December 14, 2018

I've been thinking about reconciliation. There are three paths available- 1) only communication. 2) friends and 3) restored marriage. Of course I want a restored marriage because I believe that's what God desires but I can't even accomplish "Only communication." Why is this so difficult? Am I hurt that bad? I pray for God to open my heart and give me wisdom but I feel a coldness and I don't seem any wiser than I was last week, last month, last year. I want to get to a point where I can at least communicate but I can't get past the relationship with the boyfriend. It's making me bitter. It's making my kids act like me. It's causing a mess. One that I think I could fix if I could learn to accept the things I can not change. I certainly don't teach my kids to disrespect their mother but they see me refusing to communicate with her and they just feed off of that.

Becca (16) told me last night that she did not sneak out Tuesday. The GPS said she did but I told her I believe her and maybe the GPS was mistaken. I doubt it was but at least she knows I'm concerned. She wants to get her driver's license soon since she just turned sixteen but she has an F in one of her classes and the state won't allow her to get them until her grades are acceptable. Normally she is a straight A student. She's just struggling in this one. She wants a car but she needs a job. It's a real struggle.

Trinity (14) needed her curling iron from Amber's house last night so she asked me to drive her over there to get it. I sat outside while she went inside and I saw Amber through the window. A ton of emotions came flooding into me at that point and this is the reason I avoid contact with her. I can not handle these emotions. I love my wife and she destroyed me and doesn't care. I can't face it. I can only run from it.

Can the first step to full reconciliation be your point !, then advance to point 2, then point 3, full reconciliation.

When you forgive you will be able to talk to her.

As you know, Jesus talked to sinners all the time. He became man so that He could come save us sinners. And He still took care of us sinners even when He knew He would be beaten, whipped, spat on, and crucified.