10 Signs Your Marriage Needs a Shake-Up

Get out of your comfort zone and revive your relationship.

It happens to the best of us: You find you're finishing each other's sentences, you haven't done something new on date night since the Clinton administration, and well, a lot of little things are getting on your nerves. Chances are you're stuck in a rut.

1. You're running on autopilot.
It's easy for long-term relationships to shift into default mode after years of sharing a life. "Our schedules are so crazy that my wife and I find ourselves going through the logistics of each day — picking up the kids, planning dinner — with barely a moment of spontaneity or real connection," says Jeff M., 33. Getting out of that mode requires gently changing your perspective and your routines. "Humans are ritualistic by nature," says Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. "It's about recognizing when your relationship goes into autopilot and refreshing the conditioned dynamic you and your partner have created." Thomas recommends dropping the idea that something needs to change and shifting the focus to what you want to create as a couple. Recognize that the only thing "missing" from your relationship is what you're not bringing to it. So first change your intention, then take action — whether it's going out dancing together or having more intimate moments.

Most Popular

2. That once cute, quirky habit now annoys you.
"I used to think it was adorable that my husband can't match his shirt to his tie, but now I get irritated when we're going out with friends and he looks like he got dressed in the dark," says Anna S., 36. Don't dismiss these feelings, says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. "Feeling sick and tired of a habit is a warning sign that we're sick over something more important that's amiss in the relationship." She recommends — tough as it is — asking yourself exactly what isn't working for you in your marriage (besides his fashion challenges) and then directly communicating that need instead of blaming, criticizing, or nagging out of frustration.

3. You finish each other's sentences.
It sounds sweet, but too much time together can be as detrimental to a marriage as disconnection; it's called codependency. Excessive contact — like texting constantly during the workday or not having enough separate social plans — is likely to stall your relationship. It's all about finding a balance, says Thomas. "If your husband is jealous that you take a weekly Pilates class on your own, that's not healthy." In that situation, she suggests explaining that doing things independently makes you happier with yourself, which makes it easier to be happy in your relationship. "If you don't share your intentions with your partner, they can think that you're leaving them, or that they're not good enough. So communicate your thought process," Thomas adds. And tell him to take that fishing or golf trip with the guys that he's been talking about for months. You'll be more excited to see each other when he gets back.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

4. You get caught in the same cycles.
The longer you've been married, the more entrenched your habits as a couple are — both good and bad. To create new, positive habits, it's essential to break the bad ones before they start. According to Linda Carroll, couples therapist and author of Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love, research has shown that women most fear disconnection in relationships, while men are most afraid of criticism. "If I come into a room where my husband is reading the paper and try to talk while he's preoccupied, it pushes my anxiety button, which makes me try harder to connect, makes him feel invaded and criticized, and he withdraws," says Carrol. "Then I feel abandoned, and attack him with something like 'Why are you mad?' To work with this, we need to make the counterintuitive move: Realize neither is wrong and find a respectful way to manage the differences." This will help interrupt any long-running cycles you don'twant and help create new, better ones in their place.

5. You take each other for granted.Anything you value, from your house to your friendships, requires maintenance, attention, and investment — otherwise you'll likely stop seeing all the great things about it. "When we first got married, I'd constantly brag about my husband," says Taylor M., 41. "Now I get so caught up in the nitty-gritty details of running our life together that sometimes I forget to appreciate the little things I love about him — like his amazing laugh and great cooking skills." Turndorf suggests thinking of your relationship as a car. "It'll end up dead in a ditch if you don't regularly maintain and service it," she says. "The fuel of a relationship is positive communications. Refuel each other's emotional tanks by offering each other five positive statements or gestures each day." A doable goal, we think.

6. Date night hasn't changed for the last five years.We get it. Dinner at your favorite Thai place followed by Netflix just hits the spot every time. And no one's telling you to kick that habit — we're just saying you might want to sprinkle some new activities in every now and then. "One time my wife and I got lost on the way to a new restaurant, asked for directions from three different people, still couldn't find the place, and wound up eating at a drive-through and making out in the car," says Matt M., 35. "We haven't laughed that much in months." If you're itching to try something new — and even if you're not — make a point of breaking out of the go-to date night ritual, says Thomas. "If your partner is less open to change than you are, say something like, 'There are so many things I love about you and our routine, but I don't want to take our life for granted by doing the same thing all the time.' Then float a fresh activity idea in a nonintimidating way."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

7. You've become each other's punching bags.When tough stuff happens, we turn to those we love and feel safe for help, but all too often we end up damaging relationships by unintentionally projecting our stormy emotions and offloading our problems onto those people. "For a couple of years, I was in a job I hated, and I'd come home every day in an awful mood and vent about it to my wife," says Chris A., 37. "I ended up making us both feel terrible, instead of letting home and relationship be the sanctuary it should have been." Over time, this kind of behavior can erode trust and happiness, and will inevitably create conflicts. "Following negative emotions leads to negative relationship behavior, which always influences your spouse," says Gary Chapman, Ph.D., author ofOne More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. "It's a pattern many couples slip into. But if you decide that you are going to change your thinking and behavior and focus on being positive with your spouse, you can tap into the power of positive influence and break the pattern."

Most Popular

8. You've "let yourselves go."
We're hardly saying you have to purge every pair of stretchy pants and comfy-but-lumpy sweater you own. And we're not advising you to become a gym addict either. But never going out of your way to look nice for your partner could be putting a damper on your relationship. And it's not necessarily about looks. "I didn't mind that my husband put on a little weight during the first five years of our marriage — I always think he's cute," says Caitlin E., 38. "But the fact that he never exercised was a downer. Shouldn't he care about being fit so we can live a long, healthy life together?" Taking care of your body isn't just physically attractive to your mate, says sexologist and relationship podcast host Emily Morse. "It naturally puts you in a sexy mood, and endorphins from exercise make you less stressed, happier, and likelier to have better sex." So suggest taking a gym class or going for a run together — it's guaranteed to bring you closer.

9. You complain behind each other's backs.We're all guilty of airing dirty relationship laundry over dinner with the girls or on the phone with our moms. But doing it too often can not only undercut the trust and intimacy in your relationship, but can also wind up undermining your whole connection. Sure, it's a lot easier to say that stuff to anyone other than your husband, but owning up to your feelings to his face is the best way to foster trust and strengthen your bond. And it goes both ways. "This means listening to uncomfortable things our partner may have to say about us," says Carroll in Love Cycles. "These behaviors take considerable courage, patience, self-awareness, and practice. Yet all of us can — and must — learn these skills in order to restore trust and intimacy."

10. You've stopped listening to each other.
The ability to truly listen, not just hear, is key to keeping a marriage thriving. It can be difficult to really take in everything your spouse says over the course of many years together, but failing to process the little things can build up and cause serious damage. "Couples go deaf and stop hearing each other when they speak in ways that aren't 'hearable,' meaning the universal license people give themselves to attack, blame, and criticize one another under the guise of 'just being honest' or 'getting it off your chest,'" says Turndorf. "Instead of blaming our partners for what they aren't doing right, it's up to us to identify what we want and to request it. When we communicate our feelings and needs correctly, we instantly perk up our partners' hearing. Most partners want to hear us and respond to our deepest desires." So whether you're arguing or just deciding what movie to see, make sure you're pausing to take in what the other is saying — not just planning how you want to respond.