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They look awesome, but they taste like 1950s science…

Before I start my Countdown to Halloween proper, I wanted to give a quick update on my candy findings for this season. Thanks to the Insidious Bogleach who indirectly urged me not to give up hope on pharmacy Halloween sections. I really haven’t found anything good at Walgreens, CVS, or Rite Aid in years, but that has turned around a bit. From Flix Candy, the same makers of the Box of Boogers, Zit Poppers, Bed Bugs, Freaky Fingers, and the Spooky Lip Pops comes the insanely awesome series of Monster Gummys!

These things are huge, and the concept is just fan-freaking-tastic. Personally, with my goofy love of cephalopods, I think the gummy tentacle is probably the best designed confection known to mankind. The choice of color, the little sugarcoated crunchies inside the suckers, it’s just a brilliant work of art. And the gummy earthworm? Well that is just the perfect grotesque extension of one of the most basic gummis out there. It’s the Tremors sandworm of gummi worms. It puts the gummy worm in the chocolate cake "mud" to shame. Scratch the Tremors reference. It’s the Dune worm of gummi worms. I want to strap on a nose plug, put in some neon blue contacts, and ride this worm.

But, like almost all Flix candy, these monster gummis have one unfortunate flaw. They taste a lot like what I’d imagine licking the Toxic Avenger’s mop would taste like. I could barely get a bite of the tentacle down, and don’t get me started on the earthworm. It smelled like a racquetball with a similar consistency to boot. Seriously, all kidding aside, this is a plea to the folks at Flix Candy:

"For the love of all that’s holy, please fire your chef and make your overpriced and exquisitely designed gummi candy edible. Thank you."