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OK, so I know I am powerless. I also know my past still effects me. As a Mom, Grandma, woman, I feel like I am over protective at times.

Today: My daughters, mother-in-laws boyfriend was coming to pick up my Grandaughter to spend the night. The Great Grandparents were supposed to be with the boyfriend ( mother-in-law is working until 4pm) Boyfriend calls and he was lost but close by and informs my daughter that he is alone because great grandparents had other plans. I asked my daughter please ....I'll babysit....just bring her over to her grandmas when she gets out of work. My daughter said she trusts the boyfriend. I am sick to my stomach that this man is alone with my grandaughter for the next 4-5 hours. Am I crazy???? I don't want to force my negative feelings or what has ever happened to me in the past BUT this is SAFETY when you don't know someone too well. WTF!!!! I am fuming mad and sick to my stomach. I can only pray and YES I know it's out of my hands. She is only my grandaughter. She is so precious.

I am SO ANGRY and upset. I understand I am not her Mom BUT I thought I taught my daughter to always think safety especially when you don't know someone to well. Yes her Mother-in-law and boyfriend have been together for almost 1 year now, they met online and besides that, I know my daughter and son-in-law don't know him all that well.Am I that messed up for being angry and for letting this situation upset me.

I am so angry now I just want my daughter to move out, what I see bothers me, angrys me, worries me. I don't want to deal with it. It's the parents that tick me off.View Thread

I was always and am "The go-to-babysitter" I have trouble saying no but am going to try to practice it if needed

I have a great relationship with my daughter yet sometimes it's like "DUH".....just not thinking with her noggin at times......She is a great Mom, I am very proud of her, so very proud of her. The day this happened, I tried really hard not to let it bother me but it did. After a few hours, I called my daughter and asked her to atleast call and check up on her. I had to get the numbers for her and she called. I felt a bit better after that. My daughter understood where I was coming from. I expressed to her that parents need a break too but don't ever put a child in a position to benifit your own personal needs, always think of her safety......... I don't think that was bad to say....kind of putting it out there for her to think of....hopefully.

I was venting. I am trying to be careful. I think by what I have expressed in my posts it probably appears I am crazy..... I assure you, I am not perhaps a little bit overloaded LOL YES. I am aware my hands are tied. My daughter & Son-in-law having been living with us for 6 years. During that time was blessed with my grandaughter, who has lived with us her first 3 years plus.

I have seen and heard probably too much. They should be moved out in 1-2 weeks. My husband and I, have mixed emotions. We are excited to have the privacy and our house back LOL We are worried about my daughter and my grandaughter. It's hard not too worry sometimes. I do realize that by them moving out it will give us all that kind of seperation that we need.

O look forward to offering to babysit instead of everyday, everytime they want a cigg or a shower or go to the grocery store...pretty much you name it and they'll ask me to babysit. I say yes even when I do not want to BUT it's on me because I worry about my little pumpkin. I have to learn that it's ok to say NO.....BUT I think this is where maybe my past has something to do with it, I am just not sure. I worry that if they ask me to babysit and I say NO and if something happens....ugh I just ughhhhhhhhhhhh.You see......I am powerless, and I know the reality of this. I am not in control. My fear is real and at times mild or more intense. I cannot save anyone or everyone. Even though i would want to protect....that's me though, ya see I truly do care. I am hypersensitive and safety conscience. My youngest daughter is too trusting with her daughter and it scares the heck right out of me. I am overloaded with a lot of things going on in my life and really trying to assess my own actions, feelings and behaviors. I am truly trying

I am having the ups and downs of life and I have been in the downward spiral. Having a difficult time with my feelings. All kinds of feelings. Isolating more, either, sad, angry, crying, confused. I even feel bad for others if they see me up and down. I feel like I just can't get a grip at times. As much as my husband uses the term "turn it off like a light switch" only if it were that easy for me. I wish.....

Yesterday I started a post and as I was writing, I cried and cried. I then hit delete instead of post. I was a fraid of what people would think of me for being in downer mode. It's a rollercoaster for me and I really am tired of it. I know some things I need to do or I should do BUT I am in the down mode really bad. I just feel too weak, too tired to deal with anything or anyone, I feel burnt out. I can't escape, I am stuck, I have no way out. I am tired of being taken advantage of but it's my fault because I don't set boundaries, I have trouble saying no. No matter any of the things I may have an issue with I always blame myself in the end because of being up and down with my feelings....I can't seem to get a grip. I am tired of fighting because it just seems like NO ONE listens or understands me.Why do I want to be heard? Why is it so important to feel as though I am understood.

Growing up, if I was asked a question and answered it wrong ( not what they wanted to hear) I would be punished. This kept me in fear of speaking up. I have spoke up recently with some family members and my words were on the attack mode I was told. mThings were said people were hurt and angry. I was angry, hateful for days, if anyone would of got in my face, I probably would of popped them one. ( this is not me) Now I feel as though everyone would be better off and I would be better off not calling or talking to them as little as possible. therefore comes more isolation.At this moment, this is my only way to associate and communicate with people until things change in my household. I do not have any other rescources. I have not been anywhere in 2 weeks. It may be months before I get transportation. I feel like I am everyones convienience...........................I am so tired.

Before you reply, I want you to know that today Monday. I am feeling much better. When I had written the above. I was very low.I am trying to refocus. Made a list of things to do, steps to take. Eating, exercise, drinking lots more water ect. Someone to talk to. I am going to refocus on me and I feel very good about this. There are things I want to accomplish in the future and I am so excited about. I am organizing and planning on cleaning, redecorating the house after the kids move out. i am going to make it mine again and oh yeah btw I just got that book "Boundaries" now I have to fit reading in it aswell.

I had a few ah-ha moments since I wrote the above posts. I realize by writing it out and reviewing some things really helped in assessing myself. On top of that, in my other post you suggested for me to "stop" "Whoa" be quiet......well on Saturday someone sent me a necklace and the necklace said "Be Still".........got goosebumps Thank you and the person that sent me that you both are so right, i am being quiet and i am slowly getting agrip, just going about it a little differently.View Thread

I see now, why I brought up my past....atleast I think I do....ya see I never thought I could talk to anyone without getting in trouble because of this, I raised my 2 daughters and in raising them I expressed over and over again. I am here for you, if you ever need to talk about anything, good or bad. I am here.

There have been some times when I was like woah....and she has told me that she has no one else to talk to.

I have also encouraged her to go to counsiling/single & marriage & maybe parenting aswell.

I think it will get better when they move out....I hope. I have to set some boudaries soon and stand firm. Sometimes my stinking thinking, believes she may think of her own needs first before her daughter. OMG I feel awful I just said that....see these are my fears...I need to get through this, I need help to deal with this.View Thread

Paja, thanks. I did respond but on my other post that you replied to. I don't want to do anything wrong or damage anyones relationships. My daughter has told me alot of things TMI and when I hear it my heart pounds my mind fills with worry. Is it normal, is it not. They are moving out soon, I can't wait and then there is the part of me, when I feel my emotions and I think if ever harms her it may be his end.

I agree with you and thank you for your reply. I don't exactly know how to speak up for myself in the moments that gets intense to make an important point ect.. I know things that I should do. No I have not been to the doctors. I have been waiting for my husbands insurance to kick in. It will not go into effect until July.

You wrote: You are ready to stop running and start healing. You know that don't you? The very fact that you are here and reaching out says, I am done, running, I am ready to stand my ground and change things for me

Me: YES, I am ready....I just have to be stronger a little while longer.....it could be a few more months that I have no transportation, no bus line, not even cabs availeable where I live......seriously this is my only way right now. To come on here, hope I make some sense, I care about others. I care about you and you are a stranger with very strong powerful words or wisdom. thank you for your honesty, thank you for replying. I am on overload.

You also reponded to my only other post today. thank you and you are right. On March 2nd we handed over our Marches mrtgage payment to my daughter so her & my son-in-law & grandaughter could get there own place.We made a choice to do this because I just can't live the way we have been living anymore. I need it for my own sanity. My husband & i have become prisoners in our own room, it's like they took over our home. I have asked my daughter to not have conversations outside my bedroom door, because I could hear and I did not want to hear anything anymore. there is another living room and 2 bedrooms and a kitchen.....her reply to me was to plug my ears and what I asked her was not right. It's difficult to live with people when you hear and see all behaviors, good & bad, when you know TMI. When you are here 24/7 and don't know how to get away from things except to go in my room. I have to let go and not be involved, I believe my daughter knows how to take advantage of me. I have been ill, crying and emotional and I asked her to take her daughter with her when she was going to the store. i told my daughter I am just not well and my eyes were welling up and she just argued with me and told me how much she had to do. i am my daughters it. I can't help but worry about her and my grandaughter. I want them to be healthy and happy and work together as a family and prosper and hopeful that all there dreams come true. I do believe by my daughter telling me TMI with her personal relation ship with her husband has me guarded in a way. Some of it is disturbing to me and I think it disturbs me because some of it, to me makes me see red flags.

My desperation is real when it comes to wanting to protect, that I can't help. I am not in control of any other adult, how they speak, feel, be have. I would love to explain some more, maybe it's just me. When I was abused I went to my mother and told her what happened, well put it this way, where I was, was right under there noses and my whole family was looking for me yelling my name, I was not aloud to say a word. When he finally let me out, I went into my house and my mom asked where have you been. I told her. What were you doing?? Hmmmmm it's hard at the age of 5 to know the correct answer to say but i told her what he was doing to me, he as in her father and she slapped me across the face, washed my bottom with soap until it burned and sent me to bed, no dinner, nothing.

WOW where I am is all over the place. I am still going to hit the submit button on this.................it must have to come out..........I want things to be quiet....ya see my mind is constantly going from one thing to another............I am so not crazy...............I guess I just can't stuff or carry anymore.View Thread

Misty, I have been to professionals in the past. After having two deaths in my family with-in 4 months and the event of the arrousal incident, I have had some things resurface. I will look for someone to talk to soon.

It's very difficult for me. I am not a mind reader and I do not have esp. but I have had such gut feelings about people in the past, only if I'd a listened to my gut then. As a Mom I have always told my daughters "always listen to your gut". I did not and I so regret it. BUT what if I am wrong? I have spoke to my daughter today and I asked her straight out, do you have any issues with your husband being alone with your daughter and she said, no. She said sometimes she'll hear her daughter cry a different cry and it makes her go check it out because she said it makes her stomach drop when she has heard it. As a mother you know the sounds and types a cry your child makes, ya know?? They are moving out in 3 weeks. My daughter is trying to get on days. I am hyper-sensitive uhggggggg.View Thread

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