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Millions of women and men are rape survivors. Rape can devastate individuals, as well as challenge and change relationships in unimaginable ways.

As a sex therapist, I have seen firsthand how powerful the impact of rape can be on couples. Whether you are the rape victim or your partner is the victim, sexual assault can leave an indelible mark on your sexuality and your relationships. It might be hard for you to trust anyone, even your own spouse, and you might feel dirty, disgusted, or even angry when your partner tries to touch you or be intimate with you. Victims of sexual assault are six times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, which can lead to symptoms such as nightmares, feelings of emptiness, memory loss, guilt, shame, insomnia, loss of appetite, and hearing/seeing things that aren’t really there.

You may feel completely unsupported by your mate, who may not understand why it is “taking so long” for you to get back on track. Partners may have many issues of their own that prevent them from being supportive — such as deeply held beliefs that you may have attracted sexual attention from another, guilt over not having been there to protect you, and just a general sense of not understanding your pain and your healing journey.

Flashbacks are not uncommon. Certain things might trigger painfully real flashbacks (for instance, if your attacker was wearing cologne, you might have a visceral negative reaction if you catch a similar whiff on another man or while you are out at the store). Figuring out what your triggers are and then working to protect yourself and your mental health is a crucial part of the healing process, and a therapist can help you work through these steps as you rebuild your connection to your partner and ease your way back into sexual activity again. The counselor can work with you both individually and as a couple to help you tackle your fears and rediscover your sexuality.

You shouldn’t feel guilty or foolish if you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner or unhappy in the bedroom. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner or that you are no longer a sexual being. Consider it a period of healing and growth in which you need to take things slow. You should be aware of some of the common fears and concerns that can haunt many victims of sexual assault:

“I am damaged goods.” Many women feel disgusted and used after they are raped. A woman may think her partner is able to see her only as a rape victim and as “damaged goods.” Nothing is further from the truth, but this doesn’t mean that this is not a valid thought or emotion. Talking about your feelings and explaining your fears will take away their power and help you to rediscover your partner’s abiding love and devotion to you.

“I am not a real man.” When men are raped, they often view it as a devastating blow to their sexuality and manhood. Not only are men taught that “boys don’t cry,” but they are also taught to always be in control of their bodies and their emotions. There is no greater loss of control than rape, and hence, it can be difficult for a man to feel sexual or engage in sex without suffering from feelings of rage and pain, which is why it is so important for him to talk to a counselor and be open with his partner. A rape attack doesn’t define or limit the victim in any way, and it certainly does not cast a pall over your partner’s masculinity or sexual orientation.

“I can’t ever enjoy sex again.” It is true that you won’t ever forget the pain and suffering you endured at the hands of your attacker. Your rape was a profound, unforgivable violation, but it does not have to color the rest of your sexual experiences. With trust, communication, and hope, you can rebuild your sex life and rediscover your sexuality again. Perhaps you might prefer small changes in the bedroom (a certain position might no longer be enjoyable for you, or maybe you will crave a different style of foreplay), but you can make these accommodations without losing your sexual pleasure and desire. It might take time, but there is a plethora of different ways for you to enjoy your partner’s body and your own, and you can discover these ways at your own pace.

“I am afraid to be attractive and look desirable.” Many people wrongly blame themselves for rape. In particular, women often self-blame by saying things such as “If only I hadn’t dressed so seductively” or “If only I wasn’t flirting.” As you can imagine, these painful thoughts can make it hard for a woman to feel sexy in her own skin again. She might avoid wearing clothes she previously liked, or she might wear her hair or makeup differently in order to look “plain” and blend in with the crowd. Some women even gain weight after an attack, subconsciously believing that this will make them less desirable to potential attackers. All these methods can chip away at self-worth and make a person feel disconnected from her own sexuality. By working through these feelings and realizing that you are in no way to blame for your rape, you can begin to feel more like yourself.

Ultimately, rebuilding your sex life after you have been raped might be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but it can also transform your relationship in extraordinary ways if you and your partner acknowledge the challenges and work to heal yourselves, each other, and the relationship. Your bond can become stronger than ever before, and your connection with your partner will be more intimate and powerful. Just make sure to keep the communication lines open and turn to a therapist for help if possible.

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