In brief ….

Dad looks at his other son and said What about you? Other son replies, Me too, Dad.

Dad said F##k me, doesn’t anyone in this f##king family like pussy?

Daughter pipes up, “I do…”!…

—————–

10 Afghans were killed in a road accident.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says, “If any of you are paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”

As nine of them start to walk away, St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”

——————–

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.

Answer; throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and growled:

”Hey, I dont find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said ”Sorry, friend. Did he drown?”

“Nah,” he replied, “He choked on a sock.”

———————

The missus said to me last night “Love, if you turn the bedside lamp off I’ll take it up the ass.”

Guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first…

———————-

The missus came out of the bathroom and said, “’I’ve just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don’t you?”

I said ”Yeah, the f##kin’ plug hole is blocked again.”

———————–

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelt like a woman. Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman, but when we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one easy movement.

That’s when I thought: Hey, wait a f###ing minute…..…

————————

I saw my mate Charlie this morning; he’s only got one arm, bless him.

I shouted: ”Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”

Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. …then I said, “That’s gonna be a bit awkward, innit bro’?”

“Not really, he said, I still have the receipt, dickhead !”

————————–

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Yikes! Bacon-scented shaving cream!: “A bacon-scented shaving cream has hit the market, so men can carry the smell of fried pork with them wherever they go. Its makers, J&D’s Foods, claim it will make users ‘smell and feel like a champion’. However one customer who tested the lotion at Earl’s Cuts in Seattle, Washington, sounded a little unsure about the meaty aroma, telling The Seattle Insider ‘I feel like I’m in a skillet’. The new product, which launched yesterday, is described as ‘high end’ and ‘luxurious’ and the U.S. brand adds that men should use it after a hot shower or before an ‘important date’. Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow, the men behind J&D’s Food, have only created 2,500 jars of their $14.95. Bacon Shaving Cream. Mr Lefkow said: ‘This is something that every bacon loving male needs. You’re going to smell good, you’re feel good and you’re probably going to taste good.’

Facebook can’t tell the difference between an elbow and a breast: “What’s the difference between an elbow and a breast? For Facebook, not much. The social network recently removed a misleading photo of a woman in a bathtub because it mistook her elbow for a bare breast, according to “Theories of the deep understanding of things”. The Facebook page posted the photo as a way to test Facebook’s terms of service, which prohibits the posting of “pornographic” content. “FB moderators can’t tell an elbow from a dangerous, filthy, uncanny and violent female breast,” the page said. “No questions were asked and the post is down.” After realising its blunder, Facebook later restored the photo. In a statement, the company told gossip blog Gawker, “We made a mistake and sent an apology to the original poster.”

Bosses more likely to hire someone they fancy, study finds: “Employers are more likely to hire people they fancy, researchers claim, as they find “leisure pursuits, background and self-presentation” are more important than skills. Women in the workplace have fought a long battle to prove their skills, experience and CV are the only keys to their success. But their efforts may have been in vain, as a study find good looks, a winning smile and a little gentle flirtation may be the key to securing a job after all. Bosses would rather hire someone they find attractive and enjoy spending time with than the perfectly-qualified candidate, it has been claimed. A study, conducted by American sociologists, has found interviewers at banking, law and management consultancy firms consistently prefer applicants they “feel good around”. More than half of employers claim attractiveness, the right social background and how candidates spend their leisure time are the most important considerations when hiring”

Rise of the moustache implant: “For many men, the constant struggle to tame their facial hair with a razor is something of a nuisance. But an increasing number of men in Middle Eastern countries are seeking innovative ways of achieving a hairier upper lip, with a boom in moustache implants. The innovative treatment is proving popular with men from in the Arab world, where moustaches are seen to convey wisdom and maturity. One plastic surgeon based in Turkey said that patients are flocking from Middle Eastern countries to receive the treatment. Selahattin Tulunay said that he performs the procedure, known as follicular unit extraction, between 50 to 60 times every month. The intricate procedure involves the surgeon taking a clump of hairs from areas of more dense growth, before they are implanted in the moustache area.

The French abandon wine: “There are many foods that you might think of as quintessentially French: baguettes, snails, a slice or two of fromage, garlic, onions and of course frogs’ legs. But when it comes to choosing drinks that sum up the Gallic experience, there is only one contender: a large glass of vino. But in reality, the French are falling out of love with their most famous tipple, official figures show. Fewer than one in five French adults – 17 per cent – now drink a glass of wine every day, the statistics from France’s ministry of agriculture reveal. Caroline Plot, the official who oversaw the research, said the trend owed much to increasing awareness of the perceived health dangers associated with regular consumption of alcohol – particularly liver disease – along with the nation’s economic troubles. ‘There has also been a real shift in consumption habits: fizzy drinks and fruit juices are taking the place of wine on the French table,’ she added. In 1980, wine would be served at, on average, one meal in two. By 2010 that had fallen to one in four.”