Tuesday, September 25, 2001 Edition: #2139
If it’s stupid but it works, is it still stupid?

The new fall season of TV shows is finally getting underway. Here’s a few of the . . .
NEW BS SHOWS NOT LIKELY TO SUCCEED:
• “Queen of Queens”
• “Temptation Prison”
• “Big Brothel”
• “Dharma and Ellen”
• “Touched by a Hell’s Angel”
• “Ripley’s We Made This Crap Up”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the first 2 of 3 “Spin City” episodes featuring guest shots by the sitcom’s former star Michael J Fox air back-to-back . . . Here comes another patriotic song — country star Aaron Tippin’s “Where the Stars and Stripes and the Eagle Fly” (he recorded “You’ve Got to Stand for Something” during the Gulf War) . . . Word is Michael Jackson offered to perform on FRIDAY’S TV telethon but was rejected — for fear his performance would’ve been about HIM, not the terrorism victims . . . Meantime, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake say they will NOT be participating in Michael Jackson’s planned disaster relief recording as Jackson’s people previously announced . . . Britney Spears is complaining that, of all her physical features, her feet are the least attractive (how’s she know, she can’t even see ‘em!) . . . It’s a ‘love match’ — Andre Agassi & Steffi Graf say they definitely plan to get married, but the ceremony’s on hold until after their son is born (this is marriage in the 21st century) . . . Buzz is Bruce Willis and Rod Stewart’s ex-, model Rachel Hunter, have become a romantic item, with HE buying SHE an expensive gold charm bracelet as a birthday present (he may be 14 years older, but she’s hoping he’ll “Die Hard”) . . . And openly gay Elton John says he still finds women sexy — even though its been 13 YEARS since he last slept with one (wow, that’s almost as long as [your co-host].)

TODAY’S DVD &VHS RELEASES:
Morgan Freeman returns as ‘Detective Alex Cross’ in the crime thriller “Along Came a Spider” (he played the same character in “Kiss the Girls”) . . . Australian hunk Heath Ledger stars in the action adventure “A Knight’s Tale” (medieval jousting to modern rock music) . . . New collectors’ editions on DVD include Orson Welles’ “Citizen Kane” (the best film ever?), “The French Connection”, and the entire first season of “The Simpsons” . . . And tennis babe Anna Kournikova’s new workout video is out on both DVD and VHS (likely generating more interest from guys than women).

ONLY IN CANADA:
• A new study shows that Alberta is Canada’s largest emitter of greenhouse gases such as methane. (Which also answers the old question, “Where’s the beef?”)
• A hunter in the Yukon has bagged a really rare trophy – a hermaphrodite moose. After shooting what he thought was a bull moose, he discovered it was missing . . . er, parts. A government biologist has now confirmed it was a female — with antlers. (Sort of a Canadian version of Janet Reno.)
• YESTERDAY Jean Chrétien met with US President Bush to discuss cross-border security and possible Canadian military commitments to fight terrorism. (Dubya says his 2-minute meeting with ‘Gene’ went very well.)
• A new Leger Marketing poll finds that about 40% of Canadians think they got poorer during
the last 10 years. (Well let’s see, my freakin’ heating bill went up 80% this year . . .)

MORE TERRORISM FALLOUT:
• Thanks to the severe drop-off in air travel, both American Airlines and TWA will stop serving meals on most domestic flights in a cost-saving move. (Given the quality of airline food, it may also be a life-saving move.)
• With car dealer showrooms virtually empty since the terrorist attacks, GM is now offering 0% financing in an attempt to interest buyers in new cars and trucks.
• The new top item on survivalists’ lists is the mobile phone. There’s been an all-out run on cell phones across the USA since the terrorist attacks. And nationwide, stores report that gas masks are also selling out.
• One of the strict rules of Afghanistan’s ruling Taliban is that all men must have a beard as long as the width of a fist. The penalty for failure is imprisonment until the beard gets bushy. (For me, that’d be a life sentence.)

MONEY REALLY DOES GROW ON TREES:
UK entrepreneur John Harris says profits are sky high for his company Pear Tree Ltd, which designs and builds – tree houses for celebrities. In fact, last month’s sales reached $250,000. So far, the firm has installed more than 200 tree houses in Britain, France, the Caribbean and Switzerland for famous clients the likes of Mick Jagger’s ex-, Jerry Hall. There’s even one in London’s famous Harrod’s as the centerpiece of the store’s toy department.

WEIRD SCIENCE:
• Allan Snyder, director of Australia’s Center for the Mind, is working on a machine that he hopes will give ordinary people moments of genius. His experiments use magnetic waves to shut off part of the brain so other parts are put into use. (Sort of like that time I drank 6 doubles to get up the nerve to sing karaoke.)
• The popular herb St John’s Wort is being tested as an aid to help people give up smoking. Researchers believe the plant may combat the depression many smokers experience when they try to quit. (Pass the doobie, man. Don’t be a wort hog!)

THIS SHOW’S A BOAR:
FRIDAY the winner will be announced on the Internet reality show “Pig Brother”. An estimated 60,000 viewers an hour have been logging on to the “Pig Brother” Website to watch the exploits of 5 porkers, then voting their least favorite out of the sty. ‘Portillo’ and ‘Brown’ are the last two remaining contestants raising money for farmers hit by Europe’s foot-and-mouth outbreak.
NET: http://www.pigbrother.co.uk

GOOD LOOKS GUARANTEED:
24-year-old Claire Roe of Aberdeen, Scotland is paying a $300 annual premium for $150,000-worth of insurance — on her looks. She took out the policy 8 months ago, worrying she’d become less attractive after giving birth to her son. Here’s the kicker — insurance company Goodfellows has agreed to pay out if 10 workmen fail to wolf whistle at her at the end of the 10-year term. If she fails the whistle test, she plans to spend the cash on plastic surgery.

DOUBLE CROSS:
In Budapest, Hungary a married couple with children have BOTH had sex change operations. The woman says she always felt like a man and vice versa, so they switched! (Are their kids gonna be screwed up or what? They’ll be the only ones buying cards saying “Happy Mother’s Day, Dad”.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.25.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [70] Barbara Walters, Boston MA, $12-million-a-year TV anchor (“20/20”, “The View”)/first woman to co-host network news (on ABC-TV) NOTE: Only wears one contact lens while working, so she can read the Teleprompter with one eye and her notes with the other