The National Instutes of Health said today they will no longer give any grants for medical research on chimpanzees. No more monkey business! I said, no more monkey business! [Applause]

Should new wind energy projects in America have mandatory bird safety standards? Good question. Now here's a question for you: Are you a bird? If so, are you a parrot? If so, is that how you learned to talk and ask questions? That's my "hypothesis." "Science fair first prize: the one about the birds, that you're reading right now." We all have dreams, even parrots.

"Sixteen percent of the species associated with characters in 'Finding Nemo' that have been evaluated face the threat of extinction." Sometimes you just have to laugh.

A tantalizing new clue in the evolutionary theory linking dinosaurs and birds, as researchers now believe that predatory dinosaurs like velociraptors used their dreaded toe claw in the same way that modern birds of prey do: To open the door when you tried to run and hide in the kitchen of Jurassic Park and walk down the aisles all "Click, click" sounding, coming to eat you. Or will they?

Uhhh bad news there, chief. Your big plan to end the acidification of the world's oceans by dumping vast amounts of alkali in them? Uhh no sorry, not gonna work there, soldier. Unless you have trillions of dollars. Uhhh pretty sure you don't. Real good effort though, champ. I mean that.

How would you like to eat a delicious fresh roasted lemur? You wouldn't? Oh... well, ah, good. That there is chicken.