Case Number 08806

SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK

The Charge

This year, spring break really bites.

Opening Statement

As lame as that tagline and the title are, they don't approach quantifying
how cheesy this TV shark movie really is.

Facts of the Case

Dear Misty:

Hey girl, what's up? This is Danielle (Shannon Lucio), writin' to ya from
Florida! Yeah, it's Spring Break, and the sun is out, the water is warm, and the
guys are all horny scumbags. Sweet, huh? Since you're my best friend and all,
you know how hard it for me to plug into this party scene, but I have to tell
you: the people are so fun and crazy it's getting pretty easy to act like a
drunken whore!

I've got to tell you about this one guy I met. His name is J.T. (Justin
Baldoni) and he's a total hottie. I don't know what his initials stand for.
Maybe "Juicy Tenderloin?" Anyway, he's been giving me a lot of
attention lately, even though I notice some of the other girls look at him with
eyes that say "Don't ever come near me again you evil bastard! I'll never
forgive you for taking advantage of me while I was in a drunken stupor! I'd call
the cops but you'd just deny it. You worthless @#$%!" or something like
that (I'm not good at reading people).

There's another guy, too. His name is Shane (Riley Smith). (He looks like
that crackhead from 24, the kid who smuggled that virus in from Mexico,
you remember?) He's pretty cool. He works for his mom, renting out fishing boats
and doesn't like partying much. I guess he likes books and stuff. We met at a
dance and had a good time and all, but I'm not sure if I like him like
him.

Lately, I've been hearing rumors of disappearing kids. In fact, someone
mentioned sharks the other day. Geez, don't tell my dad, or he'll have a panic
attack! You know how over-protective he is! Well, if it is a shark, I'm not too
worried -- my brother has been developing a long-range electronic shark
repellant. It looks like it will never work, but my brother has glasses and
long, dirty hair so he must be smart. I hope we never have to use it!

Misty, I've gotta go. Me, Shane, J.T., and some other friends are going
on a boat trip in a few minutes. It should be a lot of fun! Here's hoping I
don't get caught swimming too far from the boat as a pair of massive, man-eating
tiger sharks circle around, then, when I manage to make it back into the boat in
the nick of time, those sharks don't slam their huge heads into the hull,
disabling us, and forcing us to make it to an island on half-a-piston. That
would stink. You know what else would stink? If we managed to repair the boat
and make it back to the beach and tried to warn the authorities of a looming
shark attack, but the cops ignored us and a hundred sharks stormed the beach and
started eating co-eds. That would sooooo be a buzzkill.

Talk to you soon!

Love,

Danielle

The Evidence

Dear Danielle:

Sounds like a crazy week! I hope you take care of yourself. I was talking
to Tabitha on the phone yesterday and she was telling me some pretty wild things
about that beach you're at. She says that she has in fact seen some sharks
swimming around. But, according to her, getting devoured isn't the most
dangerous part of the beach though -- it's the date rape. Apparently, some guy
has been going around slipping roofies in girls' drinks. I know it sounds like a
screenplay for a bad Lifetime made-for-TV movie, but be careful anyway
sweetie!

And another thing. Tabitha told me about this creepy guy named Joel
(Bryan Brown) who wanders around the beach scowling a lot. I guess he owns a bar
at another side of the beach, but the kids don't go there anymore and he's
losing business. Tabitha says that the rumors are he's a moral-free idiot and
has been hatching a plan to force people off of your beach and back to his, just
so he can make more money on his Tequila shots. Now don't tell anyone, but she
tells me that she heard from some guy who heard from some girl whose boyfriend
lives with a guy who works for the bar that this Joel guy may be responsible for
the sharks! That he's been taking a fishing boat into the ocean and throwing
chum into the water to attract tiger sharks so the kids will be scared and come
back to his bar! Is that not the stupidest plan you've ever heard. My brain is
cramping just from conceiving the inanity of that plot.

My advice: stay close to that Shane guy. He sounds like a misunderstood
kid with a heart of gold, and if you play your cards right, you just might me
able to kiss him! Following a harrowing shark ordeal, of course. Also, stay as
far away from J.T. as you can. That guy sounds like a big jerk, and you know
what that means -- he'll likely be chewed to bits by a shark and die very
painfully!

While I'm a bit envious of the warm weather, the wanton debauchery, and
good-looking guys, I do have to admit that I'm kinda glad I'm not there. In all
honesty, Danielle, it sounds like you're smack in the middle of a ghastly
assemblage of Dawson's Creek clichés, with a few lame shark
encounters thrown in. See ya later!