The Eighteenth Day of Mellowmas: Vanessa Carlton Has Tinnitus

Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?

She’s laughing because she hears the bells, except there aren’t any

Jeff: groan

Jason: What now?

Jeff: Nothing. Everything. I’ve reached the point of the season where I start having Mellowmas nightmares.

Jason: Welcome to the club! I had my first one in late August.

Jeff: I start dreaming that totally nonsensical artists have made Christmas albums. And then, of course, the worst part is that they all start coming true. A few years ago, I woke up screaming after having a nightmare about a Christmas song from Train.

Jeff: Yeah, really. What’s going on here? I feel like I missed something.

And still, no bells.

Jason: Right! And she keeps telling us to hear them.

Jeff: Maybe this MEANS something, MAN. Maybe it’s like a STATEMENT or something.

Or maybe I just hate it.

Jason: I know what it means! It means it’s going straight into my trash can!

Vanessa Carlton must be having a really bad life right now.

Jeff: Vanessa Carlton is having a fine life. I’m the one who’s in pain right now. More of this “hear the bells” shit. Now she’s just taunting us.

Jason: STOP TELLING ME TO HEAR THE BELLS VANESSA CARLTON

THERE ARE NO FUCKING BELLS

Jeff: Well. THAT was certainly the opposite of joyous.

Jason: Congratulations, Vanessa. You join the ranks of people who feel like they have to share their pissy Christmas mood with the world. You join Judy and Regina.

Jeff: Except Judy was really telling a story, and I think Regina is legitimately crazy.

Jason: I have taken to YouTube to see what the public thinks of this song: “This is her best album so far. AMAZING. 10/10 material”

Jeff: Oh dear.

Jason: “She was trying to re-create the echo effect that bells have in church towers in a city like London. I find it beautiful it’s pure music artistry! I think you need to listen to more music if you don’t like the audio effects, OBVIOUSLY SHE KNOWS WHAT AUDIO EFFECTS ARE SHE IS A MUSICIAN!”

“Vanessa herself has said this song is about a time when she was sick, both physically and not physically.”

Jeff: “It was today.”

How long before you think we see an “acoustic version” of “Hear the Bells”?

Jason: Y’know, I was just thinking, “I hope someone does this without all the crash cymbals.”

Jeff: Let us make a pact to not listen to any more Vanessa Carlton songs until she releases an acoustic “Hear the Bells.”