Sorry. No. Thank You…

I have a deep-rooted calling to feel happy. To love the skin I’m in and to embrace all the nooks and crannies that make me, me. I need peace of mind like I need oxygen. I need unstructured time like I need water. Consistent contentment and less stress probably boost my immune system more than green juice.

And yet, I often get lost in my to-do list, complain about too many commitments, and align myself with people who give me more headaches than joy. I’ve caught myself saying things like, “once I’m over this hump, I’ll have more breathing room.” But here’s the thing about humps, there’s always another one on the next hillside. And humps hump. Yes, you read that correctly. They breed like rabbits!

I don’t know about you, but I suspect that sometimes my mouth moves before my brain has time to think. And as we all know, words are powerful. So as part of my peace-of-mind plan, I’ve decided to examine my language, especially the use of the following words: Sorry. No. Thank you. Harmless, helpful words, right? Yet their overuse/misuse can slowly drain our self-worth and damage our relationships, while, at the same time, watering down their meanings. Consciousness takes practice, so let’s dive in.

Sorry.

There are right times to be sincerely sorry, but there are also wrong times. When I give someone a meaningful sorry, we both feel better. That’s true heart medicine, a 1000-mg dose. I do my very best to apologize when I’m wrong, but I often catch myself saying sorry for no reason at all.

I say sorry (even though I don’t need to) when…

I turn unwanted offers down.

I ask for what I need.

I stand up for myself.

Sorry slip-up flashback: When my new website launched, a disgruntled reader let me know that she didn’t like the design or my smile. In her mind, my site was too flashy, and I had no business running ads for my own books (perhaps she works for free, but I can’t). As for my smile, it was way too big and, therefore, not authentic. Naturally, I was hurt and pissed! Unnaturally, I responded with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I am proud of my new website and the work I do.” While I’ve always responded to negativity by either ignoring it or blasting it with a fire hose of sunshine, did I have to say sorry? No. Was I sorry? Heck NO. No need to apologize.

Sorry isn’t a band-aid or a replacement for a backbone. Sorry isn’t a “safe word” or a way to keep the peace at the sacrifice of your well-being.

There’s a difference between true remorse and a fear of being judged. Sweet friend, don’t say sorry if there’s nothing to be sorry for. Because, I don’t know about you, but when I mindlessly vomit apologies, I’m often left feeling like a powerless doormat. Yuck. Get off the floor.

No.

Instead of saying “no” when I need to, I turn my life into a constipated pretzel through a knee-jerk “yes” response.

I say yes when I should say no because…

I hate to let people down.

I underestimate how long projects will take, and I fail to prioritize my time.

I forget that my needs matter—that I matter as much as the other person.

Naughty no-no flashback: Once upon a time, I agreed to a speaking engagement on a cruise ship. Sounds breezy, right? Not for me. I get extreme vertigo on big boats that can last for months afterward. So why on earth did I say yes? Several reasons, but mostly because the folks asking me were painfully pushy. They were strong about what they wanted, but was I? I wiggled. I put the answer off as long as I could but eventually caved and said yes. I immediately started to panic. How would I get through ten days of physical pain? Answer: I couldn’t! A month later, I finally mustered a “no” and pulled out of the gig. Of course, by waiting, I caused undue stress for all. If I had been upfront and able to put my needs first, I would have saved us both a lot of grief. Lesson learned.

Saying yes can feel good and often comes from a positive place. It means we care about other people, want to do good things, and spread happiness in the world. It means we’re optimistic and believe in our abilities. Sadly, though, few of us can make every dream match the reality of only twenty-four hours in a day. As my brilliant bestie Marie Forleo reminded us recently, get on the “No Train,” choo choo! While this may seem like obvious advice, how often are we consistent No Train conductors?

Think about my example. You can’t always “yes” your way out of a problem.

Mindlessly agreeing may temporarily avoid discomfort, but it’s often short-sighted and even lazy. Instead of setting a boundary, we slip into “yes” amnesia, forgetting we’ve been here before.

In this delusional state, there’s unlimited time, superhuman energy, and a gaggle of soul-nannies who keep us fed, bathed, and exercised. Sober up! Splash yourself with cold water and (gently) slap your cheek. If you’re worried about scarcity, let that go. Offers and opportunities will continue. Every unwanted “yes” takes you one step further from freedom, well-being, and time with yourself and loved ones.

Thank you.

Gratitude is one of the holiest ways to honor and connect with yourself and others. Saying thank you for a generous gift is gracious; repeatedly gushing thanks because you feel guilty or undeserving is not.

I say thank you too much because…

I don’t feel worthy.

Love may never come again.

I don’t want to seem under-appreciative.

Thank-less thank you flashback: During my actor-dancer period, I needed a loan to get through a rough patch. I borrowed the cash from a friend, and I insisted on a monthly payment plan. I was truly grateful. I always sent her my checks on time with a gushing note as an expression of thanks. But I had a burning feeling that it was never enough. Years later, we had a falling out for a different reason. And what do you think she hit me with? “You never appreciated the money I lent you.” I could have written a personalized thank you across the sky (with my blood), and it still wouldn’t have been enough. One “thank you” or a thousand made no difference. Clearly something much bigger was going on, and that something had nothing to do with me.

A heartfelt “thank you” is polite and loving. Becoming a “thank you” Pez dispenser is just plain toxic.

No one should hold you captive emotionally or treat you like a mooch. If you find yourself saying thank you too much, that might mean someone is making you feel inadequate, and it’s time to re-examine the balance in your relationship. Perhaps they don’t deserve you. Look beyond your compulsion to say thank you and address the real issue or elegantly remove yourself from the drama. Bon Voyage!

Wrapping it all up: There’s a fine line between healthy and unhealthy use of language. It’s part of our spiritual journey to find our tipping points and gently adjust them. When I get clear on the whys behind my sorrys, nos, and thank yous, I get clear on who and what needs to be embraced or released. I make room for more living and less second-guessing, more truth and less explaining, more relief and less regret.

Am I ready to live in that space more often?

YES, PLEASE, ABSOLUTELY!

Is it just me or can you relate? If so, how could you improve the language you use? Share your thoughts in the comments below; I’m really curious!

Kris Carr is a multi-week New York Times best-selling author, speaker, and health advocate. Kris is the subject and director of the documentary, Crazy Sexy Cancer, which aired on TLC and The Oprah Winfrey Network, and the author of the award-winning Crazy Sexy Cancer book series. Her latest books, Crazy Sexy DietandCrazy Sexy Kitchen, will change the way you live, love, and eat! Kris inspires countless people to take charge of their health and happiness by adopting a plant-passionate diet, improving lifestyle practices, and learning to live and love like you really mean it. Her motto: Make juice not war! To learn more and join the Crazy Sexy Wellness Revolution, check out Kris’ website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

I have just read your No, Sorry, Thank You Note and was thinking all the way that you were talking about me. Just a week ago I was sitting drinking coffee with a friend and was advised to check on the words I speak as not to Attract unwanted things to my life. Thank you soooooo much for this message!!

Diane Clement

I love this article and your thought around it. I have been working on eliminating a few myself, should, shouldn’t, and needs (in all tenses). It’s amazing how much more specific and positive language can be when we actually say what we mean rather than what falls off our tongue as a result of pattern and habit. Thanks for sharing. I mean that

Owen Johnson

Diane, some time ago I came to the realization that the word “should” (especially when used in 2nd or 3rd person) actually means “I would like it if…” I took it out of my vocabulary because it’s not my call. And Law of Attraction teachers will tell you the word “need” when used in the first person expresses a scarcity mindset. “Want” is better. You’re right, it’s habit, and the words we use program our subconscious thinking.

Bertrand

Sometimes, I use the pretext of the busyness of the day to not fully embrace the time I have, to fully address a heart-felt and meaningful thank you. I tend to address that Thank you, at night, when time slows down, where depth reclaims its space. Further to Kattya’s comment, you got me on that one too!

Celeste

This is an excellent article. Well done. Thank you for looking at how we use language to reveal ourselves. Very original.

therese

i am working on not using the word “but” as someone explained to me that it canceled out whatever you said before it.

RAYYRE

I love this article! Thank you so much for writing this. I will indeed speak with more consciousness. Everything you said here was so true and I felt as if you were speaking directly to me!

Belle

A friend uses the word ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ way too much..you are right in saying -using the words in the wrong way becomes toxic- when she does this all I want to do is ‘run’. Then I am reminded that she was abused and I can remind her that she is worthy and I value her efforts and voice (without the sorry and thank you).

http://www.facebook.com/virginialee.seto Virginia-Lee Seto

I can honestly relate to what you have written Belle. This was essentially my experience after a hellish childhood of being subjected to parental destructive narcissism. Although I did not recognize or understand it at the time, I perpetuated the abuse with partners and a very long line of other destructive individuals. Not having the life skill or the concept that I deserved to be treated with respect and was in fact a person of value, I would constantly apologize as if my being was a mistake and the I was a burden to be tolerated. I realize now that there are a great many loving, kind, and patient human beings that gently have encouraged my healing and growth. With self awareness and the necessary recognition for the mindful impact of language on behavior, I have become more authentic and self-accepting and I now have stopped apologizing unless the situation really warrants a real aploogy.

MammaCarol

Excellent and right on. May I suggest an examination of the ‘I apologize’ phenomenon that has swept the young adult age group. As a ‘well-documented’ entrepreneur I cringe every time an employee brushes their error over with ‘I apologize’, or a telephone operator has taken longer than 3 seconds to find a screen s/he needs, etc. Seems to me, ‘I apologize’ ought to be for something that needs to be apologize for followed by a verbal and/or actioned righting of the wrong. ‘I apologize’ does not wipe away an error and is very much overused.

dorothy

thank you for this article and your truth. so good!

Nic

Agreed. I need to also stop saying “like.” Trouble is, I like saying it and I dont know why.

ELisha Vee

Wonderful message! We had a discussion about these very three responses a few weeks ago. They are very weighty and work on the subconscious in remarkable ways. And I am a firm believer in monitoring one’s “self-talk.” You’d be amazed at what you are actually telling yourself on a regular basis. Great article!

http://twitter.com/CAG_Style Charles G.

Thank you, Kris for this great article. It made me more conscious of how I use language.

Owen Johnson

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Kris, sometimes there’s an implied message in that, and if you included it it would really be: “I’m sorry FOR YOU that you feel that way.” Any person who has the gall to complain not only about the look of your web site, but also the way you look, is obviously an unhappy person and, as I like to say, wants to spread it around. And your “too big” smile made her uncomfortable because she’s a grouch and likes being that way. I went to your site to see what she was talking about and yep, it’s a huge smile. Love it.

On the superfluous use of “thank you” I do it all the time to make someone’s day. Actually, I tend to say gracias, since I live in Mexico and want to demonstrate that I appreciate the Mexican people who allow me to live here and serve me so well. Even the grocery clerk who doesn’t say it, maybe she’ll start. Fact is, I don’t care if it means anything to someone else because it’s my way also of increasing my sense of gratitude.

A sincere thank you for your post!

Jean Russell

Great article. I often find myself saying sorry when something happens that’s not my fault and the other person goes obliviously on their way. It’s like an inbuilt response to somethings, even when someone bumps into you in the supermarket and doesn’t say anything and I say sorry. Your article brings it to the fore for me to look at my language and omit these words when they are unnecessary. Thank you for the reminder.

http://legally-alien.blogspot.com/ R.Bit

I agree Jean about sorry being an inbuilt response. I too instinctively apologise when someone bumps into me but get very annoyed when they don’t respond or worse still, give me a death stare as thought it was *my* fault they bumped into me. This seems to happen a lot these days & I feel like saying sorry is the polite thing to do but as the article says “…when I mindlessly vomit apologies, I’m often left feeling like a powerless doormat. ” and I sure don’t want to be a doormat to some stranger at the supermarket. Thanks for your article Kris!

I often find myself saying sorry when I dont need to when it was the other person who needed to do so- they hurt my feelings or they were abrupt etc with me but I do it to save face and sometimes I dont get a sorry back which does not help things but makes me think on the situation far too long than needed because it seemed I was not given what what seemed fair to me. I find it hard to tell them this though.

Carol

Really great article but what seriously caught my attention was the “humps” analogy. I’m always crossing “humps” and frankly its getting exhausting. Thanks for the tools to make the ride a little less bumpy.

Shaunda

Thank you for sharing!!! I’m working on saying “no” more often to people, places and things that are not good for me. I was a people pleaser most of my life, saying YES to every event, every favor…I started to feel drained. I learned I can’t please everyone. It’s ok to say NO. It’s still hard for me to say sometimes. Work in progress!

That was a well written post. It helped me to see myself and will make a slight adjustments in a couple of areas. Sometimes seeing ourselves can be difficult. Being aware that we hold all of the energy and power for our perspective, our feelings and our creations…ultimately our own happiness…it is all a choice…cognitive or not. What would you like to feel….to create today? Thanks for posting.

E

Sigh… I am reading this blog BECAUSE I am procrastinating on a project that I KNEW I should have said no to. It isn’t even that big of a deal, but I am letting my annoyance appear much much larger than what it takes to get this thing done and over with!!!

http://www.facebook.com/lilopr Lilo Pdll Rjs

Thank you great article SO TRUE!!

worried

First of all, this really struck home to me.. I am constantly afraid of how people perceive me.. even those closest to me, probably being I grew up in a home that was so filled with conflict, I shy away from it, but I am realizing that conflict is a part of life.. and that I can’t run from it.. and the further I run from it, the further I run from my own authenticity… For me, I am trying to take a deep breath before responding and watch my reactions without judgement. it is indeed a journey. I really really appreciate your sharing your vulnerability with us.. namaste..

Not a Psychologist

When I say Thank you, it is always genuine. When I say Sorry, it is always sincere.

I believe kindness is based from lessons in mannerisms and politeness. Far better to be overly polite than insistently rude. Does “Sorry, No Thank You” go together in one sentence? No, I do not believe that is meant to be taken politely and likely comes off as rude as intended. Likely, if requested in an instance which is not possible for engagement, far better to simply say “No, thank you” and perhaps a justifiable honest and true reason.

As for blaming childhood and youth for attitudes of this moment or today, one must at some point begin to take responsibility for their own behaviors, feelings, consequences, and actions. People are each unique and every person on Earth goes through their own trials and tribulations. One’s parents did and does go through tribulations, just as one’s child does experience their own.

Take away the “Thank You” and the “Sorry” and I do not believe that will bring true joy or happiness to the one who is truly feeling or giving the gratitude or consolations.

With faith, it can be incredibly rewarding to consistently thank God. It is good to be thankful if for nothing less than the very next breath or step that you take. We are each in constant motion even as sitting. As a human, everyone maintains dignity and worth.

http://www.facebook.com/amoreeterno Annunziata Tina Sorrentino

Nice article…kind of saw myself in a lot of my sorrys and thank you!! Very inspiring and true…I also have been taking a breath before I blabber unnecessary thank yous and sorrys lately and truth it works wonders! I imagined what I would think and how I would see another who thanked me for nothing and apologized for nothing….would almost seem unreal!!! No on the other hand has been on my side…my nos have brought me a lot of respect and appreciation. Great writing! Thank you cause this deserves a thank you!:)

Maribeth

Goodness, I felt that I was reading about myself, so often I have struggled with the sorry and for me in particular the “sure” word has gotten way out of hand. “Sure, I’ll drive you back to NY from MA., Sure, I’ll loan you my brand new designer evening gown that I haven’t even worn yet. Sorry is like “ya know?” for me, ya know? Sometimes I am not even aware that I did to myself again until it’s too late. YIKES! I work on it and sometimes see a light at the end of the tunnel when I find myself uttering the elusive ‘no.’ I remain a work in progress.

Terre D.

This article could not have come at a better time in my life! Appreciate it very Much Kriss Carr!

http://www.facebook.com/vanessa.s.walker Vanessa Spack Walker

Wow. I appreciate this article; its timeliness in my own journey is impeccable. Love your use of language and understanding of the many layers of meaning. The “Thank you” Pez dispenser metaphor is hilarious and helpful. My daughter does the same with “sorry”. I will reread this and share it. Thank you for your perspective.

tonia

Sometimes when I talk to family I tend to use bad words and I do have control with how I express myself. This shines a light to keep a positve way of communication regardless of who I talk to. Thanks

Mia

Kris, you amaze me! This post is brilliant! It is so “you” connecting with your peeps. I found once I was diagnosed with cancer said “I am sorry”, all day, every day for everything. I hate it! This post is making me go on a “sorry” cleanse. Thank you for you! You are my inspiration and hero Mia

KarmaStarr

This article is so very much me! Practically every one of your situations was like looking at a mirrored reflection of myself. Thank you for being so honest and real about sharing your areas of opportunity for growth.

Anxious

Kris, this so hits home, especially the last line “Yes, please, absolutely”. These were sent in a text of mine last night. How challenging to unravel these things that we do and having no idea why or if it is healthy. I keep analysing and checking on myself, what I say or do and how it affects others, am over sensitive and apply that to others therefore constantly apologising if I think that I may have hurt someone. It is no life living so anxious all the time. Realising that I so easily adapt to becoming what I believe a partner that I totally love needs me to be, and saying the words like absolutely and fantastic and wonderful because they have said things to me like “don’t be over enthusiastic”…. it is a long road and I have no idea where to start or how to do it but am completely burned out at trying to be perfect, yet all that work has not made a difference in how unworthy I feel. Thank you for your post, there is so much in it that hits the target right on!!