I was abused physically and mentally by my father from the age of 3 and a half to 16 and a half when I left home.

The toughest thing to comprehend about him though is the fact that he was an extraordinary minister at the catholic church that we went to.

Every Sunday I was forced to go to church even though I didn't want to. It was not a choice. I was yelled at and screemed at that I WOULD GO!

For a little while I was an altar boy and of course my father was the head of the altar boys and held practice every Saturday. If I did the slightest thing wrong he would crap on me and tell me that I did not deserve to serve God on the altar. A few times he would give me a clip around the earhole on the altar infront of all the other altar boys. And I never managed to go up the ranks as he banned me from being an altar boy after that.

At church he was a reveared man that was respected and thought of as a good father and husband. He was a member of almost every single association that the church had to offer. Catenians, CMS, Parish Council, Extraordinary Minister, etc etc etc.

HOwever when we went home he would continuously crap on me, lash out with a hand or a foot, and constantly degrade me to the point that I tried suicide, ran away from home, ran away from bording school and simply dispized him.

When I would have a "chat" with the parish priest about my father and what he continuously did to me he would then talk to my father about it and he would tell him that I needed disiplining and that I was "naughty". God I hate and detest that word. It has been used towards me so many times that it is a major trigger word now. They always thought afterwards that I was always lying.

He still goes to church and everyone still looks up to him as an achieved godly person. BULLSHIT!

Since I left home I have not gone to church regularly and only go sometimes for things such as Midnight mass, Good Friday or Easter Sunday. I do not feel Catholic any more and do not want anything more to do with the church because of what was shoved down my throught (sp).

I went to a church outreach program for teenagers called YES. After learning how wonderful the hug can be and after hugging all my new friends there I went home and asked him for a hug and he replied "Why? Are you gay or something?"

I was completely devestated, hurt, angry, infact I cannot even describe how I felt.

I am gay now and am in a wonderful relationship with my partner for almost 7 wonderful years. A few years back I told my Mom that I was gay and she said that she had known for quite some time. She then told my father and a few months later when I went to visit my mom (I lived 500 kilometres from my moms house) and he said that she had told him about my partner and I. I was waiting for the blow and it came - "Listen sunshine, you know what the bible tells about that sort of thing. I don't agree with it and never will but if that's what you want to do then that's what you must do. However don't expect to go to holy communion when you go to mass."

Since then I have not gone to church. I went to Rome about a month ago and it was just a sight seeing excursion. I didn't genuflect or bless my self at all while I was there and have no intention of doing so ever again.

I now have to go but I have managed to get some things off my chest that only my partner, my mom, him and I know about and somehow I feel a whole lot better having gotten this stuff out. If anyone has similar experiences please share them with me as I really do feel alone in this very big wide world, especially on a topic such as this.

I hurt, I have nightmares, flash backs (really nasty ones) and body memories. I have still yet to go to a therapist without being forced to go to one and I don't trust them because I was always called a lier. Please share with me.

Wow, what a story, I understand I was abused by a brother in the seminary, and he is still a brother. These rapes could have happened in any denominational church. REMEMBER IT IS NOT GOD THAT IS THE BAD GUY, IT IS MAN THAT DOES WRONG, IF YOU HAVE AND LOVE YOUR FAITH, PLEASE STAY WITH, I WENT THRU A PERIOD OF RESENTMENT TOO, BUT I NOW HAVE A NEW FOUND LOVE FOR THE CHURCH ,AND I NOW UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND GOD, GOD WILL HAVE THE FINAL SAY OF IT ALL.

Doug,I do truely understand what you mean. I am not against God. I am against the church that I went to, the church that I was felt to feel small inside whilst serving my Lord, Father and The One and Only, the church that believed my father.

I cannot ever hate God. Yes, I did feel resentment at a point in my life where I felt why did He allow such things to happen to me but I do know and believe that it was not him but Satan and his tempted.

I will not go to the Church again. I worship God in my own way each day. I live knowing that I have been given life. I live a good and honest life as well in his name and always try and help other people that need or accept my help. That's all I can do but I do know that He is in my life and will always be in my life.

Ingwa & dbr1955, I have just read both of your posts on this web page. THEY ARE VERY, VERY GOOD. Because of all the brain damage I got when the NYC subway train hit me, I just found out this am, of your two posts on this board, wo I'm very sorry AND slow, about reading them. As I said in previous post to silentnomore, I "came out" in 1974 in Louisville, and my mother, r.i.p. always knew, and my brothers, and sister all knew. some do, and some don't, but as I have always said, "we are what we are, and thlis is life". I was away from the Catholic church from 1968 thru 1975, at the Unitarian-Universalist. I even was turned away by a priest in probably the most catholic city in the US in 1976, when I tried to tell him and deal with all the abuse that happened to me back in 1951, and 1949. I do believe that God understands, and I do NOT believe in aof the facts that the church teaches. bye for now, bosishere aka Michael

guys, I want to continue to say a few things.NetZero shuts down each am for amout 2 minutes so I would have lost what I wrote, because I heard the domputer make a noise that "something" was coming, so I had to sign off, and sure enough NetZero did shur down for their am riltual, what ever tht is. I want to say about the church, Boston, is probably the most catholic city in the US, and I did make some misspellings but I think you both can read what I wrote. Ingwa, I DO BELIEVE what you wrote about that God, knows and understands, even thought some priests don't. as I have said to others on Male and Gay survivors posts, thoughts about people being gay are changing in thCatholic church, be it SLOWLY, VERY SLOWLY. I'll finish with this, Ingwa, I admire you, and wish I DID MAKE A FRIEND TO LIVE WITH. but I made my work my life from 1967 thru 1987 and then laid off because the company was "downsised" and then turned to drugs for something to do, b4 moving to NYC in 1988 and then be hit by the subway in 1990. but that is life, and we DO CONTINUE even if some are straight, gay or bi. bye again, and many thanks. bosishere aka Michael

Ingwa & dbr1955, I have a few more things to say about this post, and the one "did abuse make me gay", i think I got that right, which is on gay survivors, so please bear with me. Ingwa, you said what you had to say, and if you feel better, then I do. we have to say things that sometimes people don't like to hear. both priests, and the bishop know that I am gay.I go to the cathedral here in Nashville, because the church pays for a van, that takes elderly and people like me, in a wheelchair, their on Sunday. I do see another priest about 15 miles north of here, at my place about every 8 weeks, and he and I talk about the church and as I said, how slowly it is proceeding to change re the homosexual thoughts. reading these posts, the best phase I have read is re that man is and does bad things, God, understands. One thing I did read and I don't understand was by a person 1, who wrote that he doesn't understand this bH. what is meant by this or was that a missprint, and he meant to type bs? I know my brain is "f" up because of the subway hitting me, but I did know you, Indwa, did write me a response, because I saw it this am, but didn't make a note of it, and on my way to the drug store I did remember seeing that you wrote, so when I came home I did find it. that happens a lot to me now, but i still think I have the brain I had b4 the accident. by the way my wheelchair is electric, because my entire right side is "f" up. I even had to switch to using my left hand when drinking or else I drop the glass or can. anyway, bye for now. bosishere aka Michael

I just read your post. Good to hear that you seem to be at peace. Forgive me if I'm wrong there or sound like I do not know you. To be honest, I have not read all your posts and have not actually been on this forum for months now, but I just wanted to write a quick response. I too know the Catholic Church. Yes, it is very tough to be in the Church sometimes, and I would certainly not force you to go back. I am glad to see from your post that you do not direct your anger at God. The PEOPLE in Christ's church has its many imperfections.

I am not writing to defend the church here, but I did want to say that many people have found much truth and comfort in it (including me). I am not speaking here as a religious expert on the RCC, as I am just learning myself, but I have been studying some things about religions (in addition to the Catholic Church). I find that the Catholic Church does believe strongly in the individual's conscience, despite it's usually "listen to Rome" image. The Cathecism actually says it (excerpts are sometimes taken out of context which may have led people to think of it as simply a church of doctrines). Anyway, I guess I'm writing to say 1) welcome, 2) I have found peace within the church, and 3) listen to your conscience. From your saying you are not angry at God, I assume you do believe in God and hold some of the RCC's belief--including about Christ's divinity. If that is the case, then just pray and ask for guidance. That's what I do. It's a tough life we all lead, but I believe that with His help, we can all make it and make ourselves stronger :o)

Ingwa.... Thanks for sharing your story with us. I grew up in a Protestant church and was sexually abused for several years by the Minister of Music there. Although he was not a parent, he was an authority figure and the lasting affects he had on me were probably very similar. I too avoided the church and God for many years. I had mixed emotions about it. At times I felt angry with God for not stopping my abuser. Other times I felt angry with the people of the church because they didn't, or wouldn't see the real man that they called one of their leaders. Most of the time though, I felt dirty and unworthy of God's love. Not until many years later when I began to work on my internal pain did I realize that I was a good person, had been all along and that many of the things I had done that made me feel so dirty were a direct result of my abuse. It was only then that I felt like I could receive love, true unconditional love from God and the people around me. What a wonderful change that was. I'm still leary about churches (the people) and their motives but have found a local church where I feel comfortable. They actually do background checks for people who want to work with the kids. Not that it will stop all because there are so many people (like your father) who are praised as men of God and continue to abuse. I was glad to read that you have no hostility toward God because I have found that He is really the only one we can trust completely. He will be there with us, no matter what. I will pray for your continued healing. Please pray for mine. If you would like to read my story here's the link: http://spiritualsurvivor.org It's in the Library. Good luck and God bless you.

all three of you guys, this is the best I have read on all of these posts, since I became a member, back in Feb. don't get me wrong, we have all gone thur a lot of hard times, and some of us are just beginning to deal with that abuse. Yes, the rcc is tough sometimes, but having been in a seminary back in the 60s, and then putting my entire life in my work for a distillery, yes distiller, and then being hit by a NYC subway train, AND I'M STILL HERE, I do believe God is answereng my prayers. thanks to all three of you, and you all have my prayers. bos aka Michael

Hi, Ingwa, and thank you for this post. Thanks, too, to all of you have have responded so far. I am glad that we all know the difference between God and the insitutions and human leaders of organized religion. I believe am veyr aware that in all religions there are people who suppoed to be spiritual leaders but who perpetreate abuse behind closed doors. Religious leaderw are only uman and therefore no more or less vulnerable to doing terrible things.

I am also happy for us all that we are still able to find our own spirtual connections, whether through our religion's insititutions or in some other way. Good for us!

It sounds to me, Ingwa, like you are dealing with your past and on the road to healing and recovery! I am very happy for you and wish you a very productive and healing journey!

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