My life sucks

It does. It did 10 years ago when I tried many ways of committing suicide but none worked. I downed <mod edit> to no effect. I ingested bottles of <mod edit> to live another day. I gulped down entire strips of andi-depressants/anti-psychotics or whatever medications I was prescribed but I got off with nothing. But since five years I've started noticing a tumor like growth on my backside, maybe from all the toxins I took. I tried hanging myself but the rope was too short. I tried slitting my wrists but the blades fell off somewhere midway.

I've actually done something with my life for only 3 of the last 10 years (I am 26 now) and my problems seem to be edging towards even more misery. Suicidal thoughts come into my mind more and more now but I'm afraid of jumping off the 5th floor (where I live). I wish they'd made more stronger over-the-counter poisons.

Sorry for boring you all with my rant but I had to get it out somewhere. My life has been sucking really bad since 10 years :sad:

First off, have you got your growth checked out by a professional? If not, please do.

You mentioned that you had anti-deps and anti-psychotics, which shows that assumably you had some sort of professional help at some point. Do you still receive that help? Or any help?

Maybe the fact that you have survived a lot of things means that you are meant to be alive? That the universe wants you alive for a reason? You may not know the reason yet, but maybe it will become apparent.

Has anything happened to make things so bad for you? Would you like to tell us about anything thats been going on for you?

Sorry for all the questions.

You say that you have done something for three of the 10 years, what did you do? What have you done? Do you have any aims in life that you want to achieve?

I've been suffering from psychological/psychiatric problems for the last 10 years. Docs have told me that I have an obsessive streak along with schizo-affective disorder or a schizotypal/mixed personality disorder. I wasted 3 of the last 10 years worrying about one or the other thing that I thought was wrong with me and 2 years I wasted being lazy in front of the computer. That leaves another 2 years out of which one year was spent in waiting to get into distance college and the half of another I spent in trying to be normal with my mum (nowadays I have developed a distrust for my mother whom I live with and this suspicion/distrust of her causes me great distress).

Earlier I put my 3 years to good use in completing my high-school education but that was long time ago (doesn't feel long ago to me, time has really flown fast for me).

Now with my continuing psychological distress and lack of college education/job experience life has become even more sucky probably more than 10 years ago when I tried to kill myself.

I do have definite aims if multiple competing ones but I'm unfortunately too lazy/incompetent to pursue them I feel. So I feel completely hopeless and I'd take a poison if I knew it'd work. Don't know what more hardships are in store for me in the future.

But thanks for responding to my post and you're right, I understand that it's important to hang in there (partly because I am a bit scared of the ordeal of killing myself). But I've messed up my life too much I feel either being lazy or preoccupying myself with obsessive thoughts.

I too have a personality disorder, so I can relate to you in that sense.

I'm not sure what country you are in, but if you are in the UK could you try something like the open university to retrain and do soemthing you want to do? This is what I aim to do this year.

You have not messed your life up. You are suffering from a mental health issue that you did NOT choose to have. Saying you have messed up your life implies that you chose this, and you didn't. You actually sound like you have fought hard against it, and surely that, above all, is the greatest success because you have not given in to it.

You might feel like you have no options there, but there will be help out there for you, to retrain or get a job, if you are able to work. Again, if you are in the UK, somewhere like MIND could really help you. If you live elsewhere, try researching what facilities are about in your area for someone with mental health problems wanting to be rehabilitated into the community, etc.

It's good that you are going to keep fighting, even though your brain is causing you a bit of trauma at the moment.

That's right, you shouldn't blame yourself for things you do not have control over. Why you say you're lazy? Coping and fighting with such problems require strenght and will. I'm sure you can obtain the things you want if you want it

Alwaysrain,
That is what has kept me away from taking such a step, the thought that what if I become paralyzed for the rest of my life. Even though I keep on reading in newspapers about similar successful attempts.

Scum,
I am even now pursuing the degree course I had enrolled in a couple of years back through an open university itself. And now I've started to look for jobs as well and am getting a few interview calls. But I don't know how I'd able to both pursue my studies and keep up with a job, especially with my psychological issues though I am sure there are many people with similar problems who do just that.

So I am very much anxious about my present and my future. I don't always give up hope but sometimes everything seems futile, especially after I have a fight with my mother. I feel like a waste but I'd like to get up and working and lead a normal life.