..dealing with illusions

Tag: soul

In my mid thirties, I have finally understood what power is, and what I can do with it!

I’ve always been an assertive go-getter; had the good fortune to achieve a lot of material things in my life that boosted my self-esteem and have also attained the wisdom to be grateful for it. However, until recently, I was only concerned about my reflection that I could see in others’ eyes; it had nothing to do with what I really wanted. I pretended to be ambitious because I wanted to stand amongst successful people. I pretended to be friendly because I wanted to portray a good social image. I pretended to so many other things so that I could be valued, accepted, revered! And then I pretended to be powerful!

Do you think, any of this really defined my success? I did not have any freedom as long as I was pretending to do something that I wasn’t or wasn’t interested in. Of course it elevated my self-esteem, but then I sometimes think it was an ego trip. It is too difficult to decide actually, because ego is what keeps you evolving. You are dead without your ego. Ego is always there. But then, you can always stop feeding your ego!

It so happened, that I began contemplating and realized that I was not happy. Not happy with anything that I had in my life. Yes, I was grateful, for not being in a worse condition, which did not trap me in a depressive state. But still I was not happy and it made me miserable. I could foresee a long stretch of ennui spread before me, which told me achieving more and more is not going to be enough! I had to do something to bring the ‘real delight’ back.

The ‘eureka’ moment was long in coming. It took me more than a decade to struggle, defeat the recurring doubts and come to terms with myself. And this coming to terms with myself, is what I call my power. It took me a lot of solitary, soul-searching moments, and sometimes depression bordering on madness, till I realized what really mattered.

I decided to be honest. And at once, my inner being became completely aligned with my outer being. This I believe is power: Accepting yourself as you are.

Now, I do not worry what kind of an impression I make, where I stand in this crazy world, what I have achieved; there is no more obsessing about the things I have lost or want to attain. I feel free about expressing myself, not over-thinking if it sounds crazy or stupid. I speak honestly about the things that I really enjoy, even if it is as simple as building shapeless sand castles on the beach. I’m more delighted about my creative abilities, not worrying about chiseling it to perfection. I’m equally accepting of my inherent limitations, without feeling miserable about it.

But it is not a helpless resignation to the fact.

It is a complete acceptance of my capabilities—things which I can do and things that I cannot. You can say I’m completely true to myself without feeling the need to prove my worth or hide my imperfections.

This true or honest acceptance of your self is ‘power’ and the only thing you should use it for, is to enlighten others and help them appraise themselves honestly.

I did nothing this weekend, by which I mean, I did nothing productive this weekend (other than writing this post), and it has left me with an overpowering sense of uselessness and thoughts of an aimless existence. But on the other hand, I needed a break because I have been working really very hard the past week almost to the point of exhaustion. This has made me wonder how do I achieve a balance between these two states of being.

And then I realized I would never be able to feel really comfortable with what I’m doing. By being comfortable I do not mean happy nor do I want to derive a purpose from my activity or feel proud of it. Being comfortable simply means to want to attain the mechanical state of doing without any emotional attachment to the actions.

As I was absorbed thinking along these lines, I made an amazing discovery. Let me share it with you..

We will never feel comfortable with what we are doing because at the subtlest level, the idea of work is related to matter and to achieve any kind of sense from it is the work of the ego. The main reason we feel uncomfortable is because matter changes constantly and the ego derives meaning from matter. This means that if we align more with the ego, we are going to derive meaning, aim, purpose, everything from the matter that is constantly shape shifting. This is bound to keep us in a restless state of existence, which may be perceived as unstable and not something to look forward to (the best example is how we tend to find stability and security in every damned thing on this planet!).

But if we align ourselves with the soul which is eternal and unchanging, we may not feel ‘uncomfortable’. The real difficulty is to make this journey from matter to soul, and it happens when you start living in the present and become an observer, not only of everything around you, but also of yourself, of the matter that you are made of!

You are going to enjoy this blog post I’m sure. I’ve made a discovery that has made me take a look at my life in a positive way!

Let me get straight to the point.

There are three areas of our life that need careful understanding.

We love something.

We obsess about something.

We are emotionally attached to something.

If we come to an honest understanding of these three ‘sides’ of our personality, we will, in an instant, simplify our lives.

(Even the kindest and most pure soul on this Earth will display these traits as long as he lives inside a body!)

Each one of us, in varying degrees, loves, obsesses and is emotionally attached to different material objects of this world. The idea is to find out what they are, and then go after them passionately.

As we headlong dash towards those objects, we can ensure that others feel the least amount of discomfort. (It may not be possible if your obsession works against someone’s welfare..but then, after all, we are pieces of jigsaw in the universal puzzle!)

The burden on my chest became lighter as hot tears trickled down my cheeks. My heart was expanding like the ocean, the waves breaking on all the shores, all at once, creating a chasm. But the bottom was not stony or rigid. It was somewhere between the solid and liquid, in an indefinable state. And warm and heavy like the slithering movement of a snake.

And long after when I was fully awake, I shed another silent warm tear for the indescribable loss I experienced in that virgin moment of the day. That tear merged me with the entity of my dream who was drowning in profound grief for eternity.

The entity looked with grieving eyes at the pearly gates on the other side. They no longer looked hospitable. The pleasant, white, pure dreams could not shine in those tear stained eyes. It was not the flesh, the impending loss of which was so discomforting. The heart ached for something else.

The children went first; two unsuspecting bright souls that chimed like silver bells on a beautiful day. The white robed devil with a peaceful smile was already leading them to the higher worlds. Their sight was not endearing to the troubled heart any more.

The entity sat in scarlet clothes of death with a tattered soul pining for the loss of something that the higher worlds could never bestow. And it sat and moaned and celebrated its grief ignoring the golden gates of heaven.

The world is an illusion, not only from a spiritual/metaphysical view, but also from the material/physical perspective. Let me dwell upon this hypothesis further and attempt to convince you.

Recently I purchased new books which have been lying untouched on my bookshelf, ever since they have been delivered to my house, gathering a thin layer of dust, while other more pressing tasks tell me it is not yet time to inhale their fine print and wisdom.

And so it happened that my gaze fell on those books when I was in the middle of my work and it filled me with anguish. Anguish, for the fact that my intentions of bettering myself by engaging in an intellectual activity have to wait. Anguish also for the reason that reading gives me peace like no other activity in my life. Isn’t it complete bliss when you are lost in the fictional world, the world of possibilities and new meanings?

And so I pined, while also contemplating the priorities in my life. The desire of wanting to do something else instead of what I was doing put me in a state of mental paralysis.

And then like a divine revelation it struck me that what I was doing was actually the most important thing intellectually or otherwise. Well, I haven’t told you what I was doing at that moment. I was cooking, to say it quickly. I do enjoy cooking and I’m good at it too, but on that day and moment I was feeling lost. And so, the truth flashed before me in a fraction of a second. What if my soul, my inner being, the deepest and purest part of me wanted to engage in the art of cooking right at that moment and hour? How could I pine for something else when what my true self actually wanted to do, was already doing it? How was I to know what I truly wanted?

We are born just to live, there is no greater purpose to our life than to be just alive and experience every moment and emotion as it interacts with our mind and matter. The sum total of all that happens to us is life. Our life is what is happening to us every moment. And we want to experience what is happening to us. Every life is unique and accumulating different experiences. If I do not cook, I will not know what cooking feels like. I will not experience cooking.

The problem occurs when you judge. You judge that cooking is least important in the hierarchy of intellectual pursuits that are available to you. You judge based on your experiences with others. You judge based on your social and mental conditioning. You judge.

However, if you judge, you close yourself to the process of life. And that is why spirituality tells us ‘whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord’

It is not for us to judge whether what we do is right, wrong, beneficial or unsuccessful. These are man-made terms devised for building an economy based on false, immoral values.

What happens to you every moment is what you want. As I write this, I’m reminded of the film ‘City of Angels’ in which Seth, an angel chooses to be a human so that he can experience feelings and sensations. That is how it is with us..

As far as pain is concerned, it is the other extreme on the scale of happiness, and we all know happiness would make no sense without a little bit of pain sprinkled here and there, now and then..

The first thing a man does when set really really free is to destroy himself. Now free to what extent? Free for a while, on weekends, on a vacation.. No! Free in the true sense; without any moral, cultural, emotional bounds to hold him back; to be left alone without a thought about where he is going to crash for the night or who’s going to deposit that paycheck in his account.. Free in the truest sense of the word..
And why? Why do we want to rid ourselves of this body, this life so desperately? Enjoyment of any sort is mere depravation of the body and an attempt to free oneself from some bondage. Deeper the enjoyment more intense the need to rid oneself of bondage…
And somewhere within this struggle the seeds of spirituality or the need to be eternal, take root and lead us to the realisation of our true self.
And that is why we avoid freedom.. It’s an attempt to avoid mortality…to live in ignorance and feel bliss..
That applause you give yourself for not drinking that another damned glass of scotch before calling it a night, that last day you spend at the beach looking at the turmoil of the waves , that last-minute you end your chat with a heavy heart and ‘tc’, are the limits that eat your soul, drag you to the bottom of your soulless existence, a pact you make with life to avoid death…so that you can live another day and dream the dreams that make you feel alive….

Saniya Varkhandkar is the author of psychological fiction, The Recluse: A tale of an adult with ADHD.

She has studied Literature at the University of Mumbai, and worked as an Instructional Designer and a freelance writer in various e-learning organizations. At present she is a home-schooling mother who enjoys designing educational and fun activities for her son.

Vedic philosophy, occult science, and stoicism are some of the subjects that interest and inspire her.

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