A Caveman In A Spaceship.

All the hopes and dreams and innermost feelings that I, Dave Hill, can muster.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The New Face of Le Tigre (Me)

Please let the record show that as of this writing, I am the New Face of the popular Le Tigre clothing brand (which is not to be confused with the band of the same name, who got their name from the popular clothing brand anyway I think). This may come as a surprise to some people- including most and/or all of the people who work at Le Tigre- but it is totally the case as far as I am concerned. Thanks to a bizarre turn of events that began with me dressing up as a whore (please see above) and dancing for the popular rock band Satanicide and ended with me walking out of Le Tigre’s delightful Manhattan showroom with roughly 400 lbs. of completely excellent and completely free (for me, you will have to pay for it, as you should) Le Tigre clothing, I am now officially the spokesmodel/”It girl for this unstoppable line of shirts, sweaters, jackets, wristbands, hats, and- coming soon I am told- pants. They make women’s clothing too, but that is not my concern at the moment. I am sure they are excellent too though.

Anyway, the reason I am the New Face of Le Tigre, of course, is because I am on television and- as a result- am in a position of extreme power to influence the youth of America to do pretty much whatever I tell them to, including but not limited to buying and wearing excellent Le Tigre clothes. I don’t have any pictures of me in the excellent Le Tigre clothes yet, but I promise you they are coming. This is of course because I don’t intend to wear anything but Le Tigre clothes ever again, including during sex and medical examinations (this is part of my self-imposed agreement with the popular clothing brand Le Tigre).

My special thanks to Ali and Katie and all the other fine ladies at the popular Le Tigre clothing company for making my dreams a reality. Also thanks to Drew from Satanicide, whom I was sitting next to when he was talking about popular Le Tigre clothes, which started this whole exciting turn of events in the first place.

In closing, I would like to encourage you to do as Dave does and go out and buy a wonderful Le Tigre ensemble for yourself today. You won’t look as good as I do in the clothes but I am sure you will look pretty great nonetheless. It will be noted. Anyway, buy some Le Tigre clothes today or I will stab you.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

My Friend Michael's Blog

If you like reading stuff on the Internet (and if you are here right now that is my sense), you should totally check out my buddy Michael Cavadias’ new blog on the popular Planet Out website. As hinted at in the name of the website, it is for the gays but that shouldn’t stop you from going there and reading Michael’s excellent blog. I am not a gay and I have been reading Michael’s blog for several days now and have yet to become any gayer than I was before I started reading it (admittedly though, as straight guys go, I am kind of a homo). If anything, reading Michael’s blog has only made chicks want to bone me that much more, which is really great for a guy like me, who is so totally not gay it’s not even funny. Anyway, Michael’s blog is about politics and news with an emphasis on, well, gay stuff. But gay stuff should be important to everybody, even totally straight dudes like me, since otherwise George W. Bush and people like him will get their way and nobody- gays or straight- will ever get to have sex again. Other bad stuff will happen too. So anyway, read Michael’s blog or I will stab you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

This is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, Wednesday, June 21 at 9:30pm, I will be once again defying expectations/giving at least five dollars-worth of entertainment in the form of the critically-acclaimed show business tour de force known to several as The Dave Hill Explosion, which will be taking place at the popular Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (located at 307 West 26th St. at 8th Ave, just south of West 27th St.). Yes, I know, I am pretty excited about it too. Anyway, this being bee season and all, I have an incredible yet potentially dangerous surprise in store for you that I have got a really good feeling about. And as if that is not worth five bucks alone, I am going to be doing all the other incredible stuff I am known for plus bringing out some excellent guests including but not limited to showbiz legend and my hero Joe Franklin, whom you no doubt remember from such popular films as The Aristocrats, Ghostbusters, and Broadway Danny Rose as well as his legendary talk show, The Joe Franklin Show. Having Joe on my show is pretty much the greatest thing that has ever happened to me that I am comfortable mentioning publicly. And then, in the taking-it-to-the-next-level department, I will be joined by musician Sam Bisbee, who is so, so great I cannot even get into it right now. I will also be bringing out a surprise guest who is pretty much the greatest thing that has ever happened to North America since hockey’s Wayne Gretzky. Anyway, so that is pretty much the deal with tomorrow. I hope you can make it. You can get tickets for you and your loved ones/b*tches at here.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Rufus Wainwright At Carnegie Hall

I ended up seeing both nights of Rufus Wainwright’s sold-out Carnegie Hall shows in which he performed the entire concert that Judy Garland did at the same place in 1961. Both shows were amazing. I even got chills and everything.

I had never heard Judy Garland’s versions of these songs (with the exception of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow,” of course), but that didn’t matter as most of the songs were familiar to me anyway, being a big fan of the hits and all. And Rufus brought it like a motherfucker. He had really great outfits too, specially designed for the event by Viktor and Rolf, who are big designers I’m told (and they’d better be with those names of theirs).

Given all of the above, the crowd at Rufus’ two Carnegie Hall shows was mostly made up of dudes who showed up with other dudes and seemed to know a lot of other dudes there. It may have marked the shortest lines ever for the ladies room at Carnegie Hall. Still, it’s kind of nice being a straight guy in an environment like this as whenever you spot a pretty girl, you can stare at her for as long as you want and she doesn’t seem to mind at all as she probably thinks you are just admiring her bag or something. I say bring it.

Also joining Rufus at his Carnegie Hall shows were his mother Kate McGarrigle, who played piano on “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” with him, and his lovely sister Martha, who sang an asskicking version of “Stormy Weather.” The three of them should just show up and play there every week I say.

In an effort to point out that I am fancy, I wanted to mention that after the second show I went to the after-party, which seemed to be sponsored by those Viktor and Rolf guys as there were big posters for their new “men’s fragrance” “Antidote” everywhere. At one point, some lady got up and gave a speech about the new “men’s fragrance” and then- in an entirely unrelated incident- some guy passed by me with a tray of mini-cheeseburgers. After downing a few of those, I headed over to a little side room where two guys in tuxes asked if I would like to “experience the fragrance.” This sounded like some sort of crazy euphemism at first but next thing I knew they were spraying the exciting new men’s fragrance on my wrist. It wasn’t half bad but it was still no competition for the natural musk I am kicking out on a regular basis without even trying.

As I drifted off to sleep later that night reeking of mini-cheeseburgers and an exciting new men’s fragrance, I was reminded once again that life is magical.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

F.U.B.A.R.: America's Right-Wing Nightmare (This Is A Book)

Last night I went to a book reading at the popular bookstore Barnes and Noble, where they have all sorts of crap for sale, including but not limited to books, cds, candy, cd holders, coffee, and yoga mat holders made of fashionably distressed denim jean material. The book reading was by my friend Stephen Sherrill and his co-author Sam Seder, who- along with Hollywood’s Janeane Garofalo- hosts the popular radio program the Majority Report on the popular Air America radio channel. Stephen and Sam have written a book called “F*U*B*A*R: America’s Right-Wing Nightmare” and it is quite excellent. If you or someone you know likes reading totally excellent books, you should totally go out and buy that shit. It’s very funny and dare I say insightful, incisive even. Plus, the cover is really cool so it’s got that going for it too. I would like to write more on this topic but I need to jump in the shower as the day ahead is full of all sorts of meetings and appointments of importance. More on this and other topics later. Also, I watched the dramatic conclusion of “The Sopranos” last night. Kind of a letdown but it was nice to see A.J. finally getting some. Okay, time to hit the showers.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Adventure Pick (Alternate Title: How Dave Got His Groove Back)

After much deliberation, last night I decided to buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream. For the record, it’s actually pretty good.

For the uninitiated, Ben & Jerry’s Black & Tan ice cream combines what is described as cream stout ice cream with what is described as chocolate ice cream. I guess the reason I had held off on trying Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream for so long (approximately 6 weeks) is because of the cream stout ice cream. It confused me and therefore I feared it (the problem with much of this world). But fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), the deli by my house tends to have a somewhat crappy ice cream stock (e.g. They rarely have Chubby Hubby. What the fuck?) so I was forced to make an adventure pick last night. I knew it was time for Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream. Dammit.

As hinted at previously, Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream is pretty good stuff. The cream stout ice cream does in fact taste like cream stout- the beer that is- but not in a way where you’re all like “What the fuck? My ice cream tastes like beer. And where are my pants? And whose bathroom floor is this anyway? You’re not my daddy!” More precisely, it takes the non-alcoholic sweetness of, say, a pint of Guinness (specifically the way it tastes in Ireland as opposed to the United States. Yes, I know I’m a douchebag for making this distinction) and harnesses that into a subtly tasty ice cream. It’s good stuff though probably not something you’d want to not have chocolate ice cream or something mixed in with. Also, there is something inherently disturbing about the idea of cream stout ice cream and I can’t quite figure out what that is. I’m not sure if it bothers me that beer may have been added to my ice cream (Don’t get me wrong- I totally like to party. It’s just that I don’t always like to mix sh*t up like that.) or that some sort of chemicals or other flavorings have combined in a manner in which they somehow approximate the flavor of actual beer. Either way, I am mildly scandalized by this. I tried not to think about it too much while eating Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream, the popular new flavor I decided to try last night.

Also mildly disturbing (though not so much as to make me stop eating it) about Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream is that the cream stout flavored ice cream is sort of melted on top of the chocolate ice cream in a manner in which it is made to look not unlike an actual pint of Guinness (again I refer to the Irish version where the head is larger and much creamier. In short, I have been to Europe.). While others may enjoy this aesthetic touch, it’s a bit too adorable for me and also suggests a little too much human involvement on the back end of the ice cream-making process. By the time it’s ready to be packed into a pint, I think some machine should just cramming everything into there without much regard to presentation or any of that sort of thing. Again, however, that is just me, an outlaw who plays by his own set of f*cking rules and there’s not a damn thing any mofo can say about it.

In closing, I would highly recommend Ben & Jerry's new Black & Tan ice cream. Still, I must say that Ben & Jerry's popular Chubby Hubby and Coffee Heath Bar Crunch flavors still pretty much kick its ass. But if they don’t have those flavors at the store by your house, you should totally buy it.

Monday, June 05, 2006

As Long As We're On The Topic Of Me, Dave Hill

Comedy-type person Ben Schwartz has a website on which he posts videos of him performing jokes he wrote for various late night shows that were ultimately rejected for some reason or another. Each month, he has someone new write the theme song for his latest video full of rejected jokes. I wrote and performed his theme song this month. You can check that sh*t out right here. And if you really, really feel like it, you can even download the theme song I wrote for him here. Not that I’m expecting you too or anything, but, you know, you could if you wanted to. Also, if you want to hear even more music by me, why not check out the website of my popular rock band Valley Lodge right here (See how I did that?). Okay, that’s pretty much it for now. Thank you. You seem nice.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Exciting Interview With Me, Dave Hill

I meant to mention this sooner since it has to do with me and all, but I recently did an interview with the Apiary, the popular blog of sorts that addresses matters directly and/or indirectly related to the New York City comedy scene. Anyway, if you have some time to kill and would like to read my thoughts on various topics and whatnot, you can read that sh*t right here. My thanks to Nate (the guy who does the Apiary website) for interviewing me and generally helping me in my plot for world domination.