The NYU Medical Center defines a passive-aggressive individual as someone who "may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists." Passive- aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not getting together, to the very serious, such as sabotaging someone’s well-being and success.

Most chronically passive-aggressive individuals have four common characteristics:

They’re unreasonable to deal with.

They’re uncomfortable to experience.

They rarely express their hostility directly.

They repeat their subterfuge behavior over time.

Passive aggressiveness may be directed towards a person or a group. The root causes are complex and deep-seated. Whatever the reasons that may drive an individual to be passive-aggressive, it’s not easy to be on the receiving end of such veiled hostilities. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are 8 keys to handling passive-aggressive people, with references to by book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People”. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest:

1. Don’t Overreact. Reduce Personalization and Misunderstanding.

When you experience possible passive-aggressive behavior from someone for the first time, avoid jumping to a negative conclusion. Instead, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think my colleague didn’t return my email because she’s ignoring my suggestion, or I can consider the possibility that she’s taking some time to decide. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.

On the other hand, if the individual has clearly shown a pattern of passive-aggressiveness, employ any combination of the following action steps as appropriate:

2. Keep Your Distance Whenever Possible.

In some ways, passive-aggressives are more difficult to deal with than those who are openly hostile. An openly aggressive person is direct in words and action, which makes him or her more predictable. A passive-aggressive, on the other hand, hides a knife behind a smile. He or she operates on a hidden script, and you never know when you might be disenfranchised by his or her covert machinations. When confronted, the passive-aggressive will almost always deny responsibility. For these reasons, when you need to deal with someone who’s chronically passive-aggressive, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this article as you see fit. The rest of the time, keep a healthy distance.

3. Don’t Try to Change Them.

Some people try to change chronically passive-aggressive individuals through time-consuming dialogue about their behavior. Such efforts are admirable, but often end in frustration and disappointment. As mentioned earlier, reasons for passive aggressiveness are complex and deep-seated. A passive-aggressive person changes only when he or she matures and becomes more self-aware. It’s not your job to change the person. The best way to deal with passive-aggressives is to focus not on changing their attitude and behavior, but rather solidly taking charge of your own.

4. Don’t Get Sucked In. Avoid Tit for Tat.

It’s understandable to be upset when you’re on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. There may be an urge to "strike back" overtly by arguing and using pointed language, or worse yet, by becoming passive-aggressive yourself. Neither approach is helpful, as the passive-aggressive will likely respond to your overt accusations with denial and claims of victimhood, and to any passive-aggressiveness on your part with even more covert hostility. All the while, you’re suffering because you have allowed this instigator to take away your equanimity. Don’t give someone the power to turn you into the type of person you don’t like to be.

Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck-up. One day a colleague of mine said, “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn’t feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped, “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.

When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In "How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People," I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.

6. In Serious Situations, Proactively Deal with the Problem Early On and Formalize Your Communication.

With passive-aggressives with whom you need to interact on a regular basis, it’s important to put a stop to any serious, potentially damaging patterns early on. Tolerating passive aggression will only encourage the negative behavior to continue and intensify.

Let yourself, not the passive-aggressive, be the one who sets the tone of the relationship. Whenever possible, formalize your daily communication with the passive-aggressive by either putting things in writing, or having a third party present as witness. Keep a paper trail of facts, issues, agreements, disagreements, timelines, and deadlines.

When a passive-aggressive incident occurs, whether it’s unfulfilled responsibility or inappropriate joking, have one or more witnesses present when you bring up the issue. At work, a witness can be someone who’s physically present, or an appropriate individual(s) to whom you’re copying your written correspondence. Ask the passive-aggressive person probing or clarifying questions to gather information and fact-check. Review previous communications and documentation to substantiate your position. Avoid making accusations and statements that begin with you, which are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with I, it, we, let’s, and this, followed by facts. For example:

7. Give the Passive-Aggressive a Chance to Help Solve the Problem, If Appropriate.

Many passive-aggressive individuals behave as they do because they don’t believe they have a voice, or think that they’re not being listened to. When appropriate, include the person in discussions on challenges and solutions. Solicit their input. Ask, for example, "Given the desired outcome, how would you handle this issue?" See if they come up with any constructive solutions. On the other hand, if what you hear are mostly complaints and criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Simply say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, and get on with what you need to get done.

Since passive-aggressive individuals operate covertly, they will almost always put up resistance when confronted on their behavior. Denial, excuse making, and finger pointing are just a few of the likely retorts. Regardless of what they say, declare what you're willing to do going forward. Importantly, offer one or more strong consequences to compel the passive-aggressive to reconsider his or her behavior.

The ability to identify and assert consequence is one of the most powerful skills we can use to "stand down" a passive-aggressive person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the difficult individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation. In my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.

Although passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with, there are many effective skills and strategies you can employ to minimize their damage and gain their cooperation, while increasing your own confidence, composure, and problem-solving prowess. It’s one important aspect of leadership success.

The problem with all this is that people label others passive aggressive just because the other person doesn't give them what they want.

I mean, who hasn't been on the receiving end of an ignored email? Or more than one? Calling that passive aggressive pretty much makes the term another buzzword like co-dependent.

Relationships don't happen in a vacuum and most of us aren't psychologists. So how do we know we're dealing with passive aggression and not just someone who doesn't want to do what you want them to do? People own their own lives. That doesn't make them passive aggressive.

Also, the p/a pattern is useful in dealing with a lot of situations where you just need to get something done, not psychoanalyze your co-workers.

I've found that a lot of people just won't take No for an answer. Just because the wife asks the husband to fix a faucet and he doesn't want to -- why does her request trump his desire to do what he wants for a while? Why does that make him p/a?

Truth is -- it doesn't. Passive aggression, when applied to everyday situations, is a red herring. You have a request from one person to another. Deciding the person asking has the high road and the person refusing is passive aggressive is just ignorant. Pop psychology of the worst sort. Repressed memories, anyone?

"I've found that a lot of people just won't take No for an answer. Just because the wife asks the husband to fix a faucet and he doesn't want to -- why does her request trump his desire to do what he wants for a while? Why does that make him p/a?"

Where was it implied her request trumps his desire to do what he wants for a while? I missed that, and I want to understand where that comes from.

In the scenario you described, you only expressed the people's desires. There is no passive-aggressiveness there because the behavior isn't present. She wants him to fix the faucet. He wants to do something else. That's all you covered.

If he says, "Nope, I want to do x,y,z right now." He's not being passive-aggressive because he doesn't intend to do it and clearly says no. Saying no doesn't mean you're passive-aggressive.

If the husband said, "Sure, honey!" and doesn't do it, that's passive-aggression because he appeared to comply (since he said he'd do it) but then passively resists (by not doing it). That meets the definition posed at the beginning of the article.

This is a short article with limited scope. It's directed at someone who is noticing passive-aggressive behavior and giving them advice on how to communicate with the person more effectively. That's all.

How is passive-aggressiveness useful? If the husband agrees to fix the faucet and doesn't, then the faucet doesn't get fixed. So the wife asks him again. He's probably just trying to relax and doesn't want his wife coming in and asking him repeatedly about the faucet. It doesn't seem like either of them are getting what they want out of the situation, the wife because she won't take no for an answer, and the husband because he is being passive-aggressive in response.

In the example of a wife wanting the faucet fixed and the husband agreeing but not doing it, the wife would be reading this article. She has noticed he keeps saying he'll do it, but then he doesn't, so she's reading this article to see how to approach the situation better. Meaning, she who won't take no for an answer will be changing, which would certainly be helpful to the husband. Tips 7 & 8 are interesting here.

7. Give the Passive-Aggressive a Chance to Help Solve the Problem (If Appropriate)
In the dynamic proposed, the husband agrees because he feels the wife won't take no for an answer. That means he feels he doesn't have a voice, just as the author said. The wife reads this. She tries the question the author proposes, instead of doing what she did before she asks, "The faucet is broken, how would you handle fixing it?" Maybe this compels him to be honest and say, "I'd call a plumber." Continuing with the same conversation...

8. Set Consequence to Lower Resistance and Compel Cooperation
The wife still wants the husband to do it. He said he'd rather call a plumber. She has a reason for him wanting to do it, and he has a reason for wanting to call the plumber. She tries explaining the consequences by saying,"The plumber would cost $80, and our budget is tight so it'd come out of our savings for a new TV."

Husband: "No, I don't want to take the money from our new TV savings. Does the faucet really need to be fixed? I'm tired from work and want to relax."

Wife: "Well, it's dripping all the time. I'm concerned about the water being wasted, and the sound is bothering me. Can you fix it on your next day off?"

Ok... She wants him to fix it, and maybe he absolutely won't. She probably won't like hearing this, but she'll know where he stands now. Basically she can call a plumber or fix it herself. Who knows, maybe he'll tell he about his "plumbing repair" book and she'll be empowered to fix it herself. Or maybe they'll just call the plumber. Maybe when she is willing to listen to him and he is willing to be honest, the faucet would be repaired. The faucet would be fixed and maybe both of them would get to relax.

If someone who won't take no for an answer is receiving passive-aggressive behavior, utilizing the tips in this article would help them stop acting like that. Sounds like a good thing to me.

If this hypothetical husband said he'd fix this faucet but he knows he's not going to, that is, in fact, passive aggressive. I thought the reply did cover the situation well: if he says he doesn't want to but the wife doesn't accept that, there are better ways to deal with the situation than a back & forth in which she nags and he stalls. If she gets sick of nagging and, instead of involving him in the decision, takes it upon herself to call a plumber and spends part of their TV budget without consulting him, that would also be passive aggressive.
Maybe this pretend couple had deeper issues. Maybe she's not concerned about the faucet at all. Maybe she's resentful of his down time and is being passive aggressive herself in even asking. Maybe he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know how to fix the faucet. Maybe she broke the faucet and he thinks she ought to suffer for it. Even if you think it's justified, it's still passive aggressive, and it's still harmful to everyone involved. No one is getting their way, and the faucet is still broken.

ok so now sometimes he's pa and sometimes she's pa and we're all pa and woo hoo babay! Man you're flinging that pa label around as if you have a clue what you're talking about. Where did you get your armchair degree again? Psych U?

She would not ask if there wouldn't be a reason! It is easyer to get done it herself than to ask someone. If she have asked than answer properly, so she knows without guessing "what now"? It is not a sollution if he says later, but than one moth goes, second month goes ... She is also tired. It has become so easy for men - they have only work, but women have to work, prepare, clean, take care of children and so on, so on. When they change situation men are those who can not stand. You are way too far from perfect, so stop teaching others. Everyone has right to live like they want

passive aggression is not when someone says no it is when they punish the person for not being what they wanted not by an adult discussion but by withdrawing and key ENJOYING watching the other person suffer when they do not know what they have done wrong. No is wrong when it is repeated because it represents a wrong attitude eg; I have been at work all day so I do not have to help in the house.As in my ex who saw a similar attitude in his father , identified it as wrong and then did it himself; the ultimate lack of self awareness.

You have this a little wrong. There are two types of people; think of the flight or fight response. Those that fight are the ones that will be direct, yell to get their point of across, get heated in an argument, etc. Those that would have fled in response to a threat 200,000 years ago deal with things, well, passive aggressively. That fact that you wrote this tells me you're a fighter. You'd be the one your partner tells to calm down in an argument. Your partner would tell you you're being unreasonable while maintaining their composure in an argument. Except they're not maintaining their composure, they've fled. Leaving you to argue with someone that's shut down which only makes you angrier. There's a list of things that happen over and over consistently and predictibly depending on whether on you're a fighter or a flighter. It's not righ or wrong, good or bad, just that way two different types of people respond to their environment based on their perspective instinct to conflict.

You have this a little wrong. There are two types of people; think of the flight or fight response. Those that fight are the ones that will be direct, yell to get their point of across, get heated in an argument, etc. Those that would have fled in response to a threat 200,000 years ago deal with things, well, passive aggressively. That fact that you wrote this tells me you're a fighter. You'd be the one your partner tells to calm down in an argument. Your partner would tell you you're being unreasonable while maintaining their composure in an argument. Except they're not maintaining their composure, they've fled. Leaving you to argue with someone that's shut down which only makes you angrier. There's a list of things that happen over and over consistently and predictably depending on whether on you're a fighter or a "flighter." It's not right or wrong, good or bad, just that way two different types of people respond to their environment based on their respective instinct to conflict.

I think that's a bit of an over- simplification. We all have both flight AND fight instincts. Our individual life experiences have much to do with how those urges manifest in our day-to-day. We also have the ability to change the way we react to things.

Anonymous02 gave a good example of passive-aggressive behavior, and some good examples of how to handle p-a behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a way to express hostility indirectly or covertly. Its sneaky hostility; its plausibly-deniable hostility. It involves deception: that whole description of "the knife behind the smile" really nails the concept.

Another example would be a passive-aggressive supervisor who on the surface seems to think well of Joe, an accountant in his department: "Great job, Joe; the boss will be pleased with this financial analysis of yours." But then the supervisor re-writes parts of the report to make it subtly inaccurate before giving it to the boss, so that Joe will appear incompetent or lazy. The supervisor actually dislikes Joe and would like to fire him, but can't find any legitimate reason to justify firing Joe. So the supervisor passive-aggressively, or covertly begins to undermine Joe's reputation as a good accountant and analyst, making it easier to fire Joe sooner or later, while still appearing to like Joe to his face.

Its not easy to handle such a situation, when a supervisor is willing to risk his own reputation in order to seriously harm yours, but, I think if Joe asks the big boss if he can turn in his next report to him directly, it might be worth the risk.

I think one big piece missing here is in defining the power structure. Those in a one-down position often have to resort to P/A type behavior. It's beta behavior vs alpha behavior.

I also think casually applying the P/A label by non-professionals is doing a big dis-service to people. The P/A model seems to need hostility to actually be P/A.

A man wanting to lie on the couch and having to lie to his wife to do is just pathetic. That guy isn't P/A he's just been neutered by wifey.

Discerning our own motives would be a refreshing change for most people as well. When you aren't getting what you want from someone ask yourself if you should. Are you respecting their boundaries? I see very often someone getting the pandering P/A label or narcissist (that's another trendy one to slap on people) when what's really going on is aggressiveness from the one doing the labeling. There's a label for that too. Projection.

You reacted to this very well, joey. Only, 'anonymous' was being OVERTLY hostile and aggressive. You chose to disengage. Engaging overtly hostile individuals is not constructive, because their intentions and actions are evident and not deceptive, like passive-aggressives tend to be, so no real intervention is needed if their actions and ill intent is put on plain display for all to see.

And you used humour to disarm and disempower the sting of his attack ('neutered' vs 'spayed').

And may I add: what a cheap trick to seek to emasculate a man that is civilized and mindful of decent interpersonal or intimate relationships with females. Really tired.

"I also think casually applying the P/A label by non-professionals is doing a big dis-service to people. The P/A model seems to need hostility to actually be P/A."

Your assessment of the setting for this behavior coincides with my understanding of human behavior. Before I was hospitalized and syndicated, facing the normative injustices of modern life, I was quite identifiably hostile; still am to a severely diminished degree. Going to college (with the goal of doing well), and interacting in groups with a identifiable power structure, gave me the 'tact' to know when to back down; even if I didn't agree.

Speaking of aggressive: I noticed that you use causality thinking to justify the actions of people. Then you fall back on the trite pants/skirt misconception of marriage. What everyone seems to have failed to realize in this is that marriage is one of two things.

1.) You love someone so much that you will spend the rest of your life with them.
2.) You love someone enough that you won't kill them when they viciously go after everything you own.

He's not subjugated by 'wifey', he's indoctrinated by a tradition that is, at best, outdated. I would go as far as to consider it a joke, a bad one, and the couple unspokenly realized it's just more convenient to deal with the person down the path of least resistance, than to legally claw away at each other's possessions. Everyone should have a prenup, and be allowed to cosign on different ventures that come along in a relationship.

Like, if they fix the sink *gasp* together. They can assume joint ownership of the facut. This still ignores any sanctity of marriage, but maybe if it were examined from a rational perspective it would gain more favorability, at least, in my eyes.

"I also think casually applying the P/A label by non-professionals is doing a big dis-service to people. The P/A model seems to need hostility to actually be P/A."

Your assessment of the setting for this behavior coincides with my understanding of human behavior. Before I was hospitalized and syndicated, facing the normative injustices of modern life, I was quite identifiably hostile; still am to a severely diminished degree. Going to college (with the goal of doing well), and interacting in groups with a identifiable power structure, gave me the 'tact' to know when to back down; even if I didn't agree.

Speaking of aggressive: I noticed that you use causality thinking to justify the actions of people. Then you fall back on the trite pants/skirt misconception of marriage. What everyone seems to have failed to realize in this is that marriage is one of two things.

1.) You love someone so much that you will spend the rest of your life with them.
2.) You love someone enough that you won't kill them when they viciously go after everything you own.

He's not subjugated by 'wifey', he's indoctrinated by a tradition that is, at best, outdated. I would go as far as to consider it a joke, a bad one, and the couple unspokenly realized it's just more convenient to deal with the person down the path of least resistance, than to legally claw away at each other's possessions. Everyone should have a prenup, and be allowed to cosign on different ventures that come along in a relationship.

Like, if they fix the sink *gasp* together. They can assume joint ownership of the facut. This still ignores any sanctity of marriage, but maybe if it were examined from a rational perspective it would gain more favorability, at least, in my eyes.

Here is really the obnoxious situation that spouses complain about: the moment when you realize that your partner is avoiding going along with you using some passive aggressive response. And you need to stop yourself reacting with anger and frustration, to be able to think…and do what is best for your peace of mind.

If you suffer passive aggressive behavior, remember the basic ideas:

In a marriage, you need to be able to accept the aggravation of doing honest emotional confrontation. When people are unhappy with some aspect of the shared household chores, it behooves to each one to confront the other about the difference and negotiate a better result.

A person in this situation needs to invest some emotional capital, time, patience and other resources to be able to negotiate and get to a shared decision…Implicit here is that you acknowledge that having consensus with your partner is important for your individual satisfaction.

Well, scratch all that. We are back into childhood territory, where using the passive aggressive shortcut allows him to express some negative feelings doing smart obstruction of your planning. Throw into the pot the satisfaction that revenge provides, and you can see why passive aggression is the winning choice!

Here we can answer with the first choice: ignore as many of the passive aggressive games as you can. Don’t even mention that you discover his game, to start with. As soon as you call him “you are acting in a passive aggressive way,” they will begin harassing you with this term, challenging you to prove it, and making fun of you.

Remind yourself that your passive aggressive partner is doing this for a lot of personal reasons: attention, keeping a sense of being your victim, revenge (from a real or imagined hurt from you) or just to show that they don’t have to do what you are asking them to do, as to keep alive the little rebel against the world they have inside.

If you don’t react, they don’t get the reward they were seeking and eventually, they will stop the behavior. Remember one of the principles of Whale Done: reward good behavior, ignore bad behavior. So many times is easier to slam the door, go to the movies by yourself, go shopping, visit a friend, and leave the battle ground instead of engaging in a lost battle. Besides, you have the opportunity to remember how much fun you can get from normal activities otherwise forgotten in your daily life!

What if the situation is such that you need to confront? If so, you need to control yourself: avoid raising your voice, yelling or crying..Strong emotions are something they can’t manage and in the best case scenario, they will quit the room or worst, they will confront you.

And say little, but whatever you say, it has to be something you can follow through later. Don’t bluff: if you say I will not cook, don’t enter the kitchen! I have too many calls of women in their 50s, telling all the complains about him, but they accept that they continue doing their part of household chores as if they were satisfied with their marriages.

State how the behavior is causing harm, declare that you can’t tolerate the offending behavior and say the consequences that will follow if they don’t quit.

What the message is to remind you that you have choices, that some choices are better than others, and that using your choices you can recover your personal power.

It seems passive-aggressive is being used to label people who don't 'go along' when they 'should.' Do any of you people slapping that label on others even actually know what it means?

To the above poster, has it occurred to you that you're in a simple power struggle? You want what you want and if you don't get it then the other person must have a problem. That's what I get from your post. The battle lines are drawn and you're even trying to poison other women against their husbands and marriages by telling them not to cook!

You say that if you accuse him of being passive aggressive he just tells you to prove it. Well duh! Are you a licensed psychologist? And if you are, what the hell are you doing using that to lord it over your husband at home?

What if he accused you of having a personality disorder? I'm quite sure he could cobble some psycho-babble together and make a convincing argument. How would you like them apples?

Example of my partner was he did not want to get a HPI check on a car/forgot before buying and instead of taking responsibility for this he made it my fault, when later questioning its roadworthiness, for only giving him a limited budget for a car rather than the fact he forgot to do the HPI check. The aggressiveness came when he charmed my dad into this also and got him to be aggressive with his own daughter. We have wised up to him now and they have helped me get him out of my life.

"If you don’t react, they don’t get the reward they were seeking and eventually, they will stop the behavior. Remember one of the principles of Whale Done: reward good behavior, ignore bad behavior."

I have found this to be true. Even if it does not eliminate the behavior, it takes away much of the incentive to keep it up at the same level or to escalate. Not participating when it is reasonable to do so--for example, helping around the house--sets up an awful dynamic that only the non-PA partner can break up.

I am married to an PA man. My daughter asked for my assistance in meeting a deadline when her boss changed up a proposal, so she had me do some work on some Excel sheets. I have a HS education. My husband, with a masters sat down and proceeded to look over her Powerpoints and make his own observations which basically she ignored as she was busy with her project. He loves to remind me about his advanced degree, but we all know he is often clueless, does not pay attention, and cannot be relied on. Since I had prepared dinner earlier, dishes sat in the sink since I was busy helping my daughter. He proceeded to also dump in his dishes and started to walk away. I guess his guilt got the best of him and he cleared the sink and started the dishwasher. The next morning I awoke to no coffee made (he makes it daily) and found he had placed some cookware he knows does not go in the dishwasher...he sent it through the cycle anyway. I deal with this crap all the time. He is very confident on the outside, doing a dog and pony show for whichever situation he finds himself in. At work functions he parades me like a toy dog, but when its just us he is an avoidant, disrespectful, hateful ass. His nutty mother steals little kitchen gadgets every time she visits, ie., two vege peelers, a pair of kitchen scissors, strawberry corer, apple slicer and most recently a wine opener. Maybe PA is genetic. either way, I am not terribly bothered by it as I see they create, or karma creates its own punishment for these people and I get along just fine. Letting it go seems to open up the goodness in the world to me. I accept I cannot change his behavior, but I can control how I respond. Life in my view has one simple rule...simply do the right things.

I find it interesting that a woman needs a man to fix her faucet. He doesn't want to and is labelled passive aggressive. She doesn't want to fix it and becomes angry when he won't. Is she not the passive aggressive person?
It's 2015, she is capable of learning how to fix a faucet. Or pay for it herself. Not sure why she would get to decide where the plumbing money comes from and use it as a threat and or punishment.
I found this argument very bizarre.

You may work for a fantastic corporation, but it is the workmates you need to watch out for. It can be only one person. Never allow this person to get the better of you. Do not give an inch. This is a great key.

P/A doesn't apply to people who aren't going along. We all have free will. Even a white lie to avoid confrontation to get out of doing something you don't want to do is not P/A.

Passive-aggression is the knife behind the smile. It covert behavior intended to undermine you while smiling to your face.

My roommate engages in this sort of behavior to get a rise out of me ,to punish me, to make herself feel superior. How do i deal with her? I just avoid her altogether, withdraw as much energy and presence from her as I can and engage her formally and being in control (of myself)

For example, she makes snippy comments.....like back handed compliments, snide remarks but is convinced she is a good, kind person who gets along with everyone.

She is lazy but very materialistic, self-centered, and greedy. She will do things under the pretense of helping me but which is readlly geared at helping herself. She thinks she is superior by being lazy but somehow cleverly able to manipulate people to get what she wants without expending the effort.

When she doesn't get her way she covertly attacks. For example, she offered to share her food with me. (I had my own food, thank you very much). I thanked her and said she could help herself to mine, if she wanted. (I never touched hers.) Weeks later, she ran out of her stuff and after offering to share notified me that it was my turn to restock the food we were sharing - even though we weren't.

I responded by telling her that I thought it best that we provide our own food -- buy and eat our own.

The next day she took all the food out of the refrigerator, including mine and hid it!

I noticed, and chuckled to myself, but said nothing.

One day when I walked passed her room, I noticed all of the food bulging out from her her bed, scattered on the floor, etc. Again I ignored.

Still, not getting a reaction to "punishing" me for not pandering to her scheme to get me to buy her food, so she wouldn't have to go to the store, she left passive-aggressive notes about how someone had stolen her food -- even though she had stolen mine!

To this, I notified her that I had seen that she had taken all the food and absconded with it -- and that I saw it scattered all over her floor. She apologized and explained that since we were no longer sharing, she thought she should take it away, not realizing she had taken mine too -- but now that I brought this to her attention, would I be willing to go back to "sharing" again. I told her no thank you.

Still not getting the results she wanted, she is now "being the better person" by generous returning my food by leaving a piece of fruit and slice of bread out for me each morning, essentially rationing the food she has stolen.

In stead of feeling grateful at this olive branch and willing to renegotiate, I just bought my own food, which I have in my own refrigerator, and let her offering sit there. I let her keep her pilfered stuff....looking at it, much less eating it...makes reminds me of what a P.A nut she is.

It's all the psychological games they play that can drive you nuts. She does is while smiling to my face and acting like the happiest, most generous person around....

I guess I am being PA by ignoring her..but the truth is, I am just disengaging and not playing the game..and that is driving her nuts. I am actually a very straight forward individual..and am refusing to allow her to manipulate me.

So, to be clear, PA isnt about others not doing what YOU want...it's about the stealth subversion. If you ask me to go to a party and I refuse, telling you I need to get work done only to have you see me out with someone else enjoying myself, I haven't engaged in PA, but merely told a white lie. How I account for my time/business is none of your business. I had no obligation to tell you I'd rather spend my time with person B than you....just as you had no right to obligate me....We should offer our time/gifts without expectation, and accept the wishes/rights of others.

Now if I had told her I would show up, but didn't...and resented her for bothering to invite me such that I would make snippy comments whenver she saw me about how she is always wasting her time partying her life away and extending invitations to people who don't want to receive them, then I would be PA.

I hope this clarifies. PA is more than just not going along. There is a subversive, undermining, passively aggressive component to it -- with aggression implying some infringement on your rights and desire to undercut you to get what they want or just to feel superior, bolstering themselves up at your expense, etc.

I think it is difficult for most people to understand passive-aggressive behaviour. It is hard to know if the person is doing something deliberately or not. I think passive-aggressive people enjoy making others confused; it makes them feel powerful. They are the ones calling the shots, for awhile anyway. The author is correct about the futility of confronting the PA. Don't bother telling them that they are passive-aggressive but learn to insist on certain behaviours. A person might be late a and then meet you and act like they've done nothing wrong. They use social pressure to make you feel uncomfortable confronting them. It's a game, "Now, let's just get on with things", is the message, "We will not talk about what just happened". But you should. If someone is always late, bring it up. Say, "I thought the lesson started at 1?" Don't accuse them of being passive-aggressive. Don't ask what you did to offend them. Most likely you did something to offend them or they took offense to something you said or did and they think they can now punish you. That's what passive-aggressive behaviour is all about.