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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Welcome
to the last Tuesday Timeline for September 2015. And, I only wish that I had a happier topic
to talk about in this edition, but I'm afraid that this one is a rather scary
tale. It certainly made one think twice
about reaching into a medicine cabinet, that's for sure.

Ah,
but I've said too much. I'll get into
more detail about what I mean after we get through the other necessary steps,
such as historical events and September 29 birthdays.

I'm
curious to know what sort of events were going on in the world this day in
history. Let's find out!

1717 - Antigua Guatemala is struck by an earthquake,
destroying most of the buildings there

1789 - The United States Department of War establishes
its first regular army

1829 - The Metropolitan Police of London is founded

1864 - The Battle of Chaffin's Farm is fought during the
American Civil War

1885 - The first practical public electric tramway is
opened in Blackpool, England

Now
that we have that out of the way, it's time to reveal today's date.

September 29, 1982. I'd like to say that I remember that date vividly, but I can't
recall it. I was only a little over a
year old at that time and my biggest decisions back then was deciding on
whether I wanted to have a nap or play with blocks.

But
this date is one that is etched in the minds of people who lived in the Chicago
area at that time. It was on this date
thirty-three years ago that had people living in fear. It was a time in which people were not sure
if the medicine that they had in their homes was safe to take.

The
story begins in Elk Grove Village, Illinois.
That morning, a twelve-year-old girl died under mysterious
circumstances. It was discovered that
before she passed away, she had not been feeling well and she took some Extra
Strength Tylenol in hopes that it would make her feel better. At first it was considered an isolated
incident. But as the days passed,
police would soon discover that this definitely was not the case.

Later
on that day, a man was brought to the hospital and died there. He too had taken a capsule of Extra Strength
Tylenol prior to his death. The man's
brother and sister-in-law would be the next to die after they had taken Tylenol
from the same bottle after his memorial service.

By
the end of the week, a total of seven people would lose their lives...and all
seven people had one thing in common.
They had all taken Tylenol before they passed away.

And
even more disturbing? All of the
bottles of Tylenol that the victims had in their possession had traces of
cyanide inside of them.

This
meant that someone in the Chicago area was poisoning bottles of Tylenol at
random, and that a potential serial killer was on the loose.

Police
investigations immediately ruled out Tylenol as the perpetrator. All the bottles that had been poisoned came
from different factories that were located all over the United States. It made it very unlikely that the poisoned
Tylenol came from the same shipment.
Therefore, police concluded that the perpetrator was instead going
inside of random supermarkets and pharmacies and poisoning random bottles that
way.

Either
way, police urged people to cease using Tylenol until the investigation was
concluded, and stores willingly took all Tylenol products off of the shelves
until the killer was caught. It was
definitely a very scary time for the people in Chicago, and I can only imagine
the panic and terror that was going on at that time. Despite this though, police only managed to find eight bottles
that were tampered with. The five
bottles used in the killings, as well as three others that had been found
sitting on store shelves.

For
what it was worth, the manufacturers of Tylenol - Johnson & Johnson - were
extremely co-operative with the investigation, and despite what had happened,
Tylenol rebounded within a year. Of
course, when Tylenol was reintroduced into Chicago stores, Johnson &
Johnson made a few changes. First, they
changed the format of their pain relievers, choosing to make them caplets
instead of capsules. That way, it made
it harder for people to tamper with. As
well, the packaging was later revamped so that all bottles were triple
sealed. This would eventually lead to
the creation of childproof bottles that would make it harder to tamper with.

But
perhaps the most positive change of all?
After the Tylenol murders, the law was changed so that anybody who was
caught tampering with any medication of any kind would face still penalties
ranging from hefty fines to jail time.
Considering the pain that this person brought so many people and the
fear that they brought forth through Chicago, this was definitely a
requirement.

Now,
here's the scariest footnote in all of this.
As of today, the case essentially remains unsolved thirty-three years
later. The only arrest that was made in
relation to the crime was in 1982, when James William Lewis was arrested for
extortion and served thirteen years in prison when he sent a letter to Johnson
& Johnson from New York City demanding that they send him one million
dollars or else more people would be hurt.
Many people still believe that Lewis was the sole perpetrator of the
Chicago Tylenol Murders, but not enough evidence has ever been presented to
make any accusations stick. Several
other people were briefly considered as suspects, but they were eventually
cleared.

There
was even a theory going around that a former Johnson & Johnson employee had
made the claim that the bottles of Tylenol were actually poisoned before the
product actually reached stores, indicating that a disgruntled employee might
have done the deed.

At this point in time, it's hard to say. It has been thirty-three years since the
first victim died, and in all likelihood, the person who committed the crime
has since passed on as well. Regardless,
September 29, 1982 was a day that had many Chicago residents on edge, and made
you think twice before reaching for headache medicine for quite some time
after.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

It's
been a while since I've done an album spotlight, and I thought that in this
case, there was no time like the present.

Only,
this album spotlight could elicit one of two reactions, depending on what side
of the globe you happen to be living in.
In some places, this album was a huge success that scored four huge
hits, and earned our featured singer the accolade of being the youngest female
artist to have their debut single to reach the #1 position in the UK.

In
other places, the album didn't do so well, only had one minor single release,
and her singing career in North America fizzled before it even began. Although some of you may recognize her for
her television work in such series as "Penny Dreadful", "Secret
Life of a Call Girl", and this sci-fi series which has been on the air for
over fifty years.

And
certainly when it comes to the show "Doctor Who", our featured singer
happened to play a very important role.
Joining the show in 2005, she played the role of Doctor Who's companion,
Rose Tyler. And although she was
contractually on the show for one year, she made return appearances on the
show, the most recent being in 2013.

These
days, Billie Piper is most well known for her acting chops. But did you know that this actress - who
recently turned 33 years old on September 22 - started out her career as a pop
artist?

I'm
not kidding you. And, here's the proof.

Today's
album spotlight is Billie Piper's debut album "Honey To The B",
released in October 1998. At the time,
she was just going by her first name, Billie.
She had just turned sixteen at the time of the album's release, and in
her native UK the album spawned four singles and was certified platinum.

I
wish I could say that her success in the United States was just as good, but
she kind of disappeared as quickly as she came. I suppose part of the reason could have been timing. I remember 1998/1999 was the year that we
had a whole slew of female pop artists dominating the charts from Britney
Spears and Christina Aguilera to Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson. On top of that, the Spice Girls had already
cornered the female market in the mini-British invasion of the mid-1990s. There really wasn't a whole lot of room for
Billie to make her mark on the music industry in the United States.

Interestingly
enough though, in my home country of Canada, I seem to recall MuchMusic playing
her music videos a lot! I guess in a
way, it makes sense though. Canada is
tied very close to the United Kingdom, and our music charts seem to favour more
UK music than the United States does.

Anyway,
for those of you who were fans of Billie Piper's music, you'll love this
one. And for those of you who only know
her from Doctor Who, well...be prepared to be surprised. Whether that surprise will be a good one or a
bad one, I'll leave it up to you.

So,
what was Billie's first single?

1.
BECAUSE WE WANT TO
Released: June 29, 1998
Peak Position on the UK Charts: #1
Peak Position on Canadian Charts: #30

See, I told you she was more known in Canada than in the United States!

And
it was with this single that Billie Piper made history. At just fifteen years old, she was the
youngest female artist to have her very first single debut at the #1 spot on
the British charts. The single was also
the official song of the 1999 Women's World Cup, so I would say that she did
very well with her first single, wouldn't you?

The
song itself is actually not bad. Like I
said, she was coming out around the same time as the Spice Girls, and she was
already having to compete against pre-existing female artists such as Kylie
Minogue and Robyn, so I would imagine that she probably had to work a little
harder to get her stuff out there. But
for a debut single, I'd say it was worth becoming a Top 30 hit in Canada, and a
#1 smash hit across the pond.

I
only wish that the music video was not so cheesy. The CGI (and might I add, really bad CGI) UFO was bad. The trash can melting into a dancing robot
was cringeworthy. By the time I saw the
rhinoceros bouncer, I was on the floor laughing at how horrible it was. But in Billie's defense, she was
fifteen. Fifteen year olds find random
things amusing. I know I did when I was
that age.

2.
GIRLFRIEND
Released: September 21, 1998
Peak Position on the UK Charts: #1

This
was another song that was heavily featured on the Canadian music video channel
MuchMusic back in the day, so I'm really surprised that this single never
charted here. It also never charted in
America either, which also surprises me since a special edit was recorded on
the American version of "Honey To The B".

In
the UK though, Billie continued her quest for domination of the British pop
charts with this single becoming her second #1 hit. And thankfully, this music video is not as badly done as her
first one. Truth be told, it's quite
well done in its simplicity.

Of
course, the song's message itself is simple.
It's about a girl who has feelings for a guy and wants to know if he
wants her as his girlfriend. Simplistic
and sweet, and the perfect song for someone who was about to turn sweet
sixteen. After all, this song was
originally released the day before Billie's 16th birthday.

3.
SHE WANTS YOU
Released: December 7, 1998
Peak Position on the UK Charts: #3
Peak Position on the USA Dance Charts:
#9

I
know that she wants you, she wants you, she wants you...

Yeah,
so the chorus was very repetitive, but then again, so are most modern day pop
songs. I have to say though that I do
have this one on my iPod, and I have to admit that it is a guilty pleasure!

There
were two music videos made for this single.
The one that I posted here was the American version...but the movie that
Billie and her friends are watching at the drive-in? That was the version that was released in the UK! So, it's like a video within a video!

Now
while this single cracked the Top 5 in the UK, this was Billie Piper's only
American single to even be released in some format. But you know, of the four singles released from "Honey To
The B", this one is my favourite of the bunch.

One
thing that you might not know is that this single was actually a cover
version. It was originally released by
Dara Rolins in 1996.

And
if anyone bought the CD single of the song "She Wants You", they were
given a special gift. With the single
released just days before Christmas, Billie recorded a version of "Last
Christmas" for the single. It
didn't really chart, but I've included it here just for posterity purposes.

4.
HONEY TO THE BEE

Released: April 13, 1999

Peak
Position on the UK Charts: #3 and #17

I
know, you're confused. How can a song
have two different chart positions?
Well, the answer is simple. The
single re-entered the British charts eight years apart, that's why!

Originally,
the song reached #3 in the spring of 1999 - and given the incredibly lame video
that accompanied the song, I'm kind of hoping that it was the song's strength
that helped it chart that high. Billie,
did you learn nothing from the "Because We Want To" ordeal? Aye yi yi!

But
the song re-entered the charts in January 2007, and you can thank a British DJ
for that feat.

In
January 2007, Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles was introducing a new format for the UK
Charts that would have a different set of guidelines that would come into
effect by the end of the month. He
tested that theory out by selecting a random song that had been released over
the last ten years wanting to see if the rules would help propel it back into
the charts. The song chosen was
"Honey To The Bee", and to everyone's surprise, the song peaked at
#17 - eight years after its initial release!

So,
that's a look back at "Honey To The B". Billie's music career sadly peaked at this point. In 2000, she released her sophomore album
"Walk of Life", but it failed to match the success of her previous
album and by the time she entered the world of acting in 2004, she had all but
given up on her singing career.

But for one brief shining moment in the late
1990s, Billie Piper was a pop starlet.
And I just brought you the proof.

Friday, September 25, 2015

It's
time for another edition of the New Archies
Reviewed! We're doing the second part of episode five,
and once again, I will warn you that the screencaps that I used for this
episode were from a source that was not the best quality. The good news is that it appears that this
is the only episode where I had problems with the visual quality. The rest of the screencaps should be good.

Okay,
so here's Episode 5B:
Stealing The Show.

We
open our episode inside of Miss Grundy's classroom and Miss Grundy is really
excited. Apparently at Riverdale Junior
High, it is tradition for the seventh graders of the school to put on a
performance of a fairy tale for the rest of the school. The selected fairy tale that Grundy has
chosen is the classic tale of "Cinderella", and the reason she is so
excited is because she will be directing the production. Great, more ways she can intimidate interact
with her students.

Naturally,
Reggie thinks that this is the most boring thing in the world, but Miss Grundy
surprises her class by saying that they will be performing the play as a rock
opera, which makes everybody leap out of their chairs in excitement. I don't know. Miss Grundy directing a rock opera version of Cinderella? Unless they're planning on performing songs
by the heavy metal band "Cinderella", I don't see how this could
work.

Yep...definitely
NOT music Grundy would be caught listening to on her tape player or victrola.

Anyway,
the scripts are passed out, and anyone who wants a part could try out for her
in class...but grabby hands Veronica snatches a script out of Archie's hands,
and immediately pictures herself as a big time movie star. Good lord, Veronica, it's a junior high
school play! Not the Academy
Awards! Trust me, you are no Demi
Moore, or Molly Ringwald, or Ally Sheedy, or any other female member of the
Brat Pack. You're delusional if you
think that a junior high school play will get you discovered by a Hollywood
agent.

And
Betty essentially says the same thing as she announces to Veronica that she
plans on trying out for the role of Cinderella too, so Veronica had better shut
her face right now. Reggie tries to
stick up for Veronica, but Betty won't hear it. I must say, it's not often that Betty gets angry, but when she
does, I have to admit. I love it!

Now,
we don't get to see all of the auditions, but we do get to see Moose's which is
absolutely hilarious as he doesn't show any emotion and he reads the lines
really slowly. Oh, and he is apparently
trying out for the role of the prince.
Yeah, he won't get it.

Especially
after Miss Grundy gives him advice to read with more feeling and to think of
something that will elicit some emotion - which leads to Moose thinking about
football and threatening to knock Cinderella out of her glass slippers! Yikes!
I don't know what's more disturbing - Moose figuratively punching
Cinderella, or Reggie thinking that Moose punching Cinderella is funny.

Well,
no matter what, Miss Grundy is ready to announce the parts that our main
characters have won. To Reggie and
Veronica's shock (and my enjoyment), Archie and Betty have won the roles of the
Prince and Cinderella respectively.
Jughead has won the role of the King, Reggie is the Grand Duke...and
Veronica is cast as the Wicked Stepmother!
Gee, Miss Grundy would make a swell casting agent!

Naturally,
Veronica goes into a snit and announces that she's too good to play the most
hated character in the play even though she's done a good job playing one of
the most hated characters on the show for five whole episodes now. But Reggie decides that he hasn't been
mischievous enough and tells Veronica that if she teams up with him, he will
make HER the star!

Uh-oh.

But
we have no time to speculate as a dress rehearsal is going on at the
moment. We learn that Betty is
rehearsing the scene in which the fairy godmother is going to turn the pumpkin
into a carriage, and seeing how Big Ethel is on stage at the same time, we can
assume she is going to be the one doing the Bibbidi Bobbidi Booing or something
like that. We also learn that Eugene
and Moose are in charge of special effects and props. Yeah, Eugene might not be so bad, but Moose? How bad could it be?

Well,
when Moose pulls the rope to release the pumpkin carriage, he pulls it too hard
and the carriage comes crashing down squashing Betty into a bloody pancake.

Just
kidding. Though Moose and the ropes
play a very important role later on.
Mild spoiler alert.

Anyway,
Veronica is continuing to whine about how she is the ugly stepmother, and how
she has to wear a costume that makes her look like Jughead's mother, and it's
just really annoying to hear. Can't
they just give her laryngitis for just one episode? Please?

I
think by this time Reggie is getting annoyed by Veronica's whining, and he
decides to put his plan into motion by giving Moose a copy of some changes that
"Miss Grundy" ordered him to make regarding the props. I have a feeling that rope 1 will go where
rope 2 is, and rope 5 will go where 1 is, and so on and so forth. But why would Reggie want the ropes to be
switched around? And why would he trust
a dingbat like Moose to do the job correctly in the first place? I think Reggie's slipping a little.

Flash
forward to the...I guess...afternoon of the play, and we open on stage with
Cinder-Betty dressed in rags scrubbing the floor, singing about how all she
does is scrub and rub and fetch and bring.
Thing is, there's no music in the background and Betty's voice is hardly
strong enough to carry over to the back of the audience. If this is Grundy's idea of a rock opera,
then she must not get out much.

Oh,
but here comes Veronica and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen a set of identical twins
playing the wicked stepmother and stepsisters of Cinder-Betty, and I must say
that Veronica looks especially ugly in this shot. I must say, she's never looked better.

Anyway,
the story of Cinderella dictates that there's a fancy ball being held by the
King, and Cinder-Betty wants to go but Cinder-Betty's stupid phony family won't
let her go because they're forcing her to do meaningless chores because they're
salty bitches.

Oh,
hello Amani! Nice to see you making an
appearance for your required 35 seconds this episode. She is dressed up like a mouse along with Eugene, because as we
all know the mice are Cinder-Betty's friends, and they want to see Cinder-Betty
cut loose once in a while. And while
Eugene and Amani are fixing up Cinder-Betty's dress, I'm wondering who is doing
the special effects for the play...surely it can't be Moose right? I mean, he was having trouble pulling down a
pumpkin carriage just minutes ago!

Oh,
and here comes Reggie, doing a dress switcheroo while Cinder-Betty is being
verbally abused by her Pinnochio-esque stepmother. If you're wondering why the dress switch was needed, and where that
other dress eventually ended up, you'll have to keep reading. But leave it to Reggie to throw a cog into
the system. It never fails.

And
when Betty is changing into her fancy dress, we soon discover the reason why
Reggie switched the dress...

...apparently,
Reggie snuck into the school's biology lab, released all of the mice and rats
that were in the room, and hid them all inside Betty's dress! I can only assume that the dress contained a
lot of hidden pockets inside because not even Betty is that stupid that she
wouldn't have noticed a dozen rodents scurrying around her nether regions! I mean, if Reggie really wanted to scare
Betty off the stage, wouldn't spiders or caterpillars been a better option? I mean, really!

Anyway,
once all the rats have fled into various spots in the school which would
eventually see the school closed a few weeks later, Betty comes back on stage
wearing her Souris de Fromage original, and Wicked Stepmother Veronica is so
enraged that she orders her biological golden children to strip Cinder-Betty
naked and force her out into the night.

Of
course, since this is a junior high school play and not a show in Amsterdam's
Red Light District, Betty is at least wearing a tube top and gym shorts
underneath.

Cut
to a scene in the park where Betty is sitting on a park bench singing about how
miserable she is that she can't go to the ball. Betty, don't try out for The Voice. And for that matter, why is Betty the only one singing? I'm pretty sure that in "Tommy",
everyone took a turn! Rock opera, this
ain't.

Oh,
but wait. Here comes Big Ethel as the
fairy godmother swinging down in an outfit that looks like it belongs in Judy
Jetson's closet. She is determined to
get Cinder-Betty to the ball, and with a wave of the magic wand, she recites
dated 80's slang to bring forth a curtain of sparkles and the magic pumpkin
carriage while Prince Archie brings Cinder-Betty's dress back from the
exterminators out of sight of the audience.

But
wait! Plot twist! While Ethel Godmother is explaining to
Cinder-Betty that she has a midnight curfew, a doppelganger Cinder-Betty drags
the real Cinder-Betty into the pumpkin carriage where a huge fight breaks out
and the audience can't decide whether to be shocked or chant JERRY! JERRY!
JERRY! Oh, and the fact that
doppelganger Cinder-Betty looks like Veronica is pure coincidence, I'm sure.

Well,
one person who isn't cheering or trying to get some Jerry beads is Miss Grundy,
who is just NOW starting to realize that something is up. Wait.
Where have you been all this time, Grundy? You're supposed to be the director, no?

We
soon arrive at the ball where everyone is dancing except for King Jughead and
his royal goon Reggie, and Reggie looks like the cat that swallowed the
canary. I'm just guessing that Reggie
gave Veronica the other Cinderella dress so that Veronica could find a way to
tie up Betty backstage so she could take on the role of Cinder-Ronnie. My goodness, this play is looking like an
episode of "The Young and the Restless"!

Ah,
but lucky for Betty, Veronica's rope tying skills absolutely suck, and
Cinder-Betty arrives on the scene where Archie humourously throws one of the
twins on her bottom to dance with Cinder-Betty.

Ah,
but since this is a rock opera, there's no fancy waltz. Instead there's really bad 1980s synthesizer
music that Archie and Betty are grooving along to. Take my advice guys. Do
not go on "So You Think You Can Dance".

And
it is here that Reggie and Cinder-Ronnie make another appearance, trying to put
on their own dance to phase Cinder-Betty and Archie out. Which causes Grundy to get even more
suspicious.

Just
like that, it's now midnight. Look,
that digital clock in the background says so!
Did they even have clocks in the original Cinderella? Oh well, who cares. Cinder-Betty is late for curfew and she has
to get home before she ends up naked and arrested for indecent exposure.

She
runs off the stage, making sure that she loses one of her glass slippers along
the way - which Reggie decides to take advantage of the fact that he is the
props master by throwing an extra shoe in the mix, leaving poor Archie
extremely confused.

Backstage,
Cinder-Ronnie is starting to lose patience with Reggie, and she is wondering
why Reggie hasn't killed off taken care of Cinder-Betty yet. Reggie tells her to relax and that he has
saved the best for last.

Cinder-Ronnie
leaves the area only for Miss Grundy to approach Reggie and angrily demands to
know where Veronica is. Reggie lies and
points her towards the dressing room, giving Reggie a few moments to get Archie
to stand backstage to hold a rope that is hanging backstage.

While
Archie is holding the rope, and Cinder-Betty is nowhere to be found, Moose is
instructed to pull up the digital clock background, which he does. The problem is that thanks to the changes
that Reggie had him make earlier in the show, the rope that Moose is pulling
happens to be the rope that Archie is holding onto!

Cinder-Betty
sees Archie being pulled into the air and leaps up to try and pull him down,
but she too is lifted off the ground, and soon afterwards, Prince Archie and
Cinder-Betty can't remember what show they're performing so they change their
names to Tarzan and Jane, and use the rope as a vine to try and salvage what's
left of the play.

Cinder-Ronnie,
meanwhile, has taken the stage, and Reggie comes in with a slipper completely
ad-libbing something about how the prince asked him to substitute for him in
the search for America's Next Top Model the woman whose foot fits the slipper.

Oh,
but with Betty and Archie gone who knows where, Miss Grundy isn't about to let
a couple of spoiled brats spoil her show, so she dresses up as the wicked
stepmother and plans to go out on stage to tell them off.

Before
she gets the chance to, Cinder-Betty drops down on stage and swipes the slipper
from Cinder-Ronnie. Miss Grundy storms
onto the stage as does Mr. Weatherbee for some reason. The play is going out of control! What else could go wrong?

Well,
apparently you have Archie swinging on a vine doing his best Carol Burnett yell
knocking Eugene unconscious and Moose breaking every single rope
backstage. Archie crashes through the
stage, takes out everyone on stage and...

...an
earthquake strikes Cinder-Betty's house, leveling the whole thing to
smithereens. Yes, let's go with
that. Because the real story behind
what happened is too unbelievable.

After
the aftershocks subside, Prince Archie crawls out of the rubble and is
completely disoriented...

...until
he sees his Cinder-Betty and places the glass slipper on her foot.

Cinder-Ronnie
and Reggie? Judging by the look on Miss
Grundy's face, I think that both of them can expect to have their heads cut off
spend the rest of the semester in detention.

Finally,
the play ends with Jughead saying that they lived happily ever after even
though thanks to his son, the bumbling Prince Archie, the happy couple is now
homeless. And then for some reason, the
audience cheers as Big Ethel mauls Jughead as a heart shaped background
encircles them.

So,
this was an action-packed episode, huh?
For what it's worth, as bizarre as the episode was, I kind of liked
it. It was good to see Betty and Archie
get the spotlight as a couple, and it was just as good to see Reggie and
Veronica get their just desserts. And
for what it was worth, it was good to see the whole cast utilized, even if
Amani and Mr. Weatherbee were just bit players.

I
sure hope someone revived Eugene though.

Coming up next week...Jughead gives up the one
thing he loves the most...and he doesn't take it very well at all.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Well,
if you did, you know who won the $500,000 at the end of the show. You saw who lost it all. You saw who was America's Favourite
Player...and you may have an opinion as to which players were anything but.

One
thing is for sure...this was one season that one could consider to be similar
to a liver and onions sandwich. Now,
when it comes to me, I can't stand liver and onions, so the best part for me
would be the bread that is on each end.
And really, that's how I felt about Big Brother 17. The beginning of the show was very
entertaining. The middle weeks were
disgusting, foul, and hard to digest, and the end was incredibly satisfying.

Was
this the best season of the show? Far
from it. But did it have a deserving
winner? You bet it did. Believe me, there were so many ways that the
show could have gone so terribly, terribly wrong. And yes, I will be pointing out why this is the case as I
continue with this review.

The
one thing that I am glad about regarding the ending of Big Brother 17 is the
fact that I never ever have to hear the words "blood on my hands"
ever again. It became the most annoying
catchphrase of the whole season, and I swear that if there were Big Brother 17
drinking games where they had to take a drink every time a houseguest said
"blood on my hands", then they would be dead of alcohol poisoning
before Labour Day!

Seriously. Enough with blood on anybody's hands. You can't win the game of Big Brother with
clean hands. End of story.

So
this year, seventeen houseguests played the game. That's the most houseguests to play the American version of the
game, and the second season that introduced a set of identical twins (though,
let's face it - they weren't TRULY identical).
How do I like them all? Well,
last season there were four houseguests who really made me want to throw my TV
out of a window. This year, there were
as many houseguests who annoyed me as there were houseguests whose names began
with "J".

(That
would be seven, by the way.)

So,
let's talk about all seventeen houseguests of Big Brother 17 using their comic
book covers from a challenge, and going in order from first evicted to winner!

Oh,
Jace. You were only in the house
for a grand total of fifteen days, and honestly, you pretty much annoyed me for
at least twelve of them. Honestly, I
think that personality wise, you were fine, and I'm sure that had you partnered
with anybody other than Austin, you would have survived the first
eviction. Your mistake was not really
aligning with anybody else because you were too busy playing air guitar with
Austin and arguing with other houseguests.
I wish I could say more about you, but you were so forgettable that when
Julia entered the house, they booted you from the memory wall!

Da'Vonne, you were another houseguest that had me wanting to
point my finger at you in stupidity.
You had it in you to be a dominating game player, and you even won an
advantage in a competition that allowed you to block three houseguests from
voting in the next eviction - an eviction that saw YOU on the block! Not only did you throw that advantage out
the window, but you used your time in the house to pick fights with the wrong
people, and sit on information that could have kept you in the game. You figured out the twin twist before a lot
of others did. Why in the hell did you
not use that to your advantage and evict Liz, so that Julia never made it in
the house? I think you are probably a
hoot outside of the house, but inside you were a wreck. Sorry.

That
brings us to Jeff. Jeff, you
and Jackie were part of the "Amazing Race" twist, where you were
brought into the house to compete against the other houseguests immediately
after you competed on the Race. And,
granted, you were thinking smart when you distanced yourself from Jackie in
order to play your own game while making her less of a target. Honestly, I'd have done the same thing. Unfortunately, that was really all you
did. In fact, I have a hard time
remembering what you did in the house to begin with...

Audrey, you have got to be one of the most complicated
houseguests that has ever played the game.
I should dislike you because of your poor sportsmanship. I mean, getting the house to purposely fight
is bad taste, and then when you're called out on it, you dress up like a
Snuggie with sunglasses and hide in the diary room purposely prolonging the
Veto ceremony...yeah...poor sport. But
you know, I can't hate you because you were the first transgender houseguest in
the game, and you did raise awareness for it.
For that, I thank you. At the
same time, I said that if you did something that warranted me calling you a
dumbass, I would make it clear.

So,
Audrey. You're a dumbass. But I still like you.

Jason, point blank, you were given a bum deal. Oh, Mylanta, I wasn't sure of what to think of you at
first because you were initially given a "Frankie Grande" edit. But unlike Frankie - who hid behind his
sister's fame - you took some risks and you made some good moves. You really tried to get far in the game, and
of all of the pre-jury players, you are one I would love to see get another
chance. After all, the Wackstreet Boys
have to do another tour one of these days.
Maybe get John and Liz back in as well!

Ugh...you
know, I think I may as well group Clay and Shelli together in this one because they were the showmance that made
everybody throw up in unison. And it's
not because of the ten year age difference either. It's because they used their showmance to pretend that they were
voted King and Queen of the Big Brother Court.
With their court jester Vanessa, and Austin and Liz/Julia being their
knights, the couple treated everyone else like the poverty ridden vagrants who
knew nothing and deserved nothing. It
took the actions of one man to break up this power couple once and for all, and
in this case, the King sacrificed himself for the Queen. Not that it mattered much, as Shelli went
the following week anyway. But at least
the Queen became the first royal juror.

Jackie, like Jeff, you didn't really do much at all in the
game. Unlike Jeff, you at least showed
some more personality than he did. And,
I really don't understand that because I watched your season of "The
Amazing Race", and you were so good together on that show. It was like the chemistry fizzled between
you and Jeff. I hope things are okay
between the two of you, but then again, I keep telling myself that you and Jeff
were a "blind date" couple.

Who
is Becky? Seriously, who the hell is
Becky? We literally had episodes where
she didn't appear at all, or if she did, she was on for all of 25 seconds. I guess this means that she didn't really do
much either. I mean, all we know about
her is that she worked in retail, she had an alliance with John, and she got
hit in the face with a train and lived to tell the tale. I'm not saying I disliked Becky...mainly
because we never really knew her!

Ah,
Meg. You were actually one of my
favourites this season. And part of the
reason why you were a favourite wasn't because of your strategy (let's face it,
you really didn't have one), but because you were always so incredibly happy,
upbeat, and positive! In a house filled
with negativity and boringness, you were a rare bright spot and a breath of
fresh air. And I think part of the
reason why you were such a great houseguest was largely in part due to the next
person on my list...

...James, let's just say this. You may
not have won the game, but you won the hearts of America by being voted
America's Favourite Player. It was well
earned, and you too are one of my favourite houseguests this season. You broke up a power couple, you made some
great friends, and you played the best practical jokes on all of the
houseguests. I still chuckle over the
garbage bag prank you pulled in the food storage room! I'd love to see you competing in an all-star
season alongside Jason, Meg, and one other person that I will reveal later on.

Julia, you technically didn't enter the house until Day
43...mainly because for the first five weeks of the show, you switched places
with your twin sister Liz. And
surprisingly enough, even though the houseguests figured it out by week two,
they never said anything and you waltzed into the game as if you had been there
since day one. Here's the thing,
Julia. I think given the course of the
game, you were the smarter twin, and I think the only reason why you were voted
out before your sister is because of one alliance/showmance that I deem the
worst alliance/showmance in the game of Big Brother.

Austin, I'm not going to mince words. I don't like you, and I don't like your
Judas persona. Truth be told, while you
may not be this way in real life, I found you creepy on the show. I mean, I'm sure your girlfriend back home
has a few choice words to say to you after seeing you basically cheat on her
with Liz and practically dumped her on live television. The only time I can say that I truly liked you was when Steve
pulled one over on you and evicted you and you were so shocked that you left
without shoes. Looked good on you. Though, you were part of an alliance that
controlled most of the game, so I was thrilled to see it fall apart.

On
the flip side, John (a.k.a. Johnny Mac)...you're totally awesome! I don't even care that you sound like Bobcat
Goldthwaite when you talk. You are a
dentist with a brain! You pointed out
that Liz and Julia were twins just by a porcelain crown! That is genius! You also formed an alliance with Steve, and you both made it to
the final four. You even survived getting
evicted once, and returned to the game where you stayed for an additional
twenty days! I think that you deserve
another chance to play, because nobody won a Veto quite like you!

Vanessa, let's be clear.
You didn't go on Big Brother for the money. You already have a millionaire's fortune four times over through
your poker playing. And, you
know...you're one of the reasons why I get the chills every time I hear the
words "blood on my hands".
Seriously, shut up with that phrase!
Sheesh!

But,
I will say this. Until the end, you
used your poker skills and bluffing to make it to the final three, and I have
to say, you played a stellar game until that point. Your only flaw was that your poker face lost its charm by the
end, and Steve saw right through you.
And, frankly my dear, you really annoyed me with all the crying. We get it, you were the one who wanted
Austin and Liz split up. When that
happened, why show emotion about it?
Sheesh, make up your mind!

Liz...unfortunately for me, the way I feel about you
has been negatively impacted by your hanging around Austin. I wish I could say that I respected your
game play, but I don't think you had any.
You purposely hid behind your twin sister and your showmance and let
them and Vanessa do all your moves. I
guess that's why you came in only second best.
I wish I could tell you I'm sorry, but frankly I can't. I think Austin crippled your game for you.

Finally,
to this year's winner...Steve! I
have to say that I was hoping that he would win. After all, he is just a few towns and a border crossing away from
where I live, so he's the closest houseguest to me yet! And, I think overall, I was blown away over
how much Steve grew in the Big Brother house.
When he entered the house, he was shy, geeky, kept to himself, talked to
himself, and was intimidated by many things.
He entered a boy, but left a man.
He became more confident. He played
the game. He made big moves by voting
out Austin and Vanessa. He became a
player that definitely belongs in the Big Brother Hall of Fame. And why not? Steve was a true blue Big Brother Superfan. He was never recruited. He just wanted to play the game. That's why I am ecstatic that he won the
whole thing. Congratulations, Steve. You earned it!