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Shanghai Vikings was established back in 1995 when a few Danes working in Shanghai decided to form a football club offering a mix of competitive football and the best social environment imaginable. The team that started out being Danish has throughout the years grown in popularity and now also attracts many international and local talents.

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Shanghai Vikings vs. Zhuoxuan (2-1)

It was a tremendous afternoon for the Vikings management team. After a long rebuilding phase for the Vikings from the ‘Little People’ up. The hard work and perseverance bore fruit with a deserved victory. Thanks to goals from a player completely out of position and another from one the shortest players on the pitch from a set piece.

It was also the last day for one of Shanghai Vikings soon to be Legends, who ended up playing almost every position on the pitch with a performance that would definitely see him get a guaranteed smooth transfer to the San Jose Earthquakes in the MLS. It was an unconventional victory in a scrappy but entertaining afternoon of football for the Vikings

Summary

Now, it must be mentioned that most of this game was partially viewed and remembered from the stellar bench, where Coach Henrik managed the team impeccably and didn’t listen to the screams from them to pull every player off the pitch. The laughs and zingers were flying fast making it hard to see all the action on the pitch but this is what was remembered.

The game started strong for the Vikings with a comfortable possession game in their own half. With crisp and controlled passing and a confidence in the defence that Zhouxuan just couldn’t break down.

Team America

The Vikings had striking debutant American Aaron doing good business up front, bringing down the ball and laying it off for his fellow midfielders to send him down the pitch and into the box. When that did happen though, he decided to try and play the ball off his “manhood”, which must be noted George said was “a dick to write home to Mum about”. However, all that penis envy didn’t get that ball into the back of the net. So, he channelled his ol’ Italian American roots and flopped to the ground in the box. Sadly, even the raucous bench thought it was a soft fall for a hard ‘Mmmerican’ (all innuendo intended) and no call was made.

Wayne’s World, Excellent!

The side lines had a lot to yell about from the Vikings performance in the final third of the pitch. But there were signs of brilliance from Wayne who seemed to have his way with the ball in the middle of the pitch and George La Croix who was dangling and nutmegging left right and centre. Little did he know he had to do this for the whole 90 mins. They both seemed to do as they pleased in a midfield that looked like they couldn’t be stopped. But as the Vikings have always struggled with, the last pass always seemed to make it directly to the foot of that last defender. With winger Jasper always seeming to be hanging around offside, it was difficult to thread that right pass to the right area. Jasper with his usual positive approach, took this on the chest and didn’t complain once…

There were discussions on the bench of what needed to be changed in order to get the breakthrough we needed. With Arman’s good luck charm waiting patiently to see her man accomplish something more than just a selfie video in his moments, she was getting anxious. But as that happened they all turned to see Akenz Jens stumbling to the ground grabbing his face in an apparent move to get more publicity for his new line of ‘protect your face KRAKATAU Long Down Parkas’.

A move stolen from the Neymar marketing playbook. Kicking up a fuss about nothing whatsoever, just to sell a few jackets!

With the addition of Arman to the wing and moving Hope up to the right wing the Vikings flanks started to exhaust their defence and was breaking through on a regular basis. With the rage gained from Jens’ marketing stunt the Vikings added a new flair to their game. With a cheeky little pass from George to a streaking Arman on the wing, he decided just to go straight to the net leaving his marker in the dust.

With a giant Sausage to his right hoping for a near post floater that he could smash his ‘Gin & Tonic’ throbbing head onto. Hoping to close his Vikings account with a nice little header goal. But flying in from the left back position was an ambitious and sneaky Lars Algayer that wouldn’t let him have his final Vikings moment. With a scream that only an Ayi trying to escape Gustav and Luis’s apartment could muster, Lars called for the ball and Arman had no choice but to slide the ball to the back post where Lars wouldn’t be denied. In that moment Fat Fingers Holst was missing the warmth and relaxation of the “Bench of Dreams”. For all of Arman’s work his girl didn’t even look up from her phone to acknowledge his achievement. She was already swiping right on someone who could finish from more angles. 1-0 Vikings

Oh, Captain! My Captain!

With a solid performance commanding the troops for most of the game Captain Goose Gustav Gustavo alongside the physical presence of Akenz Jens, held a steady ship. The vigilant captain knew a one goal lead was not enough for the Vikings to hold onto this victory. All of those high-pitched screams of agony, calls for cards and requests for team mates to “come on him!” for 1.5 years? He wasn’t going to let that all go to waste. In classic Vikings fashion, off of a set piece, the littlest guy on the pitch won the ball and dinked it in for a goal. But for once it was on the other end of the pitch! In what would normally be a Saturday night for Goose he was able to play “Just the Tip” on a sunny afternoon to “see how it feels”, and for once it felt great! As his dirty little tip put the Vikings ahead and in command of the game. 2-0 Vikings

Communication Problems

In the second half the game started to get away from the Vikings. They let their foot off the gas a bit and stopped pressing. The Chinese team took advantage of this extra space on the ball to start probing into the Vikings half. You could feel the tension building on the pitch and with the ref making a few bad calls the Vikings started to lose their shape and go against their plan and start arguing with whoever was around them. In a lapse of concentration, a ball was floated into the box while everyone’s heads were turned. With a deft touch and flick to the right Zhouxuan’s forward was able to step around his defender and roof the ball past a stunned Golden Glen. If only someone were there to yell “KEEPER” he might have known what to do, instead of letting the ball slip out of his hands easier than a bottle of bus whiskey! 2-1 Vikings

Bench Boost

The side lines seemed to be where all the action was on this fine sunny October afternoon. With Antti, Lambo, David, Arman, Arman’s lovely wife, Loopin Louis, Sexy Siam, Jay snapping pics and Sausage all enjoying the spectacle that was unfolding before them.

Some notable performances were also made from this pool of talent.

Lambo not only made one successful pass but he also made two tackles. After the second, with the striker lying on the floor in pain below him, he lent down, whispered “this is me sucking your dick”, and with a flick of his hair he was off. Literally, off the pitch. Coach had had enough of Lambo’s showboating. A pass and two tackles…that’s professional stuff!

Sausage played almost every position with the determination and conviction of a man that had just paid for and consumed all the fake Gin and Tonic that Barbarian had to offer and woken up to that bill.

David’s best work was with Arman on the side lines, convincing the lad of his “need to find Jesus” when he was looking for girl advice from gay men. With a couple of good turns and chances. David was mostly beaten up on the pitch with no help from a ref who also didn’t much like the movie Black Panther so he was getting no help there.

Fucking Chris was also put onto the pitch but was enjoying his time on the bench so much that he started to kick up a fuss with Goose in hopes of being put back on the side to work on the ever hard to achieve “Bald Ginger Tan”.

Siam didn’t even want to play and he showed that motivation by begging coach to only put him on for a short stint at the end, that still struck fear into the hearts of many.

Louis also came on with a good amount of time to spare and had some threatening runs but was too little too late to make an impact this time.

MOM

It was a great performance from a lot of players this game with notable mentions Alex who was solid and calming in defence and Jens who smashed anything that came through the middle, even one of the oppositions feet…with his head! There was also a strong vote for Kasper Sausage Holst as we all felt bad for the massive bill from the night before, and this was the only way to repay him. But with Arman only being able to perform this well with a woman’s eye upon him, his votes had to go to his new Lucky Charm. So, with the same tally of votes both Kasper and Arman’s Lady Luck have won the Man of the Match for the Vikings. Sausage you were a great addition to the Shanghai Vikings and we will miss you on and off the pitch. But you will be playing for Shanghai in Bangkok in the upcoming Viking Cup and we all can’t wait to see you there!

Archives

Amid speculation of a media war brewing within the Viking media department, the team met at new sponsor bar ‘Cotton’s’ and prepared to head to PuJersey for the first game of the season. Going into the game, the Vikings had a team that, on paper, looked very dangerous. Unfortunately, like Belgium, having a good team on paper doesn’t mean shit and it ended up being a tight game, with many positives, despite ending in a disappointing 3-2 loss.

This week’s game statistics below have been kindly provided by the Vikings International Sports Correspondent Elliot Greer:

Stats provided by Elliot Greer

*Beers consumed by Elliot = 18

1st Half

The Vikings began the game like a team with nothing to lose, which is interesting considering we lost almost every game last season. The fires were fueled by a great team talk from Gustav who mostly just reminded the team that we have loads of new players this season so we might actually be able to win. Sensibly, Alex also reminded everyone that the Vikings are a strong, fair team that shouldn’t complain and bitch at each other or the ref. It seems at that point Gustav had stopped listening to his fellow Swede as he proceeded to bitch and moan throughout the entire game.

Possession wise, the game started with the Japanese having most of the ball and passing it around well. However, their attacks mostly consisted of long balls which were easily dealt with by ‘The Angry Canadian’ Hope, Ruud, Alex and most incredibly…Martin Lambertsen. After a fair amount of back and forth the Vikings began to look dangerous on the attack. Ten minutes in, Gustav received the ball at the edge of the box and played it back to George who pulled off a meticulous toe-poke over to Jens who took it down and smashed a beautiful half volley straight over the keeper. 1-0 Vikings!

After going one down the Japanese began to up the pressure, in the words of Elliot Greer “Lambo gives the ball away again, Vikings are under pressure…the Japanese have realized a weakness and are attacking down the left towards the right back position.” Despite this, Lambo, with the help of his defence ensured the Japanese didn’t capitalize. The Vikings moved into counter attacking mode, with Magnus making some great runs, on one occasion only to be the victim of a brutal tackle which resulted in a yellow card even though the defender was the last man and he basically rugby tackled the big lad.

Eventually, Viking quality started to shine through with Aaron ‘the Ukrainian De Bruyne’ playing a great ball to Jasper who got around the keeper and got the ball into the box for Magnus to smash it into the back of the net. It was 2-0 Vikings!

After coasting for a good ten minutes, the Vikings were slammed back to earth when the Japanese took a short corner, resulting in the ball being lofted so high in the air that Tobias ‘Golden Glenn’ simply couldn’t see it. In true Viking style he promptly gave up, didn’t even bother moving and just waited to pick the ball out of the back of the net. Most incredibly, Jens managed to control that famous temper of his and only looked at Tobias like he wanted to kill him, instead of actually trying to.

This seemed to be enough to get to the Vikings unfortunately, and the Japanese got a second goal not long after when, after some scrappy play at the back post after a corner, Elliot states “a guy from team Japan just, like, nutted it in.” Tired legs were catching up to the Vikings but there was nothing to worry about as we actually had substitutes ready to go! The first half ended 2-2, leaving everything to play for in the second.

2nd Half

Of these substitutes, and much to the crowd’s delight, Fucking Chris managed to get on the pitch. Since Dragos made his disappearing act a few months ago, FC has started to play better, gaining the confidence he needs to score goals, make decisive passes and generally be good at football. Unfortunately, Dragos decided to come and watch the game, so after five minutes Chris faked an asthmatic fit on the pitch and managed to blag Coach into taking him off. Dragos was quoted as saying “to be fair, it was his best performance I’ve ever seen.” The Vikings didn’t need to fear though, as Prince Henry was soon on the pitch, beating defenders with his blistering pace. Not wanting to be outdone by FC, David lasted only two minutes, claiming a leg injury. The whisky he had before the game undoubtedly had nothing to do with it.

By now, the game was swinging in favour of the Japanese. They had a 22-man squad and were simply much fitter than the Vikings. The space between players became larger and the Vikings were mostly playing a chasing game. More subs were made, with American Aaron, Luiz and Tadi coming back on. Even FC, who had miraculously recovered from whatever Gypsy curse Dragos had put on him, dragged himself back on the pitch. Bringing on such great players was enough to tip the balance, until some fairly interesting decisions from Gustav and Coach led to FC playing left back and Aaron centre back.

The third goal came when a lapse of concentration led to another set piece for the Japanese. A goal mouth scramble ensued, with everyone in the box from both sides jumping, lunging, swinging legs, heads and, in Lambo’s case, hair at the ball to try and help their team. All except FC…as the ball was struck by a Japanese player towards goal, Chris rather nonchalantly called “keeper” and then just left it up to Tobias. After the game Chris said he’d read on Wikipedia that goalkeepers are supposed to stop shots, not left wingers.

Towards the end of the game the Vikings began to dominate, pressurizing the Japanese defence and looked likely to score. Up stepped playmaking obese wonder-kid George who, against the run of play, did the best through ball of the game, unfortunately in the wrong direction. Luckily, Alex and Tobias managed to stop the attacker from scoring, despite George’s best efforts. It was truly the worst pass from any game, on any pitch in Shanghai that day.

The last great chance for the Vikings came almost at the final whistle. Jasper did very well down the right and managed to get through the defence and up to the keeper. Taking note of his options he had:

a difficult shot against a keeper, or

a clear pass to Coach across the box.

Seeing that Coach would have had an open net and was set to score his first ever goal for the Vikings, Jasper did what any sane man would do and kicked it straight at the keeper. The ball came back to Ruud who connected with it, only for it to be stopped on the line by a defender. It was in all honesty; a great chance and the Vikings were unlucky not to get the draw.

Overall, it was a game with many positives. Not only because we now have some great new players but because we have an even better team spirit going into the season.

Man of the Match

In the end, four players got votes for man of the match. The three runners up were Alex, after a very solid display at centre back. Jens, who not only scored a great goal, but was instrumental in the shape of the team. And debutant Ruud, for a great game at centre back and spell in the middle of the park. The prize can only go to one person however, and with 12 votes that person is Magnus. He played a great game up front and actually managed, in his style of playing striker like a centre back, to get in more tackles than Martin, FC, David, George, Tadi, American Aaron and Luiz combined.

Post-game

Despite a disappointing lack of fresh meat in the showers, the Vikings put on a cracking show for the bus driver on the way back to Cotton’s. The new nomination game, brain child of Martin and Lars, proved to be a success with two bottles of Jim Bean being smashed in about half an hour. Things got so exciting that poor, young Ruud got an awful case of cramp. Luckily for him, Jens was close at hand, and having lived with Hoejland for years, he knows how to give a great foot rub.

Archives

The 29th Viking Cup in Singapore was truly one to remember. Not so much because of the results on the pitch but mostly because of all the hilarious and stupid stuff that happened outside. The last couple of years we have gotten used to have a huge number of players joining the Cup but this year was very different and we ended up only having 14 players as well as a few Vikingnettes. Sending a huge squad to the Viking Cup is always nice but having a small team actually has some advantages. When you are only 14 players you fight as one united team, you party as one united team and you join the Viking Cup as one united Shanghai Vikings. What we didn’t manage to deliver on the pitch we definitely delivered singing in the bars and dancing on the dance floors.

Jonas: The Swiss Wall and father to be, had taken the long flight from Switzerland to join the ranks. Jonas played quite a lot and made some good runs from both wings. With his charming and positive attitude, the Swiss Wall is always a pleasure to have on the team. Although we almost sold him back in a song battle with the Saigon Raiders, I would love to see him represent the Shanghai Vikings again next year in Thailand. Tjikkaboom!

Bytoft: Bytoft also took a long flight from the US of A to join us in Singapore. Much appreciated!! Bytoft had a good tournament playing mostly on the wings but occasionally also in the midfield. He also played a significant role in scouting the place for our Friday night team dinner which ended up being one of the highlights of the whole Cup. Another thing worth mentioning is that he was the only one going all in on the Matrix outfit at the gala dinner by actually wearing the real Agent Smith sunglasses! Well done Bytoft!

Kristian: Kristian played his first Viking Cup and made an immediate impact on the pitch. He played in several different positions in midfield and attack and no matter where I placed him he just kept on running. In the last game against Beijing he sealed the victory putting in the 2-0 goal. From a disciplinary point of view Kristian had a very good tournament and I rate him as one of our most valuable players during the Cup.

Kenneth: Kenneth also played his first Viking Cup and was thrown directly to the lions in the first couple of matches where he struggled a bit but still kept his fighting spirit intact. In the last game against Beijing he played a very good game where he gave no room to the Beijing winger. No doubt that Kenneth enjoyed his first Viking Cup and I hope to see him again next year in Thailand. Kenneth even managed to go directly into the beer drinking team, performing as the deadly number 4.

George: What a lad and what a Viking! Georgie played almost full time and did so with a broken finger demonstrating true Viking character. Georgie was also part of the Lambo Condo Dorm Gang where he, according to himself, sorted out the whole lost-key-situation. Georgie is such an important player on and off the pitch and to everybody’s surprise he made it into the beer drinking competition team. We really need him again next year, primarily for football and social skills.

Gelardi: Gelardi probably didn’t expect to play 300 minutes of football when he arrived in Singapore but it was very important that he did. He did an impressive amount of running as well as cleaning up in the midfield but most importantly, he pulled us out of the goal drought against Beijing in the Wooden Spoon Final with a fluke from 30 meters out. Deflection/erection.

Gatten: 9 time Viking Cup veteran, Gatten, not surprisingly joined the Shanghai Vikings again this year. Gatten didn’t quite reach the amazing level he had in Saigon in 2015 but he still showed a lot of quality and helped seal the victory against Beijing with a brilliant assist to Kristian. Gatten is always a huge asset to have around the team and there is no doubt in my mind that we will see him again next year in Thailand to claim his 10th Viking Cup pin.

Willms: Willms is one of our most composed players and never loses his temper. When yours truly got injured in the second match, the gloves were passed on to Willms and he did an excellent job guarding the goal for us. He had some crucial saves and interceptions in the super important last game against Beijing.

Lambertsen: Already before the Cup started our dear Lambo had already been creating headlines by renting an Airbnb dormitory where he stayed together with 5 other companions from the team. 3 beds, 1 toilet and 1 key to share. Eventually, that single key got lost leaving the task of reentering the dorm to Kasper Sausage Holst. Later, George would claim that he sorted out the whole key situation. Lambertsen had a very good tournament playing almost full time on the right back. However, the most ridiculous situation was probably when he was denied access to one of the more high-end locations of Singapore’s nightlife being called “small boy” in the process. All in all, Lambertsen had a great Cup and is always a great Viking to have around our team.

Jakob: Where to begin… Jakob was a late addition to the Viking Cup Team this year and I’m sure we can agree that he was the center of attention of many memorable situations. His Glostrup-techno-dance to the Bandidos Mix in the party bus, when he got slapped across the face with 5 BBQ shrimp skewers, his ability to doze off in very crowded places, being spanked by Les by various object and last but not least, when he decided to take off his shirt in celebration after Gelardi’s 1-0 goal against Beijing resulting in a yellow card and a 5 minutes sideline ban at a very crucial time in the game.

Holst: Holst made a huge contribution in the preparation for the Viking Cup trying to get hold of all the signups as well as the coordination with the organizers from Singapore. Neither an easy nor attractive job, I can tell you! Sausage played a good tournament but unfortunately, he had to pull the emergency break against Singapore and received a straight red card leaving him banned in the last game against Beijing. Georgie might disagree, but Holst was actually the true hero in sorting out the whole lost-key-situation in the Lambo Condo Dorm.

Les: Before the Cup even started Les had been part of a bizarre transfer twist where he decided to play for Copenhagen after immense pressure and extortion from the new Copenhagen Vikings Coach, Stefan. But in the 11th hour he was persuaded to show his true colors and a transfer back to Shanghai was agreed upon. Our solid defender played almost full time and was as expected just as vocal on the pitch as outside. Again this year Les came up with a bunch of hilarious songs including: “What shall we do with the underager!”

Gustav: Our Captain, Goose, almost fooled everybody when he made a surprise turn-up at Hax‘ pre-Cup BBQ party thereby announcing his participation in the Cup. Goose started in the midfield but due to injuries and match bans, our Captain played the last couple of games in the central defense being a solid and commanding presence. I am sure that Goose was pretty amazed about the whole magnitude and fun-level of the Viking Cup and I am sure we will see our Captain again next year in Thailand!

Captain’s view on Coach: Coach Henrik is probably the best keeper and public speaker, in the tournament. Unfortunately for himself and the Shanghai Vikings he got injured during the first day of competition. There’s a rumor saying it might have been a fake injury due to wife and off field duties, but nobody knows for sure. His good and positive spirit helped the Shanghai Vikings win the off field competition, including beer drinking, good team atmosphere and a nice team dinner with enough shrimps for an entire American tactical handball team (some call it American football).

Archives

On a rainy September day in Shanghai, the Vikings started their season. Being considered extreme underdogs, with bookmakers leaving them only a theoretical chance of getting even one point from the game, the world was up for a huge surprise.

During the summer break Shanghai Vikings had, as tradition dictates, invested heavily in the team and finally signed a Brazilian, which fans in general and especially Shanghai Vikings Ultras have been craving for years. The new darling, Bruno Chen, who has been found in the feeder club in Beijing, already showed his Brazilian tiki-taka skills within the first moment when he, in classical Ronaldinho-style, took the piss out of his opponents.

Another two signings from this summer are the slightly obese Swedish central midfielder Ustav “if I had your speed I would be professional” Warfving and Kristian “Yellow Card” Skjorshammer of whom Coach Henrik said: “They are very different. Kristian will hurt the opponent as much as a bike crash on the mountains, which according to rumour also gave birth to him. At the other side we have the Swedish princess who falls as easy as an erection after witnessing George’s back hair.”

The first half was a struggling affair for the newly promoted Vikings, but a hard fight by the defence kept the aggressive Reunited players away from any serious chances and when needed the Danish Buffon stepped in. It was clear that the communication in the defence had improved since last season, as all of the members spoke understandable English and didn’t get confused by Scottish sounds. Despite the huge pressure, the Vikings managed to get a few good shots and after 25 minutes of game, the friendly Canadian had a free chance 1 meter away from goal, but chose not to score and instead apologized to the keeper for putting him in that situation.

With extreme luck but well deserved, Reunited managed to bring themselves in front, after the self announced vice captain Martin Lambertsen stumbled over what appeared to be an air bubble, and left their striker alone with no chance for the Danish Buffon to stop him. Half-time 0-1.

In the second half the sun came out and a miracle happened in style with die Wunder von Bern and Denmark’s European championship in 1992. Only 7 minutes into the second half Prince Henry (better known as David) went into the air and scored a bicycle kick in style with Sibusiso Zuma’s goal against Brøndby in 2001 (YouTube it). 1-1 and Reunited seemed surprised and demotivated.

Coach Henrik also used the half-time break to sub in the two new Danish young-guns Sebastian and Daniel, of whom last mentioned reminds most people of the three lunged Makalele incapable of getting tired. These subs paid of, especially because Daniel didn’t scream as much as the Princess and the other midfielders from both teams could now take out their ear plugs. The subs paid off 20 minutes into the second half when Daniel picked up a loose ball, sidelined it to Sebastian who put a long ball into the box and the Prince took the ball down with his chest was all alone with keeper. The ice cold Nigerian first went left, so did the keeper, then he went right, so did the keeper, surprisingly the Prince went left again and the keeper went with Chris to buy a hotdog. This is the day that Prince Henry finally became King Henry.

For the rest of the game not much happened until the last thirty seconds when Saint Dragos became the saviour of the day. In an elegant attempt like the Flying Dutchman he managed to squeeze the ball away from the goal line and send it out for a corner. An attempt that, for unknown reasons, made most of the Shanghai Vikings laugh, and the devastated Renunited players smile.

On an insignificant side note, Trump was seen amongst the spectators and gave the following comment after the game, when asked about his appearance: “Well, I know how much fake news is flying around. So sad. I wanted to make sure that what I can read in the article you write is true.”