Tag Archives: teen

Let’s see, where did we leave off? I watched the Halloween episode in a bar, so my memory is fuzzy. AH! I remember, last episode was kinda just like whatever, except for Hanna’s heaving titties, those were exceptional. Basically it was just an excuse to plug the new not as good show, Ravenswood. Later, Caleb! There was a huge bombshell at the end of the episode that Alison’s is alive! Also, Ezra might be A! That makes him even hotter if you ask me.

God, lots of stuff happened. Anyway so Alison isn’t dead! Who is buried in her place? That is what the girls are trying to figure out. Hanna has some theories and actually gets a gold star this episode. She actually steps up and gets shit done! She does get some points knocked off for pronouncing the word gazebo, gayz-bow, and for wearing really terrible pants during her crinkled cry face break up scene with Caleb, but overall, she was aces. She actually did a google search for girls who may have disappeared near Rosewood around the time Alison “died”. She found a girl named Sara Harvey that vanished who was JUST LIKE ALI! Complete with a set of friends just like our Pretty Little Liars. Hanna sets up a meeting with a couple of the girls and the casting people get kudos for finding actresses that are just THAT much less good looking than the main actresses to really highlight their ridiculous beauty.

Pretty, but not AS pretty.

All right. I am already behind, as the new episode aired yesterday and I haven’t even watched it yet! I instead watched Now and Then with my lady friends, ate adult chocolate pudding soup, and talked about butt sex. Don’t worry! I will watch it today, and the recap will be out by the end of the week. RELAX EVERYONE! Anyway, since I am so behind, I will just highlight some important points instead of a full recap.

I love how bitchy Spencer is. She was outright incredulous that Hanna had theories about what happened with Ali, and I like it! She looked really lovely this episode. Bitch face really works for her.

What is the world is going on with Toby’s (Blackberry Mouth) hair? I mean I get what he’s going for, but dude you are not pulling it off. You look like Pat Sajak, in a bad way.

Nope.

For some reason, Emily told Paige that her and Ali had kissed and Paige got all butthurt about it. Good. I don’t like Paige. I hope she is A and ends up falling off a cliff or something dramatic like that.

Ezra and Aria kissed! He wants another chance after she graduates from high school. LIKE I HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE. Is he A? What is in that weird trap door thing in his friend’s house? What is going on with Aria’s wardrobe? Who wears this many ruffles to school? Alls I know is I hope Jake is out of the picture, because he was the most boring boyfriend in the history of television.

This episode had so many sighs, and most of them came from Spencer’s dad, Mr. Hastings. Do grown men sigh that much in real life?

During the episode ABC Family had different hashtags they wanted the public to use during the episode. We created our own, #PLLSIGHS due to all the above mentioned sighing, and during a scene with Mona and Ezra, in which Mona really unsubtly hinted that she knows he is leading a double life, the hashtag was #MonaKnows. Best tweet of the night:

Sigh, Hanna’s pants, Hanna’s pants, Hanna’s pants. I talked about them earlier, but here is a picture. Is this the last thing you want your boyfriend to see before he has to go deal with supernatural shit in another town? No. The answer is no.

It’s no wonder that Caleb was crying all over his steering wheel.

And that’s all for episode 14! I am sorry this week was a cop out. See y’all soon with a full recap of episode 15. Thanks to Wetpaint for the gif!

I have been watching Pretty Little Liars for the entirety of its existence and have even re-watched seasons because I love it so. Those girls are just so damn pretty, and SO SO dumb, that I cannot resist it. But I have been reluctant to cover it here because it is a really complicated show, and I have little to no stick-to-itiveness, as evidenced by my lapse in The Carrie Diaries coverage. (It just got too earnest for me! I will bring it back I promise!) Recently, due to the creation of the Pretty Little Drinkers (my friends and I watching PLL in a bar), I have had a change of heart. I will now start doing drunken recaps of PLL for your reading pleasure. They will not be overly detailed and may focus a lot on the girls’ sartorial choices, but IT’S BETTER THAN NOTHING, RIGHT? Episode 1 of Season 4 coming soon!

Hey y’all! Thanks for submitting to our MORTIFYING MARCH contest. We had a great response and one horrifying story that was deemed the winner by myself and Letty. The winner will receive a mystery box, and when I actually put it together I’ll post a pic on our Facebook page. Anyway, here we go. We even submitted our own stories because we’re fearless. The winner is posted last, because it’s the best.

A says:

I went on a couple dates with this guy and we decided to seal the deal, so I grabbed a condom. This guy was abnormally small in stature but so am I, so I figured it might work. I pulled down his boxers and I felt like I was about to change a baby’s diaper. IT was so small. I gave him a chance though, and we started to do it. We went to change positions and his dick just came out of the condom and the condom just stayed inside me. He blamed it on me being too small to handle him, then asked me out again the next day like nothing happened!

Another A, who is a brave sort, sent us a picture with her submission!

When I was in 7th grade for whatever reason these platform type shoes were in style. I think it was a 70s revival flashback style courtesy of D*Lite or something (groove IS in the heart). So I was chubby and awkward and I was so lucky to wear a size 6 shoe. Anyone who knows about shoe stores knows they typically use size 6 as the display size– so I found this bitchin’ pair of white platform shoes and took them from the display and proudly put them on my feet– that is, until my top heavy-ness toppled me to the ground. I not only fell– right there in the middle of Bakker shoes, but I also took two whole display cases with me. Imagine my horror when I looked up from the shoetastrophe to see 3 of the most popular girls in school standing there, mouths agape.

I ran out of that store faster than you’d ever seen me run anywhere. This is why I still refuse to wear high heels. 😦

The dream of the 90s is alive in this picture

Here’s Kolleen’s story:

It’s hard for me to think of an embarrassing story because I’m pretty perfect in every way. But once, back in 2000, I was hanging out with a really good friend of mine and I was trying to act as though I had a lot of movie knowledge (he’s a big movie guy). So he suggested we watch Sling Blade which I had never seen. Now you have to think that in 2000 Billy Bob Thornton was married to Angelina Jolie and they were both very heroin chic at the time.

So we watched Sling Blade and when the movie ended I turned to my friend and said, “I thought Billy Bob Thornton was in this movie.” And he looked at me like I was the biggest idiot. Because, if you don’t k now, BILLY BOB THORNTON IS IN LITERALLY EVERY SCENE OF THE MOVIE. He was just fatter back then. Oh god, I never lived it down. It embarrasses me to this day.

I reckon you’re not very bright

Here is Letty’s tale of woe:

Guh, I have so many embarrassing stories, because I am a beautiful, beautiful fuck up, but this is one of my favorites. When I was junior in high school, I was painfully in love with this soccer player named Ryan. I was a trainer, so that meant that I went to all the soccer games, and wrapped ankles and gave water when needed and shit. I used to love watching Ryan play, he was so dreamy, and looked like a stallion when he ran up and down the field. I would have cut off my left tit just to hold his hand. So I did what any reasonable 16 year old girl would do, I resorted to magic.

I bought the Little Book of Love Spells and I was convinced that I could charm this popular senior, stud of a boy into falling in love with me. I waited until the moon was right, and performed my spell. To complete the spell, I had to give the object of my affection a shell to symbolize my womanhood or something. It took me FOREVER to find a shell in my house, even though we went to the beach all the time. But I finally found a tiny white shell and I was ready for him to fall in love.

The next day after soccer practice I nervously approached him in the training room while he was icing his knee. He was a captive audience! I gave him my best braces filled smiled and told him how great I thought he’d been doing on the field and some other sad, awkward ramblings that I have blocked from my memory. He seem unimpressed. Then I told him that I had a little something for him for good luck and I placed the shell in his hand. With barely even a glance, he chunked the shell as hard as he possibly could across the room. I stood there with my mouth hanging open for a second before I screeched, “Why did you do that, it was a shell!” He said, “Oh, I thought it was a piece of chewed gum.” Needless to say, we didn’t make a love connection as I was too embarrassed to ever talk to him again. But that’s okay, I looked him up on Facebook recently and he is totally fat now.

And now… THE WINNER of our MORTIFYING MARCH CONTEST!

L says:

I used to be a dancer at a fully nude strip club. Classy, I know. It is my firm belief that if most strip club patrons spent a minute behind the scenes in the dressing room, they’d never be able to be aroused by a stripper again. All sorts of decidedly non-demure things happen there: girls squatting down to carefully trim their tampon strings, sharing gross stories (“I was giving this guy a private dance and I had to fart SO bad … eventually I just had to pull this move where I got up and twirled away, then blasted one in the opposite direction and hoped he couldn’t smell it.”), bending over and spreading ‘em in front of a mirror to make sure nothing undesirable is clinging to their lady bits … it can get pretty ugly.

Anyway, one day I was dancing on stage and these two guys kept giggling and whispering to each other. I was annoyed, but managed to ignore them. One can only expect so much maturity in an establishment where women flash their hoo-hahs for crinkled dollar bills. After I got off stage, it occurred to me: I had forgotten to do my mirror-check. Holding my breath, I positioned my back to the mirror, bent over and looked back. Sure enough I discovered that, while I had been rolling around on stage, seductively stretching my legs apart and giving my best “come hither” stare, there had been (glowing brightly beneath the black lights) a thin shred of toilet paper pasted to my vag.

And there you have it folks! Thank you L for your horrifying story. Thank you all for submitting! We really appreciate all of our readers! Look for pictures of our awesome prize box on our Facebook page. We will be having more contests as the year goes on. Stay tuned for some long overdue updates!

There is still time to enter our Mortifying March contest and win a Thirtysometeen prize box! What’s in the prize box? That’s a surprise, but know it will be filled to the brim with awesome on top of awesome. Here are some more ~*embarrassing*~ stories to make your whole body cringe!

S writes:

When I was in 8th grade we had this whole Middle School Graduation thing and our class president was in charge of making a video to show at our “senior assembly”. (I don’t know why we were so proud to be “graduating” from 8th to 9th grade, but we were). The class president happened to be a Hottie that I had a huge mega crush on. I was a super tomboy, played basketball, hadn’t quite figured out washing/styling my hair, but I still had a keen eye for the Hot Stuff when I saw it.

In any case, I was in the library doing something totally lame and nerdy when said Hottie approached me with a video camera to ask me questions for the video. GASP! He wanted to talk to ME about LIFE so I could be in HIS VIDEO! Obviously this was a huge step in our relationship. He asked me some basics – favorite class, favorite teacher – and then he asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I have NO idea why I said it. I must have seen one too many episodes of Law and Order that year. But I said “I want to be a Forensic Pathologist”. IT GETS BETTER. He then asked what exactly that was and I said “It means you get to cut up dad people”.

YUP. I said that. To Hottie.

He politely finished our interview and I proceeded to my voice lesson where I cried (and I’m pretty sure that was the day my voice teacher told me my feet smelled; the very definition of being kicked while down). The best part? My statement made it into the final video. Not the “cutting up dead people” part, but the slightly more normal “forensic pathologist” part which was followed by a clip from Men In Black. SO THAT WAS GREAT.

R writes to us:

I was 13 years old and my friend Shannon and I were in a karate class. We were the only girls in the class with about 15 other boys. Well, as you know, the uniforms are white and wel,l I had a unwelcome visitor during class. My friend leaned over to me and whispered to look in the mirror next time I did a kick. Yep you guessed it, I started my period. Everyone in the room had already seen it, I ran off the mat and into the bathroom, calling my mom, begging her to come get me. I was mortified, now I can look back and laugh, but it was most embarrassing.

There are still 5 days left in our Mortifying March contest! But we thought we’d post some of our entries* to get the ball rolling. The winner will be announced on the 31st and will receive a grab- bag (well, box) of cool shiz!

B write to us:

I was in love with this boy forever (TWO YEARS) but we had never even kissed. One time I told myself I was going to be really cool and 20 and drink with him. I was at the time a total lightweight so naturally I could handle 1 bottle of wine and half a case of steel reserve.

We are hanging out on his futon and he goes up to get to the bathroom. I am convinced this is the moment my life is about to change! Finally years of waiting for the love of my life have paid off!! I imagine our wedding, our children, our future.

Then I throw up on his bed.

Racked with guilt over how our children will now never be born I cover up the vomit with a blanket. I sit there until I realize this isn’t gonna work and then begin to cry. He comes out to see me in tears and I babble out that I have ruined our lives and everything and then reveal the gift I have left in his bed. He takes me home and we obv still haven’t made out.

~THE ARISTOCRATS~

J says:

As a preteen I moved to Plymouth for a school year. This was back when we actually cared to dress up the first day of school, and being a new student I had “the outfit” planned: a short black skirt, tights, a white tee & a jean jacket. Gotta love the 90s. I got off the bus and head to my new school where I knew not one person. I walked with a presence of “hey I’m here, a city girl with my cool clothes”, walked into the main doors, noticed the other kids looking to see “who’s the new stylish girl”. I got a wee bit lost finding my homeroom, and walked in after most of the other kids got there. I noticed other girls looking over with a stare of “is she really” and the boys having big smiles on their faces. So my “swag” only got hotter.

I sat down and looked around, feeling very confident. That’s when the teacher waved me up and sent me to the nurses office, kind of walking close behind me, very unsettling. Having my confidence taking a blow & wondering “what the hell do I need at the nurses office, maybe some sort of checkup for being new” I entered the nurses office and she had a large moving box in her hand labeled “lost and found”. I was seriously confused. The nurse then said, “Go ahead sweetheart, have your pick, there’s bound to be something in your size”. I asked, highly confused, “What am I looking for? I love my new school outfit”, doing a small twist of my foot, and looking myself over. I was mortified as I looked down at where my cute black skirt SHOULD BE. It wasn’t there!!!

I burst into a huge cry-fest, ran into the bathroom and locked the door. After about 10 minutes of crying and having the nurse calm me down, I opened the door, walked to the moving box very confused and upset. I had started the day with an amazing outfit on!!

I picked a pair of jeans, I walked back into the bathroom, locked the door behind me, took my jean jacket off, and went to pull my white shirt up. There was my skirt!! It rose up into my shirt while riding the bus and I hadn’t noticed!!

I can’t remember how the rest of the day went, but my name for that one long school year was Granny, for “granny panties”.

Thanks ladies! We feel your pain.

Remember it’s not too late to be part of the contest. Email your stories to thirtysometeen@gmail.com! Stay tuned for more stories as this week continues, as well as some reviews, we promise!

We decided to spice things up around here. It’s still March, right? We still have 20 days left, right? Well, we want your super embarrassing stories. We debuted our new feature, Ohmigah, a little while back, but for the sake of alliteration we would like you to send us your most mortifying stories for the month of March (can you tell I went to a writing convention this week?).

At the end of the month Letty and I will review all submissions and select a winner. Then we’ll send that winner a cool gift box filled with goodies! Maybe you’ll win a lizard necklace, or pages ripped out of a vintage issue of Sassy (yeah right, we would never do that).

So, send your stories/ pictures/ repressed memories to us at thirtysometeen@gmail.com OR post them on our Facebook wall. Whatever. Just get them to us somehow, we’ll showcase them, AND you’ll have a chance to win something.

We’ll have some reviews up later this week, so stick around for that, too!

Kolleen: Hey guys! Guess what? We got movie passes as a belated Christmas gift so my husband, our friend and I went to a double feature last night. I insisted on Warm Bodiesfor research purposes (and because I wanted to pretend I was on a date even though our friend was with us). I thought it was ADORBZ. ADORBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Also we were the oldest people in the theater (at 31, 32 and 33). I swear the entire audience was in 8th grade.

Look at this thing of beauty. He is a joy forever.

While the pace is pretty slow until the end and you may groan by realizing Hoult’s character is named “R” and Theresa Palmer is named “Julie” and they may be playing off of Romeo and Juliet a bit (I didn’t read the book, so I can’t say if this is explored more– if you’ve read the book please let us know how it was!), you will at the least be mildly entertained and at most think it was a lovely blend of ~romance~ and horror. There’s a good supporting cast (Rob Corddry, John Malkovich, and Analeigh Tipton, who I am ashamed to say was recognized by MY HUSBAND as being an America’s Next Top Model finalist) and it’s just cute and clever as hell, man. It’s better than Twilight, anyway. Go see it.

Further reading since I am too lazy to actually write a real review: here you can read about Nicholas Hoult AND about how Skins was a good jumping off point for its actors. And you can see a picture of Hoult looking suspiciously like Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Also, here you can read an actual review of the movie from our friend (and one of my biffles) Brian’s website, Horror Movie a Day, which is closing up shop in April. Check him out if you like horror stuff.

Warm Bodies did well this weekend so if you don’t get a chance to see it tomorrow, go see it this week or next weekend! Remember to let us know what you thought! Stay tuned this week for more Degrassi and Skins recaps. If you have a suggestion for us, please let us know!

(PS The second movie we saw was the new Stallone flick. It was WRITTEN by an 8th grader, I believe. Zzzzz.)