The Top Five Ways to Sabotage Your Loved One’s Recovery

byCarol

Let’s count down on the top ways you can sabotage a loved one’s recovery, starting with:

#5 LOOK ON THEM AS DAMAGED GOODS

“Well, he’ll never get a decent job with that on his record.”
“She might as well go on being addicted, nobody decent will ever want her anyway.”
“Once a drunk, always a drunk.”
Sound harsh? I’ve heard all this and worse from well-meaning family members and friends who do not recognize the possibility of long-term recovery, or are just afraid to hope anymore.

#4 MANAGE THEIR LIFE FOR THEM

Because obviously your loved one is not capable. So you pay the bills, pick up the kids and put gas in the car. You put your own life on hold while you clean up the messes. You treat your loved one like a little kid while you get him sobered up for work and push him out the door. You shield her from the legal consequences of her using.

#3 DON’T LET THEM CHANGE

Maybe your loved one has gone to treatment, attended meetings, and worked on her recovery. Maybe she has started to change. Remind her of who she really is and where she comes from. If she has family members who also suffered from addiction, say, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Assume the worst. Point out the relapses.

#2 KEEP THE SECRET

Don’t tell anyone about your “situation.” If someone at work starts talking about their loved one’s addiction, keep quiet. It’s nobody’s business and they don’t need to know. Don’t let the other members of your family talk about it either.

#1 PLAY THE SHAME GAME

Take note of every screw-up your loved one commits. Don’t forget the vomiting on the neighbor’s car part. Talk about your shame and your ruined life.

My name is Lynn Carlson and I’m a family member of a person in long-term recovery and a Family Member Recovery Coach for Recover Wyoming.

My sister, is a person in long-term recovery from addiction to alcohol.

Not that anybody’s keeping track.

You might think this Sabotage List is a little over-the-top, but I’m telling you, I’ve seen it. Hell - I’ve done most of these things myself.

When my sister was in her active addiction to alcohol, I got this brilliant idea: I would videotape her drunk. Surely when she saw the footage of herself (butt in the air after falling into the bushes) she would be so ashamed she would decide to get sober.

I never actually went through with it - but I wanted to. I would have done pretty much anything if I thought it would bring my sister back from the hole she was in.

Years later, I came to understand that the shame she felt was more extreme than anything I could imagine. When she shed her cloak of shame and worked hard in long-term treatment, and with (I believe) divine assistance, she found long-term recovery.

I did a lot of crazy things to try to manage the chaos that was my sister’s addiction. And in the process I learned. I eventually forgave myself for all of my insane thoughts and actions, because I was doing the best I could.

THERE IS ANOTHER WAY

It can all be done differently, I know this now. Each of the items in this Sabotage List can be flipped.

As family members, friends or lovers of someone in or seeking long-term recovery we can:

REFUSE:
We can refuse to look on our loved one as damaged goods. We can visualize and speak often of their promising future in long-term recovery. We can educate ourselves about addiction, participate in the Recovery Movement and share the message that there are over 23 million Americans in long-term recovery. And most challenging of all, we can let ourselves hope.

LET GO:
We can let go of our grip on the reins of our loved one’s life, while taking precautions to ensure the safety of ourselves and other people. We can express confidence that when our loved one takes the right steps to move away from addiction and toward recovery, he will be capable of running his own life. We can allow her to experience the consequences of her actions, because that is a crucial part of her journey toward recovery. We can get on with our own lives, projects and plans - no excuses.

CHANGE:
We can recognize the changes in our loved one and embrace them, dealing with any insecurity on our part about how those changes might affect us.

BE OPEN:
We can stand up and be counted among the millions of people who share our struggle. We can step out of the shadows and share our story. We can seek guidance from our peers: people with lived experience in dealing with a loved one’s addiction. We can offer support to people going through similar challenges. We can let the world know how proud we are of our loved ones and the resilience of our families. We can offer our experiences as an example that shows the promise of recovery.

TURN OUR BACKS ON SHAME:
We can refuse to use shame as a tactic in dealing with a loved one’s addiction. We can replace it with acceptance, hope and love.

If you are new to Faces & Voices of Recovery, welcome. Take advantage of the wisdom and resources offered here.

And from one family member to another, take care of yourself and be patient with your struggles. Most of all, believe in recovery. It’s real.

This blog post was provided by Lynn Carlson, Family Member Recovery Coach, RECOVER Wyoming in Cheyenne, Wyoming, a Charter Member of the Association of Recovery Community Organizations (ARCO).

Privacy Policy

What Information Do We Collect?
When you visit our website you may provide us with two types of information: personal information you knowingly choose to disclose that is collected on an individual basis and website use information collected on an aggregate basis as you and others browse our website.

Personal Information You Choose to Provide
We may request that you voluntarily supply us with personal information, including your email address, postal address, home or work telephone number and other personal information for such purposes as correspondence, placing an order, requesting an estimate, or participating in online surveys.
If you choose to correspond with us through email, we may retain the content of your email messages together with your email address and our responses. We provide the same protections for these electronic communications that we employ in the maintenance of information received by mail and telephone.

Website Use Information
Similar to other websites, our site may utilize a standard technology called "cookies" (see explanation below, "What Are Cookies?") and web server logs to collect information about how our website is used. Information gathered through cookies and server logs may include the date and time of visits, the pages viewed, time spent at our website, and the sites visited just before and just after ours. This information is collected on an aggregate basis. None of this information is associated with you as an individual.

How Do We Use the Information That You Provide to Us?
Broadly speaking, we use personal information for purposes of administering our business activities, providing service and support and making available other products and services to our customers and prospective customers. Occasionally, we may also use the information we collect to notify you about important changes to our website, new services and special offers we think you will find valuable. The lists used to send you product and service offers are developed and managed under our traditional standards designed to safeguard the security and privacy of all personal information provided by our users. You may at any time to notify us of your desire not to receive these offers.

What Are Cookies?
Cookies are a feature of web browser software that allows web servers to recognize the computer used to access a website. Cookies are small pieces of data that are stored by a user's web browser on the user's hard drive. Cookies can remember what information a user accesses on one web page to simplify subsequent interactions with that website by the same user or to use the information to streamline the user's transactions on related web pages. This makes it easier for a user to move from web page to web page and to complete commercial transactions over the Internet. Cookies should make your online experience easier and more personalized.

How Do We Use Information Collected From Cookies?
We use website browser software tools such as cookies and web server logs to gather information about our website users' browsing activities, in order to constantly improve our website and better serve our users. This information assists us to design and arrange our web pages in the most user-friendly manner and to continually improve our website to better meet the needs of our users and prospective users.
Cookies help us collect important business and technical statistics. The information in the cookies lets us trace the paths followed by users to our website as they move from one page to another. Web server logs allow us to count how many people visit our website and evaluate our website's visitor capacity. We do not use these technologies to capture your individual email address or any personally identifying information about you.

Notice of New Services and Changes
Occasionally, we may use the information we collect to notify you about important changes to our website, new services and special offers we think you will find valuable. As a user of our website, you will be given the opportunity to notify us of your desire not to receive these offers by clicking on a response box when you receive such an offer or by sending us an email request.

How Do We Secure Information Transmissions?
When you send confidential personal information to us on our website, a secure server software which we have licensed encrypts all information you input before it is sent to us. The information is scrambled en route and decoded once it reaches our website.
Other email that you may send to us may not be secure unless we advise you that security measures will be in place prior to your transmitting the information. For that reason, we ask that you do not send confidential information such as Social Security, credit card, or account numbers to us through an unsecured email.

How Do We Protect Your Information?
Information Security -- We utilize encryption/security software to safeguard the confidentiality of personal information we collect from unauthorized access or disclosure and accidental loss, alteration or destruction.
Evaluation of Information Protection Practices -- Periodically, our operations and business practices are reviewed for compliance with organization policies and procedures governing the security, confidentiality and quality of our information.
Employee Access, Training and Expectations -- Our organization values, ethical standards, policies and practices are committed to the protection of user information. In general, our business practices limit employee access to confidential information, and limit the use and disclosure of such information to authorized persons, processes and transactions.

How Can You Access and Correct Your Information?
You may request access to all your personally identifiable information that we collect online and maintain in our database by emailing us using the contact form provided to you within the site structure of our website.

Do We Disclose Information to Outside Parties?
We may provide aggregate information about our customers, sales, website traffic patterns and related website information to our affiliates or reputable third parties, but this information will not include personally identifying data, except as otherwise provided in this privacy policy.

What About Legally Compelled Disclosure of Information?
We may disclose information when legally compelled to do so, in other words, when we, in good faith, believe that the law requires it or for the protection of our legal rights.

Permission to Use of Materials
The right to download and store or output the materials in our website is granted for the user's personal use only, and materials may not be reproduced in any edited form. Any other reproduction, transmission, performance, display or editing of these materials by any means mechanical or electronic without our express written permission is strictly prohibited. Users wishing to obtain permission to reprint or reproduce any materials appearing on this site may contact us directly.

Terms & Conditions

Donation Refund Policy

We are grateful for your donation and support of our organization. If you have made an error in making your donation or change your mind about contributing to our organization please contact us. Refunds are returned using the original method of payment. If you made your donation by credit card, your refund will be credited to that same credit card.

Automated Recurring Donation Cancellation

Ongoing support is important to enabling projects to continue their work, so we encourage donors to continue to contribute to projects over time. But if you must cancel your recurring donation, please notify us.