Tabiness doesn't believe in the world being black and white.. For her, it's made up of greys!!! Somewhere in between, she has found the answer to balancing it all out.. Her joys, her sorrows, her questions, her answers... She writes when she feels like.. She writes bout wats close to her heart!!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

A tear rolled down her eye... She would have normally never have let a tear roll down her cheek all the way... She had never been very public about her feelings or emotions and always portrayed a strong exterior; but this time it was different... She knew it was over... It was all over... After all those years of loving him; of giving herself to him; there was nothing left now... Nothing to give, nothing to get...

All she was left with was a broken heart...

Jade had always been a strong woman... Independent, fierce, not needing or wanting a man to support her - mentally, emotionally or financially... She lived her life her way, on her own terms....

Then one fine day, when she had least expected it, he had breezed into her life... 'I have found my prince charming', she thought to herself...A year passed after another, and three years later, they broke up on the very same day that they had started seeing each other... 'We have our entire life up ahead of us... Let this be but a minor speedbump in our lives.. Lets move on, our separate ways.. But that doesn't mean we cant be friends', he had said... Well, but we all know how it works when lovers of a time try to become 'just friends'... Jade knew well that she needed her time before they could become 'just friends'... However, even before she could get used to that concept, this last call had come...

Brian: Hey woman!! Waddup...

Jade: (Blushin at the mere sound of his voice)Numuch baby.. How u doin??

Brian: Okie, lissen up... I have some major major news for u.. I know ur gonna be super duper excited when u hear....

Jade: Really!!! Watsup.. Temme temme!!!

Brian: I have started seein someone.. Oh! She's as lovely as can be.. She is gorgeous, man... I am in total awe of the way she carries herself.. I wonder what she sees in a freak like me... I look like such a monkey in front of her!!! U have to meet her.. I have told her everything bout u.. She wants to meet u too....

Jade: (Tryin to force back her tears...Gulpin) Ohhhh.. ummmmm.. that sounds great... Am so happy for you baby...

Brian: I knew you would be happy for me.. Oh girl.. I love you for being you...

Jade: I...I.... I love you too...

She really did mean it.. She still was very much in love with the man.. But alas.. He didn't get it.. And in reality, why did he need to.. They had broken up, hadn't they? He had all the rights to move on...

A tear rolled down her eye... She would have normally never have let a tear roll down her cheek all the way... She had never been very public about her feelings or emotions and always portrayed a strong exterior; but this time it was different... She knew it was over... It was all over... After all those years of loving him; of giving herself to him; there was nothing left now... Nothing to give, nothing to get...

With her heavy heart she moved on in life.. Well, she still couldn't get herself to date anyone else.. Well she couldn't until she met Samuel...

Samuel was well spoken, was a catholic too.. Well, her parents would love him for sure.. He had a home to himself, had a stable job and was crazy about Jade... She was very fond of him too... They connected pretty well.. Finally she felt like she belonged somewhere...

Samuel and Jade started seeing each other.. She enjoyed spending time with the man.. She would cook for him, they would enjoy movies together, long drives, the works...

On one such long drive, they drove out n beyond the town, well almost into the countryside... Jade hadn't felt so rejuvenated in a long long time.. She was loving this entire phase.. She was with a man, who knew what made her happy...

They made a quick pit stop to change oil before their drive back to return to all the hustle bustle of the city... Soon they were cruising again.. Samuel kept looking at Jade... But she didnt really notice... She was busy admiring the picturesque beauty around her... Suddenly, Samuel pulled up around the side of the road...

'What's wrong baby?', she asked him..'Nothing... Nothing at all', he answered... 'Come with me,lemme show you somethin' he said, as he held her hand and led her outside the car... They came to a point where from they could see the entire valley below them...The view was breathtaking...'Awwww baby....' she said as she hugged him tight... 'This is so beautiful... How did you find this place?' she gushed...'It had to be here and nowhere else darling... You're a special woman, so you needed an equally special place...'he said...'For what?'....

Before she could even finish her statement she turned around to see Samuel down on one knee, with the most beautiful ring she had ever seen....

'Oh my God... Are you serious Samuel?' she asked...

'Jade Linsworth, will you be the beauty that makes my life picturesque forever?'

He was serious.. She had to think fast.. But no words were coming out of her mouth.. Well, it was all soooo purrfect.. Just like she had imagined..She would be lying if she said she hadn't pictured him popping the question... And now when he was doing it, what was stopping her??

She didnt know herself.. But all she knew was that something didnt feel rite.. She couldn't get herself to say yes...

'It's simple Jade.. All you have to say is one small word.. Y-E-S, yes.. Cmon.. Say it... He's lookin at u.. Say Yes.. Say Something....'

Finally her lips parted and she spoke.. 'Ummmm... I don't think... ummmm... that this is...ahem ahem... the best idea... Am so sowie Samuel.. I can't marry you', her voice gaining some kind of strength by now...

'Whaaa... I mean.. I thought you wanted this too... I thought WE wanted this', he fumbled with his words.. 'I dont get it Jade... Is it something I did?? Please tell me'

'It's not you Samuel, it's me!!!' she replied softly...

Awkward silence prevailed.. She stood there, silent... She turned her back to him... She couldn't bear to look at him.. He looked crestfallen... She didn't know what to say that would make him feel better.. Could she even do anything to make him feel better? She wondered....

The ride back to town was awfully quiet.. He quietly shut the door behind her and she watched as his car zoomed out of sight... She knew, right then in that moment, that she would never see him again..

She walked up the flight of stairs leading to her apartment.. When she unlocked the door, there she was, standing in all her glory, on all her fours.. 'Hey Sasha girl..' she said as she bent over to pick up her 4 month old cocker spaniel.. Sasha was furiously wagging her tail...

'Atleast someone's happy to see me home.. Even if the ulterior motive behind it is that you get fed now that am home..' Jade smiled and said..

Atleast she could smile.. What about poor Samuel.. What was his fault?

'Why did you lead him on all this while Jade?' she felt her conscience questioning her.. 'I dunno.. I really dunno' was the only plausible answer she could manage to utter...

Jade walked up to her lappy... She sat down to check her mails and well, blog, if she got the time to or the inspiration to write something.. Tonight she may have some inspiration, is what she thought... She skimmed through her mails.. Nothing interestin.. Hmmmm.. She logged into facebook..

"Hey girl, waddup..." said Sarah.

"Oh.. Hey how u doin.. Me.. Numuch happening wid me.. You temme" Jade replied.. 'How am I managing to be so casual about the whole Samuel episode... Have I no heart?' she asked herself...

Sarah: So girl.. You up for a fun night!!

Jade: Uhhh.. What are we talking about again?

Sarah: Oh, cmon!! Dont tell me you forgot again... We were to hit the club tonight... We leave in an hour.. What are you doing online.. Now scoot.. Get ready.. N yeah.. Leave Sam at home today.. It's an 'all girls' thing

Jade dressed up and looked pretty and nice by the time she got to the usual place... Sarah had already bought the beer... They generally had one designated driver amongst them girls and the others could drink that night... And she definitely was in the mood to get sloshed tonight...

She headed out and met with Sarah and the others... They hit the club and started out with a round of tequila shots... Once the 4th round of tequilas, Jade could hardly focus her sight on her own legs.. Everything around seemed to be spinning...

'But isn't that what I wanted!!!', she asked herself; 'to forget where I am, who I am with...'

She wasn't feeling too good, though.. She rushed towards the washroom.. The bile rising in the back of her throat... She banged into a wall, and she lost all consciousness..

"Jaaaaaade!!!! Jaaaade, can you hear me, girl?"

She rubbed her eyes.. Her head felt groggy.. Sarah, Tess, Jordan and the others had formed this huge circle around her.. She couldn't be sure if it was her friends or someone else who was looking at her right now.. Coz her vision was still blurred.. But it sure sounded like Sarah..

"Ummmm!!!"; Jade rubbed her head as she tried to get up...

"No wait.. Lie down for some more.. You're not absolutely fine as yet... No one can be after falling down that hard!!" replied a very deep masculine voice..

Jade wasn't in a state to argue... So she let herself drift off into sleep...

Sunday, January 03, 2010

(Please note, all that glitters is not gold... read it... enjoy it... Have fun)

The due credit for the title of this one goes to a very dear friend whose nickname would spell up to the word 'ass'... Lolz.. U know who u r dahlin...

I am your regular 22 year old (WTF.. Who am I tryin to kid???) and life was cruising along its predetermined charming route for me.. There weren't too ups and downs (yeah, rite!!!) and I liked life the way it was (Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiii)...

Given the fact that that there were so many brackets and so many expressions to all that I just mentioned in the above given romantic statement, I knew that things had to be set 'straight'... Something wasn't right with the way I was feeling... I constantly felt the urge to be around people who understood me..

I walked into a club one day, and I bumped into a dear old acquaintance... Angela (Lets call her that... Not like there is too much of an identity to be protected on that one) was thrilled to see me after so long... And lemme be honest, it wasnt that bad having her around.. She was always fun to dance with, given the fact that she is as bindaas as she is... We danced and danced and danced some more, and through all this dancing, we had been scouring the crowd for any decent looking men... But alas, that wasn't to be...

Me to angela: "See, now this is exactly why I believe in the saying 'All good looking men are either married, dead or gay'."

We seemed to agree on this one, as we had a ball laughing about the same joke for about 15 whole minutes... But I have to also agree on one more ground, we did manage to garner a lot of attention, coz we did make for quite a sight... Two chicks.. Grinding.. Dirty dancing...

What happened next was a matter of luck, if I may say so.. I don't think we intended it to happen.. But it did... In a matter to spur on the audience that we had already created, we started gettin steamier.. And within a matter of a few minutes, all you could hear was 'gasps' and 'wows'... Both Angela and I opened our eyes and looked around.. The whole club had gone into a standstill... And we both looked at each other..

Had it really happened??

Did we really do what we think we did??

Did we both, two full blown heterosexual chicks, just kiss??Oooooohhh baby.. If I was watching us, even I would be turned on.. Two full bodied women (read 'extremely busty') lip locked and unaware of the audience and the world around them... So caught up in a steamy passionate kiss that lasted for a good 10 mins (as the audience told us)... Whoooooooooo... (wipes sweat off brow)

And that's the day I realized, maybe just maybe, it was time for me to pass the baton on from being 'bi-curious' to being 'bisexual'...

How now, was I supposed to get to know more people, who would not only accept me for who I was, but also encourage me to meet the right kind of people?

That's when my knight in shining armour came along.. Another gem of a person (who is pretty pissed at me these days)... Lets call him Joel for now.. (This one does have an identity to be protected)

Joel walked into my life during this extremely turbulent phase of me accepting the 'truth' bout myself.. And before you knew it, I was on my way to my first ever LGBT party... (Read 'Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transvetite')

On entering the club, I was zapped... I had never seen so many men together in a place... Never ever... Never never ever... And you know wat made it so much better?? They were all so HAWTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! (Read Hot)

I looked around in amazement and went 'Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot' and Joel went 'Yeah hun.. But sorry to break your heart... It's more like Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay...'

Oopsie.. Life was being unfair again... But what the heck, atleast the music was a saving grace... Once I hit the dance floor I didnt care about the rest of the world.. I was in my own world... I absolutely fell in love wid Joel's friends.. They are the munchaliciousest (If that's even a word) bunch of boys I have seen around town...

We boogied our asses off for a while, before I had to stop for a 'drink' break.. I needed to drink some water... My throat was parched from all the dancing.. I walked over to the bar.. All the guys seemed friendly.. They smiled at me as I passed em...

That's when the most unlikely thing (or what I deemed unlikely at that point) happened... Someone pinched my bottom.. I turned around to face the culprit, assuming I was going to face Joel or one of his cute gay friends..

To my delight, I am faced with a totally different face.. He's cute... And he's smiling.. And he's the culprit.. Which means he likes my ass.. Which means he either likes women, or he thinks I look manly (well, that would've hurt my ego for life)... But apparently, it was option no.1 he went for.. He liked women...

What was he doing there then, u ask? Read 'Bisexual'... He identified wid me and me wid him..

I got talkin, danced a lil... But I was too scared to exchange nos... Afterall, I was a noob to the whole LGBT deal... I ran ova to Joey like a bubbly over-excited teenager and narrated the story to him.. And much to my relief, he assured me that there were loadsa bisexuals around and that I should keep my eye out for em.. He told me some of them were 'golden catches' if I managed to hitch em!!! Oooooooooooooo... Finally some good news...

As I was scouring around, my eyes landed on a guy.. He was typical TDH material (tall, dark, handsome.. DUH!!!) and he danced like he could burn the dance floor with every move... I couldn't see his face clearly from the distance... So I started moving closer...

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD!!!! It's kinda embarrassing to mention this here.. But he turned out to be a guy I was trying to hit on when I had met him at another straight club and he had given me a smile and not taken things further which had pissed me off.. And it was only today that I realized why he didnt take it further.. Coz the poor guy just couldn't go further with a woman.. LOL...

Our eyes met.. I didnt think he would recognize me.. But he did.. We looked at each other.. And we both burst out laughing... He was the first one to move into the hug and that hug lasted for a long time... We took a break from dancing and moved to a quieter corner to talk (that was all we could do, remember!!!)

And that my friends is the story of how I made the transition from BI-CURIOUS to BI-SEXUAL... For more stories and updates, watch this space!!!

Friday, January 01, 2010

Chetan Bhagat may have written a book about the three mistakes of his life... But here I am, on day one of the year 2010, writing about the mistakes of my past year....

Mistake no.1: Breaking up with my ex bf...

Not all who know me (and him) will agree with this one.. Coz they saw it as self destructive (me being wid him that is.)... But the point is, breaking up with him didnt solve the issue... I guess I just started cravin for more attention,love and warmth... N they dont custom make that in the world anymore...

Mistake no.2: Quittin my job...

I had to quit my job with Idiscoveri for various reasons... (It wasnt completely outta choice) but wat happened had to happen...

Mistake no.3: EVOLUTIONizing

Hehehehe.. For all those who know me, know wat I mean.. SHYT happens!!!

Mistake no.4: Events

Should never ever have joined EMDI... God bless the soul of all those poor people who went there..