Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I need to whine for a minute.

I'm tired of being cold. I've been cold since October, pretty much, and I'm tired of it. I'd like, just for a day or two, to be not just warm enough, but warm. Hot, even. My friend got me those hand warmer things -- little pouches that you snap and shake and they are like portable heating pads for about ten hours -- and they're lovely, but I'd like to not need them. I'd like to be warm for a couple of days.

I'm tired of things in my apartment not working. I blew a fuse for the second time this morning. I was running my microwave, hair dryer, and television all at the same time, and a fuse blew. Seriously, when it blew, those were the only things on in that circuit. Unless the fridge kicked in and that's what sent it over the edge.

I'm tired of not finding a drummer. The guy I had was great, if you don't count his disappearance factor. Anyone know a drummer who wants to join a rock project?

But mostly, I'm tired of being cold. It saps away all of my energy and makes me not want to do anything. I need to be doing things right now, but all I want to do is curl up under blankets with my cat on my lap and sleep. So Mother Nature, seeing as it's February tomorrow, could you crank up the heat just a few degrees? Instead of waking up in the morning and seeing that it is FOUR outside, what if it was forty? Sometime soon? Please? Thanks so much!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Okay, I know this is going to come out sounding awful, but I really don't mean it that way. It's a strange observation for me that has me, I dunno, reexamining myself or something.

I'm not used to being one of the smaller female cast members. We all know I'm not shaped like a lollipop girl; I have curves. Some maybe more curvy than they should be, but I have them and they're nice. The vast majority of the people I know think they're nice. But as an actress, I'm usually amongst the bigger members of the cast. Let's face it, there are a lot of anorexic looking actresses out there, and they usually get the lead roles. But in the show I'm doing now, all of the actresses are normal-sized. We're all curvy women. And it's really bizarre for me to be one of the smaller ones. I put on this dress today that I would never in a million years actually wear because in once scene, I was cast as Lust, and it's really strange to be the sexy one. Really strange.

I dunno. I have a lot of people right now trying to pound into my head that not only am I a beautiful person, I'm physically beautiful, too. It's really strange to be confronted with that on an almost daily basis.

I would like to say that I think all of the women in this cast are beautiful and sexy. I'm mostly just not used to being one of them.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

So yesterday was one of those days that I could have used a do-over. It just...yeah.

But perhaps the worst part of it was that one of the dogs in the office where I work got hurt. I think she cut her paw on the backyard fence as she was digging underneath it, but it was a bad cut. Down to the bone. And I was the one who discovered she was hurt. Poor baby comes limping at me when I call her to come back inside; she hardly even made a sound. But I ran to get my boss and we both sprung into action to get her to a vet as quickly as we could and she's fine. She has one of those cone things around her neck, but she's fine.

The disturbing part about it was that the vet asked how long ago the injury took place. In our case, it was less than an hour before we got the dog to the vet. But the fact that she had to ask that question means there are people out there who will let an animal sit with a gaping wound for extended periods of time before getting help for the animal. How sick is that? She was cut down to the bone. Of course we were going to drop everything and take her to the doctor. There are people who wouldn't? How could you not? How could you look at an animal suffering like that and not do something to help?

I know there are a lot of people out there championing human rights causes, and I think they are wonderful for doing so. I want to be a champion for animals because they can't ask for help if they need it. They so often get the short end of the stick and if I can do something about that, I'm going to.

No, I'm not seeing this turning into a crusade. But it is why, even though I don't make a lot of money, I still donate to animal rights organizations, while I may pass up some human rights ones. I want to make it so that every animal who needs help gets it. That day. Not when it's convenient for the owner.

Monday, January 22, 2007

So yay Bears, huh?

I'm thinking I'm a closeted sports fanatic. Gimmie a sport, tell me who to cheer for, and I'm all about it. I love the clapping of hands, the yelling at the TV screen (or at the players if I'm at an actual game), the comraderie that develops amongst fans for the duration of the game. And I think I have to admit that I like a good healthy dose of competition. It's good for you once in a while.

I don't know that football will become my sport of choice, though, for a couple of reasons. One -- your team only plays one game a week. Call me a crack whore, but one game a week isn't enough for me. Two -- living in Chicago, my only real chance to go to a football game would be in winter when it's way too cold for me to justify sitting outside for five hours.

But yeah, I like sports. I'll admit it. The Chicago Cubs still are and always will be my first sports love, but I could get into other games, too. Now I just gotta find a boy who isn't frightened by my, um, enthusiasm.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

So another chapter of my life comes to a close. I wish I could say amiably, but right now, I think there is still a lot of misplaced anger and hurt feelings. Someday that will all clear up and we'll all be good. I know that. I had a lot of fun and learned a lot of really important things. Perhaps most importantly, I learned how not to do things. And I think that in general, I'm okay with this chapter closing because it opens me up to a whole bunch of new opportunities. And it means a lot less time that I will have to spend feeling mediocre.

I don't know. I'm pensive today. Lot to think about. Who to trust and who not to. Why I beat myself up about things. What I want to do with my life. What is it time to let go of and what should I hold on to. Whether the choices I'm making or am about to make are good ones. Whether or not I can afford to make bad ones. That kind of stuff. I know I'm being very vague and that is intentional. All of it will be okay and I'll be fine. Just a lot on my mind today.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

And I know you all have this idea that I'm intelligent and well adjusted and whatnot, but I have a confession to make that may change all of that. Or part of that.

See, as part of my new year's non-resolution, I made a promise to be nice to myself on a regular basis. This is a good thing. I even told one guy that at the new year's eve party I went to and he asked if he could steal it. (Side note: burnt cashews are awful!) So I've been trying to think of things that I can do to be nicer to myself. I did place an order with the wonderful online vegan store that is linked over in the margin there and I have to say that I just feel good when I do that. Sometimes I'll order stuff that I don't even need, just so I can support them. Seriously, they're that good. Good selection. Competitive prices. All of their products are high quality. And above all, their customer service is top notch. Seriously. Other companies should take lessons from them on how to conduct customer service. Friendly. Personal. Things you ordered arrive on time through the shipping method you chose and if you ever have to return anything, they're really cool about it. I honestly want everyone in the world to order things from them, just because they are that good of a store. Regardless of whether or not you're looking for vegan wares. Order a peanut butter cup or something -- they're really tasty. Or some shoes. If you didn't know they were vegan, you wouldn't know they were vegan.

Anyway, so I did that. But I realized that I am meanest to myself when it comes to my physical appearance. Granted, I will be remembered as a woman with one of the best all-time heads of hair, because I do have great hair. And I do like my hands -- they're cute and delicate. And more and more as of late, I've been liking my eyes. But the whole middle section...I beat myself up about it all of the time. And I'm tired of doing that. It's counterproductive. Especially when I am interested in pursuing careers in industries that require me to sell myself -- tell people how great I am. If I don't buy it, why would they?

Side note: I still know that I'm an exceptional person, a good musician, and a very talented actor. But let's be honest, you can't see talent in a headshot and if I can't even get in there for an audition...

I have, in the past, tried all kinds of things to improve my physical appearance. I've done Pilates. I bought an exercise bike. I walk lots of places. I have workout tapes and dumbbells. I'm a vegan, so you know I eat healthy. Most of the time anyway. But I still have this gargantuan ass following me around everywhere I go. Doesn't matter how many squats or leg lifts or donkey kicks I do, my ass just doesn't get any smaller. And I don't like it. Yes, I know that a study just came out proving that men prefer women with curves to anorexic types. I'm not saying I want to look anorexic. (And it's not all about my attractiveness to men. I know a lot of men who like my butt just the way it is. I think I'd rather be with a man who likes me for me, though, not for my butt.) I'm saying I want to feel like I'm proportional. I want to try on a dress that fits me in the bust, waist, and hips without major alterations. I want to be able to buy jeans at places like Old Navy or the Gap because they're cheaper than the designer jeans I have to buy now to accommodate my rear. And with all of the things I have tried in the past, I've finally come to the conclusion that the only way to get rid of my butt is to diet. You can't be a hundred pound person with a gargantuan ass. It just doesn't work that way. One can only lose so much weight from elsewhere before your body starts absorbing it's largest fat stores -- the derriere.

Side note: my goal weight is not 100 pounds. That would be very unhealthy for a person my height. I was exaggerating so that you all get the idea.

And I know, diet is such an ugly word. But I'm doing it. I found this diet online that has a vegetarian option and you are, theoretically, supposed to drop ten pounds in eleven days. I'm on day six and I've lost six pounds, so I guess I'm on track, huh? I don't know how much of it is water weight -- they tell you to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, so I'm peeing every ten minutes -- versus actual weight. But after the eleven days, you are supposed to not diet for three days, and then if you want to, you can do the thing again. I printed out a few different eleven-day menus for myself, so hopefully I won't get bored with it or sick of it. Nutritionally, I have my bases covered, so no worries about that. I am paying attention to calorie intake, to make sure I'm getting enough but not too much. And so far, it's going okay.

So yeah, that's my nice bit of being imbalanced. I'm on a diet to shrink my butt. I guess it's better than getting liposuction, though, huh?

So the presidential race. I'm kind of excited that it's coming up, because it means Mr. 32% Approval Rating won't be around much longer. Unless he passes some legislation to allow presidents to serve more than two consecutive terms, but I don't think he'd get that through the now Democratic Congress.

But things are starting to get exciting. Sounds like Kerry, maybe Edwards, possibly Hilary, and potentially even Obama will run. I don't know how involved in primary stuff I want to get because honestly, I'd vote for any of those four. But I think I'm secretly hoping that Obama runs and wins the whole thing. I guess it's not secretly anymore, is it? He is an intelligent man. He sees that things aren't necessarily this or that; that there is such a thing as grey area. And maybe they're right; maybe his lack of experience is a good thing. Maybe he's not jaded yet. Maybe he's not anyone's puppet yet. Maybe if he waited another eight or twelve years to run, he would be. But maybe what we need right now is a president with a fresh perspective. What am I saying? We need a president with a fresh perspective. This whole "stay the course" thing has really gone sour. So sour, even Shrub admits it's not going so well. But Obama makes me feel at ease when he speaks. Like I could trust him (as much as you can trust any politician). I don't think it will be an easy campaign for him, but at least they got the drug usage thing out of the way already. I dunno. I want to do more research, but if the presidential elections were today, I think I'd have to go with Obama.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Okay, today I'm not going to bitch about the cold or apologize for the lapse in time since my last post or justify this diet I'm on. No, today, I'm going to post a story. See, at my old job where I was bored all of the time, I used to spend entire days exchanging MySpace messages with a friend of mine. And one day I wrote this story for him to keep him entertained. I had forgotten about it, but he just sent it back to me and I have to say, I write a good off-the-cuff-silly story. So enjoy! (And to the creators of Homestar Runner, please take it as a compliment that I adopted your word "burninate" for usage in this story. It is intended as a tribute, not a slight.)

Once upon a time there was a dragon named Leo. Leo liked to burninate things. A LOT!

Leo lived in a part of the world known as Mallowbrook, named for the river that flowed through it, the Mallow River. The River got it's name from the marshmallow factory that used to run at the mouth of the river and that would often dump it's waste material into the river. Hence, the Mallow River was kind of thick and milky looking. Not exactly the kind of river that people would want to build a city around, but EXACTLY the kind of river that Leo, the burninating dragon, loved.

One day, down by the river, Leo heard a voice coming out of nowhere.

"Get away from my river!"

He had no idea who could be so furiously possessive about his river. Yes, Leo liked to burninate things, but he was happy to share the abundant milky waters of the Mallow River with whoever might want to partake. In all truth, he was hoping a cute lady dragon might pop by one day and save him from his loneliness.

"Get away from my river!" the voice yelled again.

"Um, hullo?" called Leo. "Who are you, and may I see a copy of the deed stating that this is, in fact, your river?"

"The what?" replied the voice.

"Your deed for the river. If it is, in fact, your river."

"Um, gimmie a minute."

Leo heard a rustling in the nearby bushes and then everything was quiet. He went over to investigate and found nothing of interest. Not even a lingonberry. So he went back to splashing around in the river. He figured that if this was going to be the last time he'd be able to utilize his beloved milky waters, he better take full advantage.

Leo got quite caught up in his solo game of Sink the Dragon and was surprised nearly out of his skin when the voice returned saying, "Here's your silly deed. Now get out of my river!" A piece of paper floated out of the bushes where Leo had earlier heard a rustling.

Leo got out of the river to investigate the paper. "This is a cocktail napkin from The Beaver Hut. And 'deed' is spelled wrong. Who are you?"

Slowly, out of the bushes slunk a very matted, dejected looking wolf.

"Mother told me I should stay in school, but did I listen? No. 'When am I ever going to need to learn how to spell?' I asked. You showed me, mother," said the wolf shaking his fist at the sky. "I hope you're happy now."

"Hullo," said Leo.

"Hi," replied the wolf.

"Um, I'm Leo," said Leo, extending one hand.

"Ralph," replied the wolf.

"No offense, but Ralph isn't a very wolf-like name."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it doesn't exactly strike fear into the hearts of men, now does it?"

"No, I guess it doesn't. LEO."

"Good point."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment.

"So, you like this river too?" asked Leo after what seemed like forever.

"I really just need a bath," replied Ralph, not looking at Leo anymore.

"Yeah, I can see that."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing. I mean, you've got lovely fur, but it looks like it could use a good washing and brushing."

"I had a run in with a jelly truck."

"There was a jelly truck?"

"Last week."

"Oh." If there was one thing Leo loved more than the Mallow River and burninating things, it was jelly. "Well, dive on in. I don't know that the Mallow River will get all of the jelly out, but it certainly wouldn't hurt."

"I can't take a bath with you here watching."

"Oh, I see. Well, what if I go away for a bit and come back later?"

"I guess that would be okay."

"Would you like me to leave my rubber ducky?"

"Yes please," replied Ralph.

"Okay then." Leo handed Ralph his rubber ducky and flew off into the sunset.

Ralph had a lovely bath and then went to visit his graphic artist friend. If he was going to run around claiming territories and rivers in the future, he was going to need a flag to do so.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Man, I'm getting really bad. I used to post in here every friggin' day, sometimes many times in a day. And now it's three or four days between posts. I'm sorry. I miss it, I really do. And if it's any consolation, I am seriously thinking about upgrading to broadband or DSL or something in my apartment because it's really the whole dial-up thing that makes me not want to be online at home. It's just a hassle, you know? But I am seriously thinking about joining the 21st century soon. I just don't know how or what exactly I'm doing. I think it will also involve me getting a USB port splitter, as my Mac Mini only has two USB ports and I could already use about six. Maybe I'll do that this weekend while I'm at the mall that has an Apple store. I love my Mac. Just in case you didn't know, Macs rule and PCs drool. Or something. I dunno. I was never very good at the smack talk.

See, I was going to come here and post something poignant, but now I've forgotten what it was.

Oh yeah! I love acting. I really do. We've started rehearsing our next play at my theater company and I really love rehearsing. To warm up, you play games. Then you get on stage and play some more. And the best part about the early rehearsal process is that you get to just play. Try stuff. If it doesn't work, the director will tell you and it's a no harm, no foul kind of thing. If it does work, the director will tell you to push it farther and often times, you'll get your fellow cast mates laughing really hard. That feels so good. And I started pulling costumes for myself last night, too. I don't know if they will ultimately be okay or not, but I like to play dress-ups. Tee hee. So yeah, all in all, I had a lovely evening at the theater last night playing on stage and playing with some really hideous clothing. I think that is my general costume design philosophy -- make 'em hideous! At least for the over the top sketch shows at my theater company. It just makes sense. I'm wearing a body suit type thing, for crying out loud. With bell bottoms and ruffles on it. It's funny. You'll just have to come see it for yourself.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Hey.

So happy new year, everybody! Things are off to a rockin' start. Literally. I had my first practice with my band last night and it was amazing. I kind of like it that they came from all over -- one is a friend I've known for the last year, one is a guy who found my ad at the Old Town School, and one is a friend of a friend -- but we all got along great and made some really fun tunes. My tunes. But spiced up so that they sound fuller and more exciting. There were times during the rehearsal that I would close my eyes so I could focus better on the individual elements of the song -- what was the bass doing, what was the other guitar doing, what were the drums doing -- and at times, it all sounded so good together that I couldn't keep myself from grinning ear to ear. I almost couldn't sing anymore because I was smiling too hard.

I'm really excited to be working with these guys. I think they hear my music in a very similar way to how I hear it. I think they understand what I mean when I say, "Let's not make this one too country," or "Yeah, you can even go crunchier." I think (though I could be wrong) that they like having a ringleader who has ideas for things and knows how to implement them (hooray for my directing background!). I hope I didn't get too bossy or pushy or tyrannical -- I'm trying to go for a nice balance between saying when something is awesome and saying when I'm not happy with a sound. I'm still working on that, and I told all of my guys to tell me if I'm out of line or whatever. I hope they actually will. Because I had fun last night. I think this is great music we'll be putting out. And I want to make sure that they are all having fun, too. Musicians who enjoy each other and enjoy the music they make together make better music together, I think.

So yeah, keep an eye out for our first full band show, maybe in late March. We gotta polish up a few more tunes, and with me working on a new play and with another band, it's gonna take a couple weeks. But look out. I have a band. And I love them.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy 2007, everyone!

First of all, when did that happen? How is it 2007? Damn, I'm getting old.

Okay, so my New Year's Eve was actually pretty good this year. I had been contemplating staying at home with a bottle of wine, but kind of at the last minute, my theater friends from college called to invite me to their shin-dig, promising that I could play my guitar if I showed up, and also telling me I had to dress up purdy 'cuz everyone else was going to, too. So as I was getting ready, I was listening to a Moby concert that was broadcast on the radio and I was jumping around like an idiot. It was awesome. I think I might have to make "jumping around like an idiot to Moby music on a regular basis" part of my "being nice to myself" resolution. I'm sure anyone outside looking in my windows got an interesting show, but that was half the fun.

So I donned my uncomfortable shoes and grabbed my guitar and went to my friend's house where it hit me - I've known most of these people for over ten years. And they still invite me to their parties. No, we don't hang out a whole lot, but that's a pretty long time to know people and still have them like you enough to invite you to their parties. When they have an intimate gathering with just people they really like, they invite me, too. Not bad. That actually made me feel pretty good. And I got to talk to people I talk to every time I go over there, and I got to talk to people I never talk to when I go over there and it was really nice. I didn't get horribly drunk. I didn't kiss anyone at midnight (not really, a couple pecks on the lips amongst friends, but no making out). A new friend of mine showed up after midnight, so I got to chat for a while there, too. All in all, it was a good night. Made that much better by the fact that I came home feeling good and got to wake up to my favorite little furry face and spend some time with him this morning before we set about our day. Which has consisted of pasta, a Cooking Under Fire marathon, and laundry. It's been great.

And by my favorite little furry face, I mean Owen, of course. I came home alone, though I had the option to not. I'm proud of myself for coming home alone. It's kind of in line with my "I'm not going to let a guy dictate how I feel about myself" resolution. I'm going to be careful before I jump into anything, drunken or not. And this way, I get to keep my pride. And I got the whole day today to myself, to be as lazy as I want. And I was LAZY!

But it's all good, 'cuz I'm back to work tomorrow. Band practice Wednesday. I think I'm going to see a play this week, too, and I think I have a meeting at my theater before we start rehearsals for the next show there on Sunday. So yeah. My new year's gift to me was a total lazy bum day. With laundry.