Celeb Dirty Laundry reported today about John Travolta’s former gay lover, Doug Gotterba, breaking his silence to reveal the intimate details of their six-year sexual relationship. According to the National Enquirer, these two lovebirds already started dating back in 1981, one year after Travolta starred in “Urban Cowboy”.

The most shocking factor behind these revelations is a rumoured sex tape doing the rounds. A what? A sex tape of Travolta and Gotterba? Could this be any worse? Well, yes, dear reader, the only event that would be worse than this sex tape would be an extinction level event, when the planet is overrun by aliens in Justin Bieber suits and bitch sized guns incinerating all you love with sparkle poop. We imagine the sex video to be very early 80’s vintage soft core porn, with a horribly synthesized soundtrack and John Travolta dancing a pre-historic Macarena with a polio gait. There’s nothing wrong with a well produced celebrity sex tape ever so often, but honestly now, how well produced could this sex tape be?

More importantly, what will this mean to a rather prominent Scientologist? Will Travolta be cleansed with the lady oils of Xenu, or will he be lambasted by his ex-BFF Tom Cruise? This scandal has been one of the most important and most well documented scandals of the past decade.

We have already washed our eyes with the strongest detergent we could find and after scraping our corneas and dabbing our eyelids in acid; we think we might be ready to move on from our wild imaginations. This tape will even scar Bruce Jenner and as we all know, nothing ever scars Brucey. He might consider moving into Khloe Kardashian’s (the lesser insane bitch) house for a day or two, because this tape might be a little bit too much for his gentle demeanor.

Bitches, why were you so stupid? Why make a sex tape back in 1981? You could have waited for 3D and HD.