“She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.”
-Jerry Spinelli, Stargirl

March 25, 2011

And I love you for giving me your eyes, staying back and watching me shine,

And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm taking this chance to say

That I had the best day with you today."

I know that I must go back to school, face my math class and power through NROTC, but here I am, sitting in the upstairs window looking outside. I love being home. I am a hopeless romantic, a down-home girl, and an old soul. I would love nothing more than to sit on the porch with homemade lemonade and just listen to the crickets indefinitely.

I'll be back soon enough, but goodbyes might be the hardest thing in the world.

March 22, 2011

I love being home. I am savoring every single second. And it is bringing me all sorts of joy, but it is also making me sad. I'm suck in a really awkward position between childhood and adulthood. I never really understood at the time that I was truly a child in high school. And now, with just one year of school, I'm in the interm stage. I'm learning to be independent without being entirely on my own. This all hit me when I went up into the storage room upstairs to get one of my shirts. I found all of my clothes in one of the corners, along with various pieces of my room that have moved up there gradually as my room has shifted from my room to the guest room/my mom's sewing room. And I don't at all mind the transformation, I'm glad that the space is getting used. But what hit me was seeing things like my baby blanket, my stuffed animals and dolls, and my books. It was like that portion of my life had come to a quiet close without me even noticing. I know that I have to grow up, but a part of me desperately wants to just freeze that segment of my life. On some level, I never want to grow up. I want my perfect, quirky childhood room with the safety of mama and daddy just three steps down the hall.

This does not mean that I am not eager for the future. I love the independence of college life and planning for how I want to run my life and my own space. But it is hard to let go of such a wonderful part of my life. I loved childhood. My family is loving and kind and I am so grateful for the way I was raised. But it does make moving on so very hard. It's hard to let go of something so sure and so carefree.

I don't know how to feel. I am stuck, torn, and confused. I want to move on, but it is so hard to say goodbye to something that has such a soft spot in my heart. No wonder I cried so hard in Toy Story 3. I am Andy, and I am saying goodbye to Buzz and Woody.

March 19, 2011

I love airports. So much. I have a 4-hour layover in Detroit and I am thoroughly enjoying my people watching. I am sitting at gate A-77 with my headphones in to block out the news going on and on about everything that is going wrong in the world. I feel terrible for the people in Japan and am interested in the outcome of the Near East riots, but sometimes a girl really just needs some optimism. I know I talk about that all the time, but it’s because it’s so important to me. I completely understand the purpose of news, but I do not understand why it needs to be sensationalized and constantly negative. But anyway, that was not intended to be the focus of this post so I’ll leave that rant for another time.

The Detroit airport is quite a contrast to the drear of the news. It is big and open with sloping roofs and huge windows everywhere. There is even a tunnel leading to Terminal A with fun Manheim Steamroller-esque music coordinated with dancing light panels on both sides. I don’t use the moving walkway in the tunnel because I thoroughly enjoy the show. Today in particularly, I took a nice long walk between flights instead of using the Sky Tram or the moving sidewalks because I a) had time to kill and b) just really like airports.

I think it would be fun to do a photography project at an airport. Of course, there is all sorts of legal stuff that would get in the way of this, but I can still fantasize. I want to spend a whole day walking around and taking pictures of all the different personalities I see. The cute little girl with the hair wrap and huge bow. The businessman asleep at his laptop. The classic tourist with tube socks and safari hat. The sweats-clad college students eager to go home. The life-worn older couples with the weight of the world on their faces. The young couples trying to wrangle unruly children. The career-conscious businesswoman click-clacking down the tiles. The grumpy fat lady with a too-small shirt. The smart phone-enthralled, kind of frumpy late twenties “dude.” The family with teenage girls decked out for the beach and son who “so doesn’t want to be there.” I think you could get a pretty accurate representation of the world (or America at least) with something like that. Plus it would just be so much fun. (Sort of like Tibby’s “suckumentary” in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Oh, how I’d like to re-read those books. So good.). There is an escalator in the Detroit airport that easily ascends what would be 2.5 stories. It was there, coming up out of the musical tunnel, that all of this personality interest hit me. Everyone was frozen, evenly spaced on the long escalators which were peacefully escorting them to their destinations. Some people were scowling, others were smiling, and others looked pensive. Everyone was going somewhere. It’s fun to make up stories about their potential travels. It also shows just how many people are in the world and different everyone is. I find it fascinating.

Another thing about this airport: the birds. I am convinced that movies like A Bug’s Life and Toy Story are much more real than anyone realizes. And it is no difference with birds. I see two of them flying side-by-side along the contours of the roof then landing simultaneously on a window sill. Birds simply cannot be as stupid as “bird-brain” implies. Maybe they were having a race? Maybe its two teenage “lovebirds” on a romantic morning stroll? It’s entertaining to imagine.

All these thoughts remind me of The Terminal. If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s a must. You’ll never think of the airport the same way.

One thing I have noticed is that there are not many older folks in airports. Does that mean they are too frail or too afraid to travel? Or does it mean they’ve been everywhere they need go and are leaving the exploring to the next generation? Does it prove that home is really the best place to be?

Seeing as I am currently in the airport waiting to go home, I just might have to agree with them on that one. Home is the best place in the whole world.

March 7, 2011

It is 4:00 PM on a Monday afternoon, and I have a math problem set due at 7 that remains untouched. It is not so much that I don't want to do it, I am just having a hard time focusing and being motivated since the combination of all 12 of my homework assignments only add up to 2% of my overall grade. Not the best incentive to do the work...

Plus, I am just feeling content/thoughtful. Spring Break is less than 2 weeks away, KD Big-Little Week just finished, and I dropped Chem (for my own sanity - I'll take it next Spring instead). I am thinking a lot about the future. I do that a lot, don't I? Jackson and I drove to Syracuse on Saturday so I could get my military ID. I must admit, even though I am pretty sure that I wont be in ROTC next year, that ID card is pretty legit. I feel kind of BA with it in my wallet, haha. Anyway, the drive was the most pleasant break from everything. It was so nice to get off campus and talk about everything. We came to the conclusion that Cornell offers too many opportunities to not take advantage of being here, even if that means not being in ROTC (Navy OR Air Force). Jackson - being the wonderful person he is - also had to convince me that it is really ok to not follow through with everything I've started right off the bat. College is the time to explore and change and learn about yourself even more than learning about an particular subject. There are so many things on campus I want to do - Cornell Consulting Group, Interfaith Youth Core, Tour Guide, write for the Daily Sun... The options are endless. I also am considering doing a Co-Op work program, but I have to look into that more. The important thing is that I maintain balance while exploring. I am really excited.

We got over a foot of snow overnight last night and it really made me miss Vail. I hope to get back there at some point...

Anyway, I think I might maybe need to get back to work. I have a lot on my mind and a lot to say so I'm sure I'll be back soon enough.