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Crisis in the relationship: 3 years of living together behind, and ahead - some problems?

Most recently, you lived in love and harmony, notcould "breathe in" each other, and now you quarrel almost every day? Husband very much changed and stopped resembling the person you married for several years ago? It's only been three years since the wedding, and your marriage, literally, is bursting at the seams, and you do not know if you can continue to live together? Well, your situation is quite natural. If a few years after the beginning of family life you grab your head and do not know how to restore peace and peace to your home - most likely, your relationship has a family crisis of three years. The framework of the three-year crisis is very wide: sociologists and psychologists believe that the first serious problems in a young family begin 3-5 years after the wedding. Someone finds the strength to overcome this crisis, and someone does not withstand the pending troubles and submits for divorce. What happens after three years of starting a family life, why is the crisis coming and how to deal with it?

The causes of the crisis 3 years in a relationship

Listening to the parting words of relatives at the wedding that theywish you to learn to overcome difficulties in family life, you only smiled mysteriously and nodded wearily. Like, you know that in your family everything will be different, and no crisis or divorce will not threaten you - because you love each other so much! But several years have passed and you realized with horror that you do not know your husband at all: instead of loving, attentive and affectionate men, you see an angry, always displeased person every evening. You constantly scandal because of nonsense, mutual grievances grow like a snowball, and even sex after a quarrel does not save the situation. Why does this happen, what makes people like people seem to move away from each other? And the answer is pretty simple. For several years of married life, the husband and wife are just beginning to bore each other. The candy-buket period is far behind, romance and enthusiasm have disappeared in relations, now the husband and wife see each other in a completely different light. And if during the first and second year the newlyweds tried to please each other, to make pleasant, then in time they ceased to portray themselves as ideal spouses. All bad habits, ugly character traits get out, and young people appear to each other in true light - such as they really are. With his views on life and "cockroaches" in my head. It seems that love has passed and there is no longer any point in living further. Love is a wonderful feeling, but scientists have long ago proven that it is caused by certain chemical reactions in the brain. It is believed that love is divided into three stages: sexual attraction, romantic affection and stable relationships. With the first two everything is clear, it is thanks to them that people fall in love and unite in marriage. But a couple of years after 2-3 (all in different ways) after the beginning of a joint life, the third stage should come, and many young couples stumble about it. It is during this period that the so-called family "crisis of three years" begins. In a state of romantic love, we tend to idealize each other, not noticing the shortcomings or considering them sweet and funny. But the years pass, and the "happiness hormones" calm down, the veil falls off our eyes, and we see each other in true light. What seemed sweet and unimportant before, starts to irritate and cause discontent, and the desire to rebuild a partner at will, as a rule, does not bring success. Moreover, the sexual life of partners over time becomes more fresh, because the young couple gradually learned each other in bed. Less and less experiments, new postures and role-playing games - this simply does not have enough time or desire. Work, study, daily problems take too much energy to pounce on each other immediately upon arrival home. And if 2-3 years ago, spouses had sex almost every day, now it happens less and less often. There comes a real crisis of sexual relations, and dissatisfaction, as a rule, leads to new quarrels and scandals. Another serious reason for the crisis of three years of family life is the birth of a child. As a rule, 2-3 years after the wedding, the young couple have children, and their life changes radically. Now the young mommy devotes all her time exclusively to the child, she practically has no opportunity to give her husband caress and tenderness as she did before. Sleepless nights, baby cries and an eternal lack of sleep do not give her the physical opportunity to communicate with a man so eager for her attention. A husband at first simply feels uncomfortable with the life of the baby - well, he does not have a breast with milk to feel a special connection with the baby and be the main person in his life! And to change diapers, to walk in the evenings and get up every night to a crib often does not allow fatigue. After all, now the wife in the decree and does not work, but he needs to support a family of three people! Otherwise, in addition to the psychological crisis, the family will also be visited by the financial crisis. But only the wife does not get tired of reproaching the beloved in callousness and indifference towards the child. They say, he can not feed or change clothes. I'm spinning, say, at home like a squirrel in a wheel, while he is resting at his work, talking to friends, but he does not want to hit his finger at home. Yes, and in bed complete confusion is obtained. Many young mothers go to bed with their babies, sending the lawful husband to "rest" on the sofa or in another room, "so as not to interfere." Some women go so far as to no longer understand, in principle, how to change a dream with a child, so deliciously smelling of milk and freshness, to sleep with a tired husband. Months and years pass by, and the husband never returns to his lawful matrimonial bed. As a result, the spouses move away from each other more and more and even start thinking about divorce. Of course, not only the wife is to blame for the crisis after the birth of the child. Very often, men can not forgive their wives that attention to the baby is taken from them by a "legitimate share" of affection and attention. And the fact that after the birth of a child the way of life of spouses changes - you do not take a walk, go to a nightclub or go to gatherings with friends - and at all demoralizes young parents. And they quarrel, swear, not understanding that all of their problems are solved - you just need to be able to understand everything and agree with each other.

Work on relationships or divorce?

Unfortunately, more than 37% of Russian marriagesdisintegrate in 3-4 years after the beginning of a joint life. All of us - both men and women - have our own idea of ​​what a real family should be like. And, unfortunately, imagining an ideal relationship, we are clearly aware only of what should get from the husband: attention, care, help, love. And when we do not get it, we start to blame it and consider our marriage a mistake. And the fact that we ourselves must invest something in our relations, for some reason we do not think about it, considering that the very fact of our existence with a man in the "one plane" is already a sufficient gift for him. Once, an old, wise teacher gathered the girls-girls around and asked them one question: "How do you want to see your future husband?" The answers were followed by plenty: smart, handsome, generous, kind, rich, cheerful. And then she asked another question: "What exactly are you ready to do so that he is exactly like that?". This is the question that no schoolgirl could answer, because such thoughts never occurred to them. We women are queens and princesses, and for our sake, men have to do things, improve themselves and make us happy every minute. So we believe. Unfortunately, in real life this does not happen. The fact that the relationship between a man and a woman requires constant work is a well-known fact. Only for many, this fact remains empty words, and as soon as a serious family crisis occurs, both spouses often drop their hands and find the only way out of the situation - a divorce. But there are no ideal people, we all change during life. Pass the year, we have new advantages and disadvantages, and nothing can be done about it. The main thing is to remember that a happy and successful marriage is not one where there are no problems (this does not even happen in fairy tales), but the one where they are able to solve them. And since you have chosen each other among hundreds and thousands of other men and women, then probably your relationship is worth fighting for. And how - we'll tell you now.

How to overcome the family crisis

Sometimes a woman is very irritated in behaviorMen are such little things as scattering of socks and inability to fill a bed with him. She begins to read him lectures and try to accustom him to order, which, however, is quite fair. Only more often than not the true cause of discontent with his man lies in something else - there is a problem that none of the partners want to voice. Perhaps, you have ceased to arrange a sexual life, and maybe, to blame for everything - the deterioration of the financial situation in the family. Either way, you should seriously dig into the causes and consequences of your discontent, and the best way to do this is to discuss the problems aloud. Once you stop silencing intimate and other serious problems, things will go from the dead end. It must be remembered that men differ from us, women, and talk baffling with them - only time to lose. The reasoning that you expect him to care and love, only confuse him, because he is sure that he loves you enough. It is necessary to speak directly and openly about what you expect from your husband: every night take out a trash can, once a week help prepare dinner, go to the cinema for a weekend, etc. Such points of your demands will rather be settled in his rational head, rather than abstract desires. Despite the fact that you have lived in marriage for several years and the romance has somehow evaporated in your relationship, everything can be fixed. Forget about domestic turmoil, problems at work and quarrels, and arrange a surprise for a loved one. It can be a romantic candlelight dinner, a new sexy lingerie, a touching gift. Show your husband that, despite 3 years, lived together, you love him the same way as on the day of the wedding. Perhaps, then he will remember that you are not just a grumpy wife with a bunch of claims, but a favorite woman, whom he dreamed about and sought. The crisis of three years is not a catastrophe, but the opportunity of the spouses to prove that they did not in vain submit an application to the registrar. If the crisis in the family came after the birth of the child, then think about this: children will sooner or later grow up and flop out of their native nest, and the husband is the person with whom you have to spend the remaining years of life. And it's up to you whether these years will be filled with mutual understanding and love or tired annoyance. Nobody detracts from the importance and importance of the birth of a baby, but you need to find time to communicate with your husband, otherwise the crisis will drag on. Children are different: capricious, calm, temperamental and melancholic. But the general quality is absolutely in all children: sometimes they sleep. At this time you can afford to have sex, talk, drink tea, finally. You can love your child anything, but the husband should be sure that you love him no less! Do not give up the help of grandparents if they are willing to sit with the child. This will help you reduce the crisis to a minimum. Free from worries about the baby watch you can devote to each other and have a good rest. Remember that the child will be happy if next to him will be happy, loving each other's parents. But if you constantly suffer, shedding tears because of the brutality of the spouse and reproaching the husband in countless mistakes, then such an emotional background will affect the baby not in the best way. Of course, the husband simply has to take an active part in the care of the child, but sometimes men do not have enough time or energy for this. Working for two, the husband does not always be able to stand up at night and calm the baby or go with him in the evening for a two-hour walk. Unlike you, he can not take a nap a couple of hours at work, and not sleep for days to prove you his love - an unreasonable decision. Moreover, try to arrange your husband's leisure after work - give him the opportunity to remain alone with his hobby or passion. It is very important for him to have a personal space in the house where he can rest from the surging problems. Few of the men under 40 are able to realize their paternity immediately after the birth of the child; they usually start to like to fiddle with children at the age of 2-3 years, when they already behave more sensibly. In the meantime, let him be engaged in a child about 15 minutes a day, but sincerely and with love, than you will force him to sit and take care of the baby for several hours a day during the first year. And the fact that women literally expel men from a matrimonial bed after the birth of a child - in general, a separate conversation. Some of them sleep with babies up to 5-6 years, completely forgetting that physical intimacy is one of the most important components in the relationship with the husband. They themselves are pushing their men to infidelity, because they feel that they do not need anyone at home. As a result, such a crisis turns into "the beginning of the end" - how many years your husband will withstand sexual loneliness? Year? Two years? And notice, rare sexual contacts during the day - do not count. When a husband is sleeping with his wife, a special bond is formed between them, capable of overcoming all obstacles and adversities of family life. A man must feel your breathing, your heartbeat, he must tune in to your biorhythms and embrace you every night - then no crisis can destroy your family life. The family crisis of three years is a completely natural phenomenon. Days, months, and years pass by - and from young, romantic-minded lovers, people become ordinary pragmatists with quite earthly views on life. In order that the crisis does not destroy your family home, you need to accept each other as you are and openly discuss the problems that arise. Remember that still some two or three years ago you went mad with happiness at the thought that you will spend your whole life with this person. Has love really run out? Or maybe it was not love that disappeared, but a desire to work on relationships? If you value your man and try to resolve all family conflicts, then no crisis will prevent you from living with your spouse for a long time and happily. We advise you to read: