Friday, June 29, 2012

It has been tugging at my mind, my heart, the very essence of my soul. Who was he talking to? That is the question that has been lingering in my mind since that night.

Tucker had been doing it for awhile but towards the end it became so obvious and clear that he was having a conversation with something/someone unseen that brought about an unmistakable pure joy.

The most significant time was the Saturday right before he died on Tuesday. My sister Kristen and I sat in the living room watching him have a complete conversation. He was laughing, he was answering, he was pausing and looking intently at something/someone that would have been about is height. He would wait….and then he would respond. We didn’t understand a word he was saying but he acted like it was clear as day. We didn’t understand what was so funny, but I’ve never seen him so joyful.

I remember saying several times, “Tucker, who are you talking to you??” He would look at me with those big brown eyes and then give me his big “squinty eye” laugh.

Could it just be….they were getting to know him.

One of my biggest struggles through this grieving process is when my mind starts forming images of that night. When any thought or image of that night comes to mind the only word that I can think of is agony.

I have witnessed panic attacks, I have helped people deal with their stress, I am usually as calm as they come. But images of that night can bring me to my knees, leaving me gasping for air, and literally having to remind myself how to breathe again.

There is no coping skill in the books that can get you through that image. That’s where God comes in.

Within the last month I have come across this verse several times. The way my body reacts when I see it, it is as if the very voice of God is whispering in my ear.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” Matthew 18:10

Could it be….his angels were here.

“Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation.” Hebrews 1:14

Were they preparing him?

Then there is Luke 16:22. Jesus says, “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side.”

To think, the army of heaven, God’s own ministering spirits, getting to know Tucker, talking to him, laughing with him, and carrying him home to the very presence of the Father.

The moment that brings haunting images to my mind is the moment that Tucker was made alive in Christ and ushered by his angels into the presence of God and His eternal kingdom.

What a moment that was.

How can a moment like that bring so much torment to one’s mind here on earth, but bring such joy on the other side. I sat in his room, just taking in the thought that the presence of God was alive in this place. To think that we were possibly entertaining angels and didn’t know it.

After having all these thoughts and coming across these verses, I came across an article of a little boy who was dying from cancer. Some pictures that were taken of him on a hayride came back with white spots surrounding the child. The child was very matter-of-fact and stated that those were his angels that had been with him for quite some time.

Friday, June 8, 2012

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.

Psalm 19:1

I stare at the sky quite a bit lately. I'm not sure what I am looking for but there is something so peaceful and extraordinary about how it's ever changing but never ceases to take your breath away. There have been numerous times when I will come to a screeching halt in my car and pull over on a busy highway to take a picture of the sky. Usually it's of a "T" that the clouds have formed so perfectly. I actually have this weird pain in my neck now that I think is a result of staring at the sky when I go running. I'm sure I don't look like a crazy person at all.

Nathan came outside one night when I was standing in the middle of the backyard staring at the moon and the stars. We just stood there staring. There's an anticipation now that I've never known. Maybe I just want a front row seat when the clouds depart for His return. Maybe I am really taking that verse literally about "keeping watch."

Maybe it's knowing that this precious boy is sitting next to the one that controls the clouds, sun, moon, stars, and entire universe that I am trying to patiently live in right now. All of a sudden, His creation around me is coming to life as I realize how He speaks through His works.

For the past couple of months now, I have been seeing white butterflies everywhere I go. The very first thing I see in the morning when I look outside is a white butterfly. When I go running, I will be praying and see a white butterfly. I don't remember the last time when a day has gone by and I haven't seen one.

The moment I found out Meryn McCall went to be with Jesus, I went to the window, closed my eyes, and started praying. When I opened them, there were two white butterflies in the window directly in front of me.

I finally decided to go figure out what the symbolism is for white butterflies. I stared in disbelief at my computer and said out loud "you've got to be kidding me." There were three definitions that immediately popped up in my google search. Representation of past soul. Guardian angel. Resurrection.

So then I became obsessed with taking pictures of white butterflies. To the point where I would sit outside in the grass with my camera in hand. Just waiting. I was with a group of friends one night where everyone was going on about what they did that day. Then I realized there was no way of getting around saying that I spent my entire day looking at butterflies.

Another sweet blessing in our lives has been the births of our precious niece and nephew.

Adelynn McMahan

and Ven Phillips

I prayed for these two precious babies this morning. That they would grow up to know Jesus and fulfill His purpose for their lives. They are the sweetest things and such a reminder of His redeeming love.

I believe that God is good. I believe that He is the Creator of all things. I believe that He is in control.

Tucker would have been 18 months today. Yes it is hard, but each second that goes by is one second closer to when I get to see him again.