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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mad Men: That Glen Kid Is Creeping Me Out!

Those pajamas are actually sort of amazing.

So Don Draper desperately takes a provocative ad out in the New York Times, the agency is on the brink, and Don's ex-girlfriend Midge is a bona fide heroin addict; and yet the only thing that I truly want to blog about is just how incredibly creepy that kid Glen is!

"Do you want the backwash?" he asked Sally?!?!? as he guzzled his Coke and laid down in the grass like a Calvin Klein model (with his football pads still on!). I mean, I understand that teenage girls are sometimes into some freaky stuff, but drinking the backwash from the bottom of a soda bottle? Who makes an offer like that?!

Even more disturbing was the fact that Sally didn't even bat an eyelash. She just declined and moved on with the conversation (which is probably what her mother would have done as well). Shouldn't the conversation have gone more like this?:

Glen: Do you want the backwash?

Sally: What?

Glen: The backwash, from my soda. Do you want to finish it?

Sally: Dude, why would I want to drink your backwash?

Glen: I dunno, figured I'd offer; maybe you'd be into it.

Sally: You thought I might be interested in drinking the spit from the bottom of your soda bottle?

Glen: I'm not saying you'd be into it, I just looked down and noticed that I had a little more ...

Sally: And why do you still have your shoulder pads on? Didn't practice end like, three hours ago?

Glen: Well yeah, but ...

Sally: And hold up, why the FREAK would I want to drink your backwash?

Glen: I'm not really sure; I just looked down, saw that there was a little more soda, well, backwash in the bottle ...

Sally: So you thought, "Hmm, I've got some disgusting spit in the bottom of my soda bottle; I think I'll offer it to Sally."?

Glen: Kinda.

Sally: Are you INSANE?

Glen: Look, I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to offend you, I've just always been taught to share and we've been talking for a while here and I thought you might be a little thirsty.

Sally: Yeah, we have been talking for a while.

Glen: That's all I'm saying ...

Sally: And I am pretty thirsty. That's actually sort of a nice gesture.

Glen: Thank you. I wasn't trying to ...

Sally: Let's make out.

Glen (freezes, looks at the camera, winks, and mouths the words): Bing bong.

They make out hardcore and Glen keeps his eyes open the entire time. Anddddd cut.

Hmmm, well, maybe he was onto something.

At this point in the show; after snooping on Betty going to the bathroom, requesting a lock of her hair, living in the Draper's backyard and making Sally a lanyard, Glen has already cemented himself amongst the all-time creepiest characters in television history.

Here is who he is up against:

The current champ.

1. Kasey from this past season of the Bachelorette - For the first four weeks or so, I thought for sure that Kasey was deaf, but it turned out that he just had a ridiculously nasally speech impediment. Between guarding and protecting Ali's heart, the infamous tattoo and his Labrador-esque serenades, Kasey currently wears the crown as the Creepiest Character of All Time.

Probably the grainiest picture ever.

2. Vicki from Small Wonder - Once again, it's the voice, coupled with an inability to show any human emotion. Oh, she also had super human strength and lived in a cabinet.

"Hi'dy ho! Kermit the Frog here."

3. Bryant Gumbel

(Other receiving votes included: Fire Marshall Bill, The chick who won the Spelling Bee in 1997 and consistently put her hands over her mouth in between saying every letter, Phillies broadcaster Chris Wheeler and his toupee and any character from the show Twin Peaks, specifically the Log Lady.)

The amazing thing with Glen is, his creepiness is INCREASING. Most creepy people that you know tend to get less creepy the more you get to know them. For example, we've all worked with that person in our office who seems at first to be an absolute creep, but after getting to know them and their idiosyncrasies for an extended period of time, we actually learn to like them. Sometimes, we defend them when someone else makes fun of them, forcing us to say things like, "Yeah, I know it's kind of weird that Gilbert constantly smells his fingers, but he's got a problem with his glands and it just makes him feel better, so lay off." Or "Listen, sure Carl has a bunch of dead hookers locked up in his basement, but give the dude a break, his father sold life insurance."

I don't know how or if Glen is going to get out of his creepy funk. If you assume that he is about 13 years old right now and the show is set in 1965, then in 2010, Glen would be 58 years old and is probably currently sitting at his computer, writing a blog while wearing sweatpants.

And yes, I am currently wearing sweatpants.

Please help me.

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Other quick thoughts from episode #413:

This looks normal.

- I don't understand why Don was still wearing his monkey suit while he stayed up late writing the letter to the New York Times. The first thing my wife and I do when we get home is take our clothes off. On most days when she gets home, I'm sitting on the couch watching PTI while she stumbles in with her pants already down around her ankles. - I can almost GUARANTEE you that Sally was lying to Dr. Edna when she told her that she didn't have any Aces during their game of Go Fish. If there's one thing I learned during my three years as a middle school teacher, it's that teenagers LOVE to lie during card games. They also love to draw tattoos on their arms with magic markers, run errands to the office and make fun of dorky, white teachers who wear sweatpants and write blogs in their spare time.

- My wife is no longer fooled by those fake Mad Men'ish commercials that come on during the On Demand broadcast of the show. I'm not saying she is an expert with the remote; she still zooms way past the commercials and has to rewind and fast forward around 3 times before actually starting at the right point, but those black and white 60's style ads for Dove soap aren't fooling us anymore! And yes, we use Dove soap, but it's delightfully refreshing!