Monday, March 31, 2014

You can't spell "vernal" without the "ernal."

It must be spring! I know this because there are warning signs. Firstly, there are the seasonal allergies. Secondly, there are the Spring Classics--or at least the semi-classics, like Gent-Bubblegum or whatever it's called:

There's certainly some decent advice in here, do you really need to carry a toothbrush with you when you ride?

The only reason I can come up with is that you're getting a lot of bugs in your teeth, in which case I'd skip the toothbrush altogether and just ride in one of these:

But the most springiest springy thing of all is Cat 6 racing, and here's how it goes down. First, someone's Cat 6-dar locks onto you in the park:

Then, when you slow down for some pedestrians, the opponent you don't know you have suddenly announces "Passing!"

"Not caring!," you don't care enough to reply.

Then, when you start up again, you pass your opponent without trying, at which point they give you a look of utter incredulity:

Finally, they put their head down and give it everything they've got to close the gap:

None of which you are aware of until much later, because you've got a camera on your seatpost.

Incidentally, on this very ride I was meeting someone in Central Park (I have a lucrative sideline selling doping agents to local club riders, don't tell the CRCA), and because it was raining I stood under this thing to wait:

As I loitered, a group of fixie riders assembled, and I suddenly realized I was bearing witness to real-life Red Hook Crit riders, in town for the "big race:"

Have you ever seen actual professional amateur fixie-bike racers in the flesh before? I can assure you it's quite exhilarating:

So much so that I took this incredibly "meta" team photo:

(A photo of someone taking a team photo.)

Then I had each one of them autograph my chest with a Sharpie, and I promise you I'll never wash my torso again--at least until the tattoo is applied. It'll look great with this one:

Thanks Snob, I feel like much less of a nerd now. At least until you mentioned the toothbrush thing. I do carry one on one of my bikes. It has this goofy 2-speed, British-designed derailleur that gets clogged up with road grit every time it rains, which is pretty much all the time where I live. To be fair, it never rains in England, so how would they know? Oh wait, I am a nerd.

Confession time: I wear my sunglasses under my helment straps. I find it to be more comfortable and it means that I can doff my helment without having to first doff my sunglasses.

I also freely admit that I am a big stoopid fred. But anyone who thinks that they look cool in their bike gear, regardless of sunglasses over or under straps, is just plain idiotic. And nothing screams "FRED" like thinking that you look good in your bike gear.

What about VAMPS? You've got tramps, ramps, gramps, but the vamps are not represented!

Izzat a BSNYC cap on yer tatt? Cause someone blacked out all the letters. Just sayin.

And OH YAY!! Thank you, anonyhater. Gotta love that you insist on putting me on the podium via proxy. I was a bit late to the game cause I was on my bike, trying to get a good few km in before the day really gets underway. Plus I didn't have any dope. Guess that makes this an AYHLMPC moment. Nice.

But there's always a silver lining. You already KNOW that I am happy to accept any and all podium kisses... any time, any place. :D

JB - for the record, I never said that I care how anybody wears their sunglasses. Over the straps, under the straps, half-n-half - whatever makes you feel comfortable. What i do care about and what I do find to be completely asinine is that there are some people who believe that we cyclists should adhere to some fashion code and that those who don't adhere to the fashion code are "freds." In my opinion, the real freds are the people who take themselves and cycling too seriously. Believing that cool dude cycling gear is actually fashionable seems to be part in parcel for those assholes who take themselves and cycling too seriously.

My sunglasses are prescription, and if I wear them over the helmet straps, it stretches out the arms until they are loose like a dockside hooker. Therefore, I commit a cardinal fashion sin, but I feel a slight sense of shame about it.

For the benefit of you noobs, I believe that this law was laid down in BSNYC's very first post evah in June of 2007.

A cardinal (or at least episcopal) roadie style sin, would seem to be training in a shirt without a "team" name on it. The same seems rapidly to be becoming true for tights, long and short.

Another signal style violation is offering any sort of greeting when overtaking incrementally on an empty road. When overtaken in Fredly silence, I always offer a loud and cheerful compliment on the overtaker's appearance and athleticism.

I'm a glasses under the helment straps kind of guy after determining, through rigorous testing, that it works better for me. As Freddy says " I can doff my helment without having to first doff my sunglasses." Since no one else is dressing me, I get to wear whatever I want.

Also: Babs, I'm still waiting for my second place podium kisses from last week. Sure it was a minor stage in a not even semi-classic blog post, but nevertheless, I'm owed. Definitely wear the boots, please.

When I am overtaken in Fredly silence, I usually say something like "What's up douche?" Sometimes I'll see the helmet turn slightly to the side as if they're thinking "Did I just hear what I think I heard?"

No one has ever interrupted their "important" "training" to correct me however.

Ghent Bubblegum's finish was marred by neo-pro Clint Sedopack sitting up to rearrange his glasses after being called out by numerous riders, "hey, kiddo, glasses OVER the strap". Lost control and took out 50 riders with 2K to go. Tragically, several riders are lost for the upcoming Tour of Flubbers.

Snobby, the reason that you should always carry a toothbrush while riding in NYC, is that if you get pulled over by New York's finest, and get thrown into the hoosegow, you can always turn it into a shank, to protect your "posterity"..

Mcfly, I've always gotten the impression that you are sopissedyerincapacitated. Case in point, your comment at 1:18 reveals that you are bilingual, which is particularly impressive given that Strine is such a difficult second language to master.

Clara is leaving from Quebec City and will be biking another 209 km today over the rugged terrain towards her new destination of Saguenay. Learn more about Saguenay and what she will be doing there. https://livingalpha.com/journal/a-unique-visit-in-saguenay-for-olympic-athlete-clara-hughes

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!