Thursday, July 26, 2012

I really like this top. I just got it fairly recently as Jules and I traveled around California. We visited several second hand stores. I picked this up at one of them. I think I picked it up from Black and Brown. This is a very nice second hand store in San Jose, CA. Jules and I liked it so much that we had to go move the car which we initially had parked in a 30 minute zone.

Being as my arms are a fairly manly feature that I possess I appreciate that this top covers them entirely; it even covers my hands! It is really out of my clothing comfort zone. One of the things that I try to do, especially at second hand stores, is to try on things that I would not normally try. It is amazing how different clothes look on your body versus on the hanger. Often, when I am not thinking about going out of my comfort zone, I will tend to purchase the same types of clothes that I already own. That becomes boring and monotonous and I get tired of my clothes, new or old. By going out of y comfort zone and pushing myself I feel as though I am always updating my look and getting more usefulness out of all of the clothes that I own.

Friday, July 20, 2012

While driving to the campground for a few days of camping with our friends I pictured our friend A asking me about my fingernails. If you have read my blog some you may already know that I frequently having my fingernails painted even while in guy mode. I often get questions about them and I generally simply tell people that I like to have them painted. This response seems to be the most direct and the one that people accept. But I had a feeling that response might not be enough for A.

When I had initially considered coming clean with her I thought that maybe should would not appreciate my total honesty, but the more that I thought about it the more I realized I was once again placing my own fears upon her and in the process was discounting her.

So I was not very surprised when during that first night of camping together, after many, many, drinks she said "Okay, I have had enough to drink and I need to ask, what is up with the nails?" A and I have known each other four about four years and during that time she has never asked about my nails. But within the last year or so A and her husband B and Jules and I have been becoming better friends. This camping trip we were on was the first big thing we have done with them.

In anticipation of this question of hers, which I knew was coming, I gave her the response I had come up with: "The short answer is - I like to paint them." Her response: "And the long answer is..." Me: "The long answer is uh..." I had anticipated her question and had come up with a response, and I knew I was going to tell her the full truth, but when I looked for the words they were absent. Here I was, in a campground, with Jules, A, and B, and I was about to admit to who I know I am, but I was scared shitless.

I said "Well, before I tell you the long answer I will let you know that I have never said this to anyone except for Jules, my sister, my long time friend B, and anyone who has read my blog." She and B just stood around the roaring fire pit and listened while I stumbled to find the courage to admit who I am. Finally after many stammering attempts I said "There are times when I like to fully dress as a woman." Both she and B said "Oh." in a very nonjudgmental manner. Maybe they said something else, but honestly at that point I had dissociated so much that I am unsure as to what they actually said. I do know that it didn't phase them at all. I went on "From what I understand this just happens to be who I am, just like being heterosexual or homosexual, this is the way that I was born and it is something that I have always been drawn to do.

The best way that I could sum up their response was that they said "Hmm, okay, cool." From there the conversation traveled on to different topics. The moment had come and gone and the world didn't end. Life went on and I never got a moments notice that they had suddenly found out I was a freak that they no longer wanted to hang out with. In all reality it was extremely uneventful. The camping trip continued. We did all sorts of activities and all four of us, and their two year old daughter, all agreed that we had an excellent time hanging out with each other and that we needed to do it again.

That is about it, oh except for a few other details. One being that A and Jules and I all work together. Another being that A has always presented herself as a lady, a very conservative lady. (Which I found out during the trip isn't actually true. She presents a very lady like image at work but actually is very open minded and adventurous in life.) Another is that I felt as though Jules was actually more terrified of me admitting what I like to do to them. Another is that while my retelling had more to do with telling A that I am a cross dresser, in reality it was the first time I told another guy that I hang out with, her husband B, that I cross dress.

So far, it was a complete and total non-incident. They didn't skip a beat, and never once treated me any differently due to my response. Except for maybe they seemed to respect me more for being willing to be honest and our friendship appears to be much stronger for my admission.

Once again I will tell any of you out there that have taken the time to read this that it is out own internal fears that keep us alone. There really is something to be said for being true to ourselves and to others.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

These outfits were from 7/10. I wore the top outfit driving. We were travelling around California still during these pictures. I chose this particular outfit to be comfortable on the drive but also to be comfortable while shopping. During this particular leg of our trip we were going to be stopping by an outlet mall and I wanted something easy to take on and off in the dressing room. The bottom outfit was a new one that I picked up at the mall.

I wanted to mention that while I do quite a bit of shopping I hardly ever buy things at retail prices. One of my favorite things to do is to shop at outlet malls. If you have not done that yet, I highly recommend it.

Top - Guess

Skirt - Guess

Shoes - Life Stride

Top - Guess

Tank - Guess

Pants - L.E.I

Shoes - Converse

These two outfits were from 7/11. The top outfit is pretty much the same as the previous days but I did change the shoes. Does that make for a whole new outfit? I don't know. That might be cheating. What do you think? I'm not sure. But shoes do change how an outfit looks. They can dress up and an outfit or dress it down. The picture itself was taken at a pool I used to swim at as a kid. I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, I probably have, but I spent about 8 years of my childhood swimming, year round. So this pool was kind of important for me. I like how I got a picture of while I was there dressed as a girl.

The bottom outfit was what I wore out that evening. I already posted a picture and blog about that night. It was when we decided to go to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. It was a fun evening but a little chilly. I enjoyed the outfit I chose to wear as it was very appropriate for the evening.

I'm still unable to get to my blog to post comments for another couple of days, just so you know.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Do you like the shoes? I do. They are new and you can't see it in the picture, but the insides are lined with pink. I purchased them from the Converse outlet store in Gilroy, CA. Which is a great place to shop BTW. I think they will be great girl shoes that I can also wear while dressed as a boy. Which I think will be cool.

Okay, so a refresher about what my challenges for July are: 1 - two outfits per day - and use them to create an outfit binder 2 - do my eye makeup everyday - documented in the outfit binder 3 - practice putting on eyeliner everyday - documented in the outfit binder 4 - exercise every morning and every night 5 - a compromise with smoking cigarettes - no smoking before 8 pm and then only 1 - 5 times

How have I done?
1 - done, and actually more than I said I would. I have not posted them all yet, but I will get there eventually.
2 - Yes done. I have not kept up on my documenting as well as I would like to. I took pictures, but some days I did not write down what I put on.
3 - Yes, done, but with the same concerns about #2
4 - Nope. I have lost track, but I think I have exercised at least once each day.
5 - Nope, I've smoked less, but not to the extent that I would like to.

The last time I updated my blog about this I mentioned that I started using Wellbutrin. I am no longer doing that. I did it the way my dr recommended and was fine until I got up to two pills per day. At that point my stomach revolted. It took me a few days to determine that the Wellbutrin was the problem, but I figured it out and stopped. My dr said, yea that might happen. So that did not work for me. I think when I go for quitting agin I will do it as I have in the past. In the past I really just will myself to do it and I have. Eventually I have started again, but oh well. Wellbutrin sucks in my opinion, of course I was taken the generic form though.

Thrilling I know. So this post and the next few were written on Sunday, 7/15 but I have scheduled it to post later. I am trying this out as I will be unable to get to my blog within the next few days or so. I will publish any comments when I can.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The above outfits were from 7/7. The shorts I am wearing are actually quite short. I feel as though they are a little too short for me to be comfortable in, so I have added the pair of black shorts to them. The black shorts are a Spanx like garment. The add a little extra to the length of the shorts and help me to feel more confident in them. Out of the two outfits from this day I prefer the second one.

Black Top - Mossimo

Blue Tank - Mossimo

Shorts - Charlotte Russe

Shoes - Areosoles

White Top - Converse One Star

Belt - ?

Blue Tank - Mossimo

Shorts - Charlotte Russe

Shoes - Areosoles

The above two outfits are from 7/8. In the bottom picture I have owned that white top for a couple of years but I don't think I have ever worn it. Then it occurred to me, get a belt! So I got the wide belt I am wearing, and it really helps to define my waist. This really helps to give the shirt some shape and create more curves.

Top - Guess

Tank - Mossimo

Belt - ?

Skirt - Guess

Shoes - New York Transit

Necklace - Target

Tank - Mossimo

Dress - Guess

Shoes - New York Transit

The above outfits were from 7/9. The top outfit was what I wore out to wine tasting. The picture was taken in one of the wineries that we visited. It is very similar to the outfit from the day before, except that it is a different shirt. But the belt helps this shirt to also have good shape.

The bottom outfit was what I wore out to dinner that evening. I had purchased it earlier in the day at a consignment shop. If you have not gone to a good consignment shop it is time for you to go. You can find some great clothes, at great prices, and shop owners that are more than willing to assist you with whatever you need. I tried on the dress and purchased it. Once I brought it back I looked to see who made it, and surprise, surprise, it is made by Guess. Go figure. Anyways, I really like it. You can't see in the picture but it has zippers on the shoulders of it that add a nice little edge to it.

That is all for now. I have much to update. More outfits to catch up with posting, and an update to my July Challenges.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

This evening I returned from a trip being out and about while dressed as Nadine for the past four days. Jules and I traveled around Cali going to a variety of places. Last night we found ourselves in Santa Cruz.

We pulled in at about four o'clock and were happy to check in and get out of the car. We ended up hanging out in the hotel for a few hours. We weren't really planning on going to the coast and so we didn't have a large variety of warm clothes to wear, but I was happy with what I decided to wear.

The real highlight of this evening though was twofold. One was being out among the huge crowd of people down on the boardwalk. It happened to be that Santa Cruz shows movies on the beach on Wednesday nights, so the place was extra full. We didn't really have any plans for dinner so we decided to just walk along and eat whatever piqued our interest. Needless to say we ended up eating some overpriced fair like food. But the crowds were huge! There were so many people walking along out there. It was quite fun! I generally don't like crowds, along with Jules, but while being dressed it was quite enjoyable.

Normally while being out and about I try my best to just do me and not even look at people. Last night though I was totally watching as many people as I could look at. I tell you what, down in Santa Cruz, out of the thousands of people we encountered, I got about 2 or 3 stares. And that was about it. Other than that we encountered plenty of very polite and nice people.

The second highlight of the night was playing video games, skee-ball, and pinball while dressed as Nadine. I am pretty sure I have never done that before. I even got to play my favorite game, Galaga! I really had a very fun time.

It was very enjoyable returning to a place that Jules and I had spent quite a bit of time as teens when we were first dating.

I have been a little behind in postings and updates but I will try and get to that tomorrow.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

A little bit ago, a few weeks maybe, I decided to email an old friend and share with her that I am a cross dresser. I am not 100% sure what compelled me to do so but there were many things that I know influenced me. One big one is that I have been lurking over at her facebook page and watching her push herself to do all sorts of things. It has been very inspiring.

I emailed her my link and gave her a little heads up on what my blog is all about. I wasn't sure what to expect. Honestly, I was thrilled and yet terrified. It really has nothing to do with who this person is, it had to do with me and my own fears. Before this I had only disclosed my cross dressing to my wife, obviously, and to my sister. And even telling my sister I was terrified!

Well my friend, B, was an amazing person to share myself with. Here is a little of what she wrote back to me: "I so acknowledge and celebrate you sharing this with me! That took a lot of guts and I applaud you!"

Wow, what a great response! I was so very touched by her kind and caring words. It made me cry a little I was so touched.

I just thought I would share a little with you all about this to hopefully inspire you to face your fears. You never know what might happen, but odds are all of the horrible negative things you think will happen, never will. You will probably be pleasantly surprised at what the world will send back at you.

The above outfits were for Thursday 7/5. Personally I don't really like either choice. I think they look okay, but I have issues with how they both look. I like all the items individually, but I am not so sure about them together. I have been pushing myself to try and find some tops that look good while tucked in. So far I still am struggling to fill this gap in my wardrobe. But it is interesting in taking these pictures, it is helping me to find gaps in my wardrobe and hopefully I will find something to fill it soon.

Shoes - Life Stride

Skirt - Loft

Tank - Loft

Shoes - Life Stride

Skirt - Loft

Tank - Mossimo

White Top - Myth NYC

This skirt exemplifies some of the problems associated with sizing. The skirt is a size 4. Can you imagine, a size 4? I am a man and I am fitting in a size 4 skirt? When I took the skirt into the dressing room, I originally took a size 12. Skirt after skirt I went down and down in sizes until I ended up fitting in this one comfortably, at which point I realized it is a size 4. So people, try on your clothes. Don't just go by a size on a label.

In these two picture from Friday 7/6 the top picture shows what I look like with a spaghetti strap tank. I often feel as though that type of top exaggerates the width of my shoulders as well as the bulkiness of my arms. What do you think? Do you wear things that allow your shoulders and arms to be clearly seen? Jules keeps telling me that many girls have arms the same size as mine. I keep telling her that I know, but most do not have the muscle definition that I have.

What do you do about your shoulders and arms? Do you show them off or try and keep them hidden?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

These are two of my outfits from July 2nd. I have been trying something new for some outfit pictures; I have been changing one piece of my outfit. This has been interesting in pushing me to see different ways of being able to wear my items. I think both outfits are nice but I really like the skirt in the lower picture. Yes I know, you have seen it quite a bit by now.

Next...

Top - Guess

Skirt - Loft

Shoes - White String

Necklace - From a Winery

Top - Guess

White Tank - Mossimo

Skirt - Loft

Shoes - White String

Necklace - From a Winery

These outfits were from the third of July. The necklace that I am wearing is not prominently displayed in the photos but I wanted to try and wear it. I really like it, but I don't know if I have ever worn it out. I hate when my stuff languishes away hidden in some drawer. So I put it on and I think it looks good. Can you tell, it matches my shoes?

Next...

Dress - Mossimo

Necklace - thrifted

bracelt - thrifted

Shoes - Connie

Dress - Mossimo

Necklace - thrifted

bracelt - thrifted

Shoes - Connie

Scarf - JC Penny

These outfits were from the 4th of July. I am so happy about this dress. It resembles very closely a dress that I threw away during my one purge about 10 to 15 years ago. And it is also my one and only LBD. I have not had one since I threw the other one away. I like the addition of the scarf used as a belt in the second picture. It really helps to define my skinny waist. Because honestly, even with being in pretty good shape, this darn dress shows off every undesirable part. The scarf really helps smooth things out.

So far I have done fairly well, but I feel bad about the smoking and missing two of my exercise times. I will tell you that things were going well but then my wife, who has decided she would like be called Jules on my blog, was really struggling with quitting and we had a relationship meltdown. Unfortunately that happens more often than either of us would like. But I am still pursuing quitting smoking. I have actually taken the step of talking with my doctor about it. He gave me some nicotine inhalers and prescribed Wellbutrin.

Today I took my first ever anti-depressant pill. Yup, Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant, which also happens to help people with the cravings to smoke. My wife is doing it also. We are hopeful that will also help us to get along better.

Next...

One last picture for you:

Liner - Lancome - gel liner - black fishnets

Shadow - Lancome - color design shadow - midnight rush 401

This one shows my attempt at creating a cat eye effect. I like the look. It helps to make my eye have more of an almond shape (translation - feminine.)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

This skirt is one of my all time favorites but I have no memory at all of where I purchased it. It is made out of a stretchy material, which is a mix of rayon, nylon, and spandex. The skirt is tight on me and because it pulls in at my waist and my knees it helps give the illusion of hips. I do have some small hip pads in, but not that much. I don't often choose a picture where I am standing straight on to the camera, but with this skirt I look pretty hippy in the picture above!

The top is one that I have tried to wear on several different occasions but each time I have put it on I have not been happy about how it looks. I recently got some new small inserts for my bra and they really helped make the chest portion look much better. There is something about this top that where the fabric crosses itself to make the V it kind of bunches up unless something fills it out nicely.

I was very happy being able to wear this top because it was hot today and the shirt has no sleeves. Most tops without sleeves work against somebody with wider shoulders and larger arms but because this shirt has wider straps it helps to make the shoulder area look smaller then say spaghetti straps.

Today is the 1st of July if you have not noticed. And I have decided on a few things to challenge myself on for this month: 1 - two outfits per day - and use them to create an outfit binder
2 - do my eye makeup everyday - documented in the outfit binder
3 - practice putting on eyeliner everyday - documented in the outfit binder 4 - exercise every morning and every night
5 - a compromise with smoking cigarettes - no smoking before 8 pm and then only 1 - 5 times

I think that is what I am going to go with, but I may change things a little in the next couple of days. I will try and check in with you all and update you with how it is going for me. For today, lets see:
1 - two outfits done, one of which is pictured above.
2 - done, used clinique, teddy bear four color combo
3 - done, tried liquid liner in black, looks okay
4 - done, walking, weights, yoga
5 - 1 cigarette so far, with probably one more before I go to bed. Better than the 20+ I had yesterday huh?

Alrighty, I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of my eyes from today.