How Not to Dress for Your Murder Retrial

We heard you're back to court today, and wanted to make a suggestion before you pick out an outfit.

Frankly George, we didn't think we'd see you for a while. Requesting a retrial? Really? We thought you got off easy: 25 years for the murder of your girlfriend, one year for stealing her computer, and acquittal of the other four other charges. We figured you'd be happy with the verdict, and that a jury might respond harsher to the claim that a 6'2" All-American lacrosse player on the end of a 14-hour bender was "trying to talk" to his girlfriend after he kicked through her door, and that it was only after a bit of mutual tussling that the conversation "spiraled out of control."

But back to this week's appearance. Any idea what you might wear? Last time we saw you in court, you wore a huge blazer, khakis, and an unbuttoned oord with no tie. We've never been tried for murder, George, but even if we were charged with something like speeding and underage possession (like you were in 2007), we'd have put a tie on for the judge. The sleeves of Shaq's blazer nicely covered your shackles, but still. It's a trial, not a father-son golf tournament, like the one at Wintergreen Resort, where you got drunk at 10 a.m. on the morning of Yeardley Love's murder. It's court, George, not country-club casual.

Where did you get such poor fashion sense? From your Dad? Some connection seems evident. George IV rocked a power doughnut and an odd fleece/sportcoat combination at your trial, and he wined and dined you with some teammates on that fateful night, and we hear he'd helped you line up a job at a plush D.C. real estate firm. Maybe he'll help you when you get out? We're guessing you'll be around 40 and in bad need of a friend (don't call us). G-IV could be that guy, though last we heard, he was facing foreclosure and three DUI-related charges—and come to think of it, he called in that domestic abuse complaint back in 2008, after you reportedly threatened him aboard the family yacht, then jumped ship before the Palm Beach sheriff arrived. We'll let you two figure it out.

So our question stands: Would it have killed you to wear a tie? We know you can tie one, from your days at the sex scandal-fraught Landon School and those party photos from UVA. Speaking of the University of Virginia, think they'll reinstate you? All things considered, the old U of V has been very kind. Rather than expel an athlete, the school let you withdraw, then claimed to know nothing about your legal troubles, like your arrest sophomore season, when, according to police, a cop tased you after you resisted arrest and threatened to kill her.

(That one rang a bell, so we did some digging and sure enough, on the laptop you stole and then hid from police, we found this line in an old post-argument e-mail you'd sent: "I should have killed you.")

See George, you were an NCAA Division I athlete, and any D-I alum knows that schools monitor everything from who players date to where they like to party. Your school's now-retired president, John Casteen III, said UVA was unaware of your history, and while we don't buy that shit for a second, at least Casteen (Class of '65) understood the kindergarten rules of public relations enough to speak to Yeardley's murder. Your coach, Dom Starsia, who just signed a new million-dollar contract, never publicly spoke to students or press. He's now facing charges leveled by Yeardley's mom, including lying about your criminal record and tolerating numerous documented instances of the same sort violent behavior that ultimately killed another student. (We bet he'll wear a tie to court.)

Then again, not much the University or you or your lawyers say makes a lot of sense. It took true insolence to stand before Yeardley's teammates, sister, and mother and plead "not guilty" to the charges: first-degree murder, felony murder, robbery, burglary, grand larceny, and breaking and entering. Or suggest that she died of a heart attack, and if jurors didn't like that one, that her pillow did the actual killing. There's also your police statement that you shook Yeardley "a little bit," that you "never hit her," and that it was in fact she who hit her head against the wall.

Was it after this tussling that the conversation "spiraled out of control"? When Yeardley's face got so cut and swollen that her eyes shut, and her brain hemorrhaged, and then she died, because you beat her to death?

Tell us, George. Inquiring minds want to know.

And for god's sake, put a tie on. Or don't. We knew from your teammates' testimony and your thoroughly documented violent history that you were an alcoholic piece of criminal shit.