Those wacky Anglicans

Men in a civil union will now be allowed to become bishops in the Church of England, but they are not allowed to have sex.

Intercourse between two men — or two women — remains a sin.

"Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion," according to Anglican doctrine.

It always leaves me gobsmacked that they can talk about a universal “Christian ideal” issued by the will of an omnipotent deity that specifies exactly where you can put your penis. It’s kind of cute that their holy book can be interpreted to constrain penile activities, but at the same time, endorses slavery and treats rape as a property crime (it is not an abomination to stick your penis in an unwilling woman, after all!)

I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

“Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion,” according to Anglican doctrine.

[Curtain opens]

{Sound of two priests passionately fucking}

“GERCHA!!!!!! Oh I am most heartily sorry.”

“There, there. You’ll be forgiven if you are truly repentant.”

“Oh I am very repentant. I repent most thoroughly. Allow me to demonstrate by humbling myself before you.”

{Sound of quite enthusiastic oral sex}

“GNNNNNNNNNNNNURHGH!!!”

“I bet you’re heartily repentant too now aren’t you?”

“Let. Me. Get. My. Breath. Phew. Yes, very repentant. In fact I’m so repentant I feel I could repent again after about, ooooh I dunno, a 10 minute break to take on fluids and have a shower. You?”

“Sounds about right. Help me out of this swing and unplug the electrodes would you? There’s a doll.”

“Excellent. More tea, vicar?”

“Oh yes please. And can I have one of those lovely biscuits left by the WI?”

“But of course. Now when we go again, remember to film it for the archdiocese. They have to check it thoroughly for any things we might need to repent for when we’re all together at the next General Synod.”

I have always wondered about this… as far as I know, catholics take vows of celibacy and chastity when they become ordained into the priesthood, so what happens to those who enter the priesthood from other denominations who are already married?

Religious people are nearly always fucked up about sex. But they seem to have a very difficult time to “walk the talk”. I guess it’s one of those “do what I say, not what I do” things. So. Fucking. Sick. Of. Religion.

Moggie, what if those hypothetical female anglican priests did not fart. Would they still be icky?

Of course they would! Is it not written that ladyparts are an abomination unto the lord?

But there’s nothing hypothetical about female anglican priests. Actually, contrary to what I wrote, the wider Anglican church does have some female bishops: it’s the Church of England which recently hit the news when it reaffirmed its glass ceiling on women in the priesthood. The CofE seems to be on a mission lately to find every way possible to make itself look bad to as many people as possible; this latest nudge-nudge ruling about civil unions (essentially a big fat hint to gay priests that they ought to lie) will piss off both sides of the debate.

In old English, “girl” also denoted a “young person”. As religion is stuck in the past,

PZ:

it is not an abomination to stick your penis in an unwilling woman, after all!

it is an easy step to go from young woman to young person. This, perhaps, could be used by the catholic church in recruiting anglican priests. With the right semantic twists, altar boys become “women” in the minds of the demented spokesmen of delusion, and are therefore legitimate targets in their twisted minds. With cross pollution, this also works for the disgusting superstition peddlers in other sects.

“Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion,” according to Anglican doctrine.

Seems to me like there’s a singular lack of compassion going on. Or maybe God in all His Glory revealed to the Synod that anal fingering and nipple-licking (amongst many other possibilities!) don’t count after all.

I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

I must admit that that’s not something which I’ve ever felt compelled to search for on the Internet. But it probably exists and therefore, because of the invisible hand of the market, the demand will need to be fed somehow.

Oh crap! I’ve just given in to ungodly weakness and temptation, and seen just how many Italian nun films there are…

I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

In practice, it’ll be the same system they’ve used up to now with gay clergy, and indeed bishops – DADT. The announcement has seriously pissed off both the “traditionalists” and the “liberals”; the only reason they stay together is for the children real estate.

Louis@5 – one of your best! If Mollies are still being awarded for comments, that’s a very strong candidate.

I’m also wondering how they plan to enforce their proscription. Will they be installing cameras in gay priests’ bedrooms?

I suspect they won’t enforce it. Notice this:

“Homosexual genital acts fall short of the Christian ideal and are to be met with a call to repentance and the exercise of compassion,”

That sounds like code for the “you’re totally sinning but it’s between God and you” tactic. It requires a fair bit of doublethink and hypocrisy (and has unfortunate similarities to the way churches have dealt with child-abusing priests), but hey, that’s religion.

That they’re budging on this at all frankly sounds like a sliver of progress. The more watered-down and abstract these rules become, the weaker their grip on society gets.

In a few years, the sex restriction will be lifted and the Church will turn this into a total acceptence of homosexuality saying they allowed for gay clergy for years, and justify it with a few cherry picked verses.

CofE has me absolutely baffled at the moment (beyond the normal!)… ‘Gay’ is bad so they are against same-sex marriages, yet they’ll let gay men in civil partnerships become bishops, as long as they say they’re celibate (I’m not even going to comment on how they’re police that). Meanwhile women clergy (whether they’re married or not) aren’t allowed to be bishops… Huh? I just… Don’t even… Religion *rolls eyes*

Louis refers to a “swing”. The correct word is “sling”, though I admit that low grade sex toy outlets sell “sex swings.”

Married priests: the Uniate churches (Catholic, but following Orthodox practice, not Roman practice) have a married priesthood. There are disputes from time to time when Rome tries to Romanize various details of the Eastern liturgy and practice and is met with fierce resistance.

@36 because the homophobia is a special case of misogyny. Dick is to be given, not taken. There’s a reason why lesbians bother homophobes so much less than gay men bother them. And it is because no man is demeaning himself by being “woman-like.”

As we are seeing with the MRAs, misogyny runs very, very deep in our culture.

So…
– You shouldn’t be gay! …
– OK, you can be gay – but you can’t be good Christian!
– OK, you can be good Christian – but you can’t get married!
– OK, you can get married – but you can’t have sex!
What next?
“OK, you can have sex – but you shouldn’t enyou it!”?

This is in the news because the C of E has just decided to allow gay men to become bishops. Which implies a hierarchy of 1) heterosexual men 2) homosexual men, and then all women coming a poor third as they can’t become bishops, regardless of whether they are gay or hetero.

Not only will these men have to be in relationships which are celibate but they will also have to say ‘sorry’ for all the disgusting gay stuff they’ve been up to previously.

I can only hope that when Anglicans finally give in and allow women to become bishops or whatever, they’ll also allow gays to become priests/bishops/messiahs too. But then I also hope that they’ll drop all the ridiculous, contrary and hateful shite, and replace all their dogma, flawed history and dubious teachings with ‘Try your honest best to be nice to each other, OK?’

No-one needs to go into a special building at particular times of the week just to think that one through.

{Scene is a comfortable parlour in what is, quite obviously, a vicarage}

“…so I said to the deacon ‘You’d have to hit it with tins from the harvest festival before I’d repent you lilly livered sack of shit’, and we all laughed and played pin the tail on the curate.”

“Quite. Quite. I say, Charles, you’re a chap aren’t you?”

“Why yes, Gordon. I am.”

“Well you know what we saw those two lady vicars up to earlier…”

“Yes. I do. I ruddy well do.”

“…have you ever considered…”

“NEVER! The very thought. Outrageous. Abominable. Perverted. Positively Unchristian. We certainly weren’t taught to do that sort of thing at prep school. Or at oratory. I mean….with a woman…”

“Perish the thought. But I fear you have misunderstood me.”

“Quite. Quite.”

“I say, Charles, I do have an idea you know.”

“Yes, Gordon?”

“We could, I mean, that is, two chaps could do some of the things those two lady vicars were up to earlier, and for some of the things we would have brought our own equipment so to speak.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“Well, Charles, I was wondering if you would mind helping me with a couple of unapproved activities.”

“Oh Gordon! What will the bishop say?”

“I’ll ask him, he’s tied up under my chair.”

{Sound of unzipping}

“I say, Bish, would it be tickety boo if Charles and I engaged in a bit of homosexual genital activity?”

{Muffled voice} “Only if you take this champagne bottle out of my backside so I can play. And if you humbly repent, of course, my child.”

{Sound of rezipping}

“Bishop’s game!”

“I feel quite a repentance coming on already!”

“I can see that.”

“Shall we introduce the Bishop to that rather butch member of the church steeple fund raising committee? The one who’s a docker.”

“Rather! I think Nigel will enjoy meeting the Bishop.”

“Nip upstairs and fetch Felicity and the defibrillator will you, Gordon?”

“I shall. And permit me to change into something a little more penitent. I’m almost overcome with remorse at my actions to come.”

“Steady, Gordon. We don’t want any early admission of sins like last time do we?

“I have it all under control, Charles. I have my early repentance prevention device around my male abominables as we speak.”

“You were always good at forward planning. Now I’m off to get me a number 3 adjustable wrench, some mice and a small quantity of Vaseline. I’m not letting the Bishop down again. I’m up for promotion if he gets Durham.”

“Ohhh you’d look marvellous in a mitre, Charles.”

“Thank you. I confess I have tried one on. I’ve settled on a large, pink, flared affair with purple frogging.”

“Oh saucy!”

“I have no idea what you mean, Gordon. I merely wish to reflect the values I will be bringing to my ministry. A bishop’s mitre sets the tone, and I shall wield my staff with Christian grace to all those who kneel and accept Christ into their bodies.”

“Ah, the traditional uses of the Eucharist are the best aren’t they?”

“Well at least this way no one can choke on them.”

“Indeed.”

“Anyway, better get started. Ask Mrs Giblets to start the motor and I’ll be back as soon as I have taken the pessary out. Put the Bishop in the sling will you? No not the swing, the sling, it’s an entirely different affair, only a total idiot could mistake them. Careful, if that bottle shatters before he gets in there we’ll have a lot to explain to the Ecumenical Council.”

“No problem, Charles. Oh and Charles?”

“Yes?”

“Mind if Felicity tramples my balls first? Only I’ve been really quite unrepentant for a few minutes now and I feel a deep need to repent quite hard.”

Further extracts from the play “Fuck Me, Vicar, That’s a Big One!” Act 3, final scene:

[Curtain opens]

{Sound of profound theological discussion}

{Scene is an audience room in Buckingham Palace, in attendance the Prime Minister David Cameron, Her Majesty the Queen, His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh, and Justin Welby the new Archbishop of Canterbury}

“I say, Welby, you’re not going to let pooves and women be bishops are you?”

“mmmmnumnumnumnum I’m sorry your Majesty, could you move slightly to the left I couldn’t quite hear why His Highness was saying. Thank you. Oh brown hatters and birds?”

“Yers.”

“Don’t you worry, Your Highness, I’ve taken care of it.”

“Bloody good show, can’t have benders being bishops. Oi! Cameron! Did I tell you to stop licking? They don’t teach rimming properly at Eton these days. Did you get an A in Latin, boy? No? I can see why. Now don’t make me dry down there, I want it nice and easy for the new Archbishop’s inauguration.”

“Philly, I am the head of this church you know, you’re not sound like you’re very repentant.”

“No way, near, Liz old stick. This new PM of yours is about as much cop as the last one. At least Blair could use his tongue right, this one’s just a slimy little wanker. Quite literally I see.”

“He’s young, dear, give him time. Now I want you and the archbish to repent on my tits whilst I give the new boy a Cleveland Steamer. If that doesn’t make me repent most sincerely then I’m phoning the Pope. That old bastard has to be good for something except killing Africans and women on the sly.”

“Quite.”

“mmmmmmffff I’m struggling to breathe, Your Majesty.”

“Shut up you horrid little oik and keep lapping. Your kind a ten a penny, I can always get that Sentamu into Canters you know. Now there’s an Archbishop with his finger on the pulse if you know what I mean. Lot’s of happy parishioners in York if you get my drift. Now Phllip, pull yourself off the commoner and fetch the corgis. It’s time for some nibbling.”

{Sound of yapping and further theological discussion}

“That’s it, everyone in for a great big communal repent. And a one and a two and a three, oh look Cameron’s lost the ability to repent. Go and get Clegg, at least the Lib Dems like repentance.”

“God Bless Us and All Who Sail In Us!!!!!!!!”

“Well, that’s that done. Now get me a footman to dress me, I’m ready to give my Christmas speech. It’s 3D this year you know. Sky and Ron Jeremy are sponsoring it.”

Louis, perhaps a catchier title for your play would be to use the final part of the quotation from the church and call it “The Exercise of Compassion.” That rather vague phrase seems to apply to all the scenes you’ve written so far. :)