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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Frustrated

I'm frustrated.

Frustration is probably the most difficult emotion for me to deal with, because there never seems to be a good way to express it-not deal with it, express it. The two are very different. I am an expressive person, and until I can express whatever is bothering me, vent it, get it out and all that, I can't begin to deal with it. How do you express frustration except by crying and throwing a fit? I haven't found a way.....

I am frustrated on so many fronts it's overwhelming. I don't like complaining, really I don't, and I'm not trying to throw myself the world's biggest pity party but this blog is my escape, my shoulder to cry on and my incredibly impersonal diary, so if you don't want to hear my whining, go away. Here it is: I am frustrated because right now business is slow for me (It's summer, I expected that, summer is always slow for the field I am in) but with the current daycare situation, I can't pick up a part time job to supplement the missing income so I'm stressed out about money pretty much ALL THE TIME. I hate worrying about money, probably more than anything else you can worry about ever. Money seems like a stupid thing to worry about because it's supposed to be so trivial but money is our survival and when you raise two kids by yourself, that doesn't seem so fucking trivial.

I am frustrated because things haven't been awesome in my house for the last couple weeks. The house has been a mess, and despite being here 3 days during the week, I can't seem to keep up with it. It's mostly laundry too, and I loath laundry. The washing and drying is ok, but there are FOUR people in this house and folding and putting away laundry for all four of us is more than a 1 person job. Fuck, it's more than a two person job most days (it seems like anyway) and two of us are small children who can't help. There is an infuriating cycle at play here: We wash and dry everything, there is a mountain of clean laundry, we get through folding maybe 1/4 of it, get tired/lazy/busy/distracted, pile the rest on our bed, and by the end of the night, when it's bedtime and I'm exhausted, it all gets pushed on the floor. It then becomes walked on and mixed in with the now accumulating dirty laundry, and the whole thing starts all over again.

It's maddening!

My last and probably biggest frustration is also with the current condition of my home, and it is the status of things between The Roomie and I. Don't get me wrong, we love each other very much. We are best friends, really, and we care about each other more than I could possibly express with words. Batman, if you're reading this, don't worry, no romantic feelings whatsoever. We are just truly very very best friends. However, we have a serious tendency to piss each other off. As much as I love Dear Roomie, he can get on my nerves, drive me up the wall, and send my bitch level from 0 to 60 in .2 seconds flat. It's a talent, really. Lately, and by lately I mean the last two weeks (at least, could be more) it's gotten worse. Every conversation turns into a fight, everything I say pisses him off, every time he gets mad he shuts me out and won't talk, every time he shuts me out and won't talk I get mad and blame everything on him and act like a little baby. Nothing has gotten resolved, nothing is getting worked out and the cycle is perpetuating at a terrifying rate. We tried today to work things out a little bit via email which turned into a cluster fuck of mile long emails, a lot of bitterness, anger and blame shifting and no real resolution. What does that all amount to? A seriously frustrated, pissed off Sarah who doesn't want to deal with it anymore, and begins retreating into the Crystal Palace, A.K.A. her mind, for solace, reflection and some fucking peace. It helps no one.

At this point, I am at the end of my rope with it all and ready to walk out the door, leave all of it behind and hide in the nearest bar until they run out of wine or kick me out for flashing everyone too much. I know I'm not ready to give up, I never really get to that point, and I know when The Roomie comes home I will want to try yet again to talk things out and find a resolution. I know tomorrow I will wake up and want to tackle the laundry and be brainstorming marketing strategies to boost my business for the summer, but right this moment, I'm frustrated.

Thanks blog land for letting me get that all out. It's time now for some ice cream, a little peace and quiet and maybe time to watch Benny and Joon for the 92982938291029th time. Goodnight.