The Couch Slouch: Patriots' party ripe for crashing

By NORMAN CHAD, SPECIAL TO THE P-I

Published 10:00 pm, Sunday, October 7, 2007

The New England Patriots are 5-0 and, according to everyone from Boston sports punks to national sports pundits, headed toward a historic unbeaten season. Indeed, the Patriots are playing superbly. Then again, I recall Paul Tsongas looking pretty sharp early on in the 1992 Democratic presidential season.

Anyway, the media masses have declared this race over.

(Yes, Couch Slouch is perturbed. I'm tired of talking heads telling us how great teams are when they're winning and how lousy they are when they're losing. On TV, everyone's an expert after the fact -- if studio shows were around in biblical times, Sean Salisbury would've told us the next day that David had "the perfect game plan" to slay Goliath with a slingshot.)

Last week on "Monday Night Football," the other analyst -- not the former sportswriter -- said of the Patriots' success: "This is a single-minded organization. The objective is to win football games." Which, I guess, separates them from, say, the Colts and the Raiders and the Cowboys, whose objective is to bring peace to the Middle East.

Praising the Patriots nowadays includes the deification of Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Bill Belichick. I will allow this for Brady -- he keeps winning games and he exudes class on the field -- but I cannot allow this for the patchy Moss or the petulant Belichick.

(Team of Destiny Interlude: Yo, Matt Leinart -- like Brady, you're good-looking, you throw a nice pass and you have a child out of wedlock. The similarities end there. He has three Super Bowl rings, you've got a cocktail waitress' phone number. So stop whining about your new coach in Arizona trying to win games.)

In celebrating Moss, a "Monday Night Football" sideline reporter -- not the one Joe Namath tried to kiss -- told us that his teammates talked about how "smart" he is. Really?

He's certainly not "book-smart" -- when Moss attended Marshall University, I do not believe there were any books on campus his junior or senior years.

He's certainly not "street-smart" -- Moss has had a couple of brushes with the law, and each time the law won.

He's certainly not "game-smart" -- you never hear anyone say, "Randy's like having an extra coach on the field; well, that is, when he stays on the field."

As for the genius Belichick, no one can deny the greatness of winning three Super Bowls in a four-year stretch, but those genuflecting in front of his hoodie seem to forget that he was Norv Turner before he became Knute Rockne.

(Apparently Belichick did not have the players -- or technology -- to succeed in Cleveland. Apparently he didn't have the backbone to last more than 17 hours in New Jersey.)

Genius or not, Belichick's Patriots are not going 16-0. Heck, I can tell you right now that Indianapolis and Pittsburgh are better, that this coronation-in-progress is preposterous for a team that will be watching Super Bowl 42 from the sidelines, maybe at the home of Belichick, whom I'm sure has a fabulous video/entertainment center.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Is it safe to assume The Slouch was bent out of shape the moment instant replay became a baseball issue last week? (Tom Lauria; Milwaukee)

A. At this point of my life, I wake up bent out of shape, shower bent out of shape, and fall asleep watching Bowflex infomercials bent out of shape.