People I hate on Facebook

August 14, 2014

Spurred on by the popularity of the people I hate on Twitter post, I decided to bite the hand that feeds a little harder. This should be easy. People who really need to evaluate their life decisions on social media like Facebook are terribly hard to unfriend. Because you either love to watch the drama unfold or you’re forced by the delicate political environment within your family / workplace / life in general to keep an oar in there. So, I just vent about this stuff on my blog instead. Works for me.

1. Couples who chat on FB
Now, I’m not talking about really young couples, people who are just flirting or private messages or chats between loved ones. I mean actual couples who frigging live together who frequently write to each other in the public Facebook space. Seriously. Are you sitting beside each other on the couch while you write this mush? Do you actually think we care that you’re so much looking forward to spending the weekend with your boyfriend even though you live together so you see each other every day that you have to post on his wall about it? Just so he can reply and shower you with winky faces and emoji hearts? Ugh. Why are you doing this? Just turn your head marginally to the side and speak to each other!

2. People who share stuff that just obviously isn’t true
Of course they don’t think to Google any of this before they hit share. The photos and the graphics are just too pretty to require any further research. So now I end up with a news feed full of:
“Fluoride is the reason your cat hates you”
“Random actor is dead in vicious seal attack”
“Stuff that is supposed to promote the concept of family but is actually a thin veil for demeaning women/gay people/poor people/foreign people/people who aren’t like me”
“Rubbing an onion on your tits will cure cancer, as long as you’re high”
“Large, evil corporation has just received a patent allowing them to kill any lizard who doesn’t adhere to their corporate colour palette”

and, my all time favourite:

“Facts I just made up to shit on people who need benefits because their lives aren’t hard enough already and I don’t like my job so I need someone to kick”

Ugh. Ok. Some of these people were unfriended. But how did I attract them in the first place? That’s the real question here.

3. The passive aggressive complainer
Oh my god. We get it. You have a terrible life. Except we don’t really get it, because you won’t ever fully explain anything, you just hint and bitch and tease and if some kind soul actually does reach out to you, you won’t ever answer directly. But we’ll know when it gets better because you’ll post more indecipherable statuses with more of a ‘smug’ feel about them. Ugh. Just go back to sharing chain letters, please. As crazy as those are, at least I can understand them. You know, like:

4. The bizarre chain letter sharer“95% of people don’t read my statuses. To prove that you are not one of these uncaring freaks who for some reason doesn’t realise how important I am, please post a one word status that details exactly how we met. Then tally up the the number of days since we met, divide that by the number of hours since your last period and then multiply that by 69 (LOL!) and that’s the number of people you have to tag when you share this status”

Or

“78.245% will keep scrolling. These people are obviously hard hearted bastards who love cancer. If you don’t love cancer and you want to help a team of highly skilled scientists to beat it, you will share this status with all your friends. This is the only way to prove your feelings against cancer, far more effective than simply donating time or money to a cancer charity, or even than offering personal support to a cancer sufferer. This show of general anti-cancer sentiment really helps people who are struggling while leaving you plenty of time to keep playing that insipid Facebook game that you keep bugging everyone else to play. Oh, and I’ll be watching and noting down the people who don’t share this status in my big book of judgment.”

5. The bragGood for you. You were nominated for an award. You should definitely put this on Facebook, as it’s the kind of thing your friends and family will be interested in and most will be genuinely happy for you. But obviously, not happy enough for your liking. Sure, they ‘liked’ the status. But they didn’t freak out. They obviously need to be schooled. Delete that status. Write a new one. Ensure it spells out exactly how PRESTIGIOUS this award is.

It’s really, really important. If they haven’t heard of the Dougie Dougson Award then they’re living under a rock. They need to trust you when you tell them that it’s all anyone who works in Project Management for Digital Sectors ever thinks about and it’s a REALLY BIG DEAL. Seriously. They should all be offering to take you out for steak dinners. It’s sad that they don’t realise how lucky they all are to have direct access to you, because when you win this thing you are going to be so important you might have to unfriend half of them for not being important enough.

Yup. There it is. Not the most obvious people to hate on Facebook, but there are enough of those lists on the internet already. I decided to go for a specialised group of annoyances. I feel better now.