How Bad Is It that My Brother Touched Me and I Enjoyed It?

Asked by withinwalls on 2018-05-8 with 1 answer:

From the Netherlands: I am 27 and I feel very inappropriate about what happened between me and my brother when we were kids (I was about 13/14 years old and my brother 11/12). Basically he tricked me into ‘teaching’ him how to handle things with a girl, like kissing and touching. He told me as an older sister I should safe him from disasters with girls by letting him touch and kiss me so he wouldn’t look like a fool when he tried it.

I felt proud in some weird way that he came to me for this and let him do those things to me and even gave tips. Afterwards I felt really disgusted and told him he shouldn’t do it again, but on holidays (when we had to share the same room) I often woke up to him touching me and jerking off next to me. I told him to stop it but he said it was normal that siblings experience things like that together. Strangely enough, it did turn me on so sometimes I even pretended to be asleep while he was touching me. Later on I started to avoid him as much as possible and would make a scene when we had to sleep together (much to my parents’ annoyance).

Now I have developed a massive distance to my brother and people in general actually, I often think that all that guys want is sex. Now that I am 27 I feel like the secret with my brother is growing on me and that it might be the reason why I don’t trust anybody or don’t let anybody come close to me. I just want to know if I should move on from what happened because it is normal/insignificant or that I should speak to somebody about it?

Clearly, it was not insignificant. These events are still having a negative impact on your life. You don’t trust men and aren’t open to a loving relationship. You deserve better.

Let’s take a look at what happened: Initially you and your brother were just kids. Adults often look back on things they did when they were young and wonder what on earth they were thinking! It does make sense that you enjoyed the sexual exploration at first. The body responds even when the mind is immature. But very quickly you realized you had crossed a line so you told your brother it couldn’t happen again. This is not at all an unusual story.

What is unusual is that your brother kept it up and even took advantage of you while you were asleep. As I read your story, I had to ask myself what was going on that made it difficult for you to tell him to stop and mean it. Apparently, all you felt you could do was try your best to avoid the vulnerability of sleeping in the same room. I don’t have enough information to help you understand that. A therapist who can hear your whole story would be able to help you figure it out and forgive yourself for that.

Sadly, your early experience with sexuality paired enjoying being stimulated with shame. At 27, these feelings are still with you. I doubt that you can move on without some help. I strongly urge you to seek out a counselor to help you come to terms with your feelings and to help you break the silence with your brother. It would be terrible if you were to go through life deprived of the pleasures of a trusting relationship and intimacy with a loving partner because of something that happened when you were a teen.

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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). How Bad Is It that My Brother Touched Me and I Enjoyed It?. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 7, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/01/07/how-bad-is-it-that-my-brother-touched-me-and-i-enjoyed-it/

Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 7 Jan 2016) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.