Author
Topic: Stump Speech from Another Universe (Read 430 times)

Folks, you know, when we started this trip four years ago, we knew it wouldn't be easy. Life on the road -- as many of you know, especially now that you've spent the last couple of weeks crammed inside those barricaded Campaign Buses -- life on the road is never easy. It's hard. Because you don't know from one day to the next what chance is going to throw your way. You might hit a pothole. You might have a flat tire. You might get raided by some band of ungodly butchers and left to die on the side of the highway. It's a rough place out there, on the road. But you don't even have to be out there to know that. You see what it's like on TV, on the News.

And you don't have to go careening down some lonesome highway to know how hard life can be. All you have to do is live it. You're out there every day, making the wheels of this country turn. Driving the axles with your backs, greasing the gears with your sweat -- sometimes with your blood. And we... well, we appreciate you. That's why we've invited you here to Washington tonight. To help us turn the wheels of Democracy again. In a few minutes we're going to witness the Election -- the first one in over two decades! You've worked hard for this moment and now your work is paying off. And you'll have a chance to see the New Direction this country is going to take. With your help, we'll turn back the tide of hopelessness and despair that has gripped this country, and we'll steer onto a safer path, a safer highway. For us, and for our kids. And for their kids.

You see, folks, here at America, we're dedicated to your safety. And to improving your experience in every way we can. Our commitment to you is stronger than the straps that keep you all from accidentally falling out of those seats; in this auditorium, and all across this great nation, we like to think of you as Honored Guests. That's right, all of you. Even those of you who might not feel the same way about us. We're all in it together! And tonight we're going to show you just how committed we are to making your citizenship experience a comfortable and rewarding one.

By now you may be feeling a little drowsy. That's the Relaxo Mist we've treated the air with in here. That's fine, go ahead and slouch a little. Get comfortable. You've earned it! In a moment, you'll see party officers begin to make their way through the crowd. Make sure you raise your arm when you see one so you can receive your complimentary copy of Body Politic, our new all-swimwear edition Congressional roster. You need to be acquainted with the people who represent you in government! That's right, folks. Go on and snooze a little.

Now, if I can draw your attention to the screen above my head. Right now it's just showing a test pattern, but in a moment that will be replaced with scenes from America's history. From the signing of the Gettysburg Address to the Declaration of Codependence. It's silent, but we think you'll get the message. For now just watch those test patterns and lie back. Your seats are automatically reclining now, good. Breathe deeply. Inhale the Relaxo Mist. Citizens like you deserve an election like this.

All right. I think we're done passing out the Body Politic books. Now, watch as Abraham Washington sits at his desk. Did you know, back then, people used to manually draw their words? Just a little trivia for you. Now, you all look relaxed. Good. Listen, folks. We've got an important message for you.

What you all did out there in the streets last November was dangerous. We understand people get frustrated. We understand that. We do. But we have a country run here, and we can't have citizens just... just out there, talking to people about things. Look, we're sure you will soon understand. We have a way of life to defend. Families. Security. We have values that can't be compromised! So, as you watch the scenes play out overhead, your seats are injecting you with a special serum designed to elicit a more... reasonable disposition from you. Now listen. There is nothing wrong with the government looking after your safety. That's our job! And if doing that means citizens have to let us take a close look at your lives, well, when you have nothing to hide you hide nothing. Now, we know you're not criminals. We know you're only looking out for what you think your rights are. That's admirable, in a way, but it's misplaced. The kind of place you want to live in doesn't exist. Not anymore, not here. No, America has changed! We protect your fundamental Freedoms: Freedom from Fear; Freedom from Instability; Freedom from Change; and Freedom from Each Other. There are no other freedoms, and your crackpot history just doesn't mesh with the new America.

Now as the softening agent permeates your bloodstream, you will feel weightless -- euphoric. Don't be alarmed. This is normal. In fact this is how every citizen feels when America is working. Shortly you'll be placed back in the Campaign buses and reintegrated into Society. We know you'll do much better this time. We have faith in you. We know you don't want to come back here next year, and end up like the people on Bus 3A7b.

"We know that all of you out there in the audience are true patriots, and we wanted a way to showcase you - SKREEEEE, blipblip - This is the dawning of the age of aquarius, the age of aquarius, aquarrrrrrrius - SCRITCH, CRACKLE - ...and I'm proud to be an american -" click. Fuck radio.