Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

MY MOTHER had a wonderful way of summing up small truths with bang-on accuracy. It was she, the mother of three boys and two girls, who noted simply that "boys are boys, and girls are manipulators."

That girls and women can be petty, mean, backstabbing, vindictive, and jealous is not news to any female who has survived the seventh grade. But it seems to be big news in the popular culture (really, don't baby boomers discover everything?) where the subject of "Mean Girls" has recently been the focus of lengthy articles in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the stuff of tabloid talk shows.

It comes down to this, a disillusioned Chesler seems to lament: In spire of all the wonderful, generous goodness which "should" inherently be found in the Sisterhood--as opposed to the brutish "brotherhood of man"--the fact is women can be real bitches.

Chesler worked on the book for decades. It shows. The too-long tome is full of angst-ridden anecdotes, stories, and all kinds of case histories of the little-defined group that Chesler interviewed for the book, women generally bemoaning how other women have betrayed them.

Chesler herself says she's been the victim of such treachery many times. She describes students who have been ungrateful, feminist compatriots who've stolen her ideas, and most of all her mother. Talk about too much information. Ouch. (Chesler's view seems to be that all mother/daughter and biological sister relationships are doomed from the start.) One can't help feeling that the book may have been written to settle more than a few old scores.

Chesler looks at everything from ancient mythology to today's middle school, from the animal kingdom to the modern workplace, and finds that women tend to resemble Cinderella's stepsisters a lot mote than they do Cinderella.

One woman named Elsa recounts, "My best friend was a divorced woman who could nor have children. I refused to discriminate against her because she was a divorced woman. In retrospect, I should have shunned her the way the other married women did. My friend not only made off with my husband. What was worse was her systematic campaign to become my son's mother."

Another woman has a similar tale. "I became friendly with a woman in our new neighborhood.... I confided in her and considered her a best friend. Guess what? About a year into our friendship she had begun having an affair with my husband."

FORTUNATELY FOR us, women's betrayal isn't always so complete. Still, Chesler writes that even young girls "learn that a safe way to attack someone else is behind her back, so that she will not know who is responsible. This tracks girls and women into lives of chronic gossip and rumor mongering.... Girls may use social manipulation to dominate or express anger because they have learned to do this from their female role models: adult women.

And watch out for those adult women. If they aren't stealing husbands, they're stealing the top spots in the business world. Unless there is a lot of room for women in key positions, says Chesler, the knives will be out.

(For Chesler, the biggest outrage seems to be women who don't believe another woman's story of sexual harassment or discrimination on the job, though it should hardly be a news flash that such accusations shouldn't be believed unless and until they are proven.)

Throughout the book, Chesler maintains an air of sad incredulity that women can be, in their own duplicitous, manipulative way, really nasty--just like men. Remember Lord of the Flies?

Sigh. Weren't we supposed to be so much better than "them"?

But of course we aren't "better. Women are different from men, and different from each other. We're also fully human, which makes us just as capable of sin in all its amazing manifestations as our brutish brothers.

Chesler appears conflicted about this truth, to which she grudgingly pays lip service, while looking for other "reasons" for women's inhumanity to women. Maybe it's that we live under an oppressive male culture, so we've learned to oppress others. Maybe it's that there are only a few "top" spots for women, whether in the workplace or in a culture that values youth and beauty too much, so we're always looking to knock off or knock down the competition. But maybe it really is just that women are real people after all.

Where Chesler's work proves valuable is that first, this is a well-known feminist pointing out the very inconvenient truth that the Sisterhood can be pretty bloody. Further, interspersed between the scenes of tortured betrayal and anecdotes that seemed mined from group therapy sessions centered around singing, sharing, and emotionalism, Chesler includes some really interesting data about how women typically relate to each other.

And a lot of it isn't pretty. For instance, "According to University of California anthropologist Victoria Burbank," writes Chesler, "women mainly target other women for aggression. They did so in 91 percent of the 137 societies Burbank surveyed...." In other words, the message to husband-stealers is this: It's generally the other woman, not the husband, who will bear the brunt of the scorned wife's wrath.

The Ow in my case has made having long term affairs with married men her life's hobby....she's been at this behavior for over 30 years...what drives a married woman to continue to pursue other women's husbands..rather than divorcing..and pursuing available men...the chase? the competetion? the jealousy? the need for attention and feeling special that she had won him away from someone? I will try to get the book. Thanks.

my stbx ow had a converstion with me.He cheated with her whilst i was pregnant.He wasnt sleeping with me aparently.Hey witch how the hell do you think it got there.there is no star above my house.Then she said the only hold i had was the kids and she would be prgnant sooon and she didnt care about me or my kids.This is the nice compassionate caring woman he left me for.My anger is fixed 50/50 with both of them.But what kind of a woman cheets with a man whose wife is pregnant and phoned her on the day the baby was born to tell her he had a little girl.Now thats just CRAZY

I know, I wonered the same things ladies. I didn't quite interpret as the wives inumanity, but the OW's inhunaniity to US. I think it is a power trip for some of the OW, to know they got a married man to turn his head, like that makes them hot s___.
She does mention how the wife gets more angry with the OW, which this is an issue I struggled with. But lets face it ladies, we are some catty bitches. You pissed on my fire hydrant, the claws are coming out!
Besides the whole cheating factor....
Why are we like this to one another?
*BUMP*

Oh, I know that &quot;he&quot; should have known better, but, she had been told there was some problems with us and she pursed him, texted him asked him out, 10-4 him knowing he was home (they had not slept together yet) He wouldn't show up, she continued to stroke his ego, knew what to say, and even used the kids to have contact with him. She helped with the put downs, said how much she hated me, got the kids to say the same,(they do they do, none of my business what they think of me) Send him messages &quot;are you horney&quot; &quot;Where are you&quot; and she knew about me!! He told me that I shouldn't blame her to much because he was the one that did go over there and drank with her, knowing what would happen. They were married once, have kids together, now have a grandchild together, she knew what to say. I have put up with her BS, for years. Only I don't say things behind ones back. I'll say it to you first. That is one of the problems he had with our marriage, I was to outspoken, and honest. I scard his ex's, and they felt uncomfortable when around me. He has now realized maybe there was a reason for that, and I seen the lightbulb go off. She would talk to me about when he cheated on her, when her bf at the time now h cheated. She even said, how would (bf) like it if I did sleep with (h) when he came back to ON. Ahh, lying bitch YOU DID. So, my H wishes that nothing will be done to her, but, i promised him nothing around the kids, I will not do that, but I have 9 years bottled up because of who she was. Catty or not, she should learn to keep her mouth shut (she likes to threaten people behind there backs but runs if she see's you coming)

Also, MANY years ago, when I was at work, my h slept with someone who came over for a min. For reasons I won't disclose here, she slept with him, because he said to (trust me, don't need to tell) I knew her, and suspected something. A year later he told me he slept with her. Used her, I was hurt. I think he told me because she was apart of a group we were joining) When she seen me she came up to me an said &quot;Hi remember me, I use to come over to your house&quot;(I do believe she didnt' know I was his wife at the time it happened only because my mother in law said Paul's wife Lisa an she said in away &quot;YOUR MARRIED&quot;) I said to her, yes I remember you and I know you f*cked my husband&quot; He face went white, thought she was dead, but because of where we were, that I suspected she didn't know, and the reason she did, I took her face in my hands, told her it was ok, that I understood why, and as long as she got better, it would be ok. I said how hurt I was about it, but it wasn't her pain to own, it was his&quot; I have to say, that with that situation I thank god it turned out that way because out of everyone, SHE is the one who helped me, she helped me grow, and learn things about myself. If you don't know about me at the time, you are safe, know I about me, and Look out!! I've been this way since day one with cheating. My H XW/OW is not going to be so lucky. This is just the final straw. Even if I decide I don't want to work it out with H, doesn't matter.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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