Among the topics, which all interviewees were happy to speak on: Zayn Malik's new "InZayn in the Membrane" tattoo, Harry Styles' unrepentant uncleanliness and Niall's new glasses made from ivory harvested off baby elephants.

Our favorite's probably the vicious—and, again, totally made-up—news about how Liam loves to adopt puppies, only to give them away after a single week. "I don't think it's right," says a tentative fan, "but, I mean, at the same time, if he doesn't want the puppy, at least he gives it away to somebody who does."

The whole thing's gold. You can also watch all five of One Direction's Jimmy Kimmel Live! performances right here.