Thursday, June 29, 2006

Hello, and welcome to another Peverett Phile. It seems like years since the last entry was posted, doesn't it? I'm now back onto my Thursday schedule, as you can see, and only days before July 4th which I don't celebrate, being British and all. So, what's going on? "Time” magazine’s cover story this week is on President Teddy Roosevelt, the man who said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick.” I’m sorry, that was Rush Limbaugh. I always get those two confused because Teddy Roosevelt is on Mount Rushmore, Rush wanted to mount more. Rush was talking about it on his show this week. He said that he was on a "boys only trip”. Here’s my question - if he’s on a boys only trip, why is he taking Viagra? Here’s an interesting fact. Even when Rush Limbaugh is on Viagra, he still "leans to the right.” More news coming out about those seven men in Miami that the FBI arrested, that were planning on blowing up the sears tower in Chicago. Did you hear about this? It seems they pledged allegiance to al Qaeda and were after virgins in the afterlife because they couldn't find any in Miami. Military commanders in Iraq say the day is fast approaching when we’ll start withdrawing our troops. I believe that day is called Election Day. In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president he’d rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he also would rather be home making love to Joe Biden’s wife too. In theworld of sports things not looking good for the Pittsburgh Pirates. They have now lost 11 games in a row. To give you an idea of how bad they are, today they got beat by Ghana. Some sad news, the oldest living creature on earth has died. No, not Joan Collins. A 176 year old tortoise named Harriet. A 176 years old. In fact, do you know how the tortoise died? Sky diving accident. In an interview this week Paris Hilton said she never discussed sex with her parents. She said she was too shy to ask them about it. In fact, everything she knows about sex she learned from watching her own video. The U.S. is out of the World Cup. It got beat 2-1 by Ghana. The U.S. get beat out every four years in this, it's like Democrats. Of course, England is still in it. The U.S. got beat so bad the other day that U.S. fans tried to start a riot but it’s too hard for two guys to push over a car. A few days ago was take your dog to work day. What if you work at the pound? How does that work? Scientists are saying that in the future we will be able to have sex with robots. I tried that once. It was horrible. Right in the middle I had to call tech support. Forty-three percent of all Texans say that immigration is a serious problem. The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés!"

DISNEY'S AMERICA

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. (June 29) - A 12-year-old boy died after riding a roller coaster Thursday at the Disney MGM theme park, the Orange County sheriff's office said. The boy died after he was brought by ambulance to a hospital at about 11:30 a.m., a Disney statement said. The cause of death was not immediately known, Sheriff's spokesman Jim Solomons said. Park officials closed the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster but said a preliminary investigation showed the ride was operating normally. A Disney Web site description of the ride says: "Zoom from 0-60 mph with the force of a supersonic F-14, take in high-speed loops and turns synchronized to a specially recorded Aerosmith soundtrack."

THERE IS A GOD

NEW YORK (June 28) - In a TV interview that aired earlier this month, Britney Spears told Matt Lauer that she and her family "just need privacy." But that didn't stop Spears from baring it all — literally — for the August issue of Harper's Bazaar, which hits newsstands next month. The magazine cover and photo spread, shot June 22 by fashion photographer Alexi Lubomirski, features photos that are reminiscent of Demi Moore's notorious Vanity Fair cover from August 1991, in which she posed very pregnant and completely nude. The cover photo is the only shot the magazine is officially releasing, but other shots have surfaced on several blogs without permission from the magazine. One of those photos features a newly black-haired Spears posing with her 9-month-old son Sean Preston while wearing a long black gown. Another shows Mrs. Kevin Federline provocatively lying on the floor, completely exposing her burgeoning belly while wearing a shearling-like coat and a white string thong. Yet another has her kneeling on a stark floor, holding her breasts and wearing nothing more than a gigantic diamond necklace. Spears was first spotted last week with jet black hair, a drastic change from the bleached blonde locks she sported in her interview with Matt Lauer which aired June 15. The domesticated pop star spoke with Lauer about paparazzi and addressed reports that her marriage to Federline, an aspiring rapper, is on the rocks. The interview took place at Spears' home, and the pregnant singer cried when Lauer asked her what she would say to the paparazzi who hound her constantly. "I would just say, 'You have babies at home, and you have a wife, and if you don't, you have to realize that we're people and we just need privacy and we need our respect and these are just things you have to have as a human being.' " She admitted to doing her own laundry, cleaning and cooking. "I still walk out of my house in rollers," she said. "I do not care what people think." Spears said she wants the sex of her baby to be a surprise when she delivers in the fall. The new issue of Harper's Bazaar will be available July 25. And yes, I am buying that magazine.

IT'S that helpless and highly embarrassing moment most of us have experienced at one time or another. You feel sick... and there's absolutely no way to stop it happening. It could be caused by stress, heavy drinking, a stomach bug or - as seemed to be the case with England captain David Beckham in mid-game against Ecuador yesterday - heatstroke. And the worst thing is, once you get the urge to throw up there's just nothing you can do about it - even if your discomfort is being watched by millions of World Cup viewers. At least Becks is in honourable company. Here are some more very public bouts of sickness. DURING his state visit to Japan in January 1992, GEORGE BUSH SNR responded to the arrival of Japanese beef steak (French-style) with a projectile vomit into the lap of Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa. Suffering from flu at the time, Bush then slumped under the table before getting up a few minutes later and announcing he felt great. BRITISH tennis sensation ANDY MURRAY vomited on court at the 2005 US Open. Play was halted after he suddenly threw up during a changeover in his first-round match against Romanian veteran Andrei Pavel. Murray blamed it on a pre-match sodium drink. "It is supposed to stop you from cramping," he explained afterwards. "It's got sodium and salt and everything in it. I just felt like I was going to burp, and then everything came up." WHILE making his film Super Size Me, MORGAN SPURLOCK threw up after finishing his first Super Sized meal. He vomited out of his car window after eating the McDonald's meal. The documentary maker went on to eat three meals a day from the burger chain for 30 days. He gained almost two stone in weight and suffered psychologically and physically. BIG Brother's GLYN WISE threw up live on TV on Saturday night. But the Welsh teenager had no excuse, as his sickness was self-induced. He had mixed his drinks during a night on the booze. And after downing champagne and cider the 18-year-old horrified his housemates by vomiting on his bed sheets and duvet. Other contestants sharing the communal bedroom could not stand the smell. They stuck his bedclothes in a bin liner and putting it outside. Next morning a sheepish Glyn was told he had "a lot of washing to do". CAROL THATCHER daughter of ex-Prime Minister Margaret, threw up on her parachute partner during a 12,000ft skydive. Carol was sick on herself and the skydiver she was shackled to during her unconventional entrance to the I'm A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here! camp. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE reportedly threw up after eating too much at his restaurant last year. He was eating at Chi in Los Angeles but couldn't make it to the bathroom in time and was sick on the floor. Staff discussed how much they thought they could get for Timberlake's vomit on eBay. HOLLYWOOD star HALLE BERRY was left regretting she had insisted on doing her own stunts in hit film X-Men: The Last Stand after she ended up projectile vomiting on the crew during an important action sequence. The actress, who plays Storm in the movie, had to master a series of flying spins and suddenly became nauseous during the dizzying stunt. She said: "I chucked and sprayed the crew. I just laughed because there's nothing else you can do. I'm not looking to do that again!" CHANNEL 4's Extreme Celebrity Detox featured three famous chuckers who could not bear the gruelling regime at a training camp in the Himalayas. ROWLAND RIVRON, MAGENTA DEVINE and LISA I'ANSON all engaged in projectile vomiting before the cameras after enduring tasks which included drinking their own urine. CATHARINA GEISSLERIN was widely known as the "toad-vomiting woman of Altenburg". In 1642, she took the first step to notoriety by vomiting several toads and lizards. After a short break in hurling amphibians, she ejected 13 toads and spawn in 1648. After her death in 1662 medical men were eager to do an autopsy, expecting to find an interesting vivarium of toads, lizards and salamanders in her body. To their disappointment and astonishment, not a single animal was found. ROMAN munchers developed a skill to enable them to eat excessive amounts of food. The Romans used a concoction of rotten fish pickle to induce vomiting. After clearing out their stomachs they would readily return to the feast for another helping.The gills, intestines and blood of mackerel used in the pickle along with vinegar, parsley and wine. The mixture was exposed in the sun for three v months until the fish has rotted into a thick sauce. IF the urge to vomit strikes, I the advice from NHS Direct is ' to drink small amounts of sweet liquid and rest. But Beckham got up after the spasm had passed and carried on playing for nearly half an hour. And the good news from medics is that a sickness bout passing within 24 hours won't have any lasting effect.

BROKEN

This is Disney.com's comment form. Which, when you read it, contradicts itself. At the bottom it says, "If you don't enter a first name we can't put your message on TV or online." Then it warns, "Careful, no personal information!"

SEX TOY OR BABY TOY

Last week's answer: yep, it's a vibrator. Okay, is it a sex toy or baby toy?

Spider-Man 3: I almost wish I hadn't seen the teaser. It's just too mind-blowingly awesome. The weird ooze covering Spidey. The big reveal of the black suit. Peter falling into darkness. A Sandman cameo. Whoa.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest Swab the poop deck with a photo gallery, red-carpet footage and a boatload of clips. But Keith Richards won't be in yer spyglass until episode three. Arr! And with that I'm putting a moratorium on pirate-speak by anyone not named Davy Jones.

This Film Is Not Rated: The trailer reveals which mysterious shadow organization controls Hollywood. No, it's not the Scientologists — it's the MPAA!

Snakes On A Plane: Hey, here's a good idea — unlike previous footage, the new teaser actually has snakes in it!

Marie Antoinette: After watching the trailer, I've finally figured out what's more annoying that watching foofy French royalty prancing about in corsets: nothing.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Back when he still had a career, Ben Affleck really was gonna star in this. Replacing him is Matthew McConaughey, who perhaps doesn't realize the movie's about a guy with a ton of dead ex-girlfriends. Am I the only one who thinks that's a wee bit creepy?

Downloadable Netflix and iTunes Movies We are thisclose to downloading movies through iTunes and Netflix. I already lost my music library to a computer crash once — now I can lose my movies, too! Oh, and the thought of putting a Netflix box on my already-crowded TV isn't all that appealing …

And now, for...

GEEK TALK

That didn't take long, and apparently making it won't take long either. Fox has announced that Wolverine, the X-Men spinoff starring Hugh Jackman, will debut in theaters next year. The lucky folks at Cine Expo in Amsterdam got the official word, complete with a taped message to attendees from Jackman. There's no word on specific start or release dates, though Jackman's dance card already seems full with at least three other projects, including a Baz Luhrmann World War II–era romantic epic. … And joining Wolverine and Spider-Man 3 in next year's battle of the big-screen comic-book heroes are the Fantastic Four, who will be battling the Silver Surfer in their second outing, reportedly titled Fantastic Four and the Silver Surfer. All four "fantastic" stars — Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, ChrisEvans and Ioan Gruffudd — are back for the sequel, as they prepare to deal not only with the nefarious Surfer but also the return of Dr. Doom (JulianMcMahon). The movie is scheduled to hit theaters next June 15. That's less than a year, if you're an overly excited fanboy.

Robin Williams is letting it be known that he would love to tackle the role of the DC Comics supervillain in the next Batman episode. In an interview with Film Force, self-professed comic-book junkie Williams says he'd love to play The Joker, especially if director Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins sequel includes the character's back story. "Oh, God, I'd love to do that one," Williams says. "You know, if they do Arkham Asylum, it would be amazing. Arkham Asylum is one of the greatest, nastiest comic books ever. It's truly … it's like the Marquis de Sade on that level, and wonderfully damaged and quite tragic, in terms of when you realize [what happened to] create these characters." Williams' name has been among those circulated around the Internet as likely Joker candidates, along with Adrien Brodyand Paul Bettany, though there's been no actual confirmation from Nolan that The Joker will be featured in Batman Begins 2. … In other sequel news, Moviehole.net is claiming that The Mummy 3 is a go, and that Brendan Fraser and recent Oscar winner (and new mommy) Rachel Weisz will both return for what is actually the fourth Mummy movie, if you count The Scorpion King.

Okay, with that said, that's it for another Peverett Phile. Check out the Phile's webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs I am up to 21 pages already, with more about the be loaded this weekend. logan and I are hitting Epcot tomorrow and MGM on Saturday. And on Sunday I plan to see a little movie about this superhero guy. That's the plan anyway. Remember, spread the word and not the turd. I will leave you with a random pic. I'll be back next Thursday.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Well the sun comes up and you stare your cup of coffee, yup, right through the kitchen floor. You feel like hell so you might as well get out and sell your smart ass door to door. And the Mrs. wears her robe slightly undone as your daughter dumps her oatmeal on your son. And you keep it hid just like your dad did. So you go to work just to watch some jerk pick up the perks you were in line to get. And the guy that hired you just got fired, your job's expired, they just ain't told you yet. So you go and buy a brand new set of wheels to show your family just how great you feel. Acting like a kid just like your dad did. And you're a chip off the old block, why does it come as such a shockthat every road up which you rock, your dad already did. Yeah you've seen the old man's ghost, come back as creamed chipped beef on toast. Now if you don't get your slice of the roast. You're gonna flip your lid just like your dad did. Well the day was long now, supper's on, the thrill is gone, but something's taking place. Yeah the food is cold and your wife feels old but all hands fold as the two year old says grace. She says help the starving children to get well, but let my brother's hamster burn in hell. You love your wife and kids just like your dad did.

Hello, and welcome to a Father's Day version of The Peverett Phile. Jen is at work, Logan is asleep and here I am at my computer. so, what's going on in the news. let's see, Republicans in the senate have given up on gay marriage. They are now working on banning flag burning. If we do this we will join the other three countries that don’t allow flag burning – China, Cuba and Iran. Stand with our brothers! Wednesday San Francisco had a 4.7 earthquake. Barry Bonds tried to fit under a doorway but his head was too big. In Germany hundreds of soccer hooligans have been arrested for flipping over cars, starting fires and throwing bottles at police. How about they put that on TV? I’ll watch that over the World Cup. It’s estimated that over 40,000 prostitutes have gone to Germany for the World Cup. This is the only chance the U.S. team has of scoring. There has been a change at the White House. President Bush’s speech writer is leaving the administration. His last words were, "Me, go now.” About $1.4 billion of aid money to Hurricane Katrina victims has gone to alcohol, vacations and pornography. The worst part is that some of that was wasted. Fox News critics are reporting that the new Superman movie portrays Superman as a gay man. In this new movie Clark Kent plays the role of a mild mannered reporter for "Access Hollywood”. How many people had an al Zarqawi weekend? That’s where you get bombed and you can’t find your house. More news coming out about the death of al Zarqawi. They say he died of complications with his lungs. They said he was smoking when they found him. Not cigarettes. He was actually smoking. Here’s something bizarre, when investigators were going through the rubble, they found women’s lingerie, leper teddy. Apparently Zarqawi was not only a member of al Qaeda he was a member of al kinky as well. President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq Tuesday it lasted five hours. Longer than he stayed for any of the National Guard meetings. Security was very tight. He even had Dick Cheney riding shotgun. Ha, you didn't think I could get through a whole blog without mentioning Cheney, did you? Kevin Federline might be getting into movies he says. Not acting. He’s joining Netflix. Well, it's hurricane season here in Florida and we had something coming our way in the beginning of the week. Alberto was in the Gulf of Mexico moving north towards Florida. Not the hurricane. A guy in a raft from Cuba. He’s got a good right hand. That’s the name of the hurricane, Alberto. See even the hurricanes are getting smarter. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the U.S. President Bush said that illegal immigrants that come to America should learn English. He said, "Hey, if I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.”

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for the broadcast of the first season finale on the Sci Fi Channel, The Parting of the Ways, in America are in: the telecast scored a 1.14 household rating with an average of 1.4 million viewers. According to Outpost Gallifrey's source at the Sci Fi Channel, the first full season of the series averaged a 1.26 household rating, with an average audience of 1.5 million views. (Some other statistics for the season: the audience was 63% male, with a median age of 46 years, and scored a 1.00 rating in men ages 18-49 and a 0.62 rating in men 18-34.) Though the ratings for the broadcast of the first series seem to have been lower than expected, that now doesn't appear to be the case. As reported at the Sci Fi Channel's own news service, Sci Fi Wire, "the new updated Doctor Who boosted SCI FI Channel's ratings on Friday nights by double digits, the network reported. The new version of Doctor Who, produced by the BBC, wrapped its first season on SCI FI on June 9. Doctor Who averaged a 1.3 household rating and 1.5 million total viewers in its 9 p.m. Friday timeslot, a 44 percent increase in ratings and a 54 percent increase in viewership over the same timeslot in the second quarter last year. In key demographics, Doctor Who averaged 778,000 viewers aged 18-49, a 57 percent increase over 2005, and 942,000 viewers aged 25-54, a 56 percent increase." The Futon Critic, a respected source of industry and media news noted the "double-digit ratings growth this quarter on Fridays from 9pm to 10pm versus the time period last year," referring to the fact that Doctor Who was a broadcast original for the network in a time period (March to June) when it normally shows reruns. (Until this series broadcast, Sci Fi's original Friday night series -- Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis and Battlestar Galactica -- broadcast in two halves, July through September for the first half of each season, and then January to March for the second half.) What does this mean for Series Two? A pop-culture website called ICV2 today stated that "The second season will kick off in the U.S. on Sci Fi Channel in October." However, this appears to be simple speculation on the part of the website; Sci Fi has not announced any plans to purchase the second season of the series at this time, although it's a foregone conclusion that if it did, October would be a likely timeframe for it to be shown (as the Stargate shows end their half-season runs in September, while Galactica returns in October, presumably in its regular 10pm timeslot... with, theoretically, space for Doctor Who to run before each new episode at 9pm.) The Phile will keep you posted.

SHARPENING AXES

Here is a list of everything a man should know about fatherhood. Don't worry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either. Second thought, maybe you should worry. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are "trying." We really don't need the visual, that's why. Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing. Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity. For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride. Then, a referee. And finally, a bank. If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many pediatricians don't bother to use one. The anesthetic is for the kid. Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake. Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps. There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething. Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten. Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby's bottom in tepid water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. Rediaper. You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't. Unless you wear them a lot. Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets. Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-fresh feeling. Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it. The start of crawling: usually begins between six months and twelve months. Standing: usually between nine and twelve months. Walking: between twelve and fifteen months. The onset of the above, as with all developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children. Avoid walkers, not only because they can be dangerous around stairs but because they don't require a child to balance and thus retard his walking progress. Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested. The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one. Annals of great punishments: Hang dolly from a noose! Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group. You see, all great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform. Teach by example. Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment. Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse. The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's foreshadowing. Children of too-strict parents are more likely to develop tics. Let them take reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are nothing compared with the scars left by hovering parents. Or tics. In preparation for risks: a Red Cross first-aid course. The most common cause of fatal injury among kids between five and nine involves cars, which is to say, hold their hands. And buckle them in. Try to tuck them in every night, too. When changing diapers, avoid baby powder, as it can irritate her lungs. When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle. It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter. Especially if she's hot. Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter. Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have. Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle. At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs. Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you. However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great distances. The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps. NOW, more than ever, don't move into a place without laundry facilities. Children's hobbies to nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting. Beware your child's uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches. It is, of course, your natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings' offspring. You are under no obligation to tell children the truth. Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: "Oh, that tree? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course." On the other hand, they do remember everything. Sesame Street. Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son's does not. Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him. Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet. There is only one reason fora teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is. Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife. No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him. Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach the little bastard some responsibility! The previous statement proving you are your parents. Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion sense. Price of a college education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000. If the real response to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom." DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls. The twos aren't always terrible. Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them. How scary is that? Establishing savings accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan. The above could prove useful in your dotage. Corny as it sounds, that Harry Chapin guy was right. Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields was right, too. It's never too early to begin reading to children. Let them read what they enjoy. Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well. No, you cannot ask for it back. Furthermore, you cannot steal his. Acceptable reading material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Curious George, and any of the following by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World. Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss, kiss or Switch Bitch. Know that by the time your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson. Of course, by 2015, kids might very well sever arms and legs as fashion statements. Some parents walk around naked in front of their children. These parents should stop it. Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great. And never raise a hand to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that. The harder they play, the earlier they sleep. Never turn down an invitationto play. No toys that require batteries. They never really outgrow the claw. "No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means "Apply the claw, please." All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles -- particularly other people's fatherhood. You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather. If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.

The answer to last week's question was baby toy. It was a teething ring. So, what is the next one, that happy work thing? Sex toy or baby toy?

Okay, then, I hope you liked that picture. Well, I amrunning out of space so let's get to...

MOVIE BUZZ

Indiana Jones 4: George Lucas really, really, really wants Sean Connery to come out of retirement. Little-known scientific fact: While waiting for this project to get started, Harrison Ford actually became older than Connery. Weird.

Lady In The Water: M. Night Shyamalan would like to tuck you in and read you a bedtime story. Now he can bore you to sleep with a book, too.

Transformers: Look, if you're in your 30s and actually get excited when I tell you they posted the website for this ridiculous movie based on toys you played with as a kid, there's really nothing I can do to help you. Just keep playing with Optimus Prime while the rest of us get on with our lives.

The Hulk 2: When Avi Arad says the next Hulk movie will be a "do-over," he means that it'll be a reboot of the franchise à la Batman Begins, not a remake of the first one. Fanboys can be so literal.

Ratatouille: The teaser's sorta like Lady and the Tramp, only with rats and cheese instead of dogs and pasta.

Okay, that's it. Happy Father's Day. Check out the webshots page to see pictures from my Father's Day, and other shots that I updated the site with. I will leave you with a random picture, but first, the next update will be either next Tuesday or next Thursday. Anyway, spread the word, not the turd.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

And so will the Phile. Hey, there, and welcome to the Peverett Phile coming to you from Central Florida where we have brush fires everywhere, skies filled with smoke, a tropical storm approaching and the bird-flu right around the corner. Well, this weekend was the last weekend of Star Wars Weekends. I worked with Temuera Morrison who played Jango Fett and all the Clone Troopers in Episode's 2 and 3. He was a really nice guy and very shy. Last weekend I was with Jay Laga'aia, who was captain Thpho. Coincidentally, Temuera was the best man at Jay Laga'aia's wedding. Anway, let's get on with the humor. As you know, last Wednesday the U.A. military forces have killed terrorist al Zarqawi in an air strike. So we didn’t get the devil on 6-6-6, but we only missed by one day. That’s not bad. He was hit be two 500 pound bombs. al Zarqawi name is now ow ow ow Zarqawi! Do you know what his last words were? "Holy Shiite!” In discussing the incident Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield said that Zarqawi was mean, vicious and hateful - you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next. Al Gore’s movie about global warming broke into the top 10 this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said, "My movie about me, Fahrenheit911 did a lot better than that.” President Bush has said he probably will not see the film. Though he says he did go see Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. So he feels he has most of his facts down. Do you know how Michael Jackson spent 6/6/06? With three six year olds. The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. But if you think about it, do you really want congress defining marriage? Isn’t that like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy? The Republicans are not saying that after illegal immigration and gay marriage the next issue President Bush will tackle is flag burning. So if you are an illegal immigrant who is crossing our border to burn the flag at your gay wedding…we’ve got your number. Adam Sandler has a terrific new movie called Click. Very funny premise, he has a universal remote that allows him to rewind and fast forward through parts of his life. How amazing would that be for President Bush? He could just flip ahead 25 years to see how the war in Iraq ends. Are you excited about the World Cup? Of course not. You’re Americans. You could care less. Yesterday England won, 1-0. Yeah. Congressman Patrick Kennedy was released from rehab this week. In fact, they took precautions in Washington. They placed concrete barriers in front of the concrete barriers. Actually, Kennedy wasn’t cured, the doctors made him leave. They said, "Cure a Kennedy? We’re doctors not miracle workers.” Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. I heard the father is so upset that he’s turning over in his grave. Barry Bonds has broken another record. He has passed Babe Ruth’s weight.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens. They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience". Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! Iwent out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus" They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. Hewas in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He spoke to the the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out!"

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for the twelfth episode of the first season of the new series, Bad Wolf, on US television on the Sci Fi Channel, have come in: the telecast dropped a bit to a 1.02 household rating with an average of 1.3 million viewers, down from the previous broadcast ("Boom Town") two weeks before and the smallest average audience to date for a Doctor Who original this season. The show was on a week-long hiatus, with viewers possibly tuning out after the lack of a broadcast the week before. Season-to-date, Sci Fi reports that Doctor Who is currently averaging a 1.27 household rating and an average audience of 1.5 million viewers for the season. The season finale aired this Friday, June 9.

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

For Father's day there's a bunch of DVD's that I want. But right here, I am goping to list ten item's that would also be cool.

Instant Beeper Alarm for Open Wallets: This... hi-tech Beeping Wallets can protect you against losing your money. The wallet beeps whenever anything is removed and continues to beep every 20 seconds to remind you to replace it. The beeping mechanism shuts off after 5 minutes.

Pee Goal: A trip to the gents may be relieving but now it can be exciting as well. With the new Pee Goals, you can practice your aim and you might even score...The Pee Goal consists of a green base, goal post and a little football on a string. Take aim, shoot and see if you can score a goal.

Remote Controlled Lawn Mower: The Mower has evolved from three generations of high tech robots. It is state of the art and custom built to suit all mowing needs. The RCLM2006S comes with a wireless gas engine electric start.

You Try Being Knocked Up Simulator Pack: The Empathy Belly"® Pregnancy Simulator lets you know what it feels like to be pregnant! It is a multi-component, weighted "garment" that will -- through medically accurate simulation -- enable men, women, teenage girls and boys to experience over 20 symptoms and effects of pregnancy, including: Weight gain of 30 pounds (13.6 kg.) Fetal kicking and stroking movements, Shallow breathing and shortness of breath, Increased blood pressure, pulse and body temperature, Bladder pressure and frequency of urination, Low backaches; shift in center of gravity; waddling, Fatigue, irritability, and much, much more!

Gentlemen's Silver Ball Scratcher: You can scratch your balls in style with this silver Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher. For times when you are alone, this superb invention, shaped and styled to a female hand, can precisely reach all nooks and crannies and allow you to scratch away ’til your balls are content.Or even in the office – this device is perfect. With a nine-inch handle people wont even see what you’re doing, as you ease the delicate hand beneath the desk and satisfy that urge...the ultimate itchy balls solution.

Automatic Finger Flicking Lighter: Flip 'em the bird with this unique lighter.Push the igniter and this lighter not only produces a Green Flame,it also shouts out the phrase FUCK YOU twice.

Hidden Beer Belly Storage Pack: Removable spare tire that serves your stealth beverage...Now you can take up to 80oz. of your favorite beverage wherever you go... Even where "they" don't want you to! The Beerbelly is made up of an insulated neoprene “sling” and a polyurethane “bladder” with a tube for dispensing. The bladder is held in an insulated pouch in the sling which is worn under your clothing for concealment. When worn, it looks just like a beerbelly, and stays cold for hours!

Instant Inflatable Pub for His Back Yard: The pub is 40ft long, 19ft wide and 22ft high. It can be customised for use as a fully working pub, with room for a bar and 30 customers. So what do you think? Did I pick some good ideas for stuff that Dad's REALLY need? What are you getting the old man for Father's Day?

BROKEN

GRAND OPENING - Everything 99 cents or above!

SEX TOY OR BABY TOY

That was last week's answer. So, what is this one? Sex toy or baby toy?

SHARPENING AXES

Why is it hot in the summer and colder in the winter? It is all about the tilt of the Earth's axis. Many people believe that the temperature changes because the Earth is closer to the sun in summer and farther from the sun in winter. In fact, the Earth is farthest from the sun in July and is closest to the sun in January! The Earth's movement around the sun causes the seasons, but it does not affect the temperatures during the seasons. During the summer, the sun's rays hit the Earth at a steep angle. The light does not spread out as much, thus increasing the amount of energy hitting any given spot. Also, the long daylight hours allow the Earth plenty of time to reach warm temperatures. During the winter, the sun's rays hit the Earth at a shallow angle. These rays are more spreadout, which minimizes the amount of energy that hits any given spot. Also, the long nights and short days prevent the Earth from warming up. Thus, we have winter!

CREATIVE TISSUE BOXES

Okay, now for something interesting.

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3: Spidey will battle four baddies. Who will accompany Venom, Sandman and the second coming of Green Goblin? Here's where I drop some comic-book–geek knowledge: It'll be Lizard, the alter ego of Dr. Curtis Connors, who's appeared in both movies, or Carnage, former cellmate of Eddie Brock, a k a Venom. On top of all this, Peter's gotta juggle two women? This overload is either brilliant, or it's Batman & Robin all over again.

X4: With X3 making serious bank, a fourth is inevitable. Look for the next installment to be all about the kids. Pyro and Iceman might be joined by Emma Frost, an ice queen who, in the comics, leads a team of teen mutants called Generation X, whose powers include listening to old Nirvana albums and complaining about Baby Boomers. Or maybe they'll update the story and call them Generation Y — they could have their own MySpace pages!

TheHoliday: In the trailer, Jack Black grazes Kate Winslet's boob, and instead of projectile-vomiting, she somehow finds the maneuver charming.

The Wicker Man: Watch out for these freaky things in the trailer for this Nic Cage horror remake: a disfigured old man with no shirt, crop "circles," a vanishing girl, a crow hiding in a desk, a fetus in a jar, an evil bunny mask and, strangest of all, a naked woman covered in bees!

The Night Listener: I have no idea what's going on in this promo reel. But Robin Williams has a beard, so it must be a drama.

Garfield: A Tale of Two-Kitties: They moved the release date up a week, so I'll be able to hate it even sooner! And my son wants to see this and not Superman Returns?! Yeesh, where did I go wrong?

And now, the review for Cars. Hotshot stock car Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) gets stuck in a small desert town and has to learn the meaning of friendship and life and humility and blah, blah, (all that other stuff you have to learn the meaning of) blah. Success is nothing without someone you love to share it with. I think that's what Billy Dee Williams told Diana Ross in Mahogany, right? It's basically that movie but with animated automobiles. I know it's wrong to blaspheme the holy unassailable name of Pixar, but this one is both the best and the worst of the whole batch. It's technically superior to everything that's come before it. It looks incredible and the level of detail is eye-boggling. Meanwhile, it's the least meaningful and the least funny. But still, it's a Pixar movie, and that means it's miles ahead of the competition in spite of its flaws. I'm not a fan of Larry the Cable Guy, even though I met him 17 years ago when he was on WDIZ and he's a Foghat fan, but dang it if he's not the funniest thing in this just good enough movie. You know how most animated features are fairly short? Like, 90 minutes tops, usually? Most of the time even shorter than that? This one pushes the two-hour mark. And you feel it. My butt should not begin to call out for mercy at an animated feature. That's an Oscar wannabe move. Did Logan like it? Of course. And how tailor-made for toy tie-ins can a movie not called Toy Story get? Did Jen like it? She said it was okay. From 1 to 10, 10 being the best, I gave it a nine. And yes, I'll get it on DVD when it comes out.

Well, that's about it. Next week the Phile will be updated on Sunday again, then I think after that we'll go back to Thursdays. I'll letcha know. In the meantime, kreep checking webshots. You never know when new pics will get posted. And remember, spread the word, not the turd. I will now leave you with a random picture. Ca-chow!

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Hello, and welcome. Working at Star Wars Weekends I was led to the dark side. But that's okay, I had a flashlight. A half grizzly and half polar bear has been discovered. Scientists say that it is amazing that these two would mate. That’s the magic of eHarmony.com! These bears matched on 29 areas of compatibility. You know what they say – once you go grizzly you never go back. So it’s a half polar bear and half grizzly. Does that make it a "prizzly"? Earlier this week the capitol building Washington, D.C. was on lockdown because someone heard gunshots from the parking lot. When the capitol police heard this they all said the same thing, "Cheney!” The federal government is going to end the 3% tax it levies on all long-distance phone calls. The tax was first imposed in 1898 to pay for the Spanish-American war. It took 108 years to pay. When are we going to finish the War in Iraq? When is that gonna be paid for?Mexican President Vicente Fox is in the United States this week. He says he came here so he could speak directly to the Mexican people. One on one. And it looks like scientists have confirmed they found the remains of Christopher Columbus, in a cathedral in Spain. As you know Columbus discovered America in 1492 looking for a western route to China and India. Do you know why he was looking for western route? This is true. To avoid Islamic extremists. Well thank God that problem is gone. So, thos weekend was Gay Weekend at Disney. The guest of honor was Lightning McQueen from Cars.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A rodent is thought to have got into a skip of rubbish that was taken to Recyclo recycling plant in Flintshire. It survived a giant shredder used to destroy waste such as washing machines and was found in a sorting area with no injuries other than a sore foot. The hamster, named Mike, has been adopted by Liam Bull, 10, whose father Craig works at Recyclo. The hamster's ordeal, which lasted around four minutes, began when it arrived at the plant in Sandycroft, probably aboard one of the many skips of waste which arrive there daily. As well as surviving the giant shredder, Mike passed through a rotating drum and vibrating grids before he was discovered by staff.

SEX TOY OR BABY TOY

This is the answer to last week's question.

Now, what's the answer to this weeks?

SHARPENING AXES

What are the seven seas? Some ancient civilizations used the phrase “seven seas” to describe the bodies of water known at that time. The ancient Romans called the lagoons separated from the open sea near Venice the septem maria or seven seas. Most current sources state that "seven seas" referred to the Indian Ocean, Black Sea, Caspian Sea, Adriatic Sea, Persian Gulf, Mediterranean Sea, and the Red Sea. Not all geographers agree on this list of seven, believing that the seven seas reference will be different depending upon the part of the world and the time period in question. Some geographers point to the Age of Discovery and suggest that the seven seas represent the Atlantic, Pacific, Arctic, and Indian Oceans, as well as the Mediterranean Sea, the Caribbean, and the Gulf of Mexico. Other geographers state that the seven seas were the Mediterranean and Red Seas, Indian Ocean, Persian Gulf, China Sea, and the West and East African Seas. Today we recognize more than 50 seas worldwide. A sea is defined as a division of the ocean which is enclosed or partially enclosed by land. With that said, the Caspian Sea, Dead Sea, and Aral Sea are actually saltwater lakes, because they lack an outlet to the ocean. Conversely, by this definition, the Gulf of Mexico and Hudson Bay are seas. Interesting Sea Facts: The largest sea is the Bering Sea at 876,000 sq. miles or 2,270,000 sq. kilometers. The saltiest sea in the world is the Red Sea with 41 parts of salt per 1,000 parts of water. The warmest sea in the world is the Red Sea, where temperatures range from 68 degrees to 87.8 degrees F depending upon which part you measure. The coldest seas are found near the poles such as the Greenland, Barents, Beaufort, Kara, Laptev and East Siberian Seas found near the north pole and Weddell and Ross Seas found in the south poles. The Baltic Sea is also considered one of the coldest seas. Depending upon the amount of salt in the water, sea water freezes at about 28 degrees F. High salt content lowers the temperature for freezing and low salt content raises the temperature for freezing.

MOVIE BUZZ

Marvel's Plan For World Domination:X4: Not gonna happen. Just be happy with the Wolverine spinoff and the Magneto prequel. Fantastic Four 2: It'll suffer from sequel-villain overload, with Galactus, Silver Surfer and Dr. Doom. Iron Man: He won't be a booze-soaked souse. Because deviating from the comics makes the fanboys so happy. Don't call it Hulk 2: It's The Incredible Hulk,and it'll be about Bruce trying to ditch the green giant. Didn't the box-office take from the first one already accomplish that?

Snakes On A Plane: Sure, the teaser playing with X3 and the new website are mildly amusing. But SoaP's not gonna be so bad it's good. It's gonna be just plain bad. Snakes on a plane might be funny for 15 seconds. But an hour and a half? It'll wear out its welcome faster than a bad SNL sketch.

Superman Returns: The fourth trailer is flat-out awesome. In fact, each successive trailer has been more awesome than the last by an awesome factor of, like, 10. If there's a fifth trailer, it will enter previously uncharted waters of mind-blowing awesomeness.

The Transformers: From Michael Bay's blog: "Friday we shot two CV-22's (Ospreys). They fly like aliens dropping out of the sky. I've anticipated leaks for months, so I keep the only shooting script in my computer. Nobody has it, not even actors get a full script." He adds, "In fact, who needs a script? We didn't have one on The Island, and look how well that turned out."

Dukes of Hazzard 2: Here's something that'll make you feel old(er) and (more) out of touch: They might replace Jessica Simpson in the DVD prequel with that blonde chick from Laguna Beach. I've never even seen that show. I'm pretty sure it's on MTV, which I believe used to play music videos.

Southland Tales: It's got The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Justin Timberlake, Seann William Scott, Mandy Moore and a ton of other funny people in the cast, but studios won't touch it unless Richard Kelly cuts an hour off the running time. Hmm — either the suits don't get the director's "vision," or the movie just sucks.

Cannes Film Festival: A bunch of stuff happened at Cannes last week, but nobody outside of Los Angeles or France cares.

And now my review for X-Men: The Last Stand. Just in time for Gay Pride month, the X-Men return to do that giant, blockbuster, "allegory about the persecution of homosexuals" thing. Wolverine alone looks like every guy you'll ever see in a leather bar, plus or minus a few razor-sharp fingers. had low expectations. It is a Brett Ratner movie, after all. But he's not bad with action sequences, and the ones here make you forget that he made Red Dragon and After the Sunset. It's the first halfway decent summer movie so far. It's only the fourth one, parading after M: I-3, Poseidon and Da Vinci. And Ihaven't seen any of those. Of special interest to followers of the comic book is the post-credits scene. Stay until the very end to check it out. Anyway, it was the best X-Men movie out of all three, and a lot of surprises. I am a big fan of the comic book Ultimate X-Men and this one had a few cameo's that made me happy, but no Gambit. I give this movie a 10. Incidentally, Logan liked it, but was scared at some parts. And for some crazy reason, he does not want to see SupermanReturns!

Well, that's about it. Check out the webshots page as I posted new pics. I will leave you with a random pic. Spread the word and not the turd.