Archive for March, 2008

We all have the occasional family fight, but as we find out this week at The Brick Testament, when you are God’s elect ruler over his chosen people, a squabble between father and son can result in the grisly death of 20,000 people. And while most of us hope for a relatively peaceful and relaxing old age, these six newly illustrated stories find King David living out his golden years in a constant and bloody battle for power as his sons, his subjects, his friends, and even his wife take advantage of his dwindling faculties.

Recent studies have shown that a single minority in the Unites States is responsible for 82% of all violent crimes, including 89% of all homicides and 90% of all rapes. “Were this minority to simply leave the United States–or be forcibly deported,” noted crime expert Professor James Talbert of UCLA, “violent crime would become an exceedingly rare phenomenon.” Alas, he notes, such a scenario is unlikely, as this ultra-aggressive minority has spread into every part of the US, and currently holds more than 90% of all top government positions.

After weeks of incessant itching leading to hair loss, doctors today diagnosed Rev. Smith with with mange, or sarcoptes scabei (seen here in this 1,000,000X magnified view). After being fitted with a cone collar to deter him from scratching his own head or gnawing at other body parts, Smith was heard to complain, “With this thing on, I can’t see! How am I supposed to go about my daily life?” Doctors reminded Smith that his eyes “can deceive [him]“, cautioned him not to trust them, and advised that he “stretch out with [his] feelings.”

Democrat Gov. Bill Richardson boldly crossed party lines and sanity lines today to endorse former Tennessee Republican Senator Fred Thomson. Political analysts were unsure what to make of Richardson’s surprise announcement, but expressed certainty that it would have no impact whatsoever on the 2008 presidential race. In his statement, the newly-bearded Richardson, admitted that he “hasn’t been paying too close attention” to the presidential race since he dropped out January 9, fueling speculation that he may be entirely unaware that Thompson ended his campaign for the presidency two weeks later on January 22.