HiI am already a member on this page but wanted to post anonymously, I am 12 weeks pregnant and have two children already. I'm 34 and have been married 6 years together 17. We are a happy couple and are very close at least I thought we were about 6 weeks out of no were he told me he wanted to leave. It was said and done in an extremely horrible nasty way. He didn't leave and we decided to work on it. Today again he has decided no that he wants out. He wants me to have an abortion and has done all along. I have been extremely sick the past 6 weeks because of all this. I love my husband so so much and I am completely lost.. I don't work and I am a stay at home mam I have no money of my own and would have to sell the house and I'm not sure what would happen then probably a councel house I don't know anything about it... I've literally been crying constantly for 6 weeks I cant do this alone and know I cant. I don't want to.. I am so desperate do upset and completely broken.. I don't want to have a life without him and cant face it.

My first thought after reading your latest reply was that your husband is sick and is pushing you away to save you from seeing him ill. I could be way off though but you should speak with him and ask him.

girllost - whilst I appreciate what a shock you have had and that most likely you have been very preoccupied and sick and tired the last few weeks, it normally takes a while to lose 2 stone? How are you only noticing it now after your Mam did? If he has lost 2 stone and is looking yellow in the face I would be quite worried to be honest and first stop for him would be the gp regardless of what else was going on. I think all else should be put aside until he sees a doctor.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment and give advice. I really appreciate it. I wasn't as bad today as I was yesterday a little bit calmer, I think its because i have read all your comments over n over during the day.... Thanks so much also my mam was alot better with me today.

This was totally out of the blue, it was my birthday two weeks before this happened n although we don't have much money he sent me off for a few hours I came home n he had decorated the house with streamers n banners and about 100 pink balloons all over the floor he set up the table like a child's party with jellies all my favourites nbprincess tablecloth etc bought me a euro shop crown to wear filled the four vases in my kitchen n when I walked in he was stood there in his suit with two more bouquets in his arms. He even had the front door decorated so I would see it driving up. Later that night I went up the stairs he had ran a bath lit candles bought me new jammies n had a hot water bottle warming them, he had a duvet n pillow on the couch n a movie ready to watch. That is who my husband is and always has been. He is not this nasty man and I would not be fighting for him of he was.. He has distanced himself from me n the kids the past 6'weeks and I do honestly think there is something wrong with him. My mam saw him for the first time in 8 weeks today, she told me she didn't think she could see him without hitting him but when she saw him she almost died. He's lost about two stone and was thin to begin with I never noticed how drastic it really was till shr pointed it out she thinks he's aged about ten years and is yellow in his face when she saw him all she could do instead of killing him was to ask him of he was ok. He has an extremely stressful jobbed but has always managed with it well but has also started college so I don't know if that and another baby was the tipping point.. I really do think he has had some sort of a breakdown I'm staying in my mams forced myself on them because i just couldn't be at home.

Girl lost I was in your shoes once, apart from having a baby, my family were useless also, but I found solace in other ways, I had an amazing counsellor, rollercoaster was a life saver also, I'm still standing and you will too! Don't think about the future for now, just the present and one step at a time.

you need to detach from your husband completely and focus on yourself and kids. Keep it simple, keep posting here and rant if you need to!

You are not a child anymore, but you have children to care for. AND THEY WANT YOU. Are they not enough for you? Is their love for you not enough to give you the impetus to get through the day?

If your husband does not love you, you can't change that. Pining for something that is lost is a wasted emotion and energy. Its his loss, from reading your posts its clear you love him despite his many many flaws (many women would run from a man who would treat them and their unborn child this way), more that any other woman would. So hard luck for him when he realises what he has thrown away. He is a dickhead anyway, he is no great loss, and one day you will see that.

But you have got to get on with things and get sorted. In less than 7 months you will have a new baby to love, and love it you will, because you are a good mother.

How much do your parents know about your relationship? Do they know he is gone and that he asked you to have an abortion? Would his family be able to help out, and maybe take your kids for a sleepover or something?

girllost - I'm really sorry to hear about your family but right now, there are four people in your life who need your attention most - yourself and your three children. It is very hard to break emotional ties and it will always hurt but he's behaving like scum and I think deep inside you know he will never come back. Your two children and your unborn baby need you more than anything. Please focus on them.

I wish I had the support that all of you have unfortunately I just don't. My family are not like that. I'm staying in my mams this week well I was hoping for the week but when I told her I needed her n her support she said id have to give them money to stay here and then text back to say my dad was going mad that I was staying. I came over her at 3pm yesterday n my mam was still in bed. They spent the day giving out to my son and I still wasn't able to have time to myself because I was trying to keep him quiet and behaved. No body wants me.. I didn't sleep a wink, I have this horrendous feeling off loss n its making me go insane. I have a physical pain in my tummy like its turning all the time.. I just miss my husband so so much n want him to love me..

I've no advice but just wanted to saw I hope your feeling a bit stronger soon, it has to be very difficult to face this when pregnant. Get as much support as you can, great advice here. As another poster said he doesn't deserve you.

Maybe he IS going through some sort of crisis himself but if he's not willing to get help to sort it then he's a disgrace. I know its hard but you need to shift your focus away from him for now, as you have more important things to consider.

My personal opinion is that at this stage its very late to get a termination. You're already into 12 weeks, it will take at least a week to organise at which stage you know what it looks like, fully formed etc. I would consider a termination but only in very early pregnancy. It seems from the struggle you had to conceive and with miscarriages etc that a termination now would have a terrible affect on your mental health in the long run. That's just my opinion - if you do want to seriously consider a termination you need to make that your priority today.

But as others have said, even though you don't feel like you can, you WILL be able to get through this shit time. Let him leave, he's no use to you anyway. Take one day at a time. Get advice on the practical things and do not let him shirk any of his responsibilities. Get real-life help immediately, tell your family and friends (if you haven't already) don't think you're protecting him or possibly saving your marriage in any way by keeping quiet. You have been shit on from a height and you need the support and love of your friends and family - and I'm sure you'll get it if you tell them what's happened.

Be kind to youself, keep going to the counselling and keep putting one foot in front of the other, little steps, and you will come through this. Good luck.

Many many women end up with pregnancies they did not want, only to have a child that they could not be without. At least you are being totally honest, and that my dear, is a very strong thing to be, and the fact that you admit your true feelings shows me that you are certainly not as weak as you think.

I have no doubt at all that you will get through this current shocking turn of events.

maybe you're partly right, and you did put the kids ahead of him. but a family shouldn't be one before the other. sometimes the kids take first preference, then a parent. a case of needs must.

don't blame yourself though. he has behaved in a very juvenile way. he owes you the common decency of sitting down and explaining himself properly and calmly. he needs to explain why he's suddenly behaving like he is. it's really not good enough to say i'm out of here, abort the baby, i'm not in a place to be a dad right now.

those aren't things he can decide for anyone.

if in time you decide you can't go ahead with the pregnancy, then you'll make that decsion yourself. after all, you'll be the one looking after it, plus a 3 yo and a teen.

i'd give serious thought as to whether it's the environment to add the pressure and stress of a baby. so i hope the counselling helps.

You can tell me if I'm inappropriate and I will delete, that unborn child sounds like a miracle! After all the babies you've lost! How are you feeling today about the pregnancy?

The reason I asked was your dh behaviour out of the blue is because sometimes there are issues that you cannor face, then something happens like the pregnancy and boom! Maybe things have not been going well but you will do anything to keep the family together and won't face it.

I know dearie is right in everything she says and thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.. I need to get my thoughts straight I don't know if its because I'm pregnant that I am taking this so bad. I would give anything for him to put his arms around me n tell me everything is all right. We were using precautions but I can tell you the night it happened and I should have done something the next day but didn't think I needed too we had trouble trying for our three year old, 7 years trying n 4 miscarraiges. It was stupid n naive of me to think I couldn't get pregnant. I'm sorry I know I sound so week n like a walk over n I'm so embarrassed and have thrown my dignity out the window.. At the moment I cant see an end to this not one were I'm in any way even remotely happy.. I cant see my kids being happy with a mother who is broken n distraught everyday. I don't know how I will love a new baby I don't want n that sickens me to the core and is why I'm having counselling. I've never not once not wanted to be pregnant. I've spent years n years trying to get pregnant n loosing babies lying there praying for a heart beat only to be told there's none. I cant get my head around that.. I was bleeding five weeks ago n had to have a scan I thought I lost the baby nbwhen they told me there was a little heart beat but I had a clot n that's what the bleeding was, I cried not from relief but I don't know it wasn't happiness. I'm a disgusting human being for feeling like that. I wish I had half the bravery you women have and I admire that I really do but I don't I really don't thank you for your advice..

Good men don't leave their pregnant wives. They don't demand that their wife abort their own child.

Good men talk through their issues, they listen when their nearest ie their wife recommends, ask, pleads even, that they attend counselling to understand what is going on.

Now, this might sound a little tough, but you need to get it together for your kids. Just because one of their parents has lost the run of himself, does not mean that it is ok for their other parent to do so too. One of you needs to prioritise the children. Get making dinner, call your counselor, call your GP, call your best friend, call anyone who can support you today. Its a tough time for you, but say he had died, you would have to get on with things anyway. What you are feeling is just like the grief of a passing of a loved one, but you would have to buck up and get on with life. So you need to do that today. Get some water, and get busy with something.

I wish his behaviour did sicken me, he is a good man going through something, I've pushed him away n let the kids take over my life. I cant hate him or blame him for how he feels. My kids are 17yr and 3yr. I cant even think past today or how I going to get through today, I'm completely broken n so so upset I'm shaking n crying n I cant control it. I'm trying but I cant.

Right now your world is crashing down around you along with many hopes and dreams, you say you feel grief and that is an accurate word for what you're experiencing. Right now it doesn't feel like you can do this or will cope but I promise you, your mind is deceiving you right now. Take one step at a time, for now it's survival, keeping your kids warm and fed and getting through the day.

You must reach out to others in real life...there is no shame in this situation despite what you might feel or the finality of telling others what's happened...you need to reach out, a moment of bravery. There are lots of places to get information on benefits and practical support such as;

www.onefamily.ie

www.citizensinformation.ie

www.flac.ie

www.svp.ie

www.womensaid.ie

There is no reason why you would be forced to leave your house from a legal point of view. Usually you will be entitled to stay until your children are adults. Things will be hard financially but not impossible. If you can't manage the mortgage at very worse case scenario you will have to get on to your local housing list and most likely claim for rent allowance and seek rented accommodation. It's not ideal but it doesn't need to be forever either. Although it will not feel like it now things will get a lot better over the next year, whatever you decide about the pregnancy. Seek support don't suffer this traumatic experience alone.

''Rock bottom became the solid foundation from which I built my life'' JK Rowling (was once in your shoes)

Sending you cyber hugs, keep it simple/ day to day for now try not to allow long term fear to overwhelm you, it really won't be as bad as it feels at the moment.

Well, tough for him but he should have made up his mind three children and a wedding ago. I think your best turn would be to face the fact that he doesn't want to be with you and your children anymore and start looking into possibilities of getting financial support from him and standing up on your own feet.

1. do you have any family who could help you and support you at least for now? I don't mean financially but maybe provide a bit of babysitting while you are trying to organize everything/

2. Go to citizenship information and have a look at your possibilities after legal separation.

3. Have a look at your skills and see how if you could use them to help you out. Would it be possible to upskill for potential future employment? Could you earn some money minding children? Not easy with another on the way but could help you in terms of finances and confidence in your own skills.

Can I ask a favour from you this morning? Would you please get in touch with your counselor and let them know how you are feeling? I am sure they will be able to put you in touch with the relevant services who can give you practical help. As you are unfit for work, you should start the process of applying for Illness Benefit or Invalidity Pension. Call your local housing officer and explain what you might need in the future.

You won't be on your own. You have your children, you are never lonely with kids around. As you say, you have been a good wife and mother. LIfe always presents opportunities, you just have to recognise them and grab them when you can.

Hi thanks for the advice, he is not saying if I have an abortion he will stay. He said last night he doesn't think he loves me n hates "this lifestyle" I presume he means being married n having kids.. He does not want any type of relationship with the baby at all. I cant let him go and face life without him I don't want to..

You need to talk to citizens advice to get an idea of your entitlements and to put you in touch with legal aid. You will be entitled to OPFA . To say you can't do this alone isn't an option I'm afraid. You have to get your ducks in a row and focus on your kids. Don't look too far ahead. Your husband has to go and you need to get an agreement in place for finances (hence getting legal aid in place asap).You need to decide if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy regardless of what your husband wants. He is gone whether you have an abortion or not. This is a terrible situation to be in. I hope you have someone to give you a good hug.

Honestly hand on my heart I don't want the baby, it was unplanned and a complete shock, I don't work because I have a debilitating condition which leaves me exhausted, nauseated and in constant pain I often loose the use of my hands.. I don't believe in abortion and would not have one, I may not want to the baby but its only because I don't think I can manage another one in not physically able. I know I deserve more I know that I am a good wife and mother I struggle every single day to give my family what they need.. I'm very supportive of my husband and everything he does.. I'm already going to counselling over the pregnancy and would love him to go as well and to couple counselling but he refuses. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone n with three children I would rather be dead and that's the blunt reality of it for me. I'm not a strong person and I don't have a network of support. I'd rather throw in the towel then go through this..

There is no point being with someone like this. Yes, it may be that he is worried about another mouth to feed (and I take it, unplanned), or there could be something else bothering him that is causing him to behave so deplorably. But, if he can't sit down with you and be completely honest, and instead goes straight to the solution space, which in his mind means you aborting the baby, then you do not need someone like this. It is too controlling.

You could suggest counselling to try and get to the root of the issue. But up front you will need to decide what you are doing. If you are continuing with the pregnancy, you will need to at least prepare for the fact that you will be doing this alone. Again, this does not mean that he can ignore his responsibilities. but you would need to be able to call on friends and a network of support.

There are financial supports for parents in your situation but you are right, financially it will not be easy. You are no doubt aware that at best you will go on a housing list once you have sold your current home, and in the meantime, while you wait for one to be allocated, you will receive rent supplement. You will need to start thinking a couple of years on and how you will get back into the workforce.

I know you say that you can't face a life without him, but I don't believe that. I can't believe you want a life with anyone at any cost. What you are feeling is the fear of the changes that will come about if your relationship breaks up. But these can be a good thing. Or, unless he agrees to relationship counselling, it would be far better than living with someone who has you hanging by your fingernails for the rest of your life

No he definitely is not he has his mind made up, I don't think he enjoys our kids at all he would rather be anywhere else but with them. Even if he paid for the house I couldnt afford to run it and he couldnt afford to pay for everything and live some where himself. I have no support at all my mam is always sick and you cant count on her at all, my sister works n my other sister lives to far away. They know I'm pregnant but I told them we were getting on brilliant now which I thought we were until today.. I know it would be best for him to leave but I'm not very good on my own I would be an emotions wreck and I'm also afraid he would enjoy being away and never come back. I'm not taking this well at all I'm so upset I feel like I'm grieving I'm vomitting from crying so much and cant eat.

Im so sorry to hear this..i dont know how to advise..r u sure hes not panicking over the responsibility of a new baby..? This can happen..But if he is adamant he wants to go its better he goes now.Do people know about your pregnancy..?U need to put you and your children first.Just because he leaves doesnt mean he has no financial responsibilities,You and your children deserve to stay in your home-This wasnt your decision.Perhaps you can contact the social worker at your maternity hospital for advice on financial entitlements/counselling..Hugs

You poor thing, what a horrible time for you. Is there anywhere he could go for a few weeks? To give you some space and some peace. Why do you think you would have to see the house? Under family law it should be provided for you and the children. I hope that you have family and friends to support you, your husband sounds very childish. Don't forget that you are very hormonal at the moment, try to take a step back and be calm. Best of luck.