Poo

So a bottle of water in my bag exploded on the Purple line train last Monday. I was rifling through it, trying to salvage the paper stuff. At some point, without really remembering I was in a public place, I pulled out some fake poop I had in my bag from a comedy show I am in. I just kind of held it in my right hand while rifling through my bag with my left hand.”Uuugh! Jesus Christ!” said the woman sitting next to me.”Oh, haha, sorry. Oh man, yea this is fake poo from a comedy show. I’m sorry I was cleaning my bag and I just forgot.” I said.”Ugh, ugh, that does NOT look fake. That is disgusting.””Oh, it’s totally fake. See?” and I did something I now regret. You see, I had the poo as a memento from the show and was not really familiar with it. In my embarrassment I forgot it was handmade fake poo. I thought if I squeezed it, you’d be able to see it was rubber. Maybe it would squeak or make a little whistling air sound. I knew it would be gross, but lighthearted you know? But no, it was made of stuffed felt, held together with glue from a glue-gun, and full of plastic beans. When I squeezed, a brown ooze came out, and a horrible crunching noise from deep within the tiny poo filled the air. Wet beans and dissolved glue dribbled with the ooze.The woman screamed, and got up and ran to another train car. I think she was sort of sobbing as she grabbed the door handle. Some other people were looking at me too, completely unamused, all of them gravely angry looking.The sad part is that, according to the Railway Act of 1892, I am now legally a hobo because while on a locomotive machine I did hold up a piece of feces and squeeze it in public view.

You, too, can make realistic fake poo! All you need is brown felt, some polyfill fiber, rice, and a glue gun. Seal the ends of the felt together by putting a strip of glue on one end of the felt, and folding the other side around to make a tube. Fold off one side of the poo, seal with glue. Then, using a chopstick, push polyfill to the sealed side of the tube, about 1/3 of the length of the poo. Fill the center with rice about 1/3 of the length. Fill the opposite end with more polyfill, seal other end, secure with hot glue. Voila! Relistic poo that is great for throwing and grossing people out!