Everyone thick as pig shit

The British public are as thick as fucking pig shit, it has been confirmed this morning.

When voters were asked to choose between lots and lots of pain and slightly less pain, a majority asked if they could have the options explained again more slowly.

The night with red faces in the Labour camp and Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee refusing to down from the roof of a multi-storey car park in Islington.

Experts put the low turnout reported in some areas down to the fact that most voters thought the election was on Friday.

And the wildly inaccurate polls that preceded the vote were explained when computer-illiterate pollsters admitted to adding things up on their fingers.

Political analyst, Simon Williams, said, “Even an amoeba is able to respond to an unpleasant stimulus such as Ian Duncan Smith’s opinions by adopting a worried face and scurrying away in the opposite direction.”

‘However, if you take the metaphorical amoeba that is the British public and repeat the same repulsive codswallop, it just sits there with a big stupid grin all over its rudimentary face.’

‘In some cases it even moves closer.’

Williams blames what he calls the Fifty Shades effect, insisting the public are either stupid or masochistic or both.

He added, “The last five years of coalition government can be compared to a badly-written sex scene, which the British public is gleefully consuming with one hand.”