It has been a thought which has been going around – the spaghetti junction thought highway which is – in my brain for some time now.

Well I say that it is a thought, but to be honest it kind of yoyo’s between a thought and a consideration. Leaping into a possible conclusion one minute and then crashing into a deeply serious and concerned question the next. Do you ever notice how such ‘deeply serious and concerned questions often take on the feel – even the familiar vocal tones and inflections of authority figures from your childhood? Or is that just me? LOL.

But I digress. So yes this one has been circling around inside my brain (and if I am totally honest my heart) for some time now.

And I can’t help wondering if poor old Mini Mental Me (pictured left) – he who is the keeper and filing clerk of all my thoughts – isn’t just about frazzled with this one by now.

You see different folk, most of whom really are so very well intentioned, have different ideas about this one, don’t they? Especially if, like me, you are a Christian and especially, like in my case, those ‘folk’ are also Christian.

In which case you tend to get a very specific and peculiar brand of responses and opinions on this particular subject.

“No, struggling means that you are not trusting.” is one response I have heard a number of times.

“You aren’t letting go of something if you are struggling with it.” Is another supposed pearl I have often been offered. And I have to be honest here, I have mixed opinions as to both the validity and the usefulness of such responses – especially when it comes to mental health and mental illness.

And of course the whole “It really is OK to struggle” consideration gives light – well to the observant amongst us at least – to the fact that I really am struggling at the moment. The lesser observant amongst us – along with the too busy or too easily fooled among us – get thrown by the mask I feel the need to apply whenever in public or in company.

But masks get sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable and heavy don’t they? And so behind closed doors, in the solitude of our own homes, we tend to take them off, don’t we? And besides, perhaps keeping the mask on – even though seemingly essential at times – is a dangerous thing to do.

See I understand the concepts and thought processes, even the – often erroneously applied – scriptural instructions behind such opinions that I mentioned above. But where the struggle is – even if only in part – as a result of mental health issues or mental illness they belong on the ‘best not expressed pile’.

You see, on Tuesday last I did something different. I let my guard down (removed the mask a little) whilst at the Psychiatrist. Something which – I have to be honest here – I don’t usually do. And the psychiatrist – who was someone I hadn’t seen before, (Here in Ireland you seldom see the same psychiatrist each time) was really caring and really compassionate. And what is more he actually took time to listen and to communicate – which again is in itself a rare thing here – due to the pressure of demand that they are under.

And that simple act of kindness – that caring and compassion – has made the mask feel somewhat uneasy to reapply. So much so that in a totally unrelated conversation with someone from church I even let my mask down and admitted the fact that I was struggling to them. And now – and again let’s be honest here – here I am sat writing a blog post on my personal blog when I haven’t posted on here for some months now.

You see struggling doesn’t have to demonstrate or to be perceived as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, in fact. Sometimes, and I cannot express this too clearly or too firmly here, it is a sign of strength and of perseverance. Especially when it comes to mental illness and mental health related issues.

Yes I am struggling and yes – when the mask comes off and when the doors are closed and when solitude and I keep each other silent company within the echoes of the thoughts and voices – it is sometimes difficult to see any point in going on, or to actually connect with, take ownership of, feel validated in accepting and assigning to yourself, the reasons to go on. But this is nothing new and this has been the case for a good many years now and this is a part of my mental health and this does demonstrate perseverance.

And yet here’s the deal about perseverance. It is an indicator of what you have been through and in many cases still are going through. It is a guarantee that you have made it this far. BUT – and this really is important here – whilst it may be a guarantee that you have made it this far and may well be an encouragement to go on it is by no means a guarantee that you will go on.

I need to act! To take decisive steps to enable that ‘going on’, that continued perseverance. And yes, to be honest, at this point, continuing perseverance is all I can even imagine being able to achieve, and even that seems a somewhat distant hope.

Over the past few weeks my strength, my resolve, has weakened and even at times – especially just recently – taken a battering. And at the same time those harmful, those sabotaging thoughts and voices have increased and intensified. Even my kids, and those closest to me, have asked if there is something wrong or if I am upset with them.

Old harmful temptations echo from the past yearning to get reacquainted. Exit strategies – how’s that for a nice simple oh-so-modern and socially acceptable term or face for something oh so dangerous and sinister – seem even more appealing.

And yet still I know that I am not intended to face this alone or to struggle alone in all this – except that is the other – often unnoticed – side of masks, isn’t it? They not only fool others and prevent others from getting in and hurting you. They also fool yourself into stopping others from getting in and helping you. And they most definitely add to and at times create a false and negative or harmful perception of yourself.

As the title and my earlier comments tell you. I am convinced that “It really is OK to struggle.” but it is most definitely not OK, most definitely not advisable to struggle alone. And trust me, when it comes to mental illness and mental health issues, even your faith and that absolute belief that God will never let you down is somehow clouded from your view.

And yet can I truly allow myself to allow others to draw me out from what can – if I cut all the sugar frosted coating – only be recognised as the oh so old, oh so familiar “me, myself and die” mindset that has somehow secretly become such a part of me?

Dear Kevin, it really has been so long. I am glad you did this post. It really is okay to struggle but… Ah but… It can be so so difficult that struggle especially when alone physically, emotionally and of course mentally. I wish you very well sooner than later 🙂

I just found you today through your wonderful mental health writers guild. After finding your list of blogs on your gravatar, I read a couple of your excellent poems, then found my way here… and after reading this post, the big sister/mom/grandma nurturing part of me wants to “fix it.” I want to find the right words, share the right story, or post the right link to the right uplifting graphic or video that will snap you out of this painful place.

But… I know it doesn’t work that way. Helpless as I am, a complete stranger to you, half a world away from you, all I can say is: I know. I really, truly, know. I hung myself once. So yes, I do know.

I know the voices, too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a teenager. The voices were deafening, terrifying, maddening. Although I miraculously found a way to silence the voices more than forty years ago, sometimes their distant echoes *almost* break through.

I, too, am a Christian. And I, too, have been verbally battered by well-meaning Christians telling me things like “you aren’t really trusting Jesus if you are still struggling.” Tell that to someone having a heart attack! Tell that to a diabetic who has run out of insulin!

For what it is worth, please know that on the other side of the world right now there is an almost 63 year old married great grandmother lying on her lumpy sofa in her messy little house with a small poodle stretched out on top of her, awkwardly tapping words on an 8″ tablet, trying to see through the haze of my severe eye strain after too many hours reading too many words on this bright little screen — and I am hoping and praying that you will have a better day today than you did yesterday, and that your day tomorrow will be better still.

I just finished responding to your previous comment and then saw this one and so very much want to respond to it but I have a very anxious daughter – who has recently flown in from PA over your side of the pond – who is insisting that I get myself off to bed for a nap as I am struggling with some sort of virus/flu like thing (which incidentally the pesky muskrat brought with her and gave me, bless her heart) and on top of that my blood sugars are all out of whack.

But I will respond in an hour or two (or more, possibly). But I did want to let you know that I had at least seen this comment too and will be responding. How about you also give your eyes a rest? Please know your words are appreciated and I will respond soon.

OK. Firstly to explain my use of your ‘pen name’ for addressing you by as opposed to the full ‘Lady Quixote/Linda Lee’. Since I don’t wish to cause any offence or to appear disrespectful in any way.

I have a personal policy/practice – due to my wishing to respect some folks’ desire to remain anonymous – of addressing my replies to folk comments, according to either a) the name they used when making said comments or – where they have completed their comment with a specific name – b) the name they concluded their comments with.

In both of your comments on this site you sent them using your ‘Lady Quixote/Linda Lee’ identity and used no specific preference on concluding your comments. And thus I addressed both of my previous comments to you using your full ‘Lady Quixote/Linda Lee’ identity.

However, since then I have just finished responding to your comments on the Mental Health Writers Guild Site in which you signed them by using only the ‘Linda Lee’ part. And this is why I have now – for the sake of ease – started this response with the greeting ‘Dear Linda Lee’ as opposed to the full/dual label.

But please forgive me if this appears disrespectful of me and please be assured it was not intended to be so. It is just that ‘mini mental me’ (my brain) does tend to get all hung up on such things and so I always find it less painful or cumbersome to simply explain my choice and thus to silence the onslaught of critical doubts that normally follow such a decision.

OK, that particularly long winded explanation now out of the way, I wanted to thank you for you kind and caring comments as I promised earlier that I would. I also wanted to assure you that I am still here and still battling on. Yes it is tough, extremely tough at times. But the Lord has never failed me (would he ever?) and has always brought me through thus far. And whilst yes sometimes the darkness falls so thick and so heavy that it is hard to even recall His presence in my life, let alone connect with it, generally, by His grace, I manage to get through.

Additionally I do have an extremely loving church who, in the main, are very good and are very supportive. Although I am selective about how much or who I tell concerning my mental health issues and I personally struggle so very much with opening up when I am having a real hard time and tend to isolate rather than to seek help. And yes I know – trust me my kids have repeatedly told me this – that this is not healthy. But somehow I get the feeling that you can understand the temptation or compulsion to do so.

Knowing from your kind words, that someone else is of the faith and yet also understands is such a blessing however and I just wanted to thank you for that. Especially as I do live alone and, apart from one or two church events a week, am fairly isolated. Although, as I mentioned before, my daughter has flown in from the states for a visit which is a very great blessing.

Over the next few days I hope to pop over and spend more time reading your blogs and I have promised my daughter that I will start getting back into my own writing again. I kind of lost the interest or even the path concerning it for a while. But hey that is all part of the cycle it seems.

So again, thank you so very much and please do feel free to write and any time.
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin.

I may have read your comments in reverse order, sorry. But I assure you that I prefer to be called Linda, or Linda Lee, which is my pen name. “Lady Quixote” is just my name on Twitter. Anyway, I appreciate very much your concern about not causing offense. Thank you!

I have more to say in reply to this comment, but a friend just called me. She does most of the talking, but I should try to listen, lol.

I am now so tired from talking with my friend… she had gone to the funeral of a young nephew recently… that I have largely forgotten what it was that I wanted to say to you. Except that I am so glad that you are managing to carry on, despite the dark times. If not for the Lord, I am certain that I would not have made it this far, through my many hours of darkness. And yes, it is rare to find others from the Christian faith who understand this. Which is why I think you are probably right to guard yourself even with those closest to you. I have been too open in the past and have lost friends as a result. The stigma and misperceptions of mental health issues run very deep in this society.

Oh, now I remember what else I meant to say — I wanted to explain that my two blogs are written under two different WordPress accounts, using two different gravatars, although I have used the same picture for both. My older blog, the one I call Surviving Trauma, with the WordPress address of healmycomplexptsd, is written under my old gravatar name that is simply “Linda Lee,” which is the pen name I prefer. However, a couple of months ago, while using that gravatar and WP account, my blogging friends informed me that they were no longer receiving any notifications in their WordPress readers of my comments!

I contacted WP support, but did not receive any help. I googled the problem and still found no help. I checked all of my settings and could not find the problem. So, in desperation, I finally logged out of that WP account and, using a different email address, I started a whole new WordPress blog account and a new gravatar. Unfortunately, the name on my second gravatar is the more cumbersome “Lady Quixote/Linda Lee.” I could not use the same name, obviously, but I did not want to lose my identity altogether.

I just wanted you to be aware of this, so that if you should notice the difference in the names of my two gravatars, you will understand. I rarely log onto my old “Linda Lee” account now, although I do intend to transfer much of my old Surviving Trauma blog to my new one, A Blog About Healing From PTSD. But… whew… it seems a lot of work to do all of that, and I am one of those who tires easily. So I am getting it done slowly, at my snail’s pace.

Truly sorry to hear about your friend’s young nephew. The passing of anyone can be difficult but it is often so much harder in the young I feel.

In terms of my selective levels of openness about my mental health, I am pleased that you understand. And I can certainly relate to what you said about losing friends as a result of being too open concerning it in the past. Which is, along with the stigma and those misconceptions, why I completely understand folk blogging anonymously. But, as you have probably noticed, I made a conscious decision not to blog anonymously but instead to be totally open in respect of my identity when blogging. That is not to say that there haven’t been times when this hasn’t impacted my freedom to actually hit ‘publish’ on an article or post that I have just written at times. Especially since my blogs are linked to my Facebook page and thus seen by friends and family alike.

But then I tend to see that need for consideration as a bit of a self-imposed filter where other filters sometimes fail me or are lacking. So it is a good thing in the main, I think. But yes, sadly, we Christians do appear to be a completely messed up mixed bag when it comes to healing, and faith and mental illness or mental health. And I have to admit that I did – some time back – come to conclusion that nothing displays clearer symptoms of classic multiple personality disorder and confused ideology and thought processes than the modern day church and it’s attitudes, approaches and beliefs in respect of healing, and faith and mental illness or mental health. . 🙂 Which was a conclusion, I must admit, is something which both saddened me and amused me in equal measure.

I also, totally understand the difficulties you have experienced with WordPress and Gravitar. They can both be extremely rigid in their systems and seem to have a complete lack of flexibility and even an inability to even understand anything which doesn’t fall exactly within the parameters of their pre-set frames. (Hm. is there an obvious similarity here between these two subjects?) I just didn’t want to cause offence. But thank you for explaining.

It is a small world isn’t it. My daughter – the one who is visiting with me at the moment – is from Washington County area in PA. I love having her here as she understands that due to my normally living alone and normally spending almost 98% of my week being on my own, I have my own way of doing things. And she accommodates that so very well whilst also gently encouraging me to get out more whilst she is here.

Speaking of which, I think we are popping off to do some stuff this morning so I had better close this response here as I have some other things that I wanted to get written this morning. But thank you so very much for writing.

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I will, where possible, display this sign at the start of any post where I consider the subject matter to be of a sensitive nature and such that could cause possible distress to others.

Please understand that sensitivity is a very personal thing and thus I cannot guarantee that something posted on this site which I do not consider to be sensitive or to potentially cause distress (and thus does not include the displaying of this sign) will not cause distress to some. I therefor apologize in advance if this happens.

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The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exactly that - simply views and opinions of the author as a mental illness sufferer and it is strongly advised that readers seek professional advice before making any decision in respect of their own mental health and/or the mental health of those in their care.

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Please be advised that the purpose of this blog is to provide a journal of the way that my mental health impacts my life, my relationships and my faith.
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