Webb Report: The Onion’s version of Mayor Adler is pro-werewolf

Eric Webb @webbeditor

Friday

Feb 16, 2018 at 12:01 AMSep 25, 2018 at 1:18 PM

In college, I swore I saw a ghost while driving around off Convict Hill Road with my friends one night. I also heard strange voices in the American-Statesman newsroom on Halloween a few years back when I was working the graveyard shift. Aside from watching "Teen Wolf" reruns all weekend after having my wisdom teeth extracted, though, I have not seen any werewolves in Austin.

In an alternate universe’s Live Music Capital of the World, however, our lycanthropic neighbors are under attack. That world’s Mayor Steve Adler is ready to take a stand.

"Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings," a headline from satirical website the Onion published last week reads. Adler (again, and we can’t stress this enough, a fictional version of Adler) takes the spotlight in the article, championing a totally fake bill in order to stave off a "wave of gruesome werewolf slayings."

A sample from the Onion: "’There is simply no place on our streets for ammunition with the destructive capability to blow off a werewolf’s entire head in one blast,’ said Austin Mayor Steve Adler, who was moved to champion the bill after the brutal December slaying of beloved physical education teacher and nightwalking loup-garou Davis Johnstone."

Feel free to decide on your own whether this particular piece satire has any teeth.

No ‘Summertime Sadness’ here

Think singer Lana Del Rey is all about "Video Games"? Turns out she’s not afraid to kick around the soccer ball, either.

That was bad. Sorry. But here’s the point: Del Rey, who performed at the Frank Erwin Center earlier this month, visited FC Barcelona’s Austin soccer school at Circuit of the Americas last weekend, according to the school’s Twitter account. The singer took to the field with some local children on her "VIP visit." Those kids seem like good coaches, too. Pop stars don’t always know how to bend it like Beckham, but a video tweeted by Twitter user @messi10stats shows Del Rey eagerly paying attention to the instruction of her young hosts and learning how to kick the ball.

People on social media were all about the "Young and Beautiful" singer’s turn on the big green. "I’m a Real Madrid fan but I love Lana and soccer so this was nice !!!" @muawhchelly tweeted. "I can’t believe she invented football," @salvatore24_ joked.

At her Austin show Feb. 11, Del Rey said that she had been hanging out around town all week. Did you spot her out and about? She might have been the one pouting and swaying around.

Still kickin’

Two important facts about Willie Nelson, the closest thing Austin has to a canonized saint. First, the country singer recently canceled a string of February tour dates to recover from the flu. Second, he is a black belt in Gong Kwon Yu Sul.

Those two things help explain how relieving a picture tweeted last weekend by Nelson’s son, Lukas, was to fans of the Red Headed Stranger. Though one must admit, the sight’s breathtaking majesty truly holds up on its own.

"My dad is a badass … resting in Maui and feeling much better, according to him .. thanks to everyone who’s been asking how he is!" Lukas Nelson tweeted to caption a photo of his father landing a blurry kick on a boxing speed bag.

This is the kind of photo from which myths are born. How will you explain to your children that Willie’s foot is too fast to be captured by modern camera lenses? Is that lens flare actually proof that he is actually not of this world? A question for archaeologists of the future.

Slide into those mentions, Willie fans: "The single best photo ever uploaded" to Twitter, tweeted @JosephHudak3. "Thank God," tweeted @garthok_narfler. "He is a national treasure, and feels like part of our family, though I’ve never met him. He’s always been the soundtrack anyway. Love and prayers to your dad and all of you!"

Wonder if he can kick and play Trigger at the same time.

They both look nice, y’all

When former President Barack Obama took the stage last week after the reveal of his official presidential portrait, he said, "How about that? That’s pretty sharp," CNN reported.

It seemed he was pleased with artist Kehinde Wiley’s floral depiction. But not every presidential portrait has had ringing success with its subject.

As reported by KUT’s Andrew Weber, former President Lyndon B. Johnson called artist Peter Hurd’s painting, what was intended to be his official portrait, the "ugliest thing I ever saw." After Johnson refused to hang the painting in the White House, according to KUT, Hurd put it on display in Texas. Today the portrait hangs in the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery.

Hurd’s painting, however, was not Johnson’s first attempt at a presidential portrait. Johnson was painted by Norman Rockwell in 1964 and was reportedly "fiercely uncooperative." Although he touted the Rockwell painting when Hurd confronted him over his refusal to accept his portrait in 1965, Johnson later gave it away.

It wasn’t until 1968, closer to the end of his term, that Johnson sat for his final portrait, KUT reported. When presented with artist Elizabeth Shoumatoff’s portrait, Johnson said, "It’s excellent. I like it very much."

— Amanda O’Donnell, American-Statesman staff

Your late valentine from us

What’s better than a surprise marriage proposal? A double engagement, of course. That’s what happened to Tori Monaco and Berkley Cade earlier this week, when the Texas couple discovered they both had been plotting to propose during their trip to Washington.

According to Buzzfeed, Cade, who is stationed in the Air Force in Texas, enlisted Monaco’s best friend to go ring shopping four months ago. Little did she know, Monaco, a University of Texas senior and New Braunfels native, called up Cade’s mom to say SHE had just bought a ring, too.

Cade’s mom said "she was planning a fun game night already, so I could do it then so Berk wouldn’t be suspicious," Monaco told Buzzfeed. "I said great, I could incorporate it into charades, and she said how about Pictionary!"

Of course, the Pictionary-perfect proposals were caught on video. Buzzfeed reports the couple is planning a wedding for Sept. 27 next year

— Katey Psencik, American-Statesman staff

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