Too Much 77006

50 Ways to Know You've Been In Montrose Too Long.

Rocks Off loves Houston's adorably scruffy, formerly sketchy hipster 'hood long ago known as "Neartown," but sometimes you just have to venture beyond Allen Parkway or 59. We asked our writers exactly when they know that.

• You envy the comparatively walkable sidewalks of Fallujah.

J.E. Theriot via Flickr

Ryan Basilio via Flickr

• You have five different pools to swim in, but don't know a soul who lives in any of the complexes.

• You've come up with approximately 700 viable business plans for the former Blockbuster space at Westheimer and Montrose.

• You've memorized precisely how long it takes to get to Baba Yega from your house so that you can sleep in as late as possible on ­Sunday.

• You don't actually have to walk inside of Catbirds, Boondocks or Royal Oak to be recognized and welcomed — just walking past their respective patios results in a chorus-like ovation of salutations and/or catcalls.

• You forget that pungent smell is actually marijuana.

• You remember when the mayor wouldn't be caught dead riding in the gay-pride parade.

• You know what La Casa del Caballo used to be. EVERYTHING it used to be.

• You've ended so many nights at T.K. Bitterman's you can now name the Chicago Cubs' pitching coach.

• You're shocked when you see a woman without tattoos.

• You remember when Mango's served ­Mexican food.

• You're saving up money because your girlfriend's tattoos are nicer than yours, and it's become a problem.

• You remember the original Late Night Pie, before Midtown existed.

• You know the difference and boundaries between Montrose and East Montrose.

• Your jeans are so skinny that your balls aren't touching one another.

• The cause of your neighborhood-wide power outage is a cat. Or a fixed-gear.

• You own more pairs of tights than socks.

• The homeless guy under the spur stops asking you for change.

• You quietly wish that your scooter had been stolen instead of your bike.

• Your favorite night of the week is Monday because of the $2 wells at Cecil's.

• You cried when Taki, the giant West Alabama Ice House dog, died.

• It bummed you out that they painted the Kool-Aid man white at Poison Girl.

• They know just how you like your Rudz burger.

• You actually read the Houston Press for the articles.

• You'd better leave in about ten more ­minutes. You've got to drive back to Katy ­tonight.

• You have a favorite pothole.

• Last week, you received a tattoo and a ­psychic palm reading simultaneously.

• You despise all of the new townhomes sprouting up on your street except your own.

• You think the "Washington Corridor" is some secret passage from National Treasure 2.

• You remember La Strada before it burned down.

• You went to Mary's.

• You know who the Mayor of Montrose, the Wizard of Montrose, the Numbers Parking Lot Bullwhip Guy and the Montrose Rollerblader are.

• You know exactly where to park around Poison Girl to avoid being towed.

• Anything outside the radius marked by ­Allen Parkway to the north, 59 to the south, Shepherd on the west and Taft on the east is easily and swiftly disregarded as the "­suburbs."

• The media has dubbed your vinyl collection "too big to fail."

• You go to the Menil for a quiet read in the park and it ends up turning into a drunken ­picnic with ten of your friends. At 2 p.m. on a Thursday.

• You've waited in the Jack In the Box line for over a half-hour at 2 a.m. because Whataburger is too far.

• Both your cigarettes and your dietary ­staples are purchased by the carton.

• You've eaten at the Tacos Tierra Caliente trailer every day for a week at least twice.

• You've wasted more of your prime years in dives than Greg Louganis.

• You remember when Lola's refused to take credit cards.

• You've been at Lowbrow every day since it opened.

• You went to the Street Festival.

• You know every panhandler on West­heimer between AvantGarden and Kirby by his or her first name.

• You park at Lola's and no one even bothers to try to sell you coke.

• You've had more than one 3 a.m. dance party at Pak's.

• The bartenders at Poison Girl seem to really care about what you want to drink.

• You never leave home for a walk without a pocketknife.
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Ask Willie D

Triple PlayNot one question for our Geto Boy columnist this week, but three.

Dear Willie D:

I just wanted to say hello and also thank you for all of the awesome Geto Boys and fantastic solo albums you put out. I hope everything is going great for you nowadays also. Have you considered putting out any other albums in the meantime, or are you concentrating on bigger and better things nowadays?