Apparently not. We had a really good conversation in July, when they found the spot and I thought we were on the same page. But now its all, "oh well the acupuncturist and energy worker think I am fine, so I am not going to worry about it, and you shouldn't either."

And if I talk to him with L around, he deflects and goes "Oh what is she putting in her mouth?" "Oh I think she needs a diaper change." And if I insist then it becomes an argument.

And a more everyday vent: he had her for 4 hours today, and spent 90 minutes driving her around town so she would nap. Gas is nearly $4 a gallon here, so I save roadtrips for special events, and he just blew 90 minutes of driving time so that he wouldn't have to deal with her in the morning, when she is generally a complete delight. And I am not going to say anything about that, because it is such small potatoes, but it does annoy me.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Tofulish, I love you, but energy worker? I don't even know what that is but I doubt that they can see inside his body and know what is in his lungs. I am guessing that he isn't going to change his mind no matter what you say or do. It reminds me of an addict who will not get help even though they are hurting the people they love. I don't know that I have advice, it sounds like you have tried everything and you guys are stuck in a holding pattern. I am really sorry you are going through this.

Part of what is so frustrating is that I know he doesn't trust Western medicine about cancer. He'd be the first one at the MDs if it were anything else, I think.

His stepfather died of lung cancer and the MD who diagnosed it, told the family (stepfather not present) he would be dead in nine months, but in conversations with the stepfather told him he had a chance of beating it with chemo etc. So for the last nine months of his life, his stepfather was convinced that his family wanted him dead because they kept trying to get him to enjoy his last few months and he wanted to focus on fighting his cancer. And he died exactly 9 months post diagnosis.

My mother also spent her last year of life being ready to die but having her MD tell her she had hope, getting us to encourage her to fight and keep going through so many different types of chemo, that were painful and draining and really took so much from her, and at the end they were all useless.

And so he doesn't trust MDs on cancer. But those are just two examples, and there are people who have come back from lung cancer thanks to chemo, radiation etc.

Anyway, I am just annoyed today. I haven't had a break from Leela in months, I was supposed to get one after Labor Day, when he took a five day trip with his friends and I took care of her alone, but that never happened because he was so busy at work. And today I was hoping to just get a cup of coffee alone because I haven't slept properly for 2 nights because L is sick, and instead I had to rush home so he could go spend all day at the funeral (he isn't back and its 11pm) and to make things more annoying, she had a superlong nap in the am so she fought sleep until about 9 pm, where if we adhere to her proper schedule, she goes down really easily. What is the point of having a schedule if your partner breaks it to do whatever is easiest for him in that moment? I know he had her sleep for 90 mins because he wanted to be on the phone with his friends. And I am bitter that the one day that I at least get some help is going to be spent either at Chuck E Cheese or with him moping about the fact that I am a huge bisque and refusing to go to CEC. Basically, my Sunday is forked.

I just need a place to bisque. Everyone we know is constantly telling me what an amazing husband and father he is, and I don't want to throw him under the bus by saying anything less than nice.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Tofulish, I just want to say that expressing your frustrations and difficulties isn't throwing him under the bus. It's being honest and seeking support from friends. It makes me quite concerned when people feel like they have to always and only present the best side of their partner. And it can be pretty lonelymaking.

And I know he has a lot on his plate, but it sounds to me like he is really not being an equal partner or parent at this point. Of course you're frustrated!

Sending lots of hugs and imaginary baby-free brownie dates your way.

_________________"I'd rather have dried catshit! I'd rather have astroturf! I'd rather have an igloo!"~Isa

"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD

Tofulish, I could have written your post exactly, word for word about a week ago. I really, really hope that he gives you a break soon because you need and deserve it. He is busy with work, but so are you. You are an amazing mother, one of the most amazing mothers ever. I hear from everyone how awesome Nate is, and he is, but sometimes I need to hear that I am ok too. And, no matter how much you love your baby, we all need a break sometime. I wish I was there and we could make our husbands go have a play date and we could go get cocktails because coffee isn't enough.

And LB, I hear you! And it means so much to hear it from you, because I think you're such a great Mom! Especially because Grey had such a challenging start - and you guided him through so much, from the GERD, the ear infections, the low supply and the sleepless nights. You're amazing and he looks to be one of the sweetest and happiest little kids ever!

I think its so unfair that our society praises men so lavishly for being great fathers and husbands for comparatively little effort, while being really stingy with praise for women because it assumes that we all just instinctively and effortlessly self-sacrificing and loving etc. Its like the cult of mother veneration is used to smack down all us mere mortal women struggling to be good partners and parents, or even just stay awake. I could digress on this for hours....

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

We all, all, all, all, ALL deserve and need a break from our kids sometimes. If one parent's getting a break and the other one's not ever and there is ANY sane way that can be rectified, it's gotta be. (Obviously it's a different story if one of you is deployed etc.)

PS Tofulish and littlebear, you are both great parents. Your kids didn't get that awesome on their own.

We all, all, all, all, ALL deserve and need a break from our kids sometimes. If one parent's getting a break and the other one's not ever and there is ANY sane way that can be rectified, it's gotta be. (Obviously it's a different story if one of you is deployed etc.)

PS Tofulish and littlebear, you are both great parents. Your kids didn't get that awesome on their own.

And so he stayed out until midnight for the wake and is now sick. So of course we can't do anything as a family today and its yet another week that he can't take her because of course him being sick trumps everything else.

And he thinks I am a huge bisque and uncaring mother for not wanting to spend every minute with her.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

And so he stayed out until midnight for the wake and is now sick. So of course we can't do anything as a family today and its yet another week that he can't take her because of course him being sick trumps everything else.

And he thinks I am a huge bisque and uncaring mother for not wanting to spend every minute with her.

Did he really say that to you? Aside from the misogyny, it's pretty hypocritical coming from someone who is apparently willing to spend hours and days away from his baby for unnecessary things.

_________________"One time I meant to send a potential employer a resume, but I accidentally sent them a bucket of puke!

I think you have mentioned that you guys are in therapy, I would definitely take this up when you have your next appointment.

Nate and I were having similar issues, him wanting to do his thing and I wasn't getting alone time or time to clean, etc. anyway, we came to an agreement that each week/end we talk beforehand and tell the other one the things we wish to accomplish that week, we then agree on a schedule. Of course sometimes other things come up, but it helps us to prioritize and we both get a feeling of accomplishment.

I don't knowif that helps at all, but it sounds like you guys are in a rut. I hope he realizes how selfish he is being and starts to help you out more and that he starts being a better father to Leela.

Mr T has had a highgrade fever since Friday, and has been in bed more or less the entire time. Today, again, "too sick to go to work" (and other work-related duties, such as bringing the kid to and from school, etc). But yet, amazingly, not sick enough to go to the forking doctor. So again, I need to cancel clients to drive the 30m to pick up the kid, bring the kid with me to the clients I go to (factory consults, she will have to sit in the car for an hour), carry around 500 bags with all our shiitake, realize that she has to eat regularly so somehow squeeze in lunch somewhere..... Kid will miss her math tutoring again (as she did on Friday). Grumble.

really, now, go to the goddamn doctor!!! I actually said (with visions of My Mother Angry, a blue-moon phenomenon that is enough to give you nightmares) this morning "if you haven't gone to the doctor by the time i get home tonight, don't bother coming home" - which not only makes absolutely no logistical sense, but is also the kind of Harpy Housewife-speak that i hate to even hear, let alone hear coming out of my own mouth.

Urgh! I can't even imagine how frustrated you are right now, especially by having to leave FC in the car and have her miss a tutoring session.

Brett being sick doesn't directly impact our kid at the moment.

But, he is still paying $95 a session to the acupuncturist who is telling him to cut out all sugar and grain to relieve the inflammation, and at the same time eating an Entemann's cake or box of donuts every night. I know he is doing it for comfort and is under stress, and I can't change it, so I don't say anything. And its a bit scary that his cough isn't getting any better.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Do his acupuncturist and energyworker know that he has this spot? They should be telling him to get it checked out by a medical professional. If they are really telling him that he is fine and has nothing to worry about, that's completely unethical for them to do. There are a lot of great things that acupuncture and energywork can do, but ruling out a cancer diagnosis is definitely not one of them, and no responsible practitioner would make a statement like that without a doctor's confirmation! On the other hand, if he does have a cancer diagnosis or if it turns out to be something else, his other healing practitioners can help him a lot better if they know about it!

_________________Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnationblog!FB!

OMFG. Mr T has a massive urinary tract infection (with no peepee symptoms, to be crude, so no reason to suspect it). Like, severe enough that the only reason he's not in the hospital is that i sent him to the private urgent care clinic (no associated hospital, but fast scheduling) instead of the public clinic (associated hospital). Apparently we've all had some sort of strep exposure (FC had a strange allergic reaction last week, looked like the scarlet fever rash but no scarlet fever symptoms- doctor called it classic strep rash, very scary). He's taking his cipro and supposedly should feel better in 24 hours. Scary business, glad he finally went and can't imagine if he had waited another day. and UTI, holy forking crepe. his pain is all in his back, poor kid.anyway, FC has been a super duper helpful kiddo today. Bribing her with Chinese food for lunch surely helped a lot.

Do his acupuncturist and energyworker know that he has this spot? They should be telling him to get it checked out by a medical professional. If they are really telling him that he is fine and has nothing to worry about, that's completely unethical for them to do. There are a lot of great things that acupuncture and energywork can do, but ruling out a cancer diagnosis is definitely not one of them, and no responsible practitioner would make a statement like that without a doctor's confirmation! On the other hand, if he does have a cancer diagnosis or if it turns out to be something else, his other healing practitioners can help him a lot better if they know about it!

Thank you for posting this. I think that the acupuncturist should be telling him that he can't be seen until he goes to see a doctor.

_________________A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-DubDessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. FezzaYou people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!

OMFG. Mr T has a massive urinary tract infection (with no peepee symptoms, to be crude, so no reason to suspect it). Like, severe enough that the only reason he's not in the hospital is that i sent him to the private urgent care clinic (no associated hospital, but fast scheduling) instead of the public clinic (associated hospital). Apparently we've all had some sort of strep exposure (FC had a strange allergic reaction last week, looked like the scarlet fever rash but no scarlet fever symptoms- doctor called it classic strep rash, very scary). He's taking his cipro and supposedly should feel better in 24 hours. Scary business, glad he finally went and can't imagine if he had waited another day. and UTI, holy forking crepe. his pain is all in his back, poor kid.anyway, FC has been a super duper helpful kiddo today. Bribing her with Chinese food for lunch surely helped a lot.

I'm so glad he got to the doctor. My UTI's always make my back ache long before the other symptoms.

_________________A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-DubDessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. FezzaYou people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!

I hope Mr T is on the mend soon, and that Brett sorts everything out with his health as well.

So lately my husband has been working crazy insane hours and is under a lot of work stress due to things not going as planned. His job isn't in jeopardy or anything, and a lot of the stuff is beyond his control, but it means he has to make a tight schedule work around whatever goes wrong and it's not easy.

Anyway, he tries very hard to stay calm and not go off on people at work, but keeping his emotions in check all day (as is professional and appropriate, really) means that he comes home and lets off steam. This makes it hard for him to be patient with a very active 1-yo or her hapless mother, the heroine of the story. I doubt anyone has a solution to this, it's just been tough lately, that's all. It's really easy to tell him he shouldn't take it out on me, but I partly do feel like better me than his subordinates. I can't wait until things get a little calmer for him.

For the past year or two, H has been eating nonvegan foods at school and with friends. And by nonvegan foods it is candy and sweets. H is 11 1/2 now and I'm not going to push the vegan 100% of the time with him anymore. Would I like him to stay vegan, yes, am I going to make it a fight - no. My husband feels different. He thinks that I'm caving. For me, H is doing what kids do, they start to go more towards their friends and pull away from their parents.

A few weeks ago, I had a talk with my husband. Asking for us to make a compromise as a family. What I thought we agreed to was this - H could make his own decisions when it came to food when he wasn't with us. We won't have the food in our home. We won't pay for nonvegan foods. If he wants to buy food (candy) with his friends, he can use his allowance. H was happy that he was given some freedom. Now jump forward to last night, I found chocolate on H's notebooks/school work, I asked him to clean it off. I wasn't going to get into what kind of chocolate, I just wanted him to clean up the mess. But my husband decided it was time to talk about H not being a vegan anymore and that he caved. It was intense. I guess more adult discussions need to happen.

I'm not quite clear on what happened between your husband and H, but I definitely agree that shaming and blaming isn't going to be useful and that letting H explore his own choices is probably better for him, your relationship with him and him being vegan in the future, once he leaves your home.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Tofulish - the argument about H caving (husband's words) all happened in front of H. Husband was giving H mad looks and making sure H knew Dad/my Husband was upset with him. I physically had to block H from Husband's view so H wouldn't get the "glare" from his dad. Meanwhile the four year old is soaking all of this in. Too much.

It's so frustrating. I was so relieved thinking we had come to an agreement as a couple/parents and as a family. But after last night, we obviously haven't. In a few years, we will have bigger battles (drugs, sex, being safe out in the world without us, etc). Veganism is not the battle I want to have with my kids.