Not Sure This Even Belongs Here

But I'm wound up in uncertainty, I can't even decide if this thread belongs, or where it belongs. It's the opposite of most of the threads here - but the timing is all wrong.

But a few weeks ago, my emotions and depression and frustration and some triggering dates led me to THAT decision. And it consumed my thoughts for several days, this was no impulsive act .I selected my method . Daily I added to the list of the songs I wanted at my memorial and funeral. I started composing my own eulogy and decided who to have read it. I called him and used some other reason for asking if he would be available my chosen day. I called my sister-in -law to pre-prepare her, and make sure she knew what to do with my wife's jewelry.

One of the days (not even THE day) , I contacted another member, maybe for a final goodbye,and my future plans slipped out (I don't THINK it wasintentional).There were questions tears (for both of us) talk, more talk more questions, another member was messaged and called. The two of us talked for hours, something in her voice, in her reasoning and concern, calmed me and brought me back from the edge. She had been there, too, and understood. Maybe it was the way she assured me that my pain could be fixed and got a promise from me that I would be safe that night.

There were follow-up contacts, but not ever any judgement, criticism or guilt. And in a few days, I was kicking my own ass, at getting people upset, but most of all for thinking my medication and the length of time since my previous attempt, gave me some kind of exemption from ever being self-destrucive, but I had been (and now have) returned to my SI. And my meds changed again.

I don't know, I can't explain, beyond saying I'm grateful that a couple of people were where they were, the principles (that I always knew were here) that some portion of that "When You Feel You Can't Go On" was rattling somewhere in my brain. A couple of people chose to treat me with some warmth, care and understanding that I needed.

My life is still broken. I still have all my problems (more actually). But being able to talk out some of the ragged, ready-to-implode emotions worked. Like I think it was intended. Maybe when I'm more stable, I'll start spending more time here again, but that may be awhile.

I think many of us are trying to put pieces together. Sometimes the pieces adhere and sometimes the don't. We're all here for support and to support when we can. Dont discount the help you have provided to others also.

Might give words to some who are lost for words now, or might give hope to some who are searching for it now, and might give appreciation to those who are seeking to maybe know they are useful and not worthless now etc.....