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5 Parts of an Effective Apology

Last Updated: 11/15/2017

You’re having a relaxed and casual conversation with a good friend when you say something unkind about a mutual friend. A few days later that mutual friend approaches you with hurt feelings and angrily asks you how you could have said such a thing.

Even though you didn’t mean any harm and may have even made the comment in jest, your friend is clearly upset over what you said. If you want to salvage this friendship, you must convince your friend that you’re sorry.

How good are you at apologizing? I ask because, as my fictitious example above demonstrates, it’s something we all have to do occasionally. As a result, your ability to sincerely deliver an effective apology is critical to the kinds of relationships you have and develop. It doesn’t matter who you are or how considerate you may be, you’ll eventually offend someone.

Basically, three reasons motivate people to apologize. One: because you’re forced to do it. You may remember this type of apology from your youth when, for example, you hit your little brother or neighborhood friend and your parents made you say, “I’m sorry.”

It isn’t sincerely felt or expressed by you and the one receiving this apology senses the emptiness and insincerity of it. This is more of a mindless act of obedience to authority than it is a sincere apology for your actions.

The second reason people apologize is to avoid punishment. Sometimes the offending party doesn’t honestly feel remorse but sees the apology as a potential strategy for minimizing or eliminating the repercussions and fallout from what they’ve said or done.

This is another example of an empty and insincere form of apology, because it is motivated by a desire to avoid taking the heat.

The last reason that people apologize is to ease their sense of personal guilt and show true remorse. This act of contrition often involves significant others in your life or those friends very close to you. This type of apology is often the most difficult, personal and emotional to deliver and it is the focus of my message today.

So, after you’ve said or done something that has caused a real problem and emotional storm, what’s the best way to apologize and what kinds of information should you include in your apology?

I found a helpful guide from perfectapology.com that does a great job of providing basic guidance and structure to this difficult and emotional situation. I’ve taken the liberty of condensing these ideas into 5 brief suggestions for delivering a proper apology:

1. Give a detailed account of the situationThe key here is to be extremely specific and avoid talking in any generalities. Let them know that you absolutely understand precisely what happened and why they are upset about it.

2. Acknowledgement of the hurt or damage doneValidate their feelings by letting them know that you truly understand why what you did hurt them so deeply. You may even let them know that, if the shoe were on the other foot, you would feel the exact same way.

3. Take responsibility for the situationDon’t be defensive or offer excuses for what happened. The goal here is to let them know that you clearly understand that it was your behavior that caused them this pain.

4. Include a statement of regretMake sure you sincerely say the words “I’m sorry” and “I apologize.” Few things will break through the cold defenses of the offended party quicker than the sound of hearing the honest and sincere delivery of those words.

5. Promise that it won't happen again and ask for forgivenessPromising that it will not happen again is a key component that allows you both to look forward. It also lets the other party know that you value them and want them in your future. And asking for forgiveness shows them that you accept the responsibility for your actions and gives them the power to take the next step in the healing process.

An effective and meaningful apology will build your character and, as a result, can often help to bring people even closer together by healing damaged feelings.

Wishing You Great Health,Dr. John H. Sklare

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