On April 17 this year, Steven D’Achille‘s wife Alexis would have celebrated her 36th birthday. “She was a homebody, so I would’ve cooked her a big Italian feast dinner and invited all of our friends and family over,” he tells Parade. “I would’ve spoiled her.”

Sadly, Steven has had to face a “new normal” since tragically losing his wife in October 2013—making every day, especially her birthday, feel empty.

Steven says that immediately after giving birth to their first child, a daughter named Adriana, Alexis suffered from postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis, and without getting the proper treatment she so desperately needed, took her life when Adriana was just 6 weeks old.

"Alexis looks like a beautiful and happy woman in that photo, but she took her life 15 hours later," Steven says. "Mental health is not something that physically you can see."

Since that awful day, Steven has refused to let his wife’s passing be in vain. He founded the Alexis Joy D’Achille Foundation, is on the board of Postpartum Support International and is actively involved with Allegheny’s Health Network’sAlexis Joy D’Achille Center for Perinatal Mental Health in Pittsburgh, PA—a medical facility where women can seek treatment for pregnancy-related mental health issues—which Chrissy Teigen just became a paid spokesperson for and helped launch their #MyWishForMoms campaign. And he’s just arrived back from Washington D.C., where he joined Mom Congress in lobbying for better maternal mental healthcare across the United States.

“Postpartum depression affects twice as many women as breast cancer, yet there is still little to no help in most areas of the country,” he says. “It’s mind-blowing. We need to do more.”

For Steven, it starts with spreading awareness so that no family or husband has to go through what his did. According to the American Psychological Association, one in seven new moms develop postpartum depression, and only 15% receive treatment. Symptoms can range from excessive crying, insomnia, loss of appetite, severe anxiety and panic attacks, to intense irritability and anger.

“Postpartum depression is not a women’s health issue, it’s a family health issue,” he shares. “I have a big obligation to not only moms, but dads too. I want other husbands to know what this is and what do, and not be guessing like I was.”

Here are six things that Steven wishes every dad knew based on the experience he went through:

Start having tough conversations earlier. “During the pregnancy, dads can ask the doctor about the baby blues and postpartum depression,” he explains. “Start asking your healthcare providers, if my wife was to develop this, what services do you offer? It’s important to have a plan before the baby is born. Be prepared and have an open and honest conversation beforehand, especially if your wife has been prone to mental health issues before. You have to be proactive, not reactive.”

Always be your wife’s advocate. If you think your wife is suffering from postpartum depression, speak up. “I think number one is to always ask mom if she’s okay,” Steven says. “At the end of the day, you know your loved one better than anyone else. No doctor is ever going to know them as much as you do. If something doesn’t feel right, and feels more than just ‘the baby blues,’ ask the difficult questions. If I could go back and do things over, I would say, if something doesn’t seem right—it’s not. Don’t ever leave a doctor’s office just accepting what your doctor tells you. You have to press and fight for mom until you get the answer that makes sense to you. Use your head, fight for her and speak up for her.”

Don’t forget the little things. “Of course, it’s nice to help around the house and help with meals—that’s stuff that everyone realizes,” he notes. “But the biggest thing is to encourage them. Tell your wife if she is feeling depressed: ‘This is temporary; this is not forever. We will get through this.’ They need to hear that they’re not a bad parent and in fact, that they’re a better parent than they think they are.”

Reach out to your village. “I always had a great relationship with my in-laws, but I think a lot of guys can take control and pick up the phone and call the people they depend on—like their parents, friends, or in laws,” Steven explains. “I’m sure if a guy talked to his friends, they’d be like, ‘Oh man, my wife was a mess after we had a baby and this is what I did.’ Just be open and have a conversation. Call your wife’s mom or her friends, and ask what they would do. It goes back to the village—and guys shouldn’t have to handle this alone either, so reach out to your support system when you need to. It’s a a hard situation and a lot of men end up in therapy because of the stress handling this all, so speak up when you need to.”

The pressure around breastfeeding has got to stop. “Is breastfeeding ideal? Yeah. If mom can do it, great. But if she’s struggling with it, and it’s one more anxiety, one more stress on her, go buy some formula,” Steven says. “My wife just felt so ashamed, so embarrassed about her breastfeeding struggles—she wouldn’t even consider formula. A few days before my wife ended her life, we did give our daughter formula and Alexis would still pump and stress over it, because she felt like she ‘had’ to. And when I look back, I’m like what a silly thing to stress about. I wish I had encouraged her more that quitting breastfeeding was okay. There’s no reason for a mom to torture herself about breastfeeding.”

Take her struggles seriously. “You’ve got to treat PPD the same way as if your wife got cancer,” he says. “If your wife had cancer and your doctor said, ‘Go home,’ you’d go home, you’d Google it, you’d find all the best treatment options in the whole country, you’d find clinics, you’d do it all. If she has to travel to get the help she needs, get your butt in the car and go with her, even if it means missing a day of work. Everybody worries about the baby, and the mom gets nothing. It’s time to put moms first, because healthy moms, healthy baby.”

It’s Steven’s hope that by sharing his family’s story, he helps break the stigma around PPD and continue to shed the light on maternal mental health—all while continuing to honor his wife’s legacy.

“Trust me, nobody wants to be in my shoes,” he says. “At the end of the day, I don’t want my reality to be any other father’s reality.”

If you or someone you know is suffering from postpartum depression, call or text Postpartum Support International at 800-944-4773.

AMG/Parade Digital

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