The random ramblings of a crazy girl. Fall down the rabbit hole with me.

June Challenge Day 4

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down on thing that you need to forgive yourself for and then forgive yourself: It’s kind of funny. As I sit here I’m going through the Rolodex of mistakes that I’ve made in my life and there’s a lot of things that I need to forgive myself for. I’m weighing each one to see which has had the most effect on me and which I still think about a lot. Have I hurt someone else from my actions? Have I hurt myself by my actions? Has something stuck with me and maybe changed me in a bad way?

I think the one that I’m going to choose today is my ex, Stephen. He and I dated for three years and he’d fallen in love but I didn’t. He’d asked me to marry him and I’d said no but I’d always been honest with him about my feelings. I’d always thought we were just having fun. After a long breakup which lasted way past THE friend and I becoming friends again he’d tried to get back together a lot. He’d moved a couple times, started a business and went on a family vacation to Spain. One he’d asked me to go on after quite some times of trying to be just friends. While he was away he’d died in a car accident. I’d received a call from him Mom telling me the news.

I’d felt guilty for a long time because there was a great man who’d offered me everything I could need but it was nothing that I wanted, from him. There’s was so much that I felt like I never really wanted from a relationship and it wouldn’t be for years passed that I realized I did with someone else. So, I forgive myself for not loving him back and realize that it’s was all out of my control.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What food are you most grateful for? That’s a touch one. I’d probably say steak but I’m not sure. THE friends pancakes might actually make that list of top five now. But also on that list is the steamed artichoke from a local restaurant that my BFF always go to eat at. We have literally driven 30 miles out of our way just to go have the artichoke, a drink and then to a concert.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Who or what can’t you life without and why? My BFF for sure. She’s gotten me through almost every bad thing that’s happened in my life since we met and I hope that I’ve returned that favor as well. We’ve seen each other through boyfriends, breakups, drug addictions, medical problems and we are each others first priority but last resort. She might just be the one person in my life that I can always count on.

I had an amazing dog once that I thought I couldn’t live without. I’d always grown up around big dogs but I didn’t think it’d be fair to have a large dog in an apartment so I went with my old boss to get a dog for her and this little runt chihuahua kept follow me around. I’d always rolled my eyes at those tiny little things assuming they looked like rats and I had no desire to be like any socialite that carried her dog anywhere but he’d just wouldn’t stop following me.

Fast forward an hour and there I am driving back home with him little 3 lb self sitting next to me in my car. I’d named him Cosmo after the drink and instantly fell in love with this little guy. From the moment I’d brought him home though he was proving to be the runt of the litter. He was born with heart issues, eye problems and a luxated patella, in layman’s terms a trick knee. I’d spent thousands of dollars on him and he just kept ticking away.

He was amazing. He’d come to work with me. He’d travel to all the family gatherings and everyone loved him because even grown up he was only 5lbs but he acted like a big dog. He’s sense danger and walk his tiny little body in front of mine and woof like a big dog. He hated whistles, loved pupperoni and tolerated me putting sweaters on him because he was always cold.

After a great nine years I came home and he was going into heart failure. I drove to the emergency clinic and they rushed him in, even with a long line of people, so I knew it was serious. After a moment they took me into their “back room”. That was probably the worst I’ve ever cried. I’d made the decision to put him down without anyone there. It would be days before I’d even tell my BFF or my family that he’d died. My boss didn’t find out until almost six months later.

That’s just one of the many things in my life that I chose to handle emotionally by myself. But after that I realized that people and pets always leave. Some out of choice and some out of death. But after a while I knew that I would be ok without him. Maybe I should act as though I can’t live without more people in my life but history always repeats itself so I try NOT to get too close to anything. Maybe I should forgive myself for that? Maybe I should learn to let someone in. Maybe that should be a challenge I put myself up to.

So this became an emotional post out of accident and I didn’t even get to talk about my day. I hope you are all having a great weekend though. Learn from my mistakes. Tell someone that you’re close to that you love them, and maybe that they make your life better. It might be just what they need to hear today.