Some of these funnies from the LDS magazines of 1944 are pretty good, in my warped opinion! The others? Well —

Blow

I bought a wooden whistle, and it wooden whistle. I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle. And I bought a lead whistle, and it steel wooden lead me whistle. I bought a tin whistle. Now I tin whistle all the time.

Tie

“Look here, waiter, at the hair I found in the turtle soup.”

“Yes, sir; this is one time the hair and the tortoise came in together.”

Mogul

“My brother is working with five thousand men under him.”

“Where?”

“Mowing lawns in a cemetery.”

Breathless

“I’ve just been reading some statistics here – every time I breathe a man dies.”

“Gosh, man! Why don’t you use Listerine?”

Digest

“My little sister’s baby ate a whole newspaper up.”

“What did you do – send for a doctor?”

“No, we just fed him a Reader’s Digest.”

Slow

“Have you forgotten that five dollars you owe me?”

“Certainly not. Didn’t you see me try to dodge into that doorway?”

Pals

Brown: “Did you fish with flies?”

Gray (back from camping holiday): “Fish with them? We fished with them, camped with them, ate with them, slept with them.”

Prelude

The reason roosters crow before anyone is up is because they won’t dare open their mouths after the hens awaken.

Absorbing Business

New Missionary: “Can you tell me what became of my predecessor?”

Cannibal Chief: “He made a trip into the interior.”

Definition

“What’s capital and labor?”

“Well, suppose I loaned you two dollars, that’s capital. When I try to get it back, that’s labor.”

“A” Plus

Teacher: “What is a comet, Johnny?”

Johnny: “A star with a tail.”

Teacher: “That’s right. Can you name one?”

Johnny: “Mickey Mouse.”

Sputter

Some folks speak as they think, and some oftener.

Loser

A bachelor thinks all girls are photogenic – all he gets from them are negatives.

Bargain

Then there’s the one about the tiny girl who asked her Scotch parents: “Mother, what are prayers?”

“Messages to heaven, my dear,” replied the mother.

“Then that is why father always says his prayers at night – to get the low rate.”

Shock

On a street car a man gave a woman a seat. She fainted. On recovering she thanked him. Then he fainted.

Harmony

The world is full of willing people; some are willing to work, and others are willing to let them.

Intrigue

“What time is it?”

“Nine o’clock.”

(Slaps face.)

“What’s the idea?”

“I’ve been asking people all day what time it is and everybody tells me something different.”

Results

Customer: “Honestly, now, is this hairgrower any good?”

Barber: “My dear sir, do you see this hair brush I am using? Until some of this hair-grower got spilled on it last week, it was a ping pong paddle.”

Fatherless

Our language is called the mother tongue because father seldom gets a chance to use it.

Text

“Suppose you found yourself on a desert island, Bob,” said the teacher, “and could have only one book. Which book would you prefer?”

After thinking a moment, Bob replied, “Boat Building for Amateurs.”

Personal

Offerings Collector (to Scotsman): “Will you give a quarter to the Lord?”

Scotsman: “How old are you, lassie?”

“Eighteen.”

“Oh, well, I’m seventy-five. I’ll be seeing Him afore you, and I’ll hand it to Him myself.”

Appraisal

She was just temperamental – 90 per cent temper and 10 per cent mental.

Flip

Teacher: “Donald, give me a sentence containing ‘flippancy.’”

Donald: “Let’s flip ‘n’ see whether I pass or flunk.”

Hint

The reason a dog is such a lovable creature is that his tail wags instead of his tongue.

The one about dogs is definitely true. I’ve recently become friends with a black Labrador who wags everything behind his shoulders. We call it the full body wag.

The world is full of willing people; some are willing to work, and others are willing to let them.

I’ve heard something very much like this statement attributed to J. Golden Kimball. Maybe he got it from the LDS magazines, or maybe they got it from him.

On a street car a man gave a woman a seat. She fainted. On recovering she thanked him. Then he fainted.

This one also has a J. Goldenesque ring to it. The version I have heard is that he stood in front of a congregation and boldly declared that there wasn’t one man in a hundred who knew how to treat a woman. After the wives got through elbowing their husbands in the ribs he went on to say that there wasn’t one woman in a hundred who appreciated how good she had it anyway.

‘Fraid so, kew. There were lots of ethnic jokes in the magazines from the first half of the century — Scots were excessively frugal, Irishmen got into fist fights and found ways to avoid work, Swedes were big, dumb (but lovable) lunks with funny accents. There were periodic black jokes, and, to a far lesser extent, Jewish jokes, too. I usually omit or rewrite (with notice that I have rewritten) the really offensive ones, and hope that nobody is too bothered by the ones I do post.

I know, I know — you called me on this issue the first time it came up. If I thought it really truly bothered anyone, beyond mild irritation, I’d eliminate these jokes, too (although I think it’s interesting, perhaps even important, to see what our ancestors thought was funny, within limits).

If anyone is really annoyed by the Scottish (or Scotch, as they’re usually labeled) jokes, please write (keepapitchinin at aol dot com) and tell me how much and why they are offensive, and I’ll consider accommodating you.

No one wants an ancestral stereotype of foolish, shiftless foot shufflers, but there is a pride in the frugal, in the spirit that overcomes oppression, and in other traits that survive in many once or still oppressed communities. Heck, there are people who have a sense of pride in how much liquor they can hold. As long as that is the case, the stingy Scott (or Schwab), the drunken and pugilistic Irishman and the order-loving German (all part of MY geneology) will continue as a stock character in amusing anecdotes without too much offense given or received.

While we’re on the threadjack, interesting that the Church magazines printed these racial caricatures at a time when many of their readers WERE full-blooded Scots, Irish, German, and Swedes. I guess people just had thicker skins back then.