The making of Yoruba Demon(ess)es

Monday, April 11, 2016

The pressure on young ladies to get married is real. It is like if a man doesn’t find you, then do yourself a favour and find a man. Many women therefore hustle to get this done, and once this is achieved, Hallelujah, we can now move to stage two.

This stage is where things get comical, where the ladies have to insert themselves into their boyfriend’s families, especially in Yoruba culture. I have seen demons turned to angels, stingy girls suddenly become Santa Claus, introverts turned extroverts, just to make sure they are accepted at first. The ploy to spoil the in-laws is very real.

In Yoruba community, the communal culture and respect is very important. In-laws seem to have so much power. They can make or mar the woman’s marriage if the man is not strong or mature enough to shield his family from external influences.

I therefore see the fake smiles plastered on young girl’s faces when they are with in-laws, the unwilling courtesies bestowed on every family member, the loads and loads of bribes disguised as gifts. The thing is the in-laws know these things too, in many cases. But what do they care? After all, they are the beneficiaries of these things.

Coming from a very small and private family, I have always wondered I would be able to fake my way through this process. Thankfully, my mother always told me to be myself, and not to start what I can’t finish. There’s no need going to a man’s house, and fawning over your mother in law if you are not a natural fawner.

You hear Yoruba ladies who sight their in-laws, and they go “Oh mummy, you are looking so young, your skin is glowing o, mummy. This your hair, where did you make it? Ha, you like fixing? Don’t worry, when next I’m coming, I will buy Peruvian for you, bla bla bla.” They say all these, knowing 90% of everything is a LIE. She isn’t glowing or looking younger. In fact, her hair isn’t properly made.

I have seen a situation where there was a lot of fake fawning. It was so bad that I just had to walk away in irritation.

The unfortunate thing is that such acts cannot be sustained. After a while, the real person comes out, and the in-laws feel cheated because they feel the initial actions were just a front to get into the family, and they start saying things like the woman is a pretender. They might even tag her a Yoruba Demon who is just showing her true colour.

One of my closest friends is from a family of 4, i.e. she has just one sibling, her brother. She got married into a royal family. When she was courting, she used to tell me of how they used to be at the family house every weekend, cos there was always one party or the other. She would enter a room, and there could be as much as 50 in-laws seated in a circle. The bad part was that you couldn’t stand in the middle of the circle, and greet them all at once. Each in-law would require his/her own greeting. Even though my friend was a natural fawner, it was just too much. It was at that point I knew I could never get married into a royal family.

My friend has been married for 6 years now, and they don’t go to the family house or buy aso ebi every weekend anymore. They don’t do all those greeting of 70 people. In fact, they stay away as much as they can. It just wasn’t sustainable.

My opinion is that if you are a naturally polite, friendly, respectful and well-raised person, there won’t be need for fake smiles or shady compliments whenever you have to meet in-laws. Even if you are quiet and reserved, your character will shine through and speak for you. You will naturally understand that there are some places you shouldn’t go empty handed the first time. It won’t be bribery or effort to win people to your side so you can get the man to propose, it would just be second nature.

The main thing is just to be yourself, and people would love you for you.

14 comments

For me though, I love the Yoruba culture and how homely/respectful they are. They yorubas I've met in the Uk (especially through church) are literally the nicest, most accommodating, helpful and supportive people and I think it stems mostly from the ingrained culture of respect they have. An ibo son/daughter-in-law will stay keeping malice with their in-laws very comfortably....#smh.

It is well sha, I'm not sayin one tribe is better than the other o, just stating my truth from what is happening around me...

I agree with you: I say, be yourself but if yourself is saucy, insolent, rude and arrogant, at least avail yourself to change when your SO points out these negative traits to you.

Since we are on this topic, please answer these questions for me to your best ability.

1) Why is a wife NOT expected to call her husband's younger brother who she is older than by his name? That even a week old baby is considered her senior if s/he was already born before she was married into the family?

2)The wife CANNOT send any child she meets inside the house an errand? Because s/he is older than her in the family! A SIL was watching her older brother's wife sweeping, she even raised her legs for her to sweep under, that people who watched it were surprised she could not take the broom from her! So wives do not deserve the same respect that the in-laws want? Is it a master and slave relationship?

3) Why can't a wife express or caution an in-law for something wrong? Just as she will do to her own younger relative? A wife was beaten by her husband when she stopped her in-law from bringing different females into her house to have sex with, she was fed up! They are Yorubas. She got beaten again, when this same in-law tried to take the second t.v in the guest's room to his newly rented room, her husband said, she had not right whatsoever to challenge his younger brother, that she should had waited for him to come back home!

4)My neighbour was pissed off, when her husband asked her to get down from the front seat of their car and go to the back, for his brother to sit, on their way to church, not that they left home together, but saw him on the road, she was fuming, she is a Yoruba girl o.

5)A wife was in her shop one day, her BIL came to visit around 5pm, she offered him snacks, since she will soon close and go home to cook. AS she closed by 6pm and said, they should go home, he said no need he was going back to his parents house. Only the next morning, her MIL came and the first thing she said was, why did she not welcome her son well, did he not know he was her baba oku? This lady is 11 years older than him o! They expected her to close shop,go home to cook, since her shop was very close.

6)Why do they expect wives to be buying gifts always for them, regardless, if the money is there or not or she is the one fending for the family? To curry favour so the son will not marry more wives or have children outside or support her during any quarrel?

There is this believe amongst Yorubas that if you can win your MIL over to your side, your marriage is assured! Like you said, the family can make or mar the marriage if the man is not matured or strong enough! You are right! A lady went to complain about her husband's infidelity, her MIL told her she did not circumcise his p****for only her! SHIKENAH! Let me stop here o jare, tori brekete.

WAIT! Talking of 'respect' there is a difference between deep and eye-service respect! Several times, I have seen Yorubas fawn and respect their 'seniors' and immediately yimu or hiss when their backs are turned! And I wonder why bother in the first place?

@Nitty: Lol at bonafide yoruba lady. You know I'm not very Yoruba ooo, so I'm not a benchmark. I'm glad you were finally accepted for being you.

See ehn, all the cases you mentioned are extreme o. This is just too bad. I feel asides the yoruba culture thing, the fault is that of the men in these scenarios. They refused to cover their wives. It's just appalling.

@ Judge judy: Please don't be scared o. They are not the norm jo. Those men are just buffoo....

Things like this make me wonder about future generations. Will we or our children's children hold fast to some of these notions of respect/respectability? As the world continues to grow and change, how many of these traditions and cultural norms will persist?

Personally, I can only be as respectful as I know how to be. There are always going to be some things that someone finds offensive even if its not meant to be so. I say do the best you can and hope that your in-laws accept that. And if you know your family and their ways- give your wife or husband to be a thorough heads-up lol.

Oh Yoruba demonesses, we have them abound...I have cousins, I have friends who have turned into angels just to get the ring. I am not a natural fawner so this all that pretense is too hard for me to even consider.

Personally I am respectful and I know what is right, I will just not overdo it just to get favor.