5 Steps to Adjusting Your Expectations

Jane, age 23, engaged to be married: âMy boyfriend openly flirts with other women in front of me.â

Jim, age 40, an IT professional: âa work group back East didnât finish their project on time, which made our progress look bad â I blew up!â

Joe, age 46, successful business owner and young grandfather: âI get so mad at everyone that my daughter wonât let me see my grandchild. Now, Iâm angry at my daughter, too.â

Mary, age 38: âI am constantly yelling at my two teenagers because they wonât do what I tell them to.â

Nancy, married 28 year old successful writer who goes into period rages toward her equally successful husband: âI canât stand that he never picks up his clothes and he doesnât do things around the house that he says he will do.â

Alex, a 50 year old salesman in class because of road rage: â I canât stand it when people cut in front of me on the freewayâ¦ it makes me crazy.â

Different Anger, Common Cause

In all cases, the cause of the anger isnât what happened to these basically normal people; rather it is how they assessed or evaluated what happened.

Anger often results from comparing the behavior of others to your expectations. Sometimes itâs a reasonable thing to do that, but more often itâs not because we have unreasonably high, and sometimes just plain wrong, expectations of ourselves and those around us.

We can thus say that anger is caused by the discrepancy between what we expect and what we get. Indeed, the definition of expectation is âeager anticipation.â

Our Goal

Itâs important to figure out exactly what âreasonableâ means in terms of expectations of yourself and others. If your expectations are too low, youâll feel cheated in life â or worse â that you are âsettling.â

On the other hand, if your expectations are too high, then reality will suffer from comparisons to expectation â and you may experience disappointment and other anger reactions.

Adjusting Your Expectations

Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem âreasonableâ when you are worked up, later seem ridiculous and petty.

Step 2: Eliminate the word âshould.â None of us can control other people, try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons.

Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave badly toward us because of their limitations or problems, not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and may not be able to live up to our expectations, or they may have a different agenda than meeting your expectations.

Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around the issues, rather than engaging in constant conflict.

Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than convincing yourself that others are âwrong.â Tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this â they may be as convinced of their âtruthâ as you are of yours!

Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of the situation or the behavior of the other.

Rather than getting angry, we need to consider two more effective ways to deal with the situation:

After graduating from Purdue University in 1972, he has been active in both community mental health, the private practice of psychology, and teaching, coaching and writing for over 30 years. He has completed numerous certificate programs including Human Sexuality at UCLA, Personal Coaching at the Life Coaching Institute, and Anger Management at the Anderson and Anderson program. To add to his experience and training in conflict resolution, he has also received advanced training in Marital Therapy at the Gottman Institute in Seattle, Washington and he is a certified group leader in the Keeping Love Alive Program by Michele Weiner-Davis.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a California licensed psychologist (Lic Number PSY6670), trained marriage therapist, coach, anger management expert, and author. He has worked with hundreds of couples and individuals in his clinical practice and has taught nearly 1000 anger management classes in southern California since 2002. With a partner, he had co-authored several widely-used books on anger management based on a model of anger management which is now taught to hundreds of other professionals across the country.

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