Ticketless Olympics fans reassured: "It's going to be really boring"

Lord Coe last night told hundreds of millions of disappointed sports fans who missed out on Olympics tickets: “Cheer up – it’s all going to be really, really boring so you won’t miss much.”
The 2012 London Olympics supremo said: “Frankly we were staggered that so many people wanted to sit in plastic seats pretending to be cheerful and patriotic watching rubbish like synchronised swimming and gymnastics.
“Experts told us the British sporting public’s boredom quota was filled every year by Wimbledon and the Boat Race, so we shouldn’t expect much interest in the shooting, canoeing, cycling and all those other things nobody pays any attention to whatsoever.
“It just goes to show the stadium designers were right when they told us to make it big for the athletics. We were going to hold all that dull running, jumping and throwing things stuff in a sports centre in Richmond.
“As for the opening and closing ceremonies, Boris Johnson himself has personally assured me they’ll be as pointless and embarrassing as that stupid logo. Really, you’re better off watching it on the telly.”
And Lord Coe pledged: “To cheer people up for missing out on tickets and underline that there are plenty of people who are worse off than them, I’ve arranged a special parade of all the charities and lottery fund applicants who are now penniless because of Olympics 2012.”