Alive - Alive - No

Whenever I meet fellow-members in the flesh, two questions seem to pique their interest, so I will take this opportunity of answering them.

Firstly, The Society does not pay for my gastronomic extravagances which, being private occasions, are financed by taxed income. They tend also to be special occasions, so, secondly, I don't go looking for trouble. On the contrary, I always set off for a good restaurant with hope in my heart, a selection of plastic next to it and a sense of pleasant anticipation that it should not be possible to turn to despair. That so many of my forays end up fuelling this column is, therefore, entirely unplanned.

Unfairly for the world's many gifted chefs and their attentive staff, my perfect dinners are rarely mentioned here, lacking, as they do, the comic potential of the disasters. Last autumn, I enjoyed one of my best birthday treats ever, at a two-star restaurant on the Amalfi coast, but an astonishing starter, celebrating the arrival of the season's porcini, and a fantastic winecellar, hewn from the rock of the bluff on which the restaurant perches were just not funny. I also recall with awe a similarly-starred, equally brilliant but essentially joke-free repast in La Rochelle. Two stars are sérieux. If it's laughter you're after, stick to the one and go to Nantes, where the prize for last year's daftest dining experience was awarded on the spot. They might even have the plaque on display by now.

The gourmet centre of this fair city, according to le bon Michelin, is handily situated atop the Chamber of Commerce. The food is very good even if the view is a tad estuarine. At least it's the Loire and the rain is warm.

Having ordered our meal, we were brought an amuse-gueule of cockles. Never totally at ease with bottom-feeding crustaceans, we are neither of us keen on cockles, which remind me of childhood Sundays spent in wellies sieving the wretched things from the murky sands of the Towy estuary for my father, who adored them.

Our gueules less than amused, we promptly, but very politely declined. Ah bon, came the response, so eat the tomato garnish. The waitress, clearly Marie Antoinette back from the dead, exploited our second of speechlessness to escape, without the cockles.

Next came the sommelier with the wine. We asked him to take the cockles away. Naturally, being a sommelier he couldn't possibly do that himself. The cockles remained. The maitre d' passed the table. Please take these cockles away we begged. We are allergic to them and may die on your premises. The apology was effusive, the cockles unmoved. Our starters approached, under silver domes but there was nowhere to put them. 'Vous n'avez pas mangé vos cocques!' commented the waitress, as, finally, they were taken away.

The silver domes were now uplifted, with great ceremony to reveal perfectly cooked John Dory, garnished with, er, cockles. The waitress shrugged in a very French way. I responded in a very Welsh way, with a face that would have done Jemima Nicholas proud when she saw off the first and last French invasion of Fishguard in 1797. The cockles were removed. Sarcasm on stony ground is best avoided, but when the duck arrived, under more domes, we could not resist the impulse to ask if that too came with cocques. With a completely straight face, and commendable honesty, our waitress, now rebranded as Molly Malone, said she didn't know and could only give us the "Non!" we wished to hear after looking under the dome. The cheese course was more relaxing, though we had braced ourselves for Camembert au Calvados avec ses cocques.

We laugh, but this experience cost the best part of €200. A fair chunk of that went on the wine, and the food itself was delicious. But listening to customers is surely more important than dome management, napkin titivation and silver-plated crumbing -down, and, if you want to eat cockles, there are better places to do so. Swansea Market, for instance, where inexpensive, fuss-free tubs of the little horrors are served with a smile by the ladies on the central stall. But only if you ask for them.

As befits a co-operative organisation – and any other kind with a modicum of sense – The Wine Society has been listening to members since 1874. We rely on ongoing dialogue, and many of our services originated as members' suggestions. We certainly wouldn't expect any member to live with something we had delivered that was not right. For feedback, good or bad, please don't hesitate to contact Member Services on 01438 741177 or contact us via our online enquiry form

The Society Promise

Uncork with confidence

The Wine Society is a mutual organisation, so our members' satisfaction is paramount. If, for any reason, you haven't enjoyed a wine we want to hear about it and will happily offer a credit, a replacement or a refund.

By using this website, you agree that The Wine Society can place
cookies on your device in accordance with our
updated cookie policy Tick box and confirm that you agree.
We now use a fuller range of cookies with the aim of providing you with a better service, as set out in our
updated cookie policy.
If you do not agree to this, you should alter your browser settings to turn off cookies or cease using the website.

4.4. Cookie Policy

By using The Wine Society website, you agree to cookies being used in accordance with the policy outlined below. If you do not agree to this, you must alter your browser settings to turn off cookies or block those types which are unacceptable to you or cease using the website.

The Wine Society uses cookies to enable easy navigation and shopping on the website. We take the privacy of all who use our website very seriously and ensure that our use of cookies complies with current EU legislation. The following guide outlines what cookies are, the types of cookies used on The Society's website and how they work.

You may alter your browser settings to turn off cookies or block those types which are unacceptable to you, but this will cause difficulties when accessing and using some areas of the site. Instructions on how to do this can also be found below.

4.4.1. What are 'Cookies'?

Most major websites use cookies.

A cookie is a very small data file placed on your hard drive by a web page server. It is essentially your access card, and cannot be executed as code or deliver viruses. It is uniquely yours and can only be read by the server that gave it to you.

Cookies cannot be used by themselves to identify you.

The purpose of a basic cookie is to tell the server that you returned to that web page or have items in your basket. Without cookies, websites and their servers have no memory. A cookie, like a key, enables swift passage from one place to the next.

Without a cookie every time you open a new web page the server where that page is stored will treat you like a completely new visitor.

More recently, cookies have also been used to collect information about the user which allows a profile of their preferences and interests to be created so that they can be served with interest-based rather than generic information about available goods and services.

4.4.2. How do Cookies help The Wine Society?

Cookies allow our website to function effectively. Cookies also help us to arrange content to match your preferred interests more quickly. We can learn what information is important to our visitors, and what isn't.

4.4.3. How does The Wine Society use cookies?

The Wine Society does not accept advertising from third parties and therefore, as a rule, does not serve third-party cookies. Exceptions to this include performance/analytical cookies (see below), used anonymously to improve the way our website works, and occasions when we may team up with suppliers to offer special discounts on goods or services.

The Society uses technology to track the patterns of behaviour of visitors to our site. In this instance we use cookies of the types described in 4.4.4.1 below (which are removed at the end of your session) and in 4.4.4.2 below (which are removed after 14 months). These are always served as first-party cookies, operated by The Wine Society, not a third party.

4.4.4. What type of cookies does The Wine Society use?

We use the following three types of cookies:

4.4.4.1. Strictly Necessary CookiesThese cookies are required for the operation of our website, enabling you to move around the website and use its features, such as accessing secure areas of the website. Without these cookies, services like shopping baskets or e-billing cannot be provided. Under this heading, we currently use the following cookies:

Authentication Cookie and Anonymous CookieThese cookies remember that you are logged in to your account – without them, the website would repeatedly request your login details with each new page you visit during your time on our website. They are removed once your session has ended.

SessionID CookieThis cookie is used to remember who you are as you use our site: without it, the website would be unable to tell the difference between you and another Wine Society member and facilities such as your basket and the checkout process would therefore not be able to function. They too are removed once your session has ended.

4.4.4.2. Functionality & Targeting/Tracking CookiesThese cookies are used to recognise you when you return to our website and to provide enhanced features. This allows us to personalise our content for you. Under this heading, we currently use the following cookie:

Unique User CookieThis cookie is used to:

store your share number in order to identify that you have visited the website before. Without this cookie, we would be unable to tell whether you are a member or not.

record your visit to the website, the pages you have visited and the links you have followed. We use this information to make our website, the content displayed on it and direct marketing communications we may send to you or contact you about more relevant to your interests

This cookie expires after 14 months.

4.4.4.3. Performance/analytical cookiesThese cookies collect information about how visitors use a website, for instance which pages visitors go to most often, and if they get error messages from web pages. These cookies don't collect information which identifies a visitor. All information these cookies collect is aggregated and therefore anonymous. It is only used to improve how a website works. Under this heading, we currently use the following cookies:

Webtrends CookieThis is a first-party cookie enabling Webtrends to track, anonymously, where you visit throughout the site. Using Webtrends allows The Society to better understand how members use our site and monitor website traffic.

Google Analytics CookiesThese are third-party cookies similar to the above, but used to enable Google Analytics to monitor website traffic. Like the Webtrends cookie, all information is recorded anonymously.

4.4.4.4. Authentication CookieIn order for us to ensure that your data remains secure it is necessary for us to verify that your session is authentic (i.e. it has not been compromised by a malicious user). We do this by storing an otherwise meaningless unique ID in a cookie for the duration of your visit. No personal information can be gained from this cookie.

4.4.5. How do you turn cookies off?

All modern browsers allow you to modify your cookie settings so that all cookies, or those types which are not acceptable to you, are blocked. However, please note that this may affect the successful functioning of the site, particularly if you block all cookies, including essential cookies. For example, In Internet Explorer, go to the Tools Menu, then go to Internet Options, then go to Privacy. Here you can change the rules your browser uses to accept cookies. You can find out more in the public sources mentioned below.

Any changes we may make to our cookie policy in the future will be posted on the website and, where appropriate, notified to you by e-mail. Please check back frequently to see any updates and changes to our cookie policy.