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As I stand at the precipice of a new year I have discovered one thing of myself, that I am lost. It could be due to the fact that my husband has started a new job or that things in my office are transitioning or because my lack of any real “purpose” (Whatever that may mean) has finally worn away at my heart. Whatever the reason it has pushed me to look for a faith.

I was raised Baptist. My family originates in the Midwest area and are very faithful church goers. Although, my parents laziness kept our family at home most Sundays it did not stop my parents beliefs. Also, I went to Christian school from pre-k to 8th grade. So I’ve been enveloped in Christianity for a good chunk of my life. Yet, even still, I never really believed. I tried. I wanted to. I heard stories of God speaking to my friends or family and I wanted that. Though no matter how hard I prayed I couldn’t have the same faithful reaction. It just wasn’t me.

Since then I have slowly chipped away at what remained of my Christian beliefs. It has since become a tiny pebble that once was a great stone edifice that lead my life. My husband was the one who did the most damage. Back when we started dating he debated faith and belief with me, and it was then that I realized the things I thought were ridiculous and based in nothing. They were just regurgitated thoughts. After that I maintained a little bit of my faith, but it wasn’t until I met a Christian person with a belief in evolution that I lost even more of it. Prior to that point I was a staunch “7-day creation” literalist. (Sad, I know.)

The final blow to my belief in Christianity came by the way of Google earth. Yes. Google. Earth. It dawned on me that if I could see a man sunbathing nude on the roof of his home I would certainly be able to find this mythical “garden of eden” with the flaming sword guarding the entrance. (Like I said, literalist.)

Clarification of the falseness of Christianity came by way of my Ancient Civilizations class where we learned of Zoroastrianism and how one faith led to another and another and… blah. It became crystal clear that faith was just early forms of science trying to explain the world around them.

Now empty of any real belief I feel kind of lost. One may ask, “Do you really need a faith?” No, I don’t. But I feel that there is something else out there. Something bigger than myself. And while I don’t believe in God or any human-like deity, I do believe in a great energy that flows through the earth. It was with that thought that I did a search and came across Druidism.

What I know of Druidism so far is just basic points of belief (Wisdom, Love, and Creativity) and that one communes with nature. Other than those points I am clueless. Thus I intend to buy some books and read up before I make a commitment. Although, I can already say, I’m leaning toward druidism already. And I don’t know if it’s because it feels right to me, or because I am desperate for a path. So, it’ll definitely be a journey.