Wednesday

ZOMBIES ARE THE NEW BACON

Here's a list of ladies following one Twitter user:

These accounts were created by a company that you pay to get more followers. I hope the person who bought this crew has a shit ton of bacon tweets lined up. And how did all these girls get certified in gaming? I bet that certificate gets them laid ALL THE TIME.

Here's another piece of the same follower list:

Looks like zombie fanatics might eventually become the most popular fake users on Twitter, easily beating bacon evangelists and giving subtly charming bacon enthusiasts a run for their money.

Zombies seemed to pop up quite suddenly (a very non-zombie like trait). Maybe if I had my gaming certificate I would've seen the trend coming but it feels like overnight people stopped using their iPhones to make themselves appear obese and started using them to appear undead.

John Foscante, a self proclaimed zombie expert, claims that zombie fanatics are anti-vampire; vampires represent all that is sexy, rich, and fashionable. As Chiara Sullivan, a student of John's, puts it, "zombies represent the 99% and vampires are the dicky bankers".

The bacon and zombie trends signify a rejection of refined tastes. This stinks of another tragic movement, a dark stain on American history when the unkempt masses turned against the sexy minority.