what about my marriage?

10-31-2009, 04:22 PM

Hi, I am a new mom of a one month old. Co-sleeping seemed like the most natural thing in the world when we brought our baby home, because it was so obvious that she felt more secure when she was up close to my body, and that made sense to us considering she had been inside me all of that time. But now she really cannot sleep without me. I am wondering, what happens to my husband and my relationship? With co-sleeping, I have to go to bed when my baby falls asleep, so that rules out staying up and spending any quality time with my husband. And I am wondering, what about intimacy? All of this is new to me, and I am just trying to figure out how it is going to work for our life. Any advice would be welcomed!

You are concerned about how a newborn is going to change your marriage. Well, in my experience, children change marriage quite a bit, but many of those ways are pretty great!

as for time with your dh, does your baby not sleep alone AT ALL? can you roll away after she is asleep? if she can't yet, she probably will be able to soon. is your other question about space? many couples find that they are able to make use of the other rooms in their house while their baby sleeps in their bed.

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With our first baby we did that some too. I would nurse him to sleep then let hubby hold him while we watched our favorite shows. Infant firstborn "watched" the Lord of the Ring Trilogy. Hubby and I really like those movies. Sometimes newborn firstborn would fall asleep for the night in a wrap and we would take a walk together (we live in a little city so we could walk downtown and get a snack too) There are many options if you choose to keep you baby with you. A newborn can also go to a movie with a couple! There is so much you can do with a newborn, they sleep so much!

If you choose to put your baby to bed and stay at home there are many ways to do that too. Use the 'roll away' technique. Nurse to sleep then roll away. Are you concerned about safety. We can talk about that too. If my hubby and I are in the room together (living room) I can put the baby in a moses basket, in a bassinet or other portable baby 'thing' then take him with you to bed when you and hubby go.

My husband wanted to be with us (me and baby) What do you want to do with hubby? What do you miss doing that you did before?

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Thanks for the tips...maybe part of the problem is our baby is fussy at night, so when she falls asleep, we just want to get her (and us) in to bed as seamlessly as possible. This might just be a temporary issue that will resolve in time. Right now, she seems to not be able to sleep hardly at all unless right up next to me. For naps I can usually get a break by putting her in the swing or in a boppy for a little while, but lying flat, she lasts a very short time without me.
I worry so much about her waking and starting to cry again that I don't even want to try to lay her down without me or roll away from her, because she wakes so easily if I am not right next to her. Do you think this is something that will get easier with age? Also, does everyone put their mattresses on the floor? If you roll away, how do you make sure that the baby doesn't fall?

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Hmmmm. two things
1. Both my babies did transtition out of that need after a few months. My second had a dairy allergy which after figured out and avoided really imporoved his sleep. Have you thought of any indications ofsensitivities in your child?

2. Maybe your husband could lay with you in bed and and do stuff, read, watch a movie, talk.

I understand what it is like with a fussy baby! I know you just want to get him to sleep. You also want to do stuff with hubby. You are having trouble seeing how you could do both with your infants current needs. It may help to think of how this high need part of your child's life is short, a few months maybe, and that is a way you both can focus on getting through it. How is your husband feeling about the whole thing? Are you getting pressure form him?

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we had our mattress on the floor at that stage. we pushed the mattress into a corner so that two sides were surrounded by wall. we then put pillows all around the mattress. we also had a video camera monitor that we could watch them if we were in another room.

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With my first born, I thought the sleeplessness would last forever!! Now she is 5 years old, and it seems like it was for such a short time (4 months, maybe 6?). So, yes, I'm sure it's just a phase.

I also agree that it might be food allergies. All of my children had milk allergies, so after I stopped eating so much cheese they slept much better.

My 3rd actually wanted me to hold her (cradle position) sitting upright, for the first 2-3 months of her life. Fortunately, I already knew from my first that this was just a stage, and to just enjoy it.

I also put pillows around the bed to ensure a safe landing in case anyone rolled off the mattress.

I hope you enjoy this very special time!

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Thank you for your replies. It helps to be reminded that this stage is short...right now it is hard to remember that, especially since she is my first. I hadn't really thought about food allergies...is it possible that they would make her fussy only in the evenings? She's a pretty happy baby the rest of the time, but at night...I wish I could just nurse her to sleep, but she gets really fussy and we usually have to pace and bounce until she finally drifts off, and then get in to bed carefully trying not to wake her, or we just have to start all over again. Needless to say, sometimes I don't even have a chance to brush my teeth or use the bathroom before bed because I am so concerned that if I move she will wake up.
Thankfully my husband is very supportive, and does spend time with me and helps me try to calm her. I think I just miss cuddling with him. I love cuddling our daughter, but it would be nice to be on the receiving end of some affection! But maybe the answer to my question is just about realizing that this stage will be over sooner than it feels. Thanks for the support!