The 7 stages of accidentally watching a sex scene with your parents

Sex: people cry about it, laugh about it, debate about it and shout about it. But no matter how different people’s sexual preferences are, the universal truth remains that sex is something that should never, ever be watched with your parents.

But there is hardly a film nowadays, unless you’re going to stick to Pixar, that does not have a sex scene. So by the time you are the ripe old age of 23, like me, you will be well accustomed to the seven stages of accidentally watching excitable lovemaking on the TV, with your parents sitting right next to you.

1. Blissful ignorance

You’re sitting there cosily, sipping on your tea, enjoying watching two fully-clothed actors on the screen. Then suddenly…

2. Sinking realisation

Oh god, oh god, oh god. They are moving closer to each other and they’ve got that look in their eye. This can only mean one thing. Let’s just hope the inevitable shagging does not involve full frontal nudity.

3. Impending horror

You can handle kissing scenes, just about, as long as no tongues are in view. But these two bloody actors, so happily fully dressed only moments earlier, are now ripping each other’s clothes off. Your parents are here. YOUR PARENTS ARE HERE.

4. Mind games

The sex begins. They are in a bed, but they could be on Mars for all the difference this makes. You snuggle deeper into your blanket and pretend you are watching this with anyone else. Anyone else in the world – your old headmaster, your boss, your ex-boyfriend. Anyone but the two people who created you by participating in this same sorry act.

5. Obvious tension

Maybe you will try to make a joke of it by mumbling ‘This is awkward!’, your father will loudly cough or your mother will shoot you an unsubtle sideways glance to see how you are coping. Whichever way you three decide to cope, everyone is increasingly uncomfortable, and everyone is pretending it’s not happening.

6. Disbelief

Why is it going on for so long? Why?! This man is supposed to be having sex with a gorgeous actress who is regularly ranked among the world’s hottest women. By all accounts, it should have finished by now.

7. Giving up

There’s no longer any point pretending you are a mature adult who can witness full on copulation with your parents sitting right there. It’s time to stop wishing you were dead. Act like you need a wee and get the hell out of there.

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