This is not something I take lightly, and I have considered it a lot over the years, but I don’t know what to do anymore.

I am 33 years old, and my relationship with my mother is unhealthy. It always has been, but I’m tired of apologizing just to fix things.

Some background. Every few months, my mother starts an argument out of the blue, this last argument stemmed over my brother and I talking about a tv show and begins to belittle me and attack my personality and hobbies.

She brings up things from when I was a teenager, which I’ve apologized for but forgot every negative thing she did to me. IE, always put me down, complained I wasn’t girly enough, called me a selfish B when I was 12, blamed me for her and my father’s arguments, etc.

I’ve gone to counseling and moved past everything until she brings it up. I don’t know what to do anymore. She makes me feel like garbage. I have a good stable job and my own house, but it’s never good enough. She refuses to go to counseling and refuses ever to apologize or admit when she is wrong.

No one can ever have a different opinion than her. When she doesn’t get into one of her moods, we have a good time together, but I always watch what I say. I’m at the end of my rope this time and need some advice.

I don’t need her to apologize, I know she never will, I just don’t know what to do at this point.

If it comes to it, spend less time with her rather then completely stopping all contact.

There are times I’ve had to keep away from my mum because I just wasn’t in a good place and she’d stress me out.

The conversation is going on in my head for days, stressing me. She doesn’t like apologizing and simpler to you shes always right. She does nice things too, but I don’t feel good enough, always feel looked down on.

Take care of yourself, and know she won’t change. But you can have confidence in why you choose to do x y and z.

Be happy with the reasons and ignore her disapproval. Set boundaries let her know you are looking forward to the future. So don’t want to keep looking back at the past. You’ve moved on and suggest she does the same.

What you described is very toxic. When your mother becomes your enemy and can’t forgive you for something you did as a kid (you’re not even fully aware as a person in early teens), then this is an enormous issue.

Ask her to come to counseling. She clearly has psychological issues and neurosis. Life clearly wore her down, and she is blaming everything, including her own children. She needs psychological therapy asap if she refuses counseling leave.

I’d say this relationship is not just toxic; it’s lethal. The things your mother says is something my worst enemy wouldn’t think of. Please, try to help her as much as you can before leaving, though. The dark side of her mind possessed her being, and her own loving old self is trampled by whatever is controlling her.

Mental disabilities are very biological as incorrect thinking and reinforcement of impulses cause rearrangement of neurons. Sometimes it becomes so extreme that the person starts displaying abnormal behavior after going through difficulties in live or repetition traumatic events. This is not her.

Exhaust your options, and if she’s stubborn, just disappear. It’s painful, but letting go is part of life. Either through ending a relationship or through death. Both have a conclusion, and many times it is inevitable and necessary to do so to move on.

You and I have the same mom. I’m 41, have dealt with the same all my life.

All I can tell you is how I handle mine, in hopes to help you handle yours.

It used to bother me BAD that my mother was always on me for nothing and everything. We fought like cats and dogs. I confronted her constantly. She picked me apart every chance she got.

I even moved halfway across the country to make my own life away, but with phone and technology, I couldn’t escape. And deep down, I didn’t want to. She’s my mom, like it or not. No matter how horrible she was to me growing up and beyond.

Take a deep breath, because here’s where it gets hard. Just go with me here.

When I turned 40, I spent the summer working on myself: my own issues, my feelings about my mom. And what I realized is there was no amount of standing up to her, no amount of talking rationally no amount of ignoring her that I could do that would work. So I decided to change ME and my reaction TO her. I know, why do WE have to change something about ourselves THEY’RE the mothers—answer: Because we passed them in maturity at age 12.

But I digress.

When many tell you, your mom is toxic; you’re a grown-up, cut ties. I will tell you;

Accept and bow,

What I mean by this is accept that:

1. You can’t change her.

2. You can’t make her stop her garbage.

3. You can’t ever live up to the ideal she’s got for you in her mind.

Accept those three things 1st. Realize that it’s okay. It’s okay that you can’t change her. It’s okay because now you blow.

By that, I mean, when she talks down to you when she criticizes you, you BLOW HER OFF, but in a sweet, odd way.

Hear me out.

Blowing her off may mean that the minute she starts in on you on the phone, you say, “okay, mom, I have to go, love you, call you soon, bye.” And say it in a sweet tone. Nothing sarcastic. No hurt feelings, Almost sound PLEASANT when you say it then hang up the phone and leave it at that.

When you get off the phone, you feel better, you didn’t fight, you didn’t argue, and you don’t give it a second thought, it’s just “mom being a mom” and done. If she calls back, answers, she may not expect you to, and the 1st thing she’ll say is WHAT? Or if she’s like mine, she’ll pretend the call cut and then be normal like nothing happened. If she doesn’t call back, no sweat. You win. She didn’t get to cut you down; you didn’t disrespect her or get rude.

Never tell her what you’re doing with the sweet BLOW off. Just keep doing it whenever she gets unruly.

Next, If she does it in person. SMILE. And while you smile, you think in your head, “this is just mom being a mom,” And she will STOP and say. “What are you smiling at.” (trust me they all do) and you say, I just love you, mom.

Sounds weird, huh? But what you’re doing is leaving the crap in her corner. You’re not wearing it. This is the way to have her in your life, and not in your head when she acts the fool.

The 1st time I did this, my mother didn’t know what to say. She just stood there. I said, I just love you, mom and I was smiling and sincere. It gave me an out, and I could leave the room smiling like she didn’t just call me fat, yet again, and went outside and disappeared. I didn’t get mad; I didn’t think about it, I didn’t wear it. I let HER wear it.

Fast forward two years, she’s calmed a LOT. Why? Because she gets no reaction from me. She does it the most when she feels bad about HERSELF. If she starts in again, I keep the genuine smile and shake my head like, yep, that’s mom. BLOW. She can’t reach you with her criticism if YOU don’t let her in your head.

I know it sucks, moms should be loving and supportive, and when I became a mom myself, I did everything I could NOT be her. But you have a choice.

I didn’t cut my mom off because I knew that one day, I wouldn’t get the choice, she’d pass away one day, and I’d just feel anger and resentment, and I decided I didn’t want the next 40 years to be like that in my mind.

You can’t control her, but you CAN control your reaction to her. And when you make it sweet, and something she doesn’t expect. The look on her face and that brief moment that she SHUTS UP, PRICELESS.

Ok, I wouldn’t apologize to her for being who you were growing up. Just tell her simply that she was the one who raised you.

If she continues, just listen if you want to stay there with her going off. When she stops and waits for you to argue, just say you got it, and is there anything else she needs to say to get complete in what she is trying to argue about.

Don’t fuel the argument with trying to defend your self. When she has said all she wants without your input, she will have no place to go with it and will either stop or get really pissed because she can’t get you to argue back.

You’ve been in therapy, so you know who you are and know you can’t change your mother easily. Have compassion and know at her level in life; she can’t help herself given how she was probably raised. So appreciate the good times you both have together.

When she starts on you, then just say sorry you just remembered an appointment and leave even if she continues just leave and close the door even if she is going off on you.

Maybe she will realize that what she does cause you to leave every time she starts she will stop but do count on it. You have to be firm on leaving when she starts or just listening but not feeding the arguments as I mentioned above unless she has some mental health issues I’m sure she enjoys your good times together as you do.

Remember one of these days she won’t be around. If you want to take on trying to enlighten her, then that is for another conversation.

Thank all of you so much for your advice. I will deff be weighing the pros and cons of each.

As it stands now, she hasn’t talked to me since our last argument, and I’ve been working too much to try. I’m willing to try anything, so please keep it coming. Like many of you have said, my father, brothers, and I all believe she does have some sort of mental disorder, but she refuses to see a therapist or go to counseling.

We’ve tried many times in the past to get her to go, but now we just don’t mention it.

You said your relationship with your mother has always been unhealthy and that you’re tired of apologizing just to fix things. You also said your mother starts an argument every few months out of the blue.

The only way an argument can occur is if two or more people participate. Perhaps as you said, that is why you are tired of apologizing just to fix things?

Please understand, I am not defending your mother’s behavior in this matter, and from what you have told us here, she clearly has issues and needs counseling.

But since she won’t get help, and for your own self-preservation, I can only see a few options here with regards to dealing with this unhealthy situation.

The first thing you need to do is to refuse to continue in any conversation that she tries to turn into an argument. I know how difficult that can be, but by getting drawn into her argument, you are only fueling the fire and giving her (exactly what she wants.)

People like your mother, who behave in this manner, are unhappy and carrying unresolved issues within themselves, which they often blame and take out on others. (Metaphorically speaking) she has used and is still using you as her punching bag. That is (mental abuse), and no one has to be subjected to that.

In light of your mother’s moods and her refusal to get counseling. It’s obvious that nothing is going to change with regards to her toxic behavior. So the only thing that can change (is how you deal with this situation.)

It’s good that you have gone for counseling to help you cope with the abuse she put you through. But as an adult, you are now in the position to take a stand and set boundaries.

One way to set that boundary is to instantly stop her in her tracks by (calmly but firmly) telling her that you refuse to continue the conversation with her until she can speak to and treat you with respect.

If, after you tell her this, she ignores you and continues on, then you need to (immediately) end your phone call with her, walk out of the room or leave her home, whichever the case may be. By repeating this process, she will eventually give up when she realizes it’s getting her nowhere.

Also, for your own peace of mind, perhaps you should consider gradually distancing yourself from her and only see or speak to her a few times throughout the year.

Or if you truly are at the end of your rope as you wrote in your post. Then perhaps another more permanent and healthier way to protect yourself would be to send her a letter explaining how she makes you feel. Let her know that you love her and forgive her, but because of her ongoing verbal abuse, she has given you no choice but to cut ties with her. At least in that way, you would have closure in your heart and nothing to regret later on.

You never mentioned whether you were in a relationship or had any children? If you do have children or plan to have children in the future. You would need to protect them and keep them away from your mother. Given her issues and the way she has treated you all these years, it’s highly likely she would do the same to them.

I wish you well and trust that the advice you received from myself and others in this forum has helped clarify what you must do to feel better about yourself.

No. My son has cut himself off from me for 28 years. Before you say it, I must have done something wrong. Well, it happened when his father went off with another woman.

He has no relationship with his dad, but his dad went to his wedding. I’ve tried over the years without success.

He’s now got his brother on board now who I’ve shared a relationship with who dropped me. I’ve stopped analyzing myself now and decided they have the problem, not me. I am old now, and they have not done anything for me.

Yet I did everything for them. They went to private schools; I cooked cleaned did everything. Yet my brother, who got divorced his two, were fostered, and he did nothing, but they are close, yet he is toxic.

But hey ho before I am judged I have two more sons who are adults, and they treat me right, and everyone says they are a credit.

So before you drop her for whatever reason, your moms, your mom, and you only get one.

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