Rob Ford Isn’t a Drunk. He’s a King.

Yesterday, the Toronto Star looked directly at the King of Toronto—also known as King Robbie, or in local hip-hop circles: MC Russian Prince Vodka—and spat in his perpetually sweaty pink face as if they were not actually citizens of his monarchy. They accused the ruler of the greater Toronto area of being a drunk. The staff over at The Toronto Star blasted Rob in what can only be described as front page regicide: “’Intoxicated’ Ford asked to leave gala.’” Note the omission of Robbie’s royal title. I’m surprised the entire editorial staff hasn’t already been catapulted into the lake on royal orders from the King himself! Today, the Star continued to play chicken against the royal catapult operator as they, once again, ran a cover story about Rob’s love of spirits.

According to the Star, Robbie got booted out of a party that was hosted by the Canadian military, and helped aid a charity for wounded Canadian warriors. According to city councilor Paul Ainsle, this incident took place two weeks after Robbie allegedly groped Sarah Thomson and so now, evidently, Paul is a threat to the crown. Paul says that eight different people came up to him and pointed out that King Robbie was super sauced. The story opens up one massive question, though: who would dare eject the king from a feast hosted by the marksmen of Stephen Harper’s empire? Wouldn’t whoever it was who tried to eject Robbie from the party—that’s technically a celebration in his honour anyway ‘cuz he’s the king of everyone and that includes the Canadian military—be immediately sent to the gallows?

Clearly Robbie is having a difficult time maximizing his political power. He’s thinking like a regular ol’ mayor while acting like a fat, drunk king. The Toronto Star’s story is based on the premise that it is somehow a dangerous thing for the King of an empire like Toronto to be a reckless alcoholic, who bursts into social functions with the elegance of Marg Delahunty hiding in King Rob’s bushes.

The Star’s incendiary article includes all sorts of misunderstandings regarding the way in which a jovial and chubby King, like my main man Robbie F., should conduct themselves in public. For example, the article cites an incident wherein King Robbie was downing stein after stein at a local watering hole called “The Bier Markt” for St. Patrick’s Day. The story quotes a server at the restaurant saying Robbie was “’incoherent’ and ‘hammered’’. Well I’m sorry, ale wench! Did your King offend you? Get a grip! Later in the article, the bar’s DJ is quoted as saying the King “was carrying on like an idiot.” Does this petty jester not understand he is speaking about King Robbie the Great?

The Star also goes on to report that, outside the bar, Robbie kissed a lady on the forehead who shouted at him and called him the “worst mayor ever.” This is perplexing reaction from a King—who really should be using his catapult over at city hall to dispose of such unfortunate dissidence within his constituency—but at least the people will remember King Robbie as a kind-hearted ruler who put up with their insignificant jibber jabber. Then in today’s report, another councilor named Joe Mihevc who is in a football pool with Rob claims that King Ford was “walking with a bit of a funny bounce” at a festival on St. Clair. Clearly Joe hasn’t heard of a regal strut.

Robbie my dude, why deny it? It’s time to shake this city up and entirely stop caring about what people think. One of your ungrateful plebeian subjects even made a spreadsheet that details all of your supposed controversies, and has shared it with his fellow slack jawed normies so they can have a laugh in between their value submarine sandwich lunches and long rides on commuter railways. Enough is enough! You’re a king. Yell at all the people you want and just be angry all of the time. The world is yours.