Hey, You! Stop Putting Yourself Down

My hips look big. I shouldn’t have eaten that slice of pie. I wish I had her hair.

There’s a good chance you've uttered these words at some point in your life, out loud or in your head. And while it’s common—we women can be unkind to ourselves, it's true—that doesn't mean it's okay.

Jen Brastad, founder of Our Beautiful Project, couldn’t agree more. “Women seem to make a sport out of trashing themselves,” she says. “And I was right in there with the pros.”

Then, the simple act of decorating her bathroom wall changed everything. “I used to post notes on my bathroom mirror with affirmations to help me focus on something—like starting a new project or to live in the moment,” she says. “About a year ago, I was standing in front of my mirror and wondering what I should put on the blank wall behind me. Then, it occurred to me that I could put an affirmation there: A single word that I could look at every day and reflect on; a word that could help me focus on my journey to love myself.” The word she chose? Beautiful.

“Since I’d be seeing the word in the mirror, it would need to be printed backwards, which is even more intriguing,” she says. “It’s mysterious when you look at it directly, but it becomes clear when you look at it in the mirror,” she says. Much like your own beauty, it can take some reflection to really appreciate it. (Inspired? Instagram a photo of your own affirmations using the hashtag #ThisMakesMeBeautiful, tag @PreventionBeaut, and we’ll publish it here.)

Here, Brastad explains how you can come to terms with your flaws, embrace the skin you’re in, and stop being so darn hard on yourself.

Why do you think women put themselves down so frequently?

I always hear people saying to little girls "what a cute dress you have on!" or "You look like a princess!" Little girls learn from adults that physical beauty is what makes them valuable, rather than their thoughts or ideas. Plus, our definition of beauty is so narrow that it’s unrealistic for anyone to acheive—even Cindy Crawford once said that not even she wakes up looking like Cindy Crawford. Our emphasis on beauty, coupled with our impossible standards takes a toll on our self-confidence.

Is there one area that you think women are most hard on themselves?

Age seems to be a challenge. I was showing my grandmother a photo of her at my wedding and I thought it was a stunning picture, but she was disgusted by her wrinkles. Even at 88-years-old you can be trapped by society's ideal that youth equals beauty. Instead of focusing on your flaws, take a moment to truly look at yourself in the mirror. Smile, hold your head up, and quiet down your inner critic. Think of small things you love about yourself. Recall any small act of kindness to a stranger. Or a laugh shared with a friend. Think of anything at all that makes you feel good—and do this everyday as many times as you can.

How have the affirmations positively affected your life?

I’m aware of my flaws, but I don’t dwell on them. And as a result, I’m more forgiving of others. When I go out in public, I don't judge people, I wonder about them. How did they arrive at where they are now? What makes them who they are? Not to mention, it also motivates me to eat healthy and exercise. Taking care of my body has been a natural extension of self-love for me.

What kind of toll do you think it takes on us, putting ourselves down all the time?

You begin to accept unhealthy aspects of your life—whether they’re at home or the office. You start to think that you don’t deserve better. But if you know you’re a beautiful, amazing person, then being treated as anything less becomes intolerable, if not laughable.

Women who are hard on themselves sometimes put others down, too. You might see a young woman dressed up, while you’re wearing jeans and a T-shirt—so you mentally insult her to feel better about yourself. Sure, this might feel good temporarily, but it perpetuates an unhealthy cycle. If other women become the competition then we break down the very thing that makes women so amazing: our ability to intimately connect, which is a truly powerful force. So instead, wouldn't it be wonderful to tell that woman in the bathroom that she looks amazing?

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