Hazel's story

09.08.20171292XX

"WhenI was seven years old, I started getting headaches, really bad headaches.Foroverayear I stopped going to primary school,and at the age of eight I was in my bedroom, slamming my head against the wall.Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t have the light on, couldn’t have any noise around me at all, my head just pounding.

The doctor tried every medication, even medication for adults, nothingworked.Aftertwo years he washed his hands of me. At aged nine, the doctor couldn’t help me, he didn’t know what was wrong.

And then an optician’s appointment came up. Just a routine check.I hadn’t been out the house for five months,I was hanging on for dear life.And the optician straight away called my mum out and said,‘There’s something behind her eye’. So that night I was rushed into Great Ormond St hospital in London and they said there was a tumor on my brain and if they didn’t operate immediately I would die.

I got out of hospital after a year and a half,andI was in a wheelchair for three and half years.

But then when I got out the wheelchairthe headaches came back the same as they were.So at twelve years old I didn’twannalive no more. Not if this was what life was about.

We lived on theeight floorin the high rise flats, soIpulled off the pigeon meshing around the balcony andwent to jump off.My mum walked through the living room door andshe said ‘Why are you doing it?’ I said - because I just want to die mum, and I can’t tellya. She said, ‘Tell the paper. Write itdown, then you can tear it up, you can burn it. At least you’re getting your emotions out.'

So I did,Iwrote it out.Andfor fourteen yearsnowI’ve been writing poetry. And I can honestly say that if thereis nobody in this world you can talk to, that bit of paper is alwaysgonnalisten.Cos no one should have to live with what’s in theirheadon theirownif their mouth doesn’t wanna work. Whetheryou’re writing, painting, drawing, even taking a photo, therapeutic arts saved my life.

I’ve been homeless three different times in my life. The most recenttimea previous partnerwanted things from me that I was not willing to do. Buthe kept trying to force and force and force things and I just said no, no more, and he went, 'Well then, just f-off, just get out my house'.

So I had one shoe on my footand he just kicked me out the door. And in that house was my son, and all my belongings.

I had nowhere to go, I didn’t knowanybody,and the only place I didknow was a church. I went straight there and within a day they put me in touch with the Lighthouse inRotherham, a house forhomelesswomengetting away from abusive partners,and they helped change my world.

Iwant to help and influencepeople through what I’ve done, what I’ve had to suffer with in my life, the journeys I’ve been on, and I’m sure loads of people out there have been on those journeys, and they just want a bit of confirmation that they’re not alone and things will get better."

Hazel, Sheffield

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