Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Gag Me With a Spoon Brake

Built in 1492 by Christopher Columbus, it is one of New York City's most famous landmarks.

I'm also willing to sell it to you at a deep discount. Simply contact me offline and I'll give you payment instructions:

As an erstwhile Brooklynite I've traversed the Brooklyn Bridge by bicycle many times, and like most New York City cyclists I've got a love/hate relationship with it. I love it because it is iconic, it's fun to ride over wooden planks, and it's more convenient than the other Brooklyn/Manhattan East River crossings. And I hate it because the bike lane is often impassible due to the massive number of tourists the bridge receives:

This is not to say I begrudge the tourists their unfettered access to the bridge--far from it. It's one of the world's most recognizable landmarks, and as such it's foolish not to expect throngs of flyover rubes and Euro-cheeseballs to converge upon it with their stupid pants and their moronic selfie sticks. I don't even begrudge them their tendency to stand in the middle of the bike lane--often right on top of the bike lane symbol itself--for when confronted with the beauty of the New York City skyline as viewed through those prophylactic-shaped arches one cannot help but go all agog. So to expect somebody in this state of exhilaration to notice some painted lines and some faded bicycle silhouettes is not only naive but frankly inconsiderate to our sales tax-paying visitors.

I mean sure, I've been tempted to Chris Froome a tourist now and again, but on balance their benign cluelessness is far less offensive than the Cat 6 doofuses who plow through anyway, ringing their bells and yelling "Bike lane, bike lane!" at all the selfie-tards when there's another tourist-free bridge not much more than a bike throw away.

Pedestrian counts on peak days tripled between 2008 and 2015, and bike counts nearly doubled, according to the Times. Typical weekday traffic is now 10,000 pedestrians and 3,500 cyclists. Still, those numbers probably don’t come close to capturing how many people would bike or walk across the bridge if the path were not so cramped.For pedestrians, there’s not enough space to walk past other people or line up that perfect shot of the Lower Manhattan skyline and stay within the confines of the walking path. For cyclists, the bridge is pure stress, dodging and weaving and trying to avoid collisions with people who stray into the bike path. It has become a bottleneck in the bike network, putting people off cycling across or compelling them to take indirect routes via the Manhattan Bridge instead.

Come on, do they really need a study to prove that the path needs widening? I coulda told you that shit for free. And it's not like cyclists haven't been lobbying for a better bike lane since...oh, I dunno, 1897?

If you think dodging tourists with selfie sticks is frustrating, just imagine how annoying it was to dodge Victorians marveling at the miracle of rail travel while riding a bicycle equipped only with a spoon brake:

Yes, the Jugum Penis stopped onanism in its tracks faster than a spoon brake stops a safety bicycle.

Anyway, all of this is to say that the impending DOT study is an encouraging sign that the situation on the Brooklyn Bridge might improve for both pedestrians and cyclists sometime during the late 22nd century. Meanwhile, politicians will continue to fight every attempt to toll the motor vehicle traffic that occupies an unconscionable portion of this great structure.

Speaking of "scorchers" and "surplus speed," you've almost certainly heard by now about how American rider Mara Abbott was overtaken at the line in the Olympic road race:

RIO DE JANEIRO (VN) — They were tidal, Mara Abbott’s eyes, glistening pools that dried out only in brief moments of distraction from the all-encompassing loss. She stood in front of the media and pulled herself together and answered questions until she couldn’t, and we couldn’t, anymore.

One hundred fifty meters from gold. Four seconds after nearly four hours of racing. Imagine it, and know that the pain of defeat is magnified by its proximity to triumph. “You’ll never have that chance again in your entire life,” Abbott said, as the weight of a truth seemed to settle on her.

See, apparently some races are borderline sacrosanct, so when competitors crash its tragic:

Alone in search of gold, van Vleuten crashed horribly. A fistfull of rear brake led to a skid. She flipped and smashed into a deep curb. It sent her to the hospital with a concussion and spinal fractures.

Abbott shot back into the lead, past a crumpled competitor. Another moment forever on replay, surely: the instant she stepped into the race lead and went from pursuer to pursued. She refocused as she’s done so many times. “Shocking things happen and surprising things happen and you just have to keep your focus and keep going,” she said. “It’s a really creepy single-mindedness.”

Whereas other races are simply "idiotic," so when they crash it's because they're "idiots:"

The guy was a 19-year-old from Massachusetts. He had climbed over the rail that separates the path from the concrete ledge. Mr. De Leon, 61, started riding across the bridge two or three months ago after a cranky knee brought an end to his running. He remains a trim, fit man for whom the bike ride is exertion but not exhaustion. “I never stop when I’m riding,” he said.Except last Thursday.

160. To those who think that all this sounds like science fiction, we point out that yesterday’s science fiction is today’s fact. The Industrial Revolution has radically altered man’s environment and way of life, and it is only to be expected that as technology is increasingly applied to the human body and mind, man himself will be altered as radically as his environment and way of life have been.

Interestingly (to me), here in Cincinnati we have the John A. Roebling Suspension bridge. Its designer went on to make the Brooklyn Bridge, and you can see the similarities in design. The Cincy bridge is quite smaller, though, and has no pedestrian lanes.

...honestly, I have more derision for the dorks who yell at tourists on the Brooklyn bridge. What do you expect if you go across this marvel at a time when the sun is setting behind the skyline? ding-ding, BIKE LANE.. BIKE LANE.

...personally, if I cycle across it, it's because I am in no rush. If in rush, then I go to that ugly, loud, obnoxious, rusty, bridge that has expansion joints in the bike path every five feet to help bring on early onset arthritis. And then I yell at any peds there if they happen to be in the bike lane... cuz fuck them, they should go and walk across the other beautiful bridge.

The Olympics crash is pretty awful to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp08WGXEGa4 has it (until the IOC get the video removed, I guess). It is a much worse landing than that sort of thing usually has.

Manhattan bridge sounds a lot like the Golden Gate bridge. beware tourists with handlebar bags and Cat 6'rs being reckless. but the space is limited, lots of maintenance lockers and things to avoid as well as strong/cold winds. I am glad to hear its not just us here in SF with that problem.

Holy fuck that was a brutal crash. Worse than my floating shoulder cause she was going 50 American, not 50 Canadian. And that curb. Ouch. That's what did her spine in. They maybe shoulda sprayed foam insulation along there for the games. It is a stomach churning crash, that's for sure. Poor girl: that sucks.

Maaaaan, I can feel her pain. Cause that's the kindov gal I'm. A note of hope, though. A friend of mine suffered a concussion and spinal fractures during a race in the Okanagan this year, and while you never make a true blue full recovery from any major injury, she's already out training again. Um, and now she's wearing a mips lid, too. Just sayin.

And about yesterday's post? Heh heh. You're on a long, strong winning streak, Snobi Wan. That was brilliant. I loved the list of reasons why Freds don't cheat. Heh. Hits home, that. Only maybe I'm not a proper Frederica, cause in my tiny little mind, sex is the only good reason to skip a ride. And sure, it sucks to be a cyclist in the market for a squeeze, but that's really only because there aren't enough chicklet Freds out there. It's pretty sweet for us, given the ratios of guys to gals. Why, I've had two marriage proposals this week, and those were just from strangers I met out on the road!! I will never understand why there aren't more women into cycling. The vistas are amazing even if you're not looking far afield: hot bikes, hot guys, hot asses... what more could a girl ask for??

This year was my first year watching the Red Hook Critérium and I was pretty impressed with the course design. Instead of going for the Red Bull / NASCAR / Moto GP "I'm watching this because the possibility of a crash is high and the possibility of harm to others stimulates my utterly banal life" crowd, it seemed like the course had been designed to require slowing down as much as speeding up. I didn't get Caley's hate for it before I watched and I got it even less after. I honestly forgot they were on fixed-gear bikes at certain points.

I started watching the women's road race, got distracted, had to go run errands, etc and never did catch back up with it. Something about a crash - did anybody happen to see how many there were the previous day - sending a few high profile names to the hospital? It was a brutal course. I guess I don't have too much sympathy for her at the end. She put in a lot of effort but it wasn't enough to not run out of gas while three other riders overtake her. What were they supposed to do, let her win? Anyway, so America lost a medal there. Looks like we are mopping them up in swimming.I often wonder what the commentary is like in other countries and what they say about us.

We have a couple of spots like yer bridge round these parts, places where it's best just to stay away when the gawkers come out to play. But they're always lovely at stoopid o'clock in the morning, and they're alright on a wet day, too. Way way early is the best time to ride, full stop, cause all dem dere lazy-assed motorists are still asleep in bed. And according to an RCMP fred (only in Canada, eh?), there are far fewer drunks out on the roads at five am than there are at seven, eight or nine. Cause they tie one on, go home, sleep for a few hours, then wake up and figure they're good to go when they oh so are not.

Finally saw the Van Vleuten crash. Ouch! Looked like she hit her back/ribs hard and came down on her head. And then there was the French gymnast who broke his leg and when he lifted it back up the lower half flopped the wrong way. Apparently the paramedics dropped his stretcher getting him into the ambulance.

Hell, the day before in the men's race, two guys in the lead group crashed out, leaving the lone breakaway to be caught in sight of the finish.

The difference was the men crashed off camera, and the motorcycle caught up with them afterwards (nibali et al were descending faster than the motorcycle), while in the women's race, we saw Van Vlerten hit the curb. Just before impact, her rear wheel locked up and started to skid. You could feel it coming before she hit like a fucktonne of bricks. (Canadian spelling)

After watching the Real Sports with Bryant Gumble episode about the Olympics last week and seeing that douchetard Hein Verbruggen interviewed I have decided to forego watching Olympics as much as possible. The way the IOC sucks up to China and Russia, claiming to be a nonprofit humanitarian organization while raking in the dough is appalling.

God bless the cyclist who stopped and saved the young man. (sorry to be so serious)This guys walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch. After a few beers he says, .....

It's way more frustrating to ride a women's race than it is to race with the men, or at least that's been my experience. The men are willing to attack and to pull through to the front, wherea the girls all try to sit in and draft till the very end, which is good rececraft, sure, as long as you're not the big dummy sitting out in front. Erm, that would be me. Strong like bull, smart like tractor. Wait, there are a few smart tractors out there these days. Smart like boulder.

I had a walk on part, well really crawl on, in Pierre's Hole 50 Deuxième Partie "Le Trou Ensemble". I played young Pierre's third cousin who accidentally crawls into a storm drain headfirst and is only able to be rescued from the hole after prolonged and vigorous thrusting.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!