“WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Donald J. Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order stripping the children of immigrant mothers of their citizenship, thus disqualifying him from being President of the United States.”

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report Report) —- King Russia, Vladamir Putin, is “mad” at the Saudi royal family for making the potty puppet do the pee pee dance without asking him first, an aide to Putin confirmed on Wednesday.