Guard Your Eyes

My husband has been looking at inappropriate websites. What should I do?

To make a long story short, I recently discovered that my husband has been occasionally looking at inappropriate websites. I'm in shock and don't know what to do. Help!

Dear Reader,

Many experts in the field have identified your dilemma as one of epidemic proportions.

The battle for the soul has never been more fierce. One of the great Sages of the 20th century commented some 30 years ago that merely walking down the street in America was fraught with more risk to one’s spirituality than a lifetime in Europe of old. The media and the advertising industry appeal to the basest in human nature, and have inundated the public thoroughfare with sexually provocative images.

The concepts of modesty in attire and decency in comportment are under constant attack and increasingly marginalized. To make matters worse, the internet has made pornographic sites easily accessible to the point where the male psyche is being exploited as never before.

It must be underscored that when it comes to sexuality, men – unlike women – are biologically driven creatures. This uncomfortable fact of life represents a unique challenge for women, who may find it hard to wrap their minds around the realities of the male disposition in this regard. The peculiar vulnerability of men to visual stimulation is a sorry reality that requires careful judgment, caution and discipline on everyone’s part.

The vulnerability of men to visual stimulation requires discipline on everyone’s part.

Provocative images have the force to sear themselves into male minds so that it becomes virtually impossible for them to clear their thoughts of what they are visually exposed to of an erotic nature. Their focus and concentration is compromised, and the loftier, spiritual part of themselves is all but eclipsed. It can easily destabilize an even heretofore decent individual into a negative and self-destructive spiral. The result can be a slippery slope ending with addictive behavior.

The Reality of Human Nature

It is for this reason that the Torah, in its great wisdom, circumscribes intergender relationships. The boundaries are clearly delineated by Jewish law, categories of rules which include the prohibition a man and woman being secluded together in closed quarters (with the exception of certain immediate relatives), the “hands-off” policy vis-?-vis unrelated members of the opposite gender (again, exclusions would apply to certain immediate relatives) and guarding one's eyes from viewing that which will have a compromising and contaminating effect on our wellbeing.

No one is immune to the power of human emotions.

A typical reaction of the uninitiated to these restrictions is the often heard comment, “Don’t God and the Torah trust you?” The response is that the Torah deals with the reality of human nature and the truth of how we are strung together. The underlying concern is the reluctance to put at risk our moral integrity, or gamble, however improbably, with our spiritual rectitude. It is in the proscription of these behaviors that the Torah informs us of our vulnerabilities.

The message conveyed is that no one is immune to the vicissitudes of human emotion. If we don’t take the necessary precautions, the circumstances of one’s life at any given time can be such that our defenses will be down and we could, God forbid, succumb to the suasion of temptation.

Consider Vicki and her husband who moved in social circles where a peck on the cheek among couples was thought of as completely innocuous. This seemingly harmless convention led to other “harmless” familiarities. Ultimately these social interactions proved devastating to them and other members of their social group. The contemporary reader needs no elaboration on the direction this took and the tragic implications for their marriages.

Freedom versus License

Dealing with erotic temptation is extremely challenging. Wars have been waged and empires toppled over issues of passion and lust. In the not so distant past, we witnessed the Clinton presidency compromised, and countless public officials whose careers were destroyed by their shameful conduct.

The internet and the many technologies available in our time have much to offer that is useful and beneficial. However, as with any other tool it can be used constructively or destructively. Safeguards are imperative. Alas, categorizing the legality of the easy access to lewd and depraved pornographic sites as an expression of “freedom” is symptomatic of the illogical and unrealistic approach to morality in our culture.

In contrast to Western civilization’s definition of freedom which denotes license, where anything goes, the Jewish concept of freedom is captured by the following metaphor of an Indian philosopher. He said, “I have violin strings on the table before me. They are free to move in any direction but they are not free to sing. It is only when I bind them to my violin that they are for the first time truly free, not to move in any direction, but free to sing.” A posture of license, of no-holds barred, of unbridled capitulation to desire, obstructs the music of our soul, the better part of ourselves, from emerging.

Adopting a disciplined and perhaps restrictive approach to internet viewing, or to any pleasure, may not feel like freedom, but when one has been forced to pay the huge price exacted by a life of unrestricted latitude, the merits of restraint and self control gain new respect. The Torah invokes the hallmark of human dignity, choice and the exercise of will power, demanding discrimination between what is and what is not appropriate.

Practical Suggestions

Dear reader, viewing and getting involved with inappropriate sites can occur for a variety of reasons. It could happen quite innocently, a random popup or responding to the suggestion of a friend, colleague, classmate, etc. The challenge is to get unhooked immediately before too much damage is done.

The other, more likely scenario is that it's an act of compulsion. For some it serves as a palliative, a means of drowning oneself in a mind-numbing activity that blocks out the pain of the life they are living. For others, these sites serve as means of self-reliant therapy. These men typically come from a background where they had no one to turn to in times of personal need and hence learned to engage in self-soothing remedial activities.

Therefore, when adult life presents difficulties and feelings of aloneness, echoes of the past resurface and they reflexively resort to pornography for amelioration rather than reaching out to others in their life.

I would suggest the following:

Confront your husband and have a heart-to-heart discussion. Let him know that you are distressed and that you assume that he is equally distressed over the situation.

At the same time, assure him of your faith in his basic integrity and that you are willing to help him in any way you can. Point out that nothing stands in the way of a determined mind and a committed effort

Relocate the computer to a well trafficked area where people are coming and going and the screen will be in full view at all times.

Sign up to programs like Webchaver that send your weblogs to an appointed party. This can be an effective system of checks and balances.

Seek out a good therapist to help you sort out your own thinking. Similarly, seek out for your husband some “12-step” support groups and/or a sponsor, (ideally someone your husband feels close to and respects), who can be available when he senses his resolve is beginning to flag.

Helpful tips that have worked for others are

For your husband to view this craving not as a part of himself, but as one outside himself and should refer to it as an enemy out to get him

In moments of sobriety he should sit down and write a list of losses and consequences on the one hand and benefits on the other. He should make a promise that he will review the list before taking action

Work together on your relationship in general and on your intimacy specifically. Fill your home with light and with positive energy. Towards this end, increase your efforts to learn Jewish texts that teach us to live up to our God given potential

Finally, pray for Divine assistance, for strength, resilience and wisdom.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 48

(45)
Anonymous,
March 31, 2013 2:19 PM

Cop out

I have a wonderful wife who is totally dedicated to me and our family our times of intimacy are wonderful and I have an intense physical attraction to my wife and am totally satisfied with our intimate physical relationship despite this fact I am constantly frequenting pornographic sites which is bringing me to masturbation this had become a severe addiction which causes me tremendous feelings of shame and creates a tremendous obstacle in gaining any spiritual improvement in fact I find that the problem becomes even more overwhelming after I will have had a level of spiritual success davka at that point I will fall and find my self back in the abyss what upsets me most is that I love my wife dearly and she absolutely loathes promiscuity and here her soulmate is drowning in a sea of impurity and just for the sake of instant self gratification I have absolutely no excuse except a totally unbridled yetzer horah

(44)
Anonymous,
March 20, 2013 8:07 AM

When the prime relationship is with the internet

I was a wife to an addict and caught him many times but he was unable to admit his relationship with prostitutes and porn and as a result, he lied incessantly. I am neither fat, nor ugly and I thoroughly enjoyed our intimacy together, which was frequent. But sometimes I felt he was not quite there. I ended up leaving him when I reached the conclusion that his main relationship was pornography and prostitutes and that I was being used as a front to make him look respectable and frum. It was a very painful break-up and I loved him very much but the addiction was so deeply engrained that he wouldn't talk to me, nor to his friends, the rabbi, the shrink. It's sad isn't it?

(43)
Anonymous,
March 16, 2013 2:51 PM

Some comments from a sexaholic in recovery

Hi,I am a sexaholic in recovery. As well as being a chasidic very frum yid. I must say, from my personal experience as one whose "been there" and "done that", it didn't matter what my wife was giving me. If she was giving me a lot, my addiction would be fired up and I would go looking for more. If she didn't give me enough, I would use it as an excuse to go out and get some (whether from the internet or, etc). My practical advice to the woman is to go to a S-anon 12-step group (or Al-Anon if there is no S-anon in your area) which is a group of partners of sexaholics and they learn to live with it. You have to learn that this is not your problem. Nothing you can do will fix it. It is on your husband to do something about it. And if he doesn't, you can either leave him or learn how to live with him. When I first came into the program, my wife and I absteined from relations willingly for about 100 days. It was amazing. I learnt that with my wife, without my wife, I must do everything to be 'clean' which, for me, means no sexual acts with myself or with partners other than my wife. And it isnt dependent on my wife's willingness to be with me or anything other than my commitment to the program. And I saw that - I actually had a month-long 'fall' after 101 consecutive days of sobriety. The ONLY reason I fell was because I wasn't working my program. when I got back up and started working my program, I became clean again, for much longer. Looking back, I now say that this second time round was DESPITE being with my wife. Through the program, I learn that my wife is not there just to satisfy my sexual desires. We are together because we love each other. this is something I could not learn if my wife just was there for me, trying to save me from going on the internet again.

Good luckThere is a lot of hope in the future!!!

Anonymous,
May 15, 2014 5:12 PM

relapse

is it possible for an addict to becme sober and never relapse? From all the info i am hearing it seems that not.I know that i wont be able to handle it a second time around.

(42)
EMES ROCKER,
August 19, 2011 2:37 PM

Wife need to be better wives

In this day and age where it is almost impossible to steer clear of provocative images, women more than ever have to insure that their husband intimate needs are fulfilled. Wives should recognize that this is one of most important things in their marriage. When a man chooses to be monogamous and all the moreso, Torah observant he is cutting off much of his natural instincts for sexual outlets. It is not natural for a man to be monogamous. He has to constantly work very hard at this and this is something that many women do not understand as in general their physical natures are vastly different. Women who expect this commitment from their husbands must be sensitive to this and rise to the occasion. Any article including Rebbetzin Twerskies which does not address this basic reality is shooting blanks and will not be of real help.

Anonymous,
November 6, 2011 1:42 AM

Too true.

It's all very well blaming the man's weaknesses and compulsions, but if he is fulfilled in this area by his wife making an effort, this is a much less likely problem.

(41)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2010 5:20 AM

Wouldn't more intimacy also be a solution?

What if the couple simply does not have enough intimacy, but the husband is too scared to confront his wife about it. This is not not uncommon in many relationships. It may have been the husband's desire to keep his feelings hidden about this from his wife that led him to do what he did.
Also, it is quite easy to hide history and delete evidence of such transgressions, so could it be possible that the husband wanted to found out, (consciously or subconsciously)?

Anonymous,
November 6, 2011 1:44 AM

I am a an example of that.

I pray, I try to guard my eyes and I do my best to never have verbal or physical contact of any kind with any woman other than my wife. What do I get in return? An overweight, uanttractive lady who rarely feels like any intimacy and who is frankly dull and boring. It's weakening my resolve and I am sure this happens a lot. Women take note!!!

(40)
shnook,
November 9, 2010 10:16 AM

there's a website!

for those looking for help whether for a spouse or themselves there is an excellent frum website online guardyoureyes.org

(39)
Yaakov,
October 18, 2010 12:30 PM

A powerful resource for this issue... www.guardyoureyes.org

As Rebbetzin Feige mentions, this problem is rampant. It is very easy to fall in, and very difficult to get out... especially without help. Often, a wife is NOT the best source of help.
There is a wonderful website where men help each other get out of this mess, called www.guardyoureyes.org. One of the strongest resources is an anonymous forum, where men post about their struggles and receive encouragement and advise from others who also wish to break free, and from veterans who have broken free. The site also offers anonymous daily telephone meetings, where men can dial in an participate in 12 step work.
What is interesting and encouraging is that the men on the site come out of the entire episode as much more spiritual people than they ever were before, as their past falls help them uncover and correct weaknesses in their psyche that made them susceptible to this scourge.
The bottom line... there IS hope and help!... for those who wish to help themselves.
The site also has a separate forum for the wives, where they anonymously interact with each other and learn to understand their husbands problem, and how to best deal with it. This is important, because women often misunderstand what is going on, and blame themselves for it, which ends up actually being counterproductive for the husband's recovery!

(38)
david,
July 6, 2010 9:46 PM

Reply- (34) SG, June 28, 2010

You are correct in every way! there are no words to explain the pain. I dont know how you are dealing with your situation, However, you may want to check out www.guardyoureyes.org they have a section/forum/support for wife's of addicts.
I hope this will be a help for you.(and your hubby).

(37)
Shades of Gray,
June 28, 2010 5:13 PM

Inner Craving?(Comment #35)

1. Joe-This part of the article originally bothered me as well, but upon further thought, I think one can distinquish between a normal sexual desire versus what's being discussed here, ie, pornography, which can rightfully be viewed as a distorted desire, and therefore an "enemy" an "outside the person"(see for example Dr. Benzion's Sorotzkin's article "Psychological Factors in Sexual Acting Out" which makes a similar distiction as well). 2. As far as the "normal desire" , even if one says that doesn't represent the true spiritual essence of a person and is "outside the person" , one still must relate to that part of "self" ("nefesh habahmis"?), however defined, just as one must relate to anger, or eating food, as a manifestation of self, even as one deals with it in spiritual terms. There is also obviously a difference in life stages, childhood, adloescence, dating, stages of marriage, etc, as well as differences in people, but any non-holistic approach of mussar, which only focuses on spiritual, and misses emotional and psychological, I don't think will be effective. 3. In this vein, one of the "Off the Derech" sites offers "resorces" in terms of discussion of sexuality. It may be that such people are simply "ba'alie ta'avah" with an oversized yetzer harah, but it is also possible, that the problem is partially that the topic of sexuality was never dealt in their education, from a dimension and perspective of emotional and psychological depth(which need not contradict a spiritual and Torah-faithful approach).

(36)
Joe,
June 28, 2010 2:43 PM

I wrote in two parts.

The second one seems to have only showed up, and the last comments out of context make a slightly different case than meant.
I am not defending pornography. Let me make that clear. However, I think that we should get real about human nature. Men and women fantasize about sexuality pretty much from the time they pass puberty to time they are elderly. Any language that pretends this is not so, or somehow not human nature, or that men are somehow uncontrollably more sexual than women is nonsense. I also think that the advice given will cause a major confrontation and blow up.
The wife is clearly hurt and she feels insecure and threatened by this. She should indeed *talk* to her husband and calmly explain why she is hurt. If she does this without recrimination, he will see her pain and likely act appropriately. However, angry recrimination and confrontation mixed with sanctimonious rage will cause him to become defensive. He will already be embarrassed by the topic and that can quickly turn to anger if the disrespectful and sanctimonious tones of this article are screeched at him.
In short order, he will realize that women have stray thoughts and idle fantasies too and note that she is not so "pure" as to judge him over harshly. By the way that is true. Men may be more visual - fine - but what are romance novels for? He will notice that the idea of putting his computer in a public place for her policing treats him like he is 12. He will notice the condescending extension of control and disrespect his wife is pointing at him. He will wonder why she was snooping around his computer in the first place.
If she really pushes and he really loses it, a man in that situation will be quite likely to say a lot of things she would rather not hear - like what he found attractive in those "inappropriate materials."

(35)
Joe,
June 28, 2010 12:55 PM

Perhaps the worst part of this article

"For your husband to view this craving not as a part of himself, but as one outside himself and should refer to it as an enemy out to get him...." Being neurotic about a normal libido will lead to a healthy marriage? Sorry, the sex drive is internal. Hashem gave it to us for a reason. Period. Believing it is somehow the enemy is a Christian idea, not a Jewish one. Jews ideally control and focus their libidos onto their spouses. It is not the enemy, and it is certainly not anything external, or inherently wrong, bad or threatening.
"In moments of sobriety...." What because this is somehow as bad as being a drunk who loses his job and beats her? Are you insane? How about a sense of proportion?
" ...he should sit down and write a list of losses and consequences on the one hand and benefits on the other. He should make a promise that he will review the list before taking action." Again, if my wife insisted I would do such a thing, especially since she does read bodice rippers and is a sexual being herself, I would not write a list, but rather, consider writing a get.

(34)
SG,
June 28, 2010 1:31 AM

As a young wife, I found my husband looking at porn about two years into our marriage. While you gave important information and advice, you did not address the tremendous hurt, pain, betrayal, disappointment,and anger the wife feels. Its hard to be supportive when you feel your heart has been ripped into a million shreds. I think husbands need to understand and allow for wives to be tremendously angry and hurt.

(33)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2010 7:33 PM

I find it interesting that although women have a natural desire to look attractive, there are many women who don't feel comfortable expressing their beauty to their husbands. While at the same time, they dress up and look pretty to impress other women. This is a big mistake because it is their husbands (and family) that deeply need their attention, not other women.

(32)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2010 7:32 PM

Dudes, get real, response #25 is right on. Men are men. We visualize because it is who we are. It is what G-d made us.
Advice to Reader - talk to your husband, ask him questions, ask him why and see if you can live with it. You have a choice. If the behavior becomes destructive - for example . . . if he does it too much and this hurts his performance in a job or as a father or as huband,the he needs to adjust.

(31)
Jon Thomasberg,
June 27, 2010 8:00 AM

self-restraint

Men are more visually oriented whereas women are more emotionally oriented. While 'cheating' on your wife is completely unacceptable, I liken the expectations cited herein for men to ignore their natural tendencies evoked by testosterone and merely looking at the beauty that God has made in woman (who expose themselves knowing fully what the masculine response will be), to whom men are naturally attracted to, to asking women to cease shopping, even cursorily, for clothes, shoes , handbags or jewlery. Furthermore, the above suggested remedial actions seem contrived; 12-step programs and sending mens computer audit logs for review -- please!! Applying the same logic, perhaps us men should thusly mandate that Visa, AmEx and the like, proxy any purchase requests meeting criteria questionable in nature (e.g. department stores, jewelry stores, Louis Vuitton, Chanel) by women such that it requires the husbands express approval via text message to their cellphone "Press 1 to ACCEPT, or 2 to REJECT charges" before approving the transaction at the store. This will remove the temptation from the insatiable woman to go on shopping sprees and hide the bags and receipts for such purchases from their husbands, and the inevitable lies that follow to cover-up for her indiscretions: "Honey, why is there another X in your closet?" "I've had that for 2 years. You just now noticed it?" When she bought it 2 DAYS ago, not 2 YEARS ago. When that happens, THEN we can discuss men needing a 12-step program to curb their natural instincts. Both behaviors are destructive to the bond of trust between man and wife, and consequently their marriage.

(30)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2010 8:23 PM

Recommending GuardYourEyes website

I will be the seventh person here to mention the Guard Your Eyes website- as a wife of a man who has struggled and found incredible support and practical help, I recommend every person who struggles with these issues to check out the website.
Go, Guard! ;)

(29)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2010 10:22 PM

We were married 2 years when I found that my husband viewed porn. We talked honestly at great length about it. We now have systems in place to be able to use the internet constructively. He has not slipped since we set up the recording software. Now, after 8 years of marriage, I couldn't be happier. I learned a lot about men from this.
1. Normal men are addicted to sex the way any living organism is addicted to food. A man not being tempted by the internet, billboards, and magazines is not normal. If you think that it’s normal, you have your head in the ground.
2. This sexual drive is the glue of marriage. When a man channels his sexual desire to his wife, who he cherishes and is committed to, it helps to build a positive and fulfilling relationship. If it is channeled in any other way, it is unhealthy and destructive for him.
3. For a marriage to not be hurt by the constant barrage of indecency, there are 2 parties responsible. A man needs to have very strong principles and willpower not to succumb to temptation. Living and learning the Torah, and leading a busy, productive life helps a great deal. Wives: not stepping up to the plate to satisfy your husbands in every way you can is stupid and dangerous. Men who care about their spiritual lives do not need to be married to the supermodel of the year. What men need is a wife to be interested in exciting him sexually.
If a man is a sex addict, even being married to a supermodel will not satisfy him for very long. And if a man has been giving in to unhealthy temptations long enough, by all means make use of therapy.
Women, stop being so delusional. A man is not bad for wanting to look at porn. A man does not need to hear that his eidel wife is more valuable than Miss Victoria's Secret. He knows; he married you and not her. Men are built to need a sex life no matter how you slice it. When both spouses are committed, with Hashem’s help they can enjoy a wonderfully fulfilling marriage.

(28)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2010 9:17 PM

website

ditto on the guardyoureyes website. A must see.

(27)
Sam C.,
June 24, 2010 2:08 PM

A frum woman can compete

#24-- in response to your question-- I believe a frum woman can compete. a man who looks at pronography is most likely missing something in his marriage. A frum woman can be aidel and tzinius while also being tempting and seductive to her husband within the confines of the home. Throughout Jewish history there were torah examples of good women seducing their husbands. From the wives in Mitzrayim to many examples in tanach. It is not contrary to jewish thought or values for a jewish woman to try and seduce her husband and be attractive to him.
The Torah understands mans needs and thus created a system that encourages a wifes attempt to be appealing to her husband. a Jewish woman covers her hair to the public but uncovers it for her husband. A Jewish woman is suppose to greet her husband in a gracious manner and fress attractively for him.
I unfortunately know some of those men that have left beautiful wives but when I spoke with the men there is a common theme. They consistently complain that their wives didnt try to appeal to them or were extremely difficult and confrontational.
i believe if a women tries to appeal to her husband and treat him like a Melech the desire for pornography will be greatly diminished.

(26)
David,
June 24, 2010 10:08 AM

It's time to look inside ourselves

Here are some things I learned on the amazing website called www.guardyoureyes.org... our sages say that "the less you feed it, the less you need it". Women who don't give enough to their husbands are not the problem. (If anything, that could help)... But it doesn't help because the real problem is that the husband is not guarding his eyes on the street, TV, internet, etc... so he needs to let off steam. But the wife senses that, and she is resentful. Then he gets resentful at her for not giving enough, and the viscous cycle continues. The only real solution is for the husbands to learn how to be less self-centered, more loving and caring. The wives will then sense this and be more forthcoming. Every married man should read the book "Garden of Peace" by Rav Shalom Arush. It contains the true secret to a happy marriage.
Guys, we are by nature selfish creatures. It's time to start getting honest with ourselves and look inside.

(25)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2010 8:16 AM

Strength of the "yetzer" (attraction between man-woman) not connected to marrige

1. I think that comments #20 & #24 are way off track. There is no definite connection between a wife's appealing to her husband and a man's attraction to other woman. All men are attracted to woman, period. This is why there is a halacha of yichud/seclusion in Judaism: A man and woman should not be alone for more than a few minutes. This is a "blanket" guidance to every one even happily married men with 10 children, 50 grandchildren and over the age of 60, everyone.
This is exactly the crucial point for wives to understand that there is not necessarily a connection between what her husband is doing and the state of his attraction to her.
A wife can be satisfying all her husbands needs and he'll still be attracted to porn. If a man turns his head to look at an un-modest billboard it is not because he is missing something in life and if he was happily married he wouldn't look, it is simply his nature & he has to fight against it.
There is a story of a chasidic rabbi of 80 who didn't receive women for blessings and consultation. Once there was a woman of 60 waiting outside his door for a pressing matter, Hi's chassidim asked him what's wrong your'e 80 she's 60 He answered: "The minute she walks into the room the Yetzer (desire) will make me 20 and her 18" .
2. To #23 :Most men Know to differentiate between "real life" and what they see in these kind of movies. Even if someone cannot control himself with a computer, it does not mean he will not be able avoid other failings.

(24)
western jew,
June 24, 2010 12:57 AM

how can a Torah woman compare to the women in pornography?

#20 Sam C, this is a serious question. You say a wife should dress attractively and make herself desireable to her husband. You are right, BUT.....let's be honest - a man looking at pornography is looking for much MORE than an aidel, tznius, modest woman. If a man is excited by the behaviour and dress of a porno woman, is the tznius, aidel, Torah woman (his wife) going to be enough for him?? Doesn't seem like it to me. Seems like the Torah woman can't win! It's like comparing apples to oranges. The Torah woman is never going to dress or act like the pritzus type of woman.
It bothers me that everyone is saying if the wife does this or the wife does that, he won't stray. Just looking at the breakup of many high profile marriages shows this is not so. There are many men who are married to gorgeous women and have satisfying intimate lives who STILL stray.

(23)
Anonymous,
June 23, 2010 8:22 PM

When did he start being inappropriate?

If it bothers the wife to the extent that she is in shock, she has some big thinking to do. When the shock wears off, and it will, and he says he will never do it again, and he will do it again, she must decide if she can live with his inappropiate behavior. If he can't control himself by use of a computer key he can't control his real life actions either. He is the same man he has always been. He hasn't changed! The only difference is that the wife now knows who her husband really is. She has changed because of her perception of him.

(22)
Shades of Gray,
June 23, 2010 7:10 PM

Sorry Reality and Parental Education

(1) I'd like to thank Rebbetzin Twerski for this sensitively written article. (2) One sentence that I am thinking about was "the peculiar vulnerability of men to visual stimulation is a sorry reality..."; why not put it in positive terms, since G-d wanted the "vulnerability" like that? The "sorry reality" is not inherent, rather the fact that it is exploited by either men themselves, various sources of media, and/ or by women dressed improperly! Be that as it may, the part about "careful judgment, caution and discipline on everyone’s part" is certainly true. (3) Perhaps partially related, and something to add to a holistic approach to tzniyus/sexual education on the parent's end is the role of emotions. Dr. David Ribner writes in one of his articles when discussing the topic with children , " but what about attitudes and feelings, doubts and anxieties?". My guess is that a lack of parental and/or professional dealing with the normal emotional aspect, can sometimes be part of the cause of "Off the Derech" and/or the phenomenon of "modesty being under constant attack" mentioned here. In other words, it is not inherently(or at least not totally) the concepts themselves that cause difficulty, but rather a lack of dealing with the emotional depth Dr. Ribner mentions above. Just a thought--thanks again for the article.

(21)
Anonymous,
June 23, 2010 6:19 AM

No confrontation

The authors description of the male psyche is on the mark but I think that the #1 advice "Confront your husband and have a heart-to-heart discussion" is dangerous & could ruin your marriage. Your husband is probably ashamed at what he is doing, let him deal with it by himself. Even if this continues the only thing you can do is pray.
Also the only real solution is not to have a computer in the house. If you have growing up children you could try suggesting taking out the computer with the reason "that this is for them".
In most cases this has nothing to do with the way your husband views your marriage it is more a sin between man and god than between man and wife.
Here are 2 maybe unconventional ways that can maybe help to think about the situation objectively:
1. Secular woman (Jews & non Jews) take it as a fact that their husbands/boyfriends surf on such sites, this does not prevent them from building (at least) working relationships.
They grow up with this fact that this is a weaknes of men.
2. Think about polygamy wich is basicly alowed by the Torah. There is a world of difference between the two things , but still I think it gives a basic insihgt into man's nature.

(20)
sam c.,
June 23, 2010 3:27 AM

work on becoming appealing to your husband

I have read this article and unfortunately have heard many married men discuss this desire of pornography. Obviously viewing pronography is wrong but the fact that the husband feels this need or desire shows that there is something lacking in his relationship with his wife. Men are visual creatures and are stimulated visually. They need their wives to dress attractively and make themselves desirable to their husbands. If a husaband feels a need to look at pornography it usually implies that his wife is not satisfying that need for him.
I am sure this comment will not bode well with many female readers but I think it is inportant that women realize that men are very different from them and these needs are real and are not going away.
Most men that I speak to that resort to viewing pornography usually complain about their wives being disrespectful to them or not trying hard to satisfy their visual needs.
Again--my intention is not to offend anyone but to make people aware of some of the basic needs for a husband.

(19)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 10:24 PM

Intimacy in marriage plays a large part

Thank you for this excellent article.
In response to comment #14, of course there are some wives that try to satisfy their husband with intimacy in a normal way and despite this the husband is looking elsewhere.
However, many wives are not interested in intimacy at all. As comment #12 says, they have been taught that sex is purely to have children and is not neccesary otherwise.
In my personal case, my wife is uninterested and we are intimate perhaps 4 or 5 times per year! At one stage we went through two years with no intimacy. It is killing me and I am constantly struggling to control my natural desires. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. It is an ongoing fight against temtation and frustration. I know deep down that looking at inappropriate things will only make matters worse but it is not always easy to follow that in practice.
There is a quote on the 'guard your eyes' website from a Rebbetzin in New York . She says to her female audience something to the effect of "if you do not satisfy your husband there are plenty of alternatives available to him in todays world and he will seek them out"
I think that this problem is bigger than people imagine and it certainly needs more publicity in light of current technology and (im)modesty standards in the world.

(18)
NathanS in Miami,
June 22, 2010 2:57 PM

Insightful commentary which in itself is commendable but, even more, exceptionally well written. To take a difficult subject and express it so succinctly and clearly is a special talent. We are truly fortunate for at least two reasons: 1) To have the Rebbitzen amongst us and 2) For the internet which makes her skills available to an oceanic wider audience than if her message were restricted to traditional print. And, of course, one more reason - equally relevant - Aish, for providing her a platform.

(17)
western jew,
June 22, 2010 12:31 PM

some thoughts

Some thoughts:
I agree with #8's first point. Women are also biologically driven. I do know many women who have fallen prey to internet pornography and yes, become addicted. It is not just a man's problem. Many women are very visual people. It's not just men.
Just a thought: if it really is that bad that one of the Sages said just walking down the street in America can be spiritually worrisome (and I agree w. that statement), then WHY don't we have more resources in our shuls, in our communities? If the problem is so rampant, then WHY aren't there many shiurim about it or things to reinforce to men that modest women are more special and precious than the half naked ones on the street and the internet? In other words, something to help in this onslaught.
If I'm with my husband and fully covered bec. of my Torah values of tznius, it makes me feel like I can't win if we're surrounded by scantily dressed women. Maybe the husbands want/need some chizuk that the Torah ways are better in this. That the "daughters of the King" are more attractive and worthy than the pornography women.

(16)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 8:50 AM

To anonymous # 3

so anyone who is an addict does not deserve a chane? There are food addicts, and yes it IS an addiction in many cases, drug addicts, alcohol, the list goes on. Should everyone married to an addict jsut divorce their spouse? Hello????? Glad you are not an addict of any type, maybe your spouse shoud just divorce you if anything comes up! How can you say he is not Torah observant, is it posiible that he has a yetzer hara, as we all do, and he messed up, and wants to stop? Did he have an affair that she should jsut throw away a marriage beccause of this ? What he has been doing is wrong, very wrong, but be real- divorce him? Thats not a normal answer. I feel sorry for you if you can really be thinking that way. First you try to gethelp, tha answer to everything is not oh, lets just get a divorce.

(15)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 5:04 AM

I'm STUNNED you did not post my comment!

You people are embarrassing. I wouldn't be surprised if you type in some of those articles that state...WOW....BEST article EVER! I was planning on giving some money to AISH...but have decided not to.

(14)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 4:11 AM

Comnments from someone married to a recovering S-Addict

Thank you for a sensitive, beautiful article that tells it like it is (without sugarcoating).Thank you for labeling the problem as an ADDICTION.
Respectfully, the only thing I would change is making your 5th suggestion (getting a trained therapist who specializes in addiction) into the 1st. Speaking from my own experience, I was so devastated by my discovery, that I wasn't capable of any of your suggestions, especially #8-I was SO mad at G-d, who allowed this to happen to me, my husband & my children that I had to go through a period of anger where I couldn't pray. With much hard work & introspection, I was able to see how this was possibly the best thing that could've happened to us: we were given a chance to work on our character traits;our connection to Hashem. I can now pray on a daily basis, where I truly thank Hashem for my problems, realizing He is sending them to me for me to use as an aid in my spiritual growth.
To commenter #3: You have no idea how insensitive & hurtful your remarks are!! The addicts are not BAD people, they are SICK people. I can testify that after living in active addiction & emotional abuse for close to 16 years I am able to trust my husband. More importantly, I am able to trust Hashem: Like He has done so in the past, He will show me what I need to know,when I need to know it. Also, running away from the situation with a divorce would not have fixed ME-I was as surely as sick as him & would have WRECKED any future marriage without working on myself.
To commenter #11: Ditto on the insensitivity & stupidity!! I have seen the most beautiful women, whose only desire was to truly satisfy their husbands but they never could.. No matter how many times they tried or whatever they did, their husbands were SICK & nothing, NOTHING would make them happy. One of the hallmarks of addiction is the addict can never reach the same "high" & constantly sinks lower to recreate it..
Thank you aish.com for this forum.

(13)
Anonymous,
June 21, 2010 5:34 PM

IN YOUR IMAGE

God gave us bodies and minds and we have the power to make choices. The Rebbetzin wrote a great article and understands that men are more prone to forgetting their brain, when it comes to sex. We see how many good guys who stand for ethical politics fall prey to off beat sex. Too bad, but true . The writer who claims that women too have this frailty, may be close, but as the saying goes, no cigar. In reality, men and women are different,. Sorry, but not so sorry. Women are the rearers and nurturers,while men are the hunters and are the seed planters, while omen are the cultivators. Both together ,they are a team. This is a case of seed run wild with no place to go. Nebuch, the Rebbetzin knows. While the soul is still in tact, and with God given warmth, humor and understanding, one can offer a suggestion. As the Rebbetzin suggests, protect your eyes and let him focus on you a bit more. Not a big deal.

(12)
Anonymous,
June 21, 2010 6:49 AM

7.Work together on your relationship...intimacy specifically.

I am happy someone has finally mentioned this although I think it should be your first comment. I agree 100% with comment # 11. For the first 15 years of my marriage my wife played hard to get, basically totally uninterested in physical intimacy. She learned in seminary to have kids but never learned that physical intimacy is part of married life even when not having kids. I was just as sexually frustrated after marriage as I was before marriage which was a total shock to me. Finally she has figured out that she was wrong during the first 15 years. When my chances of satisfaction were unlikely at the end of the day, when an inappriopriate e-mail came my way I was often swayed.

(11)
Anonymous,
June 21, 2010 1:49 AM

i think she needs to make sure her husband is satisfied at home so he isn't looking for outside stimulous

(10)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 8:43 PM

A filter which actually works!

For anyone living in Israel, I wish to strongly recommend Internet Rimon which offers a dynamic system for blocking inappropriate sites with real-time inspection of new sites.
There are a number of reasons which makes this filter unique:
1. Firstly, Internet Rimon runs through a modem which means that you don’t have to add a separate filter per computer. Secondly it prevents the possibility of overriding the system by using another computer, and thirdly, you can not use third party software to override it.
2. There are five levels of internet filtering the first level is active by default which can not be overridden. Although level one offers basic filtering, it will prevent access to raw pornographic sites.
3. Level two, is a more powerful filtering level which in addition to level one, blocks access to video hosting sites, which at best is no worse than having a television set in one’s house, but we all know there are far worse sites out their, so this level will block all that.
4. To be honest, I have not had to go beyond level two filtering, but moving all the way up to level five will basically only allow you access to email.
5. Once you have Internet Rimon, to make the best of it, not only should you set the filtering at level 2 and above but more importantly, have your wife set the password without giving it to you. (The password is only sufficient to override the filtering system down to level 1.) If you do not have the password, you will not be tempted to override it at a time of weakness.
6. The bonus factor of all this is that it prevents wasting time ‘surfing’ and have you concentrate on the more important factors of life.
Contact details for Internet Rimon:
1-800-222-234

(9)
E.,
June 20, 2010 7:42 PM

Guard Your Eyes.com

If I may also add, there is an excellent web site "Guard Your Eyes.com" which has been very successful in helping people with this sort of problem.

(8)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 7:36 PM

Sexist and unrealistic comments in article

1. Women are biologically driven with regard to sex, too, although in different ways.
2. There are laws in the U.S. prohibiting child pornography. As for other kinds of material, the problem is that given the structure of the internet, it's just about impossible to prevent the spread of obscene material without also filtering out many things that are not only not obscene but also may not include any sexual content whatsoever. Better that we err in having access to the indecent -- and choosing to omit it -- than that some censor or computer program decides that we can't have access to medical information, great works of art and literature, or even recipes (someone I knew once found her blocking software prevented her from getting a recipe for a particular preparation of "chicken breasts"!) as well as all the improper stuff that's out there.

(7)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 7:27 PM

THE MOST AWESOME,WELL WRITTEN,AND TO THE POINT,ARTICLE EVER!! ITS WOW!!

(6)
Dean Niswonger,
June 20, 2010 7:24 PM

Depend on HaShem for purity of mind

Suggestion #8 should be the #1 action.

(5)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 6:52 PM

Much thanks for a great article on a touchy subject

Absolutely excellent article on this subject!!
V. insightful; an excellent advice. sometimes i feel women have a "just say no" attitude that truthfully and sadless, doesn't quite 'do it'. your explanation in including this with the rhetoric of other 12 step programmes and the real reasons why men are involved in such ways ... is v. helpful and comforting; you've given me the means to understand & move forward, thank you!!

(4)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2010 5:41 PM

Platonic Relationship Gone Awry

It started innocently enough with a planotic work relationship, however three years later, we are still heavily involved. We do not work in the same office, and do not see eachother often (maximum twice a year) but the emotional bond is very strong. We have tried various methods of breaking up, sometimes stopping cold and it would hold up for a while, perhaps a few months, but then one of us would break and it would be all over again. Then we tried limiting our contact to once a week...In short, what can we do to end this? We both know it's wrong and want to put this behind us, but the bond is so strong and the the journey to resolution seems impossible. Any insight would be most appreciated.

(3)
anonymous,
June 20, 2010 3:57 PM

This is a sensitive issue, but...

Dear Rebbetzin Twerski,
I respectfully disagree with you. In this situation, the woman should seek to DIVORCE her husband! Addictions only get worse and this man sounds like a sex addict who in a way has cheated on her. What type of role model is he for their kids if they have any?!
in every relationship, even a marriage, there are limits. So I am very sorry, but how can she ever trust her husband again? If a woman wrote to you that her husband was punching her in the face, would you advise her to stay in that marriage?
If that were me, I would kick him to the curb--he has shown his wife dishonor and disrespect and is NOT a Torah observant man who puts his family as first priority.

(2)
Yaakov,
June 20, 2010 3:46 PM

www.guardyoureyes.org

Dear Rebbetzin, thanks for the great article. I am the founder of www.GuardYourEyes.org. We have helped over 1000 people recover from "lust addiction" over the past 3 years. We also have a special forum for "Spouses of Addicts" where woman can get support from experts and exchange chizuk with each other. I just wanted people to be aware of our work. We have been mentioned in Aish articles in the past (see here: http://www.aish.com/sp/so/53110247.html) and I was surprised we weren't mentioned in this article. Well, maybe next time :-)

(1)
Binyomin,
June 20, 2010 2:42 PM

A website for those who need help.

http://www.guardyoureyes.org/ is a website for Jews who are struggling with the various temptations described in the article above. They have numerous excellent resources and operate under the guidance of a number of great rabbis (including Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski). I speak as one who has made use of many of the resources on that site.

I’ve heard the argument made that Jews should not buy German products, for example Volkswagen cars which used Jewish slave labor during the war. It is wrong for Jews to support German industries?

My cousin says we should just forgive and forget. I would like your thoughts on the subject.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The great rabbi known as the Chazon Ish once said that if a Torah scroll was found burning, and a man used it to light his cigarette, there is no Jewish law that forbids it. Nevertheless, doing so would show a lack of sensitivity. So too, Jewish law does not forbid purchasing a German car.

Regarding the "demand for forgiveness," people often quote the Bible that when one is struck, it is proper to "turn the other cheek" and allow that cheek to be struck as well. But that only appears in the Christian Bible. Jews believe in fighting actively against evil.

Almost all people are inherently good and so we should forgive their lapses. But some people are truly evil – for example, Amalek, the ancient nation which wantonly attacked the Jews leaving Egypt.

Over two millennia ago when Haman (a descendant of Amalek) was commanded by the king to lead his enemy Mordechai through the streets of Shushan, Mordechai was too weak to climb on to the horse. Haman had to stoop to allow Mordechai to use his back as a stepping stool. In the process, Mordechai delivered a vicious kick to Haman which obviously startled him.

Turning to Mordechai in bewilderment, Haman asked: "Does it not say in your Bible, 'Do not rejoice at your enemy's downfall?'" Mordechai responded that indeed it does, but it refers only to people less evil than Haman. So too, we have no reason or allowance to forgive the Nazis and their helpers. Those who scraped the concrete in the gas chambers gasping for air can choose whether to forgive the Germans. We cannot.

In 1977, Egyptian President Anwar Sadat addressed the Knesset in Jerusalem. Sadat was the first Arab leader to officially visit Israel, after receiving an invitation from Menachem Begin. Sadat had orchestrated the Egyptian attack on Israel in the 1973 Yom Kippur War, but after suffering defeat became resigned to the existence of the State of Israel. Much of the Arab world was outraged by Sadat's visit and his change of strategy. One year later, Sadat and Begin signed the Camp David Peace Agreement, for which they received the Nobel Peace Prize. As part of the deal, Israel withdrew from the Sinai peninsula in phases, returning the entire area to Egypt by 1983.

There are many tasks, jobs, and chores that we will end up
doing whether we really enjoy doing them or not. Many hours of our lives are spent this way. The late Rabbi Chaim Friedlander, of Ponevehz Yeshivah, used to say, "If you are going to do it anyway, do it with joy."

Train a young lad according to his method, so that when he grows older he will not deviate from it (Proverbs 22:6).

He shall not deviate from it - the child will not deviate from the method with which he was taught. That method refers to the way we are taught to adapt to life's many hurdles, struggles, and tests.

Education consists of more than just imparting knowledge; it also means training and preparation in how to deal with life. Knowledge is certainly important, but is by no means the sum total of education.

"A person does not properly grasp a Torah principle unless he errs in it" (Gittin 43b). People usually do not really grasp anything unless they first do it wrong. In fact, the hard way is the way to learn. Children learn to walk by stumbling and picking themselves up; young people learn to adjust to life by stumbling and picking themselves up.

Parents and teachers have ample opportunities to serve as role models for their children and students, to demonstrate how to adapt to mistakes and failures. If we show our children and students only our successes, but conceal our failures from them, we deprive them of the most valuable learning opportunities.

We should not allow our egos to interfere with our roles as educators. Parents and teachers fulfill their obligations when they become role models for real life.

Today I shall...

try to share with others, especially with younger people, how I have overcome and survived my mistakes.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...