What you’ll
need: a Bible, a ballpoint pen, survival gear, heavy munitions, an autographed
picture of Tim LaHaye, whiteout, a small child, a length of rope, a pinch
of hubris and a sense of adventure!

Step 1: Gather
your equipment, firearms, small child and anyone you love in the apocalypse-proof
bunker of your choice (remember to think of brimstone retardant and overall
material strength!).

Step 2: Turn
your bible to the last page and find Rev 22.18: “For I testify unto every
man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall
add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written
in this book:”

Step
3: Defy the explicit orders of the literal god by using your pen to “add
unto” the text of the book. For brevity’s sake, don’t try to be creative.
We recommend a juvenile phrase like “donkey fart” or “jiggle flaps.” Having
defamed the preternatural pages, there are only two possible results!

Step 4: Wait
approximately 20 minutes for best results of the experiment. While waiting,
clean your guns and use the length of sturdy rope to fasten yourself to the
small child’s ankle (if the experiment goes “poorly,” you may still be able
to ascend to heaven via the small child). Keep your ears open for trumpets!

Step
5:Now look out your bunker periscope! Do you see
the fifth angel opening the bottomless pit, out of which pours
scorpions and locusts that collect into the form of apocalyptic
horsemen with tails of serpents that spit fire and sulfur
from their lion toothed mouths? Your observations will tell
you how the experiment is going.

RESULT #1:

Oops!
A literalist God exists and you have been left behind, partially because performing
this experiment demonstrates your lack of faith, but mainly for ending the
world. Immediately use the whiteout to take away your rapture-educing act
of blasphemy. Keep monitoring the buoyancy of the small child. If the whiteout
doesn’t stem the tide of death, disease and destruction, use the roped, sinless
child to tow you into the loving arms of the lord. If the small child proves
sinful and earthbound: you must use your winning personality, arsenal and
autographed photo of Tim LaHaye to get in good with Jesus. You’re really going
to want to die, but hang in there (don’t forget to slaughter the child for
posterity!).

RESULT #2:

D’oh! A literalist
God is bullshit, and you have wasted many hours, your life savings and the
mental health of a small child for a scientific proof should have been able
to deduce a priori. Nice work, Gomer!

Experiment
#2

Prove
/ disprove Darwin’s theory of evolution!

What you’ll
need: Prescriptions for high dosages of the most modern antibiotics, a 50
ml vial of staphylococcus aureus bacteria, a syringe, a microscope, a centrifuge,
a priest, a calculator, graph paper, a straight edge, pencils and a notepad.

Step 2: Wait
for the incredibly painful symptoms to begin (remember to record your observations
of the bacteria’s effects in your notepad!).

Step 3: Begin
the first course of antibiotics. If you regain consciousness, use your scientific
apparatus to make a physical count, in parts per million, of the staphylococcus
and antibiotics in your blood. If you have performed the experiment correctly,
you should see an inverse correlation between the level of antimicrobial agents
and the level of flesh eating bacteria.

Step 4: Continue
your antimicrobial regimen. While you are healthy enough, use your graph paper
and straight edge to plot your progress on a line graph…

Step 5: After
several days of intense vomiting and dysentery, your graph should show the
parts per million of bacteria to be swiftly overtaking the number of antimicrobials.

Step 6: Repeat
steps 3, 4 and 5 with progressively higher doses of stronger antibiotics.
You may be able to do this 3 or 4 times before you die! Each time, your data
will show an initial relief of your physical duress and a lessening in staphylococcus
levels, relative to number of antimicrobial agents.

Step 7: Using
the straight edge and priest, calculate your last rites!

WHAT DID YOU
LEARN?

Evolution is
a fact! You wouldn’t be dying horribly now if not for the bacteria’s ability
to adapt to an increasingly hostile environment. The speed with which the
microbes ending your dumb hick life can develop resistance to antibiotics
clearly illustrates the validity of evolution as a scientific model. Mutant
bacterial strains, now unaffected by the antimicrobials, produce offspring
with the same immunity, and over successive generations have killed your ignorant
cracker ass. It’s all about survival of the fittest!

Next Issue
- Test the tensile sanctity of marriage against a corrosive homosexual
agent!