The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 37] – The Enigma Variations

Doctor Sinister.An evil Supervillain with an insane lust for power. Resurrected after saving the world from a power mad supercomputer, the new version of Doctor Sinister still harbours a desire to become Supreme Emperor of the planet Earth. Enjoys the company of cats, cloned genetically modified Dinosaurs and people who say “yes” all the time.

And featuring:

General Menace. Graduated from West Point Military Academy with honours, served for twenty-five years in the US Army, reaching level of 2-star General in command of training facilities before being recruited by a previous incarnation of Doctor Sinister to command his New Model Army of World Domination. Has a penchant for cigars and Alyssa Milano.

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General Menace, 9mm pistol in hand, stealthily sidles down the rock-hewn corridor leading to the half-open armour-plated doors that open into the most important area of the Sinister Imperial Command Complex – the War Room. As he does so, an awful screeching noise emanates from the chamber itself.

Armed guards wearing ear defenders flank the General and they stealthily leapfrog each other down the hallway, covering every angle of fire as the raucous caterwauling echoes through the entire base. Technicians scurry past, hands clamped over their ears to shut out the sound which rends the very air itself as if a thousand bagpipes were tuning up.

Exchanging grim looks, the men take up positions either side of the main entrance to the War Room as General Menace stealthily pokes his head around the edge of the steel door to see…Doctor Sinister – Ahh! General! So pleased you could make it at last.

(Doctor Sinister is stood in the middle of the chamber, facing away from the door. He glances briefly over his shoulder at the General who stands framed in the doorway. The enormous conference tables and chairs have been moved and are stacked up against one end whilst at the other, the massive viewscreen which dominates the room is displaying strobing, flashing lights and images of cheering crowds. The wailing noise continues as Doctor Sinister moves his hands mysteriously on an object hanging across his belly. In the corner of the room, two Siamese cats cower on the floor in terror)

General Menace: My Lord? Is everything all right? Is one of your cats ill? Has your cybernetic arm short-circuited again? Should I call a mechanic?

(Looking confused, Doctor Sinister looks back to the viewscreen. He flails his arms around madly and the screeching, crashing noise trebles in volume. The two cats run off into a side room)

No, no I don’t believe so…what on Earth are you talking about General?

It’s just that…I came here straight from the laboratory, the noise…people are getting upset, it’s set alarms off throughout the complex. Some of the men thought we were under attack.

(The noise stops as Doctor Sinister turns to face the General to reveal that he has a white plastic guitar strapped around him) On the Wii, yes. I’ve got it plugged into the PA system. Why?

(Signaling to the guards to leave who do so with gratitude, removing their ear defenders as they walk from the War Room) Never mind. It’s fairly obvious that you haven’t cracked the practice sessions yet though. Sagacity, has it ever occurred to you that you might not be cut out for video games?

No, why, should it have?

It’s just that, ever since you got the Wii, there have been…incidents.

Incidents?

Yes Excellency. Incidents. Like that time you played Professor Morris at Wii Tennis and he kept beating you.

What about it?

Professor Morris went missing shortly after and we only found the body a week later. He had a Wii remote shoved up his nose. And then there was that Wii boxing match…[continued on next page]

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