Saturday, March 28, 2009

There are few things as worthless as a writer in love. Perhaps a Fig Newton wearing a wristwatch is comparable. People might think that a writer in love has an advantage, as writing does need inspiration, and what’s more inspiring than love?

Poppycock, I say! Writers in love are lethargic, miserable beings. They aren’t inspired; they’re consumed. You know the thought of “two lovers being one”? Isn’t that the same as saying you’re half the person you used to be? Still, people can argue that a writer in love is a writer with his/her priorities set.

Hogwash, I say! Someone in love has their priorities skewed, I promise you. They don’t understand the importance of much, least of rationality. And if you can’t rationalize, then you can’t relate. This does occasionally work when you write to an audience who feels they can’t relate to anyone else, like teenagers. R.L. Stine, you whacked out fucking genius… He must be a great writer.

Poppywash, I say! He’s a marginal writer at best. But still way more famous than me. And the tragic part is he doesn’t even seem to be held captive by love’s hold; he’s just a bad writer. Not that I’m here to pick on Stine. There are thousands of shitty writers getting published all the time. I’m just mentioning him because I’ve owned and read many of his works.

Now some writers do have their best works come out of them when they are absorbed into a relationship. But this “best work” comes out of the most fucked up relationships, quite honestly. Or it comes when the two have split, and one’s ego must meet one’s humility – then let the writing begin. So being in love can be good for a writer – either your fucked up relationship gets you to type out fantastic manuscripts, or your heart-wrenching breakup does.

Hogcock, I say. Being in love is bad for being a writer. Still, right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[What a shitty post this turned out to be. Man, I really am a bad writer now. – Author]

With today’s economy being what it is, you may find yourself out of a job (if you haven’t already – loser). And with today’s job market being what it is, you might find the going pretty tough. There’s a lot of talk out there about making a “recession proof” résumé. But most of these articles tell you things you already know (or should). Check your spelling, sell yourself, use the right keywords, don’t mention your rape convictions. It’s all a bunch of “blah blah blah” I say. I’m here to help you make a Recession Proof Résuméfor real.

Get a Master’s Degree or Higher Level of Education. This might seem like a no-brainer, but most people actually don’t think about it. No matter what your chosen career path is, you should try to get a master’s degree or better to remain competitive in a job market like the one you’re likely to face today. From museum orating to professional basketweaving, all of the fundamental occupations of our society are more open to you when you possess a high-level degree. Even coopers and midwives are finding it hard to get work with just a bachelor’s.

Be Willing to Work for Less Than Minimum Wage. Most “professional” résumé advisors tell you not to put illegal offers such as this in your résumé. Officially, you probably should not. But if you tell potential employers that you’re willing to work under the table for a lower than legal amount, you’re almost assured a job. Employers will like contact you officially and say “Sorry, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.” Then a little later they will contact you from a payphone on a gritty city side-street, unofficially asking you to join their company. And since you’re not on the books, feel free to continue collecting your unemployment checks.

Hone Your Résumé for ‘Recession Proof’ Industries. Part of avoiding the ill-effects of the far-reaching recession is looking at jobs that are usually thought of as unaffected by recessions. Thence you should look at tailoring your résumé to make it more attractive these kinds of employers. For instance, many people consider the movie industry to be “recession proof”. This could be a great line of work if you enjoy performing homosexual acts for career advancement. As such, it would be a good idea to mention this quid pro quo attitude on a résumé being sent to a production studio or talent agency. Other career fields generally thought to be immune to economic hardships are mercenary work, socialist government, and alchemy/classical wizardry.

Don’t Use Threatening Language; Use Passive-Aggressive Language Instead. Placing threatening language in your résumé, such as “If you don’t hire me, I’ll fucking cut your balls off,” could make potential employers feel threatened; hence the term “threatening language”. This could make employers label you as a “psycho” with “the possibility of going ‘postal.’ ” Bad news if you’re trying to get a job. That part’s obvious, but where most people make their mistake is that they use simple, straightforward wording. To most employers, this type of diction labels you as just another work zombie to be tossed about and toyed with. But if you use passive-aggressive language in your résumé, employers may see you as having managerial potential. Help your cause by stating plainly in your résumé that you’re a staunch supporter of malicious compliance of ‘the rules’; this is sure to set you apart from your peers.

Don’t Be Yourself. Unless you’re writing a résumé to get a job where you work for your mother, you should lie about yourself. The fact is that most people, especially employers, don’t want to know you. They want to know the you that you want to be. So don’t be you; instead, you should be the you that you want to be. So make sure that you are that you that you want to be beforehand. Which would then make you that version of you, so if you’ve already done that, then just be you. But if you haven’t, then don’t. I think I’ve made myself clear.

Remember to also heed the basic rules of résumé writing: keep it concise, keep it relevant, use the right ‘key words’, sell yourself, and use proper grammar & spelling. If you do that and use the tips found here, you’ll land some work in no time. Happy job-hunting!

TORONTO, Canada – The long heralded and highly respected Canadian Bicentennial Flower Club recently changed their logo to an item that looks suspiciously similar to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, more commonly known as HIV. Club President Carl Westcott denies using the image of the virus responsible for the AIDS epidemic as his clubs new international symbol. “Our logo is simply a beautiful flower,” Westcott said. “Obviously, it does not occur in nature, but it is a ‘concept’ flower, if you will.”

Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, offers a different perspective. “It’s pretty obvious that they just took our website’s diagram of the AIDS virus. They took off all the tags identifying the parts of the virus and just added their name to it.” Dr. Gerberding added, “This is not just copyright infringement; it’s incredibly morbid.”

Below: The AIDS Virus

Below: The Canadian Bicentennial Flower Club’s New Logo

Westcott called the accusations “ridiculous.” The logo was specifically designed to accentuate meaning in the club’s history, he said. “The outer ring of purple tulips represents the short lived yet incredibly violent ‘Tulip Revolution’ when a small group of Toronto separatists almost seized control of the city for a few hours in 1864.” Westcott went on to describe the rings of blue dots as “a ring of blue bells surrounding an enclave of pansies, inside which decorative, mangled dafidils are placed.” Westcott went on to describe the image to be “utterly beautiful” and a “perfect representation” of the club.

Still, others are not so convinced. Gabe Utsekcs, a flower enthusiast in the Toronto area, is also diagnosed with full blown AIDS, and he isn’t so sure about the logo. “On the one hand, I do think it is beautiful,” said Utsecks. “But on the other hand, it is a painfully tragic reminder of my terminal condition.” When asked whether the club should rescind the logo, Utsekcs contracted Kaposi’s sarcoma.