Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Episode 28- Our Last Day Together

The next few days were hard. Cody had to go out of town to Philadelphia and I was left alone with Ethan. I had never been left completely alone with him over night. To the normal person it would not have been a big deal...but I wasn't normal. So it was hard.

The day Cody left I sat alone in the living room and felt so small. He had made some casseroles and easy dinners for me so I didn't have to do anything, and I was grateful for it. But I felt very small, very alone, and very scared. There was a terrible snow storm that week that never seemed to let up. And apparently it was really bad out east where Cody was.

I kept myself occupied during the day making final preparations for the baby's arrival. The day before her birth I took Ethan out to drive around the University hospital. This is where I would be in a few short hours. How would our lives change? We then went to Baskin Robins to get some ice cream (even though it was January and 20 degrees outside). We sat there together and I tried desperately to take in the moment.

As I gazed into his sweet face covered in chocolate, I wondered how I would ever love another child as much as I loved him. It wasn't possible and I didn't see how it would ever happen. Feelings of anger ran through me as I thought of how our time was short. Soon there would be another person vying for my attention. Ethan would inevitably get the shaft and there was nothing I could do about it.

That night I let him stay up as long as he wanted to. We cuddled on the couch and watched American Idol and then Bob the Builder until he drifted off to sleep in my lap. I stroked his soft blond curls and sobbed. I did not want this time to end.

1 comment:

This is exactly how I felt when my second child was born. I remember SOBBING in the hosptial after my husband took my firstborn home to put him to bed. I know it wasn't rational, but I was so angry at my newborn, that I wasn't the one putting my 2 year old to bed that night.

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My name is Veronica and the last 5 1/2 years have been a wild journey for me. During my pregnancy with my 2nd child I experienced severe pre-natal depression, that only intensified into a nightmarish ordeal of post-partum psychosis and sent me down a road of prescription drug use that got wildly out of hand. As a result of my experince, however, I have rediscovered myself and gained insight into the world of drug use and the risks involved. Through lifestyle changes including nutrition, exercise, prayer, faith, spiritual upliftment, and meditation, I have found new ways to cope with the daily struggles and pains of life. I hope you will follow my story and see how an ordinary stay-at-home mom to 5 has risen above it all and come out on top.