New Girl Recap: Tis The Season To Love Schmidt

Last night was the winter finale of New Girl and despite the inherent LAMENESS of the actual events that transpired in the ep, we still kind of enjoyed it. Was it because we were surprised to see Jess successfully play the game for the first 75% of episode? Maybe it's because Olivia Munn just makes life that much better. Possibly, but it's probably because Schmidt delivered some gemly holiday themed one liners that were casually on par with, well, our writing. Toot toot. That was me, tooting my own fucking horn.

Jess, Nick, Winston, Schmidt, and Cece went on a holiday-party-crawl, in other words they stopped by three really weird parties, actually four if you include the hospital. Unsurprisingly the reason they went to the hospital was not for something cool like a stomach pump, but instead for a nauseating declaration of love. So first they went to a "Christmas Cookie-tacular" hosted by two lesbians, then they hit the "Wir Haben Viel Christmas Fun!" hosted by Gerhardt Schoubi (I haven't the slightest...) and then they went to Winston's radio work party. The only memorable moments were Schmidt using Nick to show stripper Olivia Munn how to lap dance, Jess walking into glass windows hoping one of them would be a door, and of course Nick falling into the reindeer display as Munn curtsied for their public-semi-coital performance. This must be what party crawling looks like for people who don’t drink in college. In other words, boring as fuck.

Jess:

Jess’s former flame Sam shows up at the lesbo Christmas cookie convention and Jess totally overreacts in her usual annoying fashion, making everyone leave for the trendier Jewish-German party instead. Sam, in unrealistic-guy form, follows Jess to the Jew Jamboree and goes all Cher Lloyd on Jess’s ass, claiming he wants her back, want-wants her back. New Girl then pulls some Shakespeare shit with Jess pretending to be with Winstonian, who can’t hear for shit because he has a cranberry stuck in his ear. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.

The most annoying part of this all was that Sam would NEVER come back for Jess despite how Nick every so cutely told her she's the type of girl a guy would come back for. This is why TV is really bad for nicegirls who believe anything they watch. No he will NOT realize what he's missing because the only thing he's missing is a vagina in which to put his dick and he can easilly find that at the next holiday party and/or street corner. However, Jess did play the game by saying no to Sam but failed when she came caroling back to him at his office (the hospital) which made us vom but then we remembered how much we love the movie Elf so it's like whatever.

+5 points for the part that made me LOL: Sam asks Winston "How did you get her?" and then they cut to Jess and she's emphatically wafting heat from a fire-lamp.

But -20 for actively choosing to be designated driver.

Nick:

Two words: Olivia Munn. Aside from the fact that this duo has as much of a chance as Miley & Liam, we kept asking ourselves, "exactly how long are Nick’s boxers?” He was a ¼ inch away from rocking euro-trash capris. Then he tries to get all high and mighty about Olivia being a stripper. It must have been his all-black Buddhist monk garb that was making him so pious. If his button down were any longer he may have been confused for Gandhi in PJs.

Winston:

We’re happy he threw a drink all over Jess’s fugly smurf coat. "To the black north pole!"

Schmidt:

Killing it, per usual.

On the party's DJ:"This is a really respected DJ. He was also an actor on Boy Meets World."

Cece: Happy HanukkahSchmidt: Happy Moonfestival Cece

Schmidt on Christmas:“I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or as I like to call it, White Anglo-Saxon Winter privilege night.”

On Sam:"He's a player. Think about it Jess, why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?"

Cece on Schmidt: "It was a bracelet. Tungston carbide because you said it was the most baller metal."

On his friends who saw black Santa Morgan Freeman and suddenly felt like they "believed":"... I am so sick of hanging out with Christians this is my last Christian Christmas."

Schmidt on the Lesbo Christmas Cookie Convention:“Okay I just wanna spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf costume. Is that too much to ask for? Instead I’m stuck here at this lesbian cookie party. It’s all wreaths, no trees.”

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