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Friday, February 6, 2009

Once I was at a friend's house and kept hearing moans, oohs, and aahs. I asked him what it was and he said he wasn't sure. A few hours later, I went to put a DVD in and realized.......there was already one in there, still playing, on continuous loop.......porn.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Do you think some people are truly asexual, or are they just sexually repressed?

So there's this woman who is on my Top 10 List of Strangest People I've Known This Decade. She is 40 and still lives with her parents. They treat her like she's a 4-year-old. They cook and clean for her, do her errands, etc.

She's been morbidly obese her entire life. Except for a few stints with Jenny Craig, when she claims she "looked really really good". I find that a tad bit unlikely. I'm sorry to say, but she is not blessed with visible assets. I tried to picture her after she lost weight, but I still am dubious.

I realize people's faces change dramatically, but do your eyeballs lose weight? Her eyeballs are larger than any human being's I've ever seen. By faaaar, too. It has crossed my mind that she is one of the grey aliens. One day I will hear the mother ship hovering and she will shape shift before my normal-sized eyes.

She has some other deformities and is extremely large boned. I'm not sure any amount of Sweating to the Oldies is going to change the unfortunate curse Mother Nature has cast upon her, but I'm rooting for her anyway.

She also has a really bad dandruff problem. Like if you are sitting near her and she turns her head, you'll get it on you. She has a habit of brushing it off her shoulders without giving you notice to get out of the way, too. It's really gross. Once she mentioned it, and I suggested an ointment. She later told me it worked but it was too much bother to use, so the snowfall continues. It's really, really gross. When we eat together, I protect my plate and try not to inhale deeply. Srsly.

She's a huge, vocal bigot. This seems like someone in a glass house throwing stones for a lot of reasons, especially since she doesn't know the ethnicity of her biological parents.

She's got a lot of obsessions and isn't willing to get help. She's a compulsive overeater. (Might I add, with atrocious table manners? She does an odd thing with her tongue, kind of pushing the food around her mouth with her lips slightly parted, so you can see Digestion in Action.)

She's a total hypochondriac. No, I mean a real one. She has been tested, diagnosed, and treated for more imaginary illnesses than I can count.

One time she got a tiny pimple and was out of work for 10 days. She went to a surgeon about the pimple, getting her appointment on an emergency basis because it was so "urgent". The night before, she just couldn't wait, so she put a hot washcloth on it. She claims it was so hot that it gave her 3rd degree burns--she never gets 1st degree anything. She is unable to explain why she didn't just take it off when it began to burn.

She convinced the surgeon to prescribe antibiotics, then had a rash and upset stomach as a result of the antibiotics, so she had to stay out of work for 2 weeks.

Another time, she had a speckle of blood in her stool. Once. She went to several specialists and finally found one who agreed to do a colonoscopy. She couldn't figure out why no one thought the procedure was necessary. I mean, a morbidly obese compulsive overeater having one fleck of blood in her stool one time in 40 years isn't of concern?

The doctor didn't see anything wrong inside her pipes, but took a random biopsy to be sure. You know, since they were in the neighborhood. Then she went around telling everyone and their brother, and the poor UPS man who just wanted her to sign for a package so he could get the Hell outta there, that she had Colon Cancer. When I explored this for further details, she admitted she didn't have anything wrong with her colon. I suggested she get professional help at that point, but she won't.

This woman will literally mention her body functions and imagined ailments about every 5 minutes or so. It is really frustrating to be around her. Even when in groups or making small talks with random strangers, she diverts the conversation back to her gas, Cancer, or illness du jour.

And she's a never-been-kissed 40-year-old. That's right, she's never dated. She says she wants to date and constantly has crushes on one sexy male actor or another. She truly believes if she just gets in the front row at the next screening, he will see her and fall madly in love with her, as long as she's wearing her girdle. As if the girdle has superpowers to overcome all of her behavioral, emotional, and beauty deficiencies........

Once she mentioned that she hadn't ever had a boyfriend and asked if I thought that was abnormal. When people ask these questions, do they really expect you to answer? I suppose not, so I answered. ;) "Yes, that is abnormal."

She is incredulous when someone IRL gets married, or if one of her movie star crushes get married. She compares herself to the bride, cannot identify any differences, and is confused. One time a popular, attractive young star married a healthy, successful, beautiful model. I had to listen to hours of discussion about why it is confusing that he didn't marry her instead.

She said she is asexual, although she has "done other things"......which, come to find out, amounted to holding hands with one of her platonic friends when he was drunk.

Do asexual people spend hours each day obsessing about what their favorite opposite-sex movie star is doing and how to hook up?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

In a college drawing course, the professor announced we'd be doing figure drawing the next week. She didn't mention there would be naked people milling around the art building. Students were whispering to each other after class, trying to figure out if there would be nudes.

Day 1 arrives. There is a fugly troll of a woman standing by the entrance unabashedly smoking in a dirty, threadbare, transparent white t-shirt which came barely to the bottom of her lady bits. And nothing else. Her cottage cheese butt cheeks were hanging out the back. Apparently it was too much of a bother to put on undergarments to go outdoors. Her business was dark and clearly distinguishable.

This is a conservative college! Now I happen to think the human body is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of, but for the love of FSM, put some gosh darn pants on when you leave the room!

Ms. Rumpelstilkskin was completely uninhibited while posing, making extra effort to spread her legs in the most unpleasant of poses. *shudders*

I mean, I do not know what educational purpose it serves to show me your apricot. Her choice of grooming was the circa 1970 bush and unshaven legs. These things didn't help to make her easier on the eye. But Hell, I'm a woman--I've got the same hardware, just a newer, sleeker model--so I deal with it.

Surviving that, Day 2 arrives. There is a naked creepy sort of man milling around in the classroom with the blinds and door wide open.

The other students had wisely decided to arrive early to get the easels furthest away from the model, so I'm stuck with the closest. He kind of looked albino and kept throwing long icy stares to the females, mostly me, since I was handiest. At one point I made a silent vow to myself to make a haste getaway if the flagpole decided to make an appearance.

I was pretty...um...nieve at the time and trying to not freak out too much.

I busily focus on my artwork to divert my nervous energy. The professor notices I've finished most of my drawing except for the nether region. She turns off the lights and points a spotlight directly at his twigs and berries, and gets him to spread his legs further, with his weird albino* curlies. All I can think about is the James Bond movie with the evil creepy albino.

He put himself in a yoga pose.....which added to the silliness of the moment. I tried to keep a straight face. The other students were about ready to faint dead away and mouthing sympathies to me.

I hesitate whilst pretending to be in deep artistic contemplation. This apparently did not fool the professor, who took my hand and showed me how to draw his crotch in great detail, narrating it as she goes. The narration was necessary, apparently, to ensure I noticed every wrinkle and contour of his manhood.

*Before the entire albino population lashes out at me: I have nothing against melanin-challenged people. I have many friends who are melanin-challenged. I think melanin-challenged people should be able to.......wait a minute! Wrong group! Ok, no srsly, no harm intended. The fact that his pubic hair and eyes were absent of color simply added to the overwhelming sensory experience of it all, and I had to mention it.

I'm a fairly normal woman who has led a somewhat abnormal life, leading me to have a variety of unusual experiences. I have many stories to tell!

My game plan here is to write about my experiences, past and present, in whatever order they pop into my head. They will not be told in sequential order, and there will be lots of confusing flashbacks....so don't try to figure out the time line...just relax and go with it. Kind of like watching Lost.

I've run into many quirky, outlandish, even vile characters. I plan to enthrall you with retellings of my exploits and adventures.

I can't tell you more about my personal life because I'm a superhero. I promised the Justice League I wouldn't let anyone know who I really am.