Friday, April 18, 2003

so it's passover. i should say something profound.
um.
well, i went shopping today. i bought possibly the most bizarre item of clothing i've ever owned. it makes me exceedingly happy (ask me to show it to you. hell, ask to borrow it) at the same old place, of course, where the owner says Wow you've got a haircut! with the same resentment that always hangs around her words, like air quotes. actually my haircut has garnered more praise than i could possibly have expected. how wise i was to get it done the day of my last performance: i could coast on it for the next few weeks and compliments could gently phase out of my life rather than simply not be there one morning when i woke.

at the seder, one of my parents' dazed family friends approached me and said words to that effect. actually, her exact words were, "oh darling. oh you look so nice. you know, when i first saw hilary clinton, i didn't think much of her, i didn't think she was going places. but look at her now! she's really pulled it all together and she just looks fabulous." then she beamed beatifically at me.
this is the same woman who, at a similar event when i was 13, approached me when i was standing with a good friend. "hold on to your innocence, girls," she told us firmly. "it's all you have. and when it's gone, it's gone."

my mother puts on two seders every year. every year they're planned and orchestrated perfectly. she cooks for 23 or 24, everyone eats off china, we read the same haggadah (published 1975. the only woman anywhere to be found in it is the barren woman who at one point god makes the happy mother of children -- hallelujah!). my grandfather leads. we read the four questions in three languages. as each of my brothers and i passed through fourth grade the same wonderful teacher taught us to recite them in yiddish. it got a standing ovation when my older brother first did it, lo these many years ago. when i did it, it brought tears to my grandmother's eyes. when my little brother did it, everyone found it charming -- and he's been doing it every year, ever since.

seders over with, today we've been eating leftover passover candy and we went as a family to see christopher guest's newest A Mighty Wind. i can't remember the last thing i went to with a group that big -- and it made everyone laugh. also it made up my mind about applying to the phoenix (stupid newspaper) next semester for my old position. i want an excuse to see a movie a week, it's as simple as that.

there is a whole entry to be written about identity and being actively rather than de facto something or other, but i think for now i'll wander downstairs, eat more matza, and watch more directtv.