What's up folks! Celebrated my 20th birthday a few weeks back. I'd first like to thank you all for those wishes that poured in! The last time so many people had wished for my happiness was when I had floated rumours about settling in Himalayas forever, renouncing myself from this world! Everyone was so happy that they'll be finally getting rid of my nonsense. But only until they realized that I was kidding and it hurt them real bad.

Yes.

Anyway, Happy Ganesh Chaturthi! Best thing about Ganeshotsav are Momos..err Modaks! Well, never mind.
Okay, skipping the part where I whine about how fucked up my life is, I'll move on saving your much precious time.

Remember the time when being nice was seen as great quality? Maybe somewhere around the Stone Age era. When good peeps were roaming around naked on this planet without being judged, rubbing flint stones, producing fire and shit! Everyone was thriving happily. But these days, good folks are almost extinct, going the dodo way.
What could be the reason possibly?
Let me give you an example.

There are two guys, Ramesh and Suresh. Ramesh is the typical good guy. He's caring, polite, generous, kind and selfless and many more adjectives! He respects almost everyone who's worthy of it. But his only weakness is that he's seen as an uninteresting person. Alone and lonely at times maybe because of his social introversion. Also, often taken for granted due to his considerate nature.

And now, there's this other guy Suresh, contrary to Ramesh. He's the so called cool guy. Strong, confident, rich, devious, cunning and dashing! He's always ready to take the world! But his only weakness or maybe strength is that's he is an asshole of the highest magnitude. He's often seen snatching away stuff that other people deserve, that too in a spectacular fashion!

Now the plot twist is that they both like the same girl. Call it coincidence or mere fate.
Now, let me ask you a simple question. Who do you think the girl chooses? Ramesh or Suresh?
Okay. If you are actually thinking over this one, you either suffer from Down's Syndrome or you need that box of BournVita Lil' Champs.

It's Suresh.
The chances of Ramesh here are just like the chances of Rahul Gandhi becoming the next PM or me getting laid. Yes. Not happening bro.

Come on, you know that. It's 21st century, this world belongs to jerks and fools alike!
So, in order to be successful in life you should probably know how to be a jerk. Or maybe know how to act as one.
Don't worry, I've prepared a definitive guide for you folks. Follow it and you'd hear people calling you "Ek no. ka *insert any abuse here* hai wo banda!", behind your back.

1]. Be selectively nice.

I know. This sounds like irony just slept with Kim Kardashian and wept itself to death but believe me this is the first and foremost requirement. I'm stressing on the word 'selectively' here. You can't just go around being nice to everyone! You should know ki kisko maska lagana hai aur kisko nahi.
As Christopher Columbus once said or maybe he didn't, "Every great asshole was once a great ass licker!"
So, take the cue from this explorer who's also known for his mass genocides and 'great syphilitic expansion!' in Europe.

2]. Be an arrogant & a selfish cunt.

You need to have that insatiable greed in you. The greed African kids have, when they see food. Try to find what's in store for you, in almost everything you do. Take due credit for others' efforts. As far as arrogance goes, everyone's opinions and views can suck bullocks. Practice screaming "I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!" in a mirror. You need to be self obsessed at extreme levels. Try making out with yourself, maybe.

3]. Be a dishonest borderline hypocrite.

Well, I need not say this. Every jerk is by default a hypocrite of highest order! And yes, never forget to carry that knife in your pocket of Trust. Makes backstabbing easier. You should know how to pretend as a fool, as you go on fooling others. Don't call a spade a spade. Call it a penguin, a balloon or even a sledgehammer, but not a spade.

4]. Be manipulative & shrewd.

If you're still reading this & ardently following the above things I mentioned, you probably won't survive a single day and might end up as a Dadar station ka dyslexic bhikaari.
So, now you need to build your team or an army of like minded fools..err folks like you. You should be able to identify which people are useful to you and then somehow manipulate them into sucking your dick. Although, you might need to contort your usual behavior for this purpose. Sugar coating your selfish motives with kindness and pseudo generosity always works like charm in these situations.

5]. Never be yourself.

Lastly, fuck those deep shit quotes which preach "Be yourself!"
NEVER BE YOURSELF.
The process of turning into a jerk from a nice guy is a long and tedious one. So, you may sometimes feel like giving up and going back. But don't do that. Hang on in there, keep layering yourself with that plaster of fake personality and others with your sweet blarney! Learn the art of masquerading yourself just as the world wants to see.

The above guide is critically acclaimed by some of the greatest successful jerks in our history.
Right from Adolf Hitler to Thomas Edison!
Hope it helps you to be that despicable person you've always longed to be.

And for losers who're repulsive of jerks, it's advisable for you to be prepared for the unending war that lies ahead!
I've tried many times to be that obnoxious douche-bag and failed miserably every time. Maybe because I'm way too sardonic towards them.
But the truth is, I HATE ASSHOLES.
The world may think of nice guys as losers and failures but these folks have strayed themselves away to live in their very own parallel universe. Where they think of themselves as the real winners!

Exactly.

I'd like to conclude it here by quoting the legendary John Lennon!

"There's room at the top, they're telling you still. But first you must learn how to smile as you kill."

Okay. I've to go now and shop for a new pair of roller skates for my amputated friend, to gift him on his birthday.
So moving on to this month's catalog.

Before signing off, as usual I'd like to thank Siddhi Pawar and Rohith Jayrajan for proofreading this one!
Every month I keep sending them garbage under the pretext of blog articles and every month these folks refurbish that tommyrot in a beautiful way! I definitely owe them a lot! _/\_

And yes, please feel free to express your opinions, suggestions, criticisms or abuses in the comments section! Also, do share it with your friends if you enjoyed reading it. If not, I'm sorry to disappoint you once again! :)

Till then, Adios! :)

[ P.S: All the views expressed here are personal. The author is retarded and suffers from moderate level cerebral palsy. He doesn't claim responsibility for any mental or physical
trauma caused by following the guidelines mentioned in the article. Follow it at
your own risk. Thank you for reading.]

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About

Hiding my insecurities behind my morbid cynicism & humour. Neither a writer, nor a poet. Not yet. I'm worst at what I do best & for this gift, I feel blessed. Please read my old articles and hate me for growing up and being a hypocrite. And yes, I love you all!