I gave up. But then I didn't. I had a pair of plain tan colored Keds I had picked up years ago at a thrift store and rarely wore. I knew that the spray paint would stick to canvas much better than the patent leather disaster you see there. Here's what the tennies looked like before (the right one is taped and ready to go)

I gave them a couple of coats, threw them in the washer and ended up with a much spicier pair of tennies, I think. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.