Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Hanukkah Theme Parties Gone Bad

As I prepare for my upcoming Hanukkah Party (details to follow), a few themes crossed my mind. This should already be a hint that these themes are completely 1. Insane; 2. Mostly play on words (or, as I like to say, "Play on, words!"); and 3. Funny only to me. Here are a couple of Hanukkah Theme Parties that could either make or break the week my family likes to call "The Festival of Fights."

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1. "Star of David Schwimmer" Party

This is actually a GREAT idea for a Hanukkah party! Gather your closest friends/stereotypes up in your gigantic Soho loft, make some lattes and just talk. A lot. Spice things up a crotch when your local Rebbe shows up to perform "60 Second Nuptuals" amongst you and your pals. Married, Divorced, Married, Divorced, ad infinitum, just like our beloved TV Friends. The longer you keep going, the funnier it gets. Please Note: No black people allowed.

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2. "You Say Hanukkah, I Say Chanukah" Party

One side dresses like Paul Begala, the other side Tucker Carlson, as this rip-roaring party theme gets the gears turning Crossfire style. Because, let's face it, there is no definitive answer to the "How the fuck do you spell this ancient word?" question. Things get doubly ugly when real-life celebrity Jon Stewart shows up to call you and your nebbishy friends Dicks for trivializing the pain our ancestors endured thousands of years ago.

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3. "Wo-Menorah" Party

Invite all of your closest gal pals over to trash talk all the assholes on J Date. Then drown your single life problems in heavily fried fatty foods and calls to your Mother. Other possible topics of convo: cats, The Bachelor, suicide pangs.

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4. "Latkes and Latkas" Party

Everyone arrives dressed as foreign garage-nic Latka from Taxi while eating tasty finger foods (namely: latkes) and looking around with a wide-eyed enthusiasm. Not for the faint of heart, recommended for single people over 40.

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5. "Gelt Trip" Party

Help perpetuate Jewish stereotypes with this coin-based theme. Every attendee receives 20 chocolate gold coins at the door. Everyone sits in a circle, and bets (coin by coin) on who had the worst, most traumatic childhood. Winner gets to eat the pot (i.e. all the chocolate). Could possibly be combined with the "Wo-Menorah" theme as well.

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6. "Yawn-ukah and Drei-Dulls" Party

This is more of a mixer. Invite every single banker you know. Watch as people start to nod off and/or make-out with one another. Fall asleep after approximately 12 minutes.

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7. The "How Do You Make Manischewitz Wine?" Party

Answer: Grab everybody by the balls.

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Have a great holiday.

The perfect gift to give any child on whom you wish nightmares for roughly the next 20 years or so.