At a crossroads with husband who is an addict

Carla - posted on 04/06/2013
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I have been with this guy for 10 years. I have struggled to help him overcome meth, marijuana and alcohol addictions over the time we've been together. We have kids. We moved away from all those problems but he has made friends who live that lifestyle. I've done everything I could, ultimatums, kicked him out, helped him detox, etc. Recently he confessed to hiding it behind my back. He has promised a sober life for me and my kids but we are always reliving these relapses. He wants to be sober but now its alcohol. I care about him but I love myself and my kids enviroment more than him. Obviously, I love him but I'm not willing to continue living this way for the remaining years I have in life. My perspective is he is selfish and he could care less of what makes me happy as long as he's happy. I've expressed this to him. He has promised to stop, be here for me, make me happy since he has been more of a burden in my life and he's sorry, etc. What do I do? I'm trying to change my life and be a better christian. What about him? He says he wants to as well, but then he does the things he does. I'm emotionally hurt and tired. Mentally drained and discouraged about the life he's willing to give me. I'm physically weak and exhausted. He doesn't seem to care about what his choices have done to our relashionship but whats its done to me as a person. For being there for him over so many years while his family wasn't nor his friends. Love will make you do stupid things. I've had too much hope for someone who is unwilling to change for himself or his family. He expects to be happy while making me unhappy. I've resigned to fight with him on certain cases, but for him to take advantage of my willingness. I'm at a crossroads. His family refuses to help they just enable him, "whats the big deal?" I am 100% sure that if he was affecting them directly, they would see what the big deal is. I'm literally alone on this. His family is unsupportive and his friends live the same lifestlye he rushes towards because they don't have families and they have lost potential wifes due to the same selfish choices. I am being asked to forgive and forget. I know I should and focus on myself and my kids. Easier said than done. WIth other women who have overcome this, what advice do you give me? I'm tired of being alone, weak, hopeful, and willing when all that happens in a month or so, is the same inconvinences he puts me and my kids through. Please give me constructive advice. I've been judged and critized for being hopeful and positive. If being a heartless person is what I need to be, then so be it.

I would be leaving him. You have tried for 10 years. One thing I have learned about addicts is, they have to want to get clean themselves. No ultimatum is gonna force them to do anything. You have tried. You have been supportive. Now it is time to think about you and your kids, and stop giving him all of your love, attention and support.

Would you rather raise your kids to understand the drugs are a bad thing and to keep away from people who ruin their lives with them, or teach them to stand by someone and enable them when they are an addict? It is important to teach them that love is when you stand by someone, but this is not a good situation for anyone. He is an addict, and will keep being an addict until HE wants to change. Of course that is in his mind to change, and I am sure he wants to change, but clearly he is not ready. You staying with him is INDEED enabling his behavior. I mean just think of how many times you have threatened to leave him if he doesn't clean up? Then he makes a small effort, and goes right back to it and you stay. He needs help. Professional long term help. He cannot be forced. He needs to do it on his own. Move out and save yourself and your kids.