Tomorrow’s St. Patrick’s Day, and I have just the thing to get you in the proper festive mood. No, not a fake ID and a coupon for the liquor store — a rundown of the 10 uh, “best” scenes from Leprechaun 4: In Space!

Let’s get a head start on defiling this sacred holiday!

Yes Sir, Sergeant Disco Ball Head Sir!

Why does every s–tty movie think they have to rip-off R. Lee Emrey’s big scene from Full Metal Jacket? Nothing’s going to live up to the original scene, so stop trying. It especially isn’t going to work when your drill sergeant is some droopy-faced guy with a metal mixing bowl over half of his head who gets winded and starts slurring his words if he has to yell for longer than three seconds.

Anyways, yeah — a troop of intergalactic space marines is being sent to kill a leprechaun. Off to a good start.

The Exploding Champagne Represents His Weiner You See…

Okay, so this is how the Leprechaun is introduced. He has a princess chained up in a cave made of gold on some distant planet. How’d the Leprechaun end up in space? What’s all this fantasy princesses and magic caves s–t doing in my terrible sci-fi movie? No explanation.

Thankfully before things can get too rapey, the Leprechaun makes a fancy dinner appear and starts with the pretty talk. You see, he wants to marry Princess Zarina so he can become king of the planet Dominia. Of course! She’s not so hot on the idea, but is convinced when the Leprechaun says he’ll give her his gold, because even though her dad commands an entire planet he somehow has no money.

So, a Leprechaun with untold magical powers and a cave made of gold wants to become king of some 3rd world debtor planet. I guess I’m just not familiar enough with the intricacies of intergalactic politics to understand.

Space Disco!

I love how there’s multiple tables and a full bar set-up in the place. Do they host wedding socials in this place? Is Wednesday 25-cent wings night? I’m also pretty into the guy’s “rock back and forth while choo-choo train-ing my arms” dancing style. I’m with ya buddy, I’m with ya.

“Shake hands with the big guy…”

Sigh…so I suppose I have to set this up a little. The space marines blew up the Leprechaun back at the magical golden cave, and Douchebag Jones here decided, what the hell, let’s piss on the scattered limbs. Unfortunately as so often happens in these sorts of situations, the Leprechaun’s spirit ended up possessing his wiener.

Really, once you have the proper context, a Leprechaun emerging from a guy’s dick hole makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

What doesn’t make sense — naming your cock “Mr. Snake”. Having Warwick Davis explode out of his penis was too good for this guy.

Are Your a F–king Doctor or Not?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the worst “flirty” scene ever committed to film.

I think the idea here is that the girl is supposed to be smart, and the guy is supposed to be dumb, but whoever wrote this movie clearly has no idea what smart looks, sounds or feels like, so they both come off as equally dumb.

The Time for Farting is Over!

Yeah! Fart you science!

Sergeant Disco Ball Head — Worst Negotiator Ever

Sergeant Disco Ball continues to be absolutely terrible at the whole gruff badass thing. He and his buddies have all the weapons — Professor Mittenhand (the half robot guy) has no leverage. So what does Disco Ball demand? FIVE PERCENT OF THE MINING RIGHTS TO THE LEPRECHAUN’S CAVE.

Within five seconds he’s been argued down to three percent, and immediately accepts. I’d love to play Monopoly with this guy — one disapproving stare and he’d be trading you Park Place and Boardwalk for a “Get out of jail free” card.

Finally, Tits! (NSFW)

Is this the most ludicrous rational for a girl showing her cans in horror movie history? Probably not, but still — it’s pretty goddamn dumb.

Also, there’s only one topless scene in this whole damn movie and they give us A-cups? For shame makers of Leprechaun 4, for shame.

Thanks for Ruining the Space Disco For Me

Alright, we’re back in the space disco! Sadly the makers of Leprechaun 4 aren’t going to let us enjoy it. Nope, they’re going to subject us to the greatest horror of them all — lame cross-dressing comedy! You see the Leprechaun is controlling Sergeant Disco Ball’s mind, forcing him to parade around in a tacky gold sequined number, because that’s hilarious. Hmmm, I wonder why the Leprechaun doesn’t just mind-control everyone all the time — a rare plot hole in this otherwise airtight movie.

I like how the space marines have all been affectless blocks of wood up until now, but as soon as they encounter a dude in a dress, they’re all scared s–tless.

“Forget the killer imp chasing us! Dude looks like a lady!”

Oh, casual 90s transphobia…

Don’t Wear Your Break-Away Pants to a Mutant Scorpion-Man Fight

Bam! Those pants just really flew right off didn’t they? At least they found a girl with nice legs for the “girl in high-cut 90s panties fights scorpion-monster” scene. Almost makes up for the earlier topless scene debacle.

Oh, and also the Leprechaun has somehow become giant. Get it?

…and that’s basically the movie. The giant Leprechaun is sucked into space, explodes and this is one of the last images the movie leaves us with.