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BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS – Boston, Massachusetts – The NHL has told Brad Marchand to stop licking opponents or the Boston Bruins forward will face punishment. Senior vice president of hockey operations Colin Campbell spoke to Marchand and Bruins general manager Don Sweeney about Marchand’s actions. The league says Marchand has been put on notice that his actions are unacceptable and that similar behavior in the future will be dealt with through supplemental discipline. He could be fined or suspended by the NHL if he continues to lick players. Marchand’s agent stated that, “My client is not gay or has any attraction toward men whatsoever. It’s just that he has an uncontrollable urge to become a cannibal, and he was trying to determine which opposing players after getting chopped up, would be best served at lunch, dinner, or a late night snack.”