Recently I was explaining to someone that the energy, of which spirituality speaks, is a non existing energy. Energy isn’t something that can be transmitted onto another person as if it was sound as if we are speaking with each other. It is something within the mind of one person and it becomes an surreal experience of that person. I illustrated this with energy transmitting as in Reiki, which I practised years ago. This conversation let me back to the Reiki evenings that I attended and after the conversation I had with this person I reflected further upon these evenings I had on a monthly base with a group of people.

My mother-in-law initiated me within Reiki and she was my master so to speak. The one I could turn to with questions. Every question I asked was answered by her with either, “I do not know” or “you are doing strange things with Reiki”, “I have no idea what you’re talking about etcetera”. So I was on my own and searched the web for answers, which wasn’t easy, to find genuine answers. At a certain point I found fellow Reiki practitioners and from one group I ended up into another. I stayed a few years with them as the group kept changing participants.

To me these evenings were my evening out doing my spiritual stuff. I was intrigued by this energy work, it gave me self-worth and last but not least specialness. I enjoyed belonging to this group though I perceived all the others as psychics and myself as a wanna be psychic. All the others had always amazing stories about how their energy powers had improved over the last month. I was just me and these stories made me quite insecure as if there was something wrong with me for the lack of these amazing stories. We were assigned to someone for the evening to practise the Reiki positions on and to develop our skills. In a way I felt threatened, I had this fear that they could see right through me and see my dishonesties. I simply didn’t want to share all with them.

We had one lady in the group and whenever she did Reiki on someone or received a treatment she was traveling in time back and forth. She could tell the most amazing stories, most of the time she drew symbols that she had received on her traveling. All the people in the group loved to hear her stories. Often she asked the one she was working with during such evening if they had traveled along with her. Also when I had her under my hands she disappeared totally in her mind, I of course did not see or feel anything. Due to the group pressure I kind of was ashamed for not being able to join her. At the same time I was strongly questioning her travel stories. The couple who organized it went completely along with this bullshit, so I thought it was me who was different. I never asked this lady what kind of books she had read and what kind of movies she had seen throughout her life. That probably had explained a lot of her amazing stories.

Whenever I was treated by someone else I never felt any energy, so I started wondering if I was blocking their energy, if it didn’t work on me or were they just bragging about their energetic abilities. When I had to say something about a person when we did our evaluation round I used cold reading, of which I back then didn’t know the name yet. I was very good in remembering what people were telling every meeting and I watched their body language really close. I registered their reactions towards others when psychic information was revealed. Whenever I told a person something about them within the evaluation round I was never telling them something new, I simply compiled a story with the information I’d got about them during the meetings and they always went into denial. To me it was clear that people preferred to hear only positive tralala information about themselves and absolute no confrontation with reality. I mean also I feared to be discovered for dishonesties, but it made me think though.

One evening a psychic medium was invited and we were asked to bring an item for this lady to touch. She could give information from the afterlife from diseased people that were close to us. I defined this as a special ability, to be able to predict or tell information through objects and for he most part of the evening my ability to apply common sense was gone. I was even nervous to get to my turn. I brought a broche from my great grandmother and I was eager to here something about her. Wow what a disappointment, all the other stories sounded so amazing and these people were almost flabbergasted. She told me that my great grandmother was dancing in heaven and having a great time and that was it. I never went to such a gathering again, we even had to pay for it.

So I was seeing the facts and I had experienced the fact that there was no transmission of energy going on and there was no such thing as someone telling me stuff I didn’t already know. Yet it took me quite a while to get off of this energy bullshit. It was the specialness and personality building around it that I wasn’t eager to let go off. It was the need for my “special hands”, I called my hands my first aid kit. On holidays I only took bandages and iodine with me, when ever the kids fell and hurt themselves I treated them with Reiki and stopped their wounds from bleeding. Now I can see that I wasn’t a master in Reiki I was a master in persuading people to manifest.

The turning point of no longer using my hands on others, was when I had treated an acquaintance several times and I expressed that his chest/heart area wasn’t feeling okay as in not okay energy. Weeks later I found out that the guy was brought to hospital with an ambulance after a heart attack. I felt so fucking guilty. In a way I felt and believed to be the causer of his heart attack and on the other hand I saw that I had planted a seed of fear within this guy which led him to a heart attack. It all felt so fucked up, I feared my capability for doing evil within an attempt of doing good. Good for my own profit. Not much later I found Desteni and energy work/spiritualism was one of the first things I investigated within the Desteni materials. To find out that it’s all in the mind, if it was real, love and light had already saved our planet. Our planet is in need of real solutions and no fantasies about the solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to blame my mother-in-law for not being of any support, while I was blaming me for having no answers to the chaos and search for specialness and purpose I was in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to seek specialness to gain self-worth through my actions instead of valuating myself for who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to believe in energy work as real since it provided me a personality with which I increased my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear myself for what I am capable of when it comes to creating and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear evil inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to live in a fantasy bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to feel jealousy on others who I perceived as psychic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to see my hands as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to need a purpose in life that is important and of value, instead of seeing that being here as me as life is enough.

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of specialness I stop and breath. I realize that seeking specialness is participating within the mind, while being here in every breath is being me and no longer searching for me within specialness. I will no longer participate within specialness, since there is no need to search outside myself in order to feel alive. I’ll direct myself to participate within the physical and not hiding within the mind behind any form of specialness.

About me

I'm Sylvia and I'm using this space on the internet to share my process. I'm sharing here my struggles in daily life to become a self-honest, common sensical being. Through self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and breathe I will change myself in order to change the world. To change the world and make it a better place for everyone equally, therefore I'll give my vote to world equality and an Equal Money System.

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