Vince Cable told me Chancellors can park anywhere, insists Osborne

George Osborne has defended his right to park wherever the hell he likes, explaining to reporters that Vince Cable told him this was true shortly after he got the job ahead of him.

Despite heavy criticism for parking in bays marked for disabled use only, Osborne insisted this was one of the benefits of being mates with the prime minister.

Osborne told reporters, “I distinctly remember Vince and I having this conversation, where he congratulated me on the role with a handshake so firm it actually bruised me.”

“Then he went on to tell me all the extra benefits I now had as Chancellor, including the ‘park wherever you like’ thing, and telling me to stand my ground if someone asked me to move.”

“Apparently I can’t shoplift either, as the chancellor technically owns everything already, so I’ll be sure to try this out just as soon as I have to go into one of those wretched ‘shop’ things myself.”

“But I have plenty of people who take care of that for me.”

Osborne uses disabled parking

Vince Cable has spoken of his disappointment that it’s taken three years for people to notice that George Osborne parks wherever the hell he likes.

The Business Secretary told us, “Honestly, I thought someone would have beaten him to death with a walking frame by now, but that bloke must seriously have a couple of dozen lives.”

“But I’m not taking responsibility for any of his policies, I only told him that Chancellors are allowed to eat poor people, not ruin their lives entirely.”