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Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships

Infidelity -issues of actual cheating ON YOU that you have evidence for

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Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships

So you were in a friends-with-benefits situation with Zak and you fucked someone else.

Meanwhile Zak is in a committed long-term relationship with Alice while regularly fucking someone else.

And he is trying to take the moral high ground about you fucking O as an excuse for not ending it with Alice? What balls!

If he was any where near as good a man as you seem to think he is, he would end things with Alice regardless of whether he was sure of you our not. He would end it not to be free to jump into a relationship with you, he'd end it because it's unspeakably cruel on Alice to continue the charade. Yet he doesn't. He continues playing the committed boyfriend to her while cheating on her. Those are not the actions of an honourable man.

You almost seem to be blaming her for her trust in him. If he's that willing to abuse Alice's trust like this, that able to lie to her and cheat on her, why are you so convinced by everything he says to you? Do you not think it's possible he's as willing to lie to you as he is to her? He's obviously very good at it.

He claims that his relationship with Alice is dead. The relationship is so dead that he is entirely willing to lie to her, cheat on her, abuse her trust and walk all over her feelings.

Why is he still with her? He's treating her like shit. OK, he may not be sure about whether he can trust you. He might not be sure if he can get over the thought of you and O together to ever enter into a proper relationship with you. Fair enough, his feelings are his feelings.

But why doesn't he just leave Alice and go and live on his own while he works out what he wants from any future relationship, whether that's with you or not? Why is he so willing to stay with Alice even though the relationship is dead and has no future?

You know, in these kinds of threads you read the original post and form an opinion. As questions get asked and answered, you sometimes realise that your first opinion might have been wrong. Maybe the poster missed out some key details that change the picture significantly. Maybe you misread it and missed out on something important. Maybe you just jumped to the wrong conclusion.

In this case, though, every new detail you reveal about Zak makes it ever clearer that he is a total sleazeball that is just using both you and Alice.

"He does love Alice". He loves her so much that even though he knows infidelity destroyed a previous relationship of hers in the most brutal way, he's perfectly happy to fuck around behind her back.

What does that tell you about his attitude towards women? Why are you so willing to believe what he tells you about his relationship with her and his feelings towards you when you have clear evidence that he lies to women to get what he wants?

No. That is merely the current most convenient and effective excuse for not leaving Alice.

Of course he's not going to leave her. He's happy having his grown-up relationship with Alice while also having a nice young 21yo on the side that he gets to fuck whenever he wants.

Of course, like every other man who's ever had a mistress, he has to come up with a line to convince his mistress to hang around. He has to manufactore a line about why he can't leave the relationship right now, while also dangling enough of a carrot about maybe he will leave the relationship in the future to keep his mistress hanging on.

It just so happens for Zak that the thing about how he's ever so in love with you, but he's not sure about you because of O, is the line that he's found that works well on you. It keeps you dangling and, even better for hi, keeps you trying to prove yourself to him while taking the attention off of his sleazeball behaviour towards Alice.

He's even got you blaming Alice for her being so naive and stupid to believe and trust in him. Words fail me.

He even compares his sadness over the incident getting between our future with his sadness of the recent death of his mother.

There's something in life that you need to learn. Words are cheap. Do not blindly trust what someone says.

If you want to know if someone means what they say then you see if their words match their actions. He says he loves you. He is continuing to live with someone else. His words are not matching his actions. He's lying.

And I bet you a hundred bucks that whenever Alice raises her suspicions about him screwing around behind her back, he cries and punches walls to convince her it's all in her head. You've only got his word that she has no suspicions at all, yet you know he's a very willing and accomplished liar.

Those emotions can be real. It's just all about him losing. Why wouldn't he want both women? Why wouldn't he tell them both he loves them, and truly want them? Why wouldn't he get angry if he was about to lose something, or have his world change where it could hurt?

I bet he'd get pissed if someone stole his car too. If he put a lot into it, he might cry, punch a wall. There's a selfish kind of love, like an infant who cries when nipple is taken away. It doesn't consider the other person. But the emotions are real, not lies.

As you said, she's a good person and very philanthropic. Her taste in men seems to be pretty bad though. Anyway, some people don't let past transgressions of one person rule their future interactions with others.

That's the worst kind of cheating, because he's cheating you out of a future, and you're allowing it to happen. At least Alice's future is fucked not by choice. You're choosing to not only allow your time to be wasted, and heart to be torn to shreds, but you're also doing it to another person.

Alice has to find out. The longer it takes, the more of her time wasted.

You're not in a unique situation at all. Go read, and see all the people in something just like you, believing the same nonsense. Look what happens. It's already scripted for you, because it's been done before, countless times.

You even say the same lines, "the one for me". You're stuck in a bad movie, pretending the ending could be different, just as they did. But it always ends the same.

If you have any respect, for yourself. If you have any integrity as a person. You should leave all of this behind you, and as you're walking away, you drop her a note. She deserves the truth, just as you do.

You were used, by many people in your short story. It is so easy for them, it's like you want to be used. That makes me sad. For someone who valued her virginity, how did this become?

Oh, sweetie. You've described a situation that is really, really ugly in several different ways--and not because of your behavior. These guys both sound like manipulative slimeballs, and Zak is not going to leave Alice for you.

The fourth one is a bonus. Even if you didn't have sex with his cousin, the conclusion would still be the same, that you do not belong with this man, and despite you feeling that, "he's the one for me", he's not.

You're a confused young lady. I hope you walk away from this entire scene, and learn to respect yourself, so you don't fall into similar traps. You never belonged on this pit stop, just pack up and leave.

Just look at #1 and #2. Change it, be stable, and find someone you're attracted to from the start.

Not even taking the fact that you fucked Zak's cousin, the basis of your relationship with Zak is already on rocky ground. I know people can change but if he has a history of cheating and blatant disregard for a significant other's feelings, what makes you think that he wouldn't do the same to you one day? Zak probably loved Alice very much at one point of their relationship.

Its not just him I'd be worried about, but his family as well. His cousins and I'm assuming more of his family know that he is having you on the side. Its like everyone in this story aside from Alice lacks a moral compass.

This will hit the fan when Alice finds out, and she will find out because Zak is a slimeball. The cousin thing is immaterial to the whole thing. The real victim in this isn't you (though you've clearly had a rough time), it's Alice. She's done nothing wrong and you are sleeping with the person who is supposed to be there for her.

Ah, of course the frequent commenter in r/gonewild is the one who feels the need to cry "daddy issues". I certainly hope neither OP nor anyone else in this thread makes the mistake of taking you seriously.

I was okay with what you were saying right up until that last line there.