Anorak

Surf’s Up

by | 26th, April 2004

‘HAVE you ever wondered what those promised virgins who wait in heaven for suicide bombers look like?

Iron your stomach to flatness

We would like to remind anyone reading this with a bomb tied around their middle that Ann Widdecombe is a virgin, and the thought of 70-odd women like her falling upon your priapic soul should make you reconsider.

But different strokes turn on different folks. Before detonation, the image of a naked and beckoning Widdecombe might be what keeps the suicide bomber from stopping in their tracks.

But earth has its own pleasures. And we commend your attention to Michelle McManus, winner of TVs Pop Idol talent show.

The paper then employs its entire annual humour budget in one mighty gag.

Alongside its shot of McManus in her swimsuit frolicking in the surf, it writes PS: LUNCH HAS ARRIVED above a picture of the worlds biggest sandwich, 6,991lbs of bread and butter being wheeled through Mexico City on its way to Michelles Caribbean retreat.

But the singer wont eat it, because shes been on a diet and has, according to the Sun, lost four stone.

And she could yet shed more pounds if she does as the Governments Chief Medical Officer, Liam Donaldson, advises and thinks of exercise in three parts: light, moderate and vigorous.

Ironing and washing up are now seen not as chores but as a light work-out. Vacuuming the carpet is a slightly more taxing keep-fit regime.

But if you really want to burn off those calories, you should play squash – or take Ann Widdecombe and 69 other virgins out on a date…’