Thursday, January 16, 2014

Coprofilmia: Nukie

Way, way back in the mysterious and ancient time of 2002 my high school social studies teacher got his students in a discussion about a very serious topic that is still relevant today. Nuclear war. While the cold war is long over this was still something worth discussing with students who are entering a world filled with uncertainty. Things could change at a drop of the hat. I was young and naive and was more interested in making jokes about radiation giving people super powers than the actual devastating effect it has on the planet and it's people. Years later I've learned to stop worrying and love the bomb but there is something far more terrifying than the nuke, a creature from a hellish void in dark space sent to devastate and annoy the unsuspecting population of our insignificant world. It's not the nuke that scares me, it's the "Nukie"

But wait! What is this "Nukie" you ask? Why is this somehow worse than the gross abuse of God's creation that was splitting the atom? If anyone is out there reading this, I do apologize. You will feel a deep sinking in the pit of your stomach for you are witnessing the true face of terror. The unholy creation that is Nukie.

Neurofibromatosis has not been kind to Tommy Pickles

There have been a lot of interpretations of aliens throughout human history? Would they be smart? Would they be violent? What could they teach us? The movie Nukie, a South African knockoff of the Steven Spielberg classic "E.T: The Extraterrestrial" tells us that they are smart enough to master interstellar travel, but give them a boot filled with water and they would require a 12 hour lecture from acclaimed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking before they even come close to learning how to pour it out.

So let's begin shall we?

The movie starts with two twinkling lights up in space conversing about the goings on on Earth. It was at this point I was hoping one of the lights would be named Clarence and he was being sent to keep Jimmy Stewart from ending his life. I wish I was that lucky. In fact these are two space aliens by the names of Nukie and Miko. If one of them is a Japanese shrine maiden this movie could have had potential, at least then we could have spawned some sweet Nukie and Miko dating sims. But when I stop to think about romancing these aliens in Mass Effect I realize how much I'd rather make out with a compost heap.

Clarence, we've found an even more depressing movie for you to be involved in.

Because of their atrocious GPS system or whatever these stunted putty patrollers use to navigate both Nukie and Miko land on different parts of the world. Nukie lands in South Africa while Miko lands in America. Nukie spends much of this movie stumbling around like a drunken idiot in the savannas of Africa while Miko spends the bulk in a laboratory run by the vague American institute known as the "Space foundation". What follows is a confusing slog involving talking animals, starving african children and a nun helping people on the set of M.A.S.H.

Because suicide is painless, unlike watching Nukie.
Nukie meets these stereotypical tribal children who coincidentally speak the same language as him. At least in E.T. the creature slowly learns and adapts to English. Maybe Nukie has one of those universal translation badges used in science fiction so the writer doesn't have to explain how these different races can talk to eachother.

Shedding a tear for the portrayal of their people.
Nukie and Miko are trying to find each other and I can only guess why these two golem scrotums can communicate with eachother perfectly in the vacuum of space and are hopeless on Earth is that either the double eyes they keep in god knows what part of their bodies are dead or Nukie can't get any bars on his alien wifi out in the deserts of Africa. Either way is stupid because I'm forced to watch these fermented Garbage Pail Kids go nowhere fast for a run time that I could spend doing something more productive, like cutting myself.

There really needs to be a more efficient way to get rid of worms.

During this whole affair Miko is lying in a ventilation tent with two Gogurt tubes up his nose I assume (and hope) are pumping him full of harsh sedatives. Like any story where people find aliens they have to use the whole "The government owns this creature. They are going to do horrible tests on him. Who's the real monster? Why can't we all get along" shtick I've heard 735.88 trillion times (not a true estimate).

They don't even give Miko the dignity of a hospital gown.

You know District 9 was a story taking place in South Africa and it told it's message of rights abuses and unethical science infinitely better. I like to think the people working on that movie were at one of their Hollywood pot parties were pigging out on saltines and antipasto watching Nukie and thinking "Maaahn... I'm high but this still isn't good. We should do this concept better.."

If only Claritin worked on their species.

Eventually Nukie finds a couple of young African children, dressed in their best Resident Evil 5 attire and it's here I have to address the elephant in the room. South Africa and the whites perception of blacks.... HOLY CRAP I'm stopping there as I almost started a fire. Moving on!

Mixing a fresh bowl of Plagas for Chris Redfield.

Nukie meets a talking monkey... *stares into glass of Mountain Dew* Ahem.. Nukie meets a talking monkey. Yes. We've gone from bizarre attempts at social commentary and the ethics of treating alien life to something right out of MVP: Most Vivisected Primate. We're on monkey on the loose movie territory people. It's better than talking dog movies but not by much. It's at this point I run to fetch the Oxycontin but this time I just sat through it letting my mind become a blur. I start to forget what I'm watching and my brain sort of becomes this bland stream of consciousness.

Diddy Kong should have never signed on for this.

It was about the moment when Nukie had a dance number I started to reflect on my life. Wanting to start this blog. Was it the right idea? It's like having a bad day at work your first day of the office. Then I realized it's not the same. I mean to entertain on many fronts, the good and the bad. I just chose to torture myself day one. It will be over soon.

I think the African children were actually crying at the sight of this thing.

After a lot of bonding between alien and ethnic stereotype Nukie realizes he can go fly to Miko. So either he forgot he had this power or he didn't want to interrupt his iTunes download of Saturday Night Fever on his teleport module for extra battery power needed to fly west.

This movie was even less flattering to catholics than The Da Vinci Code

This was the point in the movie where I entered a brief coma. When I woke up, credits rolling, my mouth tasted of cigarettes (which was weird because I don't smoke) and I felt like I was just roughed up by a 7 foot tall Turkish bar hooligan named Armen Hakkim. All I know is this movie hurt me. It taught me that even if North Korea and Iran have the bomb, the world is plunged into a devastating age of nuclear fire, I can take comfort knowing that if there are aliens, they aren't Nukie and Miko. This creatures don't exist. I'd take tribal warmonger aliens with latex ridges on their foreheads than these.. conjuring of a fever dream any day.