Monday, August 12, 2013

[Editors note "Wow I am really far behind on posting this and the finale" I write them the night of but usually delay posting and I just forgot, so here is a bonus 2 posts in one hour type of thing]

This week we go to Antigua but first we are given a 'previously on the
Bachelorette' that lasts 10 minutes and 53 seconds, thank god for DVR or I would
have shot myself and the 2 persons watching it with me. And they would have accepted
the sweet release.

Drew is first

So of course walking around they find a mini street carnival
cause seriously the Eastern Caribbean just parties all the damn time. They sit down
for a picnic and Drew shows us that he cannot peel a pineapple.

It is raining which ruins the dinner with the bonfire that
Des claims she planned for them – can we stop pretending that the Bachelorette
or Bachelor actually set these dates up. So we get to see them kissing under an
umbrella beside a fire that is rapidly going out, then walking to the fantasy
suite that was just STEPS AWAY. So yup fake make out session. Drew is offered
the fantasy suite card despite the fact that they are already in the fantasy
suite (because of rain). D and E are still convinced he is gay, he does not do
a tonne to dispel that when he uses long speeches that seem forced.

Drew does a move I can respect he takes a bit of control and
turns to the camera peeps and says “okay guys time to go…” the camera pans out
and we here Des say “it’s hot in here” which I am assuming is code for “take
your clothes off”.

Brookes is sort of up next…

I say sort of because we find Brookes going back home to
talk to his family about Des. Brooks is admitting that he is not sure about his
love for Des. He tells his mom and sister that the physicality is there…awkward.

Chris is actually up next
E points out that he is
rocking the V-neck. We knew there had to be one in this episode. D thinks Des
is not going to age well “She already has old woman face”. They take a
helicopter over to Barbuda which is treated like it is subordinate to Antigua
(which Des cannot pronounce properly by the way) I guess no one told the
Bachelorette producers that they are a TWIN island Republic. There is some
rolling around in the sand and kissing. They both claim to be feeling each
other and this date is still boring.

We are all sitting here anticipating if Chris is going to
break out a poem. Everything he does we think means poem moment. He says “here
is the thing” and we expected a poem instead he tells her about Seattle, he
touches the pockets of his pants and we exclaim “he is reaching for a poem.”.
By the way they set up their mics right beside every bug in the island there is
constant chirping throughout the meal. Des really says like a lot, like a whole
lot, like she can turn a whole sentence into a like fest.

Chris is offered the fantasy suite and claims he wants it
just to spend time with her and gaze at the stars. And you guessed it, I know
you guessed it…he has a poem. It is as terrible as we knew it would be so we
spend the time making jokes about how awesome it would be if Des’ brother just
popped up out of nowhere.

Brooks is I guess up next…

He appears in a V-neck, there is a knocking at his villa
door and it is Chris Harrison. Chris appears to be faking concern as Brooks
tries to hype the drama. I am guessing Chris’ inner monologue is “don’t yawn, don’t
yawn, nod your head”. Chris finally cuts to the chase “are you not sure, or are
you not in love with this woman?” I am thinking no guy turns down the fantasy
suite when they have come this far…but then I raise the point that maybe Brooks
already had sex with her. D raises another point maybe Des had sex only with
Brooks “which is why he is over it and the other guys are still so sprung”.

Brooks’ hesitation with falling in love is actually the
rational response after only 2 months but this is not great for the show or its
premise. Chris Harrison really looks pissed that he has to work more than 2
minutes in this episode. He tells Brooks that he has to be the one to tell Des
and I just know it is because he doesn’t want to have to exert the effort.

The producers are setting Des up sooooo hard; her pre date
interview is all about how much she loves Brooks and would immediately accept
his proposal and how great their date is going to be…uh oh. Brooks takes her to
sit down and Des starts to get “oh no” face, her brain is starting to process
it before the words escape Brooks’ lips. He takes forever to get to the point. He
tells Des “please don’t cry” from my experience those are words that never work.

Des curls into a protective ball when she realizes what is
happening. Des tells Brooks that she loves him and he then says “Why didn’t you
tell me that earlier?” Is he hinting that if she had said it first he would
have said it too? There really is a tonne of cheesy music this episode. Brooks
looks bored and tired with pretending to care, he is holding the side of his
head in his hands but it looks like the boredom pose not the ‘I am so stressed’
pose.

So a tonne of this is boring and drawn out so let me comment
again here JAMAICA WE NEED TO GET the Bachelor/Bachelorette. The damn show
makes every location look amazing we need the tourist dollars and we are so
much better than all these other locations. Antigua and Barbuda is a backwater
destination compared to us…let’s get on this. D brought up a point earlier that
it would suck to be the guy picked and then see Des go on all the dates and all
the kissing she did earlier in the season.

Then his point is immediately validated by Des claiming she
only wanted to be with Brooks even when she went on other dates blah blah. So
if she ends up picking Drew or Chris they are going to have to sit there and
realize she NEVER EVEEEER wanted to be with them. Brooks and Des finally break
apart and we get a shot of Des sitting on the pier bawling…again have fun with
that whomever guy gets picked. E points out “At least he gets to leave in a
limo.”

Des in her confessional basically admits to what I just typed
above – she does not love the remaining 2 guys as much as they love her.

So quick recap,
Brooks dumps Des
2 guys are left that she does not love
The show squeezed 2-3 more hours out of this
Des continues her streak of having me stare at the screen and think "What the hell are you wearing?"

About Me

Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt.
Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.