How many Jews does it take to…

byHeshy FriedonNovember 28, 2012

How Many Jews Does It Take ToÖ

by CM Fried

Thereís no set number of Jews that it takes to form a community, but thereís a minimum you need just to make it functional.† The minyan thing is obvious, yes, but you should probably also sprinkle in a few more guys for the occasional funeral and wedding. Any case that requires three witnesses can be covered by those same men, but donít forget about the minyan at the Sephardic Breakaway Shul across the street, too. You donít want to keep those poor guys out front yelling at every suit that walks by YOU DAVEN ALREADY? COMECOMECOMECOME!!! even longer than they already have to. There have to be at least two women if one is going to go to the mikvah to make sure the otherís dip is kosher, and you might even want a few extra hands around if one of them is giving birth. Whatever, you get my point. We need each other,if for no other reason, to perform a variety of mitzvahs.

Now how many Jews of a community does it take to keep everybody religious? I have a theory that without that one archetype, the Extremely Pious Woman, the rest of us ladies would never make it to shul. You canít let Extremely Pious Woman make everybody else look bad, so you go to help her Occupy Ladiesí Section. Now your attendance guilts your neighbor into attending, she guilts her daughter-in-law, and it goes on down the line. There you go: the other side of the mechitza has been established.

When you want to fine tune your communityís weekday shacharis to start at a decent time, you need Starts Work at an Ungodly Hour Man. This is the one that shows up to shul even before the gabbai and glares at whoever is unlucky enough to be unlocking the door that day. He has everyoneís phone numbers and isnít afraid to use them even before itís necessary. If you donít answer texts, thatís no problem. Heís already dialing your wife.

For shalom bayis reasons, you need Four Thousand Dollar Sheitl Lady. She raises the bar in terms of beauty and keeps the womenfolk striving to look bíchein for their husbands. Sheís tznius but fashionable, with a wardrobe that would break the bank for anybody in the shul aside from her husband. Itís an impossible standard for the women to attain, but sometimes you need those extremes just to balance out those of us that donít take our shabbos robes off until we make havdalah on Tuesday.

Thereís always another guy you need, typically someone involved in chinuch, called Makes Brachos Out Loud Guy. Heís the last to wash his hands before you cut the challah even if itís not his house. He waits calmly until everyone is seated and already scaring off the shechina by making funny faces at each other when he empties the washing cup, turns around with a big toothy smile, hands raised like heís ready to go into the operating room, and in his best corny voice loudly pronounces the bracha so that you all have to snap out of it and say Amein in reply. If it werenít for that, the crowd would descend into making fart noises and pointing fingers at each other, kidding themselves into thinking that the ikar is not keeping your mind on the coming blessing, but simply not saying anything out loud.

And speaking of eating, the only person that keeps us from paying the bill and making a beeline for the door of the restaurant is Just Home From Seminary Girl. Youíve packed your pockets, car keys in hand, and have already made a production of shoving back your chair when she quietly announces, ďIím just going to bentsch real quickĒ. Ah yes, of course you are. Me too.

Rebbetzin Fried, you nailed it on the head. A few others to consider needing in your neighborhood is the Never-Shouts family, who’s kids are model children, and the parents are awesome, quiet people. You know, the people your kids yell at you, saying, “Why can’t you be like *their* parents!?” To the other extreme, Hocker Guy. iPhone, blackberry, and a bluetooth in each ear. On the phone even when it’s his turn in line for coffee, paying at the supermarket, in a restaurant, or how he spends half of chazzarat hashatz outside the door of shul. We NEVER want to be him.

Telz Angel

Bravo! Love it. And Welcome.

Hey, what about “Creepy Guy Who Peeks Over the Mechitza Looking For Fresh Meat”? (gigiddy giggidy). And the “I Heard There May Be A Problem With That Hashgacha But I’m Not Really Sure So We Don’t Use It In Our Home, But I Guess You Could Use It In Yours Since You Are Not As Machmir As We Are” woman who sincerely thinks she is raising the level of the community with her random comments. And one more — the “I’m The Only Guy In Town That Wears This Kind Of Bekeshe Because I Became A BT and Decided To Affiliate With An Obscure Hassidic Group That You Never Heard Of Before, But Despite My Peculiar Outfit I Really Want To Be Part Of This Community, But Only To Show That I’m Not Really Part Of It” guy?

It seems to me that most communities have these people too.

Mendy

Every community needs at one begger that go around during morning shachris to beg for spare change. Preferably not when the congregation is saying the morning Shma.

Middle-Age Hot Chani Divorcee Who Makes A Different Frumster.com Shnook Shlep Into Town Every Other Shabbos And Follow Her Around Like A Puppy On Leash And Then Dumps Him After He Buys Dinner at Le Marais

The Mrs.

Yes, but how do these people keep us religious?

Rob Schwartzman

By showing us what not do

Yochanan

FYI, Frumster is now JWed.

Anonymous

I know, but Heshy got married before it changed. I didn’t want him to think he missed anything.

And then there are shuls where the breakaway Sephardic minyan is *in the same shul*. They don’t seem to lack a minyan, but kohanim is a diffrerent story. In fact, on som Yomim Tovim our kohanim have to do triple duty (there is also the early minyan). They don’t mind, though, since they get to eat the Sephardic kiddush (yes, they have their own kiddush and they’re allowed to stay in the shul)

Rob Schwartzman

The breakaway Sephardic minyan *inside* my own shul is now stealing kiddush sponsors! Probably because a kosher caterer runs that minyan and his sephardic catered food is better than the kugel and herring from the ashkenazi shul sisterhood volunteers.

Rob Schwartzman

A Few More:

Eldery Gabbai Who Knowbody Can Hear And Has Old Man Smell So Bad That You Gag When You Lean Over To Tell Him Your Hebrew Name

Off The Derech Ex-Husband Guy Who Just Wants To Play Golf On Saturday And Attend Minyan Only For A Simcha

Eccentric Widow Who Wants Tells Everybody How Frum Her Cock-Tease Non-Shomer Single Daughter Is

Micah T

Welcome Mrs. Fried. Excellent post! Hope to hear from you on a regular basis.
And thanks for convincing Heshy to keep doing what he does so well.

Tinok ShenishBeth

I just loves you, Mrs. Fried!

nycnyc

is Joseph Fried a relative? why don’t you write about the trial?

Mrs. Fried

Who is Joseph Fried and why should we write about him?

Israelit

Great Post! We’d love to see you write more often. Two more necessities for a community to stay frum:
Lady Who Starts Her Pesach Cleaning as Soon as Kislev is Over and Informs Everyone They Need to Bleach Every Toy, Lightbulb, Book, and Surface in the House. Without her talking about her earlier-than-thou Pesach cleaning, the rest of us would probably wait til 3 days before to even buy the bleach and scrubbers.
Grouchy Old Man Who Shusshes and Glares at Everyone Who Shifts in Their Chair or Whispers to Their Neighbor in Shul. Without him the old ladies Occupying the Women’s Section would be conversing so loudly that no one could hear a word of the Parasha.