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It’s been said that an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. This will not show every reason or cure for abuse, I only hope to offer a pound of prevention for those who have or may suffer from abuse at the hands of a so called loved one.

If you’ve dated more than one person in your life, you know by now that everyone has at least two sides to them. The one they introduce you to and the one they actually are. This in and of itself is not a bad thing as we all would like someone that we’re interested in to see the best side of us. But how can we see the end from the beginning? It requires understanding yourself first! The type of person that you are determines the type of people that are attracted to you. Even the most beautiful girl with a rotten attitude will turn off most guys and conversely a not so attractive woman with a pleasant attitude increases her chances of finding a qualified mate. Most controlling men (Physicals) are not attracted to bossy (Physical) women for relationship purposes. It does happen but the relationship normally doesn’t last very long…typically due to violence.

So, in the dating game here’s how to identify a potential abuser. Someone that is ‘extremely’ nice to you and says all of the right things, calls every hour on the hour to shower you with compliments should be your first warning sign. Someone that is extremely nice on one side can be extremely dangerous on the other. If this person is a drinker and they most likely are, this is another indicator. If you were busy and couldn’t answer your phone when they called and they seem to be unreasonably disturbed by this, this is another indicator. All of these are the characteristics of an ‘extreme’ Physical. Stop making excuses for them and tricking yourself into believing that they do this because you’re so fine. This is a control mechanism that shows itself as flattery…at first.

Emotionals can be abusive as well. Here is how the Emotional becomes this way. They’re normally in a relationship with a Physical (male or female) and the Physical is not as tactful when expressing their feelings about an issue they’re having with their mate. The Emotional is notorious for taking things the wrong way so it makes a bad situation worse when they’re actually right about what’s being said to them. Physicals ‘can’ be very degrading and insensitive without even being in an argument. But when they are in a heated argument it can get even worse. They will get as close to you as possible, yell, scream, bite, kick, punch and will use any other physical means of getting their point across available. The Emotional typically doesn’t respond right away to this behavior but instead is keeping track of all of the incidents and name calling along the way. After internalizing these feelings for so long, one day the Physical may ask a simple question and a nuclear explosion results. The Emotional is extremely dangerous in this situation because they’ll let out all of the frustration that they’ve been holding in since it first begin. They even feel justified by doing so because they feel that they’ve given the Physical enough warnings to change their behavior but they continued to badger them. Please remember that silence is not an indication of being a coward.

Drugs and alcohol also play an extreme role in these situations. alcohol makes a person more of a Physical than normal; look at the behavior of a person who’s had too much to drink. They become loud and obnoxious, they keep touching all over you, they’re extremely happy or sad and their tempers are on display at the first sign of trouble. This is why there are so many fights in bar environments. Marijuana has more of an Emotional effect on behavior. Let’s look at what happens when a person smokes. They become very lazy, they put everything off until the next day, they analyze the sun, the moon, the lights, the wall, how they breathe and so on. Everything to them is happening in a slower motion, they even talk slower.

Abuse is wrong no matter who’s administering it, male or female, physical or verbal. It’s probably too much to ask for people to seek help with controlling their emotions so I’m only trying to give you a heads up on how to identify potential hazards. If you notice any of these extreme characteristics in someone that you’re interested in…run! They don’t get better, they only get worse especially if you’ve already allowed it to happen once.

Just as a side note, ‘extreme’ Physicals are the stalker type. If you tell them no, they come on even stronger…’because they love you so much’. Don’t fall for the I’m sorries and it won’t happen agains. It’s not that people don’t change, it’s just that they normally can not change without getting professional help.

This topic is deeply rooted in cultural and religious acumen. The majority of society lives by the rule that the man is the head and this practice has guided us along our merry way for eons; but let’s put this idea through the physical (extrovert) emotional (introvert) test and see how it fares.

First let’s examine the ‘head’. Inside of our heads rest a brain (for most of us), this brain consists of two individual and unique sides. Without going through a course on neurology, let’s just say that one side is analytical and the other is creative. Both sides of the brain mostly control the complete opposite side of the body. So, it’s nearly impossible to operate with only one side of the brain functioning. One side of the brain plays a more dominant role, but if ever forced to take on the role of the other side couldn’t function even in its own duties as well as it could with the other side present. When both sides are fully operational the brain has a better chance of working to its full potential.

Now, how did it come to be that one person is named the head no matter what? Size… if I’m bigger than you or have a bigger gun so to speak, then what I say is the law. Let me give you an example of how allowing status to decide a leader is a bad example…. North Korea and many others as well but that’s just the one at the top of my head. Just because someone fits the ‘profile’ doesn’t mean they’re right for the position. It’s like having a police car with all the flashing lights but it has a Pinto engine, or an easter egg with nothing inside or…well, you get the picture. I’ve also heard it said that the man is the head because he’s more in control of his emotions and makes more logical decisions….really? We should be more focused on what the harvest of our relationships will bring not who gets to tell whom to plant the seeds.

How do the physical and emotional traits fit into this equation. Ok let’s say the woman in the relationship is the physical (extrovert) and her husband is an emotional (introvert). Well the wife is going to be more outspoken than the husband giving the appearance that she’s in charge or ‘the head’ . This will cause immediate problems for said husband because now he’s ‘less of a man’ because he doesn’t ‘rule’ his house. The wife is only being herself and will find herself not being herself if she has to ‘bow down’ to this less of a man. This leads to the feeling of being trapped or imposed on by an outside force and causes more of an acting out in the relationship; now each person has something to prove to the other… or so they think. The marriage is doomed for failure before it even gets started good…

Let’s say it’s a physical husband and an emotional wife. The physical male is normally bossy, short-tempered and spontaneous all at the same time. The emotional wife is the analytical one, she likes to think things alllll the way through before making a move… if she ever makes one. So, the balance that can be obtained in this relationship is never realized because the husband will ‘typically’ not listen to the wife in important matters. She takes to long to say it or she’s so ‘sensitive’ she makes more of things than they actually are and she’s always nagging. Physicals based on their need to express everything they feel ‘physically’ are normally not very astute with their finances. As I’ve said before they’re as good at spending money as they are making it. The lucky ones find a way to make more than they could possibly spend…then they lose their minds! lol

So, who should be the head in these scenarios? I’ll give you a hint… it’s just like our brains. Both sides/heads are contained in the head/house for balance and it’s not until both sides are working together properly as ONE head that the relationship can function and grow to its full potential!

I know this may sound a little weird to ask but, let me explain why I do. Recently I conducted a survey of clients I see periodically and found that around six out of ten of these clients had been abused or molested as a child…….six out of ten! Now this is obviously not a national or official report but still worth noting. For me, I’ve been in a state of shock to find it so common in our society. I guarantee that you know someone that has been abused or that has abused.

It’s said that not all that have been abused turn out to become abusers but those that do abuse have most likely been abused. I’ve written about this before but it just won’t go away. The scary part about it is that most that have been abused are too afraid or embarrassed to talk about it, so that means that there are tons more that go unaccounted for. It really breaks my heart into pieces to imagine anyone having to experience such atrocities. This behavior is akin to a virus, once you’re infected, you’ll most likely infect someone else too.

Even for those that are able to maintain a somewhat normal existence, it becomes a burden on any relationship they have; friends, family. The people around them just think the person is crazy or is just like that but that’s not always the case. The person even believes that this is just their normal behavior and everyone should stop being so sensitive. I heard recently that a reality t.v. actress had a mild heart attack and was rushed to the hospital clinging to life. This same actress revealed that she’d been taken advantage of at an early age and was just beginning to seek counsel for it. I don’t that the heart attack was related to this, I was just trying to give you an idea which actress I’m referring to. I bring her up because if you see the way she communicates with everyone on the show you’ll see that she seems to be a very angry person. Once she revealed her past it all made sense, she taking out the rage she had towards her offender on everyone around her. How many relationships or friendships do you think were ruined throughout her lifetime because of this. When someone abuses a child they affect more than just that child, they affect an entire generation.

Thankfully there is an antidote. Talk about it! Talking about it exposes the person doing it… they need help and so do you. If you’ve experienced abuse in your past, please seek counsel as soon as you can, it will release you of a burden you were unjustly given to carry.

Don’t be alarmed, you’re just dealing with an emotional (introvert). Emotionals are not sociable people. You should schedule 2 times a month at least, that you both agree on, to have a date night. Plan to go by yourself if you need to go out more than that or have friends over. To force a social life on an emotional is complete torture for them… that’s what they have you for.

He goes out too much

This guy is a physical (extrovert). They must, must get out and socialize. They were made to move and shake. He probably has a lot of friends and is always on the phone setting up the next rendezvous. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that he’s out cheating (doesn’t mean that he’s not either) just that him wanting to go out all the time is not ‘the’ indicator of cheating. You should get out as well with or without him. As long as he knows that you’re going to be there waiting when he gets back….why would he change anything?

He never compliments me

This is typical emotional behavior (introvert). He thinks as long as he’s not complaining that you should know that everything’s all good. This can be solved by simply expressing to him that you love it when he compliments you… (say it in a sexy voice.) Encourage the behavior that you’d like to see in him and with a little patience you’ll begin to see the change.

He’s a liar and a cheater

Leave!

All he talks about is work

This is also a common trait of the emotional suggestible. Again, don’t take it personally, this is just how they were made. If you’d like him to talk more about family/relationship… talk to him about how what he’s doing on his job helps in the home. Encourage him to get involved with things in the home. When this is done without negative emotions, the result will be most pleasing. By the way it doesn’t happen over night, but what does?

He doesn’t talk to me at all

This too is the emotional. Emotionals have to be coaxed out of their shells to be more interactive. This is still easily overcome. Try not talking so much yourself (I mean that in the most positive sense.) If you’d like to change a person’s behavior…become it. The less you talk the more he’ll inquire what’s wrong… there’s your opening. Tell him that you find his voice sexy and you wish he’d use it more…

He’s financially irresponsible

This is typically physical (extrovert) behavior. Physicals respond ‘physically’ to whatever they’re feeling emotionally, therefore if a new car is going to make them ‘feel’ good, they’re going to buy it…and they can’t stop! They are normally the go getters so they will constantly have money but its only to spend on the next emotional trip. So, you have a few choices here. Try to convince him that you should handle the finances… that’s a hard sell I know. So, if that’s not an option tell him that he needs financial counseling before you end up in bankruptcy and trust me you will. Lastly, if those tactics don’t work there’s no hope so you can live with it and prepare to live a life of financial ups and downs or… you can leave.

He’s a Momma’s boy

This means that his mom is probably a physical. Physical women are very…very attentive to their children…for their entire lives. It comes from a good place but can sometimes cause problems in a relationship. The funny thing about it is that if she’s a physical you’re likely one too. This is just a case of the same personalities trying to occupy the same space at the same time. The fix to this is, try to give them their time (without jealousy) that as a man his first priority is his immediate family. It’s a harsh thing to say but his mom has already done her job and should be (by this point) a side dish…not the main course. If this doesn’t work, become him for bit (spend more time with the kids or your parents) just to prove the point then go back to being yourself.

He doesn’t like to ‘do it’ as much as I do

This is an emotional trait. Emotionals operate on cycles. They need to recuperate before doing it again. If you sit back and let him make the move you’ll get an idea of the type of cycle he’s on. So, if it’s a five-day cycle, the next week do it a day earlier and do this for a while then do it a day earlier. You’ll need a little patience with this because you’re retraining him to get on your schedule. It’s all mental and it is all learned behavior… change it.

He wants to do it too much

This is physical behavior. Remember whatever is felt internally is going to expressed externally. They don’t like foreplay they just want to get in and get out. foreplay requires time, thinking and emotions…not their strong area. So, your task is a huge one but still fixable. You must first get rid of your own emotions for a bit. Even if you don’t want to do it, start making the moves on him without the forplay…they’re normally uneasy with this because it takes away the control of the situation. Most likely they’ll turn you down…now you have them in an ’emotional’ state take advantage of it. Tell him this is how you feel when he does it to you.

Also, read the earlier posts on the Physical vs. Emotional so this will make more sense. I hope this helps a little. There’s no magic cure for any situation but taking this approach allows you more control of yourself (stress) and ultimately your situation.