You are a wonderful person. Yes, you have your flaws; be thankful you are aware of them. Never doubt yourself, and what you are capable of. You are strong, there is no other option. Do not allow self-pity. Just remember who you are and know that life will turn out the way it will. Make good choices and the rest will fall into place.

I’ll do a more thorough update later on, but I just figured it out..
Now this might be reaching a little bit, but I’m starting to think I’m meant to stay in Kitsap. I got out once, with Terence; shit hit the fan, things got ugly, and I went back to Bremerton, and now, as things are unfolding, it looks like I’ll be going back home, once again.

I’m secretly ecstatic.

And now here’s why:
My uncle Tim (who is a year and a half younger than me) told me he has a brain tumor; and they estimate it’s been growing since he was 12. That’s 9 years. He’s going to the Swiss Medical Center, on Friday, and they’re going to do some tests, and hopefully find out they can operate.

So there’s three scenarios that can happen, well, kind of four.

If they can operate:
I’ll go back to Washington for a few weeks, spend some time there; and depending on how it goes, either come back to Ohio, and stay a while, or come to Ohio to get my stuff, then go back to Washington.

But hold on.

I just had a thought: If I were to look at this positively, and they were able to operate, the ideal scenario would be me going back to Washington before his surgery and stay a couple weeks till we got good news. If they can’t operate, but he’s going to be fine, or as fine as he can be, I’d stay here, and visit for a few weeks this summer. If they can’t operate, and he’s not going to be fine, then I would probably stay here for a few more months, then move back to Washington sometime summer/early fall.. I’ll be damned if I don’t.

So there you have it.

What all that means:
Jake. Things with Jake have been off the past couple weeks. I’m 99% sure he’s been on his period. I started thinking about it a couple days ago, after some pretty hefty arguments, that maybe if I just step back and act like his friend, things will get better. It’s working, but it did backfire.. I’m kind of on the fence in deciding if what I feel would still be considered a romantic love, or if it’s digressed to a more kindred spirit kind of love, and relationship. I’m taking it day by day, but still looking forward to how this turns out. I wouldn’t be lying if I said, on the chance that it has, indeed, deviated, that would make it a lot easier to go back home. Although, it would still be hard with all my family here. But I know they would understand, and I hope they know it wouldn’t be the last time they saw me.

If, worst case scenario, I’d have cause to be back in Ohio within the year – knock on wood – I wonder what would happen with Jake. I don’t really think he’d be down to keep it up while I’m in Washington, so what would that mean when I came back? I’d be tempted to tell him I call dibs, permanently. I can only guess where he’ll be in a year. I guess I just have to look at it like if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. And I do, still, think mine and his souls have always known each other, and perhaps have gone through this many many times. I suppose you could say, while I’m respectfully holding back, I’m anxious to see how this turns out.

What would suck is if Tim’s situation worsened, while Jake and I’s relationship got better. I kind of doubt Jake would be down to move to Washington for an undecided period of time. That’s where the coming back after a while scenario came about. I don’t have the best feeling about it. But Walker, on the other hand, and I would be totally fine with Walker came with me. That would be an adventure.

And whatever happens, I’m taking Jake and Walker to hempfest this summer (August 17-18-19), for sure.

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I don’t have anyone to go to movies with, or go get some coffee and play “the point of this game is to be an asshole.” There’s no one to vent to or just escape for a little bit with. I really really miss my best friends.

bare w me: everyone will have two great loves of their life (as they perceive them to be); a perfectly pure, soul-enlivening, happy love, and a great love that went terribly wrong. a love that could have lasted a lifetime, but for some reason or another, it didn’t; it was torn apart. that being said. i’ve had my terrible love: terence. we all know how that went. and now i think i’ve stumbled across my fantastic love. i truly think the most random and heart-breaking decision i’ve ever made (moving to ohio) has gifted me w this treasure. i am happy, truly happy. the strange part, it’s like he is everything i wished terence was. like they are the same; two parts to one whole: me.

booyah.

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the way the light shines through a single-paned window onto an old mason jar full of honey.
the jar is sitting on a worn mahogany table.
it’s that most beautiful and glowing part of the night:
the golden hour on a summer’s night.
the light coming through the honey,

I like relationships because they’ve always been so different from the one before. Every time I think about how I’m feeling, it’s always bigger and better than what it was with the last guy. I don’t think there’s any beating this.

We had a conversation last night about how things happen because they were meant to happen. He said something along the lines of no matter what we decide to do to change the course we’re on, it doesn’t matter ’cause that was always the choice we were going to make. So the things we do were always going to be done. The choices we make were always going to be made.

I started thinking about that at work today and kind of fell in love with the idea. I feel this way because I was always going to feel this way. This is happening because it was always going to happen. This was always going to be exactly what it is.

This was always going to happen.
I like that thought. It’s very comforting.