The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Roxy St. James

Because of technical difficulties involving my DVR being an asshole, I didn't get to watch the show until late tonight, and am therefore live blogging it. Usually I go back through and add shit to my notes, but I don't have time for that tonight, so I apologize beforehand for how horrible this might turn out to be.

Candy Richards is back! She is my second-favorite recurring female guest star, after Dawn Budge. Now that Obama is in office, we're officially allowed to be as racist as we want, apparently, beause Stifler's mom is just spewing black stereotypes. She claims to be African American, and she wants a "big, round, fat Beyone ass" to be in her rap video. This will doubtless end fantastically. Sean tells her that she's being offensive. Candy/Coco/Stifler's mom shifts freely between the locutionary styles of Dale Gribble and Tracy Morgan as she demands reparations and fulfillment of her Destiny. Guess what the theme is. That's right: miscegenation.

Christian eats sushi and Sean passes him a breast cancer support group pamphlet. Liz tells Christian she had a "big, fat, juicy, bone-rattling orgasm" when they boned. That's probably the grossest thing I've ever heard. She recalls her "independence day" at the age of 21 when she decided to be a lesbian. Now her DESTINY is all screwed up because Christian put his weiner in her. Christian is rightfully like, "You're in love with me?" and Liz is like, "Gah!" and Christian is like, "My cock has mystical powers," and Liz says that she was checking out a muscle magazine in a news stand. Christian says that they need to have sex again. Liz tells him that he's destined to die alone. Well, accodring to the future episode/Sean's dream, he at least dies alone after having sex with two blonde models.

Olivia is in for a consult. Julia is there. Yay! Oh God, Eden moved to Europe to do porn. Olivia looks old, she thinks. She wants a face lift. Julia's skin looks pink like a baby's bottom. She actually looks pretty good, but then again, last time we saw her, she was full of mercury, so anything would be better. Olivia wants lipsocution and also had a change of heart re: western medicine after it saved Julia's life. Sean speculates that they, unlike Liz, still enjoy being lesbians. Olivia says that she wants a "fresh start" in the same way that Julie Cooper says it about marrying a rich guy and then killing him. Olivia tells Sean that they're moving to New York and he's like, "When were you going to tell me?" and Julia's like, "When were you going to tell us you could walk?" and he's like, "Touche." Then he tells her that he loves her and that he misses their ugly lobster-handed kids. Then he emotion-rapes her.

Christian goes to the breast cancer support group. Christian is obviously wearing dark sunglasses inside. He tells a lady that her husband is lying to her about finding her breast cancer scar sexy. A bald lady tries to kick him out, but he tries to sell them breast surgery. He cleverly tells them that "any woman who chooses disfigurement chooses to be a victim." He also talks about Destiny. (They are plugging Destiny on this show like it's Coca Cola and they're American Idol.) Then a lady named Roxy is introduced as evil because she smokes cigarettes. She goes outside to get more cancer and Christian goes outside to fuck her.

Roxy never had breast cancer, but her mom and sister both died from the disease. She thought his Destiny speach was sexy, and he's like, "Be a dominatrix to me," and she's like, "Okay," and he's like, "I'm going to bang you now," and she's like, "Yeah I guess you are."

Banging. Boo Roxy is wearing a bra. I take back my former adulations. Oh wait maybe it's because she's going to cut them off soon. Maybe she should just marry Escobar.

Hey-o! Anyway, apparently removing both breasts cuts the risk by 90%, ladies. Also because she is clairvoyant, she "knows that [she's] going to get it." Sob story, etc. Christian said they were the "healthiest pair of tits [he'd] ever put [his] dick between," which is pretty disgusting. She asks him for surgery. He's like, "Um this is the opposite of what I like to do."

Man oh man I can't wait to watch the new Friday the 13th movie on Friday, February 13th! That's pretty much going to be the bossest day of my life.

Hahah "Yo Stink" by Hot Coco. Wow this is easily the best music video ever. Seriously this rivals Rappin Rodney. The rapping is on par. Oh my god a basketball playing black midget. Holy shit. Between this and Legally Blonde, Stifler's mom has really been having a fantastic career. Her butt implants are gigantic. List of music videos that are as good as that one: Run Ronnie Run, Rappin Rodney. Liz sings "Yo Stink." Beautiful.

Sean tells Olivia that he intends to be in New York every weekend from now on. Olivia is like, "Schwaaa?!?!" Olivia accuses him of wanting to stay close to Julia and she's like, "Gah just let her go!" and he's like, "Never!" and she's like, "Seirously you have to let her go," and he's like, "I. Said. Never!" and then she's like, "Shit he's going to kill me."

Roxy's on the table. Liz thinks that what Roxy's doing is retarded. Christian is like, "Have you seen Stepmom starring Susan Sarandon, Liz?" and she's like, "Yes I have, Christian," and he's like, "Well ain't no mountain gonna be higher than her titties after this," and Liz is like, "That's so awkward, Katie, seriously."

Oh wait, Christian didn't do this. This girl is crazy, clearly. But also, Christian should really just do the surgery. I mean, yeah, it's stupid, but it's her choice. It's not unheard of.

Liz and Christian smoke pot. Christian claims that the "government shit is good," and I mean, I don't know, but all's I'm gonna say is that moonshine is a lot stronger than government-regulated whiskey, so Liz is going on a date with a dude, and when he shows up, Christian is sad to see that he's blonde and not bad-looking and not a pot head. Christian is super jealous. Dude takes Liz off to his apartment to bang her all night. Then he warns Christian about the pungent aroma of marijuana whafting from his office and Christian warns Liz's date about the fact that prior to last Tuesday, Liz had been eating a lot of carpet.

Olivia on the table. Liz calls Olivia a hypocrite. Sean's like, "Olivia is worried that Julia will stop loving her, and Olivia wants to sculpt Julia's memory with her own hand. Sean has a fantasy in which Olivia talks to him while her forehead looks like an open-face meatball sandwich. It's a lot like the car scene with Clive Owen and Benicio del Torro in Sin City. In real life, Olivia goes into cardiac arrest. Liz is worried that she killed Olivia accidentally on purpose. This is going to send their insurance through the roof.

Liz and Christian read the paper like a married couple. They're just like Seth and Summer. Liz says that Steven made her come. What a gross image.

Oh awesome! Roxy cuts off her boobs with an electric knife. This is the single greatest thing that's ever happened on Nip/Tuck. It's like we got to watch Escobar's wife's boob cutting off! Yay!

Sean and Olivia wait in the real hospital waiting room. Julia is back in SuperCunt mode and she tells Sean he's a liar and a cheater, and he's like, "That's all pretty true." HOLYFUCKOLIVIAJUSTDIED. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Julia's really upset and tells Sean she hates him and threatens to sue him until he can't feel his own face anymore, and then she runs away crying.

Also I don't want to brag, but AVA award winning actress Jenna Angel is going to be at a strip club in Pittsburgh pretty soon, so while you losers are busy NOT seeing her vagina up close, I will be.

Christian, unaware that Olivia is dead and that Julia is therefore fair game, surgerizes Roxy. Liz speecifies to Christian about not having to face your fears alone. Then Sean shows up to announce that Olivia is dead, and everyone looks around and realizes that any one of them could be guilty of that murder.

Sean admits that he wanted her to die and that he had a fantasy during the surgery. Christian tries to suggest that perhaps Sean isn't really guilty of manslaughter, and Sean's like, "PS THIS IS A GREEKTRAGEDY" and Chrsitian's like, "I know, dude. Katie already said that like ten months ago." Then Christian tells Sean not to eat his fortune cookie. Also, Olivia was on anti-depressants and she didn't tell them. Ah, classic anti-depressants + anesthesia = heart attack. Julia is almost as pissed off about Sean not killing Olivia as she was about Christian not giving her AIDS. Julia's like, "Man, NYC is going to be weird without her," and Sean's like, "Stay here with meee," and she's like, "I have to spread her ashes in NYC," and Eden's like, "I'm baaaack, bitches!" and she knew about the anti-depressants. HOLYCRAPOLIVIAWASTHEONEWHOSHOTJULIA. This is like a murder mystery reveal! Maybe THAT'S why they didn't show Eden shooting her onscreen! Maybe Eden is making all this up! Maybe Olivia really did die on purpose! Maybe I should stop using exclamation points BUT I CAN'T!

HAHAHAHA Eden throws Olivia's ashes all over Julia and Sean and then takes off again. She's so fucking badass. I am in love with that girl.

Liz puts Wilbur to bed. She and Chrisitan need to get married like right now. Wilbur tells Liz that he "loooves" her, and Liz somehow manages to not melt into a giant puddle of happiness and motherhood. Instead she tells Christian that she's a lesbian who also likes him, and that she hates his pompousness and jerkiness, and the thing she hates most about him is that she doesn't hate him at all. Christian buys her a bass guitar. Liz agrees to have a symbiotic relationship with Christian in which she acts as his housekeeper. Christian is such a genius. And a gigolo.

This was the best episode of Nip/Tuck so far, for sure. Boob butchering, face lift suicides, elaborate and suspiciously ret-conny accidental attempted murder reveals, ash throwing, Wilbur talking, no Sean's ass, awesome skull-revealing surgery, AND a fantastic music video. Nip/Tuck, you have outdone yourself.