Tuesday, March 14, 2017

First things first (not to make it all about me, but to make it all about me) I had the most delightful birthday last week. Every single person made it so special and there were so many Bachelor references everywhere and I love every single thing about it. You guys are the MOST delightful.

MOVING ON...

We open with Chris Harrison telling the live studio audience that Nick… is at a crossroads… at the end of his journey. I’m not a geographical expert... But I’m pretty sure these things don’t go together. Strong start, Hare.

Better question: Is Ivanka Trump in the audience? Is Tiffany Trump? Cause it sure looks like it. This is a sea of basic blondes.

I definitely have a problem with Chris Harrison telling us that “Nick has to choose between two beautiful women…” How about two incredible women? Two… wonderful women, even? COME ON, HARE.

Really quick, very real memo from the remote Living Room Peanut Gallery about meeting the family:

John and Shannon def don't cry that much tho

RAVEN MEETS THE PARENTS:

I have no idea where in Finland they are, right now. I’ve never seen those letters together before. Not even crammed up in my mind when I’m pathetically trying to figure out Wheel of Fortune.

A few questions about the family dinner: dynamics aside, are they eating… chicken and… hollandaise sauce? What is Bella drinking? That is 100% a glass of red in her hand.

I love that Bachelor Nation has witnessed the entire maturation of Nick’s sister Bella. We have been watching her on national TV since she was three.

I also always forget that it’s so easy to see that Nick gets his waterworks from his Mama. Hey, I get it – DO NOT talk to Lou Douglas about the episode of NCIS when Ziva’s Dad died… And how she made me GOOGLE TRANSLATE what Tony said to Ziva after the funeral, while she was bawling. I swear she was crying for days.

I need to express my discontent with both Raven and Vanessa for their mascara jobs, on these dates. Those lashes are CLUMPY. Less is more, ladies!

I’m unmoved by Raven meeting his family. But clearly Nick and Raven did plenty of MOVING because they’re covered in snow as they say goodbye to each other right now… Why are they always rolling around? What is it with these two?

VANESSA MEETS THE PARENTS:

I’m surprised that Vanessa wore cargo pants this outing to meet Nick's parents. Probably to hold all her emotional baggage.

We had to take a break because Johnny walked in… With a vase of roses. There are a couple ways to my heart, but relevant shoutouts to my favorite things are one of them:

JOHNNY: Did you know that today is international nap day? Fitting, during this guy’s season. HE’S A SNOOZER, DOUGLAS. A TURTLENECK-WEARING SNOOZER.

Vanessa meets his family, carrying all that emotional baggage... This moment between Vanessa and Papa Viall is kind of endearing. But I’m still mad about her clumpy mascara. EVEN BELLA’S MASCARA IS LESS CLUMPY.

Sidenote: I’m kind of disappointed in the quality of chairs that they have on the ground floor of this live taping right now…They are giving me C grade Church Basement chairs...

FINAL DATES AS NICK'S GIRLFRIEND: (Their words, not mine)

Honestly, if I were Vanessa and I saw the two horses, I’d be like, “Are we reenacting the final scene from The Revenant? EPICCC.”

...No? Am I the only one? Is this why I'm still single?

Vanessa is more excited to see Santa than she has been for anything else this season. I come to understand that Santa does, in fact, speak English, (although you know I love subtitles) except now I’m wondering if they dubbed over him, because we definitely can’t see his mouth.

SANTA: This gift is for you.…JOHNNY: It’s “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac. On vinyl.

....instead it looked like something out of an eighth grade art class. (I mean, from one of the good art students, not from an eighth grade Grace Douglas art student....)

I’m so upset that they talked Vanessa into doing this whole comparison of Santa Claus and love…

Mercy.

Did Nick just say that he doesn’t care how this turns out? I'm kind of too bored by their conversation to care. Vanessa's mascara job is a little better today, but still pretty clumpy.

Vanessa tells Nick that she wants answers. She doesn’t want him to give her general responses… But has she actually asked him any questions? If I got a dollar every time Vanessa has said “Going into… this/today/the date…” I’d no longer be packing my lunch to eat at work everyday. (Totally kidding, I’ll always pack my lunch – CAN I GET AN AMEN, KATHERYN RUPERT?!) It seems like Vanessa just wants to know if Nick is gonna propose to her. Which is fair. But them going around in circles during this conversation right now is boring to me.

OH NO SHE’S CRY KISSING. MAYDAAAAAY.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

Vanessa, if your gut is telling you to question things, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Honestly. This is not difficult. But I’m glad that at least her still-kinda-clumpy mascara is waterproof.

We are beginning the date with Raven and Johnny has JUST figured out that they are in Finland.

JOHNNY: They’re in Finland?!GRACE: Seriously WHERE did you think they were? JOHNNY: I dunno… Milwaukee? Minnesota? I don’t know…GRACE: You thought there was a Santa not speaking in English in Minnesota? JOHNNY: Well I just thought it was some place really lame and cheesy! Look at them skating right now… Imagine if they skated straight into a Sixpence None the Richer concert.

We all agree that Raven and Nick have chemistry… but we kind of wonder who WOULDN’T have chemistry with Raven, because she’s so charming and silly. Vanessa is just so... difficult, it seems.

THESE HUSKY PUPPIES ARE EVERYTHING DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW.

Raven definitely does a better job of asking Nick ACTUAL questions than Vanessa does. And while I’m thinking about Vanessa… Where was her post-season gift for Nick? Where is Raven’s gift for Nick? What is this show right now? Looks like he just tried to take a bite of Raven's hand. Probably in aggression that she didn’t give her a gift. Sheesh.

We took about twenty minutes to pause, rewind, pause and rewind again to observe the studio audience. Did you guys see the girl in the polka dotted dress that looked directly at the camera with intention?

TWO THUMBS WAY, WAY UP.

We are getting a full on Neil Lane infomercial right now. QUICK ANNUAL REMINDER: I don’t want a big rock, ok? Don’t let him give me a big rock! #FatFingers

Glad that Raven is in a floor length fur coat. Know what we call that in my family? My great grandmother had a mink coat and Davey, who was 2 years old at the time, toddled up to it, gave it a pat and declared “kitty!” So Raven is wearing a kitty.

Johnny points out that we need to acknowledge that no final rose ceremony location will compare to the one in Farmer Chris’s serial killer barn… Althought this rose ceremony room definitely provided the Lapland Michael's with the most business that they’ve had in YEARS. Johnny summarized it best as “Get all the dead things in Finland that you can and stick them in a room.”

Raven starts her spiel… And everyone is cringing. Honestly, if I started giving my spiel, I’d look at him, read his reaction and be like, “Oh, it’s not me, is it? Should I go?” Also let’s acknowledge how much makeup Nick is wearing right now? Goodness.

Oh she knows. Raven knows. And we see that she knows. You know what? Let’s clap it up for Ray-van because her mascara has FINALLY gotten itself together on her face. Nick tells her he’s going to miss her and she pulls a Han Solo and says “I know.” She then proceeded to walk out the door without her kitty. Brrrrr. But what a classy broad.

In the rejection limo Rayven asks “Why even look for love if it’s not possible?” SHE IS TWENTY FIVE.

Now all I can think about as Nick starts his spiel to Vanessa is… “Why doesn’t she have to give him a spiel first?” Also why has Nick been fighting falling in love with Vanessa? (I don’t know why I put that first question in quotations, but I’m letting it happen) Has there ever been so much crying at a rose ceremony? Well… aside from JoJo. But that was a single-handed delivery, on her part. We also can’t figure out why Nick has to pick up these women so much… Does he need to prove he can carry them? Mercy.

Here are a few thoughts on Nick: I loved him on Andi's season. I loved him on Kaitlyn's season. I loved him on Bachelor In Paradise. I think he's one of the more interesting humans to be on the show - COMPARATIVELY, ok? Think about Marine Alex from JoJo's season... Or Jared from Kaitlyn's season... THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING INTERESTING. (I don't care how much Ashley I wants to cry her eyes out about Jared. He's dull. And the poem he wrote for Kaitlyn was terrible.) So I guess I mostly liked Nick cause he was interesting.But then he suffered from that Bachelor overexposure, where watching him becomes, "If I have to hear him analyze one more emotion, I'm gonna pull my hair out..." It doesn't help that he's a pretty analytical, in-his-head kind of guy, and let's face it: hearing someone parse their own emotions night after night gets kind of dull.

And finally: who's to say why he did the show. I don't know him. I can't rule whether he was in it for (literally) Love or Money. (Did anyone ever watch that show on NBC? Cause it was so good) The only thing I have to say about him being in it for the money is: HE IS THIRTY SIX! Why doesn't he even have a real job? Why hasn't he been able to find love? Basically what I'm saying is that Nick's life stresses me out almost as much as the Super Bowl Halftime show, right now...

After The Final Rose:

So Nick sits down with Hare... Anyone else thing that it wasn’t AT ALL convincing when Nick said “Yeah… Things are good?” This is weird.

Raven has opted to wear a nightgown, tonight. But she definitely got a spray tan. And her hair looks immaculate. And without ANY hesitation, she agrees to do BIP. Great. I bet she'll have some delightful one-liners...

Then Vanessa comes out... In a terrible 1994 Homecoming dress from Dillard's. Honestly, I respect that she didn’t watch the fantasy suites… Cause that’s not how I roll. But more power to her, for being able to resist the temptation to know how those dates went...

Guys… Vanessa and Nick are going to break up so fast. I haven’t seen a couple this tense since Brad Womack and Emily Maynard. He definitely doesn’t have his arm around her. They’re kind of holding hands, but they’re really not sitting that close together. Their bodies aren't even touching! So many pursed lips from both of them. They’re both touching their faces WAY more than the contestants usually do at this point – this is a self-soothing gesture that people do when they’re uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure he’s fiddling with his tie right now. Goodness. BODY LANGUAGE IS EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.

THANK GOODNESS RACHEL IS COMING OUT TO SAVE THE DAY. WHEW!

Loving her jumpsuit right now. At this point, Johnny and I are getting in an aggressive argument about whether or not Chris Harrison’s tie matches his pocket square. I think they’re the same. Johnny thinks they’re not. Then he got nasty: “It’s JUST close enough that PEOPLE LIKE YOU will think they’re the same. But they’re different.” I then consulted Bachelor designer Cary Fetman, found out it was a Mimi Fong tie, but no word on the pocket squares… You guys have any thoughts?

OMG BRINGING OUT THESE GUYS RIGHT NOW I’M NOT READY WHAT IS HAPPENING??!

Monday, March 6, 2017

First things first: my birthday is Friday. Please send all the cookies. Thx.

Secondly, I need to get something off my chest… Obviously this is L.A. and there are movie and TV posters everywhere… I’ve been seeing King Kong posters (comes out on my birthday, by the way)… and this whole time, I’ve been VERY legitimately convinced that they were posters advertising... Godzilla. I thought it was a Godzilla sequel. Until I tried to google “Godzilla sequel” and couldn’t find one that came out on March 10. Just needed you guys to know.

OMG Raven!!! We’re already off to such an intense start. This poor girl. Ok, let’s talk for a brief moment about editing: all this stuff where Raven is bouncing around Finland, petting dogs and looking all jazzed? They totally shot that BEFORE her date with Nick. That footage, plus the music, plus her ONE soundbite of saying that Nick is good at what- OH HONESTLY I CAN’T EVEN REPEAT IT BECAUSE WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, RAVEN?! YOUR FATHER IS WATCHING THIS!! But anyway: the combination of those three things tells us quite a specific story, no?

RACHEL:

Rachel and Nick are “trying out some new adventures together and there’s something exciting and romantic about…” feeding reindeer. Her words, not mine. Carolyn was floored that they went cross country skiing: “Seriously if he picked me for that date, I would send myself home immediately.” Honestly Nick and Rachel are more of a couple than anyone else on this season. We also know that they don’t end up together, so basically what I’m saying is that there is no hope for anyone, least of all Nick. And they obviously didn’t get an appearance release from the Sleigh ride Driver and had to awkwardly cut around him and we never saw anyone driving the sleigh.

Post sleigh ride, Nick raises a toast: “Here’s to those moments when you’re willing to be vulnerable.” I really don’t have much affection for Nick this season, but I do like those words. Wait, speaking of words… Did Rachel say “I’m terrible with words” just now? You have a juris doctor degree, RACHEL. YOU ARE A DOCTOR OF LAWS. PULL YOUR LEXICON TOGETHER, WOMAN.

Nice onesie, though.

Ugh. I needed Nick to make her French Toast for breakfast, for my fantasy league points. Remember how he told Danielle M that he made great French Toast? I was banking on that!!

VANESSA:

CAROLYN: Why do they all wear the dumbest hats?

VANESSA: I love it here!

CAROLYN: Do you? It’s a literal TUNDRA.

The producers are LOVING the word play on this date. “Our physical chemistry is on fire, so we need to cool it down a bit…” etc.

DO NOT.

Ok them creeping out of the ice bath IS kind of hilarious. I love that they’re turning this ice bath challenge into the two of them facing emotional mountains together. IT’S AN ICE BATH, NOT CHARITY WORK IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. But shout-out to Vanessa rocking that one piece, because you could not pay me TEN MILLION DOLLARS to wear that thang on national TV.

Nick keeps his pinky up as he sips his drank and tells Vanessa that he doesn’t want to eat dinner with her family every Sunday. I don’t understand this conversation. I think Nick is euphemizing the fact that Vanessa has dinner with her family every Sunday as “you are traditional.” Because she’s smart and articulate, she takes it to mean something deeper than that, so there’s some awkward tension due to this miscommunication. Also… isn’t Nick super close to his family? Doesn’t that make this whole thing kind of weird?

Nick is proud to be an American.

....pretty sure this episode was filmed before the election.

They kind of talk in circles and compromise on nothing, and now the date is over. I wonder if I’d be friends with Vanessa. I think it would be pretty black and white; either we’d be besties or I’d never want to hang out with her.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Well… Two minutes in and Nick is already crying. Please let the record show: I don’t think that’s a BAD thing, I just thing it’s a thing.

Roses went to: Raven and Vanessa.

If I was OBVIOUSLY the last girl standing (like Rachel is now) and Chris Harrison came in to say “Rachel I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes” I would put up my hand and holler:

Rachel is giving us some SERIOUS mascara tears right now. I’m here for it.

But also like... This is Rachel, after this episode

WTA:
Ugh. This is one of my season favorites, you guys.

The back row is officially the most forgettable girls of the season. Except for Alexis. Glad she admitted that gills mean that costume is a shark. That poor Production Assistant probably told her mom she was gonna be on national TV when they told her she had to sit in the audience wearing that thing.

Chris Harrison absolutely cannot control these women. I love it. He even whistles at one point. This is great.

Carolyn and I are very concerned about everything that is going on with Josephine’s attire. There is dark lipstick. There is yellow velvet. It is all so very much.

Seriously who is this chick in the back that is asserting her minor in psychology? Then Danielle stands up for the fact that Taylor got her Master’s, before readjusting her boob tape, and someone hollers “having a master’s degree doesn’t give you the right to bully someone!” Bless.

We hear a sound bite of Nick saying “The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense…” Which is a very good way to describe everything that was Liz on this show. Now she’s telling us that she was trying to get over someone else right after she hooked up with Nick, which is why she didn't pursue him… Why didn’t she tell Nick that? She gave an oddly impassioned speech (I say "oddly" because this is the Women Tell All, not Viola Davis accepting an Academy Award) and I love how Hare says “I love your perspective… how are you different now?” I think this female empowerment thing is kind of cool, but ultimately really hypocritical, because the girls basically undid everything by subsequently stoking the Corinne/Taylor flames... I’m not saying we should just blindly support all women ever because they are women, but tearing other women down does ABSOLUTELY nothing for anyone.

During this Corinne and Taylor bit, all I can think about how Corinne’s hair is a MESS. Also I can’t believe that Taylor is 23. Mercy.

This Taylor Corinne exchange:

Neither girl has a solid argument, so there’s no point to this.

I love that they show the Corinne Highlight Reel and then Chris says “When you watch that, what do you think?” She claimed that she had an “anxiety attack” on the night of the rose ceremony…

"Anxiety Attack"

I’m really bummed that Corinne’s hair extensions are curled tonight, but not her bangs.

Corinne’s rhetoric deeply reminds me of a certain candidate for president, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m still stressed about her sun spots. She just tells Taylor “Yes, right now, I held a grudge to you…” Ugh. Sentence structure, y’all. Loving the cheese pasta handout, though. She totally didn't plan that herself, but I always advocate for warm, simple carbs. Everyone needs some cheese pasta in their life. (Carolyn and I had some tonight. As we do every Monday night. For which we will NEVER apologize.)

Davey and Buck crapped out after Corinne (they text me updates from the east coast). Carolyn went to bed after Taylor. I am now a lone wolf watching the Women Tell All and this will never NOT be my favorite show on network television.

Loving Kristina’s lighter hair right now. She is heavily made up tonight, but not as heavily as some of the other girls. There is a LOT of make up and contouring happening in those seats tonight. Danielle M has opted for a low makeup look, of which I will ALWAYS be a fan, but her silver hair is NOT doing it for me...

At this point, Bryan walked in the apartment with a bag from McDonald’s, but he doesn’t eat French Fries, so I can’t be bothered. We then proceeded to mimic Danielle L’s crying noises for the next ten minutes.

I like that Dominique calls Nick out on running away from the things that he allegedly wants (I also dig her eyeshadow)