Monday, May 16, 2011

I Enjoy Beating Children

Hey Everyone.

I'm not afraid to say it. I beat kids. I enjoy taking a bunch of kids and beating the Cystic Fibrosis out of them.

Many of you will recall that around this time every year, I participate in a walk to benefit research for Cystic Fibrosis (CF). And each year, I invite you to help me kick the everloving sh*t out of this disease that affects 30,000 people in this country, many of them children. And one of them is my nephew.

Here's what I'm offering: You donate, I inflict punishment on CF.

> For $25, I'll assault CF with harsh insults, mostly about how Cystic Fibrosis sounds like a terrorist name.

> For $50, I'll approach CF from behind, tap it on the shoulder, then when it turns around, slap it across the face like an bad actress.

> For $75, I'll straight up kick it in the nuts.

> For $100, I'll bomb CF's facebook page with posts from fake admirers, then when it tries to click on the users' names, I'll sneak up behind it and kick it in the nuts.

> For donations of over $100, you call the shot. Want me to invade CF's dreams á lá Nightmare On Elm Street? Get Dick Cheney to shoot it in the face? Make it watch a Vin Diesel Movie? Consider it done.

After the walk this Saturday, May 21 is over, I want CF badly beaten, clinging to life, thoroughly humiliated and on its way to years of therapy.

All of this sound mean? Excessive? The way I see it, any disease that messes with my three year old nephew is gonna get what's coming to it.

(To prove I'm not really angry or violent, here's last year's invite, which I'm told was read by hundreds and enjoyed by dozens.)

PS: As a father, I know just how unfunny abuse is. Not that I've tried it. I just know that it wouldn't be funny if I did. But I figured since CF abuses kids, CF deserves a little abuse. In the form of painstaking research aimed at weakening its sorry ass.