Friday, January 18, 2013Dave takes a look back at George W. Bush's "memorable" inaugural speech.

Show #3794Kevin Bacon, Brian Kiley, and The Amazing.PLUS: Jaymar Slacks; the Detroit Auto Show; Great Moments in Inaugural Addresses; the Weekend Late Show; a noisy Top Ten list; and Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary.

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
-"Obama's 2nd Inauguration is Monday. He will be sworn in on Lincoln's bible. Vice President Biden will be sworn in on a family bible. Bill Clinton was sworn in on a motel bible."

Interrupt. During the monologue, an advertisement appeared: "And now this message from Jaymar Slacks." Hey, we have bills to pay, too.

Are you familiar with holograms? Through the magic of media, we can re-produce on our stage any performer in recorded history. Any performer who appeared on this stage we can have again by the use of holograms. Dave asks who he would like to see re-created. Paul quickly riffs through his mental rolodex and comes up with "Tessie O'Shea." OK. Of all the greats in the world, Paul comes up with Tessie O'Shea.
Well, at the Detroit Auto Show yesterday, a holograph of Thomas Edison was used to give advice about the potential for electric vehicles. It sounded like a good idea, but did you see what happened? We take a look.
We see a holograph of Thomas Edison at the Auto Show in Detroit. He is angry. He is violent. He is breathing fire and crushing cars and eating them. Oh, the humanity!

During the monologue, not all jokes were plugged in. Some weren't quite reaching the audience. Or maybe they just weren't that good. Explains Dave, "Some of these are built in to give you a chance to catch your breath."

With President Obama's inauguration just a few days away, we thought it would be a good idea to reflect on recent memorable inaugural addresses. We watch.
ART CARD: "GREAT MOMENTS IN INAUGURAL ADDRESSES
Ronald Reagan: "No weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
Bill Clinton: "Let us resolve to reform our politics so that power and privilege no longer shout down the voice of the people."
George W. Bush: "Are you having burritos for lunch?"
ART CARD: "GREAT MOMENTS IN INAUGURAL ADDRESSES

ACT 2:
Coming back from commercial, we see a photo of Tessie O'Shea. She was a Welsh entertainer and actor (1913-1995)

This would be a good time to take a look at what's in store this weekend at the Weekend Late Show.
We come upon Bruce and Linda at the familiar desk of the Late Show. It is adorned with festive flowers and light-hearted décor of a weekend morning program.
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave. Monday is the Presidential Inauguration, and to get you in a patriotic frame of mind, our own Wink Wilson will take us on a tour of the Presidential Hat Museum. They have at least one hat worn by each of our presidents."
BRUCE: (salutes) "Hail to the chief! There's even more excitement next week, Linda. Wednesday is National Pie Day, and we'll have an early celebration tomorrow in the Cookery Nook. Some talented ladies from Friendship Village Retirement Center will bring in their signature pies, and you and I will choose our favorite."
LINDA: "Eating pie on the job . . . are we working hard or hardly working. We're also kicking off our ‘Bird Is The Word' segment, and introducing new Weekend Late Show ornithologist, Bob Blatts."
BRUCE: "All that, plus outsmarting your game warden, lip balm for men, and ‘When should you let the other guy be the Good Samaritan?' . . . tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."

Back to Dave.
DAVE: "Bruce and Linda, ladies and gentlemen. God, they're awful. Bruce has done time. You can tell by just looking at him."

And yet they remain under the Late Show moniker. That's TV, people. Bring in the numbers and you can do just about anything without repercussion.

TOP TEN: NEW YORK CITY NOISES – a recent survey "Travel & Leisure" ranked New York City as the noisiest city in the world.
We take a listen to some New York City noises. Dave reads the noise we're about to hear, and then we hear it.
10. Rat stampede (stampeding buffalo)
9. Meat delivery at the Hello Deli (a donkey hee-hawing)
8. Scofflaws drinking illegal 32-ounce sodas (straw slurping a near-empty glass)
7. Taxi from the airport (screeching tires, followed by a crash)
6. Lindsay Lohan at the end of a night out (police sirens)
5. Street vendor changing the hot dog water (no sound --- sorry, that's a mistake. They never change the water)
4. Saying goodbye to a mob snitch (splash)
3. Me, Dave, leaving work every night (booing, accompanied by "There he is, get him!")
2. Joan Rivers visiting her plastic surgeon (jackhammer)
1. Alex Rodriguez in the playoffs (umpire: "Strike three!")

ACT 3:
KEVIN BACON
Dave reads the intro for Kevin Bacon and his new show, "The Following" on FOX. Dave has Tony run to his corner and change FOX to CBS. Dave wants all the good shows to come out of CBS. Kevin and wife Kyra Sedgwick are the parents of two. The oldest is making a living as a musician, the younger, their 20-year-old daughter has moved back home. The empty nest was only temporary. And she didn't come back alone. No, their daughter Sosie now has a big dog she calls her own. The dog, Rocky, has become very protective of Sosie, which is good but Rocky won't even let Kevin to roam freely. Kevin and Rocky had a "discussion" about the rules of the house and Kevin has agreed to follow them. Rocky is a rescue dog so the family decided to learn of its history through a DNA test. It's what you do when you have too much money. Rocky turns out to be 100% Staffordshire Terrier. That made the family quite proud. Uh huh. I think I get the game. "Bacon, huh? Sounds English. Hey, your dog is 100% Staffordshire Terrier."
Kyra recently finished a hugely successful run on The Closer. This enabled Kevin and Kyra to spend all their time on the east coast, just as they dreamed. But oddly enough, the day "The Closer" finished shooting, Kyra realized she didn't want to leave Los Angeles entirely. They bought a small place which they use as their getaway place for quiet and relaxation, and the empty nest they planned on. The new home has made Kyra a bit of a neat freak, something she's never been before. Kevin received a text the other day with the urgent message, "Bring home some Soft Scrub ASAP!" Kevin admits he was surprised she knew what Soft Scrub was. He brought it home and she immediately went to work on some black scuff marks on the floor. Minutes later Kevin sees her on her hands and knees rubbing out the marks. She wasn't fooling around. She was serious business on the scuffs. She looks up at Kevin without stopping and says with great satisfaction, "This ‘djoy' is amazing!"
Catch Kevin in his new series, "The Following," premiering on the FOX January 21st at 9:00 PM.

ACT 4:
It's playoff time in the NFL. Do you have the football fever? I don't. But what better time than now for another installment of "COACH'S CORNER WITH MIKE SINGLETARY"
We come to a split screen of Dave and former 49ers head coach Mike Singletary. Singletary now works with the Minnesota Vikings.
DAVE: "Coach, thanks for joining us."
SINGLETARY: "Happy New Year, Jim. And my best to Denise and the girls." (Hey! I know them!)
DAVE: "Now, coach, your Vikings are out of the playoffs. You lose to the Packers in the first round. What happened?"
SINGLETARY: "I'll tell you what happened. Jim, it's on me. I thought we were playing the Seahawks. Wrong film. Wrong team. It's on me."
DAVE: "Four teams remain. In the NFC, the Falcons face the 49ers. In the AFC, it's the Patriots and Ravens. Who wins?"
SINGLETARY: "That's right, Jim. Who does win, you skinny little stooge."
DAVE: "How about your old team, the 49ers?"
SINGLETARY: "They don't talk to me. I don't talk to them. Bang, zoom!!"
DAVE: "Before we let you go, there are some coaching positions open. Have you had any talks with them?"
SINGLETARY: "Let me put it this way . . . . . no. But then again, I lost my phone at a Golden Corral in St. Louis."
DAVE: "I'm sorry."
SINGLETARY: "Hey, do you know Joe Flacco? Because he knows you. He's looking for you."
DAVE: "coach, where will you be watching the Super Bowl?"
SINGLETARY: "I'm not sure. Do I have to?"
DAVE: "No, I guess not."
SINGLETARY: "Phew. Until then, you can find me at the Golden Corral. Hey, can I give a shout out to my imaginary girlfriend, Connie? Baby, I love you so much . . . kissy kissy kissy. Kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy . . . .
DAVE: "I think we're having some audio issues . . . . ."
SINGLETARY: "Don't forget to vote!"
DAVE: "And that's ‘Coach's Corner' with Vikings Special Assistant to the Head Coach, Mike Singletary."

Say what you want but Singletary got the 49ers back on the right track. Unfortunately, he wasn't around to get the credit. Sort of what happens to Buck Showalter all the time.

ACT 6:
BRIAN KILEY
He's a regular at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. Great set tonight. One winner after the next. Lots of laugh-out-louds.

ACT 7:
THE AMAZING
From Sweden and making their network television debut, from their album "Gentle Stream," The Amazing performed "Gone."

And that was our show for Friday January, 18, 2013.

Who is Tessie O'Shea? Why did Paul come up with that name? Dang it, I use "Tessie O'Shea" too when trying to come up with a comical reference. How do I know her? I imagine the same reason Paul knows her. She appeared on this very stage the night the Beatles made their debut on the Ed Sullivan Show, February 9, 1964. This is what I wrote about that show on its 40th Anniversary, February 9, 2004:

-73 million people tuned in that night, representing 40% of the entire U.S. population. It was the most watched program in the history of television at that time. Also performing that night: Tessie O'Shea singing a medley of show tunes.
-I gave a quick look in the google and am left wondering if Tessie O'Shea is the Two Ton Tessie I've heard so much about growing up. Is she one and the same? Any Tessie fans out there?
-Never mind. I looked further and found that Tessie O'Shea is indeed Two-Ton Tessie. How about that? Now you know almost the rest of the story.

As bad as this flu is, it's not as bad as the Hong Kong flu. Now there was a flu!

I can only hope the New York Jets pick Manti Te'o in the draft.

This is what I came away with while doing the crossword puzzle and eating dinner during the Oprah/Armstrong interview.
O: "At the time, it did not feel wrong?"
A: "No . . . . . . Scary."
O: "Did you feel bad about it?"
A: "No . . . . . . . Even scarier."
O: "Did you feel in any way that you were cheating?"
A: "No . . . . . . Scariest."
Today's Lance can't believe what that Lance was thinking back then. Today's Lance is different from that Lance. Today's Lance is better than that Lance.
No, he' not better now.. He's the same guy.
But that's what he wants you to think.

Note to Jets: You can't pick an offensive coordinator in the draft. That's not how it works.

Football picks: 49ers and Ravens. I'm rooting for the Ravens just so I have somebody to really root against in the Super Bowl. I haven't seen too much of 49er QB Colin Kaepernick other than to say his legs are too skinny to last in the NFL. If he were a racehorse it'd be great, but too skinny for the NFL.