Dear Emuna: Losing Faith

Struggles with faith and concerns that a neighbor is harming his children.

The fact that your name is Emuna, faith in Hebrew, must mean that you have a strong connection to the word. I have been struggling for a LONG time with my belief and trust in God. I have a hard time with the why bad things happen to good people. I have had to deal with many tough life circumstances (no worse than many others, I guess), but I still cling to the fact that God runs this world (since He created it) and knows what's best, and we only see a fraction of the picture, etc. So my question is, how do I know that God is pleased with me or not? In other words, I feel like I'm doing all the right things to serve Him, yet I keep getting sent difficulties that supposedly I can overcome, although sometimes I feel totally helpless. Can you help?

-- Struggling

Dear Struggling

I’m not sure whether my name is a help or a hindrance on this issue. We all have the same potential for deep faith and trust in the Almighty. It is our spiritual inheritance from our forefather Abraham. Having the potential and accessing it are of course not the same. We sometimes make the mistake of thinking that there is just one more thing I need to do and then I will have acquired emuna. It is a lifelong challenge and a constant choice. I have to choose it at 3:01 and then again at 3:02 and if I’m lucky maybe not again until 3:05. It is the willingness and determination to keep making the choice that forges our trust and our relationship with God.

As you mention we all have tough life circumstances; no one has a carefree existence, whatever the external appearances will be. You’ve probably heard the famous parable where a group of people is told to put their troubles in a bag in the middle of the circle and then choose which bag they want. Everyone, of course, chooses their own bag. On some level, we recognize that the situation we are in is tailor-made for us and offers the best opportunities for growth and closeness to the Almighty.

While I understand your pain and confusion, I don’t think your question is that right one to ask. If you are serving the Almighty to the best of your ability then you can be confident that He is, so to speak, pleased with you. The fact that you continue to confront challenges does not invalidate that. As my husband is fond of pointing out, the Almighty is not a coke machine. We don’t put in the prayers or the mitzvot, push a button and get what we want.

In the first place, what we think we want may not ultimately be good for us and so the Almighty won’t give to us. Secondly, our desires, prayers and mitzvot are only a piece of the puzzle in the Almighty’s accounting. He has to taken into account the implications of every action and event on all the people affected -- on the family, the community, the Jewish people…Divine providence is a complex phenomenon and can’t be analyzed or described in simple mathematical equations.

As far as feeling helpless, there is both a positive and negative aspect to that. On the one hand, we need to make our effort. We need to make our choices. On the other hand, we need to recognize that the outcome is NOT in our hands; it is completely and totally in the Almighty’s hands. And that sense of powerless is good for us. That gives us perspective and should ultimately allow us to relax. It’s not up to us; it’s up to our wise and omnipotent Father in Heaven who only wants and only does what’s best for us.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna

I live in apartment building and late one night, walking by the door of a family that recently moved in, I heard some terrible screaming and yelling. The father was berating his 10 year old daughter, cursing her out in a manner that sent chills down my spine. This wasn't just a typical parent losing his cool; it was scary. I didn't hear any evidence of physical violence, but I am concerned. Should I call child services? Or is that jumping the gun and not very neighborly?

-- Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned Neighbor,

Not knowing where you live makes the answer more difficult. In Los Angeles, the Jewish community has representatives who have made themselves experts in this area and have also made relationships with the appropriate government departments. The advantage of this is that they are the first step in referral; the case doesn’t land immediately in the lap of some faceless government bureaucrat.

Even if there is no official system in place, I would recommend speaking to a community leader – the rabbi of your community, the school principal, someone in a position of authority who has likely dealt with similar situations like this is the past – and either ask their advice or, even better, hand it over to them to take responsibility.

We don’t want to close our eyes to any type of abuse, but we also want to be careful not to interfere inappropriately or even, God forbid, destructively in someone else’s family. We don’t know what actions will put the children at greater risk or when the government mandates removing them from the home, no matter the psychological and spiritual cost.

This is definitely a situation calling for professionals and even they need to proceed with caution. They should be your first line of inquiry; child services is for when all other options have been exhausted.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 12

(11)
Anonymous,
February 20, 2014 11:17 PM

about struggling

usually when people have these doubts they look for answers somewhere else - moving to a new community, where there are religious families, shiurim (wonderful speeches) given by Rabbis and their wives.MANY people go to Israel and find their spot there. If you are (spiritually) lost and don't know where to go, you should find a rabbi, be it Chabad, or Sefaradi, online or in person, or any other religious area where you can have long talks and be inspired to pray and believe that g-d REALLY is there. You probably haven't found the right place to ask your questions yet, but I guarantee you, you will find him!

(10)
Elisheva,
October 18, 2010 1:47 PM

potential abusive situation

Several commentors disagree with Emuna, and say that the neighbor should call child services immediately, with even the suspicion of a child in danger. I think that Emuna's point is valid-- although clearly the situation isn't great for the 10 year old, having child services remove her from her home may not be warranted -- and possibly even more emotionally damaging to the child than keeping her in her home with proper outreach involved. Also, even if the child DOES need to be removed from her home, it is beneficial to have a community organization involved, rather than "some faceless government beaurocrat"-- so that the child's needs are better understood in the context of how she has been growing up until now (e.g. Shabbos, kosher, etc-- a child can be traumatized by having everything familiar taken away, including religious needs).
Much as we like to rely on our government to fix everything, we all know it's not infallible. And often-times, those more involved in the particular community can better understand and better provide what is needed.

(9)
Andy,
July 14, 2010 7:50 PM

reply to the anonymous #8

My comment may have been worded in a way that was unclear. I believe you may have misunderstood and for you certain you misquoted me. I agree that spiritual giants such as Pearl Beinisch along with the Mengele survivor the "Holy Woman" Chaya Sarah Kramer and others including I suppose some victims of violent rape, incest etc do accept that everything comes from God and that it is on the real level good and tailor made for them. My problem with the article is that these examples are hardly "most people" who I believe do not share this view regarding similar trauma being opportunities for growth to get closer to the Almighty [even though through a big picture lens they indeed may be ] and I do not believe that most people would choose their own bag of troubles. Maybe they would if if they were aware of the big picture. I stated for me personally that requires a huge leap of faith but NOT blind faith. I may have been unclear but there is a big difference. Even Moses who spoke face to face with the Almighty required at least a small step of faith as when asked he was given no answer as to why the righteous suffer. Even requiring a huge leap is based on something tangible. Some sort of aknowledgement that God has given me many gifts and is not a complete stranger. That I trust him even though I can't always see the good. Blind faith is based on nothing which I believe Judaism does not demand. The commandment to know that there is a God seems to eliminate the need for blind faith.
Thank you for the suggestion re Rabbi A Tatz. I have for many years been an avid listener and reader of his material . Possibly I'm mistaken but I do not see a conflict between his Torah insights and his interpretaions of the sages'widom and what I have written in the comments.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 13, 2010 11:44 PM

to andy

this is in response to comment 6. did you read greater than angels? the interview with pearl beinisch?
she says at the end that she would not erase the years of horror that she lived during the holocaust, because she learned so much from it. she grew from it. read it!
and my teacher is also a survivor, and when she told us that everything hashem does is good and tailor made for each person, i skeptically asked as you do- everything? even the ghetto? the holocaust? and she said definitely yes.
answers like that come from unshakable emunah, trust in Hashem. Its not about blind leaps of faith. its knowledge of God and how He loves and cares for us.
(for m,ore information on this topic, i suggest you listen to classes by rabbi akiva tatz-he makes it fabulously clear)
i hope you learn more and are able to change your views, because you will have a happier life that way.

(7)
Anonymous,
July 13, 2010 11:07 AM

abuse

Continuous verbal abuse is mental abuse which leads often times to physical violence. The verbal threat of it is almost worse that the actual abuse.. I am a survivor of this tactic...Post traumatic stress disorders and the like...If it scared you...think of what it did to a ten year old girl...you didn't say if the child answered back.. I think probably not... for if she said anything... the threat of bodily harm probably kept her silent.... it is tricky.. because if do say something... and no one does anything... the blame will go on to the child...from the perpetrator...and he may go underground with his tactics...I agree with L.S. call someone and explain what happened, and if you have heard anything since.. sometimes a stressful move/ and or alchohol can make people say and do things they wouldn't normally do. I'm no expert but been there...D

(6)
Andy,
July 12, 2010 2:42 PM

weak links seem to invaidate case that God runs world and that one should have trust

"Everyone, of course, chooses their own bag." That sounds like a nice children's story to teach a valuable lesson, but seems to me to have little relation to reality. I'd wager many people who were permanently damaged as a result of abuse as a child, or a person who lost their children to Mengele's experiments, starvation etc in the holocaust etc etc would likely choose another's bag. Do you really believe what you write that those people and others in nightmarish situations[what's the 3 year old starving to death in Darfur learning that will benefit him?] " recognize that the situation we are in is tailor-made for us and offers the best opportunities for growth and closeness to the Almighty."
I confess that personally I am a believer in the Almighty's total goodness and perfect justice but I'm making a huge leap of faith. I can only make this leap as I accept our tradition that neither an accounting and/or judgment entailing reward and corrective punishment is determined solely only by our actions in this temporary world in one lifetime, and that reward and punishment is not limited to this world which makes the seeming cruelties God both causes and allows man to "get away with" possible to accept without destroying one's faith in Gods perfect goodness and justice. I have no problem admitting that based on the limited and conflicting evidence available to me that I may be mistaken in my belief that God is both involved in this world and is all good.

(5)
Ahuva,
July 12, 2010 1:36 PM

Why the wicked have it good?

This is a famous one. I recently learned that the Almighty removes His Divine Providence from people who consciously choose to keep Him out of their lives. Hence these are left to 'nature' or what is also called 'general providence' and if they're lucky will do very well (depending on how well they can juggle this world). On the other hand, the person who seeks a connection with G-d, who seeks spiritual growth, will inevitably receive 'special attention', having invited G-d into their lives. And since it is usually challenges that push people to change their ways, those good people seem to have more of them. I believe the sages say that if a person hasn't had a difficulty in the last 30 days, they should worry and repent since that is a sign that the Almighty is not looking.

Anonymous,
February 20, 2014 11:11 PM

you are mistaken= the wicked NEVER have it good.

You do not see what happens to people after they do horrible things. I know someone who spoke badly all the time about community leaders who lost a child. I know someone who, instead of divorcing his wife, chose to ignore her and treat her like a piece of garbage. He spent the last three years of his life in a nursing home, sick, unable to eat, walk or talk. So don't tell me the wicked have it good. What they deserve will come to them- we just don't see it.

(4)
L.S.,
July 12, 2010 11:26 AM

disagree with rebetzin braverman-CALL CHILD SERVICES IMMEDIATELY!

I have worked in a social work capacity with children. Often times, children are literally hurt because of people who want to be "cautious"; if the father is yelling at a 10 year old in such a manner it is more likely than not that physical/sexual abuse is happening as well. I have seen far too many cases of abuse to be able to "let someone else handle it". If you are worried about being "neighborly", you can place the call anonymously and no one will find out it was you who called. "Do not stand idle while your neighbor;s blood is being shed". CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!

(3)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2010 4:36 AM

dangerous advice

If the man is screaming and yelling in such a manner that it frightened the neighbor I feel one has to think safety rather than about destroying family life. Unfortunately talking to a rabbi or anyone else in the community, does not always result in anything being done. If you hear that kind of screaming you must play it safe and call the authorities. Chas v'shalom there should be an injury or loss of life.

(2)
Helen ferrieux,
July 11, 2010 7:19 PM

Child abuse?

I don't agree with this caution, Emuna. Where there is even a slight possibility of an unhappy child, I believe one must be courageous enough to enquire. If you're wrong - and let's hope you are - the worse is that you look like a meddlesome old biddy! Surely not a high price to pay to reassure yourself or help a child.

(1)
dg,
July 11, 2010 3:06 PM

helpful thought

I often tell people with the issue voiced by "Struggling" - when their good choices seem to be rewarded by G-d with painful challenges, that life can sometimes follow the standard pattern of (bear with me) video games. For anyone who has spent any time all playing them, they know that they are almost always divided by levels. Once you've succeeded at completing the first level, you move on to the next level which is inevitably more difficult. The idea is that once you've met one challenge, it's time to move up again by facing a challenge even more demanding. The good news is that, while in video games you'll eventually get out, in life you just keep growing and you never run out of "lives," no matter how many times you mess up. Keep at it, Struggling - it's all an opportunity to grow far more than you believe you can.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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