Thursday, 21 January 2010

For she's a jolly good fellow...

Today is my mother's Birthday, the distance between the two of us clearly highlighted by the fact that I completely forgot and further enhanced by my lack of knowledge as to just how old she is.

And she is old, both of my parents are. Dad turned 60 in September. Can that be right? Life without my dad would be...will be...I don't even have a finale for that sentence. I know that ultimately I will open my eyes in the morning and all that will remain of him will be my own reflection and memories. I'm equally as petrified that, being a few years older, dad will pass long before mom; the woman who put this family in jeopardy, who has no respect for me and earns no respect from me, the woman who has caused the rest of our family to shun us. Is it Gods plan for me to be left alone in this world with this woman?

Strange how, in the celebration of someones life, it is so easy to contemplate death.

Old Uncle Karma seems to have his campsite well and truly setup right now. Oddly enough he hasn't spoken with me just yet, I know he's hiding around here somewhere, though. My first clue being the breaks on my car going. He always seems to target my car. He doesn't mind that lessons have already been learnt, or that punishments have already been dished out. He will only be content when the universe is balanced once more and who decides when the universe is balanced?

Everyone would like to think of themselves as a good friend, nobody likes to admit that they are wrong. This is my time to hold my hands up and admit that my flaws have seeped into pastures they should have never even had sight of. These are the pastures that have, for years, offered me shelter from storms that would have destroyed me otherwise. I have allowed my own personal turmoil to affect every single friendship that I hold dear. For that I can not be anymore apologetic.

I speak to KW for 30 seconds and a smile breaks out on my face.

I am going to change. I am the friend that you all deserve, and I will show it!Plus its in writing now, so that's a contract, right? I'll sign with a cross on my heart.