Your relative is number 1,236,476 in the queue for judgment. We estimate that a decision on their fate will be made in approximately six weeks, when their deeds will be weighed and their immortal souls found wanting. Meanwhile, they will wait in purgatory and suffer the agony of limbo.

Don't just throw away your sinful filth - trees were God's creation too - simply recycle them by leaving them in a biodegradable carrier on the curbside, next to the pearly gates.

Before hanging up, St. Peter would like to remind you to put in some work on your own account. Do a good deed for your neighbor. Phone your mother. Cancel your subscription to "Swedish Nuns in Leather".