Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Eighth Annual Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet...

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Yeah, it’s that time.
I’ll be honest: 2016 has kicked our collective asses and set the whole ass-mess
on fire and poured gasoline over the top so I was a little hesitant to add to the negative vibes with my Eighth
Annual Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet but, yeah, who am I kidding? Clearly,
Ilovetovent
and complain.
Here goes!

A is for “Ach-oo!” Better not sneeze around certain people or they will
blame your cold as well as everything from the dry patch on your hand to your weird
baby toenail on the fact that you are vegan. B is for the Bohemian “influencers” on Instagram who embrace veganism with great
fanfare one week and publicly ditch it as soon as they decide it’s less
cool/quirky a week later. B is also for Buh-bye.
C is for the Challenge of hearing someone go on about how he “met a vegan once
and she got really sick,” and doing your best to not roll your eyes. D is for, “Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?” Um, nice try but he was a
meat-eater, just like Stalin, Pol
Pot and Idi Amin. Hitler was not a
vegetarian; neither am I. So why are you bringing this up? E is for the Evil eye you shoot at the omnivores who chow down on the single
vegan dish at your office's catered holiday buffet and then ultimately
have to resort to physically blocking them because they are impervious to the
subtle nuances of your death glare. F is for Farmers markets being overtaken with purveyors of animal carcasses
and the smell of cooked animal carcasses hanging in the air. G is for the Gushing from your foodie friend about how tender her chicken is
and WHY DOES SHE THINK YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS??? WHY???His for Hosts who tell you not to bring any food to their party because there
will be plenty of food for vegans and you discover that plenty = you're lucky if there's a bowl of tortilla
chips and some pickles. I is for Is it possible to die of irritation? Like should I be worried about
this? J is for Journalists who insist on inserting unoriginal and predictable
snark to their stories about veganism, whether it fits the tone or not. GAH! K is for Karma, as in, you’d better hope there is not such a thing as it but
I am crossing my fingers for it so nah-nah. L is for being Lumped in with flaky dietary faddists in the public view and the
vegans who reinforce this with their random food rules that have nothing to do
with veganism.M is for the Mail that brings you a catalog from Heifer International. How did
you get on their damn mailing list?! N is for Naively not checking your pick-up order before you left the
restaurant with it and coming home to discover animal flesh in it. O is for Oh, my flipping God, he’s really president…P is for the People in your life who send you every link that crosses their eyes
that paints veganism in a negative light. Q is for Questionable credentials of the guy in your office who considers
himself an expert on nutrition (or agriculture, climate change, cruelty to
animals, etc.) and sees it as a personal mission to try to "educate" you
whenever possible.

R
is for Roasting in your car in the
summer as you eat the lunch you packed along because the amusement part has
nothing for you to eat and they don’t allow outside food.S is for Sitting next to the paleo enthusiast at the annual animal charity
benefit, that, you know, also serves meat so as to not alienate anyone and YOU
ARE AN ANIMAL CHARITY, DAMN IT. What letter was this? There is so much to
complain about. T is for Trying to get the kale out from between your teeth when you dine out
with friends but you can tell it’s still there and they are all looking at you
like “???” because you keep swishing water in your mouth and doing weird things
with your tongue and you will never be invited out again because of kale and
when will you remember to take dental floss along with you?U is for Until lions decide to go vegan, a sizeable segment of the
population will cling to their bizarre excuse for eating animals. V is for Vacillating between wanting to be the vegan who indulges inane questions,
predictable jokes, bigoted opinions, inconsiderate behavior and more with patience
and trying that for five seconds before you want to explode in an angry
fusillade of really bad behavior. W is for Waiting for the server to take a breath in describing the meat-,
cheese- and egg-laden specials of the night so you can say, yeah, nope, vegan. X is for Xeno, as in thank goodness for the Scientologists because as long
as they’re around, there will be a population the public wants to avoid even
more than they want to avoid vegans. Y is for YouTubers who happen to be vegan and obnoxious and embarrass you to
death. Z is for the Zen state of peace you feel when you block a troll on Facebook that
gets punctured 20 seconds later when a new troll announces his arrival with an "Mmm...bacon," comment to your link about cruelty to animals.

It’s out of my system now. Toodles until next year’s grievance session!