A Very [ _______ ] Christmas

Another holiday
season brings another set of holiday singles. Here they are: the good,
the bad and the Bieber.

The bitter chill in the air and the ornamentation adorning
more and more households each day can only mean one thing — it’s time,
once again, for our favorite pop stars to churn out some easy Christmas
cash-ins! Venture if you will on this bountiful sleigh ride of Christmas
tracks that 2011 has brought.

Justin Bieber: “Mistletoe”The Canadian money-making automaton now has a Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe, ripe
for pre-tween consumption. The album’s single, “Mistletoe,” is an
original by production team the Messengers. Surprisingly, it’s not
Bieber’s traditional brand of highly produced dance-pop. Instead, it’s
in the vein of Jason Mraz (ahem, rip-off), accompanied by a sparse combo
of sleigh bells and acoustic guitar. The lyrics are somewhat
confounding. There’s definitely a parallel made between the “miracle” of
kissing his “shorty” and the birth of Jesus. Additionally, there are
“chestnuts roasting like a hot July” (because that’s a thing we do in
July?) and the “word on the street, Santa’s coming tonight” (your street
informants suck, Justin). While Bieber gets more vitriol than he
deserves, “Mistletoe” only has the potential to spawn more haters.

Scott Weiland: “Winter Wonderland”Scott Weiland has a Christmas album (The Most Wonderful Time of the Year).
There’s a 40- to 95-percent chance that Scott Weiland is unaware of
this. The notoriously drug-addled frontman of Stone Temple Pilots and
Velvet Revolver sounds positively sloshed on this version of “Winter
Wonderland.” There’s nothing rock ’n’ roll about the arrangement.
Instead, it attempts a more classic, lounge-singer vibe. It falls flat.
The track’s lifelessness makes it seem like Weiland rolled into the
studio and somebody handed him a sheet of lyrics and told him “Here,
sing this.” Any Spokanite found listening to this over the Bing Crosby
rendition should be jailed.

She & Him: “TheChristmas Waltz”Hardly the most canonized holiday tune,“The Christmas Waltz” (from A Very She and Him Christmas) suits
the indie-pop duo well. Zooey Deschanel’s vocals are typically sweet
and day-dreamy (though a shade too much reverb creates unnecessary echo)
and though the guitar work isn’t much of a test for M. Ward, he handles
it precisely. Save for a few keystrokes on the bridge, it’s nothing but
Deschanel voice and Ward’s strums, making the song understated in a
very good way. This could be your new favorite Christmas song.

Bowling For Soup: “Even Santa Needs A Break Sometimes”Bowling For Soup should be commended for the fact that many of the holiday tracks on their album Merry Flippin’ Christmas Volumes 1 and 2 are
originals. “Even Santa Needs A Break Sometimes” finds frontman Jaret
Reddick being questioned by his actual kids (Emma and Jack) about what
Santa does on his time off. The answer? Apparently Santa “grabs a
snorkel and fins and he checks out the reef,” plays lot of golf in the
spring, helps the Easter Bunny with his calendar (because the date of
Easter changes), and manages his naughty/nice list. The frenetic
run-down of activities is set on top of fast pop-punk backing, with some
frantic piano-pounding thrown in for good measure. The addition of
Reddick’s kids’ impromptu speculations (including that Santa may be
gluing together all the iPods and iPads) makes this a true dose of
yuletide family-friendly fun.

Glee Cast: “Do TheyKnow It’s Christmas?”Their ratings may be plummeting, but that doesn’t stop the cast of Glee
from belting it out on their second Christmas album. They decided to
end the aforementioned album with a cover of the most blowhard-y
Christmas tune of all: “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” For those who
don’t recall, back in 1984 Bob Geldof got a bunch of his famous friends
(Paul McCartney, Bono, Sting) together to bum every holiday shopper out
by informing them that there’s famine in Ethiopia. The “classic”
includes choice lines to get you in the holiday spirit, like, “It’s a
world of dreaded fear, where the only water flowing is the bitter sting
of tears” and “Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!” Now
that same sense of self-righteous shame is brought to you by the teen
sensations (complete with their superb harmonizing and shiny pop polish)
that you can find on Tuesday at 8/7 Central on FOX! Feel the cheer!

Michael Bublé feat. Thalia – “Mis Deseos/Feliz Navidad”Michael Bublé could roll out of bed and record a
pitch-perfect rendition of a Christmas classic that your mom would
adore. The low degree of difficulty clearly has left him bored to the
point that, sometime during the recording of his latest Christmas album,
aptly titled Christmas, he went, “Screw it, I’m gonna try this
next one in Spanish.” Of course, he nails the all-Spanish intro (“Mis
Desesos”) and proceeds to trade well-sung alternating lines of Spanish
and English with Thalia during the “Feliz Navidad” part. Bublé is a
holiday wrecking ball that cannot be stopped.