Love snot? Read Cooking: Mayhip on Snot

Relatively little was known about acquisition methods of this essential ingredient until the publication of Mr. Mayhip’s definitive 5,000 page book, My Life in Snot (exclusively available to Hoxton Street Monster Supplies customers at the special price of £49.99).

Here we tantalise you with a fascinating extract:

"How to harvest snot at peak condition while still runny and fresh (before it turns brittle and crackly) which, as you will appreciate, is a requirement for many recipes? For a long time we were stumped. But then, gradually, everything started to come together.

We found that the most copious, tender, and flavoursome snot came from human toddlers, who often are able supply an almost constant stream. But how to get it? The thrilling answer was – the Invisible Man.

The Invisible Man works most of the time, of course, under cover. But Mayhip happened to bump into him during the resolution of a scandal in Mayfair and after a lengthy negotiation he agreed to work as our principle supplier, except naturally in times of national crisis. It was an astonishing coup for our marketing team, and the beginning of a great partnership.

He soon perfected a technique: as babies were strapped into their buggies for their afternoon walks, he walked with them and, ready with storage bottles and spoon, he eventually learned how to catch each precious drop as they moved. When his bottles were full, he brought the harvest to our kitchens, where our expert chefs were waiting. We got the snot, the kiddies breathed easier, and the Invisible Man had the satisfaction of giving something back to society. As well as a generous stipend."

This charge helps cover our costs and ensures your purchases support writing workshops for young people at the Ministry of Stories.

Our team of zombie volunteers aims to fulfil orders twice a week and on the outside you can expect delivery within 12 working days of order confirmation, but usually sooner. Unless something truly hideous happens, in which case delays of several centuries are not unlikely.

Returns information

You can return products if:

- You decide within seven days the product isn’t for you. You’ll receive a full refund, including delivery charge, processed within 30 days of return of the unwanted goods. Please send this with the original returns form supplied with your order, emailing us at info@monstersupplies.org to let us know it is on the way. Please look after the product when you have it! Do not burn it, eat it, sit on it, drown it, or in any way cause it harm. We might need to ask for compensation otherwise.

- You don’t agree to a change in our terms and conditions or other policies, or you think the product is faulty. You will need to return the product with its original returns form. We’ll check the product upon receipt and email you regarding your refund. We’ll process it as soon as monstrously possible – definitely within 30 days of us emailing to confirm a refund. You’ll receive the full price of the product and delivery, plus any costs for sending it to us.

Please check the dispatch confirmation to find out more about your statutory right of cancellation. Returning a product doesn’t affect your other statutory rights as a consumer. Nor as a monster.

We try to use the same method to pay you as you used to pay us.

Ministry of stories

Hoxton Street Monster Supplies is run under license from the Ministry of Stories, a volunteering organisation which helps young people with all manner of writing, through free one-to-one mentoring and writing workshops.

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