This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.

Maybe I should keep away…

No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.

But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.

Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.

Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-

Glenwood Gardens, spring 2013– Photos I took about a month ago, just as the warm weather was returning with leaves opening to the sun. It was also the day a random stranger- an art photographer walking that day- asked me to pose for his collection. The lavender shaded trees at the end of this slide were near the site he chose for my photo. It was very beautiful that day.

I’ve made it through my first week on my new job. I like the work I’m doing, how I’m mainly responsible for my own tasks and have no one else’s judgment to worry about or rely on. I had a difficult first few days during training, but more due to the crisis I was having emotionally. I underestimated how much the stress of this change would overwhelm me. I’m grateful I had an appointment with my doctor before I made any decisions. He gave me another medication that is working very well, and what we discussed made a mark in mind that I hope to talk further about in two weeks time.

I won’t be the one to say things are finally looking up and all will be well, but I got through the first week. That is more than enough for now.

Their presence, made known.
Well they spoke by fierce shifting’s of wind.
The others, above and underworld,
Demand to be let in.

For each to stake their claim –
To make their case, settle in and have their ways
Before this spirit has chance to rise
From its final breath, be shaken dim
Its spark of life.

The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,

Punishment and promise defined.

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I’m waiting to hear back about an interview I had on Friday. I was feeling really great about my chances, but as usual with any good feelings, it was short lived. Things are complicated at home also. My doctor mentioned something I was already reading up on called Expressed Emotion that has given me insight into what’s probably going on between my mother and I and the anger/disappointment I sense just beneath the surface from her so often. I know it’s not easy putting up with my coldness and low moods and I wish she was honest with me about just how frustrated she truly is. I’m so sorry to still be this sort of burden to her. As all over the place as I am in trying to regulate my own emotions, from the food restrictions and over exercising I can’t stop- to remembering my medication each night, it’s wearing me out worrying about every move I make around her and the rest of my family.

Nothing I’m supposed to mention though. The point of all is once again losing me.

I’m sharing the video below here to help move past some major insecurities. I’m singing an a-capella version of something I wrote. I recorded with a piano arrangement, but I think I butchered the whole thing so I went back. Most of my songs start out with no music at all like this, so I thought it was a decent one to attempt by video first (I made two).

Just to explain, I’m extremely uncomfortable with fully facing any camera and always have been. Recording something in the way I have here and re-watching it leaves me very embarrassed and desperate to apologize. Just setting aside the stupid reasons behind my shame, I am sorry. Maybe one day I can play it back and not feel so disgusted.

Anyway, below is the piano arrangement of this song I mentioned before.

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I’ve had a strange week. Two interviews I thought went the best I could have expected and another week spent less interested in truly hurting myself. I understand something now that I’ve needed to understand better for a long time. It doesn’t fix everything, but helps me keep the slight grasp I feel I’ve regained recently.

My second completed piece after that long break away from painting. This was totally unplanned/without a sketch. An early mother’s day gift. She still remembers me painting flowers a lot when I was younger and I thought it would be interesting to see what such a painting would turn out as today the person I am now.