Monday, May 12, 2014

The Edge of Reason

Imagine for a moment what it’s like to be in that state of “happy” drunkenness. Everyone is a friend, conversation comes easy and you can sing karaoke all night long without fear. Now take away the alcohol and you can get a sense of what it’s like to be “manic” for a bi-polar person.

I spent 6 weeks this spring in such a state and am 2 weeks into the opposite stage: depression. Two weeks into the mania I was admitted to an inpatient facility where I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I began my journey to rediscovering my true self. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, other than survive being born with a life threatening congenital heart condition. Without the love and support of my family and friends I would not be okay. Because of their unfailing love and understanding I am getting the help I need on my journey to finding balance in my life.

In the present moment reality seems obscure and my life feels abstract. I feel like I should come with a label “some contents may have shifted during shipping” because I am the same person I was, but not entirely. I finally got treatment I have needed, but was somehow able to put off because I channeled my mania into something productive: school and the depressive episodes I experienced were generally productive as well, with the help of an anti-depressant I started taking after George weaned from breastfeeding three years ago.

The combination of several back to back to back household moves drew me into a frenzy and I became a human doing of the highest degree. Once I graduated from school I had this thing called “time” to think and no outlet to channel the mania. I drew deeper into myself and when my husband returned to work at the end of January the stage was set for me to have my own private breakdown. I could feel it mounting for a while but didn’t realize what lay ahead, nor did I understand the seriousness of what I was on the cusp of, instead I did what most of us do, I dismissed the alarms and kept on trucking right into a web of total mental meltdown.

I haven’t felt like writing, reading, or even being anywhere near my laptop which is unusual for me, but depression does what it can to take away any and all enjoyment from life. I am doing my best to ride this wave out and work my treatment plan. I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to my friends and family for everything. I am truly blessed beyond measure. Your encouragement, prayers, and kind words have helped me crawl back out of the hole mania left me in and I am forever thankful for your love and support.