Why coffee is my higher power

Being a stay at home mom, tireless slacker, and compulsive procrastinator I have learned some very important things in life. Anything that isn’t supposed to go in baby’s mouth somehow will even if you glue it to the ceiling. What should be done today but can wait until tomorrow usually will, and without coffee the world is an ugly place that would cease to exist as we know it. I read it on the side of a can of Maxwell House so it must be true!

Now, you may buy into my first two observations just a little bit at least, but you are likely to think I am a complete nut for the power I see in coffee. Okay, I am a nut, certified twice and rated beyond repair by not just a single doctor but teams of doctors with books and busts of Freud in their office that have to cost at least fifty bucks so you know these are super smart people. I really am being as serious as my heavily medicated brain allows though when I say it is coffee that runs the world. Some folks think money or love makes the world go round but I say they are lunatics! Caffeine is the true puppet master.

Take me for instance. I wander out of bed around 5:30 A.M. after a solid three hours or so of sleep and begin my day, so I’m fighting for energy. Of course I do the normal things like make sure there is a floor under my feet, say hi to the dancing teddy bears in front of me and go to the bathroom. I don’t make coffee the way you’d expect me to though, because it is already being brewed thanks to the previous nights preset clock on Mr. Coffee. That’s right, I take my java so seriously I have to have it ready before I even consciously realize I need it.

Mmmmm...forbidden beans...mmmmmm

The first cup is a delicious treat, no sugar our cream for me thank you. My Kona blend is straight uncut high quality stuff with a street value of about a dollar fifty an ounce. As the first sip scalds it’s way down my throat, I momentarily turn into Homer Simpson lamenting “mmmmm….coffee.” By the time I get that first cup down I become human again. I am overtaken by a surge of power! Forbidden caffeine!

So what does that have to do with the world you wonder? Well, if you had a good cup of Joe right now, you wouldn’t be so antsy to hurry through this. Sheesh…Some people’s kids. Anyway, as I was saying before you rudely invaded my mind with your psychic questions from light years away, or Toledo as it may be since I have no idea who you are other than the voice that lives behind my eyes and screams at my brain, coffee makes me human. Human might be a stretch admittedly but it makes me function. It makes me get out of bed, get dressed, and it bestows upon me the energy to sit in my recliner and watch re-runs of the Dukes of Hazard all day. More importantly it provides me the focus to do so without the aid of cliff notes to follow the complex plot lines that Boss Hog always throws me for a loop with. One day he really will get them Duke boys!

This is true - and coffee reminds us of that

Now if it can make me do that imagine what people with actual ambition accomplish with the powers those magic beans transfer via their ground and strained transformation. Would we have faked landing on the moon? No way! Who would have had the motivation to build that Arizona sound stage they filmed from without coffee? What else would have woke Mickey Mantle up from his hangovers to propel his monstrous home run stroke? Mapo? Forget about it! Do you want to think about a world run by people with access to nuclear launch codes that don’t have coffee at the ready to guide them through the process? It would be a scary place.

Coffee is the worlds get up and go. It’s our doctor healing us after a long hard night. It’s our mom and dad, yelling at us to get off our tails, move out of the house and go get a job. Most of all it’s our comfort. It’s consistent, delivering exactly what we want when we need it without judging us for having a sixth pot. No matter how many spouses leave us, or how many times we are fired for trying to organize fire extinguisher chair races through the halls, coffee is always there reminding us it’s not our fault. It’s those people that haven’t had a few pots before noon that are the problem. They just don’t understand us. They aren’t thinking on our advanced, fast moving mental plane.

Whole lotta' shaking going on!

We should thank our coffee, buy it a new maker, keep that favorite mug unwashed until it stains to the point we can write our name inside it, and always keep it sealed in an airtight container which makes it happy. Yes I’m sure about that, it reminds me every time I open it up. Without the energy, love, and reassurance coffee provides us don’t you think the world would fall apart too? Dogs and cats living together, “new coke” re re-replacing classic coke, multiple channels that show nothing but Law and order all day everyday! Egad! The horror! Then again my coffee has encouraged me to state this viewpoint for it so it may be a bit biased factually.

mandyfsaid

mandyfsaid

It’s to the point that at Christmas, my partner gave me a little handmade coupon book and every coupon in it was good for 1 coffee run to the Dunkin’! I was almost as excited about that as anything else.