A Realist’s Guide To “Old Sayings”

There are three kinds of people in the world: realists, cynics and idiots — and it’s very easy to tell them apart. Realists see a glass half full of water and, if they’re thirsty, drink it. Cynics see a glass half full of water and race for Social Media to tell the world Donald Trump peed in it. And idiots don’t even see the water. All they see is an opportunity to create some metaphorical homily that’s supposed to enlighten the rest of us who haven’t noticed life’s intrinsic meaning. Crap like, “It’s always darkest before the dawn” (a physical impossibility) or “Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.” (Tell that to Mary Ann Nichols who met Jack the Ripper for the first time in 1888.) Here are some other examples of this dumbass bumper sticker philosophy:

There’s Honour Among Thieves — No, thieves are not honourable. They’re THIEVES! They steal things; that’s their job. And when they run out of regular people to steal from, they steal from each other. (Hasn’t anybody seen The Sting?)

Money Isn’t Everything — Yeah, but it’s sure as hell ahead of whatever’s in second place.

The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth — Maybe, but I’m willing to bet there’s going to be at least one 300 lb. biker, swinging a metal pipe, who wants to contest the will.

All’s Well That Ends Well — This one’s actually true.

Misery Loves Company — Gimme a break! The last thing I want to see when I’m feeling crappy is somebody who has it worse off than I do. That defeats the whole purpose of being depressed.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine — If I even touch this one, I’m going to get emails.

Love Conquers All — I’ve only got one word to say about this: Romeo and Juliet.

Live And Learn/Older And Wiser — Not even close. We all know somebody who’s made a career out of figuring out stupider ways to make the same mistakes.

Opposites Attract — This makes a mockery of all those birds of a feather who are flocking together.

Never Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth — This one doesn’t even make sense. What the hell is a “gift horse?” And, BTW, when was the last time you actually saw a real horse –“gift” or otherwise? We’re not Trojans, for God’s sake!