Monday, May 29, 2017

Depression Among Kinksters

A version of this post was originally published in the Bay Area Reporter.
The resources mentioned are mostly from the local San Francisco Bay
Area, but the main content of the post and some of the resources will
prove useful to anyone. You will find the original online version here.

One of the most beautiful things about the San Francisco Bay Area
leather and kink scene is how connected and supportive everyone is with
each other. I don’t want to paint a picture of a perfect kink Utopia.
All communities have their challenges and areas for improvement, but the
Bay Area really is special as far as I’m concerned in how we honor,
acknowledge, befriend and assist others in our scene. It’s a great place
to be a kinkster.

Of course, I am sure many others would say that their local scene is
equally connected and supportive. In many cases they are likely correct.
The Bay Area is my home and it’s the local scene here with which I am
most familiar.

Nowhere was the “it takes a village” mindset displayed more than at the recent event hosted by the San Francisco Leathermen’s Discussion Group (LDG) about
depression within the leather and kink communities. As I sat in that
room listening to therapist professionals and fellow local kinksters
explain the details of depression, how it can manifest in people’s lives
and how it can be treated and managed, I realized I was sitting amidst a
special group of people. “These folks get it” I thought. They
understand that along with all the hot sex and play, bar gatherings,
conferences, contests and other things us kinksters do, if we don’t
actually care for each other both individually and collectively, can we
really consider ourselves a compassionate and caring community, or a
community at all really.

There is a collection of maladies that inhabit our scene, as in all
walks of life, that are either directly linked to depression or, as I
like to say, are kissing cousins of it. Outright depression, ongoing
clinical or temporary. Loneliness. Suicidal thoughts. Feelings of
differentness or isolation. Being the newcomer and trying to fit in. All
of these things, and more, are present within our scene just like they
are in other sectors of life.

Consider also that kinky people can have shame about their
non-standard sexual leanings that long outlasts any shame they may have
felt as LGBT. That can be a contributing factor to feeling depressed
too.

But you know what? I think in many ways we are better equipped to
help our fellow kinksters. We have built in mechanisms to connect us and
communicate with each other that perhaps other groups do not. That
gives me hope and makes me proud to be part of the leather and kink
world.

As I sat and listened to the presenters on the panel, and listened to
audience questions and the resulting answers and cross discussion
taking place, certain themes emerged for me about depression and the
impacts that ripple through kinksters’ lives and the scene overall. Here
are my layman’s observations.

Experiencing depression is by no means rare. Many of us experience,
either fleetingly or ongoing, some form of depression during our lives.

Depression, in all its various ways of expressing itself, looks and
feels different for different people. We can’t always know that people
we know are depressed. However, when we do, there are things we can do
to help.

There can be a tendency for many depressed people to isolate
themselves. That sometimes makes it harder to realize a friend is
depressed. But if you notice someone hasn’t been around for a while, or
you haven’t heard from someone who normally communicates with you, check
in. Call them. Text them. Facebook them. However you do it, reach out.
Just say hi. That single act of checking in can do so much for the
depressed person. If it’s at all possible, try to make reaching out
result in an in person, face-to-face meeting. Nothing trumps being
physically present with someone.

One of the important things you can do to help someone who is
depressed is something pretty simple. Show up. Be there. Connect. Be a
presence. You don’t have to offer any advice. In fact, at times that can
be counter productive. Just be a friend. Just be an acquaintance who
cares. Talk. Hang out. See if someone wants to grab some coffee, go for a
walk, or just “be” together. The point is to foster a human connection
because that’s often what the depressed person needs the most.

If alcohol or substance abuse appears to be a possible issue in
someone’s life, see if you can navigate them to finding some assistance.
It seems that for many people depression and substance abuse go hand in
hand, although you can’t always be sure which one ushered in the other.
To a friend, it doesn’t matter. What’s important is to see if you can
move them toward some help and support. Luckily, there is a strong
presence of sober folks and meetings within our local kink scene and our
scene is very open and welcoming of the sober among us.

Here’s a good place for me to give a shout out to one of the local presences we have for sober folks, the contest produced by SF Bay Area Sober in Leather-SF.
That contest was recently held and let me offer my congratulations to
the winners. I hope the contest and its titleholders do some good in
fostering awareness and help for those who might need to address
substance abuse issues in their lives. The winners for 2015 are Mr. SF
Sober Leather Stephen, Ms. SF Sober Leather Leather Jackie, and SF Sober
Kinkster Robert Moore.

As a result of the LDG event on depression, local kinkster David
Hegarty launched his new initiative to take the kind of active steps to
combat depression that were discussed during the program.

Get Out and Love is
a project aimed at challenging people to get out and connect with
people face to face, to share real connection with other humans, and in
doing so help relieve the ever increasing effect of depression and
isolation in our community. Isolation is a frequent symptom and cause of
depression. This project offers a way to reach out and touch someone in
your life.

Here are some other resources that can be useful to local kinksters
who might be dealing with depression or have friends suffering from it.

Bay Area Open Minds offers
psychotherapy services to people who serve these Bay Area populations
and issues: BDSM/kink, polyamory, trans concerns, gender identity,
same-sex relationships, sex work, and more.

Kink Aware Professionals
is a referral service managed by the National Coalition for Sexual
Freedom. It’s a great resource for kink-aware psychotherapists, doctors
and attorneys.