Boys, babes, and blood. Lots of blood.

After seeing the craptastic Jersey Shore Shark Attack, the first horror flick to cash in on the popularity of Jersey Shore, I was fully expecting Jersey Shore Massacre, executive produced by none other than Jersey Shore alum JWoww, to be just as much of a spoof on the guidos and guidettes of the shore.

For the first half of the movie, I thought they had taken the spoof too far and forgotten about the slasher aspect of the film. There’s an over-the-top gory opening slaughter that gave me high hopes, but then we land in guidette hell, starting at a hair salon loaded with bitchy babes and an even bitchier queen. The good news is, the gay guy lives! Of course, that’s because he doesn’t get invited to the shore with the girls!

The looooong setup before the massacre is crammed with dumb bimbo gag jokes as the girls end up in a house in the woods thanks to a screw up by Ron Jeremy, who has a brief cameo as a beach house landlord. Once at the house in the woods, the girls are spooked by a big goon, go on a tour to see the legendary Jersey Devil, and then finally hit the beach.

Things get even more slapstick as we meet all the dumb gorilla juice heads (the most juiced is my fave—he’s delicious…and eventually appears in just a leopard print thong).

More gags follow, including laxative/crap humor, a spoof on Vanilla Ice and the C&C Music Factory classic “Gonna Make You Sweat,” a club scene complete with a cameo by DJ/remixer Giuseppe D., and a catfight.

The thing about Jersey Shore Massacre is, no matter how badly these kids annoy the fuck out of you, you have to stick with it. The kids all go back to the house in the woods and pop in a movie called Fat Camp Massacre, starring b-horror king Shawn C. Phillips. This short gross out film is included as a bonus on the Blu-ray. At least, part 1 is. Apparently there’s a reissue of Girls Gone Dead coming out that will include part 2. WTF? You expect me to rebuy Girls Gone Dead just to get the rest of Fat Camp Massacre? What a scam! When’s it coming out?

Hey, J! No fair. You already have Roger!

Anyway. Back to the movie. Once Fat Camp Massacre starts…holy FUCK. Jersey Shore Massacre leaves all the nonsense behind and instantly becomes a brutal gorefest slasher that moves into torture porn territory. I did not see this coming. The special effects are phenomenal (provided you love horrific, grisly deaths), the killer has a momentous and terrifying presence, and all the kids drop the dumb guido act and bring on the screams. (J)Wow(w).

Just two of the most heinous kills include boob mutilation in the shower and circular saw torture. It’s brutal. REALLY brutal. I cannot stress that enough. And don’t be expecting a motive or a mystery, because the killer doesn’t have a particularly good one. We’re talking backwoods freak.

As in any good slasher, it all leads up to a chase scene with the final girl. And yet, after all that insanity, Jersey Shore Massacre ends on a light note…with a tag including Ron Jeremy, his big gun, and big boobs.

I never thought I’d ever say this, but…JWoww. When the hell are you going to make another horror flick (featuring this guy in a leopard print thong again)?

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About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES.
I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.