Tag Archives: vampire kings

Right, I have received several emails asking me about my name. Many hint around the question; many think that they are hinting though I must tell you that subtly it becoming a lost art; still others ask me outright – “How can your name be ‘Christy’? Isn’t that a bit modern for you?”

Ye, gods! You almost sound like Juliet during the balcony scene:

What’s <Christy>? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

But more to the point, asking a vampire about her name under most circumstances equals asking to have either your tongue or head removed.

Luckily for you, this is not most circumstances.

Per the request of our Vampire Kings, I will instruct you about vampires and their names.

When a human becomes a vampire, they have the option to either retain their birth name, or get a new name immediately. In my experience, about half choose the keep their old name and about half want a new one to symbolize their new life.

After a hundred years or so, every vampire feels the need to remove themselves from their past. Usually, this need arises from the fact that we are all basically human and we make stupid mistakes during the beginning of our life as a vampire. I mean, no one wants to be known as Lola, the girl who accidentally ate the local duke and caused a riot against vampires.

Unlike humans, we change our names due to either circumstances, major alterations in our life affairs, or sheer boredom. Some vampires I know have a schedule which plots out all of their name changes for the next thousand years. A few keep the same name through every occasion, harping ad naseum about their devotion and fealty as demonstrated in their consistency with names. Most of us, though, cherish our names and change them only upon some external impetus.

As for my current name, I assure you that “Christy” was not the name under which I entered this world. But during World War 2, I wished to make a statement about my beliefs. So, Christy I became and Christy I will be until I choose otherwise.

My name is Sarah, secretary to the Vampire Kings and chief editor of the real world Vampire Handbook. While the other members of our publishing team work to keep people informed on currently popular topics, I will translate and transcribe the original vampire handbook.

This first section describes how one goes from being merely human to a vampire. The process entails several stages; the first one is becoming a candidate. In the past, you needed to find a sponsor before continuing further. But due to the recent changes in vampiric social status, you may contact me if you think that you qualify.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Note: If you are an approved candidate, use the key to decode the final requirement. (ebg13)

Requirements for Human Candidates:

You must be free from normal societal responsibilities. If you have a husband, wife, child or children, father, mother, or sibling who depend upon you for food and shelter, then you need to make arrangement for their care while you transition from a human to a vampire.

You must be free from government obligations. We will not accept your petition if you are attempting to become a vampire in order to forego paying taxes or to shirk your civic duty. We expect all candidates to pay a tithe to their master and to fulfill all oaths and pledges.

You need a necessary skill or ability to offer to your sponsor. The skill may be either cerebral or corporal; it matters not so long as you not only possess a skill but are willing to share it.

Like this:

I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post. I heard that it wasn’t, well, introduce-y enough. The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.

The Vampire Handbook is just want you think. We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this. But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore. That still takes getting used to – I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.

Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying. Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first? And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?

Where was I again? Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.

The human population need not fear vampires. First off, fear is never a productive emotion. I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such. But really – we’ve lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far. Why get worried not? Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?

Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans. Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board. But we do not need to take blood from you. In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.

Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?

Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week. You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.