Tom Petty is the sort of famous rock star that we have a special hatred for. He’s a hipster doofus, he thinks more of himself and his band, the heartbreakers, than he should, and worst of all he’s pretentious. In this interview he did to promote his upcoming album, “Hypnotic Eyes,” he talks about everything that’s wrong with the younger generation, everything that’s right with his generation, and how he only listens to his music on vinyl. Because he’s a multi-millionaire and can buy that sort of extravagant shit. The rest of us are running around trying to keep our lives in order, so if it doesn’t play in my car, then I ain’t buying it. On his new album he tackles such out-of-touch, who-gives-a-shit topics like people spending too much times on their phones, guns, and what it’s like to live in America right now. As if he would know, living in his mansion playing vinyl in his tube-driven special cabinet for his turntable. Yeah you’re an expert, Tom. Nice fedora.

But hey let’s not blow our whole load of hatred on Tom Petty, because Michele Bachmann has decided she’s not quite cunty enough so she’s come up with a brilliant plan to deal with the immigrant children that come to our country. And what do you suppose her plan is? Well, if you guessed to force them into child labor camps and brainwash them, you’d be a sick fuck. You’d also be right. We review the interview where Michele Bachmann describes in detail her plan to take immigrant children and put them to work, apparently paying off their debt to us that they haven’t accrued yet. And then since they’re already captive, why stop there? Let’s brainwash them into Christianity and nationalism, too! Seriously, this is her plan. Isn’t this, like, how evil villains get started? Are we at least trying to put a stop to this? What if she’s successful? Wouldn’t that make us, I don’t know, like a terrorist country or something? Eh, no one cares, why should we? Enjoy.

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