damn its been a minute since i last blogged!! forgive me lol (damn i act like im some blogging queen and folks read my blog everyday faithfully! ha!)

well whats been up? ummm nothing much...

im selling more things on ebay...trying to make a come up...because i dont want a "real job" lol

taking pictures of "stuff" and selling them to a design firm...because again...i dont want a "real job" lol...

hanging out with my son...so i can tell people im a stay at home mom...because i dont want to feel bad because i dont have a "real job" lol..

i donno..i love being home with my son!!...i love taking pics of "stuff" and i love ebaying...and hey...fuck it lol...its getting me some money...so ill keep doing it til it dies down..

my friend derek is getting married...he asked his "live in" girlfriend to marry him..and he texted me saying "SHE SAID YES!!" lol its kinda funny to me that he would text saying that...because i assumed he KNEW she would say yes lol...men are funny!

oh yeah dad's first cousin died...which has been really sad...she and i were pregnant together...and i donno...she has 3 children...who are now left motherless and fatherless...after the oldest two's father died a year ago...and the youngest...im not quite sure where her father is...but its just a really sad situation..she was only 27...

and my only thoughts about it all is..life is soo short...especially when you are a parent...i just want to spend all my time with kpp...so if anything happens...we have great memories..lots of pictures...and love that will last two lifetimes...man i love this kid...im watching him sleep right now...

i love how his body moves a little when he breaths in and out...how he sucks his fingers until he falls asleep...he is such a great kid...and i looooove him sooo much...

so you ask...you arent working yet? lol and my answer is "hell no...i love my son too much lol...im still getting paid severance!!!!" lol

sooooo im helping my friend nikki find some cute clothes the other day in the mall...

some days she can look really pretty and feminine...but other days...she looks like a boy!

so we are in my favorite store lol (only because im a big girl! lol) LANE BRYANT....and the sales associate comes to help us in our never ending cycle of trying to dress cute lol...

she comes over...(ummm lets call her katie)...

katie: hey guysus: hikatie:what are you looking forme: something for her to put with this SKIRT...katie: you would wear that with this skirt...(while i hold up a shirt)me: umm no .....(but thinking nikki would)me: yeah im trying to find her some CUTE clothes...so she doesnt look sooo gay...or like a little boy....(talking about nikki)katie: do you think i look like a lesbianme: umm yeah! (she has on some blue jean outfit..wrinkles..pants sagging...black shirt...hair pulled back...damn i wish i had a cameraphone)...katie: "laughs".... well let me help you find her something

well as katie walks around in hopes of finding something "cute"...nikki and i keep on looking...well we come up with something on our own...while katie says something like...

"ooh you are trying to DE-DYKE-ATIZE her..."

and ooooh my god!! nikki and i died laughing...because yeah its funny..but man its soo true....

i am trying to dedykeatize her...lol......and so she looks pretty lol...(yeah yeah yeah lol i know im a priss!)....AND! so when we are together folks arent looking at us lol

but then the jacked up part about it is....i was listening to india aire...and her song "video"...says...

I’m not the average girl from your videoAnd I ain’t built like a supermodelBut I learned to love myself unconditionally,Because I am a queenWhen I look in the mirror and the only one there is meEvery freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to beAnd I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes on meMy feet, my thighs, my Lips, my eyes, I’m loving what I see

it was just really intresting that we would be going through all of this "change".....and i think..is she doing this for me? because i like to look pretty??..she wants to look pretty when we are around each other lol?? Lol...

i feel like that what song says..when i, luuvely, look in the mirror...im fine with how i look..my fat stomachl...my big legs...my fat short fat fingers lol...my big butt...my eyes...my lips...my thighs...im loving what i see......and want people around me to look good and love themselves too.......i donno...

i always think...if someone doesnt takes the time to look in the mirror at themselves..they are afraid of something...they are afraid of what they may see...if someone doesn't care about their outward appearance...i feel like...something is going on..on the inside...i guess this is what im trying to do with her...have her look pretty on the outside...and somehow all that pretty will seep itself down to her spirit...

i know whenever i feel sad...if i look in the mirror or put on something cute...it always brightens my spirit....so i donno...

should i except her for the person she is...this selfloathing "my life is bad" ...complaining about everything lol...(because the rain dropped on her lip! her words)...hates her "boney legs (her words)"....lol....a person who doesnt even look in the mirror in the morning (her words lol) lol...or do i try and help her to see that she is beautiful and loved...

and no no no...a skirt wont do it...but i think when she tried on some of the clothes she saw that she is really pretty...she saw that she is great...and loved..and can be happy...can be herself...and not overdress and madeup..just her...pretty..natural....and alittle girlie girl lol...hahaaaha (YES IM PRISSY!!).

or do i forget about it all..and leave her alone?? i donno...let her be whomever she wants to be..and let it go??

lol my sister called me last night and said..."you didnt tell me happy birthday...and its almost over....."....it was like 10pm or something...she is sooo crazy...so i said happy birthday and we talked while she waited to have dinner and watch the basketball game with my cousin...it was his gift to her...lol...we are all alike yet different lol...give me and her sports and food...and you got us in your pocket lol...

wow....we are getting older...im glad she called me...i kept having this weird dream about my mother having a breakdown...and in the dream my sister kept saying weird things...(getting on my nerves)....i kept telling her to shut up...she would have a turn to talk...lol...im sooo bossy!!!...even in my dreams lol....i guess thats why she was in my dream...it was her birthday!!!....my self conscience mind was telling me to call her lol...

im really happy she is happy about turning a year older...its nice...i know when my mother turned thirty i thought she was dying....my mother told us to go outside to play.....while closing her room's door.....and my sister gathered us together (because she was the oldest) and made us do what my mother said...we had a porch connected to the front of the house...my mother's bedroom window was right on the front porch...she had sheers up to her window...so i could see right through...i saw her laying on the bed..with her face in the pillow....its wild..because i can remember this like it was yesterday...well...i asked faith, my oldest sister, while we looked in my mothers window... "whats wrong with her??..." and my sisters response was..."she turned 30 today..."...it always seemed like my sister knew everything...(still does kinda)...she always knew what the grown ups were doing and where they were going......and i knew if i asked her..she would know...well my reply to this was...."wow!!" i was thinking..."MAN!!!!..she must really be sad...she is about to die!!!"...( i was only 11 years old lol)....so i got really sad from seeing my mother crying.....not knowing that i wouldnt think thirty was soo bad...shoot...i think its a great age to be..lol...

well for years i always dreaded turning the big 30...but now..that im getting closer and closer to that age...i find myself rather happy...people will respect you alittle bit more...and respect the fact that.."you've been through something"..........

so koooootoooooossss to my big sister..HAPPY BIRTHDAY! LOL......she isnt 30...lol she is over 30...and LOVING LIFE!...

for most people....finding true loves comes once in a lifetime...when love comes...some catch it and some let it pass by....when you least expect it...when you absolutely have no idea...is the time when love finds itself fit to enter your life...

one day a man introduced himself to me....in need of someone to talk to...we both made attempts to learn more about each other....soon i would find myself in love with this man....sharing everything that was mine...soon enough...he would open my mind and my soul and take it upon himself to enter....there are few that i can trust to do such a thing...and i am sooo glad that he is another person i can love...you can never have too much...

this is my tribute to him...years before we meet...he lived a life full of happiness and pain...he went years without me in his life....all the things he's experienced...all the people that he's grown to know and love...all of life's influences has developed him into the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with...sometimes my thoughts become so engulfed in this man...i just wonder what his life was like growing up....i only wish i could view every moment...i love him...and his name is........

where are you?...somedays i wish you were right here...but i know someday it will be...or on those other days... i find myself ready to be without you in this life...will love be?...will it be between us??...

who are you?? what is your name?? have i seen you before?? will you come to me? or will i have to come to you?? whats your name??......................

oh yes...i remember now.....mister....i remember now...i see your face...i see your face in my mind...EVERYDAY....what was i thinking...i remember you now...i remember those eyes...those lips...soo kissable...will i ever kiss them again???....where are you?? where have you been hiding...

one day we will meet again...and ill be ready.....ready and not running....will you be ready??...not pushing me out...we will be still and love...still and love....we will be still and love each other...the way we need to be loved...

awww today i had the best day....kpp went to the park..and played for a while in the water...he had such a blast!!!

of course i took pics! in his baby speedo lol...with his big belly!

he did this the whole time...just running around..

he didnt really want to get too wet..lol...and its hilarious when the water sprays him...he gets alittle fickle lol

so then i catch him talking to some older girls lol..they love him already...one was trying to pick him up over the fence lol...i guess he thought they were too old for him so he started talking to some other chick his own age lol...

i guess he had enough because he went back to the water...playing and running...

but then she found him again! lol

he had such a good time...and this is really the extent of it lol...him kinda touching the water...

i saw parents trying to throw their kids in the water...kinda making them do something they obviously didnt want to do...it was kinda sad...i think it makes kids scared of things..mainly the water...

he couldnt stand being with the little kids any longer...so he ran away and got on the side with all the big kids...he is soo funny to me..its almost like the little kids were boring him or something...

after watching and playing with him...i was ready to go..but of course he was NOT!...so it took alittle coxing to get him to get ready to go...but not until he laid on the grown...

i guess thats his "falling out" thing...but "WHATEVER!...get your butt up, TUGA, and lets go!"...lol is what i said...lol...(tuga..is what i call him sometimes..short for sugar...i have nooo idea where i got that from lol)

he finally came along after finding something else to get in to...some paint on the ground lol

i got him dressed and he ran off lol to climb up and down the stairs...this was my first time ever seeing him climb down the stairs...im usually there to help him..but i never knew he could do it on his own lol...

of course we couldnt just leave...we had to go to the playground...he spotted it before i could turn the corner...the playground was really cool...because i got some video of him sliding down the slide for the first time...its crazy...he is growing up right in front of me...and when i see him doing "big kid" things...i get alittle sad...not really sad..but kinda like...awwwww he isnt that little baby i brought home from the hospital anymore...who needs my tender loving care 24/7!

but we finally got out of the park and into the car....and he was exhausted...he feel asleep on the way home! a good day!

thinkin of you and our whole situationlivin miles away but somehow I stay patientsee.....my mind frame is consentrated on the future...of you and Ibuilding a dam to stop these rivers of pain running through our livessome times I get so frustratedthinkin how close we was to ending this and we barely made itbut what would my life be without you?or what would this relationship be without truth?it'd be a wreckand I reck-onI'd have no solid ground to step on how hard it would be to take a breath and then just try and press oni know i'd be worse without you"its really all about you"its a quote but its all trueif i were in destress id call youcause youre the one, black woman..china eyesand wide thighswhen we gradually meet on an opinion and you complythe only women that i ever loved in my lifesexy thang...you blush when i say thatdisplacement of trust between us? you dont play thatill take you way backwhen we first beginn as seeds above land in the open we open up the landand then begangrowindos amigos

awww yesterday was soo fun and relaxing...i went to the pool for the first time this summer...i couldnt wait to get there...i ate a light lunch before going...but all i could hear was "wait at least an hour before swimming" something all parents say...

so i did...(even when there were know parents around..shit i am the parent!)

but wow the pool was fun...being outside in the heat in the pool is sooo nice....yeah it was a good day...

then on top of all that....dad had a mishap with his car and me and my friend had to go and pick kpp up...

aww i love that kid..when i got there...kpp was all greasy lol holding too pennys lol...dad is soo crazy lol.....he probably thought i was upset or maybe that he foiled my plans...but to be honest...lol i have no life nor do i have plans...(truth be told......its a secret i try to keep lol so people think im cool...you know busy busy busy lol.....dont tell anyone lol)...but man i always love spending time with kpp....and he looked sooo dirty and cute lol...well both of them did...like awww.....my boy...he was the CHERRY on my wonderful sundae....

its kinda weird and kinda sad...the fact that i have nooo life...so whenever dad cant or is late...for whatever reason...i really dont mind anymore because i know his intentions are good...lol...cause without kpp around...THERE IS NO PARTY LOL....

so yeah...after a good day of swimming...i get my boy! lol...and ride around....come home...and chill out...

a good day...seems like most days these days are pleasant and boring lol...somedays i really want to liven up my life...but i know that whatever party I CREATE...isnt always a goodgirl party lol...so that would mean me getting into some trouble...

you know like my grandmother's neighbor for years down in mississippi MR BILL would always say..."these young kids out here smoking these left handed cigarettes...listening to the devils music...and watching all this devil tv...and eating all this devil'd filled foods......."

so i stay patient in hopes that a good clean wholesome party comes to me....LOL...

check it out...pretty cool...so wow if i could think of something cool to make i would be in the money lol

but what will it be??

oh yeah...we went to see madagascar last night...great animation...but man the movie wasnt that great...but kpp was in to...so lol i guess thats all that matters...i give madagascar a c...great animation..no storyline...

damn its hot lol...i made a doctors appointment early today..thinking it wouldnt be sooo damn hot...well i was awaken to the tv...(my 630am alarm clock lol)

todd dykes says "today's weather is HOT!...its 76 degreesWOW"

hahahah lol i guess it has to be hot...it has to be summer...so i need to shut up about it and just be grateful i have an airconditioner lol...

oh yeah...im on a picture taking high...

her are some new pics of me and the baby boy....

man we got good tans down in mississippi...and yesterday out all day in the sun...i love it!!

we went to his grandmothers house and she commented to kpp..."you are getting black"...and man i hate when people say that...its usually only african american people who say it......but man i love to get tanned...its a code for summer to me...its wonderful...i love to see kpp darker...when i see tan (on black folks lol) i think summmmmer fun!! swimming!!

not a negative...i love being outside well when its shade involved lol...but the comment made me think...like wow...black folks still have issue with color and its 2005....

its officially HOT AS HELL!!!.....i HAD to turn on my airconditioner lol...im soooo cheap about that kinda thing...but man i hate being hot lol....oh well...its cool now with the air on!!

but here is the latest pic of me and kpp...he is suuuch a big boy now...its amazing to watch him grow...its such a great experience....we communicate soo much better these days....he can point at the things he wants...or shake his head "no" for things he doesnt want...i love this kid!!! GO KPP!!

hey im back...im soo happy to be back home...i think kpp is too...he walked in the house today and looked around lol...and then looked back at me like "oooh home sweet home"...

but everything went well...the funeral was really nice...my grandmother was loved by soooo many people...i mean it was really crazy to see alllll those people there...standing room only...its sooo weird to be down in mississippi and for her not be there with us...its crazy...that small town...everyone took care of her...everyone loved her..and it filled my heart to see it..to see folks talk about her like they did...they told the truth about her...how giving and loving and compassionate she was...how much she looooved her family...and i mean looved...some even knew first hand how she didnt have so we were all provided for...

i love those woman...i love those woman who will do that...who will provide for their family..who will feed their family and go hungry..i looove those strong black women!!!...and my grandmother was one of those woman...ill have to put some pics up of her...she was soo pretty...really gorgeous as a young girl and mother...i mean really pretty lol...

but the trip was good...and and my family didnt fight much...lol...

the drive down there was horrible...but the drive back was cool...because we stayed in a hotel!!!...i couldnt take it anymore!...i was soo ready to just be in a bed sleep...so thats what we did...slept somewhere right outside of louisville....

i have some pics but they arent that great...ill download them later and put them up...