So it’s been awhile since I had my last BIG anxiety attack (the kind where I want to crawl walls and rip my hair out.) I don’t know why things were going well- had decided to attribute it to therapy. And that probably is it. BUT as I posted previously- I am having ANGER these last few days. And I don’t deal well with anger. I just don’t even know what to do with it. Few things really even make me angry, but not feeling in control and feeling invalidated or used will make me angry. My last post- the car smashing- that was about not feeling in control with my health issues, which I’ve already ranted about, so I won’t again. (not right now, anyway!)

I had trouble sleeping that night, all the anger and anxiety. Finally started to doze off a couple of hours before my dental appointment, but you take what you can get, right? I kid you not, I had just relaxed when I got a bunch of txt messages. From my brother. Who I’m going to call Alec. I ADORE my brother. I can’t even tell you how awesome I truly think he is. But he has the same capacity for just pure #$%#$^.

I crave closer relationships with all of my family. Alec in particular is very distant. He has told me in the past that he avoids me because he can’t deal with what happened to me (the assault.) That hurts like hell, but I have to respect where he is too, ya know? At the same time, he’s… not stable. Just a few years ago, he stabbed himself in the stomach with a huge knife because he was angry. I’m not really sure if that was a suicide attempt, but there have been those. And he takes his anger out on himself. I worry about him all the time, but never really know how he is doing because he tries to hide everything. So Wed, when I got his txt asking for money because he’s going to get evicted… I was sick with worry and anger. Anger because I know he is trying to manipulate me right now (this is the only time he makes contact) and worry because I don’t want to see him in trouble! So- both anger triggers hit. And everything just snowballed into that awful anxiety again.

How do you help someone you love that refuses to be helped? I know this post probably makes no sense whatsoever. I feel protective of my little brother and so frustrated at the same time that I have left a lot of things unsaid. On the plus side- it sounds like he was able to avoid eviction for now. So there’s some relief. But sadness too.

This may seem so random, but I think of my brother when I hear this song. It sings to my worst fears, but also my wishes to understand better what he is going through so I could help. Except, if he doesn’t want my help… do I have any right to try to give that to him? I don’t know any of these answers. So here’s a song to ruin your day…

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey