My girlfriend cheated and lied but she wants me back. I still love her. What do I do? I don’t know if I can trust her anymore.

I think what is more important is the intent of the cheating and the lying, not the cheating and the lying within itself. It makes perfect sense that you still love her in despite of that, love can grab onto you and take a long time to fade no matter what someone does to you. But does she love you, too? Or does she want you back because you are familiar, and safe, and she remembers that you love her and what that felt like? In other words: is the relationship worth something on its own, or are you both trying to live out what it once was?

I don’t think everyone who cheats or lies doesn’t love their partner anymore, so take some time to find a good place mentally with that. Some people have zero tolerance and that’s plenty fine but there are tons of salvageable relationships that go through this that come out OK on the other end.

I would suggest seeing a counselor both alone and together and work to the core of why she lied and cheated to begin with. Is it because she felt something was missing from the relationship? Is it because she fell out of love with you and didn’t want to admit it to herself? Is it because she fell in love with someone else? Is it because she was drunk and horny and had a moment of weakness, physically? Is it because the two of you don’t communicate well about wants, needs, and desires? Is it something else? The answer is rarely “My partner cheated on me because they’re a lying bitch and they don’t love me anymore” because most people are not so evil, particularly not to people that they care about. Things happen, and you have to decide if those things are representative of the relationship being over, or larger problems within the relationship itself.

Obviously there are communication problems at the very least. Everything else is up to your and your partner to work through. Whether you stay together, take some time apart, or work together on strengthening the relationship and repairing the damage done, make sure the decision is right for the both of you and truly a healthy decision. Don’t just make it work because the pain of being together sounds better than the pain of being alone.

If that trust can’t be rebuilt and those underlying problems can’t be examined, you’re probably going to find yourselves right back in the same situation all over again – or you’re both going to be unhappy.

Note: I know I said I was going to have time to answer the rest of the questions in my formspring, but I overestimated my free time. I know they’re there, I’m working on responses! If you really need a faster response please email me at suggestivetongue@gmail.com and I’ll respond via email. Thanks!

Hi there, could you recommend some books on the psychology of love and relationships? Or any good psychology reads? Thank you so much for your time. 🙂

Opening Up

Open

Mating in Captivity

Shameless

Just Marriage

Lust in Translation

The Brain That Changes Itself

Committed

The Ethical Slut

The Brain in Love

The Commitment

Sex at Dawn

Those are all the books I could think of that I’ve read that fit that umbrella. The two that probably best fit your question are The Brain in Love and Sex at Dawn. The Brain in Love attempts to look at love from a neuro standpoint by considering hormones and brain anatomy. This sort of thing is pretty big in the media lately because everyone wants to know how their brains compare and how knowing what your brain does and how it works can give you an up in love. It’s a fun read, but be careful to remember that it’s only one perspective in a huge umbrella of perspectives. A lot of this research is relatively new. Sex at Dawn comes more from the evolutionary psych standpoint looking at why we love the way we love and why we love who we love. It has a focus on non-monogamy and why we end up cheating or being cheated on, but the content of the book includes so much more.

The gay marriage bill has passed in Washington State and should be signed into law sometime next week, making Washington the seventh state to legalize gay marriage. Yeah, 7th. If I needed any reminder as to why I’m still writing about this, that’ll do it. Remember, there are 50 states. 7/50. This is not a passing grade, America. [source]

But theres no need for me to sit here and talk about how cool this is, lets refocus on someone who doesn’t think it’s cool. That’s where the energy should be directed. No sense in sitting in a circle high-fiving each other for being awesome when theres work to be done!

How about Rep Jay Rodne? He thinks that gay marriage “severs the cultural, historical and legal underpinnings of the institution of marriage.”

Let’s show him a nice thick book on marriage as it was an exchange of property, that’ll be fun. How about how homosexuality wasn’t even considered an identity as it is now until the early 19th century. People just called it man on man butt cuddling or knitting club or whatever the hell they did in the privacy of their own bedrooms, you know why? Because no one gave a shit if scissoring meant you were a lesbian, and then a dyke, and then incapable of love or whatever other presumptions we now place on what being gay “means.”

He goes on to say that “It contravenes human nature and it will hurt families and children.” Which… I don’t know, do these people like… think? Read? Have sense? Care? Contemplate? Have critical discourse about the state of humanity? Did anyone watch that episode of Doctor Who “The Girl in the Fireplace” where the clockwork androids walk around in people clothes? Can someone update these politicians to their 2012 settings? Maybe a good place to start would be focusing on the well being of all children, including those stuck in abusive “culturally acceptable and historically sound” families.

If you’ve been reading my blog for any span of time, you’ll know that I lovethe triangular theory of love. In Sex & The Family the other day, we learned about another important triangle. This triangle is more closely associated to what you’d call your sexual orientation.

Identity

Behavior

Feelings

At first glance it may be apparent to you that these things should match up. At least, that’s how I felt. My identity is related to both my behavior and my feelings, right? I mean – I am who I am, so what I think and feel must fit under that umbrella.

But how about a woman who identifies as straight, but likes women?

What about a gay man who is married and has sex with his wife?

In turn we found that the triangle may not have all equal sides. One may identify as a lesbian, or gay, or bi-sexual, but their behavior may not match what we would consider “appropriate” for this label. One might also have feelings that do not match up exactly with their behavior or their identity.

What I grabbed as most important from the lecture is that you cannot assume ones identity by what they do or how they feel. You can’t label someone as gay because they “act gay” because those are only our assumptions based on what we’ve been told someone who is gay is supposed to do. Certainly many people may identify with an orientation and their behavior/feelings shift more fluidly or easily than their identity does (an identity can be a difficult thing to alter) but that’s their decision, and ultimately they are the only one who can know.

I know it’s neither appropriate nor dishonest to say, but I enjoy a good challenge. In High School I spent a lot of time with the sad boys, adding my own secret ingredients to the mixing pot of their dispair. I was the hot pink band-aid I applied to their festering wounds that they ripped off, quite painfully so, every time they went home and cried in bed at night. And yet, not once, no never, did they let me know that all of their self-loathing really came from the lack of attention they got when they were happy.

There is a fine line between just sad enough that people want to fix you and so sad and pathetic that no one wants to be around you, and people find themselves walking into the walls of these mazes quite frequently as they look for the perfect spot of seduction. Tend to me for I am broken but I am so happy in my wandering.

They always wear dark colors and have hobbies that you read about in books but don’t really care about in real life, like programming or golf. Some of them talk about how they used to scuba dive in some former life you hardly relate to their current self.

Some people are left-overs of who they used to be, rotting away in a shell so easily compared to the cold and sticky outside of a refrigerator. Slam.

Nobody really cares.

Some people are used as tools by other people because they can’t see the line between sadness and actual need for human empathy. Everyone is sad. Sadness is unexceptional. The sky is grey and you’re lonely and drunk and you hate yourself and that’s great. Write a novel about it.

But the true need for human empathy often reaches that point where no one wants to be around you. Where they feel you sucking the life out of them, too, in that desperation to just feel someone else near you. And unknowing of these difference between “sad” and “desperate” or “nerdy” and “guy with nerdy glasses” we find ourselves trapped in boxes that no one told us if we walked into them we’d get stuck. Trapped.

Hitting walls now as you could care less about love, or connection, or seduction, but simply escape from your own personal hell that you’ve crafted the best way you knew how.

So these sad boys left one by one and I discounted them as careless of me, because how easily they could leave without a second glance backwards. I thought they needed me but really I needed them. To remind me that there were people out there much sadder and lonelier than I was. And of course, that to need and be needed back is only truly revolutionary is neither one of you ever really desires more than simply that.

Hooray, the list is here! Like the web-addict I am I actually had one of those anxiety dreams about this last night. You know where you dream about perfectly realistic situations and then you wake up and feel like it actually happened and repeat the same thing over and over until your alarm actually goes off? I spent quite a bit of time updating my Google Reader the other night only to come to the shameful realization that I only had one or two sex bloggers that I actually subscribed to. I guess sex blogs were on my mind (as if they aren’t always?) and so it took over my unconscious. Anyways, I made the list again! I’m so excited to be a part of such a wonderful group of writers. There are so many new people I have to check out now, and I suggest you do the same! A huge thank you to Rori, who is responsible for creating this list now for the third year in a row. What an incredible amount of work it must be to visit all of those blogs and pick favorites (closer to 200 were nominated) ! And, of course, thank you to everyone who nominated me and thought I was worth being on the list in the first place.

If you’re new to my blog feel free to look around and ask any questions you might have in my formspring. You can also email @ suggestivetongue at gmail dot com anytime you want for a chat. Looking forward to getting to know you!

I used to think there was a fine line between being clingy and being a good friend. Clingy would be wanting to talk to someone every day, all the time, and needing to hang out. Being a good friend would be talking every day, all the time, about everything, and really needing to hang out. Eventually I realized it was because I didn’t have enough of myself to give away, and all of a sudden everyone was so demanding.There was no fine line, it was all about caring who the people were and really wanting to know what they had to say and really wanting to tell them something back.

Nothing holds more true lately than this quote by William Gibson: Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

As it turns out, I didn’t want a lot of friends because all of my friends were assholes. If all you do is surround yourself with people who don’t understand you and people who give you a hard time… well, it’s a pretty great argument for solidarity. Then I realized that there were people out there (particularly after moving to Portland) who had purposes to life aside from making mine absolutely miserable. And it’s not like they were even trying to make it miserable, but their lack of interest in anything aside from themselves made me (and anyone else around them) feel small.

Re-learning what it means to be a friend is not any easy task. You lose your you-time, fast. Sometimes your needs come second. But there is nothing more satisfying, or gratifying, or special, than being important to somebody else. Especially when you can be absolutely who you are all of the time and be accepted just for being that.

A huge part of this process was accepting two things about myself. One, I’m strange. And that’s just okay. Two, I’m bi- and I’m positively obsessed with sexuality. And you can be both of these things and not a pervert. That whole “be who you are and not anyone else” mantra they teach you rings truer every year, but it can take a while to fall into yourself and figure out what that even means.

I suppose this isn’t the most thoughtful of posts, or even the most surprising, but I thought it was important regardless. Even just for myself. It is important to be there, to be present, to be involved, to care, and to try. And people are usually good if you give them a chance to be.

Oh, wait. The entire point of the post was to call out opportunist friends for being cunts. Be there always, be present, not just when it is readily convenient for you. Also: avoid the death trap of friendships fading when you’re in a relationship. Friendships are equally as important and can be maintained easily if you care enough to try.

I write about some fairly controversial issues sometimes, but more than that, I write about issues that people have true personal opinions on. How I feel about sex is purely how I feel about sex, even if you do agree with me. I don’t write to change your perspective, I write to broaden your perspective. Unfortunately, the nature of humanity is to feel a bit threatened when someone comes in and clashes with you. Your own personal morals and viewpoints might feel threatened. I’m sorry if I have ever made anyone feel this way.

What is even more interesting than this though is the fact that we tend to follow along with people who make us feel this way. I know that I personally follow many christian blogs, parenting blogs, weddings blogs, and even some severely republican blogs. I think this is because it is more interesting to read things that I disagree with than things I agree with. It’s nice to have those people around, but all you ever really do is bounce back the same ideas and have fun agreeing with each other. It’s empowering, and slightly egotistical.

I follow these blogs, and I have to watch myself. Because I’m in their world and all I want to do is reach into the internet and shake them back and forth. Have you read my blog? You should. Go read my blog. And read these books. And watch these documentaries. And do this and do that and I’m going to have everything you have to say and counter it with everything I have to say and seethe and wither in the background of your blog, hating life.

Not the point.

Every morning I read the news on various different websites because I think it’s good to get perspective. In the same way that I think it’s good to read various different blogs. But if you can’t do so without accepting that their reality is different than you’re reality, you’re going to hate yourself. You’re going to boil in disrespect. Read and consider what they have to say and understand why they think that way, but know that you can’t change it by force.

“Just as no one can be forced into belief, so no one can be forced into unbelief”

Freud might have been jacked up on cocaine, but he’s got some got some good stuff here and there.

And so will the people you think you’re fighting against.

So take a step back and consider the blogs you read, and the bloggers who write them. If it’s too difficult to read their blogs without raging, don’t read them. If you can read them and learn something new from them and be able to step back and evaluate their perspective, good on you.

A friend pointed out that most of my question and answer posts can be left simply at “communicate with your partner.” Its true. Its the one thing that they don’t teach you in school. How to talk to your partner (romantic) / how to pick up a partner, and how to talk about sex and sexuality with that partner. If you’re lucky enough to have communication or sexuality courses in high school and/or college you may be able to pick up bits and pieces of knowledge and use deductive reasoning to figure out the rest. If you’re like many people who never get exposed to this kind of education, you might be left off a bit behind.

Communication is important. And while I can give advice on what you should talk about or when you should talk about it I realize that it only goes so far. I cannot give you direct orders. I don’t know your partner. I don’t know your relationship. Most of the hard work has to be done between the two of you.

But there are a lot of pointers that can work given the appropriate context so I figured that I would do a brief communication 101 on one issue that I’ve been asked about frequently.

How do I let my partner know that I’m interested in bondage without freaking them out?

While a fairly ‘vanilla’ activity, this kink can be the entryway into further kinkifying your relationship. If you are new to the world of toys and roleplay it can be a tricky subject to broach. There are some people that do not understand the purpose of bondage and why someone may want to do it. Simply saying “talk to your partner about it” but not be enough of a push.

As with any sexual desire it’s important to ask yourself what is behind the act itself that you enjoy. If you’re interested in bondage you may want to start small, with a pair of non-threatening plush cuffs. Your desire to be cuffed up may stem from the desire to lose yourself during sex. To let someone else have their complete control over you. To feel ravished, wanted, slightly helpless in the moment. Even still, your partner might not understand.

One possible explanation would be the explanation of control. Often times during sex there will be one person who is in control. This is the person who is on top, deciding which positions to be in, initiating the sex, and essentially being the dominant figure. Bondage takes this “role” one step further, by letting your partner truly have control over you. It is an act of trust, and the act of trusting someone to the point of having no ability to move can be a massive push to your emotional arousal.

You can demonstrate this by telling your partner to lay down and close their eyes. Tell your partner to put their hands above their head, behind their back, on the mattress, somewhere where they will keep them for the next few minutes. Then get on top of your partner and tease them. Do whatever it is that you want to do to them without any reciprocation. Explore, please, tease, touch, grab. Be sure that your partner knows that if some touch isn’t wanted, they can tell you to stop. Sometimes a ‘safe word’ aside from the word no is warranted. Then ask your partner what they felt as you were in control and they were “immobile.” Ask if they enjoyed any parts about it. This may give them some perspective into why it is that you want to use an actual restraint during sex.

If your partner is still unsure, suggest trying it once to see how it works. Talk about the boundaries and the safe word, and then put the cuffs to use. Let your partner experience truly being in control of you and see if that is a role that they enjoy. Not everyone does, and they may feel out of place. Particularly if they are used to your reciprocation in the play. If they enjoy it, continue the cuff play off and on when you have sex until the two of you are more comfortable with it. When the cuffs become routine and if the roles fit, you can broach the subject of adding other types of restraints or other types of dom/sub toys into the mix.

Not everyone is savvy to the psychological gains of letting oneself be dominated during sex, and it can take some genuine practice and patience to get to the point where it makes sense. Even then, not everyone enjoys it. This is why having the conversation prior to sex is most important.

I’ve talked about how to actually initiate the bondage play with a pair of cuffs, but how do you start the initial conversation?

This conversation and any other difficult sexual conversation is best discussed when each partner is calm and comfortable. Discuss this in an environment that is either neutral to the both of you or equally comfortable. Make sure that you won’t be interrupted. Don’t have the conversation immediately before, during, or after sex. Enter the conversation with the understanding that your partner may not know what your desires are, what they mean, or how to go about them. Answer any questions they might have about what you want to try, and offer up to the giving portion as well as the receiving portion of the fantasy if applicable. Ask your partner if there is anything that would interest them about this fantasy of yours and how they would see it playing out if you were to try it. If they are unwilling or uninterested, accept their response and let it go. You can feel free to bring it up at a later date but don’t push your partners decision if it is not something they are comfortable with. Not everyone is down for everything.

Lastly! Most of conversation is non-verbal. This does not mean don’t talk. It means that as you are talking, be aware of how your body is positioned. Do not turn away from your partner when talking. Do not cross your arms. Do not scowl. Talk in a calm, steady voice. Listen to your partner when they talk and fully process what they said before you speak. Do not plan what you want to say next as your partner is talking. If necessary, mirror what they’ve said back to them.

Example

Partner: I am not interested in bondage because I don’t want to take advantage of you

You: You feel that if we were to play with bondage that you would be taking advantage of me

Partner: That’s correct

You: You would not be taking advantage of me, because this is something that I am actively interested in doing

Mirroring shows your partner that you have heard and understood their (valid) concerns and gives you the opportunity to continue the conversation in the right direction.

Nominations for the top 100 sex bloggers are still open! Have a favorite sex blogger? Nominate them! It’s an awesome place to find new blogs to read, to meet new people, and to learn new things. People who nominate are entered to win some awesome prizes, like some gift cards and some sexy toys.

You can check out the 2010 list for some reading material right now by going HERE! I was #32 on the list last year, an honor considering my blog was still only a year and a half (or so) old by that point.

On a similar note, I am always looking for new blogs to read. If you have a list of favorites or just one you think I should add to my feed, hit me up with a message or an email! I’d love it.