New Year's Predictions

By Features Staff

Friday

Dec 31, 2010 at 12:01 AM

It’s anyone’s guess what will happen in 2011.

Here are our predictions for the wild and woolly worlds of entertainment, sports and government.

January

l In an overtime thriller, the Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Washington Capitals 9-8 to win the NHL Winter Classic in front of 69,000 Heinz Field fans. Later that night, ESPN’s “Sports Center” doesn’t show any highlights, though it does briefly scroll the score at the bottom of the screen next to reports of what LeBron James had for lunch and around-the-clock updates on whether Brett Favre is or isn’t retired.

l Realizing the silliness of making supermarket shoppers take Breathalyzer tests, Pennsylvania launches a more sensible approach for selling wine in grocery stores. Now before buying a bottle, shoppers merely must stand on one foot, touch a finger to their nose and recite the alphabet backward as a cop shines a flashlight in their eyes.

l WPXI News interviews ex-Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed for its sports anchor vacancy left by the retiring John Fedko. “I don’t have to talk real loud, wear suspenders, and pretend like I care about high school football, do I?” Reed asks.

February

l Hours after the Super Bowl ends, NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell issues a $75,000 fine against the Steelers’ James Harrison. The strange thing is the Steelers didn’t play in the Super Bowl. “Mr. Harrison recklessly gave a ‘high-five’ to someone attending a Super Bowl party in his living room,” Goddell explained. “What if his hand had slipped and struck in the head a quarterback walking through the room?”

l Craving ratings more than credibility, the Grammy Awards bestow “best album” accolades to Katy Perry, giving her an excuse to squeeze into a cleavage-baring costume for a live performance of “California Gurls.” The L.A. audience loves it, and TV viewers do, too, though critics and musicians scoff at such a mediocre talent winning such a prestigious award. “C’mon, man, at least our song had poetry and social relevance,” sneers the singer for former Grammy winners the Starland Vocal Band.

March

l The Facebook film “The Social Network” sweeps the Academy Awards. Only 630 people are actually watching the Oscar telecast, however, as the rest are busy poking, tagging, liking/disliking, updating statuses and uploading old music videos on Facebook.

l Fresh off an Oscar win for his role as fighting champ Mickey Ward in “The Fighter,” actor Mark Wahlberg announces he’s taking a sabbatical from acting to focus on a boxing career. A man who’s been down that road before, former Oscar winner Mickey Rourke, offers Wahlberg sage advice: “Dude, watch your face.” Meanwhile, even though she wasn’t nominated for her portrayal of a washed-up country star in the weak “Country Strong,” Gwyneth Paltrow announces on Twitter that she is retiring from acting to concentrate on her budding singing career.

l Tired of being fined by the NFL, James Harrison retires from pro football to become the director of the Andy Warhol Museum. His first exhibit, “Warhol’s Love of Football,” is promptly canceled after the only thing museum archivists find to support that notion is a photo that Warhol snapped of Truman Capote with someone in the background wearing a New York Giants jacket.

April

l Paul McCartney’s guest appearance on “Glee” is the single-most watched event in world history. The next morning, the top-10 iTunes singles are all mash-ups from that episode, with the most popular ones being the Kurt and Blaine duet on “Love Me Do/Maybe I’m Amazed” and Sue and Mr. Shue’s medley of “We Can Work It Out/ “Let It Be.”

l Inspired by the successful merger of the Monaca and Center Area school districts, merger mania sprouts up everywhere. Freedom merges with Ambridge. Cornell with Moon. Rochester Township, Rochester Borough and East Rochester become One Big Rochester, while Beaver, Bridgewater, and Brighton and Vanport townships turn into Really Big Beaver. The mergers stimulate economic development, reduce taxpayers’ burdens, conserve natural resources and prove that Beaver County is a progressive place to live and work. (Oh, wait — we were going to run this on April Fool’s Day.)

May

l WPXI sportscaster Jeff Reed goes postal on a paper towel dispenser after his exclusive interview with the Steelers’ first-round draft pick is clipped from the station’s 11 p.m. newscast. It’s NBC’s fault for allowing the season finale of “The Biggest Loser” to run three minutes long, to squeezes in six more commercials for sugarless gum and Jillian Michaels’ workout videos.

l American children are fatter than ever, according to a new report that’s met with an ambivalent shrug by the moms lined up at Starbucks to buy their kids the latest double-whip, caramel-mocha concoction with whipped cream, chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

June

l Having already been dumped and/or betrayed by Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Joe Jonas and Taylor Lautner, America’s sweetheart, Taylor Swift, leaps headfirst into a romance with former nemesis Kanye West. To the surprise of nobody, their relationship doesn’t last long and ends rather messily, but they both get an album’s worth of material out of it. By year’s end, Swift has a hit song that rhymes “I fell for the trap/Of a guy who raps/But I recovered in a snap/To give his ego a slap.” West counters with the boastful, “Had a girl named Taylor/Steered her like a sailor/Pulled her like a trailer/Bossed her like a jailor ...”

l It’s tough to fill the shoes of Oprah, not to mention the rest of her clothes. But recognizing the void on afternoon TV, producers announce a new talk show starring America’s second-most famous singularly named woman, Snooki, from “The Jersey Shore.” There’ll be much less John Travolta, much more The Situation. On the plus side, Gayle King now can slide into obscurity.

July

l The J.Lo.-Steven Tyler experiment failed to deliver ratings, but “American Idol” officials insist their show isn’t sinking. “Wait’ll next year, when our judges include Scrappy-Doo, Cousin Oliver from “The Brady Bunch” and that one singer from Van Halen who wasn’t David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar,” a producer says.

l A record crowd turns out at the Warhol Museum to see the six Steelers Super Bowl trophies on display next to a table where Franco Harris is signing autographs. “See, I know what I’m doing,” curator James Harrison says. Among those standing in line for hours is Crafton resident Dee Fense, a Steelers season-ticket holder since 1972, who said, “I never even knew this place was here before. ... And who was this Warhol again?”

August

l Pittsburgh traffic is snarled for days with the closure of the Liberty Tunnels, Fort Duquesne Boulevard, Bigelow Boulevard, Sawmill Run Boulevard and Boulevard of the Allies at the request of the seven film companies simultaneously shooting movies in the city. All seven movies come out next year. Oddly, each just shows one quick shot from Mount Washington and a brief dinner scene inside the Grand Concourse.

l The Beaver borough newsletter wins an award from the National Society of Nagging Newsletters. “We liked how Beaver’s newsletter always nags residents to mow their grass and trim their hedges and rake their leaves and paint their houses,” said the society’s president, Milton H. Grump. “You just don’t get that kind of nagging from friendly municipal newsletters.”

September

l Congress adopts the Teen Text Tax, in which a 1-cent surcharge is assessed each time a teenager sends a text message. By year’s end, the tax has slashed the $13 trillion federal deficit in half.

l Sick of watching aging, Botox-ed trophy wives bicker at cocktail parties in Atlanta, Beverly Hills, New Jersey, New York, Orange County and Washington D.C., millions of TV viewers embrace Bravo’s new reality show, “The Real Housewives of Pittsburgh.” Season highlights include a Coors Light-fueled squabble at the Bon Jovi concert and the quarrel over who was next in line to buy chipped ham at the Giant Eagle.

l Having conquered ballroom dancing last year, Bristol Palin tries her luck on ABC’s other reality-show franchise, “The Bachelorette.” The single mom has plenty of handsome suitors, who are evenly split on whether they find Bristol’s mom to be charming or nauseating.

October

l Beaver County’s new Veteran’s Memorial Bridge, linking New Brighton and Route 51, moves one step closer to completion, as the county commissioners unanimously approve a bid to purchase the ribbon they’ll ceremoniously cut when the bridge does finally open in 2023.

l Mitsubishi announces plans for a hybrid hover car that will make vehicular bridges obsolete by the year 2023.

November

l In a joint effort to tighten airport security AND address a major men’s health issue, the TSA begins its combined pat-down and prostate exams. In a related story, Greyhound and Amtrack report their best months ever.

l Turning out in record numbers, Allegheny County voters overwhelmingly approve a 1 percent tax hike that will pay all future fines levied by the NFL against James Harrison, who has rejoined the Steelers.

l Looking for a quick paycheck, Kate Gosselin signs on to do another reality show during taping hiatus of TLC’s “Kate Plus 8.” Gosselin says she was so inspired by network neighbor Sarah Palin’s reality stint that she, too, wants to showcase her great state in an eight-part series titled, “Kate Gosselin’s Pennsylvania.” Show highlights include shoveling snow, vacationing at Lake Erie and tailgating outside Beaver Stadium before Penn State plays Eastern Michigan, Kent State or some similar-caliber opponent in a game more lopsided than Gosselin’s hair.

December

l A well-deserved Nobel Prize is awarded to a man who launches a website that offers hundreds of thousands of song lyrics without a single annoying pop-up ad.

l Talk about a smart phone. Just in time for the holiday season, Apple launches a new iPhone application that makes life easier by handling all your child-rearing duties. Making sure the kids have finished their homework and that their soccer uniforms are clean? Yep, there’s now an app for that.

l James Harrison is fined $100,000 by the NFL for a hit to the head of recently signed Cincinnati Bengals kicker/ex-WPXI sports anchor Jeff Reed. Team doctors instantly knew Reed had suffered a concussion after he gazes up from the ground and asks Harrison, “Wow, Julie Bologna. ... What did you do to your hair?”

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