Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Comic Book Heroes & Movie Dreams

I've always had a weird relationship
with comic books. The only one I ever cared about when I was little
was this issue of Ren & Stimpy, since I was completely obsessed
with the show. (To this day, I still refer to Ren Hoek as one of my
totem animals and a have a weakness for shivery little dogs with bad
attitudes. Oh, and Billy West.) As I got into my late teens, I
discovered Neil Gaiman's “Sandman” comics, thanks to some hip
friends, and really enjoyed that. My college years were littered with
interests in the old underground comics (including landing a repro of
an old issue of “Zapp”), the uber-fantastic Dame Darcy and Daniel
Clowes. (Again, the last two all thanks to having some friends with
good taste.) At one point, I even worked at a comic book store, were
I was more immersed in the world of superheroes and skin-tight suits
than, say, the alt-comics of “Love & Rockets” and Jhonen
Vasquez.

The job, due to non-comic book
reasons, was horrible, but it was interesting to get a close up view
of the culture around it. It was a mixture of stereotypes (right down
to guys who didn't know how to react to me due to the whole being a
girl-thing) to smart, pseudo-punk rock types. (Including one guy that
tried to best my knowledge about Glen Matlock. It didn't go
well....for him.) Jeweled-toned covers featuring jocular uber-mensch
and tiny waisted heroines with breasts that would make Russ Meyer
faint soon became a part of my daily periphery. This surreal world
was something that would become more of my life later on, as I became
friends with people that were huge comics fans, including one of my
best friends, an ex-boyfriend and my husband, Chuck, who has been
into comics off and on for years and years. (Naturally, he has the
best taste of them all!)

With all of that, I'm still not a huge
fan of the superhero comic world. It's nothing personal and in fact,
I would liken it to the band Tool. I respect them, completely
understand the appeal but I am not personally wooed. I don't mind it
being in my presence but do not be offended if I am secretly pining
for some Hernandez Brothers and Peter Murphy on the stereo. There
are, of course, exceptions and I'm a firm believer in not shutting
yourself off to one genre or the other. You never know what you will
miss. For example, I love “Watchmen” more than Chuck Berry loves
traumatizing groupies and in fact, would easily put the film version
in my top 10 favorites list. Alan Moore is a genius and not only
that, he's my favorite kind of genius--the cranky type.

Now with all of the hype and hoopla
surrounding the 2012 film, “The Avengers,” I think it is high
time for me to pitch out to the world my own personal superhero film.
We are talking a film so cataclysmic in its assemblage, so epic in
scale that it will make tires explode and noses bleed. So here it is,
my veritable dream-team of superheroes. Plot? It's not important
since with a cast like this, all you need to do is simply bask in the
brilliance and watch the screen crack and sizzle.

Without further ado...

Commander USA.

2. Rorschach & The Comedian

3.Yoshi

4. Jon Mikl Thor (aka the only TRUE Thor)

5.Captain Invincible

6. Captain Berlin

7. Vlad the Impaler

8. Lemmy

9. Dali

10. William Howard Taft

Looking at that list, it looks a bit
like “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” meets cirrhosis of
the brain. Well, to quote that old chestnut....I'd rather have a
bottle in front of me, than have to have a frontal lobotomy. Sure,
the resulting film might be technically horrible, but it would be so
captivatingly bad that it becomes brilliant. Let this stew as you go
pay for overpriced popcorn and sit through 80 commercials just to get
to the trailers.