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Getting Through the Gridlock

When there’s a particularly thorny issue that you and your partner disagree about, it can become all-consuming. It hangs between you like a thick fog, shading all the things that are going well in your relationship. Ironically, at the same time these are the kinds of topics that you increasingly ignore: After all, you’ve already tried and failed to resolve it, so you shove it in the closet while quietly seething. Let’s call it a “toxic topic,” because that’s what it is—toxic for your relationship and even your own mental health.

So what do you do when you find yourselves stuck in war of wills? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Don’t carry the issue with you like so much baggage, hauling it out every time you have a drink with your buddies. They’re not the ones you need to convince that you’re right—and even if you do, take it for what it’s worth. It’s easy to convince a friend about nearly anything when they don’t have a dog in the fight.

Let’s say the dilemma is this: she wants to move to a bigger house, and you’re perfectly happy living where you are. Sure, you can probably convince others all day long that she’s wrong and you’re right, but then again, they’re inclined to agree with you no matter what as a show of solidarity. More importantly, it’s not their house or their wife. Besides, what does it accomplish? Telling your wife or partner that your friends think she’s nuts is likely only to make her dig in her heels.

2. Do continue trying to resolve the issue. Even when it seems like you’ve reached an impossible impasse, there’s always another way to approach it. Talk openly, and without malice, about why each of you feels the way you do. Make sure you understand why she’s unhappy in your current home, or what she hopes will be better about a different one. Likewise, make sure she understands your reservations.

Try making a date to discuss it—and in the meantime, do some mental preparations. This does not mean finding ways to bolster your argument. It means spending some time soul-searching about your true feelings. Maybe your parents always worried about money when you were growing up, and taking on a bigger mortgage brings up old insecurities. They might be valid, but it’s helpful to understand where it’s coming from. Then you can talk to a financial advisor or simply run some numbers; you might decide you really can afford a bigger house without sacrificing financial security.

3. Do always remember to consider multiple options. The more contentious an issue becomes, the more people tend to see them in black and white. There are always compromises, especially once you know what each other really hopes to accomplish.

Just don’t give up; don’t sweep it under the rug; don’t expend your energy rallying a crowd of well-meaning friends to your side. Instead, show faith in the relationship and respect for each other by continuing to talk it through. You might be surprised how empowered (and relieved) you’ll feel by breaking the gridlock and finding a mutually satisfying answer and a common goal to work toward together.
If you and your partner are stuck in disagreement over an issue that matters deeply to you both, please give us at a call at 949-220-3211 or schedule an appointment via our online calendar. We at the Relationship Center of Orange County are here to help you.

What People Are Saying

If you are struggling with relationships concerns, the OC Relationship Center is the place for you. Their expert clinicians focus specifically on relationships, and are skilled in couples therapy. This practice is run efficiently, so in addition to the therapy itself, the experience of being a client here is smooth and accessible. Highly recommended!read more

Chris Chandler

14:31 06 Jan 18

Casey Truffo is incredibly warm, compassionate, and helpful! I have enjoyed getting to work with her and experience her wealth of insight and direction. I would highly recommend her services to anyone looking for help in their relationships!read more

drvernitamarsh

23:40 04 Jan 18

I had the opportunity to work with the owner of the center and I have found her to be respectful, competent and warm. Given, the reputation and character of the owner, I have no doubt that her staff are held to the same standard and caliber.read more

Jennie Steinberg

06:38 04 Jan 18

OC Relationship Center is a wonderful group practice. They take wonderful care of their clients, and help couples to thrive! I highly recommend them to anyone seeking therapy to help heal and improve their relationships.read more

April De Higes

01:58 04 Jan 18

This place is very welcoming. All the therapist are experienced, warm and caring, and effective. They work will all issues from couple communication struggles, to depression and anxiety. As a therapist myself, I happily refer to all the therapists in this office.read more

al potash

20:36 29 Dec 17

An amazing place ! My experience of the staff, ambiance and the seamless access to a specialists made me feel cared for and valued.read more

Amber Miller

19:19 27 Dec 17

I know the therapists at the OC relationship center of orange county and they are very experienced in individual and couples therapy. The office is both warm and inviting and I would recommend them to anyone.read more

Ellen Bradley-Windell

00:10 23 Dec 17

What an amazing group of caring, warm and experienced therapists....The Relationship Center of Orange County should be your first choice when choosing to enrich your most precious relationships.read more

Suzanne Smith

22:26 15 Mar 16

Casey Truffo is an incredible therapist and leader. As such, she has assembled a terrific team of practitioners to help couples and individuals heal in relationship with one another or heal in the relationship they have to themselves, respectively. Casey's center offers a beautiful environment for clients to feel safe, heard and empowered. I would send anyone I know to her center, and I trust hers and the skills and knowledge of her practitioners wholeheartedly.read more

Ana Maria Sierra, Ph.D.

04:58 15 Mar 16

I have known Casey Truffo professionally for some time. She is a highly experienced, warm, and compassionate psychotherapist who places the heart at the center of her group practice. You can be certain that you will be made to feel welcomed and well taken care of either by Casey and her staff of seasoned professionals. I would also like to add that Casey is a recognized leader and mentor to many, both nationally and internationally. So, if you are seeking an understanding and approachable counselor who can help you have a more satisfying and healthier relationship, be it with your partner, your child, or with yourself, I recommend that you contact Casey now.read more

Nadia Jones

06:43 26 Oct 15

I have known Marni Reinhardt for the last 12 years. I have seen her bloom as a therapist and grow in her skills from the beginning. She can add so much into her work through her special training in hypnosis and relational issue as well as Evidence Based Practice Models. She is a caring, compassionate, and direct therapist who loves her work and more than anything to help. I highly recommend her!read more