Member Movie Reviews

Damian M. (ratchet) Reviewed on 3/11/2009...

An AWOL military team trying to make on their own in the ongoing post-apocalyptic battle against the mutants. They find an heavily-fortified abandoned structure. Soon they start to find clues of what happened to former tenants when they start disappearing and/or acting strange ala pod people. Sounds better than it is. Funny monster at end, otherwise just an excuse for Linnea Quigley to get naked.

Movie Reviews

David DeCoteau's Creepozoids

Charles Tatum | 06/05/2002

(1 out of 5 stars)

"The year is 1998, six years after a nuclear war has leveled the earth. Don't you love sci-fi movies that make dire futuristic predictions, just so we can live through the very years that are supposed to be among mankind's worst? Anyway, a band of two women and three men, all army deserters, find a strange bunker laboratory where an experiment gone awry waits to pick them off one by one... if you have chills from this plot description, turn down your air conditioner. This same exact plot has been done to death in so many films, I am sick of mentioning it, although I just did. What is wrong with this film? Where do I begin?The budget is so low, when characters run down the main laboratory hallway, you can tell it is obviously a self storage locker building someplace. The band of deserters have deserted the army, even though the long prologue tells us the earth is a burnt out shell. Who is the army fighting if everyone was killed by the nuclear fallout and acid rain? The army must also be desperate for recruits. Count how many times a creature or giant rat attacks someone while another cast members just stands there and watches, "frozen in fear." The creature, looking like a giant dung beetle (how appropriate, he should have started eating the script first), is never explained, except for some talk about amino acids. There is a scene that rips off "Alien"'s dinner time/chest explosion scene, except the budget was so low, the guy has a hissy fit and spits black goo. After most of the cast is killed, the lone survivor kills the creature. The creature then regenerates a killer baby through its head, and the survivor must fight the baby, eventually killing it by strangling it with its own umbilical cord... nice, huh? How did the baby regenerate? I do not know, and the film makers decided it was not important enough to explain.Linnea Quigley finds time with all the hullabaloo and goings-on to have a shower quickie with one of the hunky deserters. The other female also tries to take a shower, but she forgot her death was scheduled at the same time, and prior commitments should be honored.The monster lives in a room only accessed through ventilation shafts that lead to a desk where the compound's only computer rests. Everyone stares at the computer, then crawls under the desk to find some answers. The film is less than eighty minutes long, and is padded with cast members crawling around the ventilations shafts with flashlights...and crawling...and finding some goo...and crawling...and crawling some more. Watch for the end credits, perhaps the slowest credits scroll ever committed to celluloid.So, what is a "creepozoid," anyway? I do not know, no one in the film ever says that word. This "Creepozoid," on the other hand, is a cheap gory mess that seems to have been written around Quigley's two nude scenes. Do not bother exerting any effort to see this, the film makers sure did not exert any effort to make this.This is rated (R) for strong physical violence, gun violence, strong gore, profanity, female nudity, brief male nudity, some sexual content, and adult situations."

Exploitation at its best

celica bound | atlanta ga | 11/20/2004

(5 out of 5 stars)

"linnea quigley has to be the queen of scream there's are alot of females actesses that make that claim but linnea is the best.Creepozoids is not one her best but worth adding to your linnea collection.I gave this movie a 5 stars because the ideal was there but sadly the budget was not.But anyway linnea is the best at what shes does and hopefully she will never change exploitation its her best trade."

The cinematic equivalent of a knee to the crotch

Jeffrey Leach | Omaha, NE USA | 05/07/2007

(2 out of 5 stars)

"You gotta love the 1980s! I pity the youngsters born after the Age of Reagan. Why? Because they will sit down in front of the television set, watch a cheese filled flick like David DeCoteau's "Creepozoids," and despise it intensely without every understanding the context that allowed such a monstrosity to see the light of day. You must understand the Gipper, MTV, and Member's Only jackets to get this flick. Actually, not really. None of those things have anything to do with "Creepozoids". There exist only two things you need to know about the 1980s in order to understand this movie: nose candy and the arrival of videocassette recordings. The former sufficiently dulled the senses of movie executives in such a manner that they thought dreck like this had a chance to make money. The latter actively encouraged the production of thousands of zero budget crudfests because the rise of video stores demanded shelves full of new product. Not necessarily GOOD product, mind you, but product that would empty the wallets of every yahoo with a membership card. And there you go. These two elements of the 1980s, working in concert, explain why a movie like "Creepozoids" got the green light.

The green light leaves us, the viewers, to pick up the assorted pieces in order to fashion a coherent narrative. Good luck on that coherency thing. "Creepozoids" is a mess of a film. It's also a moderately entertaining one if the viewer possesses a taste for especially tangy cheese. It all starts with our heroes, deserters from the army no less, seeking shelter in an underground facility. It's the year 1998, and World War III has turned the world into a smoking cinder plagued by periodic bouts of highly toxic acid rain. Our cast seeks shelter from one of these storms, although it's very likely they're also seeking refuge from their agents and publicists. Anyway, the group consists of two women, Bianca (Linnea Quigley) and Kate (Kim McKamy), and three men: Butch (Ken Abraham), Jesse (Michael Aranda), and Jake (Richard L. Hawkins). The horrors that await our heroes and heroines down in the depths! What lies in this refuge of last resort is so horrific, so terrible, and so incomprehensible beyond any human understanding that the trauma endured by actress Kim McKamy caused her to morph into adult film star Ashlyn Gere. It's that utterly catastrophic to the human soul!

Nah, it's not that bad unless you expected to see a quality picture. What our deserters discover in this dank cavern is a government weapons program gone horribly awry. That, and they also find some hilariously inept rat puppets. The group also finds a shower that will accommodate a topless Bianca, a storage room, a cheesy computer terminal, and some tunnels in which everyone can run around looking scared. And the creepozoid. What's that? Oh, not much. Some dude dressed up in a black rubber outfit whose primary mission involves dispatching the deserters in unpleasant ways. Think "Alien" and you're on the right track--except not nearly as frightening, creative, or realistic in any way, shape, or form. To save a few bucks, we don't see much blood. Instead, the creature and its offspring (!) cause their victims to spew a black substance that looks suspiciously like the 10W-30 I drained out of my car last week. Anyway, lots of running around and acting idiotic leads up to a denouement of a decidedly underwhelming nature as the sole survivor deals with the nasty monster. Was there ever any doubt of such a conclusion? Nope. Sadly, the movie seems to set itself up for a sequel.

I pretty much knew what I was getting myself into when I picked up this clunker. With a title like "Creepozoids," coupled with that laughable cover art on the DVD case, how could I claim otherwise? Let's run down the list of the film's main points, shall we? A director known for his association with schlockmeister Charles Band? Check. Scream queen Linnea Quigley in the middle of her nose candy years? Check. Linnea Quigley topless in the shower? Check. Ubercheesy monster that looks like a four year old made it out of pipe cleaners and playdoh? Check. A post-apocalyptic setting that actually looks like my basement tricked out with a few props picked up at the local hardware store? Check. A toilet paper script delivered with all the flair of a semi-comatose mental patient reading Finnegan's Wake? Check. I think there's enough in that list to convince you we're not watching "Citizen Kane" here. If you want to see "Citizen Kane," go rent it. Pick up "Creepozoids" if you're feeling cheap, cheesy, and sleazy. Pick it up if you're suffering from insomnia. Pick up my copy. Please. I'm begging you. Seriously, the reek wafting off of this film is starting to contaminate my other DVDs.

In all seriousness, however, Linnea Quigley fans will probably want to view the film. Those viewers afflicted with the need to watch endless mounds of bad science fiction (I plead guilty) will also want to give this one a watch. The movie does have a certain nostalgic charm for me since this is the stuff I grew up watching on cable television after a hard night of partying. I guess I ought to say something about the technical aspects of the disc. The picture and audio quality isn't great, but they aren't bad either. Both are adequate for this type of movie. As for supplements, don't expect grandiose commentaries or extensive behind the scenes features. In fact, the disc I viewed had zero extras. There might have been a trailer for the film thrown in, but I don't remember. I was too traumatized to care. So why am I going to give "Creepozoids" two stars instead of one? Because it's the type of film you can laugh at while sitting around with your buddies. That ought to count for something, don't you think?"

Crapozoids

M. Ryan Fairbanks | Cleveland, Ohio | 07/24/2009

(2 out of 5 stars)

"Dear Lord what a pile of rubbish. To simply describe Creepozoids as another low budget horror film would just be unfair. Movies like this truly are in a league all their own.

The year is 1998, and nuclear war has reduced the earth to nothing more than a smoldering, blackened shell of a planet. The only form of human life remaining are small bands of soldiers who struggle to survive the acid rain and the creatures that rise from the nuclear waste. (Mind you we don't actually see this acid rain or the creatures, the opening credits simply tell us about it with text). A particular group of these soldiers have deserted the army to start lives of their own in a military bunker, but what they don't expect is the creature waiting for them within.

I'm always up for some nonsensical 80's horror gobbledy gook, but Creepozoids is just downright offensive in it's stupidity. What we have here is a group of people running around what is obviously one of those rental storage spaces while they get chased down by giant rat puppets and a guy in a black rubber alien suit. Because this movie really doesn't deserve the time to be analyzed, I'll summarize by saying that every aspect of Creepozoids from the acting to the special effects are the worst of the worst. Even if you're just in it for the laughs, it's rough times ahead.

There are certainly worse movies out there, but don't take that as a sign to run out and see Creepozoids. Leave this one for the most hardcore collectors and horror completists."

Great movie...until the ending...

Trent Steel | 02/16/2008

(4 out of 5 stars)

"This movie is pretty crazy!It takes place in the future and is about a group of "deserters" who in order to avoid the acid rain hide in a building. In this building there is a monster who kills a bunch of them off and keeps spitting stuff on the others. If things weren't bad enough there is also a rodent problem, for some reason there are big rats attacking people. The movie takes a bad turn when the main creature turns into a baby and then stalks the only remaining character for the rest of the movie.The scene last like 30 minutes and is so freaking bad, other than that the movie is pretty cool."