Posts Tagged ‘self love’

I’m just getting to the point where I can start looking into my real and quickly approaching future. This is going to be my new career!!

I can’t wait to help people. I can’t wait to walk with people thru their hard times and thru their life and stresses. The little things and the big things. I can’t wait to inspire them thru all of it. I want to spend the rest of my life nudging people in the direction of progress. Even if its the smallest steps… even if they are tiny steps. I am pumped about it.

I’ve spent the last 2 months enjoying the sunshine. I’ve been waking up early. Working out mid day. Listening to my course work over and over and over again. I’ve been putting some of it into practice even. Giving myself a shit ton of self love.

Did I mention the sunshine? Gah! There is so much power in the sun. It feels like healing to me. Healing something I didn’t even know needed it. I can’t believe how little stress I’ve had while being completely jobless. It’s been so great to take time for myself. Doing nothing. Doing everything. Just relaxing. Relaxing in the sun! 🙂

So I’m at the point in my certification where I can start taking on actual clients. I have two “practice” clients that I’ll start in late June. Shortly after that I hope to begin real paying clients. No… Not just hope. I WILL BE TAKING CLIENTS! EXCITING!

I’m working with a guy that is helping me with my branding. The logo he’s created is great! Very very soon I’ll have my business cards ordered. Then very shortly after that I’ve got to get those puppies circulating.

I’ve got lists and plans for dddaaayyysss…. Lol which sounds terrible, but really, it’s so not. It’s just one step in front of the other. Just gotta do it.

It’s hard… yet not. And I’m coaching myself out of the overwhelming moments… and waiting out the moments of self-doubt… and just ultimately taking it one item on my list at a time.

It’s all coming together so well and so fast. It’s better than I could’ve imagined!

Meanwhile I’ve started a part time job. I’m basically a gofer for a guy that owns his own business. I’m excited to learn from him. But the best part is how flexible the hours are. I work when I want. Couldn’t be more perfect and I couldn’t be more grateful.

When someone doesn’t see you as an individual. You are a body part. You are a female place holder. Anyone could fill this void. Not even a warm body is a requirement.

2.

When you are being used by someone who cares and appreciates you. They are using you in a dirty, degrading, fuck-toy way but they value that you let them do so. The using is going both ways. And really, you aren’t being used at all. It’s just an illusion. It’s kink. It’s sexual preference.

Don’t come at me if I could be replaced by any face or body or blow up toy. If you care then I will give you anything and everything. Nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to make you happy. NOTHING. All you have to do is be inspired (by me) to want things. And I’ll be inspired (by you) to hand it to you.

This post is inspired by a guy I barely know. I get a few superficial messages from him a few times a week… I went on two dates with him before he left town for work. He asks for pics. There’s no effort in it. All taken for granted. He expects it. I hate that. Show me you care. Just a little. Ask me how my day was. How my week is. How my heart is.

I’m a slut in the fact that I love sex and the dirty kind and a lot of it. But not in a way that I’ll just break it off at your command with no forethought or care for me. Even my rebound neighbor has to try harder than that.

Truth is I’m feeling a bit disposable today. And that’s not a nice feeling. It’s not one that makes me feel like I have worth.

Self doubt, self love, and self worth have taken a nose dive. And I know… I’m just heartbroken. I’ll be okay.

Yeah, I crave company. I crave not being alone. But I don’t need anything that’ll make me feel more disposable and more broken. At least there’s still a shred of self worth enough to know I could make this worse.

I have this big-ass mirror in my living room…. it’s just propped up on the biggest empty wall in my apartment. I knew that I wanted the mirror when I got my divorce, but turns out a small 1 bedroom apartment doesn’t accommodate such large items. But I couldn’t lose my ability to see my hair and shoes in the same frame – a girl needs these things. So it just sits there. As soon as I enter my apartment it greets me, sometimes before my dog does. I walk by it several times a day.

Some days this isn’t an easy thing to live with. But sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised by my reflection. I started to wonder if it was becoming detrimental to my self image recently. But one day I had a revelation…

I took off my clothes and sat right there in the middle of my living room in front of my big-ass mirror – as I affectionately call it.

At first I zoned in on my “problem areas”. Hate. hate. hate. I suck. I’m ugly. I can’t fix it. I’ve tried. Ain’t never gonna happen. My obsession is in my mid section. I have this huge inner tube that I swear is the first and only thing that anyone can possibly notice. If they somehow do get past that I’ve got this red birthmark on my right cheek. No, I am not over heated; no, I do not have Rosacea; no, (this one is my favorite) I did not get punched; and no, I am not effing blushing! Thank you!

I continued to sit. And look.

I don’t know how long it took, but I started to separate from the image in the mirror. I became a third party spectator. And you know what? Nothing was that bad. In fact, there were a lot of redeeming qualities there. I have great legs on anyone’s standards. Thick thighs… well, that doesn’t seem too un-sexy… I can totally see how they’d be preferable. That mid section…. it’s not THAT gigantic. It’s not… the only thing that exists in this image. And holy shit, I have great complexion. Every other inch of my face is porcelain-like… I mean… pale? Maybe – but not in a sick way. Could I use some sun? Always. But, the complexion is undeniably enviable.

I reached for my phone. I know, I know, In this day and age reaching for a camera is nothing special. But for me to even humor the idea of a naked picture?! And I don’t mean a pic you take to send to someone that asks or anything to do with sexuality in any form, but a pic just to admire yourself….? That’s different. Now, I’m not saying I took the pics, admired, saved, and shared. No, I didn’t even save them. I looked. I did admire. I liked what I saw. It wasn’t ugly. I didn’t stop at the terrible spots on my body and dwell. I simply looked and didn’t hate myself! I more than didn’t hate it. I was more than accepting of it. I liked it. It was a positive feeling. Not just neutral!

I wish I could say that I left that moment and I was cured of wherever I normally land on the body dysmorphic disorder spectrum… No, I left that moment and it didn’t take long for my insecurities to come rushing back. The self doubt, the self hate, the self dwelling on “bad” body parts. But…

Mirror Therapy. I’m making it a thing. I’m going to track the long term effects. I’m going to see if I can take those moments of clarity and see if I can’t transcend them to my every day ideas of myself for longer and longer periods of time.