February 28, 2015

See You In Dabiq [OregonMuse]— Open Blogger

So, last Friday night, after eating way too much bacon and way too many chocolate chip cookies, and washing it all down with more Valu-Rite than is good for me, I passed out in a drunken stupor fell asleep in front of my computer while I was reading Graeme Wood's excellent article on what ISIS really wants that has been referenced in a number of earlier threads here. Particularly the part where he describes how the seemingly insigificant (to us) city of Dabiq in Syria in reality looms very large in the apocalyptic imaginations of the ISIS theoriticians and I remember thinking how odd this is, and then as I teetered back and forth in a dream-like state between consciousness and unconsciousness, I heard that the 2016 elections were over and Scott Walker had won a great victory.

And at his first press conference, some reporter asked him about ISIS. "Bunch of pussies" President Walker replied, a look of supreme contempt on his face. "They may think they're all tough and shit when beheading teenaged boys or setting women on fire, but put any of those flaccid cowards up against a U.S. Marine and they'll lift up their skirts and go crying back to mama, guaranteed."

Another reporter asked Walker if such a statement is exactly what ISIS wants, and that it would play into their hands. The President's look of contempt turned to disgust. "Play? They won't be able to play anything after I'm through with them, because they'll be dead. I'm calling every one of those delicate petunias out - on Easter Sunday, units of the Unites States Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines will converge on the plains of Dabiq (that's in Syria for all of you journos who didn't bother to learn geography), where we'll be opening an extra large can of whoop-ass on their sorry jihadi butts. Although I hate to waste all that firepower. ISIS is such a pathetic bunch of nancy-boys, we could probably take them out with a couple 6-year-old tomboys with BB guns."

Shortly thereafter, the "#TrueFactsAboutISIS" hashtag started showing up on Twitter (and an unproved rumor was that this had been masterminded by Vice-President Jindal) with tweets (helpfully translated into Arabic) such as

"Did You Know that most ISIS brides are extremely disappointed by their husbands' tiny penises?"

"According to scientific research, 75% of all ISIS fighters prefer catching, if you know what we mean (wink)"

"After a hard day of bullying wives and terrifying goats, the men of ISIS like to relax in women's underwear"

Also Secretary of State John Bolton started the "#SeeYouInDabiq" hashtag that consisted of photographs of the men and equipment the United Stares military was assembling, and a countdown to Easter Sunday.

Whipped up into a frothing red rage, ISIS forces started massing in Dabiq. On all of the social media outlets, ISIS called out to all of its followers, announcing that the apocalypse was immanent, and that the armies of "Rome" would soon be vanquished. More than 12,000 fighters moved out into the fields outside Dabiq on Easter Sunday and waited. At precisely 12 noon local time, the battlefield was rocked by one massive explosion, followed by a second, that completely obliterated the ISIS army - except for a few staggering outliers who looked like Wile E. Coyote after an Acme Jet-Pak failure.

Nobody knew what caused the explosions, although there were rumors of a stealth bomber flying over the battlefield, too high to be seen, that released two precision-guided tactical battlefield nukes.

But the American forces were nowhere present.

When asked to explain the absence of American military in Dabiq, White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter smacked her forehead and said, "Wait a minute, did you say Dabiq? We thought it was Dubuque. Oh, crap, we sent an entire carrier group to Iowa, and it's been sitting there waiting the whole time. Whoops, sorry. Our bad."

6
I volunteer to help John Kerry put on his *magic* hat and kick him out the chopper door so that he beats Brian Williams to the screen.

Posted by: gmac at February 28, 2015 04:11 PM (74McK)

7
I'd just like to state proudly that I made that dancing girl reverse direction. But no way are those blocks next to the green cylinder the same color.

Posted by: uh huh at February 28, 2015 04:11 PM (HpYXA)

8
How does someone writing in the Atlantic know what the Islamic state really wants?
Doesn't anyone at the Atlantic know how the Bell Curve works?
Take a large group of people, ask them "What do you want?" Tabulate the replies.
It's evolution. It's science.

Posted by: Mr. Mordun at February 28, 2015 04:11 PM (Nk7jv)

9
These guys are uh totally like uh JV and stuff, which is uh why we'll be uh sending them an uh undisclosed sum of uh dollars to not behead our uh troops we didn't uh send into uh Iraq.

27
>>> 21 3 Your lips move. But I can't hear what your saying
Posted by: Pink floyd at February 28, 2015 09:09 PM (0gjMe)
My hands feel just like two balloons.
Posted by: Insomniac at February 28, 2015 09:17 PM (0lfHk)
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
(Doing my part here to keep this thread alive)
Insomniac, still at the party?

31
Great, now we'll have to spend a whole week with the MFM breathlessly asking all our candidates, "Do you support the words of Scott Walker in this weekend's OregonMuse dream sequence?"

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 04:24 PM (FcR7P)

32My wife and I dined in Manhattan with Tom and his wife this evening, and we all had delicious baked narwahl, twice baked potatoes, and a great Chilean wine. For dessert, we feasted on baked Alaska, with a dollop of sweet cream as we discussed the futile efforts of republican's to win the presidency.

40
One of the most beautiful things in the world is the silenced call to prayer over Dabiq.

Posted by: ObjectionSustained at February 28, 2015 04:26 PM (Ip7OR)

41
Kinda funny, except the thing to do once they assembled and were waiting would be to have a few B-52's fly overhead - entirely manned by female crews - and drop fuel air bombs on the bastards.
Being killed by a woman = no virgins, in their fucked up mythology. You kill the bulk of their fighting forces in that kind of way, and a lot of the rest are going to go "fuck this shit, I'm outta here."

Posted by: Cato at February 28, 2015 04:26 PM (3HxZe)

42
Ya'll are screwing up the damn lyrics. Out of order.
Whatever, still works

48
Serious question, and it's related to the topic.
How would Teh Horde re-write the First Amendment, so as to proscribe muhammyism from being taught, preached or practiced here in the USA?
And do so in such a way that doesn't open the door or kick all of us Bitter Clingers down a well-greased, slippery slope.
I'll wager that the Morons here will come up with better and more useable solutions than anyone inside the Beltway of Bewilderment which is the D.C.-esspool.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

60
WH Press Secretary Ann Coulter--that's the best laugh I've had all week!

Posted by: Kevin Canuck at February 28, 2015 04:32 PM (Hlv/w)

61
Posted by: Jim at February 28, 2015 09:29 PM (RzZOc)
Just as you can't yell fire in a crowded theater, you can't call for the death of the non-believers. The same laws that cover the former should also cover the latter. No new revisions required.

Posted by: Cato at February 28, 2015 04:32 PM (3HxZe)

62
Nah, can't use the tactical nukes because it would really increase gorebull enwarmening. John F'n Kerry said so.
Although, we could really use some gorebull enwarmening right now. Neighbor across the street has at least a ten foot icicle hanging just off his front door. Cool, but potentially harmful.

75
Yeah, so I was in Dabiq and decided to find out what all the fuss was a about goat sex. I picked one out of the goat pen and began my foray into the ways of exotic pleasures when my hosts, Achmed and Mahmoud, started laughing their asses off. I asked what the hell was so funny. They both pointed at me and in glee shouted, "You picked the ugliest one!"

Posted by: ObjectionSustained at February 28, 2015 04:37 PM (Ip7OR)

76
Correction--Jen will be hosting PINK Eye.
I saw Bob Costas open as the host for Pink Eye at the Olympics .

Posted by: tbodie at February 28, 2015 04:37 PM (tHAoL)

77
Re-write the 1st Amendment? Why? Just ignore the damn thing when it gets in your way.

80
(prog rock lyrics, eh? ok then)
"And the meek shall inherit the earth."
"The massive grey walls of the Temples rise from the
Heart of every Federation city. I have always been awed
By them, to think that every single facet of every life is
Regulated and directed from within! Our books, our music, Our work and play are all looked after by the benevolent Wisdom of the priests"

83
Not to rain on anyone's parade, but I'm sure they'd show up with thousands of hostages.....which is why you'd need to drop tens-of-thousands of autonomous anti-weapon robots on the town -- so that anyone who so much as picks up a bread-knife gets shot. I'm guessing their schtick doesn't last too long when they are as disarmed as the people they wish to prey upon....

They have, as I understand it, an actual army with soldiers and what-not. And an assortment of weapons. You'd think they'd have figured out the pointy end by now and were more or less ready to go to work. But no.

If, say, even such a write-off as Brattleboro, Vermont were to be overrun by the likes of ISIS, one would not have to wait for three Sundays from now for every red-blooded male under the age of 70 in this country to throw the AR and three cases of beer in the trunk and head directly towards the sound of fighting. We would be done before Brian Williams had lifted his reddened, puffy eyes from his hypo-allegergenic, silk-enshrouded pillow that day. All of us would, in fact, still make it home in time to complete our regularly scheduled work duties and satisfy our women repeatedly before retiring to our well-deserved rest that evening.

93
Oregon Muse - sounds like you had too much ValueRIte tonight too. Instead of Lee Ermy, I want to hear David Petraus' measured, confident and professional military tone - or better yet - Stormin' Norman !!

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 04:44 PM (i5wUE)

94The problem with cow sex is the great distance. First it's the kiss then you run to the rear for a little penis-vag action, then kiss, then penis-vag, then kiss and you're exhausted from the running and humping.

105
>>>> I want to hear David Petraus' measured, confident and professional military tone
I may be wrong entirely on this but didnt Patreus rewrite the ROE to handicap our soldiers with bullshit PC muzzie loving crap? Was it him or the general that got his ass fired by Rolling Stone?
Don't know, don't remember. Honestly asking

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 04:49 PM (44Kmm)

106
101 - How do you define "eat"? Goat Butt good as most JIhadi women. They wear veils for a reason!

108
Pretty much all of the problems of the ME can be traced back, IIRC, the Balfour declaration. Once Turkey and the caliphate had been defeated in WWI, Britain split up the ME on their terms. Iraq, tribal for centuries, was now a country as was Syria (French colony) Palestine (now a Brit colony) and Saudi Arabia. The Saudi's got screwed and hated it. They thought that they would get much more.

Posted by: Old Blue at February 28, 2015 04:52 PM (AxABj)

109
Sharia Law is how rapists divvy up the spoils of plunder without needlessly murdering their own.

111My wife Fatima has a beautiful mustache, but I never kiss her because I prefer to stroke her dick.

Posted by: Achmed the Arabian at February 28, 2015 04:53 PM (P330y)

112
I was assaulted by a devout jihadi but I didn't even know the little pencil dick was back there.

Posted by: The Goat With the Long Eyelashes at February 28, 2015 04:55 PM (DajPN)

113
When asked about the action, the Secretary of the recently renamed Department of War, Allen West commented, "A shame, really" When asked to elaborate, the Secretary commented that he had argued with the President against what he saw as a half-measure; "I mean, salt that area with plutonium and Islam won't be a problem again until around the time the Sun burns out." He did admit however, that the President had the final word.

Posted by: algore at February 28, 2015 04:56 PM (B+ujR)

114
The article is the most beautiful thing I have read all week. What a vision for future that could be...

116
105 - Read "THE STRONGEST TRIBE" and see the truth. Liberals have gone a long way to discredit a hero - including paying off Congressional staff to ensure his microphone failed at the beginning of his testimony before Congress, replete with screaming protesters at that very moment. That must have set Soros back a million in bribes and intimidation to choreograph that one - televised before the world wide.

118The article is the most beautiful thing I have read all week.
You know what was missing? The press going over to act as "human shields".

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 04:58 PM (FcR7P)

119
My wife Fatima has a beautiful mustache, but I never kiss her because I prefer to stroke her dick.
Posted by: Achmed the Arabian
----
That's MY wife. Fatima, you beautiful whore!

Posted by: Mohammed Mohammad at February 28, 2015 04:59 PM (MYPM9)

120Pretty much all of the problems of the ME can be traced back, IIRC, the Balfour declaration.
See, here's what I don't get. A lot of people say that. However, if you were to blame any problems in Eastern Europe on the breakup of the Austrian Hungarian Empire as opposed to the modern countries involved, I don't think that would fly.
I'll say up front I haven't fully thought this out, but (for the sake of the argument) it's also possible things were calmer there pre-WWI because 1. there wasn't much to fight over and 2. there wasn't much money to fund a fight.

126When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only
state whosestate constitution explicitly forbade black people from
living, working or owning property within its bordersPosted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:41 PM (0FSuD)

Oregon was settled by people getting out of northern and southern states, a lot of them were small farmers that couldn't compete against gang slavery operated plantations, others that were bugging out of Kansas and Missouri, and a lot that just wanted to be left out of the brewing war.

Because of that they really wanted nothing to do with the problem that was caused by slavery and they felt the exclusion of slaves was the best compromise they could make. And at that the constitution was more lenient than the original constitution of the Provisional government.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 05:05 PM (t//F+)

127
Here, now how much?
Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER
I love a beard. Special discount, three barrels of mackerel and 14 smooth, round stones for my nest.

132
Because of that they really wanted nothing to do
with the problem that was caused by slavery and they felt the exclusion
of slaves was the best compromise they could make. And at that the
constitution was more lenient than the original constitution of the
Provisional government.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:05 PM (t//F+)

Until 1927 Blacks could not own property in the state. I think slavery had been over a long time. Try again.

133You can't kill ISIS. That's what they want.
Everybody goes home a winner!

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 05:10 PM (FcR7P)

134
I'll say up front I haven't fully thought this out, but (for the sake of the argument) it's also possible things were calmer there pre-WWI because 1. there wasn't much to fight over and 2. there wasn't much money to fund a fight.
Posted by: AD at February 28, 2015 10:00 PM (pXB1a)
In the years immediately prior to WWI, the Ottoman Empire was called the "Sick Man of Europe". It was pretty moribund by that time.
In earlier centuries, it was vigorous and aggressive. It expanded into Eastern Europe and threatened Vienna at least twice.
But then Western Civilization entered the Industrial Age, and that left the Muslims in the dust. They became an irrelevant backwater until the discovery of oil under their lands, which caused an enormous infusion of money.

139
>>>When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only state whose state constitution explicitly forbade black people from living, working or owning property within its borders<<<

That's gotta be worth 800+ years of reparations.

Posted by: Fritz at February 28, 2015 05:11 PM (dVmLD)

140
Pliny the Younger, you say....
Just remembered, I have to wash my feathers.

When Balfour was done, the Saudis weren't exactly a powerful force with lots of options to impose their will. Far from it. So I don't think much today's trouble stems from any link between Saudi resentment and Balfour's outlines.

As for the Iraqi army, remember how we got here.

US occupation was far too short, not near enough time to help instill some professionalism deep enough to over-come the regional/sect divisions or to build what barely exists in most Third World militaries - links of trust and responsibility up and down the chain of command.

The first administration of a sovereign Iraq was sort of Mirror Universe Konrad Adenauer Admin. - that is, the worst possible kind for a new country. Did nothing to build a national army and did everything to worsen things: tolerated corrupt irresponsible commanders, tolerated Shi'a abuses and Sunni alienation.

Even the key pillar of a US presence was gone, thanks to no SOFA and of course the current US govt. simply walking away from Iraq.

So when the ISIS thing started, there was no real, capable Iraqi national army ready to fight. Commanders abandoned troops, troops abandoned posts, nobody has confidence in each other, Sunnis in Anbar (enough, anyway) deciding to pretend to go along with ISIS for the moment (strong horse).

Posted by: Guy who has a tube sock in his pants at February 28, 2015 05:18 PM (MYPM9)

146When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only state whose state constitution explicitly forbade black people from living, working or owning property within its borders
*types*
*deletes*

Posted by: rickl at February 28, 2015 05:19 PM (sdi6R)

147
What a sock fest....
I'm list--oh, I thought you said SUCK fest. Never mind.

151
When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only state whose state constitution explicitly forbade black people from living, working or owning property within its borders.
----
Yeah, but we passed that law ironically.

153Until 1927 Blacks could not own property in the state. I think slavery had been over a long time. Try again.Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 10:08 PM (0FSuD){/i]

Well, if you want to allow your prejudices and opinions to carry more weight than facts about history please feel free to do so. If you want something to hate instead, you can point out the early adoption of eugenic principals by the state of Oregon in the operation of the state hospital system (mental hospitals) and the mandatory sterilization of people considered unfit instead. These policies were used in developing similar policies in Germany in the 30's.

But, you want to shout about color and race. Congratulations, you have managed to submerge history to narrative, and enshrine opinion above all understanding of not only where we come from but where that indicates how we got where we are today.Please allow me to mail to you, at my cost, my share of the internet in homage of your brilliance and deep, comprehensive understanding of this issue. I will go back to watching "Ow My Balls" and try to learn to match your argument style.

But a couple of questions: What point did you think I was saying anything more than that the Oregon Constitution was written originally while the crises that led to the Civil war were heating up? What point did you think I was saying anything other than it was more lenient on blacks than the original constitution of the Provisional government?At what point did I say anything other than the people who wrote the constitution of the state of Oregon wanted to prevent the eruption of an issue in their state that was tearing the union apart?

It may have been wrong, it surely is wrong by modern thinking, but we are talking about antebellum politics, which like today, had certain thing that were fashionable, and had certain things that could and could not be done.

158
The problem with cow sex is the great distance.
First it's the kiss then you run to the rear for a little penis-vag
action, then kiss, then penis-vag, then kiss and you're exhausted from
the running and humping.

159
And at his first press conference, some reporter asked him about ISIS.
"Bunch of pussies" President Walker replied, a look of supreme contempt
on his face. "Even worse than you reporter pussies, if that's possible," he continued.

161
That was beautiful, OregunMuse.
Of course, in your dream scenario the 47% would cease to acknowledge that there ever was an ISIS or a Third Iraq War that President Walker had to finish. They'll report how hot it got in Syria, contrary to all the weather and climate models. "Proof of climate change, you denier!"
I'd hate to see you risk your health, but could you have a few more belts of ValuRite and do the Silent Lucidity thing to see how that plays out?
Grazie.

Posted by: FireHorse at March 01, 2015 03:41 AM (r+LOT)

162
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the
ice in Antarctica ?Where do they go?

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family
and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact
with its offspring throughout its life.If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to
be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the
fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about
penguins, did you?