Sasha Answers: Lonely in Cali

Dear Sasha, about a year and a half ago, my husband was offered his dream job. One catch, it was in California and we are from BC. Also, I was 7 months pregnant and was finally established in my field with a promising career. Still, life's an adventure so I said, ok, and we moved down here. I have had lovely moments, obviously, the weather is glorious and I joined a mother's club and have made friends. However, they are new friendships... kind of like dating- no heavy stuff with the added complication of toddlers running around. In other words, not really friends so much as friendly. I love my child more than anything and I know I am blessed to be able to stay home and look after her. Lately, though, I've been "blue". I really miss my family and all my old friends whom I've known for 10+ years. I'm lonely and kind of depressed. My husband is thriving at his job. I haven't been doing a very good job keeping the house up...it seems so difficult just to run the dishwasher and there's always new messes. (Doesn't help that he comes from a very ordered household and I don't). Honestly, if it were not for the dream job, I am dying to go home. I love my husband and I don't want to break up my marriage. I am wondering if I should go on anti-depressants and hope I improve. I don't know what to do. Sincerely, L

L, this made me so sad to read. You sound like such a nice person who’s just trying to roll with the punches, even though you’re taking those punches to the gut.

You’ve got a lot of things to process right now – new baby, new digs, new ‘friends’ - and while I know you’re so proud of your husband, it must be hard to see him flourish while you feel so stagnant. I feel you, but I do think you can do a couple of things to make it better.

My first bit of advice would be to really find something you’ve always wanted to do and DO IT. It sounds like you don’t feel a sense of purpose lately, so I say take this as an opportunity to press re-set and find some secret passions. Take a risk and give them a go.

Now, I have to ask, does your husband know you’re this sad? If he doesn’t, you absolutely need to get real with him about it. He needs to know you’re struggling so that you guys can come up with a plan that works for both of you.

If I were you I’d give Cali another year and see if it gets any better. But if you find that you’re falling into a deeper emotional hole, you guys really need to ask yourselves if the money, the dream job, the nice weather, etc is really worth tearing you and your relationship apart. So again, if you haven’t been upfront with him, do that STAT, because having his emotional support could ease a lot of your pain.

As for the anti-depressants....I’m all for them if you actually NEED them, but I’m no doctor so there’s no way I can say yay or nay on that one. I will say though that before you jump on that wagon make sure you talk all of this out thoroughly with a doctor and/or therapist before going on them.