Winners and Losers from 2018

WINNERS:

The evil, necropolitical core of the American soul: Between locking up immigrant children in cages until they literally keel over dead; retaining close ties with Saudi Arabia, even as they murder journalists and kill thousands in Yemen, all for the sake of oil and weapons deals; and being more willing to deploy troops to the border in order to try and win an election than to deploy them to help American citizens in Puerto Rico recover from a devastating hurricane, it’s really been a banner year for the country’s deep-seated lust for lubricating the gears of empire with the blood of the downtrodden

Spike Lee: Triumphantly returned to form with BlackKkKlansman, 2018’s best movie, which tells a satisfying, cathartic tale of kicking the butts of dumb racists and absolutely doesn’t subsequently crush your spirits with any sort of gut-wrenching reality check or deeper, more depressing message

Brett Kavanaugh: The new Supreme Court justice provided 2018’s most inspiring story, showing that, no matter how gross or criminal or ethically compromised or incompetent you are, you can still get any job you want if you just have the right person refer you

The Democratic Party: Now control one half of one of the three branches of government, which means everything will be good in 2019

Dr. #Content: Look, a lot of awful, depressing stuff happened in 2018, but it’s also the year in which I wrote an epic poem, which is pretty neato

LOSERS:

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Would have undeniably been the year’s breakout star, but then Patrick Mahomes threw a bunch of touchdowns

So take heart, I guess, that there’s no way your 2019 will as embarrassing as that

Kanye West: Who would have thought that an incredibly self-absorbed man of considerable influence within his sphere would begin to think that his skill and influence in his field of choice qualified him to speak with authority on everything else