I’ve made a mess of relationships because I was so busy trying to protect women from aggression that I completely overlooked the one thing they were dying for from me.

I used to think women were only afraid of aggression in men, in all its forms: anger, rage, physical violence, verbal abuse, sexual aggression, rape.

I grew up with all kinds of conflicting social messages about the wrongs (and subtle rights) of violence against women. With three sisters and two mothers (married to my two fathers), I learned early there was something inherently special about women, that they were different from men not just in body parts, but in essence. I knew they should be protected and respected.

In addition to the daily masculine aggression towards women I encountered outside my home, I also watched my alcoholic step-father terrorize my mother, me and two sisters with an explosive rage. Seeing these beautiful, brilliant women in my life routinely recoil in the face of a horrifying masculine aggression only reinforced my ideas about a woman’s singular fear.

I learned to loathe the thought of making a woman feel unsafe in my presence. I wanted to make women feel good, to like me, and I had seen how aggression made them not feel good, how it made them hate a man.

So I did my best to never express aggression with a woman.

Even sexually.I shut down sexually towards women for fear that my desire would be interpreted by them as aggression. Throughout my dating life and well into relationships, until I was 100% certain a woman welcomed a next step with me, I would not proceed with a next step. A woman had to practically stick her tongue down my throat before I understood that kissing her was welcome.

I castrated myself in countless ways to protect women from any hint of masculine aggression in me.

I often practiced what I believed was the most certain way to make a woman feel safe: I made myself invisible to her.

LaVladina/Flickr

Whether that meant backing down, staying out of her way, leaving the room, or simply pretending I didn’t want to ravage her when I so desperately did, I made myself as non-threatening in a woman’s presence as I could position myself to be.

I taught myself how to disappear. To save her from what I thought was her primal fear of my aggression.

I was completely missing what was really happening.

In the last few years I’ve discovered something women fear even more in men than mere aggression. It’s something far more common in our everyday world. Something us men even fear in ourselves, though most aren’t even conscious we’re doing it.

A feminine woman is most afraid of her masculine man disappearing.

She’s afraid of him failing to show up for her. Not stepping up. Walking out. Not staying strong and present, particularly when things get a little crazy and confusing.

A woman’s deepest desire is to be cherished. When a man leaves, even just emotionally if not physically, she is left completely un-cherished. Aggression is simply the extreme expression of a man not cherishing a woman.

I checked out for years when my women got too emotional for me, especially when they were angry. I thought if they just saw things differently – if they saw things like I see them – everything would be fine. So I tried like mad to convince their minds to shift. Which rarely worked. They weren’t waiting to have their intellects adjusted. So I would constantly give up and run, even when I stayed in the room.

If she fought me long enough, eventually I fought back. A feminine woman can’t out-masculine me. I will win that battle. And I did. Every time. But I really only ever lost. So did she. Heartbreaking how blind I was to what was actually going on.

I realize now she was simply screaming out her fear, desperate for me to step up strong and claim her heart, to let her know without a doubt that I’m here, not going anywhere, that she’s safe in my love, to simply reassure her deeply that I got her and won’t let anything bad happen to her … like only a healthy masculine man could reassure her.

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Women weren’t just afraid of my aggression. They were afraid of my leaving, which ironically I was doing in countless ways often to avoid my own innate aggression which scared me, too.

Had I known this deeper truth, I likely would have married my last girlfriend. Instead, I labeled her immature and mean, and I ran in every direction. I couldn’t stand in the illusory fire of her pain – a pain largely caused by masculine abandonment in her past. I was so triggered by her pain, so caught up in my own, that I couldn’t reassure her that I loved her and would hold her safe as she learned to trust again. I lost the woman I loved most in my life because I could’t see what was really happening; what she was really asking of me.

She was asking me to step up and fight for her heart.

Fight what? Fight myself. Fight my desire to run. To check out. To disappear. She was begging me to be aggressive with my own inner demons, and perhaps hers, too, in the battle for her sacred feminine heart. I lost that battle. She’s married to another man now.

Oh what fine messes of hearts I helped create over the years. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I see now. I’m growing up. I’m a Man. Eager to share what I’ve learned through so much pain, with other men who don’t yet see, but who are ready to.

Bryan – it’s been a long time since a piece of writing immediately touched my heart and made me cry. For whatever reason, something within me resonated deeply with your words but also something else, beneath the words. Thank you for writing this. Thank you more for sharing it.

We all expand from our experiences if we’re wiling. I wonder, though, Bryan. Is this our only way of seeing masculinity? Is this really the biggest fear all women have? It seems that part of what feminism has taught me is that the feminine varies in degrees and qualities from woman to woman. I think the same is true for the masculine. In addition, it seems both genders carry both a feminine and a masculine side. The variables become endless! This is a miracle of life—that we all are able to be individuals sharing unique experiences. There are no blueprints!… Read more »

For sure, Timothy. We are a rich tapestry of beings all embodying varying amounts of the vast human experience among us!! Living in a world of duality as we do (light/dark, up/down, inside/outside, left/right, etc.), these two distinct forces are at play in each of us – the masculine and the feminine. Most men embody more of the masculine. Most women embody more of the feminine. Because I am a man and embody more of the masculine, I have a proclivity towards certain behaviors that simply feel good when I express them in a healthy way. That’s simply what this… Read more »

Your post makes all women sound weak and emotionally unstable. I was with a woman for many years that matched your description to a T, and I went through the same journey you did before I realised that I didn’t want to live like that anymore. Why should I have to be something I’m not because someone else didn’t want to face and deal with their past emotional issues? The fact is there are many mature, rational, caring women out there who appreciate a mature, rational and caring guy, I’m with one right now who adores me for me sensitive… Read more »

There’s certainly something to be said for choosing wisely, Josh. Amen to that, brother! Still, I know myself well enough to know that I want a woman who challenges me to rise to my best self. She won’t be an “easy” woman. She’ll certainly be more mature, but I don’t think she’ll necessarily always be “rational” for I’m attracted to feminine women and “rational” is not at the core of the feminine gift. A beautiful sunset is not rational, the flowing dance of this very moment is not rational … life itself defies rational. This deserves a longer discussion for… Read more »

When I faced a bad diagnosis, I could feel the ground fall out from beneath me…fear makes you act…and react in strange ways…looking back, I just needed to just stay still and talk it out…and just have someone listen…and just listen….or put his arm around me…and ask the right questions… I freaked out once in my doctor’s office when I got some bad news…to him, it was a routine procedure…to me, it was like the world was about to blow up…I was sweating and talking fast and nonsensical…and my heart was beating out of my chest….my doctor looked at me… Read more »

Amen. It seems like a lot of people–men and women–confuse “being strong” with “being aggressive,” but the two are not always the same thing. Far from it. In fact sometimes being aggressive is very easy; being strong almost never is. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and were together for almost 7 years before that. In that time I have been through some horrible health crises, both physical and mental. He knew when he married me that I came with heavy medical baggage, including the reality that due to my health problems, I could not have… Read more »

The writer may have come to his dificult place in his own way, but it’s a place recommended-even demanded–by many. He’s like a reformed SNAG, except he was defrauded by his personal experience instead of society’s endless insistence. What he thinks he should have done in variouis circumstances would have gottten him a ration from a good many of the women he may have been seeing, plus society’s CW in general. How do you “fight” for a woman’s heart? The verb presumes resistance or conflct. It’s not nice to force yourself against a woman’s resistance, so it probably means something… Read more »

It’s not nice to force yourself against a woman’s resistance… Actually, it very well can be. If you’re suffering from “nice guyitis” she’s just eliminated you from the potential pool of pursuers. Read those gothic romance novels that are #1 sellers amongst women. They want a man to show initiative. I didn’t see in the article where the authors suggested “forcing” himself on anyone, merely healthy assertiveness that for the last 40 years men have been preached by feminist not to be. It’s a small group of radical feminists who preach permission granting every step along the way during the… Read more »