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Your American birthright: guns, guns and more guns

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was a physical fitness buff who liked to take long bike rides around Tucson. Now she is fighting for her life after being shot in the head by a lunatic.

by JIM HARRIS
If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. America is not a place for sissies. You have to be assertive, sassy, self-reliant, and occasionally you may need to shoot a few people.

So don’t ever give up your guns, America. When the government comes around in their tanks and helicopters, trying to take away your guns and implant transmitters in your brains, you’re going to need those firearms to protect your freedom, your family, and your money.

Come to think of it, by the time things have gotten that bad, your money probably won’t be worth anything. But you’ll still need to protect your property, like your speedboat and your ping-pong table. Stuff like that. Yeah, we’re mad as hell and perpetually unsatisfied with our status, so watch out, people who don’t agree.

And make no mistake, the rest of the civilized world admires and respects our well-armed citizenry. They think it’s really cool, and they wish that they, too, could have gun-slinging cowboys roaming their streets. And even the uncivilized elements around the world dig us as well, because we supply them with their guns.

In fact, we need more guns, not less. Kids should have their own little guns to protect themselves against schoolyard bullies. And schoolyard bullies should have guns to protect themselves against larger bullies.

A lot of liberals are selfishly using the recent tragic shootings in Tucson, Arizona, to impugn America’s proud tradition of gun ownership, but you simply can’t compare those who use guns for legitimate purposes (such as shooting animals for fun, or brandishing firearms in campaign ads) to overly impressionable nut-jobs who clearly break the law by actually killing a half-dozen strangers or more. It’s just another Communist scheme to deprive you of your God-given rights.

As far as making sure that all gun owners are sane, responsible people, well, DUH, every gun application form clearly asks, “Are you sane?” and “Are you responsible?” And it’s against the law to lie on the form!

The dead in the Tucson massacre included U.S. District Judge John Roll, 63; Christina Greene, 9; Gifford’s aide Gabe Zimmerman, 30; Dorothy Morris, 76; Dorwin Stoddard, 76; and Phyllis Scheck, 79. As we now know, Representative Gabrielle (“Gabby”) Giffords was the intended target of the shooter, and that the other victims were just in the wrong place (America) at the wrong time (now).

A statement from the National Rifle Association after the massacre declared, “Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this senseless tragedy, including Congresswoman Giffords, and their families during this difficult time. We join the rest of the country in praying for the quick recovery of those injured.”

They really do a lot of praying over there at the NRA. Most of it for the victims of “senseless tragedies.” Sensible tragedies, however, that’s a different story. Like when you just absolutely can’t resolve a problem any other way than by shooting someone. But senseless tragedies, they require a lot of praying.

Of course, the NRA does not want you to be too religious, either. You know, like all fanatical. After all, if you totally believed in that “eternal life” jazz, why would you need a gun in the first place? Best to give God lip service, but pack some heat just in case.

It was announced that, in response to the shootings, Congress would pause for five minutes this week and look really, really sad before getting back to business as usual. Also, flags are being flown at half-staff to let the general public know that they, too, should look really, really sad until such time as the flags are returned to “full staff.” Then, of course, it will be OK to get back to business as usual and reject any rational attempts to prevent lunatics from acquiring an arsenal of deadly weapons.

After all, this country can’t run itself. It requires the vigilance of watchdog-citizens like you and me, doing our duty as we see fit.So what are you waiting for, people? Get out there and do your duty!

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