The Bachelor Recap: Age Ain't Nothing But an Oh My God

Just a couple of minutes into tonight's episode of The Bachelor, Krystal declared herself "the voice of reason, the voice of reality" for Arie when it came to eliminating the other girls.

It was then that I knew we were witnessing the rise of a perfectly primed supervillain—smart and calculating with a voice like smoky, annoying butter and a confidence faked out of insecurity. She imagined other girls making faces at her and lamented how exhausting it was to just watch the other women fawn over a man like they were. She knew she had to talk to Arie and she didn't know what to say, but she knew whatever it was, it would be purrfect. And that's when I decided Krystal is actually an evil cat.

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Anyway, it was time for a trip to Lake Tahoe this week, because Lake Tahoe is the perfect place to fall in love. Or if you're Arie, it's a place that could help fall in love.

Seinne got the first one-on-one, and Arie warned her to be prepared for "lots of outdoor stuff going on, which is cool." So cool.

"I was just so interested about you," Arie told her, explaining that he learned more about her in their 30 second intro on night one than he did about most of the other girls.

Seinne was that girl who had astonished Arie with her travels and experiences, when he was just a boy from Scottsdale who used to work at a pizza place, and you'd think they wouldn't have a lot to talk about. Surprisingly enough, they had a lovely conversation after a lovely bout of parasailing, followed by what might be a lovely private country concert if you're into that sort of thing.

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She opened up about never seeing a girl who looked like her getting to have this kind of love story, and while Arie didn't have much of a response to that, he did have a rose for her, alleviating some of the new fears about one-on-ones after last week's Lauren S. debacle.

Up next was a group date featuring all the other girls aside from Young Bekah. They all headed into the woods in bafflingly matching boots and socks. They almost had to drink their own pee (it was just apple juice! Silly Arie!) and they did actually eat some worms, and then a few of them got lost on the way to the wilderness hot tub.

Once they were all safely bikini'd up, Krystal let her krazy out.

"I know I need to talk to Arie, but I don't want to be one of those girls," she cooed to the camera.

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She accused Tia of giving her a "look" when Arie put an arm around her, and expressed how baffled she was by the behavior of every other woman around her.

"I'm sorry, like I just honestly feel like a lot of the girls here just don't operate like at my level," she explained while Tia was claiming that date rose.

"I felt really challenged yesterday, because I feel like it's hard for me to really, like, shine who I am, while trying not to be intimidating to the girls who I spend the majority of the time with because I come across as flawless, and then have a target get put on my back. They just don't know who I am," she continued explaining.

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Elsewhere, in the woods, Arie and Young Bekah were going horseback riding.

"She seems super mature," Arie gushed of Young Bekah, 14 years his junior. "She has this wisdom. She's a lot deeper than the women I've dated in the past."

They cozied up in another wilderness hot tub while I had no interest in anything aside from the teased age conversation. Would Arie care that Young Bekah was 14 years younger than him?

The conversation was actually pretty good, with Arie pointing out that he likes to wake up with the sun and generally be boring, and when he was in his 20s it was a totally different story, so he just wanted to make sure that even though she's young, she's ready for serious marriage. Then he found out her actual age, and the vibe of the convo definitely took a big turn. He actually reacted with a hand over the mouth and an "Oh my god."

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"You're the most incredible person I've maybe ever met," Arie told Young Bekah. "I just don't…My biggest fear is that I just go through all this and I just like emotionally invest in you, and then at the end I'm like, heartbroken."

"Well, would it be worth it if that did happen?" Young Bekah asked strangely, because in what Bachelor universe would that answer be yes?

"No, because I need a wife," Arie basically whispered, holding Young Bekah's head in his hands and shaking it back and forth as if talking to a child in disbelief.

"I'm not here for a 22 year-old girlfriend. I'm here to find a wife," Arie said, amongst many other very logical things before the inevitable "'but…"

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"But…I really, really feel connected to you, and you are incredible and surprising and so much of what I'm looking for and I feel like this could be the beginning of something amazing, so [Young] Bekah, will you accept this rose?"

She accepted the rose. Damn, so close.

(Side note: Does Arie know Maquel is only 23?)

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The (gasp!) cocktail party (gasp!) was (gasp!) canceled for the night, so everyone was freaking out a bit, or a lot. Krystal was at the top of that list, and so just before Arie handed out the first rose, Krystal piped up and asked to talk to him for a sec, but she just wanted to ramble about breaking down walls and really feeling a connection to him and blah blah blah. Total waste of a dramatic moment, to be honest, and Arie just kinda nodded throughout, making me think he might be over her.

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She still got the final rose. Dang it, producers! This had better end with an incredible showdown in some kind of "Olivia on the windy beach" location or what has the point of all this been?

I've been asking that question for years and I've yet to find an answer, but at least this once, this journey needs to be worth it.

And finally, don't #glamshame me. I will use this compass as a hairbrush if I so please!