Breaking news from KSK headquarters; Carolina Panthers owner, and human representation of a saltine Jerry Richardson has apparently joined the popular dating app Tinder. We received these texts from an anonymous tipster. It appears Richardson is looking to have an affair with a woman in her early 20s, one of who absolutely must not have any tattoos. We’ll let you, the reader, judge for yourself.

“hey sexy, is ur mom still alive?”

“um…wat…ya, she’s only 53″

“for rlz? sweet. when dies i’ll b at her funeral lol jk”

“um..dafuq u mean”

“i said i’ll go to ur moms funeral but i won’t really lol”

“well u don’t even know her so…”

“lol i played this wicked prank on one of my workers. his mom died rite. i sed i;d hit his funeral n i nvr showed. dude was super pissed”

“ur an asshole go fuck urself”

“that’s wat steve smith sed”

“hey mamacita u have n e tattoos?”
“ya i have one on my lower abdomen and two on my arms”
“I’m sorry, I can no longer continue this conversation.”
“um wat dude?”
“The Jerry Richardson penis is a sex organ that represents itself with class and dignity. It simply would not be wise for to pursue this conversation further.”
“umm…did ur lawyer start writing for u?”
“No, I’m deadly serious tattoos are an abomination unto God. I want to cheat on my wife with a 20-year-old, and you’re turning it into something foul and nasty.”
“watever. nice knowin u old creepy ass white dude”

Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson sent Cade a handwritten letter that stated, “Cade, we would be honored if our Carolina Panthers became your team. We would make you proud by the classy way we represent you.”

Ugh, Jerry Fucking Richardson, man. No word on if he asked the kid if he had any tattoos. Not wanting to be outdone, several other franchises have also responded to the letter:

Dear Cade,
We’d love to have you support our franchise, but first there’s an important question we need to ask: are you okay with be called a front-running bandwagoner even though your team hasn’t actually won anything in 20 years? Oh, and are you cool with an owner who is basically a real-life version of Hedonism Bot from Futurama. If so, I think this will be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Sincerely,
Jerry Jones

Dear Cade,
I’ll buy you pills. And beer. And you can drive. Don’t worry, you won’t get caught. Also, during the offseason, our quarterback can used as a golem.

Sincerely,
Jim Irsay

Dear Cade,
You’re about to go through puberty, so rooting for our team could be a nice learning experience for you. Imagine getting to first base over and over again, then always getting viciously slapped for even thinking about second. We’re the sports version of that.

Sincerely,
Mike Brown

Dear Cade,
We’d love it if you supported our crappy team. Here’s a bottle of absinthe to get you through the harsh autumns. Also, can I hide some money in your bed?

Sincerely,
Jimmy Haslam

Dear Cade,
When you learned about Andrew Jackson in history class, did you think “wow, this guy’s my hero?” If so, we’re the team for you!

Sincerely,
Dan Snyder

Dear Cade,
We’d love to have you on board. Our team is more likely than anyone else to be a juggernaut for the next decade. If you can look past a 9/11 truther coach and prominent association with Macklemore, this could be the start of something great. No? Okay, sorry I asked.

Sincerely,
Paul Allen

Dear Cade,
We have like two more years of being good, and if you root for us, everyone will automatically assume you’re an asshole. But we might win the Super Bowl this year, so knock yourself out.

Sincerely,
Robert Kraft

Dear Cade,
No, don’t. Run. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN AS FAR AS AWAY AS YOU CAN!

According to one of the fan testimonials in Big Daddy Drew’s This Is Why Your Team Sucks Series, Panthers owner, and darkest timeline Ted Kennedy, Jerry Richardson apparently spends his downtime responding to complaints by his team’s PSL-purchasing fan base personally.

Jonathan: A friend bought PSLs a few years ago before we drafted Cam Newton, and in his frustration at the high price of watching a shit team, emailed the Panthers front office to vent. Somehow, someway Ol’ Jerry found about the email and called him. Did he call to save “have hope” or “things will get better”? No. He called to tell my friend to stop complaining and be grateful that Charlotte has an NFL team. He then preceded to degrade him for about 2 minutes and threaten to take his PSLs WITHOUT a refund, then abruptly hung up on my friend. I wish I was making this up.

Although technically hearsay, it’s fun to imagine Ol’ J Richie Rich tossing papers off his ivory desk and screaming “Get me my rolodex!” at his beehive hairdo-ed assistant and rotating the dial on his speaking telegraph to shout about how lucky fans are to even HAVE a team in their city, like an abusive husband keeping his poor wife down.

It’s even more fun to imagine him as the guy from Lost Highway, making our collective testicles shrink inside us with shivering fear.

Panthers owner Jerry Richardson was one of the principal villains of the 2011 NFL lockout, melodramatic in his ridiculous demands for the owners to “take back our league” and either patronizing or insulting to those he was supposed to be negotiating with. While most of the other owners were content to sit back and let Roger Goodell issue ominous statements, Richardson was openly hostile with the players union, at one point questioning whether player reps like Peyton Manning or Drew Brees could read or knew anything about player safety.

Patronizing comments are ultimately excusable if the core of what Richardson had claimed was true, that the collective-bargaining agreement with the players had been making it impossible for teams to turn a profit. Most observers knew that to be bullsh*t, but no one could ever say for sure because NFL owners refused to turn over their books for public review.

At the time, Richardson claimed team owners were operating at a loss. Yet, thanks to leaked documents obtained by Deadspin, that statement seems even more suspicious now that we know that during the two years leading up to and following the lockout, the small-market Panthers turned a considerable profit.

The statement is for the years ending March 31, 2011, and March 31, 2012. Over the first period, as Richardson argued that the NFL’s business model was hopelessly broken and steered the owners toward a showdown to extract more money from the players, the Panthers recorded an operating profit of $78.7 million. The team had gone 2-14 on the field, but Richardson and his partners were able to pay themselves $12 million.

Over the following year, after the owners had won their lockout and reduced the players’ share of league revenue from 50 percent to 47 percent, the Panthers brought in $33.3 million in operating profit. Richardson began lobbying for public subsidies to renovate his 17-year-old stadium. The team went 6-10.

If it seems curious why the profits dipped after the lockout resolution that gave the owners a larger share of league-wide revenue, it’s because the Panthers finally started paying more for on-field talent. That, however, didn’t stop the team from demanding public funds to cover renovations of its stadium.

The Panthers issued a statement in response claiming the documents that Deadspin obtained only represent a snapshot of the franchise’s overall finances, but the public will never get a complete picture, if there even is one beyond what is seen here. So, until we see evidence to the contrary, Jerry Richardson is an old, lying sack of sh*t.

ESPN’s reporting bot, Adam Schefter, uncorked an exclusive nugget early on Sunday: that the Panthers have been the target of Los Angeles overtures to court an NFL franchise to the City of Angels. Schefter cites an unnamed source for the scoop, but he might as well have called him J. Richardson. No, wait, that’s obvious. How about Jerry R.?

High-powered California political officials have been courting Carolina owner Jerry Richardson in the hopes of bringing the Panthers to Los Angeles with no luck to date, said one source familiar with the discussions.

That’s vague enough attribution to protect an owner who wants to say something without having the rest of the world know that he’s saying it. Much better than “said one source familiar with insulting star quarterbacks during the lockout.”

Richardson has been polite and steadfast that he is committed to Charlotte and is not moving the Panthers.

Not just polite and steadfast, but downright altruistic. Will “saintly” pass the copy desk unedited?

The only scenario in which he would listen would be if Charlotte balked at helping him with some of the stadium renovations the Panthers have been seeking.

Aaaaaannnndddd there it is. The entire reason why this article was written. Jerry Richardson wants money for renovations for Bank of America Stadium, but he doesn’t want to be the one to announce that he’s threatening to move if he doesn’t get what he wants. Instead, he anonymously plants the idea in the news and has a reporter couch the dynamic as Richardson being forced to accept L.A.’s overwhelming generosity because Charlotte wouldn’t match it. All he made to do was promise Schefter an exclusive.