Relentless sarcasm for your reading pleasure

Really? Part 2

If anyone saw my first posting of, Really? you’ll understand that this post is an ongoing extension of some stuff I just see and think to myself…..well, you know.

Here we go:

Your twenty years old and rockin’ that great body of yours, sister. You get one tattoo that leads to another. You finally decide, “Hey! I’m just gonna tattoo my whole left side – it’ll look awesome and pretty hot on my great body!!!” Then you turn 40 and Google “Tattoo Removal.”

Dad’s not around for me to sit on top of his shoulders so I’ll just use mom’s big, fat ass.

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I know what you’re thinking: If I wipe my ass with this toilet paper, will it stain my cheeks? My guess would be yes. There is nothing quite like walking around with green, orange, or red butt cheeks. My second thought (and possibly yours as well), is why the hell is someone making colored toilet paper??? Do you really need to have your own personal stash of toilet paper in order to differentiate your “spare squares” from everyone else’s? Should we personalize each tissue square with your initials?

Finally! A guide to displaying and properly naming different types of Man Boobs. I can now have articulate conversations with my husband about the various types of man boobs and sound scientific about it. This will leave him speechless. This never happens.

Are we that busy in our lives that we need to have a machine to wash ourselves? Oh, and have an Asian chick help you? Please people, get a life and take twenty minutes out of your day to wash yourself…..yourself. Next thing you know we’ll have machines to wash our clothes. Oh, wait….

Well, I for one would not do well with these on my feet. Since I can barely walk with socks on (or off) without falling, these just look like an accident waiting to happen. I think if they’re going to sell these they should at least include a helmet.

This isn’t such a bad idea, if I didn’t think I’d look like a complete idiot while sitting on it. This isn’t such a bad idea, if I didn’t think I’d look like a complete idiot while making a turn on it. And finally, this isn’t such a bad idea if I didn’t think I’d look like a complete idiot falling over on it.

Shit. Hammacher Schlemmer decides to make pajama warmers just in time for me to have hot flashes.

<————– Stay classy, America. Apparently she doesn’t advocate the use of wearing a bra with straps. However, she is sporting a nice strappy bag in which her boob is a supporting character. And, the belly is appropriate for this time of year…..IF SHE’S SANTA CLAUSE.

I wonder what would happen if this woman wanted to wear gym shoes….. Stiletto implants just don’t seem practical. However, if you ever encounter a burglar and have no access to a weapon, you can poke them in the eye with the heel of your foot.

Last but not least, nothing says Halloween like slutty dog costumes. Even though the dog doesn’t realize what you’ve temporarily transformed them into, if you love them don’t treat them like porn. Dogs don’t like porn. They personally don’t even care about porn. They’ll hump each other right in plain sight.