On Grief Vultures

The support we received when Madeline passed away was extraordinary. I’ve said time and again that I really don’t know how we would have survived without having so many people hold us up. Those early days and months are a blur, but I do know I accepted help from anyone that offered it. I assumed that the intentions behind the offers of help and friendship were pure, but as the shock wore off and the fog lifted, I realized some of these people were grief vultures.

Grief vultures are people who try to co-opt your grief for their own attention and gain. Sometimes they start with the best of intentions and get carried away. Other times, they are “professionals” who swoop from one tragedy to the next, desperate to feel like they belong. I’ve seen it a lot in the last five years through my volunteering and grief groups, and with Jackie, my friend Des, and of course, with Maddie.

When Maddie died, I was a newly-minted stay at home mom, having been laid off from my job a few months earlier. After her death I felt like I had no purpose: no child, no job. Mike and I supported each other when we could, but we were both grieving hard and often needed more than the other could give. So I leaned hard on my friends, both new and old. It was only later that I discovered some of those friends were “bragging” about their relationships with me. They knew lots of people were concerned about Mike and me, so they’d give unauthorized status reports on how we were coping. They basked in the attention and “importance.”

I was recounting this experience not long ago to another friend, who was horrified. She said to me, “Were you so devastated that a friend could do that to you?” I didn’t feel devastated. I felt…stupid. I felt like those users had somehow tainted my daughter’s memory, and I’d failed to protect her (again). And then I felt angry, furious, livid. They preyed on my family during the worst time. They are scum. I had no problem cutting them out of my life.

The problem with grief vultures is they are dressed up in the feathers of friendship. We outsiders can spot them from a mile away, but to those experiencing the fresh shock of grief they are saviors. They bring support, food, companionship. The bereaved don’t realize the vultures are feeding off their grief because they are too overwhelmed by it.

If you think someone you care about is being used by a grief vulture, act with quickness and kindness. Without naming names, confirm with the bereaved the roles they’d like all of their friends and family to play in the aftermath. Do what you can to help those wishes be honored. Nicely remind everyone what the bereaved has requested, and if some people need extra nudges, give them. Try to keep it away from the bereaved as they have enough on their plates. They’ll find out soon enough…and when they do, support them then, too. They’ll need it.

If you have been taken advantage of by a grief vulture, please know it’s not your fault. You were doing what you needed to survive. Focus on those who supported you because they loved you, not those who tried to gain from your loss. Someday, the grief vultures will get their due.

Lilian says:

Ryan says:

It’s almost like munchausen syndrome, people are so f*cked up sometimes. I’m sorry. What is lacking in their life that they need to take over someone’s and be the savior. It’s sick behavior. People never cease to amaze me with what they will do to get attention/validation or try to be recognized as the hero.

Mum says:

I think it’s a form of mental illness too.. I had my son’s friend’s mother hijacking my grief, borrowing my books on losing a child, seeing a counsellor and texting me daily to tell me her pain. She still gets in touch with the more painful aspects of his death that I try hard not to dwell on despite me telling her that. All in the name of ‘walking with me’.

Sarah G says:

Hi Heather, it sounds like a horrible situation. But I guess I’m also surprised because I don’t think I’ve met one of these types. I feel a bit silly asking for clarification, but what are grief vultures out for? Is it that they’re the opposite of a ‘fair weather friend’ i.e. someone that is only interested in you when you’re struggling? Also, if I’m completely honest, I’m also curious because I’d hate to BE a grief vulture. I’ve never felt the desire to befriend someone because they’re going through a tough time, but on the other hand I’m someone that has a lot of empathy for others and I do try to be thoughtful of others when they’re struggling by dropping off food and sending notes and flowers. I really hate the thought that I could be furthering someone’s hurt by something I did.

I’m confused too! I always seen the food bringers as the ones in charge. The nosey aunt if you will. They bring food, update people, they are busy types and do try to take all the burden on themselves. I personally would love any one who brought food by and told everyone what’s. Going on. I don’t cook and I am definitely not social. This doesn’t sound to me like an intentional foul Heath. Love you from the internets but don’t understand.

Robyn says:

I had the same thought, Sara. I’m not sure I understand this. Which is not to dismiss or invalidate your post at all, Heather. I’m sure you know what you’re talking about, but I don’t understand. I definitely don’t ever want to do anything that would make someone’s grief more difficult to bear.

I am someone who tends to get taken advantage of by people. I.E. – they bring their newborn over for me to see then not-so-subtly mention they need to run a few “errands” and disappear for hours. I kind of relate in that way. They see you as an opportunity and not as someone they truly care about. I am so sorry, Heather. It must have more to do with them than you. Those I cut out of my life for taking advantage of me never seem to get it. They think I am the mean one or that I have some issue but they are toxic. I am guessing that this is the same type of person…

Grief vultures are people who want attention and sympathy. They inflate their relationship with the bereaved and make a big show of the things they’re doing to help so people will say, “You’re SUCH a good friend!” They want everyone to know how close they are to the people grieving so others will ask if THEY are okay. They thrive on drama. They aren’t helping to help – they are helping for praise, attention, and drama.

If you are concerned with making someone’s grief more difficult, you are definitely NOT a grief vulture. They don’t care about stuff like that. xoxo

Jackie says:

Oooooooh! I get it now! Grief Vultures are horrible, attention seeking creatures! I know someone like that. She also has a story or knows someone that has gone through every problem so she “completely understands”.

Lenora says:

Basically, they are the more toxic version of drama queens or the less toxic version of the people who make people sick to get attention for themselves. They are “helping” because it makes them feel important not out of genuine concern for the grieving.

Shea says:

To me, and I only speak for myself here, of course, a “grief vulture” is someone who helps after a tragedy because it makes them feel good and important, not because they want to make the grieving person feel better. So maybe someone who is only an acquaintance or someone you hadn’t spoken with in a long time who suddenly swoops in all authoritative-like and speaks to others on your behalf, like, “Oh yes, Jane and I are so close, such a shame what she’s dealing with. I know exactly how she’s feeling, let me tell you all about it.” Basically someone who uses another person’s tragedy as a way to gain personal attention and feel like a hero. I don’t think any genuine help — bringing meals, offering to listen or be a shoulder to cry on — would not be appreciated. But keep it between you and the person grieving. Don’t try to speak for them unless they ask. Disclaimer: this is just my interpretation from my own experiences!

Maria Keil says:

Grief vultures are people who want attention and sympathy. They inflate their relationship with the bereaved and make a big show of the things they’re doing to help so people will say, “You’re SUCH a good friend!” They want everyone to know how close they are to the people grieving so others will ask if THEY are okay. They thrive on drama. They aren’t helping to help – they are helping for praise, attention, and drama.

If any of those things sound like you, then you are a grief vulture (but I highly suspect you are just a kind, caring person with only the best of intentions). xo

defendUSA says:

Well, you taught me something today, Heather! You are describing my Aunt, my father’s sister. My father was never a very productive citizen, or dad. Suffice it to say all of his shit behaviors were enabled. As his kids, we received no support, and when he passed away, she became judge,jury about “her” brother’s private funeral and whom should be “allowed” to come and say goodbye as if he were someone that deserved a State Funeral. I loved my father despite what he was not to most people. But, this behavior has reared its head again as my Gramp, her dad, passed two weeks ago. It made me angry and sad. But, the good news is, that I did everything right and I know he loved me and is watching over me. He used to say, “The first hundred years are the hardest.” He was 99 years and 9 months. Sometimes we don’t have a choice, but when you do…cut them loose!

Jen says:

I’ve commented on this blog a handful of times and am so glad I wandered over today…
I actually found your blog via for lack of a better term mutual friend after Maddie passed.
I am not a daily reader of any blog, nor am I now or have ever been a blogger. In exchanges and conversations with this person (who I have not had contact with in years)I was almost suspicious of her intentions toward you and your husband. I rationalized this was perhaps how bloggers interacted with each other IRL and let it go.
After reading your post this morning it all makes sense. I’m sorry we live in a world where people like grief vultures exist.

Shauna says:

This is so awful and something I’ve seen a lot, especially lately. Nothing like exploiting your friends in their most vulnerable state! I don’t know how these people sleep at night. Now that social media is HUGE (instagram, twitter, blogging, fb, etc!) I’ve seen people try and gain followers in every venue possible at the expense of their “friends” loosing a child. Basically their friends are going through the darkest times of their life and they’re trying to go viral, it horrifies me.

Molly says:

When my daughter passed away social media was not what it is today. I’m so glad it wasn’t. I’ve seen so many families go through this. Some people truly have nothing better to do than borrow other people’s tragedy.

Susan says:

This is very familiar; grief vultures tend to be very slippery, to the point where you’re not sure until later what was happening. Once you do realize it, it’s hard to voice it, because they’re carefully covered by a falsely 100% empathetic aura that you can look heartless for claiming they’re being vulure-like. You can’t even convince some people that they really were dealing with a grief vulture. That’s not something anyone, especially the grieving, should have to deal with.

MG says:

I’m having a hard time grasping too. Not doubting just trying to picture it. I can kind of think of a person that REALLY likes to share the personal details and act like they know it all about the family. Beyond that, I’m not sure. I agree with pp, I hope I’ve never added to anyone’s burden! I certainly have tried to step it up if I know someone is hurting. Mostly in the form of meals. It sounds like what Heather is saying goes far beyond that and we would know it when we see it? It’s sad to think about someone trying to gain in any way from others pain.

You would definitely know it when you saw it. If you’re concerned you’re acting like a vulture, you’re not, because vultures don’t care. Grief vultures are people who want attention and sympathy. They inflate their relationship with the bereaved and make a big show of the things they’re doing to help so people will say, “You’re SUCH a good friend!” They want everyone to know how close they are to the people grieving so others will ask if THEY are okay. They thrive on drama. They aren’t helping to help – they are helping for praise, attention, and drama.

E.B. says:

Heather, I am so sorry that you had to experience that additional pain after losing Maddie. I never really understood that these “grief vultures” existed, but I had a similar experience… not with a death, but with a marriage separation. I’m certainly not trying to compare death and separation, but rather the actions of the “vulture”. I confided in a “friend” who seemed sympathetic and encouraged me to talk about it, and then I later suspected that she’d been gossiping about the details with mutual acquaintances. I think there are some people who, like you said, are looking for attention, and are completely fine with exploiting the pain of others in order to get it.

Lauren says:

Katie says:

Ugh. I know exactly what you’re talking about and it always disgusts me. Some people will use ANY situation as an opportunity to gain attention and to feel “important,” but the passing of a baby should simply be off limits.

On a slightly related topic, I recently heard the term “instagrief” and would love to know your thoughts. It’s a term for the way we deal with grief through social media…particularly the death of a celebrity. I guess Paul Walker gained over a million Facebook fans after he died. Is grief different now that our lives are so public?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It’s complicated. I think people genuinely feel sad and touched by situations like Paul Walker’s, and clicking the “like” button is an easy way for them to show support, so to speak. It’s also a bit of curiosity, because people want to “know how it all turns out” and social media lets them follow along. I think some people feel like if they don’t respond on social media they are insensitive. It’s very interesting now, the way people grieve socially. I know I’m thankful that our experience with it was five years ago, when social media was much smaller and not as widely used.

Maria Keil says:

In my experience these are people that do not care but only want the information so they can gossip with others about what happened and/or point fingers at how horrible it was and how your life is SO horrible and what a horrible person you are as this happened to you. When my brother-in-law committed suicide 3 years ago people that I thought were my friends did this needless to say they are not my friends any more.
Maria Keil

Julia says:

I’ve been reading a lot of similar posts around the internet on how not to behave when someone is grieving. Much of the advice is contradictory because everyone grieves differently. I’ve tried to help in any way I can but I’m feeling a bit “frozen” as to how to behave in the future. it seems like anything can be mis-construed. the last thing I want to do is hurt someone already going through a very difficult situation.

My advice is always to say you’re so sorry and that you’re thinking about them always. Then, find out if there’s a way to help, and do it. Do it because you love them and want to help, not because you want everyone to know what a good friend you are. Remember their missing family member far beyond the immediate grieving period, and send notes of caring in the months and years following. Be the kind of friend you would want if the situation was reversed.

Deirdre says:

I think I know what Heather is talking about but I certainly don’t want to put words in her mouth. Several of you are asking for clarification on what’s being described here and I *think* what she’s describing is someone who is “helping” for their own selfish reasons and not always out of genuine concern. Every person has a certain, true, inner circle. When tragedy hits, often (but not always) that inner circle of friends rally around you. Then there’s the periphery. The others that flock out of the woodwork to help–many of those people are genuine too. But some are more interested in acting as the official family spokesperson without being asked to do so. It gives them a certain sense of importance, acting as though they are the inner circle. They may even act as though they are grieving just as much as the family is, relishing the attention they get from outsiders. I have a “friend” who inserts herself every time a friend or family member is going through a crisis and then posts about it on Facebook (and then gets a ton of comments from her friends on Facebook offering support to HER, not the actual person in crisis).

Damita says:

I think this is a great definition, Deirdre. Like you I don’t know if this is what Heather is describing from her own personal experience, but I think it captures the essence of what a grief vulture is. I also like Shea’s definition as well. It can mean different things depending on the situation, but essentially, a grief vulture is only interested in “being there” for you when they can get something out of it. I have one of these in my own family, as well, sadly.

I have never seen one out in the real world, I really hope I never do, what an awful thing to do. I’m sorry you dealt with that! i have definitely noticed it on social media though, it grosses me out how people try to gain followers and make money off of someone’s grief.

TonyaM says:

This post took me back six years in a flash. We lost my dad to cancer, and our vultures were family members. One in particular would come around, and within no time, the phone calls of concern would flood in. Because for nearly three years, this family member thrived on being the one who had all the scoop and got to deliver it. And it was always, always negative. In the end, I sent a mass email out asking that the immediate family be left to complete the journey with dad without visitors. And this aunt was…….LIVID. As was her daughter and husband. They were just so pissed that they couldn’t watch him die, I guess. Assholes. Anyway, they are barely a part of my life now, but I will never, ever forgive them for adding to our grief during those final days. My final f you to them was INSISTING on a closed casket, dad’s wish, even when mom was wanting it open “for all the family.” Mainly it was because it’s what dad wanted. But just a bit out of spite. I knew they wanted one last gawk. And wasn’t happening on my watch.

The bottom line is, as you so articulately expressed, is that there are
sick people who get a huge thrill, even if they are by your side crying with you, out of being in the center of the drama and trauma death
brings. And those people? Are just horrible people. The end. Sorry for hijacking your blog in the comment section. You struck a nerve. I love you. And you should write a book. Ok. Now I really am done.

Steph says:

Kim says:

I think that grief vultures are also those who “pre-empt” someone else’s grief and loss. They will act like they themselves lost a close friend or family member, complete with drama and hysterics, when in fact they barely knew the person or never met them at all.

Amy says:

I am not sure I understand this post. Is it possible that some people really showed up for you but felt like they needed to talk to others about it because it was such a draining experience? Or they felt so good about being therefor you that they wanted to share? I am just not convinced there is ill intent here and it is really hard to choreograph exactly the way you want people to behave in such a hard time (where many would be inclined to run away because they don’t know what to say). I am so, so sorry for your loss (long time reader) but for your own sake you may want to re-think this.

No Amy, I don’t need to rethink anything. This didn’t just happen to me, it’s happened to several commenters here, and almost all of the moms in my grief group. It’s not the people who need to decompress by sharing their experiences, it’s the people who help for their own gain. Grief vultures are people who want attention and sympathy. They inflate their relationship with the bereaved and make a big show of the things they’re doing to help so people will say, “You’re SUCH a good friend!” They want everyone to know how close they are to the people grieving so others will ask if THEY are okay. They thrive on drama. They aren’t helping out of love for the bereaved – they are helping for praise, attention, and drama.

Jackie says:

Heather, correct me if I’m wrong (I’m not looking to have the correct answer just trying to see if I can help clear the confused by giving the version of the way I see what you’re describing…It would be like me claiming “Oh my friends Heather and Mike lost their baby and I’ve been over there every night this week to cook and clean because they’re a mess and I can’t even sleep at night because I miss Maddie so much. It’s exhausting but I do it because I’m the only one they can rely on!” (Now tell me how tough it must be to have lost someone so close that I cared so much about and how the world needs more people like me because I’m a hero and a true blessing…because that’s what I want to hear!)

And furthermore, this isn’t about choreographing a response, it’s about protecting those who are vulnerable. I think I’ve made it clear time and again that I don’t begrudge anyone their responses to me when Maddie died, as long as their intent was good. These are people who do not have good intentions.

Lauren says:

I agree with this post 100%. You posted this at the right time for a lot of people to see. Grief vultures are nothing new, but social media lights a fire under them to do more damage than they used to. I have been disgusted by this and have seen it more and more, especially in recent weeks. Let those who are grieving do so peacefully and if you want to help, do it without hashtagging, expoloitation, and fake instagrief prayer proclamations. STOP IT NOW.

Lauren says:

Jessica says:

Agreed 100%. I truly hope those that really need to read this do so. And that when people see the grief vultures in action, they call them out on it and properly shame them. (Heather, I straight up support what you are trying to do. Seeing this in action lately is just disgusting.)

Jackson says:

Is it possible that people who feel they know you are just sharing information?

I do worry that people who have a different perspective are consistently ridiculed by the very people on this blog who you consider vultures in other venues. While NONE of us can walk in your shoes or know your pain, we do have different perspectives sometimes and I for one appreciate when people offer a different lens to understand a situation.

Courtney says:

Folks, this isn’t something Heather just made up to nitpick at well-intentioned people. This is a real, actual thing. Google “grief vultures” or “grief vampires.” Or better yet, just take Heather, a bereaved parent, at her word on this. Some of these comments are basically saying “I’ve personally never experienced or heard of this, therefore it must not be true, and you’re just imagining things.” Not okay.

Sarah G says:

I’m sorry if I kicked the whole thing off with asking for some clarification. My intention in asking for clarification was out of ignorance (not having been through a significant loss) rather than disbelief. In case I didn’t say it properly the first time, sorry for the pain these grief vultures brought you.

Kelly says:

The difference between someone who is trying to help but being inappropriate and a vulture is how they react when you politely ask them to knock it off or don’t respond with gratitude within 2 seconds of their “gracious” act. Vultures turn on you. Usually in a nasty, selfish manner. Or they totally cut you off. Non-vultures try to be understanding of the fact that you’re totally traumatized and they make allowances for you not responding IMMEDIATELY to their calls, emails, and visits. A woman actually called my mother SELFISH 2 weeks after she had major surgery for cancer and after she spent 8 days in the hospital, because Mom didn’t want non-family visitors right away, and this woman wanted to PRAY with her. Like RIGHT NOW. Even though mom isn’t even religious.

AmandaP says:

Ugh. An ex friend/ ex co-worker of mine is a grief vulture. Anytime anyone at work had a tragedy she was right there to show what a good friend she was. The latest was when a co-workers daughter passed away. She organized us all to bring meals to him and his wife and son (nice) and then criticized anyone who didn’t participate (not nice). And then talked badly about someone else at work who is his best friend at work saying that since they were closer friends with the bereaved then she should have taken on all that my friend did. All she did was talk about how she’s not even that close to our co-worker and all that she did for him and his family. He was very thankful for what she did but had no idea all the bad stuff my ex friend was saying to me.

Lauren says:

Those people are the worst of the worst. You would hope that hummans have evolved but sadly some have not. Interestingly people do this with divorce as well. Not that this is even in the same level with death of course. BUT there are people who come out of the woodwork when you are divorcing who pretend to be your friend and support you but then BLAB your personal info to the world, tell other peopl how stressed they are for you and even give you advice and get mad at you for not taking it beacause they “know ” you so well, you should listen etc. It takes all kinds.

Cathy S says:

Now I understand why I was so put off by a friend’s reaction to learning my oldest is transgendered. This ‘friend’ emailed me links to a couple of articles about the high suicide rates for transgender people. It left me sputtering with indignation, but now I realize this may very well be some preemptive grief vulturing.

I also found that they kind of pressured me to spend time with them. I could hardly spend time with anyone, my PTSD and grief was acute. But I’d get these emails and texts from them like they were feeling hurt that I wasn’t making time for them – after all they were grieving too. It’s definitely “a thing”.

I have seen this in extreme levels for the family of #redballoonsforryan. It sickens me how many grief vultures have hijacked that family’s tragedy all over social media. I am sorry you had to go through it as well.

Death brings out the best and worst in people. I did not understand this after Jake died. I figured it out and consider it one of the many things Jake taught me that helped me when Sawyer died 4 years later.

Jenn says:

I get it….and I saw it when we lost our 10 month old Goddaughter. We also had people (1 especially) who didn’t even know my friend, but called me to get ALL of information since she was told I was there. Not only did her call infuriated me, it also MADE ME SICK!!!! How people can do this especially to those who are directly related to and extremely close to the baby/child who passed. Needless to say, I not only did not return that phone call, I also blocked her out of EVERYTHING in my life.

Thanks for shinning a light on this serious and disgusting issue. No one deserves to be a victim to people like these. I’m glad you cut that person out of your life once you were told or you figured it out.

Molly says:

I’m glad you shared the collective wisdom from your grief group, showing that this is a shared occurrence. I think grief vultures are people with a lot of hurt in their own lives that they refuse to feel, and so they compulsively put themselves in the center of the grief of other people who are refusing to hide pain and feel ashamed of it, as the vultures do. They need to be near others’ pain because they refuse to be near their own. I don’t say this to excuse them; I think their refusal to be selfless when others are at their most vulnerable is despicable.

JT says:

We all know people who thrive on drama. Sometimes that takes a horrific turn and they latch onto tragedies. It’s just another way them to get attention and to feel important. I’ve experienced something similar with my grandmother’s recent death. But I’ve been able to see it in the moment, because the grief is such a different grief than with a child. I’m still disgusted at the people, but, luckily, I’m not feeling any of the other and emotions that you feel.

Don’t feel bad about how you got taken advantage of. The grief vultures did give you something that you needed at the time in the throes of your deep grief. They gave you someone to talk to and support. Unfortunately, they weren’t good friends, but you still got some support from them. I know you feel stupid and angry after the fact, but don’t focus on that. You didn’t let Maddie down.

(I hope this doesn’t come across as minimizing your feelings, just trying to say focus on the “positive” in a very very very bad situation.)

Laura says:

I’m curious if this (and the post about how parents say they “hug their children tighter” after hearing of a child passing) has any correlation to a fellow blogger mom who recently experienced a loss? Just curious…

Unfortunately, there have been two other child deaths in communities I belong to, so I’ve been watching this all play out with three different families over the last six weeks. It’s awful and so devastating to witness.

SaraF says:

I know people like this…maybe it’s a different variation of the grief vulture but the people who just latch themselves onto the drama of a tragic situation. Like…when something bad happens to someone else, they post about it on Facebook and write things like “oh my gosh, so scary, so awful, blah blah” even though they have NOTHING to do with it. it’s just someone they know. these people just love the drama and it makes me so upset! stop exploiting other people’s tragedies to make yourself feel popular!

Jenny says:

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Heather. I came back to read it again. I view the grief vultures, trauma hounds and hangers-on the same way. There are too many good people in the world to let those people take up any of my spots for friends. I’m so sorry that your grief included this experience.

My stepdad was very sick and hospitalized for a week. His daughters posted daily updates on Facebook and recv’d all of the head pats, love and support. Meanwhile, they only visited twice and didn’t do anything else to offer tangible support, such as a meal or respite care. I can’t hardly stand it. And, they live within 15 minutes and don’t have small children at home. I put them in the same category. I didn’t help or visit for the glory, and neither did I seek out support for doing what is right. The people who have good intentions do so because they are compelled to help others – the satisfaction is outward. The grief vultures and trauma hounds only “help” to serve themselves – it’s inward.

Ugh. Prolonged illness tends to really bring out the vultures. Jackie and I talked about it a lot, because she had them, but luckily had the wherewithal to kick them to the curb. I’m so sorry you went through that with your stepdad. xo

Hope says:

I totally agree with this post. I regret what I said to friends, cause I can just image what they might talk about behind me. It’s weird to see them again without knowing how they discussed behind me about me and my daughter’s passing. I actually kinda prefer new friends than old friends now.

Ana-Maria says:

Maybe I am just having a moment here or something but I am not certain I understand what you are meaning to say. I read a few random comments which just made me even more confused. People wanted to befriend you during your time of debilitating grief because ‘they’ wanted attention? Is this what you are meaning? I do not understand this. Perhaps we need a part II to better understand what you are saying here.

Ana-Maria says:

Oh dear. If persons actually do this, than you realize their behaivour says far more about them than it does about you. I am sorry if this has happened to you. I guess when you are so grief stricken you would not be able to see when somebody is taking advantage of you as your eyes and ears and mind are only on the most important one, the deceased. At least you know who you are enough, to know who you are not. There is just one more thing I do not understand. If you feel these persons only befriended you to get attention, why would you write a blog about their behaivour to give them more attention?

Ana-Maria says:

Ana-Maria says:

Ana-Maria says:

And I actually do not usually read other person’s comments as this blog is about you and your own feelings, experiences, family ext. so I try to limit outside influence of how I should feel about what you choose to share as much as I can. Not to mention the comments are intended for you, therefore we should all try to respect this and not but in as often as we can.

I once went through a very, very personal trial a few years back. And I shared it with only 4 close friends of mine. One of those friends told her mother, her mother-in-law, her close friend, and her BFF neighbor friend ALL about what was going on with me. I was completely mortified, because I see these people from time to time but I’m not close with them. When I asked why she would share it with others when she knew it was so personal to me, she replied, “Well, I have just been so upset about what you’re going through, and I’ve been helping you and giving you advice, and it’s been so emotionally draining…and people have been asked me what’s wrong, that I seem so sad and a bit “off” — so I had to explain.” Grrrrr. I was so mad. I felt so betrayed. Anyway, I know this isn’t exactly what you are referring to with a grief vulture, but making it about her and how upset MY personal trial made HER….ugh, to this day it still bothers me. But I learned from it, you know? Sometimes that’s all we can do in situations like these.

Jackie says:

Oh my. My mother passed away and there was a person, friend of my sister, who did just what you are describing. My mother passed suddenly and we didn’t have anything set up so we had a bit of a hard time figuring out how to raise funds for her services. The grief vulture in our life made a couple of boxes and spread out gofundme page all over her social media, which we appreciated… Until she threw it in our faces two days after the funeral. All her posts were about HER and how much she was doing and what a great friend she was… So when we cut her out of our lives she raised hell because we were being “ungrateful”. One thing we definitely weren’t was ungrateful.
3 months later she still believes 100% that she was right. There’s a lot more to the story but I believe that she is a grief vulture. Because we never spent time with the girl and for two weeks she came over everyday and acted like we were all family… Even took pictures of the funeral which we didn’t approve of… Shared them on fb and ig… Then when an issue was brought up to her … All of a sudden we were the most ungrateful people in the world.. And then she attempted to make herself the victim to get attention from that as well. It’s a terrible thing to go through especially when you are already dealing with the aftermath of losing a loved one… But some people are just screwed up.

Deirdre says:

As much as I would love grief vultures to read this post and have some sort of epiphany that they need to knock it off, I think the reality is they are way too self-absorbed and narcissistic (which I believe they are, even though it *seems* like they are always doing for others) to realize this post applies to them.

Adrianne says:

I think it’s possible that so many people are confused because the very idea of this behavior is a little mind blowing and unbelievable. Who could be so awful, ya know? But I’ve witnessed it happening all over instagram recently, so I know (though not through direct experience) that it’s a thing. It makes me wonder if these people have really even considered their intentions. It’s hard for me to fathom someone so cold hearted that they would actively think, how can I gain from this person’s loss? Like maybe they genuinely believe their own BS and think they are just being a good friend. Do you think that’s possible, or am I just entirely too naive? I’ve been known to give people way more credit than they deserve, so I could be way off base here. Either way, it’s a sad situation all around, and I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that in the midst of the most unimaginable grief:(

Oh yes, I think some start with good intentions and get really swept up in the attention and lose sight of WHY they are getting attention, etc. But there are definitely some that do this on purpose. We dealt with one when Jackie was sick. S/he was a volunteer with a cancer organization, so s/he had access to lots of terminal patients. S/he always managed to be there at the end of the patient’s life…people s/he had no history with, no reason to be with during such an intimate, intense moment. I am trying to not get too into it here because it still makes me and my friends so upset. S/he is a really awful, awful person.

Jerilynn says:

Heather, did you report this person to the organization? I think they would want to know. Seriously, this person is no different from a “funeral crasher”. It is horrifying to think that someone purportedly volunteering time and energy to support and organization is inserting him/herself into the most raw and naked of final moments. I’m enraged thinking about this and I think that this should be brought to said organization’s attention. I’m sorry you have this memory to exacerbate the sadness you already feel about Jackie!’s passing. Ugh.

Yes, that’s the other reason I’m being a little vague about the details. Several of us wrote to the local chapter head to make sure they were aware of what was going on. We definitely wanted to make sure s/he couldn’t do this anymore.

Dina says:

I watched this play out on Facebook a couple of years ago. The sad thing is that I don’t think she could see it, but everyone else could and were embarrassed for her. I felt bad for the family also because she really invaded their privacy.

Jenna says:

I had a former co-worker who is a grief vulture. You know one when you see one. This person pretended as though she knew the deceased well when she didn’t. She made a big production of her grief at the funeral and even asked the widow to allow her to speak, which she did in a dramatic fashion. In fact, I strongly believe that the emotional story she told at the funeral was made up. It was sickening to watch her in action. She loved the attention. Providing comfort to a family in need and feeling good about assisting a friend is appropriate, but doing so for the approval and attention of people who are not grieving is deplorable.

Colleen says:

Many Hugs Heather. I have always been sad to see this happening to you and am also sorry for your friends going through it now. I think people (your friends who do not require the banner waving) have a hard time calling out others who are the grief vultures is because they don’t want to create drama when there doesn’t need to be any. From what I have witnessed grief vultures, if nudged, would squawk louder and glorify in the attention from that. It is all around sick.

KaraB says:

Sara says:

I think that with social media being what it is now, tragedy also often brings a certain degree of celebrity, and grief vultures want to be part of the celebrity. They want to be IMPORTANT and KNOWN, and sometimes they want more blog followers, etc too.
Sorry for any of you that have had to deal with this.

Chelly says:

I have a friend who I think is like this. She truly has the best of intentions, I believe, but she “spreads it on too thick”. For example, one of her friends (not a close friend) was diagnosed with a serious illness. My friend immediately started a gofundme page, tshirt campaign, and meal train. All of which were helpful and I’m sure appreciated. Then she took some time off work “to deal with it”. She was very depressed and mopey, and just a little too eager to share the sad details with just about anyone. She also demanded a lot of her friends time, visits, calls, texts…getting very upset when she didn’t receive an immediate or less than favorable response. I truly feel like her heart was in the right place, but that it’s just gotten out of hand. Any advice?

Linda says:

These people must have some sort of issue that perhaps requires psychiatric help. I know of a situation in which a family’s child was murdered. This lady, who did not known the family or anything about them or have any interaction with them or their children described herself as being traumatized and devastated by what happened. I don’t think so. The parents get to be traumatized and devastated not a complete unknown stranger. They can feel sad or whatever, but again an attempt to agrandiase themselves.

Zchamu says:

Not sure why this post just popped up in my feed, but I will just say a big HELLZ YEAH. I once knew someone who fully and thoroughly inserted himself into another family’s emergency that he became the centre of attention, sending out daily “update” emails to dozens of people and basically becoming the face of their tragedy. It left a very sour taste in my mouth and I could never quite put a name on it – grief vulture is perfect.

Kelsae says:

Thank god someone posted this…I have someone who is almost a level above grief vulture that has somehow managed to leech off of BOTH sides of my family(mothers & fathers sides) now she has stooped to an all new low as my close family friend has just lost his little brother. she was very quick to post on fb that SHE was the first person he contacted when really he called his family. She has been milking the attention with post after post of how upset she is and how much support SHE needs when really she hardly knew him, and my friend had recently dumped her for being manipulative and selfish. not to mention she had been mooching off my parents and staying in MY OLD ROOM and she is a full grown woman. 5-6 years older than me to be exact. I am furious that she caused a scene the same night of the event and made everything about her when he was so clearly upset. The only reason i havent called her out is out of respect for my friend. I dont even know what you would call that excuse for a human.