One More Story

Along with depression I also deal with this...I have never ever before told anyone this. It has been my secret for about 9 years. It started after I had my daughter. I gained 80lb and stopped eating. I lost 60lb in 2 and a half months and became addicted to the way I felt. How good I looked. The attention I got. 3 more months it took to take the rest of plus 10 more. Then I hit a plateau. My hair had been falling out, I was tired, my depression was worse now and I started to eat again. I gained it all back in no time. I cared but didn't do nothing about it. I cried most days about everything and my weight was a big one. I finally was put on a medication that worked for my depression and went back to school to get my grade 12. Between walking to school having ,motivation to better myself helped me exercise. I cut out a lot of meals quick wasn't the best but I was healthier this timearound and lost that weight again. I graduated was waiting to start college and then i meet my sons father. I was pregnant again in no time. By the end of my pregnancy I was 80lb heavier again, off my meds, depressed and in a horribly wrong relationship. My son was born and I began drinking and using coke. I was abused. I lost weight again but this time I discovered binging and purging which did not help with losing weight but on top of the drugs I lost some. I pulled myself together once again and although it was hard I left that relationship. 1 and a half years ago when my son was 3. Within 4 months I meet my fiance who I am marrying this fall. And was pregnant again and have had the baby. This relationship I have to add is going very well. But I gained weight again more than I had before. I weigh now the most I ever have. I binged and purged through my last pregnancy and still now. I lost some but am totally unhappy with me. This eating and throwing up does not help you lose weight. I am addicted to it. I cannot stop. Why I am still fat I do not know. I hate it and I hate me! I don't want to be fat getting married. I am depressed on top of it and have no energy to get off my fat *** and do something about it. I'm ashamed. No one knows. Not even my fiance. I'm alone. I can't bright myself to tell anyone. I need help. My teeth are decaying. I'm losing my hair. I look sick. But I'm still fat.

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