NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today wasted no time in enforcing the league’s new fan conduct policy by issuing a four-game suspension to the entire fanbase of the St. Louis Rams.

According to the terms of the suspension, fans of the franchise may not attend any of the Rams’ games during the months of September, be it the two home contests against the New York Giants and the Buffalo Bills or the road games at Seattle and Philadelphia. In addition, Rams fans are prohibited from watching any live telecast of the games, though they are free to liberally patronize league sponsors.

“League officials and myself have concluded that Rams fans have, in multiple instances, been in violation of the league’s personal fan conduct policy,” Goodell said from NFL headquarters in Manhattan. “Rather than a more lenient penalty which might promote a perception of permissiveness among the league’s fanbases, I have decided to levy a particularly harsh ruling in this case in the hopes that it will send a message to the rest of the league.”

He added, “I CAN IMPOSE MY WILL AS FAR AS MY ARMY CAN REACH! AND MY ARMY CAN REACH ANYWHERE! YOU HEAR? ANYWHERE! YOU WILL OBEY OR BE CRUSHED UNDERFOOT!”

Goodell said a few recent incidents had forced his hand on the matter. During a Week 13 game last season in the Edward Jones Dome between the Rams and the Atlanta Falcons, officials observed home fans standing in their seats during moments other than during the performance of the National Anthem, buying alcoholic products that sponsor the league and actually consuming them, and creating a sign taunting the Falcons that featured a cartoon devil.

Worst of all, Goodell said officials noticed numerous fans who violated the new policy by “detracting from the gameday experience,” a term so vague as to be useless except for when the NFL head office needs to punish someone arbitrarily, a quality Goodell particularly enjoys about it.

“That’s just the sort of unacceptable behavior that we’re trying to stamp out,” he said. “You there, reporter, what sound are you making?” he continued. “Breathing? I’m not familiar. Anyway, I find it distasteful. Please stop.”

NFL Fan Union president Catman pronounced the move a dramatic overreach. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he said by phone from his home in Greensboro, NC. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT!”

The reaction among Rams fans was a subdued one. “That’s too bad,” said Wayne Holbert, 43, of Kirkwood, MO. “Cardinals season’ll still be going on then, right? Ah, okay. Well then fuck the Rams.”

Anyway, I went to SI.com for some reason, and the first thing you see is a photoshopped image of Brett Favre and Ted Thompson “staring each other down”, yet their noses are mere miimeters apart, which suggests that they’re more likely to start kissing. And off to the side of course is a tiny picture of Peter King, no doubt seething that some other old white guy is about to score some tonsil time with Farvaro.

Also, for bringing up the Favre saga I will punish myself by pouring acid into my eyes.

08.06.08 at 12:00 am

Ian

Tommy from Quinzee’s gonna be banned for life in a matter of hours.

08.06.08 at 12:24 am

Tdub

There is now (as if there ever had been) zero reason to ever go watch a game in the Metrodome anymore.

08.06.08 at 2:12 am

Grimey

Ape cannot escape the AP style

08.06.08 at 2:17 am

Leigh

He added, “I CAN IMPOSE MY WILL AS FAR AS MY ARMY CAN REACH! AND MY ARMY CAN REACH ANYWHERE! YOU HEAR? ANYWHERE! YOU WILL OBEY OR BE CRUSHED UNDERFOOT!”

I like Commissioner Goodell more now.

08.06.08 at 2:50 am

godshamgod

I concur with Catman. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

08.06.08 at 6:31 am

Tyler Durden

Hypothetical question:

Your favorite NFL team will win three of the next five Super Bowls. However, after the third one, you will be “fined” 500 large and forfeit a # 1 pick.

Will you take that deal?

08.06.08 at 7:03 am

warthog

@Tyler

throw in some of the league’s softest schedules and it’s a deal

08.06.08 at 7:03 am

Skye

I can’t wait to see Goodell’s fan dress code policy!

08.06.08 at 7:28 am

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

Jesus, I’d hate to see what he’s going to do after the Jets home opener.

08.06.08 at 8:19 am

Monkey Business

@Tyler
Hypothetical question:

Your favorite NFL team will win three of the next six Super Bowls. It will follow this remarkable achievement up by losing in the second round of the playoffs and then offering up two of the biggest choke jobs in NFL history, losing to your arch nemesis after leading 21-3 at halftime and not losing until the last 60 seconds of the game and then having to watch your clutch QB throw a back-breaking interception that sends them to the Super Bowl, and the next year going undefeated in the regular season and losing the Super Bowl to his mildly retarded baby brother. Oh yeah, and you lose a first round pick and get fined $500,000, and become the most hated franchise in the NFL.

You forgot some essential details. I’m not sure anyone would take that deal.

08.06.08 at 8:30 am

2Port

Catman has no fear, Catman feels no pain.

08.06.08 at 8:33 am

Shinons

And don’t forget having the 1918 chant replaced with 18-1. That would probably suck too.

08.06.08 at 8:38 am

Otto Man

I’m not sure anyone would take that deal.

My team hasn’t won it all since January 1970. Where do I sign?

08.06.08 at 8:39 am

Animal Mother

And don’t forget having your starting QB come out of the closet in a way that makes Elton John seem shy.

Oh wait, that hasn’t happened…………………..yet.

08.06.08 at 8:43 am

Rocco

@Tyler: Hell yes. Not sure if that would make up for losing 4 straight, but I’ll take it any day.
@Monkey Business: You lost me there, so yes, I’m still taking that deal.
@warthog: Can’t really blame them for having to play Buffalo, NYJ, and Miami twice each every year. It’s like starting 6-0.

08.06.08 at 8:47 am

Rocco

* twice each every year? WTF Rocco.

08.06.08 at 8:59 am

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

@ Monkey Business

Fuck yeah, I’m taking that deal, especially if you throw in two World Series for the Phils and an NBA title for the Sixers

08.06.08 at 9:05 am

Rocco

@Westbrook: Double fuck yeah, I’m not really a Philly fan but I’d love to see Philly get 6 titles in, what, 6 years? Though I’d be afraid of the aftermath.

08.06.08 at 10:31 am

R.L.

I didn’t know all St. Louis Rams’ fans were black guys with misdemeanors. Did they start doing the wave and get suspended for throwing up gang signs?

08.06.08 at 11:13 am

Jay

I, for one, welcome our new insane overlord.

08.06.08 at 11:37 am

jackin'4beats

Chairman Rog Zedong has spoken and you all shall obey.

08.06.08 at 11:56 am

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

@ Rocko

By title #6, the Sixers would have been playing their home games in Baltimore due to the aftermath from title riot #5

08.06.08 at 12:17 pm

jackin'4beats

The Cowboys already have 5 trophies, but I think there’s room on the mantle for 3 more. Sign us up.

And while you’re at it, can you make Jessica Simpson disappear? Great! Nice doing business with ya.

08.06.08 at 12:43 pm

Monkey Business

Okay, fine. I stand corrected.

Although, I’m not sure it’s fair to count anyone from Arizona, Detroit, or Philly, as they continue to enjoy historic levels of sucking.

@ Westbrook
Fuck the Phils.
/Mets homerism

@Rocco
Be careful what you wish for. There’s a part of Revelations that states “And ye verily it shall come to pass, the city of Brothers shall win a major sports title, and there shall be much irrational exuberance, and it shall be the portend of the End Times.”

08.06.08 at 1:15 pm

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

@ Monkey Business #1

Fuck Detroit, they have the Pistons and Red Wings

@ Monkey Business #2

Back at your Mets

08.06.08 at 3:35 pm

Animal Mother

If the fine people in Indianapolis and New York signed up for that deal it would only mean four more years of Eli and Pey-Pey winning the Super Bowl and doing those God awful commercials before the Earth jumped off it’s axis and splashed into the sun.