"Totally coup, yo."

So I had originally thought of calling this regular column This Week In Fucked Up Religious Shit, but a few problems came to mind. For one thing, there are lots of non-religious infuriating, hilarious, or otherwise crazy shit I would have to ignore: psychics, alternative medicine, fringe politics, conspiracy theories, North Korea, and a lot more. Also, I’d eventually collide with the problem of trying to delineate between what does and does not qualify as a religion, which can be tricky at times. I’d rather leave that problem to the IRS.

Anyway, I’m going to try to regularly write about some of the craziest shit that happens throughout the week. When I’m feeling more patient, I’ll try to actually explain how people’s thinking has gone wrong and how we can actually know that, but there will be plenty of mockery too. Sometimes that’s the most appropriate response.

If you thought religious trolls in America were bad you can take some comfort in that you don’t live in Nigeria, where actual witch hunts are still taking place. I don’t mean some kind of Arthur Miller metaphor for an irrational hysterical atmosphere of false confessions prompted by accusations based on conjecture and hearsay; I mean the HEY LOOK DELMAR THERE’S A WITCH LET’S DONE KILL IT kind of witch hunt.

The good news is that even Houston, Texas doesn’t have a local expert in witch hunting. The bad news is that they’re flying one in to preach at them about the final solution to the witchcraft problem. Her name’s Helen Ukpabio and she’s a “Lady Apostle” at the Liberty Gospel Church. She’s going to be doing something called a “Marathon Deliverance” for 12 days in March.

The poster advertising her visit is lots of fun. For instance, if you have any of the following conditions, please consult your local witch hunter for exorcism and deliverance:

Having bad dreams

Financial impotency and difficulties

Unsuccessful life with disappointments

Possessed by mermaid spirit and other evil spirits

So whether you’re poor or sometimes disappointed, or you’re possessed by those pesky mermaid spirits (and who isn’t these days?), Ukpabio can help you “receive freedom from the Lord.”

It’s just too bad she’s incapable of offering her victims freedom from herself. See, the witch hunting problem in Nigeria has gotten so bad that some extremely brave humanists have been organizing efforts to educate people on how we know that people like Ukpabio are dangerous and evil and wrong. Stepping Stones Nigeria has been the victim of attacks from Ukpabio’s Liberty Gospel Church, when members invaded their seminars, beating people up and stealing things.

And true to religious troll form, Ukpabio had the mermaid balls to actually sue SSN for depriving her church of the right to believe in witchcraft. The good news is that Ukpabio apparently believes that when people are presented with the facts about the witch hunting craze, they can’t go on believing in it. The bad news is that that’s just not true, case in point being the fact that she’s preaching the same nonsense here in America in 2011.

Imagine how much cognitive dissonance you’d have to ignore to run an organization devoted to stopping a particular religion (i.e. paganism, animism, or whatever they mean by witchcraft) and then turn around and sue someone else on the false grounds that they’re doing the same thing, which you really are doing.

Hopefully there will be some organized protests against this hateful lying bitch in Houston, so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, check out this video she made about How Witchcraft Works. I could only watch a minute or so at a time without pacing around like an inmate in a psych ward that’s running low on medication, so you know, be warned.

Besides the Twilight Zone marathon, the best thing about New Year’s is how the “psychic” industry clings to the change in calendars in order to make a bunch of predictions for the next 12 months. The problem in writing about this is that these people usually do this on their own websites, which of course they can alter or delete when their predictions fail.

So the good folks at Something Awful are archiving a few of the predictions from one outlet in particular: Everyone’s favorite late-night radio talk show for truckers on massive amounts of amphetamines, Coast to Coast AM. Besides keeping a reliable archive to fact-check when it comes time for next year’s fake psychic circlejerk, it’s a nice case study in how psychics give the superficial appearance of having supernatural powers. Also, they’re pretty funny. For example:

Major earthquake in central/northern California in May.

Fuzzy language is a good way to cover your bases if you’re pretending to have magical powers. What makes an earthquake “major?” It’s not clearly defined anywhere. Of course there is seismic activity all the time all over California. So all you have to do to call this prediction a hit is take all the seismic data, find the day with the most activity during May, and call that a “major” earthquake. Other predictions use a similar approach by referring to “a plane between life and death,” “a major find of buried treasure,” “More tornadoes than usual,” “bad weather,” and a “very large object.”

Some predictions are just mundane and probable, if only because they’re based on things which are already happening. The economy will slowly improve, you say? Wow, what a risky prediction! Even if we all get hit with the coming global super-collapse of all civilization in six months, whoever predicted the economy slowly getting better can still claim accuracy since the economy slowly got better for a few months.

And then some of these predictions contradict each other. Also, they’ll never fucking happen:

Hillary Clinton will win the election over Obama.

Donald Trump will win the election as a third party nominee.

Obama… will cancel the election in November.

Bigfoot will be elected to the presidency.

And some are just incoherent and goofy:

Ron Paul will win the Republican nomination, but it will end up that drag queen RuPaul won through some accident in the vote count.

End of days will become disco nights. Blondie will write the sequel to the Rapture. The three wise men will be some three wise guys.

One domestic and one natural, with one being unnatural, will change the outcome of the election.

Finding a whole new species of human beings.

The Earth will supernova because of nitrogen and helium in the core of the Earth, not molten iron like everyone thinks it is.

Remember back when Charlie Sheen was a thing and he was bitching and whining about how he only bought hookers because he didn’t know what to do with all his money? Junk science enthusiast and Fox propagandist Steve Milloy doesn’t have that problem. Miloy’s even more passionate about his bad ideas than Charlie Sheen is, so he’s willing to throw money at anyone stupid enough to repeat his nonsense in public.

There’s a screening of a documentary on climate change this Monday, January 9. Milloy wants to pay someone $500 to ask a question for him at the panel afterwards, because he’s way too much of a coward to do it himself. And even though he hasn’t seen the documentary, he knows his question won’t be covered in it. The problem for him is that it won’t be covered in the documentary because his question is stupid:

How long will it take for the 3 x 1023 drops of water in the Himalayan glaciers to disappear?

What prompts his stupid question is that the press release of the documentary mentions that the Himalayan glaciers are “disappearing.” Well obviously there will be no problem with that at all until EVERY SINGLE DROP of the glaciers has already melted. So there! Checkmate, scientists!

In America, far right-wing militia types talk about the government staging false flag operations while calling into Alex Jones’ ham radio show under a pseudonym like “One-Eyed Leroy.” In India, the far right-wing militia types actually do the false flag operations themselves.

Sri Ram Sena is this horrible group of Hindu Nationalists in India. In a lot of ways they’re not too different from Christian Nationalists. I first wrote about them about a y ear ago when they were making the news for attacking women at pubs and threatening to attack unmarried couples celebrating Valentine’s Day in public. They also threatened to kidnap and forcibly marry them as punishment. And they raided their political opponents headquarters.

Along with physically attacking love wherever they see it, they also have a bug up their ass about Muslims. Especially those Muslims in Pakistan. See, there’s a bit of ugly history between the two countries, and some still haven’t let go of the old hostilities. So yada yada yada, now they both have nuclear weapons aimed at each other.

But even mutually assured destruction isn’t bad enough for some people, and that’s where the Sri Ram Sena enters the picture. They were alarmed at how many people don’t seem to care too much about hating Pakistanis anymore, so they hatched this plan to raise the flag of Pakistan over government buildings in India. Police say their goal was to create “communal disharmony” in the area because there is a large Muslim population there.

So people saw the flag, probably assumed it was either a mean-spirited prank or even a sign of an actual invasion of some sort, and threw rocks at their local Muslim prayer hall.

You would think that a really devoted Hindu Nationalist would buy into their own propaganda enough to not think that this kind of shit were necessary. If there really were another India-Pakistan war looming and only Hindu Nationalism could save India, why would anyone need to dishonestly provoke hatred in that way? The whole basis of their worldview is that these fights are ones people really care about and the conflict they dream about really is inevitable.

But that’s the problem with faith. It’s just not good enough of a reason to believe something, and even the most die-hard proponents of it recognize that. Deep down, they have the same doubts as the skeptics. They know the gods / God isn’t really going to smite their enemies, so they’re going to have to do it themselves. And that’s what’s really scary.

So when’s this loathsome list coming out? I’ve heard from people on the Internets that it’s pretty cool.

PinkoJones

The loathsome list is usually pretty cool. But it is also usually late. So it goes.

bobbyb

so,when IS it coming out?? cant wait. as usual.

this article was good, btw.

Once a Naive Parent

Alright if you must address crackpottery, I beg you to investigate all the bs about alternative treatments to adhd. People are making fortunes with marketed “adhd diet” and same goes for parents of kids with aspergers, bipolar, etc. Not to say a healthy diet isn’t important, but people are marketing diets and then parents try them, they don’t work and they feel like failers for turning to medication when diets and you name it alternative treatment fails. It doesn’t take a genius to know sugar makes kids wild and protein burns slower which keeps a kid less hungry and more focused. But then when people are eliminating important nutritions and replacing them with suplements, that is going to far.

Please I beg of you, investigate the bs being marketed to parents like me, when it just comes down to common sense and if a child needs a medication that it’s only doing them a diservice if you don’t it. Not to say medication should replace disapline, because it shouldn’t. But again many of these “alternative therapies” leave disapline out. They stress getting the world to understand your child rather than teaching your child to have a thick skin and learn to adapt. And as a parent with a kid who has issues, i have every right to say too many parents pussy out when it comes to discipline. A kid with adhd and aspergers needs to know the world doesn’t start and end with them, just like any other child.

^Daily Beast is a different website. Someone needs to lern 2 research.

http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

@Once a Naive Parent – I think this column’s going to be prompted mostly by news stories, but I’m not against the idea of doing a separate story on that kind of quackery, with the right angle/hook/scoop. I’ve gone after Jenny McCarthy before, but I don’t think I really touched on how she was saying she “cured” her son of autism with a magical diet. That’s fucked up. If you have any more specific info or a good starting point, email me at bunting at buffalobeast dot com. In the meantime, you might enjoy reading Stephen Barrett on the Feingold diet..

Waldo

I always enjoy the writing on the Beast, which I faithfully follow, starting around the 1st of Jan. and continuing until you guys POST THE DAMN LIST!!, which shows up later with each passing year. I’m beginning to suspect there’s more to the delay than the routine procrastination of your pot-addled staff. It’s almost like you lazy frickin’ hippies want us Loathsome fans to visit every damn day. Yeah, lazy like a fox. I’m on to you.

admin

Dearest Waldo,
I realize people like this list, but we write other humorous and poignant articles throughout the year, you know. Perhaps you missed Murphy’s Walker prank, his run for Congress, his election-related pranks, the time he gave James O’Keefe $100 in “crack pipe money,” the time he posed as Michael Bay and got Newt Gingrich to sign on to Transformers 4, or any number of Bunting’s excellent science and skepticism posts? The loathsome list may be good and all (but seriously, lower your goddamn expectations!), but we’re more than just a pair of perky (loathsome) tits! OUR EYE ARE UP HERE, WALDO!

But, really, 2009 came out on Jan 29, last year it came out on Jan 19th, and this year it’ll be out by the 17th at the latest, so you’re wrong. We did want to get it done sooner, but Murphy’s been crippled with a pinched nerve in his back. He also had to go to Wisconsin to pump up people for the final leg of the Walker recall. So fucking chill, motherfucker. Damn.

Beast_Fan

@Waldo

Oooooh, so THAT’S where you’ve been hiding this whole time!

Waldo

Cool, dude. See ya on the 17th.

Once a Naive Parent

I have a good doctor who talked me out of buying the feingold diet and told me how to basically do it for free is just by elimating and see what helps. And without getting into my whole story, I will say there are foods that effect his behavior, just like any other kid, too much candy and junk causes problem. But my child didn’t eat that, so when we elimanted dairy, it didn’t help. Dyes, sort of made a difference, but again that’s any kid. Added fish oil, nothing.. I could go on and on. My child doesn’t drink pop and only drinks apple juice 100%, water and milk. So needless to say diet wasn’t our issue.

I didn’t go too overboard, but put yourself in that situation. When you are having any issue with your child you are going to have sleepless nights. Imagine it’s something you know will impact them for the rest of their lives like adhd, autism, biplolar, etc etc. You go through the same stages of grieving as you do in any other situation that is going to be a life long challenge. You are desperate and tired. You have people telling you nothing you do is good enough.

It’s a market and although there are helpful alternative therapies, as an occupational therapist puts it, if insurance won’t cover it and they don’t offer at school, it’s probably not going to work.

Jafkka

I’d actually like to hear more about Murphy’s work with the Recall Scott Walker effort.

Also, blah blah loathsome list blah blah…

http://acksisofevil.org/innerside.html ScooterKPFT

Houston resists lunatic Witch Hunter Ukpabio is in it’s sixth day of organizing, and on a roll. Not sure if it’s okay to post a link here but I guess I’ll find out… http://acksisofevil.org/339-2.html

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