Rainy Day Retards: Why Angelinos Can’t Drive Wet

Here in LA, our traffic goes from annoying to unbearable the minute anything wet falls from the sky. People panic, cars crash and any upcoming obligation you have just went from a few hours to a whole day because of one simple thing: Angelinos can’t drive in the rain.

Why this phenomenon occurs is a complex, regional issue—compounding the cultural complexities of this diverse ecosystem with intricate environmental factors woven into one perfect storm. However, as a dedicated automotive journalist, I have delved deep into this dilemma only to unearth the following astounding reasons behind this disturbing behavior. Here are the Top 7 Vaguely Scientifically Proven Reasons:

#7. Flip Flops are slippery when wet

People in LA aren’t big on shoes. It’s just a thing. When I first moved here, my friend Nancy said, “Are you ready to be open toed all year round?” I thought to myself, “And that’s a good thing?” As a manual enthusiast and a car snob, I’m not a fan–once my flop got caught between the clutch pedal and the brake and I crapped my pants. So I don’t do that. But for the majority of LA drivers, they think this is fine but when flexible rubber soles hit wet pedals, all hell breaks loose..

#6. Kombucha

For anyone that has consumed the fermented tea that is the LA signature drink, you know the drill. Kombucha requires two steady hands to open. It is a long, calculated process that if not done properly, will cause the vinegary beverage to explode all over your car, causing it to smell like Summer’s Eve (the douchey kind, not the happy kind) for eternity. So Kombucha drinkers are hands free drivers, rain or shine.

#5 The Prius

Need I say more?

#4 The Sun Always Returns

During a rainstorm, the weather people always advise Angelinos of two things: “allow extra time” and “grab an umbrella.” However, what they don’t remind us about are our sunglasses. Why? Well, in LA the sun always finds its way out sooner or later. And when it does, our UV-fried corneas recoil to the blinding rays as we squint like old school stoners entering a blinding Blockbuster Video store. It’s not pretty..or safe.

#3. All The Bitching

Of course, the problem is everyone ELSE who can’t drive in the rain. So, while we’re stuck in traffic, dodging the orange cones and yellow tape adorning someone else’s catastrophe, every Angelino dials up their favorite East Coaster/fellow commuter or general commiserater to whinge about other people’s shortcomings. This probably isn’t the safest practice, but it’s cheaper than therapy so whatevs.

(accident on curve at 10am)

#2. Wet Weed Doesn’t Burn

If you knew how much second hand smoke I inhale while stuck in traffic, you would throw my middle aged ass into rehab. It’s not pretty. And all of these potheads don’t stop burning when it rains, but you know what does? Weed. Potheads aren’t umbrella enthusiasts so their stash gets damp and then they’re stuck on the 405, trying to bake themselves through traffic and the green stuff just doesn’t cooperate. They’re an accident waiting to happen.

(Fyi– this is the same corner at 4pm, another winner wiped out..)

#1. Movie Times

When the sun’s not out, most LA people take the opportunity to support our local economy which is Hollywood. And movie times take planning which is something this laid back culture simply cannot embrace. Rushed sober stoners + slippery roads + flip flops + Kombucha ..hell, you do the math.

So if you find yourself in our fair city and it’s not fair weather, just relax. But you may just want to stay off the roads.

(This dedicated to my friend Sam who is an expert at bitching about LA Drivers. Thanks Sam, you’re my muse..)