Exclusive interview with Matt, err…Kylo Ren! (Satire)

With all the Star Wars news hitting this week, we at That Hashtag Show reached out to the First Order and was granted an exclusive interview with Kylo Ren to talk about all the cool things we are expecting from D23 and Episode IX in December, as well as the Kenobi news and new trailer for Star Wars: Resistance.

We sent one of our new guys, staff writer Lyle Russell, out to the shuttle for the trip back to the new First Order base for the sit down. The last one we sent was blown out of an airlock, so we only send rookies for these kind of assignments. We last saw him with two Storm Troopers putting a bag over his head and loading him into an AAL-1971. We received a data transmission this morning from him, but that’s it. We’re not sure where he is now, but he sent back the interview. Here’s the transcript, just as we received it.

Kylo Ren, the Interview: on Episode IX

Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order

THS: Hello Star Wars fans! It is an amazing pleasure to be sitting down with the new Supreme Leader of the First Order, Kylo Ren. Thank you for agreeing to talk with us, Kylo.

KR (masked): The pleasure is definitely yours.

THS: It is, it is. So let’s get right to it. Episode IX is coming in just a few short months. Will we get to see a new trailer drop at D23?

KR (masked): Is that a droid? What is D23?

THS: You’re hilarious! Seriously, when will we get to see more footage?

KR (masked): If you’re depending on a droid for anything, you are going to be disappointed. My uncle depended on that rolling trash bin R2 for everything, and you see how that turned out. Now, if you’re referring to the people who worship the mouse, I have subjugated them. They will show what I tell them to show.

THS: Alright, well the biggest rumor this week is the confirmation of a Disney+ Obi-wan series. What are your thoughts on that?

KR (removes his mask): Is that the old man in the desert? My uncle spoke highly of this person, but my grand father has shown me his true nature. He told me that he always hogs the high ground, and like to talk in riddles from a certain point of view. All Jedi nonsense if you ask me.

THS: Even so, fans are clamoring for more details. Will you be subscribing to Disney+ to watch it?

KR: Sheep, they are… consuming all of that mouse garbage. Once I finish off the Resistance, that planet is next.

THS: Does Disney make you that angry?

KR (agitated): Did you see The Last Jedi? Who wouldn’t be angry. The only person I couldn’t defeat there was that Kennedy woman. She is strong with the Force. She wields something called the “Lucasfilm Canon”. We searched for it, but it is a well-guarded secret.

THS: It’s really not. There’s this guy named Pablo Hidalgo who…

KR: I knew sending Lieutenant Colonel Zack and Tim from the 501st to conduct the search was a mistake…

About The Author

Parks and Rec Programmer by day, writer by night! Outdoorsman, historian, author, woodworker, falconer, and lover of all things Star Wars. And before you ask... yes, working at Parks and Rec is just like the tv show, only crazier.
Debut novel, "Code Name: Augustine" due out by Spring 2020. Check it out!