WHY YOU KEEP ENDING UP IN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE RELATIONSHIPS

Before I ever knew what being emotionally unavailable meant, I thought that I was born with some messed up, internal microchip magnet that would attract and be attracted to people who I never seemed to be able to please, be accepted by or be good enough for, just the way I was.

My “fairytale” had become an exhausting nightmare of different people, same outcome.

I was sick of trying so hard with my friends, my family, with guys… everyone.

I was sick of guys, sick of girls and mainly…

I was completely sick of myself.

I could go on an on for hours about how great I was, how educated I was, how I graduated with honors, where I had traveled, what languages I spoke, who I had dated and how I was the cat’s mother-f-ing pajamas, but did I really believe it?

It’s like, I knew I looked good on paper, but my experiences with emotionally unavailable guys, friends and family members, opened a door (that I was happy to skip right through), for me to truly believe that there was something wrong with me. If there wasn’t anything wrong with me, why was this continually happening to me? Why was I always misunderstood, hurt and abandoned?

Turns out, there was something seriously wrong with me:

I was a professional people pleaser; an insecure, emotionally unavailable, scared little girl on the inside that was afraid of rejection and terrified of abandonment.

I was attracting what I was exuding and sick of the constant “bad luck.”

People pleasing is the root cause of continued involvement with emotionally unavailable people.

When you’re a people pleaser, you unconsciously set yourself up for perpetual involvement in and continual attraction toward emotionally unavailable lovers and friends that will use you. They’ll act really amazing in the beginning and then, all of a sudden, blindside you by making you feel like you “did something” to make them turn icy. This can also potentially set you up for being with controlling and abusive partners. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Remember – people will only do to you what they feel like they can get away with.

YOU are the C.E.O of the most important company: Yourself. YOU get to decide whose hired, fired and who can’t be trusted; YOU get to ACT accordingly without having to answer to anyone because, oh that”s right… You’re the C.E.O. Stop keeping people around that screw your business over. Your business (you) is your livelihood.

When you’re a people pleasing, can’t-get-out-of-your-head mess, that looks to other people to impress and seek validation and acceptance from, you literally become the C.E.O that gives away all of the companies banking information to the burglar. You give people a license (and detailed instructions) on specifically how to screw you over, break your heart and walk away with all the benefits of being your friend or lover while you’re left feeling used, blaming yourself, obsessing and regretting the times you “slipped” in your behavior.

When you’re a people pleaser, you present yourself as someone that doesn’t value themselves, doesn’t think they’re worth much and that isn’t (you heard me… ISN’T) wanting a mutually respectful relationship even though you say that you do. Why? You’re so eager to people please that you immediately translate to the other (emotionally unavailable) person they have all the power and that you need their attention.

Once I acknowledged and owned my people pleasing behavior, no one else could exploit it.

You know how when you go to the doctor and a simple blood test can tell them all about your health? It’s the same thing with relationships. A simple look into ALL of your relationships can tell you everything you need to know about your relationship with YOU.

The moment that you commit to putting an end to the people pleasing, you will stop feeling so touchy and offended all the time. It’s liberating and it’s freeing because you start to take responsibility for your own happiness instead of making it everyone else’s responsibility to ensure yours.

My relationships now are all mutual and there isn’t this back and forth, exhausting emotional warfare.

If you want to kick the emotionally unavailable pattern for good, you need to stop trying to please others and start to please yourself by treating you well. Slowly, you’ll give less sh*ts about what anyone thinks and you’ll begin to live life, a happy life, a REAL life on your terms.

DDD87

This is me! This is how every relationship ends with me being told I am emotionally unavailable and they are tired of trying…..I suppose I never fully understood until I read this! Thank you for the insight! You are wonderful!

JM

Although I cringed all the way through reading this this was a very timely post.I have been people pleasing all my life and have recently been badly let down by 2 long term friends.I will print this off to remind myself to stand on my own in the future.Thank you.

John

I know you might find this hard to believe, but I’m a fifty-something English man that came across your site because I’m living the absolute hell all your blogs talk about. Every word, every searing, agonising, hellish feeling you express is me, now. I hope you don’t mind me writing this to you. I have some good friends, but they can’t understand. I’m glad they can’t. I wouldn’t wish this much pain on my worst enemy. I am almost completely hopeless. For any kind of salvation. Thank you for writing what you do. I don’t know what will happen to me, but I gain some comfort knowing it’s not uncommon. What a sad thing life can be. What a waste, of love, of humanity. God bless, John

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ABOUT NATASHA

PMS, at its core, is about relationships – how to better your romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, and how to better the most significant, exciting and necessary relationship that you will ever have (and that you will never be able to live without) – the one that you have with yourself. Read more →