Sony Unveils New Model Customer

Business

NEW YORK—According to sources throughout the commercial aviation sector, the nation’s airlines will begin installing awkwardly placed bumps in every airplane seatback this week because it reportedly brings great pleasure to them.

LOUISVILLE, KY—Calling it an “exciting new menu item dragged from the darkest reaches of the salty abyss,” executives at seafood restaurant chain Long John Silver’s introduced their latest fast-food offering Thursday, the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep.

ATLANTA—Expressing its desire to help those suffering in the hardest-hit regions, the Dixie company this week donated $5 million in clean drinking cups to drought-ravaged Southern Africa, a corporate press release confirmed.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders.

ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday.

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

NEW YORK—While she regularly offers guidance to younger women as they make their way in an industry largely dominated by men, Colleen Miller of tech firm Roltronix told reporters Tuesday she also enjoys knocking one or two down from time to time, just as a treat to herself.

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing regret for any inconvenience the move caused, clothing retailer Gap Inc. said Tuesday that its plan to close 175 locations nationwide would leave Americans with fewer options for buying a pair of pants for a friend’s wedding at the last second.

HARTFORD, CT—Noting that they had never seen such a bold and impressive show of dominance, Burkart Industries employees confirmed Monday that account analyst Ken Perlis just looked like a total badass when he threw a fit and stormed out of the room during a meeting.

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was no trouble to either keep them or do away with them entirely, the world’s automakers assembled Monday to ask the public if it still wanted that little handle above their car windows.

SAN DIEGO—Noting that their store was the only game in town for the poor bastards stopping in, employees at the St. Margaret Hospital gift shop told reporters Tuesday they figured they could easily soak customers for 30 bucks a pop on the “I’m Thinking Of You” teddy bears.

CANTON, MA—Saying they were appreciative of the effort but at no point did they ever see something like this coming, members of the transgender community admitted to reporters Monday they were caught slightly off guard by ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins’ enthusiastic support for them and their cause.

CINCINNATI—Laying out a new marketing strategy to reach customers and promote their brand, skin care giant Olay announced plans Thursday to run just enough nonjudgmental ads to get women to let their guard down before it absolutely nails them with body shame.

GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media.

CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.

TOKYO—Saying it was simply time for drivers to move on, Toyota Motor Corp. issued a recall of its entire 1993 Camry model line Wednesday due to the fact that its owners really should have bought something new by now.

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill.

NEW YORK—Touting it as a cost-effective and more customized option for many subscribers, Sprint this week announced a new wireless calling plan for people in long-distance relationships that offers a decreasing number of minutes each month.

NEW YORK—Saying that women no longer need to settle for plain, drab internal tissue, the cosmetics brand Maybelline introduced a new line of injectable makeup this week to enhance the appearance of wearers’ organs.

PRESCOTT, AZ—Admitting that the fourth-year criminal justice major had caught them completely off-guard, administrators at for-profit college Chapman Technical University were scrambling to design and print a diploma to award a student who was actua...

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

OMAHA, NE—Calling the walkthrough among the cages and aquariums a key part of his morning routine, local PetSmart manager John Brubaker told reporters Thursday that he always does a quick sweep of the store’s enclosures for dead ones before op...

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

CORVALLIS, OR—Fueling humanitarian concerns over the vital resource’s scarcity in many parts of the world, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Oregon State University has found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable ...

MINNEAPOLIS—Contorting his wrinkled mouth unnaturally in order to produce the vocalization, 60-year-old Vanderweigh Media CEO Robert Flynn reportedly employed his ancient organs of speech at a meeting Wednesday to grotesquely form the word “ha...

HARTFORD, CT—In an effort to remain financially solvent by keeping payroll expenditures in check, executives at the Banford Group announced Tuesday they would have to start hiring more female employees.

PHILADELPHIA—Providing further insight into the country’s rapidly shifting attitudes about gender, a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that a growing number of Americans would be comfortable with a female Pep Boy.

DUBLIN, OH—Responding to consumer demands for healthier offerings, Wendy’s announced this week the addition of its new Fit ‘N’ Fast menu, which features food that customers bring in from home to eat at the restaurant.

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, employees typically display their most innovative thinking while brainstorming over-the-top quitting scenarios.

SEATTLE—Stressing the importance of treating all its staff members equally, progressive technology firm Northstar Solutions described to reporters Wednesday its strict policy of paying both male and female workers 78 percent of what they should be e...

NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more ...

SIGOURNEY, IA—Describing their company as a humane alternative to standard industrialized packing plants, owners of a new free-range slaughterhouse told reporters Wednesday that they allow their livestock to stay active by openly roaming around on t...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Shedding light on the striking lack of diversity within the highest ranks of corporate America, a report from the Executive Leadership Council released Tuesday reveals that white individuals are far more likely to be named CEOs than e...

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, a...

MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he’d been expecting the multinational corporation to have to wait a little while longer, David MacLennan, the CEO of U.S.-based agribusiness Cargill, told reporters Friday he was surprised how quickly the money it had jus...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

NEW YORK—Saying the company had skipped a good five or six steps on society’s path to wider acceptance of nontraditional relationships, marketing experts told reporters Wednesday that jewelry retailer Zales had definitely jumped the gun with i...

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

NORWALK, CT—Following the release of an investigative report earlier this week detailing the cramped and unsanitary conditions within its facilities, Pepperidge Factory Farm has come under considerable fire from snack rights groups for its inhumane ...

TOMAH, WI—Noting that several old black-and-white photographs of the local area were hung on the walls and a Viterbo University “V-Hawks” basketball schedule was posted near the entrance, sources confirmed Tuesday that local Burger King ...

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising its standard features and overall dependability, J.D. Power and Associates released a new set of rankings Thursday, naming the Reuben the number-one midsize sandwich in its class.

NEW YORK—Admitting they were unable to attract 18-to-34-year-old consumers’ attention no matter how hard they tried, the nation’s desperate advertisers confided Friday that they are settling for the considerably more attainable 35-to-44-...

PHILADELPHIA—Describing it as an effective strategy for boosting office morale and worker output, a study released this week by researchers at the Wharton School of Business has found that employees are most productive when they are free to set thei...

GREENVILLE, DE—With the man having long since strayed from the familiar path of the toll-free number’s main menu, sources confirmed that local Comcast customer Michael Hadlow had entered the remote backwoods of the cable company’s automa...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

WOONSOCKET, RI—Ninety days after the pharmacy chain’s public announcement that it would cease carrying tobacco products, a visibly on edge and jittery CVS broke its vow and resumed selling cigarettes, sources confirmed Wednesday.

SAN LEANDRO, CA—Acknowledging that he has reached a stage in his life when he doesn’t quite seem to fit in anywhere, marketing experts confirmed Monday that local consumer Keith Eberhardt, 34, is entering that awkward period of transition betw...

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson.
Executives within the ...

CLEMSON, SC—Having carefully analyzed over 30,000 pieces of correspondence over a two-year period, a study released Wednesday by Clemson University confirmed that beginning an email to a well-connected individual with a short, disingenuous inquiry i...

PHOENIX—Catering to a large and valuable segment of customers who have misguided visions of what city living will be like, truck rental company U-Haul announced Wednesday that it is now offering a discount to customers who will just end up moving ba...

BOSTON—Noting that the recent hire was probably content with the firm’s current bland, cookie-cutter workspace, sources at advertising firm KGC Creative confirmed Wednesday that new employee Kyle Lawrence was never able to partake of the decad...

GRESHAM, OR—Underscoring the benefits of working for a laid-back company like SocialFire Marketing, founder and CEO Matt Avalon told reporters Tuesday he had instituted an office-wide policy permitting employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m...

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

DALLAS—In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Official...

In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Claiming that the 56-year-old’s desire for authentic Native American ceramics is insatiable, local Pueblo artisans confirmed Wednesday that they can’t keep pace with area mother Shelly Burke’s ravenous appetite for ...

RICHMOND, VA—In response to mounting evidence showing that he never should have been in there in the first place, administrators at KDM Marketing officially released 34-year-old account manager Alex Olmstead today after nine years of being wrongfull...

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Wreaking untold environmental and economic devastation throughout the region, a strain of harvest-resistant corn engineered by the agrochemical company Monsanto is now engulfing most of the Midwest, officials confirmed Monday.

RACINE, WI—Touting its powerful, partially non-toxic cleaning agents, household products manufacturer SC Johnson released a new carpet cleaner this week specially designed to be safe for pets that were meant to go on living.

MENLO PARK, CA—As part of their efforts to accommodate women who wish to delay parenthood, Facebook officials announced Wednesday that the company will offer financial assistance for female employees to freeze their newborn children.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Sony Unveils New Model Customer

NEW YORK—Sony Corporation chairman and CEO Howard Stringer gave the public a first glimpse of Steve, the latest model in the company’s highly anticipated line of ideal electronics consumers, during the Sony Corporation of America’s annual stockholders meeting Monday.

“Larry was much less mobile, which worked well for electronics enjoyment but less so for purchasing,” said Hideo Ichimonji, head of the design team for the Ideal Consumer Project. “Also, the Larry’s decision-processing became jammed when forced to choose from more than one potential Sony product. By implementing parallel-purchasing solutions and simplifying its personality traits, we’ve ensured that Steve will always be a loyal Sony customer without any annoying system shutdowns or buying freezes.”

Sony expects Steve to usher in a whole new generation of ideal consumers.

“With Steve, we’re introducing a range of cutting-edge consumer attributes that other electronics manufacturers can only dream of,” Stringer said during the half-hour demonstration, in which Steve smoothly and quickly selected high-end Sony home-theater components it researched on a Sony VAIO laptop while interfacing with Sony customers worldwide using a Sony Ericsson mobile phone.

“The integration of Steve’s simultaneous multi-credit-card-processing capabilities with its high earning capability allows our new U.S.-market flagship consumer to purchase our entire North American product line in a single clock cycle.”

Steve sports larger, pre-calloused thumbs and is fully backwards-compatible with Sony’s complete line of merchandise, extending back to the Trinitron television and cassette Walkman. Its debt threshold is also nearly two-thirds higher.

Several thousand Steves will be shipped to Asia and Europe for test-shopping next month. Steve will come in six different colors, with analysts expecting the white and yellow models to be much more successful than the black version.

Designers say Steve’s recharging capability is an improvement over Larry’s bulky and cumbersome charge port, which resembled a La-Z-Boy recliner.

“Steve can recharge on any reasonably comfortable surface, including a couch, desktop, floor, futon—anywhere that’s within range of a Sony product,” said Ichimonji, who also described the automatic sleep mode that activates when Steve has been out of contact with a Sony product for more than 30 minutes. “The Steve also has the power to consume our products on-the-go for up to three days on one charge. It’s also got a friendlier interface and improved social skills, and loves talking about Sony products in any social setting.”

Added Ichimonji: “Or you can just put Steve in front of an HDTV or send it on its way with a Sony PSP, and you’ll forget he even exists.”

Industry experts have praised the redesign, particularly the enormous numbers of visual, aural, and purchasing-suggestion inputs Steve can support. But the most talked-about feature seems to be its built-in anti-obsolescence feature, which enables it to continuously upgrade its preferences for Sony merchandise.

“Steve definitely looks to be an improvement,” said gaming enthusiast Jennie Weathers, 28, who planned to attend a demonstration at a Las Vegas electronics trade show this weekend. “The Larry was clunky, slow, and always making noise. Steve has a lot more free time and the flexibility to adapt to Sony retail stores and shopping sites like SonyStyle. And it seems like he’ll require very little upkeep or attention, but he’ll still be there when I just want to chill out and watch DVDs on my Sony WEGA HDTV or need some quick cheat tips for Kingdom Hearts II.”

Analysts say that Steve’s only real competition comes from Apple Computer’s own ideal consumer, the iBuy. But because the much more expensive iBuy is designed only to purchase and enjoy the pricier, but limited Apple product line, and is not intershoperable with other systems, Steve’s appeal will likely prove much broader.

Steve is scheduled for release in August, and Sony plans to have hundreds of thousands of models perusing store shelves by Christmas.