SHOUT me a beer. Good on ya, mate.

The TSA has decided against implementing body cavity searches, choosing a less invasive measure for secondary screening.

From this weekend, airline passengers that are “pinged” when walking through scanning gates will have their necks licked by trained TSA staff.

If TSA’s trained lickers detect an overabundance of “sweat, fear-based hormones or plastic explosives”, the passenger will be asked to either lean over and have additional lick-testing done or submit to a full body cavity search “out back”.

New anti-terror measures

“We believe most passengers will prefer to be licked rather than probed, so the new screening criteria will ‘lead by the tongue’. But full body cavity probing could follow on behind,” says the TSA.

A new $900 million advertising campaign featuring Licky the Anti Terror Bee and Brett Favre will be launched at halftime of major Thanksgiving Day games.

The TSA acknowledges that the new “lick first, probe second” safety campaign was driven both by customer preference and economics.

“In focus groups, many passengers were against being spread-eagled and having a stranger probe one or more of their body cavities. And from an employment relations point of view, TSA staff wanted a lot more than $9 an hour to do body cavity searches on suspected al Qaeda terrorists, or even big people like Kirstie Alley and the late Orson Welles. Our staff much prefer to lick them,” the spokesman said.

Despite TSA assurances that neck-licking and body cavity searches will be accepted by most domestic and international passengers, travel agents are worried that the new regimes could negatively impact American tourism.

“Other than the French, who have no problem with licking or cavity searches, done by TSA staff or trained beagles, not every culture is so open. If travelers wanted to be licked or probed, they’d have gone to Paris.”

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