Tuesday, September 30

When all is swell and everything is going on smooth you still sometimes get an eerie feeling about it all. Like the silence before the storm. Premonitions from the subconscience.

Can't describe it in words. Its probably something am not willing to accept or even acknowledge. Pretension perhaps.

Since I don't know what it is, all I can do is hope that in time I will learn to ignore it blindly just as I've had to do with somethings in life. What I hate the most about this is how lax I am making that feeling the scapegoat. *grrrr*

Friday, September 26

Saw this movie 13th floor off-late and then a chain of thoughts. For someone who loves the Real Adventures of Johny Quest (esp. the episodes with Quest World) and 'The Matrix' there is no choice about liking this movie. I had these random and two parallel track of thoughts firing chaotically. So lemme keep em separate.

The second my readers might find it interesting so lemme get rid of the first quickly. It about reality. Much like stated in texts around the philosophy of the matrix you never know if you are in the real world, for what you believe is real could just be electrical pulses and circuit boards. Neither movies talk of that explicitly coz movies need a happy ending and people don't like to leave a theatre with more questions than answers. But they did leave me thinking.

Makes me wonder if we are just program links to being in the after-world. And when we die we become part of em. That sorta contradicts population explosion :D. But some of my friends say that this is pretty much what is being said in the Vedas and some other sacred text. Only we today brand it in the name of science and technology while those days all that was there was religion and philosophy.

Time an again I just end up with the conclusion that humans get inebriated when we get to make a choice even if it were one we were made to take ;). We are so addicted to it. But this time the line of thought I summarized in the second part of the post came into my mind

Fundamentally all humans being are egotists who are fanatic about the choices they make in their lives, living out their lives justifying the choice in the name of joy / satisfaction etc.

It doesn't matter if the person actually made a choice or no but as long as the person feels they did they are happy. Gosh am talking in Absolutes now!Apart from the sci-fi side of the movie there was a sublime aspect to it. Like manirathnam puts it, the easiest topic and one that looks most beautiful on the silver screen - Love.

In this movie the female lead falls in love with a being in the virtual world. It might sound hilariously silly as it may sound but it does happen in our world (even if it weren't the real) without us quite realizing it. This thought immediately reminded me of this movie - "You've got a mail". It sorta got me into thinking that its not the physical being per-se that such love are built on but rather the character as portrayed by the other being (real or virtual). And it only works as long as you are able to see that character in the other being. Unfortunately change is the only constant. I wonder if this is why people keep changing their partners. When I come to think of it, it might not be all that wrong. What if you had a virtual world with virtual beings with whom you could live and not put up a minute more than you choose to, such as when they no longer have the character you once loved. I know its too far fetched, sounds unethical and mebbe even gross. But we are all just entwined in a thirst to make choices which eventually gratifies our senses and makes us feel important or in control. What would you do then?

Some people call such an act lack of culture or value. Hmm. That makes me wonder if culture can be as dogmatic as religion. Am not surprise the two are so related or derived.

This again got me into thinking about people and compatibility. (A conversation I had off-late sparked this). I somehow feel that no two people in this world are compatible. And its only a matter of time till you hit the incompatible zone and things bomb. I somehow felt people who seemed to be compatible are not (necessarily - that was for people who believe such things exists) people who really are but who choose to be so.

It is a choice, not fate. Sometimes we feel things have got to the end of the road and that it was not meant to be, never. We start substantiating with a million reasons for why it wasn't meant to be so. On the other side the same person found a million reasons for it to be so. Does the word incompatibility ring bells in your mind now? I see it more as a will than something consequential or pre-destined. Blaming it on something external (such as incompatible, fate, never meant to be so) are words and phrases we use as a scapegoat. To make it lighter on ourselves.Now that I've written so much crap let me finish this with one question. Have you ever experienced being in love with a virtual being (someone without physical presence in proximity or in this world) or known people who do? What is it like?

No questions on the former as its more of what you choose to believe in :p.

Wednesday, September 24

Reflections of reality

I usually watch movies with an awe and yes sometimes I do get glued to movies like 'The Matrix' kind. But not too often have I seen movies that reflect reality.

During the past few movies I watched on the silver screen there have been so many instances where I felt it was said at me. Not too strangely they are true incidents in my life which were being portrayed and the situation not too dissimilar except for the dramatics. It was Déjà Vu for me, as if a reflection of the real, from the past on the silver screen. As if I was looking back in time and hearing words which were spoken from the eyes of another person.

Only movies have the leverage to twist the tale to a happy ending. Unfortunately life is a bit more rude; we just decide to be happy with what we have not willing to make compromises. In a movie those compromises are considered sweet, making it like in a fairy tale enticing us to wish for it in real life. But when it comes to life outside the theater walls we consider them unworthy or we lack the courage to do what it takes!

They say life is filled with signs and hints to decide on the road to take ahead. Am wondering if we have become self conceited to ignore em all and do things otherwise. The catch is you'll never know what a road has to offer until to step in. Unfortunately many such roads that we take in our lives are one-way ;).

Sunday, September 14

Out of place

Sometimes you stand watching the world only to a vertigo effect.

You are wide awake (not dreaming) but you feel like you are standing while the camera thatz focusing on you makes a vertigo effect. Its your mind which acts as the camera looking at you. The vertigo effect means that your mind knows the world around is distorted and it feels disorienting. Disturbed!

But then thats how reality is :). Just like all the others we pretend and cruise along.

All of a sudden I get this feeling that I don't know myself! I don't feel like myself. Crap, but still :D. It was probably the effect of being at the terrace, high above all :).

Friday, September 12

In memory of his guru

Just one amongst the many many lives that a legend from Perumthottam shaped :). What can I say - proud to have been born in you lineage!

Dear Sri Nathan,

Words are but frail substitutes and poor vehicles to express my sense of gried on the sad demise of my revered Guru - your father.

The other day, when I came to share my feelings with you, you were away performing rites & hence this letter.

The association with your father cannot be measured by the number of years that I work with him but by the quality of relationship that existed between us. It was beyong the conventional realm of friendship / philosopher / guide.

If I could boast of any little knowledge of banking, it was all due to the strong foundation that he laid for me. He was a colossus among the giants of his time. Not a day passed without the then Regional Manager phoning my guru seeking some reference in current / past circular issued by Head Office under various headings. He was a repository of knowledge yet humble and had not pretentions if he was unaware if a thing. Though wedded to the profession as a management expert he carefully divided his time between the chores of domestic front and officialdom.

A loving father, devoted husband, the patriarch of the joint family, a disciplinarian, administrator, he guided everyone in the right direction in their own fields. At workplace, he never let down anybody and had the moral courage to shoulder the responsibility for the mistakes commited by his subordinates. He had a large heart to praise the staff in front of others and chide them for their faults in private. I may required reams of paper and barrels of ink to describe his handling of men and matters during his banking career. Hence I confine only to what comes uppermost in my mind.

He never minced matters when opinion was sought on issues. He was respected by management and unions / associations. A rare event those days. He used to draw lines even in an informal chatting so that none exceeded the limit, unwittingly even inviting comments.

At a time when "overtime" income was considered to be the principal income and "salary" as subsidiary income, due to his time management and shuffling of staff, the payment of overtime was the minimal wherever he headed.

His style of inspection of hypothecated godwns / stocks was not a mere ritual. In the presence of the customer himself he would correlate the movements of stock and operation in the current a/c so that the borrowers never fudged figures & always kept on tenter hooks.

As I said earlier, his deeds cannot be confined to writing on a fullscape paper. He was an encyclopedia & I had the previlidge to read it from close quarters.

I have no words to console other than saying God alone is the consoler and Time along is the healer.

Who would have imagined! My Doctor asked me not to blow I never listened just coz he never said why! Rather all he said was that blowing nose is a torture to your nostril which al already inflamed.

Its the second day now and am thankful that I was able to sleep a bit last night at least. The previous night featured tossing and turning around until I was too tired to stay awake which wasn't too far from when my alarm struck. I knew all the pain had to be something with my blowing the nose like that. And then I bumped into this - How to blow your nose. As silly as it may sound people like me would appreciate it :p.

It wouldn't take more than a minute so do read it. It can save you from a few bad days ;).