Connect with Us

Monkey See

9:54 am

Mon March 3, 2014

Stages Of Winter Rage

A man shovels snow. He's probably around the middle one of all the stages of rage, we figure. Though if he were sobbing, you couldn't see it.

Lisa Kyle YoungiStockphoto

[The following is a purely speculative, hypothetical story of winter. It corresponds to no actual meteorological data.]

October 20: Eeeeeeee! Snow in the forecast! Eeeeeeee!

October 21: I saw flakes! Here's an Instagram of flakes out my window! You can't really see them, but they're there, I promise! Flakes!

November 3: There are tiny bits of snow landing on my windshield, and it is the most charming thing I've ever seen in my life. Snow is the best. Snow is fairy dust for grown-ups. Snow is the universe hugging me.

November 14: I looked out my window this morning and there was a coating of snow on the ground, and it's so pretty that I didn't even mind having to brush it off my car. Snow is so beautiful. Here's a selfie of me pointing to a tree with snow on it. It melted by noon. :(

November 20: Snow, yaaaay! I went outside and the neighbor's dog was running around in it and I almost died of happiness because snow is absolutely the best and happiest thing.

November 30: Well, my trip back from Thanksgiving was a little dicey with the coating of slush on the streets, but the turkey was delicious!

December 10: A little too much winter in my winter wonderland this morning. Had to reschedule my doctor's appointment and almost slipped getting from my door to the car. Be careful out there!

December 19: Flight delayed for de-icing. Cab late. Sigh.

December 25: WHITE CHRISTMAS WOOOOOOOO!

December 26: Sheesh, I wanted a white Christmas, but that didn't require nine inches of snow.

December 27: Wow, enough already. Sore back from shoveling. Made a snowman, though! Here's his picture!

January 5: Froze my nose hairs, which is a first. WTF?

January 10: Uh, I think I just killed my car driving over a pothole the size of a bathtub. Stop fluctuating, temperatures.

January 19: Fell and practically killed myself on the sidewalk this morning after a zillionth of an inch of freezing rain. My knee is going to be the size of a bowling ball.

January 24: Have you ever seen what a half-inch of ice looks like on a windshield? It looks like [REDACTED] you, winter.

February 8: Everything is closed. I was supposed to have people over tonight, and nobody can come because there's a foot of snow coming and it's eight degrees and it's not supposed to get warmer until at least Friday.

February 12: Hey, Target, maybe learn how to clear your parking lot, or at least fill up HALF your spaces ENTIRELY with snow instead of ALL your spaces HALFWAY with snow and also WHY DON'T YOU SELL GLOVES AFTER JANUARY WHEN IT'S 15 DEGREES OUTSIDE?

February 25: I should really buy good snow boots for next year.

March 3: Winter is a man-eating hell-demon sent by the forces of evil to break my spirit and my coccyx. It should [REDACTED] die already and [REDACTED] it if it doesn't because winter is full of [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] winter forever.