Hose Jokes

A man was baking Christmas cookies for his neighborhood, when he saw two women in a fight with hoses.

His original intent was to give one cookie to everyone, but these women, in their red coats, just couldn’t seem to decide between something. He called the police thinking it had grown too serious. The police came, and the women were identified as the Raign family cousins and arrested. Then h...

Did you hear about the hose that was into BDSM?

It had a few kinks.

Daredevils of Reddit, when you skydive should you pack a parachute or a water hose?

A parachute might fail. A water hose will definitely get caught on something.

I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose

felt like someone else was doing the dishes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad's definition of fucking shit bitches hoses!!!

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly s...

Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Was told to turn on the water hose

I was told to turn on the water hose.

Responded "I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a hipster and a fire hose?

It takes more than one hipster to push the black people out of a neighborhood.

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife goes to the doctor complaining that her husband farts unbelievably in his sleep. It smells so bad that it has become unbearable sleeping in the same room.

She tells the doctor that her husband won't come to see a doctor because he doesn't believe he has a farting problem.

Doctor suggests some pills but the wife refuses saying that the husband won't take them. The doctor, confused as why then she is there, tells her jokingly, "why don't you the...

Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

A Fireman, A Little Girl, and Her Cat

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her c...

An old general store owner needs some help in sales...

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid"The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?"again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, ...

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

For real now, how many animals can you fit into one single pair of panty hose

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, an assload of hares, 1 cameltoe and 1 fish Noone can find

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

What do you call 2 Mexican firefighters?

Jose and Hose-B

Did you hear about the Mexican guy with 2 weiners?

He named one Jose and the other hose-B

Mexican Firetruck

A man lived right on the US side of the border between US and Mexico. One day his house caught on fire. He called 911, the operator said it would take the fire department 30 minutes to get there.

Panicking, he drove across the border, found the Mexican fire department and offered them $10,000...

What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)

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Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman look...

What did the mexican fireman name his 2 sons?

Hose A and Hose B.

JAMAICAN FIREMAN BELLS

A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife,"Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go....

What did the mexican fire chief call his two sons?

Jose and hose b

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

The Fantastic Pig

John is travelling one day and sees a sign on the side of the road saying, "30 miles until the fantastic pig." He is curious but doesn't think anymore of it until he sees another sign 10 miles up the road declaring the fantastic pig only 20 miles away. This continues up until 5 miles away from the s...

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

S&M Women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long\-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role...

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

So, an Indian went to the US embassy

to get a visa for a visit to his friend placed there. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose"...!

The immigration officer corrected that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' ...J is pronounced as ''H''

'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''

"7 months; from Hanu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,

Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.

See them gathered together, by calling divine

to fashion a vulva of peerless design.

The first man, a butcher of eminent skill

took a hold of his bla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you use to extinguish a vagina fire?

A panty hose

What kind of women are attracted to firefighters?

Hose!

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What ...

A house isn't a home without you...

It's a hose

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer takes his crosseyed cow to the vet..

The vet says "I know how to fix this". So he puts a hose up the cows ass and blows really hard, and BANG! the cows eyes snap back to normal. A week later the farmer takes his cow back to the vet because his eyes became crossed again. The vet says "I know how to take care of this" and puts a hose up ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer had a constipated cow... NSFW

Fearing for the cow's health, the farmer enlisted the help of his friend. His friend said, "we just need to put a hose up the cow's butt and blow into it."

So they shove the hose into place and the friend blows and blows until his mouth is too tired. Finally he tells the farmer, "I'm too tir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Adam, Eve and God's bag of parts

One day Adam and Eve were enjoying the garden and it's many luxuries, when they heard the voice of God.

"Alright you two, I have new parts for you, only have two for now."

He explained, approaching the two.

"First is a hose, I think I will call it a penis."

He explained,...

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman?

He named his first son Jose.

And the second one Hose B.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

[LONG] The life of an old man.

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys ...

Kevin came home from elementary school one day...

...with a smile and exclaimed, "Dad! I got the highest score in class on the math test!"

"That's because you're from Louisiana, son!" The father replies.

The next day, Kevin returns from school again with excitement in his voice.

"Dad, guess what!?!" he says happily. "I can spel...

A pimp walks into a hardware store...

... and tells the clerk, "I need some more hose."

A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.

I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.

Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the dea...

The mathematician's interview

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

...

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Tyrone

Litte Tyrone is playing in the kitchen while his mother is cooking when he tips over the flour jar and covers himself in flour.

"Look, Ma, I'm a white boy." he says. His mother gets the switch and spanks his butt.

"Go tell Aunty what you just said, Tyrone" his mother says. Little Tyr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three American salesmen were caught in a Middle Eastern harem.

One tried to explain "A cab driver told us this was a cat house and snuck us in the back door."

He then became very thoughtful. "If you were my people, you would be put to death at once. But tensions are hi...

Why are fire trucks red?

Because if someone pulled your hose you would be red too.

A Christian Pastor Talks to a man on his deathbed

One night, A Christian pastor took his weekly walk over to see an old man in a hospital nearing death. The pastor walks in, talks to the man, and asks if he can pray for him. The old man agrees so the Pastor gets on his knees next to the bed and closes his eyes and begins praying. The pastor was dee...

A fireman decides he needs to spice up his marriage...

...so he tells his wife that he has an idea. He tells her that when he gets home he will announce a 'one alarm.' He will say 'one alarm, one alarm' and they will kiss passionately. Then the firefighter tells her that he will say 'two alarm, two alarm' and they wil take off all of their clothes on th...

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)

The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Selected Female Pick-Up Lines

“Are my undies showing? [“No.”] “Would you like them to?”

“Hey, in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?”

Put a dollar bill on your head and when he asks what you did that for tell him “its all you can eat for under a dollar.”

If a guy asks ...

Have you heard of the two Mexican firemen?

Hose-A and Hose-B.

After much debate comparing early black communities to modern during all these officer related shootings

They have decided water hoses weren't so bad

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hall, for it has reignited. He find...

Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter?

Prose before Hose

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was having sex the other day...

I thought I was doing a great job because her toes kept curling, then I realized she was still wearing panty-hose...