Within
this blog, I am looking at one dimension of the cycles that I use to create and
perpetuate my compulsive skin-picking disorder by having observed what goes on
in my mind while i am in the midst of the possession. By doing this, I am able
to see and determine what thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs I
participate within and as throughout the day, which I accumulate and compound
into certains energies and energetic experiences within mywelf, as myself, that
I look to escape and/or release through participating in obsessive-compulsive
behaviour. I am looking at this dimension with the tool of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
succumb to and participate in the pattern of skin-picking that creates an
intense clarity and focus, wherein I would go into events, memories, fantasies
and imaginings about things that I wished I had done or said or what I should
have done or said or will do and will say next time, wherein, I end up playing
out the scene in my mind in perfection, without thinking through any wayto practically apply myself in the situation
or event, and then in reality I find I am not able to stand up as Who I Am in
the situation, creating frustration, anger, anxiety and disappointment.

I commit myself to use my ability to imagine to contemplate
practical solutions for situations and events that I find myself falling within,
wherein instead of cycling the memories over and over in judgment, I can work
through them in self-forgiveness in order to understand where and why I fall,
in order to better direct myself in the situation the next time it comes up.

When and as I see that I am cycling thoughts, memories,
fantasies and imaginings wherein I create a movie-like play out of who and how
I am as superior and/or inferior to others and to situations and events, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality by giving myself a
moment to consider where exactly I am in my life and process, which will always
be right Here, and I face the next
moment as Who I Am, instead of who or how I would like to be, or how I judge myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
take situations where I have fallen, for example within a confrontation, or
even an interaction within which I was not self-honest with my actions, words
or thoughts, and/or situations where I have disappointed myself, and then
playing them over and over in my mind, picking myself apart, then physically
picking at my skin, thinking and feeling that I am getting somewhere and doing
something constructive, and cycling the thought over and over in my imagination
while picking my skin, and as I feel the release, I am able to imagine myself
saying all the right things, instead of the reality of what I had done as
backing down, suppressing or speaking words I do not live. Within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within feeling the
release of skin picking, connect that feeling to the thought, idea, perception
or belief that I am releasing something real, such as the frustration,
disappointment, anger, anxiety and fear that I exist within and as throughout
my day or week or month etc…when actually I am creating more disappointment,
anxiety, fear, anger and frustration the more I participate in hurting myself
and giving away my power and my self-control, self-discipline and self-will to
this addiction.Within this, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the feeling of
release to the thoughts of myself expressing myself as I had always wanted to
express myself, unburdened, uninhibited, expressive and outward, instead of the
reality that I have existed as most of the time which is inward, suppressed ,
inhibited, shy, anxious etc… and within this relationship of skin-picking and
imagination, I create a very real experience that I AM in fact
doing/being/expressing that which I always dreamed, but in reality, I am only
charging thoughts, ideas, imaginings and fantasies with the energetic
experience of release I create and manifest when and as I pick my skin.

I commit myself to, throughout my day, stop the thoughts as
they arise, wherein I will fantasize and imagine about situations and play the
situation over and over in my head creating energetic feeling and emotional
charges- feeling charges wherein I will go into superiority and play the
situation out in my mind in such a way that I express myself the way I had
always wanted to (being accepted, being right, being validated, being funny,
being interesting, etc…); or emotional charges wherein I will imagine the
situation and all the things that prevented me from doing what I was going
to do, or being the way I really wanted to be, thus making excuses and
justifications for why I was prevented from expressing myself, when in fact,
nothing ever prevents me from expressing myself but me. I see, realize and
understand that in both cases-I disempower myself- because when I go into
superiority in my mind, what happens is when I face the same or similar situation
in reality, is that I am not able to be the person I am in my imagination. It
is not easy like it was in my mind, or I simply cannot do it/overcome the
shyness/anxiety/fear/desire or whatever it may be that holds me back, and so I
judge myself as having failed and I become angry like “why couldn’t I just do
it?” and I lose my self-trust because I had fooled myself that I was something
that I was not. And then on the emotional side- the negatively charged
imaginings/fantasies- I would encounter the same or similar situation in
reality, and immediately give up, go in to the cycles of disempowerment and see
everything as insurmountable obstacles because I had already played it out in
my head- I had already failed. So either way- I give up, and give in, let
myself down, sabotage my life, and seek the release of picking my skin-wherein
it has become a compulsion, an obsession and an addiction, because I don’t see
any other way out of the cycle or any way to stop, but I had never considered
stopping my participation in the thoughts that create the energy on a daily
basis, energy which I then look to escape or release through skin picking.

When and as I see that I am following thoughts, fantasies,
imaginings and play-outs in my mind, I stop, and I take a breath. I bring
myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that I’m not going to figure
anything out by obsessively running through scenarios over and over in my mind because
it creates energetic charges that will bite me in the ass later. I remind
myself that it’s okay to consider how to practically handle a situation, but
that I must do so within a realistic and self-honest introspection of who I am
at the moment, and what I am actually realistically capable of. I prepare
myself to realize when to STOP thinking about a situation, and to not take it
too far wherein I start to get worked up about it, by creating red flags, such as
when I start to get a feeling or emotional charge: this is the point where I
know for sure I have taken it too far- beyond a practical consideration, and
into the fantasy land that creates energy, ideas, perceptions and beliefs
within me that I use to sabotage myself with later. I remind myself to STOP
myself from obsessively over thinking situations, and to simply drop it in one
breath, and to allow myself to actually face the situation in real life, in
order that I may see who I really am, where I ‘m actually at in my process, and
what I am and am not capable of, so that I can work on those areas where I am
falling and enhance those areas where I am standing. This way, I can over time,
develop the self-trust and self-standing within which I will develop the
ability to stand in situations without having to first prepare myself, but
rather, to manage, process and handle reality in the moment, as Who I Am as
self-expression as Life.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.