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The journey after the journey!

Hello everybody! I decided to try another fic, as the other one hadn't really been motivating me lately. This one is a little different, though still a trainer fic.
After a couple of chapters, there will be a new region, made up by me so I hope everyone likes it!
I also want to thank Psychic, for helping me with the script format since it's the first time I try a script fic.
Last but not least, this fic is about Ash's Hoenn Rival, Tyson.
PG rated, for harsh language (in future chapters)

Narrator: As the Hoenn League came to an end, the world witnessed a tall and skinny trainer, with brown spiky hair lift the trophy. His name is Tyson. He got on a ship to Slateport City in sunny day. He got on the ship with his partner, a Meowth that wore boots and a hat, and just left. To where, however?

Tyson (standing at the stern of the ship, with his loyal Meowth next to him): Well Meowth, this is the first time we won the league. (Tyson looks at Meowth, and the latter looks at his owner, and they both start smiling).

Meowth (smirking): Me-owth!

Tyson: You know, the moment you used Iron Tail on that Magmar in the finals… My heart… it skipped a beat. I was so happy and proud of you buddy. I still am.

Tyson (looks up, gazes at the shining stars): We’ve been on this ship for some hours now, shall we head inside? It’s getting late now…

Meowth (shakes his head): Meowth, Meowth.

Tyson (looks down to Meowth, with a calm expression): Ah I see… You want to breathe some fresh air huh Meowth? This does feel good though. The gentle, fresh breeze blowing in our faces… The water looks amazing too… Look, you can even see the reflex of the moon and the stars on the sea…

Meowth (nods and smiles): Meowth…

Tyson (looking to the sea): I must say though. The battle that really marked me was against Ash. Man, was he good! When I saw Pikachu had been defeated, I sort of felt bad for Ash. Then, however, the smile on his face... the look in his eyes... He was so proud of Pikachu. It made me happy, and I think it made Ash a stronger trainer.Ash (leans down and grabs Pikachu): Hey pal, are you okay?

Pikachu (smiling): Pika pi.

Ash: You were great Pikachu. You gave it everything you had.

Pikachu (with a weak voice): Pikachu…

Tyson (walks up to Ash): Hey, thanks a lot Ash! That was an awesome battle!

(Tyson stretches his arm, to shake Ash’s hands.)

Ash: No, I’m the one who should be thanking you.

(Ash stretches his arm, shaking hands with Tyson.)
Tyson (looks down to Meowth, and excitingly, puts his arm up): Meowth, let’s give it our best! From now on, let’s travel that extra mile! What do you say?!

Meowth (follows Tyson’s gesture): MEOWTH!

(Tyson and Meowth head inside to their small room and they take a nap.)

Captain (announcing on the microphone): We will soon embark in Slateport City.

Tyson (stretches his arms and yawns): Ah, finally! Meowth, wake up pal. It’s time to go.

Meowth (sits on the side of the bed, scratching his eyes): Meowth?

Tyson: Yeah silly. It’s time to go to Slateport City! We’re almost home.

(Tyson grabs his bag, and leaves the room with Meowth. They head outside and walk to the bow. They are still surrounded by darkness, where the only light available comes from the stars. After a couple of minutes, the ship embarks in the blue, big harbor.There was another big, white and red ship with the initials S.S.T on it. Tyson and Meowth leave, looking around.)

Tyson (still looking around): Now, where could he be? I told grandpa to be here around this time… Oh wait, there he is! Hahaha!

(Tyson points at an old, chubby man, with a big smile on his face. He runs to his grandpa, while Meowth follows him.)

Wattson (laughing very loud): Hey there kid! Hahaha!

Tyson (smiling): Hey grandpa! It’s been a while!

Wattson: It sure has! I saw how you won the Hoenn League! Very impressive, I must say! Your Pokemon were amazing! Hahahaha!

Tyson (scratching the back of his head): Thanks! My Pokemon were truly amazing!

Meowth (sharpening his nails, and nodding at the same time): Me-owth.

Wattson (looks down): Oh! And there’s the star of the show! The Meowth in boots, or as I like to call him, the Puss in Boots! Your battle skills were outstanding!(Meowth jumps up and scratches Wattson’s face)

Tyson: Yeah, never call him that. He hates it… My face felt terrible for the first weeks that I owned Meowth… (Tyson starts laughing, and Meowth starts smiling)

Wattson: Well, shall we go then? Ever since you left, I and a couple of others that worked on New Mauville built lifts from here to Mauville, to make access easier for those who don’t own bikes. You can go from Mauville to Slateport quickly and easily now!

(They all walk out. They walk past the big Pokemon Center, the ancient museum, the normally busy market, until they get to the beach, where the waves hit the shore hard. Since it’s still night, there’s only a few people. All are heading to the lifts.)

Tyson (with an amazed expression on his face): Woah! You guys built this when I was out?

Wattson (laughing in a proud way): Hahaha, yes we did! It didn’t even take us very long!

Tyson: Well, good job. It’s huge!

Wattson: Yep! And look, we’re also building some from here to Dewford, to make access easier again, of course.

Tyson (with his eyes and mouth wide opened): Awesome! Let’s go then.

(They go through the big sliding doors, walk to the brown counter and get some tickets. They then sit on their lift seats. Each cabin is colored with a very light blue, and has big windows so everyone can see the view.)

Wattson: Oh, that’s the Trick House! The owner has added a bunch of trick rooms since you left.”

Tyson: Oh, I see… Good to see that Hoenn is developing.

(The lifts arrive in Mauville City, behind the Pokemon Center. Tyson, Meowth and Wattson leave the building, and head home.)

Tyson (looking at his house. It’s a big yellow house, with a garden. Murkrow could be heard on the trees around it): Ah, home sweet home. It seems like nothing has changed here.

Wattson: Nope. Well, I’m gonna leave you guys alone, so you can rest. Good bye Tyson! Meowth!(Wattson leaves to his house, while Tyson and Meowth enter the house)

Tyson (walks up to his room with Meowth): Well, here’s my room. There’s the desk where I used to study before I went on my journey. Here’s the bed… and here’s your bed. (Tyson looks at Meowth and smiles)

(He grabs a blanket and a basket, and puts it together on the floor, next to his bed. There is also a desk with a computer on it. There are even a lot of books about Pokemon on the desk.)

Tyson (smiling): There, you can sleep here.

Meowth (lies down under the blanket): Meowth…

Tyson (lies down on his bed, turns off the lights): Well… good night Meowth, it’s been a long day.

(The next morning, Tyson wakes up to the sound of the doorbell.)

Triiimmmm

Tyson (gets up): Oahh… I’m coming! I’m coming!

(Tyson goes down the stairs and heads to his door, while the bell is still ringing. He then opens the door.)

Mailman: Hey there Tyson! Good work at the league!

Tyson (embarrassed): Oh thanks! Haha.

Mailman (gives Tyson a letter): Well, here’s your mail!

Tyson (closing the door): Thanks!

(Tyson goes to the living room, puts the letter on the table, and sits on the couch.)

Tyson (puts his hands on his head): Ah… I wonder… what should I do now?

(Meowth comes down the stairs, and sits next to Tyson.)

Tyson (patting Meowth’s back): Hey there Meowth. How are you?

Meowth (grins): Meowth...

Tyson (looks up): Hey Meowth. I still have the trophy in my bag; let’s take a look at it.

(Tyson takes the Hoenn League trophy and sets it on the table.)

Tyson: Hm… So many good memories… What now though?

Meowth (looks up as well): Me…owth…

Tyson: Hm… well, let’s see what the letter says…

(Tyson opens the letter, and starts reading.)

"Dear Tyson,

We saw how you won the Hoenn League. How you battled with all you had.

The bond between you and your Pokemon is superb! Meet us in Sootopolis City, at 10 pm tomorrow.

Sincerely, the Elite 4 Committee"

Tyson: Hey Meowth, wait a bit here.

Meowth (nods): Meowth.

(Tyson stands up, grabs the trophy and goes upstairs, to his room. He puts the trophy right next to his Pokemon books.)

Tyson (looks at the trophy one last time and smiles): Hmm…

(Tyson heads downstairs again, goes next to the couch and looks at Meowth.)

Tyson (with a huge smile on his face, while his heart beat is quicker than normal): Well Meowth, I know what we’re doing next.

Narrator: Meowth stands up, and both him and his master have a new look on their faces. They look happy, excited. They have a new journey.

Wallace (smoking): Hey there kiddo! Come join the party! We have enough cigars for you and your Pokemon!

Tyson (scared): Woah, what the -?

Wallace (interrupts Tyson): Calm down kid! Kids can see this fic, so calm down with your language!

Tyson (whispers slowly and still scared): Sorry…

(Tyson and Meowth shake their heads.)

Tyson (quickly stands up and looks at Meowth): Ok, you know what? Let’s just leave to Sootopolis City, whatever happens can’t be as bad as that…

(Tyson and Meowth leave their home.)

Tyson (puts his hand over his eyes so the sun doesn’t hurt his eyes): Woah, it’s a beautiful day! (He looks to the left and to the right.) We’re surrounded by nature. If you listen closely, you can hear the Taillow and Swellow.

(Tyson puts his hand around his ear to hear better, and sure enough, there were Taillows singing.)

(Meowth grabs Tyson’s clothes and pulls him forward.)

Tyson (laughing): Hahaha, you’re right, we should continue.

(Tyson and Meowth walk through the city. The famous bike shop and the electric gym, until they finally arrive to the lifts building.)

Tyson (looking up to the blue building that hosted the lifts): I still am amazed by this. How an old man gets so much energy, I don’t know. It’s fascinating though…

(They walk in, buy a ticket and enter their cabin.)

Tyson (looking at the view): Hey Meowth, come take a look at this!

Meowth (gasping): Meowth…

(Tyson looks at Meowth, with a worried look.)

Tyson (gets Meowth’s Pokeball): Hey Meowth, you’ve been out of your ball for too long. You should get more rest pal.

Meowth (agreeing with Tyson): Meowth.

(Tyson recalls Meowth, and stands still on his sit for the short amount of time that it took for the lift to get to Slateport City. As Tyson walks, he can’t stop thinking about the invitation from the Elite 4 Committee, and starts imagining what could happen if he lost a battle against any of them.)

Tyson (goes down on his knees, hugging his Meowth): Oh no… I lost…

Elite 4 member #1: How did you even win the league?

Elite 4 member #2: You’ll never get far as a Pokemon trainer…

Elite 4 member #3: You should just give up on being a trainer…

Elite 4 member #4: Absolute. Waste. Of. My. Time.

Wallace: And now… as we agreed… hand over your Pokemon.

Tyson: No! C’mon, don’t worry Tyson, nothing bad will happen…

(Tyson finally arrives in the Harbor and buys a ticket quickly to Sootopolis City. He checks the schedule and realizes the yellow ship with the initials J.A.H (Journeys Around Hoenn) will leave in 5 minutes. Tyson hurries to the ship, and makes it in time. As he enters, he notices the graciosity of the ship. It had ancient flower patterns painted on the yellow of the walls; the floor was an orangey brown, but it still had that feeling of old age.)

Tyson (sighs): Ok, really, what could the Elite 4 want? Are they going to be serious or chilled? Nice or rude? Ahh… What I need is some food now…

(Tyson heads to the ship’s restaurant. Its specialty is shellfish. Tyson sits down at the counter, and asks for a plate of shrimp and a bowl of oyster.)

Tyson (with his mouth full of shrimp): Ah, best shrimp ever! (Tyson keeps munching the food) This trip has already been worth it!!

(After Tyson finished eating, he went to the top floor of the ship, and found a battle field for training. It had a small pool in the middle for water types, and big rocks spread out on the field.)

Tyson (in front of his Pokemon): Ok guys, chances are we will be fighting the strongest trainers in Hoenn tomorrow. So if we’re gonna be stuck in this ship for some hours, we might as well do some battling!

(All his Pokemon throw their fists up, and their voices are louder than usual.)

Tyson (turns around to look for other Pokemon trainers): Does anyone want to have a Pokemon battle?

(One trainer turns around and stands up. He is blonde, tall and very muscular.)

(Donphan starts rolling quickly towards Marshtomp, who has no reaction and ends up being hit hard.)

Terry: Oh no! Marshtomp, use Aqua Tail!

(Donphan keeps rolling, faster and faster. Marshtomp runs to Donphan with his tail surrounded by rings made of water; however Donphan is way stronger, and ends up knocking Marshtomp to the sea.)

Terry (recalls Marshtomp): Ugh… Go, Camerupt!

Tyson (recalls Donphan, and calls another Pokemon): It’s time to shine, Hariyama!

(Hariyama starts punching his fist, and looks at Camerupt with an aggressive look.)

Terry: Camerupt, don’t let him intimidate you! Use Lava Plume!

Tyson (smirks): Use Arm Thrust on the fire!

Hariyama (loudly): Hari!!

(Hariyama throws his arms in front of him, and quickly stops the fire with a thrusting motion.)

Tyson: Now, finish this up. Brick Break!

Terry (with his eyes and mouth wide open, and a scared voice): No! Camerupt, use Earthquake!

(Camerupt looks back and shakes his heads, scared.)

Tyson (laughing): Haha, we’re in a ship Terry. You can’t use that here…

(Hariyama jumped up, and hit Camerupt’s face, knocking it out.)

Tyson (smiling): Good job Hariyama! Come rest.

Terry (recalls Camerupt): Ok… it’s not over yet. Go, Shuppet!

Tyson (pulls out his Pokeball): Ok, go Metagross!

Terry (astonished): A Metagross?! Ok, Shuppet try your Shadow Ball!

(Shuppet unleashes its shadow ball attack, whilst Metagross stands still and takes the hit. No damage was dealt.)

Tyson (laughs quietly): Hm…Metagross use Psychic…

(A powerful Psychic attack goes into the air, where Shuppet is automatically defeated.)

Tyson (smiling): Return Metagross. You were great.

Terry (on his knees, crying): No! You were good Shuppet, come back…

(Tyson walks to Terry and shakes his hand, smiling.)

Terry (with one eye closed): Man, you are amazing!

Tyson (scratching the back of his head): Thanks Terry! Your Pokemon are strong too! I guess I should have told you… I won the Hoenn League recently… I just didn't want to put any pressure on you...

Terry (laughing): I thought I recognized you! Man, it was an honor to battle you!

Tyson (his cheeks are red ): Thanks! I couldn’t have done it without my Pokemon.

Terry (looks at Tyson’s Pokemon): That’s a strong team you got there! This was great training!

(Terry looks at his watch.)

Terry: Oh! I gotta go; I’m late for my daily work out!

(Terry leaves running really fast, which literally lifts up a cloud of smoke.)

Tyson (sighs): Ah… I’m tired, let’s go rest to our room.

(Tyson recalls all his Pokemon and heads to his room. He then takes a nap.)

Captain (on the microphone): We will embark in Sootopolis City in less than 10 minutes.

(Tyson wakes up, quickly puts his bag around his shoulder and runs out. He can already see the huge fountains of Sootopolis City. The small white houses, the crowd gathered around the water show; the majestic water gym, where water Pokemon can be seen jumping high in water gun attacks.)

Tyson (the shining water reflects on his eyes): Wow… Sootopolis City!

(Tyson quickly leaves the ship, and checks the time.)

Tyson: 19:45… Hm, I still have time. Oh I know!

(Tyson takes out his Hoenn Booklet and flips to the food section. It is decorated with bagels, noodles and burgers around the pages. Tyson goes to the Sootopolis section, and flips through the pages, trying to find the best restaurant.)

Tyson (flipping through the pages, concentrated on the booklet only): Hm, not this one. Ah, this one I’ve been to. Hm… Oh, this one looks good! Their specialty is salmon, awesome!

(Tyson closes the Booklet, and walks through the sunny water city. Through all the big, blue fountains and through the grey water museum, that had pillars at the entrance. He eventually gets to the restaurant, where he has a nice dinner with his Meowth.)

Tyson (with a surprisingly inflated belly): Ah, I’m so full! I could go for another plate of salmon and potatoes though.

Meowth (stretching): Me-owth!

Tyson (takes out the letter): Ah ok. So, it says to meet them in Sootopolis City… where, though? This is gonna be hard.

(Then, a mysterious man shows up. His face is covered in a mask, and he has a beige long jacket, going all the way down to his feet. He had an 4H symbol on his hand, where an arrow was at the end of the 4.)

Mysterious Man (with a low voice): Tyson, come with me.

Tyson (looks at Meowth): Hm… Well, that was easy.

Meowth (with a suspicious face and his eyes semi-closed): Meowth…

(The Mysterious Man walks for a bit, and then he climbs a building. Tyson follows him, climbing successfully. Once on top of the big brown building, the Mysterious Man takes out his watch and whispers something.)

Mysterious Man (with his head close to his watch): Agent here. Ready to go.

(Tyson and Meowth have a suspicious look on their faces, when suddenly they’re all sucked in up, to an invisible air ship.)

Tyson (looks around, but can’t see anything as he is involved in darkness): What the –

Narrator (interrupting Tyson): Dude, seriously. Enough with the “What the”, it can be seriously controversial. This fic is PG, so chill man.

Tyson (whispering): Sorry…

Meowth (shakes his head and sighs): Me…owth…

Mysterious Man: Welcome Tyson. We are the Elite 4 Committee.

(The lights turn on, and Tyson and Meowth step back, scared and with their fists ready to fight if needed.)

Would put “Chapter 1” instead of this because it sounds more professional to me. Or give a name to your chapter.

Narrator: After the Hoenn League came to an end, and the world witnessed a tall and skinny trainer, with brown spiky hair lift the trophy, he left. His name is Tyson. He got on a ship to Slateport City in sunny day. He got on the ship with his partner, a Meowth that wore boots and a hat, and just left. To where, however?

Would remove the first “he left”. It doesn’t make sense in the sentence it’s in and you repeat it in the next two sentences in a way that makes much more sense.

Tyson: You know, the moment you used Iron Tail on that Magmar in the finals… My heart… it skipped a beat. I was so happy and proud of you buddy. I still am.

I think it’s cute that you added a moment in like this. It adds life to your characters and what is happening to them.

Then, however, the smile on his face; the look in his eyes; He was so proud of Pikachu. It made me happy, and I think it made Ash a stronger trainer.

Tyson seems to talk quite like… a romantic. I don’t know if he’s like that in the anime (I wouldn’t be surprised if he was), but you do a good job at keeping that consistent and showing that through dialogue, which is important in a script, because dialogue is pretty much all you’ve got.

Now, here, you misuse the semi-colon. The semi-colon should be used in a sentence where two things are being compared; you don’t want to use it on a sentence that could be better punctuated. See what I did there? I just compared the two parts of the sentence, first by saying when it should be used, and then when it should not be used.

Your current sentence would look better like this:

“Then, however, the smile on his face… the look in his eyes… He was so proud of Pikachu.”

The ellipses add a hint of romanticism that you’ve shown Tyson to have thus far. It’s like he’s pausing to remember the moment as he’s saying it. Hope that makes sense.

Ash (leans down and grabs Pikachu): Hey pal, are you okay?

Pikachu (smiling): Pika pi.

Ash: You were great Pikachu. You gave it everything you had.

Pikachu (with a weak voice): Pikachu…

Tyson (walks up to Ash): Hey, thanks a lot Ash! That was an awesome battle!

(Tyson stretches his arm, to shake Ash’s hands)

Ash: No, I’m the one who should be thanking you.

(Ash stretches his arm, shaking hands with Tyson)

This part seems like it was thrown in there unnecessarily. Personally I would remove it entirely and add a section in the first part where Tyson REMEMBERS thanking Ash for the battle, right after remembering how he was proud of Pikachu.

Tyson (looks down to Meowth, and excitingly, puts his arm up): Meowth, let’s give it our best! From now on, let’s travel that extra mile! What do you say?!

Meowth (follows Tyson’s gesture): MEOWTH!

(Tyson and Meowth head inside to their small room and they take a nap.)

Yes, I’d love to take a nap to start that extra mile.

[quote] (Tyson grabs his bag, and leaves the room with Meowth. They head outside and walk to the bow. They are still surrounded by darkness, where the only light available comes from the stars. After a couple of minutes, the ship embarks in the blue, big harbor.There was another big, white and red ship with the initials S.S.T on it. Tyson and Meowth leave, looking around)/quote]

Forgot a period after “looking around”. You do this a few times during your narration so I’d go back and look to fix them.

Wattson (looks down): Oh! And there’s the star of the show! The Meowth in boots, or as I like to call him, the Puss in Boots! Your battle skills were outstanding!(Meowth jumps up and scratches Wattson’s face)

Tyson: Yeah, never call him that. He hates it… My face felt terrible for the first weeks that I owned Meowth… (Tyson starts laughing, and Meowth starts smiling)

I’d removed “showing a very impressed expression”. It seems redundant, as the “eyes and mouth wide opened” seems to speak that for you. Also, his words do too, as he says “woah!” Clearly he’s impressed. There’s no need to repeat it.

Tyson (looks at Meowth with one eye more closed than the other, with a suspicious look): Hey Meowth… Did I forget any berry?

Meowth (with a confused look): Meowth?

Tyson (going through his black bag): Really though… I have Oran, Sitrus, Pecha, Rawst, Persim… oh no… where are the Jaboca Berries?!

Spelled “Sootopolis” wrong. A quick proofreading before releasing chapters can help with simple mistakes like these, though overall, your grammar isn’t too terrible.

Tyson (recalls Donphan, and calls another Pokemon): It’s time to shine, Hariyama!

Not sure why he recalled Donphan when Donphan has a clear advantage over the Camerupt.

Terry (with his eyes and mouth wide open, and a scared voice): No! Camerupt, use Eartquake!

Should be “Earthquake”

(Tyson walks to Terry and shakes his hand, smiling)

Terry (with one eye closed): Man, you are amazing!

Personally I would have added a lot more to the battle. It seemed like a very quick exchange of attacks that automatically knocked out the other pokémon in a matter of moments. I know that it’s like that in the games, but in real life, do you imagine it’d be the same way? What about the pokémon’s reactions to battling? What about panting and their battle cries and idiosyncrasies, which you didn’t seem to include? Add more attacks, more strategy, and more realistic features to your battles, which I know there will be more of.

Tyson (flipping through the pages, concentrated on the booklet only): Hm, not this one. Ah, this one I’ve been to. Hm… Oh, this one looks good! Their specialty is Salmon, awesome!

Not sure why “Salmon” is capitalized.

(Tyson closes the Booklet, and walks through the sunny water city. Through all the big, blue fountains and through the grey water museum, that had pillars at the entrance. He eventually got to the restaurant, where he had a nice dinner with his Meowth.)

Here you changed from present tense to past tense. It should be “He eventually gets to the restaurant, where he has a nice dinner with his Meowth.)… You have to keep all the tenses consistent. Luckily, this is the only instance where I saw this, so again, a quick proofread would help you very much.

Anyway, besides the battle, I think my biggest complaint is that you put too much narration. A script is mostly about dialogue, and unless I’m mistaken about this since I don’t know much about scripts, your dialogue should mostly speak for you. There’s no reason to put emotions into narration as long as your dialogue tells the readers how your character is feeling. From my understanding it should be that narration mostly tells action. So don’t be afraid to have an exchange with your characters without having any accompanying actions once in a while.

Otherwise it seems you’re off to a good start… I don’t usually read comedy either so I’m not sure if breaking the fourth wall (which you did twice) is very effective, but I found it generally funny. And I’ll be interested to see how the Elite 4 committee treats Tyson.

Would put “Chapter 1” instead of this because it sounds more professional to me. Or give a name to your chapter.

Shall do

Would remove the first “he left”. It doesn’t make sense in the sentence it’s in and you repeat it in the next two sentences in a way that makes much more sense.

Ok.

Tyson seems to talk quite like… a romantic. I don’t know if he’s like that in the anime (I wouldn’t be surprised if he was), but you do a good job at keeping that consistent and showing that through dialogue, which is important in a script, because dialogue is pretty much all you’ve got.

He's not exactly a romantic person, but he's very kind to his Meowth and just a simply a very calm person, though it can change. I'm not sure how to explain, but sometimes he's very calm, other times he's hyper (like when he's eating).

Now, here, you misuse the semi-colon. The semi-colon should be used in a sentence where two things are being compared; you don’t want to use it on a sentence that could be better punctuated. See what I did there? I just compared the two parts of the sentence, first by saying when it should be used, and then when it should not be used.

Your current sentence would look better like this:

“Then, however, the smile on his face… the look in his eyes… He was so proud of Pikachu.”

The ellipses add a hint of romanticism that you’ve shown Tyson to have thus far. It’s like he’s pausing to remember the moment as he’s saying it. Hope that makes sense.

Thank you, I didn't know that.

This part seems like it was thrown in there unnecessarily. Personally I would remove it entirely and add a section in the first part where Tyson REMEMBERS thanking Ash for the battle, right after remembering how he was proud of Pikachu.

It was a flashback to when he beat Ash. I will consider doing what you said in future chapters when I want to add a flashback though

Yes, I’d love to take a nap to start that extra mile.

lol it's cuz it's night xD

Forgot a period after “looking around”. You do this a few times during your narration so I’d go back and look to fix them.

Oh thanks, I will go back to it!

Another cute moment that brings your characters to life.

I’d removed “showing a very impressed expression”. It seems redundant, as the “eyes and mouth wide opened” seems to speak that for you. Also, his words do too, as he says “woah!” Clearly he’s impressed. There’s no need to repeat it.

Thanks, I wasn't sure if it was very clear, so I added that just in case. I did that a few times, but thank you

I’m not sure why wondering where the Jaboca berries are warrants an attack to the face? Maybe I’m missing something here. Is this Meowth’s way of keeping his trainer in line?

I added it because I thought it was funny. All the other berries are used a lot, while Jaboca berries aren't really known :P I even had to go on serebii to check it haha

LOL, I always imagined Wallace to be very conceited and loud like this, so you just showed him perfectly here and got a laugh out of me.

Glad you liked it xD

I guess that’s what happens when you’re an electric-type trainer.

Hadn't thought of that xD

I liked this touch of description… It really contrasts with Tyson’s youth. It shows the comparison between the Elite 4’s experience and Tyson’s youth. Good job.Though I think “orangy” should be “orangey”.

Thank you. On my first fic I didn't describe the things very well so this time I tried harder with the description. Ok, will change it.

Spelled “Sootopolis” wrong. A quick proofreading before releasing chapters can help with simple mistakes like these, though overall, your grammar isn’t too terrible.

Oh. I did proofread but I guess I missed that. Haha thanks xD I think my english is good enough for someone that's only ben speaking english at school (international school) for 3 years

Not sure why he recalled Donphan when Donphan has a clear advantage over the Camerupt.

I just wanted different Pokemon for each match up

Should be “Earthquake”

*sigh* damnit xD

Personally I would have added a lot more to the battle. It seemed like a very quick exchange of attacks that automatically knocked out the other pokémon in a matter of moments. I know that it’s like that in the games, but in real life, do you imagine it’d be the same way? What about the pokémon’s reactions to battling? What about panting and their battle cries and idiosyncrasies, which you didn’t seem to include? Add more attacks, more strategy, and more realistic features to your battles, which I know there will be more of.

I agree with this. I tried making the battle fairly short because it was an easy win for Tyson since he won the league and the other guy had 4 badges only, but I really should have added more... I will definitely do better battles after this.

Not sure why “Salmon” is capitalized.

Oh ok. I thought it could be capitalized since it's like, the main feature, but I get your point.

Here you changed from present tense to past tense. It should be “He eventually gets to the restaurant, where he has a nice dinner with his Meowth.)… You have to keep all the tenses consistent. Luckily, this is the only instance where I saw this, so again, a quick proofread would help you very much.

Ah thanks! I suffered with this when I was writing, as I changed pretty often but managed to find the mistakes.

Anyway, besides the battle, I think my biggest complaint is that you put too much narration. A script is mostly about dialogue, and unless I’m mistaken about this since I don’t know much about scripts, your dialogue should mostly speak for you. There’s no reason to put emotions into narration as long as your dialogue tells the readers how your character is feeling. From my understanding it should be that narration mostly tells action. So don’t be afraid to have an exchange with your characters without having any accompanying actions once in a while.

Otherwise it seems you’re off to a good start… I don’t usually read comedy either so I’m not sure if breaking the fourth wall (which you did twice) is very effective, but I found it generally funny. And I’ll be interested to see how the Elite 4 committee treats Tyson.

Thank you. This is my first script so I am still improving, but thank you very much for your time!!

Steven (starts walking to a blue stage with pillars made out of rock): That’s me!

(Tyson and Meowth walk to the front of the stage, still looking around)

Steven: You’re probably wondering why we called you here, Tyson.

Tyson (suspicious): We?

Steven (points to his left): Meet Phoebe, the strongest ghost type expert in the Hoenn Region. She has quite the sense of humor, but you don’t want to get on her bad side, as her powerful Dusclops will have a word to say to you about that.

Steven (points to his right): And this guy. We only recruited him some years ago, and he is by far the best dark expert around. Say hello to Sidney, the biggest lover of dark types in Hoenn. Don’t ever say anything bad about them, or else Sidney will show you their true strength.

(Sidney jumps from the ceiling on top of his Absol)

Sidney (with a straight face): Hmph.

Steven (looks to the edge of the room, where one big hole is on the floor): If you like tea, you’ll certainly enjoy the lady over there. She loves the cold, but she has the warmest heart ever. Never loses her temper, and stands still like ice. Meet Glacia.

(A fountain comes from the hole, where Glacia is sitting on her Walrein)

Steven (snaps his fingers and the ceiling starts to open): Finally, the oldest member we’ve had in here. Drake, known to share the same blood as dragon types. You will never meet someone with a stronger bond than him and his Salamence.

(Drake flies from the dark shining sky, on top of a buffed Salamence)

Drake (keeps his head lowered): Hello Steven. Good to see you all, again.

Steven: And then there’s me. When I was younger, I was fascinated by all these Pokemon living in the Hoenn region. I lived in Mossdeep City before I started following my dreams. I trained all my Pokemon to be the best, and when I had the chance to become the Elite Four Committee, I thanked Wallace with my life. And together we are, the Elite Four Committee.

Tyson (looks around, amazed): Woah… So many amazing trainers!

Steven: Tyson, the reason we summoned you up here is… you know, throughout the world, there exist many evil teams that try to steal Pokemon and gain control of the world.

Tyson (with a serious look): Yes. Just like Team Rocket, right?

Steven: Exactly. How do you know of them?

Meowth (with an angry look): Meowth.

Tyson: They were disrupting the league. I and some friends got rid of them though.

Steven: Good job. I guess you’re already experienced in this, then.

Tyson (with a suspicious look on his eyes): What do you mean?

Steven: Well, you see there are several evil teams. Currently, we know of Team Rocket, Team Magma and Aqua, which disbanded, we know of some activity in Sinnoh, with the Team Galactic, and others.

Tyson (with his mouth wide opened): Woah, that actually is a lot!

Steven (smirks): Exactly. We need to test you, in case we ever come to need you in a possible war with other teams.

Tyson (grins): Hm… Test me huh?

Meowth (sharpening his nails by rubbing them on each other): Meowth…

Steven: If you look under you, you’ll be able to see a battle field.

(Tyson and Meowth both look beneath them, and see a big white circle right under them)

Steven: Yes. We want you, to battle us.

Tyson (grabs a Pokeball): Let’s roll!

Steven: Whenever you’re ready.

Tyson (looks and smiles at Meowth): I was born ready.

Steven (snaps his fingers): Sidney. You’re up.

Sidney (hops to the ground and walks to his side of the battle field): This will be fun.

Tyson (also walks to his side of the battle field): Very.

Steven (jumps down to the floor and runs to the middle line of the field): I will be the referee. Each trainer is allowed six Pokemon. Substitutions are allowed for both trainers. Let the battle… begin!

Sidney (throws a Pokeball): Go, Mightyena!

Tyson (smirks, and also throws a Pokeball to the field): Go, Hariyama!

First of all, I want to note that your descriptions are VERY good. You describe all the things that are needed: emotions, places, how people and Pokemon react to words and etc.
Also plus for creativity, since nobody before wrote a fic on what has happened ti Tyson after he won the Hoenn league.
I am happy to see, that you are dong some "Hoenn business" alongside with me But of course we look on the Hoenn region from different sides.

I liked the 3rd Chapter. It was a bit short, but entrances of Steven and the Elite 4 members were great. And you have found the right words and description for each of them.

Steven (points to his right): And this guy. We only recruited him some years ago, and he is by far the best dark expert around. Say hello to Sidney, the biggest lover of dark types in Hoenn. Don’t ever say anything bad about them, or else Sidney will show you their true strength.

(Sidney jumps from the ceiling on top of his Absol)

Sidney (with a straight face): Hmph.

Again, the description is well-done. The only note is: why Steven says that Wallace was the champion before him? In the gams, Steven was before Wallace.

next chapter plz....i'm excited for tyson's journey. Hope he has or he catches some other pokemons as well.

I'm not sure when the next chapter will be posted, as I have a big math test in a couple of days and have to study ;_;
He will catch some Pokemon later, not sure who though. Feel free to give me ideas

Originally Posted by RealRaymon

First of all, I want to note that your descriptions are VERY good. You describe all the things that are needed: emotions, places, how people and Pokemon react to words and etc.
Also plus for creativity, since nobody before wrote a fic on what has happened ti Tyson after he won the Hoenn league.
I am happy to see, that you are dong some "Hoenn business" alongside with me But of course we look on the Hoenn region from different sides.

I liked the 3rd Chapter. It was a bit short, but entrances of Steven and the Elite 4 members were great. And you have found the right words and description for each of them.

Again, the description is well-done. The only note is: why Steven says that Wallace was the champion before him? In the gams, Steven was before Wallace.

To conclude, great job! Add me to the PM list.

Thanks! Ever since I re-watched the Hoenn season I've liked Tyson and his Pokemon a lot, so I decided to stretch that a bit.
To your question: I didn't know that, actually. I haven't finished a game (for Ruby) in a very long time so I didn't know that. I just based it off Wallace being a master coordinator in the anime Added!

Steven (jumps down to the floor and runs to the middle line of the field): I will be the referee. Each trainer is allowed six Pokemon. Substitutions are allowed for both trainers. Let the battle… begin!

Sidney (throws a Pokeball): Go, Mightyena!

Tyson (smirks, and also throws a Pokeball to the field): Go, Hariyama!

Hariyama (punches his left hand with his right fist twice): Hari…yama!

(Mightyena roars loudly, and both Pokemon smirk at each other.)

Sidney (with a dead serious look): Mightyena, calm down.

Mightyena (changes posture to a serious one, with a calm face): Might.

Great chapter. I like the battle, and the way you are describing them. I can imagine all of the things that are happening.
Well, quite surprising that Meowth lost, but yay, Cacturne got revenge for Pikachu.
Found the mistake here:

Great chapter. I like the battle, and the way you are describing them. I can imagine all of the things that are happening.
Well, quite surprising that Meowth lost, but yay, Cacturne got revenge for Pikachu.
Found the mistake here:

It is spelt Thunderbolt

Edited Thanks lol
I wanted Meowth to lose because I wanted to show more of Tyson's other Pokemon

Sidney: Do you know how many times my Pokemon have had to struggle against fighting or bug types?!

Tyson (looks at Sidney): What are you so pissed about?

Sidney (looks up): My Pokemon and I worked every day to get to where we are. I remember when Absol defeated Jan's Machamp. An amazing day where I managed to prove how dark types are amazing.

Tyson: Who’s Jan?

Sidney (smiles): Jan. He was the gym leader in Dewford. Before Brawley, you know?

Tyson: What happened to him?

Sidney: After his son Brawley was born, he died in a tragic accident. He was in vacations in the Seafoam Islands.

Tyson (surprised): The Seafoam Islands?

Sidney: In Kanto. Anyways, in the Seafoam Islands every 20 years, a huge wave appears. It’s called the “Humunga Dunga”. Many years ago, Jan managed to surf along it, and planted a flag on the top of a cliff. And exactly twenty years after, he tried to do that again. Unfortunately, the wave tricked him, and he drowned.

Drake (whispering with his head down): He was a very good man. I had the chance of battling him when he was fighting for an Elite 4 committee position. He managed to beat me, but afterwards he realized he wanted to go back to his gym. To battle more trainers that felt the rush he felt in battle.

Tyson: Hm…

Sidney: He left all his goods to Brawley, who now is the gym leader.

Tyson: I remember beating him.

Sidney (looks down to Tyson, angrily): Well, doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be known as the Lord of the Wins if I hadn’t started challenging every fighting type trainer I met. And eventually beat them.

Tyson (giggles): Lord of the Wins? Well, let’s see if you prove me wrong.
Sidney: Crawdaunt, use Strenght!

Tyson: Shiftry, go with a Shadow Ball!

(Crawdaunt runs quickly towards Shiftry, but collides with a strong purple bubble and is knocked back)

Tyson (grins): Yes! Now, use Leaf Storm!

Sidney (with a serious voice): Crawdaunt, time to stand up. Use Surf to defend against Leaf Storm!

(Shiftry quickly waves his arms creating a storm made of leaves, to be eventually taken down by a gigantic wave)

Tyson: He blocked our move huh. Well then, Shiftry use Mega Kick!

Sidney: Strenght!

(Both Pokemon hit each other, and a huge cloud of dust lifts up from the battle field)

Tyson (sighs): Shiftry, are you okay?!

Sidney (standing still with his arms crossed): Hm…

(The cloud of dust disappears, and both Pokemon are standing, and both are gasping)

I really didnt enjoy this chapter much....I thought battle will heat up.but nothing happened and also battle didnt get complete. Also your gaps of posting between two chapters are big. That means,in my opinion,i got nothing interesting after waiting for a long time.looking forward to next chapter though....

I really didnt enjoy this chapter much....I thought battle will heat up.but nothing happened and also battle didnt get complete. Also your gaps of posting between two chapters are big. That means,in my opinion,i got nothing interesting after waiting for a long time.looking forward to next chapter though....

I'll try to make the next one more exciting.
Man, I've had a lot of school work lately. Believe me, 2 maths tests, 2 spanish tests, a Humanities presentation, a german poster to do... it's not easy O.o

Thanks Raymon

Well good thing is, I'm around 2/5 done with the next chapter. Should finish sometimes this weekend

This was a great chapter, and Tyson vs Sidney sure was a very good battle. I'm a bit of disappointed for Metagross not starring (Metagross is one of my favourite Pokemon, plus I consider it to be Tyson's strongest Pokemon), but oh well, at least it beat one Pokemon before going down. And since Tyson will have 3 more battles against Elite Four members (I assume he will face them all), and also against Steven if he beats them all, Metagross can still star in some match.

By the way, it seems like Donphan is one of Tyson's weakest Pokemon. It lost one off-screen battle in Hoenn League, it also lost Ash's Swellow despite using Rollout four times (it's good to keep in mind that Ash's Swellow can be a true beast, though) and now it was also a fall-guy against Sidney. It's good that Donphan is not one of my favourite Pokemon (though I still like it).

Hariyama vs Absol was also a very good final battle, and it was exciting until the end. Hariyama sure is strong. I'd even say it might be Tyson's 3rd strongest Pokemon (I think Metagross and Meowth are stronger).