A Word about Molars (mostly the f word).

You fucking suck. A lot. I hate you. Look at what you are doing to my baby.

Here is something you should understand, you assholes. When my baby is angry he takes it out on ME. See that screamy face? That is not directed at you. It is directed at me and I am sick of being yelled at. Did you all have a nice little meeting about how you would coordinate your entrance? To perfectly space your arrival so we can have weeks of this shit with no break? Nice fucking work. Mission accomplished.

Here is yet another way in which Rowan has failed me. She was perfectly delightful when she was cutting teeth. I swear her poop smelled like roses and stardust when her molars were cutting through her gums*. She made me think that all those people who complained about their kids’ teething were big fat whiners who should get over it already you whiny whiner pants. HAHAHAHA, I get it Universe! The joke’s on me- but are the rancid diapers that smell like old dirty fish guts really necessary? Ah, of course they are.

I am sick of the miserable frowniness that you have permanently tattooed on this otherwise ridiculously handsome boy’s face. And while the red cheeks are outwardly endearing they are only signs of his FIERY HATE because MOM, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!! BEHOLD THE BURNING MAGMA CHEEKS OF MY NEVER-ENDING ALL CONSUMING WRATH!! How hard did you have to work to come up with a teething tablet, Tylenol and Motrin resistant strain? You’ll be happy to know your work has been rewarded because all acceptable remedies have been tried and have failed. I would try rubbing bourbon on his gums but what if alcohol failed?** I don’t think I could live in a world where alcohol didn’t fix all my problems and YOU would do something totally dicktacular like that.

So just to reiterate my point: YOU! SUCK! HATE! EVIL! FUCK! ETC/ET ALL/SO ON AND SO FORTH/EATSHITANDDIE.

And this, too:

That is all. For now.

*A little note about how I might forget some stuff and maybe exaggerate a little. It’s possible I do that sometimes. Maybe.