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Hamlet is Very Bad At Revenge

Woo I’m backI still don’t have a houseI am staying in a place where at least two people offer to sell me blow per dayit’s great I am loving it a lothere is a story about a dumb idiot

okay so there’s this kid hamlet righthe’s real pissed because his uncle killed his dadand is now fucking his momwhy would you get pissed about something like thatit happens ALL THE TIMEoh yeah also his mom is the QUEEN OF DENMARKwhich makes hamlet’s uncle the KINGand also hamlet is the prince but he’s gonna die anyway so who caresactually everyone is gonna diespoilers

so basically the play opens with hamlet being real snippy to his stepdadand then his pal Horatiowhose job is to stoke Hamlet’s retard fires with plenty of idiot coalshows up all like HEY HAMLET COME HERE I SAW THE GHOST OF YOUR DADand hamlet is like BULLSHIT LEMME SEEOH SHIT THAT’S TOTALLY MY DAD’S GHOST OVER THEREHE’S TELLING ME TO KILL MY UNCLEGOOD THING I ALWAYS LISTEN WHEN GHOSTS TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLEguys when was the last time a ghost told you to do something constructivelike run the dishwasher or do yogai feel like ghosts only ever give bad advicebut whatever

so then hamlet wanders around for about several years(which translates into roughly 2 hours of your valuable real-life time)being crazy and not accomplishing anythingso it falls to the other characters to be interesting and do thingsENTER OPHELIAshe’s some chick Hamlet was trying to bang I guessbut the thing no one seems to realizeis hamlet is crazy and he doesn’t give a fuck about Ophelia even at allOphelia’s bro Laertes is all HEY OPHELIA BE SURE NOT TO FUCK HAMLETI FEEL LIKE HE IS PROBABLY CRAZY AND ALSO A TERRIBLE HUSBANDand Ophelia is like psh whatever broand then Ophelia’s dad Polonius immediately shows up like HEY OPHELIAHAVE YOU FUCKED HAMLET YET BECAUSE DON’TIN FACTLET’S BE ON THE SAFE SIDEHOW ABOUT NEVER SPEAK TO HAMLET EVER AGAINBE SURE TO OFFER NO EXPLANATION AT ALLTHAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TREAT CRAZY PEOPLEand Ophelia is like ok gosh fine ok dad

so meanwhile the King uncle dudewhose name is Claudius by the wayhits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildensternwho I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingersand he’s like hey guysHamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palacei’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck outand Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BROand OFF THEY GObut it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatristsand are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLETwho is wandering around yelling about things like bodkins and dreams that comeand whether or not there are bees or somethingi don’t knowhe talks a lot and I think i fell asleep for a whilebut anyway finally he’s like oh manall this wandering around yelling about murdermade me TOTALLY FORGET about how i promised to murder my uncle like eighty pages agoi should probably get on thatbut how?OH I KNOWI’LL PRODUCE A PLAY ABOUT HOW MY UNCLE MURDERED MY DADgod dammit hamletwe are already in a play about how your uncle murdered your dadwhat are you doingwhat the fuck are you doingare you trying to piss me off?is this like the song that never endsexcept instead of songs it is fucking soliloquies about how you wish your flesh would melt off?but anyway yeah that’s his brilliant planhe wants to put on the play and if Claudius freaks out he’ll know he’s guiltyWAY TO DISTRUST YOUR GHOST DAD DICKWITIF A GHOST OF YOUR DAD SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU WHO KILLED HIMYOU HAVE SOME PRETTY PRIME FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT THEREYOU DON’T NEED TO GO AROUND DOING SPEECHES AND CRYING AND WRITING PLAYSWHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING POET?IF YOU ARE THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE WRITING PLAYS SHOULD YOU TWATBISCUITWELL I MEAN I GUESS SHAKESPEARE WAS A POETBUT YOU’RE NOT SHAKESPEARE ARE YOU ASSHOLEI MEAN YOU KIND OF ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHAKESPEARE CHARACTERBUT LOOK JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK

but ok so meanwhilei guess hamlet like freaks out and pulls a really creepy move on Opheliawhere he just busts into her room and starts touching her face and shitnot saying anythingjust sitting theretouchingand so Ophelia goes to her dad like what the fuck do I do dadand Polonius is like oh shitI guess he was genuinely in love with you after allman my mistake for telling you to dump himWHAT?!NOTHAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONETHAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY A CRAZY ASSHOLEbut that is not how things work in the glacially slow mind of professor retard(that is my clever nickname for Polonius)so he runs to Claudius and he’s like yoClaudiusI figured out why Hamlet’s being a crazy assholeit’s because of my daughterand Claudius is like YES OF COURSEIT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW I MURDERED HIS DAD AND FUCKED HIS MOMLET US ESTABLISH THIS BY SETTING UP A MEETING BETWEEN HAMLET AND OPHELIAAND THEN EAVESDROPPING ON ITwhy is everyone trying to establish shit all the timewhy aren’t they just manning up and killing each otherthat’s why we showed up to this play right?right.

so they set up this meeting between hamlet and opheliaand hamlet does the reasonable thing and treats her like shitand gets really excited about her becoming a nunI guess maybe it is a fetish for him or something?but yeah basically no one who is eavesdropping has any idea what the fuck this meansthey are failing to drop any substantial eaveslike they are letting eaves fly left and right but they are falling WAYYY WIDE OF THE MARKeaves all dropping on innocent bystandersmutilating their private fucking conversations

but okay so the play happensnot the play we’re already watchingthe play hamlet madeand hamlet is a really shitty audience member the entire timeyelling at everyone and asking for refills on his soda and throwing thingsin one version I saw he had a flashlight and he kept shining it in everyone’s eyesin another version Mel Gibson just started climbing everyone’s chairsthe point is Hamlet went through a lot of trouble to put on this playby which i mean he payed some dudes and then he yelled at them a littleand now here he is shitting directly into the center of itbut GUESS WHATHIS PLAN WORKSCLAUDIUS FREAKS THE FUCK OUT WITH GUILT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOMso Hamlet is like AT LAST I HAVE MY PROOFI KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DOI GOTTACONTINUE DOING MONOLOGUES FOR ANOTHER COUPLE HOURSYAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile Claudius is in his room like oh fuck oh shit i am not going back to jailguys we gotta send Hamlet to England to chill out for a whileand Polonius is like GREAT IDEAyou know how we can make it an even better idea?get his mom to chill him the fuck outTHEN send him to Englandand I will make it even better by eavesdropping on their conversationI feel like I did not drop enough eaves earlierand Claudius is like sure why the hell nothey wife go solve my problems

so Gertrude hits up hamlet like yo sonand hamlet is like OH SHIT TIME TO SCREAM AND THREATEN VIOLENCEAAAAAAAAAAAA VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCETHIS MEETING IS HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE INTENDED EFFECTso then Poloniuswho is dropping mad eaves as discussedis all like GUARDS GUARDS GET IN HERE HAMLET IS GONNA CRAZY HIS MOM TO DEATHand Hamlet is like FUCK I ALMOST JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL THE EAVES GETTING DROPPED HEREBETTER STAB WHOEVER JUST SAID THATso he stabs polonius who proceeds to dieand hamlet has kind of thinks he is rats or maybe the kingor maybe the rat king from the nutcracker suite or somethingbut nopeit’s poloniuscaptain of the SS Dumbassand when Hamlet finds that out he is actually kind of sadso he responds to it like any of us wouldhe drags the body away and hides it in some stairs

so then comes the part of the play where everyone is trying to get hamlet to tell them where the body isand he is being a prick about itseriously likehe admits to everyone that he killed Poloniusand they’re like where’s the bodyand he’s like WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOWand then finally he tells themand Claudiuswho has really wanted to kill hamlet for a whileis like fuck dude now I pretty much HAVE to banish youRosencrantz and Guildenstern please to escort hamlet to Englandwith a note that says the king of england should kill himMY CLEVERNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDSoh PS Ophelia is crazy nowturns out having your dad stabbed by the same crazy asshole who’s trying to bone youis not conducive to mental healthso she walks around singing songs and not listening to anyone at alland then Laertes shows uphe was in France this whole time so he didn’t have to deal with Hamlet’s bullshitbut he’s sure as shit back nownow that his dad is dead and his sister is a full time resident of hotel crazyhe’s like what the fuck hamlethamletwhat the fuckI knew you were kind of a shitty guybut what are you even doingdid you spend your vast royal inheritance on a dump truckand then use all the time I was gone to fill it with your fecesand then at the appointed momentrelease it over the heads of everyone I know and/or love?THAT SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU DID HAMLET

and then WHABAMHAMLET IS BACK BITCHESall like yeah what’s uptotally hitched a ride with some piratesalsoreplaced rosencrantz and guildenstern’s letter with a letter saying to kill themthat’s rightRosencrantz and Guildenstern are deadi feel like that is the name of some other playthat is much better than this onewhatevernow that I’m back I can FINALLY ENACT MY MASTER PLAN:STARING AT THIS SKULL I FOUND AND TALKING MOREHOLY SHITBALLS HAMLETSTOP TALKING AND FUCKING STAB SOMEONE ALREADY

but so meanwhile Claudius hears Hamlet is backbecause hamlet shows up at Polonius’s funeral and pisses everyone off by talkingso Claudius is like GOD DAMMIT ASSHOLE WHY WON’T YOU DIEand he convinces Laertes(who if you recallis really pissed off at Hamlet)to have a friendly duel with himthat just happens to involve a poison-tipped swordand also a cup full of poison in case the sword missesbasically there is just gonna be poison all over the placeand then while they’re planning this someone walks in like heyOphelia drowned by the wayapparently she had the kind of crazy that makes you bad at swimmingand Laertes is like HAMLETSERIOUSLY

so they have their duelpretty sure hamlet does some more talking first but whateverthe point is they have a duelafter shaking hands and promising not to be mad at each otherand Hamlet is just beating the shit out of Laertesnot even getting stabbed with any poison at allso Claudius is like HEY DUDE GOOD JOBDRINK THIS CUP OF POISON TO CELEBRATEand Gertrude is like HEY I LIKE POISON LEMME GET AT THATand Claudius is like wait no that’s not for you aww shitand Laertes is like well shiteverything is fucked nowbetter be a cheater and stab hamlet a couple timesso he doesand hamlet is like OW FUCKLEMME TAKE YOUR SWORD AND STAB YOU BACKand Laertes is like HAMLETHAMLET DO YOU EVER STOP SUCKINGSERIOUSLY THIS IS BOWLING BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE LEVEL SUCKINGand then he diesand Hamlet is like well fuckI have a sword with poison all over itmy mom and one of my best bros are both deadthe king is right herewhy not stab him a couple times?so he doesand the king is like ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?I HAD THREE GREAT PLANS FOR KILLING YOUTHREEYOU KNOW HOW MANY PLANS YOU HAD?NONEYOU STABBED ME JUST NOW BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH A POISON SWORDIT’S NOT EVEN YOUR SWORDIT’S NOT EVEN YOUR POISONNOT EVEN YOUR ROOM COME TO THINK OF ITWHAT THE FUCK HAMLETSERIOUSLY

so then hamlet is dying from the poison obviouslyso he lies down like OH DANG I AM DYINGTIME TO MAKE MORE SPEECHESand Horatio is like shhh shhh it’s okno one wants to hear you talk anymoreno one ever wanted to hear you talkand then hamlet diesand then the king of Norway shows up like WELPUHFINDERS KEEPERS?

so the moral of the storyis if you are trying to kill someoneyou should try just stabbing them immediatelysoliloquies do not help with thisbut on the other handif what you are trying to do is get revenge on someonemaybe subjecting them to two hours of interminable gibberishand then accidentally killing them at the last possible momentis the PERFECT plan

Holy shit, thank you! Someone FINALLY understands why I fucking hated reading Shakespeare in High School. I'd just sit there and the plot was discussed and try to keep my eyes from twitching and my brain from exploding.

Macbeth is even worse. Seriously guy? Seriously? Being born by C-section doesn't make you born out of a 5-headed hydra – you were still born and it was from a woman! Also, if you think you can't die, why not just throw Macduff in prison instead of MURDERING EVERYONE HE KNOWS AND GIVING HIM INCENTIVE TO MURDER YOU!?

I just finished reading Hamlet(and enjoyed it). But shame on you; during the play-within-the-play scene, Hamlet makes so many pervy comments to Ophelia(among them "Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" and "That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.") and they weren't mentioned! >:O

So, I was in math and i couldn't stand the boring crap load of radicals being dropped all over me.so I whipped out my laptop to escape the never ending drul of my teacher's incessant ramblings to stumbleupon.com and "WHABAM" I found this. I just wanted to say thanks for the laugh and the best interpretation of hamlet yet.

This is beautiful. I mean truly. As a Lit/Film major who has studied Shakespeare and Hamlet in particular intensely this is absolutely hilarious and full to the brim of truthiness. Improved my all nighter immensely. Thanks.

To the people whining about “savages” and “clods,” you know who forwards this link around most enthusiastically? Shakespeare grad students, TAs, professors, actors, and directors–people who know whole swaths of his speeches by heart and are painfully well-versed in critical issues. Sometimes you’ve just gotta stop being a prig and have a chuckle.

Just a quick correction–Hamlet showed up at Ophelia’s funeral, not Polonius’. It’s easy to remember, ’cause Laertes like jumps into her grave, and then Hamlet, being a butt, jumps in her grave, too, and the two guys fight in her actual grave over her freaking dead body.

Long ago, I had two friends to whom I showed the play within a play to. Since we were all in speech and debate, I edited for them and they performed it as a duel interp. As far as the rest of it, beautifully done, but I kind of wish you hadn’t of glossed over the best part of the book. Still, a lovely interpretation!