Are you aware of the genesis of Elton John's feud with Madonna? Instinct suggests it is humanity's oldest enmity, easily predating the endless strife between Sunnis and Shias, and sure to outlast all hatreds in one dimension or another. It certainly burns with an intensity rarely seen outside of the confines of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Conventional history books suggest the first salvo was fired in 2004, when Elton used an appearance at the Q Awards to accuse Madge of miming. "Madonna – best fucking live act?" he jeered while accepting his own gong. "Fuck off! Since when has lip-synching been live? Sorry about that, but I think that everyone who lip-synchs on stage in public when you pay, like, £75 a seat should be shot."

"Madonna does not lip-synch," responded Ms Ciccone's publicist, "nor does she spend her time trashing other artists."

So maybe that was the metaphorical assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, though some historians peg it far earlier. Either way, there was another flare-up at last Sunday's Golden Globes. To recap: Elton and his partner David Furnish were on the red carpet when a reporter asked for their assessment of the Best Original Song category, in which Elton was nominated for his musical contribution to the Furnish-and-John-produced Gnomeo and Juliet, and Madonna for a song inher self-written and directed movie W.E.

Of course, the hacks knew Madonna herself would later be coming along the press line, or the Conveyor Belt of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, to give it its industry name. And lo, soon enough she found herself before the same reporter, who sweetly passed on Elton's thoughts on her chances, causing milady to respond: "Was he wearing a dress?"

"Was he wearing a dress?" Dear dear. Were that knee-jerk riposte to have fallen from the lips of anyone else, it would be difficult to characterise it as anything other than a rather artless instance of low-level homophobia. But because it's Madonna, I think we have to act like she really gives a toss about gay rights and whatnot. Even if it is precisely the sort of putdown Richard Littlejohn would fart out in response to minor criticism from One of Those.

Anyway, Madonna went on to say "may the best man win" – and, as luck would have it, it turned out that she would take the prize. Her speech was enlivened by two things: her comedy English accent, which apparently still endures, and the cutaway shot to Elton looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

And if only that had been the end of it. But dear old Furnish declined to let it lie. Following the ceremony, David, 49, took to his Facebook page to deliver his most sagacious verdict on the news. "Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!!" ran this critique. "Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism. And her criticism of [Lady] Gaga shows how desperate she really is."

For good measure, he opted to open his mind further to the New York Post, demanding of its reporter: "Can you sing Madonna's song? Can you hum it? It's a song nobody has heard from a film few have seen. The award should have gone to Mary J Blige or Elton."

By now, you might be on the point of discerning the Furnish-Johns' vague displeasure with the result. But alas, we were not – in the parlance of the times – done.

"I think it was a fluke," Furnish continued. "When this happens you have to question the integrity of the awards. Did Madonna get the Golden Globe because she attended the awards and agreed to be a presenter?"

Furnish, Furnish, Furnish ... it's an awards ceremony. Of course it has nothing much to do with merit. That's why Mr Kevin Costner added a best director Oscar to his trophy cabinet way before Martin Scorsese ever did, and it is why movies such as Crash and The Hurt Locker can win Best Picture. The Academy and their ilk imagine it is more befitting of them to feel stagily guilty about racism and war and stuff than to try to encourage films to have things such as "stories" and "characters that aren't already beaten before the movie starts". Who knows precisely why Madonna won, but all award ceremonies are basically cobblers, and we can only lament that it has taken adorable ingenue David Furnish this long to realise it. He might now have to consider the horrifying possibility that Elton only got the Q award that year because he agreed to turn up and to be a presenter.

Still, we live in a world of anodyne showbiz utterances, so long may Elton continue to speak his mind (even though he did once try to sue me for speaking mine). He may be bit of a self-regarding old prat from time to time, but he's our self-regarding old prat.

Alas, having beheld Madonna's recent TV interviews, Lost in Showbiz cannot help but feel that, for madam, the prognosis is less positive. To watch an interview with Madonna these days is to watch someone bristling at the slightest of perceived indignities visited on her personage, yet still failing to appear too clever for it all. For all her fabled self-control, she seems to find it impossible to hide the fact that she is put out by even the mildest teasing, and as a result increasingly resembles a purse-lipped Lady Muck without the instinctive panache to rise above it. Her once-radioactive self-confidence has been replaced by pettishness. This inability to take a joke, or rather to appear to be able to take one, has reduced her as both a person and a concept. And for an entertainer who once straddled all manner of things like a colossus, this continues to be a genuinely sorry loss.