Friday, May 2, 2014

CRYE HAVOC - The Writer's Voice, Entry #37

Many, many thanks to Brenda Drake, Mónica Bustamante Wagner, Kimberly P. Chase, and Elizabeth Briggs for hosting “The Writer’s Voice,” a multi-blog, multi-agent contest based on NBC’s singing reality show!Still, a little annoyed, because I thought it was an ACTUAL SINGING CONTEST for aspiring troubadours (who happen to write).*carefully re-hangs lamé pantsuit*Anywho, below is my entry for The Writer's Voice 2014. I hope you enjoy!

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Title: Crye Havoc

Genre: Sci-Fi YA

Word Count: 99,000 words

Query:

Sixteen-year-old cadet Sig Thomas doesn't hate all girls, just the ones in space. So he's not surprised when stupid Casi refuses his direct order during a simulated space battle, causing Sig to fail his sim-test, and decimating his lifelong dream of commanding a starship.

Relegated to some nowhere duty post after his career meltdown, Sig isn't around when the Videre attack. Ferocious aliens with the ability to generate terrifying hallucinations in humans, they abduct Sig’s crew and present him with a second chance at the command track. All he has to do is board the alien ship and rescue his crew. Easy, right? But the closer he gets to the Videre's mind-bending “carrier waves,” the more Sig's unresolved anger toward Casi gives rise to disturbing visions he can't control. Or escape.

But Casi can. Trained in the art of erecting mental barricades, she’ll guide Sig to a dream construct where they can join forces to build a panic room the Videre can't penetrate. But only if he trusts her.

To stop the Videre, reclaim his life, and save the girl he’s falling for, Sig must do the one thing that could leave him prisoner to his growing madness: open his mind, and his heart, to a girl with the power to crush both.

CRYE HAVOC mixes the kinetic dreamscapes of INCEPTION with the otherworldly romance of ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. It's about one teen's discovery that space is big enough for two. It will appeal to fans of WHITE SPACE and FEED.

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First 250 Words:

Apart from the figure-improving properties of zero-g, there's really no reason for girls in space. They're always trying to prove something, just like my mother. She died on a blood-stained patch of dirt in the far reaches of some nowhere solar system trying to prove women make good leaders. Instead, she just confirmed what I've known all along: space is for guys like me.

Still, girls have some benefits. Take, for instance, the cadet I'm kissing right now, our lips locked together like a shuttle at spacedock. She's seventeen, a year older than me. She's got a funny name I can never remember. I've been working this angle for about three weeks, and just like I planned, I'm rounding first base the morning of my sim test. I asked her to come to my quarters for a quick make-out session. It'll calm my nerves, I lied.

And, bingo, here we are.

I really wish I could remember her name, though. Maya? Mira? Mi-mi-mi-mi--

"Mithri?" I say softly. She puts a finger to my lips.

"Not gonna happen, Sig."

"Come on, please?” I say in a practiced whine. “You know how important today is. It would. . .relax me."

"Great. So you'd be more relaxed. And I'd lose my post." She puts her lips to my ear, her voice a husky whisper, "But maybe after your test, you can come over and we'll, uh, debrief."

I lean in and kiss her, not to reward her terrible pun, but to maintain the illusion I care.

Ha! I love that you turn the query on its head and show Casi is really the one with the power. Sig seems to be that rare mc who is instantly unlikable, but also interesting and funny. I think it's great you didn't shy away from making him a dick... It'll make the character arc that much sweeter. ;) Great dialogue too! Good luck in the contest!

Thanks so much, Leila. That was exactly the goal. The worst he was at the beginning, the more dramatic his arc would be (as long as it was believable). We'll see others see it the way you do. Thanks for commenting! And GOOD LUCK TO YOU AS WELL!!

Thanks for the kind words! I wouldn't call him a cad, since that word seems to carry some implied charm, and that would forgive Sig a little too easily for being such an ass at the beginning. But don't worry, Casi puts him in his place RIGHT quick. Thanks for reading!

Just had a chance to start looking at some entries--I have to say I am a total Kirk fan and recognized him right away in Sig. Very interesting how Sig even disses his mom--he does have a long way to go, but I get the feeling he'll make a big turn around. Also love the carrier waves. I am hooked! Love this entry! Good luck!!

Hey, Copil! There's a lot like here. =D Well done! Also, wow! So many comments! I had to scroll waaaaaay down to comment, haha! You're so popular! ;)

I do have a couple of... I don't want to say concerns, but more like... nitpicks? Anyway. Before I make my decision, I'd like to read a little more, please? Could you send the first 5 pages my way? Paste them on the body of the email and send them to: moni.bwATgmailDOTcom.

Um... please publish this so I can read it! You have an awesome voice in these first few paragraphs, and the premise is making me want to find out what happens. Your pitch is excellent as well; I loved both Inception and Eternal Sunshine. GOOD LUCK TODAY!

I just wanted to say that you've been a totally awesome person during this contest! All the supportive blog and twitter comments to other writers were just so nice. Thank you. This is exactly what contests are about.

Feedback (if you want it): You were on my Yes/Maybe list. The scifi competition in this contest was incredibly fierce and I think one of the issues that held me back was Sig's voice in the query. When I read the first paragraph it came off as more upper MG (13ish). To me anyway. (Example: "Stupid Casi.") The first 250 felt a bit older, but still not quite 16yo boy. Of course, this is only my opinion but maybe it will help you in some way.