The plastic's not fantastic

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I have always considered myself a very calm person. Not prone to
tantrums, hissy fits or violent outbursts of temper. I think my
family and friends would agree with this assessment of my
character. But even so, I challenge anyone to cover brand new
school exercise books with sticky paper and not notice a rise in
body temperature, pulse rate and blood pressure, or find themselves
shaking uncontrollably.

The adhesive cover looks innocent enough. The patterns and
colours are certainly enticing. Be warned, if you're feeling
fragile in any way, do not - I repeat - do not go anywhere near
it.

The round, neatly packaged rolls of plastic are an absolute
threat to your sanity.

There must be a technique for applying the covers perfectly and
with minimal fuss, but usually it doesn't click until you have
finished your last book. By then, you have endured covering 15
books and are in no fit state to remember how you did it. You are
therefore doomed to repeat the cycle next year.

When you think of the number of years your kids are at school,
multiplied by the number of children you have and the number of
books that will need to be covered, the equation is overwhelming. I
may have just stumbled on the reason why the Australian birth rate
is falling.

The fun begins with trying to separate the cover from the
backing paper. Sharp fingernails are essential, and even then it
will require several attempts before you are successful.

Next you position the book and attempt to lay the cover on as
smoothly as possible. Good luck. It is guaranteed to crease, stick
on itself, stick to you, crease, rip and crease a little bit more.
The bubbles underneath are extremely tricky and many different
solutions are needed.

Asking the children for help may be necessary, but unwise. Those
little fingers might try to help, but they will only hinder the
operation. A ruler may remove some bubbles, but will inevitably
crease the sticky cover just a tiny fraction more.

A solid surface to work on is recommended. Apart from that I
have no further suggestions. I was in a lather of sweat after the
second book and swearing by the third (which my children found
thoroughly entertaining).

There must be a huge market out there for some entrepreneur to
come up with non-crease covers. How comeit hasn't already been
invented? Thousands of parents struggle every year, putting
themselves at great risk of blowing a gasket. Could some clever
person please solve this problem and prevent us from stressing out
at the beginning of every school year?

Haven't we got enough to worry about? Or maybe there are some
sadistic manufacturers out there who, at this very moment, are
taking secret delight in the turmoil they have created.

Either way, my final tip is to teach your children to write
small, so their books will last the year.

Readers are invited to apply wit to anything that makes the
blood boil. Send 600 words, with day and evening phone numbers, to
heckler@smh.com.au.
Submissions may be edited and published on the internet.