A Breeze of Good Deeds # 22: On Dreams, Frustrations and So Much More

As I write my first words, I already know that this is going to be a long post. It will be very much different from my usual food and travel entries. But I hope you still find time to read until the very last word. And hopefully, I feel better after writing this.

I called in sick today. I have been feeling really weird for the past three weeks. I always get dizzy making my mom excited thinking that I’m already pregnant. I checked twice, both saying negative. I wasn’t surprised since my husband and I planned that we’ll have kids by next year. We both know that raising a family takes a great deal of responsibility. And barely three months after our wedding, we’re still recovering from the wedding expenses and trying hard to make the most out of our time together. But a part of me was wishing that I’d see two lines in the pregnancy kit. Yet another part of me felt relieved because I know that my kid would only get half of his/her parents when he/she comes this early.

I went to see the doctor last weekend. I already knew that I’m probably anemic. After waiting for my turn for more than two hours, the doctor did not request for my blood to be checked. He just checked my eyes and told me, “Maputla ka masyado”. He prescribed iron supplements but the dizziness is not going away.

I hate being sick. But now that I am alone in my room writing this, I came to realize that it is probably God’s way of telling me to slow down. And with the recent turn of events, I know that God is making His messages clearer to me.

The Disappointed Best Friend

My best friend (BF) worked really hard, so hard that even I envied her energy and passion. But she was disappointed thinking that her efforts didn’t pay off. It was so hard for me. I can’t give words to comfort her because I also have my share of frustrations and disappointments. At that time, the best thing I could do for her was to simply listen. And for some odd reason I told her, “God is blessing you in other ways.” Even I was surprised. How can I say that to her? I already said it, so I also need to stand by my words.

BF may be disappointed. But her carefree life full of excitement is still startling me. I hope she gets to realize that her vigor is God’s gift. Her energy is what keeps her family strong. Her energy is the thing that makes her compassionately take care of his baby brother who has special needs. It may not be in the form she was expecting, but her energy is God’s reward to her. Ako nga kulang sa energy!

And yes, her unique yet sometimes weird fashion sense is also a gift from God. Nyaha! ^_^

The Serious Seatmate

Seatmate (SM) once told me that during the first few months, he would rather talk to the wall than have a conversation with me! But out of necessity, he had no other choice but to seek for my help. And when he found out a few weeks ago that he’ll be transferring to another workstation, he told me “Mami-miss ko tong wall!” Ouch!!! He’ll miss the wall? But he said that he is indirectly saying that he’ll miss me too. (Whatever! :p)

One time, we had a conversation. He said that he is already happy with what he’s getting and added that people only get disappointed because they are comparing themselves to others. That was another OUCH moment for me. I really like talking to SM because he’s raw and fierce. He says what’s on his mind which gives me the chance to look at things in other angles. So for someone younger than me to say that was really humbling.

Bo Sanchez once said in his blog that envy is deadly. And most of the time, we are not conscious that we are already envious. After SM said that, I realized that the moment I start comparing myself to others, I am already opening the door for envy to eat me alive.

So again out of nowhere, I told him that it doesn’t matter how much you make, what matters is how you make the most out of what you already have. I told him that I know people who earn two times than what I’m earning. But they’re not yet satisfied. As a matter of fact, they have debts. I have none. SM agreed and told me that those are the words he needed. Still not sure how I said those words, I just replied with a smiling face emoticon.

And more that anything else, I bet he now wants to talk to me more than his favorite wall! :)

The Chatmate

It’s not usual for people to tell me that I’m kind. Most of the time, I strike as a snob. So for chatmate (CM) to tell me that I have a good heart really made my day. It started when she asked a simple question. Am I happy?

During the course of conversation, I told CM that maybe God is not giving me what I WANT. He is giving me what I NEED. He knows that I know how to manage His blessings. I don’t like buying gadgets. I am not fond of branded clothes. My parents are healthy. My brother is already working. I have a husband who does not have any vices. Our only addiction is to travel once in a while as rewards for our hard work.

God’s greatest gift is blessing me with parents who trained me to make the most out of His gifts. My mom coached me how to be frugal. My dad taught me how to share. A friend once told me that we’re cluttering our hands the moment we refuse to recognize and share God’s blessings. And when that happens, we are not allowing God to fill our hands with more of His generosity.

The Mentor

I asked my mentor if she still gets frustrated and disappointed. She nodded. Hearing it kept me grounded. It somehow erased the mentality I have that people with their stature are already immune to such things. I wasn’t relieved because of her admission. I was relieved knowing that I can do something with my emotions, the same way she’s dealing with stress and frustrations.

We agreed that only hypocrites would say that money is not important. But she said that the problem with some people is that they make their jobs as a milking cow.

There are times that I daydream of waking up early in the morning to prepare breakfast for my husband, take care of our kids while doing business at home. But now is not yet the time for that. Other than we still can’t afford it, I know that I still have a lot of things to accomplish. I still want to prove a lot of things to myself. But there are times that I am too focused in achieving my dream that I end up neglecting the present, neglecting the things that God called me to do.

Talking to my mentor made me realize something. That yes, I may not be head over heels with my job. But I VALUE it. I appreciate the things I’m learning. Even if it’s sometimes tedious, I love the feeling of being able to help my co-workers. Their WOW’s and THANK YOU’s are music to my ears. I still get fascinated with how I manage to build something from scratch and fix what others think are already unfixable.

Lastly, I appreciate stress, frustrations and disappointments. For without these, it will be hard for me to recognize the people that God is sending my way to help me get through the hard times. I hope that I can stand by my words because it takes a great deal of courage and conviction to say and live by these words. And like my mentor said, it comes with maturity.

The Teacher I Look Up To

It took me a while to warm up to the “teacher”. Always looking serious and unapproachable, I was always terrorized by the mere sight of him. But just like when I was still studying, my mother told me that I perform better under the supervision of terror teachers. Maybe because my mother is so strict and firm that I managed to know how to behave with such people.

I have always been independent. I did my assignments without my parents’ help. Most of the things I know now are self-taught. So for God to give me someone so talented to look up to was such a blessing. But it was cut short.

It is not very often that I look up to people. So I asked God why. Then somebody told me what “teacher” told him.

“You should be like Je. She does not give up. When there are issues, she does not back down. She always finds ways.” (Naks! Parang BDO pala ako!)

I was actually surprised. At first I thought that my teacher’s silence is because he does not want to work with me. I thought he does not trust me.

You may think that I won’t be sad. I will definitely be. And it’s not be because I will be left with a big responsibility (well, sort of :p). But then again, I’m glad that God has sent me another teacher. Maybe He is telling me that no matter how self-sufficient I am, I still need help from teachers once in a while.

The Future Pastry Chef

I have a friend who wants to be a pastry chef. She makes me her (lucky) guinea pig for I get to taste almost all her creations. We talk a lot about our dreams. She knows that I also love baking but I don’t have the time to pursue it. She knows that I love writing but I don’t have enough confidence in my works.

Though quitting has crossed her mind a lot of times, she stayed still. And each time I eat her baked cookies and brownies, I am reminded that dreams just don’t come true overnight. It requires hard work and patience. And it will definitely not become a reality until we make the first step.

The Anemic Me

So what about me?

Ten years from now, I don’t know if I’ll still be doing the things I’m doing today. Almost everybody I know have other dreams aside from their current professions. What does that mean?

Writing calms me. I am captivated at how we can play with words. I am surprised how writing can affect the readers. But I admit that I am still not good at it. I have no formal training. So my dream of writing a book is still far from being realized. Though I want to stay in my room and write, I can’t. For now, I am taking baby steps. This blog is probably the greatest leap I took. It is my workspace, my training ground. I have to accept the fact that God is still molding me. And I have to let His perfect hands work wonderfully.

Everything happening to us now is in preparation for what is in store for us in the future. During the process, let’s be grateful for all the experiences (good and bad) that we’ve been through. And learn to appreciate the people that God sends us to help us make our trip to the future more meaningful.

When I first saw this post last week, I thought it was way too long to read. But just this moment I was prompted by the Holy Spirit (more on that some other time) to read it. Now I know why... as I read along a lot of bible verses keep coming up - Share your plans with the Lord and you will succeed (Proverbs 16:3 CEV). - ...apart from me you can do nothing (John 15:5)- Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37:4 NIV)- Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Matthew 6:33 NLT)