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Author
Topic: In person or over the phone? (Read 8256 times)

I'm posting this here because it's something that has been rattling my brain for almost a week.

Last weekend I met this guy at a weekend bike party. That sat. night he invited me to another party over Labor day weekend. Yes I woke up in his tent sunday morning, no nothing happened, ( I figured nosy minds wanted to know). I didn't tell him about AIDS because I figured I wouldn't' be seeing or hearing from him. There was a lot of alcohol and I just don't believe a guy when they say they will call or see you again when they are drunk.

Well guy called Monday and have talked to him every day this week I did get another invite from him to the party again and also one to Wildwood bike week .

Problem is I won't be seeing him until we hook up next weekend when we go to the party. So now it's obvious I have to tell him about AIDS but not sure if I should tell him in person or when we are talking on phone. My mom thinks it would be best to wait and tell him in person, she said it's too personal for a phone conversation.

What do you guys think?

For now he is just a new guy in my life but would not mind if he became boyfriend.

Michelle

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How to handle stress like a dog:If you can't eat it or play with it.....then pee on it and walk away

If you are having daily friendly phone conversations, I don't see the problem telling him on the phone in a friendly way. Also, if by some bad luck he rejects you, would you prefer it to be over the phone, before the weekend, or during the weekend. That would be my consideration. Where do I want to deal with the reaction.

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Michelle, I would prefer to tell him in person. Face to face communication lets you both see each other's facial expression and body language, which I think are very important to a discussion such as this. You seem to be very comfortable about your status and this would be communicated to him in your body language. I find this to be very important (how I feel about my hiv) when disclosing.

If at all possible, try to get together with him before the party. Maybe you could get together for a coffee or some other short time frame situation. Good luck hun, it sounds like you've clicked with each other.

BTW, you posted this in the Mental Health forum, but you'll get more responses in the Living forum so I moved it for you.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Complete ditto with Ann. And, having done this a couple of times, it is quite interesting to see the compassion factor (or not) emerge. Because AIDS is such a super-charged acronym, I'd use HIV when explaining. Most people don't know the distinction and AIDS, to some-- perhaps a man who would go the distance with you---means ill, death is imminent, etc.

Michelle, I agree with telling him in person. Over the phone seems too impersonal. At least I'd rather do it in person. That way I can explain if a person would have questions, and I can see how they're feeling about it. Good luck!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Michelle, I suggest telling him in person, especially if he is someone you think you could become serious about. I think it really matters, the tone we set with those closest to us and sharing major news, whenever possible, must be done personally. I was dating a great guy, when I found out I was poz. I really liked him and I knew he was negative. I was so afraid of being hurt, but I knew that if he was the guy for me, there would be nothing I could tell him that would change that fact. I drove over to his house and told him the news. His first words were "I don't think either of us should be alone tonight." We had a wonderful four years together and part of the bond we created, came from the time I told him I was poz.

It would be important to me, to do this personally, because no matter what the eventual outcome, if I really feel something for someone, then I could never do any less. Affairs of the heart are intimate and require closeness, both emotionally and physically.

In person!!! It's because I am good at reading one's expression , on the phone, I can't do that. Again, I could also see why would you even bring it up, for that, follow your intuition. Good luck sweetie!!

Secondly my two cents says do it over the phone. I don't know if a party where alcohol and little privacy is probably the norm is a place to have a serious convo like this. I am also chicken shit and never told a guy face to face about my status. I guess I always worried about rejection pre-hiv and now it's no different.

Secondly my two cents says do it over the phone. I don't know if a party where alcohol and little privacy is probably the norm is a place to have a serious convo like this. I am also chicken shit and never told a guy face to face about my status. I guess I always worried about rejection pre-hiv and now it's no different.

Gurl, hell to the naw. This is the sort of thing that, when addressed, needs to be done in person. Over the phone shows the same interest and bravery as doing it via text, email, or a post-it note

Michelle, you're a tough chick. I say go for it in person. At least you get to see and get a really good feel as to how he is taking the news.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I'm going to tell him person, I think it's more personal also. I'm not keen on texting and check my e-mail about once a month. I'm on facebook more then email.

@ Wolfter-- The main reason of not being able to get together before the party is his work schedule. We live about an hour apart, the party is half way between us.@numbersguy--- More then likely I will meet him at his place and he will be told before we leave. If I have to meet him at the party then I will tell him before Ketal One starts. Either way my car will be with me just in case I go home. It's a horse farm, lots of places to go for privacy. @Emeraldize-- I usually say HIV first anyhows until I know them.My brother said maybe he has something and will say "by the way I have.. (pick something) " and then the door would be open for me. Judging from new guys background that is a very good possibility.

There is something ironic here. 4 months ago I disclosed to a guy I wanted to date, he is so paranoid about my AIDS that he decided we could never have a relationship but we have turned into good friends. He is the one who invited me to party #1. He was a little upset( i think he's jealous) that new guy invited me to next party, but then said if the "moron brain" turns you down you are more then welcome to camp out with me.

If all goes well on saturday then new guy will have a name. With any luck there will be no earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, volcanoes, mud slides, meteorites or any other stupid weather stuff.

I also have my list of web sites to give him if he asks questions and I don't know the answers. Yes Poz is at top of list.

Michelle

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How to handle stress like a dog:If you can't eat it or play with it.....then pee on it and walk away

There's a young man I met indirectly related to work, 25 years my junior and he's wanted to date, seriously date, for nearly two years. We have infrequent contact, periodic phone calls and I try to be a friend to him - - a sisterly, fruity friend.

We had coffee last Saturday and again, his argument every time I'd ever said we have tooooo many years between us was always -- " but age is just a number". I said " nope, it's not... I dated someone 25 years my senior and I learned a few things from that." He was adorably relentless.

I felt the show-stoppin', game-changin' card was likely going to be my status, and I shared it with him. He was slack-jawed and sweet all at the same time. It was actually endearing and now, I think we're going to be friends.

Heck, everyone needs a young friend now and again, just as everyone needs an old(er) friend now and again. I will continue to hold out for someone closer to my age.

Silly cow -- you should slip him a note on lined composition notebook paper that says:

I HAVE AIDS. I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME?

YES

NO

(CHECK YES)

I actually tried this one out while at Subway last week... I scribbled it on the back of a napkin... I'm not gonna tell you to bust out your wash-N-wear bridesmaids dresses just yet, but I think its headed in that direction!

Michelle- I think telling him beforehand sounds perfect. I don't want him or you to feel held hostage by the situation be it good or bad. Good luck!!!

There's a young man I met indirectly related to work, 25 years my junior and he's wanted to date, seriously date, for nearly two years. We have infrequent contact, periodic phone calls and I try to be a friend to him - - a sisterly, fruity friend.

We had coffee last Saturday and again, his argument every time I'd ever said we have tooooo many years between us was always -- " but age is just a number". I said " nope, it's not... I dated someone 25 years my senior and I learned a few things from that." He was adorably relentless.

I felt the show-stoppin', game-changin' card was likely going to be my status, and I shared it with him. He was slack-jawed and sweet all at the same time. It was actually endearing and now, I think we're going to be friends.

Heck, everyone needs a young friend now and again, just as everyone needs an old(er) friend now and again. I will continue to hold out for someone closer to my age.

Hi Em! He had been following my Seattle related posts on FB and was asking me how it was, who I went with, and so I simply explained that I attended the AMG11 gathering with a group of wonderful folks. He asked what AMG stands for so I clearly told him. Who knows, we may actually see him on the site soon..... when he gets back from Southern Decadence in NOLA.

Em-- To lazy to type out whole name, sorry. When I worked at peanut butter cup land I had some young kid ask me out, he was 20 yrs. then me, while the offer was nice I said no. I told a friend that I didn't want to have to teach some young kid.Michelle

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How to handle stress like a dog:If you can't eat it or play with it.....then pee on it and walk away

@Emeraldize-- it's called Reese's, it's where Hersheys makes pnut butter cups and kit kats. I also worked for a little while at Y&S that is where Twizzlers is made. By the way they are excellent right off the line. Both plants only hire through a temp service. I tried to go back but the guy in charge of the temp hiring said when I was sick in November and in January I was faking so he won't hire me back.

Installment of cupcakes is today. Next installment will probably be Monday, or today if all goes bad. I have a hard time getting onto Poz on my phone, I don't have a fancy cell phone just a plain normal cell phone. I will try though for nosy minds.

Have a great weekend everyone.Michelle

Logged

How to handle stress like a dog:If you can't eat it or play with it.....then pee on it and walk away

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts