Movie releases for June 2012

Yay summer! It's official — the yearly summer bombardment of big movies is in full effect. June is like a huge erection of cinematic goodness. Big actors, awesome directors, action, aliens, Pixar — it has everything. Don't have time to see them all? Here are some highlights for June 2012 and what's worth seeing.

Scoring Guide:

Bill Murray: Every month we will have a must see movie. If you are only going to see one movie this month, this is the one you should see. Of course, Bill Murray is the symbol for all that is awesome and excellent, so his face is what we associate with the movie of the month.

Han Solo: What's not to love? He's a charming scoundrel and one of the best movie characters ever. Everyone (except the Hutts) loves Han Solo. For excellent movies with tons of deserving hype that are must-see, they get assigned the Han Solo. When you say "I loved it," after seeing this movie, I'll just say, "I know."

Liam Neeson (Taken): This character kicks ass, much like the movies we assign this to. Movies with this score are definitely worth seeing, but could be held off until they're available for rental or download. As long as you see it eventually, you're good. These movies are known to throat-chop their way into your heart.

Lord Voldemort: While the final Harry Potter was loved by many people, the final battle and some of the choices in the movie left people wanting more from it. Movies with this rating are good movies worthy of your time and money, but you may walk away disappointed. Most recommened as a rental.

Nicolas Cage in Wicker Man: I can't, in good conscience, recommend seeing a movie with this rating. Odds are that it's going to be pretty bad, be it story or acting. Only fanboys of the genre, director, writer, or actor might enjoy it. This is much like the Wicker Man — so bad it becomes funny. "They're in my eyes!" No Mr. Cage, they are not in your eyes, but these movies might be bad enough for you to want to scream the same thing.

Twilight: An abomination to cinema. Do not see movies with this rating. I'm sorry to even include these movies or this picture, but you must be warned. If you see these movies, you be rendered an emotionless, catatonic, zombie — much like Kristen Stewart.

Friday June 1, 2012

Piranha 3DD

This comedy/horror movie doesn't take itself seriously. You shouldn't either. Seriously, the cast of the first movie knew what Piranha 3D was — a comedy/horror movie so bad that it was funny. Did it warrant a sequel? Absolutely not! Put it in a water park, add another 'D' to the title, and have strippers with huge tittays be lifeguards. Piranha 3DD has a worse cast than the first movie... which is something I didn't think was possible. Holy sh*t! How did they manage to get David Hasselhoff, Gary Busey, and Champ from Anchorman in the same movie?! The only thing that could absolutely make this movie worth the purchase of a ticket is if Katrina Bowden goes home with you — and that's not going to happen. So, we'll have to settle for her in a bathing suit. And if that's the case, I can see that on 30 Rock. The first Piranha 3D movie was so bad it was funny. Kinda like Snakes on a Plane. There was no reason to make a sequel. I see no redeeming qualities in this movie, and you should be ridiculed if you decide to see it.

Rating:

Snow White and the Huntsman

Yes. As tempted as I am to leave just "yes" as my thoughts on Snow White and the Huntsman, I will expand further. This. Movie. Is. Going. To. Be. Awesome. This movie is Thor training Bella to beat the sh*t out of the villain from Monster. Well... kinda. Forget that Kristen Stewart was in Twilight and she seemingly can't play a role that's not Bella. She's in armor with a sword! And if you don't like her as an actress, Charlize Theron cancels her out with her good acting. That leaves Chris Hemsworth, and he's awesome. He fathered James T. Kirk for cryin' out loud! Snow White is so hot right now. She has the Once Upon a Time TV show that I'm in love with. And yea, Julia Robert's Mirror Mirror sucked, but this is like Lord of the Rings with a poisoned apple. If you're still on the fence, Bob Hoskins is in it, and he played Smee in Hook. Case closed.