Writing for Woman's World Magazine and others. Half critique. Half blog. Half not so hot with math.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Appearing in issue #5, February 3, 2014

Title:
A friend of the family

By
Author: Laird Long

Tag line:Trevor was dead, and to Marguerite,
it sounded like a case of murder!

Police characters: None.

The gist:Marguerite and Trevor were
sweethearts.They had planned to spend a
lovely weekend in his country home, but Trevor’s three kids, adults in their
30s, showed up uninvited: Brandon, Bruce and Beatrice. The kids had spent much
of the day arguing with their estranged father, quarreling about how he should
still be supporting them and what a tightwad he was.The night before had been a bad night with
Brandon snoring all night, Bruce tossing in his sleep, and light sleeper
Beatrice yelling at both of them to quiet down. Tonight at midnight they finally
all retired to bed.A loud bang awakened
Marguerite from a sound sleep an hour and a half later. She went to
investigate. She saw Trevor’s bedroom door ajar at the end of the hall, which
was unusual.She went to his room and
found him dead, sprawled face-up on the floor with a bullet hole in his forehead.On her way back to her room to get her cell
phone to call the police, she peeked in each of the children’s rooms. Brandon
was lying on his back, eyes closed, seemingly asleep.Bruce was on his side apparently sleeping.
And Beatrice was curled up under her bedcovers fast asleep. Marguerite called the police and then knocked
loudly on each kid’s door.The three
roused themselves and stumbled into the hallway rubbing their eyes.Marguerite told them their father was dead
and the police were on their way.There
was little emotion from any of the kids. None of them claimed to have heard a
gunshot.Marguerite was sure it was
murder and she knew who did it.

Crime scene:Trevor’s home.

Clues:How the three siblings slept.

Suspects: All three kids.

Red herrings: None.

Solution: All three siblings did it.For a loud snorer Brandon was dead quiet when Marguerite opened the
door.Bruce was still, dead asleep.And for a light sleeper Beatrice was
pretending to be asleep despite the loud gunshot that awakened Marguerite.

My two cents:I’m underwhelmed.So let me get this straight.All three adult kids got up and went into
their father’s room and one of them shot and killed their father, and then they
all crept back to bed and pretended to be sleeping.Have I got that right?Marguerite was awakened by the gunshot.She was just down the hall.She got up to investigate.There were no lights flashing on or off, no noise
of doors closing, feet running, excited utterances…just one bang and all is
silent. Maybe they’re zombies.Zombies are pretty cold, can see in the dark,
and are dead quiet.

Snorers don’t
snore every second they’re sleeping.Nor
do tossers toss all night.Light
sleepers may not sleep well all night but they do fall into deep sleep for a portion
of the night.What Marguerite saw when
she opened their doors for a moment proves nothing as far as who killed dad.

If Trevor
had shot himself there would have been a gun at the scene.At least tell the reader that no gun was seen,
so we can look elsewhere.

Three last comments from me: I think
Trevor should be shot for naming his offspring Brandon, Bruce and Beatrice; this case would make a defense attorney
salivate; and I don't get the title.

10 comments:

Tamara
said...

I don't get the title either. Wonder if it was created by author or editor. I find your critiques infinitely more entertaining than the stories. Anyway, I think it's more farfetched than even some of my rejects.

Faaaaaar-fetched. All of our rejected stories, and I mean ALL of them, were better than this one. I see this author's name a lot in WW. Maybe the "John Floyd syndrome" is in play here.

After another read I think Marguerite wasn't a sweetheart but a good friend of Trevor's. The title makes a bit more sense that way. Although she sure wasn't a friend to the siblings. The title should have read "A friend of Trevor's" or "A friend in need" or some such thing.

I use those big letters at the beginning of my stories (just because I can), and almost all magazines use them. I make breaks in my stories with little stars to indicate time lapses. The editor ignores my spaces and runs everything together, but I notice in a lot of these mysteries, she puts in those big letters, with breaks, when there's no time lapse or other reason for a space. She does it twice in this one. And, shouldn't the solution read "Whom" rather than "Who"?

Three people guilty when there's only one bullet wound? How? Did two of them hold him down while the third fired the gun? In which case why no bruises on the victim, no cries for help? And what about blood spatters on the siblings? With no gun at the scene and no clues - or, at least, only ridiculous ones about sleep patterns that don't mean a thing - this one was weak. The author may be a regular in the pages of WW, but, sorry, this time I couldn't see why.

I believe you're right on both observations. The story is broken up at odd places. In looking back over old copies of WW I see that there are always 3 large letters in each story. They are always in the 1st, 3rd and 4th column and are not at any sort of natural break in the story. Odd. It must be a visual color break WW uses for the page.

@ Chris. Well, if the siblings conspired to kill off good old dad and they all went in, even though only one pulled the trigger, they're all guilty. The gunman would be charged with murder and the others would be charged with conspiracy to murder/joint venture. They might all get the same sentence. Or sometimes the gunman gets a little higher sentence and the joint venture people get almost as high. I don't believe the joint venture peeps could get the death penalty...I'd have to research that. Maybe if the crime was particularly heinous.

Ha, Friend of the Family as in his "very good friend". Evidently Dad liked to keep his liaisons secret from his "kids" and was really put out when they showed up and ruined his weekend. I am surprised he didn't dump them out on the street and save his own life. Marguerite is well out of that family. Jody, you are right. The logistics simply do not add up, as with many WW stories of both genres.

As for who and whom, I think you will find that most American grammarians have just about given up on whom since no one uses it any more. Same for the word me. Even supposedly educated people are afraid of it and resort to I and myself constantly. Ever watch TV?

Mary Jo, The "I" error is one of my pet peeves; just can't stand it and don't understand why it is so common (Betty sent books to Joe and I -- oh, really, she sent books to I?) You're right; I hear it on TV by journalists all the time.

Tamara, the thing is, the American ear is becoming so accustomed to the "I error" that it is now almost impossible to convince anyone that it is wrong. Language is the one thing that binds us all together. It does deserve more respect.

I agree, Mary Jo, and I think one reason is that we hear the correction from parents and teachers, "Johnny and I went to the store" rather than "Me and Johnny", and people get it into their heads that there is no place for the word "me", that it is always wrong.

Mom on my porch, doing the same jigsaw puzzle she does every day.

Kayla, my granddaughter. :)

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Send your story as a Word e-mail attachment to ladyrprter at aol dot com, and the fee to PayPal using ladyrprter at aol dot com for the payee

Your tag line is the hook that gets someone interested in reading your work. It's one of the most important lines of your story. Take time to make it sparkle.

Criminals don't always think the crime through--especially if the crime is one of passion or revenge--but don't have them make stupid or stilly mistakes just to get your story written. Make the mistakes something that you just normally don't think about. Like the pruning skin in this story.

You don't always have to have crime scene details to make a mystery story work. Cozy mysteries sell well if you make the characters interesting.

Once again WW chose a story with a female cop and little old ladies. Just remember to use the proper words for the crimes and before you say things like, he jimmied the lock, understand just what that is.

You've only got 700 words. Make them count. Don't waste words on things that don't matter. And NEVER give a clue and then later in the solution change it to the opposite. That's not fair. Just how is the reader supposed to figure it out then?

There are many ways to lay out the solve-it-yourself story. You don't always have to have the reader guess who the perp is. This week's story was presented with a fresh angle. We knew who did it. The question was did she cover her tracks well enough to fool the police?

As writers we often ask the reader to suspend disbelief a bit, but don't overdo it. Keep it as real as you can or you'll lose the reader.

If you have four suspects, have four good motives. Otherwise what's the point in having four suspects? It is almost a sin to have four suspects and not have even one decent red herring in the bunch. That's just a waste of words.

When the reader expects one situation, and gets another, that's really a form of a red herring. I expected a tired old theory and was given the surprise of a fresh twist. As the reader I was tricked...and that's a good thing.

When you reuse characters be sure to make them interesting and likable. Being cranky is not the same as being interesting. Be careful to not let one of them become mean. It's hard to like someone who calls people names and teases them about their not so glorious past.

Don't introduce a main character too late in the story. The reader feels cheated.

You don't always have to have police involved for a mystery to work. Be realistic if you are going to use animals in your story. Lassie wasn't real.

Write in more than one good motive. Two or three people could have done it, but only one has the means and opportunity to go with that motive.

I realize you only have 700 words to get in your story, but use every one of those words wisely. Don't repeat to fill the space. If your story is really done in 350 words, your story is too simple.

Try not to use the same old tired solutions. We're writers. Come up with something new and interesting. Treat the readers to a challenge. If I see one more muddy footprint on a white carpet...I'm going to hurt somebody.

Readers like to follow the same characters. Once you sell a mystery to WW, try building up a following by using the same police characters in future stories. Do us all a favor though... make them likable.

I know I'm repeating myself (talk about deja vu) but please try your very best to come up with a fresh twist or interesting solution that hasn't been done before. We want WW readers to LOVE this mystery page...not become bored with it.

Don't use too many names in your story. It just confuses the reader. The story this week handled this extremely well. You knew who you were reading about from the character's description. It all flowed well and never pulled the reader out of the story.

A short story is really just a very short novel. The same rules apply. Give us characters we will love and care about. Don't have them doing silly things.

Once again we have someone not acting right. Check your facts. Check your facts. Check your facts. Did I mention you should ALWAYS check your facts? Getting the details right should just be a given.

Make sure the solution makes sense. Common sense. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? Think? How would you act? Don't throw in a rotten fish just for smell.

Know the proper use of words. Men don't leer at each other -- generally. lol. Don't make up a silly details to fit your story line. Make sure everything works and people act in character.

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Following sixteen years as a travel agent (more travel than money) Jody Lebel switched gears, returned to school and became a court reporter (more money than travel). She swapped jetting off to fun and exotic locations for reporting the cases of murderers, rapists, and thieves who are, by the way, almost never in a good mood. Being assigned to the chief judge in Broward County exposed her to a wide spectrum of cases; from funny to tragic to bizarre to downright creepy. She has reported everything from a homeless guy who had jumped the turnstile on the Metrorail and was now in jail for not having a quarter, to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who murdered six women. ******
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My track record --

I took Kate Willoughby's workshop on how to write for Woman's World magazine. I highly recommend it. Go to her blogspot site at womansworldstyle.blogspot.com for more info.

Then I sat down and wrote my first romance story for WW. That was in July 2012. It sold in November 2012 and appeared in the December 31st issue.