I thought i'd try this because to be honest, i have absolutely nothing else to do, so i'm just gona type to amuse myself, feel free to read...it's just basically gonna be exactly whats in my head..written in a journal..sounds fun to me!!

Hmmm A LOT has been going on in the love life lately! I've been with my girl for 6months but I told her last night that I want a break and I wont get back with her until she sets her priorities straight and she decides what she wants..

She was away for two weeks, and in those two weeks a lot happened to make me question my relationship and stuff. I got to know a few girls, i'm not the cheating type, far from it, but the feeling of being single again made things tempting, but I wouldn't lower myself to cheating.

One girl, Hope, is pretty damn hot, funny, good personality and all of that stuff, but girls always seem like that when you first meet them, I want to see how things go when the novelty of knowing her wears off! She lives three hours away from me but was crying the other day because she couldn't see me and stuff, I don't even know how I made this impact on her. The next day I get a text saying that she has booked a hotel and is coming down to see me, damn thats gona be interesting.

Next comes "Beff" as she is known. Met up with her on friday, again hot and funny, where can I go wrong there? Oh yeah, theres already two other girls in my life, I don't need another, but she seems to have just walked on in and taken her place in my love life...Damn..stuff is so f-, but meh, im just 16, name me another 16 year old boy apart from Kaz who wouldn't want three hot girls in love with him..

While I was out with Beff, another girl I know, Georgia, comes up to me saying we need to talk. I go off with her quickly, and it ends up with her trying to kiss me..I backed off, she started crying and stuff, what makes it worse is that my best friend is in love with her!! She then went and told her boyfriend that i tried it with her, but meh..it's all fun and games.

Thats the current situation on the love front, pretty boring imo..

Damn, I just typed out another load of stuff, then accidently clicked back..I can't even remember what I put! Basically, it was about me going back to school on wednesday..It should be alright, it's better than me either going out and being bored, or sitting on my arse being bored, so no complaints I guess. I get to see some people I haven't seen in the past two months too. I need to go and see one of my old teachers (my form tutor infact) he is 37 years old, has two little girls, and had a heart attack while we were on holiday..How unexpected..It's not like he's fat or anything, or unhealthy, he used to play a lot of football and stuff...I was shocked to say the least. It proves, life is too short and it does bring a lot of unexpected stuff, but if I was to say, live every day as your last and then take my own advice, it wouldn't happen. My last day, I don't have a clue what i'd do, hang with friends or family..or my girl? It just wouldn't happen, i'd rather just enjoy my life and not wake up worrying about death. But having diabetes kinda makes me think about death, and consequence of actions more than others. I hate people reminding me I have it.."Should you be doing this? Should you be eating it?" SHUT UP, if I couldn't be doing it I f- wouldn't be! And if I couldn't eat it, do you think I would have just munched it? Some people just don't make sense, but I guess they are just worried..

Bored of typing now, and if anybody just read all of that, you have too much time on your hands, peace out.

Damn, what a shock, I was a bit puzzled to log onto msn and see about 20 people have turtles at the start of their names, that was strange because I didn't know why they had it.

Damn..in the first post I was was talking about life being too short, but I guess he is one of those guys who really can say he lived everyday as his last. I remember him saying that he would die for animals..

Meh, less of this death stuff it's depressing. It's a new week, but even when i'm out of school I hate mondays lol.

Plans for today? Sit around being a lazy bastard until later tonight, then i'll just go meet some girls or hang out with friends.

Can't believe I woke up at 12:30pm today! How lazy am I?! I'm never gonna wake up on wednesday if I can't even wake up before noon now.

I hate people bringing up my problems, especially on MSN. Now a lot of people are like OMGZ R YOO OKAY YOO DU NUT HAV LISA IN YUR NAEM ANEMORE. I've had enough of this every 10 minutes lol.

I finished with Lisa yesterday because I don't need all of the stress and everything i'm only 16, I don't wana be arguing every week over damn relationship problems! I wana be out having fun with friends...girls come and go, they always do, and thats the frame of mind I have to keep when it comes down to things like this.

I'll probably post a little later on, again, if you read this..thanks I guess? But you do need to find something to do with your time other than reading about my shit..unless you enjoy it ofcourse

So it seems that Sam isn't impressed with the goings on in my life, too boring for him. Well..tough shit, you WILL read it and you WILL like it.

Sitting here, 3pm, was supposed to go out but i've been up 3 hours so i can't be bothered to move. I'm so lazy, but its fun so it's all good.

Ima go shower, get dressed and get ready for the day ahead..Think i'm meeting Beff later, and then some friends after that.

HEY I forgot to say, a friend of mine nearly got raped the other day, but we all think shes lying because she lies about lots of things. Aparently she was walking home and a guy tried to grab her, she said to me that she ran in this like..sandels, lost the sandles and ran shoeless. I don't see how thats possible when she says she has blisters on the back of her feet from that night, which means she must have been wearing some kind of shoe/trainer. I duno, she kinda over-exaggerates quite a bit. I think she just said she got chased so she can get a free ride home with the police because some guy didn't walk her home, something like that. Her mom doesn't believe her, infact the girl mentioned about it to her mom and her mom seemed pretty clueless about the whole fiasco. Who knows? All that matters is she didn't die I guess?

Well, time to tidy up this wanker of a bedroom which is currently a pit. Then it's time to eat, and then take a little walk outside in the real world..o noez save me pleeze.

Woah, in the worst mood i've been in for a while. Just about to get ready, go out meet some friends, since I gave up football i'll just go and see one of my best mates play, he's alright.

Girls...can't live with um, can't live without um. What a true f- statement. It's like a love hate thing, I love them because, they are just girls, everybody minus a select few loves girls . But then comes the hassle, the arguments, the disagreements and all of that bollox, that I honestly could do without. I can't f- win with girls..They are a pain in the arse. Peace.

Who here believes in second chances? Looks like I do..Me and Lisa..back on? *gasp sounds*. Yeah yeah, it's f-, plain and simple. But, i've known her all of my life, been with her 6 months..I had to give us one more shot, if it doesn't work, atleast I can say I tried, and thats all there is to it really.

I took Sam's advice of "Well, theres 3 girls here, you've gota be a c- to 2 of um". Cheers Sam, I guess you have to be a c- to be nice in the long run.

Wtf i'm actually up early for once? Woke up at around 7:45am, it's now 8am, gonna go jump in the shower soon, get breakfast, get dressed and stuff like that. Doesn't really take me too long, gota be at school for 10:30am so no rush.

I love seeing all of the new kids coming into school like but in a few weeks when they have all settled in you always have the select few who just torture the teachers . They make me laugh, the kids coming into the school seem to get smaller every year, it's funny.

Haven't posted here in a few days, for the simple fact that 1: i'm too lazy, and 2: i've been busy.

I've been sleeping more than usual lately, lets take yesterday for example:

Woke up : 7:30amWent to school : 8:10amCame home : 2:30pmWent to sleep : 4pmWoke up : 6:15pmWent out : 7pmCame home : 12amSlept until : 12:07pm

That was my day, how amazing. I'm still tired now, that can't be good.

I don't really have anything to post about..Ermmmmmm..Ohhhh..my neighbour died yesterday, sucks. He was an old guy, lived alone because his wife died a few months ago. I felt sorry for him, i'd hate to live alone and have no family and stuff..He died in his sleep which is how most people would prefer to go. So...R.I.P Bob I guess.

The morning after getting shitfaced. Hate it. Take my advice, never, ever, mix jack daniels with sambuca. JD+Sambuca=sick. Went to my uncles leaving party, hes moving to the north of England.

Went in to the place with about..6 friends and Lisa(my girl). As soon as we walked in we were given drinks, we only stayed until about 12am. It was good fun minus being sick for hours on end after the party.

I don't actually feel THAT shit, just feel like I need to throw up, no biggy.

I'm f- hungry, and for some reason I fancy a KFC right now. Gimi teh chicken.

Jesus f- christ dudes...Long time no post eh? It's been like months since i've gone through anything on here..I just read all of this and i've decided it's a real nice thing to look back on, for personal reasons...I read back and actually took some of my own advice on a few things which is actually kinda cool, saves bothering people like Sam (Who gives the best advice in the world, bar none).

I've settled into Sixth Form..Earlier on in the journal I said it was laid back...I take that back..It's good fun but a lot of work, but who ever got anywhere without working..? *Waits for a smartarse to PM me with like 8957349587349857934 different names*

Me and Lisa..Believe it or not we are still going..9months on and the arguments are rollllinnnggg in..Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying with her. She doesn't realise how many things I have to juggle at once...Her, school, friends, family, diabetes..It gets hard, and even harder when she appreciates none of it..or atleast shows no appreciation.

I wish for once...just ONE time in her life she'd step back, take a look..and just appreciate what i've done for her. What a bunch of bollocks.

Friends keep me sain..I don't know what i'd do without them, I really don't. Friends are so much simpler than girlfriends...If only I was another Kaz, eh?

Time : 2:14amDay : Saturday

Sitting in my brothers room due to my room being taken over by my dad's mate...

Trying to think of what else to write...Cmon brain what else is going on up there...

Oh yeah, I got voted to be the captain of my FOOTBALL team (ball+foot=football)..Thats pretty cool but I gotta pick a team..Go for friends or the best? Ehhhhhh....I have a game, supposedly, in some national cup on wednesday..It was cancelled last week due to some dicks taking our bus so it better be on this week.

Anyways, i'll be posting here more...If you read this then you know whats going inside in my head..and maybe even a few of my ideas or point of views on things..

Some of this is absolutely cringe worthy but the memories are brilliant! Being 16 and wanting to f- everything like an excited dog was the best time of my life! Things change so much. "Beff" as I called her, turned out to be a girl I eventually ended up being with for 4 years and still love to this day. Lisa and I broke up in 2008 and she went on to move to Turkey to work with children. Most of the friends I had then are gone, with the last couple either now getting married or leaving for university.

For anybody who has actually read this, or will read it, Georgia (who tried to kiss me) is now engaged to my best friend who I mentioned back in one of my posts! He finally managed to convince her he was the one, they are getting married next year and i've been asked to be the best man. Can't wait!

As for me, college was ok, I passed it all but it was a waste of time with the career path I chose. A big thing i've taken from this post is ultimately - people don't change. I was 16 when I wrote these posts, i'm now 23. As much as the posts were written badly and with huge amounts of immaturity, the way I act and think are pretty much the same now as they were then. Most important of all, memories are the best! Writing these things aren't only a way to vent for me, but a way for me to look back in a couple of years and say "f- yes, that was so fun!" or even take some advice from my previous self.

I'll look to throw in some more entries here every so often. I don't expect anybody to actually read this or care about it, but it's more an investment for my future self!

The massive traffic on the forum makes this totally worthwhile...NAAAAAAAT. Since my last post, and realising I was a massive douche, I have had the news that I am going to be a father. Thats right, I am going to be in charge of a little person. Wow. "Beff" is still ruler. I am going to be a Dad, i'm in the process of buying a house, but ultimately that is where my heart lies, and it kills me every day. I have a duty now and that is what I will forfil, but it's shit. I know barely anybody reads this, but if you are going through shit as I did through this journal...just be careful. I have so many regrets. I've had good times, but regret a lot. Stuff has a way of working itself out, but make sure you are in control of your decisions, not somebody else.

I always look at what people write on the internet about their lives and say to myself... Would I want my kids to see this? If not don't put it there. How would you feel if your father was writing that about you when your mom was pregnant. Think about it... Sure this is basically a dead forum but you never know. It blows me away what I see on Facebook etc.. I just don't get it.

I've been able to write on this journal since 2006, I was 16. I am now 25 years old. For me, this place was somewhere to write and then go back and read. Each time I come back and read I smile. Even if I cringe, think "WTF was I thinking?!", whatever, I smile. I miss being 16, I miss being 18, I miss not having to pay a mortgage, f- I even miss times before I was a Dad. That's only half the story, however. Since my daughter was born it has changed shit completely. She is by far the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love being a Dad. She is now over 8 months old and there is not a day goes by that I am not thankful for how my stars aligned. My daughter is THE BEST thing to ever happen to me, Kiel will back this up (if he ever reads XT anymore).

These posts aren't made for my child (who, you know as well as I, will never read a XT post). They were written for me. So I could go back at random times in my life and go...wow I miss 2006!

And, to answer your question on if i'd want my daughter to see this. I honestly wouldn't mind. Try and find another 24 year old who didn't shit theirself when they found out they were going to be a Dad. Try and find another 16 year old (me in 06) who didn't have girl troubles. If my daughter read all this i'd hope she would learn from stuff I did. But, as you said, you don't get it, and I highly suspect you ever will.

I know it's not what you wanted mate, but I promise, the first time you hold that kid your heart will melt.

My daughter has my heart mate! You've seen that. Also, i'm not going to post this on FB but your recent post on there took me by surprise to say the least but I have to say I admire you hugely, I don't think I need to say much else than that!

A random post for others who have read over the years (how weird is that?) "Beff" still messages me from time to time to meet up and so on, but I've realllllly moved on since then. I'm genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time. Same goes for Lisa who I've posted about previously. People seem to be stuck in the past. As much as I care for them both, time waits for nobody.

I lost my first family member recently. My Dad's mum. I wasn't as close to her as i'd like to be, and it was both of our fault. Since having my daughter we saw her a lot more and I started to really learn a lot about her. I last saw her 26th December. Late January she was diagnosed with cancer and around the start of February she died. I was having an eye test in the hospital and I received a call to say she had passed away. It was strange for me because, not only was it fast, she was only one ward away from me and I was seeing her after my eye test. I'm very bitter. Bitter I couldn't make the most of her and ultimately bitter that my daughter won't remember her. She was northern Irish and full of stories. She was a good woman and I know a lot of her is in me right now. How I act and how I view things is how she views things, and I'm thankful for that.

As long as this site is accessible I will read this journal. It has been something i've thrown pieces of myself into for almost TEN years! Unbelievable.

So, my last post touched on my Grandmother's death. It's still slightly a touchy subject for me. I was just talking about her today! I always speak positively of her, but one thing that will always get me is that my Daughter won't get the opportunity to remember her. I wouldn't mind what the memory was, but if my daughter could remember her it would mean the world! I guess that's just how life goes, it's cruel, and it's often short.

On a brighter note, but still on my daughter, she is almost 11 months old now. I said in an earlier post that time waits for no one, and that statement is certainly true. She is almost walking, she's saying a few words, and SHE IS MY WORLD! I absolutely love being a Dad, especially her Dad! It's so weird reading back almost 10 years, seeing the dilemmas I had then, compared to now. It makes me happy that I was so naive, and i'm sure to some people, I probably still am naive.

I had a weird case of nostalgia tonight. I checked out the forums again, as well as xenimus.com forums. I really miss the old Xen. The sense of community. There was no other game where I knew most people on a first name basis. Shit, even at work I don't think I know everyone's first name! Xenimus was introduced to me back at the end of December, 2002. 13 years ago almost. That's a scary thought.

As long as this site is accessible I will read this journal. It has been something i've thrown pieces of myself into for almost TEN years! Unbelievable.

So, my last post touched on my Grandmother's death. It's still slightly a touchy subject for me. I was just talking about her today! I always speak positively of her, but one thing that will always get me is that my Daughter won't get the opportunity to remember her. I wouldn't mind what the memory was, but if my daughter could remember her it would mean the world! I guess that's just how life goes, it's cruel, and it's often short.

On a brighter note, but still on my daughter, she is almost 11 months old now. I said in an earlier post that time waits for no one, and that statement is certainly true. She is almost walking, she's saying a few words, and SHE IS MY WORLD! I absolutely love being a Dad, especially her Dad! It's so weird reading back almost 10 years, seeing the dilemmas I had then, compared to now. It makes me happy that I was so naive, and i'm sure to some people, I probably still am naive.

I had a weird case of nostalgia tonight. I checked out the forums again, as well as xenimus.com forums. I really miss the old Xen. The sense of community. There was no other game where I knew most people on a first name basis. Shit, even at work I don't think I know everyone's first name! Xenimus was introduced to me back at the end of December, 2002. 13 years ago almost. That's a scary thought.

Anyway, i'm back, for at least one more post. As always, not only for you guys, but for the future me. I look at the traffic on the forum and I assume that I'm the only one reading this!

So, my last post commented about my Grandmother passing away and my little girl. Well, this week marked 1 year since my Nan passed away. We all met up for a family dinner..Sounds OK, right? Wrong. My family do NOT get on. Swiftly the subject turned to whether or not there is an afterlife. With my Uncle, literally, sticking his middle fingers up the the sky and screaming "f- GOD", and my Aunt slamming her fists on the table in protest, and claiming she had spoken to my Grandmother since she had died, I was out of there. It was all too much for me! People are crazy, especially my own family.

Anyway, I have some news. In September I got engaged to my soon to be Wife. Planning is going well. We are due to marry in June, this year. I'm looking forward to the day! Though, in my head, things day to day won't change just because i'm married. We have our daughter, we have a house we've bought, our car, our pets, nothing material changes. I guess with her name change, it makes us "more of a family" on paper. We will all have the same last name, so that will be sweet.

I guess the next time I post, I'll be a married man! After everything i've posted previously, this is the full circle. Strange, eh? Feels like the end, but not in a bad way! 2003 I first posted here. Life doesn't stop. If anything, it seems to be speeding up!

So we are at the end of 2016. This has been a wicked year for me. My daughter has blossomed..I got married and I also found out I am going to be a Dad AGAIN! This time we are told we are due to have a boy. I really, really can't wait. He will complete our family. My daughter makes me proud beyond belief and she is really excited about becoming a big sister.

Looking back at some old posts, I guess I have some updates. My friend, Joel, who I was best man for... Is now divorced! Turns out Georgia, his wife (or ex), from alllll those years ago really wasn't the one. It lasted a year and a half or so..it's a bit of a shame really, i'm friends with them both! I guess that's the way it goes sometimes.

Anyway, shit for me is going well. The little one is good, one on the way, married life is the same as unmarried life! I have the opportunity to move to Northern Ireland with work. It's very, very tempting. I'll let you know what happens. By you, I mean Kay. Nobody else reads!

Still here, still reading, for how long now? Are you still playing Xen?! Or looking to download 2.0? Happy new year

My boy is due in like 5 weeks time. Absolutely can not wait! Honestly, he can't come soon enough. I love being a Dad and if he is anything like his sister then he is going to do me proud. I'll obviously keep you..Kay..updated with how stuff goes!

I turned 27 a few days back. It's a bit weird..It feels like.....22-27 has absolutely flown by. Funnily enough, I met my wife when I was 22. It seems like I met her yesterday. I always think about the past...Before her, and when I met her. That's why this journal has always served a purpose to me over the years. It's nice to see what I was thinking in different stages of my life...I'm sure i've written something very similar before. During the 4.5 years since I met my wife I got a new job, bought a new house, had a kid and another on the way, got married, traveled to multiple destinations around Europe. It's been a good few years. Without divulging too much, there will always be a small part of me that is...black? dead? I'm not sure. There comes a time when you give someone everything and then they exit your life..that part of you is gone. It's sad, and something i've thought a lot about lately. But...Overall I am genuinely so happy with how everything has turned out.

Some pretty sad news reached me recently, however. My Mum's Mum received the news that she had cancer..Pretty much everywhere, namely brain/spine/lungs. I have a lot of memories of her between the ages of 4 or 5-13. After that, we weren't close at all. No particular reason, that's just how it went. My Grandad is pretty much a recluse and this holds her back..She cares for him more than herself. It's a weird one for me..I always get angry about these sort of things. I lost my Dad's Mum a couple of years ago with the exact same thing, and I posted my frustrations. I made a point to have a drink with my Nan this Christmas, and i'll be honest, it made things worse for me. When shes alone and I speak to her one on one she is so down to earth and level headed. I'll be sure to make the most of the time we have left. Shes a good woman. It makes it harder that my Mum is extremely close to her Mum..so she is struggling. Let's see what happens. It's a case of when, not if. I know when I read this post back in the future, she won't be here..Weird feeling..

So, at the end of the last post I noted that the next time I read this post, my Nan would no longer be alive. That, unfortunately, is the case. She passed away in March. Luckily, if there is any luck in such a situation, she met my son. My son was safely delivered on Feb 17th and he has managed to bring so much light to our lives, especially around such a dark time. In my Nan's own words "one in, one out". She was strangely accepting of death. I believe everybody stepped on egg shells around her. Not me, though. I didn't want her to pass away with me not having been open and honest with her. I sat and spoke to her about her life, her cancer, and what was impending. She appreciated it. She made a point of saying so. When she met my son she was approaching end of life, but was still mentally in control of everything. Physically, maybe not so. Within a few days of meeting my son she passed away. I think she was ready. I asked her what she thought of the situation.. I'm not sure why I asked it, I don't even know how I could expect somebody to answer the question. She was so calm in her answer.."That's life.. I've lived a great life..I have children, grandchildren, I have few regrets, i'm happy". I don't know if that was what she totally felt about the situation, but I hope it was. She was 69 when she was diagnosed, and 70 when she passed away. In my opinion she was robbed, in hers she had led a good life.

I obviously think about her fairly frequently, and as with most things, I look back with regret. Arguably my best times with my Nan were from when she was diagnosed. I guess we both realized how short life was..I really wish I had made more of our relationship in the years we had previously. As with most things, hind sight is a bitch. As common as something as cancer is, you never expect it to hit you so close to home. Unfortunately for me it's hit my family twice in just a few years. If anybody ever reads this, and takes anything from my rambling, just try to appreciate a loved one. Life is fragile.

As I mentioned earlier in the post, my Wife delivered our son. He's now 4 months old and I couldn't be happier. My Daughter is great with him and they both give me a purpose. My daughter turns 3 on Tuesday, time has absolutely flown. I remember the fear when I first found out I was going to be a Dad. I am so proud of how we all turned out. My wife, my daughter, and especially me. I am besotted with my children and they have helped turn me into the man I am today.

I hope you're all well and enjoying life, and I really hope even one person takes something from my posts. I imagine the person who most takes something from my posts will be me! And i'm ok with that.

Isn't it weird how you always seem to have an urge to play Xenimus again? I've not played a PC game for years, but lately i'm tempted to try X2. Someone help me? I must be mentally unstable! I remember growing up, seeing people say Xenimus is a drug. I guess this is testament to that!

So today we bought a new car, that's pretty cool I guess! It's a car i've wanted for the past few years. It's nice to work hard, and achieve a goal. Albeit a small one in the grand scheme of things. Progression is something I always keep a mental note of. Lately, i've been thinking about the "physical" me. My life, my health, so on. I play football (as I posted back in 2006 or 7, ball+foot=football) every single week competitively. I also try to work out during the week but it's difficult with two kids, as well as work. This is now something I am going to work on..I've made a promise to myself, I am going to work to achieve some physical goals. I run, but i'm inconsistent, I work out, but i'm inconsistent. See the pattern here? I need to get back in the habit of trying to keep as healthy as possible! I always seem to dip in and out of hobbies, so it's difficult for me to maintain being dedicated to exercise. Unfortunately, that's who I am. I feel lately like I need to force a change, and that's my plan from today. Hopefully I read this back in a few months and can say I've been a success.

Life is good. The kids are great. They change every day, they make me proud every day and they really keep me on my toes. I've been reading back my posts lately and funnily enough "Beff" has been on my mind a bit lately. Not sure why, I guess it's just the way the mind works. I'm not thinking anything of it, it's just a bit strange! It's just one of those things I can't control I suppose. What makes it weirder is that i'm in a great place, in every sense? There's literally no reason to even think of my past, but it's something I can't help. I don't really imagine it's something i'll ever stop thinking about. I've not been with her for 5 years. It's a long time. The mind and heart is a strange thing I suppose. Reading back on my past experiences, even going back to some of my first posts, it's fairly clear i'm over emotional and too involved with feelings when it comes to my love life. I'll take it with a pinch of salt, however it is nice to actually get it off of my chest in some form. Let's hope I can look back in the near future and laugh this post off!

Not sure there's much else to put in. I'm such a "normal" guy that, other than work/wife/kids, not a great deal happens. I dunno if that's a good thing or not, you tell me! (Kay, I don't think anyone else reads)

Anyway, i'm sure i'll update soon, why wouldn't I? I've been consistent for near on 11 years now. How crazy is that?