Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Alternate Reality Series - Jason Giambi

Jason "The Golden Boy" Giambi is one of the most respected hoods in all of the United States. He is known for his newly acquired disgusting physique and his tendency to cook and eat pounds of sweet sausage on the beach, wearing only a gold thong. He is also renowned throughout the semi-gay California mob underworld for his porn-esque mustache and long, juicy locks of gross, unwashed hair.

Giambi's life of crime began in 1995 when he became the designated driver for crime boss and perennial lush Tony "Helmet Head" LaRussa. At the time, LaRussa was constantly berated by other crime figures for being hammered 24/7. He would often piss his pants at sit-downs, and sometimes, to the disgust of everyone, shit in them. It was not a pretty sight. When LaRussa was removed from power, Giambi spent a few more years in the beautiful California sun before heading East to make his mark.

It was the move to New York that put Giambi on the map. He was recruited specifically by the Boss of all Bosses, the Capo di tutti capi, Joe "Clay Face" Torre. Under Torre, Giambi went from small time hood to hot shot enforcer. He also began growing his weird mustaches, which made all of the big-haired Jersey woman scream with delight. In the early part of the decade, The Giambi "Super Erotic Mustache Ride" was considered a Jersey Shore staple for any woman with dark skin, bleach blond hair, and a heartbeat.

But it was at the peak of it all that Giambi fell onto hard times. His juicing habits got out of hand, and during the fall of 2003, in a fit of rage, he tore Irish mobster Aaron Boone's foot off at the ankle. He was shunned by everyone, including fellow juice provider and Jewish liaison David Eckstein. Between his disappearance in 2004 and near offing in 2005, things seemed to be on a final downward spiral for Giambi.

What saved him from an untimely death was a a warm hearted gesture by a cold-bastard-of-a-man. He came clean with the boss, and begged for forgiveness. Torre knew that if he had Giambi killed he would never again get to see Giambi's dirty mustache, so he gave him a pass. This made Torre smile, and his old creepy wrinkles crinkled up into small rolls, forcing one tear to trickle down his old clay-like face.

Giambi proceeded to gain 150 lbs, fall back into habit, and then have Torre shipped out of town. Now he runs under young gun Joe "Salt and Pepper" Girardi and his mustache is as strong as ever. How long will he stay as a stalwart in the New York mob? Only time will tell...