It's a cold, rainy New England day, and there is so much I should be doing. I should be studying, or doing laundry, cleaning my room, studying some more. But no. I'm sitting here knitting and binge-watching Halloween Wars.

Being back in school full time as well as working a full time job isn't a barrel of laughs. I'm constantly exhausted, and behind, and feel like I'm holding it all together by pure luck. The fact that I have to take accounting is a cruel joke, and I'm come to a place of accepting and forgiving myself if I fail the class, which seems inevitable. I've got a good grade right now, but that's because I've done the homework and got lucky on the first test. But I don't actually understand many of the concepts and don't have the formulas memorized, so there's only so long I can wing it. My other classes I think I'd be doing fine if I just had more time. I never get enough sleep, so I feel like my brain is in slow motion all the time.

I don't dislike my job at all. if it paid enough to live off of, I don't think I'd even be in school. I could write at night while I was at work, and I'd be as content as I'm capable of being. But I need the student loans to subsidize the end-of-life guide classes that I want to take, which don't offer aid or scholarships. It's a delicate balance of insanity and stupidity, really.

Want to feel old as dirt? Go back to college at 44 years old. Not only do I feel ancient compared to all the kids in their 21 Pilots shirts and Pink brand attire, my memory is completely shot. I am taking account, and anything to do with numbers is already not my forte. I've been sitting up all night watching youtube videos trying to memorize accounting formulas. Add a full time job to the mix, and I expect to crash and burn around Halloween.

But while I'm complaining, I'm also grateful for the chance to go back to school, and to perhaps have a meaningful career at some point. I have to do something that feels meaningful, otherwise why am I here? Not to punch in at Holiday Inn 40 hours a week for the next 30 or so years until I kick the can. Hopefully in two years I will have my funeral associate degree, and go on to work within the death-positive community to empower people to plan the death and memorial that they want, not the one the hospital and funeral industries sell them.