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i'm in a poly relationship in which the person i felt was on board with me through all of this has withdrawn sexually...time wise i feel like we are still primary because we live together and have child but in terms of her being fully present during that time is another story...right now, sometimes i feel like i'm the mechanism for her new fresh relationship (via childcare and being supportive of her personal and sexual growth) in which she does want to be fully present in and i know that if i felt she was fully present in our relationship and/or at least working on getting to a good spot that her having another relationship wouldn't bother me and i wouldn't feel like i'm being taking for granted and/or just put on hold while she maintains, grows and cultivates another relationship. the other part of it for me is that it seems so separate...i always imagined poly to be more open and involved and the person she's choosing to cultivate this relationship with is not at all comfortable with that and she seems to be okay with that and i don't think i am...i'm okay with separate relationships but i also feel the separation comes from some amount of non-disclosure on her part...
any thoughts? i welcome any all comments...

I think there is sometimes a fine line between poly relationships and having affairs. When there is a veil of secrecy or lack of at least minimal familiarity between all patners it creates the same negative energy as deceit and guilt. You're wife is missing a part of the beauty that can be found in a poly relationship. You are feeling used for a reason that is valid and justified but that can be changed if your wife and her partner learn more about poly relationships and how to create positive energy. Otherwise resentment will set in I believe. Good luck..maybe get her and him to do some reading on here.

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Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

We read, all the time, that relationships should go as slow as the slowest member. Right now that person is you. Whether she likes it or not you ARE a part of her new relationship. You need to know your feelings are valid (they are btw) and that she's hearing you when you voice your feelings or anything else.

Sit her down once the kids are settled for the night, have a babysitter, what ever and discuss this with her. Let her know how you're feeling. Write it down if you need to.

i'm wondering what that fine line is btwn poly and affair and know that it's different for everyone and different situations...but interested what folks may have to say?

...she's been nothing but honest in terms of having the relationship and her desire to be in it...and i love her so much for that...and wish she felt more comfortable sharing in a thoughtful manner...she also thinks i'm depressed over all and doesn't want to contribute to that and i understand where that comes from...but i also just lost a family member not too long ago and have a lot of shit going on around that and am feeling that in a real way and time is helping that...

she has said that she questions our relationship in general, irrespective of her current relationship...and at the same time imagines me in her future...

i guess i'm looking for strategies for patience without being delusional about what's really happening...

i feel like she does know exactly where i stand and what i'd like to work on and how i feel...i feel like we have great communication in that way and work hard on making time for that...and it hasn't and in some sense i don't think should stop her from pursuing what makes her happy...i think it's her questioning our relationship that allows her to justify that for herself though and that positioning makes me feel super vulnerable...am i just being untrusting and insecure...but i'm not untrusting...i "trust her like i trust myself" and so i know that's where my desire to be good, dig deep for patience, and continue loving her comes from...despite not feeling loved in a whole way...

For me the fine line between having an affair and polyamory is not fine at all. It's a great big thick line in the sand and it comes down to how much work all the parties are prepared to put in.

The label "primary" is controversial here but there is no other word to describe the relationship that basically holds the nuts and bolts of your life together. In my opinion if she wants her nuts and bolts held together in a convenient manner she needs to prioritize sorting out that relationship before "cultivating" another. And you my friend need to insist that she does.

this thread is painful to me because I see myself 2 months ago. But I had 20 years and six kids of history between us to help anchor us. My wife back then used to come out with distressing stuff too. It was like her head was just full of the other guy. I felt like I was on a knife edge . It was me that suggested we share her. I just wanted to save my marriage. We knew nothing about polyandry.
I wish I could say something to help you right now.
The fact that she feels it is OK to withdraw from you sexually is a bad indicator in my book.