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Friday, January 11, 2013

conversations with a ninja seahorse

4yo: WE HAVEN'T HAD OUR MORNING HUG.
me: That's because you're naked.
4yo: THAT'S OKAY. WE CAN STILL SNUGGLE.
me: Yeah, no. Clothes first, creeper. (Gets him dressed.) Now we can hug.
4yo: YOUR BELLY IS VERY STRONG. I USED TO BE IN THERE. AND THEN I BUSTED OUT.
me: You didn't bust out. You came out the normal way. Sister is the one who busted out.
4yo: YEAH, I SAW PICTURES. THERE WAS A LOT OF BLOOD. IT WAS PRETTY GROSS.
me: Correct.
4yo: I WAS IN THERE, BUT I WAS LIKE IRON MAN. I COULD HAVE BUSTED OUT, BUT I DECIDED NOT TO.
me: Thanks for that.
4yo: WHERE DO BABY SEAHORSES COME FROM AGAIN?
me: The daddy seahorse does a dance, and the mommy seahorse uses her ovipositor to put eggs in a special pouch above his tail. Then they hug for eight hours, and the daddy seahorse's body helps the babies grow.
4yo: WHERE IS YOUR SPECIAL POUCH?
me: Seahorse reproduction is vastly different from human reproduction.
4yo: I WISH I WAS A SEAHORSE. BUT WHY DO CATS LICK PEOPLE?
me: If there's food on you, they lick you because it tastes good. If they like you, they lick you as grooming behavior. Mommy cats lick the baby cats they love, so cats lick the people they love.
4yo: ...I LOVE YOU.
me: Put your tongue back in your mouth.
4yo: DO YOU WANT TO LICK ME?
me: I do not.
4yo: YOU ARE NOT A CAT.
me: How perceptive
4yo: YOU ARE BEING SARCASTIC.
me: Also correct.
4yo: WILL YOU PLEASE MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH FOR ME?
me: No. You've already had two breakfasts.
4yo: I LIKE THE NUMBER THREE.
me: No.
4yo: THIS CAN GO TWO WAYS. YOU CAN MAKE THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH, OR I CAN MAKE THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH.
me: Since you like the number three, it can also go a third way, which is that you find something to do besides nag me over a nonexistent sandwich.
4yo: WHY ARE YOU WRITING?
me: I'm transcribing this conversation because it's hilarious.
4yo: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.
me: That's okay. You're too young to sue me.
4yo: BUT I CAN ARM BAR YOU.
me: I'd like to see you try.
4yo: *evil glint in eyes* I'LL WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING IT.
me: Good luck with that.
4yo: (whispers) I am a ninja.