Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Eight Strangest Popsicle Flavors

Some years ago I decided I wanted to paint for a while. Many of my friends are visual artists, and no one reads poetry. So I bought some canvases and acrylic paints at the art supply store, and I sat there trying to decide what it was I was even capable of painting. I settled on coming up with a series of Popsicles. The worst, most revolting flavors I could think of, then I tried to create colors that would represent those terrible fluids. I eventually painted 8 different canvases, and called the Poopsicles. I'm not going to put the original titles on those here because most of them were too disgusting for a mixed audience. I can probably get away with saying this first one was originally titled "Tim Russert's Thrombosis," and I thought that was pretty funny, until I had emergency heart surgery and now deal with the very real everyday threat of internal bleeding or blood clots.

1) Tim Russert's Thrombosis

2) John Holmes

There was more to the title of this Poopsicle, but I'm not going to say it here

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3) Jenna Jameson

The title of this was what Jenna Jameson did in an audition before she became famous.

4) The Turd That Killed Elvis

Elvis died on the throne.

5) Vic Tayback's Toe Jam

Unlike most of the others, Vic Tayback's Toe Jam was the original title of this painting. I probably even tried to look up toe jam on the internet. What I did learn seemed more interesting. I learned early in the Zodiac Killer investigation, actor Vic Tayback was considered one of the leading suspects.

6) Oprah Winfrey's Vajayjay

I spent the most time on this one, pushing around small piles of acrylic paint to create the walls and folds of a woman's vagina. Charts and graphs were consulted. I took this seriously.

7) Garbage Dumpster Juice

I had to drive back to the apartment to take a picture of the last two Poopsicle Popsicles. This was the first one I painted. The juice at the bottom of a garbage dumpster in an alley behind four restaurants after Saturday night seemed like one of the most disgusting things I could think of.

8) Jesse Garon Presley

I hated this even as I was painting it. The twin Popsicle sort of lent itself to this concept, but in concept and execution I dislike this piece. I need to do a couple more Poopsicles to replace the two I don't think are all that interesting.