It’s great when MacMahon needs to fill a slot and rushes in some nobodies. The Heavenly Bodies were only in the WWE for about 2 years and were utterly unforgettable. The Steiner brothers tear them apart for awhile before losing momentum.

Scott Steiner is thrown out of the ring and while the ref is counting angrily at him…

Get back in here you piece of shit!

.. and one of the Heavenly bodies hits Rick with a tennis racket. It doesn’t matter though, Rick is like “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” and the Steiners hit the Frankensteiner for the win

Overall: “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” is a comeback that works in 95% of situations

Well this could be an interesting little match. These guys are two very technical, very talented guys. I’m hoping for a good show.

Whenever two guys like this wrestle, it’s all capital-W wrestling. Lots of quick reversals, fast moves and random backflips off the top rope

Wheee!

It wouldn’t be a Shawn Michaels match if he didn’t completely over sell every move. He’s great. Midway through the match, Michaels starts aggressively going after Mr. Perfects back. Perfect manages to power through and slaps the Perfect Plex on Michaels. Diesal interferes and the match ends with a count out of Perfect. Garbage. The crowd immediately starts booing.

Overall: Good match, shitty ending

4. IRS vs. 123 Kid

123 Kid makes his PPV debut. I just realized this is also the first PPV that starred (almost) all the members of The Kliq – Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Razor Ramon and this skinny loser

Seriously, try to guess which one is the wrestler

123 Kid matches tended to follow a pretty standard template. The bigger wrestler (everyone) beats Kid like a 6 year old wrestling against a stuffed bear and then the 123 Kid manages to fluke out a win.

Not this time though!

Apparently a 120 pound weight difference matters

There wasn’t even a finishing move, IRS basically just punched him unconscious

Overall: The match was fine

5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown

Jesus Christ, Jerry Lawler has to be 55 years old at this point. He comes down to the ring in crutches, and says he can’t wrestle and instead Doink will take his place.

Here is a matchup I never had any interest in seeing. Hart makes it interesting because the guy doesn’t know how to have a bad match, but even the high flying, top rope moves both guys put on doesn’t save this

Maybe it saves it a little

Hart slaps on the Sharpshooter and Lawler beats him with a pair of crutches. The match looks like it’s over, but Jack Tunny – then president of the WWE – tells Lawler if he doesn’t wrestle, he’s banned forever.

It makes sense.

The next 8 minutes are just Bret Hart beating the shit out of a senior citizen. It also features some notable highlights – a pile driver, which is a move you barely saw by 1993 rolled around – and a totally shirtless Bret Hart

Also rarely seen in 1993

The match ends when Hart slaps Jerry Lawler in the sharpshooter and refuses to break the hold. He gets disqualified. He would try this exact same move against Stone Cold in a future Wrestlemania

Overall: Interesting match, but Doink seriously sucks

6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga

Jesus, Marty Jannetty just could not catch a break after breaking up with Shawn Michaels. First he gets kicked out the WWE, gets placed under house arrest for attacking a cop and now he’s jobbing for this nobody.

WWE apparently had huge plans for Borga but they didn’t really pan out due to a tepid fan reaction and horrible storylines.

WWE writers would later go on to work for DC

This is a really one sided match, Borga basically takes Jannetty apart and wins with backbreaker submission.

Overall: Poor, poor Marty Jannetty

7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez

WWE Replay has managed to find an actual transcript of the conversation that resulted in this match:

McMahon: Everyone hated Undertaker vs. Gonzalez in Wrestlemania IX, so what should we do with him in Summerslam?

Writer 1: How about the exact same goddamn match?

McMahon: Maybe you didn’t hear me though? Everyone hated the match, like it was rated one of the worst of the year and Wrestlemania was just in March.

Writer 2: What if we do the same match again?

McMahon: Is there…. can you even hear me? Everyone hated everything about the first match. We need a fresh, new angle.

Writer 1: What if we do the same match, but change it up by making his gross body suit slightly darker?

electrifying

McMahon: < sigh> Fine. Whatever. I have to start my steroid cycle.

Undertaker gets up over and over again and wins the match.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but I’m very glad that this feud is over. The urn is great though, what a fun gimmick.

Gimme a breakHe’s actually carrying a tomahawk now?Fuck all the way off

I just realized Bam Bam Bigalow is the only person in this match who isn’t a stereotype or a racist caricature.

This match is unwatchable garbage, and Tatanka and the Smoking Guns win

Overall: Unwatchable. Garbage.

9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna

And we finally hit the point in Lex Lugar’s career where he gets his huge push as the next Hulk Hogan. On the mic, Bobby Heenan reminds him of his tenuous destiny by saying “Lugar, you have one chance – don’t blow it!”.

He gets off on the right foot by coming in to an instrumental version of this song which is a children’s song about ducks and being kind to them.

Yokozuna is not impressed by your rabidly pro-duck entrance song

Gang, there’s not a ton to love about this match. Lugar was pushed way to quickly and they were trying to build him up as the next Hogan too quickly. He was a wrestler that was all look and very little talent.

Fortunately, Vince McMahon learned his lesson and never, ever made the same mistake again

The whole match is snoozeville, backed by a pretty quiet, bored crowd. Lugar eventually wins a technical victory by a count out, but Yokozuna keeps the belt