What's your identity crisis Nees, just like what are you doing with your life? I admire the fact you've put yourself out there in Spain, it's obviously gonna be hard and I think sometimes it is luck of the draw when it comes to making mates when you go to a foreign country. Thought about switching jobs to make some new acquaintances?

Yeah, i haven't made many friends out here. Had hardly any verbal communication with non work people this month, I am looking for a job in a different country now (amsterdam) or I'll just move back.

The other issue is not being able to settle, rent prices out here are ridiculous for the wages so being in shared accommodation is pissing me off now as well. I'm at the age where I want to buy a place now as well.

Been self-medicating with alcohol a lot lately. Can't shake the feeling that the human race is already past the extinction threshold and all we're doing now is delaying the inevitable. Makes it hard to care about anything. I don't believe in a god or an afterlife, so this is it and it's all crumbling to ruin. It's different than my usual depressive episodes - those are usually focused on my own self-loathing and low self-image. This is mourning an entire planet, and I don't know how to cope with it.

Had the best month in probably 2 decades. Nowt much happened, went away with work friends, dads birthday, but really just ordinary stuff but enjoyed it all. Getting up and in to work early, not wishing the hours away, getting on with things which normally p*ss me off. It’s all seems so easy atm, which obviously worries me as to when it’s going to crash

Loads more energy as well, I think it’s down to not having to try so hard to be normal, with it happening without trying it’s leaving that additional energy to do other things which in turns keeps me going on that upward spiral.

Therapist meetings are going every other week then looking to let me fly the nest around April ish time. That’s the plan anyway. Been a long journey, but feel a different person than the one in June or the one I had to put up with for 20 years. When I joined the group sessions in august I was 24/27 for depression and 13/21 for anxiety. Yesterday 4 and 2. It all seemed like mumbo jumbo horse s*** as well when I started, thought this isn’t going to make a difference, again though, that’s the depression in you not wanting you to get better, got to shake that off.

Sooooo...it’s either going to continue or at some point or I fall off the happiness wagon. I know I’ll be tested, and have had a few already, but so far so good. Was really hoping for a takeover to cement a new beginning. t***s.

Is there like a crisis centre in Newcastle? I don’t think I’m going to make it through today

You can go to any A & E, they have a mental health liaison team who can link you in with local mental health services. If you’re feeling suicidal then they should be able to link you in quickly with a team but it depends a bit on where you are. Give me or anyone a shout here if you want to ask anything or just let stuff out

Really good advice there from Si and Ian W. It can be difficult speaking to someone you care about or who cares for you when you’re in a really low place so if it’s easier call 116 123, that’s for Samaritans. Sometimes just speaking out loud even if it’s through tears helps to clear things a little so you can get to a place where you’re better able to access support. 999 is another option if you can’t face getting out of the house. A lot of us have been in really dark places so use this space to write too if that helps you to get closer to making a call

Reach out, whether it's 999 or a friend. Sorry you're going through this mate, been there myself but help is on the way if you get yourself to the professionals. They were very compassionate in my experience and made sure I was alright again before I left.