How to steal a bicycle

My cycle helmet was stolen. I telephoned the police the following day to
report it. They had it but it was 'evidence' so I wasn't allowed to have it
back for about six weeks until the perpetrator had been to court and been
sentenced.

My cat was run over and a police office attended. 'We do not have a legal
responsibility to keep records of accidents involving cats so we don't'.

My bike was stolen from Cambridge Railway Station. 'We do not have
jurisdiction, you need to report it to the British Transport Police'. 'No, we
won't take any details of your bike in case we recover it'. 'No, we don't know
if the Transport Police will pass details on'.

In summary, if you want to steal a bicycle, nick it from the railway station
so the police won't have any records.