Friday, January 2, 2015

Mason is in a suite at the game and can't keep an eye on me. But he does have to pick up the bottles and wipe up the puke.

Beer #0: No beer tonight. Whiskey and 7

Kessel vs Vanek.

Bernier with a couple big saves so far.

Is Kadri playing? We don't need that douchenozzle running any goalies tonight.

Ugh, can't let guys march in on your goalie like that.

Ice repair delay. Shouldn't there be some ice bimbos out there?

My happy fuck there are a lot of offsides early.

Not to jinx anything, but Kuemper doesn't look like shit yet.

Fuck. Clearly I jinxed it. There he goes and makes a couple decent saves.

I don't know who's fuglier: Gorg or Carlyle.

This fucking power play is fucking amazing at pointless passing. Jesus H. Fuck.

Kessel sure is a fat fucker. He looks like a perennial threat to win a hot dog eating contest.

Hey thanks XCel Energy, I've only seen this shitty ass commercial of yours four hundred thousand fucking times this season. When's the shitty Centurylink one going to be on with the creepy old broad smiling like she wants to eat babies coming on? (Yeah, I'm ending sentences with prepositions like a mother fucker tonight. Try and stop me.)

Wow. This is disturbing. Video and audio aren't synchronized. This would be worse if I was more drunk than I already am. (Did I mention I've had three refills already?) But it's OK because Jonas is sexy.

Oh, and now the Thin Ice dickwaffles are on. Does anyone enjoy watching these clownfuckers?

Period 2. Big question is whether they play defense like they're all trying to avoid an anal probing.

Gotta say I love Nino's "Fuck you" mean streak.

Toronto counter attacks well.

Jesus Shit. Bernier is playing like a lot of backup goalies do against the Wild. Which is to say, great.

Holy fuck. Dick move to shove a player from behind when another guy is bearing down the other way. But I shouldn't be surprised. Toronto usually play like a bunch of assholes here.

That holding call on Koivu was softer than Kessel's ballsack.

Good call on the no goal. Something tells me you can't grab the goalie and drag him out of the net. And Randy Carlyle can go fuck himself.

Wait. Who's wearing the Brodziak jersey tonight?

Nice to see Folin maybe got some of Nino's "Fuck you" tonight.

Looks like Coyle learned that hitting is allowed in the NHL.

Godmotherfuckingdammit sometimes you just need to shoot the damn puck.

By the way, Bernier's mask is creepy as shit. That or he's a furry, which is also creepy as shit.

My happy christ is Kuemper sexy tonight. (Why the fuck is this trying to autocorrect "sexy" to "sent"?)

This Nino - Haula - Coyle line is giving me a boner.

Wild lead after two. But you know what they say: The most dangerous lead in hockey is a Wild lead.

Period 3. Drink... 8?

Asshole move by Phaneuf, but is anyone surprised? No.

Well shit. 2 man advantage for the Leafs. And a goal. For 29 teams in the NHL, 5 on 3 is a good opportunity. Wanna guess which group of assholes it's not true of?

Speaking of assholes, don't like teams running Brodin.

Folin is looking sexy.

And Holy Shit! on that Spurgeon goal. Wow. What a rocket.

Swear to christ Brodziak has the weakest board play I've ever seen. If you're gonna drive a guy into the boards, do it like you've got a pair. (Unlike Kessel - too soon?)

PP for the Wild. Nice to see Suter get star treatment for once.

Koivu what? How the fuck does Koivu get a PPG? I thought that was illegal in 37 states?

4 on 4 but the fucking rubes at FSN can't be bothered to tell us why it's 4 on 4.

JVR bleeding.

By as my wife points out, there's still five minutes to lose.

Haha. Leafs lose their fucking minds when Scandella hit Kessel. Kessel whining like he only has one ball. Oh, wait.

Why do they say "Bozack" and I hear "Ballsack"?

Wild win, but it doesn't mean much if they lose tomorrow in Dallas.

And that concludes the SAMVOAMBLDBAEBM trilogy for this season. There might be another installment, but let's hope for everyone's sake that it's directed by JJ Abrams and not George Lucas.

POI

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Nick in New York (NiNY) is just a guy with a computer and a love of hockey. And a wife and two daughters whom he adores. And a decreasing ability to metabolize beer in a way that doesn't, er, add to the bottom line, as it were.

Feel free to toss him an email with any thoughts on the blog, or the sport.

Mason...you don't really want to mess with Mason. He's nasty with the writing skillz. And can drop some ridic culture pulls into his narrative. Lover of haiku.

Mason can be reached at: jaredmas@gmail.com

Did you know that no two zebras' stripes are the same? Well we have a zebra here at HTP, and his name is Doubles. Only he's a hockey zebra - and he's here going to share his great wealth of hockey knowledge from an on-ice official's standpoint with you. Feel free to read him in Chris Rock's voice.