Rick Santorum seems to have belatedly realized that nobody is going to elect for president a frothy byproduct of anal sex, and he wants Google to do something about it. He has, as Rachel Maddow puts it, “a Google problem”:

We could – and probably should – stop here. John F. Kennedy or Martin Luther King this is not. I don’t think anybody can or wants to imagine this guy standing on the lawn of the White House, or receiving a head of state.

But in the interest of thoroughness, we’ll “soldier on.” Here is Santorum’s whine. I can’t call it anything else with regards to a man so completely unaware of causal relationships:

Unfortunately, Santorum has forgotten a small constitutional matter: free speech.

In Rick Santorum’s mind, it’s okay for Rick Santorum to say anything he wants, no matter how stupid, offensive, or hateful it might be.

But God forbid if free speech should apply equally all around. There is nothing a “true conservative” like him hates more. Free speech, that is.

For example, during a discussion of exemptions to anti-abortion legislation, say for the mother’s health and/or life, Santorum had this gem:

When I was leading the charge on partial birth abortion, several members came forward and said, “Why don’t we just ban all abortions?” Tom Daschle was one of them, if you remember. And Susan Collins, and others. They wanted a health exception, which of course is a phony exception which would make the ban ineffective.

Mother’s lives are phony. Worse, a decade ago (the last time anybody thought him election worthy – fool me once and all that…), he got upset about “the selfishness, the individual self-centeredness” of legislators who showed any concern about the health of pregnant women, as though they were just cows doing their duty until slaughter. But even farmers care for the health of their cows.

Or…I don’t know, maybe the interview then-Senator Santorum gave to the Associated Press in 2003. Here he compared homosexuality to “man-on-dog” sex.

In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality —

It was this hateful, hurtful remark that got the ball rolling on redefining what “Santorum” is. For the record, I think they got it right.

You have to love Republican conceptions of basic rights like freedom of religion and freedom of speech. In their twisted universe these things apply onto them. Maybe Santorum is right about one thing: he is a true conservative.

It should also be pointed out that Rick Santorum hasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of being elected even if his last name stood for “cute fluffy bunnies.” As Maddow points out, he is polling last. A “name recognition” problem that when Election Day comes is going to be far more critical than any Google problem.

I don’t think Gingrich is a viable candidate either, but even losing his entire campaign staff, even saying all the stupid things he does (well, okay, they all do), Gingrich is facing better odds than Santorum simply because by now people know who he is.

Of course, no Republican really seems to stand much of a chance if a new Gallup poll is any indication. America, pure and simple, is tired of Republicans.

Oh, and we should mention too that Google no more controls what’s on the Internet than Obama controls the oil prices.

MSNBC’s Chuck Todd asked about his “Google issue” Thursday on the Daily Rundown:

Todd: “Do you think google has any responsibility in how its search engine works?”

Santorum: “It comes with the territory. There are foul people out there who do horrible things. It’s unfortunate some people thought it would be a big joke to make fun of my name. That comes with the territory.”

Now sure Google controls how their search engine works. But if you Bing “Santorum” guess what’s number 1? Why doesn’t Santorum go after Microsoft?

Maybe we should just ask Google and Bing to make Santorum and unsearchable term altogether. That seems the fairest solution. That we could all be spared offense.