Originally posted Nov. 15, 2102. Good reminders for the upcoming holiday season.

The holiday season is upon us. With it comes parties and gatherings along with travel and gift giving. Wow! So much to think about and so much to do. How do we handle the stress of the holidays? How do we manage to juggle the different needs and desires that come along with what is supposed to be The Most Wonderful Time of The Year?

Many people do not look forward to the holidays because of the painful memories that are associated with this time of year: divorces, deaths of loved ones, past hurts, etc. Many people have fears of what the holidays might bring. Because of the seasonal times, many people are depressed during the holidays. All of these issues can bring added stress to the holidays. So again, let me ask, “How do we handle the stress of the holidays?”

I have a few suggestions that might help you as you think about the upcoming events that can crowd our calendars.

1.Make a plan. Sit down with your family with a calendar and talk about the upcoming events. Prioritize the events as:

Mandatory

Best if attend

Good if attend

Want to attend but not important

Don’t need to attend

Now you might think that everything is mandatory for you to attend. I admit that family events are very important, but sometimes hard decisions need to be made for what is the most important concerning your needs for the time. If your calendar is too crowded with events over the holidays, you can feel overwhelmed and stressed which will cause a great deal of problems for you and you will not enjoy the season at all.

2.Make a budget. Again, sit down with you family and talk about what you can afford. Many people spend more money during this time of the year then they do any other time. Many people go into debt over Christmas, which creates many more problems in the future. Some questions that need to be answered:

Can we afford to travel?

What can we afford to purchase for each person that we buy for?

Can we afford to bring gifts to every party?

How can we do what we want to do without borrowing money?

I know that I am asking difficult questions. I know that I ask hard questions. Some of you might think that they are unrealistic and that is fine. Everyone chooses to celebrate the holidays in a way that they want, many times without consideration of how it is affecting their family and their relationships with others much less how it will affect their finances.

3. Communicate your plan. Tell your extended family and your friends what you will be doing during the holidays. Tell them the truth about the decisions you have made. Most of the time, family and friends will understand your decisions when they are communicated properly.

I know that so much is expected during the holidays. There are family parties, work parties, school events, along with church gatherings. I know that everyone wants to do everything, go everywhere, and give as much as possible. I am giving you some suggestions to help you eliminate as much stress as possible during them. When the stress levels are down, the enjoyment levels are much higher.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

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A few months ago, the debate of spanking children came to the forefront again with the story of Adrian Peterson’s arrest for child abuse with his son.So many different opinions concerning the disciplining of children were shared in every format possible.Some of those opinions favored Peterson’s parenting style, even to the point of saying that if more parents “whupped” their children we would have less domestic violence along with other issues that face our society today.Other opinions went to the other extreme stating that “whuppings” create violent offenders and should be banned everywhere.

Let me state, I am against child abuse!!

But I am not against spanking my children.

When it comes to disciplining your children, there are three pertinent factors to keep in mind.

Love for your children.No matter what the circumstances are, do your children know you love them.I remember as a child, my parents would talk to me about the spankings I received and I was told that I was loved.Maybe not right then, but I always knew that to be true.As a dad, I would try to tell my children how much I loved them, explain why they were being spanked or disciplined in other ways, and hug them afterwards.I wasn’t perfect in this regard, but I believe my kids always have known of my love for them.

Consistency.This aspect of discipline is probably the most crucial.Do you respond the same way each time your children do something that requires discipline?One of the worst things we can do as parents is ignore bad behavior until we just can’t take it any more and then we erupt.Children need to know right from wrong and know the consequences of the wrong.Those consequences can progress, but the attitude toward the wrong needs to be consistent.Something doesn’t need to be OK one time and then deserve a spanking the next time.

“The punishment needs to fit the crime.”In other words, spankings are not meant to be used as the only form of discipline.Time outs, groundings, toy removal, lectures, sentence writings, extra chores, along with spankings are all good forms of disciplinary actions. How severe is the wrong-doing? What is age appropriate? What will be the most meaningful at the time?

Your children need to be disciplined.The Bible says that God disciplines us as a father disciplines his own children. (Deut. 8:5)It is our responsibility as parents to seek God’s wisdom in how to discipline our children.

Solomon wrote in Prov. 13:24 “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”His father wrote in Psalm 23:4 “…Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”The shepherd would use the rod to protect the sheep or to discipline the sheep.The discipline might be to break a leg of the sheep to keep him from wandering off into dangerous areas.At that time the shepherd would have to carry the sheep until his leg healed.The staff was used to guide the sheep or to reach down into crevices to pull the fallen sheep back up.Both of these tools were used in the disciplining process.David says they bring protection and comfort.Our children need the protection and the comfort that our Godly, loving discipline brings.God has given us the example throughout His Word.Now we must follow that example.We must love our children to teach them and then discipline them as they need it.

What have been some creative ways that you have disciplined your children?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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Parenting is one of the easiest jobs in the world!! I don’t know what anyone is talking about when they say differently…

Obviously, that is absurd.Parenting is a very difficult job, if not the most difficult.God has given us the privilege of being the stewards of His gifts called children.He expects us to train them in His ways and to train them as individuals, all the while dealing with the myriad of outside influences that are attempting to drive them away from God as well as from each other.There are many questions that could be asked concerning this issue of the married life.Here’s a sampling:

When do we start having children?My wife and I had decided on a 5 year plan.God had other ideas as my wife had a miscarriage and was pregnant with our oldest before the first 6 months were completed.This fact truly created some hardships for us, but we believed that God had other plans for us rather than waiting for 5 years to have children.

How many children do you want to have?We talked about having 3, maybe four.We both grew up in a family with 3 children and we thought that was great.We had 2 children along with 2 miscarriages.Not quite the 4 we thought we would have, but this is what God planned for our lives.God knows exactly what we need, when we need it, and how we need it.This includes how many children we should have and when we should have them.

How do you discipline the children?Do you spank?Do you just do time-outs?Who is the primary disciplinarian?What do you do?Lisa and I learned to do whatever worked for the situation with the child in need of discipline.No two children are alike!!I can assure you that I did a whole lot more wrong than right when it came to disciplining my kids.Thankfully, God has blessed us with wonderful adult children who are now married with children of their own.

How do you educate your children?Do you put them in private schools?Do you home-school your children?Do you allow them to go into the public school system?Over the years, my wife and I talked about these things.Our children actually went to a private school for a while until we believed that God was calling my wife to be a public school teacher.We also talked about home-schooling our children, but we realized that the personalities involved would clash too much and it would not be beneficial to our family.Both of our children graduated from public schools.This is not a plug for any type of education.Just that we all need to address these issues in order to rear our children the way God wants us to.

There are many more questions that you could ask concerning your children.

I believe the most important issues when dealing with children are:

Do we agree that children are a gift from God?It is so important for couples to agree on this fact.The Bible says that God only gives good gifts, which means that children are just that — good gifts from God.

Are we motivated by love for our children?Your children do not need more friends; they need parents who will love them unconditionally and discipline them consistently.These two factors will help you be the parents that God desires for you to be.The unconditional love will allow your children to know acceptance the way God accepts them.God’s acceptance is not based on our behavior or our deeds, but own our being.We as parents need to accept our children the same way.The consistent discipline will create the proper boundaries for our children to grow and learn in a way that is safe for them.In such an environment, children will flourish as God intends for them to.

Am I a perfect parent?No way.I made a lot of mistakes along the way.Just ask my kids.But one of the things that I believe I did right — I love them unconditionally.I always have and I always will.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

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Men, have you ever thought about what you wife’s greatest need is in a relationship with you? I would like to know how she would answer you. I wonder if she would mention that she needs to be listened to more and understood better. Maybe she would point out that she desires more attention to what she is doing that cannot be interrupted. I wonder if she might tell you that she really would like for you to care about what she cares about more. I’m not sure what she might say, but I have heard so many different answers; yet at the same time most of the answers are very similar. So let me share with you what I believe is the answer that we need to focus on.

Before I give you the one word answer, I want to show you how we get to that answer.

The Bible uses four primary words in Ephesians 5 and I Peter 3 telling husbands how to treat their wives. The first of those words is Love.

Ephesians 5:25 (NASB) 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

The word that is used in this verse translated “Love” is the word that describes God’s love. This means that the love is to seek the best in the recipient of the love and is also seen as being sacrificial and unconditional in how it is presented. So I want you to think for a moment about how you love your wife. Do you seek the best in your wife? Are you sacrificial in your love? Is your love unconditional or do you expect your wife to earn or maintain your love?

The second word that is used in Ephesian 5 is Nourish.

Ephesians 5:28-29 (NASB) 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

The word for nourish deals with feeding to bring to maturity. This word primarily used describing the parent relationship with their child, but here it is suggesting that the husband is to provide for and protect his wife. When we nourish our wives, they will flourish in all they do. I ask husbands if their wives are better off because they are married to them. If not, then how can the husband improve on that aspect of the relationship.

The third word is Cherish. This word means to warm and foster with tender care. The only other place this word is used in all of scripture is in I Thes. 2:7 where Paul is talking about a mother nursing her baby. How does that baby feel in his momma’s arms? How is that momma looking at her child? I realize that the relationship between a momma nursing her child is unique. I believe that our wives need to feel that they are special to us and that they are treated with tender compassion. I won’t ask a question here; I’ll just make a statement concerning the need that is addressed here. When we yell at our wives, they will not feel cherished. They need us to be gentle with them.

The final word is the word that we looked at yesterday and that is Understanding. I will not go into more detail on that principle but if you have not read yesterday’s post, look down the page and find Understanding Your Wife.

Now that you have all four words – Love, Nourish, Cherish, and Understand – let me give you the one word answer to the original question. SECURITY!!

There are several aspects of security in your relationship with your wife. I just want to mention different areas of security that your wife needs. At a later date, I will address them at length.

Physical Security

Financial Security

Emotional Security

Sexual Security

Spiritual Security

Now, gentlemen, how are you doing in the area of providing security for your wife? If we want our wives to be happy and fulfilled in our marriages, their need of security has to be met!

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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This past week I had the opportunity to go home to sit with my dad while he was in the hospital.I got to sit with him during the night times while my mom stayed with him during the day time.Over the past few years, I have had this opportunity several times.This time was different as I was alone with my dad a great deal of the time.We talked about a lot of different topics from sports, family, health, and marriage.Our relationship over the years focused on primarily sports and work.My dad took me to professional and college sporting events from as long as I can remember.I grew up going to see the Houston Astros when Caesar Cedeno, Bob Watson, and Roger Metzger played. (Just to name a few of the players I remember.)My dad took me to see the Houston Rockets play back when they played in the Hoffeinz Pavilion.Rudy T was the player I remember the most along with Moses Malone when he played for the Rockets.I know that my memory is not as good as it ought to be when it comes to players.In December of 1971, my dad and I got to go see the Cowboys play when Texas Stadium first opened.Craig Morton and Roger Staubach rotated as quarterback most of that season.Calvin Hill was the running back.I realize that I could continue to talk about all the players my dad took me to go see as I was growing up.Most of our relationship was built around sports.I am not saying that my dad has not been a great dad.He not only took me to many ball games of all kinds, he also taught me the importance of going to church and doing for others.

There were two times this past week that I felt were the most important parts of the time with my dad.

He talked about his relationship with my mom, his wife.He told me about the first time he saw my mom on the college campus.He said that the first time he saw her, he told the individual that he was with that she was the prettiest girl he had ever seen.As he was talking about that day, he lit up like a Christmas tree.He continued talking about how he knew that God had put her into his life and that she was God’s gift to him for the rest of his life.So far they have been married for 61 years.What a legacy that he has given me.

During the couple of nights that I stayed with him, he began talking to me about who I am.He commented on my willingness to stay with him and meet his needs while I was there.He actually made the statement “You didn’t get that from me.”I am not sure that was a true statement as I have seen him serve others in a lot of different ways.His statements to me were very humbling as he has always been someone that I have looked up to over my life.

The importance of these conversations to me hopefully will help me be a better dad and husband.To hear my dad talk about how God has given him a wife as a gift so many years ago reinforces my perspective of my wife.My wife is also a gift from God.As long as you have that perspective, you can have the endurance to go the distance in marriage.Life can be very difficult at times.During those difficulties, you need a strong foundation.That foundation has to be built on God and His involvement in your marriage.My dad shared with me his private relationship with God.This was a first time for that.I have always known that my dad was a Christian, but this past week he made it very personal.Again, he allowed me a close look at his foundation.I hope that I can share my life with my children in a way that will help build their foundations.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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In the spirit of Throw-Back-Thursday, I thought I would repost my most viewed blog. Originally posted Aug. 20, 2012

Ephesians 5:31-33

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she[a] respects her husband.

When a couple comes into my office the very first time, I usually ask each person what the problem in their marriage is according to their opinion. Many times one or both individuals will answer with “if my spouse would change, we would be fine.” I always chuckle at remarks such as this because we as people are always quick to blame someone else so we do not have to focus on our own behavior. Even after explaining that each person in the marriage plays a role in the harmony as well as the conflict, I have had several continue to insist that the problem in the other person in the relationship.

Today, I would like to share with you that an attitude like that is most likely the main problem in the conflict. You see, when a person is unwilling to examine his/her own life and own behavior, change will not occur which means that the conflict will just be a merry-go-round with some ups and downs but always end up at the same place. I don’t know about you but merry-go-rounds are not my favorite rides at the carnival. Matter of fact, I have not been on one at the carnival or fair in about 20 years when my children needed me to ride with them.

So how do you get off the merry-go-round in your marriage and begin moving toward the common goal of a harmonious relationship that is fulfilling for each person involved?

Here are several things that need to be addressed.

You have to take your eyes off your spouse’s behavior. When you are focused on your spouse’s behavior, you cannot look at yourself and the role you are supposed to play. You see, the Bible gives each the husband and the wife a role to play. There has to be a balance between the two for the relationship to work properly. (Now if your spouse is being abusive or committing adultery, that is another subject all together. This discussion is for those conflicts that occur in most relationships.)

You need to ask the question “What am I doing wrong?” As I have already stated that each person plays a role in the conflict as well as the cooperation. Are there areas of relationship that you could be doing things differently or better? Are you being selfish in some of your thinking? Are you more concerned about your needs than the needs of your spouse? All of these questions need to be answered. If any of them are answered “yes” then you have some work to do on your own behavior.

You need to ask the question “What am I doing right?” You might be confused with this question. Sometimes a person loses sight of what is good in his/her behavior. Many individuals believe the lie that he/she is the total problem in the marriage, which is not the case. (Again, we are not dealing with adultery or abuse here.)

You need to remember you are on the same team. Your spouse is not the enemy. Satan loves to bring conflict into marriages. He uses whatever means he can to separate the union that God has brought together, even if that means creating disharmony through friction. A husband and wife are to be one in spirit as well as flesh. If a couple does not remember this, the clash of the two will bring a chasm that is difficult to overcome.

When your favorite football team takes the field in a couple of weeks, I want to encourage you to notice if the offense is blaming the defense for the mistakes being made or for the losses incurred. Maybe the defense is blaming the offense for the losses. Which ever the case, that team is in trouble!! But, if when a team loses, everyone begins talking about the changes they need to make and they win as a team and lose as a team, there is hope for that team to improve. The same is true for your team of being a husband and wife. If you can identify what you are doing wrong and what you need to work on and allow your spouse to do the same, your marriage can be a winning marriage moving in the right direction of bringing God glory and you fulfillment.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

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I’m De’ Head!!

I’ve heard men actually say that in counseling sessions. I’ve had to laugh when someone has said that. I thought for a minute that they would start beating their chest to prove their dominance. I remember reading in a book that if you had to announce your headship, you weren’t the head.

1 Corinthians 11:3 (NASB95)

3 But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

Ephesians 5:23 (NASB95)

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

These two verses are the two that point to the fact that a man is the head of his wife and therefore is responsible as such. What does it mean for a man to be the head of his wife?

Here are a couple of thoughts about this Biblical principle.

It is a God-given responsibility. It does not say anything about the man being smarter or better than the wife. It is a position that is given based on God’s order and design.

This responsibility has a perfect example as Ephesians 5 says. A man’s example of how to be the head is Jesus Christ. You might be thinking that it is an impossibility to follow that example, so why try? We try because it is what is best for our marriage as well as our relationship with God.

This position can be misused and abused easily. Many men try to dominate their wives which is not leading them. Other men try to pacify their wives, which allows the wives to be the leaders. Both of these are abuses/misuses of the position.

Let’s look at our example and how He interacted with the people He was sent to lead.

Jesus was a servant. The main stories of Jesus serving the disciples is found in John 13. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. Understanding the humility of His actions is extremely important. Jesus could have required someone else to do this because he was the master, yet he chose to do it himself. As husbands we must be humble and be willing to serve as it is needed.

Jesus was compassionate. There are several examples of his compassion with people. How he interacted with children, how he spoke with the “woman at the well,” how he was non-judgmental with the woman who anointed his feet with the oil and wiped his feet with her hair are a few of the examples that come to my mind this morning. Husband, are you compassionate with your wife? Do you care about her feelings, wants, and needs?

Jesus was forgiving. On several occasions Jesus told people that their sins were forgiven. I guess the main story of that is found when the Pharisees brought the woman caught in adultery for Jesus to judge. If we are going to be the godly head of our wife, we have to have a forgiving spirit. No one has a perfect wife (mine is close tho) and therefore, we must be willing to forgive.

I could continue to show things about Jesus that we are to follow His example in doing as we lead our wives, but I am not trying to write a book with this blog post.

I want to conclude with what I think is the most important aspect of following Jesus’ example of being the head.

Jesus spent time with The Father.Men if we are going to lead our wives as we are supposed to, our relationship with God must be growing and dynamic. Without spending time with God through prayer and reading His word, we will not know how to follow Jesus’ example and will not be a good head.

When we follow Our Lord’s example, we will NOT have to declare that we are the head. It will be obvious!!

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“My husband has been cheating on me and I do not know if I can ever forgive and forget such an act.”

“My wife talks to me with such disrespect and hatred that I’m not sure that I will ever be able to forgive and forget that.”

I know that I could continue with different scenarios, but I think you get the picture of how many people feel about forgiving someone. It is a misnomer that someone would be able to forget something that has created such hurt in his/her life. Since that is the fact, what does it mean for us to forgive someone?

Matthew 6:14-15 (NASB) 14 “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Every person I know wants to be forgiven by God, therefore they struggle with the idea that they have to forgive whomever has hurt them.

We read also about God’s forgiveness: Isaiah 43:25 (NASB) 25 “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins. Wow!!! God says He will not remember our sins and we are supposed to forgive as He has forgiven.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB) 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (emphasis mine)

I want to add one more verse to the list of verses I’m using today because I think that we need to have a better understanding of how we are to forgive as well as then behave with the offender.

This verse seems to be saying something different than the other verses. I do know that the following verse tells us Luke 17:4 (NASB) 4 “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

In order to get a grasp on forgiving someone, we have to look at each principle that is given to us in scripture.

The first principle that we need to understand is that we have to have a attitude of forgiveness if we expect God to forgive us. As Jesus is teaching us how to pray, he includes that we must forgive so that we can be forgiven. How presumptuous it would be for us to expect God to forgive us if we are unwilling to forgive someone else. If we harbor unforgiveness, then we are not willing to be Christ-like. When we choose to be unChrist-like than God is not going to forgive us, until we repent.

The second principle that we need to understand is that God chooses not to remember our sins. God cannot forget anything. He knows every thing. I believe that when God sees us, He is looking at us through the blood of Christ that has been applied to our lives through our salvation. Therefore, He chooses to see the sacrifice and not the sin and He does not hold the sin against us because of what Jesus has done for us. We can enter into God’s presence because of this.

What does this mean for us as we forgive others? We will not forget what has occurred to us. Our minds hold on to hurts and trauma as well as special events and details. When someone has wronged us, it would then be unrealistic to ever believe that we would be able to forget. What we must do is to make a conscious effort to not hold the wrong against the person who has wronged us. This effort obviously would be easier for lesser offenses than it would be for something major. If your spouse has committed adultery, then you will have to wrong harder at not “remember” the offense.

The third principle that we need to understand is that our ability to forgives comes from our understanding of how much God has forgiven us. That understanding only comes when we truly consider the cost of our forgiveness in the first place. We are in the days of celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. He had to leave heaven to be born into this world. He lived a sinless life and then died a substutionary death for us so that the penalty of sin would be paid. He then rose from the grave and then assended into heaven so that we could join Him one day. Our forgiveness cost Jesus Christ every thing. When we forgive others, we must be willing to “pay” a price.

The final principle that I believe is important for us to understand about forgiveness is that true forgiveness cannot come without repentance. Dr. Ronald Hawkins wrote that forgiveness without repentance is cheap. (Totally Sufficient, pg. 213) The word repent means to do an about face and go the other direction. Repentance carries with it an attitude of humility and a willingness to follow the guidelines that are in place. When forgiveness is offered without repentance, the offender will continue to abuse or misuse the offended. In salvation, we have the ultimate forgiveness. Our relationship with God is secure because all of our sins (past, present, and future) are forgiven. But we are told in scripture to repent and to ask for God’s forgiveness. (I John 1:9) When we sin after our salvation, the fellowship with God is broken and we must repent in order for Him to restore that fellowship. The same is true with people around us. The true fellowship of the intimate relationship of marriage or family can only be sustained when there is repentance along with forgiveness. When there is repentance, trust can be rebuilt and reconciliation can take place. Without repentance, the relationship is void of those qualities.

We must be forgiving people. We must live with an attitude of forgiveness. We also are told by Christ that we can expect repentance for true forgiveness to be given.

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The marriage vows, “Till Death Do Us Part,” seem to have lost their significance. Divorce is rampant all around us, including in the leadership of the church. I know pastors that are serving in churches that are divorced and remarried. I know churches that just turn a blind eye to that fact. I have heard on many occasions by clients that “God told them to leave their spouse.” I always just ask, “Really?” I have a difficult time believing God tells anyone to go against His Word. God does not contradict Himself ever. Before I anger everyone reading this today, let me explain that I know there are Biblical reasons for divorce. I believe that a life of adultery is the main reason for divorce in scripture. I also believe that physical abuse is another Biblical reason. I believe that if an unbelieving spouse leaves a believer, that is also a Biblical reason. I have heard some others try to add more reasons, but I think they are stretching scripture to fit their desires. Most of those are not the reasons I have heard the most recently. Why do people divorce most of the time? At least this is what I hear seemingly the most…”I am not happy and God wants me to be happy.” You know, I want to be happy. I like being happy. There are some days that I am deliriously happy. I’m not sure that I can prove that God ever says that He wants me to be happy. The word that is used over and over in the Bible is “joy.”

Jesus says These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. (John 15:11 NASB)

God created us to give Him glory and show the world our relationship with Him. He wants us to be full of His joy because the world doesn’t understand it. He wants us to be full of love for others, because that is a foreign idea to our society as well as our world. Now, let’s go back to marriage. God has designed marriage to reflect His relationship with man. Remember that the very first marriage was found in the Garden of Eden when Adam had a need that was unmet. God chose to meet that need with His gift of Eve. Why? Because there was an intimacy that God understood that was not being met in any other way. God saw and met the need in a way that would reflect man’s need for an intimate relationship with the Creator as well. It really aggravates me when I see people who just throw away their marriage and then say that God gave them permission to do so.

For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” (Malachi 2:16 NASB)

You see, God says that He hates divorce and He actually hates the one that covers his garment with wrong. What I believe that means is that He hates the one that tries to excuse himself for doing what is wrong. Wow! Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I know that God has used the divorce of some to move them to a point of realizing they need a better relationship with Him. I have helped people get right with God after a divorce. I just wonder sometimes what marriage inside of the church would look like if more people would focus on being full of God’s joy, instead of selfish happiness. I wonder if people would focus on getting right with God within their marriages instead of getting out of the marriage and then getting right with God. If you are divorced, I am not judging you. I understand that every situation in different. I also believe that God loves you enough to die on the cross for your sins just as He has mine. He is more interested in His relationship with you than He is your marriage. I also realize that you might have a Biblical reason for divorce. Today I am writing this because I have seen and heard so many Christians say “God told me to get a divorce” while they did not have the Bible backing them up with what they were saying. Again, God never contradicts Himself. He never tells you to do something that cannot be backed up with scripture. Those of us who are married, let’s make sure we remember the vow “Till death do us part!”

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Yesterday I wrote The Woman’s Greatest Need in Marriage and I finished by giving a list of the areas women need security. Today I would like to discuss the area of sexual security for a woman and how a husband can make his wife feel secure sexually.

We live in a very sexually charged society. We cannot drive down the road without seeing sexually explicit billboards. We’ve all heard the adage that sex sells. Well everything from the beer companies to the car companies believes that statement. When we turn on the TV we see all kinds of degrees of sexual content from the commercials to the shows themselves. Even when we open our mailboxes, there can be ads that are not the most wholesome. So what do we do about all of this in our marriages?

Women, for the most part, are very conscientious about their bodies. They have been comparing themselves to photos and other women most of their lives. Do I look as good as so-and-so? How do I compare to ________? I don’t like this area of my body or any part of my body. Then they see the models or the ads and it can create even more frustration and insecurity than ever before. If a woman has a baby, her body changes and then more insecurities can be felt. As a woman gets older, insecurities can prevail in her thinking.

Wow, when we start thinking about how a woman can feel about herself, we can see how difficult it is to maintain security in our relationship with them. So how do we maintain security in our sexual lives with our wives?

Having Eyes just for them. We need to be cautious of who we look at and how we look. I realize that many men do not think that it is wrong to look at other women. I have been told, “even though I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” I can tell you that an attitude like that does not create a secure atmosphere for a wife. Men, we need to focus on making sure that we do not stare, gawk or really even look at someone else. Even the TV shows that we watch can create insecurity for our wives. How do we respond to commercials or to how the people are dressed in the programs that we watch are very important. A lot of the time, I close my eyes or look at my wife during certain commercials or programs. She then tells me when I can look. This action by me helps my wife feel secure in our relationship.

Job 31:1 (NASB) 1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?

Matthew 5:28 (NASB) 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

NO PORN!! I realize that this one is similar to the first one, but I want to reiterate this point. Pornography is demeaning to women. Your wife believes that she cannot compete with the women in the pictures and would not be able to perform as those women perform in the videos. If you want your wife to feel secure with you, you cannot be involved in such behavior.

Complement your wife. Tell her that you find her attractive. Tell her what you like about her body in flattering ways. Do not talk nasty. Most women again find this demeaning. I know that I am talking in generalities, but most of the time they are right.

Song of Songs 4:1 (NASB) 1 “How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead.

Talk about Sex. Talk about her needs and desires. Let her tell you what she likes. Let her guide you. It will be probably more enjoyable for you as well as for her. Tell her what you want and need. Wait for her response. Don’t force her to try something that she is uncomfortable with.

I know that these are just a few suggestions and there can be so much more written. I would love to hear how you can add to this.