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"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage."--Martin Luther

Saturday, 26 April 2014

Tips for Interacting With Your Friends Who Struggle With Infertility (Infertility Awareness Week)

Apparently it’s Infertility Awareness Week.I had no idea!I found this out from my dear friend over at
Mama Cravings, whose post you should check out, even though it might make you
weep. You’re
probably tired of my rantings about infertility, but I couldn’t resist taking
the opportunity this week of awareness affords to post something that’s been on my mind for a little
while. Let me first preface this with the fact that I am by no means an expert, I don't speak for everyone on this journey, and as I see how long some people have been on the infertility road, I know that I can't even imagine how much harder some people's situations have been, so please don't take my word as final.

The more I talk about infertility with people online and
off-line, the more I realize how hard it is.It’s hard for me, because I want them to understand my struggle and come
alongside me, and sometimes I’m disappointed.It’s also hard for them, because I know many people really want to
support their friends through infertility, but they don’t know how, or they
feel like they aren’t able to because they have children.I get it.I’ve realized recently that after being married 2.5 years (as of last Tuesday
– wheee!), I’m no longer able to fully relate to my single friends (the ones who want
to be married) they way I used to be.I
am always looking at my single years from the standpoint of having met “that
special someone”.I remember what it’s
like to be single and 28, but I don’t know what it’s like to be single in the
mid-thirties, and I’d imagine that’s a big difference.I feel like anything I say could come across as
trite, and that might hold me back from saying anything at all.But following that logic, we can’t comfort or
support anyone unless we’ve had that
exact experience, and I don’t think that’s the case.

There are lots of posts out there of advice on what to NOT say
to someone who’s fill-in-the-blank (adopting a child, has a multi-racial family,
going through infertility, experienced a miscarriage, etc.)Sometimes those are helpful, but sometimes
they leave people walking on eggshells.So what are some basic tips for relating to your friend who is going through
infertility?

Listen:Remember Job’s
friends that came to comfort him?At
first, “when they saw him from a distance, they could hardly
recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and
sprinkled dust on their heads.Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days
and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his
suffering was.” (Job 2:12-13) It
was when they opened their mouths that they got into trouble.A listening ear can convey so much more
support than your words can:“We
have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.” (Zeno of
Citium). Because I love quotations, here's another: Stephen R.
Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.” Don't do that. Just listen and be there.

Ask:Every person on
this journey has different needs.What I
like might not be helpful with someone else.Personally, I hate being told, “I know you’ll have a child one day”,
because really, you don’t know that, but maybe some people find this
comforting.One person might like being asked how
treatment is going, while another might want you not to bring it up.It sounds confusing, but don’t we all have
our own unique ways to respond to trials?Instead of trying to be a mind-reader and pouring over Google, why not
just ask, “Hey friend, how can I support you in this journey?”

Don’t give advice:While everyone is different, I have yet to meet anyone who enjoys
unsolicited advice, let alone about their most private matters.It’s especially hard when advice comes from
someone who has never actually experienced infertility first hand, notwithstanding the fact that said advice usually comes from Dr. Google.

Be sensitive:Remember
that you don’t know who is going through this, so assume that if you know
someone who is in a stable relationship and of child-bearing age, there’s a
chance they may be going through infertility, and be appropriately sensitive in
your interactions.Some estimates say
that one in five couples deal with infertility, so that means it is affecting a
lot more people than you’re aware of. Not only that, but there may be other very personal reasons why people aren't having children. This means that the most well-meaning question of “When will you have a baby?”
might be really really hard for someone, and you won’t know it until you ask.(Here’s a
great post by Jayme about why you might not want to ask when someone is having
kids.) I’m not saying you should recoil in terror from
ever asking about family plans, but it does mean you should use common sense
and consider the context: Consider
the context of your relationship.Are
you actually friends with this person?I
personally would welcome the opportunity to discuss this journey with people
who are close to me, but I don’t want to talk about it with the FedEx delivery
guy, or every staff member at my work, or my Chinese teacher (already
happened).If you would never dream of
telling me your own personal struggles, perhaps you shouldn’t ask a question
that could delve into mine.Consider
the geographical context of your conversation.Again, it’s a sensitive subject.How would you feel if I approached you at work in the middle of your
busy work day, and said, “Oh hey Bill, here are those photocopies you asked me
to grab, and by the way please tell me about your deepest unfulfilled personal
longing.”Awkward much?If you’re going to ask me a personal question
(about children certainly, but also about career satisfaction, my marriage, etc.), do
it someplace where we can sit down with mugs of coffee and I can open my heart
if I want to.This place should never,
ever, ever be the church lobby on a Sunday. When I attend church, I sit around other
peoples’ adorable babies for over an hour, and watch their sweet little ones
running around in their best clothes.Asking how I feel about my baby plans after church is like asking how I
feel about my abs after I just watched the Miss America pageant.I feel lacking.Thanks for rubbing that salt in my wounds.

Be the friends that have each other's back. Literally.

I don’t think we need a special vocabulary to talk to
friends dealing with infertility, any more than we need to know exactly the right
words to use with someone who has lost a parent or who is going through
unemployment.These statements convey
more than you can ever know:“I care
about you.I want the best for you.I will be there for you, no matter what.”

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About Me

I live in Toronto to be with my awesome husband "Gil". We married in late 2011 and since mid-2013 have been trying to add to our family. I love Jesus, as well as my crazy family, learning languages, chocolate, cereal (but not chocolate cereal), and good books. This is a blog about any and all of our experiences, including medical life, infertility, and of course, books.