If you’ve seen the trailer, you pretty much know what you’re getting into, which is a heaping pile of awesome- unless you’re a wine coolers type of guy, that is (or gal- still inexcusable).If you are looking for violence, there is plenty, involving basically anything with a sharp edge or point, and several explosions to boot.

If what you wanted is hot chicks, Machete’s got ‘em, many of them nekked.I forgot how hot Jessica Alba is even though I still thought she was smokin’ before.This genre really brings out the best in her.I never was a big Michelle Rodriguez fan, but with an eyepatch, painted-on leather, and some big guns, now I am… a lot.Shoot, even Lindsey Lohan doesn’t look like a meth-skeleton, which might clinch a best makeup Oscar.

No Thanks…

That’s more like it…

There’s even some good humor.Henchman + weed-whacker turns out to be a nice comic team and Machete’s views on texting are pretty quality.So, I’ve got to toast one beer to all that goodness, but if you wanted to hoist a few more, I wouldn’t argue with you.

Beer Two

Well, it couldn’t be all good, especially when you cast Lindsay Lohan and Steven Seagal.I know that it seems too easy to beat up on Lohan these days, and she deserves some credit for poking fun at herself and showing some skin.Still, there’s a reason her career’s in the doldrums outside of the drama… she can’t act.We know that about Seagal, of course, and part of me applauds Rodriguez for saying screw it and putting him in there anyway.Unfortunately, his Mexican drug-lord’s accent sounds like the Taco Bell dog, but somehow with even less effort to get it right.No wonder Machete wants to kill him so badly.

I can see where he’s coming from.

Machete does everything it promised in the trailer, and does it big.If you wanted to make it into a drinking game where you toasted every explosion, decapitation, or topless chick, you’d get pretty hammered, but I wouldn’t discourage you.Still, I’m giving Machete two beers.

P.S.- Lapidus!

This is what a badass looks like.

Verdict

Watch it.Did you not see the pictures?

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: whenever someone dies (obviously)

Take a drink: whenever Seagal impersonates Speedy Gonzalez

Drink a shot: whenever a scene from the original Grindhouse trailer is referenced