Healing Together for Coupleshttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together
A blog about helping couples learn to communicate and healTue, 13 Feb 2018 04:13:20 +0000en-UShourly1HealingTogetherForCoupleshttps://feedburner.google.comReframing Valentine’s Day as a Day to Reconsider Your Relationshiphttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/02/reframing-valentines-day-as-a-day-to-reconsider-your-relationship/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/02/reframing-valentines-day-as-a-day-to-reconsider-your-relationship/#respondMon, 12 Feb 2018 06:33:53 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5433Whether or not you love Valentine’s Day or reject it as another commercially driven, marketing opportunity- the symbols, verses, cards and candy bring relationships to mind. As such, an unexpected but valuable way to reframe Valentine’s Day is as a day to reconsider your relationship.

For many people Valentine’s Day is another opportunity to affirm loving feelings and emotional connection that are present throughout the year.

For others it can invite a “ re-set” of their positive connection with recognition that they may be taking each other for granted or expecting the relationship to stay vibrant without showing the kindness, affirmation and affection they once shared.

For others for whom their marriage or long-term relationship has become more habit than happiness, more painful than positive, more destructive than supportive–Valentine’s Day may be a difficult but important touchstone for examining–Can this relationship be saved? Should this relationship be saved?

Relationship Reconsideration

Having spent many years working with many couples, I always maintain that if two people want to find a way to heal, reconnect and grow their relationship–there is a way.

A valuable step for both partners is to take a few minutes to look past the last argument or assumed dismissal to really reconsider their relationship. Listed below are questions that touch upon different relationship dimensions.

Since we really can only change ourselves, the questions invite a personal reconsideration of the relationship as a step toward mutual reconsideration.

Try answering the questions on your own. Consider jotting down some thoughts and invite your partner to do the same. Is there anything you can share that may foster a closer understanding of what is happening between you? Good or bad, it may be a start to the conversation you both need, want but have been unable to have.

Relationship Questions:

Are You Personally Happy?

Because people often report wanting to leave a relationship because they are “ unhappy,” it is worth recognizing that no partner can be responsible for your total happiness. Research suggests that at least 40% of our happiness comes from our own intentional pursuits of life choices and goals.

Are you sure that the problems you are experiencing as marriage or relationship problems are not projections of your own personal discontent, lack of life purpose, boredom, insecurity, health, friendship or financial disappointments?

Do you find that your relationship actually dampens the happiness you generate on your own?

Do you find that even when you try to bridge the happiness you have found at work, in recreation, or with friends by telling your partner about it or inviting their participation, there is little interest shown or a critique that “brings you down?”

A relationship should not deplete you of the personal happiness you generate-it should support and expand it.

How Realistic Are Your Expectations?

It is realistic to expect that there will be love, respect and a sense of mutual concern in a committed relationship.

That said – How much do you really expect of your partner and how much does your partner expect from you?

In Christine Meinecke’s perfectly titled book, Everybody Marries the Wrong Person, the author captures our tendency to start out by idealizing and expecting perfection from our partners only to find out that they ( like us) are far from perfect and actually don’t meet all our expectations.

The question is whether there is enough love to celebrate what is wonderful and accept what is not.

Is There Trust in Your Relationship?

Is your partner a confidante – Can tell him/her those things you might not tell anyone else?

Do you trust that your partner is faithful to you as an intimate partner – do you have the same values about fidelity?

Do you trust your partner to forgive you – do you trust yourself to forgive your partner?

Is Intimacy Possible in Your Relationship?

What solidifies a relationship and connects partners in a way that makes their connection special is the intimacy they share.

Is there still a wish to be affectionate, to laugh like insiders, to feel close, to be intimate even in the broadest non-sexual terms?

Is there still a mutual interest to be sexually intimate or to work together to reclaim intimacy in any ways big or small that make you feel special to each other?

Is Dependency Compromising Intimacy?

Are you or your partner so dependent that there is no separate space, no permission to be with separate friends, no room to have a different thought, opinion or interest? Is excessive dependence smothering the loving?

Is the dependence on your partner more like an addiction than a loving bond? Must you stay in this relationship regardless of whether it steals your happiness and self-esteem?

Is Your Relationship More Work than Wonderful Connection?

People often ask if their relationship should be so much work. They despair that no matter what they or their partner does, there is no feeling of harmony, mutuality, easy discourse or recovery from disagreements.

If the reality is that your relationship takes more from both of you than it gives and/or that one or the other is unwilling to change, show compassion or grow- help may be needed regarding the decision to end or mend the relationship.

On the other hand, no one just shows up for a great relationship. It takes work and if that work is mutual– don’t give up!

Seek help, grab and expand the moments, reach back for the initial spark and hold on to the belief that for the sake of love – people can change.

Sometimes Two People Have to Fall Apart to Realize How Much They Need to Fall Back Together

– Colleen Hoover

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/02/reframing-valentines-day-as-a-day-to-reconsider-your-relationship/feed/0Predators Hidden by Positive Stereotypes:Past and Present Dangerhttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/02/predators-hidden-by-positive-stereotypespast-and-present-danger/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/02/predators-hidden-by-positive-stereotypespast-and-present-danger/#respondTue, 06 Feb 2018 04:26:21 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5413A stereotype is a preconceived, fixed notion, especially about a person or group of people.

Most of us are familiar with the ongoing danger of negative stereotyping. Over centuries, across nations and in communities, tribes and families, negative stereotyping casts people as unacceptable, disposable, evil and culpable by reason of race, economic standing, nationality, religion, age, gender, etc. The result is dangerous and deadly.

Overlooked but just as dangerous is positive stereotyping. Positive stereotyping presumes that by reason of looks, race, professional expertise, financial success or standing in society, someone is good, sacred, respectable, trustworthy and above the law. The result is also dangerous and deadly.

We have recently read of the reports of close to 265 female gymnasts repeatedly molested by Dr. Lawrence G. Nassar the “respected” team doctor. In his case, as in the case of other predators in scandals that have shocked and horrified us, the predator plays on the positive stereotyping. He hides behind the posture of the good doctor, favorite coach, beloved priest, famous producer or respected politician, etc. Sadly, his pathological denial of doing anything wrong dovetails with our need to confirm our positive stereotypes.

Abuse is Hard to Believe

Why did nothing happen to prevent the abuse of these female gymnasts, some as young as 6 years old, when there were allegations of Dr. Nassar’s abuse as early as 1997? Why did no one speak up when at least 14 coaches, trainers, psychologists or colleagues had been warned of his abuse?

The reasons are confounding and certainly include those who deny, cover-up and become complicit in atrocity for personal protection or gain.

In addition, many others unwittingly add to the nightmare by pushing back with the question, “How Could this be?” The question is understandable, the fact that we have a difficult time believing the truth because of preconceived positive bias is worth considering.

When Rachel Denhollander, one of the gymnasts assaulted by Dr. Nassar, became an attorney and filed the first police complaint against him in 2016 with documentation of the her abuse in 2004 by a nurse practitioner and medical journals disputing the Dr. Nassar’s abusive techniques, she reports losing her church, losing her friends and her privacy to a culture not willing to listen.

Why Won’t People Listen?

According to social psychologist, Leon Festinger, we strive for internal psychological consistency in our beliefs. When we are holding two beliefs that are in conflict, we experience “cognitive dissonance” which creates psychological stress.

“ How can a known and respected doctor be an abuser?

To reduce the dissonance we often block facts that threaten our beliefs and double down on what we hold to be true.

Psychologists consider “this doubling down in the face of conflicting evidence” as part of a set of behaviors known as “motivated reasoning.” Motivated reasoning is how we remain convinced of what we want to believe. Motivated reasoning drives us to ignore, avoid, reject or argue against information that confronts our beliefs.

Given the abuse perpetrated by famous directors, beloved coaches, trusted priests and respected politicians, etc., it may be time to tolerate the cognitive dissonance and loosen our positive and negative stereotypes. Stereotypes are are a threat to truth. They don’t allow us to see people without bias. As such, they leave too many children in harms way.

Children absorb the cultural and familial stereotypes. Much as a little child from another country does not know why she is the victim of grade school bullying, the child molested by the coach, doctor or priest is left bewildered, vulnerable, self-blaming and silent – How can this be? This is a good person? What did I do? What can I say?

Having worked with many victims of early abuse, I would say that to see the faces and hear of the sobs and shaking of the female gymnasts stepping up to face their abuser, is to know that what they are also facing is the re-emergence of split-off horror and pain, frozen in time and secreted away.

When people wonder why victims are so upset 15 or 20 years later, it is because with validation comes the terrifying realization that the stereotypical “ good guy” was really “ the bad guy” who violated body, mind and spirit. The visceral awareness of the dangerous place they have been is terrifying. Coming forward to bear witness, to join with others, is healing —but it is no easy task.

The voices of these brave gymnasts in concert with more and more brave voices of victims from every aspect of this culture are expressions that counter our stereotypes. They invite us to dare to listen for the truth.

We are starting to listen. We are starting to act. Listening and acting invite cultural changes. We can’t stop now.

Listen to a podcast with Savannah Sanders, “Sexual Trafficking: A Trauma-Informed Approach to Prevention and Healing” on Psych up Live

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/02/predators-hidden-by-positive-stereotypespast-and-present-danger/feed/0Four Factors That Make Porn Dangerous for Teenshttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/01/four-factors-that-make-porn-dangerous-for-teens/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/01/four-factors-that-make-porn-dangerous-for-teens/#respondThu, 25 Jan 2018 04:54:31 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5402There has always been pornography and teens have always managed to glance at and share sexual images be they in a magazine or an X Rated film. Things are different.

A High-Tech Culture

We live in a culture that has been dramatically changed by computers. We have access at any time to high-speed Internet connection with an endless selection of topics, images, videos and live streaming on computers, smart phones and an ever-increasing number of devices.

Pornography as it is delivered is now not only qualitatively and quantitatively different – it has a far more costly neurological, physical and emotional impact.

In his book, Your Brain on Porn, Gary Wilson reports that what prompted him to research the latest scientific findings of the impact of internet porn were the thousands of daily global visitors to his site “ Your Brain on Porn” (YBOP) seeking help to stop internet porn use.

Yes, there are reasons and ways to block children and teens’ access to pornography on computers. Porn however is available on every device – be it your teen’s or someone else’s. Experts consider that the most used device to access free online porn is the mobile phone.

What makes this different from one teen showing another a magazine?

The magazine isn’t put back under the bed. Instead, too easily, privately and without expense, a first exposure can become ongoing viewing- be it driven by curiosity, anxiety or arousal.

Content

Pornography is defined “as printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”

Porn has nothing to do with relationships. It features unfair stereotypes and skewed expectations. Creating an idealized version of what people look like, porn subliminally invites a negative comparison with self, which perpetuates the default position of arousal by watching and self-stimulation- instead of doing.

For teens and young adults porn is shocking, arousing, even disturbing. As such, it is not a playbook for dating or sexual connection with a partner. For any teen or young adult who has no dating experience, it offers no examples of steps towards intimacy- flirting, talking, laughing, blushing, waiting, respecting space, learning together.

For both male and females, in a #metoo culture, what porn can’t offer a young viewers is what Andrew Smiler offers in Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy– How to ask for consent, how to give consent, when to ask, the problems with non-verbal consent, the space to let NO mean NO and Yes mean Yes…

The content of porn is aimed at driving arousal is novel ways. For viewers of any age, the naïve or self-serving assumption that what one sees and finds arousing in porn will be what a partner wants, is not only unlikely… it is dangerous.

Delivery

According to expert Gary Wilson, the most dangerous aspect of today’s Internet porn is the delivery.

In his book, Your Brain on Porn, Gary Wilson draws upon scientific research and self-reports from those seeking help to clarify what adults and teens need to know…

The overconsumption of high speed internet images that are constantly novel, always available, and intended to arouse, floods the reward center of the brain with dopamine such that eventually the reward system loses its balance and becomes over-attuned to prefer and eventually need porn in ever increasing doses to attain arousal.

The result for many is addiction – increased usage of porn with symptoms of sexual and erectile dysfunction, loss of attraction to real partners, as well as loss of interest and focus in other life pleasures and pursuits.

According to Gary Wilson, the teen is very vulnerable because adolescent brains are overly sensitive to rewards be they drugs, alcohol or porn and as such are more vulnerable to addiction. The teen who has had no prior sexual experience with a partner knows only the solitary arousal that comes from streaming graphic images of sex.

Help

The impact of the brain on porn is a new and startling reality prompting more and more people to seek help. For the teen, sex of any type is new and startling; but tragic if it ends in Internet porn addiction.

Teens and preadolescents need support, information and guidance without shame. They need to hear about the meaning and nature of porn, the difference between porn and relationships, intimacy and sexual connection with a person.

If a teen is already using porn in an additive way, the important message is that there are programs available and sites like YBOP or Reboot Nation with therapeutic resources for addressing Internet porn addiction and sites with on-line support from others who have faced the addictive use of porn.

No teen or adults needs to be alone in the journey back to self-control and a balanced life.

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2018/01/four-factors-that-make-porn-dangerous-for-teens/feed/0The Risks and Benefits of Giving and Receivinghttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/the-risks-and-benefits-of-giving-and-receiving/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/the-risks-and-benefits-of-giving-and-receiving/#commentsThu, 21 Dec 2017 04:21:18 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5389Do you prefer to give or to receive? Can you risk doing both?

We Love to Give

Most of us love to give and across cultures and religions, giving is recognized as essential to goodness.

“The wise man does not lay up his own treasures. The more he gives to others, the more he has for his own.” — Lao Tzu

In addition to feeling good and spreading goodwill, many people report that giving feels easier for them than receiving. One major reason may be that when we are giving – we are in charge.

We love giving advice far more than receiving it.

We take great pains to give directions (GPS or not) although it is difficult to ask for directions ourselves.

Most of us would much prefer to be in the posse that arrives to rescue the town, than waiting in the town to be rescued.

Most would rather plan the surprise party than be the one surprised.

Receiving is Complicated

Although receiving can feel wonderful, life saving and heartwarming, it is perhaps more complicated than giving.

The ease and joy of receiving is often associated with our early attachments and history.

For some, the essentials of care and love have always been given, so they find it easy to trust and receive.

For some being the recipient connotes need, dependency and expectancy. It is avoided because it has too often been associated with anxiety and disappointment.

For others, the hesitation to receive comes with fear of expectations- to be happy, to be grateful, to reciprocate, to commit- which they fear they may not be willing or ready to do.

It ‘s worth considering that in life giving and receiving come with tremendous benefits and of course some risks. We really don’t know how the other will receive our gift any more than we know for sure how we will feel when someone gives to us.

Connection in life can’t happen unless we take risks.

If in our relationships, we never risk receiving, we take from others the joy of thinking about and giving to us. We also never find out the joy of receiving that in many cases comes without expectation.

If we are in relationships where we are rarely giving and mostly receiving – we miss the joy of thinking about and lighting up someone’s life even for a day. Others miss the joy of feeling that they matter enough for us to make the effort to give to them.

You can reduce the risks of giving and receiving by considering the following:

Do You Give In A Way That Makes Receiving Easy?

Can you give without expectation? – Is it still a gift even if there is no thank you?

Can you give of yourself in a way that may take more time but mean much more – like the gift of a weekly movie night with Grandma instead of another sweater?

Can you give what the other needs – rather than what you need to give?

Can you give without strings – is the gift free of you entitlement to control or dictate its use?

The manner of giving is worth more than the gift. (Pierre Corneille)

Do You Receive in a Way that Makes Giving Possible?

Are you so selfless that you are unable or unwilling to receive gifts? – This may make you untouchable.

Are you able to appreciate the giver’s intent such that the reality of the actual gift doesn’t matter?

Can you accept the gift in the moment it is given without presuming it comes with historical expectations of control or payback?

Can you receive a compliment without correcting or invalidating the giver?

Can you welcome help as generosity rather than implication of dependency or need?

God has given us two hands, one to receive with and the other to give with. (Billy Graham)

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/the-risks-and-benefits-of-giving-and-receiving/feed/2Improving Diminished Sexual Desire in Your Relationshiphttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/improving-diminished-sexual-desire-in-your-relationship/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/improving-diminished-sexual-desire-in-your-relationship/#respondWed, 13 Dec 2017 04:52:33 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5376Many couples regardless of how many years they are married, complain about reduced sexual desire and the lack of expressed sexual interest in their relationship. While the old stereotypes of men and women used to perpetuate the assumption that it was man complaining about the woman’s lack of interest, it seems that a dampening of sexual interest can be something that partners of either sex struggle with.

No One is Speaking About Sex

Too often, the resentment, criticism and impatience that partners have about many issues in their life often cover the rejection and shame associated with the belief that they are no longer sexually desired or desirable.

Whereas couple therapists have long maintained that a couple’s sexual problems are actually a reflection of problems in other areas, the reverse is also true. Many couples will fight about anything rather than face what is not happening in the bedroom.

What Partners Often Misunderstand

What is often misunderstood by partners is how much the lack of their own or their partner’s sexual desire is a result of many things including: negative self-judgment, presumed rejection, lack of understanding of what men and women want, lack of understanding of what men and women need, lack of understanding of what men and women fear, lack of understanding of what makes men and women feel desirable and avoidance of even talking about sexual connection.

Books, research and blog posts offer findings and suggestions that may “bring back that loving feeling.”

Male and Female Differences

Generally men have more sexual desire than women both in frequency and intensity.

Women actually vary more as a group and even individually in sexual desire as a function of monthly cycles, hormones, and life roles.

There is more connection for men in thinking about sex and being sexually aroused. Men take their cues from their bodies.

For women sexual desire and response is a function of many other factors including context, beliefs, attitudes, feeling desired, feeling accepted and open communication in a relationship.

Female Sexual Desire

Sexual researcher Rosemary Basson suggests that even if a woman is very interested in her partner, she may not initiate sex because for many women sexual desire does not precede sexual arousal. Many women enter into sex feeling neutral and it is the sexual experience that stirs the sexual desire.

According to Dr. Lori Brotto, Executive Director of the Women’s Health Research Institute of BC and the UBC Sexual Health Laboratory, for women the sexual response is related to the mind being in sync with the body.

Dr. Brotto, author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness, reports increases in sexual desire and functioning when women are guided to use mindfulness to attend to and identify triggers, context and the kind of stimuli that elicits sexual desire and arousal for them.

Although relational factors are important to women, Sims and Meana, report that stable, even caring relationships are necessary but not sufficient for sexual desire. Women want to feel the romance. Like men they want someone to think they are “HOT.”

The Problem of Expectations and Self-judgments

Men and women can be their own best enhancer or detractor when it comes to sexual desire. What dampens sexual desire most in both men and women are self-expectations and self-judgments.

Male Performance Expectations

Men want to be admired in the bedroom. Their concern about sexual performance is a major one. Often their avoidance of their partner is an avoidance of failed performance- even just once.

Many women have told men in my office – “Please trust that I love you- we will figure it out together.” But that’s only after she finds out that he’s rejecting himself for not living up to his own sexual expectations – not hers.

The fact that this is an age of Viagra and similar drugs, has certainly helped many men: but as Abraham Morgentaler, author of The Viagra Myth explains- medication is far from a cure all. The refill rate for Viagra is less than 50% not because it doesn’t work but because it does very little for young men who think using it will turn them into the stud on Sex in the City or for married men who expect that it will replace talking to and understanding a partner and her needs.

Reporting on his experience with men and sexual issues over many years, Morgentaler agrees that men worry about performance well beyond what women expect; but the notion that sex is simply a primitive urge for men is false. Most men want to take Viagra to please their partner with whom they want to feel a connection.

Men and the Increasing Problem of Porn Addiction

In the last ten years Porn Addiction adds more complication to men’s performance. The current cultural environment provides massive amounts of graphic porn freely accessed on any device.

In The Brain on Porn, Gary Wilson makes it clear that men of all ages often fail to make the connection between their erectile dysfunction, sexual performance and lack of interest in real partners and the addictive use of porn. Younger men are often sidelined by addiction before they have had experience with partners. Older men who worry about performance may turn to easily accessed porn as an alternative. Sadly in some cases the anxiety about functioning often perpetuates their involvement with porn which may actually increase difficulty with and avoidance of their partner.

Perceptions of Desirability

According to Ethel Perel and Marta Meana one very important thing that makes women feel desired is being the “chosen one.” They suggest that when being courted a woman’s sexual desire is raised by the thought “He is choosing me from among others.” Once married, they misinterpret advances as a wish for sex not as a signal of unique desirability.

Women’s misperceptions of their partners’ desires are very often a result of their own negative feelings about themselves physically and emotionally.

A woman’s vision of herself as sexy, hot, and desirable is, in some ways, even more important than her partner’s vision of her.

In her article “Learning to Lust,” Elton quotes research suggesting that what too many women don’t realize is that men don’t need perfection. When a man is in the throes of ecstasy – he is not evaluating her legs – why is she? The rejection of self for whatever reason equates to a rejection of a partner who loves you.

Self-Care and Desirability

Even the first steps toward exercise, self-care or a self-enhancing experience can improve either partner’s sense of his or her own self-value and sexuality. As discussed in the blog “True Love Means- Looks Still Matter” – self-care is sexually attractive.

Given both men and women want to feel desirable, both partners might consider how to communicate “ You are the one!” to their partner of 4 or 40 years – Wowing about the hot person on TV and then expecting your partner to be sexually interested is not likely to work.

According to Sims and Meana, both women and men, regardless of the dampening of desire in a long term relationship, believe that their sexual desire would be stirred by novelty, mystery and the idea of a new partner thinking they were sexy.

The overall message is that new sexual interest is stirred between partners when they are:

Separate enough to be less predictable… Positive enough to assume the best about self and partner… Grateful enough to taking nothing for granted… Interested enough to risk talking about sex… Daring enough to put the world on hold and reach for each other.

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/improving-diminished-sexual-desire-in-your-relationship/feed/0Male Misuse of Power for Sexual Exploitation: Surprising Findingshttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/male-misuse-of-power-for-sexual-exploitation-surprising-findings/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/male-misuse-of-power-for-sexual-exploitation-surprising-findings/#respondSun, 03 Dec 2017 16:31:28 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5364There are still more than a few good men. The focus lately, however, is not on them. It is on the growing number of known, talented, and in some cases respected men who have been accused of sexual harassment, coercion, and rape.

Are these men really different from men who would never do this? Maybe.

An important study by Williams & Gruenfeld, reported in the February 2017 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, sheds light on those who cross the line to sexual aggression and violation when they are in powerful situations.

What these researchers found was that it is not just being in a position of power that makes a man exploitative and sexually aggressive, it is when a man who has a chronic sense of powerlessness is given an acute increase in power that we see an increase in sexual aggression.

Definition of a Personal Sense of Power

The researchers here defined chronic power as the subjective sense of one’s overall power and influence in life. They used the “Sense of Power Scale” developed across nine different samples and 1,141 participants by Cameron Anderson, John Oliver and Dacher Keltner (2012).

This scale defines chronic power not simply as a function of control of resources or assigned social position, but as a more persisting personality trait – the perception of one’s capacity to influence others. As such, when someone has a sense of power, it is coherent within social contexts and across salient relationships. This sense of power is not correlated with Machiavellian manipulative, deceptive behavior or with traits like exploitativeness or entitlement.

The chronic sense of power defined here is correlated with leadership, superiority, self- admiration, openness to experience, altruism, generosity, and positive locus of control. A chronic sense of power does not correlate with power for power sake.

Research Findings

Drawing upon five studies, the researchers found that chronically low-power men placed in a high-power role showed the most hostility in response to a denied opportunity with an attractive woman (Studies 1 and 2).

Both chronically low-power men and women given power were the most likely to report that they would inappropriately pursue an unrequited workplace attraction (Studies 3 and 4).

Having power over an attractive woman increased harassment behavior among men with chronic low power but not men with chronic high power (Study 5).

The researchers’ overall finding is that based on these studies we see evidence that men (and in one study women) with chronic low power appear to have a stronger desire to feel powerful and are more likely to use sexual aggression toward that end.

Are the line-up of men who have been accused of misusing power for sexual exploitative behavior actually men who have never felt powerful. Are they men who in the face of increased power, misuse it to bolster a well-hidden but less positive feeling of self? Do they have difficulty not only regulating sexual impulse but also a positive sense of self and power?

People are complex. The inside negative story a person carries is often, as Dr. Joe Burgo describes for the person with a Narcissistic Personality, a story of hidden shame – even from self. Sadly it is often a secret revealed in their use of others as disposable objects, their rage at being rebuffed, and their definition of power as sexual exploitation.

There are still more than a few good men who have a personal sense of power.

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/12/male-misuse-of-power-for-sexual-exploitation-surprising-findings/feed/0But How Do I Exercise if I’m Depressed?https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/11/but-how-do-i-exercise-if-im-depressed/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/11/but-how-do-i-exercise-if-im-depressed/#respondSat, 11 Nov 2017 03:04:22 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5344When you are depressed, the last thing you may want to do is exercise.

Most people are aware that research has identified exercise as a key factor in reducing depression. Given the despair, lethargy, self-doubt, exhaustion, and shame experienced with depression, however, the suggestion to exercise can add insult to injury. “I’m not exercising because I’m depressed.”

Given the recent discussion of the pros and cons of medications and treatments for depression, it seems clear that people not only need information; they need help making treatment options possible.

If you want to try exercise–but it feels impossible – here are some suggestions.

Suggestions for Exercising When It Feels Impossible

Don’t think Exercise – Think Movement with Motivation

Forget comparing yourself with the neighbor who jogs – start with a simple plan of moving, do it on your time and tie it to something you love.

Park and Walk: If there is a store where you like to shop, start your movement slowly by parking a little farther from the door each day. Plan this small but very big step, keep a tally – you’ll be surprised.

Talking with A Friend: Call for someone or have someone call for you and plan to walk even for only one block. Before you start give yourself permission to stop and turn back. You are in charge.

Choosing Support: There is power and motivation in the company of others, especially people who have an agenda similar to yours.

Two women who could not find a neighbor to walk with came up with a plan to drive to each other’s neighborhood twice a week. The motivation – they really wanted to talk to each other – the bonus – they did it while slowly walking.

Book Worm: Walk around your yard, your block or in a safe place listening to an audio book for 10 minutes. Only listen to the audio book while walking, standing, cleaning etc. Never read the book sitting down.

Re-runs Instead of Running: One man started walking on the old treadmill in the basement to watch re-runs of shows he loved- he wasn’t thinking of walking.

The Brain on Music: Research tells us that music has a powerful impact on brain stimulation. If you love certain music let it be your road out. Put on your earphones and turn the music on and it will help you put on your sneakers, open the door and start moving. Dance, vacuum, walk, ride a stationary bike to music. Choose a music track or album that you only allow yourself to listen to when moving.

Visualize the Reward: I have an uncle who started walking to a bakery each morning. The whole way he visualized the muffin and coffee he planned to buy. He is still walking.

Don’t Exercise for You – Help Someone You Love

Often we will leap tall buildings for those we love. Helping your children, grandchildren, partner, or pet may be the motivation that makes the thought of exercising necessary and therefore possible.

Children, Exercise and Mental Health- A recent analysis of 73 studies in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that physical activity significantly reduced symptoms of depression, anxiety, psychological distress, low-self esteem and emotional disturbance in children and adolescents ranging in age from 3 to 17 years.

A young widow with two school aged children “ dragged” herself from the couch and the children with her to walk to the park a number of times those first months after her husband’s death. Despite her reluctance and their moaning and complaints on the way – the trip was always worth the fight with herself to make it happen.

Enhance the Romance- Many couples have found that the only opportunity to be away from everyone and every social media interruption is the routine walk in the morning, after dinner etc. Often one or the other is reluctant. When you push yourself to do it for him/her and fight your own resistance – you win in many ways.

Pay Back the Pet- No one questions the benefits we get from pets. One of them is the reality that people who own pets tend to be healthier and less depressed for a number of reasons, one of which is the exercise of walking them. When depressed, however, even that can seem like too much to do. It is so much easier to just open the door and let them out- BUT- your pet’s need to be walked may be something you are willing to push yourself to do. If so, everyone wins.

In one case a man on a new antidepressant medication felt so off and so worried that nothing would help lift the cloud, that all he wanted to do was work for a few hours and then sleep for a few hours – but there was his beagle, Lincoln, standing at the front door staring at him. The thought of walking was bad enough – the dog park seemed impossible but he couldn’t ignore Lincoln. Every day he got up and he and Lincoln walked to the dog park. It was part of the journey out of depression. Thank you, Lincoln.

Anyone who has suffered with depression knows the fear of never feeling better. Even the smallest step of mastery, however, is a large antidote to fear and hopelessness.

You deserve the very best – try to tie movement and exercise to something you like or someone you love. It just might help

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/11/but-how-do-i-exercise-if-im-depressed/feed/0Family Sharing vs. Family Secretshttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/11/family-sharing-vs-family-secrets/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/11/family-sharing-vs-family-secrets/#commentsSat, 04 Nov 2017 01:11:54 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5332When it comes to families, it is not what happens that levels the greatest blow-it’s not talking about what happens.

Be it loss, traumatic events, or illness etc., research suggests that stress reactions to painful life events are buffered by networks of support. The family for many is the closest network of support.

Is there room to speak about unexpected life events in your family? Is it safe to share your physical pain, diagnosis, divorce, failing grades or job crisis with family members?

Whether you live with and have your closest ties with the tribe you were born into; the nuclear family you have created with a partner and children; or the second chance family of close friends who feel more like family than anyone else…keeping secrets is emotionally and interpersonally costly.

The definition of a secret is something kept hidden or unexplained. Often the motivation behind a secret is fear of negative reactions or fear of hurting, disturbing, or burdening someone we care about.

I didn’t want to worry you with the diagnosis.

What am I going to tell the kids about a migraine?…I feel guilty enough that I keep disappointing them.

I can’t tell my parents about the bullying – it would kill them.

Secrets are often far more damaging personally and interpersonally, than the information being withheld.

Personally- Secrets Impair Our Sense Of Well-Being.

Recent research finds that secrets have a damaging impact on the well being of the secret holder. The reason is actually surprising.

In a series of experiments, Michael Slepian and colleagues asked people who were keeping a secret how often they felt they had to avoid telling the secret to someone they were hiding it from and how often they thought about the information they were keeping secret.

As it turned out across the studies, people think about the information they are withholding three times more than they think about the fact that they are hiding it from someone.

This was even true when they studied romantic partners keeping secrets. More than “ the hiding” of the secret from the partner was the problem of thinking too much about what they were hiding.

Accordingly the studies found that it was the tendency to think often about information being held kept secret that was associated with decreases in happiness.

The mind is an interesting thing. Whereas research points to the benefits of mindfulness, of freeing our thoughts and just observing where they happen to land in the moment, our decision to withhold information, to keep a secret, seems to clog the airways. –

As C.G. Jung suggests- “What you resist, persists.”

Interpersonally- Secrets Impair Our Relationships With Others.

Hiding the painful reality of a lost job, an illness, or a traumatic event etc. is isolating. It leaves us alone with something difficult to process or bear. Because there is no option to dilute, dissipate, or change the intensity by sharing it, the painful feelings we carry are often conveyed without words to those around us.

Yael Danieli tells us of the “ Code of Silence” of Holocaust survivors whose disavowed horror was nonetheless passed on in the conscious and unconscious of the children they struggled to protect.

The hiding of a secret, jeopardizes our connection with others because it makes authenticity impossible. It is difficult to be spontaneous when you are hiding something painful or worrisome. When we can’t be authentic, connection becomes work and the unfortunate solution is distance- which adds to misperceptions and false assumptions.

Many years ago a man came to me with anxiety and despair. His wife who had been diagnosed with cancer asked him not to tell his best friend at work. In addition to the anxiety and concern he felt for her, he was bereft of his friend who he had to avoid.

Often we believe that it is better not to upset children with adult worries. The reality is that children have radar for the state of being of their lifelines – their parents. On some level, they always know and feel it when something is happening. The unknown, the lack of explanation, is far more terrifying for them then hearing an explanation presented at their level of comprehension with a chance to ask questions.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

-Maya Angelou

Listen in to Dr. Dawn Buse “Living Well With Migraine”( how to speak to children) on Psych Up Live

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/11/family-sharing-vs-family-secrets/feed/1Does Getting Older Make Us Happier? It’s Complicatedhttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/10/does-getting-older-make-us-happier-its-complicated/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/10/does-getting-older-make-us-happier-its-complicated/#commentsTue, 10 Oct 2017 03:59:40 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5312While most sixteen year olds want to be eighteen, how many 45 year olds want to be 65?

Research has increasingly found happiness to be a function of many dimensions. One of them happens to be age; but it is more complicated than we might think. The progression in age does not make us more happy or unhappy in a linear way.

The U-Bend of Happiness

The surprising finding is that people increase in happiness until around 30 then happiness heads downward into midlife and then back up again to higher levels after the 50’s. This U-bend of happiness seems to hold true even across cultural differences.

People are the least happy in their 40’s and 50’s with the global low point being 46 years. Past middle age there seems to be growing happiness into the later years that occurs regardless of money, employment status or children.

These findings are further delineated by research psychologists Arthur Stone, Joseph Schwartz and Joan Broderick whose study of the age distribution of psychological well-being in the U.S., involved a telephone survey of 340,847 people. Their findings confirmed the U-bend for global well-being (overall happiness with one’s life) and more clearly identified the state of negative feelings across the life span.

They found that while there are some differences in the experience of negative feelings over time, overall they seem to follow the U-bend.

Let’s take a closer look:

Worry and stress decline from ages 20 to 30.

One explanation is that you are no longer in the teens trying to figure who, what and where you are supposed to be. Dr. Jeffrey Arndt coined this as the age of “Emerging Adulthood” where many young people load, launch and land by 30. It is an in-between age; but it is often colored by optimism.

Worry increases after 30 and is most elevated in mid-life and then declines after the 50’s.

This makes sense in that the middle years can promise all, give all, and demand all. The colloquial expression is ” mid-life stress.” Many people in the late 30’s to 50’s are working, building families, juggling children’s needs, couple needs, social ties and extended family needs.

Globally they often feel fulfilled and happy with life and family. On a daily basis, however, their stress can make them very unhappy to learn that the meeting at work conflicts with their daughter’s playoff game; that somehow they are not covering their bills; they have no personal time; everyone needs them; they are struggling to find couple time and they worry if they are enjoying life or looking old.

These are the times when it is worth recognizing ( when you can) that happiness is not incompatible with stress, strain or disappointment; that every day is another opportunity; that feeling better is about accepting all types of feelings as human and that sometimes capturing happiness is in the moment, the day or a little one’s laughter.

Worry decreases after the 50’s and despite increasing health issues and less mobility, as people age, they are happier and less stressed than younger people.

What Accounts for this U-bend of Happiness in Life?

Some of the theories that researchers, Stone, Schwartz and Broderick propose include:

Increased “wisdom” or psychological intelligence in handling life.

Less aspirations and expectations of self.

Sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.

Greater appreciation for life.

Living in the moment with less worry about the future—the essence of mindfulness.

Greater ability to regulate emotions than younger people. (Older adults have much more patience waiting in lines or waiting rooms – maybe they are not punching a clock – maybe they have figured out it is not worth getting stressed.)

Maybe the take home message for any age is that you are not alone. There are many going up and down the same life trails. Drawing on the wisdom of those ahead on the trail – when in doubt, don’t rush, don’t worry what others think, enjoy the journey and don’t miss the view.

Image-Josephine Comins

]]>https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/10/does-getting-older-make-us-happier-its-complicated/feed/1Coping in the Face of Deadly Violence: The Vegas Shootinghttps://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/10/coping-in-the-face-of-deadly-violence-the-vegas-shooting/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2017/10/coping-in-the-face-of-deadly-violence-the-vegas-shooting/#commentsTue, 03 Oct 2017 04:13:41 +0000https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/?p=5303The Vegas Shooting that took the lives of 59 people and wounded 527 others is the deadliest shooting incident in modern American history. It is a tragic and violent event.

As we shockingly take stock of this horrific event, we once again dare to imagine the pain of the families, the suffering of those wounded and the echoes of fear and horror triggered in so many who have faced violence and tragedy. In the face of such violent loss and injury we are left without words, helpless to understand ‘Why’ and needing to believe there is a way to prevent such events. How Do We Cope?

Psychological First Aid

We have come to know that even as we can still barely catch a breath and struggle for answers; there are some initial steps of Psychological First Aid (PFA) that offer some relief when life has suddenly become so terrifying.

Establishing Safety-Monitoring Media

One of the most important sources of safety in the aftermath of catastrophe is the invaluable updating and communication of information through media sources. It can also be a source of heightened anxiety and re-traumatization.

Continual witnessing of a horrific event on social media or in the news can be frightening and dysregulating.

Events that are discrepant with our usual expectations are disturbing for adults and children. For most people, music concerts and trips to Vegas bring associations of fun, wonderful times and treasured memories. As such, the impact of this shooting needs to be moderated. Explanations of what has happened need to be made in age appropriate ways to teens and children.

Overall it is crucial to balance “ the need to know” with shutting down your own and the family’s media sources so that adults, young people and children are not assaulted by a 24/7 exposure to this tragic event.

Networks of Support

When a traumatic event has occurred, an invaluable source of physical and psychological safety is connection with familiar networks of support. People feel comfort, empathy and validation in community – be it family, friends, school, church or online communities.

It is often helpful for friends and family to have the opportunity to share their feelings about the events, their associations and their fears. Finding out that you are not alone with the emotional impact of a violent and lethal shooting – is helpful.

When a tragic event has harmed or taken those close to us, we often don’t even have words. There are no words. We can’t think and sometimes can’t feel. What we have learned is that the compassionate presence of those we love and those with whom we are most comfortable, help buffer the anguish and suffering of such loss.

Making Meaning of Common Responses to Trauma

It helps many to understand that there are common stress responses to experiencing and witnessing trauma and traumatic loss. These include symptoms of Hyperarousal; Intrusion or Re-experiencing; Negative Thoughts and Feelings; and Numbing and Avoidance. Not everyone experiences these responses and they rarely last more than a few weeks. When they persist, getting professional support can be very helpful.

Hyperarousal or the Persistent Expectation of Danger

Hyperarousal is reflected in an inability to relax, exaggerated startle response, inability to sleep or concentrate and irritability. It is as if your mind and body does not yet know you are safe.

Strategies to address hyperarousal include:

Self Care of your basic needs – Are you sleeping, eating and do you have a way to relax?

All of your basic needs are helped if you make use of physical and emotional stress reduction opportunities to exercise, play music, cook, read the paper, pray or do something that calms you.

This is the time to use your relaxation strategies. In the disorganized state of trauma, people often forget the value of re-setting and using their own routines.

Be very careful about the use of alcohol and drugs. People often see them as quick ways to relax; but they actually add to the physical and emotional disorganization experienced after trauma.

Intrusion or Re-experiencing

Feeling caught in the imprint of the trauma, many re-experience the images or sensations felt at the time of the traumatic event. They have nightmares, flashbacks, or intrusive memories.

If you find yourself jolted by a picture in the paper or have a nightmare, consider that such reactions are the mind and body’s way of assimilating an incomprehensible event into your life experience.

Strategies to deal with them include:

Re-frame them as understandable sequels to an event outside your life experience.

Share them, write about them, express them in music, art or some medium – move them from frightening fragments to something for which you have more mastery.

Use positive re-focusing — once you have identified them as unassimilated glimpses and traumatic memories, turn your mind and body to something that feels transformative. People find nature, pets, sports, music, prayer and helping others to be effective.

Negative Thoughts and Feelings: It is common that the direct experience, witnessing or learning of a violent event will trigger negative thoughts about the world, excessive blame of self or blame of others. It is important to know that such feelings are part of the fight/flight reaction to an unspeakable event.

Strategies to Deal with them Include

Cognitively accept and reframe these thoughts or feelings as symptoms of traumatic exposure. They will shift as time passes and as you take opportunities to lower your stress level.

Many people find that being with people they love and care about reduces these feelings – be it playing with your children or feeling grateful for dinner with a loved one.

Taking on an achievable goal – particularly one that benefits someone else reduces the feelings of helplessness and is an antidote to anger and self-blame. Generosity to others lowers the fight/flight reactivity.

Gratitude for what is precious and awe inspiring in this world like the wonders of nature or the way that people step up to help each other fosters loving kindness and a calming perspective.

Numbing and Avoidance

Numbing is a response to trauma that involves physical and psychological shutdown. Like the other responses to trauma, it is actually a functional way to survive in the face of overwhelming danger. For some teens, children and adults it may be a necessary first survival strategy.

When numbing persists, it often unfolds into avoidance and isolation as an attempt to avoid triggers of traumatic memory or intolerable feelings of loss, grief or pain.

The problem with avoidance, if it persists, is that it leaves a person alone with the trauma. It does not allow for sharing, diluting, normalizing or integrating the traumatic event.

Strategies to deal with numbing and avoidance include:

Reaching for and accepting the offer of someone who knows what you have faced and can be a compassionate presence – a friend, a partner, a family member, a professional, a spiritual caregiver.

Just being with someone who cares regardless of whether you are walking, cooking, shooting hoops or listening to music takes you away from the trauma and allows you to dare to feel again – a crucial start.

Access You Coping Skills

In the aftermath of trauma, it can feel as if you are frozen in time with the trauma. The past seems gone and the future seems impossible. It is really important to reach behind the wall of trauma to your passions and resiliency traits because they still belong to you and they are what you have drawn upon in life to cope in situations of pain, disappointment, adversity and even loss.

Be it physical strength, intelligence, social skills, love of nature, sense of humor, creativity, playing music, mindfulness, spirituality, generosity and the wish to help –these strengths are the best of you.

Violent events as the shooting in Vegas take life and threaten our freedom to live safely, enjoy music, travel, and have wonderful times in the company of others.

As individuals, families, communities and cultures, we must now go forward to bear witness, mourn, bond, pray… and find the music again.