I'm with Gidgit, I do like the use of Rainbow. Maybe it's a little convenient and sudden, but I do like that Rainbow gets some closure, as opposed to the utter lack of any in the original. Given how the original left her fate completely up to the imagination, Rainbow is pretty much the only one of the Mane 6 that you can do drastically new things with without conflicting with the original. Feel free to go wild.

The only question I have is why she didn't use the SPP to just make the Enclave go fwoosh, since the shield would have let her through.

Last edited by Scienza on Wed Oct 16, 2013 12:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

I'm ambivalent about the RD/MDW plotline. I think I mentioned (and you definitely said as much) that it did seem like there wasn't enough time for all this stuff to go down, and that if it was going to go down I'd have liked to see more lead-up. That said, it wasn't too badly handled, considering; I'm just not sure it was the right decision to introduce her here, like this. Going back and changing things is your call, of course; I'd counsel either letting the arc drop right quick or going back and doing some shearing and trimming, personally, but that's just me. In terms of knowing what happened to RD, I don't really feel I need to know, but nor do I care overmuch about knowing (as no doubt some do - certain things about the original are held sacred in many circles). /shrug I was fine with it unresolved, and am fine with it being resolved here.

I honestly would have felt a little better about the MDW thing if she had helped our group at one or two points in the past. It seems like she was introduced and dealt with a bit too quickly. On the other hand it does make some sense that MDW would focus on the Enclave more since she, like BJ, wants the Enclave to do better. That was the reason RD defected from the Enclave in the first place right, before the bombs fell?

Besides that it also feels like with the abilities and tech RD has she should have been able to do something more substantial in Thunderhead. She essentially has the keys to go anywhere and she can go invisible.

Scienza wrote:The only question I have is why she didn't use the SPP to just make the Enclave go fwoosh, since the shield would have let her through.

The problem with that idea is what happens after the fwoosh. Sure, Dash could have smashed the Enclave, opened the sky, etc… And then what? Rule over the pegasi as an undead goddess-queen? Construct a new government? Rainbow Dash? Over most of the GPE's history, it did actually keep the pegasi safe, and the stories about the surface were in large part true. While the government has its faults, I can very much see Dash not thinking herself up to replacing it, instead just trying to do good here and there. Of course, things grew worse over time, and then one day her bright adopted grandson came to her with a plan that seemed like it just might work…Oh, and let's not forget this:

“No, she’s a stable pony unicorn who in two hundred years will use the Single Pegasus Project to defeat the Enclave,” Pinkie Pie blurted

If Dash remembered that, which doesn't seem too unlikely… Well, Pinkie had been right so far, and the Element of Loyalty made a promise to a friend anyway.

Downloaded Skill wrote:Besides that it also feels like with the abilities and tech RD has she should have been able to do something more substantial in Thunderhead. She essentially has the keys to go anywhere and she can go invisible.

In addition to that, not only would she have been particularly busy above the clouds during PH, she would probably focus on weaker Wastelanders. On the left you have an average caravan outnumbered two to one by a raider ambush; on the right you have a similar raider ambush but against a melee fighter who can't die, an alicorn with a minigun, and a cyberpony with a vorpal sword. If you were going to try and by a mysterious stranger helping out the Wasteland, which group would you lend aid to?

@HindsFor my part, I don't think Dash not appearing sooner is unrealistic, just a bit problematic from a pacing/story point of view (more so considering how much foreshadowing a lot of other things had).

O. Hinds wrote:@Somber:I'm biased, of course, but I say keep it the way it is.

Scienza wrote:The only question I have is why she didn't use the SPP to just make the Enclave go fwoosh, since the shield would have let her through.

The problem with that idea is what happens after the fwoosh. Sure, Dash could have smashed the Enclave, opened the sky, etc… And then what? Rule over the pegasi as an undead goddess-queen? Construct a new government? Rainbow Dash? Over most of the GPE's history, it did actually keep the pegasi safe, and the stories about the surface were in large part true. While the government has its faults, I can very much see Dash not thinking herself up to replacing it, instead just trying to do good here and there. Of course, things grew worse over time, and then one day her bright adopted grandson came to her with a plan that seemed like it just might work…Oh, and let's not forget this:

The problem I have with that is that Rainbow wasn't just focused on the Enclave, but Equestria as whole. The whole reason behind her rejection of the Enclave was how they abandoned Equestria. I don't think she would've just accepted that the ponies below were dying while the Enclave prospered, especially when you take this quote

He once calculated that if we’d ended the isolation policy fifty years after the bombs fell, we would have prevented almost a million deaths and hundreds of millions of bits wasted in rationing.

into account. She could have made the fwoosh at any point between then and now. She could've even just sealed herself behind the shield and used the threat of fwoosh to make the Enclave help the surface.

Though, technowolf's theory that she couldn't get through the shield due to her ghoulishness (her DNA would certainly have been ripped to shreds by the radiation) does make a lot of sense and seems very plausible.

This doesn't change my opinion on using RD, it's just something I was thinking about.

Oh, yes, if Rainbow had had that calculation then, from somepony she trusted, she'd have done it. If she was confident in her ability to run things, she'd have done it. (Both assume that she either doesn't remember or doesn't care about Pinkie's prophesy about LittlePip, of course.)However, this is Rainbow Dash, who is not a tremendously smart pony and knows it. This is, more particularly, Rainbow Dash who just saw the world end, and she'd if anything been helping it along. I highly doubt that the ministries, apocalypse, etc. were doing good things for her self-confidence where any large-scale endeavors were concerned, and it's very easy for me to see her thinking "I'd love to do something about it, but I'd probably just make things worse; all I'm really good at is personal derring-do, so that's what I'll use to help out however I can".

And, yeah, maybe being a ghoul prevents her from actually getting through the shield. I kind of prefer the psychological explanation, though.

Technically the only issue is the eventual explanations for why Gilda left RD's corpse behind, and why RD didn't use the SPP to remove the perpetual cloud cover. But I think there's a bigger issue here: Rewriting PH. Let's be honest, having MMDW show up throughout the story is an awesome idea, and we know Somber can pull it off like noone else can, but it's a big piece on the pile of little things that would improve the story in a bunch of editing. (No, I'm not talking about Snipehamster's idea of a destructive rewrite, just rejiggering [not technically the right word here, but w/e] stuff so all the pieces fit together better.) For right now, if you think that the arc for RD is too much in too short a time, it might be best to reduce RDs interactions with BJ and give her some reasons to stay out of the spotlight most of the time. Or have RD do most of that arc offscreen in PH, but put it in its own side-story. (Now I know your first reaction is that that's more writing and therefore crazy, but remember your goal is to write this most awesome story that makes lots and lots... and lots and lots of people happy. If you feel that you've got an awesome sub-story to tell with RD as MDW but not enough space to put it in, consider keeping those ideas around.) But for going back and editing older chapters, I really don't think now is the time to do so. Maybe after you finish, (and take a nice break,) you can go back and fix things up before putting a new version up on Fimfiction. The sad fact is, most people keeping up with the story right now probably won't go back to read a bunch of new stuff scattered throughout the earlier parts of the story just to make sense of stuff introduced in the new and current chapters. That's not to say a re-edit isn't worth it: There's tons of readers who are waiting for the fimfiction version or just the story to finish, and they're perfectly willing to wait a little longer. And for the people making translations and audio recordings are already crazy, so they'd be totally game. (Also, technically, because of the continual little editing stuff they're already inaccurate a bunch.)

If you really feel like you have to do something, Somber, I would say go with your original idea and turn Mare Do Well back into a mysterious character. But I believe in you, and in Hinds, and if Hinds thinks things will be okay if you keep it as it is, then I have confidence that things can work out okay.

If you really feel like you have to do something, Somber, I would say go with your original idea and turn Mare Do Well back into a mysterious character. But I believe in you, and in Hinds, and if Hinds thinks things will be okay if you keep it as it is, then I have confidence that things can work out okay.

Oh, thanks.

And yes, I still don't think that we need to change anything already published for this. We might want to throw some further information (such as why Rainbow Dash hasn't used the SPP; while I believe that her not using it conflicts with nothing we've seen so far, some people might want elaboration) into later chapters, but I don't think that we need to do even that.

What to do with Rainbow Dash is a bit of a tough question. I certainly have no problem with her remaining a part of the story, but some extra explanation over the next chapter or two wouldn't hurt. I think there is plenty to explain why she didn't use SPP, though it helps if getting into Shadowbolt Tower doesn't require passing any bypass spells. It does seem like she's been keeping things pretty low key, but planning for the end game of Lighthooves's charade helps cover that for the duration of PH, at least.If you do end up going back and fitting her in past chapters, might I suggest dealing with the zombies attacking the family on the way from the Collegiate to the Skyport in chapter twenty seven? It could fit in such that Blackjack has her realization that she doesn't really care if they live or die, keep that feeling, and then MDW comes in to save the day and jets off. She then can go and trade with the family and have her change (back) of heart, now with something instigating it.I'd say the most important thing, though, is to bear Snipehamster's advice in mind, but with an important twist: you want to maintain a pace commensurate with that of the rest of the story, perhaps sped somewhat because you are building up to the climax. Cutting out all but the bare-bones progression of the main plot (some exaggeration of his stance) would therefore be a mistake, in my opinion, as that would be immensely out of keeping with how everything else has been written to date.

[Edit 1]As for 4chan, I have mixed feelings. Epistemic closure is not a good thing, so I wouldn't say you shouldn't go there at all, and I know how much you care about thoughtful criticism. Rather, it's important to remember that you shouldn't spend too much time worrying about pleasing a group that consistently objects to most of your major choices: if you aren't carefully selective about what to take to heart, you'd essentially give up every major plot and character point you've written over the last two years.[Edit 2]And yes, I'm aware of the irony of Edit 1 following the suggestion in my original post.

I would like it if Mare Do Well were to of had multiple other appearances throughout the story, given she's apparently a well-known myth.In fact, as a further tie-in to the Fallout universe, I'd like it if BJ had occasionally come across survivalist caches like you find in honest hearts. A couple diary entries about a mare living through the apocalypse and doing her best to survive and help who she can. It'd be interesting if she even came across others we know that were roaming around then, like Psalm. Nested foreshadowing, you know? :P

The original FoE tied in Equestria with Fallout at every available opportunity. PH, I think, has often been looser with that, but I think combining the mysterious stranger with the survivalist would be cool.

One way or another, I think there NEED to be references to her.

As for keeping her Rainbow Dash... I dunno. I have my own headcanon regarding her that I like a lot, which makes it near impossible for me to like any others.That's just me, though.

I'm with Swicked on this one. Given Somber's propensity to foreshadow things well in advance the lack of foreshadowing on Mare do well / RD is kind of jarring. I'm not asking for a rewrite, but I just wanted to voice my thoughts.

More explanation would be nice as well, I think it would give Somber an opportunity to explore RD's character and how it changed after the war.

Regarding 4chan can we please not bring that here? I know they sometimes have valid opinions, but they are masters of hyperbole and spend as much time being petty assholes as they do criticizing something.

swicked wrote:I would like it if Mare Do Well were to of had multiple other appearances throughout the story, given she's apparently a well-known myth.In fact, as a further tie-in to the Fallout universe, I'd like it if BJ had occasionally come across survivalist caches like you find in honest hearts. A couple diary entries about a mare living through the apocalypse and doing her best to survive and help who she can. It'd be interesting if she even came across others we know that were roaming around then, like Psalm. Nested foreshadowing, you know? :P

The original FoE tied in Equestria with Fallout at every available opportunity. PH, I think, has often been looser with that, but I think combining the mysterious stranger with the survivalist would be cool.

One way or another, I think there NEED to be references to her.

While I agree that an increased integration of MDW might be nice, I'm not sure if I agree with you that greater ties to Fallout is necessarily preferable. While it's an integral part of the canon (after all, it's half the title), I feel that Project Horizons has been able to do more than most side stories because of it's disconnect from Fallout. In my opinion, the constant ties to Fallout were some of the weaker parts of the original for a variety of reasons, ranging from that I don't feel that Fallout's writing translates that well into a novel format, to that it often held Kkat back creatively (it's certainly one of the major reasons that she's often accused by outsiders of ripping off Fallout's storylines). It's not bad, since the Fallout-ification is one of the major draws of FoE and what gives the universe such a unique tone, just that constant reference isn't necessarily good. It's why I don't feel that Heroes has blossomed nearly as much as I would like, since it's pretty much a (very nice) cast of characters shoved into a pony version of New Vegas.

This is an aside though. I do really like the idea of combining the survivalist caches with MDW. The two would really work well together.

And once again, Somber, you don't need to rewrite everything. One or two references inserted into one of the earlier chapters to make Mare Do Well's appearance slightly less out-of-the-blue and you should be fine.

swicked wrote:I would like it if Mare Do Well were to of had multiple other appearances throughout the story, given she's apparently a well-known myth.In fact, as a further tie-in to the Fallout universe, I'd like it if BJ had occasionally come across survivalist caches like you find in honest hearts. A couple diary entries about a mare living through the apocalypse and doing her best to survive and help who she can. It'd be interesting if she even came across others we know that were roaming around then, like Psalm. Nested foreshadowing, you know? :P

The original FoE tied in Equestria with Fallout at every available opportunity. PH, I think, has often been looser with that, but I think combining the mysterious stranger with the survivalist would be cool.

One way or another, I think there NEED to be references to her.

While I agree that an increased integration of MDW might be nice, I'm not sure if I agree with you that greater ties to Fallout is necessarily preferable. While it's an integral part of the canon (after all, it's half the title), I feel that Project Horizons has been able to do more than most side stories because of it's disconnect from Fallout. In my opinion, the constant ties to Fallout were some of the weaker parts of the original for a variety of reasons, ranging from that I don't feel that Fallout's writing translates that well into a novel format, to that it often held Kkat back creatively (it's certainly one of the major reasons that she's often accused by outsiders of ripping off Fallout's storylines). It's not bad, since the Fallout-ification is one of the major draws of FoE and what gives the universe such a unique tone, just that constant reference isn't necessarily good. It's why I don't feel that Heroes has blossomed nearly as much as I would like, since it's pretty much a (very nice) cast of characters shoved into a pony version of New Vegas.

This is an aside though. I do really like the idea of combining the survivalist caches with MDW. The two would really work well together.

And once again, Somber, you don't need to rewrite everything. One or two references inserted into one of the earlier chapters to make Mare Do Well's appearance slightly less out-of-the-blue and you should be fine.

Ah.See, I don't want EVERYTHING connected, and I definitely think it distracts when the more annoying and uninteresting sidequests and characters are integrated in uninteresting ways.I just think when it's pulled off well using some of the more interesting settings, plot points, characters and quests from the games... I find that very cool.The connections shouldn't be made just for their own sake, though. I'd agree with that.And I LOVED the survivalist's story.

I'd prefer more than one or two references, though. Four minimum. Lots of story out there, lots of times she could be relevant.

There have been times in which I’ve reacted with excessive violence. Moments where, due to fatigue or overskilled opponents, I engaged in no-holds-barred combat to destroy my enemies. I used to look back at those times with mixed feelings, tinges of shame. They were the times I let the Wasteland win, where the power of slaughter was used instead of harmony. I tried to find another way. A better way.

This time, I didn’t even blink.

I have no words for how cool this is. It's probably a terrible idea, but it's so awesome and, well, I can sympathize.

"Oh, I’m sorry, Blackjack. Too bad you don’t have a transmitter in your speech center like I do."

...do you have a scrambler on that transmitter? Or are you just broadcasting this conversation to an entire city full of technologically-advanced pegasi?

And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to defect to her and her alone, why, the silly little dear came with only a dozen ponies for security!

Well, that explains what she was doing here, but not why Dawn wanted to kill her...

One of your friends has betrayed you.

Assuming she's telling the truth, and that Cog is a copy of Luna, I suspect she's talking about Psalm. But I wouldn't exactly count her as a friend. Lacunae was a friend, Psalm is a desperately broken mare who Blackjack hasn't exactly met. No telling whether what's left is more like the shy teen from the orphanage, or the raider that doomed a hospital full of survivors. Probably the latter, and that's no friend of mine.

That would also explain how she could cast sleep spells on everyone -- Psalm did it.

My teeth bit down hard on a mouthful of wire and strange synthetic-tasting hair.

Uh. Didn't that have electric hair when she tried to kill Striker? Careful, BJ.

DOTH THOU NOT WISH TO SPARE THE LIVES OF THY YOUNGEST OFFSPRING FROM THE HORRORS TO COME? DOTH THOU NOT DESIRE TO SAVE ALL FROM ABJECT MISERY! THOU MUST TRY HARDER! OR PERHAPS WE SHOULD RECONSIDER OUR CHOICE OF CHAMPION?

Luna confirmed. And it sounds like Psalm is giving Dawn some competition...

Oh, god. Cyberalicorn. Twenty bucks says Blackjack's final throwdown with Cog takes place with Cog ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL of Psalm. No wonder BJ kept commenting on how much Lacunae looked like Luna...

. For the first time in our fight, the mare let out a real scream as the round penetrated her armored hide and exploded inside her, the detonation turning a chunk of her chest inside out as hoses and wires dangled, dripped, and sparked. Smoke poured out of her nostrils and mouth as she tumbled over me across the floor, landing in a heap.

Holy shit.

Then, when she pivoted from swinging one wing to the other, I buried another explosive bullet into her chest. This time she screamed fire.

Holy shit.

With a scream, Dawn crashed through the stained glass window and flailed as she fell from view.

I'm halfway shocked she didn't explode after that third shot. Did this remind anyone else of a boss battle from Zelda? Keep getting her to expose her weak point so BJ could shoot it...

"I don’t suppose saying I didn’t do it would mean anything, would it?" I asked in careful, low tones.

A round, apple-like device rolled under me. I barely caught a glimpse of blue before there was a flash of crackling magic and everything went dark.

Well, crap. I'm sure he has no ulterior motives whatsoever, and that his arrival was completely coincidental.

"Why are you telling me this? Why gloat? Why not just let me find out in sentencing?"

Good girl. She may not be big on plans, but BJ's got a good gut instinct.

Either Status’s special talent was perfect timing, or the stink in Thunderhead wasn’t just down to interloping wastelanders.

Cute. But, yeah, given that Dawn is/was an Enclave pony herself, I wouldn't be shocked to find out that she cut a deal with Stratus.

They pumped her stomach and used magic to detoxify her, but it was a lot of PTM’s. ... Why would she suggest that an old groundskeeper invite an astropony and her kid over?

Ahhhh. So all the long-range prophetic stuff came from an overdose of PTMs.

Hopefully only once...

I felt my insides lurch as I read, ‘Littlepip’, ‘Blackjack’, ‘Zebra(?) filly(?)’ in that nest of connections.

Does a zebra(?) filly(?) mean Rampage?

Besides, Goldenblood is going to get his in a month or so.

Oh really? I'm inclined to believe that, and while I grant that "get his" could refer to some Fate Worse Than Death, like being trapped like Celestia, it sure sounds like he doesn't have any further role to play.

"Put it in the vent behind cell twenty-one in Thunderhead.""Um… do I want to ask why?" Rainbow Dash said warily.Pinkie pie’s candy cane mane was curling a little before Dash’s eyes as she smiled, "So I can tell Blackjack to remember what Lighthooves did to Glory."

I'm not even shocked anymore. Okay, um... he burned off her mark, of course... Is she suggesting branding Stratus to ruin all his plans without making him a martyr? I think I remember that from Dishonored... Or was there something else Lighthooves did to Glory?

Huh... still sticking with my Psalm theory, but that suggests she might be salvageable.

And sometimes, if two babies are determined to fight, sometimes you have to take away what they’re fighting over.

Well, that pretty clearly means "Destroy Shadowbolt Tower".

Oh. And congratulations.

...she's pregnant?

"After all, you’re my true, true friend."

A friend will be there to help you see...

I walked slowly along the blood trail to where the guards lay in crushed heaps, something I would have done if my magic bullets didn’t kill them outright. No alarms, which was even more ominous. The first guard was armed only with a baton; it brought back memories as I took it. I followed the bloody hoofprints to a door wedged open by two more security ponies’ bodies. These were shot in the head by high-caliber bullets.

Oh my fucking god. It's Stronghoof and Psalm!

Nah, I kid. Probably Lighthooves, given the beating he gave BJ before. Could be Dawn, but I doubt it, after the damage BJ did to her. Anyway, she's more slashy than smashy, and she definitely doesn't use projectile weapons.

It's not that I object to references -- I chuckled a bit at "timey-wimey" -- but... well, one line is a reference. Copying an entire conversation word-for-word is kinda something else.

"Come on," I said as I rose to my hooves, looking up the spiral stair. "Lets see where this trail of blood ends."

Uh... President Shinra's office, I think.

Bent over the desk, his hooves splayed wide, was a dark stallion. His face had frozen in an expression of shock, as if he couldn’t believe it had come to this. Buried in his back was a very familiar sword: mine.

Okay, I really wasn't expecting my joke to be a correct guess. But I suppose the use of the phrase "trail of blood" was not accidental, then. Lighthooves confirmed, by the way.

When you get here, there shouldn’t be any excuse for securing the Tower. I look forward to your reply and hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead. I believe I’ve demonstrated my loyalty. End burst transmission. Send. Save.

I am shocked by this development.

We hadn’t left the Wasteland after all. The scheming, the manipulation, the avarice, and ruthless ambition that plagued Hoofington below were up here as well. It might not have been ponies killing each other in the streets, but there was still the Hoofington madness above as there was below.

I think that's called "life", BJ.

"My suit’s in repair and diagnostic mode!" wailed a stallion.

WOOOO! Go go gadget Scotch Tape!

Instead, my horn glowed, and a door instantly poofed into existence right in front of her. Then it slammed shut in her face with a resounding bang. I opened it again, saw her swaying with a mildly concussed expression, her gun held limply in her mouth, telekinetically pulled her head forward, and slammed the door closed a second time.

Pffffhahahaha! Awesome.

Scotch Tape walked in, staring at the immobile ponies with clear wariness as the occupants within the motionless armor grunted. "Wow. How’d you do that, Blackjack?"

No? Uh. Glory's gotta be out of the picture by now... huh.

The air flashed, and the purple-caped Mare Do Well appeared. "That usually doesn’t happen," the mare said in her synthesized voice.

Ah. Right. I forgot about her.

"That include the hat and cape?" Rampage asked."Yes, actually. Twilight’s version of a joke, I suppose."

Well, crap. There go all my theories about who would know about the original MDW.

Not all that funny to me, but then, she wasn’t exactly consulting Pinkie Pie when she designed it.

Well, isn't that fuel for the fire.

A series of rubber masks in a variety of colors sat like a row of dismembered heads before the apparel.

Oh. Oh crap. Is one of those masks "Chicken", from way back in the FSMC?

A large bed, a kitchenette, a medical cart, and gym equipment rested next to several pictures....A young unicorn mare beside the bay popped her head up.

I note the presence of only one bed, which suggests that Monkeywrench is the only one here who sleeps.

Then Lighthooves’s voice came over the connection, faintly buzzing and tinny. "Yes, Grandmother?"

what.

Beneath, I gaped at the mottled grayish-blue hide and the thinning polychromatic mane. Cloudy rose eyes met mine. The right side of her face was marred by three gouges running from her brow down past her eye and alongside her muzzle to her throat. "Duh," Rainbow Dash said. "It’s my ministry, after all."

So, what? Ghoul? Well-preserved, if she is.

"Well, when you’re a ghoul, you have to do something to keep your marbles together."

Okay then... bit of a snag, though. Gilda was supposed to bring her back so they could use her to breach the SPP shield. Guess the crater was too hot to retrieve the body. Whoops.

Lightning Dust had risen to the top of the martial government that would turn into the Grand Pegasus Enclave, so there was absolutely no way I could show my face there.

But... S3 is way past the canon divergence point...

Purple mane cascaded out from beneath the orange hood. Immense lavender eyes opened and looked out at the crowd. A lovely face that I hadn’t seen in so long bathed in the sunlight and brought a smile to my face, despite everything.

Oh.Wow.That, uh.Joke's on you, Afterburner. Was that hilarious, or about to get Glory shot? And, um, how many wings does she have now?

In other news, I am still unemployed. The part of the federal government that does background checks is apparently ‘non-essential’ so until Washington pulls its head out of its ass, I am broke. Any help right now would be supremely appreciated.

Geez, that is... absolutely ridiculous. Good luck, and Be Unwavering!

So. Mysteries still in play:Why did Dawn kill Stargazer? What's in it for her?Why hasn't Rainbow Dash taken over the SPP and forced the Enclave to integrate with the ground already?

Editing:

DOTH THOU NOT WISH TO SPARE THE LIVES OF THY YOUNGEST OFFSPRING FROM THE HORRORS TO COME? DOTH THOU NOT DESIRE TO SAVE ALL FROM ABJECT MISERY! THOU MUST TRY HARDER! OR PERHAPS WE SHOULD RECONSIDER OUR CHOICE OF CHAMPION?

Those "Doth"s should be "Dost"s. I do, he doth, thou dost. Expect a lot of this from me -- it's not the first time I've edited Luna's archaic English. Also, question mark after "misery".

Clearly she had starmetal in more than just her wings.

Comma after "clearly".

STILL THY TONGUE AND PROVE THYSELF IF THEE WISH PROTECTION FOR THY PROGENY.

If thou wish.

THOU HAVE PASSED OUR CHALLENGES AND THWARTED OUR MINIONS.

This should technically be "Thou hast", though it's not crucial since you haven't been using the "-est" endings for any other verbs. Which is kind of driving me crazy in and of itself, but it's not like they even got it right in the show...

Dozens of magical beam weapons hummed as they pointed at me, the ones without mouths free shouting at me to drop my weapons and surrender.

the ones with mouths free...

"Pumpkincake. Poundcake. How are my favorite set of twins?"

Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake are both two words.

She’s been working all night, sending out messages, but none of these ponies are with anypony important.

I think that "ponies" is supposed to be "messages" or something... or "with" shouldn't be there.

The door to the room cracked open, and a wide eye with a tiny pupil and thin blue ring stared out the gap, "Don’t be silly, Dashie. Come in! Quickly!"

Period after "gap".

Pinkie pie’s candy cane mane was curling a little before Dash’s eyes as she smiled, "So I can tell Blackjack to remember what Lighthooves did to Glory."

Capitalize Pie, period after "smiled".

Precogazine!

Is it okay if I say I think this would sound better with an N in it? Precognazine. Rolls off the tongue better.

There was a… a weapon’s malfunction! Yes, slight weapon’s malfunction.

No apostrophe in "weapons" either time.

My eyes met P-21’s, and immediately I flushed.

Either put a comma after "immediately" or swap it around to "I immediately flushed". Preferably the latter.

"Come on, I said as I rose to my hooves, looking up the spiral stair. "Lets see where this trail of blood ends."

Forgot to close the quote after "come on".

It’s all fun at first, but then some ragtag bunch of misfits rises up and overthrow you.

overthrows

Shadowbolt Tower stood predominantly in the middle, while Thunderhead was off to the east like an immense tire.

stood prominently

A few judicious applications of the virus and what remains of the military will be busy dealing with outbreaks.

virus, and

Previous Chapter Editing:

From back in Chapter 52:

I watched as a her tail seemed to weave itself into a whiplike appendage that crackled with green lightning.

"I watched as her".

Oh, and one more thing...

Spoiler:

We’re going with the ‘Save Glory and then get the Neighvarro the hell out of here before they get killed and Storm Chaser comes in to save her soldiers’ plan!"

I felt my insides lurch as I read, ‘Littlepip’, ‘Blackjack’, ‘Zebra(?) filly(?)’ in that nest of connections.

Does a zebra(?) filly(?) mean Rampage?

Given it's listed after Littlepip and Blackjack, I figured it was a wasteland heroine(s) from some other fic(s). After all, there were a fair amount of shout-outs in that scene.

I know, but I can't think of anyone that fits that description. Maybe someone else can. The question marks suggest some confusion on the points, though -- for example, Silver Stripe fits "Zebra(?)" but certainly couldn't be mistaken for a filly. Rampage seems like a good candidate as someone who looks like a zebra but isn't, and only sometimes looks like a filly.

There have been times in which I’ve reacted with excessive violence. Moments where, due to fatigue or overskilled opponents, I engaged in no-holds-barred combat to destroy my enemies. I used to look back at those times with mixed feelings, tinges of shame. They were the times I let the Wasteland win, where the power of slaughter was used instead of harmony. I tried to find another way. A better way.

This time, I didn’t even blink.

I have no words for how cool this is. It's probably a terrible idea, but it's so awesome and, well, I can sympathize.

"Oh, I’m sorry, Blackjack. Too bad you don’t have a transmitter in your speech center like I do."

...do you have a scrambler on that transmitter? Or are you just broadcasting this conversation to an entire city full of technologically-advanced pegasi?

And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to defect to her and her alone, why, the silly little dear came with only a dozen ponies for security!

Well, that explains what she was doing here, but not why Dawn wanted to kill her...

One of your friends has betrayed you.

Assuming she's telling the truth, and that Cog is a copy of Luna, I suspect she's talking about Psalm. But I wouldn't exactly count her as a friend. Lacunae was a friend, Psalm is a desperately broken mare who Blackjack hasn't exactly met. No telling whether what's left is more like the shy teen from the orphanage, or the raider that doomed a hospital full of survivors. Probably the latter, and that's no friend of mine.

That would also explain how she could cast sleep spells on everyone -- Psalm did it.

My teeth bit down hard on a mouthful of wire and strange synthetic-tasting hair.

Uh. Didn't that have electric hair when she tried to kill Striker? Careful, BJ.

DOTH THOU NOT WISH TO SPARE THE LIVES OF THY YOUNGEST OFFSPRING FROM THE HORRORS TO COME? DOTH THOU NOT DESIRE TO SAVE ALL FROM ABJECT MISERY! THOU MUST TRY HARDER! OR PERHAPS WE SHOULD RECONSIDER OUR CHOICE OF CHAMPION?

Luna confirmed. And it sounds like Psalm is giving Dawn some competition...

Oh, god. Cyberalicorn. Twenty bucks says Blackjack's final throwdown with Cog takes place with Cog ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL of Psalm. No wonder BJ kept commenting on how much Lacunae looked like Luna...

. For the first time in our fight, the mare let out a real scream as the round penetrated her armored hide and exploded inside her, the detonation turning a chunk of her chest inside out as hoses and wires dangled, dripped, and sparked. Smoke poured out of her nostrils and mouth as she tumbled over me across the floor, landing in a heap.

Holy shit.

Then, when she pivoted from swinging one wing to the other, I buried another explosive bullet into her chest. This time she screamed fire.

Holy shit.

With a scream, Dawn crashed through the stained glass window and flailed as she fell from view.

I'm halfway shocked she didn't explode after that third shot. Did this remind anyone else of a boss battle from Zelda? Keep getting her to expose her weak point so BJ could shoot it...

"I don’t suppose saying I didn’t do it would mean anything, would it?" I asked in careful, low tones.

A round, apple-like device rolled under me. I barely caught a glimpse of blue before there was a flash of crackling magic and everything went dark.

Well, crap. I'm sure he has no ulterior motives whatsoever, and that his arrival was completely coincidental.

"Why are you telling me this? Why gloat? Why not just let me find out in sentencing?"

Good girl. She may not be big on plans, but BJ's got a good gut instinct.

Either Status’s special talent was perfect timing, or the stink in Thunderhead wasn’t just down to interloping wastelanders.

Cute. But, yeah, given that Dawn is/was an Enclave pony herself, I wouldn't be shocked to find out that she cut a deal with Stratus.

They pumped her stomach and used magic to detoxify her, but it was a lot of PTM’s. ... Why would she suggest that an old groundskeeper invite an astropony and her kid over?

Ahhhh. So all the long-range prophetic stuff came from an overdose of PTMs.

Hopefully only once...

I felt my insides lurch as I read, ‘Littlepip’, ‘Blackjack’, ‘Zebra(?) filly(?)’ in that nest of connections.

Does a zebra(?) filly(?) mean Rampage?

Besides, Goldenblood is going to get his in a month or so.

Oh really? I'm inclined to believe that, and while I grant that "get his" could refer to some Fate Worse Than Death, like being trapped like Celestia, it sure sounds like he doesn't have any further role to play.

"Put it in the vent behind cell twenty-one in Thunderhead.""Um… do I want to ask why?" Rainbow Dash said warily.Pinkie pie’s candy cane mane was curling a little before Dash’s eyes as she smiled, "So I can tell Blackjack to remember what Lighthooves did to Glory."

I'm not even shocked anymore. Okay, um... he burned off her mark, of course... Is she suggesting branding Stratus to ruin all his plans without making him a martyr? I think I remember that from Dishonored... Or was there something else Lighthooves did to Glory?

Huh... still sticking with my Psalm theory, but that suggests she might be salvageable.

And sometimes, if two babies are determined to fight, sometimes you have to take away what they’re fighting over.

Well, that pretty clearly means "Destroy Shadowbolt Tower".

Oh. And congratulations.

...she's pregnant?

"After all, you’re my true, true friend."

A friend will be there to help you see...

I walked slowly along the blood trail to where the guards lay in crushed heaps, something I would have done if my magic bullets didn’t kill them outright. No alarms, which was even more ominous. The first guard was armed only with a baton; it brought back memories as I took it. I followed the bloody hoofprints to a door wedged open by two more security ponies’ bodies. These were shot in the head by high-caliber bullets.

Oh my fucking god. It's Stronghoof and Psalm!

Nah, I kid. Probably Lighthooves, given the beating he gave BJ before. Could be Dawn, but I doubt it, after the damage BJ did to her. Anyway, she's more slashy than smashy, and she definitely doesn't use projectile weapons.

It's not that I object to references -- I chuckled a bit at "timey-wimey" -- but... well, one line is a reference. Copying an entire conversation word-for-word is kinda something else.

"Come on," I said as I rose to my hooves, looking up the spiral stair. "Lets see where this trail of blood ends."

Uh... President Shinra's office, I think.

Bent over the desk, his hooves splayed wide, was a dark stallion. His face had frozen in an expression of shock, as if he couldn’t believe it had come to this. Buried in his back was a very familiar sword: mine.

Okay, I really wasn't expecting my joke to be a correct guess. But I suppose the use of the phrase "trail of blood" was not accidental, then. Lighthooves confirmed, by the way.

When you get here, there shouldn’t be any excuse for securing the Tower. I look forward to your reply and hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead. I believe I’ve demonstrated my loyalty. End burst transmission. Send. Save.

I am shocked by this development.

We hadn’t left the Wasteland after all. The scheming, the manipulation, the avarice, and ruthless ambition that plagued Hoofington below were up here as well. It might not have been ponies killing each other in the streets, but there was still the Hoofington madness above as there was below.

I think that's called "life", BJ.

"My suit’s in repair and diagnostic mode!" wailed a stallion.

WOOOO! Go go gadget Scotch Tape!

Instead, my horn glowed, and a door instantly poofed into existence right in front of her. Then it slammed shut in her face with a resounding bang. I opened it again, saw her swaying with a mildly concussed expression, her gun held limply in her mouth, telekinetically pulled her head forward, and slammed the door closed a second time.

Pffffhahahaha! Awesome.

Scotch Tape walked in, staring at the immobile ponies with clear wariness as the occupants within the motionless armor grunted. "Wow. How’d you do that, Blackjack?"

No? Uh. Glory's gotta be out of the picture by now... huh.

The air flashed, and the purple-caped Mare Do Well appeared. "That usually doesn’t happen," the mare said in her synthesized voice.

Ah. Right. I forgot about her.

"That include the hat and cape?" Rampage asked."Yes, actually. Twilight’s version of a joke, I suppose."

Well, crap. There go all my theories about who would know about the original MDW.

Not all that funny to me, but then, she wasn’t exactly consulting Pinkie Pie when she designed it.

Well, isn't that fuel for the fire.

A series of rubber masks in a variety of colors sat like a row of dismembered heads before the apparel.

Oh. Oh crap. Is one of those masks "Chicken", from way back in the FSMC?

A large bed, a kitchenette, a medical cart, and gym equipment rested next to several pictures....A young unicorn mare beside the bay popped her head up.

I note the presence of only one bed, which suggests that Monkeywrench is the only one here who sleeps.

Then Lighthooves’s voice came over the connection, faintly buzzing and tinny. "Yes, Grandmother?"

what.

Beneath, I gaped at the mottled grayish-blue hide and the thinning polychromatic mane. Cloudy rose eyes met mine. The right side of her face was marred by three gouges running from her brow down past her eye and alongside her muzzle to her throat. "Duh," Rainbow Dash said. "It’s my ministry, after all."

So, what? Ghoul? Well-preserved, if she is.

"Well, when you’re a ghoul, you have to do something to keep your marbles together."

Okay then... bit of a snag, though. Gilda was supposed to bring her back so they could use her to breach the SPP shield. Guess the crater was too hot to retrieve the body. Whoops.

Lightning Dust had risen to the top of the martial government that would turn into the Grand Pegasus Enclave, so there was absolutely no way I could show my face there.

But... S3 is way past the canon divergence point...

Purple mane cascaded out from beneath the orange hood. Immense lavender eyes opened and looked out at the crowd. A lovely face that I hadn’t seen in so long bathed in the sunlight and brought a smile to my face, despite everything.

Oh.Wow.That, uh.Joke's on you, Afterburner. Was that hilarious, or about to get Glory shot? And, um, how many wings does she have now?

In other news, I am still unemployed. The part of the federal government that does background checks is apparently ‘non-essential’ so until Washington pulls its head out of its ass, I am broke. Any help right now would be supremely appreciated.

Geez, that is... absolutely ridiculous. Good luck, and Be Unwavering!

So. Mysteries still in play:Why did Dawn kill Stargazer? What's in it for her?Why hasn't Rainbow Dash taken over the SPP and forced the Enclave to integrate with the ground already?

Editing:

DOTH THOU NOT WISH TO SPARE THE LIVES OF THY YOUNGEST OFFSPRING FROM THE HORRORS TO COME? DOTH THOU NOT DESIRE TO SAVE ALL FROM ABJECT MISERY! THOU MUST TRY HARDER! OR PERHAPS WE SHOULD RECONSIDER OUR CHOICE OF CHAMPION?

Those "Doth"s should be "Dost"s. I do, he doth, thou dost. Expect a lot of this from me -- it's not the first time I've edited Luna's archaic English. Also, question mark after "misery".

Clearly she had starmetal in more than just her wings.

Comma after "clearly".

STILL THY TONGUE AND PROVE THYSELF IF THEE WISH PROTECTION FOR THY PROGENY.

If thou wish.

THOU HAVE PASSED OUR CHALLENGES AND THWARTED OUR MINIONS.

This should technically be "Thou hast", though it's not crucial since you haven't been using the "-est" endings for any other verbs. Which is kind of driving me crazy in and of itself, but it's not like they even got it right in the show...

Dozens of magical beam weapons hummed as they pointed at me, the ones without mouths free shouting at me to drop my weapons and surrender.

the ones with mouths free...

"Pumpkincake. Poundcake. How are my favorite set of twins?"

Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake are both two words.

She’s been working all night, sending out messages, but none of these ponies are with anypony important.

I think that "ponies" is supposed to be "messages" or something... or "with" shouldn't be there.

The door to the room cracked open, and a wide eye with a tiny pupil and thin blue ring stared out the gap, "Don’t be silly, Dashie. Come in! Quickly!"

Period after "gap".

Pinkie pie’s candy cane mane was curling a little before Dash’s eyes as she smiled, "So I can tell Blackjack to remember what Lighthooves did to Glory."

Capitalize Pie, period after "smiled".

Precogazine!

Is it okay if I say I think this would sound better with an N in it? Precognazine. Rolls off the tongue better.

There was a… a weapon’s malfunction! Yes, slight weapon’s malfunction.

No apostrophe in "weapons" either time.

My eyes met P-21’s, and immediately I flushed.

Either put a comma after "immediately" or swap it around to "I immediately flushed". Preferably the latter.

"Come on, I said as I rose to my hooves, looking up the spiral stair. "Lets see where this trail of blood ends."

Forgot to close the quote after "come on".

It’s all fun at first, but then some ragtag bunch of misfits rises up and overthrow you.

overthrows

Shadowbolt Tower stood predominantly in the middle, while Thunderhead was off to the east like an immense tire.

stood prominently

A few judicious applications of the virus and what remains of the military will be busy dealing with outbreaks.

virus, and

Previous Chapter Editing:

From back in Chapter 52:

I watched as a her tail seemed to weave itself into a whiplike appendage that crackled with green lightning.

"I watched as her".

Oh, and one more thing...

Spoiler:

We’re going with the ‘Save Glory and then get the Neighvarro the hell out of here before they get killed and Storm Chaser comes in to save her soldiers’ plan!"

Ah, thank you. Some of your errors were already spotted and corrected, but others had not been. Your corrections to the EME were also quite appreciated.

SilentCarto wrote:...do you have a scrambler on that transmitter? Or are you just broadcasting this conversation to an entire city full of technologically-advanced pegasi?

A scrambler, a beamed transmission rather than a broadcast, and/or low power, I expect.

I felt my insides lurch as I read, ‘Littlepip’, ‘Blackjack’, ‘Zebra(?) filly(?)’ in that nest of connections.

Does a zebra(?) filly(?) mean Rampage?

Given it's listed after Littlepip and Blackjack, I figured it was a wasteland heroine(s) from some other fic(s). After all, there were a fair amount of shout-outs in that scene.

I know, but I can't think of anyone that fits that description. Maybe someone else can. The question marks suggest some confusion on the points, though -- for example, Silver Stripe fits "Zebra(?)" but certainly couldn't be mistaken for a filly. Rampage seems like a good candidate as someone who looks like a zebra but isn't, and only sometimes looks like a filly.

I felt my insides lurch as I read, ‘Littlepip’, ‘Blackjack’, ‘Zebra(?) filly(?)’ in that nest of connections.

Does a zebra(?) filly(?) mean Rampage?

Given it's listed after Littlepip and Blackjack, I figured it was a wasteland heroine(s) from some other fic(s). After all, there were a fair amount of shout-outs in that scene.

I know, but I can't think of anyone that fits that description. Maybe someone else can. The question marks suggest some confusion on the points, though -- for example, Silver Stripe fits "Zebra(?)" but certainly couldn't be mistaken for a filly. Rampage seems like a good candidate as someone who looks like a zebra but isn't, and only sometimes looks like a filly.

...maybe. Pinkie never left a message for Puppy, though. Puppy dealt with a pinkie bot, an AI inspired by pinkie, and one other thing that I guess would be spoiler-y, but Pinkie never left her a message like she did Littlepip and Blackjack.

I'm late to the game here but I can't believe how much I love this arc. These last two chapters have been phenomenal. MDW reveal was fantastic, we have Glory back to normal, a little star wars thingy and Pinks revealed as a clairvoyant. This is some great material here ughhhhhh. I just wish I coulda finished it earlier.

Oh, I think I've mentioned this before but I'm not too keen on "the Neighvaro" being the denomym for pegasai from Neighvaro. It should be along the lines of "Neighvarren" or to be more specific and in line with the Latin, "Neighvargonese."

Little things, but welp.

E: Now that i notice people looking for more RD foreshadowing, it wouldn't be completely out of line to switch pace for a short in medias res telling of how RD managed to survive and become MDW. It's used a lot in fiction to bring a reader up to speed on a reintroduced character and could certainly offer decent explanation rather than re-adding a bunch of references in the past. It could also tie up a lot of other things since RD being alive is a big big deal in all of FoEniverse.

Dash's cocky, boisterous character fits very well with the tone of PH, so you could pull it off. Replacing her lessens the reveal and the importance of MDW in the story. FoE purists just can't handle any sort of original development, sadly.