So. I was writing something and Stew singing “Love like That” came on the stereo.

It’s one of those poignant songs which would be imperfect sung by anyone else. The song made me think what would be the five songs I would put under one of those thoughtful couple moments in a TV show or movie when the couple is at one of “those moments”.

You know these moments. They kind of crack open what was and let’s what will be out.

They are that perfect romantic song which increases its perfectness when it is heard over one of those special moments in a TV show or movie (you know pretty much every movie John Cusack has ever been in when he realizes the girl is his). For example, when John Cusak and KateBeckinsale meet at the end of Serendipity (Nick Drake’s Northern Sky is awesome in the scene).

All that said. The songs I am going to suggest are pretty much below the radar. Certainly not top 40. But used in a TV show or movie? Amazing. And really really nice when you bring it home. These would be the six I wish someone would use and are nice to listen to on valentine’s day:

Stew is a big guy who has an interesting voice and has written some really eclectic odd stuff but also some really nice stuff. He sings along with a little woman who harmonizes with him perfectly. Love like That is awesome. You never get tired of listening to it.

If ever a song was written that matched a voice style this is it. “I love you more than I should” is an opening line that is delivered in a way that puts you in a mental space where you know exactly the time and the place you yourself were ‘there.’

The majority of Jann Arden’ stuff is pretty ordinary. With this song she captures the true essence of someone asking for some patience with their flaws. I am not sure I have ever heard a better song than this one with this message.This was used on the TV show Felicity perfectly.

Someone could do an entire scene over the entire song. It is about letting someone ‘free’ and loving them so much you promise them to be there no matter what. The guy’s voice has this fragile strength to it that makes the song fearful and fearless at exactly the same time. Beautiful song. Bluegrass has never sounded better.

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5. Well. This is actually the “heartache” love song trio because I couldn’t pick just one. They are almost interchangeable in their sound and the beautiful twinge of heartache and longing.

Over the Rhine’s music is all over the place. They don’t really seem to write that many love ballads. Latter Days is sadly emotionally crafted. It captures the emptiness felt when someone who you love is not there. And the simple beauty when they are there. “I love the way that you dance …” … perfect.

Her voice is perfect for the song. It’s one of those songs I cannot envision anyone else singing.

It took me forever listening to this song to understand they were saying ‘displaced.’ Doesn’t matter. The opening of the song sung by Maria Taylor I believe is fragile in its words and fragile in her voice style. This song seems to dip right into real life and explain unexplained feelings.

The songwriter, and singer, Peter Bradley Adams only did one cd as eastmountainsouth and then he did a solo cd. Doesn’t matter. His best songs are always a duet with a woman. You Dance is impeccably written. Heartfelt without being sappy and you almost feel like you have stepped into the middle of a couple’s sincere thoughts for each other. Like I said earlier it should be used for any wedding.

Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home.”

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Patch Adams

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Well. I had all these quotes and I didn’t know what to do with them until I saw the image at the opening of this post: “They say every atom in our bodies was once part of a star. Maybe I’m not leaving maybe I’m going home.”

I have often wondered why many of us are so restless. We seek things, and travel places looking for ‘something’ and dream dreams. This doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy what we have nor does it mean we don’t accept reality. It just means that there is always an undercurrent of change or “what ifs” or “what could be’s” underneath the surface of our Life. At the same time we are sailing through Life seeking some place we can land which we can not only call home, but actually feels like home.

And maybe that is where the line “home is where you hang your hat’ comes into play. In its simplicity it is actually suggesting that it really isn’t your hat that matters it is when you accept that you can be who you are and that ‘who’ is all you can be that you have found home. And while Thérèse was really suggesting that the material world was simply your journey and heaven, or God, is your destination the overall thought is truer than true.

Whether you believe in something bigger than you or simply believe there is something bigger within you, you should seek the stars within you to guide you to it all — not some external place or location which may appear to fulfill some aspect of ‘home.’

Your dreams, wishes and … yes … the starlight to guide you in the darkness of not knowing what to do, where to go and how to get thru whatever it is you are going thru … is all within you.

Your home resides within you.

You are simply looking for a place to … well … place your home that feels right and true. That place is unseen. That place is not really one place <it can actually be many places>.

Here comes the hard part.

Life will not give you any signposts and most of Life will constantly change your direction unseen in the undercurrents of Life.

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“In the short voyage of a lifetime, we can see the eddies and ripples on the surface, but not the undercurrents changing the main channel of the stream. “

Thomas Mellon

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This all suggests you are in control and you are not in control.

Just ponder the fact we often stand upon the deck of our ship admiring the horizon and enjoying the travel & journey only to have some Life undercurrent disrupt our complacency and some version of ‘living Life laziness’ <i.e., if you’re not careful and become actively involved in Life, Life will actively involve itself in your Life>.

This simply reminds us that circumstances beyond our control often disrupt the illusion of what we have, who we are and where we are.

The unseen undercurrent constantly nudges our mind with questions:

What is our purpose?

How can we take control of so many things out of our control?

How do we reconcile the vastness Life offers us … reconcile the bigness that can often appear within reach … and reconcile our desire to be worthy of Life … reconcile it all against the smallness that is us in the roiling sea on which our ship sails?

Will we ever satisfy our dreams for what could be & what we could be?

Meaningful or meaningless?

We struggle with these questions. And all the while we avoid the questions under the guise of “seeking home.’

Ah. Shit.

Suffice it to say, home is not anything physical, it actually resides in the infinite. As a corollary, this would presume if you accept its infiniteness you should be able to see it also has the potential to be infinitely good.

I believe we inherently know this and inherently know that only ‘home’ will truly satisfy us. And that search, that journey, is the satisfaction. I imagine the unfortunate, uncomfortable, truth is the odds are we will never truly find some ‘home’ in which we can live our entire lives.

– Valentine’s Day plays an important role in a “stimulus-response” type model for men.

The day is a valuable stimulus to stop us from thinking solely with our dumb stick and with some random portion of our brain that isn’t being used for sports, work, alcohol, oogling (not ogling … there is a difference), mindless daydreaming or sleeping. The diagram I created clearly outlines how we think without Valentine’s day and then with Valentine’s day.

I began here just to suggest because we men struggle with Valentine’s Day itself … the gift is an added challenge which many of us are just not capable of rising to.

– My advice to men who put a lot of cash in a bag?

Change.

Coins.

If I were to withdraw $50,000 from the bank in cash I would ask for a sack of quarters <okay … maybe dimes … but not pennies> so no thief can run off with it.

– My advice to men who are going to give their loved one cash on Valentine ’s Day?

Not a paper bag.

C’mon.

Certainly you can spring for some fancy cloth bag <heck … you can get one from Whole Foods for less than 10 bucks> to lovingly place the $50000 in cash you are giving.

– My advice for transporting said cash?

Hint.

Don’t let it out of your sight.

I don’t care if your 2006 Audi has an innovative high tech 2026 security system which can Star Trek-like transport a perpetrator off to Siberia … you are holding on to that cash like it is the loved one you plan on giving it to as a valentine’s day gift.

– My advice for giving cash as a gift?

Well.

$50000 does kind of bend the rules on giving something as unsentimental as cash for Valentine ’s Day. Typically I could just end it here with “cash is unacceptable as a Valentine’s Day gift>.

But my perspective is misguided because most of us schmucks go to the bank and have a $200 limit withdrawal at the ATM … so I am slightly unclear as to how sentimental a woman would feel if I handed her a bag with $50k in it.

But let’s assume after she came round from fainting at the sight of all those ones <outside the strip club to boot> … she starts thinking that maybe you hadn’t really thought that much about … well … a thoughtful gift.

I could be way off base here … but … if you have $50k in cash you could probably splurge on the 50 Shades of Grey riding crop:

If you are lucky … really lucky … she will be so focused on the riding crop she will forget you gave her cash for valentine’s day <albeit $50000 in cash>.

Let’s all hope Ed had a backup gift plan for his little lady.

I have an image of Ed running into the local grocery store at the last minute and buying a $12 pre-wrapped bouquet of grocery store red carnations and maybe stopping by the candy aisle and getting some of the Valentine’s Day M&M’s.

Only to have her turn on the TV and see that someone had snagged her $50,000 cash in a bag vaentine’s gift earlier in the day.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … tough night for Ed.

Just a quick reminder to everyone on Valentine ’s Day that no matter how bad your gift may be … it could be worse.

“Life and love are life and love, a bunch of violets is a bunch of violets, and to drag in the idea of a point is to ruin everything. Live and let live, love and let love, flower and fade, and follow the natural curve, which flows on, pointless.” – d. h. Lawrence

So.

First. Happy Valentine ’s Day.

Second. Thank you D.H.

Valentine’s Day should never have a point. It is simply a moment in a natural curve which flows on … pointless. It seems we put so much meaning into everything these days … I kind of think of all the days in the year VDay should simply ‘live and let live’ and ‘love and let love.’

Third. That said. I will make a point on valentine’s day … in fact … a bunch of points <you certainly didn’t think I wouldn’t, did you?>.

This thought for valentines day is not actually mine. Well. Most of it is not mine <because I will add in some of my own point of view>. I was cleaning out a box and I found a column from a late 1980’s Dallas Morning News that for some reason I had stashed in a folder – 10 Romance Myths.

Parts are funny.

Parts are absurd.

But all parts got published in a credible newspaper so I have to think there is some merit <original column in italics … my thoughts are not>.

Here you go.

Myth 1: when its love, you know it.

Not true. One partner may know it; the other may be out to lunch. That’s what happened when one of our correspondents, Didi, met Brad. She knew it was love … not right away. It took her about an hour … but Brad was marching to the beat of a different drummer. One that was banging verrrrrrrrry slowly.

After their first date Brad said, “I’ll call you soon.” And then he fell off the face of the earth for 5 weeks. It took a note under his windshield to get him to pick up the phone.

Well.

I agree with the ‘not true.’ Falling in love, oddly enough, has an individual drummer. And just like snowflakes … each drummer is different. I say oddly because unless you are a narcissist it takes two to fall in love. Yet … you don’t know it until you know it <no matter how fast one wants the other to know something>.

Myth 2: when it’s right, it’s easy.

Well. Sometimes it’s so hard it makes ditch digging seem like fun. For two years Jill said, “I love you” and Randy, her boyfriend, said “thank you.” It took the threat of another man to choke out those three little words. It took her threat to move out of town to get him to propose. But that was 14 years ago and now Jill swears Randy says “I love you” every single day.

Well.

I absolutely agree with the ‘so hard it can make ditch digging seem fun.’ I just hate the example the author made. Threats do not typically make a great basis for a long term relationship. I agree that sometimes a crossroads moment clarifies feelings … but threats are bad when it comes to love.

Myth 3: dating is fun.

If you are 16 and a Brad Pitt look-a-like takes you to the prom, it’s fun. But somewhere into the second or third decade of dating it can get old. The feeling is best summed up by the woman who told us, “I have spent so many Saturday nights sitting in some restaurant looking across the table thinking ‘I wish I were at home watching Love Boat’.”

Well.

Dating sucks. So did Love Boat. There is a happy medium. Good dates are great. Bad dates are whatever the opposite of great is. But you know what? You gotta find the fun in it because you gotta do the dating to actually get to the next phase <I believe that would be called ‘love’ in some circles>.

Myth 4: stick to your own kind

There’s nothing cupid loves more than a good laugh. That’s why he introduced Alex and Sue. She is a big city girl; he’s a small town boy. She reads romance novels and he reads computer magazines. They don’t even sleep the same way. She likes to burrow in and he likes the sheets loose.

How does their marriage work? Great.

Well.

I agree. For every ‘two peas in a pod’ great love example I can find a ‘live on different planets’ great love example. I imagine the real point here is that despite what Cosmopolitan may advise … there is no formula.

Myth 5: don’t play games; they don’t work

Oops. Apparently some do. A correspondent named Victoria explained why: “some people need drama in romance and drama is built on conflict. If you’re nice all the time, you’re predictable and that’s boring. It’s okay to do something nasty once in a while. In fact it’s necessary.”

That’s her advice, mind you, not mine. Just sharing advice not giving it.

Well.

This may be the crappiest romance advice I have ever seen. Drama? Ok. Some conflict? Sure. Be nice all the time? No human actually can be. Predictable? Maybe the most overlooked great quality in a relationship. It is not boring … it provides some steady to what can be an emotional earthquake of worry if it isn’t there. Doing something nasty every once in awhile? Oh my. Now that is some good input <not>.

Myth 6: if there’s no chemistry, forget it.

Some relationships actually do start with a sizzle. Mallory and Ted blossomed over a checkbook.

They were friends. Neither of them expected to fall in love. Both got tired of paying rent and realized neither could afford a house on their own. They decided to move in together … split a mortgage … oh, and while they were at it, get married.

Year one was fine. They had a house and a dual income. But something funny happened in the second or third year of marriage. They fell in love.

Well.

Chemistry is a funny thing <with feelings not in the classroom>. There are so many frickin’ ingredients to mix up that I think part of chemistry is simply discerning which ingredients belong in the relationship test tube to make it work. If you put the wrong ingredients in <the ones that are inconsequential but steal the necessary molecules from the consequential ingredients> the test tube breaks or simply doesn’t create the desired formula. Ok. Now that I have flogged that metaphor to death … the only thing I would really change is “at first” … if there is no chemistry at first, don’t panic … sometimes chemistry takes a whole semester to solve.

Myth 7: guys have got it made.

You’ve seen the statistics. You’re tired of statistics. Were smack in the middle of the Great American Male Shortage. Which means that any man who is presentable and self-supporting has it made. Oops. But somehow it just doesn’t work that way.

Take William. He’s young, single and has a good job. You’d think the only thing on his mind would be whether to get racing stripes on his new car. But You would be wrong. From the minute the date starts he worries about how it is going to end. Should he kiss her? Should he say he’ll call if he knows he won’t?

And if a woman asks him in should he sit on the couch? On the chair? How long should he stay?

All the statistics in the world do not make it easier … on anyone <male or female>.

Well.

I am a guy. And I imagine I am a statistic. And I can clearly say I do not have it made. I don’t worry like the bonehead outlined in the example <he is a frickin’ freak who SHOULD remain single for the rest of his life> but dating and relationships and all that stuff is not simple … for women or men. No one has it made <or easy>. Well. That is until you actually latch on to ‘the one’ … then you fall into the ‘have it made’ category.

Myth 8: “all I want is a nice guy.”

This may be the biggest myth of all. Every woman says she wants a nice guy. No one really does. Over and over again the nice guys tell us “I got dumped for a jerk.”

Kevin is a nice guy. “a handsome, loving and sensitive person with a bright future.” Three times he has been in love … and three times he has been dumped. Once he was dumped for a tattoo artist. Once he was dumped for a drug addict. Most recently he was dumped for a young unemployed guy. He wonders if all women are crazy or just the ones he runs into.

Well.

First. I would suggest to Kevin that he may be a nice guy but he is crappy at selecting women to date.

Second. All women want a nice guy <at his core>. That doesn’t mean they want a spineless jelly fish who does everything he is told to do <even clean the toilets> but they wish for some balance. A manly man with some intelligence and niceness and respect and some individuality <even if it has some not so nice characteristics>. Basically? Women want it all. Oh. A funny thing? So do men.

Myth 9: there is no such thing as a good blind date.

Well. Sometimes they work like magic. There was Eloise. She opened her door to a man dressed in a blue stocking cap, black slacks, white shirt, brown sweater and red polyester jacket. He was short and substantially overweight. Not a great start. Yet … as the evening wore on Eloise found him to be honest, fun, smart, warm and easy to be with. In a word … wonderful. She said yes to a second date and, when he asked her to marry him … she said yes <again>.

Well.

Having been on numerous blind dates and even had a couple friend set up a blind date program for me to set me up over a 13 week period I can safely say that there is such a thing as a good blind date. As with anything you do blindly … there is good and bad. The bad may seem badder because being blind means you aren’t prepared … but the good is gooder because you are surprised. I wouldn’t suggest the 13 week program but I do believe blind dates can be a fun supplement to your everyday life.

Myth 10: when you’re ready, it’ll happen.

Unfortunately, no. There are thousands of ready men and women out there. In fact … men and women who have been ready for a while … if not years. But there is an upside to the myth as well. It may not happen when you are ready, but it will happen. It will take its own sweet time but it will happen.

Well.

They are correct … no. In fact … I would be tempted to suggest that it is a rarity in Life, in general, on anything … that when you are ready it will happen … given that thought … why would anyone think love would be any different? But. I do agree. If it is what you want … even though Life is relatively indifferent to the fate of your love life … and cupid has a warped sense of humor … if you care it will happen.

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”Ralph Waldo Emerson

So. I have dated several amazing women and not dumped them (or been dumped) before Christmas (to avoid giving a gift) or Valentine’s Day (for fear of commitment).

And in that moment, on that day, for that special someone, while I may have given gifts or tried to make the day a little more special I would envision these words would encapsulate the truly special relationships with those very few women I have ever said “I love you” to.

Therefore Valentine’s Day plays an important role in a “stimulus-response” type model for men.

The day is a valuable stimulus to stop us from thinking solely with our dumb stick and with some random portion of our brain that isn’t being used for sports, work, alcohol, oogling <not ogling … there is a difference>, mindless daydreaming or sleeping.

Below you will see a diagram that outlines how we think without Valentine’s day and then with Valentine’s day.

(click on the image for a larger, somewhat more legible version)

As you see.

Valentine’s Day is not something created by Hallmark.

Nor is it stupid.

It is an important event with a use benefiting men <kind of like the Super Bowl and March Madness but not as important>.

Strategically Valentine’s Day makes sense to the existence of men <and possibly romance but in a non linear way>.