The Dreaded Dream

Its about an new couple who are engaged and the boy (Jake) has a bad dream about his girl (Hanna)until his sister (Aria) ........... [read to find out more]
i dont know how to write this is my first time so i would appreciate if u read it and point out my mistakes and were i can improve :) thank you.

Submitted: January 15, 2014

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Submitted: January 15, 2014

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"No! No!" jake was hyperventilating. He was in denial. BAAM! his mobile fell from his hands and he was in a fix not knowing wat to do, tears were rolling down his eyes, his hands were clasped
around his mouth. He was standing in the same postion although he wanted to run towards her and hug her tight. There was a sudden rain and he was getting drenched so was Hannah.His eyes didnt
move anywhere else but he was staring at the body that layed there in the middle of the road. People were gathering around cars were all stopped and people where all screaming "Call the abulance!".
It was a chaos!

Jake walked towards the his fiance who was lying in the middle of the road and the two icecreams she had bought for them smashed on the ground, there was a pool of blood oozing out of her head. His
legs were shaking and couldnt bear it anymore so he fell onto his knees and was hugging Hanna and begging her to stay alive and not leave. He could hear the sirens coming closer, he had not cried
in a long time. this was the first time since his mother passed away is he crying so much. He was a person who always had a smile on his face and was very cheecky and was upto something naughty all
the time. As Hanna's body was lifted up to the strecher he got up and begged the doctor "Doctor please save her life please doctor please! she is all I have! " the doctors were tryign their best
giving her electric shocks but unfortunately she couldnt survive. As the doctor turned she had a sad frown on her face and gave Jake a sorry look. He saw the doctors face and went blank he could
hear nothing he just kept walking on the road to the pavement. He kept seeing flash backs about what had happend. He was on the phone with his friends breaking the news to them that he was engaged
and Hannah had gone to buy some icecreams for them, and while she was crossing with the icecreams in her hand she was having a huge grin on her face as they were going on their honeymoon, she was
so excited and could wait, but as she crossed a vehicle came very fast and knocked her and kept going instead of stopping. Hanna was laying on the road and Jake didnt know how to react. He looked
down to his hands and saw blood all over and all he had of her was her shawl she had worn that day.

"Wake up Jake its about time you got up! Hanna is waiting for you downstairs!" yelled Aria. "jeez did you have a bad dream or something your all sweaty..." just then Jake woke up with a jump. "Is
Hanna okay? where is she?" "shes down stairs waiting until you wake up and get dressed for your 'TRIP'! he looked at his hand to check if he still had the blood stains but there was nothing!
"sheeeessh that was such a bad dream! it felt so true! PHEW" with a sigh of relif he went to get dressed. As he rushed down stairs he saw Hannah standing waiting for him and she was wearing the
same dress that he saw he in the dream...

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Comments

Wow. Why does this not have any comments? This was freaking amazing. You have very good descriptive words and it made me feel like I was there-- like i'm not sure how to explain it lol. But this was amazing and i loved it. looking forward to new works that you do. stay awesome.

I was quite shocked when I read this, the fiancé was getting ice creams and she was so excited about their honey moon, then got killed suddenly, but I really liked the end where it was a dream, very interesting, good job with this!

I make notes as I go so here we go:
“he was getting drenched as was Hannah,” just some grammar issues I saw. “It was chaos,” and what exactly is going on? Car crash? Your paragraphs are a bit long but that’s not a big deal. The story is very like..this happened, then this happened…show more instead of telling. You use the word “and” too often. Doctors are not in ambulances you have to wait till she gets to the hospital. He could beg the EMT’s. “sad frown” seems like not enough, she is telling this man that his fiancé is dead make her more depressed about it. you need A LOT of commas. You don’t go on a honeymoon until after the wedding…you need better adjectives. A hit and run?? That sucks those bastards. Jake should’ve been more depressed about her dying instead of in shock but that’s just my opinion. Who is aria? And I could tell that this was a dream from the title so if you wanted a surprise from that you might want to change the title. Nice ending. You need to start a new paragraph when people are talking. It was hard to tell who was supposed to be talking. This needs a lot of work and im telling u this because I care…however this was a good concept thanks. Please read my work and comment as I have done for u

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Comment | 45 words

Sun, August 10th, 2014 8:11am

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I love it when people point out my mistakes so that i can work on them. :) ill surely work on all the things you have told me and also make sure i read your work too! Thank you again for reading! :)