It was about 8-9 years ago. I’m at the local pizza shop grabbing some food, next thing you know I’m getting rock bottomed. I should’ve just had called for delivery. I’m immediate turned on my stomach and trying to get a glance at my assailant, I see two shiny shoes and an navy pants, it’s the good ol Boston Police. I’m searched frantically by one as the other watches with his gun aimed directly at my royal blue du-rag, they grab my wallet and let me up and escort me out as the staff and other patrons wonder what the hell just happened here. I’m stare at the two men, trying to discreetly read their badge numbers in case I got a broken rib of something. Apparently I fit the description of someone who was reported carrying a gun, they run my name, nothing. A girl from the neighborhood passes by and says “oooh Tristan what did you you do” “Being black on a Thursday” I responded. Technically I was right, I wouldn’t fit a description if I was white, but I digress. The first cop, a mid to late 30s white guy chuckles and shakes his head, the other a taller heavy set black guy wasn’t amused. Thinking about it now I can see why he was offended, perhaps he didn’t like his blackness being questioned *shrug*. Perhaps in one of the earlier forms of YOLOing, I became somewhat smart with the officers, my side hurt, I was hungry, and I was a straight A student at one of the best high schools in the city, I only dressed otherwise. I knew I didn’t do anything wrong so why worry…

Black cop don’t care. Black Cop don’t give a sh*t

That’s my same view on relationships, even fat, black and ugly as ever, I never found myself insecure in a relationship after 2007 . I look at it this way, if I know I’m doing everything in my power to keep her happy, then I have nothing to worry about, Hakuna Mutata. As I said in my last post, that insecurity stems from within, either feeling like you’re not good enough or knowing that you’re doing enough. I’ve been the insecure one and it ruined a good thing, I’ve been with insecure women and it ruined a good thing. I’ve also been on the other end of the spectrum where I became too comfortable and it backfired and where she has and the same. So it begs the question should there be a healthy amount of insecurity in a relationship, or is it always trouble?

Early in my dating life I was very insecure, fledgling confidence, feeling pressure to catch up to my peers (lies) relationships. I blew up phones, I dropped L bombs everywhere, I dated “safe” women (and somehow still got played…smh), I was afraid to be alone and as a result I set myself up for failure.

After getting played I went ahead and switched my style up, I showed little to no emotion at all. I dated vulnerable girls who I knew wouldn’t leave if I begged them to. This didn’t last long because that’s how you end up with stalkers who pop up at your job, neighborhood and all over your social networks, smh. I wasn’t giving my all and they were and they would be damned if they didn’t get it.

Cray.

I’m over it. Seriously.

Karma was paying attention, because soon I found myself feeling neglected and insecure again. Enter “Her” and umm lets call her…”Madame” (i’m running out of code names, about to assign shapes or colors lol). With “Her”, the insecurity stemmed from the fact that I first took her from someone else, would she turn around and do the same to me. Later, she would leave me for the pettiest of reasons to the point I just didn’t felt like I could ever make her happy. Factor in some legit things I did I won’t get into and suddenly I find myself letting “Her” go for good. I knew we couldn’t work, there was too much heartbreak we needed a clean slate. Followed by “Madame” who just didn’t seem to care about anything. “Madame” is the only one I would believe if someone told me she cheated on me, but I did care about her…I think…I’m still not sure what drew me to her besides materialism and superficiality. Which brings me to “She”, the insecure one. I’ve brought her up on this blog way too much it would seem Drake-ish to touch on again.

So back to my initial question, is there a healthy amount of insecurity for a relationship. Should one always have doubts and fear that one would leave or should both have without a shadow of a doubt security about theirs? If the latter, then what is the incentive is there for one to change or try to improve? I think one should always be slightly wary of competition, whether its another person or simply the allure of a single life. However, there is a middle ground, where you’re constantly trying to keep you and yours secure but there’s an understanding that your job is not done. No matter how happy you (think you and your mate) are, there’s always room for improvement.

3 responses to “Today’s Word is… INSECURITY”

When I’m in a relationship with someone, I want to be the best person I can be for them. Not because I am afraid of them leaving me, but because I genuinely enjoy bringing them happiness and pleasure. It is so satisfying to me to see a look of gratitude, pride, respect and admiration from a partner as acknowledgement for the work and effort I put in to be healthier or more confident or more knowledgeable…(anything really) woman. So I think when both people feel secure in the relationship, instead of patrolling the “what-if ” block everyday….it frees up energy to work on yourself….(that’s the danger of dating someone who gets comfortable; they have no self-motivation or drive to find eays to improve something in their life.)