2016 was not a good year

I know. I know. A lot of people complain how bad 2016 was. However, for some people, it really wasn’t a good year. Such is the case for my year.

It started with Giuliano being laid off from his job that he had for less than a year. He had to pay back part of his sign-on bonus and got no severance. The short version is that work dried up in the entire region for what my husband does. It was an overhire that lead to a layoff. With the month notice he gave him, Giuliano went job hunting. Meanwhile, I went into a complete panic trying to figure out how to make ends meet on my much lower salary. I even got a recommendation to a bankruptcy attorney should we have to do the worst. I was just trying to figure out how to keep the house, pay bills associated with the house, Giuliano’s car, gas, and food. I kept number crunching over and over desperate to hold on to what we had. Because frankly if we had to move, we would not be able to take all of our cats with us. (Try to find a place that takes 5 cats.) Fortunately, Giuliano did find another job, but the panic feeling took a while to wear off.

Then a couple of long time friends of mine suddenly lost their father. I’ve been glad to be there to support them, but feel terrible about them having to go through this. Having just lost my father the prior year, the feelings were still close to the surface. I could relate to their feelings all too well.

Then the Monday before Thanksgiving, the company Giuliano was working for decided to switch everyone to hourly. As such there were no longer twice yearly raises, and the amount earned per hour went down. So Giuliano took a big pay cut. It was painful for both of us because we didn’t even get a whole year’s breather before the rug was pulled out again. That completely screwed us financially for any plans for Thanksgiving, my birthday and Christmas. (Not the first time my birthday got screwed over, but each additional time it happens gets more frustrating.) This forced Giuliano to go job hunting yet again to try to regain lost income. He started a new job this year.

I had some major dental issues this year. One back molar developed a crazy amount of decay between cleanings and I had to get it crowned before needing a root canal. Another molar had decay as well, but not as bad. I tried to wait until the first crown was paid off, but I found out in early December that it was too late. A nerve was dying. So, in the end, I got my first root canal after all.

While all of this was going on, I was dealing with a someone (long-time relationship) who had been on and off toxic with me. Well, the relationship switched to toxic again and turned it up to maximum. They repeatedly called me when I told them I was not available. They called when I was having dinner (on a Sunday night), when I was in bed, when I just fell asleep, when I was spending time with my husband, and so on. They also called me during times when I could not pick up at that exact moment for one reason or another. And every time they got my answering machine they left me a very angry and hurtful message. They accused me of not wanting to talk to them (when I was unable to), and that I did not care at all. (Note: They didn’t say I didn’t care about them, they accused me of being completely uncaring.) I kept reaffirming my boundaries, reminding them when I was available to talk. When I was available, but I could not pick up right away, I explained why. All of that was not enough for them. It was all inexcusable.

The relationship was reaching it’s breaking point and then finally crossed a line. I was called by them on Father’s Day. It was the first Father’s Day since my father’s passing that I had been able to reflect on the meaning of that day. I pondered what this day would mean for me the rest of my life. I was missing and mourning my father all over again. I couldn’t leave the house because seeing fathers with their children would break what little resolve I had that day. I wasn’t taking calls from anyone, needing to be by myself and my memories. But as I said they called. I didn’t pick up, since I told them I would not be available to talk, and they yelled at me again. On Father’s Day. This person knew how much my father meant to me. Everyone who knows me does. It didn’t matter to them. What mattered is that I wasn’t talking with them, comforting them. Not one word of support or comfort was offered for me. My father wasn’t even mentioned. It was all “me, me, me.” Even worse they said me being busy was no excuse to not talk with them. I was done. I went no contact with them.

Since then I have been mourning yet another lost relationship. Sometimes I remember the angry messages they left me, especially on Father’s Day, and I break down and cry. It still happens even now. The wounds are still too deep. I am in disbelief that I was treated this way on what is a very sacred day to me now. I’m hurt that I would be repeatedly accused of being uncaring when I have been nothing but supportive of this person. I was supportive to the point that I completely forgot about some things I needed to do. I forgot to check Deviantart for messages for the majority of the year. I forgot about the support group meetings that I was attending. I forgot to print out monthly calendars. I completely forgot about things I never forgot about before, and I’m never like that. It’s like that whole time didn’t exist, and that I as a person did not exist, and that scares the shit out of me.

Despite all that I did a lot of reading. It makes me wonder if bad times cause me to read more in order to escape reality and stresses for a while. A somber thought.

There were some good things, mostly about movie releases. Deadpool, Doctor Strange, Moana, Star Wars, etc. It helped for another escape. Also, Giuliano and I managed to scrape some money together to have a vacation at some spot not too far away, but an area we had not explored yet. We tried local places to eat, took a tour of a cave, and just went sight seeing. Again it was a nice break from the stressed we both went through.

But the whole forgetting myself, not doing things, well it’s caused me to want to be more organized this year. I’ve started writing down things I’ve done so I can look back and feel accomplished. Goals of last year, which never had a chance to be tackled with all the mess, are having to be put back on for this year. I’m trying to take care of myself, and of course my husband, this year. There will be some challenges. (I have to tackle cooking. I only know the basics.) So my goals aren’t completely stress-free, but I’m hoping I can manage everything and come back better on the other end of this year.