Because I
walk around the house naked way more than my wife would prefer, she recently
played a joke on me. As I sometimes like to do, I donned only flip-flops to
enter our garage and get something from my tool shelf. I was a full 20 feet
inside when I heard the garage door rumble open.

I had to
give her credit. This not only related her point perfectly—that I am perhaps
not wearing pants as often as I should—but was undeniably hysterical. However,
then I heard the voices of little children playing outside, near our driveway.

State
laws that require pedophiles and rapists to register as sex offenders are a
good thing. They prohibit them from being near schools, parks, or playgrounds,
and make their identities easily learned by new neighbors and employers.

But some
of the criminals listed on “offender locator” apps deserve to be there way less
than others. In fact, you may have committed some of the very same crimes that
got them listed alongside playground prowlers.

You may
be a sex offender if. . .

1. You pee in public

Juan
Matamoros was arrested for public urination in Massachusetts in 1986. And that branded him
a sex offender to this day in Florida,
which lists his crime as “Sex Offense, Other State (Open and Gross Lewd &
Lascivious Behavior—2 Counts).”

In 2007, Matamoros had to move his
family because he was not allowed to live within 2,500 feet of a city park, and
his registry entry now lists him as “transient.”

In 2005,
a construction worker, who just so happened to be a Mexican immigrant, was
caught by a police officer peeing behind a garbage can in an alley. He was
arrested and convicted of public urination within 100 yards of a Chicago
school, and was eventually deported from the U.S. as part of Homeland
Security’s “Operation Predator.”

According
to Human Rights Watch's 2007 review of sex offender laws, sex-offender status
for public urination is possible in at least 13 states. It's difficult to
estimate how many people are listed just for public urination, since the crime
is usually described with words like “lewd” and “lascivious”—which could refer
to other activities.

Regardless,
when you have to urinate so bad that holding it is no longer an option, you
might want to consider just peeing in your pants. It may ruin the rest of your
night, but the rest of your life will be spared.

2. You’ve ever paid for a
prostitute

Are you
one of the 14 percent of American men who, according to a 2013 study published
in the Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology, have ever paid
for sex? Of course, you're not. Neither am I.

But if
you were—just hypothetically—you've committed what is considered a registerable
offense in six states.

3. You have a laptop and it's
connected to the Internet and there are children nearby

In 2004,
Julie Amero—a 37-year-old substitute teacher in Norwich, Connecticut—was
teaching a seventh grade language class when her laptop computer, which was
visible to students, began displaying pop-up ads for pornographic websites.

“The
pop-ups never went away,” she said, according to a court transcript. “It was
one after another. They were continuous. Every time I clicked the box in the
corner, the red box, the red X, more were generated.”

When
parents learned of the unexpected sex lesson, charges were filed against
Amero—a total of 10 counts of “risk of injury to a minor, or impairing the
morals of a child.”

Facing 40
years behind bars and a required sex offender registration, the teacher pleaded
guilty to a misdemeanor charge and surrendered her state teaching credentials.

“Everybody
out there should be afraid,” she said during an interview in 2009
with Good Morning America. “If it can happen to me, it can certainly
happen to you.”

4. You have consensual sex with a
teen while you are a teen

The state
of Georgia
considered Wendy Whitaker a sex offender for life because, when she was 17, she
gave oral sex to a 15-year-old male classmate.

Not until
she was 31—after she and her husband were forced to move three times—did a
judge release her from her obligation to re-register, thanks to 2010 changes in
the law that allows certain sex offenders to appeal their status.

5. You are a parent who allows
your teen to have sex

When
Janet Allison's 15-year-old daughter got pregnant in 2002, she allowed her
17-year-old boyfriend to move into her Georgia home. This got her
convicted for “being a party to child molestation.”

She
remains a registered sex offender—even though her daughter later married the
boyfriend.

6. You hug another child

As of
2013, according to the Wall Street Journal, five Colorado residents were still
forced to register as sex offenders because of crimes they committed as
teens—including one 13-year-old boy accused of “trying to constantly hug a girl
at his elementary school.”

7. You are naked inside a garage
when your wife opens the door

Okay, so
this one is speculation. As far as I can tell, nobody has ever been labeled as
a sex offender for being visibly naked in their own garage. But there have been
close calls.

Probably
the worst happened to Eric Williamson, a guy in Springfield, Virginia
who was charged with indecent exposure after a woman and her 7-year-old
daughter saw him standing naked, at around 5:30 in the morning, next to his
carport doorway.

A Virginia jury acquitted him of all charges, but according
to the Washington
Post, his “legal bills would probably wind up being between $10,000 and
$15,000.”

Since
online journalism barely pays me more than that, I can’t afford to get
embroiled in a legal battle about how much scrotum I’m allowed to reveal in my
garage.

Luckily,
I think faster than garage doors open, and I was able to conceal myself before
my wife exposed me to the neighborhood. She promises that she’s done with
pranks, but I may be wearing pants around the house a little more often. At
least in the literal way.

Disclaimer:

This blog is for informational purposes only; I strive to provide accurate and current information.

I do not claim to be a legal resource and suggest you always consult with a licensed Attorney and the Virginia State Police’s Sex Offender Hotline (804) 674-2825 where needed.

I advocate for data-driven, proven reform as opposed to the current knee-jerk, myth-driven, one-size-fits-all method in Virginia. I do not support abolishment of the registry and that is why I do not link to other groups or sites with an abolishment goal or ones with radical tactics.

This blog is not affiliated with any other group and does not solicit donations because it is not an incorporated non-profit.