Jessica's post-breakup funk somehow lands her on the World Wide Web.

Oh. Oops. I had given in to one of my stranger personality quirks and had been listening to old Disney music. Loudly, apparently.

"Soooomeday, my prince will cooooome..." Snow White warbled in that obnoxiously squeaky voice that was au currant in 1938. "A dream is a wish your heart makes..." had just finished.

"I'll turn it down..." I winced.

She stood there a moment longer than necessary.

"Um, Jessica, I know that you and Rick broke up..." she began hesitantly. "And I know it's none of my business, but I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need it."

I stared at her for a second. Was she joking? What was this, some sort of sitcom where everyone thinks the main reason for working in an office is to acquire friends? Being friendly with co-workers is one thing. But, hey, I'm her boss! And besides, what's that supposed to mean, "Here for you"?? As if I needed her, I harrumphed in my head.

They looked as if I'd been diagnosed publicly with a disease: breakupitis.

I stopped myself from mentioning how deeply I appreciated being reminded of Rick. Or further, how pleased I was that the entire office knew about our uncoupling. Not to mention how delighted I was to work in the same building with Rick -- thus ensuring that I'd run into him, his secretary and co-workers, all of whom looked predictably sheepish and unsure of what to say when they see me, as if I'd been diagnosed publicly with a disease. Breakupitis.

Yes, every time I thought I was getting a handle on things, I'd run into one of his too-compassionate colleagues. And feel torn up anew.

And now my segment editor was breathing over me, looking concerned.

Arrgh. Leave me alone, I thought silently, keenly aware that, in this mood, I might bite someone's head off for offering me a winning lottery ticket. So I faked a smile and thanked her.

Score one for diplomacy.

"At least you're funny when you're nightmarishly peevish," Rina laughed when I repeated the conversation to her later that night. During this wound-licking period, I'd found solace in spending time with Rina's kids. Somehow, tussling and giggling with them on the floor gave me succor from feeling sorry for myself.

The kids forced me to realize there was a world beyond my own pathos.

I relished the pure, uncomplicated love they offered. Plus, caring for them -- wiping their noses, feeding them soy dogs and sesame buns -- distracted me from the self-absorbtion to which I was now so pathetically prone. They forced me to realize that there was a world beyond my own pathos.

"So why did the conversation annoy you so much?" Rina asked, steering me back to the topic at hand.

"I wasn't about to get into why we broke it off, so I just said that we had mutually agreed that our long-term goals were different," I explained, careful to avoid using Vicki's name so not to slander her. "Then she launched into this big riff on how tragic it was that people 'in love' couldn't work it out."

She had bought into the myth that "True Love," once found, completes you, heals you. It comes fully assembled right out of the box and requires no further maintenance.

"She thinks love is just a matter of meeting the right guy and -- poof! -- it's all sunsets and roses the rest of your life," I explained churlishly. "Just fall in love, live happily ever after... and watch the credits roll."

It doesn't work that way!

"Beth didn't seem to go about it that way," I continued, hesitantly. Until now I'd avoided mention of my sister, who'd got engaged the same day Rick and I broke it off. I was getting better, but I was still flummoxed with guilt that I wasn't able to share her excitement without feeling a little sorry for myself.

She resigned her lifetime membership in the "boyfriend of the month club," then made up a list of what she was looking for.

"What do you mean?"

"She was almost craven about it," I said, repeating Beth's breathless explanation. "After her old boyfriend got married, she said that she sat down and figured out what she wanted out of life, out of a man. She resigned her lifetime membership in the "boyfriend of the month club," then made up a list of what she was looking for, and literally did a checklist with every guy she went out with!"

Rina looked non-plussed.

It turns out she met her fiance, Aaron, through one of those round-robin dating things. She had "dates" of less than 10 minutes with nine guys or something. I was flabbergasted.

"Can you believe it? It's like dating on a new diet or something," I chuckled, "The Dating Zone, Boyfriend Busters..."

"Sounds sensible to me," Rina said with a smirk.

"Oh c'mooooon!" I said skeptically.

"Look, you're making fun of your co-worker for thinking that love solves everything, but then you think that Beth's approach is too cold. You can't have it both ways."

I pursed my lips.

"Well, it doesn't matter. I'm done with men, anyway," I said, laughing. "I'm going to emulate Gloria Steinem and be fabulously successful until age 60 and then marry a movie star's father."

"Actually," Rina said, carefully, "when you're ready to date again, Steve said he knows someone who might be good for you to meet."

I nodded, politely, secure in the assumption that Phoenix doesn't have any such events anyway. My parents, drunk with delight at their son-in-law-to-be, had already asked me to check into it.

There are no guys in Phoenix! I know them all!

Later that night, I couldn't sleep. I was thinking again about Gloria Steinem... and other women I know who gave up on getting married. I felt hopeless and frustrated. And lonely.

"You're going to have to date again sometime," the collective voice of Rina, Alison and my parents sang in my head. "You can't put it off forever..."

"It's only been a couple of weeks!" I answered the chorus.

"That's one month closer to 30," the annoying voice answered.

"There are no guys in Phoenix! I know them all!" I retorted desperately.

"Fine. Keep avoiding the issue..." the voice sang in sing-song.

I couldn't sleep. I'd already finished my third Amy Tan novel in two weeks. I'd already watched TV. I decided to check my e-mail and sent notes to pretty much everyone in my address book. Then I started browsing various web pages. I went from CNN's website, to Israeli news, to a live shot of the Western Wall... and then, oops, ended up at a Jewish singles website.

How'd that happen?

I looked around my spare bedroom/office, as if someone would see what I was doing. Confident that no one was watching, I cautiously filled out the profile, pressed send, and swore myself to secrecy.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(8)
Veronica Bakke,
July 14, 2001 12:00 AM

Exactly how I'm feeling tonight

Just broke it off w/ BB (Bad Boy) whom I still love tho know it's a bad relationship. We live in a small town, so it's extra stress trying to avoid him. We ended it as nice as we could. Still ....I really emphathized w/ this cute story . . . as i feel now, at this point in my life, the answer would be if I met my bachert! There was the WONDERFUL BB and the HORRIBLE BB. Nice to be reminded we all have these ambivalent feelings. So real. Tho I looked at the Jewish singles..I didn't have the nerve to go into them. I'm praying that G-d will provide...what's that percentage?
DON'T LET ME GO BACK TO BAD BOY!!!
Oy VEY....this is a jungle!

(7)
Ilana Zernitsky,
June 6, 2001 12:00 AM

I thought that this article was great!! I enjoyed so much particularly because it has so much sincereity as well as realism in the way Jessica deals with the post break-up.

(6)
Kellygirl,
May 29, 2001 12:00 AM

She did the right thing

Hey people - love does not conquer all! It's a fairytale! I think Jessica did the right thing- breakups are hard, yes it sucks, but she did what she had to do! Good for her! She was able to look at her relationship objectively and ask herself "Is this the man I want to marry? Is he my future husband? The father of my children?", and her answer was NO. It takes a lot of guts to walk away from a relationship when everyone around you is married or getting married, and you have to face the single life again. But it was the right thing.

I just ended a relationship with my boyfriend for the same reason, only the situation was reversed, he is the one who is jewish. Just like Jessica yearns for a jewish family someday with her friday night shabbos dinners, I yearn for a christian family. The guy I was dating would have never taken part in that. I was crushed about the breakup but what gets me through is knowing that someday I will have a husband that will take part in raising our children christian, who will go to church with me, in-laws who will willingly participate in their granchilds christining, the whole picture. I just have to have faith that it will come to me, and Jessica is beginning to find faith that it will happen for her the way she wants. Hang in there Jessica! You will find your mench someday and you will know it was all worth it!

(5)
,
May 24, 2001 12:00 AM

What's the point???

Ok..what is aish trying to prove now?? Jessica breaks off a relationship with Rick, she's still madly in love with him, and DESPERATELY needs someone else in order to feel secure! Mind you, I didn't think this was the case until reading the last paragraph.

Pessy,
December 28, 2011 8:54 PM

Don't know what the point is, but this doesn't prove anything about true love in intermarriage. The natural course of life is that guys and girls fill voids, and even if they're wrong, if they leave, a void is felt that needs to be filled. That's the feeling of desperation. Totally normal and not proving at all that she should marry Rick.

(4)
susan schwartz,
May 24, 2001 12:00 AM

good move

I am glad that Jessica is thinking about opening herself up to meeting someone more appropriate. Used carefully, the internet can be a good way to screen and meet potential suitors. Good luck!

(3)
Anonymous,
May 22, 2001 12:00 AM

real life is better than fiction

People, drop your scepticism and sour attitude, I know married couples who met through Jewish internet dating services. Its more common than you think, and even if its 'product placement', it can't hurt. If she wants to meet a Jewish guy, she has to be proactive; only gentiles (Rick) could she meet on the street 'naturally' in Phoenix!

(2)
Anonymous,
May 21, 2001 12:00 AM

What a HUGE mistake!!!

Why, oh Why do I read this fictional article bimonthly? It doesn't work out with one guy so she is going to go on the internet and meet some freak? Is she nuts?
She did not give Rick a fair chance. It could have worked out if they decided to pursue the relationship.
Jessica is on the rebound. She is still obviously in love with Rick. Any guy she meets now is just a transition guy.

Anonymous,
December 28, 2011 8:57 PM

She sounds to be in love, which perhaps she was. But emotions are very different than intellect. If we lived life solely based on emotions, we would make awful decisions, and probably act baser than animals. No matter how many intense feelings there are, the mind has to be there to govern right from wrong, good from bad, even in a strong relationship. Love is not the decisor. Love of G-d and a desire to make Him happy, simply because He created us, is a more appropriate way of approaching life.

(1)
Justin Alexander,
May 21, 2001 12:00 AM

Ha!!!

I love it! Product placement!!!
I know: How many times can you write the same breakup story? Ah seriously, I love Aish, I just think this is cute.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!