Does being massively fat equate to NFL coaching success?

I’ve been thinking about this topic for a while now. The very basic thought that first sparked deeper thinking on this topic arose from this hypothetical scenario: if I were an NFL player and I was told to run extra wind sprints because I ran the wrong route or something, would I harbor any extra resentment if I were told to do this by a super fat coach? Answer: yes.

Well, I decided to study this notion a bit further. I have put together a statistical study so sophisticated that MIT just offered me an honorary PhD in math. Margin for error, zero.

NFL coaches in this study are each assigned to one of 4 weight categories: fit, normal, overweight and massively fat. The success rating is determined by using a 10 point scale. Added weight (pun intended) is given to those coaches who have led their teams deep into the playoffs (except for Brad Childress because he’s a tool).

Here is a rundown of present NFL coaches, their weight, and their success rating:

Mike McCarthy – overweight; 7

Brad Childress – normal; 6

Jim Schwartz – fit; 3

Lovie Smith – overweight; 6

Mike Shanahan – fit; 7

Andy Reid – massively fat; 8

Tom Coughlin – normal; 8

Wade Phillips – overweight; 7

Sean Payton – fit; 9

John Fox – overweight; 6

Mike Smith – overweight; 8

Raheem Morris – fit, 3

Pete Carroll – fit; 7 (likely rating after a few NFL years – he will be good)

Ken Whisenhunt – fit; 9

Mike Singletary – fit; 6

Steve Spagnuolo – fit; 3

Tom Cable – overweight; 4

Josh McDaniels – fit; 6

Todd Haley – fit; 3

Norv Turner – normal; 7

Mike Tomlin – fit; 9

John Harbaugh – fit; 8

Marvin Lewis – normal; 6

Eric Mangini – overweight; 5

Bill Behlicheck – overweight, 9

Tony Sparano – overweight, 6

Rex Ryan – massively fat, 8

Chan Gailey – overweight, 5

Jim Caldwell – overweight, 8

Jeff Fisher – normal, 7

Jack Del Rio – normal, 6

Gary Kubiak, normal 5

Results of this scientific, incredibly accurate study?

12 fit coaches – average skill level of 6.083

7 normal coaches – average skill level of 6.429

11 overweight coaches – average skill level of 6.4545

2 massively fat coaches – average skill level of 8

So, the best coaches overall are massively fat, followed by overweight, then normal and the worst coaches are fit. Perhaps the extra resentment some players may feel when yelled at by fatter coaches is somehow channeled into a focused anger that is then taken out on the field during games, leading to higher quality play.

Dave – total hunch. I’m guessing that he’s figured some stuff out since his last NFL stint. And because Seattle is coming off a bad year fraught with controversy/negativity, his smiley-guy, positive persona will go over really well with players and management. (Even the constant Seattle rain can’t dampen this guy’s spirits.) It just feels like one of those right guy, right time, right place scenarios.

I would agree to a point with Carroll’s persona, but I think he bailed on USC when he saw the NCAA sanctions train coming… He saw it could be bad, it would get tied to him and he would lose some of the luster around his college resume, so he took off and left it to someone else to clean up. Ironically, USC chooses Kiffin who was probably a co-conspirator with his recruiting practices that were documented during his short tenure with the Vols. Just seems “weasle-ly” to me. Makes me believe he will bail on Seattle too if they aren’t successful and some college team comes calling.

Along those lines, while not Packer or NFL-related, same scenario with Calipari at Memphis and now UK. I predict he will bail in the next 2-3 years when some story/stories leak about his team from last season. I put him on that same weasel list (Kiffin, Carroll, Calipari, Rodriguez, Petrino, Saban, Kelly, Crean, Sampson). Wow, that list was off the top of my head and it was way to long. You must have to sell part of your soul to be a D1 coach in a major program.

He is one committed dude, and he has put in a lot of work to get better. The way he looks now, with 2 months till opening kickoff, I think he’s going to make it. Of course it’s a different story once the pads come on, but he’s moving very fluently, and you can tell he can withstand pressure on his leg. Perfect example is when he is jumping out of the water holding weights. Obviously his knee has come along very nicely, and with all the work he is putting in, it will get stronger and stronger. I really do feel he’ll have the strength back by the time the season starts just by seeing where he’s at, and how hard he’s working.

The guy deserves this. He has put everything into his rehab, and is one great guy. The speed of his recovery is remarkable considering how badly it was injured. Watch the whole set of his recovery videos. They are great to see, and he’s working with some great people who are making sure he gets to where he needs to be.

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Trav – by the way, I think you’re right about Carroll. His clean-cut image seems to be false (and wasn’t there even an affair with a cheerleader thrown in there).

That said, I still just think he fits with the Seattle way. I could be wrong, but it really seems like the right coach at the right time. In particular, I think he will almost single-handedly resurrect Matt Hasselbeck’s career.

Hey… I don’t know if you’ve been making changes, but your pages aren’t displaying correctly for me. The borders of the text are overlapping. Everything was working the other day. I don’t know if it’s my end or if you’ve made a change… Just thought you might want to look at it. Thanks! Gwen Borras

Please re do this to show the success in winning super bowls, winning games is important but the goal is to win a ring, right? I’m talking about the whole history of the super bowl, the last 45 years, I would be very interested in seeing the results. Thanks