Friday, 30 August 2013

Today is the day. I have been on a waiting list for over three years for a breast reduction. I was about to have one a year an a half ago, but the Doctor died of cancer.

I had to go on another waiting list, and today I have my first appointment for him to tell me if he will do it or not. Obviously since I have lost weight, my boobs are not as big as they used to be. They are still very heavy, and not where they should be.

When I was overweight, they were relatively upright. Now they are sad sad affairs. I dont look at them much because they are so depressing. Today I looked and yikes! They look like a sock with a large soft ball in them. Ok maybe not that bad, but there is no way I would willingly show a boyfriend (if I had one).

Needless to say, I hope the Doc puts me on the list to move forward. If its a go, I dont have to pay. If not I will have to come up with some money for a boob job to fix what I have done to myself with my weight problems.

Monday, 26 August 2013

Yahoo and Ugh! my period started. Yahoo that I dont have to wait around for it, Ugh...well cause my period started.

My countdown to my Boob doctor is on. 5 days til the big unveiling (my boobs), then I am another waiting list (hopefully), to get my reduction.

My other big worry is how unbelievably lazy, tired I am. I hope that with my period showing up, my body will pick up a bit. Just to make sure I am going to add a little more carb, and a little less protein.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

I feel tired alot though. I am either eating something I shouldnt, or missing something I should. I follow the food guide, so I try to have a protein, carb, veggie/fruit at each meal. I feel like I am dragging myself though the day until I can collapse in bed at night.

I wonder if this is tied to my period problems. I noticed this the very first time I missed my period last year. I never ever ever miss my period. Never. Not since the very first one. I was regular as clockwork. Every 21 days I would have my period for exactly 5 days. Then 21 days later go through it all over again.

The first time I did not have my period was pretty freaky. I knew I was not preggers (no man in my life). Was I dying? Nah. Day 22 was like...what? Then I started to feel more and more tired. I gained something like 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I didnt want to move from my bed. Sleeep was allll I wanted to do. I did not have my period for 45 days!! Holy crap!

My doc put me on the pill again, but that did not work out for me either. So here I am over a year later, and I am still going through irratic periods. I have noticed that I do get really tired during the no period months. Hmmm. Weird.

Friday, 23 August 2013

I just relearned or remembered something weird about my body. Here goes...

The day before my period I lose a few pounds. I get really excited thinking I have had a break through. Then I gain it all back and have to lose it all again. Through my scale obsession recording, I finally saw the pattern and stopped getting upset with myself (usually).

I would lose some water weight before my period, (why?) then gain it all back once my period was over.

Its confusing now that I am not having my period every month, but I am having the same symptoms. Weird I know.

I will have to keep an eye on that, and see if my weight fluctuations match up with my normal period cycle.

I fleshed out my goal for 2014. I want to maintain my weight loss. That has stayed the same. I want to add a physical aspect. Like run a 5k, or join Cross Fit, or something else that is pretty big. I will have to think on this.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

I ate and ate and ate yesterday. Why? Am I trying to self sabotage? Was I hungry, Was I bored, Tired, Angry, Depressed? I think it was a little bit of everything. I didnt start off the day by over eating. It just sort of crept up on me.

I ate my lunch, then my son made me a grilled cheese sandwich. He never does stuff like that. So I ate it. Then I had a huge salad for super. It was just lettuce and olive oil and lemon juice. It was so good I had another. Then I started eating fruit. Three peaches, then I had some salsa and tortilla chips. Then porridge. My stomach hurt, it was so full.

So I puked.

Once I start over eating, I cant seem to stop. Its like my what the hell are you doing button is jammed. The more I eat, the more I want to eat. The more I eat, the more I think of eating. The more I eat, the less I am satisfied. The more I eat, the less I think.

So I puked.

I hardly do this anymore. Yes yes, once is too many, I know. The reality of it is, that I over eat. Sometimes I puke. It feels like I am releasing all this negative stuff from inside me. Feelings of sadness, of stress, of anger and I feel this bone deep relief.

Sometimes I dont puke. That is worse. I use this as a punishment of sorts. I deserve to be in pain for doing something so stupid as over eating. That gaining weight, and the over full feeling is what I deserve, and I should suffer for all the bad that I have done. Gawd!

This morning I really sat down and thought about all this, and yes its not brilliant, or a new to me thought. But it is the first time I have put it down for me to read and study and think it through.

Friday, 16 August 2013

I find it so frustrating that I am following my diet perfectly, and my scale is not falling on board properly! My weight has been fluctuating so much that it is crazy. I figure this goes back to my theory on my perimenopause journey. I think even though I am not bleeding, I am still getting all the symptoms. I figure I am going through one of my ghost periods right now. How to document and research this? Hmmm.

OMG! I just looked up ghost period by chance, and there is a name for what I am going through. Its
called....Phantom Periods!

Monday, 12 August 2013

My periods have been out of whack for over a year now. Sometimes I go over 2 months without a period. I think I still bloat, and get cranky right around the time I should be having my period too. I am going to keep a record to see if I am right.

To keep things interesting sometimes I only go 2 weeks in between periods. Why? Because life just not fun enough!

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Four more months to reach me final goal. I said I wanted to lose 100 lbs by the end of 2013, I need to lose another 60 lbs in four months. Is 100 unrealistic? Not before, but now yes. I fell down a few times, so to make up and lose 60 lbs is not going to be healthy. Even if I stay strict for the next four months, and only lose 10 lbs a month, that will bring me to 140 lbs. I have been that weight before and I look gooood. I will have to wait and see what weight my body wants to stay at. This is going to be long term weight loss. I have to be able to maintain whatever I end up at. That is not to say, that when I reach 140, that I cant strive for 120 lbs. It will just be a slower journey. Like 1 lbs a month or something.

I looked up my body type, factoring my height and bone structure. I should really be 150 at the max, and 118 if I had a small frame. Time will tell.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

I weighed in at 180.4 lbs today. That is fabulous. My hard work at work is working out ;) How is that for a sentence? When I go to work, I put in more than 100 %. I always have. On the down side, I eat a little more than I should, thinking I have extra cals to work with. I am now trying to keep the extra calories to a minimum. I also try to add them on days that I have already worked hard.

Doing that and eating my lunch or supper just before work has been helping. Like today, I start at noon. I will make my lunch and eat it at work. It satisfies that craving I have of eating something before I start my routine.

Now the only thing I have to beat, is eating when I get home. My last meal or snack at work, happens around 6:30. By 9:30 I want foooood. I start off eating a bite or two. Then three or four. By the time I am done, I have usually eaten well over two hundred or even three hundred calories. I think I am going to divide up some popcorn, or some other cheaty kind of snack. Hopefully that keeps the calories down, but allows me to eat a little something to keep the hunger down.

I have eating this new popcorn, or should I say, new to me popcorn. Its called BoomChickaPop. Yummo! It only has 35 calories per cup. Best of all, it only has three ingredients. Popcorn, sea salt, and safflower oil. Nom nom nom.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

I weighed in at 180.5 lbs today. Obviously that is wrong. So I measured myself instead. I lost some inches, which is really cool. Another bit of good news. I am officially just overweight! I am no longer obese.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

I was strict, and stayed on my diet yesterday. I have been trying to work on my wanting to eat at every break. I have also been planning around it. I bring my lunch to work, and eat it just before starting work. I used to eat it just before leaving for work, then eat again just before I started. So that cuts out some calories.

The countdown is on now. I have to lose close to 7 lbs before August 30! I have to be 180 lbs, but I am getting weighed with my clothes on. It is doable, since that is over 3 weeks from now.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Thats how the sleepover went. I gained back the 2 lbs I lost last week. Back at it again. Still as determined as I was before. Its is just really frustrating to always covering the same ground more than once. Oh well. It has to be covered, so here I go again.

BTW, didnt hate the sleepover party. That is pretty big for me. Now to do it again, with out the bad eating.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Weighed in at 183.8 lbs today. I ate a little more than I should have, and I did not have a huge hard work day. My manager came in with individual dessert thingies, and OMG it was delish. I couldn't not eat it! I ate it expecting to exercise all day. That did not happen, so when my day was nearly finished, I looked for things to do that would burn some cals.

I work at a liquor store and I lift and move boxes all day long. I love it. I see it as an opportunity to exercise and build muscle. Under my protective layer of fat I am all hard muscle!

When I first started there, I weighed around 220 lbs. I was always exhausted and had a hard time doing all that was expected of me. I pushed through it every single day. I decided to diet and try harder everyday. Now I am like a machine at work. Pallet after pallet and I will keep going until I finish. That is not to say I am not tired after work. But now its 10 to 12 pallets that make me tired, not one!

I have a party to go to this weekend and *Ugh* I am not looking forward to it diet wise. It is going to be a sleepover, and we are being picked up (lots of drinking). Food and booze. I am just worried that I will get derailed again. It would be different if I had been on the straight and narrow for a couple of months, and one night would not make a big difference. But I am just back from a couple months of living on the Dark Side. Confidence and willpower are kind of shaky.

Friday, 2 August 2013

I weighed in at 184.6 today, which is more realistic. Yes it is
awesome to see a huge weight loss. But when you know its not real, you
know the other shoe is gonna drop.

I am following my
old diet, and its like coming home. Its funny how following a thought
out plan, watching what you eat becomes so much easier. I go on to
MyfitnessPal early in the morning, and plan out my food for the day.
That way, when I get hungry the decisions already been made. I dont
chose food when I am bored, angry, sad or hungry.

I
find when I regulate what I am eating, it bleeds over to other parts of
my life. I have more gumption to clean the house, or work in my gardens.
I try to look at everything as an opportunity to exercise or get away
from the fridge.

Another cool side effect, is that I
actually don't feel as hungry. Or think about food as much. When I am not
following my plan, I thing of food all day long. Seriously! What I
want, how I want it, should I eat it, when I am going to eat it. On and
on and on.

When I am on track, I ask myself are you
really hungry right now? Or are you bored, or do you want to eat because
you usually do when you see this person, or sit here, or ....

Thursday, 1 August 2013

I weighed myself this morning, and it came up as 181.0 lbs. Sadly, I know this is wrong. I will still mark it, but I know I did not really lose 6 lbs in 3 days. I am back on track, and the force is strong.

I had a breast reduction when I was in my early 20's, and I have been on a waiting list for almost 4 years to have another one. They warned me that I would need another one if I did it so young, but it was worth it. Now it is 20+ years later, a kid and gaining and losing weight, things are not where they used to be.

To get the operation, you need to meet certain criteria. Lose weight, DUH, and maintain. You need to lose enough that your BMI is out of the Obese section. Check! I need to get to 175 by the end of August, so its looking gooood. Then I go on another waiting list for another year. Sigh,