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How To Kill A Mocking Squirrel (A Mocumentary)

The stealthy hunter regards his prey with detached skepticism, but don’t be fooled. He is a cunning and sly beast.

Yes, indeed, he wants that tasty morsel.

But how? How can he coax his dinner down from its natural habitat (the Gazebo framework of a West End Penthouse)?First, he will try something unique to the Woo species; he will attempt to startle the squirrel into falling from its perch by “barkscreaming” ™ at it … frightening it, the camerawoman and many neighbors for blocks in every direction.When this fails to to the trick, he then resorts to physical activity – a very rare capture in this species, ladies and gentlemen – and will leap vertically into the air repeatedly. In some species, this is known as “boinging.”

Alas, this too has failed to dislodge the cheeky bastard from its perch. The threat of more scary barkscreaming ™ and angry neigbors to come …

… prompts this mocumentarist to take the bold move of interfering with nature and providing The Wootie withA CHAIRSuccess at last.And this the kill sequence begins.

First, he must grab the squirrel and shake it “all about”Sometimes, something intimate and primal, known as “Secksy Time,” is incorporated into the ritual.

Once successfully shaken (never stirred) the squirrel’s head or face is then blissfully chewed into fabric bits. This is known as “going to his happy place” and is only seen when new squirrels have been freshly purchased from Target (alas, it does not seem that we will be making any trips to Target in the near future!). And it must take place in a deck chair.The Wootie is a prideful animal – one might, without seeming ridiculous, go so far as to call him “boastful.” This can lead to unfortunate interpack rivalries, where The Wootie’s insolence can turn to loss at any moment. For while The Woo is showing off his prize, he is not being mindful of the envy he is instilling in Piper.Piper has been waiting for this moment.

The squirrel will be hers.and then The Food Lady takes away the squirrel, because it’s our last one and we don’t want them ripping it in half!

Tonight Mr. Sport ate about a cup of kibble off the floor, provided I did not look at him. I had to stand with my back to him and look at the ceiling and pretend I did not see him eating. Another quirk in the Sporty Arsenal of Old Dog Quirks!