Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I went to my kids Halloween Parade at school. My sons seemingly quite gay Inclusion Specialist came dressed in drag. It was hillarious. Huge platform white boots. An all black and white outfit with fake fur coat and sequined top. Topped off by a long blonde wig. He was tremendous. I'l try to post pic. Only in the Bay Area does your kids Inclusion Specialist show up in drag.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Lately I feel perpetually quite irritated. The kids fight and push and kick. Pretty much every day A. has a behavioral blow out. Everyday. No, it is not okay to yell "SHUT UP YOU IDIOT" to your mother. Especially not on a regular basis. If he is not doing that he is amking loud screamy funky sounds that peirce my ears and make me nuts. His attention is so bad I have to tell himn to do things multiple times.I am amazed at how poor Mom's memory is. She can ask the same question 5 min later and, upon hearing the same anwer, have no recall that this is a repeat experience. I've given up conversing with her. There can be no assumed history in the conversation, no prior understanding or experience. She can't really consistently ask questions and follow up on something I bring up. There is like a cummulative effect. If we weren't together 24/7 it wouldn't bug me so much. But b/c we are, it makes me acidic. Pops is irritated with me b/c the house is a mess and out of control. Which is true. Part of me would rather escape and work all day to get away from kids and Mom and the messy house. There are many things I don't like about my life right now. And I feel like an ungrateful bitch for writing that. I have 3 bedroom house, housecleaners (who work around the piles of crap), my Mom who does laundry and dishes, a great job, great pets, some great friends. But some days and weeks all I want to do is either sleep, eat or drink coffee-one of my 3 addictions. I just get fatter and feel so ugly. Then I think I just need to get a fucking grip here. Many people, including many of my friends, have it harder then me. piss piss piss

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I am at PJ Dunes-at a condo at the beach. A lovely 3 bedroom, window filled place owned by a friend of mine.I drove down yesterday late afternoon with the kids and Grandma (my Mom, one and the same). We arrived, unloaded the car and headed down to the beach. A. raced around the beach doing wind sprints. His activity was reminiscent of a kenneled puppy released to play in a field. It goes without saying that even The similarity between he a puppy continued as he soaked himself in the low surf and rolled in the sand. Ki enjoyed playing in a huge hole surrounded by sand turets. Her castle. She assigned me and Grandma the roles of Knights and Alex as the bad Dragon. She said she would be in the castle "doing her paperwork". I asked who she was. "I'm the King." I should've known there would be no damsel in distress here.

Escondido, CA. is one of the neighboring cities to the town I grew up in in So CA. It use to be "out in the middle of no where". There are a fair amount of avacado ranches there.The sparkling citizens there just passed a law that landlords cannot rent to illegal immigrants. i.e., one must show proof of residency prior to being ALLOWED to rent. If someone rents to an illegal alien-they can be punished.This shocks me.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I should be feeling the calm. I am trying. I just did that last post and am still feeling wound up. The irony of it is where I am at the moment-10:15 on the same night.Pops is at a conference locally. He had a dinner meeting tonight (SAT) and a course at 8 am tomorrow. So he made reservations at the hotel associated with the conference. The best part is that work pays for it. I told him - well I'll head down Sat night and join you. I really had no idea where he was staying.So I left the insanity of my home and thrived on the solo drive here.And here I am enjoying my alone time... on the 18th floor of a Hilton Hotel. I need my special key to "get up to the towers"-this is the top floor. I had a bath and the bath products they have are one of my favorites, Le Source by Crabtree and Evelyn. So I am clean and I smell great. I am wearing the Hilton white robe and have secured a spot sandwiched between the down comforter and the feather bed. There is some complimentary suite with drinks-free soda for me thank you-and desserts. Okay, well the desserts were gone already. But it looks like there is going to be breakfast with Starbuck's coffee 10 feet from my room in the am. Not bad eh? I won't be rushing out in the am. My kids will watch endless TV from 7 am until I get home. But perhaps I'll be a bit saner then.

I spent a lot of the day in bed. Sleeping and hiding from reality. A. Is ranting and raving and flying off the handle. You have to experience it to truly appreciate it. I must have asked him a billion times to get dressed. The thing that is so frustrating is that he is capable of doing this. He gets so distracted and loses track of what he is doing. But there is also a good portion of that which is motivation and interest. Ki is often whining. I lost it today. I was so angry and so over the edge. I didn't go to Ki's soccer game-for which I am assistant coach and the other coach is pregnant. I had Mom take her. Not something I would typically do. Then there is Mom who is so very often repeating herself. Then A. blows up at her, he knows he has already answered the same question 3 times in 10 minutes-and here it is again!

I am the mediator. When Pops comes home cranky. He is cranky to me, then cranky to my Mom and I have to mediate that. I mediate Mom and the kids. She unknowingly sets them off. I break up many negative interactions (and fights) daily. At the end of the day there is no escape, no where to go.Mom kept saying to me today, "Judy, do you feel alright?"I want to yell, "Other than feeling fucking nuts, I feel fine".

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Now, there are not a lot of comments coming in. But I am becoming more aware of more people who do read, but in that they are not bloggers themselves-they don't comment. Nice to know I am entertaining a few lurkers out there.

A nice day today. Some lovely things that made me feel ... well I'm not sure what the word would be. "Loved" comes to mind-but I don't feel "unloved". Someone else can pick the adjective. Anyway...

I got a card in the mail from a Mom whose child I evaluated many months ago. This mother of three young kids took the time to write. That alone is meaningful!! She wrote, ..."I wanted to say thank you for your help and guidance with my son. ...Thank you for your knowledge and helping me get my boy on the right track. I will always be so grateful". Made me feel warm and fuzzy and was a reminder to express the gratitude I often feel-but don't take the time to express.

I was invited to a small celebration by a friend who is relatively new in my life. I have always admired her worldliness, intelligence, sense of community and incredible diversity of skills. When she announced at the gathering that the guests (including myself) are among the people she admires most in her world-I nearly fell out of my chair. It was such an honor to be described like that in HER eyes. Someone I think so highly of. Plus I had a great time and ate some great food!

One of the guests at above celebration, another wordly, wildly intelligent kick-ass gal asked me, "Are you writer?" "Your quick wit and manner made me think you were a writer." My friend above is a writer-so I think she thought that was our connection. Such a compliment!

I got an evite for a clients 3rd b-day. Only 3 or 4 other families and me and my kids. Such a compliment to how they view me in their child's life. Also, that they readily accept having Big A. around.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Tired me and crazy computer-I just published mid sentence. I go to where I left off...SHE DOES ALL THE DISHES AND LAUNDRY. And she picks up/takes kids to school a few times a week. Always on T TH afternoons when I am working. I don't know how I'd get by with out her.The hardest time of day is the early evenings and evenings we are all here together. Guaranteed if I try to get A. to do homework there is screaming, yelling, door slamming and related such fun on his part. All of which is directed at me. Later I am short fused and Mom is pacing and watching me in the kitchen repeatedly asking if there is something she can do, and sipping her sherry. Ki gets clingy and whinny and then Pops comes home-often grumpy after a 10 hour work day. I become the translator between the members of the group, and I am bugged by them all. I can't get the kids to bed soon enough and usually it is later than it should be. I relish the thought of hiding behind my computer doing email, work and blogging. Or watching TV or reading in my cozy bed snuggling with sleeping Al. When I am really ready to check out I go to sleep with 1 or the other (or both) of the kids.Ki said the other day. "Mommy, I haven't really made any friends at school, and I wanted to. I feel kinda sad."Two weeks ago A. said, "Mama, I think I have dyslexia (or his pronunciation).""Why do you say that?""Because it is hard for me to read words."Last week kids and granny and I were out for dinner. I took kids to the bathroom. When we came out Granny was at the front of the restaurant. Granny said when we were driving home. "Amiga (me), I don't know if I paid the bill. I really am losing it. Don't leave me alone. I can't be trusted."Now I feel sad too. So much to keep up with in life...

I am tired (12:40 am) but had hot chocolate, a bit of coffee and a nap today. So I've just climbed out of bed where I was unable to sleep despite successfully wrestling for a spot in the bed amongst hubby and the dog. I am disappointed I've not written more lately. Brief life update:Hubby took me away for the night on our 10th anniversary. We had dinner and spent the night in the 100 year old Olema Inn where we had our wedding reception. It was so lovely to visit there and the various sites where we had our rehearsal dinner (Manka's of Inverness), the ceremony (Old St Mary's Church, Nicassio) and reception (Olema Inn, Olema). We had not been back since the wedding. We strolled around Pt Reyes a bit and took our time coming home the next day.Granny is still living with us. I seem unable to move forward with stuff (calling lawyers, MD appts etc). Her condo is getting closer to being ready to put on the market ( windows replaced and now waiting for the painter to go in, followed by new carpet). She has a cold. Previously this rolled to pnumonia or bd bronchitis. mmmmm She makes me nuts and I don't know how we'd get by without her. She does ALL THE LAUNDRY AND DI

About Me

I am a Speech-Language Pathologist (Speech Therapist) with over 25 years of experience. I specialize in evaluating and treating feeding difficulties. Feeding evaluations, and many therapy sessions, are done in collaboration with the Occupational Therapist at Sage Therapy. Izzy, a golden retriever, is a specially trained therapy dog who rounds out our team.