You gave up porn. Good for you. But what are you supposed to do now, what with all of that suddenly spare time and useless boners? more »

Good for you! Whatever your specific reason for giving it up—you’re not supposed to do that at work, you’re the pope now, and those are the only two reasons—it’s a hard thing to do and you should be commended and supported? But what are you supposed to do now, what with all of that suddenly spare time and useless boners? « less

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March 08, 2013

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Mirror, Mirror!

To someone accustomed to on-demand pornography and self-gratification, I know this is going to sound weird, but here’s an idea: meet a girl. Distinguishing characters: They look like the ladies in porn, except they wear slightly more clothes and far, far less makeup. Make sure she has similar opinions on politics and TV shows. Okay, now start a loving relationship with her. Now, have sex with each other. It's not that different from what you see in porn; merely replace the crudely fashioned vagina you've made from your hand with the actual parts of another human being. Got it? Now, have sex with each other…in a mirror. Pretend that the mirror is your computer or TV and that you and your partner are other people. It’ll be just like you’re watching porn!

Picture this!

Remember the lady that you had sex with in the mirror and pretended that it was porn so you could become aroused? Okay, marry her. Now, build up a life together, get jobs, and become what's own in tax circles as DINK—double income, no kids. Save up enough money to buy a large suburban house, one with a finished basement that you can set up as a photographic studio. Concurrently, take classes at a community college to learn how to become a photographer. Once you've mastered portraiture and lightning techniques, convince your wife to pose for a series of "boudoir shots" for you—that means naked. Take those naked photos of your wife, and memorize their every detail. Then, when she goes out of town for a few days to visit her mother in the hospital, think about those photos while you touch yourself in the shower.

Art, brut!

Have you ever stopped watching porn long enough to watch trite sitcoms from the '80s and '90s? Eventually they all feature an episode where a character takes a figure drawing class in art school, as they are expecting to see a naked lady in real life, but, inevitably, a hairy old guy disrobes in front of them instead. These classes do, in fact, exist in real life. Sign up for one, but make sure you get one with a foxy young woman, not an old hairy guy. Draw pictures of the lady on your easel. Yes, they are naked pictures of a lady, but because they are drawn, that means that they're art, so it's not porn. Next, stop by a Kinko's and photocopy the images you've drawn a few hundred times. Take home the stack of paper and ball up every sheet into a paper-wad, not unlike the way you've defiled thousands, if not millions of tissues and fast-food napkins over the course of your porn addiction. Carefully arrange all of those paper-wads on your bed so that it resembles the form of a lady. (Hint: ball up several pieces of paper together to make two extra-large wads—those can be used for the breasts.) Gaze at the paper-ball woman you've created, and tenderly masturbate in the corner.

Slice of life!

Quit your entire life and move to the San Fernando Valley in California. Fun fact: according to the World Book Encyclopedia, more than 90 percent of the pornography in the world is made there. So of course, you should go there and get yourself a job as a pizza delivery guy near the street with all of the porno movie studios and factories. When the cum-hungry sluts and rock hard stallions get hungry, then, they'll call you for a pizza, and then they'll all have sex with you, because porn stars love having sex with pizza boys. Check out the monitors while you're doin' it, because that's technically not porn until they burn it onto a DVD.