'I don't want to be a mum any more. I'd rather be a dad'

By Sasha Ryan| 2 weeks ago

I was in the middle of a rendition of "Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" with my two year old the other day while I was on the toilet, when the thought occurred to me: I don't want to be a mum any more.

OK. Hang on.

I love my two kids. I love with them a ferocity that shocks me at times. I love them in a way I didn't expect to. I thought I would love them for being cute, or small. But the love is deeper, and much more primal. All the cliches are true.

So, when I say I don't want to be a mother any more, I'm not saying I want my children going anywhere. I guess, what I'm really saying is that... I want to be a dad.

I'd been thinking about it for a while. But I'd not said the words - even in my own head - until I saw Michelle Wolf’s comedy special on Netflix. There's a bit in there that properly articulates what I've been reckoning with.

Michelle says, "I wouldn’t mind being a dad. That seems like more fun, and there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there, but a great dad is still just an okay mum."

That's not to say that dads aren't spending more time than ever with their kids (because they are), or that the men who become dads today are, generally speaking, more emotionally available than the dads of earlier generations.

It's simply that, as my own husband once said, "I can do everything you do, but you'll still get graded harder." Though it pains me to admit this publicly, he's right.

A survey undertaken by Australian consumer researchers The Korn Group last year (and published on this site) found the majority of women with children under the age of six "felt like they were constantly operating under a ‘damned if you do and damned if you don’t’ environment." They felt judgement not just from friends and relatives, but society, and online groups in particular.

And it's not just here in Australia. Last year, a US survey of 2000 parents with children between 0 and 5 found "Forty-eight per cent of mothers say they feel judged by strangers within their own community", but - surprise, surprise - "only 24 percent of dads report this."

'Mums will always be graded harder for their parenting.' (Getty)
Yet by far the greatest judge of a mother's behaviour comes from her own family, with the mother's mother often doing the most damage.

But, see, if I’m a dad and I want to give a baby some formula milk, nobody is going to tell me "breast is best", they're just going to be proud of me for remembering to feed the baby!

If I'm a dad, and I stare listlessly into space at the playground, ignoring my kids' pleas to "watch me do the slide!", other parents won't think anything is wrong -they'll feel sorry for poor old dad! Of course a dad gets bored by kids!

And oh! If my kids are acting up in public, everyone will assume I’m trying my best! It's not my fault the kids are screaming, I'm a dad, I've never done this before! It's not like I have an instinctual understanding of how to properly manage kids - especially if they're having tantrums.

The best bit is that I can do all of this with absolutely zero makeup, and wearing the same clothes I've worn for the last three days, because guess what? I'm a Dad!

Nobody expects me to "snap back" to my pre-baby bod because I sit behind a desk all day! I make important decisions, I don't need to focus on something as silly as my appearance!

Research shows mums feel more judged on their parenting than dads do. (Getty)
I won’t have the mental load of where and how my kids will go to school and day care and who is wearing socks. If I’m a dad, I won’t have to worry about looking super hot like all the other mums on Instagram!

If I’m a dad I just have to get home in time for baths and books and be around on weekends! If I’m a dad and I have to leave work early, people find it endearing! Nobody accuses me of ‘leaning out’.

The benefits are endless! I'm just not sure how to begin. But here's my idea: what if more dads started acting like mums? You know, taking more responsibility for the little things?

What if more extended families acknowledged the bloody hard work it is to raise a kid? What if hospitals and health care workers empowered women to make decisions that were right for them? And what if workplaces started supporting flexible work hours for men as well as women?

Yeah, it's ambitious. But given the strides we've made, I'd like to believe it's possible - and remind myself one day that if my kids have kids, to keep my mouth shut.