In the spirit of the previous entry, this week will focus on a particular internal stimulus that can serve to remind a person to practice connecting with the present moment and make value-based choices. Recognizing the ability to make life choices in the presence of contradictory thoughts versus allowing your automatic beliefs to unquestioningly drive your life can feel quite empowering.

Many habitual thoughts can act as reminders. Complaints function as one of the most common indicators that a person has rejected the present moment. Consequently, complaining offers a great opportunity to observe and experience the ways every moment possesses the possibly to connect.

When complaining outwardly or inwardly, three options generally arise: (a) accept, (b) change, or (c) continue. To explain further, people can accept the source of the complaint, change the problem, or continue complaining. Recognizing the complaint acts as a crucial step. Consider the example of sitting in traffic:

“This traffic is killing me! COME ON, PEOPLE, MOVE!”

Traffic offers an easy opportunity to practice accepting the present moment.Rush hour makes traffic predictable, and the mere nature of thousands of cars crawling across a four-lane road stages wonderful uncontrollability. The complainer may note, “I’m complaining about the traffic.” When people recognize a complaint they meet a point at which they can choose between accepting, changing, or continuing to complain about the moment.

Without noticing the complaint, people often mindlessly continue the act. On the other hand, sometimes a person chooses to complain even when well-aware that they are rejecting the present moment. The choice to continue can also represent a time to vent, and, when brief, can serve to express frustration, irritation, and other emotions.

“This traffic is killing me! COME ON PEOPLE, MOVE!”

{I’m complaining, I’d like to continue complaining}

“It’s not that hard, just keep driving! There’s no need to brake! Ahhhh! I hate traffic!”

At some point, continuous complaints can serve to increase agitation and cause unnecessary angst. If the driver above had a co-pilot in the passenger seat, then the complaint could even serve to create anxiety in another person, temporarily impact the relationship, or have some other effect.

The choice to accept applies to unchangeable situations as well as those not worth changing. The traffic above is likely unchangeable.

“This traffic is killing me! COME ON PEOPLE, MOVE!”

{I’m complaining, maybe I can practice acceptance}

“I don’t particularly like the traffic and I’m going to be late. This is part of what’s happening here. This is it. I’ll practice accepting the existence of this traffic as well as any anxiety that may arise as I am running late to work. Perhaps, I can also practice maintaining calm in the presence of something out of my control.”

Acceptance can involve recognizing the unpleasantness of something, while continuing to pursue a value-based course. Complainers who decide to accept the moment may also gain enough clarity to calmly communicate their tardiness to another. Furthermore, people who dislike the time-consuming, non-productivity that accompanies traffic often “don’t have the time” to practice mindfulness. Consequently, accepting traffic may even afford the opportunity to practice connecting to the present moment.

As previously mentioned, acceptance can apply to the unchangeable as well as that which is not worth changing. “Choosing battles” in relationships can represent the ultimate exercise in noticing that which is not worth changing. For instance, a husband may complain frequently about his wife’s tendency to talk throughout movies and have daily conversations with her sister.In the spirit of “choosing battles,” he may decide to discuss the ways ongoing commentary throughout a film affects his moving-watching experience but then practice accepting the daily conversations with her sister. In the second instance he chooses to accept, whereas in the first, he chooses to pursue change.

The husband’s change, or the pursuit of change, leads us to the third and final choice a person can make when faced with a complaint. The distinction between change and the pursuit of change is important because sometimes we seek to modify a situation that we cannot 100% control. For instance:

ABLE to CHANGE: “This kitchen is so dirty. Ugh!” à Clean the kitchen (100% under your control)

ABLE to PURSUE CHANGE: “My roommate never cleans the kitchen.” à Talk to the roommate about cleaning more and try to arrive at a solution; Practice accepting that the roommate may or may not change his/her tendencies toward cleaning the kitchen.

With regard to the above traffic example, the complainer could pursue change by taking another route or even getting out of the car and trying to direct vehicles so that they move along a little quicker. The driver would likely be forced to simultaneously practice accepting the possibility that the efforts may be ineffective and traffic will persist.

As with every concept discussed in psychology, it is very important to not interpret the content of this blog as oversimplifying complicated situations. At times, statements that seem like complaints may actually operate as a step toward acceptance or even act as a communication of acceptance; whereas there may also be times that expressions of acceptance may be denial or a clear rejection of the present moment. Consider grief. When grieving, people cry over the loss of a loved one and may belittle themselves for doing so: “I need to accept that he’s gone.” Perhaps, but perhaps the more helpful option would be to accept the sadness of the loss. On the other hand, a grieving person may repeatedly discuss the wish that a lost individual return. Essentially, the wish may represent the continued rejection of the present moment, but the expression of that wish may be healing.

Overall, when you recognize that you are rejecting the present moment, you can then choose to (a) accept, (b) change (or pursue of change), or (c) continue.The point is not that any one of these choices is better than the other. Instead, the point is that you can put yourself in a position to exercise the choice to connect to the present moment and possibly live according to your values by simply recognizing that you in fact have a choice.

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Author

Dr. Bridgett Ross is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and owner of Ross Psychology.

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