What’s With All The Spitting?

So I was driving to work and I go by a bus stop for high school kids and as I stopped at the stop sign there was this kid leaning with his back against the sign post and spitting. I don’t know what he was spitting but if you’re not a llama I just have to wonder what’s with all the spitting? – Don’t Get Me Started!

When I was going to high school (in the early eighties in Arizona) there was a cowboy clique. You know there was the druggie clique, the jock clique, the theatre clique (guess which one I was in) and so on. Well, the “cowboys” were actually guys who rode horses and chewed tobacco so they would walk around the campus with their jaws extended from chew (almost as much as their Wrangler jean fronts from the tightness of them). So it was not uncommon to see them spitting. Now most of these guys used cups which most of the time were the size of Big Gulps. I don’t know exactly which is grosser, the spitting or saving all the spit in a plastic cup all day long. You decide. But the thing was that even though I have never had tobacco chew in my mouth I can only assume that I would want to spit (and a lot) to try and get the taste out of my mouth (shut up, we’ve all been there – having something in our mouth that we wanted to spit out due to the taste…draw your own obscene conclusions).

But this kid at the bus stop did not seem to be chewing tobacco, I think he was just spitting for spit sake. And I’ve seen grown people spitting too. Lest you think it’s only men, it is not. I’m here to tell you that I have seen women spit as well. (True, they were white trash but they had vaginas so that makes them a woman, kids) The thing is that I just don’t get it. Does anyone think it’s an appropriate thing to do? (Obviously some do or they wouldn’t be spitting all over God’s creation marking their territory I suppose like an unneutered cat). But can we agree that somewhere in this world we should have some sort of a “manners code” to live by that includes not spitting?

I remember one time I was going into a grocery store and the person entering right in front of me was this huge guy and right before entering I heard that familiar “wind up” and then the pitch – you know the sound, “Chuuuushhhpooo!” So how could I not look down? There it was…something so green and disgusting that it looked like an Oompah Loompah wig that had come off its owner’s head after he had been dancing at a club for hours. A gelatinous globby slug-like creature that seemed to be crawling across the sidewalk all on its own having gained birth from the mucous hitting the oxygen or something. (So much for the lime Jell-O that had been on my list)

Those of us who don’t have children can’t help ourselves in thinking that we know what parents should and shouldn’t be teaching their children but this is one thing that I’m going to strongly suggest to parents. Please teach your children that it’s bad manners to spit in public, on the public at large or even the sidewalk. There’s something called a tissue and if they keep one in their pocket (I know, they’ll never remember to remove it and you’ll end up picking little pieces of tissue off of everything that it went into the washer with that load of laundry but these sacrifices must be made as parents) the tissue should be used to spit into (if absolutely necessary) and then the tissue should be put into a garbage can once it has served its purpose (if only you could dispose of certain people in your life that way, right?).

Look, I don’t expect everyone to know which fork to use but come on people can’t we all agree that the spitting thing is best left for baseball players (who chew tobacco) while making millions of dollars (and should also know better) and not us civilized folk? Or for those sixteen real cowboys who are left in the world who also chew tobacco, spitting the juices out on “the range” so who really cares anyway? Other than those two categories I can’t think of anyone who should be allowed to spit so what’s with all the spitting? – Don’t Get Me Started!