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Author
Topic: Empathy for a Gold digger? (Read 3240 times)

This is so totally off to be placed in this forum but oh well - flame me if you have to.

I travel very frequently. Monthly. I used to fly to a country and play around with this guy and this guy would invite guys everytime for us to play together (This sounds so wrong) - Happened for about a year. He is married to a Caucasian wife who comes to his country a couple of months a year.

I tested poz - notified him, he said he was negative - I went quiet avoided contact and 2 months later he claims he is positive. Claims I gave him HIV and as a result infected his wife. He has been barebacking for years.

Then a few months later, starts asking for money for his business failures, etc.

I give it to him. Now he asks me for money at random - to redeem his jewelry at a pawnstore, he's broke, for medication, etc. We haven't had sex since the time I was poz - he claims he's tired, etc. He has never paid for a meal, etc.

My friend's think I am insane and keep telling me I am feeding a gold digger - partly because I have a nagging feeling he may not even be poz?

Do I have a gold digger? I feel stupid because it seems so huh? I give him money because somehow I feel like I ruined his life by giving him HIV. I am not sure who gave who what?

I'm generally a soft person and give in easily. Sigh. Forgot to mention that he's a body builder and hung - and I give in easily to that too!

You don't know whether he is or is not positive and further, from the read of this, it is possible he may have infected you. Add to this, how do you know he's married at all? Have you corroborated anything about his other life?

Document whatever you can and cease communication. You may be a soft person, and there's nothing wrong with that. This is a good time to practice being hard in a non-sexual way as there is always someone who will pick up on your willingness to, as you write, "give in easily."

Nothing to add to emerald's post except to urge you to read it over and over and over.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I honestly thought I struck the jackpot when I first met this guy - I am not attractive, not muscular - and he's an Adonis- we always barebacked.

The first time he asked money was for his brother whom I met who was going to work overseas and needed some cash. I gave it - as I thought I was helping.

He never asked cash till after the HIV+ thing happened. Our relationship was basically - I fly in - we have fun - seeya, thanks for the fun.

Now, the timing for the money is always after or before a visit to his country. I have never met his wife - but I have done online research and seen the wedding photos.

Been to his house - The land on the property belongs to him - but the building is from his wife - apparently some Europeans middle aged lady fell for this Adonis - I don't blame them.

I ceased communication previously for approximately 8 months.

Then we communicated, he started being up topic of deliberately people who deserve it. Turned out he did.

Recently after meeting up with him, he showed me labs - not sure if it is faked, and claims the medication he is getting in his country is lousy - he is on Nevirapine, AZT and Lamivudine.

Whenever I bring up the issue of flying off to Thailand to help him - by paying for the ticket, seeing a doctor with him there - he refuses.

Deep down, I don't love the guy - It's just lust. Part of me feels like I am obliged to help him - if I gave him HIV, I can't leave someone like that to die.

I come from a well-developed country - whereas he's in a third world country.

I just sent him some cash a few weeks ago after he sent me pawn receipts of how is in dire needs - he sent me a text that he is thankful.

Weird thing - He has a Samsung Galaxy phone and 2 other phones whenever I am with him - when I asked him that he has better phone than me - he claims it is gifts from his wife. When I asked him about asking his wife for cash - he claims their relationship is complicated and the bank accounts are seperate.

Depending on how you look at it, you are being blackmailed/extorted, however insidiously, or you are paying for sex. If its the latter, and you think you are getting your money's worth, then it's between you, your personal moral code, and your bank account.

If its the former, you could be placing yourself in a vulnerable and possibly dangerous position. Your story sounds like the first two chapters of a mystery/thriller novel to me - and I believe you know which role you'd be likely to play in that.

I certainly hope that whatever happens, you safeguard your personal and financial well-being.

Logged

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I certainly hope that whatever happens, you safeguard your personal and financial well-being.

In our remarkable technological age, anything can be faked or altered. Anyone can pose as a brother. Any home might appear to belong to the person who takes you there. Both of you took risks knowingly. I second what Jonathan wrote. Safeguard yourself. I can bet money you are one on a long list of similarly willing women and men your Adonis has drawn in. Good looks can be intoxicating and many an empire's been built or ruined because of it. He knows what he's doing. Third-world country or not.

I have to agree with Em and JK, you are being used, this man is simply taking money from you because you are a soft touch and are willing to hand it over so easily, as Em said there's a good possibility that you are not they only one financing him.

In Thaialand, as far as I'm aware, Europeans are not allowed to own property/homes or businesses unless they have a Taiwanese partner, so his marriage of his sounds like a marriage of convenience, that lady (wife) knew what she was doing.

Stop making these payments, if he doesn't want you go and visit him surely that is enough evidence that it's not you he wants it's just your money, to stop and think about it, and stop sending him money.

Look after yourself, if you have made any direct debts to him via your bank ..stop them now, this is not going to end until you end it, there is no way he is going to get on a flight and come look for you, I believe that anyone with a known HIV status will not be granted a visa into India, but you would have to check up on that, I have a feeling any threats he may make are just that, threats,

I hope you listen to the advise you have been given and stop feeling guilty, if he is in fact HIV+ they he has to share the blame, it takes two.

Thailand has the highest adult HIV prevalence in the South East Asia region, so as Em stated it's quite possible he infected you.

Hi Jan -- I think the OP meant in this statement "Whenever I bring up the issue of flying off to Thailand to help him - by paying for the ticket, seeing a doctor with him there - he refuses" that he's offered to take him to Thailand for care -- not that Adonis lives there and he's offering to visit. Thailand has a nice reputation for good care at affordable costs these days. I may have it wrong, but I think that's what he meant. Em

Do I have a gold digger?I give him money because somehow I feel like I ruined his life by giving him HIV. I am not sure who gave who what?

Probably he's a gold digger.

You can't know who gave whom HIV. You can't really know if he's HIV+ without getting quite involved with him again. But the whole relationship has gone off the rails and it just sounds like a heap of bad energy, lies, and mutual manipulation and using... Well sorry, that's just my opinion.

Find a new hung dude who is more straightforward and can deal with you being HIV+. Maybe you could even fall in love.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I totally get the feeling of guilt and trying to fix something you can't. But from what you're saying, there might be a really great chance that he made you poz. It's a tough thing. Who made who a vampire ( I know, I've been watching to many movies ). Ultimately it doesn't matter.

In my last relationship, we broke up after I found out he was cheating like crazy. We never used a condom. Never, not once, and I found out later, how promiscuous he was, yet I was in love.

He never once took care of himself and he just constantly blamed me for infecting him. It's one of the hardest things I had to deal with on a constant basis. I even tried to get him to see my doctor, he wouldn't budge. I tried to get him help. He wouldn't go for it.

We can't fix other people, we can only fix ourselves. There's not much we can do if someone doesn't want help. Yet in your case, it seems like he's using his status and yours to take advantage of you. It's screwed up and for you to properly heal you need to be in a relationship that supports you, not takes you apart.

I'm still working on finding that. It's small baby steps. But health needs to come first and being on aiding someone like this, does not help you with your health.

Hi Jan -- I think the OP meant in this statement "Whenever I bring up the issue of flying off to Thailand to help him - by paying for the ticket, seeing a doctor with him there - he refuses" that he's offered to take him to Thailand for care -- not that Adonis lives there and he's offering to visit. Thailand has a nice reputation for good care at affordable costs these days. I may have it wrong, but I think that's what he meant. Em

I believe that anyone with a known HIV status will not be granted a visa into India, but you would have to check up on that, I have a feeling any threats he may make are just that, threats,

Jan, India does not place any restrictions on HIV+ people entering the country for travel and work. I know several who have come here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To Indian, I agree with what JK and Em have stated above.

Bottom line: 1. You don't know what the truth is. 2. This guy is obviously exploiting your vulnerability; and that is wrong. Period.

I understand you keep flying all over the place but where is your permanent home? In South East Asia or in India? Even if you passed HIV to him, which it seems he's got you thinking though there's nothing to prove it (nor his own status), you are in no way to blame for it. You discharged your responsibility when you disclosed your test results to him.

I think you've done enough already. So like Em said, cut contact with him, whether or not you make future visits to Thailand.

Edited to add: Sorry I mistook where this guy is. OK so he lives in a third world country and you are offering to take him to Thailand for treatment, is it- but he's refused.

This does seem like something from a movie. If he was barebacking with you, he was probably barebacking with others. He may have infected you. And, it wouldn't matter. You don't owe him anything, and he wouldn't owe you anything. You both took the risk of having unprotected sex.

I wonder how many others he's guilting into sending him cash. If he's telling the truth, then you've already helped him out, when you didn't have to. You were being an extremely nice friend. How long could you continue to do this? If you have the means and want to help a friend out, then that's up to you. But, it really sounds like he's taking advantage of your kind soul.

Thanks for the replies - I have been stressed at work thinking about this issue for weeks.

Actually, to be honest, sometimes it feels unreal. But my weakness, even in work or in any social situation has always been guilt. It would have been easier if it was some escort - fuck and dump thing. But in this case, sigh.

Hmm - what all of you are saying is something that my only friend has been telling me and deep down I know. Yeah, the guy's from Indonesia - Indonesia isn't exactly the best place for medication and treatment. I've visited hospitals there and ARTs and it's rationed sometimes. He has used the "I'm running out of medicine, please help me" guilt trip before. My instinct is to purchase them and ship them over. Stupidest part so far - he has been telling me his medications are full of side effects - I was contemplating buying him better ones then it struck me - He'll be more dependent on me.

I've visited hospitals there and ARTs and it's rationed sometimes. He has used the "I'm running out of medicine, please help me" guilt trip before.

From the way I see it, it's becoming too messy and you need to cut and run.

Here is a link to a global NGO, AIDS Healthcare Foundation- http://www.aidshealth.org/asia/india. I know they provide modern free ARVs in some cities in North India. Indonesia isn't listed as one of the Asian countries where they have a branch but no harm checking with them if they have liaison offices or other contacts there.

Really, at this point, you NEED to cut and run. Do not tell him you are doing this, do not have a "final" interaction ( in person, by phone, or by email), just STOP. He knows, I believe, that guilt is his "weapon" and if his bankroll is threatened, he will turn the guilt on high.Change your phone number, change your email and do NOT EVER look back.I am not sure how mental health care is viewed in your country, but you should consider therapy to help you get over this guilt and to develop a better self image. You are worthy of a real relationship - but you need to first like yourself. Clearly, you knew something was not right with this setup, else you would not have started this thread.

Earlier on, I was going to suggest this, but so many of us have our email enmeshed in bank accounts and security systems, etc. --same thing with phone numbers, I thought better of it. But, blocking calls and re-routing to spam (promising yourself not to look at the pleas) are ways to protect yourself.

Jan, India does not place any restrictions on HIV+ people entering the country for travel and work. I know several who have come here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks Space I wasn't 100% sure about that, that's why I asked him to check, but I still don't think the guy will get on a plane and come looking for him.

The consensus seems to be cut and run, I would listen to that advise if I were you.

Hmm - I feel sad today - I guess it's a culmination of reflecting on my life - from being paid in my teens by older men and ironically, the reverse now happening, dealing with an illness I've nursed but never thought I would get it.

Hmm - I feel sad today - I guess it's a culmination of reflecting on my life - from being paid in my teens by older men and ironically, the reverse now happening, dealing with an illness I've nursed but never thought I would get it.

I suppose I need therapy. Thanks everyone for your posts. God bless

Hey IG,

Hopefully, you are feeling some relief having shared this with us, gotten feedback and encouragement to take care of yourself. Unless Adonis is a teen, and by description he is not, I see two different situations. BUT the common denominator does appear to be a willingness to be taken advantage of.

However, remember that when you're a teen the brain is under construction, decisionmaking is not well-mapped and money talks! Heck, money talks when one is an adult.

Not sure I understand -- "illness I've nursed" is this something you perceive as a mental illness or are you referring to HIV -- it reads a little unclear.

Reflecting can be a great thing, just make sure to come up for air often and longer than reflecting.

Em - What I meant by dealing with an illness I've nursed - I work as a psych nurse - worked in a HIV wing for a couple of months - so that's what I meant.

Unfortunately, I don't have the best of support when it comes to HIV or advice when it comes to where I am based in my country - homophobia, being judged, gossip, etc - glad to have this forum as a resource.

Em - What I meant by dealing with an illness I've nursed - I work as a psych nurse - worked in a HIV wing for a couple of months - so that's what I meant.

Unfortunately, I don't have the best of support when it comes to HIV or advice when it comes to where I am based in my country - homophobia, being judged, gossip, etc - glad to have this forum as a resource.

Peace.

Ahh--thanks for the clarification. This forum is a good resource for so much and so many. Glad you found it.