Guys Uncensored: The Dirty Truth About Dumping You

Cosmo got men to spill about what the %@#! they're thinking when they kick you to the curb. Plus, how a guy copes when he's the dumpee.

Jun 14, 2007

Anna Palma

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Just like when you're watching a slasher flick, there's a point in a relationship when you can sense that something bad is about to go down. Only it's a lot harder to predict a guy's behavior than it is a screen serial killer's — especially when it comes to breakups. Which is why Cosmo spoke to a bunch of Jasons, Freddies, and other regular guys for the real deal on what's running through their heads when they sever ties. We also got the straight-up facts on how men react when you do the dumping — and the heinous, pathetic ways they try to move on...

Guys' Ugly Bag of Breakup Tricks

"When I'm over a girl, I try to annoy her into dumping me. I'll rag on her favorite TV show or her friends. Or I'll pull away from sex and say my workload is stacking up. Eventually, she'll lower the boom. That way I don't have to feel bad about hurting her feelings."

—Sam, 24, database consultant

"If my exact reason for breaking up is bad — say, because she's not as good-looking as I'd like her to be — I'll say, 'The spark's just not there.' I'd feel too guilty if something I said made her go out and get a nose job or lipo."

—Wesley, 30, Web designer

"I always break up over e-mail, so I don't get yelled at. Who wants to look into someone's about-to-fall-apart face and tell them that they're no good for you anymore? E-mail is much better. You still feel like a jerk, but it passes quickly."

—Geoffrey, 23, reporter

"I once told a girl that she reminded me too much of my sister and that's why we had to break up. The truth was, I wasn't all that into her."

—Chad, 27, teacher

"I was dating a girl I really liked, but I was drunk — and alone — at a party. I wanted to fool around with this other girl so badly, but she wouldn't touch me until I called my girlfriend to break up. So at 2 a.m., I picked up the phone in this girl's bedroom, called my girlfriend, said, 'I'msorrywecan'tseeeachotheranymorebye' and hung up."

—Roger, 27, social worker

How He Really Feels After Calling It Quits

"After I break up with a girl, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. Before you break up, you're agonizing because you're not sure if it's the right decision. That stage can be harder than the actual breaking-up part."

—Shane, 35, photographer

"Frankly, if I dump a girl, it's because I have someone else waiting in the wings. So I'm a happy guy."

—Geoffrey

"I act like a typical male idiot and celebrate my freedom by partying. Basically, I feel like a new person after the breakup because I'm free of this ball-and-chain. But when the two-month emotional delay kicks in, the newness of being single wears off. I usually feel worse then."

—Dave, 28, office manager

When He's the One Who Got the Ax

"After my girlfriend of two years dumped me, my friends flew me to Vegas. Never go to a strip club after you've been dumped. It depresses you and makes you miss your sweet girl."

—Shane

"I usually write my ex a tell-off letter and point out everything I couldn't stand about her, and sometimes I actually mail it."

—Geoffrey

"I go out and have sex with any decent girl who hits on me. You have to reaffirm that you've still got it."

"Trash-talking a girl is necessary sometimes. One night, I made a girl I'd been dating her favorite dinner and served it with wine and candlelight, but she dissed me after we had sex. So I told all my friends she had bad skin and was a terrible dancer, which explained her total lack of moves in bed."

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—Nick, 30, contractor

"I'm not afraid to talk trash, but I'm usually more into figuring out what the hell happened. I broke up with the last girl I lived with because I found a bill for $14,000 that she had racked up on her own charge card and was afraid to tell me about. If she's afraid to tell me about that, what other irresponsible things has she done and hidden from me? So I analyzed it with my friends to make sure I wasn't crazy." —Jason, 31, architect

"I dated a girl once who turned out to be a stripper with two kids. She told me she was a telemarketer. I found out the truth from her friend. It was so stupefying and weird. A stripper? With kids? How could I not share that whopper with my friends?"

—Corey

"After the breakup, I usually talk about how great she was in bed — in deep detail. At that point, it's fair game to kiss and tell."

—Seth, 32, copywriter

The Post-Dump Hump

"I often wind up having sex with my exes. It's always better than the sex you had when you were together because you don't have the relationship baggage anymore."

—Ontario, 26, bartender

"Sexual nostalgia can suck you in, especially after a few beers. I remember an ex coming over because she was upset and had just broken up with some guy. We hadn't spoken for eight months, and we wound up ripping each other's clothes off. After we did it, she sobbed. I thought she was sad over me, so I tried to console her. But she said she was crying over the guy she just left!"

—Geoffrey

"If it's not good enough to hang out with the girl anymore, it's not good to keep having sex with her." —Roger

"Years after we broke up, an ex called me up at 5 p.m. on the dot and said, 'I'm standing in a sex shop. What should I get?' Her call definitely set the stage for major reunion sex."

—Shane

When He Gets Loco After You Leave

"I took a bunch of her bras with me, put them on my charcoal grill at home, doused them with lighter fluid, and just let them go up in flames."

—Wesley

"I gave her back everything she ever gave me — poetry, a sweater — which was really stupid because she just threw it all back in my face and shrieked, 'Well, I don't want it!'"

—Seth

"I was stuck in this rut of calling and hanging up on my ex every few days. The shit hit the fan when I called up drunk at 4 a.m. and left four messages in a row on her machine. Finally, I stopped." —Sean, 25, chef

"I knew my ex was living with a new guy, and one night at 2 a.m., I decided to confront them. They lived in a second-floor rear-balcony apartment, so I climbed a tree and started knocking on their sliding-glass doors. I woke up their roommate; he was shocked to see me standing on his balcony, but he let me in. Then it hit me: I was a complete ass. They told me they wouldn't press charges if I just left." —Roger

"I slashed the tires, keyed the doors, and dented the hood of her new boyfriend's car. He never fought back because he thought I was psycho."

—Corey

Who Does He Date Next — and How Soon?

"A few weeks after we broke up, I went after the girl who I thought would annoy her most: her pretty sorority sister, whom she hated." —Ontario

"I prefer dating European women, especially after an American. Following a debilitating relationship, this German chick I went out with was so much more realistic. She didn't expect me to be Ben Affleck and have a constant romance going. Sometimes it's Monday and I don't feel romantic. Sometimes you fart and that's not romantic." —Dave

"I guess my immediate choice is for the opposite kind of girl. If my ex was wild, I want a librarian. If she was chunky, I want Ally McBeal. Then it really feels like a whole new relationship."

—Nick

"The only girls I want after a breakup are centerfolds in porn magazines. I'm usually so fed up with girls at that point that I become pretty antisocial."

—Geoffrey

"I quickly get involved with a girl who's just broken up with someone too; that way we're both in transition. Maybe she's not all that, maybe she loves boy bands, maybe she snorts when she laughs. That's the rebound: You date someone who is reasonably attractive who allows you to have sex with them. Period." —Sean

Who Breaks More Hearts?

Even though 51 percent of women say they instigated their most recent breakup, only 32 percent of men admit they've been dumped. Hmm. And while 38 percent of guys dub their most recent split "mutually agreed upon," only 28 percent of women report the same.

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—Source: American Demographics survey

I Had to Dump Her, Man

Some chicks practically ask for the boot. Could you be one?

The Dryer Sheet. She clings to her guy so tightly that no matter where he goes or who he's with he can't shake her loose. Guys crave freedom, so a Dryer Sheet chick can suffocate a man's style. Even if he tells you that he loves spending time with you or wants you around, consider backing off when you don't have to.

The Nutcase. She heavily flirts with dudes in front of her guy to rile him up and likes screaming at him in public for things like making her go home after she passed out at the bar. Men hate drama and don't want to feel like they're in an episode of The Hills. No matter how fired up you are about something, keep your cool. Or else...!

The Full Discloser. She tells her beau about her menstrual cycle, the eating habits of her three cats, and how many guys she's slept with since losing her virginity at 17 1/2. It's nice to feel like your boyfriend is a best friend, but a little mystery goes a long way. There are just some things you should never tell him.

The Drama Queen. She constantly tests her beau by threatening to break up with him. Then when he tries to dump her, she has a meltdown in the middle of the restaurant. This type sounds similar to The Nutcase, but is more emotional, rather than just psycho. If you feel like your relationship is a roller coaster, consider analyzing why you go through these torturous, insecure moments. Chances are, you just need a little reassurance that your guy cares about you. Be upfront with your man and tell him you need consistent reassurance and affection.

The Timekeeper. There's never enough "our time" for her; she pouts when her guy is with friends or works overtime. This type is similar to The Dryer Sheet, but can be more manipulative. How often do you give your guy guilt trips? If you're in the habit of keeping watch of his every move and getting upset when you're not numero uno on his priority list, you could be a Timekeeper. Busy yourself with other projects, honey.