Jokes! Jokes! and More Jokes!

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A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man,
"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?".

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?".

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman
and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

Divine Guidance?

This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, getting up at 2am to
have an early start. When he arrives he gets out his saw and
begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an
echoing voice, "There are no fish under the ice there."

The man, unnerved, looks around, but sees no one. He waits a
few minutes, decides it was just his imagaination, and returns
to his carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back,
"There are no fish under the ice there!"

"Wow!", thinks the man to himself, "God is giving me guidance!"
He moves to another part of the ice and begins carving again.
After a few moments, he hears the bellowing voice once more, "Sir,
this is the rink manager, and I'm telling you there aren't any
fish under this ice- anywhere!"

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened
on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been
hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He
ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough
and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could
not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to
do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He
climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking
that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong, and dropped like a rock, splatting
when he hit the floor....dead.

The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of crap.

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to
London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway
across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard
side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard
engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port
side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me, your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the flight attendants. This is a
recorded message."

Out Late or In Early?

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his
breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is
a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Rally for Ethical Treatment of Software!!

New York, NJ, August 27 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of
Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies
have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that
regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so
that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola,
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products
are available." According to PETS, these companies force software to
undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or
days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any
means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day
they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for
hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed
anymore."

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing
industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely
successful without resorting to any form of software testing.

PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives
of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.

What Am I?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he
tripped over a large snake and fell- KerPlop!- right on his twitchy
little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to
trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see
you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never
seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and
a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"
(And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.)

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough! By the way, WHAT kind of
animal are YOU?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to
examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind
of an animal am I?"

"Well, you're hard, you're cold, you're slimy ...

You must be a lawyer!"

CATHOLIC MATH:

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took
Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first
day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He
doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room &
starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and
little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to
dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room
without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as
before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home
his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room
and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her
surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her
curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she
replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms,
WHAT was it?". Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day
of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't fooling around."

I am going to the bathroom...
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the
White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill
to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill
wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me
up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels
motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your
fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the
candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you
on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office
party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your
Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you
think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when
she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone
twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat
out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on
the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from
the party last night...... and there aren't any.