The Rear Guard (1976) Movie Script

Much has been written about those gallant soldiers of world war II who met and defeated the enemy. But there were those who stayed behind to defend our shores. They were the men of the civil defence, to whom this show is dedicated. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Who were you talking to, general Eisenhower? You're close. My wife. Raskin, sign that radio off, and go out and call the men to attention, will you? Why don't you call them to attention, Rosatti, you're already buttoned up. Because I'm the commanding officer. So, are your lips painted on? Raskin, you are the sergeant, I am the captain. To the civilian defence, you're a captain. But to a captain, are you a captain? Raskin, you're out of uniform. In the garment district, this is the uniform. Attention! Alright men, dress it up, dress it up. Shoulders back, come on, come on, look smart. Look smart? How do you look smart in this uniform? Again you're starting with the uniforms, Crawford? Raskin, I'm a professional actor. I'm used to being dressed in the proper wardrobe. These uniforms are from the wrong war. So? You're a professional actor. Act like it's the right war. I ain't ashamed of these khakis. In World War I, I marched all across France in this uniform. Don't you think it's time you had it cleaned? Alright, now look men. The army ain't got enough uniforms go around for the real soldiers. So we're just going to have to make do. I think someone already made do on Kirby's uniform. Now as you men know, father Fitzgerald is doing his part for the war effort by allowing us to use this hall in the church. Except on Fridays when they play bingo. So I don't want anybody throwing cigar butts down the john. Even if you're catholic. - Oh captain Rosatti? - Marsha? You guys are supposed to be at attention. Snap snap. Shoulders back! Not you, Marsha, don't make it any worse! - Mr Wagner, the new volunteer is here. - Ah good, send him in. Now you guys look sharp for the new man, he's a war veteran. Bert Wagner reporting for duty, sir. That's by you a war veteran? This uniform looks like it's from the Spanish American war. He's two wars behind. I rode up San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt. Charge! Oh Mr Rosatti, you're wanted on the phone, Frank Sanicola from the fishing pier, he says it's urgent. Oh thanks Marsha. Raskin, take over. Alright, Wagner, standard formation with the other men. Can I sit down for a minute? I walked all the way up here from the bus stop. - The bus stops right in front of the church. - That's right. - Rosatti speaking. - Rosatti, this is Frank Sanicola, down at the harbor. - Yeah, Frank. Hey look! Now we've just come back from a fishing trip and we've picked up a German U-boat captain and five members of his crew. - No! - Yeah! Their submarine was sunk, and they were drifting in a rubber dinghy. Alright Sanicola, keep them covered, I'll be down to get them. - Right. - And save me two pounds of flounder. - Hello Wood. The battle of the Marne. - Hey, men, men. Frank Sanicola's fishing boat just picked up a German U-boat crew. - What! - Yeah. And we're going down to the harbor to get them. - You mean really? - Hold it! Hold it, hold it. Why us? Why not the army? We'll call the army later. They're 85 miles away. We are the only ones who can handle those nazis. I'm, I'm not supposed to handle nazis. I'm, I'm a 4-F. We are operating as a fighting unit, we are fighting men. One of your fighting men is taking his nap. Alright you guys, line up outside. Crawford, Henderson, while we're gone, I want you to put detonators in all the handgrenades. - Yes sir. - Rosatti, you're out of your mind. What's the problem, there's only six of them Germans, there's twelve of us, we got them outnumbered two to one. Can we get better odds? - Charge! - Charge! Well, I'd better be leaving now. Marsha, if you're going out with another man, I'm going to throw myself on this hand grenade. Don, I told you, I'm on the night shift at the aircraft plant this week. Gee, that's terrific. Are there a lot of women working at your air craft plant? I'm the only woman on the night shift. - She keeps the morale up. - I try to. But last month, there was a 50% rise in accidents, and nobody knows the reason why. I can give you two reasons. Well, I'd better get going. So long. Keep 'em flying! Bobby, bring that box of detonators over here. This box is dummy detonators, for training purposes only. Bobby, this outfit isn't trained to handle live hand grenades. But we've all seen war pictures! Gary Cooper just pulls the pin out with his teeth, and throws it. Bobby, nobody in this unit has his own teeth. We'd be throwing grenades with dentures. Captain Rosatti said to... Look, kid! I don't want to the first 4-F to win the purple heart. Left, right, left, right, left, right... Left, right, left, right, left, right... Platoon, halt. At ease men. Not you, you Nazis! They can take their hands down, Raskin. I knew an Italian would be soft on the Germans. I was born in Bayonne, New Jersey. I ain't no Italian, I'm an American. You can take the boy out of olive oil, but you can't take the olive oil out of the boy. Krupinski, go get the machine gun, set it up on that stage so you got a clear sweep of this entire hall. - Right, sir. - Foster, go get a stepladder. - Right, sir. - Wagner. - Charge! - Never mind. Raskin, I want you to get all these prisoners in a tight group in the middle of the hall. Achtung! Mach schnell! Mach schnell! Wow, real Germans! Just like in the movies! That one looks like Erich von Stroheim. Did you put detonators in the hand grenades? I can honestly say, sir, that all the grenades now have detonators in them. All right, because the army's going to pick these guys up in a few minutes and I want to have maximum security! Captain... Captain... If you want maximum security, why don't you cut the buttons off their pants. What for? They can't run very far with their pants down around their ankles. You wouldn't dare do anything of the sort. The Geneva Convention clearly states that prisoners of war will not be put into degrading positions. One more word, and I'll put this in a degrading position. And don't threaten me, you silly old fool, und call me 'sir'. - Charge! Why, you... - That's all right, Wagner. You get back in the middle of the hall, and you speak when you're spoken to. I'm warning you too, Captain. Foster, bring that ladder over here, Henderson, get up there with your gun so you've got a clear sweep of the entire hall. - But Captain Rosatti... - I gotta go call Colonel Walsh. Captain Rosatti? Mr Raskin? You know I'm afraid of heights. - This is war, kid. But I brought a note from my mother. "I brought a note from my mother..." Get up the ladder! Yes sir, yes sir, we got 'em all right here. You and your group are holding German prisoners? Now look, Rosatti, don't do anything foolish. Just stay right there. Colonel, could you speak up a little bit? I can't hear you with all that thunder. Listen carefully, Rosatti. The bridge is washed out, and I won't be able to send my men over 'til tomorrow morning. You mean, you want us to keep the prisoners all night? Yeah, give them a blanket each, bed them down and give them something to eat. But, but, sir we're in a church. All we can do is scrape up a few wafers. Send out for some sandwiches. Oh, yes, sir. Should I put them all on one, or is that separate cheques? The army will reimburse you, Rosatti. Goodbye. The first captured Germans on American soil, and they wind up with those Civilian Defence yoyos on Long Island. I really think you ought to cut the buttons off their pants. That's what Teddy would do. - Yeah, yeah, OK Wagner. I gotta talk to these prisoners. Prisoners, attention! I gotta say they're pretty well-disciplined. That's not discipline. They're just a country full of robots led by a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin! I'm making a note of your insults, Sergeant. Your name will go on the list, and when we win the war, you will be brought to account. You can put down whatever you want, but you're not going to win this war. - Oh, yes we are... - Oh no, you're not... - Oh yes we are... - Oh no you're not... # Adolf Hitler is a jerk, # He's nothing but a Nazi # He thinks that he will win the war... # He's not so hotsy totsy... Your name will also go on the list. What is it? - Don't tell him, Henderson. - Henderson. Thank you, Captain. You know what you can do with your list. Captain Rosatti, I was trying to keep you off, but you asked for it. Rosatti. Is that two 'T's or one 'T'? - Two 'T's. Mr Raskin, can I tell the German Captain I was only joking? - Get up there! - Come down here! See? You think you got trouble? Henderson. We gotta get some sandwiches for the prisoners. Go over to my cousin Mario's restaurant. Hold it. You can't feed them from your cousin Mario's restaurant. I ate there last week. - So? Under the Geneva Convention you cannot give the prisoners cruel and inhuman punishment. Why don't I go to Greenblatt's kosher delicatessen on the corner? For the Germans? The kosher deli will be fine. All right, get six salami sandwiches. I would like corned beef. - All right. One corned beef... - Lean. - ...and five salami. - Just a minute. Make that three corned beef, two salamis and a tongue sandwich. Hold the mustard on the corned beef. - Henderson! Go back to the original order: Six salami sandwiches. On white bread, with mayonnaise. The hell with the Geneva Convention. - Captain Rosatti? - Yes, Wagner. May I leave the room? You've already gone four times in the last hour. Not bad for a man of 70. I want you to stick to your post. See what I mean, father? I told you, you can't keep prisoners in a church. Let Father Fitzgerald decide that. I am the custodian of this church, and I say throw the blockheads out. And they can take their prisoners right along with them. Now, Mr. Muldoon... You shouldn't have been permitted to use this hall in the first place. Mr. Muldoon, we've all got to do our part for the war effort. What's the matter with him? - I feel sick. It must have been the kosher salami. Anybody would get sick eating kosher salami in a church. - Stay away from that prisoner. - You can't just leave him lying there. I don't trust him, Father. Henderson, you look sharp. You, keep him covered. Krupinski, watch him like a hawk. Crawford, over here. Raskin, draw your side arm. I'm going in. Yeah, this whole thing looks pretty fishy to me. Oh, what are you afraid of, he's unarmed. Yeah well, he seems to be breathing pretty good! All right, nobody move! Nehmt das Machine Gun her! You'll never get this! That troublemaker Muldoon. It's all his fault. He got us into this. It won't be long now, they're bound to crack. We're holding all the trump cards. Hold your fire, men. All right, c'mon on out. Are they ready to surrender, Father? Well, I've got a message from the Captain. He wants you to take him and his men back to the fishing boat, so they can make a rendezvous with another U-boat. He's out of his mind. If you don't agree to his terms, he's going to blow Mr Muldoon's head off. It's the first good news we've had all day. We must be charitable, Mr Raskin. But if they get back to Germany, they'll get another U-boat, and start sinking our ships again. The kid's right. It's Muldoon's life against thousands. Boy, that's a tough decision to make. Yeah. But I say, let bygones be bygones, and we'll send flowers to his funeral. Well, Mr Rosatti? Tell him I need some time to think about it. I'll tell him. - Well? - He's thinking it over. Thinking it over? I give him until dawn. Father, what do you think my chances are? I'll light a candle for you. Rosatti, Ro- Rosatti, it's morning already. If we could only get that gun away from him. Wait a minute. What are we worried about? If this group is marching through town with a bunch of German prisoners, it's going to attract some attention. Somebody is bound to call the army. - Gee, that's brilliant, Mr Crawford. - Of course. Okay, that's worth taking a chance. Okay in there, you Germans, we're ready to listen to your terms. Even if they get on the boat, the coastguard will stop them before they clear the harbour. I'm glad you have come to your senses, Captain. Nimm das Machine Gun und hau sie scharf. Drop your rifles. Captain Rosatti, you will put your men into formation. All right men, line up. Wagner! You won't get away with this. We're bound to attract attention marching through town without our rifles. No one will interfere because you will be escorting us with empty rifles. You've thought of everything, haven't you? I certainly have. Take off your jacket und unbutton your belt. - Now wait a minute... - Do as I say. I have taken the liberty of borrowing one of your hand grenades, which you were kind enough to already have primed. That's right, I primed them all myself. What are you going to do? What are you going to do with that hand grenade? - I am going to put it down his pants. - Oh no! You will march in front of me. One false move, und I pull the string. What a way to go. Captain Rosatti, you are our leader. Put the grenade in my pants. Thanks, Wagner. Thank you. You see the kind of man this country produces? Ja. Stupid ones. Raus! You think you are so smart. You'll be picked up by the United States Coastguard before you clear the harbour. He's right. You'll never get away. I think we will, because all of your men will be on the boat with us. We shall leave behind the priest and dumkopf to tell them. Your Navy will not fire on its own people. Put on the belt. You, freckle face, open the door. Captain Rosatti, I present you back with your own empty gun. And when we get to Germany you will all be my prisoners... And then we shall examine the list. Captain Rosatti, Captain Rosatti, what are we going to do? Colonel Walsh is coming. - Your game is up. - You will bluff your way through. - No he won't. - Please, Raskin, he'll pull the string! Forward, march! And bluff, two, three, four... I'll pray for you boys... ...as soon as I get my hands untied. Hut, two, three, four, hut, two, three, four, hut, two, three, four... - Rosatti? - Platoon, halt! - Where are you taking the prisoners? - Well, you see, Colonel... Captain Rosatti thought it would be a good idea to give them some exercise. You see, they've been cooped up in a submarine for weeks. I just stopped by to tell you the escort for the prisoners is on the way. Forward... march. - Rosatti. - Halt! I'm surprised at you. You're usually spit and polish. You've got a big piece of string hanging down your back. - Where? - Here! Rosatti's got a grenade in his pants. - Somebody help me get it out! - I'm going in. Save yourself, Raskin! - May I have your gun, Colonel? - What is going on? I'll explain later. All right, you Nazi Germans. Get up over in one group here. Raus. Mach schnell, mach schnell! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE! It should have gone off by now. I thought you said you primed those grenades. I did sir, with dummies. Why can't you ever obey orders? Just lucky, I guess. - Raskin? - Yes? Take your hand out of my pants. Hey Crawford, when you finish with your comb, give it to Marsha, she can grease the typewriter with it. Captain Rosatti, here's an enveloppe marked urgent, from colonel Walsh. I'll bet is a commendation. Read it, Raskin. Yeah, I hope the colonel didn't single me out. The whole unit deserves a medal. What does the colonel say? It says: The German U-boat captain has one request. He wants to know the name of the kosher deli. # You don't have to worry at all # If you hear a siren, just give them a goodluck call # So don't you have no fear # The rear, the rear, the rear guard's over here. # Some of them don't even know the right foot from the left. # They're too young, or just too old, or just 4-F. # You don't have to worry at all # If you hear a siren, just give them a goodluck call # So don't you have no fear # The rear, the rear, the rear guard's over here.