The Bachelor: We Get It, ALL The Kisses Are Amazing

At the start of last night's Bachelor--after a requisite shirtless stint on the treadmill--Sean reflected on how surprised he was to already have feelings for several girls. This is a rich Bachelor tradition--being utterly shocked that after signing up to fall in love, you find yourself attracted to more than one hard-bodied, shiny-haired woman. But now I get what Sean meant--he's surprised to find himself attracted to these women because they're all so damn cocky. Exceptionally, cunningly, backhandedly cocky. To make matters worse, there's this--and it deserves its own paragraph: I have decided that Sean's actually a really good guy. It's not just the volunteering. He's just... normal. And kind. Maybe this IS the most controversial Bachelor EVER, because I've literally never seen this before. (The last time I doled out the "normal" compliment, it was to Brad Womack after he said someone giving him a public lap dance was "weird." As you can see, the bar was set very low.) I think you'll get what I mean about both Sean and the women by the time we're done with our awards. The "made up a fake name to be on The Bachelor" award: "Stuart Claxton" I shall be Stuart

At the start of last night's Bachelor--after a requisite shirtless stint on the treadmill--Sean reflected on how surprised he was to already have feelings for several girls. This is a rich Bachelor tradition--being utterly shocked that after signing up to fall in love, you find yourself attracted to more than one hard-bodied, shiny-haired woman.

But now I get what Sean meant--he's surprised to find himself attracted to these women because they're all so damn cocky. Exceptionally, cunningly, backhandedly cocky. To make matters worse, there's this--and it deserves its own paragraph:

I have decided that Sean's actually a really good guy. It's not just the volunteering. He's just... normal. And kind. Maybe this IS the most controversial Bachelor EVER, because I've literally never seen this before. (The last time I doled out the "normal" compliment, it was to Brad Womack after he said someone giving him a public lap dance was "weird." As you can see, the bar was set very low.)

I think you'll get what I mean about both Sean and the women by the time we're done with our awards.

The "made up a fake name to be on The Bachelor" award: "Stuart Claxton"

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I shall be Stuart Claxton, and I shall speak with just a trace of an old-Hollywood accent.

Favorite extras award: the two men in the lower right hand corner of this photo

The guy in the polo clearly just got blocked from both sides while trying to pass through and decided to make the best of it. The guy in the red shirt really wants to launch his acting career--but not enough to wear anything but pajama pants, which you can't see here but which I promise exist, and are checked--so this opportunity is perfect for him.

The "ya blew it" award: Kacie B

Oh, Kacie B, when will you learn? She tried to brief Shawn on a beef in the house and immediately got smacked down with a "Why are you involving yourself, though?" Because, ummm... "I'm having a hard time being myself because I'm worried about that." Sean wasn't buying. KB, did you learn nothing in Switzerland?

The nice recovery award: Lindsay

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Lest we forget, Lindsay ran around drunkenly in a wedding gown on night one. Fast-forward to today--she's killing it! Every time they talk, Sean's eyes do that sparkling-like-Claire-Danes's-dying-Beth's-in-Little-Women thing. It's a comeback for the ages.

The "who is THIS self-assured?" award, second runner-up: Lesley

"Growing up was awesome." Well, all right.

The "who is THIS self-assured?" award, first runner-up: Amanda

"All the things you're looking for in a woman... you're lookin' at it." If what he's looking for is a steady string of murderous facial expressions, yeah.

The "who is THIS self-assured?" award, grand prize: Desiree

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"I do have a deeper side. I'm very spiritual, very emotional... I think differently, I think, than a lot of people. So I don't just think like on the surface. I enjoy life and I enjoy the beauty of life and that's why I'm happy every day. And I know that what I have may be what you want. And I don't have to worry about anyone else." Oh, Des, I bet your AIM buddy info was just insufferable back in the day.

The my-kinda-girl award: AshLee

AshLee was glad she didn't get to go on the group date because she suspected (correctly) that it was "an activity." And this is her face when thinking about "activities."

The "have we met before?" award: Jackie

I feel like literally every season of The Bachelor has a girl who looks exactly like this and never gets any attention.