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ACC Power Rankings: ‘Trailer Park Boys’ Edition

It’s that time again. Not only is the ACC Tournament upon us but it’s also that time where we roll out another themed edition of our very own ACC Power Rankings.

This time we chose something near and dear to our hearts. An import that trickled down from our northern neighbor and found a place in our pantheon of great television. Even more exciting than the seven seasons of TV this product gave us, it also threw in several movies to the universe it created and another film is on the way.

If you don’t already know this classic series, it’s Trailer Park Boys. Chronicling the lives of three felonious buds-Julian, Ricky and Bubbles-TPB delves deeper into the underbelly of circumstances that lead to the “fucked” lives all the residents of Sunnyvale live. There are few franchises outside of The Wire that have more story lines and characters you’ll care about — or more cursing.

1. Miami – Cyrus

Always in trouble with the law. Cyrus takes over the trailer park when they boys aren’t around, much like Miami capitalized on a down ACC to become king of the conference.

2. Duke – Mr. Jim Lahey

Drunk bastard. You sometimes want to sympathize with Lahey (Duke) but never can because he does too much shifty stuff. Like the Trailer Park Boys (Julian, Ricky and Bubbles) finally reach a sort of ceasefire with Lahey, the rest of Tobacco Road (UNC, State and Wake) has learned to deal with Duke. It doesn’t mean they don’t hate the fucker; they just have to live with him.

3. UNC – Julian

Leader, general good guy, always looking in the right direction even when his “teammates” are getting him into trouble. He’s trusted to keep others in line and loves them despite their flaws — be it YOLO jumpshots or the ability to always find a way to get arrested. Much like UNC, he never admits mistakes.

4. Virginia – Randy

Another smart school like Duke/Lahey. Randy packs cheeseburgers in his gut just as well as UVA runs the pack-line defense. He sometimes asserts himself, but then undoubtedly falls back to Earth. Virginia can sometimes pull out the big win, but also lost to half the CAA this year.

5. NC State – Ricky

Bumbling sidekick of Julian. Can be counted on for a laugh (NC State sheeeet). Never can get his act together but always seems to get people to think that he does. Ricky’s on-and-off again girlfriend Lucy is always ready to give him another chance while the ACC media picked State to win the league this year. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade.

6. Florida State – J-Roc

This year were really trying to be something that they’re not. Not fooling anyone but we let them go with it. “You know what I’m sayin’?”

7. Maryland – Cory & Trevor

Cory and Trevor have to be lumped together because they are effectively one person. They want to run with the big dogs (Julian and Ricky), but constantly get left hanging. They finally flee the park in the last season because they think they can do better elsewhere (B1G, anyone?) by not being around Julian and Ricky, but not before Ricky hits them up for smokes one last time (ACC exit fee).

8. Boston College – Ray

Ray fakes his disability and BC seems to think its hard to recruit in the Boston metropolitan area. We know that ain’t right. Ray is always talking about the “way of the road,” and Donahue runs a “good program,” with that Ivy League pedigree and all. Oh yeah, Ray pisses in jugs.

9. Georgia Tech – Conky

Conky is a dummy. Georgia Tech is as well, but somehow they keep terrifying the shit out of UNC (Julian.)

10. Wake Forest – Bubbles

True friend of Julian and Ricky (Tobacco Road) until he finds himself caught up in their schemin’. While he seems to have his head on his shoulders, he’s proven to be inept even though he’s trying hard. Sound familiar, Deacons? Both Wake and Bubbles have catchphrases (Bzdelik’d and “deee-cent” respectively) and would probably rather be playing with model trains, or kitties.

11. Clemson – Sam

The “goddamn caveman.” No one in the park likes Sam, and he’ll never win the election for trailer park supervisor. Similarly, no one likes Clemson, and they’ll never win (in Chapel Hill).

12. Virginia Tech – Bottle Kids

So atrocious you just run and hide and hope you don’t get hit by Erik Green’s jumper.