Who says you can’t keep enjoying life in the midst of difficult challenges? Regardless of the catastrophe, when life hands you the proverbial lemon don’t settle for lemonade. Grab yourself some tequila, salt and a blender – then savor your lemon margarita with a smile on your face.

The Adventures of Breast Cancer Girl

On Monday my husband Bill and I were in the grocery store shopping for our camping trip coming up this weekend. We went aisle to aisle looking for things we might need. (Personally I am a list maker and hate shopping without a list, but alas, Bill prefers impromptu shopping.)

Brawny’s breast cancer paper towels – now available at a store near you!

As we cruised down the paper products aisle I said, “Oh, we’ll need paper towels,” then started browsing the brands. I was looking for the cheapest ones, which Bill usually does too, but then he noticed Brawny was selling breast cancer paper towels adorned with the ubiquitous pink ribbon. A promotion of course, to raise funds for the equally ubiquitous Susan G. Komen For the Cure.

“Hey look, breast cancer paper towels,” he said as he pointed them out.

“Oh cool,” I said as I started to grab the pack. Then I paused, turned to him and joked, “Is this who I am now? For the rest of my life am I going to be ‘Breast Cancer Girl’?”

“I think you pretty much settled that when you started your Lemon Margaritas blog,” he smiled.

It was a playful question, but I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately. Cancer is one of those things that comes into your life and then completely turns it upside down. One day you’re plugging along, status quo, and the next day you suddenly find yourself immersed in a new world – the world of cancer.

My life became all about appointments, needle sticks, lab reports I couldn’t read, tough decisions, and learning as much about cancer as I could. Then once the tough decisions were made my life became surgery, chemo, biologic therapy, more appointments and laying on the couch a lot feeling miserable. Oh yeah, and the blood clot. I hated that thing.

Then, all of a sudden, the whirlwind stopped. My life became strangely quiet, save for a few appointments every 3-months. Friends stopped writing and calling to see how I was doing and they went on with their lives; time for me to get on with my life too. After all, I’m better now, cancer is over. Whew, right? Yet I’m left feeling stunned and confused. What the hell just happened to me?

The madness of Cancer World is behind me but I can’t go back to my Old World, my world before cancer. I’m not the same person anymore, and for now I certainly don’t have the same energy. Old World is simply not an option. While on the one hand it’s exciting to stand on the edge of a New World, it’s also scary. Old World was familiar and routine; Cancer World was structured and hectic. But this New World… it stands before me undefined. It’s like a wide open field with no clear path, and to be honest I feel lost and alone.

The hardest part is that people who haven’t been through it just don’t get it. Not that I blame them, of course. I can’t expect them to know what they don’t know. And in all honesty no one has said anything negative to me. Yet I fear their unspoken thoughts, which in my head sound something like this: Why don’t you just pick up where you left off? Why are you still so preoccupied with this cancer thing? For god’s sake woman, let it go and get on with your life!

But I can’t let it go. Cancer has left a permanent imprint on my life. My life will never be the same.

So who am I now? I could be like Lance Armstrong and embrace my cancer experience to the point that I dedicate the rest of my life to the cause. Or I could be like those quiet souls who internalize the experience and attempt to return to some form of normalcy. Or I could find myself in a million different places in between. At this point I really don’t know where this thing will lead me. All I know is that for now I am Breast Cancer Girl, which kind of sounds like a super hero. Hmmm, I think I like that.