This is Gordo Gluttony (Slime Rancher x Oc), by Gray Territe. If you are not familiar with the game this fanfic is about to abuse, it’s about capturing, corralling, and caring for a menagerie of different gelatinous creatures and selling their droppings for profit. The game can be a relaxing adventure or a stressful rush to maximize profits depending on your playstyle. Regardless, this fanfic barely dwells on any of that, and instead goes and proves why you should use NSFW filters when searching for the word “slime”. Enjoy.

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Chapter 1: New Day

Ever since i had come to this planet,Jadora,i found that on an extremely rare occasion, its strange, slime inhabitants turn into Humans,or human forms.

First sentence, and the author might as well have admitted he wrote this story to cater to his personal fetishes. Saves me the trouble of guessing, I suppose.

They all had interesting and slightly arousing curves and all,but something told me there was much more to this than just their form.

Me and Beatrix did some chemical Slime Science, and found that on the dark moon of the end of the month a very strange chemical change,similar to Human or animal hormones,these three day periods allow fully grown,ungordofied slimes to "mate" with the to other gender within their species.

If you’ve never played Slime Rancher, good luck keeping up with this brilliantly paced establishing of the narrative. So, slimes have a mating period now, apparently. Why did these two need chemical science to figure out what should be a basic observation?

Hence causing Gordos,but my question is why they'd do it. Reproduction is almost inadequate due to the fact that they come from what seems to be the Planet's sea. Beatrix and i theorized that this is to pass on a special genetic code,so when a Gordo(A pregnant slime) Is fed or stimulated enough,they will inflate,and "pop", dispersing the new genetic code in its pure form to continue the process.

You read it here, folks. The über slimes will rule the planet, once they have fucked each other enough to make their offspring – each one identical in every way to themselves – pure through spontaneously developing genetics. I think the only thing “special” about this dumbass theory are the two people who came up with it.

Today we test this theory by setting out a Gordo Snare to capture a Pink Gordo,or a Tabby Gordo to support our theory. Unfortunately our timing may have been too well perfected...as the moonrise was appearing,we saw only the outline of the moon,and our slimes took on perfectly wavy bodies.

Oh no, if only they had a calendar, or a simple grasp of time.

They all looked similar to Beatrix,short hair pulled up into a bun,and a spunky Explorer \Farmer outfit with their own patterns and colors. Though they all had their own personalities, the Puddle Slimes were the only ones who...wore bikinis with dresses.

Beach clothes is a personality? I guess the author’s grasp of the concept is superficial in more ways than one.

We all heard the Gordo snare snap shut around a big,gluttonous body,presumably male by the loud yelp that followed after.

The Honey Tabby i let follow me around hid behind my leg," What was that?!" She yelps,having taken the form of a 5 year old girl. "That was a Gordo Snare." i said,ruffling her hair. She giggled and goes to interact with the 10 year old looking Rock Tabby, who was playing with his food.

All this talk about mating periods is suddenly sitting very uncomfortably. I don’t believe I have to point out why.

I watched the interaction, Beatrix went to tend to the male Gordo,grumbling inder her breath that she better not get raped trying to feed this thing. "Language!" i call after her

How am I supposed to follow up to that?! Beatrix goes, “Gee wiz, I hope this thing doesn’t stick it up me bum,” and Gray admonishes her language rather than her sex fixated headspace, because the author is obviously deep inside of his own.

"Oh put a sock in it Gray!" she calls back.

i roll my eye in annoyance, and go to the lab,to see my Mosaic Crystal slimes tending to each other. They were all girls, which made it a hell of a load more worse off than i already was! Their moans were soft as i passed their Corral as quietly as possible,all i noticed that they were doing was fusing together,'Trading Slime?' i thought to nyself as i went into the lab,and i checked the Refinery for anything new,all i found was Indagonite,a Strange Diamond, and a lot of each plort.

The woes of raising lesbian livestock. Seriously, author, is this going to be more than snippets of your masturbation fantasies, or will an actual plot coalesce from the stains you leave behind?

i felt a vine wrap around my ankle and yank me to the ground,pulling me along towards Tango's corral. it was stopped short by the one thing tnat i thought was almost useless,the Solar shield.

Calling it the “rape shield” probably wasn’t good marketing.

Tango laughs and tries to pull me up like a heart beet from the ground,but she was rendered powerless without the solar energy she so needingly desired. She grunts and groans as she tried to pull me through the shield,unfortunately for her i have a thin layer of a strange gelatinous membrane that keeps me from entering by force,i did this so that way if Tango was very hungry,she wouldnt be able to pull me through,if pulling me up through the ground didnt work.

He’s got his own personal sunscreen lotion that prevents him from being dragged through corral barriers? Where do you get this shit from, author?

The neighboring Dervish slime was desperately trying to get the Tangle Slime to stop,and possibly let me go. "HEY!!" Beatrix shouts,shooting a Hen Hen at hwer. Tango released me and caught the poor livestock, eating it alive. I scramble away,and into Beatrix's arms,she chuckles.

"Shy enough?"

Shut it." I said blushing

What the hell does any of that even mean?!

Hey all you readers! I hope you enjoyed this ,and there is going to be an author's note,and a meeting of the mysterious Male Gordo that Gray and Beatrix caught! Tootles!

It was supposed to be mysterious? I mean, of course it was, but so was the choice and sequence of every fucking word in this mess.

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Short, but no less baffling than other fanfics I’ve mocked. From the writing, you get this implicit message, that everything that happens is giving the author an erection. Also, the author sharing his self-insert’s name is not even trying to obfuscate the reasons he wrote it. I wonder if the story will even explain how he ended up on Beatrix’s ranch, or if the suggestions of rape by jelly creatures will take precedent. Since the story is only a measly three chapters long, we’ll find out soon enough.

Here’s another slice of off-world ranch life with a side order of depraved undertones. Enjoy.

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Chapter 2: Rising Tides,Falling Slimes

New light beared the new surroundings,as the whole Ranch was now covered in a thick,minty green moss and grass,Raiden,the big ol' Rad slime of the ranch imitated a Roostro crowing the early morning sun.

So, is this what happens every morning, or is today just extra crazy?

I was barely out of bed when P.U.T.A. was banging at the door demanding they see Beatrix about this event.

Excuse me, who?!

I was the one who met them at the door with a drowsy,tired scowl.

"Uhm...MrTeslite,we'd like to discuss the events at hand." A young message man said,"What is it?" i almost snarl. The trio jumps at my tone,"w-We were going to tell you that a solar flare has disabled the ships,and we cannot leave the planet until the end of this year..and the Breeding event has rendered our airports disabled until further notice.."

Solar flare and breeding event? I thought you just said they were here about all the green shit on your ranch, pendejo!

"So youre telling me that me and Beatrix are stuck on this rock for one whole year?!" iyell,waking Beatrix.

I don’t think you get how ranching works, author. It’s a way of life; not a vacation trip. You don’t go home again, because the ranch is your home. Beatrix leaving the Far Far Range would essentially be her quitting her job.

"Y-yes sir." the boy said nervously,"You have till the count of ten before i set Raiden on your sorry little asses." I snarl,they immediately ran for the hills,the male slimes shouting insults and curses at them,others just roared with laughter with what I had said to put such a scare on the poor kids.

Ever heard of not shooting the messenger, Gray? With every action you take, I just find more reasons to not like you.

One thing was for sure,i am NOT a person to wake this early without a shower,I admit i am cranky when i have not showered in days. Beatrix wraps her arms around my shoulders lovingly,humming as she wanted to take me out on a date,but her plans had been spoiled,as she wanted to take me to the Teslite Diner.

Are you sure it wasn’t because of your body odor? I need no more than ten minute to shower, and I do so every day. What the hell is your excuse; that slime runs from the tap?!

i got some starmail from Jeremiah, our lovely neighbors.

Hey Gray,Beatrix

i haven't talked to y'all in a while,the Honey Triplets are growing very well,and very quickly. Come by our ranch and visit us,we'd love to trade as well!

-Your Friend and Neighbor James

Jeremy would have fit as a better shorthand, but Jeremiah is already so hard pressed on his letter count that he’s saving on comma spacing.

I chuckle softly,and send back a thank you and an acceptance note. I had heard P.U.T.A. was putting the pressure on the ranch,as they were stealing all sorts of Livestock and Slimes. Thats another reason i turned the Hydro Turrets into Pyro Turrets,and those always stay posted outside my gate to ward off any thieves or somethin like that.

How nice to know that you’re breaking the Geneva convention with your homemade theft deterrent. Anyway, whoever these P.U.T.A.s are, why are they simultaneously rustlers as well as your news carriers?And kids, let’s not forget.

I took my shower and walk out with my usual outfit,which was a grey hoodie, black camo shorts and some white Dash Boots.

On average,once every 2 or 3 untended days,i make about 27,000 Newbucksevrry few days,andi catch a total of 20 slimes a day for trading. Now these slimes go to good homes, and i make sure of it,if I feel that the slime will be killed,P.U.T.A. gets a massive lawsuit threat of tax evasion and abuse and thievery of Slimes and Livestock, which can have an outcome of up to 40 years or life in prison.

Life imprisonment for theft, animal abuse, and tax evasion? Sounds totally legit and not at all exaggerated to the point of nonsense. Tell me though, what is the punishment for false allegations and use of indiscriminatory incendiary weapons, you utter loon?

I do not like the Government this planet has based itself off of. Its community made itself bound to HIPPIES that want no more than to see a slime suffer and perish by their hand.

Because a culture with liberal views on sex, drugs, and opposition to war is a total hotbed for sadistic animal abusers. Maybe you should meet actual hippies and share experiences about whatever fucking drugs you are on to be saying such a statement, author.

Slime Ranchers like me and Beatrix have yet to see the day they extinguish all of Slime Kind,andits kind of Earth,all of earth against what...maybe ,70 people? that's 17 billion vs 70,P.U.T.A. loses this fight,period.

Who are these people you keep referring to? People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals, is that it?! I can only guess so, because it makes more sense than the sum total of zero you’ve been making thus far.I’ll make fun of PETA at the drop of a hat, but I’m not going to portray an organization with a multi-million dollar revenue and millions of members as a hippie commune.

i soon started my day by feeding the slimes i own and love. The Boom Tabbies were too busy sucked into each other to even eat breakfast,soi move onto my wise,all knowing Quantum Slime Kane. He was working with a mini 1Million 9X4 Rubixium cube.

Why not add glasses and an Einstein mustache to him, just to go the extra mile down the ridiculous road?

"Breakfast." isaid,launching a Phase Lemon into the corral, to have it quickly caught by the Quantum. "Thank you Master Gray." He praised,I nod and go to my big boy Raiden. He acted more like a dog than a human,unfortunately there aren't any Wolf Slimes,soi just pet him and give him a carrot and a uranium stick.

I’m still uncomfortably unsure whether these slimes are supposed to be in human form or not. Is there any chance we can get to read your mind, author?

The slimes always praise me for my love and care devoted to making them happy. I always get praised by my girl Beatrix too,for all my hard work. By the end of the day,im usually very moist with sweat,and my clothes almost soaked with sweat,soi take long showers and such to calm me down.

Whenever you don’t.For days at a time. The consistency of this story might as well be gelatin.

i heard the bathroom door open,"Daddy?" i heard a very smooth,satin voice ask. i peep out to see my baby girl Honey Tabby(I call her Tabbi),peeping on me.

I don’t even need to express the implication of this character’s inclusion in this fetishistic mess, do I? I’m thinking it, you’re all thinking it, let’s just move on and hope for the best.

"Tabbi." i growl,

Y-Yes?" she asked

"Dont you know anything about privacy?" I ask calmly

The exact amount the author wants for this inappropriate contrivance to happen?

"N-no sir.."

i sigh,"out,just get out and let me get dressed."

she nods and leaves,i sigh and get dressed,and walk out without a shirt,to bump into the lively Beatrix holding some box with my name on it. "What's this about?" iasked,noting the all too recognized smirk that had crossed her lovely pink lips. "Open the box! its from me and the ranch!"

Meaning, that on top of getting money, adoration and validation, he now gets presents too. Riveting plot, I’ll tell you.

She giggles,putting the box in my hands and walking out. I sat on the bed and open it,and my face broke out in a hot,uncontrolled blush. Nudes out the wazoo and sex scenes with Beatrix and the slimes. Even Kane was in on it.

Cucked by sentient sludge. For what reason would Beatrix even give this to Gray? Other than the author growing impatient with his own story?

I shut the box and hide it under the bed,an erection slowly growing in my pants. I sigh and go out to the gordo we now own. He was a rock slime surprisingly enough,and he was fairly fit for a Gordo. he looks down on me like i was scum to him. "What is it human?" he asked with a slightly whispery voice. i extend a Heart Beet to him,and he takes it from my hand,and eats it like an apple,"What can i do for ya son?" he asked,his whispery voice turned into a hearty Texan accent.

Is making sense just too hard for you, author? Or is the diverting blood flow to your genitals depriving your brain of oxygen?

"I was hoping to question you on the breeding event,and why it has been extended." I said

"On that note,its one answer,the solar flare stops the moon on its dark side,so as a side effect,every female on the planet is effected by this special plant some call Sugarstone. it has some potent stuff in there,so if i were you,id watch myself around some of the girls you have in the other corrals." The Gordo advised.

Of course! It’s so obvious! A minor electromagnetic burst from the nearby star is halting the moon’s orbit, and the effect is not utter devastation of the planet, but rather that female slims get horny from crack cocaine! What the fuck am I reading?!

"Thank you very much,mayi have your name?" i asked

"The Rock."

"Ha,kinda like the wrestler we have on earth." i chuckle

Hurr-hurr, the slime made a reference, so funny. God, you’re dumb, author.

hesmiles,"Keep safe now,if you ever need me,just hit this spike in my crown with a Heart Beet." he said ,pointing ti a hollow,whistle like spike in his crown. it was kinda large. "Ill take note then." I said gratefully.

I too throw vegetables at my friends’ heads when I want their help. Using words is something a P.U.T.A. would do.

Hey you readers! i hope you enjoyed this, and a quick warning,i may not update this much until it has 10 views or faves under its belt! Enjoy!

To this day, the fanfic still hasn’t been favorited or even reviewed by anyone. Evidently, enough people glanced at this mess to make the author decide that a third chapter was happening. Joy.

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I’m kind of baffled by the author’s approach to this story. He seems to make a lot of shit up to cater to his sexual fantasies, barely utilizes any of it, and then makes attempts at comedy that fall flatter than week-old roadkill. It does seem that it’s the author’s first attempt at a fanfic, so it might be understandable. It’s just rather anticlimactic, when the author sets up his self-insert for an interspecies orgy, and then snubs him with dirty pictures.

We’re ending on a short note, it would seem. The people pretending to be protagonists doesn’t even make an appearance. Instead, we have more “world building” and the appearance of villains that have no place in the source materiel. Not that it makes it a new thing, given everything thus far. Enjoy.

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Chapter 3: Unknown Threat

Tarrs roar with laughter in a bar,cheering and laughing deeply.

And now the sentient slime monsters frequent bars with rowdy behavior; why not?! At which point does the alien animal husbandry become slavery?

A small,femaleTarr with very little body,looking about 17 with rainbow colored hair and plump,white lips. She retained a beautiful milky white color in her eyes,and seemed to shy away from the loudness of the group.

We get it, author, she’s sexy. They probably all are. Never mind that Tarrs are basically polluted slimes, the product of mixing one too many slime types into the same largo. If the slimes were mogwai, the Tarrs would be gremlins.

"Hey! small one!" A male tarr called out,waving her over. The 17 year old Tarr walk over,humming an old tune. "Y-yes Henit?" The Tarr asked.

"Tiara,you need to eat if you wanna get older." Henitsaid,looking at the Tiara with a fatherly look.

I mean, technically that’s true for everyone. Why do I get the feeling that’s not what is implied here?

"B-but what about the Slimes?" She asked,"No need to fret child,the Slimes and the Tarrs are friends,united because of the R.N.A.S."

Another D.U.M.B. acronym without any context, how wonderful.

He said,pointing out a drunken Honey and Tarr laughing togther,loudlyi might add. Tiara nods and grabs a fried chicken,and eating it. The Cheering and roaring continued much into the night,almost to the point that some Ranchers considered joining.

They also considered whether it would be seen as cultural appropriation, and if having a Tarr friend really did excuse the use of the phrase, “What’s up, my Tarrs?”

R.N.A.S. base,08:34)

Slimes trembled slightly as some men in Fallout 5 Power Armor were trudging by,theirbootstepsthud,and slimes slink to the back of their cages,shaking wildly.

Author, does your dad work at Bethesda or something? I don’t think that game has reached that kind of development yet. Also, why is the guy using power armor at all? They’re slimes, not velociraptors.

Boom Slimes were kept in transparent explosion domes with barely any room to move. A man in Golem grade power armor opens a cage with a Pink Rock Largo inside. The slime tried to run,but it didnt get far before a male,presumably 8" 3 with a black robe and a WeissianGreatsword in hand,he rose the sword and slashed down.

Did the Imperium of Man expand to the Far Far Range or something?! Who is this mega cultist with medieval weaponry?! What’s going on?!

A loud yelp is heard,followed by the sound of hands rummaging through dead slime. The male came in with a white orb about the size of a small beach ball(about 20 inches).

I didn’t think it was possible to de-bone a slime, but apparently this guy found a way.

He chuckles and opens a panel,and stuffs the white orb into a massive trileggedmachine,which rose up,and growls loudly. "I can give you a new life!" the man said,the Strider growls and bends his long legs so he was crouching,Eye to Camera.

Strider?! Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

"What do you mean 'A new life'?" It asked,powering up a Gravity cannon. "I mean a life with the Silver Parsnip Godess." The Strider's camera turns orange,and it chuckles. "You have a deal."

"Now go my beautiful machine!!" He said.

It roars and stomps out the door,soliders in H.E.V. suits follow it.

I guess Half-Life 3 will have its enemies powered by the souls of dead slimes, who are turning evil through post-mortem religious conversions to a vegetable goddess. Be honest, author, do you huff your toy slime or just chug it straight from the cup?

Sorry for the short chap,this is just showing off the R.N.A.S. as a much bigger danger than anyone originally thought.

Wait, don’t tell me. You forgot they were called P.U.T.A. and made up a new acronym, didn’t you, author? What are they now, Really Nasty Asshole Squad? I suppose they are a common enemy of the Tarr and slimes, but for fuck’s sake, can you at least tell us WHY?!

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This chapter felt starved for creativity. What little interesting bits the author tried to inflate the limp narrative with was outsourced from other game franchises, and the rest was simply cliché. Now, this story might be done, but the author decided it deserved a rewrite at twice its original length. I’ll tackle that thing eventually, but for now I’d like to thank you all for reading, and I hope you were entertained by my mocking.