More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “chosen child” sets the child up to feel special. Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”

I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her. If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it. If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.

And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.” Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.

I send you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it everyday. You can, too.

I am frustrated by the inference here that emotional incest is primarily something that occurs between a mother and son. I am a 50 year old woman whose mother, a victim of incest for multiple years, is just fully understanding the cause of all my feelings of being emotionally smothered by my mother. Bottom line is that either parent can commit emotional incest; it is not just moms to sons.

My Mother In Law has told me lies about my husband. She has even told me to leave him because he was too young to get married. He's 28 Years old. She refuses to come to family functions. She didn't come to my bridal shower. When my husband & I are around her he withdrawls physical contact and starts arguments. Some thing just doesn't feel right about their relationship. She says 'burn baby burn,' when his zipper is down. She saiys it's an inside joke. She lies about her health to get his attention. I've been with my husband for 8 years, and she has been telling him she's dying the whole 8 years. What should I do? When I mentioned that she works 12 hr tripple shifts and doesn't seem sick when she goes on vacations. He states I'm trying to get between them. I love him & I'm concerned she is going to keep trying to sabatoge our marriage. HELP!!

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Most importantly; have you asked his mother why she didnt come to your functions such as the shower? Are you sure she didnt have a really good reason? I laughed when I read the 'burn baby burn', because my parents had code words also when our zippers were down. Are you mentioning this because you are taking offense to that phrase? Because "burn baby burn" is the #1 disco song, which brings back great memories for me. I'm not sure if I understand that part; but it looks like you are looking at small things that doesnt seem hurtful. Maybe that could be a reason why your husband thinks you dont approve of his mother. But you say you have been with him for 8 years. Has she ever disrespected you or tried to not help you two in the past? The marriage is between the two of you. You must have been alone without him when she told you to leave him. I assume she didnt help pay for the wedding, talk coldly to you for the past 8 years, and secretly pulled you aside to tell you to leave you husband? I've been married for years and lost one of my husbands. Make sure you dont dwell on the small things. Its easy to lose a mans heart. Us as women, especially today's young women still have the curse of not listening following their husbands. Support him in everything he does. Even if you dont like it. For he will respect, trust and love you more than you could ever imagine if you do. Trust me; I have made that mistake. All parents love and miss their children and try to make excuses to be around them. You should contact his mother and have a face to face with her. But make sure you support him. 8 years is a very long time.

My husbands ex wife is doing this to their son right now. She clings to him emotionally and makes the 9 year old child make household decisions because its all too much for her. She still claims abandonment is the problem and begs my husband to come home. When he reminds her he has a new life she retreats with their son and tells him Daddy left "us". see how he hurts mommy. See what he has done.. leaving us all alone. The child calls for her and asks for money and tells his father Mommy needs you to call. This child has no life and isnt allowed to leave the home with his father. He refuses to go anywhere because it will hurt mommy.We need help.

I am living a nasty example of this. My husband's father died young and he became the new husband and son of my mother-in-law. Even after seven years of marriage, and two years of marriage counselling, his clothes and belongings are still in his mom's house. She cooks all his meals, gives him cuddles, washes his shirts. I barely see him 20 minutes a day, because he goes to her upon waking, then to night work, at back to hers afters. I guess he slips into bed at 'my place' around two. All his documents are registered at his mother and he has never let me in on finances, so that even his death insurance has his mother as the beneficiary. Sometimes he even calls me by his mother's nickname. Therapy isn't helping. Is this some type of abuse/neglect? With a rough childhood and mental health issues I had never witnessed a proper marriage example. I was ill when I met him so just accepted it as better than nothing. But, how can there be intimacy? The counsellor says he has narcissistic traits. I am afraid of how he will react when/if I decide to leave. I know he will run back to his mommy. I just can't think of another woman that would put up with this but he makes me feel so guilty. Any advice, feedback, personal examples would be appreciated. Can someone like him change? How long would it take and what would he need to realize?

With the benefit of hindsight, I suffered from emotional incest as a child. My father was too distant from my mother - worrying about his own mother - and so my mother relied on me too much as an emotional prop. After I went to University and left home, she would still phone me daily.After I married, she still phoned daily even when I asked her to stop it.My marriage was on the rocks.Three things happened to save my marriage, my life and my sanity.1. I moved to the US from Europe for work. The timezones made it more difficult for her to phone me.2. I read two books: Susan Murray's “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” (which is brilliant) and "Toxic Parents" (which is also brilliant).3. I had therapy for a year with a counsellor/therapist who believed that my wife and I would be good for each other. And he was right - but it took a year to get there.In the end I had no choice but to break off all relationships with my parents. A tough choice, but the only one. And it saved my sanity, my marriage and my health.

Gosh where do I start? I apologize in advance - INSANITY cannot be best described in 4 sentences or less.

PART 1

18 years of marriage and I never realized there was a name for this. "EMOTIONAL INCEST"

Although I'm finally in 'relief' mode, much of my life has been a true living nightmare when it came to my motherinlaw. She basically RAN my husbands world thus mine as well. Along the years, I've found my own coping skills but really, the level of her control and manipulation tactics were very abusive. I have to own and face that I tolerated being abused. NOTHING about that is ok! No one should allow themselves to be abused by someone else. Hindsight is 20/20

Back to my point. The spiritual being I am, I don't advocate for divorce even when things seem impossible, I lived in agony (albeit it was MY choice to stay in this marriage). Trying to sort out the dynamics between my husband, his mom and why he had a very disproportionate attachment to protecting her and not at all me (in any given moment). He was HER protector, not mine. It caused me endless nights of crying myself to sleep. On the whole, he's a good man who's provided for me and the children. The rest was beyond sickening how she controlled every moment of his life and he had no spine to stand up to her.

Early last year, MIL pulled her usual "give me attention because I'm sick" antics with 1 exception. This time she feigned cancer. I say feigned because it turned out to be 1 huge lie.

We now live far away (5 hour plane ride) for the past 2 years, that much I'm thankful for.

Much of what was purported to be going on with her health were eventually discovered to be all fabrication in attempts to get my husband to take a prolonged time off his career, tend to her needs and find a way to permanently drive a wedge in our marriage. I since found out she CHOOSE this opportunity because she heard there were some issues in our marriage. No doubt those issues were HER!

For whatever reason, at the last minute before plans were finalized for him to take off 3 months of work and basically leave me and the kids much of that time - to be a caregiver for his dying mom - he decided to basically demand to talk to her oncologist to get a few answers. Something wasn't sitting right with him and whatever she did or didn't tell him.

With a bunch of resistance on her part that seemed overly odd to him - he started to ask around and found out that she never had cancer and much to most of her extended families surprise, they were unaware of any illness on her part.

He confronted his mother but was very clever how he proceeded. (I guess he learned a thing or two about manipulation). He told her things had to be on hold for a few weeks due to unforeseen events at work but he's coming to care for her. He reassured her, all the while recording her conversations, documenting information in a journal and gently asking her the same questions over and over (in a variety of different ways).

To his dismay - all on his own- he realized how much he was being played and lied to. The shocking reality that overcame him (with grief) was something I never saw in him. He knew after a couple of weeks - what a pawn he was in her life. How much she manipulated and lied and how exceedingly skilled she was at doing it!

Needless to say, he gave her the biggest send off any INSANE motherinlaw has ever received. He changed our numbers, even our cell numbers. All mail that came at Christmas was returned promptly unopened in a NEW envelope stating again his wishes were to never contact us in any way ever again.

He wrote her and everyone else in his family detailed letters and provided a play by play to everyone - exposing her for the sick beast she is. Told them all that there is never going to be any contact ever again. When his equally mentally-ill super-religious cousin got our new home number (sneakily mind you) through an old mutual friend of ours... called my husband repeatedly to 'explain' on behalf of his aunt / my husbands mom - he (My husband) threatened him with the police if he was ever to call us again.

Needless to say SILENCE TRULY IS GOLDEN.

My husband took it a step further. In November he started to see a counselor 2x's per week and invited me into the sessions a couple of weeks back. He told me how wrong he was. How much he realized how his support and alignment had always been with his mother and not me, his wife - as God intended. Leave n Cleave. To support me, stand by me and stand up for me. He's weeding through years of newly found guilt within him how he betrayed me, my love, and not being there for me. Guilt I'd rather he not feel as he is deeply remorseful for his actions. Not stopping his mothers abusive ways, manipulative tactics. Furthermore, he's confessed that when he's gone home to mama in the past, she (mama) encouraged & enabled him to visit an old flame in the same town - because hey, whats the harm in 'visiting' right? . While he assures me nothing physical ever went on, he realizes he was cheating on me in tiny bits by having some emotional connection with this woman, a person he hid from me.

He allowed to have more than 1 woman in our marriage. His mother & his old flame. He promised with everything in his heart, that never again will anyone come between us.

He truly is a NEW Man. It is deeply sad it took something so sick as his mom lying about having cancer for our marriage to start healing. Yet, asking him how he feels about it all - he smiles and says he's never felt more free, happier or stress-free in many many years. He loves me deeply, bought me a new ring (which really doesn't matter to me) but as a symbol of our new love and bond. He showed me the ring and said this is a perfect circle, nothing can penetrate it. There is no opening, no room for anyone in this marriage but you and me.

Part IIII never once asked him NOT to cease all contact with his mom. It was his choice freely. When I asked him what made him decide? He said - our children. Our children spent months being sad on the phone with grandma, crying and feeling the loss that she was dying. Their emotions and what they suffered was too much for him to bear and face them when he realized it was all a lie. He knew his mom had no heart for even hurting our children in the most evil of ways. It was always about her.

I am proud of him for making those decisions and then proceeding all on his own to seek counseling to help him work through the insanity and discover what it means to be a great husband, a wonderful man. He's now the living example of what I pray our son will model his own life and marriage after!

Ask me if I'm thankful for waiting it out, not giving up or divorcing... I will tell you a 10000 times over - YES. I am eternally grateful.

Until tonight - I NEVER knew there was a name for what my husband suffered from. I do now !! Emotional Incest - perfect description.

To the one that saw her husband wake up to his mother's antics- THANK YOU. You have helped me today. I am a praying woman also, Praise the Lord Jesus. You can find more detailed info about this condition from you MIL's point of view when you research the spirit of Jezebel.

To the second wife-Ms Anonymous... the first wife is right.when she says daddy left us..What the hell is wrong with this man who leaves his wife and son for another woman. However young or sexy you may be.. he must go back beacause it is morally incorrect to leave a family ...no matter what his reasons he cites. It only shows low upbringing and bad morals when he cites personal reasons at the expense of family happiness.

She must be having a hard time dealing with this naturally. She is telling her son the right thing.. everything is not emotional incest. He is selfish one not her..

And you are not equally bad for not encouraging him to be back. Are you extremely selfish or extremely desperate? . Please leave him and ask him to go back to his first family. That is his rightful place. What were you thinking when you are breaking down a family?.

Part 1For the last 9 years of my life I've see-sawed between thinking I was crazy on one side and that my husband was having an affair with his mother on the other side. Its nice to finally have a name for it.For the last 9 years my mother in law has made my life hell. From crashing our daughters birthday parties to breaking into my home to lying about me to his friends. She's even lied about me to my mother. She changed my wedding plans behind my back on my wedding day (she didn't pay for any of it and her changes made it cost more) and that's after she called my husband first thing on our wedding day crying because he "no longer loved her". She even bought my husband and his brother matching underwear and asked them to model it for her, then turned to her daughters in law and informed them about how firm her sons upper thighs were. Seriously.

When I would talk to my husband about it (or when I would freak out and send her a nasty text message barring her from my home and life) he would say I was over reacting or didn't understand because I had had a traumatic childhood (which is true, but I spent years in therapy and dealt with it) or that she was his mother and since she was old and wouldn't change I would have to. We have never owned our own car unless she buys it. When I suggest we make a large purchase, he would say we needed to ask his mom for it. When I asked for help with the kids or the house, I was told to ask his mom. When our youngest was born in early 2013 I had to have an emergency c section and nearly died on the table. My entire stay at the hospital he swore undying love and devotion, he would make changes and I would always come first. We weren't even finished driving home from the hospital before he asked if his parents could drop by when we got home even though I had spent the last 9 months telling him I didn't want anyone coming by the first week. 6 months ago I thought our relationship was going great, I was allowing my older 2 daughters to go to his mothers house twice a week (the infant stayed home with me) and I thought our relationship was fine. So when he's said we needed to talk the last thing I expected was to hear him say our relationship and marriage would never last if I couldn't learn to accept his mother.

The last 6 months have been hell. For me. I found out that for our entire marriage he has lied about me to his mother so that his relationship with her would be easier. His mother lied to my children, telling them she would taken them to Disneyworld when we had already told her no. My husband said I misunderstood. When she would force her way into our home and refuse to leave when asked (this happened several times, she even shoved past me when I was pregnant once) it was because she just wanted to see the grandkids and she's just crazy and we just need to forgive her for being crazy. She stole my oldest daughters comfort item, and my husband Saud she was old and forgetful. (No, I saw her look directly at the comfort item in a basket, look at me with her reptile eyes, and not say a word. When we called to ask her about it that night, she immediately confirmed she had it, not even a seconds pause. Who steals from their grandkids?)

But when my mother in law came into my home uninvited while our kids were with the babysitter and we were on our anniversary date, and she humiliated me by verbally abusing her husband in my home in front of my kids and my friend, that was it. I told her I knew her game and if she ever csme back to my home uninvited I would have her arrested for home invasion. Luckily me finally having a witness proved my point to my husband: your mother doesn't respect boundaries and still sees you as her baby boy.My husband says I over reacted by threatening o call the police but that he is "waking up to her manipulations" and trying to 're structure his relationship with her. But he also says I have to lesrn to let it go.Let it go?This woman has ruled and ruined My life for 9 years and my husband spent that time blaming me! To the point of telling lies on me to make me look bad and him better to his mother. What sort of man does that?I've also realised that his being emotionally closed off to me , as well as his outright aggression during disagreements, has a direct connection to his mother being verbally abusive towards his father. I feel like if I wanted to I could trace back every issue we have had straight back to his mother.I feel like he has cheated on me with his mother, maybe not physically, but emotionally? Psychologically? Regardless I feel utterly betrayed by find out about his lies, utterly betrayed that he disregarded my perception of what was happening, and utterly betrayed because his mother has always come before me in his priorities. But most of all, I'm furious that I had to go through 7 years of post partum depression and 4 miscarriages alone because my husband perceived women as being weak and always looking for ways to take advantage if men, because that's what his mother did. So he projected that on me and left me to suffer alone, even when I was begging for his help.When I tell him I need him to make up for what I perceive as a betrayal in order to start releasing some resentment and replacing it with love and trust, he tells me he can't change the past and I just need to figure out a way to get over it.That doesn't sound like remorse to me.I honestly don't know what to do. Am I over reacting? Is he the narcissist or am I? Am I crazy for feeling like my husband has been having an emotional affair with his mother for our entire marriage? Is he emotionally abusive, just like his mother?I feel like my entire world has dropped from under me this year, like the man I thought I loved was nothing more than an illusion to hide the scared 10 year old boy within him.I don't wsnt to leave him, I love him, pretty much unconditionally I guess, but I seriously do not like him right now. I think I might hate him. Besides, we have 3 young children and a good life when it doesn't involve his mother or anything too serious.What do I do?

There is NOTHING wrong with you! Don't believe for even a split second that ANY of it is your fault!

See, I too am living this nightmare..a NIGHTMARE beyond proportions! See, I too, have JUST discovered the name for this mental SICKNESS! And my goodness...a SICKNESS it is! WOW!! Where do I start?

The Plea for help

No one wanted to listen to my plea, my cry for help! The cry of a woman, a girl, somebody's sister, mother.....that was being abused both physically and mentally. I didn't know where to turn as there was a sort of "shame" that comes to turning to your own family members.

You just don't want them to know what's going on in your household. But who's gonna believe me anyway? Surely you can't be speaking of that handsome, charismatic, charming man you're with? Yes! The one and the same...except, what you guys saw, what you "see", is NOT, his "true self".

The Abuse

I turned to his mother for help! Tried to reach out and let her know what her son was doing to me, thinking maybe she can talk some sense into him. Talking to pastors of different churches did absolutely no good. I thought, surely MOM would listen (and, though it may have been excessive, well damn it, he was doing excessive things ALL OF THE TIME!!!) I remember in particular one time I called and told her he had hit me.....well, you'd think a mother response would be along the lines of: "Oh hell no, I didn't raise my son to be this way" or, "Honey, I apologize for him, do whatever you need to to protect yourself", something like that at least right? But that's not what I got! Here I am suffering from years of abuse, reaching out to his mother and receiving.... "Well, what did YOU do to provoke him"? Really? Who says that to the victim? Who in their right fucking mind victimizes the victim all over again? Accuse the victim for causing the abuse...? WHO DOES THAT?! (Yes, and though I'm slowly healing, I'm still very angry and I have a right to be, it's part of the process, so excuse the "expletives" as you will find there are quite a few thrown in for emphasis).Sorry..but your "golden child" ..... isn't who you think he is! And neither is you!!

[Trying to appeal to "mother" have fallen on deaf ears time and time again]. Nor, is "mother" helping the situation with the over excessive phone calls ( 10-20 times a **** day! Who does that? Yes, I kept count.) to him everyday damn day! Don't you know that emasculates a man? Makes him into a weak b***h? Unable to stand up to his mother so that they eventually start hating women? You don't know that?

It's like she loses it when she don't hear from him in a certain amount of time! And, the onliest time you would call my damn house is when he doesn't answer his cell phone fast enough for you! Sick! She doesn't call to speak to her "grand kids", unless he "reminds" her to, that's some crazy, weird crap! Never seen it before in my life! NEVER!! \

And she wonders why I despise her? This is something I wrestle with everyday. I ask God to help me to muster up the strength, the empathy to pray for someone like her. It's not easy. I've never had trouble loving, praying for somebody in my entire life before, like I have trying to pray for her...

He cannot be a man, the father we needed him to be to his family (yes, he HAD his own cause I'm out the door at this point!) with "mother constantly treating him like that! She have placed him on a pedestal that he cannot live up to! Hell, nobody can! That is insane and will cause one to go insane if that's all they knew as a child. Can you imagine what a surprise growing up in that mind frame (I can do no wrong) and finding out that the world and everybody in it, is NOT gonna bend to you at will?! That you WILL be held accountable for your actions and, "mommy" can't get you out of that one, and this one, and that something, and this something time and time again? "Mother Dearest"......YOU DID THAT!!

You have placed your "golden child" on GOD'S THRONE honey!! Get him off!! Wrong seat!! Take him down and place him at the feet of JESUS where you BOTH belong!! Where we ALL belong! You-have-made-your-son-your-idol! And dear....you know full well what HE said:Exodus 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.Exodus 20:4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:Exodus 20:5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.

Unto the third and fourth generation! How long has your family been dysfunctional? Generations right? And here you are raising another dysfunctional adult! A child you worship more than YOUR GOD!!Woman, somebody got to stand up and tell you the truth before it's too late! Don't look at your sickness in defeat, look at it as another opportunity to get your heart RIGHT WITH GOD! To say "I'm saved" is not enough! Those are just words my dear, we must live it out, act it out, every single day! And you, YOU have been given another chance. Take these words for what you may....But it's all coming to a "head" pretty soon...I see it, I live it. I don't wish at all, but it's inevitable! The sleeping ("depression") is lasting a whole lot longer than I've ever seen in years. 19 plus hours of sleeping a day? And, the "rage" is getting nastier and nastier over time. You seem to enjoy it when he calls you on the phone calling me a b****, you never correct him! NEVER!! But as I said before.. It's called projection for a reason, it ain't me who he hates (you'll figure it out soon enough, but then again, maybe not). But I hope you will and soon en-light of your recent diagnosis of Stage-4 Ovarian cancer of the rare form, with metastasis to the lungs and lymph nodes. I hope you fight(for all the right reasons)and pray with all your might that God so see fit to grant you mercy and a change of heart before that final day that is fast approaching!

This is where the buck stops!! The train has pulled up to my station of destination and WE'RE GETTING OFF! Me and my three precious gifts from above. I've found my answers to all the questions I've had for the past 11 plus years. It helps to have a name to the "many faces"...it's called Malignant Narcissism of the highest order!! It's a face that is vain, a false sense of beauty, one that lies, cheats, manipulates, self-centered, haughty, think highly of itself, unempathetic, jealous, envious...... everything that GOD is not! EVIL, point blank period. And, it's all done by the person sleeping in your bed, that have fathered your children! A person that attends church with you, mind you, portraying a united front till you come home and the front door closes!Such that was passed down and/or inherited through those that literally made "their" (the narcissist) bed! A bed that I REFUSE TO LAY IN ANY FURTHER! Passed down from generation to generation. All in the corrupted family has a role...some are the "flying monkeys", "scapegoat", "golden child. And they ALL need to get help while they're still breathing! For there's no forgiveness in the grave..IT STOPS HERE WITH MY CHILDREN! We never asked for any of this. Never saw it coming. If someone had written such a script and told me that I would live this..I would have looked at them like they're out of their blasted minds! But this is no script, no joke! This is my real life story! And......this is also my ending. Nobody have to like it, frankly...I don't myself. But it's my truth! The one that I lived/living! Hurt tremendoulsy, but I'm healing, one day at a time. Thanks be to GOD, I also have the oppoortunity while STILL YOUNG and vibrant to re-write one [a new story] of my choosing. One filled with love, kindness and respect from one to another.Yes, I am aware the truth hurts at times, but somebody has got to be willing to EXPOSE the evil that's living within certain members of these dysfuntional people (can't even call it a family)! Expecially now when the curtains about to fall [narcissistic mother is diagnosed with end stage lV, a malignant form of ovarian cancer].

All I can do is continue to try to pray, yes despite it all, we pray for those that spitefully hurt us...even though it's super difficult. Not so much for healing, but that God in His infinite greatness, would seek to have mercy on their souls, on her soul! Next stop for me and mines, among the land of the living!!Cause, what the devil meant for evil....God will turn it around for good!! I, WE serve an awesome God!! A RISEN SAVIOUR!! ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!! Thank you Lord for life, for leading me out of the path of destruction, amen.

Signed... I know who you are

(end of letter)

To those of you living this and/or have lived this, my advice: GET OUT! And seek therapy for yourselves and children (if any is involved). Please stay strong and protect yourselves, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.