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No single calendar day–not even July 4th–screams “You are in America!” more than today. For on this day: February 14th, people who are happily in love celebrate the joy of amour, and those who are miserably and reluctantly alone, commiserate with a sneer of disapproval as they gaze at today’s date on their sad appointment-free calendar.

It’s a day when American consumerism knows no boundaries, especially for the wealthy and in love. After all, nothing says, “I love you” like bestowing your Valentine a diamond the size of a crystal doorknob or lobbing them the keys to a luxury sedan wrapped in a giant red ribbon. According to the telly, it’s the American dream.

Valentine’s Day ultimately sums up life in these United States of America: The Haves and The Have-nots.

Mr. Have has a beautiful wife, a secure job, and 2.3 children; one of whom is miffed at being a mere fraction of the child it could have been. Sorry, Junior, them’s the breaks.

Ms. Have-not has a cat named Senor Sparkles, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer, and a lifetime supply of Valium prescribed to her by a psychiatric doctor who secretly fantasizes she swallow the entire bottle one night, so she no longer visits her with depressing stories of loneliness and ongoing abandonment by anything she has the misfiortune to feel affection for.