That Fleeting Moment

You know, once in a while I get this flash of desire to drink. It happened the other day when I was on a walk. It was a beautiful day about 70 degrees out. And this desire came over me. Not exceptionally strong, but it came. So, I let myself go into it and picture what I was missing. I could picture myself sitting on my balcony overlooking the Canyon that we live on. I could see the glass of ice cold Sauvignon Blanc or Sancerre on the arm of my chair. I recalled how the part I liked was when I first started to feel the wine and my mind would roam-drift. God! I spent who knows how many hours of my life doing that. And, to be honest, I could take myself great places. Come up with some really good ideas. Visualize past experiences and future goals. Drifting. But, as I went into it, I realized that that feeling of floating mindlessness was fake. Because while part of me was drifting, another part of me was constantly aware of how much wine was left in my glass. Aware of how much wine was left in the bottle. How much time it was taking me to drink it. Calculating the amount of time it was taking me to drink it and how much time was left in relation to the amount of wine in the bottle and the time I wanted to stretch it out. For instance, I would normally only buy one bottle at a time-guess why? Yep, that way I could control it! Yeah, right. But, if I had more than one bottle on hand, the chance was that I would open a second one. The other component was that I usually timed my drinking with prepping dinner and eating said meal. So, I would want to maybe have a glass left for my dinner-but would have gone through most of the bottle by the time the food was ready. Of course then things became more complicated as I had to be conscious of the the amount of time needed to prep the food and then the amount of time it actually needed to cook. Of course I was a pro at saying dinner was taking much longer than it actually was. Eeking it out so I could drink and keep to that schedule. Getting the right amount of “buzz”!

Jeez Louise! How complicated is all of that!?? What a lot of work that was! And, I wasn’t totally drifing and relaxed because another part of my brain was always aware of and calculating the amount of wine versus time. Oh how we deceive ourselves!!! Yes, I’ll admit, I did come up with some great ideas during that “drifting” time. And then, I’d be pleasantly sloshed. Then I’d be drunk. I’d try to remind myself that even after a glass-or a bottle- of wine was finished, the effects continued to grow. Of course that never stopped me from pouring more or opening that second bottle if I had it.

As I’m writing, I’m thinking about how at times, I would buy a big bottle. To save money..(she snickers)! But then I would think-“well, one bottle!” So that wasn’t good. Then I started thinking that maybe I should try some of these wines in a box. Some of them get really high ratings and they’re cheaper and last longer. As if that was ever an issue! The problem with that was that I never had any idea of how much I drank. And boy! Was that easy, just turing that spigot! So, I went back to a normal bottle of wine every night. Continuing to fool myself that I was in control. Fooling myself that it was helping me not only to relax but to create. So what if I didn’t remember the last episode from a series that we’d watched the night before? So what if I got grumpy in a restaurant because my SO was having half a glass of wine which would deprive me of my bottle? Not taking into consideration that I’d probably had a glass or two before we’d even left the house!

WELL! After mulling all of that over, I decided that I really didn’t miss that wine time. It took too much work under the guise of relaxing!

Learning to “relax” without the wine can be a challenge. To be honest, I’m not sure I really knew what relaxing was without wine! What I do know now is what it’s not-it’s not getting numbed out. It’s not getting blotto. It’s simply enjoying a moment or a period of time. It’s letting myself breathe. Letting myself “be”. And guess what? I can still be creative in that time! So, go ahead! Put your feet up for awhile. Let yourself “Be”!

As a chef, I was always a drink-in-the-kitchen type person. So like you, I meted out my wine at a food prep proportion that seemed to increase as time went on. It always got bigger, never smaller.

As for romanticizing the drink, you are right on. It wouldn’t be long before I am starting to wonder about the backup to the backup to the backup. Then wondering if I have a backup for that one. JUST IN CASE…ha ha. I can’t go back. It’s not in me. I have no need for it, even if I get those occasional whisper in my ear, but I dismiss them like second hand smoke in my face. I have had to learn to live a life without the booze – and it’s much better than what I dreamed of in trying to drink my way to happiness.

Yes! Thanks for your response! I had to laugh about the food prep time! While the meal itself never really changed, the time it took to prep it got longer and longer! A scrambled egg could take an hour and a half!!

My life was so much more difficult because I developed a wine allergy. I then had to mete out actual alcohol, which is trickier to judge and is much more available. I bought mini bottles so that I could limit myself to say, five drinks. But you could drink those really fast if you wanted, because you can alter the amount of mixer.
Do you see where I’m going with this? I thought about it nonstop. How much to drink, when to start, how much mixer. And then the whole judging the bartender, if we were out, to see if they poured ‘decent’ drinks, meaning that it had to pack a punch.
Thanks for helping me reminisce. I’m going to play it forward to the next morning — or 3 am, more likely. Dry throat, pounding head, weak knee-ed, fuzzy brained, and confused.
I believe that should keep me very sober today. ; )

Thank you for explaining that mental process so clearly. I also used to calculate the time and the amount. How exhausting so much mental effort to keep the ‘level’ of the drug going, that’s all it was just chasing the high. These days I relax by just sitting down after a hard day. That moment of everything is done for the day is awesome, you don’t need anything mind altering to help you relax. True relaxation is having no stress or worries in that moment.

About Me

I am a 60 plus year old (how is that even possible?!) woman who has had a dysfunctional (is there any other kind?) love affair with alcohol for many years. I am educated, well traveled, and ran a very stressful business for many years. Alcohol was with me every step of the way.
The bottle has now been emptied and I have taken the leap into sobriety.
This is my account of trying to come out from under the influence.
Please feel free to contact me at:
freefallingsober@gmail.com

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