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emotions

There’s a phrase “A life without love, isn’t a life at all” and as silly as it may sound for a 24 year old to say, I firmly believe this right now. For someone who has been in love, and been completely infatuated with it, I can say that for me personally when your out of love and even as far away from the prospect of being in love as you can be…you get to the point where you can feel like you aren’t living. Not to sound too sad. Maybe a better way to put it, is not living life with 100%…does that make more sense?

I’m not saying I’m going to jump into any relationship just in the hope I find the thing we call love, I’m not that kind of person. If anything the truth is that I’m extremely reserved right now. It would be nice to open up to just one person again. To have one person that knows all your inner most thoughts. That’s not to say I’m closed off to everyone. To the people closest to me, they know a lot, maybe even some stuff that no one should know…but then if you looked deeper it could be seen as if palming them off with completely useless facts to throw them off the scent of what is really going on in my head or even life.

I’d like to think that I’m seen on the outside as a woman who is desired but can’t really be caught or tied down, like an unattainable woman of mystery. When in reality I am probably just seen as stuck up and rude or something else along them lines. The truth is I’m just waiting for something amazing to come along, or for the right one to work their way in…someone to take a chance on I guess (wow…sounding like a Disney princess right now). With all that said, I’m actually okay with not having that at the moment. The need for a relationship isn’t strong enough for me to just dive into the first thing I find. Not to mention realistically there’s other things I need to prioritise first.

This is just something I’ve been thinking about, and like I said not having someone to share your inner thoughts with sometimes sucks. I’ve even considered changing this blog into more of a diary when I don’t have much else to write about. After all what’s most important when writing a diary? Honesty. And that I can do.

Firstly I’ll start with a little note, that I originally wrote this 3 maybe even 4 years ago. I had a relationship that started off absolutely amazing. To be completely honest it was my first real relationship, and the first and possibly the only time I have ever been completely and utterly smitten in love to the point where it literally engulfed me. And even now some of the memories from this relationship are some of the best memories I have. I may also add that I am still friends with this person as some bonds you create in life, will never be broken…saying that during some relationships it gets to the point where everything changes and that’s really what I want to talk about. I was reminded of this note I wrote down all them years ago when I found out one of my close friends was going through the same things as I did. So basically this is about that and knowing when it really is time to walk away. (Ok what started off as a little note, became a long one as I realised I had more to say about it then I thought…now onto the actual blog post.)

In life, we have relationships. Relationships with family, friends and partners. No matter who that relationship is with, it will go in waves. There will be good times and bad times…But there’s a clear difference between them. With family, you can’t really walk away from them. Because no matter what they will always be there, that’s what family does. For friends, sure we can walk away from them but it’s hard, and most of the time the problems can be rectified and within a week you’re friends again. But the one that’s the hardest is the partner relationships. Especially if you’re the one that cares the most. Your going to get hurt eventually, over and over again depending on how long you stay in that relationship. So eventually there will come a point where you have to be strong and walk away, because it’s got to the point where they feel like poison to you.

The hardest bit about this point is the mental torment that goes around in your head during it. When times are bad it’ll feel like your heart is repeatedly being ripped out of your chest, blended and then shoved back in there which is excruciating. But in between all of this there will be moments that are so sweet…probably just how they used to be, which will give you so much hope. Hope that things will one day be the same again, because deep down you love them unconditionally…and that’s the breaking point. The vicious cycle. Where you really have to think are the bad times over weighing the good one’s now. Of course it will be difficult at first, in fact forget that, it’ll be difficult for as long as it takes. Heck it took me over a year even after we’d split up, but that was because I didn’t completely remove myself from the situation and we were clearly seeing things differently. For him it was harmless doing thing we used to as a couple, but for me it was verging on manipulation of feelings. But anyway in long run you will without a doubt be so much better off, and some extent so much stronger for getting through it. What you’ve got to remember is that you aren’t the first person to feel like this and sadly you won’t be the last…probably even people close to home have been through a similar thing. Stay strong.

I don’t know wether it’s due to my heart being a gentle soul or the fact that I’m a girl and we have a lot of hormones…or it could be just down to the genes I’m made up from. But for me going to the cinema or the theatre is a rollercoaster…when it comes to emotions at least.

Depending on what film or performance you go to see, you can experience love, passion, anger, fear, amusement, and of course sadness…all within the space of a couple of hours! When you think about it, all of them emotions you have just experienced is a bit like the emotions you could feel over a two year relationship…which in my opinion is pretty impressive to say the least. The ability to manipulate your feelings, to apply it to the current situations of the main character. Not to mention you could do it all over again the following day or even the following week. Learning a new story everytime, through observing other’s lives (well, acted out lives). Experiencing all of that through emotions, basically without the actual impact of drama of it all.

It’s all pretty incredible…but of course if we only ever lived through films and performances, then we’d never really allow ourselves the chance to actually live. Which you know, is what life is really about. Living, experiencing, feeling. Let’s be honest though…It’s perfect if you need an escape for a hour or two.

There’s a lot of things I aim to improve on…and I could palm you off on a less personal one like my photography skills but I’m being honest and open this month. One of the things I’m focusing on improving right now is myself. A blog I wrote this month was about three lessons I’d like to teach my children…but for me to teach anything to anyone else, I have to be a better/more together person myself.

The main improvements always seem to lead back to one thing – finding myself. They say you can’t be truly happy until your happy alone. So I’m trying that. I’m alone…but I’m still lost. I think the problem is that I’m too alone. I open myself up to new people in some ways, but I never fully submerge myself. In a way I think that would help me. In a previous blog I’ve also mentioned about how complete strangers can help you find the right path you belong on, after being pushed around by the wind first. I think that’s what I need to try. So this is the first step to submerging myself to change for the better, and making a few personal improvements….so here’s to submerging and hoping to not drown…

Having to write a random letter reminds me of the time I had to write letters to my ‘friends’ on animal crossing…even though I knew they didn’t understand english normally. Being set to write a letter with no topic is pretty hard. I never really know what to say. I could update you on how life is going in Natalie World…but to be honest there’s not a lot going on. I’m still single which isn’t really a bad thing, as right now I’m not sure I’m really capable of giving someone else emotional attention (this leads me into thinking I may be becoming a heartless bitch). I still have a cafe job…which isn’t really where I thought I’d be at twenty-two. It’s comfortable and nice, but it’s not really mind-blowing. I still live at home, which again is nice because I like seeing them everyday but at the same time I miss living alone at times. My money situation sucks, I have things to save for, things to pay off, holidays I want to go on, a new car I’d like but nowhere near enough money for any of them. Trying to find another job sucks! Most places won’t take me due to no experience in the area, and I always feel like any jobs that do actually want me are a step in the wrong direction to where I want to be. And on the social side of things most nights I’d rather be in bed watching tv, than going out and getting drunk with friends…like a lot of people my age. I’m just stuck I guess, and maybe set in my ways a bit in other areas. Not very interesting really…anyway until next time friend?

Now I know this is intended as an insightful and possibly inspiring blog but I was stuck with what to write for this blog, and even which direction to go in. So like I do with everything else…I took to google to get some ideas. I then stumbled across an extremely ‘uplifting’ list of blessings we have in life. On this list was things like wisdom, protection, purpose, and free will…to which on this one I read it as ‘free wiFi‘ so in a freak turn of events I’m going to start off with that twist.

Free WiFi – I know this is shallow in someway when we look around at the world at what we’ve been given and the life we have, but I am grateful for free WiFi. I mean firstly because I have a blog…I mean I can’t go a day without checking my stats to see what countries have looked at me. Another good reason for free WiFi is, if what I’m planning takes off (going travelling), I need wi-fi to be able to contact my family without spending money.

Freedom – This ones a bit more profound. I am grateful for freedom. I’m grateful for the freedom to be able to do what I want, wear what I want, and be who I want. There’s so much freedom we have in this life that we don’t realise when compared to others…it’s crazy to think about it.

Nature – It’s a beautiful world we have, and we waste it by being stuck inside doing pointless daily tasks. Theres so much to experience and learn, and it’s right outside our doors.

Having a voice – Everyone has their own opinions, and they have a choice to voice it in a number of ways. Whether people listen or not, the chance of one person listening and it influencing them in some way is massive. So be brave, and maybe even take a stand.

Having support – there’s a lot that happens in life, but even if there’s only one person to offer support it’s normally gratefully accepted. Especially through tough times and even if it’s by doing the smallest act of kindness…it goes a long way…