“HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE IS ENTIRELY A MATTER OF CHANCE.” –– Charlotte Lucas

I am inundated with the realization that love is in the air. No, not for me . . . for everyone but me. I’ve heard of Christmas in July, but Valentine’s Day in October? Two weeks ago my Mom and Dad celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I know! Cool ha! Last weekend, my first niece got married. It was a beautiful wedding. Next weekend my only sister who lives near me will get married. With all these celebrations going on around me, I have to admit I pondered marriage in general. What makes one so happy in their marriage? I thought of this quote that Charlotte says to Elizabeth when I danced with my dad at the 50th wedding anniversary: “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.” I honestly do not know if I believe it or not. I think a great deal is lost if I agree that happiness in marriage is left to chance. Things like hard work, forgiving of weaknesses, selflessness, and endurance are totally disregarded if I agree to this quote. There is no chance involved if both parties are working hard to love and accept each other and their weaknesses. It actually takes a great deal of effort. I know because I was married for 15 years. It was the hardest thing I ever attempted and I gave all I had to make it successful. But, hard work is not the only influence that played a part in my marriage, or the failure of it. I am finally coming around to believing that there was a good deal of chance in the decline. Whether it be financial issues, health issues, irreconcilable differences, or changes in each other that influenced its failure, I have learned that little of these were in my control. In my search for answers to whether or not happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance or not, I interviewed a few people. The people I interviewed ranged from my parents who have been married 50 years to newlyweds. Here is what they have said.

I asked: What makes a marriage successful? They said: “Tackling problems together. Not being competitive with each other and recognizing the special qualities that each brings to the marriage. Just plain old hanging on through thick or thin. Both have to work on it. My mom would call it grit.” –– Patsy Putnam, married 50 years “Learning the words ‘Yes ma’am’. No seriously, it is listening, communicating, having patience, and always trying to show love to each other. Never blame each other for things that do not work.” –– Ron Putnam, married 50 years “Communication and making that other person your best friend.” Betsy Wilkinson, married 22 years “Willingness to meet in the middle and agree to disagree and respect each other’s individual differences.” –– Tammy Jensen, newlywed “Total and complete emotional fidelity. You are completely invested in their emotional wellbeing, they are your top priority, not friends, video games, or other things. You become sensitive to their wellbeing and it welds you to the other.” –– KaraLynne Mackrory, married 11 years “Mutual respect and encouragement.” Dave Cummings, married 19 years “Two people being unselfish and trying to always to do things to make the other happy.” Tona Nielsen married 11 yearsI asked: What are your views on finding the right one? Do you think it is a matter of chance? They said: “We just got lucky as high school sweethearts. It just happened.” –– Patsy Putnam “I believe the Lord, even though I didn’t know it at the time, but He guided us to get together.” –– Ron Putnam “It is a matter of chance, courage, individual differences, and healthy expectations.” –– Tammy Jensen “No, I think there are learning experiences that shape us that we need to experience before we find the right person. I believe in predestination. I also believe people’s choices limit their ability to find the right person.” –– Betsy Wilkinson “No, it is a matter of work. There is choice in it but it is a matter of hard work. You should have a list of what you want in a spouse but then you have to date people who possess these qualities and also to work on yourself to be a better person so that you yourself possess those qualities.” –– KaraLynne Mackrory “I don’t think it is a matter of chance but there is a lot that you don’t know until you discover later. You never know for sure at the time of marriage if it is going to work. There is a lot of choice in the success of it. Not wholly choice or chance.” –– Dave Cummings “In my experience it was not. I felt very guided. I think I had divine intervention.” –– Tona NielsenI asked: What is the best thing about your spouse that you didn’t know when you married them? They said: “She has a big heart and loved people. She taught me a lot.” –– Ron Putnam “It didn’t occur to me to look for someone who would work hard and had talents to fix things. He has never been afraid to try new things and it has been a huge blessing to us. I didn’t have enough intelligence to know to even look for that.” –– Patsy Putnam “Willingness to change and improve himself for the sake of the relationship.” –– Tammy Jensen “He is adventurous and willing to try new things.” –– Betsy Wilkinson “I consider myself super lucky because there is so much I didn’t know and am so happy with. I would say his generosity in time, talents and with anybody.” –– KaraLynne Mackrory “I had no way to see how devoted she would be to her kids and that is definitely a strength that she has.” –– Dave Cummings “What a great amazing father he would be.” –– Tona NielsenI asked: If you could do it all over again, what would you change? They said: “I would have been a more involved father because I was busy making a living and keeping cars running and all that. I would have been more helpful around the house and sharing her chores. I grew up in a time when women had roles that were different than men and I have learned that is not the best way.” –– Ron Putnam “I wouldn’t change much. We would make the same mistakes because we grew from them and they added to the relationship and I wouldn’t take those away. Those decisions plotted our path for good.” –– Patsy Putnam “There are moments where we took each other for granted and we didn’t put the other person first. I would have knocked myself upside the head and told myself I was being selfish in certain things.” –– Betsy Wilkinson “I would probably change myself some. There are issues I had at the beginning but none of which has to do with Andrew, it all had to do with me.” –– KaraLynne Mackrory “Improve communication earlier in the marriage.” –– Dave Cummings “I would change that we took more time to enjoy our freedom to play before we had kids like going to a movie at 10:00 at night because you can.” –– Tona Nielsen So as you can see, there does not seem to be a consensus on whether happiness in marriage is a matter of chance, however, I can safely say that it is not “entirely” a matter of chance. Sounds like hard work, communication, selflessness, recognizing the others talents, sharing gender roles, being adventurous and trying new things, letting God direct you, not being competitive, mutual respect, emotional fidelity, improving yourself to match what you are looking for, healthy expectations, and tackling problems together seem to be vital in having a long and happy marriage. So to my mom and dad who thrived in 50 years of marriage, and to my niece who just was a beautiful blushing bride, and to my sister who has braved the marriage thing again, this blog is for you. May you find every bit of happiness in your marriage, you deserve it. You all do. As for me? Yes, I’m single, but someday I’ll find the guy who makes me blush, and if I’m quick enough, I might just live long enough to earn my 50th wedding anniversary. That chance is entirely possible. . . if you believe in chance. Jeanna Ellsworth Hey Lady Publications

Leave a Reply.

About the Author

Jeanna is a mother of three daughters, all whom are well versed in Pride and Prejudice; they are her best friends and the inspiration for her writing. She also proudly states she is the eighth of thirteen children. When she isn’t blogging, gardening, cooking, or raising chickens—or more realistically, writing—she is thoroughly ignoring her house for a few hours at a time in order to read yet another romance novel. Somewhere between being a mom, sister, writer, and cook, she squeezes in three 12-hour shifts each week as a Registered Nurse in a Neurological ICU. She finds great joy in her writing and claims she has never been happier.

Jeanna fell in love again with Jane Austen when she was introduced to the incredible world of Jane Austen inspired fiction. She can never adequately thank the fellow authors who mentored her and encouraged her to write her first novel. Through writing, Jeanna has gained something that no one can take away from her: hope for her own Mr. Darcy. More than anything, she hopes to prepare her three best friends to look for their own Mr. Darcy and to settle for nothing less. Jeanna’s works include: Mr. Darcy’s Promise, Pride and Persistence, To Refine Like Silver, Hope For Mr. Darcy, and Hope For Fitzwilliam. She is eagerly working on her first attempt at an original Regency romance novel: Inspired By Grace. For more information on these books, please visit her website, www.HeyLadyPublications.com