My brokenness. That looked like an empty womb. Month after month, year after painful year, of seeing negative pregnancy tests. It was failed infertility treatments and a really broken heart and tired body.

If you're new around here, you're probably thinking, "What the heck is a Gotcha Day?"

People call it different things, Adoption Day, Gotcha Day, but basically it's a day of celebration! We celebrate Gotcha Days around here because those are the days our children officially became ours. We were INCREDIBLY privileged and blessed that our kid's birth mom allowed us to not only be in the delivery room with each of them, but they both came straight to me, and I cut their cords. Those two moments, watching them both take their first breaths into this world, are ones I will literally cherish forever.

Before we went home from the hospital, their brave birth mama, relinquished rights, and they were placed into our family. At that moment, we were legally their guardians. In our state, we had to wait at least 90 days before we would get a court date for adoption. So when we celebrate Gotcha Days, we are celebrating the day our children officially became Satterfield's forever.

You have ended your many adventures for this day. After a few "no's" and maybe some bribing to read the "bear book" from me, you're sleeping sweetly.

You're 21 months old and you talk ALL. THE. TIME! You still have the squishiest cheeks, and your leg rolls melt my heart. You are learning to serve, but 100% like to do things yourself. You throw things in the trash can, even if they don't belong there, like my phone. We've also started talking about the potty. And you like to throw things in there too.

You unload the dishwasher and put the Tupperware away in the cabinet. But twenty minutes later, I can find you also pulling Tupperware out of the cabinet. I finally gave up organizing it, because if I do, you somehow reorganize right after me.

You've recently found a love for stickers, and I have found, "ofphia (Sofia the First)" stickers everywhere. Like under the counter, in between the couch cushions, and on your sippy cups.

You love to dance. Daddy laughs at you and prays you don't get my dancing skills. I, of course, think they're fabulous! We dance in the kitchen a lot together, you and me. You are OBSESSED with outside. We have to spell that word around you so you don't run for the door.

You are learning all about the world. You amaze me how you figure things out so quickly. Yesterday, you fell and got your first boo-boo. You didn't even cry! You just looked at your very skinned knee and said, "whoa!" Everyday I hear you say a new word, and your personality is so big. It brightens any room and you fill the others around you with such joy!

And although you can lay out in the middle of World Market and have a tantrum with the best of them, you are my girl, my baby, and the answer to a thousand prayers.

You'll never know how badly you were wanted. I dreamed of you. I begged Daddy for you. I wished so deeply for you. There isn't a night of rocking you to sleep, that I don't think about rocking in that same chair waiting for you. You are better than anything I could have imagined. And because of you, my sweet girl, I know Him more.

What I really want you to know, is how your heart is growing. You say no and sit in time out. You throw your food off your high chair and it drives me crazy! And when I give you a bath, every.single.night. you pour water all over me, and laugh. But even in your almost two year old tantrums, your heart is learning to love. You care deeply and are sensitive to others around you even now. And I have never been more proud.

We pray every night after we read ten thousand "gooks." Sometimes when I'm extra tired from loving you and your brother all day, I forget. And you look up at me with your beautiful brown eyes, your paci in your mouth and say, "Shejus mommy." And we pray to Jesus.

Being your mommy is the best thing I've ever done. But, Selah, He is my favorite. He is the beautiful One. He is safe and kind and so many things our words will never be able to explain. He's breathtaking sometimes, and in the same breath, impossible to understand. He is the very best part of life. There is no life apart from Him.

And more than anything in me, I want you to know Him. The responsibility of shepherding your heart, some days, it overwhelms me. And as much as I hate it, I am going to mess up being your mommy. Just as you are doing so many firsts, they are also firsts for me too. Your daddy and I are trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Some things we will do really great, and some things we will do horribly wrong, but we will never stop telling you about Him. And we just really want you to know Him.

Like really know Him. I want you to smell Him. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I think He smells like cinnamon, like home. But I want you to decide that for yourself. I want you to hear Him. That soft whisper in the depths of your heart, and then sometimes it's a big shout right in front of your face. I want you to listen when He tells you things. When He shares parts of Himself with you, or when He lets you into the lives of others. I want you to see Him. I want you to see what He's doing in your life, and even when you can't, I want you to see through eyes of faith, and know He is working.

I want you to be captured by Him, overwhelmed, and lost in Who He is. I want you to stay close to Him. Your whole life long.

I may fail at everything else, like completely flop. But sweet girl, I will not stop teaching you about Him. He is life. And there is no life without Him in it.

And although you are lost in sweet dreams, He is there, even now singing over you. He knows every curly hair on your sweet head, He knows every detail of your precious life, and He's counted all of your days. He's there, Selah, waiting for you to know Him. Waiting for Him to become your Papa, like He is mine. He is always there.

Grace While We Wait

Hey there! I'm so glad you're here. This is one of my absolute favorite spaces. I'm Jessica, wife to my life-crush and mama to two through the miracle of adoption. I'm learning how to walk in my identity as the Father's daughter and finding Him in the hidden, secret places. Go grab a cup of coffee and come join me!