So you can imagine my confusion when I started my career in BigLaw and discovered the huge gap in meaning between what people say and what people think. Even the most basic and routine interactions take on a form of their own when they occur in a law firm. Take the frequent example of two associates having a chance encounter in the elevator. The conversation is broken down to reflect the differences between the spoken word and its true meaning.

Associate 1: Oh. Hi.
Translation: Why did you have to get on the elevator . . . Fuck.

Associate 2: Uh, hi.
Translation: Fuck. You probably think I should be working right now.

Associate 1: You busy? Working this weekend?
Translation: If I had any ability to interact socially with a human being, or knew anything about you other than what practice group you were in, I would reference one of your interests right now. Instead, how’s work?

Associate 2: Probably a little bit. Not too bad. How about you?
Translation: How did you know I’m not working this weekend? Do you have access to my billing records?

Associate 1: (long exaggerated sigh)
Translation: I don’t know which of the canned responses to the “are you busy” question I should go with right now.

Associate 2: That sucks.
Translation: Yes, when needed, I can be compassionate towards another human being.

Associate 1: It is what it is. Want to grab lunch?
Translation: The elevator takes way too long to get to the lobby. I hate you. I’m hungry.

Associate 2: Ah, sorry. Can’t today. Got a call.
Translation: I would like to grab lunch. But I am now lying to you about a call so that I can seem busy and so that I can lock the door to my office and read the internet for the rest of the day.

It turns out that some form of the question “are you busy” is a proxy for all communication between associates. Be warned. Only a handful of acceptable responses exist, and none of the acceptable responses carry the meaning that they would seem to convey.

Response 1: “Yeah, you know how it is.” Actual meaning: “I was told that this job would mean sacrificing my life and working around the clock, but I have been here seven months and have yet to receive my first assignment. I still never leave before 8:00.”

Response 2: “Pretty busy. Not too bad.” Actual meaning: “I have nothing to do, but I am lying to you because I am hypercompetitive and I realize that telling you the truth might cause you to think that you are superior to me in some way. Also, I don’t want assignment to a new matter.”

Response 3: No verbal response, but a long exaggerated sigh intended to convey exhaustion. Actual meaning: “I’m billing between three and five hours a day, mostly to pro bono. However, I definitely don’t want to do any other work, and I want you to think that I am working my ass off.”

Let’s have some real talk about your worst client. The guy who took a swing at you in court? The lady whose voice reached the stratosphere when she was yelling...

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