Most Vegasy Vegasbag: Lancelot Boy Melvin

Master of Ceremonies Richard Greico: Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. In the category of Vegas-y Vegas Douche, the nominees are:

Prince Meatwad of Prince Meatwad Gives Orders, whose harem of hotts (making up in quantity what it lacks in quality) demonstrate, nay epitomize the pull of the monied thugs who keeps Vegas’ coffers full by day and night. With nipples as stiff as his upper lip (and about as large), stupid stomach tatt, ginormous designer shades, camo trunks and ubiquitous Bud Lite, his highness wants you to know he is large and in charge — of a flunky and four stippers from Larry’s Villa.

Captain Lubing of Captain Lubing and Tracy Gnaw, who wants everyone to know he was established in 1984. And that he shaves his groin. But then he asks: “Why Me?” Why you indeed captain? Why does the otherwise exquisite Tracey Gnaw see fit to shiver your timber? Can epistemological relativism give us the answers? Or must we seek a higher truth from the oracle that is the ubiquitous red cup. For perhaps, only rc can divine what causes such sweet-natured girls to acquire arm scurvy in their quest for acceptance…and cling to your hideousness like barnacles to to a dingy. For a dingy is all you will ever be Captain Lubing, sailing across the desert sands into douchebag oblivion.

Poppin’ Fresh of It’s Shark Week on HCwDB whose entreaties to “Stay Classy” whilst pool-siding it at a “C’-list hotel, with a “B”-list hott sporting ink that screams “truck stop mechanic” tells you all you need to know about Vegas day-club culture.

Yes, it seems Lancelot Boy Melvin’s body of work this year was just too strong to ignore. And by strong we mean the stench emanating from whatever day club let this pile of pint-sized, preening, paid-to-pose poo hang out at it’s pool.

Wherever Melvin found himself in 2011, and from the looks of things, you could find him all over Vegas, a certain smell wafted through the air like a Rev Chad fart after three helpings of turducken garnished with Aunt Yvonne’s fava bean and fig casserole.

Like moths to the proverbial flame (or is it mayflies to piles of manure?) poolside hotts cannot resist the bronzed, lacquered arrogance of this smirking fecal matter — constantly looking up at you from wherever his homunculun form has been deposited. He is the embodiment of all that makes Las Vegas the breeding ground for narcissistic, lowest-common-denominator behavior – the petri dish for putrid performance art, if you will – that takes place every May-September outdoors up and down the Strip.

Like the booze and tanning factories he frequents, Melvin’s very presence embodies the lowering of society’s IQ, and stands for the proposition that all shirtless show-offs are not created equal – some have to work extra hard to insure that anyone with a brain (or a soul) would like to clean him off the bottom of their shoe.

Honorable Mention goes to Creepy Vegas Hippie, who proved that no matter how old or wise you become, the pull of Vegas pudwackery can claim any victim — geriatric or otherwise. Creepy Vegas hippie created a paradox — a doucheadox if you will — giving hope while, at the same time, confirming our worst fears about the spreading plague of over-arching exhibitionism that infects society’s every strata. Yes, he is a walking embarrassment to his grandchildren, but on the other hand, if you can look this bad, at this age, and still pull some quality trim, there is hope for us all.

Greico: “That concludes our Vegas-y Vegas Awards for this year ladies and gentlemen. If any of you remember who I am, I’ll be signing autographs outside my cabana at Circus Circus…and if any of you hotties run with the Goose, I’ll be glad to oblige…as long as you pay me first.”

Well done ChoadTDS
pass the brain bleach!
Looks like Grieco has that other virus…holy sh%t!
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.viral nepos

12:28 pm December, 9Et Tu Douche? said...

Good work Choad The Douche Sprocket and may I offer my condolences to your eyes.
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Is there a category for Hott Moms this year? if not there should be cause Perfectly Hot PTA Mom Vanessa gives me chub but she doesn’t hold a candle to Young Mom Carol

Thorough wordsmithing and complete argument as only a lawyer and gourmande could accommplish in 1500 words or less. Bravo Choad.
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And Scotato has an epic in the Prince Meatwad post
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There is only one performer who can fuck things up while making a fortune and looking like a classic douchebag to grace Choad’s setup above. Fucking Canadians.
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Ladies and gentlemen. Live from the Bellagio Hotel, a Canadian douchebag extraordinaire, perhaps worse than Nickleback who are sure to show up next week. Tami the beautiful Italian girl that broke my heart only to be plagued with chronic roseacea in later years’ mother grew up beside this Lebanese midget.
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Performing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, this gay.
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsS811o21-k

As I realize as her elder that Nancy Dreuche does not acknowledge that some of us may have studied Latin, I must forgive her errant correction of my spelling of “faeces”. Start with “La Commedia” smart ass.
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Cover your ears gentlemen for on the SNL stage we have John Ritter’s son singing “Pumped Up Kicks” whatever the fuck that means.
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn2r48o0bs8

Nancy requested the last song. Let’s get back to the cool funky sounds of the 70’s with a little number from a band named after the city in which Her Royal Dominatrix M.O. lives.
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A song of hope. A song about acid trips and the misreading of a simple time piece.
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Live from Sydney, Australia.
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fXYuBc5KhE&feature=related

1:30 pm December, 9Wedgie said...

@Vin
Jennifer Aniston is waaaaayyyyy hotter. Don’t believe me? Just ask US Magazine. Their poll just picked her over both Marilyn Monroe & Racquel Welch.
Yeah, that’s a great pick. We should have those guys run the Douchies next year.

1:39 pm December, 9DoucheyWallnuts said...

I am mesmerized by the bleeth on the left who appears to have a bigger package than LBM. And I have never seen a dirtier, tattooed girl in my life than the bleeth on the right. And I am sporting Burmese Rosewood Wood…

1:45 pm December, 9Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Choad: If there was an award on this site for giving an award, I believe you’d have it with this one. Nice job.

Or perhaps this will cleanse Wedgie’s palate. Damn you Nancy Dreuche the equilibrium has been broken.
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A great Canadian singer and my neighbour Michael Clayton Thomas and BST without half of the 89 band members they have had.
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y168CNQyO7g

2:07 pm December, 9Capt. James T. Douche said...

It’s a good chance that later on he’ll be the one receiving a pair of Arabian goggles from the inked up tranny. He’ll need a wet nap and quart of mineral spirits to clean the smell of tranny taint off his upper lip.

2:16 pm December, 9Wedgie said...

Thanks Rev, I thought you were losing it. One question, though, regarding your boy Michael Thomas: How does a guy born in Surrey get known as a Canadian? Surrey…..Canada?
Jeez, my geography teacher was lying to me all those years. Now I’m questioning everything she ever told me.
Stuff like “It’s normal for 14 year old boys to pop their geography teachers”.
You know, like that. I always like Ms. LeTourneau. I think she was Canadian, too.

2:17 pm December, 9Stephanie said...

I don’t know if you need 1500 words to say that these people are fecal matter. They’re nothing but loud, stupid consumers who will never make mankind any better.

2:19 pm December, 9hermit said...

Choad,
It’s good to have one of our own deep within the evil Vegas underbelly .

We are humbled by your kind words….and so revolted these days by Vegas in general (and the bleethed out skank in the picture at the top of the page in particular), we’ve decided to drown our sorrows tonight with a nice Chianti and some fava beans — which should go nicely with her liver — once it gets detoxified.

4:22 pm December, 9CB Popped said...

Well deserved Melvin.
Thanks for keeping us abreast of Baggery in Vegas as our man on the street Choad.

Agreed Vin, that chick on the right looks FuCkeD up.

4:24 pm December, 9Nancy Dreuche said...

Thanks for honoring my jam request DJ Rev. Youre rockin the mike like a vandal and keepin it green like a Birkenstock sandal.
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Choad, you definitely get the award for best presentation of an award. The cameo by Greico really sealed the deal. And by sealed the deal I do not mean I masturbated. Because that picture of him made my lady parts unmoist. Ladies, if you have a problem being wet all the time keep a photo of the Greico handy. His visage is like natures sponge.

4:35 pm December, 9Douchble Helix said...

That link reminded me of how much I always enjoyed reading the articles in Playboy.

9:02 pm December, 9idfma said...

Funny stuff, Choad. I think PoppinFresh might be Drew Carey trying a sort of Joaquin Phoenix sojourn into the bizzare.

10:25 pm December, 9Anonymous said...

Inspired work Choad the Douche Sprocket! You honour all of us with your thoroughly researched and highly articulate break down. The infestation besmirching Vegas town grows like your learned friends time sheets during billing time. Long may you live and prosper!

It’s a true douchehonor to mention Choad and Grieco’s names in the same sentence….especially the wild and wooly run-on sentence by Choad I just enjoyed reading here. I think Grieco truly greased our Choad!

6:07 am December, 10Eponymous Douche said...

Sometimes when I am frightened I am also aroused. This time I am just frightened.

9:04 pm December, 10tall guy said...

Honestly, that bleeth on right… Sheesh!

10:37 pm December, 10Lorp said...

The “chick” on the left has a disturbingly large for “her” size bulge in “her” pants.