Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ex-Factors

Yesterday, I got to thinking about exes.... In the dating game, you meet someone, you think they're great and you date them. And then, when it's over, you ex them out. It's just the way life goes.

Some people, present company included, make an effort to be friends with exes. And it can certainly be accomplished. But it's always hanging there, no matter how great of friends you end up being... They are always, above everything else, your ex. That fact never goes away. It can be a touchy subject and maybe it's never spoken of. You might laugh about it with them, or perhaps you cry about it when nobody's around. But it's always up in the air in one way or another.

This lead me to thinking about the different ways that exes act. And how there are so many different types of exes. For instance, there's always:

1. Mr. Heartbreaker Ex - The most important influential ex. The one who seriously broke your heart and you can lie to yourself all that you want, but you will most likely never truly be over him. You can't help but compare other boyfriends to him, and most of the time they fall short... even if Mr. Heartbreaker was a real ass. He's the one who you swear you'd never give the time of day to again, but realistically, if he wanted you back you'd be there in a heartbeat.

2. Mr. Heartbroken Ex - The ex for whom you'll forever be Ms. Heartbreaker Ex. You might have had an amazing relationship, but you realized before he did that it was fizzling and broke it off. He was devastated and, whether or not you're able to be friends again, a part of him will always want you back.

3. Mr. Ex Squared (or Cubed, etc) Ex - This is the ex that you date and break up with. And then date again and break up again. And so on and so forth. You never quite learn your lesson that it's just not going to work out.

4. Mr. Wishful Thinking Ex - This is the guy whom you never dated but tells people he's your ex anyway. You may have hooked up once or twice, or maybe you never did, but you certainly did not have a relationship. However, in his head, he's built up a beautiful story about the two of you and the time you spent together which is topped off by your tragic ending. This, depending on the guy, can sometimes be embarrassing for you. Especially if he's definitely not anyone that you would ever really date.

5. Mr. Perfect Ex - You let this ex slip away. And you wish that you hadn't. He was perfect and you left him and regret it to this day because you know you could have been very happy together. Hindsight is a bitch.

6. Mr. Hanger-on Ex - This ex doesn't quite get the point that you're over. He calls and wants to hang out under the guise of friendship, but has very obvious ulterior motives to get back together. Sometimes he can hide these ulterior motives, but most of the time he can't and is quite annoying. It is a constant reminder of why you ended things in the first place. He sometimes borderlines on being Mr. Psycho Ex. And he probably does petty things to try to make you jealous.

7. Mr. Keep-Around Ex - This is the ex with whom you were not relationship compatible with but you were more than suitable with in other areas... aka the bedroom. You may be friends, you may not be. But your numbers stay in each other's phones because you certainly know who to call when you're drunk or just lonely... This can be tricky because of left over feelings making you think that if you're good in bed you should try the relationship part out again - but if you keep the facts straight in your mind, you should be fine.

8. Mr. Future Son-in-Law Ex - This ex you were ready to break up with for a while but your parents just loved him so much that you stayed in the relationship a little bit longer because maybe they saw something in him that you didn't. (This reverses into Mr. Future Parent-in-Laws: the ex that you stuck with a little longer than you should have because you just loved his family so much.)

9. Mr. Wants You Because He Can't Have You Ex - This title pretty much explains itself. And it certainly reverses itself to go both ways...

10. Mr. Mona Lisa Ex - The ex who seemed so amazing from afar, before you were dating, but up close, as you got into a relationship with him, you realized he was all fluff and not actually that nice. Careful here though because when you break up you tend to see him from afar again and doubt your (correct) decision to hightail it out of that relationship.

11. Mr. Future Ex - You haven't dated him yet. But you're going to. Even though you know he's wrong for you and it will never work out... But he's just so cute/fun/etc... You can't help yourself.

12. Mr. Waste of an Ex - The ex that you wish you'd never dated. You got nothing from the relationship except a bitter taste in your mouth knowing that he somehow got the best of your time, which was certainly wasted. This is the guy that, if you could go back in time, you would take back ever dating him.

I wrote these from a female perspective but I'm pretty sure all of my examples would fit just as well from a male perspective.

And a lot of the aforementioned exes are easily combined. For example Mr. Ex Squared Ex could easily be the same as Mr. Keep-Around Ex whom could easily also be Mr. Mona Lisa Ex, etc...

13. Mr/Ms Friend Ex: The ex with whom you were completely incompatible. Despite all effort poured into the relationship, nothing could changed the fact that you'd always be excellent friends and terrible mates.

Mr.Why Didn't He Choose Me Ex - He is the one that you had a great relationship with but something happened and you had to break up via no fault from either of you (he/you moved/scheduling conflicts, etc.), and then less than a year later you find out he is getting married. (I guess this could go under Mr. Perfect Ex as well).

The Cheater Ex - kind of like the heartbreaker ex: they're the one who you swear you'd never give the time of day to again, but realistically, if you saw them on the street you'd stab them in the neck with a letter opener.

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