LOCOG has warned patriotic members of the public about the dangers of re-using Jubilee flags. Devoid of sponsorship logos and sometimes home-made, Lord Coe insisted the wilful use of a non-Olympic flag was 'so disloyal, it could be regarded as treason’.

Accountants for the Olympic spirit have noticed a depressing trend amongst the public, and have spoken of ‘a creeping tendency away from over-priced, gaudy shit’. Coe believes it’s just this sort of attitude that could undermine British athletes and drive away the support of their long-suffering ‘partners’, “McDonalds aren’t sponsoring us for the good of their health”, Coe announced through a mouthful of nuggets. “Using an old, home-made flag to celebrate the reign of the queen is one thing, but taking money away from corporate sponsors is another altogether.”

Coe believes no expense should be spared in educating the British public, so that they can foist an authorised and appropriate flag with unwavering commitment. “With the Queen's Jubilee and the London Olympics coinciding with an alarming surge in support for the far right, sporting a flag has never been more confusing”, explained Coe. “How else are my snipers supposed to tell the difference between a sports fan, and some thug wielding a hand-drawn flag that can only promote hate crimes?”

Experts acknowledge that the nuances of flag-use can be confusing, and have welcomed attempts to cheapen the national emblem to the point where it can no longer be considered racist. “Subtle additions of logos do a great job of removing excessive pride from a flag”, insisted professor of heraldry Arthur Trumpton. “In fact some have been disfigured so successfully, they actually trigger feelings of disgust.”

LOCOG are taking the matter seriously, and want to encourage people with leftover flags to burn them in the streets. “It’s your civic duty to pile up any unolympic flags you might come across, and set fire to them with one of our official torches”, said a spokesman. “The press have claimed that this could alienate some Euro 2012 supporters, but frankly, I very much doubt the issue will come up.”

Trumpton has one last word of advice for inexperienced flag users; “It’s critical to make sure it’s hanging the right way up”, he confirmed. “It’s easy to remember: The Coca-Cola logo should always go in the top left corner.”

Lovely angle on this. Could go further with the EURO 2012 thread and say something like "If you can't get the old flag off the back of a Millwall fan, just set light to him as well. It's a win-win situation."