Go Green on St. Patrick’s Day: Five Crazy Ways to Help the Environment

n fact: if you ever go to Mars, you can never come back to Earth. Once your body adapts to the environment of Mars, it can no longer survive on Earth. I’m assuming the same would happen with any other planet that you could live on, and even so, it doesn’t seem that human beings will be able to settle on other planets any time in the near future. Unless the government is covering something up (cue the “crap, she’s onto us!” from all the undercover agents reading this.) That’s why we need to find ways to preserve our planet, and sometimes we’ll need to get creative. Case in point…

1. Peeing in the shower

I know it’s yucky, but every time you flush, you use about a gallon of water with a new toilet, and between three and seven gallons with an older toilet. You can save water by “letting the yellow mellow,” or simply by peeing in your shower.

2. Put “science” in your will

Thanks to science, we can convert cadavers into a liquid fertilizer through a process called “alkaline hydrolysis.” Pretty neat…until you remember that there’s a possibility that the fruit salad you’re chowing down on may contain traces of fertilizer made from dead people.

3. Patty power

Cows are infamous for producing a lot of methane. Methane is the same stuff that is often used to produce energy. Therefore, it’s not a load of bullshit (terrible pun absolutely intended) to say that cow methane can be put to use as energy, which would mean less methane in the atmosphere. There are already plans to convert cow waste into energy.

4. Watch NSFW Material

“Fuck for Forest” is an organization that shows pornographic material. Members have to pay for it, and some of the money goes toward preserving the rain forest.

5. Buy some creepy crawlies

If earthworms eat old pieces of garbage food, like apple cores, they can help turn them into compost that you can then use for your garden. You can also just put earthworms in your garden. The tiny holes that they dig in soil help nutrients and water get into the soil to nourish your plants, and they also excrete nutrient-rich waste. Aside from earthworms, there are other creepy crawlies for your garden: instead of spraying pesticides, you can get spiders, ladybugs, and praying mantises which will control the population of plant-destroying insects in your garden. As a bonus, ladybugs and mantises are beautiful insects.