Cancer bf broke my heart so I wrecked his car bcuz I was drunk

Cancer bf met me while having a gf lied said he was single last relationship ended a year ago we dated and clicked so quickly he was a sweetheart abusive at times but when I found out about other girl I contacted her and left him eventually he contacted me and explained how unhappy he was and was out looking for real love gave him another chance but he continued the cheating everytime for 3 years. I finally lost it got drunk he came outside to talk but I pulled a knife out on him when I entered the car and he drove off grabbing the knife out my hand turning it around on me and slicing between my thumb and index finger it hurt a lot so I may have hit the steering wheel can’t remember and he crashed the car I feel terrible but I completely lost it and he got me arrested put a restraining order against me and now I’m just in regret idk what’s gonna happen next this isn’t me I just caught him cheating again and couldn’t handle my anger mixed with liquor. Help I’m never going to hear from him again am I