Is this my problem?

First a little background . . . difficult child got her first paycheck from her job on Saturday. Well, it was actually cash because the owner of the salon said he didn't have all of her paperwork completed to put her on the payroll.

She called to tell me that she made $196 since it was a part-time week. She had to pay baack the director for giving her some cash to buy lunches the first week, and a couple of other people at the half way house who had bought her cigarettes. She said she had $150 left and volunteered to pay for her food and cigarettes until her next paycheck. She didn't mention the new phone that she had been planning to buy.

We needed to switch vehicles since we had gotten hers fixed. When we talked on the phone yesterday afternoon, she expressed concern for having that much cash at the halfway house. She wanted to wait until today to come over and switch vehicles so she could go to the bank. husband wanted his truck back, though, so we insisted that she bring the truck back and suggested she spend the night at her boyfriend's house rather than make the long drive back.

She called right before she left and I asked her if she wanted to bring the cash and I would deposit for her. She said no, that she was going to go to Walmart and get a prepaid Visa with the money instead. I said fine.

Still with me???

So difficult child came over last night and we switched vehicles. She told me that she had hidden the money in her room where no one would find it. She left and went to boyfriend's house.

Today, she texted me to tell me that the money had been stolen. I was gobsmacked (to use DDD's term). I texted back that I didn't think it was my problem. I then added that I didn't even know if I believed it.

She called and said that her roommate had spent the night out, too, and someone had gotten into the room and stolen money from both of them. I could hear her roommate in the background agreeing that is what happened. difficult child said she went to the director who told her he was really sorry that something was stolen again but that she was living with addicts who didn't have jobs and that's what they do. He did say he would replace the lock to something more secure.

Here's where I need your help. I can think of three scenarios here.

1) difficult child is lying and keeping the money to buy drugs and alcohol. However, she is still being drug tested and I have no evidence that this is true.

2) difficult child is lying to get us to buy her food and cigarettes so she can buy fun things with the money.

3) difficult child is telling the truth.

If she is telling the truth, then I would be willing to help her with the groceries and cigarettes. Especially since we insisted that she come over last night instead of staying there with her money like she wanted to. If she is lying, I don't want to be played.

I would have believed difficult child because I know what goes on in sober houses, but then you see where that got me. So quite frankly I have no idea what to believe. I guess in absence of other evidence is you may need to help her with groceries this week but that should stop as soon as she gets her next paycheck. I would also tell her that is the last time you will help and she better get a checking account or make other arrangements to secure her money.

I should add that she called back a little while later and said that it was her problem and that she would deal with it. She said her roommate said she had some money left on her food stamps and she would make sure that difficult child would have food. difficult child also said that she had bought enough cigarettes before this happened to last for a while.

I just talked to husband and he said he doesn't believe it for a minute. He thinks she has already spent it.

I think that, regardless of the scenario, it ALL gets filed under "not your problem".

If the money really was stolen, then SHE needs to file a police report.

There's nothing that YOU need to do. If you want to, you can help pay for cigarettes and food...though it sounds as though she has other folks at the salon loaning her money for lunches - so she may be OK.

Daisy, I thought about the phone, too, but there would be no reason for her to lie about this. She had already told me that she needed a new phone and I told her that she should buy one with her first paycheck which would have meant that we would have to have helped some with the groceries and cigarettes and we were okay with that.

I was actually surprised when she didn't mention that she needed to buy a phone and said she would pay for the cigarettes and groceries herself.

The reason it would be my problem is that she won't be able to eat for two weeks if she truly has no money.

The reason it would be my problem is that she won't be able to eat for two weeks if she truly has no money.

Click to expand...

Still not YOUR problem.
You have the choice to help, or to not help, and how much to help if you do, but the PROBLEM is hers.

My Mom was known to answer this with pre-bought survival rations... NOT the stuff GFGbro would buy for himself. Peanut butter, Whole grain crackers. Mac'n'cheese. Raisins (the other dried fruits are too "nice" and too expensive). Maybe some boxed juices (single-serve) for vitamins and minerals. Notice... none of this requires refrigeration. Won't starve, but... not the way most of us want to live.

I just remembered something that makes me more suspicious. When difficult child was on the way, she asked if I would meet her at Zaxby's rather than driving all the way here. I figured that she was just trying to get me to meet her there to buy her food. I said no, that I was busy working on my online class, and that she would have to come all the way here. I remember thinking as I got off the phone that she could buy her own food now that she had money.

As she was about to leave, she asked me for money to stop by Zaxby's on the way to boyfriend's house. I asked her why she couldn't buy it herself and she said it was because she had left all of the money in her room. I asked her why she wouldn't have brought at least a little of it with her and she said she didn't think about it.

Frankly I would be tempted to provide support until next payday because she did show maturity and perseverence in finding a job. She evidently is trying her best. She knows s.a. could end it all and I think she pretty clearly knows that you and husband are near the end of your rope.

This is the first time I've thought she was taking steps forward and I'd hate to see her get derailed. If she's lying you've been there done that. You and husband can say "that's it" and not worry about misjudging her. DDD

AG, that is a good question. I did ask her if she wanted to bring the money with her but I also said I wasn't sure if I would be able to deposit it for her since I am not on the account.

She said her roommate would not be there last night so she was just going to hide it and go to Walmart in the morning to get the prepaid card.

Still, it does make you wonder. However, DDD is right. We will never really know. If it comes to it, I will buy her groceries but not cigarettes. She will just have to make the ones that she has last or borrow money from someone until pay day. I am done buying her cancer sticks.

Well maybe I am feeling a bit cynical, having been conned so many times myself, but I tend to think she had already spent it...... but I also think good for her she seems to have figured out how to solve it with food stamps etc... so it is not your problem and I think it probably better if you don't take her grocery shopping... however next time you see her I might bring her some staples kind of stuff (ie mac n cheese, peanut butter, etc.). More as a gift rather than giving her replacement food for the money that was "stolen".

She never got the Visa. She had hidden the money overnight and had planned to get the Visa card this morning but according to her the cash was gone. The more I think about it, the more I have doubts about it.

difficult child said she would handle it so I am going to be hands off. I just have a feeling that this is not the end of it.

Im kinda iffy on the whole thing because she laid the foundation in advance for what if it gets stolen. Normally people dont walk through all scenarios out loud and then have the worst one happen. Thats not to say that bad things dont happen. Cory has had his stuff stolen several times. His so called friends have broken into his places through windows and stolen property and cash. First time really upset him...well they all did but the first time was the worst because he trusted the person.

Kathy, I agree with Step and Janet. But ultimately, whether difficult child was telling you the truth or not it's still not your problem. If she knows that you'll bail her out every time she runs into a difficult situation, then she won't learn to be more careful.

Assume that she is telling the truth: She knows that her room at the halfway house is not a safe place to leave her money, but instead of keeping it on her person or giving it to you where it would be safe, she leaves it there anyway and it gets stolen. If you give her money to get by until her next paycheque, she has no incentive to learn anything from this other than, "I'll just ask mom for money." If she has to figure out how to survive until her next paycheque, on the other hand, she has an incentive to keep working hard and doing well at her job to ensure that she continues to make money, AND to do something safe with her money when she receives.

I don't mean to sound harsh or unkind, but sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is to leave them alone to learn to do for themselves.