Step 5: What To Say To Your Ex Girlfriend

When to talk to your ex, How to talk to her, and What to say

Before you can get back together with your girlfriend, you'll need to re-open the lines of communication between you. Talking with your ex again is the easy part. Knowing the right things to say however, can be a lot harder.

In getting back in touch with your ex, you've got two possible scenarios:

First (and most desirable) would be when your ex girlfriend calls or contacts you. This can happen a lot easier than you might think, and if you've played things right during the other four steps of this process, there's a good chance your ex will be the one who does the initial reaching out.

There are also some tips and tricks you can use to make your ex call you. Check these out if you haven't heard from your ex girlfriend yet.

The second scenario involves you having to call or contact your ex girlfriend. Before you even consider doing this, you'll need to have taken certain measures. You need to have withdrawn properly, and given your ex enough time and distance to actually start missing you. Skipping these steps will lead to disaster, so don't jump over them.

Know when the time is right toget back in touch with your ex.

So when is it time to get back in touch with your ex girlfriend?

How long should you go No Contact before making your move?

The answers depend on how long it's been since your breakup, and how thoroughly and honestly you followed the no-contact rule.

On average however, you shouldn't be attempting to call or contact an ex girlfriend who dumped you until you've waited at least 5 or 6 weeks.

A month and a half's time is just long enough that your ex will really be missing you, and even better, she'll be extremely curious about what you've been doing without her.

It's also not long enough that your ex is likely to forget about you. And unless she had some other guy in mind when she broke up with you, she probably hasn't jumped into a rebound relationship.

Best ways to get back in touch with your ex girlfriend

Now when it comes to communicating with your ex after the breakup, you'll obviously need a reason for calling. Because if you pick up the phone and try to just "wing it", you're going to end up getting totally clowned.

"I left some stuff at your house" - This is the most common way couples talk again after a breakup. Making this call too early is way too suspicious, but by making it a month or more after the breakup your ex will suspect a lot less ulterior motives. Make sure you're calling for a legit item, and not to pick up your Best of Coldplay CD.

"Just wanted to say congrats" - Did your ex girlfriend graduate? Get promoted? Win an award? If there's a half-decent reason to call and voice your support her, this type of phone call can definitely break the ice. Just be sure this is something you would've known about during the relationship, or she may think you've been stalking her.

"I'm calling to see how your mom was doing" - If you got fairly close to your ex's family while dating her, you can remain rightfully vested in their well-being. Is someone in the hospital? Recovering from an illness? Calling to see how your ex girlfriend's family members are doing is a sweet way of getting back in touch without making yourself seem like you're calling solely for your ex.

"Listen, I ran across some of your things" - Did your ex leave some things at your place? If she did, suddenly 'finding' that stuff is a good excuse to call her up. And if your ex hasn't asked for her things back by now? It's entirely possible she left those things there intentionally, to eventually provoke just such a phone call from you.

"Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday" - It's totally okay to acknowledge your ex girlfriend's birthday, as long as you do it correctly. Let her know you would've felt bad without at least recognizing the day, and simply wish her a happy birthday.

These are only some of the ways you can legitimize getting back in touch with your ex after she breaks up with you. There are others too, but nothing is as effective as getting your ex girlfriend to call YOU.

No matter what excuse you use to dial your ex girlfriend's phone number, make sure you have a plan of attack. This means you should know exactly what you're going to say to her, as well as have a good overall idea of how you want the conversation to go.

You'll also want to keep any first contact with your ex as short as possible. By getting off the phone quickly you're sending multiple messages: you're not being needy, you're not being nosey, and you're kinda busy doing other stuff.

How To Talk To Your Ex Girlfriend:

Handling that first contact, and what you should be saying

No matter who called who, that first phone call between you and your ex is the single most important piece of contact you'll ever make.

If this one conversation goes smoothly, you'll be right in the driver's seat when it comes to getting her back. But if it goes wrong? You could be knocked right back to square one... or even worse.

Before doing anything you'll need to get into the right frame of mind. Talking to your ex for the first time can be very nervewracking, especially if you've been building this moment up in your head for a while.

Confidence & Control

These two important things need to dominate your thoughts, your voice, and even your physical mannerisms before talking to your ex girlfriend.

If you sound insecure or nervous, your ex is going to sense it right away. She'll immediately realize she's still in a position of power, and that puts you in a position of weakness.

But if you convey control? Confidence? Even a slight level of indifference? Your girlfriend will sense the change in attitude. She'll also know you're in a much different place than she left you when the two of you broke up.

Your ex should feel privileged to talk to YOU... not the other way around.

Try to imagine talking to your ex as if you were still going out. As if you were making a casual, daily phone call, with no reason to be nervous at all.

Casual is KEY. Indifference should be an underlying theme. Your girlfriend shouldn't sense excitement or nervousness on your part, and you shouldn't act overly anxious to be talking to her.

It should almost be as if you couldn't give a shit whether or not she called. Yet at the same time, you DO want to give her the impression that you're glad to be hearing from her again. You can exhibit all of the above attributes, but still be positive at the same time.

Speed is important too. If you talk too fast you'll come off as needy and desperate. But by speaking slowly and deliberately, your words - and overall presentation - will carry a lot more weight.

The First Phone Call - What To Say To Your Ex

Okay, the moment finally arrives when you and your ex girlfriend are back on the phone together. So... what do you say?

Well for starters, the less you say the better.

Sounds weird, right? I mean, you've waited so long to talk to her again, so why wouldn't you talk?

Understand that in the beginning at least, less is always more. Although you have lots to say to her right now, you don't want to overwhelm your ex girlfriend with a bunch of small talk. You also don't want to talk about any heavy subjects either, such as the topic of your breakup.

Most of all, you want to leave your ex wanting more. By not giving away everything all at once, you're making it much more likely that your girlfriend will want (and hopefully need) to talk to you a second and third time.

So when your ex finally does call you up, you'll want the conversation to go something like this:

"Hey stranger, how's it going?"

Remember: casual. Don't come off all goofy, but you want to break the ice by not being so serious. Your ex girlfriend expects a lot of tension in your first conversation, and she'll be relieved when you don't bring any with you.

"It's good to hear from you. How've you been?"

You're being friendly here, and you're still casual. You're letting her know you're glad to hear from her, and you're giving your ex a chance to tell you what she's been up to.

Always let her do most of the talking.

At the same time, you're not prying for info. You're not asking anything specific, or trying to peek into her post-breakup life.

Basically, you're letting her tell you what's been up with her. You've probably been apart for a while now, and there are new developments in her life she'll definitely be willing to share with you.

Best of all, you're getting her to talk about herself. This makes your ex comfortable. It relaxes her, and gives her the freedom to reveal only what she wants to reveal.

No matter what your ex girlfriend talks about, let her run with it. Be interested. Ask a little bit, but let her elaborate on her own. Talk about work, school, her job, her family... a little bit of small talk will go a long way toward keeping the whole conversation smooth and uninterrupted.

Eventually, she's going to ask about YOU. This is where you need to be careful, because you don't want to say too much.

Remember, it's been a while. You've disappeared, and she hasn't known anything about where you've been. Your ex is already VERY curious about you. She'll want to know who you've been hanging around with, and what you've been doing without her, since the break up.

And this is the perfect time to end the phone call.

"Listen, I hate to do this but I really have to run. I've got a million things going on this week... why don't you give me a call next week, if you want to catch up some more?"

Many, many things get accomplished here.

First and most important, YOU'RE the one ending the phone call. This destroys any last trace of neediness or desperation, because if you'd still wanted your ex back you would never rush off the phone with her.

Next, your ex will want to know why you're hanging up so quickly. What could possibly be so important that you'd cut the call short with her? Suddenly, your priorities seem to have changed. She's not on the top of the list anymore... something (or someone) else is.

Also note: you didn't say you'd call her. You told HER to call YOU. This is pretty slick, because you're putting the idea in her head before she could say no. And even more slick? You suggested she call you, almost as if you don't care whether or not she actually does.

Doubt: The precursorto changing her mind.

Last, you told her to get back in touch with you next week. Why? Because this week is shot for you. You're so busy this week that you don't even have time for your ex girlfriend... and THAT's what's going to stick in her mind the most.

In the blink of an eye, your ex is suddenly wondering what the hell you could possibly be doing, and why it's apparently so much more important than hearing from her.

Remember, the less information you give your ex girlfriend about yourself the more she'll start building you up in her mind. In a very short time you'll go from jilted ex-lover to someone who's obviously moving on with his life.

"Is he seeing someone else? Did he already meet some other girl?"

These are only some of the questions she'll ask herself once you've blown her off on the phone. And if your ex has ANY doubts about the breakup whatsoever, they're going to rise immediately to the surface after this one simple phone call.

Rejection is powerful. Used correctly, it can drive your ex right back into your arms again, with only a minimum of effort.

Alright, let's talk about the final few moves you'll need to get her back: