January 5, 2010

So, Moe Lane was dared by his wife to declare Texas as part of “the East“.

And most of the Texans who chimed in on the comments are right to be offended. I mean who would want to be associated with “the East”? If it isn’t the New Yorkers hurling curses at each other, it’s the Japanese ninjas going crazy, flipping out, and killing everyone. Nothing good comes from “The East”. I mean, that dastardly sun is mocking me right now with it’s insufficient light and warmth during this winter season.

The reason we should be gentlemanly about this insult and excuse his behavior is because it is all about perspective. As a (I assume) native Marylander, Mr. Lane was deprived of a proper geography course. They probably just sang the directional song once or twice and then went back to coloring maps with crayons. The U.S. Department of Education wants to repress the truth of absolutism in all it’s forms: creationism, the moral clarity of the Judeo-Christian ethic, American exceptionalism, the nigh perpetual reign of Philosopher King Chuck Norris over the Kingdom of Texas, and the fact that Texas is the center by which all directions should be explained. While I could rant on about the others, the last fact is the one that has merit in the conversation.

The DoE wants people to view directions based on individual locations. Your position relative to others. Things closer to the equator than you are become “South”; things further away, “North”. Things closer to the prime Meridian are “East” and things closer to the International Date Line are “West”. It’s just a more sophisticated method of “This-a-way” and “That-a-way” that the directional relativists try to rot our kids brains out with.

It is mildly important to note that Mr. Lane got it wrong. Texas is closer to both the equator and the International Date Line than Maryland is; ergo, by this hedonistic compass rose method, Texas would be his “Southwest”, not his “East”. Texas would be “East” of, say New Mexico or Sonora, but not Maryland.

Of course, the proper definition of the directions follow. Be sure to note them down and use them in everyday language. It will show a level of sophistication well above the average public school graduate:

North – Anything closer to the North Pole than the Wasteland that separates the Kingdom of Texas from Those United States. Examples include Kansas and Nebraska.

South – Anything closer to the Equator than the Rio Grande OR anything on the opposite side of the Equator. Examples include Mexico and Australia.

East – Anything beyond Caddo Lake and the other geo-political markers on that end of The Kingdom of Texas. Examples include the former Confederate States of America and the Gulf of Mexico

West – Opposite of East. Examples include New Mexico and Sonora.

Wasteland – The foreigners call it Oklahoma. Good source of mole man labor, if you need intense digging work done under poor lighting conditions (and can shell out the tons of worms and grubs they expect for payment), and radioactive sub-human mutants, if you don’t feel like living anymore (and prefer death to come by being ripped apart and feasted upon but are too lazy to use proper zombie labor for the task).

So there you go, Mr. Lane. Now that I have given you a primer in geography, be sure to show off this new-found knowledge and correct your wife’s little mistake. That, in my perpetual state of bachelorhood, is one of things I think husbands are for.

UPDATE: Apparently Mr. Lane was born in either New York or New Jersey, but he is not sure. The Department of Education has failed another person in teaching them where they were born! The shame!

Slow Blogging

I apologize for my slow blogging lately. Conservatives like real jobs, and I am currently working 2 jobs, neither of which involves a lot of lazy computer time-wasting right now. Hopefully, I will get back to writing and updating daily once I get used to my current work load. Until then, please bear with me.