Mascots have long divided public opinion. Some people see them as a delightful reminder that sports are meant to be an enjoyable pastime. Others see something much more nefarious: a plushy scourge whose very existence mocks the grand tradition of competitive human endeavor. This long-simmering opposition to the mascots’ reign of merriment has mostly remained in the shadows. But in recent weeks, a multi-pronged attack has been launched, escalating tensions to the level of all-out war.

This attack was not unprompted. The Mascot Alliance has long enjoyed a peaceful period of unchecked power, allowing them to push the limits of their species. However, in the eyes of the anti-mascot insurgency, their fun has gone too far.