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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bacon makes everything better, they say. Unfortunately, that's not true. Some things just shouldn't have bacon added to them. In this feature, we'll examine real-life products that are just too much bacon.

One of the best things about bacon is its consistency - that perfect combination of grease and crunch that literally melts in your mouth. So the idea of perverting that into a mayonnaise-based spread is horrible. Jon Stewart recently latched onto Baconnaise, made by the redoubtable J&D Corporation, as a horrific example of the over-the-top fattification of American cuisine. But do you know what the worst thing about it is? It's vegetarian. There's not a single fleck of bacon in it. Instead it's all tocopherols and gluconic acid. Yum.

Nobody likes to lick envelope glue - well, except for that weird kid who sat in the back of homeroom and always wore the same sweat pants every day. But I'm not sold on the idea that adding artificial bacon flavor to the sealant flaps is going to make the process any more pleasant. From the fine people at J&D, "Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes" let you send out all of your important correspondance in a bacon-flavored envelope. Reports of dogs attacking mailmen and running off with these envelopes have not been confirmed.

There are lot of things that I'd like my mouth to smell like - freshly-printed $100 bills, spearmint, sex pheromones - but I can honestly say that I have never woken up in the morning wishing my breath had the greasy tang of bacon. Luckily, the hard-working lunatics at the Archie McPhee company did, and they created these Altoid-esque breath fresheners that fuse pork essence with just a little hint of mint. Reports from the field call them "the worst candy ever eaten," so buyer beware.

Potatoes and bacon go together just fine on your breakfast plate, but in a cocktail glass? I have to say I'm skeptical. Bakon vodka is, by their estimation, a "superior quality potato vodka with a savory bacon flavor." No chemical additives are used, and drinkers report it's not harsh on the throat like many other novelty vodkas. But the whole point of vodka is that it's as close to tasteless as a consumable spirit can get, making it ideal for a wide variety of mixed drinks. What are you going to make with bacon vodka? Besides a mess of puke in your toilet the next day.

We're going to start moving away from the strictly food-oriented items into some other, less edible uses for bacon. Or at least I hope you aren't supposed to chow down on this pair of Air Jordans made entirely out of crisped hog flesh. I would recommend wearing two pairs of socks if you're going to take these puppies out for a jog.

If the bacon breath mints just aren't doing the trick for your outrageous halitosis, why not kick things up a notch with a tube of bacon toothpaste? Guaranteed to leave your mouthhole smelling like a slab of greasy, smoky meat, this tube of paste is probably about as effective for getting your teeth clean as brushing with liquefied Gummi Bears. But who cares, right? It tastes like bacon!

If there's one thing you associate with bacon, it's grease. So the concept of a bacon-based sexual lubricant makes scientific sense. It's still just incredibly gross, but at least it makes sense. The bacon-obsessed chemistry maniacs at J&D wanted to add a little sizzle to your bedroom activities, so they created this water-soluble personal lubricant to make your lovemaking smell like the kitchen at Denny's. Don't use it and then bang a chick in the kitchen at Denny's, though. That would be wrong.

The Jones Soda company is notorious for releasing some extremely funky flavors - who can forget their Thanksgiving offering of turkey and gravy? - but they went over the top in 2010 with their absolutely disgusting bacon soda. Packing a fizzy mouthful of smoky, greasy flavor, the drink was roundly reviled by everybody who sampled it. Thick, smoky, and revolting, Jones touted it as being an ingredient in a cocktail containing bourbon, cream, soda water and a raw egg. No thank you.

If you're already employing the bacon lube in the bedroom, why not kick things up a notch Emeril-style with this sultry bra made of nothing but the finest bacon. Unfortunately, this isn't pre-cooked, so you won't be able to chew it off your ladyfriend's sweater puppies in the throes of passion without possibly getting food poisoning. I guess if it was cooked it might chafe the sensitive nipple areas.

Eating all this bacon is well and good, but what if you want to have the taste of meat on your lips all day long? The only real answer is bacon lip balm. All of the bacon flavor without the calories, fat or general obesity, this balm will keep your lips kissably soft. But nobody will want to kiss them because you'll smell like an unwashed frying pan. I guess that will help keep them soft, though.

And, finally, we close with the personal hygiene product for the man who just has to have everything smell like bacon. Anybody who's seen Fight Club knows that fat can be rendered into soap, and what kind of food is fattier than bacon? Soapmaker Michael Zary saved all of his bacon grease for weeks before rendering it, adding lye and water, and creating these bars of solid piggy cleanliness. Alas, much of the bacon flavor is stripped by this process, but a combination of essential oils and flavor elements brings it right back.

Ian M. Sherwin Giclée

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All you art collectors out there. Here is a chance to get a Giclee copy of some of Ian M Sherwin work. Ian is planning on doing a whole series of Marblehead, Massachusetts paintings.His work is amazing.