I Have A Girlfriend! Umm… No I Don’t

Often when I meet crew for some reason one of the first things they ask is ‘Nath, are you single?’. I think girls want me to say I have a girlfriend so they don’t need to worry about me getting creepy (tough luck eh girls) and the guys hope I’m single so I can come out on the piss with em, you know what handbrakes the wrong lass can be right!

I’m not really sure why I’m single though I can run you through what sent the recent lady friend runnin for the hills.

There was a little history previous to this, but then…

It was a good mates wedding during the day so we were three ticks past wobbly by the time I rolled into me local at about 8pm. Alleycats was pumping and I was keen to get amongst it so grabbed myself some tequila shots and rehydrated, weddings are thirsty work for the single man.

After a few hours of shenanigans, it was time get a little shuffle on over to this watering hole I like to keep under wraps, cracker little spot away from the bintang brigade and often packed with scando girls. One foot in the door and I saw Viking Girl.

Viking Girl and I had probably been hanging out for about 4 weeks or more by this stage and things seemed to be going pretty well. Lots of fun together and all that hoopla.

So I step in the door, see Viking Girl sitting with a table full of friends and me brain musta sharted because I was straight up there with me pants off trying to climb on the table.

I know what your thinking and no, I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking either. I can imagine it seemed like a good idea at the time, I just can’t work out how.

Anyway, climbing on the table proved to be a little more difficult than I’d perceived it would and I fell head first into the bench seat on the other side of the table, knocking some of her friends over whilst knocking myself unconscious. Nate Dogg is here bitches! Dickhead!

I stayed unconscious for a few hours until Viking Girl woke me up at closing time, “Come on you can’t drive so I’ll drop you home”. This beautiful creature just sat there with me for hours, looking after my drunk, bare arse (they couldn’t get my shorts back on so they just laid them over me) after I’d completely embarrassed her in front of her friends and she wasn’t even mad at me! Keeper!

On the back of the bike things were just whizzing by, I didn’t really even know what was goin on until I had that very crappy gut wrenching feeling… and spewed all down the side of Viking Girl! Shit! Did that even just happen? “I’m not gonna turn around.” “Good it’s best you don’t see this Viking Girl.” Amazingly I was still on the bike, she hadn’t stabbed me which let’s be honest, she should of, probably.

Viking Girl got me home and for some reason didn’t want to come inside, to be honest I was ready for bed by now I reckon so that was that, but only for that night, see this poor girl is such an amazing thing that she actually accepted my apologies over dinner a few night’s later and decided to keep hanging out with me! Vikings are tough huh!

So, episode 2!

A solid fortnight after that I was consuming some tucker in Alleycats with Viking Girl when an old mate from the land down under came waltzin in to surprise me. I love these surprises! Always good to get reinforcements on the front line. D Rock and I didn’t need to have a sit n chat about whether or not we were going out, it was just on! Smashing tequila like Tiger Woods smashes holes we were just kicking into gear when Viking Girl let me know she was heading off home “but come stay at my place, the gate will be open, just come when your finished dancing”. What a cracker of a lady.

After leaving Alleycats and heading out into the hedonistic clutches of Kuta I lose me memory for the night and I have no idea how we ended up at the end of the road, but next thing I knew that’s exactly where we were!

“Hey Nath! Wake up!” “Huh, oh shit, good morning, where am I?” “Your on my couch and your covered in vomit” “Oh shit I’m so so sorry, wait I’ll clean it up” “It’s ok, but your friend is passed out on the floor and he has shit his pants I think!” “OH FUCK!”

Somehow D Rock and I had made our way back to her place, I’d passed out on the couch and he on the floor and before the sun had risen we had both made a mess of ourselves in one way or another. Disgraceful. So I’m laying there covered in the kebab I must of picked up on the way home, or at least that’s what the vegetables on my chest told me. And D Rock is on the floor pretending to be a chocolate factory.

So that was the end of the road, understandably, anyone still curious as to why I’m single?