"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise, it wont be boring. "

I wake up every morning happy. It takes me a few seconds to remember that you are gone and that you are never coming back.I cry. I sometimes ask God why. I talk to you up in heaven like you are here and ask you to come back. I get dressed. I take KD Puppy out. Thank God for her. Then I go to work, or I go and do whatever plans Ive made, trying to hold myself together the best that I can.I have pockets of a few minutes each day where its just normal, not grieving me. The rest of the day, I spend thinking about how you would have loved this little meal, this little conversation. How even if we were not together, which was rare, I would have enjoyed telling you about it later.I hate being alone.I hate being with other people.I hate being away from home.I hate being home. Each day I hope that tomorrow wont be quite as bad. I go to bed early, hoping that I can conjure you up in sleep. I hug my pillows and blankets like I used to hug you all night. I fall asleep from exhaustion. ​I wake up every morning happy, It takes me a few seconds to remember that you are gone and that you are never coming back.

The first time during our relationship that I was sick, I was sick to my stomach. Peter rubbed my back the whole time, sensing that it was extra-horrible for me. (It was , I had a number of years fighting stomach issues) I mean, he rubbed my back while I was puking. And then he brushed my hair to calm me. And then he rubbed my back when I finally laid down to let me know he was there. One of the most loving and special moments I have ever experienced. If at any time this becomes TMI, just scroll by. At this point, Im writing for Peter and for myself. If it makes you smile, keep reading stuff that I write. If not, I get it.

Peter was visiting. He still lived in Binghamton. We were in my house. The house that I was in throughout my marriage that had ended a while back. It was a happy house, but it had become a sad house. There is no other way to really explain it. At that time I was hoping to still be able to afford the house and make it a happy place again. So, prior to Peter's visit I had gotten this idea about stringing some solar lights in the backyard. I loved sitting out back, and thought that would be a lovely touch out there. We went to the store together, picking out a couple of beautiful lights that looked like flowers, and then some others to string around the deck and the bushes. It was fun shopping with him. He had a way of making everything magical. In the beginning, I used to think that he was just trying trying to entertain me to ease my broken heart. I later learned, no, that's just Peter. Anyway, we picked up a few things, and he planned to put these things up while I was at work on that Saturday. I came home to find :He had my favorite music playing.He had a beautiful table set.He had my favorite wine chilling. A delicious dinner in the oven. And then. He brought me outside, first putting his hands over my eyes. He removed his hands to show me the most beautiful backyard I had ever seen.My entire backyard was alive with lights. Lights around the trees, bushes. He put up a candle chandelier that I had in storage, hung it from a big tree and had candles burning from it. He had gone back and bought out the store in wrapping lights, and picked up more flower lights that fit in with the scheme we had planned. This will always be one of the most special memories and one of the most romantic nights of my life.

It was November of 2014 when Peter and I moved in to Chateau PM, our happy, beautiful lofty little place in the City of Tonawanda. It was one of the coldest winters in recorded history, but we didn't mind that so much. We carefully shopped for and curated our little place with items old and new, thrift and antique shopping, and filling in with eclectic little finds along the way. Artwork, furniture, or measuring cups, we picked it our together and found its place in our little home. We made great warm and beautiful dinners together. Well, mostly he cooked, and I set a beautiful table, picked the music, and cleaned up. We both felt like we won the lottery as we talked for hours on end about everything and nothing, many times late in to the night. On the snowiest nights we would just start walking and see what groovy little places we would find in our charming little neighborhood. Even in the winter, the City Of Tonawanda has some amazing scenic water views. It also has an eclectic mix of restaurants, shops, and lots of fun to be discovered if you only look for it. Some nights we might stumble upon and old pub filled with characters, or a great band playing. Some nights we would eat in beautiful restaurants, often getting to know the owners or other diners. We would walk home enjoying the softly falling snow and the moon and the water views. Usually holding hands and talking about our experiences of that day or night. We had friends over for great parties, brunches, small dinners. We both loved when our friends would play music on our piano and or guitar. A few times we even sat down and jammed (poorly) together. We had a blast. When the spring came we planted vegetables and flowers in pots , and got involved in our community garden. We went to hear local and national bands. We went to see show and plays. We had picnics, and rode our bikes to watch the sunset almost every night. Then we would sit on our little stoop porch among the plants and flowers and look up at the stars, sometimes sipping wine and always sharing stories.We talked about books and movies and politics and told the stories or our lives. We made all kinds of plans for the future. We enjoyed great times with our family, friends, and even strangers. Our home was bright with color and with spirit. We had figured it out. We felt almost like we were getting away with something that others hadnt figured out. We were madly and crazy in love. We thought that we had discovered the secrets of the Universe. This is "The Middle," and all I feel like talking about today. There is much more to our story, including our fun and crazy start, our incredibly strong love through all kinds of obstacles we could not have foreseen, and where that led us and what it taught us. This is what I felt like thinking about and sharing today.