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Today

Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive.

I know that this post won’t really have any bearing on anyone, but I feel like I just need to write it down to keep a record.

I am in the middle of a deep depression and at the moment it looks like there is no escaping it. Suicide should be the easy way out but it’s more complicated. I don’t want my parents to have to pay off my student debts, because heaven knows they can’t afford it, and I don’t want to leave my niece and nephew without an auntie. Those kids are the only things saving me right now to be honest. My beautiful Talia and little Austyn, my angels. I’m getting their initials tattooed on my ankles on Friday because I need the pain. At least that’s something to look forward to.

I NEED psychiatric help. I am seeing the CPN tomorrow afternoon. I need her to save me. I keep trying to think like she does. But alas, I cut my arms and cry and take too many sleeping pills instead.

It is a beautiful day outside. Sunny and warm, clear blue skies. Today is the 9th. My dissertation is due on the 26th. That scares me. I am going to try and write my conclusion today (my first draft should’ve been finished weeks ago).

I just don’t want to be alive today. Everything is awful. Everything causes me so much pain, I am in a permanent state of anguish. Tears fall from my Bambi eyes and my arms look terrible but I can’t stop crying and cutting because that’s the only thing I can think to do at the moment.

I am waiting for an email that may never come. I emailed Him to beg him not to make the biggest mistake of his life. And so I wait for his response. I feel sick. I hate myself right now, I need to stop sleeping around because its not solving anything, it’s only making things worse.

It’s such a pickle because I know I am stronger than this. I am better than this. My strength is just failing to materialise, it’s not making an appearance today. I’ve got over bad things before, so surely I can do it again. But this all seems very final: the final straw, the one that broke the camel’s back. The final push over the edge, the final mistake, the final disaster in a long line of many.

I need help but don’t know where help is. I need to get out of this room, with its depressing music and easily accessible razorblades. I might see O for a pint of lager in the sunshine. But I need to finish my diss. Oh my god, what has my life become? Please give me some relief. I bleed just to know I’m alive.

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5 thoughts on “Today”

I can so relate to this. I remember one day looking up the different ways I could kill myself on the internet and trying to decide which one would be the most effective. With the help of a good doctor and the right medications I lead a happy, “normal” life and I hope you will be able to get help in some form. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. – Kara

You sound like an amazing wise young women. You seem to know exactly what your issues are, where you don’t need to be, and even stepping stones you need to take in order to move forward. Blessing be with you as I hope to continue to move forward and do not fall backwards.

I know that hell, I hate that hell, and it always gets worse for me at this time of the year, like little pitchforks in my head telling me I suck and I’m an idiot, you know all these things already… and I know that nothing anyone said to me could ever bring me out of it, so I’m not gonna say anything you don’t already know but I will say this, the best thing, no, the ONLY thing that ever gives me hope is to write myself out of it… it doesn’t always work, but it helps me in 2 ways, I can channel my pain through a character which leads to the 2nd thing, it’s the only thing I can control and if I’m lucky, I’ll come up with some decent writing.
hugs and strength <3 xox