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Snow White

Synopsis

A prince, seeking the greatest treasure, stumbles upon seven little men guarding a coffin. They tell him the story of Snow White, a beautiful princess who was forced to run away from home after her jealous stepmother tried to have her killed. When she realizes that the girl is still alive and living with the dwarfs, she sets out to destroy her only rival once and for all.

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Well, the fact that Snow White's mother's dying wish was to name her newborn daughter "Snow White" explains her stupid name, because it's really shitty to deny someone their last wish, but, if I was her husband, I would have been like "Yeah, sure, whatever you want! Die in peace!" but then after she was gone, I would have been like "Holy shit, what dumb name, I'll call her that as a nickname or something, my dear wife must have been on some good drugs before she finally went though - to come up with a name like Snow White, WTF!"

One of the best features of this Cannon Movie Tale was that they cast Nicola Stapleton (who played Gretel…

- the actresses who play little snow and grown-up snow are both adorable and extremely charming!

- watching this as a five-year-old, i apparently only bothered to remember two scenes: (1) snow white ravenously scarfing down food from the dwarves’ table after fleeing the hunter, and (2) the evil queen disturbingly crumbling into dust at snow white’s wedding

- rewatching this made me realize that forgetting 95% of the film perhaps wasn’t a great loss. (the queen.....dresses up like an asian seller of combs ? she paints her face to look more asian ?? she speaks with a very strange and embarrassing accent ??)

- the actresses who play little snow and grown-up snow are both adorable and extremely charming!

- watching this as a five-year-old, i apparently only bothered to remember two scenes: (1) snow white ravenously scarfing down food from the dwarves’ table after fleeing the hunter, and (2) the evil queen disturbingly crumbling into dust at snow white’s wedding

- rewatching this made me realize that forgetting 95% of the film perhaps wasn’t a great loss. (the queen.....dresses up like an asian seller of combs ? she paints her face to look more asian ?? she speaks with a very strange and embarrassing accent ??)

Well, I guess some of this has simply aged less than well. Can't really expect a PC approach from the Evil Queen of the 80s, I suppose. Maybe there was also more of a market for princes that fall in love with a corpse and don't even bother to keep it to themselves, servants that seem to think that's perfectly fine, or inexplicably rogue apples that become animated mid-flight. On the other hand, it's not all about cultural and technological changes. The dialogue is poor. The rhyming is essentially based on repeating words as many times as possible. The story's played straight and no effort is made to make it seem less ridiculous. All the secondary characters are so punchable…

I wanted to see this because it's the one other thing that Sarah Patterson did in the '80s besides The Company of Wolves. And of course Diana Rigg as the Queen was irresistible. Billy Barty as one of the dwarfs sounded promising, too. I love him in Legend.

I got real nervous when the first character broke into song though. And a pretty bad song at that. This was made by Cannon Films, the notoriously low budget company, during the Golan-Globus era when they were cranking out stuff like Delta Force, the Sho Kosugi ninja trilogy, and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Not that those aren't all fun and great in their own ways. It just demonstrates the level of quality…