John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The Holidays – a perfect time to demonstrate the truth to your children. (Published 12/20/2010)

Q:

Jessica, a Tributes.com visitor from OK writes: “My mother died in August at the age of 46. My mother loved Christmas more than any other holiday, and she made Christmas in our family very special. This is the first Christmas without my mother, and it has been very difficult for me and my family thinking about this "joyous" time. I am married with 2 children and I am trying my hardest to put on a happy face for my family, but behind the smile I am very sad and somewhat depressed. I don't know how to get through this tough time w/out feeling this way.”

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jessica,

The first holiday season is almost always so difficult – as the natural pain you’re having is compounded by the automatic reminders of the absence of someone who meant so much to you. And of course I imagine that your mother dying at such a young age has added a whole other emotional dimension for you.

As to “I am trying my hardest to put on a happy face for my family…” Respectfully, we’d recommend that rather than putting on a “happy face,” you put on an “honest face.” When you cover up how you really feel and pretend to be ok, you will really confuse your children. If they are very young, they won’t understand why what they can sense off your body doesn’t match with what you are putting forward. Even if they’re not very little, they rely much more on non-verbal communication than on words or ideas.

Keep in mind that as a parent you’ve always taught your children to “tell the truth,” and now you are lying about how you feel. Their ability to trust you will be negatively affected if your communications don’t match.

If is perfectly healthy for them to see you—and hear you tell them—being sad. You can then tell them the truth, with tears and other emotions attached. You can say, “I’m so sad. I miss my mommy—your grandma—so much. My heart hurts and my eyes fill up with tears."

If you do this, you will teach them and show them open, honest, and human ways to deal with and express their feelings. That is what good teachers do. As parents we are always teachers.

One caution: We don’t want either of your children to become your caretaker or therapist or surrogate parent or spouse. So even though you can be honest, you need to gently discourage them from taking care of you. Yes, it’s a little subtle to do both, but you’ll be able to know how to do that.

We encourage you to get copies of The Grief Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve [both are available in most libraries and bookstores]. The Handbook will be very helpful for you, and the other will help you guide your children in their grief and it will remind you not to let them become your caretaker.