Gwar Love New York City, Still Want to Kill All the Humans

November 25, 2014

Earlier this year, the death of David Brockie, also known as Oderus Urungus, shook the rock world and left fans of Gwar wondering who would fill his large, claw-toed shoes.

Enter Vulvatron.

The new vocalist character of Gwar claims to have been genetically engineered to “optimal proportions” in a lab on the planet Scumdog, from which she visits us after traveling back in time from the year 69,000. She boasts breasts that spew (fake) blood onto audiences and alleges to have studied quantum physics, martial arts, and “intergalactic musicology.” And, like the rest of Gwar, she has little sympathy for humans.

Vulvatron (alter ego of digital artist and rock fashion designer Kim Dylla) deigned to speak with the Voice over the phone in advance of Gwar’s descent upon Irving Plaza on November 30. Our conversation traversed such topics as the comet landing, the Dune series, STDs, and SantaCon.

Humans were excited recently that a team of scientists landed a probe from a spacecraft on a comet. Do you have any thoughts on this achievement?

Well, I am quite floored at the primitive bottle-rocket nature of your spacecraft and your space program, but perhaps it has to do with the amount of funding appropriated to your astronomical research endeavors by your current government. It seems that they’re more interested in playing games than actually exploring anything beyond their pathetic solar system. That whole spacecraft couldn’t even get the big field image straight, but landing various crafts on various other moving crafts with trajectories is indeed a feat of physics, and given my impression of the general human intelligence while I’m here, that is impressive for you pathetic creatures.

Could you give us directions to your planet so that we could send a spacecraft there?

Why would I want you humans on my planet? No, of course not.

Have you ever read the Dune series, the classic sci-fi books by Frank Herbert?

Are you familiar with the Honored Matres introduced in the fifth book? You remind me of those characters because they dominate men sexually.

I dominate both men and women sexually, but I’m still attempting to train my labia minora not to strangle their prey, which has been quite a problem here on Earth.

They must be very strong.

Yes, I do many exercises daily.

Do you have to go to the gynecologist on Earth?

No, I’ve not had any issues with my lady bits while here on Earth. In my time, on Scumdog, we collect STDs sort of like Boy Scout badges, if you will, and I’ve been disappointed that so far this tour, I have not acquired any new ones.

I’ve heard that you and Gwar are on a quest for the departed Oderus Urungus. How’s that going?

We keep trying to locate him and his various coordinates in the space-time continuum. He’s probably somewhere holed up with some prostitutes and some crack cocaine, but I have traveled space-time to avert the ultimate destruction of Oderus, Gwar, and the universe as we know it, and, as an unfortunate side-effect, avert the destruction of the entire human race, being a side note. But so far it’s going quite well. We shall see at the end of the tour what the outcome is.

What do you think of New York City?

It’s quite infested with your species in terms of population density. You have some nice bits of architecture and some delicious spots in which to imbibe alcohol, my favorite adaptive human pastime. I think we are also going to kill all the humans in New York City at the Irving Plaza.

That’s the goal?

Yes. We will slay you all.

Would you and Gwar be willing to come back to New York on December 13th? There’s this yearly event called SantaCon where drunken people dressed as Santa Claus invade our bars. It might be nice to have your help dealing with those guys.

So you want us to slay the drunken Santas? That sounds entertaining. And of course slaying any humans regardless of costume related to any specific holiday traditions is enjoyable for us Scumdogs. I believe on the 13th, we are playing a concert in Baltimore, Maryland, or some other awful place like that, but perhaps after showtime, we could kill a few drunken Santas with you.

Gwar play Irving Plaza on Sunday, November 30, with Corrosion of Conformity and American Sharks. Tickets are $35 and the show starts at 7 p.m.