Chicago Crush: Samantha Irby

Sarah Terez Rosenblum (@SarahTerez) is an MFA-holding writer, teacher and Spinning instructor. She's also the Theater Listings Editor for Centerstage Chicago. Look for her posts twice a week.

In June I introduced the first installment of Chicago Crush, a monthly blog post highlighting the latest object of my affection. (http://blogs.suntimes.com/ourtown/2010/06/introducing_the_crush_of_the_m.htm) This month I’m back with a gem I unearthed on the World Wide Web, the best thing to happen to passionate admirers since binoculars. [Editor’s Note: By “passionate admirers,” she means “stalkers.”] Author of the cutting and irreverent blog bitchesgottaeat.com, my new crush is truly going places, and I’ll be following her. [Editor’s Note: By “following” she means from 30 paces behind and carrying an upside-down newspaper.]

STR: So why blog?SI: I started in earnest about a year ago because my gorgeous and bossy friend Laura told me I should. I have way too much to say about everything, and I’m pretty sure she was tired of being the only one forced to listen. Now I have an outlet, the entire universe has to.STR: What about the format do you enjoy?SI: It makes my work immediately accessible to thousands of people. I’m still working on a novel I thought I’d finished two years ago [but] it’s not really sexy to ask someone to read two out-of-context chapters of my unedited manuscript so they can see just how incredible I am, and I try to steer everything I do toward impressing people who one day might let me see them naked.STR: Your blog persona in no-holds barred. Regrets?SI: None whatsoever. I like to jam out with my clam out and tell everyone all about it, but I’m also brutally honest when I fail.STR: What misguided perceptions might readers have?SI: That I’m a hilarious android who doesn’t have feelings. The whole point is to curse and make jokes and talk about fun, naughty stuff. You wouldn’t want to read if I wrote about butterflies and rainbows shooting out of my ass.STR: Describe your perfect day.SI: Seventy degrees with a light lake breeze, and I’m allowed to sleep until 1 in the afternoon because everyone I know is dead. (That’s the only way I would ever be left alone long enough to get that much sleep.) Brunch at Orange, or maybe some tacos, followed by cupcakes from Molly’s and cocktails, then back in bed with a book by 5 p.m. Four-thirty if it’s a really good day. And if I could accomplish all of those things while also watching television, that would escalate the day from “perfect” to “glorious.”STR: Relationship dealbreaker?SI: Bad grammar. Dishonesty? Great. Adultery? Love it. Just don’t write “your awesome” on my stupid Valentine’s Day card.STR: Your first crush?SI: I have passionate, burning love for Forrest Whitaker that began when I was young and will never die.STR: Why are you crush-worthy?SI: I am detail-oriented, resourceful, trustworthy, efficient and discreet. My experience in fast-paced work environments demanding strong organizational, technical and interpersonal skills makes me an ideal candidate for this position.STR: Any questions for me?SI: You know I can hear you breathing when you’re hiding under my bed at night, right? Next time crawl out and join the party.

Samantha Irby is a stunted adolescent who spends her free time drinking fancy beer, eating expensive macaroons and writing about smart ladies, dumb dudes, music, tacos and diarrhea. She’ll read July 25th at 7:30 pm at The Sunday Night Sex Show at The Burlington, but you can find her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at bitchesgottaeat. Writing about herself in the third person feels oddly satisfying to her.