Our expert of fine cuisine, John Mariani, takes a trip to Outback Steakhouse and pens the ultimate review. And learns to love the Bloomin' Onion.

It wasn't as awful as I thought it would be -- at least not as long as the Bloomin' Onion lasted. This is Outback's signature item -- an onion about the size of a softball "carved by a dedicated bloomologist," sliced to resemble a brown gardenia, battered with intense spices (and a lot of salt), and deep-fried to an oily crisp outside and semisoggy mess within. Any onion flavor was masked by all the fried-ness. It proved irresistible while waiting for the steaks to arrive.

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Outback Steakhouse is headquartered in Tampa. The Aussie theme isn't much of a motif in a decor that could just as easily be a Ponderosa. Lots of blond wood, big booths, TVs tuned eternally to ESPN, and a few odd Australian artifacts. Foster's pale ale rules.

Wherever there is an Outback, there is usually a waiting time of an hour or more on weekends, with a no-reservations policy (though you can register in advance and cut that time considerably). I visited an Outback in a Yonkers, New York, shopping center. Amiably greeted and seated midweek, we were entertained by a waiter with a buzz cut who declared everything we ordered, including tap water, "awesome." I had expected them all to be dressed in khaki bush outfits and call everybody "mate," but they just wear short-sleeved shirts and jeans. The clientele was much like you'd find in any mall food court: freaking enormous. Roll after roll of body fat stuffed into XXL T-shirts and baggy blue jeans. But everyone seemed to be having a grand old time, scarfing platters of cheese fries and baby-back ribs, their piggy children stuffing themselves with Boomerang Cheese Burgers from the "Joey Menu."

We got off to a good start, choosing among six Australian beers and a decent selection of wines served in thin wineglasses. The Kookaburra Wings were as mediocre as any bar staple, but the Grilled Shrimp on the Barbie with a rémoulade sauce were damn tasty. It then occurred to me that Australia is not particularly known for its beef -- but the beef served at Outback isn't from Down Under anyway. And it sure isn't prime. Which is okay when they charge only $33.79 for a one-pound sirloin, $22.49 for a fourteen-ounce rib eye, and $21.49 for a sixteen-ounce prime rib. (All the sides, like steamed broccoli and truly awful roast-garlic mashed potatoes, ring in at $2.79.)

Trying to be objective by balancing price with quality in comparison with more expensive chains like Ruth's Chris and Morton's, I came to the conclusion that if the average guy and his family want to go out for a semi-expensive steak dinner, Outback will do just fine. But the bottom line is the beef at Outback simply lacks flavor. Not even the rib eye -- the fattiest of Outback's cuts -- had much taste, being more livery than beefy. The sirloin and the prime rib were watery, without the ferrous edge of bull's blood. I would rather have been eating a burger at Fuddruckers.