By now, most moms have graduated to the advanced level badges. The final stages. The highest of the high. You have passed both the beginner, as well as intermediate stages (see previous 2 blog posts). So now this is where it's all at. By this stage, you are not only professional, but also proficient, prolific, and all round pro-frigging-tastic!

Eat your heart out Baden Powell, my society is waaayyy cooler!

Recitals/Concerts/Eisteddfod’s/Gradings/Graduations/Prize Givings Badge– these are the long-suffering moms. The ones who have sat through 3 hours of
prize giving, only to watch their little cherub, go up, for 11 seconds, to
receive a certificate for choir attendance…
Eisteddfod is my worst. The
opportunity for disaster is just too ripe.
Like your kid or someone else’s forgetting the dance moves and freezing. Or singing their solo off key. I physically age at these events.

School Meeting Badge– this one needs no introduction. Places of education have a propensity for
meetings. Of the lengthy kind. The requirements of this badge, are at least
7 PTA’s. However if you are presented with the
necessity to attend 3 PTA meetings on the same night, at the same time, at at
least two different schools, the requirement drops down to three. Been there, done that. Wished I had a clone.

Book Covering Badge– this badge can only be achieved in
January. Moms joining our group in February,
will have to endure a whole 11 month long wait, in order to qualify for this
badge during the following January. Now
the whole cover-the-text-book-with-plastic thing is not too bad. Nor is the whole
cover-the-workbook-with-pretty-paper-before-covering-it-with-plastic
thing. The problem comes in when you
have 3 kids. Each having a minimum of 11
subjects. Some requiring more than one textbook. And more than one workbook. You can literally find yourself with a
hundred books to cover. It is wise to
train your kids to do this arduous task themselves, or to assist you at the
very least. Even if there job only
entails cutting bits of sellotape.
Fanning you cool with an old Ideas magazine, and making you coffee.

Mom’s Taxi Badge– there is an automatic exclusion on this badge
for mothers who live within walking distance of school. In addition, if their children do no
extra-mural, off school premises, they do not qualify for this badge either. To best qualify for this badge, said mother
needs to preferably have more than one offspring. Personally if you’re aiming at getting your badge quickly, I can
recommend 3 kids. Each of them doing
extra-murals at the same time, at different venues. Furthermore at least one child has to be
teenager, requesting midnight pick-up times.
Bonus points are earned if you live in another town to the one that your
kids do their schooling in. I found that
this was one of my easiest badges to complete.
One Wednesday afternoon was all that it took…

Lost Property Badge–mothers
with children with ADHD are also easy-achievers with this badge. They are proficient in digging through lost
property boxes at various schools. They
mark every item said child takes to school.
In more than one place. However,
most importantly, they never send nice towels, best shoes, new clothes, good
cutlery and crockery, or favourite items along on school camps. These items will never return. It can be noted that sleeping bag covers,
should be cable tied to the zipper of sleeping bags. These mothers spend the GDP of some African
countries on slip slops every summer.

Split Personality Badge– this badge goes to all mothers of
teenagers. These mothers experience
moments of deep concern. When they look
at their former-sweet-children, who have suddenly changed into
hormonal-teenage-horrors. Occasionally
these mothers consider counselling, medication, alcohol (for themselves) and
exorcism, as a means of reaching their former darling children again. Please note, that changes in personality, generally
run concurrently with physical changes in the body. You know exactly what I mean. Apparently, they will eventually morph back
into human life form again. I’m currently waiting as fast as I can…

Delaying Tactics Badge– aaahhh, yes!
The old Delaying Tactics Badge.
This badge can only be awarded under two circumstances. The requirements are strict and adherence is
expected. You may only qualify for these
badges at: Bedtime,
Homework/Studying. Children do anything,
say anything and behave in any way, to avoid these two unavoidable
outcomes. Occasionally, they will even
fake their own death. They will need
innumerable bathroom breaks, profess starvation, have leg cramps (phantom – have you tried making a poo yet?), stomach
cramps (phantom – have
you tried making a poo yet?), headaches (phantom – have you tried making a poo yet?), they will
be thirsty, and my personal favourite – have the longest, boring, most dull,
unimportant story to tell you. Taking 13
looooooong minutes. In which time, you
can feel yourself aging. Please note
that it is important that the mother in question, refrains from clubbing the
child with a TV remote (loads of red tape).

Cake Sale Badge – this badge is awarded to those mothers who
lovingly bake and make home-prepared treats for cake sales at school. Numerous times. Over and over and over again. There comes a point, when you feel that you
will never get the smell of popcorn out of your hair (sorry, I don’t bake – popcorn is about as good as it gets from
me). However, fear not. This badge is also awarded to those mothers
who do the selling at cake sales. The
ones who end up paying in an exorbitant amount of money for the poor kids who just
don’t have
enough cash on them, and you don’t have
the heart to say, “No my
love, you can’t have a
chocolate cupcake”. These mothers handle sticky coins and help
little fingers to open wallets. They run
after kids who forgot their change and they patiently give little kids the
chance to feel grown-up by doing their own selection and timeously counting out
their money.

Telephone Badge– this is a special one. There is a reason, the old chord phones of
yonder were replaced by hands-free portable ones. Few things are more trying than a child who
discovers, 17 seconds after you’ve taken
a phone call, that they need to ask you a super-dee-duper important
life-and-death-question. Like, does
Barney have a belly button. Yip! At birth, all children have an inbuilt
sensor, that goes off. Mainly when you’re on the phone. They’re hungry, they need you to wipe their bum
(they like to holler this loudly, so the person on the other end of the line
can hear it), they’re
thirsty, they’ve got a
sore foot (have you tried making a poo yet?), they’re killing their sibling, or my personal
favourite – the
whole super-dee-duper important life-and-death-question thing. Like, why is the grass green or why are
bananas bendy? Which brings me
back. Phones with chords were fazed
out. As a safety measure. To protect children. From irritated mothers. However, it can be noted that some of these
mothers did use these chords on themselves, in self-mutilation. I really understand.

I’m-Hungry-Badge– this
badge can be attained at any time of the day or night. However, it is easily achieved during certain
critical moments. The half an hour
leading up to you cooking supper. The
half an hour after you’ve just
cleared the table from a meal and they’ve assured you that they’re full.
Any shopping trip ever.
Particularly when you’re in
the aisle of torture (the sweet and snack aisle), or when you’re waiting at the till and the tills are simply
lined with all things sugar. Actually,
any time they leave the home and they know that you’re carrying your wallet, you’re vulnerable.
You are not immune if you’ve just
fed your child. Because here’s the trick – these hunger pangs are not actually hunger
related at all. It can also be said that
kids have a fondness, which they’re fond
of declaring loudly (to anyone willing to hear – the elderly makes for a great audience), for
expensive items. Like watermelons out of
season, when they cost the same as a rump steak. I can really recommend hearing loss (don’t forget your earmuffs!). However, I usually have healthy snacks on
hand. Apples, carrots, etc. Ironically, upon presentation of these food
alternatives, they usually find themselves feeling full after all. Hunger gone.
It’s a
miracle!

Story-Time Badge– this badge is only for those mothers with
small children. Obviously. You qualify for this badge, once you can
quote a book, verbatim, from front to back, without even opening the book. Extra points are given for being able to
quote the page number. Even more points
are earned for being able to do this feat, when being randomly woken up at
3am. The expert mother can even doodle
the appropriate pictures. Badges are
also awarded to mothers who bravely dodge the, “just one more story”, request, 943 nights in a row. Irrespective of how many stories she has
already read to the child. Or the
lateness of the hour.

Sleep-Dodge Badge– most mothers complete the Sleep-Dodge and
Delaying Tactics Badges together, as there is some common ground between the
two. However some kids take the whole
sleep-dodge thing to a whole new level.
There is a reason kids are for well-known for their amazing creativeness
and imagination. The dramatic child goes
with the, “there’s a monster under my bed” story.
The clever mother, though sympathetic in the beginning, must harden up
and be smart. Especially if this is the
23rd consecutive night in a row the child has dished up the same
story. Particularly if the child has
already exhausted the other Delaying-Tactics resources to no avail. And said child is exhibiting no obvious sign
of fear and is in fact sporting a smirk.
Because they are indeed laughing at you.
I was the lucky recipient of a gold-star-medalist in the Sleep-Dodge
stakes. My little cherub could
projectile vomit on cue, in order to avoid sleeping. Yip, on purpose. For fun.
To avoid sleeping.

Glitter Badge– this badge is given in conjunction with
playschools and preschools across the world.
It entails liberal dusting of all artworks with glitter. In fact, excessive use seems to be
encouraged. Kids tend to come home,
covered in glitter from hair to toe. The
most pesky place to remove said glitter, is from the actual scalp area. True story.
Glitter is truly, the gift that keeps on giving. It never ends…..

Roadtrip Badge– I am only giving you 4 words. These are the only words needed to explain
this badge – “Are we
there yet?” These
words are usually uttered at 7 minute intervals. From the start of your four and a half hour
journey. Non-stop. By various kids. However, brief reprieves do exist. At every 42km enforced bathroom break demand
by the kids. Irrespective of whether
there’s a
bathroom in sight or not. Sigh.

Show Badge– aaahhh yes!
The Show Badge. This is not to be
confused with the concert badge. The
show badge, describes the little home-plays kids tend to do. Or should I say, little home-style theatre
productions. Rule of thumb – they will not be well rehearsed. You will be required to clap
enthusiastically, irrespective of talent, plot line and props. These “productions” (I use the term loosely), will usually be
rather lengthy. So make sure your seat
is comfy. I once had to endure a 23
minute dying scene by one of my kids. In
the scorching hot sun. I nearly expired
from heatstroke. And boredom. And my hands were sore from clapping. I’d mistakenly assumed that my enthusiasm will
speed things up. Sadly, it encouraged my
“dying
swan”, to
make many near-recoveries, before finally, mercifully succumbing. Truth be told, I nearly assisted him to meet
his maker in the end, by wacking him over the head with the little kiddie chair
I had to wedge my bum into. It was a
near escape.

Birthday Party Badge– this badge is awarded to the mother who has
lovingly baked and self-prepared every edible treat, for the kids and the
parents. She’s packed party packs, colour-coordinated
everything, bought matching balloons, risked fainting from blowing up the
balloons, and lovingly made personalised birthday invitation for all of the
little guests. This badge is also
awarded to the mother who simply sends an sms out, 3 days before the proposed
party. She scoots down to the local
bakery on the morning of the party, to buy any cake she can find. She randomly buys edible treats for kids and
the staying moms alike. She no longer
does party packs and simply resorts to bowls filled with sweets on the
table. Kids have pockets, don’t they?
They can choose their own treat to take home. If there are leftovers. There’ll be balloons, if she remembers, but it’s not a given.
I’ve been
both these moms. The
party-mom-over-achiever and the last-minute-dot-com-party-mom. I can confirm that the kids have equal
amounts of fun, either which way. They
don’t care who made the cake. They just want
tartrazine, sugar and food colouring.
And lots thereof.

Dance Party Badge– brave, brave, brave moms. The thing with a dance party is this – dance parties only ever occur when there are
hormones involved. Which is why little
kids don’t want
dance parties. Because if you’re a boy, then girls are gross. And vice versa. The first rule of thumb, that teenage
hormones are a brewing, is the request for a dance party. Unfortunately, dance parties are an
after-dark-event. So have your
spies. Be vigilant. Personally, I can recommend headlamp
torches. Easy to spot the little buggers
in the dark, when they’re
trying to sneak off to have a smooch.
Stealth is everything. Because
basically, your precious child, that you’re going to all this effort for, does not
really want you to be there at all.
Their requirements of you are simple – send out the invites, make sure there’s food and cooldrink, ensure the music is loud,
and make yourself scarce. It is a proven
fact that sexist division will occur for the duration of the party. With boys hanging in one corner, laughing and
goofing off. And girls titivating in the
bathroom and having big girlie dances with each other. Until 3 minutes before the first parent
arrives. And everyone finally starts
dancing. Together. Strange but true.

Sleepover Badge– this badge is only awarded to parents who have
hosted sleepover parties. Regular
average one-kid-only sleepovers don’t count.
Cause the thing with sleepover parties, is this – THEY DON’T SLEEP.
It is a cruel misnomer, calling these parties a sleepover, when in fact
they don’t. Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead you’ll be treated to lots of giggles if it’s girls, pillow fights with boys, make-up
spilled everywhere with girls, farting with boys, pieces of pizza on your
couch, popcorn kernels under foot, loud guffawing, a pile of lost property
afterwards, jumping on your chairs, running in the passage, etc. With a bit of luck, the early faders will
start to wilt after midnight. But the
die-hards will be loud and rowdy till about 3am, only quietening (if you’re lucky), after dire threats. Which gives you about 2 hours if you’re lucky, before the first ones start waking up
again at 5am. However, this does all
change when they’re
teenagers. Sort of. They go to even bed later, but if they’re boys, they’re in a man-cave. Girls watch movies until the early
hours. They rise later, however it might
be for different causes altogether…

Boardgame Badge– this applies to all games, played whilst
sitting down. And though boardgames are
the norm, cards do also qualify. Go-catch-a-fish in particular, played 23 times in a row. It’s really a chore and requires diligent work to
continuously lose. Snap, however is also
a qualifying game. Monopoly is the
easiest game to play in order to get your badge. Mostly because the average game lasts about 5
and a half hours. And your 12 year old is
a loan shark, charging exorbitant rates, as the banker. Making you pawn your precious Clifton and Westville
too. It is very hard to withstand their
boastful gloating when you land on their expensive property, with its rather
distasteful and excessively flamboyant 3 hotels. On one property. On occasion I’ve considered offering my real car as capital
surety, in order to pay back my debts.
Because the truth of the matter is, they won’t let you bow out gracefully and admit
defeat. They enjoy watching you
suffer. And it usually gets worse. After offering to donate your kidney and a
spleen just to get off their empire, chances are you’re going to land on Chance and get lobbed with
a fake dentist bill. For the very same 12 year old, with his crooked teeth. Jeez!

PMS Badge– this badge is obviously reserved for mothers
of daughters only. Once a month, a
body-snatching alien swoops down, and turns your already-hormonal teenage
daughter, into a 2 headed beast. One who
bites and snaps at anything and everything.
I suggest you throw chocolate at it.
It tends to help. Alternatively
there is a muzzle. Though this is
apparently frowned upon. Please go into
this with your eyes wide open. No matter
what you say or do, you are clearly wrong and insensitive. When you reach breaking point, I suggest you
concentrate your efforts on consuming the chocolate yourself. And make a grab for your earmuffs at the same
time.

Star Chart Badge– effective though the old star chart is, it
demands dedication, perseverance and persistence. There comes a point, in every single star
chart experience, where I’m at
least 2 days behind, because I’ve run
out of stars. Or rewards. Or both.
All mothers make this same mistake.
It is exhausting. And at some
point, it just becomes ammunition in your child’s Delaying-Tactics game as well as their
Bedtime-Dodge efforts. Do not get roped
into playing their game. You must remain
strong. Do quick hand drawn crooked
stars in blue pen if the need calls. And
leftover Spur mints from your handbag are ample rewards at a push don’t you think?

The moral of the story is
this – us
mothers have it tough. It is one pitfall
after the next. Until you have that one
magical moment. When the stars are
aligned. Your kids are achingly
sweet. And you simply know – it’s all so worthwhile, and I’d do it all over again. Because every mother knows the undisputable
truth – THEIR
kids are the best. And they wear those
hard earned badges with pride. Because
it means you’ve
walked the walk. Not only talked the
talk. You’ve put in the time, the effort. And you’ve given your heart.