With YOUR daily injection of all things icky, I’m Too Soxy. I’m here live in cubicle hell reading a Google alert about how favorite pitcher-turned-JudasJuicer Roger Clemens wants MORE money from America.

Just when you thought it was safe to stop rolling your eyes… Just when you thought that, regardless of how screwed up the mistrial was… at least it would mean you wouldn’t have to hear about this shit. This irritating, irritating shit. Just when you thought it was safe to check your Google alerts-

So, Ortiz said some hate. Was it last week? The week before? As usual, it was FRONT PAGE NEWS. Because, even though attention COULD be focused on relevant teams. You know. Like the Cards. And the Rangers. That’s not the way the world works. Apparently, people hate us more than they respect the World Series.

As a true Papiest, I refused to read said hate (miraculously, thanks to a clever e-mail filter), so it’s a lot easier for me to let bygones be bygones.

I mean, that’s enthusiasm, people. You know who DOESN’T have enthusiasm? Curt Schilling. Ever. When he talks smack about the team that made him… Curt Schilling. Who doesn’t even play anymore and (as much as it breaks my heart to say this) is as irrelevant as the defunct cubicle walls piled up in the storage room of my office.

It was a frustrating year for Papi. He played okay plus. The team sucked up blackholes worth of shit. And yeah, so he let a few things slip to the media, like that bit about wishing Aceves was in the rotation (that bit that we were ALLLLLLL thinking and blogging about). And stormed a presser. Oh, and almost killed Kevin Gregg (but really, who wouldn’t, given the opportunity?). But not resigning? That would break my heart.

A heart already pulverized by a Soxtember and Soxsplosion.

But then there’s Jonny Paps. Aka Jonathan Papelbon. CAN we sign both of them? SHOULD we sign both of them? What would we do without Papelbon? Seriously? Since I can count at least a billion occasions where he was the only one who remembered he was a pitcher?

Papelbon, who does sometimes forget he’s a pitcher and not a jigger, is historically fun to watch. You know. When he’s not loading the bases and watching the score creep up as he loses the last game to the Yankees when you’ve made a bet with that karaoke dj you’re dating that involves a humiliating amount of barbecue sauce and- (NEVER FORGET) I’m okay.

Papi is the face of the Sox.

Papelbon? Perhaps its savior?

Soooooo torn.

And then there’s Jason Varitek, who I am lobbying to replace Curt Young.

So many decisions.

I wish I was the one making them. Thoughts? Time to get serious, people. This Ben guy, he needs us.

Seriously, guys, when will the media Soxsplosion cease? I really feel sorry for Cards and Rangers fans. I’d be pissed (and was) if other teams overshadowed my World Series. Remember how it felt when the A-Rod announcement came out mid-WS? The difference? This isn’t us. It’s YOU, espn.

PS- Youkilis watch! K-Youk himself was spotted at Whalburgers. Do you think they have veggie Whalburgers? And do you think Paul Whalberg could introduce me?

It’s kind of heartwrenching going back to the beginning. Where it all began. From Dice-K heartbreak to Reyes fails to Bad-bad Bobby Jenks. What a long, strange trip it’s been. And Lackey… you were a big part of that downward spiral.

Ben Cherington (clever nickname pending), our new GM (who WANTS the job. suck it, Theo), made an important announcement today. Now. Before I give you details, I’m going to need you to take a deep breath. A deeper breath. That’s it. What I’m going to tell you MAY evoke an audible reaction. But, for the sake of team spirit, unity, political correctness and decorum, you MUST keep it to yourself, k?

Ready?

Okay.

John LACKEY. Is getting Tommy John surgery. And… wait for it… another deep breath…

“I believe he’s going to be a much better pitcher than what he showed in 2011, and we look forward to having him as part of the staff, likely in 2013.”~Cherington

Screw it. It’s the internet. No one can see you. Let it out. LET IT OUT NOW.

Better?

Okay. Let it out again.

Now that we’ve all had a good, cathartic cry-laugh- this isn’t good news. We paid John Lackey a katrillion dollars. A KATRILLION dollars. And by we, I mean Theo Epstein, who doesn’t have to deal with the fallout, because he’s skipping through the poppy fields with the cubbies. (Isn’t it easier to think of EVERYTHING like it’s happening in Wizard of Oz?) Fallout from a guy we hired. With a crappy elbow. Whose MRIs suggest…. he HAD a crappy elbow. WHEN WE HIRED HIM, THEO. I took the liberty of bolding that in red for you.

Would this mean we’d have to stop comparing C.C. Sabathia to the Jungle Book bear? Because a lot has already changed over the past month. And I don’t think I’m ready to do that. Not yet.

~L

PS- Remember. We are saddened by the news and will be thinking of John Lackey during this difficult time. We wish him a speedy recovery. <- our OFFICIAL statement. Got it? You’re going to need to practice that if you’re going to say that by the water cooler tomorrow with a straight face.

PSS- Who LOVES Ben Cherington? This girl. ONE DAY and you have already solved Lackey. ONE DAY.