Ask The Experts: How Do You Play Cricket?

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Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you to Ask the Experts. In each part of this series we will examine the fascinating world around us, taking questions from our loyal readers on any subject you can think of. To facilitate this effort, at the cost of literally millions of dollars, Heavy has conscripted a research team from hundreds of the world’s greatest universities and think tanks.

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Dear Experts,

What are the rules of Cricket?

Thanks,

Jim Mooney
Qua Deung, Confederate States of Micronesia

Jim,

Cricket is one of the oldest and most regal ball-oriented sports. It’s founding can be traced back to the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt who played a similar game hurling live cats at the batters (hence the reason many kings were buried with their pets — so they would be prepared for the delights of the afterlife). The answer to your question is one of the most fascinating in all of sport: no one knows! It’s been several generations since anyone had any idea what the actual rules of the sport are. Currently, teams start out smacking a ball back and forth at each other until someone gets injured, then there is a round of drinking, then more ball-smacking. After about an hour, and several more rounds of drink, teams are finally decided by physical features (Big noses vs. small hands, blonds vs. knobby knees, etc.) and teams begin taking turns running around at random, occasionally pitching and swinging cricket bats at the balls wildly, which depending on how much drinking has gone on, are often perceived to be booze-cherubs. Several hours later everyone is sent home to lie to their respective hometowns about the results, and since no one actually cares enough to check, everybody wins!