Friday, May 24, 2013

Highway Rules

I try not to behave like an aggressive asshole. I'm a pretty easy-going kind of guy, and anyone who knows me personally could attest to that. But anybody who's ever had the experience of riding shotgun with me on the highway may have seen my uglier side. I try to stay calm, but stupidity infuriates me. My brother once told me that he wanted to start recording my outbursts while I'm driving and release it as an album. I guess I'm funny when I'm pissed off at vehicular nonsense.

Today on the blog, since apparently there's some confusion, I'd like to provide a handy list for the people that don't seem to understand the basic concept of a highway. Most of my drive to and from work consists of two-lane highway travel. There's the right hand lane, sometimes referred to as the slow lane, and the left hand lane. The left lane is typically known as the passing lane or the fast lane. So I'm not quite sure why so many people view it as "the other slow lane".

Yesterday on my way to work I got stuck in a cluster of idiocy. Apparently there was a meeting in which about ten drivers made the unanimous decision that they should travel in a two-lane convoy that should consistently go five below the speed limit. The only thing I understand about their decision is that it made me teeth-grindingly, eye-twitchingly angry. I don't like feeling that way, and I hope that the proceeding list will be a topic of discussion and study at the next idiot cluster meeting.

So without further ado, the list...

How to Know When to Get Out of the Passing Lane

1. You are going below the speed limit

Since most people, even in the slow lane, go above the speed limit on the highway, there is absolutely no reason for you to be in the fast lane going below the posted speed limit. In case you're unfamiliar with the way in which information about the speed limit is ascertained, I'll explain it. There's signs. They say "Speed Limit." Below that there is a number. If it is 65 and you're in the passing lane going 59, move out of the passing lane. Do I really have to explain this? Why am I explaining this?

2. People keep passing you on the right

As far as I know, it's technically against the law to pass on the right. But there you are, going slow in the fast lane like a butt. Once the first person is forced to pass you on the right, you should move over. Once the second and third are forced to do the same, you should be blasted off the road by rockets. Not only are you being a butt, but you're making other people break the law so that they can try to use the highway in the proper manner.

3. There is a line of cars behind

If one car is behind you in the fast lane and starts to tailgate you, the driver may seem like an asshole to you. But this is not the case. You're the asshole in this situation. You're in the passing lane, somebody wants to pass you, but you're impeding their progress. Move! Now, if there's a whole line of cars behind you, you're being a mega-asshole. You're angering a whole group of people. And the person at the back of the line might not be able to see you and falsely believe that it's a person nearer to them holding up the flow of traffic. So, although inadvertently, you're causing someone else to take the blame for your lame behavior. Unacceptable. Move!

4. There is an ambulance, fire truck, or police car with the lights and sirens on trying to get through

All of the items on the list should go without saying. This one especially should go without saying, but far too often (once would be far too often) I've seen emergency vehicles forced to weave in and out of traffic to get through. This should never, ever happen. If you somehow don't see or hear the emergency vehicle because you're not paying attention, you're an asshole who shouldn't be allowed to drive. If you are such a self-important douche that you see the vehicle and simply refuse to move over, you're an asshole who shouldn't be allowed to live.

Alright, I hope the list clears up the confusion for anybody who somehow got a driver's license without understanding a fundamental concept of the highway system. If you know anybody who participates in idiot clusters or won't move out of the passing lane despite the circumstances I've listed above, please print out this article and give it to them (they're probably too stupid to work an internet machine).

And for the sake of anything you believe in, if you drive a Honda Civic that's 'pimped out' to look like a racing car, but you're driving it slowly in the fast lane, be warned! I will destroy you and your car. I will eat you. I will eat your car piece by piece. I will poop out you and your car and sculpt the poop into a statue to memorialize your stupidity.