Raising Children & Tu B'Shvat

Embracing the mission to nurture the inherent potential of our children.

There is no better parablein my eyes to parenting a child than tending a seed into a tree. We are entrusted with a precious seed from God to help see it develop and grow. We do not choose its type, we do not control its process of growth; we just do our best to give it what it needs to grow and flourish, and sit back and watch. This perhaps is why the Hebrew word for offspring is “zerah” – which means seed.

Some of us are handed seeds that need little talent and attention to grow, while others were entrusted with a bit more complex seed. We must not become frustrated and upset at the seed or the One who handed it to us, but rather embrace our role in our special mission. Certainly screaming at the seed, “What’s a matter with you? Why can’t you grow already?” will only retard its development.

We don’t control if and when our children will grow. Our objective is to give them as much nourishment as we can. We embrace them for who they are. We show them how beautiful the Torah is. We water. We provide sunshine. Just because you don’t see immediate growth does not mean nothing is happening right now.

When we see a plant break the surface of the ground, things did not begin to happen now. They have been happening months before; just it is not visible to the naked eye. Year after year I see a boy in twelfth grade who is learning and growing while he was performing poorly in eleventh. Did he just wake up now? No! It just took time until he was ready to process all the internal growth and development into external action.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains most beautifully that herein lies the significance of the holiday of Tu B’Shvat. As he articulates in his poetic style: "Though still in the middle of the bleak embrace of winter, the gentle murmur of the awakening spring begins its hidden work. In the core and the arterial network of the trees, silently and softly, hidden from casual view, the new sap flows announcing the coming of spring."

Parenthetically, I think if we were more in touch with the real growth process of our children and people in general, we would pick up on our child’s true internal state. A parent will tell me that they don’t see any significant change; just maybe he is showing a little more courtesy at home. At that point I become excited and say, “Wow, that’s great. That’s a sign of real internal growth taking place. He is maturing. With God's help, we will see more to come.” Conversely, we would notice negative things brewing far before they are out in the open and thus be able to intervene and help earlier.

As parents and educatorsour focus should not be on producing fruit; our focus should be on nurturing the seed. If one manipulates the tree in an unhealthy way to produce fruit sooner than it is ready, its long term production and most often even its short term will suffer. We must focus on giving plenty of water and sunshine, and allow each child to blossom in his way and at his time.

Every display of love is another ray of sunlight. Every positive word is another drop of water. Every positive experience contributes to the realization of the seed’s potential. And conversely, every negative experience does damage.

We are certainly living in turbulent times. The storms around us are blowing stronger and stronger winds. While we should do our best to block whatever winds we can, the only real and long term solution is by developing a tree with deeper and stronger roots. We must do our best to implant each child with a great sense of self worth and love for Torah. If not, he is at risk to being blown away by the storms. He has no roots keeping him attached to the ground.

Parents and educators must firmly believe in the potency of every seed they were handed. They must be confident that if they give it everything it needs to flourish, it will ultimately blossom it a wondrous tree that will bear beautiful fruit, for it will. There may be a long winter stretch where nothing has broken the surface, but they must realize that their efforts are not in vain. They are cultivating growth. We should bear in mind that sometimes the most precious fruit take the longest to ripen.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum just released his new book, "The Heart of Parenting" with Targum Press. heartofparenting.com

He is a rebbi in the Mesivta of Waterbury, weekly columnist in the English Yated Ne'eman, and author of "Run After (the right) Kavod" (Israel Bookshop) and two Hebrew books on personal growth, Olam Hamiddos and Olam Ha'avodah. He also offers private counseling on guidance and encouragement for parents and their children. He can be contacted at kestenbaum4@yeshivanet.com.

Visitor Comments: 9

(7)
yakov yoel,
January 17, 2014 1:42 AM

bauoss

This article is amazing and all of your other articles are as well superb and teach how one should really be mechanech our children .Rabbi kestenbaum has a life changing new book "the heart of parenting" its a must read.

(6)
talmid,
January 17, 2014 1:39 AM

must read for any parent

Rebbe, you nailed it again! we are often so superficial and counter-productive when it comes to chinuch- the points made here are amazing, thank you rebbe! everyone should spend whatever time and money necessary to buy "the heart of parenting"- it is priceless..

(5)
Naomi in Belize,
January 16, 2014 12:14 PM

This is a beautiful, very needed insight. I can affirm that the future generation that has been entrusted to me will benefit because of my having read this this morning. I thank Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum and all at Aish.com for this blessing, B"H.

(4)
Joe,
January 15, 2014 5:33 PM

Big fan!

Wow once again a well written piece by Rabbi Kestenbaum. His ability to properly understand children and their strong points is astounding. His masterful insights in Chinuch are world renowned. His deep understanding of today's challenges in chinuch and outside influences are apparent in his book "The heart of parenting". A must read for a parent in 2014!

(3)
pessie,
January 14, 2014 11:06 PM

thank you

Not only is this a beautiful thought but a beautifully written article as well. Thank you.

(2)
RWeisz,
January 14, 2014 9:08 AM

Question

Thank you a lot for this beautiful article.But I stay with the question what kind of "wind" you mean which is "getting stronger and stronger" and we have to block out of our lives. In many texts we have to read about something "bad outside" which we have to fight and block. Somehow this really disturbes me. Is there no other way to strengthen ourselves but through assignment?

moshe don kestenbaum,
January 14, 2014 2:38 PM

author's response

Thank you RWeisz, The winds I am referring to are the winds of immorality that keep getting stronger as the media and internet expose things that never would have been tolerated years ago. We should certainly try to protect our children from exposure to that which we feel is inappropriate, for example, a filter on our computer. However the mistake many parents and educators make is to rely on protecting and not focus enough on building. Our children will ultimately have access to things we wish they wouldn't and only if we have imbued in them strong morals and character can they withstand the onslaught of today's challenges. May we have much nachas from our children!

talmid,
January 17, 2014 1:55 AM

ashreinu that we have you rebbe.. hakaras hatov- thank you rebbe!

YH

(1)
Richard L,
January 13, 2014 2:54 PM

It's so true

Thank you Rabbi Moshe for this article. I just need it to develop a good relationship with our son. I think I put much emphasis on the fruit without thinking much about the seed. Now I can see the hope and feel my hard work and patience will bear good fruits.

The other part I like and feel so true is that we can not control its process of growth. I have met many painful situation that I could not control.

Thank you for making me more patient, inspired, confident to be a good father.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...