10 New Ways to Be That Obnoxious Facebook Friend

Let me ask you something. When was the last time you took a bubble bath? How many minutes did you work out at the gym today? What exactly went into making your breakfast smoothie this morning? Do you find it weird that I'm asking? Well, I find it weird that you tell me. Every single day. On Facebook.

Look, I'm not really your friend. That term is used very loosely on Facebook. Odds are we met in elementary school and I only really talked to you once or twice during recess. That said, I don't need a play-by-play of your oh-so-fascinating life.

That obnoxious Facebook friend. We've all got them -- we hate them, but we don't defriend them. They're like a car crash: you just can't look away.

1. You're hashtag crazy. I know you're #happy and you're wearing #prettyshoes, but you are #reallyfrigginannoying so please #stop.

2. You're getting married. I totally get why you're excited. It's a big deal. Congrats, by the way. But I don’t need to know the moment you ordered your flowers, decided on your napkin holders, or took your last single-girl poop.

3. You lost your phone. I find it very odd when people lose their phones and think it's acceptable to create invites with 563 of their closest friends asking for their digits. Jeez, buy me a drink first.

4. You have a to-do list. Wow, you really have to drive your baby to daycare, mow the lawn, AND make dinner all before 6 p.m.? Gosh, it truly is a wonder how you find the time to Facebook as much as you do!

5. You "check-in" everywhere. Maybe if you're somewhere that's worth sharing ... like the moon, or the North Pole ... but other than that, I really, REALLY don't care that you're at the gynecologist.

6. You take photos of flowers. Your husband is a gem, you know that? But ask yourself this. If you get a bouquet of roses, and you don't post a photo on Facebook, did you really get a bouquet of roses?

7. You post song lyrics as statuses. Listen, I'm not a detective. If I have to work that hard to figure out what you’re trying to say, I’ll just move on. Weirdo.

8. You're think you're a weatherman. Not sure why I even bother watching the weather reports on TV since 85 percent of my Facebook friends are meteorologists.

9. You're a Debbie Downer. You lost your wallet, taped over your favorite episode of The Bachelor, AND got a parking ticket? Wah-waaaah. Calm down, Debbie.

10. You post random sad photos and make me feel bad. Of course I'd like to save that dog's life, but I'm almost positive that liking the photo will do NOTHING of the sort. Sorry.