Tag Archives: counting blessings

The phone rang earlier today. It said private withheld, so I answered it; ninety nine times out of hundred, that means it’s someone working for the NHS calling. And it was — it was Dr. K. She was checking to see if I’d seen anyone since seeing her last, as that was quite a bit back now. I confirmed that I had, and was about due another appointment, but that I wasn’t too fussed because I’m doing well. She was happy to hear that, but it wasn’t the main reason she called…

She had called to ask if I’d heard anything in regards to my ADHD diagnosis referral. She’s been fighting tooth and nail to get that sorted for me for some time now, even though it’s not technically her job. It’s my GP’s job — referrals for that sort of diagnosis comes from GP surgeries. I’d given up on it ever coming through, but said it had been approved! She confirmed that she would continue to chase them up to make sure I was properly informed of what I needed to be doing, but man.

Mang.

So much relief. Like, I was surprised by how much weight off of my shoulders it took off. I almost cried. I’ve been scatterbrained and unable to focus well since the call, because shit. I’ve been trying to get this through for years now, and have been grateful for Dr. K’s efforts on my behalf because it’s gotten a lot worse in the past year or two. Like ‘possible danger to myself and others’ levels, in my own opinion. So knowing that it’s moved that step closer to actually happening is just… well. You get the idea. I’m sure the husband will be happy to see it sorted too, if only so he can talk to me and know I’m not accidentally ignoring him, ha ha. It took until fairly recently for him to process that I wasn’t being intentionally rude. I wasn’t ignoring him. It wasn’t going in my head, but I was good at faking acknowledging faces because that’s part of coping with people and ADHD.

I just wanted to get it out of my head while it was fresh. I’ll make sure to share more when I know more.

<3

[[radio edit]] Just to clarify — this is not the diagnosis. This is the *referral* for diagnosis. Yes, I know, I think it’s pretty dumb too, but that’s how it’s done here apparently. Never mind that my psychs can tell I have it, etc.

Okay so like, I’ve actually been actively avoiding blogging here for a few weeks. Why? Because I went on vacation. It was a great vacation, fyi — I think I managed to relax for the first time in my life. But as Natasha Tracy points out, vacations can make bipolar worse. But I did everything right, and on the base of good health. I kept my sleep routine pretty close to normal. We didn’t change time zones; we ended up on the Isle of Wight, so still in the same country. My husband and I already had a pre-kid established vacation pattern of doing very little on a day to day basis, and that works well with kids. My in-laws were also there, but outside of dinners, we mainly did our own thing and they mainly did theirs. I hope that in future years we do a bit more together, but we’ll see how that goes.

But yes, doing well! Which is good, considering that I have no idea when I’m actually supposed to see Dr. K next. I know nothing about where my ADHD referral stands. My prescriptions keep getting messed up; this has hit the point where I’m probably going to have to book in with my GP and go over the entire list together to figure out why it keeps getting messed up. I know my Depakote got bumped back up to 500mg twice a day because of a way out-of-date letter surfacing claiming it to be such; I got the GP to change it back to ‘right’ grudgingly by pointing out that the dose at that level gave me never-ending blinding headaches.

That’s about all I can think to say right now, so I’ll pootle off and try to think bedward thoughts.

My body has continued to make sure that I understand fully that I might not be outwardly stressed, but inwardly is — my right eye has been twitching as if it were trying to take flight for days now, and I developed a huge fever blister. Thanks body, here I am trying to take the high road on something causing me anxiety, and you make me out to be a liar! Hrmph! Having said that, I decided to quit waiting for Instagram to actually engage in customer service, and set up a new account. I think the only one of y’all following it was Laura, but if any of y’all are bored enough to want to see pictures of me, my kids, and crap on my desk, you’re welcome to come join the party!

Anxiety aside, I’ve been doing really well. I’m relieved that the current medicine combination continues to do such a good job of keeping my bipolar in line. I feel pretty solid, you know? And it’s been long enough since the current combination was put into play that I, for the most part, have kind of mentally blocked/forgotten what ‘normal’ felt like. I prefer this normal, yanno? The normal that has me smiling and laughing and being involved in my family’s life (or as much as crippling chronic fatigue will let me be). Naw, my only complaint on that front is that I still have no idea when I’m going to see my psych next, but I’m not complaining at this second because it means that it’s increasingly less likely that the letter is going to come inviting me to attend while I’m on vacation!

Wait, was was the crazy mail then?!

Now, the crazy mail was unexpected goodness. Even if it didn’t have its usual private andconfidentialacross it, I just knew it was a letter from the mental health ward. To my massive surprise and pleasure, it was a copy of a letter from Dr. K to my GP (Dr. N) asking him to get on the ball with my ADHD referral. I got myself excited and misread it as saying that she’d organised the funding as well, but still. It’s amazing to see that she’s working so hard to push this through me. Yeah, I know that she said she was going to do just that, but it’s still edifying to have the proof in your hands. It’s still not a pinned down, confirmed and paid for referral, but it means a lot to me that someone is out there trying to help me improve my quality of life in more ways than one.

Anyhoos, it’s Monday, and that’s my ‘day off’, so I am going to get back to zoning out while the littlest has her nap. Hope all of y’all out there are doing well.

Equanimity has been something that I have been seeking my entire life. Between untreated mental health issues and my not-than-healthy growing up home life, I tended to be a violent, angry lashy person. I’m sure that would surprise a lot of people who have only known me the last couple of years, as I’ve been able to make massive personal improvements with my improved circumstances. I’m still not perfect — I still have a tendency to blow up over little things, but! The blow up of today is miniscule compared to the nuclear blasts of the Beforetimes (go go oblique book reference!).

So yes, bit of background proffered, and on to yesterday. Yesterday, I woke up with a message from a friend that my Instagram account had been hacked. As I’d linked it with Facebook it wasn’t too hard to get it back and change the password, but the damage was already done — the spambutt (as I’m calling the person who took my account for that bit of time) had followed thousands of accounts. Thousands. Considering the number before that was something like, 114… yeah, naw. And oh, Instagram locks you out if you try to delete ‘too many’ accounts, so I only managed to pare a thousand and a bit off before it wouldn’t let me unfollow anyone. Add in it being a holiday weekend in the States, and I can’t get anyone working for Instagram to freaking respond to my requests for help (or at the very least, to not get locked out for trying to tidy up shop).

I think that most people would be annoyed and stressed if that happened to them. After all, both are reasonable and healthy responses to an upsetting situation. But somehow, I took it mainly on the chin. Yes, I’m frustrated, and yes, I’m annoyed… but I’m not screaming or sobbing or throwing things outside of a few minutes of original ‘please children adults are talking ktnx’ terseness yesterday morning while we tried to sort out what was going on. And since I can’t do anything with it right now, as much as it annoys me, I’m doing my best to do other things to distract from fixating on it. Could I do better? Sure. One can always do better. But compared to what used to be ‘normal’, I’m freakin’ Buddha on a cloud here.

So yeah, doing alright. Better than alright in that aspect. I felt that I deserved to pat myself on the back for that sort of thing, because maybe it’s a minor step to others, it’s a huge one for me.

So apparently, I was incredibly wrong about something. It turns out that Dr. K wasn’t leaving — she was about to go on vacation and wanted the matter of my Seroquel resolved before she left! Oh man, I cannot express how huge a relief it was to walk into the hospital today and see her face.

And it was a productive, blessedly short appointment! Like, we’re talking 15 minutes with a lot crammed in. She called my GP to remind them to get back to her about the ADHD referral while I was there, which was a nice touch. We also discussed the meds plan for the next bit. We upped the Zoloft to the maximum dose (from 150mg to 200mg). We are both down with making the Depakote go away since it’s not really helping and the side effects are pissing me off. She wants to switch me to another mood stabiliser… I think it was Abilify? Doctors here always use the not-brand name for meds, which is why I know how to say things like quetiapine. ¬¬ She didn’t want to start me on it now though ’cause I pointed out that even if I’m feeling stabler with the Seroquel back to the extended release, I’m still dealing with depression and anxiety out of the aether. She said that whatever it was she had to mind could have increased anxiety in the first week or two, and she didn’t want to make worse what was already going on. Fair enough. I just like knowing that we have a plan of action.

As for how I’m feeling… ask me tomorrow, ha ha. Today has been a hella busy day, well beyond what I normally can tolerate. Tomorrow is also a return to status normal here at ours, as the bigger kiddo will be back in school after the two week Easter holiday. I love her very much and enjoy her company, but her being back at school means that I will be able to get myself and the little one back on the ‘proper’ day schedule. Smallest permitting, I am going to have a grand day of not having to deal with people for a few hours.

So apparently, I was incredibly wrong about something. It turns out that Dr. K wasn’t leaving — she was about to go on vacation and wanted the matter of my Seroquel resolved before she left! Oh man, I cannot express how huge a relief it was to walk into the hospital today and see her face.

And it was a productive, blessedly short appointment! Like, we’re talking 15 minutes with a lot crammed in. She called my GP to remind them to get back to her about the ADHD referral while I was there, which was a nice touch. We also discussed the meds plan for the next bit. We upped the Zoloft to the maximum dose (from 150mg to 200mg). We are both down with making the Depakote go away since it’s not really helping and the side effects are pissing me off. She wants to switch me to another mood stabiliser… I think it was Abilify? Doctors here always use the not-brand name for meds, which is why I know how to say things like quetiapine. ¬¬ She didn’t want to start me on it now though ’cause I pointed out that even if I’m feeling stabler with the Seroquel back to the extended release, I’m still dealing with depression and anxiety out of the aether. She said that whatever it was she had to mind could have increased anxiety in the first week or two, and she didn’t want to make worse what was already going on. Fair enough. I just like knowing that we have a plan of action.

As for how I’m feeling… ask me tomorrow, ha ha. Today has been a hella busy day, well beyond what I normally can tolerate. Tomorrow is also a return to status normal here at ours, as the bigger kiddo will be back in school after the two week Easter holiday. I love her very much and enjoy her company, but her being back at school means that I will be able to get myself and the little one back on the ‘proper’ day schedule. Smallest permitting, I am going to have a grand day of not having to deal with people for a few hours.

So apparently, I was incredibly wrong about something. It turns out that Dr. K wasn’t leaving — she was about to go on vacation and wanted the matter of my Seroquel resolved before she left! Oh man, I cannot express how huge a relief it was to walk into the hospital today and see her face.

And it was a productive, blessedly short appointment! Like, we’re talking 15 minutes with a lot crammed in. She called my GP to remind them to get back to her about the ADHD referral while I was there, which was a nice touch. We also discussed the meds plan for the next bit. We upped the Zoloft to the maximum dose (from 150mg to 200mg). We are both down with making the Depakote go away since it’s not really helping and the side effects are pissing me off. She wants to switch me to another mood stabiliser… I think it was Abilify? Doctors here always use the not-brand name for meds, which is why I know how to say things like quetiapine. ¬¬ She didn’t want to start me on it now though ’cause I pointed out that even if I’m feeling stabler with the Seroquel back to the extended release, I’m still dealing with depression and anxiety out of the aether. She said that whatever it was she had to mind could have increased anxiety in the first week or two, and she didn’t want to make worse what was already going on. Fair enough. I just like knowing that we have a plan of action.

As for how I’m feeling… ask me tomorrow, ha ha. Today has been a hella busy day, well beyond what I normally can tolerate. Tomorrow is also a return to status normal here at ours, as the bigger kiddo will be back in school after the two week Easter holiday. I love her very much and enjoy her company, but her being back at school means that I will be able to get myself and the little one back on the ‘proper’ day schedule. Smallest permitting, I am going to have a grand day of not having to deal with people for a few hours.

I’ve been in to see my psychiatrist today, and let me tell you, I am feeling so much better even if at the same time I’m feeling soul-crushingly depressed.

First of all, I’d not seen her since September. I get the idea that the appointment gap was an oversight, and I expressed that I wasn’t mad at her for being a part of an overstretched and under-appreciated system. Dr. K commented that she wasn’t looking for appreciation, but anyways. We had a lot to cover with that sort of time gap, especially with side effects and increased depression and whatnot. The med plan devised for the moment was:

Dropping the Depakote back to 500mg a day (though splitting it 250/250)

Upping the sertraline (Zoloft) to 150mg a day from 100mg

Leaving the quetiapine (Seroquel) alone for now, but…

(and this is the best bit)

That we’d discuss it when we reconvene next. In two weeks. Which is already booked. I could freaking weep, yo. While I totally try to stay cheerful and positive, this depression I’ve gotten into is bad. This is crisis-level shit for me, and my doc knows it enough to make sure she’s on the ball with getting me back on track. After all, I’ve got a family to be able to help take care of, and yeah… I’m not contributing much to that. I don’t know that things are going to pick up quickly over the next two weeks, but we’ll see

ADHD

One of the things I have been fighting really freaking hard for over the past couple of years has been trying to get an ADHD diagnosis. I’ve been referred for it three times now. The first two were rejected, and the third we’ve not heard back on. I have higher hopes of it getting through now that my hospital is under a different mental health trust, one closer to the place they actually do ADHD diagnoses in this country. Dr. K pulled Dr. Z in to our appointment to discuss how to progress with that; in addition to being the head doctor locally, he’s also reputedly an expert on ADHD. I was pleased to find that our knowledge base was more similar than it was last we spoke (which was like, two and a half years ago). There has been a lot of new research let out, especially in regards to women, ADHD, and aging, so he was significantly happier counting me as assessed and ready to be properly treated/medicated by the right people. So while it’s still not the diagnosis that I need, it’s finally starting to feel like it’s getting somewhere.

So Lucky

As I commented at the top, the NHS is stretched paper-thin by a disgusting government hoping to sell off prized national institutions to their little rich crony friends. They make a lot of bleating noises about establishing parity of care while cutting funding for mental health treatment in actual terms year on year. While yes, I did suffer a rather disturbing lapse of primary touching base between now and back in September, I’m still luckier than most. I’m in the system. I have a doctor who cares passionately about making sure that I am in as good of mental health as possible. Yeah, it could be better, and I had to deal with a lot of bullshit before I got to this point I am at now… but at least it feels like I’m taken seriously and that I don’t have to wail and gnash my teeth and pull out my hair to be taken seriously.

*sighs tiredly* Right y’all, I’m off. It’s my beloved best-husband’s birthday if any of you guys want to wish him a happy one, and I (as usual) hope that all of y’all out there are doing well.

I’ve been in to see my psychiatrist today, and let me tell you, I am feeling so much better even if at the same time I’m feeling soul-crushingly depressed.

First of all, I’d not seen her since September. I get the idea that the appointment gap was an oversight, and I expressed that I wasn’t mad at her for being a part of an overstretched and under-appreciated system. Dr. K commented that she wasn’t looking for appreciation, but anyways. We had a lot to cover with that sort of time gap, especially with side effects and increased depression and whatnot. The med plan devised for the moment was:

Dropping the Depakote back to 500mg a day (though splitting it 250/250)

Upping the sertraline (Zoloft) to 150mg a day from 100mg

Leaving the quetiapine (Seroquel) alone for now, but…

((and this is the best bit))

That we’d discuss it when we reconvene next. In two weeks. Which is already booked. I could freaking weep, yo. While I totally try to stay cheerful and positive, this depression I’ve gotten into is bad. This is crisis-level shit for me, and my doc knows it enough to make sure she’s on the ball with getting me back on track. After all, I’ve got a family to be able to help take care of, and yeah… I’m not contributing much to that. I don’t know that things are going to pick up quickly over the next two weeks, but we’ll see.

ADHD

One of the things I have been fighting really freaking hard for over the past couple of years has been trying to get an ADHD diagnosis. I’ve been referred for it three times now. The first two were rejected, and the third we’ve not heard back on. I have higher hopes of it getting through now that my hospital is under a different mental health trust, one closer to the place they actually do ADHD diagnoses in this country. Dr. K pulled Dr. Z in to our appointment to discuss how to progress with that; in addition to being the head doctor locally, he’s also reputedly an expert on ADHD. I was pleased to find that our knowledge base was more similar than it was last we spoke (which was like, two and a half years ago). There has been a lot of new research let out, especially in regards to women, ADHD, and aging, so he was significantly happier counting me as assessed and ready to be properly treated/medicated by the right people. So while it’s still not the diagnosis that I need, it’s finally starting to feel like it’s getting somewhere.

So Lucky

As I commented at the top, the NHS is stretched paper-thin by a disgusting government hoping to sell off prized national institutions to their little rich crony friends. They make a lot of bleating noises about establishing parity of care while cutting funding for mental health treatment in actual terms year on year. While yes, I did suffer a rather disturbing lapse of primary touching base between now and back in September, I’m still luckier than most. I’m in the system. I have a doctor who cares passionately about making sure that I am in as good of mental health as possible. Yeah, it could be better, and I had to deal with a lot of bullshit before I got to this point I am at now… but at least it feels like I’m taken seriously and that I don’t have to wail and gnash my teeth and pull out my hair to be taken seriously.

*sighs tiredly* Right y’all, I’m off. It’s my beloved best-husband’s birthday if any of you guys want to wish him a happy one, and I (as usual) hope that all of y’all out there are doing well.

Right now, I am joining the lovely Marisa in gritting my teeth and admitting that I am depressed. I’d been teetering on the edge for some time with occasional spikes coming out of The Pit of Nothing™®, but mainly I’d been able to hold it together. Then I had two shitty things happen in one morning, and off into The Nothing. Rude. It’s been paired up with some rather severe headaches, which serves as a distraction of sorts, but really. Really.

It’s also annoying because at the same time, I’m having a lovely time. I’m enjoying my hobbies and my family, which are the two most important things in my life. I feel legit happy, the whole warm swelling heart full of joy sort of thing. Is it hypomania? I am thinking no, not really. I don’t have any drive to do a million things or to spend irresponsibly — even having been handed a wodge of cash for my birthday and Christmas from my in-laws, I’m only halfway through it, AND I tend to cross-reference every purchase with my husband out of respect for family finances. I don’t -have- to and I am sure he trusts me to spend wisely, but by the same token, he’ll let me know when he’s waffling over buying something for himself. Irritability? Well yes, some, but that’s to be expected with a six-year-old who repeats everything 20 times, and a ninja toddler who steals everything she’s not supposed to (and then follows up getting caught by kind of hilarious hysterics).

It’s sort of weird to be depressed and mainly happy at the same time, but it’s that whole ‘chemical sad’ that I’ve mentioned in past posts. I am hoping that upping my antidepressant again will do the do, but we’ll see what Dr. K thinks when I see her next week. I’m seriously hoping that’s the route we go, as I don’t want to change medications yet. Sertraline (Zoloft) has generally worked for me. It was doing fine until I came off of it due to pregnancy, and it’s well… I don’t know. Maybe it hasn’t done as well since I’ve gotten back on it. Maybe it’s crashing and burning faster. Or maybe it’s not working as well because I put on weight thanks to the Depakote… thanks Depakote, ‘winning’ where Seroquel didn’t. *mutters*

So yeah, woo feeling on the brink of tears for no reason. It’s grand. *rolls eyes* Bored of it all already. Hopefully y’all out there are doing better than that though.