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wall anchors, indeed

The UPS man brought our gate today. It is quite lovely. I could compose odes to the gate.

I could, but I won’t, because apparently the installation of said gate is beyond me. I shouldn’t have been trying anyway, since history has shown that Cranky Mama + wall anchors = huge gaping holes of doom. But I am older and wiser now, or so went my mental rationale. Besides, Not So is having a bad day at work and will probably have to stay late, and won’t it be a nice surprise when he comes home to find the gate all up and not requiring anything from him? It would be like if he came home to find dinner waiting for him, instead of what actually happens every day (which is walking in the door, having a cranky baby thrust at him, and hearing his wife demand “what are you going to cook?”).

So I read the instructions, and then re-read the instructions. It looked simple enough. Drill holes, tap in wall anchors, screw in mounting thingers, and attach gate. It took some time to actually locate the necessary tools, but once I had everything it was easy as pie. Mounting thingers up, gate in place. Now just press down and –

The fuck?

The whole thing pulled right out of the wall. On both sides. Aren’t wall anchors supposed to, you know, anchor?

I do not understand. At all. I am a clever girl; I should be able to put up a simple gate. I should be able to use wall anchors. Other people can use wall anchors. It’s not like I’m doing anything differently. I’m following printed instructions, for god’s sake. Drill hole, tap in wall anchor, screw. Why won’t it work???

I’m going to sit here and cry for a while. Then I will go over to the store and get some spackle.