my body is constantly tense, can’t relax. I have been seeing a chiropractor for the last two weeks to help with lower back pain and rotated hips. With each adjustment I think past experiences are being released. Things that I have buried are coming to the surface. Things I wanted to avoid. Maybe the body does keep score, even if I want to forget them. I did read several articles on how the hips and pelvic region hold tension and emotions from traumas, bad memories, etc. Stretching, meditation and yoga are supposed to help with this but I’m unsure why it didn’t work for me… also read you are supposed to let your body release these memories. Most likely why it did not work for me…I don’t deal or acknowledge things done to me. I always say “I’m okay” even when I’m not. Everyone has their own issues so why I should I burden someone with my own issues. But for today I spent hours thinking about what situations molded me into the person I am today…I cried over them, wrote them down and tore the paper into small pieces…those situations are small compared to how high above them that I am. So if you see me tomorrow I may have super puffy eyes…just saying.

I had someone tell me today that I always look happy… I wanted to say to her,”if you only knew what is going on in my head.” My head is filled with lists of things I need to accomplish, cleaning tasks at home, organizing my house- making sure it looks perfect like a magazine, what workout class or gym I’ll be going to, etc. Perfectionism is something I’ve always struggled with- looking perfect, making perfect grades, having perfect hair, the perfect house, the perfect relationships…. but perfect doesn’t exist. I know it doesn’t exist so why do I still struggle with being perfect?

This has been on my mind lately. Why do I dwell on such small things, things that don’t necessarily matter but tear me apart with each thought… things that are upsetting and unattainable.

If you look at me closely you will see dark circles under my eyes, lines in my skin, dull skin and usually a forced smile. I was looking at my skin today and just horrified at what I saw…. and then I reminded myself that I’m not young anymore. Then I thought to myself, just a few months ago I was doing a self love challenge and where did all the love that I found for myself in that time go….. I talk about myself like I am my own enemy…I criticize every little thing about myself…I notice every flaw about myself…I criticize how I do my job…I have started back comparing myself to others.

Jordan… that is the old you. I have to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can do at the moment.

I am letting not only my body heal but also my mind and soul which is much needed. I’m hoping by next week I can return to yoga and get back on my gym schedule. Working out regularly helps regulate my mood and decreases my depression. I was thinking of maybe switching up my workout routine…. maybe adding Pilates a couple times a week for increased strength and trying running for my stress level. It has been beautiful outside lately so I may try running in my neighborhood. I’ll let y’all know how that goes. Speaking of stress level… I have 57 hours of PTO that I have not used and it’s only March!!! I need to use this time. I’m thinking of taking a day off a month for writing and reading a book.

I have several books I want to finish and want to read… also I am writing more lately.. about past experiences, memories, online dating, doggy memories, family memories… I’m not sure what I’ll do with them. I’ve been looking at writing a book but not sure what topic I want to write about. Maybe I’ll start with short stories on this blog. Whoever reads this please give me some insight. I’m begging you.