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The online dating weirdos just follow me wherever I go. I can’t escape them! The latest comes from a Facebook message from Jamshed, who’s location keeps changing. At the time I am writing this, he’s from Mumbai. I also believe that he doesn’t understand the concept of time difference because I received a message from him at 11pm in the evening:

It also had my name on it, so I guess bonus points for a little bit of effort? I don’t believe for one moment that this photo is actually of Jamshed, but notice the gentleman in the photo, if you will. He’s wearing a wedding ring.

Although I have been on an online dating hiatus this year, I have considered myself an online dater for 6.5 years now. If this isn’t your first time here, you’ve read the highlights. I have always expected a specific something to happen, but much to my surprise, it never did. I must say that I am a bit surprised that I had to take a break from online dating sites for this momentous occasion to arise, but it FINALLY happened! Let me tell you the story; it’s pretty awesome.

It had been a really frustrating week. People had been getting in my head, and I realized I had forgotten all about the dog’s insanely expensive heartworm meds. The icing on the cake was having a tent and racks of clothes collapse on me at a festival. I was defeated.

I changed into comfy clothes, and logged onto my personal Facebook page. I had a notification of a message request. (If someone not connected to you on Facebook sends a message- it doesn’t let it through until you accept.) The message said “Hi” and I accepted the message:

As a woman on the internet, I get a lot of messages that are very complimentary towards me. Sometimes I “have an awesome profile” and other times I’m “gorgeous.” I always feel it necessary to send, at very least, a thank you. It’s nice when someone goes out of their way to compliment you.

“You’re gorgeous”

“Aww, thank you!”

“You’re welcome. :-)”

We very well could have ended our conversation here. That was certainly my intent. But, something inspired him to write again:

“I wish I could bury my face between your legs”

WHY DO MEN FIND THIS ACCEPTABLE TO SEND TO A WOMAN!?!?!?!? I assume the mindset is “I’d love it if a woman told me she wanted to spend some time between my legs.” Most of us females don’t find that a turn-on from a complete stranger. (Or even not complete strangers.) I’m going to encourage you NOT to send that type of message to someone on the internet.

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this. I could have ignored it, but then the blog wouldn’t be as entertaining.

“I have a court order against using men’s heads as a thigh master. I’m NOT going back to prison!”

If you follow me on Twitter, or listen to any of my podcasts – you likely know I’ve been busy with relatives from overseas. But, online dating doesn’t wait around if you have family visiting, so I decided the blog shouldn’t wait either!

First and most importantly – DatingAdvice.com wrote up probably the nicest thing anyone has ever written about me. They are a website dedicated to all topics regarding dating and relationships, and I’d highly recommend checking them out. (Especially what they wrote about me! http://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/soon2becatlady-hilarious-online-dating-blog — and ESPECIALLY before reading the following online dating interaction. I enjoy proof in the pudding that I honestly think online dating is fun, and I’m really not pessimistic about it. Don’t let the lines on the screen fool you!!)

My message for you today is DON’T MAKE DECISIONS FOR PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW!

I understand that the protection of the computer screen makes it easier to say terrible things to people, as you don’t get to see their reaction. But, these guys have their faces, and names attached to this! No shame, whatsoever. 5 years later and it still floors me.

Today I present to you, my dear reader, a fun CatLady fact. On a random whim six months ago, I went to the optometrist. I hadn’t had my “Disney Eyes” checked since grade school, and was about to sign up for insurance and wondered if I should purchase vision coverage. (Oh Adulthood, you’re so fun!) I assumed I still had perfect vision, but when I was asked to read the letters on the wall with my left eye – my soul was crushed. I am now the proud owner of way more pairs of nerdy glasses than I’d ever be willing to admit. (Most women like shoes. I hate shoes. But give me ALL OF THE NERDY GLASSES!) This is necessary information for today’s online dating horror story. By the way, this post is NC-17.

If you listen to any of my podcasts, you would be aware that I’ve been on a number of dates recently, and all but one was pretty terrible. (And the good one ghosted me, for the record.) However, one date in particular was worse than the rest in ways you could only listen about to understand, as I’m not going to re-live it again. Check out the podcast(s).

This terrible date, after said date, texted me to ask how I thought the date went, because at very least he could use advice. I was told that I needed to give an honest evaluation since it was asked for, so I typed up one of the most difficult things for me to write. A friend read it and suggested I post it, as it really holds some good advice that many could use a refresher on. So, here it is: