Sex Disasters: You Won’t Believe What Happened to Me in Bed!

Oops, something went missing! We lost…

…my pants. “One summer, I was hooking up with a hot Cuban guy in Havana, in a spot where the locals love to park and get busy,” recalls Sue, 32, who was studying abroad at the time. “When we were done, I turned to grab my pants from the backseat, and they were gone! Someone had reached in through the window and taken them. Who knew my Abercrombie & Fitch jeans were such a hot commodity? I had to sneak into the house of the host family I was staying with wearing just a top—good thing it was long enough to cover my butt.”

Oops, something went missing! We lost…

…my bikini. “Here’s a lesson I learned the hard way: If you’re going to get it on in the ocean, hold on to your stuff,” says Amanda, 25. “My boyfriend and I were hooking up, and he untied my bottoms. We searched around for them, but they were nowhere to be found. Nowhere!”

Oops, something went missing! We lost…

…the condom! “We looked high and low for it afterward: in the sheets, under the bed, everywhere,” says one anonymous reader. “I finally found it stuck inside me!” The game plan if this happens to you: Pull it out with your pointer and middle fingers, then visit the pharmacy for emergency contraception—and your M.D. for STD tests—ASAP.

We got caught by…

…his family. “I bought a cute ruffled apron from Anthropologie and thought it would be a great birthday present to surprise my boyfriend by cooking him dinner at his apartment after work wearing just that and high heels,” says Davida, 27. “When I heard the front door open, I bent over the kitchen counter, smiling as if to imply ‘Come hither.’ And in walked his mother, brother and best friend! Apparently they’d come over to plan their own surprise. After they practically fell over laughing, they closed their eyes while I ran to put on some clothes. Once my BF arrived, we told him the story—he didn’t believe it until I showed him the outfit!”

We got caught by…

…the tow-truck guy. “We were parked along the side of the road near the beach, in the back of a red Chevy van—no kidding,” says glamour.com commenter marjibeth. “It was romantic— the sound of the waves pounding, the sea breeze blowing through the windows. Then we heard loud clanking noises, and the back of the van started to levitate. It was being towed! Yes, I continued to see him even after that—and eventually I married him.”

We got caught by…

…a lifeguard. “There’s nothing like getting shamed by a guy blowing a whistle to teach you to keep it P.G.,” says Gabrielle, 24. “My boyfriend and I were long-distance, and when we saw each other for the first time in a while at a friend’s party at her pool club, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. No one was near us, so we started to get frisky in the pool in broad daylight. Looking back, I can’t believe we were so naive, but we thought no one would notice. Right when things began to get hot, a lifeguard came out of nowhere and kicked us out.” The moral here? Sex in public places is always risky, but if you must go there, go there at night!

Everything was fine till we broke…

…the wall. “I was hooking up with my boyfriend in the shower of our new rental house,” says reader Kelly, 32. “All of a sudden, he shouted, ‘Oh no!’ His butt had gone right through the tiles. It turned out the drywall behind them was rotten. Thank goodness there were no bruises or scratches.”

Everything was fine till we broke…

…the sink. Sometimes you just have to carpe the sex diem and laugh about it later: “I was working at a restaurant and had a huge crush on my coworker,” says Kate, 29. “One night, in the middle of my shift, he pulled me into the bathroom. Eventually he started going down on me, and the next thing we knew, we had broken the sink! He had to call one of the busboys in to stop it from flooding.”

Everything was fine till we broke…

…his penis. Penile fracture is rare, but it can happen. If you hear a pop or a snap—or if his penis turns black and blue—it’s time to call 911 immediately. “I was having a summer fling, and we were really going at it,” one reader told us. “I was about to reach the big O when we switched positions to doggy-style, but then he just stopped and moved to the edge of the bed. He was in such pain that he literally couldn’t speak. Finally he muttered softly, ‘I think you just broke my junk.’ We can joke about it now, but I bet his buddies are afraid of me.”

His mom (his mom!) gave me…

…birth control. “What ever happened to buying your future daughter-in-law a strand of pearls or some flowers to say, ‘Welcome to the family’?” wonders Mandy, 30. “My fiancé’s mom bought us condoms when we went to see her for the weekend right after we got engaged. She had set the mood for us in her master bedroom—candles and music included! I guess that was her attempt at letting me know she was going to be a cool—not prudish—mother-in-law, but I’ve never felt more uncomfortable! That was way too much intimacy for me.”

His mom (his mom!) gave me…

…lingerie. “And I’m not talking ‘could maybe, possibly be pajamas’ but a black, lacy, see-through teddy—with a thong!” says Lindsey, 28. “I called my boyfriend to tell him what had arrived in the mail—at work, no less—and he begged me not to wear it, ever, ever, ever.”

His mom (his mom!) gave me…

…sex advice. “My husband and I are both Greek,” says Penny, 30. “And on our wedding day, his mom pulled me aside to tell me that it’s true what they said in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: ‘Greek women, we may be lambs in the kitchen, but we are tigers in the bedroom.’ I smiled and told her I had to go cut the cake. I couldn’t wait to put an end to that conversation!”

Uh-oh! His penis was…

…tiny. “God played a joke on me: He brought me a 6’3” man with a small penis! My friends and I laughed that I’d ordered the steak and wound up with breakfast sausage,” says Lorraine, 30. “But you’ve gotta work with what God gives you—and we did.”

Uh-oh! His penis was…

…unexpectedly ginormous. “I never thought I’d say this, but a guy can be too big,” Traci, 33, says. “He frightened me—seriously! We had to stop midway through because it hurt, and I decided right then that I never needed to see it again! Good thing I wasn’t that into him.”

Uh-oh! His penis was…

…well, in the wrong place. “We were having a rock-star-worthy session with me on top,” says Jennifer, 23, “and things were amazing until he slipped out and went in the back door by mistake. It hurt, and there was some bleeding; things are delicate back there! I even saw the doctor later just to make sure everything was OK.” In a similar situation? Stop and clean up, and once you have your clothes back on, have an honest conversation about anal. Is it something he’s curious about? (“Thanks a lot, porn industry,” says Jennifer.) Is it something you’re curious about? And if you decide you are: lube!

And I’m still recovering from…

…calling him by the wrong name. An anonymous reader, 28, immediately went into damage control mode and handled this one like a pro: “I assured him that Jake was the main character in the book I was reading—not my ex,” she says. Big mental note: This trick works only once.

And I’m still recovering from…

…um, making noise. “It was super quiet except for our heavy breathing—until I heard the dreaded sound of air escaping from my body down there. I wanted to cry,” Katherine, 35, confesses. On behalf of every woman who’s felt the same shoot-me-now embarrassment, we called in an expert, who was quick to reassure: “Not only is vaginal ‘queefing’ normal, but it’s also a sign of great sex,” says Rachel Needle, a certified sex therapist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. “So try to relax and enjoy yourself.”