Sunday, March 11, 2007

Juvenile Gagopolis: Deep Shit

One sunny afternoon, Ms. Saguid my teacher in kindergarten, asked us to form a circle in the middle of the classroom.

“I’ll be explaining to you how an eclipse happens,” Ms. Saguid informed us in her door-hinge-like voice.

Because we were good children then, we obliged without making any noise as Ms. Saguid headed to the faculty room. While waiting for her, nobody dared to initiate any sort of commotion because if you get caught by the teacher opening your mouth, you wouldn’t have a star and “very good” stamped on your hand.

After the Ice Age and the Cretaceous Period ended, our teacher returned with a huge globe and a steel-cased flashlight cradled in her arms. “Wooooooooo…,” we chorused upon seeing it.

Ms. Saguid went in the middle of the circle and started blabbering about the Sun, the Earth, the Moon and her fiancé. It’s evident that my classmates are engrossed in the topic as shown by the number of opened mouths and drool on the floor I saw. They were having fun—I did not. My tummy’s rumbling vehemently. Could it be…my friend shit? I think so, because I felt someone knocking at my “rear door.”

“No, you’re not going anywhere.” I told my shit.

But later on, his knocking became louder and harder that I eventually gave in. Broooot! Brooot! I knew that situations like this must be reported to classroom authorities so I raised my hand to get my teacher’s attention.

“Ano yun Allan?” she asked.

“Ma’am natae po ako sa short,” I confessed.

“Ha? Halika nga patingin.”

I walked toward her turning my back as I reached her. She then unbuttoned my shorts and pulled my briefs down for my classmates to see my ass in full glory—smeared with yellowish, creamy shit. (Yes, I remember THAT clearly).

“Ay, natae ka na nga!” My teacher shrieked.

Ate Sally, the fat class assistant, was summoned to accompany me to the comfort room. Ate Sally grabbed me by the arm and told me “Ikaw kasi, hindi ka nagsasabi.” We went into the comfort room without releasing her vice grip on my frail arm. She then made me lose my shorts and briefs so that the “ate” in the corner could wash my shitty clothes (Believe it or not, there’s an “ate” in my former school (in Pasig) whose job is washing shitty underwear). Ate Sally told me to sit on the bowl so that I could continue my interrupted ordeal.

“Hindi na kailangan. Ubos na.” I told her.

“E kung tapos ka na edi maghugas ka na ng puwet…”

“Hindi ako marunong!” I butted in.

“Hugasan mo puwet ko!” I ordered.

This time, I was the one making the orders. I could see from her facial expressions that she didn’t like what she’s doing—who would anyway?

When I returned to the classroom, all of my classmates were staring if not laughing at me; shame on that teacher ruining a poor child’s self-esteem. As if taking a shit in your underwear wasn’t embarrassing enough, she even let my classmates see my shit covered ass. Huhu.

If you noticed, my bestfriend Shit and I are still very good friends up to now.