Saturday, March 31, 2012

Filed by F Russell GrummanITITY 2012 Campaign Field ReporterAfter the latest primary results, the possibility of Newt Gingrich regaining his status as conservative frontrunner seemed even more remote than his imaginary lunar colony, but recent events involving his rivals have not only resurrected the former speaker’s crusade, they’ve completely turned the republican campaign on its inanely hollow head.Mitt Romney’s attempt to pander to the canine coalition by riding atop his campaign bus shouting “see, it’s not so bad” abruptly ended when he became entangled in a low hanging power line, causing even his well heeled cohorts to admit he didn’t have the same appeal with his perfect hair standing straight on end.Rick Santorum was heard to say “Just ask Rick Perry, the third one’s always the hardest” before being interrupted by his astonished congregation, and while the strange details of his attempted self crucifixion are still emerging, pundits have already agreed he has conclusively proven himself to be the extreme Catholic candidate.Ron Paul’s sudden disappearance before a small gathering of dedicated followers has the internet conspiracy theorist community already speculating on possible explanations including a killer drone strike, alien abduction, and maybe just wandered off and got a little lost like old people sometimes do.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Richmond VAState legislators have proposed a new law that, if passed, is expected by some to initiate an immediate appeals process and possible intervention from the ACLU.

The proposition, backed by less than half of the respondents in a recent poll, would require all men to undergo a colonoscopy prior to the purchase of any Tom Clancy novel as an incentive against the potential mental and emotional trauma inflicted by its reading.

This controversial bill has received an enormous negative reaction from state men’s rights organizations dedicated to advocating gender equality and literacy, likening the medical procedure to “state-sanctioned rape,” while proponents argue that they “only want men to weigh the gravity of what would be a potentially damaging and certainly life-altering decision,” and to “not make the choice lightly.”

Opponents to the prospective legislation have already asked for the option to have the colonoscopy instead described by the physician, seen as a more moderate alternative to being forced to either view the procedure or pay for the book on tape.