I’ve learned these lessons the hard way.
I struggled to quit smoking in the early 2000s, failing seven times before
finally succeeding in late 2005. I struggled with exercise habits, with changing
my horrible eating habits, with waking earlier and being more productive and
getting out of debt and simplifying my life.
I failed a lot, and still do. It was through those failures that these
hard-fought lessons emerged, and so I don’t resent any of the failures. I
recommend this attitude.
I’ve taught habits to thousands of people, in addition to changing dozens of
my own. Teaching what I’ve learned to others taught me even more.
And still I’m learning. That’s the fun part.
Changing habits is one of the most fundamental skills you can learn, because
it allows you to reshape your life. To reshape who you are. That’s truly
transformational.
I share these lessons not as Commandments from On High, but as things you
might try, in your journey of change and learning. Try them one or two at a
time, so you’re not overwhelmed. Come back to this list after you’ve done
that.
I hope they help.

When you make a small change, your ‘normal’ adjusts.
Imagine that you’re used to a whole set of conditions — if you deviate from
those conditions very much, you will be uncomfortable. Going to live in a
foreign country where you don’t speak the language, don’t know anyone, aren’t
used to the food, don’t understand the customs, don’t have the same kind of home
you’re used to … this can be very difficult. But if you make one tiny change,
it’s not very uncomfortable. And after a month or two, you adapt to this tiny
change, and it becomes part of the conditions that you’re used to. Your new
normal. Changing your life in small steps like this, one small change at a time,
is much easier and much more likely to succeed than making multiple huge changes
all at once. Gradually change your normal.

Small changes are easier to start. A big change not only
requires your mental commitment, but more time and effort. If you already have
your time tied up in other things, you’ll find it difficult to find the time to
start your new habit. You might do it once or twice (go to the gym for an hour)
but that habit is dead before it starts unless you put in an extraordinary
effort. A small change — just a few pushups in the morning, for example — is
much easier to get started. You could start it right now, in the middle of
reading this article. Making it easy to start a habit means you’re more likely
to actually do it.

Small changes are easier to sustain. If you start a big
change (go to the gym for 30 minutes every day!), you might actually be able to
start it with all the enthusiasm you have in the beginning. But that enthusiasm
wanes, depending on energy and sleep levels, what else is going on in your life,
disruptions in routine, etc. And eventually you’ll probably fail. But if you
make the habit very small when you start, you are much much more likely to
sustain it for longer. It’s easier to keep a small thing going than a big one.
And keeping it going is what matters.

Habits are tied to triggers. When the trigger happens, the
habit follows, if it’s been ingrained strongly as a habit. For example, for some
people, when they arrive at work, they immediately turn on their computer. And
then maybe immediately do another habit after that. The habit-trigger bond is
strengthened from lots of repetitions.

Habits with variable or multiple triggers are harder. If
you want to meditate every morning after waking and drinking your customary
glass of water (for example), it’s much easier to create a habit like this with
one daily trigger … as opposed to a habit that requires either 1) variable
triggers, like not reacting angrily when someone criticizes you (you don’t know
when that trigger will happen), or 2) several different kinds of triggers, such
as smoking which might be triggered by stress or other people smoking or
drinking alcohol or coffee, etc.

Learn to do easier types of habits first. If you try to do
hard types of habits (like ones with variable or multiple triggers, or ones that
you dislike or find very difficult), and you’re not skilled at creating habits,
you’re much less likely to succeed. I highly recommend doing easy habits first,
ones that only require a couple minutes a day, are tied to a single daily
trigger, and that you enjoy and find easy. What’s the point of trying to form an
easy habit? Well, you might find it harder than you think, but also, you’re
building your habit skills, and most importantly, you’re building trust in
yourself.

Build trust in yourself. What I lacked before I got better
at changing habits was trust that I would stick to a habit. Why? Because I’d
failed so often before, allowing myself to break promises to myself because it
was easier than sticking to the promises. It’s like if another person constantly
lies to you — you don’t trust that person anymore. The same is true of your
promises to yourself. And the solution is the same — to build trust slowly, with
small promises and small victories. This takes time. But it’s arguably the most
important thing you can do.

Incremental changes add up to huge changes. This might seem
to make sense on the surface, but I don’t think most people feel its truth in
their gut. We all want all the changes we want, right now. We can’t possibly
make ourselves give up a few of those changes for awhile, to focus on one,
because then we wouldn’t get what we want, right now. I’ve seen this so many
times — people want to make 10 changes at once, and can’t choose just one to
focus on. But doing lots of changes at once, or big changes, means you are less
likely to succeed. But if you stick with small changes, you’ll see some powerful
long-term change. Try making small changes to your diet and activity levels —
after a year, you’ll be way fitter than before. Try learning something a little
at a time — if you can make it a habit and stick with it, you’ll be way better
at it in six months. This is what I’ve seen in my life, and it’s been dramatic
in scope.

It doesn’t matter which change you focus on first. We’re
not in it for the short game, we’re in it for the long game. It can be hard to
figure out which change to make right now, because that means giving up lots of
other important changes. And I’ve seen people agonize over which change to make
first, because they think the order matters. Sure, maybe it would be optimal to
learn to meditate first, before making eating changes, but you know what’s not
optimal? Making no changes. Over the long term, if you pick one small change at
a time, you’ll have all the important habits formed. So honestly, just pick the
one you feel like doing the most — the one that you’ll enjoy most.

Energy and sleep levels matter a lot. I wrote about this recently, but if you
are sleep-deprived, you’ll be tired and have little energy to focus on habit
changes. That’s fine when your enthusiasm for your new habit is high, but the
moment things get even a little difficult, you’ll skip the habit because you
don’t have the willpower to push yourself through a little discomfort. Sleep
matters.

Dealing with disruptions in routine is a learned skill. One
of the most common causes of habit failure is disruption in routine — taking a
trip, having a big work project that requires you to work late, having visitors,
having a cold. These kinds of things change your normal routines, which do a
couple things to the habit you’re forming: 1) the trigger might not happen (if
you’re sick you might not get up and shower, for example, if showering is your
trigger), and 2) you might get so busy/tired that you don’t have time/energy to
do the habit. So how do you deal with this obstacle? Anticipate it. Know that it
will happen (yes, everyone’s routine gets disrupted). Plan to either take a
break while you’re traveling (for example), or have a new trigger while your old
one is temporarily disrupted. This kind of anticipation and planning is a skill
that you can learn, and this skill makes you better at creating new habits.

Think ahead to avoid foreseeable obstacles. Other than
disruptions to your routine, there are other things you can anticipate. For
example, if you’re changing your eating habit (say, no sugar) and you’re going
to a restaurant with friends or a birthday party, what will you eat? What will
your strategy be if there’s sugar (which there will be)? If you forget about it
and wait until it happens, you’ll be unprepared and less likely to stick to your
habit. How and where will you work out when you travel? Anticipate and prepare.

Watch your self-talk. We all talk to ourselves. It’s just
not always obvious, because the self-talk happens in the back of our heads,
unnoticed most of the time. That’s normal, but when the self-talk is negative,
it can absolutely ruin a habit change. If your self-talk is a series of things
like, “This is too hard, I can’t do this, why am I making myself suffer, it’s OK
to cheat, it’s OK to quit, this is too hard, I hate this” … you need to either
catch it, or you’ll likely fail. You have to become aware of what you’re saying
to yourself, and recognize that it’s not true. Then tell yourself things that
are positive. This is a key habit skill.

Get good at watching but not acting on urges. When you see
the urge to smoke, or eat a whole bag of Doritos, or not meditate, or
procrastinate, or not go on your morning run … you can pause and watch it but
not act on that urge. The urge usually goes unnoticed, and you just act on it.
But you can watch it, and not act. You can give yourself a choice. At the moment
you’re watching, dig deep and remember your powerful motivations.

Have powerful motivations. It’s easy to say, “Sure, I’d
love to learn to program!” It sounds nice. But something that sounds nice isn’t
going to stick when things get a little hard. You need to have a very strong
motivation — wanting to have better health so you won’t suffer as much, wanting
to create a good life for your kids, wanting to help people in need. Looking
good is not a good motivator, but feeling strong and empowered is. Write your
motivation down. Remind yourself of it when things get hard.

Use accountability to engineer positive & negative feedback
loops. Feedback loops help steer you to doing a habit long enough for
it to be ingrained as a habit … or they help steer you away from a habit. Sugar
and drugs have feedback loops that are good for forming habits (you get pleasure
from doing the habit, suffer if you don’t), while exercise often has the wrong
feedback loops (it’s hard to do the habit, enjoyable to watch TV and skip the
habit). However, we can re-engineer the feedback loops, and accountability is
one of the best ways of doing that. If you’re going to meet a friend at 6am to
go on a run, you’d feel really bad if you missed the run, and feel good about
going on the run with your friend and enjoying the conversation. Boom. New
feedback loop. Same thing when you blog about your habit to an audience, or join
an accountability team.

Challenges work really well. Short-term challenges of 2-6
weeks can be really motivating. Maybe it’s a challenge between two people (you
and a friend), or a group challenge. It’s a form of accountability that’s fun
and, again, revises the feedback loop in a good way. Examples of challenges: no
sugar for a month, work out every day for 21 days, stick to a diet for 6 weeks,
etc.

Exceptions lead to more exceptions. It’s really easy to
justify not doing your new habit (or doing an old habit you’re trying to quit)
by saying, “Just one time won’t hurt.” Except that it will, because now you
think it’s OK to make exceptions. And now you don’t really trust yourself to
stick to your promise to yourself. It’s much more effective to not make
exceptions — catch yourself if you’re thinking about it and trying to justify
it, and remember your motivations. When I quit smoking, I told myself Not One
Puff Ever (NOPE).

The habit is the reward — it’s not a chore. Adding external
rewards can be a useful way to have good feedback for doing the habit, but the
best possible reward is internal. The reward is doing the habit. Then you get
the reward immediately, not later. For example, if you think exercise sucks,
you’re getting bad feedback as you do the habit — you won’t stick to it for
long. But if you can find ways to enjoy the exercise (do it with a friend, see
the enjoyable aspects of exercise, play a sport that you love, go on a hike with
awesome views, etc.) then you’re getting positive feedback as you do the habit.
Change your thinking — the habit is lovely, a reward in and of itself, a way to
care for yourself. Do not think of it as a chore you need to get done, or you’ll
avoid it.

Lots of habits at once means you’ll probably fail. Go ahead
and try an experiment: do 5 new habits at once. See how many you’re successful
with. Then try one habit only, and see how long you stick to that. In my
experiments, one habit is much more successful than two at a time, and
exponentially more successful than 5-10 habits at once.

Recognize when you’re getting distracted. In the beginning,
we can get very focused on a new habit, and have lots of energy to put into it.
But other things can come up and we might find a new shiny toy to get excited
about … and soon the old habit change is falling to the wayside. This has
happened to me many times. Now, I’m not saying a habit needs to take up all your
mindspace and free time. That’s not healthy either. But you should be able to
focus on it for a small amount of time each day, and still enjoy it and look
forward to it. If that’s falling away, re-examine your motivation and
priorities, and either drop the habit or re-focus.

A blog is an amazing tool. As I said, accountability makes
a huge difference in your habit’s feedback loops. Blogging is a great way to get
accountability. And as you’re sharing what you’ve been doing and what you’re
learning, you are forced to reflect on your habit, which makes what you learn
about the habit and yourself a much deeper experience.

Failure is a learning tool. You will fail in your habit
attempts — that’s a given. But instead of seeing it as a failure of you as a
person (it’s not), see it as a way to learn about yourself and habit change.
Each person is different — what works for me won’t necessarily work for you. And
you won’t know until you try it and fail. When you fail, you learn something
new, and that helps you get better.

How you deal with failure is key. When many people fail,
they feel bad about themselves and give up. This is why they have such a hard
time changing habits. If instead they got back up and tried again, perhaps with
an adjustment to their method (some new accountability, for example), they’d
obviously have a much higher chance of success. The people who succeed at habits
aren’t people who never fail — they’re people who keep going after they fail.

Adjust or die. On a related note, habit change is about
learning to adjust. New job? That will change things, so you’ll need to adjust
your habit. Missed a few days? Figure out what’s going wrong and adjust. Habit
isn’t enjoyable? Find a new way to make it enjoyable. Self-talk sabotaging your
habit change? Focus on becoming aware of your self-talk so you can solve that
problem. Adjust, adjust, adjust.

Enlist support. Who will you turn to when things get hard?
When you need encouragement? When you fail? Have a support buddy — I had one
when I was quitting smoking, and I’ve used it other times as well. If you start
out without support, and fail, that’s OK — adjust by finding someone to help
you. That might be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling or co-worker.
Or maybe you find a support group online. It makes a big difference.

You limit yourself. Lots of times I suggest people give up
something like cheese or sugar or beer, at least for a little while. They
respond: “I could never give up my cheese!” (or meat, or sweets, etc.) Well,
that’s true if you believe it. However, I’ve learned that we often think we
can’t do something when really we can. I recently talked to someone who was
absolutely sure she couldn’t give up baked goods. She limits herself with this
belief. We all do to some extent — but if you can examine your beliefs and be
willing to test them out, you’ll often find out they’re not true.

Set up your environment for success. If you’re going to
give up sweets, get rid of all the sweets in your house. Ask your spouse to
support you by not making or buying sweets for a little while. Tell friends
you’re not eating sweets and ask them to support you. Yes, this can require
others to make adjustments, but if you ask nicely for their help, often they’ll
be glad to support you. But the point is, find ways to create an environment
where you’re likely to succeed. Create accountability, reminders, support, a
lack of temptations and distractions, etc.

Just lace up your shoes & get out the door. Reduce the
barrier to starting the habit. If I need to go for a run, often I’ll think about
how hard it is, how long it will take, how cold it will be, etc., and I’ll
psyche myself out and not do it. But when my rule is, “Just lace up my shoes and
get out the door”, that’s so easy it’s hard to say no. That’s my bar. As easy as
possible. Once I’m out the door, I’m invariably glad I started and things go
well. For meditating, just get your butt on the cushion. For writing, just open
up your writing program and write a sentence.

Define your breaks. If you’re going to be traveling and
know that you can’t stick to your habit, for example, set the dates of your
habit break in advance, rather than letting it slide and then thinking that
you’ve failed. And have the date when you’re going to get back on track, and set
a reminder so you don’t forget. This will keep a planned event from completely
derailing your habit change.

Habits are situational. A habit is tied to a trigger, but
really, the trigger is an environment. So if your trigger is your morning
shower, that’s great, but it’s not the shower itself. The trigger is taking the
shower in your home, getting out, seeing a something in your bathroom that
somehow triggers the impulse to go and meditate (or whatever your habit is). So
if you take a shower in a different bathroom in your house, or in a hotel, the
trigger doesn’t happen. The same is true if you got a phone call as you got out
of the shower, or your wife comes and gives you a hug, both disrupting the
trigger. Anyway, there’s not much you can do with this info, as you can’t
control all the things in your environment, but being aware of subtle
environmental changes that affect your habit can help you to understand what’s
going on.

Learn to cope in other ways. Often your bad habits are ways
of coping with a real need — like needing to cope with stress or bad feelings
about yourself or a fight with a loved one. The need to cope with these things
won’t go away, and so bad habit becomes a crutch. You can find other ways of
coping that are healthier, so you don’t need the crutch anymore. Read more.

Be kind to yourself. You will fail, and you can be hard on
yourself and feel guilty and think that you’re crap. That won’t help at all.
Being kind to yourself is a good habit skill, if you pair it with an adjustment
that allows you to improve your habit method. To be kind to yourself: remind
yourself of how hard it is to be happy, and that you’re struggling to find
happiness despite things that cause you stress and frustration and anger and
irritation and disappointment. This is hard. Have empathy with yourself. Be
understanding and compassionate. It will help you as you adjust and try again.

Perfect is the enemy. Often people strive for perfection,
but this stands in the way of progress. Progress is much more important than
perfection. If you find yourself not starting a habit because you want the
perfect circumstances, or not meditating because you want the perfect time or
space, or not writing because you want the perfect tool, or not being happy
because you haven’t been perfect with your habit — drop your expectations and
just do the habit.

A workout partner works wonders. For exercise, the most
effect method for me is to have a workout partner. That’s true whether I’m going
to the gym, taking a Crossfit or yoga class, going for a run or hike. When I
don’t have a workout partner, my frequency can often drop. This concept can be
applied to any habit that you’re struggling with.

Habit changes are tools for self-learning. Habit changes
aren’t just ways to add a new thing to your life. They’re tools for learning
about yourself. Through habit change, you learn about what motivates you, about
self-talk and rationalization, about urges, about internal vs. external rewards,
about weaknesses and kindness, about progress and empowerment. You can learn
more about yourself through a few months of habit change than you have in the
last decade, if you pay attention. And in that way, habit change is an extremely
rewarding process, regardless of the outcome.