The Big Slow (with Paul Heyman)
vs. Rikishi.
Well, it can only get better from here, right? Slow chops, so
Rikishi chops back while the crowd enlightens Slow on their
opinion of him. Slow shoulderblocks Rikishi down, but misses the
elbowdrop. Rikishi hits the superkick, but cant do a slam
because Slow is TOO FAT. Slow slams Rikishi and chops him down.
Big boot gets 2, and Slow locks in the abdominal stretch, because
the blistering pace of this match certainly necessitates a boring
resthold. Then again, Slow IS gassed, so I guess it does.
Getting... sleepy... After keeping the hold for more than a
minute, Slow grabs the rope and pounds Rikishi down. Rikishi
tries to slug his way back, but Slow clothesline him, with
Rikishi bringing out the spinning sell. The chokeslam finally
mercy-kills this atrocity at 4:08. If lulling the crowd to sleep
was their objective here, bravo. If youre ever having
trouble falling asleep, watch this match.

After the bell, Heyman grabs the
stick and promises a lesson for Brock tonight.

Ice Ice Cena (with B-2) vs. Chavo
Guerrero (with Eddy Guerrero).
Cena does the usual Thug-enomics rap en route to the
ring. They tie it up into the corner, where Chavo AGGRESSIVELY~!
climbs the ropes, only to get shooed down by the ref. Chavo takes
Cena down with a European uppercut, then a back suplex. He dumps
Cena out, and legdrags him when he comes back in. Chavo escapes a
military press, and does a second back suplex for 2. Cena gets
the rally started with a clothesline out of the corner, and
elbows Chavo down off the ropes. Cena puts Chavo up in the
corner, but Chavo elbows him down, only to get decked and sent to
the mat by B-2. That brings Eddy over, as he and B-2 start
throwing it down on the floor. Cena and B-2 double-team Eddy, but
Eddy turns the tide, and Chavo evens the odds by nailing a
pescado onto B-2. Eddy suplexes B-2 onto the ramp, then all the
extras are evicted from ringside. The match proper resumes with
Cena suplexing Chavo back into the ring. Cena goes up, but Chavo
wins the fight for the top rope, and comes down with a superplex
for 2. Chavo hits a nice DDT for 2. He tries a rollup near the
ropes, but Cena kneels down and grabs the ropes for the pin at
4:56. Decent little match, though I wasnt a big fan of the
ending.

Last week, Mr. Charisma tied the
knot with Dawn Marie, and that is all that we shall speak of this
travesty.

Meanwhile, a camera crew is at the
honeymoon suite. Dawn talks about how exhausted she is. Home
videos are promised for later.

Non-Title Match: Matt Hardy v1.0
(with Shannon Moore) vs. Billy Kidman.
Todays fun facts from Mattitude.com: Matt has a heated
toilet seat, and likes pulp in his orange juice. The first is
TMI, IMO. They exchange hammerlocks before Kidman takes Matt down
with a headscissor, then dropkicks him for 2. Matt pounds Kidman
and chokes him on the ropes, then allows Shannon to do the same.
Matt does the running straddle, then hits a back suplex into a
side slam for 2. Matt grabs a sleeper, but Kidman escapes and
puts on his own sleeper. Matt side slams out of it for 2. Kidman
elbows out of the side effect and hits a springboard bulldog for
2. He does a nice leaping back elbow off the ropes, and
enzuigiris Matt for 2. Kidman takes Matt over with a rana,
decks Shannon off the apron, and backdrops Matt to the floor.
Kidman harkens back to the WCW days, standing on the top rope and
nailing a Shooting Star Press onto both Matt and Shannon. Its
nice to see him break out that spot again. Looks like Kidman and
Moore knocked noggins on the replay. Back in, that gets 2. Matt
ducks a clothesline and hits the Side Effect for 2. He goes up,
but misses the 2nd-rope legdrop. Kidman powerbombs Matt and goes
up, but Moore distracts him enough for Matt to slam him down.
Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Kidman shoves out, sending
Matt into Moore, and rolls him up for the win at 4:26. Another
decent match here, and the SSP to the floor is always a cool
spot.

Matt looks furious after the loss,
and calls Shannon into the ring. Todays lesson in
MATTITUDE~!: its better to try and fail than not to try at
all. Matt forgives Shannon, and gives him a big ol hug.

Meanwhile, Brock has arrived.

After the beak, Not Tough Enough
solicits Torrie Wilsons opinion of last weeks
wedding, and she proclaims it disgusting. Itll be Torrie
vs. Dawn at the Rumble. I guess theyre trying to pay this
three-month farce off in the ring; a shame neither of them can
wrestle.

Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble (with
Nidia).
Tajiri missesa big kick, and both men work the arm. Noble escapes
a Tarantula try and slips out, dropping Tajiri on the wall. Back
in, that gets 2. Noble works the arm some more, adding a
hammerlock suplex for 2. Noble goes back to the arm, but Tajiri
kicks him to break it. Tajiri sunset flips Noble for 2, and they
do a series of Mexican rolls before Tajiri gets another 2. Noble
rolls Tajiri up, but Tajiri bridges out at 2. The mutual
clothesline spot leaves both men down. Tajiri drop toeholds Noble
into the buckle, and busts out a German suplex with bridge for 2.
The handspring elbow gets 2, but Noble quickly rolls into the
Trailer Hitch. Nice. Tajiri makes the ropes. Noble stays near the
ropes to work the leg some more, so Tajiri hooks in the
Tarantula. He misses the buzzsaw kick, and Noble goes for the
Tiger Driver. Tajiri counters by catapulting him into the corner,
but Noble lands on the 2nd rope and leaps down. Tajiri kicks him
out of midair, then nails him with the Buzzsaw kick for the win
at 5:00. Noble continues to have matches different from the other
cruiserweights, but there were enough nice holds and counters to
make this one good and interesting.

Meanwhile, Team Angle has a mini
pep rally.

Charlie Haas (with Shelton
Benjamin and Kurt Angle) vs. Edge.
Benoit joins Edge for moral support as the match begins. Haas
takes Edge down, amateur-style, setting some some armwork by both
men. Haas suplexes Edge goes right to a wristlock. He escapes an
Edge suplex try, and its back to the arm again. Haas
shoulderblocks Edge down, but Edge hiptosses him and applies an
armbar. Haas fights out, only to get faceplanted for 2. Haas
busts out a nice overhead belly-to-belly suplex for 2, then
covers again for 2. Haas goes to the bow and arrow, forcing Edge
to fight out. Edge suplexes Haas, but Haas has a German waiting,
and it gets 2. Haas goes up and comes down with the Please
Counter Me leap, so Edge obliges with a kick to the gut. Edge
hits an overhead suplex of his own, and follows with the
Edge-O-Matic for 2. Edge flapjacks Haas as Benoit and Angle get
into it on the floor. Benjamin superkicks Benoit and gets on the
apron, where Edge spears him back to the floor. Another spear,
this one for Haas, and Angle pulls Edge off at 2. Haas whips Edge
into the ropes, where Angle whacks him with a crutch, and Haas
finishes with the EXPLODAH~! at 6:44. After the bell, Team Angle
beats down Edge until Benoit makes the save and scatters them. A
nice singles debut for Haas on Smackdown, as this was a solid
match with a good finish.

After the match, Benoit reminds
Angle that theres only so much time until he makes him tap.
He wants Benjamin right away, but not until weve had a
commercial.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Benoit.
No intros, and it looks like were picking this up after the
bell has rung. Benoit armdrags Benjamin down, then drop toeholds
his way out of a hammerlock before hitting another armdrag.
Benoit tries a Crossface, but Benjamin makes the ropes quickly.
Benoit chops him down, but Benjamin drags him out and tosses him
into the wall. Back in, Benjamin suplexes Benoit for 2 and goes
to the chinlock. He pounds Benoit down and hits a nice underhook
suplex for 2. Benjamin applies a rear chinlock, but Benoit
escapes with an electric chair. Benjamin dusts off the butterfly
suplex, for 2. Northern Lights suplex gets 2 for the rookie.
Bejamin rolls Benoit up for 2, then when that fails, backslides
him for 2. Nice little story there, as Benjamin is doing all he
can to put the veteran Benoit away, but none of it is working.
Benjamin looks frustrated, so Benoit capitalizes by bringing the
choppage. Benjamin rolls Benoit up and tries to use the ropes,
but the ref spies his skullduggery. Undaunted, Benjamin tries a
splash, but it misses, and Benoit busts out the trio of Germans.
He goes up and nails the Kamikaze headbutt, but grabs the
Crossface instead of going for the cover. That brings Angle out,
and Bejamin taps like Gregory Hines on Broadway while the ref is
busy with Kurt. Angle whacks Benoit with the crutch, and since
thats just cheating at Scrabble, its a DQ at 6:45.
Benoit recovers and puts Angle in the Crossface, but Team Angle
starts laying in the beats. Edge runs out for the save, but
eventually gets whacked with a crutch. Benoits suplexes cant
overcome the numbers advantage, and the beatdown that was started
earlier is finished. Angle adds the Anglelock to the helpless
Benoit. Another solid contest in a series of them tonight.
Benjamin already looks like hell be a good one, and putting
him in there with Benoit will only help that.

After the break, Dawn drags Al
into the shower, and I feel my gorge rising.

Shannon Moore (with Matt Hardy
v1.0) vs, Bill DeMott.
Matt takes the third seat at the annnounce table, and schools Taz
and Cole in Mattematics. DeMott grabs a headlock and hits a
swinging neackbreaker. Then we settle into this Thursday night
presentation of Headlocks: Variations On a Tedious Theme for a
while, until Moore gets some token jobber offense in. That lasts
as long as youd expect, and DeMott wins with the gutwrench
powerbomb

After the bell, Matt helps Shannon
to his feet, then surprises him with the Twist of Fate.

Cena and B-2 try to reprise their
rap, but they get waylaid from behind by Los Guerreros. B-2 and
Eddy gravitate toward the ring, setting up their match.

B-2 (with Ice Ice Cena) vs. Eddy
Guerrero (with Chavo Guerrero).
Eddy pounds B2 on the apron, then slingshots into the ring. E
works Cenas dawg over in the corner, but B2 military
presses Eddy. He adds the legdrop for 2, brother. More thrilling
punchy-kicky from B2, finally broken by Eddy kicking at his leg.
B2 clotheslines Eddy but misses a charge. Eddy escapes a suplex,
and B2 hits the rebound clothesline, with a fortunate
camera angle almost covering for him. B2 gets 2 off a Falcon
Arrow, but Eddy turns the tide with a Tilt-A-Whirl backbreaker.
Cena has the bling-bling chain on his fist, but Chavo alertly
spies that and pastes him with a tag title belt. Eddy back
suplexes B2 and finishes him with the Frog Splash at 4:10. Eddy
tried to drag a good match out of B2, but it just wasnt
there. They have a keeper in Cena, but not in this guy.

Meanwhile, Brock works out with
propane tanks.

After the break, Dawns
friskiness is countered by the fact that Al is sacked out. Or
dead. At this point, I wouldnt mind the latter, because
only HHH can no-sell death. Given the soap opera tendencies of
the writers, I'd bet on the latter.

Meanwhile, A-Train insists to Slow
and Heyman that any lessons taught to Brock will have to wait
until hes finished.

Main Event: A-Train vs. Brock
Lesnar.
Well, it was nice to have A-Train on Velocity while it lasted.
Sigh. A-Train controls the tieup, but Brock eventually powers him
into the corner and kicks his ass for a bit. A-Train elbows Brock
on a charge, but misses the bicycle kick. He does get the
Baldobomb, but just for 2. He doesnt use it as a finisher
anymore, so I guess killing it here doesnt matter. A-Train
pounds Brock and hotshots him, but Brock rallies with a
powerslam. He boots A-Train on a charge and nails a trio of
overhead suplexes. A-Train headbutts Brock to counter another
suplex try, but Brock shrugs that off and hits the F5 for the pin
at 3:01. At least three minutes keeps A-Trains mutant suck
factor in check. Speaking of mutants, give A-Train some blue
paint and he could play the Beast in the next X-Men sequel. Theyd
have on CGI, thats for sure. Anyway, pretty blah match,
especially for a main event, but at least it was short and
inoffensive.

After the match, Brock asks Paul
and Slow for his lesson. The lesson is that Brock cant beat
Slow, which is reinforced by Slow and Heyman leaving the
building.

Meanwhile, Al is apparently not
breathing, so Dawn summons the paramedics and spends the rest of
the scene in weepy melodrama mode. Hell, has Al been breathing
any of the times hes been on camera thus far? Christ, if
the paramedics are looking for signs of life, Al might die of old
age before they find them. The paramedics take Al away, Dawn
keeps up the fake crying, and the logo flashes.