How the comics of Jesterval would lighten up the EU Referendum

Alan Johnson, Labour MP and former Home Secretary, holds an ice cream during a visit to Barry with the the Labour IN for Britain. Juxtaposed on top is the Jesterval logo (Image: Matthew Horwood/Getty Images)

The EU Referendum on June 23 is a serious business. Goodness, it’s serious. So we asked the comedians appearing at Jesterval, the North East Comedy Festival (taking place June 3-12), how they would lighten it up. Scott Gibson wrote an essay and Brendon Burns’s first attempt, rendered for family consumption, whittled down to just a few words including ‘I’d’, ‘get’, ‘my’, ‘out’ and ‘wahey’. But a politically aware 17 responded – and here’s how.

Catherine Scott

To me the whole thing is a bit of a joke anyway, dreamed up by Tories trying to win back their Ukip defectors. I find clowns, balloons and silly string works to brighten up any event.

Unless you’re afraid of those things... then you probably shouldn’t leave your house on voting day :) xx

Gary Delaney

Any time in a debate anyone says the words ‘EU’ they have to say it like a Glaswegian starting a fight...

Jarred Christmas

Jarred Christmas (Image: FOCALPOINT OPTICS)

Change the name Brexit to ‘Bruck Off’ and print T-shirts but only in kids’ sizes. Instead of ticking a box for stay or go, you have to lick the box. Stay will taste of sunshine and lollipops and go will taste of poo. (Don’t want to be too obvious about which way I’m voting).

John Scott

I’ve devised a Ukip version of Cluedo. That’s where it doesn’t matter who did it, you just blame the immigrant. Yeah, it was Meitjeck the Polish builder in that conservatory he’s building. With a hammer and a truck-load of overtime.

Jonathan Pelham

I would make a rule that every time anyone from either camp predicted that if we didn’t do what they thought we should there would be totally disastrous effects to our economy/security/way of life, they had to put £1 in a jar. Whichever way we vote at the end, the money in the pot gets spent on an obscene amount of chocolate. That way we know whatever happens there will be a lot of chocolate come the 24th.

Kate Fox

Kate Fox

I’d have Eurovision representatives from each country singing a song to remind Britain why it should stay in Europe. Then a Eurovision-style voting slot to announce the referendum results with representatives from each county giving the votes whilst wearing sparkly suits. There could be referendum parties with themed European food and flags and Graham Norton commentating. Though once we were reminded how nobody votes for us anymore in Eurovision (and heard the terrible songs), I suspect the Brexiteers would get a massive boost.

Kate Lucas

I think David Cameron should add to the conditions of Britain’s ‘special status’ that we all agree Gina G was the true winner of the 1996 Eurovision Song Contest. Only when this happens can we trade and create policy effectively. It would also mean a lot to my seven-year-old self.

Paul Foot

Cancel the ballot and make it a cheese vote. Big pile of cheddar and big pile of camembert. Eat a block of cheddar for Brexit or a wheel of camembert for Remain and count the leftovers. I always find putting on a pair of replica deer antlers and a fake fur fox tail lightens up even the dullest occasion. Of course, I don’t actually have to be naked, but I love the thrill of the chase.

Brendon Burns

Well, referendum is a fancy word for a yes/no vote. So perhaps instead you turn it into a ‘Would you rather?’ game of spin-the-bottle with conundrums such as: “Would you rather have an orange complexion or an orange man?”; “Would you rather lose the last cool thing about you or the first thing you tell yourself when you’re losing an argument?”; or “Would you rather turn a blind eye to Turkey being a bit ropey or that your Prime Minister may have loved a pig in the mouth once?”

George Zach

George Zach

Being a European citizen means that if you guys vote to leave, I will need to apply to become British. Personally, I cannot wait to be British and finally be able to look around at all the people from different cultures and backgrounds and tell them to go back where they came from.

Kai Humphries

A lot of people are voting to exit for fear of immigrants entering the UK. I say we be careful what we wish for because if the borders close, does that mean we have to get our own immigrants back? I don’t think I’d be comfortable with all the criminals returning from the Costa Del Sol and all of the pondlife coming back from Benidorm. I honestly don’t think Sticky Vicky would fit in working at Sainsbury’s.

Lauren Pattison

The voting is done via the hokey cokey... in, out, in, out, shake it all about!

Lee Kyle

Comedian Lee Kyle

God, I’m s*** at these things. How could you lighten up the EU Referendum? I wouldn’t. It’s a very serious business. There is a time and a place for comedy and that time and place is Sunday, June 12 (5pm) at Jesterval. Also, I’d make them wear funny hats and trick them into necking on with seals.

Matt Reed

A fight to the death. Every country sends their finest warrior. Seems obvious, doesn’t it?

Phil Nichol

I’d fill the voting booths with helium so even if it doesn’t end well we all have had a laugh. Who doesn’t like the old helium ‘kids’ voice’ joke?

Scott Gibson

How could you lighten it up? For me that’s a pretty easy question. British people don’t want to be bored with in-depth knowledge, rational thought or important facts!!! NO!!! They want to know if Boris thinks the German Chancellor will stop your 13-year-old son working a 14-hour paper round before a shift down an old pit. They want simple made up nonsense, all rolled up and delivered in an easy-to-digest 90s classic TV show. So what we do on June 23 is no referendum, no votes, no news. We bring back Gladiators for an EU Special. 10 UK Gladiators vs 10 EU Gladiators. Think about it. The Wolf Man vs some Polish guy with an ear missing and questionable prison tattoos, or Jet on the hoops with her soft inner thigh pressed against the cheek of an ex-East German butterfly champion. A series of games to determine who stays and who goes. People at home vote for their favourite Gladiator and get a chance to win a number of British or EU-themed prizes like holidays to Blackpool or to Brussels. It also gives Ulrika one last pay day before she’s boxed up and shipped back to Sweden for a recalibration and the inevitability that she is melted down for spare parts. I wonder in another 10 years what we will miss more? The joy of homo-erotic Saturday night TV, where ex-bodybuilders and debt collectors with bums like pin cushions fought it out to slake an IT specialist and long distance runner from Peterborough into a crash mat, or the open trade policies and freedom of movement of the EU? I imagine it’ll still be Gladiators. But, hey, don’t worry. Scotland will have its independence by then so it’s all good.

Si Buglass

Si Buglass

I would lighten up the referendum by making everyone get hammered on Mad Dog 20/20 and listen to MC Stompin.

Jesterval, the North East Comedy Festival, takes place for the fourth year running in a laughter-filled marquee at Baltic Square, Gateshead, from June 3 to 12.

All these jokers will be appearing along with many more, household names mixing with newcomers tipped for the top. There is, promise the organisers, something for everyone – adults, children, families.