Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Obama Administration is planning a decade long effort to map the workings of the human brain. It will then turn those over to Congress to see if they can actually see what they could do if they actually tried using theirs.

A leading geneticist says that human intelligence is slowly declining. Apparently he came up with the idea after actually feeling himself becoming more stupid after watching episodes of “Jersey Shore”, “Honey Boo Boo” and “The Kardashians”.

A poll says that only 9% of Republicans are satisfied with the way the nation is going. The other 91% are not Wall Street bankers, oil company executives or health insurance companies.

A poll says that only 9% of Republicans are satisfied with the way the nation is going. Political experts were shocked. There are 9% of people who think things the country is going in the right direction?

Virgin Galactic will start offering space trips to ordinary people for $200,000. Of course, they need to realize that anyone with $200,000 lying around for a quick trip through the atmosphere is not exactly “ordinary”.

Virgin Galactic will start offering space trips to ordinary people for $200,000. Which is still about the price of an average cross country trip on an airline when you include the cost of a movie, drinks and all the fees.

Virgin Galactic will start offering space trips to ordinary people for $200,000. Or as NASA calls that, the price of a toilet seat.

The City of Baltimore has spent $600,000 on a study on how the city can save money. One idea is now that Ray Lewis is retired from the Ravens they can try to get all his murder trials moved to some other cities where he likes to spend his spare time.

The City of Baltimore has spent $600,000 on a study on how the city can save money. Apparently the people doing the study will tell them how they can save $600,000 just as soon as the check clears.

A study says that surfing the Internet for long periods of time can cause withdrawal symptoms. The study discovered that when they googled “rehab” and came up with “Google”.

A study says that surfing the Internet for long periods of time can cause withdrawal symptoms. There are a host of other injuries it can cause depending on what your wife sees you looking at.

Readers Digest is seeking bankruptcy protection. Ironically, the magazine has been condensed down to just Chapter 7 and Chapter 11.

Lab rats have been given a sixth sense with a new brain implant. Now if researchers could just come up with an implant for Congress that would give them some common sense.

Lab rats have been given a sixth sense with a new brain implant. Which means in the near future the price of having your fortune told will be down to a piece of cheese.

A study says that teen depression is linked to higher property crime and not violent crime. Or as most parents will tell you, teen depression is mostly tied to being a teen.

Gasoline prices are at a four month high after 32 straight days of price hikes. Apparently this is the time of year oil company executives like to start planning on which Mediterranean vacation home they would like to buy.

Horsemeat has now been found in Sweden and Finland. Ironically, horses that couldn’t make it to the finish line are now part of Finnish cuisine.

Office Max and Office Depot are said to be close to a merger. It’s a deal that makes sense. Think of all the money they will be saving on paperwork alone.

British shoppers are buying less meat ever since the horsemeat scandal came to light. But really, how bad can horsemeat be when you are living in a country that serves haggis, eel pie and crappit head?

A report says people’s sense of smell decreases with age. Which makes sense if you have ever taken a good whiff when visiting your grandparents’ house.

A Texas mom delivered quadruplets, which came as two sets of identical twins. The only problem will be keeping track of four kids named “Austin”.

A Texas mom delivered quadruplets, which came as two sets of identical twins. Which means going to Cowboys games will actually feel roomy after being cooped up in a womb with three other people for nine months.

A study says that educational TV can improve kids’ behavior. Apparently most kids will promise to do anything their parents want if they stop making them watch PBS.

Rapper Tim Dog has died at age 46. Which comes out to 322 in people years.

Rapper Tim Dog has died at age 46. The cause of death was listed in rapper terms as “old age”.

Britney Spears reportedly has a second offer for a Las Vegas residency. She is currently weighing out which mobile home has more amenities.

Britney Spears reportedly has a second offer for a Las Vegas residency. She is just checking with her kids to see which of the competing casinos has the craps tables they like best.

Paris Hilton spent her birthday in a hospital at Lake Tahoe with her boyfriend who suffered a skiing accident. Apparently he was coming down the slopes when she hit him with her car.

Khloe Kardashian has been fired as host of “The X Factor”. She says no one even gave her a Why Factor.

Khloe Kardashian has been fired as host of “The X Factor”. Apparently producers are going to start a new show to audition people to be the host of “The X Factor”.

Roger Clemens says he won’t lose sleep over not being selected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Apparently the only time he really loses any sleep is when the steroids occasionally rev him up again.

Former Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton says that Dallas isn’t really a baseball town. Of course, he says that after moving to Anaheim where the most popular hat in town has mouse ears.

The Cubs and WGN may part ways when their contract is up after the 2014 season. WGN has televised Cubs games since 1948. It is the longest running heartbreak on TV since “As The World Turns”.

The Army has designed octopus-like suction cups for robots. And they wonder why we are still fighting losing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Silicon Valley tech firms are looking to online gambling as the next billion dollar business. If people spend their time building up a fake farm business, imagine how easy it will be to get them to spend their money on blackjack.

Mississippi has ratified the 13th Amendment outlawing slavery 148 years after it was originally passed. Next they will look at the Bill of Rights, and after that may even check out the rest of the 27 Amendments.

Mississippi has ratified the 13th Amendment outlawing slavery 148 years after it was originally passed. It has cost them a lot of business. Apparently, before this latest development Nike was all set to open a new shoe factory there.

Florida reports a record 89.3 Million tourists visited the state in 2012. Approximately 3.2 Million of them are still stuck behind someone driving 20 mph down the freeway with their turn signal continually blinking.

Florida reports a record 89.3 Million tourists visited the state in 2012. Apparently as many as seven of them went to watch a Miami Marlins baseball game.

U.S. lawmakers are calling the IOC dropping of wrestling from the Olympics a “worldwide injustice”. They also said “Oh, yeah, they way they are killing and torturing people in China and North Korea is bad, too.”

A bill allowing people to salvage meat from roadkill has been passed in Montana. Apparently legislators are figuring if the government is going to enforce gun control, their people will still be able to eat.

A bill allowing people to salvage meat from roadkill has been passed in Montana. People will just have to be careful not to run over any animals on Friday during Lent.

Michelle Obama joked that her idea for bangs was a result of a “midlife crisis”. Bangs coming from a midlife crisis is the exact same reason given to stop gun control from the NRA.

The TSA says that travelers left $500,000 at airport checkpoints last year. Apparently after going through a body search some people just automatically feel the need to leave a tip.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is that time of year again...when I ask for money. Not for me, for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in memory of my wife Karen. Just click on the icon and give what you can for the Great Strides Walk coming up in May. You can also still feel free to send the love!