BREAKING NEWS: Ricky Hatton “distraught” over alleged boxing ‘career’

Fat alcoholic, cocaine-munching hamburger-rustler, Ricky Hatton, has come out and apologised unreservedly for being caught with a supposed career as a one-time world championship boxer, saying he is “distraught and distressed” about being considered as an athlete at any point during his worthless life.

In a sensational undercover video by The News of The World, the jabby chubster can clearly be seen in a boxing ring, fighting with an actual sportsman. Every fucker is dumbstruck.

Legendary PR twat, Max Clifford, who is consoling Hatton in his grey haired old man-boobs has leapt to Hatton’s defence, stating: “Yes, while the Ricky we all know and love is an arrogant arsehole of a man city fan, something we can sort of forgive him for, he is seeking counselling following his “career”. He’s come out and said he is deeply ashamed of avoiding a fight with Mayweather while he was in his twenties – and equally so for talking up the twelve or so ten-a-penny ruskies who ended up “fighting” him.

Clifford babbled on: “We aren’t even mad at him for personally sponsoring several illegal amateur boxing bouts in Manchester – which is a dangerous and completely stupid fucking idea – but these latest allegations will come as a shock to many people. Especially the thousands of ignorant thug-like fuckwits that somehow look up to him. …oh God, I’m the wrong fucking job, aren’t I? What have I done?!”

The latest revelation about Ricky isn’t the only story to have blighted the boxing game; Exotic flamenco dancer and reality TV whore, Joe Calzaghe was this year also said to have been Welsh at some point in his life.

Nobody can remember that far back, but apparently it’s true. Despite his Welshness, Joe was even alleged to have been allowed to travel to America to do boxing – on TV.

Joe didn’t quite understand what was being put to him, but didn’t deny the Welshness thing. He did, however, refute reports of a stateside visit, declaring: “My life is right here, on BBC one. Why the fuck would I want to dance in America?!”