Wankmeister cycling clinic #13: How to crash properly

I recently, as in “today,” crashed while riding through Portuguese Bend. Several of my riding buddies said that I did great because I didn’t break anything or get hit by oncoming traffic or knock anyone else down or get my head run over by the rider behind me. I’m still not sure I did it properly, though.

Perfectionistically,
New Girl

Dear Girl:

You are correct to be concerned. Eyewitnesses say that when you lost control, you flew over the handlebars and did a “superman” onto the pavement, fully extended, smacking the side of your face.

Crashing style points are typically awarded as follows, and generally speaking, faceplants of any type score very low, if at all.

Tuck and Roll, concluding in a full standing position, bike unharmed: 10 pointsThe Sergio, where the full catastrophe is caught on film, you are twelve feet in the air, and don’t leave the scene in traction: 9 pointsCollarbone Crack, where there’s little to no external damage to kit or bike: 8 pointsFirst Day of School, where you crash your new ride on its maiden voyage, but only scratch it: 7 pointsPsycho Mike Biketoss, where you flip yourself over the bars from a standing start for no apparent reason, flinging the bike forward so that it clips the recently-mended broken elbow of the rider in front of you without taking him down: 6 pointsVeloCenter Warmup Takedown, where you clip the wheel in front of you during a warmup behind the motor and take down seven other riders: 5 pointsNPR Glide & Slide, where you take the wide, easy, uncluttered, open turn from Pershing onto the Parkway but nonetheless slide out and torch your bike: 4 pointsCanyon Leap, where you ride off a cliff on Piuma going uphill at 4mph because you’re staring at your wattage display: 3 pointsStern-O Pussy Riot, where you flip off a motorist, who flips out and beats up your friends while you stand off to the side and watch: 2 pointsRicky Rocket Garage Crawl, where you beat up the motorist, then run off into a neighborhood hiding in someone’s garage while the police troll the streets looking to charge you with a felony: 1 pointsThe Frankendave, where most of the face and all frontal teeth are removed on impact: 0 points

Don’t forget the Hockey stop….performed by me on the old pier ride….washout your front wheel in Diesel as you round Fiji heading west… here all you buddies yell “crash!”…unclip your left foot on the way down, push up with all your strength while your Lemond 46” Drop in bars keep keep you off the asphalt, then ride to the front while everyone is slowing to see who crashed…didn’t even scuff my kit. I think that was the only time I ever impressed John Walsh on the bike.