Daniel R.H. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

The recent Transport NSW suggestions to apply standard OPAL fares to passengers using Buses on Route 55A, 55B and 55C (better known as the ‘Shuttle Bus’ Route) has been met with large outrage by the online community. A petition to keep the shuttle free was created by disgruntled students late last week, and has received over 10,000 signatures since. However, it appears the charges have received the support of one large body, that being the University of Wollongong.

A head figure at the University, who has opted to stay anonymous, has spoken to the Smoking Duck today.

“Yes of course we support it. We’re the ones who suggested the reform to the State Government. Why? To stop students who dress like they’re homeless from getting on campus.”

The logic behind the price increases is the belief that those students would be deterred from spending the $3 to travel to the university from their shared houses in Wollongong’s North.

“If they’re unwilling to buy shoes, a shirt that doesn’t smell like the devil’s lettuce, or even damn shampoo, they’re not going to buy a ticket for the bus,” the head figure continued.

A prominent legal academic at the university commented further on the situation,

“We had our counterparts from the University of Sydney and UNSW here earlier this semester. I had to say that the Cosplay Club was holding a Walking Dead convention just to explain why some of our students were walking barefoot and wearing pyjamas tracksuits at uni. It’s embarrassing.”

We have since spoken to students about the situation. Second Year Creative Arts (Interpretive Dance) student Sharesse Shoobridge, a regular user of the free shuttle service, was staunchly against the proposal.

“I’m sick and tired of these government increased discriminating against University students like myself. I already protest the energy bill increases by only showering once a week, and now I have to deal with this!?”

Marco Van Taco ¦ Writer

“I thought they’d be swooning” Marc says in confidence at a recent Smoking Duck writers meeting. “I’ve been writing these satirical articles all year and I haven’t got laid yet. I go to the parties and tell all the girls, even at Yours and Owls….nothing….I got nothing. Don’t girls love creative comedy gold!?”

Sadness drips from his face in the form of soft, tear-shaped water droplets, as everyone else awkwardly tries to evade consoling Marc.

John decides to eventually interrupt the tiresome sobbing, “Ummm it’s just…it’s just not that impressive to everyone else. If you wanted to get laid, you should have joined a club girls swoon, like the Rugby club, or the Harry Potter club.”

“Why do you think we all change our names when writing our articles? It’s not to be mysterious, it’s so we can’t be traced back to the god-awful material we write”, said the Smoking Duck president, who wishes to remain unnamed for this article.

“Maybe next year it will be cool to write for the Smoking Duck, and then you will get laid,” Josh states with a hopeful uprising in tone at the end of the sentence.

“I’ve told all my friends from other unis that I’m drowning in snapchats from female admirers. Truth be told, joining this club has ruined my chances with any girl. I even got turned down for a graduate job because of the interviewer noticing the Smoking Duck was on my resume. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to write an article about having sex in the university toilets!?” Marc said sniffling.

As the whimpering continues, the president slowly ushers Marc out the door, sick and tired of his constant yapping. Calling the meeting to an end, he quietly instructs everyone else to not be distracted by the endless fornication that has fortunately come their way since the announcement of the Smoking Duck’s inaugural magazine, and to continue pumping out the great articles.

With an estimated urban population of 295, 842 as of June 2016, Wollongong (aka God’s Country) is New South Wales’ third largest urban centre, argues Tom, and therefore deserving of the title ‘the big smoke.’ Jock, of Sydney’s glistening northern suburbs, is sick of hearing country students refer to Wollongong as a city.

Jock has the support of Dapto local Alice Kenworth, who reportedly noted that “the only big smoke I’ve seen is coming from those towers over at Illawarra Steel Works, and maybe Albion Park Rail Station of a night haha (sic).”

This debate is by no means a new one, with ‘townie’ students of UOW said to be fed up with the Misleading nicknaming of their coastal centre. To settle the matter, The Smoking Duck approached The University’s London born Vice-Chancellor, Professor Paul Wellings, who put the title to rest.

“Big Smoke?” He quipped, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I love Australia but sometimes you naïve buggers make me laugh.”

Declan Q. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

‘I feel so sorry for these students. Eyes bloodshot, clearly running on no sleep, I’ve over heard some of them saying they feel “absolutely scattered.” Obviously they have spent all weekend working on the major essay due tomorrow.’ says the tutor, blissfully unaware of her student’s rowdy weekend.

The Tuesday morning following Wollongong’s Yours and Owls festival, sees a rag-tag, lethargic collection of students drag one foot after another into their 9:30 tutorial. But the formation of the United Nations does little to interest the students still labouring under a savage three-day hangover.

The enthusiasm of the tutor was in direct conflict with the physical and psychological state of the students. Most students scroll through Facebook on their Macbooks, and some sit with their forehead planted on the desk, processing the shame.

‘”I gave them all perfect CP for this week. If there utter exhaustion is anything to go by, it seems to be one of the hardest working cohorts I’ve ever had.’ The tutor continued.

Declan Q. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

‘I didn’t have time to play their games,’ said fourth year LLB student Sophie Swan to Smoking Duck reporters. Instead of engaging with the group who hand out flyers adjacent to the library, she simply strutted towards the library doors, phone in hand, eyes down, and moved on with her day at an unprecedented pace.

UOW political scientists, who focus on studying the various university political groups and how to avoid any contact with them, have been interested by the impressive result of Sophie’s approach. After several years of research, and adopting various approaches to avoid the awkward conversation with the politically active, PHD student Isabel Rosandic had this to say about the recent phenomenon:

‘Yes, it definitely is a breakthrough for my research. Along with a team of academics, I have been testing different approaches to avoid being dragged into political discussions with random students at 10:30am on a Monday morning, particularly during the mid-semester period where sleep is scarce.”

Isabel has provided the Smoking Duck with her research as of date:

Approach:

Method:

Result:

1. Recognise the existence of the stall

Walk slowly, make eye contact with the people handing out the flyers, be approachable, and talk to them like they are normal human beings.

Missing the start of a tutorial because of the 30-minute political discussion that ensues. Becoming a member of the club against your initial will.

2. Exchange pleasantries

Walk at a faster pace, make eye contact with the people handing out flyers, say ‘hi’ and try to continue on with your day.

Forcibly being engaged into a conversation because you didn’t have the will power to say “no” to their question, “Do you care about human rights?” Missing the start of a tutorial because of the 30-minute political discussion that ensues. Becoming a member of the club against your initial will.

3. Challenge the political ideologies of the club

Approach the stall of your own free volition. Challenge the political ideals espoused through using historical sources and examples which explain the weakness in the philosophy.

Being met with a demonic, unison screech from all members of the club.

‘So yes, Sophie has provided me with a new avenue for discussion about the intricacies of being able to have your rather weak political ideals unchallenged by said students’, Isabel continued.

Marco Van Taco ¦ Writer

On a warm spring day, many students at the Unibar were jovially drinking beers at lunchtime. Glasses clinking, cigarette smoke wafting, and general banter and laughter filling the surrounds. One group of five students in particular had an upcoming lecture to attend in 10 minutes. What followed would change the lives of all uni students for the rest of history.

Mark, looking at the time says, “Oh its 1:20pm, we need to quickly head to class!”

Jaycee then said the ballsiest thing since a UOW lecturer told his class that a philosophy degree increases their job prospects.

“What class?”, Jaycee sarcastically says, smirking slyly as he takes a sip of his middy.

Matthew looks up from his phone with his jaws dropped, Luke chokes on a sip of beer, and John drops his cider to the floor in one of those slow motion glass breaking scenes with the Wachowski Brothers spinning camera effects.

A few eavesdropping students pause for a moment to acknowledge the audacity of a fellow student saying such a thing. They all turn and stare.

“Wh…what?”, one table murmurs.

While John calls to get the broken glass picked up, Mark reminds Jaycee, “You need to attend lectures! You…you just need to. What about the lecturer!? How would they feel? They’re not just doing this to build up their own CV, they truly really care about you, even if they do get paid whether or not you come back next year!”

“Nah, I got it sorted bro. First year is too easy, I’ll just get the notes off my mate in second year to ace the 70% final.” Jaycee responds with an overly confident look that implies he can’t go back on what he said now. “What about the integrity of your grade?” Matthew says concerned. Jaycee shrugs.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John gather their backpacks and leave Jaycee to head off to class, already beginning the first retelling of the soon to be legendary event.

Later, the Smoking Duck reached out to Jaycee’s teacher, Professor P. Pilate, for comment. He said he had heard of Jaycee’s dauntlessness to University class attendance and had a few words for the revolutionary 1styear student.

“The story has spread like wildfire through the office, it’s a watercooler favourite now. The academics are furious! I admire the confidence he has, but he must be stopped. We can’t let his blasphemy influence the other students. I’ll bring him in front disciplinary, and let the powers at be decide his fate.”

Jaycee has not been seen since this day, but his legacy lives on in the Pass grades awarded to all the unexceptional students following in his footsteps. He is set to be canonised as the first Patron Saint of UOW in the coming months.

Declan Q. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

Second Year American exchange student, James Harrington, was found dead, face down in a snack pack outside Fat Boys kebabs after a session at the Grand Hotel. He had previously found himself attempting to compete with the Australian students strict weekly schedule of Pepes, Amigos, Grand, Illa, and Harp. He was last seen in a frantic state, commenting to Smoking Duck reporters on the situation.

“It’s these damn Australian’s. Every night they’re banging on my dorm room door. The savages won’t leave me alone.” He began to sob. “I got a scholarship to come to one of Australia’s best University’s. I just want to study.”

Seen as a campus right of passage, James had attempted the perfect week in previous weeks before, but had failed to complete it.

It is believed a mixture of fatigue and coronary failure is the cause of James’s death, resulting from the late night eating habits associated with Wollongong’s nightlife. It is believed the flashing of the Kebab store’s neon sign stood irresistible to the former Michigan State University running back, who has fallen victim to Australia’s cultural delicacy of meat, chips, cheese, chilli and garlic sauce.

Week after week, hangover after hangover, James’ self-loathing had transformed into a new determination to complete the perfect week. Also motivated by harsh (but maybe necessary) words of his peers. Dorm mate, Mark Thomas, had this to say about the event.

“Yeah. Rather disappointing about James. Heard he didn’t even make it past night three. Going to absolute shred him to pieces next time I see him (laughs)…wait, he died!?”

Jason B. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

A Wollongong University Student has today been awarded the prestigious University Medal for her work in posting photographs of a slightly crooked car on the ‘UOW Students Buy and Sell’ Facebook group. Sarah, a 3rd year medicine student, has received unanimous applause from her peers and academics for her achievement.
“It’s absolutely inspiring to see this sort of reaction,” said Sarah, who spends her spare time volunteering at her local homeless centre 4 days a week. But she says helping the sick or the homeless does not compare to the feeling she gets when she sees those likes pop up on her Buy & Sell post.

“There’s no greater injustice facing modern society than goons double parking on campus. I had to search for another car park for a whole two minutes because of ‘CWH 60J’. Unbelievable. I only wish I had more free hours in the day so I could continue patrolling the car parks around P3 and P4.”
The Smoking Duck was able to reach Mark, one of the culprits, for comment on the matter. “I’m deeply remorseful for my actions, and am truly thankful to Sarah for helping to hold me accountable for my actions. Those 12 angry reactions on Facebook burn my soul far more than a $300 fine ever could.”

The Smoking Duck can confirm Sarah is talks with UOW CSE with setting up a society dedicated to tackling injustice across campus, in the aim of setting up a social media Gestapo. “I’m thinking of extending beyond bad parking. There are plenty of monsters that need to be stopped. Like those arses who reserve tables in a crowded library by leaving one textbook on it while they go out to eat.”

Due to the sheer prevalence and importance of the issue, Sarah is asking for anyone donating to remedy the Hurricane Harvey disaster to kindly divert all funds to her cause.

Josh L. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

It was a big decision to say ‘no’ to the Australian National University’s Arts offer, but Chloe Kerney (name altered), from Sydney’s northern beaches, couldn’t bear live so far from the coast. As a result, the second semester starter hasn’t looked back from her decision to come south to the wind capital of Australia until Tuesday 10:30AEST.

‘After Europe, I just wanted to work for a few months before I came to uni. Ended up spending most of that money at shark bar though haha (sic).’ Chloe said.

‘I love life here, it’s so good for Instagram! But this morning I had to park all the way down some hill, because the ticket booth at Uni would have only let me to get all day parking if I took out a mortgage.’

After consulting Google Maps, Chloe uncovered a situation all too familiar for anyone who has spent more than a month or two in Wollongong. It would have been a shorter walk to the University of Wollongong’s main campus if she had simply walked from the two bedroom home her parents bought her.

‘I guess you live and you learn,’ Chloe said, displaying a positive demeanour despite missing her compulsory tutorial and probably tech failing.

‘I learned that the best attitude is just to just go with the flow. Found that out after I accidentally ate one of the brownies in Amsterdam.’

Daniel R.H. ¦ Writer

Tuesday 12:30pm – Martin sits with his two of his friends at one of the the table’s outside Panizzi – The sky is clear, the sun shines across the entire of the Wollongong Campus. Sounds of birds chirping over the sound of students laughing can be heard – A plump of ducks passively pass by, making the daily waddle from the pond to Subway for the leftover bread.

Martin: So have you guys enrolled in the postal vote yet?

Friend #1: Yeah, I enrolled a couple of days ago. You?

Martin takes a bite out of his toastie.

Martin: Yeah I’m enrolled.

Friend #2: Ugh. This postal vote is such a waste of money. It’s essentially an opinion poll. They should have just followed what New Zealand did.

Friend #1: Yeah, I think Labor would have handled this a lot better.

Martin: I don’t know. Labor tried doing that a while back, and they got held up in the High Court. They seemed a bit stunted with their policies, half the reason why I voted Liberal last elec…

Friend #2: You…you did what?

All chatter around Panizzi immediately comes to a halt. The birds cease to chirp, the ducks halt their march, it is completely silent.

Friend #1: What did you say?

Martin: Nothing!

Friend #2: Did…did you just say you voted for Liberal?

All the students sitting in the surrounding area turn their heads simultaneously to stare at Martin. Their necks crack in unison from the sheer force of the movement.

Martin: No…nope. I voted for the err…I, I voted for the Sex Party! Yep, the good ol’ Sex Party…Ha ha.

Martin glanced upward to the windows of the library above him. Hundreds of students stand at each of the windows, none of them moving, all gazing directly down at him in utter silence. The only sound was a faint breeze rustling the branches of the trees.

Friend #1: *pointing* No you didn’t. You said you voted for Turnbull.

A deafening, simultaneous screech comes from the crowd around Panizzi. The blue sky soon disappeared as black smog like clouds immediately rushed to cover it.Martin was swarmed with a rabble of noise from the crowd, each one of them reciting different section of last nights Q&A.

“Do you hate student rights?!”

“Do you think that refugees should be kept prisoners on an island!?”

“WORKCHOICES”

The hundreds of students standing at the library windows above him begin to crack the glass with their skulls while they screech. The glass finally gives way, and the students begin to pour from the top levels onto the ground below, scrambling over each other on the ground as more and more fall from the library, like a scene from the Walking Dead.

Martin picks up his bag and tries to flee. Before he can even leave his table, ‘those who hand out flyers outside the Library’ swarm him. Hoisting him up above their shoulders, they begin to forcibly march him down to the pond, where a crucifix in the shape of a hammer and sickle awaits him. He screams as the crowd begins to chant, pumping their pitchforks and burning torches in the air.