Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Dose of Bikram Yoga...

Ok, so for the last two weeks I've taken a slight break from running and decided to give Bikram Yoga a try. Now before I give you my thoughts on the matter I wanted to share the following, a real Craigslist ad that was posted in Seattle. If you've never experienced hot yoga you may not find this as hilarious as I did...or you may not have sense of humor. :) Either way..

11:55aOpen door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57aI feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58aThe shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiance may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59aBegin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00pInstructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02pSince I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10pIt is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26pIt is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33pIt is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40pThe overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44pI consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52pIt is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55pThis room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.I lose consciousness.

1:15pI have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17pI cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20pIt is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30pTorture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34pMy opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37pThe temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47pArrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47pCreate Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29pNote to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Location: Bellevue

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Yeah, so this pretty much sums up my experience. Kidding, only slightly. Maybe just the first 3 sessions. :) In all seriousness, I had no idea what I was in for! I have never taken any sort of yoga or hot yoga class before and had no clue how intense it really is! My tips for you if I haven't scared you off from the idea yet..

1. Drink tons of water in the days before! Proper hydration is necessary.

4. Concentrate on your breathing. As a newbie there is a lot to take in...executing the pose, keeping your balance, sweat dripping in your eyes, room is spinning, you get the idea...but after the first few classes I found the more I focused on my breathing the better I did.

5. It's about 90% mental. Your body is completely uncomfortable and you will wanna quit but pushing through and completing each pose to the best of your ability is really gratifying. I guess that's kinda the appeal for me.

6. Bring a change of clothes! I've never sweat so much in my entire life!

Now that my trial period is up I won't be purchasing a membership. But that doesn't mean I hated it. I actually wouldn't be opposed to going once a week or so but I could never make it a regular routine. It just wasn't my cup of tea I guess. But it was a positive experience overall. I actually noticed my flexibility/poses improving after only the first week and all that sweating, it's like a facial for your skin! Plus, yoga gear is really cute. :)

the craiglist ad was hilarious!!! I have had a class or two...i took yoga as an actual 1 unit class in college to fill up some time in between regular classes and part of the class requirements was to take a class at my professor's studio...which happened to be hot yoga. it was crazy...but i want to do it again hahaha