วันพุธที่ 18 กรกฎาคม พ.ศ. 2555

With
Valentine's Day swiftly approaching, some of you in the audience may be
thinking of popping the question to your beloved. Marriage is a
wonderful institution, and your wedding day will probably be the
happiest one of your lives. Unless, of course, you walk down the path of
fail like these 20 couples.
This is nice, right? This is classy. You got "Wifey" airbrushed right
on your ass. Nobody's ever going to look at that ass and think that's a
single ass. And that's what marriage is really about.
We've all been to one of those crappy "destination weddings" where
your aunt who's getting married at 45 to the guy who installed the air
conditioning makes the whole family truck off to some gritty beach
somewhere and all the dudes are just sweating like whoa. So these dudes
were like "No way to the linen suit, bro, it's Nevernudes or nothing."
Also the bride miiiiiight just be a stripper they picked up somewhere.
On the flipside of that, this Russian Goth wedding looks like a cutscene from a Special Olympics Final Fantasy
game. Of all the weddings where the bride chooses not to wear a veil,
this one is the worst. Seriously, chick has like a twelvehead.
I can understand not wearing white. It means you gave it up before
you got hitched, and that's cool. But this? Does this mean you got
gang-banged by Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition? Both of you?
Yes, the groom is taking the bride's garter off with his teeth. But
that's cool, because she opened all of the bottles of champagne with
hers. And yes, I know what you're thinking, but that is actually a
bride. You've heard of Say Yes To The Dress? She said yes to a silver tube top.

It's time for the quasi-famous fail of the evening, as Italian boxer
Clemente Russo decided that the best look for his special day was
something the finest stylists of Milan described to him as "L'Wonderland
Pimp." Seriously, the only thing missing is a jewel-encrusted goblet
and Lil' Jon.
Okay, so what kind of bride gets a cake in her own likeness? There's
so many bizarre Freudian implications to this that it's not even funny.
And the groom's face as he carefully incises his new wife's
frosting-covered crotch? If he didn't know she was crazy before, he sure
as hell knows now.
The traditional wedding cake face smash is usually not performed with
such intensity, but who knows what happened here? Thankfully police
were on the scene in minutes, getting drunk and asking the DJ to play
Achy Breaky Heart.
This is some heavy Euro conceptual steez. "I have a ring." "I have an
apple." "I am huge, but you are small." "I am small, but you are huge."
And then he unhinges his jaw and eats her head.
Come the fudge on. It's the day you're telling the world "Hey, I'm a
classy lady, I'm only gonna get banged by this one dude right here," and
you can't even wear underpants? What was your wedding cake shaped like,
the best man's penis?

Is there somebody on Heroes who can read minds from a photograph or something like that? Because this dude is thinking some sick stuff. Like "unreleased script to Saw VII" stuff.
This is the groom's actual wedding outfit. He didn't change into this
after the vows because his tux chafed, he marched up there in front of
God and everybody and married that woman in a Goddamned camo hunting
jacket. Christ. But then, this dude's God is probably the Bigfoot
monster truck and his Bible is six issues of Hustler duct taped
together, so that's probably cool for him.
Marriage: it's a trap.
I know this picture is probably just a "ha ha, jokey joke, look at
the bride doing a kegstand" and all, but you know what? These dudes
listen to Dave Matthews and probably all have at least one roofie
somewhere on their person, the truth is out there.
Look at these two McNuggets. I expect that they'll have their funeral
at the same Mickey Ds, where their bodies will be submerged into the
fryer while Grimace gives out free milkshakes.

At first I thought "Wow, Riker's gone downhill." And then I thought "Wow, Troi's gone waaaaay downhill." And then I thought "Hell, Elvis actually looks pretty good!"
This is one of those "wacky" pictures that wedding photographers love
to have people do because it subtracts from the boredom of trying to
make geriatric aunts look vaguely human. Either that or this dude is the
Prince of the Mole Kingdom. I've got even odds.
Well, this is nice. We've got a whole damned bulldozer just for us!
Most days, there's like ten or eleven people in the scoop of the
bulldozer!
Like seriously, dude might just as well be wearing a T-shirt that
says "I am marrying you for your enormous, perfect tits." That's barely
even a dress. It's like a pair of pasties with a train attached. I can
only imagine the fitting for that thing. Actually, I imagine it a lot.
Like three or four times a day.
Private Jerry Lerkins returns home from the war on Planet Hambeast
with a captured Hambeast woman as spoils of war to be his bride, as per
the Interplanetary Combat Code. Wait... we lost that war! Oh, God!