Mixed Feelings about the Burqa

I have to confess that I have entirely mixed feelings about the movement in France to ban the burqa. I totally agree that the burqa makes women into “prisoners” and is a primitive custom and is an affront to Western values like secularism and common sense and (especially) boobaliciousness.

At the same time, banning clothing is also an affront to Western values. Perhaps the burqa subjugates women, but the same charge could be (and has been) made against half the t-shirts in my wardrobe. Perhaps women are forced to wear burqas by their relatives, but is this so different from schools that force kids to wear uniforms, clubs that force men to wear jackets, or restaurants that force patrons to wear shirts and shoes? And if we let the government ban clothes, what will we let them ban next? Drugs? Guns? Machinima porn?

Anyway, those who are serious about banning the burqa are guilty of not appreciating its comedic value. Why, back when I worked in Hollywood, I had the idea of an entire cycle of burqa-themed short films.

One, for instance, involved a group of ninjas returning from an assassination and a group of burqa-ed women returning from the mosque, who bumped into each other on the sidewalk, after which one member of each ended up leaving with the wrong group. Hilarity ensued.

A second involved two kids who wanted to go into an adults-only establishment, so one sat on the other’s shoulders while they hid under a burqa. Hilarity ensued.

And a third was about a group of bank robbers who hid under burqas to disguise their identities, but who accidentally visited the bank at the same time as an overbearing sheikh, who mistook a robber for one of his harem and dragged him back to his palace. Hilarity ensued.

There were more, each funnier than the next. One involved a burqa and Carrot Top and Andy Dick, one a burqa and a “Soup Nazi,” and one a burqa and a child-molesting neighbor. It wouldn’t be unfair to describe them as art.

And do you really want to put yourself in the position of banning art?