Pocatello, Idaho – “I don’t have anything to apologize for,” said John L. Canard, 62, a Pocatello-based hedge fund manager who was identified as a Ryan Braun fan after an exhaustive nation-wide search.

“Let Braun juice all he wants," Canard growled in a very brief, impromptu, roadside press conference. "What is this? Russia?"

A source close to Braun's non-profit action committee Americans For Ryan Braun told eTruesports that the committee would suspend further Braun fan searches.

"It's pretty much hopeless. Everybody thinks Ryan's a shithead, a phony and a liar," explained a dejected AFRB supporter.

Ultimate Fighting in negotiations with PBS for children's show. "We think kids will love watching other kids kick one another in the face," said UFC president Dana White, "plus they'll learn about tattoos."

The American Delusional Narcissist Society is set to induct Alex Rodriguez and Donald Trump into its Hall of Fame, eTruesports has learned.

According to sources in Finland, Jameis Winston failed to qualify for the upcoming World Mobile Phone Throwing Championships in Savonlinna, FI.

Sarah Palin has called on the Westminster Kennel Club to ban Afghan Hounds from their 139th Annual Dog Show. "They're foreign," explained Palin.