Ashley Greene was in Madrid to promote the movie about an ugly chick’s battle between necrophilia and bestiality yesterday, and it’s pretty obvious at this point that Ashley Greene is physically unable to not look hot. It can’t be done. She could be pulled from airplane wreckage or be cut out the stomach of a shark and I’d still cum at least once.

Ashley Greene was in Madrid to promote the movie about an ugly chick’s battle between necrophilia and bestiality yesterday, and it’s pretty obvious at this point that Ashley Greene is…

I assume since Katy Perry is wearing a tight dress at the X Factor auditions in Dublin that she’s looking at my penis through my monitor. She looks pretty shocked, and I can tell she might be a little scared. Just like the last girl who saw it. She got so nervous she just started pointing and laughing! Then she took a picture of it! Then she texted it to her friends then they started laughing! Then she called another guy to come and pick her up. I tried calling her, but I think somebody with a bad Chinese accent stole her phone! Poor thing is just having a bad week!

I assume since Katy Perry is wearing a tight dress at the X Factor auditions in Dublin that she’s looking at my penis through my monitor. She looks pretty shocked,…

90’s actress Amy Locane, who starred in Melrose Place and Cry Baby with Johnny Depp, has been charged with second-degree vehicular homicide after she got drunk and struck the passenger side of a 2010 Mercury Milan as it was turning into a driveway. The driver was pronounced dead at the scene. NJ.com reports:

Locane, who told police she had drunk several glasses of wine before driving Sunday evening, was also charged with third-degree assault by auto. Prior to the 9 p.m. crash that killed a passenger in another car and seriously injured the car’s driver in Montgomery, north of Princeton, Locane was involved in hit-and-run at a Princeton intersection, authorities say. She allegedly rear-ended the car, but when the other driver phoned police, Locane got in her SUV and drove off, knocking down several mailboxes.

To recap, Amy Locane had a few bottles of wine, hit a car, drove off, starting playing mailbox baseball with her grill, then killed somebody as they were pulling out of their driveway. Ironically, her husband is a “wine educator”. I’m not really sure what that entails exactly, but when your wife becomes the angel of death after she has a few glasses, maybe you should restructure the syllabus. Lesson #1 “That’s enough you drunk bitch.”

Hey, if Amy needs a lawyer, she should hire Sophie Turner. She should also hire Megan Fox. I don’t know how Sophie Turner and Megan Fox making out in front of the judge will help, but it has to be better than telling the judge you were in Airheads. That’s not gonna help anyone.

90’s actress Amy Locane, who starred in Melrose Place and Cry Baby with Johnny Depp, has been charged with second-degree vehicular homicide after she got drunk and struck the passenger…

My old boss Mike RobertsJay Mohr and his wife Nikki Cox went shopping at Ralph’s in Malibu yesterday and they lowhatinthefuckinghell. She doesn’t need a plastic surgeon for her face anymore, she needs a building inspector. Just so we’re clear, she used to look like this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. To be honest, I don’t even know if this is plastic surgery or if she went bobbing for french fries and just wears a Nikki Cox mask now.

My old boss Mike RobertsJay Mohr and his wife Nikki Cox went shopping at Ralph’s in Malibu yesterday and they lowhatinthefuckinghell. She doesn’t need a plastic surgeon for her face…

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were married at a small, intimate ceremony at the Four Seasons Resort on the Big Island of Hawaii, TMZ has learned. The couple tied the knot late last week. The pair met on the set of “Hope & Faith” back in 2004 and have been dating on and off ever since. It’s the first marriage for both, though Green has an eight-year-old son with actress Vanessa Marcil.

Let me be the first to thank Brian on his comparison shopping skills. I always heard Hawaii was really expensive, but apparently ether is pretty cheap there.

I didn’t even get an invitation. It probably got lost in the mail. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were married at a small, intimate ceremony at the Four Seasons…

Taylor Momsen’s parents were either in a car accident and have been in a coma ever since or they should be taken outside to get blindfolded and smoke their last cigarette, because here’s their 16 year old daughter performing at the Warped Tour. I don’t if she thought looking like a tranny corpse bride was supposed to be sexy, but maybe somebody should hand her some footie pajamas and some astringent. And some warm milk. Because what could she possibly have to be so emo about at 16? Getting her period? Somebody read her the Velveteen Rabbit? I don’t get it.

Taylor Momsen’s parents were either in a car accident and have been in a coma ever since or they should be taken outside to get blindfolded and smoke their last…

I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but Kelly Brook is physical perfection. Don’t get me wrong, I’d split Miranda Kerr’s ass like a shin, but the only way she’d ever get a body like this is if she joined the Marines, got paralyzed, and made Kelly Brook her avatar.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but Kelly Brook is physical perfection. Don’t get me wrong, I’d split Miranda Kerr’s ass like a shin, but the only…

The accepted racist BET Awards were last night, and of course they had to do a Michael Jackson tribute. He was a drug-addicted pedophile who thankfully died of his own excesses and inabilities to face reality, and sure, his music was okay, but to reiterate, he fondled little boys. Repeatedly. Giving a standing ovation to this freak is like giving a standing ovation to Leatherface because he made good barbecue. Anyway, my point is, Chris Brown did the tribute. Chris Brown. The guy who did this. Then said this. He also jumped at the chance to make last night all about when he conveniently cried like a bitch during Man In The Mirror. So, in conclusion, a violent woman beater paid tribute to a creepy child molester. Good, times. The only ovation that should have happened is when the molotov cocktails landed on stage.

The accepted racist BET Awards were last night, and of course they had to do a Michael Jackson tribute. He was a drug-addicted pedophile who thankfully died of his own…