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Cycling with no hands

November 22, 2009

I can ride a bicycle with no hands, I learnt how to do it when I was a child and when I was a child I thought it was really cool and everyone would be very impressed. Fast forward to nowadays and I am technically an adult, I have grown up and I now know that riding your bike with no hands makes you look like a smug cunt. It’s fine if you’re a kid, It’s like being able to do a really long wheely or a wicked endo but why is it that every time I walk through London fields I see a skinny jeans, fashionable stubble, race bike riding bastard with a face so pleased with himself you would think he had just been sucked off by the Olson twins, riding along with his hands in his pockets, eating a croissant or texting his girlfriend (who is really sexy and works in media… Probably). What do these people expect? Are we meant to be impressed by this, because I am not. In fact when I see one of these pillocks riding past, hands in pockets I find myself looking around dogs or toddlers or anything else that is likely to collide with the bikes unalterable path. The cyclist having given up on handle bars, the means for steering the bike in favor of looking like a bit of an anus would wedge his wheel over the back of the charging jack russell that had seconds before been blindly chasing a tennis ball thrown by an old lady with one of those things that looks like a shoe horn and stops you having to bend down to pick up a ball. The cyclist would fly over the handle bars, Unable to protect himself with his hands stuck in his pockets he would grind his face on the ground. No body bothers to help, They’d care about the jack russell far me than him, A little kid would start to cry and call him a dog killer and he would have to live the rest of his life alone and ugly with the guilt of being a dog killer presenting itself to him in the way it does in that advert for driving to fast where the guy see’s the dead child everywhere he goes. His girlfriend would also leave him.