Jeremy Clarkson

Clarkson on: Jaguar

As I write I write, Eddie Irvine is stuck behind a
Berlingo bread van, in an almighty traffic jam at Ste Devote in Monte Carlo.
But team boss Niki Lauda is hopeful the feisty Irishman will finish the Grand
Prix by next Wednesday.

Next
year, the team is hopeful its cars will be able to finish races ‘within a week'
of Michael Schumacher's Ferrari but pit lane observers reckon this might be
optimistic.

Meanwhile, a Jaguar dealer told me last week that every
race in which the green team takes part costs him another sale. "People don't
want to be associated with losers," he said.

Jaguar.
Losers. It must be galling for the people who work at the plant. I spoke to one
of them last week. "Not really," he replied. "We just don't talk about it."

Maybe
they should. Or maybe they've got better things to gas about at the water
cooler. Like: "Where are we going?".

I
was stuck behind a bus yesterday which sported the most recent advert that Jag
is running: ‘A new Jaguar from £19,995'.

Now price campaigns might work for supermarkets and
tampons but when it comes to big plush saloon cars with squidgy carpets and
burr walnut facias, the appeal is based on something more important than money.

Surely you want a Jag because you want to buy into the
whole Jag deal. The old race wins. The E-Type. The D-Type. Lofty England's pipe
and Dr Finlay's Casebook. A £19,995
front-wheel-drive X-Type may well make this dream more realisable for more
people, but for how long?

How
long will it be before we see Jaguar as the maker of cheap cars and the owner
of a grand prix team that keeps losing?

There
was always hope, of course, that the F-Type would silence the doubters, that
this mid-engined convertible from the man who gave us the Aston DB7 would ride
through the dream like a white charger, restoring honour and doing good deeds.

But they've canned that, saying they need the resources
to make a diesel engine. Oh for ****'s sake. I'm sure a diesel will increase
sales by 0.4 per cent in Germany, in the same way that a £19,995 X-Type will
make up for the sales of XKs lost due to Lauda's green machines. But who, in
Coventry, has an eye on the future?

When
I was little, I wanted a Jaguar because they made the E-Type. And because I
liked Steed's wide-bodied XJ in The
Avengers. My son, however, wants a Subaru. I have never once heard him
say: "Dad. When I'm big, I want a diesel X-Type".

I
wasn't even holding out much hope for the new XJ. I'd seen spy shots of it, and
occasionally I'd seen one tooling round the Millbrook Proving Ground disguised
with nothing more than a false moustache and a flat hat. And I thought "hmmm".

It
seemed to have lost the feline grace which makes the current XJ one of the best
looking saloon cars in the world. I sometimes look at my XJR in the drive and
can't believe that the basic architecture goes back to the mid-Seventies. What
other creature of the decade that taste forgot has fared so well?

However, I've now sat in the new car and I'm delighted to
admit I was wrong. It's a beauty. Most of it was the work of Geoff Lawson, Jaguar's former designer - who's now dead - but you can see
elements of Ian Callum in the mix. He's lowered the back of the
roof, and increased the size of the haunches. So it's still a cat. But now, it's
a big one.

How
big? Well it's longer than the new 7-Series. It's longer than an Audi A8. In
fact, it's only a centimetre shy of the S-Class. So naturally, there's now a
lot more space in the back, and the boot.

"I look at my XJR and can't believe that the basic architecture goes back to the mid-Seventies"

However,
in the front, they've been jolly clever, because although it's obviously bigger
(the seat is no longer level with the B-pillar so you can rest your arm on the
door while driving) it still feels cosy, like a cocoon.

And
then there's the dash. They must have been tempted to follow in the footsteps
of the Range Rover and make it looks like a fusion restaurant in Notting Hill.
But they've stuck with the melted Mars Bar wood, and the leather. They've made
it look like an alderman's sideboard - and that's probably right.

Jags
aren't supposed to be sun-dried tomatoes drizzled with jus. They're supposed to
be spotted dick with custard. Which is why I'm staggered by the weight loss. It's
made from aluminium, and even magnesium in places, and is a fifth of a tonne
lighter than the old car. Not even Vanessa Feltz lost that much.

This
is a bloody good car, modern and spacious where it needs to be but still sleek
and cosy and wooden in all the right places. An old and much loved record, now
available as an MP3 download.

The
problem is, of course, that you're buying into a brand that does ‘Win!
Free! Save! Pile 'em high sell 'em
cheap' ads for front-wheel-drive diesel Mondeo saloons and only finishes grand
prix races just in time for the next one to start. (And don't say ‘What about
the Italian GP?' By the next race they'll be last again - that third place was
a fluke.) And that's an issue.

Or
is it? My son wants a Subaru not because its made by Fuji Heavy Industries but
because it's a damn good car. I've just bought a Mercedes not because of
Germany's record on world peace but because I like it. And lots of people are
buying Hyundai Coupes (rightly so) even though half of them don't even know
where they're made.

The fact is: they could
call this new XJ a Grapefruit. And I'd still give it space in my garage.