Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fred Phelps is an elderly self proclaimed Christian Cult leader with a strong obsession with anal sex and homosexuals. The questionable mental health of Pastor Phelps has inspired him and the inbred followers of the Westboro Baptist Church to protest the funerals of soldiers and many others as a sick publicity stunt to push the message that God Hates You and God Hates America. He is a well spoken man who uses a rapid fire delivery of creative anti gay and hate speech toward Americans. He believes that all of the world’s problems are because God hates people having butt sex. Pastor Phelps has solved the age old mystery of why there is war, death and destruction in the world; answer: because people have butt sex. No more grand meaning to life in Pastor Phelps’s Bible, just 2 groups of people. Those who have butt sex and those who are killed by an angry God as punishment for the others having butt sex.

Pastor Phelps also hates animals, children, minorities, bright colors and even himself at times. The most amazing thing about an elderly deranged pervert who is obsessed with butt sex is the reality that he has followers? This proves that no matter how sick you are there are people in the ass crack of the United States who will follow you. I just want to now when will Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church members make some cyanide kool-aid and do the world a favor. They can go meet this God that hates everyone and seek the answers they are searching for.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Westboro Baptist Church Cult Leader was on his radio show today explaining that sometimes he hears voices and the voices are those of a Gay Devil who commands him to look at sexy men on the internet. A source close to the Cult says that Pastor Fred Phelps spends hours of searching the most fowl websites the internet can offer until his lust and sins are nothing more than stains on a photo of a confused young boy and Pastor Phelps is sobbing with guilt and hate.

It has been reported that on more than one occasion Pastor Fred Phelps has worn women’s underwear while preaching to his sheep and using his tax exempt status to purchase lace and velvet thongs. Yes friends, it seems that things get pretty weird over at the “church of the divine inbreeds” (also known as Westboro Baptist Church). Internet Blogger Mike Hayes has said that medical crews have been called to the cult compound on more than one occasion where guilt and shame have over powered Pastor Phelps and he was forced to punish himself by smashing his testicles with a small hammer while screaming homophobic slurs to school children from an open window.

Impotent since the mid 1970’s Fred has had little use for functioning testicles, so they have withstood the wrath of the “hammer of repent” on many occasions when he must pay for his sins. This is what Fred calls the 1.5 oz hammer that has served as a means of self punishment combined with a filthy genital pain fetish. Witnesses have said that his testicles look like a small rodent that was hit by a bus after the years of sadistic abuse. “The deformed sack with its hairless patches and scars reminds me of a legless dog with parasitic mange that needs to be put down” said an ambulance driver who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of a funeral protest.

Sadly the psychotic testicle crushing is only one of many strange things that go on behind the walls of the Westboro Baptist Church. It was widely suspected that Shirley Phelps has done private church related services with straight men in the privacy of their homes, car, public restroom and occasionally abandoned buildings. Although we were unable to confirm the validity of these claims one man came forward and said “she is fully committed to the cause” and that “love should only be between a woman and a man or a man and a few of his close friends on a Friday night”. Just what that cause is may still be unclear to many but to this reporter it is clear that we can only imagine the sadistic horrors that go on inside the Westboro Baptist Church.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist Church were attacked and beaten at a funeral on Monday according to our sources. The group arrived early Monday morning lining the streets near the cemetery route with signs reading “God Hates Fags”, “God Hates America” and “God Hates Children”. This story seemed all too familiar to the many American families who have been the victims of Phelps’s anti-gay protests that often had little or nothing to do with the individuals whose funeral they were disrespecting. This time things all seemed to take a turn for the worst when Fred Phelps and his followers decided to protest the funeral for 8 yr old David Holmes who died in a tragic house fire started from a faulty electrical outlet on Christmas Night. David and his family were sleeping when sparks caused their tree to catch fire killing David and his beloved dog named “Pooch”. It was well known in the community that David was molested by a male gym teacher and was working hard to rebuild his young life. David was also a Cub Scout, honor student and enjoyed going to his church with his family and friends. Pooch and David were so close that they will be laid to rest side by side so the two best friends will always be together.

One member of the Westboro Baptist Church was telling local reporters that little David was a fag and died because of his homosexuality, also adding that he will bun in Hell for eternity for being a Fag (ignoring the fact that he was a victim). Upon hearing this, a random bystander and retired professional boxer leaned forward and punched the church member in the throat sending him nearly 6 feet from where he was standing and straight to the ground. With the camera still rolling a News Channel 8 sound man Charles “Wolf Man” Jackson hit Phelps with a solid steel microphone stand causing him to do a front flip/ cart wheel and squeal in terror as he dropped his protest sign. What happened next was un-imaginable panic as the 4 uniformed police officers returned to their vehicles and drove away leaving the protesters defenseless against an angry mob ready for blood.

The family and friends of little David Holmes turned on Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist Church like hungry wolves in a field of sheep. Protest signs were ripped from the hands of church members and many punches were thrown as the protesters tried to run. The mealy continued until Westboro Baptist Church members were cornered against a nearby building with nowhere to run and no police protection. As Pastor Fred Phelps screamed for help he began pounding the door of the building. Church Members were hoping for an easy escape from David’s family and the Channel 8 News Team, but suddenly Phelps realized that out of all the buildings he and his band of cult following cowards could have picked, this was the wrong one. It was like a message from God himself that Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist Church were trapped between an angry mob and the local VFW Lodge (Veterans of Foreign Wars). The door came open and Veterans poured out of the building to see what was going on. Several Veterans who looked like retired NFL linemen now stood over Phelps who was rolling on the ground screaming for help. The clear sign of urine were visible on Phelps’s pants sent a visible message of the panic. Members of the Westboro Baptist Church trembled in fear waiting to be hand delivered to hell from the beating they were about to receive. This was going to be worse than anything they had ever imagined. With the smell of blood it the air and the chaos that had just ensued, a loud voice was heard from the crowd, STOP, STOP, STOP!

Everyone was shocked when TV and Radio Host Glen Beck appeared from out of nowhere sobbing like a young girl who was just dumped by her date at prom after buying the pretty dress. “I love my country” and “God, America, Freedom, Rights and we need to stop this now” Beck said. The crowd did stop and stood in confused horror as a disturbed Beck began to shake and cry hysterically before dropping to his knees. In the blink of an eye Beck was on his feet and ran directly at the Westboro Baptist Church members throwing punches in every direction. He was hitting church members with fists, kicks, elbows and knees. “Men, women and children were all beaten by a sobbing Beck who kept screaming USA, USA, USA!” said one witness. “We were about to beat those Westboro Church maggots into the ground when Glenn Beck showed up and went crazy, he scares the hell out of me man, he is one fuck*d up dude” another VFW member told CNN. It took 15 people to stop a blood crazed Beck from killing members of the Westboro Baptist Church or Pastor Fried Phelps with his bare hands. David’s father posted a message on Twitter today that read “G.B. looked like a windmill of fists beating on those freaks, God Bless You G.B.”.

Although no one was critically injured 3 church members including Phelps had to be transported to the hospital to have wooden sign handles removed from their anuses and it is unclear if Glen Beck was responsible for penetrating the victims or not? State and local officials have refused to press charges against Beck, David’s Family or those attending the funeral based on eye witness accounts that Phelps attacked the reporter’s metal microphone stand with his head and provoked the attack. However, Phelps faces several charges resulting from the incident including; Public Urination and violating state sodomy laws after several witnesses confirm that Phelps put the sign handle in his own ass. Sadly, there was no video footage available because one of the protesters attacked the Channel 8 News camera with his face, destroying the tape in the process. The four police officers were given 2 weeks paid leave and have been hailed as heroes for their fast thinking and no response. Glen Beck is still crazy freak waiting for a cause that matters but today in this fake news story, he is an American Hero.

It started out like any other night down at the Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Phelps speaking in tongues, rolling of the floor naked with the only audible word being a creepily high pitched “FAG” in between fits of panic that closely resemble a seizure to the untrained eye. The congregation was tired after a long night of snake charming and needed to unwind so they ordered the children to put down their snakes and make some tasty Kool-Aide. After a long sermon on why God Hates the Kool-Aide Man it was decided that they choose to drink wine instead. After all, Jesus turned water in to wine and even the church elders at Westboro Baptist Cult could agree that God does not Hate Jesus (unless he was a Fag then he would be hated and blamed for natural disasters or a poor economy)?

Heavy drinking lasted several hours as the inbreed children squealed with delight. Everything was fine until the lights went off in the Westboro Baptist Church. It was then that a bright light blinded Pastor Fred Phelps and he was taken in to the basement of the church. “I could only make out the figures and their eyes” Phelps said fighting back tears. What happened next was a scene too horrible to imagine says one local official who would like to remain anonymous. A UFO had landed in the parking lot of the Westboro Baptist Church and they had turned the lights off inside the cult and assaulted Pastor Phelps. Several strong manly hands pulled Pastor Fred Phelps in to a small dark room located below the church.

“The Aliens were smart, they gave me some kind of space liquid from a jar that burned really bad and tastes like moonshine” said Phelps. “They used their super space powers to transform their appearance to look like the men of the church and then one by one they anal probed me over a desk until I passed out” Pastor Phelps told the police. Local officials are asking anyone with information to come forward with sightings of suspicious lights in the sky around the Westboro Baptist Church on the night of the anal assault. Pastor Fred Phelps says his anus is healing but he must now wear a diaper to prevent any leakage on Taco Tuesday. He has denounced all alien life forms and will protest at soldier’s funerals to draw attention to the problem of anal probes from extra terrestrials.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Everyone is invited to protest the funeral of Westboro Baptist Church “Cult Leader” Fred Phelps. Protesters are welcome to bring a full bladder and urinate on his grave directly after the service or during the service. Make sure and have a video camera available to capture this joyous event to remember the life of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Cult. As ol’ Freddy always said “God Hates Fags” lets show him and his family that Americans Hate Fred Phelps. Sure there will be some angry inbreeds from the cult talking about their “rights” but once the Sheppard is in the dirt the sheep will go back to their farms somewhere in the backward wasteland of middle America waiting for Ol’ Freddy’s ghost to spread the word of God… by proving that all natural disasters being caused by Butt Sex.

I guess after being “butt plowed” as a young man Fred Phelps took his message to the world thinking it would change the fact that he probably liked it. Although he liked it he needed a firm platform to scare others in to follow and so he decided to blame all the world's problems on his kinky fetish? What better way to spread your idiotic message than at a funeral! Grieving families, pain and suffering of loved ones while an elderly freak obsessed with “Anal Love” and some inbreed followers holding signs squealing about the end of the world. Why not have a massive party when Fred Phelps Dies? A party complete with a gay circus, noise makes and all the free beer you can drink (this will ensure everyone can be ready to piss on his grave when the time is right).

I bet even Siegfried and Roy could reunite together in homosexual tiger pants for this special occasion. We could even round up small children and put signs in their hands that say shocking things, what an original concept. The funny part is the children are too little to know what the sign says, but damn it will be funny and shocking! (don’t forget shocking) So, come one come all to the Fred Phelps Funeral! I will personally donate $10,000 USD to anyone who can make their way to the coffin, open the coffin and “Tea Bag” Pastor Phelps. It is only fitting that a man who spent most of his life letting worthless things come out of his mouth has a freshly shaven man sack in his mouth before his body is laid to rest. ($5,000 USD for a “Dirty Sanchez” or “Dirty Phelps” as it will be known from now on”.

Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr. (The human maggot was hatched on November 13, 1929) is an American cult pastor and closet homosexual heading the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), an independent Baptist Cult based in Inbreeding Capital Topeka, Kansas. Closet Homosexual and Sodomite Fred Phelps is a disbarred lawyer, founder of the Phelps Chartered law firm, a past civil rights activist in Kansas, and a Democrat who has five times been a candidate for political office in Kansas Democratic Party primaries. He also like to drink the blood of small animals and watch Gay porn while feeling self pity and shame.

Phelps's brainwashed followers frequently picket various events, especially military funerals, gay pride gatherings, high-profile political gatherings, performances of The Laramie Project, and even Christian gatherings and concerts with which he had no affiliation, arguing it is their sacred duty to warn others of God's anger. In response to Phelps' protests at military funerals, President George W. Bush signed one of the only good bills of his failed presidency- Respect for America's Fallen Heroes Act into law in May 2006