January 3, 2006

Hungarian Doctor To Snot: Resistance Is Futile

My philosophy about using a vacuum cleaner hose to suck the snot out of my kid's congested nose has always been, I'd only do it if
a) there was a snot trap, not just a nozzle attachment,
b) it's transparent, so I can observe both the quality and quantity of the secretion and so I'll know when to stop the procedure,
c) it was designed by an ENT pediatrician...
d) ...with at least 9 years of professional experience...
e) ...preferably in a country that's a center of excellence for nasal discharge engineering innovation, like, say Hungary.
f) So I'd definitely want to know what that country's Institute for Medical and Hospital Engineering had to say about the apparatus.
g) And lastly, I'd not only want the device to leave my child snot-free and breathing easy, but that
h) while I stick a vacuum cleaner up to my kid's nose, she would be as placid and glassy-eyed as the little lamb in this picture [the quality of whose secretion is readily visible. pure gold.]

Damn. because even though when the Wiva-Vac USA hit the home market, Hungary [yess!] in 2000, it's inventor, Dr. Jozsef Vacity ["Jozsef, it's your Dess-tiny."] had been practicing for 10 years. Unlike the moppets of Hungary, however, my kid gets really edgy when the vacuum turns on. I'm afraid if I headed toward her face with it, she would have a complete meltdown.

My suggestion: if you're going to use the Wiva-Vac USA, start early, while the kid's still susceptible to the whole "white noise calming effect" of dishwashers and vacuum cleaners. From the website's logo, they also allude to a "let's pretend to be an elephant!" game. Either way, look for Dr Vacity to be honored for his valuable work at the 2042 annual Recovered Memory Therapists Association banquet.