Posts Tagged ‘jonas’

I shouldn’t be nice anymore. Quoth he, “You’ve lost the magic touch.” So no more of that! What kind of person would I be if I didn’t pander to my maths-obsessed readers from New Zealand? Tell ya what, here’s a sucks grab bag!

</SARCASM>

Disclaimer: I’ve only owned a Gamecube, Gameboy Color, GBA, XBox 360, Mac, and PC, so this list is kinda limited by excluding the Wii. I have played these all.

Sonic Adventure 2: Battle (GCN)

Sonic Heroes (GCN)

Wario Land 3 (GBC)

Gears of War (360)

Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX 2 (GBA)

Mall Tycoon 2 (PC)

Most of these games, I’m viewing retrospectively. The Sonic games are the ones that actually made me revise my standards. I remember playing through them and actually thinking, “Wow. These games suck. The level design is atrocious, the characters are more annoying than having Nick Jonas duct taped to your back, the soundtrack is lame, the controls are unresponsive, and the story can move to Siberia and die a cold, lonely death for all I care.” After that, I stopped buying crappy games.

Lot’s of movies have cliché in them. Let’s face it, almost all movies contain a bit of it in some way or another. Most of them just make me cringe like the action movie staple, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Incidentally, the dude to whom I’m presenting an ode is the one who utters this phrase in the otherwise original and kick-ass Dark Knight. What’s great about Passenger Guy is that instead of conversing normally with trite phrases thrown here and there, he talks like an NPC in Call of Duty before the series got awesome.

In case you haven’t seen The Dark Knight, what’s your problem? Go see it now. If you’re stubborn, I’ll warn you anyway that there are some minor spoilers ahead and throughout this little ode. Anyway, Passenger Guy, or as he is identified on IMDb, “Convoy Leader.” This is an ironic title, since the entirety of his existence in this film is sitting on his lazy bum chatting it up with Lt. Gordon, who appears to be channeling my good buddy Gordon Freeman in that, for this section, he never talks.

This is one reason why Passenger Guy reminds me so much of a video game NPC. He constantly talks at Gordon without taking the slightest offense that he is being completely ignored. Nevertheless, he keeps running his hilarious little mouth, asking stupid questions and telling Gordon things that even a Jonas Brothers fan could figure out. “That’s not good,” he says as a helicopter crashes and explodes in front of them.

Some of his other genius quotations for your sampling…

“Lower fifth? We’ll be like turkeys on Thanksgiving down there!”

“What the hell was that?”

“What is that, a bazooka?”

“We gotta get topside, we need air support now!”

“That’s what I’m talking about!”

“You can’t stop here, we’re like sitting ducks!”

Sitting ducks. Yes, sitting ducks. Compare these with your standard friendly AI quips in video games like Halo, Medal of Honor, and other games where the voice actors sound like they were just handed their script and all it said was “Generic cop/military dialog.” Nevertheless, PG is probably my seventh or eighth favorite character in the film. Compared to Little Son of Gordon, who also embodies cliché, PG reminds me of hilarious video game NPC’s rather than poorly written straight-to-video movies about dolphins and ponies and divorce. It’s hilariously to imagine PG’s sequence as a video game and the rest of the film as bookending cinematics.

So that’s Passenger Guy, a shining example of a useless idiot with a mouthful who you can’t help but love anyway.

Okay, so I’ve got Max Brooks’ excellent Zombie Survival Guide and I’ve been forming my own plan for post-zombie-apocalyptic survival. Basing my strategy off of his ideas and my own research, I’ve come up with what I believe is the optimal course of action for withstanding, and, perhaps, defeating the undead.

Supplies:

A Dirigible

The best method of travel in a zombie outbreak. As Brooks says, “they combine the longevity of a ballon with the mobility and all-terrain landing ability of a helicopter” (119). My enormous airship will be filled to the brim with my other supplies. EDIT: I would name it Roxanne.

A Crew

This includes a pilot, a navigator, a medic, a chef, and a fellow combat specialist. Of course, all will be well trained in zombie fighting techniques and will be valuable assets in an attack. A mix of male and female will ensure insurance against the annihilation of the human race. Good genes are a must.

At least 6 months worth of food and water

Water will be stored in tanks and bottles, and there will be a purifier on board, in addition to a rain collecting device. Due to its combined durability, taste, ease of preparation, and low cost, there will be a large supply of ramen noodles on board, in various flavors. It, however, will not be our primary source of nourishment, while it will be a staple; we will have a hydroponic garden aboard, as well as other easily concoctable niceties.

Weapons

While we plan to stay in the air for the majority of the outbreak, we may require to land due to various needs such as supplies, rescue, or attack. Therefore, an effective arsenal is necessary. Each member of my six-person crew (including myself) will have a semiautomatic rifle, a handgun, a shotgun, and a melee weapon. Furthermore, we will have 3 sniper rifles on board for fly-by shootings. The specification of each warrior’s tool will vary, though good choices for hand-to-hand combat include crowbars, katanas, and machetes.

Ammo

What good is a gun without bullets? We’ll need enough for our long journey, which, in the worst case, could last a year or more.

First aid supplies, etc.

Gasoline

While a blimp can stay airborne without consuming gas and is very fuel efficient when in motion, this is a must. If we are to have control of our destination, we’ll need a way to power the fans. But because it is a finite resource, I have an alternative. A Gilligan’s Island style bamboo bicycle for generating electricity. And, yes, it does have to be bamboo.

Music

And lots of it. Studies will show that music reduces the stress of the end of the world by at least %60! (Sure, the studies don’t exist yet, but I’m confident that my numbers will agree with these future findings). Headphones will be useful, but not necessary. The usual threat of the Jonas Brothers will be eliminated by my unusually tough screening process. The storage media for the aural pacifier will include CD, vinyl, and Digital Audio that will be stored on . . .

Olan

My Macbook Pro. From tracking our location to calculations to World of Goo, my laptop will prove invaluable in the air. As stated earlier, electricity comes from a rechargeable battery connected to our bamboo bicycle.

Duct Tape

Perhaps the most important item on the ship, duct tape can solve practically any problem. Not only will it be able to patch holes in the pipes and balloon, this magical invention can affix makeshift bayonets to our guns and work, in a pinch, as a bandage. Several rolls will be necessary.

Now that I have my list of supplies laid out, I only need a plan of survival. Luckily, it is rather simple, yet mildly expensive. But during the apocalypse, price is no object.

Procure a dirigible. Large cabin, up to date technology. The sooner the better.

Recruit my crew. Train together to the peak of physical prowess. Become like family.

Purchase the remaining supplies, getting “Great Value” when possible.

Pack up and move out, setting up a comfortable living quarters in the cabin.

Head northeast. We must, by any means necessary, stay away from California! The people in Maine will make much less terrifying ghouls than those residing on the west coast. The worst possible of all cases is a run-in with Hollywood zombies!

If things seem bad, but controllable, stay uninvolved. Avoid contact with other uninfected as pirates will be apt to commandeer our flying fortress.

If the situation turns desperate, go on the attack for the fate of humanity. Our training and resources may turn out to be our planet’s last hope for survival.

Once (or if) the zombie revolution has been quashed, fly to New Zealand. I’ve heard it’s quite nice there.

So that’s my plan. Feel free to use my ideas in your own flight, just be sure not to have our airships collide! When I get back to my tablet, I’ll post an accompanying illustration gallery.

The only remaining step is to name my dirigible. I’m accepting requests. You can also volunteer for my crew if you think you have what it takes and do not listen to the Jonas Brothers.