If Obnoxious Boston Fan ran the Red Sox ...

Larry Lucchino no longer "runs the Red Sox." I do. At least that’s what my editor tells me. The Josh Beckett-Adrian Gonzalez-Carl Crawford-Nick Punto trade/organ transplant/baptism/catharsis/purge/salary dump/housecleaning was just the start on my watch. Hope and change? Nope. More like Reality and Transformation. Spring Training 2013 began in August 2012. The roster tweaks, twists, presses and pulls and minor-league call-ups over the next month will pale in comparison to what’s on the way for 2013:
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The Boston Globe

<b>Larry, you're fired: </b> Larry Lucchino's time with the Red Sox was marked with stunning success, catastrophic failure and—in the end—a sense of hubris that brought this organization to a low point not seen since John Harrington put the 85-77 Red Sox up for sale after the 2000 season. Even with the quarter-billion dollar salary dump in Chavez Ravine—Thank you, Magic Johnson!—the Red Sox organization needs new direction and new leadership. The buck will stop here, there or wherever I am. John and Tom, you’re now free to settle into your luxury box at Anfield.
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<b>Ben, it's all yours: </b> Lucchino's tenure with the team was shorter than Ben Cherington’s—who began working with the team as an front-office intern at the age of 13 months. Ben should know where all the skeletons are buried – including Theo’s gorilla suit. He's been granted absolution for making the trade that brought Beckett to Boston by shipping Beckett to LA. Cherington has a solid baseball mind and was a Red Sox fan as kid – so he feels it in his bones, in contrast to the mercenary Lucchino. My directive: “Kid, you’ve got three years – don’t (expletive) it up.” Dan Duquette, you’re on deck.
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The Boston Globe

<b>Unplug Carmine: </b> We’ll replace Carmine with Strat-O-Matic Baseball. Instead of having Bill James and friends run the numbers, just place any potential free-agent signees or trade acquisitions in the Red Sox lineup and match them up against a group of AL East All-Stars or the defending World Series champs. Given some of the mega busts in the past few years – the Red Sox could not have done any worse.
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<b>The manager is … </b> Not Bobby Valentine. Having never bought the line that Valentine was somehow going to solve all the team’s problems by just being Bobby Valentine, this decision is a no-brainer. His tenure has been marked by missteps, a failure to earn the respect from his players and – as of late – a quitter’s heart. The manager has to be in it until the end and Valentine has done nothing to merit another year – even though he’ll be paid for it. Unfortunately, Joe Maddon is signed through 2015. Maybe the Rays would consider a deal if we threw in 10,000 extra fans per night. Who ya got, Ben?
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a curse from a Kenyan witch doctor. That didn’t work – until 2011. No doubt the $200 hex had a time delay and included a Robert Andino provision. To lift the lagging curse on the Red Sox –we’ll call for a mass exorcism at Fenway Park to redeem the team’s soul. All faiths are welcomed to participate. Once and for all – there will be no alcohol in the clubhouse at home or on the road unless the players are celebrating a playoff berth, pennant or World Series. Visiting teams are free to get hammered nightly. "/>

REUTERS

<b>Where's the witch doctor? </b>The Orioles tried to stop the Red Sox in 1975 with <a href="http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1291&dat=19750917&id=UGIzAAAAIBAJ&sjid=Lo0DAAAAIBAJ&pg=7072,1803675" target="_blank">a curse from a Kenyan witch doctor</a>. That didn’t work – until 2011. No doubt the $200 hex had a time delay and included a Robert Andino provision. To lift the lagging curse on the Red Sox –we’ll call for a mass exorcism at Fenway Park to redeem the team’s soul. All faiths are welcomed to participate. Once and for all – there will be no alcohol in the clubhouse at home or on the road unless the players are celebrating a playoff berth, pennant or World Series. Visiting teams are free to get hammered nightly.
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AP

<b>Who's the boss? </b>The all-encompassing Belichick, Parcells or Auerbach are rare exceptions in their abilities to master personnel, organization and the game itself. Most successful leaders delegate responsibility to those best suited to handle it. These players have guaranteed contracts and ownership must operate within the parameters of a lopsided collective bargaining agreement, but they don’t have to be coddled or excused for failure. On the 2013 Red Sox, everyone—players, coaches, management, the ticket guy – is accountable but there’s never any question who’s in charge. The bus to Pawtucket will always be gassed up and ready on Yawkey Way.
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The Boston Globe

<b>Lackey's next: </b>The first order of business – after getting rid of the Bud Light – is getting rid of the guy double-fisting it. Getting rid of him without having to eat the remainder of his deal might be the biggest challenge for the Red Sox since they replaced the troughs at Fenway with operating toilets. Dice-K is welcomed back – for the Japanese League minimum.
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<b>Looks are deceiving: </b>What good is a uniform when you have 50 or 60 different versions in season. Enough. One uniform at home. One uniform on the road. Sell as many different color jerseys as you can get away with – revenue is revenue – but when it comes to the players on the field – playing as a unit begins with looking like a team. Friday Night Red just doesn’t cut it anymore. And no names on the back – either. If Babe Ruth never had a name on the back of his jersey – surely Scott Podsednik will get by just being No. 26.
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<b>Farewell, Wally: </b>No more gimmicks – starting with the mascot. We’ll tell the kids and Jerry Remy that Wally ran off to Florida Keys with Alberta the Alligator. Take the unsold bricks and donate them to “Habitat for Humanity” or give them to Tim Thomas to use in his “End of Days” shelter. Our hatred of the Yankees will never wane, but they’ve managed to win the World Series 27 times without a mascot (Dandy was with the team from 1980-85). The Steelers and Packers have combined for 10 Super Bowl trophies without the benefit of cheerleaders. They might be on to something.
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<b>Sweet nothings: </b>The “Sweet Caroline” sendoff can be delivered in person by Neil Diamond on Opening Day. “The National Anthem,” “God Bless America” and “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” are sufficient. This is a baseball game – not “American League Idol.” Cue the Dropkick Murphys when they clinch a playoff spot. Time to wave good-bye to “The Wave,” as well.
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The Boston Globe

<b>Adult viewing: </b>Adult fans will be treated as … adults. The Politburo will no longer propagate the notion that all is well when it isn’t. One reason the Red Sox lost ground in the hearts and minds of fans these past 12 months was due to the litany of excuses presented for dysfunction off the field and failure on it. The Red Sox have three Hall of Famers on the NESN payroll. It’s painful to watch them contort after the latest wasted 9-run loss at Fenway. Jim Ed, Eck and Peter Gammons can take the gloves off. And Tom Caron, you’re free to scream, too.
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The Boston Globe

<b>Real deals: </b>The Red Sox need to reach out to fans – and not pick their pockets. The support of the fan base has been the base reason why ownership was able to commit a staggering $547 million to John Lackey, Dice-K, Josh Beckett, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford before the Great Salary Dump of 2012. Special discount games for children, students and seniors would send the right message. $5 bleacher nights will be alcohol free—unless Lackey is buying.

<b>Captain Ortiz: </b>The Red Sox need leadership at all levels – especially among the players. The lone holdover from both 2004 and 2007 – Ortiz is the only player in the clubhouse who has shown any semblance of leadership throughout the entire collapse of 2011-12. Re-signing Ortiz would some stability to the lineup and entrusting him with the role of a true team captain would do the same in the clubhouse.
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AP

<b>Red Sox for life: </b>Dustin Pedroia had a few missteps lately – but who in a Red Sox uniform hasn’t? Pedroia is only 29 and has the potential to join the likes of Jim Rice, Carl Yastrzemski and Ted Williams as lifetime Red Sox Hall of Famers. While he may not be ready or willing to be a team captain – Pedroia has the tools to be a franchise player. His effort, skill and willingness to win has never been questioned – an all-too rarity these days at Fenway Park. Pedroia’s current deal runs through (a team option) 2015 – time to add another five years.
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AP

<b>Viva Napoli! </b>Of all the potential free-agents this offseason – none have caused the Red Sox more pain than Mike Napoli. The catcher/DH/first baseman has a career .306 batting average at Fenway Park with seven homers in just 19 games. Even better is his .323 career average against the Yankees. Napoli, 30, is currently on the DL, but expects to be healthy before the end of the season. Napoli’s Texas teammate—Josh Hamilton—will be the biggest name and most tempting free agent available. Advice to the GM: “Been there, done that.”
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AP

<b>It's the pitching, stupid: </b>The real upgrade option comes from the outside. Zack Greinke would not fit nor function in Boston. Ervin Santana of the Angels and James Shields (pictured) of the Rays both have club options for next season but could be very gettable – and should be. Cliff Lee is another option if the team is able to shed Lackey’s salary.
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<b>Don't negotiate with terrorists: </b>Especially Scott Boras. The Red Sox have plenty of cash on hand to sign Jacoby Ellsbury. Boras said Ellsbury is “comfortable” with the Red Sox and might consider a deal before his contract expires after next season. That’s reassuring considering Ellsbury’s home run production has fallen off 90 percent this season. Maybe Jacoby needs Melky Cabrera or Bartolo Colon to mix his next Dunkin latte. Boras clients almost always test the market. Fine. Under this regime, Ellsbury will do it without the Red Sox participating. It would be the goal to either sign (perhaps 6-7 years, $110-20 million) or trade him before the 2013 season begins.
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