Ok so I know many of you members are happily married so maybe you can help answer this question for me. How long would you wait to see if there is chemistry in a relationship? As some of you know from AL's recent article on dating, I tried eHarmony and broke things off with the guy because there was just no spark. Well, I met another guy from the site and we've been out 4 times now. The thing is, he's really sweet, thoughtful, and REALLY careful about my allergies. But, I just don't feel anything for him. He's ok to hang out with in the sense that I don't feel nervous around him or anything but again, no spark.

My parents always tell me that "you'll know" when you meet the person for you and I want to believe them because it was that way for them and after 27 years together, I practically feel their chemistry in the air. But my friend was saying that maybe I'm just scared? Part of me thinks that I'm scared to commit (why, I don't know) but the other part of me, my gut, is telling me that I would feel something more if I was with the right person. Part of me thinks I would just be settling because we have similar family backgrounds and values and while I know it's important to be on the same page for important issues, I also think that you should feel something by the 4th date. Am I right?

Part of me thinks that having allergies has somewhat screwed me over in the sense that dating when I was younger was pretty impossible since no 15 year old will sacrifice food for you. So I never got as much experience as my friends because I had to wait till I was old enough to find guys more into making commitments eventually. So now I just feel like I don't know what to expect in terms of what you're supposed to feel. I always go with my gut and my gut is telling me to back away but am I being stupid because I don't want to give it more of a shot? Maybe I am scared of commitment? I don't even know...part of me is telling me that if I felt a true spark with someone, I wouldn't even be having these thoughts? It would just be effortless...but maybe that's naive?

I'll talk to my parents too but I'd really like your opinions, especially if you understand what I mean from a delayed-dating-experience-because-of-allergies point of view.
Thanks guys!
Lisa

_________________Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

.part of me is telling me that if I felt a true spark with someone, I wouldn't even be having these thoughts?

I think you (and we all usually do) know already how you feel, you are just trying to talk yourself into taking a different direction than your gut already knows you want to take. BUT after 4 dates don't panic yet, give it a few more dates, in my opinion, the worst that could come of it is a great friend. He sounds amazing, he sounds kind and caring, he sounds like a guy you could be great friends with. You don't necessarily need sparks for a great relationship but I think you do need some kind of special connection. Never settle out of fear Mr. Right might not be out there. Your allergies now may push a relationship into 'serious sector' faster than you'd like to go, but think of this. Within one date how a guy reacts to your allergies you know instantly if he is a write off or not. No messing around, he's in or he's not. From there you find a guy out of your 'keeper' pool to see who you can really connect with on a friendship and romantic level.
I have a girlfriend who breaks up with guys constantly once the initial butterfly/beginning romance is over. The relationship, (the form the romance comes in ) does change and that is normal and ok. It doesn't go away it just kind of morphs into a different form. For example, flowers and chocolate hold the equivalent value in romance (a few years down the line) to having your partner block the door so you area able to go the bathroom without the door flying open by some screaming child hunting for a certain toy or item they are sure you mislaid.
Of course I have an almost 11 year old obsessed with Twilight, I admit I read the series before her to get a feel for what she wanted to read/watch. So even I was left wondering about how much chemistry a relationship should have I could use a huge does of my own Edward . Nothing like feeling you have no chemistry when comparing real life to a vampire epic!!!

Lisa, he might be Mr. right, the relationship is only 4 dates old and who knows how or when or in what form it will grow and 27 years from now..........
but if he's not Mr. Right, he is out there.

I have never heard anyone say they wished they hadn't listened to their gut instinct but I know plenty who said they wished they had listened.

I don't know how "happily married" I am (some days are better than others ) but I do know that the day I exchanged phone numbers with my husband was a day I travelled to my mom's. I told her about it and she kept saying, "This could be the one...I think he's the one!"

I kept bumping into him for years before we ever actually "met". (...and he didn't remember me- )

Neither of us we're looking for a relationship-it just happened.

I think it's wrong to stay in a relationship with someone whom you have no feelings for-it's just not fair to them. Go out and do things for yourself. Take a course, join a gym-do something that you enjoy and you'll meet others with similar interests.

Me, I met my husband on the grey coach bus, I gave him the old, "Is this seat taken?" No, honestly, I wanted to sit there!

Thanks a lot you guys! I talked about it with my mom as well this morning and she said the same thing, go with your gut. I just know (and this is the I-study-the-media-in-school part of me) that we are preconditioned into believing some things that just aren't real. Like when you watch a romantic comedy and everything always happens at the "perfect" moment, and they the "perfect" things to each other, etc. etc. But I recognize that no one and nothing is perfect which is why I felt weird for thinking that maybe I wasn't being fair to give it more time. But I really have no feelings for him, and that's not fair to him or me.

SO, I spoke with him today and oddly enough, he felt the same way. I was actually really relieved. He also said I was a really great person but he just didn't feel the chemistry.

I don't know why I felt so upset yesterday but I definitely agree that I'm just going to go on, live my life, get out there and put myself in a position that will allow me to meet guys with the same interests as me.

As always, for the advice!

_________________Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

I think you sound like a smart, lovely person Lisa and knowing what you want is half the battle. I am glad your talk went well with the 'guy'. It must be nice having a mom you can really confide in. I think just when you stop looking is usually when a relationship falls right into your lap. The night I met my husband I was out with a girlfriend and we had both vowed to take a break from men. I hooked my feet around the bar stool next to me without looking and when I moved it my 'to be' husband who was just about to sit down fell to the floor. He forgave me....and now 17 years later....... So when you least expect it ........................................

I know you guys are right because I've heard it before too (that when you're not looking is when it usually happens). But I guess I'm just craving that closeness that you feel when you're with someone you know you're meant to be with.

Regardless though, your advice and words of encouragement are really appreciated. I really am grateful for our little community here!

_________________Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

I'd basically resigned myself to a bachelorette life and 3 weeks later I met my now husband. I knew it was right pretty quickly, though I was worried at first that it was just because I was on the rebound. Just so you know, not having much dating experience isn't a bad thing, technically i've only had 2 boyfriends before I met my husband. Though i'm pretty young, I just knew when it was right, though we've only been together just over 3 years (married almost 2), i'm pretty happily married. I believe you'll just know.

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forumYou cannot reply to topics in this forumYou cannot edit your posts in this forumYou cannot delete your posts in this forumYou cannot post attachments in this forum