I lost your pet ferret

Hey Steve, yeah, what's up? Oh, you're really busy. Cleaning up, huh? Yeah, sorry about throwing that huge party at your house while you were in Tijuana and then not cleaning up the mess. It's cool? OK, cool. Actually, I have something to tell you. I know it's kind of a bad time, but here goes.

I Killed Your Pet Ferret

Yeah, you know Hopper, your petferret? Yeah, you may have noticed his absence recently. You did? Exactly. Well see, it's interesting, because I noticed his absence too. Yeah, funny how these things happen, huh? You see, I lost your pet ferret. But there is good news! I did later find him. Unfortunately, he was dead, but it wasn't my fault! Wait, actually, it was my fault, sort of.

You see, it was really early on Saturday morning. Yes, the morning after the party, exactly. Yeah, I was hungover and it was really early. Or maybe the other way around. It was really early and I was hungover. Yes. So anyway, I figured I should at least do the laundry if I wasn't going to clean up. I was intending to clean up, but I figured I should do the laundry first. Just in case something prevented me from cleaning up, at least the laundry would be done. It's a good thing I thought of that, because it turned out I couldn't clean up. Actually, maybe it wasn't a good thing: you see, I couldn't clean up because your pet ferret was dead. Which wouldn't have happened had I not done the laundry.

OK, so I was hungover and it was really early. I mean, it was really early and I was hungover. And I thought your ferret was a coat. You know, a fur coat. A coat made from fur. Well, he's kind of fat, don't blame me. You shouldn't feed him so much, you know. He might get overweight, or he might have a heart attack. Actually, now that I think about it, you don't have to worry about that. He won't have a heart attack because his little heart stopped beating over six hours ago. So I guess you're off the hook, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ahhhh...

Anyway, so I thought your pet ferret was a coat. So I put your pet ferret in the washing machine. It was an accident, I'm really sorry. Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't a complete accident. You see, I definitely put him in the washing machine on purpose. Sort of. I put him in on purpose because I thought he was actually a coat. That's why it was an accident.

But it turned out he was actually a ferret. I guess you already knew that, though.

I Turned the Washing Machine to MAXIMUM POWER!!!

So yeah, I put him in the washing machine, accidentally, because I thought he was a fur coat. Then I turned the washing machine to MAXIMUM POWER!!! Yes, that's right. That setting. The setting called MAXIMUM POWER!!!. Yes, that's MAXIMUM POWER!!! with three exclamation points. I know, I know, it was stupid on my part. But dude, your washing machine is SO COOL! It's the only washing machine I've ever seen with a setting called MAXIMUM POWER!!!. I just had to. Maybe I shouldn't have, seeing as how your pet ferret was in the washing machine. Although, I didn't actually know he was in there, so maybe it was alright. I'm not sure. See, there's this moral ambiguity around the whole situation, so I really don't know what to think about it all.

I Put Your Pet Ferret in the Dryer

Come to think of it, it may not have been the washing machine that killed him at all. You see, I found his cold lifeless body while I was removing the clothes from the dryer. It seems the drying cycle had caused him to shrink to a less-bloated-than-normal size, at which point I was able to recognize that he was, in fact, a ferret, and not a fur coat. Come to think of it, I didn't really find his cold lifeless body so much as his warm lifeless body. He was in the dryer, which heated his otherwise cold lifeless body. But I guess you didn't care to know that.

Anyway, the point is he was definitely killed in either the wash cycle or the drying cycle. Or he might have been killed as I moved him from the washer to the dryer. That might have happened.

The point is: he was definitely killed as a result of my doing the laundry. Or actually...

I Injected Your Pet Ferret with Potassium Cyanide

Yeah, potassium cyanide. I don't even know why it was in my pocket.

Actually, now that I think about it, it might not have been the laundry that had killed him. You see, I injected your pet ferret with potassium cyanide. Yes, thats right, the poisonous stuff. Don't ask me why I did that, man, I was fucking high. It was early, I was hungover, and I was high.

So it could have been the potassium cyanide that killed him. In which case it was completely my fault, but that might not have been what killed him. You just can't tell.

Actually, in all likelihood, the potassium cyanide is what killed him, the laundry had nothing to do with it. So, yeah, I definitely killed your smelly, back-stabbing, evil little pet ferret. Sorry, man.

I Got Pubic Hair on Your Socks

Also, this might be a bad time to tell you this, but I got pubic hair on your socks. Don't even ask about that, man. It's a really long story. But... Yeah. Oh, also, Can I borrow five bucks?