all the way around a park trying to retrieve her daughter’s doll from it’s mouth. Good. Nick managed to throw his banana skin in the office bin without having to get up from his seat. Good. But an example of when you would rather not get a clap, Lisa took seven goes at getting into a parking space outside the Co-op and got applause from everyone at the till.

Saturday 17th May

I remember a time in the distant past when I used to have two working arms. I remember a time when I could move my feet freely around the kitchen. But now one of my limbs is constantly out of use for anything other than carrying my 15 month old daughter. What's the equivalent of tennis elbow? Mothers shoulder? Baby holding bicep? Or bubba back? I'm sure I've got all three!

Yep my little un wants to be carried all the time, apart from, and this is guaranteed, when I take her on her first flight this week. Oh yeah, she won't want to be anywhere near me then, not when she has to be strapped to me. I'm currently taking things out of my bag so I can fit all the distraction toys in that I want to take for her. Drinks, etch-a-sketch, colouring books, iPads , music, films, books, teddies, toy phones and food. Anything else you can suggest? I have a feeling that it's going to be a very long hour in the air!

Saturday 10th May

Does anyone else find it a bit weird that an air freshener company has bought out a range that will bring the smells of the outside inside? They’ve apparently recreated the scent from our national parks like the Brecon Beacons and the Peak district and now your living room can have the same aroma. Isn’t it just fresh air? If that’s what you want, just open a window. I do however like the thought of ‘real’ smelling fresheners. I would definitely go for a plug in that would send a whaft of bacon around my bedroom. Or how about a spray of the smell of freshly baked bread in your loo, or everyone’s favourite, the scent of a baby’s head in the kitchen. I think I might ring the company with some suggestions.

In Bristol last weekend they gave one of their streets an amazing makeover, with cars banned, they set up a slip and slide for the length of the hill. The Park Street ‘Park and slide’ was so popular 96,000 people applied to go on it. Well, who wouldn’t want to go on a water slide in the middle of the city? I think we should take the idea on a little bit, instead of cycle lanes, cover them in tarpaulin, send water and fairy liquid down it and you’ve got the most fun journey to work.

Saturday 3rd May

I can’t decide if I feel good or bad about something I did this week, I’ll leave you to make up your own mind up. Driving along the road with my mum and my one year old daughter in the car, we went past a house with a car parked outside which had a trailer attached and it was full of brightly coloured plastic bits that looked like a dismantled kids play house. Then on the top was a toddlers toy car, you know one of the red and yellow ones that’s like a Fred Flintstone car. I totally looked to me like they were getting ready to take it to the tip. Now, I’ve always been told, if you don’t ask you don’t get, so I turned my car around and drove back to the house, knocked on the door and asked the very surprised resident if they were throwing the car out? Half an hour later I was getting the toddlers vehicle out of my car to give it a clean up. My daughter is over the moon with it and only wants to be in her car in the garden now. So, am I just a cheapskate? Or should I get bonus points for recycling?

Saturday 26th April

Moving house is so so stressful. Last week, the day arrived to shift all my stuff from my flat into my new place. It had already taken me two weeks to pack everything into boxes and bags and there was so much stuff piled in my living room, the removals guys had very worried looks on their faces. Theres always something sent to try you on a testing day like this, the sofa wouldn’t fit in the lift to go down two floors, so they tried to take it down the stairwell and of course it got stuck. It then had to come back up to my flat and go down the back stairs. In total that took about an hour. The rest of my bits and bobs also took hours to load and even longer to unload at the other end. The rest of the day was busy with trying to find places for things to go and trying to keep my tool kit from getting lost. At the end of the day some friends came over to have a nose around my new pad, they brought with them the thing that I reckon christens every new home...Fish and chips. On your first night in a new place there is no other meal to have is there? So thats it I’m in, Sky tv is on and I’ve had a fish supper, I don’t think it could get more homely. Now, where’s the ketchup?

Saturday 19th April

I moved house this week and obviously have been living within a load of boxes for a couple of weeks. It’s always a great time to go through your stuff and chuck out anything that you no longer need or want. I’m amazed at how much I’ve accumulated over the six years and how much you can actually have in a two bed flat. Lets just take one cupboard for example, in there was two baby car seats, a baby walker, six sleeping bags, an iron, a mop, a trike, four bags of coats, a tent and a bin bag’s worth of scarves. Who needs that many scarves? I also found old video tapes, I haven’t had a video player for ten years!

What a wonderful sunny week we’ve had, it really feels like the summer is here. It totally felt like we turned a corner after that awful rain. I also had another sign that the good weather was here, I got bitten by gnat, all around my belly button and on my ankle. There were signals all around too, builder took their tops off, the shop had run out of calipo’s and people start to wear sunglasses that are too big for their face.

Saturday 12th April

Who have you had to sit next to? A friend of mine, Naomi, took the ferry to the Isle of Wight this week, a very nice trip in the sunshine, but it was spoilt. When having to share a double seat on public transport you always hope for a fairly normal fellow passenger don’t you? The guy sitting next to her was scoffing a curry pot noodle, before 8 o’clock in the morning! Have a think about who you’ve had to sit next to? Was it as bad as Kim who went to sleep on a flight to New York and awoke to a stranger massaging her feet?

What a lovely sight, a donkey walking into the Tesco express in Brockenhurst last week. Was he there to do his weekly shop, or just get a few bits for tea? Those animals in the New Forest are pretty confident, they turn up in a lot of places. Listener Diana came across a couple of ponies sticking their head through a window at a cafe and got back to find one in their tent. But the best I heard about an animal being in a weird place was a ferret that made it’s way on to a dance floor at a house party.

Saturday 5th April

A very awkward situation arose at a party I was at last Saturday. I was stood at a table with a friend of mine, Sharon, when a man she’d never met came over to us and moved in closer to Sharon. He moved closer and closer, before slipping his arm around her waist and leaning in to whisper in her ear “Is that my beer there?” Sharon was shocked and stepped back, it then became obvious this was a case of mistaken identity when he added, “Oops, sorry, I thought you were my wife!!!” Well, they both have dark, long hair and were both wearing a black dress, but I still reckon he was in for a telling off when he got home.

We’ve all done the classic one where we wave at someone from a far then they don’t turn out to be the person you thought they were and you have to style it out but running your fingers through your hair, so embarrassing. How about this one though, I don’t think you could recover from this? Listener Crisha said that her husband once pinched her mums bum. He thought it was his wife bending over to get something out of the freezer when actually it was his mother-in-law wearing his wife’s dressing gown.

Saturday 28th March

Please hear me when I say we are wasting our time girls. You, I’m sure, are the same as me, clothes shopping is an all day mission. I walk into a shop and immediately am drawn to something glittery or a bright colour will catch my eye. I walk over to the dress or whatever it is and there’s something that I’m compelled to do, I have to touch it to see just how soft it is. Then of course, I fight my way to the changing rooms, laden down by the twenty dresses that I want to try on. I have honestly spent an hour in one shop’s dressing room, seeing if I can find that perfect Saturday night outfit. It’s a bit of a reality check to find out that we will on average try on and reject more than forty thousand items over our lifetime. You see, waste of time.

The no make up selfie has taken over social media this week. Thousands of girls have taken a photo of themselves in the mirror without any slap on. That’s amazing work ladies and I know how much courage it takes for you to be seen without your lippy on. It literally came out of nowhere and has raised five million for cancer research UK in the last week. The deal was to take a pic au naturel, then to text beat to a number to donate three pounds to the charity. Some did get it wrong though and mistakenly text bear and have managed to adopt a polar bear.

Saturday 22nd March

George Osborne stood in the House of Commons on Wednesday and delivered this years budget. Bingo tax was cut, we are able to save more in an ISA and a penny off a pint of beer. I think something very important has fallen by the way side, it hasn’t ever been mentioned in a budget before, but its something that could affect us all. The ‘you’ve been framed’ money has never gone up from £250 for a clip of us falling over or our child eating a lemon. The programme has been on our screens for nearly 25 years, surely the treasury should have a look at this?

Last week the Sunday Times published their list of the best places to live in the United kingdom. I was very proud to see Eastleigh and Fareham made it on to the list and it got me thinking about what’s the best thing about where I live? I would definitely say its the shop next door to my block of flats, Sizzler's kebabs. My co-host on Heart breakfast, Rich Clarke, loves that his neighbour takes his cat for a walk on a lead! But I’m packing my bags and ready to move in with listener Gayle, who is with a minutes walk of a Tesco, an Indian, a Chinese, a fish and chip shop and a kebab house.

Saturday 15th March

A woman has married a dog! She has been quoted as saying that she “Couldn’t think of anything more I would need from a life partner.” Weird huh? That’s what I thought, until I started to compare canines with ex’s of mine. How is a dog better than a partner? You can of course keep a pooch on a lead, they’re loyal and faithful. No matter how late you get home, a dog will always be over the moon to see you. If your spaniel gets dirty you just open the back door and put him out in the garden. And finally they will eat anything you put in front of them, with my cooking skills this is a major bonus.

In more animal news, a hostile cat kept its owners and their baby barricaded in a room for hours, after they were to scared of the kitty to come out. The puss is now in therapy for anger management and is said to be doing well at it. We had a snake once, at my parents house, jake, he had to go to snake rehab. He was apparently going through an adolescent stage and was trying to buff up for the girl snake by not eating for a couple of months. I still find it strange to think of animals being on a psychologists couch being asked about their childhood.

Saturday 8th March

Last weekend saw the annual, “Aren’t we great!” Oscars ceremony. No other business gets the same attention. Whether it be awards for the biggest beetroot, the funniest comedian or the fastest runner, they will always say it’s whichever industry’s equivalent to the Oscars. The highest accolade I’ve ever received was a certificate from my teacher when I left school for “Loudest contribution to discussion.” Others have received credit for their achievements too, Tess won an award for the shortest drive in a golf tournament. Trev said his Daughter got a gold medal in a beauty comp when she was 3 years old, but she was the only one who turned up. And Clare was top of the table on her school holiday and got the award for most gnat bites.

A survey has revealed an average British adult can’t throw things out. We are a nation of hoarders. Each of us on average is clinging on to over five hundred pounds worth of stuff we no longer use. I think these items will mostly be fads. And I’m ashamed to admit I’m included. I’m just about to move house and am appalled at the stuff I’ve kept over the years. So, come on, own up, how many times did you use that lava lamp before it was put in the loft? And even though you know you’ll never use them again you insist on keeping that CD walkman, you never know, you might like to listen to it when you go out on your roller blades.

Saturday 1st March

Sat nav is notorious for taking people to place they didn’t want to go. For the most part I’m amazed at the piece of technology which means I don’t have to use my brain or my memory to get to my destination, but it can go wrong. A dozy cyclist was caught on camera peddling along the hard shoulder of the M25 after his sat nav told him to take that route. You would realise that you were getting on a motorway though wouldn’t you? The big blue boards and the six lanes of fast moving traffic would be a bit of a give away wouldn’t it? It’s a problem lots of people come across. Heart breakfast listener Julie went through the Blackwall tunnel seven times before she considered the navigation system might be wrong. And Rich’s Mum ended up at Westminster Abbey instead of his house when she punched in the destination of London.

Since having a child my brain power has dwindled. I forgot that I’d put a bowl of curry on the sofa ready for me to eat and managed to sit in it after getting a drink from the kitchen. The chicken korma went all over the back of my dress and didn’t look or smell very pleasant. Most of us should look a little more closely before we take a seat after Lucy sat on a plug and says she never cried so much in her life. But taking the biscuit is Kerry who ended up on an old lady’s lap after she left the toilet door unlocked. She walked in backwards and didn’t realise there was anyone there. Oops!

Saturday 22nd Feb

Oh my goodness, who would have thought that a ‘puppet show could be so emotive. On Thursday night I went to the beautiful Mayflower theatre to see the West End smash, War Horse. I first heard about it a few years ago when my Dad mentioned that him and my Mum would like to go and see it in London. He started to explain that it’s the story of a horse that gets commandeered into the army to do his bit in the first World War, but rather than have live horses on stage that will obviously not do what you want them to, they have puppets. I’ve got to say, from two minutes into the show I completely forgot that they were puppets manipulated by the actors on stage. The horses twitch, shudder and rear up just like a real life one. The show is totally breath taking, intelligent and emotional, I had to wash my face after the performance ended, I was in a right state after sobbing through at least the last ten minutes.

An Italian cleaner has accidentally destroyed thousands of pounds worth of modern art, when she threw part of an exhibition in the bin. The art installation featured works made out of newspaper, cardboard and even biscuit crumbs, sprinkled across the floor. This poor woman obviously thought a school trip had been through the gallery and had left part of their lunch behind. I’ve thrown stuff away I shouldn’t have, I know that feeling when it feels like your heart has dropped to your boots. I always remember my housemate leaving a bag of washing by the front door to take to the launderette, I honestly thought I was doing her a favour by taking it with my wardrobe clear out stuff to the Charity shop. She didn’t see it that way.

Saturday 15th Feb

A Jumpsuit is apparently the least sexy thing that a woman can wear. I’ll have to throw mine out then? Why are us girls always told what not to wear? Don’t wear leggings, no spots with stripes, nothing with your bra strap showing. The guys seem to get away with wearing what they want and from looking around I think they could do with a little advice on their outfits. I’d like to start by saying no man looks good in a vest. No matter how good you think your biceps are, put them under a t-shirt sleeve at least. Three quarter length trousers do not, in anyway look good and if you insist on wearing jeans everyday, make sure they’re not of the skinny variety, you’re not a rock star.

It was my Little girl’s first birthday Last weekend. She had a lovely time at her Nanny and Pop’s house where we had forty friends and family round to celebrate. Can I recommend doing this for your child’s birthday party. Rather than having it at a venue, like a soft play centre, where it will cost you about a tenner a head, or at a community hall where you have to take all the toys, the cake and all the other catering along yourself, have it at the grand parents place. My mum and Dad decorated the house, cooked the food for adults and children and then played with the twenty kids that came too. Job done and all for free.

Saturday 8th of Feb

Good news for lonely girls, a life size pillow of heartthrob, Ryan Gosling. Yep, you can snuggle up to the movie star on those cold winter nights. I’ve never been one of those people that Cuddles into a cushion or a cuddly toy and was shocked to hear that my co-host on Heart breakfast, Rich, still has his teddy from when he was little. Bear, lives on his bed, but what do people think when they see this, he’s a grown man. But I couldn’t believe the response that came from listeners that also have their childhood toys. Some people have even handed their thread bare toys down to their own children. But, this is a little weird, listener Lesley still has a cardigan from when she was a baby, still snuggles up to it when she goes to bed.

The lovely, wish she was your gran, Mary Berry from the Great British Bake off, has this week been named Oldie of the year. Weird that you would get an award just for your age, but she is a lovely lady. I got thinking about what would qualify you for this accolade, what makes you an oldie? Is it going for a walk for no real reason, having a good sit down or sleeping on the sofa but swearing blind that you’re only ‘resting your eyes’. Or do you know you’re getting old by the fact that you take tea bags with you on holiday, or when you need glasses for the television remote but still look at it like an alien object.

Saturday 1st of February

We had a lot of fun on Heart Breakfast with Rich and Zoe last week doing retro week. Looking back at all those wonderful things from when you were a kid. Like watching Roland Rat in the school holidays, the ‘Accrington Stanley’ milk advert and the fact that everyone wanted a Mr Frosty but no one got one. But I loved the topic of ‘What will kids today never know?’ things like ‘give me three ring when you get home?’ Mobile phones and texts have taken over from this. Copying from the over head projector, no one under the age of 25 will understand that. Or chasing to the shops every week to buy a copy of smash hits for the lyrics to my favourite songs, there was no Google when I was a teenager!

I feel really stressed out at the mo, I’m house hunting yet again. This week, has been jam packed with appointments to see houses. I’m literally giving myself ten minutes in each place before running to the next one. So, I was pleased to take one off my list before even making the appointment. It looked like a lovely place, but I was put off when I was given the address and the property was number thirteen. I am pretty superstitious and I know everyone says it’s just a number, but that’s what they said when I booked my wedding for Friday thirteenth. That wedding never happened, it was cancelled a couple of months before I was due to walk down the aisle. So, it’s not lucky for me and there’s no way I’m going to live in a house of that number.

Saturday 24th January

King of the I’m a celerity jungle, Kian Egan is going to record and release a solo album. Of course, that’s what you do when you win a reality show, you use the publicity to ride the crest of a wave and make pots of money. But, I think there’s another way for Kian to make hay while the sun shines. Dougie from McFly also won I’m a celeb, but he didn’t try to build a pop career on his own, instead McFly and ‘What i go to school for’ band, Busted got together to create a super group. Great idea, proved by the tour they’ve sold out. How about putting Westlife and Boyzone together to create Boylife? Or Westzone? Genius!

Race for life is just amazing. It’s the most wonderful, inspirational, heart warming day. And once again this year Heart has joined forces with Cancer Research UK's Race for Life, and you can join me on Team Heart in Southampton on 6th July. Maybe your new year resolution to get fit has disappeared into thin air, well set yourself a goal to do the 5k course with me. You can hot foot it, walk it, last year some girls even hula hooped round it. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not in great shape and so will be plodding round, just so I can have a chat, maybe even start a sing-along like last year! Get signed up at www.heart.co.uk

Saturday 18th January

I was very tickled this week about a story where a west midlands couple had booked two return flights to the Caribbean, but were turned away from the airport when they realised that they had in fact booked to fly from Birmingham....Alabama. Mr Jones had no choice but to get his car out of the long stay and drive home. I nearly made a similar mistake after I spotted a cheap buggy online, but I stopped my purchase when I realised that it was for as dolly, not a baby. Tracey’s son was very excited to order his first pair of trainers for his eighteenth birthday, but when they arrived they were a child’s size 7 and not an adults. But, Aaron must have been most disappointed when he ordered a Tottenham shirt, but the sports store had run out and so sent him an arsenal shirt instead

I am incensed by the car park at the Princess Anne hospital. It is a maternity hospital, so lots of pregnant ladies going in and lots of proud parents coming out with their bundle of joy in car seats. The thing that really gets my goat is that the spaces are so small. You can just about get your car in between the lines, but there is no chance of opening the door to get out. I reckon they want us to get out of the car then push it into a space? The anticipated problem happened this week while I was at an appointment there. It would seem that another car, red in colour, scraped down the side of mine. But I don’t blame the driver, it’s been an accident waiting to happen.

Saturday 11th January

Like many people I’ve been struck down with a cold. Well, I say it’s a cold, I ache to my bones, and I can’t even pick up my hands at some points. I thought it would probably go after a few days when I started to feel rotten the week before Christmas. It’s still here. Give me sympathy; I think this may be man flu. Never have I had a bug for so long. My normal practice is to remedy a virus with a bag of oranges and a lot of sleep, but this hasn’t touched it. With everyone having their own cold remedies, I asked our Heart listeners for suggestions. A very weird list came in, ranging from putting Vicks vapour rub on my feet before going to sleep, to eating pickled onion monster munch. What would that achieve? I suppose you wouldn’t pass the germs on, no one wants to get too close to your breath.

In true Zoe style I’ve got very over excited and have left myself in schtuck. My daughter will be one year old in a few weeks. Naturally I want to celebrate. I decided to have a little get together at my place. I wrote out an invite on Facebook and started adding names for the message to go to. I was a bit distracted and managed to send it to about fifty people. That wouldn’t be too bad but I’ve asked those fifty if they would like to bring along partners and children too…. Agghhhh! We only live in a two bed flat, there’s not enough room for everyone, if I have ten people round that’s pushing it. I honestly don’t know what to do? Shall I change the venue to a pub? Shall I cancel it? Can I throw a sickie the day before?

Saturday 4th January

There is a new trend amongst couples to go Dutch on the engagement ring. Can I just say I’m a traditionalist when it comes to these things and will not be putting money into a pot for this. I always thought the rules were that the man was to spend the equivalent of a month’s wages on the diamond, but it seems feminism is not dead. There are blokes all over Southampton now kicking themselves that they didn’t wait for this news. It might not be a new idea though. Back in the day when my parents met, my Dad proposed without a ring, they went to the shop to pick one out and my mum paid for it herself.

This could be a revolution to your Saturday night out, imagine not having to queue at the bar for your drinks. Forget having to jostle to the front of a four deep bar to get to the front where the server can’t hear you ordering three vodka and coke’s and takes half an hour to make a two mojitos. You can now order a round from your mobile. What a great idea! You could be finishing your drinks in one place and already ordering the cocktails in the next. This should be used in other places too. I’d love to be able to ring the supermarket en route so they have my shopping ready when I reach the door.

Saturday 21st December

I have a feeling I might be on Santa’s naughty list this year. I had a trip out to B&Q last weekend, I take my ten month old daughter, Lois there to look at the Christmas lights, it’s way cheaper than a grotto and there’s no queuing involved. As well as bright red reindeer and inflatable Father Christmas’ they have a whole array of singing and dancing animals. There’s the monkey that sings ‘we wish you a merry Christmas’ and the meerkats that dance to ‘Jingle bells’. It took a great deal of time and effort to start all eighty toys so they’d be singing and dancing at the same time, but I managed it. I’m quite proud of myself actually.

My family have been accused of having weird family traditions. I don’ think it’s strange at all that the tele is banned on Christmas day, it means we play games and talk to each other. We’re not allowed to open presents until after dinner, some years it’s dark before we see what Father Christmas has bought us. My mum’s favourite though is to get the carol sheets out after dinner and to sit round the table singing Christmas songs. But if you think that’s weird, how about Nikki’s mum banning mobile phones, or Nettie’s family who auction off the skin from the custard every year. I’m presuming they only do it between themselves; they don’t take the custard skin into town for everyone to get involved.

Saturday 13th December

I can’t wait until my daughter is old enough to join in with the school Christmas show. My Facebook page is full of proud parents posting pictures of their little darlings dressed as angels or sheep this week. A lot can go wrong though, when school kids take to the stage. Like listener Josie whose little girl Coco, took part in her first nativity this week. The storming performance went like this. One kid burped down the microphone by accident before he said his line, the Virgin Mary picked her nose and ate her bogies throughout. One of the sheep had a wedgie and couldn't leave his bum alone. The goat kept lifting her dress up and pulling the skin on her belly button. Mary couldn't remember Joseph's name so just called him Maurice. Two of the kings dropped their gifts for the baby Jesus and stood on them so they could see their mums and then the Third King mouthed 'mummy watch this' and licked his robe. The head of year teacher was looking very stressed the whole time.

I was over the moon this week to see a familiar face on the Royal Variety Performance. I’ve had a Chinese meal in Spain with one of the singers from Monday night’s show. But who I hear you ask? Robbie Williams? No. Olly Murs? Nope. Gary Barlow? No. I actually went for noodles with the opera singer Bryn Terfel. Yep, I’ve met the man who sang with Dame Edna Everage. Everyone’s got a random name drop haven’t they, like Laura who was waved at by the Vengaboys. Kim congratulated Keith Chegwin on the birth of his baby years ago. Amy has regretted for years that she turned down a kiss from Robbie Williams, when Take That were starting out, because he was wearing awful denim dungarees.

Saturday 7th December

We’re all under pressure at this time of the year to be ready for Christmas. That one day a year causes so much hassle. Putting the tree up, fighting through the crowds in the shops and having to spend a whole day wrapping presents. All laborious things that have to be done, none as monotonous as writing your Christmas cards though. Every year I try and get the list down to under one hundred, but I buckle under the pressure and send them to everyone I’ve ever met. Another hurdle for me is trying to remember names to put in the cards. New babies have been born, I can never remember their names, people have got married, I can never remember their new married surname and new boyfriends, and I’ve no chance of remembering those. So, for an hour this week, I had to trawl facebook doing my research.

Apparently people who sing are happier with their lives than those who sing alone. I love a good sing song and am often caught out when the microphones go on in the Heart radio studio at the end of a song, but that’s as far as it goes. I have seen the most amazing singers though; the Rock Choir have performed at a few events that I’ve hosted. They are wonderful singers and so happy with it. They must practise so much to get so good, I’d love to have a go, but I wouldn’t want to bring them down my tone deafness.

We’re all under pressure at this time of the year to be ready for Christmas. That one day a year causes so much hassle. Putting the tree up, fighting through the crowds in the shops and having to spend a whole day wrapping presents. All laborious things that have to be done, none as monotonous as writing your Christmas cards though. Every year I try and get the list down to under one hundred, but I buckle under the pressure and send them to everyone I’ve ever met. Another hurdle for me is trying to remember names to put in the cards. New babies have been born, I can never remember their names, people have got married, I can never remember their new married surname and new boyfriends, and I’ve no chance of remembering those. So, for an hour this week, I had to trawl facebook doing my research.

Apparently people who sing are happier with their lives than those who sing alone. I love a good sing song and am often caught out when the microphones go on in the Heart radio studio at the end of a song, but that’s as far as it goes. I have seen the most amazing singers though; the Rock Choir have performed at a few events that I’ve hosted. They are wonderful singers and so happy with it. They must practise so much to get so good, I’d love to have a go, but I wouldn’t want to bring them down my tone deafness.

Saturday 30th November

I am absolutely guilty of re-gifting. I’m sure that everybody receives presents for a birthday or Christmas that they don’t really want or is not to taste. But rather than leaving that nice bottle of bubble bath to go out of date, I wrap it up nicely and give it to someone else for a special occasion. Everyone’s happy. However, it can fall down if you don’t remember who gave you the gift in the first place. Like when Michael received a lovely office golf putting set from his parents, completely forgot about it for a year then wrapped it up and put it under the tree for his dad. His face was apparently not a picture of happiness when he opened it.

I was very surprised this week to hear that my Heart Breakfast counterpart, Michael Underwood had never heard of a ten bird roast. If you’ve never seen one of these I have an explanation. It’s basically like the Russian dolls, where you find a smaller one inside of each one. You start with something tiny like a pigeon and put that inside a duck, then that goes inside a Pheasant and continues on until you get to a goose or a turkey. It comes from medieval times when they would encase all the birds in a swan. Swans are obviously not used nowadays, I’ve found one online that ends in a goose, but I shan’t be having it for Christmas dinner this year at six hundred and seventy pounds! I’ll stick with a turkey drumstick.

Saturday 23rd November

What a nice surprise to log on to Facebook and find Lusho Chris staring back at me. I don’t expect you to know who Lusho Chris is, he was my first love. In the year above me at school, I used to follow him around like a puppy from the age of thirteen and wrote his name on my all my books. Seeing as he’d come up as a friend on the social network I got to thinking about whether it’s ever worked out when you’ve got back in touch with your first love? It obviously did when Natalie got back in touch with hers, after seventeen years apart, they’re getting married. Not such good news for Lucy who said her first true love broke her heart …twice! Her advice was to visit the past with extreme caution.

Nothing makes me want to touch something more than a sign saying ‘Do not touch!’ My mate Jolene is exactly the same, while on a tour of Graceland in America, she was stood in Elvis’ living room, where the king’s sofa was roped off. The temptation was too much and she leaned over the barrier to feel the seat where he sat. “Ma’am, please don’t touch the seats!” the tour guide boomed. Told off, good and proper. Listener Lorraine’s husband managed to touch a piece of the Titanic when it was on show in a museum, while she and the kids hid. And I think Kristy might be in trouble when her boyfriend realises she’s touched his box of chocolates in a big way.

Saturday 16th November

I’m trying to sell my flat at the moment and have had a couple of viewing this week. I was interested in what would sell a place and any tips anyone could give me. Like the one that’s been floating around for years, that you should bake bread or have a coffee peculator on as the smell makes it feel like home. I don’t like the smell of coffee or yeast so it wouldn’t sell anything for me. Tips though included putting out fresh flowers and spraying polish on radiators. But I loved Michelle who got in touch with us on Heart Breakfast to tell us not to have a party the night before and forget that people are coming to view your house the next morning, it doesn’t bode well.

I spent way too much money this week and I really didn’t mean to. I popped out for some wet wipes, they cost about a pound, but in the half an hour that I was out I managed to spend one hundred and twenty quid on a high chair and a baby walker! I’m not the only one though, Heart listener Karen went out for a Kagool and came back with a boat! Jennie went out to buy a light bulb and came back with a shed…..and a light bulb. And Terri went out for a chicken one Sunday for lunch; everyone was very surprised when she arrived home with a brand new car.

Saturday 8th November

I had a lovely ego boost, whilst sat waiting for a flight in the departure lounge eating a grab bag of salt and vinegar discos, I got chatted up. The guy had obviously been at the bar for too long, but I’ll take that. It got me thinking if there are any places or situations that are out of bounds? It would seem not, after asking Heart listeners. Sara went to a supermarket to get one of their freshly made pizzas and found the guy’s number on the polystyrene plate with the line ‘Is this too cheesy?’ Sophie was at the household recycling centre when she was approached by a man who wanted to take her out. Weird, but they’ve now got married.

I'm sorry to say, but I find it incredibly funny when my eight month old daughter gets upset. It's not that she's crying that sets me off, it's why the tears have arrived. Strangers give me awful looks, as if to say "don't you love your little girl?" The most recent incident was in the car wash. The jet spray was going around the car and Lois let out an almighty scream and was in floods of tears. I should have gone to console her, but instead I reached for my phone to video the occasion. Only thing is you can't hear her cries over the top of my cackling.

Now you have to understand that Lois is the happiest little un ever, she has a beaming smile for everyone. But she lets you know without a doubt if she doesn't like something. Like getting dressed or having her face wiped. Contrary to the noise that comes out of my daughter, there are no razor blades in her sleeves and no acid on the baby wipe. The other thing that really gets her going is the hand drier. I don't know what it is when I go into a public toilet and I turn it on after getting my paws wet, she hates it. In my mind, it's some sort of alien figure coming to take over the world and her mummy's first.

Saturday 2nd November

When you look back at your childhood are there some things in the memory bank that make you cringe? For me it has to be the way I thought I was cool at the roller disco when I was eight years old. My mate Debbie and I would get dressed up after school every Friday and head to the sports centre with our roller boots. We would always go armed with a box of tic tacs. On arrival, we would eat the sweets, then head to the toilets to fill the box with water. We thought we were sooo cool after skating a couple of circuits, we would stop and flip the lid of our tic tacs box to take a sip of water. I don’t know why it’s never taken off at running clubs?

This week I became more responsible. I took a red cross course in first aid and got so much out of it. It was primarily about treating babies and children, with the aim of giving me more confidence and less panic if something were to happen to my little one. But actually it does mean that I can use these skills wherever I am and on who ever would need it. It would be a great idea to teach this in schools surely? I’m in my thirties and always thought that you pumped the heart when doing CPR, when in fact its in the middle of the chest. It wouldn’t harm anything to teach this to everyone and would come in very handy.

Saturday 19th October

Putting an Iphone on a 60 degree wash and then tumble drying it doesn’t do it a lot of good apparently. I can say this from experience. Even though I took advice and put it in a bag of rice for a few days after, it was as dead as a dodo. But it seems it’s not the only thing that’s been washed accidently. Like Alice’s partner’s passport on the morning he was supposed to fly. Or Carol who should have checked her son’s trouser pockets and accidentally wash £20, but dried it and ironed it and it was fine. But taking the biscuit is Kerri who started the wash cycle, then realised her cat had climbed in to the machine. She quickly pressed stop, waited for the water to drain and got her out, she was fine by the way. Let’s be more careful people.

By far the biggest expense in my life is my house. I’m on the hunt at the moment for a bigger place, now I’ve got a little un. But I find it so weird that we would spend so much money on a decision made in minutes. I know that I spend at least an hour looking round a car and kicking the tyres before deciding on a vehicle. Even searching for an outfit for a wedding takes more effort and energy. I reckon it would be a good idea, to try the house out for size for at least a weekend, like a test drive. After all you might not like where the previous owners put the tele and you need to sort things like that out.

Saturday 12th October

Turns out the royals are just the same as any other family. There may be some noses put out of joint at the end of this month with some of the royal family not invited to Prince George’s christening. Princess Anne, Prince Andrew and Prince Edward won’t be attending the baby boy’s baptism. I had my little girl christened last month and really battled with my conscience over whom to put on the guest list. I started with just immediate family and best friends, but before I knew it I was inviting people so that they wouldn’t get upset when they saw pictures on facebook. The congregation had doubled just because I didn’t want to offend anyone.

Do you remember being totally over excited as a kid and wanting to put your new shoes on straight away, before leaving the shop? I reckon that’s what a guy was recalling in the Levi’s shop last week. He came out of the changing rooms, checked himself in the mirror in his new jeans, deciding that they were the trousers for him. I was hanging around the area waiting to see my mate try some on and was very surprised when this bloke asked the attendant if he could wear them straight away. He was 36, not 6!

Saturday 5th October

What a revelation on Heart Breakfast, from Michael Underwood, Cornflakes are made from sweet corn. Who knew? It doesn’t mention that fact in the title does it? He had the light bulb moment and was over the moon with the news. In other ‘What have you only just discovered that you should have already know’ news, Jo didn’t realise until she was 15 that dinosaurs actually existed, until then she thought they were just fiction. And Alison didn’t realise until she saw his name written down on the Voice that Will.I.Am spelled William.

Ok, yes I am a grown adult, but I’ve never been much of a cook. I normally know when my dinner is ready by the ting that goes off in the kitchen. However, with a 7 month old baby, I’ve made a conscious effort to make some good wholesome food for my daughter. So I bought a casserole dish, a big deal, some chicken and some veg. I’m not one for following instructions, so I didn’t have a recipe in front of me. As far as I can see, my mum chucks all the ingredients in a pan, cooks it and it goes down a treat. Only when I tried to make the dish did I realise that it’s a bit more involved. I forgot to put onion in, but I did put veg in that I like, peppers, broccoli, sweet corn, apparently these are not the best for casseroling. And I knew that flour and water figured somewhere in there, but how much? It’s hard work being a mum, I don’t know how they do it.

Saturday 21st September

Most interesting thing I’ve found out this week, the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, hadn’t originally intended to go to St Andrew’s university, but had a change of heart when it was announced that Prince William would go there to study. It’s all come out of a biography Kate: The Future Queen. This means she’s just like us, contriving a situation with the hope of meeting someone. I’ve done it many times. Going to buy sandwiches in a shop where I fancied the bloke making them, taking up golf lessons and ‘just happening’ to be in the same bar as the guy I was chasing.

So winter feels like it’s well and truly here. I took the big step that makes my heart drop every year, of putting the heating on this week. The knee high boots came out too on Thursday. I’ve only got coats to wear and we’re away. I find it does make for hard work though when I’m packing for a bit of winter sun. I can never imagine any weather other than what surrounds me. When I leave for work at silly o’clock in the morning we’re now in single figures here, but next week I’ll be in Portugal sunning myself in 26 degrees. I find it impossible to work out what to take. And I’ve got to get it all into hand luggage, this is a nightmare. First world problems huh?

Saturday 14th September

It’s my little un’s christening tomorrow and I’m very nervous. Lois will be seven months old when she goes to the font; she’s bound to start squawking as soon as she’s in the vicar’s arms. Or Lois will wriggle out of his hands and start swimming and splashing in the holy water. My beautiful girl hasn’t yet had the pleasure of going to one of my family’s party’s yet, so she hasn’t experienced something going wrong. Something is bound to scupper the service and the party afterwards. What if it rains and my hair goes bad? What if a guest turns up in the same outfit as me….and looks better? What if Best Fry don’t make enough sausage and chips?

I hate waste but sometimes my eyes are bigger than my belly. I was out at the harvester for my cousin’s 18th birthday family meal. There’s too much choice, I love the steak, but then I love the ribs and if Mum orders the chicken and prawns I’m going to want what’s on her plate. So I went for the meat feast of steak and ribs, problem was I couldn’t finish it. I am right to ask for a doggie bag aren’t I, even though it’s slightly embarrassing to take your leftovers home? But, I was very surprised to find that my co-host on Heart Breakfast, Michael Underwood takes it even further, by asking to take the half empty bottle of wine home.

Saturday 7th September

Some people take it too far with their pets. In a census someone even listed a dog that had a profession - looking after the house. It's just ridiculous, or is it? If you actually think about it pets do have very specific roles, even if its just to cheer you up after a hard day at work. If you had to give your animals a job title, what would you go for? Would you name your tabby cat your therapist? Is your golden retriever the head doorman of the house? Or is your shitzu actually your personal trainer as you have to take him out for a walk twice a day?

I had another attack of the 'Bad mum' last weekend. Me and my six month old daughter headed to Bournemouth beach for the air festival. Obviously I have to be organised, sun hat, check, factor fifty sun cream, check, change of clothes, check, formula milk.....no check. Oops. In the middle of a very long, hot day, I was scrambling around the changing bag trying to find an emergency carton that I was sure I'd put in the week before, but no sign. So I had to improvise, at dinner time, my little Lois had to get by on half a tin of egg custard and a bottle of water. Guilt ridden doesn't even describe it.

Saturday 31st August

If you ask the question “What would you like for your birthday?” nine times out of ten the answer is “Dunno?” It’s always best to get someone what they need than get a load of tat. Pop star Demi Lavato got a weird gift for hers, a goat. Must have been a nightmare trying to wrap it. It’s not the weirdest though; Jane bought her dad a tub of rat poison for Christmas once as that was what he wanted. And Sharon received an exhaust pipe for her motorbike one Christmas. I bet she couldn’t guess what that was when it was under the tree.

Peter Jackson is hailed as an amazing film director after he made the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, so its great that he’s going to direct an episode of Dr Who. You’d think they’d have to pay a lot of money to get him to do it, but no, you’d be wrong. All he wants for making the show is a dalek. It’s not uncommon to be paid in something other than cash. Dan was paid in milk for helping a farmer to change a tractor tyre, Sam gets paid in sky sports channels for cleaning and Rachael gets free riding lessons for cutting the hair of a show jumper (she cuts the hair of the woman, not the horse)!

Saturday 24th August

I love my mates, but I love their naivety even more. This week my friend Jenny announced that the gossip going around had really “Opened a can of fish!” She wouldn’t have it that the saying actually goes “Opened a can of worms!” After asking for others that had been said wrong on Heart Breakfast, I was rolling around on the floor in fits of giggles, with classics like “I went as white as a sheep!” and “If the cat fits!” I had to stitch my sides up though when I heard about charlotte who after an important meeting was asked how it went, to which her reply was “Not very well, he kept going off on a tandem!”

At 6 months old my little darling should have some sort of routine. My life has very little routine, so what do you do? The other mums I know religiously bathe their kids give them a bottle and settle them into bed by 7pm. I've realised tonight that the reason my little girl stays up until 10pm is because I'd be bored without her as a single mother, it’s just us in the flat. There's nothing I want to watch on the tele and I can't be bothered with the washing up, so we play and chat and sing. Or we'll be out at a friend’s place, where I'm trying to kid myself into thinking that I still have a life.

Saturday 17th August

There’s a video doing the rounds at the moment, of a Nan that got it very wrong. She was in the welcoming line of people as a bride and groom left the church after getting married. The older lady had a handful of confetti and a glass of Pimms in the other. As the happy couple approached, the pensioner got a bit confused and threw the drink rather than the confetti over the bride’s gown. You can just feel the sharp in take of breath from the other guests. But we wouldn’t have nanas any different would we? Like my own grandmother who was convinced her brother had sold his house through Going Places, the travel agent. I’d love to meet Annette’s Nan who asked for cutlery in McDonalds. But Kirsty’s Nan takes the biscuit; she went down the M27 on her mobility scooter.

Which code should a developer use to turn a web page red? If you can answer this question you are a geek. Michael was posing some of the geek test questions to me on the show this week. I could barely understand the questions, let alone answer them. I can barely turn my computer on and send an email, I’m a complete technophobe. So I came up with my own geek test of 3 questions. 1. Do you wear a tank top? 2. Can you name the last 5 Dr Who’s? 3. Do you have more virtual friends than mates in real life? Nerds in a nutshell.

Saturday 10th August

James Blunt has Accidently leaked his new song to thousands of people, by pressing send before checking who would receive the message that was only meant for his publicist. We’ve all done it, pressed the key then desperately scrambled around trying to get the message back as your heart sinks. I’ve certainly done it, about a year ago; I was 12 weeks pregnant and had just been for my first scan. Somehow I managed to email Erika in the office the picture of my growing baby, who shot me a very shocked look as no one at work knew. Dan sent a text to his new boss and accidently put three kisses on it before sending. Bet that wasn’t awkward on Monday morning?

If you have a pet you must spend a massive chunk of your time apologising for them. Case in point this week. I popped to the park with a mate of mine and my baby in her buggy as it was a sunny day. On the way we bought some nibbles for a half hearted picnic. Sat with a big bag of crisps open between us, we were pretty startled as a big dog came bounding towards us. I presumed he’d just veer off around us, but no, he wanted those bacon frazzles and hovered them up in just over a second, then ran off. He was quickly followed by his owner, who couldn’t be more apologetic, offering to buy us another bag. Could have been worse though, listener Dawn had to say sorry many times after taking her boxer dog, Norman, to West Wittering beach where he peed on a mans posh wicker picnic basket. The man called the police!

Saturday 3rd August

It’s funny when you see someone else do it, but when you fall over it’s the most embarrassing thing ever isn’t it? Wearing flip flops in the rain the other day was not only a weather faux pas, but it meant the supermarket floor became even more slippery and resulted in me letting out a scream as my face headed towards the door, when my feet went from beneath me. As I tried to recover myself and style it out I realised that everyone with in spitting distance was staring and laughing at me. I would have laughed my head off though if I’d seen listener Lisa take this fall though. Her heel got caught at the top of flight of stairs, the shoe stayed, she didn’t. As she tumbled down the steps her skirt went above her head. She tried to steady herself by grabbing a man as she went and managed to take the sixty year old’s elasticated trousers to the floor!

Its holiday season and I know how stressful it can be to pack for your time away. Trying to remember everything to take and then desperately attempting to shut the suitcase with fifty four pairs of shoes in there for a long weekend away. But apparently one in four of us forget to take our toothbrush. No great shakes, you can pick one up at the airport or in a shop when you arrive in the result. I’ve forgotten something quite crucial before, while away with my parents, I wondered what I was going to do with no undies. Luckily, it was my mum’s birthday and she got some lovely underwear sets, so I stole them before she got to wear them.

Saturday 27th July

My co-host on Heart Breakfast, Michael Underwood has been getting his knickers in a twist about being called a nice guy. Even when he broke his leg on Dancing on Ice, he apologised to the ice. I’ve seen him stood holding the door to a shop open for about an hour because he’s too nice to walk away and get on with what he has to do. But he thinks that being described as nice is a bit vanilla. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being nice. I’ve been out with a few bad boys and yes, it is exciting for a little while, but eventually I want someone who is kind and respects me. The wrong guys are for the time while you’re growing up; the nice ones are for settling down with.

So, he’s finally arrived, Prince George of Cambridge. I was really hoping for Wills and Kate to add a nod to her father in the name so he’d be Prince George Michael, but alas no. Ever helpful on Heart Breakfast we came up with some top tips for bringing up boys for the proud parents. 1. Always make sure their winkle is pointing downwards when changing their nappy. 2. For when he’s a little older, place a ping pong ball in the toilet so he can aim at it. 3. Don’t give them scissors; they might cut off a girl’s ponytail. 4. Be ready for visits to A & E and 5. Keep footballs away from windows, with 760 windows in Buckingham Palace, it could cost the Queen a small fortune.

Saturday 6th July

Like most people, I watched the Glastonbury coverage on the television, I've been lots of times but this year looked like one of the best. The bands were astounding, but I was embarrassed. No, I wasn't hiding my face when I saw the Rolling Stones (I'm off to see them in Hyde Park tonight) perform, because they looked like wax works that had started to melt. Incidentally, my mate commented that they looked really old, "That's because they are really old!" was my reply. No, I felt embarrassed watching the other artists, at home, with my Mum and Dad, because of all the swearing. I don't want to sound like I'm old before my time, but it was every other word. I never noticed all the effing and jeffing until I was with my folks. I was just waiting for the comment to come from them about how it's not needed. And I have to say I agree with them.

With a four month old daughter, Lois, and a grey few days in Newquay this week, I've decided that our next holiday will be abroad. But that throws up so many headaches for me. It's not as simple as packing the car up with four tonnes of her toys, clothes and food, oh no, am I really supposed to get it all in one suitcase? The other bother I have is having her photos done for her passport. At four months she cant sit up by herself, let alone pose in the booth. I always remember my Mum sending me at eight years old and my six year old brother to the photo booth. We didn't realise that the seat adjusted up and down and had photos taken of just our foreheads.

Saturday 29th June

I had a ‘moment’ with a guy in Tesco this week; it sounds like a bad romcom. We were both stood looking at sandwiches in the fridge and reached for the same one; it was chicken and sweet corn if you were wondering. As we did this we both apologised and said that the other could have it. Our eyes locked and there was that moment of electricity. But, I’m afraid I let him walk out of the shop and will probably never see him again. My mind did start to dream about him though, about how our wedding would be, what our children would look like etc. But no one has ever got together from such a situation apart from listener Gaz who met his girlfriend in a garage when he offered her some liquorice. Oh and Tracey who was asked out by the security guard while she was in Asda. Oh and Tyronne who met a girlfriend at traffic lights, well he was at them, she was in a restaurant next to them. They caught each others eyes, he drove off, but phoned restaurant, asked to speak to the pretty girl at the window, still together now.

I have purchased the funniest piece of kit, a baby bouncer for my four month old daughter. It hadn’t even crossed my mind until I spotted them in Kiddiecare. My little Lois is into everything and loves to be involved in what’s going on, if someone has popped in for a cuppa, she wants to be where she can have a nose. I got the door bouncer so that she could see from where she was, but totally laughed my head off when I put Lois in it for the first time. The confusion of being stood up with out me holding her and it turning her to face in the other direction was too much, I had tears of laughter rolling down my face.

Saturday 22nd June

It’s a huge responsibility naming your child. For nine months you’ve um-ed and arr-ed between five different names for your bundle of joy. You have to test the name against rude rhyming words so they don’t get teased and check that their initials don’t spell out something strange. I’d been through all this when I chose a name for my daughter in February and went for Lois. What I didn’t plan for though was the new Superman film being out four months after she was born. I now have visions of Lois joining school along with lots of other little girls called Lois after Superman’s girlfriend, ahhh ruined. Possibly not as bad as Listener Lisa who called her daughter Keira just before the Pirates of the Caribbean film came out, starring Keira Knightly, and to make matters worse, their surname is Knight!

Coronation Street is my favourite soap on tele, but I think they’ve missed a trick. The cobbled streets of Corrie are supposed to be a traditional northern road, I get that, but why when the Rovers burnt down, did they rebuild it in exactly the same way? If you had a pub that had dated décor would you not see it as a lovely blank canvas to paint a different picture on? Rather than an old style pub with little snug benches and the dart board in exactly the same place? And while I’m at it, why have they rebuilt the bar with three times as much space behind it as in front of it, surely they need the punters in buying drinks to pay for all the work they’ve had done?

Saturday 14th June

I was so excited this week to be at the launch of the Royal Princess Cruise ship. It was an honour to be there with so many celebrities, Christopher Biggins, Des O’Connor and Sir Bruce Forsyth to see the Duchess of Cambridge, smash the bottle of bubbly on the side of the ship. Kate looked stunning at eight months pregnant, in a Hobbs Dalmatian print coat. Just one hour after the Duchess was seen in the jacket at Southampton’s Ocean terminal, the £169 coat had sold out on the Hobbs website. You’ve got to be savvy to buy them up and then put them on eBay for almost double the price right? But they are selling. Who’s buying them? I, for one know that I could never pull it off as well as our future queen.

Last week we had some lovely weather, this week not so good. But I am quite pleased that we are back to grey skies for two reasons. The first is to do with my neighbour, when it’s sunny he likes to sit out on his balcony, nothing wrong with catching a few rays in the afternoon. But to accompany him outside he likes to turn up his music really loud so he can hear it above the noise of the traffic that passes our flats. However, if I’m indoors I can feel the bass through the floorboards! And it’s always the same song, Hotel California; it’s that loud I bet they can hear it in California! The other is not so nice and it’s a problem I’ve had for my entire life, the heat makes my feet sweat and they stink. They smell so bad that my mum makes me put them in a bowl of water whenever I take my footwear off.

Saturday 7th June

I’m incredibly proud of my parents and I was so excited to see them on the television this week. They both celebrated their sixtieth birthdays in the last year and so were invited to the Queen’s sixtieth Coronation Celebration at Westminster Abbey. They dressed up in their finery and looked amazing with their pink accessories, Mum with a cerise fascinator and Dad with a matching tie. I found it really weird that I was at home watching out for them on the TV, when I’d seen them in person the day before. Then I felt really anxious as the thought crossed my mind that they might do something to stand out from the crowd, start waving at the camera, like they were at a rugby match. Thankfully they didn’t, they were caught on camera singing their little hearts out and had a wonderful time.

My mum has always embarrassed me; I remember being about fifteen when she actually came into a youth club disco and asked the DJ to say could I meet her at the door. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. My daughter, Lois, may only be three months old, but I think I have managed to embarrass her already? I took her for only her second swimming trip to David Lloyd, and dressed her in her new swimming costume. It just didn’t look right, it was down by her waist, so I did what I could, tying up the straps to hold it up a bit more, but her chest was still exposed. It was only after we’d played in the pool for half an hour and had got back to the changing rooms that I realised her costume was on back to front, doubt if she’ll forgive me for that one.

Saturday 1st June

Are there rules about how old or young you have to be to wear a leotard? Lots of people going on about Jenifer Lopez’ outfit, worn for her appearance on Britain’s Got Talent. The same thing happened to Madonna when she wore the pink number in her Hung up video. But what’s the problem? They maybe in their forties and fifties but they look amazing and obviously spend hours every day in the gym toning their bodies. If I looked like they do I’d go to Tesco to do my weekly shop wearing the same. I just hope the weather is good enough for Miss J-Lo to wear the same get up at our gig Heart in the Park on July 14th.

The new museum for the Mary Rose opened this week in Portsmouth Historic Dockyard. Much the same as any other child from the South Coast, I remember going to see it as a kid on a school trip. And I would class it as one of my more favoured school trips. I do however remember what I thought was a bad school trip to Stonehenge. At twelve years old you can’t really appreciate it; to me it was a rainy day in a field looking at a few rocks. I think schools must have to put you through this sort of thing when I hear that listeners Michelle went to a grave yard, Saviene went to a beetroot factory but Nick takes the biscuit with his story of a coach trip to a post-box!

Saturday 25th May

Looks like the weather is getting better, but learn a lesson from my Mum. While she was a hairdresser, she pulled a sickie on what she knew would be a particularly sunny day. Unfortunately she got caught out by getting burnt in the sun and going back to the salon the next day with an incredibly red face. There’s so much chance of getting found out and getting into an awkward position like Kelly who pulled a sickie then went shopping, but bumped into her manager. And there was no getting away from what Paul from Totton did, after he went jet ski-ing on his ‘sick’ day and ended up in a photo on the front of a newspaper!

Imagine waking up in the baking Spanish sun everyday, that’s what I did when I lived over there for a summer, because for a couple of months I lived on a mate’s balcony. Doesn’t sound so lovely now does it? But yes, my boyfriend at the time and I had a mattress, a sheet and a pillow on the balcony, but still managed to sleep in the scorching heat. Some people can just sleep anywhere, like Michelle who fell asleep in a nightclub and was woken up by the bouncer. But Dan takes the trophy for weirdest place to fall asleep, while he was in the Navy, after a particularly heavy night he managed to catch a few zeds on top of a missile launcher in the middle of the South China Sea.

Saturday 18th May

The Great Gatsby Premiered at the Cannes film festival this week and got me thinking about rules for the cinema, like a six foot man is not allowed to sit in front of someone who’s only five foot four (That’s me by the way). Popcorn should only be eaten during noisy bits of the film and no slurpy kissing, it turns the rest of us off.

We all have our habits, I even go through food phases where I eat the same thing for a while, the latest being chicken stir fry for lunch everyday for a fortnight. But that’s nothing after we heard from Claire who has eaten the same lunch, Ryvita, cream cheese and a Twix for ten years! OMG must be so boring! Graham though takes it to a whole new level, he has ordered the same curry from the same curry house every Friday for so long that he doesn’t even have to ring up and order it. He only gets in touch with the Indian restaurant twice a year to say that he won’t need the Friday night dinner because he’ll be away on holiday! Genius!

Just put your hand in your pocket and see what you find. Chances are there’s some cash, some keys and maybe an old ticket stub? Certainly nothing like Heart listener Tyler carries, he has a little pouch with paracetamol, cotton buds and a mini toothbrush! He’s come fully prepared. That’s more than I carry in my massive hippo bag, but not quite as strange as our producer James who carries nail clippers and will use them at any stage of the day.

Saturday 11th May

To become a doctor or an accountant, you need to go through lots of training and years of exams and study time. So why there are not any lessons in being a parent, there’s not even a manual and yet it’s the most complex challenge I’ve ever taken on. There should be a school that you can go to at least for a couple of days before your little bundle of joy arrives. Lessons would include PE, lifting moving weights to build up your arm muscles, metalwork, how to build or put anything together that’s put in front of you, like the pram parasol I struggled with this week that didn’t keep my 3 month old daughter in the shade for more than 20 seconds. And finally I could really do with an emotional lesson in spotting the different cries; does Lois want a bottle, a nappy change or just a cuddle?

I found out on the show this week that Michael's mum used to make him and his sisters be quiet as kids otherwise "they'd wake the baby next door". There was no baby. What lies did your parents tell you? Amy's mum told her the ice cream van playing the music meant it had run out of ice cream… Lou's mum told her Penguin bars were made of real penguins, just so she could eat them all for herself. Nothing wrong with that at all! And with your help we compiled Heart Breakfast's Official Rules of Food this week… the big ones to remember are; vinegar goes on chips before the salt, never bite a Pringle in half, eat around the edges of a Jaffa Cake first and at number one… ALWAYS eat a Kit Kat finger-by-finger, never bite across all four.

Saturday 4th May

I always knew that having a baby would be hard work, but I didn’t realise how much time it would take up. It used to take me half an hour to get ready and get out the door. I now have to allow around two hours for this seemingly easy task. It has made me leave things like the cleaning and the washing up to build up. It has also made me incredibly lazy, proved by the fact that last week I bought a new kettle rather than de-scale the old one. But Heart listeners have made me feel better by being lazy too. Like Ally who threw out her plates after Christmas dinner because she couldn’t be bothered to wash them and Simon who rang the pub he was in to order a round of drinks because he couldn’t be bothered to go to the bar. And Jolene who makes her friend drive close to the bin after food to put her rubbish in, just so she doesn’t have to move.

I don’t know how postcodes get dished out, I also don’t know how Sat Nav’s work, but what I can tell you is that my postcode and sat nav don’t work together. I live in West End but after giving the details to my mate Julie, her Sat Nav took her to Totton, nothing wrong with Totton, it’s just not where I live! There are always stories of sat nav taking you in the wrong direction, Heart listener Tammy’s took her to the cemetery instead of her Dad’s house and John’s wanted him to go through or over a river. Sat Nav, don’t trust it, it’s out to get us all.

Saturday 27th April

Have you ever passed something off as your own? Everybody’s done it right? Whether it be a little bit of homework, house decorating or doing your make-up really well. Hands up I’ve done it. This week in fact. I still meet up with my antenatal class girls, who’ve taken to meeting at each others houses for lunch each week. Being the domestic goddesses they are, most arrive with some sort of baked goods. I’ve got to say, I do love Heidi’s chocolate brownies and Ali’s lemon drizzle cake, but I can’t compete. Not wanting to arrive empty handed I took along a bag of cookies that my cousin had made and totally passed them off as my own. I think I got away with it until someone asked for the recipe.

I’ve learnt lots about my new co-host, Michael Underwood, on Heart Breakfast this week. I learned that he proposed to his now wife Angellica in New York, in a church at Christmas Midnight mass, after trying to find the ‘right’ time for twenty four hours. I also learned that he has managed to set fire to heatproof oven gloves, and will get up in the middle of the night to run around and panic about a power cut that he wouldn’t have known about if he’d stayed asleep. Apparently he wanted to test the new torch he’d bought. I’m worried.

Saturday 20th April

I’m so excited to be starting the new Heart breakfast show with my new mate, Michael Underwood. No he’s not a rugby player or a cricketer and yes he is the guy that broke his leg on Dancing on Ice. He’s such a lovely guy, very funny. Can’t wait to hear all about his wife Angellica Bell and their surprise wedding in New York. Turns out Michael reckons he knows lots of amazing facts, we’ll see? We also share a birthday, does that mean we are effectively going to be the same person, or will we differ, will anyone care? It’s gonna be one hell of a party, I know that much.

Life has changed beyond all recognition since I last posted a column in here. Ten weeks ago I was trying to write my column in between contractions at the Princess Anne hospital, whilst giving birth to my daughter, Lois. I failed as everything went too quickly, sorry about that, I really did try. It all happened rather suddenly on a Thursday night. I’d been to a gig in Bournemouth to see my favourite, Plan B and had only been at home for an hour, when my waters broke and I had to make my way to the hospital, I’ve got to say the staff there were brilliant. Turns out that I was watching Ben Drew, Plan B, on the day that I found out that I was pregnant too.

Saturday 2nd February

I was devastated this week. Whilst watching Tuesday's episode of Eastenders, I spotted a garment from my wardrobe. I would love to say that the snakeskin skirt was being worn by one of the Albert Square teens, like Lucy Beale and it made me feel like a bit of a trend setter. But it wasn’t, instead the offending item will now be burnt after being sported by Cora, Tanya’s Mum, a grandma. Seems as I’m not the only one who’s been wronged by the soap either. Heart listener, Abbie was mortified to see Kat Slater walking down the aisle in the same dress as she was to be married in, in a month’s time. And Emma who text us to say “I was wearing the same top as Heather Trott from Enders once! It came off and went straight in the bin!”

I really thought that we had some romantic guys on the south coast. I very often see blokes walking along the road with flowers in their arms, hopefully for their girlfriends or wives. I have been on a date with a man who wouldn't let me walk in the road side of the pavement; I thought it was very sweet. But it seems that all that lovely-dovey stuff disappears when it comes to marriage proposals. Well it did for Heart listener Rosie, whose husband to be proposed in the doorway of Millets. And for Dan's mate Mark who just handed a ring in a box to his girlfriend and simply said "You win!"

Saturday 26th January

We’ve all been caught short somewhere, not many quite so public as Jason Puncheon this week though. He left the pitch during the Southampton v Everton game at St Mary’s on Monday night. Most of us can sneak off and sneak back after a trip to the toilet, but he had thousands singing about what he had been up to when he returned to the pitch. I’ve regularly popped into a pub to use the facilities, but the worst was when I was so busting to go, I had to get off a train and shoot out of the station, meaning that my friends were still on the train searching for me, while I was miles behind. When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go, eh Jason?

Adele may have let slip the name of her baby boy. After keeping the secret since he was born in October, she revealed after her performance at the Golden Globes, that she refers to him as ‘Little peanut’ However, later the ‘Someone like you’ singer was spotted out shopping in Los Angeles for little'un’s clothes, wearing a necklace that said Angelo. Could this be the name her and her fiancé chose for their son or are they throwing us off the scent? And what is the reason for keeping it a secret? Is she, like me, worried that if she tells anyone then there will be fourteen boys in the school class because the parents have copied the name?

Saturday 19th January

Last week on Sunday Brunch on the band Lawson were told that they didn’t have enough time to let them cook anything. So, we thought we’d give them the chance this week when they came to our studios. We asked them to have a competition between themselves to see who could decorate the cake the best. I thought they were actually really artistic, you can see for yourself on the breakfast pages. We also learnt that their new song ‘Learn to Love Again’ is about getting back with an ex and putting all the effort required in. And the gorgeous Adam from the band will be my son/daughter’s Godfather, don’t think he knows how heavily I’m going to lean on him nor that he will have to take care of my child for 12 weekends a year, it’s his duty isn’t it?

More than 600,000 people left Facebook last month alone. Has it lost its grip on social networking? Have we moved on to twitter? Or the next big thing? I don’t think it’s for any of these reasons; it’s surely more to do with the rubbish from people’s lives that they post, with the thought that if it’s interesting to them then it must be interesting to you. But I reckon we’re way past that, I’m likely to de-friend someone who puts up too many photos of the dinners they are just about to eat, status updates on how much they love their boyfriend, or pics of kids doing anything. A school friend of mine, last week posted a photo of her 7 year old son in the dentists chair, having a filling, she’s now gone from my friends list.

Saturday 12th January

So the big celebrity romance is apparently over, Haylor are no more. Taylor Swift and One Direction's Harry Styles have called time on their two month relationship. They have visited the lakes, turned up at each others gigs and even holidayed together over the New year. This is apparently where the cracks started to show, spending so much time together, harry found his girlfriend demanding and said she was naggy. I wonder if she's just like us and got straight on to the phone to her mates for them to tell her "He wasn't good enough for you!" as Miss Swift sobs on the line? Did she post a cryptic tweet that had her followers confused about what was going on? Or if Harry's mates took him down the pub and just plied him with beer and shots to get by? Did he get straight on Facebook to change his relationship status to single?

Every parent has had to pay their child to do something at some point, right? But I think my mate Julie has taken it to a whole new level. When round at hers for a cuppa, her eight year old son was bored and looking for something to do. He started negotiating money to do chores, but I don't think he will be the new Alan Sugar, after he was paid just one pound to hoover the carpets, upstairs and down, in the three bedroomed house and the inside of the car! He's still doing better though than the Heart listeners like Gary, who was paid 50p to go and pick fresh mushrooms for his dads fry up each morning. Or Charlotte who got just 10p to tickle her dads back for half an hour. Even though my baby hasn't been born yet, I'm already planning what I will have my little'un do for me.

Saturday 5th January

I realised this week that I really am my mothers daughter. While i was staying with my parents, my mum had lost her voice, dad thought next Christmas had come early. But mum struggled through sounding like a teenage boy going through puberty. On answering the phone, everyone on the other end thought it was my dad, which I found hilarious! Now the reason I say I'm like her is because I used to lose my voice once a week, the reason behind it being the same for both of us, over use!

There's one thing on the world that I hate more than anything else and that's cheese. I know that horrible yellow stuff has some real staunch fans, but I just don't like it. Why would anybody eat it? It's gone off that's the point of it, but u wouldn't eat anything else that was gone off would you? Milk, no, bread, no, meat, no, so why cheese? And why do people have such an obsession with getting me to try it? I've managed quite well my whole life without the smelly food, I don't want to try it now.

The last time I had such a 'life has changed' Christmas was when I was fourteen years old. I opened my presents on Christmas Day, it was all clothes and smellies. Don't get me wrong I loved it all, even my nan had picked me something fashionable from Miss Selfridge. But it was a change year because it was the first year that I didn't receive toys, games or dollies. This year was very similar in that I got loads of stuff for my baby that's due at the end of February. A baby sling, a rocker and many blankets, all felt a bit weird but all needed and it saves me buying it.