Workouts That Target Your Parasitic Twin

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No matter how much you diet and exercise, if your workouts aren’t targeting your parasitic twin, you’re not going to see results. Whether your semi-formed sibling is a fully formed, sentient corpse or just a calcified clump of hair and bones, these workouts are sure to whittle your problem area down to a benign lump.

Shoulder Press

This maneuver is sure to blast away that unwanted twin. Hold a pair of eight- or ten-pound hand weights next to your ears, bend your knees slightly, and push the weights over your head, then whisper, “This is my body and you are not welcome here,” and return to start. That’s one rep. Start off with two sets of 12 reps, increasing speed as the screeching of your parasitic twin begins to subside. The initial burst of parasitic weight loss will be mostly water and evil weight, so remember to eat plenty of protein to ensure you’re burning actual twin.

Side Planks

If you’ve recently had part of your twin removed, this exercise is great for losing those last five twin pounds. Place your forearm on the floor perpendicular to your body, and lift your hips off the ground so your body is in a straight line from your shoulder to your feet. Hold for 30 seconds. For extra support, use the leftover appendage of your twin to stabilize the core.

Neck Raises

The neck is most common problem spot for parasitic twins, and they tend to pop up when we’ve been lazy. Just a few preventative neck raises a day will ensure that your head stays toned and burns twice the parasitic twin as regular diet and exercise alone.

Leg Extensions

Standing with your feet hips’ width apart, left your leg behind you a few inches and return to the floor. Do 25 reps on each side, or 40 on one side if your twin lives on only one of your legs. This move both elongates the quads and slowly stretches out your twin until it tears in half. For best results, be sure the ripping generates from the parasitic twin and not from a body part you plan to use again.

Crossover Jackknife

The battle of the bulge is an internal one. These jackknives target your parasitic twin by beating them into a bloody pulp, hanging on by your shared tendons until they fall right off. You’ll shed the pounds and shred the tissue of your desperately unwanted nightmare.

Do this circuit three times a week and see you’ll be seeing results as soon as it gives up! Say “goodbye” to that parasitic twin and “hello” to the sexy, confident you!