Go Fuck Yourselfies

This is hard for me to write because I have such a love-hate relationship with selfies. I personally am not someone who would ever take or post a photo I took of myself. It just seems so awkward and I could never and would never pull that sort of thing off. Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather have OTHER people take photos of me. On the contrary, I live and breathe for other peoples selfies. Like LOVE it. Don’t stop. It’s 98% of the reason I have an Instagram account (@JackieSchimmel) Based on my extensive research, there are 3 components to a solid selfie …

The Duck-face – Who even started this? I blame Kim Kardashian. I get the duck face gives you instant cheekbones but so does properly applied bronzer.

The Elbow Crop- I always analyze the intent of a selfie based on the elbow cropping. Are they trying to pretend someone else took it by cropping the extended arm? Or are they balls to the wall giving said arm major camera time? Was this a spur of the moment selfie or pre-meditated? Something to think about.

The Caption – My personal favorite. I love captions like “Life is not about how many breathes you take, but about the moments that take your breath away.”….Okay? How is that relevant to this photo you have taken of yourself? Should my breath be taken away? I don’t get it? My head hurts.

And then there is the bonus component… the setting. My personal favorite selfie setting is in the bathroom. How much shame can you load into one photo? Think about it logistically, you just urinated (or other bodily functions), got a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, re-applied your lipgloss and figure “TiMe FoR a PhOto-ShOot!! <3” NO GIRL, NO. And to top it all off, you’re ALONE. Next to a toilet. Under fluorescent lighting. Posing. Then Filtering. Then Posting. Then hashtagging, oy the hashtags. The irony of it all is too much. #secondhandembarassment

There is also the semi-selfie, when you know you look good and then grab any innocent bystander to take a photo with you. The semi-selfie’s purpose is basically to show you looking hot while using another person as a photo prop. (we have all done it) You have seen it a million times, a picture of 2 people one looking like Heidi Klum while the other person is out of focus, cross eyed, foaming at the mouth, half cropped. Solid effort.

The timing in which a selfie is posted is critical. Ladies and gentleman, if you have chosen to take selfie don’t post it at 10pm on a Saturday night. At least put it on the backburner for a Tuesday or something. Letting the public know you are home alone having a solo photo shoot is not a great look. At least have the self-respect to dim the lights, grab a red cup from the kitchen and pretend you are at a party. Back in the day when I would stay home on a Saturday night and a guy called me, I’d immediately turn on the radio as loud as I could along with the television and start speaking loud pretending I couldn’t hear because I was out at a party or bar. Little did the caller know, I was at home in my snuggie with a glass of wine, eating a block of cheese, watching “Father of The Bride”- crying (welcome to my first semester of college) It’s called self-respect folks. I know what a loser I am, but that doesn’t mean I would publicly broadcast that (whoops).

Needless to say, I love a good selfie and encourage the act. Who am I to judge? Just cause I don’t have the chutzpah to pull an Anne Leibowitz on myself doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Tag you or your friends best selfies #hautemesslife for my viewing pleasure.

I’m not a selfie-posting type, but shit girl. You are fucking hilarious. “a picture of 2 people one looking like Heidi Klum while the other person is out of focus, cross eyed, foaming at the mouth, half cropped” made me laugh so hard. Only funny because it’s true.