Phil Robertson, the patriarch of A&E’s Duck Dynasty, introduced Ted Cruz at a Friday rally in South Carolina. The reality star–cum–conservative moralist decided to forcefully insert a long aside about sexual ethics into his introduction, and in the process completely derailed all of our Friday nights. "Y’all wanna legalize unnatural acts, sexual acts?" Robertson asked. (Y’all, this wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened at that rally.) He didn’t specify which sexual acts he’d like to keep illegal, but that’s where we come in. The denizens of the MTV newsroom found ourselves unable to think of anything else for hours. Below, a thorough but by no means exhaustive list of points on which we agree with Mr. Robertson. America’s got to draw moral lines somewhere, after all, and we’d like those lines to lie somewhere between us and any of the following: