Relationship Drifts

When we talk about broken or failed relationships, what comes to mind first is that someone probably cheated. And then there are the other reasons such as incompatibility or irreconcilable differences; physical or verbal abuse; possessiveness, jealousy, & trust-issues that lead to fighting, etc.

But I tell you what, there is another MAJOR culprit why relationships fail. I would bet that this one probably have not cross the minds of most of us because unlike the reasons mentioned earlier, this particular one is not obvious. It works like a cancer- you’ll only realize that you have it when you’re already experiencing the damage on the relationship. Most often than not, either it is too late, or it will require a “major treatment” for the relationship to be restored.

This silent relationship-killer I am talking about is called Relationship Drift. It is like people staying on different boats that are slowly being drifted away by the water current. If they don’t exert effort to paddle and stay close together, the boats will be separated away from each other.

The sad thing is that Relationship Drifts don’t just happen overnight. It’s a long on-going process that we fail to notice and it could happen to any relationship. It could be between spouses, parents and children, in-laws, and friends. It’s when we lose spark or interest to one another. This is when conversations are no longer interesting or on a deeper level. It is when we no longer miss the other person. It is when we no longer care what the other person is doing. It is when we no longer care what they think or feel about us. It is when we no longer feel anything or when we become indifferent.

I would like to think that drifts in relationships is brought about by the absence of 3-A’s: Affection, Attention, and Affirmation. And so to avoid it, we need to ensure that we always have these 3-A’s present in our relationships.

Affection.
When we love someone, we have to show them our affection. Love is not just a word or a feeling. There has to be an action. Kissing and hugging are most popular, but there are other ways too. We can give simple gifts, tap on the shoulder, helping out, or even calling or texting just to say you’re thinking of the person or you appreciate something that he or she did for you.

Attention.
Set a time to bond. Try to schedule separate dates with your spouses or partner, children, in-laws and friends. Be mindful of the moment and communicate. Share your thoughts and experiences. Ask how each other is doing, and be interested to not only what’s happening in their lives, but also with their dreams and aspirations. Celebrate a lot- not just birthdays and holidays. Make reasons for celebrations like when your son top the exam or your daughter learned to play a new instrument. Creating moments with your loved ones is what makes a great relationship.

Affirmation.
We need to show encouragement and support when needed. Even if we don’t feel like doing it, we have to let people feel and believe that we will always be here for them. The lack of assurance that you will be there no matter what cripples relationships. Being said that, let’s try hard not to judge but be understanding even if we do not tolerate a certain behavior. Good and open communication is always a key.

I know that doing all these is not easy. It is hard and that is why most relationships don’t work out. Trust me when I say that it is better to work hard now, than suffer and regret the consequences of not having to do all these later.

Right! we’re mostly pre-occupied with things that seemingly matters and put those that truly matters on second priority. I have a hard time balancing this too…but come to it of it, the decision-making should be based on what matters to you more. 😊

I agree! I’m a believer that happiness boils down to relationships. If we have happy satisfying relationship to ourselves, to others and to God, we are happy nomatter what. But even if we have all the material things and fame in the world-even good health- but if we have failed & unhealthy relationships, we are lonely whether we admit it or not…

So well said, Nina! All things in this materialistic world, even our health, is passing away as we speak. But relationships help sustain us. And the walk we have with God can lead to an eternal life of glory…

Hey Nina, today was my first time posting a blog and discovering wordpress.. and my first post actually was really briefly, about what you wrote here, silent relationship drifters, wondering what to do when these happened. Reading your blog answered some of my wonders!! Thanks heaps!

Thank you Miriam. Sometimes, I feel like I give more time and effort to the less important things (such as work) and put the more important things like family & health next to my priorities… I guess this is me reminding myself to re-evaluate my actions and make them in sync with what I truly value.

I have experienced the ‘relationship drift’ in many friendships and am currently experiencing it in my relationship. How do you come back from the brink of giving up? Its a hard place to find yourself. Thanks for the much needed and mindful read.

Thank you for reading my post. I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing a drift in your relationship. I am not sure how your current situation is now but here is what I would do myself. 1. Have some time alone together where you could talk. Ask how your partner is and what’s going on with his or her life, or what plans they have. 2. If you can’t have some quality time alone, involve yourself in your partner’s world. What are the things that he/she do? Ask if you could join. Be interested in the things that he/she likes even if you don’t necessarily enjoy them. This way, he/she will realize your willingness to reconnect. 3. Do something special for him/her. You don’t need occassion to celebrate. Surprise him/her. Call your partner’s friends and invite them to a weekends barbecue and catch up. The most important thing is to communicate. Express how you feel so that they could also work with you in nourishing the relationship. I hope things will get better. I’ll be praying for you. ☺

Relationship drift, I can totally relate at the moment.
Things made sense at first but a year later, now, it seems all dumb and does not make sense anymore.
I have read your blog that i found very great. I guess, in my case Affirmation is missing.. but not in a sense that you mentioned but in a sense that false hopes were kept given my way and promises were never fulfilled. I am not sure if I should really continue trusting a person blindly and keep going with ‘hopes’ that i never know are valid or no. Or maybe I am hushing things because I am mad of continued wait to see if things that are being told since over a year would actually show up in other’s actions too?

I look forward to your reply hoping it would be helpful for my metal peace for now.

How To Be Happy?

#1- Make face in front of the mirror...
#2- Do or say something nice for others #3- Pray for yourself, for the people you love, and the people who do not like you
#4- Forgive and ask for forgiveness...
#5- Have someone to love, and do something you love...

Quotable Quote!

"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle."- Albert Einstein