you might be in the third trimester if...

You might be in the third trimester if you have to employ one of the following techniques to groom your bikini line- 3rd person waxing, begging your partner to shave it for you (and praying they don’t take that as foreplay), awkward mirror in the shower placement, the risky blind shave.

You might be in the third trimester if the cleavage created by your boobs resting on your belly is bigger than the cleavage you get with a push up bra.

You might be in the third trimester if you preemptively cross your legs and pray you don’t piss yourself *that* bad every time you sneeze.

You might be in the third trimester if you have to apply one of Newton’s Laws of Motion to hoist yourself out of bed.

You might be in the third trimester if you leave every grocery store feeling lucky you didn’t punch anyone in the face for saying something stupid.

You might be in the third trimester if you if you barely remember the days when both pooping and sleeping were a piece of cake.

You might be in the third trimester if you’ve ever wanted to get a maternity top that says “STFU” on it.

You might be in the third trimester if you wear flip flops no matter what the temp because they’re like sweat pants on Regina George – they’re all that fits you.

You might be in the third trimester if turning over in bed requires an action-adventure soundtrack.

You might be in the third trimester if you can’t even wear jewelry anymore. So they think you’re an unwed mother-to-be and they nod sympathetically at you.

You might be in the third trimester if you refer to your fetus as David Koresh and suggest that your doctor “smoke him out of his hole.”

You might be in the third trimester if you knife someone for asking whether you’re going to eat the WHOLE pie. YES I am damnit!

You might be in the third trimester if you have to request NON booth seating at the restaurant.

You might be in the third trimester if your late night snacks are Tums.

You might be in the third trimester if you’d like to take a pillow to the bathroom and sleep on the toilet to keep from having to get up to pee.

You might be in the third trimester if your belly turns on the stove.

You might be in the third trimester if you wake up at 6am on a Saturday & decide painting the closet is important.