Whole Foods And Christian Louboutin Team Up For The Worst Collaboration Ever

Whole Foods x Christian Louboutin is a joke right? This is a parody—it has to be. Supposedly these shoes are made of kale. I DON’T EVEN PUT KALE INTO MY STOMACH, SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT IT ON MY FEET? I eat cows and my sneakers are made of leather because that shit makes sense. I don’t care if these sneakers are recyclable and a portion of the proceeds get donated to to charity. See, me and Whole Foods don’t really mix because Whole Foods keeps making really questionable decisions. For example, MAKING AN $1,100 SHOE THAT IS UGLY AND UNECESSARY. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A RED SOLE. ISN'T THAT THE ENTIRE POINT OF LOUBOUTINS?

I just don’t get this whole shoes/glasses/whatever for charity thing. Just go buy actual cool stuff and donate money to charity after the fact. Don’t have the cash for both? THEN DON’T FUCKING COMPROMISE BY BUYING WACK SHIT AND THEN TANGENTIALLY GIVING TO CHARITY BECAUSE THE COMPANY TELLS YOU YOUR PURCHASE HELPS SOMEONE IN NEED. If I wanted some gross sneakers that were supposed to help poor kids I’d just buy TOMS. PSYCH! I’D BUY SOME RICK DUNKS AND THEN MAIL A CHECK TO AFRICA FOR POTABLE WATER. I’d rather those kids have drinkable water than a pair of the official shoe for lazy douchebags worldwide.

We don’t need artisanal breads and stupid ass designer sneakers made out of the world's grossest vegetable.

Did you guys know Whole Foods is opening in Detroit? Yeah, a city that has made headlines for being a food desert is getting one of the most expensive grocery stores known to man. DETROIT WILL NEVER RECOVER BECAUSE RICH ASSHOLES SEE IT AS SOME SORT OF HIPSTER MECCA BECAUSE THEY THINK WE ALL HANG OUT AT THE PACKARD PLANT. "HOLY SHIT DETROIT IS FUCKED UP, BUT THERE ARE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO RIDE FIXED GEARS AROUND, SO IT MUST BE GETTING BETTER." Let me tell you what Detroit needs. IT NEEDS BODEGAS THAT SELL ESSENTIALS LIKE MACARONI AND CHEESE AND MILK AND EGGS AND BLUNTS AND VEGETABLES AND FRUIT. We don’t need artisanal breads and stupid ass designer sneakers made out of the world's grossest vegetable. WE ALL PRETEND TO EAT KALE JUST LIKE WE PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT OUR ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT. I can't wait for a bunch of dicks who can't afford to live in New York and LA anymore to move to my city and own chickens and start "urban farms" because they work the register at Whole Foods. STAY IN BROOKLYN. WE DON’T NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP.

Real talk though, have you guys tried Gorilla Munch Cereal? I discovered that at Whole Paycheck a while back and THAT SHIT IS DEVINE. IF THERE WAS A CHARITY THAT SOLD DELICIOUS ORGANIC GORILLA MUNCH CEREAL I WOULD TOTALLY GET ON BOARD. EVEN IF IT WAS ON KICKSTARTER.