This sh*t sucks.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

People wonder how I got so fat. How in May 2012 I was under 200 and by the end of summer I was 225 and now, as of a month ago I'm 270. How can a woman go from being hot to fat. From caring to not. From snacking to scarfing. And drinking water to soda, to water again, and to soda. I quit the soda thing again as of a week ago.

They ask me what am I doing now? Have a started to get back out there again? Whatever happened with my gym membership? If I have shoe inserts why am I not shrinking if I missed working out? Why, Charlene, why? Why let yourself go? Huh? Why?

Well for one, I am VERY aware of my body thank you. Aware of my changes and my habits, aware of the fact that I no longer find any part of my outside attractive. I am aware that my relationship failed partially due to me being so overweight and he wanted me to get back to being skinny so he could be with a hot chick. I am very well aware of the fact that each passing meal I have without veggies or overload my plate with more than heaping piles of food is causing me to gain weight. Causing me to become what I am. I am aware that I can walk everyday to help. Do something. I am aware of the weights that I own can and will help even if I do it once a day.

But don't you see that talking to me about it makes me feel bad about myself? Don't you see that I have feelings? That I too am a human being. You don't see that? Then let me explain something to you: this sh*t sucks.

It sucks to be stuck on the couch on doctors orders, it takes a toll on you and you turn to comfort...your old habits creep up, food. Finally the doctor says start walking, but you can't. It hurts to walk anymore than the new "normal" the new slacking. Everything. It's not easy staying the same happy upbeat person that you are and other people love. But it's who I AM. It's ME. And so is this. But being fat? That's not me. I know that. But I also know now, everyone has their own story and we all have set backs. Even the pros. I now know that THIS is my new beginning. My struggles that I have now are just struggles that you or her or even him has, I struggle for weeks on end, and then I get better at it. I figure something out, and sure life gets in the way but don't think I'm happy when I look at the scale. Don't think about the fact that I quit, just think about the fact that I am still fighting. I am continuing. I eat handfulls of baby tomatoes everyother day when our garden gives them to us.

I am only human. I started my journey years ago. And NOW is the time where I need to let that go and realize there really is a point in this where you can't keep going..or continuing. There is a point where we have to actually quit just so we can take the time we need to listen to the doctor and try to let our body do what it needs to, and yes I quit. And I kept telling myself I am a failure because I didn't want to quit....and now I realize I have to.I have to quit thinking I am on the SAME journey as before. Because I'm not. I'm bigger than I have ever been (actually I have lost weight since I got my inserts). I eat more fast food than ever before, I drink more soda than any normal human really should. But that's what happens. Things change. And I need to forgive myself for what I have done, and the fact that my feet isn't all my fault. I did nothing wrong when they gave out, but I am doing something wrong now that I can walk a little bit. And I see that I need to forgive myself the way I used to when I did drugs and drank alcohol everyday. I need to allow myself to be human and accept things. And this whole freaking year...I forgot that I am a human being. I forgot that I too am allowed to live and have sh*t happen to me too. It may be over a year but guess what? I am starting over. I am going to get to my goal weight of 150. I am going to see this through, even if it takes me three years like it does for some.

It's my turn again. And I am going to take it full speed ahead.....well maybe start at 5 mph just to be safe.

5BADDOGS
It IS your turn again! You can do this - you can do anything you want to - once you decide you care about YOU! And that is the hardest part sometimes... Forgiving yourself and deciding to love yourself despite of (fill in the blank here - what "he" thinks, what mistakes you've made before, what the scale says, etc. etc. etc.).

AKATHLEEN54
First and foremost, any man who wants to be with you just because he wants to flaunt a "hot chick" on his arm is not worth having.Now more importantly, I can tell by your blog that you have the will and you have the desire and the determination and even if you are starting over you are starting and that's awesome!! Sometimes life really sucks and it really gets in the way and totally screws up any sort of plan or success we may have already had. But that simply reminds us that that's life and we are human and as many times as we fall, we pick ourselves back up again and keep going. You are never beaten until you allow yourself to be and I can tell that you are nowhere near being beat! You can do this. You are worth doing this!! Small steps.... one day at a time.... success will be yours... You seem to have a very strong mind set. Don't ever lose that! I wish you all the best in your journey. Keep sparking and keep believing!! 1469 days ago

JENVAMPVEGAS
OMG, Girl, I can so relate. Not on being on the couch due to doctors orders, because I have never had a good reason to my not being active, but to knowing what I should and shouldn't be doing, and doing it anyways. I really let "him" (or a few of them) help form a really negative self image for me. Never thin enough, never pretty enough... I was just never ENOUGH, no matter how hard I try, and I got to a breaking point and said, "F* it, why try?" And, here I am, having regained every last pound I had worked so hard to lose. I was down almost 40 pounds, and now I am back at square one. So, I can relate, and it does suck, It sucks bad. But, you have the right attitude, getting back at it. Good job! 1473 days ago

EG8383
IN YOUR FACE!!!! You are powerful in your words and I can sense the fustration yet the devotion you are embracing now. Sh!t does happen and it does suck. We can't control the outcome of everything but we have a choice! A choice to fight and do better or a choice to sit on the side line and watch it all pass us by. You will be at your goal weight and you will feel hot again! You're not alone on this journey. One choice and day at a time! You can conquer!!1479 days ago

CALGREEN
Sh*t does happen and it can make us take a complete U turn on our eating and activity habits, however set backs can make us stronger and increase our motivation. You already know how good you felt/looked while being on healthy lifestyle and now is time to get it back! The first step is to realize what went wrong, set up a plan for success and get started, it looks like you already got this down and now its time to keep pushing one day at a time. Believe in yourself and you'll do great!!

It is hard to be where you are, hard to realize you've gone from Hot Chick to "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" (to steal the title of a fun movie I watched recently). If someone you loved was in that place you'd surely have compassion for her and no one is more deserving of your love and kindness than YOU. So please, be gentle with yourself.

Maybe set little goals along the way and reward yourself when you reach them? I, too, have a lot of weight to lose; my first goal is to lose 10% of my body weight because that has a huge effect on heart rate, blood pressure and mood.

And baby steps. It's hard to go from extreme to extreme. Maybe just add some fruits and veggies and/or be sure to get in those 8 glasses of water on days when you have junk food?

Celebrate ANYTHING you do today to care for yourself and to heal and your life will be better every day. I have faith in you. You will succeed!

RACEWELLWON
Your right its does suck !! I completely understand , and I am sorry that you are hurting - slow and easy is the way to go - It will happen , in your time - do what the physician tells you do - you see I understand - I damaged both legs in Nov. of 2010 !! Yep , six surgeries to walk again ! But with the doctors permission when your body is ready you will see that weight come off , trust me - One thing at a time - Hugs Karen 1479 days ago