Summary

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Two Highschool students grapple with the losses they face following an immense tragedy.

following a school shooting in a small town, two students ponder the events that led them to the place where they are now. what they have lost, and what they have gained. This is a first draft that I am moderately sure is complete trash, I am just ready for a second opinion so I know where to focus my efforts as a I iron out the plot and dialogue, it should be a fairly simple read, especially if you've had a bad day and need something to bash on, constructively of course. Thanks and all the best.

Two Highschool students grapple with the losses they face following an immense tragedy.

When a couple realize the world is ending they celebrate their last day examining their relationship's ups and downs.

My screenplay Sunrise is a drama that tells the story of a young couple finding out the world is ending and on their last day, they have a picnic to celebrate their relationship but also examine it as well.

When a couple realize the world is ending they celebrate their last day examining their relationship's ups and downs.

REVIEWS

There's not much material here to give a review, considering the script is only 2 pages. Im not sure if you were aware, but every one page in a screenplay is estimated to be no more than one minute. Two pages doesn't really give time to tell a story, much less provide enough build up for yhe plot twist at the end. Most short films usually have some type of unexpected twist at the end so I see what you were aiming for. Obviously there was some type of submissive dog fettish shared by the two of them. However, I dont think it's inteiguing enough to suprise anyone at the end. Especially because the build up was so short. I recommend adding a little more mystery to the purpose of the story. Drag their date out a little longer. Have them eat food, share laughs, look at old photos. Tell a complete story before twisting the plot. All in all, I believe you have the right idea, but you missed the execution.

I gave you a poor on concept because honestly, I didn't get it. What is the concept? Please enlighten me.
The pacing is good. Creates urgency. Protagonist is good. All scenes are well written as it can be. Can't say much about dialogue but the three lines there were good. If there was conflict, I didn't see it. The climax just kept me wanting more.

This was a short sweet scene of a dominatrix getting ready for a visited from one of her clients. I think it read well and got to the point. The only reason I said fair on the dialogue because it wasn't very much dialogue.

You have your way with words to make solid descriptions and you seem to be skillful in the art of the writing itself. I fear I can't say the same about the concept. This is one of those situations where execution is slightly above concept and in the end, we know there is nothing much going on.

No story.

No stakes.

Characters are generic.

Poor concept.

Or this is just an excerpt of a feature length script. That doesn't make it a short film script.

Consider this...
This script is really good for the advert. Maybe for a lotion company or a body spray company or something.
In the foyer scene, you said she took off her clothes. Then in the bathroom scene, you said she strips. Is she getting naked twice? How?
I think you should drop a hint of what those two are about to do. Maybe his hand goes up to her dress just before the door closes.
In general, the script needs some more elaborating.
I get it. As writers, we know what we want to show. But we must find ways to make others understand us in an entertaining way.
This script has a lot of mystery. It could be that a girl prepares for a night of sex. It could also be that a girl prepares to lose her virginity. It could also be that a girl prepares for a night of BDSM. Or it could be something else entirely. All I'm saying is make it clear what it is.

First of all, this is my first review and the first screenplay I read here. I think "Mister" is a quite enjoyable little flick. Although it starts in an ordinary or average way, it ends in an extraordinary way. Dialogues or in this case monologues are strong and they are the key elements to the climax. All in all this is a well written supershort-story.

At first, I was unsure of what the point of this was, yet I was strangely dragged into it. By the end, I found out that it did have a point to it, and I liked it. Their positions in their relationship were the opposite to what I expected, which changed the story but managed not to contradict anything.