Is That Your Wife or The Warden?

I’ve been married a lot longer than the majority of my friends. 13 years. 14 on November of 2016. Even though they’d never admit it, plenty of my friends come to me for advice on their marriages.

I come from a long line of vow-takers. My father is still married to my mother, my grandparents — both maternal and paternal — were married until their respective spouses died. Even my little brother has a few years of wedded bliss under his belt. And I’m 95% positive that at least 50% of my children will find partners one day and marry them as well. It’s kind of a big deal in my family. But we don’t judge those who aren’t married. In fact, they’re probably smarter than we give them credit for.

That’s enough familial history…

So much stuff changes when a girlfriend becomes a spouse. Before marriage, it’s endless intercourse and food on command. After the vows are exchanged, it’s masturbation and leftovers. (Yeah, it kind of sucks, but I’m just keeping it real, as one always should, or at least as much as they possibly can.) I’m not sure if its scientific or if it’s just nature vs nurture but there is going to be plentiful seasons of change in a marriage. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Some things, however, should remain the same. I firmly believe that the amount of freedom and independence you enter a relationship with you should hold on to during. This also applies to the amount of manhood you exert on a regular basis, if that makes any sense to you. Which it totally should. In other words don’t allow her to carry your balls in her purse. And if you do so, govern the amount of time that it’s allowed. You’re in charge of your testicles, bro, no matter what she says in the middle of an argument. Too many men that I know personally have seemed to fall victim to this dastardly okie doke, subsequently and successfully enabling their wife to become the warden.

Simply put, it’s foolish to allow your woman to run your life. Even if your girl is smart as hell and knows exactly what she’s doing in most instances granting her 100% reign over your functionality — whether physical, emotional, or spiritual — is a dangerous game to play. That’s essentially relinquishing control of self to another human being. And oh yes, it’s that deep. All that free will we were given flies out of the nearest window once you start allowing your alleged better half to dictate what hours are acceptable for video game play and what you can and can’t watch on television.

Allow me to break it down further, on a more sinister level:

First, she’ll rearrange your friends. Most likely in order from least harmless to “well if you ask me, I think he’s gay.” Next she’ll convince you to try the foods she likes, starting with the snacks. You won’t see the plot unfolding because you’re balls deep in relationship, blinded by obligatory sex. Eventually, like a thief in the night, she’ll start shopping for you. It’ll be the clothes you’d buy yourself in the opening acts, but as the plot thickens you’ll find yourself dressing like her dad. Or her ex. Whomever she hates more. Expect curfews, pocket checks, and general over-your-shoulder-ness to follow, all according to schedule. If this culmination is a realistic reflection of your current situation, congratulations. Your wife is now the warden of the house, which now doubles as a personalized jail cell. Keep in mind that the frequency of conjugal visits will now be determined according to your behavior.

It’s important that we hold on to identity of self in life. It’s very easy to become confused and complacent in a world where everyone is trying to be somebody else. Men define themselves by their mobile masculinity and ability to be like fluid, formless and hard to obtain, so when one decides to anchor himself to matrimony, he should have the necessary support system in play, beginning with his spouse. Don’t hobble him, encourage him. Ladies, when you toss a leash on your guy and start treating him like a stray cat you’re trying to convince to stick around, all you’re doing is breaking him down, stripping him away like turpentine for the soul. You should want your man sturdy and able, confident and care-free, not cautious and leary because of his wife-related Stockholm Syndrome.

If you’re unsure if your wife is transitioning into the warden, jump over to The Gentlemen’s Club Presents thread and openly beginning scrolling, in front of her. If she so much as flinches, you may want to do further research. Start by checking to see if your nuts are still attached to you.

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3 comments on “Is That Your Wife or The Warden?”

Great, you couldn’t have written this in fuckin November? So I got engaged in December after almost a decade of what’s best described as common law marriage. I’m 99% sure my balls are in place, well, at least 1 is still in place.