Olivia's story

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Rainbow baby Lucas Oliver

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother.She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh andLife ain't always what you think it ought to be, noAin't even grey, but she buries her babyThe sharp knife of a short life, wellI've had, just enough time

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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Hooray for me, I've already completed all of my work for my online class for the week and it's not even due till Friday. And I read the chapter we are supposed to be going over in my first class tomorrow night.

But ugh. I don't know whether I should be glad or bummed that I'm not having to read a novel a week (or mostly pretend to) and bs my way through an essay about it. I mean, I was good at that. But I'm pretty good at science too. It's just not what I'm used to anymore, it has been *so long* since I've taken a science class or a class that wasn't English or teaching. (Although when I was teaching at the alternative school, I technically sorta taught science. Scary thought.)

Thank goodness for community college. I can't remember the last time I was in a class when the teacher dropped your lowest quiz AND your lowest test grade for the semester, but since I have my plate a bit full with a nine month old who is determined to eat dog food (daily) and is on a sleeping strike, volunteering twice a week, class twice a week and online, I am not going to complain about that one bit. I don't think even in my high school/college credit A&P class we got to drop anything, but maybe I'm not remembering because high school was forever ago. Anyway, taking medical terminology (online class) with A&P turns out to be a pretty good idea because the first chapters are pretty much the same so as long as I memorize all of the stuff I need (in my case, re-memorize), it's the same for 3 classes, at least for this week. And it's all stuff I've learned before so hopefully it won't take too much to stick. Unlike English classes, this stuff you can't really BS your way through.

Anyway, speaking of being back to school, this is the first time I've been in class since we had kids. And just like with my other online classes from years ago, they have a first week "introduce yourself and tell us 2 things about you" assignment. (Unlike my other classes, I don't have to go and respond to 5 people's introductions. Hooray for that.) Everyone is saying stuff about their major and family, pretty much, and I'm a follower. So I mention that I was a teacher and am going back to school, and that we have two dogs, a baby boy, and a daughter who died. Yep, I totally did. I kind of feel trapped into it, because I feel like I have to mention that I have a baby at home in case something comes up related to him (although it shouldn't really be an issue with my online class really, except I could just see him coming over and smacking some keys on my laptop and messing up my test or something while I'm trying to take it.) And then if I mention him, I sorta have to mention her. And I guess I could have nonchalantly just said "I have two kids." So anyway, I debated on what to "say" (write), if I should say it, how to say it...for much too long. And in the process, I was thinking, why is this taking me so long, I've done this a million times, I took online classes fulltime for over two years...and then I realized, oh yeah, that was before.

In the end, my intro went "My name is x , I am studying diagnostic medical sonography after teaching a few years. I have two big annoying dogs (husky and german shepherd), and a nine month old son and a daughter who passed away shortly after she was born." As matter of factly as if I'm saying I'm wearing a blue shirt today. And I guess I didn't have to, but I so rarely mention Olivia to strangers anyway, in this online environment at least, I felt like I needed to. So there it is.

I am really hoping that we don't have to do introductions in my real person classes tomorrow and Thursday, though.

"As matter of factly as if I'm saying I'm wearing a blue shirt today" it does feel like that when I say it out loud! What a thing to share and yet that is our reality. I agree with you, I will never feel like I can mention my son without my daughter. Plus I think it's great you say it, if more of us say it, the less taboo it is and we need it to be something people know.

I think it's so important to own our losses and our tragedies. To insist that sadness is not home film that grief is not mbarrassing. It's a shitty burden to have to bear, but I'm glad you mentioned Olivia. I've also found that the more I share my sadness, the more other people tend to respond by being open about their grief or struggles. Not always, but often enough that I know it matters.

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What is a rainbow baby?

Rainbow baby is the term for a baby after the loss of a previous child.It is the understanding that a rainbow's beauty does not negate the ravages of the storm.When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happenedor that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.What it means is that something beautiful and full of lighthas appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.

About Me

I am a former teacher, currently staying at home with our rainbow baby. Our daughter, Olivia Caetlyn, was born at 23w2d on September 28,2009 with a tiny cry and passed away shortly after her birth. (Due to HELLP syndrome, possible pre-eclampsia, and growth restriction.) Rainbow baby Lucas Oliver was born healthy in late April, after a stressful but overall healthy pregnancy. You can contact me at angiew901@msn.com.