Friday, November 8, 2013

Being Thankful..... Mostly.

It is November, the season of thanks. SO I have tried every day to post what I am thankful for in my life. And boy do I have so much. I truly am so very blessed. I have a husband who has always without fail been my knight. He fights for me. He keeps me safe. He knew there was more going on with my health than we thought and pushed for answers even when I had allowed past issues to make me wonder if i wasn't just crazy and lazy and broken. I see so many with this disease who are alone because the people around them abandon them and refuse to believe them. I know a few who still have loved ones close but are abused because they are faking it, or lazy, or liars, or manipulators.

I have my kids and that is incredible. Their births were miracles. They grow more beautiful every day in personality, character, and grace. They are supportive of my bad days and great fun on the good.

I have extended family who always backs me up, parents not by blood who choose to love me and be supportive of me. I have some great docs trying to get me healthy, I have a home that is a bit big for me but perfect for hosting visitors. (We have over 30 at Thanksgiving) I have food to cook. I have a vehicle that I adore that lets me go visiting if I want to. I have my imagination that has led to my writing that hopefully leads to some published books. I have a great page with awesome fans that I hope to get back to some fundraising work on.

Life is good. Honestly almost perfect. Except.... The other day my brother made a post on his fb page for the whole world to see. He posted how excited he was to come visit for a whole week at Thanksgiving. First real visit in over 2 years. I think last time he was here Lexi was turning 2. She is now almost 5. So actually almost 3 years. He then said he just wished he could be with our father and I at the same time and asked my thoughts. On his open facebook.

Talk about put on the spot. I tried to be very polite and somewhat vague as I have multiple coworkers on my page. Yet he pressed and pressed. To the point of telling me he hoped it wasn't his or dad's death that brought me around and that I wasn't being fair to him or my kids or my dad.

Now I know my Dad is upset by the fact I asked for space. Complete space. And I realized I want that space because I do not trust him. When I call is it nice accepting dad or ranting dad who belittles and demeans and expects me to ignore that? I don't trust him to handle my children the way I ask.

And my brother knows this. And I wish, just one time, he said "I don't necessarily agree with your choice but I am behind whatever you need to do 100%. I want you to feel good and feel happy in your life. I understand that stress makes you ill and know that sometimes for that moment you have to make choices that might seem harsh. I love you."

Instead I feel pressured and pushed and stressed and like I am the bad guy when it shouldn't be about good or bad and just about me needing time. I have never had a blood relative (other than my kids) say to me "I back you 100%, I accept you. I am proud of you and I think you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are." I may be an adult but there is still a part of me that craves that. I get it from my in laws, from my adoptive family. I get it from friends who have become family. Yet the 2 people in the world I need it from seem unable to give that unconditional love and acceptance.

1 comment:

Kim,I am so sorry you are having to deal with this kind of pain and stress! I've been there and done that. It was extremely difficult for me, my sister and Mom. Dad left Mom for another woman. He had been lying and manipulating all of us. My sister basically disowned him. I still have a relationship with him but it is strained. Mostly because I lost most of my respect for him after finding out all of the lying, manipulating, cheating etc. I felt like the bad guy a little for continuing a relationship with him. Fortunately, my Mom and sister were understanding and supportive. Now, 4 years later, I'm still not sure which one of us made the right decision. Maybe both of us did. One thing that has changed though is that now I know that Dad is incapable of 100% unconditional love. His love and affection always comes with strings attached. And, just like with my ex-wife, I can't trust him with my heart.

I had to deal with my failed marriage and my Dad at the same time. The stress broke my spirit and it broke me physically. I started having panic attacks. Not mild ones that leave you a little shaken and make you want to go see your doctor, but bad ones that make you feel like you're having a heart attack. I spent 3 months dealing with it with my GP. They very obviously were out of their comfort zone trying to treat me so I finally went to a real psychiatrist. Whew! What a relief to finally find someone who knew what was happening to me and how to treat it. I finally got some relief from the panic attacks, and have dealt with all of the pain and emotional trauma since then. But in many ways I am still broken and I'm not sure I can ever be put completely back together again. I don't know if I will ever be able to open myself up completely to someone again, like I did with my ex and my Dad. For now, I have my cats, some good friends, a good job and my family. That's enough. One good thing that came from that time is that it brought my sister, my Mom and I much closer. :-)

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. There is so much more that could be said. The point I want you to take away from this, is to find some way to relieve the stress. Any way to relieve the stress. Stress like this can do things to your body that you won't believe, and those things are all bad. I pray that this all works out for you. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy!

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