A female perspective on the Autistic Spectrum, Mental Illness and everything else….

This exhausted feeling is depression. And it cannot go on like this…

I don’t think this exhausted feeling is physical illness related. I’m daily affected by things that I just cannot put out of my mind. I am the kind of person that simply can’t accept things that are wrong. While others aren’t doing the right thing by me I’m left to suffer every single day. I have tried to let it go, but I just can’t. And other people aren’t bothered about trying to promote peace between me and others because they just won’t stop laying on any negative things involved in anything that has happened. It’s getting painful for me to carry on without getting that depressed I cannot face getting out of bed. It literally zaps my energy constantly. It can’t go on like this but if things don’t change it will do so. I may have made mistakes in my past but I deserve a chance now. I have well and truly paid for all the things that I’ve done wrong. I cannot live with the pain any longer because it’s causing me to be exhausted. Exhaustion is a symptom of a breakdown. It’s not fair that the actions (or in some cases, lack of action to do the right thing) by other people is pushing me into one.

The lies and stirring has to stop because it is affecting me and it will never get things sorted okay. I’m tired. I don’t have the energy to contend with all that stirring and malicious gossip designed to play one person off against another. I’m not stupid. I know that others have no intention of being decent towards me however much I’ve changed. The things I do will always be turned into a negative slant in some way because that is how others want certain people to see me. I just want everything over (orders etc dropped) because I can’t mentally rest until they are due to the fact that I need to perceive forgiveness so I do not hate myself on a daily basis. Hating myself is also exhausting. I have had to do this long enough. It’s not fair to leave things as they are anymore. I’ve made it clear what happened and how things came to be. I cannot be made to suffer anymore because it just isn’t fair and is impeding on my life.