I'll get my coat moment

LE

Have you ever done or said something inadvertently or in the spirit of a good humoured pishtake which has backfired and had the exact opposite effect inducing a stunned silence where you can hear a pin drop, a frisson of tension can be sensed in the air together with the threat of imminent violence?

When I was a brand new snaptin troop leader and was chatting to some of the lads in the troop cages to try and get to know them better etc. Someone was passing some holiday snaps around and one was passed to me showing Lcpl X on a beach in Tenerife or some such place and sitting next to him was a proper "Bridget the Midget" or dwarf in a bikini. Thinking that he had simply engineered the shot for comic effect i blurted out "Fuck me who's the dwarf?" Cue stunned silence Lcpl X giivng me daggers, nervous laughter from the lads turning who were either turning their backs or shuffling off pishing their sides laughing. I couldn't beleive anyone was actually married to a dwarf..............unless they were a bit of a perv

"That's the Mrs sir" fooooook

Thinking this was a wind up I stupidly said......"yeah right pull the other one"

"No thats my wife .....sir" more daggers. He then handed me the next photo in the pack which showed them holding hands etc...and I realised he wasnt kidding. Inside my head I was screaming "SHIEEETE!" and tried desperately to remain as composed as possible.

Once I'd got the blushed babbling and profuse apologies out i quickly realised that the most effective course of action was to exit the hanger as soon as possible and hope to god he hadn't got the serious hump and was considering reporting the matter to the Sqn Ldr

I can honestly say that was one of the most embarrassing "I'll get me coat" moments I have ever experienced.

It took me weeks before Lcpl X would talk to me and I couldnt get the image of him and the dwarf wife out of my mind. This was made even worse when he introduced me to her at the Xmas party

LE

Stickybomb Snr is a god botherer and had recently moved in to a new parish. The old vicar had retired after his wife had committed suicide by walking out to the garage, tipping petrol over herself and going 'whoof'.

For some reason his children (in their forties) had been invited to a little housewarming sherry party organised by the church committee.
I happened to be around that weekend so ended up playing patrolling around with the canapes.

I end up talking to the daughter of the old incumbent and, in full knowledge of the above but in one of those tune-out moments, out comes the phrase...'so, do you have happy memories of this place?'

...

'No, not really, I had moved out by the time my parents came here.' came the rather cool reply at which point...I got my coat!

Old-Salt

In 1993 I was sent for two weeks work experience / training to an Insurance Company in Trinidad. I was introduced to the Managing Director on Monday morning and treated him to my best "Good morning sir", outstretched hand type greeting. He went for what looked like a high five greeting to which I thought "What the feck" and did likewise. It was then that I realised that he had a withered hand and was trying to pat me on the shoulder, not shake hands. Not a good start! That Friday he got into the lift with his young child. "Thats a fine looking son you have, sir" said oldandcold crawlingly and trying to make ammends. "Actually this is my daughter" said old withered hand. Aaaargh!! Why do lifts take so long at times like that???

Old-Salt

I had a site meeting with a surveyor from another company last year.
I had chatted to this guys boss years ago and he let it slip that this surveyor only had one leg, I buried this piece of info right at the back of my brain knowing full well that Iâd never need it.
So, I was driving along to the meeting trying to remember what was unusual about this character but I just couldnât put my finger on it.
Anyway, I pulled up in the site car park 10 yds or so from the only other occupied car, as I was faffing about with my coat and bag and everything else, I noticed this guy limping across the car park towards me,

I turned and with a big smile said â Hello Mark, nice to meet you, been in the wars?â

MIA

I was attending the annual Mess cocktail party at Haslar. Instead of the usual numbered groups with a nominated host who knows who the guests are, it was decided to make it informal. The guests pitched up at the front of the marquee, we were all lurking in twos and threes within and their were ushers who brought guests to 'vacant' hosts. TMost of the guests are local dignitaries and people who have some connection to the unit.

So there I am, with a junior naval MO, when the usher brings a couple along. Him, tall, gwar and wearing a lounge suit; her, well dressed and pleasant looking. I stick out my paw and introduce myself; 'My name's David', says he, and then intros his wife.

A little small talk ensues, until my naval co-host asks the wife: 'What do you do?'. 'I'm a nurse', she says, 'and David's a doctor, but he doesn't do much these days'. Picking up the theme, I blithely ask David what his connection with the hospital is, thinking that perhaps he had worked there as a locum consultant; I had the feeling I had seen him before. 'Well', he says, 'I'm sort of in charge of all the people in green, because I'm the Director-General of Army Medical Services.' I muttered lamely about not recognising him out of uniform - my naval mate appeared to have frozen, despite the balmy summer evening. Alas, the ground failed to open up and swallow me, but the General thought it all highly amusing; I was just glad when he moved on.

I met him again several times, and he never failed to remind me of my cocktail party faux pas.

MIA

A very old friend asked me to be his best man; being a bit busy in Londonderry (mid 70s) I couldn't make it and so had to refuse. Shortly thereafter he left the service and emigrated. Many years later, at the Big House in RheinD, I'm chatting with someone in Plans or whatever, and mutual friends are mentioned. "Oh, did you really know old Tom?" says he, "I've known him for ages". "Yes", says I, with foot firmly in mouth, "he asked me to be his best man, but I couldn't do it, so he got some second stringer instead". A short, strained silence, and yes, you've guessed his reply. I got me coat.

ADC

Ships Company Dance at a hotel ashore, loads of fanny including Wrens from shoreside (before they went to sea) and busloads of nurses and checkout chicks etc. and the odd spouse.

The shipâs âstacks ratingâ was unusually well behaved that evening, enjoying the booze and music but avoiding the unattached girls as if he was beef. âWhatâs the matter with Frank tonight? Normally with this much fanny around heâd be in amongst itâ says I to a Wren I vaguely knew from the Uniform Clothing Storeâ¦â¦..who turned out to be Mrs Frank.

War Hero

Working as a trade instructor in a signals unit in the Midlands, shift system meant frequent daytime drinking sessions. Mingling with nice students due to my new wife being one, I had to remember which group of chums I was with and moderate squaddyisms accordingly.

Sat in the local one day, in walks a female friend of the missus, with a couple of her mates. Hellos are exchanged and I get them in. Their first, my eighth.

Sat chatting nicely, I notice through the beer goggles that the girls are all stunning, and a thought takes shape. I smirk, and possibly giggle. 'What are you giggling at, Steamy?' asks girl, who only knows me as the nice polite hubby of her mate.

'I was just thinking how great it would be if I could watch your mates lick my spuzz off your chest' I replied. A lengthy pause preceded my getting my coat.