Lost

I feel so lost tonight. I miss my house so much. I miss my little bug. Too much changed this year and I feel so scattered. I looked at a few houses tonight- no go. Nothing is calling to me. I don’t know what I need in a home now. I’m drawn to wide open spaces, a nice yard and a big kitchen. I want all the things I ever wanted in a house this time, but it’s only me. I needed those things when the kids were little and growing up and I couldn’t afford them. Makes me so sad. My life just went haywire more than a few times and now time is getting shorter and shorter. I can’t seem to make myself happy either. Oh, I feel happiness. I feel joy. I feel and know that my life will be ok. But, I have such regret. I have such pain. I have such a longing for something but I don’t know what it is. I need something and I can’t idenitify it. All I know is- something is missing.

I guess part of it is closure. I need to be done with chapter 2 before I can move on. I hope that will be soon- at least legally. Emotionally and mentally, I don’t know how to get closure with this. It makes me almost physically sick to think about what happened between me and him; about how he is now; about how he treated me; about what is going to become of him. I can’t help feeling worried. This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t how I wanted things to go. I tried. I really did and I hit the wall. I wish I could explain it to him. I wish he could understand. But, that will never happen. I didn’t explain well enough before and I know he doesn’t understand. Now, he’s a shell of a person and it hurts.

I don’t know how to just stop thinking about him and us and how it was in good times. And I know, even the good times weren’t enough. There were so many bad times. A person shouldn’t feel how I was feeling for so long and be in a relationship. It wasn’t right. I know that. I will be happier in the long run on my own. I know that too. This time period though, it’s killing me.