Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Donald Trump’s Interview with Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia

An historic event took place this morning when billionaire
Presidential candidate Donald Trump sat before the television cameras to
interview Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia. Here is the transcript.

TRUMP: How do I look?

SCALIA: You’re a billionaire. Why can’t you do something
about that hair?

TRUMP: Good morning, ladies and gentleman. I am sharing a
stage with a man I greatly admire and respect, the brilliant Supreme Court
Justice Anton Scalia. Thank you for joining me.

SCALIA: My pleasure.

TRUMP: Tell me, what was your reaction when I announced my
run for the White House?

SCALIA: Half the Republican Party is running for President.

TRUMP: Yes, but I’m talking about me.

SCALIA: Maybe we’d do better to switch topics.

TRUMP: Really?

SCALIA: It’s your hoe down.

TRUMP: Are you as upset as I am about the recent gay
marriage ruling by your fellow judges?

SCALIA: I am hornswaggled. My fellow jurists erred grievously
in their decision to give…those people equal rights under the law. The
Constitution isn’t some magical document that grants people any wish they want.
Mark my words, in the next few years we will see cases before the court of people
wanting to marry their pet gerbils.

TRUMP: It’s like you were reading my mind. Equality under
the Constitution simply doesn’t apply to everybody.

SCALIA: I have long favored monarchy as the ideal form of
human organization. Democracy is simply too much for people to handle.

TRUMP: I think it would be absolutely fantastic to run for
King.

SCALIA: We need men of character and proper breeding ruling
us, not the genetically questionable riff-raff we are getting these days.
Looking to the past is our key to the future.

TRUMP: Okay. Lets talk about the Gore v. Bush decision in
2000—

SCALIA: Come on, Donald. That’s ancient history. Old news.
I’m not going to sit here and rehash what happened 15 years ago.

TRUMP: But I thought you just said—

SCALIA: The past is the past. Let it go.

TRUMP: Citizen’s United. Still think that was the right
decision?

SCALIA: Without a doubt. It might be one of the Court’s
greatest achievements. By reducing the influence of the unwashed masses and
enhancing the influence of people who truly understand what power means and who
should wield it, by which I mean the filthy rich, we adjusted the balance in
this country to its correct position.

TRUMP: Believe me, I agree with you there. We can’t have
trailer trash or liberals deciding how this country should be run. I see we’re
out of time. Thank you for taking time out of your busy work gutting democracy
to talk to me, Judge Scalia.