Tuesday, February 16, 2016

When children align with one parent and unreasonably reject
the other, observers often assume that the favored parent is badmouthing—saying
negative things about the rejected parent to the children. When asked, however,
favored parents often protest that they don’t speak critically of the other
parent, that the assumption they are badmouthing is flat out wrong. In many instances the children confirm that
the favored parent is not badmouthing – and assert that they have reached their
negative conclusions about the rejected parent on their own. So what’s going on here? The children’s negative attitudes typically mirror
the favored parent’s – but there is no evidence that the favored parent is
conveying such directly.

Recent speeches and debate statements by presidential
candidates may offer an insight. With a
few exceptions, the current candidates frequently make remarks that include
half-finished sentences, vague words instead of precise ones, and pregnant
pauses. This speech style is not
evidence of fuzzy thinking. Rather, the candidates are using a powerful
rhetorical device known as anenthymemes.

One candidate speaking about immigration, for example, said
“we have to have a temporary something, because there’s something going on
that’s not good.” Huh?

The listener is left to interpret what the candidate meant
by this statement. And in practice,
listeners are likely to interpret the candidate’s “something” as consistent
with their own beliefs. Furthermore, the
vagueness deflects criticism – the candidate didn’t express any real position
here. Is the candidate saying too many
immigrants are arriving? Or too
few? The listener is left to fill in
the gap with their own assumptions about the candidate’s position—but the
candidate is free to say later on:
“That’s not what I said and that’s not what I meant.” Who can argue with that?

It’s easy to imagine a favored parent using an enthymeme to
similar effect: “Well, you know how your
father is.” “Something is sure going on
with your mother.” “Maybe something
happened to your father [mother] when they were your age.” Without overtly badmouthing the other parent,
such statements leave it to the child to fill in the gap and reach their own
conclusions about what that parent means – exactly what the children say they
have done when asked about their negative attitudes.

Enthymemes come in various forms. In addition to the
vagueness of “something,” speakers may use half-finished sentences, silence, or
dramatic pauses for similar effect. Consider
these responses to a child reporting excitedly about the other parent’s new
partner: “Well, hmm…..” “Let’s just wait and see if.....” “I suppose it could be…[sigh]……maybe, a good
thing.”

In each instance, the child must fill in the gap as to what
the parent meant, the parent can deny badmouthing, and the child can claim the
conclusion as their own, since they indeed filled in the gap with their own
biases or conclusions.

The lesson here is simple:
what isn’t said can be just as powerful as what is said. Evaluators and therapists should listen
carefully for and point out such devices when parents use them and parents
should be careful about relying upon them as cover for negative attitudes.

Because, you know, something
bad could happen if we don’t do something about it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

There are many sources of tension when families work with a
psychologist to repair damaged parent-child relationships. One practical matter with clinical
implications is scheduling sessions around teens’ school and extracurricular
activities. If the teen lives primarily
or exclusively with a favored parent, that parent may assert that the teen’s
involvement in extracurricular activities should be inviolable, a way to insure
as “normal a life as possible,” even if the damaged relationship remains damaged.
The rejected parent, in contrast, may argue
that sessions with the psychologist should take priority, perceiving that
repairing a damaged parent-child relationship is more important to their child’s
long-term psychological health than attending every practice: “Is it as normal a
life as possible for a teen to be estranged from one of their parents? Is a football practice really more important
than a son’s relationship to his mother or father?” Teens may align with either positon, although
in my experience the majority prefers extracurricular participation over attending
family sessions with either
parent.

When such scheduling conflicts arise, favored parents and teens
may allege that the rejected parents’ request for sessions reflects a selfish, inconsiderate
mindset. Rejected parents, in turn, argue
that the resistance to forgoing a practice or social event to accommodate a
session is more evidence of the favored parents’ disregard for the rejected
parents’ importance in the teen’s life.
Once parents’ views become polarized, compromise gives way to
stubbornness and impasse.

And experienced psychologists know: If he or she is able to
schedule a session in a sweet spot that does not interfere with the teen’s
varied activities and parents’ work schedules, the teen is now likely to complain
about being over-scheduled, not having enough time for themselves, or not
having time for their homework. No good deed,
as they say, goes unpunished. Tensions heighten further when family members
dramatize the scheduling negotiations with loud scoffing, eye rolls, exasperated
protests, and ‘I told you so.’

As in many conflicts, there is validity to each family
member’s perspective. Extracurricular
activities offer teens from divorced families opportunities for socialization,
skill mastery, and distraction from family tensions—all of which help the teen remain
disengaged from their parents’ conflicts and to prepare for adulthood. But it is also true that teens who do not
repair a damaged parent-child relationship are at risk for a host of mental
health and relationship problems as adults.
The psychologist’s challenge is to help find a win-win from what family
members present as lose-lose.

In the most problematic cases, the worst of the parents’
respective allegations are true. Indeed, some favored parents insist upon the teen’s
participation in extracurricular activities to block therapy. And some rejected parents insist upon sessions
no matter how much they interfere with other events out of spite or to show
“who’s boss.” When faced with such
assertions by litigants, experienced judges take matters in their own hands,
writing orders that state clearly what takes priority and the penalties for not
following the guidelines.

But before letting conflicts rise to the point of having to
submit to a court’s direction, parents might ask themselves:

·Are our children learning to appreciate different
perspectives and the power of compromise?Or are they learning to be stubborn and oppositional?

·Are they learning that healthy relationships find
ways to meet each person’s needs and interests?Or are they learning that their individual interests should trump everyone
else’s?

·Are they learning to respect our wishes, as
their parents, just as they expect us to respect theirs?Or are they learning that their parent’s
wishes can be ignored?

·Are they learning to approach a problem to resolve
it?Or are they learning that avoidance
is the preferred way to manage disagreement?

·And if the
sessions are court ordered: Are our children learning to respect a judge’s
authority and the law?Or are they
learning that is okay to defy a judge’s orders?To break the law?

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

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One of the hallmarks of divorce conflict is insufficient civility. Everyday, angry ex’ send contentious, nasty emails and texts that they...

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If you are family lawyer wanting to improve your analysis of mental health professionals's evaluations of your clients (or if you are a mental health professional preparing to testify about an evaluation you conducted), be sure to read the two best books on the market:Confronting Mental Health Evidence and How to Examine Mental Health Experts. Written by John A. Zervopoulos, Ph.D., J.D., these books will organize your analysis, guide your questions, and improve your practice.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.