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WHINERSANDLOSERS: Defeat, as we’ve been told a million times, is always an orphan, whereas victory has at least a thousand fathers, Disneyland dads every one of them. With the City of Santa Barbara elections just one week ago, I’d say let the paternity suits begin. I know a lot of people who are paid a lot of money to think they’re really smart will insist that the big loser in this year’s election was Randall van Wolfswinkel, the one-time ‘Cito rat and full-time Texas gazillionaire who wasted close to $700,000 on behalf of his slate of conservative candidates and Measure B, the building heights initiative. If your only metric is dollars and cents, the smarty-pants crowd would have a point. After all, B-which Randall bankrolled to the max-managed to snatch the unlikeliest of defeats from the jaws of absolutely certain victory, losing in all but five of the city’s 27 precincts. (And even that understates how pitifully B did; in one of the precincts where B prevailed, only one ballot was cast.)

Angry Poodle

The really big story-which absolutely no one (not even myself) has had the guts to mention-has to do with the unrivaled political domination exerted by those crafty and canny Unitarians for the past 28 years. Most people think of Unitarians with patronizing fondness. And why not? They seem so mild-mannered and well-intentioned. Males of the species think nothing of sporting fanny packs in public. But that’s all a ruse. It wasn’t too long ago that Unitarians boasted some of the most lurid sex scandals in town. When it’s comes to politics, the Unitarians have run a ruthlessly mean machine. And no one even knew they’re there. By contrast, the much vaunted Women’s Political Committee is all show and no go. The big-muscled labor unions we hear so much about are all dough and no throw. And the Democratic Party-whose recent exploits have been the stuff of considerable hyperventilation-has been taken over by a pack of Che Guevara wannabes who make a point of pronouncing “Santa Barbara” with a store-bought muy autentico Spanish accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah; all these groups ran really impressive get-out-the-vote efforts and saved our collective bacon. I suppose they-and the candidates themselves-can take serious credit for the highest voter turnout in a city election since 1989. Forty-nine percent is nothing to sneeze at, especially in the days of swine flu. But were it not for the gratuitously sleazy campaign bankrolled by van Wolfswinkel, a lot of people wouldn’t have had anything to vote against. Strategically, van Wolfswinkel’s campaign was designed to depress voter turnout. But this being Santa Barbara, it had just the opposite effect.

When you look at political effectiveness- decade-in and decade-out-no one can rival the boa constrictor-like hegemony the Unitarians have enjoyed over City Hall. Every mayor since 1981 has been a Unitarian. Think about it: Sheila Lodge, Harriet Miller, and Marty Blum, card-carrying Unitarians all. And who did they really answer to-

the Santa Barbara voters who elected them? Or to some shadowy Unitarian pope sequestered in a bucolic bastion of secular enlightenment somewhere in Vermont? Do Unitarians even have a pope? The fact we don’t know demonstrates just how insidiously crafty they really are. The one non-Unitarian to actually win election to mayor in all this time was poor Hal Conklin. And look at what happened to him: By the time he could wrap his fingers around the mayoral gavel, he was unceremoniously tossed from office. The pretext, of course, was that his candidacy violated the city’s term limits ordinance. The political mythology now accepted as historical fact is that Conklin’s “victory” was challenged in court by a smart, quirky, and disagreeable libertarian who wore an Abraham Lincoln beard and-on occasion-an Uncle Sam hat. Libertarians make the most convenient fall guys. They have elevated smugness down to such an ideological art form that no one likes them, least of all other libertarians. That’s why they’re always crashing other people’s parties. As power plays go, the political decapitation of Conklin’s career was beautifully conceived and elegantly executed. Hal took the hit, the libertarians took the heat, and the Unitarians maintained their place in the driver’s seat.

Age takes its toll on even the most successful of shadow governments, and the Unitarian reign has ended with a pathetic whimper. None of the major mayoral candidates were part of the fold. Dale Francisco claims no religious affiliation, and his bristly asceticism is rooted in a passion for fiscal austerity. Religiously, Mayor-Elect Helene Schneider is both spiritual mutt and secular Jew. With those credentials, she could smoothly transition into the Unitarian Party, which Schneider has already been advised would be a shrewd political move. To her credit, she don’t roll that way. Steve Cushman could easily have been a Unitarian. After all, he writes poetry and collects homeless art. But, as we were all shocked to learn, Steve-under his guise as Capo de Tutti at the Chamber of Commerce-actually was a double agent for the Kremlin. No wonder he did so poorly.

Nothing illustrates the flailing decrepitude of this once-mighty machine like Measure B. All the Unitarian mayors and ex-mayors lined up solidly behind B, which breathlessly promised to stop skyscrapers from devouring our downtown. Talk about a solution for which there was no imminent threat. Regardless of the merits, Measure B should have been a slam dunk given the breadth and depth of public support. But B, having little to no campaign of its own, found itself riding the wake of van Wolfswinkel’s money machine. When van Wolfswinkel refused to show his face-cowardice masquerading as discretion-former mayor Sheila Lodge, the penultimate Ubertarian, defended him to one and all. Big mistake. Not since Baltimore Colt immortal Johnny Unitas-the greatest quarterback in the history of the universe-fizzled out his career with the hapless San Diego Chargers have we seen such a sad end to so glorious a run.

In some quarters, the cry is: “The queen is dead; long live the queen.” But in my neighborhood, the real question remains, “Who’s your daddy?”

As a Unitarian I must say I am deeply... amused by the AP. If Helene isn't a Unitarian in the making I'll eat my secret codebook. Seriously, though, I would say the actual congregation was split down the middle on B, personally I was on the negatory side. But to get three Unitarians to agree on anything is like herding cats so no surprises there.

A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, "My kitty cat died."

The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, "I know you're sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus."

The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, "What would Jesus want with a dead cat?"

Presumably, "the Queen is dead, long live the Queen" refers to the ascendance of the ancient Mrs Flacks who did her damndest -and successfully! - to defeat Measure B and to make sure there would be no cooperative communication with the heights limit people. However, she who laughs last, laughs best....

LOL, best laugh I've had all day! Second best was AP's tongue-in-jowl take on the local power of Unitarianism.

I'm still of the opinion Van Wolfswinkel's support for Measure B was more a convenient way to confuse the voters than anything else. I'd opine it partly worked (I'd also love to know how many septuagenarian SBNP subscribers voted for Hotchkiss and Self). Measure B might have been closer to the heart of Randy's buddy and campaign coordinator, John Wallace (the guy who didn't want the proposed 3-story mixed-use project at the 76 Station on Olive Mill Rd).

FightWoo: With all due respect, the vast majority of Unitarian Universalist churches do not recognize ordination by the Universal Life Church (which is not affiliated in any way with the Unitarian Universalist Association). To become an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister or reverend requires at least a Master's of Divinity from an accredited university.

As to the article, it's definitely entertaining! As an organization, the Unitarian Universalists in America do not answer to a central authority. We are democratic, and all policies are dictated by a majority vote. Each congregation is given a number of votes based on its membership and is asked to vote on policies as opposed to submitting to a central authority.

No problem: His name would be Lee Lee, similar to Ling Ling or Lang Lang. And there's Lee Bill Hackett; Ooops, that's right, that democratic group kicked him out of their church, uhhh, society a couple of years ago.

Was it as lurid as Rev. Weinstein's "pillar of the church" parishioner Richard Buell being convicted of forcibly raping a couple of preteen girls, including "a female family member" who was most likely one of his grand-daughters?

Was it as lurid as U*U minister Rev. Mack Mitchell's forcible rape of teenaged Tibetan refugees who he lured from India to his parish in Northboro MA with promises of a new and better life in America?

And did Santa Barbara Unitarians *really* boast about this lurid sex scandal?

I wouldn't put it past *some* utterly shameless Unitarians to actually boast about their sex scandals. . . In fact I know some Unitarians who would probably take it as a compliment if one accused them of having no shame.

" I'm an Ordained Minister in the Unitarian church. All you need is a working email address."

FightWoo: You are a liar. (or you are unintentionally mistaken and, if that is the case, I apologize for calling you a liar and ask you to please make sure you have your facts right before you make false statments such as this one.)

I am a lifelong Unitarian Universalist and at one point looked into going into the ministry myself. You must receive a MDiv degree from an accredited and recognized institution in order to be an ordained Unitarian Universalist Minister. In addition to the degree, you must go through an extensive process (which can take years) before you are ordained.

No one is ordained in the "Unitarian Church," they are ordained by the Unitarian Universalist Association.

The author of the article should have at least done a google search on 'Unitarian' before writing this piece. The headquarters of the UUA is in Boston, MA and not Vermont. There is no supreme leader with Pope-like authority and a large majority of UU congregations do not even call themselves 'Church,' many use the term 'fellowship,' 'covenant,' or 'society.'

I am sure that there are many cities across the country, both large and small, where the Mayorship for the past 100+ years has been held by protestants.

There is no Unitarian party. The idea of a homogeneous political agenda, viewpoint or ideology among UU's or UU congregations goes against the very core belief of UUism.

There is no such thing as a card-carrying Unitarian. It is not a political party or special interest group. There is no requirement that you hold a certain dogmatic view, donate a certain percentage of your salary or vote in a certain way in order to be a Unitarian Universalist. I do not remember the last time that I attended a UU service but I am just as much a UU as someone who attends weekly.

This article reminds me of an article that I read years ago which claimed that Unitarians have no right to protest war because they do not serve in the military. Both authors had not done their research and had their facts totally wrong (Though this article was not written with the malice that the other article was) I found that other article especially interesting as I was in the U.S. Marine Corps at the time and new the son of the UUA President at that time who was in the service as well.

So, finally, I will step down off of my soap box and stop writing. I do not understand this article and wish to express my disappointment in the misrepresentation of Unitarian Universalism by the author who i feel, based on this article, has the research skills of a second grader. For even a second grader knows how to look up basic facts on Google or in Wikipedia.

VonGoghsEar--humor, irony, get it? Most Unitarians I know have a well-developed sense of humor....

And the person claiming a mail-order ordination is not the author of the article. Probably s/he was mistaking the Universal Life Church for the Unitarians. Universal Life has been "ordaining" people by mail order for about 40 years. It's a great convenience if you want your best friend to perform your wedding ceremony and s/he happens to be missing the requisite credentials.