oil

‘We Really Dodged A Bullet There,’ Says Executive

IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.

GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media.

HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill.

AUSTIN, TX—Hailing it as a promising potential fuel source with vast untapped reserves, researchers at the University of Texas revealed Wednesday that they are attempting to harness the abundant energy produced by the nation’s intense fracking...

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

The average price of a gallon of gas is at its lowest level since April 2009, giving rise to speculation about why the cost of oil continues to drop and how long consumers can expect the trend to last.

RAPID CITY, SD—Excavating hundreds of miles of trench following the defeat of a Senate bill that would have approved the project, dozens of desperate GOP congressmen were reportedly spotted in rural South Dakota Thursday trying to build the Keystone...

HARRISBURG, PA—With both sides increasing their initial offers for the prized asset, multinational energy companies ExxonMobil and Chevron Corporation are currently locked in a fierce bidding war to obtain a lucrative Pennsylvania senator, sources c...

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Monday by the Department of Energy, given current consumption habits and the dramatic projected increases in demand from developing countries, it is extremely fortunate that the planet has an inexhaustible ...

LONDON—A year after the tragic explosion and oil spill that caused petroleum giant BP to cease operations in the Gulf of Mexico, the company announced Wednesday that it was once again ready to begin oil spilling.

ExxonMobil Vows Lenient Treatment For Any Species That Surrenders Voluntarily

IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from ExxonMobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily. “I want every bird, fish, marine mammal, and all other flora and fauna to know that any among them who willingly submit to us now without putting up further resistance can expect to be shown a degree of mercy,” said company CEO Rex Tillerson, who added that wildlife will be given a 60-day window to accept the multinational energy conglomerate’s terms and turn themselves in at one of ExxonMobil’s corporate offices. “It is important you understand that your situation is completely hopeless. However, if you end this struggle now and give yourself up to us of your own will, I guarantee you will be spared and treated with a level of dignity, with only a modest punishment. This is far more than I can say for those species who refuse our generous proposal.” Tillerson also offered a substantial reward to any species who provides information about other remaining holdouts.

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WASHINGTON—According to a report published Monday by the Department of Energy, given current consumption habits and the dramatic projected increases in demand from developing countries, it is extremely fortunate that the planet has an inexhaustible ...

LONDON—A year after the tragic explosion and oil spill that caused petroleum giant BP to cease operations in the Gulf of Mexico, the company announced Wednesday that it was once again ready to begin oil spilling.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.