Wayto deal with controlling mom

Q. I am a full-time college student living with my mom. She is constantly calling me names and telling me what I need to do. I never seem to dress or look the way she wants me to, but being a student, I can't financially support myself, so I feel moving out is not an option. Please help me with ways to cope with her controlling ways.

A. You may feel as if your mother is trying to control every aspect of your life, and it sounds like you are right! Unfortunately, controlling moms believe that they are helping their children. The behaviors your mom exhibits make it very difficult for you to have a healthy relationship with her. However, you must realize that you are in control of your life, and now is the time to begin exercising that control.

It takes two to have a healthy relationship, and in this relationship, each of you hold 50 percent of the responsibility. You, nor your mom alone, can make this a healthy relationship. You can't change anyone but yourself, and the next step is to learn coping skills to help you deal with your mother.

If you are constantly doing what your mom tells you to do, you may begin to believe the unrealistic expectations she has of you are really what you should be doing. This could not be further from the truth. Accept that you may never get your mom's approval. Ask yourself: Why are you doing what she wants you to do and not what you would like to do? This can be a difficult first step but well worth the trouble.

To cope with a controlling mom:

Establish boundaries. Decide what aspects of your life you will and won't share with your mom.

Look for approval from yourself instead of your mother. Getting approval from yourself is a lot easier than relying on others to feel good about yourself.

Remove the guilt from your life. Do not feel guilty for wanting to live your own life. Begin to do things that you enjoy, not what your mom thinks you should do.

Use and keep repeating one phrase when your mom begins to tell you what you should do. This phrase will help you begin to feel in control of your life, " I love you mom, but I do not want to discuss that right now." Whenever your mom begins to interfere, just repeat this phrase and then you can change the subject.

If you want your life to change, you must be realistic about what your mother's behavior really means. Loving someone means that you respect and care about the other person's happiness - without expecting anything in return. You may never get unconditional love from your mother, but you can give it to yourself.

For more information visit my website at www.coastaltherapist.com. If you have a relationship or parenting question, send me an email at michelle@coastaltherapist.com. Your question may be answered in one of my upcoming advice columns. Happy Parenting and Relationship Happiness!