If your name is Snooki, you’re not ready to have a kid.

It’s been awhile… I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting… But I’m here now.

Welcome back, lovers. Did you miss me?

Settle in, I’ve got a lot of shit to say about this fuckery. When I say ‘this fuckery’, take a quick peek at that photo up there. That’s the fuckery I’m referring to.

I’m sure you’ve heard by now that young Snooki is pregnant. I wasn’t going to post anything about it, because quite frankly I was waiting for something more interesting to happen in gossipland (xoxo, sluts), but this whole debacle just kept spiralling out of control like Lindsay Lohan on a coke bender:

Basically, this shit blew up like fucking Hiroshima and I couldn’t not write about it, so let’s get to it.

So my first thoughts when I heard that she was up the duff (like Hilary, who, incidentally, is also up the aforementioned duff) was a big, sarcastic ‘SURPRISE!’

Like, you take one look at that tiny slut and you just know she’s unashamedly climbing any dude who’ll take her. I’ve seen one entire episode of Jersey Shore, and that’s legitimately all I needed to make that decision.

Now, her pregnancy may not be particularly interesting news to me, but it certainly is to her ex Emilio Masella, who told TMZ he hopes she miscarries, to ‘save her from the baby she’s not ready for’. His exact words, from TMZ, were this:

I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage.

And he said this after being issued a cease and desist for saying that she should get a paternity test because the father could be him or Vinny, who I assume is one of the Jersey Shore douchebags. I can’t even keep track of them, they all look the same, seriously. I mean, okay, look at this Emilio guy:

Ducklips have never looked sexier, right? Gross. But tell me he doesn’t look like the lovechild of Ronnie and the one with the ridiculous hair on the far right?

Seriously. If they banged, that’s totally what their douchebag guido son would look like.

Meanwhile, Sammi ‘Sweetheart’, jumped to “defend” Snooki, in what may be the worst defence of all time:

It’s not like she’s 16 and pregnant.

She said some more shit after that, including something about how she’s gonna be a ‘fun mom’

But none of it was as interesting as the first bit. I’m sorry, what?

It’s not like she’s 16 and pregnant.

Exactly. That’s exactly it. She’s not sixteen. She’s twenty four. And you know what you should be at twenty four if you’re out getting shitfaced and jumping dudes like it’s a competitive sport? Fucking old enough to know better, that’s what.

In all seriousness, I have no actual judgement for her partying, she can do what she wants, but implying that she’s going to be a better mother than the girls who get pregnant at sixteen? That’s bullshit. It legitimately doesn’t matter what age Snooki is, you can take one look at her and tell she’s not ready for a kid, regardless of whether she planned it or not, regardless of whether she wants it now or not. If I had a kid, and had to choose who would look after my kid out of her or the girls from Teen Mom, this is the order it would go in:

Maci

Farrah

Leah

Chelsea

Catelynn

Kailyn

Snooki

Amber

Jenelle

You see what I’m saying? The only ones below her are the two psychotic felons. Point is, I love Teen Mom Snooki’s age has nothing to do with whether she’ll be a good mother, and Sammi may or may not be a sweetheart, but she’s dumb as a box of hair.

Moving on, this is the new edition of Us Weekly:

Oh em gee, indeed.

Here are the choice quotes that Snooki’s baby will get to read (hopefully, I’m not convinced anyone from the cast of Jersey Shore can read yet) when he or she gets old enough: