Thursday, March 10, 2005

SNE Part 106

1. That Singaporean workers are very bo chap and risk averse, while Israelis are more risk takers and entrepreneurial. Guy Kawasaki once said, "Israel has five million people, six million entrepreneurs and 15 million opinions. Singapore has five million people, six entrepreneurs and one opinion."

Maybe Singaporeans don't know what risk is because we don't have to dodge bombs on a daily basis.

2. That security cameras in CSI are all high-resolution cameras that take video in 18-Megapixel quality. That is how you can zoom in the eye of the victim and see the number plate of the getaway car in the reflection of his pupil.

3. That there are no budget constraints in the world of CSI. That is why they have all the best forsenic equipment money can buy, and everybody prints to the HP inkjets in full colour with no regard for cost. Oh, and they buy all their b&w and colour ink cartridges brand new, from 7-Eleven, and they do not use those third-party injection refills.

That's why they catch the criminals so often.

4. That nobody really knows what Horatio Caine of CSI Miami really does, beyond driving his big-assed obnoxious Hummer, glowering at the suspects and cops from other departments, and generally pissing everyone off, while his team does the real work.

5. That you tell your friends at work that, as a child in a poor family, you never had a Hungry Hungry Hippo, a Game & Watch, or a Six Million Dollar Man action figure, and they will tease you about it forever.

And then you call your mother in front of your mocking adult friends, to complain that she never got you a Hungry Hungry Hippo when you were a kid, and mom doesn't even know what it is.

And people wonder why I am so messed up.

6. That Singaporeans should try very hard not to knock down foreign talent, even if the local driver had right of way, and the ang moh pedestrian disregarded traffic rules and ran across a traffic junction.

It can cost you 2 million dollars.

Remember, it not the Red Man, Green Man, but the White Man you need to look out for.

7. That you know you need a break from work when you get home after a late night movie and try to open your house door with your office security access card.

8. That some schools will give their students Friday off in Chinese New Year week, and then there are the schools who will give their Primary 1 students homework be HANDED IN by Friday. Sick bastards.

9. That some parents and kids are upset that brilliant China students are kicking local student ass. Perhaps it is time to have some quota, so that their little boy boy can come in first in his exams and sports, instead of coming in third or less.

No wonder Singapore doesn't come in first in global competitions for so many areas, there are these annoying obstacles called "Other countries".

Maybe we can have new categories in schools, like Best Local Sportsman, and Best Exam Results among Locals, to help the competition-averse Singaporean student cope.

10. That we need to welcome foreigners into our country, because they help us to have a more vibrant economy and help us to increase our population.

Never mind that they may come here to enjoy our education, scholarships and economy (or what's left of it), and then use that as a springboard to go where they really want to — USA.

11. That it is a level playing field when foreigners can come to Singapore on Singapore-paid scholarships, win all the local awards, and then leave after studying here, without doing National Service.

12. That, chao turtle, Singapore's airport taxes can add a ridiculous amount to your holiday costs. That 3-day-2-night package to Bangkok (inclusive of airfare, breakfast and transfers) is $260, while Singapore's airport tax (which includes terrorism tax) comes up to $71. Bangkok airport tax is about $20. And most of the time, travel agents do not state the holiday prices to include taxes. You have been warned.

No prizes for guessing who makes the most money on your holiday.

13. That anti-cocaine advertisements will soon appear in two magazines aimed at the rich and powerful. Blogger littlecartnoodles thinks that it is a waste of money and the more effective approach is "just hang a few of the bastards. That'll drive the message home. Rope is cheaper."

Ah, littlecartnoodles, but first, you have to stop them from jumping bail...

14. That the anti-cocaine for the rich ad has a headline that reads: "I can stop taking cocaine anytime I want", but the advertisement's text warns: "The more you use it, the more you crave it. The more you use it, the more you crave it. The more you use it, the more you crave it...".

Following blogger littlecartnoodles's approach, the copy would read "I get caught I will hang and die. I get caught I will hang and die. I get caught I will hang and die."

15. That it is probably easier to hang some poor yob than some rich, connected businessman, for cocaine.

16. That NTUC bought over the premises formerly occupied by happening (but broke) club, Embassy, located at Esplanade and plans to renovate and rename it "NTUC Club".

With the new club, NTUC hopes to acquire "a hip quotient".

So the next time your Ah Beng friends ask you, *"Ai ki NTUC, mai?"

**"Tiao bu ah si buay chai?"

*("Do you want to go to NTUC or not?")

**("To go dancing or buy groceries?")

17. That somehow, "Let's meet at NTUC!" just doesn't have the same ring as "Let's meet at Zouk!"

But maybe I'm just not hip enough. Yeah, that's probably it.

18. That according to NTUC Club’s deputy chief executive, Mr Lim Eng Lee, the new NTUC Club will have very Zen and modern design.

"We want a clean slate. The glass floors were very Embassy."

I hear that ceramic floors are very NTUC, they might want to try that.

Oh, and definitely must give Linkpoints during Happy Hour.

19. That the next time you have road rage, make sure it was not pre-meditated (that means you only thought of beating the guy up on the spot), and you don't use a weapon, and you show a lot of remorse after you beat the other driver up. This can mean the difference between jail time and just a fine.

Premier Taxi Chairman and scion of the Cycle and Carriage family, Timothy Chua, was fined $1000 for road rage, and not jailed. The magistrate said this is because his act was not pre-meditated and he did not use a weapon, and that he had also shown genuine remorse over his actions.

Chua attacked a motorist after a traffic collision along Bukit Timah Road in May 2003.

In other news:

"'Road rage cases are cropping up and need to be checked. And no matter who the offenders are, they will be jailed, said Chief Justice Yong Pung How before dismissing a contractor's appeal against his jail sentence for being a road bully.'" -ST

"...There can be no place on our roads for road bullies. Such persons must be made aware of the severe detestation the law expresses in regard to such crimes. They must not be allowed to go away thinking that they can beat up somebody else on the slightest provocation for the price of a few thousand dollars. If this sort of incidents occur, when they get out of their vehicles and assault others who may have aggravated them by their driving or for any other reason, prison sentences must now follow..." -Magistrate Gilbert Low, 02 July 2004

"PREMIER Taxi chairman Timothy Chua was fined the maximum of $1,000 yesterday for road rage, but escaped the customary jail sentence for the crime." -ST

21. That there is actually a kind of road rage called pre-meditated road rage. At least in Singapore.

22. That it would have been better to get a jail term for road rage than to not get one, because the public will bay for your blood. So now, you may actually get a jail term AND a castration.

23. That the police are extending the the use of closed-circuit television cameras to Geylang. But customers of prostitutes there need not worry about being caught on tape unless you rob a 7-Eleven while you are buying condoms for your weekly tryst. Note that the police did not say you will not have any loss of privacy, just that the video footage will not be used against you.

Maybe you should consider wearing a paper bag with holes the next time you visit Geylang.

As usual, the national press tries to drive home the point that other cities also got cameras what, even more than us! Like London, New York and Hongkong. Feel better already?

Loss of Privacy: It's For Your Own Good and Other Countries Also Have What.

"Responding to a question about the potential privacy issues that widespread use of such cameras could raise, the head of the police public affairs department, Senior Assistant Commissioner Tan Puay Kern, said that they are meant to monitor criminal activity and violent crimes, not to spy on people.

Those who visit prostitutes in Geylang, for example, need not worry about being caught on tape, say police, unless they commit a major crime while doing so." -ST Feb 22 2005

"More CCTVs to watch over crime-prone areas - by Tanya Fong
SINGAPORE - The use of closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras to fight crime in several areas has proven so effective that police will extend their use to other parts of the island." - ST Feb 22 2005

24. That there will be no more free online Straits Times, because from March 15th 2005, all of ST Interactive will be paid-only. Time to delete that bookmark.

How to compete when you talk about Paris Hilton's hacked SideKick (and nekkid photos) three days after the news got mentioned online? (Plus the ST had no nekkid Paris photos too)

And good luck to them and future online advertising plans.

25. That Singapore has no despotism or nepotism. Just very talented families.

26. That you tell your wife that at your school reunion dinner, you met the Minister she met the last time, and the first question she asks is "So were you wearing your glasses when you met him?"

No dear, not to worry. I was my suave un-bespectacled hemsem self, and not my at-home dorky self.

27. That your wife reminds you to get that D24 to spray on the squeeky toilet door.

Yes dear, I will buy the WD40. D24 durians don't work so well as lubricants.

28. That those gay parties are not just an affront to the rest of Conservative Singapore, they are now a medical threat and responsible for Singapore's Aids epidemic. How convenient.

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