Fill Me Up God…

That song is so beautiful to me! When the minister of music first sung this at my church I was like, Lord where did this song come from!? It’s so beautiful!

Just like a car with no gas, I was there on the side of the road with nowhere to go, nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. While everyone was going on, passing me with their beautiful lives and happiness, I was just stuck, on zero. On empty. Talking about my situation to people only made it worse. As bitterness, worthlessness and hopeless grew on the inside of me every time I would strain to utter the same words over and over again, trying to make an understanding of something I couldn’t. So I was stuck, with the gas light on, stranded at a complete stop.

And all it took was the final rejection for me to understand, I was really praising the problem. The problem took over my mind more than God did! It had a strong hold of me, which I didn’t realize until the last rejection out of my desperate urge to save what I wanted to hold on to. And as I went home, with an utter loss for words at the attempt I tried to complete, I surrendered.

Left on empty, I started to sing Fill me up God… Fill me up God… Fill me up… Fill me up God…until I overflow! I wanted to trust God so bad! I knew what His Word said, but it just seemed I couldn’t grasp it at the point. And God, no matter how I felt like I disappointed Him, kept talking to me, “Be Still and Know I am God!” I was disobedient to Him, and I repented for that. So out of the emptiness, I knew the first step was to pray and read (and meditate) on His Word. I wanted to be rebellious of that too because I didn’t feel like crying anymore. But I simply obliged and began to pour out to Him, once again.

In a YouTube I listened to about trusting God, she so awesomely shared that in the lonely places God has called you too, you have to deepen the relationship with God. When you feel alone, that’s your que to start reaching out to God again, for Him to show you your next step! I turned off the junk on TV, spent hours and hours talking, praying reading the bible, listening to worship music, listening to sermons, I blocked every distraction! I told dudes who wanted to talk to me, I wasn’t available because I was trying to make my relationship right with the Lord. Why was Heather Lindsey’s story identical to mines?

But, nevertheless, God started to get the gas can, met me at the stranded spot and started to fill me up. I started to listen to more sermons, read more stories in the bible, went over previous notes taken until I felt my soul starting to mend again. And while listening to my favorite preachers, I started to feel better & content about everything! I started to recognize the silver lining in the cloud, recognize the battle is not about me, knowing that my hope is in Him, recognizing my faith is being tested! (I don’t know if anyone ever felt the excitement and overjoyment when someone preached a good word, but that was what I was feeling!)

Then I started to see, I cared less and less about what happened to me and cared more and more about doing what God told me to do. Now that’s Gods filling!