I’m…er…uh…Kinda Sorta Sorry

You know, over the course of time I’ve been pretty hard on the Baptist Identity Boyz. I’ve accused them of being girlish. I’ve implied they are fundamentalists. I’ve called them theologically wishy-washy and have indicated that their status as vertibrates is in question. But it is time that I make some sort of apology for all of this. Emphasis on the “some sort of.”

You see, I’ve simply been passing along high-level insider information that I’ve received from BI headquarters. I’m not the culprit here. An unnamed source who is on the official BI payroll announced all of these things and more at a recent public meeting. In fact, this source indicated that certain BI proponents wear women’s underpants and subscribe to Oprah on iTunes. It is further reported that a substantial amount of their income is spent on hair care products (certain of the hairless variety being the exception).

However, it appears that I may have been duped. Used as a shill.

Thus, I want to be up front and honest concerning my motives so that others may avoid the unfortunate pitfalls to which I’ve succumbed.

I’ve written what I’ve written because:

1. My super high-confidential-already-in-a-witness-protection-program source is totally true and trustworthy. I mean, generally speaking this guy’s the Bible. He’s an atomic clock. Steady as a sunrise. Who knew he was going to go all Jayson Blair on me?

2. Because these things have been so easy to believe. Come on. You tell me one look at Rosie O’Worley won’t convince you that she wears women’s underpants. Or that Yippee Goldstein isn’t an Oprah fan. Or that Peter Lamekin’s mullet isn’t held firmly in place with the aid of a little Miss Clairol.

3. Because this is important stuff right here. If these guys are running around in bustiers then someone owes Madonna a serious apology. If Oprah is becoming a multi-bazillionaire through Baptist Identity contributions then someone owes Lottie Moon a serious apology. And if these guys are invertibrates then someone owes invertibrates a serious apology.

However, it now appears that all of that information is potentially wrong. It appears that I may have given the ninth commandment a hairline fracture. So let me say that I’m kinda sorta sorry.

I want to apologize to Victoria’s Secret for besmirching their good reputation of clothing only swimsuit supermodels and emaciated manequines with their fine line of undergarments.

I want to apologize to The View for the implication that their brand of fundamentalism might require capitalization.

And I want to apologize to the Miss Clairol line. Who knew mulletts look like that all on their own?