Confessions of a modern-day renaissance woman

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Forgive this next entry, but my speed train has almost pulled into the station and I refuse to just travel patiently! I’m trying to relish these last few moments before I have to disembark…

As spring turns to summer all I can think of is how can I relish these last few weeks – days – hours before I have to give up a decade that has shaped me so much? It saw my confidence grow which in turn, gave me a better sense of self. It saw me turn (more like bumble) into motherhood, not once, but blissfully and blessedly, twice. It tested my every boundary and forced me to accept some very hard truths and change. And yet, through all of the upheaval, it was kind as it surrounded me with great friends, a wonderful family and some of the most amazing opportunities and experiences that were beyond imagination…

And so you can see why I’m panicking? Why I’m having trouble letting go?

It’s been just over a quarter of a year (good effect and makes things sound longer and more significant) since “the departure”. The identity crisis is starting to take a back seat to this glorious weather and I’m starting to find my groove. I knew it would take some time to get over the routine of career and that I would be overwhelmed with all sorts of emotion (again, dramatic effect but deservedly so). I was certain in the fact that I would have to respond to the same questions over and over again…all while not knowing the answers myself. Yet, stepping out of my boundaries has been good. I say this cautiously because for the first time in almost forever the future is an empty canvas that I can paint however I like…and I must say, I am enjoying the vastness of it all. And as one of my very dear friends said, being “unpredictable” – perhaps a word I would never, ever use to describe myself.

Just a couple of weeks ago, my biggest challenge was getting through homework, ensuring we made it to my son’s end-of-year school concert and finding a blender. With my newly acquired wisdom – acquired because there’s now a little room to think about things other than spreadsheets, industry trends and interest rates – I decided that I should seek to become more healthy and stop avoiding entire food groups by blending them all together into a delicious smoothie. We’ve all seen the commercials and the demonstrations…I was finally converted.

For three mornings in a row I had the following: kale, spinach, swiss chard, strawberry, banana, pomegranate seeds, cherries, blackberries, blueberries, mango and pineapple all whipped up with greek yoghurt. To my surprise, an absolute delight. And yet on the first day, a massive headache. Was it because I was sipping on this smoothie for most of the day? I couldn’t get over this migraine! It came and went for the first three days! After some googling I found that I had put myself into a state of DETOX. My smoothie was cleansing my system! And all the toxins were bubbling up to the surface!

I blame these toxins…I believe I may have been in a drunken haze for in that migraine-induced, dizzyingly hyper-energetic state I decided that staying true to change was of the utmost importance and the key to life. And in that inebriation, I decided to take yet another risk: after all they’re addictive, get my adrenaline going and make me feel A-L-I-V-E!!

While booking an exciting upcoming vacation, after much research into where to go and where to stay and what to see and what to do I decided to roll the dice! There was Mr. Niceguy, the absolute voice of reason that with a smile on his face said, “You? You’re really going to do that? You’re going to take that chance with the hotel? OK. I know what I would do…but go for it!”

Was that a dare? Did he not think I could go through with it? And of all the words he said, why did I cling onto “but go for it!” Did I miss the, but?

As the smoothie haze began to wear off, my old habits bubbled to the surface: what if I’ve made a HUGE mistake? What if this place is horrible and I’ve ruined our family vacation? And why won’t this headache let up??? Ugh! To win big you actually have to get in the game and play. But the frustration and the tears and the upset that ensued over the outcome…well surely I must have been a fool! Surely I should’ve known better!

The duality was driving me crazy! On the one hand, a wild-eyed thrill-seeker, and on the other, a tip-toeing super-planner afraid of regret. It was time to end it. For my remedy, and to restore balance in my universe, I popped open a Diet Coke (the nectar of life and I won’t hear otherwise) to accompany some ketchup-covered onion rings and you know what? After a little recalibration…I think I’m quite pleased with the outcome. While these final miles on the train are making me giddy, I can handle this next leg of my adventure…

There are times when the duality of my life cannot be ignored and comes into stark relief: on the one hand, I’m my own person, career woman, trying to achieve my own aspirations while on the other hand, full time mother and wife. Isn’t it always present? Yes. But how about when you are given less than 24 hours that you will be spending the next 4 days in the Canadian Prairies? Oh, and it’s going to be MINUS 27 degrees…WITHOUT the wind chill?!

Monday morning – up after hitting the snooze button at least 5 times (which by my alarm goes off every 8 minutes, so a 40 minute delayed start). No one else is up because they wait for me…although had Mr. Niceguy been around, things would have been moving faster (most mornings he heads down the stairs and plants himself in his “command centre,” aka TV room, to catch all the pressing financial news from overseas that would impact his day). But not today – Mr. Niceguy was away for the weekend and would not return until that night.

Jump out of bed, brush teeth, wash face, shout out to 7 year old and 3 year old to start getting dressed (doesn’t do much good but I’m hopeful they actually will be ready for a change!) hair isn’t sooo greasy so skip the wash, get dressed and down in 20 minutes flat. Finish getting boys ready (see?) by throwing clothes on hoping arms and legs go in the right spots, grab packed lunches from the night before, brekkies in the car, and we’re off!

After dropping them off and then getting downtown and parking the car, I slow down and take a breath. Latte in hand, I walked through the shopping concourse under my building, admiring the Christmas Décor and I thought to myself: today is the day I slack. Today is the day I walk around and take a little time for myself – I’ve had my little monsters to myself for FOUR DAYS and now it’s “ME-TIME”. Perhaps I’ll do a little shopping over lunch…maybe get a mani/pedi, or get a head start on my Christmas shopping.

The lead-up to the holidays is my absolute favourite time of year: people are generally nicer, everything smells of warm cookies and cinnamon, and the white backdrop to absolutely everything makes it all magic not to mention Christmas carols playing in all the shop stores… And as for work, the thought that most of my assignments and responsibilities have been completed or at a slow point was very, very warming to me – like a hot cup of cocoa full of marshmallows and skads of whipped cream…yummmmmmm…..

Only that was not to be the case. I got SOLD, so-to-speak, into a new assignment that would take me to the farthest , most desolate reaches of the land…Praire Country. And the panic which gripped me was palpable – I could feel the cold, hard, long, bony, clawed fingers wrap themselves around me and pull me into the abyss that was work…

Whatwould happen to my children? When would I see Mr. Niceguy again? Who would make dinner, fold laundry and band-aid boo-boo’s? I think the 3 year old is coming down with a cold and the 7 year old is feeling neglected…who will be their mommy while I’m gone??!!

Well, 24 hours later, after the briefest of hand-offs to Mr. Niceguy, I was on a plane, prairie bound…

And despite the freezing cold, the people I met were wonderful – they warmed things up right away and even promised to get me a “watermelon helmet” (something Roughrider fans are known for)! And it actually felt kind of nice to stop playing the duality game for a few days. True, I was on the clock and spent virtually every waking moment working, but I could grab a coffee when I wanted, sleep uninterrupted, not attend the washroom unless it was for my own biological needs, no tantrums, no cooking, no cleaning…these were definitely some of the perks!

I thought being off the dual track was exactly what I wanted…and what I needed…until I made it to Regina, aka Rider Nation (for all those who don’t know – Regina was hosting the Grey Cup and the Saskatoon Roughriders faced off against the Hamilton Tiger Cats yesterday and as predicted, won). Seeing all the families dressed in Roughrider Green all of a sudden opened the floodgates I had worked so hard to keep closed. All of a sudden I couldn’t think of anything else other than getting home and wiping noses, answering to the hundreds of “Mommy” demands, and just be in the middle of my own little universe…my world…my family.

There are times when the struggle to preserve one’s identity becomes overwhelming – especially when one becomes a parent – and I find this to be true regardless of whether you are male or female. I certainly found the transition to parenthood much more difficult than when I became married and was now considered someone’s wife. But what is absolutely amazing is how much capacity we have for growth. Despite the initial shock, disdain and fear that surrounded my realization that I would be shipped away from my family and will potentially have to continue to travel and be away for a little while, the people I met and the excitement that arose from doing something so completely different gave me an amazing opportunity to learn and grow. That, and Roughrider Nation, it was a pleasure to meet you and congratulations on an amazing Grey Cup victory which I watched, curled up on my OWN couch, family in tow! Thanks for the perspective…