The official Premier League handbook is a vital resource for a) those who want to examine the rules of the game in detail and b) those who want to laugh at footballers' middle names.

It's where you find out that Rickie Lambert's is Lee, raising the possibility that he was named after the great female vocalist Rickie Lee Jones. Or that it's Gylfi Thor Sigurdsson, Kevin Anthony Jance Nolan and Anders Rosenkrantz Lindegaard.

And while it's a shame that Rio Ferdinand's middle name is the not-that-Brazilian Gavin, Liverpool's Raheem Sterling doesn't disappoint. His middle name is Shaquille.

Meanwhile Roy Keane must be on a charm offensive. A punter spotted the new Ireland assistant manager at Villa's win over Cardiff on Saturday, where presumably he was scouting Ciaran Clark.

"Who are you watching today, Roy?" asked the fan. Came the cheery reply: "Why? Are you a policeman?"

Sacked for Christmas!

The old wartime saying "It'll be over by Christmas" is being revived by one struggling high-profile manager. He's actively telling agent friends not to bother contacting him about players available in the January transfer window as he will have been sacked by then.

The gaffer has thrown in the towel to such an extent that he's now barely bothering to turn up for work. It's become a standing joke at his club's training ground that each morning the chief executive asks to see him and is told he's not showed up.

Top Gear

Nicklas Bendtner's lengthy interview with Danish newspaper Berlingske, in which he complains that "soooo much bullsh*t" is written about him, begins with the Arsenal 'striker' declaring that he is tired of being asked about cars.

Nicklas Bendtner: "soooo much bullsh*t" is written about him. Apparently (Photo: Rex Features)

Why the subject keeps coming up is a mystery given that Saint Nik wrote off a £100,000 Aston Martin after crashing on the A1 in 2009, lost his license in 2012 for doing 103mph in his Porsche 911 and got a three-year ban back home earlier this year after being spotted driving against the traffic in Copenhagen city centre while over the limit.

Oh, and Bendtner says of his extensive garage, which includes a Ferrari, a Mercedes and an Audi: "If someone has a sore ass that I drive expensive cars then it's their problem."

Some Liverpool reporters do 'ave 'em

Sombre moments in the Anfield press room on Saturday night as Martin Jol spoke about his future in hushed tones.

Well, sombre for a bit anyway as the Fulham manager was interrupted by the man from the Daily Mail falling backwards through two Liverpool backdrops in what an observer described as "a real Frank Spencer moment".

Liverpool 3pm column

Second-weirdest press conference of the week: Ahead of Man City v CSKA Moscow, Manuel Pellegrini being called "Mr Mancini" by one Russian journalist before another asked "what would it mean to Manchester United to finally qualify from the group stage?"

It's a results driven business!

Never let it be said that Manchester United don't know how to wring the last possible penny out of their famous name.

Last week Unilever became the club's "official personal care and laundry provider in South East Asia", joining a select band of businesses willing to give the Glazers a huge wedge.

In addition to the normal kit manufacturers and club sponsors, United have an Official Telecoms Partner in Burkina Faso, Chad, and Congo Brazzaville, an Official Savoury Snack Partner an Official Motorcycle Partner in Thailand and, most coveted of all, an Official Noodles Partner Of Manchester United for Asia, Oceania and Middle East, with the slogan: "In the coming months, slurp up and cheer!"

Fifty Shades of Michael Gray

Former Sunderland and Blackburn defender Michael Gray, now a pundit, admitted on radio last week that he had only ever read two books in his life.

His excuse? The second one was Paul Gascoigne's autobiography "and I put it down and thought 'great, he's conquered his demons'. But the very same day he was on the front pages of the paper for having a drink. So that's put me off the whole reading thing."

From @incrediblemulk1: "I once was a ref at junior football. One parent shouted 'you can't be offside from a header.'"

From @markbrown5: "Shouted at Anfield: 'Linesman! You have the appearance of an idiot!'”

From Dougie Clayton, via email: "At the recent United v Norwich League cup tie at Old Trafford, in front of the directors box, I heard a United fan say to his mate, 'Look there's Delia Smith.' When the other bloke asked who she was, he replied: 'She's Jamie Oliver, only female.'"

Pwned

The SAS man was asked "do you play Call Of Duty online with Luis Suarez to sharpen up your understanding?"

The reply? "No. Why would we do that? We go training instead."

CoD and chips: Daniel Sturridge is a dab hand (Photo: Getty)

Michael Foot the football hooligan?

The right-wing press missed a trick when they were demonising former Labour leader Michael Foot in the early 1980s.

According to a speech by Neil Kinnock at the Hampstead Literacy Festival, his predecessor got a bit carried away while watching his beloved Plymouth Argyle play Tottenham on Boxing Day 1936.

Kinnock said: “Just before half-time, Argyle scored. And Michael invaded the pitch – single-handed. He jumped over the fence - he was a lithe man in those days - and ran onto the pitch in order to demonstrate his support.

“Naturally the police picked him up and took him out. He talked them round during half-time, and went back in through a different part of the ground in the second half.

“Michael Foot the football hooligan – I’m glad that never got into print!”

It's a funny old name

No doubt memories of collecting the FA Cup in 1977 flashed through former Manchester United captain Martin Buchan's mind when he heard his name called at a recent Football Writers' Association awards dinner and happily strode on stage to collect his prize.

Alas, he had misheard and looked utterly befuddled as journalist Martin Blackburn stepped past him to pick up the honour instead.