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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Transition...

I am usually thankful for change, but sometimes the transition is a little painful...

This sweet boy had a bad day about 10 days after Isley arrived.

It involved pooping in the middle of his floor while he was supposed to be napping, having a huge crying, screaming outburst in the middle of church - during the sermon, peeing his bed intentionally, and telling us he would rather be spanked than put is arms in his sleeves so he could go to town with Papa. It was pretty much our worst day of parenthood to date. At the end of the day we just hung our heads and laughed. What do you do? Somedays you just feel like a failure as a parent and hope that the next day is better!

For me the transition seems to be heading for the darker season of losing my personal identity. I remember these feelings from the early days with B. It is a little easier this time, understanding that with a precious new one it requires a real dying of self. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing, but it is difficult. I find that at 4 weeks postpartum reality sets in and I am faced with long days and nights. I find myself wishing that family lived closer or I had endless funds to fly them to me. I envy those who have their moms close. I begin to realize that in my effort to be super mom I have worn myself out. I take out my weariness on my handsome guys and the guilt is sometimes overwhelming. I am all at once needing alone time and feeling lonely, simultaneously. For now I lay it down at the foot of the cross. I give it to the one who is more than able - the one who can strengthen me and shower me with His endless grace. I ask for help. Help me to give more and need less. Help me to treasure these moments and not forget the blessings of my little family. They truly are a heavenly gift.