I’m not that great at making resolutions. I mean, we’re halfway through the month and I haven’t even really thought about it, But 2015 is gonna be a big year for me, I can feel it. Or at least it better be a big year cause I don’t have a lot going on right now and if it’s still like that for the entire year…….I don’t know I guess I’ll just have to reevaluate everything about who I am.

But we’re not quite there yet so LET’S DO THIS THING.

So first of all, I want to break down all my goals by month. You know, take each little piece as it comes, don’t freak out about it. Life is a pizza you just gotta shove each slice down one at a time as you slowly reach death. RIght? That’s a metaphor. I went to college.

I just want to have one thing each month that I have to accomplish, and I will prioritize those above everything else in my life. School, work, friends, family, everything. That will be easy since right now I’m about 0/4 on those. No, I have friends. Their names are Spencer, Aria, Hanna, and Emily and their television show SUCKS.

I only want to do the first six months, because I was going to do the whole 12 here and it was just getting really long and boring and overwhelming because I’m going to be 22 soon and that’s a huge deal and it was frightening me to think ahead into almost being 23. I don’t even know what 30 under 30 lists I’ll be on by that point, you know?

And uhhhhh maybe if I don’t forget about this in the next 15 mins maybe I’ll make…..blog…posts……about……each………goal????? Maybe? I don’t know. I guess we’ll see. I mean, this has been going surprisingly well so far sooooo maybe I’ve finally hit my groove as far as blogging goes. Am I a real blogger? No, I’m not. We all know that. I don’t even have a functional design.

REGARDLESS, here are the things I want to accomplish in the first six months of 2k15. Again, gonna be a HUGE YEAR FOR ME.

JANUARY!!

Okay so it’s halfway done anyway, and I’m really tempted to make this goal something I’ve already done just so I have something to maybe post on this fucking website in two weeks but yknow what I’m gonna be ambitious and give myself a goal that I haven’t accomplished yet.

This January I would really like to go through all of my socks and pair them up and get rid of ones I don’t wear anymore. This may seem like a meaningless and inconsequential goal and that I probably should pick something exciting to write about but you guys don’t know me. I have SO MANY SOCKS. Way too many, in fact. My girlfriend reading this is definitely shaking her head and is all like “she’s never going to fucking do this” because that’s how Herculean of a task this really is. It is a monumental undertaking, but something I really gotta do.

FEBRUARY ❤

The month of love!!! Fifty Shades of Grey is coming out this month and part of me really wants to see it but another part of me just wants to wait for it to be on Netflix or whatever so I can just do what I did with the eBook which is skip to just all the sex scenes. So we’ll see.

I’m going to be alone on Valentine’s Day even though as previously mentioned I am in a relationship, but she lives across the country. Bummer bummer. So to ease my loneliness of the most romantic day of the year (have I mentioned what a loner I am and how much I really do truly enjoy it – one time I went an ENTIRE DAY and then I realized I had spoken to NO ONE and I felt so relieved just at the thought of it) I’d really like to cook something that I’ve never cooked before.

I’m pretty good at cooking, and I’m not saying that in a joke way like oh I’m pretty good. I’m actually, seriously quite good at it. And it makes me feel good and accomplished and all that stuff. So idk what I’ll make, but I just wanna, yknow, try new things! Open myself up to the wonders of the world I haven’t discovered yet!! Maybe I’ll try making a frittata or something? What even is that. So much to learn. What a big year.

*~* MARCH *~*

March is always so incredibly huge for me because it’s the month of my birth, but this March I’m actually going to Los Angeles for the first time!!!! I’m so so so excited mostly because I’m finally going to see the walk of fame and see the Britney star and also probably like get discovered and be put on a whirlwind trip to fame cause it’s LA and that’s where blonde people go to make money. That’s my understanding of Los Angeles. That and In-N-Out.

I feel like I need to have a showbiz oriented goal, and I really really really want to write a TV pilot, so maybe I should say that I’ll have it done by the end of March….? Ugh I’m so hesitant to set this goal because I really don’t want to fail it but like reach for the moon right? Maybe?

APRIL

As we get further and further into the year, it becomes less clear what these months of my life are going to look like. Which is scary and exciting in that way that we’ve all felt ever since we became conscious of the construct of time and the passing of it. Like who am I even going to be in April 2015? Will I have gotten a haircut by then? Hopefully, because I got my haircut in April of last year.

One thing I’ve really always wanted to do is make a sort of little physical construction of my blog. I’ve been blogging in some form or another since I was 14 years old and I want to make something that’s kind of a cross between a magazine and a diary and a blog. I want to make something and be able to hold it and touch it and show it to people. Like a physical LiveJournal that I draw and write and make myself.

Ugh why are these goals so cheesy and genuine I hate this I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin and slither back into my weird “everything is a joke” skin like some kind of shitty snake.

MAY

Ugh what else do I even want to do? Hahah is it sad that I can’t even think of anything else I want to accomplish? Like there are other things I want to do but it’s a little bit out of my control and I really don’t want to set myself up for too much failure you know?

Five months is a long time guys. You know what? I just want to go to Taco Bell this month. It’s been so long and I’m never going to do it unless I give myself a real deadline. So there it is.

look at that fake meat <3333

Though frankly I’m setting this goal at a time when I am starving to death and the only thing I can afford to eat is rice and pasta and I feel like I’m probably going to die.

JUNE

FINALLy here we are, halfway through the year. It’ll be warm and I won’t be tan, but at least I’ll probably be a bit less afraid to leave my apartment than I was last June.

Oh my gosh the one thing I’ve always really wanted to do is stretch every day and be more flexible! Yeah! That’s a goal!

That’s probably the most boring thing I could have ever wanted to do, but it’s so true. Every day I’m like “ugh if only I could just bend my body into more than 2 shapes (at the most). I feel like I would just feel so much better. Maddie from Dance Moms seems pretty happy about it.

THERE YOU GO so was the most boring thing you’ve ever read or the second most boring thing you’ve ever read? Hard to say, right? I’M SORRY but just indulge me for a hot second you guys I’ve had a lot of my mind, like my insane craving for popcorn that I can’t ever satisfy.

Guys I love taking walks. There’s just something about walking that is just so great. The only frustrating part about walking is that every time I try to get something to represent my hobby of walking, like if I wanted to get a charm that’s a pair of sneakers for my charm bracelet, people assume that I like running, and that cannot be further from the truth. I’m really self-conscious about the way I run, because a lot of people used to tell me that I look really weird when I run. Like, not the other students, but the teachers. They’d be like “Laura what are you doing stop messing around” and I had to be like no this is just what my body looks like!!!

But I love a good walk. Sometimes when I go out for a walk, I mean to just do a short casual walk, and I end up walking four miles. That’s how much I love walking. Even in the winter time, where I’m threatened with death because of my cold allergy, I still go out and do a bit of walking. It’s so nice to just look like you’re going somewhere, even when you’re not (metaphorically and physically).

So that brings me to one of the moments in which I almost caused the death of a man because it started out as any other lonely walk through Boston. I had taken many of them, and I think I will continue to because they’re just really nice (see above paragraphs)!

So I was walking. Did I set up the fact that I was walking enough? It was a pleasant walk! I was minding my own business, just taking a walk.

me, minus the family and the racial ambiguity.

There are a lot of bikers where I live. At the time, it was really nice outside and we weren’t living in the frozen ice tundra that grips the city of Boston 9 months out of the year, and it was great and everyone was having a grand time.

But where I was walking didn’t have a bike lane, so that means that sometimes bikers are on the sidewalk, which doesn’t bother me so much cause, like, I don’t want anyone to die. Not really. And especially not bikers. I feel like they’re usually pretty okay people. I have yet to meet a biker that I didn’t like, you know? I’m a fan of socially conscious and fit people.

So I was walking and a man on a bike comes up behind me and as a courtesy to me says, “on your left ma’am” and I immediately turn around and shriek in fear at his face.

I don’t know why this scared me so much. Perhaps I have some kind of subconscious fear of bikes that psychoanalysis has yet to uncover. Maybe I’m simply overly paranoid in public because society teaches women to be constantly watching for threats on our life. Maybe it was because he called me “ma’am.” EITHER WAY it was the wrong reaction to have and so this man was also very shocked.

He jumped in fear which cause him to fall off of his bike in this narrow sidewalk, and then tumbled into the street WHERE CARS TYPICALLY ARE. Thankfully, there weren’t any this time, but what if there were? Would I have jumped out to save this man I didn’t even know? Probably, I am very brave. I think about this like once every 3 months or so.

But instead he just got up, ignored me apologizing profusely and falling over myself feeling really bad for making him fall off of his bike and just pedaled away. Which I respect, because he doesn’t owe me anything.

The creepiest part is that I saw in the paper that this man did die only 2 days later in a freak accident at an Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Shop.

that halo is over more than just pretzels now

I’m kidding I have no idea what happened to this guy but that’d be really strange but kinda cool right?

I have a had a strange day you guys. Here are some of my thoughts for today.

I was out and about town, as a woman does, and I was sexually harassed on the street NOT TO BRAG or anything, and ever since I’ve been wondering how many layers do I need to wear to just become invisible to the male gender entirely.

I HATE CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE.

What’s the most common time of day to get murdered? Like when do the majority of murders occur? Is it actually nighttime because I used to have to walk to work at about 4:30 in the morning and I was never murdered and that seems seriously like it would be the prime time to get murdered.

If all the murderers are awake at night though, when do they all sleep?

Does this have anything to do with vampires?

I’ve been tracking my menstrual (took my 5 tries to spell this right but WE GOT THERE) cycle with an app on my phone cause we live in a post-feminist world and technology is developed to fit my needs and I got an alert today that my “cycle is about to begin” and I have literally never felt more afraid in my life. I know you’re supposed to track it exactly so you get a little heads up for when you’re going to bleed everywhere for a few days, but holy shit now I’m just paranoid. I feel like a hit has been taken out on me and I’m just waiting for it.

But the assassin is inside of me.

If I could trade places with anyone it would be Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and the Sia music videos because who the fuck else am I gonna be?

I feel so weird today because I took a nap which was a horrible mistake and I regret it so much because I only saw the sun for a couple hours 😦

But I get so cold that I just want to not be shaking for a couple hours so I get in bed and then I just fall asleep.

I take so many showers because I’m like “please dear god just let me not be chilled to the fucking bone for 20 minutes please help me”

Alright that’s it for today tomorrow will be better I promise do me a favor and click around for a while and make feel like someone would notice if I died.

1. Yes to Tomatoes face wipes HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS this stuff is pretty great. Now I’m not lying when I say that my skin is usually pretty okay with minimal upkeep. I have been blessed with a natural gorgeous body, hair, and skin, but sometimes shit would go down. Especially chin acne up the wazoo. It sucked and I hated it. BUT NOW I HAVE THESE!! I’ve tried face wipes/make up remover wipes before but they were always so fucking harsh on my skin!!! I might as well have been rubbing fucking sandpaper on my face. It was horrible and it hurt so bad always. These guys are so super gentle and they’re even fine for your eyes (yOUR EYES!!!) so you can get eyeliner off and it’s just generally the bomb. Frankly, my skin has never looked fucking better and I feel like I owe a lot to the tomato now. Which is also a great fruit and probably my favorite fruit of ALL TIME. 2. St. Ives Body Wash ANOTHER GREAT PRODUCT TO WASH YOURSELF WITH I fucking love to exfoliate – it makes my skin feel like 700 thread count sheets. It is incredible. But sometimes exfoliators are so fucking rough and make me want to die. Enter this stuff!!!! It exfoliates, but it’s gentle enough to use every day!!!! Amazing. Life is incredible. This makes showering feel like I’m really scrubbing off all the shit off of my body and it feels great. 3. My next December favorite was just the general dread and malaise that comes with graduating college and the holiday season and just being completely dead inside. I HATE WINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT SADNESS IS MY FAVORITE FEELING!!!!!!!!! 4. Break Free by Ariana Grande How late am I on this song? I don’t care. It’s incredible. Ariana Grande is slowly growing on me, and if they make a music video for the Nicki Minaj song she features on, Get on Your Knees, I may just die. Her voice used to annoy me, but this song makes me wanna be like “yeah I am BREAKING FREE!” ps “I only wanna die alive” is a great tattoo to get on your underboob. 5. Cooking Fever Nothing has made me feel like a capitalistic greed machine than Cooking Fever. It’s a game for your iPhone that turns simple people in to chefs and those chefs into monsters. I’m at a point in the game where you can only advance by upgrading items with gems, but they won’t give me gems until I level up. This vaguely Asian woman taunts me EVERY DAY and doles out meager daily rewards of two gems, and then makes me pay 15 (FIFTEEN) gems to upgrade a goddamn soup pot. This game has wasted so much of my time but it also has the added benefit of helping me avoid thinking about my inevitable death. 6. Serial Murder! Mystery! Kinda some racism! Serial has it all! Everyone else was obsessed with Serial, so I got obsessed with Serial too. For the record, I pretty much agree with every single criticism that’s been made about this show, but I still fucking loved it. This is recommended for people who still have some faith in the world because this will crush all of that immediately. 7. My Bachelors Degree Man, applying to part time jobs and telling them I have completed a bachelors degree feels GREAT!! What were some of your favorites last month gang?? How did you keep yourself from thinking life’s big questions and then being overwhelmed by them and crying yourself to sleep? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS! <33

I am a lonely person, but to be fair, I prefer it this way. I’m most comfortable when I’m alone. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I can do the weird shit I enjoy doing without having to explain it to anyone, I can cook mac and cheese while listening to T-Pain’s “I’m in Luv Wit a Stripper” as loud as I want. It’s great for me.

Last summer I went slightly agoraphobic. I say slightly, because I was able to leave my apartment, but only if I was fairly certain I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone that knew me. So, yeah, while I was able to leave, a lot of things made me burst into tears and it was generally not a fun experience. I got so used to crying in public that one time I was sitting in a park with a book, tears just streaming down my face, and a child came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told her it was just a really sad book, but I should have just said that when you grow up, you get lonely. College dorms may be a breeding ground for Meningitis and Herpes, but that’s because you’re all socializing and things are great and you don’t have bills and you’re softly nestled in the comfort of a long, undergraduate career.

Until you’re where I am, and you look forward to having enough money to afford the luxury of tissues (TISSUES I can’t fucking afford tissues) and then having those dreams dashed when you have to pay your phone bill and you went $60 over your data limit because favoriting tweets is the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore.

SO when life gets me down and I realize that if I somehow choke to death in my apartment that no one would notice for, like, a week maybe, I resort to these following tips! Don’t you wanna have a lifestyle like me???

1. Go to the Apple Store

There is a fucking village of people all dressed the same who want to talk to you. Yeah, I’m never going to be able to afford another Apple product for at least the next century, but they don’t know that! The best part is that you don’t even need to act like you want anyone to come up and talk to you. Just stand next to an iPad, start some Words With Friends and they’ll swarm on top of you almost like you have money.

Some suggested buzz words to keep them talking:

WiFi

“but I heard that an Andriod is better for…..”

Steve Jobs

Minimalistic design

money money money money I’m rich

“do you know what kind of phone taylor swift has?”

And so on. This tactic was able to sustain me for another 20 minutes for a train ride back home, so I could have my daily panic attack, and remind myself what my own voice sounds like! Win win!

2. Go to Tiffany’s

Okay yeah most of these are going to involve pretending to be rich, but like hey, if being obsessed with celebrities has taught me anything, it’s that lots of money is the key to having friends. Britney Spears used to get paparazzi to pump her gas for her. Such good friends!

You’re going to need to clean yourself up a little bit for this one. Put a bra on, maybe shave your armpits if you’re wearing short sleeves, watch a few videos from British YouTubers until you train yourself to talk like one of them. You are regal, you are expensive. Maybe listen to that song “Fancy” if you can get past the casual racism of Iggy Azalea.

Once there, try many pieces on, admiring the way they look on your fingers. Say some rich people stuff like “oh but will this fully compliment the architecture of France?” or “I think my maid will be too tempted to steal this from my third jewelry chest.” They will dote on you, since they don’t know that you’re a poor person in poor person’s clothes pretending to be a rich person. You know?

Then, find the most expensive thing in the store. Act incredibly excited and happy and overjoyed. This is the one!!! Try it on, examine yourself in it from all angles, get pictures of yourself in the jewels. And then, just when you’re about to seal the deal, say to them, “ugh but I don’t know if I really need a second one of these.”

Say you’ll think about it and leave. Never return.

3. Try to Virginia Woolf yourself

Now if you have a flair for performance, this one may be for you. As you know, Virginia Woolf put some rocks in her pockets and drowned herself when she finally succumbed to the severe depression that had plagued her for years. Okay like I get it. Depression is rough no matter what time period you’re in. But seriously Virginia? You got out when the going was good. We have this thing called LinkedIn now. Thought Catalog exists. Virginia Woolf was living it up, being a writer and having sex with ladies while she was married to a man and just doing whatever the fuck she wanted cause she was bipolar.

And I’m like, alright Virginia, I’ve got my room of one’s own, but where’s your treatise on how to deal with people trying to get me to like their blog on Facebook?

So I got this idea while I was sitting out by a shallow, very public body of water that’s filled with the worlds most putrid creatures: geese. Fuck geese. Like obviously, no one can drown themselves here. It’s too shallow, there are people everywhere, someone would want to be the hero and someone would film it and post it to Upworthy or something.

But what if you just went for it? You’d have to really do it though, like get the period costume, really fill those pockets with rocks, and just wade out there, talking about Mrs. Dalloway and a lighthouse.

People will be all over you. Pass it off as some performance art, bringing literature to the masses or something, and you’ll be lauded. Virginia Woolfing yourself will be the new planking, and that’s your legacy!! How could you ever be lonely again?

So there you go, some of the best ideas I have for combating the horrible, pervasive loneliness that plagues us all. It’s also nice to remember that no matter how many friends you have, death could come at any minute.

But Is It Better Than Clueless is a movie review column in which I ask that age old question: But is it better than Clueless? Many movies attempt to reach that level but few are able to exceed that level or higher. It’s almost like, that’s a movie? According to who?

Into the Woods is the movie adaptation of the classic Stephen Sondheim musical, Into the Woods. With Anna Kendrick, Chris Pine, Meryl Streep, Emily Blunt, and some other people, the cast alone is enough for some people to lose their fucking minds about it.

Let’s face it, Meryl Streep is no Brittany Murphy, but she makes do with what she has. As the only woman in Hollywood over 30 that’s not Betty White, she was a natural choice for the Witch. She does a fair job, her acting range is demonstrated, but I always felt like something was missing. Her voice didn’t quite have the same fullness that Brittany Murphy’s has, but again, Murphy demonstrated nothing short of legendary, so some of that was to be expected.

As far as story goes, well there was much to be expected. I feel like there is a kind of standard for movies now, and that standard (in my opinion) requires there to be a certain amount of scenes that take place in a mall. This movie had none of that! Nothing, not even a montage in which the characters appeared in different outfits! Needless to say, that was quite disappointing.

But it did have a good heart, you know, and I understand that it must have been difficult to deviate from the original story that Sondheim had created, so I supposed I can understand that to a degree. Morals were intact, I guess, but what was with all that singing? Compared to the musical number in Clueless, which features the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, these left much to be desired. Were there even any gays in this movie? It’s hard to say. But I think it’s because of that this movie lacked a certain sense of fun.

All things considered, I do think that the filmmakers did you know carpay diem and did the best they could with what was given. I mean, Cinderella wasn’t even blonde, so that’s pretty embarrassing right from the start.

If I had to rank this movie, I guess I’d say it’s a total Monet. Into the Woods sounds like it’s going to be a fun, gay romp through a crowded Nordstrom, but up close it was just a long mess without a single cellphone in the whole thing. See it if you’re a miserable person who loves singing and giants and look nothing like Paul Rudd.

First off are you KIDDING me with this title??? I’m going to e-mail every boy from my creative writing workshop classes and suggest this as a title for their next short story and I bet they will seriously all take that suggestion and they’ll probably get published in like The Paris Review (???? is this even a place people get published??? I HAVE A DEGREE IN THIS) and win a Pulitzer and then buy my soul from me when I am penniless and poor.

LAST TIME on PRETTY LITTLE LIARS it was christmas, Spencer was arrested for murder and was out on bail, Mona is dead, Hanna got a letter from dead Mona and went to A’s house, Alison is most assuredly A according to these four girls who have always been wrong for the last, what, 5 years? All these women are 32 right?

I’m so lost.

Emily’s girlfriend is being written out of the show, and Aria is wearing a lot of animal print still.

Imagine what this show would be like if Juicy Couture jumpsuits were still in play???? I try not to be too nostalgic but that is something I always wonder about.

But let’s live in the present and relive the masterpiece that was PLL season 5 episode 14.

We begin 3 months after Christmas at Mona’s funeral, except there’s no body in the coffin it’s just some random stuff that Mona liked. What would replace your body in your coffin? For me it’s probably Britney Spears merchandise and cheap Forever 21 jewelry.

It’s late March in Rosewood, which means the Liars are able to bare their arms during this funeral, thank GOD. They look great, though unfortunately it’s cut short because gasp who shows up at Mona’s funeral???

ALISON, who the Liars firmly believe murdered Mona, which of course means that she didn’t murder Mona. Alison knows she’s going to a funeral and just says FUCK IT and wears pink flowers even though everyone already hates her. Love that commitment Alison!

Well Mona’s mom slaps her across the face! OMG!

SHOCKING. As usual I’m pretty damn lost on this? What does Mona’s mom know about her daughter? What does she know about Alison? Was Mona Hawaiian? Did they fly in leis from Hawaii? Are they real flowers? What does that even cost?

But you have to remember that Rosewood is a fantasy land in which so many people get murdered that Mona’s mom probably had the lei distributor on speed dial and then had to consider multiple competing offers.

Spencer wins for Worst Dressed at this funeral, and then goes home.

Her dad tells her some stuff? Idk I couldn’t remember who he was for the first half of what he said, but something about Spencer going to jail even though she’s on bail.

Next, Ezria are somewhere I don’t even know. It’s a construction site? Ezra needs help with shelves and asks if Aria has heard from Oberlin yet. Aria is wearing an amazing jacket.

“hey do I kinda look like mila kunis if I stand like this?” “Aria stop messing around and help me clean up the ruins of your country music career.”

Meanwhile, Toby is a police officer and is still stuck in the noir episode. Not, like, quite sure why the experienced detective is divulging particulars about this very serious case to a rookie who is dating the accused, but sure. Yeah, that would happen. Whatever.

but none of this matters because PAIGE IS LEAVING AND THE WORLD IS SAD. Somehow I’ve never really been into Paily. Like, they’re decently cute but Paige is so….like boring? That’s not the right word. She just is so lame. Like she never does anything!!! That’s not necessarily her fault, but it just makes her character so bland. Does she just practice swimming all day? LIke what is she about? I don’t even know. She wears a lot of vests. That’s all I’ve ever gotten.

Paige is wearing white socks, which is perfect because it sums up what she adds to this show

Remember when Caleb was a ghost? I know they tried to explain this away after Ravenswood ended, but I forget what he said. Fireflies were involved I think? Sounds about right because Caleb is so gentle. LIKE A GHOST.

Anyway, he and Hanna are eating chocolate ice cream and Caleb can’t hack into Mona’s computer. They’re sure they’ll find some evidence linking Mona’s murder to Alison!! If only Mona wasn’t so damn smart and awesome.

Then Hanna turns this into a conversation about how they should seek out the psychic (?) from Ravenswood (?) that also has the same name as Dumbledore’s former lover? (???) Grundewald? What? Again, this makes no sense to me, but whatever. Sure. Let’s go with it. Caleb says NO!! THAT’s A BAD IDEA!! So hanna will most assuredly do it in a minute.

But first we’re at Spencer. She is scared of going to prison, the rest of them are like “it’s cool.” Then Spencer has a plan. Ok.

Aria sits on a bench at night to open her admissions letters cause WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU DO THAT? Especially when there’s a murderer about! Someone’s gotta see your butterfly top!

more like NOberlin!!

Then Alison shows up. What is up with her? Like what’s she been doing the past few months? Did she get into Oberlin?

They say some stuff, yknow, like, “YOU’RE A MURDERER” and “NO I’M NOT” and then Aria pulls out her rape whistle.

“I got this in case someone tried to steal my marching band jacket!”

Cool.

Then Ezra talks to Aria’s brother about Mona and he’s like “why aren’t you crying” and there are saws and it’s all very masculine and testosterone fueled.

“what are you gonna put on these bookshelves?? crying books???? ha, not me. I’m a dude.”

Sidenote: when did Aria’s brother grow up? damn, Mona got to him as a boy but turned him into a man. Honestly they could replace Aria’s brother with Mark Ruffalo and I’d be like “oh wow brilliant casting they do really look alike!”

Hanna is at Mona’s grave with the psychic mentioned earlier and has her touch a stuffed dog.

When I’m old as shit like this, all I’m gonna do is fuck with people. I’ll take dead people’s shit and tell their friends they’re essentially in hell and they’ll be like “grandma hell sounds awesome since the earth is just a burning pile of trash floating through space” #savethewhales #watchWallE

ANYWAY, she says some stuff about where Mona’s body is and then some stuff about how they all have secrets. Yeah that’s in the fucking theme song bitch. Tell us something we don’t know.

Spencer’s previously mentioned plan involves picking apart Ali’s alibi for where she was when Mona was murdered, and she does that by talking to her half brother, Jason. Emily goes to look for a muffin tin while she does this. Spencer wears these really cool pants.

They say some stuff. I wasn’t paying attention.

he’s like “ugh how have I not been written out of this show to be in a Nicholas Sparks movie.”

Emily and Spencer go back to the Hasting’s household, and Emily reveals that she has stolen Ali’s hairbrush.

WHAT???

okay there are things i can believe suspend my disbelief for but what the HECK was Ali’s hairbrush doing in her KITCHEn???? Or did Emily somehow have enough time to go up to her room and find her brush? What? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Emily is the one with the plan now, and it’s to plant evidence at the crime scene that links it murder to Ali and absolve Spencer. Yeah, fight crime with crime. Spencer at this point is like “whatever” and I’m like “whatever.”

Aria is pissed she didn’t get into Lena Dunham’s alma mater, so she wants Caleb to hack into the website to “make sure it wasn’t A.” Mmk.

So Caleb teaches her how to hack. Sure. For some reason (one of the tweets ABC Fam wanted us to send was whether or not Aria should trust Ezra) I don’t fully trust Ezra. I can see him doing some shit to keep Aria in Rosewood. But also none of this makes any sense at all so whatever.

What’s Spencer and Emily’s ship name? Spemily? Either way, they’re committing a felony. But on the plus side, this severe bun means that Emily looks the gayest she has ever had.

seriously she looks like a nurse from the L word. doesn’t get much better than this y’all.

Neither of them are concerned that someone will see them planting this. Emily says she “doesn’t know how long Mona’s mom will be gone” HOW DID SHE KNOW SHE WAS GONE in the FIRST PLACE?? Again. Whatever. Sure.

They find cameras in Mona’s house, and they suspect it may have captured the murder on film. They have Hanna tell Mona’s mom about the cameras for some reason?

Was Mona’s mom on the show before? Because this woman needs some kind of emotion. It sounded like I was listening to someone from NPR talk about how a teenager was murdered.

this week…..on serial

She wants to honor Mona by putting her pictures in some books. Okay. She says this in the creepiest way possible cause like, why else. And then Hanna’s like “THERE’S CAMERAS IN YOUR HOUSE” and peaces out.

Then A attacks Aria in this weird construction site and takes Mona’s computer.

I have a LONG HELD BELIEF that Aria has actually been A this whole time, so this attack is a little disappointing to me because it kind of pokes a hole in that theory a little bit. But also, why did Aria take the computer in the first place? Why didn’t she leave it at Caleb’s? Also how did A know she was going to be here? I don’t trust Ezra (again) but also WHY DIDN’T SHE DIE Aria is the worst.

Then Alison runs into Goonderbald, and there’s some close ups on both of their eyes? They probably want us to think they’re related somehow, which like sure why not. They both have blue eyes so there you go. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this because nothing on Pretty Little Liars actually means anything.

But good news!! The cameras in Mona’s house were suspiciously turned back on before Mona was murdered, so we have some video of a blonde person pushing Mona around. Jason is like “yeah I guess that could be Alison” there ya have it.

“uh yeah sure. idk. can I go to California with Paige now and leave this show for good?”

So the police go off to arrest Alison, with the help of the Liars who don’t let her escape like they know she will try to do.

Emily is like “and to think I thought about making out with you in french class!!”

It’s worth noting here that Emily chose not to take her girlfriend to the airport to do this little shove that keeps Ali in custody of the police. Yep, that’s a good decision.

Ali tells the Liars that she’s being framed and that A will kill them without Ali’s protection. The Liars are like “you’re lying!!” and the police arrest Ali. Yay!!! A is gone finally! There are two more seasons of this show, but those seasons will just be about them being happy and content I’m pretty sure.

Then Aria goes and talks to her brother about Mona and he finally has emotions.

Great! Glad his character was dealt with.

Then FINALLY we get to Paige.

Of course I cry because I have a heart. I’m not happy that the two lesbian characters are now separated by an entire country. If there were no lesbians on Pretty Little Liars, I doubt I would actually even think about watching this show. So even though I’m not the biggest fan of Paige (which I know is a horribly unpopular opinion), I’m sad to see her go.

I love how TV lesbians always both have perfect hair. Makes me just feel really good about the world.

But it’s unclear now whether or not Emily is single. Are they doing the long distance thing or is this a break up? I’d probably think the former, unless they want to have one of them cheat on the other one. Meh. As long as two girls are making out, I’ll take it.

But au revoir, Paige. At least we got to see Moze from Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide kiss some girls. My childhood thanks you for that.

Then we return to Spencer, who learns that the charges against her have been dropped.

I honestly think this is one of the dumbest things this show has done. This is par for the course for them, building something huge up, and then shrugging it off as nonchalantly as possible. “Oh you know that huge deal? It’s gone now all of a sudden.” Like what? I was really looking forward to some kind of like court thing with Spencer or something, because that would be so exciting and interesting. So of course they just dropped it.

Alright whatever.

Then the Liars are hanging out on a porch in March, just imagining their lives as A-less beings.

“yeah cause we all applied to college right?! we all have futures!!!!”

Aria mopes a little cause she didn’t get in anywhere, the rest of them somehow have not heard anything from anyone yet.

Then, fireworks!

Cue creepy A music.

do other people in Rosewood see all this A shit? are they like “who the FUCK is obsessed with the letter A?” or does everyone think they’re being terrorized by someone named A?

OMG BUT ALISON IS IN PRISON??? WHAT?????

Ughhhhhh.

Even the Liars are sick of this because they’re immediately just like “NOPE!” and they go back inside hahahaha.

So what did we learn this week? Nothing. I hope Spencer’s pill addiction comes back for the third time.