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Monday, July 9, 2012

A Cot Full of Kid Glue and Toy Weapons

Last night, I awoke to the sound of Drew's blood-curdling screams coming from his bedroom. It was the worst alarm clock ever.

Moms, are you feeling me on this one? It sucks, right? Before you're even awake, you throw back the covers and jump out of bed. You run halfway to your child's bedroom but your husband hasn't even rolled over yet. Ahem. Your heart is pounding because you don't know what you'll find when you get there.

What if I have to fight off an intruder? (Good thing I've watched the Karate Kid so many times. Wax on, wax off, mo-fo!)

What if he's lying in a pool of vomit? (I sure hope he can swim his way out of it. Does the Red Cross teach that class?)

But instead, I went monster hunting.

I feel so tough now. I think I'll get a tattoo. And maybe even score my own monster hunting reality TV show on the Discovery Channel.

Mama, help me! It's a MONSTER!
Baby, it's okay. There's no monster.
Uh, huh. LOOK. It's right there! SEE. On my pillow!
No, honey, it was just a bad dream.
It was so scary, Mama! Can I come to your bed? Please?

Now a decision has to be made. Do I get wide awake while trying to get him back to sleep in his bed OR do I take the easy route and bring him into my room?

FYI: If the easy route is ever an option, I'm takin' it. And since I only had 3 hours of sleep before the slightly less horrifying alarm clock was going to go off, I carried Drew to my room.

Brian and I have a king-size bed, but when one of the kids crawls in there, it magically transforms into a single cot. Suddenly we're sleeping on top of each other and sweating like our bed is divided by the Equator.

Drew always insists on bringing a bunch of toys with him. Look, honey. I feel sorry for you - really I do - but I can honestly say that I don't give a crap if your Spiderman is eaten by a one-eyed monster or not. And this cot's not big enough for all 47 of you.

Pfft. I talk such a big game. Do you know how many toys Drew put in our bed? Exactly 47.

I wanted to sleep, but it's impossible to sleep when you're lying on top of a stuffed animal safari. Those 10-inch toys felt like they were 10-feet tall. And their cotton-stuffed limbs became razor-sharp spears that punctured my ribs.

You don't know pain until your back has been sliced open by Percy's coal car. He may look like a harmless train to you - but to me, he looks more like a Japanese Shuriken.

Don't let that face fool you. HE'S PURE EVIL.

That's when Drew's body created some sort of freakish adhesive because he was GLUED TO ME. If I turned, he turned. If I coughed, he coughed. No matter what I did, I couldn't escape. He would have been my Siamese twin if I was a 3-year-old boy who weighed 30-pounds.

For the next 3-hours, I tried to quietly detach myself from the new appendage cleverly disguised as my son. All the while, tossing and turning through a landmine full of toy trains and stuffed animals.

I don't know the exact demensions of space that my body typically occupies in the bed, but whatever it is, I had about 2-feet less than that.

Mathematicians haven't invented a sleep number that can make this overnight arrangement comfortable. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into thoughts of me running away to a tropical island full of Tempur-Pedic mattresses and goose down comforters.

And just as I was drifting back to sleep, the alarm clock went off. But luckily, it was the one that I could throw across the room and nobody cares.

So if you need to get in touch with me later, don't bother. I'm sleeping.

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Thanks, girl! My daughter always slept with us, and for a while there, I thought I might have to go off to college with her! ;) Drew doesn't crawl in bed with us too often, so I shouldn't complain about it... but I do anyway. :)

OMG THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT HERE. My husband is dead to the world when he sleeps and I HATE IT. 2 am the other night my daughter yelled MOMMY! Over and over and over, I ran in, "can I have more water please?" Seriously?????????! You are hilarious, I love you blog, can we be friends?

Thank you so much for the good laugh! You are hilarious!! I LOVE your blog!! This was me a few nights ago with my 3 yo son too... crazy stuff! I feel sorry for my mom because I used to sleep with her all the time when I was younger and I see how miserable I am as a parent now... God bless her!

Hahaha. Last night Hunter got in our bed after a bad dream and I woke up on a 3" sliver of the bed and sweating from all the extra limbs holding on to me. I went and got in his bed...when Audrey decided that 5am was a good time to get up, I put her in bed with me and gave her a monster truck, a dinosaur with wings, and a phone to play with. Exhausted is an understatement.

I love your stories. Great way to wake up after a night of pering every two hours and hot flashes. No. I'm not preggo. Freaking hormonal surges. Glad none of my 3 came in. The monster in their room would've been a whole lot less scarier than waking me up.

My child doesn't bring the toys, but he steals my pillow and covers and tries to slowly shove me to the floor. I woke up aching on a sliver of bed, freezing with no pillow. I didn't complain because I figured at least my husband was sleeping if I was being tortured. No, he had gone to sleep in my son's queen size bed...all alone with all that space without little legs and arms in his spine. I guess the torture I received was for pure sport. LOL

"Wax on, wax off, mo-fo" is my new motto! I'm with you on the easy way out - this is why my 14-month-old baby is sleeping on my lap at 1:40am. It's the only way to prevent that crying stuff I don't like dealing with.