The Range: The Tucson Weekly's Daily Dispatch

Gentlemen With "Performance Issues" Can Now Buy Their Boner Pills Through the Internet

Because if there's anything the Internet needs more of, it's ways to aid people in their quest to possess the Ultimate Penis.

According to Jezebel, Pfizer (the producer and pusher of Viagra) is having quite a hard [snicker] time as of late, as Viagra is the most counterfitted drug on the planet. See, Pfizer's patent on the pill to plump sagging gentleman's sausages runs through 2020, leaving legitimate producers of generic pills in the lurch, and giving black market makers of "Viagrower" or whatever the opportunity to bilk people into buying herbal remedies and dried bull semen — and everyone knows that the only legitimate use for bull semen is in energy drinks.

Semen tangent aside, Pfizer's onto something new and interesting here in their attempt to reach boner-pill users who are too embarrassed to actually jaunt down to the pharmacy to remedy their secret shame.

"It's a very interesting and novel approach," says Judson Clark, an Edward Jones analyst who projects that Viagra sales Viagra sales could continue to decline 5 percent each year for the next five years. "Whether it returns Viagra to growth is hard to say."

By making Viagra available online, Pfizer could be setting a new standard for the drug industry. "If it works, everybody will hop on the train," says Les Funtleyder, a health care strategist at private equity fund Poliwogg.