How to Fake Like You Know About the Olympics

Anyone who hasn’t been on life support or Mars over the last month or so will know that the Olympics start today. Even for avowedly non sports-oriented types, the quadrennial two-week sporting fiesta is kinda hard to avoid, so we advise you to embrace it — if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and all that. And so, here’s our guide to faking your way through the Olympics, from why it’s perfectly OK to skip the opening ceremony to why cricket should totally be an Olympic sport.

The opening ceremony

Right, so, first off, there’s no need to pretend to be interested in this. It’s as boring as batshit, it goes on forever, and nothing happens for hours until the Olympic flame is finally lit in a new and inventive way. The only people who enjoy it are the athletes themselves, who are justifiably proud to be there, and people who like to congratulate themselves on being able to identify the flags of lesser-known African nations. For everyone else, the whole thing is kinda excruciating and can be skipped with a clear conscience.