Tonight marks the return of Celebrity Big Brother as the traditional January series kicks off on Channel 5 with a promising line-up. Well, a promising putative line-up, at any rate. We won't know for sure who's entering the CBB house until this evening's launch but rumour and gossip abound – allowing for plenty of speculation about who could be moving into the bungalow of dreams.

The most well-known (ie American) name touted so far is Michael Madsen, of Reservoir Dogs and Kill Bill fame. A genuine celebrity who also describes himself as a poet and writer. He would certainly guarantee some glacial cool. Other members of the acting fraternity rumoured to be on their way to Elstree – although perhaps not in quite the same league – include Natalie Cassidy who used to play Sonia in EastEnders and more recently got into a Twitter spat with Denise Van Outen about which of them was the better mother. Former Corrie star and current Loose Woman Denise Welch is also thought to be readying herself for 24-hour surveillance in front of the nation. Perhaps producers are hoping for some raucous behaviour and gusset-flashing tumbles when the Lambrini's wheeled in, which rather seems to be her public image these days.

And there will, of course, be a substantial (or insubstantial, depending on your view) contingent of refugees from other reality shows. Kirk Norcross is set to follow Amy Childs in defecting from ITV2's The Only Way is Essex to the Channel 5 reality show. And Frankie Cocozza, the former X Factor contestant who left the show in a flurry of controversy over drug-taking is also being touted as a possible contestant. Personally, I'm not sure a teenager with a self-confessed weaknesses for drink and casual sex is in the best position to decide his own suitability for this kind of exposure, but once you've had that taste of showbiz, it must be hard to go back to the real world. I'm A Celebrity's Nicola McClean (she wasn't but she kind of is now she's been on the show) is also being discussed in the same breath as Natasha Giggs – formerly married to Ryan Giggs' brother Rhodri. Mistresses also count as celebrities. That's just the way it is.

Although none of the above can be said to possess much talent, they do inhabit a strangely fascinating existence, like gladiators staggering from one trial to the next, trying to win their freedom. They'll fight each other (see Giggs and McLean already this week), sing and even eat bugs to get our approval because it buys them an easy ride through life. Why get your hands dirty with a real job when the public will fund a more than comfortable lifestyle in exchange for your occasional humiliation?

Andrew Stone from Pineapple Dance Studio and Romeo from So Solid Crew have also popped up in various reports but several suggest, rather unflatteringly, that thelatter was only approached after two other more famous rappers pulled out in quick succession.

Obviously, this doesn't quite represent my dream line-up which would have to include Liz Jones, Sue Pollard, Arthur Bostram (the policeman from 'Allo 'Allo) and at least one Chuckle Brother. But alas, it's not to be. Maybe next year?

A truly interesting Big Brother contestant needs a bit of back-story, not like these fly-by-night reality stars whose every experience has already been filmed and edited for ITV2. Michael Barrymore was fascinating for the extremes of his career, from the most famous man on television to fallen star surrounded by scandal. Les Dennis was in the midst of the breakdown of his marriage to Amanda Holden when he took part in series two and, vultures that we are, we tuned in to see him talking to chickens and slowly losing the plot. Vanessa Feltz famously poured out her anguish on a dining table with a piece of chalk.

But it's not just the disassembling of celebrity we're tuning in for. We're putting them under the microscope. Who could look away when George Galloway and Pete Burns performed that mime routine in coordinating lycra onesies? Or Alex Reid apparently found religion in a bid to ingratiate himself with Hollywood star Stephen Baldwin. I'm addicted but even I found last year's total lack of actual celebrities a bit of a turn-off. This year, I think, shows real promise.

And there are bound to be a couple of surprises if former series are anything to go by. Who are you hoping to see enter the house?