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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Fandom Gives Back (aka Sometimes We're Nice People)

It's that time of year again. No, I don't mean JJ's annual bath day. We're not that lucky. It's time for a new movie release and the Alex's Lemonade Stand Fundraiser. Fandom Gives Back is just $15,000 shy of raising a quarter of a million dollars for childhood cancer research. To put that in perspective, $250,000 will fund 5,000 hours of research. That's huge. Huge, I say!

It will be a little different this year. There will be no auction, only a compilation of stories up for grabs. Anyone who donates at least $5 dollars (US) will receive all of the stories. More than seventy authors are contributing. I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means you get seventy stories for $5. Our very own Myg is writing an original vamp piece about Mercy Brown, entitled Black Caribou. I seriously can not wait to read this and there will be hell to pay if I don't get to pre-read soon. Twitards have donated over $3,000 for each of the other fundraisers and we would love to top that goal this year. Please donate what you can. I know times are tough right now.

Oh, but there's more. [clears throat] We have an exciting opportunity for people just like you.

I'm the disaffected-looking one on the left.

Because this is a cause Donnersun and I feel very passionate about, we are teaming up to do something very stupid cool. We will be writing a Twilight fanfic that will be separate from the compilation because we can't get our shit together by November 19th to meet the deadline it is that awesome. What is so amazeballs about it (aside from the fuckawesome authors)? The readers will get to participate. It will be a choose-your-own-adventure type of story. At the end of each chapter, the readers will get to vote on the content of the next chapter. That's craziness!

You should be this excited.

How the mothertruck do I buy a ticket for this crazy train, you must be asking. (Let's pretend you're asking.) If you send us a receipt for a donation of at least $10, you will get an e-mail with each chapter. (For a $10.04 donation, Donnersun will show you her left boob.) We will not be posting this story elsewhere. This is solely for the FGB fundraiser. Because we are both busier than two strippers on Free Lap Dance Night, we need some help. We need someone to create and help us manage a blog just so readers have a place to vote on the next chapter. We take ADD to a whole new level and there is no way we can keep up with this by ourselves. We might need help managing the distribution list, on the off chance more than three people want to read this. On occasion, this gullible sucker sweet volunteer might need to bring us lunch or paint my nails. Those occasions would be rare though. Probably.

To give you a little taste of the type of fuckery you are in for (and to give you a chance to safe word if you need to), here is the prologue for Meanwhile, at the Piggly Wiggly.

<<MatPW>>

The bang of the gavel was the only thing to stop her screaming. Bella Swan was not one to be deterred.

“Mr. Newton, you will keep your client in check!” bellowed Judge Aro.

Bella turned to her attorney (aka her neighbor’s youngest nephew), and barked, “Are you going to just sit there?” Her legal counsel shrugged his shoulders noncommittally. “I know my rights!” She continued. “I watch Judge Judy. I don’t think you can try me at the same time as this... this... pervert!” She pointed an accusatory finger at the man sitting to her left.

“Mr. Newton, will you please explain to your client the consequences for being in contempt of court?”

Mike Newton quickly dug through his briefcase and pulled out Clermont’s Federal Rules of Civil Procedure and flipped to the index. “Bella, I think you should sit down. This looks like it could be serious,” he whispered.

“I will be avenged,” Bella snarled as she took her seat.

“Now,” Judge Aro said in a slightly calmer manner. “As you should be aware, Ms. Swan, you have already been tried and convicted in a court of law. This is simply the sentencing hearing. So, let’s get on with it. Ms. Swan, you are sentenced to two hundred hours of community service to be completed in the next —”

“What?!” Bella howled. “Two hundred hours?! All I did was accidentally steal some freaking fruit!

That sexual deviant over there pulled out his wang and shriveled ball sack in public!”

Emmett Cullen was on his feet in an instant. “I object, your honor! My client’s ball sack is not normally shriveled. There were extenuating circumstances.”

“Really?” his client asked. “That’s what you object to?”

“Edward,” Emmett whispered. “She besmirched our family jewels. I can’t let that stand in the court record. That’s what brothers are for.” Emmett lightly pounded his client / brother on the shoulder.

“If everyone is done speaking without permission in my courtroom, I’d like to be allowed to proceed,” said the judge. “Mr. Cullen, you are also sentenced to two hundred hours of community service, to be completed in the next six months.”

Bella started to stand and speak again, but judge stopped her short with his renewed gavel banging.

“Mr. Cullen, I suggest you keep your genitalia covered in public and Ms. Swan, I suggest you refrain from further theft and disorderly conduct. I’m sure I don’t need to remind either of you that you have lifetime bans from the Piggly Wiggly. You are not to set foot on their premises in this town or any other.” Judge Aro banged the gavel once and then again for good measure. “Court is adjourned.”

Mike Newton turned to his client with a sparkle in his eye. “I think that went pretty well. Want to have dinner tonight?”

<<MatPW>>

So, yeah. There's that. But there's even more! We are apparently trying to win some kind of contest on the most wildly inappropriate ways to raise money for childhood cancer research, we are going to raffle off this...

We've been calling it the glASS drill, but it's officially called The Lemon Drop.

Our lovely reader, Cinzia, sent these our way. Long story short, these were a radio station give-away and the winner never showed up to claim them. Naturally, she thought of us when the station needed to unload these. We will give one of these fancy-looking dildos away to one lucky lady (or random male reader) who e-mails in a receipt for a $25 or more donation. What you do with it after that is your choice. I would totally incorporate this into my Christmas decorations because I'm not right in the head.

What the hell just happened here? Let's recap.

Donate what you can spare to Alex's Lemonade. The donation link is here. You'll receive all of the stories, including Myg's in early December. Please donate as much as you can. It's for the children and puppies. Ok, I'm lying about the puppies.

If you donate at least $10 and are brave enough to read Meanwhile, at the Piggly Wiggly, send your receipts to masen.dicksonff@gmail.com.

We need help!!!! We need a volunteer to set up a blog (it doesn't have to be pretty) just to give readers a place to comment on where they want the next chapter to go.

If you donate $25 or more and have an orifice that needs to be filled, you can send your receipt to latchkeywife207@gmail.com for a chance to win the glASS drill Lemon Drop.

So glad for this cause and the support of the fandom in it. Please for the love of GOD!! Do NOT send that scary, sparkly dildo to my house(unless said sparkly dildo is attatched to Edward) . Awesome job ladies..Can't wait to read y'alls stories.

Obsessed with Twilight? Think you're too old for this? You've come to the right place!

We are a bunch of over-thirty *cough*andforty*cough* chicks who never really meant to fall in love with Twilight... but somehow we did. Hard. Inexplicably, we've still got a lot to say about it. And other stuff. Join us!