Magic Jokes

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

What's the most powerful card in Magic The Gathering?

Credit Card.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

Guy finds a magic lamp

He rubs it and out comes a genie granting him 3 wishes!1st wish: I want a stable job2nd wish: I want to be driving a costly vehicle 3rd wish: I want to be surrounded by ladies

Genie makes him a bus driver

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is like the show Magic Schoolbus

I take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.

Also, it's completely fictional.

An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man find a magic slide!

They have to slide down the slide and scream what they wish for, and it will come true. So the English man slides down and screams money, so he is rewarded with a massive pile of money. The Scottish man slides down and yells a massive house, so he is rewarded with a massive house! The Irishman slide...

George W. Bush found a magic lamp.

“What do you want from me, mr. Bush?” asks the genie.

“I regret a lot of stuff. I just want people to see me as wise, rightful man.”

And that was the moment when Trump won the election.

Me: "Oh, Magic 8 ball, can I do anything right?"

Other people in the pool hall: "Can you give that back?"

I’m like Dr. Strange without the PHD and magic cape.

Strange...

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The Magic Swimmingpool

This was a popular joke when I was in elementary school, so I thought I’d share.

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are on a diving board at a magic swimming pool. They have been told that the water will change into anything they scream while jumping into the pool.

The Dutchman goes fi...

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Magic Penis vs Police Officer

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, exc...

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

What do you call someone who manages the money of an organization that practices black magic?

An occultant

Allow me to show you a sh*tty magic trick.

Poo-f!

I just took my pilots Ed test high on magic mushrooms.

I passed with flying colors.

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

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The Magic Fish

A man is fishing on a lake when he catches a fish.

The fish says to the fisherman, "I'm a magic fish! I since you caught me I have to grant a wish ...But only on one condition."

The fisherman asks what the condition is.

"In order to grant your wishes I need to swim up int...

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A Polish patriot finds a magic lamp...

As he begins to wipe it off, a genie appears. The genie thanks him for setting him free, and grants him three wishes.

The patriot thinks carefully, and then says: "I want the Mongol hoards to sack Warsaw, and then march home!"

The genie doesn't understand, but a promise is a promise...

Magic bunny!

A young texan cowboy is riding along his property when he spots an injured rabbit struggling to free itself from some wire mesh it's stuck in. He's about to put the furball out of its misery when the rabbit says:

"Wait!! I'm a magic bunny! If you free me and let me go, I'll grant you one wish...

I asked the blonde nurse why she had a red magic marker.

She said it’s easier to draw blood with it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender with magic apples...

Guy 1 walks into a bar and orders a bourbon/coke. Bartender places an apple in front of him.

Guy 1: "what's this about? I ordered a bourbon/coke"Bartender: "They're magic apples that taste of anything you want"

He takes a bite of the apple.

Guy 1: "It tastes like bourbon"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.

A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.

'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.

"This is magic ...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

A man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub.

Suddenly a genie flies out and informs the man that he can have 3 wishes. However, whatever the man wishes for, his wife gets double. "I wish I had a car." Says the man."Okay" says the genie "but your wife gets 2""I wish I had a house." Says the man."Okay" says the genie "but your wi...

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Three guys stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it. A genie comes out and grants them each three wishes.For their first wish, Guy 1 wishes for a hot wife. Guy 2, looking to one-up Guy 1, wishes to be irresistible to all women.Guy 3 wishes for his left arm to constantly rotate clockwise.

For their second wish, Guy 1 wishes ...

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit and a bear stumble upon a magic lamp.(some of you may have heard it)

They rub it and a genie appears. The genie promises each of them three wishes each but they'd have to take turns making the wishes.It's the bear first, so he goes "I wish all the bears in this jungle were female with the exception of me."The wish was granted.The rabbit's turn. He goes" I...

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball

You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died

My magic camera lens keeps flying away and perching on things.

It was aperture.

What do you call a magician who doesn’t do magic?

Ian

The magician placed my sister in a magic box, and then “sawed” her into two.

Now I have two half-sisters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out. The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up. I'll tell you what. I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."

"Fair enough" says the KKK member. "I wish f...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?

She's a first edition Black Flotus

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

Hey girl are you a magic the gathering card?

Cause I'd tap you

I've never really gotten into black magic...

But I have abracadabbled.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bear, the Rabbit, and the Magic lamp

A bear was casing a rabbit though the woods to eat. During the case the two stumble over a magic lamp.

A Genie appeared to the both of them as said. "I will grant you each three wishes."

The bear went first, "I wish every other bear in the woods was female!" The genie waved his hand an...

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A woman wanted to spice up her sex life

So she went down to the local sex store, and asked the the clerk "Do you have any dildos?".

"Why, of course" replied the guy behind the counter. She was shown around the store, and finally she was shown the magic dildo. "If you say, 'magic dildo' and the hole you want fucked, it will fuck it"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married woman had a good sex life

But she wanted to spice it up. So she visits a sex shop and asks for nice dildo. The salesman shows her different varieties but she isn't impressed. Noticing it, the salesman shows her something rare. He says "This is a magic dildo. Where ever you want it to penetrate, say the magic dildo followed b...

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At the magic Ice cream parlor [nsfw]

This ice cream parlor was famous for creating the exact taste you asked for so a critic went to check it out.

First try, he asks for the taste of the first harvest of grapes of the season. The man behind the counter dissapears for a few minutes and comes back with a cone. And lo and behold, ...

A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says “You are my new master and I’m a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!”

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

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Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he ...

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?Bartender: oh he's magicM: what?B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants itM: no wayB: try it!

The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a wh...

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What do you call a Judaic dojo that is into black magic?

A Jew Juju jiu jitsu parlor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Magic Beer"

A guy guy goes in to a bar. One other guy sits at the bar and the bartender. The guy downs his beer and says how delicious it was. "Whatcha drinking?""I'm glad you asked me!" he winks at the bartender, who rolls his eyes. "It's Magic Beer" "Bullshit..."The guy at the bar stands u...

A magician was driving home

And then he turned into his driveway.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you want to see magic trick?

Go up to your wife and call her a fucking cunt and she instantly becomes one.

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The magic bullfrog

So there's this guy. He's pretty depressed because he has a 25 inch penis. He was fairly good looking and friendly, but everytime he got in a relationship, girls would end up running away in fear when they saw how giant it was.

After awhile he decided to go to the doctor, hoping there was so...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner.

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand and then the cards disappeared.

The magician’s parrot then went into the crowd, went up their sleeves, and told the audience that the cards were up his sle...

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A bear and a hare found a magic lamp.

And the genie that comes out of it says that they both get 3 wishes each.

The bear goes first and say: I wish to be the sexiest male bear in the universe.

The genie snaps his finger and simply replies: Your wish has been granted.

The hare asks for a Harley Davidson motorcycle....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

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A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.

"Tell me your wish." The genie booms.

The man, who was a frequent viewer of r/Jokes knew that this genie would not be as it seems. It had to have some sort of drawback. He decides to test the genie's abilities.

"Is there going to be a cat...

Three guys, who are totally lost in a desert, find a magic lamp.

And obviously, a genie comes out of it. He tells the guys that they have one wish each.

The first guy says: I'm hungry and thirsty... but I'd really wish you could send me back home. I really miss my wife's cooking.

The genie snaps his fingers, and the first guy disapear. He looks at t...

Don't touch magic pigs...

...you might get Hogwarts.

That’s magic...

I saw Magic Johnson yesterday, so I shook his hand and said, "How do you do, Magic?"He replied, "No idea , basketball's more my thing."

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There was a magic lake

and three people went there: German, Russian and English.The fluid in the lake turned in anything you wanted when you jumped in it.German man was the first to try it out. When he was running, he shouted "Bier!", jumped in the lake and boom, the whole lake turned into beer.Next up was Rus...

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A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed

*Man pulls out ten of hearts

Man : And is this your card?

Woman : Holy shit

I found a magic lamp... [LONG]

And when I rub it, a genie comes out.

He tells me that he has been used to already grant out two wishes and that there is one wish left.

The genie asks me what is the one thing I want most, and I think to myself that I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but have a deathly fear of flyi...

There is a magic mirror that will make anyone who lies disappear.

First, an old lady stands before it and tells herself, "I think I look young." And *POOF* she vanishes.Next, an ugly woman looks at her reflection and says, "I think I am beautiful." And *POOF* she also disappears.Then, a blonde woman takes her turn with the mirror. "I think..." and *POOF* s...

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A magic frog is hopping through a forest.

The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. "As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blu...

Did you hear about the fire at the magic shop?

meh, it was all smoke and mirrors.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magic beer

A man walks into a rooftop bar and sits next to another guy.

"What are you drinking", the man asks

"Magic beer", the stranger replies.

"What do you mean?“

So the stranger shows him. He downs his beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building and lands back on his ...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

Did you hear about the guy who had his knee replaced with a Magic 8-Ball?

He had a prophetic prosthetic.

The Little Magic Frog [Long]

One day I'm out golfing and find myself stuck in a sand trap, when I hear a high pitch voice telling me to use my 5 iron. I look around and I don't see anyone nearby. I use my 5 iron and get an eagle! I then spot a little frog that tells me it is a magic frog and everything it says is the best thing...

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

The girl I'm dating just said those three magic words.

"I am infertile."

I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, "This is where the magic happens, babe."

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now!"

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..."

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.