It has been the week from hell. Inside… outside… and every other way possible. Fuck, I’m kind of surprised I’m even here. And none of the hell is going away… so I expect future hell. Before I land in actual hell, that is. [Should such a place exist…] If anyone happens to know how to fix hopeless, please contact me. [Yeah, I really did just link to my contact page. What a freak.]

This may be important to some of you… Secret Admirer is going to be late. I am so sorry. Being late makes me feel like ass, not like the white rabbit. But… what’s coming up (no pun intended) is a very important piece of the story… and I don’t want to fuck it up. And it’s hard to write in hell.

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.

I’ve never had a real title… not really. My last one was “Senior Operations Associate” (and not “senior” as in age 😛 ). But as you can see, I’m sure, that title is pretty much meaningless outside my last company. Off the top of my head, here are a few things I’ve done over the years… account reconciliation (and researching and resolving variances, too), revenue reporting, every aspect of payroll, including tax coding (and I HATE every aspect of payroll, especially tax coding), accounts receivable, online advertising (but not sales), writing process documentation, and even management (yuck… not a fan)…

I could go on… and… my degree has nothing to do with any of that…

And I bet this is a MUCH longer answer than you were expecting! Sorry!

That’s an extensive work history, and seems like it would look good on a resumé. No luck with job hunting though? Don’t worry about the degree. I have friends who were Psych majors now working in banking and business majors working in unrelated fields. Stuff that resumé and make it seem as impressive as possible. Apply for EVERYTHING! You said you live in the northeast. Bigger urban area? If so, there’s bound to be something available. It may not be your dream job, but a paycheck is what matters, right?

I haven’t found anything. There are commute issues. I need to be in a particular area, but it’s not a small area! I can’t be an hour commute away and still be able to drop off or pick up my kids. And my husband can’t do both. But anyway… I’ve searched and there is just nothing. I know I need a paycheck (but it’s got to be at least a certain amount or it doesn’t even make sense for me to work and throw every cent back out to afterschool programs and summer camp…) And I know it doesn’t have to be perfect or even close, but if I read a job description and end up in tears thinking of what hell that job would be, I just don’t think I can apply for it. Sure, it doesn’t help that I hate half or more of the shit I’ve done in the past. But it’s not like I’ve got anything else in mind either. I don’t even know what to look for! I end up searching for jobs by location only… and I read through ALL the listings. Between yesterday and today, I must have read, damn, I don’t know, at least 500 job descriptions. It was worth sending my resume to 3. I guess it’s probably me. I don’t know. Something is seriously wrong with me…

I hear ya on the childcare. It feels like working just pay for it sometimes. I know it’s not the best thing in the world, but have you considered watching kids in your home? It’d solve the commute issue and allow you to be with your kids too. I don’t know. I remember my mom doing it for a while when I was a kid. Money wasn’t too bad and she was home. Just a thought.

I have considered the kid thing… but my house is way too small. Honestly, I don’t really even have room for my own 2. Space is tight… and real estate is obscenely expensive around here… not that we’d be moving anytime soon anyway… ha. Oh, but some kind of non-sales work from home job would be good… although I hate people so the customer service on-the-phone-all-day thing — I would get fired for being a bitch. 🙂

Like we’d fault you for being late with the next installment of Secret Admirer. C’mon, you know us better than that 😀 And I heard if you give Charon a pint of Ben and Jerry’s (frozen super-solid, cuz, you know, it’s hot in hell) he’ll take the shortcut through Hell. PS: In case you don’t know who the hell Charon is, he’s the ferryman who takes people through Hell. I heard he and Hellboy do karaoke on Friday nights in Hell’s Kitchen. Sometimes Gordon Ramsey joins in, but he gets a little wild. 😀

Oh, thank you. You made me laugh. I really really needed that. As is painfully obvious, I’m in a really bad place right now, kind of scared I’m not getting out… and I really did not think I’d be laughing today. Of course, I’m also crying because I can’t believe how great this comment is and how great you are. Thank you so much. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised to meet Gordon Ramsey in hell. 🙂

It’s better to take your time and get it right, rather than rush it and not be satisfied with it. I’m sorry this week has been so bad. I’m on my way home early to avoid the hurricane. So I’ll be in better touch over the weekend if you want to talk. Love you!

Blargh. I’m sorry this week’s been so bad for you. 😰 You’re a strong woman to just keep on trucking the way you do! Be patient with yourself, and don’t forget to take care of you. You deserve it. Take a bath, watch a favorite movie, drink some tea, etc. You will get this through this.

Thank you so much. I know I’m supposed to take care of myself but it’s hard when I know all this hell is my fault. I think that’s also why I’m always amazed to the point of tears when my friends here are so nice to me. I don’t feel like I deserve it at all…

You think you don’t deserve the kindness because depression and unemployment and all the rest have convinced you that you suck, and that you’re not worthy. But the rest of us who read your blog and know your talents and identify with your voice, we know otherwise. You’re a lovely human who deserves patience, support, and love – even/especially from yourself.

I wish I knew what to say… other than thank you. I think for a very long time, I assumed everyone saw me the way I saw myself… which is totally crazy. Not that I saw myself as totally crazy… but me making assumptions like that is totally crazy. Or maybe both…

It feels crazy for awhile, doesn’t it? You don’t want to do anything or be around anyone, and you’re convinced that you’re no good – but every now and then, you maybe feel a little better and can push a little harder for awhile. All of the back and forth between “okay” and “not okay” feels like you’re being dramatic and attention-seeking. They say that a lot of writing & creative types struggle with depression and anxiety, so those of us reading can easily understand. You’re not crazy. And you will get through this.

disclaimer.

This blog occasionally includes sexually explicit material not suitable or intended for minors. By reading, you affirm that you are of legal age (18+) to view such content and you consent to do so. This blog may also contain profanity because I have a fucking dirty mouth. Hope you’re okay with it.