If there was ever an argument to abolish the 2nd Amendment, U.K.’s Channel 5, aired a documentary, Speidi: Scandal, Secrets & Surgery!, where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt showed off their collection of guns. I understand what the Huffington Post is trying to do here, but I live in the South, and trust me on this, this is not an “arsenal”. It is, however, two idiots with semi-automatics and a sniper rifle who are broke because they thought the Mayans were right. And after watching the video, I’m pretty sure Heidi Montag has never even held a gun before. But as we all know, nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a two reality show contestants.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt once made $10 million because America is stupid, but they pissed it all away because they thought the world would end on December 21, 2012. So, yeah. SF Gate reports:

In 2010, Pratt revealed the couple was broke and on the verge of bankruptcy, and they even gave up their luxury home and moved in with his father to save money. He has now admitted they deliberately spent all their cash before December 21, 2012 —the day the world was set to end, according to a prophesy based on the Mayan calendar. He tells Britain’s OK! magazine, “We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits. “Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end.” Opening up about his extravagant lifestyle, Pratt adds, “I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.”

I’m not gonna lie, the History Channel made me think the world was going to end and a friend of mine almost had me convinced that on December 22, aliens would activate their DNA they secretly implanted in us. I guess what I’m saying is it’s probably a good thing I didn’t have ten million dollars.

My faith in the sanctity of marriage has been restored. According to TMZ:

As we previously reported, Heidi called off her divorce from Spencer — and as a symbol of their (unfortunately) undying love, Speidi fed each other s’mores that they’d cooked over an inferno of legal docs. Heidi tells TMZ she was waiting for Spencer to make her his top priority: “All I ever wanted was to know that Spencer loved me more than he loved all this other nonsense.” For his part, Spencer tells us, “Through everything it’s been Heidi’s love that kept me grounded. Realizing my behavior was pushing her away was a terrifying wake-up call. I’ve still got a long way to go to repair the trust, but I hope with continued self improvement, our relationship will be stronger than ever.”

Spencer Pratt was in Costa Rica for a meeting with the president of Vivid Entertainment to discuss a deal for the alleged sex tape starring his alleged ex wife that he allegedly has. That meeting never happened and we all know Speidi is afraid to have their names out of the paper for even a minute, so he did what any famewhore fucktard would do… planted a story about himself. Even TMZ wasn’t buyin it.

We’re not vouching for Spencer Pratt, but his people tell TMZ Spencer was busted at an airport in Costa Rica for illegal possession of a firearm. As the story goes … Spencer was on his way out of the country when he was busted for felony possession. We’re told he was booked and processed at a local jail and later released after turning over the weapons and signing a confession with the DA. Yes, we’re skeptical, too. So far, we haven’t been able to confirm any of this. But we do have this bizarre statement from Spencer himself: “As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive. As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport. It was an honest mistake, and they sent me on my way. On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.”

Leave it to King Douchebeard to put his own name in the tabloids. The guy would sell his first born to Roman Polanski (and provide the AstroGlide) if it meant Harvey Levin would publish just one more story about him. Oddly enough, it’s now being reported by TMZ that Spencer wasn’t lying.

Now, we’ve gotten our look at an arresting document from Costa Rica — and even though it’s in Spanish, it does have his name on it and includes fun words like “guilty,” “charged” and “prosecution”.

Now, some of you are probably thinking that when you are so focused on self-improvement, a giant hunting rifle strapped to your chest would go unnoticed. I know it’s happened to me a time or two, but every move this cat makes is intentional, so call me crazy, but I’m apt to believe it’s all a set up. I’m sure the arrest is real, but I think this “mistake” was about as real as well, any part of Heidi. And Spencer darling, that wasn’t “spiritual cleansing”, it’s called Montezuma’s Revenge. They warned you not to drink the water!

Life’s too short to care about your dignity or to pretend you’re divorced and fighting a vindictive ex-husband to stop the release of a sex tape, so Heidi Montag is now meeting with Vivid to work out a “backend deal”. OMG, I can hardly believe it! TMZ reports:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon. We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag. Hirsch told us he’s leaving for Costa Rica sometime next week.

Since they’re estranged and in the middle of a bitter feud, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are vacationing together in Costa Rica right now, so expect the sex tape to be released sometime soon. Mainly because they’re not even trying anymore to make this not look like exactly what it is. I don’t know if anybody has a swarm of bees or a bunch of mutant sharks with lasers for eyes laying around, but I hear Costa Rica has exciting vacation packages! In Costa Rica the visitor can enjoy lovely tropical beaches, the grandest adventures, the wonders of nature, scintillating culture, all the necessary components of an ideal vacation. No wonder, then, that thousands of tourists have made Costa Rica their top travel choice!

Spencer Pratt has now sent a sex tape featuring Heidi Montag and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon to Vivid. I wonder how much she’s getting? TMZreports:

We’re told not too long ago Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi … moving out some of his stuff. Sources tell us Spencer came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off. Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment – much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi. We could not reach Heidi and her reps were mum. As for Karissa Shannon — she tells us such a tape does indeed exist, but she’s not convinced Spencer really has it. Karissa says if the tape ever sees the light of day, she’ll sue the pants off him.

Man, this sounds like so much drama! That is until you realize that if the tape “sees the light of day”, it means that both Heidi and Karissa Shannon will have signed consent forms. Which of course is just a formality at this point so they can feign shock and disgust in the media while cashing their checks from Vivid in private. See how that works? Good. You know what also works? Emery Cat. It not only satisfies your cat’s need to scratch but also trims its nails at the same time! No more shredded furniture! A cat scratching post and nail grooming board all rolled into one! Thanks, Emery Cat!

Remember how Spencer Pratt is claiming to be shopping a sex tape? Well, he’s named his price and of course, being the beacon of rationality that he is, it’s an appropriate figure. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ … Spencer Pratt has a price in mind for the Heidi Montag sex tape — $5,000,000!!! Sources close to the deal tell TMZ they have heard Spencer’s asking price and that Vivid doesn’t think the figure is “an unreasonable price.” For his part, Spencer tells TMZ that he has an “entire website’s” worth of footage, saying, “I will knock Club Jenna out of the water.” Spencer went on to say he thinks releasing the tapes will be good for Heidi, saying, “When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure.”

Spencer Pratt is an unrepentant douche who needs to work on his perm and Heidi Montag could start for the USA Attention Whore team, so the only shock here is that we haven’t seen it yet. TMZ reports:

We’re told Spencer has contacted the Rolls-Royce of porn — Vivid Entertainment — and is asking for a meeting. As we first reported, Heidi has threatened to sue Spencer over a tell-all book — but she has not made any mention of a sex tape. Unclear if the alleged sex tape with Heidi is pre or post-op. Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch tells us, “I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.” He continues, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.” Spencer has told a friend that the alleged tape “makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur.”

Let’s not pretend that Heidi Montag isn’t directly involved with these negotiations and let’s really not pretend that my penis is abnormally large. It’s not. I mean, I’ll accept that check from BP Oil, but a lot of people helped out with that, not just me.

“We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it,” Pratt tells PEOPLE. “[Heidi] knows that and doesn’t want that.”… “I’m switching it up,” he says. “I’ve already gone for the blonde, spiky-haired look. Now I’m going for the Hollywood producer look.” Continues Pratt: “I’m an artist now. I have an easel and everything. I’m going for an art show and a gallery.”

Hollywood producer look? I have seen bums under the freeway that look more respectable than this douchebeard. Not only are his chin pubes uber obnoxious (almost as obnoxious as people who say uber), his incoherent ramblings make Mel Gibson look like fucking Socrates. Spencer, do us all a favor, put down the paint-by-numbers- he has an easel and everything!- and volunteer for sterilization. I would wish a slow painful death upon him, but at least he’s entertaining… I’m looking at you Kardashians!

“I was shocked at how rude he was – I was crying afterwards because I couldn’t believe I felt personally attacked … I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you’re talking to me right now? I’m just a young woman and you’re coming at me so aggressively and meanly [sic] and mean-spirited.”

So…Spencer slapped a chick in the face? Really? Why isn’t everyone talking about that? Yeah. Moving on. I love Al Roker. Love love love him. I want to send him a bucket o’ chicken /tired racial stereotype. It was fun to listen to Spencer try to explain how he wants to be a villain in reality competition shows, but a hero in real life. Spencer, a hero. What would he have to do to shed his douchebag image? Rescue 100 orphans from a burning building? Nah, he’d still be a douchebag. I think douchebag is a bit too nice, and kinda overused. From this moment on, he is an enemanozzle. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but it is gross. On to Heidi. Actually, I’m really sick of talking about these people, so can we please just send her off to a glue factory or rendering plant? Thanks.

Tony Robbins moment: If you are having self esteem issues, just have a look at these awful people. You will feel tons better, I promise.