Category: Humor

Months before DeModiapa (Demonetization) happened, I had written an article on Nibor Doohs ( Robin hood spelled reverse). This post dealt with how the crooks actually rob the poor and reward the riches while fooling the poor.

While we do have deal with such political scoundrels and fraudsters, there is another class of people we deal with in position of eminence due to ancestral inheritance. We all know instances like is Rahul Ghandi , other such vermins like Jay Shah, Jyotiraditya, Tejaswi Yadav, or Abhishek Bachchan. These folks are often into prosperity by parental influence or by collusion with wicked politicians. Many a times, their endeavors are ill intentioned to drive the honest but stupid rats down the cliff just like a Pied piper.

For those who have not read Pied piper, he was fictional hypnotic musician hired by mayor of in Hamlin to cure the city of pestilent rats. He plays a flute tune which hypnotizes all the rats to follow him. He goes to the cliff and then drives the rats down in the sea to drowns and die. Well, that was for a good human cause

Lets look at a Pied piper who drives innocent people to sea. A scion from a business family, the Mahindras. Sri Anand Mahindra, the Pied piper has approx 6 million twitter followers. Here is a tweet from him

Why am I calling him a Pied piper ?

Because, there are 2 interesting things in his tweet

Dancing on the pronouncement by a fraud and cheater organization named Moody’s : Why do I find it stupid ? Moody’s is know to sell ratings for money. They have been penalized my European courts for lack of ethics and giving ratings on bribe. Please read this wikipedia article on various cases against them. Also read how Moody’s cheat and fraud ratings led to housing meltdown in USA here.

Calling Bank Recapitalization as a reform : This is a real case of sycophancy and misinformation combined. Lets decode what Banking recapitalization of 2.13 lakh crore of PSU banks meant.

PSU banks are managed by Govt appointees and on most occasions have money of people who are poor. This is because private banks do not go to villages and remote areas where they are not financially viable. Once these banks amass money , political pressure makes the managers of these banks give large and often collateral free or risky loans to folks like TheVijayMallya, and also to fraud business groups like Essar, Reliance , Adani etc.

Why do the politicians pressurize bank manager ?

Because these business folks either fund their election campaigns giving them black money or their luxury trips. No, the political parties like BJP are not expected to reveal their donors and the amount they get from them . No Aadhar or cashless transactions for their incomes.

They are transferred from their current postings in Bombay/Delhi to forsaken places Jhabuwa, Jhaad gram or Baliya where their wives may likely get raped or their children abducted. Which Bank manager has the guts to offend these politicians ? Their replacement who come, comply and sanction loans.

Is it always political pressure ?

Not always. Most of the PSU bank managers are corrupt and under a quid pro quo ( Mutual benefit or commission) disburse bad loans to businesses.

What happens when these loans go bad ?

These banks suffer losses, they have the NPAs ( Non performing assets as loans) , the losses shoot up. This affects their balance sheet. Their share prices go abysmally low. Their working capital dries up. They go down on verge of death or closure. They need lakhs of Crores just to be alive.

What did Modi and Jaitley do in bank recapitalization?

They took 2.13 lakh crores from our money i,e public exchequer ( All the TDS, GST, income tax, Excise and Service tax we and poor people pay). They paid it to the banks as recapitalization.

This in net means : Poor and middle class were robbed in 100s and 1000s and the corrupt PSU managers and cheater industrialists got reewarded in lakhs and crores. This is a deadly scandal running in lakhs of crores.

Share it socially

Like this:

I was on the 7th km of my run when, suddenly the left speaker of my Bluetooth headset went almost inaudible. I tried to adjust volume and on headset and on my iPhone but nothing worked. I just hated this predicament.

Just 15 days ago, I had got my headset replaced because the left speaker of my headset had died. It was a pain arguing with Reliance retail that it was their responsibility to get the headset replaced. I didn’t want to argue with those dolts again.

I was contemplating buying a new Bose headset or a Samsung Active but suddenly on a footpath I saw a person selling A copy of Sony headset ( An A copy is a Chinese term which represents that the counterfeit item has same BoM as the original product). I tried that headset but again the sound on left ear was low. He offered to let me try the LG one and once again the left sound was low. The seller guessed that the damage may be in internal socket of my iPhone but I disagreed. The socket damage won’t affect the Bluetooth headsets.

I was sure by now that this was the speaker balance system problem. I came back and checked my iPhone settings. I went to sound settings and saw nothing which could tell me how to fix left and right balance problem.

I concluded that there was no balance setting and was wondering how to fix this problem. I tried almost all other settings tabs and found it nowhere.

This was the time, I shared this problem with my wife. She being an avid programmer asked me whether I googled this problem. I said, “NO! Why for such simple stupid things I should Google”. She nevertheless did and told me that this setting exists deep down in the “ACCESSIBILITY” settings tab. I exclaimed #WTF, why on earth will any designer or an Information Architect burry a simple Left –right sound balance deep under accessibility? To my dismay it was there. It’s one of the biggest usability and IA blunder from Apple.

Why do I think Apple made avoidable blunder?

Let’s look at the stated goals of Information Architecture by its world body:

A good IA helps people to understand their surroundings and find what they’re looking for – in the real world as well as online

What could they have done differently?

Use Information Architecture synthesis technique like card sorting (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Card_sorting ). With this they could have figured out where most humans would look for when they try to adjust the left –right settings. The most appropriate method for this could have been closed cart sorting as top level grouping for this already is Setting > Sound

What could we as individuals learn from Apple’s blunder?

The decisions like navigation and placement of important control should not be left to the gut feel of inarticulate designers. There are proper techniques to make such decisions which make the OS or application more usable and intuitive to use.

If you are trying to discover where your application sucks in terms of usability or Ux , do get in touch with me.

Like this:

I bought my first music system 27 yrs ago in 1990. It was a Philips Stereo set DR 481. It was special because when every other music system was making 8 to 12 W, this was a 32W power house which could blare mind boggling sounds of Oye- Oye, Jumma or Hawa hawa with panache. It looked something better than this

After the initial glee was over, I found that the songs started crying. I figured out that the rubber belt Philips used to couple the motor with cassette driver had gone loose. After the first repair, I figured out how service the set myself. I could notice that Philips with all its glamour had poor attention to reliability of its components.

I moved out of Calcutta city in 1994 and thereafter, I just had some small emotional weakness for this brand. In the economically emaciated state of Bengal, Philips was the only international brand manufacturing. The only other brand was Britannia. I held a belief that I must support the economy and jobs of my state by buying their products.

In 2004, I got married and some of the friends gifted us a 800 watt Philips audio system. As usual it delivered good sound for few months and then

The cassette player stopped working. I took it to Philips authorized center . They charged Rs 1000/= for repair which worked only for 15 days

The CD player stopped reading CDs in another few months.

The remote failed in an year and

The physical buttons on the system are a pain to operate.

Fast forward to 2016, I was looking to buy an LED tv for my parents’ room. I had considered Samsung, Sony, and Haier and suddenly the shopkeeper started pushing a Philips model. I was not sure that I should. Philips in electronics had become an obsolete brand and no one would trust them to deliver reliable products in the age of Chaebol (Samsung, LG) and other global products. The regional head of Philips was in the shop and he tried to convince that I should bet on the TV set. However, the arguments he made were not convincing. I decided to buy a more trusted Samsung for a higher price.

April this year, I was flying out to Minneapolis, USA for a critical business assignment and I had an irrepressible need to buy a sport Bluetooth headset. The wired headset which came with my iPhone 6s+ were hopeless. I spent more time putting back into my ears than focusing on my runs (8 to 10K every day). I went to a Reliance mart and suddenly saw a Philips sports headset (SHQ6500).

With black and fluorescent green it reflected good European design. I checked the price tag of Rs 3000 and it appeared reasonable. After some thought, I decided to buy it oblivious that it will give me nightmares.

First few days, it served well as it paired well with my iPhone instantly and the quality of music was good. The frustrations of dealing with a bad product was just about to begin.

If it paired with iPhone, it didn’t pair with my iPod touch

If I tried to pair it with my iPod, after 10s of install, uninstalls, it won’t pair with my iPhone.

If it got detected on iPhone, it will not pair with my Windows 10 Dell notebook or with my Mac Mini.

I started having low expectations from the product and started using it exclusively with my iPhone. I felt cheated. Bluetooth pairing with eligible devices is not a rocket science.

Suddenly in the third month, during a workout, I heard a lot of white noise on the left speaker and it became persistent. After a day or so, the left speaker was dead.

I went to Reliance store and asked for replacement. They argued with me for 3 hrs on why it’s none of their responsibility to replace the headphone. I argued strongly and finally, they agreed to work with Philips to replace it.

For a month and half, I was without a headset and finally a replacement came.

I was happy for few days as my jogging routine resumed.

Few days into usage, I suddenly realized that the sound on left speaker disappeared. There is nothing I can do for it. I do not have energy to go all the way to Phillips service center in Bangalore. The cost of my 2 hrs is more than the cost of headset. I can’t even throw this piece out…

The only thing I can do it: Resolve never to buy a Philips product again and urge each one of you to never buy a Philips product. The frustration of following up is not just worth it.

Conclusion: In this age,

a. Do not ever buy a product from a manufacturer who is not in Top 3 of its category.

b, Read blogs about a durable product before buying it. Getting after sales services is a pain and not worth in a traffic nightmare city like Bangalore.

Share it socially

Like this:

“Who do you have your national rivalry with ? ” I asked the tall Dutch man at our first dinner outing in Amsterdam. He almost looked like Tom Cruise ( Somewhat like this image)

I was expecting something to the tune of our angst against Pakistanis, but the reason he gave, shocked me. ” Belgians“, he immediately responded.
” Belgians are stupid ” he said and gave no further elaboration.

Next afternoon, I met Mabeen, a 5’11” Dutch project manager who was wearing almost 4″ stiletto. She, I heard was a fencing pro. A modern version of this lady

I do not remember the context
but I do remember she telling a joke . It ended with she lolling ” Belgians are stupid. ”

I recall that later in the night, our customer had arrived. He was a Belgian. He didn’t have demeanor of a a suave person. Our conversations veered over Amstel beer and cheese and there was a point where he exclaimed , ” The Dutch think , we are stupids”

I was still wondering if a nation can be collectively stupid.

Few months passed. I was at SAP campus for a meeting of Ux( User Experience) leaders in Bangalore. The conversation was on – ” What can be a particular India Ux strategy?What is it which works no where in world but works in India?”

I heard something very interesting and here it is –

” Indians are stupid. You ask them their cell phone number for anything and they provide it without even thinking “.

On the way back, I stepped into a general store More. I saw a man , approx 25, buying a chocolate. The counter guy asked for his mobile number.

“98*** ***** “, was the sound I heard.

Share it socially

Like this:

Many rational Indians find it difficult to understand the madness called BjP. It has now become a cult movement in India just few cms short of Nazism which grew in Germany. The only difference here is, this cult is more stupider. Most of the illiterate Hindus are by default, sworn slaves of this movement. The narcotic, now also affects a significant proportion of educated dolts who seek more and more of this drug.

The lexicon or definition of key term, forms the building block or first step of understanding this cult. While most of the words have been synthesized from terms popular in BIMARU states( Bihar,MP, Rajasthan, UP), there exist a little profanity in this lexicon.

This I think is reasonable as one cant define or understand the act of RAPE without mentioning penis, vagina, thrust, etc. If you get outraged at any stage, please feel free to abandon reading. Any suggestion to enrich this lexicon is welcome

BhajaPa : n. A union of Bhaja(Pray)+ Chootiyapa .. essentially do stupid acts and pray that something good will happen in the long run.

Feku – Word used to now officially describe Narendra Modi without any ambiguity. His penchant for braggadocio regarding his achievements has earned him this sobriquet. Derived from the Hindi word (Phenku) which literally means: someone who throws. Usually used for someone who is bullshitting.

Bhakts : These are the folks who have flushed their brains out in commode and got it replaced by program which enjoins them to treat Feku as Prophet or God’s gift to India. Typically, they have low intellect, no logic or argumentation capability. They are very very happy about stupidity of Feku. They have low boiling point and can turn violent on any one who questions their Prophet. They have militant ideologies slightly less than ISIS and believe strongly in extra judicial killings example Dadri, Bhopal encounters,

BjPigs : The karyakartas (workers) of BJP who have undeservingly hogged power. Derived from Pigs of literary classic George Orwell novel Animal Farm where Pigs rule the animal farm after ousting the torturing human owner and thereafter meet out a even bigger torture to animals who brought them on power

Modiapa – An act of conducting chootiyapa which damages the country or causes deaths of people, employment or sanity.

ModiFied : n. A transformation of an ordinary sane human being to become a sucker of deaths, genocide, ugly ideas and singing panegyric for the Prophet of newly adopted cult called Bhajapa

BjPimps : The bhadwas (Pimps) who try to bring ordinary gullible folks into its Bhajapa fold by invoking Hinduism superiority ( Nazism like) or to vote for it

BhajaPaads : The gas BJP propagandists spread to defend Modiapa or Modi. Example: Demonetization has ended terror, BjP is working to loot the corrupt and give that money to poor.

BhanGis : The Bhajapias ( Official party members) who are also Sanghis ( RSS wrokers). It sounds like Bhangees( The people who clean turds/toilets) but no correlation with that noble job. BhanGis are RSS nominees for various party, govt or political positions. The dismissed governor of Meghalaya V Shanmugham was a BhanGi.. and so are Nitin Gadkari, Modi, Rajnath, Parrikar, etc

BhajaPandu : Union of Bhajapia + Gaandu . One who lends his ass to MODI, enjoys the sodomy very much and makes a public admission of the pleasure of that. Essentially, thinks that a sodomy from their Prophet cures his constipation. Example : When paying Rs 250 as cess and tax on a restaurant bill of Rs 750/= claims he is doing Desh seva.. but goes to office and submits fake rent receipts or medical bills to avoid paying legitimate income tax. Also , the same BhajaPandu buys most of his things without bill to avoid paying taxes

BhaJang :n A union of Bhajapa +Bhujang (snake) usually a vitriolic asshole who spews venom whenever he opens his her mouth making the environment poisonous example Rithambra, Sakshi Maharaj, Uma Bharati etc

BhaJamiya :n A union of Bhajapia and Chhamiya : Typically an obnoxious female with very fat buttocks which she shakes in vulgar dance.. Example : Find her out .

BhajVaada n: A union of Bhajapa + Vaada ( promise) also takes roots from Farzi-vaada aur fraud/ false practices. It often refers to to the fake promises BjPigs use to fool hoi- polloi to come to power or keep them in power. Example : Fake Surgical strike , Fake war against corruption, Fake promise to give 16 lakhs ( U$ 220K approx) in every account, Ram mandir banayenge..

BhajoPia : n. An imaginary but unrealistic and stupid utopia imagined by Bhajapias where all rivers are interlinked, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Tibet are part of India, Entire economy is cashless, India becomes Hindu rashtra and Golwalkar becomes the father of the nation.

BhejaPhrenia n. A disease where an afflicted person, typically a Bhajapia loses the coherence between thoughts, actions and logic. Example talks about large denomination of cash ( 500 and 1000) causing illicit economy and comes up with even larger denomination of notes viz 2000/=

BhajaPaploo : n A shameless and incompetent replacement(Usually a Sanghi ) for an able professional at an exalted position who disgraces the chair he sits own . A union of Bhajapia+Paploo (Impotent Person) example : Gajendra Chauhan as FTII Director, Shanmugham ( Sex maniac) disgraced governor of Meghalaya and Arun jaitley, the FM

BhajaKti : n . A devotional cult borrowed from ugliest, lowest, stupidest and crudest form of Hinduism where land units are maatas or pitas, water bodies are devtas(Gods), heterosexuality is a disease.

This is a WiP and ever evolving lexicon. Please feel free to add more terms, better definitions in the comments. If I find them good, I will include them in the main blog giving you the credit for coining that term.

Share it socially

Like this:

Of all the popular fraud schemes, Robin Hood theme continues to amaze and baffle me the most. It has defied time, mortality and eternity and still works in 21st century.

Robinhood continues to be the opium of the hoi-polloi . He mesmerizes and has a box office collection of few lakh crores as against 100 crores Bollywood craves. Lets see how it works.

A Demagogue Jholelal Fakeer who claims a peasant background, typically has a trimmed beard, a fake 56 inch chest and may looks like the one below. He declares:

He is launching a WAR against the rich. This war will give a of windfall wealth (say Rs 16 lakhs in cash), to each idiot, lazy and brainless Gareeb (poor).. Nobody will even have to move even their ASS for.The organized loot and plunder he will do, will be distributed . Kaala dhan from kaale log will tana tan flow into to gareeb’s accounts JanDhan .

OMFG (Oh my fucking god), this creates mammoth erection among all bhakts and dolts. . Fakeer smiles inwards as he knows, he needs to deliver nothing. The drunken imbecile dolts are already doing Naagin dance and high on this opium.

Pandemonium reigns. Popularity breaks the roofs… Just 31% fools are enough to drown the remaining 69% population which can think. Fakeer grabs the power and continues to make an ass of fools

Once ensconced, the scoundrel ( Fakeer) changes the gear. He actually does a raid and loots on the poor. In the suffering, he tells the idiots that they are doing a service to nation. New and higher cess emerge on every thing. Higher and wider taxes are declared. Greater curbs are put on the cash. This brings majority of money from poor under Scoundrel’s control.

The Fakeer now starts living in a palatial million square feet bungalow in a top metro, wears Rs 12 lakh suits, rides a fleet of BMW 750i, flies the world in luxury Chartered planes. As a homo throws himself on any sexy male he encounters. All the while he maintains a mask of a Fakeer, a messiah and a humble peasant.

He subsequently siphons the cash pile back to rich industrialists, bureaucrats, bankers and Pigs who were active or silent accomplishes in the fabled Robin hood raids. This siphoning is done in forms of loan restructuring, interest waivers and huge contracts (Statue making)

The scoundrels thus are Nibor Dooh (Robinhood spelled backwards) and paradoxically rob and kill the poor, not the other way as believed or perceived.

Share it socially

Like this:

Approx 40 yrs ago, India was blessed with a great leader who was energetic vibrant, visionary and sexy. Most of his followers believed that He was God’s gift to the country and that he alone will power the country to be the next super power.

This genius leader came to the conclusion that the biggest problem of the country was nothing other than ” Black brown population”. Indians were producing very large number of kaale, bhoore, chitkabrey bachchey (children). This was leading to very large population. This large population was causing :

Shortage of food, shelter, clothing

Unemployment

Crime

Terrorism

Too much Sex and…. leading to

More population // Now go back to 1 and repeat

This, he was convinced is the root of all problems that it must be stopped. This menace of population was very big and while all his predecessors only talked about controlling population, God had chosen him to be the crusader against this menace… This was the time for him to take action.

He went ahead and declared that starting from next few hours, producing of children is going out of circulation. While you can have sex but your balls need to be disconnected. The best thing folks could do is by going “Cashless ” ( oops) ChanceLess sex. This cutting of the pipeline of population will run for next 50 days. The citizens will face some inconvenience but in the long run it will be very good for the country. Govt will come up with new denominations of hot pink condoms. The queues for such condoms will initially be large but gradually become small. All males above age of 21 who have already produced an offspring must be sterilized by doing vasectomy.

The chamchas of the leader lost no time in lauding, applauding and rejoicing this move. The dogs of this leader went full hog extolling/ barking the virtue of the biggest assault ever on the largest problem of the country i.e ” Black population”. This was the boldest move ever. People said – ” Bande mein hai dum ” . Lots of citizens said , we fully support the move, we are with this leader. Some wise men said they have no problem with this leader and only those who want to be noticed by going against the grain are groping his bums. Every body must support this noble initiative. All the folks who opposed sterilization were branded anti national. The intent of leader was very good.

Uttawar, a village 80 kilometers south of Delhi, woke up to the police loudspeakers at 3 a.m. Police gathered 400 men at the bus stop. In the process of finding more villagers, police broke in to homes and looted. Total of 800 forced sterilizations were done. It was a big assault on “Black /Brown population“.

During execution of this visionary move, a lot of young guys who were not even married were castrated. In some cases, some old men who were not even able stand up, let alone have sex were sterilized to meet the targets set by the visionary leader. Harijan, a 70-year-old with no teeth and bad eyesight, was sterilized forcefully.

The govt machinery was barely ready to do such massive scale of vasectomy. The processes were not calibrated and many people died of infection as necessary antiseptic were not available. Some LeaderBhakts claimed that in a great “Surgical strike” a little collateral damage was all ok.

Some Media went ga ga on the brilliant master stroke to attack the “Black population ” … those who criticized were called “Paid media”, “AntiNational” or people filled with negativity. 1000s of justifications were provided on how great move this was. Genitals of 83 lakh Indians were “Surgically mutilated” . 1000s died and some Congtards claimed that case of death were really DUMB.

Donkeys brayed encomiums on the assault and composed poems. The Supreme court of the country said that they are not against Vasectomies and asked the govt to file an affidavit on steps it was taking to reduce the inconvenience during vasectomies. The attorney general asked the judge to visit the vasectomy center during lunch hours and see for themselves that folks were actually enjoying vasectomies. Govt docs were tickling their balls very well. Some dudes were found on streets wearing Tees with message ” Proud to be castrated” … singing anthems on Nas bandi – ” हर हर हो जी , घर घर हो जी ( Har har Ho jee, Ghar ghar Ho jee) ” and ” बच्चे बिन अब , आने वाले हैं (Bachche bin ab… aane waale hain) ”

Some notable incidents

१. Shahu Ghalake, a peasant from Barsi in Maharashtra, was taken for sterilization. After mentioning the fact that he was already sterilized, he was beaten. He was sterilized for the second time

२. Hawa Singh, a young widower, from Pipli was taken from the bus against his will and sterilized. The infection took his life

There were off course some GhandiBhakts who voluntarily accepted vasectomy and encouraged other folks to do the same ( All in the long term interest of the nation ). It was also claimed in State media that people were eagerly queuing up to get vasectomized and queues were a few kilometers long.

Courts were forbidden to adjudicate on the complaints because this was the privilege of an elected govt. This beautiful scheme however died a beautiful death and the visionary leader died a sudden death in helicopter crash. The menace of population grew even bigger thereafter and it almost doubled in next decade. #WTF

This population however paid great dividends when technology revolution happened. Instead of becoming a liability, the population paid rich demographic dividends and the country became the global hub of technology services…

The country moved ahead but after some years, a new root of all problems has been discovered. To solve that problem, its said the soul of dead Vidhata has entered a new Chhappan inch bold body avatar.

All the Vidhata who were accomplices in that great endeavor probably have also taken rebirth and are busy extolling the virtues of a God’s gift to India again.His “Bold decision” is solving one more black problem in the long run.