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Horoscopes – 4/25/2014

The “My Impending Future Is Now Seeming All Too Real And I’m Not Ready” Edition

Aries Your four years at Emory are drawing to a close. This makes you both happy and sad. How original! You’ve expressed your originality on social media by updating your Facebook status about your “last college class.” Get the likes when you can; graduation is a Facebook-like jackpot.

Taurus Congratulations! You’ve just accepted a job, and it’s somewhere new and exciting. Somewhere with lots of Republicans. Somewhere that allegedly has amazing BBQ. Somewhere that might even want to secede from the United States. Somewhere like… Texas! Enjoy your time in your new city with your impressive new job. You deserve it.

Gemini You’re confused. You just don’t know what to do. Gap year? Job? Med school? The stars don’t have any advice for you, though. They’re just stars. And they think you should have figured this out in advance. So it’s sort of on you.

Cancer You’re not sure how you’ll be able to keep in touch with your friends after graduation. Stop whining about it, though. You have so many options. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Vine. MSN Messenger. It’s up to you to maintain the relationships.

Leo You have been feeling weird lately. It’s not about graduation, though. It’s, like, a throat thing. Not quite sore, but not quite itchy. And cough drops aren’t helping. Text your parent or legal guardian. They always know what to do about throat things.

Virgo You have a big decision to make, and your deadline is looming. It’s really stressing you out, and it should: your choice is something that will affect you for the rest of your life. To throw a metaphor out at you, it’s almost like you’re a student choosing between a law school in Chicago and in New York. To make the metaphor even more frightening, you only have until April 30. What will you do? The stars have some sage advice for you: ~follow your heart.~

Libra You’re going to Columbia to study journalism. I know that this sounds oddly specific, but it’s what the stars have in store. Congratulations on your accomplishments; you deserve all of your success. But don’t forget the little people when you get big.

Scorpio You’re afraid of falling at graduation, and you should be. You’re pretty clumsy. Be careful.

Sagittarius Don’t drink too much water before graduation. You’ll have to pee during an inopportune time.

Capricorn You might not have a job yet, but you do have a great new haircut. And that new haircut â€” it is everything. It completely changes your face. You look mature. You look sophisticated. You look sexy. And you’re definitely going to get that job. You know the one.

Aquarius This is your week to shine, Aquarius. And shine you will. Take your final days at Emory to shine. Figure it out. Shine. Just shine.

Pisces Your heart is large and open this week, but don’t let yourself become vulnerable. Allow only your inner circle to experience your love, because outsiders could cause you pain.