A collection of personal thoughts and experiences - mostly centered around running.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Anatomy of a "DNF"

Until yesterday, I had never dropped out of a race. I admittedly took pride in this fact, but evidently not an immense amount judging by my end result. No valid excuses. It just wasn't my day, I wasn't having fun, and I quit.

From the beginning, I was "off". A couple pit-stops on the side of the trail made the first couple sections about 10-minutes slower than what I planned, but my head just wasn't in it. I tried every trick in the book to derail my apathy, but nothing seemed to be working. By Edinburg Gap (mile-12), I was tired and not having fun. This was uncharted territory since each of the other four 100's that I've done, the first 50K just flew by.

A few good pukes and several miles lacking fluids put me at the 50K mark at Elizabeth Furnace well off my planned pace and in a depleted state. I talked of pulling the plug there, but my crew would not hear of it. I told them I'd run to Shawl, but that I didn't think I had 70 more miles in me that day. I somewhat hesitantly regrouped at the aid-station (mainly to appease my crew) and got myself physically ready to go on. To make what could be a long story short, my crew spurred me along since I was certainly mentally and physically fit to continue -- all the way to Camp Roosevelt, mile 63.9 (around 14hrs 30min). That's where I ended the needless mental suffering of a race gone wrong.

I finished MMT in 21:37 in '08 and 22:39 in '09. I am proud of those finishes, but I know that I can run much faster. I came into the race this year with the plan to run at least faster than I ever had. I had no plan-B in place though. When things went bad early on, I think I checked out mentally. Actually, I know I checked out mentally. End of story, but a lesson learned . . . the anatomy and physiology of a Did Not Finish -- it was all between my ears. I just didn't want it enough.

I am absolutely fine with my decision to drop -- which somewhat dumbfounds me. I am embarrassed by my failure and egotism exhibited by quitting because "I'm not having fun and not running a good race." I feel that what could be taken as a depressingly negative result though, will only be fuel for the fire next go round.

Thanks to my friends Clay and Caitlin Warner for giving their time and effort to help me and of course my wife Kadra who is always there for me. I'm sorry that I didn't come through for the three of you. I owe you a mega-effort next time!

21 comments:

Adam No shame! Your accomplishments are too many to feel badly about what was probably a good decision. Think injury avoidance. I thought about you all weekend, and wondered how you did. I'm sitting here ar 0540 drinking a cup of coffee getting ready to take my dogs for their morning walk before embarking on what promises to be a very wet and soggy 50k training run today. Mental toughness. At least it's not cold and windy. Hang tough Adam. You're a helluva an athlete. /Jim

Thanks Jim. I hope you had a great run this morning. You're out there on a morning when most folks wouldn't be -- these are bonus miles! It is inspiring to me to witness how seriously you've attacked the training regimin for Highlands. I am very excited to be there and witness your experience.Thanks again for the kind words and I'll see you soon.

Adam, sorry to meet you under such weird circumstances last Saturday! I must take issue with the idea of "my failure and egotism exhibited by quitting ...". Those are strong words! Somedays will be good days; other days will be bad ones. Not every race you run will be a PR. Humbly, I wouldn't personalize it nor beat up on yourself over it. It simply means on that given day, your heart wasn't in it, for whatever reason. As any good ultra runner does, you will dust yourself off, and reload on the mental mojo to fire yourself up for the next race. MMT 2012 is already in the past ...

Thanks Phil. Maybe egotism is the wrong word. Sometimes I feel incredibly selfish with all my running endeavors - this failure just compounded the selfish feelings. Hey, I'm just glad I finally got to shake your hand. The most precious piece of the ultrarunning puzzle for me is the amazing folks I would have otherwise most likely never met. You're one of the greats for sure. Thanks for the encouragement and I hope that we get to hang-out sometime.

No worries, man, it happens to all of us! At least you're healthy and can think of it as a nice 14 hour training run for another big race coming up. Sorry you missed out on your goal this time, but you'll have plenty more chances to keep impressing us all in the coming months. Here's to your health and your future Rebound Races!!

Hi Adam, I have to second Phil on this one. I’ll even argue, from personal experience, that a disappointing DNF is a great opportunity to learn and become a better runner. I think you have pretty much figured out the key question: why aren’t you having fun while racing anymore? Now you just have to find the answer.

We had a blast hanging out with you two! Plus I do think that it definitely gave Clay a taste of what can happen during one of these longer races. Slugging through 5 more miles even when you don't want to is a lot different than slugging through 50. Hope we can join you for another race soon and we will see you at Highlands!

Hey Adam, it sounds like it just wasn't your day. There is no shame in not finishing, in fact it shows your wisdom and maturity as a runner. Now, what is next? Are you thinking about about another 100 this summer or some R&R? Burning River is at the end of July.

I'm not sure what's next. ?? The good thing is that my legs are fine just two days later. Another 100 isn't out of the question, but I'm just going to have to think on it. A multi-day solo adventure in July may be in the cards.

Adam, It was great seeing you at Veach Gap. You're always a pleasure to talk to and Saturday was no exception even though you weren't having a good day.

While I am very impressed by anyone who has never DNFed (and those who have only done it once), I think you learn the most from failures. So now you know how it feels to succumb to the mental blahs, just think of it as one more tool in your belt for next time.

Well, I've had my share of DNF's, but I did NDF one Mohican cuz "I wasn't having any fun" so I do know about that..I'd heard via trail gossip that you were not having a good day out there.It certainly doesn't hurt to step off the trail and regroup.

I would like to recommend the Laurel Highlands Trail June 9, since you're all trained up, just 70.5 miles. I think you would really like the trail!

Thanks Kimba. Yes. I've already been thinking about Laurel Highlands. I've always wanted to do it . . . I even have the day before off, but b/c it's Kadra's birthday and I OWE HER BIG for all she did for me last year on the AT. LH most likely won't be in the cards this year.

Life happens sometimes. You did what was best for you in that moment and that's all that matters.

Now, if you ever feel like Wasatch or the Bear 100, feel free to give a shout! We're moving to Ogden in early July. You, Kadra, and Casseday-to-be are welcome (our newest family member arrives Thanksgiving-ish..).

Wendy - That is great news that you're moving to Ogden. Such a cool area. I'd LOVE to come out and run Wasatch. We just might show up on your doorstep next September!Take care and hope to see you soon.

Great run Adam. As I've told you before, you're my favorite front runner and I always hope for your success. But the failures are valuable too as you've demonstrated.I love reading reports from runners at the front. Then again, I love reading reports from the back and the middle too.