another bucket of suck

Ever have one of those days where nothing goes right and everything you touch turns to shit and you just want to scream at the top of your lungs then crawl under a rock and assume the fetal position?

Yeah, that was today for me.

I did not sleep well.
I had an Elavil hangover, but if I don’t take the stuff, it takes me hours to fall asleep.
I forgot to take my meds and left for the shop.
Then I find someone has deliberately busted my car door handle while at the shop.
Oh, then I am informed that the whole ass end of my pants is ripped out and I didn’t have a clue I was flashing my undies to the whole world.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I just wanted to curl up under a rock and die.
It’s bad enough battling the moods and anxiety, now I am at war with my own brain, where my functionality is slipping and I am making idiotic mistakes.
Big
bucket
of
suck.

The only redeeming part to this day will be going to sleep. I don’t think I can do the elavil anymore, it’s too harsh.
Not like I’m getting any solid sleep anyway.
I’m afraid my precarious juggling act is starting to falter.
It scares me. I’ve been here before.
This is not pessimism, this is self awareness, knowing the signs before you get hit head on with your own decompensation.

Oh, and I had my mom tear into me when I went to get Spook because she was pissed off that I cleaned out my shed and donated everything to Salvation Army. Why it’s any of her business is beyond me. The woman is so unpleasant at times I really wish I could have her committed, something is not right in her head. She’s all I love you, I hate you, get away from me, please don’t leave me.
It’s soul sucking.
And I know I myself am guilty of it.
Least I am aware I am guilty of it.

I’m ready for this day to be over before anything else can turn to shit.