It takes a village

Therapy is expensive. So when I am having “bad days” I write about them because it’s therapeutic and free. Some posts get published and others are set-aside for my eyes only or to be re-written or re-worked at a later date. But today, today, I find myself writing in the moment and there will probably be many errors as you read this, but when I get emotionally worked up about stuff it just spews out of my mouth and I don’t stop to think whether or not it sounds good.

Today I am having a bad day. And I realize that lots of us have bad days. Many, most, actually probably 90% of other bad days, I know, would be considered WAY worse. But nonetheless here I am writing about mine.

Today my bad day is the result of so many things, but the culmination of those things seems to be the reality that Motherhood is hard. Or can be hard, or has moments of extreme hardness, in which I speak of the trials & tribulations we face and not the perception that Motherhood has a sense of density in relation to being “hard”. Anyhow….

I am in the middle of a transitional phase with our daughter and it is wearing me thin. No longer a “baby” she is entering the toddler phase of life like a bullet from a gun and its been difficult trying to find a daily rhythm. Her naps are changing, her attitude is changing, and her entire being is changing. Since its my first go at this, everything is new and so I am learning every day. And I am slowly realizing that my 4 year college degree did nothing to prepare me for it.

Thank God I have a Mom’s group and mom friends who offer me sanity in an otherwise insane time. I don’t know what it was about today that made me lose it, but lose it I did. It doesn’t help that I am having an allergy attack and it’s the first day of my period, but still, I generally don’t get this emotional. So I am left thinking that maybe it is simply just one of “those” days. And every once in awhile I realize that I just need a good cry.

As a side-note to my otherwise unfortunate “bad day”, is this sudden awakening that I hope I am responding “in-kind” to mothers around me when they have similar days. My bright orange, life vest of a friend JM, who always happens to bear the grunt of my texting rampages, when everything has hit the fan, is seriously a life-saver. And whenever I get messages of the same nature from other moms I hope my response is as warm & fuzzy as hers are to me.

This sudden realization has also made me more aware of how frequently mom’s bring other mom’s down. And it makes me sick. All too-often I hear one mom begrudging another mom her right to vent, complain, confess etc. about the hardships they might be experiencing because it can’t be worse then what they are dealing with. I hear this stuff and I am like REALLY?! They start to compare by who has more kids, or who has all boys vs. all girls or whose kids just are easier then other kids or this & that and blah blah blah.

When the truth of the situation is that whether you have 1 kid or 20 kids and all girls or all boys or a mixture of both, at the end of the day we as a cumulative whole are all mothers trying to navigate a job that in a sense has no job description, no pay, no guidelines and changes on a freaking daily basis. To say that there aren’t bad days would be a lie.

But my point is this… We all have them. And sometimes the only way you survive them is by being allowed to cry on another moms shoulder. You could try your husbands, but more often then not they start to think youdo need therapy. When really you just want to be understood and acknowledged and reaffirmed that today will pass and tomorrow will be better. Because the reality that there are bad days comes with the reality that there are amazing, heart-wrenching, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, jaw-dropping, flipping AWESOME days. It’s these days that overshadow the bad ones and remind us that it is all worth it.

They weren’t being obtuse when they said, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It really does. And although it might feel like the whole village is working, sometimes all you need is….

One good friend. One good cry. One good phone call and maybe a shot of vodka or two.

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6 thoughts on “It takes a village”

I couldn't agree more. There's nothing like sympathy from someone who gets it. Husbands can only do so much. I did get some help from my mother – I remember a couple of instances where she saved my sanity when my daughter tested me beyond what I could take by myself, and I had no one else to turn to. Mommies should support each other! This isn't a competition for who's doing the hardest job – it's ALL HARD.And btw – feel free to come to moms like me and ask, "Does this get better?" because I will tell you, "YES. YES IT DOES." That baloney about "Just wait until they're teenagers"? Yeah, I heard that crap when I was a young mother. Well, PSSHH and shame on them. IGNORE that. Do what you're doing now, and you'll be fine. (Punishments are a snap in comparison! I've taken phones, game systems, bedroom doors that were slammed one time too many, and reduced people to blubbering promises of I'll-never-do-it-again! compare that to getting a 2-year-old to stay in time-out, let alone LEARN anything from it! Ack!)There WILL be better days, and I hope one of yours is tomorrow.

Lauren McKinley, Emily Green and 4 others like this. Melissa Schwab love you ♥ hope your day is getting better!!!! xoxoxox March 22 at 4:48pm · Like Ashley Rodriguez While I can't even begin to imagine or relate to the feat that is motherhood, you never cease to inspire me as a woman through your blog posts. Just thought you should know that what you offer to other women through your warmth and heartfelt candidness in all of the life-things you share with us, is unparalleled and irreplaceable. Praying for sunny skies for you tomorrow. March 22 at 4:49pm · Unlike · 1 Pati States O friend I feel ur pain! Transition into toddlerhood is soooo hard! I will say that raising a toddler is way harder than the newborn stage. Today I had one of those days too. Many things piling on top of each other added to my very pregnant hormones and then I stubbed my toe and the flood gates of my eyes opened wide! I love u and hope tomorrow is better. Ur doing a great job!!! March 22 at 5:17pm · Unlike · 1 Casey Pintaric Chan IT GETS BETTER! or just different??? Hang in there Mommy and give yorusef a break! It is OK to be frustrated, confused, annoyed, tired, upset etc. etc. I don't think we necessarily get smarter about parenthood as we go along with it, but just realize that we know less and less then we thought we did! It is the hardest and most emotional thing you could ever do. March 22 at 5:59pm · Unlike · 1 Christy Zimmerman Cameron Some people say parenting never gets easier, it just changes… I disagree, I think it gets way easier. The baby and toddler stage was very hard for me. I felt it was constant work. As hard as it was, I do miss the baby stages for sure. Bittersweet. March 22 at 6:59pm · Unlike · 1 Amy Wagoner Every day in toddlerville is different and changes…thats what makes it so frustrating. Just when u think u might have a routine figured out something will happen that throws it all outta whack again. Tonite was a hard nite with Kara throwing a fit because her luke warm bath was "too hot" (nevermind that Reese was perfectly content in the same water) screaming and crying she then decided to pee on the floor next to the tub and throw up in the bath water because she got herself so upset. But there us always tomorrow..TGIF 🙂 March 22 at 8:57pm · Unlike · 1 Sara Ambler Sorry friend. Those days are really rough. Going to go to balboa park tomorrow with Shyloh if you'd like to come. Maybe the zoo:) March 22 at 9:01pm · Unlike · 1 Lisa Chaffee Sorry you had a bad day. These times are trying for sure. That's why God invented wine. 😉 March 22 at 9:15pm · Unlike · 1 Ashley Marie Gibson I feel you!! Last night was the night from you know where with Lucy!!! I just hope my child will eventually consistently sleep through the night. My sanity needs it 🙂 at least we have each other to lean on. March 22 at 9:48pm · Unlike · 1 Jeanne-Marie Grewe Bright orange life vest of a friend?! I am humbly honored. I love you. You are amazing. And I'm here for you AT ANY HOUR!!!! March 22 at 11:12pm · Unlike · 1 Esther Kim Shokair Tomorrow is today and I am coming! And I am bringing you a love present 🙂 nothing big, but it's from me and it's from my love 🙂 and tomorrow is gonna be even better because we are gonna be eating carbs and caffeine and watching hunger games! I love u! I love how real you are…never change. Friday at 11:37am · Unlike · 2 Heather Bowser The nacho on any given day is delicious, but every now and then you get shanked in the roof of your mouth, does that mean you won't eat anymore? I think not…..just keep on munching. Cause lets face it this nacho is amazing(especially with beans and guaco). I love you. Friday at 6:26pm · Unlike · 1

Oh Tammara…How is it that we have never met and yet we have been able to give each other the words so necessary to survive? I cannot thank you enough for your words of encouragement and for sharing my exact same perspective on Motherhood. I keep telling people that I honestly and excitedly look forward to the teenage days because although its still hard & stressful they WILL KNOW what they are doing and will be able to SPEAK to me in plain English!!And my tomorrow was much, much,much, better!!