Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Two

Ten is as many items in a list as I think a person can stand in one sitting; here is the next ten things you’re going to encounter at 50:

Friends insist that exercise is good for you. Flicking through adverts indicates that someone your age should take medical advice before taking up any exercise programme. You can’t imagine trying anything that dangerous.

Neighbourhood watch schemes now seem a fantastic idea, but you’re concerned you would fail the age requirements.

When you wake up you will need a few moments to check out which bits of you no longer have blood in them and which hurt like hell. However you will not remember that you need this time. Mornings feature you collapsing to the floor and/or screaming out.

Elasticated waist trousers have become attractive. You find yourself wearing them more often than not. You can’t believe that they are not a desirable fashion item.

Whilst searching for a radio programme that you can actually listen to, you happen across Radio 4. You can’t imagine why you didn’t find it compelling listening before.

Adverts for pension investments have become fascinating. You find yourself reading pensions statements with avid interest.

Performance cars now seem needlessly difficult to live with. You start reviewing articles on Volvo and Honda; they seem like wonderful cars.

Whenever you get together with people you look around and find you are the oldest person there.

People seem to be dashing around at 5 times your pace. You wonder where they get the drugs from and would they have the same effect on you.

Someone in authority gives you a ticking off. You realise they look younger than that person you babysat 3 decades ago. Somehow this makes it all the more humiliating.