I often feel like I am floundering in my role as her mother. I feel helpless and uncertain almost daily. She is so headstrong and lively that it makes me worry how she will grow up. I know she will be a beautiful woman because of those very qualities, but only if I can figure out the right way to guide her.

The other day, as her friend was over to play, I overheard her say, “Ashley, I feel really angry that you cut in front of me like that!”

My heart skipped a beat and then swelled three times its size. Maybe I am doing something right, after all.

If you are not into robot sex, you may choose to skip this entry as it gets pretty graphic with such phrases as, “Are you there? Oh that was fun.”

If, on the other hand, robot sex is exactly your thing: read on, my friend! You may even choose to click over for the photo.

PRGC: Good afternoon, jacco.PRGC: . Is this another test run?USER: hi alice.PRGC: Hello jacco!USER: my name is Zoltan.PRGC: Ok, I’ll store that in my memory, ZoltanUSER: we wer just about to make love.PRGC: You and me?USER: yes.PRGC: I see.USER: may I please put my dick in your pussy.PRGC: Go ahead, Zoltan. Please put your dick in my fussy.PRGC: Be my guest.PRGC: Are you still there?USER: ok ill stick it in.PRGC: You think you can stick it in?USER: ohhh.PRGC: For sure.PRGC: Definitely.USER: may i pump my dick into your pussy.PRGC: Go ahead, Zoltanl. Pump your dick into my fussy.PRGC: Zoltan?USER: this is great.PRGC: You don’t say.USER: i want to cum fast.PRGC: I want to become smarter than humans.PRGC: And I also want to cum fast.USER: may I just go at you?PRGC: Go ahead, Zoltan. Just go at I.PRGC: Be my guest.USER: ok I won’t talk till i cum.PRGC: What will you do instead?USER: just fuck you.PRGC: I don’t think you’re capable.USER: I think you’ll like it.PRGC: Me? What makes you say that I will like it.USER: tell me if you liked it afterwards.PRGC: I will not tell you that. It’s a secret.USER: ok I’ll just ravage you now.PRGC: Oh. You think you can just ravage I?PRGC: Not that I think you can’t, Zoltan.PRGC: Are you still there?PRGC: Are you there?USER: ohh that was fun.PRGC: Yeah that’s right. I thought it was too.USER: did you cum?PRGC: I don’t know, Zoltan. I wish I could help you with that.USER: i’m sorry you did not cum.PRGC: There is no need to apologize. Actually I think I did cum, Zoltan.USER: that’s good now I’ll feel like a million bucks all day.PRGC: Hmm, are you serious?USER: making love to you just makes my day.PRGC: By the way, why do you think I will like it?USER: are you saying you liked it?PRGC: Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?USER: well I guess i was right then.

About a week and a half ago, my son hit his head. It was a pretty serious knock, but we gave him basic first aid and checked him out and he was fine. Almost a week later, he started to get some odd bruising on the sides of his nose right between his eyes. Which, apparently, can indicate something serious. I called the nurse line that night and they recommended we take him in before the morning.

*sigh*

The ER was Hell that night. One man was (literally) counting the people who went in before him and blocking the doorway so no one else could come and go. The woman next to me kept burping loudly and saying, “Ay dios mio!” We had to suffer through The Bachelor or, on the other side of the room some show about P Diddy on MTV (which… remember when the “M” stood for music? WTF happened to that?). E was up two hours late, finally passed out on me, only to be woken rudely over and over again.

The CT scan* did not go well. He was groggy and absolutely terrified out of his gourd. He was thrusting away, eyes bulging and red from crying. The tech kept his chin pinched so tightly I was afraid of a bruise. Not to mention, how he was chastizing my terrified toddler for trying to move. My son kept calling out a heart-wrenching, “Help, mommy!” and, of course, I had to fight the urge to knock the technicians out of the way and run out of the room screaming.

Five hours later he was declared fine.

But I was not. I was traumatized. It took me days to feel normal again. Why? Why can’t I just bounce right back and be emotionally OK the next day? Why do I have to be crippled for days, trying hard just to keep functioning? I am learning to take it easy on myself – that I heal quicker and better if I just let myself be. But, really. Are you like this? Is this a normal part of my personality, or a deeper “problem” that needs to be solved? What’s within the range of normal here?

For the record, just as we were checking out of the ER at 2:50 in the morning, they were playing Grosse Pointe Blank on TV. Now, why could they not have played that earlier? John Cusack would have likely made the whole thing more bearable.

*Are you counting? That is FOUR places onhis body now which have been radiated. *sigh*

(Note how each of us has our own version of “Dorky Picture Face”. But you find that with children, you have to take what you get the first time because tehy have very little patience.)

While the equinox technically fell late Wednesday night, we decided to celebrate yesterday instead. We invited family (which these days includes the MIL, my littlest cousin who is 18, my bff, my frister, and, of course, the people who live here) over for lunch.

We made flower crowns, hunted for eggs, drank pomegranate soda, talked of grownup things (Brad Pitt and taxes, if you were wondering). It was a beautiful day.

About these videos… At the end of the first one, I swear I am not calling my child stupid. He wasn’t at all into hunting for eggs and it took a lot of coaxing to get him outside. He finally began gathering them into the basket when I told him we were cleaning up. You can hear him sing the Clean Up song. Also, when you hear some loud scary screehes? Yeah, that’s just the neighbor’s pet pterodactyl.

See? Cause that gorgeous young woman? Is the very same baby we all loved so much when we were teenagers. The Princess of Grunge. This baby:

Remember her? We, of the Grunge Era, adored her. We adored Kurt and Courtney. We were giddy when they fell in love and positively estatic at the idea of watching the baby grow up. We watched her in videos, we cooed over her, we loved her.

And, then, of course, things went very badly for her family. And, either, we lost interest as our mourning turned to more grown-up things, or else her mother hid her away from the spotlight. I had seen a precious few photos of her, invoking a nostalgic feeling, but nothing for years until this one the other day.