An Open Letter To The Kid In The Background Of The Jessica Alba Pictures

You're a lucky son of a bitch. You'll never do anything as good in your life again as casually swim by Jessica Alba while she's wearing a bikini.

None of us will. That's the highest achievement of mankind.

You could do great things; cure cancer, win multiple academy awards, sell ten million records, become the president of Zimbabwe. But when you completed any of these achievements, the headline in the newspaper the next day would read "Boy Who Swam Next To Alba Did Good." And you're not gonna be mad when that happens. Because Jessica Alba is that friggn' hot.

You look about eight years old. Maybe younger. Now when I was eight, I wasn't really popping too many boners. I was mostly thinking about the Ninja Turtles. But I can see it in your face, kid. You've got a diving board down your pants. I'm sure you have no idea what to do with it, whatever. The point is, Alba's so hot she gave an eight year old wood. She's so hot she gives new born babies wood. Hell, she's so friggin' hot she gives chicks wood. So kid, don't be embarrassed. You're in good company.

Also, if you're ever strapped for cash, I've got an idea for you. Put the goggles you wore on eBay. List them as "Goggles Worn When I Saw Jessica Alba In A Bikini" and set the minimum bid at $10,000. And then watch them sell. For a million bucks. You're probably thinking, but wait, they didn't even touch Alba, who's gonna buy them?" Kid, ohhh kid. The same sun rays that were baking the sweet, supple perfection that is Jessica Alba's ass passed through those goggles. The same salt water that tingled in between Alba's nether parts touched those goggles. Trust me. They'll sell.

I'm sorry for you, however, because you're never gonna find another woman attractive again. You've seen the mold, the absolute pinnacle, and now every other chick you'll come across will look inferior. You're probably gonna turn gay...and that's only expected of you.

In conclusion kid, I salute you. You saw Jessica Alba swim by...and lived to fight another day. Alba in a bikini is like a modern day version of a medieval dragon...mythical, amazing...and dangerous as hell.