End Your Nagging Habit

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It's not even noon on a Sunday, and I've been biting my tongue all morning. When my husband sat down to Web surf two hours ago, I resisted the urge to remind him that he had promised to clean the basement. I held my tongue again when our 13-year-old trashed the kitchen while creating his "it's due tomorrow!" science project. And I even managed to stifle myself when my teenage daughter left a plate in the sink instead of reaching 18 inches farther to put it in the dishwasher.

I want to stop nagging, but with family members so resistant to constructive criticism, it's hard for me to shut up. Instead, I lash out at someone who can't talk back — the geriatric mutt snoring on the sofa. "For the millionth time," I order, "get down! No dogs on the couch!" She looks up and yawns.

I'm not the only woman who's guilty of repeating herself again and again (and again). A University of Florida study found that the culprits in two-thirds of family nagging episodes were women (who are also the ones most invested in keeping the house clean — coincidence?). To be fair, researchers noted that one reason women are labeled naggers is mere nomenclature — when men nag, we call it hounding; when kids do it, we say, "Stop pestering."

"To women, nagging feels like the most logical thing in the world," says Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., author of Divorce Busting. "We think, If some­one isn't doing what I asked, they must not have heard me. So we say it again. And then we say it louder."

Once we realize we're being ignored, we tend to take real offense, as if our kids and spouse are scheming to stick us with the laundry forever. When they finally do tackle a load, we're way past thanking them — we just get nasty, muttering remarks like, "Took you long enough!" And that kind of negative reinforcement rarely inspires better behavior.

So what does work? "Whether you're dealing with an earthworm or a Harvard grad, the science of learning is exactly the same," says Ken Ramirez, who has trained hundreds of unruly critters, from whales to workers, at Chicago's Shedd Aquar­ium. "As long as you always stay positive, you can change behavior." Here, Ramirez and other experts explain how to bring out the best in your family — without ever saying "Didn't I just tell you to…" again.

Take Action Right Away

Habits are easy to form and hard to break, so you need to address bad behavior immediately. "Whether it's a puppy scratching at the door or a kid who keeps interrupting, we tend to ignore the problem 99 times. Then, on the 100th occasion, we overreact," says Alexandra Powe Allred, author of Teaching Basic Obedience: Train the Owner, Train the Dog. "When you're on the phone, the first time a child interrupts, stop your conversation and tell him not to break in on you again. Don't ignore the kid for 20 minutes and then explode."

Set One Goal at a Time

Start small, advises animal trainer Karen Pryor, and applaud the many little steps toward any goal. Good Housekeeping Executive Editor Judy Coyne was grateful to her husband for frequently cooking dinner, but she wished he would learn to make some new dishes. So when he loved a chili-rubbed salmon that she prepared, she encouraged him: "You could make this." A week or so later, she left salmon in the refrigerator, rewrote the recipe by hand (with little explanations of the parts he might find confusing), and mixed the spices for him. It worked. The next time, she put the recipe and all the ingredients on the counter with measuring spoons. A week later, she just left out the recipe, and he did the rest. "He's gotten so confident that tonight, he's making a fish stew all by himself," she says.

Try This Sound Solution

Working with dogs and dolphins, Pryor developed a technique called clicker training, where she snaps a handheld clicker every time the animal does the right thing. It was such a success that Pryor taught the method to hundreds of coaches (athletes learn to link the distinctive noise with a specific improvement in their handstand or tennis serve). Some form of clicker training will work around the house too. "Whenever your husband or child does something right, make a certain noise," says Pryor. "Whatever sound you choose, be sure it spells 100 percent praise." To test this technique, I started making loud kissing noises whenever a family member so much as carried a dirty bowl from the TV room to the counter or even (gasp!) put it right into the dishwasher. My smooches were a success: Not only are more dishes getting done, I'm even getting kissed afterward.

Mono-Task

If you're in the middle of chopping tomatoes, scanning the newspaper, and talking to your sister when you ask your son to vacuum, he's not going to get the idea that his cooperation matters to you. "Make eye con­tact, clearly state your request, and then thank him when it's done," says Allred. "Halfhearted dog trainers only have semi-good dogs."

Communicate Clearly

"We often sugarcoat our requests, as if they require an apology," says Pryor. "We say things like, 'If it's not too much trouble, would you mind clearing your plate?' That kind of wording sends a mixed message, especially to kids. 'Please bring your plate to the kitchen' is much more effective. And avoid vague directives like, 'Straighten up the living room.' Be concrete: 'Take your toys and clothes out of the living room, and put them away in your closet.'"

Use Visuals

Weiner-Davis recalls one client who couldn't stand that her husband never closed his dresser drawers. "This woman had talked herself blue in the face about it. One day she stopped talking, and left a large note on top of the open drawer: 'Shut me. Your wife gets annoyed when I'm open.' Her husband laughed, shut the drawer, and finally began changing the habit." Visuals are especially effective with kids, says Jim Wiltens, author of Goal Express! The Five Secrets of Goal-Setting Success and an expert in child motivation. Rather than nag his son about remembering to take everything he needed to school each day, Wiltens and his wife put up a chart with pictures of a backpack, a trombone, and gym clothes. "That kind of checklist encourages my son to act on his own instead of just doing what we tell him," he says.

Quit Taking It Personally

Tanya Chartrand, Ph.D., a mom of two, was aggravated by her husband's superhuman ability to ignore all requests for housework help. But she couldn't help being impressed by his consistency. Since both Chartrand and her husband, Gavan Fitzsimons, Ph.D., are professors of marketing and psychology at Duke University, they decided to investigate the concept of "nag resistance."

They conducted a study with 135 students, asking each subject to name a pushy person who wanted them to work hard. Then the participants were instructed to solve anagrams on a computer; in some cases, the name of the nagger was flashed subliminally on the screen. The couple was surprised by what they discovered: The subliminal flashing caused people to do 25 percent worse than the control group — and those who faltered were com­pletely unconscious of what had thrown them off.

What's going on here? One interpretation is that people who are nag-resistant may be experiencing a control issue. Says Chartrand, "I think people like my husband perceive nagging as a threat to their autonomy." So when she needs help, she tries to make him feel like he's the decision maker. "I've learned that if I say, 'Could you stop for milk on the way home?' he's very likely to say, 'We don't need milk.' So instead, I start the conversation by saying, 'Do you think we might run out of milk soon?' If he says yes, then I ask, 'Will you stop and get it on the way home? Or shall I?'" With that kind of approach, he usually takes charge.

Switch Perspectives

Being micromanaged is demoralizing, even for a toddler. Think of what kind of message it sends to your husband, a fellow adult, when you ask him to load the dishwasher, then you go back and restack the cups and saucers. "Look at it from his point of view," says Ramirez. "Sitting and watching the game on TV is pure fun. Getting up to load the dishwasher is not fun. And if his only 'reward' is having you silently criticize his work, what's the payoff for him?"

Recruit Help

If all else fails, try calling for reinforcements. Catherine Lambson of Vienna, VA, figured out that her husband excelled at getting their three children — ages 7, 9, and 11 — to take care of chores around the house. "He's much better at the job because I'm all talk and no action," she admits. "He'll ask them to do something twice. And if they still don't do it, he'll announce, 'OK, I'm going to do your chore for you now,' and they know there will be a real consequence, like less TV time."

The best part about Lambson's approach, of course, is that it encourages people like me to do a little delegating. After all, being Command Central of the Domestic Universe isn't exactly a glamorous job — no pay, limited respect. In fact, I'm now planning a leave of absence: Next Sunday, I'm kicking the dog off the couch and taking a nap myself.