Hey,
hello! Hi there ladies and gents, it's time for another of my weird tales.

It's
come to my attention that a number of you weren't all that crazy about my
last adventure, 'The Haunted Houseboat'™, the story of how I won a ten
million dollar bet from James Cameron by staying on his damnable ship from
hell for twenty-four hours.

Many
viewers claimed that I didn't act tough enough, and of this I plead guilty.
I was trying to show a different, more nuanced side, but in show biz a man
needs to stick with what he knows.

Some
of you blamed a lackluster performance by Jumpin' Joe Lieberman. I want to
make it clear that I stand 100% behind Joe. And oh, you should see all the
whining and moaning about the appearance of Reese Witherspoon I've had to put up with. 'She
was hardly in the story, John'. Well, pipe down, people, it was a guest
appearance, and we're lucky to have had her at all.

And
yes, I'll agree that the supporting actors were a bit underutilized,
although I'm pleased to say that one of them showed genuine star power, and
is here tonight as my new sidekick. Say hello to TV Zombie!

Thank you, John McCain. Our top story today is on John McCain, who
yesterday announced that he would be running for president of the United
States. 98% of Republicans and 94% of Democrats expressed surprise, saying
that they thought John McCain had already been running for years.

So
that explains the lack of coverage. Today was the formal announcement. The
others were all just... What else you got for us, Zombie?

That's
all I've got, John McCain.

There's
no more John McCain news?

Sorry,
John McCain, but ever since HBO premiered 'James Cameron presents John McCain
on The Haunted Houseboat', the coverage on you has thinned quite a bit.

Curse
my overbearing ego! What made me think I could both direct the first episode
of the show and star in it as well? Damn you, Woody Allen, you make it all
look so deceptively easy.

AWWKK!

Oh.
I'm sorry, folks. Chucky is trying to say that it's time to introduce
tonight's
chilling new episode of Weird Tales, a mind blistering episode that might
just shake you down to the naked foundation of your most primal fear. Tell
us what it's called, Chucky.

AWWKK!

That's
right, it's called 'The Call of Cthulhu', and it's based on a story of the
same name by the very scary H.P. Lovecraft. Lets open the crypt door and
begin....

John McCain's
Weird Tales is proud to present...

Get
that phone for me, would you Karl? I don't know what's happened to all my
secretaries.

Good
morning. White House, Office of the President, how the heck may I help you?

Go'od
mor'ningah. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

I'm
sorry, but I can't understand a thing you're saying. Could you try that
again in English?

Go'od
mor'ningah. Mayg I spe'ak to G'eor'ge Bushgn pl'ease.

Who
may I tell him is calling...

Dread
Cthulhu.

Okay,
Mister Cthulhu, hold a sec... Hey, Boss, you know anybody by the name of Dread
Cthulhu?

Great
Lord Cthulhu! How the hell did he get my office number? I... I guess I
better take it.

Cthulhu
fhtagn. How you doin', big guy? ......yeah... yeah... yeah, it has been, but
not long enough for me... No... No... Just kidding, I was just kidding.
Cthulhu fhtagn.... okay... okay... Next Friday might be... Okay, then,
we'll go by your schedule... Cthulhu fhtagn.

Wah
hoo hoo hoo. You were really kowtowing there, boss. I've never seen you
kowtow like that before.

Shut
up, Turdflower. I'll kick your ass later, but now it's imperative that I
tell you a story that might just shake you down to the naked foundation of
your most primal fear. It's a tale about a man - nay, not a man, but a
monstrous thing - a thing beyond time and space that is known as the high
priest of the Great Old Ones. A thing known as Lord Cthulhu.

Not
real? Is the wind not real, nor the stars, nor the night? Does not the
Necronomicon say "That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange
aeons even death may die." I know that Lord Cthulhu is real, for I myself
have stared in quivering awe upon his face.

.

Coming Next - Part 2, The President's Tale

But alas, there would never be a part 2. Or maybe
there was and I accidentally deleted it. Or it sucked and I deleted it on
purpose. What the hell. We'll never know.