I was just getting seasick from seeing too much

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Once the lights go out I have a thing about monsters under the bed. Someone should lay me down on a couch one day and figure that one out for me.

Good news for those of you who’ve stuck with me the past few weeks. I just got approved for medicare! Time to figure out how to deactivate the GoFundMe. For those of you that reblogged my post out of the kindness of your hearts you are deeply appreciated and are absolutely wonderful people. Just in case you didn’t know!

I can’t wait to get back on Seroquel and Ritalin. My quality of life is going to improve so much once I do.

Looks like my dogsitting days are over. My cop client moved in with her boyfriend and Taz seems to have a new sitter. Those were my last two clients. It’s been a lot harder to pay the bills since that halted. The job search is all the more vital now, and after 34 job applications I feel like I’m running out of places I’d LIKE to work. Can’t we trade goods and services and forgive all credit card debt? I’d totally start breeding goats and knitting sweaters to get by.

I’ve been avoiding him for a year, but my good ol pal ANXIETY has got to be taken care of. There should be hit men for that. I’ve been overweight the past two years and had a gym membership the past year I haven’t touched. Anxiety is why. I honestly think after I get myself in the door that first time I’ll be just fine.

Aside from that…I’ve started an instagram “lelindelle” if you’d like to look me up (shoot me a comment so I know to add you back). I put up the past several years of my amateur photography that I’m really proud of, some snaps from the adventure so far, and hopefully a lot more NEW photography since I’ve got the bug again. Of course, I need to kick the anxiety to actually go places to take those pictures.

Dad and I went for a 2 hour walk today. I took some pictures of both him and the scenery. Day 4 of my diet and exercise program and I’ve lost 3lbs total this week. I’m still violently depressed after realizing just how fat I’ve gotten, but at the rate of losing about a pound a day or two, I may be able to melt the first stage of this juicing/vegetarian thing away. I’m scared when I eat meat again that it won’t hold well in me. It happened to a friend of my moms back in the day. I’ve left myself with spare calories the past couple days and it feels good to be a calorie counting walking full time student who works three days a week. I have a lot going for me now that I didn’t surely before, and though my anxiety is still pretty paralyzing I’m in better emotional shape than I have been in years. Now when I lose all this weight and get in good PHYSICAL shape I’m totally going to learn to dance hip-hop style.

I think a photo a day for so many days thing would be neat and keep me on my toes with taking pictures; a hobby I enjoy. I’ll use my phone camera for now because it’s pretty good. I’d do film but my rebel is broken…It turns on but that’s about all it’ll do. I wasted 2 very EXPENSIVE rolls of film while trying to load them. Instead of rolling out the film the proper way getting it ready to take a full roll of pictures, it instead shoved all the film back into the canister and a little of me died inside. Not even picking up a throw away camera could really ease the pain right now. That and they’re getting more expensive every year.

I got the idea for this photo challenge thing from a complete ditzball on facebook I have little respect for. I saw what she was doing it and to admit I hated all of her pictures. They were taken in the dark, or of random things like an alley (not even like one in her neighborhood, just a random alley) I guess that’s her version of “artsy” but not mine, I like making well composed photos with good lighting and contrast and sharpness. Not being able to focus on certain aspects of a picture with a cell phone (no matter how many megapixels are at my disposal) or a throw away camera is going to make me sad, but this could be fun. I don’t want to say that I’ll for sure stick with it, and being imperfectly human I’m almost “ashamed” to be doing a project that that ditzball is doing because of pride issues (I’m a Leo afterall) but that’s a stupid reason not to do something that I might enjoy. At least I can admit my faults in being perfectly imperfect though I don’t like being so (like every other perfectly imperfect human).

For now I’ll give it a shot, I’ll even perhaps throw in some candid snapshots and such. I usually try to avoid those when I present any work I do, just because it’s not so professional looking and I take great pride in my compositions, but this is supposed to just be a casual sort of dealy thing it seems, so why the heck not.

The big tendency to spend spend spend that I can’t kick when I’m hypomanic I at least give a bow to that I buy quality things. For a while it was food, which was more of a self destructive thing as it was nothing healthy nor did I feel good eating it. Then it was makeup (Urban Decay, Smashbox, MAC) just for me to then get obsessive and organize out everything I’ll use regularly versus what I’ll use occasionally versus why do I even have this…and then plug up my purse with only exactly what I ‘need’ for regular use (See the next paragraph for extra stupid makeup information). Then I went splurging on clothes that FIT my fatty body while I quest to lose weight. Now I’m stylin’ and thankfully even though I did go a little overboard and got more than I needed, I got some good deals doing it and I’ve been WEARING all the clothes rather than having them and then being like ‘oops I don’t ever feel like wearing this…ever.’ After clothes and makeup came the bag splurge and after that came a request to make ‘Light Blue’ type cologne for my friend’s friend. So then I ended up going overboard buying perfume making supplies, and I just hope I stick to the recipes, make everything and have enough bottles to put it all in, and then SELL it. I always spaz when it comes to selling online because I never know what price to put for shipping…and then I have no faith in MYSELF not even my WELL MADE products, that they’ll sell. I just have so many negative thoughts that’s why I don’t run a side business making soaps, shaving cremes, lotions, perfumes, etc.

FINDING EQUILIBRIUM:

My chemical imbalance has taken out it’s rage on how heavy my bag is. Questions that are kind of scary to consider have been haunting me (less and less the more equilibrium I get) are all in regards to what bare minimum can I carry around so my bag isn’t too heavy. What kind of bags inside of my big bag can I carry? How many is too many? Oops, let’s take out all the bags, okay let’s put the first bag back in but not a bag in that bag so it’s all free standing, oh lets not put in all of your hair accessories and jewelry, oops let’s get rid of something else in the bag that would be a few oz so you could have that headband in there…Is it too heavy? Is it too LIGHT? It honestly can’t be either or the little happy fighting thoughts won’t knock it off. The bag that I bought off of ModCloth that I was originally going to use as a tote I’m too scared to return because I’d have to go to the post office and all that, so I’m using that to hold the MANY books I tutor with. I’ll just keep that in the car and it’ll make it easier not to have so much weight on my original purse especially since I don’t carry those books around with me ALL week. After I came to that conclusion I was able to stop messing with all of it. Hopefully completely for a while, because I’m never done obsessing over my purse innards. It’s something that just boomerangs through my synapses.

PHOTOGRAPHY

It feels good to put up pictures but then I think negatively over what people think of them. I feel that I’m a great photographer, but I feel like there are so many great photographers out there that it’s hard to keep up. It IS a hobby and not a career but it IS something I’m tremendously passionate about, and that’s why I get so aggressive over it. Since I have no lab to develop my TRI-X b&w film at anymore, I’ve taken to another splurge. I at least made my purchase on ebay, a 4 lens lomography camera. It should be REALLY fun to play with, and I still get to be a film stickler and use my 35mm.

OHLIFE

http://ohlife.com/is my newest internet find. I plan on using this as my journal rather than my blog, so that I can keep all the little spazzy details to myself and try to crank out solid bipolar barbie posts to keep you in an infected mind without giving away too much personal junk you don’t need. Ahhh the neverending fighting for perfection.