To live is so startling, it leaves little time for anything else.

I heard this line in a song and thought it was poignant. Loving someone is one of the most fulfilling experiences, but man, sometimes love is pain and it's strange how that works. Nothing is all butterfly kisses and rainbows.

When it's 9pm on a Friday night and I'm alone, chowing down a box of chocolate covered banana chips (this is my version of bon-bons) and i'm watching reality television on the WE channel...

Yes, you heard me. The WE channel.... David tutera, Bridezillas, you name it, I have vegged on it many a night... And it's during a particularly disturbing episode of "David Tutera weddings-unveiled", watching some horrible woman have an emotional breakdown over a flower arrangement being wrong- that I realize I'm in trouble.

I feel a strange surge of violence rise up inside me.. I have an overwhelming urge to punch this self righteous biznatch in the face. I scream at the tv, "You invited David Tutera to "fix" your wedding, you're getting a way better dress, flowers, FOOD, and overall experience than you could have ever paid for-and yet you're CRYING hysterically over things just not being "your way".".. Call me up when you have some REAL problems, sweetie....

And as angry as I am at the woman on this show.. I'm really feeling angry at myself. I have a ritualistic pity party for myself almost every night before I go to bed. Pathetic.. who is this woman? Bogged down by the immensity of her stress, her worries, and her fears.. She's not me. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a pessimist..at least not this often. Where have I gone? I get angry at me for letting pain weigh me down. For making decisions I now feel are wrong and for being such a coward when it comes to some things. I feel a little like I gave up on things I really wanted somewhere along the way, and I've never considered myself a quitter. What happened to my faith? My energy?

Silver linings are fading away, getting harder to see. Pep talks aren't working. I'm still sinking and i don't see anything to grab onto. Sure, some things about my life are fantastic, but other things-really important things, are just falling apart...

I want to chase dreams, but I need a solid foundation. I need to get my energy back. A job would help. any job. just something that makes me feel like I've got some sort of purpose. Shit..I'm almost desperate enough to bartend again-and I hate bartending. But maybe that's just what i'll have to do if it means me feeling better. getting my mojo back. getting a foundation.

I start to think how old i am, and how someone my age shouldn't see so god-damn lost. Shouldn't I already have a foundation? There's that feeling that i should be further along, doing more, seeing more.. i should be more established in some ways. Then I think "F that-I've done and seen so much..there's not rule saying I have to be at some imaginary point at this here and now in my life."

Most days I'm just putting on a happy face. I'm tired of that. it's exhausting. Do you know how much work it is to just put on a happy face? I know i'm an actress and i'm great at it, but try acting 24/7. Try holding back the tears during a phone call or at coffee with a friend. It burns. It's terrible.

What I'm saying here is that I'm a complete mess.. I'm not suicidal, I'm just really unhappy. and I'm not whining-I'm just confused. Dumbfounded, really. How the hell did I let this happen? What went wrong? Where did the girl go who was going to win an Oscar? travel the world? have a photo published in a big magazine? write a feature? Where the hell is that chick?

Me

I'm Lauren. I love soaking up new people and new experiences. I'm an artist, photographer, actress, and a dreamer. and professional bruncher. I realize I probably have terrible grammar. I am not ashamed of this. English is the worst. Some would say I'm an old soul. I tend to be dramatic, and I eat waaay too much Mexican food.

My Writing

I don't consider myself a writer, I'm not a writer, I just write. It's a way to express my feelings, what's inside of me, and let out whatever emotions are trying to push their way out of me. I also like to tell stories, make people laugh, inspire people, help and educate people about things I am passionate about in the world around us. I hope at least some of what's here does at least some of that for at least one person.