Saturday, 17 June 2017

The Final Chapter

Today is a special day for me. One year ago today I decided to quit alcohol for a year in order to change my relationship with alcohol. My drinking started in inglorious and ultimately messy fashion at my mother's 50th birthday party when I was 13. I'd never had a prolonged break from drinking in my life since then. I still remember the rollicking good times I've had drinking, but mostly now I can see how dysfunctional my drinking was at times and how it harmed me physically and emotionally.

It's funny how some things in life you never question. The way I started drinking - at a family event under the noses, and with the tacit approval, of equally tipsy adults - mirrors the experience of so many people I know. The idea that your kids are going to drink anyway so it might as well be under parental supervision is something that is intrinsic to our drinking culture. In the last year alcohol has been practically invisible in our house, rarely drunk by my wife (who has cut down significantly), and seldom even indulged in by our guests. My children may decide to drink, but now they have a non-drinking option modelled to them. I'm proud of that. I realise now that in the past I have been a facilitator of drinking for myself and for those around me, always offering our lunch or dinner guests alcohol - almost insisting they have one with me ("Go on, I'm having one!"). When my wife and I go out and socialise now, more than anything else, I notice how the majority of people in our lives don't actually drink to excess. I used to think everyone else drank like me (rushing to the bar to get a few under the belt in order to feel at ease), and that I was fitting in. It was my need to feel like everyone else, and conquer my natural shyness, that drove much of my drinking.

How do I feel this morning, as I write this? I feel deeply satisfied and a little emotional, that I've achieved what I set out to achieve. I've not only changed my relationship with alcohol, I no longer have any relationship with it. My wife has just told me she's proud of me. In the first few months I wrote a blog asking others if I'd ever feel comfortable in my sobriety or would I always feel that pull to pick up again. For those of you in the early days of your journey, battling with those same feelings, I can tell you that it gets easier. I no longer have any desire to drink again. Everyone's experience is different, but I wish the way I feel now for you also. It's a beautiful thing.

I've written at length about the benefits of sobriety but to recap briefly; I'm calmer, more connected to those in my life, less frustrated, more compassionate with myself and others, healthier and more confident socially.

Naively, I thought at the beginning that quitting alcohol would solve all my problems and I'd enjoy the fruits of a perfect life. But in reality quitting alcohol has made it impossible to avoid facing up to the stresses I'd always squashed down in the past (the bottle of red wine at the end of a stressful day at home with the kids, the rigger of cider to take the edge off). Knowing how great I have it makes me feel guilty and self indulgent to feel like I have any real problems, but the past year has been difficult. I've been dwelling on whether giving up alcohol has opened the door and ushered in the depression and anxiety I now battle. Despite my current struggles, I don't regret giving up alcohol one little bit. It was the best thing that I've ever done (apart from marrying my soul mate and having our children). I see this depression as a period of growth, from which I'll emerge stronger. Giving up drinking and now dealing with depression has put me on a path to living in the present and being more mindful. I've found it necessary to keep things simpler, not dwelling on regrets of the past or agonising about the difficult things ahead. This is a very good thing for me.

Every story has a beginning a middle and an end. My story and sober path continues, but this will be my last blog. Writing it has truly helped me, especially in the early days. It's connected me to like-minded people around the world and around New Zealand - some of whom I've actually met! Reading your comments has encouraged me, enlightened me and educated me. Signing up to Living Sober was the best thing and I encourage anyone who is thinking about their drinking to do it. I don't know how I would have stayed sober without the support of the Living Sober tribe. I may have done it, but it would have been far harder. I'm not sure how to thank you really. It's the most supportive, open, generous place. Mrs D has created something very special for us.

A year ago I felt lonely, apprehensive and a little afraid as I contemplated giving up drinking. But now I feel like I have many friends - true friends - all bound by a common path. There is strength in numbers and I take your inspiring strength forward with me.

You have done so well and echo the words of everyone else who has a decent length of sobriety. I can see now there is more than just stopping. You have to work at the emotional issues you have been squashing. Thank you for sharing your story and good luck for the future.

Matt - you are such an inspiration and I hope that there will be many many people out there to read of your achievements and take time to think of how these may be represented in their own lives!! A job well done xx