Fight 3 - C.J. vs. Andy

[FADE IN - It's evening. GINGA, ORANGE, C.J., TOBY, MOLLY, HUCK, and SPECIAL GUEST STAR "CHIPS" (aka dallirious) are all sitting around a campfire at Camp David. TOBY is reclining with a sleeping bag under his head, reading a book. CHIPS is snuggled up in her sleeping bag, dozing peacfully. The rest are gleefully roasting marshmallows with which to make smores.]

GINGA:Someone tell a ghost story.

ORANGE: [accidently sets her marshmallow on fire] AH! [blows it out]

GINGA:AHAHA. [notices flames beginning to lick her marshmallow and gasps loudly] NO! [blows on it excessively] Aww... now it's been blackened.

C.J.: Just a little initiation into our world for the newbies. When they suddenly showed up with no explanation, what were supposed to do? Let them run free? Oh no. They needed a little introductory thing first. Pie seemed fitting since they brought that cake.

CHIPS:So was this a ritual when you joined up, Ceej?

C.J.:Nope. We characters don't get any kind of initiation. You know why? 'cause we're too busy beating the crap out of each other. [notices she has no more marshmallows... and reaches over to ANDY and takes the one she's about to roast]

ANDY:C.J.! What the hell!?

C.J.:[roasting her new marshmallow] Yay!

JOSH:[struts up to the group] Did I just hear you say 'beat the crap out of each other, 'cause I insisted Donna tell me when the woman-on-woman action started happening.

CHIPS:[throws a pillow at JOSH]

GINGA:Hey, Josh. We're out of marshmallows, so, sucks to be you.

JOSH:[tossing the pillow back at CHIPS] Hey, I didn't come here to have things thrown at me and marshmallows kept from me. Is it so wrong I just wanted to see C.J. and Congresswoman Wyatt mud wrestle?

CHIPS:Mud wrestle?

ANDY:[ignoring JOSH] I was going to roast that for Molly!

C.J.:Aww, Molly, you don't mind, do you?

MOLLY:No, they make my mouth hurt.

C.J.:Maybe if your mommy was around more she'd know that, too! [smiles at ANDY]

MOLLY:[bottom lip quivers]

ANDY:[stares at C.J.] What did you just say?

MOLLY:[bursts into tears]

CHIPS:Oh my God, C.J., you made the kid cry!

C.J.:Wasn't me. [glares at ANDY]

JOSH:[chanting] Mud wrestle, mud wrestle.

ANDY:It was you and I demand you apologize! How DARE you say that!

C.J.:[smirks, ignores ANDY, and eats her smore]

ANDY:God, C.J., you're such a bitch!

TOBY:Andy, do you have to get all worked up? I'm reading here.

C.J.:Yeah, Andy, do you have to get so worked up? [munch munch]

TOBY:C.J., do you really have to start something? Can't you wait till we're not relaxing at Camp David? Is it too much to ask, people, that I read in peace!?

LEO:[walks up and sits down] Give me a smore.

ORANGE:God, Leo, you ever hear of the word "please"?

LEO:No.

ORANGE:[rolls her eyes] Nice to see you, too.

CHIPS:Hey, Leo. [tosses him a bag of marshmallows she was hiding in her bag]

LEO:That's more like it. [tears open the bag] And you two, [glares at C.J. and ANDY] don't try anything funny 'till morning. We don't have our little microphones.

ANDY:[shouting] This is ridiculous!

C.J.:What, the new bag of marshmallows or, you know... your face? You do know you're the only one of us with red hair, right? Doesn't that make you a succubus or something?

TOBY:...Ginger has red hair.

LEO:What did I just say, C.J.?

CHIPS:Whilst watching TV the other day I realized that redheads are always portrayed as tall, intelligent and independant women...

ORANGE:[snorts]

CHIPS:[tosses another fish at ORANGE]

ORANGE:HEY. DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.

CHIPS:IT SLIPPED!

ORANGE:UH-HUH, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. I'M WATCHING YOU.

JOSH: Ooh, even better! Girl-on-girl commentator brawl!

GINGA:The hell!? You're such a freak! Since when did your name change to Joey Tribbiani?

JOSH:Since Donna refused to make out with Amy.

ORANGE:[bursts out laughing]

LEO:Josh, do we need to give you a minute so you can go watch some porn?

JOSH:I would, but, Donna burned all my tapes.

LEO:[smacks hand against forehead]

CHIPS:[giggle] Donna's a feisty little thing.

ANDY:[Andy, having sat far too long watching the insanity around her, stands up, walks over to C.J., and gives her a nice, hard bitch slap.]

C.J.:WHOA! What the hell, Andy!?

ANDY:WHORE!

C.J.:[throws her marshmallow stick on the ground and stands up]

ANDY:That was for calling me a bad mother!

ORANGE:Oh noes!

C.J.:Well, come on! You were only in what, 10 episodes? You know how many I'VE been in!? IT WOULD TAKE A WHILE TO COUNT 'EM!

GINGA:Gah! Microphone! I need you!

ORANGE: Just talk really loud.

[GINGA's microphone suddenly pops into her hands and she gasps]

GINGA:WHOA! Cool!

MOLLY:[bouncing up and down] GO MOMMA GO!

LEO:[thinks about his microphone, and watches as it pops into his hands] There's something really kinda freakish about that.

ANDY:Big deal with the episodes! At least I didnt sleep with a complete stranger at my high school reunion!

CHIPS:Whoa, how did Andy know that? [a book labelled "THE DEATH WING: USER MANUAL" drops into her hands] Ooh, okay...

C.J.:[growls as a katana pops into her hands] Whoa. Awesome.

GINGA:...I think there's something magical about Camp David... [thinks about a box of Wheat Thins and squees when one appears in front of her] OH MY GOD CAMP DAVID ROCKS SO HARD. [dives a hand into the box]

ORANGE:I need a mic! [tries to make it pop into her hand and fails, ending up with a pink Barbie mic instead]