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Get Intimate, Financially

Talking about money is the first step to managing it.

By Katie Allison Granju

Britt Erlanson

Many couples have trouble talking about their finances without
strife. According to a recent survey by the American Academy of
Matrimonial Lawyers, financial disagreements are among the top five
reasons for divorce. This doesn't surprise CNBC's Personal Finance
Editor Suze Orman, New York Times best-selling author of such
titles as the newly released
Road to Wealth (Riverhead, 2001). Orman says that in her
writing and public speaking, she constantly seeks to illuminate the
concept of "financial intimacy" for partners.

"Couples often know everything else about one another, but have
no idea what kind of 'money person' their husband or wife really
is," Orman explains. "Optimally, a couple would develop financial
intimacy before making a commitment, because fantasizing about
playing financial house is very different from actually doing it.
But it's rarely too late to work at developing that intimacy."

Orman generally advises couples having difficulty communicating
about money to see a marriage counselor first, before deciding
whether to see a traditional financial planner. "Money is the
physical manifestation of how we see ourselves," Orman says. "When
a couple gets into counseling about disagreements over money, they
often discover that isn't why they are fighting at all."

This was exactly what Ray and Betsy Tant of Knoxville,
Tennessee, realized when they began seeing a marriage therapist
almost a year ago. "At the first few counseling sessions, all we
addressed was money. I thought our problems were due to her
spending habits and the student loans she brought into the
marriage," Ray says. "Instead, I found out that both of us were
projecting our childhood experiences with family finances onto our
own marriage."

Ray and Betsy discovered that although each of them grew up in
homes where there was never quite enough money, Ray's childhood was
chaotic and unpredictable, while Betsy's was stable and loving. Ray
realized through counseling that his first reaction to even the
mildest stress regarding money tends to be anger and depression.
Betsy, based on her parents' example, isn't a worrier and assumes
that any money concerns will ultimately work out. After this major
breakthrough in understanding, Ray and Betsy felt a deeper
connection and saw an immediate improvement in their ability to
discuss finances.

Sorting out the underlying emotional issues with regard to
finances is the first step to ending money stress. It allows a
couple to start working on a financial plan, and use their insight
to mold a budget that will accommodate current needs and help
achieve the goals they identify together.

Money TalksRay and Betsy offer these tips -- gleaned from their own
process of counseling and shared financial planning -- on
communicating with your partner about money.

•
Plan "money dates." Schedule a weekly or biweekly meeting
during which the two of you sit down to talk money. Be sure to
choose a time when both of you can give the other your full
attention -- no phones, children, or television allowed. Consider
rewarding yourselves afterward by sharing a glass of wine, some
favorite music, or a special dessert.

•
Stay focused. Make a point not to bring up other hot
topics, such as sex, when you talk about money. This can
exacerbate tensions and sabotage your ability to make
progress.

•
Be sure you've understood your partner. Restate your
partner's words to ensure what you heard is what was intended.
When necessary, ask for clarifications.

•
Learn together. Study the basics of financial planning or
investing together. Read and discuss a book on money management,
or attend a seminar or class on personal finance.