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Author
Topic: Ghosts, vampires and women's shoes (Read 5500 times)

I was walking up Park Avenue the other day on my way to a meeting when I saw a ghost with a tattoo on her left shoulder. It was the first time I’d ever seen a ghost.

I quickened my pace, being careful not to startle the other pedestrians by looking like Jack the Ripper chasing his next victim, or worse, like a lawyer chasing his next client.

As I drew closer there was something about the way the ghost walked that definitely looked familiar to me, as did the spectral tattoo.

“Ginger? Is that you?” I said.

No answer.

Now back in the days when Ginger and I were a regular thing, Ginger suffered from what some folks would call an addiction to a particular kind of plastic surgery. I’m sure that there is an obscure medical name for it, but let’s just say that Ginger was very concerned about the size of her endowments. When we first met they were about the size of naval oranges. The second time we dated she’d had them enlarged to the size of grapefruit . On our third date she was hefting around a pair of volleyballs on her chest. As I was reasonably confident that there couldn’t be too many ghosts walking around Manhattan with such an extraordinary physique, I drew up next to her for a better look. It was definitely her, but her arms and legs had shriveled away so profoundly that she looked like the kind of oversexed stick figure females drawn by thirteen year old schoolboys.

“Ginger, it’s me, David”.

She turned, startled by the sound of my voice.

“Hey!” she said, “How you doin’ babe?”

“Uh, it looks like I’m doing better than you are these days, kiddo. You look a little pale.” I said.

This was an understatement. Ginger’s ghost was definitely not looking hale and hearty; not only had her limbs wasted away but she had such dark circles under her ectoplasmic eyes that her face made her look like a refugee from a Tim Burton movie.

“Oh man”, she said, “it’s been a real bummer. I got sick a few years ago and the doctors told me I’d been infected with HIV. They tried everything - AZT, DDC, DDI, D4T, you name it. Nothing worked. I passed away in1995.”

“I’m so sorry, Ginger. I had no idea you’d been ill. What are you doing in New York? The last time we spoke you told me you were moving to Miami.” I said.

“I did, but you know how it is. The kind of guys who hang around in South Beach aren’t interested in a dead girl like me.”

“I can imagine.” I said, trying to sound sympathetic. “Do you know who infected you?”

“To be perfectly honest, I thought it was you, but you look as healthy as a horse, so I guess I was wrong” she answered.

“Well, the truth is that you may have been right. I’ve got the bug myself, but it seems that I’ve been very lucky.” I said. “I just take one pill every day and try to eat the right foods and so on, and well, as you can see, I’m doing fine.” I said.

“Do you mind if I haunt you?” she replied. “I can’t afford the rents here in New York and I need a place to stay.”

“Sure, Ginger, it’s the least I can do, but really, I didn’t know, I swear.”

And off we went. Ginger’s ghost moved in with us yesterday, and I really don’t mind at all. She is excellent company, very low maintenance, and she plays a mean game of Scrabble.

I just wish that she and my present honey, Cupcake, could get along better. As some of you may recall from an old forum thread back in August (I think ) of this year, Cupcake is the vampire (really!) I moved in with after my wife threw me out. I think I may have made a mistake bringing Ginger home.

It wasn’t the fact that I’d brought Ginger home - Cupcake was perfectly fine with that. The problem started when Ginger tried on a pair of Cupcake’s Jimmy Choos.

At first I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I mean the woman is a ghost!

“Let her try on your damn shoes,” I said. “She’s a ghost, so it’s not like she’s going to stretch them out or anything.”

Big mistake.Huge mistake.

What can I say? I just didn’t consider the possibility that a woman might be that possessive about her shoes. I can definitely understand this though. You really can tell a lot about a woman by her shoes. Those Jimmy Choos, for example. A woman who wears Jimmy Choos thinks of herself as something of a babe. Why else would someone torture their feet like that? But hey, don’t get me wrong - those shoes are hot (!!!) and as we all know, the babe business is a multi-billion dollar industry. On the other hand, consider a woman who wears Arche shoes. An Arche woman likes to feel attractive but values comfort and they tend to be thinkers. I kind of like Uggs women too - laid back, but also very cute. On the other hand, there are some women, who for reasons I could never fathom, seem to favor boots that are so extended and pointed at the toe that they recall the “nose picker” boots worn by greasy guys from the ‘50s. Definitely not my thing. Too weird.

Cupcake's blood boiled at my suggestion and she bared her fangs at me."First you bring a ghost into my condo, and now you want me to let her try on my Jimmy Choos?" she hissed. "What next? Do you expect me to let that silicone lollipop sleep in my coffin?"

“Bite me, Brunhilda,” Ginger retorted. “ I wouldn’t be caught dead with YOU in your coffin even it was filled with Memory Foam.”

At that, Cupcake slashed a right hook at Ginger’s throat and missed, her talons useless against Ginger’s intangible form. Impotent and enraged, Cupcake shape-shifted into a bat and took off, swooping through and around Ginger and her vaporous volleyballs. In response, Ginger dematerialized and began throwing Cupcake’s collection of Blahniks, Christian Louboutins and Dolce & Gabbanas around the room, and there I stood in the middle of this maelstrom, dodging a closetful of very expensive flying shoes and one really pissed off bat.

I’m very unhappy. This could literally go on forever. What was I thinking? What am I going to do?

Everyone knows garlic and holy water do not ward off the evil of the vampire if you are in their homes, in a relationship, or if you invite them into your home.

We all hate those evil beings who steal our good work, our dreams and lovers. This spell is also good to erase old memories that tend to haunt us through our life. This spell is best when done under a new moon.

What you will need:

Two white candles representing the GOD (right side of your altar) and a Goddess (left side of your altar). Personally, I would choose Osiris and Hecate.

Frankincense and Myrrh, because it is known to ward off any negativity.

Sea Salt, this is very important to protect a person from any and all harm.

Goddess # 20 oil, can be found in any Witch store.

What you need to do:

Your altar should have a white candle on the upper right side representing a GOD and at the upper left, a white candle representing a GODDESS. In the middle there should be Sea Salt in a cauldron with boiling warm water. The incense should be at the bottom facing toward you.

Take your oil and annoint each item on your altar. With the candles you start in the middle and rub upwards and to go down, start in the middle and rub down. While annointing, say these words "I ward off any and all negativity, in my home, work, school, and in my everyday life, NO evil or negativity shall enter here."

After you have annointed each item pictuire a white light

When you feel the white light is overpowering, picture the white light over your home, work and school, when you are ready, say these words "Vampires and Ghosts who lurk in the nightVampires and Ghosts who try to steal my lifeDestroy no more of what I have achieved,Destroy no more of what I have received,Negativity is not welcomeEvil as well is not welcomeIn me, around me, or around the people I love"

Say this out loud 9 times, when you are done, picture the white light around you, and your home, work, school and let the white candles and incense burn until they go out by themselves. Have the best dayMichael

1. I have spent the entire night pouring through my Grandmother's Book of Shadows and found no reference to Kosher Salt in her spells.

2. The only other salt I can recall is Morton Salt whom I believe is Canadian and would be illegal for him to travel to New York because of his HIV status.

SO

Unless you know a Rabbi who is also practiced in Majik, the only other person we know who has knowledge on all things Jewish is Mel Brooks and he has not written, directed or starred in that film yet. We may have to wait a few for help.

AND

Our Resident Evil Genius, Matty the Damned is patiently waiting in the cauldron of boiling warm water (on your altar). It would be rude to keep him waiting alone. Therefore, I hope you will remove your clothes and join him. It is a lot like a hot tub. You must be tired of that Park Avenue crowd anyway, your wife has left you, Cupcake has turned into a Bat and flown away and Ginger has vanished. You don't have very good luck with women but you do know a lot about about women's shoes.

THEREFORE

As The High Priest of The Covenant to Compete, I need to attend the All Traditions Pagan Night at The Luther Burbank Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa to ask for help. That is on the third Thursday of every month so we have time. Meanwhile, I believe Matty has something which resembles a Hebrew National on his person (but is much bigger)

WHILE YOU ARE WAITING

I have a spell that will make you feel GAY.

Light a Pink Candle on your Altar while saying:

"This is to FeelThis is to BEShape it, Form it for ALL to SeeBY THE POWER of Three times Three,AS I WILL IT,So Shall it Be

Say that nine times, let the candle burn itself out and you will be Gay in no time, you already have the shoes Have the best dayMichael

Hmmm, Well, I think Sonoma pretty much has all the bases covered.... Hey, how about a love spell to make Matty straight and fall madly in love with me? And what goes better with The Queen of the Damned than someone who is an Evil Genius and already damned too!!!!!

Hmmm, Well, I think Sonoma pretty much has all the bases covered.... Hey, how about a love spell to make Matty straight and fall madly in love with me? And what goes better with The Queen of the Damned than someone who is an Evil Genius and already damned too!!!!!

Your Highness, My Dearest Queen,

There was a scientific study done in Silverlake, California based on the theory that the only difference between a Gay man and a Straight man was a 6 pack of beer. This study was conducted using two Straight men, who never met and were found at a Soccer match in Griffith Park. They were each given a 6 pack of Budweiser and a shared room (with hidden cameras). At the end of the study, they were seen exchanging phone numbers outside the facility. The results were backed by the Certified Public Accounting firm of Hunt and Steele.

The results were conclusive, you can turn a Straight man Gay but it is physically impossible to turn a Gay man Straight. I am truely sorry for your loss. Have the best dayMichael

There was a scientific study done in Silverlake, California based on the theory that the only difference between a Gay man and a Straight man was a 6 pack of beer. This study was conducted using two Straight men, who never met and were found at a Soccer match in Griffith Park. They were each given a 6 pack of Budweiser and a shared room (with hidden cameras). At the end of the study, they were seen exchanging phone numbers outside the facility. The results were backed by the Certified Public Accounting firm of Hunt and Steele.

The results were conclusive, you can turn a Straight man Gay but it is physically impossible to turn a Gay man Straight. I am truely sorry for your loss. Have the best dayMichael

I hope you mean homemade chocolate chip cookies... Those open majikal doors into the psychic portals of my mind. You really mean You Have Cookies!

First a word from our sponsor, Verstal Virgin Air...

"Coming in from London, over the polesFlyin in a big airlinerCookies flying everywhere around the planeGirl, we couldn't get much higherComing in to Los AngeleesBringin in a Couple of KeysDon't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man"

OK, that commercial message paid the bills so now we can get back to the real story...

Mr. and Mrs. Damned could make a very fine couple but what do we know about Mr. Damned... He says he is Gay but this is the internet and niether you nor I have actually met him in person. Now, I have met men from the internet in the past and have actually seen them gain 20 lbs and 20 years in less than 20 minutes.

I have also known a man who worked in HIV clinics for over 15 years and HE told everyone that HE was Gay, just to make others feel more comfortable while giving them an enema.

I have also known men who told women they were Gay because, everyone knows it would be a notch on the lipstick case to convert a Gay man to Straight.

Now, we have two possible scenarios to work with regarding our Resident Evil Genius...

This is a difficult spell but did work with the Medical Professional, who was Straight but, insisted on personally giving me an enema. I wrote this one myself and it is simply tried and true.

FIRST

You must check your Witches Almanac and watch for the following conditions1. Full moon or New Moon2. The Moon must be either conjunct, Sextile or Trine Mercury3. The Moon must also have favorable aspects to Venus and Mars4. You will need to see our Matty the Damned within three days after the spell is complete

THENCall the Corners (as seen in Section two), invoke the powers of Mercury, Venus and Mars, ask for the blessing of the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the North, South, East and West and the Spirit elements Earth, Air, Fire and Water

Annoint everything with the Rose Oil, The Patchouli Oil and the Musk Oil

As the Fire is reaching to it's fullest say"Venus and Mars, with the Power of FireHear my calls, fulfill my DesiresGive Me the Heart of Matty the Damned, by the power of Three times Three, As I Will It, So Shall it BE

Venus and Mars, I appeal to YouThrough Fires Breath and Love Anew

Venus and Mars, Tis a Simple WishWith Mercury to deliverWe can Not MissI'll Seal my Spell with a Passionate Kiss"

Repeat this 9 times and toss the Roses and Paper Heart in the Fire, while at it's fullest

NOW

Love Spells in the Wiccan Tradition are considered manipulative and are not advised so, if the person does not love you, the spell will not work and is intended to open communications between people who do love.

SO

There is a Voo Doo spell which is simple and requires the sperm of a righteous man, a lock of your hair and a packet with a Pentagram drawn on it. You take the Packet, insert the lock of hair and put the sperm over the Pentagram. Put the Packet under his door mat our under his bed but, not where you can not retrieve it later if needed.

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK

There is a Hoo Doo Spell which requires serving a cup of Coffee with a small amount of Menstrual Fluid in the morning. Have the best dayMichael(who is now, fully aware, he will never be asked on a date by any man in these forums)

I hope you mean homemade chocolate chip cookies... Those open majikal doors into the psychic portals of my mind. You really mean You Have Cookies!

First a word from our sponsor, Verstal Virgin Air...

"Coming in from London, over the polesFlyin in a big airlinerCookies flying everywhere around the planeGirl, we couldn't get much higherComing in to Los AngeleesBringin in a Couple of KeysDon't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man"

OK, that commercial message paid the bills so now we can get back to the real story...

Mr. and Mrs. Damned could make a very fine couple but what do we know about Mr. Damned... He says he is Gay but this is the internet and niether you nor I have actually met him in person. Now, I have met men from the internet in the past and have actually seen them gain 20 lbs and 20 years in less than 20 minutes.

I have also known a man who worked in HIV clinics for over 15 years and HE told everyone that HE was Gay, just to make others feel more comfortable while giving them an enema.

I have also known men who told women they were Gay because, everyone knows it would be a notch on the lipstick case to convert a Gay man to Straight.

Now, we have two possible scenarios to work with regarding our Resident Evil Genius...

This is a difficult spell but did work with the Medical Professional, who was Straight but, insisted on personally giving me an enema. I wrote this one myself and it is simply tried and true.

FIRST

You must check your Witches Almanac and watch for the following conditions1. Full moon or New Moon2. The Moon must be either conjunct, Sextile or Trine Mercury3. The Moon must also have favorable aspects to Venus and Mars4. You will need to see our Matty the Damned within three days after the spell is complete

THENCall the Corners (as seen in Section two), invoke the powers of Mercury, Venus and Mars, ask for the blessing of the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the North, South, East and West and the Spirit elements Earth, Air, Fire and Water

Annoint everything with the Rose Oil, The Patchouli Oil and the Musk Oil

As the Fire is reaching to it's fullest say"Venus and Mars, with the Power of FireHear my calls, fulfill my DesiresGive Me the Heart of Matty the Damned, by the power of Three times Three, As I Will It, So Shall it BE

Venus and Mars, I appeal to YouThrough Fires Breath and Love Anew

Venus and Mars, Tis a Simple WishWith Mercury to deliverWe can Not MissI'll Seal my Spell with a Passionate Kiss"

Repeat this 9 times and toss the Roses and Paper Heart in the Fire, while at it's fullest

NOW

Love Spells in the Wiccan Tradition are considered manipulative and are not advised so, if the person does not love you, the spell will not work and is intended to open communications between people who do love.

SO

There is a Voo Doo spell which is simple and requires the sperm of a righteous man, a lock of your hair and a packet with a Pentagram drawn on it. You take the Packet, insert the lock of hair and put the sperm over the Pentagram. Put the Packet under his door mat our under his bed but, not where you can not retrieve it later if needed.

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK

There is a Hoo Doo Spell which requires serving a cup of Coffee with a small amount of Menstrual Fluid in the morning. Have the best dayMichael(who is now, fully aware, he will never be asked on a date by any man in these forums)

Well, Damn!!!! I bet IwishIhadaPuttyTat never thought his thread would turn into a B.O.S. Please excuse us for the comedic/wiccan hijack.....There is so much to respond to here.....First off, I guess I would be S.O.L. because even if I did have all the ingredients for the spell, I surely don't have the money to travel to the land down under to be with my beloved Matty......unless, you can provide me with a money spell.... But even then, I don't know his addy.... Also, remind me to never fly Verstal Virgin Air, with all that turbulence, the pilot must be pretty damn high himself.. But loved the commercial....

I don't think the Voo Doo spell would work, I don't think there is a righteous man left. All seem to be corrupted in one form or another. The Hoo Doo spell I would never attempt to do. I knew a person that put her menstrual blood in her man's spaghetti once. Somehow the man found out and ended up putting a hot one (bullet) in the girl's ass. But then I blame the girl, she must've told someone, she should've kept her mouth shut...

And for the record, Her Majesty has never been one to brag about her sexual escapades. Talk, sometimes, brag, never. And when I do talk it is in strict confidence of my bff(best friend forever) and we do share lots of things. It would never go further than that. But then I digress, I do remember getting with a friend of mine who said he was gay. It turned out to be quite disappointing and he blabbed to every damn body!!!!

http://http://www.hivine.wordpress.comyou write really well and immediately hooked me in to the story - perhaps you can give me some hints on how to write? Chapters of my book are on my website and blog and I would love to hear from you,Adrienne

I am so glad you have returned. Other than extras work in the 1985 film Once Bitten with Lauren Hutton and Jim Carrey I have no real or percieved notions of how a Vampire lives. Also, I have lived in a haunted house for a few years but that house was haunted by my Aunt Ruby, Uncle Mel, Cousins Ruby and Jim, there were all family so we always got along. I was the only adult to ever move out of that house in a moving van instead of a coffin.

I am hanging by the seat of my pants waiting to read what happened next... Has Cupcake returned? Where has Ginger gone? And most importantly, as an openly Gay man, I must know what becomes of all those shoes? Have the best dayMichael(who knows first hand how trying it is to live with both the dead and the undead)

Michael, I am happy to say that things have quieted down and that the two of them have reached a detente - for now anyway.

I bribed Cupcake with a new set of veneers for her canines, and Ginger and I had a quiet discussion about boundaries, which are a frequent issue with the deceased. It also turns out that Cupcake and Ginger have very similar interests in pop culture, and the two of them spend hours together dishing the dirt. Sometimes this can be a little draining, but it beats having to mediate an eternal struggle between the dead and the undead.

It also turns out that Ginger is somewhat of a voyeur, and since Cupcake is quite the exhibitionist - well, you get the picture.

I bribed Cupcake with a new set of veneers for her canines, and Ginger and I had a quiet discussion about boundaries, which are a frequent issue with the deceased. It also turns out that Ginger is somewhat of a voyeur, and since Cupcake is quite the exhibitionist - well, you get the picture.

Like I was saying, I have no experience with the undead and limited experience with the dead. We buried Uncle Mel in our driveway surrounded by a circle of Sea Salt.

I was thinking about trying to get some experts involved to assist with your plight and the first people I thought of was Alisa Milano and Shannen Doherty. I figured since they were both in the TV show Charmed, they might know something or someone who could help. Alisa's people said she was not Jewish and Shannen's offered stunt doubles.

Suddenly, out of the clear blue, I remembered who is possibly the most important Jewish woman, Gilda Radner. Ms. Radner is buried in Stamford CT, which could be an easy drive from your Park Avenue condo.

The average person would have a hard time communicating with a ghost or spirit but Ginger came to you. You would need to summon the spirit of Gilda and here is how it is done.

Go to the cemetary (avoiding the Graves Annoyance), speak very gently saying:

Earth Bone and Blinding SheetLet the Spirit of Gilda, come to meYet, send it in piece or not at all."

If she comes, she should be offered white wine and not red. Have the best dayMichael

I’m very unhappy. This could literally go on forever. What was I thinking? What am I going to do?

hmmmm... its quite a situation you have over there. I have a feeling that with time, cupcake will manage to sink her fangs into ginger's spirits ... show her who is boss here .... and they might find a way to live with each other. cupcake might feel pretty amused and content with the way nobody really sees her for who she is ... and maybe ginger will lay off a bit and channel her energy into something more constructive.

hmmmm... its quite a situation you have over there. I have a feeling that with time, cupcake will manage to sink her fangs into ginger's spirits ... show her who is boss here .... and they might find a way to live with each other. cupcake might feel pretty amused and content with the way nobody really sees her for who she is ... and maybe ginger will lay off a bit and channel her energy into something more constructive.

I was just working on a blog entry when Cupcake came up from behind and purred into my ear. "David, look at this, srmn98 thinks you can show her who is the boss here. Are you going to show me who is the boss? Oooh baby, are you going to spank me?"

I love when she talks like that. She really does have quite the kinky streak.

Ginger, who was floating on the sofa, just rolled her eyes.

As soon as it gets dark enough, the three of us are going out for some last-minute Christmas shopping. At some point I'll have to slip away from Cupcake so I can pick up a present for her. I have no idea what to buy her, though.