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How Do You Deal When Your In-Laws Drive You Nuts?

Well, Save the Date reader lindsay417 has the future father-in-law from hell!

Writes Lindsay:

My future in-laws recently took me out to dinner for my birthday, and we got into a fight. It started when his dad complained about how he has to tip at coffee shops. I work for tips at a coffee shop. I explained how I appreciate tips because I couldn’t live off my minimum-wage salary; I would need a second job if not for tips.

His dad is infamous for lashing out if someone disagrees with him—he once disowned a family member because she always voiced her opinion—so the discussion soon escalated into an argument. He asked, “How is it my responsibility to make sure you can make a living? Find a different job.” To which I replied, “I’m in college earning a degree. Where could I make X dollars an hour?” He asked very sarcastically and aggressively, “Can you hold a hammer?”

His parents aren’t the easiest to be around, but I’ve always been polite and we’ve always gotten along just fine. I’m extremely offended by this, however, and don't know how to get past it. I’ve never been very comfortable around them anyway, so this just makes me want to avoid them even more. My fiance sent an e-mail telling them they’ve offended me, but even if they apologize, I’m not sure how to act around them the next time I see them. I’m sure as hell not going to stifle my opinions for the rest of my life! Where do I go from here? Help!

Here are my thoughts:

Well that sounds like an un-fun birthday dinner. I’m sorry. As someone with a, um, “difficult” set of in-laws of her own, I can definitely relate.

The good news is, your finace appears to be on your side. Without that, you’d be butting heads with the three of them for the rest of your life. Which would seriously suck.

As far as this incident goes, I don’t think it’s wise to re-hash it the next time you’re together, even if you’re still feeling miffed. If you haven’t gotten an apology yet, chances are you’re not going to. You have every right to be pissed, but I’d chalk that argument up as a loss and try to move past it.

The next time you see them, I would be aloof but polite. I would also try to have as much control over this visit as possible. A big family gathering where you can interact with other people—and excuse yourselves early—would be ideal. Bonus points if there’s alcohol involved. (A glass of wine never hurt family relations. Trust me.) If there are none of those on the horizon, I would go for a brief get-together on neutral turf. Maybe you could offer to meet them for brunch on Mother’s Day?

If the conversation gets heated at any point—like it did when my mother-in-law said, six months after our wedding, that she “could have had grandchildren by now” if Rory had stayed with his ex—feel free to stand up and announce, “I’m going to the ladies room right now. When I’m back, I’d appreciate it if this part of the conversation were over.”

Another tactic I’ve taken is to say, “That’s inappropriate,” or “I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable with this conversation,” and quickly change the subject when the topic at hand has you feeling uneasy. I used the former when my father-in-law recently asked—during a Passover sedar with extended family—whether I planned on breastfeeding.

I’ve also tried being rude right back, but I don’t recommend going that route. The fact of the matter is, you need to maintain some semblance of a relationship with these people—probably for at least a few decades—so you’ll want to be on civil terms with them. After all, even if you don’t mind being combative, your fiance’s the one who’s going to hear about it. And it will be harder for him to defend you if you’re behaving childishly.

What it boils down to is this: You can’t have a rational relationship with an irrational person, which clearly your father-in-law is. Trying to approach your relationship in a normal, rational way is only going to leave you hugely frustrated. I’d assume, going forward, that you’re not going to have a great relationship with either of them. The best you can do is be polite—as the parents of your fiance, they deserve that, if nothing else.

Oh, and if you’re going to complain about your future in-laws, try to vent to your girlfriends instead of your fiance. If he feels like he constantly has to stand up for them, it’s only going to reflect negatively on you.

Ladies, do any of you have difficult in-laws or future in-laws? How do you deal with them? Do you think Lindsay should bend over backwards and be nice? Or do you think she should stick with aloof/polite, like I do?

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