Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, February 17
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Man raped teen as she died from overdose,
texted 'LOL' to friends
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 17 in
1817 The first gaslit streetlights appeared
on the streets of Baltimore, MD.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no
news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
--- David Brinkley (1920 - 2003)
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
--- Hunter S. Thompson
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's just the opposite.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box
on a leash, down a busy street.
"Poor man," the cop thinks to himself. "I'd better go humor him."
"That' a nice dog you got there," says the cop to the old man.
"It isn't a dog, it's a box," replies the old man.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the policeman,
"I thought you were a bit touched."
The old man walks past the cop, then turns to his box, and
says, "We sure fooled him that time, didn't we, Rover?"
______________________________________________________
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, JUST LET ME!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short
time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist
to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to
Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good!
How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the grandson:
"They won't let me fart."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
From Bausell Sailor:
2 Chinese Burglars>
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Brian Roberto Varela, 19
Lynnwood,
Washington
Man raped teen as she died from overdose,
texted 'LOL' to friends
A 19-year-old Washington state man, who police say raped a high school
student as she died from a drug overdose and texted semi-nude photos
of her, has been charged with manslaughter.
Brian Roberto Varela of Lynnwood was also charged Friday in Snohomish
County Superior Court with second-degree rape and controlled substance
homicide in the death of 18-year-old Alyssa Mae Noceda.
According to court documents, Varela told detectives that Noceda
snorted Percocet and also ingested liquid marijuana before collapsing
in his room the previous weekend.
Authorities say Varela never sought help for Noceda, instead sending
semi-nude photos of her to friends and texting “LOL, I think she od’d,
still breathing.”
Authorities say his co-worker contacted police Tuesday after Varela
said he didn’t know if Noceda was still alive when he was having sex
with her. Court records say he told a friend that “she died having sex
with me.”
Police arrested Varela later that day after executing a search warrant
and finding Noceda’s body in a plastic crate at the suspect’s home.
Varela told investigators he planned to bury Noceda with onions to
minimize the odor, police said. He also told detectives that after
Noceda died, he used her thumb to unlock her phone Feb. 4 and send
messages to make it appear she had run away.
Friends of Noceda, a student at Mariner High School, held a vigil for
her on Friday with more than 100 people taking part, including her
mother.
“The night that she left, she told me, she said, ‘Mom, I love you,’”
said Gina Pierson.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Libby
Re: Not getting subscription
Dear Webby,
the web site and read the Humor Letter
so that I wouldn't miss anything.
Thanks for making that option available to your readers.
If you can give me any other options to check it would be
greatly appreciated.
Your Fan Always,
Libby
libby*****@bellsouth.net|Libby|humor
That tells me that your subscription has been sent to you
today and every day.
Well, it has been sent TOWARDS you. Once it has entered
the server of Bellsouth.net, there is nothing more that I can
do about it.
If your probems with Bellsouth persist, just get a gmail address.
You can set your gmail address to forward a copy to your
bellsouth address. That will help you pinpoint exactly where
the problem is.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine, who was sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Thanks to Allen for this story:
Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a
vacation in Colorado. So we flew to Denver and rented a car.
We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000
feet above the Arkansas River.
Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swaying in the
wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway
moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the
car across this bridge," I finally said.
"What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a
rental."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tote Bag Made from a Dog Food Bag
By KIM HOGGAN [76 Posts, 130 Comments]
Create a pretty tote bag from a dog food bag,
in just a few simple steps.
Tote Bag Made from a Dog Food Bag
By KIM HOGGAN [76 Posts, 130 Comments]
Guide Making a Tote Bag from a Dog Food Bag
Total Time: 1/2 hr. or more depending on sewing speed or if using duct
tape instead
Supplies:
dry dog or cat food bag
scissors
big thick needle with thick thread or duct tape if those aren't
available
hot glue gun to glue on ornaments or use stickers and paint
Steps:
Get any size dry dog or cat food bag.
Cut the top off and empty.
Turn bag inside out. Cut another strand off. That will become the two
handles.
(I think she means a one inch wide strip of material off the top, then
cut the loop at each side crease so that you get 2 strips)
Cut both ends so they measure equally.
Fold about an inch over inward and make a crease all around top of
tote.
Sew or apply duct tape all around top edge.
Fold over bottom of handles about 1/2 inch and sew before sewing onto
tote. Otherwise again use duct tape if you can't or don't know how to
sew.
Sew handles a few inches away from the ends.
Lastly use a glue gun to glue on ornaments, apply stickers, or paint
your tote! :)
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.comI used to make dogsled bags from the big 50 lb
bags, but put thin yellow rope into the top roll-over, and use that as
a drawstring. No electricity in the bush there in the 70`s, so I used
a hand crank Singer. Worked quite well.
They are very slippery on snow, though!
Be careful where you set them down, or you will be chasing them!
Have FUN!
DearaWebby
____________________________________________________
A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what?
I've found a great job. A 10 am start, 2 pm finish, no over-
time, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Some of Buster Keatonâ€™s Most Amazing Stunts

One day our Little niece Rita, went up to her
mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally
got her composure. She thought it was time her
daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told
Little Rita how the expression of love resulted
in the beginning of life, how life developed in
the womb and finally how a child was born. As my
sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes
got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow,
that's really neat. That sure better than what Uncle Rusty
told me. He said that he came from Toronto."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 17, in
1817 The first gaslit streetlights appeared on the streets of
Baltimore, MD.
1865 Columbia, SC, burned. The Confederates were evacuating and the
Union Forces were moving in.
1876 Julius Wolff was credited with being the first to can sardines.
1878 In San Francisco, CA, the first large city telephone exchange
opened. It had only 18 phones.
1924 Swimmer Johnny Weissmuller set a world record in the 100-yard
freestyle. He did it with a time of 57-2/5 seconds in Miami, FL.
1933 Blondie Boopadoop married Dagwood Bumstead three years after Chic
Young’s popular strip first debuted.
1934 The first high school automobile driver’s education course was
introduced in State College, PA.
1944 During World War II, the Battle of Eniwetok Atoll began. U.S.
forces won the battle on February 22, 1944.
1947 The Voice of America began broadcasting to the Soviet Union.
1992 In Milwaukee, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced to life
in prison. In November of 1994, he was beaten to death in prison.
1995 Colin Ferguson was convicted of six counts of murder in the
December 1993 Long Island Rail Road shootings. He was later sentenced
to a minimum of 200 years in prison.
1996 World chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM supercomputer
"Deep Blue" in Philadelphia, PA.
1997 Pepperdine University announced that Kenneth Starr was leaving
the Whitewater probe to take a full-time job at the school. Starr
reversed the announcement four days later.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, February 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
From Cesar:
Carnival in Rio
Woooooaauwwwww!!!!!!
You have NEVER seen anything like that!
Makes New Orleans Mardi Gras look like a brief fart in the dark by
comparison!
They have quarter mile long floats, many hundreds of beautiful dancers
dressed in jewels, jet size animated eagles and dragons, Greek
mythical figures like Neptune rising on a water jet, and so on.
The US float, just for an example has Lincoln reciting his 4 score
speech, the revolutionary war with a few dozen canons, and so on.
It will totally blow your mind.
Dont look at it when you are in a hurry! The whole parade is about an
hour long.
Thanks, Cesar!!!!!!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Men from Sturgeon Bay arrested with 3 assault
rifles in Homestead High Scool parking lot
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 16 in
1804 A raid was led by Lt. Stephen Decatur to burn the U.S. Navy
frigate Philadelphia. The ship had been taken by pirates.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
--- Steven Wright (1955 - )
I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor,
and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
--- Mary Chase (1887 - 1973)
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of
national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
--- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
After being married for twenty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K.”
She asked, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Amazing, Bright, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic,
Gorgeous, Hot.”
She felt very happy and said, “Oh my dear, that’s so lovely.
What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
"GONG" said the cast iron frying pan.
______________________________________________________
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black
bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a
businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it
very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get
and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining
stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black
size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy; "Please tell me - What do you
do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull
caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Intimidator 305, 90 miles per hour, Kings Dominion Park, Virginia
_____________________________________________________

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Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Red Skelton's Marriage Tips:
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!'
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days! .
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
'Am I too late for the garbage?'
The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Willard Hartman, 19,
Benjamin Krohn, 19,
Sturgeon Bay,
Wisconsin
Men from Sturgeon Bay arrested with 3 assault
rifles in Homestead High Scool parking lot
Two men, 19, from Sturgeon Bay, were arrested Saturday, Feb. 10 for
possession of narcotics and firearms, including three assault rifles
on the campus of Homestead High School -- according to a letter from
the Mequon-Thiensville School District Superintendent Matthew Joynt.
Willard Hartman faces 11 charges:
Possession of narcotic drugs
Possession of a firearm on the grounds of a school (five counts)
Carrying a concealed weapon (five counts)
Benjamin Krohn faces 14 charges:
Possession of narcotic drugs
Carrying a concealed weapon
Possession of a firearm on the grounds of a school (five counts)
Carrying a concealed weapon (five counts)
Possession of THC
Possession of drug paraphernalia
According to that letter, Mequon police pulled over the men's vehicle
in the Homestead High School parking lot after an officer spotted the
vehicle making an illegal U-turn on Mequon Rd. The men said they were
in Mequon "because they had a friend on the Sturgeon Bay basketball
team participating in a basketball tournament being held at the high
school."
Superintendent Joynt said in his letter to parents: "While it is
unsettling to know that strangers were on our campus over the weekend
with guns, they were not targeting anyone here or targeting our
school."
Hartman was driving, prosecutors say, and Krohn was the front-seat
passenger.
Hartman told investigators they were at Homestead watching a
basketball game "and he did not see the no U-turn sign." While
investigating, an officer noted a strong odor of burnt marijuana
coming from the vehicle and Krohn "stated he had marijuana," according
to the complaint.
Krohn was searched and a baggie with a small amount of a green, leafy
substance believed to be marijuana was found in his jacket pocket,
along with brass knuckles, which Krohn said he "uses for protection."
The complaint says "an unlocked Taurus handgun" was found on the
floorboard behind the driver's seat, and inside the case, an officer
found "a Taurus 1911 45 ACP and a magazine with six rounds of .45
caliber ammunition." In the trunk, officers found an AK-47 rifle and a
magazine, both empty, an AM-15 rifle with the chamber empty but a 30-
round magazine inserted. Additionally, a Glock was found on the front
passenger floorboard with a loaded magazine but no rounds in the
chamber, and a Kel Tec Sub 2000 was found folded with a magazine next
to it in a backpack on the rear passenger floorboard.
Prosecutors say investigators found a pill later identified as
oxycodone in a baggie inside a duffel bag and four cigar wrappers --
one with the tobacco removed and no paper. They also found a green,
leafy substance in the backpack which tested positive for THC.
The complaint says Krohn said they'd gone to Homestead to see a friend
play basketball and he admitted to smoking marijuana in the parking
lot. He said the firearms belonged to him and he "brought them with in
case he wanted to trade or sell them to someone."
Hartman and Krohn made their initial appearances in court on Feb. 12.
Cash bond was set at $5,000. A status hearing was set for March 6.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Lee
Re: Links not working
Dear Webby,
When someone sends me an e-mail with a link,and I click
on the link nothing happins.I am a novis on computers.
What should I do to correct this problem.
Thank you in advance.
Lee
Dear Lee
There could be many reasons for that, but probably you have
pop-ups blocked.
First try holding down CTRL and double clicking the link.
If still nothing happens, then the link probably has a typo in it.
Tell whoever sent it to you, that the link does not work.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked
in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped
up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock
over a lamp and chew on the cushions.
The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't
you think you should train your dog a little better?"
"My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought it was your dog!"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Bob has been playing golf for years, and he has the finest
equipment, but his technique has never improved a bit. As his
friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he
drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a
new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.
Bob replied: "Where do you buy old balls?"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Felt Fortune Cookies
By attosa [526 Posts, 2,812 Comments]
The best part of opening a fortune cookie is receiving your paper
fortune, so these felt versions can save you from ingesting too many
cookies! They can be reused, too, so this is a great craft for
Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year, and many other celebrations.
Total Time: 45 minutes
Yield: 5 fortune cookies
Supplies:
pieces of felt
ring of masking tape
pencil
scissors
pipe cleaners
hot glue gun
plain white paper
pen
Steps:
Place the ring of masking tape on top of a piece of felt. Trace around
the ring with a pencil.
Cut out the circle of felt.
Repeat with other pieces of felt.
Lay a piece of pipe cleaner over the circle and cut it so it's just a
bit shorter than the diameter of the circle.
Fold the circle in half to make an indentation at the halfway point.
Unfold and use the indentation as a guide to lay down a thin line of
hot glue all the way across.
Lay a piece of pipe cleaner on top of the hot glue. Press down to
secure. Repeat with all the circles.
While the glue dries, cut out little strips of white paper shorter
than the diameter of the felt circles.
Handwrite your messages onto the strips of paper.
To shape the circle into a fortune cookie, first fold it in half.
Angle the two sides toward each other, bending the wire at its halfway
point.
Flip over to see the puffier side.
Gently peel back one flap of the cookie and insert a fortune.
Close back up. They are ready to go!
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Thanks to Fred for this story:
Driving with my son for the first time since he got his permit,
I was pleased to see how well he was handling the busy
road we were traveling. Then, just past a traffic light, the
lanes shifted, and he was straddling the dotted line
dividing them.
"Get into your own lane!" I yelled urgently.
He looked at me in bewilderment. "Which one's mine?"

The Intricate Craft of Using Human Hair for Jewelry, Art, and Decoration

Groan Alert:
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ
in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 16, in
1804 A raid was led by Lt. Stephen Decatur to burn the U.S. Navy
frigate Philadelphia. The ship had been taken by pirates.
1857 The National Deaf Mute College was incorporated in Washington,
DC. It was the first school in the world for advanced education of the
deaf. The school was later renamed Gallaudet College.
1862 During the U.S. Civil War, about 14,000 Confederate soldiers
surrendered to Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson, TN.
1868 The Jolly Corks organization, in New York City, changed it name
to the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks (BPOE).
1914 The first airplane flight between Los Angeles and San Francisco
took place.
1918 Lithuania proclaimed its independence.
1923 Howard Carter unsealed the burial chamber of Egyptian Pharaoh
Tutankhamen. The next day he entered the chamber with several invited
guests. He had originally found the tomb on November 4, 1922.
1932 The first fruit tree patent was issued to James E. Markham for a
peach tree which ripens later than other varieties.
1937 Wallace H. Carothers received a patent for nylon. Carothers was a
research chemist for Du Pont.
1938 The U.S. Federal Crop Insurance program was authorized.
1945 During World War II, U.S. troops landed on the island of
Corregidor in the Philippines.
1946 The first commercially designed helicopter was tested in
Connecticut.
1948 NBC-TV began airing its first nightly newscast, "The Camel
Newsreel Theatre", which consisted of Fox Movietone newsreels.
1858 The first ironing board was patented by William Vandenburg and
James Harvey.
1959 Fidel Castro seized power in Cuba after the overthrow of
President Fulgencio Batista.
1960 The U.S.S. Triton began the first circumnavigation of the globe
under water. The trip ended on May 10.
1968 In the U.S., the first 911 emergency telephone system was
inaugurated in Haleyville, AL.
1970 Joe Frazier began his reign as the undefeated heavyweight world
champion when he knocked out Jimmy Ellis in five rounds. He lost the
title on January 22, 1973, when he lost for the first time in his
professional career to George Foreman.
1972 Wilt Chamberlain (Los Angeles Lakers) reached the 30,000-point
mark in his NBA career during a game against the Phoenix Suns.
1985 "Kojak" returned to network television after an absence of seven
years with the CBS-TV special, "Kojak: The Belarus File."
1987 John Demjanjuk went on trial in Jerusalem. He was accused of
being "Ivan the Terrible", a guard at the Treblinka concentration
camp. He was convicted, but the Israeli Supreme Court overturned the
ruling when tghe real Ivan showed up.
1989 Investigators in Lockerbie, Scotland, announced that a bomb
hidden inside a radio-cassette player was the reason that Pan Am
Flight 103 was brought down the previous December. All 259 people
aboard and 11 on the ground were killed.
1999 A bomb exploded at the government headquarters in Uzbekistan.
Gunfire followed the incident. The event apparently was an attempt on
the life of President Islam Karimov.
1999 Kurds seized embassies and held hostages across Europe following
Turkey's arrest of Kurdish rebel leader Abdullah Ocalan.
1999 Testimony began in the Jasper, TX, trial of John William King. He
was charged with murder in the gruesome dragging death of James Byrd
Jr. King was later convicted and sentenced to death.
2002 The operator of a crematory in Noble, GA, was arrested after
dozens of corpses were found stacked in storage sheds and scattered
around in the surrounding woods.
2005 The Kyoto global warming pact went into effect in 140 nations.
2005 The NHL announced the cancellation of the 2004-2005 season due to
a labor dispute. It was the first time a major sports league in North
America lost an entire season to a labor dispute.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, February 15
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
California killers identified by 19-year-old
victim’s last words
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 15 in
2002 U.S. President George W. Bush approved Nevada's Yucca Mountain as
a site for long-term disposal of radioactive nuclear waste.
Obama stopped that project, so that the US does not have any long
term storage facility.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

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please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life.
--- Robertson Davies
Before a war military science seems a real science,
like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.
--- Rebecca West
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
Taxis stop for us.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
______________________________________________________
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization
has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over
a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair
and cream on her face, and she nags at him for a day.
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

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Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an
old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.
The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do
you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time
your friend comes up to smell the flowers."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Daniel Gross, Age 19, Modesto, CA
Melissa Leonardo, Age 25, Modesto, CA
Both suspects are in custody at Santa Rita Jail.
California killers identified by 19-year-old
victim’s last words
Officials have identified two people that were arrested Monday in the
brutal stabbing death of 19-year-old Lizette Cuesta in Livermore,
California.
Daniel Gross and Melissa Leonardo, both of Modesto, are suspected of
stabbing Cuesta several times and leaving her body on Tesla Road in
Livermore.
Cuesta was flown to a nearby hospital, where she died. Investigators
say Cuesta used her final words to identify her killers.
“This victim really tried to survive, and she fought and she fought,”
said Sgt. Ray Kelly with the Alameda County Sheriff’s Office. “The
last thing, we believe, that she was able to do was to point us in the
direction of the people that killed her. And that’s pretty
remarkable.”
Richard Loadholt was carpooling to work with three other friends for
an early shift at UPS when they found Cuesta. He told KTXL the young
woman was in such bad shape he couldn’t make out the color of her
hair.
“She laid down for almost three minutes at one period, and we told her
to get up. She knew she had to get up and I commend that,” he said.
Friend Alex Yanez tells KTXL that Cuesta was a very positive woman and
a determined skateboarder.
“Guys would fall just as hard and not get back up the rest of the day.
She would fall and get right back up and try it,” Yanez said. “If she
wanted that trick bad enough she would get it.”
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: David
Re: gmail
Dear Webby,
I writing to ask if you could send me a full version of today's
picture. I want to set that as my desktop.
I also want to tell your subscribers about gmail. I've had gmail
since June of 2005 and I haven't missed a single issue of the Humor
Letter, or any other correspondence, with gmail. They have plenty of
features including tons of storage.
The gmail notifier lets me know when I get a new message and their
spam blocker sends the spam to another folder so I can decide what I
do and do not want to read.
It also has an easy way for you to set it up with Eudora or Outlook
Express or any other email reader. I've had hotmail and yahoo email
accounts but gmail is the best I've used.
David
Dear David
The big picture is at
http://webby.com/humor/i/BeMyValentine-L.jpg
You can usually get the big picture by clicking on it.
And I will gladly feature your comment about gmail.
I had the same good experience with it. I mainly use it to
test HOW the Humor Letter looks on gmail, and gmail
has worked fine every day.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Groan Alert!
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket
clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently
missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the
scale and was gone.
The checker looked distressed, so the woman said,
"That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now."
"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.
"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go
when they die."
"Only the redeemed ones!", said the checker.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he sold
a new car to a little old lady, some 75 years of age, who had
previously resisted his sales pitch. Elated over his success, he
asked her, as he was filling out the necessary papers, what had
finally made her choose his car.
"Well," she said, "I visited four dealers and mentioned your car to
all of them. They all agreed on one thing - that your car has the
fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market. That was good
enough for me."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Sawdust Floor Sweeping Compound
Use this recipe to help keep dust down when sweeping your
basement garage or workshop. Mix 6 cups sawdust,
2 cups rock salt, and 1 1/2 cups mineral oil and put it
in a jar with a lid for storage. To use, sprinkle it on your
floor before sweeping.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran
up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He
became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar
job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for
leaving his previous position.
In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree
with me."

Light pillars over Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada

The Pope is visiting Washington, DC and President Trump
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the
Presidential yacht.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's
hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but President Trump
waves them off, saying,
"Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Trump then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and
walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks
it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard.
He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the headlines on CNN and in the
AOL/New York Times, Boston Globe, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal,
Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal,
Los Angeles Times and the San Francisco Chronicle proclaim:
"Trump Can't Swim", followed by numerous pages of what every
Democratic politician has to say about that.
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 15, in
1758 Mustard was advertised for the first time in America.
1764 The city of St. Louis was established.
1799 Printed ballots were authorized for use in elections in the state
of Pennsylvania.
1842 Adhesive postage stamps were used for the first time by the City
Dispatch Post (Office) in New York City.
1879 U.S. President Hayes signed a bill that allowed female attorneys
to argue cases before the U.S. Supreme Court.
1898 The USS Maine sank when it exploded in Havana Harbor for unknown
reasons. More than 260 crew members were killed.
1900 The British threaten to use natives in their war with the Boers.
1903 Morris and Rose Michtom, Russian immigrants, introduced the first
teddy bear in America.
1933 U.S. President-elect Franklin Roosevelt escaped an assination
attempt in Miami. Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak was killed in the
attack.
1942 During World War II, Singapore surrendered to the Japanese.
1961 A Boeing 707 crashed in Belgium killing 73 people.
1962 CBS-TV bought the exclusive rights to college football games from
the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) for a figure of
$10,200,000.
1965 Canada displayed its new red and white maple leaf flag. The flag
was to replace the old Red Ensign standard.
1982 During a storm, the Ocean Ranger, a drilling rig, sank off the
coast of Newfoundland. 84 men were killed.
1985 The Center for Disease Control reported that more than half of
all nine-year-olds in the U.S. showed no sign of tooth decay.
1989 After nine years of intervention, the Soviet Union announced that
the remainder of its troops had left Afghanistan.
1991 The leaders of Czechoslovakia, Hungary and Poland signed the
Visegard agreement, in which they pledged to cooperate in transforming
thier countties to free-market economies.
1995 The FBI arrested Kevin Mitnick and charged him with cracking
security in some of the nation's most protected computers. He served
five years in jail.
2002 U.S. President George W. Bush approved Nevada's Yucca Mountain as
a site for long-term disposal of radioactive nuclear waste.
Obama stopped that project, so that the US does not have any long
term storage facility.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, February 14
Happy Valentines Day!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Car thief called owner for help in starting vehicle
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 14 in
1876 Alexander Graham Bell filed an application for a patent
for the telephone. It was officially issued on March 7, 1876.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.
--- Edmund Wilson (1895 - 1972)
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy
merely to be normal.
--- Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
From Donny:
Husband’s Text Message:
“Honey, car hit me when I was out of the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They're doing tests
and X-rays. I had a blow to my head, very strong,
fortunately it did not cause serious injury, but I have
three broken ribs, a compound fracture in my left leg
and they may have to amputate right foot."
Wife’s Response: “Who’s Paula?"
______________________________________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, children,
if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into
it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the class said together.
Then he asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright,
in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Little Johnny loved surfing the Web, and kept track of his
passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. His mother
noticed his Disney password was, "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,"
and asked why it was so long.
And little Johnny said, "Because, they said
it has to have at least four characters."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Edward Leroy Wilson,
ST. CLOUD,
Minnesota
Car thief called owner for help in starting vehicle
A thief who had trouble restarting the car he had just stolen actually
called the vehicle's owner for help.
Edward Leroy Wilson stole the car outside a Minneapolis Walmart on
Monday after the owner used an auto-starter from inside the store.
When the owner went outside, the car was gone and about an hour away
at that time.
USA Today reports later that night, the owner received a call from a
woman who said a man was asking about the car. Wilson then got on the
phone and identified himself as an employee at a glass repair shop.
Wilson said he had parked the car, but was unable to restart it and
asked the owner to contact someone who could.
Police responded to the scene of a suspicious person and found Wilson
and the stolen car.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Rob A
Re: Hidden Pictures in WORD
Dear Webby,
I understand from my wife that you answer computer problem
questions. She speaks highly of you so I thought I would
pose a question that I need answered in the worst way...
About a week ago I was putting together a letter in Microsoft
Word using many pictures. I had pasted in 9 pictures when
I clicked on an item in one of the tool bars and instantly the
pictures disappeared and in their place were 9 rectangular
outlines the size of each picture. Unfortunately, I cannot
recall what I clicked on nor exactly where it is located.
I have hunted and hunted through the tools to try to restore
the pictures but to no avail.
Since then I have tried pasting in new pictures on a new
Word "sheet" and guess what I get...a rectangle box instead.
The box is composed of four connected perpendicular lines
and when I click in the center of the "box" the box disappears
and I get eight black dots in it's place. I believe what I originally
clicked on was an on/off switch of some kind and all that
needs to happen is to click on it again to correct the situation.
If you know how to restore my pictures or know of someone
who does, please tell me. {I have no desire to contact
Microsoft because of their high and mighty attitude.}
Thanks for your willingness to help others,
Dear Rob
Wire frames or placeholders are rarely used while writing,
but really speed up scrolling while proofreading books or
searching for something in a lengthy e-book or article.
To turn the wire frames off and reveal pictures,
Click on TOOLS
Options
View
take the checkmark off "Picture Placeholders"
hit OK
Your pictures will show again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other,
"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend,
"You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon
another drunk walking so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at
them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near
Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp,
he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.
The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got
in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a
community service by giving the driver his chicken.
So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the
bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says,
"No thanks, I just bought some."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Protecting Waxed Floors
Prolong the life of waxed floors by using a dust mop instead
of a broom. Broom bristles are harder on the wax than a
soft dust mop.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Thanks to Amber Rose for this report:
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother, a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little himself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes,
no matter whether she tells him about them or not
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

How would you like to take a vacation here?

An Australian bank officer heard the following explanation
for a farmer's money troubles:
He said, "It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds
to dollars, me bloomin' overdraft doubled. Then they brought in
kilograms instead of pounds and me wool clip dropped by half.
Then they changed rain to millimeters and we haven't had a inch
of rain since. They brought in Celsius and it never got over 40;
no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow. Then they changed acres to
hectares and I ended up with half the land I had. By that time,
I'd had it and decided to sell out. I got the place in the agent's
hands and they changed from miles to kilometers. Now, I'm too
far out of town for anyone to buy the stinking place."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 14, in
1778 The Stars and Stripes was carried to a foreign port, in France,
for the first time. It was aboard the American ship Ranger.
1803 Moses Coates received a patent for the apple parer.
1849 The first photograph of a U.S. President, while in office, was
taken by Matthew Brady in New York City. President James Polk was the
subject of the picture.
1876 Alexander Graham Bell filed an application for a patent for the
telephone. It was officially issued on March 7, 1876.
1889 In Los Angeles, CA, oranges began their first trip to the east.
1899 The U.S. Congress approved voting machines for use in federal
elections.
1900 Russia imposed tighter imperial control over Finland in response
to an international petition for Finland's freedom.
1900 In South Africa, British Gen. Roberts invaded Orange Free State
with 20,000 troops.
1912 The first diesel engine submarine was commissioned in Groton, CT.
1920 The League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago. The first
president of the organization was Maude Wood Park.
1929 The "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in Chicago, IL.
Seven gangsters who were rivals of Al Capone were killed.
1932 The U.S. won the first bobsled competition at the Winter Olympic
Games at Lake Placid, NY.
1940 The first porpoise born in captivity arrived at Marineland in
Florida.
1945 Peru, Paraguay, Chile and Ecuador joined the United Nations.
1946 ENIAC (Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer) was
unveiled. The device, built at the University of Pennsylvania, was the
world's first general purpose electronic computer.
1961 Lawrencium, element 103, was first produced in Berkely, CA.
1962 U.S. First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy gave a tour of the White House
on television.
1979 Adolph Dubs, the U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, was kidnapped in
Kabul by Muslim extremists. He was killed in a shootout between his
abductors and police.
1983 A 6-year-old boy became the first person to receive a heart and
liver transplants in the same operation.
1985 Cable News Network (CNN) reporter Jeremy Levin was freed. He had
been held in Lebanon by extremists.
1989 Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini called on Muslims to kill Salman
Rushdie because of his novel "The Satanic Verses."
1989 The first satellite of the Global Positioning System was placed
into orbit around Earth.
1989 Union Carbide agreed to pay $470 million to the government of
India. The court-ordered settlement was a result of the 1984 Bhopal
gas leak disaster.
1997 Astronauts on the space shuttle Discovery began a series of
spacewalks that were required to overhaul the Hubble Space Telescope.
1998 U.S. authorities officially announced that Eric Rudolph was a
suspect in a bombing of an abortion clinic in Alabama.
2002 Sylvester Stallone filed a lawsuit against Kenneth Starr. The
suit alleged that Starr had given bad advice about selling Planet
Hollywood stock.
2003 In Madrid, Spain, a ceramic plate with a bullfighting motif
painted by Pablo Picasso in 1949 was stolen from an art show. The
plate was on sale for $12,400.
2005 The video-sharing website YouTube was activated.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, February 13
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Indonesian Navy seized over a ton of crystal meth
that smugglers attempted to disguise in bags of rice
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 13 in
1945 At the end of World War II, Allied aircraft began bombing the
German city of Dresden. Thousabds of bomnbers for three days
reduced the city to rubble. The strategically unimportant city was
filled with refugees from the Russian front, and the idea was that
those refugees would tell the tale of psychologigal warfare throughout
Germany. However, after about 200,000 - 500,000 people had been
killed, there was nobody left to tell the tale. Even 20 years later
most Europeans had not heard about it yet.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
The people I distrust most are those who want to improve
our lives but have only one course of action.
--- Frank Herbert (1920 - 1986)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A missionairy discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who
had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage.
The missionairy soon rectified the situation by baptizing
everyone. He also married every beaming couple that
walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the missionairy the tribe had
never had so much fun.
The missionairy asked the chief which part they enjoyed
the most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.
"We all got new wives!"
______________________________________________________
A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He
decided to test it at dinner:
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school
(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay, okay, I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter
(robot slaps the son again!)
Okay Alright, I was watching porno.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porno is!
(robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mom a hot dirty slap)
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US
were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate
fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy,
one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
4 Indonesian dope smugglers
No names, they will be hanged shortly anyway.
Indonesian Navy seized over a ton of crystal meth
that smugglers attempted to disguise in bags of rice
The MV Sunrise Glory was intercepted by a navy boat patrolling the
Phillip Channel between Singapore and Batam.
It was flying the flag of Singapore but the crew changed it for the
Indonesian one as the military vessel approached. When the boat was
taken to Batam for inspection, 1,029 kilograms (2268 pounds) of
crystal methamphetamine were found stashed inside 41 sacks of rice.
Navy deputy chief Vice Admiral Achmad Taufiqoerrochman said ‘Last
night we discovered more than one tonne of crystal meth and the amount
might increase because we have not finished checking everything.’
Four crew members were arrested and the men told their captors that
they had planned on taking the drugs to Australia. Indonesia has some
of the toughest anti-drugs laws in the world, including capital
punishment for traffickers.
Officials initially suspected that the Taiwanese fishing boat was a
part of a drug syndicate wanted by the Indonesian military. As well as
the huge stash of drugs, at least four different national flags and
fake documents were found on board, prompting suspicion that the
vessel was a ‘phantom ship’ which changes its name and flag depending
on which country’s waters it is sailing in to avoid detection.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Sandie
Re: Screensaver password
Dear Webby,
Can you tell us all how to set up a screen saver password...
I can't seem to find the exact spot to do it... My laptop
sits unattended a lot, and I don't want anyone to access
it while it is not being used.... I am sure a lot of new people
would need this info as well. Keep up the great Humor Letter,
it is the best on line....
Sandie
Dear Sandie
If your "on resume, password protect" box n the screen saver
set-up window shows "on resume, display welcome screen" box,
try this:
1. Log on to the computer as an administrator.
2. Click Start, click Control Panel, and then click User Accounts.
3. Click Change the way users log on or off.
4. Deselect the "Use the Welcome screen" check box, and the
5) Deselect "Use Fast User Switching" check box
6.) Click OK and exit User Accounts.
You may have to log off and reboot for the change to become
effective.
Sometimes you can also set that in the screen saver setup screen.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
John was driving home late one night when he picked up
a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be
suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his
wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the
seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand
over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John
drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his
wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying,
"Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet
at home this morning?

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was
full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed
to work with the new employee, even though he had been
warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the
job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in
sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee
separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally
a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the
young man to come into his office at the end of the day.
He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud
of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow,
I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment.
"How can you possibly do better?"
The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow,
I am going to read the addresses."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning the Chimney
If you have a fireplace or wood burning stove, it is the
time of year to have your chimney cleaned and inspected.
Keeping your chimney maintained can help increase the
efficiency of your stove and also helps prevent chimney fires.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband
asked his wife if she had bought prmium or regular gas, but
she couldn't remember.
"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could
account for the engine running so rough."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.
"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.
"It cost the same as always." said the wife.
"I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

Check out this man's beautiful wood carvings.

The very frugal business manager was checking on the
travel expenses of his salesmen, when he began to mutter,
then yell.
One of the salesmen worked up his courage and came
over to ask the boss what was wrong.
"Look at this crook's travel expenses," the boss said.
"How could he possibly spend forty dollars a day for
meals in that small town in Ohio?"
"It's easy," explained the salesman cheerfully.
"All you have to do is skip breakfast."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 13, in
1542 Catherine Howard was executed for adultery. She was the fifth
wife of England's King Henry VIII.
1633 Galileo Galilei arrived in Rome for trial before the Inquisition.
1741 "The American Magazine," the first magazine in the U.S., was
published in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
1880 Thomas Edison observed what became known as the Edison Effect for
the first time. The "Edison effect" was the name given to a phenomenon
that Edison observed in 1875 and refined later, in 1883, while he was
trying to improve his new incandescent lamp. The effect was that, in a
vacuum, electrons flow from a heated element -- like an incandescent
lamp filament -- to a cooler metal plate.
1900 The Anglo-German accord of 1899 was ratified by Reichstag, in
which Britain renounced rights in Samoa in favor of Germany and the
U.S.
1914 The American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (known
as ASCAP) was formed in New York City. The society was founded to
protect the copyrighted musical compositions of its members.
1920 The League of Nations recognized the continued neutrality of
Switzerland.
1935 In Flemington, New Jersey, a jury found Bruno Richard Hauptmann
guilty of the kidnapping and death of the infant son of Charles and
Anne Lindbergh. Hauptmann was later executed for the crimes.
1937 The comic strip "Prince Valiant" appeared for the first time.
1945 At the end of World War II, the Soviets captured Budapest,
Hungary, from the German army.
1945 At the end of World War II, Allied aircraft began bombing the
German city of Dresden. Thousabds of bomnbers for three days reduced
the city to rubble. The strategically unimportant city was filled with
refugees from the Russian front, and the idea was that those refugees
would tell the tale of psychologigal warfare throughout Germany.
However, after about 200,000 - 500,000 people had been killed, there
was nobody left to tell the tale. Even 20 years later most Europeans
had not heard about it yet.
1955 Israel acquired 4 of the 7 Dead Sea scrolls.
1960 France detonated its first atomic bomb.
1965 Sixteen-year-old Peggy Fleming won the ladies senior figure
skating title at Lake Placid, NY.
1971 South Vietnamese troops invaded Laos. They were backed by U.S.
air and artillery support.
1984 Konstantin Chernenko was chosen to be general secretary of the
Soviet Communist Party's Central Committee, succeeding the late Yuri
Andropov.
1990 In Ottawa, the United States and its European allies forged an
agreement with the Soviet Union and East Germany on a two-stage
formula to reunite Germany.
1991 Hundreds of Iraqis were killed by two laser-guided bombs that
destroyed an underground facility in Baghdad. U.S. officials
identified the facility as a military installation, but Iraqi
officials said it was a bomb shelter.
1997 Astronauts on the space shuttle Discovery brought the Hubble
Space Telescope aboard for a tune up. The tune up allowed the
telescope to see further into the universe.
1997 The Dow Jones industrial average passed the 7,000 mark for the
first time. The day ended at 7,022.44.
1999 A bomb exploded just outside a government-owned bank in southern
Kosovo. Nine people were killed.
2000 Charles M. Schulz's last original Sunday "Peanuts" comic strip
appeared in newspapers. Schulz had died the day before.
2001 El Savador was hit with an earthquake that measured 6.6 on the
Richter Scale. At least 400 people were killed.
2002 In Alexandria, VA, John Walker Lindh pled innocent to a 10-count
federal indictment. He was charged with conspiring to kill Americans
and aiding Osama bin Laden's terrorist network.
2002 Former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani received an honorary
knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II.
2008 Hollywood writers ended a 100-day strike.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, February 12
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman jailed for helping boyfriend to rape
schoolgirl twice. He has been jailed too.
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 12 in
1973 The State of Ohio went metric, becoming the first in the
U.S. to post metric distance signs.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.
--- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from
catching the complaint a second time.
--- Honore de Balzac (1799 - 1850)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Captain Martin for this story:
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1965.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the EAST to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are in a lighthouse on solid rock.
Your call.
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Clarissa for this story:
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled
in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out
completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered . "We can spend one week in
my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I
can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little
boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the
father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies?
When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg,
I'm going to step on it!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Mandarin Duck, similar, but not the same as the Wood Duck.
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
ENGLISH EDUCATION AT ITS FINEST
Following questions and answers were collated from last
year's British GCSE exams(16 year olds)!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well
endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to
his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Statistics.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is the red light district in Rome.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Gemma Hill, 33,
Stephen Arnopp,40,
Hatfield,
England
Woman jailed for helping boyfriend to rape
schoolgirl twice. He has been jailed too.
A woman has been jailed after she helped a man to rape a girl under
the age of 13 twice. Gemma Hill, 33, exchanged messages with
boyfriend, Stephen Arnopp, in which they discussed how he would rape
the girl.
They were also found to have plotted the rape of a nine year old girl.
Arnopp was jailed for 11 years for abusing and twice raping the girl
under 13 in Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire, and his victim’s
underwear was found at his home. Hill, from Hatfield, was jailed for
six years because she told the girl not to report the attacks to
police. However, the girl told teachers and the authorities were
informed.
Judge Marie Catterson, who said Hill had an ‘extremely low’ IQ, said
the victim had suffered ‘incalculable’ long-terms effects likely to be
‘difficult and profound’ after the pair admitted all charges against
them. Sentencing Hill, she said: ‘You were evasive, pretending you
knew nothing.’
She said Arnopp’s abuse required ‘sustained and significant planning’
and it was fortunate the pair were arrested before attacking the
second girl. The judge made a Sexual Harm Prevention Order banning the
pair from contacting the victims and from living in a house or having
any unsupervised contact with girls under the age of 18. Both
defendants pleaded guilty to the charges against them. Arnopp was
given two concurrent 40-month sentences for two counts of conspiracy
to commit sexual activity with a child under 13 and was jailed for
eight years consecutively for two counts of raping a child under 13.
He was also sentenced to one count of inciting and one count of
causing a child to engage in sexual activity, receiving four months
concurrent to his other sentences and received eight months, also
concurrent, for sexual activity with a child under 13. Hill received
two concurrent four and a half-year sentences for two counts of
conspiracy to commit sexual activity with a child under 13 and a
consecutive 18 month sentence for cruelty to a person under 16.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Anton
Re: Instant messengers
Dear Webby,
Which Instant Messenger is best and which one is the
safest?
Thanks
Anton
Dear Anton
Skype, free from http://skype.com, is by far the Best,
and also the safest. Both it's text and also it's Voice
over IP phone calls to other Skype users or to regular
land line telephones and cellphones are thoroughly
encrypted, it's file transfers are smooth and uncomplicated
and fast, and it's log is solid and reliable.
I have used Instant Messenger programs for business
purposes since 94, and for serious business use, there
is no other IM program that can match it.
Another important consideration is user base.
There are always going to be some snooty newbies, who use only the
newest, unproven messenger, and demand that you change over to
whatever they favor this week. If they are important enough to you,
you can always run those beside Skype.
Sooner or later they will get fed up with their new and unproven
messenger, or the fact, that very few people use it.
With Skype you know that it works to any country, and even though the
goofs at Microsoft keep messing with the looks, it has been working
well for 20 years, and there are Millions of users.
You can even call landlines with it and wake somebody up, or do free
video conferencing even on slow connections. On fast connections
Google Hangout may have occasionally much better video, but if one
side has a slow or erratic connection, it is useless, and you have to
switch to Skype.
I use Skype for tech support for about 20 years now. It works fine.
And once a day I do five - ten minutes of video with my dad in
Austria. He is 95 and does not like typing anymore, but sitting back
and talking and watching on video works very well. We do it his time
at 8 PM and my time at noon, every day.
Unlike most messenger programs, the Skype window is not nailed down on
prime space. You can move it out of the way, even onto a second
monitor, and squish it or spread it to whatever size is best at that
time.
With Skype you don`t have to have a browser open and on a certain page
like the thilly and primitive FaceBook messenger. People can call you
even if you are working on a spreadsheet or document and have no
browser open.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
I'm a chaplain at the County senior citizens' home.
The other day I saw a 96-year-old lady knitting a sweater
for her granddaughter.
"What kind of material are you using?" I asked.
"She said, "Virgin wool."
"Where do you get that," I asked.
"Ugly sheep," she smiled.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump
one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive
wearing dark glasses, carrying a white can and holding a
seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind
man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation,
expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then,
curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is
getting close?"
"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Herbal Tea Facial Steamer
Try this facial steamer to help wash dirt that builds up in
your pores. Boil 1/2 quart of water. Then put two chamomile
tea bags (or a handful of dried chamomile flowers) in a
bowl and pour the boiling water over them. Put one towel
under the bowl and another over your head. Lean over the
bowl and breath in the chamomile. If it gets too hot, let
steam escape by lifting up the towel. Steam your face for
5 to 10 minutes.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Thanks to Bunny for this:
There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs
on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that
she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-m-m, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle
today."
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.

People are Awesome! Best of the month (January 2018)

From Mark
Dear Webby
Thanks for the blog! It makes it so much easier to look up
previous days when I come back to the office.
Thanks
Mark
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 12, in
1541 The city of Santiago, Chile was founded.
1554 Lady Jane Grey was beheaded after being charged with treason. She
had claimed the throne of England for only nine days.
1733 Savannah, GA, was founded by English colonist James Oglethorpe.
1870 In the Utah Territory, women gained the right to vote.
1878 Frederick W. Thayer patented the baseball catcher’s mask.
1879 The first artificial ice rink opened in North America. It was at
Madison Square Garden in New York City, NY.
1880 The National Croquet League was organized in Philadelphia, PA.
1892 In the U.S., President Lincoln's birthday was declared to be a
national holiday.
1907 A collision of the steamer Larchmont and a schooner resulted in
the death of more than 300 people. The incident occurred off New
England's Block Island.
1909 The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People
(NAACP) was founded.
1912 China's boy emperor Hsuan T'ung announced that he was abdicating,
ending the Manchu Ch'ing dynasty. Subsequently, the Republic of China
was established.
1918 All theatres in New York City were shut down in an effort to
conserve coal for WWI.
1924 U.S. President Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential
political speech on radio.
1924 "The Eveready Hour" became radio’s first sponsored network
program. The National Carbon Company was the first sponsor of a
network show.
1940 Mutual Radio presented the first broadcast of the radio play "The
Adventures of Superman."
1971 James Cash (J.C.) Penney died at the age of 95. The company
closed for business for one-half day as a memorial to the company's
founder.
1973 The State of Ohio went metric, becoming the first in the U.S. to
post metric distance signs.
1973 American prisoners of war were released for the first time during
the Vietnam conflict.
1993 In Liverpool, England, a 2-year-old boy, James Bulger, was lured
away from his mother at a shopping mall and beaten to death. Two ten-
year-old boys were responsible.
1998 A U.S. federal judge declared that the presidential line-item
veto was unconstitutional.
1999 U.S. President Clinton was acquitted by the U.S. Senate on two
impeachment articles. The charges were perjury and obstruction of
justice.
2001 The space probe NEAR landed on the asteroid Eros. It was the
first time that any craft had landed on a small space rock.
2002 Kenneth Lay, former Enron CEO, exercised his constitutional
rights and refused to testify to the U.S. Congress about the collapse
of Enron.
2002 The trial of former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic began
at the U.N. tribunal in The Hague. Milosevic was accused of war crimes
during the Balkan wars of the 1990s.
2002 Pakistan charged three men in connection with the kidnapping of
Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl in Karachi.
2002 Princess Stephanie of Monaco and Franco Knie won a defamation-of-
character lawsuit against the Swiss magazine "Facts." The case
involved a photomontage created by the magazine.
2003 The U.N. nuclear agency declared North Korea in violation of
international treaties. The complaint was sent to the Security
Council.
2004 Mattel announced that "Barbie" and "Ken" were breaking up. The
dolls had met on the set of their first television commercial together
in 1961.
2013 North Korea conducted its third underground nuclear test.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, February 11
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Inmate’s Weave Hid Coke, Meth, 78 Doses Of LSD
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 11 in
1812 The term "gerrymandering" had its beginning when the governor of
Massachusetts, Elbridge Gerry, signed a redistricting law that favored
his party.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is
trying to please everybody.
--- Bill Cosby (1937 - )
There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring:
Impatience and Laziness.
--- Franz Kafka (1883 - 1924)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Three pastors from different congregations were having
lunch and sharing experiences and ideas to help each other
out with their different fellowships.
After several minutes of animated conversation, the first
one remarks, "Hey, you know, we've got a serious problem
at our church that I want to discuss with you guys."
The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats.
We can't seem to get these bats out of our attic. The
singing and organ playing wake them up, and they start
flapping around. Then when I start to preach, we can
still hear them moving around up there and it's really
hard for anyone to pay any attention. The kids start to
cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way
of a good church service."
The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because
we've had the same problem, they won't stay out of our
belfry. We've tried ringing the bells at all hours,
spraying chemicals, we've even had a couple of
exterminator companies out. Nothing's worked yet." He
throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head.
The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly.
"Well, gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago,
and we found a quick solution." he says. The other two
pastors look up with hope on their faces, and he goes on,
"It was easy. We got up there, got to know 'em a little
bit. Pretty soon we had them come on down, got 'em
baptized, made them part of the congregation and
asked for donations. Haven't seen 'em since."
______________________________________________________
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at
an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby,
"would that supposed to be if it had turned out?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is
supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Keep trying," snapped the little old lady,
"you are not even close yet!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Newport, Rhode Island
_____________________________________________________

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Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would
send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick
her up there?"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Carema Lashandra Brown, 29
Brookville,
Pennsylvania
Inmate’s Weave Hid Coke, Meth, 78 Doses Of LSD
Drug stash was discovered after jailers
removed woman's fake hair
A Pennsylvania inmate had 78 doses of LSD, cocaine, methamphetamine,
and a glass pipe stashed under her hair weave, contraband the woman
apparently smuggled into the lockup following a prior arrest,
according to court records.
Carema Lashandra Brown, 29, was booked into the Jefferson County jail
on January 5 after she was charged with two felony theft counts.
Unable to post $60,000 bail, Brown was detained at the jail in
Brookville, a borough about 80 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.
Within a week of Brown’s arrival, jail personnel began investigating
the distribution of narcotics inside the facility. During questioning,
two female inmates--whose recorded phone calls indicated they had been
using LSD--confessed that they obtained the acid from Brown.
One of the inmates provided agents with a note allegedly written to
them by Brown. “You bitches sound bored! Get on my level! LOL,” the
note read. “Please conduct yourselves in a discreet way. Just say I
love you when you figure out what I’m talking about.”
Armed with a warrant, investigators subsequently searched Brown, who
was “trembling” as agents perused her hair. However, “Following the
search of the hair no items were recovered,” a probable cause
affidavit reports.
However, the following day jail staffers removed Brown’s weave and
discovered that she had narcotics hidden under her fake hair. A
criminal complaint notes that investigators seized eight ounces of
cocaine, eight ounces of meth, 78 doses of acid, and a glass pipe with
burn marks.
The drug discovery resulted in the filing of 18 narcotics counts (nine
felonies, nine misdemeanors) against Brown, who is seen above. Her
bail was set at $100,000.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Randy
Re: Using a TV as a second monitor
Dear Webby,
I need you expertise again if i may call on you again. I bought a new
tower last fall, and for Christmas i received my first smart TV. Now
the question is on the back of my computer there is only one port for
a HDMI cable to go. is there a adapter that i can plug my TV and my
monitor into so i can use both and leave the cable hooked up?????? I
think i already know the answer but want to hear from you before i
keep searching...thanks for the great epaper.....
Thanks again
Randy
Hi Randy
Usually you can plug the TV into the HDMI socket, and the computer
monitor into the traditional Video socket, pretty well the same as
when you add a second monitor.
The problem is pixel density.
If your TV is small, the size of your regular computer monitor, it's
not too bad, but if you have one of those 54" or 60" TV screens, your
text and pictures are going to look crappy, because the same number of
pixels are going to be stretched over 60 inches, instead of 21.
TV does not fill in and fade between pixels. It relies on being faster
than the eye and fooling you. If you want to use a TV as a second
computer monitor, don't put it onto your desk, but put it onto the
wall six feet away from your couch or your treadmill.
Using a TV as a second monitor, so that you can use wider
spreadsheets, is a pain in the nuisance because of the different
pixels per inch.
However, if you use one for writing, and the other for look-up, it
apparently works OK.
So does, apparently, working on the computer monitor and watching
hockey or Netflix on the TV.
Electrically it works, just keep the different pixels per inch in
mind.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Ten Step Guide To Being Handy Around The House
1. If you can't find a screwdriver,
use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved
screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works,
then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine
tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to
the refrigerator. Harleys, on the other hand, are easier
to work with on the coffee table in the living room. Since
it probably will never run again anyway, at least it will
make a nice conversation piece.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a
twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse;
see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just
paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock
while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have
healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing
sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in
the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only
wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped
his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as
he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped
and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear
tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and
yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while
I go and get another one!"
----------------
Actually, that's from Charlie Chaplin's "GoldRush", the
only movie about Canada that I had seen before immigrating
in 1970.
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Pinch Dead Blooms
Pinch off dead blooms from flowering plants. It will help
keep your plants flowering longer. If blooms or leaves
have fallen onto the soil they should also be removed.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
A rancher gives his new bride last-minute instructions
before heading to town for supplies, saying, "A vet
will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the
cows. I've hung a spike by the right stall so's you
know which one I want him to impregnate."
The wife, who's from back East and dumber'n a cedar
stump, thinks this is odd, but nods that she'll do it,
and the husband leaves for town. The vet arrives later,
and the wife leads him out to the barn and the stall
with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the spike for?" the vet asks.
"Dunno. I suppose it's for hanging up your pants."

Ford's 1930's failed American town in the Amazon rain forest.

DearWebby,
I am a recent subscriber and just wanted to say thanks for your time
and effort you put into your Daily Newsletters. They seem to be a
good blend of humor, info and help. Very enjoyable and it shows how
much you truly enjoy helping others solve their problems as well.
Thanks again,
Benster
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 11, in
1752 The Pennsylvania Hospital opened as the very first hospital in
America.
1808 Judge Jesse Fell experimented by burning anthracite coal to keep
his house warm. He successfully showed how clean the coal burned and
how cheaply it could be used as a heating fuel.
1812 The term "gerrymandering" had its beginning when the governor of
Massachusetts, Elbridge Gerry, signed a redistricting law that favored
his party.
1858 A French girl, Bernadette Soubirous, claimed to have seen a
vision of the Virgin Mary near Lourdes.
1878 The first U.S. bicycle club, Boston Bicycle Club, was formed.
1929 The Lateran Treaty was signed. Italy now recognized the
independence and sovereignty of Vatican City.
1936 Pumping began the process to build San Francisco's Treasure
Island.
1937 General Motors agreed to recognize the United Automobile Workers
Union, which ended the current sit-down strike against them.
1943 General Dwight David Eisenhower was selected to command the
allied armies in Europe.
1945 During World War II, the Yalta Agreement was signed by U.S.
President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill
and Soviet leader Josef Stalin.
1957 The NHL Players Association was formed in New York City.
1979 Nine days after the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini returned to Iran
(after 15 years in exile) power was seized by his followers.
1982 ABC-TV’s presentation of "The Winds of War" concluded. The 18-
hour miniseries cost $40 million to produce and was the most-watched
television program in history at the time.
1982 France nationalized five groups of major industries and 39 banks.
1984 The tenth Space Shuttle mission returned to Earth safely.
1990 Nelson Mandela was freed after 27 years in captivity.
1990 In Tokyo, Japan, James "Buster" Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson in
the tenth round to win the heavyweight championship.
1993 Janet Reno was appointed to the position of attorney general by
U.S. President Clinton. She was the first female to hold the position.
2000 The space shuttle Endeavor took off. The mission was to gather
information for the most detailed map of the earth ever made.
2000 Great Britain suspended self-rule in Northern Ireland after the
Irish Republican Army (IRA) failed to begin decommissioning
(disarming) by a February deadline.
2002 The six stars on NBC's "Friends" signed a deal for $24 million
each for the ninth and final season of the series.
2006 In Texas, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and
wounded a companion during a quail hunt.
2016 It was reported that scientists had detected gravitational waves.
The waves had been detected on September 14, 2015 by the Laser
Interferometer Gravitational-wave Observatory (LIGO) detectors in
Livingston, LA, and Hanford, WA.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, February 10
Had a good laugh when I read that the `Dreamers`are threatening to
leave, if there is no amnesty. No kidding?
Are they all going to pile into the same car as all the empty shirts,
who promised, that they would leave, if Trump gets elected?
I notice that no country has allowed them in so far.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Arizona woman arrested for creating and
selling child pornography
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 10 in
1763 The Treaty of Paris ended the French and Indian War. In the
treaty France ceded Canada to England.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away
if your car could go straight upwards.
--- Fred Hoyle (1915 - 2001)
"The very essence of leadership is that you have to have
vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet."
--- Theodore M. Hesburgh
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
GROAN ALERT!
Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no
time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England
society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a
fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached
Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret
of your soup?"
Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use
but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."
The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"
Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it
too farty."
______________________________________________________
The new Librarian decided that instead of
checking out children's books by writing
the names of borrowers on the book cards
herself, she would have the youngsters
sign their own names. She would then
tell them they were signing a "Contract"
for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader,
who looked surprised to see a new Librarian.
He brought four books to the desk and shoved
them across to the Librarian, giving her his
name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and
told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously
printed his name on each book card and then
handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her
speech he said, scornfully, "That other
Librarian we had could read and write."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship off-
shore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know
if you still want to be rescued."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Keri Harwood, 28,
New River,
Arizona
Arizona woman arrested for creating and
selling child pornography
A New River woman is accused of performing and recording sexual acts
with two young children and selling them to a man over the Internet.
Keri Harwood, 28, is charged with two counts of sexual conduct with a
minor, five counts of sexual exploitation of a child for recording the
videos, and five counts of sexual exploitation of a child for selling
the videos, according to Maricopa County Superior Court records.
Authorities say a neighbor who plays Pokemon Go with Harwood found the
sexually explicit videos in Harwood's Gmail after noticing several
PayPal transactions and reported her to the Maricopa County Sheriff's
Office.
The neighbor was able to access Harwood's email account because she
gave him her Pokemon Go login information and asked him to catch
Pokemon for her, court records said.
"Horrible acts of child abuse like this can be stopped with the help
of alert members of our community," said Sheriff Paul Penzone in a
press release.
"If you see something unusual, contact authorities so that we can end
this exploitation," he said.
Deputies said Harwood was sending videos of her bathing and touching
the children, ages 6 and 3 years old, to a man they believe lives in
Texas. When confronted by authorities, records show, she claimed that
she needed the money and didn't want to disappoint the man, with whom
she had been sexting for some time.
Court documents said Harwood told police she molested the children on
five separate occasions.
The Sheriff's Office said they are pursuing a warrant to arrest the
man who purchased the videos from Harwood.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Cheryl
Re: Pictures on camera chip lost
Dear Webby,
We just came back home to Australia from a wonderful trip
to the USA and my 13 yr old daughter took her new Canon
Powershot with a 2.0 GB SD Memory Card to use over
there. We had an idyllic stopover in Fiji for 3 days and then
had a great time travelling from LA to the Grand Canyon via
a lovely little town called Williams on Route 66, Laura happily
snapping photos. Spent a day at the canyon then on to Vegas
via Hoover Dam. The glitz of Vegas was also great fun to
photograph then off to Fresno.
It was here that she accidently deleted all the photos she had
taken to this point - 700 of them! We are devestated as I don't
have a digital camera and so we were both using hers. She
still doesn't know how she did it. She said she was trying to
move them into a file and then they were gone. Kids these
days work things out better than adults, often through
experimentation - pity she chose that experiment. Back home,
we have removed the disk, plugged it into the computer, and
tried to find the lost pics but it looks like they are gone for good.
However I heard that there may still be a way of recovering the
lost pics. Is that possible? By the way we are VERY impressed
with the features and quality of the camera except that it seems
too easy to delete photos!!
Cheryl
Dear Cheryl
Too bad you did not go to a hotel with WiFi or McDonalds or Burger king in Fresno and write me then!
Just go to
http://www.sharewareconnection.com/memo ... estore.htm
and use that free software to recover the deleted files.
Actually, it's not really that easy to delete the files, but there HAS
to be the option to do that. Normally, though, you first upload the
pictures to your site or your laptop.
Personally I don't like uploading from the camera. I use a $12 chip
reader that I can plug into any USB port and make the chip act like
an additional hard drive on a computer (laptop, hotel lobby machine,
cyber-cafe, etc). Dragging them from there to a web site is easy.
Once they are on the web, they are safe.
You could also use SearchEverything, search for pictures, and *.jpg
That way, if she moved them into a subdirectory or into the MISC
directory. I have seen people do that and damn near jump off a cliff.
And there were all their pictures safe and sound in the MISC directory
on the chip.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount
of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor
noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for her, saying,
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Thanks to Allan for this story:
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room
watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably
a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,"
she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said
that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a
message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her
temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were
her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called
him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as
soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like
this..."
*Click!*
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Storing a Large Area Rug
Save old belts to use when storing or moving large area
rugs. Roll up the rug and wrap a couple belts around it,
using the belt buckles to secure the belt in place. The
belts are great for preventing the rug from unrolling and
also work as handles for moving the rug.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life.
"So, John, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," John shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."

Wide World of Pranks

A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just
before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them,
"Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain
was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!"
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 10, in
1763 The Treaty of Paris ended the French and Indian War. In the
treaty France ceded Canada to England.
1840 Britain's Queen Victoria married Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg-
Gotha.
1846 Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints began
their exodus to the west from Illinois.
1863 In New York City, two of the world’s most famous midgets, General
Tom Thumb and Lavinia Warren were married.
1870 The YWCA was founded in New York City.
1879 The electric arc light was used for the first time.
1923 Ink paste was manufactured for the first time by the Standard Ink
Company.
1925 The first waterless gas storage tank was placed in service in
Michigan City, IN.
1933 The singing telegram was introduced by the Postal Telegraph
Company of New York City.
1933 Primo Carnera knocked out Ernie Schaaf in round 13 at Madison
Square Garden in New York City. Schaaf died as a result of the
knockout punch.
1934 The first imperforated, ungummed sheets of postage stamps were
issued by the U.S. Postal Service in New York City.
1935 The Pennsylvania Railroad began passenger service with its
electric locomotive. The engine was 79-1/2 feet long and weighed 230
tons.
1942 The Normandie, the former French liner, capsized in New York
Harbor. The day before the ship had caught fire while it was being
fitted for the U.S. Navy.
1949 "Death of a Salesman" opened at the Morocco Theatre in New York
City.
1962 The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U2 pilot Francis
Gary Powers for the Soviet spy Rudolph Ivanovich Abel being held by
the U.S.
1981 The Las Vegas Hilton hotel-casino caught fire. Eight people were
killed and 198 were injured.
1989 Ron Brown became the first African American to head a major U.S.
political party when he was elected chairman of the Democratic
National Committee.
1990 South African President F.W. de Klerk announced that black
activist Nelson Mandela would be released the next day after 27 years
in captivity.
1992 Mike Tyson was convicted in Indianapolis of raping Desiree
Washington, Miss Black American contestant.
1997 The U.S. Army suspended its top-ranking enlisted soldier, Army
Sgt. Major Gene McKinney following allegations of sexual misconduct.
McKinney was convicted of obstruction of justice and acquitted of 18
counts alleging sexual harassment of six military women.
1998 Voters in Maine repealed a 1997 gay rights law. Maine was the
first state to abandon such legislation.
1999 Avalanches killed at least 10 people when they roared down the
French Alps 30 miles from Geneva.
2005 North Korea publicly announced for the first time that it had
nuclear arms. The country also rejected attempts to restart
disarmament talks in the near future saying that it needed the weapons
as protection against an increasingly hostile United States.
2009 A Russian and an American satellite collided over Siberia.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, February 9
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Fugitive driver with revoked license tried
to have truck reported as stolen after
fatal hit-and-run.
Bonehead
Milwaukee Public Schools and offices will be closed Friday, February
9th due to absence of Gullible Warming. After school activities are
also canceled.
______________________________________________________
Today, February 9 in
1895 - Volley Ball was invented by W.G. Morgan.
1895 - The first college basketball game was played as Minnesota State
School of Agriculture defeated the Porkers of Hamline College, 9-3.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people
who used to snub you.
--- Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)
The best way out is always through.
--- Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)
-----yeah, I know, especially for a Taurus!
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was
meeting with considerable sales resistance.
"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.
"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding
around on a cow."
"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as you'd look trying
to milk a bicycle!"
______________________________________________________
From Frank a Classic:
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would
like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
From Hilla
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Juan Mata-Chavez, 27,
Milwaukee,
Wisconsin
Fugitive driver with revoked license tried
to have truck reported as stolen after
fatal hit-and-run.
Old mug shot from previous arrests.
He is still on the run.
Juan C. Mata-Chavez, 27, Milwaukee, has been charged with knowingly
operating a vehicle While Revoked-Causing Death and Hit and Run
Resulting in Death in connection with this crash. Police say that
Mata-Chavez was driving with a revoked license. Anyone with
information is asked to call police.
Prosecutors say a man with a revoked license due to a prior DUI
offense tried to have his sister's pickup truck reported as "stolen at
gunpoint" after a violent hit-and-run crash caught on camera, which
took the life of a mother and injured her son after they left church
on Super Bowl Sunday. Four people fled the truck after the crash, and
one of those people, a passenger in the truck at the time, helped
police identify the driver, who is now charged.
It's important to note: He is NOT in custody yet!
Juan Mata-Chavez, 27, of Milwaukee faces one count of knowingly
operating a motor vehicle while revoked, causing the death of another,
and one count of hit-and-run resulting in death.
The crash happened Sunday, Feb. 4 near 15th and Lincoln, and it was
caught on camera.
Monica Hernandez, 43, died as a result of injuries suffered in the
crash. Her son, 13, was hurt. They were coming back from church at
around 11 a.m. when it happened.
According to a criminal complaint, a Toyota Corolla was found at the
scene with severe damage to the front end. Aid was being rendered to
Hernandez. At the hospital, it was determined she had suffered broken
femurs and "avulsions" in both legs, along with internal bleeding. She
died during surgery, and an autopsy revealed the cause of death as
multiple blunt force injuries secondary to a motor vehicle collision.
According to Milwaukee police and security cameras, the pick-up had
been driven at freeway speeds in a 30 mph zone, when the driver lost
control.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Bill
Re: Anti telemarketers program
Dear Webby,
I enjoy your newsletter practically every day.
As to telemarketers, I use Nomorobo.com, one ring and the call
is gone.
There are some supplier restrictions.
Look forward to your comments.
Bill
Dear Bill
Thank you for that valuable information!
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A very nervous man, accompanied by his
nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and
wrote the man a prescription for a powerful
tranquilizer.
The man asked, "How often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But
they're not for you." replied the doctor. "They're
for your wife."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Thanks to Eric for this thoughtprovoking story:
I was having lunch at PJ's with one of my favourite clients
last week and the conversation turned to the government's
recent round of tax cuts. "I'm opposed to those tax cuts,"
the retired college instructor declared, "because they
benefit the rich. The rich get much more money back
than ordinary taxpayers like you and I and that's not fair."
"But the rich pay more in the first place," I argued, "so it
stands to reason that they'd get more money back."
I could tell that my friend was unimpressed by this meager
argument. Even college instructors are a prisoner of the
socialist myth that the "rich" somehow get a free ride in Canada.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that everyday 10 men go to PJ's for dinner.
The bill for all ten comes to $100. If it was paid the way
we pay our taxes, the first four men would pay nothing;
the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3;
the seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and
seemed quite happy with the arrangement until the owner
threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers,"
he said, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by
$20. Now dinner for the table only costs $80."
The first four are unaffected. They still eat for free.
Can you figure out how to divvy up the $20 savings
among the remaining six so that everyone gets his fair
share?
The men realize that $20 divided by 6 is $3.33, but if they
subtract that from everybody's share, then the fifth man
and the sixth man would end up being paid to eat their meal.
The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to
reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage
he had put in, and he proceeded to work out the amounts
each should pay.
And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2,
the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12,
leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of $59.
Outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their
savings. "I only got a dollar out the $20," declared the
sixth man pointing to the tenth, "and he got $7!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. I only saved
a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times more
than me!
"That's true," shouted the seventh man. "Why should he
get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the
breaks."
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.
"We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the
poor."
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine
sat down and ate without him.
When it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something
important.
They were $52 short!
++++++++++++++++++++++++
And that, boys and girls and college instructors, is how
Canada's tax system works. The people who pay the
highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy,
and they just may not show up at the table anymore.
There are lots of good restaurants in Switzerland and
the Caribbean and in Asia.
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Heavy Lifting
When you are lifting something heavy, bend your knees, not
your waist. Use your legs to support the weight. You'll put
less pressure on your back that way.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at
long last, he had collected sufficient courage to ask
her the most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a
bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one
longs for the companionship of another being--a being
who will regard one as perfect, as an idol, whom one
can treat as one's absolute own, who will be kind and
faithful when times are hard, who will share one's joys
and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.
Then she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea!
Yes, I can help you choose which puppy to buy!"

The Soledar Salt Mines in Ukraine

Cindy tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to Paul her good friend.
Paul told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier
to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Cindy, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said Paul. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will
turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it
should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Cindy made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, Paul asked Cindy, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied Cindy, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on
it."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 9, in
1870 - The United States Weather Bureau was authorized by Congress.
The bureau is officially known as the National Weather Service (NWS).
1884 - Thomas Edison and Patrick Kenny executed a patent application
for a chemical recording stock quotation telegraph (U.S. Pat.
314,115).
1885 - The first Japanese arrived in Hawaii.
1895 - Volley Ball was invented by W.G. Morgan.
1895 - The first college basketball game was played as Minnesota State
School of Agriculture defeated the Porkers of Hamline College, 9-3.
1900 - Dwight F. Davis put up a new tennis trophy to go to the winner
in matches against England. The trophy was a silver cup that weighed
36 pounds.
1909 - The first forestry school was incorporated in Kent, Ohio.
1932 - America entered the 2-man bobsled competition for the first
time at the Olympic Winter Games held at Lake Placid, NY.
1942 - The U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff held its first formal meeting to
coordinate military strategy during World War II.
1942 - Daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the U.S.
1943 - During World War II, the battle of Guadalcanal ended with an
American victory over Japanese forces.
1950 - U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy charged that the State Department
was riddled with Communists. This was the beginning of "McCarthyism."
1969 - The Boeing 747 flew its inaugural flight.
1971 - The San Fernando Valley experienced the Sylmar earthquake that
registered 6.4 on the Richter Scale.
1971 - The Apollo 14 spacecraft returned to Earth after mankind's
third landing on the moon.
1975 - The Russian Soyuz 17 returned to Earth.
1989 - Kohlberg Kravis Roberts and Co. completed the $25 billion
purchase of RJR Nabisco, Inc.
1997 - "The Simpsons" became the longest-running prime-time animated
series. "The Flintstones" held the record previously.
2001 - "Hannibal," the sequel to "Silence of the Lambs," opened in
theaters.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, February 8
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Alabama man star of viral Facebook child porn
video surrendered to police after manhunt
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 8 in
1861 The Confederate States of America was formed.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
They certainly give very strange names to diseases.
--- Plato (427 BC - 347 BC)
If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the
entire catalogue.
--- Sears, Roebuck, and Co. Consumer's Guide, 1897
"I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the
effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about
everybody in,
except the English."
--- Calvin Tillin
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one
afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and
crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to use his loader to dig a big hole and bury the
politicians.
Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for
someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
"Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of
them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
______________________________________________________
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny,
"How come you aren't married?"
Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-
keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice
and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have
money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."
Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Thanks to Dave for this story:
Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed
our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were
to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that
even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.
Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome
him aboard.
"Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"
Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to
display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said,
"I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."
"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me,
"because this will be our first."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Germaine Moore, 44,
Elmore County jail
Alabama
Alabama man star of viral Facebook child porn
video surrendered to police after manhunt
An Alabama man wanted in connection with a video that showed the
sexual assault of a child that went viral last week has handed himself
into police after a manhunt.
Germaine Moore turned himself into police on Tuesday (6 February) and
is being held at Elmore County Jail where he has been charged with
multiple counts of criminal sexual conduct.
The 44-year-old was also charged with sexually assaulting four girls
all under the age of 13 from 2011 and 2017, in Alabama and Detroit.
According to a release from Central Alabama CrimeStoppers Moore
surrendered at about 2.30am after warrants were issued.
Moore is believed to have been recorded in a disgusting video that had
been shared around the world, which was believed to show a young girl
performing a sex act.
CrimeStoppers released a warning to the public last week about the
video of sexual abuse involving a young child circulating on social
media.
It was reported by the Associated Press (AP) that the victim has been
located and is safe while Moore's wife had been detained and was not
cooperating.
"Due to a video being shared at an alarming rate, CrimeStoppers
reached out to our Law Enforcement Partners and asked was there
anything that the media could do to stop the spread of the video,"
Executive Director Tony Garrett said according to the Montgomery
Advertiser.
Garrett said the video may have been shared by some people who may
have hoped to identify the abuser, but authorities have reminded
people that sharing the video is a felony.
Moore has been charged with the sexual assault of a child,
distribution of a video depicting the assault and first-degree
criminal sexual conduct.
In addition Moore also faces 11 felony charges in Detroit, where
prosecutors allege that he sexually assaulted three girls from 2011 to
2017.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Merri Lynn
Re: telemarketers messages
Dear Webby,
Hi Friend Webby, I think you may have given some info on
this subject before but "good gravy" I did not write it down
at the time. How do I stop these telemarketers from leaving
messages on my phone?
I have to listen to the whole message before I can erase it-
this is really starting to annoy me-any help would be greatly
appreciated-you are like a ray of sunshine in my humdrum day.
And not all days are that way-and then you are still a warm fuzzy.
TOO MUch Gush??
Have a day of love and laughs, thanks always,
Merri Lynn
Dear Merri Lynn
I think word has gotten around amongst telemarketers that I
have Winfax and know how to use it. They have not left
messages or sent faxes for at least 10 years, even though I
have long since forgotten how to use Winfax.
I used to have a letter that told them in extremely
undiplomatic language what I thought of their dumb idea of
leaving a message on my answering machine, complete with
some not so nice illustrations to amplify my points. It was a
real "Thunder from the pulpit" sermon, amounting to exactly
33 pages.
Then I set Winfax to send it to them every night, and of course
set to keep trying until completed. If they had voice/fax combos,
they were greeted with 30 feet of used fax paper. If they didn't,
Winfax kept calling them and greeting them with a cheerfully
howling fax raspberry, until they changed their number.
You can even set Winfax as a "Fax on demand" station, and
automatically fax a long help file to them if they let the phone
ring 4 times. Just warn your friends to never be so rude as to
let it ring 4 times, or else ...
Nowadays the answering machine is set to tell them to send
me an email, and does not record any message. Most
telemarketers are not web literate, and the few that are, are
taken care of by MailWasher.
Don't get mad, Merri Lynn, get even !
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks,
"What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with
you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her boobs!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher
with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got
ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he
took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he
poised the pliers, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.
The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew
open, and the tooth was easily removed.
"Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.
"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have
thought the root went that deep?!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Heavy Lifting
When you are lifting something heavy, bend your knees, not
your waist. Use your legs to support the weight. You'll put
less pressure on your back that way.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
The drunk was brought into night court, having been picked
up on suspicion of being the notorious night prowler.
"What were you doing out at 3 A.M.?" the judge sternly
queried.
"I was going to a lecture."
"A lecture at 3 A.M.?" The judge was scornful.
"Oh, sure," said the drunk. "Sometimes my wife stays up
a lot longer than that just to lecture me."

Dogs are awesome!

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get
ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 8, in
1802 Simon Willard patented the banjo clock.
1861 The Confederate States of America was formed.
1861 A Cheyenne delegation and some Arapaho leaders accepted a new
settlement (Treaty of Fort Wise) with the U.S. Federal government. The
deal ceded most of their land but secured a 600-square mile
reservation and annuity payments.
1900 In South Africa, British troops under Gen. Buller were beaten at
Ladysmith. The British fled over the Tugela River.
1904 The Russo-Japanese War began with Japan attacking Russian forces
in Manchuria.
1910 William D. Boyce incorporated the Boy Scouts of America.
1918 During World War I, "The Stars and Stripes" was published under
orders from General John J. Pershing for the United States Army forces
in France. It was published from February 8, 1918 to June 13, 1919.
1922 The White House began using radio after U.S. President Harding
had it installed.
1952 Queen Elizabeth II ascended to the British throne. Her father,
George VI, had died on February 6.
1963 The Kennedy administration prohibited travel to Cuba and made
financial and commercial transactions with Cuba illegal for U.S.
citizens.
1963 Lamar Hunt, owner of the American Football League franchise in
Dallas, TX, moved the operation to Kansas City. The new team was named
the Chiefs.
1969 The last issue of the "Saturday Evening Post" was published. It
was revived in 1971 as a quarterly publication and later a 6 times a
year.
1971 The Nasdaq stock-market index debuted.
1973 U.S. Senate leaders named seven members of a select committee to
investigate the Watergate scandal.
1974 The three-man crew of the Skylab space station returned to Earth
after 84 days.
1978 The U.S. Senate deliberations were broadcast on radio for the
first time. The subject was the Panama Canal treaties.
1980 U.S. President Jimmy Carter announced a plan to re-introduce
draft registration.
1985 "The Dukes of Hazzard" ended its 6-1/2 year run on CBS
television. :(
1993 General Motors sued NBC, alleging that "Dateline NBC" had rigged
two car-truck crashes to show that some GM pickups were prone to fires
after certain types of crashes. The suit was settled the following day
by NBC.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, February 7
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Lake City bank robber gave
drivers license to manager
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 7 in
1893 Elisha Gray patented a machine called the telautograph.
It automatically signed autographs to documents.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Education is what survives when what has been learned
has been forgotten.
--- B. F. Skinner (1904 - 1990)
Consience is what makes a boy tell his mother
before his sister does.
--- Evan Esar
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Ed told me his buddy came in late one day because
his car lock had become frozen. The guy defrosted it by
holding the key in a candle flame to get it hot enough to just
"slide" through the ice. The guy said, "That worked so well
I've got a bunch of candles in the glove box in case it happens
again."
Ed replied, "How will you get them out?"
--------------------
A lighter works fine too. But don't try that trick without
gloves! The hottest part of the key is the part that you
shield from the wind, with your fingers.
______________________________________________________
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It
looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly
sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once
again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to
pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the
grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had
happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father
to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she
said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew
a naked woman on our fence and for two weeks straight
they were pulling splinters out of all the neighbors."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Scarlet Macaw
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Thanks to Martin for this picture and story:
I thought each of you could use a little comic relief today.
Here's the story. A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in
this neighborhood. He had a beautiful view of the east
mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below
his house and built.
Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the
ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his
lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the
lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had
some great arguments about this as you can imagine -
not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof
line - no doubt at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them
that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side
of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and
asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's
home to see the vent view, this is what they
found...
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Donald Towns, 41,
Lake City,
Floriduh
Lake City bank robber gave drivers
license to manager
According to the Lake City Police Department, a man made a series of
mistakes while robbing a Columbia County bank on Monday.
According to a news release, Donald Towns, 41, walked out of the
Renasant Bank with $1,200 in cash on Monday morning after appearing to
show a concealed firearm. He told bank employees he would kill them if
they called police, he Lake City Police Department said.
Towns was arrested 36 minutes after the robbery. Police said Towns
said he wanted to open a bank account, and when asked, provided a
drivers license to the bank manager, which was photocopied.
Towns had given the bank manager a note that stated that he had a gun.
Police later discovered the note was written on the back of a medical
discharge note, which had Towns' name on it.
The suspect was located a short distance from the bank and taken to
the Columbia County Jail.
He is being held without bond.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Octoberbabye
Re: Right Click ban
Dear Webby,
Avid (Rabid avid) fan here. I was wondering if you could
give me instructions on disabling the right click ban on
some sites. I like to save pictures to do as jigsaw puzzles
and some sites give a pop up box that says
'right click disabled'.
Thanks,
octoberbabye
Dear Octoberbabye
Quite often that copy protection is because somebody has
bought the rights to use the pictures, but not the copy right,
and they are required to protect them.
There is nothing you can do about their copy protection.
You CAN steal a screen shot by hitting PrintScreen or
ALT PrintScreen, and then go into your graphics program
and paste the screen shot into a new picture and crop the
surrounding stuff off it.
Just don't get caught with stolen pictures on your site!
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its
verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have
for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. asked: "All twelve of you?"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.
He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket
and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and
the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the
bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!,
what's that little green thing you've got down there?"
The little green man runs down the bar and gives the
Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face
and then runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops
himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what
is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a
leprechaun."
"A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never
knew leprechauns were so ugly!"
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is
really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again
I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't
have peckers."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Small Handy Tool Box
Put together a small tool box for making minor repairs around
the house. Fill it with the essentials: hammer, screw drivers,
a chisel, pliers, scissors, a small level, a tape measure and
anything else you find yourself needing frequently. Keep it
in a safe convenient place and make sure all the tools and
the tool box is put away when it's done being used.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a
while they got to know each other so well, they
decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the
other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very
beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride
broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I
think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't
even swept together!"

Dogs are awesome!

After a round of golf, 4 elderly ladies sat around the club
house chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked:
"How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round...making the comment that
she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a
very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she
only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the
day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term
"rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb,
he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me
what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "riders"?"
The bar tender simply smiled and said:
"A 'rider' is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a
ride on a golf cart."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 7, in
1877 The first Guernsey Cattle Club was organized in New York City.
1882 The last bareknuckle fight for the heavyweight boxing
championship took place in Mississippi City.
1893 Elisha Gray patented a machine called the telautograph. It
automatically signed autographs to documents.
1913 The Turks lost 5,000 men in a battle with the Bulgarian army in
Gallipoli.
1922 DeWitt and Lila Acheson Wallace offered 5,000 copies of "Reader's
Digest" magazine for the first time.
1940 "Pinocchio" world premiered at the Center Theatre in Manhattan.
1943 The U.S. government announced that shoe rationing would go into
effect in two days.
1944 During World War II, the Germans launched a counteroffensive at
Anzio, Italy.
1962 The U.S. government banned all Cuban imports and re-export of
U.S. products to Cuba from other countries because Cuba had
nationalized all US owned refineries and plantations.
1974 The nation of Grenada gained independence from Britain.
1976 Darryl Sittler (Toronto Maple Leafs) set a National Hockey League
(NHL) record when he scored 10 points in a game against the Boston
Bruins. He scored six goals and four assists.
1977 Russia launched Soyuz 24.
1984 Space shuttle astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L.
Stewart made the first untethered space walk.
1985 "Sports Illustrated" released its annual swimsuit edition. It was
the largest regular edition in the magazine’s history at 218 pages.
1985 "New York, New York" became the official anthem of New York City.
1986 Haitian President-for-Life Jean-Claude Duvalier fled his country
ending 28 years of family rule. That turned out to be bad news for
Haiti.
1991 The Rev. Jean-Bertrand Aristide was sworn in as Haiti's first
democratically elected president.
1999 NASA's Stardust space probe was launched. The mission was to
return comet dust samples from comet Wild 2. The mission was completed
on January 15, 2006 when the sample return capsule returned to Earth.
2000 California's legislature declared that February 13 would be
"Charels M. Schulz Day."
2008 The Space Shuttle Atlantis launched with the mission of
delivering the Columbus science laboratory to the International Space
Station.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, February 6
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida mom accused of hitting former boss
with car outside nursing home
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 6 in
1815 The state of New Jersey issued the first American railroad
charter to John Stevens.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Television enables you to be entertained in your home
by people you wouldn't have in your home.
--- David Frost
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things
that people might remember.
--- Eugene McCarthy (1916 - 2005)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked
to be excused because she didn't believe in capital
punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to
prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the
public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to
convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the
jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a
simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against
her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he
had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her
birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I
could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Lynn for this report:
Some archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a
cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the
following symbols, in this order of appearance:
A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings
were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the
ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of
the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and
said:
"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this
race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next
symbol resembles donkey, so, they were smart enough to
have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which
means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof
of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if
a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow,
they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears
to be the Star of David which means they were evidently
Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old woman stood up in the back of the room
and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. The
message says, "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Mandarin Fish
_____________________________________________________

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Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
A cop saw a woman down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the woman, "I dropped my keys and I'm looking for
them."
After a glance around, the cop asked: "Are you sure you
droped them right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped them down in that
alley, but it's way too dark to find anything down there."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Abbey Taylor, 42,
Jacksonville,
Florida
Florida mom accused of hitting former boss
with car outside nursing home
A Jacksonville woman accused of hitting her former boss with her car
says she did not do it.
Abbey Taylor was arrested on Friday and bonded out on Saturday. She
faces charges of aggravated battery causing great bodily harm and
resisting arrest.
Taylor said, as a certified nursing assistant, she used to help the
elderly people living at The Terrace of Jacksonville eat, bathe and
get around.
Taylor said she got into an argument with the nursing home
administrator on Friday when she showed up to get copies of her old
pay stubs.
“I did not hit her with my vehicle. I think she’s making that up,”
said Taylor.
The administrator at The Terrace of Jacksonville told police she
rolled up onto the hood of the car Taylor was driving.
Taylor told Action News Jax the crack in her windshield is from her
former boss punching the glass.
“She didn’t flip over, or fall back or any of that,” Taylor said.
An employee told Action News Jax the administrator has a fractured
ankle that will need surgery.
Taylor’s arrest report said surveillance video showed she hit the 53-
year-old woman with her car and then drove past the woman a second
time while she was on the ground.
“In my heart, I did not hit her with my car,” Taylor said. “I want to
see the surveillance cameras myself.”
Leadership at The Terrace of Jacksonville would not release the
surveillance video to Action News Jax.
Taylor also denied resisting arrest, saying she just wanted to make
sure her sister could watch her two kids while she was in jail.
“All I was doing was asking them, could I please get my children
straight and can I go and get some shoes? Because I didn’t even have
any shoes on my feet. I just had socks. ‘Oh no, you can’t go back in
the house.’ And that’s where it was from there,” said Taylor.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Sharon
Re:Spybot Advanced Mode
Dear Webby,
Thanks so much for the fun letter.
I especailly liked the joke about loaning things to ohers.
It reminded me of a time my husband asked our son if he
had a certain type of tool. He was told there was one in
the trunk of his (our son's) car.
When my husband went to get the tool he realized it was his
own tools & confronted our son about it, telling him he knew
it was his tool as he had engraved his initials on it
( which he did to all his tools).
Our son then said, "Dad, you loaned it to me but never
came & got it back". Oh well, that's a kid for you.
My qustion is in regard to the pc tip for Carol. I have
Spybot but cannot figure out how to switch to "advanced".
I clicked on help & went to tools but could not open it to
the startup programs. Am I missing something?
Again thanks so much.
Sharon
Dear Sharon
In Spybot scroll down to the second half, Advanced.
The second icon from the left is SETTINGS.
In there a huge bunch of things you can set. Some of them are
only in the paid mode, but there is plenty to play with in the
free version.
Startup Tools is the third icon from the left.
Go into that, then Advanced.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The
first lady says," You know girls, I have known you all a
long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I
am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen
from you and I never will; we have been friends for too
long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true
confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I
am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your
husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have
been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess
something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit
on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long
for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to
make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some
phone calls to make!

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

From Linda
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn,
and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left
turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem. He returned the repair order to
the service manager with this notation:
"Removed bowling ball from trunk".
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Storing Wood Furniture
When you are storing nice wood furniture, make sure you
store it in a dry, well ventilated room. If you store it in
a damp basement, you could discover moldy and warped
furniture when you go to retrieve it.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Put some plywood or chip board under it, so that it does not sit
or a bare and maybe uneven floor. Cover the furniture with a piece of
plywood, NOT a tarp or plastic! You have to keep the sun off it, but
allow ventilation.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
____________________________________________________
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time
playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention
on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe
Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light
of the fireplace."
The son replied, "Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was
The President of The United States!!!"

This is not my idea of a vacation!

Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and
were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter
what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or
even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised
to love, honor and obey."
Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people at the wedding."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 6, in
1778 The United States gained official recognition from France as the
two nations signed the Treaty of Amity and Commerce and the Treaty of
Alliance in Paris.
1815 The state of New Jersey issued the first American railroad
charter to John Stevens.
1899 The U.S. Senate ratified a peace treaty between the U.S. and
Spain.
1900 The Holland Senate ratified the 1899 peace conference decree that
created an international arbitration court at The Hague.
1900 U.S. President McKinley appointed W.H. Taft as commissioner to
report on the Philippines.
1911 The first old-age home for pioneers opened in Prescott, AZ.
1926 The National Football League adopted a rule that made players
ineligible for competition until their college class graduated.
1932 Dog sled racing happened for the first time in Olympic
competition.
1937 K. Elizabeth Ohi became the first Japanese woman lawyer when she
received her degree from John Marshall Law School in Chicago, IL.
1952 Britain's King George VI died. His daughter, Elizabeth II,
succeeded him.
1956 St. Patrick Center opened in Kankakee, IL. It was the first
circular school building in the United States.
1959 The U.S., for the first time, successfully test-fired a Titan
intercontinental ballistic missile from Cape Canaveral.
1971 NASA Astronaut Alan B. Shepard used a six-iron that he had
brought inside his spacecraft and swung at three golf balls on the
surface of the moon.
1972 Over 500,000 pieces of irate mail arrived at the mail room of
CBS-TV, when word leaked out that an edited-for-TV version of the X-
rated movie, "The Demand," would be shown.
1973 Construction began on the CN Tower in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
1985 The French mineral water company, Perrier, debuted its first new
product in 123 years. The new items were water with a twist of lemon,
lime or orange.
1987 President Ronald Reagan turned 76 years old this day and became
the oldest U.S. President in history.
1998 Washington National Airport was renamed for U.S. President Ronald
Reagan with the signing of a bill by U.S. President Clinton.
1999 King Hussein of Jordan transferred full political power to his
oldest son the Crown Prince Abdullah.
1999 Excerpts of former White House intern Monica Lewinsky's
videotaped testimony were shown at President Clinton's impeachment
trial.
1999 Heavy fighting resumed along the common border between Ethiopia
and Eritrea.
2000 Russia's acting President Vladimir Putin announced that Russian
forces had captured Grozny, Chechnya. The capital city had been under
the control of Chechen rebels.
2000 In Finland, Foreign Minister Tarja Halonen became the first woman
to be elected president.
2000 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton formally declared that she
was a candidate for a U.S. Senate seat from the state of New York,
that was specifically vacated for her. There was no opposition.
2001 Ariel Sharon was elected Israeli prime minister.
2002 A federal judge ordered John Walker Lindh to be held without bail
pending trial. Lindh was known as the "American Taliban."
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, February 5
Thank you, Svend!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
6-foot-9 inch Florida man punched his
handicapped girlfriend and wanted cops
to arrest him.
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 5 in
1783 Sweden recognized the independence of the United States.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning
of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
--- Norm Papernick
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
--- George Carlin
What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is,
in the end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do.
--- John Ruskin
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch,
"You've got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in
bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start
tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please,... Break my arms!"
______________________________________________________
From Sheila in Oz
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately
take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone.
So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful
minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto
the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket,
which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of
his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said,
"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know
what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom in it."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Faros del Mar
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several
government bills that had recently been passed, printed a
scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE
LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'.
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted
tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally
gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS SAY THEY ARE NOT CROOKS".
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Patrick Moan,
Vero Beach,
Florida
6-foot-9 inch Florida man punched his
handicapped girlfriend and wanted cops
to arrest him.
A man was arrested after he punched his armless and legless girlfriend
and took her to Vero Beach Walmart so she could report it to a
shopper, the Miami Herald originally reported.
The Miami Herald said Patrick Moan, who is reported as being 6 foot 9
inches tall, punched his girlfriend in the right ear Sunday. Later
that afternoon, Moan took his girlfriend to the Walmart, hoping his
girlfriend would tell someone that he hit her.
The Herald reported Moan told a shopper himself that he did it and
hoped the person would "call the cops so he could go to jail."
The Miami Herald attributed the Indian River County Sheriff's Office
who said Moan was tired of taking care of her and pushing her around
in her wheelchair.
He also said that if he punched her and confessed to it, he would no
longer have to take care of her, the Miami Herald attributed to the
arrest report.
The chickenshit could have kicked a police car and get arrested. He
did not have to hit a handicapped woman,
or he could have simply brought her to a women`s shelter.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Carol D
Re: Kodak EasyShare
Dear Webby,
I just installed an updated version of Kodak EasyShare. Now
whenever I boot up in the morning, the first thing I see is
Kodak EasyShare. Is there a way I can stop this? I am not
sure where to look to fix this. I am running Windows XP.
You have helped me before and I am confident you can
do it again. Thank you for an enjoyable read each morning
with my coffee.
Carol D
Dear Carol
I have never used Kodak EasyShare and have no clue about
the settings in that program.
Best would be if you called their Support.
If you can't get help from them, use the tools in
Spybot-Search&Destroy to take Easyshare out of the
start-up queue.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Thank you so much for your help. I have the Spybot program
and love it. I'll use that to delete it from my start-up queue.
I knew you'd have the answer!
Carol

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Bill watched through the window as his young daughter played
in the first snow of the season and made a snowman with a
little friend.
Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little
boy say: "I got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and
find a carrot."
And his daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can
be his nose."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their
special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and
Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom
Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has
its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized
national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well... you got April first!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Skillet Pizza
By Judy [413 Posts, 7,091 Comments]
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 25 minutes
Yield: 4 slices
Source: Adapted from Taste of Home
Ingredients:
1 cup flour (I used whole wheat)
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp salt
6 Tbsp water
2 Tbsp plus 1 teaspoon olive oil, divided
1/2 cup pizza sauce
chopped peppers
sliced mushrooms
1 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
Steps:
Preheat broiler. In a bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, oregano and
salt.
Stir in water and 2 tablespoons oil to form a soft dough.
Turn onto a floured surface; knead 6-8 times.
Brush bottom of a 10 to 12-inch ovenproof skillet with remaining oil.
Heat pan on medium-high heat.
Transfer dough to pan. Cook 2-3 minutes on each side or until golden
brown.
Remove from heat. Spread with pizza sauce; put on toppings and cheese.
Broil 3-4 in. from heat 3-5 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was
late fall and the lake had just frozen over.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to
the general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on
their tab.
So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure
how tick de ice vas..."

Surreal digital art by Lee Mora.

Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so
desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins
to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again
prays... God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night
comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken
me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have
always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself.
"Brandi, meet Me halfway on this."
"BUY A TICKET"
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 5, in
1782 The Spanish captured Minorca from the British.
1783 Sweden recognized the independence of the United States.
1861 Samuel Goodale patented the moving picture peep show machine.
1885 Congo State was established under Leopold II of Belgium, as a
personal possession.
1917 The U.S. Congress passed the Immigration Act of 1917 (Asiatic
Barred Zone Act) with an overwhelming majority. The action overrode
President Woodrow Wilson's December 14, 1916 veto.
1924 The BBC time signals, or "pips", from Greenwich Observatory were
heard for the first time. They are broadcast every hour.
1952 In New York City, four signs were installed at 44th Street and
Broadway in Times Square that told pedestrians "don't walk."
1962 French President Charles De Gaulle called for Algeria's
independence.
1972 Bob Douglas became the first black man elected to the Basketball
Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA.
1982 Great Britain imposed economic sanctions against Poland and
Russia in protest against martial law in Poland.
1988 A pair of indictments were unsealed in Florida, accusing Panama's
military leader, Gen. Manuel Antonio Noriega, of bribery and drug
trafficking.
1994 White separatist Byron De La Beckwith was convicted in Jackson,
MS, of the 1963 murder of civil rights leader Medgar Evers.
1997 Switzerland's "Big Three" banks announced they would create a $71
million fund for Holocaust victims and their families.
1997 Investment bank Morgan Stanley announced a $10 billion merger
with Dean Witter.
1999 Mike Tyson was sentenced to a year in jail for assaulting two
people after a car accident on August 31, 1998. Tyson was also fined
$5,000, had to serve 2 years of probation, and had to perform 200
hours of community service upon release.
2003 U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell presented evidence to the
U.N. concerning Iraq's material breach of U.N. Resolution 1441.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, February 4
Thank you, Paul!!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Utah career criminal arrested after he
assaulted cop
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 4 in
1783 Britain declared a formal cessation of hostilities
with its former colonies, the United States of America.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer,
somebody else of the same name.
--- Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)
There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
What can you say about a society that says that
God is dead and Elvis is alive?
--- Irv Kupcinet
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Phil in England for these requests from tenants:
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared."
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door."
"The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"The person next door has a large erection in his backyard,
which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk?
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like to have a third, so will you please send someone
to do something about it."
"Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our
bathtub? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very
uncomfortable for us."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting to be too
much."
"When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a real mess. Please send men with
clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
______________________________________________________
One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to
earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he
starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and
drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla
until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime
puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger
crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires
of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the
people are paying more attention to the lion in the
next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his
audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls
across a partition, and dangles from the top of the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo
keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such
a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.
Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the
lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help!
Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion growls, "Shut up, you idiot or we'll both lose
our jobs!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Toucan
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Thanks to Sheila for this story from Down-Under:
All I wanted to do was advertise my lawnmower for sale.
You'd think that would be quite straightforward.
But noooooo, not with The Australian.
"Can I take your ad?" the cheerful typist answered when
I called the hotline.
"Ah, yes, I want to sell my lawnmower," I said.
"In the Wanted to Sell section? Certainly, sir. What do
you want to say?" she said. fingers obviously ready at
her keyboard.
"Um, what about "Lawnmower for sale, and then my phone
number?" I said. I sensed her apprehension and I heard
no typing.
"Too much information?" I asked.
"No, er, sir...actually, you need probably a few more details
to attract prospective buyers," she said. "Concentrate on
some of the selling points"
"Like what?" I asked.
"Well, sir, perhaps you could say what kind of a lawnmower
it is."
"It's an orange one, or at least it was when I bought it
nine years ago. You can still see some bits of orange though
between the caked-up dry grass."
"No, I'm not sure the color, or even the color it used to
be, is all that relevant," she said. "How about telling me
what make of lawnmower it is?"
"I dunno," I said. "There use to be a model number on the
side. I know they don't make them anymore. It's probably
still there under all the dried crud, but I can't see it."
"Um, let's see," she said. "Maybe you can tell me if it is a
two-stroke or a four-stroke engine. Prospective buyers
probably would want to know that.
"It's neither," I said. "It used to be electric."
"Used to be? How do you mean sir?" she asked.
"I think the engine is shot," I said. "All it does now is go
rrrrrrrrrr and blows one of the house fuses."
"Oh, that doesn't sound very good," she said.
"I know," I said. "I took it to the repair shop, and they
said it would cost just as much to fix it as to buy a new
one. Thast's why I want to sell it."
"I see," she said. "Perhaps a handyman will buy it and
do it up more cheaply than the repair shop can."
"Yeah, that`s what I reckoned," I said. "I just hope they
can fix the wheels too though."
"The wheels?" the typist said. "What's wrong with the
wheels?"
"Nothing," I said. "They're nearly as good as the day I
bought the lawnmower. Good tires and they go round
and round and round, no worries."
"But you said you hoped the buyer could fix them?" she said.
"Yeah well, they keep falling off, that's all," I said.
"They're good wheels though. If someone fixed them on really
tight, they go round and round and round, no worries. Unless
of course, the engine is burnt out. The the wheels just seem
to sit there doing bugger-all as the lawnmower goes rrrrrrrrr
and blows a house fuse. That's not the end of the world though,
unless you don't happen to twig what's happening and
great-uncle Isaac, whose head you are cryogenically storing
in the freezer, begins to thaw out.
Could be worse though. The lawnmower engine could suddenly
start, unexpectedly, roar into life and you could accidentally run
over the power cord and electrocute yourself and short the power
circuit at the same time.
Then your wife would really have some mess to clean up."
"I see," said the typist. "And....er....how much do you want to ask
for it?"
"As much as I can get, or the nearest offer," I said. How
much will this ad cost me? I better factor that in."
"Ten dollars a line," she said.
"So, what do you reckon I should say in the ad?" I asked,
hoping to get some expert advice.
"Oh dear, let's see," she said. She coughed. It sounded
a bit like a surpressed laughter. "How about just...
"Lawnmower for sale"
and your phone number?"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Paul Douglas Anderson, 40,
Spanish Fork,
Utah
Utah career criminal arrested after he
assaulted cop
A Spanish Fork man was arrested after police say he attacked a police
officer, prompting a brief lockdown of nearby businesses and an
elementary school while other officers searched for him Friday
afternoon.
Springville police said Paul Douglas Anderson, 40, was arrested on
suspicion of assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest, theft,
burglary and failing to stop at an officer's command. He was booked
into Utah County Jail.
Meanwhile, the officer was being treated for an orbital eye socket
fracture and facial lacerations at a hospital Friday evening.
The incident began when an officer responded to a report of a man
acting suspiciously near 700 S. Main St. shortly before 2 p.m.,
according to Springville Police Chief Scott Finlayson in a statement.
The officer spotted the man, identified as Anderson, in a Tabitha's
Way Local Food Pantry donation box with his feet dangling out. When
the officer approached Anderson, the man got out of the donation box
and put his hands in his pockets, Finlayson said.
When the officer told him to get his hands out of pockets, he refused
to comply before attacking the officer, punching him in the face
"repeatedly," according to Finlayson.
As Anderson was attacking the officer, a good Samaritan driving by
stopped and intervened by pulling out a gun and ordering Anderson to
stop, Finlayson said. Anderson then fled on foot.
Anderson was taken into custody about 30 minutes later after officers
set up a perimeter in the area. Finlayson said a witness saw the man
hiding under a flatbed trailer across the street where the attack
occurred.
He was taken into custody without further incident.
Court records show Anderson has a lengthy criminal history in the
state of Utah.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Sandra
Re: BreastCancer Site
Dear Webby,
Please send to someone. It is Important!!!!
A favor to ask, it only takes a minute... A SIMPLE
CLICK ONCE A DAY!
Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The BreastCancer
site is having trouble getting enough people
to click on their site daily to meet their quota of
donating at least one free mammogram a day to an
underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute
to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle).
This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to
donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL
10 MORE FRIENDS TODAY,
Sandra
Dear Sandra
I have had a link to the breastcancer site in the side menu
since the 90`s. Just scroll down until you see two cute girls
smiling at you. Pounce on any part of them with your mouse,
and you will wind up at the Breastcancer site.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Are church bulletin board bloopers intentional, to start
at least SOME form of communication?
Sometimes I wonder.
Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. If you
would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a
check and drip in the collection basket.
Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
Women's Luncheon:
Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the
medication.
Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their
daughter October 12 thru 17.
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do
so quietly.
We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up
the grounds around the church building and the rector.
Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized
on the table in the foyer.
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because
of their weight.
Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the
information sheep.
The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of
St. Mary's Cathedral.
The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the
church bored.
As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have
a goof outing.
Fifth Sinday is Lent. Thank you, dead friends.
Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing
even to the divident asunder of soup and spirit.
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai
Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person
who gives the information about the patients. But I don't
want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected,
or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Finkel...Finkel,
Let me see... Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel
is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her
doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send
her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home
on Tuesday. I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take
it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor
tells me nothing!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Your Spouse and Your Credit Score
Keep in mind that your credit report may be tied to your
spouse's. If your spouse has bad credit habits, it could
effect your credit as well. Even a divorce will not
necessarily eliminate negative marks against your credit
since you may be held accountable for any joint accounts
and shared debt.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them
asked the other "So, what do you hunt?"
He answered "I hunt unicorns."
The first hunter was startled, but said "Really? How do
you do that?"
The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes
to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've
heard of them, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many
unicorns around, either!"

Things found on the internet.

Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when she got a
phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?"
Jill said, "Nine dollars per seat."
She asked, "How much for children?"
Jill said, "Same price, nine dollars per seat."
She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
Jill said, "Fine. Put the kids on a plane,
and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more
that way."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 4, in
1783 Britain declared a formal cessation of hostilities with its
former colonies, the United States of America.
1789 Electors unanimously chose George Washington to be the first
president of the United States.
1824 J.W. Goodrich introduced rubber galoshes to the public.
1847 In Maryland, the first U.S. Telegraph Company was established.
1861 Delegates from six southern states met in Montgomery, AL, to form
the Confederate States of America.
1904 The Russo-Japanese War began after Japan laid siege to Port
Arthur.
1913 Louis Perlman received a patent for his demountable tire-carrying
rims.
1932 The first Winter Olympics were held in the United States at Lake
Placid, NY.
1936 Radium E. became the first radioactive substance to be produced
synthetically.
1945 During World War II, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt, British
Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began
a conference at Yalta to outline plans for Germany's defeat.
1948 Ceylon gained independence within the British Commonwealth. The
country later became known as Sri Lanka.
1957 Smith-Corona Manufacturing Inc., of New York, began selling
portable electric typewriters. The first machine weighed 19 pounds.
1968 The world's largest hovercraft was launched at Cowes, Isle of
Wight.
1973 The Reshef was unveiled as Israel's missile boat.
1974 Patricia (Patty) Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley, CA, by the
Symbionese Liberation Army.
1976 An earthquake in Guatemala and Honduras killed more than 22,000
people.
1985 U.S. President Ronald Reagan's defense budget called for a
tripling of the expenditure on the "Star Wars" research program.
1993 Russian scientists unfurled a giant mirror in orbit and flashed a
beam of sunlight across Europe during the night. Observers saw it only
as a momentary flash.
1997 A civil jury in California found O.J. Simpson liable in the death
of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Goldman's parents
were awarded $8.5 million in compensatory damages.
1997 Two Israeli troop-carrying helicopters collided on their way to
Lebanon, all 73 soldiers and airmen aboard were killed.
1997 President Milosevic of Serbia apparently surrendered to the will
of his people, ordering his government to recognize opposition
victories in local elections held in November 1996.
1997 Mario Lemieux (Pittsburgh Penguins) scored his 600th National
Hockey League (NHL) goal during his 719th game. Lemieux reached the
milestone second fastest in history. Gretzky had reached the plateau
during his 718th game.
1998 In northeast Afghanistan, at least 5,000 people were killed in an
earthquake that measured 6.1 on the Richter Scale.
1999 Warplanes from Israel attacked south Lebanon just after rockets
were fired toward Israel. No casualies were claimed on either side.
1999 Amadou Diallo, an unarmed West African immigrant, was shot and
killed in front of his Bronx home by four plainclothes New York City
police officers. The officers had been conducting a nighttime search
for a rape suspect.
2000 Austrian President Thomas Klestil swore in a coalition government
that included Joerg Haider's far-right Freedom Party. European Union
sanctions were a result of the action.
2003 Yugoslavia was formally dissolved by lawmakers. The country was
replaced with a loose union of its remaining two republics, Serbia and
Montenegro.
2004 The social networking website Facebook.com was launched.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, February 3
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Bank robber forgot his keys,
then the stolen money bag ripped
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 3 in
1690 The first paper money in America was issued by the Massachusetts
colony. The currency was used to pay soldiers that were fighting in
the war against Quebec. If they were killed, no real money was lost.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have
to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation
with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence.
--- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy.
"I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
______________________________________________________
After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the
old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But...where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks.
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works
on the Sabbath."
"But only kosher food you still eat?", asks mama.
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over
and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still
circumcised?"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken
little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said - "Holy Cow!
A talking chicken!"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
David Hamson, 39,
Salt Lake City,
Utah
Bank robber forgot his keys,
then the stolen money bag ripped
Things didn't go exactly as planned for an alleged bank robber in
Taylorsville Thursday.
Just before 5:30 p.m., a man entered America First Credit Union, 2715
W. 5400 South, claimed to have a gun and demanded money from two
tellers, said Unified Police Lt. Brian Lohrke.
After the man received an undisclosed amount of cash in a bag, he ran
out to his car, which was stolen. But when he got there, he realized
he had left the keys on the counter inside the bank, Lohrke said.
The man then attempted to run off, but his money bag snagged on
something and ripped. Money then started flying out of his bag, Lohrke
said. Witnesses saw the man running and directed police officers to
where he was last spotted.
Police arrested David Hamson, 39, a short time later in a neighborhood
just west of the bank. Lohrke said a "good portion" of the money was
recovered, but investigators believe some of the money went down a
storm drain.
Hamson was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of
aggravated robbery. He is also "a known suspect in bank robberies
which have occurred in West Valley City and Salt Lake City," according
to a jail report, and has several outstanding warrants.
Hamson has an extensive criminal background, according to court and
jail documents.
"David fled from South Salt Lake Police Department on (Wednesday).
David caused a traffic accident while fleeing and was not taken into
custody," the report states.
He was also booked into jail on Jan. 3 for investigation of having a
stolen vehicle, drug distribution, drug possession and theft. In that
incident, Hamson was spotted in a stolen vehicle in the parking lot of
Wal-Mart, 5469 S. Redwood Road, with a meth pipe and stolen checks
taken from another stolen vehicle, according to a jail report. He was
charged in 3rd District Court with three felonies for that case on
Jan. 9 and a warrant was issued for his arrest.
Hamson's extensive criminal history includes multiple cases of theft,
robbery, assault and drug-related crimes, according to court records.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Malcolm
Re: Too much spam
Dear Webby,
I can't keep up with my work because of all the spam I get.
And no, I can't change the company email addresses.
How good is that mailwasher that you keep mentioning?
I want your honest opinion of it.
Malcolm
Dear Malcolm
The reason I have the link for Mailwasher in the full version
of the Humor Letter is because I highly recommend it.
It reduces the 2000+ pieces of mail I get every day to the
200 that I need to see and answer. It washes the mail on
the server, without wasting time to download more than the
headers.
It's easy to use, and rock solid. I set it to check the mail
every 5 minutes. It downloads the headers and sorts and
color codes the list. I glance over it to check for false
positives, then hit F6. That causes it to dump the spam and
open Eudora for downloading the legitimate mail.
Unfortunately it does not have a feature for nuking the
spammers, but other than that, it has everything a
professinal grade spam control program should have.
If the version of the Humor Letter that you are subscribed
to doesn't have a button to get it, browse to
http://webby.com/mailwasherhttp://webby.com/mailwasher
Testdrive the free trial version, and if you like it, buy it
a month later. I have recommended MailWasher for about 18 and have
heard only good things about it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded
skunk on the side of the road.
They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the
car.
She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Awww, just hold its nose."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts...."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Don't Apply For Credit Too Often
Don't apply for credit if you think you will be denied.
Don't try to apply for credit cards too frequently.
Submitting too many credit applications in a short
period of time can lower your credit score and make
it more difficult to get credit when you really need it.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late
Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer.
"What happened?" said the farmer.
Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open,
"Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you
jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday."

And these are coming back? Oh I hope not!

Robert went to see his doctor. He wasn't feeling
well at all. He felt tired, run down, and generally
suffering from exhaustion.
"My diagnosis is simply that you are worn out," said
the doctor. "I believe you've been playing too much golf."
"Too much golf," exclaimed Robert. "What can I do?"
"You need to take some time off and relax," said the
doctor. "My advice to you is to spend some time at the office."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 3, in
1488 The Portuguese navigator Bartholomeu Diaz landed at Mossal Bay in
the Cape, the first European known to have landed on the southern
extremity of Africa.
1690 The first paper money in America was issued by the Massachusetts
colony. The currency was used to pay soldiers that were fighting in
the war against Quebec. If they were killed, no real money was lost.
1783 Spain recognized the independence of the United States.
1815 The world's first commercial cheese factory was established in
Switzerland.
1862 Thomas Edison printed the "Weekly Herald" and distributed it to
train passengers traveling between Port Huron and Detroit, MI. It was
the first time a newspaper had been printed on a train.
1869 Edwin Booth opened his new theatre in New York City. The first
production was "Romeo and Juliet".
1913 The 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified. It
authorized the power to impose and collect income tax.
1916 In Ottawa, Canada's original parliament buildings burned down.
1917 The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany, which had
announced a policy of unrestricted submarine warfare.
1918 The Twin Peaks Tunnel began service. It is the longest streetcar
tunnel in the world at 11,920 feet.
1941 In Vichy, France, the Nazis used force to restore Pierre Laval to
office.
1945 Russia agreed to enter World War II against Japan when it became
obvious, that the US was winning and Tokyo was being bombed daily.
1951 Dick Button won the U.S. figure skating title for the sixth time.
1966 The first rocket-assisted controlled landing on the Moon was made
by the Soviet space vehicle Luna IX.
1972 The first Winter Olympics in Asia were held at Sapporo, Japan.
1984 Challenger 4 was launched as the tenth space shuttle mission.
1998 In Italy, a U.S. Military plane hit a cable causing the death of
20 skiers on a lift.
2009 Eric Holder was sworn in as attorney general. He was the first
African-American to hold the post.
2010 The Alberto Giacometti sculpture L'Homme qui marche sold for
$103.7 million.
2015 The British House of Commons voted to approve letting scientist
create babies from the DNA of three people.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, February 2
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
English woman was raped at gunpoint by men in
‘twisted tag team’ in front of her dad
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 2 in
1536 The Argentine city of Buenos Aires was founded by
Pedro de Mendoza of Spain.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
I don't really trust a sane person.
--- Lyle Alzado (1949 - 1992)
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
--- Robert Byrne
One forgives to the degree that one loves.
--- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
It's not the years in your life but the life in your years
that counts.
--- Adlai Stevenson-Nightingale
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Lilly for this story:
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or
"Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and
Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my
husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked
for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with
what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of
labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food."
My frustration is reduced because no matter what my
husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner,
I know that it will be there waiting.
______________________________________________________
A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and
torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern
medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but
insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered
cosmetic. He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium
for $6,500 and large for $14,000.
The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor
suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before
a final decision was made.
The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man
called his wife and told her their options.
The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did
you make a decision?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
The teacher asked little Johnny,
"Can you name four shooting stars?"
Little Johnny said, "I sure can. Wyatt Earp,
Annie Oakley, Buffalo Bill, and John Wayne."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Aquib Ahmed, 18,
Sheffield,
England
Woman was raped at gunpoint by men in
‘twisted tag team’ in front of her dad
An 18-year-old man who repeatedly raped a young woman at gunpoint has
been jailed for 20 years. Police said Aquib Ahmed and a 16-year-old
boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, operated as a ‘twisted tag
team’ as they subjected the woman, who is in her 20s, to ‘a
disgusting, heartless attack’. The pair broke into a house in the Fir
Vale area of Sheffield in March last year looking for drugs and
threatening the man and his daughter inside, South Yorkshire Police
said. Hunt for cyclist who sexually assaults women while riding past
them But they realised they had targeted the wrong house as the
occupants had no criminal or drugs connections. The pair returned
three days later when they subjected the young woman to ‘a disgusting,
heartless attack’. Detective Constable David Devey said: ‘They
returned to the house, purely for their own sexual gratification,
where they threatened the man and his daughter at gunpoint before they
each raped the young woman repeatedly.
‘Ahmed told the man and his daughter he’d kill them both if they
reported what happened to police.’ Temporary Detective Inspector Anna
Sedgwick who led the investigation, said: ‘The victims quite rightly
viewed their home as a safe place, where they could relax and spend
time with each other.
Police confirmed that Ahmed, of Barnsley Road, Fir Vale, Sheffield was
jailed for 20 years on Wednesday after pleading guilty to two counts
of rape and possession of a firearm with intent to cause fear of
violence at an earlier hearing. The 16-year-old boy was jailed for six
years after pleading guilty to the same offences.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Ellen
Re: PayPal split payment
Dear Webby,
Can I split an invoice into two separae PayPal payments,
one to me and one to my partner, by putting another
PayPal button onto the Thank-You page?
Ellen
Dear Ellen
Technically you could do that. But when PayPal catches you,
then you and your partner will suddenly, without any warning,
have no more PayPal accounts, and extreme difficulty getting
new ones.
PayPal is very easy to get along with, as long as you follow
the rules. Their rules are quite clear about that:
No split payments.
I don't know their exact reasoning for that rule, but I have
a hunch they were told by the IRS to be strict about that.
That means, YOU have to report the income for the whole
amount, file a W9 for your partner, and report paying your
partner.
You can do it with two totally separate invoices, with
absolutely no detectable link between them.
For the same legal reason, you also can not collect for somebody else.
You have to collect for a company, and then let the company pay your
partner.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman. "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
"No peer pressure" she responded.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband,
"Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs.
Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper
costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson.
"A lot of good it does YOU to go to church."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Debt Consolidation Warning
Debt consolidation can offer a great opportunity for people
that have amassed large amounts of credit card debt at
unfavorable interest rates. You can get lower, more
manageable monthly payments and reduce the number of
bills you have to pay each month. The problem many people
have is that they then start using their newly paid off credit
cards again and end up with even more debt. If you don't
change your spending habits, debt consolidation merely
enables you to get further in debt.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he
returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.
"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return,"
she said.
"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if
you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I
didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for
you at the front door."

Oh, wouldn't this be nice!

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a
Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from
the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove
by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called
out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are
having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.
"Johnny Cooper is standing out on the balcony too," his
son replied.
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 2, in
1536 The Argentine city of Buenos Aires was founded by Pedro de
Mendoza of Spain.
1653 New Amsterdam, now known as New York City, was incorporated.
1848 The Mexican War was ended with the signing of the Treaty of
Guadalupe Hidalgo. The treaty turned over portions of land to the
U.S., including Texas, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, California
and parts of Colorado and Wyoming. The U.S. gave Mexico $15,000,000
and assumed responsibility of all claims against Mexico by American
citizens. Texas had already entered the U.S. on December 29, 1845.
1848 The first shipload of Chinese imemigrants arrived in San
Francisco, CA.
1863 Samuel Langhorne Clemens used a pseudonym for the first time. He
is better remembered by the pseudonym which is Mark Twain.
1878 Greece declared war on Turkey.
1880 The S.S. Strathleven arrived in London with the first successful
shipment of frozen mutton from Australia.
1887 The beginning of Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, PA.
1892 William Painter patented the bottle cap.
1893 The Edison Studio in West Orange, NJ, made history when they
filmed the first motion picture close-up. The studio was owned and
operated by Thomas Edison.
1913 Grand Central Terminal officially opened at 12:01 a.m. Even
though construction was not entirely complete more than 150,000 people
visited the new terminal on its opening day.
1935 Leonard Keeler conducted the first test of the polygraph machine,
in Portage, WI.
1943 During World War II, the remainder of Nazi forces from the Battle
of Stalingrad surrendered to the Soviets. Stalingrad has since been
renamed Volgograd.
1945 U.S. President Roosevelt and British Prime Minister Winston
Churchill left for a summit in Yalta with Soviet leader Josef Stalin.
1946 The first Buck Rogers automatic pistol was made.
1946 The Mutual Broadcasting System aired "Twenty Questions" for the
first time on radio. The show moved to television 3 years later.
1962 The 8th and 9th planets aligned for the first time in 400 years.
1971 Idi Amin assumed power in Uganda after a coup that ousted
President Milton Obote.
1980 The situation known as "Abscam" began when reports surfaced that
the FBI had conducted a sting operation that targeted members of the
U.S. Congress. Phony Arab businessmen were used in the operation.
1989 The final Russian armored column left Kabul, Afghanistan, after
nine years of military occupation.
1990 South African President F.W. de Klerk lifted a ban on the African
National Congress and promised to free Nelson Mandela.
1998 U.S. President Clinton introduced the first balanced budget in 30
years.
1999 19 people were killed at Luanda international airport when a
cargo plane crashed just after takeoff.
1999 Hugo Chávez Frías took office. He had been elected president of
Venezuela in December 1998.
2004 It was reported that a white powder had been found in an office
of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. The CDC (Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention) later confirmed that the powder was the poison
ricin.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, February 1
You can sleep in tomorrow.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Escaped Texas inmate arrested running back
to jail with bag of booze, food
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, February 1 in
1788 Isaac Briggs and William Longstreet patented the steamboat.
1900 Eastman Kodak Co. introduced the $1 Brownie box camera.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Some people never go crazy.
What truly horrible lives they must lead.
--- Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Hilde for this story:
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me
with questions about my newly pierced ears. "Does the hole
go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed,
and then one solemn voice called out,
"How far away did they stand?"
And Bubba asked: "Did they get both ears with one shot?"
______________________________________________________
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep
to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I
showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student.
In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his
student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the
surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the
ER to suture a minor laceration. I was stitching away,
wearing a tuxedo, when I encountered that same medical
resident. He looked at me, then said to his student,
"Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Clown fish
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
An employment interviewer for a big company in Atlanta was
talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job.
Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed
that the girl had not answered one important question
concerning transportation to and from work.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply,
"but it's 38-D."
_____________________________________________________
Reported by the Bausell Sailor:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Joshua Hansen,
25,
in federal prison in Beaumont, now,
Texas
Escaped Texas inmate arrested running back
to jail with bag of booze, food
An escaped inmate in Texas is back behind bars, after authorities
caught him running back to the prison with a duffel bag of alcohol,
home-cooked food and tobacco.
Jefferson County Sheriff's officers and U.S. Marshals were tipped off
that inmates were escaping the federal prison in Beaumont, Texas, and
crossing onto a rancher's land that backs up to the federal complex.
The inmates would then pick up contraband that was dropped off for
them and bring it back to the prison.
After authorities set up surveillance on Wednesday, they spotted a
truck pulling onto the private property and dropping off a large bag.
Shortly after, Joshua Hansen, an inmate serving time for narcotics
charges, was seen running from prison grounds, grabbing the bag and
making his way back when police arrested him.
Inside the duffel bag, police found three bottles of Brandy, one
bottle of Whiskey, multiple bags of Buglar tobacco, prepackaged snacks
and a large amount of home-cooked food, including BBQ sausage and
fried chicken.
Hansen, 25, is charged with escape and possession of marijuana,
according to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office. He is currently on
a federal hold.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Ormond
Re: Spreadsheet to web page
Dear Webby,
Is there an easy way to transfer part of a spreadsheet to
a web page?
Thanks
Ormond
Dear Ormond
Copy the parts, that you want to transfer, into a new
spreadsheet, and save that one as an HTML web page.
Open that file, and copy the entire table that is in it,
and paste it into the page where you want it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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February Holidays
Feb. 1.........Freedom Day
.............Give Kids a Smile Day
.............Robinson Crusoe Day
Feb. 2.......Groundhog Day
...............Sled Dog Day
Feb. 3..........National Girls & Women in Sports Day
............The Day the Music Died (look it up, youngsters!)
Feb. 4..........Quacker Day
............Thank a Mailman Day
Feb. 5..........Wear Red Day
............National Weatherman's Day
Feb. 6..........MOBIUS Awards Day
............Lame Duck Day
Feb. 7..........Ballet Day
............Charles Dickens Day
............Send a Card to a Friend Day
Feb. 8..........Kite Flying Day
............Boy Scout Birthday
Feb. 9..........Read in the Bathtub Day
Feb. 10........Umbrella Day
Feb. 11........National Shut-in Visitation Day
............Make a Friend Day
............White T-Shirt Day
Feb. 12........Lincoln's Birthday
............Safety Pup Day
............National Plum Pudding Day
Feb. 13........Get a Different Name Day
Feb. 14........Valentine's Day
............Ferris Wheel Day
............Library Lovers' Day
............League of Women Voters Day
............Race Relations Day
Feb. 15........Susan B. Anthony Day
............National Gum Drop Day
Feb. 16........Pancake Day
............Do a Grouch a Favor Day
Feb. 17........World Human Spirit Day
............Random Acts of Kindness Day
............Champion Crab Races Day
Feb. 18........Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day
............Pluto Day
Feb. 19........National Chocolate Mint Day
Feb. 20........Clam Chowder Day
............World Day for Social Justice
............Love Your Pet Day
............Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
Feb. 21........Card Reading Day
Feb. 22........George Washington's Birthday
............Walking the Dog Day
............Be Humble Day
Feb. 23........Curling is Cool Day
............Tennis Day
............International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
Feb. 24........National Tortilla Chip Day
Feb. 25........National Chili Day
Feb. 26........Levi Strauss Day
............For Pete's Sake Day
............Tell a Fairy Tale Day
............Carnival Day
Feb. 27........International Polar Bear Day
............No Brainer Day
Feb. 28........National Tooth Fairy Day
............Floral Design Day

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"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn
right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at
35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard
the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Stop Charging and Start Using Cash
If your credit card debt is getting out of hand, the first
thing you need to do is stop using your credit cards.
Many people get into the mindset of "I'll pay it off later"
or "I'm already in debt, what will a little debt hurt?".
They keep using credit cards for everyday expenses
so they don't feel broke and don't have to change
their spending patterns. Retire your credit cards,
set up a budget and start paying with cash.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful,
innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by
the congregation.
His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit -
to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over,
the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a
drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so
convenient for your church members.
And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the
confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work
shift work.
However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says
"TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL" ... well, it has GOT TO GO!!

Artist Blows Glass Vases Directly Into Slabs of Live Edge Wood

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read,
"Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress
brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?...baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!"
he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, February 1, in
1788 Isaac Briggs and William Longstreet patented the steamboat.
1790 The U.S. Supreme Court convened for the first time in New York
City.
1793 France declared war on Britain and Holland.
1793 Ralph Hodgson patented oiled silk.
1842 In New York City, the "City Despatch Post" began operations. It
was a private company that was the first to introduce adhesive postage
stamps in the western hemisphere. The company was bought by the U.S.
governemnt a few months laster and renamed "United States City
Despatch Post."
1862 "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," by Julia Ward Howe was first
published in the "Atlantic Monthly."
1865 U.S. President Abraham Lincoln signed a Joint Resolution
submitting the proposed 13th Amendment to the states.
1867 In the U.S., bricklayers start working 8-hour days.
1884 The first edition of the Oxford English Dictionary was published.
1893 Thomas A. Edison completed work on the world's first motion
picture studio in West Orange, NJ.
1896 Puccini's opera "La Boheme" premiered in Turin.
1898 The Travelers Insurance Company of Hartford, CT, issued the first
automobile insurance policy. Dr. Truman Martin of Buffalo, NY, paid
$11.25 for the policy, which gave him $5,000 in liability coverage.
1900 Eastman Kodak Co. introduced the $1 Brownie box camera.
1913 Grand Central Terminal (also known as Grand Central Station)
opened in New York City, NY. It was the largest train station in the
world.
1919 The first Miss America was crowned in New York City.
1920 The first armored car was introduced.
1920 Canada's Royal North West Mounted Police changed their name to
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The organization was commissioned
in 1873.
1921 Carmen Fasanella registered as a taxicab owner and driver in
Princeton, New Jersey. Fasanella retired November 2, 1989 after 68
years and 243 days of service.
1929 Weightlifter Charles Rigoulet of France achieved the first 400
pound ‘clean and jerk’ as he lifted 402-1/2 pounds.
1930 The Times published its first crossword puzzle.
1946 Norwegian statesman Trygve Lie was chosen to be the first
secretary-general of the United Nations.
1951 The first telecast of an atomic explosion took place.
1951 The first X-ray moving picture process was demonstrated.
1957 P.H. Young became the first black pilot on a scheduled passenger
airline.
1958 The United Arab Republic was formed by a union of Egypt and
Syria. It was broken 1961.
1960 Four black college students began a sit-in protest at a lunch
counter in Greensboro, NC. They had been refused service.
1968 During the Vietnam War, South Vietnamese National Police Chief
Brig. Gen. Nguyen Ngoc Loan executed a Viet Cong officer and rapist
with a pistol shot to the head. The scene was captured in a news
photograph and thoroughly abused by the anti-war media.
1976 "Sonny and Cher" resumed on TV despite a real life divorce.
1979 Patty Hearst was released from prison after serving 22 months of
a seven-year sentence for bank robbery. Her sentence had been commuted
by U.S. President Carter.
1979 Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini was welcomed in Tehran as he ended
nearly 15 years of exile.
1987 Terry Williams won the largest slot machine payoff, at the time,
when won $4.9 million after getting four lucky 7s on a machine in
Reno, NV.
1991 A USAir jetliner crashed atop a commuter plane at Los Angeles
International Airport. 35 people were killed.
1994 Jeff Gillooly pled guilty in Portland, OR, for his role in the
attack on figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. Gillooly, Tonya Harding's ex-
husband, struck a plea bargain under which he confessed to
racketeering charges in exchange for testimony implicating Harding.
1996 Visa and Mastercard announced security measures that would make
it safe to shop on the Internet.
1999 Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky gave a deposition that
was videotaped for senators weighing impeachment charges against U.S.
President Clinton.
2001 Three Scottish judges found Abdel Basset al-Mergrahi guilty of
the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103, which killed 270 people. The
court said that Megrahi was a member of the Libyan intelligence
service. Al-Amin Khalifa, who had been co-accused, was acquitted and
freed.
2003 NASA's space shuttle Columbia exploded while re-entering the
Earth's atmosphere. All seven astronauts on board were killed.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, January 31
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Walmart Locks High-Theft Items,
Gets Slapped With Racism Lawsuit
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 31 in
1747 The first clinic specializing in the treatment of
venereal diseases was opened at London Dock Hospital.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

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please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
--- Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988)
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte
People with courage and character
always seem sinister to the rest.
--- Hermann Hesse
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before
starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me
preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Cookie for this report:
SILLY LAWSUITS
In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a
contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about
potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural
phenomenon: the wacky warning label.
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions:
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to
"Remove child before folding"
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
"Warning: May cause drowsiness
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor,
Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe
for drinking."
A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without
clothing.... and,
Never force any body part into the backrest area while the
rollers are moving."
A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.²"
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children
to play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the
Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions,
"Do not use near fire, flame or sparks"
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use
"while sleeping or unconscious"
A container of underarm deodorant says,
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner"
A household iron warns users:
"Never iron clothes while they are being worn"
A label with a hair dryer reads,
"Never use hair dryer while sleeping"
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns:
"Not intended for highway use"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
"May irritate eyes"
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for
bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of
the body they do not cover."
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
"Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax
as ear plugs or for any other function that involves
insertion into a body cavity."
On a washing machine: "Check contents to ensure no pets
are sleeping under the laundry."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Panther chameleon, lives in Madagascar, and is 17" - 20" long.
_____________________________________________________

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Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Thanks to Kati for this story:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she
was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned
into a telephone pole!"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Essie Grundy,
43,
Perris,
California
Walmart Locks High-Theft Items,
Gets Slapped With Racism Lawsuit
When Essie Grundy walked into the Walmart in the Riverside County,
California, town of Perris, she had to get assistance to get a 49-cent
comb out of a locked case. Now, she’s filing a lawsuit.
Why, you may ask? Well, according to KCBS-TV, the comb is a product
predominantly stolen by African-Americans — and according to Grundy,
the chain was engaging in racial discrimination by putting the comb
behind a locked case.
“I originally got the product from the Walmart in Riverside … and it
was such a good product, I wanted to introduce it to my older
children,” Grundy said at a news conference Friday.
“They didn’t have any more at the original Walmart that I got it from,
so I went to my neighborhood one, and that’s when I noticed all of the
African-American products was locked up under lock and key.”
“We have different textured hair than other people,” she added. “I
just feel that we should be treated equally,” noting that blacks
shouldn’t be treated differently “just because of a complexion.”
Walmart said they don't care about skin color, their computer just
notices which items get stolen the most. If an item never gets stolen,
then it won't be locked up.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Clyde
Re: Folder tasks
Dear Webby,
I have had no trouble before trying to print
pictures~~until today~~I click on start~~then My Pictures~~
when pictures appear, I select the one I want to print.
Up until today there was always a column to the left of
the pictures that says
"Print this picture"! Now that column has disappeared
and a column appears~~
PICTURE TASKS 1. Make a new folder 2. Publish this folder to
the web
3. Share this folder.
I don't have any pictures in folders~~they are all in
alphabetical order! I need to get the column back that says
"Print this picture"! If you can help I will greatly appreciate it!
Thank you!
Clyde
Dear Clyde
On my machine I have to right-click a picture to get the
OPEN
PRINT
EDIT
etc
menu.
But I am using the fast Classical Mode.
To get Folder Tasks, you need to switch to Task mode.
Click on TOOLS, Folder Options, General
and in there select "Show common tasks in folders"
APPLY
OK
Then, if you have folders showing in the left column,
close those, and your basic task list is back.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
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Her: "How's your history paper coming?"
Him: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Her: "Really?"
Him: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because
of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety,
always demanding. Finally the old girl died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed
to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much,
I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma
in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried.
"I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Discretionary Vs. Mandatory Spending
When making a budget, be sure to identify Discretionary and
Mandatory expenses. Mandatory expenses are things like
health insurance and rent that you cannot afford to do without.
Discretionary expenses are things that aren't crucial to you
or your families existence like a NetFlix subscription or
eating out. When times get rough financially or when you
want to save money for something, you can start by
eliminating discretionary expenses from your monthly budget.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your
mother says your prayers for you each night? Very
commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Russia's original Silicon Valley.

PETA upset at Six Flags roach contest
GURNEE, Ill. --People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
wants Six Flags Great America to scrap its Halloween-themed
cockroach-eating promotion.
A spokeswoman for the animal rights organization says the
contest at the amusement park's FrightFest is "gratuitously cruel."
The park in Gurnee, Ill., is joining other Six Flags parks in
offering unlimited line-jumping privileges to anyone who
eats a live Madagascar hissing cockroach. The bugs are
up to three inches long.
The contest begins next month.
Amusement park officials are defending their menu choice.
Great America spokesman Jim Taylor says the bugs are
nutritious, high in protein and fat free. It is rumored that
since the bugs routinely beat PETA officials in IQ tests,
the bugs may contain intelligence boosting proteins.
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 31, in
1606 Guy Fawkes was executed after being convicted for his role in the
"Gunpowder Plot" against the English Parliament and King James I.
1747 The first clinic specializing in the treatment of venereal
diseases was opened at London Dock Hospital.
1858 The Great Eastern, the five-funnelled steamship designed by
Brunel, was launched at Millwall.
1865 In America, General Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of
the Confederate armies.
1865 The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was passed by the
U.S. House of Representatives. It was ratified by the necessary number
of states on December 6, 1865. The amendment abolished slavery in the
United States.
1876 All Native American Indians were ordered to move into
reservations.
1893 The trademark "Coca-Cola" was first registered in the United
States Patent Office.
1917 Germany announced its policy of unrestricted submarine warfare.
1929 The USSR exiled Leon Trotsky. He found asylum in Mexico.
1930 U.S. Navy Lt. Ralph S. Barnaby became the first glider pilot to
have his craft released from a dirigible, a large blimp, at Lakehurst,
NJ.
1934 Jim Londos defeated Joe Savoldi in a one-fall match in Chicago,
IL. The crowd of 20,000 was one of the largest crowds to see a
wrestling match.
1944 During World War II, U.S. forces invaded Kwajalein Atoll and
other areas of the Japanese-held Marshall Islands.
1945 Private Eddie Slovik became the only U.S. soldier since the U.S.
Civil War to be executed for desertion.
1946 A new constitution in Yugoslavia created six constituent
republics (Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, Slovenia, Bosnia-Herzegovina,
Macedonia) subordinated to a central authority, on the model of the
USSR.
1950 U.S. President Truman announced that he had ordered development
of the hydrogen bomb.
1958 Explorer I was put into orbit around the earth. It was the first
U.S. earth satellite.
1971 Astronauts Alan B. Shepard Jr., Edgar D. Mitchell and Stuart A.
Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon.
1971 Telephone service between East and West Berlin was re-established
after 19 years.
1982 Sandy Duncan gave her final performance as "Peter Pan" in Los
Angeles, CA. She completed 956 performances without missing a show.
1983 The wearing of seat belts in cars became compulsory in Britain.
1983 JCPenney announced plans to spend in excess of $1 billion over
the next five years to modernize stores and to accelerate a
repositioning program.
1985 The final Jeep rolled off the assembly line at the AMC plant in
Toledo, OH.
1990 McDonald's Corp. opened its first fast-food restaurant in Moscow,
Russia.
1995 U.S. President Clinton invoked presidential emergency authority
to provide a $20 billion loan to Mexico to stabilize its economy.
1996 In Columbo, Sri Lanka, a truck was rammed into the gates of the
Central Bank. The truck filled with explosives killed at least 86 and
injured 1,400.
2000 An Alaska Airlines jet crashed into the ocean off Southern
California. All 88 people on board were killed.
2001 A Scottish court in the Netherlands convicted one Libyan and
acquitted a second in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie,
Scotland, that occurred in 1988.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, January 30
Thank you, Moe!!!
Back in the saddle again!
If the first Super Blue Moon Eclipse in 150 years interests you,
it is tomorrow night.
If you live in North America or the Hawaiian Islands, this lunar
eclipse will be visible in your sky before sunrise on January 31.
On the other hand, if you live in the Middle East, Asia, Indonesia,
Australia or New Zealand, this lunar eclipse will happen in the
evening hours after sunset on January 31.
Eclipse of the moon, but not a Super Blue Moon.
Click through for the full size picture.
I hope you have clear skies for tis once in a lifetime event!
If you don't have clear skies, you will still experince the clouds
suddenly go dark.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Suspect in manhunt said he'd die before going
back to jail, got rattled with PIT maneuvre
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 29 in
1820 Britain's King George III died insane at Windsor Castle.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

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please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
--- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding
reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old
bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting
about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire's less wealthy friends couldn't help but
feel jealous. In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed
such a young beauty.
"Simple", grinned the millionaire, "I faked my age."
His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he told her he
was.
"87 !" he replied.
-----------
I am not a millionaire, yet, but if she can fake "not too old",
I can fake 87.
Does that count?
______________________________________________________
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime
I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able
to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you
were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and
bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under
there now!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Mt Mayon, Philipines
_____________________________________________________

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_____________________________________________________
Thanks to Chris for this story:
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with
magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and
mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell
bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his
hands were three magnetic letters:
"G"-"O"-"D."
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud
smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on
the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Catholic education is certainly having an impact,
I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?"
_____________________________________________________
From Nancy:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Justin Llewelyn, 33,
Salt Lake City,
Utah
Suspect in manhunt said he'd die before going
back to jail, got rattled with PIT maneuvre
Justin Llewelyn, the man who sparked a five-day manhunt after
allegedly shooting a homeowner and firing at two police officers, told
others he would rather be killed by officers than go to jail, police
say.
"(Llewelyn) told numerous people that he was not going to go to jail
and he would do 'suicide by cop,'" a Salt Lake County Jail report
states.
Despite those menacing threats, Llewelyn was taken into custody
Wednesday without any gunfire following a chase through Utah County.
A deputy sustained minor injuries when he T-boned the pickup truck
Llewelyn was driving.
"My entire thought process was (to) get this guy stopped any way I
can," Utah County sheriff's deputy Justin Mortensen said Thursday,
adding he had been told the suspect was likely armed.
Llewelyn, 33, was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for
investigation of three counts of attempted murder, aggravated robbery,
aggravated burglary, possession of a firearm by a restricted person,
failing to stop for police and theft by receiving stolen property.
On Saturday morning, a Unified police officer attempted to stop and
talk to Llewelyn about his possible involvement in car burglaries in
the area, the report states. Llewelyn ran off. And while the officer
was running after him, "the officer heard what he believed were
gunshots" coming from Llewelyn.
A short time later, a second officer confronted Llewelyn who "began
firing a handgun in the officer's direction," the report states.
Llewelyn again ran off, this time into the home of Steve Smith, police
say. Smith said he found Llewelyn in his garage trying to steal his
car. That's when Smith said Llewelyn fired multiple shots at him,
striking the homeowner in the chest and side.
Investigators launched a large manhunt for Llewelyn that lasted for
five days.
Between 3:30 p.m. and 3:45 p.m. Wednesday, the Violent Fugitive
Apprehension Strike Force — a team consisting of U.S. marshals,
Unified police and other local agencies — spotted Llewelyn sitting in
a stolen pickup truck at Bicentennial Park, 1600 E. 1440 South, in
Provo, said Unified Police Lt. Brian Lohrke. He called it good
investigative work and not just coincidence that the strike force
spotted Llewelyn in Utah County, but he declined to go into detail.
"He's parked and stationary and the detectives are putting together a
plan to take him into custody right there because he was still
parked," Lohrke said.
The strike force called the Utah County Sheriff's Office to have
deputies get in position should the man flee, he said. While that was
happening, Llewelyn started to drive away.
When he got onto State Street, the strike force attempted to pull him
over, Lohrke said. That's when Llewelyn fled.
The ensuing 20-minute, 10-mile chase went south on U.S. 89 through
Springville into Spanish Fork. In Spanish Fork, Llewelyn turned his
truck around and started heading north on Main Street toward I-15,
according to Lohrke. At that point, Mortensen sought to make a PIT
manuever on the pickup truck, Lohrke said, intentionally bumping the
fleeing vehicle in an attempt to get it to spin out.
In this case, the vehicles crashed, causing heavy damage to both the
police car and the truck. As soon as the truck came to a stop, a large
number of officers with guns drawn swarmed on the vehicle. No other
motorists were injured.
"He pretty much gave up at that point. I think he was a little
rattled. But detectives were on him pretty quick," Lohrke said.
Llewelyn was treated for minor injuries at a local hospital before
being booked into jail.
Mortensen, who has worked in Utah County law enforcement for 20 years,
said he "just happened to be in the right spot" Wednesday afternoon.
Mortensen had a sore, bandaged wrist and cuts on his arms. He said his
face felt sunburned from his air bag's deployment, but he suffered no
broken bones and would do the same maneuver again today, if needed.
Llewelyn surrendered, Lohrke said, despite telling others that he was
willing to die at the hands of police, and despite officers spotting a
handgun inside the truck.
Usually, with a pit maneuvre the chaser gently nudges the fugitive's
rear bumper and gets him to spin out and hit a tree or bushes.
In this case, the chaser was not following the fugitive, but going in
the opposite direction, at high speed.
So he crossed over and T-boned the fugitive.
The fugitive was "a bit rattled" and did not resist arrest after that.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Yuko
Re: MalwareBytes
Dear Webby,
I love Malwarebytes, but yesterday's update seems to be buggy.
Is that just my computer messed up, or is it really MalwareBytes?
Yuko
Dear Yuko
It was indeed a buggy update.
They admitted it on their forum within hours and had a tearful apology
and a fix available.
Just download the current update and reboot, and if you get that
yellow pop-up about not all levels of protection being enabled, close
it with CTRL F4. That is the bug.
You don't need the Web Site protection anyway, unless you let little
kids use your machine. It is just an overactive Babysitter.
You can also turn it off from the Dashboard in the account manager.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Anna for this story:
I decide to clean off the front patio.
I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk
that needs to be taken
down to the Post Office.
OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered.
I lay the car keys down on desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the
trash can is full. OK, I'll
just put the bills on my desk . . .
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out.
But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll
address a few bills . .
Yes, Now where is the checkbook?
Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I
put the extra checks?
Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk.
I'm going to look for those checks . . .
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I start to head for the kitchen and look out at
my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the
extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and
there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.
What are they doing here?
I'll just put them away . . .
BUT FIRST need to water those plants.
I head for the door and . . .
Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot.
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the
plants on my balcony . . .
BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills
still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only
one check left, lost my car keys . . .
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing
got done today, I'm baffled because . . .
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious . . .
I should get help . . .
BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear
day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running
commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which
is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was
formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150
feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth
at about 40,000 miles an hour a few Million years ago,
scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.
The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet
deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim,
"Wow! It just missed the highway!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Create Your Ideal Budget
Start by listing everything that you spend money on each
month and how much you spend. Add up the list to get your
current total budget. Once you have that information you
can start creating your ideal budget. Look for ways that
you can cut your spending in each category and then list
the ideal amount next to current amount. At the end of the
month, calculate your spending and see how close you
came to meeting your ideal spending amounts.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
A judge is at lunch one hot summer day and orders coffee
with his meal. His companion says, "In this weather, you ought
to order iced drinks, Judge --
sharp, iced drinks. Have you ever tried a gin and tonic?"
"No," says the judge. "But I have tried many men who have."

A new way to knit.

President Calvin Coolidge was notorious for his reluctance
to talk. One Sunday he went to church by himself, and when
he returned to the White House, his wife asked,
"Was the sermon good?"
"Yes," the President told her.
"What was it about?" she asked.
"Sin."
"What did the minister say?"
"Seems to be against it."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 29, in
1820 Britain's King George III died insane at Windsor Castle.
1845 Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" was published for the first time in
the "New York Evening Mirror."
1848 Greenwich Mean Time was adopted by Scotland.
1850 Henry Clay introduced in the Senate a compromise bill on slavery
that included the admission of California into the Union as a free
state.
1856 Britain's highest military decoration, the Victoria Cross, was
founded by Queen Victoria.
1886 The first successful petrol-driven motorcar, built by Karl Benz,
was patented.
1916 In World War I, Paris was bombed by German zeppelins for the
first time.
1924 R. Taylor patented the ice cream cone rolling machine.
1940 The W. Atlee Burpee Seed Company displayed the first tetraploid
flowers at the New York City Flower Show.
1949 "The Newport News" was commissioned as the first air-conditioned
naval ship in Virginia.
1963 Britain was refused entry into the EEC.
1966 "Sweet Charity" opened at the Palace Theatre in New York City. It
ran for 608 performances.
1979 U.S. President Carter formally welcomed Chinese Vice Premier Deng
Xiaoping to the White House. The visit followed the establishment of
diplomatic relations.
1987 "Physician’s Weekly" announced that the smile on the face of
Leonardo DeVinci's Mona Lisa was caused by a "...facial paralysis
resulting from a swollen nerve behind the ear."
1990 Joseph Hazelwood, the former skipper of the Exxon Valdez, went on
trial in Anchorage, AK, on charges that stemmed from America's worst
oil spill. Hazelwood was later acquitted of all the major charges and
was convicted of a misdemeanor.
1996 French President Jacques Chirac announced the "definitive end" to
nuclear testing.
1996 La Fenice, the 204 year old opera house in Venice, was destroyed
by fire. Arson was suspected.
1997 America Online agreed to give refunds to frustrated customers
under threat of lawsuits across the country. Customers were unable to
log on after AOL offered a flat $19.95-a-month rate.
1998 A bomb exploded at an abortion clinic in Birmingham, AL, killing
an off-duty policeman and severely wounding a nurse. Eric Rudolph was
charged with this bombing and three other attacks in Atlanta.
1999 Paris prosecutors announced the end of the investigation into the
accident that killed Britain's Princess Diana.
1999 The U.S. Senate delivered subpoenas for Monica Lewinsky and two
presidential advisers for private, videotaped testimony in the
impeachment trial.
2001 In Indonesia, thousands of student protesters stormed the
parliament property and demanded that President Abdurrahman Wahid quit
due to his alleged involvement in two corruption scandals. Wahid
announced that he would not resign.
2014 Archaeologists announced that they had uncovered what they
believed to be the oldest temple in Roman antiquity. The temple was
found at the Sant'Omobono site in central Rome. he Sant'Omobono temple
site dates to 7th–6th century BC, making this pair the oldest known
temple remains in Rome.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, January 26
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Happy Australia Day!
Today, about the time you read this issue, I will be in
Calgary for injections into my eyeballs.
While I grope around in the dark, you get a vacation on
Saturday, Sunday and probably Monday.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Harrisburg, PA, man arrested for attacking
nurses, guards at Hershey Medical Center
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 26 in
1500 Vicente Yáñez Pinzón discovered Brazil.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy
who's only read two.
--- George Burns (1896 - 1996)
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs
treat us as equals.
--- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
--- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against
one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every
ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the
remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked,
"When will the girls and boys meet?"
Mathematician: "Never."
Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close
enough for all practical purposes."
______________________________________________________
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "... or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.
"I'm the groom!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Colombia National Award 2017
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
A journalist was stopped at a checkpoint in a suburb of
Chechnya.
The soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The journalist replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the
car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll
roll back down the hill."
So the soldier says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!"
He pulls the journalist from the car, slides into the drivers
seat, and stamping his big boot onto the brake pedal yells
"Now, go and open the trunk!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers
request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the soldier from inside the car, "Is there
any contraband in there?"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Ibrahim T. Beidari, 33,
Harrisburg,
Pennsylvania
Harrisburg, PA, man arrested for attacking
nurses, guards at Hershey Medical Center
A Harrisburg man already accused of attempting to murder his
unborn child is facing additional charges after allegedly
attacking two nurses and a security guard at Penn State Hershey
Medical Center, according to Derry Township police.
Ibrahim T. Beidari, 33, of the 7300 block of Cobble Stone
Drive, is chargd with aggravated assault, strangulation,
possessing the instruments of crime, and terroristic threats
stemming from an incident that occurred Tuesday at the Medical
Center.
Police say Beidari physically assaulted the staff members,
using a razor blade in one case.
According to the criminal complaint, one of the victims told
police she was going to a supply room to get the suspect some
items to clean up with. When the nurse opened the door, Beidari
allegedly pushed his way into the room, grabbed the nurse, and
wrapped his arm around her throat while holding a razor blade
to the side of her neck. During the struggle, the nurse
sustained three small lacerations to her right middle finger,
police say.
Another nurse arrived and attempted to calm Beidari down,
police say. She then attempted to grab the razor blade from
him. During the struggle, she received a cut to her left index
finger, but was able to successfully remove the razor from
Beidari’s hand, the criminal complaint says.
Beidari then allegedly grabbed a medical scalpel and held it to
the nurse’s throat. A security guard entered the room, told
Beidari to drop the scalpel, and threatened to spray him with
pepper spray, the criminal complaint says. Beidari refused to
comply, allegedly saying “I’m going to kill her,” while
continuing to hold the scalpel to the nurse’s neck, according
to the criminal complaint.
The security guard then sprayed Beidari with pepper spray and
attempted to disarm him, but Beidari stabbed the guard with the
scalpel, giving him a puncture wound to his left forearm, the
criminal complaint says.
Additional security then arrived and successfully restrained
Beidari.
Beidari was transferred to the Dauphin County Judicial Booking
Center for arraignment.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Carol
Re: Slow Computer
Dear Webby,
I enjoy reading your site, I learn a lot from you.
A question:
My computer has been running slower than usual; I have run
a virus scan, ccleaner, and defraged. My hourglass seems
to run all the time, meaning it flashes on and off very
quickly.
I don't know what else to do to clean up my computer so it
can run better. Also, I checked my startup and I have no idea
how all of the programs got in there! What do we need to
have in startup?
Many thanks,
Carol
Dear Carol
The tools in Spybot-Search&Destroy let you weed out the
start-ups. Switch Spybot to Advanced, and you'll see the tools.
The second tool from the bottom is for controlling the
start-up programs.
Each program has a description and it won't let you kill
those that you really need.
There is also a program called
Should I
Remove it
that does the same, and shows you how many others have removed
certain programs.
For best results, use both!
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
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The following ads actually appeared in newspapers
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
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FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
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NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each
other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me
he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother
used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to
your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my
ladder. It's my dad's."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Thrifty Reusable Napkins
Instead of paper towels, we use washcloths for napkins.
The cheap ones work great, and you can wash and reuse
them. By CB
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
With some looking around, you can often find sampler packs
of micro-fiber cloths. My favorites are the 8" x 8" in
assorted colors. As long as you don't put them into the dryer
after washing, they beat cotton or linen napkins 20 to 1.
DearWebby
____________________________________________________
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any
gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore.
As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What
did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got
'em all."

A look back at the turbulent year of 1968, 50 years ago.

In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon
with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous
haired model.
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and
settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune
and got to work on her thin, graying hair.
Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she
recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 26, in
1500 Vicente Yáñez Pinzón discovered Brazil.
1736 Stanislaus I formally abdicated as King of Poland.
1784 In a letter to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin expressed
unhappiness over the eagle as the symbol of America. He wanted
the symbol to be the turkey.
1788 The first European settlers in Australia, led by Captain
Arthur Phillip, landed in what became known as Sydney. The
group had first settled at Botany Bay eight days before. This
day is celebrated as Australia Day.
1827 Peru seceded from Colombia in protest against Simón
Bolívar's alleged tyranny.
1841 Britain formally occupied Hong Kong, which the Chinese had
ceded to the British.
1875 George F. Green patented the electric dental drill for
sawing, filing, dressing and polishing teeth.
1905 The Cullinan diamond, at 3,106.75 carats, was found by
Captain Wells at the Premier Mine, near Pretoria, South Africa.
1911 Inventor Glenn H. Curtiss flew the first successful
seaplane.
1939 In the Spanish Civil War, Franco's forces, with Italian
aid, took Barcelona.
1942 The first American expeditionary force to go to Europe
during World War II went ashore in Northern Ireland.
1950 India officially proclaimed itself a republic as Rajendra
Prasad took the oath of office as president.
1950 The American Associated Insurance Companies, of St. Louis,
MO, issued the first baby sitter’s insurance policy.
1961 U.S. President John F. Kennedy appointed Dr. Janet G.
Travell as the first woman to be the "personal physician to the
President".
1962 The U.S. launched Ranger 3 to land scientific instruments
on the moon. The probe missed its target by about 22,000 miles.
1965 Hindi was made the official language of India.
1969 California was declared a disaster area after two days of
flooding and mudslides.
1972 In Hermsdorf, Czechoslovakia, a JAT Yugoslav Airlines
flight crashed after the detonation of a bomb in the forward
cargo hold killing 27 people. The bomb was believed to have
been placed on the plane by a Croatian extremist group. Vesna
Vulovic, a stewardess, survived after falling 33,000 feet in
the tail section. She broke both legs and became paralyzed from
the waist down.
1979 The ‘Gizmo’ guitar synthesizer was first demonstrated.
1992 Russian president Boris Yeltsin announced that his country
would stop targeting U.S. cities with nuclear weapons.
1993 Former Czechoslovak President Vaclav Havel was elected
president of the new Czech Republic.
1994 In Sydney, Australia, a young man lunged at and fired two
blank shots at Britain's Prince Charles.
1998 U.S. President Clinton denied having an affair with a
former White House intern, saying "I did not have sexual
relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."
1999 Saddam Hussein vowed revenge against the U.S. in response
to air-strikes that reportedly killed civilians. The strikes
were U.S. planes defending themselves against anti-aircraft
fire.
2009 The Icelandic government and banking system collapsed.
Prime Minister Geir Haarde resigned.
2010 It was announced that James Cameron's movie "Avatar" had
become the highest-grossing film worldwide.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, January 25
Tomorrow, about the time you read the Friday issue, I have to
go to Calgary for injections into my eyeballs.
While I grope myself around in the dark, you get a vacation on
Saturday, Sunday and probably Monday.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Man claims he mistook neighbor’s house for his own,
killed homeowner thinking he was an intruder
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 25 in
1504 The English Parliament passed statutes against retainers
and liveries to curb private warfare.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
--- Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)
What we become depends on what we read after all of the
professors have finished with us. The greatest university of
all is a collection of books.
--- Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and
when to mind your speech.
--- Socratex
The right to be heard does not automatically include the
right to be taken seriously.
--- Hubert H. Humphrey
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a
Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars
and were told to use that money to find out exactly
how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.
The physics student went out, purchased some
stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator,
and some friends. He had them all time the drop of
ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out
the height from the time it took for the bearings to
accelerate from rest until they impacted with the
sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going
down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line,
measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the
length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings
roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry
to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this
experiment done, they were up plenty late studying
for other courses' exams. These two students
bumped into the engineering student the next day,
who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he
did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well,
I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked
him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy
hour!"
______________________________________________________
He was so in love with her that he offered her anything
that she may desire.
"All I want," she cooed, "is a solid gold Boy Scout knife."
"But you can have anything in the world!", exclaimed the
stunned suitor.
"That's all I want." cooed the doll.
When he brought her the solid gold Boy Scout knife, she
beamed happily.
"Are you sure that this is all that you want to make you
happy?" inquired the still mystified suitor. "What are
you going to do with it?"
She opened a hope chest to put the knife inside, thereby
revealing hundreds of similar gold Boy Scout knives.
"But....but...WHY?" stammered the confused man.
"Well," she explained, "right now I'm very young and
beautiful and everybody wants me. But when I grow old,
and not so attractive and desireable...can you imagine
what a Boy Scout will do for one of these knives?"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their
exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more
devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Goldschein with a sniff.
"Every
summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every
winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Sarah does for me,"
declared Mrs. Blumenstein proudly.
"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami,
and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons,
in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Rosenthal sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her
mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best
psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty
dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
_____________________________________________________
Reported by the Bausell Sailor:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Michael G. Augustine,
Raytown,
Missouri
Man claims he mistook neighbor’s house for his own,
killed homeowner thinking he was an intruder
A Missouri man was charged with involuntary manslaughter after
he allegedly went to his neighbor’s home, thinking it was his
own, then choked the homeowner to death.
Police believe Michael G. Augustine was drunk at the time he
allegedly killed 60-year-old Clifton King, according to WDAF.
King died in his front yard Friday night, after he came to his
door to find Augustine, one of his neighbors, trying to come
inside.
Neighbors told WDAF that Augustine, who lives further down the
block, believed that it was his home, and that King had broken
in.
During the incident, Augustine called 911 to report that he had
an intruder in a choke hold. But when officers arrived at his
address, no one was there. They later found both men about a
block up the street at King's house.
According to court documents, police believe Augustine was
drunk because his speech was incoherent and officers noted a
strong smell of alcohol.
A neighbor, who did not want her face to appear on camera
because the incident has made her concerned for her own safety,
said she watched paramedics try to revive King - a military
veteran - for about half an hour.
"He served our country and that was not an honorable way to
treat him," the woman said. "I think that it’s sad. It’s sad!
Someone had to give up their life because someone was so messed
up they didn’t know it wasn’t their home."
Other neighbors said that King had been homeless at one time in
his life because he couldn't find a job, but since moving on
the block he was friendly and kind.
Some feel guilty about not immediately calling police
themselves when they heard the commotion. They said there are
often arguments on the block, and some say it's better for them
not to get involved.
Prosecutors have charged Augustine with first degree
involuntary manslaughter, but neighbors said he's already
posted bond and moved out of the area.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Ann
Re: CrapCleaner
Dear Webby,
I have been using ccleaner and just love it,
Is there a way I can set it to run automatically???
I have it set to start when the pc starts, but for some
reason, it doesn't clean, and also doesn't get into the
bottom right side of the toolbar
Thanks
Ann
Dear Ann
It's best to run CrapCleaner before shutting down, or
whenever your memory gets too bunged up. A Windows
start-up is like the proverbial "Chinese Fire Drill" and it's
best not to add anything to that.
The reason you don't see CrapCleaner at the bottom right
side of the toolbar, where the running programs are, is
because once CrapCleaner has done it's chores, it politely
exits and goes away. It does not use up any resources while
it waits for the next time you need it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Bill for this story:
Ann noticed me standing on the bathroom scale, pulling in my
rather ample tummy.
Smartass that she is, she said, "I don't think that's going to
help much, hon."
I said, "Sure it does. How else can I see the numbers on
the scale?"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A small company that had frequent break-ins installed a new
security system with alarms, codes and key pads. Late one
night the alarm went off and the police raced to the scene.
Outside the building, wandering around the grounds, they
spotted and apprehended a suspect.
The police called the Security Director for the company and
said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy. He tried to pass as
an employee, but he knows nothing about your business."
The Security Director said, "Oh, that's probably the
president of the company. You better let him go."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Refresh Your House Plants
Take advantage of a light rain and set your houseplants
outside. Just like giving them plant food and you don't have
to pay for it. Helps keep the plants clean, too! By Linda
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
A man walked into his friend's office and found him sitting at
his desk, looking very depressed, so he asked him what
was wrong.
His friend said sadly, "Oh, it's my wife.
She hired a new secretary for me."
The man said, "Well, there is nothing wrong in that.
Is she blonde or brunette or a redhead?"
"Neither. Her father is bald."

The best science images of 2017

A little boy was digging for fishing bait in the garden with
his father. He uncovered a creature with many legs and proudly
held it up for his father to see.
"No, son, he won't work for bait," his father said.
"He's not an earthworm."
"He's not?" the little boy said, his eyes wide.
"What planet is he from?"
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 25, in
1504 The English Parliament passed statutes against retainers
and liveries to curb private warfare.
1533 England's King Henry VIII secretly married his second wife
Anne Boleyn. Boleyn later gave birth to Elizabeth I.
1579 The Treaty of Utrecht was signed marking the beginning of
the Dutch Republic.
1799 Eliakim Spooner patented the seeding machine.
1858 Mendelssohn’s "Wedding March" was presented for the first
time at the wedding of the daughter of Queen Victoria and the
Crown Prince of Prussia.
1870 G.D. Dows patented the ornamental soda fountain.
1881 Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell and others signed an
agreement to organize the Oriental Telephone Company.
1890 The United Mine Workers of America was founded.
1915 In New York, Alexander Graham Bell spoke to his assistant
in San Francisco, inaugurating the first transcontinental
telephone service.
1924 The 1st Winter Olympic Games were inaugurated in Chamonix
in the French Alps.
1946 The United Mine Workers rejoined the American Federation
of Labor.
1959 In the U.S., American Airlines had the first scheduled
transcontinental flight of a Boeing 707.
1961 John F. Kennedy presented the first live presidential news
conference from Washington, DC. The event was carried on radio
and television.
1971 Maj. Gen. Idi Amin led a coup that deposed Milton Obote
and became president of Uganda.
1981 The 52 Americans held hostage by Iran for 444 days arrived
in the United States and were reunited with their families.
1987 The New York Giants defeated the Denver Broncos, 39-20, in
Super Bowl XXI on NBC. The game featured TV commercials cost
$550,000 for 30 seconds.
1999 In Louisville, KY, man received the first hand transplant
in the United States.
2011 A revolution began in Egypt with the demonstrations that
demanded the end of President Hosni Mubarak's rule.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, January 24
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
7-year sentence for killer in case with
Facebook selfie evidence
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 24 in
1848 James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at
Sutter's Mill in northern California. The discovery led
to the gold rush of '49.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Humans are not proud of their ancestors,
and rarely invite them round to dinner.
--- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully
as when they do it from a religious conviction.
--- Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a
convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the
priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease
peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to
increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
______________________________________________________
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer
able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and
instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then
ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the
answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally
one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the
pediatrician.
The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little
Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny,
"Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded
and whispered in his ear.
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and
handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her
purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the
unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have.
Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her
the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions,
it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Cheyenne Rose Antoine, 21,
Saskatoon,
Saskatchewan
7-year sentence for killer in case with
Facebook selfie evidence
Saskatoon police say a Facebook selfie was instrumental in a
murder investigation that ended in a guilty plea and a seven-
year prison sentence for the killer.
On Monday morning, 21-year-old Cheyenne Rose Antoine pleaded
guilty to killing 18-year-old Brittney Gargol, who was
discovered fatally injured on a road near the Saskatoon
landfill two years ago.
Antoine says Gargol was her best friend and they had been out
drinking on the night of her death and got into an argument.
Antoine says she doesn't remember strangling her friend to
death, but doesn't dispute that she killed her.
Antoine was initially charged with second-degree murder, but
pleaded guilty to manslaughter inside a Saskatoon courtroom.
She was sentenced to seven years behind bars — a joint
submission request from the Crown and defence — early Monday
afternoon.
In court, Crown prosecutor Robin Ritter outlined a complicated
investigation that took nearly two years to complete.
One key piece of evidence was a belt, believed to be the murder
weapon, that was found lying by Gargol's body. A selfie on
Facebook, posted hours before Gargol's body was found, showed
Antoine wearing that same belt, which ultimately made her a
suspect in the crime.
Police used more Facebook posts to develop a timeline of
Antoine and Gargol's movements on the night of Gargol's death.
"It's quite remarkable how the police developed this
information," said Ritter.
The prosecutor said Antoine also used social media to lead
police on a wild goose chase. Several hours after Gargol's
death, the accused posted on Facebook, asking where Brittney
was.
She also told police the pair went to several bars, and Gargol
eventually met an unknown man and they left together.
Police were able to poke holes in Antoine's story that the pair
went to the Colonial Pub and Grill after reviewing security
tape evidence that showed they were never at the bar.
Ultimately, a tip led police to a witness, who said Antoine
confessed to the killing that night.
After getting drunk, Antoine told the friend that she hit
Gargol and strangled her. She showed up at her friend's house,
and hysterically confessed to how she had hurt her friend.
Ultimately, she told a friend she killed Gargol after getting
into a fight.
"No doubt this young women has issues...and because of those
issues she is dangerous," said Ritter.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Eileen
Re: Multiple file explorer panes
Dear Webby,
You explained once how to trick Windows into showing more
than one pane in the file explorer. I know, I can have more
than one file explorer open, but your system, which I had on
my last computer, is a lot easier and takes less screen space.
Unfortunately I forgot how to set that up, but I desperately
need it now for a major sorting job.
Eileen
Dear Eileen
Here is the way I set it up:
Open a file explorer and browse to the root of C:\
Drag the little icon from the left of the address bar to the
left bottom of the desktop. That's your masterkey for all
file managing.
In the file explorer, click on TOOLS, FOLDER OPTIONS
Select Classic Folders and
Open each folder in the same window.
Hit Apply and then OK.
Now you have a little icon on the top for Folders
Click that and the explorer will split, showing the folders
in the left pane, and the files of the highlighted folder in
the right pane.
Once you have highlighted a folder on the left, you can
slide it out of sight and even line up totally different
drives.
Don't click folders or drives on the left, just the plus signs
in front of them, if you want them to expand.
Once you have the destination folders in view on the left,
for example PIX, MUSIC, MOVIES, PPS on your external
back-up drive, you can drag files or groups of files from
the right side to their destination on the left.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
While I was attending a law course, the 'Audi alteram parten'
rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the
other party." After discussing the subject at great length,
the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man "My Wife."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

>From Lilly
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii,
where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water,
everyone
got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man.
As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that
everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40
minutes.
So did he.
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, I asked
him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.
"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly.
"I couldn't get out until you did."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
"Faux" Hamburger
Fool your finicky eaters with low-fat ground turkey. The
trick, add some browning sauce to mixture as you are
frying it. It turns the turkey browner, more like hamburger
(and doesn't change the clean taste much at all!).
By Barb
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a de-
ceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes
instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the
communal car filled up.
After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked
toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear
from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.
The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's
name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.
"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce
your husband's middle name?"

The "witness trees" of the American Civil War.

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's
complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well
founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said,
"tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls
at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best
furniture."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 24, in
1848 James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's
Mill in northern California. The discovery led to the gold rush
of '49.
1899 Humphrey O’Sullivan patented the rubber heel.
1908 In England, the first Boy Scout troop was organized by
Robert Baden-Powell.
1916 Conscription was introduced in Britain.
1922 Christian K. Nelson patented the Eskimo Pie.
1924 The Russian city of St. Petersburg was renamed Leningrad.
The name has since been changed back to St. Petersburg.
1930 Primo Carnera made his American boxing debut by knocking
out Big Boy Patterson in one minute, ten seconds of the opening
round.
1935 Krueger Brewing Company placed the first canned beer on
sale in Richmond, VA.
1942 "Abie’s Irish Rose" was first heard on NBC radio.
1943 U.S. President Roosevelt and British Prime Minister
Churchill concluded a wartime conference in Casablanca,
Morocco.
1952 Vincent Massey was the first Canadian to be appointed
governor-general of Canada.
1964 CBS-TV acquired the rights to televise the National
Football League’s 1964-1965 regular season. The move cost CBS
$14.1 million a year. The NFL stayed on CBS for 30 years.
1965 Winston Churchill died at the age of 90.
1972 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws that denied
welfare benefits to people who had resided in a state for less
than a year.
1978 A nuclear-powered Soviet satellite plunged through Earth's
atmosphere and disintegrated. The radioactive debris was
scattered over parts of Canada's Northwest Territory.
1980 The United States announced intentions to sell arms to
China.
1985 Penny Harrington became the first woman police chief of a
major city. She assumed the duties as head of the Portland,
Oregon, force of 940 officers and staff.
1986 The Voyager 2 space probe flew past Uranus. The probe came
within 50,679 miles of the seventh planet of the solar system.
1987 In Lebanon, gunmen kidnapped educators Alann Steen, Jesse
Turner, Robert Polhill and Mitheleshwar Singh. They were all
later released.
1989 Ted Bundy, the confessed serial killer, was put to death
in Florida's electric chair for the 1978 kidnap-murder of 12-
year-old Kimberly Leach.
1990 Japan launched the first probe to be sent to the Moon
since 1976. A satellite was placed in lunar orbit.
1996 Polish Premier Jozef Oleksy resigned due to allegations
that he had spied for Moscow.
2000 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld a Missouri law that limited
the contributions that individuals could donate to a candidate
during a single election.
2001 In Colorado Springs, CO, Patrick Murphy Jr. and Donald
Newbury were taken into custody after a 5-minute phone
interview was granted with a TV station. They were the
remaining fugitives of the "Texas 7."
2002 The U.S. Congress began a hearing on the collapse of Enron
Corp.
2002 John Walker Lindh appeared in court for the first time
concerning the charges that he conspired to kill Americans
abroad and aided terrorist groups. Lindh had been taken into
custody by U.S. Marines in Afghanistan.
2003 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security began operations
under Tom Ridge.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, January 23
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Serial Stowaway Slipped Past O’Hare Security,
Flew To London, got arrested there and sent back.
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 23 in
1920 The Dutch government refused the demands from the
Allies to hand over the ex-kaiser of Germany.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Never eat more than you can lift.
--- Miss Piggy
Thou shalt not weigh more than your refrigerator
--- Anatole France
We rarely think people have good sense
unless they agree with us.
--- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve.
He came back within a day and said he had found them.
Dr. Watson questioned, "How did you find them so quickly?"
Sherlock Holmes said, "Elementary, my dear Watson.
They were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons."
____________________________________________________
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist
if he can give him something for the hiccups. The
pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's
face. (Whack)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out on the sidewalk still
does. Watch out, though, she is a wrestling coach!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather
bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided
to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles
for him. He interviewed three people. The first came
in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."
"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles
for you."
"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want
t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi
-
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles
for you!"
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't
sell Bibles for me!"
The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really,
really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll
give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and
reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."
The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."
The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so,
I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"
"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot
more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and
MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and
reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles."
The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today."
The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I
so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well,
so much better than these other two bums, why don't
you tell them what your sales technique is."
Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa,
just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just
walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and
ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they
want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to
buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy
a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant
me to READ it to 'em?"
_____________________________________________________
Reported by the Bausell Sailor
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Marilyn Hartman, 66,
Grayslake,
Illinois
Serial Stowaway Slipped Past O’Hare Security,
Flew To London, got arrested there and sent back.
A 66-year-old Grayslake woman with a history of trying to sneak
onto airline flights managed to slip past security and took a
flight from O’Hare International Airport to London earlier this
week.
Chicago police say Marilyn Hartman boarded the flight Sunday
afternoon without a ticket.
Sources tell CBS 2 Hartman slipped by a distracted TSA agent in
O’Hare’s Terminal 3, somehow made it to the international
terminal and slipped past a busy gate agent to board a British
Airways flight to London.
Sources say O’Hare security video shows Hartman had been
wandering the airport for two days and no one questioned her.
Once on the London-bound plane, sources say, Hartman hid in a
bathroom and eventually walked out and found a seat. When she
couldn’t produce a passport Monday at Heathrow Airport,
officials sent her back to O’Hare, where she was taken into
custody Thursday.
Hartman was charged Friday with one misdemeanor count of
criminal trespass and one felony count of theft greater than
$500, Chicago police said in a news release. She was expected
to appear in bond court Saturday.
In a statement, the Transportation Security Administration
said: “This matter is subject to an ongoing investigation and
TSA is working closely with our law enforcement and airline
partners in that effort.
“During the initial investigation it was determined that the
passenger was screened at the security checkpoint before
boarding a flight. Upon learning of the incident TSA, and its
aviation partners took immediate action to review security
practices throughout the airport.”
Hartman has been arrested several times on trespassing charges
for trying to sneak onto planes at O’Hare and Midway, including
trying to board a plane at Midway without a ticket in July 2015
less than 24 hours after being released from jail.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Dave
Re: framedyn.dll missing
Dear Webby,
Thank you for providing such pleasure and assistance.
I use Spybot regularly. Recently, I have been getting a
warning window when I attempt to start the Program.
It reads:
SPYBOTSD.EXE UNABLE TO LOCATE COMPONENT
This application has failed to start because
framedyn.dll was not found
When you press "OK" the ap starts and runs normally.
I went to help and it suggests downloading Spybot again.
This did not remedy the situation. What am I doing wrong?
The second question regards an external hard drive back-up
of the C: drive. Should I back-up the entire C: drive
including Windows and other aps?
Thanks again
Dave
Dear Dave
framdyn.dll is a Windows component, not a Spybot component.
You can download it from Microsoft:
http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... -us;319114
You can use the Laplink PCMover to "move" or copy the entire
drive to a remote drive, and then use that drive, if the
original one fails. All programs will be automatically
installed.
The link to it is just below here.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity
and magnetism, one requirement of the course
was to read the week's experiment before coming
to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted
to see how many people had actually done so.
"What are the two types of light?" he asked. The
lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand
and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A boy and his father were at the dining room table working
on the boy's Social Studies homework. The boy turned to
his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the
U.S. government?"
Without hesitation, the father replies, "Oh, probably less than
half of them."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Bacon and Cheese Stuffed Waffles
By attosa [506 Posts, 2,683 Comments]
I got this idea for a bacon and cheese stuffed waffle after I
saw my brother use leftover Christmas ham and cheese inside of
a waffle... and it was awesome! I used a simple pancake mix and
just added water to make the batter. I used cheese that melts
nicely; smoked gruyere and mozzarella. These waffles are
fabulous on their own or with a dipping sauce of equal parts
mustard and mayonnaise. Enjoy!
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 15 minutes
Yield: 2 servings
Ingredients:
1 cup dry pancake mix
1/2 cup water
3 strips bacon
1/3 cup cheese
Steps:
Cook up the bacon until crisp. Reserve the bacon fat.
cooking bacon in pan
Brush some of the bacon fat onto the waffle maker and preheat.
greasing waffle iron
Mix the dry pancake mix with the water. Add half a tablespoon
of the reserved bacon fat and mix well.
Pour a thin layer of batter onto the hot waffle maker, then top
with a single layer of bacon pieces.
add bacon to thin layer of batter
Roughly break up the cheese and drop onto the bacon.
Cover with more pancake batter.
Press down the waffle maker lid and cook for 2 to 3 minutes, or
until brown and crispy. Cut in half and serve.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
On a warm spring day, Little Johnny was laying on a hill in
the middle of a meadow. Puffy white clouds rolled by and
he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about God. Then he
said out loud, "God? Are you really there?"
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.
"Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked,
"God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of
infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could
relate. He said, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a
minute."
Johnny said, "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to
you?"
"A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny," God said.
Johnny said, "Wow!" then he got an idea. He said, "You are
so generous, God. Can I have just one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."

The "witness trees" of the American Civil War.

Thanks to Martin for this story:
You gotta love this old guy! I was at the mall the other
day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching
a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, green,
red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every
time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your
life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 23, in
1556 An earthquake in Shanxi Province, China, was thought to
have killed about 830,000 people.
1571 The Royal Exchange in London, founded by financier Thomas
Gresham, was opened by Queen Elizabeth I.
1920 The Dutch government refused the demands from the Allies
to hand over the ex-kaiser of Germany.
1937 In Moscow, seventeen people went on trial during Josef
Stalin's "Great Purge."
1943 Duke Ellington and the band played for a black-tie crowd
at Carnegie Hall in New York City for the first time.
1943 The British captured Tripoli from the Germans.
1950 The Israeli Knesset approved a resolution proclaiming
Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.
1960 The U.S. Navy bathyscaphe Trieste descended to a record
depth of 35,820 feet (10,750 meters) in the Pacific Ocean.
1968 North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo, charging it
had intruded into the nation's territorial waters on a spying
mission. The crew was released 11 months later.
1971 In Prospect Creek Camp, AK, the lowest temperature ever
recorded in the U.S. was reported as minus 80 degrees.
1973 U.S. President Nixon announced that an accord had been
reached to end the Vietnam War.
1974 Mike Oldfield’s "Tubular Bells" opened the credits of the
movie, "The Exorcist".
1978 Sweden banned aerosol sprays because of damage to
environment. They were the first country to do so.
1983 "The A-Team" debuted on TV.
1985 O.J. Simpson became the first Heisman Trophy winner to be
elected to pro football’s Hall of Fame in Canton, OH.
1989 Surrealist artist Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84.
1997 A judge in Fairfax, VA, sentenced Mir Aimal Kasi to death
for an assault rifle attack outside the CIA headquarters in
1993 that killed two men and wounded three other people.
1997 A British woman received a record £186,000 damages for
Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI).
2001 A van used by the remaining two fugitives of the "Texas 7"
was recovered in Colorado Springs, CO. A few hours later police
surrounded a hotel where the convicts were hiding. Patrick
Murphy Jr. and Donald Newbury were taken into custody the next
morning without incident.
2002 John Walker Lindh returned to the U.S. under FBI custody.
Lindh was charged with conspiring to kill U.S. citizens,
providing support to terrorists and engaging in prohibited
transactions with the Taliban while a member of the al-Quaida
terrorist organization in Afghanistan.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, January 22
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Muslim student believing fake news and angry
with Trump tries to burn down a Catholic college
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 22 in
1666 Shah Jahan, a descendant of Genghis Khan and Timur, died
at the age of 74. He was the Mongul emperor of India that built
the Taj Mahal as a mausoleum for his wife Mumtaz-i-Mahal.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
You've achieved success in your field when you don't know
whether what you're doing is work or play.
--- Warren Beatty
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of
Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What
follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives
of Texas):
"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the
bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason,
destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from
the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that
topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous
and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation,
shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my
friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my
being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation,
the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is
consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in
their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if
you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a
little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty
morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to
magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and
heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of
which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars
each year, that provides tender care
for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our
dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest
highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in
this nation, then my friend, I am
absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on
matters of principle.
____________________________________________________
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly
to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for
this lovely pie."
"If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously,
"would you thank her for two pies?"
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Lilac Roller, national bird of Kenya AND Botswana.
It looks delicate, but actually is 14 inches tall.
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_____________________________________________________
"Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting
like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back
and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough
in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with
her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she
said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Then it dawned on them.
_____________________________________________________
Reported by the Bausell Sailor
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Tnuza Jamal Hassan, 19,
St. Paul,
Minnesota
Muslim student believing fake news and angry
with Trump tries to burn down a Catholic college
Hassan was arrested after trying to burn down St. Catherine’s
University in St. Paul. She was upset after hearing that
Trump’s push to escalate the War on Terror resulted in a school
being bombed in Iraq. There’s no actual proof that happened,
but Hassan wanted to retaliate nevertheless.
She also tried to burn down a university building housing a
daycare with over 30 children inside.
A former college student from Minneapolis has been charged with
intentionally setting four fires at St. Catherine’s University
in St. Paul to avenge Muslims killed in US bombings in the
Middle East.
A criminal complaint alleges 19-year-old Tnuza Jamal Hassan
confessed to investigators she started the fires on Wednesday
because she had been reading about the US military destroying
schools in Iraq or Afghanistan and felt she should do the same
thing. Hassan is charged with first-degree arson.
‘Hassan said this was the same thing that happened in the
“Muslim land” and nobody cares if they get hurt, so why not do
this?’ the complaint stated.
The complaint, cited by Minneapolis Star Tribune, says Hassan
told police her intent was to hurt people and to burn the
Catholic university to the ground.
The teenager was also quoted as telling police and arson
investigators: ‘You guys are lucky that I don’t know how to
build a bomb because I would have done that.’
On Friday, Hassan appeared in Ramsey County District Court and
was charged with a single count of first-degree arson, reported
Pioneer Press. She was then remanded back to the county jail.
Officials say a sprinkler system prevented a dormitory fire
from spreading to a day care center where 33 children and eight
adults were present.
The university said in a press release on Thursday that the
fires were ‘small and quickly contained, and no one was
injured. There was damage to furnishings, but no structural
damage to the attacked buildings.’
Police obtained surveillance video from the university, which
allowed them to track Hassan to Crandall Hall where she was
ultimately taken into custody in a student lounge after a room-
to-room search.
According to the college, the 19-year-old was last enrolled at
St Catherine’s in the fall of 2017.
Hassan reportedly dropped out because her family were planning
to travel to Ethiopia.
Officials said between 11.40am and 2pm, Hassan torched a chair
at St Mary’s residence hall and burned a few smaller items,
including books, toilet paper and sanitary napkins in women’s
bathrooms on campus.
Following her arrest, Hassan allegedly told police that she had
written a letter to her roommates containing ‘radical ideas
about supporting Muslims and bringing back the caliphate,’ the
complaint said.
The letter frightened the roommates, who handed it over to
campus security.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Ilah
Re: Picture compression
Dear Webby,
This question has been addressed before but I
did not have the brains to print your response and put it on
file.
IT will be filed this time. How do you compress pictures?
We have a large number of snaps of what has to be the world's
most beautiful, intelligent and entertaining kitty and we want
to send copies to friends and family.
I do not know what we would do without your Humor Letter.
It gets the day off to a great start.
Ilah
Dear Ilah
When you open a picture with a graphics program, like for
example Paint Shop Pro, you can re-size it. For example,
straight out of the camera it is 4000x3000, for email it
should be 640 x 480.
So, first you change the physical size and save kitty27.jpg as
kitty27-640.jpg. That preserves the original for your archive.
That resizing alone might be enough to allow fast sending.
You can still go a step further by compressing it.
Now, when you save kitty27-640.jpg, you can click on the
options and select the compression ratio. Compression
does not change the visible size, it just changes the color
depth, and the file size.
Usually a compression of 10 - 15% is usually OK, but over
15% pictures tend to look a bit washed out.
Keep in mind that compression is a one way street. Once
pixels have been washed out, you can not get them back
from Santa Claus and put them back in there. That is why
you keep a pure archive copy. If you got too carried away
with the compression, you can always start again from the
big original.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
From a 2006 Bonehead Award:
When moviemakers told Gallatin, Tennessee, Mayor Don Wright
they wanted to use his office to film a scene with a
superheroine, he kindly obliged.
But Wright was startled when the movie's title, "Thong Girl 3,"
and his role in its making was splashed across the front
page of Friday's editions of the Nashville Tennessean
newspaper.
"I had no idea what the movie was about," Wright said on
Friday. "They told me it was about a superhero woman and
there was no nudity or offensive stuff in it. Other than that,
I really didn't have a clue."
According to the Thong Girl Web site, heroine Lana Layonme
wears a red thong under a cape as she flies over Nashville
repelling a villain who is trying to turn country music
performers into rappers. The movie is the third in a series
released only on DVD.
"They said it was family friendly," said Wright who let the
locally-based crew use his office for two hours. "We've had
a lot of movies filmed in this area during the past few years.
In fact, I think Sally Field was in one of them. Anyhow, I
thought it was good for business."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A golfer's drive lands on an anthill. Rather than move the
ball, he decides to hit it where it lies. He gives a mighty
swing. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants explodes from
the end of his club, but the golf ball remains in the same
spot.
So he lines up and tries another shot. A cloud of dirt and
sand and ants goes flying again. The golf ball doesn't
even wiggle.
Two ants survive. One dazed ant says to the other,
"Whoa. What are we going to do?"
Says the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going
to get on the ball."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Uses for Old Magazines
Give your old magazines to hospitals, nursing homes, senior
centers, schools or clinics. Schools need magazines for
research and for children to cut pictures out of. Any where
there is a waiting room there are people hoping for
something to read. By Marianne
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone
when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly
voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a
day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter
tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat
and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had
a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just
sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On
top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to
have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all
sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax,
and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll
do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your
dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman
I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing
machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything.
In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he
ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband! ....Is this 555-1374?
"No, this is 555-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Hilarious signs

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted
to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled around, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach
you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with
his wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . . didn't pinch that
girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 22, in
1666 Shah Jahan, a descendant of Genghis Khan and Timur, died
at the age of 74. He was the Mongul emperor of India that built
the Taj Mahal as a mausoleum for his wife Mumtaz-i-Mahal.
1771 The Falkland Islands were ceded to Britain by Spain.
1824 The Asante army crushed British troops in the Gold Coast.
1874 A patent was issued to Samuel W. Francis for the spork.
1879 James Shields began a term as a U.S. Senator from
Missouri. He had previously served Illinois and Minnesota. He
was the first Senator to serve three states.
1879 British troops were massacred by the Zulus at Isandhlwana.
1889 The Columbia Phonograph Company was formed in Washington,
DC.
1895 The National Association of Manufacturers was organized in
Cincinnati, OH.
1900 Off of South Africa, the British released the German
steamer Herzog, which had been seized on January 6.
1901 Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for nearly
64 years. Edward VII, her son, succeeded her.
1903 The Hay-Herrán Treaty was signed by United States
Secretary of State John M. Hay and Colombian Chargé Dr. Tomás
Herrán. The treaty granted the United States rights to the land
proposed for the Panama Canal.
1905 Insurgent workers were fired on in St Petersburg, Russia,
resulting in "Bloody Sunday." 500 people were killed.
1917 U.S. President Wilson pleaded for an end to war in Europe,
calling for "peace without victory." The US entered the war
the
following April.
1941 Britain captured Tobruk from German forces.
1944 Allied forces began landing at Anzio, Italy, during World
War II.
1950 Alger Hiss, a former adviser to U.S. President Franklin
Roosevelt, was convicted of perjury for denying contacts with a
Soviet agent. He was sentenced to five years in prison.
1951 Fidel Castro was ejected from a Winter League baseball
game after hitting a batter. He later gave up baseball for
politics.
1957 Suspected "Mad Bomber" was arrested in Waterbury, CT.
George P. Metesky was accused of planting more than 30
explosive devices in the New York City area.
1957 The Israeli army withdrew from the Sinai. They had invaded
Egypt on October 29, 1956.
1962 Cuba's membership in the Organization of American States
(OAS) was suspended.
1964 Kenneth Kaunda was sworn in as the first Prime Minister of
Northern Rhodesia.
1970 The first regularly scheduled commercial flight of the
Boeing 747 began in New York City and ended in London about 6
1/2 hours later.
1972 The United Kingdom, the Irish Republic, and Denmark joined
the EEC.
1973 Joe Frazier lost the first fight of his professional
career to George Foreman. He had been the undefeated
heavyweight world champion since February 16, 1970 when he
knocked out Jimmy Ellis.
1973 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down state laws that had
been restricting abortions during the first six months of
pregnancy. The case (Roe vs. Wade) legalized abortion.
1984 Apple introduced the Macintosh during the third quarter of
Super Bowl XVIII.
1992 Rebel soldiers seized the national radio station in
Kinshasa, Zaire's capital, and broadcast a demand for the
government's resignation.
1995 Two Palestinian suicide bombers from the Gaza Strip
detonated powerful explosives at a military transit point in
central Israel, killing 19 Israelis.
1997 The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first
female secretary of state.
1998 Theodore Kaczynski pled guilty to federal charges for his
role as the Unabomber. He agreed to life in prison without
parole.
2000 Elian Gonzalez's grandmothers met privately with U.S.
Attorney General Janet Reno as they appealed for help in
removing the boy from his Florida relatives and reuniting him
with his father in Cuba.
2001 Former National Football League (NFL) player Rae Carruth
was sentenced to a minimum 18 years and 11 months in prison for
his role in the 1999 shooting death of his pregnant
girlfriend,
Cherica Adams. Adams died a month later from her wounds. The
baby survived and lives with the victim's mother.
2001 Acting on a tip, authorities captured four of the "Texas
7" in Woodland Park, CO, at a convenience store. A fifth
convict killed himself inside a motor home.
2002 In Calcutta, India, Heavily armed gunmen attacked the U.S.
government cultural center. Five police officers were killed
and twenty others, including one pedestrian and one private
security guard, were wounded.
2002 Lawyers suing Enron Corp. asked a court to prevent further
shredding of documents due to the pending federal
investigation.
2002 Amazon.com announced that it had posted its first net
profit in the fourth quarter (quarter ending December 31,
2001).
2002 AOL Time Warner filed suit against Microsoft in federal
court seeking damages for harm done to AOL's Netscape Internet
Browser when Microsoft began giving away its competing browser.
2002 Marc Chagall's work "Study for 'Over Vitebsk" was found at
a postal installation in Topeka, KS. The 8x10 oil painting is
valued at about $1 million. The work was stolen a year before
from the Jewish Museum in New York City.
2002 Kmart Corp. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy making it the
largest retailer in history to seek legal protection from its
creditors.
2003 In New York, the "Leonardo da Vinci, Master Draftsmen"
exhibit opened at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
2003 It was reported that scientists in China had found
fossilized remains of a dinosaur with four feathered wings.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, January 21
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Serial killer caught in Arizona
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 21 in
1865 An oil well was drilled by torpedoes for the first time.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend
to be shocked at in public.
--- Edgar Watson Howe (1853 - 1937)
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the
second half by our children.
--- Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938)
All Truth passes through Three Stages:
First, it is ridiculed...
Second, it is Violently Opposed...
Third, it is Accepted as being Self-Evident."
--- Arthur Schopenhauer
______________________________________________________
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Wendy: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!
Anni: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Wendy: What did you say?
Anni: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or I am moving out of your house!"
____________________________________________________
From Myrna
Dear Webby,
a few years ago you had that classic bricklayer's
compensation board letter. Do you still have it?
Can you print it again, please?
Thanks
Myrna
Sure, Myrna, here it is. It must be an all time favorite,
because I remember requests for it, when the Humor
Letter was still in fax format, before the Internet.
Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work, found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Saudi Arabia Sony2017 winner
_____________________________________________________

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_____________________________________________________
Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other
doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, " BS! Just wait until the autopsy,
then you'll see that I was right."
_____________________________________________________
Reported by the Bausell Sailor
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Cleophus Cooksey, 35,
Phoenix,
Arizona
Serial killer caught in Arizona
A man is under arrest in Phoenix, with authorities saying he is
responsible for killing nine people in less than a month.
The accused serial killer, Cleophus Cooksey, killed his parents
on December 17, and after police investigated, they were able
to link him to an additional seven murders in the Phoenix area.
Most of the murders were in separate incidents in a three week
span, and the victims have no apparent link. Cooksey appears
to
have engaged in a murderous crime spree with no rhyme or
reason.
Fox News reports.
An Arizona man is accused of a stunning murder spree in which
he killed nine people in three weeks — a rampage that would
make him one of the most prolific serial killers in the state’s
history.
Cleophus Cooksey Jr., 35, was arrested on Dec. 17, 2017, after
police responded to a call of shots fired in Phoenix. When
officers arrived they found Cooksey’s mother and stepfather
dead. Police said Thursday they did not link Cooksey to the
other homicides until he was in custody.
Police said investigators used shelling casings to link the
murders. Phoenix Mayor Greg Stanton said new technology allowed
officers to determine the evidence was linked to the suspect
quickly.
Cooksey’s other alleged victims include the brother of his ex-
girlfriend and various men and women of black, white and
Hispanic race and ethnicity, AZ Central reported.
The victims include:
– Two men, Andrew Remillard, 27, and Parker Smith, 21, who were
discovered dead Nov. 27.
– One man, Salim Richards, 35, found critically wounded on Dec.
2, and later died at the scene. It was not immediately clear
if
Richards knew the suspect. Police said there were signs of
robbery at the crime scene and a hangun was appeared to have
been taken.
– On Dec. 11, Jesus Bonifacio Real, 25, the brother of
Cooksey’s former girlfriend, was murdered.
– On Dec. 13, Latorrie Beckford, 29, was shot and killed.
– On Dec. 16, 2017, Kristopher Cameron, 21, was discovered shot
to death in a field. Police said Cameron appeared to have met
with the suspect for a drug interaction. On the same day, Maria
Villanueva, 43, was found dead. Villanueva was kidnapped from
her car after the suspect approached her vehicle. The two drove
off before Villanueva was found with signs of sexually assault
and murdered, police said.
– On Dec. 17, Rene Cooksey, 56, the suspect’s mother, and his
stepfather, Edward Nunn, 54, were shot and killed. Cooksey was
then arrested.
Cooksey has a long criminal history, AZ Central reported. The
suspect was convicted of manslaughter when he was 18. While in
prison, he was found guilty of assaulting prison employees,
drug possession and fighting. He was released from prison in
January 2015 and received a DUI in November of that year.
The suspect took up rapping following his prison release, going
by the name “King Playbola.” he posted videos on YouTube
showcasing his skills.
Cooksey was arrested again in May 2016 on a “technical
violation” and went back to prison. He was freed June 20, 2016,
but was arrested and booked in December due to another arrest
warrant. On July 28, 2017, Cooksey was released. Four months
later, he allegedly engaged in the murderous spree.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Dave
Re: USB drive jumpers
Dear Webby,
Congratulations and thanks for a most useful newsletter.
I recently purchased a HD enclosure kit and am having
problems making it work, Should the hard drive jumpers
be set to slave?
By the way I phoned the companies tech help line.
They weren't.
Dave
Dear Dave
Sorry that your email almost slipped by me!
Yes, the jumper on the portable USB drive needs to be set
to the "SLAVE" position. That way it will accept any
stationary C: drive as it's master, and it will act as a
secondary drive to both your desktop and laptop.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A crumbling old church building needed
remodeling, so, during his sermon, the
preacher made an impassioned appeal
looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man
stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will
contribute $1000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling
and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted,
"Pastor, I will increase my donation to
$5000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster
fell on him again, and this time he
virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will
double my last pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster
fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor,
I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him
again, Lord! Hit him again!"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

At one point during a soccer game, the coach called one of
his 7- year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand
what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or
call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship
to call your coach 'a fishbrain dumbass' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your mother."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Oatmeal Face Scrub
This is a simple and cheap face scrub that helps get rid
of blackheads. Make a paste with oatmeal and water and
apply it liberally to your face. Let the paste dry completely
and then rub it off with your fingers. As you remove the
oatmeal you will also remove any dead skin. Lastly, rinse
your face with warm water.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
>From Pat in OZ
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack
as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what
do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

Copenhagen's Urban Birdhouses.

From Catherine
You're still funny after all these years - and informative,
intelligent, just plain useful! Thank you!
Catherine
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 21, in
1789 W.H. Brown's "Power of Sympathy" was published. It was the
first American novel to be published. The novel is also known
as the "Triumph of Nature Founded in Truth".
1793 During the French Revolution, King Louis XVI was executed
on the guillotine. He had been condemned for treason.
1853 Dr. Russell L. Hawes patented the envelope folding
machine.
1865 An oil well was drilled by torpedoes for the first time.
1900 Canadian troops set sail to fight in South Africa. The
Boers had attacked Ladysmith on January 8, 1900.
1911 The first Monte Carlo car rally was held. Seven days later
it was won by Henri Rougier.
1915 The first Kiwanis club was formed in Detroit, MI.
1924 Soviet leader Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died. Joseph Stalin
began a purge of his rivals for the leadership of the Soviet
Union.
1927 The first opera broadcast over a national radio network
was presented in Chicago, IL. The opera was "Faust".
1941 The British communist newspaper, the "Daily Worker," was
banned due to wartime restrictions.
1954 The Nautilus was launched in Groton, CT. It was the first
atomic-powered submarine. U.S. First Lady Mamie Eisenhower
broke the traditional bottle of champagne across the bow.
1954 The gas turbine automobile was introduced in New York
City.
1970 The Boeing 747 made its first commercial flight from New
York to London for Pan American.
1970 ABC-TV presented "The Johnny Cash Show" in prime time.
1976 The French Concorde SST aircraft began regular commercial
service for Air France and British Airways.
1977 U.S. President Carter pardoned almost all Vietnam War
draft evaders.
1980 Gold was valued at $850 an ounce.
1994 A jury in Manassas, VA, acquitted Lorena Bobbitt by reason
of temporary insanity of maliciously wounding (severing his
penis) her husband John. She accused him of sexually assaulting
her.
1997 Newt Gingrich was fined as the U.S. House of
Representatvies voted for first time in history to discipline
its leader for ethical misconduct.
1998 A former White House intern said on tape that she had an
affair with U.S. President Clinton.
1999 The U.S. Coast Guard intercepted a ship headed for
Houston, TX, that had over 9,500 pounds of cocaine aboard. It
was one of the largest drug busts in U.S. history.
2002 In Goma, Congo, about fifty people were killed when lava
flow ignited a gas station. The people killed were trying to
steal fuel from elevated tanks. The eruption of Mount
Nyiragongo began on January 17, 2002.
2002 In London, a 17th century book by Capt. John Smith,
founder of the English settlement at Jamestown, was sold at
auction for $48,800. "The General History of Virginia, New
England and the Summer Isles" was published in 1632.
2003 It was announced by the U.S. Census Bureau that estimates
showed that the Hispanic population had passed the black
population for the first time.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, January 20
Now the Federal Government, except the Senators,
won't get paid for a while. Isn't that back-asswards?
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Suspect charged with attempted murder in
Times Square traffic stop that injured cop
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 20 in
1841 The island of Hong Kong was ceded to Great Britain. It
returned to Chinese control in July 1997.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Sure there are dishonest men in local government.
But there are dishonest men in national government too.
--- Richard M. Nixon
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
--- Socratex
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost
my temper and said some bad words to one of my
opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be
doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my
opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk
mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more
chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin'
when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be
boys."
____________________________________________________
>From Myrna
While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had
no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn.
One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer
hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the
most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who
was standing nearby.
Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Blue Dart Frog, poisonous.
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down,
and yells, "Give me a Budweiser, or . . . !"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This
happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns
into a nervous wreck.
He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand
up for himself.
"Easier said than done," the bartender thinks, but he decides
to try it anyway. The next day, he asks the barmaid to stand
in for him.
The hooligan returns, slams his fist down and yells, "Give me a
Budweiser, or . . . !"
"ORR WHAT?" she roars at him.
"A small coke, please."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Arfhy Santos, 20
William Lopez, 24,
Bronx, New York City,
New York
Suspect charged with attempted murder in
Times Square traffic stop that injured cop
Authorities believe 20-year-old Arfhy Santos was driving the
vehicle that struck the officer while fleeing the scene, and
that 24-year-old William Lopez was the passenger. Both are from
the Bronx. Santos is charged with attempted murder, assault and
reckless endangerment, while Lopez is charged with reckless
endangerment and reckless driving.
The suspects were taken into custody Wednesday, just hours
after police publicly identified them and released their
photos.
"We had over 20 tips on this in a very short time," NYPD Chief
of Detectives Robert Boyce said. "People were concerned."
Lopez is reportedly the owner of the Mercedes and has at least
three prior arrest. Santos has eight prior arrests, some of
which are sealed because he was a juvenile. They were arrested
on 144th Street between Eighth and Ninth avenues in Harlem.
Police said they were in an apartment and tried to escape out a
window.
And this isn't the first time the suspects have pulled off a
stunt like this. In 2016, police say Santos did a copycat move,
nearly hitting officers and running a dozen red lights in
Washington Heights. And just a day before the Times Square
incident, police say Lopez fled a traffic stop in the same
Mercedes, taking off on the sidewalk and nearly hitting
officers and people. Additionally, they say officer discovered
Lopez had souped up his car with a device that covered his back
license plate during a traffic stop in June.
"You hold down your brake and gas pedal and hit the gear as
hard as you can," Boyce said. "It slows your brakes and you
skid down the street. Idiots do it."
The Times Square incident, which was caught on video, happened
in the heart of the Crossroads of the World around 11:45 p.m.
Saturday.
Authorities say the officer approached a vehicle that was
driving recklessly near 234 West 42nd Street, but the driver
fled the scene after initially stopping.
The black four-door sedan fled westbound on 42nd Street,
towards Eighth Avenue, clipping the officer. He was taken to
Mount Sinai Hospital, where he was treated for minor injuries
to his legs and back.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Mark
Re: Transfer data from old to new machine
Dear Webby,
My wife will soon be taking possession of a new PC with
Windows10. Can you recommend a product or method
to transfer her files & settings from her old PC which is
running Windows8. I understand I need to manually
install the application software that she needs.
Thanks for a great e-zine - it's an awesome start to the day.
Regards
Mark
Dear Mark
You obviously don't read the ads, that I put here for your
convenience.
Since the 80s LapLink has been THE program for doing that.
Once upon a time LapLink sent a bunch of 360 KB 5 1/4" floppies
and a blue serial port cable. Later they had a yellow printer
port cable for even faster transfers. I still have those!
Nowadays it is done wirelessly or via USB cable like between
your camera and the computer.
It is still done with a program from Laplink, called PC Mover.
PC Mover even re-installs all your programs.
LapLink is the ONLY mover recommended by Microsoft and by
Intel. It even has a total back-up component.
Good Deal! Laplink has never malfunctioned for me, and I have
used it since the 80's.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged
on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and in her
piercingly loud voice said, "Mommy, if we give him the money
now, can we go?"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A man is driving home late one afternoon,
and he is driving well above the speed limit.
He notices a police car with its red lights
on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I
can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the
race is on. The cars are racing down the
highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the
guy figures "what the heck," and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and
approaches the car. He leans down and says,
"Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three
weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror,
I thought that *YOU* were the officer and that
you were trying to make her go back to me."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cream Cheese Sweetheart Cake
By katrine2706 [164 Posts, 54 Comments]
Today I decided to make one with an additional ingredient -
cream cheese. I have always loved to make cheesecake but this
one is a combination of both cheesecake and my favorite
sweetheart snack.
Ingredients:
cake
1 cup flour
1/2 cup cream cheese
1/2 cup natural brown sugar*
1 Tbsp baking powder
1/4 cup grated cheese (cheddar or another mild cheese)
1 cup milk
1/4 cup soft butter
glaze
3 Tbsp powdered sugar
3 Tbsp evaporated milk
1/2 tsp lemon extract
Cream Cheese Sweetheart Cake - Ingredients
*The sugar shown is natural granulated sugar, often called
"raw". You substitute either white or brown sugar. I use
natural sugar because it has a mild sweetness compared to
white.
Steps:
Mix flour, sugar and baking powder. Set aside.
In another bowl mix soft butter and cream cheese. Whisk until
creamy.
Gradually add in the milk. Continue stirring to properly
incorporate the milk with the creamy mixture.
Gradually pour milk mixture over dry ingredients to avoid
lumps. Mix well until well combined. Stir in some grated
cheese.
Line pan with a greased foil. This is necessary to easily pull
the cake out of the pan when it's cooked.
Pour mixture in the pan. Sprinkle with grated cheese and bake
at 180C for 40 minutes.
Take it out of the oven and chill.
Meanwhile, mix powdered sugar, evaporated milk and lemon
extract. Stir until sugar melts completely.
Get the cake and pour glaze over it. Sprinkle with the
remaining grated cheese. Chill for 30 minutes.
Cut into blocks and enjoy.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying
a child."

This week's People Are Awesome

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from
her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked
why by her former employer, she answered:
"I never forget a friend. That was for cleaning the
dishes for me all the time!"
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 20, in
1265 The first English parliament met in Westminster Hall.
1801 John Marshall was appointed chief justice of the United
States.
1839 Chile defeated a confederation of Peru and Bolivia in the
Battle of Yungay.
1841 The island of Hong Kong was ceded to Great Britain. It
returned to Chinese control in July 1997.
1885 The roller coaster was patented by L.A. Thompson.
1886 The Mersey Railway Tunnel was officially opened by the
Prince of Wales.
1887 The U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl
Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base.
1892 The first official basketball game was played by students
at the Springfield, MA, YMCA Training School.
1929 The movie "In Old Arizona" was released. The film was the
first full-length talking film to be filmed outdoors.
1942 Nazi officials held the Wannsee conference, during which
they arrived at their "final solution" that called for
exterminating Europe's Jews.
1944 The British RAF dropped 2,300 tons of bombs on Berlin.
1952 In Juarez, Mexico, Patricia McCormick debuted as the first
professional woman bullfighter from the United States.
1953 "Studio One" became the first television show to be
transmitted from the United States to Canada.
1954 The National Negro Network was formed on this date. Forty
radio stations were charter members of the network.
1972 The number of unemployed in Britain exceeded 1 million.
1981 Iran released 52 Americans that had been held hostage for
444 days. The hostages were flown to Algeria and then to a U.S.
base in Wiesbaden, West Germany. The release occurred minutes
after the U.S. presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to
Ronald Reagan.
1985 The most-watched Super Bowl game in history was seen by an
estimated 115.9 million people. The San Francisco 49ers
defeated the Miami Dolphins, 38-16. Super Bowl XIX marked the
first time that TV commercials sold for a million dollars a
minute.
1986 The U.S. observed the first federal holiday in honor of
slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr.
1986 Britain and France announced their plans to build the
Channel Tunnel.
1986 New footage of the 1931 "Frankenstein" was found. The
footage was originally deleted because it was considered to be
too shocking.
1987 Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite was kidnapped in Beirut,
Lebanon. He was there attempting to negotiate the release of
Western hostages. He was not freed until November 1991.
1994 Shannon Faulkner became the first woman to attend classes
at The Citadel in South Carolina. Faulkner joined the cadet
corps in August 1995 under court order but soon dropped out.
1996 Yasser Arafat was elected president of the Palestinian
Authority and his supporters won two thirds of the 80 seats in
the Legislative Council.
1997 Bill Clinton was inaugurated for his second term as
president of the United States.
1998 American researchers announced that they had cloned calves
that may produce medicinal milk.
1998 In Chile, a judge agreed to hear a lawsuit that accused
Chile's former dictator Augusto Pinochet with genocide.
1999 The China News Service announced that the Chinese
government was tightening restrictions on internet use. The
rules were aimed at 'Internet Bars.'
2000 Greece and Turkey signed five accords aimed to build
confidence between the two nations.
2002 Michael Jordan (Washington Wizards) played his first game
in Chicago as a visiting player. The Wizards beat the Bulls 77-
69.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, January 19
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
NY coward uses a machine gun to murder
unarmed 16 year old girl.
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 19 in
1883 Thomas Edison's first village electric lighting system
using overhead wires began operation in Roselle, NJ.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
The greatest use of life is to spend it for something
that will outlast it.
--- William James (1842 - 1910)
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent
would ever get done.
--- Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to Muir Woods
National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After
successfully negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus
driver pulled over to the side of the road. "Well, this is a
new twist," he said, surveying his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm
taking a load of petrified tourists to see a living forest!
____________________________________________________
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty
during the week, that her mother decided to give her the
worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to
the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too
harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl
she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one
of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the
picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said.
"I've already prayed for rain!"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan
tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up
a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down
towards the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you
and one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he
shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls
at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around
the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man
hobble to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they
heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for, me."
The man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth.
Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking
with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were
still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one
last one for you.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes
before the boy.
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Taariq Stephens,
New York City,
New York
NY coward uses a machine gun to murder
unarmed 16 year old girl.
A New York City teenager used her final breaths to identify the
coward, who killed her after she refused to date him, according
to police.
In May of 2016, 16-year-old Shemel Mercurius was babysitting
her 3-year-old cousin at her Brooklyn apartment. That’s when
Taariq Stephens, now 25, allegedly shot her multiple times with
a machine gun.
Surveillance video from that night shows the alleged killer in
an elevator at her apartment building and later opening fire.
Stephens has been charged with murdering Mercurius.
In court on Monday, police said that they found the victim’s
cousin crying and covered in blood.
One NYPD officer tried to help Mercurius while they waited
around 20 minutes for an ambulance to arrive. She told them
that Stephens had wanted to date her but she wasn’t interested.
She later died at a local hospital.
Stephens faces 25 years to life in prison for second-degree
murder and weapons charges.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Noella
Re: Lost files on SD card
Dear Webby,
I can't find the 2016 pictures on the SD card.
How do I get them back?
Noella
Dear Noella
Try these 6 programs SD card recovery tools
If they don't get back the files you are looking for,
then they are probably on a different SD card.
Important stuff should always be backed up to the cloud,
any web site. That way your data is safe, even if a tornado
moves your house to the next county.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Dave for this story:
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

This story is ancient and supposedly true. I originally got it
from an RCMP site in the mid 90s, when that site was still just
basic text.
An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped
to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled
motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and
the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and
snowmobile suit.
In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.
A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old
trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the
Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."
"Can't," replied the rider.
So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and
liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon
fired up.
A few days later, the local department received a thank
you note from a father, grateful for the roadside
assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Restaurant Nutrition Information
If you are watching your weight but still like to eat out,
be sure to check out the nutrition information online
before going to restaurant. All major restaurant chains
and fast food restaurant post their nutrition information
on their corporate website. Just type the name of
restaurant and "nutrition information" into your favorite
search engine and you should find the page you are
looking for.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology
course. The first day, the professor commented on each
student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was
working - some students were becoming defensive. When it
was my turn, I told him I was a music major.
"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of
you wasting your education to study music."
"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into
psychology."

Impossibly small origami.

Hi Webby
Just to let you know how much I enjoy receiving your E mails
here in Bristol England
Keep up the good work
Zan
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 19, in
1419 Rouen surrendered to Henry V, completing his conquest of
Normandy.
1793 King Louis XVI was tried by the French Convention, found
guilty of treason and sentenced to the guillotine.
1825 Ezra Daggett and Thomas Kensett of New York City patented
a canning process to preserve salmon, oysters and lobsters.
1883 Thomas Edison's first village electric lighting system
using overhead wires began operation in Roselle, NJ.
1915 George Claude, of Paris, France, patented the neon
discharge tube for use in advertising signs.
1915 More than 20 people were killed when German zeppelins
bombed England for the first time. The bombs were dropped on
Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn.
1937 Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record. He flew
from Los Angeles to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25
seconds.
1942 The Japanese invaded Burma (later Myanmar).
1944 The U.S. federal government relinquished control of the
nation's railroads after the settlement of a wage dispute.
1949 The salary of the President of the United States was
increased from $75,000 to $100,000 with an additional $50,000
expense allowance for each year in office.
1953 Sixty-eight percent of all TV sets in the U.S. were tuned
to CBS-TV, as Lucy Ricardo, of "I Love Lucy," gave birth to a
baby boy.
1955 U.S. President Eisenhower allowed a filmed news conference
to be used on television (and in movie newsreels) for the first
time.
1957 Philadelphia comedian, Ernie Kovacs, did a half-hour TV
show without saying a single word of dialogue.
1966 Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India.
1969 In protest against the Russian invasion of 1968, Czech
student Jan Palach set himself on fire in Prague's Wenceslas
Square.
1971 At the Charles Manson murder trial, the Beatles' "Helter
Skelter" was played. At the scene of one of his gruesome
murders, the words "helter skelter" were written on a mirror.
1977 U.S. President Ford pardoned Iva Toguri D'Aquino (the
"Tokyo Rose").
1981 The U.S. and Iran signed an agreement paving the way for
the release of 52 Americans held hostage for more than 14
months and for arrangements to unfreeze Iranian assets and to
resolve all claims against Iran.
1983 China announced that it was bannning 1983 purchases of
cotton, soybeans and chemical fibers from the United States.
1993 IBM announced a loss of $4.97 billion for 1992. It was the
largest single-year loss in U.S. corporate history.
1995 Russian forces overwhelmed the resistance forces in
Chechnya.
1996 U.S. first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was subpoenaed to
appear before a federal grand jury. The investigation was
concerning the discovery of billing records related to the
Whitewater real estate investment venture.
1997 Yasser Arafat returned to Hebron for the first time in
more than 30 years. He joined 60,000 Palestinians in
celebration over the handover of the last West Bank city in
Israeli control.
2001 Texas officials demoted a warden and suspended three other
prison workers in the wake of the escape of the "Texas 7."
2006 NASA's New Horizons spacecraft was launched. The mission
was the first to investigate Pluto.
2013 In Scottsdale, AZ, the original Batmobile for the TV
series "Batman" sold at auction for $4.6 million. It was the
first of six Batmobiles produced for the show.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, January 18
Did I scare you with my picture?
Telus, my ISP had some problems today.
The biggest, of course, was that the Taliban paid to do tech
support from Pakistan or thereabouts, have no clucking fue,
and have no real Internet access. They just sit in some
laundromat and mumble and try to make clients believe, the
problem is on the client's side. The Taliban don't even know
what a trace route is!
In case you don't either, even if you are not a Taliban,
Click on START
type cmd and hit ENTER
You get the scary black DOS screen.
Type
tracert webby.com
and hit ENTER
(instead of webby.com you can type the name of your ISP, or
google.com)
After a second your computer will start doing a trace.
It will list all the sub stations and internet jumps between
you and your target.
If you see *, that means a pothole on the route.
Three stars means a sub station is in major trouble.
If the trace works fine for a few jumps, then goes to stars,
the problem is far away from you.
Sometimes, though rarely, hitting the reset button on your
modem will cause it to switch to a different DNS (Internet road
map) and will then get through if you try the tracert again.
Tracert is nothing new. No change with it since 1992.
However, I have yet to meet a Taliban who understands that if
your trace route goes 6 jump lines towards your destination,
then craps out, the problem is NOT in your computer.
They just don't get it. Must be something religious.
Well, eventually, resetting my modem the trird time, I finally
got through to the net again.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Iowa Man wearing GPS tracker on ankle arrested
for gas station robbery
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 18 in
1896 The x-ray machine was exhibited for the first time.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross
that bridge when he comes to it.'
--- Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
An office reports that they have an answering machine that
instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell
any difficult words.
Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend
messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her
name and address and then confidently offer,
"My difficult word is reconciliation.
R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."
____________________________________________________
After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home
with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated
Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard.
She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Thanks to Fran for this story:
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband
was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said
sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same hand-
some young man I married."
"Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look
pretty good too!"
_____________________________________________________
Reported by the Bausell Sailor:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Seith William Keith, 30,
Davenport,
Iowa
Man wearing GPS tracker on ankle arrested
for gas station robbery
A Davenport parolee was arrested Tuesday afternoon in
connection with an armed robbery at a Mount Joy gas station
Monday.
Seith William Keith, 30, last known address in the 400 block of
West 4th Street, was booked into the Scott County Jail at 4:05
p.m. on charges of first-degree robbery, a Class B punishable
by up to 25 years in prison, and assault while displaying a
dangerous weapon, an aggravated misdemeanor.
He also is charged with two counts of failure to register as a
sex offender-second or subsequent offense, a Class D felony
punishable by up to five years in prison.
He is expected to make an initial appearance on the charges
Wednesday morning.
According to arrest affidavits released Tuesday night by the
Scott County Sheriff’s Office:
At 8:50 p.m. Monday, Keith walked into the Mt. Joy Amoco BP,
displayed a knife and assaulted the clerk by pushing, hitting
and cutting her arm. The injury to the clerk’s arm required
stitches.
He then tried to open the register but was unable to and fled
the store. Surveillance video showed Keith’s face, which was
positively identified by law enforcement.
He is on parole and has a GPS ankle device that placed him at
the gas station during the robbery.
Keith was arrested at 1:34 p.m. during a traffic stop at East
Locust and Iowa streets in Davenport.
He admitted to law enforcement that he went to the store,
displayed the knife and pushed the clerk to the ground and
scuffled with her.
Keith also admitted that he intended to take money and that he
fled in the same vehicle he was arrested in.
An officer who checked with Keith’s parole officer reported
that he had been terminated from his job in September and did
not report that information within five business days, which he
is required to do under the Iowa Sex Offender Registry.
Keith admitted that he had not worked at his former workplace
for a few months, but said he reported the information.
He has prior convictions for registry violations in 2008, 2010,
and 2012, according to the affidavits.
In January 2013, he was sentenced to up to 10 years in prison
on two counts of delivery of a controlled substance and a
concurrent sentence of up to five years in prison on a third-
degree burglary charge.
The sentences were ordered to run concurrent to a sentence of
up to five years in prison imposed in October 2012 after a
judge ruled that he violated his probation for a sex offender
registry violation charge, court records show.
He was released from prison in April, according to Iowa
Department of Corrections online records. His parole is slated
to be discharged in December, according to the IDOC website.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Allen
Re: Precise picture positioning in WORD
Dear Webby,
How can I position a picture with word at the precise place
where I want it, intead of where WORD wants to put it?
Thanks
Allen
Dear Allen
That's a secret, as far as Microsoft is concerned,but it
can be done quite easily.
Click on the picture to make it active.
Then click on the little doggie icon for Text Wrap.
Select TIGHT.
The picture will probably scoot off to somewhere else,
where it is not suppoded to be, often on the next page.
Click on it a couple of times and then you can drag it to
where it belongs. It will probably change it's width and
hight in the process, but now you can squish it to the
exact size you want, andyou can even rotate it.
The TIGHT text wrap setting will make the text flow around
it and match the contours.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A patient was waiting nervously in the
examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?"
asked the important doctor.
"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of stupid and useless advice did
Cohen give you?"
"He told me to go and see you."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her
breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said
something had to be done about this or they would
have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her
to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts
and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat
any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour
they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to
talk properly for a while. She agreed
to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit
and said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will
not hath a thermon tewday
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit
Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any
questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them.
Doctors are usually in a hurry, so don't let them rush you
and make sure all your questions are answered before
he/she rushes off to the next customer.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
The pastor of a church was taking his first trip away on a
Sunday, and he asked another pastor to come in and preach the
service for him.
The substitute pastor agreed to come. He was quite young, just
outof seminary, and this was his first time preaching.
When he got up to speak on Sunday, he tried to explain to the
congregation why he'd come, and give them some comfort about
it. He pointed up to the stained glass windows to illustrate
this. "You see where there's a missing pane, and there's a
piece of cardboard over it? That's sort of what I'm doing. I'm
just filling in the space until your pastor returns."
He went on about this a little bit, then went into his sermon.
The young substitute pastor gave a wonderful, inspired talk
that Sunday.
After the service, a lovely old woman came up to him, took his
hand, and said, "Pastor, don't you ever let anyone say that
you're like that piece of cardboard. Believe me, you are the
real pane!"

I wouldn't mind flying if I could fly in this plane!

"Information? I need the number of the
Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as
in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 18, in
1778 English navigator Captain James Cook discovered the
Hawaiian Islands, which he called the "Sandwich Islands."
1788 The first English settlers arrived in Australia's Botany
Bay to establish a penal colony. The group moved north eight
days later and settled at Port Jackson.
1871 Wilhelm, King of Prussia from 1861, was proclaimed the
first German Emperor.
1886 The Hockey Association was formed in England. This date is
the birthday of modern field hockey.
1896 The x-ray machine was exhibited for the first time.
1911 For the first time an aircraft landed on a ship. Pilot
Eugene B. Ely flew onto the deck of the USS Pennsylvania in San
Francisco harbor.
1919 The World War I Peace Congress opened in Versailles,
France.
1939 Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded "Jeepers
Creepers."
1943 During World War II, the Soviets announced that they had
broken the Nazi siege of Leningrad, which had began in
September of 1941.
1943 U.S. commercial bakers stopped selling sliced bread. Only
whole loaves were sold during the ban until the end of World
War II.
1957 The first, non-stop, around-the-world, jet flight came to
an end at Riverside, CA. The plane was refueled in mid-flight
by huge aerial tankers.
1958 Willie O'Ree made his NHL debut with the Boston Bruins. He
was the first black player to enter the league.
1964 The plans for the original World Trade Center in New York
were unveiled to the public.
1967 Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler,"
was convicted in Cambridge, MA, of armed robbery, assault and
sex offenses. He was sentenced to life in prison. Desalvo was
killed in 1973 by a fellow inmate.
1972 Former Rhodesian prime minister Garfield Todd and his
daughter were placed under house arrest for campaigning against
Rhodesian independence.
1978 The European Court of Human Rights cleared the British
government of torture but found it guilty of inhuman and
degrading treatment of prisoners in Northern Ireland.
1990 A jury in Los Angeles, CA, acquitted former preschool
operators Raymond Buckey and his mother, Peggy McMartin Buckey,
of 52 child molestation charges.
1990 In an FBI sting, Washington, DC, Mayor Marion Barry was
arrested for drug possession. He was later convicted of a
misdemeanor.
1991 Eastern Airlines shut down after 62 years in business due
to financial problems.
1993 The Martin Luther King Jr. holiday was observed in all 50
U.S. states for the first time.
1995 The "yahoo.com" domain was created.
1995 A network of caves was discovered near the town of Vallon-
Pont-d'Arc in southern France. The caves contained paintings
and engravings that were 17,000 to 20,000 years old.
1997 Hutu militiamen killed three Spanish aid workers and three
soldiers and seriously wounded an American in a night attack in
NW Rwanda.
2000 The Chinese web services company Baidu, Inc. was
incorporated in Beijing.
2002 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced the
approval of a saliva-based ovulation test.
2012 Wikipedia began a 24-hour "blackout" in protest against
proposed anti-piracy legislation (S. 968 and H.R. 3261) known
as the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA) in the Senate
and the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) in the House. Many
websites, including Reddit, Google, Facebook, Amazon and
others, contended would make it challenging if not impossible
for them to operate.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, January 17
No Gullible Warming here.
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Teenager locked in Audi and raped by man
offering a lift home ‘for her safety’
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 17 in
1893 The Kingdom of Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown when a
group of lawyers and businessmen and sugar planters forced
Queen Liliuokalani to abdicate.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better
with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same
thing about drugs.'
--- Roy Blount Jr.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves,
and good fortune to others.
--- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914)
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
--- Socratex
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
Bob had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it
was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came
time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise,
"Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"
"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey
explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."
____________________________________________________
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was
speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble
controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the
congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually
not such a big goob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked,
"That's okay. We like big boobs."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Ubud, Bali
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on
strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the
Doctors' demands are, as soon as they can get a pharmacist
over there to read the picket signs."
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Andrew Green,
44,
Atherton,
England
Teenager locked in Audi and raped by man
offering a lift home ‘for her safety’
A man has been jailed after he offered a teenager a lift home
‘for her safety’ then raped her. The 18-year-old was waiting
for a cab when Andrew Green pulled up in his white car. She
mistook this for her taxi so got in.
However, when she realised Green, 44, wasn’t a private hire
driver, he locked the doors preventing her from getting out.
She said she wanted to get out of the car but he told her he
wanted to give her a lift home because his daughter was the
same age and he hoped someone would help her if she was on her
own.
She offered him £10 to get away from the situation, but he then
turned aggressive. Police said he then raped her ‘knowing she
had nowhere to run and nowhere to hide’.
Det Con Claire Hughes, of GMP’s Leigh CID, added: ‘It’s
absolutely sickening that he tried to portray himself as a Good
Samaritan when his only intentions were rape.’ Green, from
Atherton, has was sentenced to six years and nine months in
jail at Bolton Crown Court on Monday after earlier pleading
guilty to rape.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Karen
Re: Power Converters
Dear Webby,
What kind of power converters do I need for my laptop,
camera and travel printer for traveling to Europe?
Karen
Dear Karen
Most likely all you need is a light weight power bar like
you use for very low power appliances like Christmas lights.
Cut off the plug. When you get there,
buy a cheap cord plug at any supermarket or electrical
store, and put it at the cut end of your power cord.
Almost all laptop and camera chargers are labeled
100V - 240V. They don't care. All you need to adapt is
the plug at the end of your extension cord so that
it fits into the quaint sockets, that they have over there.
Most European countries use the same voltage, but
differently shaped outlets, and some countries have
more than one style. If you travel around much, you
will soon accumulate a nice collection of plugs.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly
asking for a high salary."
Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't
know what you're doing!"

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Fruity Valentine Gelatin
By joanWZ [118 Posts, 41 Comments]
It's a fruity dessert for Valentine's Day! Not just for
boyfriends and girlfriends but because I am a mom, for the
whole family. I especially made this recipe for my two kids.
Prep Time: 3 mins.
Cook Time: 5 mins.
Total Time: 10 mins.
Ingredients:
3 cups water
1 sachet gelatin
1 cup white sugar
2 slices papaya, cut into small slices (or any fruit you want)
2 Tbsp sprinkles
Steps:
In a pan on low heat, add water and sachet of gelatin.
adding gelatin packet
Stir for 2 minutes on low heat.
After 2 minutes add the sugar.
Then, prepare the mold for the gelatin, and place the cut
papaya fruit.
After 5 minutes of stirring pour mixture through a strainer
into the mold. This will eliminate lumps in the gelatin.
Put it in the refrigerator for 30 minutes.
Remove from mold. Decorate with sprinkles, chocolate chips,
honey or anything you like. It is now ready to serve!
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.comMake sure you use KNOX Gelatin for this
recipe, NOT Jello, which is mostly sugar and 1/4 of the gelatin
of a sachet of KNOX.
If you use Jello, don't add sugar, and stir on low heat 5
minutes instead of 2.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
____________________________________________________
Our Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying
at the firing range. We had been issued our last rounds of
ammo and were firing at the silhouettes, when a great gust
of wind ripped the targets from their frames, and they
fluttered away.
Firing stopped as we looked to the range officials.
"Keep shooting, Boys," a voice yelled.
"We've got 'em on the run now."

How about spending the night in an ice hotel modeled on A Game Of Thrones in Finland.

Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this classic:
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 17, in
1377 The Papal See was transferred from Avignon in France back
to Rome.
1562 French Protestants were recognized under the Edict of St.
Germain.
1773 Captain Cook's Resolution became the first ship to cross
the Antarctic Circle.
1852 The independence of the Transvaal Boers was recognized by
Britain.
1871 Andrew S. Hallidie received a patent for a cable car
system.
1882 Thomas Edison's exhibit opened the Crystal Palace
Exhibition in London.
1893 The Kingdom of Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown when a
group of lawyers and businessmen and sugar planters forced
Queen Liliuokalani to abdicate.
1900 The U.S. took Wake Island where there was an important
cable link between Hawaii and Manila.
1900 Yaqui Indians in Texas proclaimed their independence from
Mexico.
1900 Mormon Brigham Roberts was denied a seat in the U.S. House
of Representatives for his practicing of polygamy.
1905 Punchboards were patented by a manufacturing firm in
Chicago, IL.
1912 English explorer Robert Falcon Scott reached the South
Pole. Norwegian Roald Amundsen had beaten him there by one
month. Scott and his party died during the return trip.
1913 All partner interests in 36 Golden Rule Stores were
consolidated and incorporated in Utah into one company. The new
corporation was the J.C. Penney Company.
1928 The fully automatic film-developing machine was patented
by A.M. Josepho.
1934 Ferdinand Porsche submitted a design for a people's car, a
"Volkswagen," to the new German Reich government.
1945 Soviet and Polish forces liberated Warsaw during World War
II.
1945 Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary
while in Soviet custody. Wallenberg was credited with saving
tens of thousands of Jews.
1959 Senegal and the French Sudan joined to form the Federal
State of Mali.
1961 In his farewell address, U.S. President Eisenhower warned
against the rise of "the military-industrial complex."
1966 A B-52 carrying four H-bombs collided with a refuelling
tanker. The bombs were released and eight crewmembers were
killed.
1977 Double murderer Gary Gilmore became the first to be
executed in the U.S. in a decade. The firing squad took place
at Utah State Prison.
1991 Coalition airstrikes began against Iraq after negotiations
failed to get Iraq to retreat from the country of Kuwait.
1992 An IRA bomb, placed next to a remote country road in
County Tyrone, Northern Ireland, killed seven building workers
and injured seven others.
1994 The Northridge earthquake rocked Los Angeles, CA,
registering a 6.7 on the Richter Scale. At least 61 people were
killed and about $20 billion in damage was caused.
1995 More than 6,000 people were killed when an earthquake with
a magnitude of 7.2 devastated the city of Kobe, Japan.
1997 A court in Ireland granted the first divorce in the Roman
Catholic country's history.
1997 Israel gave over 80% of Hebron to Palestinian rule, but
held the remainder where several hundred Jewish settlers lived
among 20,000 Palestinians.
1998 U.S. President Clinton gave his deposition in the Paula
Jones sexual harassment lawsuit against him. He was the first
U.S. President to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil
lawsuit.
2000 British pharmaceutical companies Glaxo Wellcome PLC and
SmithKline Beecham PLC agreed to a merger that created the
world's largest drugmaker.
2001 Congo's President Laurent Kabila was shot and killed
during a coup attempt. Congolese officials temporarily placed
Kabila's son in charge of the government.
2001 The director of Palestinian TV, Hisham Miki, was killed at
a restaurant when three masked gunmen walked up to his table
and shot him more than 10 times.
2002 It was announced that Microsoft had signed a joint venture
agreement to produce software with two partners in China. The
two partners were Beijin Centergate Technologies (Holding) Co.
and the Stone Group.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, January 16
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Killer arrested after he murdereed tow truck
driver repossessing vehicle.
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 16 in
1572 The Duke of Norfolk was tried for treason for complicity
in the Ridolfi plot to restore Catholicism in England. He was
executed on June 2.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be
an apostrophe with fur.
--- Doug Larson
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
--- H. G. Wells (1866 - 1946)
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
--- Marshall McLuhan
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
when you looked at it in the right way,
did not become still more complicated.
--- Poul Anderson
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask
a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave
him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a
child."
"Sorry!" responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."
____________________________________________________
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for the little blue pill. The pharmacist asked
"How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each
one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get
you through intimacy.
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't
even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to
stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
'Stift Rein IX' in Eisbach, Styria, Austria
No light reading in those days!
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:
* The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.
* People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.
* The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
* Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
* A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-
wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of."
* The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
* In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.
* Baptism is referred to as "branding".
* There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
tank.
* Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
* High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.
* People think "rapture" is what you get when you slip
while lifting a beer keg.
* The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
* The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Towing and Junkyard.
* The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
* Instead of a bell, you are called to service by an Ah-Oogha
horn.
* The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
* The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink", in
Styrofoam cups.
" Thou shalt not covet" applies only to hunting dogs.
* The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back
now!! Ya Hear"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Anton Robinson, 20,
Petersburg,
Virginia
Killer arrested after he murdereed tow truck
driver repossessing vehicle.
According WTVR, Cindy and Jimmy Lee, owners of River City
Recovery, are mourning the sudden and senseless death of their
beloved employee, Allan Humphries. The 42-year-old man was
murdered Thursday morning, shot in the back of the head while
trying to repossess a car, according to Petersburg Police.
The police officer had answered Allan`s phone, said Cindy.
His best friend had called him to check on him and he hadn't
answered the phone.
Twenty-year-old Anton Robinson has been charged with first-
degree murder in connection to the shooting. The Lees said
Humphries never saw it coming.
It wasn`t an altercation, because if there was an altercation,
he would have left, said Jimmy. We`re all trained the same
way. No vehicle is worth your life."
The couple said that Humphries leaves behind a mother, brother,
son, and young granddaughter.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Marcy
Re: Deleting individual cookies
Good morning Webby
I really like the picture of the 2 kids and the bird and would
like to use it as a screen saver but I'm not sure how to do it.
Could you tell me how to do it?
I read your news letter the first thing every morning.
peddlerfrank
Dear Frank
Make a new, easy to find, folder, name it Keepers
Save the big version of the pictue to that folder.
You can save all kinds of "keepers" to that folder.
Open the Control Panel.
Double-click on the display icon.
Click the screen saver tab.
Select Slideshow
In there you can select the location of the files you want,
your Keepers folder,
and the delay and the duration of each picture.
It is a good idea to make a subdirectory or two inside that
Keepers directory.
Make one for "Staging" (getting ready for Fathers Day) and one
for "Bored", where you park the Christmas pictures, that you
are bored with for now.
Next December you can drag them upstairs to the Keepers
directory, that the slide show looks for, and drag the
Halloween pictures down to "Bored".
You can have one or thousands of files in the Keepers folder.
Set the delay to at least 30 seconds, so that the screen saver
does not come on every time you stop to sneeze.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there
was a fight going on in the apartment right over him. So
when the policeman arrived at the upstairs apartment, he
heard furniture being thrown around and signs of a good
old family brawl.
He rapped on the door with his night stick and the door was
opened by a very determined and disheveled woman.
"Who's head of the family here?"
"You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're
trying to settle inside.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Our parish priest was making his visits to several homes
in the neighborhood. He knocked on one door, and a little
4-year-old boy opened it. When he saw the priest, he
called to his dad,
"Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Put a Pan Under Sink When Making Repairs
If you change the faucet or drain in your kitchen or
bathroom sink, put a shallow pan under the sink to catch
any drips. Keep the pan there for 4 weeks to make sure
water isn't accumulating. Check it periodically and tighten
fixtures if necessary.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
A college professor asked his class a question. "If
Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago
is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is
2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand
and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but
tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother;
he's 22, and he's half nuts."

The Worldâ s Steepest Cliff Railway Just Opened in the Swiss Alps

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members
were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep
in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and
can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a
story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three
days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so
tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid
my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened
by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd
ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just messed my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back
then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 16, in
1547 Ivan the Terrible was crowned Czar of Russia.
1572 The Duke of Norfolk was tried for treason for complicity
in the Ridolfi plot to restore Catholicism in England. He was
executed on June 2.
1759 The British Museum opened.
1809 The British defeated the French at the Battle of Corunna,
in the Peninsular War.
1866 Everett Barney patented the metal screw, clamp skate.
1883 The United States Civil Service Commission was established
as the Pendleton Act went into effect.
1900 The U.S. Senate consented to the Anglo-German treaty of
1899, by which the U.K. renounced rights to the Samoan islands.
1919 The 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which
prohibited the sale or transportation of alcoholic beverages,
was ratified. It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.
1920 Prohibition went into effect in the U.S.
1920 The motion picture "The Kid" opened.
1925 Leon Trotsky was dismissed as Chairman of the
Revolutionary Council of the USSR.
1939 The "I Love a Mystery" debuted on NBC’s West-Coast
outlets.
1944 General Dwight D. Eisenhower took command of the Allied
invasion force in London.
1961 Mickey Mantle signed a contract that made him the highest
paid baseball player in the American League at $75,000 for the
1961 season.
1964 "Hello Dolly!" opened at the St. James Theatre in New York
City.
1970 Colonel Muammar el-Quaddafi became virtual president of
Libya.
1970 Buckminster Fuller, the designer of the geodesic dome, was
awarded the Gold Medal of the American Institute of Architects.
1979 The Shah of Iran and his family fled Iran for Egypt.
1982 Britain and the Vatican resumed full diplomatic relations
after a break of over 400 years.
1985 "Playboy" magazine announced its 30-year tradition of
stapling centerfold models in the bellybutton and elsewhere
would come to an immediate end.
1988 Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder was fired as a CBS sports
commentator one day after telling a TV station in Washington,
DC, that, during the era of slavery, blacks had been bred to
produce stronger offspring.
1998 Researchers announce that an altered gene helped to defend
against HIV.
1991 The White House announced the start of Operation Desert
Storm. The operation was designed to drive Iraqi forces out of
Kuwait.
1992 Officials of the government of El Salvador and rebel
leaders signed a pact in Mexico City ending 12 years of civil
war. At least 75,000 people were killed during the fighting.
1998 The first woman to enroll at Virginia Military Institute
withdrew from the school.
1998 NASA officially announced that John Glenn would fly aboard
the space shuttle Discovery in October.
1998 It was announced that Texas would receive $15.3 billion in
a tobacco industry settlement. The payouts were planned to take
place over 25 years.
1998 Three federal judges secretly granted Kenneth Starr
authority to probe whether U.S. President Clinton or Vernon
Jordan urged Monica Lewinsky to lie about her relationship with
Clinton.
2000 Ricardo Lagos was elected Chile's first socialist
president since Salvador Allende.
2002 U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that John
Walker Lindh would be brought to the United States to face
trial. He was charged in U.S. District Court in Alexandria, VA,
with conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens, providing support to
terrorist organizations, and engaging in prohibited
transactions with the Taliban of Afghanistan.
2002 The U.N. Security Council unanimously adopted sanctions
against Osama bin Laden, his terror network and the remnants of
the Taliban. The sanctions required that all nations impose
arms embargoes and freeze their finances.
2018 smiled.

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, January 15
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Man pulled over took 30 seconds to wake up
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, January 15 in
2001 Wikipedia was launched.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________

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please donate what you can!

______________________________________________________
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from
happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
--- Socratex
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
--- Aldous Huxley
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern
Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles
inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a cell phone or CB
radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get
help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters
and asked for assistance.
A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked,
"How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
____________________________________________________
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to
shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you,
that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't
use that kind of language in the Lord's House.
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!

_____________________________________________________
Judi was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained
to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests,
they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from
yourself," her friend said.
So Judi bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend
called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Judi said. "I get in that
pen with my laptop and a thermos of coffee, and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
_____________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Moonhoon Choi, 36,
Jacksonville,
Florida
Man pulled over took 30 seconds to wake up
St. Johns County officials arrested Moonhoon Choi, 36, of
Wisconsin, on Jan. 8 for drunk driving on U.S. 1 just South off
Race Track Rd. with a breath alcohol test of 0.198.
Responding to numerous complaints, officials found Choi asleep
in the driver's seat of his car, parked in the right lane of
U.S. 1 while traffic was free-flowing.
After about 30 seconds of banging on the window to wake him up,
Choi tried to drive forward, nearly hitting a PSA vehicle.
Officers managed to stop the car, and Choi stepped out of the
vehicle.
An officer asked Choi where he was coming from, and Choi
responded "Jacksonville." He then asked where he was headed and
Choi responded "Jacksonville".
Choi reportedly had the odor of alcohol emanating from his
person, and claimed he "had a couple of beers" and that he and
his friend were coming from the "brewery".
Officers then asked Choi to do a few Field Sobriety tests,
which he agreed to, and was unable to properly follow
instructions.
On at least three separate attempts he moved his head left and
right instead of his eyes, he was unable to stay heel-to-toe on
the line during the walk and turn test, and he was unable to do
a one-leg stand without bending his knee or stepping down.
Choi was arrested for operating a motor vehicle under the
influence of alcohol.
Choi's passenger, Changhyun Ahn, was also under the influence
and, due to his inebriation, was unable to be left on the
roadside without risking injury to himself or others.
Unable to contact anyone they knew, police took Ahn to the
county jail and placed him into protective custody.
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Marcy
Re: Deleting individual cookies
Dear Webby,
Thank you for the information. Now for the stupid question
~How do I clear just that cookie? I have used a computer
for about 7 years, but I really don't have much knowledge
of how to do things unless someone tells me. I If you have
the time, could you please tell me how to remove just one
or two cookies? Thank you~
Marcy
Dear Marcy
The easiest way to sort out and clean your cookies is with
CrapCleaner.
In case you are one of the very few subscribers who have
not gotten CrapCleaner yet, go to my toolbox at
http://webby.com/tools
and grab it. It's free!
In CrapCleaner go to OPTIONS, COOKIES
and drag the keepers (bank, Amazon, Barns&Noble, etc)
to the right, and the ones you don't need to the left.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her
co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great
one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred
dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for
each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to
save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined
her, squeezed a bit here and there, and said, "Very good, just
continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.
My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month
old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Melanie's Greatest Ever Granola
Mix: 1 cup of whole wheat flour,
4 cups of quick oatmeal,
1 cup of slivered almonds,
1 cup of coconut and
1/2 cup of brown sugar.
Stir well, then add:
1/2 cup oil and
1/2 cup of honey.
Directions: Combine it all well breaking up clumps then
place on large cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees F
till golden brown. Use a spatula a few times and stir it
around now and then. Can add raisins or dried fruit when
done. Store in air tight container when cool. Great for
breakfast with milk as a cereal or you can use in a granola
bar recipe.
By Melanie
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My
neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up.
What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," Morris replied.
"Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the
$1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum.
"But it's only $500," Morris insisted.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will
then have the proof we need to nail him."

The Worldâ€™s Steepest Cliff Railway Just Opened in the Swiss Alps

I look forward to the "Dear Webby's Humor Letter" every day.
I enjoy the clean jokes, great tips, good thoughts/sayings,
lots of valuable information. Plus, I don't have to worry
about the grandchildren reading this e-mail. Keep up the good
work
Nellie
___________________________________________________

Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

Today, January 15, in
1559 England's Queen Elizabeth I (Elizabeth Tudor) was crowned
in Westminster Abbey.
1624 Many riots occurred in Mexico when it was announced that
all churches were to be closed.
1863 "The Boston Morning Journal" became the first paper in the
U.S. to be published on wood pulp paper.
1870 A cartoon by Thomas Nast titled "A Live Jackass Kicking a
Dead Lion" appeared in "Harper's Weekly." The cartoon used the
donkey to symbolize the Democratic Party for the first time.
1892 "Triangle" magazine in Springfield, MA, published the
rules for a brand new game. The original rules involved
attaching a peach baskets to a suspended board. It is now known
as basketball.
1899 Edwin Markham's poem, "The Man With a Hoe," was published
for the first time.
1913 The first telephone line between Berlin and New York was
inaugurated.
1936 The first, all glass, windowless building was completed in
Toledo, OH. The building was the new home of the Owens-Illinois
Glass Company Laboratory.
1943 The Pentagon was dedicated as the world's largest office
building just outside Washington, DC, in Arlington, VA. The
structure covers 34 acres of land and has 17 miles of
corridors.
1945 CBS Radio debuted "House Party". The show was on the air
for 22 years.
1953 Harry S Truman became the first U.S. President to use
radio and television to give his farewell as he left office.
1955 The first solar-heated, radiation-cooled house was built
by Raymond Bliss in Tucson, AZ.
1967 The first National Football League Super Bowl was played.
The Green Bay Packers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs of the
American Football League. The final score was 35-10.
1973 U.S. President Nixon announced the suspension of all U.S.
offensive action in North Vietnam.
1974 "Happy Days" premiered on ABC-TV.
1987 Paramount Home Video reported that it would place a
commercial at the front of one of its video releases for the
first time. It was a 30-second Diet Pepsi ad at the beginning
of "Top Gun."
2001 Wikipedia was launched.
2003 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the U.S. Congress had
permission to repeatedly extend copyright protection.
2006 NASA's Stardust space probe mission was completed when
it's sample return capsule returned to Earth with comet dust
from comet Wild 2.
2018 smiled.

The number of mammograms donated thanks to clicks has dropped quite noticeably
when these two ladies went away. So here they are back, working hard to get
you to click. Donate by clicking!BreastCancer
SiteA free click helps to donate mammograms to women who
can not afford one.

Tech Support Pits: Re: Not getting a subscription
... not getting my subscription newsletters, not just the Humor Letter, but
others too. I can't re-sub- scribe because I am still on the list....

Dear Friends, If you are on the list, then the subscriptions are sent out
TOWARDS you. If you don't see them, then either you or your ISP are blocking
them.

Complaining to me won't fix your or your ISP's spam block. Check your spam
control program and, if necessary, white-list the missing subscription or
declare it as friendly. If your spam control program is OK, contact your
ISP.

If you are using one of those address collectors that pretend to be email
verification programs, but ask for people to fill out all kinds of information,
forget it!
NO newsletter send program will even click on a verification link, never
mind filling out some silly junkmail order form. If you want a newsletter,
it is up to YOU, to make sure that you are not blocking it.

The Humor Letter is no exception, except that you can still read it here,
on-line, at http://webby.com/humor,
even if you are blocking it in the mail.