May underestimate the intensity of the situation. More inclined to put themselves in danger.

May jump in too soon and make things worse.

More inclined to argue.

More inclined to talk over another person.

Strengths of reserved people:

Tend to plan social interaction and not speak spontaneously.

Act deliberately around people, think before they act around people.

Many have cultivated a “social voice” that carries authority (a “parent” or “teacher” or “boss” voice.)

They have authority when they speak because their speech is more organized.

Shadow:

They are less likely ask a stranger to help.

They avoid confrontation and conflict.

They may hesitate and miss a chance to help.

Anyone can do these things in a tense situation: Talk too much, be unable to talk, freeze, lose your temper.

What are the goals of aggressors? Power to exclude. Withdrawal of social status. Economic isolation/physical deprivation.

Levels of Aggression

Bullying: Bummer/microaggression, Aggression, Bullying — Aggression is a single act. Bullying involves repeated attacks on a particular person. Violence/abuse/extreme bullying – Involves ongoing physical threat, or use of weapons, or enough intensity to trigger the target to consider suicide or violence towards others to make it stop.

Anti-racism: Microaggression,Racist bullying creates an environment of hate that puts a racial group or ethnicity at a disadvantage.

Microaggression

Forced invisibility

Symbols and threats of violence

Violence involving any member of either group

Responding to Conflict, level 1

Part 1 involves people you know. They may be people in your workplace, your neighborhood, your family, or your friends.

Goal: Your goal is not to change someone else’s mind. Your goal is to stand in your own truth. The more of us that do that, the more the society will move in the direction of those truths. Everyone within hearing can be changed by your statements.

Verbal:

I messages. “It bothers me when you call other women by that term” “I don’t like when you use that term.” “That term hurts ”

Name the behavior, out loud. “You are yelling.” “You are hurting my arm.” “You are touching me.”

Make a request: Practice authority voice. “Please don’t use that term in front of me.”

Deflecting insult aimed at you. “That might be so…AND…”

Phrases to be agreeable while not agreeing. Structure: repeat the offensive comment in a neutral way, then state your objection succinctly and neutrally. “Yes, restate a summary of the other person’s belief, but state something true about your beliefs, when necessary or possible.

Change the subject. “We are not going to agree on this, can we change the subject.” “You and I work together, so can we agree to disagree about this?”

Words and phrases that don’t work: Fact, studies show, the Constitution says, any educated person knows, your statistics are wrong, you don’t get the big picture.

Physical:

Social fear alone –without physical threat – is powerful.

Grounding exercise.

Id places where personal tension shows in the body.

Childish insults and how you handle it.

Responding to Conflict, level 2 Intervening with Strangers.

The overall goal is to defuse the situation and separate people who are hostile to one another.

Someone is threatening someone else. You aim to help, while allowing the target autonomy and control. How?

Look for aggressive postures: Violation of personal space. Loud and hostile language. Where are their hands? Cues that there are weapons available to the aggressor.

Take responsibility:

Decisions you can make ahead of time about what actions you are in a position to take, and which you cannot.

Consider these beforehand:

Am I feeling well today? Am I clear-headed? Given that, what can I do today?

Who am I with at this moment? Could I endanger them?

Am I doing something that could cause me to be injured or arrested?

Then, in the moment, you know what you can commit to.

Decide how to react:

Prepare!

Act confident. Try to react with your head, not your heart.

Before moving a muscle, slowly breathe OUT, then in, five times. Approach as assertive (but not mutually aggressive), confident, and as calm as you can, that’s the first step toward defusing a situation.

Follow the target’s instructions – he or she does not need more disempowerment! If you are good a play-acting, pretend you know the target and see if you can get them to play along.

Delegate (bring in other people to help get a person in trouble to safety.)

Distance Separate the aggressor from the target, physically, by asking the target to move or having a group to surround the target and turn their collective backs on the aggressor. This is commonly effective in stranger interactions in closed spaces, like public transportation.

In open spaces, walk the target away from the aggressor. Continue to speak loudly, calling for people to “look up.” “Look up, this man is bothering us!” “Help, this man is bothering us!”

Delay When at all possible, check in with the target after the incident is over. This is true of hostile shouts, stares, or prolonged aggressive incidents. You can validate the personhood of the target by acknowledging that you saw what happened. He or she may be stunned and need a friend at that moment. He or she may need medical care or not feel safe enough to get home alone.

Summary: Remember the Ds. Use Draw Attention, get help and Delegate. Then, with your allies, create Distance between the aggressor and the target. Take the time to care for the target’s delayed reaction. Make sure the target is safely on their way to a safe private place.

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Rona Fischman is the owner of 4 Buyers Real Estate, an agency which serves real estate buyers in the Boston, MA area.
"Our loyalty is to buyers, and only buyers. We are passionate about our client’s comfort in making this important decision."