A Survival Guide to the Horror Film

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‘Tis the season to shamelessly stuff your face with popcorn and have a scary movie marathon. However, after several movies, don’t you get the feeling that you would be the best horror protagonist in the planet? Because who hasn’t sat through a slasher film without yelling, “Don’t do it!” about five times? If you ever imagined yourself being stalked by a mysterious murderer, here are a 10 things not to do, with a few classic slasher films to prove it.

3. Never underestimate the outcast.

If you watched One Tree Hill, then you probably remember Jimmy. And if you watched Valentine, you would know that Season 3 of OTH could have been a lot worse.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

4. Always shoot or stab twice.

Same goes with video games. The worst thing you could do is shoot once and run away. More often than not, they aren’t dead and will kill you. Soon.

Urban Legend (1998)

5. Never mess with the stories you hear.

Be it an urban legend you read somewhere, Bloody Mary, or even a stupid superstition–don’t do it. Unless you want your dog to be microwaved.

Final Destination (2000)

6. If you have visions, don’t tell the cops.

They will either ignore your emergency calls or put you in the psych ward. Either way, you will somehow die.

7. Be aware of the soundtrack.

Well, the sounds around you, at least. When you hear the violins, shit is about to go down. Have you ever played Silent Hill? Did you notice that the static on Harry’s radio always warns him if there are monsters near? I digress. You’d think you’d put the pieces together if the same song always played when your friends would die around you.

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

8. Don’t underestimate the power of nightmares.

It’s never a coincidence when you and your friends dream of the same thing. Don’t let Johnny Depp die the next time around. I repeat, DON’T.

Scream (1996)

9. Never underestimate prank calls.

“What’s the color of your underwear? What’s your favorite scary movie?” These questions are all the same. There is a possibility that you might die, so just hang up.

10. Never have sex at a party when you know there’s a murderer around town.

Especially when the killer turns out to be your boyfriend. But if he isn’t (or if you haven’t figured it out yet), just abstain. Killers have some weird way of knowing when you and bae are sneaking around to get your freak on.

Sorry, we cheated. You can never be too prepared, so here a few extra quick tips:

Never go back for basically ANYTHING you dropped.

This is written on the tombstones of many. “Here lies Jane Doe, a daughter and sister, after going back for her damn necklace.”

Conserve your energy, don’t run.

You know how when the victim runs for his or her life, they look back and see the murderer casually walking, not breaking a sweat? This will happen no matter how fast you run, regardless if the victim is a cripple or an Olympic medalist. Try walking.