Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Burnt

Okay, I'm angry.

I called PC during lunch just to exchange a friendly "Hi! How's your day?" and got an earful. And frankly, I'm ticked off.

Our former psychopath of a boss called PC and accused me of a number of things from deleting information to spreading rumors that PC was quitting her company entirely. Neither is true and is just one more example of this woman being an evil, manipulative bitch who is trying to stir up problems between PC and I. And successfully apparently.

So, I'm pissed at her. I can't call her to straighten her out until I leave work, but believe me I will.

Second, how dare PC question me. In truth, I feel as if my entire integrity was called into question by my "boyfriend" and I'm furious. Why he didn't tell her in NO uncertain terms that she needed to discuss these issues directly with me and END it makes me seriously question HIM. Instead, he heard her out, relayed her messages and asked me about these things. Sure, he said he "didn't think I would do things like that" but what pisses me off is that he should (1) KNOW I wouldn't do anything like that and (2) TELL THAT BITCH that he is not going to discuss me with her and she needs to speak directly to me. By letting her voice her lies about me to him, he may as well be throwing our entire relationship to chance because I am deeply offended.

He's meeting with her tomorrow night and you can bet I'm going to be pissed off, imagining her saying nasty things about me while he nods in agreement the entire time.

You know, just when you think you have a partner - someone on YOUR side, they fucking let you down by even remotely calling your integrity into question. Besides being angry, I'm hurt. There's nothing to even be said at this point. I don't want him "defending" me but he has a responsibility to not allow someone else to rant about me to him.

This may seem small, but this is a BIG deal to me. Huge. This speaks VOLUMES to me about loyalty and I thought we were a little more of a team than this.

Nice to know where I stand...

Yeah, I know PC occasionally reads this blog. But I needed to vent or explode and I made it clear to PC from day 1 that reading my blog was reading my diary and wouldn't always be fun and was done at his own risk.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Monday

The new job went well today. Essentially my duties are to "be there". I have a desk as large as my entire guest room and I'm in a very private office that only the President/Owner, the other Exec Asst and me have access to. It's enormous. I share a private kitchen with the other assistant and the President has his own as well. I have an entire cabinet full of boxes of Godiva. It's...well, it's amazing.

I admit to being a tad bored, but it's hard to complain much about that! I get paid very well to just be there for whatever he needs!

PC's day went well too. It looks like our life is finally moving ahead.

I didn't sleep well last night and fell asleep promptly upon coming home. PC cooked dinner for us and spent his evening in our home office on conference calls and preparing for tomorrow. I like that he works from home. Late nights aren't much of an issue when he's right there.

I wish I had something more exciting to say, but I don't. I'm still a bit tired and actually I've been looking forward to snuggling up to PC all day long so I need to get to it!

I'll compensate for my boring post with a present for you...here's a terribly grainy and blacked out picture of PC and I.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Day Before the New Life

Tomorrow starts my new job and I am both nervous and excited. PC's new job officially starts tomorrow also. An ironic twist for us. He's going to be on track to make a shit-load of money (certainly more than I imagined seeing in my life) and I'll be working with a salary more generous than I've gotten in a few years myself. Between the both of us, I am expecting financial woes to be long behind us. In fact, I am excited about the possibilities.

I spent most of the day in a coma. Apparently the travel caught up to me and I dropped off and wasted an entire day in a stupifyingly sound sleep. I woke groggy and sluggish and had to drag myself off to do the promised grocery shopping courtesy of PC.

I cooked a Chinese feast tonight to celebrate the Chinese New Year. SG, still obsessed with Asia, wore a kimono to dinner and regaled us both with her Asian knowledge. PC is looking into taking us both to Beijing for the 2008 Olympics which has SG on cloud 9.

I feel like I am on the verge of something incredible. Certainly a better life. I've never known another life beyond paycheck to paycheck while PC once lived in a fine mansion and traveled the world spending $10,000 a month on dining out. He's anxious to get back to it and I am prepared to learn a new way of life. I'm comfortable around people who have money, but having it myself will be something new and unusual. I once imagined I wouldn't enjoy it but I have to admit I am already mentally spending it on professional hair cuts, gym memberships and furnishing our condo.

I imagine adapting won't be too much of a problem.

It should take a few months to catch up on my way late bills but then I should have the luxury of socking away some extra cash for rainy days.

PC spent the day with his boys and seems to have come to some understanding with his STBX on his son's birthday. I'm relieved. Now I can let her live without my foot up her ass.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Redemption, Home Again and An Unexpected Side Trip

I didn't get to blog earlier today, but I'm home now! Home feels good, but I really enjoyed the trip!

First, redemption. I have to back down on my previous post and right the wrong I did to PC. I stand by my bitching that he behaved in a manner that wasn't respectful but there has been a bit more to add now. First, as I said - I let him know it peeved me and he immediately apologized. In truth, it probably had more to do with how I was feeling (frumpy in my heavy wintery duds with my messy, unstyled and humidity free limp hair). We went out again Friday night with the same pair (Dave & James) and it was immediately clear to me that PC took my words VERY seriously (or he read the blog) because he was the picture of attentiveness and made a point of not looking at another female gendered human until it became overly obvious how hard he was trying and I had to comment "Was I that bitchy last night about it?" I had to laugh and tell him I didn't expect him to be blind. Either way, PC cared a lot about how I felt and made a stellar effort to be a gentlemen. I firmly believe after both nights and what I saw that I witnessed nothing more than boys will be boys behavior and that PC is indeed very committed to me.

For the entire trip, PC stopped at nothing to ensure I was well cared for and happy. With my new job not starting until Monday, I was broker than broke and PC kept me fed, entertained and with a few dollars on hand. He rented a car for the express purpose of me being able to go play. He paid extra and changed his flight to be able to fly with me home and, let's face it - he brought me to begin with. He could have very easily left me home so he could go "play" if that was his game and he made a ton of effort to have me nearby. I feel completely secure in saying that PC can keep the PC monicker and that I overreacted.

Our flight was mysteriously changed today when we arrived at OHare and rather than change planes in Atlanta, GA we ended up flying through JFK in New York City. My lifelong dream (besides seeing snow!) has been to visit NYC so I was floored to be able to go through it. Unfortunately our layover was shortened from 3 hours to 1 hour and I had to be content to see the skyline from the window.

We were switched from Delta to Delta Song - which is an awesome plane. TV's at every seat, fun food (affordable!), great service and a really enjoyable flight. PC and I stretched out and listened to music, tv and played trivia. The flight "flew" by.

And, we're home. EH is about to deliver my daughter to me since he has early plans and PC is bickering with his demonic bitch of a STBX (soon to be ex) about seeing his kids this week. His "regular" visit days are Weds. and 1 weekend day. Well, youngest son's birthday falls on Weds. PC was looking forward to seeing his son for the usual 2 hours that night and STBX (who has already thrown a birthday party this past Friday leaving PC out of it) is fighting that he shouldn't get the special treat of a birthday with his son since he "left his family". PC was very nice while I silently seethed and reminded her that he was divorcing HER and not the family. I wish she could pull it together and remain a parenting team. EH and I have managed to do it great and it's infinitely better for us and SG. EH has been amazing and it's a testament to the man he is that he's been able to focus on the family outside of our personal relationship. I would easily consider EH to be a best friend and I am grateful we have that. It's a monument to what we once had rather than both of us feeling bitter and hateful and ruining 12 years of memories.

Speaking of...I better run to greet SG who is due back any second! Thanks to those who sided with me on my rant about PC's appreciation for the ladies, but I feel pretty confident that I still have an amazing man on my hands and I plan to keep him. If he steps out of line, I'll be the first to call it - believe me - but right now, I have to learn to trust again. I haven't been able to trust since EH's cyber-fuck-fest with Rhonda and it's time to work on that. PC may have a past (but so do I) and he deserves the chance to be innocent until proven guilty.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Funks at The Funky Buddah

Well, it couldn't all be perfect.

Last night, PC decided we should hit downtown Chicago for dinner, drinks and dancing (the 3 D's). I was thrilled. Even better, 2 guys we have become friendly with were joining us. I wished for something a little "sexier" to wear, but in anticipation of cold weather (and a recent shopping drought in my life) I was woefully without.

We dined at Emmitt's Irish Pub. My first clue that something was wrong was before we even sat. PC led us all to a booth directly across from a table of pretty girls. One of the guys (we'll call him Dave) thanked PC for his seat choice, indicating the women and PC gave his cocky grin and let it be known that it was by design. Now Dave and the other guy (we'll call him James) are both in committed relationships - married & engaged. So this irked me off the bat. Then I got to listen to all 3 of them rate the women, agreeing on who was the hottest, who had the best body, and so on. I blew it off, but the tone was set.

The waitress wsa cute and Dave was delighting in flirting with her. As flirts go, Dave was an amateur whereas PC truly is a master. I suppose at some point PC couldn't hold back any longer and began his own minor flirting. A simple remark here and there. Dave, meanwhile is high-fiving PC for all of this.

Now PC is victim to 2 faults here. 1, he's incredibly competitive. He'll do anything on a dare and he can't not show someone up. 2, he's not a wingman - he thrives on being the leader of the pack, the star, the main attraction.

Downhill from here.

We finished our meal and crossed the street to The Funky Buddah - a totally, hip and happening spot that I would have normally loved. We sat and had a few drinks in a seat near the door and it began again. Every woman walking in was critiqued, rated and discussed. Dave and James were all over it, daring each other to talk to certain women and I could tell PC was itching to play the game. Show 'em how it's done. I knew without a doubt that I was in the way. Had I not been there, he would have "schooled them" on womanizing.

Needless to say, I was irritated. PC eventually picked up on my temperature and I let it be known I felt it was completely disrespectful to me to sit there and listen to PC rate women. He apologized and pacified me with kisses, but I couldn't help wondering what if I hadn't been there.

The evening ended on a better note and hopefully we can forget it. But that little voice in my head is whispering beware and I can't help feeling slighted.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

That Smile

I've mentioned PC's killer smile a number of times, I know. If you passed him on the street (and you were a woman) you might think to yourself He's a good looking man. But if you happened to be gifted with his smile you could easily find yourself stopped in your tracks and staring, possibly drooling. I kid you not. I've seen it happen.

PC has this easy and genuine smile. His green eyes crinkle at the corners and he has this boyish charm that melts any defenses. Add to that his warm, friendly personality and no woman is safe.

The reason I mention his smile today is because I am suddenly very aware of my own. I've had this smile plastered on my face for days now. I used to smile all the time until October 2005 and until this week, I haven't done too much of it. Suddenly, the world is a different place.

PC and I joined some of his fellow trainees for a fine meal at Jamesons Steakhouse for a seriously delicious meal last night. We turned in around 9 for some overdue skin time. It was worth the wait. PC has this way of just pouncing on me that takes my breath away. How long did I long for someone to grab me that way?

So many things I have longed for have come into my life recently. I had to go through a great deal of doubt and pain to reach it, but here I am. Smiling.

PC is renting me a car to explore today...I'm not sure where the day will take me, but I can't wait to find out.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Chi-town

I kissed PC goodbye this morning and jumped a train to Chicago's downtown. 8 hours later and my feet are numb!

I walked for miles. I ice-skated in Millennium (sic?) Park's outdoor rink, went to the top of the Sears tower and savored a hot dog with everything on it. Ordinary hot dogs will never be the same...my word, those are fucking amazing!

As I write this, PC just stopped in for a quick break and smothered me with kisses. I just can't help beaming around him. With the new jobs for us both and so much stress off my shoulders, I am finally getting to actually enjoy him and I am awestruck by him.

It took time. First, I had to learn to stop comparing his every breath to EH. Then I had to survive the stress. But I'm lucky to have made it through and STILL have him by my side. I couldn't begin to describe how good he is for me. And I still have a million moments a day where I look at him and think "Wow...he's mine!"

On other notes - thank all of you for your comments. I really do read them religiously and every one of them makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I got a few emails telling me some other blog has "stolen" large portions of my blog and I checked it out for myself. Yep. There they were! It doesn't bother me since I just ramble on. Heck, I'm just amazed someone bothered at all!

It's been so long since I have been this happy...but I'm beginning to truly believe it was all worth the wait.

It snowed all over me last night. For a few glorious moments it just rained down on me hard and I was in heaven. It may not snow again, but the fact that it snowed like that on my birthday was purely magic for me.

PC is enjoying his training and I enjoy seeing him interact with the others. He commands respect and attention and it was easy to note that the other men were drawn to him. They seemed fascinated by his every word and entertained by his humor. I was so proud to be with him. I just watched him and admired...

I checked my voicemails and found out that I WILL start my new job Monday after all, so things are truly going well for me!

I'm going to go explore the city on my own today. We're staying in a suburb "Palatine" so I will have to navigate the trains to get there, but I expect it to not be too hard to do.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Magic

I was as nervous as can be with my 2 flights to Chicago but when the plan began to descend for the final time and I saw snow on the rooftops and ground, I cried.

I arrived at the hotel and PC's charms were already evident as the desk clerk took the time to comment on "what a great guy he is". I dashed to the room to ditch my luggage and was surprised to find myself face to face with PC all dressed in a suit and looking sexy as hell. Talk about great gift wrapping!

PC commented that there had been snow flurries and I threw open the balcony doors and after a second or two was astonished to have snowflakes land on my face. No amount of imagining could have prepared me. I actually jumped back the first time thinking I had gotten hit with dust or dirt before I understood. A quick kiss and I apologized but I HAD to go play in it.

I spent some time in the courtyard in pure wonder. Every few moments flurries would rain down on me and I would savor it. I threw myself into a snowbank a few times, built the worlds smallest snowman and stood outside turning around and around taking it in. A man saw me and immediately surmised I was PC's girl. Apparently PC had let it be known I was coming and would likely be playing in the snow.

It's been impossible to wipe the huge smile off of my face and there have been tears of pure joy. PC even commented that I was like a little kid.

I'm never going to forget my 33rd birthday...it's by far the greatest!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Chance of Flurries/Definite Stars

12 hours. 720 minutes.43,200 seconds.

Countdown to my plane departure!

Assuming I don't break down, get a flat tire, oversleep or somehow screw this up, I will be on my way to meet PC in 12 hours. I can't wait. The forecast is calling for flurries in the afternoon and I am praying they deliver. I couldn't ask for a better birthday present than to feel snowflakes on my cheeks and taste them. Oh, and of course, roll in the snow, throw the snow, build snowmen and ice forts and make snow angels. I have a long list of snow plans. We "snow-deprived" folks who have never seen snow tend to be dazzled by the novelty. You have to remember I have lived my entire life in South Florida where it's perfectly normal to go to the beach before opening Christmas presents on Dec. 25th.

The snow is/would be amazing and a dream come true, but it still falls secondary to seeing PC. After 60 hours apart, I am suffering. His voice on the phone and his IMs are a comfort, but not as good as finding my place with my head on his chest, tucked up under his right arm and curling my fingers in his chest hair while he snuggles close. Even snow can't beat that. The very idea that he went to such trouble to be with me on my birthday has me moon-eyed...

There's a better than good chance that I won't see much of him as he works and trains and meets and team leads during his stay, but it's enough that he wanted me close and that I'll get to curl up in my place to sleep. It's enough that I'll get to kiss him good night, breathe his Pasha smell and rain kisses on his face. It's enough to feel him. To kiss his back in his sleep the way I love to do. To see him smile at me with that killer smile. It's more than enough...it's monumental.

Murphy's Law is defined as "any of certain humorous universal truths stating that anything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong". The phrase was actually born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981. One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law.

Murphy would have loved me. Murphy's Law is a constant in my life.

I had an interview this morning. It went very well, the office is extremely close to my home, the hours are ideal and the building is beautiful. The salary is $12,000 less than I make now. It was hardly worth getting dressed up for. On my way home, my cell rang. An employment agency I was working with told me they had good news and great news. The good news? The job I wanted most is not only offering me the position, but upped the salary by $8000. The great news (I kid you not) was that the agent proclaimed to have just saved a ton of money on car insurance. Ah...Monday humor.

Murphy's Law? Oh, yes - they want me to start tomorrow.

You know, tomorrow? The day I am flying to Chicago? My birthday?

I tried to explain that I could not start until Monday and they hassled me a bit. I told them I would call them back. I'm waiting to talk to PC to determine his thoughts on the subject.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Off He Goes...

PC hopped his plane bright and early this morning to head for Chicago. Well, maybe not bright since it was still dark outside, but certainly early.

I'll be joining him after all. I fly in on the 24th (my birthday) and meet him after his day of training is done. I'm both nervous and excited, having never been to Chi-town and worrying over flying alone.

I'm beginning to relax more around PC and accept that he is different from what I am accustomed to. PC has his own way of handling things and to constantly measure him to how EH did them is fruitless. If PC seemed overly quick to part with a brief kiss this morning it's not a lack of love as I would typically analyze it to be, but rather his own way of operating. I have to learn that it doesn't mean he loves me less.

My dreams continue to be exceptionally vivid lately. Add to that a certain weirdish feeling in my stomach and you have me scratching my head...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

That little light

Every Friday night, PC and I rotate "date night". Last night was my turn. I had planned out a meal and used my last few dollars to gather some items - candles from the $1 store, capers, lemon juice, doilies...a feast of chicken piccata and candlelight. Just before I actually set the chicken to cook, PC called and told me to stop and put it all away. We were going out for dinner.

And not just any dinner. A feast at my all-time favorite restaurant The Mai Kai. Pricey, to say the least, and ultimately wonderful. Strolling the Tiki gardens, watching a dinner show of dancers, drumming and fire twirling, dimly lit room and sitting close to a man with a smile that still melts me.

PC is leaving tomorrow morning for his 7 day training in Chicago. Last night, he asked if I wanted to go along. Air fare is still reasonable and it looks like PC might be whisking me off to the Windy City for a few days. He'll be tied up most of the time, but the idea of exploring a new place has me all aflutter - even better, I am praying for snow. I've never seen snow and I've yearned to play in it. Here's hoping it comes to fruition.

Part of me wants to go and the other part wants to be sure I don't get in his way while he's doing something so important. I'll be happy either way. It means something that he wanted me there.

I treated myself to a little birthday present today. A movie. PC "lent" me some cash to hold me and I was cooped up and needed a break. I saw Last Holiday and it was inspirational. If you're feeling a case of the blahs (as I have been for MONTHS now!) this is a film to encourage you to live.

For the first time in so long I feel hopeful and inspired.

My actual birthday is Tuesday - and if I DO go to Chicago, I'll fly out on Tuesday. If you read my blog last year, you know that I am a fanatic about birthdays - especially my own. I expect parades and parties and princess treatment. This year, I've been quiet. No obnoxious reminding the world how many days until I age again and no demanding special things. So much has changed.

And I guess I have too. I'll be 33 on Tuesday. Older? Yes. Wiser? That remains to be seen. But I'm feeling a bit more encouraged to welcome another year in this life and see where it takes me.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Dreaming...

I've always believed strongly in the power of dreams - especially my own. I tend to have very vivid dreams and often, premonitions. So when I have especially detailed dreams, as I did last night - I am quick to want to interpret them.

DreamMoods has a great site for this. I looked up all of my aspects and can certainly see some insights. I've spared you the long, complex and random dream story and just left definitions below of what I saw in my dream. I looked up everything I could recall seeing.

SharkTo see a shark in your dream, represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Alternatively, you may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. The shark symbolizes feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.

IslandTo dream that you are in stranded on a island, signifies that you are in a rut and do not quite know what to do with your life. On the other hand, you may be seeking some solitude. Perhaps you are running away from a situation instead of trying to confront it.

TortoiseTo see a tortoise in your dream, suggests that you need to take some chances in order to get ahead in life. The opportunities for advancement are opened to you, but you need to take the next step.

BoatTo dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies you ability to cope and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether is is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself.

FishTo see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish, represents insights which have been brought to the surface.

IntercomTo see or use an intercom in your dream, suggests that you are always readily available to those who need your help. It also symbolizes your acute awareness to your surroundings and to those around you.

ArgumentTo dream that you are arguing, suggests that you are trying to resolve some internal conflict or some unsettled issue in your waking life. Consider the symbolism of whom you are arguing with and what you are arguing about. How does he or she reflect some person or soma aspect of yourself in your waking life?

FenceTo see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world.

OceanTo see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

BeachTo see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.

To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc. (In my dream, it was calm)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

How does a woman make a transition to "girlfriend" status after 10 years of being a wife? I admit, I am floundering here.

The last time I was a "girlfriend", I was in high school. Now I am not only a girlfriend, but a live-in girlfriend. How much trickier does it get?

I have no say so in how PC lives his life or planning for a future beyond the next few weeks. I can't assume anything with him. He can come and go as he pleases and I suppose I can too. I can't comment on finances or family or future plans because, frankly, it's none of my business and I should be grateful for what he DOES share, right?

It's not that PC isn't wonderful. I really should blog more about how amazing he is. And if I were an ordinary, sane girl - this would be a snap! He's kind, loving, sexy-as-hell and easy to get along with. He's the perfect man. But me, I'm a 10 year veteran wife who has no idea how I am or am not supposed to behave as a newly downgraded wife-to-girlfriend.

I'm still working on this downgrade, so bear with me. PC's still amazing. I'm the one who's confused as hell. I admit that I miss the "stability" of a marriage but primarily because I just can't quite figure out my boundaries in this girlfriend role.

Still no word on the job, after a stellar 2nd interview. The word is that it looks very optimistic for me, but the lack of an offer days later has me concerned (and broke!).

I'm recovering from a night out with PC, my sister and her fiancee. We hung out at Blue Martini in West Palm Beach and I drank martinis. I don't usually like martinis, but the Raspberry Sweet Tart they served me was especially delicious and damned if that drink didn't sneak up on me. I was fine one moment and 3 later I realized I was loaded. By the time I got home I was in pain and by the time I was in bed I was in agony. A night of excruciating head pain and vomiting. I thought I was a dead woman. On the bright side, PC has now been exposed to the symphonic sounds of my retching and purports to still love me.

I'm floundering a bit without the job offer I was counting on...today I may actually have to spend the day cleaning. God help me.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I Have a Dream...

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." --- Martin Luther King Jr.

Everyone knows MLK Jr's "I have a dream..." quote, but the one I have listed above is truly my favorite. Thank you to all who spoke about a blog change, but I'm going to stick it out in one place and stop censoring myself. My thoughts range from the important to mundane and to love me is to know them both. Should someone read something that is so powerful that it alters their interactions with me, then so be it.

10 minutes before 9 am my cell phone rang and I've been called back for a 2nd interview. I have enough pride to read into the early call and the fact that my agent (employment service) said that the company had responded to him over the weekend to feel good about this possible job. Confident even. How long has it been since I could feel confident?

PC has gone to help a friend and I am left to stretch in my home and prepare for what I hope will be a great interview.

I'm finding small pieces of myself again. Not enough to be whole, but at least some scraps of the person I remember being once. Now I suppose it's a matter of putting them back together and finding out who I am now. I know I've changed. The last 2 years have been full of such huge life-changing events...

The new job will be a really positive first step towards reclaiming a life to call mine. I've been weak for, well, weeks and it's time to get back on my feet.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

I found this quote and couldn't help but recognize myself in this one. I have been under major depression and have felt unable to construct a future.

It looks like I may be turning a corner.

PC has several income solutions coming his way and I interviewed for what appears to be a GREAT job with an AMAZING (and uber-successful!) company working in a high-level position. And...they liked me. They want to meet with me again - hopefully Monday!

The future seems so much brighter. I can breathe...

Friday night I was in a jolly mood for the first time in weeks and PC had his turn at "date night". (We rotate Friday nights). Since we're still broke, PC cooked me a fine meal of steak, artichoke hollandaise and spinach salad served with wine in the flickering glow of candles with soft music filling the house. The bedroom was another sea of candles and offered a blindfold, a wooden hanger and a sex toy. I'll spare you the details except to say...whew!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sometimes you can't share everything...

Sometimes you just can't share it all. There are so many things I have left out of my blog - some because I wasn't ready to face it myself, some because of who might read it...some because I don't understand it all myself.

I didn't tell you about the time I was nearly raped in Orlando by a friend. Remember the first trip when I first "dirty danced" with PC (then "Playboy")? The next morning I had to wake my ride (who was still drunk from the night before) and we had a 30 minute serious wrestling match where he tried to pin me down and remove my clothes while touching himself and ignoring my protests. I can still see that stupid smile on his face. I told no one.

I don't tell you how broke I am right now. Less than $8 to my name and nearly out of gas with no sure income in my future. How I actually considered sending SG to stay with EH and moving into a Woman's Shelter to give PC the room he needs to spend time with his boys.

I don't tell you how afraid I am of making a mistake every day with my choices. How I worry that I'm just a complete fuck-up.

I don't talk about how hard it is to adjust to a new relationship. I was spoiled and accustomed to being the center of EH's world. I used to wish he were more independent. PC is very independent and I have a hard time dealing with not being the most important thing in his day. PC used to read this blog daily because my thoughts mattered. He doesn't anymore. Does that mean my thoughts no longer matter? What would he learn about me and the things I don't say if he did read? Would he still want me?

I don't talk about how alone I feel. Or the 498 doubts I have about myself, my life, my future. Of how I believe PC is or will grow tired or bored with me and all of my mental traumas while I try to find my way back onto my own 2 feet.

I haven't shared how hard it is to be without friends and family to call and chat with or see and spend time with. Or to have heart to heart talks with.

I don't discuss how I worry that I have ruined 8 or 9 lives with my choices.

I used to share it all. Every thought. Somewhere along the line I clammed up and now there are hundreds of things in my head that I don't share with anyone. Not even my blog. Am I cheating you? Me? PC? At some point I stopped trusting my own thoughts and words enough to keep some - well, many - of them locked inside where they sit and twist and turn and hurt.

Sometimes you can't share everything. Sometimes you have to face it alone and see what comes of it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'm still blue, but a lighter shade today. I am focusing heavily on finding a career change which I think will help me feel stronger.

PC feels far away to me and I am not entirely sure if it's him with his walls or me with my depression. I just know that I feel like we're on different planes of existence at the moment.

I'm watching the groceries in the house dwindle down to nail-biting proportions. Is there a nutritional value to nail-biting? Because that may become necessary at this rate...

Well, look on the bright side. I wanted to lose a few pounds. This oughta do it.

I think if there was not so much pressure about money, jobs, families and personal stresses that PC and I could be great together. As it stands at the moment, the mountains of problems are keeping us from really getting to be together. We go through all of the motions of a couple, but something is missing and I think I know what that something is. The ability to focus on "us" for a change. Right now we're individually trying to focus on our own crisises. I honestly have no idea if we'll find a way to work it all out and that is sad... We never really got a chance to BE a couple because we've been slaying dragons since the first day. Another day, another crisis. When all is said and done I wonder if we will end up too exhausted from the battles to be together or find ourselves strangers when the smoke clears.

I want a chance to be a couple. I know it's too much to ask right now, but what the hell am I supposed to want? I want to go out to dinner and have nothing more to talk about than news, our childhood, our friends or something funny we saw or did. I want to be able to take SG bowling, skating, to a movie...anything so that we can spend time together as a makeshift family.

I want to make plans that don't get interrupted, delayed, rescheduled or ruined by money, soon-to-be ex-wives or stress. How can we figure out our future together when we have no quality time to do it? This is like the FEMA of relationships.

PC will be gone for an entire week over my birthday, and yes...that sucks. I know how important it is to him, but it's going to be hard to deal with. He says we can do something 'before' but I don't see that as realistic. No money, packing, preparing, seeing his boys, etc before he leaves and all the same the moment he returns on the following Sunday. I think the reality is that this year's birthday is going to be one of deep thought and contemplation. I'll be completely alone (SG spends that night with EH) and I think I'm going to make some decisions about what's right for me.

Because I have to tell you, spending my birthday completely alone with no family, friends or lovers to let me know that I matter is a pretty big eye-opener that this life isn't quite shaping up to be what I need to be happy and I'm fucking tired of being depressed and feeling burdensome to this world. There needs to be some changes made...

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Shade of Blue

Feeling blue is still the norm for me and today being Monday does nothing to improve that outlook.

The weekend beyond King Tut was, for the most part uneventful. Sunday, PC and I woke and said we wanted to claim the day for ourselves! We made a big pancake breakfast for us & SG and just as we sat down, Ex called and PC disappeared into another room for 30 minutes while SG and I ate alone. I wasn't thrilled and told him that it bothered me. I felt that both SG and I had been extremely respectful of any time he speaks to Ex or spends time with Ex/Kids and I just wanted some respect for our side too. There was no reason not to say "Hey, I'm having breakfast can I call you back in a few minutes?" PC agreed and apologized so there was no reason to quarrel.

We took SG to a park and sat on a bench while she played. We talked about business ideas and ways to start a business. We'd latch onto one idea and beat it into the ground until it either died or thrived. By evening we hit upon an idea that could actually work and we're both exploring it.

Today, PC held a phone interview with a large company that he wants to work for in the meanwhile. He got the offer and is flying to Chicago for 7 days. Great! Only, it's on my birthday. And PC has this history of cheating on business trips. And all I have to do is think about it and I feel sick inside.

So, my birthday will be a lonely one. Much deserved I am sure. It's the same night EH has SG, so not even my daughter will be around. My sister, newly engaged, has a bridal show with my stepmother and we won't even mention my mother, will we? So, I will most definitely be alone. And grumpy. And feeling awfully sorry for myself.

I wouldn't dream of telling PC not to go but I feel entitled to pout just a bit. Times are really hard right now and I've been battling a mean case of the blues for weeks now, so dumping me alone on my birthday just plain sucks no matter how you square it.

And so, I feel a little blue-r.

Things just don't seem to work right now. I keep trying to believe they will work out, but I feel like I'm in this downward spiral and I don't know what to do.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Born in Arizona, Moved to Babylonia

With nods to Steve Martin's comic genius, the title of this post comes from "King Tut".

The exhibit went off today without a hitch. PC's entry time was an hour before ours and he had already left before we even arrived. I did learn later that his Ex was there while I was but our paths never crossed...how fortunate!

Despite all the boo-hooing reviews in our local paper about disappointed patrons, I found the exhibit to be quite intriguing. It's amazing to be inches away from 3500 year old artifacts. I had no idea they had folding stools in ancient Egypt, did you?

I went with EH and SG, but ran into BestFriendM and her family before even getting in line and walked around with them. It was fine. Nothing noteworthy on the interaction.

EH brought me home by 3:30 pm and since PC was a good hour and a half behind me, I drank. Yep. Drank. Drink. Drank. Drunk. I'm an adult, SG is with EH and I can drink if I wanna. So I drank.

Funny enough, drinking wasn't on my agenda until I heard an ad on the radio coming home that was probably advising against drinking and sounded more like an endorsement..."Sure, it makes all your problems go away for awhile. Sure the pain stops. Yes, you feel good. Yes, you can numb yourself to all your troubles for awhile..." then I switched stations before I could hear the "but's" because what I did hear sounded pretty damned good for the moment! Woo-hoo!!!

So...I'm very much under the influence at this very moment. I can't feel my tongue. PC came home to me singing in Austrian and playing Mahjongg. I'm a wild & crazy drunk. Watch out!!!

Yep, I left 400 things out of this post. Interesting, dramatic exchanges between myself and EH. Probably what made me drink to begin with. But...if I drank to forget them for the moment, why would I rehash them here WHILE drinking??? Hah!!! Not likely. Nice try!

No way. I'm going to go sing some more in Austrian. I love Falco, don't you? I have no idea what I am actually singing, but it's so much fun.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Creeping

My spirits seem to have improved, even if my situation has not. There are distant promises of money to pay bills, yet that doesn't resolve the immediate need.

Do you ever find yourself doing silly things that serve no purpose? The other night I was scrolling through my cell phone contacts and noticing how many people I couldn't call to talk to and saw the entry "Home". The number was the house phone of the townhouse EH and I shared up until October. I called it. I wasn't sure what I expected but somehow the tinny female voice telling me that "The number you have reached is not in service" seemed so appropriate.

Tomorrow should be quite a day. The kind they make sitcoms about. We're going to the King Tut Museum exhibit...we bought our tickets 6 months ago when our lives were all very different. We have a specific "entry time" to go in. The cast of characters attending this event include: me, EH and SG...PC/PlayBoy and his 2 sons...PC's ex-wife and her daughter...Best FriendM, GrabbyMan and their two boys.

Yeah...I hope security is beefed up. I can't even imagine what to expect. I'll be going with EH & SG since we had planned it that way. EH and I remain on excellent terms and continue to greet and part with hugs and kisses on the cheek. We talk in emails from time to time about non-essential things. PC will be there with his two boys and we will keep a respectful distance. EH tends to just ignore PC and PC responds by staying out of his way. Ultimately, EH is a fantastic man with the constitution of a saint and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate that.

PC's Ex...not so much. I'm concerned that she might cause a scene in front of the children. I don't blame her for hating me, however misguided her thoughts are, but I do remember how I felt and I understand. I just don't want to expose the children to it. The problem is that she seems to use the children freely to deliver stinging messages or to shape their minds. PC's youngest son had quite an interpretation of he and I living together and how wrong it was, a very well-delivered concept that was clearly imparted by his mother since it incorporated ideas too foreign to a 6 year old.

BestFriendM and her family offered to go as a group, but ultimately I did not want to be touring with a group that has cut me out of their mix.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Long Road

I'm feeling slightly better, but still depressed. No worries about me throwing myself off a cliff. After all, we have no cliffs in South Florida.

I understand how many stresses are around and on me at the moment, but it still bothers me to not have better control over my emotions and mood. I've certainly dealt with stress before. Maybe I was overdue for a really good cry. I haven't had one since the house fell down, my ever belonging got destroyed and my marriage ended...in some ways, it's nice to know I still have emotions inside of me.

The interesting thing is that with PC I will never have him watching over me and caring for me the way EH would. EH let his world revolve around me and PC will never let that be the case. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet to keep PC's love. I can lean on him from time to time, but he's never going to carry me through life. I miss being the center of someone's world, but at the same time I wonder if it's better for me to be forced to be strong. Stronger. Something.

I'm down to my last $50 with no sign of future income. I'm worried. Deeply worried. So...I better get to work.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Unrest

PC and I had a long talk about the dishonesty issues with his Ex. I can see his side, even if I did not present it well. Ex still considers PC her husband, however much she dislikes him and feels that his every second in my presence is an abomination of their marriage. I can understand her feeling that way. Ex also enjoys using the children to strike out at PC and he is trying to "lay low" to avoid her keeping them from her until the divorce papers are signed.

His suggestion that we are together for financial reasons is not a stretch...which might seem ironic since we are both as broke as can be. PC got me into the condo I am living in with the intention of purchasing it and renting it to me. He has not yet closed on it. He moved out of his wife's home and stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks - during which time, EH moved out. At that point, it seemed logical that PC should move into his own (or soon to be own) condo rather than continue to pay hundreds of dollars a week for a hotel room. Also, we lean on one another for gas, groceries, etc. Still, I would rather think we were together for love...

Financially, things are worsening. PC needs to close on our condo right away or we'll have to pay "rent" but he can't close until his own divorce is final. My job just decided to stop paying me a salary and put me on straight commission with no more than 2 days notice. So, the luxury of paychecks just became a thing of the past.

I have to admit that my head is swimming. I'm confused. I'm worried. I'm stressed. I love PC, but I worry about his past, my past, our future...

I worry about whether or not it can really work. At the moment, all I know for sure is that he can kiss me brainless. I've heard that expression, but never actually experienced it. I lose all ability to think when he plants one on me.

The amount of pressure on this new relationship is unreal. Maybe that's what scares me most of all. I admit that I wonder how it would work without these strains because right now...it's scary.

Monday, January 02, 2006

State of Ponder

I'm in deep thought.

I'm developing a level of discomfort with PC's way of handling his life, his family, his ex. For my part, I was completely honest with PC in telling him and I have been honest with my family. I have not hid my feelings or my situation or even my guilt over how it all happened. And, as a result, things have been fairly smooth...or as smooth as they can be.

Not so on PC's side. He doesn't want to discuss his life with me with his Ex or his children, so he tells her that he is living with me for "financial reasons". That stung. PC understands (after I explained) why it bothered me, but isn't about to change the situation.

Particularly in light of PC's past, our own actions - honesty is very important to me. I feel like it is as important that he be honest ABOUT me as it is for him to be honest WITH me.

PC's Ex knows the score. She knows we are together "more than friends" and that we live together. Why he insists on trying to convince her it's for financial reasons baffles me. Why he won't just be honest hurts me. I understand that he has his reasons, but ultimately it doesn't work for me and how I need to live my own life.

And, I imagine that's what I am wrestling with more than anything else. Do we have a life together if we don't share a life?