Monday, April 14, 2008

The floodgates have opened.

So, I was doing pretty well managing my emotions.

I kept telling people that I had processed a lot of my grieving over Tejan's departure back in January - when we were so close to saying goodbye... and so that must be why I wasn't feeling overly emotional about it this time around. I hadn't shed any tears. Hadn't choked up in that strange, overwhelming way where I feel like my whole head is filling up with fluid and my throat is so constricted I'm just sure I'm going to die. Nope. I was doing just fine.

And then I went out to dinner with some girlfriends. And while I was a little socially inept because I'm a kind of overwhelmed and not really wanting to talk too much lately (perhaps in subconscious fear that I might touch on a nerve that would cause my aforementioned steely resolve to crumble) I thought I got through the evening fairly well. I didn't tear up - or need tissue for any fluids defiantly leaking from my facial orifices... until I made the announcement that it was time for me to get home and one of them asked how they could pray for me this week."I don't know..." I answered, trying to think fast and come up with some sort of easy answer I could mumble and be on my way. I knew I was in dangerous territory.

And then it got me. And I cried. And they prayed. And I had a drip of snot hanging off my nose and I couldn't get to my tissue in my purse because they were all holding onto me and my arms were crossed beneath all their sweet hands that were laid gently on me. So I sniffled. And they prayed.

And I knew the truth.

I still have so much to process.

So much emotion to work through.

I'm not even close to having grieved his departure.

Of course, once opened, floodgates are hard to close.

At church. I was just fine. It was sunny. And so warm and lovely.

We went in, greeted friends. Got the kids settled. Found a place to sit.

And then there it was. Some phrase in one of the songs about the whole earth praising God...

And that simple phrase - which now has a completely different meaning to me - the thought of Tejan across the globe - worshipping the same God... well, that started it all over again.

It was a six tissue morning.

It didn't help that a simple announcement I asked Asia to make about an open house in Tejan's honor became a whole 'let's bring Tejan up this morning to pray for him before he leaves' event. And I had to go up in front of the whole church and try not to let things drip off my nose as they prayed.

And so I'm a bit of a mess... a big, blubbery, trainwreck of feelings.

And honestly? It's a relief.

Being matter-of-fact and succinct has it's advantages, for sure.

But I can't really do it anymore.

So I'll be crying this week.

Crying as I pack up his things. And as I strive to savor the sound of his voice. Crying as I take pictures. And watch him say goodbye over and over again.

It's okay.

I'm held up by Mighty Arms.

I'll make it through.

I've got lots of tissue in my purse.And I believe in a God who mends broken hearts...

I am so glad that you are allowing yourself to do this...it will be good. My prayers are with you this week (and my tears too) - aren't you glad that the earth has become so incredibly large for you? And that God is able to know it all - He is so great...so very great. AND He is loving your very broken heart. He has torn you - but He WILL heal you.

Beautiful blog, Cath.It shows your love for Tejan and how special he is and always will be. His little life has touched many of us around here and we grieve with you.Praying for you and all the family and especially for Tejan as he heads home.Love you