Holy Ship!! Day One: A Surprise Guest Whose Name Rhymes With Drillex

11:45 p.m. In the ladies restroom, two neon clad raver chicks adjust each others' pink wigs. One offers me a sip of her cocktail. "What's in it?" I ask. "Rum," she says, "AND vodka!" I pass.

12:30 a.m.: Down in the disco, J. Phlip is dropping what is easily the best set of the night. The dance floor is hella slippery as people have been spilling cocktails on it all evening, which is sort of dangerous. (A tutu-wearing raver girl goes down hard.) But it also enables some amazingly fancy footwork by me, a man dressed as a mouse and others. We dance until we're sweaty and have to go outside for fresh air.

2:30 a.m.: Break for games in the arcade. "Don't put that $20 in the quarter machine," yells a girl to her friend. "You'll definitely regret it in the morning."

4:30 a.m.: In the Zebra Lounge (which looks and feels like the club in Scarface), Skream is wearing a tux and playing a set comprised exclusively of "'80s Prom Night Anthems." I end up dancing next to Skrillex and we sing "How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston at each other at the top of our lungs.

5 a.m.: Back in the disco, Eats Everything plays "It's Time For the Peculator." It's also time to go to bed.

5:15 a.m.: ...But not before swinging through the cafeteria to pick up a ham and cheese omelet, a piece of pizza and an orange Fanta. Because that's the meal that makes the most sense right now.

8 a.m.?: At some point in the morning, an announcement comes on that we've reached the Bahamas. I assume everyone else on the ship responds in the same way that I do, which is by rolling over and going back to sleep.

11 a.m.: I am woken up again by the sounds of the people in the cabin below me having sex. A new day has begun!

12 p.m.: "Dude it was crazy easy to find drugs in town," exclaims an excited guy in the cafeteria.

2 p.m.: On the upper deck, Gina Turner leads a remarkably well-attended yoga class. It's hard to tell if people are doing shavasana or if they've just fallen asleep.

3 p.m.: Get off the boat. Walking into Nassau feels like entering Disney World, as you literally have to enter through the gift shop. "Do you need any party supplies?" asks a local guy in a way that implies he's not talking about balloons and streamers. Turns out it is ridiculously easy to find drugs in Nassau. (I do not buy any drugs).

6 p.m.: We embark from Nassau into the Caribbean sunset. L-Vis 1990 is playing to a party crowd going strong on the main deck and the cafeteria is packed with people eating dinner in their bathing suits. Here we go again.