Thanks for your reply. I can't say enough how refreshing it is to know there are other women out there who are going through this. (Not that I would wish this on anybody!!) I am dreading my due date - its coming up. May 22. That wouuld have been Grace's 3 month birthday too. And, just to touch on what some of you were all saying, I too am a Christian. I have been for almost four years. But man, has this whole experience thrown me for a loop. Not that my faith is shaken, just confused. Primarily in understanding prayer. But that's a whole nother conversation for another day.

Take care,

Jaime Nolan
Mother of Grace Ann Nolan
2/22/04-3/2/04 (born @ 27 weeks because of PE, died from sepsis)

Dear Shonia,
I also lost my daughter at birth at 25 weeks in July 2003. ALthough she was born alive, she died before I awoke from my general anesthesia, so for me she was stillborn. I too am a devout Christian and have questioned GOd a lot.

You mentioned that you felt let down by members of your church, I can relate a bit to that, and what kept me sane is remembering that although a church is the house of God, it is run by people. Human, fallible, sinning people who are not perfect. I think a lot of people just don't know what to say or how to react because losing a baby is just too terrible to think about and they don't want to put themselves in our shoes.

I pray for peace for you and me and all the members and mothers who have lost their children. I also believe that the way God has blessed me through this is by giving me my faith that in the grand scheme of things, some good will come out of this and that I know for certain my daughter is in a better place than I. As Billy Graham said after 9/11, "...if she could, she wouldn't want to come back because where she is, is so glorious." I also want to share with you one of the most comforting thoughts somebody shared with me, that love too crosses the Placenta and the short time my daughter was with me, she knew how much I loved, cherished and wanted her. Shonia, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Gossamer

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you.
This is the miracle of life. " -Maureen HawkinsMary Rose

After Zach died, a friend sent me a CD by a Christian artisit, Jana Alayra. Jana had a daughter who died quite young in a car accident. She wrote a song for her daughter that I have found to be of immense comfort. While I have not yet been able to listen to it without crying, it fills me with hope for the time when I will hold my son again.

If anyone is interested, please email me (pelote77@aol.com) and I will email you the song.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that our bodies have betrayed us. There is nothing you could've done differently for your daughter - you did not cause this and you are not to blame. I know that it's one thing to know that and another to really be able to be at peace with it. Our minds know that we did everything we could but, our hearts sometimes wonder.

After we lost Zach, I wanted to become pregnant again right away. Our doctor told us we needed to wait at least 6 months. I was devestated. How would I fill those 6 months? What would be my purpose each day, why would I even get out of bed? It has now been 9 months and we have just started trying again this month. In all honesty, the first couple of months after Zach's death are a blur to me. Then, I stumbled upon this Foundation and found other women like me and I began to start getting out of bed... Then came his due date and things started to take a turn and I was able to be hopeful for the future. Then came Christmas and I took a couple steps back. Then came the six month mark and my husband wasn't ready to TTC, I took a couple more steps back. Then we saw a new doctor who wanted to put me on some medication for a couple months prior to TTC, I took a couple more steps back. The medicine appears to be working though so, I take a couple steps forward. It's a journey and there are ok days and bad days. I pray that you begin to experience more ok days than bad days and I also pray that there may even be some good days.

Please don't apologize for venting, that's what this is here for. The women here are amazing, you'll find that there is always someone to listen. There are times when we all need encouragement, advice, a sanity check, someone to help us back on our feet...

I just found this organization on the web today and have been reading all the stories and the heartbreak of so many other mothers like myself. While tears are streaming down my face as I read this, there is such a comfort in knowing that there are other women out there who KNOW what I am going through. Who reallly, really know. I was diagnosed with severe pre-eclampsia in late-February and I was only 27 weeks pregnant. I had an emergency c-section and we delivered a beautiful baby girl, whom was also named Grace. We named her Grace Ann. She was the baby that my husband and I have been trying so hard for, for so long. She was born healthy, but underweight, due to the pre-eclampsia, but only lived for nine days. She was taken by sepsis. And while my husband says that she was born healthy and the pre-eclampsia is not what caused her to die, how am I supposed to believe that? All I think about is how I failed as her mother. How I didn't take care of myself or of her. And while I know with my head that these things aren't true, my heart doesn't feel the same. This horrible disease robbed of us our child. It robbed me of my pregnancy and robbed Grace of her life. I hate it!!!! And now I read that babies are being still born because of it, and I am just so angry. My doctor is telling me that I need to wait 9 months to try again because I need recovery time from my c-section, but how can she look at a grieving mother in the face and say that? How can she tell someone who waited soooo long to get pregnant, and to have this be the result, that I have to wait another YEAR before I can even start TRYING again - and then who knows if I'll have the same infertility issues as before! Oh I am just so angry and hurt and scared. And what if it happens again? What if I get PE again and I lose another child? I just can't bear the thought of it....

I'm so sorry I vented. I guess I just needed to get it out and have someone who really understands out there to listen to me.

Dear Anne,
My baby was born still on Oct. 2003. I had severe preeclampsia and then developed HELLP after delivery. I need info on what exactly could have happened to cause this. The placenta was fine but i would not allow them to do an autopsy. COuld you help me with that?
quote:Originally posted by annegarrett

Dear Shonia,

I am glad you found us but sorry that the reason you had to was such a great loss. As you have and will find--there are too many women here who know just what you are going through. Over a quarter of our members have lost a baby--most their first baby--so you will find a great deal of love and support here and even though it isn't enough--I hope it is something. Please feel free to write me anytime at my personal email anne@preeclampsia.org or call the toll free number at the office 1-800-665-9341. That goes for any of you. I would be happy to talk to you and offer support. I lost my mother (my best friend) last October and these past weeks have been terribly tough. You think it gets easier--but then it isn't. I wish there were words. My only consolation is none at all--which is that there are so many women here who understand my loss. I wish it weren't so--but it unfortunately is.

Please take care and let me know if I can do anything to help you through this tough time.

Thank you for your beautiful words of comfort. It also comforts me to know that I am not on the road to * for some of the feelings i've been having about not understanding God and His reasons. I am so sorry about your little Gracie, I actually had thought of naming Savana that. I hope your don't mind the "Gracie", I just think it's so cute. And what a name that is, when right now what you and I need most is GRACE.... Please pray for me, I desperately need it. I have found myself lashing out at others that I thought should have been there for me in the last few weeks. Since we are Christians, and we are supposed to have brotherly love I question where were my brothers and sisters when i needed them most. Honestly, except for family, there was no one from my church that came to see me? Any ideas why? Did they think it just wasn't a big deal? or, because no one knew Savana? I really need help understanding this. I even spoke out at a ladies' meeting and told them that I felt as if my church let me down, i didn't say it mean or anything, i was just honest. Most didn't know what to say or didn't have anything to say. I know i must let go of this or it will destroy me spiritually, you know it's like i know the right thing to do but my emotions sometimes overtake me. I felt your love through your post and i want to say "Thank you and I will pray for you and your family."
God Bless.
quote:Originally posted by tschnelle

I am jumping into the conversation, but I, too have had this test my faith. I am a devoted Christian, a minister's wife, but not infallible. I wonder His plan, the purpose of having me carry Grace full term, only to come home with empty arms. I know that He can use Grace's death, I know He could have prevented it, I know that something good will come of this.

This whole situation has caused me to simmer in silent anger about all those who are not faithful, but seem to be blessed again and again with children, not anger directed at the person, but a green jealousy of their child-filled life. My baby's room is empty, shelves filled awaiting the homecoming of our little one, that did not come to fruition. I rage against my body for not being able to do what it should. I anxiously mark the rise and fall of my temperature, waiting for the moment I can be a mother again, but it doesn't happen. Who knows why this happened to us. But our God is a big God, one who can handle our questions, our silence, our rage, loving us all the while. I have tree vision, but God is a God of the Forest. Some day, we will know the "why". In the meantime, we hand over control to our Maker, and move over into the co-pilot's seat. God knows all things, has felt all things, and will make us new.

Tonja Schnelle
mommy to Grace Elizabeth,
born still 11-03-03 at 36wks and 5 days
due to PE & HELLP

Shonia - Thank you for comment on my daughter's name, we love it. I so desperately wish she was with me though, but God had other plans. I am also a Christian and have hard times dealing with God over these last months. I am now in a place where I feel God's plan. We will never know "why", but we have to trust in His plan. Knowing one day we will all be together in His Kingdom. I try to focus on the positive things that have come out of Faith's short life and that helps. Everyday I desperately want to cry out to Him WHY, but I work hard everyday to trust in Him. Tonja's post definately expressed my feelings too.

I pray that you are able to find peace and have a wonderful pregnancy. I understand your feelings with this baby, because I know I would feel the same. We are going to try again this summer and I pray to God that His will be done if I am to have another child and I pray to Him that he puts a veil of peace upon me. God bless.

I am jumping into the conversation, but I, too have had this test my faith. I am a devoted Christian, a minister's wife, but not infallible. I wonder His plan, the purpose of having me carry Grace full term, only to come home with empty arms. I know that He can use Grace's death, I know He could have prevented it, I know that something good will come of this.

This whole situation has caused me to simmer in silent anger about all those who are not faithful, but seem to be blessed again and again with children, not anger directed at the person, but a green jealousy of their child-filled life. My baby's room is empty, shelves filled awaiting the homecoming of our little one, that did not come to fruition. I rage against my body for not being able to do what it should. I anxiously mark the rise and fall of my temperature, waiting for the moment I can be a mother again, but it doesn't happen. Who knows why this happened to us. But our God is a big God, one who can handle our questions, our silence, our rage, loving us all the while. I have tree vision, but God is a God of the Forest. Some day, we will know the "why". In the meantime, we hand over control to our Maker, and move over into the co-pilot's seat. God knows all things, has felt all things, and will make us new.

Tonja Schnelle
mommy to Grace Elizabeth,
born still 11-03-03 at 36wks and 5 days
due to PE & HELLP

Well, you have now joined an elite club that no one ever desires to be a part of, and there are more of us here than you know.

I still struggle with my Gracie's death, and while I long to be pregnant, realize that when I am, I will grieve all over again, remembering my precious first born. Congratulations on this new life growing inside of you. Try not to let your fears overcome you. This is a new pregnancy and could be entirely different than the last, and have a blessed outcome.

This dear sweet child is not being replaced. You will still miss your little girl, no many how many babies you are blessed with.

Allow yourself the privilege to grieve, and ignore those around you who are far too free with their sage advice. You have earned the right to long for your firstborn, which is something that while it will get easier, will never go away.

I pray for a safe pregnancy. Keep us posted.

Tonja Schnelle
mommy to Grace Elizabeth,
born still 11-03-03 at 36wks and 5 days
due to PE & HELLP