Friday, July 23, 2010

Epiphany

Okay, yes, I realize I did just move like 1,000 miles or something, but I don't mean that. I mean, I woke up today and got smacked in the face with a new vision of the world.

I got inklings of this vision yesterday when I was in the rebuilding store and needed help with the cabinet we'd decided to purchase (for 15 smackers!) and refurbish. And I saw this:

perfection

So, I realize the photo is blurry and you're only getting a view of his ass (which, take it from me, was a very nice view inDEED), but this right here, ladies and gents of the Internet, was a-fucking-dorable.

And entirely too young for me.

But instant fantasies entered my head of, well, you can guess what of. Just let your imagination run wild, my friends. Just let it run wild. Wild.

And these fantasies lingered the rest of the day. And then all night. And I awoke this morning to an epiphany ("an ephiwhat?" - bonus if you get that movie reference): I could be a cougar.

My only reservation with the plan is this: I think I'm technically too young to be a cougar by definition. So maybe I could just be a cougar in training. Maybe a bobcat or a lynx or something.

I think I've been looking at this all wrong. See, I've been looking for guys that were relationship material. Who would maybe be old enough and experienced enough to want the things I want, to build a life with. Except, I'm pretty sure those guys don't exist at any age. So I might as well have a lot of ridiculously hot sex until I can just afford to have those things by myself.

Therefore, I am no longer looking for a relationship, at least not an emotional or committed one. I just want sex. With someone altogether too young for me (but perhaps I should set the bar at a minimum age of 21.). I'm not looking for one night stands either. I'm too old for that shit. I mean, I'm too lazy now to go looking for someone new every time I want The Sex. Who has the time? Nope, I'm looking for a longish term sexual relationship.

Since it will be purely sexual, he needs to be H-O-T hot. Things that normally aren't on my list when I'm falling for someone's brains or sense of humor or kind nature are totes on the list now. Aesthetic beauty is paramount here. Of course, my definition of hot is not exactly typical anyway, but why don't you let me worry about that, mmmk, pumpkin?

He also doesn't need to have much in the way of brainpower, which is usually the first thing I look for in a guy. But hell, he's not going to be doing much talking now is he? Of course, if he happens to rock the smart, BONUS! But if he's a little dim, he can just keep quiet. I don't need him to deconstruct The Wasteland. I've already done that anyway.

What IS important is smarts in the sack. I don't want to waste any time teaching him what's what or what's where and for how long and with who (wait, what?). He's got to have a little savvy, a little intuition. Communication au lit is always important, but I'm not a sex tutor, son. I need to relax a leeetle.

There will be no dates, so I don't need him to have an income (And lard knows I don't have a job yet.). I don't want to wake up with syphilis, so Collin Farrell is not an option (plus he's too old), but the point being: STD free is required. He needs to bathe regularly and keep his nails trimmed (My hooha doesn't like the long or jagged nails. *shudder*). He needs to brush his teeth daily and NOT smell like he bathed in Axe. If my nose is offended, you don't get in my bed, thankyouverymuch.

Um, what else? Oh yeah, nothing! Hot and rocking the sexy time. That's all I need.

Don't bother sending a resume. Just send a photo. Full body. I don't want to see any penises, but ass shots are encouraged so I can judge hairiness and squeezability.

As a bona-fide (heehee , I said bone)cougar, I heartily endorse the practice. I am 9 years older than The Man and although he has the smarts and is definitely high on the squeezable chart, it's his drive that is most beneficial. So take my advice, you don't need a Sugar Daddy, but a Sugar Baby? RAWR!!

I absolutely endorse this type of behavior. Love my husband and this whole monogamy thing is working out for me right now, but damn that sounds like fun. I miss my promiscuity of the 90's like Al Bundy misses high school football. Keep us posted on your chew toys kitty cat.

A few things:1. Deconstructing the Wasteland was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Remember that class? Amazing but SO HARD. 2. I dated a 31 year old man (who was HOTTT btw) last fall. He was getting his PhD, fluent in four languages, blah blah perfect. Oh wait. He didn't have his shit together and liked drinking PBR's while driving. He shattered my belief that older men have it together. (Him and a few other older men)3. Ross is ahem 2 years my senior and is more mature and together than most people I know. So I totally advocate stepping into the younger dating pool because you never know what you'll find AND it's kinda fun being called a cougar even though he's only two years younger.