But is it WISCONSIN Air? A TR in BulletPoint

CoastaPlaya

ARRIVED: 11:00 on the nose. Then again at 11:30. As of Thursday, I actually intended to decline the invite--'till Nasai rang up and made me an offer I couldn't refuse / impressed on me that he really, really wanted me to show up.

Despite leaving a half-hour behind schedule, I cruised I-94 at a nice, even pace. You know, the kind that would send Sarah Jackson into mouth-foaming convulsions, then into a coma for a half-hour, then back into more window-shattering squealing. By any means I hit Exit 87 at ten ‘till 11.

I figured I had time for a quick Wendy’s stop. But when I walked in…something was horribly wrong. Why is the line so long? And why’s the whole restaurant smoky with that just-dropped-a-25-pound-bag-of-icy-fries-into-hot-oil smell? I peered behind the register and saw--oh, my sweet dear Lord--native Yankee kids! Run!

After 20 minutes waiting in front of The Big Hairy Hole for Rob…and snapping photos…and more photos…and listening to my nose hair rustle as I breathed…I realized I coulda stood in the flaming Yankee line, eaten my food and still been where I was right now. And brotha was HONGRY. Yeah, spelled just like that. I packed myself a Dole salad bag and Ranch dressing, but no fork. So I scooted out to the Mickey D’s around the corner and got back with a grilled Chicken Caesar in a flash (you guessed it—staffed with those flirty Romanian gals—“I have your croutons *flutter* and your dressing *flutter* and would you like anything else Meester?”) but you’ll never, ever guess what she forgot to slip in my bag. Okay, besides her phone number. For the lova-Mutha-scrubbin-jack-snabbity….Where’s my fork? Screw it. Down the hatch it went!

After very, very carefully wiping my hands and mouth, I finally found Nasai.

LEFT: The park or Wisconsin Dells? Fine, I’ll tell you both. I left Olympus at 7 and the Dells at 8 after Paul Bunyan, the All-You-Can-Eat From Another Planet, where…wait a minute. Didn’t I design the BulletPoint format for brevity and clarity? Never mind.

I like how the new entrance shows off The Drop of ‘Clops. The non-stop Greek music gives me gigglefits in a Hey! Up yours, I’m Greek kind of way. And if the music doesn’t express that attitude, diving and rolling away from barreling employee-driven golf carts will.

But what’s up with these curbs? Who goes to a park expecting sidewalks like a city street? Don’t get me wrong--I admire the efforts to spruce up the park. Nevertheless, that’s gotta be the mother of all tripping hazards.

MOST PLEASANT SURPRISE:

Coasters - ‘Clops, first drop, back row. With all the hype of The Drop, I completely forgot how flat-out wrong it feels. It defies all coaster logic. You shoulda heard Nasai—and that’s while he was clutching, too!

Slides – The new yellow family slide. On the way up, Rob was complaining that we needed more weight in our 'four-man' tube. I joked that we should invite ‘those two’ (pointing to a couple large folk in the other queue), which Rob interpreted as the two doods in front of us.

“Are you guys more than 800 pounds total?” quizzed the lifeguard about to dispatch us. We shrugged. How do we know? Sure, our combined legs barely fit the tube, but still…

“Well, the last time I went in a heavy raft? It was ORRRRSOME.” I swear his voice changed for the ORRRSOME, too. Like he had to wipe drool from his lower lip.

Actually, the ride sucked…for me. I was to the rear of the raft and had to watch everybody else go sailing high from every single friggin wall, forced to standing vertical, screeching at a pitch that would make a bat cringe.

Near the end of the slide, one of the other guys was completely overwhelmed and flopped over on the side of the tube like a rag doll. One more wall and he woulda literally rolled off the tube…but lucky him, it was over. Lucky us, too--with the corpse-hauling policy and all.

But don’t think he didn’t laugh all the way back up the eight flights of stairs, holding his head and shrieking something like “Dooooooooooooood!” followed by infinite exclamation points.

Ask if all four of us didn’t climb right back on.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: That Mister A6 had to leave so soon.

A distant second? The new racing slide was no Jungle Racer. In fact, it seemed specifically designed to avoid the violent, body-tossing air of its Indiana cousin’s last hop. Oh, well. Can’t have everything.

COASTER RANKINGS

WITHOUT FLAW:

Hades – Like you had to ask. Since it’s been reviewed ad nauseum by everybody and their uncle’s momma already, I’ll refrain from a blow by blow account. While a double helix would probably escalate it to immaculate in my book, the coaster’s pacing and execution is perfect. Anyone complaining about the hill after the return tunnel run is a moron. Yeah, I said it. MORON. It’s a palate-cleansing sorbet, a pause between the tunnel and the final flat-out run. It’s a Matrix Reloaded slo-mo without which you’d miss what’s actually going on.

But I have another name for this coaster…ready? Hercules: The Revenge.

Think about it. Both had a pre-lift sequence that got you going. Both had a lift hill over the station. Both had a station 'fly-by' of sorts. Both had a curving, full-speed sequence after the first drop. The more you think about it, the stranger it gets.

Cyclops – The originator, the emancipator, the Godfather of all Wisconsin lumber and the hardest-working coaster in show bidness. Hasn’t lost a step. Happy tenth b'day to CCI #19. So why is it handing out all the gifts?

Did I mention that for his second ‘no-hands’ ride a certain unnamed someone tried to slip into the second-from-last row instead of the back? Bad A6 Boy! Bad! Finish your ‘Clops or No Hades for you!

REALLY QUITE GOOD: (Less than perfect, but fun)

Zeus – Rob found it rather brutal; I suppose I’ve been on worse. But when there’s so much good lumber around, it tends to get lost in the shuffle. Ironic word—shuffle.

Pegasus – For kiddie wood, it endeavors to break the mold. Can’t fault it for that. It’s okay.

OTHER COMMENTS: You know what's truly ironic? How coaster dorks who complain about climbing Hades' stairs gripe at Mt. O rideops for not dashing around like tools checking restraints and loading the ride. They'd have to do 4 to 5 times the dashing of a CF rideop without the benefit of huge coolers of ice water...maybe a single bottle of Dasani and a lukewarm tap to refill it at best. I say leave 'em alone--or at least lobby that they get coolers, too.

I could wrap things up with a review of Avalanche…but I have a reputation of never finishing TRs to uphold. ;)

Nevertheless, I will say this—listen closely as it rounds the track. It makes the most unusual noise you’ve ever heard…sort of a rumble-rumble-roll-roll, rumble-rumble-roll-roll as it spends extended time riding only on the upstops. If it had plates, enough sparks would fly to burn the whole park down. Maybe the Family Dollar store next door, too.

So there's air and there's WISCONSIN Air. If ya don't know, you-betta-ask-somebody.

redman822

Sarah Jackson

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 12:54 PM

Despite leaving a half-hour behind schedule, I cruised I-94 at a nice, even pace. You know, the kind that would send Sarah Jackson into mouth-foaming convulsions, then into a coma for a half-hour, then back into more window-shattering squealing. By any means I hit Exit 87 at ten ‘till 11.

WTF! Dude I so got named dropped in one of your famous TRs! lol

Remind me the next time that I allow you to drive my car to call my insurance agent and up my policy!

Sarah Jackson

CoastaPlaya

nasai

Wednesday, July 13, 2005 5:51 PM

What a fun TR, my friend. :) I didn't realize you wrote one until just now, so forgive me. Great reading! I only wish you wrote more. Your characterizations are spot on. Too bad there weren't more positive things to say about Avalanche, eh?