A former manager at the yeast extract makers Marmite, owned by the chemicals to food conglomerate Unilever, has turned whistleblower about how the spread is made.

The 49 year old has told this reporter that while the public believes the spread is a ostensibly a by-product of the brewing industry, the truth is very different.

"What you've got to understand is that there's a huge demand for this stuff. And while brewers do supply a proportion of the substance found in each jar, over the years that has shrunk to a miniscule 2% these days. The rest doesn't come from brewing, isn't vegetarian and quite frankly, shouldn't be eaten."

Documents produced by the whistleblower, a former manager at a production plant, show that instead of being the natural product claimed on the jar, Marmite is in fact almost entirely made up of industrial waste.

"Unilever has a massive chemical waste reprocessing arm, essentially taking the effluent from their factories and turning it into useable substances. And when they took over Best Foods, they quickly realised the industrial sludge their chemcial works produced was almost exactly like Marmite.

"So in 2003, they started introducing what they called 'improvers' into the recipe in such small quantities to start with that no-one noticed. Gradually, that increased to a point where now, every jar made and sold in the UK contained 98% industrial waste."

He says the marketing campaign 'Love it or Hate it' came from the very real fear that someone might realise there was a changing taste to the product and instead of trying to hide it, the company shifted the emphasis.

Tonight, Unilever shares have tumbled on the FTSE as nervous traders await a statement from the firm, but an insider at the company's London headquarters told me they're worried.

"This could ruin everything. We've been telling the world about how we're looking after the environment by recycling as much of our waste as possible and then this comes out. It's almost enough to make you turn to Bovril."

Legal high could face ban
There are concerns that a yeast based legal high, thought to be responsible for the deaths of several pensioners in Stockport could be about to flood the streets of the UK
Known on the street as Nighty-Night, Bedfordshire and Dog-Shit the drug is cheap, easy to make and readily available - sold openly in shops and supermarkets across the UK every day.
The high is obtained either by applying it to lightly seared bread ( 'toast') or as a warm beverage.
Adults have even been known to force children into taking the sticky, black substance which has devestating side effects that include vomiting, seizures followed by bouts of screaming and aggressive behaviour.
Concerns that the drug is fast becoming the 'high of choice' amongst celebrities was taken seriously when viewers of The Graham Norton Show rang the BBC to complain about seing a.... 'a naseous brown ring around his nose, and we're not talking about his face' ....although the slightly flustered young man from make-up was able to confirm it was not actually the legal high but a quite different brown, messy substance altogether.
Around 23,000 shop assistants are helping police with their enquiries.

Eth: We never do anything exciting, Ron. Let’s do something different tonight, dearest.

Ron: Alright, Eth. Come here!

Eth: No, Ron. I want to go out. Why don’t we go to the Mecca Bingo for a change? We might win enough for you to buy those shiny new bicycle clips you wanted.

Ron: Okay, Eth.

Eth: Perhaps Mr Glum would like to come with us, Ron, my beloved.

(Opens lounge door).
Eth: Mr Glum, Ron and I want to do something exciting tonight and we wondered if you would like to join in?

Mr G: Well, Eff, I’m ‘onoured and overcome. But there’s not much room in that little bed of Ron’s.

Eth: No, Mr Glum. We meant - would you like to come to Bingo with us tonight?

Mr G: Oh! I understand. I fought you wanted to – well, never mind what I fought. No, Eff, Bingo’s not my game. I shall be off to the dogs for a quick flutter and a couple o’ pints o’ brown ale. Mrs Glum could be interested. I’ll ask her.

Mr G: (Shouts upstairs) Muvver! Do you want to go to the bingo wiv Ron and Eff?

Mrs G: (undecipherable female voice from afar) *$%&()”£!&*%%%$£

Mr G: Well, Eff, I can hear her getting up. So I fink your marmite come.

Those were the days . . .
The Goons, Ted Ray, Take it From Here, Hancock's Half Hour, Family Favourites, Uncle Mac, Wally Whyton & Childrens Favourites; "With her one eye on the pot and the t'other up the chimney..."

The golden age of radio - celebrated the other night on UK Gold with the "Heroes of Comedy - The Goons". I remember the Bluebottle/Eccles conversation about what time is it? - "I know the time, I've got it written down on a piece of paper this man gave me this morning - it's 8 o'clock". Mr Milligan was the master and we shall never see his like again.

Modern bible for schools to use the lesson of the widow's marmite.
And He said, "In truth I say unto you that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all.
For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God, but she of the brewing process hath cast in a rich brown savoury spread which we can market unto the gentiles and maketh them cast up the contents of their stomachs."