25 Comments:

I had to recreate all kinds of Blogger information to get access, but it looks like I can comment again on your blog.

It was nice to hear from you.

As for the issue of marriage, I think that (sorry if this seems judgmental) many women are taught by society today to be primed to leave their husbands. I say this as a divorced man---my ex-wife and I had many problems, but she had a bevy of friends reinforcing her thoughts that she should leave.

After we divorced, she married again in a year, and now has two children getting ready for college (a few years have passed!). So there must have been real value in her current marriage.

I know that there is such value in my own second marriage. My wife has proven multiple times that she views our marriage as having innate value; something worth "fixing" when times are tough.

Not everyone is willing to look at marriage that way.

So many men may be wising up about this? I'll be interested to see what people think of your interview today.

Here is an interesting article about the increase in childless women that was making the rounds this week in the media. The disinterest in marriage and child bearing is affecting both genders. I always find it interesting that the media focuses on statistics for women but never seems to give us some hard numbers for men.

I am not exactly sure that men don't want to get married so much as men have weighed the consequences and have come down on the obvious side of not marrying, especially if they are successful (or think they will be). Having half of a fortune given to a woman because she is a.) bored, b.) unforgiving, c.) etc., and losing contact and influence with one's children and very probably the home one has worked half their life and possible all of their adult life to build, develop, perfect, and maintain... It's a bad gamble.

As I have said, I would love to marry. I am going to have to find a way past my distrust of women and that may not be possible. The more feminine, thus attractive, a woman is... the more dubious the proposition. And yet, without that, a woman is not "interesting". Go figure.

Still, I search the horizons and seas of pretty ones. Oh, and whether they are "religious" or not, now, matters not a bit. Sad state of affairs. Nothing you don't know, or haven't heard in any case, though.

Doom, you make me laugh (in a good way). You hit a nail on the head. Men want feminine women but are then repulsed when those same feminine women might be more dubious a proposition. It's the hard working independent women that are less likely to become SAHMs and thus in a position to take half and the kids too. You can't have it all it seems.

As I've commented to you from a parental perspective, you've got a VERY HARD row-to-hoe. Nothing of your doing. Rather something your mothers and their ilk have done over the period of 1970-todate.

Most men are going to be VERY suspicious of any woman who makes advances along the lines of 'legal' marriage. And, based on personal experience with your respective mothers....with good cause.

NOW....

....I'm not saying you should 'disrespect' you mother. Rather, I'm suggestion that you should be aware of the environment you've found yourself in. It's a classic truism that one should 'know your enemy'. Albeit that men are NOT your 'enemy'. Rather, there is something of a conflict between men and women that....as I've experienced....only God can resolve. And I'm a grateful witness to the resolution of that 'battle'....with a woman who is the epitome of she described in the latter part of Proverbs 31.

For my beloved daughters....

....all I can legally—biblically and contemporaneously—offer is sound advice.

Your mothers' contemporaries got US into this mess. Vis-a-vis the 'Law of the Land'. You're going to have to find a 'good man' to have as a life-time companion, i.e., the sort of man that you leave your 'home' in order to become 'one flesh' with him.

Considering BOTH of your 'constitutions', i.e., I know you as my children as you are like me in oh so many ways.....

I recommend the following:

[1] As you are both the offspring of highly intelligent parents....

....look closely to Mensa as a possible source.

[2] As you are both MY children, be aware of my foibles and proclivities. Use the knowledge for your benefit. And for the benefit of any grand-children.

[3] Whereas I and your respective mothers are members of a rather 'elite' group of people.....don't let it go to your head. On the other hand, 'knowing yourself' try to find a life-mate on a par with yourselves. One that will stimulate and cause you to advance yourself and your ideals into the next generation.

I take a slightly different tack on this issue. We all want to be successful and find the ideal partner, but looking only at money and excitement won't do. Matched values and spiritual beliefs are much more important I've found.

"It's the hard working independent women that are less likely to become SAHMs and thus in a position to take half and the kids too. You can't have it all it seems."

A woman can be hard-working and independent without being a ball-buster, and a woman can be feminine and nurturing without becoming a doormat. And divorce thieves come in all stripes.

(Example: if she supported him while he got a degree, she sacrificed for him and he owes her. But if he helped pay for her grad school, she's accustomed to a lifestyle, and he owes her.)

It goes back to what I said in an earlier thread - generally, we as men want our ladies to be happy and to be happy being with us. You want to work, work part-time, take care of the kids, whatever - if it helps make the family a happy unit, we'll made do with the arrangement.

You can say our story is one-sided because there are men who try to rip women off, etc etc. That is true, but it's also irrelevant to this discussion since most of us here are men, and we aren't trying to get some asshole biker boy to love us against his nature.

I was on the way home yesterday afternoon and turned on the radio-there was a talk show on with a host and a guest who was very interesting. she was talking about men and women and marriage issues-I thought that I needed to keep listening to this so that I could check her blog out (she had mentioned that she had a blog)-it was a pleasure to find out that this blogger was someone I already read (sorry, I spend a little more time at some guy who calls his blog instapundit)-it was a pleasure to hear you on the radio yesterday, dr. smith-

thank you to both of you for unabashedly speaking the truth as yall (that's the way we say it here) see it (of which I probably agree with 95+% of)-I wish I could donate some to both of you but right now obama is helping me find a job so I'm a little low on funds-

Cham, you have asked why the media do not give hard number about men. The study authors note a dearth of hard numbers for men. Researchers have largely ignored the marriage choices of men. Researchers have focused mostly on women and their choices.

Jeff Y; I wonder why that is, this tremendous interest in women, whether they get married, whether they have kids, whether they have sex, whether they don't have sex, whether they own cats. Yet not one comparable study on men????? Could it be there is simply not any interest by the general public? I have no clue whether there is actually a marriage strike by men or not. People talk about it but I don't see any statistics. For all we know even more men than ever are beating a path to the alter.

I was the first caller yesterday. The guy from NYC. Anyways, I was in a meeting today with clients (mother/daughter) and I was discussing the show. The mother made it quite clear to her daughter that, except in the case of children, she should not be getting married. The daughter kept going on and on about how she wants a big wedding but the mother's look could have turned Hades to ice. It is not just guys not wanting to get married anymore but women as well. I frankly see very little upside.

George Korda and I discussed the blog post I had a few days ago on thirty--something year old men who did not want to get married. George has a great marriage and didn't want younger guys to miss out. I went over some of the legal and risk factors men have to think about prior to marriage and callers called in to ask questions and make comments about marriage. Some of the callers had been through divorce and were upset that they had lost so much, others felt that single mothers were offered more by the government because they were Democratic constituents. I added that the family unit with both parents working was too independent for liberal government and they would rather offer incentives to single mothers who were more dependent and/or who voted for Democrats.

"George has a great marriage and didn't want younger guys to miss out."

Then George Korda knows not of what he speaks.

YES. I get this from more than one person with whom I discuss the speedbumps of the marriage (and divorce) industry. They wash over the risks with "well we found each other and it's great and I hope you have that too."

Just a complete lack of any understanding, will to understand, sympathy or empathy to anybody's concerns about the horrors of a marriage gone bad. They usually throw in key shaming words like "bitter" or "burned." I think it's a totally self-absorbed attitude.

To argue that you have a good marriage, so for other guys to enjoy the success you've had they should just hop in with a totally biased and unfair system, is ridiculous.

I know a decent number of happily-married people. Most all of them will overtly admit they're lucky. Statistically, they are. A person can do everything right and still get F'd by the system.