The Wife

Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Dec. 10, 2002.
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
as two lines above are included - Thanks

Jerry's stand-up: Of all the places that you go all the time,
the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you
keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again.
He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's
like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you
oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think of this shirt?' 'That
would look good with a light starch.' The only warning label people really
respect is 'dry-clean only.' Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer,
cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell
with it!' But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean
only! Are you crazy?!'

JERRY: Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over
my side.

MERYL: I was not!

JERRY: C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!

MERYL: By the way, you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.'

JERRY: No, no, 12-8!

MERYL: No, it's 15-8.

JERRY: I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive.

MERYL: Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.

JERRY: Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll try a sport jacket and scarf
thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. <Goes into his room, and
comes back out with the jacket on.> Haven't worn this one in a long
time.

MERYL (feels Jerry's material): Ooh, cashmere?

JERRY: No, gore-tex. It's new. <Checks his pockets.> Hey, look
at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look
at that.

MERYL: Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is?

JERRY: No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner.
Maybe we should ask him.

MERYL: Alright, we'll stop over there.

JERRY: Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?

MERYL: Pancakes.

JERRY: Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes.

MERYL: I don't know that!

JERRY: But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one
step from the couples who dress alike.

MERYL: I'll get the short stack.

JERRY: Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. <They go out into the hallway
and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.> Hey,
how ya doin.'

KRAMER: We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite.

JERRY: Hey, is that my maple syrup? <Kramer hands it over.>

MERYL: You bring your own syrup?

KRAMER: Got to.

JERRY (to Meryl): You got a lot to learn about pancakes.

New scene - Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's.

MARTY (looking at the locket): This is my wife. She died eight years
ago. I been looking all over for this!

JERRY: Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get
in the pocket?

MARTY: Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in
when I was, uh...<gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.>

JERRY: Oh, wow.

MARTY: I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have
left of her.

MERYL: Oh, that's so touching.

MARTY (to Jerry): Know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna give you
and your family 25% off all your dry-cleaning from now on.

JERRY: Oh, come on!

MARTY: What are you talkin' about?

JERRY: It's silly!

MARTY: Hey, forget it!

JERRY: Get outta here!

MARTY: It's done!

JERRY (giving in): Alright.

MERYL: Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.

MARTY (to Jerry): I didn't know you were married.

JERRY: Oh...yeah...you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.

MARTY (to Meryl): Sure, you get the discount, too.

JERRY: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...

MERYL: I'm taking him to the cleaners!

JERRY: Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...<hugs
Meryl.> I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman
like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!

New scene - Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club.
Greg comes out of the club.

ELAINE: Oh, hi Greg.

GREG: Haven't seen you in a while.

ELAINE: Yeah. Well, today was the first day I worked out since the Central
Park Mini-Marathon.

GREG: You ran the Mini-Marathon?

ELAINE: No, but I exercised that day. <Laughs.>

GREG: Well, I gotta take off.

ELAINE: Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people
who can say that and mean it. <Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.>
Um, do you have the time?

GREG (looks at his watch): Eleven-thirty.

ELAINE (surprised): Eleven-thirty?

GREG: Wait, ten-thirty. Sorry.

ELAINE: Oh.

GREG: Do you have to be somewhere?

ELAINE: No.

GREG: Then what are you doing?

ELAINE: I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together.

GREG: Oh. Well, it was good seeing you.

ELAINE: Yeah, nice to see you, too.

<Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She looks
after him with a puzzled expression.>

New scene - Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop.

MERYL: Uh, would you, um...can I...

JERRY: Pardon?

MERYL: The syrup. Would you pass the syrup?

JERRY (holds up the syrup bottle): Oh, you want to try the syrup! <Meryl
smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.>

WAITRESS: Can I get you anything else?

JERRY: Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee.

WAITRESS: Okay.

MERYL: And a check for my husband.

JERRY (toasts with his orange juice): To my beautiful wife.

MERYL: To my adoring husband.

JERRY: Adoring? What about handsome?

MERYL: I like adoring.

JERRY: Sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? <Meryl
laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.>

OWNER (points at the bottle of maple syrup): Excuse me...where did you
get that?

JERRY: I, uh...well...

OWNER: Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the
restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I
will confiscate it.

JERRY: Well, I told my wife not to bring it.

New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.

KRAMER: Really? 25% off? Do I get that, too?

JERRY: No, just Meryl.

KRAMER: Why, why? Why does she get it?

JERRY: Because she's my wife! <The door buzzer sounds, and Jerry lets
Elaine into the building - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh. Jerry: Eh.> And
I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about
each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying
"my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - "my
wife" this, "my wife" that...it's an amazing way to begin
a sentence.

KRAMER: "My wife has an inner ear infection."

JERRY: See?

KRAMER: I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take
my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too?

UNCLE LEO (to Meryl): When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship.
I used to encourage him to print.

JERRY: I'm a good printer.

UNCLE LEO: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa,
there's my bus! <Rushes out.> Hello! Wait! <Jerry tries to catch
Leo before he runs off to tell him about his "pretend marriage,"
but doesn't make it.>

New scene - Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at
the health club.

GREG: I'm glad you're here. This can get really boring. Do you know where
I can get some good olives?

ELAINE: I can find out.

GREG: Would ya?

ELAINE: Sure. <Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal!>

GREG: By the way, you look really great in that leotard.

ELAINE: Oh, thanks. <Thinks - That's no signal, who wouldn't like
me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.>

GREG: Hey, you know what's weird? I think I had a dream about you last
night.

GREG: Thanks. <Is about to take a drink, but wipes the neck of the
bottle with his shirt first.>

ELAINE (shocked expression): <Thinks - Oh my God.>

GREG (hands the bottle back): I'm sorry, what were you saying?

ELAINE: It was nothing, forget it. <George enters the gym.>

GREG: See that guy right there? I caught him urinating in the shower.
I'm thinking about turning him in, too. <On the other side of the room,
George falls off an exercise machine and gets his foot caught in it.>

New scene - Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging
on the couch, watching TV and eating chocolates.

MERYL: Honey? Could you get me something to drink?

JERRY (from his bedroom hallway, alluding to the fact that she should
get the drink herself): You're right there.

JERRY (looking in a drawer): Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?

MERYL: I didn't do anything with it.

JERRY: Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday.

MERYL: It's in the first drawer.

JERRY: I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.

MERYL: Yes, it is.

JERRY (irritated): Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer,
there's no can opener.

MERYL: Did I say you were stupid?

JERRY (angrily): Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can
opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener
- what other conclusion could one reach? <The phone rings.>

MERYL (getting up): Do you want me to go find it?

JERRY (slams the drawer): Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can
opener in that drawer. <Answers the phone.> Hello! I'm sorry, I'm
just fighting with my wife.

<Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.>

HELEN: Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?

MORTY: Why the hell didn't you tell us?

JERRY: Listen, Ma...

MERYL (looking in the drawer): It was in here yesterday!

JERRY (angrily): Yeah, that's what I said!

HELEN: Who is she? When did this happen?

MORTY (to Jerry): I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never
do it.

HELEN: Morty, you're talking too loud.

MORTY: I'm not talking loud!

HELEN: You're hurting my eardrum.

MERYL (looking for the can opener): Well, you must have done something
with it!

JERRY (to Meryl): I'm on the phone!

HELEN: Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?

JERRY: Mom, I'm not married.

HELEN: What?

JERRY: I'm not married!

MORTY: I knew it, I told ya!

HELEN (to Jerry): Uncle Leo said.

JERRY: I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning.

HELEN: A discount on dry-cleaning?

JERRY (to Meryl, who's making a racket in the kitchen looking for the
can opener): Could you make a little more noise? <To his parents>
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later.

MERYL (not finding the opener): Well, I give up.

JERRY: Well, whoopie whoop. <Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer
staggers in the door in his bathrobe.>

KRAMER: Got any coffee?

JERRY: Yeah. <Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto
the kitchen floor.> I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are
you so tired?

KRAMER: My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without
my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up
the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. <Frantic>
I can't get into a zone!

JERRY: What is that? <Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.>

KRAMER: Oh, I forgot. <Hands back Jerry's can opener.>

New scene - Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night.

JERRY: Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff.

MERYL: Yeah, me too. Love you.

JERRY: Love you.

MERYL: Well, goodnight.

JERRY: Goodnight. <They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from
each other and go to sleep.>

Commercial break.

New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next
day.

GEORGE: They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them!

ELAINE: So what do you want me to do?

GEORGE: Talk to him!

ELAINE: How can I do that?

GEORGE: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss!

ELAINE (enunciating clearly so George gets the point): Yes, but then
he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!

GEORGE: Well, that doesn't mean anything!

ELAINE: Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested
in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs!