Introversion and the Blues

My silence is indicative of my battle with the blues and my aversion to making it public. Isn’t it odd, I have known for years I battle this insidious and all-encompassing emotional sea. This time, I let the waves take me further out, nearly sinking me. This time, I gave free rein to my nature and thus failed to notice as the blues silenced me and built my walls higher and stronger than they had been in years. This time, I looked out of my already well-built bubble of introspection and introversion, shrugged my shoulders and said, ‘fuck it, I am fine, I am good; I can’t care’.

My silence is indicative of the hurt of the past few years. For far too long I have cared too much for to many only to be told it isn’t enough. It has broken me emotionally, financially and worse it broke my trust in others, long nurtured is finally broken as well. I always believed if I was good to others, it would be returned; I was wrong. Time and again, I was wrong.

My silence is indicative of fear. You might ask me what do I have to be afraid of, but that would show you only know my name and not who I really am. I don’t blame you for this, it is who we are as a people, who we have become. Uncaring, unjust and focused entirely on ourselves, unconcerned with anyone outside of a small circle of ‘just like us’. Unwilling to hear anyone who speaks critically, asks questions, or offers any other voice but what is inside the echo chamber of our own narrow thinking and vision. Willing to lash out at friends and allies of years, name them as enemies and call others to do the same when they question the echo.

My silence is indicative of fatigue, both personal and social. This year-long season of the American Horror Story has worn my patience and my hope thin. There is no critical analysis that can be done in the political arena of today, no justification for what the American public is offered as options for President. We argue over who is worse, not who is best. We have become a laughingstock on the world stage when we aren’t a diplomatic nightmare. Our politics and our politicians belittle the dream of America and turn us into a Reality TV show for the amusement of the world. We have lost our way, our demons are on the stage and we must select which one will lead us into perdition.

My silence is indicative of my despair. Yes, I said it; despair. Despair for all of us that we are falling down a hole of ugly we will not be able to recover from. That we are drawing lines we will not be able to erase for decades. That we are allowing the fringe to speak for all of us, rather than standing up speaking up and screaming ‘Shut the fuck up’ when the extreme ratchets up violence, animosity and nativism without a single voice of dissent. When the extreme causes friends and neighbors to call into question the loyalty of decades and shed those alliances and friendships simply to appear more ‘correct’. Where once reasonable people on all sides joined together across political, gender and racial lines to form alliances for good, now those same people are using the language of the extremes and burning down the houses, without care demanding a return to what once was without understanding the consequence of their demand.

My silence then is the only response I have, the only response I am able to offer in this time of terrible turmoil. My silence and my tears as friends of long standing turn on me and call out for others to do the same because I question within the echo chamber. My silence and my tears, as I come to realize how terribly used I was in my time of weakness and sorrow. My silence and my tears, as I watch the nation burn itself down. My silence and my tears, as I watch the extremes on both sides grab the disenfranchised by the throat and shake mightily until out of the pile of brokenness walks the fury that is seen protesting senseless deaths on the streets of our cities or the Trump supporters screaming ‘Make America Great Again’ as they ignore his casual ignorance, racism, sexism and all other ‘isms.

Will my silence continue? I hope not. I hope I can begin to write again. I hope I can start taking an active role in my own life again, become part of the world again. I hope, honestly, I can start interacting with the world again without simply wishing to curl up and crawl into myself. Each time I have tried lately, it has not been an overwhelming success. This world, well it dumbfounds me. I love it less and less. I pay for my interactions within it on more levels then I am happy with. Nevertheless, I am part of it and should not give in to my overwhelming desire to simply retreat, it is far too easy.

My silence is indicative of the blues. I understand it is easy when you combine a natural introvert with the blues it is easy to do what I have done. So now, I will try to knock the wall back down. So much of the time I feel so very much alone, so very much as if I have to do this on my own. This I think, this reluctance to open the door and let others in, let others help me, let myself be disappointed again; this is another part of the blues.

Val you have been on my mind this last week and here you pop up as I wade through my email list of eve
ry growing numbers.. You have only done what comes natural my friend.. As you try to keep yourself sane from the madness of this world..
Retreating into silence is a good thing.. It allows us to step back see the world for what it is, and understand we are all of us here upon a mission.. Even if we do not always see what that mission is..
Your words have been missed, your humour and your passion for the world’s plight and that of your country..
Stepping back shows me how this world is working as we see the demise of those In political arenas.. We have only to look a the UK to see how our politics have shifted and still in turmoil as parties do internal power battles..

Sometimes changes come through chaotic times.. and it appears we are hear to experience them. 2017 has always been marked in my own ‘Almanac’ as a year to watch when things will come to a head for the world.. I hope beyond hope we do not turn to that page.. But all I can do is keep walking my own talk and keep beating my own drum..
Which I know we have missed from you dear Val..
So welcome back.. and do what you are inspired to do and that will be the right thing..
Love and Blessings
Sue xxx ❤

Like others, I was wondering how you were and was hoping you were simply busy with your new home and perhaps new career adventure. So that that you are deep in the blues. Yes, some days the news seems nothing but darkness. And this election is the worse that I can remember. With either one as president, we will still be divided. (My vote goes to Hillary. Is she perfect, no, but so much more qualified than Trump.) You seem to absorb the pain of others and add it to your own. I have no answers for you but trust that the light inside you will bring you through silence to roar again with life! Sending a hug…

Hugs are always more than welcome. Please read what I wrote to Honie, perhaps it will explain some. I am growing in my healing, truly there have been many blessings despite the blues. I am going to write, even politics yes even that.

My silence I think is only temporary, only just for now. I needed this time to heal the broken bits I didn’t realize were still laying at my feet. Now, I see those shards and I have heard and seen unexpected acts of contrition, now I am starting to finally and truly heal.

I thought about you last night, Val, and wondered if you were okay. I figured you were probably busy settling into your new home and devoting more time to your career. I feel the same sense of despair about our nation’s current state and the dismal prospects for its future. But, as individuals, we are still important, too. Please don’t give up! I know that’s easier said than done. But the world needs more cerebral activists like us.

Sadly, Val, you are not alone. Self-evaluation and deep introspection are our gift and our curse. I, too, have retracted from the political conversation. It actually never was a conversation, because from the get go, only one side was trying to talk. Now, even the followers of that calmer, more reasonable side have given up and are delivering the low blows it scoffed at receiving all year long from the bully and his supporters. I’ve checked out, stopped watching all the “news” channels. There is no news, only propaganda, sensationalism, biased analyses marketed for ratings to a hungry reality-TV-centric audience. I am literally sick over it. I feel like we’re back in the dark ages where nobody in power gives a shit about lying, for lies on the internet and TV are now just as real as truth.

Again, Val. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I share your pain and your sadness. XOXO

I feel it is time time put on my waders, gently let the waves lap at my ankles. No more, but that at least. I feel, if we allow ourselves to become silent then we lose before we run the first lap. This Sue, this despite it all I think I cannot allow.

It is a sad state of affairs that leaves someone so outspoken silent. I hope you purged many demons with this piece, Val, and that you have enough air to come on back and fight along with the rest of us schlemeles.

I know Elyse, I know. It has been a harder year than I understood until recently. Now I understand, I have unraveled many of the strings that were chocking me without me understanding why I couldn’t breath. The blues, the are terrible. I hope what is in my heart will make it to the page.

Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
“My silence and my tears, as I watch the nation burn itself down.” … couldn’t have said it better. This is what we see …. a nation going down in flames. SILENCE …..

It’s like you plucked the truth from my soul and wrote it out.
I think you are incredible at conveying the reality of sadness or melancholy and whilst it is awful to experience, it produces this beautiful poem and most of all you endure and survive despite it.