39 Things all Bristol bus passengers know

Travelling by bus in Bristol is a special experience, which hardens the meek and brings people together like nothing else, but here are 39 things people who do - and survive - have learned along the way

After just a few months - let alone years, the Bristol bus passenger is a wisened old thing, who knows things. Things like....

1. How to say goodbye and thank you to a bus driver in just 11 letters

Let's start with the obvious. The one everyone knows. OK not everyone does it, but it is most certainly not a myth – as some London media type incomers may try to claim. If there are ten people getting off a number 48 at Cabots, at least three or four of them will say 'Cheers Drive!'

If there are ten people getting off a number 48 at Cabots, at least three or four of them will say 'Cheers Drive!'

2. What a 'three-stop-hop' is

You pay £1.50 to go on the bus – alright, a First Bus. But those in the know know that you can haggle the Drive down to a flat single English Pound by uttering the magic spell words 'three stop hop'. In some places that can be a journey of barely a few hundred yards, in others three stops will take you a mile or more. But whisper it, and we're obviously not condoning any sort of fare dodging, but have you ever seen Drive throw someone off the bus for not getting off after three stops? Four or five appears to be the leeway…

3. Don't talk to the bag lady

Most buses have one, they are probably employed by the bus company to watch for Dementors like the mad bag woman in Harry Potter. You're alright if you get on and they are already there, because they are in place, and settled, so you can carry on. But if they get on and sit near you, be ready. It starts with a few words of small talk, whether reciprocated or not, and escalates within the space of one stop into a full blown account of their varicose veins or the death 17 years ago of their cat.

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4. Do talk to the bag lady

However, some bag ladies are incredible. They love the banter. Get talking to them and bring other passengers in. Soon, a six-way conversation can be had about Mr Red Trousers, Rovers, the Blitz, the receptionists at Southmead Hospital, who remembers Adge Cutler or whether chocolate bars are smaller now. It can be the best thing you do all week.

Adge Cutler

5. No one opens the windows upstairs, and you can't understand why

Get on to any reasonably full commuter bus and go upstairs. People are sitting there rigidly looking forward, taking short breaths as the oxygen level runs low. Open the window, people, open the window…. You've already got a coat on, you will not be cold.

6. Drunk people are magnetically attracted to the used ticket bins

Those bins are handy, right? Placed on the poles there opposite the stairs between seats and door. But they are hard to empty for the cleaners at the depot. So they have a strange latch thing around the back, which enables them to be flipped down and emptied in one easy move. Most people don't notice the little bins or know they have a latch behind, but drunk people – staggering towards the door as the bus is pulling in - are magnetically attracted to them. The latch is steadfast all day, until a drunkard shoulder-barges into it like a full-back into a tricky winger. The drunk man bounces off and out of the door, leaving the bin flipped down with a frightening crack, raining used tickets and Crunchie wrappers all over a dog and a kid in a pushchair.

7. At least one seat has food on it

It's more often than not the third one from the back on the left upstairs. It can range from a half-eaten and discarded pasty to an entire unopened box of Jaffa Cakes.

8. The best seat is upstairs at the front above the driver, no matter how old you are

End of. No argument. Sit on Drive's side though, because you never know when a low branch might smash the windscreen on the near side.

9. Sit down quickly on the bus in Bedminster Parade

Outside the legend that is Bemmie Asdal, the bus stops

Outside the legend that is Bemmie Asdal, the bus stops. About five yards after the bus stop heading north, there are two potholes in the road that mean the bus lurches at 45 degrees to the left, rendering unconscious anyone still yet to take their seat. They aren't even potholes. The road, fully and properly tarmacked, has actually buckled like that road after that earthquake in Chile. When the Google Maps car went down Bedminster Parade, it captured the moment a bus began to lurch into the holes of doom right outside the entrance to Asda. It even caused a visible glitch in the Matrix

10. Drive never has change, no matter how many passengers give them money

There's a full bus, you've got a tenner. All those people must have paid at least £50 collectively in a wide variety of monetary denominations to be sitting there, but Drive treats your request for a fiver and some pound coins in change as if you've asked them for their child's teeth. Eventually they pull out a notebook with notes in – no one understands why. Hold on, it's a notebook….ah!

11. No one understands what the routes of the 8 and 9 are all about

You want the Zoo, right? The 8 goes there, so does the 9. But one takes you through Clifton Village and up to the Zoo, the other takes you on an intergalactic odyssey through Cotham, Redland, Whiteladies Road back to the Triangle, then Clifton and then the zoo. At one point you're near the zoo, but then the bus dives south again on another mad loop. The clue to this conundrum is that the 8 and 9 follow the same route, but one goes one way and the other goes the other. But the 'way' changes its 'way' at least five times, and no one knows, really. People pretend they know, and try to explain it to people who ask, but the act of explaining exposes their own lack of comprehension. The 8 and 9 buses are mainly populated by students though, so no one has cared enough to demand someone sort it.

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12. Someone smells (and everyone thinks it's you)

One colleague travelled regularly on the bus, but gave up completely vowing never to set foot on a bus ever again after one journey sitting next to a particularly pungent man. On any bus, particularly in the daytime, that is more than three-quarters full, at least one person stinks. Is it you?

13. The bus routes across the city make less than no sense

The main bus routes in Bristol form a X, with no scope for variation.

Want to get a bus to Temple Meads? Your bus goes to the city centre, sure, but only a few lucky ones will be able to stay on through Broadmead or the centre, and end up at the city's main railway station. And then there's the route maps. Check them. In south west Bristol and want to go to north west Bristol? Nope. In south east Bristol and want to get to north east or east Bristol? Nope. The main bus routes form a X, with no scope for variation.

14. There could be an argument at any minute

Volatile places, buses in Bristol. All of humanity is there. Many have anger issues. The poor Drive is often the brunt, but it can be between passengers. The other day, some fella kicked off at Drive on the 76 in Bedminster and Drive refused to move until the angry man got off. There was a stand-off for ages.

15. What cannabis smells like

Even when you take a seat as the only person upstairs on a fresh double decker rocking down Two Mile Hill, it stinks of weed. The next person up there thinks it's you.

16. People on single decker buses are friendlier

Maybe it's because they tend to be on routes like the 5 or the 24 that are less full of commuters or schoolkids, and more likely to have chatty little old ladies. Not sure, just a hunch.

17. Warmest seat is at the back downstairs

Stands to reason. Sit just inches above a massive diesel engine. In the winter, across the Downs, it's lush.

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18. Bus stop names are meant for locals, not you

So the bus stops are very often named after the nearest side road in Bristol, not the main road you're going down. The problem is that a driver new to the route, or inexperienced generally, will know what stops he's stopping at, but not where they are. For example, get on a 24 at the city centre to visit South Bristol's hippest road, North Street. Maybe you want to go to the Hen & Chicken comedy club? Or visit the Tobacco Factory Theatre? Does this bus go down North Street, Drive? You ask…. 'It stops at Sion Road and then Greville Road', comes the reply… North Street? Dunno.

19. The best parties are on the buses down the Gloucester Road

Want to go to a free party? Get a 71, 73, 75 etc bus heading south along the A38 from, say, Horfield Leisure Centre into the city centre at any time between 10.30pm and midnight on a Friday or Saturday night. It'll be full of young people, students mainly but not necessarily, already enjoying their night out. The bus ride is part of it. They have, in modern parlance, pre-loaded. On booze. There's music, someone brings a guitar out, groups chat and flirt.

20. A mum with a buggy will always be at the next stop after a lady in a wheelchair got on

It's Bristol Bus Law. The bus stops and a lady in a wheelchair gets on. Everyone sitting in the bay happily gets up to accommodate her, and we carry on happy that someone who might otherwise have struggled to get about as easily as us has been able to join us in this communal journey. But it's almost guaranteed that, at the next stop, a lady with a buggy will get on – maybe a double buggy – and then you must choose sides, all altruistic love for your fellow passengers goes out of the window.

21. There are more Sasquatches in parts of south Bristol than buses

There's whole areas of south Bristol that never see a bus. Try walking from Withywood to Bishopsworth. It's the only way to do it.

22. It takes ages to work out if a Day Rider is worth it

"Um.... so it's £1.50 there and £1.50 back, but I might need to pop to the shops later. But then is that little trip a three-stop hop which is just a quid? So that would add up to £4 anyway, so….. oh, blow it, I'll have a day rider." And that is why the average stop time in Bristol is among the longest in the country.

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23. There's a secret village on the Redcliffe roundabout

You will only know this if you are on the top deck, and look down into the trees that shield the rest of the world from seeing it at ground level. The tented shanty village is a sad indictment of modern Bristol.

24. Even though Bristol's a proper city, people still ask to go 'into town'

They do. They all do. 'Single into town, please' are the four most common words spoken on a bus in Bristol, a city of nearly half a million people.

25. How to block out the sound of a baby crying

You really try hard to smile at the desperate mum, and tell her with your eyes that it's ok, you really don't mind, you feel for her, and sympathise. But you end up looking either like a weirdo or someone who is annoyed. Better to look out of the window, then, and train your brain to ignore all sounds using strange David Blaine mindbending techniques.

26. What the latest EDM/ drum n bass hit is

The lad who sits next to you with the loud headphones. He tells you by proxy.

27. 'The Centre' isn't really the centre of Bristol – yet

Anyone with a knowledge of Bristol's history knows the area called The Centre is called so only because it used to be where the tram terminus was, and that was called The Tramway Centre. But it isn't really the centre of Bristol's city centre is it?

Anyone with a knowledge of Bristol's history knows the area called The Centre – you know… fountains, the Hippodrome, Colston Tower and the Watershed – is called The Centre only because it used to be where the tram terminus was, and that was called The Tramway Centre. But it isn't really the centre of Bristol's city centre is it? For hundreds of years that would have been the top of Corn Street. Since the war it's maybe been the centre of Broadmead. But with the harbourside, the rise of Park Street and the whole Canon's Marsh Millennium Square development, maybe that Broad Quay area known in bus land as The Centre, is fast becoming Bristol's new city centre for real.

28. There are new buses with ace seats under the stairs

There aren't enough of them, but some routes have brand new buses where they have made two seats right next to the door in front of the wheelchair bay and, even better, another seat – a single one - right behind Drive under the stairs. For the lone traveller who doesn't want any human interaction, this seat is perfect. It's too high up to mean you have to give it up for a little old lady and there's even a little arrowslit window just for you. All it needs is a curtain to pull across.

29. The number 5 is the coolest, most interesting route

Bit controversial this one, but the number 5 is a journey into the heart of what it is to be Bristol. It goes from the city centre, through Stokes Croft, along City Road into achingly hip St Werburgh's and then to Ikeal. Then it crosses the M32 and heads out along Stapleton Road, past Blackberry Hill hospital, and into Fishponds and then Mangotsfield. That's proper Bristol, a cornucopia of culture.

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30. The letter 'X' before a number doesn't mean 'Express'

Ask anyone who gets the X39 into the city from Brislington or back out again what the difference is between that and the 39 and watch them shrug. Maybe there is a difference, or was once, maybe it zooms off at hyperspeed once it passes the A4 park and ride, but for Bristolians, those Xs mean nothing, like the X they put on models of Ford cars in the 1980s because it had nicer seats.

31. You can get a Welsh Museum bus in South Bristol

There's a single decker bus you can get in south Bristol. It's not a First Bus, though, it's an obscure, little-known local bus company. Legend has it, it uses a bus that appears to have come direct from the St Fagans National History Museum in Wales. The bus, unconfirmed reports claim it's a 52, goes all around South Bristol and then into the centre, and is a distinctive green, red and white. It looks like it used to take people from the car park to the museum or something. They haven't repainted it, presumably just for the lols.

32. It can take just one irate passenger – or driver - to hold up 70 people

The time a park and ride bus driver protested about a First Bus driver parking up in his space, so blocked the bus

Further to number 14, these are arguments between one person and an entire bus. Physically. Like the time a park and ride bus Drive protested about a First Bus Drive parking up in his space, so blocked the bus – and the whole of Broad Quay for a good 15 minutes - watch that dramatic video here. Or the ten minutes people on a bus in Bedminster's West Street (again) were held up because a man waited a bus stop without realising the roadworks there meant it was out of use. So when the bus came and didn't stop, he stood in front of it. It's important that the next time this happens – and it will, to you – always remember to whip out your phone and start videoing it. Then send the clip to us.

33. Doing a number two has a double meaning

When they launched a new type of bus that runs on the waste gas produced by human poo, of course they were going to put those buses on route number 2, weren't they.

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34. Getting back from Cribbs is a minefield

You're at Cribbs Causeway, with armfuls of shopping, and head back home. What you need is a bus to the city centre. Some buses whisk you directly there by the most straightforward route – either down through Horfield, or Clifton. Others, however, are cruel mistresses, offering the prospect of arriving at the city centre, but as a theoretical destination at some point in the distant future. Like the number 4, for instance. The unsuspecting passenger will hop on a 4 at The Mall's bus station because it says 'city centre' on the front and end up halfway to Wales. Panoramic views of the Second Severn Crossing and then the Avonmouth Bridge pass by. Hours later, and still in parts of west Bristol you thought were myths, your family will begin to die of hunger.

35. Some of the top deck views are majestic

Bristol's buses can offer stunning vistas from the top deck front row

With a city famed for its hills and its views of the countryside, Bristol's buses can offer stunning vistas from the top deck front row, if you know what routes to take. Try the view from the Downs, for instance, or take a number 2 down the hill at Wells Road in Totterdown. For views of the lovely harbourside, nothing can beat getting a 90 into town from south Bristol. The view as it crosses Redclilffe Bridge across to Bathurst Basin, with the imposing terrace above the cliff, the boats, the cranes and the water - it is the best.

36. There are secret buses into town full of people – but you're not allowed on

Ever caught the number 22 bus? No, of course not. Unless, that is, you work at Computershare out on the A38 Bridgwater Road in Bishopsworth. There it is, every day, trundling from the city centre out to south Bristol and back again, stopping and picking people up. But if you try to get on, they won't take your money. You're barred. Even though its timetables are in the bus stops, it's a private service serving one particular large employer – one of several mystery routes through the city.

37. The electronic information boards are brilliant – and rubbish

To be fair, they very often do work. Wait for a bus out to east Bristol in Old Market, and it clearly says an order and destination like the most efficient German airport departure lounge screen. But when it goes wrong, it's worse than not having one at all. There's one outside Angelberry in Broad Quay that proclaimed a single bus is due in 30 minutes for a whole week, for instance. They tend to be far less reliable in the evening, funnily enough.

38. You get all sorts - and some people can't handle it

Bristol buses are a transport service for all, no matter how interesting their sartorial taste. When this man got onto a number 38 bus in Bristol last year, half the passengers got off, fearing he was some kind of suicide bomber, not a person who was either having a laugh, or just didn't want people - or the CCTV cameras - to see his face. Many missed the probability that a real suicide bomber tries really hard to not look conspicuous before they strike.

39. We don't own this service

From the way the buses seem to suddenly stop after 7pm to the way you'll see four buses with 'sorry I'm not in service' on the front while you wait for half an hour, Bristolians know only too well that the city's bus service is owned by private companies who are doing it to make money for their shareholders, rather than create a service which will take you where you want to go when you want to go there. If the service does do that for you, then you are lucky. It's no coincidence that both the leading candidates in the 2016 Bristol mayoral election pledged to look into 'nationalising' the bus service, or at least bring it into greater control of the public.