My husband was invited to this party for Christmas, so I had to go out and get an outfit today since I don't fit into all my nice winter stuff...I was 145 lbs 2 winters ago, and last winter I pregnant.

I felt awful, this weight is uncomfortably high for me, my usual weight being like 160, so I feel very very uncomftable in my skin.

And since coming home I can't eat. I have trouble eating when I am very down on my body. Even if I'm hungry, the guilt and disguast are so overwhelming after clothes shopping..

I know exactly how you feel. What helps me when I don't want to eat is to remind myself that while I must eat, there's no reason I can't eat low in calories and high in bulk ... something like a big bowl of lightly seasoned steamed veggies is just the thing for times when I am feeling down about my body.

As for clothes shopping, it can be a great tool when a binge is coming on. I remember feeling pretty good about my progress ... and then I saw my back fat in the mirror while trying on a shirt, and oh my gosh! These days my reaction to clothes shopping is more positive than negative but it's still a great reminder to keep going.

I'm guessing you avoided shopping at your top weight? I did too. That can make it difficult to appreciate the first few pounds of weight loss ... if you don't know your true size at your top weight, you may not realize how far you've already come (at fifteen pounds down you may have already lost a dress size). But luckily, you will probably notice the difference soon.

thank you both I did avoid shopping at my highest. I just had babies each time so I wore maternity clothes after I was no longer maternity..

I was an 18 and I am now just fitting into a 16, so that feels good. I still avoid clothes shopping, I never felt good about it until I was like a size 8...I just hate all the lumps and bumps I have even as a 14 or 12...I'm not one of those girls with smooth curves at plus size, I'm more like the pillsbury dough boy!

HAHAHA I am EXACTLY the same, I never thought of pillsbury dough boy though, I think of myself time the marshmallow man from ghostbusters, or the Michelin man. Or, If I am trying on skinny jeans like an idiot - a person made out of sausages

I know you've struggled with this issue because of your past and upbringing, but it must be restated - your self worth as a woman is in no way, shape, matter, or form, linked to your weight and sex appeal. Feeling that way about food is disordered and wrong, and nobody every punished themselves healthy, though many have temporarily punished themselves thin. We all have seen how those stories end up (anorexia, depression, binge disorders, yo yo dieting, etc etc).

I'm so, so sorry you struggle like that when your weight is higher than you want and I relate hugely to feeling uncomfortable in your skin and overstuffed - I felt like that every day at my high weight. But shunning food out of disgust for yourself (even subconsciously) points to a frame of mind about food and motivation about losing that I think might circumvent the real issues at hand. You're going to constantly be battling your demons at whatever size you're at if you don't conscientiously uproot and replace these thoughts and responses with ones that are gentle, uplifting, and encouraging to your heart instead of incendiary and biting.

If you don't change the thinking, attitudes, and actions behind why you have struggled with self image to begin with, it's like taking down the warning signs while still leaving a landmine behind - it makes things look nicer, but the real problem is still underneath and ever so near to become an issue for you again. I wish you true healing and resolution on these weight battles, and that is an issue of sorting out headspace far more than diet logs!

As for clothes shopping, it can be a great tool when a binge is coming on. I remember feeling pretty good about my progress ... and then I saw my back fat in the mirror while trying on a shirt, and oh my gosh!

This was my trick back in the high school days to keep me from eating. I always said that the best way to keep on a weight loss goal is to window shop. Go try on a bunch of clothes and you will either be upset and not want to eat, or inspired by your progress and not want to derail it. I also struggled with an ED-NOS, so my experience is not optimal.

Artic Mama - you are very right...this is a very deep issue that I cannot seem to resolve. I did go to some therapy, but honestly didnt follow through..somewhere I've just come to terms with the fact that I will always have unhealthy issues with food. I very much get guilt with eating at times...it comes and goes, sometimes depending on how much stress I am under...mild stress leads me to binging...but with extreme stress, guilt, frustration I starve myself...I know I should work to resolve it but I've had this more years of my life than not, and I'm just sort of given up fully resolving the deep issues...I just work on not doing anything too unhealthy, I work on the symptoms. I sometimes talk myself through my meals, over eating or under eating, its a daily process but I soppuse all I know is this so I cant imagine it any otherway.I'll always be working towards healing.

Munchy, I had so many ways to keep from eating. I used to visit those pro ED sites and get tips off there. The fact that I do not do that anymore, makes me feel I've made some progress. 3FC has actually helped me by giving me a healthy place to go online so that I stayed away from the other sites. Especially when I first joined 3FC I was going to both sites, but as I settled in here and started to know other members I would visit here first, and now of course I only visit here (meaning no pro ED sites)

I also know it is something I need to work on getting over because it isn't healthy. But laughing over it when someone who sympathizes helps me get through it more than stressing over it or getting down on myself for it.

Glamourgirl I too have had my periods of visiting proED sites for tips. I still look for thinspiration/fitspiration pics to help me if I feel like I want to binge or go off my diet. Is it flirting with disordered behavior? Probably. But I also have told my husband what I have done in the past, signs to watch for and what I do now. I trust him to keep me from slipping into completely disordered behavior.

I think I have always walked on one side of the line or the other. Flirting with an ED when dieting and total BED when not. But I am working on it, and I am sure I will be for a loooong time