A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Monday, January 12, 2015

My wife informs me that some ladies in her circle of friends and acquaintances actually think Farmer Chris is cute and/or hot. It's official: I'm out of touch. At least when it comes to what women think. But please weigh in in the comments section below. Am I out to lunch? How does Farmer Boy rate out of ten on the hotness scale?

But this is my blog and it's about what I think. I'd put him somewhere between Byron the fisherman and Charlie O'Connell the actor.So let's get started. Hit the PVR, I'm ready:

We left off with one of the eliminated gals heading back in the mansion to pull Chris aside. What will happen? He already has an overstacked house with 22 women. Will he stand his ground? I hope so. And I hope he kicks out a few more for good measure.

It was Kimberley. Which one was she? No idea. Vancouver Girl doesn't like that Kim's asking to come back. She says goodbye means see you later, which translates to see you never.

Kimberley is weepy, telling Chris she didn't get a chance to talk and she feels she was meant to meet him. She can't walk away from this that easily. Chris sighs heavily and says it's difficult so he runs to Chris Harrison, the guy who pretends he calls the shots. Harrison tells him it's his life and there are no rules to that. That's some Charlie Manson personal morality right there.

Farmer Chris informs the rest that since Kimberley had the nerve to come back, he's going to keep her. They applaud. He's clearly just told everyone else to whine their way back into his good graces when things don't go their way. So now there are 23 women, or two fewer than the start of most seasons. We'll be down to 20 contestants in three or four weeks, tops.

Harrison tells them Farmer Chris is just down the way, and says there are no rules here, i.e. make sure we get some good TV by sneaking over to his place.

Chris is outside showering as the girls read the date card. That's right, he's pretend-naked. Presumably because there's no indoor plumbing in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, the date card says, "Show me your c*nt tree." Not sure what that was all about... Oh wait, it must be "you're country." Makes as much sense. Ashley the Journo says she's more Kardashian than Country. I don't know which is worse, actually.

They start things off with a pool party. Six girls and Chris. Kimberley gets the first alone time. Finally. He pretends to meet her for the first time. She seems solid. I like her.

The news producer and Megan sneak over to Chris's place. Jillian's ass and front get rectangled out. Yet she's clearly wearing a bikini bottom. Ridiculous. What could possibly warrant that? They find his motorcycle helmet and Megan puts it on and rams her head into every wall.

Meanwhile, Farmer Chris and the bikini'd six walk down the streets of downtown L.A. Nobody gets rectangled out. They arrive to some tractors, as one does if one walks far enough in downtown Los Angeles.

There's going to be a race. Babes in bikinis and tractors. "They take off like snails," says Chris. It's like he's making fun of his own life. The Kardashian wins, getting some alone time.

Back at the house, Juelia tells the others her daughter's father killed himself. She tells them she's got to tell Chris but can't do it in five minutes. She gains their sympathy. I wonder if anyone will give her their time if it comes to that.

Chris and the Kardashian are sipping champagne on a tractor. She naturally feels she has the upper hand on the rose. But he tells them all it's tough dating six girls at once so he wants to finish the date off with just one person. And that person is not the Journo Kardashian. It's Mackenzie.

(I love how Tara's occupation is sports fishing enthusiast. I wonder how much that pays.)

Mackenzie asks if he had his ear pierced. Turns out he has, but no one's noticed it before. She says she's "super observant." Earlier she asked if he'd ever been to LA before. So she's observant with a horrible memory. Then she tells him she likes big noses, and his is perfect. Meaning huge. At least that's how he hears it. Then she asks if he believes in aliens. Chris says "jury's out." All this raises a red flag for him, he says.

She says she's "super nervous" and hopes he doesn't think she's a psychopath. Then the 21-year-old tells Chris she has a kid. He said he admired that. Then he picks up the rose and gives it to her. Perhaps he thought he was reaching for a red flag. They dance and kiss. Later, when she was recounting the date to the others, she says he kissed her. And five times, at that. Then he grabbed her and kissed her at the car, too. (That'd make six if you're counting at home.)

The next frickin' date card arrives. It's for Megan. She didn't realize the card meant a date. She thought it was just a note for her. Clearly she's not over her brain injury yet.

Apparently Megan can't kiss or touch or hug on the first date. Should be fun. Let's see if she's good on her word... Nope. Farmer Boy has his hand on her knee in the car, and she's holding it. They drive to a private jet. She grabs his hand and puts it on her lap again and interlocks fingers. Then they land at a helicopter and go off somewhere else. Presumably to a train station.

They're flying over the Hoover Dam. Next thing you know, they're over the Grand Canyon. I'm getting vertigo just watching. The chopper touches down and they drink champagne. He toasts "the most beautiful eyes in North America."

She tells him her being there was a last-minute thing. Her boss told her she needed to go on The Bachelor. Three days after getting the call to go to LA, her dad had a massive heart attack and passed away. But her mom encouraged her to take the leap of faith and go on the show. Farmer Boy can definitely see a future with her. He calls her the perfect person.

Chris gives her the rose and a speech befitting of a final four. We'll see how that pans out. True to her word, there were no kisses. Thank God.

Another date card. A group one with the message, "Till death do us part." Sounds romantic! The 11 girls arrive at a haunted house or something equally fake-scary. The girls are wigging out. Something attacks the limo. Not to worry. It was just Chris. But I bet they had you going for a minute, didn't they? The women break open the whiskey and pound to calm their nerves.

Tonight they'll be "taking care of some zombies." With paintballs. Britt is amazing at paintball according to Britt.

This is great. They can't see anything and neither can we. Riveting television. But Farmer Boy thinks it's sexy seeing the women shooting zombies. Ashley S. is crazy, walking around with confidence and shooting zombies after they're already dead. As in, finally dead and on the ground. Because zombies, by definition, are already dead. So they were more dead and she kept shooting them. Not sure how appropriate this was the week after the events of the world.

Jordan's twerking upside down now. She's ridiculously drunk. Then again, she's a student. It's kinda what students do. The women are talking about Jillian's hairy ass. No, not her donkey. But how would everyone know these things? Drunk Jordan thinks Jillian needs to take a Weed Wacker to it. Ah, that explains the rectangles earlier on. Then they show Jillian, fully clothed, getting up and wagging her butt. And there's that persnickety black rectangle again even though she's wearing jeans this time. What's up, ABC? Was her butt hair poking out? On Bachelor Canada, they swear up a storm without bleeps and the U.S. version censors someone in jeans.

Ashley S. is in Ashleyland all by her lonesome. Nobody knows what's going on in her mind. She does seem a little off, and not just in an alcohol-induced way.

Farm Boy tells Vancouver Girl she's just being cool and herself and he likes that. She says she just wants to get "oot and aboot on a date, eh?" playing up the false stereotype. Farmer Boy thinks that's "pretty sexy." He kisses her, lips and hand.

Ashley's going crazy. Or crazier than she already is. She speaks like an incomprehensible Yoda, in undecipherable aphorisms. And then she doesn't understand what others are saying. She takes Farmer Boy for a walk in the dark. He asks how she's holding up. She says, "I don't even know what you're asking me."

Vancouver Girl is saying what I'm thinking: that people who watch the show think Ashley's weirdness is staged. But VG says no; Ashley's truly is cray-cray.

Britt, who seemed the most loopy early last week, is seemingly so mature and grounded tonight. Especially for a woman who hangs around Los Angeles with a sign reading "Free Hugs." Now Farmer Boy is at it. He hands her a card that says, "Free Kiss from Chris." So they go at it. Eww, gross.

Chris returns to the gang and grabs the rose. It's the tough part, he says. Who'll get the coveted rose? It goes to Vancouver Girl. A rush of hometown pride washes over me.

Now the cocktail party. Chris has to make some tough decisions. And one very easy one (cough*Ashley S*cough).

Cartoon Girl gifts Farmer Boy some whiskey. They sit by the fire and drink. She's just loosening him up for the others. That could backfire.

Hey, turns out the virgin is the Kardashian Journo. I don't think she really understands who Kardashian is. Not only is Ashley I. a virgin, but she's never had a boyfriend. She doesn't look the part, especially in her bikini and bellybutton ring. She gets him alone and tells him he has three wishes on her bellybutton ring. His first wish is a kiss but he has to rub the ring first. And guess what? It totally worked! So they go at it. Blech.

I know it's early in the season, but Chris might be the worst kisser in the history of the show. Or at least the most uncomfortable to watch. Ashley is going at it like a pro, though. All the others watch. One wonders if Ashley the Journo is full of it. How could she possibly be a virgin who's never had a boyfriend? But we know she'll be going at least as far as the fantasy suite thanks to Harrison's spoiler last week.

Amber tells Chris she wants to kiss him so hard. So they do it, but it's pretty quick. I could even watch that. Jordan is drunk again and jealous. She decides she's got to go in for the kill. As in, killing her chances.

She sits with Chris and talks herself out of it. Audibly. Talked herself out of a rose, too, I bet.

Here are the roses. Three already have roses: Megan, Mama Mackenzie and Vancouver Girl:

Britt. Solid choice.

The Sexy Virgin.

Trina, the special ed teacher

Kelsey

Samantha

Juelia. Jillian thinks it's her and steps forward and slips on the rug. Or maybe her butt hair.