Thank you. Thank you Heidi. Thank you everybody. Welcome to
Tool Time. I am Tim "the Toolman" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al
"Next Time Light A Match" Borland.

Al:

Well today we're introducing a brand new segment right here on
Tool Time.

Tim:

That's right, it's called the unsung heroes of the job site. [Music
starts]

Al:

[singing and marching on the spot] He gets no thanks and that ain't
right. He's an unsung hero of the job site. [Dirty look from Tim to Al] You know when people think
about construction, well, they always think about the glory jobs.

Tim:

Yeah, your, your drywallers, your back holers, your trench diggers. What
about the guys who work hard but don't get any glory?

Al:

Yeah! What about us?

Tim:

I said Unsung Heroes, not Unsung Zeroes. Today we're going to
meet the man who services these bad boys. If you think your job stinks wait till you meet this guy.
Premier Porta-Potty-Papa Frank Dougan, come on out Frank.

Frank:

How you doin' Tim [Goes to shake Tim's hand - Tim recoils] I
get that a lot y'know

Tim:

Oh, man...So Frank, how d'ya get into the portapotty
business?

Frank:

Well, you know I just kind of fell into it.

Al:

So Frank, you want to tell us how you keep these things
maintained?

Frank:

Oh, you betcha Al. You know what I got is I got me a big old 20
foot suction hose and I got that sucker hooked up to my pumper truck and on the back I got a 800
gallon tank

Al:

800?

Frank:

Yeah

Tim:

[Grunt] You got it made boy. Good job, huge hose
and a big truck.

Frank:

Well that's true Tim, but y'know there's one thing I don't get. Respect.
You know people walk up to one of these Porta-Potties and they look at it and the stand there and they
say - I'll wait.

Tim:

That's gotta hurt too. I like Porta-Potties. I like these
things. I wish I had one sitting next to my couch in the living room. During the football season, I'd
never have to leave the room.

Al:

Course, everyone else would.

Tim:

Frank, why don't you tell us all about this 35 gallon polyurethane
bad boy.

Frank:

Oh, you bet. Well Tim, as you can see, it's very spacious, totally
clean, it'll accommodate either one of your sexes - most importantly of all, perfectly private. [Closes
door]

Tim:

There's a man who takes a pride in his work. Glorifies his
job.

Al:

Truly the unsung hero of the jobsite.

Tim:

Right Frank, come on out and show us how you move these jobsite
to jobsite. Frank [Knocks on door]

Frank:

Err Tim, it's going to be about another minute.

Al:

[Music starts again ] He gets no thanks and that ain't right. [Tim
joins in]He's an unsung hero of the job site.

[Opening credits]

Taylor house kitchen.

[Brad enters by the back door.]

Brad:

Hi Mom, Hi Dad.

Tim:

Hi Brad

Jill:

Where were you? You were supposed to
have back from school an hour ago.

Brad:

I stayed late. I just wanted to soak up some extra
knowledge.

Jill:

By any chance, were you soaking up that extra knowledge in
detention?

Brad:

Hey. Knowledge is knowledge.

Jill:

I can't believe you Brad.

Brad:

Mom and Dad. It's not that big a deal. I mean I've had detention
before.

Jill:

It's the first day of school! No-one ever gets detention on the first
day of school

Tim:

I wouldn't say no-one

Jill:

What did you do?

Tim:

NOTHING! Bruce Tyler was throwing spit-wads at me. I had to
do something.

Jill:

I meant Brad. What did you do to get detention?

Brad:

Nothing.

Jill:

I see, so this is just one of those "Come and get to know the other
delinquents" sort of things

Yes. Uh huh. Sure. Breakfast would be fine. I get up pretty...he
wants to have breakfast at 6 a.m.? Sure I'll just move my lunch to 9:30. Yes I know where it is. I'll be
there. Thank you very much. Goodbye. [Hangs up the phone] Having a little breakfast meeting with
Bud Harper. No problem.

Al:

Well thank goodness. You know a guy doesn't take you out to
breakfast to fire you.

Jill:

Actually, sometimes he does.

Al:

Oh, I knew breakfast was a bad idea.

Jill:

Well it's not always bad. It depends what he orders. If he orders a
full breakfast, you're fine, but if he just orders coffee it means he wants to get out of there fast and
you're history.

Tim:

Where d'ya come up with that theory?

Jill:

When I worked as a cashier in high school, I got fired over coffee,
when I was fired from the bookstore: coffee, when I was fired from the diner: coffee to go.

Tim:

Have you ever kept a job? [Jill gives Tim a dirty look]

Diner.

[Tim is coloring in the menu with crayons]

Tim:

There's gotta be a way out of this thing.

Bud:

[Bud enters] Tim

Tim:

WHAT?

Bud:

Bud Harper

Tim:

Oh, Bud Harper.

Bud:

Hey, hey. Good to see you.

Tim:

Good to see you. Heard a lot about you.

Bud:

Oh, well thank you. Come on sit down, sit down. Sorry I'm
late.

Tim:

That's OK, I was working.

Waitress:

What can I get you guys?

Tim:

Big breakfast. Have a big one, a big breakfast.
Er, er, eggs and
pancakes, toast, some breakfast meats, the whole left side of the menu. Same for you, Bud?

Bud:

Oh, no, no, no, no. Just coffee for me.

Tim:

Oh no. Oh no. You gotta have breakfast. It is the foundation meal
of the whole day.

Bud:

No. Just coffee.

Tim:

A lot of coffee. Bring a whole bunch of coffee.

Bud:

Er, now Tim. I need to talk to you about your show. I had my
people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me.

Tim:

Bud. Can I call you Bud?

Bud:

Absolutely.

Tim:

You shouldn't listen to what your people say because my people
give me the wrong information all the time.

Bud:

According to my people, you don't have people. [Waitress arrives
with two mugs of coffee]

I've always loved Binford Tools, yeah. I think Tool Time is a great
show.

Tim:

You do?

Bud:

That's right. And together we can break out of the local market
and take this show national.

Tim:

Yeah, you mean like, all over Michigan?

Bud:

No, no, no, no, no, like all over the country. I plan to sink major
dollars into this show. Build new sets. We'll start out in ten new markets and as the show becomes
more profitable, your salary will be commensurate.

Tim:

Oh boy. There's always a catch isn't there.

Bud:

You'll make more money

Tim:

Oh, that commensurate. Yeah!

Bud:

Now.. Tim, there's an aspect of Tool Time I need to talk to you
about.

Tim:

Shoot.

Bud:

Yeah, well, When I was watching the show there was one thing that, I
don't know, just rubbed me the wrong way.

Well I know you guys have been together a long time and I just -
[Tim gestures six fingers to Bud] -- six years. Oh well, good, well. I'm going to put this as delicately
as possible. You gotta dump him.

[Commercial break]

Diner.

Tim:

Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al. Everybody loves
Al.

Bud:

Whoa, whoa, no not everybody. Now, we did some audience
testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers.

Tim:

I don't put much stock in audience testing.

Bud:

Well now, you tested through the roof

Tim:

On the other hand it's quite a valuable tool.

Bud:

Oh, audiences love you. Of course they don't love you as much as
they love Heidi.

Tim:

Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than
me?

Bud:

Heidi tested better than Santa Claus. [Enter waitress carrying two
plates of food, and followed by a waiter carrying more food]

Waitress:

OK, here are your eggs dishes.

Tim:

That's great

Waitress:

Your hot cereals and your breakfast meats will be out in a
minute.

Tim:

You know, I'm really adamant about this with Al. I have
to-

Waitress:

You get your choice of bacon, ham or sausage

Tim:

Sausage. The reason I think Al-

Waitress:

Links or patties?

Tim:

I'll take the links, please. The first thing is-

Waitress:

Mild or Spicy?

Tim:

JUST SURPRISE ME! [Waitress leaves in a bit of a
huff]

Tim:

Um, I don't much care about your testing really because Al is a big
hit with the seniors. If you go to any early bird specials in this city you hear people talking about Al
Borland.

Bud:

Yeah but, that's the problem. The senior crowd have already
bought their tools. We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip.

Tim:

I've been together with Al for six years though

Waitress:

OK, you got fourteen plates of potatoes coming.

Tim:

That's, that's just great Dolores.

Waitress:

OK, I got hash browns, home fries or O'Brians.

Tim:

Am I your only customer?

Waitress:

No, but you're my favorite.

Bud:

Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime. You
can make a lot more money and be a star. Look, I want you to go toe to toe with Bob Vila and crush
him like a bug.

Tim:

Crush him like a bug. [Turns towards the kitchen] MORE
COFFEE!

Bud:

Yeah, you like that don't you.

Tim:

Yeah, crush him like a bug.

Bud:

Yeah!

Tim:

Yeah!

Bud:

Then you know what you gotta do?

Tim:

Yeah, what?

Bud:

Fire Al.

Tim:

You want me to fire Al?

Bud:

Well I can't do it. My grandmother loves Al.

Cut to Taylor family living room.

Mark:

Brad, what's detention like?

Brad:

It's a drag. They sit you in a room, then they yell at you, and
finally they make you do your homework.

Randy:

It's just like being at home.

Jill:

Except I can't get you to do your homework.

Randy:

Neither could they. That's why Brad'll be a little late today
too.

Brad:

Will you shut up!

Jill:

You got detention in detention?

Brad:

Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.

Jill:

It's never your fault.

Brad:

Hey, thanks for understanding. [Leaves via the back
door]

Jill:

[Calling after Brad] We're going to talk about this later. You better
not get any more detention. [Follows out the back door.]

Taylor family back garden.

[Jill emerges from the living room with a
bag of rubbish]

Jill:

Hi Wilson.

Wilson:

Well Hidy-ho neighbourette.

Jill:

How'd you like an obnoxious teenaged son for the next few
years?

Wilson:

Well, it wouldn't be first on my wishlist.

Jill:

It's not first on mine either but I don't have a choice and I've got
two more hot on his heels.

Wilson:

Well Brad is a good kid, I'm sure it's just a phase.

Jill:

Well I hope so. He's driving me crazy. It's the first day of high
school and he's already mouthing off and getting into trouble.

Wilson:

H'Hmmm. H'Hmmm. H'Hmmm.

Jill:

What happened to my sweet little boy?

Wilson:

Well, Jill if it's any consolation to you, I myself was quite the
rapscallion when I was Brad's age.

Jill:

That's hard to believe.

Wilson:

Oh, yes indeedy. I was a holy terror.

Jill:

What could you possibly have done?

Wilson:

Well, I'm afraid to admit it, but when I was in high school. I
was playing chess with my father. And he had me hopelessly cornered and I, being the incorrigable
rebel, refused to concede.

Jill:

And I thought Brad was bad.

Wilson:

It gets worse. So for punishment, he sent me up to my room
and instead, I snuck out a window, across the state line and went to a Monet exhibit

Jill:

You were a wild one.

Wilson:

Oh yes I was. And look how normal I turned out.

Back in Taylor family kitchen.

[Tim enters via the front door]

Tim:

Hi Honey.

Jill:

Hi! What's in the bags?

Tim:

Oh, about three hundred different kinds of sausage, 800 pounds of
potatoes.

Jill:

Well what happened with Bud Harper?

Tim:

Well he'd like to sink more money into the show and take Tool
Time national.

Jill:

What? National, that's terrific. That's going to be great for you and
Al.

Tim:

Well, it's going to be a lot greater for me than
it will be for Al.

Jill:

What you you mean by that?

Tim:

Well, if we make the move to national, we'll make more money
and Al will make- before taxes-nothing.

Jill:

He's going to fire Al?

Tim:

No, no, no - he wants me to fire Al.

Jill:

Well that's terrible, I can't believe they'd put you in that position.

Tim:

Me either. I can't fire Al.

Jill:

Of course you can't.

Tim:

But if I don't fire Al, they're not going to put the money into Tool
Time and there goes my dream. Taking the show national, making more money, buying that vacation
home we've been thinking about.

Well I thought that I could count on you, but obviously all you can
think about is yourself. I guess you just forgot about a little word called loyalty. [Al leaves by the front
door]

Tim:

Would you remind me one more time why I am giving up my
dream for that man

Jill:

OK, OK, OK ... Nothing's coming.

Tim:

Yeah. Are you saying I should fire Al?

Jill:

I'm not saying that.

Tim:

You're implying it

Jill:

I'm not implying that

Tim:

Would you imply it. Please, please, please.

Jill:

I mean how could you fire Al? He's like part of our family

Tim:

I just treat him like a member of your side.

Tool Time set.

Bud:

Hey, hey. There's my man Tim. Tim, how're you doing.

Tim:

Pretty good, Bud.

Bud:

Good to see you.

Tim:

Heard you drive up. Sounds like a big block you
got there.

Bud:

Good ear. Hey Tim, I need to talk to you. I want to set up some
interviews with new assistants.

Tim:

Don't bother. I've thought about it and I'm not doing the show
without Al.

Bud:

What are you talking about?

Tim:

That's my decision. Even if it means staying right where I
am

Bud:

Tim, I don't understand you. Why are you going to the mat for
this guy? [Al appears in the "Tool Time" doors, about to enter the set, but hears the conversation and
hovers in the doorway.] The only thing Al Borland has ever done for you is drag you down.

Tim:

No, I'm not doing the show without Al. He's a great tool man, he
can fix anything and besides that, he's my friend.

Bud:

Tim, you're making a really bad business decision.

Tim:

I don't see it that way. My gut tells me your tests are wrong.
America would love Al because Al loves America.

Al:

[Emerging from the doorway] I do. [Tim and Bud turn towards
Al]

Tim:

Al, we were j- we were just talking about you.

Al:

I heard.

Bud:

Al, listen, it's nothing personal, I just don't think your style is right
for the show.

Tim:

Wait, w.. w.. w.. wait a minute. I think you're wrong. I mean, is
this man boring? Yes. Is he dull beyond belief? You bet. A fashion nightmare? Tell me somethin' I
don't know! Anybody can be hip or exciting. One man dares to be dull. One man has the courage to
be monotonous, tedious and uninteresting. That man is Al Borland.

Al:

Thank you Tim

Tim:

But it's the interplay between us that makes the show
popular.

Bud:

Well Tim, I respect your opinion, but it's just your opinion and it's
my money.

Al:

Well Tim is not interested in your money.

Tim:

Shut up, Al.

Tim:

Give me some time to prove to you that we have what it takes to
go national. Put me in ten cities.

Bud:

No, no, no no way.

Tim:

Give me eight cities.

Bud:

No, no, no, forget it.

Tim:

Five cities, Bud.

Bud:

Tim. You know you're a loyal guy. You went to bat for a friend
and I respect that. I'll put you in two new markets.

Al:

We'll take it.

Bud:

It's not up to you

Al:

Well, of course not. [Bows head and backs away]

Tim:

Done deal.

Bud:

Alright. Good luck. You've got six months to prove
yourself.

Tim:

We won't let you down Bud. [Bud and Tim shake hands. Al goes
to shake Bud's hand, but Bud ignores him and leaves the set]

Al:

I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Here I said all those horrible
things and you were just standing up for me.

Tim:

Don't give it another thought. You would have done the same for
me.

Al:

No, no, I am lucky to have a friend like you. You're as big as they
come.

Tim:

Oooooaaaaaaaahhh. You're getting that
"I'm going to hug you"
look and I don't like that Al.

Al:

Just a little one

Tim:

No, Al I don't-

Al:

Oh come on -[Al grabs a hold of Tim and hugs him. Tim
cringes]

Tim:

You're pushing me. You're fired!

Al:

I am not you big friend you.

Later on in the studio.

Tim:

[Al enters] I've been waiting for you. I want to show you
something - unless you want to change first [Al is carrying a hanger with a shirt on it, identical to the
one he is wearing.]

No, no, no. I made some adjustments. A few
modifications, OK?. [Tim
opens and enters the Porta-Potty] You know how those guys eat on the job site, I got a man size-
[Holds up a 2 foot long match] -air freshener. [Al lets the door shut on Tim] Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait-I'm going to take this Porta-Potty where it's never been before, OK. I'm going to make it easier
to move move from jobsite to jobsite.

Al:

And how are you going to do that?

Tim:

Small motor. [Tim turns and pulls the starter cord, closes the door
and drives off in the Porta-Potty. Heidi enters.]

Al:

And they were going to fire me?

CREDITS

Replay of the Tim/Al hug scene ending with Tim and Al falling over on
the floor.

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