Not everyone has mastered the art of cooking rice. If you know how already it seems stupid someone should be told, but everyone has to have a first time, know what I’m saying? Yeah, you know. You know I’m talking about rice. So here’s a handy guide for simple, delicious rice. Enjoy! Millions of Asians can’t be wrong. That’s not racist, they just eat a lot of rice in Asia.

Rinse your rice. This will help ensure the rice is less sticky when it’s done and clean away any impurities like dust, talc or PCP. You do not want PCP rice.

Add 1 cup of water to a pot with 1 and 1/2 cups of water. For the love of God don’t mess this up. Have you seen what happens to rice with not enough water in it? It’s like Beirut, man.

Some people will tell you to cover the rice here. Maybe people like your ex. Like you should cover it up like it’s shameful or something, even before it comes to a boil. Maybe your ex has something to hide in that rice, hmm?

Don’t cover the damn rice, you hear me? DO NOT COVER IT. I don’t give a shit if she parades in an army of chefs from Chinese restaurants, you don’t listen to a word of it. Put that lid down.

Bring that shit to a boil.

You see that, Denise? The rice is boiling with no lid on it. Oh no! Our relationship must be built on lies!

Lower the heat to medium low. That’s right, things aren’t all that hot anymore. Not in the least. But that’s normal, right? Things cool down after a while? Sure it’s normal, unless you catch the rice screwing one of your coworkers. How’d that happen? That’s just nutty.

Cover the rice. Now’s the time to put a lid on it because you don’t need to hear any of the rice’s bullshit excuses for why that happened. The rice isn’t going to just come out and say it’s been a lying hussy this whole time, so don’t waste your time waiting to hear it. Just put the lid on and walk away because you have better things to do, like go get tested for VD because God knows where the rice has been.

Wait. You have to wait now. You want this shit to be over but it’s never over because why should it be? Not going to end anytime soon. It’s going to draw out like some kind of Third World execution, just devoid of humanity or pity. A disgusting thing is what it is, this waiting. Just go, Denise. End it!

Walk away from the stove for a minute because now may not be the best time to bring up that like half of your DVDs are missing. It’s not like this was a marriage, you don’t get to split this shit up. You know what you have? Wall sconces and the shower curtain. Those are yours. The DVDs and the rice are mine.

Has it been 20 minutes yet? Because it seems like 20 years. Real mature, rice. Is it necessary to play games like this?

When the time is finally up you’re going to want to think you’re free and clear but it isn’t that easy. Oh God no, why should it be? No, you just remove the rice from the heat and wait even more. More, as it congeals and gets colder like a black, loveless heart.

Keep the lid on it because there’s no sense trying to change things at this point.

Have you waited long enough? Take the lid off and try to fluff that rice. That’s right, take a fork and pretend to make it like full of life and wholesome and delightful when the reality is that this pot full of whore rice is as unappetizing as a salty old trollop down on the dock, which isn’t far from the truth anyway.