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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hagebakke Forever

My cousin Ryan sent me a message the other day saying he was
doing a project on obesity for school. He asked if he could interview me for the
paper. I was really touched that he
thought of me and said I would help out with whatever I could. Yesterday he sent me the questions and one of
them really stuck out for me. It
required a lot of thought and honesty.
He asked what motivated me to get healthier. I didn’t have an “aha moment” like so many
other people do. My pants didn’t rip out
in public. No one pointed and laughed at
me when I was trying to sit in a small chair.
I wasn’t disgusted by pictures of me or the size of clothes I wore. I didn’t have a single huge moment where
reality slapped me in the face and made me decide to change my life. To be honest, I never realized just how fat
or unhappy I was. I know that probably
sounds weird since it was obvious to anyone that looked at me but Denial is a
wonderful city of which I could be mayor.
What motivated me was a mixture of things. First, there is the Underbakke curse of
36. My Dad’s family has all had heart
problems around that age. Fit or not,
it’s in our genes and it cannot be escaped.
It’s a scary thought to know that heart disease plagues my family and I was
closing in on the age of 36 at a rapid pace.
I didn’t want to go through quadruple bypass like my Dad. I didn’t want my family to have to worry or feel
that pain. I remember when we walked
into the room in Rochester after my dad came out of surgery. It was the scariest thing I have ever
encountered. I remember wanting to jump
into bed with him and hold him with all my might because I was so afraid he was
going to die. Seeing the toughest guy
you know white as the sheets he was laying on with tubes of blood pumping from
his body was terrible. He looked like he
was almost dead and that was terrifying.
But for some reason, it was not powerful enough for me to take control
of my life at that point. Sure, I started
being a little more active and more conscious of what I ate but it wasn’t
enough.

Then I had to have part of my cervix removed because I had
pre-cancerous cells. The procedure
sucked because they didn’t numb me appropriately, I was there alone and they
ended up taking more than they thought they would have to. The doctor told me, because of the procedure,
if I stayed as heavy as I was, that I would have problems carrying a child full-term. This broke my heart. I so desperately want to have a child and
knowing that I was too fat just crushed me.
Not to mention the other complications my weight would present during
pregnancy. Or that I wouldn’t be able to
be an active or healthy mother if I was ever blessed with a baby. Again, I became a little more serious about
getting healthy but nothing had really clicked yet. I would lose five pounds and gain back
seven. Lose four and gain back two. I was trying but I wasn’t dedicated or
motivated enough…yet.

On August 13th, 2009 I received a phone call from
my mom that would change my life forever.
I remember hitting my knees and gasping for air and wondering if I would
ever be able to stand up again. It was
like being sucker punched by a 700 pound man.
I heard the words “Kirk is dead” and the rest of the conversation
escapes me. My cousin, a few months shy
of his 26th birthday, had killed himself. Life would never be the same for our family
again. The pain and heartache was
unfathomable. I still think about him
every single day and it’s been 2 ½ years.
I cry for him all the time. I hurt
because our family is missing a piece of what made them complete. It was while trying to mourn the loss of Kirk
that I realized I was wasting my life. That
I had so many blessings around me that I was taking for granted. That I had so much inside me that I could
offer the world and I needed to stop hiding behind a few hundred pounds and
enjoy my life to the fullest. Most importantly,
I never wanted to put my family through the torture and pain of burying me from
an early and preventable death. I
refused to do that to them and I knew I had to change. I had spent years going through the motions
of life and feeling empty inside. This
was my chance to find myself and make a better life. This was my chance to let Kirk know that I was
paying attention every time the butterfly landed near me. I know he is always watching and that I am
finally doing something that makes him proud.
Because I’m a Hagebakke forever and we kick ass. Yes, that’s what we do. And that's what I've been doing for the last two years and will continue to do until I hit my goal weight. Some days are easier than others but I never stop trying...that's the Hagebakke in me.