Kenneth Knepper: New Year’s resolutions gone awry

Tuesday

Dec 29, 2009 at 12:01 AMDec 29, 2009 at 6:32 PM

As part of my resolutions for the New Year and in addition to those items that have remained a part of the list since my adulthood — weight loss, getting in shape, winning the lottery, starring in a movie, etc. — I tried thinking of some rewards I might ask for from my employer.

Kenneth Knepper

As part of my resolutions for the New Year and in addition to those items that have remained a part of the list since my adulthood — weight loss, getting in shape, winning the lottery, starring in a movie, etc. — I tried thinking of some rewards I might ask for from my employer.

Lucky for me, even though my request for a raise and shortened workweek may fall through again, thanks to a story from CareerBuilder, I have a back-up plan.

In a recent survey among 2,900 managers at U.S. companies, they were asked to recall their most memorable requests from employees for perks.

Among them, and in the true spirit of “benefits,” I put together some of my favorites:

1. “Install a tanning bed in the break room.”

Nothing screams healthiness like a team of bronzed employees in the middle of January, unless it’s a team of bronzed employees with those funny little white patches around their eyes where protective goggles set during the tanning process so you don’t tan your corneas.

2. “Allow jail time to be covered under the company’s family medical leave policy.”

No one plans to spend the night/week/month in a local detention center, but there should be a provision in all company handbooks authorizing special “leave” for those moments when an errant decision is made.

Often, there is a strong argument for jail time falling under a mental health issue, anyway, since it often is a lapse in reasoning.

3. “Put in a special smoking area for medical marijuana use.”

Think of the popularity of break times once you include a place for medicinal marijuana smoking. However, before installation, make sure you’ve initiated a family medical leave policy for jail time because, in most states, marijuana still is not considered medicinal.

4. “Give employee more time off to pursue his side business as a clown.”

While some managers might argue they already have plenty of clowns taking up work time, it seems this may provide a prime opportunity to allow someone time to get his clowning around out of his system. Besides, who doesn’t love a good clown?

Perhaps you could even hire him at a discounted rate to host budget reviews or to take away some of the unpleasantness when facing layoffs.

5. “Allow an employee to replace his desk with a futon so he could work lying down.”

In the true spirit of business, every employee should feel as comfortable as possible. I’m pretty sure it’s in the U.S. Constitution as a sub-section under the title, “Pursuit of happiness.”

Personally, I’m partial to a recliner and flat-screen television.

6. “Put beer in the vending machine.”

Let’s face it, on at least one occasion everyone has thought to himself, “This place drives me to drink.” Well, now a solution keeps a person on the clock and in the office while raising his “spirits.”

There were several other possibilities, such as hosting a company’s next team meeting in Hawaii and allowing employees to change clothes in their cubicles.

Someone even requested “Bikini Fridays,” which might require the addition of “on-site waxing” to an employee perks submittal.

In the past, I’ve aimed low with regard to my New Year’s resolutions, because I struggled with the idea of setting ambitious, life-changing goals during a time of the year when many mammals are in hibernation.

Besides, trying to give up something I’ve lived with for the past 365 or more days is like trying to quit blinking.

It’s impossible.

Since experts tell us only simple resolutions work, I might try something a little less difficult to achieve next year, beginning with regularly falling asleep in front of the television. You can call it a resolution, but for purposes of discussions with my wife, I think I’ll just call it, “instinct” in its simplest form.

Ken Knepper is publisher of The Newton Kansan. He can be contacted at kenneth.knepper@thekansan.com.