Remorse code

Raw owl eggs is but one strategy for cracking the hangover, writes Natalie MacLean.

Do your eyelids creak when they open? Has your tongue been scrubbed with sandpaper? Is the Little Drummer Boy playing on your cerebral cortex? At this time of year we make merry in haste, then, the next day, repent in waste.

Thousands of years ago, man discovered alcohol; the next day he discovered the hangover. Since then, we've learned a lot about what causes hangovers, but not what cures them. Of course, the only way to avoid a hangover is not to drink too much in the first place. But hindsight is 20/20, or perhaps in your case right now, 5/20.

When we mock moderation, alcohol passes from the stomach into the small intestine. Some of it is absorbed there, but most of it heads on to the liver. But the liver can metabolise only one drink an hour - allowing the rest of the alcohol to speed through our system, hitting other organs.

While the liver is in overdrive, it's not metabolising glucose very well. That drops our blood sugar, making it hard for us to concentrate. This prods the pancreas to produce a lot more insulin, which makes us shake and sweat. The heart pumps harder as well, so our blood pressure rises - probably the reason some drinkers suffer heart attacks the next morning.

The kidneys react to the diuretic properties of alcohol and release more urine than usual, which not only dehydrates us but also depletes the blood's electrolytes: sodium, potassium, calcium and magnesium. Contrary to popular belief, the brain doesn't dehydrate; it swells as the alcohol floods the frontal lobe and pushes it against the skull. The brain itself has no pain receptors but the membrane over it does. (The damage to nerve cells is temporary for all but heavy drinkers.)

Something else to remember when you're chugging the Remy Martin VSOP over the holidays: when your body metabolises alcohol, there are some particularly nasty by-products. Think of formaldehyde, which we use to pickle organs and embalm bodies; acetone, used in nail-polish remover; and formic acid, the sting venom in ants.

When it comes to holding their liquor, people's capacity varies greatly. The quantity of stomach enzymes that break down alcohol differs genetically: women get drunk more quickly than men because they have more fat, less muscle and fewer enzymes.

Physically fit people cope better with hangovers because their circulation is stronger. For the same reason, dancing while you drink helps to metabolise alcohol, but exercise the next day doesn't do much good. Some scientists believe that happy drinkers experience a less severe hangover than grim ones. Regular drinkers metabolise alcohol more quickly, up to a point: heavy drinkers with damaged livers take longer.

It's a myth that mixing your drinks makes a hangover worse. Switching drinks may tempt you to drink more because the taste is new each time, especially sweet cocktails, such as pina coladas and strawberry daiquiris, which mask the taste of alcohol.

Sparkling wine carries alcohol into the bloodstream more quickly, but it doesn't matter what the source of alcohol is - it's the net alcohol by volume that counts.

Common advice includes eating before and while drinking to slow the absorption of alcohol into your bloodstream. Drinking a glass of water between each alcoholic drink helps too. It won't dilute your buzz - in fact, it will prolong it, while diminishing the effects of dehydration the next day. (Avoid carbonated water, though. Like champagne, it carries the alcohol into the blood more quickly.)

Some puritans believe that we shouldn't try to avoid hangovers at all - that they're an act of atonement for a life of excess. But for those who haven't treated their bodies like a temple, the search for a cure has led to some concoctions that seem to inflict even more suffering on the hung-over.

The "hair of the dog" remedy - drinking a bit more alcohol the next morning to lessen the effects of withdrawal - is popular the world over. One of the most popular morning-after drinks is the bloody mary, made of vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce, salt, celery salt, black pepper, sugar, lemon or lime.

Its benefit is probably that tomato juice contains vitamin C and restorative flavonols and trace elements.

The "corpse reviver", created in 1934 by legendary bartender Harry Craddock at London's Savoy Hotel, contained lemon juice, Lillet blanc, Cointreau, gin and a drop of absinthe. Craddock said it could bring anyone back from the dead, though four in succession would "unrevive the corpse again".

Still, such cocktails are really just a delaying tactic: while a small amount of alcohol may make you feel better temporarily, it's better to get your detox over with.

In France, the traditional folk remedy is the vile-smelling Schoum, which was once used to treat scurvy: peppered mint oil, amyl acetate and extract of fumitory. The Japanese took Hapalyse, made from cattle liver and vitamins B15, B2 and E. Mongolians drank a glass of tomato juice with a pickled sheep's eye in it. In Puerto Rico, they rubbed half a lemon under the drinking arm.

Despite the dubious merit of these approaches, they were wildly creative. In 16th-century England, they ate raw eels and almonds ground to a paste. In Morocco, they inhaled the smoke of burning fossils. Ancient Roman writer Pliny the Elder ignored the popular choice of eating fried canaries but recommended raw owl eggs.

In fact, egg-based remedies are common, including the well-known prairie oyster: pepper, raw egg yolks, tomato juice, angostura bitters and Worcestershire sauce. This was the concoction that Jeeves the butler served to Bertie Wooster in P.G. Wodehouse's novels.

On the one hand, eggs are a good source of cysteine, which helps the body make glutathione, the antioxidant that's diminished by alcohol. On the other hand, eating raw eggs isn't recommended because of the risk of salmonella poisoning.

Worcestershire sauce seems a cruel thing to inflict on an irritated stomach and, unless you have a butler, following a complex recipe may be a challenge.

Cooked eggs are more acceptable (and palatable), as in the traditional English breakfast of fried eggs, sausage and tomato. A protein-rich meal contains amino acids that produce endorphins and help to steady blood sugar.

Other experts say that such a fatty breakfast is hard to digest and grease can irritate the stomach. They recommend

In fact, most food helps to replace lost nutrients and speeds up metabolism. You may not feel like eating, but starving yourself can make matters worse, especially if your stomach is irritated. Yoghurt and milk can help soothe the gut. Some people even drink a pre-emptive glass of milk before they start boozing.

After the binge, as during it, water helps to flush toxins from the kidneys and liver and to replenish those dehydrated tissues. Coca-Cola and coffee are iffy: the caffeine constricts blood vessels in the head, which helps headaches but it also acts as a diuretic and can worsen dehydration. Electrolyte drinks, such as Gatorade, and over-the-counter diarrhoea drugs, such as Dioralyte, apparently help to restore blood sugar, salt and fluid. Ginger is believed to have some anti-nausea properties.

When it comes to popping pills there are a number of choices but, as with all of these so-called remedies, it's best to chat with your doctor first. Antacids, such as Mylanta, can help an irritated stomach. Conversely, aspirin, Motrin and Advil alleviate headaches but may irritate the stomach. Never take them before drinking: they thin the blood, so you'll absorb alcohol much more quickly. If you pop one or two before going to bed, they may help to reduce swelling of the blood vessels in your head overnight. Others simply take vitamin B or C pills.

If you're into herbal remedies, many swear by milk thistle, which supposedly promotes liver function. If you know a good reflexologist, get a big toe massage to reduce a headache.

A little 19th-century poetry helps too: it reminds one that this cruel fate has been around for a while and that people do survive it. As Lord Byron said: "Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter. Sermons and soda water the day after."