Upon graduating college, mousy Spence (Jurman) and his buddy, extreme cougar-phile, Hogan (Kole) find themselves poised to go to work at a prestigious law firm so that Spence can get a bona fide letter of recommendation to get into Harvard Law School. But when Hogan screws things up by sleeping with their future boss’ wife (Dunaway), they’re forced to go to Plan B: working at the law firm of Stack, Conrad, and Archibald, whose three senior partners are the biggest prick lawyers in LA and who torture them mercilessly. Meanwhile, Hogan hatches a plan to use his affinity for cougars and networking to start a business: Cougar Club, where young horny guys pay him and Spence a fee to hook up with high class cougars.

"Do you think they saw us?""Doesn’t matter, our names were in the credits.""Shit…"

The Lowdown

I actually don’t know what took me more aback: how dumb Cougar Club was, or how many named actors actually made an appearance in it. Checking out The Humans list above shows a surprising number of Hollywood notables of varying degree who were either slumming or who probably bronzed the checks they got for being in this turd. First off, Cougar Clubis a mess. To call it inane would be giving it too much credit actually. I doubt National Lampoon would have bothered with it and that’s probably telling you all you need to know right there. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that there were a couple of different movie ideas here tossed together in a salad prison-style. Cougar Clubtries to be a couple of things: heartwarming buddy comedy and raucous R-rated comedy and really doesn’t succeed either way.

"Mr. Mantegna, I can’t tell you what an honor it is for us to appear in a movie with – ""Shut up and get me a latte, kid.""Yes, sir."

The basic premise is that protagonist Spence is a likeable pushover who lets everybody walk all over him, particularly his annoying girlfriend, Amanda (Cuoco), who already is picking out china patterns before the ink on his diploma is even dry. Meanwhile Hogan is a Cougarwhore. He’ll basically go for anything with tits that was old enough to remember Kennedy’s head decorating Dealey Plaza. This includes his professor, who happens to be Carrie Fisher in a cameo. Later it means Faye Dunaway, who either lost a bet by being in this or wanted to distance herself from the memory of movies she was in like Bonnie and Clyde, Chinatown or Network. Rounding out the Cougar stable are Joanie "Chyna" Laurer, Loretta Devine and Izabella Scorupco, who also happens to be the object of Spence’s longings and his boss’ wife, Mrs. Stack.

Somewhere, right now, Sean Waltman is either laughing his ass off or crying uncontrollably…

When they have to go to work for the legal firm of Stack (Mantegna), Conrad and Archibald (Polito), they’re basically treated like indentured servants, having to perform tasks like cleaning Archibald’s toejam and sabotaging opposing clients for their bosses’ benefits. That’s when Hogan gets the idea to hook up the bosses’ wives, who are all Cougarific, with all their young buddies for a premium. Pretty soon their business venture is bearing enormous fruit and they sign up hundreds of young guys looking for cougars. So doing the math, one is left to ponder the simple question: at $500 a head for joining Cougar Club, Spence and Hogan have pulled in tens of thousands of dollars…so why are they bothering hanging around the shit law firm they work at and suffering the abuse they have to take?

Note from Oliver: Okay, if you’ve still come down this far, make sure you’re NOT in a place of business. NSFW****************No really…***************Okayyyyyyyy…….****************

Compensation for the Chyna screen cap #1.

It’s lapses like that that undermine the film, to say nothing of the romantic angle that Spence is pursuing with Mrs. Stack – which is a pivotal plot point of the film – that goes ultimately nowhere. And might I make an observation and subsequent suggestion while I’m at it: Spence’s father, Mr. Holmes (Robin Thomas) is besat by a gas problem that manifests in the form of stomach rumblings and trips to the bathroom. As a filmmaker, when you have such a weak story and / or characters that you have to throw in fart jokes just to try to salvage the thing, you know you’ve already lost. Finally, toss in seeing Faye Dunaway’s gravity-laden skin, Loretta Devine getting mounted in a copy room and Joanie "Chyna" Laurer’s feet being served up as a desert platter, and there’s plenty of good reasons to not see this movie.

Compensation for the Chyna screen cap #2.

The Package

The best thing this DVD has going for it is the topless menus. But generally speaking, if that’s the main reason you’re planning on getting this film, might I suggest getting Skinemax or an issue of Hustler instead. It’s cheaper. But you don’t even have to do that, because out of the goodness of my heart, I’ve included a couple of snaps of said topless menus for…reference…yeah. Otherwise there’s some bloopers, outtakes and deleted scenes to round out the offerings.

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