Mom fulfills daughter's wish with heavy heart

Thursday

Feb 4, 2010 at 12:01 AMFeb 4, 2010 at 9:47 AM

RIPON - Photographs of a beaming teenager with her whole life before her decorate the living room of the comfortable home in Ripon, but the true memorial to Marissa McLeod hangs on three metal racks waiting to help other teens' dreams come true.

Roger Phillips

RIPON - Photographs of a beaming teenager with her whole life before her decorate the living room of the comfortable home in Ripon, but the true memorial to Marissa McLeod hangs on three metal racks waiting to help other teens' dreams come true.

It has been two months since 17-year-old McLeod became the second Ripon High School senior in a matter of weeks to commit suicide.

And now, her grieving mother is finding purpose by trying to build on an effort her late daughter embarked upon one year ago - to collect donated formal dresses and give them away to high school girls who otherwise would not be able to afford dresses to wear to their proms.

"The best I can do at this point is get out of bed when I can and give back all that I have to give," said 35-year-old Melinda Shaw, who has named the charity Marissa's Closet. "That's what she would have done. I guess, all I have left of her is this. And so that's why my dream is huge for this. Because my dreams were huge for her. And I knew she'd fulfill them all."

Standing in her living room Wednesday afternoon with racks holding 154 dresses that have been donated so far, Shaw painted a portrait of an accomplished renaissance girl who achieved remarkable things during her short life but also struggled with her emotions.

She was a cheerleader who dreamed of being a psychiatrist as well as a lawyer, a candidate to be Ripon's valedictorian who last year attended a summer program at Harvard University. Only a few weeks ago, Shaw said, Marissa was accepted by University of the Pacific.

But there was another side to Marissa, who received counseling a couple of years ago for what a therapist said might be bipolar disorder. Marissa, her mother said, would be "radiant" one day, overcome by her emotions the next. And as a younger girl, Marissa had engaged in the self-injurious behavior of "cutting" herself.

Those who cut themselves, Shaw said, do so because they believe it relieves stress. Still, when Ripon Unified became concerned that younger students were cutting themselves, Marissa accepted a request to speak to them.

"She was the first one to step up to the plate," Shaw said. "She never hid anything."

Stress mounted just before Marissa's suicide. There were deadlines for college applications. There was a speeding ticket. But Shaw is left to wonder what ultimately drove her daughter to take her life.

"It's kind of hard when you look at her, you see she was amazing to the eye," Shaw said, struggling to maintain her composure. "She had a big heart and a huge, huge brain. She could have done anything and would have had so much to give to this world. So it's kind of hard to figure out why. Some say I'll never know."

Marissa came up with the idea of collecting donated dresses and giving them to needy girls a year ago when she was treasurer of Ripon High School's Girls League. In life, Marissa's effort struggled to gain momentum. But since Marissa's death, in large part through the use of the Internet, Shaw's efforts on her behalf have thrived. Shaw hopes to have 700 dresses by March, at which time she plans to begin distributing them.

The ultimate goal is for Marissa's Closet to spread nationally.

Shaw also is fulfilling another of Marissa's dreams. In life, Marissa visited London and Hawaii. In death, some of Marissa's ashes have been scattered by friends and family in New York, Australia and the Caribbean. On what would have been Marissa's 18th birthday in May, Shaw plans to take her daughter on a trip. She hasn't decided where they will go.

But most important is Marissa's Closet. One of Marissa's favorite films was "Pay It Forward," a 2000 movie showing how one act of kindness can start a chain reaction. Marissa's Closet is a way for Shaw - and Marissa - to pay it forward.

"My life revolved around her and her schedule, from dance to cheer to clubs," Shaw said. "And now, again, she's still my life in a different way. I will put everything I have into doing this. ... If I can make somebody have a Cinderella night, then it's a dream that I've helped somebody."