Sports

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the 51-year-old coach was slowly making his way across the vacant stands section by section, sources at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that Jim Harbaugh spent the entire day testing the view from every seat in the team’s stadium.

CLEVELAND—Gingerly stepping around several of the largest wet patches on the floor, local Indians fan Mark Freel reportedly assured himself Tuesday that at least some of the liquid covering the ground of the men’s bathroom at Progressive Field was most likely water.

ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis.

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed.

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

CINCINNATI—Saying that the annual event feels incomplete without them, baseball fans across the nation expressed their outrage Tuesday after the Federal League was once again snubbed by the MLB All-Star Game.

LINCOLN, NE—According to a comprehensive new study published Wednesday by the University of Nebraska, the vast majority of Major League Baseball games are played between the Minnesota Twins and the Oakland Athletics.

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.

CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.

ATLANTA—Stressing that the small bit of housecleaning still needs to be addressed, Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez reportedly reminded his players Wednesday that he will be throwing out all unclaimed steroids left in the locker room refrigerator by the end of the day on Friday.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice.

UNIVERSITY PLACE, WA—Utterly overwhelmed by the thought of the planet’s surface containing such an unfathomable amount of the natural course obstacles, pro golfer Bubba Watson expressed both shock and fear Friday upon learning that approximately two-thirds of Earth is covered in water hazards.

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black.

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday.

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less.

ZURICH—Following widespread complaints that teams in the Women’s World Cup have been forced to play on synthetic fields, officials from FIFA held a press conference Thursday advising players unhappy with the turf to spend more time in midair.

IOWA CITY, IA—According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft.

Cleveland Cavaliers backup point guard Matthew Dellavedova received high praise after shutting down reigning MVP Steph Curry in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Is he any good?

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

SAGINAW, MI—In a journey that will take him thousands of miles across the country, local baseball fan Patrick Lund, 32, revealed to reporters Friday that he is currently attempting to visit the home of every single Major League Baseball player in a single season.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense.

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player.

CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler.

TAMPA BAY, FL—Noting that his phone’s voicemail has been almost single-handedly filled by the rookie quarterback, Tampa Bay Buccaneers general counsel David Cohen confirmed Friday that he has already received 26 missed calls from Jameis Winston.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.”

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

LOUISVILLE, KY—In one of the biggest tragedies to ever befall the 141-year-old event, more than a dozen spectators were reportedly injured and the Kentucky Derby was temporarily delayed Saturday after a pinwheeling, out-of-control horse crashed into the stands.

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

CHICAGO—Noting that it would be a swift departure from the organization’s past draft strategy, sources within the Oakland Raiders front office confirmed Thursday that the team is considering taking a chance on an NFL prospect with no off-field...

HINDU KUSH MOUNTAINS—Venturing thousands of miles to reach the remote mountain village where the ancient soothsayer was rumored to be found, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper sought out the sage counsel of blind oracle Jayashri in hopes of determining the Clev...

CHICAGO—With prospective players undergoing a final round of interviews and visits ahead of this week’s NFL Draft, sources revealed Wednesday that teams have been totally blown away by the ability of Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston to...

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history.
Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters, and plastic...

SAN DIEGO—Racking his brain for every conceivable sequence of events that could potentially happen on a baseball field, team sources confirmed that San Diego Padres left fielder Justin Upton spent most of Wednesday night’s game against the Ari...

PHILADELPHIA—Calling it a fun new way to enhance the game-day experience, the Philadelphia Phillies announced Thursday that concession stands at Citizens Bank Park will now sell plastic helmets for fans to vomit in.

CINCINNATI—Following an exhaustive 18-month study examining all major American and international sports, a new report published Tuesday by Xavier University’s Department of Sport Studies revealed that holding a trophy high above one’s he...

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

WASHINGTON—With Major League Baseball at risk of losing fans due to the sport’s increasingly slow and lethargic pace, Washington Nationals right-hander Stephen Strasburg reportedly urged pitchers across the league Monday to shorten games by in...

CHICAGO—Responding to growing concerns about the state of offseason renovations to Wrigley Field, officials from the Chicago Cubs assured fans Friday that the stadium’s beef machine will be ready for the team’s opening game.

DENVER—Saying that it’s a decision he needs to carefully consider and ultimately make together with his family, free agent wide receiver Wes Welker confirmed Thursday that he is currently fielding promising offers from a number of concussion r...

FALL RIVER, MA—While testifying during the murder trial of fiancé and former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, Shayanna Jenkins told prosecutors Monday that she had absolutely no idea what incriminating evidence was in the box h...

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history.
1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

CLEVELAND—Shrieking at the top of his lungs as he scuttled through Quicken Loans Arena during a game between Wichita State and Notre Dame, sources confirmed Thursday that a fully nude, ash-streaked Dick Vitale was observed loudly proclaiming that th...

DALLAS—Praising the organization for their refusal to turn their backs on those with a troubled past, the ACLU honored the Dallas Cowboys Wednesday for their ongoing efforts to reintegrate criminals back into the NFL.

LOS ANGELES—Highlighting a new trend that has grown increasingly prevalent across the league, a new survey released Thursday by the University of Southern California revealed that fewer NBA players are opting to learn their unborn baby’s posit...

NEW YORK—Saying that many players assume they are somehow immune to the problems afflicting those who quit football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a broad new campaign Wednesday to warn all players about the long-term risks of retirement.

NEW YORK—As part of a formal appeal to lift his lifetime ban from baseball, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Cincinnati Reds star Pete Rose offered new MLB commissioner Rob Manfred a lower vig on an upcoming boxing match between Emanuel Lopez...

WASHINGTON—Expressing their growing concern after being inundated with grievances throughout the past week, officials from the NFL Players Association confirmed Monday that they have received multiple complaints from free agents being harassed by th...

NEW YORK—Tearing past crew members and camera equipment as they leapt onto the stage, throngs of ecstatic Brigham Young University fans reportedly stormed the CBS Sports broadcasting studio Sunday night following the Cougars’ triumphant upset ...

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night.

MIAMI—Declaring that University of Miami wide receiver Marcus Henderson could be the missing piece to their franchise, a NFC West scout told reporters Thursday that he hopes the player’s hometown friend Chris “Big Killah” Dawkins will not be a liability.

Reports indicate that Big Killah, who appears on multiple social media platforms posing with handguns and drug paraphernalia while exhaling thick billows of smoke, first met Henderson while playing on their local Pop Warner football team. The two reportedly remained close friends up to, and through, Henderson’s commitment to the nearby University of Miami and Killah’s entrance into a diversionary program.

“Marcus has all the skills to be a star in the NFL, and we’re really high on him,” the scout said of Henderson, who is reportedly listed as “main dawg” in Killah’s cell phone contacts, below the numbers of at least three convicted felons. “Of course, with a major investment like this we’d prefer if he were no longer closely tied to a man who has ‘Thug 4 Life’ tattooed across his back, but given the length of their relationship we assume Mr. Dawkins will remain a part of the picture.”

“However, we are certainly willing to give Big Killah the benefit of the doubt,” he added.

Sources say Killah, whose employment status remains unclear, frequently invites Henderson out to bars, nightclubs, and house parties, often arriving to pick up the highly touted wide receiver without warning. Reports confirm that during these outings Big Killah typically encounters at least one of the growing number of individuals with whom he is engaged in an ongoing dispute.

The talent evaluator acknowledged that he was aware Dawkins has been banned from Miami’s Coral Gables campus since 2011.

Big Killah, who insists he has stayed out of trouble the past few months, has reportedly suggested to Henderson on numerous occasions that he should purchase a firearm, almost always offering to procure a weapon for him. Sources added that Killah continues to be a person of interest in several Dade County investigations.

“He does raise a few red flags,” the NFC West scout said of the man who considers Satin Gentlemen’s Lounge his favorite hangout. “But we trust Marcus’ judgment on Mr. Dawkins.”

“Though the brutal incident involving the boyfriend of one of his sons’ mothers is somewhat disconcerting,” he continued.

According to those close to the situation, Big Killah has held countless discussions with Henderson about purchasing a large seven-bedroom home for them to live in when he is drafted, with reports indicating the duo would be joined by Killah’s brother Slippy, cousins Bones and Chuckie Ice, and mutual friend Dr. Dank, who is reportedly an aspiring rap artist. Sources said the entourage would function as Henderson’s personal protection, with Killah acting as head of security.

Witnesses said Dawkins regularly reminds others around town of his association with Henderson, often trading on the star athlete’s name for various forms of preferential treatment. According to sources, Big Killah recently purchased several thousand dollars’ worth of customizations to his car from a local body shop under the promise he would repay them once Henderson is drafted.

Sources added that Killah is also widely known to have a serious gambling issue.

While the scout said he does not endorse Mr. Dawkins’ lifestyle, he believes Marcus will ultimately make the right decisions as a professional player.

“We’re hoping that he’ll be preoccupied with team activities once he is in the NFL,” the scout said of Henderson, who has reportedly received a dozen text messages from Killah this week, imploring him to help deliver retribution for the recent beating of another childhood friend. “So if Marcus and Mr. Dawkins are a package deal we are willing to take the risk.”

“Marcus is a heck of a ball player,” he added.

At press time, a bleeding Big Killah was reportedly speeding 95 miles per hour down the Don Shula Expressway toward Marcus’ apartment.