Trident: Coming, unintentionally, to a city near you

The Prime Minister gave her full-throated support for nuclear missile system that has all the accuracy of drunk aiming for the toilet bowl. Despite knowing that Trident was unable to hit ‘a cow’s arse with a banjo’, Theresa May demanded that the House of Commons back its renewal; stating: ‘I shot an arrow into the air, it fell to earth, I knew not where’.

Said one bemused Admiral: ‘It’s a deterrent alright. It’s deterred us from spending £31bn on a weapon that fails as a deterrent and fails as a weapon. The one thing that Mutually Assured Destruction was supposed to guarantee was destruction…now it can’t even deliver that’.

You could argue that in the event of global thermonuclear warfare, accuracy will not be as big an issue as 10ft cockroaches and being chased by Mad Max. However thanks to Brexit, Mrs May had staked her credibility on a series controlled explosions.

Despite a £350m refit, HMS Vengeance fired a malfunctioning missile towards the coast of Florida; which puts the UK one step ahead of North Korea. Explained one submariner: ‘People think we missed – it was actually a pre-emptive strike against a Trump Presidency’.

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