Five things Prince Harry should do in Denver

God save the Queen and her adorable, stilted royal wave; Prince Charles gets a few brownie points for sorta making an honest woman outta Camilla; poor Prince William got his mother's pretty face but his father's rapid receding hairline, and Princess Kate has a baby bump that the Brits are going batshit over. But his Royal Highness, Henry Charles Albert David, the Prince of Wales, best known as Prince Harry, has everything: looks, charm, a ribald sense of humor, an honorable military career and, judging by a few photos taken of him in Las Vegas last year, a royally nice bum.

Last week it was announced that Prince Harry will be visiting Colorado during his trip to the United States May 9-15, so to help his travels, we have a list of five things Harry should do while he's in Denver.

5. Have a few drinks at Meadowlark
Meadowlark, at 2701 Larimer Street, is one of Denver's finest hipster hangouts, and if there's one place where Prince Harry should go to get his tankards of ale on, it would be here -- for the simple fact that of all the bars in Denver (and most other places) this is sure to be one pub where no one in the place will give a fat, royal fuck about Prince Harry being there. Approximately one-third of the other drinkers won't know who the generation-gapping hell he is, one-third won't give a shit, and the last third will be top-tier snotty hipsters with senses of entitlement that make Britain's royal family look like a pack of meaching slummers. And the bartenders are so indifferent that his Royal Highness will be lucky if he gets a pint within fifteen minutes of ordering.

On the off-chance that Harry's princely ass makes another appearance, Meadowlark has a free photo booth that posts to the bar's website, and it's a safe bet that his won't be the first -- or the last -- set of nudey cheeks to be snapped at Meadowlark.

4. Dinner at Elway's
Royal appetites seem to be better documented the further back in history you go; it's unlikely that Prince Harry was raised on lavish banquet food like roast capons and flagons of wine, given how health-conscious and active Prince Charles is. Chances are good that Harry is used to fresh ingredients, organic veggies and what-not (not counting the Army food), so that's exactly why he should have dinner (or high tea) at Elway's during his stay in Denver. The Cherry Creek location would be the perfect place for him to get a slice of bougie Denverites while digging into lamb chop fondue (Americans will put cheese sauce on anything), tuck into the tuna tartare (Brits get way better seafood because they live on a huge island) or try his hand at the DIY S'mores dessert (these wanker Americans like some barmy shit). And he might spot Elway himself, Colorado's equivalent of royalty.

3. Walk around the 16th Street Mall
If Prince Harry wants a wholesome, typical Denver pedestrian experience, there is no better way to get that than walking along the 16th Street Mall. He can have a frozen yogurt, buy some commemorative shotglasses with bears on them, and smoke a bowl with those fake rastas who hang out by every Starbucks. He can peek in the windows at H&M and wonder who shops there and why (the same things locals wonder, actually). Then he can get yelled at by the guy who runs the gyro cart for standing too close and not buying anything, get slammed into and cussed at by skateboarders being chased by mall security guards -- and probably cursed at by them as well -- and have the distinct privilege of getting mobbed every other step by pushy mall panhandlers, the cleverest of which will certainly ask him, "Please, sir, can I have some more?"

Continue reading for more suggestions.

The guys at Tracks love a man in uniform...

2. Spend an evening at Tracks
Harry has been behaving himself publicly since those photos of his royal rear end hit the presses. But Denver ain't nicknamed "Menver" for nuthin', and an evening of carefree royal frolick at Tracks could be an opportunity for Prince Harry to let it all hang out. Not only will no one at the club get their knickers in a twist if Harry drops his trousers, but his Royal Highness is sure to make all sorts of new friends who will truly, royally appreciate his hindquarters.

1. Head right back to the airport and across the pond
While some Americans fawn over the British royal family like they were our own monarchs, most of the rest of the population cannot understand why in the bloody hell people worship Buckingham Palace in ways that nobody reveres the White House. In reality, the British monarchy means little but ceremonial pomp and historical reverence in this day and age; having kings, queens, princes, princesses and Lord and Lady so-and-sos makes perfect sense when you're watching an episode of Game of Thrones on HBO, but none to the everyday lives of Brits and Americans alike. Prince Harry doesn't seem like a bad chap and his U.S. visit is intended to promote charitable institutions, specifically to bring attention to wounded American and British troops -- he is slated to attend the opening ceremony of the Warrior Games in Colorado Springs, where injured servicemen and women will compete. But still, Prince Harry could keep his stop in Colorado really quick, then hop right back on a plane for the U.K. and skip the recreational, royal arse-smooching time in Denver...and no one would care.

Unfortunately for the House of Windsor, a goodly chunk of the American population gave up feeling obligated to their highnesses on October 19, 178, right after the Redcoats got their asses kicked at the Battle of Yorktown.