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Friday, December 13, 2013

I know it's not technically Fesitvus, yet. But that doesn't mean I still don't have A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!...Nah. I'm not going to air any grievances, either. Truth is, the Festivus theme just goes well with a video that I want to show later. You know, when I take my weekly shot at the state of Florida. So, yeah! Festivus! So get the pole out of the crawl space and get on board...

Enjoy...Week 15 Picks

Miami Dolphins (+1.5) vs New England Patriots

With Rob Gronkowski in the game last week, the Patriots only managed 3 points. With him out? Their 4 drives ALL went for points, with THREE ending in touchdowns. And if you believe that means the Patriots are better off without their freak of a tight end? Well then you, my friend, are in luck. Because that means I have a Festivus pole that I'd like to sell you. Old lady who owned it before? Only drove it to church and back. Yeah, exactly. You'd be stupid not to buy it...

Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5) @ Minnesota Vikings

New Orleans Saints (-5.5) @ St. Louis Rams

Seattle Seahawks (-7) @ New York Giants

Had I followed one of my own time tested rules last night (never spotting a team 10+ points), I'd have started the week 1-0. But I didn't. Still not sure what happened in that game, exactly. Other than the fact I'm fairly sure the Chargers had some sort of magnet system installed in the ball and their gloves. Probably 2-3 of the better catches I've seen all year. With, all the while, Big Philly style dry humpin' and insta-GIF'n his way up and down the field. Impressive. But, yeah. I didn't follow my own rule, and I lost. So naturally, I'm going to do it again. And in a rather big way, with 3 road favorites who are all undoubtedly looking ahead to future match ups...

Will my stubbornness take my 0-1 to 0-4, and have my lamenting the fact that I didn't follow my own time tesTed advice? Probably. But, whatever. There's nothing cool about sanity, anyway. So I say bring it on, universe...

Jacksonville Jaguars (+2) vs Buffalo Bills

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+6.5) vs San Francisco 49ers

So, here ya go. The inspiration for this week's poorly execuTed Festivus theme. A "how-to" video showing you how to make a Fesitvus pole out of empty PBR cans. Made by a Florida man whose goal (he succeeded) was to get his makeshift pole in a city "holiday" display in hopes of representing alternate holidays and beliefs. That, and his city was in danger of falling below the state acceptable average of the number of empty PBR cans per square mile. They've been able to skate by, for a while. Because they happen to lead the state in cases of Meth-mouth per capita. But eventually the long, tanned arm of the law is going to come down on you. So here's to you, Picasso of the PBR. You're a true Floridian Genius...

Speaking of overly tanned Meth addicts...

Atlanta Falcons (-6) vs Washington Tedskins

Mike Shanahan is just a crazy lookin' bastard. Always has been. And I'm not insulting his looks, in as much as I'm just pointing out that he's more or less bat shit crazy. Forget the fact that you're scared to see what's below him and out of frame in the above picture. OK, now you probably can't. And it could be anything, too. Which is awesome. I like to picture him attempting to fit on a small horse or a pony, myself. Even though the myriad of grotesque sexual possibilities are endless. You people and your dirty minds. You make me sick, you really do...

Cincinnati Bengals (-3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

I'm of the belief that the Bengals are finally ready for prime time. AKA Get ready to see this team in the Super Bowl. That's right. This year. Well, I guess technically it's next year. But there's no need to be a dick about it. Yep. Cincinnati/Seattle. You heard it hear first. Unless of course you've already heard it somewhere else. In which case you know some smart people. Or, more likely. Someone from Cincinnati that's now living in Seattle. Because, let's face it. Nobody moves to Cincinnati. It's like the Florida of Ohio. Only difference I can tell, is that they make their Festivus poles out of Natty Ice instead of PBR. Because, you know. The Natty...

Here's the rest of the slate. And I'm still riding that non conference OVER trend. So there's that. Oh, and I'm taking the Jets, too. I know they suck. But it would just be so Jets of them to hang around for so much longer than they should have. You know, only to ultimately disappoint and go down in a flaming mess of fat man headlines. Yeah, that's right. Again...

The Matt Stafford fumble face is a great fumble face. There's no denying it. There's also no denying that the Lions are probably primed for another vintage limp to the finish. They've lost 3 of 4, and are facing a shadily good Baltimore team that's finally found it's footing and has won 3 in a row. It'll be a shootout, too. Because all the non conference games apparently go OVER now. Which is great. I love touchdowns. Even if 'touchdown face' will never be even a fraction as entertaining as fumble face. MATT! LOOK OUT! AHHHH! Hahaha. Looks like he's reacting to getting a poke in the nether regions from a homemade Festivus pole, doesn't it? Probably fan-made, too. And seeing as it's Detroit, it's probably made with empty cans of....wait. What do they call their most popular beer in Detroit? Oh, that's right. It's not beer. It's shame and poverty. But maybe they could make it out of empty...I don't know...trash can fires? Whatever. Plenty of time on their hands with the lack of jobs. I'm sure they could figure out somethin'. OR not. Either way...

Last Week: 12-7-0

Overall: 112-100-9 (.527)

NCAA Top 25 Picks

Last Week: 5-4-0

Overall: 69-60-4 (.534)

And, finally. Wasn't able to exactly be "profitable" with this year's NCAA picks (56%+ beats the book more or less). But I'll try to bounce back with a sprinkling of Bowl picks throughout the upcoming weeks. I'll also be debuting my College Hoops Top 25 sooner rather than later. So keep your eyes peeled for that. And you know what? As an early Festivus gift from me to you, here's a quick look at my current Top 10: