Friday, April 03, 2015

Oh...that's right....

...I nearly forgot what this was like. The universe has an uncanny way of reminding me.

While I was recovering from surgery, and right after I'd been told I was legally blind until I recovered, I received a message on Tumblr in the middle of the night. It was from a username I didn't know, and it went something like this (Tumblr deletes the original message, so I don't have the exact words):

"Sorry to bother you, but I was checking to see if everything was all right with, for, and about you. I understand if you don't want to respond and will disappear again."

I checked the user's page to see who this was.

Jacob.

I set aside my phone and magnifying glass (which was how I was reading the phone at the time) and laid in the dark, pondering my answer. Did he really want to know all of this? He asked "with, for, and about" me. That's a lot of question in a few little words. And why was he asking? Did he actually care?

By morning, I'd gotten over the initial reaction in my gut of he never really cares without motivation. I thought, he's asking out of the blue so maybe he's turned a corner. I have to admit that a part of me wanted to believe he cared, and that admission makes me feel pathetic, to be honest.

I told him my news. Eye surgery, temporary blindness, Dad's cancer, new relationship, kids, work. I abbreviated the vast majority of it. If he really cared, he'd ask for the details, I figured.

His reply went something like:

"Yeah, heard about your dad and was concerned. Sorry about the rest. Hope you mend well. Was just checking."

That's pretty much it.

And there it was - my reminder. He almost cares, Blogget. He comes so close, but then he just doesn't dig that deep. Why did he even ask?

Perhaps I'd said too much? But what I'd said was just the reality of the hand I'd been dealt, at that moment. I was enduring a lot, and doing it mostly alone.

That day, I noticed the post at the top of his page said something about "Sometimes you sign up for the drama...." It struck me as a dig at me and all I had going on. It felt very below the belt. A suckerpunch.

It smarted. "Drama" is not what happens to you; drama is self-created. It is the wall of unnecessary bullshit you throw up for others and yourself to climb. THAT is the part you "sign up" for, not the things the universe puts in your path. That's just life.

Being accused of "drama" hurt. I shouldn't have let it, but I did. And I noted a bit of pot-calling-the-kettle-black in that accusation. Jacob is the very definition of drama queen.

The only way to not experience drama with Jacob is to completely give yourself over to him. You mold yourself into what he wants you to be. You mirror his likes and dislikes, and you do not have any divergent interests of your own that you expect to share. He will not indulge them for you. You will have no drama as long as he is the one being indulged.

I can hear you now, dear Diary, asking, "But isn't he a submissive, Blogget?" He is, but in only one aspect of his life. The rest of the time, he is quite dominant, and you must submit or suffer his moods until you do. Moodiness is his particular method of manipulating a situation that is not going his way.

And it is all your fault, of course, and you come to believe you deserve it. I've come a long way towards realizing that it wasn't, and I don't.

So, yes, I got the reminder - and the message - in his dismissive response. Once, I almost had a friend.

I still wonder what motivated him to ask. What did he want? He said he was concerned, but then he didn't follow through. It puzzles me. Was he trying to be a friend, then decided not to be? Maybe he doesn't really know how to be. Maybe things just don't mean that much to him.

I'm sure I'll never know, but those questions bother me. He's not the kind to answer them or try to prove me wrong, so I deal with it on my own, still.