HELP: My first love contacted me "indirectly" after 7 years... what to do?

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HELP: My first love contacted me "indirectly" after 7 years... what to do?

I have never completely gotten over my first love. We met when I was 19 going on 20. She is a year younger than me, and I am 34 years old now.

I've been in several failed relationships with women over the past 13 years because I intentionally pick women who I won't get too close to because of how painful my relationship with my first was. After soul searching, I realized this was the cause of a series of failed relationships.

My first love and I both have a lot of issues stemming from our childhood. When we were younger, we were both hell on wheels. To make a long story short, we both eviscerated each other emotionally when we had our final blow out. She was so hurt and angry, she went out and found a new girlfriend the next week. The woman is 10 years her senior and they have been together ever since we had a falling out. In fact, they just got married in November 2014 when gay marriage was legalized in the state that I live in. They have been together for over seven years.

My first love has not said one peep to me in seven years. She changed her cell phone number because I kept texting and calling in the beginning. So I emailed her all the time (Crazy, I know) and she never responded to me, not even once.

After about a year of this, I was emotionally devastated and I tried to date to move on. Fast forward through roughly six failed relationships, one friends with benefits and a few one night stands... and here I sit in the same place I was seven years ago. I am still in love.

I am a real estate investor by trade, and I noticed back in 2010 my first love joined a real estate forum that is very popular that I keep an active blog on. She put her new cell phone number on her profile. This was NOT a coincedence, because she is very private with her personal information. In fact, it was blatantly obvious she put her phone number there for me. However, I did not call her or even acknowledge that I had it. I was afraid if I did, she would have a knee jerk reaction and change it again.

She then joined MyLife in 2012 on the date of my birthday. It's a social networking site that claims they can check to see who Googles your name. MyLife was recently sued due to false claims of this nature, but back in the day people use to think you could really figure out who's checking you out. And then on my birthday, she put up a "Happy Birthday" picture even though she has not said one word to me going on two years by this time. I responded by putting up a song by Stevie Wonder called "My Sherrie Amour" because Sherrie is her name.

In 2013, I sent her one email. I said I hope that you and your girlfriend are doing well. That's all I said. I left it close ended, I didn't ask her questions or anything. Two days later, I saw a very angry response to this on Craigslist "missed connections" LMAO She talked about how since I am not fat anymore I shouldn't want her and blah blah blah. (One of the mean things I said was that I only dated her because I was fat. lol) Which was never true, I just said it to hurt her.

Years pass, and there are no other signs or clues. Most of her wall is private on Facebook. The only thing she kept updated regularly was her LinkedIn Profile.

After my last failed relationship, I realized all the anger I held towards my first love was completely gone. And I really, really missed her. I had let her go maybe 75% of the way. I just gave up hope, because she never once contacted me directly or let her guard down once.

I didn't contact her by email, because the deafening silence was just too painful. I decided to write a final closure message to her on Craigslist Missed Connections. And what happened afterwards has made me cry almost non-stop for three days.

Here is what I said on Craigslist:

I always will... - w4w
I haven't set eyes on you in over 13 years. But then again, seeing you has always been like gazing into the sun. The closer I get, the more I disintegrate. And I could only take so much before I had to turn away. But you were and will always remain the light of my life. Even though my back is turned and I appear to be a million miles away, I will always remember you every single time I see my shadow.

And I said a few other things that only she would know about so she would know (if she read it) the message was directed at her.

Two days later, I get this response on Craigslist posted in missed connections:

A Rose By Any Other Name... w4w
You don't know me very well. We see each other all the time. You probably won't even read this but if you do. I see your silhouette through the blood red curtains. Your shadow is a beauty in itself. It does not however do your face justice. You are as pretty as your name. And as fleeting as well. You seem so shy and insecure. I could be the one you've been searching for. Just give me your fair hand. I could be the rain your thirsty heart longs for. Let me quench your yearning.

"Rose" is the name I go by in my real estate business, but my first name is very exotic and unusual. I don't use it very often, because people have problems with pronounciation and spelling it. And I never used any part of my name in the ad I posted for her. So needless to say, I was touched beyond words.

At this point, I had a very emotional reaction. I didn't email her directly but I responded on Craigslist with "Every Rose Has It's Thorns" but you are and always will be the love of my life.

I also text her out of the blue. I kept it very close ended and brief. I said, "I'm driving away from tornado, thought this might be a good time to text. FYI... I've had your new number for five years since you've changed it, no need to have a panic attack and change it again - I'm not going to "bug the piss" out of you." lol And she said "Who is this?" so I said, "I'm not taking the bait. Have a great week." She didn't respond. lol And that's been about a week ago.

She's married, and I would never act on my feelings even if she wanted to. Also, ironically I found a fake facebook profile she created back in 2011 since she blocked me on her daily use account. On Facebook, you can tell by a person's timeline how often they go online. She created it in 2011, and she has logged into that account every single year including this one. So I know she still checks my profile. That was a relief in itself.

I know all of this is very juvenile and childish. LOL I am not saying she wants me back or anything. But the emotions I feel for her have never left me. I don't know if I would act on them even if she was single and wanted to try, because there was a tremendous amount of betrayal and pain there from when we were younger.

But what I felt for her went beyond love. I adored her. I wrote her love letters two or three times per week when we were together and I just loved her to pieces. She grew up with three brothers, so she is very tough and blunt. She doesn't express her feelings very well at all. I know I overwhelm her quite a bit when I give her a show of emotion. Or at least, I did.

A part of me thinks I should take this as "closure" and just truly let her go. I don't know if she could ever be the type of person who would ever be vulnerable to me, or even if she wants to. I guess I really have no choice since she is married, and I am not going down that path with her at all. We started our relationship on very shady grounds. She was dating a good friend of mine when we hooked up. We were friends for a year and a half or I should say, hang out buddies or casual acquaintances. I just always saw her as my friends girlfriend. But she had a crush on me for a long time, because I always told her she was adorable (which she was) but kind of in a head patting kind of way. LMAO But all of that changed the moment I walked into my friends housewarming party. I locked eyes with her after not seeing her for two months, and that was it. I saw her in a completely different way, and I fell in love with her right then and there before she even kissed me.

The way we entered into that relationship was wrong, and we both had a lot of trust issues with each other because the foundation was so bad. You can't build a good relationship on top of that kind of foundation. She left me shortly after for another woman, because we fought constantly. But we went through a period of several years where we were obsessed with each other, despite our break up.

I said something very cruel to her that I won't repeat on here that was about her past. I was so enraged and hurt, I just let her have it. And that's when she stopped talking to me again. Also, I told her I was still in love with her when she was single - and she said she didn't feel the same. So I told her to not respond to me anymore and to block me no matter how much I contacted her. And she did. She never wavered once from no contact, except in an indirect way.

I know this is all a cluster ****. I guess what I am asking is ... this should be closure, right? There is not going to be a rainbow in the field when we eventually run into each others arms and heal all of this damage, right? LOL

I think that response to my ad was her way of saying she loved me. But I don't think the relationship will ever have legs in reality.

You know what you know, if you know what I mean. I'm so sorry this has been so hard on you. I suggest you have some counselling to help you re-focus on you and your life. In the end happiness is an inside job. Choose to bet on yourself, work on the things that have stopped you from having a successful relationship and help yourself grow and heal.

You can do it.

All the best,

Annita

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."Buddha