(Occasionally) eloquent rants on everything from love and consumerism to art and quantum mechanics.

Science

October 10, 2011

The Eighty Nine anthology is now available for pre-order within Australia. This compilation features my contribution The Story Bridge, guaranteed to be the most hilarious sci fi story you'll read about attempted suicide all year. It is highly recommended that you purchase between 5 and 500 copies at your earliest convenience.

1989: a cusp between decades.

The year the Berlin Wall came down and Voyager went up. Ted Bundy and Emperor Hirohito died. The birth of the first Bush administration and computer virus.

In San Francisco and Newcastle the ground shook, in Chernobyl it melted. Tiananmen Square rocked the world and Tank Man imprinted on the international consciousness. Communism and Thatcherism began their decline, Islamic fundamentalism its rise.

It was the year Batman burst onto the big screen, we went back to the future (again) Indiana Jones made it a trifecta at the box office and Michael Damian told us to rock on.

Based on a play list of 26 songs released in 1989, Eighty Nine re-imagines the social, political, cultural and personal experiences at the end of the decade which gave the world mullets, crimped hair, neon-coloured clothing, acid-wash denim, keytars, the walkman, Live Aid, the first compact disc and MTV.

May 20, 2011

WARNING: A functional sense of humour is required for optimal enjoyment of the following post. If you are reading this article and feel a sense of overwhelming rage consuming you as salty discharge pours forth from your eyeholes, it is possible that you are deficient in the normal human quantities of humour and/or irony. You may need to consult your physician and abstain from internet forums and youtube comments sections.

Dear the internet, I have a confession to make. I HATE PANDAS. I mean, you know, not hate in the sense that I HATEPfizer or Donald Trump or whoever the hell invented the vocoder, but you, know...

Here's why.

Pandas are an endangered species. There are very few pandas currently living in the wild, and they are teetering on the brink of extinction. Pandas are in fact, the symbol of the WWF. By which I mean World Wildlife Fund not World Wrestling Federation, although if they were the symbol of that as well I would be highly amused. Obviously, as with any endangered species, there is a great deal of effort invested in trying to get them to reproduce. The problem is, however, that the average man panda has about as much interest in reproducing as a morbidly obese homosexual octogenarian with a nasty bout of syphilis.

VS.

For starters, the man panda can't even figure out how to have sex in captivity until it has been shown panda porn. Yes. Panda porn. It has to watch recordings of its brethren doing the horizontal tango before it can finally figure out "ohhhhhhh so THAT'S where it goes."

Of course, once the panda has been sufficiently sexually educated, it is ready to breed some much needed panda progeny, right? WRONG. You see, the man panda is so goddamn choosy, that if it is sharing a sweet zoo pad with the last lady panda it will likely ever see, it frequently decides that she isn't up to scratch and refuses to 'hit that' (in the sexual sense, not the domestic violence sense). You know the phrase 'not if you were the last woman on earth?' The panda takes this to a whole nother level.

When this happens, zookeepers are forced to undertake a daring con, the likes of which the cast of hustle could only look upon in awe. The zoo keepers borrow a more attractive lady panda from another zoo, then parade her up and down behind the safety of a cage until man panda is randier than a college undergrad at a beer pong grand final. Then they put the man panda in a dark room with his originally intended mate, and, if all goes according to plan, the two of them do the kinds of things that Barry White is always crooning on about. Immediately after man panda performs an action that bad romance novels would describe as 'spilling his man juice in her sacred lady garden' he realises that he has been duped and flies into a fit of PANDA RAGE.

THIS IS THE TERRIFYING FACE OF PANDA RAGE!!!!!!!!

Alright, that's quite enough about panda sexual habits. Let's move onto diet. We all know what pandas eat right? Pandas love bamboo. Just can't get enough of the old bamboo. Bamboo is to pandas what shrimp (australian translation= prawns) are to bubba gump right? Not...quite. A little known fact about pandas is that the lazy bastards are genetically built to eat meat, but are too lazy to hunt. Technically, they are carnivores, but unless an animal commits ritual suicide in front of them, they stick to their preferred brand of bamboo. What. The Fuck.

This is a species with no will to live. Let's give up on them and focus our attention to the millions of other endangered species on the planet that actually want to eat and procreate.

April 28, 2011

Recently I was requested to write some words of wisdom for the as yet unborn child of two of my very dear friends. Having a great deal of words but a rather appalling dearth of wisdom, I soon found myself overwhelmed by the grandiose responsibility of providing the literary form of a guiding light in the darkness to a not yet fully downloaded human child foetus. I ended up crying in the corner in much the same manner of a new born babe for several hours before consoling myself by thinking about breasts (again, much like in the manner of an infant).

My life is so freakin sweet! People lavish attention

on me constantly and everyone thinks it's adorable when I burp or

defecate! I hope the rest of my life is exactly like this!

This whole ordeal got me thinking; if I were to one day be so cruel as to decide to subject the world to the burden of my offspring, what words would I give the little bastard to send them on their way before I suffer an untimely death by turtle mauling or fireworks and pogo stick incident?

Here's what I came up with. Feel free to cut and paste this for your own use.

Dearest spawn,

Congratulations on being selected from millions of potential sperm candidates to become my progeny!

I have decided to bequeath unto you some words of wisdom for the future. However, the future which you will inhabit will doubtlessly differ greatly from the present. Hence the best advice I am able to give you has been obtained primarily from science fiction novels.

This is what people in the past thought time machines

would look like. What a bunch of morons.

It doesn't even have an ipod dock!

1 If you ever get sent back into the past DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. Not even breasts. (Sidenote: Infancy is the only time in your life when you will be able to gain access to breasts by merely screaming and crying. ENJOY IT.)

2 If you ever get sent to a gorgeous utopian future TOUCH EVERYTHING because you are obviously dreaming. The future is going to be a horrible, horrible place. Really, it will be just awful.

3 Just because everyone else in the world is wearing tight fitting silver suits doesn't mean that you have to. In fact, by wearing a variant outfit you substantially increase the likelihood of being the star of the piece.

4 Big Brother is watching. And he is fucking bored.

5 Soylent Green, while delicious, is no substitute for a healthy balanced diet.

6 Soma, while delicious, is no substitute for a healthy balanced diet.

7 Don't do it, she's a robot!

8 Don't do it, she's a clone!

9 Don't do it, she's you from a parallel universe where you've had an extremely convincing sex change operation!

10 When all your human parts are eventually replaced by cybernetic enhancements, make sure you shell out the extra bucks for the extended warranty. No one wants a future where you have to buy a replacement prostate every three months.

September 19, 2010

The 4c arts collective is hosting another one of our (in)famous art parties, and you had better be there. I could explain to you why you need to come, but why bother when I can just get two cartoon robots to do it for me?

A
celebration of new growth, sudden actions and distilled moments. The
latest & greatest 4c art party explores all those strange and
wonderful ideas that have been blooming deep in the delicious depths of
your psyche. A evening filled to the blissful bursting point with music,
visual art, performance and all kinds of other joys, wonders and frivolities.

Six
Degrees is a campaign initiative of Friends of the Earth Brisbane Co-op
Ltd. The Six Degrees campaign works with communities and groups across
the state to reduce Queensland’s dependence on the coal industry, and to
ensure a just and measured transition to a safe climate future. We are
working towards the creation of an ecologically sustainable and socially
just society through community action.

April 02, 2010

"Yeah, ah, gimmie...white russian, heavy on the Russian. Oh man, I need a kebab...HOLY CRAP I love this friggin' song! Wit my mind on my money and my money on my...Yo! Alexander that chick was sooooo checking you out..."

This story has been lurking on my hard drive for a while, so I thought I'd give it a digital airing just for kicks. I've been focussing so much on finishing up my YA novel and working on the next adult novel, (tentatively titled Adonis Comma Coma), that I haven't done much in the way of short fiction for a while. I thought it only appropriate to post a story about Charles Darwin in a drinking competition on a religious holiday.

October 21, 2009

The
art of writing is by its very nature hermetic. It’s one of the few jobs in the
world where being a depressed, introverted alcoholic may actually be of
assistance. Well, that and claims adjusting perhaps.

+ + x =

this is a summation of everything I learnt in 3 years of studying literature.

In
any case, as much as I love being cloistered away in my literary lair
accompanied byonly the dull blue glow of my laptop, a near infinite supply of
mi goreng and the sounds of the dirty three, I do occasionally need to venture
outside into the great wide world with its billboards, traffic jams, ikea
stores and balloon boy hoaxes.

In the last two years I've busied myself with the chalk project, and the 4C arts collective and I’m working on a new
abandoned building project. In the interrum I decided to assist my
incredible friend, Anna; (the only person I know who is a brilliant
scientist, environmental activist AND artist), with her 350 project.

Anna
stitched up these patches which a few of us then covertly distributed around
Paddington in the dead of night. Okay, it was more like half nine, but
seriously, graffiti artists take note: Paddington at 9.30 on a Monday is like
Rupert Murdoch’s conscience; completely silent.

The genius of using these patches is that they are not only incredibly eye
catching and made from recycled material but they also cause no permanent damage
to property. We really didn’t have to worry about police presence because
although we didn’t exactly write to Campbell can’t-fucking-do-anything-right
Newman for permission, I doubt we would have had too much trouble from the
po-lease even if they had spotted us.

August 18, 2009

Well now, Richard Dawkins has become a
real A-list of late, ever since his massive success with the god delusion he’s
been seen partying at the Viper Room with Lindsay Lohan, Yasmine Bleeth and
Robert Downey Jr. Friends say he’s been hitting the ‘party powder’ a little too
hard, but the real news is the recent announcement that he’s dating Jessica Simpson.

The doe eyed couple have been
spotted at several A-list venues,holding hands, discussing the political and
sociological benefits of a secularised society, and giggling. While they
haven’t been shy in front of the cameras, they also haven’t been too public
about their relationship. A close friend had this to say:

comment taken from a friend during her recent publicity shoot.

“Well, you know, those two kids
are just taking it easy. They really get along, but obviously the issue of
religion is a big one, I mean, like, just the other day Richard was saying: ‘Sugarcheeks,
do you not think it imbecilic to invest faith in an invisible, intangible deity
whose supposed existence has negatively influenced the various strata of
society for millennia?’ and then she was all like: ‘Baby, the expression of a
belief in an intangible deity is not the cause of the behaviour of isolated
extremists okay? It’s just, like, how those particular individuals manifest
their own violent insecurities behind a flagship. Now what movie should we see
Hannah Montana or Transformers 2?”

Rumour has it that Dawkins and Simpson
eventually agreed on Transformers 2, but only on the proviso that they got
popcorn AND choc tops.

Some celebrity experts have even
suggested that wedding bells may not be too far off, but the pair are coy about
this, Simpson has commented:

“Well, if we were talking about
it, and I’m not saying that we are, but if we were, then obviously Richie wouldn’t
want to have it in a church, so we might compromise and go somewhere with the
illusion of spirituality that is actually completely soulless, like a
scientology chapel.”

March 23, 2009

This is my book report and my book report is bout dinosaurs. My ‘nother teacher what we had before Mrs. Majellan said that you can’t do a book report bout dinosaurs cos dinosaurs aren’t books but then I was like “but dinosaurs are IN books and everyone does a stupid book report and no one ever reviews dinosaurs.” Then she started crying and mum says it’s probably cos her husband left her for another man but then my dad said ‘SHUT UP HELEN!’ and then my mum said ‘Don’t tell me to shut up in front of our boy!’ and Dad said she was a stupid cow and then the TV volume got really loud so I went to my room and wrote my book report bout dinosaurs and now you are reading it.

Once upon a time, dinosaurs were super cool and rad. They used to just go and eat each other FOR NO REASON! The T-rex would be all like:
“Hey Triceratops! I don’t like your face so I’m going to bite it with my teeth!”
And then the triceratops would be like:
“Dude, you have tiny hands. Are you ‘tarded or something?” And then they’d fight and there would be totally rad guitar solos like ‘meedley medley medley meee meee waaaaaaah!’
And that was all totally radstyles.

DINOSAURS DURING THE ERA OF SUPER RADNESS

Then one day God threw a big rock at the earth ‘cept some people say it wasn’t god just science but mum says they are heathens. I don’t know what science was doing throwing rocks but whatever it made everything all cold like when I put dad’s iPhone in the freezer cos I wanted to cryomagenically freeze it for people in the future so they could use it to call me and tell me what happens in Ben Ten when he’s grown up.

Then all the dinosaurs were totally lame and just died and none of them ate each other’s faces or nuthin and then there was wolly mammoths which were kinda cool but not really. You could just stick a big wig on an elephant and it would be a woollymammoth cept kinda like a girl. + =

So now we have crocodiles and junk but no more dinosaurs and no one ever gets to have them for pets or ride them to school or command them to eat Mr. Kinsworth when he be’s mean to me just cos I left my fudgicicle on his desk or whatever.
I

n conclusion, dinosaurs were the raddest but then they just died so now I just like TV. I give them three stars.