The Tri-corder reading says: "It's all Bollocks, Captain"

Category Archives: The man’s a complete arse

I thought those undercover reporters at the Sunday Times must have been mistaken about being able to “buy” a meeting with the Prime Minister but then this document found it’s way into my hands..

(a bargain at just £20 from my mate Peter C)…

I admit that I’ve not been able to verify it’s authenticity…

(that would have cost me another £1,000 “contribution” which I didn’t have on me)

The inside page looks like this:

There have been quite a few queries already about this and I have attempted to answer these below:

FAQs:

I thought Cameron was a foreign country?

You’re possibly confusing “Cameron” with “Cameroon” –
Cameroon is an African country. Some African countries suffer from corrupt political practices.
We wouldn’t tolerate that sort of nonsense here.

I thought Cameroon was a biscuit?

You’re possibly confusing “Cameroon” with “Macaroon”.
Macaroons taste completely different to David Cameron.

Can anybody go to these parties?

So far it has been mainly rich people (see price list).
Some terrorist groups are desperate to attend but have found it difficult to raise the necessary funds.

I have a 32″ Plasma TV that I got in last years’s riots…what would that get me?

The Camerons are no longer accepting anything under 50″.

It will probably get you about 2 years at Magistrates Court if it is your first and only offence.

I’m not particularly political ..could I have a KFC Family Feast with the Queen instead?

Her Majesty has never really gone in for KFC, so your best option is probably to seize power in a Commonwealth country as that will pretty much guarantee you an audience with Liz and Phil……. Pound-for-pound it works out as much better value too.

I’ve just lost my job at GAME how does this affect me?

Unfortunately – as you’ll probably get bugger all redundancy money – the Camerons will be out of your price range.

On the plus side we have seen items of discarded underwear from unpopular Cabinet Ministers (such as the Health Secretary, for example) for sale on e-bay which you can buy for as little as £30.

I’ve just had to forfeit my Bankers Bonus of £100,000.. where does that leave me?

In the same sort of shit as the rest of us. LOL.

I’ve got a signed, framed photo of David Beckham hanging up in my lounge ..can I charge £100,00 for dinner at mine?

Don’t be fucking ridiculous.

Can I use my credit card?
Normally people’s credit limits are pitifully inadequate
Unmarked, used £20* notes ARE the preferred method of payment, though US Dollars ARE just as acceptable.
Receipts are not available. You MIGHT be able to offset your Donation against tax^.

(^A separate lunch with the Head of Inland Revenue will be required)

I thought democracy meant getting my MP to raise matters of public concern at the Houses of Parliament?
Indeed that system worked fairly well until as recently as Oliver Cromwell.
These days some streamlining of the process has become essential so that the “man in the street’s” voice can still be heard

(and a window is ALWAYSleft open during the Camerons parties for that reason).

But aren’t I right in thinking that the Liberal Democrats are to blame for ALL the coalition’s mistakes?

Of course you are.

(* There WAS an unfortunate occasion when it was found that the £50 notes used in payment were forgeries and the “Guests” had to be ejected by security)

Before we all rush to judgement I must admit that I CAN see what Captain Schettino* was getting at IF he felt he could better direct the rescue operations for his stricken ship whilst on dry land, in his fluffy slippers, watching Sky. Let us also immediately dismiss the rumour that his last act was to play:

“Holding Out For a Hero” at full blast through the ship’s public address system.

Remember: they say bad luck come in threes. Firstly his nice shiny boat had the bottom ripped out of it by rocks that shouldn’t even have been there, THEN he tripped over and fell into a lifeboat… I don’t think I’d have stayed around to see what the THIRD thing was going to be….the day he was having he could easily have been seriously hurt!

On the plus side – he may possibly now replace the recently departed Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi at the top of the list of great Italians.

Although I DO think Berlusconi WOULD have stayed on board…if only to check there weren’t any pretty young prostitutes trapped in their underwear.

* * * * * *

*Schettino is an anagram of:

“one shit c t!

(I believe that “c t” is often used as an abbreviation for: “Captain” …possibly there are other abbreviations available…)