Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Pull up a beanbag, crack open a tinny and allow uncle Fulcento to walk you through the ten most important things to avoid becoming machete fodder, should you ever find yourself in an eighties slasher scenario. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin:

1. Don't ask stupid questions while wandering around half naked in a dimly lit setting. If you ever find yourself asking the question "who's there?" in a darkened environment, the chances are you really don't want to stick around for the answer. Asking a question like "where's the corkscrew?" is even worse. You will NOT appreciate the answer.

2. Snapping twigs, unless you trod on them yourself this sound is almost always a preamble to certain death.

3. Be vigilant of windows. Standing in front of a window is just asking for trouble, you will either be dragged through it Fulci style, thrown through it or have something dead thrown through it at you.

4. Cats. Cats are always in the pay of the murderer, movie cats can lock themselves inside closets in order to leap out at you when things are at their most tense. They also have this nasty habit of calming you down when you're at your most jittery point which tends to make you forget that you've just recieved a menacing phone call or been followed by a strange shadowy figure. Heck, even if two seconds ago a madman just swung an axe at your head a cat will make you forget all about this. Just avoid cats.

5. Cars. Cars don't work. If you do manage to get one started it will inevitably break down as far away from civilisation as it is possible to be. Starting a car when being chased is utterly futile as it will consistently fail to turn over. If it does start, that's even worse as it means there's a maniac in the back seat. Or on the roof. Or hanging from the axel.

6. Telephones, these never work either, mobile phones never get a signal and trying to use a landline phone will result in you getting strangled with the cord.

7. Bathrooms. As if you need reminding humans are at their most vulnerable while naked. Do NOT ever, under any circumstances take a shower or take your pants down.

8. Practical jokes - they're never funny and always result in bloody revenge years later.

9. Drugs, premarital sex and rock music. Give these vices a wide berth if you want to survive the night.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^^You hit my biggest pet peeve- cars. You just started your car 84 times already in the film, and now at the worst time, for no reason, it won't start? If you're going to pull that stunt, and least show the car being unreliable earlier, or show someone messing with it, or some evil force that can screw with it. Don't just... not start.

And the only time I had a car break down on me was when an alternator went bad on a highway. Not in Southwest Bumbletown 2000 miles away from anything even resembling civilization. If I'm going to Funkytown, I'm bring my own mechanic and towing a trailer full of spare parts, damn it!

Same thing with cellphones. You can get a cell signal in the Himalayas, but take one turn onto a dirt road and you are now behind the invisible wall of "no electromagnetic waves" or some shiite. Do horror locations come with built-in Faraday cages?

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^Yep, I've had 3 cars since I've been driving and the only time one ever failed to turn over was when I'd accidentally left the headlights on one night. A jump start later it was right as rain. I've NEVER, NEVER encountered a situation where someone may have to turn the key, each time getting the 'rev' sound for the engine to turn over. ONLY in horror movies does that mechanical problem exist. And yeah, I bet I could stand atop Mt Everest and my TalkTalk signal on my mobile phone would still work. I'd be like "Hello, Mountain Rescue please?" and I'd be saved within minutes but venture into an are with three or more trees and you can kiss that phone signal goodnight.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIZVcRccCx0