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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Let’s get one thing out of the way: I don’t support child molestation and there’s nothing Bro about rape. I think people that do that shit are fucking disgusting. Thankfully, the molestors and rapists that get caught get everything that’s fucking coming to them in prison. That being said, there’s been some bullshit Brocism brewing over the past few weeks, and I’m not gonna fucking stand for this shit. Here’s a brief recap from the Washington Post:

Sarah Jones, the captain of the Ben-Gals cheerleading squad, was indicted last week on claims that she had sex with a 16-year-old high school football player four or five times and exchanged numerous text messages with the student, as first reported by the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Jones, who resigned from her job as an English teacher at Dixie Heights High in Kentucky in November, faces charges of first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts.

Alright, for those of us who are above the legal age of consent, let’s try to remember back to what it was like being a 16-year-old in #111 High School. What were we thinking about constantly? That’s right, fucking banging bitches. Personally, I went to an all-boys private school (Just like Papa Doc!), so it’s not like I could just get a #145 hummer from some girl in the bathroom while a couple people stood guard like they do all the time at public schools, or at least the ones in #73 The Wire. So, we had two options to pass our time during the day. One: just check out whatever porn the fucking Brocist nerd Network Controllers hadn’t blocked yet in the Computer Lab or Two: Undress the Female Teachers with our eyes.

Don’t get me wrong - we didn’t have hot teachers at our High School, but that didn’t fucking matter. We’d spend hours talking about what middle aged mediocre-at-best looking teacher was the hottest, and looking back on this shit now, I really have no fucking clue what I was thinking. The point is we were High School boys with fucking raging hormones. Much like Lamar Odom – we’d fucking bang anything.

Now, here’s a curveball that would make Stephen Fucking Strasburg jealous. Imagine that haggard old woman with thinning hair and possibly a fake hip is actually legitimately hot. Not unbelievable enough for you? How about she’s a fucking Professional #134 Cheerleader. Granted, it looks like her face got blasted with a fucking twin barrel shotgun loaded with Concealer and Mascara, but still, she’s a lot hotter than your average 50 year old mother of three with self dyed hair and a FUPA you could rest a fucking drink on. I mean, even today, it’d be a pelt of pride to bang a Redskinette, but in High School? Holy shit, I’d be a fucking God.

The “victim” in this case is clearly one of the greatest Bro Kings of our generation. I would love to just sit down and pick his brain about how he made this shit happened. Like did he start answering questions on his test with subtle sexual suggestions?? For example:

Q: What was the significance of the Mississippi River in “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”
A: Ever fuck in a racecar bed???

It’s just genius, and honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? Get expelled? Yeah, I’m sure he’s REALLY scared about that. He goes to a school named Dixie Heights High – don’t really think he’s gonna need a High School diploma for his future career as a Professional Shit-Unclogger/Drunk Racist. This was clearly his only chance for eternal glory and he grabbed that shit by the fucking fake boobs.

Unfortunately, not all people can congratulate deserving individuals for great accomplishments. Instead, they get jealous, and that’s what makes them Brocists. You see, the state of Kentucky’s not fucking budging on this shit. Instead, they’re punishing the Cheerleader for doing what Slam Pieces are genetically engineered to do: banging Bros. Honestly, it’s not her fault, he’s a fucking Bro King, thus irresistible to the opposite sex, but what kind of precedent is this setting?? You look back to past cases of hot teachers banging their students and getting put in jail and you know what this says? “Fuck you Bros, we can’t punish you, so we’re setting a fucking example!” Honestly, who’s the victim here? Will the 16-year-old Bro King need to go through years of therapy to get over this shit? Fuck no. He’s probably enjoying a ticker tape parade of high fives and girls trying to bang a fucking celebrity.

So, where do we go from here? We need the fucking Supreme Court to intervene NOW. If they’ve got time to listen to Sammy Sosa slaughter the fucking English language, they’ve got time for this travesty. Yeah I know, laws are laws and you can’t make exceptions, blah, blah, blah, but in this case, you’ve really got no choice. In cases of sexual assault by a teacher on an underage male student, we need a rating system. This is what I propose: You give the 9 Supreme Court Justices numbered placards, much like the Slam Dunk Contest, and when each Defendant walks into the Court Room, the judges could determine just how hot she is. If she passes a certain predetermined number, Boom – innocent. Also, the kid will receive some sort of prize money created from an account of taxpayer money for such a great accomplishment. It’s a win-win situation.

Recently, a scientific survey was conducted among a random sample of Bros with the question asked, “What is the most dangerous thing in the World?” and their answer will shock you. Was it Cancer? Nope. AIDS? Wrong again. The most popular response? Brocism. Bros, as proven by this survey, this is not just something that was made up. Brocism is real. Will we ever see an end to Brocism? Doubtful. Will I work every day to make sure we do. You better fucking believe it. Just because Bros are better than you, doesn’t mean we can’t live as equals. End Brocism Now.
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8 comments:

It is a sad thing to see Brocism, I turned 18 today and I thought that I would have to not deal with it at this age and I would be able to do whatever I wanted to do because I am a Bro. But I guess not. Brocism is a bad thing and we need to put a stop to it so this is why NYB should run for president!

Solid post, NYB. We all know that this 16 y/o just crushed this bitch with his game. His reign as Bro King is imminent if he can persuade an NFL cheeleader (someone who probably had the chance to bang Andy Dalton and AJ Green) to bang him, a 16 year old high schooler. I doubt the Ben-Gal had to resort to pressuring a 16 y/o into sex--he was the one who put in the work for sure. He conquered her, she did not conquer him .Bros are capable of shutting down bitches they don't want to bang. Just call them fat, mission accomplished.

Men are responsible for persuading women to bang them. So gender clearly matters when it comes to statutory rape.

We all know that any male teacher who has to resort to banging his students is not a Bro. He probably pressured the girl into doing it because high school girls think older dudes are creepy––especially if an old dudes trying to pork you. Even if the girl wanted to bang this male teacher, he should go to jail because its fucking gross to violate a girl that young. A teacher Bro should be sticking it in the girl's volleyball coach.

It's sad that Brocism has become so institutionalized in society. This kid fucked a goddamn NFL cheerleader when he was in high school - he's not a "victim", he's a fucking Bro King. 99% of even the Bro-est of Bros never get a chance to slam pro cheerleader snatch - this guy did it before he was even old enough to legally buy cigarettes. That's Bro as fuck. He should get a parade, automatic admission to the nation's top party schools and bids from every single fraternity.

And the teacher? Why is she getting punished for simply following the natural instinct of all slams to get pounded by Bros? If I was the principal of that school I'd give her a raise (conditional upon giving me an office blowjob, natch) for giving all the male students in the school something to aspire to.

Suspending the teacher for being a good slampiece sends a false message to other hot teachers that it's somehow not OK for them to fuck high school bros. That's fucking Brocism, and it's not cool.