..... of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively.....
Jeffrey R. Holland

Sunday, August 28, 2016

12 Phrases not to say

Don’t say this:

1. “It could be worse!”

Attempting to compare your friend’s situation
to someone who seems worse off is not a helpful strategy. Depression isn’t
based on life circumstance. It’s brain chemistry. Someone could be living what
you would consider to be the easiest, best life ever, but the surface
impression of someone’s life is not an indication of their internal
life/feelings. Comparing their life to others with more trying life
circumstances will only make your friend feel worse.

2. “You should count your blessings.”

What
might be a helpful strategy for you will not be helpful for someone living
under the weight of depression. Thinking of all of the good things in life will
not lift the cloud of depression from your friend. It will only heap guilt on
top of their already struggling demeanor.

3. “You’re just in a funk.”

Don’t
belittle your friends struggle. By claiming that is it just a passing “funk”
you are telling your friend that their feelings are not valid. Don’t dismiss
feelings that you do not understand.

4. “Have you tried…”

Someone
living with depression does not want to be feeling the pain that they are
feeling. They have tried everything they know how to try. You
suggestions only make your friend feel silly and frustrated. If you personally
don’t live with depression, you will never know the depth of the pain and the
helplessness that your friend feels. Suggestions from someone without
depression only serve to patronize and not support.

5. “I totally understand. I get depressed sometimes
too…”

If you
think you get “depressed” sometimes, then you do not understand what depression
is. Feeling sad or upset is not the same thing as being clinically depressed.
Trying to relate to your friend who is in a situation that you have never truly
been in will not help your friend feel loved and supported.

6. “You should focus on
exercising and healthy eating!”

You should not be making recommendations about
about how to cope with a serious mental illness if you’re not a professional.
Your friend does not need another “professional” opinion. They need a friend.
Physical health is related to mental heath, but chemical imbalances in the
brain causing depression cannot be cured by going on a jog and having a salad.

7. “But you don’t look
depressed!”

Depression isn’t a style. It doesn’t
necessarily affect the viewable surface of someone. People suffering from
depression come in all ages, races, genders, occupations and orientations. You
can’t assume you understand someones feelings by how they appear to feel. Even
if your friends looks healthy and seemingly happy, you should listen to them
talk about how they really feel and believe them.

8. “You can beat this.”

Depression isn’t the same as other physical
illnesses. You can “get over it” like a cold. Asserting that your friend could
“beat” their depression assumes that they’re in control of it. Phrases that
assume your friend has power over their mental illness also assumes that they
are responsible for how they feel.

9. “Why don’t you just do
more of what you enjoy?”

When someone is depressed the things that they
would normally enjoy are no longer enjoyable. That is one of the most brutal
parts of living with depression. The passions and interests your friend once
had have lost their color. Simply crafting, or going for walks isn’t going to
cure their mental illness.

10. “You should look on the
bright side.”

Saying this implies that you do not understand
the reality of depression. There is no bright side. Living with depression
means your friend is struggling to find the bright side.

11. “Don’t I make you happy?”

Your friends depression has nothing to do with
you. Don’t assume they no longer like you or want to hang out with you because
the chemistry of their brain has changed. You’ll only make your friend feel
guilty and desperate by making their pain all about yourself.

12. “Happiness is a choice!”

Not when you’re depressed. Reducing your
friends struggle to an easy choice to be or not to be happy is overly
simplistic and offensive. They aren’t choosing to feel the way they do and they
can’t just choose not to feel that way.