World's Sexiest Writer 2007 - Results

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the inaugural World's Sexiest Writer awards 2007. Before we begin, I will first ask for a round of applause for Mr Daniel Hatadi, who not only set up this year's poll and policed the results, but is also responsible for providing the venue for tonight's proceedings.

[Pause for applause]

Now, as I see that some of you are already drunk, we shall move onto the results without further ado - results that showed a quite impressive turnout, so impressive in some cases that eyebrows were raised at their legitimacy, but as we're all honest and decent people here, we have assumed that no foul play took place.

[Pause for everyone to shift awkwardly in their seats and cast suspicious glances at the people next to them]

For those not quite sexy enough to make the list, can I suggest that next year you try a bit harder? Swap those knitwear cardigans for a bit of skintight PVC, prostitute yourself more heavily at the next crimewriting convention and at least attempt to bribe the organisers. In the meantime, you could always compensate for lack of success here by winning a Dagger award or, if you're really desperate, the Booker prize.

But we're not here tonight to celebrate writing or literature or, indeed, any of you lot, we're here to celebrate the beautiful people - and here they are: the top 10 sexiest writers 2007 (it would have been 12, a number suitable for calendar production, but 3 people qualified for twelfth place and that rather messed that idea up).

In joint tenth place, two female writers, both Australian residents, one with a history of modelling, the other a history of stripping. Quite how they made this list is anyone's guess.

Three writers tie for eighth, all of whom have less salubrious backgrounds than our previous entrants; an ex-lawyer, an ex-television executive and an ex-university lecturer. But then they became writers, so it just goes to show that whatever one does, one can always sink lower.

At number five, a former circus acrobat and part-time USAF test pilot with a serious jelly baby allergy. Ahem. Sorry, misread the autocue. Another writer with an award-winning background in TV and whose novel 'Hostage' became a movie starring Bruce Willis.

Number four's biography states that he is 'a disturbing and controversial voice', which suggests a disembodied phantasm that whispers the toxic dangers of tissue paper whilst you're on the loo, until you read on to find that he is only a disturbing and controversial voice 'in contemporary fiction'. He owns a shop, writes for the Grauniad and is literary director of the prestigious Crime Scene festival.

Most people would idly let being Scottish stand in the way of being sexy, but not number three. Winning awards as a journalist before commencing a prolific career in television, his writing of the China Thrillers has won him critical acclaim as an author. Though perhaps the reason he reached the upper echelons of this list is due to the fact he now lives in France, universally acknowledged as a much sexier country than Scotland, albeit one full of French people.

According to her self-portait, number two looks a bit like Rhubard from Bob Godfrey's classic kid's TV cartoon, even though Rhubarb's a dog and clearly a feline resemblance was intended. Unlike many others on the list, she only has one book to her name and, unfortunately, it does not fall into the hallowed 'crime-solving cat' genre.

As it turned out, the World's Sexiest Writer 2007 poll wasn't a competition, it was a walk-over, with the number one choice receiving almost three times as many votes as anyone else. It would be churlish of me to suggest that this is purely down to his being Canadian - Canada universally acknowledged as being the sexiest country on earth due to all the elk - so I'll put it down to the beard instead.

Early signs that he would become the World's Sexiest Writer were not good: He started out writing poetry. A move to New York and menial jobs affronting the wives of international diplomats followed before he broke into television. A brief stint on Law and Order turned him to novels, one of which was filmed as 'Les Couleurs du Diable', which may only score 4.4 on the IMDB, but is clearly French, so must be an arty, intellectual discourse on belly-button fluff or something. But the book - 'Cold Eye' - was a thriller, garnered excellent reviews and sold not particularly well.

Still, more books have followed with rather more success and while he has a propensity for playing blues guitar, that hasn't yet driven him to drink, drugs and an early grave. Given his newfound acclaim as the World's Sexiest Writer 2007, I think that's something for which we can all be grateful.

And so concludes our first World's Sexiest Writer ceremony. I see that some of you have now moved past drunk into being an alcohol-addled heap on the floor, dribbling spittle onto the red carpet. May I suggest your more sober, fellow attendees help you to the door... no? Fine, let the cleaners sweep them up. Enjoy the after show parties, remember to be careful when exiting limousines if you're not wearing any underwear and I hope to see you all again next year.

Thanks to all my 'admirers'...
My daughter is laughing her head off as we speak. Shurely shome mistake, or are grey-haired colonials (one Canadian, one Scot and one Brit) suddenly the 'in' thing?
At any rate, I'm flattered and all that but I think that somehow voters were confusing the actual writer with the books. As I once mentioned to an interviewer, had I done all the sexy things my characters appear to do on a regular basis, I'd now been on crutches, or worse.
It's been an entertaining week following the poll, though.

Ha ha! Excellent writeup, Vincent. It has been an entertaining week and I'm sure many people have actually checked out the writing from authors they hadn't heard of before. Except me, because I think sex without love is ... *cough, cough* ... soulless. :)