A really stressed out businessman goes and lives in a monastery for a few weeks every year just to chill out. Each time he arrives, he asks the Head Abbott for three things: a piece of apple, a piece of orange and a piece of string. Each night, the Abbott lies in the cell next to him and hears some very weird noises from the man's room: "Zing, Ding, Zinger Ding Ding Ding!" and so on. Each year the man returns and each time he asks for the same things and each time the weird noises are heard.

The fifth time that the man arrives, the Abbott asks him: "Look, you've been coming here for five years now. Each time you ask for a piece of apple, a piece of orange and a piece of string and then every night we hear these weird zing, ding, zinger ding ding ding noises coming from your room. You sound like you've got the Crazy Frog in there. Please tell me, what are you doing with those things? Otherwise I'll go mad."

The man said "I will tell you provided you swear never ever to tell anyone else." And the Abbott said "I promise."

And the Abbott was a man of God, so he kept his word.

Logged

As time goes by, you will seeThat we're going to be free, you and meWe'll touch the skyCan you see in your mind's eye that we are oneWe're all the same and life is just a simple game.

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn't say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversatin has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Australian replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn't say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversatin has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Australian replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

As being from Texas, hey, I know that farmer. And we do have grasshoppers in Texas, but we don't like to talk about them. As they are only about half the size of an Australian roo.

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said,"it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

You reminded me of one we used to tell all the time when we were little......What's purple with yellow dots all over it?I don't know but there goes another one.

Ha, that is a good one. I remember one like that too. What's orange, has four legs, and does backflips?An orange, four-legged, backflipping monster Except, no two re-telling of that joke is the same, basically just make it up

Logged

"Be still my dog of war, I understand your pain. We have all lost someone we love..."

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him, "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times." The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks."I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."