The keeper of the unicorns was almost trampled to death by a mob of horny hyenas in NYC today. RPattz was making his way back to his trailer on the set of his movie Remember Me when the fangirls were unleashed and tried to impregnate themselves by dry fucking him. I can smell the chonie cheese from here and it’s thick!

Somebody give them the q-tip! Turn the hose on them! Give them a squeaky toy to hump on! What am I blabbing about? None of that would work! Even if you tasered their asses and peppered them in the eyes at the same time, they still wouldn’t let up. These psychos had a whiff of RPattz’s magic dust and they are in the zone! Nothing can stop them.

The city of New York should probably keep a judge on set at all times to hand out restraining orders, because these crazy bitches are thisclose to crawling through the shit pipe to get into his trailer.

That being said, this whole scenario would be considered perfectly sane if you replaced RPattz with Prince Hot Ginge and the curly-haired loon in the plaid with me.

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