China only allows each couple to have one child each. This is a gross violation of their human rights. Mankind has the unquestionable right to increase its population exponentially. Six billion people is nowhere near enough. Only the invisible magic friend can place limits on this, using appropriate controls such as war, disease and starvation on a colossal scale. That's why the Chinese are so afraid of Catholics. They saw how the mammoth economic and military resources of the Vatican single handedly crushed the Soviet Union (and it must've happened this way, for I remember it distinctly). They know that the Holy Roman Catholic and Apostolic church is pro-life. It will not stand by silently while countless billions of babies who have a perfect right to be conceived are brutally murdered by not being conceived. When will the Chinese support democracy and allow the Chinese people to freely follow the diktats of an unelected autocrat in Rome? We are all complicit in this by buying cheap Chinese MP3 players. Think of all the babies you are killing!

I've discovered the theatre. So it seems have many others. Theatre attendances are up, and not just at the West End shows, even the National Theatre is having to put on extra performances. Why is this I wonder? Could it be, that with 200+ TV channels, all showing reality TV repeats, we're having to seek out alternative sources of quality drama? No, it's because theatre is a spiritual experience. Good drama explores the human condition while creating tension between characters. That makes it spiritual. Over the years, those of us with an invisible magic friend have explained to you that music, poetry, art, architecture, philosophy, science and medicine are all spiritual, so it should come as no surprise that theatre is spiritual too. It is the human yearning for spirituality that makes us want to go to the theatre. If we're not attracting similar crowds to our congregations then it's just because we're not putting on a good enough show.

The brutal murder of Garry Newlove by a gang of drunken teenage yobs just goes to show what happens when you don't teach Christianity to young people. I'm not going to mention that things like that never happened when I was at school. We were all taught to be good by believing in the Invisible Magic Friend, and we never kicked anyone to death. QED I think!

As Baron Pentregarth, former bishop of Oxford, and honorary Professor of Theology at King’s College, London, let me just assure you that you can't be good without an IMF. OK, I'll admit that some people are a little bit good without an IMF, but in all cases you'll find that they were taught to be good by having Christian parents. If you haven't got an IMF then you're just going to let your brood run wild aren't you? I mean why would they do anything else? Several famous poets agree with me on this so it must be true.

If we don't start teaching my religion again very soon, then the entire next generation of youngsters is going to murder all us decent respectable grown ups. Young people are naturally evil. They will kill us all if we don't convince them that they'll go to hell unless they're nice to us.

The Turkish telecoms authority, acting under pressure from Turkish creationists, is blocking access to the main atheist website: Ateizm.org (Turkish Telecom have a monopoly on internet access). The owners of the site are afraid to challenge this in the courts. If they make their identities public then they fear the attentions of Islamic extremists.

Turkey is very sensitive to criticism over its record on free speech. If enough people cause enough of a stink, outside pressure could get this reversed. If any of you have your own blogs or any political contacts, could you please help spread the word.

And for any religious victims in the UK who like to whine about how they have to suffer in our secular land and times, THIS is what real persecution is like.

Oh dear, it's pouring with rain again. Some towns are getting flooded when they haven't even dried out after last summer's flood. The Invisible Magic Friend created the whole world and put us in charge of it, but we're not clever enough to make a weather control machine. What are we going to do?

We could dance around a totem pole asking the rain god to go away, but of course we're not going to do that, that's just silly superstition. We're much more sensible and rely on science. We pray to the magic Jesus to make the rain go away. Jesus is scientifically proven to work - he did it once before, the bible says so.

So, now that we've screwed up the planet's weather systems something awful, the sensible, scientific solution is: pray to the magic Jesus!

"Britain's too full of furriners, I'm off to Spain," said my cabby the other day. The Bishop of Rochester seems to agree with him. All over the country, there are areas where good Christian white people dare not go, for fear of being set upon by packs of ravenous muslims, although his bishopness couldn't pinpoint exactly where these places are.

But being Christian isn't a British thing. We are all Christians, even the non-whites. In fact, given the influx from Africa and the Caribbean, especially the non-whites. As a reverend doctor, let me just assure you that Christianity itself is an import from the middle-east, bringing with it a spirit of love, kindness and tolerance that had never been here before. Imagine what Britain must've been like before we all became so nice!

8,000 people are waiting (hic!) for organ donationsh. 1,000 people a year die without them. Should we shwitch from an opt-in (hic!) donor card based shystem, to an opt out syshtem where organ donor consent is ashsumed?

We Christians (hic!) think we should do thingsh which help our fellow man. Those of you who are not Christiansh can do this too, but you don't (hic!) have to. That's why I have to carry an organ (hic!) organ donor card, exshept I seem to have lost mine - I don't know how. Anyway, I've ordered a new one that will be here in five daysh, so I must be extra careful (hic!) until then. Just a teeny-weeny dinky little sherry this morning I think.

The Balfour Declaration was issued by a bunch of people keen to see biblical prophecies fulfilled with a Jewish return to Palestine. Many American Christians still want to create an Israeli state that includes the whole of Palestine, followed closely by Armageddon and the second coming of Christ. George Bush, who is barred by the constitution from a third term in office, has bravely stood up to all those right wing Christians who cannot vote for him, and said that Israel should stop expanding into the West Bank.

When dealing with complex situations, where different groups' rights must be balanced and justice sought for all, the place to begin is with the bible. What do the 2,000 year old prophecies really say? Who did the Invisible Magic Friend want to occupy Palestine? The fact that Israel already exists clearly indicates that this is the will of the IMF. In fact, this goes for all things that have already happened, so we can clearly infer that the existence of Custard Creams, alco-pops, MRSA and Coronation Street are also the will of the IMF.

Short-termism, where people think only about the short term, is rampant nowadays. It's all me, me, me, and now, now, now. Not like the great game of football, which always plans for the future. As a football fan, you can rest assured that I'm a normal, down to earth sort of bloke, just like all of you. The pope's a football fan too. After all, what could be more normal than 22 fit young men, with no women around, displaying their well developed muscular thighs and calves in a completely manly and non homo-erotic way.

The trouble with short-termism is that it isn't long-termism. We're all guilty of it. Which of us hasn't demanded that the ref be strung up by his dangly bits, in front of the 22 fit, healthy young men, for a particularly stupid decision. This is why faith is so important. You have to have faith that there is an afterlife where the ref will get what's coming to him and we all get to spend eternity with our favourite team of lusty, strapping young men (but with never a hint of anything kinky or pansy or anything like that).

Thank goodness for America. Americans invented enthusiasm and are still best at it, especially Barack Obama. Of course it would be inappropriate for me, a British lord on a privileged slot in the middle of the BBC's flagship news programme, to endorse any particular candidate for the United States presidency, but isn't he just marvellous? He's so young and energetic, full of the can-do spirit. I suppose Clinton's alright too.

Europeans on the other hand are all a bunch of cynics. They go on and on and on about global warming and the oncoming oil and food shortages. It's hard to imagine Sir Edmund Hilary giving up on Everest just because the world's heading for disaster. As Baron Pentregarth, former bishop of Oxford, and honorary Professor of Theology at King’s College, London, let me just assure you that it's because the Europeans have all lost their invisible magic friend that they've become such sneering pessimists (although I suppose they would call it "realism" ). You can't have hope without an IMF. Jesus makes an excellent IMF. St. Paul certainly thought so, so it must be true.

So stop being such a bunch of miserable party poopers. I'm off for another game of tennis wearing my super-dooper Barack Obama t-shirt.