Monthly Archives: May 2013

So I’m super pissed that I wasn’t able to see Star Trek Into Darkness in IMAX 3D because some wankers at the AMC Loews Lincoln Square 13 Theater are fucking idiots about the presale for tickets, and for some fucking reason were only allowing pre-purchase for opening night a week before but not the following days. Or so I was told. But like Obi Wan says, “Who’s more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows it?” And that’s why he was Jedi Master and I’m just a Trekkie.

First thing’s last, after they wheel in the parade of planet title cards accompanied by the original tv series theme song, the filmmakers soberly want to remind us that “This film is dedicated to our post-9/11 veterans” – which is like…the ultimate buzzkill. Now don’t me wrong, I support our troops (and what U.S. citizen in their right mind wouldn’t say that considering Obama’s NDAA law?), but are we to assume that the covert militarization of Starfleet in Star Trek Into Darkness is an overt analogy to our current military-industrial complex that permeates the underbelly from within the darkest corridors of the Pentagon, all the way down to the attendant in the White House bathroom? I guess that small dose of gooey substance capable of forming a black hole when ignited known as “Red Matter” in Star Trek isn’t as chilling as the 72 WMDs with cryogenically frozen comrades in photon-torpedo capsules. I mean, I of course immediately drew comparison with all the other liberals, lefty’s, and conspiracy theorists to those $12 million pricetag for a single drone which the U.S. currently uses in preemptive strikes against terrorist countries. Only the big difference in Trek, is that the drones aren’t unmanned and instead contain super humans that when defrosted kick fucking ass and make Major T.J. Kong look like a fucking light weight! As for the Red Matter, that’s another matter. That being said, director J.J. Abrams and writers solidify why they are the the nerd kings of soap opera tv shows.

And with that, every character cried, even Khan. I sure hope Spock breaks up with Uhura in the next one so that I won’t have to cry anymore over their touching devotion to each other. Thank God for Benedict Cumberbatch’s nefarious portrayal of Khan and Simon Pegg’s comedic timing – from being startled by fish, to running like fatboy to save his mates. But the biggest laugh for me was when Spock screams, “KHAN!” Which is also a slap in the face to Shatner who’s again left out of the party. Why can’t anyone just come clean and tell him that he looks nothing like Chris Pine? Alternate universe or not that just won’t fly.

Speaking of alternate universes, as much as I loved J.J.’s take on Star Trek I can’t help but have ominous feelings towards his undertaking of reviving the Star Wars franchise because that’s in another galaxy far, far, away…

“That is what you are. That’s what you all are…all of you young people who served in the war. You are a lost generation” – Gertrude Stein

I’ve seen nerds dressed up like Hobbits, Harry Potter and Star Wars characters, and of course those Rocky Horror’s – but never, to my surprise, have I come across flappers and tailcoats like I did at last night’s opening of The Great Gatsby. But here in New York City I guess it’s to be expected, because New Yorkers will use any ridiculous excuse to dress up like it’s homecoming spirit week; like SantaCon, No Pants Day, and that day once a year where people walk around with grease smudged on their fucking foreheads. Now there’s a lost generation.

Anyway, there are timeless novels and there are timeless movies. And then there are timeless novels rebooted into seemingly timely movies – and director Baz Luhrmann is just the name to pizazz us. Punching us with a 3D CGI presentation of that roaring 20’s bygone era with of all people, Jay-Z and a posse to hip hopify it – because my generation is so lame and unhip to Louis’ Potato Head Blues or Duke’s East St. Louis Toodle-O. Though I do get it with our modern excesses and appreciate Baz’s revisionist fairytale approach, he could at least tone it down a bit and not be so fucking splashy with colors and confetti and corny snow falling letters.

Many consider the novel to be an example of some of the finest economy of words that are not only poetic and subtle, but are also steeped in metaphors and symbolism – one can only marvel on Fitz’s prescient notions at such a formidable age of 25 and his capturing of an entire era and the quintessential American dream. Whereas Aussie Baz has the protagonist Tobey Maguire (Nick Carraway) butchering F. Scott’s cadence with his narration, sounding like a fucking dimwit reading an eye chart.

Other than the revisionist attempt, the real redemption of The Great Gatsby is the Great DiCaprio. I mean who else of this generation could play him? Maybe Ben Affleck, but then it would really be fucking retarded. Carey Mulligan seems to be desperately trying to make the Daisy Buchanan character deeper than she is, but that is hard to do when you look like this:

The recently departedRay Harryhausenbasically said CGI is just another tool, and the audience doesn’t give a damn what technique is used. But I suspect he was talking about creatures and monsters, not Gatsby’s gold coast mansion. Also there’s Ebert. It finally hit me last night that he’s departed as well, because when doing these silly blogs I actually do read almost every review on Meta and Rotten – Roger’s always first. Even though he was a bit of a tool sometimes (he did give Avatar his highest rating of four stars) my go to guy now is Rex Reed, who’s got a tool stuck up his arse. Anyway, I suppose Baz is trying to make some kind of correlation of the 1920’s decadence to now – But I’m curious as to what Lena Dunham thinks of the movie, because besides the fact she couldn’t even finish readingthe novel, she has been deemed the voice of this new lost generation living in New York City.

“What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.” – Ecclesiates