Oh, dear God no. It’s the offseason again. That endless stretch of seven months with hardly any real football in sight. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best. Which is why we have our perennial offseason series: THIS WEEK IN FU. This week: M*A*S*H.

You see that, M*A*S*H? You see the rating for Sunday night’s game? That is fucking right. 106.5 million goddamn viewers. Finally. FINALLY. At long last, I never have to hear the name of your goddamn show affiliated with the title of most-watched show of all time. God, how I hated that. It’s like seeing the Patriots win the Super Bowl 27 years in a row.

I have an irrational hatred of M*A*S*H. I’m well aware that many consider it one of the finest sitcoms of all time, a show that managed to be both savagely funny and socially conscious all at once. Then again, fuck all that, because I hated M*A*S*H. When I was a very small kid, there weren’t many TV channels to choose from, and fucking M*A*S*H occupied 80% of the programming across all of them. Never before or since has a sitcom chosen to introduce itself with the single worst, most wrist-slittingly depressing theme song known to man. I would rather hear REM cover three hours of Coldplay’s music than be subjected to the M*A*S*H theme song ever again. It’s horrible. It’s the audible equivalent of being trapped with your very worst relative for an interminable stretch.

M*A*S*H occupies that bizarre realm of sitcoms from 1970’s and 1980’s that induced suicidal thoughts within minutes of them coming on the screen. “Barney Miller,” “Love American Style,” and “Rhoda” all induced similar feelings of horror and nausea. If you were a child in the 1980’s and you were sick and home from school, these were the programs you were stuck with. And I resent that. I resent that today’s children who are trapped here in DC with 9,000 inches of snow have cool shit like porn and Korean knife rape videos to check out while comfy in their beds with the runs. I had M*A*S*H, and that is bullshit.

So FUCK YOU, M*A*S*H. Die. Football should have trumped your old ass ages ago, and now it finally has. A reporter for the Washington Post said M*A*S*H’s record was still more impressive, because the country was less populated then. No really. This retard said that:

With all due respect to the Saints and the Super Bowl, the “M*A*S*H” finale is still the more impressive ratings feat, because when the show signed off the air on Feb. 28, 1983, the country had about 75 million fewer people than it did on Sunday. (The Census Bureau puts the current population at 308 million.)

Yeah, well you can fucking blow me, lady, because most people don’t even fucking watch TV anymore. So I find it impressive that a football game, in the era of endless diversions, can trump a record set by a show that was watched by millions of people who had literally no other choice. Eat shit and die.

M*A*S*H can suck it. The only time I will ever hear that show mentioned again is when some football team ahs a lot of injuries and the analyst has no better analogy to use. Goodbye to your ratings record, you old piece of shit show. Enjoy your rightful place in TV history’s dustbin.

As much as the offseason blows, I have missed these posts. I still hate Ellen and umbrellas.

02.09.10 at 9:44 am

Chief Wahoo

Sounds like SOMEONE is feeling guilty about jerking it to Klinger.

02.09.10 at 9:46 am

Mo Charlo

Alan Alda sucks, too.

02.09.10 at 9:46 am

Tim

There may have been less people at the time, but there were thousands of less channels to choose from. The person to channel ratio then was much different.

02.09.10 at 9:46 am

LaFarve's Next Retirement

What’s this “offseason” bullshit?

02.09.10 at 9:47 am

Tim

There may have been less people at the time, but there were thousands of less channels to choose from. The person to channel ratio then was much different. Plus, M*A*S*H sucked!

02.09.10 at 9:47 am

Paul-God

Beautiful, BDD! I feel the same way, as I too was a child stuck watching that retarded fucking show.

What makes it better, that it was a record number of viewers for what most in sports broadcasting would consider a horrible matchup. A team from the midwest vs. a team from the deep south. No east coast or west coast team.

So, fuck M*A*S*H, fuck the sports pundits, and FUCK THE FAT HUMPS! A RECORD NUMBER OF PEOPLE WATCHED YOUR FETUSHEAD LOSE!

The worst thing about MASH is that half of its braindead Baby Boomer audience thought it was set in Vietnam, not Korea. Dumbasses.

02.09.10 at 9:54 am

LSD Baby

Every time I hear the M*A*S*H theme song it takes me back to a time when I was getting molested. I fucking hate that song. show, and my childhood.

02.09.10 at 9:55 am

LSD Baby

*song,

02.09.10 at 9:56 am

mah

and for most people, the Superbowl is mostly an entertainment “event” now. The commercials and half time show get as much buzz as the game. Which sucks. The geriatric Who were pitiful. Should have been left out to pasture.

And what a marketing coup the commercials are! Who was the evil genius who figured out how to get us to look forward to commercials. Fucker.

I remember when it was about the game…sigh…and since I’m ranting I hate the fucking BCS, the fact we’ll soon have more bowls than teams to fill them, and the fucking renaming stadiums to suit whomever the current highest bidder may be.

02.09.10 at 9:56 am

Ryno

[b]With all due respect to the Saints and the Super Bowl, the “M*A*S*H” finale is still the more impressive ratings feat, because when the show signed off the air on Feb. 28, 1983, the country had about 75 million fewer people than it did on Sunday.[/b]

Yeah – but those 75 millions are all mexicans watching SABADO GIGANTE and not the pro football – AMIRITE???!!

/watches SABADO GIGANTE
//beats off

02.09.10 at 9:57 am

Farthammer

Holy shit, that song has actual words?!?

02.09.10 at 9:57 am

jackin'4beats

Welcome back BDD. That was some righteous hate my man. And M*A*S*H can suck the big fat one as far as I’m concerned. When I was stuck inside and wanted to watch those old Chinese Kung-Fu movies on Saturday, M*A*S*H re-runs were always on and I had to wait until they went off to get my fix. **TIGER STYLE**

Since I was born in the 70’s, I didn’t care much about the KO-REEE-ANN war anyway so the “humor” was lost on me.

/YAY FOOTBALL RATINGS
//BOO OFFSEASON

02.09.10 at 9:58 am

Nonpopulist

“Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes.”
I love that song and have it on my ipod. In reality, regular season games have probably been stomping MASH’s ass for years, but there’s no way to meter when people watch the game in sports bar or in groups. The TV ratings system is not scientific.

02.09.10 at 9:59 am

Upstate Underdog

A-fucking-men. MASH was fucking terrible. Thankfully my parents never watched it so it was never on in our house. The only people that liked MASH when I was growing up were my friends and their parents who didn’t have cable.

02.09.10 at 10:01 am

Larry Dolan should die in a fiery crash

Please forward links to said korean knife rape videos.

DON’T JUDGE ME!

02.09.10 at 10:03 am

Kristofferson Kriskristofferson

But we can still say good things about “Hot Lips” Houlihan, yes?

02.09.10 at 10:04 am

K-Gun Jeweler

BDD has jumped the shark. No one watches TV? I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt, and chalk that up to a snarky comment boiling down the fact that TV no longer rules the landscape like it did in the 80’s, what with the advent of interwebs and all. However, that’s not what I’m refering to in sharkus jumpus. Drew, you should be hating on Alan Alda specifically. That mop haired dick bag ushered in the “sensitive male” archtype, and with it all the bullshit movies that Tom Hanks went on to make. And he gave Pete Wentz hair styling tips. Alan Alda is a douche of epic proportions whose vainglory took a show that was very good at its inception and put his DNA all over the final years when he and his aptly named chum, BJ, gayed it up real nice. So fuck you Alan Alda for helping with the pussification of the American male. I hope you die while getting a manicure, you douche. PS: Hot Lips was a man.

02.09.10 at 10:05 am

Crosshare

This post drums up inner feelings in me that I buried away forever. I fucking hate MASH. My dad used to watch re-runs nonstop. Drew nailed it on the theme song too, it sucked that hard.

02.09.10 at 10:06 am

Chamomiles Davis

That show was never the same after Frank Burns left.

/Frank Burns eats worms
//Fetushead beats Ferretface

02.09.10 at 10:06 am

ATLeagle

Drew: why didn’t you watch game shows when you were sick? The best part of being sick was watching Press Your Luck and the Price is Right.

02.09.10 at 10:08 am

Chazz_Goodtimes

See this is what happens when Drew doesn’t get to unleash his rage on Peter King. Is it worth burning calories hating a TV show that went off the air over 25 years ago? Save your hate for things that deserve the effort- like Fat Humps, Bye Weeks, and the Dutch.

02.09.10 at 10:09 am

SRV

SABADO GIGANTE – is that mexican for “Huge knockers”? is that the show where they have all the old mexicans dressing up like kids, except for the chicks of course who are just half nekkid with , well with big ass knockers!
Good rant there Drew,

MASH was terrible but you know what was good when you were home sick? Bewitched.

02.09.10 at 10:16 am

Bill Cowher's Chiclets

The movie was great. The show got too preachy near the end. It stopped being funny when they killed off Col Blake and Trapper left. All that was left was a character played by the Prince of Shark Jump, Ted McGingley.

02.09.10 at 10:19 am

eddiebear

when I was sick in the early-mid 80s, my folks had just got cable, but all they had on during the day was reruns of those shitty 70s games shows and stock market shit. And this is even when ESPN still had fucking cattle future reports on early in the morning. And I had to beat off to scrambled pr0n , hoping to see a glimpse of some unshaven disco cootch

Gah! Kids today are so spoiled.

02.09.10 at 10:20 am

eddiebear

when I was sick in the early-mid 80s, my folks had just subscribed to cable, but all they had on during the day was reruns of those shitty 70s games shows and stock market shit. And this is even when ESPN still had fucking cattle future reports on early in the morning. And I had to beat off to scrambled pr0n , hoping to see a glimpse of some unshaven disco cootch

Gah! Kids today are so spoiled.

02.09.10 at 10:20 am

eddiebear

sorry for the double post. my bad.

02.09.10 at 10:22 am

Boss Godfrey

M*A*S*H the TV show sucked for all the above reasons, but primarily Alan Alda’s self-satisfied smug sensitivity.

M*A*S*H the original Robert Altman movie is fucking awesome because not only does it hate it is as un-PC as they come.

02.09.10 at 10:24 am

Todd Marinovich's Dealer

The single funniest thing I have ever read on KSK:
“I resent that today’s children who are trapped here in DC with 9,000 inches of snow have cool shit like porn and Korean knife rape videos to check out while comfy in their beds with the runs. I had M*A*S*H, and that is bullshit.”

We had like 12 channels before the coming of the glorius cable box and the wonder of basic cable. MASH can die in a fire with family watching. The most torture I have ever experienced was waiting for MASH to end so I could get my Star Blazers fix.

02.09.10 at 10:27 am

Hit Dog

The best use of M*A*S*H has to be an Ice Cube song where he describes dying from gunshot wounds in a hospital.

One hour done passed
Done watched two episodes of M*A*S*H
And when I’m almost through
They call my name and put me on ICU

So yeah, fuck M*A*S*H. Nowadays they’ll throw some Jerry on that bitch while you bleed.

02.09.10 at 10:33 am

Whowillsexmtombo?

I find it funny that in real life the actor who played Radar O’Reilly had some sort of mangled arm, so they always covered it up with a clip board on the show.

Did I say “funny”? By “funny” I mean that it makes me laugh to mock the crippled.

//Radar in the 70s probably STILL got more ass than the combined readership of KSK.
//I will now investigate how “painless” suicide actually is.

02.09.10 at 10:35 am

Grimey

How dare you besmirch the good name of Barney Miller.

02.09.10 at 10:36 am

Fred Smoot's Jockstrap

Korean knife rape videos FTW

I have watched a collective 20 minutes of M*A*S*H in my life and I don’t think I’ve missed out out on anything.

I thoroughly enjoy the other brand of football (as opposed to American and the “other other brand”), but I dislike that its proponents still can hold the UEFA Champions League Final over our heads (109+ million viewers). I won’t start a USA! USA! chant over it, but it irks me that they canand do taunt us for it.

02.09.10 at 10:36 am

Endorsed by Cowher

Off Season?? What about the Pro Bowl..Oh Yeah, nice job NFL not I don’t even have that crapfest to look forward to after the Super Bowl

I’ll argue that MASH went downhill fast the second that Winchester replaced Frank Burns. And where did Winchester hail from? Boston. I rest my case.

02.09.10 at 10:44 am

Mo Charlo

You know what I hate? Ads that expand when you accidentally roll over them with the mouse.

02.09.10 at 10:47 am

StuScottBooyahs

With all due respect to the Saints and the Super Bowl, the “M*A*S*H” finale is still the more impressive ratings feat, because when the show signed off the air on Feb. 28, 1983, the country had about 75 million fewer people than it did on Sunday.

That is such fucking bullshit. Thanks to satellite and cable, we now have about 30,000 channels to choose from. How many did they have in 1983? Four? If they can get the rabbit ears positioned just right?

And is DVR even counted in the Super Bowl ratings? If it doesn’t, then she can really go eat a bag of dicks.

02.09.10 at 10:48 am

Slash

Eh, whatever. I liked MASH. It got kinda crappy there in the last couple seasons, like most comedies.

They put regular-season shows and “special events” like the Super Bowl (and the Oscars) in different ratings categories for a reason (and sports, as well). People who don’t normally watch football will watch the Super Bowl, so the ratings for it are really only useful for that particular event broadcast (year to year), not the season as a whole. People who watch series finales, OTOH, were probably people who had at least a passing interest in the series when it aired. Comparing the two is really kind of stupid and pointless.

Which is, of course, why some dipshit at the Washington Post thought the comparison would be useful. Because football fans clearly care deeply about the ratings of a series finale that happened 27 goddam years ago. Why stop there? Let’s go back to Elvis’s appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. Or maybe we should go back to 1948. Hardly anybody even had a TV back then, so the 3 shows that broadcast regularly probably had fantastic fucking ratings among the 5% of the U.S. population that were able to see them.

02.09.10 at 10:50 am

Witty Nickname

I like M#A#S#H…. I even bought the DVD set…. its one of my favourite TV shows….

\hands over man license

02.09.10 at 10:52 am

Reggie Bush's Pimp

@SRV: no, SABADO GIGANTE is a 3-4 hour variety show that comes on Saturday nights and features hot models, old Latin people singing jingles to sponsors and contests to win prizes. Its basically what everyone in the Third World thinks America is — whores, brand-name free shit and Plinko.

And truly…FUCK MASH. Yeah, I know there’s supposed to be * in between the letters, but fuck that shit. MASH is like the ’72 Dolphins of TV — hanging onto the one thing of note and milking it for all its worth. Well now it’s gone and no one has to hear it ever again. Let it die along with the Boomers who think it was a relevant show about meaningful stuff (Sadly they’ll be replaced by Xers who think The West Wing was relevant and meaningful).

And so the Circle of Hate continues!

02.09.10 at 10:54 am

shmendo

M*A*S*H* the movie was unbelievably awesome, and has been tarnished by the show. In fact, by the last show, the TV show’s sanctimonious attitude and theme were almost diametrically opposite of the movie’s. Every character on the movie was funnier and better, notably Sutherland’s Hawkeye vs. Alda’s. And don’t get me started on Loretta Swit as the sex bomb – she looked like a nun without her habit on – against Sally Kellerman at her peak.

02.09.10 at 11:02 am

Greg Olsen is making me sexits

Everyone knows the theme song is called “Suicide is Painless”, right? What is it about those jazzy 80s themes that make me so depressed? Makes me wonder why I spent my younger years watching so much damn T.V. Bah.

02.09.10 at 11:03 am

OJ Incandenza

Gentlemen:

AfterMASH.

That is all.

02.09.10 at 11:04 am

Sir Arthur Twicenightly

SABADO GIGANTE es “Giant Saturday” en ingles, which I wonder is what the losing center for the Colts calls his bowel movements after a trip to Steak ‘n Shake followed by a nightcap at Gulp ‘n Blow. We are fuck you, Stampede Poo.

02.09.10 at 11:08 am

OJ Incandenza

Oh, one more thing.

W*A*L*T*E*R.

02.09.10 at 11:09 am

The Gooch

You forgot MASH’s most grievous sin –being the de facto rain delay show for most of my childhood. I know you hate baseball, but there was nothing worse than hoping the game would be about to start, turning to PIX11, and being greeted with that cock sucking abomination of a theme song.

02.09.10 at 11:11 am

FatherMulcahylovessmallboys

MASH was 1,000% better in the first two seasons when it was Trapper John and Col. Blake. That’s when it actually WAS a sitcom. Then it got all serious and preachy and shit.

Yeah, football! We are now masters of our own domain!

02.09.10 at 11:15 am

coachdonovan

no no, fuck YOU, Drew, for putting that goddamn fucking song/tune in my head for the rest of the day.

02.09.10 at 11:24 am

Steal This Webcomic

C’mon what did Klinger ever do to you, Drew? Maybe during the off season KSK should just run game simulations like other sites and then talk trash when Favre throws simulated season ending picks. Suicide is painless.

02.09.10 at 11:26 am

Otto Man

The movie was great. If for no other reason than the casting of Fred “Motherfucker” Williamson as Dr. Oliver “Spearchucker” Jones.

The early years of the sitcom were good, but once they started outlasting the actual war and Alda blossomed into a Sensitive Man, then … meh.

02.09.10 at 11:29 am

stuff

My ‘puter has no speakers and just seeing the logo has stuck that song in my head….

/runs out to get bodies off of choppers
/fucks them

02.09.10 at 11:30 am

Graddy

The Trapper and Henry Blake seasons (1-3) were great TV, 4 & 5 were so-so, then Alda got more creative control and made it the piece of shit that most people associate with M*A*S*H. So dissing M*A*S*H is one thing since, like The Simpsons, it sucked longer than it was any good. But throwing insults at Barney Miller is going too far. TAKE IT BACK.

Mike Farrell can go fuck himself.

02.09.10 at 11:44 am

Barffalo

/sad trombone

Or, since it’s MASH, /sad trumpet.

02.09.10 at 11:49 am

Nathan Hale

I never saw M.A.S.H., but I found it astounding that there were 200 million people in the U.S. who did not watch the Super Bowl. If you don’t watch the Super Bowl, you deserve to be deported. I don’t care what anyone says, it is a fucking cultural event.

02.09.10 at 11:57 am

StuScottBooyahs

the ‘72 Dolphins of TV

I’d say that about sums it up. +1, RBP

02.09.10 at 12:00 pm

WendellX

I’m pretty sure MASH never had to go up against the Puppy Bowl. Advantage: Super Bowl.

02.09.10 at 12:10 pm

Nimby

Early MASH clearly better…too bad Wayne Rodgers went all Dennis Miller on us.

/thread should have been tagged ‘meatball surgery’

02.09.10 at 12:15 pm

Slash

RE Nathan Hale Says:
“I never saw M.A.S.H., but I found it astounding that there were 200 million people in the U.S. who did not watch the Super Bowl. If you don’t watch the Super Bowl, you deserve to be deported. I don’t care what anyone says, it is a fucking cultural event.”

Roger Goodell?

02.09.10 at 12:16 pm

Drave

My guess is that the current over/under for liking MASH is 40 yrs old, much as the ’70s o/u for liking Lawrence Welk was being born before/after WW1.
/ Drave > 40, likes MASH
// Grandmother *loved* Welk, especially the shows’s lack of non-whites
/// Welk rereuns still #1 in Indy

02.09.10 at 12:21 pm

ButchHobsonsDeviatedSeptum

@Nathan Hale

Totally agree. Makes one wonder what they could have been watching. I swear the same fucking assclowns who liked MASH are the people that watch Two and Half Men…what the fuck is wrong with our countrymen when it comes to television comedy, how to people not immediately latch to the teat of shit like Dexter but they will rub one out to shit starring Ray Romano.

/MASH was all DADT before DADT even existed

02.09.10 at 12:28 pm

Otto Man

Welk reruns still #1 in Indy

Ssh, they don’t realize those are re-runs. In Indy, Welk is considered to be the cutting edge in pop culture.

02.09.10 at 12:28 pm

Slash

RE ButchHobsonsDeviatedSeptum Says:
“@Nathan Hale Totally agree. Makes one wonder what they could have been watching.”

Uh… anything else. On every other channel.

“If you don’t like the Super Bowl, you hate America!”

Peter King couldn’t have said it better himself.

02.09.10 at 12:29 pm

Spatula

The preachy crapfest that was MASH created what I call the MASH generation. These are the kids who took away the one recurring theme from the show — the US is responsible for everything bad in the world. They grew up to be preachy, asshole adults who say that the US is responsible for everything bad in the world. Who says TV isn’t a weapon of mass destruction?

/The movie was an anti-Vietnam War film
//The novel is anti-liberal

02.09.10 at 12:32 pm

wtf?

I appreciate that you can say “most people don’t even watch TV anymore” when studies are showing average TV watching of 20+ hours per person these days.

02.09.10 at 12:34 pm

dudebro

ITT: old ass motherfuckers.

02.09.10 at 12:37 pm

Pigs

I’m almost 21 and have loved MASH for years.

I’m also from New England.

I’ll leave now…

02.09.10 at 12:40 pm

Upstate Underdog

I went to high school with a weird kid that often wore a MASH #4077 t-shirt. He was not very popular, he also carried his books in a PBS tote bag. Like I said he wasn’t very popular.

02.09.10 at 12:45 pm

Otto Man

Spatula, could you point to the doll to show us where Alan Alda touched you?

02.09.10 at 12:45 pm

Gob Bluth's Awkward Segway

“With all due respect to the Saints and the Super Bowl, the “M*A*S*H” finale is still the more impressive ratings feat, because when the show signed off the air on Feb. 28, 1983, the country had about 75 million fewer people than it did on Sunday. (The Census Bureau puts the current population at 308 million.) ”

Get fucked, lady. The difference in the amount of TV options between 1983 and 2010 makes your argument invalid.

/If a commenter already wrote this, my bad

02.09.10 at 12:50 pm

jackin'4beats

@The Gooch: I was thinking the same thing so +1 for you. That should cancel out the -1 you’ll probably receive from KSK for bringing up baseball but you are still absolutely correct about it being the defacto rain delay show.

/no wonder I subconsciously hate the rain

02.09.10 at 1:03 pm

johndewar

The only thing more retarded than the ratings system is any offspring resulting from the cast of Jersey Shore mating indiscriminately.

Oh, and this feature is the best thing about the off season (this, and “kill kill kill”). When does training camp start?

/preparing for the snow tonight by getting blackout drunk

02.09.10 at 1:05 pm

DancingBaptist

Spatula + 1.

My parents watched MASH, so I was forced to watch it as well. Now, some 20 years later I can’t stomache more than 30 seconds of that bile.

Now, you want to watch an old tv show that wouldn’t even be allowed on today – The Gong Show. That thing was out there like farking Pluto.

02.09.10 at 1:06 pm

G-Money

The worst part (besides it being on all the fucking time and retarded) was the incessant fucking laugh track with the same idiotic laughs at the same idiotic times…

/head assplodes

02.09.10 at 1:09 pm

crazyjoedavola

What the hell? Do not bring down the good name of Barney Miller, and the only theme song ever that featured a bass solo. MASH? meh.

02.09.10 at 1:17 pm

Cutlerception

Why choose between the Super bowl and the puppy bowl? In my sports den the big screen got the big game; the four side TV’s, all puppies all the time. Greatest. Superbowl. Party. Ever. I can’t believe it took me until the sixth year to discover the greatness of the Puppy Bowl. Thank god animal planet ran it on a loop all day. The kitty half time show can eat a dick though, fuck cats and the people who own them.

02.09.10 at 1:18 pm

Reggie Bush's Pimp

@Stu: Thank you. I will now take that +1 and run with it!

So dissing M*A*S*H is one thing since, like The Simpsons, it sucked longer than it was any good.

What’s the over/under for good years that a show has? I’d say 6 seasons. Give a show 1-2 years to find its footing (not all shows start out hot) and 4 seasons of quality stuff.

I’m trying to think of a show that stayed as good beyond that. I can’t think of any show that was as good when it hit double digits in years.

02.09.10 at 1:29 pm

Filth Nasty

I always liked the Gunsmoke series which was quite good for its 20-year run, but this is only opinion.
I also consider MASH an excellent show, sans laugh track, so I must disagree with BDD on this one.

02.09.10 at 1:31 pm

PigFace Joe

So true! I never knew M*A*S*H was a comedy until I was about 14 because that fucking theme song was soo shitty and depressing, whenever I heard it as a child I would immediately turn the channel because I figured the show sucked. Looking at the comments, I guess I was right.

02.09.10 at 1:31 pm

K-Mart LOVES ''The Jacking''

To bad i didn’t exist during the GOLDEN 80’s. Would have loved to live in a America with 70million less douche-rs and only 4 TV channels.

[S]MASH is like the whore that everybody praises for having a great body but criticizes for having a pig face.

Well I loved M*A*S*H. It wins in an ever so slight tiebreaker with Seinfeld only becuase I can’t stand to KNOW the characters are about to do stupid things, so I could never watch Seinfeld reruns even though the first time was great.

Also, THAT THEME MUSIC WAS THE BEST EVER! So, well…Fuck you guys. But it’s still a great site.

02.09.10 at 1:52 pm

Boss Godfrey

@K-Mart: Ouch. Sucks to be you. Here’s some other stuff you missed:

1970’s: Pot was $35/ounce (none of that metric shit). Sex was easy and there was no AIDS. I saw Led Zeppelin live.

1960’s: On TV, guys would walk on the moon. This show usually came on right after the Vietnam War (the real one).

My advice to you is to next time get born at a decent time and place. Because in this life you are positively fucked.

02.09.10 at 2:05 pm

Slash

RE Otto Man Says:
“Spatula, could you point to the doll to show us where Alan Alda touched you?”

The PK comparison hurt, upon further reflection that statement did possess a modicum of douche. That being said when 1 out of every 3 people is watching the SB its pretty fair to state that those who are not watching it are outside the cultural norm.

02.09.10 at 2:16 pm

ButchHobsonsDeviatedSeptum

I guess it is at least redeeming that MASH had some sort of socio-political subtext. After all, who amongst us did not at one time or another jerk it to sexy octogenarian Rue McClanahan…

Preach on. I grew up in the country where we couldn’t get cable, so whenever you turned on the TV, there was a 25% chance that M*A*S*H was on. God, I hated that show. A few things:

02.09.10 at 2:36 pm

Gino Tourettsa

Oops. Sorry about that. Anyway:

• The actor who played Radr O’Reilly hand a deformed left hand that was always coveredd or out of shot
• When Alan Alda directed episodes, they were always gay exercises in pretentious sensitive douchebaggery
• “Trapper Joh, MD” and “After M*A*S*H” sucked
• What happened to Spear Chucker?

02.09.10 at 2:45 pm

Gino Tourettsa

Guh. I had too many Martinis at the Officers’ Club to type properly. Horse hockey!

02.09.10 at 2:56 pm

C-Student

i hated it as a kid in the 80’s. but i actually dug the re-runs as a teen in the 90’s.

and yes, i did get laid in high school.

02.09.10 at 3:06 pm

Soul On Ice

Fun MASH Fact: The lyricist of the MASH theme (“Suicide Is Painless”) is actually Robert Altman’s son Mike, who was all of 14 when the movie was being made. While the son was given publishing royalties from the song, the elder Altman was screwed out of a percentage of the film’s profits (it was a monster box office hit in 1970) by producers who thought he was a pain in the ass. Therefore, while Altman Sr. made only $70,000 off MASH, his son has made probably millions from publishing royalties from the movie theme which was also used as TV show’s theme.

02.09.10 at 3:46 pm

jamaicanmehazy

…and Seinfeld sucked ass, too

02.09.10 at 3:48 pm

IrishCream

Luckily my dad would put on the A-Team at dinner time. BEST CHILDHOOD EVER!

/but when I was sick all I had to watch was David the Gnome…fuck

02.09.10 at 3:54 pm

The Beach Boys Have Never Been to Kokomo, IN

@ThePrematureEjaculators: /If a commenter already wrote this, my bad

Yeah, BDD wrote it. In the gottam article!

#ExtraMustardPlease

02.09.10 at 4:07 pm

Slash

RE ButchHobsonsDeviatedSeptum Says:
“The PK comparison hurt, upon further reflection that statement did possess a modicum of douche. That being said when 1 out of every 3 people is watching the SB its pretty fair to state that those who are not watching it are outside the cultural norm.”

1. I thought it might.
2. Yes, it did have the scent of douche.
3. 2 out of 3 is still more than 1 out of 3. I’ll even give you that a little over 100 million Americans are children under 18 and so probably not all that interested in football, so maybe they don’t count towards the total. That still leaves about 100 million Americans who still don’t really care about the Super Bowl. I come to this site for the dick jokes, not the football.

02.09.10 at 4:09 pm

IrishCream

@Slash: Yeah, but that’s 1/3 of the population watching the same program. The other 2/3’s are all watching different things. That’s pretty crazy to think about.

02.09.10 at 4:41 pm

City of Industry Football Corporation

God Bless You for speaking out against MASH. Also a child of the early 70’s, MASH has left a dark mark on my psyche to this day.

02.09.10 at 4:44 pm

Jaybosan

The TV show was OK I guess(compared to say modern shit like Grey’s Anatomy or Desperate Housewives). What becomes depressing about it is if you read the book or see the movie its based upon. Those are actually funny, irreverent and good. Thanks to the crappy TV show no one will touch either of them.

02.09.10 at 4:45 pm

Treima

I used to hate this show, too. Then I grew up, and I hate it even more because now I can discern exactly why the “jokes” suck and am left wondering what kind of humorless saps America must have been in the 70s and 80s to enjoy this tripe.

02.09.10 at 4:49 pm

That'samare

“If you were a child in the 1980’s and you were sick and home from school, these were the programs you were stuck with.”

I’m sure it was the same in America as it was in Canada, but, don’t forget that in the 80’s, the seemingly only live programming on the sports channel was either billiards or fucking darts. Man did they love showing that shit.

02.09.10 at 5:43 pm

Slash

RE IrishCream Says:
“@Slash: Yeah, but that’s 1/3 of the population watching the same program. The other 2/3’s are all watching different things. That’s pretty crazy to think about.”

It is a crazy, cock-eyed world we live in.

02.09.10 at 6:03 pm

K-Mart

Should have said the WHITE 80’s.

02.09.10 at 6:09 pm

Tomlinson's Pain Tolerance

Fuck you MASH. A cross dressing Homo, 2 drunk bastard doctors, 20 bull dyke nurses and a bunch of Gouk’s. Sounds like the crowd at a Jaguar’s game.

@ “Nobody watches TV anymore”
They do in New Orleans. They used our tax dollars to buy 60 inch plasmas with their FEMA gift cards.

02.09.10 at 6:58 pm

Bulger in my Pants

Fuck you. Maybe if you weren’t masturbating to that poster of Farrah or Maude or whomever, you would have watched MASH. Greatest show ever. If you’re too young, don’t be pissed because you’re stuck with worthless soulless shitheads like Lady Gaga and Beyonce winning awards. We had soulless shit too, but we didn’t give them awards. Fuck your generation.

02.09.10 at 7:50 pm

Rupert

The fuck you got against Barney Miller?

02.09.10 at 8:17 pm

Tomlinson's Pain Tolerance

@Bulger

I’m old enough to remember it and it still sucked ass. I’d rather watch fat humps in a subway eating contest.

02.09.10 at 8:18 pm

El Cid

MASH was bad enough when it was trying to be funny in the beginning but once that douchebag Alan Alda essentially took over the show it became a uber-preachy piece of shit. If you like MASH I would like you to die.

What’s the over/under for good years that a show has? I’d say 6 seasons. Give a show 1-2 years to find its footing (not all shows start out hot) and 4 seasons of quality stuff.
I’m trying to think of a show that stayed as good beyond that. I can’t think of any show that was as good when it hit double digits in years.

Well, I looked at the series (non-news/sports related) that have lasted 10+ years, and the only one I see that could be argued as still being pretty good is South Park. But even that comes with an asterisk since the seasons were only 13-15 episodes long (as opposed to 20+ for most network shows beyond the 1st season).

02.09.10 at 10:35 pm

Mathemagician

Something tells me BDD never read Mike Farrell’s “Core Beliefs”. Nor did he ever chain himself to a center field flagpole on a hunger strike to oppose his local minor league baseball team’s relocation to Albuquerque, as his four-fingered, yellow-skinned doppleganger once did…

Because I imagine Drew would also be disappointed that he’d have to wait 40 seconds to eat a flash-fried buffalo, you see…

02.09.10 at 11:09 pm

jujrok

Dancing Baptist sez the Gong Show wouldn’t make it on the air today.

Inexplicably, it has been for 9 years now. It’s called American Idol.

Wait. Maybe it is explicable. Its viewers are the same people who brought us Shrub’s 2 terms, SUVs as commuter cars, the BCS, and…the seemingly inexhaustible demand for MASH reruns.

02.10.10 at 6:53 am

Mutant

Q. What do you call a dick that’s gotten too big for its pants?
A. Alan Alda

The lyrics were never played over the theme music/opening credits in Australia, weird. Only ever heard them in the movie.
You have a nerve to diss Barney Miller.
Reckon you would have been better saving your bile for PK.

/Although Maj still did a pretty good job, way better than Punte.
//Not admitting to watching more than 6 Mash episodes
///Knows the dick joke was lame

02.10.10 at 10:12 am

Graddy

@Mutant:
The lyrics weren’t played over the opening credits in any country, it’s from the movie (so I’m not sure why Drew went with that when his beef is with the TV show).

02.10.10 at 11:49 am

hrw4ns

I am supergay.

02.10.10 at 12:43 pm

Alonzo Moseley

Fuck you, BDD, you fat fucking Exeter prep school faggot:

Frank Burns: That pervert is not fit to serve!
Trapper: Klinger’s not a pervert.
Frank: How do you know?
Trapper: Because I’m one, and he’s never at the meetings.

02.10.10 at 2:30 pm

Vince Clortho

Why choose between the Super bowl and the puppy bowl? In my sports den the big screen got the big game; the four side TV’s, all puppies all the time. Greatest. Superbowl. Party. Ever. I can’t believe it took me until the sixth year to discover the greatness of the Puppy Bowl. Thank god animal planet ran it on a loop all day. The kitty half time show can eat a dick though, fuck cats and the people who own them.

The lyrics to “Suicide is Painless” were also featured in one episode of MASH. It was sung by one of the characters during the show. Would have brought that American Idol douchebag to tears. Good times…

Fuck everyone who hates MASH. Feel free to hate Alan Alda though. I still prefer to think of him as “Hawkeye”.

02.10.10 at 3:38 pm

SavetoFavorites

M*A*S*H occupies that bizarre realm of sitcoms from 1970’s and 1980’s that induced suicidal thoughts within minutes of them coming on the screen.

The mysteries, however, kinda kicked ass. When I was a sick-day-having 8-year-old, I wanted to be Jim Rockford.

/Or Bob Barker
//Upon further review, DEFINITELY Bob Barker.

05.13.10 at 1:51 pm

pinkpagoda

If you were home “sick from school” in the 80s – then you are way too young to get it, and you don’t have the right to comment on M*A*S*H. You didn’t live through Viet Nam, your music sucks (Only the music of the 70s will live forever), your television shows were the worst ever (Valerie’s Family, Chips, Different Strokes and One Day at a Time…. Really? You think these are classics?), and you have NO original opinions about ANYTHING! M*A*S*H was and is a great television show, and your puny opinion won’t change that. Try to keep up, I know I’m using complete sentences without “fuck” being every other word, but still… try.

Your opinion on M*A*S*H is about as relevant as your opinion on…. Oh well, nothing!

I GOT BUDDIES WHO DIED FACE DOWN IN THE MUCK SO THAT YOU AND I COULD ENJOY THIS FAMILY RESTAURANT!