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Losing and rediscovering ‘me’

To borrow a line from Amazing Grace, I once was lost but now am found.

Okay, the context is rather more mundane here. I’m not talking about redeeming my eternal soul or having a Road to Damascus-type revelation. But I’ve definitely had a moment of sorts. I’m rediscovering who I am – and enjoying that experience.

Phases and labels

In life, we go through phases. Not all of us go through all of them, but they are universally recognisable. There’s the ‘rebellious teenager’ phase, where we’re trying to assert our place in the world. Then there’s the ‘career’ phase, where we’re carving out a new identity and pursuing our ambitions in the world of work. The ‘family’ phase is when our focus shifts to our children. And so on.

Then there’s whatever phase I’m in now. I’m not sure what you’d call it. The ‘kids becoming independent’ phase? The ‘new lease of life’? Or maybe it’s just the ‘midlife crisis’? Who knows?

Regardless, I’ve been locked in the ‘family’ phase for the past 11 years. During that time I think I lost my identity behind a series of convenient labels: ‘dad’, ‘blogger’ and so on. In truth, there were also times when I chose to hide behind them.

As a ‘dad’, there are all the new father stories. The births – including Toby’s, when I delivered him myself on our living room floor. The sleepless nights. Nappy incidents. The key milestones: first word, first steps, first day of school. We all have them: to some degree, they define us as much as our children. You meet up with friends less often and when you do their first question is always, “How are the kids?” We fall back on telling child-related anecdotes rather than our own.

As a ‘blogger’, we develop our own alter egos. An avatar and a social media user-name. Words, images and videos. Our ‘personal brand’. The topics we cover, the brands we work with, the circles we move in – they all define us. At various times I have been a ‘daddy blogger’, a cycling writer, a TV reviewer, a podcaster, the singing bloke from BML16. All of these are me and yet not – just as a holographic projection isn’t the real me.

As individuals, we resist simplistic labels. But sometimes those same labels are convenient masks for when we don’t want to face the world or show it who we really are. Or because we’re just too damn tired. It’s easy to lose our sense of self in the midst of all this.

I think that’s what happened with me.

Lost and found

It’s not that I’ve been drifting aimlessly through life but equally I haven’t focussed on myself either. I lost ‘me’ among all these other labels and identities.

My health (as a type 2 diabetic) is a good example of this. I’ve invested so much energy into being a father and pursuing my blogging interests that my own health issues have been secondary. Which sounds ridiculous when you put it in writing, but that’s what happened. Losing sight of ‘me’ when you’re managing your other personas happens surprisingly easily.

At the beginning of 2018 I talked about making it the ‘Year of Me‘. That helped enormously. By giving myself permission to spend time on nurturing ‘me’ as well as my blog, work and family, I started to rediscover myself and appreciate that it’s okay to be a little bit selfish – or maybe that should be ‘self-focussed’ – occasionally.

Through the year, I started to make time for improving my health. At first it was small changes – tracking and increasing how much walking I did, for example. Eventually, I made some major diet and lifestyle changes. As a result, I’ve lost nearly three stone and transformed my fitness levels. I am (almost literally) half the man I used to be – and a much happier one.

The kids are growing – and so should I

At the same time, I am benefitting from the kids getting older and more independent. We don’t have to keep an eye on them every minute of the day any more and that increasing liberation allows me to spend more time on doing some of the things that I gave up as a parent of young children. Getting fit. Going out with friends. Enjoying life without constantly having to worry about the kids. Heck, I might even start going to the cinema again to see films that aren’t animated!

If the first step beyond the ‘family’ phase is to rediscover who I am then maybe, having put my personal growth on hold for so long, the next step is to discover new things I can embrace. The kids are growing up. Maybe it’s time I gave myself the chance to do the same.

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Interesting to hear it from a man’s point of view, because so frequently it’s the woman feeling like they’ve lost their identity given it’s usually the women who change their lives the most having children. You never think of the dad’s losing their identity as well.

I think it’s often not as bad for dads, especially those of us who keep on working as usual, even though kids inevitably take up a huge part of our time and energy. But it’s a huge change for stay-at-home dads, where the stigma of no longer being seen as the bread-winner of the house can be tough. My wife has had a challenging time of it, alternating long maternity leaves with returning to work with part-time working arranegements. Trying to be both a working mum and an available parent is very tough for her, more so than it is for me.

Self-focussed is a much better way of looking at it – taking time to find yourself isn’t selfish. It’s so easy to lose yourself under all the labels and I’m glad you’re taking that time to find yourself once more. It must be quite a shift when the kids are becoming more independent and you start having time for yourself again. #bloggerclubuk

It’s a real double-edged sword. It’s great to get some of our own time back but at the same time you see your kids becoming more independent and realise that it won’t be long before they don’t really want to spend any time with us at all!

Thanks Renee. Definitely, the improvements in my physical appearance and well-being are a big part of the change but only part of it. It’s been great to set myself challenging goals and to actually achieve them.

I think it’s so important to spend time focusing on yourself. All too often we forget that beyond the labels of mum, wife, friend, sister etc, there’s actually ‘myself’ and finding out who that is can be a revelation. Well done Tim. Thanks for joining in with #ThatFridayLinky

I can really relate to this post. I have forgotten who I am at times what with family, house, teaching….I’ve recentky put on a stone in weight and I don’t like it! I also don’t seem to have the energy to do anything about it! Your weight loss is inspiration so well done! I really need to get a handle on things before it’s another stone tbh…..#thatfridaylinky

It can really be a vicious cycle sometimes. I’ve been through the cycle of being too tired and feeling bad and consequently comfort eating and making myself feel worse before. It’s definitely as much in the mind as the body, though. Once I’d decided I was going to stop making easy excuses for myself, it was like flicking a switch. I’m still at the stage where my body can’t quite cope with the amount of activity I’m doing so I’m permanently a little tired and achy, but it’s tiredness with a feeling of virtue attached so I can live with that and power on through it. I guess we all have to find our own way out of that viciouc circle.

That’s so wonderful that you’ve learned to focus on yourself more! And congrats on the weight loss! I hope you find a better label than the ones you listed here for the phase past family, but then again, maybe this is the beyond-lables phase. #PoCoLo

There are so many things I love about this post and I am not sure where to begin. The term selfish has bothered me for some time so I like your term as it takes away the negativity and guilt we feel for focussing on ourselves. I can very much relate to how you talk about loosing yourself amongst the family years and I am too now enjoying that feeling of a bit more freedom now that my children are aged between 14 and 9 and can do so many things independently but still me for so much. There is less mummy (parental) guilt now and I have more of a sense of being comfortable in my parental role and what I am capable of. I think for me though what really grabbed me in this post was this line ” just as a holographic projection isn’t the real me” YES YES and YES! so much truth in this sentence. Thanks so much for sharing this post with us for #ABloggingGoodTime

That’s always been the trap for me – people start to see us only by those convenient labels and eventually we start to do it too. I’ve often felt guilty for not devoting more time to the kids (or to all the other drudge admin jobs necessary to help keep the house functioning) but it’s so important for our personal well-being to find at least a little time for ourselves.

Thanks! When it comes to weight loss, us men aren’t put under the microscope in the same way as you ladies but the struggle is much the same for those of us wanting to lose large amounts of weight. I can sympathise.

I am a part of two different ones. I have been on a path of self-discovery for the past several years now but I am also very much in the family phase still. My oldest will be 18 at the end of the year and my youngest will be a teenager at the end of the year. I have been thinking on this since January. I do have me time and such but now it’s becoming more apparent that maybe I should start doing things I really want to do (like travel) which has been hard for me to wrap my head around. I’ve been a mom so long I don’t know what to do now that they’re getting older. Great post Tim! You’ve given me something to think about. #ABloggingGoodTime

Thanks Michelle. You do definitely slip into a groover or comfor zone after a while, don’t you? And while the opportunity to spend more time doing some of the things you haven’t previously had time for is great, it still takes an effort to break long developed habits and actualy make yourself pick something new up. So much of it is convincing yourself to set aside all the reasons not to try something new and just take the plunge.

Such a good read. I really enjoyed reading about the point of view of a father. So many times people assume it is only women that feel lost and no idea who they are since becoming mom. It is a great reminder that dads feel that way too. #KCACOLS

Well done for making time for yourself, and I really like your suggestion of calling it self-focused rather than selfish!
I try to look after myself too, but in doing that, other things that need doing don’t get done, meaning I get stressed over the things that still need doing, and the time of focusing on myself then seems like a waste of time. Not sure I’ll ever get myself out of that viscious circle…
But well-done to you for managing it! And thank you so much for linking up with #KCACOLS, hope you come back again next time x

Life is always too busy to be completely in control of everything, isn’t it? But I’m a great believer in trying to keep some kind of balance so that you don’t have one disastrous area of your life that drags down everything else.