Fort Smith Church To Promote Healthy Marriages

A community roundtable of area relationship experts sat down to discuss those fuzzy areas between black and white that often cloud a marriage. Led by the Rev. Marty Sloan of Harvest Time, who will use the information as research for the upcoming “Too Many Shades of Gray” series he will lead throughout January at the church, the panel began by attempting to define black and white.

It wasn’t as clear as black and white to define the term, as the panel soon discovered.

“We live in a culture not clear about anything,” said Sloan, senior pastor at Harvest Time. “Not black, not white.”

Withholding information from a spouse, pornography, little white lies — there are more gray areas in a relationship than the panel cared to count.

So the discussion turned to moral compasses and how individuals live their own truth, as defined by their own family values.

“We’re all trying to play the game with different sets of rules,” explained Ben Storie, a licensed professional counselor who sees couples struggling in their relationships. “The rules all change, and there’s no anchor that ties to it.”

Sloan sees an anchor — the foundation of a Christ-centered marriage, as opposed to a “me-centered” society.

Kevin Hickey, a local divorce attorney, said that a “me-centered” life has consequences.

“If me-time is all the time and you’re married to someone, you’re going to have a problem,” explained Hickey. “Marriage is like a garden — you’ve got to water it, feed it, nurture it and weed it.”

When questioned about what he thought the “weeds” could be, Hickey explained that there are now more women in the workforce, leaving many mothers short of time for their families. Social media sites, like Facebook, also have contributed to marital problems for some couples. Facebook is mentioned in more than one-third of all divorces, according to Hickey.

Sloan also contributed what he calls “all the noise” that detracts from a marital relationship. Things like checking email before bed or not having time to sit together and eat as a family takes away from a marriage and the intimacy of a couple.

Becky Sloan, the pastor’s wife, said she recently took Facebook and Twitter off her smartphone to remove the distractions. She said she would use her downtime more productively.

“We do live in such a noisy world,” Becky Sloan added.

Storie added that online virtual gaming can have a negative impact on a marriage, something he sees often in his practice.

“Getting lost in a virtual reality and not being in touch with actual reality,” he explained.

So the weeds have to be removed from time to time, so they don’t choke out the good things that grow in the garden, like love, intimacy, respect and trust, along with fun times, quality time and emotional connection.

“People want to be connected,” said Shelly Johnson, a registered nurse and care pastor at Harvest Time who leads the Fresh Start program for those with marriage and family issues or addictions. “People often come to me feeling rejected and lonely. They’re desiring that connection.”

Most are wanting that connection to feel whole again, as many who go through addictions or losses such as divorce feel very broken.

“The people that I see … some don’t take marriage very seriously, but some have tried counseling and take marriage seriously,” explained Hickey, adding that the divorce rate remains at about 50 percent for first marriages, with numbers going up to 75 percent for second marriages resulting from two affairs. “They’re at a point where divorce is their only option. A lot of people come to me struggling with the spiritual side of it.”

Johnson said that most of the people she counsels have struggled with regret or remorse over their choices.

“They feel guilty or are angry with God because this actually happened or because of the deep pain they’ve suffered,” Johnson said. “Jesus modeled forgiveness very well. God asks us to forgive people because it frees us.”

“But forgiveness doesn’t mean it’s OK,” Storie added.

Into the discussion, the lines don’t seem to get any clearer with each topic; they remain fuzzy.

“Just look at how divorce is seen today,” explained Hickey. “Think about how it was viewed in the 1950s and 1960s. It’s much more accepted today. You can get a divorce much more readily today.

“I think the lines have blurred as to how accepted it is,” Hickey added.

“My belief is the wedding is the starting point,” explained Sloan, who is also a certified marriage and family coach who often delves into these topics as part of his Sunday sermons. “That is the point by which a father says to another male, ‘I have given life to this girl and I have protected her; now it’s your job.’”

And it wasn’t dating that prepares most people for married life, according to Sloan.

“Parenting prepares you for married life, not dating,” said Sloan, who has two sons, ages 16 and 11. “The Bible says train up a child in the way they should go and they will not depart from it. If you don’t train them, how are they gonna go?”

“We have a saying in our house — we’re raising adults in our home, rather than raising kids in our house,” Storie said.

Sloan will explore these gray topics and more in his upcoming marriage series, “Too Many Shades of Gray,” which will be held during regular services at 9:30 a.m. and 11 a.m Sundays throughout January at Harvest Time, 3100 Briar Cliff Ave.

“Couples that are successful tend to have hobbies and humor in common, something they can do together,” Storie said. “Couples that laugh tend to enjoy each other’s company better.”

“Whew!” Sloan said, as he and his wife chuckled.

Fast Facts

Wash That Gray Right Out of Your Marriage

What: Too Many Shades of Gray marriage series

When: 9:30 a.m. and 11 a.m. Sundays in January, Jan. 6, 13, 20 and 27

Where: Harvest Time, 3100 Briar Cliff Ave.

Why: The Rev. Marty Sloan will talk about the gray areas when it comes to love and relationships for those who are married, dating or wanting to be involved in a relationship.