I Don’t Scratch His Back Because The Sex Is Great, I Scratch His Back To Let Bitches Know He’s Taken

I’m always on the look out for new and exciting ways exercise my psychotic tendencies. Recently, most, if not all, of my focus has been directed at the man I share a bed with every night. One of the best things about having one person to hump on the reg is that you get to show them off as a hard earned trophy. Like, hey here’s this person who knows how terrible my personality is and he still wants to hang out with me, suck it sad and lonely people.

The problem is, however, when you’re not officially dating someone, it’s not really cheating if they fuck another girl. And you don’t have the luxury of warding off potential random hookups by stating loudly and clearly that you’re the girlfriend. Because the uncertainty can drive us insane, we have to resort to finding creative ways to stake your claim on a guy who isn’t yours to stake claim on.

The most overused approach is staking claim via Instagram photo. What I dislike about this method is that it is so transparent, even guys know what we’re doing. The breed of people who can’t even figure out why it’s not ok to have another girl as best friend on Snapchat, have started to realize that an innocent pic isn’t at all innocent. They’re onto us, ladies. Which is why we gotta step up our game. Besides, homeboy wears a lot of camo and I’m not about to let him ruin my aesthetic like that.

Enter in: nails. Particularly, nails used to scratch the ever living shit out of your man’s back. And while this method might not be quite as permanent as a tagged photo, when used properly it will last a few days. Seeing as he’s not your boyfriend yet, you’re probably still interested in having sex with him regularly. This is great because as soon as those marks start fading, you’re ready to make some new ones.

This tactic is great because even if guys start to catch on to what we’re doing, their egos are too fragile to admit to themselves that we’re doing it for any other reason besides them providing us with earth shattering orgasms. If the same guy who accepts your moans after jackhammering away at your downstairs for a few minutes, than he’s going to wear those love stripes with pride.

You then have the peace of mind knowing that should he ever be shirtless in the presence of a female, such as during a pool party, she will know immediately that he’s recently treaded in your shallow waters. Lol, jk. Like you’d ever let him be around skimpy bikinis without supervision. Nevertheless, if that somehow ever happened, you know your mark is there.

Or just write your names in hickeys across his chest like I did with my freshman year boyfriend. Seriously, it got the point across pretty much immediately. Shockingly, however, we broke up soon after that..

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com
EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.