If we used the same excuses at work as famous Chicago athletes we'd sound insane

Chicago has a long history of strange sports injuries. From Carlos Zambrano taking some time off for "excessive computer use" to Corey Crawford breaking his foot after tumbling down a set of stairs at a Rise Against concert, it sometimes feels like the sports gods really, really hate Chicago. But if you were to pull some of the excuses that Chicago's athletes use at your average ol' nine-to-five, you'd sound like a complete lunatic.

Here are seven examples.

Date: Monday, May 17, 2004

Athlete: Sammy Sosa, Chicago Cubs

Injury: “Aggressive sneeze”

Result: Strained lower back

You’d think with all the PEDs Slammin’ Sammy was taking his body would be able to withstand the force of a violent sneeze. I get it, though. The year before your team was five outs away from its first World Series appearance in almost 60 years, you might as well take a few days off early in the season to drink Pepsi, eat McDonald's and dye your skin a different shade.

Date: Saturday, May 14, 2005

Athlete: Carlos Zambrano, Chicago Cubs

Injury: “Excessive computer use”

Result: Right elbow soreness

I hate when my arm is sore after sitting at the computer for too long.

Date: Monday, March 10, 2008

Athlete: Felix Pie, Chicago Cubs

Injury: “Twisted testicle”

Result: …

Thoughts and prayers my man, T’s and P’s.

Date: Monday, December 8, 2008

Athlete: Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

Injury: “Slicing an apple”

Result: Arm laceration

To be honest, when I heard this happened during Derrick’s rookie season—a period where it's been well-documented that he survived solely on Skittles and Giordano's—I was just happy to hear he was eating an apple. But really, by the time you make it to the NBA, shouldn’t you have somebody slicing your fruit for you?

Date: Monday, October 4, 2010

Athlete: Carlos Boozer, Chicago Bulls

Injury: “Tripped over a gym bag”

Result: Broken pinkie

When you’re 6’9", 250 pounds and your entire career consists of taking fadeaway jump shots and yelling as you don’t jump for rebounds, it’s no surprise that Boozer isn’t as nimble on his feet as people thought he was.

Date: Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Athlete: Corey Crawford, Chicago Blackhawks

Injury: “Falling down stairs at a Rise Against concert”

Result: Broken foot

This one makes sense. As a goalie you practice three things: crouching, kneeling and doing the splits. Nobody told Crow that he had to be good at walking down a set of stairs. If I was a professional athlete, I would make sure there was a stair lift on every staircase I went up or down. I mean, why risk it?

Date: Monday, February 8, 2016

Athlete: Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

Injury: “General soreness”

Result: The Bulls are an unmitigated disaster

Who can blame the former MVP and now injury-prone basket case of a point guard? This team is going nowhere fast, and how is he supposed to walk at this son’s graduation if he’s sore 10 years beforehand? And he's not even sore in any particular area, sore in just the general sense of the word.

John Hickey is a stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. He can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. Check out his work at johnhickeycomedy.com and follow him on Twitter @johnnyjhickey.