Midlife crisis inspires revisionist cocktail range

After spending the heady years of his youth serving "Long slow screws on the beach" to the upper echelons of Magaluf, the subsequent career spiral of 40 year old cocktail waiter Darren Hardgrind led to an epiphany. "It was a Road to Dagenham moment, where I’d ended up doing Wednesdays and Thursdays in the Meet Market Lounge’n’Bar", he confided, “On deconstructing our cocktail menu, it struck me that we were setting the punters up with unrealistic expectations of Jamaican sunshine and screaming orgasms”. Darren’s consequent introduction of the "Quick wank in the loo followed by hours of guilt and self-loathing", one part Baileys to ten parts Bitters, was not an unequivocal success. However, a subsequent move to Scandinavia saw his career blossom. His “Six months of winter and economic stagnation” resonated in Helsinki and Oslo, while his tribute to Werner Herzog, the “Hostility, chaos,and murder”, equal parts of methanol and shoe polish lightly shaken, saw his fame spread from Stockholm to Moscow.

However while his latest concoction “And when the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour... And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound”, drew murmured plaudits from the Ingmar Bergman Society, he has risked alienating the mass market. “Frankly mate he’s disappeared up his own arse”, said friend Chazza, “Which actually gives me an idea for a cocktail – two girls one coupe”