Woody Paige

Paige: Oh, let's hope "Melo-Man" comes to an end

Which will become Broadway's biggest $65 million superhero bust: "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" or "Melo-Man: Turn On the Darko"?

"Shrill, insipid mess" — The Washington Post

"Sheer ineptitude" — The New York Times

"Megalomania" — Los Angeles Times

"Incoherent" — Chicago Tribune

Those criticisms and condemnations were intended for the controversial new musical, but apply to the contentious old Melo-drama.

"Farcical, flopping fiasco" — The Denver Post

That's my review of the unremitting Carmelo Anthony Issue.

Now we have bicoastal bulletins — the usual unsubstantiated and unconfirmed speculation from unknown and unreliable sources — that Knicks owner Jim Dolan, the son of former Knicks owner Charles Dolan, is directly negotiating with Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke on a deal for Anthony, and that Jim Buss, the son of the Lakers owner Jerry Buss, and Josh Kroenke, the son of the Stan, are negotiating a trade involving Anthony and Andrew Bynum.

What's next, Peter Parker, Spider-Man's alter-ego, for Darko Milicic, who was picked second in the 2003 draft just ahead of Anthony?

Isn't it odd that Carmelo rejected $65 million from the Nuggets, and the backers of the play "Spider- Man" injected $65 million? Isn't it strange that the official premier of "Spider-Man" has been postponed as often as trades for Anthony? Won't it be weird if Carmelo is performing at Madison Square Garden — "Miracle on 34th Street"? — while "Spider-Man" is playing at the Foxwoods Theater on 42nd Street?

Spider-Man and Melo-Man should take their high-flying acts off-Broadway . . . to New Jersey.

Confused? So am I. So is Josh Kroenke, who, by all accounts from inside the organization, is "running" the Nuggets, while Jim Dolan and most others outside the franchise believe Stan Kroenke actually is in total control of the Nuggets' decisions. So is executive VP Masai Ujiri, who is saying much of nothing although he thinks he is in command.

So is Anthony, who acts and talks like he isn't in charge of anything about the predicament.

Meanwhile, "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" is being called the worst play in New York history — turn out the lights? — while setting all-time box-office receipts records in previews.

Meanwhile, Melo-Man scores 50 points on Monday night, and the Nuggets lose again at home.

"Camelot" wouldn't be traded for "Cats", and Anthony won't be traded for Bynum.

Melo and LaLa Vasquez in La-La Land? Lakers' loyalists are salivating over the possibility, but the Nuggets would seek a salary dump, Al Harrington, and a No. 1 draft choice, and the Lakers don't want the former and don't have the latter. They prefer to dump Ron Artest. Could Kobe and Melo play together? How did Melo and Allen Iverson work out? There was a time when the Nuggets should have acquired Artest. Years ago.

Everything else aside, Bynum's contract expires at the end of next season. There's no way the Nuggets wade through another quagmire that soon.

K2U — the Kroenkes and Ujiri — likely are trying to turn up the heat (Heat!) on the Knicks, and the Nets, with the Nuggets in a tunnel and the trade deadline approaching like an oncoming locomotive at 1 p.m. Denver time Feb. 24.

The Nuggets play the Celtics at The Can that night (8:30) — with or without Carmelo. Before then, the Nuggets have only two home games (including the Mavericks on Thursday night and the Grizzlies on Feb. 22) and four games on the road.

Here's what will happen: The Nuggets and the Knicks do a deal, or the Nuggets will keep Anthony and hope for the best for the rest of the season.

Dolan, Jimmy the Geek in New York City, will attempt to become the leading man and rescue his reputation by accomplishing what the Russian Rasputin, Mikhail Prokhorov, couldn't — getting Anthony. Dolan already has hired former Nuggets' vice president Mark Warkentien to help with the details of the trade. (Warkentien pulled off the Iverson-Chauncey Billups swap.)

The Nuggets would give up Anthony and receive Wilson Chandler from the Knicks, Corey Brewer and a first-round choice from the Timberwolves, and demand one more first-round pick.

If they can't consummate that trade, the Nuggets will keep Carmelo, do a sign-and-trade in the offseason for a first- and a second-round pick, allow Kenyon Martin and J.R. Smith to go in free agency and let the major renovation begin.

Which will happen first — the closing of "Melo-Man" in Denver or the not-so-grand opening of "Spider-Man" in New York?

Sir Walter Scott's answer would be: "Oh, what a tangled web they weave, when the Nuggets decide to deceive."

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