Monday, December 22, 2008

I have been really lazy about blogging even though I constantly think that a lot of stuff is blog worthy.

First I just want to say, Iphone update SUCKS big time. I understand it is a delicate piece of equipment so the software is probably complicated when it comes down to firmware upgrades. But over 1 hour backup? I think I can probably back up a stupid PC with that much time and yet I am only backing up a stupid phone. Is it an oversight or apple was just completely oblivious about it since they know that we are all their bitches now.

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I went to XIV restaurant in West Hollywood 2 weeks ago treating a friend for her bday. It was such a nice experience. The restaurant was incredibly unique and I love the tasting portion of every dish. I got extremely stuffed before I even finished my 14 dishes meal. The crowd was MUCH better than some other supposedly high end restaurants. There was a lot of professionals and it definitely felt more upscale. Overall the food was still the most impressive part of it all. I highly recommend!

But the highlight of the night was our waiter. (rishi, I know he is a waiter... I mean not everyone like you who only dates lawyers and above)...His name was J and he was sooo very cute and friendly. My friend and I kept talking about him throughout our conversation. Of course, we started to talk to him more and more as well. Conversation went from what was in my dish to how much he works and how well he knows the surrounding area etc... I kinda had a crush.

So my friend said I should get his number. I was like, are you kidding, just getting a number from a waiter because I think he is cute, that is so cliche and outdated. He will definitely think that it is extremely lame. Then my friend said, omg if you keep being this chicken and passive, then prepare to jerk off till you die. Ok she wasn't that mean, she said something along the "die alone" line which wasn't nice either. Then she said, you know what, I will just get it for you, you are so annoying when you are this shy. I was like omg don't do it, what if he was just being nice and not interested at all, that would be so embarrassing. Then she said so what? Then fuck him. Well i have to give her props. She is always going after things that she desires and has never been apologetic about it either. Sometimes, I think it is just a bit too much because she would do it at anyone's expense. But sometimes I wish I could live like her.

So I have decided that I would just do it as a subplot of our already great evening.

When he came around again, I asked him something that I do not recall anymore; apparently it was just a filler before my request. Then I said oh can I have your business card so next time when we come we can sit at your table again.

He said, oh... actually I am leaving XIV soon, because he has decided going to Katsuya which is owned by the same group. I was a bit disappointed at that moment thinking oh well whatever. So I kept the conversation going a little bit about his departure. Toward the end, he said, you know what, let me give you my card, so you can find me next time. Then he handed his personal card to me, which included his name, personal phone number and address.

I was very surprised by it and was definitely happy about this turn of event.

After I went home I texted him saying "Oh I forgot to introduce myself, my name is ... and thank you for the great experiences."

He texted me back about 3 hours later saying "My pleasure, it was nice meeting you, and hopefully I will see you soon again :p"

At this point, I think he might be interested or just being really nice. I wasn't sure.

Second day, I found him on facebook. I know it is a bit stalkerish, but it was my friend's idea and I was just too weak for the temptation. I found him and his profile was public as well. I saw some more pictures of his and he was really charming in all of them. Then I found out that he is also the same age as I am, a little bit older which is perfect as well.

As I was adding him, I noticed that he already celebrated his last day @ XIV and was ready to move on. So I sent him a message on facebook saying that I was surprised he left so soon. He then messaged back saying that it was sad it was sooner than later but he is enjoying his free time right now. And I know where I can find him and he hopes it'd be soon ;P.

At this point, I am fairly sure that he is interested, and I was totally excited about it.

But given the lack of experience of dating first then fucking, I sent him a message saying that I too would like to see him soon. This particular message got slaughtered by all my coworkers. They thought I made myself way too available and what I should have done was to keep the mystery.

I guess I do have an IQ of a snail when it comes to dating. But why play the dating game if you like each other? Why not just a date and see what kind of chemistry happens then. My coworkers told me to wait at least 3 days (yeap the stupid 3 days rule) and do not talk to him at all. I had to defer my opinion on this since they are all freaking married. So I waited for two days and thought this was stupid. So on the second night, feeling good about the whole day and everything, had the courage to just text him. Trying to appear to be kinda care free but interested, I stupidly said "hey, are you still up?" ... omg I am such snail. Why didn't I just say how is your day, what are you doing etc etc like a normal human being...

Two days passed and I haven't got a reply and I was completely devastated. I know, I am a very fragile being. I got quite depressed. I felt stupid that I read so much into it when he was just being nice. He probably wanted to keep a potential long term dinner client and possibly makes a friend and all of suddenly I am all up in arms about to eat him. There is a lot of other things happening during that 3 days and I was just in this very bad mood everyday. For example, checking out some other gay people's facebook who I used to talk, and realized that they are all doing much better in this land of gays in terms of social lives than I do despite the fact that they all came out later. What does it take? Do I HAVE to live in West Hollywood like them to really get into it? I really don't think it is the case but I don't know. I was so frustrated. It was pretty miserable. By the 3rd day there was no reply to my stupid text message. I was ready to give up.

I mean I already was getting over it somewhat. I mean we met for 2 hours that was it... I would be stupid to make myself inside out just by this brief encounter. However, being so dissatisfied with this outcome, I wasn't just ready to let it end like this. He is very cute after all. Making a friend wouldn't be bad. I need some gays to party with too.

So I retreated to facebook. I send him another message. This time just being a normal human being asked him, hi how are you doing lately, have you started working yet? Hope all is well.

2 days passed no reply and I was pretty over it.

Went out clubbing on Saturday with straight friends and chain smoked the whole night. Got home @ 4 am and played video game till 730am. Waking up feeling refreshed and I wasn't that depressed anymore.

Checking facebook, there was the message from him, "Hey how are you? yeah I have just started @ ____ and I really like it. Ready for your holidays?"

I haven't replied him yet. I dont know what to say. I am already over it kinda. But I guess being in this phase, I would sound much more normal, you know, instead of being a 14 year old little girl who just saw prince charming or something. But at least one thing I know, he just wants to be a friend, which is ok, but in that case, the whole thing is kinda dispensable at this point now.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.

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I think I am bipolar, just a little bit. That is why I am always trying not to be too happy because I feel as if at the peak of happiness, I would simply crash and burn into an emotional abyss. Today is one of those days.

Lately I have been extremely unsatisfied with my job. It is not where I want my career to be. I am yet swarmed by the mundane things everyday. I have been doing what the senior analyst does most of the time with the junior analyst pay. In the beginning I was excited because I could see things from a different perspective and I could sense that I might learn much more and have a better idea of what this business is all about. I thought I would finally get something really valuable out of it. It was a new start. However, after one quarter of doing it, I realized that nothing has really changed. I am more of a mess cleaner. Instead of doing the work from scratch, I am just cleaning up the mess that bunch new hires are making. I can tell some of them just don't give a shit as well, they probably hate the job, so the their work is always like diarrhea in a toilet bowl. No matter how hard I try, I am bound to miss a shit spot. I asked my manager to help with another group that involves a totally different aspect of the business and yet he continues to give those work to the newer hires since we are short on the review process. So now they just shit all over in that group too. People in that group always complains to me how badly the work quality is. But what can we do, the entire environment doesn't promote competition and doesn't reward competition fairly anyway.

I don't know I am just very confused about what is about to happen.

In addition, stock market has taken another nose dive. I never thought the big 3 auto maker would have made such a dent on my investment. But stupid me right? Who knew these CEOs would take their extremely luxurious private jet to Washington D.C. and then beg for money. Now whose fault is this. It is a mess that has become a vicious circle which will not be defeated unless you implement policy that would be equivalent to a bone marrow transplant procedure to the entire auto industry in the U.S.

Then we had a 2 hours training in the afternoon. I actually liked the training because it was meaningful and interesting. I felt my brain was breaking the rust during the training process. I felt a bit more alive. But the AC was extremely cold and my ice coffee just made me feel like I was getting sick. I did feel awful toward the end of the day.

However, I was determined to workout today. So it went, a grueling leg workout that put me in a complete physical shock. During my leg workout, I felt pain on my ring finger. This finger is a bad finger. When I was 9, a friend of mom's accidentally discovered that I had a lump on that finger. So we checked it and it was said to be a bone cluster, nothing big, but we should keep an eye on it in case it becomes a tumor and turn into cancer. Thinking back, I probably should have taken their conclusion with grain of salt since those doctors in my hometown, especially back in the days, were mostly idiots. They would do anything to get patients to have a surgery so they could get a lot of profit out of it. However, as cynical as I am, this finger has been perpetually haunting me since then. I always felt that it would turn into cancer (I have bad luck with disease, I actually have a pretty bad one right now, I meant to write about it but always pushed it off). So today after the pain on that finger, I touched it. The lump was clearly bigger and the position of it was in the middle section of the finger. It felt so big. Of course I immediately had a cancer scare. But I kept going with my routine and felt dead afterward.

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend after the gym but she bailed on me. So I went home feeling really sad, worried and alone. Considering I was laughing my ass off during lunch, what a huge difference it has been in 5 hours!

Then I saw the video. It made me cry. I couldn't control my tears. I wasn't hysterical or sad. I just felt touched. It was like a warm hearty soup in a cold winter night. It made me feel like today was Christmas. I felt that people still do care. I cried for a bit, then felt much better.

I think I will call the USC cancer center tomorrow. I already have a patient card from there - two years ago I went in to check my balls for cancer because I felt a couple of lumps on it. I think the ball checking was legit but no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, I will check my finger. Oh yeah I will have to schedule a HIV test as well. I let a guy slide his giant cock in my ass for like 5 seconds in my gym, stupid indeed. Wouldn't this be the saddest way to get infected? It wasn't even full on sex.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Well due to the current economic crisis, I felt the need to support our economy at this grassroot level, so I went shopping. Well... it was more like impulse shopping that in turn supported our economy. It is my biggest one day purchase so far and I am not regretting it!

I bought a pair of Rock and Republic jeans, perfect fit!

A John Varvato fit polo, it was also a perfect fit, unfortunately, I cannot find a picture to post =/. But the polo is very thin, and it uses fine material. It is a combination of wool and cotton and I had to be really careful when I tried it on because the make of the shirt was so thin that I felt I could break it anytime.

A Mango v-neck Tee. This one was the cheapest item. It is a simple purple v-neck tee with a "HE HE" in a thought bubble near my chest area. The "HE HE" print is pretty unique. One of the HE stacks on top of another, so it could be read as "hehe" like a light laugh, or in my own dirty mind refers to that I AM FUCKING GAY WITH A PURPLE TEE on. I think that is pretty hot. Especially they do not align perfectly vertically, so it is like two HE are having doggie sex. Ok I think I am just a bit crazy on the sexual imagination part...

Shamefully, I don't even remember what my 4th item is. I mean it is really not my fault because I don't even have the shirt with me yet. I think it was a Juicy Coutour deep vneck T. It is not just a plain V neck. The V shaped opening is very narrow with visible buttons on the side so it is pretty stylish. It is thin, comfortable and fit. And the best part is that I could pre-purchase this for a Bloomingdale 7 days "friends and family" sale for a 20% discount! So I am gonna go pick it up this Saturday ha ha.

Finally, my joy and love and totally unplanned purchase (not like other 4 were planned but this one is way out of the ballpark), was a Burberry double breast pea coat. I bled 1.5k for it XD. It is 43% wool and 57% cotton. It is pure black and at size 38 it is like tailored just for me. I tried it on several times and completely fell in love with it. My decision of buying the coat made the sales lady having an sale orgasm. She kept selling it to me while I was paying saying what a fantastic purchase it was etc etc. I mean I already paying for it, so the extra compliment just felt a bit forced. But she was nice since the very beginning, no attitude, no prejudice so I just thought it was cute of her doing that. She was definitely more responsive to all my other demands as well loool. On the contrary, my friend and I had a horrible time in the Gucci store and sadly the only salesperson who gave us the cold shoulder was this fugly Asian lady. God Asians against Asians, what is new? As soon as my friend asked when there would be a sale, she turned her plastic smile into an even faker smile that I didn't think was achievable by human beings and then left us unattended almost immediately. I mean bitch please, if I were a Dlist celebrity you would probably be on your knees right now. The economy is bad and even the stars are scaling back. You should be happy that you are still working there. I should totally have complained to the manager. I mean we did complain and realized we complained to the wrong audience - another salesperson can't do too much to another salesperson lol... but after complaining we lost our steam so we just left... ANYWAYS... wow talking about off topic...

I couldn't find the model of the coat on burberry.com either. Not sure it is one of their older designs or just aren't sold online. So I took a picture of myself wearing it in the bathroom XD... I am loving it, what do you think?

It is going to be 95 degrees this weekend. At this rate I can probably utilize it twice this winter yipppy....

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It was such a long shopping day, we walked around for more than 4 hours. I have to say though, it was really fun, not only because I bought some good stuff but also because my cousin, my friend and I had a good time just talking and relaxing at the South Coast Plaza. They already have a Christmas tree up! This picture is taken on the second floor, you see how tall that thing is? Isn't it pretty!

Then my friend (above) and I later met up with some of her gay friends who came from New York at the Abbeys. Then met up with one of her gay coworker who is pretty cute at Heat Lounge or something like that. It got too crowded and hot so we left there and went to Here Bar and danced our ass off. It was so much fun but we were way too spent. I mean shopping then straight out and drinking and partying was a bit much for one day.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Wow, what a night. In my 10 years of American journey, I have yet called 911 for anything. Well I popped my 911 cherry Friday night.

My cousin and I have been going to this Hookah Cafe in Pasadena every week for the past 2 months. We always go there for some tea and food, and catch up. She enjoys it and I enjoy it and the conversation has always been so relaxed while we are smoking. I have always commented on her ability to smoke for such a long time.

But I guess good quality charcoal and hookah weren't such a good mix. Since the charcoal doesn't burn too much and doesn't produce too much ashes, the tobacco doesn't really burn out either. So we can usually smoke it as much as we want. We probably shouldn't have because toward the end the flavor and substance are already burned out... But we kept puffing and the carbon-dioxide has increased in a dangerous level toward the end.

I mean Hookah always relaxes people and sometimes people do feel light headed, so when she said she was getting dizzy she was just simply refer to that. She didn't complain, rather she was just laughing and mentioned it.

The dramatic scene started as soon as we stood up. She said she was really dizzy and grabbed on to my arms. We were both laughing and I said she was weak. But then she wasn't making any attempt to move. Instead her eyes started to wander around without a focus. I was getting a bit nervous. I told her to look at me and try not to lose her focus on me, and at the same time take deep breath to get in the oxygen. She tried but it didn't seem to improve the situation. She started to shiver a bit and held on to me even tighter. I felt that she leaned on me more by the minute, then suddenly she started to slip.

I dragged her to a bench nearby because apparently her slipping wasn't going to stop. We missed the bench by half of the step and she went completely limp half way on the bench. I called for help and started to dial 911 myself as well. Half of the people from the cafe walked out and one of the lady said we needed to do some mouth to mouth. So I started to breath into her. At that point, I didn't know how serious this could be, I truly believed that this wasn't going to be life threatening but at the same time my mind is screaming to me "omfg you got your cousin killed within 2 months!"

But as soon as I breathed into her, I could feel that she exhaled deeply. It wasn't the limp expulsion from someone who is already in a state of shock. Rather, it had a bit of her own effort. She apparently had trouble to have a more normal breathing pattern but it was easier for her to exhale. Every time I breathed into her, she made that deep exhale, as if to signal me that it was ok. Operative was on the line with me but I was pretty sure she was ok now and I told the officer that it was ok now.

People brought sugar water and they were all surrounding us and encouraging me. All of sudden, like a scene from the Pushing Daisy promotional TV ad, she just had a gigantic inhale and stood up straight. She could talk and respond as if nothing happened. Phased by the experience, but fully aware of the situation, she calmed and everyone down by telling them that she was completely ok. The waitress asked us if we smoked anything before this and we told them no. Anther waiter told us that he already called 911 as they were required to do so. So we had to sit there for the paramedics to get here. About 1 minute later we could hear the blaring siren. One paramedic truck and one fire truck stopped near the cafe and 7 guys jumped out. They asked us some simple questions and tested her blood pressure. Once they were confident that everything was ok, they just left.

Everything happened so fast and ended even faster that once we both sat in the car, we were both feeling like we just came back from the twilight zone. Did that really just happen to us? How dramatic!

Well... we came to the conclusion that next time we should just stay there for 1 hour instead of the 2.5 hours as usual.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now. I knew him back at school. We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much. Small world, he landed a job in my department. We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese.

From conversation to conversation, I can sense a little bit of that juvenile verbal gay bash, such as oh that is so gay, etc. It is to my dismay, but I am not going to make a big fuzz about it. However, if he uses faggot, I would probably sulk him. Ok maybe not that violent but something close.

We had our discussion regarding Prop 8. on Thursday last week. The topic came up rather randomly. We were just talking about random things at lunch. I mean I actually subconsciously avoided this subject because I really liked this guy as a friend at work. He is down to earth, very goofy, and have similar sense of humor. He is also traditional and not crazy on the party scenes. (I know it is weird, despite what I do on my own, I always find people who don't party much very attractive). I enjoyed the company. So I know if I asked, the answer would be disappointing. However, it is definitely beyond my power to control his actions.

As our conversation went on, out of no where, he said,

"I am gonna vote yes on prop 8."

My heart sank a bit. I mean I already expect this, but to see a person exercise discrimination in front of me, against me unknowingly, is quite unexpectedly disturbing. I felt so wronged. What have I done to you? But I held my cool and asked him why.

He listed about 2 things that were prominent Yes on Prop 8 talking point. One it is against tradition - why did tradition become synonymous with bigotry anyway, two he doesn't want the schools to be forced to teach about homosexuality.

From there I didn't really let him talk too much. Instead I started to ask him a series of questions regarding where these feelings and opinions came from, and what were his reasonings to believe such false advertisement. He couldn't give me any solid answers. He often muddled I don't know in his goofy ways. However, his goofy ways were just that, very goofy and stupid, not cute at all.

I told him that marriage, in English, the word has a strong sense religion is because how the western countries adopted Christianity and associated this union closely with their religion despite the fact that the religion itself is a very young belief in regard to human history. However, marriage itself is an institution between two people, and it has nothing to do with religion. There are billions of people in the world and they all get married in one way or another. They choose to form that institution as they wish and it is no one else's business to tell them what they can or cannot do. Even more so, to define one's marriage as valid or invalid based on one young religious belief.

As the education scam, I told him that schools were independent regarding education on marriages, straight or gay. It is the teachers' limited discretion and parents have plenty influence, so that talking point from Yes on 8 is just a political gimmick to distract voters. They school weren't required to educate the students in this matter, and why would you want to prevent this if it is not going to happen in the future.

He later then said something that made me very mad, which was gays want to get married for tax benefit. I lost it a bit and started to almost scream a little. But I was trying to make a sound argument so the screaming was definitely gonna belittle my effort, so I tried once again to keep my cool. I told him that in America alone, there would be roughly 30+ million gays, lesbian, and transgender. In China alone, there would be enough gays to trump entire American population. Yet these people would just want to get married for some petty tax benefit. In case you didn't know, the second class marriage license, the civil union already promised almost all the rights. Why do these people still try so hard to just get that benefit? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe that people probably want to get married because they love each other?

I also told him that the professor he worshipped back at USC, the philosophy teacher Dr. Willard taught us a lot about critical thinking. The key to every issue is to think from different angles and to think for yourself. I asked him why does he still keep such an unfound fear and discriminative approach to this issue. There was no answer.

I said that how he often tells me that his dad came here 40 years ago with a few bucks on him and now he is a rocket scientist working for NASA. I said that this is why he came to America because there is dream opportunity and most importantly equality, or at least the hope to be treated equally. He had his chance and because of what this country is founded on, and how this country was founded, he was a success. He probably could never have done the same in another country on earth during his years. Now he is wealthy and have you in the country and I am pretty sure that was the sole reason for him to move here with just a few bucks on him, because he wanted his next generation to have a better start. Now you have every opportunity that he didn't have, with such expensive education, all you could think of in this election full of change and hope, is to discriminate against another group of minority when yourself is a member of a group of minority? He didn't say anything

I felt that he was at least thinking and I wish he would do the right thing on Nov. 4th.

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Today I asked him how he voted and he said he voted yes. The following text message took place, and the such horrid and yet deep discrimination from this young 22 year old man was shocking to me. He was once educated side by side with me, he is living in California, the bluest state, and he has access to information, yet he refuses to see it all and held on to the talking points from the bigots and established his argument on fear.

Me, (thanks to iphone for the essay length capability of texting)

"I seriously do't know WTF is wrong with you, the self righteous people. I don't know when it has become ok that you can tell others what they could do with their lives. You often mention how your race was massacred by the Turks, then you should know about oppression, your dad is an immigrant, ask him, he knows discrimination, and now you think you have the position to discriminate against others it is beyond me. Thanks for taking my rights away, I hope you are really happy now that we are second class citizen like how the blacks were decades ago. Oh yeah I am sooo disappointed by my tax disadvantage now, after all that is why we try to get married for. You douchebag."

He later came by my desk. It was awkward, and he was nervous. He said,

"oh man, someone is bitter huh hehe hehe..."

I was texting to JD, (you know who you are when u read this!), and I slowly looked up, said,

"You know what, I really have nothing to say to you at this point, I really don't want to talk to you anymore. Thanks for taking the rights away."

"Oh com'on! it is no big deal."

That just also knocked me out,

"What did you say? no big deal? after you become part of this shit, you have the nerve to come here and tell me I am over sensitive and it is no big deal?

"come on, it is ok."

He just stood there not leaving and I tried to finish the text and I couldn't.

"I cannot believe how you worship that philosophy teacher and talk about him all the time, yet you learned nothing from him."

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting,

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting.

"tell me what teacher~~"

He was doing that thing when a 10 year old did something bad, you know rocking side by side, and I looked up his face is blaring red.

"That Willard guy, you know what, forget, I really have nothing to say to you, can you just go I probably talk to you later, I want to finish my text."

"Just like that."

"Just like that."

He walked away.

-----

I cooled down and thought about it, maybe he didn't realize that I was gay? Is that why he said it is no big deal? I honestly could have just stopped there, but I feel it is everyone's obligation to make this issue seen. Silence = Death.

I texted the following,

"I hope you read what I wrote carefully, then you would notice that I am passionate and serous about this is because I am gay. It is not my choice, I won't apologize about who I am and I demand every god damn right that this country has promised. It is my right as simple as that, that is all."

He later texted me something that is TRULY a PIECE OF WORK. It was disturbing and I was SO disappointed in this guy. He had that innocent juvenile charm, and I thought he was clueless. I mean you can be only so angry at someone who is stupid right? But instead, he apparently qualifies to work on Yes on 8 campaign.

"I have no say in gay marriage, I believe everyone is free to marry anyone. this measure went beyond that into educational institutions. I oppose that. Children should not be naively swayed away from an opportunity marry and reproduce as the human race is intended to. This measure is not about discrimination. I oppose any discriminatory idea. Gays have every right as non gays. When this gay marriage enters school teaching, it practically discriminate non gays and the purpose of the human race as a whole."

So I was flaming, and texted something fast and later when I read it was a bit incoherent toward the end.

"And that is exactly what didn't happen in the schools. The only way they can make it pass is to lie about it. Public school board and school superintended had denounced prop 8 because school is never required to teach anything about gay or straight marriage. Catholic and Christians have historically been against abortion and sex education, and ye they are proven to be healthy and beneficial to the society as a whole. More importantly you apparently didn't read the prop and still use their talking point. Before prop8 there was no measure to force any education regarding homosexuality, now they made the measure to prevent this; but their true intent as evident as the yes on prop 8 leaders have reiterated over and over is that they have to protect traditional marriage. It is a REVISION of our constitution to specifically say marriage is between one man and one woman, thus no gays can get married, EVER. I like how they throw in some fake political cloud and all of sudden people will just fall for it. And further, homosexuality is not fucking taught, I grew up in a hetero environment, teaching about something natural, i don't see how that is so threatening. It is so sad to see people are so ignorant. Ironic that decades ago black veterans would be refused by white cab drivers when they come back from war and deemed acceptable, decades later, bigots just replaced one minority with another to bully with. Are we really changing or just recycling hate?"

No more texts after that. I saw him two more times and gave him the dirtiest look I think I could achieve.

I really liked him, but who knew, humans can be so divided over something that was supposed to be a non issue.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

This is beyond upsetting. I am actually stunned and confused as the bluest state California, with such a gay friendly environment and a large gay population, has passed this heinous bill. To add to the injury, gay rights related bills all suffered defeats throughout this country this Nov. 4th when we have broken all barriers to elect a minority President. This is an incredible defeat and has forged great obstacles that may take generations to overcome.

I could understand why the bigots are fanatic about this issue since their morality has been tainted by organized religion. But what I cannot understand is those who are not as religious voted for it or simply didn't vote. I am always amazed by how damaging early religious education can be. I have talked to so many people who are not religious yet they just think gay marriage is not right. When confronted, not only they cannot provide an answer that would satisfy their own conscious, but they also feebly try to avoid saying that because they were taught so by the very religion that they now despite. It is this kind of hypocricy and selective memories that I believe the gay rights movement should target as well. Is American as a people much more religiously rooted than we thought or is it a manifestation that religion activity has penetrated this country politics like never before. The Yes on Prop 8 people loved the turn out for Barack Obama because older black households are even more conservative which helped with their cause. It is incredibly sad to see this considering the history.

I am empathetic to those who have worked long and hard for this measure and other gay issues in general. But it is beyond my comprehension how frustrating and despairing it is for them. It is like after 8 years of Bush, we elect Rudy Guilliani for Presidency.

I like how Towleroad.com has cunningly pointed out that our beloved state, California has denied human rights to marry but passed the bills for farm animals to move around. See humans are always cruel toward each other. It sounds cynical but I think it is a genetic makeup in human to make sure that humans check its own population.

On the other hand, if anything, this election cycle has shown us that as long as there is hope, there will be change. I cannot help but to think about Harvey Milk and Barack Obama and just to remind myself we cannot give up because those who permeate prejudice and bigotry in our society have not given up.

It is frustrating nevertheless... I guess we have to keep fight and just wait. The battle would be somewhat easier once all these bigots from the baby boomer ages just DIE from their natural causes or accidents. It is a bit more comforting to know that when they do die, and with their last sliver of consciousness, they will suddenly realize that there is nothing beyond death. I guess nature would have the last laugh.

Quote from the notorious Margrette Cho,

"I wish Jesus can come back and just tell them, 'that is not what I meant!' "

Monday, November 03, 2008

I can't sleep again. It is 1130pm and my flight back to LA is at 6:00am.

I couldn't recall the logic of choosing such bad traveling schedule and now I feel particularly bad since S and his dad have decided to drive me to the airport. I would actually prefer to take a cab since I personally would hate it if I had to wake up @ 4am in the morning to send someone to the airport, even though it is only 20 minutes away. I guess everything in life deserves a bit more consideration then it's be less likely you may regret down the road.

Alegria was fun but I got burned out. Like I said in my last post, I only slept 2 hours after 8 hours of all night partying, so that tiny bit amount energy saved up could only last so long.

We got ready around 11:30pm because S's friend B said he could take us to a hotel to meet up his friends from Chicago first then we could all head out to the party together. However, while we were outside waiting, S got a call from B and was told that B has passed the exit by 10 miles. S said B had a lot of things on his mind so he was probably distracted. Since we were all ready, you know, dressed up, hair done, etc... we couldn't just go back home and sit there till 2 am, so S decided to visit his friend in the city first then we three can go to the party together. We did some chest workout till the cab arrived.

10 mins later we arrived at his friend H's place. H is a Japanese American who does his own furniture design business. He lives in this tiny studio which is worth a 3000 sq. ft. condo in a decent LA neighborhood. H is very calm and easy to talk to. I felt at ease chilling at his place. He was overwhelmed by one of his projects but was determined to finish it. So we waited till 2am and then headed to the party altogether. Meanwhile, I watched Law and Order and S was texting.

At this point, I already felt that my energy started to slowly slip away. But I was really excited to check out this party so I didn't care.

The venue was smaller and a little bit less crowded. Overall the party was pretty much exactly the same as the night before, and I have even saw some of the exact same people from the night before as well. Age group also didn't really change much. Actually I think I saw more older men there than Salem party. I don't know if it is because I have seen too much muscle so that I have become less aware of them, I also felt there were less muscular guys tonight as well. I started to dance with S and friends and later walked around here and there.

I don't know... it was still a thrill and rush to be there but I felt less engaged and there was no substance around to consume so I felt more sober than ever. The blaring music and trembling bass weren't enough to keep me going for that long...

Around 6 o'clock I was dead. As a matter of fact, I was so tired that I think I fell asleep with my eyes open. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar. You know when your brain is still conscious of movement but your cognitive function is already in a slumber.

S's friend B is completely wasted on drugs with his Chicago friends for hours and one of the guys in B's group has semi- OD'ed on something.

I have never felt completely at ease around B. I don't think he liked me for some reason. There was no chemistry for interaction or conversation whatsoever. Our greeting has always been as brief as a hi and bye. I told S about it just for the curiosity of it. But S said B has a lot of on his mind lately and that is why he wasn't making any effort. But still as you all know from your own experience, when you are around someone that you just don't get the good vibe, you are just generally more tense and annoyed.

So basically, I just stood upstairs staring down at the crowd after 6am. It was more of a people watching experience then. I couldn't take my eyes off one of the super tall and muscular guys downstairs. Every inch of the muscle fiber on him was so vibrant and robust that they seemed to be separate entities attached to his body. He couldn't stop moving, I mean why would he, it took years to build that marvel, he's got to show it to the world. He was making all these poses, consciously or subconsciously but every pose was beautiful and he looked powerful and masculine from every angle. For me, this is a big part of what being gay is about. It is the attraction and submission to that masculine superiority of physical form and symbolism of power associated with it. I thought to myself, how come I didn't notice him downstairs. He moved and moved and suddenly he looked up and I saw his face. I of course have noticed him downstairs, I thought he was really aged. To be fair I think he is probably in his late 30s or early 40s, which is not really old by all accounts in today's society for a man. I think they are usually really sexy. But for some reason, it is either the light or the drugs or simply late night physical strain, some of them, people in their late 30s and early 40s just look so old. They look so alert, so energized and yet so tired. It is an odd facial expression. It has a bit of that deers in the headlight feeling to it.

I didn't see too many people that are smoking hot. There were about 3-4 that were really memorable and of course I didn't get to dance or talk to any of them. I feel that people who I found extremely attractive are usually out of my league and the rest I just ignore. That is my verdict to the crowd and I don't know what that says about me.

At that point I just wanted to sleep. I think the hardest hour was from 8am to 840am. That 40 minutes felt like forever. I felt bad to pressure S to leave because he wasn't too tired and wanted to keep dancing. i don't think B wanted to leave either. In retrospective, I should have just take a cab. But then I think that would be rude to S too. But eventually, we walked out the club @ 9 am and I felt like a zombie under sunlight. I brought my sunglasses this time because the sunlight was so blinding yesterday when I walked out Salem party. However, I think it rained before we walked out, so there was no sun and it was a bit wet and cold, quite a somber scene. I soon fell asleep in the car...

I heard S say " he didn't sleep and he is tired. " My mind raced back to reality. Who didn't sleep, who is tired, that sounds like me, then I woke up and the car has parked in front of S's house already.

Showered, changed, and passed out for 8 hours. Then woke to eat and watched some TV. It now feels like a complete vacation.

Now it is 1230am and I will have to get up in 3 and half hours. Maybe I will just pull another all nighter then hehe.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

I am at a friend's house in NY right now. It is 5:30pm and I have slept for about 2 and half hours since I came back here from my first circuit party @ 1pm. It was sponsored by Saint at Large and the name of the party was Salem. My friend S told me that this party tailors to a somewhat older crowd so I should expect to see some older guys and some muscle bears etc. It turned out to be exactly that but it wasn't overwhelming, many many hot guys to spare, though there were people who I thought were too old to be in a party like this. However, I guess that is the beauty of it, it is ageless, non-judgemental, and anything goes kinda fun times. Right now I am not really feeling tired. But my body knows better... I think I really should sleep more but I just can't.

I didn't know what to expect in a circuit party. Party as such has a lot of crazy rep. Not necessarily bad, though that also depends on how you define what is good and bad. I don't listen to House music and I am not keen on drugs, so I don't know if the this combination is fused as always in circuit parties or if I could just somehow enjoy the experience without taking substance.

Well, it just somehow worked out. I loved the music and I also took Ecstasy. Neither was overwhelming. It was probably louder than all the clubs I have been to, but very manageable and everyone was just dancing so it forged such a strong and welcoming environment that it was almost impossible that you don't enjoy it.

My friend and the host of my trip, S is someone who sincerely loves the music. He lives through the scene, engaged but not consumed. So the whole night he was dancing and checking out the guys but didn't really engage in any hook up activities. I wasn't sure if it was because the guys weren't his type, or because of my presence that he didn't feel like to leave me alone. His friend B started rolling on substances soon after we got there, and later I found out that he met a lot of his guys from the past in the party and it was a game of dodging and engaging for him the whole night. And then there was this really energetic Peruvian guy named A and he was a friend of S. He was really friendly. I danced with him quite a bit. Sometimes all over the places and sometimes quite up close body to body. It was all good fun, nothing too sexual. I like tall guys, and if he were 6'1" and above I wouldn't mind hooking up with him, but I think he is around 5'7", quite a difference. I enjoyed his company nevertheless. There was also this twinky white guy who I talked to in the bathroom. He wasn't a muscle god like half of the people there, but he was toned and lean and his buzzed army style haircut on top of that twink built was pretty attractive. We talked for a little bit and his hands were really friendly. He also tried to get in the stall while I was peeing. I am pretty sure it wasn't for hardcore sex haha. But it would be hot and I wouldn't mind. I later ran into him several times, and he would always grab me and say hi. I was pretty into the whole scene, partially because of the environment, partially because of the nakedness, and partially because of the Ecstasy I took 2 hours prior. I was really engaged and kinda horny. I really wanted to do something with him, but whenever he approaches, I really wouldn't know how to let that out lol.. I don't know, I didn't want to sound desperate or anything. When he grabbed my lower waist and gently massaged it and said he was looking for entertainment, I really didn't know if he wanted a warm body or more Ecstasy. I saw him one last time around 10 am'ish. The ecstasy helped but I barely felt it, maybe I should increase the dosage tonight lol. Dropping the pills wasn't as dramatic as one might imagine it to be. It was quite casual and pretty just that, recreational. Since I am on a trip, I would want to try it all.

This party gave me a sense of urgency to work out more lol... Let me just say that the whole place felt like a meat market the whole time. Lots lots prime ribs with definitions that would take years to forge. It is so fucking hot to see a muscle god dances his mind off. However, on the other hand, I also saw this very skinny and saggy old man who is probably in his late 50s or early 60s with a nothing on but a mask and a jock strap on. He just walked around and around aimlessly. S and I both noticed him when we were resting on a bench. S just shrugged off. But I just couldn't stop thinking what he was looking for? Trying to get really lucky or just a stubborn old scene queen that has already died inside and left this walking outer shell in this place to reflect upon his formal glorious self? I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. But what do I know, maybe he is a happy man and he just wants to have fun god damn it. I guess no matter what it is, the drug, the hot hookups, the music, people just want to have fun. I like this, and I like it a lot. I can feel the pulse of a city strong and alive. The city was a living being at that moment. I think I can get used to this in the future, and hopefully I will be able to come back here for more fun in the near future.

It felt a bit surreal when I came out of the club, the sun was bright in the sky and people were already well on their ways to live their weekends. You see families taking their kids to brunch, people running to Sunday school, and people who are just running around in the city. I suddenly felt as if reality dissolved and time has stopped and gone to another dimension for the past 8 hours and now I just came back again. S said that he can always hear the music in his head after partying. I can't physically hear that inner sound but my mind kept repeating that beat and I love it.

Back to the house, after an extremely satisfying hot shower, I was in bed ready to sleep. S and his sister were in the room for a bit chitchat. S said tomorrow would my last day of gay events and I should really hook up.

I don't know. I really want to have a crazy sexual experience like an orgy or something, but then I don't want to hook up. Because if I go to a party with the presumption of getting laid, then that would be the only thing on my mind, and if I don't get what I want, it is always a let down. I would rather to let it happen naturally. I lack of some self confidence and at the same time have a lot of pride, so I wouldn't want to approach someone so boldly because I am afraid to get rejected in the face. I know it is silly since I would never see any of these people again, but still I wouldn't want to apply that pressure on myself. Like this older gay who told me that flirting is a sport and you have to practice to get good at it. I guess I need to learn to how deal with pain first... maybe the best way is to get hurt ha.

Anyways, I am going to another circuit party called "Alegria" tonight. It means happiness in Spanish according to S. I am really excited and I think it would be another night of fun times. Oh yeah supposedly that this party is tailored to a younger crowd. We will find out then!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

If you live in California, then you would probably know by now that Proposition 8 is going to be voted in November and many anti-gay rights religious conservatives have raised 16 million dollars to make sure that this Proposition 8 will pass. Then the California Supreme Court ruling over gay marriage will be overturned and cannot be challenged in the court again.

So I donated 100 dollars to the California Equality to combat this outrageous proposition. Hope you all can do your part and make this country move forward. It is still a democratic society so don't come out bitch and whine when you have the power to make a difference.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

That is how I feel lately. Everything has become a steady motion yet nothing is really for certain.

Work has been increasing in quantity at a steady pace since the beginning of this quarter and I have definitely learned to adapt to this rather dull schedule. I wake around 7am and get to work a bit after 8 and work until 630ish. This is an already revised schedule. Maybe because I have adapted or the management just managements the work load better for everyone now, I have stopped working more than 10 hours a day in recent two weeks. Before this, I usually wake up at 630 and leave work around 730 to 8 every freaking day. After working, 3 days out of 5 I will go to the gym and spend a good 2 hours in that general area. Get home around 9pm, eat a bit, then go online, check emails, play a bit video games then sleep. THEN repeat it 5 times and this is how a week is killed under the forever moving wheel of life.

Luckily I have my cousin living at my house right now. She has given me a taste of how a sibling would feel like in one's life. I really like it. But I do feel a bit sour at the same time since I have wished for a sibling since my teen years and this new found bounding experience doesn't justify my long delay hunger for companionship. I feel I am wronged on that one. Again, that is probably due to my single child mentality; I feel wronged very often since I am the center of the universe right hehehehe.

Aside from my work and workout, I have also thrown studying in the mix. My first CFA exam is in December and I am well behind schedule. So now I throw in about 8-10 hours studying a week to catch up. As of today, I think I would still be tremendously behind given the 10 hours contribution a week. So now I plan to kick it up to 15 hours a week for studying next week. Arrggg.....

I do all these different things, trying to move forward in my life, professionally, physically and academically. But do these efforts matter? Will they make a real difference. Lehman Brothers are heading straight to bankruptcy as of today, Merrill Lynch will be bought by BofA. These people are the expert at the finance field. Yet they faltered under the peer pressure of irresponsible investments, poor governing oversight, and aggressive valuation. Again and again, Wall Street digs up the ancient tombs for the new braves with too much testicular courage. What the fuck am I doing. Reading these giant books like a nerd, pretend that I just want to be another finance type and eventually works my youth and dream away till my company goes bankruptcy. Yes it is a bit of a morbid forecast, but i just don't feel whatever I am doing right now means jack.

----

I had a weird dream this morning and I think it kinda reflects how I feel about this flow of my daily activities.

I woke up around 11am briefly. I say briefly is because upon opening my eyes I felt dazed and unsatisfied. However, my brain was able to kick my train of thoughts into a working mode, so in about 2 minutes I went through the things I was obligated to do:

1. work out.

2. study a 50 page chapter

3. call a friend

4. something meaningful

My mind felt so tired... It is a sunday yet I can't just let it pass. Life has given me the obligation to make it productive, I guess I am just being American; we don't deserve a day off in our lives, we are bound to work till we die. I believe that.

Before I could draft up more things that can dampened my Sunday, I fell back to sleep. Then this dream happened.

I was at a locker room changing from work attire to casual attire (I guess in my mind my job would have been more serious; we are wearing casual every day as it is, i don't know what I could change to make it even more casual), I changed into a pair cool sneakers and a pair of blue sweat pants and a white T. Sitting on the bench contemplating whether or not I should go work out after this long day. A co-worker, who in real life works out almost everyday, suddenly stood beside me asking me if I am going to the gym since he was going right now. Of course I fell for the peer pressure, even though he hardly pressured me. I said what the hell, it is pretty bad as it is already, I don't think I could make my day even worse. I then started to clean out my stuff and put them in my gym bag. There was a zip bag that contained a massive amount of weed and I felt as if the weed was the only thing that would make me happy after I finish my grueling workout routine. The weed bag seemed appropriate and I wasn't even slightly surprised by it. As a matter of fact, for that instant, as I put my weed bag in my gym bag, my dream gave me a side note to explain how I got the weed. It was my gym-husband who got it from his high school water polo team and he planned to enjoy that massive amount of weed with me later that day.

So I finished packing and walked out the locker with my co-worker. We were in a movie studio sound stage and for some reason the entire sound stage was our garage. Another co-worker who looked like Sarah Palin was standing there telling us that they were shooting a scene outside and we should be careful when we close the big iron sound stage door. I said sure, but as soon as I walked out I left the door unattended and it made a huge smashing sound. I laughed and apologized. However, the woman who was behind the door was not longer Sarah Palin looking co-worker, it was an African American female cop who said I was rude and I should be charged. I started to apologize profusely. However she didn't appear to be interest to what i had to say. Instead she got more aggravated as we spoke. She then said that she had to arrest me. I was like, what did you say! for what! She said for this! and she took out that giant bag of weed and waved it in front of me. For that moment I didn't really remember where that came from and I screamed, IT IS NOT MINE I DONT EVEN SMOKE!! Then all of sudden, my gym-husband appeared behind the cop. He looked at the bag, had a weird smirk on his face, then he looked at me. I was thinking, omfg you! It is all your fault! Now I can't get out of this mess and I don't even smoke! All of sudden, my family, co-worker all came together and argued why I should or shouldn't be arrested. Looking at the chaos, I suddenly realized how vulnerable and tiny I was. I was at everyone's waists height, watching helplessly at those strange faces determining my fate. The cop left soon saying that I won't be arrested but I would be fined heavily. The rest of the adults watched me in silence. I felt so wronged. I just wanted to relax and have some fun and I rarely do it in my life. I tried to work hard and be committed to all my obligations yet the main focus was how awful my "fun habit" was, and the sad part was that it wasn't even a habit. I fell on my knees, pounding and swiping the tiny fine marble stones on the ground. I screamed and cried and kept saying "fuck this I don't even fucking smoke!"

Then I woke up with tears in my eyes in real life!

Then I just felt even more tired and helpless. Because I know in two hours I will have to go to the gym, study for the rest of the night, then get ready for the next almost identical "exciting" five days in my life.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

What a lovely movie this is. I knew I would like but it did exceed my expectation.

I love a movie that simple tells you a story. A story that is dreamy yet realistic, full of human emotion and idealism. I guess idealism cannot be quite be objective, but the presentation of human events can evoke different idealism for different individuals, so I think the objectivity of storytelling is really important. I HATE when any media that shovels down ideas in my throat, unless it is a beautiful cock and that is beyond the point.

The pace was fast yet at ease and it brought up a lot of concepts, ideas and emotions that we can sincerely relate to throughout the movie. At times you tend to conclude what this movie was trying to emphasize in certain stage of the movie, but as the story went on, it steered the direction for the audiences. Also the Spanish music in the background made it that much more dreamy and surreal. Overall color scheme was this matured yellow and green with occasional passionate red and the stark contrast of black and white here and there.

I was wondering what the movie was all about while watching it. Is romance only sustained upon struggle and imbalance, or is love a dying cause when human being become structured. Like what Julie in the movie said, I love him but I am just not in love with him for a very long time. How does that feel? I wonder. Is that the essence of love or the biggest tragedy in the world. If it is love, or what love eventually evolves into, then is love essentially the lead up to commitment. And is that essentially what human relationship comes down to, a stuck feeling? In the movie, Vicky and Cristina constantly ponder this question and they are really the same. Like what the narrator said in the beginning, when it comes to love, they are just the opposite. Vicky knew what ideal love was for her and what she deemed the final destiny for her whole life so that is what she went for. Cristina only knew what she didn't want. They both found love, one was a committal love and one was just simply passionately in love. The movie didn't criticize which one was better because no matter how sure or how unsure each of them was, they both took a detour. One found a temporary chaos on her to permanent structure whereas the other found temporary unconventional structure in her chaotic eternal search of love.

However, the movie at the end, pulled back to its objectivity of things. No matter how people tried to steer the course of lives, they still came back or move forward on the main road in their lives. No matter how dreamy how romantic how ideal Barcelona was, it wasn't for them. They were simply tourist to Spain, or just tourist to the idealism of different kinds of love in life. They experienced, learned, matured, and moved on. Maybe that is what this movie is really about. But the detour was too beautiful to ignore or forget no matter how powerful the force of nature that life and destiny hold against every body.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I talked to this guy on and off for a while, and it's been on and off for a long time. I really didn't think it was going anywhere for a while. But today all of sudden, progress has been made in a very dramatic fashion. I was checking my email and we talked back and forth email and then switched to text in the middle of the day and then before I knew it we decided to meet up after we both finishing workout.

I had a super long day. Left work around 8:30 and started working out around 845, when I finished showering it was already 10:00 pm. I really thought we wouldn't meet up anymore, but he was totally up for it. So we bot drove to a tea place and got tea and talked.

I have to say it was kinda awkward here and there, and he did look a bit different from his picture but not in a bad way. However, I don't know if I am super tired or I was just indifferent, I didn't feel any hot for this guy which is surprising because I really thought he was very doable. He wasn't really too spontaneous on the conversation so I actually had to try to make topics happen. We ended up talking quite a bit without that awkwardness anymore but I felt so blah afterward.

Now I am thinking if we met on a Sunday afternoon at his house we would probably have done it and totally not gonna think about this afterward. But I am looking for a bit more than that at this stage in my life and he totally wasn't. So for me I guess that killed all the interest for me. I think he told me that when I asked him, he either wasn't attracted to me and tried to send that message in a nicer way or he was just really want to fuck around. If it is the latter I don't really think I want to go through that much trouble to schedule and have sex with him because I learned over time that sex is really about quality not the quantity. However, overall I think I was just really disappointed that he just wanted to fuck around and we both don't feel the hots for each other. So after a courteous conversation of one hour, I called the night and left.

I just think it is probably not smart to know anyone worthwhile on a4a, i know right, what an easy concept. Anyways nothing too exciting on the love side.

---

Sunday afternoon, my VP treated me dinner for my upcoming bday and we had dinner at Cafe La Bohem in West Hollywood. It was such a lovely place I highly recommended it.

Also Mr. 8 and I talked again and he wanted to fuck last week but at the time he asked me to go to his place I was still at work. I know how sad right. So hopefully we can do it again soon he is so good... Sigh he is on the same boat with that guy I met tonight though. But at least he is hot, super endowed and good at sex so it is totally worth it.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

For the past 3 weeks, I have been going to the clubs every Saturday, and usually out and about having a good time hanging out with friends all the time. The height of my happiness peaked out last weekend.

On Friday I went to this guy's place for some sex. We've been talking to each other for a while and he was persistent. He has a nice body and good height but seemed to have cocaine eyes in the picture. Lucky for me, it was just a bad picture. He still has that amazing body but much cuter in person. He lives in downtown in a loft that he just purchased. It was an amazing loft and his decoration was very appropriate. It was chic, modern and still has the sense of good old home feeling to it. He is successful and busy with healthy activities. I was very impressed by all this.

Also, he had an 8" inch thick rock hard dick. After chatting briefly we started to make out very passionately. He was a bit aggressive on the tongue action but it was hardly a flaw. Most importantly, he gave the best sexual experience I have ever had. He went very slow and made sure I felt comfortable. It was challenging to take that 8" but because of his careful moves and slow motion, it was a bit pain and pleasure all mixed up together and I couldn't wait to shove more of that meat inside of myself. It was so thrilling. He fucked me on my back for a while and then all of sudden with one swift motion, lift me up and laid down. I then started to ride his cock furiously. It was really good and I felt sexy and powerful. I truly applaud his skill to be a top. I really think being a top doesn't mean you always have to be the one in control in the action, rather, be the director of the motion and let everyone involved to play their part. I felt in control yet being controlled and it was such a refreshing feeling. Before I could enjoy this ride longer, I shot all over his chest. Instead of mauling my ass open, he acknowledged that it'd be kinda unpleasant to fuck me once I came, so he pulled out and shot all over my cock. For the very first time, I felt enough care and attention from a hookup.

We chatted some more afterward and he kept leaning in to kiss me and said he had so much fun that we had to do this again.

I got home around 12:00am and texted him saying it was a great time and hopefully we could hang again.

He probably went to sleep by then, so I got a text message the following day saying "yes, it was so much fun, we have to do it again."

I was really happy. Finally I find someone who is amazing at sex and not a loser at all. But I guess I was over optimistic. I texted him on Tuesday saying if we could hang out this weekend and I haven't got a reply even today. He didn't even text back saying anything, I guess that "we have to do it again, was merely a thank you have a good life." I was actually really disappointed by this outcome and it really tempered my mood since Tuesday.

Saturday I went clubbing with my best friend at a straight club again. It was so much fun, and we danced a lot. Her friends were all really easy going and she got really drunk. I on the other hand just enjoyed this easy going night with these good people around. I got home around 530am.

Woke up around 9:30 am headed to a paid area south of Laguna beach with my cousins. Beach was nice and all since no one was there but the beach was full of rocks and I felt like my feet would eventually sever from my legs if I go in the water more than once. But it was fun regardless.

Monday, my happiness ended, and my life kinda took a drastic temporary turn downhill. I got extremely busy and worked out on Monday. It was 10:10pm when I got home. How depressing... Then Tuesday my Mr. 8" ignored me.

Now today, work sucked ass. One of the project I was doing just wasn't right for me today. I couldn't interpret it correctly and the manager was over the top sarcastic for some reason. Maybe because I was already in a bad mood or maybe he was just busy but overall we pretty much had a bit cross fire in the morning and I just felt like shit for the rest of the day. I feel like I am wasting my life. This job, though I really can't complain about it too much since the hours aren't really that bad most of the time and the economy is in the toilet, it is really not something I find intellectually challenging. Most importantly it is not something I wanted to do with my education nor it is something I find so interesting that I would give it a shot. But as for now I really can't do too much. I still haven't hit my 1 year mark since I started working here and I still at least need to pass CFA test 1 so that I have something extra on my resume to move on. But I am getting home earliest @ 8:00 pm nowadays for at least another week and latest pass 10:00 pm, as much as I hate to admit it, I really can't find the will power to continue to study for another hour or two.... sigh this prospect just makes me feeling ill.

Besides, I still haven't got over Mr. 8" as for now...

The ups and downs, they come so quickly and gone so fast at the same time. I just feel like I am being raped by life, something you can't defy, yet can't say you don't find pleasure in the process.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Gym buddy has been great, we hang out for July 4th with his fiance and my friends. We all had a great time, then we worked out a couple more times etc. Especially my friends and I went nuts in the water and totally had a blast. I lost my Rainbow sandals in the waves and now I am wearing a new pair. It is going to be another year of foot battle with the footwear, so far the sandals have been beating the shit out of my feet T_T....

Anyways, when we were at the beach watching fireworks on the 4th, out of no where, his future wife all of sudden asked,

"So what have you planned on August 9th."

(hmmm wth... is she inviting me to the wedding? but I don't even really know them isn't this supposed to be a very intimate event?...)

"ah... nothing why."

"would you like to come to our wedding."

"oh, ah, sure haha why not. "

(hmmm ok i guess we are really getting along enough that she is willing to invite me to their weddings kinda cool.)

Gym Hubby walked back to us when this exchange between me and his soon to be wife took place.

"Oh, Hamilton wants to go to our wedding.'

"Ah... cool. "

WTF WTF WTF.

WHo the fuck said I wanted to go, that was kinda distasteful.

Anyways...

Later on I asked if I could bring a person and he said yes. But overall after really thinking about it, (plus all my female friends are going out of town during that time), I think it is really inappropriate for me to go. I do not only not know anyone there, but what am I gonna say when anyone asks me how I met him?

"ah... we worked out together for 2 weeks and I think he is totally hot. "

Yeah that is not gonna go well. So now I have decided not to go.

But since I am already invited, now refusing it is already kinda bad, at the same time, I need to get them a wedding gift either I go or not. I especially should get the gift now that I am not going. I am kinda not happy about this. I really do not know these people what the hell.

My friend helped me with a thoughtful gift and I think it would be a good gift. It is not from the lame registry either, so I think it is great. Even though I got lucky that I didn't have to drop like 50-100 dollars on a stranger's wedding I am still kinda annoyed by the situation especially how she made it sound as if I invited myself. Do I look like that kind of person?

Now i think about it, she did this probably for an extra gift. I know how cynical but who the fuck invite strangers to their wedding when they already have a budget for 180 people?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

She is 18 years old and just graduated from High School. She got admitted to CSUN and is going to attend at least a couple semesters. Then we will plan her transfer route, maybe UCLA or USC I don't know, of course USC is ALWAYS better lol...

I am so excited. Now she lives at our house, I think this would be a great addition.

Monday, June 23, 2008

As I mentioned two posts ago, I met this super cool guy whom I fell for immediately is now confirmed to be straight.

As we planned before, we worked out today. He waved at me afar and we shook hand and got down to business. Today I got to know him a lot more and we chatted about everything. The more I talked to him the more I liked him. We talked about our love for the new BMW 335i and how we both wished to get one. He, I know for a fact, can afford one, but he said he wanted to save money and get a house first. Omg how sweet is that right?

He was just so cute today. But the truth has to come out and I confirmed the fact that I already knew. He has a blond girlfriend for two years already and his girlfriend is also in the architecture profession. I literally lost my focus when he was talking about his girlfriend. I put up this smile and tried not to sound disappointed. We moved on quickly onto other things. But deep down I was so sad.

I mean he is a completely stranger but he is one of those people just give you the "he is the one" type. I have never felt that for any other guys I have ever met. I don't I just got really depressed.

On the other note, I met up this guy I met online and I drove down to his place in Long Beach. We had sex for 3 and half hours. I mean of course the bulk of it wasn't anal sex but he did fuck a good half hour and toward the end I was literally begging him to cum because it was getting so rough and too long for my tastes. There was plenty kissing and cuddling, as well as blowing and fucking and I came twice. I also got three hickies, I know so juvenile...

It was a great release.

But it was fucking shitty because all I have left now is an empty space, I want a fucking husband, god damn it. Now I wish everyone was gay or I wasn't gay, this is so hard and so much work. My love life is literally like a craps shoot. I have yet seen a guy like this, so easy to talk to, so down to earth and so focused. He is also so well educated and smart and sooo manly.

Sigh, this really sucks. I mean the hours long session was a high point of my weekend but now it is as meaningless as a pile of poop.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The movie is pretty awesome. It is stupid at times. You can feel that they are trying a bit too hard. But overall the movie has a good pace and Steve Carrell's style was nature in this movie. I laughed throughout the movie and there were parts that were extremely hilarious.

My friends and I watched the premier then headed to dinner and hookah. It is going to be in the theaters today, let's see how the box office will turn out. I hope it does well.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

How can people be so different and the good ones never fall between my legs.

I talked to this guy, 6'6" online and his height is definitely the main attraction. I actually didn't really want to reply him for unknown reason but I started talking to him anyway. He messaged me last Friday and we kinda emailed on and off for three days till we texted and aim a lot today. He kept flirting and asking questions and I answered truthfully and calmly. I wasn't cold but definitely not overly excited either. I just feel that if you try too hard, nothing good comes along.

Anyways, he suggested to meet soon which I don't object but not too fond of it either. He insisted on meeting soon, such as, TODAY, even went as far as renting a room when he is talking about building up a relationship. Weird right? W/E I just kept talking in a very neutral manner and wait to see what comes out of this. I told him I wasn't going to rent a room which would be too much effort for a first time meeting each other. He kept saying babe com'on. At this point I should have figured he is crazy. Alas, stupid me right.

So eventually I told him, I would text him after I am done with gym around 830pm and if my phone doens't run out of battery then, I will definitely try to meet up, if it does I will make it another time.

Finished gym around 815pm and texted him at 825pm said

"You wanna meet up?"

"sure"

1 minute passed and I was able to juggle my cellphone when I tried to drive out of the parking lot and typed,

"direction plz from Pasadena."

"ok then, good night.'

????????????

"what?"

"You took too long to reply, so I am going to bed."

!!!!! looked at the text again.

All I wanted to say is "please put bipolar on your profile next time, so at least I would have some idea of what I am getting myself into."

I stopped texting him.

5 more text message followed,

"You never wanted to hang out anyway."

"Now you are ignoring me, gr8."

"Ok go to Mission Dr."

"Why aren't you answering."

"You wasted my time."

Now he just CALLED ME.

Thank god that I am getting my iphone soon so this number would leave me. He is really scaring me now.

now one more text

"Dude, what is your issue."

so I said the following,

"you really don't see how crazy you are? I was just gonna laugh it off, but it is getting annoying. Its my fault so for god's sake please stop texting or calling, this would my absolute last text. Thank u."

He replied more but this should be the end of it.

----

On the other hand, I saw this guy, 6', buff, cute buzzed blond hair, sweet sweet smile and a USC grad in architecture. He is a total jock type and he is smart. He offered to spot me while I was benching, so sweet. He just makes me go awwwww inside. I just had this HUGE crush on him that I could barely take my eyes off him. We chatted more for about another 30 mins on and off between sets of workouts. I suggested that working out together and now I got his number. I know he is not gay and all and this is definitely not healthy for me since I would develop more feelings for him once we start working out together regularly. But oh man... I suck...

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

This time is a family effort. We as a family donated 300 dollars to the relief effort for the Chinese 7.9 earthquake that resulted 50,000 some death, and 5 million household homeless. We have been following this event unfold for a week now. From the Chinese official Xinhua news and the mostly independent Hong Kong based Phoenix network to the CNN new, we learned a lot of heart wrenching details. I wish for a better tomorrow for the victims from the bottom of my heart. Though 300 dollars is small considering the Chinese rich and famous, corporations, and the general public has donated 500 million American dollars to save these people. I have to applaud the government for the swift action and resolute to help everyone involved. Also I hope this is a wake up call for the poorly constructed infrastructure especially like schools. They need to do more prevention than recovery. Regardless, at this point, we can only look at the brighter side.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I don't know. I feel like this whole incident was like a giant painful hiccup.

My dad, after three days of sulking, constipating and ignoring, he seems to slowly return to normal. I was so 110% sure that he knew, now I am only 99% sure that he knew. Whatever thought process that he went through with his best logic as he knows it, has made him completely oblivious toward current situation. He now is in a full on denial mode.

I was anxiously waiting for "the talk" or at least his desperate cry for his broken heart. Whatever it was, I thought it would be some kind of outcry, at least to my mom. I wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all because he refused to look at me for three days and whenever he has to pass me by, he would make that heavy breathing sound. It is quite creepy I think. But now he is just silent once again. He is a master of drama I have to say. The physical silent treatment just closed its curtain, now the psychological void emerges.

I truly do not understand this man. Yes I am his son and whether I like it or not I have his traits. For example, sometimes, I just can't stfu. Another example would be self victimizing, which I try so desperately to correct. But overall, I feel that this man and I have fundamental differences regarding prospect of life in general. I love him in a way that how families HAVE to love each other and nothing more. I care about him because I have to. He is my father and I am no animal. But other than that I really just don't get him at all. The list can go on and on.

Deep down I knew today would come. As a precaution, I kept telling them to be more independent. Yes, I try to make them emotionally detached from me. Cook a great meal for my mom, do something for yourself. It is not like we are living in a third world country with a third world living standard. You have the capacity to enjoy life. Instead, he would get mad if I don't eat dinner at home. He would get mad if I come downstairs for dinner 10 mins too late. He would get mad if I tell him don't cook dinner for me tonight because I had prior plans.

"I did this just for you."

You FUCKING cooked rice.

This emotional baggage! His constant reminder of "You owe your life to me" is his way of showing his love. It is so traditionally Chinese that I want to fucking puke. You know My MOM could enjoy some fucking rice that is just made for her. Turn your attention to your spouse who is probably gonna spend more time at the end stage of your life! I am FINE. I am only independent when you want me to be. I am only as grown up as you wish to believe.

I seriously feel that because of him, I need years of therapy. I am more fucked up with him than without. His fatherly love has never made a warm impression in my whole life and yet everyone around me can attest that he loves me and cares so much about me.

Again I guess it comes down to the fundamental differences. For me, if you are a man, fucking take care yourself and make sure you can at least make the impression that you can out live your spouse. THAT is the ultimate commitment. That is the ultimate promise. You let people in your life know that You WILL BE FINE. Even though we are not counting on it, but that is the best ANYONE can do for your family members who truly love you. I can care much less about some dinner and shit.

He on the other hand, focuses things on the microscopic scale. The dinner, the attitude, the chores and all that random shits become the fabrics of his version of the perfect family. Oh yeah, he also eats shit load of salt, sugar, fat, and he smokes. He sleeps late and wakes up early and mentally gets fucked the whole day, then complains about being stressful and tired in America. He saves pennies, yet doesn't spend anytime invest. He has high blood pressure, potential heart problem, thick blood, and of course 20 some years of smoking has almost completed spelling lung cancer for him. On top of that, my grandpa died from colon cancer, and my dad is 55 years old and has yet checked his colon.

When confronted, he always blames these on other things. Oh if I am rich I would do all these maintenance every day. It is always about money... !? Bullshit. Yes health insurance purchased by individuals is expensive but with careful planning it is doable. Plus this is the money you should spend, quit smoking would be something on top of the to do list.

I remember when my uncle in law died from kidney failure, you cried your eyes out right before the corpse was sent to the incinerator. For what? Because deep down, you know that would be you in a decade? You probably already figured out that you have no will power that would steer your bad habits, just like my dead uncle in law. I still don't know wtf you cried about. You two had such a bad relationship and you both looked down on each other, then why the tears back then? My mom said you were shaken by the sight. Apparently not shaken enough to learn anything from it.

Always playing the blame game! He has never reflect on himself EVER. I think I started really hating him when he told me that "It is right because I say it is right because I am always right." From there on he lost all his credibility and that was when I was about 12 years old.

After 10 years in America, he still cannot speak one full sentence of English and he still has to write numbers reading from a chart and this is when he handles all the family checks and finances. Trust me he has written a lot of checks! On the contrary everyone that we know in our life, has learned English to some degree. He doesn't even fucking try. We have a family business and my mom has to do EVERYTHING. He just chooses to do the physical works then complains about being too stressful, physically. Ok you are getting older so I guess we can tolerate that. But when asked what he wants to do exactly since he complains about everything that he does nowadays. His answer? "nothing, I just want to sit around and do nothing, enjoy life." Life of a what? Even sloth would climb trees. It is so obnoxious that I feel hard to breath when I hear that. I am still mad. I am mad that in my mind my dad wouldn't be like this. He is so hypocritical, so selfish, and so irresponsible. I used to believe if that my dad was more of a role model and manly, I wouldn't be gay. I know that is not true now but I think that thought that belief and that expectation still made a heavy dent in my relationship with him. He just wants to be a domestic king and a social wuss. Let me correct that, he can only be a domestic king because social status isn't handed to him so he is ok with being a social wuss that just doesn't know when to stfu. At least I used to be able to be sympathetic and now I am even worried that I am just so indifferent toward him.

All of this, how does this make him responsible, how does this show that he cares?

I am so frustrated and fed up with his arrogance and ignorance over the years.

Plus my teenage years... that is another post. This particular post that I often mention about, will be done soon but it is going to be a heavy one down to the memory lane...

Now after you figure out your son is gay, all you can come up is a silent and odorless fart. Playing the victim for three days and now you are silent?

Of course, this again has to be about YOU. You are the victim of the family. Hell, as you claimed that you are the victim of your own family back in my grandma's ages. I have to say maybe he is traumatized but he never tried to pick himself out of that.

He STILL talks about the hardship that he endured back in the Cultural Revolution in China. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND PROBABLY DIED. You, dad, on the other hand just weren't fed enough.

I always asked my mom, do you really love dad? I know she never loved him in the beginning, but it was the good nature of hers that made her commit and finally sincerely cherished the family. Her own words, "the first time I saw your dad, he wasn't bad". "however, my coworker said your dad's look was very bland."

That is just fucking wonderful, the least he could do is to give me a prettier face. Everything is just fucked up. Now I am just really ranting.

I don't know. I feel like my relationship with my dad has dropped down to a dimension that is beyond time and physics. It was as if it was nice and warm all of sudden it was a ugly blur and now I just don't care anymore. How pathetic is this really?

-----

Here is the HNT picture, in case you are confused what part of my body this is... This is my leg, the thigh, knee, leg area.

Whenever I am super stressed I dwell back into the world of video games, usually the time consuming ones... I am play FF11 right now. It is great, I tend to forget a lot. Better than stuffing my face I think, that would be deadly on my weight. This weekend should be fun, going out gay clubbing again, and the long beach pride. sigh I think I really need it. Next weekend, I am trying to plan this Getty's Museum visit. I don't know why I just really want to be there for some reason, that place sounds just so peaceful