The Ten Least Likely Candidates To Become The Next Publisher At DC
Anyone can name the 10 most likely candidates to become publisher at DC Comics. You just look at every new media, movie and publishing executive with some sort of relationship to comics or movies made from comics that you possibly can, avoid listing anyone too comic-booky, and every time anybody else brings someone up not on your public list you nod your head sagely and intone that your private sources have told you the same thing.

I'll freely admit I have no idea who'd going to be the next publisher; I don't know any of those people and whenever I ask the people who might know the publisher-to-be-named because they do know these people they throw out some name that's apparently so horrifying I shriek, hang up the phone and ram my head into a wall until I forget what they said.

I believe I have some sort of grasp on who won't be the publisher, though. The following list of people I contend have no chance to hold this office, or really, much of anything similar.

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10. Grant Morrison
I'd favor this one happening just for the yearly 65,000-word interview with ICv2.com and because it would allow me to imagine day to day operations at DC would be like that show Bob, only starring Peter Wyngarde instead of Bob Newhart. Unfortunately, I think Morrison has the job he wants and is best suited for. Plus I think he may be unstuck in time.

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9. Jim Shooter
I feel in my gut that Jim Shooter has one more go-round in him. He's not even 60 yet! It's just that to be an effective move to make him DC Comics publisher, it would have to be announced somewhere where a group of people could gasp. And there could be thunder. And the lights could flicker. Convention season is too far away.

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8. Any Retailer
It's not that I think there aren't retailers out there that could handle a massive corporate position stuffed with responsibilities, it's just that I'm pretty certain we can't spare any retailers right now.

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7. Gary Groth and Kim Thompson
Not only are Groth and Thompson already on the west coast, they have the displayed ability to find a giant house with a swimming pool somewhere in North Hollywood to be DC's new headquarters. DC lawyers would scotch this one to avoid a potential 45-second conclusion to the Siegel Family case.

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6. Nabile Hage
Nabile Hage briefly ran a comics company in the heady days of the late '80s and early '90s, on whose behalf he would appear in the most terrifying, intimidating clothing and, I swear to God, occasionally climb buildings. This hire would never happen because it would be too awesome.

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5. The Winner Of An Elaborate Willie Wonka-style Contest
This is the way I'd go, although 1) you'd need about double the kids to have a chance at one surviving the office visit, and 2) the majority of those "kids" would be sad, 40-year-old men.

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4. Conan O'Brien
He needs a job, and it would be a great boon for MAD, in whose office he could probably be found hiding on an almost daily basis. Andy Richter is a comics fan and former Comics Journal subscriber who could make a fine right-hand man. Unfortunately, in comics, working hard and being nice to people doesn't get you everything you hope for; it gets you a one-line credit in a movie that bought someone else's house.

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3. Stan Lee
Moving to the West Coast wouldn't be a problem for Stan -- he got a 30-year head start on that. With Stan it's more like it's not quite certain he wasn't named DC publisher already, in some press release among the 18 billion press releases every year announcing new Stan Lee projects.

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2. The Childcatcher Of The Great Nation Of Vulgaria
Need a program designed to get kids reading comics? This guy can make kids do just about anything. He also potentially opens up markets in the rich soil that is fictional, English-speaking European nation-states. Massive shortcomings in social media skills and the limits of smell as an editorial decision-making tool doom his candidacy.

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1. "Chuck"
In a better world than this one, DC Entertainment President Diane Nelson would strive to display her ability to do both her job and the publishing job by hiring an appealing actor with no knowledge of the comics industry and install him as a quirkily handsome figurehead -- if not Zachary Levi, then Matthew Bomer or maybe that nice fella from Ed. Once a week, some combination of Dan DiDio, Rich Johnston and John Hodgman would try to expose the figurehead for what he is, always to be outfoxed by Nelson and the actor, who in turn develop a simmering sexual tension that erupts in season three in a special Angouleme episode.

Unfortunately, this is not that world. Expect someone boring and qualified to be named soon. Whoever it is, I won't have heard about it from my sources.

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All art used without permission and with much love for each individual; I'm certainly happy to take anything down if that's a problem. As always, any jibe you feel was aimed at you was probably aimed at someone else entirely.