How to tell if you’re being a bad boyfriend

There are obvious signs you’re a bad partner, but there are also way more insidious things that you may not be spotting. The Guyliner spoke to people freed from bad boyfriends to ask: how can you recognise when you’re being a real ball and chain?

There are obvious no-nos when it comes to being a textbook bad boyfriend – violence, infidelity, general nastiness – but what about the things you consider everyday behaviour or nothing but a blip? Nobody wants to be spoken of in hushed tones as the “evil ex” – which could be where you’re heading. I spoke to men and women with one thing in common – they all, at some time or another, had a boyfriend – to find out what makes a bad one and how to turn it around.

Sex

The big one. Pestering for it, withholding it, arguing over it – your attitude to sex can put you on the boyfriend blacklist. Sex is only truly fulfilling if neither of you are doing it out of obligation. One thing that came up again and again was the idea of sex as a transaction. Some men treat sex as a reward for doing a nice thing, such as paying for dinner, or taking their partner away. Nope. Your motive for kindness or romance should be making your partner happy – and that should be kick enough for you. Sex shouldn’t be something you “get", like a prize or a parking ticket – it should feel natural.

Sulking

Believe it or not, not one person I spoke to said sulking was a) sexy or b) an adequate resolution to an argument. Yes, yes, men are proud beasts who struggle to talk about their feelings and forgiving is a weakness. Basic. Look, share-o-phobes, taking out your frustrations on them without having a mature conversation about what’s gone wrong, or settling into a five-day funk, won’t help anyone; it’s much healthier to say, “Look, we need to talk about this,” or have an agreed cooling-off period. It’s also poor form to use this aftermath to play your music really loud or slam doors theatrically. You’re not 12.

You’re a letdown

Call when you say you’ll call! Don’t leave them on read for days! Don’t be late! Avoid cancelling unless there’s a significant loss of life. It’s so easy to get these things right and not cause an avalanche of anxiety. If they’re too keen on messaging, establish a pattern quickly: endeavour to text back the same day, but if you can’t go into detail, a quick emoji and an explanation you can’t chat will do wonders. Ghosting makes people’s heads explode. Don’t do it! Mixing up neglect for aloofness is an expressway to Dumpsville and this car does not have seat belts or a handbrake.

Attention

We love a bit of attention, don’t we – think how much more often you look at your own photos on Instagram than you do other people’s – and healthy couples make time for one another. It’s the little things. A quick cup of tea goes a long way, as does a text to say good morning, a quick message to see they got home OK (using language that’s light and not possessive, mind you) and even a little PDA, although nobody wants to see you tonguing each other in broad daylight – believe me, I have spent my entire life in checkout queues behind these sexhibitionists. You may not like handholding generally, but reach a compromise and give them some physical contact every now and again. “The only time he touched me was during sex,” said one woman. “The rest of the time I felt he didn’t care.” Attention should be digital too: like their pics and their posts; watch their stories. If you find their social media presence a drag to keep up with, this could be a sign they’re not right for you, so it’s a good barometer of your own feelings too.

Jealousy

Insane jealousy might be sexy in Hollywood movies, but in real life it’s exhausting. If you don’t like their friends, fine, but don’t trash the people they love just because they spend time with them and don’t go into battle with their male friends unless you really have to – you’ll look like an unreasonable, petty jerk. If you’ve always dreamed of being branded a gaslighter, however, carry on and prepare to be filed in your partner’s dictionary of exes under B, for Bastard.

Listen and talk

Let’s be honest, we can all be irritating at times, but you must take the rough with the smooth. “I never felt heard,” one guy said to me. “He acted like I was interrupting his peace and quiet.” General chit-chat, however inane, can help couples bond and though someone talking through their daily minutiae isn’t always a thrilling prospect, a dialogue between you can encourage you be more open generally. If they feel they can talk to you about anything, they will. Don’t be afraid: I’m sure they’ll say nice things too.

Negativity

There’s room for grumpiness – it can be quite endearing (at least I hope so for my sake) – but ceaseless buzzkilling can grind a partner down. “He hated everything I liked and, boy, did he like to let me know,” said one woman who eventually kicked her boyfriend into touch. “In the end I asked why he was with me and… well, he wasn’t sure. And neither was I.” Don’t feel you can’t express yourself, of course, but if you can’t reach a balance, are you right for each other? Assess now before the Bad Boyfriend certificate lands in your inbox.

Comparing

“He was obsessed by being nothing like my ex,” one woman told me. “In the end, he was bad in a different way because he couldn’t be himself with me and it built into huge resentment.” All that matters about your partner’s ex is you help them move on. You’re bound to share some traits – you have a partner in common, after all – but don’t suppress who you really are to match up to, or contrast with, some mythical figure who, in the end, lost out.

Self-awareness

Being a boyfriend, husband or significant other is like a full-time job, even if you’re not together 24/7. But unlike jobs, which have HR, rules and, most importantly, a salary, you don’t get an appraisal. Could it be a good idea, maybe, to get an annual update on how you’re both doing? Look for room for improvement, set a few targets. Hmm, yes, not very sexy, but a spot of self-reflection won’t hurt. It doesn’t have to be official or clinical, just a quick check over how you feel and what you want to happen next.

The toilet seat

Look, just take note of their preference – up or down – before your first pee at their place and then be the gentleman when they come back to yours. People get divorced over this stuff – who has the time?!