It’s been about a month since we had any Favre-related posts, which goes against pretty much every sports-blogging standard and blood-oath I’ve ever taken, but fear not- the Ol’ Gunslinger’s back in the news. This time he’s playing the role of a grizzled high school football coach in a Dukes of Hazzard meets American Pie teen sex romp. Favre’s the Offensive Coordinator for Oak Grove High School in Hattiesburg Mississippi and sure enough, he’s got the boys in the state finals. He just. Finds. A. Way. To. Win.

This Friday night, the Oak Grove Fightin’ Progresses are playing in their first ever state championship game against Some Other High School From Mississippi That Doesn’t Have Brett Favre As An Offensive Coordinator. The game should be noteworthy if for no other reason than just to watch the EMTs react in amazement to the instagrammable level of shrinkage that’s sure to occur after the gatorade bath.

Favre’s enjoying his time with the kids, and he’s obviously done a great job teaching them. His only regret? “It’s cutting into my time in the woods” he lamented. But besides that, he seems to be having a great time coaching the young ‘uns up. To Deanna’s amazement, the other coaches claim that he “fits in well,” saying, “He doesn’t want special treatment and he doesn’t get any. He’s held to the same standard as everyone else.”

Coach Favre: Ok, who’s the dang quarterback round here?
Jimmy: I am, sir. Jimmy Tyler.
Favre: Take a walk with me, son.
(They walk alone to the other side of the practice field)
Favre: Okay, kid, now…who’s your backup?
Jimmy: Uh, that guy there…Darius.
Favre: (Squints) Darius? Shit. He’s a scrambler, ain’t he? Bit younger than you?
Jimmy: He runs pretty fast, but his mom won’t let him play running back so…
Favre: Save the ramble for Schefter, J.T. This is what I’m talking about. Goddamn game’s going to the goddamn dogs. Well not on Coach Brett’s watch. J.T., take a long look at ol’ Darius there.
Jimmy: Ok.
Favre: Darius wants your job. You have the job he wants, and he wants it so bad he can taste it like fuckin’ sweet tea. You like being quarterback, Jimbo?
Jimmy: Well, yeah, it’s fun.
Favre: Bet your goddamn Wranglers it’s fun. It’s funner than hell. But it ain’t fun when some new colt bursts in your stable ready to send you to the glue factory, even though you still got a few years of thunder left in the cannon.
Jimmy: I don’t get it.
Favre: You better get it J.T., and you better get it right now. You watch your back, because I got a news flash, son. That gloree-boy sumbitch is just waiting for you to stumble. You don’t give him a fuckin’ scrap. You don’t help him out. You don’t talk to him. You don’t talk ABOUT him. Someone brings him up, you just nod and talk about the entire team. Don’t make the same mistake I made, and we all know what that mistake was, right son?
Jimmy: No. Hey, do you know Russell Wilson?
Favre: Hhhhhhh. Run some fuckin’ laps.