01 June 2012

Part 2: How to Give and Receive Feedback

When
we give or receive feedback several things can go wrong because of a
fundamental misunderstanding of what feedback is all about in a relationship.
We have all been in a situation where someone asked us for feedback, we offered
advice only to discover that this is not what the person wanted.

We
have all been in a situation where a friend said “Let me give you some
feedback” and we discovered that we either could not really hear what he or she
was trying to tell us or we didn’t like what we heard. Yet we firmly believe
that relationships and job performance cannot be improved without feedback. And
feedback is indeed necessary for any learning to occur.

So
why does it sometimes not work? Because we mix up feedback with advice,
suggestions, general comments, and various other conversational behaviors. I
propose in this short blog to give a more precise definition of feedback and
some principles of how to give it and, more important, how to receive it.

Feedback Defined

From
the point of view of the receiver, feedback is information that tells you
whether or not you are on track with respect to your own goals. So if the
person telling you something is not connecting with your own goals you will not
hear it or pay attention or even be offended.

Point No. 1

If
you want useful feedback, you must let the giver know what your goals are
so that the information will be relevant. If you are the giver, if you want to
get something across to your subordinate, for example, you should find out what
he or she is trying to do before giving them information or advice.

Point No. 2

Information
will only be useful if it is specific enough for you be able to apply
it. So if you are seeking feedback give the person concrete examples of your
goals rather than asking vague questions like “How am I doing?” If you are the
giver of feedback try to be specific with behavioral examples.

If
you want to tell your subordinate “you need to more assertive” what you might
say: “In contacts with your customers I see you backing off; you should stand
your ground more.”

Point No. 3

Feedback
works best when it is timely, when it is given soon after an event, when
it clear to both giver and received what the goal was and how it might have
been accomplished better. That is when the received is most likely to be open
to hearing what the giver has to say and when concrete examples can be given.

Point No. 4

Finally,
feedback works best, i.e. is most helpful,

if it is descriptive
rather than evaluative.

“You
should have been more aggressive when John challenged you at that meeting” might
be more helpful if it was stated as “When I saw John challenge you at the
meeting, I noticed that you became silent…”

That
opens the door to the receiver to explain or absorb the implication. It also
focuses on what the giver of feedback observed which might or might not agree
with what others observed.

By
making a judgment of what you should have done, you are putting yourself
into a superior role. By making a descriptive observation, you open the door to
learning by exploring why the receiver did what he or she did.

We
want feedback to be helpful but it is only helpful if it is solicited,
specific, timely and non-evaluative.