My entire family is angry at me [F32] because I told my sister [F33] I'm pregnant. They didn't want me to tell her because she's done IVF twice and didn't work for her. They wanted me to wait until my baby is born to tell her so it doesn't hurt her feelings

I love my sister and I know she's always wanted to get pregnant but had trouble conceiving so she tried IVF twice in the last couple years, although sadly it didn't work for her.

Since her first failed IVF try, my parents decided it was strictly forbidden for anyone to mention anything baby related. Whether it was me wanting to start a family with my husband, or learning a friend got pregnant. If it was baby related we were told not to tell my sister because it'd hurt her feelings and make her feel bad.

I obliged out of respect for my parents, but I disagree with this because way of doing things. The world doesn't stop, people will still get pregnant, just because she can't have a baby yet, why should everybody walk on eggshells not to accidentally slip someone they know is pregnant?

During a family dinner my brother accidentally mentioned how one of our school friends was having a baby, my sister heard it and started crying saying why did he have to rub it on her face when he knew knowing that would make her feel bad. She made a scene and stormed off crying.

Our parents got super angry at him and went on a tirade about how we couldn't mention babies at all for our sister's sake.

Now 4 months ago my husband and I learned I was pregnant. I told my parents and they didn't seem to care as much about as about making sure I didn't tell my sister.

I told them it was stupid because I'd start showing soon, to what they replied it was best if I avoided hanging out with my sister until my baby is born, because then it's unavoidable, but in the mean time we can spare her the pain of knowing I'm pregnant.

We had a huge argument over it because I don't feel like hiding my pregnancy from my own sister just because her precious feelings might get hurt. She has to deal with it, babies are still being born every second and she can't make the world fit to her needs just so she 'doesn't suffer'.

I don't want to cause her any pain but why can't I share the news with her and openly talk about it?

So after 4 months, and with a visibly pregnant belly, I told her today. She was not happy. She turned it into me purposely trying to make her feel bad and said she would have preferred not knowing.

I was like, how do you expect me to hide this belly? And why shouldn't I be allowed to talk about such an important change in my life just because protecting your feelings is more important than me sharing my joy?

So again, she started crying, didn't even congratulate me and stormed out. (we're both in our mid 30's). An hour later my mother shows up at my house saying I'm selfish and self-centered I only care about me and I went against her wishes and told my sister about my baby just to make her feel bad because I'm jealous of her.

She went fricking nuts on me and made me feel like shit. She said she's gonna need a long time to forgive me for this and how I'm always ruining things.

My husband asked her to leave our house but instead of leaving she got offended and started cussing at him, he then grabbed her by the arm and physically removed her from our house and told her she's not welcome here.

Of course then I got a shitload of angry texts from my father and the rest of the family so we've blocked every single one of them from our phones and social media.

I'm devastated.

TL;DR I'm pregnant and my family got very angry at me for telling my sister about it. She's had failed IVF and nobody is allowed to speak about babies so she doesn't get upset

This. Let them know that by choosing to try to make you hide your pregnancy and child, they have chosen to remove themselves from your pregnancy and your child's life. They chose to "support" your sister in an incredibly damaging way, and in doing so, drove a wedge betwen them and their future grandchild.

I honestly wouldn't even let them see the kid until you get a massive and heartfelt apology for how heartless they were to you, OP. And even then, supervised visits only completely on your terms. No staying over at Grandma and Grandpa's house, no vacations with them. An hour for dinner here and there maybe, but do not let them form a deep relationship with your child because you will never be sure when you might have to remove them from your lives entirely.

They chose to "support" your sister in an incredibly damaging way, and in doing so, drove a wedge betwen them and their future grandchild.

Absolutely! I don’t understand the rationale for nuking the relationship they could have had with their first grand baby. OP’s parents are idiots who are going to regret this.

OP should individually reach out to her brother and get his support. Relay that he’s going to be an uncle and she want him in their child’s life but that can’t happen if he buys into their parents’ toxic bullshit.

Because I’m petty like that, I’d unblock them to share pictures from the baby shower when it happens. None of them would be invited of course. And they’d learn on Facebook when the baby was born but then would be blocked again. Fuck them.

I think low contact/no contact is good, but you need to also be clear about why you are upset with them (despite the fact that it should be obvious). The problem with low/no contact is that they could all just be talking to each other and reinforcing their decisions to be asshats

You don’t, but that was the implication by defending her parents. They’re more concerned with protecting the sister’s feelings even though she’s being totally selfish. Just because she’s having trouble getting pregnant doesn’t mean nobody should ever get pregnant again, but the parents seem to disagree. They seemed upset with OP for getting pregnant rather than happy for her.

Imagine being so self important the mention of any child ever sets you into an uncontrollable rage-inducing tear show. Your sister needs to understand she shares the same air with other humans and cant stop life from happening around her.

Congratulations to you both for your very first baby! I encourage you to learn about narcissism and how to cut out toxic family members so that you can enjoy your family to the fullest! Good to learn these things now before baby complicates matters. Also congrats on your husbands shiney shiney spine!

Your sister needs to understand she shares the same air with other humans and cant stop life from happening around her.

It's bizarre. Like does she live in a sterile bubble of exclusion? What happens when she sees a pregnant woman on TV, or a baby in a pram in public, or family photos on social media? You can't control the world around you, you control how you react to it.

Can we take a second to pick up on the enablist narcissism of the parents, namely the mother?

An hour later my mother shows up at my house saying I'm selfish and self-centered I only care about meand I went against her wishes and told my sister about my baby just to make her feel bad because I'm jealous of her.

The part where OP is obviously "jealous" of her sister got me, like she's the one that was able to have a baby, if anything her sister is the jealous one since she shows a raging fit everytime a baby is even mentioned...

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the mom was actively badmouthing OP to her sister behind her back to make things even worse. Narc parents are known for intentionally creating rifts between siblings.

This is so so accurate. I had a miscarriage last year and my sister got pregnant the month after. While a lot of that sucked and hearing about babies and pregnancies was hard, my beautiful perfect niece is a bright spot in my days and I would never in a million years hamper my sister's happiness even while I struggle.

OP's sister + parents are being so selfish, holy crap. The rest of the world isn't gonna coddle her like that - people are not going to stop having babies or talking about babies or wanting babies just because she's having trouble.

ETA: congrats ! I hope you have friends / other family who aren't this self centered and are happy to celebrate with you!

Upvote for nailing it! Her sister is in dire need of therapy, and her parents absolutely have to stop enabling this behavior!

Also your family has just put a huge amount of stress on you because of your sisters condition, a condition you have no control over. On the other hand they can control how much stress they put on you, which can and will effect not just your health, but the health of your baby as well. Meaning they are currently having an adverse effect on your child’s health, and you have no obligation to allow them to do so. Cut all contact, don’t let them meet your child until they apologize in full, and your sister starts to get the psychological help she needs.

Yeah, she is trying to live in a fantasy world, but the real world involves pain. You get the good and the bad. We all have things that we have to face head on that we really wish we could ignore. I know I do. Thats why being a responsible adult sucks. The sister also seems very immature, so thats not great either, baby or not.

Yeah, this nails it. She's surrounded by enablers who have created a bubble of protection around her instead of ever encouraging her to be a healthy adult and deal with her problems. The entire bunch are absolutely disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves.

She said she's gonna need a long time to forgive me for this and how I'm always ruining things.

Lol. Your parents sound as bad as your sister.

You want to know the good thing here? You hold all the cards. You're the one who's going to have a new baby in a few months. A baby that your family is going to want to be seeing. They're going to feel ENTITLED to see the baby, families always do. But they don't get to unless you give the OK.

Keep that firmly in mind, because they are going to try to walk all over you. It's clear that they are used to walking all over you. And because you feel guilt, as they do not, you probably let them walk over you. So spend the next few months preparing. Practice saying no. Because when they show up demanding grandkid time, you get to smile and send them away until they are ready to apologize and act like adults.

You might feel stupid doing this at first, but practice saying no to them in the mirror or at least outloud. It's much easier to say things in your head than outloud so if you practice saying no to your family for months beforehand, it should be easier when the time actually comes.

This right here OP. Your mother is the one who needs forgiveness, not you. And it's totally OK to not feel ready to forgive. She's turned one of the most joyous occasions of your life into a pity party for your sister.

No, they are 100% worse than the sister. It sounds as if them enabling the sister has made things for her so much more worse. Instead of being the shoulder to cry on and move on, they are preventing her from moving on psychologically and possibly getting her the help she needs.

Tell them all that you refuse to place unreasonable restrictions on your life, because your sister lacks the emotional maturity to deal with the facts of life. She needs therapy. Until all of them give you a genuine apology, they are out of your life. That includes no contact with grandchild, because you will not have toxic bullshit around your child.

Then if any conversation starts without an apology, just end it.

FYI in the future, your husband should not physically remove your mother. This can be construed as assault. Instead, he should kindly inform her that she is trespassing and that if she does not leave, he will call 911 to have her removed.

Idk about US law but in UK law the minute she told her to leave and she didn’t she became a trespasser then and as long as her husband wasn’t overly physical (doesn’t sound like he was) he was just exercising his right to have her removed.

Not super relevant I just thought it’s interesting in the differences between our trespass laws

The problem with narcs is that they don't care about the law. The mother could easily call the police and lie to them saying he assaulted her. Or she would just threaten to do so in order to get her way.

I'm afraid your understanding of UK trespass law is completely incorrect. In England, unless there's aggravating circumstances or some other unlawful activity going on, trespass is an entirely civil matter.

​

I could wander into your house, sit on your sofa and watch whatever is on your TV, and when you call the police, they quite rightly tell you it's a civil matter. Regardless how gently you were, if you physically removed me from the premises, that'd be assault. See the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 for more info on criminal trespass.

I never said it was criminal I’m aware it’s a majority tort area! Just that no suing could take place.

As for the rest I am not completely incorrect:

You’re allowed to use “reasonable force” to get someone to leave, you just aren’t allowed to harm anyone, and a firm grip on the arm and guiding them out is definitely reasonable. Plus Assault under trespass to person is wholly verbal, Battery would be anything physical.

And you’re allowed to use “reasonable force” to get someone to leave, you just aren’t allowed to harm anyone, and a firm grip on the arm and guiding them out is definitely reasonable. Plus Assault under trespass to person is wholly verbal, Battery would be anything physical.

"reasonable force" is only justified in preventing a greater harm, i.e. stopping a criminal act. You can't use "reasonable force" to enforce a civil dispute. That'd be up to the police in enforcing a court order after one had been issued.

​

Also, while you're correct that assault is technically verbal under common law and battery is a separate thing, there's no such act as the "Trespass to the Person Act" and under the Criminal Justice Act 1988 both assault and battery are lumped together as the criminal offence "common assault."

​

edit: I see you've edited out the word act, making it just "assault under trespass to person" - that's tort law, and while trespass vs trespass is potentially equitable in the civil arena, common assault is still a criminal offence.

Yeah I did edit out the word act before you replied because that was my mistake you’re right on that, I didn’t expect to have a legal tiff on Reddit on Saturday morning haha. I’m just trying to remember what I learned in the course of my law course.

Well as with all applications of reasonable force it varies as to what’s reasonable, if violence was happening reasonable force is often stretched to restraint or even knocking someone unconscious but in cases like this it’s obviously lower because you can’t just beat people up.

Trespass to land is one of the few areas where reasonable force can be used without a threat or act of violence happening, otherwise security guards and bouncers couldn’t do their jobs at protecting a piece of land. In fact it’s commonly applied to bouncers because a club goer could get too drunk and not be violent or rowdy and just pass out or be a placid mess and the bouncers can still escort them off the premises because they are no longer allowed to be there (ie: trespass). No violent or criminal act was committed but use of reasonable force is permitted to eject them.

It’s when the force goes beyond “dragging” or escorting someone out where things get murky and often go to court (such as the R v Martin, 2001 case) which is most often when the trespasser has gone violent and the “reasonable force” escalates.

In most cases like this “case” the reasonable force is a little less than a push out the door and nothing legal comes of it because it would be a waste of time.

The toxicity has a very real reason. It seems like OP cares about her family and the situation doesn't warrant burned bridges.

Her sister needs to get to a mental healthcare specialist, otherwise she will (further?) deteriorate into severe depression and then the situation gets even worse for everyone involved. Depending on what the therapist says, it might be beneficial to involve the entire family.

I can understand her sisters position and agree mental health should be given to her.

It's the parents that are the issue. OP is pregnant and not only are they unwilling to share the happiness, they are being awful to her and giving her lots of stress over it. That's disgusting. Even more so considering OP is pregnant and shouldn't be dealing with that amount of stress.
Instead of helping the sister, they are enabling toxic behaviour.

Theres no excuse for the level of toxicity that has been thrown the OPs way though.

I agree. It will turn into not leaving the house, or even ruin her marriage. Especially with the parents enabling her like this. There was just a relationship advice post similar to this from the husbands point of view, and he was about to leave. Not because the wife wasn't able to conceive, but because she had become withdrawn, anxious, depressed, and obsessed. For years.Your sister needs help and probably won't admit it easily.

The burned bridges in this situation are out of OPs control. If OP wants to see any changes with her family, she needs to make drastic choices. It sounds like it is their way or the highway, some separation won't kill anybody.

First, congratulations :) Second, it is really sad that your sister is having a hard time having children, and I am sure it was very hard for her to hear about your wonderful news. HOWEVER, she should not have reacted the way she did, that is not fair to you.

Also, I would think it is kinder to tell her before the baby is born instead of blindsiding her with an actual baby. It is completely unrealistic to sweep issues like this under the rub and NEVER talk about them. How is your sister ever supposed to cope if no one will even talk to her about it? The things that bring us pain arent fun to discuss, but there will never be healing with out discussion.

Your family had no right to get upset with you and they are in the wrong. You have every right to be excited about your pregnancy and do not let anyone make you feel guilty for that.

I LOLed at 33 being too old. I didn’t even start trying until 35 and got pregnant within a few months on both tries. The actual scientific data is mixed. Some shows declines in fertility after 35, but other studies show it doesn’t really start to drop off until 40. There’s something other than age going on with the sister.

My mom had me when she was 39. I guess I don't actually exist by weirdos' "women are basically infertile after their 20s" logic. (How that 'logic' is so common on reddit baffles me. It's not 1950, most people aren't having kids in their late teens/early 20s anymore. If the dropoff was that severe, the average age of first childbirth wouldn't be trending towards 30, or even going past it depending on location and socioeconomic status.)

You're more likely to have a low birth weight baby and a premature birth. Premature babies, especially those born earliest, often have complicated medical problems.

You might need a C-section. Older mothers have a higher risk of pregnancy-related complications that might lead to a C-section delivery.

The risk of chromosome abnormalities is higher. Babies born to older mothers have a higher risk of certain chromosome problems, such as Down syndrome.

The risk of pregnancy loss is higher. The risk of pregnancy loss — by miscarriage and stillbirth — increases as you get older, perhaps due to pre-existing medical conditions or fetal chromosomal abnormalities.

While the rate of an embryo having Down syndrome at the 10-week mark of pregnancy is 1 in 1,064 at age 25, this rises to 1 in 686 at age 30 and 1 in 240 by the age of 35 years. At the age of 40, the Down syndrome rate increases still to 1 in 53, and down to 1 in 19 embryos at age 45.

A study published in Nature Communications set out to investigate why older mothers have a heightened risk of giving birth to children with congenital anomalies that are characterized by abnormal chromosome numbers.

Researchers from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University in New York learned that the genetic process of recombination could be responsible for the increased risk of conditions such as Down syndrome.

You're more likely to have a low birth weight baby and a premature birth. Premature babies, especially those born earliest, often have complicated medical problems.

You might need a C-section. Older mothers have a higher risk of pregnancy-related complications that might lead to a C-section delivery.

The risk of chromosome abnormalities is higher. Babies born to older mothers have a higher risk of certain chromosome problems, such as Down syndrome.

The risk of pregnancy loss is higher. The risk of pregnancy loss — by miscarriage and stillbirth — increases as you get older, perhaps due to pre-existing medical conditions or fetal chromosomal abnormalities.

While the rate of an embryo having Down syndrome at the 10-week mark of pregnancy is 1 in 1,064 at age 25, this rises to 1 in 686 at age 30 and 1 in 240 by the age of 35 years. At the age of 40, the Down syndrome rate increases still to 1 in 53, and down to 1 in 19 embryos at age 45.

A study published in Nature Communications set out to investigate why older mothers have a heightened risk of giving birth to children with congenital anomalies that are characterized by abnormal chromosome numbers.

Researchers from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University in New York learned that the genetic process of recombination could be responsible for the increased risk of conditions such as Down syndrome.

You're more likely to have a low birth weight baby and a premature birth. Premature babies, especially those born earliest, often have complicated medical problems.

You might need a C-section. Older mothers have a higher risk of pregnancy-related complications that might lead to a C-section delivery.

The risk of chromosome abnormalities is higher. Babies born to older mothers have a higher risk of certain chromosome problems, such as Down syndrome.

The risk of pregnancy loss is higher. The risk of pregnancy loss — by miscarriage and stillbirth — increases as you get older, perhaps due to pre-existing medical conditions or fetal chromosomal abnormalities.

While the rate of an embryo having Down syndrome at the 10-week mark of pregnancy is 1 in 1,064 at age 25, this rises to 1 in 686 at age 30 and 1 in 240 by the age of 35 years. At the age of 40, the Down syndrome rate increases still to 1 in 53, and down to 1 in 19 embryos at age 45.

A study published in Nature Communications set out to investigate why older mothers have a heightened risk of giving birth to children with congenital anomalies that are characterized by abnormal chromosome numbers.

Researchers from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University in New York learned that the genetic process of recombination could be responsible for the increased risk of conditions such as Down syndrome.

You're getting downvoted because you're dead wrong. Not about the sister's immaturity, you're right there, and it's probably best that she not have children until she gets her issues in check. But late 20's is not "waiting too long" to start having children, and the vast majority of women do not have trouble conceiving in their 30s.

You're more likely to have a low birth weight baby and a premature birth. Premature babies, especially those born earliest, often have complicated medical problems.

You might need a C-section. Older mothers have a higher risk of pregnancy-related complications that might lead to a C-section delivery.

The risk of chromosome abnormalities is higher. Babies born to older mothers have a higher risk of certain chromosome problems, such as Down syndrome.

The risk of pregnancy loss is higher. The risk of pregnancy loss — by miscarriage and stillbirth — increases as you get older, perhaps due to pre-existing medical conditions or fetal chromosomal abnormalities.

While the rate of an embryo having Down syndrome at the 10-week mark of pregnancy is 1 in 1,064 at age 25, this rises to 1 in 686 at age 30 and 1 in 240 by the age of 35 years. At the age of 40, the Down syndrome rate increases still to 1 in 53, and down to 1 in 19 embryos at age 45.

A study published in Nature Communications set out to investigate why older mothers have a heightened risk of giving birth to children with congenital anomalies that are characterized by abnormal chromosome numbers.

Researchers from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University in New York learned that the genetic process of recombination could be responsible for the increased risk of conditions such as Down syndrome.

I know someone personally who does the exact same thing (except since they’re not a mom they do with other stuff), that’s the last person on earth to have a baby, everything is about them and their feefees and all (and fuck everyone else), you know, quite the opposite of what a parent should be. I’m shocked people are being so sympathetic towards her.

You've obviously never struggled to have children. My husband and I are still struggling and have to go through IVF. I love my nieces and nephews but sometimes it is incredibly painful to see the happiness of others getting pregnant. I actually do break down sometimes when I find out someone in my friends/family get pregnant because I also would love that experience. However I do not ban others from talking about babies or their own pregnancy. I may get jealous or envious but those are issues that I have to deal with. The sister definitely needs help processing her anger, frustration, and jealousy. That doesn't mean she shouldn't have emotional responses to hearing the news. Some people also wait because they want to be with the right partner or be in a stable position for children. OP should not be mistreated by her family because she got pregnant and her sister did not.

I mean it's sad for someone to have to struggle with not being able to have kids who want them. In this case it may be a good thing for the time being till sister matures enough to be able to care for a kid.
But it's still sad.

Not sure why you're getting down voted you said it kind if harshly but it seems clear that she's not in the right mindset of an Adult and it doesn't help the fact her parents are still treating her like it. I wouldn't #uggest she have kids until she gets therapy

I don’t understand why your family thinks showing up with A BABY would hurt her feelings any less. She would still be mad at you because you got pregnant before she did. I understand that she’s feeling scared and sad, but she can’t dictate your personal life. Congratulations and don’t let your family ruin this exciting time for you and your husband!

She would still be mad at you because you got pregnant before she did.

And she might be even more mad because you hid it from her for nine months! There flat-out wasn't a good time to drop that bomb, and there's no way not to drop it. The parent's idiotic plan was doomed from the start, unless they were hoping OP would just kind of avoid mentioning her baby at all until the sister managed to conceive.

The next step would be that the baby stays home with dad or a sitter when she goes to visit. This would get tiresome rather quickly so they'd probably ending up drifting away. May as well just cut them out now to reduce any arguments with her husband about them spending time apart. Now is the time to put her new family first.

Your sister sounds grossly immature and entitled, and your family is enabling her. I’m going to guess she’s the golden child and you’re the scapegoat. Frankly, your sister needs to get over herself. And while I do have sympathy for people who struggle to have kids, I lose all sympathy when they become demented about it. Which is what your sister is - demented.

Right? Also, it may be good that this all erupted now instead of at the baby shower or hospital when the baby arrives. You can enjoy your milestones without their poison. Take care of yourself and stay away from the stress they’ll cause you during your pregnancy.

Hiding your pregnancy was a dumb idea. Your sister, despite what she may say, would not have preferred that. For future reference, most infertile people (speaking from experience) prefer to be told about pregnancies via text or email so they can digest the news in private.

I 100% lost a friendship because of this same reason. I was nothing but kind, i was her door mat for feelings. She tried to get pregnant for so long. As soon as I got pregnant she started talking about how she couldn’t believe that god would give me a child and not her. How she was going to be a better mother than I ever would be.

I distanced myself. I was hurt, she was my best friend. When I found out she finally got pregnant, I was over the moon for her. I messaged her and the. She asked me how I was, I explained that I was 4 months pregnant with my 2nd. She said “it still bothers me when people tell me they are pregnant” this is the moment I realized we would never be friends again.

Your sister is an emotionally stunted brat. This behavior was likely learned from your utterly fucked up parents. It is amazing you made it out with the good sense you have.

You cannot live your lives walking on eggshells because she caught a tough break in life. You don't have to let people treat you that way, even if they're family. The downside is that they may not have the intestinal fortitude to admit they are shitheads.

You deserve an apology from all of them. Until that happens I'd make them stay away. That behavior is not healthy for your own family .

First and foremost...Congratulations! Even though I am someone who had to struggle with the fact that I could not have children, I completely agree with you. Is it very tough and emotional for your sister? Of course. But like you said, life doesn’t stop because you can’t or don’t have something you want in life. Burying your head in the sand doesn’t make the hurt go away...it just prolongs it.

Once tempers have cooled, and if you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to suggest your sister seek some therapy. For myself, it really helped to have someone impartial to talk to .

Your parents are trying to shelter your sister from things that she shouldn't need shelter from. I don't want to have kids (at least not yet) so I can't understand what she is going through, but like you said people will still get pregnant and have kids. Your sister needs to be able to face that without breaking down, and if she can't than she needs to go to therapy.

Which I guess also means that they weren’t planning on holding/attending a baby shower. Because, you know, who cares about their first grandchild, they need to shelter OP’s sister from reality at all costs...

They need help... I know your sister is having problems, but that doesn’t mean that the whole world of babies doesn’t exist anymore. Are you supposed to hide your child from her because she didn’t get to have one first?? I am sorry your family has made this decision, but you literally can not help it. Remove yourself from this toxicity. They have been drinking the kool aid too long, they don’t realize how much they’ve drank, and how absolutely crazy they are.

It is reasonable to use extra tact and care when sharing pregnancy news with someone who has suffered infertility or a loss, and it's reasonable to be understanding that they may be more distraught v than happy for you at first. It's not reasonable to hide information. That's just crazy. Has your sister been the golden child in the family?

You were supposed to avoid your sister for 9 months and not share one of the happiest moments of your life with her, because she has reproductive issues? That's fucking stupid. My brother repatriated to Korea to become a monk and sees my children as rays of sunshine, even at their worst. He's never seen a vagina let alone touched one or had sex. I'm sure she would be jealous but also happy that your child is a part of her, and her a part of it. My sister's also lavish gifts and praise on my children as if they were reincarnated Lamas. A new generation is boundless potential and should bring infinite happiness. Your family sucks dude.

You were supposed to avoid your sister for 9 months and not share one of the happiest moments of your life with her, because she has reproductive issues? That's fucking stupid. My brother repatriated to Korea to become a monk and sees my children as rays of sunshine, even at their worst. He's never seen a vagina let alone touched one or had sex. I'm sure she would be jealous but also happy that your child is a part of her, and it of her. My sister's also lavish gifts and praise on my children as if they were reincarnated Lamas. A new generation is boundless potential and should bring infinite happiness. Your family sucks dude.

Dang. I understand wanting to give birth to your own child, but if she's just gonna keep flipping her shit when she doesn't get pregnant, she needs to stop being a selfish bitch and adopt. Your family is crazy though, eccentric. It was a good move to block them. If they won't accept this new little member of the family, they dont deserve to be in this new babies life anyway.

Adoption is complicated, and heartbreaking, and expensive and can take years. Not wanting to adopt doesn’t make you a selfish bitch. I can’t have children and I fully plan on adopting from foster care in a few years, but I really don’t think the average person has any idea how complex it is.

And fostering has its own set of complications. Not everyone is equipped to deal with how damaged some kids are. Every option is complicated and no one should be shamed for what they choose. Everyone who’s considering fostering or adopting should go in with open eyes.

Tell them all to get a grip. The world doesn't stop because your sister can't get what she wants. Ask her if she'd rather deal with the hurt if not being able to get pregnant or the hurt of finding out after the fact that someone in her life was pregnant and kept that information from her. If she can by at least be happy for you, then I don't know what you can do for her. Maybe someone that self absorbed shouldn't have kids.

You're pregnant, you don't need this negativity and stress in your life right now. You're husband has balls of steel to do something like that to an in-law but he did the right thing of removing the toxicity from your house.

You're family sucks tbh and you're mother gave you an a heads-up that she will not talk to you until she forgives you. Give her one back and don't allow them back into your baby's life until they see a therapist and acknowledge how wrong they are.

Whole way through reading your post I felt sad for you, is this first grandchild? Your parents should be over the moon for you, it's so damn shitty they're treating you this way.

Secondly your sister needs to get off her high horse, everyone has to stop walking on egg shells around her. She can't stop you having children, she can't stop you talking about kids, it's just ridiculous and selfish, she's an auntie she should be happy for you.

I think your family are out of order, they can't expect you to keep it a secret and had no right to go over to your home and tell you off for telling her. It's just silly.

Try not to stress and get upset (easier said than done), your husband sounds amazingly supportive.

As far as your sister goes I think she needs therapy, it's not right she's punishing you all.

I think it's time that you cut them all off and made clear to your parents that if they continue to enable and contribute to emotionally abusing you then they will never meet any grandchildren that come out of your marriage

In your family, is your sister the only one that matters to your parents? Yes, she must be going through a tough time, but it seems the universe revolves around her only. Best thing to do is cut all contact and tell your child when she/he grows up you lost your parents on a cruise ship accident. Oh and congratulations with your pregnancy =)

Moving on, your sister needs professional help. A woman in her 30s throwing a temper tantrum because other people are experiencing a happy thing is pathetic and she needs to talk to someone and get help. I struggled for a few years before I got pregnant and it felt hopeless and a lot of people close to me got pregnant but I didn’t act like a child. When I was alone I would cry a little bit but that’s the extent of it. It’s not fair to you or anyone that your family and her expect people to shelter her and walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting her. That’s not how the real world works.

And finally, tell your family they need to change their ways or cut them off. The way they are is toxic and borderline abusive. It’s not okay whatsoever. Especially what your mother did. Stand up for yourself and your happiness. You’re allowed to be happy about this and you’re allowed to share your pregnancy with others.

My sister and I were both trying to conceive around the same time back in 2014. She struggled for 2 years and went through multiple rounds of IUI. I conceived in about 4 months without any intervention. When I told her ( she wasn’t pregnant yet) I knew it would be hard on her so I gave her space to be honest. She admitted she was a bit jealous but was also happy for me. No drama. No parents deciding who gets to say what. Eventually she conceived too and our children are just about the same age, love playing together, and all turned out well.

I seriously don’t understand your parents’ behavior. Do they regularly coddle your adult sister? Does she have issues with emotional instability or something and therefore they can’t cut the strings?

I would write your parents a kind and clearly worded letter about your feelings. Don’t make it about what’s wrong with your sister but about their favoritism and lack of enthusiasm about your pregnancy. You’re in the right to ask for an apology but it might not help your case if your parents are that blind to the insanity of their behavior. So I’d just focus on how you feel and state you need space so you can enjoy your pregnancy without being around people who want you to hide it!

I really hope they see how unreasonable they are being and come around. Your sister sounds like a piece of work, though. I’m wondering how many other crazy requests she makes of her friends and family for her emotional comfort.

You are 100% correct here. What makes your sisters feelings so much more important than yours??? Of course being sensitive of her circumstance is one thing but regardless if she loves you than she should be happy for you and so should your parents. It shouldn’t be something that should be hidden just so your sister doesn’t have hurt feelings. That’s insane. She needs therapy. And your parents need to stop picking sides and enabling her behavior. You are pregnant and don’t need that added stress. And it’s horrible their causing you that and not being supportive and happy for you like they should be. That’s not love. I hope everything works out and they come to their senses but it doesn’t sound likely. Put you and your baby’s well being first and congrats!!! 🎊🎈🎉

This is 1/2 a step away from your parents “suggesting” you give your baby to your sister. I’m in my early thirties and just had my second and last baby. Infertility thankfully wasn’t a huge issue for me but I’ve had friends that tried for years before it worked out. It’s devastating to have it nor work out. However being even a friend means you want the best for your friends, let alone your family. It might be hard but living in a bubble doesn’t help and isn’t healthy. Your joy and news should be determined by her ever. Your parents put in a very no win situation. Has she always been the favorite? It seems like they treat her as such.

Cutting them off is probably in your best interest like most others have said. Think about when you have your baby. Are your parents not supposed to show the kid love just because your sister doesn’t have one too? It reminds me of a child throwing a temper tantrum, and the parents acting like it’s totally normal. Sounds like you’ve got a great guy, you should spend more time focusing on him and your soon to be baby rather than worrying about pleasing your childish sister and parents.

All of this stress can't be good for that developing fetus inside you.

How about you call it quits from all of them until well after the baby is born?

The health of your unborn child takes precedence over absolutely everything else, and all this contention and stress has to be negatively affecting it.

Bonus: I can guarantee your parents will change their tune real quick once they realize they were excluded from your child's birth, and they'll continue to be excluded from its life until they both apologize to you.

She went fricking nuts on me and made me feel like shit. She said she's gonna need a long time to forgive me for this and how I'm always ruining things.

Bolded part, mine. Normally functioning parents do not say shit like that to their kids. That is an incredibly asshole thing to say and it's unacceptable under any circumstance, especially talking to one of their children that is actually pregnant.

So I think they're just mad you got pregnant in the first place, and it's not about the way you told her or the fact that you told her at all. Unfortunately for your sister, it's not about her. It's your life. You both independently decided to get pregnant. She needs to come to terms with the fact that the world doesn't revolve around her and babies aren't just things you pull out of your pocket to make fun of someone else. Unless you left out the part where you did make fun of her (not accusing, just saying) then you've done nothing wrong by literally just living your life.

Yeah, OP just had to always be carrying a shopping bag, or standing behind a really tall counter, or something like that. Hey, it works for sitcoms when they’re trying to conceal an actress’s pregnancy, why can’t it work in real life, too?

I can understand how her not being able to have a baby causes a sting. However, she should be happy with you and celebrate that you can. Definitely be supportive of her and don't rub it in her face, but you didn't do anything wrong by telling her (assuming it was done it a considerate way).

Hey, so you've got plenty of comments about how immature/ shitty/ eccentric your family is acting, and though I am very inclined to agree, I'll offer a different option to think about here (devil's advocate what up).

I don't know how you brought this up to your sister as you didn't offer any details, but if one of her life goals is to have children and she has spent years of her life and thousands of her hard-earned dollars trying and failing to achieve this, then if you aren't very delicate with your words, you can rehash that depression and trauma which can result in out-of-character outbursts of uncontrollable rage. I am speaking from experience -- many times something in the now has triggered trauma from my childhood, and I have lashed out irrationally at a friend or significant other. I am not saying this is okay, and she absolutely needs counseling, but that is a very real and very difficult to control thing going on here.

That being said, your parents fucking suck. Your mom should not have treated you this way, especially in your delicate condition. She should not be enabling your sister. Cut them out of your life and ignore any conversation or attempt at outreach that does not begin with a sincere apology. Keep your husband as a buffer between you and your mother for any further interactions. You have precious life growing inside of you that is your new priority here.

Your sister, unlike your mother, is a victim of trauma. I would hope that she may act and think more rationally after a cooling off period. If it were me, and only because I know what it's like to be in her shoes, I would want to give her the opportunity to right her wrongs by sending a message to her via some platform (probably not phone because I wouldn't want nasty calls or voicemails if she isn't ready to be rational) within the week. I would say, neutrally, that I was devastated over how things went down between us, and that I believe it could have been handled so much better. I would not place blame. I'd tell her I love her and need her support in my life. I'd tell her that I understand that I hurt her and it was never my intention, and that I would like to speak to her when the emotions have settled. If she gives us that chance to speak, then I would neutrally bring up how I thought I deserved an apology, because my intentions were pure -- but not before. Remember, she is not a rational adult. She is traumatized and your family has not allowed her to address and move past her trauma. Her trauma and inability to cope is the root of all of your current issues, and this will unfortunately be easily triggered by heavily placed (though well deserved) blame.

If you do this she's still nasty to you -- continue to cut her off. Lean on your incredible husband. Maybe try again in a couple of weeks, maybe don't. But remember that precious life that you carry inside of you and that is a beautiful blessing that no one can take from you.

Please do not reach out to your parents. Perhaps they will come around if you are able to settle things with your sister, and if not, cut them out of your and your lovely husband's life. They are enablers and they sound sick. They were not the victims of this trauma and as such should never have put you and your baby's health in jeopardy in this way.

If you think it could be beneficial, consider reaching out to your brother though for support and guidance during this emotional time.

You are God's child. It's hard to be the bigger person, but whatever route you take, I hope that he makes his presence known to you during this difficult time.

You didn't have to tell your sister anything, and they specifically asked you not to tell her anything.

Yes your stomach would show, but your sister would have the realization that you were pregnant on her own, and process it in her own way. She would be able to co-opt your assistance in processing it even.

Why did you tell her? Did you really think her noticing on her own would've made things worse, because that strikes me as incredibly unlikely.

To add to that, when she made her batshit accusation that you were actively trying to make her jealous or something, you didn't de-escalate your grief-stricken sister, but instead pointed out the absurdity of her accusation. Yes it's absurd. Why did your sister say such absurd shit? She said it because she's distraught over her infertility and lacks the strength to fake being happy for you.

She's imperfect. Everyone's imperfect.

But there was a world where you made a greater effort to keep your family harmonious, and you didn't make that effort. It all blew up, and the consequences were seeing the worst side of a bunch of people in the family.

They could've been stronger, but you could've had more tact. They didn't ask you to avoid her, or to lie about being pregnant. She didn't call you fat or nothing. You just decided to ignore what your parents asked you to do, something they asked you to do specifically to avoid a situation like this.

I don't want to cause her any pain but why can't I share the news with her and openly talk about it?

And decided because you couldn't conceive the reason why you should to just ignore the advice you were given.

why should everybody walk on eggshells not to accidentally slip someone they know is pregnant?

Not everybody. They didn't ask everybody. They asked her sister. The reason is an effort to maintain harmony while your sister is irrational and weak as a consequence of the existential tragedy of realizing you may not be able to have a child.

You can cut everyone out, but know that you chose this result. You chose truth over harmony, but the truth cuts, and you cut your sister with it for no good reason.

Yes, she would've been cut by the truth eventually, but at least it wouldn't be her sister who did it.

I doubt you want advice for me if you've gotten this far down, but I'd still like to give it: Go for the harmony. It makes your family stronger. Don't be a doormat, but you don't need to punish your family when they're not strong enough to hear the truth. That isn't your job.

No,sorry. Quite frankly,I dont care if your sister is traumatized. Ok,you're traumatized. I feel for you or anyone who has past trauma. I understand that much but the fact that you go to such an extreme where everytime someone brings up something about a baby,you flip it so far out of context,you make it sound like it's against you. Girl, no one is rubbing anything in your face. People get pregnant. The fact that your dumbass of a family gave some half assed solution about what to do when you start showing gets me more annoyed.

She's like a puppet master and mommy and daddy over here are being played. They're enabling her and this disgusting attitude. I get it if someone has past trauma but again,stop letting your trauma affect other people's happiness. She needs help. Having past trauma never is an excuse to be (and may I add,not just one instance but multiple occurences) an asshole.

It's so hard for me to be logical with these kinds of posts and not get too emotional/vindictive because I scratch my head wondering how do people live like this. Honestly. OP don't feel like shit. Congrats to you being pregnant. You've also got a good husband.

You need to get your sister into therapy. She thinks the world is perpetually victimizing her, just because she cannot get pregnant and other women can. It's preventing her from being happy for other people, and instead narcissistically believes that this is about her. She needs help.

How immature of her. And even with the impossibility of having a child of her own, she discarded the chance of her possibly being an awesome caring aunt.
Also, didn't know ppl in their 30s tell on their parents every time they get their feelings hurt.
Congratulations for your baby, and for stepping up for yourself!

Your family sucks. Great news, you are having your own!! Congratulations 🎈!!!! If your own mom and sister can’t put their shit aside to celebrate your new life, wtf. Me, an internet stranger, jumping for your joy. You don’t owe them anything, they clearly haven’t considered your feelings or they believe your sister’s feelings are more important than yours 😒 I’m sorry you have to deal with this BS at that happiest time of your life

Your sister is selfish and is destroying your family. You need to focus on enjoy your pregnancy and your marriage. She needs therapy and someone who makes her know she is not the center of the universe

They need to be happy with you, here's what I would do. Don't talk to your family until they come to their senses and if they don't too bad, they'll miss your beautiful birth you and your baby don't need that negativity.

Sister doesn't sound emotionally mature or stable enough to be breeding anyway, so atleast there's that. Best to cut them all out of your lives and move on, your kid doesn't deserve to be influenced by narcissists.

I don't think that you did anything wrong. Your belly is growing and there's no hiding that. I don't particularly understand people who have fertility problems and instead of seeking therapy, decide that it's reasonable to ask everyone else in the world to pretend that pregnancies still happen. I had two ectopics, now I can only have kids through IVF, and it never mattered to me whether other people were having kids or not - that has nothing to do with my own fertility issues, I'm still happy for those who have kids on the way. I did try IVF, it's a painful process, it has worked so far (18 weeks along), but if anything goes wrong I think that I won't try again. And I'll still be happy when people I know get pregnant. My sister lost a pregnancy at five months last year, she was still very happy for me, as I was for her for that pregnancy (when I was already aware that I couldn't conceive naturally anymore).

Your sister needs help, and your parents need to stop enabling her - that's detrimental to her recovery. Congratulations on your baby, I hope you have a smooth pregnancy!

I feel like when you have multiple children you are supposed to love, support, and encourage them all equally. Choosing one's feelings over another's is NOT a sacrifice that should be made. So while it sounds like everyone has been there to support your sister through her rough time, they should also celebrate and support such an important exciting change in yours.

Kudos to your husband for standing up for you and supporting you during this family disagreement. You are pregnant, that just adds to the emotions you will feel in a stressful situation or event.

It's irresponsible and disrespectful for your mother to have acted the way she did. I'm so sorry.

I know with it being Mothers Day on the horizon it may be harder to deal with this but you are strong.

Your family is toxic for being upset with you as your sister is adult enough to understand something like this and it is your right to tell her. You know that you did not want to hurt her feeling so do not feel bad for anything. Your sister is unlucky and there are many women who have hard time getting conceived which your family needs to understand. Talk to your sister and let her know that you feel bad for her and you did not have any intention to hurt her. You have not done anything wrong so do not apologize to anyone and make sure that you focus on your pregnancy as that is more important thing than anything else.

It will be a long time till you can forgive them and only that way around, the parents certainly have nothing for you to apologise to them for, as for your sister, all you did was share the news, you waited 4 months so it wasn't the earliest. I get how much pain her not being able to get pregnant causes her but you and your kid can't just not exist so she doesn't have to deal with it.

Listen, i have dealt with infertility myself, and all of us who do go through a period where the mention of babies is painful. But that our problem, not everyone else's.
I took a long break certain friends, social media and so on. I removed myself from announcements and stuff, so that I could rest and deal. That's not what your sister is doing. I understand her pain, but she can't just make it everyone's problem. And she needs to learn to be happy on other people's behalf again. I too think she needs therapy. And your parents are massive enablers, that really should learn to care for all of there children, not just one.

As someone who has been facing fertility issue, as well as having a failed IVF, I can empathize with your sisters pain HOWEVER, it’s completely unfair to expect that babies and pregnancy will remain a taboo subject in her presence. Fortunately/unfortunately life goes on. My best friend got pregnant after her first month of trying, I can’t say that was easy news to hear, but I also wasn’t unhappy for her. It’s a weird balance, but that’s up to your sister to figure out, not anyone else really. I try to not to be a victim of my circumstances, I continue to plan ahead, and think positively. While some days are hard (tomorrow will probably be a trigger for her!!!) everyday doesn’t have to be hard. I hope y’all can find a middle ground. She may not be able to be the one you go to with your pregnancy woes, and she may not even be able to make it to your baby shower (but hopefully she can!) but I would think that once she see your baby, she will be so in love and happy to be a part of that life. I hope everyone is soon able to happily celebrate such an amazing time for you!
It also does sound like she could use some professional help with coping, that level of anger can’t be healthy for her.

You’re sister has serious problems beyond her infertility and your parents are codependent. You are operating outside of their dynamic, which feels like your betraying them but you’re not. You are, despite your family, the healthy one. And you’re husband is right to help you enforce your boundaries.

Your parents are enabling your sister and it’s gonna make your sister suffer more if they don’t stop. She needs therapy to deal with it instead of forcing everyone to put their lives on hold when it relates to babies. That’s such an immature pathetic thing to do especially at her age. Your own family cares more about protecting her feelings than they do about getting her help or congratulating you. It’s ridiculous. Just because she had a failed pregnancy doesn’t mean she gets to make everyone else suffer and act like a child. Your parents are being just as bad as she is. Ruining everyone else’s happiness for her sake. Nobody should have to be careful talking about that subject for her sake. It’s so stupid. I would’ve put them all in their place after the dinner scene. But keep them all blocked for right now because this is a happy moment for you and all they’re gonna do is make you feel bad. Enjoy it and let them be children. Congratulations 💝😌

yeah, you're probably gonna have to cut off your whole family if your sister refuses to seek help with therapy and if your parents refuse to stop enabling her. they're basically asking for you to pretend you don't exist to spare your sister's feelings.

okay, they absolutely want to avoid any mention or sight of you and your growing belly; they don't want to throw or go to a baby shower for you; they aren't happy for you at all because your fragile sister's feelings take precedence over what should be a new and exciting experience.

so they want to pretend your pregnancy isn't happening... and then what? I highly doubt it's just the pregnancy itself that would be "triggering" for your sister; the inevitable end result of a living, breathing baby would also make her unstable. so then she'll refuse to see, greet, hold, or even be in the same room as the baby. and then what? when does it end? would she be able to stomach seeing your child? would she ever be able to be near you or your child without being triggered that she hasn't been able to produce one of her own? could she handle you ever mentioning the kid? would you have to make sure the kid never came up in conversation, you never showed pictures of it, etc.?

this is absolutely a hill to die on. they can't keep their heads in the sand and pretend that your upcoming baby doesn't exist; this child is not a "problem" that will eventually go away; the addition to your family is a permanent change that cannot be ignored. frankly, I'm shocked that they haven't asked you to consider abortion to spare your sister's feelings. either your sister gets help for her mental condition, or you go no/very limited contact with your parents and sister indefinitely. that's my two cents, anyway.

If it makes you feel better your sister should be happy for you. As you say tge world does not turn around anybody. She really needs professional help, not an artificial fertilityless/babyless environment.

NTA - What the hell? My younger sister and I both have a genetic illness that causes greatly reduced fertility - potentially infertility. I was told I was infertile. My sister had a milder case and was just told it would be difficult for her to have a child. A month after I found out I was infertile... I found out I was pregnant. Even though I knew my sister would be devastated, she was the second person I told. I wanted to share the experience with her, and I knew in the long run she would appreciate it.

She certainly did NOT at the time. She was very upset - though it wasn't really directed at me, just at her not being pregnant herself. But the situation was very explosive for very many months.

She told me I would be a terrible mother, that I would never be able to raise my child.

She even told me that she wished I had a miscarriage, or still birth. It was definitely very upsetting, particularly as my pregnancy was classed as very high risk.

My child is 4 now. My sister is still childless, but trying. I have a second child and just started trying for my third. My sister's illness has gotten worse, mine has gotten better. But our relationship has evened out nicely. She adores being an aunt, and had apologized for her behavior. It obviously does not make up for the things she said but it is a step. We had no issues during my second pregnancy, just her 'jokingly' being mad. Just told her we started trying for baby no. 3 and she is a little upset but understands - she's excited to be an aunty again. She's happy I told her about my pregnancies despite her difficulties because bringing a child into the world is a great thing, regardless.

Its fucked up that because of her unfortunate situation, you don't get to share your amazing happiness. I understand that she is hurting, and this is very serious to her, but there are plenty of other ways to start a family. Life rarely goes by plan. In supporting her they are neglecting you. You both are equally important. I did not speak to my parents barely at all my first pregnancy because of things that were said when I happily told them, and had months of not speaking during my second. It was like my hormones made my Mom insane, and me totally unable/unwilling to deal with it. Like, be happy or shut up! You deserve happiness too.

You should have waited.
In Asian culture, we wait till you are in your 2-3rd trimester before telling everyone. Evil eye is a real thing, even if unintentional by the gaizer. It's a universal concept. The physical manifestation of negative energy- leading to miscarriages and other problems.

I completely disagree. OP needs to focus on herself and be healthy (including emotionally) during her pregnancy, so that means cutting toxic people out of her life. OP's priority is her baby now. Her family owes her an apology.

This should be a very exciting occasion and her family is ruining it with petty squabbling over her sisters feelings. They should be supporting her. If they can’t be supportive, they ought to bow out of every event surrounding the pregnancy and childbirth. Don’t let them play happy grandparent once the child arrives if they’re miserable to her during the pregnancy.

This is so ridiculous it's believable. The world doesn't revolve around your sister and her fertility issues. If they're willing to go to these lengths - enacting a shameful smear campaign against you and your growing family because your sister can't get preggo - what else will they do in your sister's name?

You tried to share something you're happy about with your family and they were more concerned with saving face around your short-fused, over-emotional, selfish sister. They sound like a bunch of narcissists to me. I'm so sorry this is happening and afraid to say it's more common than you think.

Have you talked to other family members separately, such as grandparents, cousins or aunts/uncles? They may only be hearing one side of the story and not know everything that's going on. If you can get some family members on your side, particularly grandparents, it can help iron out this enabling behaviour. As for your sister, she can't expect everyone to drop their family-building plans for her. She needs to be more mature than this.

I would be careful around her from now on; I've seen and heard of too many stories where people have tried to overrun someone's pregnancy/birth/childrearing because of their mombie perspective. May I suggest r/justNOfamily for more support? They can help you work around this issue and hopefully gather some more allies.

Why did everybody have to make your pregnancy about her?! Come on, this is a huge joy for you. She’s going through an awful time and that’s hard, but the entire world keeps on moving and she’s going to have to learn some coping techniques, especially if she eventually is going to have a child of her own and run on minimal sleep taking care of someone else’s needs above her own. I’d say she’s not ready to have a kid if she has to make your pregnancy about her.

I mean yeah your sister's being pretty stupid and all, but what did you fucking expect? You knew she'd react this way, she wasn't suddenly going to change. Sorry to say, but it sounds like you were intentionally trying to hurt her when you could have just avoided the topic with her.

Let me make a parallel if you will: if someone has PTSD from the war, you don't bring them to watch fireworks. It's dumb, fireworks are still happening and they're harmless, but it doesn't change the fact that they at this point in their lives do not want to be confronted to that because it terrorizes them, or brings up immense grief. You can rationalize it all day to them, that is how they feel.

You know, your sister might legit be traumatized. And "suck it up, buttercup" just isn't the way to go with this. She needs therapy and understanding from everyone else until she gets better. In your case, that can mean avoiding her altogether.

Yes, your parents were needlessly harsh to you, especially since this is a time where you also absolutely need your family's support, but I don't think they were wrong with how they dealt with your sister (except for not getting her into therapy asap). They were wrong with how they treated you.

Don’t let them see your baby when it’s born. They lost their chance. They’ll feel entitled, and probably your sister too. That’s unforgivable, the way they enable your sister and her grief. She needs to combat it in a better way. People get pregnant, it doesn’t stop just for her.

I find the comment that “you’re jealous of her!” Made by your mother so funny. You have nothing to be jealous of, she’s jealous of you not the other way around! She needs to get help, it’s crazy how many people have problems getting pregnant, so she’s not the only one but she needs to get over being so sensitive about it. Even if you did hide it from her and waited until it was born she still would have been upset because you had a child and she hasn’t. It isn’t your fault for getting pregnant, having the ability to, and talking about this happy moment. It’s extremely selfish of her to not be happy that you don’t have the same problem as her and that you can bask in the glory of having a child. I get it that it’s tough thing to go through, but you shouldn’t never get pregnant and miss the change of having children because of her sensitive feelings. I would just keep them blocked for the time being and do you. Have you got in contact with your bother at all? I feel like you guys can relate on your parents and sisters selfishness.

Edit:

Someone commented about not letting your child be in your families life until they apologize and I 100% agree with that. They wanted to be hateful to about having it, don’t let them get to enjoy having a grandchild until they realized what they’ve done.

Also what does your sister do when she sees children in public? Does she start crying and get angry with the parents because how dare that have children let alone bring them to a public place she might visit? When a friend of hers announces it on Facebook does she block them? Her selfishness is incredible to me and I hope she doesn’t do these crazy things I just mentioned.

I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but I don’t think most of you guys understand what going through infertility is like.

A lot of women trying to get pregnant have friends of similar age and life situation, and with the prominence of social media, that can mean a pretty constant stream of online pregnancy announcements and gender reveals. Meanwhile, every month they’re getting a reminder of how (in their mind) their body is failing to do what it’s supposed to.

Each negative pregnancy test sucks horribly and it gets worse the longer it goes on and the more intense the infertility treatment method gets (timed/IUI/IVF) because you progressively run out of options. Compound that with being bombarded on social media with professional pregnancy photo shoots...it really really sucks.

I definitely think not telling your sister you’re pregnant is a horrible idea. However, you absolutely have to come at it from a place of compassion and empathy. And the attitude that you “don't feel like hiding my pregnancy from my own sister just because her precious feelings might get hurt” and “She has to deal with it” sounds like you have no clue what she’s going through.

When we were a year and a half or so into unsuccessfully trying, my wife had had somewhat similar (but milder) responses to hearing about pregnancy as your sister. Then my brother in law and his wife got pregnant. The dude is one of the most thoughtful people I’ve met; here’s how he handled it. Early on in the pregnancy
—before my wife would here about it from anyone/anywhere else—he wrote my wife a letter saying that he was really thinking about us and knew how difficult it must be for her, and wanted to let her know before she heard it anywhere else because he knew it must be tough to constantly hear pregnancy announcements. That’s how this situation should be handled.

But I’ll be honest, the fact you think that she needs to “just deal with it” sort of makes me question how much you understand what she’s going through.

You literally could not win in this situation. Had you not told her and hid your pregnancy till the baby was born (super weird ask, btw) she would have been upset and mad when you had a surprise baby. At least this way she will have time to process before the baby is born. Also she probably would have found out anyways... do your parents not realize that social media is a thing? And the she would be mad that you hid it from her. I’m sorry you are in this situation. You did nothing wrong.

I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I'm in the same situation with my sister in law. My brother's wife has struggled with fertility issues and the only way I'm allowed contact with him or his wife is with the condition of no mention of babies. I'm almost 21 weeks and really showing now so we don't meet in person.

Luckily for me my parents think it's absolutely insane and severely dislike her reaction to all this. Unfortunately my brother remains on her side and will have no part in my child's life most likely.

I absolutely understand it is difficult and heart breaking for your sister, but just like you said, the world does not stop. People aren't going to stop getting pregnant because she can't. And she needs to learn to be happy for other people. Or I imagine a lot of people will be dropping contact with her as well.

I would reassess your relationship with the family. I'm gobsmacked that your parents would tell you to wait until your child is born to tell your sister, that is not even remotely reasonable. Not to mention if you have any form of social media.

Wow. What the fuck. You are so spectacularly not in the wrong here. Your sister is clearly being a spoiled princess here. I feel for her that it's obviously hard for her but jesus wept, she should really be able to be happy for you, even if it's hard for her, and your parents are obviously enabling and feeding her narcissism. Her happiness does NOT trump yours. I'm so sorry that your family are behaving this way. If I were you I'd surround yourself with friends and loved ones who will celebrate your joy and avoid those who are obviously trying to ensure everyone else is as unhappy as your sister is clearly determined to be.

Sorry this happened to you OP! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you can still find some happiness during this chaotic time.

I think you shouldn’t allow your parents to meet the baby until you receive a sincere and heartfelt apology. They acted terrible!

But more importantly you should not allow your sister any contact with the baby under any circumstances until a mental health professional gives their ok. It clearly seems like she has some mental health issues so who knows what’s going on in her head and she thinks if she can’t have a baby other people can’t either.
I don’t want to scare you and maybe I’m completely wrong but I would just want to be sure.

All you got to know is that YOU are in the right not your parents. Be happy and enjoy your new life with your child. If they can’t support you and see through her feeling then they aren’t very good parents.

Your family has some serious issues and should probably seek counseling individually and together. At least your mom/sister. I understand she’s had a very difficult time with getting pregnant and that this is a sensitive topic for her, but to make it not okay for anyone else to have a baby is seriously fucked. She needs help dealing with this trauma, and not by ignoring the topic and making everyone else tiptoe around it as well.

Congratulations to you and your SO! I am sure you have not heard that enough from your family.

I agree with what others have said- your sister needs a therapist ASAP. I get that infertility is devastating, but it sounds like there is more going on. A baby or a pregnancy won't cure emotional issues -if anything they become more profound with the increased stress.

Your family also needs a reality check, ASAP. This should be a happy time for everyone. Your parents should be happy for you. It's expected that your sister would be upset or jealous, there is no excuse for her acting psychotic or malicious. Very soon there will be a baby in the family and that little life deserves the love and support of their grandparents and aunt. You also deserve the love and support of your family during your first pregnancy.

I would flat out tell your sister boofuckinghoo, shit happens and she sounds like a complete whiny bitch, take it from someone who cut half his family out of his life for being toxic, it is SO much better! Keep them blocked permanently and you will start to realize how great it is not dealing with bullshit like that! By no means ever apologize for their idiocy, keep on being strong.

You got some good advice here. All that aside, please try not to get too stressed during your pregnancy. It is very bad for the baby. Just continue to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can and put your Family on an information diet.

As someone who has been going through fertility for 8 years (unsuccessfully), the world does not stop moving simply for your sister. Is it hard? Yes, but she has to deal with it in a way that doesn’t shame every other woman who gets pregnant because she can’t. You have the right to be happy about your pregnancy and it seems that you thought about her feelings before telling her and that’s all you can truly do. Your sister needs therapy, that seems like the only thing that will help her at this point.

I couldn’t have kids and yeah I’d get a little hurt when I’d find out about others being pregnant but I still congratulated them and was happy for them. I certainly wouldn’t wish what I was going through on anyone. I had to deal with the loss of my dream of a family for nineteen years. We ended up having an unexpected opportunity to adopt so we did become parents finally.

With that said you sister needs help. Trying to keep baby news from her is an extremely unhealthy way to handle it. She can’t go through life blaming others for making her sad. She has to mourn and deal with her loss.

It took me 5 years, a lot of medical interventions and a miscarriage before I had a child. During that time, while I was trying to get pregnant I was very vulnerable- emotionally you’re on a rollercoaster. Every month you hope that this month might be the one. That maybe your period will not come. You hope, you dream then reality hits and every month you feel the chance of a baby running out of your body. Time and hope running out.

It’s not reasonable - I’m ashamed to say I did stop being friends with people who got pregnant because I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to fake being happy for them.

Having said that. I knew that life goes on and that at some stage I would need to focus on something else. I never stopped people talking about babies and I would never cry and run out of a room even if I would slowly silently die inside while people talked about babies because even at the lowest point I knew THE WHOLE WORLD IS NOT ABOUT ME.

It’s something your sister and your parents need to learn. They are doing her no favours in treating her like this. In fact it’s very damaging to be cutting her off from reality. Life is hard enough without knowing that everyone is tiptoeing around you, lying & keeping stuff from you.

It is completely unrealistic and offensive for anyone (especially your parents) to expect you to hide your pregnancy. Pregnancy is wonderful and slightly scary (so many physical and emotional changes, it’s exhilarating).

Being pregnant is also an emotional rollercoaster. You need support too. They are so caught up in the drama and heartbreak surrounding your sister that they have helped enable that they are not seeing things clearly. They treated you awfully.

I think you made the right decision to tell your sister now. You handled it as well as anyone could have. Her reaction and your parents reaction is not on you. She needed to know as she needs time to process before the baby arrives. You’re family need to think things through and apologise for their behaviour. I hope they do this. Otherwise they will miss out on so much. That is their decision though. Not yours. You did the right thing. You and your husband are the only adults in this entire situation.

Well done to your husband for having your back. You’re both going to be amazing parents. You sound like you have a solid relationship and I’m really happy for you.

Since your own family didn’t do this, congratulations!!! This is such an exciting time in your life and I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy! As much as this sucks, I think it shows you that your parents do not prioritize you and you sister is selfish AF, but surround yourself with people that love you and your growing family. <3

I don't know if my view will help, but I can't have children. There was a time when I was so angry with my body and the world as a whole that I became totally unreasonable. Our friends were having a baby and I cried for two hours when they sent us scan photos and refused to go to a party they were having that weekend. I couldn't look at pregnant women in the street. It was like I was drowning until with therapy I realised I didn't want their babies at all, I wanted mine. Looking back I don't even recognise who i was back then and likely that person wouldn't understand how now i can get excited for people and shop for gifts for their babies without a problem. I have accepted that I will never get pregnant and that is okay now.

What wouldn't have helped me is what your parents are doing. Sure, softening the blow is one thing, for example texting rather than saying face to face, but outright denying a pregnancy is happening won't make things better. If my sister had just turned up with a baby it would have been worse as I would have had no time to adjust beforehand. I am guessing your parents are terrified about your sisters mental health just now and think what they are doing is the best thing, but it isn't.

She needs therapy and a way to refocus her path in life to a stage where a baby would enhance it, but isn't solely responsible for fixing that howling void inside. It is even more important that this happens before she has a child as several people I know have eventually had babies and ended up with PPD as the reality is so different from the fantasy in their heads of the perfect family. Your parents also have to take part in this as enabling her will not be good in the long run.

Your sister can be treated kindly while also leaving space for you to be happy and excited about your forthcoming baby. Your parents need to find a balance between supporting both of their children, even if this does mean keeping space between them for now.

I understand that they sympathize with the sister, but all their reactions were out of proportion. I get that maybe out of jealousy of the pregnancy people would act out angry. But when people cool off, they usually realize that they were projecting and apologize.

I get her sister feels sad and upset that her pregnancies are not coming along. But to cry and storm off every time and guilt trip others? She is 33, not 12. She will see babies on tv, on the street, baby food and clothes in stores, even someone calling their partner affectionately "baby".. She needs to get help so she can regulate her emotions, sees different perspectives and just can hang in there in a more healthy way until she gets pregnant. Her parents are being severely overprotective and putting her on a pedestal at the cost of their other children. They are literally prepared to be abusive towards family for mentioning anything that entails a baby.

My gut reaction would be to go silent. Cut (some of) the family off for the whole pregnancy and possibly beyond. They are only miserable and toxic and show no interest in the pregnancy or acceptance of OP’s baby. Why keep them around if they are just going to be resentful and make the pregnancy a sad affair? If they get angry over being cut off, the OP could just mention that their lack of interest in her pregnancy meant they were not interested in their grandchild. And that if they want to protect the sister, then OP and her child can not be near them until the sister has a baby. And above all, the day that they can genuinely apologize for behaving the way they did, they are welcome in OP's life.

This might be too much for the OP, but with these disproportionate toxic reactions and zero interest in the pregnancy or the child, I would say, life is too short to surround yourself with people who only insult, blame and resent you. Stick around people who can be happy with you and support you during your pregnancy and beyond.

Congratulations on your baby! That’s exciting news, I’m sorry your family took that moment from you.

There was no right way to break the news to your sister. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. We know what happened when you did, but if you didn’t, she could’ve twisted it around saying that not telling her was insensitive and wrong.

Until they can admit their wrongs and apologize, I think you’re better off without the toxicity of your family.

Lol like she will not notice when you start growing your belly and at that point it will make it even worse since you have been lyng to her for 6months... She needs to get her shit together and move on.

I'd go visit her, get her alone. "i have some beautyfull news, our parents said not to tell you but i don't want to lie to you because i love you, i'm pregnant" something along these lines of "i don't want to lie to you even if it's gonna hurt a bit" being open with people brings much less pain than hiding stuff and lieing

Congratulations on the baby, as well for as having such a great husband. I’m sure it was very difficult for him to make that decision to do that to someone in your family, but he was completely justified and protected you like he should. I’m sure he’s going to be a great father 😊

Yes it sucks your sister cant have kids atm but why should that put your life on hold. Should you have just never seen her again once you got pregnant? Yes she may be upset you got pregnant but to accuse you of those things?! Does sound like your parents have been putting these ideas in her head though...

Stick up for yourself. If they want to miss out on their chance with their grandchild niece/nephew then thats their problem. I hope your sister goes to therapy and gets the support she needs. She clearly doesnt need her parents enabling this kind of behaviour.

OP I say this with the best of intentions. Do not I repeat DO NOT leave your child alone with your sister ever. There is a possibility she could harm the child in some way because of her severe jealousy and twisted mind.

Your whole family is batshit crazy. Your sister is in serious need of mental help and your whole family is enabling her to a ridiculous degree. The idea that you should be expected to hide your entire pregnancy from your sister because she’s acting like a child is just insane. If she’s THAT sensitive about it that you aren’t even allowed to look pregnant without her and your whole family going off at you, everyone would be crazy to think the same wouldn’t happen when you appear with a baby.

You need to look after your self and your child by keeping these people far away from you. If your sister is this unstable about not having a child, I’d be concerned that your family might start pressuring you to give her yours.

I hate to say this, but... your sister needs therapy. Your parents are being unrealistic about her feelings and it seems like they're putting her before you. That's unfair. Do they expect you never to show up for family functions, or hide any aspect of the pregnancy/baby for...ever? Are they supposed to visit you in secret?

I think therapy will heal her. Her feelings are understandable but out of control.

Congratulations and happy mother's day. Good on you having a husband with sense.

The family's rule is fine, but this level of enforcement is bizzare. Crying to mom cuse your sister hurt your feelings at 34? And having mom buy into it enough to go to your house and tell you off? Sister isn't too far in the wrong, though she can't expect that treatment forever. Your mom was way out of line.

My best friend and her sister have PCOS. I understand how heartbreaking it can be to try and fail to have children over and over again. But breaking down at the mere mention of someone else having a baby? She needs therapy. And everyone else sheltering her is making it so much worse. She needs to come to terms with reality and learn to cope. She may never have her own child, and that fucking sucks. But making the world walk on eggshells around her her whole life is impossible, and more importantly, it isn't healthy.

I would focus on this as a mental health issue going forward. Every time she avoids her trigger she is giving it more power over her. The issue is not that you were insensitive and upset your sister. The issue is that your sister is incapable of regulating her emotions in a healthy way and needs help. Your family is trying to help, but that's not the kind of help she needs.

Wait... I'm still really confused... I caught the sense you all saw each other pretty regularly... So... Did they just expect you to show up to family dinner one night WITH A WHOLE ASS BABY.... That seems like it would be super extra awkward....

It should take YOU a long to forgive them, if you even can. What's terrible time for them to be such assholes. Look up golden child/scapegoat dynamics, sounds like you are the scapegoat. They won't change. Enjoy building a new life with the family you choose.

Jesus. If they don't want to know about the baby, it sounds like they shouldn't be seeing them once they're around. This sounds absolutely insane, and I'm not sure they're in the right headspace to be around your child (ESPECIALLY your sister, but the whole family, too. And definitely not unsupervised).

I think your sister needs therapy asap. If your parents continue to enable her and support her view that other people's babies /pregnancies are a personal insult... well, that ends up with your sister handing out baby bottles filled with bleach at the mall as 'punishment' to all the insensitive women who are shoving their fertility in her face.

Congratulations on your baby and don't let your relations get you down; they all have a lot of growing up to do and are being irrational, selfish and cruel.

Furthermore, wtf golden child bullshit is this situation? The fact that they can’t be happy for you is insanity and frankly the whole situation smacks of narcissism. You did the right thing and you married a good guy.

Theyre in the wrong! Also, my advice: please, please enjoy this pregnancy! I always assumed I'd have 3 babies... So 3 pregnancies to enjoy. That's not the case, I will only have 1 and it makes me sad I wasnt able to embrace my pregnancy more(I.e. a baby shower, enjoying such a large belly etc), I just took for granted the idea that I'd have more. To be very clear I am beyond grateful for my one and only!! Also, congrats!! Congrats! Congrats! Maybe your husband's side of the fam will pick up your fams slack!

*Edit to say: I think you shpuld share this feed with your family. They need to be called out on their thoughtless behavior. Thisis their FUTURE GRANDCHILD!!

I'm late to the party here, but I am so sorry your family is putting you in this awful position. I am infertile, but it's no one else's responsibility to protect my feelings. It's up to me to work through my feelings, and therapy has played a huge part in that.

My little sister and her husband got pregnant on their wedding night (I had been trying 5 years at that point) and they were very respectful about it around me, but knew I was there to support them. I was even in the delivery room with my sister. It was an incredible bonding experience for us.

You don't owe your sister or your family anything. If they can't support you, why should you have to put your life on hold and walk on eggshells for them? Nope. I hope things get better for you.

your sister is immature. granted, i’m sure it’s very difficult to try and fail to get pregnant but there’s tons of babies to adopt. your family is treating you like chopped liver , so they deserve to get blocked. congratulations on your pregnancy!

You guys are adult. Your parents should not be telling you what you are allowed to talk about, because you are not a baby anymore. And they also should not be enabling her childish behaviour, because she also is not a baby anymore.

Edit: also, you shoild tell your parents how disappointed you are that they don't even seem to be happy about your baby. You are also their daughter snd if they love you they should be excited for you.

First of all, she’s gonna figure out you’re pregnant at some point.
Second of all, they don’t deserve to take your happiness away from you for something you nor anyone can change.

I just had a baby, my boyfriends sister (who’s 4 years younger than I am) has had two miscarriages and was pretty fucking awful to me when the family found out we were expecting.
It happens, people are bitter
But pregnancy is beautiful (even when it’s crappy), enjoy it while you can because it goes so quickly.
I wish I enjoyed mine more

Edit : also they’re terrible for treating you that way, you’re pregnant and stress is NOT good for you or the baby. To not let someone be happy just because you aren’t isn’t fair. You deserve so much better also good on your husband for standing up for you!.

Happy Mother’s Day, I hope things get better but please take care of yourself and put yourself first it isn’t selfish, at all.

Edited for spelling... may not have caught all the errors. I was pretty fired up writing this.

First of all your sister is a product of your parents walking on eggshells and enabling this type of entitled attitude. They have done her no favors! I feel awful for your sister don’t get me wrong. I can’t imagine facing fertility issues and knowing others around me are starting a family easily. However she is your sister! She should have been hurt that you waited so long to share the news and said that of course she would want to know what is happening in your life during this exciting time! Ecstatic to become an aunt! She needs to get over herself man! If she hasn’t always been this way then maybe keep in mind IVF drugs can make people a little cray cray. Doesn’t excuse your parents though and you probably would have been better off telling her when you originally wanted to.

I am so sorry your family has deemed your pregnancy as not as important as your sisters fertility problems. I’m sure that wasn’t their intent. They are probably doing the best that they can and meant well but you have every right to point out to them that in the process they have hurt and disappointed you greatly and that you feel they have not respected the fact that you are bringing new life into the world and they should have shown and shared a little more excitement not to mention support. You are just as important as your sister as is your baby. This is absolutely absurd. They have multiple children and should treat them all equally not make the one struggling the most at the moment the main focus and most important.

Enjoy this time in your life honey! They have to live with their choices when they reflect back on them but I do feel they owe you a giant baby shower and a big fat apology!!! Honestly it sounds like it is them and not you! Don’t let it steal the wind out of your sails! If it will make you feel better then tell them how you feel with out sinking to their level. If not, F them and do you girl! You can’t put your life on hold to cheer up your sister and she shouldn’t want you to!!! Don’t hide your excitement for others. Pregnancy is a special time and you may miss it when it is over. Don’t dim your joy for anyone ever! If she wants a baby so badly she should have understood how happy you must been and not rained on your parade. She sounds like an immature pill and hopefully she out grows that type of behavior before she finds herself dealing with a baby. Children shouldn’t raise children.

First of all your sister is a product of your parents walking on eggshells and enabling this type of entitled attitude. They have done her no favors! I feel awful for your sister don’t get me wrong. I can’t imagine facing fertility issues and knowing others around me are starting a family easily. However she is your sister! She should have been hurt that you waited so long to share the news and said that would of course would want to know what is happening in your life during this exciting time! Ecstatic to become an aunt! She needs to get over herself man! If she hasn’t always been this way then maybe keep in mind IVF drugs can make people a little cray cray. Doesn’t excise your parents though and you probably would have been better off telling her when you originally wanted to.

But they very clearly deemed that the sisters fertility problems, heck even the sister's pwecious fweelings outrank OP's actual pregnancy. I don't know why you think that wasn't her parents intent, because it's pretty clear. Just because you don't like to think that would be someone's intent doesn't change the reality of what's happening, and sometimes it feels belittling to tell someone "oh, but they didn't mean to, and they're mistreating you out of love, they're doing the best they can, they meant well!

Honestly, her parents are adults, who have raised several, fully-grown adult children. They know exactly what they're doing, it's not out of love for OP at all, but out of favoritism and cruelty.

Re read my comment with a difference lens. I 100% had the OP’s back and in no way excused the parent’s behavior ever. In fact I said the opposite. And I said they probably meant well meaning they thought they were helping the sister and protecting her but in doing so hurt and disappointed OP. I also called the idea absurd and said they lacked respect for OP so if you are going to quote me use my actually words. Never did I say anything about accepting the behavior or that they did anything out of love for OP. With that said ...I also don’t like to kick people while they are down and being I don’t know OP sister or her parents, I’m not gonna come out guns blazing like she needs to cut them out for life and hammer home how crappy they treated her. It’s pretty clear she feels bad enough. Maybe you misunderstood the tone of my comment at times while I attempted not to murder strangers with my words and tried to offer that maybe they have some kind of redeeming quality to make OP feel a little better. OP also never referenced anything prior to the situation with the sister having fertility issues that were there had ever been issues like this within the family dynamic before this baby issue so why should I jump to conclusions like they have always treated OP so rudely. If you took my attempt at showing this internet stranger and her family a little compassion and suggested that maybe the parents enabled her brat of a sister and used poor judgment in trying to protect her feelings over OP as being belittling.... sorry. That is your perception and I can only hope OP read it how I meant it.

They sound like a bunch of morons. I'm sorry your sister is having trouble getting pregnant, but what would they have said if it turned out that she will never get pregnant, expect you to not have kids to avoid upsetting your sister? I think she needs to go to therapy and your parents should apologize to you and your husband.

The problem with their approach is that she is not going to be able to deal with her grief if everyone just pretends like nothing is a problem. I'm sure it's traumatic and upsetting for her, but this is not something she can control or should expect other people to cater to.

This situation is extremely weird, and it must be very hard for you. Your husband is a good guy. Breaking contact was a good thing.

Congratulations to you both! Beautiful times are coming! Concentrate on YOUR family, not your parents, your sister ect, but your family (husband and child to come). Don't let anyone break what you're building, your responsabilities aren't the same anymore.

Secondly; It sounds as though counseling and/or therapy would do your sister a world of good. I don’t understand the emotional pain she’s going though with infertility but I’m deeply sorry she’s having these problems.

Thirdly; your parents need to stop enabling her, she’s not going to get better if they want all sensitive or touchy subjects hush- hush, you can’t learn or grow as a person without dealing with some tough scenarios.

I don’t understand how you having the baby in secret would have soften the blow?
You’d still have your baby and your sister wouldn’t.

Jesus fuck your family is insane. I've lost a pregnancy and we're ttc again now, but when/if family and/or friends tell us there expecting we're happy for them. Yes it hurts knowing they've had an easier time conceiving, but plenty of people have babies and it's not like they're doing it to specifically spite you

That sucks and I would be very upset if o were your sister and couldn’t conceive that being said... she needs to get help! People aren’t going to stop getting pregnant because she can’t. She needs to deal with that professionally and your parents need to stop walking in egg shells around her. This is awful to hear and by the way congrats OP!

So your parents expected you to hide from your sister for 9 months and then appear with a baby?

Putting aside the (ir)rationality or otherwise of your sister’s behaviour, I can’t see how suddenly appearing with a child will be better or easier for her. At least she has time to prepare herself for this.

You got enough to worry about with this baby. Don’t feel bad that others want to be so miserable in life that they can’t even find a moment to think about someone else. You do what you have to do to keep your sanity. If that means going no contact with your family, then do that. Don’t let them guilt you for wanting to not be made to feel shitty over something that you have no control over. Your mother is being absolutely ridiculous.

They are fueling her denial to deal with her very sad situation. I can understand they were trying to keep peace but this escalated to enabling her anxieties.

I agree that they considered her wellbeing over yours in every aspect it seems very toxic.

I would just leave them be I'm willing to bet they will change their tune when they want to see the baby so you need to probably decide if you want them in your kids life because if you are having A family this is just too toxic environment for you and your hubby and baby.

The brother I would have thought he would side with you since he's experienced her unreasonable reactions.

Firstly, congratulations to you and your husband on expecting your first child! What exciting times lay ahead for you both!!

Secondly, you are not self-centred nor are you selfish. Your sister has some issues that she really needs to deal with and your parents need to stop protecting her from the real world. I wouldn't have any contact with your family to be honest, you don't need that stress in your life and the way they treated you is down right despicable.

Your family has been showing you who they are for a long time, maybe you should start listening and put some distance to them. You cant just delete your baby nor child from existence, assuming your sister is going ti getnupset each time she is reminded that you have a child and she doesnt. She needs extensive therapy and your parents need to stop enabling her because they are making her situation worst. I would cut them out.

Right now, the priority is to minimize your stress while pregnant. No contact with your family who clearly only care about themselves and not getting the sister help. You have been as respectful as possible - but seriously, when was it going to be okay?

If you had the baby and told her then, she'd be upset because you'd be having baby showers and picking names and decorating a nursery and she didn't get that experience.

Would it stop at the child's 1st birthday? 2nd? 3rd? 5th? 10th? Every child birthday, holiday, or milestone would be a reminder to the sister who - while it's incredibly unfortunate she has been unable to get pregnant - that she is missing out.

How long would you have to hide the truth of your life for the sake of her comfort?

Turn your thoughts inwards and minimize stress, let your husband fend off your crazy family, and do your best to guarantee your child has an easy transition into this world.

Seriously consider if this is new toxic behavior just due to the sensitive nature of infertility or if it's ALWAYS been a problem in your family that you're only just now noticing because of the fact you're being actively punished for having a child when the "favorite" daughter was unable. It may be enlightening to know if there's a chance for reconciliation or not based on past behavior.

Also, consider your sister may have enjoyed the attention as the one about to have children and now is doubling down to keep the attention/love/support from your parents.

Your sister needs to grow to. Like you say, life has to go on and she can’t use this as an excuse to have a tantrum. Does she cry when she sees someone on tv pregnant? Or a co worker?

My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time. Her baby was stillborn at 20 weeks. It was the second time it happened to her and I was on my second healthy pregnancy. We were all devastated of course, and it took her a few weeks to be able to see me. But when my baby was born she was there, with open loving arms for us.

Wow. Okay. No contact with that family. You don't need that right now - if they want to all walk on eggshells around your sister, let them. She's obviously used to it, given she's acting like a complete brat. Yes, what happened to her sucked - but her exploding at everyone whenever babies or pregnancy is mentioned is completely ridiculous.

How dare your family be so rude. OMG. Seriously. Their behavior is completely unacceptable, all around. It's literally toxic. I would honestly just go no contact for a couples years, let them sort out their own ugliness. You don't need that with a new baby.

Your mum and Dad sounds very selfish. They don't care about you, Just your sister. It seems like she's the golden child. She obviously needs help, though. It isn't an easy thing to get over, atleast not without professional help.

I am the product of 6 IVFs. The 5 pregnancies my hero of a mum had before me miscarriaged, one of them were twins. Since I am typing this now, you can see it isn't all hopeless. If your sister gets professional help, maybe she is able to try again some other time.

Hey. I’ve gone through two IVF cycles with only a miscarriage to show for it. FWIW, you’re absolutely right to want to be the one to announce to your sister that you’re pregnant. Your sister can’t demand that the world stops spinning just because she’s dealing with difficulties. Does it hurt? Of course. But it’s not like you rubbed it in her face. You treated her like a person (who should be able to put her own pain aside for the sake of her sister’s happiness) and not a fragile creature. She should be happy that at least one of you isn’t going through the hell that is IVF and infertility.
Congratulations!!

First, congratulations to you and your husband for your coming squish!
Your sister needs therapy and maybe if she tries being happy for you and others who are pregnant, she will increase her chances of getting pregnant herself. Her throwing fits at the mention or sight of pregnant women is an indication of how much resistance she has towards pregnancy and is very likely to keep her in a barren state. There has also been many cases where couples unable to conceive decide to adopt a child and then become pregnant themselves. Your sister should learn to accept and take real joy in the pregnancy of others and it could make a crucial difference in her own pregnancy efforts.

First of all. Congratulations! That’s amazing news, it’s a shame your family can’t share this with you. I hope you still get to enjoy your pregnancy and are looking forward to starting a new family.

I’m sorry for your sisters struggles, it’s very sad. It sounds like she needs therapy to help her deal with it - not your parents enablement.

If you didn’t tell your sister now, she when your baby was born, she wouldn’t have taken the news any better. Give your family some time to cool down. Hopefully they will realise what they are missing out on - their new grandchild/ niece / nephew. But if they don’t, it sounds like you have a good support network with your husband, you will manage without them. Good luck!

Your sister is being coddled by your parents and needs therapy. Both she and your parents are abusive. I think the best thing you can do is cut ties. They'll downplay your child forever to spare her feelings and you don't want your kid growing up around grandparents and an aunt like that. At best they'll be cold and avoidant of your child, at worst outright abuse it for daring to exist when she doesn't have kids of her own.

Also, gotta love how things turn out sometimes. Such a petty, evil, manipulative, abusive b_tch is not fit to be a mom and the fact that she can't have children is a blessing to those unborn kids who otherwise would've had to grow up dealing with that for a parent.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Best of luck to you, your husband and your child. I hope for a healthy baby and for your family to be a happy one.

When I was single, it did sting a bit when my brother got engaged. I had hoped my 3 year relationship would end in marriage, but that wasn't the case. Online dating apps were water water every where and not a drop to drink. I couldn't even find a date to his wedding, and I had plenty of notice.

At the wedding itself, I did feel a little morose, but my emotional problems are my problems - no one else's. Life moves on, years later I'm happily married with two little ones and another on the way.

I understand wanting a biological baby of your own, but there are plenty of other options. Adoption, foster care, volunteering at organizations, becoming a nanny/daycare provider. There's no shortage in the need for maternal figures.

you are starting your own family, your husband seems to have his life in order. What an awesome guy for throwing your mom out.

Cutting off the rotten family you had. You do not need these people or have any obligations towards them. What they are doing is the most selfish thing ever and trying to project their selfishness on you is a horrible thing.

You sound like a normal person living in a crazy family (the irony of your mother claiming you’re the selfish one). It seems like your sister is narcissistic and your parents are enablers, you’re right to not want to go along with their bullshit.

Your sister should get some (mental healthcare) therapy. Seems to me she's on a negative spiral. Your parents are trying to protect her, but while amicable, this is not helping. If left untreated, over time it will only get worse.

So sorry that ended badly with your sis and mum.
I think you did the right thing. This way there way time for sister to adjust to the Idea before the birth. If you hadn't she have had the same guy reaction and felt lied to. Just avoid pregnancy updates.
Don't know how to deal with your mum. She's harming you for the other.
Also I thing fertility counselling is a thing.

This whole thing would make it easier to cut people off from my unborn child’s life easily. You should too they are toxic and you don’t need this toxicity during your pregnancy especially. While i feel sad for your sister she needs to stop being coddled oh well get therapy if it’s that traumatic for you. The world doesn’t revolve around her and your parents are making it seem that way

My sister is a lot older than I am, but I married first (v young, which was nuts but thankfully it worked out because Husband is the greatest). After, our obnoxious relatives were all up her ass about her getting married & TBH, I think she rushed into her first (disastrous) marriage partly because of it.

So Husband & I wanted to wait to have kids because we were only in our early 20s. During that time, my sister first tried IVF, only to find out her chances of actually having a baby were slim to none. Then she tried adoption but then her marriage fell apart.

My mother immediately forbade me or anyone else talking about pregnancy & at the time, I was fine with that since I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids yet.

Then she got remarried to a good guy. Started with the IVF again (even though her chances hadn't changed). By this point I was in my mid-30s & was starting to want a baby, so Husband & I made one...not really on purpose, per se, but we knew it was a possibility & were happy when it happened.

My sister was clearly pissed when we told her, but she's that quiet kind of mad? Like she won't go off on you, she just sits there looking pissed off & gets huffy.

Now, again, by this point I was in my mid-30s. I was technically high risk just because of my age. I tried to talk to our mother about my frustration with her reaction & she was all "look at it from her POV!"

Apparently I was supposed to just...IDK wait forever to have a baby? Or never have one if my sister couldn't?? IDK.

She pretty much ignored me the entire pregnancy, which was hard because I'd grown up with her being more a mother figure than sister, so I really missed her.

Oh but then she was mad I asked her & her 2nd Husband to leave when it came time to actually push?? I guess they just assumed they'd get a ring side seat? It was awkward.

So first baby comes. She makes all these promises about being the GREATEST AUNT EVER & nope. We saw her for holidays/birthdays & that was it.

3 years later, now in my late 30s, we had kiddo #2.

Same freaking thing happened, except this time my mother convinced me to let my sister watch the birth because "it would be a bonding experience". Yeah, no. She complained about how long it took (8hrs, compared to baby #1 who took 23hrs) & managed to stay like 20 minutes after delivery.

Also mostly MIA for his baby/toddlerhood, too.

Anyway, I finally realized my family is full of toxic assholes & we had a pretty big falling out. Now I don't talk to that side at all & neither do my kids.

Neither of them have ever asked about seeing their aunt. Ever.

So, my advice for you is to tell her she should seek therapy for her feelings of lost & disappointment, or be prepared to be the scapegoat forever.

Or until you get tired of it, like I did.

It hurt feeling ignored by my big sister. It enraged me when she did it to my own kids.

Entire families get angry for nothing only to follow what everybody is doing. In my case I AM your sister but not about pregnancy and because I prefer to deal with my stuff alone and save them ugly scenes because of what I can't handle yet by not coming; then I'm the worst.

Fuck her feelings!!! WTF is wrong with people like that. I never understood people feelings that are hurt by other peoples good news & success. Yeah so what if she's failing at breeding What the actual fuck does that have to do with you. Congratulations girl and enjoy your pregnancy. You're about to start a whole new family of your own anyways, fuck those hatin' ass haters. I really hate shit like this.

How dare those assholes. That's like, I'm broke but my friend is making a shitload of money. Instead of hating on his ass, I rejoice that atleast one of us is successful and who knows, maybe he'll have some words of wisdom on "how to be like him when I grow up". Like I said, fuck those haters. Your family are comprised of jealous/lying/hypocritical assfucks. Sounds like terrible people to me.

Congratulations about the baby its a beautiful time in your life! As people have said your sis needs therapy. The whole world doesnt revolve around her and shes headed for a nervous breakdown. Your parents on the other hand need to recognise that they have more than one child, they should be over the moon for you! You need to say that they need to appologise for their negativity and behaviour toward you or that you will not be having any contact with them. That the stress of having to deal with their fucked up way of dealing with their other daughter and negativivty toward your pregnancy is not good for the baby. Say you are disappointed that you havent received the love and excitement that should have come from them learning tbey were going to be grandparents and they can stay away until they fix their ways.

Your parents are morons if they think it's going to be easier for your sister to deal with this if you suddenly with no warning show up with a kid. What do they expect you to do? Pretend you don't have kids forever?

1 - your sister sounds spoiled and entitled.
2- if she wants a kid THAT bad , adopt. How many are out there in desperate need of a home ?
3- being a parent is about being selfless not selfish , I'm not too sure your sister would be able to fulfill this very important aspect of motherhood
4- forget them . That's hard to do, I understand, but you are not in the wrong. Besides once you did give birth , then what? The outcome would have been the same , maybe worse .

Woah. You're 100% allowed to remove those toxic family members from your life. No way should your family be making you suppress your joy because another grown ass adult cant deal. I'm happy for you! Congratulations!

I’m gonna go a bit against the grain here and advise you to truly examine your motivations for revealing your pregnancy to your sister, and to examine the sensitivity you had in the conversation in which you told her. Your sister obviously has been through trauma. The hormonal roller coaster of ivf, the $, the hope, the wait, and the failure took its toll on her psyche. TWICE.
please be sure you aren’t discounting those emotional allowances because she needs to “just get over it”

That being said asking you to stay quiet until you have the baby is unfair to you (if you’re a family who spends lots of time together it’s an unreasonable request). As another commenter said it’s best to tell someone like this over text or email so they can have their reactions in private. You should have told her from the heart why you wanted to share your joy with her. And let her feel the sharp sting of her personal situation in private. Hopefully once she grieves for her personal shit on her own, she can come to you when she’s ready to experience the joys of life again, even if they’re not her own.

Okay. I don't know what you expected but no one is obligated to congratulate you. You knew she wouldn't "share [your] joy" so I'm not sure why you're so pissed about it. Now you've learned to share your joy with people who want to hear it. It's a little late for this life lesson, but better late than never.

Your sister needs therapy. Also, maybe a good rule is that your husband doesn’t put his hands on any person, especially women, without their consent again. That was by far the most concerning part of this post.

That’s fucked up dude. Your sister clearly can’t have kids, but you rub it in her face. You’re the one mentally fucked up. Everyone takes things at their own pace yet you’re forcing someone to keep up with your story because you’re the center of attention. Sounds like something stupid a pregnant women would do.

So your advice is she should lie to her family and pretend she isn't pregnant? What story should be made up when the baby arrives in your opinion so know one is offended, a stork? Was posted? Just appeared?

That is not true. Women are having children later and matter. It is ignorant to say that couples usually have their last baby around that age. It might be more difficult for some women to be pregnant but not for others, and some women struggling to conceive would've had issues anyway.

I realize this isn't /r/AmItheAsshole, but everyone sucks here. You're right that you can't hide a pregnancy from your sister, and that it's not going to be any easier for her to deal with after the baby comes. But you also can't expect her to be happy about the news. The way a situation like this should be handled is by acknowledging that this may trigger painful feelings for her, but you wanted to let her know so she can decide how involved she's prepared to be. As it is, since she's made it pretty clear she doesn't want anything to do with it, you need to give everyone space and celebrate with your friends and your husband's family.

Maybe it’s hard for me to understand because I would never want to be pregnant. But if my sibling is having a child, it’s only right to be happy for them or at the very least not require them to hide their happiness. Her sister is selfish af

I have a few medical problems that will probably knock the option of me ever having kids off the table within a 10 year span. It's a very hard topic for me to discuss with family because all these issues have been diagnosed in one year. I do get upset thinking about how hard it will be to conceive, while others don't even try and can easily become pregnant. If my sister was pregnant, I'd be happy for her, but I'm not going to be jumping with joy. In fact, it would probably make me avoid her so I wouldn't rain on her parade. What OP expects their sister to do is jump for joy and be over the moon that their sister can have what she can't. OP isn't being as understanding, but neither is her sister.

No but she can expect her sister to try to be a mature adult and respectfully acknowledge that someone else [a sister only 1 year apart from her] is having a baby. It's obscene to think someone is only having a baby, and daring to mention it, only to hurt you and her parents are only enabling her unhealthy pathology and alienating their other daughter... who will eventually give birth to their first grandchild.

There were better ways to mention it, starting with any way that doesn't expect her to literally congratulate her about it on demand despite being perfectly aware she'll burst into tears from the mention of it.

Maybe OP is the one who should make it clear she doesn’t want to deal with her sister’s bs anymore, her sister is the one who needs to step back and go seek help, not this ridiculously enabling situation.