The party that served as the centerpiece of tonight's episode of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" was supposed to raise awareness of first responders. It did. Two women start screeching and snatching at one another's hair, and the first responders in the room all... completely fail to respond, first or otherwise.

But we have to give Amber Marchese and Nicole Napolitano a lot of credit. We haven't had a decent hair-yanking since season two. Keep it up, and the inevitable "Real Housewives of New Jersey" museum will have a whole wing devoted to follicularly-involved melees.

While Melissa and Joe wait to find out how much her latest scrape with the Bentley is going to cost to fix ($7,062, which is more than twice the Blue Book value of my car, but I'm only in the metaphorical garbage business), she fills him in on what she learned about Jim Marchese vis-a-vis why he wouldn't attend the guys' night out. Melissa tells him he doesn't want to be around the Joes because he's "under the impression" that there's conflict. Under the impression? Like, the impression of Joe's fist on Joe's face? Melissa clarifies: "He says he doesn't want be around Joe (Giudice) for legal issues."

Melissa adds that Jim will be at Nicole and Bobby Ciasulli's first responders party, and Joe plans on having a few words with him there. "I don't like these people talking about my family. It's disgusting. I don't know how they sleep at night." If everyone who talked about the Giuidces' legal problems couldn't sleep at night, we'd have an insomnia epidemic on our hands. Ambien, please.

What Dina Manzo's house may lack in gilded trimmings and acres of marble it makes up for in SHOES. "I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I buy shoes," she tells us, as she and her assistant Luke sort through the 400-odd pairs looking for a few to donate — but they come up almost empty). But this is not an object lesson in conspicuous consumption; it's a metaphor for her romantic life. She's having a hard time letting go of her estranged husband Tommy, and she's not quite ready to date. Even if it's Nicole's hunky firefighter pal that could give Joe Manganiello a run for his hatchet? We'll see ...

Teresa Giudice, right, gets the scoop on a feud that, for once, does not center around her. Bravo

At a costume store in New York City, Melissa and Teresa Giudice are meeting up with Nicole and Teresa Aprea to find first responder uniforms. Apparently the civil servants these ladies have in mind only respond to mishaps at, say, bachelor parties. Melissa dons a sexy sailor suit. "I'm pretty sure a sailor's not a first responser," Teresa tells us. "Responser? Responder?" But they're not here to shop; they're here to play telephone. (If they did this on an actual telephone, the show would be only 15 minutes long.)

At Casa Giudice, Milania is scrounging around the settee for spare change. "Keep your money in your bra," she solemnly informs Audriana. Teresa calls the girls over for ice cream; Milania is yelling, and hey! It appears Teresa is actually attempting to discipline one of her daughters. "I'm right here," she tells Milania. "I want you to talk with your voice low." Milania: "You're so mean!" Discipline over!

Teresa tells us that in the past, she has had that "hot Italian temper." Greatest hits montage: Table-tipping! Country club hallway chasing! Andy Cohen pushing! But now she says that she wants to teach her girls that when someone wants to push their buttons, the best reaction is no reaction. "You kill them more when you don't react," she tells us. Let's see how long that lasts. Five, four, three, two ...

Meanwhile, she and Joe pull out a framed photo of the family reunion, and she tells them, with a little catch in her voice, that she wants the girls to have great memories of that day, and to always look out for one another. Gia: "Why are you crying?" That Gia, pulling her weight.

The Marchese are taping their new commercial. The less said, the better, although I must report that Jim says he's only in the mortgage business to support his family. What he really wants to do is write. Jim has written three books but never published them because he doesn't think they're good enough. I believe every single word in that sentence except for "he."

Everyone's getting ready for the first responders party, which Bobby tells us is "not about raising money. It's about raising awareness." Awareness of cleavage in tight uniforms, maybe. Should have asked for cash, Bobby. Searching for a costume, Dina, always the voice of reason, shares this pearl: "When women hear costume party, 'Ooh, let me dress like a slut and get away with it.' I'm not good at ho-ing it up." Teresa Aprea, later: "There's a difference between slutty, and then sexy and sensual." There is, Teresa. There is.

Joe, dressed as a firefighter, and Melissa, wearing the tightest SWAT shirt in existence — do they make SWAT uniforms for toddlers? Because she might have stolen one of their shirts — join Joe and Teresa in a limo. Teresa asks Melissa, "What's a SQUAT team?" You know, Tre, when the police need a tactical unit to take down a violent gang of ... Russian folk dancers.

Joe Giudice is wearing a suit; he says he's dressed as a lawyer. Later he changes his story; he's a detective. Either way: Ha! We see he's also been filled in as to Jim Marchese's thoughts on the optimal proximity to soon-to-be-felons. "I don't know the guy," Joe Giudice says. "I don't care what he does. He can work on a farm and (bleep) farm animals. I don't give a (bleep)." Sounds like he doesn't care a whole (bleeping) lot. Joe Gorga feels for him: "You don't kick a guy when he's down." If you follow that logic to conclusion, our prisons would be empty.

Nicole Napolitano is determined to confront Amber Marchese about the rumor she shared with Melissa Gorga. Bravo

At Bobby's house before the party, Nicole tells him that she plans on talking to Amber about the rumor she passed along to Melissa, but Bobby, Jim's best friend, clearly wants nothing to do with this. "I'm not getting caught in the middle of the drama." If I had a dollar for every time someone on "RHONJ" has said that .... I'd still be writing these recaps, but I'd be drinking a higher caliber of vodka while doing so.

Dina decided to don scrubs — she actually looks pretty cute — and Nicole and Teresa introduce her to Matt the firefighter. Well, "introduce" is not the right term. Foist her on to him? Thrust? "You want to take a cute guy's heartbeat?" one of the twins says, holding Dina's stethoscope up to Matt's chest. Dina is clearly uncomfortable, and later tells Nicole that she needs to back off a bit. When Matt asks her out, Dina suggests a group date. "I think obviously you're adorable," she tells him. "You know that, you look in the mirror. I'm just, like, newly separated and I've never dated before." Matt takes it fairly well, but gets her to agree to a night out in Manhattan.

Rosie Pierri and Kathy Wakile show up, Rosie as a sniper, Kathy ... bearing emergency cannoli. In my book, bakers should be first responders, too.

The Gorgas and the Giudices arrive. "You excited to meet Jim tonight?" Rino Aprea asks Joe Giudice. Then Jim and Amber show up. Bobby gives big hugs to Amber and Jim, and Amber shares a pleasant greeting with Joe Giudice. Jim also shakes Joe's hand and tells him it's nice to meet him. And then Jim tells us, "I just try to stay away from people I believe have a tendency to get into trouble." WRONG CABLE CHANNEL, JIM. After Jim leaves, Joe tells the Gorgas, "You know what he is? He's one of those guys that goes along and they're playing along and they play you and they play you." Joe might be a little drunk.

Amber and Teresa A. share a (very distant) air kiss. When Amber asks how she's doing, Teresa tells her she could be better. "I have so many issues, but I'm not gonna get into them right now," Teresa says. "Issues about?," Amber probes. Teresa: "With my sister, with you." Amber: "Do you want to elaborate?" Teresa walks away. Amber tells us she has no idea why Teresa is angry, but she has a bad feeling. I get one of those every single Sunday night around 8 p.m.

Teresa A. has walked over to Nicole and asks her to confront Amber, who has followed. "I'm in no mood to fight," Teresa A. absolutely lies to us. "This is my sister's boyfriend's home, but at the same time, I'm not a phony."

Melissa butts in: "How did all this negative start right off the bat?" Nicole turns on her: "It started from you, actually." Amber turns to Melissa: "It started from you?" I think Melissa is now getting one of those patented "RHONJ" bad feelings.

But Nicole returns to Amber: "You owe me an apology, for talking behind my back that I'm a ho."

Melissa, who clearly doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, suddenly becomes an ombudsman. "Well, she never said you were a ho." Amber tells her this has nothing to do with her, and snaps, "The two of you, let's go!," whipping her finger around and signaling the twins to follow her out of the room. Teresa knows that's not how this game is played and stays put. "I'm not talking like this," Amber insists, waving her finger back and forth. "I'm not your dog, Amber," Nicole says, snapping her fingers in Amber's face, which prompts Amber to grab her wrists and push them away.

If you've spent any time in New Jersey, you know what comes next.

HAIR. IS. PULLED!

It looks like Nicole did the yanking first, but almost immediately Amber grabs a hank, and then they're in this weird position, both of their heads pulled towards each other like they're about to pose for a selfie, except they're both snarling. Dina tries to pull Nicole away, and Rosie shoulders her way in between to the two ladies with a "Take it easy!"

"This is my best friend's house, and I'm not gonna stoop down to this level!" Amber says. (What? I can't hear you all the way down there, Amber.) "This is why (Bobby) won't marry your (bleeping) ass," she tells Teresa. One of the twins appears to smack Amber, and it looks like Teresa A. tosses her drink at Amber. Then they're back to the hair-pulling until Matt, the hot fireman, finally intercedes, along with Jim, who wrestles Amber away while she yells, "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?"

Jim shows her a tuft of hair. "Is that my hair?," Amber says. "Of course it's your hair," he says, and tries to, I don't know, tuck it in her pocket? Hey legal eagle, if you watched the second season of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" and the Great Weave Yanking of Ought Nine, you'd know this may be evidence.

Amber is shocked, just shocked by this turn of events. "This was my friend that I love," she tells us. "I have never said in a million years that she broke up a family." Cue the videotape! "What I heard was that Nicole broke up a family." Back to the present: "Melissa just completely twisted my words." Shooting the messenger is, of course, a time-honored custom on "Real Housewives of New Jersey." Glad to see Amber is a traditionalist.

"I thought a conversation between all of us was gonna happen, that Nicole was going to be able to clear her name," Melissa tells us. "I'm in shock that it went to this level." Everyone is so shocked! The only thing shocking about this altercation is that it happened so early in the season.

Joe Gorga, Joe Giudice and Bobby are upstairs in the kitchen when Amber bursts in. "What did I (bleeping) tell you," she yells at Bobby. "They're animals!" Jim drops the hank of Amber's hair on the kitchen island. "Tell your girlfriend to keep it under control," Jim warns Bobby.

Joe Gorga, meanwhile, uses this opportunity to confront Jim: "Don't let your wife talk about my wife," he tells Jim. Then Rino decides to horn in on the act, approaching Jim from the other side and insisting, for some odd reason, that Jim take his hands out of his pockets.

"You think you're a (bleeping) big shot," Rino tells Jim. "You know what you are? You're a jerk-off." Really, Rino? A jerk-off? That's the best you can do? I suggest you Google "Billy Batts" and "shinebox" and take notes. Anyway, Rino persists: "You don't want to hang out with us because you're an attorney." Joe Gorga: "I heard something about that."

Jim tries to appeal to Bobby, but Bobby still wants no part of this. "Whatever I tell him is not to go back to Joe Gorga or Joe Giudice," Jim tells us. "He never should have put me in that situation." And if Jim never wanted to be put in that situation, he should have steered clear of those burly men with cameras and boom mics.

Finally, Jim snaps. He leans into Joe Gorga — who is sitting next to Joe Giudice — and says, "I work with the same (bleeping) attorney general who's prosecuting your brother-in-law, you dumb (bleep). You want me to be Newark with the prosecutors? I prosecute mortgage fraud." Jim storms out, and Joe Gorga gets up to follow.

I know Jim speaking in the heat of the moment, but being an expert witness in mortgage fraud cases does not mean he is actually prosecuting mortgage cases. And if he was SO worried about tainting Joe Giudice's criminal case, then perhaps he should not have signed up to be on a reality show with JOE GIUDICE.