Winners and Losers from the G.O.P.’s Healthcare Debacle

Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history:

WINNERS:

The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup

Barack Obama: Well, duh

Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ): Damn look at this 🔥🔥🔥🔥 tweet he made after the GOP pulled the bill I have never been more proud to call him my Senator

Hey Republicans, don't worry, that burn is covered under the Affordable Care Act

Congress: Their hermetically sealed bubble of public-servant privileges insulates them against the consequences of pretty much any bill they end up passing, which must be nice

Papa Roach: I was going to snark about how the (made-up) story that Paul Ryan was caught listening to “Last Resort” after admitting defeat was the closest the band has come to relevancy in years, but I couldn’t muster the necessary irony after I saw that they sent two of the most savage tweets I have ever seen

Donald J. Trump: His ill-advised last-ditch attempt at dealmaking was a blot on a man long reputed for his ability to make deals, but let’s be honest, he’s still gonna find a way to emerge as a winner from all this

LOSERS:

The Republican Party: You’d think that, with seven years to prepare their Obamacare replacement, they would have refined it, tested its viability with the rank-and-file, and performed the backroom negotiations which would ensure it would come out of the gate with enough votes to pass, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX): This isn’t because of anything related to the healthcare debacle; just wanted to remind everyone that Ted Cruz is a loser

Freedom from government overreach: Died a tragic death yesterday, according to the sort of people who can’t grasp that it’s hard to enjoy said freedom when you’re dead from cancer

Paul Ryan: Ahahahahahahahahahah what a dope oh my god

The Democratic Party: At this point, I’m resigned to the expectation that the Democrats will somehow emerge as the losers from this situation in the long run

Americans: Dammit, we’ve got at least another two years of this, don’t we