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Great Yarns: The Royal ID Affair

Gather around, citizens, and hear the incredible mystery of the “phantom” real estate transactions made under the ID number of princess Cristina of Spain. Be prepared to pale as the dark royal truth is revealed, or at least strongly implied, by this bizarre yarn of confusion run amok.

Once upon a time, a judge of the Kingdom requested the internal revenue service of the Kingdom (hereforth Hacienda) for a list of all properties held by the princess due to the dastardly deeds of her husband, the Duke of Hurl. To everyone’s surprise, the list turned up no less than 13 properties allegedly sold by the princess in 2005 for 1.4 million euros, as identified by her National Identification Document number 000 000 14-Z. Apparently, the princess was as surprised as anyone else and quickly denied any relation to the properties, and soon thereafter Hacienda confirmed the original list was a “mistake” and that the princess has only her Barcelona digs to her name.

From that point on, the whole story went wiggy, with contradictory press notes by Hacienda while the minister of revenue (Squeakbob in persona!) was weaseling out by saying it was just an honest mistake and nobody should rush to conclusions, which immediately made everyone even more suspicious.

Squeakbob makes his case to a very convinced-looking press…

Finally, Hacienda produced a report saying the whole thing was just a wee confusion caused by incompetent notary-publics who allowed the princess’ ID number to be used in unrelated real estate transactions. This allegation was met with a good dose of incredulity by experts and public alike, seeing as notary publics know better than anyone that the ID numbers 10 to 20 belong to the royal family. In fact, the notary guild quickly responded saying only 2 of the 13 cases were due to notarial error and the rest were Hacienda’s problem, not theirs.

So, what does it all mean and why is there so much squirming and twisting going on around this bizarre case? Well, it could mean several things, and none of them are good. According to one source, Hacienda itself invented these phantom transactions in order to justify the income used by princess Cristina to purchase her Barcelona home in 2005. If this were the case, it would be bad enough –and indeed the head of Hacienda just got axed a couple of days ago, so it’s at least that bad– but the real issue, the big unspeakable secret that everyone already knows, is even bigger and more straightforward.

Simply said, the royal ID numbers from 10 to 20 are not and have never been inspected by the tax folks. That would explain many things, many more than just the phantom transactions. It is a glimpse of how a monarchy poses as a democracy, why certain transactions carry fees and cui bono. Why is there a tax to be paid when two parties close a real estate transaction? Because the land the property sits on belongs to a title holder aka aristocrat who must collect his/her tithe. The same applies to the road tax which pays title holders for “right of passage” through their lands, or taxes payed on gasoline said to go straight to kingospain’s swisscheese accounts. His lowness is said to get commission on every drop of petroleum bought and sold in his kingdom, not in vain he is considered a brother by the House of Saud. This is the true cost of a Crown and its Court.

These tithes of course are not portrayed as such to the public in general, many of which prefer to think of noble titles as little more than funny names and fail to grasp their true implications. Until now, that is, because what the princess’ phantom ID case is hiding just under the surface is the true nature of the constitutional monarchy system, which literally “disappears” huge amounts of public money into the hands of the same old corrupt elite from back when the first Bourbon ursurped the throne 300 years ago. This shadow economy is completely “off the books”, much like the millions that go to the holey sea of roam under the secret “Concordate” with the Battycan. No existe. Oh, and don’t forget: we’re in crisis! No hay dinero! Adiós!

In truth, many Spaniards are not at all surprised with this issue coming to light. After all, the forces behind the two short-lived Spanish Republics were born in response to the tyranny of the monarchy and its court, so the bourbon doesn’t fool the old-school republicans, or the new school ones either, for that matter. For some, the peeling away of the democrazy skin to reveal the medieval innards of the body public may be traumatic, and the hard core droolers will bleat that the fleecing must go on in the name of church, god and country. I for one don’t give an airborne intercourse about the sham democrazy politics in this monarchy. The entire political system is designed to maintain the status quo and deceive the citizens, so until the strictocratic assets are cut out of equation, the big fat leech model only changes to stay the same.

I do, however, bow to the fine irony of karma, yet again. The ID card is the ultimate serf control instrument, our numbered assets as subjects of the kingdom. How fitting that the testimonial serf ID number of a royal should be the string that unravels the whole yarn. How tightly their fate is bound to ours is the stuff fairy tales are made of. Sleep tight.