How to be a better friend (and get better friends in the process)

10 months ago

It’s all about reciprocity and communication

I have a friend who makes me feel bad.

Yeah I know, that isn’t the point of friendship. But somehow I have let it happen. I don't hear from him for weeks at a time, even if I text him asking advice or suggesting a meeting. And he never says why.

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Other friends text me, we meet for coffee, wine, dinner, and even if weeks pass between the meetings, with these friends I just know that we both have investment in the relationship and it’s only circumstances that have kept us apart. But not with him.

I really can’t depend on him to be there to chat, to laugh with or to support me when I need him. He can offer nothing back to me when I offer him my love and support. For weeks or months he may be a big part of my life day to day but then he disappears for chunks of time. I get that he may have his own issues but I know that calling him a friend when he makes me feel this way, isn't right. I know I’m doing all the work and getting very little back. And surely – SURELY – that give and take is what friendship is all about?

Lysn psychologist Stella Franzese tells it straight: I need to lose him. According to her, I’m right – to be a good friend, you’ve actually got to show up – and both parties have to feel like they’re getting something out of it.

“Important elements to a strong friendship include reciprocity and communication,” she says. “It relates to how you communicate with each other and whether you feel like you’re both positively benefiting from the relationship. Great friends often possess a well-developed, intuitive understanding of the give and take of support and emotional expressiveness. Relationships survive on mutual interactions so in order to be a good friend, you need to ensure you maintain regular contact and offer up unconditional support.”

Bah-bow to my mate, then. Don't ask me why I’ve let this happen for so long. I guess in reality it’s not as poisonous to my life as it seems here – if he’s not around, I talk to other friends, I have a network of people, we all make it work – but really … I know it’s not right, and ongoing, it’s not healthy.\

“If you find the relationship is becoming one sided, don’t lose yourself in a shameless demand-withdrawal cycle,” she continues. Erm, well …

“If this happens, you need to evaluate the relationship and decide whether you need to take a step back. If they’re a quality friend they’ll reach out given your absence. I myself took a step back from “friends” after carrying the friendship for years. Although it was torturous at first, I later felt grateful that I was spending less of my quality time with people who didn’t value me and never attempted to contact me.”

Time to make some changes in that department, however hard it’s going to be. And time to redefine what friendship is all about, and learn how to be a really good one to the people who love and need me the most.

Firstly, Stella explains, you need to evaluate and think to yourself, 'what is my personal definition of a friend?' and 'what sort of friend am I?' (they say that you’re only as good as the company you keep, so aim to be the best company you can be!). She also suggests to ask yourself, 'what friendship values are important to me?'

“Befriend people who you believe would have similar responses to those questions as you, similar values is the key!”

And are there universal rules we can all follow to be better at this friendship lark? Turns out, there are.

“Great friends are committed to the other person’s happiness and are emotionally supportive, loyal, trustworthy, thoughtful, reliable and accepting” says Stella (hmm, no pressure!).

“Friends always have the best intentions for each other and show compassion and understanding at all times. Great friendships thrive on being supportive and honest (but not critical). The same goes for you – your friends should always be accepting of you and make you feel good about yourself, rather than feel judged or criticised.”

“We judge when we feel threatened, when a light is being shone on a part of us we are hiding, or when a situation sounds way too much like ours. We go into fight or flight and defend.

“So although we have the face of a supportive friend, our words, body language and internal dialogue can become defensive and dismissive. Likewise, we can become overly involved and start to be taken over by the very issue we have been asked to help with.”

This brings up another good point – how much involvement is too much. Understanding each other’s boundaries is crucial to good friendships, as you need to know each other’s emotional limits. There will be times when a friend needs to be given space or times when they will rely on your strength and support.

“Understanding how a friend’s personality operates will help you manage your relationship with them, and help you know how to act when theses types of situations arise,” says Stella. “This understanding will enable you to know when to retreat, when to be honest and when to intrude for the sake of supporting them.”

Emily agrees.

“We need to know how far we can lean in while still keeping our feet planted solidly on the ground,” she says.

“When you know what your boundaries are and you become comfortable and confident with these, then you are placing yourself in the best position to be a truly great friend,” she continues. “You’ll start to become sensitive to the times and places to go hard and say it like it is, or to pull back allowing space.”

“The key here is taking the time to ask yourself what kind of friend you want to be, and always favour the side of love and respect.”