Show those motherf*ckers you're serious!™

October 06, 2004

Liberal Fantasy Interview with Nader

Ralph Nader's campaign for president is, of course, uncontroversial to the vast majority of America's citizens, who enjoy races with more than two candidates and are even well-disposed to more than one platform. Unfortunately, certain confused elements have bigoted prejudices against the democratic social order; they have grouped themselves around the (oddly-named) Democratic Party.

Whenever Mr. Nader speaks in a public forum, these sad souls berate him with the same questions. Do they knowingly repeat these pathetic queries, or are they under the impression that their brains were capable of generating them spontaneously? It hardly matters; the real tragedy is that these liberals are driving thousands away from civic life by making politics seems like the process by which a principled person is brayed at by idiots until they give up in disgust.

In order to improve the quality of our democracy, ReverseVoteSwap.org presents this LIBERAL FANTASY INTERVIEW with Ralph Nader. Liberals can enjoy this soothing fabrication, specially crafted to fit in with all their preconceived notions, while listening to their favorite multicultural music tapes. They will then not feel obligated to bother Mr. Nader while he tries to discuss serious matters. Enjoy!

"Mr. Nader, didn't you cost Gore the election in 2000?"

Yes it is true. Through the PIRGs I control five votes on the US Supreme Court. Furthermore, it was I who commanded all the Democratic Senators not to co-sign the protests of the Congressional Black Caucus over election irregularities. John Kerry begged me to let him fight for civil rights, but truly I am Master of the Senate. My hatred of Blacks knows no bounds!

"Mr. Nader, isn't a vote for you a vote for Bush?"

Yes it is true. Bush is afraid that Kerry's more verbose presentation of the same policies will impress enough people that it will take away GOP votes. Therefore he sent me, his minion Ralph Nader, to make Kerry seem like an unprincipled hack by forcing him to kick me off the ballot via repulsive tactics. It was a most devious plan, only the greatest genius in the history of liberalism could have discovered it!

"Mr. Nader, aren't you personally responsible for the deaths of 1,000 US soldiers?"

Yes it is true. I alone am to blame for the Iraq War. When Gore lost, thanks to me, Democrats became so unhappy that they supported and voted for the war out of depression. I must take full responsibility for their criminal acts!

"Mr. Nader, aren't you destroying your legacy?"

Yes it is true. If Bush wins, General Motors will reinstate production of the Corvair. Everyone whose life was saved by a seat belt over the last 40 years will be summarily put to death. Also, Gore will be retroactively installed as president because part of my legacy is causing Gore to lose. With Gore as president, Bush would have ended his political career in 2000 and thus could not win this election. This paradox would be unresolvable under prevailing physical law, causing the universe to evaporate!

Yes it is true. Americans are united in wanting to subordinate Iraq, subordinate themselves, and enrich the capitalist class. The masses desire to feel the iron hand that only Bush/Kerry can provide!

"Mr. Nader, wouldn't you agree that now is not the time for an independent progressive candidate?"

Yes it is true. When the house is on fire, you don't look for a new house; rather, you find someone who can explain to your neighbors why they should set their own houses ablaze and share the burden. We must not change horses midstream!

"Mr. Nader, isn't it a fact that Republicans are bankrolling your entire campaign?"

Yes it is true. Republicans are racists who don't believe in the ability of the backward cultures to be enlightened by humanitarian interventions and our superior methods of food production. That is why they back me, the only anti-occupation candidate. The Republicans do not succeed in keeping me on the ballot everywhere because your lawyers are the greatest geniuses in the history of liberalism!