Friday, April 3, 2020

Your $1,200 coronavirus stimulus check is exactly how much it costs to build a guillotine

There’s an ethical way to spend your coronavirus stimulus check, but screw it. Spring has sprung! It's finally beautiful outside again, sunny and temperate, and seeing as how absolutely everything everywhere is closed on account of a global pandemic, you've probably already gotten caught up on all the yard work you could possibly do. Now what?

Might we suggest getting started on a new project? Specifically: Maybe you should build a guillotine!

A marvel of engineering that is nevertheless within the crafting capabilities of your average Joe, a guillotine is a device that has many purposes, like slicing baguette sandwiches in half.

But how could one afford the materials for such a fun home project in these days of belt tightening and pandemic? Money is tight, people are increasingly unemployed and our economy is rapidly grinding to a halt in the face of coronavirus and the lockdowns that have ensued to slow its spread. Where is the cash for this project going to come from?

Luckily our country's own wise and benevolent leaders have seen fit to cut the vast majority of us a check for $1,200 in an effort to stimulate the economy. And in a stroke of luck for the fan of the homemade guillotine, that just so happens to be the exact amount the internet says it would cost to build one.

Don't take our word for it; see for yourself:

click to enlarge

Image via Googe

The dollar amount comes from a 2012 Vice article headlined “What's the Best Way to Execute Evildoers?”, and it claims that the cost of a guillotine is exactly the amount our own caring government leaders have deemed us able to receive in this time of need.

"Building a guillotine costs around $1,200, lumber and hardware tools included," the article states. "Add a few bucks to that if you want to pimp it out with paint, a pad for the chopping bed, and a basket to catch the head."

Not that we'd actually be using it to catch any heads or anything!! This is just meant to be a fun project, not a tool for the people to use against a corrupt ruling class, as was the case in France. Our own federal governmental response to this current pandemic is obviously going great—we're currently no. 1 in the world as far as confirmed cases are concerned (being number 1 is good right? USA! USA!). What grievance could we even need redressed?

Meanwhile in the private sector, the world's richest man, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who averages about $230,000 in earnings per minute, was kind enough to launch a crowdfunding campaign asking the public to pitch in money to help his workers, who for whatever confusing reason are currently striking (how ungrateful).

No, this has nothing to do with any of that. This is just a fun project to keep us occupied at home while our caring overlords continue to do what's best for us.

Honest!

This story originally appeared in one of our sister papers, the Riverfront Times.