REVIEW: Archie #630

Veronica should have the Demon makeup, as she is the one with the hair to carry it off. (Plus, I think many people will agree that she would be the most interesting one to carry off Gene Simmons’ trademark tongue thing.)

Jughead should be Ace Frehley, the ethereal Celestial spaceman who could clearly eat as many hamburgers as he wanted.

Betty should be the upbeat, front-and-center Starchild (albeit one with a slightly modified upper body leotard.)

And, finally, Archie should be the Catman, both much maligned figures with bad hair.

Next issue, Reggie, Moose, Dilton and Big Ethel should dress up as GWAR.

Previously, in Archie: The unpredictable powers of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch created a portal in the middle of Riverdale that allowed monsters from an alternate reality to pour through and begin draining the fun out of town. Things seemed to be looking up when the heroic KISS (The Demon, The Celestial, The Starchild and The Beast King) arrived to fight the monsters and (for some reason) team up with the kids from Riverdale High. Sadly, their rally was short-lived as the Multiversal Monsters (Where are Frankie, Drac and Wolfie when you really need ’em) took down hero and schoolkid alike, and prepared to sacrifice Riverdale’s residents in order to feed off their awesome.

NOT-SO-GROOVY GHOULIES…

We open with Sabrina summarizing last issue: “The bad guys won.” Heh. I really enjoy the tongue-in-cheek nature of this whole arc, including the references to the KISS discography here and there (like the Dynasty amulet that powers the bad guys). The band turns on their teen partners after the ignominy of getting cracked on the head by fake monsters, KISS tells Arch and the gang to hit the bricks, leaving the kids from Riverdale in a snit, but Archie realizes that there’s still hope: “Anybody in the mood for a carnival?” There’s great iconic power in the Archie Comics house style, and Dan Parent does wonderful things within the model constraints of the cartoony main characters. What’s more, the members of KISS are believably imposing throughout, especially in the full-page shot wherein they teleport in ready to bring the pain… by LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE IT’S THEIR ROCKIN’ LAST!!! You want to tell us about the food chain, but KISS will teach us about the ROCK CHAIN! (Instead of a cow at the top, there’s like… a guitar.)

YOU GOT YOUR SUGAR SUGAR ON MY LOVE GUN!

Wow, that’s sounds dirty, doesn’t it?

Gene, Paul, Ace and Pete leap into their attack, a live performance of Rock & Roll All Nite, while the Archies cheer, but they forgot the monstrous antagonists, who quickly defeat and capture the rock stars. Archie and his friends have only one option: Take over and rock out, Donnie Kirschner-style! They quickly rework a KISS classic with their own edge, and Riverdale Rock City brings the crowd of zombified Riverdalmatians back to their senses. Meanwhile, Dilton (the brains of the outfit), Sabrina (the heart) and Kevin Keller (the fabulous) take out the villains’ power, and it’s an all-out pier-six slobberknocker! Jim Ross himself would have trouble calling all the awesome, with scalded dogs everywhere, KISS back in play, and the Monster Squad getting kicked in the nards. (Yes, Wolfman’s got nards.) The secret of the monsters is also wonderful, serving both as an explanation of the story and a great lesson for any theoretical younger readers. The only minor problem with readability was a moment during big musical number wherein I couldn’t figure out why the members of KISS had strange looks on their faces, leading me to think they were turning evil or mind-conrolled. This was, however, pretty much the only real art problem with the issue for me…

THE VERDICT:ROCK & ROLL ALL NITE & READ THIS EVERY DAY!

You should absolutely check this out. I’m not sure if Archie does TPB collections, but they really need to make an exception if you don’t. The only thing this crossover was missing was a flexidisk with the soundtrack on it, like Billy & The Boingers had that one time. Archie #630 delivers the goods on all fronts, doesn’t forget the second-stringers, and puts Kevin Keller in the makeup of The Fox, earning a darn-near perfect 4.5 out of 5 stars overall. You have to love a book like this, and the best part is, you can do it in a totally non-ironic way (seeing as the hipsters are the villains.)

Rating:

Share this:

The Author

Matthew Peterson

Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture!

5 Comments

Just a note, but they do sometimes offer collected stories to order from inside those Double Digest you find at the supermarket checkout lanes (my grandma picks one up for me now and then because I used to read Archie as a kid). When they had the storyline drawn in a different style a few years back (said to be “realistic” style), it was offered in a collected edition a few months later.

That said, I’m starting to think it won’t be too much longer and comics can play “Six Degrees of Separation” with Archie and almost any big comic universe. Between this, meeting The Punisher, and having crossed over with the Archie Comics TMNT incarnation (which crossed over with Mirage TMNT not all that long ago via an Archie TMNT Universe character appearing in that reality), it isn’t that hard already.

Teaming Archie and gang up with KISS? A comic strip without relevance to the modern world with a rock group that hasn’t been relevant for twenty or thirty years? Why not The Flintstones meet The Kingston Trio? Or Superman meets Spike Jones? I’ve always been fond of Archie, but Archie is the sort of comic you pick up on impulse at the supermarket – and guess what – they haven’t sold Archie in supermarket for about as long as KISS has been out of date – aside from the occasional “Double Digest” that shows up a random intervals. I know I keep harping on this, but instead of stupid crossovers and alternate covers, etc., how about just putting comics back into groceries stores, drug stores, etc. if they want to increase sales? I am going to go listen to some REO Speedwagon before Archie teams up with them.

I know I keep harping on this, but instead of stupid crossovers and alternate covers, etc., how about just putting comics back into groceries stores, drug stores, etc. if they want to increase sales?

Well, aside from the massive losses inherent in the current monopolistic comic book distribution system, the fact that the stores can no longer afford the price point, and the inevitable question of returnability, I think the biggest problem is that the grocery store model is inherently designed for disposable reading material (i.e., dumpbins full of the latest proven best-seller, the National Enquirer and things of that nature.)

Comics are neither fish nor fowl in that situation, and I don’t think the increased audience we’re looking for is seeking out their entertainment at the Dillons.

That said, this has been a cool story, and I think it’s a shame that people would pass it up out of cynicism…

Not so much cynicism as not being available. Don’t feel like driving 75 miles over a major mountain range in the middle of winter (and can’t afford the gas to do it) to visit a comic book store, and if I did, Archie vs. Kiss would not be high on my list. When Border shut down, lost our only local source for comics.