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Ana Lisa Garza is running for a seat in the Texas House of Representatives, and she’s challenging the long-time occupant of that seat in a primary tomorrow. There’s something different about Garza’s campaign. It’s gotten a lot of donations in the form of deer semen.

For most of the country, deer are a nuisance animal that we need to cull every year so we hit fewer of them with our cars. In Texas, they must not have this problem, because there’s a deer breeding industry. According to a report, Garza’s campaign has received some $51,000 in donation in the form of deer semen in frozen straws. The campaign has probably taken the in-kind donation and then sold the straws to keep as funding.

The Guys don’t like animals. Maybe we’ve been subtle about that, maybe not so much. Regardless, like a car stuck on a highway full of tractor-trailers, we (and the rest of the human race) are cautiously respectful of the boundary between inside and outside. We don’t necessarily freely give up the outside, but the animal kingdom has its realm, and we have ours. The animal kingdom, sadly, has chosen to break this unspoken agreement.

And in Monrovia, California, a man was terrorized by a pair of bears. Yes, those bastards decided to get up to their old antics again. Justin Lee went into his home only to find the furry beasts gouging themselves on his hard-earned food. A heroic combination of police and animal control officers were able to send the creatures running through the power of bean bag shots. It’s a temporary solution, but we’re always down for a more … permanent solution.

The Dallas Cowboys had a pretty bad season. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t what Dallas fans were hoping for. The season was capped by a loss to the rival Washington Redskins, a game in which quarterback Tony Romo seemed unable to throw to anyone but the other team.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time ruleA year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

The whitehouse.gov petition site, “We the People” has received 22 petitions from citizens, each asking for their state’s permission to “peacefully … withdraw from the United States of America and create its own new government.” The site’s rules state that petitions receiving 25,000 signatures will be addressed by President Obama’s administration.

Louisiana resident “Michael E.” was the first to submit a petition the day after the 2012 election. The petition has received 16,000 signatures since. Meanwhile, Texas already has 26,000 signatures. In case you’re wondering, why, yes, most of the nuts submitting these polite requests to the “dictator-in-chief” are from former Confederate states.

So far, no governor or representative of a state government from these 22 states has endorsed the petitions, mostly because they’re busy lobbying for federal money for bridges, police departments and defense contracts.

People, if you do choose to drop a large amount of money in the direction of the back of a person’s car that also doubles as a Radio Shack, at the very least, check to make sure that the item you’re buying is legit. Because there is no mirror app on the App Store that costs as much as you’re probably going to pay.

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Construction has been halted on a highway underpass that would have resolved traffic congestion in San Antonio, Tex. Why did workers stop digging? Because somebody saw a spider.

Animals have borrowed a page from the U.S. Civil War, tying up Southern transportation lines with the only weapon at their disposal: the heebie-jeebies. Good luck getting anyone to shovel dirt when any trowel-full could lead to an underground spider cave.

The spider, a Braken Bat Cave meshweaver, is an endangered species that hasn’t been seen since it was first discovered 30 years ago. It’s blind, so that means it finds its way around by touching everything with its disgusting, spindly legs and mouth parts.

What we need now is an anti-environmental judge with a really big shoe to get roadwork started again.

Throughout the years, we’ve had more than our fair share of variations of Jesus Christ: Raptor Jesus, Piss Christ, Potato Chip Jesus, Black Jesus and so forth. Now, get ready to meet the newest version of God’s only begotten son.

Taco Christo was found in a breakfast taco in Beeville, Texas. Taco Christo is made of a delicious hand made flour tortilla and his compatriots, bacon and egg, demonstrating what a real holy trinity is. Anna Rodriguez, director of the adult daycare where his bread-based lord and savior was found, says:

“We believe God works in mysterious ways.”

We don’t know about mysterious ways, but God clearly works in delicious ways.

Beggars. Rabid. Thieves. Constantly hungry. Perpetually drunk. Descriptions like those are most often the characteristics of hobos … or their animal kingdom equivalents, the raccoon. Especially the ones of Houston, Texas.

Do not enable them. They’re animals that are well-known for being monstrously evil and contagion carriers. Not only that, but they’re our enemies. We should be starving them out, not feeding their forces.

Carlos Valenzuela was driving around Texas the other day, minding his own business, when he forgot to signal a turn at an intersection. For this minor oversight, he was pulled over, and should have got off with a warning/ticket.

He was caught with 1.8 kilograms of cocaine, and has been charged with “manufacture or delivery of a controlled substance”.

Now, I’m not a drug czar or drug kingpin or a drug magnate or even a drug janitor; however, I’d think that if you’re going to transport that much nose candy, you’d at least do a really good job of hiding ALL of the drugs, much less being meticulously aware of how you’re driving.