(Pencil) Breaking News! The Savage is an Asshole! The Hundred Dollar Man is broke but still champion!

Greetings, Pencil Fighting Fans! As always, we’re running late with the news around here, but the memories of WXPFL IX: Unbroken are indelibly written in pencil upon my mind.

June 17th 2011 marked the date of the first ever Pencil Pack Elimination tag team matches in WXPFL history. Two big main events featuring teams of 4 Pro gra-Fighters faced off in star-studded matches with earth-shaking consequences.

Team Asshole (Joey and Jimmie Asshole, Swami Pervii Slurpii, Atty. Morty Manishevitz) took on Team Savage (The San Juan Island Savage, The Bird, The Yellow Dragon and The Canadian). If Team Asshole won, The San Juan Island Savage would be forced to join Team Asshole and get an Asshole Makeover. If Team Savage won, one of the Asshole Brothers would be forced to become the Savage’s personal slave.

To the shock of all in attendance, The Asshole Brothers unveiled a new pencil strike dubbed “The Piledriver” and used it to destroy Team Savage in rapid succession. After deliberation, the controversial new move was ruled to be legal for the night’s competition, but has since been ruled illegal. The Assholes celebrated and led off a dejected High Chief Anakortes Orkas, and neither Asshole nor Savage have been seen since.

Then the second annual Pencilmania Open Audience Tournament for an WXPFL contract took place, and audience member Jenn Webb outfought 7 other amateurs and left with sponsor prizes and a contract to become the newest WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighter!

Next we had another Pencil Pack challenge match between Team McFondle Inc. (#1 contender Ronald McFondle, Billy The Fridge, Gary Gloryhole and Balls Deep) taking on The Hundred Dollar Team (The Hundred Dollar Man, “Local Celebrity” Emmett Montgomery, Fellatia the Fluffer and a homeless guy). If Team McFondle Inc. won, McFondle would get Thaddeus P. Skrilla’s entire Hundred Dollar Fortune. If The Hundred Dollar Team won, Skrilla would get the lucrative publishing rights to all the songs on McFondle & Fridge’s CD “The Clown and The Mountain”.

The controversy expected from such a matchup between our two top Gra-Fighters unfolded right away, as Thaddeus P. Skrilla unveiled his mystery team: the untested but well-known local celebrity Emmett Montgomery, the angry Fellatia the Fluffer who offered her “services” to Skrilla following a blow-up with boyfriend Balls Deep, and finally, when pressed to round his team out, Skrilla ran out to the back alley and recruited a random homeless guy, reportedly paid to pencil fight with a cold Hot Pocket.

The controversy continued as one by one, the teams were whittled away and Gra-Fighters were sent to the back (including an irate Skrilla) and Ronald Mcfondle suddenly found himself coached by The Asshole Brothers and Swami Pervii Slurpii, who ran to ringside and encouraged McFondle to use their new Piledriver strike for victory. McFondle hesitated, wisely wary of any assistance from the villainous Assholes, but his desire for victory won out, and The Clown used the Piledriver to eliminate the final Hundred Dollar teammate and claim the briefcase containing the Hundred Dollars. Skrilla stormed off, declaring that he would rebuild his fortune and reminded everyone that he is still reigning WXPFL Champion.

WXPFL officials have declared that the main event of the next WXPFL Championships will be a championship match between Ronald McFondle and Thaddeus P. Skrilla. Stipulations and match type to be announced later.

Even bigger news is around the corner for WXPFL as owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has promised big changes and a more hands-on approach to ownership! Stay tuned here for more info!