The eternal pursuit of beauty is certainly not a new phenomenon among the rich and famous. Vanity isn't so much a sin in La-La Land as it is a prerequisite, a marketing tool, an element of survival. Unfortunately, sometimes stars go a little too far in their search for the fountain of youth. We all know about the extremes of plastic surgery addiction, such as kid-diddler Michael Jackson and cat woman Jocelyn Wildenstein. But even celebs who are less zealous about rearranging their body parts can end up with disappointing results, often resulting in the much-feared Butter Faced Syndrome.

Material Girl

Madonna is now about five million years old, but she only looks about 50 from the neck up. With the help of various spare parts and meat waste, she has successfully managed time and again to reinvent herself and come up with new and interesting ways to get her dusty old twat on camera. While good ol' Madge has managed to keep her face shiny and new (well, one outta two ain't bad) the rest of her body betrays her ever-advancing age. Maybe all of that yoga, kaballah and excessive working out isn’t doing her body good after all. Unfortunately for Madonna, there are no botox treatments for zombie hand flesh. Or for scary, droopy-skinned arms with weird, creepy muscles…

Ms. Ice-T

Coco whatever-her-last-name-is, aka Ice-T’s slut-alicious wife, already had Butter Face Syndrome, so she decided to have some work done on her gazongas. It’s an easy choice for porn stars, and anyway she probably wanted to even things out with all that junk inside her trunk. But somehow, this boob job went awry. Did she have too many boob jobs, or was it just one really big, bumpy implant? I'm not sure exactly how one gets the dented boob effect, or why one would want to retain the breast dimples, but Coco rocks it anyway. Careful, baby, you’ll shoot your eye out. Rowr.

This job is known in industry jargon as the "double decker."

Do Your Jowls Hang Low

Lara Flynn Boyle hit the online rags last week after being caught on camera, apparently preparing for a role as Droopy Dog. Unlike some of the other celebs, this is probably the result of refusing to live the knifestyles of the rich and famous, or perhaps she just missed her biannual botox appointment. Twice. Recent articles printed six-year-old quotes from the once-taut thespian talking about how she feared getting older and entering the not-so-sought-after realm of the Older Actress. Lara, honey, you have arrived! With your resume, surely you have a coupla thou' you can invest in a little nip-n-tuck? A little less jowl-flap, a little more work, that’s what I always say.

Jiffy Lube

Priscilla Presley has been in the tabloids recently, and not because of her enthralling performances on Dancing with the Stars, one of the now ten zillion dancing shows you can catch on prime time these days. Thank you, striking writers. But no, Presley was in the retroactive spotlight the past week in connection with the 2004 arrest of a shady doc who injected his patients with auto lube.. Instead of having the same effect as botox, as promised, the lube job resulted in one bumpity, gelatinous mess, giving Elvis’s wife (am I just really young, or shouldn’t she have died eons ago?) with a weird "textured" look. Remember kids, just say no to "injection parties" and drive-through botox!

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday EditorialThe future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic CopsAutomotive SectionWe’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible JourneyFeature Story By The eXileGood Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters[SIC!]Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through TimeClub Review By Dmitriy BabooshkaeXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight SpinBardak Calendar By Jared LindquistJared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters[SIC!]Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst PollutersAmerica By Eileen JonesEverybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...