Written.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

the animal thirteen

The next morning another fight had started between Nathan and Julien. This time I was in the kitchen, sipping on my coffee, my hair already in my bun as I was watching them fight, nearly comically because they would try not to hit each other too hard so that no blood would be spilled and would try to keep their mouths entirely closed without screaming so that no saliva would drop on the floor. This time they had been fighting because Nathan had decided to flirt with Julien in his own morning’s coffee as I had understood from watching around the middle of the beginning of the flirtations from the older man. During the fight it had escalated to the knowledge that Nathan had known some older man which was with Julien. To which I presumed was the teacher and that just made me far more interested in watching their usual fight, which became so usual that it lasted through Dick getting his morning yoghurt while patting me on the back with a greeting, Peter had walked in, evading them through as he walked in the corridor, excusing himself as he nearly touched Nathan and got his own breakfast.

Dick had stayed with me and I felt bad pointing out to him that his nail polish had chipped badly, as I recalled his mother, but he had been awake for many nights working so it was a miracle he was even up now. I watched his circles under his eyes, as he just sat in some black tanktop with his binder sticking out a bit on the hem. He just smirked asking me who was winning and that’s when I told him that they were fighting over an older gentleman who Nathan had known and was linked to Julien.

So, Dick had clicked his tongue, moving in his seat, that meant that we had another queer man in the house then and that seemed to give the fire in the man’s eyes, as he possibly wondered what would cause Julien to sleep with him since he was in a never-ending quest to get laid with everyone who wasn’t Dick’s boyfriend. I didn’t tell him that it was Julien’s teacher, even if I was itching, I figured that Lazarus was one to share that secret with and the said notebook.

The darkness was starting to get to me, I just felt far more trapped and I couldn’t properly look outside of the window without seeing streetlights which lit up nearly nothing and I felt strangled by the darkness which was just daunting. It just felt awful to barely see any sunlight and with waking up later each day I started getting used to the idea that eventually I wouldn’t see any sun at all.

I noticed that the more I spent time with Dick the more I’d notice him eying Julien and I didn’t know how long would it take for me to get the courage to ask him, when was he going to do anything at all and if he were, what would he even do? Instead I just kept quiet and once I told Lazarus about it, he just laughed at me and called me jealous because he’s obviously read that I wanted to dive into Julien’s pants and he enjoyed reading about the bike ride. I couldn’t muster up the courage to actually walk up to Julien and ask him out again, because I had no idea what would I be able to even ask and where to. It seemed to drain out my head because nothing had happened and I was still on the way of getting to know Julien. So maybe I shouldn’t be so attached, but then I wasn’t. I was just curious and I had only known about him and his teacher.

I tried knocking on his door the other day, but he had been out and ever since he’s had that fight with Nathan he’s been out a lot. I wondered what was on his mind, what was gracing it and how come he’d been avoiding being in so often.

I ended up spending far more time with Dick instead up to the point that he had decided to invite me bowling and we split the bill, and decided to eat out later as well. Dick ended up being quite good at it and while I was waiting for his turn to end, I couldn’t help but realize how bored I had felt these past days. I had really tried not to spend anything at all, but I had no idea how to make other friends other than Lazarus, who frankly never left his house other than to get food. Julien was absent and Dick himself was just bored as he had admitted.

Now I didn’t hide the fact that I wrote a lot in my notebook, I did it openly in front of Dick as well, as he bowled. I never really described Dick besides his dark undercut and how he was actually very good looking and I presumed that if he’d want to reveal his face on Grindr he’d even manage to cruise a lot more, but instead he kept it under wraps, having an oval face but still lacking proper facial hair. He had wanted to do Movember but said he’d only get a neckbeard which was something Lazarus had sported a while ago and frankly hadn’t suited him at all and ended up being a reason for everyone to snicker until he went back to his usual clean shave. I had noticed that there was now much less of Dick’s boyfriend these days and as I bowled I wondered what had been going on between the two men. I decided not to ask for the sole fact that we’ve decided to keep our distance, but as I threw the ball I realized

we are friends.

Hey Dick, I asked, as he jumped up lightly, he was used to people mostly calling him Richard while Dick was actually a nickname I heard his boyfriend call him once and because I thought he was a dick that stuck to him in my mind and every time I’d let it slip Dick would look at me surprised with his dark eyes, so how are you and the boyfriend.

Dick just frowned.

He told me that actually things weren’t so smooth because the other had discovered his Grindr profile and that was causing both of them trouble, because they didn’t want to open it and neither did they want to end it. The trans man rubbed his eyes, yawning, but he still seemed concerned and it dawned on me that his earlier waking was most likely due to his now released insomnia monster. I wondered how bad did he sleep, but I didn’t ask, throwing the ball again and watching a split show up, cursing. We didn’t have that much time left, but we were surely making the most of the time bowling. I wondered how come his boyfriend didn’t chop off his hands for it, but I figured it’s a good thing that they’re trying to work it out somehow. I didn’t know how anyone could work out after cheating and having something so complicated that one decided not to trust the other, but it wasn’t my relationship to begin with and Dick had cheated so many times that I wasn’t the only exception.

Dick threw the ball and missed.

I kept looking at him from behind, already wearing a sweater with polar bears and anchors and penguins. I wondered how the fuck was he going to survive the holidays and what were his plans now that he and his boyfriend weren’t too well together. I didn’t get surprised when Dick offered to pay again for another hour and his hands were trembling, he surely wanted to get away from it all and I couldn’t blame him. On the opposite, I felt happy that we were both getting away from things we didn’t want to deal with.

I started pondering on searching further for a different apartment and far more extensively than I ever have. I decided to face my fears and actually bother to call up people, even ask Lazarus to help me. As I asked Lazarus I realized that I was actually sad that I wouldn’t be able to see someone as often as I saw Lazarus. I wondered if he was sad about it, but he just went on to translate flat ads from Swedish to me and laughing all of the scams. Maybe he wouldn’t be as sad to see me leave, until he mentioned that he’d travel through the night to get some sugar off me, laughing at me. I felt at ease after his words. I surely didn’t want to let go off him even if he was odd and I was sure that me living elsewhere and him visiting would do Lazarus some good, since he barely walked outside. He’d walk to the supermarket which was away for sure, but all he would do is possibly stop and stare at the ducks for a while. That had been it. Then he’d proceed to do all the groceries which included a few kilos of sugar.

-

I gave Max a manbun because I want one, once I start T that is xD

I get really bad in winter due to the lack of sunlight and since I live in Sweden it gets as bad as going dark at 2 pm, which is a full nightmare to be honest.

The sweater Dick has is something I have, actually.

I'm sorry for the very unexciting backstory, it's really because nothing was going on, nothing was happening and I just kept writing out of my pure brain, with no associations even.

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Writing just seems to be the form where examples are the simplest and situations the realest.

My frustration is the fuel which my characters face and just limiting the value of my writing to good prose is Kubrick cutting the end of A Clockwork Orange to make a shallow movie about violence.

My work is my anger and everyone's anger at ignorance at those who will limit anyone to the background.

The further work is not about love, love is the aid to get us through society which we've created, born into and have to struggle with every day.

And love is the fuel, the fuel to the anger which I have to bear for being queer and deviant.

And I am not a love story. I am not something to cry over. I am something which should make you realize if you are at a privileged position that you should make a change, if you are discriminated, that you are not alone, that we should all have this fuel and should never just be limited to love.

Because our anger is valid.

We became our anger, so that the love will not only nourish us now, but later when all is done and we are no longer deviant to a society who hates itself.

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I do not own any of the character, band or other names based off real persons and groups; they served only as inspiration for my characters in the stories, whose rights I own. The works published herein and elsewhere by me are entirely fictional, and any resemblance to real life events is merely coincidental. No libel or slander is intended.