Vaccines Must Stay, Scientists Determine

Research by a group of independent scientists and economists has determined that vaccines are critical to the health of the United States and its citizens. Most people, unless they are in denial, realize that vaccines have helped to eradicate diseases such as smallpox and polio. Some dissenters reckon that vaccines cause autism, which is not supported in any way. That mistaken conclusion is caused simply because methods of detecting autism have gotten better over time.

A correlation that is irrefutable has been discovered. It all dates back to the 1940s, where only two vaccines were recommended for Americans. Those were smallpox and DTP (diphtheria, tetanus, and pertussis). At that point, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was hovering in the 100 dollar range.

By the 1990s, the number of recommended vaccinations had climbed to nine. The Dow Jones was steadily climbing, around the 2,000 dollar area. Now, as the Dow Jones has climbed over 20,000 for the first time, the number of recommended vaccines has reached 15. The connection is clear to see.

The scientists say that they have created a top-secret exponential formula linking the Dow Jones’ growth to the number of vaccinations. They announced that it has a correlation coefficient of .98, nearly the strongest possible. Further developments are being awaited, and the staff of The Outsider hopes that the number of vaccinations will rise. It might just save the economy under President Trump.

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Is this satire? That there are more recommended vaccines, and that the Dow is currently higher, are coincident facts, not causally related. For one thing, the Dow hasn’t always gone up, even though the number of recommended vaccines has.