TEAM DRAMAMINE

As sane and rational as we’d like to think we are, we’ve all probably had some crazy ideas over our lifetimes. Some, perhaps, a little more zany than others. Let me share with you one of my ideas that drifted toward the far end of the spectrum.

While thumbing through one of those random junk mail catalogs you receive for no apparent reason, I came across this device called a “Hydro Bronc.” As best as I can describe it, the Hydro Bronc looked like a huge inflatable hamster wheel. Designed for ice rescues on frozen lakes, the idea is that if someone has broken through the ice, you can get in this thing and roll over to them. If the ice breaks underneath you, the Hydro Bronc would float over the water sections until you could reach the victim and pluck him out.

Hmm…I thought, I wonder…

So I called the company and got ahold of the inventor responsible for concocting the Hydro Bronc, a gentleman by the name of Rod Blair. He suggested that we meet and he could show me a Hydro Bronc in real life. We met, and Rod went over the basics, then suggested that I take it home and perhaps give it a try. What the heck, I thought, you only go down the chute once, might as well enjoy the ride. Off I went with the Hydro Bronc folded in the tailgate.

The next day my dad and I went down to the San Clemente pier to inflate the thing. We’re in the pier parking lot, which is at a fairly significant downhill grade above the beach, and we blew it up. Wow, when fully inflated, it was very big. Imagine a large paddlewheel with inflatable blades—more like pontoons—with an internal mesh trampoline to stand upon in the middle of the apparatus. It looked pretty trippy. Maybe even a little dangerous.

“Get in it,” my dad says to me.

“You think?” I ask back.

“Sure, why not?”

I could think of about a dozen reasons ‘why not,’ and I’m sure if we stood there long enough I could easily generate a dozen more. But I found myself drunkenly stepping inside the thing, as though intoxicated by the aura of this mysterious air-filled orb.

All of a sudden, it starts to move forward. At first, it was just a slow, clunky transition from one inflatable pontoon to the next, but in a few quick seconds it had gained remarkable forward momentum. Meanwhile, I’m inside the thing standing on the internal trampoline trying to keep pace. I could see my dad scurrying around the outskirts trying to figure out how to stop it, though it was no use. It all happened too quickly. His primary focus rapidly became getting out of the way of it to avoid being taken out like a bowling pin. The Hydro Bronc now had a mind of its own.

I’m running at full speed inside on the internal trampoline trying not to get cart-wheeled headlong like a sock in a clothes dryer. The mighty Bronc is blazing down the steep incline of the parking lot, picking up more steam with every whirling rotation. Up ahead, I can see the beach and the sand rapidly approaching. Good, I think, the sand is sure to slow us down.

It doesn’t. I hit the sand like a red-hot meteorite entering earth’s atmosphere. Women on beach towels are screaming, kids are scurrying in every direction trying to avoid getting mowed down by this unidentified foreign object. I’m hurling across the sand like an errant cannonball when I noticed the ocean ahead.

Suddenly, I hit the water with a great splash. Surely the water is bound to taper the unabated forward momentum. Not so. Surfers are now paddling frantically to get out of my way. I continue putting one foot in front of the other on the mesh trampoline. Water is flying everywhere and I see a wave approaching. I’m thinking this thing might explode on impact, sending shrouds of rubber hundreds of feet into the air and ejecting me like a sack of potatoes going over Niagara Falls.

But the Hydro Bronc punches through the wave and continues seaward. I continue to run on the internal trampoline, propelling the device out into the open ocean. I glance to my left, to the pier which juts out into the water. Through the rotating pontoons, I can see a group of kids running alongside me. They are running on the pier, I am running on, the water.

Holy crap, I think to myself, this is unbelievable. I continue running on water out past the end of the pier. Exhausted, I stop running. The Hydro Bronc gradually comes to an unstable halt. Bobbing up and down on the swells, I stand proudly inside the buoyant contraption, surveying the watery surroundings like Captain Nemo.

I quickly develop seasickness.

Heading for shore, I glance back to see the crest of a wave building behind me. Oh, this should be interesting. I start sprinting forward, not sure if I want to get out of the way of the wave, or if I want to see just how much water this baby can take on. I feel myself being lifted upward as the wave begins to break. Faster I run. I am instantly shot shoreward by the lip of the wave like an oversized fishing bob. Things are spinning so fast that all I can see are pellets of water flying everywhere. It’s as though I’m inside a wind tunnel with an uncapped fire hydrant. Then I realize what has happened, I have caught the wave, I have run into the wave.

Not until I am safely ashore do I realize the magnitude of what just transpired. Actually, more than anything, I’m thankful to be standing on dry land and not to have drowned. Stepping out of the Hydro Bronc, a flood of spectators greet me, cheering. On wobbly legs, I wave, and then ask sheepishly if anyone has some seasickness medicine handy.

And so ends the maiden voyage of the Hydro Bronc. It has been a long and exhausting day. My dad offers to buy me a beer, which I gladly accept. He hands me an Old Fisherman's Ale. I want to beat the man senseless with it. Instead, we toast the occasion and have an uproarious laugh together. The beer wasn’t half bad either, so no hard feelings on the choice of labels.

What’s next for the Hydro Bronc? I did some calculating, if my navigational skills serve me correctly, Catalina is about 26 nautical miles away from Newport Beach. Yes, nautical miles. I’d like to run an entirely different Catalina Marathon, not one on the island, but, rather, a marathon from the island. So the inaugural Catalina Water Marathon has been officially conceived. In fact, I’ve already got a title sponsor in mind for the Hydro Bronc and me, what do you think about “Team Dramamine?”

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