I write to you as the comedic personification of Android, having sat through the WWDC keynote and the debut of iOS 7. Can I just point out a few things that your OS is doing that contrast with how we do things over here?

You don't need to worry about all the pastel colours being thrown around making everything old look new. While the new iOS 7 software is going to be available on older Apple hardware, the chances are that the new OS will debut inside yet another new physical design of the iPhone that may be announced in September. That means a huge expense for anyone upgrading their handset from an iPhone 4 or 5 to presumably the iPhone 6. Actually it means two expenses, as they'll need to buy a new case as well as a new phone. If you're spending that sort of money, you should really look at Android... we've got lots of cases to suit every budget.

We've got a grid based launcher as well, with status bars and tools that slide in from the top and bottom of the screen when you need them. I think we've had them longer (because you're not counting the Newton), and they look different on every handset. If you don't like them, change them out with another launcher! Consistency is over-rated, do you really want all your apps to run in the same way with the same 'My First Phone' user interface?

Nobody likes a major OS change anyway. Making sure that everyone is on the same version of the Operating System is old hat. Our developers just write for the lowest common denominator that's available through the Google Play store, there's no need to focus on the new features only available on the latest version. You can't expect everyone to upgrade overnight.

And then there's this brand new definition of multitasking. It's not quite multitasking, it's making sure that only the apps you really use all the time take up the battery power. When Android has background tasks, they can use all the power the third party code demands, even when you can't see what's going on. Let the apps run fast and free!

New software for the users? Android can do everything iRadio can with Pandora. If it's all about the apps then all the apps come to Android in the end. Instagram and Vine are all doing fine now there are Android versions available. Let the start-ups and new companies try out their innovative ideas on iOS first, once they are proven winners, that's when we want to see them on Android, not before.