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February 22, 2019

Talking About Adoption - Explaining Difficult Details

Children need to know all the aspects of their adoption stories, but parents may not know how to explain some details. Below, find expert advice on talking about tough adoption topics, such as poverty, criminal behavior, abandonment, abuse or neglect.

Our daughter’s birth mother committed suicide several years ago. We’ve never told our daughter, who’s now 13 and in a rebellious phase. I just read something that said you should tell your children whatever you know about their adoptions before the teen years, but we can’t go back in time to do so. Should we tell her now, or wait until she’s older?

Adopted persons tend to experience seven core issues related to their adoption. Discussions of adoption over the years have often overlooked the pain and struggles of adoptees, but identifying these core issues and helping children integrate them as they grow validates their experiences, decreasing feelings of being different and isolated.

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My nine-year-old daughter was adopted as an infant. She's been asking me about her birth parents, so I searched. I was devastated by the information I found, and have no idea when and how to reveal the details. Her birth mother died from complications due to alcoholism; her birth father has done time in prison and is now AWOL.

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Spurred, in part, by my daughter’s questions, I recently initiated a search for my six-year-old’s birth mother. I learned that her birth mother died a year ago. Do I need to tell my daughter now? If so, how?