I’ll get to the picture in a minute. The real question is why am I having 2 to 3 bowel movements a day on average? Is it my diet? My posture? My sleep schedule? My collection of fine leather pirate boots?

But what I’m not kidding about is the phrase “bowel movement.” The next time I hear someone utter those two words together I’m gonna lose it. And then puke.

Nobody should say that ever. You either poop or you take a shit. And which you do depends on the urgency.

I even had to school my dentist on this fact. Well, I didn’t really but I will if the situation ever comes up.

My mom used to say it to me all the time when I was a kid. Because she’s a nurse. And that’s what they do. But it’s 2018 so stop saying that. Everybody.

That phrase is too many syllables for kids anyways. They just wanna take a dump (that works, too) and get back to playing Berserk on Atari. They don’t ever want to know what’s going on inside their bodies — if it’s the bowels or the intestines or any of that other internal plumbing. They got kid stuff to do.

Now then. As to why I tore apart the top of my stove in a cleaning OCD fit on a Friday night after work… I have no idea. I guess that’s what you do when you’re me.

And then in the middle of my scrub frenzy I gotta poop and I’ll be damned if these two horrible words didn’t pop into my head like Satan from the bowels of Hell. So I want to put an end to all of that.

I’m not knocking my mom or the other healthcare professionals. Those are the kind of things that they say. And if they want to continue to say them, they should do it within the confines of their workspace.

Since I don’t know when, I have used “powder my nose”. It gets the rednecks right by their knecks and even my die hards will still raise an eyebrow. If I’m especially feelin’ it, I will let fly with a “tinkle” or “potty” just to keep men honest.

That’s a good one. I don’t think I ever make a formal announcement. One of the ex’s insisted that all affairs of this nature should remain private to the person in charge. The session manager if you will.