Wisconsin News & Notes

Imagine, if you will, that you were invited to a get-together at someone’s house. Appoximately 50 people were invited, not including the hostess and hosts. Imagine alcohol is being served freely, along with all manner of spicy snacks. Now imagine that you are chained to chair less than two feet from the bathroom door for the entirety of the party… say, 2 hours plus taxi time for takeoff and landing. Welcome to my flight home, where I got to smell shit for two hours. Highlight of the trip: the door to the bathroom was tough to slide into the LOCKED position, and an OLD lady went in. A minute later a man strode up and, seeing the door was unlocked, flung it open before I could utter the action-movie-cliched, “NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!” Well, now everyone can see grandma sitting on the pot. Huzzah. Second highlight of the trip (and when I say ‘highlight’ I mean something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy): a rather pretty woman went in there, and when she left the most godawful smell escaped with her. blech. The moral of the story: don’t ever, ever fucking sit in the last row of a small airplane next to the bathroom.

Last night the family ate at the new Japanese Steakhouse/Sushi restaurant in downtown Racine. It’s called Shogun and it’s across the street from Kewpee’s, which I found… not odd I suppose but strangely amusing. I’d like to take a time machine back to 1988 and stride into Kewpee’s and tell Dave Kristopeit, “Hey, in 17 years the only restaurants left in Racine will be Kewpee’s and a sushi joint.” Then I’d like to say, “OOOOOooooooOOOOOOOHHHHH, I’m the ghost of the future, and I’ve come to tell you that your son will go to college for 4 years, and when he is done he will be… A PROFESSIONAL GAMBLER! bwahahahahahaha!”

Another funny story from Racine: last night I was playing some online poker and I had a few bad beats so I was gonna close up shop and go to bed. It must have been around 10:30p; when I got up to leave my brother said, “Hey, can you leave that so I can play?”

“On my account?” I said, knowing full well he didn’t have his own account– at least not one with money in it.

“Yeah, if I lose any I’ll pay you back when I get paid on Saturday,” he responded.

I agreed and let him have the computer. We both noted that there was $135 in the account before he started. I then slept, if somewhat fitfully.

When I awoke this morning I was checking some news sites when my mom said, “You know your brother was up all night playing poker.”

“Wow,” I said, “he must have done rather well. Let’s check the account.”

Upon logging on to my Pokerroom account I was greeted with the following:

the end.

ps– If you’re in Racine this week, holla at me. If you need my cell, ask on whazzmaster.

San Jose and Sunnyvale are among the safest cities in the United States and Richmond and Oakland are among the most dangerous, according to a study released today by Kansas-based research group Morgan Quitno Press.

San Jose tops the list of safe cities with a population over 500,000. Sunnyvale is the 17th safest city in the United States and the fifth safest city with a population between 100,000 and 499,999, Morgan Quitno reported.

Richmond is the 11th most dangerous city in the country and the eighth most dangerous city with a population between 100,000 and 499,999, according to the study. Oakland ranks as the 21st most dangerous city in the United States.

Among California cities, Richmond is the most dangerous, with Oakland following close behind as the fourth most dangerous city in the state, according to the study.

Morgan Quitno’s annual study, which will be released this week, this year examines 369 cities with populations of at least 75,000.

The study measures city safety by comparing the incidence in each city of six categories of crime against the national average. Crime statistics for murder, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary and motor vehicle theft are based on FBI figures gathered annually.

1. Timmah, I think I owe you $10. I’ll Paypal it to you.
2. The sushi was pretty good, but there was an expected dearth in roll selection. The Racine Roll was pretty good, though.
3. My bro apologized this morning. He lost $80 when he had KK, flop was AAK, and someone was holding AK. I was wondering why he was in a NL cash game with all my fucking money.

DOOOOOOOOOOO DOO DOOOOOOOOOO DODOO DOOOOOO DO DO DO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. welcome back. tonights show: limit hold’em cash games… whats the deal? tonights show brought to you by certs mints… when your breath is on stank, have a mint…. a CERTS mint. limit hold’em cash games…. the are awesome! tune in for our next show where we look at the eternal questions “pocket aces… good hand, no?”. i’m darwin straightholder, and this has been THE ONLINE POKER SHOW! DOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD mornin CYBER SPACE! it’s your old pal DARWIN STRAIGHTHOLDER with another installment of the online POKER SHOW! later we’ll answer the eternal question, BUT FIRST let me introduce david bissel head of bissel corporation!

WELCOME BACK! PEPSI, NIKE! it’s me DARWIN back with T.O.P.S. THE ONLINE POKER SHOW! jumping right into business “pocket aces… good hand, no?”…. YES, GREAT HAND! hey, have you ever felt like you could really go for a quick snack?! ME TOO! i love putting snack size MILKY WAY bars in the freezer. they taste great AND they are great for your love of MILKY WAY brand candy bars…. MMMMMMMMMMM MILKY WAY! DOOOO DOOOOO DOD DOD ODDODODOOD DODODOD DODODODO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

fucking fucking fuck. $20 NL HE tourney. 207 players. 3rd hand, AQc. i raise to 100 preflop, he goes 180, i call. flop AQ2. i check he goes all in, i call. he has KJ. fucking ten on the fuck fuck fuck. we’ll be back when we scrape up $20 somewhere. bye for now from TOPS!

ok, so a newspaper puts together a decent story about a posible execution of an innocent man… the holy grail of anti-capital punishment loons. the posecuting attorney is now like, whoa… that shouldn’t be able to happen. basically it turns out the eye witness was shown pictures of the guy that got zapped 3 times before he was asked to identify him, so picking him out of a lineup was tainted. he also later said he knew it wasn’t him but was forced into identifying him. so anyways… getting rid of capital punishment doesn’t seem like the solution… we have identified a hole… someone lying under oath could provide enough evidence to send someone to the chair. so what should the punishment be if they admit they lied, or it can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they lied? man slaughter? murder 2? murder 1? simple perjury? i mean the anti-capital punishment people are pretty dumb because putting this story out only creates MORE people who should be killed for lying under oath and sending men to their death. oh, and darwin, awesome show… keep up the good work

katie k- the rehersal dinner will be on the 5th, a Thursday, we should know what time next week after we meet witht he nun… it will probaly be around 6 pm or so… we’ll let you know for sure….ps- how’s the baaaaabeeeeee?

Hey Bellwhazz,
10-4. I think that Hortonville is only about 1 & 1/2 or 2 hours away, so that sounds perfect. I can’t wait. And we don’t have to plan an anniversary date, so that makes it even better!
The baby is theoretically the size of a lemon right now. And I never thought I’d be so happy about getting fat. Woo hoo.

2. An innocent man was put to death for error in a capital case? You goddamn liberals, don’t you know that one less poor person in this world makes us all a lot better off? Torture schmorture. Toughen up.

3. I plan to hone my skills for a year or two as a PD in Milwaukee, then my plan is to move to Cali, take on capital cases and eventually rule the world all while wearing my superhero costume which will consist of my newly purchased Che Guevara t-shirt underneath my business suits. Bwahahahahaha.