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Pineda Quits Baseball to Sell Ice Cream

Yesterday the Yankees lost Michael Pineda to the disabled list. Today they lost him to Mr. Softee.

24 Hours after the Yanks learned their 23-year-old righty would start the 2012 season on the DL due to tendinitis, Pineda announced he is retiring from baseball to fulfill his lifelong dream of selling ice cream. The soreness in his throwing arm was too much for the young hurler to handle.

“My arm – it just really hurts,” Pineda told the media earlier today.

“I never really wanted to be a baseball player anyway. When I was a kid I saw a guy driving a big truck around, giving out ice cream to all the kids in the neighborhood. I knew right then that was what I wanted to do.”

The news came as a shock to Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman, who traded Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for Pineda on Jan. 13. The announcement stunned Cashman to the point of near speechlessness.

“I…really have no words because nothing like this has ever happened to us before,” Cashman said.

“I never would have thought this would transpire when I made the trade. I know many folks are critical of my work a lot of the time, and this time they have every right to criticize the move.”

Manager Joe Girardi is disappointed to see one of his young guns go, but at the same time is wishing Pineda the best in his new endeavor.

“We’re sorry Michael had to get hurt and we’re a little sad to see him go,” Girardi said.

“At the same time we’re really happy for him and hoping he becomes the Cy Young of ice cream sales. I know in my heart he has the ability to sell those frozen treats like no one else.”

Contrary to what many might think, Pineda has had experience in ice cream sales. When he was four, he owned his own ice pop stand on his front lawn. A hard-working merchant, Pineda would freeze lemonade, orange juice, and fruit punch in ice trays and sell assorted-flavored ice pops to his neighbors for a dime.

He eventually grew tired of watching the local ice cream man take his business, however, and began his aspirations of becoming an ice cream salesman.

“My friends would come to my stand, reach into their pockets, and right before I made a sale he would come into the picture,” Pineda explained.

“I would hear the ice cream man’s music start playing and my friends would run to him. All the money I would have made went to him. It was then I knew I wanted to do what he was doing and sell ice cream.”

Pineda has always loved ice cream. Growing up he cited mint chocolate chip as his number one favorite dessert. Cookie dough, strawberry, and sherbet are three other flavors he loved to eat after dinner – that is, if he finished his broccoli.

Yet Pineda’s absolute favorite was a specialty popsicle called a “Bubble Play” – a pink, icy delight made to look like a baseball glove with a gumball attached to the center of it.

“Bubble Play was my favorite, I loved to eat those” Pineda said.

“I don’t know if they make it anymore, but if they don’t I will get them to make it again. It’s a million dollar idea. I will make a million dollars in ice cream sales bringing back the Bubble Play.”

With his baseball career over, Pineda plans to start small. He will set up shop much like he did on his lawn 19 years ago. Only this time, his ice cream stand will be located outside Yankee Stadium. He is hoping to get hired someday by the Yankees and become a famous vendor inside the Stadium.

“I hope people know they can always come to me for ice cream,” Pineda said.

“I won’t ever be on the Yankee Stadium mound in front of everyone, but that’s OK. I just hope one day Mr. Cashman sees me and hires me to sell my tasty ice cream to the Yankee fans. I can at least contribute to the organization that way and make the fans happy.”

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I haven’t written a fake article like this in awhile and felt I was long overdue.

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