Sunday, February 20, 2011

I'm not quite in the proper mood to write a blog, but I have a fairly substantialchunk of time I need to kill.

Remember how I said Lord of the Flies was next on my reading list? I mistakenly gotThe Grapes of Wrath from the library and am currently working on reading that. I'mtaking my time because it's not the easiest read, but I like it so far. Yes, even thefour chapters about the turtle crossing the road. There was a severe disconnect forquite some time because I had looked up the synopsis of Lord of the Flies, expectingto read that next and, for quite some time, while I was reading the chapters aboutthe turtle and the dust storms, I kept wondering when the characters would end up ona remote island and have to establish their own government. Heh. Good old disconnect.I also got Neuromancer from the library and it is sitting on my pile for when Ifinish The Grapes of Wrath. My goal is to finish The Grapes of Wrath by my birthday.

Oh, hey! My birthday's coming up! Should I be excited? I'm not. I'm usually not aparticularly excitable person, actually. And, even I were a more excitable person,it's only number twenty. The only significant landmark associated with twenty is thecessation of the teenage age and the accomplishment of being one more year closer tolegal freedom. Haha, legal freedom. Anyway. Birthday? No big deal. I only noticed itwas coming up because I was working at the library and the due date for some itemshappened to be the date of my birthday.

There was an article in the most recent edition of the college newspaper that startedout by saying "I hate Valentine's Day!" The author went on to simply say that theday always reminds him of his loneliness. The rest of the article had nothing to dowith Valentine's Day OR his loneliness.

I will be having an interview sometime next week for my application to be an RA nextyear and, with a fear of high expectations in mind, I AM SO EXCITED.

Also, today I met with a Sociology professor to get general advice about grad school.I had arrived early and was waiting in the lounge when she arrived and asked me ifshe was late. She made no move to look at a watch, so I'm guessing she doesn't wearone. Neither do I, but my phone is my timekeeper. I started not wearing a watch afew years ago for one of my classes as an experiment in sacrifice and relaxation.The experiment required me to not wear a watch for a full week. I haven't worn onesince - with the exception of during my trip to Australia. And then I became moreand more attached to my phone. And then I entered a world where the structure ismandated by time and anxiety has been conditioned with being late. So, essentially,the world I'm in doesn't allow a timeless freedom and that's a shame because Ireally do enjoy it. But, no, I'm held to my class schedule, my work schedule, myactivity schedule, the dining schedule, and so on. I've known people on both sidesof the continuum in regards to responding to this structure. I know the kind whorebel completely and lose almost all sense of time. I know the kind who embrace theoverwhelming nature of structure with multiple calendars or other methods ofkeeping a schedule. I'm suppose I'm close to being balanced and moderate, but Iwould prefer to be more toward the timeless side. In my current environment, thebest way to make that happen would be to schedule all classes in one big chunk eachday. That way, I could keep going until I was done and wouldn't have to look at thetime, except to know when to start.

Speaking of being overwhelmed, I feel that I've become even more OCD since thebeginning of this semester. For nearly a week, almost every day, I've been writingmyself a daily to-do list. To me, this seems excessive. Am I busier? Have I too muchto do? No, just the opposite. I have things to do, obviously, but I have just littleenough that suppose I fear it would be easy to sit and do nothing. So, instead,I've been writing myself daily to-do lists that I commit myself to completing beforeI allow myself to sit and do nothing. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. This sounds likeworkaholicism to me (which, apparently, I've never posted about?). Not allowing one'sself to enjoy nothingness until everything is completed? I do believe that was mybrother and my working definition of workaholicism... Oh dear, dear, dear. But itcan't be! I've been doing SO much nothing! I watched the entire first season of anew tv show over the past two days! I'm doing nothing right now! I'm going to donothing tonight! Perhaps this workaholicism would only be a severe problem if I hadmuch more to do and thus never scheduled time for myself to do nothing. Maybe it'sokay so long as I don't get to the point where I would need to schedule time to donothing? Even so, my increasing reliance upon daily to-do lists is becoming a bitdisconcerting...

From Thursday to yesterday, I had a test in all four of my classes that have tests.I will post a school update when all of those have been returned.

Also, I am really, really static-y. I'm at the library and, every time I get up togo to the laptop shelves, I get shocked on the metal case. And, every time I sitback down in the computer chair, I get shocked on my laptop. Ahhhhhghghhrhrghghgh.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My relationship status does not influence this opinion. Just like the date ofFebruary 14th should not influence how people act toward their significant others.

Going above and beyond simply because it is February 14th, to me, has a sense ofinsincerity. If you're going to go above and beyond toward your significant other,you should go above and beyond every day. It's a matter of integrity.

Similarly, the fact that February 14th causes the above and beyond to be societallyexpected adds another level of insincerity. Going above and beyond simply becauseit is expected by both society and one's significant other, well, it starts to feellike lying.

What most amuses me is that the general reaction to my opinion is that I am bitterbecause I am single. When I argue that is not the case, I am probably labeled asin-denial. I can't say anything to make you believe me other than that that is false.

In contrast, I am not a relationship cynic to the point where I disregard thesignificance of anniversaries or random acts of romance. While anniversaries may beable to be argued against in the same fashion as the above (because they tend tobecome societally and romantically expected), to me, an anniversary is differentthan Valentine's Day because, while expected, the date holds significance.

Here's an open invitation to argue why the date of February 14th is significant andhow that significance is legitimate.

Anyway. Anniversaries are okay (in moderation... one week? Ridiculous.) because theycan express dedication and re-dedication to the relationship, as well as significanceof both the relationship and the date. Anniversaries are alright because the datedoes hold significance for the relationship, as it is when the connection was really(really meaning officially and/or publicly) solidified.

But the premise of Valentine's Day? To show extra affection toward one's significantother? No. There is no real reason, other than society. And to show extra affectionon one particular day for no legitimate reason (anniversary) looks like a lack ofintegrity which looks like insincerity.

I feel like I'm going to repeat myself if I keep writing, so I'll simply end with onemore way to convince you of my honesty.

I do not support the premise of Valentine's Day. Similarly, I do not support thepremise of Mother's and Father's Days, much to the dismay of my mother. Sorry, mom.

Regardless, my mom sent me roses and baby's breath, but not because society expectedher to, simply because she loves me. Right, mom? Also, because they were on sale. :)

Lastly, because I was just questioned... it is not a matter of me disliking today.It is a matter of me disagreeing with the entire premise. :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

I am so sleepy. In retrospect, I feel like I always require more and more sleep aslife continues.

During my senior year of high school, a typical day looked like this:Wake up around 5amWork from 5:30am-noonStop at home for some lunchGo to Algebra class at PSU York from 1-1:50pmBabysit from 2-5pmRun home for some dinnerGo to class at HACC York from 6:30-9:35pmGo home and do some homework before going to bedWake up around 5amWork from 5:30am-...And so on and so forth.

How did I not die? AND how did I get all my work done?

During my first semester here at Bridgewater, roomie and I would stay up untilabout 1am, on average. Usually a little later; sometimes much earlier.

During my second semester here at Bridgewater, I stayed up until about 2am, onaverage. Sometimes a little later; sometimes a little earlier.

Last semester, roomie and I were tired around 11pm and exhausted by midnight.

This semester, I'm sleepy NOW. I could go to bed right now and be totally okaywith that. (It's currently 7:30pm. I don't know why the timestamp on this says4:13pm.)

When did I get so old?

And it's not like I didn't sleep last night. I was in bed at midnight and set myalarm at 12:15am. I don't recall waking up until 8am. Theoretically, I got enoughsleep. I can't say whether or not I slept well, but I should have slept enough.

I was planning on taking a nap today, but didn't have time. I didn't have much todo today, as far as actual work; but only had 3.5 hours of genuine free time.Genuine free time meaning no scheduled classes or meetings or work that can befilled by leisure activities, eating, sleeping, or homework.

The point of all this is that I am ridiculously sleepy. I'm not even particularlytired or exhausted; just sleepy.

On a side note, I seem to have taken to the style of attaching an end-thought witha semi-colon, rather than making it a sentence fragment.

That was pointless.

In other news, I've still been thinking about leaps. I'm currently at the library,working my shift from 7-9pm, and the girl that I relieved is a Freshman. She isa Freshman. Sorry, feminists. I met her last semester through a friend who is nowan RA and I think one of my suitemates had a class with her. Anyway. She is aFreshman and, immediately after I thought of that, my mind reminded me that, lastyear, I was a Freshman. That makes me feel really weird. Granted, I am in a complexposition... being a second-year student, but also a Junior who will graduate infifteen months. Sheesh. That makes me feel weird, too.

I was a Freshman last year, but I don't feel like I was a Freshman last year.

Leap.

Although it does make sense... technically, I was a first-year college student whenI was a Junior in high school. Almost. I'd frame it more in the sense that I was afirst-year college student during my Junior and Senior years of high school. So,following this train, I was more of a Sophomore during my first year at Bridgewater.In some terms, I was a Freshman; but I wasn't and I didn't feel like it. But I alsodidn't feel like a first-year.

Anomaly.

I probably wrote about this somewhere last year. It mostly feels weird to say "lastyear." It feels like longer than that.

Perception.

I probably wrote about this somewhere last year. The complexity of being a first-year, non-transfer, homeschooled, Sophomore college student.

Yup, anomaly. (what a strange-looking word)

I'd like to write about feminism, but I'd want to do some legitimate research inorder to actually be able to know what I'm talking about, primarily in regards tothe first-, second-, and third-waves of feminism. Maybe when I meet with anotherSociology professor to discuss grad school advice, I'll ask her to tell me about it.I'm certain that she would be thrilled to share with me. Anyway. I'd like to writeabout feminism, but I don't want to do the research right now and Wikipedia wasentirely not helpful (for once).

In regards to being sleepy, I wonder if it has something to do with how littlework I have to do as of yet. Sure I have work to do and I have been doing work, butI mentally-prepared myself for the most difficult and time-consuming semester of myentire college career. So far, it's let me down. But that's perfectly fine.

Anyway. This hypothesis was more fleshed out in my mind, but it bores me now.

That's really all I wanted to write about, but I'll go ahead and talk about mydystopia binge. I've been reading for pleasure so much, as of late. It all startedwhen a student in my Interterm class mentioned A Brave New World. I immediatelychecked it out from the library and read it. Next, I read A Clockwork Orange.Next on the list was 1984, but I first watched the movie version of A ClockworkOrange. While I am the type of person to generally prefer books over movies*, themovie was very well-done and the last scene made a much greater impression visually,as opposed to the book.

*Although I mostly do agree with the argument that books and movies are very, verydifferent media and cannot be compared very well and usually should not be compared.

Next was 1984. After that, I read a borrowed copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,which, while a deviation from my dystopia binge, was highly recommended and extremelyworth my time.

Right now, I am reading The Catcher in the Rye. While it is technically a coming-of-age novel, it's very good so far and may end up relating to Perks. I'm not sure yet,as I'm only at page 88 out of 214, and I didn't know any of the plot before readingit. But anyway, it's been on my list to read for quite some time.

While I was reading Clockwork, I began to realize that I was on a dystopia bingeand compiled a list of dystopia novels, according to a few internet sources. Nexton the list is Lord of the Flies.

Speaking of dystopia stories, I also enjoy a few apocalyptic stories, although I amnowhere near as obsessed with them as old mister Nathan was. However, if you'd likea good, heart-wrenching short story to read, look up "Song Before Sunset" by DavidGrigg. It's ridiculous because you figure out what's coming before it does and itis a strange feeling to know what is going to happen and be able to see it unfoldbefore you. Premonition does not lessen the emotion of watching that event.

I'm not sure if I'll be in the mood to read Lord of the Flies. If not, I'll move itdown a few spots on my list and read Neuromancer by Willam Gibson.

I think I may have just overheard a student say that "efficacy" and "efficiency" arethe same thing. Oh dear, dear, dear.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The following post was first written in my personal journal yesterday, February 2, 2011. I willgently edit it to post here.

I have a feeling that it would be a good idea to read this post in its entirety or not at all, astopic order is a bit inconsistent, because I did not edit it in regards to organization and thusfollows the mental flow of a real journal entry. I edited very little.

Here's to being vulnerable. Cheers.

_______________________________________________________________

February 2, 2011

Well, it took eight days of being in the Spring semester, but I finally feel good about school.Really. I feel so good. I felt really good on the last night of Interterm - Jan 20 - and that lastedthe weekend to the first day of Spring classes - Jan 26. Both of these times - that weekend andright now - it's been a really deep, sincere kind of good. A good that I hadn't felt in a long, longtime. I estimate at least a year. And it had to have been fairly over a year, now that I thinkabout it in terms of landmark events. A few weeks ago, I realized it was soon going to be a yearsince I "met" Nathan. That felt weird. I told Ryan and he didn't get it. But it's a landmark. Andit feels weird to see those landmarks moving further and further away. Like I can think aboutother landmarks and they feel so strange... A best friend friendship really fell apart back inAutumn '04. '04! That's six and half years and that length of time feels a bit ridiculous. Evensaying I met Jeremy and Ken September '07 sounds like an age ago. I was sixteen. Sheesh.And I think I'm a baby now. Anyway. The point of this is that I hadn't been deeply andsincerely happy (satisfied?) for quite some time. Sure, I was happy, but not like this. Not thisgood. And sure, I can never know for sure because happiness is subjective, especially when itgets skewed by memory and time, but I know that, right now, I feel really good.

You know what I miss? Having someone read my journal. Rather, writing a journal specificallyfor someone to read and evaluate my reflections. (I suppose that's why I decided to post mostof this journal entry.) In the post before my last, I was alluding to the fact that the fundamentalthing in a relationship is to have a compatible dating/relationship philosophy and how that waswhat I currently had. But things (change, progress; but neither of those are the right words)happen in leaps. I posted about compatible philosophies a few days before Ryan and I began tobreak up.

...began to break up. I find a lot of truth in that sentiment. In my experience, however limitedit may be, that's how it happens. With Nathan, we began to break up because he ignored me.With Ryan, we began to break up when we both acknowledged the distance was harder thanwe anticipated and that it would only get worse. I wonder if there are ever instances where twopeople begin to break up, but don't. And, not only do they stay, but the really stay. Not just forconvenience or comfort or some other insecure reason, but because they really want to staytogether. I imagine it's possible, but probably nearly entirely unlikely if one or both personsframe the obstacle in terms of beginning to break up. "What we believe to be real is real in itsconsequences." (Thomas Theorem, self-fulfilling prophecy)

I'm entirely not writing about what I intended to write about. But I feel so good. And I'm happywith my writing style. And I am so independent, but not alone. I know I'm jumping all over theplace, but I'll blame it on the fact that I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower lastnight and finished tonight. So some of that frantic writing style has been absorbed.

Anyway. I hadn't been happy with my writing style for a short time. I wrote academically wellenough, but couldn't really bring myself to write privately and be satisfied with how I said whatI had to say. My writing had been called repetitive and unclear. And I know I can be redundant.It's how I find the right, best way to say something. I don't delete the first tries because theyadd poetry. But I tried to be more concise and I couldn't. It was like trying to be concisesuffocated my mind to the point where I couldn't communicate sufficiently at all. I really dosound like Perks right now.

In the meantime, I'm trying to decide if and how I want to post this as a blog. I feel like notposting the whole thing would do it a disservice and that it would be really freeing to be sovulnerable. To make myself, no, allow myself to be so vulnerable. That's why I want someoneto read this. I guess there's no reason not to post the whole thing, except that it might seemless important once it is made public. (I'm posting this nearly in its entirety. I justified theprecious argument because it is equally important to me because it was in my journal first.)

I suppose I should write about academic things. I only hope doing so does not stop me fromfeeling so good. Maybe I should write about feeling so good first, so that if academic topics dointerfere, I can read and remind myself. Yes. In short, I really cannot explain it adequately.(For your information, my new-found happiness was not induced in any artificial way, meaningI haven't turned to drugs or anything like that. Figured I'd put your mind at ease, mom.)but I really feel like I am me. Genuinely, sincerely. Thus, I am sincerely happy. I felt like thisAug-Sep '09 during the first few weeks of my first semester here at BC. Well, the first few weeksafter the first few weeks. I felt genuinely me because no one here knew me and had nopreconceptions or expectations. It felt really good. And that's essentially how I feel now.

I write redundantly, as discussed earlier. I am very independent - I don't mind eating alone orsitting somewhere by myself to read and write. Conversely, I very much enjoy people - it's whyI like working in the library or walking across campus; I like saying hi to people and I likepeople saying hi to me. I don't know what else to say. I feel good right now and, while I want tokeep feeling good, I primarily want to remember that I feel good.

Anyway. (Blubber) Academia!

I really want to draw. Anyway. And sew my pillow. Annnnnyway!

Psychology Research MethodsIn class the other day, I was listening to my professor talk about his teaching philosophy andconsidering the overall theme of If I Were a Teacher. I think one of the Sociology professorsis probably my favorite teacher here at BC, but this particular Psychology professor is a veryclose second. Additionally, I think he best-exemplifies my book. I haven't said this before, butit feels strange to say "my book" because it's not a book yet. Sometimes I say "my book idea,"but that is also insufficient because it is more than an idea. "Work-in-progress book?" Toomany words. Anyway. My Psychology professor is great and I'm glad my first class on MWFis with him because he is an awakening individual. I mean that in the most literal sense. Asfor the class, it is super-cake because all this general methodology was drilled into my headso much last semester. I even opted out of buying the textbook for this class. I know! Me!Without a textbook! On Monday, we worked in small groups to complete a 40-question testabout APA term paper style. I loved it. SO much. I am SUCH a nerd. We also formulatedconcrete groups and chose a topic from provided options and my group is doing somethingrelated to positive allusions vs. reality, which was my first choice. I wonder how much I'll likethis course when I actually have to do any substantial amount of work for it. Probably enough.Today, we talked about research ethics and if it is ethical to use any deception in research, evenif it is necessary to prevent skewed results. One girl said no and I originally agreed with her,but as I thought about it, I decided that deceptions is more a matter of morals. In my opinion,any degree of deception is not moral and should be avoided. But that doesn't mean that thereare never times when it can be ethically justified - whether for research or personal reasons.Morals and ethics are not the same.

GeologyGeology is fine. Better now that we've actually started talking about rocks and looking at rocksand touching rocks. I like rocks.

Group ProcessA very strange class. I just remember I had to write a journal entry about class yesterday, soI just did that and now no longer want to write about it here. But I'll try. It's a required coursefor Information Systems Management majors and an elective for Sociology majors, so the classis about half and half. Essentially, the course is as student-led as possible. Discussions, format,division of assignments, weights of grades, etc. The first day was exciting because it remindedme of the group lab from SOC101 at HACC, but it was absolutely terrifying. Yesterday was azillion times better and I WANT to go tomorrow. So that's good. But it's still scary. I hope it willturn out to be my favorite course.

Social InequalityI feel like I hear a lot of terrible things about this course and its professor last semester. But, sofar, so good. The professor is a bit unorganized, but otherwise awesome and hilarious. It's a lotof review material so far, but I'm trying my best to focus on learning all that I can. That's mygoal for this semester. Also, most of the class is everyone from Methods, so I love havinganother class with all of them.

Methods II (Socio)For the division of labor this semester to actually do the survey, I volunteered to be on Team Aand we will handle the organization/compilation and editing/proofing of the entire surveyinstrument. Remember how I said I love to proofread? Yup. It's a giant task, but I get to helpmake things consistent! Yay! Yesterday, the time approached and passed 3:30 and I finallyleft at 3:50 so that I could be at half of Jazz Band. I hate being late to Jazz, but I even more hateskipping out on Methods early. A classmate-friend said they didn't get out until at least 4:15.So that was ridiculously stressful. Actually, yesterday was ridiculously stressful. I think I kind offorgot how much work is involved in the course. Oh well. Hopefully I keep liking it.

Well. Those are my classes. Jazz Band is pretty good. I think I'll be getting recruited forSymphonic pretty soon, as that concert is the week before Spring Break and ours is the weekafter. Members of the instrumental ensembles are having dinner at P. Corn.'s house nextThursday. So that's pretty neat-o.

Had my first piano lesson of the semester on Monday and, as much as I was dreading it, I thinkit should be a good semester. I feel like my teacher wants to work me really hard, but I'm takingpeace in the fact that he'll understand if the semester fluctuates in busy-ness. He wants me towork on a piece from each time period and wants me to be genuinely enthusiastic/passionateabout what I'm learning. I think that's possible. All in all, as much as I dread lessons, I do endup enjoying them and I am so glad my teacher is back. I completely forgot to ask him how hissabbatical was. Whoops.

On Monday, I had some time to kill between piano/lunch and Psych Methods lab, so I chilled inthe Socio lab for a bit and then wandered around Bowman and walked past my PDP advisor'soffice. The door was open and he was sitting with his feet on his desk reading, so I turned aroundto say hi. It was a really nice visit. He said he had just read my blog and asked specific questionsin regards to my most recent post. So that was awesome. :) He also asked about the origin ofthe name. I'm very glad my roommate was in his English class and that she talked about himand that I picked him to be my PDP advisor.

As for my goal for this semester, I am trying to learn as best I can. I'm trying to focus less onthe future outcome (grades/GPA). I think focusing on the final, technical outcome hinderslearning. If I focus on that, I get wrapped up in a memorize-to-retain mentality. And that's nota good method for real, long-time acquisition of knowledge. So I'm really going to try to learnfor the purpose of learning. So far, this new mentality has helped with my Inequality readings.I feel like I've talked about this before. I know I have. Last semester, I felt like I learned very,very little. Maybe it was the courses, maybe it was me. Regardless, I want my educationalcareer (and the rest of my life) not to be like that. Right now, now that I feel good, I want tolearn.

This semester got off to a strange start. Tuesday night before classes was a fun time with a newfriend. Wednesday, as I walked across campus after working at the library, an uncensoredthought entered my head: "I hate school." Whoops. Where did that come from? It was deeplyupsetting, both to have it enter my thoughts without permission and for feeling it as valid. I keptmyself occupied by reading ahead for classes, reading 1984, and spending entirely too much timeon Facebook. The really stressful day was Tuesday, particularly because of the ongoing conflictbetween Methods and Jazz. I got The Perks to Being a Wallflower from my friend and beganreading it Tuesday evening, since I had finished 1984 on Sunday. I read 78 of the 213 pagesthat evening. I finished the rest this evening. It was so good; precisely what I needed at a veryopportune time. And I'll spread the word: if you haven't read it, please do. It is very easy torelate to and sincere and transparent. I think transparent is the best word. As I left the librarytonight, I had about ten pages left to read and I felt really, really good. I had started to feelgood earlier today. Monday and most of Tuesday were not very academically productive days,but I got back into it today.

The end of Perks, my re-commitment to really learning, and my re-decision that productivityfeels good coincided quite well. And yes, I will balance academic productivity with free-timeproductivity (playing games with friends and making things) with other productivity (pianoand grad school research).