90 Day Hard Mode

Starting this on day 1.5 during the morning which is one of the hardest times right now. I’m learning to embrace the urge and redirect its energy. This is not child’s play, my life and family going forward is at stake. I’ve been in this hamster wheel for 15 years. I’m not in peril, but should I wait that long? NO! It’s the same as having unhealthy eating habits. You notice that you’ve gained 10-15 pounds and that you’re eating a bunch of junk. You mention to others that you want to eat healthier and lose a few pounds. Most times people will say “but you look fine”. To which the reply is, would you rather me to get to the point of being overweight first before I deal with it? Nope. I’ve wasted time and energy on PMO, thankfully no money. But I probably have missed out on making some for sure.

Going forward it might get a bit ugly here, with some nasty words towards this, never towards a person. Even if I’m triggered by someone, I’m not mad at them personally and harbor no I’ll will towards anyone. There’s no reason to, people don’t go around with the intention of triggering me. Even with tons of women being exibitionists in public with their uber tight thin and sometimes sheer clothing. It leaves very little to the imagination. Now that I think about it, it does make me mad that they do that. I FEEL A RANT COMING ON. I’m just trying to pick some stuff at the store or take a walk. I DONT NEED TO SEE A HIGH DEFINITION VERSION OF YOUR ASS, I DIDNT ASK YOU FOR ONE, PLEASE PUT IT AWAY!! YOUR BEING VERY SELFISH BE BOPPING AROUND IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT, I HOPE IT SATISFYS YOUR EGO THAT YOU CAN WALK AROUND “NAKED” IN PUBLIC CAUSING DISTRACTION TO PEOPLE AND MEN TO LUST AFTER YOU! YOUR DOING YOUR PART IN DESTROYING THE LIVES OF GOOD PEOPLE. THANK YOU, NOT!

Despite the rage in the moment that is only in my head, I will forgive them for it. It is essential to do so, for I am guilty of transgressions myself and the just due punishment for them is equally applicable to me. Fortunately, since I believe in the absurd but possibly true event that Jesus of Nazareth rose from the dead (I’m a Christian), I offer grace. I offer it because it was extended to me in the midst of my sin and it is freely offered to all those who wish to accept it, it cannot be forced. It’s also punching in the wind to try and hold someone to a standard that they don’t subscribe to. To pull from my rant example that woman may have been abused by a man as a child and maybe her way of getting back at men is being an exhibitionist to drive them crazy. I don’t know her story. That doesn’t excuse or justify what she’s doing either, but people can be like onions. You gotta peel back a few layers of the mind to get to the why. What’s the other saying? “Hurt people, hurt people.” I have found this to be a true statement in my life. I will stop hurting myself with PMO so that I stop hurting my family.

This has been good this morning, since I’ve been journaling here during an episode instead of PMO I feel better.

Hi, brother, God has a plan for every people. Every woman in your life is planned. Maybe we are being tested and we can be holy and pure.Job 23:10 But He knows where I am going. And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.

Thanks! Doing much better today, I got triggered three times while out to eat for dinner. Posting it here helps me deal with it. Part of the whole PMO lifestyle for me was spending a ton of memory remembering all the things to look for since I kept no record of anything. I want to forget it all, it is useless information to me.

Woo! Gettin to the nitty gritty down and dirty! The lies are starting to roll in, they’re lies! NO MOAR HIDING! Night time is the right time to be here lemme tell ya because I could be somewhere else more visually stimulating but harmful. We are not going there anymore folks, those days are over! I want back my time! I want back my confidence! I refuse to run the hamster wheel anymore! No more cycles!, forward! GET BEHIND ME SATAN!! ()[email protected];;&@“@)(?)?&

The whole point of a reboot is to not patronize your urges, I have a zero tolerance policy and since I’m so hypersensitive right now trolling insta with the intent to consume for 2 minutes constitutes as porn for me presently. The line is drawn.

Back to day 0

I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO THE OTHER TEMPATATION THAT THIS IS “TOO HARD”. NO WIMPS ALLOWED! IM BACK IN THE SADDLE SATAN, IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GO FUCK YOUR HAT. DONT FORGET TO TAKE YOUR LIES WITH YOU TOO, YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE.

I almost forgot, but since I read a good devotion this morning.. TAKE YOUR SHIT WITH YOU LIKE THIS “BAG OF TRICKS”. *throws bag at satan*

NEXT TIME YOU TRY THAT SHIT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A HOLY ARMY OF PRAYER COMING DOWN ON YOU.

Just a friendly reminder that this is raw unfiltered stuff from my brain. If it’s offensive, don’t read it. Once we get down the road on this journey it should hopefully calm down and be more sane. I’ve been in a pit for 15 years and I refuse to stay there. I’m mad about it.

A much calmer day today so I can be much less primal then up to now. Today I was triggered a few times while out running errands so it reminded me of a desire that I have had for many years.

I want to get to the place that I am able to at least 90% of the time look at women (other than my wife) without being triggered regardless of how are dressed. I want to behold the standard of beautiful form and absolute function that God perfectly combined in a wholesome way. No element of nature or creation of man can compare to a woman’s beauty and grace. I want to see women like they are daughters of mine, because they are someone’s daughter. They should not be objects of sexual desire, even if that is their misguided aim.

It’s been 4-5 days since any MO. Balls remind me through a little discomfort or slight pain occasionally. The PMO part of the brain is not happy with me right now, but I’m becoming one with the discomfort of both. They serve to remind me why I’m on this journey, to regain my manhood that I’ve been giving away to satan all these years. That and to give myself fully to my wife who is patiently waiting for me. Also during this time conveniently I will be getting a circumcision to fix some issues I was born with but didn’t know until this year. I think the recovery from that is around a month with no sexual activity (wife likes it cut better anyway). My wife and I agreed that it would be good for us to obstain from sex for this time.

Got triggered by a freakin Pinterest notification, good heavens turned that shit off. Nuts are sore, went out and did some yard work which helped. Now I’m all horny, FTS it’s shower time! No excuses, lies, or foolin around. This is hard mode, it’s supposed to be HARD!

Doing well so far, was doing some thinking on a few years ago about a time that I had the opportunity to have an affair, twice. I’m absolutely thankful that I didn’t, but it was not an easy decision in the moment. At the time I was dissatisfied with my wife and our sex life which undoubtedly I had a part in making it as lackluster as it was. Instead of investing in her and working to improve it.

The book of James and Hebrews in the Bible have been an encouragement to me over the years and I continually reference them to help bolster the hope I have in Christ. James was the brother of Jesus, what would it take to believe your brother was the son of God?

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.”
‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-8‬ ‭MSG‬‬

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