The Discipline of Listening

Our brains make it difficult, if not impossible, to fully or accurately
comprehend what our Communication Partners wish to convey. We hear their words,
of course, but we often end up interpreting them well outside the intent of the
Speaker. I spent 3 years researching and writing on this topic for a book,
(What?) and came away in awe of the magnitude of this issue and how deeply our
unconscious choices prejudice our conversations.

THE PROBLEM WITH GOAL-CENTERED LISTENING

As a coach to coaches, sellers, and managers, Iâm painfully aware of how sellers
often listen only to ârecognize a needâ, or coaches listen for a problem theyâve
had success resolving before, or managers listen for a difficulty they know how
to regulate.

By listening for something specific, we end up taking away a myth as meaning.
With mischaracterized and potentially inaccurate data (compounded over the
length of the conversation), we then have no accurate data with which to base
follow-on decisions, not to mention that everyone potentially walks away from
the conversation with mistaken beliefs, feelings, and expectations. And then we
blame the Other for any failure. Sadly, because our brains donât tell us they
have misunderstood or biased what was meant (we actually believe weâve âheardâ
accurately), weâre rarely aware that we have missed the meaning or the
possibility, until itâs too late.

TIPS TO LISTEN ACCURATELY

Here are some questions to think about as you consider adding some discipline to
your listening skills:

Prepare and De-stress. Before each conversation, clear your mind of any
expectations or hopes, or feelings from past conversations. Otherwise your brain
will unconsciously seek confirmation (Confirmation Bias) for that very thing
while ignoring or misconstruing possibilities (minimizing your chances of
success or creativity).

Humility and humor. Unless you have written a script that everyone speaking
has signed off on, you have no way of knowing what your Communication Partner
will say, mean, need, or feel. I often hear people attempt to push their own
agenda and donât recognize what the Other has conveyed. Since there is no such
thing as win/lose, this tends to create lose/lose, although the offended
Communication Partner might not mention it during the conversation.

Flexibility. All conversations demand flexibility to be present to the
messages within the dialogue that actually occurs. The larger the bias or
expectation going in, the harder it is to achieve, the greater the gap in
understanding and expectation, and the greater the fallout from unrealized
possibility.

Trust. I know itâs hard to walk away without getting exactly what you want,
or to hear things that donât match your needs or expectations, but somewhere in
the conversation there is a creative win for everyone. It may not look or act
like your dream, but it will be something that everyone can accept. Besides, if
youâre not trusting the dialogue actually occurring, youâre merely pushing your
own agenda. And then you canât even trust the outcome youâve devised.

Unless both sides of a conversation fully understand what the Other intends to
convey, there is no reality to work with and everyone risks unnecessary failure
or limited possibility: it might have been possible to achieve success in a
different way, or maintain a relationship over time for future possibilities. In
almost every in-person coaching session I have had, my client has missed real
possibilities (even of getting exactly what they want) in pursuit of hearing
what they believe they should hear.

Here are some questions to think about as you consider adding some discipline to
your listening skills:

How adept are you at entering conversations with no needs, no expectations, no
biases?

How capable are you of showing up in a conversation with the ability to have a
We Space â not two âIâsâ which lead nowhere except self-serving exchanges, but a
genuine melding of the people involved to find the win for all?

What do you need to believe differently to recognize that when you enter
conversations with personal biases, assumptions, and triggers, that you will
only succeed those times when the Other has the exact same biases, assumptions,
and triggers â and all those who could truly benefit from your expertise and
heart will not be able to hear you either (regardless of how well-meaning or
accurate you are)?

How willing are you to learn to show up with an open mind, recognize when you
have biases or expectations and quiet them before starting the exchange?

How can you react to something youâre not prepared for in a way that
encourages collaborative dialogue?

You can continue doing what youâve been doing, of course. But for those times
you seek excellence in your conversations, a bit of preparation is in order.

Sharon Drew Morgen is the author of 9 books, including NYTimes Business
Bestseller Selling with Integrity, and What? Did You Really Say What I Think I
Heard? She has developed facilitation material for sales/change management,
coaching, and listening. To learn more about her sales, decision making, and
change management material, (www.dirtylittlesecretsbook.com) go to
www.sharondrewmorgen.com. To learn more about her work on closing the gap
between what’s said and what’s heard, go to www.didihearyou.com. Contact Sharon
Drew for training, keynotes, or online programs at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.
Sharon Drew is currently designing programs for coaches to Find and Keep the
Ideal Client, and Lead Facilitation for Lead Generation.