A lot went down. Teows went to the quiet room, Trotz got in a spat with Devorski, Ovi’s back tattoos came back, and the Caps wiseguys stole the show. Come relive the memories with me and Ian, who almost agree about it.

Peter Hassett: Ian

Ian Oland: Yeah?

Peter: What’d you think of Road to the Winter Classic episode 1?

Don’t worry about saying something dumb. I’ll just edit it out.

Ian: I knew it wasn’t going to be as good as what HBO did. But even with that lowered expectation, I was disappointed. I thought it was boring for an all-access show, there were few memorable moments, and even when they were, the show didn’t go deeper with them. Everyone was presented as awesome and perfect. It just felt like a little bit more than a highlight show to me.

Peter: Yeah, and I think that feeling of being underwhelmed is the majority. I wonder a little bit if they’re trapped by their own structure. There were bits in that episode that could have sustained 5-minute segments rather than 20-second spots.

But even if it won’t live up to the Liev-voiced HBO series, there was still some interesting stuff in there for me. Toews’ head injury, Trotz’s relationship with Devorski, everything with Korn. What’d you dig?

Ian: I’m all about personality. I loved the Ward and Chimera bits. CSN does those regular segments with them and it feels forced. But they just aired those two in the locker room, with Wardo reading a paper. The first thing a hyperactive Chimera says to him is: “You reading the pictures? You reading the pictures?” Ward’s response, hilarious, was “I have a four-year college education.” That was natural and really captured their relationship.

The stuff with Wilson and Latta. Talking about how they protect their dad, Nick Backstrom on the ice. That was priceless too.

Peter: Yeah, that’s one of the best parts of the show. They don’t seem to contrive the setups, so the stuff they get seems more organic. I think it’s a little suspicious that Wilson and Latta were playing ping pong, but I loved this quote from Wilson:

“We’re young, and it’s fun to be young for a while.”

Tom Wilson is living the freaking life. He better enjoy it.

Ian: Yeah, those parts were memorable and captivating because it was natural and organic. Which is important with these kinds of shows. It wasn’t like that inane introduction that made me want to hurl myself into a fire pit of dragons.

Peter: What’s the deal with the voiceover? The writing seems so stilted, overwrought.

Ian: Peter, THERES THIS THING ABOUT ROADS…

Peter: Haha. Like, I get the “HOCKEY IS EPIC” angle. It’s good. But that well has been tapped dry.
There is so much more. Hockey is fun. It’s the most fun. Go with that. We don’t need some kind of dumbed-down Cormac McCarthy spiel with overbaked metaphors.

It just occurred to me that this was a play on the name of the show. “ROAD to the Winter Classic.”

Ian: NO WAY

GET THE [bleep] OUT OF HERE

Peter: Yeah I just checked.

(Totally editing out your curse word)

Ian: I think the person who got the most airtime tonight was Blaine Forsythe.

Peter: Mister personality, running the video sessions.

As low key as he is, he owns that power play.

Ian: He sure does.

What did you think about that Korn feature in the middle?

Peter: I want to know what it is about his conscience that doesn’t allow him to keep a hotel room during a 4-day road trip. I think the transactional time costs of moving all his shirts probably erases the savings, but that’s just me. I love the guy; tons of respect for his career.

Ian: He just is so damn down to earth. He feels like he’s you or me in that position. Just a big nerd, who loves hockey and who is super smart. I have so much respect for the man. Moving out of a hotel room because he feels guilty about wasting the money, just says so much about who he is. I really wish they could have spent more time on him, because he’s probably one of the most interesting guys on the team.

Peter: Yeah. For whatever problems the team has, they seem like a good group of people. Korn is genuine, Trotz has a big heart, Chimera and Ward are adorable, and Wilson and Latta are a ton of fun. I think the show did a good enough job to capture that.

Ian: That’s true. I just hope we get away from the glorifying of guys and we get to just covering what’s really going on. Do we really need three minutes of defending Alex Ovechkin? Do we need lines like this? “No owner wants a team to win a Stanley Cup more than Ted Leonsis.”

Peter: Bingo. That stuff should be self evident. We don’t need a vignette dedicated to it.

Ian: I don’t need Not-Liev Schreiber cutting a promo for how awesome Barry Trotz is. Just present what he’s doing at practice and let me make up my own dang mind about it.

Peter: Closing thoughts? Because I think this is a very interesting time to have this show. Remember four years ago? That was the worst time period for the Caps up until that point– switching to the trap, essentially damning the Boudreau!Caps even if it would take 11 more months. These Caps are actually winning games, and it’s a totally different vibe.

Ian: Yeah, it had much more of a story arc in a sense. They presented the Penguins as such a happy team, everything going right. Then you have bumbling Boudreau with BBQ sauce, the team losing and it feeling like this David vs Goliath Winter Classic. WHICH WE WON BY THE WAY.

I don’t know, as an artist, I’m just disappointed. I know in this day in age, everyone is so protective of who they are and what they stand for. But just let the professionals do their thing. The EPIX video work was brilliant and there were great moments. But I just feel like this could have been so much better. I think it’s going to be mostly a highlight show in a sense, and that kind of disappoints me. I wish that metaphorical road showed me those interesting dents and scrapes in it. Not the mile markers passing by.

Peter: Well, we’ve got three more episodes. If I recall, the latter episodes were the best in the previous series. I’m looking forward to Backy’s hat trick and the longest shootout in NHL history captured for EPIX. It’ll get better because how could it not?!

Ian: Exactly. In the words of Barry Trotz, “Everyone pulling the rope, feeding the right wolf.” I have no idea what that means, but it feels right to end on it.

The Stanley Cup playoffs start today, and the Washington Capitals aren’t a part of it. While that sucks, life must go on. The good news is that the quarterfinal round is the best week or two of hockey all year, and there’s a bunch of good match-ups to watch. There’s also a couple of garbage match-ups too, but what are you gonna do?

I’ve asked the RMNB crew to share their brackets, and they did, and they’re all really bad. Even mine is bad. Not as bad as theirs, but still really, really bad. Making predictions is a sucker’s game.

Peter Hassett, Writer of Recaps, Singer of Songs

Poor Bruce Boudreau will get knocked out before the conference finals, whereas Minny will escape a pathetic first-round match up with Varly and the Avs before getting demolished by the Hawks.

Boston will have a cakewalk to the eastern conference finals, where I think they’ll meet a cinderella Columbus team, who will shock the world by beating the Pens in the first round– mostly by dominating whenever Sidney isn’t playing. The Rangers look to be peaking at the right time, but I’m going with my heart: #Lumbus will face Boston in the conference finals and lose.

Ian Oland, Giffer of GIFs, Herder of Longrats

The Anaheim Ducks. Teemu Selanne miraculously won bronze in Sochi. In his last ever playoff appearance, he will miraculously win the Stanley Cup one more time. Yes, even the playoff-futility curse thing Bruce Boudreau brought along with him from Washington will not be able to stop #TeemuForever. By the end of this playoffs though, we will be so sick of the media attention Teemu gets, we will want him to actually retire. My other picks: the Pens will roll through everyone to the Finals, because – wow, the East is bad. Their hardest challenge will be in the first round against Columbus, but Columbus is Columbus, until they prove to me they’re not Columbus. Should be fun.

Chris Gordon, Grapher of Photos, Writer of Features

I’m just picking former Caps to do well. After narrowly missing out on his second president’s trophy, Bruce Boudreau’s Ducks are the darlings of the regular season. Sound familiar?

Like Boudreau’s Caps, the Anaheim Ducks will probably get bounced before the conference final. Nevertheless, my bracket has them going all the way. Get it done, Bruce. You’re all we have left.

Fedor Fedin, Writer of Prospects, Man of Moscow

I’d really love to see the San Jose Sharks (with whom Caps have so much in common) finally do well. I think this is the year for a tremendously organized bunch led by one of my favorite NHL coaches, Todd McLellan, as well as high-scoring Joe Pavelski and rock solid Marc-Edouard Vlasic. Their hard work for many years will finally pay off. A first-round win against their bitter rivals the Kings would go a long way for them.

Some other notes: Marc-Andre Fleury will be lit up again, just not in the first round; Jeff Zatkoff will see some ice time. Boston will once more be the beast of the East, and frankly, it doesn’t seem like it’s even close. Philly and Claude Giroux will ride their late-season regular success all the way to the conference finals. Without Matt Duchene, the Avs will have no answer for the Hawks.

Igor Kleyner, Speaker of Russian, Space Cowboy

East: Boston over Detroit, because obviously Boston. Stammer carries the Bolts over the Habs. Then, well, Boston again, just as obvious as the 1st round. In the other half of the East, it’s Pens over Lumbus in an unexpectedly tough match-up, while the Rags have it surprisingly easy over Flyers. MSL and Richards play like it’s 2004 all over again while Henrik out Tuukka’s Tuukka in the EC finals.

West: Kings and Sharks kill each other. Literally. There is not a single player from either team still alive to play in the second round vs Ducks, so it’s a forfeit to the Anaheim. Meanwhile, Lanche sweeps Wild AND Blues in the second round; Roy shows up at the last game with both ears plugged by giant SC replicas, then assaults Hitch with those cups during handshake. He is banned for the WC finals. Ducks win.

Ducks and Rags in the SC Finals. Bruce ALWAYS beats Rangers in the playoffs.

2014 SC Champs Anaheim Ducks. #TeamBoudreau

Rachel Cohen, Monger of Art, Merchant of Feels

Unlike almost everyone else, I have Columbus with the upset in round 1. Fleury will fleur, and Bobrovsky will not. Philly and New York are gonna beat the tar out of each other. To quote Bryz: “There’s gonna be lots of lots of murders. We’re going to need lots of ambulances.” Boston seamrolls Detroit. Without Ben Bishop, the Habs won’t be able to take out Carey Price unless Stamkos gets hot. In the end, Boston will win the East because Tuukka will Tuuk in a good way.

The closest series in the west will be SJS-LAK and MIN-COL. San Jose and LA are both great, but SJS is just slightly better. MIN-COL is all about goaltending: Bryz and Varly have been playing fantastic, but I think Bryz’s 1.19 GAA will help MIN squeak by. This year will be different for Bruce. The Anaheim Ducks will win hard-fought series with Chicago and Boston to win the Cup.

Oh, is this still happening? Is hockey still a thing? I was too busy having barbecues and drinking Flying Dog Barrel-Aged Imperial Porter and wearing flip-flops and liberally smearing SPF 250 all over myself to notice. Who even made the finals? It was the Pens and the Kings, right?

Ahh, the Chicago Blackhawks and the Boston Bruins. The #2 and #4 best possession teams in the league. The regular-season dominating Hawks and some jackholes from a city we’d normally be allowed to call a cesspit but some ultra-jackholes spoiled that, so now we have to pretend to be nice. Yay for Boston. Their accents are endearing, and Ben Affleck totally didn’t ham up Daredevil.

Now we dance. One last time, Ian and I will offer our predictions for the winner of the Stanley Cup. The winner will bask in infinite glory until the dawn of the Second Age. The loser will have to eat 100 pennies.

Chicago Blackhawks (#1) vs Boston Bruins (#5)

Peter: Hey, Los Angeles, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed! When I saw the Kings burying their opponents in pucks early in the season, I became convinced they’d repeat as champions. I totally overlooked how their possession dominance eroded as the season went on, and that’s on me. But Chicago has genuinely surprised me in the breadth of their game. They’ve got stout defense and explosive offense. Even Patrick freaking Kane broke a too-long scoreless streak (and stole a goal from his teammate in the process). I think Chicago is primed to win this thing. Mostly because they’re good, but also because Boston is miserable.

Yes, these are normal human cheekbones. No need to kneel before Zod.

Don’t get me wrong. Tuukka Rask is as great at goalie-ing. He’s even better at stopping pucks than he is at passing as a real human. Patrice Bergeron and Nathan Horton are genuinely awesome hockey players who are credits to their team. Chara is swell, and he’s gone nearly ten days without swallowing a wayward child whole, so there’s that.

But the rest of the team is not my cuppa. Brad Marchand is the Sean Avery of hockey. Milan Lucic is not as tough as he’s touted to be, and thoughts of Tyler Seguin make me insecure when I’m around women. I don’t even know how to spell Clod Julien’s name right. The Bs might have been the best team in the East, but that’s mostly because the rest of the conference was so uniformly disappointing this season. I mean, for crying out loud, the Toronto Maple Leafs almost beat the Bruins, and that club has been a fiasco for decades.

Chicago needs only not stoop to Boston’s level to win this thing. Don’t get involved in the billion inevitable post-whistle grab-ass sessions that will erupt with Marchand hits the ice. Keep skating like they have been all season. After all, the Chicago Blackhawks are the best hockey team in the league. The Boston Bruins should feel lucky just to have privilege to have a good view when the Hawks win it in 5.

Ian: Before the Baltimore Ravens entered the playoffs, Ray Lewis made an announcement. “I talked to my team today,” Lewis said on January 5th. “I talked to them about life in general. And everything that starts has an end. For me, today, I told my team that this will be my last ride.”

By last ride, Lewis meant he would retire at year’s end. When he made the announcement, I got this weird feeling. The Ravens were already a good team, but Ray Ray’s Last Ride was an emotional anchor, something the team could rally behind. They drew strength from that when things got tough. They could tell themselves, “We just can’t lose this one.” I knew they would win the Super Bowl. And they did.

Stuff like that brings team closer together, uniting them in a way that makes an otherwise ordinary team special. After the attacks in Boston earlier this year, you just know the Bruins would do anything to win a title. It’ll help heal the city. Each player will feel that pressure in the game’s deciding moments. The Bruins should be nearly impossible to beat at home.

Patrick Kane is playing in a completely different stratosphere right now. Corey Crawford is giving Chicago the solid goaltending it needs to win. Marian Hossa… is this guy in the Finals every friggin’ year?

Each of the four remaining playoff teams has won a championship in the last four years. We’re just recycling winners at this point. There’s no point in watching anymore. There’s no point in anything. Our Capitals have been eliminated, and I can’ t think of any good reason to get out of bed in the morning except for summer weather, two good regional baseball teams, bathing suits, watermelons, Joss Whedon’s commentary track for Avengers, and a new Janelle Monae album.

Other than that, life is a wasteland.

Nonetheless, Ian and I made a promise to publish our awful, hastily assembled predictions on who would win each round of the playoffs. As you remember, I got smacked down in the quarterfinal round, but I’m feeling a little better about the enterprise right now….

Chicago Blackhawks (#1) vs Los Angeles Kings (#5)

Peter: Clash of the titans. These are the two best teams in the league, and I think either one could beat whoever comes out of the East. But the Kings have been my Cup pick since January, and I ain’t backing off now. I think Jonathan Quick is on the cusp of reclaiming 2012 #beastmode, but I ain’t gonna sleep on the Hawks, who dominated the regular season. While some folks are disappointed in Jonathan Teows’ solitary postseason goal, he is still driving play, and I’m pretty certain Brandon will give Kings fans a Saad at some point (audible groan at my own pun).

The Kings are playing a style of hockey I wish more teams (including the one I write about most) would imitate. Due for a breakout is Alec Martinez, but I’d do anything to see DJ’s brother Dwight King have a hero moment next week. But in the end I’m expecting east-coast boys like Carter and Richards to put the Kings over the top– with Quick as a competent backstop. Kings in 6.

Ian: Wings! Man, you guys had it RIGHT THERE. And then… Uggggg.

NO PIERRE NOT NOW I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT GAWDDDDDD

Focus, Ian. Focus. Okay, so Kings/Blackhawks. My brother made an interesting point about the Hawks when they were down 3-1. “The Blackhawks were consistently the best team in hockey this year, especially after they started the year with 24 straight wins,” he told me on Facebook chat after the Wings were up 3-1 in the series. “Winning three in a row now shouldn’t be too difficult for them.”

I laughed at him, saying the playoffs are a different beast, and then they went out and ruined my life. I think that’s the thing here. The Kings — by all advanced metrics — are a very special team. But it is so hard to repeat in the modern-day NHL and the Blackhawks are special too. I think the Hawks will be hungrier. I think Toews and his homebody Patty K, will take the Blackhawks to the Finals again. But it’ll be a struggle and a back-and-forth series. Hawks in 6.

I’ve been tempted to bet against the Penguins in every round– irrationally. You’d think I’d learn my lesson, but it also took me like 20 times eating guacamole to realize I was allergic to avocado, and this is just like that but with hockey teams. The Bruins are the strongest puck-possession team remaining with a goalie who, despite his face, might be able to halt the surging but unsustainable Pens’ offense. While I do think Crosby is the best player in the world, I doubt his point production will continue at its current pace. And Paul Martin’s absurd level of success in the postseason is gonna melt away like Nazi faces at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark revealing the shlub we all remember from 2011-2012.

Ian: The Pens, man. Nobody in the East are close to them and you have no idea how much it disgusts me to write that. When I was in high school, every hockey fan at Frederick High was a Pens fan. I’d all walk into school with my Caps jersey on, and people would heckle me. AND I WAS THE FAN OF THE HOMETOWN TEAM.

The amount of swallowed and buried rage I have for the Pens, Mario, and their fans is not healthy. It’s not normal. Jean-Claude Van Damme knows how I feel inside:

Life’s not fair. The Pens aren’t going to lose — as much as I want them to– and as much as Boston could use a win after what happened a few months ago, Crosby and company are going to swallow Rask and his abnormally oblong head whole. The Bs will come into this series with way too much confidence after their second round win over New York, but they will get embarrassed. There will be lots of diving and crumpling to the ice in pain by Brad Marchand. Matt Cooke will score the game-winning series goal and and after the game, Pierre will interview him, and multiple kittens will die.

Welp, this is less than fun now, but we’re freaking obligated. The thing about making public predictions is that when you (and by you, I mean me) get ‘em wrong, it’s really embarrassing. I picked just 3 winners out of 8, so basically I’m worse than a coin-toss. I’m having self-worth issues right now. Meanwhile, Ian, used some blind freaking luck to get 5 out of 8. And we’re both emotionally unstable right now.

(But if you count number of games, I was totally closer than Ian, so there take that, nyah nyah.)

Chicago Blackhawks (#1) vs Detroit Red Wings (#7)

Peter: Ooh baby, I’m looking forward to this one. It seems to me that no matters who is on the Red Wings roster, they’re still somehow imbued by the spirit of Detroit hockey. Lidstrom is nowhere in sight, and they’re still a responsible team that does whatever they need to do to be strong on the puck. But the Blackhawks are the same team that ran away with regular season while the Caps still had a hard time lacing their skates. Chicago is the probably the most fun to watch, and I’m going to enjoy watching the Hawks win it in 6.

Ian: Let me first preface this with I hate hockey. Like utterly, completely, entirely. I just frigging hate hockey right now. Gary can go kick rocks for paying the officials off to let the Rangers win. Whew. Okay that’s out of my system, let’s roll some more NHL playoff dice! First of all, I think the Chicago Blackhawks are easily the better team in this series. That’s why I’m picking the Red Wings to win it. They’re old. They’re crafty. And like that old fisherman guy with the one-dollar bill hooked on his fishing rod, you can’t take the puck from them.

Wings in 6.

LA Kings (#5) vs San Jose Sharks (#6)

Peter: San Jose is a team unfairly maligned for being past their peak. I didn’t think they’d make the second round, but I don’t think they’re a slouch either. But still, the Kings are my pick to take the Cup, and they’re gonna bombard the Sharks into oblivion. In the Battle of California, I predict a slaughter: Kings in 4. It’s a Peter Hassett Sweep Special! Take it to #thebank!

Ian: I’m still really confused on how the Kings finished their season as only the #5 seed. They are a better team than that. A dominant one in fact. While the Sharks easily handled the Canucks in the first round, they will struggle big time in this series. And why? Because like the Capitals, they are physically and mentally unable to get over the proverbial hump, or I guess unbeaching themselves or something. Kings win in 6.

Pittsburgh Penguins (#1) vs Ottawa Senators (#7)

Peter: The league’s most exciting offense versus the regular season’s best goaltender. I really thought the Islanders could have skated the Pens into oblivion, but I failed to predict the rescue run of the Vokeswagon. Tomas Vokoun descended on Long Island like a grumpy old bald guy who sometimes plays goalie, and wouldn’t-ya-just-know-it, he did just that! I think the Penguins will wisely stick with Vokes, rendering MAF an eternal escape goat, and they’ll pull ahead of a frugal Ottawa team. Penguins in 6.

Ian: As much as I hate everything about the city, the people, and the players on this team, the Penguins — even despite Fleury’s current struggle with Jim Carey syndrome — managed to win in the first round. Like I said in my first set up picks, I love the Senators as a team. While they play some great hockey, these throwback warriors will have nothing against these ugly flightless birds. Pens in 6.

Boston Bruins (#4) vs New York Rangers (#6)

Peter: I’m not watching this series. I’ve watched 21 gull-darn playoff hockey games between these teams and the Capitals in the last year, and I’ve enjoyed very little of them. I hope they grind themselves into actual hell. I hope it’s pest vs. pest. I hope Lundqvist stands next to Rask at some point so we can marvel at the entire attractiveness spectrum of human males. I don’t care who wins so long as everyone does a good bit of suffering. Neither of these teams is a winner according to the definition of winner I made up just now. Bruins in 7. But in a parallel universe, the Caps are about to beat the Maple Leafs in 5 games of wide-open, dynamic hockey that has every fan in both countries’ smiling. Ugh.

Ian: I wish nothing but the worst for both of these teams. Like I hope both teams get the stomach flu and spend all game projectile vomiting at each other. That’s how I feel. My one key match-up is between Pierre McGuire’s favorite player in the NHL, All-American American Ryan Callahan, and free-style diver Brad Marchand. Who will out-pest the other? Who will flop more than Shane Battier? I’m not really sure who will — it’s impossible to predict — but I do know one thing for a fact. If these guys skate towards each at full speed and crash into each other at center ice, all bad things that have happened in life will become good, kinda like this Coldplay video.

Tuesday night begins the best part of the entire year. Eight best-of-seven series start today– with all the rivalries and drama and bad blood that come along with ‘em. Expect big games every night and fresh fallout every morning. Playoffs, baby.

As RMNB’s creators, Ian and I thought we’d ramble on about our predictions for the first round and put our necks on the line. I do not recommend you take any of our guesses to #thebank.

Minnesota Wild (#8) vs Chicago Blackhawks (#1)

Peter: I’m still astonished the Wild even made the postseason (#lumbus). I guess Parise might steal one game, but this is all Chicago. Blackhawks in 5, because they’re awesome on both ends of the ice. If any series goes to a sweep, it’ll be this one.

Ian: I first want to preface this with, I haven’t watched any West team play an entire game all year. So not only will my analysis be worthless, but I’ll probably get all of my picks 100% correct. So the Blackhawks are proven performers. They are made up by a gritty forward who is also a fearless leader (Toews); a dude who is a great scorer, probably drinks too much, and played under Dale Hunter (Kane); and a guy who’s won the Norris (Keith). Sure the Wild have Parise (which kinda rhymes with parcheesi) but this is going to be a war for them — and they’re on the wrong side of Pickett’s Charge. Blackhawks in 6.

Detroit Red Wings (#7) vs Anaheim Ducks (#2)

Peter: Sorry, Bruce. You’re getting first-rounded. Red Wings in 6. If the kid’s in net, make it 5.

Ian:The advanced stats say no, but my heart says yes. Boudreau and his Ducks continue their improbable run, riding some awesome play by their hall of famer. #TeemuForever in 5.

San Jose Sharks (#6) vs Vancouver Canucks (#3)

Peter: Congrats to this series for being the one I care about least. I want the Canucks to lose to see Alain Vigneault fend off the rabid Canadian hockey press with a broken chair leg, but I have a feeling they’ll squeak by. Canucks in 7.

Ian: The Canucks are that team everyone wants to pick but they always come up just a little bit short, like a preteen in line for a roller coaster. This season will be no different, but I think they’ll take care of business in the first round quickly. Canucks in 5.

Los Angeles Kings (#5) vs St Louis Blues (#4)

Peter: The Kings are my pick to win the Cup. Kings in 6. Quick might be able to put some Holtby-esque numbers up in this one, though STL is no slouch.

Ian:Look at the Kings’ possession stats. Just look at them. History has smiled upon a team that just owns the puck like the Kings do. While the Blues are a brilliant young team with a talented Russian that I pull for (Tarasenko), the defending champions will be too much for them to handle. Kings in 7.

New York Islanders (#8) vs Pittsburgh Penguins (#1)

Peter: This one should be fun to watch. John Tavares will shoot fireworks at MAF, who shouldn’t be Pittsburgh’s escape goat again this year, but he’ll give up enough to make up for whatever hockey majesty Crosby and Malkin unleash at the other end of the ice. If I were Fox Sports, this would be my Upset Special. Islanders in 7. Crosby for Lindsay though.

Ian: I don’t think I even need to offer an explanation. Penguins in 4.

Ottawa Senators (#7) vs Montreal Canadiens (#2)

Peter: Craig Anderson is scaaaaary, but I’ll give the edge to the Habs because I learned my lesson about doubting them back in 2010. I’m expecting PK Subban to bust out more dick moves than a [joke redacted]. Canadiens in 6.

Ian: I love how Ottawa’s built, and I especially love their forwards: Erik Condra, Mika Zibanejad, and Cory Conacher. These are tough forwards, guys who can score any way you can imagine. I think this will be a long series, but Montreal will eventually lose. Senators in 7.

New York Rangers (#6) vs Washington Capitals (#3)

Peter: My feeling is the Caps will get stonewalled on too-few power plays, but they’ll get the win in 6 regardless based on the strength of the hairy dude in net, who will put up a 93% save percentage. Plus, Jason Chimera will score big– Druce Mode. Capitals in 6.

Ian: I always tell my friends, the playoffs never make any sense, especially for the Capitals. You would expect the Caps to win this easily just because of how they’ve played lately, but I’m leery of such an assumption. I think the Rangers find a way to control Ovechkin, but the Caps’ tertiary scoring will come to the rescue. Also, four goals from #52 who will earn a new moniker: Series Over. Capitals in 6.

Toronto Maple Leafs (#5) vs Boston Bruins (#4)

Peter: I think most people think this is a lopsided match-up, but I’m a little cool on the Bruins (overrated dot com). I mindlessly predict this will be a high-scoring series (sorry Rask, sorry Reimer), and the Leafs win it in 7. Because the playoffs are weird, and the hockey media machine wants this.I’m totally anticipating a bevy of War Room conspiracy theories erupting from this one.

Ian: I know Leafs fans are excited to be back in the playoffs for the first time since the lightbulb was invented, but, after seeing them get demolished live by the Capitals a few weeks ago, I’m not even sure they can win one game in this series. Not only are the advanced stats against them, they were built by a guy who would make trades just to make trades. Tyler Seguin will show that he has the stuff to be a superstar during this round of games. #BostonStrong. Bruins in 5.