Let me start off by saying these tales are for the vain and the selfish. It will be for all the assholes, the dickheads, and the women degrading egomaniacs to enjoy. And of course, for the ladies that want to know what men really think of them... the same women who will end up strongly considering becoming lesbians.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

True Love

It happened just a few weeks ago. I found the one thing millions of people search for their whole lives; I found true love. It was a regular day, mid week, and I had just gotten out of bed. Once again I had a late night at the pub, so I stumbled down the hallway and made it to the bathroom. After throwing up the demons and having a shower my stomach was ready to take in some food. I made myself a pot of coffee, with a touch of Baileys, and by a touch I mean at least half the pot. I cooked up some eggs but I didn’t even bother eating them. After I finished the coffee mixed with glory I was late for work, but I was feeling good. And that’s what it’s all about, right, feeling good? Fuck off. Once I found my car keys I was on the road. With a lit cigarette, some classic rock, and the sun shining I was in paradise. Too bad I was heading to work. Most days while driving to work I would try to come up with a plan to softly crash my car, leaving my body unharmed but the car damaged enough that I wouldn’t be able to go into work. This day was different. I had a date setup that night at 8 o'clock with a girl I had been seeing for a few months. I could tell she wanted to make it official but I hadn't been ready until that very day. I thought to myself, "This is it. Today I'm going to do it. I'll make it official, right after I finish a bottle of rum."

I managed to make it through the day at work; only god knows how. There's so many sharp objects and heavy blunt weapons at the warehouse I work at I'm surprised to make it home every night. Everyday the exacto knife gets just a little bit closer to my wrist when Im cutting open a box. Help me. Anyways, on the way home I picked up a pizza to get that marinara flowing through my Italian blood and then I stopped at the liquor store by my house. As soon as I walked through the main entrance I felt a rush of ecstacy come over me. I thought to myself, "If this isn't heaven, I dont know what is." I headed straight to the rum aisle. The second I got there my eyes were locked on a bottle of Cruzan. I almost fainted just staring at it. I picked it up immediately, paid for it and left. The first thing I did when I got home was pour a rum and coke-half and half-and sat down. For that moment, and that moment only, I was a king. I heard the phone ring a few times as I was finishing my drink but I was in no mood to answer it. I checked the caller ID to find it was-Richelle-the girl I had been seeing. I called her back and we confirmed our plans were still set for 8pm. I hungup, poured another glass, and watched the sun set.

By the time 8pm rolled around I had consumed over half the bottle. I began hoping Richelle wouldnt even show up just so I could sit in peace, finish my rum, and not have to talk to anybody. I enjoyed solitude. Sure enough, just as that thought passed, the doorbell rang. "Richelle! Hows it going?" "Oh you know, just a little tired from work," she said. "Don't you work as a hostess...?" "What does that mean? Im not allowed to be tired? Its not as easy as you think." "Oh no, of course not. I didnt mean it like that. I know a hostess has to go through excruciating physical exercises and mind blowing tests to be qualified for the job." "You're such an asshole, Nick. Are you drunk?" "Am I ever sober? I asked." "I dont think I can do this anymore," she said. "Do what?" "Everytime I comeover you're either getting drunk, already drunk, or wanting to get drunk. I feel like I have to compete with a bottle of fucking alcohol!" "Nobody can compete with my rum, baby." "See what I mean!" "Just calm down, darling. Have a glass of rum." "No! Unlike you, I dont need alcohol to relax." "How about a Xanax?" "You're a child! Im leaving. Call me if you decide to grow up." She walked out the front and slammed the door. Thank god that was over, I thought. I sat back down on the couch and lit a cigarette. As I watched her car drive down the street I felt an enormous amount of relief. I picked up the half bottle of Cruzan, "Looks like its just you and me, buddy." After taking the cap off I tilted my head back and let the rum flow into my mouth like Niagra Falls. It was glorious. I had a long pull, put the bottle down in front of me, and stared at it. "What would you say if I told you I just found true love?" Realizing I was talking to a bottle of alcohol, I quickly snapped out of it. Now, I thought, where did I put that Xanax?