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Monthly Archives: January 2016

I remember taking Psych10 (Journey into the Self) during my first year in UP. There was one day when we had to be in one circle and each of us were asked what our worst fear was. I was in love when I was asked that question, but I guess the fact whether I was in love or not doesn’t really matter, because the answer never changed. My worst fear, until now, is change. It’s a lame thing to say, (and a lame thing to make a joke about – my friends literally got coins from their pockets and shoved them into my face since I was afraid of ‘change’) but it’s true. I grew up getting used to adjusting to different kinds of people, falling in love with their souls, their hearts, their stories. I loved treating them the same – giving them all the love I can give. But that’s what triggers the fear: making people important and being important to them. You start getting attached to them and then you start being afraid to lose them, and when something comes up and things have to change, you just lie beside yourself thinking and asking why all this has to happen. I don’t like changes. I don’t like it when people change. I don’t like it when I lose the people I met for the new them. I don’t like thinking that I might have done something wrong to contribute to this change.

My fear of change hasn’t faltered. It remains the same thing I’m afraid of. It remains the same thing that terrifies me. Albeit inevitable, I choose to avoid it. Just because I don’t like losing people.

Exactly why I haven’t been honest with my feelings for quite a long time now. I’m terrified that once you hear the truth that I never dared to speak out, things will change. And so you’ll never know. You’ll never confirm. You might think of it, but I’ll never tell you why or how or confirm its validity.

Or maybe I will.
Once my fear of changes runs down and stays away;
Or when I finally find the courage in me to tell you the truth and ask you what you fear the most.

Being an open book, a girl full of energy, and everyone’s “happy, cheerful friend,” it never becomes easy to hide feelings or try to avoid showing them. One letting out of breath, even the most silent, becomes loud when your friends know you too well. The moment you sit and think while everyone continues to laugh at the joke that made a certain impact to you, and they too become quiet, knowing that something they said hit you. Surprisingly, you know very well that there are things that you try to hide from your own self, too – which, of course, you never succeed at because that is just the weirdest and most messed up thing you can ever try to do. Point is, it’s kind of difficult to be an open book, because you become too predictable, and at the same time vulnerable. Unfortunately, one of the things I tried to keep to myself but failed to was my confusion over my feelings for you.

Meeting you was one of the best things that ever happened to me. (Cliché as this statement always sounds, no doubt that it’s true with you). And that was just the first of many bests. You became an outlet, you became a sponge who knew a lot of stories about me because I decided to open up and show both souls – the happy and the desperate- to you. You knew all my frustrations, and for a lot of times, you were there when I needed to break down and cry my feelings out. You discovered the person I am behind all the love I try to comfort everyone with. You found out that even the most energetic person you meet can have dull days – that I can be very boring, that I might be too sensitive at times, and that I usually take one step forward then two steps back because I can get very weak even when I seem to be at my strongest state. With you becoming everything that I seemed to need, you began to feel like home. You became the person I thought of when I listened to Fall Out Boy (hear: Favorite Record, Me and You (with the long title that I preferred not to write HAHA), Alone Together), Ed Sheeran (hear: Friends, Give Me Love), and Taylor Swift (hear: Begin Again, Sparks Fly, Enchanted). To my weirdest surprise, I could visualize you too when I listen to The Script (hear: No Words, Millionaires), One Republic (hear: Something I Need, If I Lose Myself, Burning Bridges) and Adele (hear: Water Under the Bridge, Make You Feel My Love, Remedy). Question: Do you even know how frustrating it is to be reminded of someone even when one just simply wants to listen and enjoy songs without feeling anything peculiar??? Wow well I guess not.

And that went on. I enjoyed spending time with you. Days with you became more fun. Stories that you now know were told with so much enthusiasm than I did with anyone else. You became so special, and I became fragile. I was vulnerable to the point that one word and I knew I’d do anything to keep your spirits up. It became a self-obligation to make you happy and help you with anything, even if it meant I’d lose a bit of myself. But all that, I did with the uncertainty of my feelings. There were days that you were merely just a friend and I always thought that there wasn’t more to what seemed to be sure. But then there came days when I felt unusually clingier; when I started thinking of saying something that will lead to a conversation like one I had years ago: a conversation about feelings and confirmations. I became caught in between the ideas of having to move away from you to avoid fully falling and of keeping myself close because I value our friendship the way I value my relationship with my high school friends (AND OH GOD AND THE REST OF THE WORLD KNOW HOW MUCH I VALUE THAT HAHA). I prefer the latter, and I guess I always will.

Just today, (and only because of a very unfortunate event that happened hahahahahahahahaha oh how unlucky can I get?), I came to the realization that it might be the lack of someone to love romantically that kind of pushed me to see you as more than a friend. As much and as hard as I tried to push the endless thoughts of falling in love with you away, I couldn’t. It stayed there and as I continued to avoid that and crash my anti-falling-in-love urge against my real feelings, I became more confused. I became more vulnerable, unsure, and more fragile. And never do I blame you.

I don’t blame you for being the person I choose to open up to. I don’t blame you for listening intently to everything I have to say: from my past heartbreaks to my future goals. I don’t blame you for caring when I’m in my most frustrated state and in need of breaking down.

But I don’t blame myself as well.

I don’t really think there exist any regrets in this confusion.

But I intend to let you go. Of course not you- you. I intend to let the thought of falling in love with you go – fully, but slowly. I can’t remain standing on an indecisive ground, watching you laugh and cry and be happy and fall in love with someone else – to which my reaction is a mixture of being very happy for you and of stings of pain that I can’t comprehend.

This, all of this, shall pass soon. I just think it’s sad that a few songs that I remember you in suddenly changed. Now I start to think of you in Miss Missing You (Fall Out Boy), Ed Sheeran’s U.N.I., Taylor Swift’s The Story of Us (or All Too Well, or Teardrops on my Guitar). Sadly, it happens, too, with The Script’s Exit Wounds (or Six Degrees of Separation), One Republic’s Come Home, and Adele’s Someone Like You (or Turning Tables, or OKAY BASICALLY EVERY HEARTBREAKING ADELE SONG).

Then again, this is just a phase. I may still be infatuated, frustrated, confused, but I still and will continue to choose to be with you. I won’t step away from this friendship that I will be forever grateful for.

Thank you for being that person who exercises my emotions. (Thank you for making me psychologically active, hahaha). Thank you for this up-down rollercoaster frustration that one day I know will bring forth a lot of happier days, once I finally confirm and finalize whatever it is I still am confused of.

Every hug will still be platonic.
Every story will still be enthusiastic.
And every I love you will remain non-romantic.

No one will fall in this relationship.
No one loses the other.

Wala nang Ken at Ysel dito.
And that is the best statement that I can tell you. At alam mo yan. HAHAHAHA.

Here’s to more beers and adventures together in this wonderful world, and in this beautiful friendship.