I encourage you to post my friend.It's helped me enormously.For years I've been told to write things down ... like a kind of journal ...by T's and friends alike.I couldn't do it ... it was just too hard.I used to wonder why I would get so angry and frustrated and confused and discouraged every time I started to put things on paper.I think it was because of 3 things.

It scared the bejesus out of me.

I was scared of dropping dead and have someone else read it ...

and ... even here ... ESPECIALLY here ...

It makes my skin crawl to put things down on paper or in a post because itthen becomes true ... and it's out there for EVERYBODY to read FOREVER !!!!!!!!

It's been quite a surprise to learn that others write a lot but just can'tbring themselves to hit 'submit'.I don't know why ... and I don't think they do either.Some of the stuff I do put up is far worse than the things I don't.

You're not alone in that way.I can offer no advice on how to overcome that ... other than to use yourbetter judgement.Some of my stuff is just crap ... and unfortunately ... it get's put up anyway.I've had some real doozies. :P

Something that does drive me crazy is the indifference of the vast majority of peoplewho come to poetry ... read ... and have nothing to say.Amongst the regular guys and the odd outsider there is fantastic support and encouragement ...but some things are read 3,4, 500 and more times.Granted ... many of those numbers are re-reads ... but that still leaves a lotof people riding the rails without paying for the ticket.

Hi Greg ...I haven't forgotten you ... I've just been a bit pensive lately,so am staying low in fear of jump-starting another downward cycle.I have been running amok in 'poetry' again ...just burning up some energy.

I knew your story.As I mentioned ... we have spoken before ... some time ago I think ... but I never forgot you.We just never crossed paths again until now.

I simply can't imagine what happened to you ... and like you ... I feel sick at the very thought of it.I would guess you hear that from everyone ... even those who share your experience.

I have a problem absorbing ASA. I have never encountered it in my years of group therapy.When I first came here I was mostly in chat, and for a long while I would constantly refer to CSA and 'inner child'.One of the very first friends I made here was ASA and although I knew that it never dawned on me how thoughtless I was being until another ASA was in chat one day and they began to speak to each other. I was horrified.I felt as though ... since the very beginning ... I had been slapping my friend in the face.Even though he was always a part of the conversation ... essentially ... he wasn't.His situation was almost always overlooked ... we rarely spoke about ASA and yet there he was ...talking and supporting and caring for us ... and in fact ... we were leaving him out.Now when I go to chat I am very careful to make sure I know everybody in the the room before I use those terms ...especially the 'inner child' concept.They don't have one.Having that thrown in their faces ... all the time ... must really sting.

Why am I telling you this?

Because you are like my friend.

You must feel excluded a lot because of the overwhelming number of male abuse victims here.We ... as a culture ... find it hard to fathom.Men can be monster and women can be horrible ... that women can also be monsters is hard to swallow.For me ... it is the epitome of evil.To think that my Mother ... or GrandMother ... would be capable of such betrayal stops my heart.It goes against every fiber of my being.I've been aware of incest from my early childhood. There were two kids that were a product of Brother/Sister rape,but that falls under a man being the perp ... not a woman.

I'm mostly over being shocked by anything anymore.Like the ASA I'm more used to it now.In the end ... all I have to do is say She instead of He.

But it isn't nearly that simple is it my friend.

To get back to what you wrote ...

You are asking an impossible question ...black or whiteyes or no.

All I can say is to make a comparison.

An estimated 6.5 million Jewish people died in the Holocaust.6.5 million stories.I've never heard an estimate on how many Jewish people survived.

Some where utterly unable to cope and took their own lives.Some were so devastated that they lived a crippling existence.Some were able to somehow overcome and live a 'normal' life.

Yes ... I did make you go through it again ...purposefully.I wanted you to tell me your story directly and not as I remembered it.Your story is not too raw. You tell it as it is without going into gory details ...which would not be appropriate here and now anyway ... I don't think.I don't know if you can put up a trigger warning on somebody elses original post. ??If you do feel the need to unload some of the least pleasant details don't hesitateto tell me ... in any way you feel is best.It is I who thank you for having the faith and trust in me to share.I only say what I feel as I see it .. so you never need to worry about bullshit.

I'm at peace with my demons in that I don't feel the need to drag themfrom the darkness into the light.Wooden stakes and silver bullets don't work ... :Pand what sunshine there is in my life I don't waste on them anymore.I vent here in a general sense ... because I don't remember that much.I center my efforts at relieving the pressure on the aftermath of my abuse ...the root cause is too deep and pervasive to kill ...and the past can't be rewritten ... only bitched about.

I dunno, its hard. But i'm surviving. And other people are too. But it isn't easy. I try to go easy on myself.I wouldn't call myself a success story, because i've got lots of problems. But i'm still here, and i'm still going.I don't think you have to be doomed, but I hear you and relate to a lot of what you wrote.Benny

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