Jokes!!

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, !" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender.

Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line.

Sorry if this seems racist...You really have to live in Texas to get it.

There's a German, a Russian, and a Texan in a bar. All 3 are exert marksmen with their pistols.

Suddently the German pulls out his pistol and shoots a beer bottle.

"What did you do that for!?"
German replies, "No worries. We have plenty in Germany."

A while later, the Russian pulls out his pistol, and shoots a bottle of Vodka.
"Whoa whoa whoa! What did you do that for?"
Russian replies, "Ah, we have many in mother country."

Later on, the Texan pulls out his pistol...stops and thinks...and shoots a nearby Mexican.
"What the h*ll did you do that for?!"
Texan replies..."No worries. We've got plenty in Texas."

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A French man, a Mexican, and a Texan are on a plane. The pilot says they have to lose some weight.

Well the French man jumps out of the plane and shouts "Viva La Resistance!"

The pilot says they still need to lose weight. What happens next?

The Texan pushes the Mexican out and yells
"Remember the Alamo!"
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A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Burnett are on a plane.
Pilot says they need to lose weight.

Burnett drops an orange
Redheard drops an apple
Blonde drops a bomb

A little while later after they land, they are walkin around. They come across a little boy crying.
They ask, "What's wrong?"
The little boy replies, "An Orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head."

They walk a little ways and come across another little boy who's crying.
Again, they ask, "What's wrong little boy?"
Little boy replies, "An apple came out of the sky and hit me on the head."

The 3 walk a little ways farther and see a big hole in the ground and a little boy laughing on the ground.
They ask, "What's wrong?"

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed
her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
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Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock
boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've
been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.
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Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before
he knows it, the bridge > is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
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#1 SMART ASS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it , no
other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if Tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
------------------------------------------------------------

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says,
"*******ck........How much water did you drink?!"
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it , no
other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if Tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
------------------------------------------------------------

MS and DC are on holiday camping in Africa, when late one night DC is awoken by a loud commotion outside. Upon inspection DC sees MS being chased around the tent by a rather large lion. DC yells at MS "You better run quicker Michael or it'll catch you..." MS replies "it's ok, I'm already three laps up..."

MS and DC are on holiday camping in Africa, when late one night DC is awoken by a loud commotion outside. Upon inspection DC sees MS being chased around the tent by a rather large lion. DC yells at MS "You better run quicker Michael or it'll catch you..." MS replies "it's ok, I'm already three laps up..."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it , no
other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if Tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Now this joke is wayyyy better told than read... it's meant to be done with a stereotypical African-American 'pimp' kind of an accent and with some exaggerated hand movements to help explain...

That being said, I hope the joke doesn't offend anyone...

Here's the joke...

Clyde was walking down a busy city street (exaggerated 'personalised' walk) when he looks up a sees a friend that he hasn't seen for awhile.

"Byde, Byde, BYDE, BYDE" he calls.

Byde walking on the other side of the street (another ridiculous walk), hears his name, stops and looks to wear it was yelled...

"Clyde, Clyde Clyde, what you doing my brother, I ain't seen you in ages" he replies

The both Clyde and Byde begin to walk towards each other (do both walks) and they meet in the middle of the street with traffic shooting past, and greet each other with a choreographed greeting (do a stupendously long, stupendously action greet).

(following convo with appropriate actions to assist visualising the story)
Byde say's "So my brother what have you been doin' with ya'self"
Clyde replies "I got ma'self a jobbbb beeeinnggg a Ex-xect-cu-tiveeee!"
"You an Exec-cu-tive??? Where are ya's Exec-cu-tivvvvv-ing at???
"The sewer"
"How can youuu beee an Exec-cu-tiveeeee at the sewer???

Clyde explains "You see, I stand in the front of this lineeeee and I shovel **** back to the next guy (shovel action), he shovels **** back to the next guy (ditto), he shovels **** back to the next guy (again), and he shovels **** RIGHT OVER THE WALLLLL!!! (shovel action followed by hand thrown into air and fingers moving)"

Byde (puts finger to edge of mouth, looks up thinking) then replies "Let me see, just be-cauuuseee you 'stannnnd' in the front of this linnnneeee, how does that make you an Exec-cu-tive??? (hands on hips)"

Clyde (in all seriousness) reveals (pointing at Byde firmly) "Cause I don't take no ssshh**ttt from no-one!!!

Now this joke is wayyyy better told than read... it's meant to be done with a stereotypical African-American 'pimp' kind of an accent and with some exaggerated hand movements to help explain...

That being said, I hope the joke doesn't offend anyone...

Here's the joke...

Clyde was walking down a busy city street (exaggerated 'personalised' walk) when he looks up a sees a friend that he hasn't seen for awhile.

"Byde, Byde, BYDE, BYDE" he calls.

Byde walking on the other side of the street (another ridiculous walk), hears his name, stops and looks to wear it was yelled...

"Clyde, Clyde Clyde, what you doing my brother, I ain't seen you in ages" he replies

The both Clyde and Byde begin to walk towards each other (do both walks) and they meet in the middle of the street with traffic shooting past, and greet each other with a choreographed greeting (do a stupendously long, stupendously action greet).

(following convo with appropriate actions to assist visualising the story)
Byde say's "So my brother what have you been doin' with ya'self"
Clyde replies "I got ma'self a jobbbb beeeinnggg a Ex-xect-cu-tiveeee!"
"You an Exec-cu-tive??? Where are ya's Exec-cu-tivvvvv-ing at???
"The sewer"
"How can youuu beee an Exec-cu-tiveeeee at the sewer???

Clyde explains "You see, I stand in the front of this lineeeee and I shovel **** back to the next guy (shovel action), he shovels **** back to the next guy (ditto), he shovels **** back to the next guy (again), and he shovels **** RIGHT OVER THE WALLLLL!!! (shovel action followed by hand thrown into air and fingers moving)"

Byde (puts finger to edge of mouth, looks up thinking) then replies "Let me see, just be-cauuuseee you 'stannnnd' in the front of this linnnneeee, how does that make you an Exec-cu-tive??? (hands on hips)"

Clyde (in all seriousness) reveals (pointing at Byde firmly) "Cause I don't take no ssshh**ttt from no-one!!!

Click to expand...

Sounds like something from GTASA.

So this chicken and this egg just finish having sex and after a little while of sitting in the bed the egg says to the chicken: "Well I guess we figured out THAT question"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

that last one is great. pure genious.
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Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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that last one is great. pure genious.
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Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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UNIX AirwaysEveryone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOSEverybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac AirlinesAll the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows AirThe terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT AirJust like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux AirDisgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of theseat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

A man is lying on the beach and decides that he wants to get a full body tan and takes all of his clothes off. He keeps his newspaper nearby to cover himself up in case anyone comes along. He is lying there tanning himself when a little girl walks up and asks him "What do you have behind the newspaper?". He replies "Oh....umm, a bird". "Can I see the bird?" the girl asks. "No" the man replies. The girl walks away and the man goes to sleep.
A while later the man wakes up in incredible pain in the intensive care ward of the hospital. His groin hurts like hell. There is a policeman standing by his bed who is obvoiusly trying to suppress a grin. The man asks the policeman "What happened to me?". The policeman says "Well after you came into the hospital we went around asking people if they knew what happened and after asking nearly everyone on the beach we asked a little girl if she knew what happened. She said that after you went to sleep she went over and started playing with your bird but then it spat in her eye so she broke its neck, smashed its eggs and set its nest on fire.

No offense to any blondes here, as I am one myself, but here goes a good one:

So three blondes are walking through the woods one day and they happen across a set of tracks. The first blonde says they're deer tracks. The second blonde says that they are moose tracks. Finally the third blonde says that she believes they are fox tracks. So after quite a bit of arguing over the matter they decide to follow them in hopes of finding the creature which made these tracks and settling the argument.

After following the tracks for about a half hour, the train hits them.