attimes_bracing

Why doesn't it exist?

April 23rd, 2014

Not being a parent and having recently had a cat with 'digestive issues' I have been delighted by the existence of the automated litter tray although we have not yet got to that stage. I got to thinking about something I will never do: nappy changing.

Take one child with a dirty nappy. Imagine if you could clean it without seeing or smelling the nappy contents?

Why could there not be a plumed in piece of equipment in a bathroom about the size of a linen basket. A ring gently closes round and supports the child above the waist and lets the feet and legs hang loose. The machine releases the nappy and gently removes it. A tepid jet wash cleans the child from the waist down and directional jets spray a lotion in mist form to the appropriate areas (depending on gender). It could use a slightly anti-bacterial wash as well.

You don't see a dirty nappy as it comes out in a sealed packet which you bin or open and examine if you must do this. Being a non-parent I understand that the colour and smell of the kid's poop is acceptable water cooler discussion.

Out comes a clean child which you can then nappy. The importance of checking a child's skin health means that having the machine nappy the child may miss early signs of nappy rash.

Don't get me started! Why are we still ironing? The Chinese were ironing using bottles of hot water 2000 years ago! Dusting should be handled by air filters which step up when you are not in the room. Roombas should be as expected as a fridge and there should be a recessed hole in the skirting board to charge them in every house. Better cupboards so we need fewer of them. Better more versatile cook ware so we don't need twenty pans. Wardrobes linked to air conditioning units so you have to wash clothes less often. Smart clothes will tell you when they need washing.

Because it's really no big deal. Actively trivial as a proportion of all child care, even when they're tiny. Plus evolution breaks you in gently in that milk-fed babies' nappies are relatively non-disgusting.

It pales by comparison with getting to sleep, staying asleep, gaining weight, not chewing your nipples off, eating solid food, potty training, not throwing enormous screaming tantrums at the drop of a hat, and not running into the middle distance whenever given half a chance. I'll give you a Nobel prize if you can fix any of those. Though the relatively small number of parents with a hardcore nappy changing refusenik would disagree with my assessment.

The real poo-related problems are a) tendency to do enormous smelly ones at the precise moment when a nappy change is least convenient (just going out the door to catch train is the normal fave) and b) leakage, which is a nappy design problem.