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The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor started off strong as we got to witness the series’ first minority become the Bachelor, a piano playing cyclist barely cyle or play the piano, and the inevitable casting of the ‘first night breakdown girl’. Hot as our new Hispanic soccer playing bro is with and without his shirt, I had to turn up the volume on my TV several times to understand what the fuck he was saying.

Also, it might have to be noted that Juan might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer. Seriously, was yesterday Camila’s or his first day of kindergarten? At times we had trouble figuring it out. Juan learned some classic kindergarten lessons like how to remember names and was in awe of the lawyer who knew how to read. In addition, he’s getting better at speaking even though he made the first and to my knowledge only Male Model of the Year Award inspired Bachelor faux pas of speaking so indistinguishably that the wrong girl thought she got a rose and came forward. I guess that makes Kylie the Zoolander to Kat’s Hansel. “Can you just take the both of us?” Well this is awkward…

Finally, just like the rest of the seasons of the franchise, we got to play ‘milk previous contestants’ appearances for ratings’ as Sean Lowe showed up to give his Eskimo brother Juan Pablo some important lessons like ‘be yourself’ and ‘take your shirt off a lot’. But really, the only thing we learned from Sean’s appearance is that he’s gained some weight last year. Enough of this shit though, let’s take a look at this season’s crazies:

Chelsie – Chelsie adds the nice touch of speaking to her housekeeper to learn Spanish. This must be the first time she’s seen a photobooth as she’s the only one of the Bachelorettes who even mentions it and she can’t figure out how to actually get in the pictures. Also, the photo booth was not Juan Pablo’s idea. It was ABC’s. GET WITH IT DUMBASS.

Renee – Likes paddle boarding and her son. “He’s got a great head on his shoulders.” – he’s 8. Is the rule for this show that you can be a single parent but you need to only have one kid and it has to have been an accident?

Andi – Gang prosecutor in a court that is obviously legit enough that they allow ABC’s camera crew into the court room. Upon learning Andi is a lawyer says “’omg you read a lottttt’. Big connection. Obvi.

Amy J – Massage therapist, considers herself an artist. She’s the only one. Amy creepily also lets the cameras watch her massage a client. Also, seems fucking nuts but we knew that even before she brought JP some essential oils. But really, she’s Phoebe Buffay. Was she wearing a wig? Obviously she called ahead to make sure ABC had a massage table in the backyard of the mansion. Actually babbled this nonsensical mumbo jumbo after being rejected: “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man to build a family….MORE ESSENTIAL OILS!!”

Nikki – Pediatric nurse. Will probably play this card in every single conversation on the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo on Nikki: “You. Heart. Boom. Boom.” Playing word association for ‘Nikki the Nurse’. Actually he’s talking to her like she has special needs.

Nikki: “You should come visit. Maybe next week.”

Juan Pablo: “Maybe next month.”

Lauren H – Fiancé broke up with her so she’s looking for JP to be her rebound skank. She seemed so normal in her intro until we learned that she’s a mineral coordinator so I guess she organizes rocks for a living. Unsurprisingly she’s the first episode breakdown girl. This reminds me of the scene in Shawshank Redemption when they all take bets over which new prisoner will cry the first night of prison and Morgan Freeman loses 2 packs of cigarettes for thinking Tim Robbins will break but he doesn’t. Except of course not because this is A DATING SHOW and not a corrupt federal prison in the 40s. Lauren decides to open with THIS: “I was engaged a few months ago and I”m obviously so over it because I’m crying hysterically. I was ready to be a stepmom and he just turned 3 so obviously there’s a connection between you and me because you have working sperm just like my last boyfriend who dumped me.”

Valerie – Horse trainer or something. Good with a bow and arrow. Thinks she’s Katniss Everdeen.

Lacy – Runs an elderly care facility probably as a mechanism to find a sugar daddy. May or may not be Mother Theresa.

Amy L. – News reporter from Orlando. Makes hand gestures like a Disney character, it must come with the proximity to Disney World.

Christine – Brings a gift for his daughter who is not here and whom she’s never met. Proves you need more than a tight dress and a shitty camp bracelet to get to round two.

Lucy – Free spirit is her actual job. Fucking barefoot pixie freak. Token nutcase and self proclaimed drifter. Actual line: “Bam. I’m here. I’m Lucy.” And on top of that he gave her a rose

**It should be noted that crazy fucking Lucy who can probs now add HepC to her chamber of diseases from walking around the Bachelor house barefoot is the founder of Snapchat’s (current/former?) girlfriend and proclaims to be BFF with Kate Upton. Here’s an exerpt from her Bachelor application:

Who do you admire most in the world and why? I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin, my mother for her patience with me, and Steve Jobs for always believing in himself. – RUN JUAN PABLO, RUN

Ashley – Grade school teacher. Puts a gold star on his freshly pressed suit so therefore does not get a rose.

Claire – Hairstylist. Fake pregnant belly “I know you want more kids so here I have some.” That was really weird. How many producers and how much money did it take to get this girl to agree to do this for the promos? I can’t believe fake pregnancy girl got the first rose.

Kelly – Dog Lover. That’s her actual occupation. Does ABC have a clause against animal cruelty? The dog’s like, “this shit is lame I’m out”. Kelly and her dog get a rose and then Kelly tells the dog it did a job well done in emotional manipulation.

Kylie – Wearing a pretty pretty princess dress. Kylie is an interior decorator but has to work on decorating herself. She will also be known as the first casualty of Juan Pablos’ accent.

(Side note: Pretty sure Juan Pablo doesn’t get that you’re not supposed to talk to the cameraman.)

It’s also interesting to note that Chris Harrison has redacted the “give a rose to anyone you like in the moment” clause that he allowed for Des and Sean during the first night probably because of his inability to verbally explain it to Juan Pablo.

Sharleen – Opera singer gets the first impression rose in a weird twist of events that I was not expecting. JP thinks they’re bonding while she’s telling him how hard it is to be a vegetarian in Germany. She stands out from the rest of the group because she doesn’t speak a word of Spanish and she doesn’t even care enough to try. Says the word weiner. When he gives her the first impression rose she actually goes “Seriously?”

Juan Pablo, so smooth right now: “I think you’re very elegant. I like the way you are.” Sharleen upon accepting the rose looks like she’s accepting a turd or an invitation to go to Applebees: “uh yeah I guess I’ll take it. I mean… It’s like whatever.”