Saturday, July 17, 2010

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enoughto climb all the way to the top of the tree.

I want to believe I'm one of those girls at the top. That - someday - someone will care enough to take that extra step. But most of me knows the more likely truth - I'm already rotten on the ground or turned to vinegar. I wish it didn't matter so much. I wish it didn't hurt so much.

Friend, "God, I'm such a slut. I was making out with my neighbor last night, and I was like... WHAT?!"

Me, "...that's random."

Friend, "I guess. It was pretty innocent, I think we were both just missing people, y'know?"

Friday, July 9, 2010

-warning, if you cut, this is probs gonna be triggering... so don't read if you're triggered by details-

I cut tonight.

Not like the "I'm at work and upset so i'll scratch myself with a pin" kind of cutting, or the "nick the skin" kind either. I, robotically, went upstairs when I came home from hanging out with my wonderful, loving, supportive friends and said goodnight to my parents. I grabbed a razor as I passed the bathroom, split it open with my jewelry pliers, took of my pants and slashed.

It's so.... discouraging. Above anything I'm disappointed in myself. All I feel right now is guilt. I let down my friends - they all knew something was wrong tonight and they all made an effort to make me feel better. But how can you tell a room full of people - most of them don't know I have any sort of anything going on - that you're feeling extremely self-concious, hopelessly lonely and overall worthless? You can't. I can't even tell my two friends who KNOW.

And you know why? Because the source of all this rests at what I wanted out of this year. Last year around this time, I was yo-yoing between starving and binging - I loved 8hr shifts so I could fast. I had few friends to ever hang out with and they all kinda of ignored me anyways. I cut almost every week.

Then, for my senior year I made some resolutions - none of which were followed at all. It's pathetically sad, but really all I wanted this year was for some stupid BOY to notice me and to prove to me somehow that I am... worth it? Pretty? More than a walking valedictorian? Someone who can step out of that friendship barrier and not judge... I don't know. I have daddy-issues, is that why I'm so boy focused? What can a guy give me that a friend can't?

I guess, with me, and with frickin' society, it always comes down to "at least you have your looks!" Well, world, you - my parents, my parents' friends, my friends, random people off the street - have told me I'm pretty. Guess what? No boy ever has. No boy has EVER been interested in getting to know ME. No boy has ever.... anything. So, when it comes down to the lowest of the low, and I'm trying to get out of bed and walk past that mirror hanging on the door, I can't convince myself that, "at least I have my looks", cause guess what? It's not getting me anywhere now, and I'm not sure it ever will. They can't understand that because they're all in or have been in a relationship that has fulfilled them somehow. They can't understand what it's like to not only feel an unequivocally unattractive failure, but to also have absolutely nothing to counteract it.

I wanted to have scholarship, I wanted to be skinny, I wanted a better job, I wanted... blah blah blah. I didn't want to go back to where I was last year - the blacking out, the obsessions. I didn't want that (all the time...) but that's the only way...

It hurts so much to think about spending the next few weeks with family members at a beach. They're going to see my scars from the past year, there is no doubt in my mind. Guess I won't be the "perfect example" anymore, huh? Well, shit. Whoops.

I'm so lost. I can't rely on school or drama anymore. I don't have any career goal or goal for university - which I'm going to be paying for the rest of my life. My awards and recognitions seem so completely irrelevant and undeserved. I feel guilty for having them. Someone who can appreciate their friends' and their situation and their gifts should have it. Not me. Because I'm to goddamned focused on what I don't have or have never had. I know this. I am aware of it and still I do shit all.

I know in my mind I can't control it necessarily, I want to believe its the chemicals and that it's not my fault. But, really, I know it is.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I've been wanting to post about this forever, but I haven't been able to sit down and organize my thoughts until now. Not that they're organized. I'm just here now.

Starting on this one is going to be hard. I guess, the easiest thing to say is that I have no idea what's wrong anymore. I used to be insightful about my own self, my triggers and my motivations, but recently I've been confused about everything. I get manically happy (once in a blue moon) and motivated for no reason. Most of the time I'm in a haze, completely numb and complacent. I've come home after drinking and hanging out with friends (something that would usually pick me up) to contemplate cutting. I've stopped sleeping regularly, and I couldn't be bothered to study for my diploma's.

Where is that girl who swung between hate and over-achieving? Where is my ED self, the obsessive self, the self that wanted to prove perfection (even if it meant doing nothing)? What in the hell happened to her?

I had another awards ceremony yesterday - another huge award won by 69 students out of the countless thousands. All I could think was : "I don't deserve this". Because I didn't. The stuff I was nominated for, the stuff I won for, I quit months ago because I tried to live a life... not that that worked in the end.

Anyways, on top of that, recently... and I know this makes me sound crazy.... I've been daydreaming about being in an asylum. I've always had fun making up stories with characters in my head - like, since I can remember I've occupied time doing it. Characters... who have diseases, disorders, addiction etc. Projecting my own issues, I'm sure. Regardless, my most recent story is one of a girl - kinda like me - in an asylum, and how freakin wonderful it is. Anorexia, heroin and cutting are her issues (woah, analyze that).

Anyways. That combined with the general feelings of confusion recently has really set me for a whirl.

I need something to do to keep my mind off this. I'm working fulltime, but it's not enough. A new hobbie, or sport. A challenge. Or maybe I'll try the photography thing. Suggestions? How crazy am I on a 1-10 scale?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I know I only come here when I'm feeling bad. But that's because I've restructured my coping. It used to be that I blogged after binging, restricting or cutting... almost as a punishment - admitting it. I blog now when I feel like doing those things. So, it's justified, right? Does it need justification...

I'm registering for classes at university tomorrow and I'm feeling so depressed. For no reason. Is it because I'm realising now how I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life? Or because I'm beginning to get scared about next year? Or maybe I'm just feeling the effects of my graduation ceremony yesterday... Or I've finally given up.

Tonight is the first night in a while that I've just been sitting in my room thinking... I could end it, right now.

In a long while. It's kind of scary, but not at the same time. What's more scary is that the thought came to me so easily, effortlessly and without much provocation. I'm feeling really alone in the world, as per usual, but nothing else has really pushed me over. I legitimately, and, I lied, this is the scariest part... I have no idea why I'm so upset tonight.

I've stopped eating breakfast - because I've been nauseous in the mornings, sometimes skimping on lunch. I've lost 5ilbs... and I don't know why. I have to remind myself to eat - but I don't feel guilty about it, so I'm not sure how ED related it is. It's so weird. I'm confused.

I have 3 days left in my bubble. 3 days until my world bursts and I am released into semi-functional adulthood. Alone.

And, besides feeling alone (though not surprised by the fact), I feel nothing.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Though I'm not sure if this is going to help, I really really need to rant at something right now. I am sorry I worried anyone with my last post, though in truth, when re-reading, it's kind of scary to me. I've been trying to abstain from this blog simply because I know it triggers me in some way. Not in a "omg-I''m-blogging-better-go-restrict-nao!" way but in a "jesus-christ-this-is-pathetic" kind of way... and then the thought process starts and KAPOW. Here I am.

Anyways, love you guys long time (anyone who still reads this).

I'm graduating in 4 days from high school with, for the first time in my life, a group of friends that actually know me a little bit, with whom I've exchanged secrets and shared scandals. I have this flippin' gorgeous dress that I feel wonderful in and a real after-grad plan. I'm accepted into university. Everything is falling into place, and yet I feel... underwhelmed? Honestly, I don't really feel much despite the fact that I'm almost done public education and that I'm moving thousands of miles away come September. It's not the lack of excitement/sadness that's truely bugging me, I guess it's just the fact that the numbness is STILL here.

Back in March when I made the resolution to "get better" (from what or why, don't ask me), my biggest goal was not to stop hating myself or to stop obsessing over my body, but to just FEEL and try to be in the moment. So far, I've stopped obsessing... well that's not even true. I haven't really changed, it's all still there, I just deal a little better and ignore it a little more. Truly, it helps. I weigh myself and measure often, but there are not ensuing panic attacks or gym trips and, vis versa, no huge binges. But... it's so frustrating because I feel like I've made this huge effort to turn myself around emotionally and yet nothing really has changed.

Moreover, the whole "not being depressed" goal has seriously affected my marks/reputation - hilariously enough. It's hard to explain, but I think that I've come to the conclusion that ever since I was little school and grades were my way of getting attention, then in Jr High they were my way of coping with bullies (ha! I'm smarter than thou), then in High School I could either study or exercise or cut ( I love this progression ). Now, I have no reason to do homework because I'm no longer seeking my family/my teacher's /the intelligent elites' attentions - cause I have decent friends!

I can not find any motivation to do anything. My grades are PLUNGING (like 60s) and I couldn't give a rats ass. AS per usual, there is no gray area with me. I have no idea what to do because I certainly don't want 90-95-90-92-67-72 as my grades for my last year of high school. Despite that... Part of me (and this is where I go back to the whole "i'm so worthless" thought cycle) thinks I'm just plain being lazy. Part of me thinks it's justified...ish. But by saying it's justified, it means I was actually... I don't know. I'm having a hard time - even with the blog-posts and the scars to prove it - believing I was depressed/ill.

And what the hell can I do about it now? Very little. By not being depressed, I have academically screwed my grade 12 year over. Ugh. UGH!

I'm exhausted of myself. My family is killing me (my dad doesn't have my grad day off, soooo typical) and I just can't even LOOK at university stuff. Maybe I'm just scared and all of this is a ploy to justify fear. I don't know. I need to go talk to the school counselor or something. Maybe that would help.

Revitalize

About Me

I live in a perpetual grey-area. I struggle with perfectionism, EDNOS tendencies and depression. These are my ramblings, observations and desires. They are a reflection of what my real world will never know.