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Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Shifting Sands of Grief

This post was originally published on November 23, 2014onRiver-Bliss.com.

This blog has been uncharacteristically quiet in recent weeks because I
have been taking inventory regarding where to go from here. My intention
all along was to pair nature photography with contemplative
reflections. Why was I drawn to a certain image in the first place? What
feelings and insights arise?

And then my mom became ill and died, and I find myself grappling with
Big Questions and the many manifestations of grief. My writing has
become more personal than I ever intended to share. Am I writing an
autobiography of grief? Is it useful to share such personal feelings and
experiences?
Much of the time, I honestly feel as if I am losing
my mind - which I realize is one of the primary manifestations of grief.
When I was in my twenties, I volunteered for an organization in
Syracuse called Hope for Bereaved, which published a book called Hope for Bereaved: Understanding, Coping and Growing Through Griefthat
consists of short articles that address all kinds of losses. The title
of the very first article is "I Wasn't Going Crazy...I Was Grieving."
How reassuring!

It's not only the loss of the deceased loved one
that makes this season of grief so challenging. It's the way
relationships shift, like aftershocks from an earthquake. It feels as if
the very foundation on which I stand has been removed from underneath
me. Life feels unstable, unsupported. Even my sense of self feels like
shifting sands. I have been floating in teardrops, releasing
inhibitions, and dwelling in questions - Big Questions, like:

Why am I here in the first place?

Where does my responsibility to others begin and end?

Is my ultimate responsibility to myself, to live fearlessly and follow my soul wherever it leads?

How do I balance my own happiness and peace of mind with caring for others?

Is there some kind of divine blueprint for my life, and if so, how am I doing so far? How can I tell?

Or perhaps when all is said and done, is all the content from this lifetime just information to process and understand rather than to judge?
(Will we review our life with an omniscience that allows us to see
things as they really were, rather than through the limited, skewed lens
of our own ego?)

Sometimes these questions threaten to
overwhelm me, for I don't have the answers and can be very hard on
myself. Sometimes I wear myself out by giving in to the temptation to
seek external stimulation by filling my mind with the voices and
opinions of others, when true peace and fulfillment is an inside job
cultivated more effectively by sitting alone and still and filling with
light from the inside out. Only then can I beam light to others. But I can't do that when my own battery is depleted.

It
is more important than ever at this dark time of year to kindle the
inner light and to be gentle with myself - especially now that my mom's
nurturing presence is absent from my life. Yesterday, it occurred to me
that there's nobody to buy me gloves and socks anymore. Sure, I can buy
them for myself. However, that was something my mom always did - and
that I often took for granted. She came through with sweet, small,
comforting gestures that nobody else thought of. There's a certain kind
of love and care that is missing now and that needs to be cultivated in
other ways. And there's also the question of how to navigate new and
unfamiliar relationship patterns. Who picks up the pieces? Who (and to
what extent) cares for the most fragile family members? I try my best
but cannot fill my mom's shoes, and my attempts often feel awkward and
clumsy.

It reminds me of what it was like to become a mother. Having a child changes your life monumentally, and I remember wondering: When will life return to normal? The
reality was that it never would return to what it was before. You
become accustomed to a new "normal." And I think that's what I'm dealing
with now, in the wake of my mother's death.

I find that when I feel overwhelmed by questions about how to manage
relationships, the best I can do is to avoid taking the tempting detour
into the thinking mind. Instead, take a deep breath and slow down.
Return to the moment and practice self-care faithfully. Get enough
sleep, to begin with. Meditate. Exercise. Eat right. Speak the truth.
Say no when saying yes would overload my circuits. Channel the energy so
it doesn't get stuck inside me. Listen to and follow the internal
compass known as intuition.

These responses might not provide the
answers to the questions that arise. They might not be exciting.
However, they restore me to a more centered, balanced state from which I
can discern the next step. And that's probably the best I can do. One
step at a time, may I be led by the best and highest within me and honor
the Self that unites us all.

The photographs in this blog (except for those attributed to other owners) and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop by
selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and indicating
either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

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RIVER BLISS HAS MOVED!

About Me

When you fall in love with a river, you find that it is connected with everything else.
Greetings from the Upper Hudson River! "River bliss" is my name for the state of consciousness I experience while floating on the river in my kayak. It is my medicine for inner peace, clarity, and creativity. This blog is my attempt to share beauty, peace, and awe through images and words that greet me in stillness on the river and in other sacred places. It is my greatest joy to awaken and inspire others through discovering and sharing magic moments, and I invite you to join me on this journey.