Employment introduces Darcie to the world of open bars. She finds it is a world without phones, keys, wallets, or anything not expressly attached to Darcie.

2010

Darcie receives her college diploma and realizes that, much like her high school diploma, no one will ever want to see this thing. She frames it.

2009

Darcie adopts a fish and names it David. She tells every David she meets that her fish is named after him, and hopes none of the Davids she told that to are reading this.

2008

Darcie becomes the posterchild of what not to do in Russia. Her study abroad program awards her "Most Unsuccessful Attempts to Get Somewhere."

2007

Darcie photographs every minute detail of dorm life and develops a deep-seated hate for people who leave their laundry in dryers overnight.

2006

Darcie spends her high school graduation in the front row, making faces. Her mother spends Darcie's graduation hiding in the stands, regretting her conception.

2005

The Las Vegas Literary Society gives Darcie $1,000 on the same day her parents buy her a brand new car. She googles possible terminal illnesses.

2004

Darcie learns to drive in a white car two years her senior. She decorates it with black spots and names it "the Cow." When it dies, she makes jokes about "putting it out to pasture," only to discover that she is genuinely sad.

2003

Darcie eats only watermelon-flavored ("watermelon"-flavored) food ("food") and runs half-marathons on Mondays because her body is fourteen and immortal.

2002

Someone points out that Darcie has failed to fill out her dress for the 8th grade dance. She spends the night in the bathroom, crying into her training bra and trying to wipe off her mother's dark lipstick.

2001

Steven Ireland draws his own box and labels it "Maybe." He checks it, passes the note back to Darcie, and ignores her for the rest of the year.

2000

Darcie moons a school picture and watches the dean write "lewd and pornographic behavior" on her permanent record. She is twelve.

1999

After two rounds of rigorous mock interviews, Darcie is hired as THE advertiser for her class's student-run business. She decides to learn about copyright law the hard way, and draws Powerpuff Girls on every. single. poster.

1998

Darcie dedicates recess to guarding the ant pile and bug-hating Sabra Gambino earns the title "Such a bitch." Darcie wears the detention like a badge of honor.

1997

Darcie attends her third school in as many years and writes a story about how everyone in Room 2 pees their pants. Her classmates agree this is edgy.

1996

Darcie's red-haired deskmate Collin shakes the container too hard and kills their mealworm. Its death goes unnoticed by teachers, so each week, instead of cocoons and beetles, they draw the various stages of decomposition. Darcie's first parent-teacher conference is held.

1995

Darcie decides she hates Catholic school and spends most of first grade hiding in a closet watching Fern Gully. She does not regret this decision.

1994

Darcie claims to have driven an entire school bus full of children to safety. Despite the fact that this never happened, it's one of Darcie's most vivid memories.

1993

Darcie creates an unintentional commonality between herself and Van Gogh by severing her left earlobe on an outdoor waterslide. The actual cause of the incident remains unclear, but experts of the time (Darcie) maintain that it was "probably a bee." Darcie's mother refutes these claims.

1992199119901989

Darcie's head--big as it is-- fails to store memories.

1988

Darcie is born on the same day Leslie Manigat is elected president of Haiti. Six months later, as Darcie's neck muscles are strengthening, evidence of fraud surfaces and President Manigat is overthrown. Darcie rolls over too.