Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Garden of Undisclosed Delights

It's a beautiful thing when a man finally, after a lifetime's search, finds that especial watering hole that previously only inhabited his dreams. A secret exotic den that can become his home away from home, his second office, his base of operations. And my base of operations has lately been this majestic old-timey Asian bar that personifies completely the wonder and splendor that is Interzone.

For security purposes, the whereabouts of my fortress of solitude must remain classified; but if you ever want to drink and think with me, I'll take you there. As everyone from Dick Cheney to D.B. Cooper knows, undisclosed locations should stay undisclosed.

The place is like traveling back in time to the 60s/70s, and their menu appears not to have changed since then. It reads like an encyclopedia of "old people's drinks" that were already old-fashioned when our parents were young. The Tom Collins and its ancestor, the John Collins. The Stinger. The Jack Rose. The Rob Roy. The Rusty Nail. The Clover Club.

They also list drinks that are classic 1970s staples, and so clearly dates their menu to that time, such as the Pink Squirrel and the Harvey Wallbanger. (Though the Harvey Wallbanger is said to have been invented in the 1950s in Hollywood and named after a popular local surfer, there is in fact no mention of it anywhere in print until it appears in a 1971 issue of Sports Illustrated.)

I'm systematically going down the line and trying every single one of their wares; once the fact-finding mission is completed in totality, I'll file a report. But early favorites so far are their Blue Hawaii, Pina Colada, and something called a Tahitian Scorpion. I can also report that this establishment carries fried banana bites, which I now declare to be the ultimate Floridian bar food, countermanding all previous policy papers issued on the subject by this bureau.

The mere act of writing this, dear reader, already has me in a mood to take a road trip and call a business meeting at the secret stronghold. Be seeing you.