Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Andreas Evers Hired by Liechtenstein

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Former Austrian and US trainer Andreas Evers has been hired as the new trainer of the Liechtenstein women's speed team. In other words, since Tina Weirather is the Liechtenstein women's speed team, Evers will be her personal coach. But there is more to this story than just a trainer getting a new job. The others have already reported this story and it is ancient history. But, as usual, we have our unique spin on it. One of our intrepid reporters went to Liechtenstein to interview Herr Evers, but he was not available. Yes, our reporter found Liechtenstein on a map and was able get there on his own. So our plucky penner of prose found the next best interview subject--our favorite Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli." Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: Vinnie, it's nice to see you again. What have you been doing since the Vail world championships?

Vinnie: I have been working in the family business and also doing some consulting work advising Red Bull and Head on how to catch embezzlers and money launderers.

BB: Interesting. I guess it would take one to know one.

Vinnie: Hold on there! I never embezzled or laundered any money. My family's waste disposal business is 100% legitimate. Anyway, I am strictly a hit man, though I do know plenty of embezzlers and money launderers.

BB: Speaking of embezzling and money laundering, I'm sure that you heard about Andreas Evers being hired as Liechtenstein's new speed team trainer.

Vinnie: Of course. I'm sure he'll do a great job with Tina.

BB: What do you think of Andreas Evers getting a job as a trainer?

Vinnie: Why not? He's not a predator who's going to do unspeakable things to Tina Weirather.

BB: True. He was never convicted of any sort of sex offense.

Vinnie: That's right. He was a good citizen and never even got a parking or jaywalking ticket when he was in the States. He could also be a good citizen in Liechtenstein.

BB: He wasn't such a good citizen in Austria, where his girlfriend embezzled funds and he laundered the money.

Vinnie: They both also paid their debt to society and the girlfriend is now his ex. He deserves a second chance.BB: Do you really think that he deserves another chance?Vinnie: Of course I do. I am the poster child for second chances. As you recall, I was in an asylum for the criminally insane. But I got a second chance in life and ended up on the Freedonian Olympic Ski Team.BB: But you actually never competed at the Olympics.Vinnie: That's beside the point. Even though I didn't get to compete, I was a member of the Freedonian Olympic Ski Team. But the Russians were somehow more impressed with my ability as a security man than as a skier. I will also be in Pyeongchang with Freedonia, either as a ski racer or on the security detail. I got a second chance and so should Andreas Evers.BB: If you really want to get technical, this is Herr Evers' third chance. He got his second chance with the US Ski Team. Vinnie: People should have as many chances in life as they need. Cats have nine lives and nobody says that they should have fewer.BB: Good point. So you don't think that Liechtenstein has to worry about money missing from the national treasury?Vinnie: Not at all. I expect that he will be a good citizen and help Tina to be the best she can be. BB: Do you think that all people deserve second chances?Vinnie: Yes. I would still be in the insane asylum in a straitjacket if nobody believed that I should have a second chance in life.BB: Let's say that Herr Evers did something worse than money laundering. Should he still get a second chance?Vinnie: Like what?BB: Suppose he got drunk, ran a red light, crashed into another car, and killed all of the passengers. Is that deserving of a second chance?Vinnie: That sounds like something that Stefan Abplanalp would do. He also got second and third chances with both Norway and the USA after he showed up drunk to a race. I'm sure someone will give him a fourth chance somewhere. Who knows, he may even join the Liechtenstein coaching staff.BB: If Herr Evers murdered someone, shouldn't he be in prison for life? Vinnie: Why would he kill someone?BB: Why do Mafia enforcers kill people?Vinnie: Hey, we only kill as a last resort! We Mafia hit men do everything possible to avoid killing people by using our powers of persuasion. I can be very persuasive because people tend to treasure their kneecaps or prefer their horses' heads to stay attached to their bodies.BB: Okay, let's change the scenario a bit. If Herr Evers was the mystery man on the grassy knoll in Dallas back in 1963, would he have deserved a second chance? Vinnie: If he was truly sorry and was egged on to do it by someone else, he should have the chance to move on with his life. I have killed people as part of my job and got second chances in life. I have a proper job with my family firm as well as being employed by Red Bull and Head and am also a ski racer.BB: One more scenario. Imagine that Herr Evers kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. Wouldn't he deserve to go to prison for that crime?Vinnie: It's much easier for me to imagine Bode and Morgan Miller kidnapping the Lindbergh baby than Andreas Evers. But in that case there should be no second chances. If Andreas Evers kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, he should be put away for a very long time. They should lock the door and throw away the key!BB: I can also imagine Bode and Morgan kidnapping the Lindbergh baby and holding him up for the cameras. On the other hand, there would be a lot of witnesses at a ski race and watching on TV who would report them to to police.Vinnie: Which is why someone who kidnaps a baby should not get a second chance. But Andreas Evers doesn't have to worry about that because he was a money launderer and not a baby snatcher. Let's see how he does in Liechtenstein with Tina Weirather.BB: Good idea. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Vinnie, I want to thank you for another interesting interview. Good luck with the consulting. I'm sure we will see you back in a Freedonian speed suit this season. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.
The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: None of our reporters are embezzlers, money launderers, assassins, or kidnappers. They are upstanding citizens.

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