*This* was the old me. She's been long gone, lying underneath the surface mind you - but she's gone.
The new me simply would not stand for this behavior - for very long, that is.

You're thinking this happened because I restrict too much. I know you mean well, but we are all different. I know you can't fathom my 1200 calories....

I have experienced very similiar events at various times throughout my past four years of Maintenance, and believe they are "normal" for those of us who have spent many years of our lives in obesity.

I don't see myself as having two parts, the "old" me and the "new" me.
It's all just me.
The desire to overeat is always with me, sometimes under the surface,
sometimes extremely conscious.
I continually choose my eating behavior.
Sometimes I choose to act upon the "negative" urges and cravings to binge. Sometimes I don't.
The frequency of my choice to engage in "negative" behavior determines my size and
whether or not I will change from "reduced" obese back to obese.

This is true no matter how many calories I have in my daily budget.
And, since we have simliarities in height, weight, and age,
I understand and agree completely that you have to eat around a 1200 calorie budget in order to maintain,
and I congratulate you for learning how to do that in a healthy and enjoyable way.
It always amazes me when Taller, Larger, More active, (and sometimes Younger) women put their own calorie numbers on me, and advise me that I'm eating too little. Like I wouldn't choose to eat more calories if I could do so and keep my small size.

I'll admit that is also one of my very Special Pet Peeves.
I find myself feeling resentful when I hear such advice and
sometimes just wish they could "walk a mile in my shoes"......
and watch how the pounds would pack on
if they continued to eat only the same calories they now eat in their own maintenance.

Holy smokes Robin, I do this about 5 times a year. It only lasts about 3 days tho. I definitely feel for you. My reasoning is, harmones kick in that have not worked recently and it sends me on a 3 day eating spree. That is my theory and I am sticking to it. LOL

Thank you for sharing this, Robin! Wow, your LOOKING, LOOKING, LOOKING for food description hits me right in the heart. That is how I felt when I was out of control and binging regularly. Even when I was eating, I was thinking about what I was going to eat next. In that moment, it wasn't about the food. It was about feeding the impulse. Trying to satisfy the itch. I HATE that feeling. Even when you are holding it together and staying on plan, that itch makes you feel like you're out of control - you have all of the guilt, none of the food.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, and I know you don't really need them because you know what you need to do. Just wanted you to know I can identify!

Robin, when I read your account, I got chills from how familiar it felt. I'm struck by how you've described the feeling of "looking for food" and "looking, looking, looking." It's like being on the prowl, isn't it? That restlessness & that sense of circling, like a shark, & knowing it's in the mind, not the body, that it is irrational & has nothing at all to do with physical hunger & so cannot be slaked. Good for you for the level of consciousness you're bringing to this, in knowing it, in naming it, in bringing it here & sharing it with us. Now you will make the choice to turn to the behaviors you've learned so laboriously. You've worked so hard at all those behaviors, so now they will be there to save you. Routines will save you. The rampage of the holidays is over.

Everyone struggles sometimes. And while I agree with Paperclippy in that there were a lot of behaviors that went right, it can be frustrating when things go wrong.

Luckily you have the same advice you've given many, many times here. Re-commit and get back to it. Period. And if you do that, there's no reason at all...none at all...to let this be more than a minor, temporary blip that you hardly pay attention to at all.

I'm new here and don't really know you (yet :-)) so I feel sort of silly commenting but felt like I needed to.

First - I really admire you being so transparent and sharing your internal struggles with us. I am sure most, if not all of us have been there. You described the feelings so very well. It is a very yucky place to be, but not insurmountable.

Secondly, you will get back on track. You are obviously a very strong and determined woman to have lost all the weight to begin with!

Third - now this is just something that occured to me and could very possibly not be the case, but it seems too obvious not to mention it. Is it possible that something about the engagement (and therefore party that precipitated the eating) could be bothering you? Maybe even subconsciously?

Robin, I don't know how this will make you feel - I hope it will result in you feeling encouraged - but reading your account kind of resonated with me, and it reminded me of the way I sometimes feel about having a little cigarette. I quit smoking over 5 years ago - went from multiple packs to daily to nothing. And I have never ever slipped, not once. But g*ddamn do I want a flippin' cigarette. Just one delicious Benson&Hedges. It would just be so - smokey, and good. I would probably talk to the damn thing like an old friend if I ever put my hands on another cigarette. I have managed for 5 years. I have been a little afraid that controlling my food intake forever will be a foreign land for me, as prior to my huge gain I just "did what came naturally" and never had a big problem, and I was afraid that I will be adrift before I know it and undo all my hard work. But what you described - I feel like I know it a little. that seeking feeling - in the back of my mind, there is always a cigarette, and maybe some food too. Just waiting for me to stumble across them, find them... smoke them. Eat them. So I am so sorry you felt poorly, but your open and honest post really helped me feel like I am going to a familiar place. If I can deal with feeling like this about cigarettes and do as well as I've done (multiple packs a day for years, quit cold turkey and have not so much as sniffed a cigarette since - although I confess to sometimes sniffing smokers clandestinely) then I can do it with food too. Thank you. I hope you are feeling more peaceful now, or soon!

Bright Angel, I get what you're saying about the old you and the new you being one and the same. It was something I pondered when I read it. So I'm not sure if I really believe that the old me no longer exists or that I HAVE TO believe that she no longer exists. No she no longer exists, ... but than again...

Jay, I apologize for appearing to shout at you, it's just that I sometimes get - frustrated, yes let's call it frustrated, that I have such a hard time getting across the fact that 1200 delicious, satisfying, never leave me hungry, always leave me full of vitality, energy, peace and joy calories is no hardship for me. None. I mean I assumed I am correct in that was the theory that you spoke of, no?

CC & saef, and I think there were a few others as well, so you're familiar with my looking, looking, LOOKING for food predicament I was in this past week? Oh it's a horrible feeling. And that's exactly the feeling I used to experience every day of my life for SO many years. And here it was - back again. Just like was said, I was on the hunt, on the prowl and there is no way to satisfy it. Yuck.

Unfortunately today I am a bit more "look-y" than yesterday. I have not given into it though - I've been looking the other way. I'm keeping myself good and busy and staying focused on what I am REALLY looking for - to get firmly back to the place that I love and adore - my plan. I'm hope and know that the looking will die down and I WILL get back in the groove once again. But sheesh, I sure wish it would hurry up!

Thanks to all for reading and for your very insightful, understanding and supportive responses.

Robin-
I have so appreciated your posts. I used your insight about not eating food in the present and then glad to have not to the next day. You state this insight more suscintly than I, but I used your concept as a way of avoiding food throughout the many, many, many events of this past month. So much so, that I lost weight over the holidays, and I attribute this insight of yours as the key reason I did.

Hmmm, so let me get this straight. You don't want me to theorize about your theories about me. Okey dokey, if you say so.

And I don't think it was really, REALLY scary - I think one scary would suffice . I mean there was no blood involved or anything like that. Actually blood pouring out of my body may have been easier to stop. Yeah, maybe it was really, really scary, maybe even triple scary.

Talk about double and triple scary (and then some) Jay, you've most likely never had lasting behaviors that would lead you to be 287 lbs at 5 feet tall, that would be a BMI of 56 or to give you a clearer picture - a 5 foot 4 person would need to weigh 326 lbs to have a bmi of 56, a 5 foot 6 inch person - 347 lbs, a 5 foot 8 inch person - 368 lbs, a 5 foot 10 inch person - 390 lbs. So as scary as my week long bender sounded and WAS, it was nothing, nothing compared to what a typical week was for me back in my super morbidly obese days. And that week was not some random once in a blue moon week. It was week after week after week - every week - for YEARS on end.

Like someone pointed out, at least these episodes are once in a while things and are spaced further and further apart as time goes on. I think it was Tyler that said that. And it made me feel much better. I think Bright Angel mentioned that these things are pretty *normal* considering where someone who's been super morbidly obese has come from. And that too made me feel much better.

But don't worry - not better ENOUGH to want to repeat it anytime soon - or at all. No, no, no, no, no.

rockinrobin, I'm not a maintainer, but I've been obese and then thin and have maintained it, then gained it back, so I know a thing or two about the struggles...

I think it's awesome that you caught yourself consciously and did something about it. You've made some lasting changes and that's awesome. Thanks for sharing; it helps to see that even the tallest oak can sway from time to time.