Sunday, March 8, 2009

Top Ten Conservative Books of All Time

Earlier this year, Conservative Justin Quinn on About.com posted his list of the top ten conservative books that are indispensable to the novice conservative who isn't at all self-conscious about being so cynical at such a tender age.

In Quinn's list are predictable picks, such as Barry Goldwater's Conscience of a Conservative and Bernie Goldberg's Bias. Amazingly, other conservative classics such as Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged never made the grade. Either that, or Mr. Quinn decided that such shockingly brilliant and irrefutable masterpieces of conservative thought have transcended a mere "Top Ten Greatest" list and to join the works of Shakespeare, Milton and Danielle Steele (No relation to Michael).

However, all things being relative, I think it is incumbent upon everyone of all political stripes, from neoconservatives to moderate conservatives, to draw up their own list of the top ten conservative tomes of all time. And it's notable that, while Mr. Quinn also bypassed such worthy candidates such as Sean Hannity's Deliver Us From Evil, Jerome Corsi's Obama Nation and Ann Coulter's Treason, he showed a shocking lack of imagination by not including, as with the worthy Ms. Rand's canon, any fiction.

So here's my list that includes both fiction and non-fiction. Please do not note that this is a companion piece inspired by Jon Swift's 10 Best Conservative Movies. This isn't about movies.

10) The Island of Dr. Moreau

This classic book is a cautionary tale as to the dangers of animal/human hybrids we were so passionately warned about by George W. Bush in a State of the Union Address. It is also, in its subtle way, a wise warning regarding what would happen if PETA were to run amuck with billions in government bailout money.

H. G. Wells' central messages, obviously, are that science and scientists such as evolutionists, anthropologists and stem cell researchers are inherently evil and that the animal kingdom and any human foolish enough to reunite with nature must be defeated at all costs. With such a brilliant commentary on science and the uppityness of the animal kingdom, one immediately forgives the hedonistic Wells and his liberal calls for free love.

9) Confessions of an Economic Hitman

Part spy thriller, partly a joyous paean to Ayn Rand's vision of unrestrained capitalism come to hideous fruition, John Perkins' publisher perfectly captures the essence of this latter-day classic by commissioning cover art that depicts an American bald eagle shitting on the rest of the planet.

Was it reckless and even treasonous for Perkins, a free market sniper, to reveal how the United States had achieved such economic domination over the planet Earth? Perhaps. But then again, Perkins felt free to reveal such secrets because he innately knew that, even on the information superhighway, the earth's inhabitants will always be either powerless pawns or gullible naifs against the awesome and unstoppable juggernauts of multinational corporations and globalization.

8) The Bible

Not for the liberal faint of heart, the Bible is fiction to heathen leftists and nonfiction to right-thinking, God-fearing conservatives such as Fred Phelps and Mr. Adkisson. As we all know, the Bible and the word of God has a conservative bias, as is only right.

And real practitioners of the Bible, such as Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert, regularly venture back and forth from the evils of homosexuality and adultery to inform us of these evils while eshewing the turn-the-other-cheek bullshit New Testament, which was obviously a Christly sop thrown by King James to liberals, explaining its brevity compared to the gory, murderous Old Testament. Fortunately, today's leading evangelicals are smart enough to pretend that the pacifistic, anti Free Market Christ never existed.

7) Brave New World

Huxley's vision of a dystopian future, while viewed by some as on a par with Orwell's 1984, gives us a horrifying glimpse of how chaotic human society would be were it not for a rigid, genetically-engineered caste system. In fact, Huxley's Calvinistic masterpiece not only does away with abusive fathers and welfare mothers, just to be safe, he does away with the very concept of the family, the building block of the human race as well as the concept of abortion.

There are still thorny problems such as children playing games like Hunt the Zipper and promiscuity actually being a status symbol. But the two pulp figures depicted above, presumably Survivor's Richard Hatch and Jane Russell, run away from it all and they got theirs when they were eaten by New Mexico Indians or other genetically-imperfect savages. So obviously, this is also a morality tale.

6) The Anarchist Cookbook

We all know that government becomes the enemy the minute it decides things in a way that doesn't make a particular person happy. Fortunately, there's still William Powell's The Anarchist Cookbook, which has been ingeniously disguised as a liberal chestnut purportedly written by a teenaged hippie who was scared shitless about getting sent to Vietnam.

Powell's instruction manual for insurrection, which devotees such as Fred Phelps refer to as The Antichrist Cookbook, actually gives today's most passionate conservatives a starting point for defeating the government that is hell-bent to deliver us from anarchy. With such recipes for mayhem such as the making of bombs and other ways to become a minor irritant to the federal government, it was very savvy for an older, wiser Powell to disavow his classic so its revolutionary riches wouldn't be exploited by liberals, thereby remaining solely in the hands of real patriots such as Hal Turner and the late Timothy McVeigh.

5) Uncle Tom's Cabin

The book that started the Civil War and also waged war on pro-slavery Democrats, this book celebrates a free market agrarian economy in the good old antebellum days when white people were white and proud of it and black people like Topsy cheerfully acknowledged their place and lot in life. Unlike today, they had regular employment and, Dred Scott aside, were damned grateful for it.

Now that the Civil War II is gearing up and since we have Abraham Lincoln's reincarnation in the White House, we need another conservative book as that necessary spark to stir southern passions. I nominate this book by Byron York, one that uncovered yet another Democrat conspiracy that sought to enslave conservatives that had nonetheless risen above its persecuted status and, without media help, seized control of all three branches of government within this very decade.

4) Johnny Got His Gun

Disguised all these years as a pacifist masterpiece allegedly written for leftists, Dalton Trumbo's actual message still reverberates to this day even beyond the Walter Reed Army Hospital scandal: That wounded soldiers ought to be seen and not heard. Don't forget, the book gets its title from a pro-war jingle from WWI, "Johnny Get Your Gun."

The Johnny in this book is actually someone named Joe and after having lost both arms, legs and jaws, his eyes, ears and nose, Johnny is comforted by a nurse and cannot engage in liberal propaganda like Ron Kovic, who foolishly wrote an introduction to a reprint. Instead, Johnny/Joe Bonham lays in bed happily daydreaming about the peaceful but boring life he used to have, no doubt consumed with frustration that he didn't have four arms, four legs, four eyes, four jaws, four ears and another nose to give for his country.

3) Green Eggs and Ham

Dr. Seuss's classic indoctrinates children to the universal truth that diversity is counterproductive unless it is separated from mainstream society. The protagonist in this childrens' chestnut, Sam (as in Uncle Sam?), is obviously the personification of a lax Clinton-era Food and Drug Administration that no doubt would've allowed green food and perhaps even illegal, cheap Canadian pharmaceuticals into our country if allowed.

Throughout all sorts of scenarios and venues involving planes, trains and what have you, our hero steadfastly refuses to partake of the green eggs and ham, a concept as ridiculous and unsettling as interracial and gay marriage. Seuss in reality had written a different ending that involved him eventually outing Sam to the proper authorities. But his liberal publisher changed it so that our hero capitulated like a latter-day Democrat to George W. Bush.

2) The Devil's Dictionary

If a misanthrope can be defined as a promising Republican, then Bierce's masterwork certainly fits the bill. A deeply flawed book that takes pot shots at Free Market capitalism (Corporation, n. An ingenious device whereby individual profit is obtained without individual responsibility) as well as at conservatives, Bierce nonetheless displays enough of a conservative bias so that his lexicon deserves inclusion on this list.

Fortunately for today's liberals, Bierce disappeared in 1913 while experiencing a long-delayed midlife crisis by riding with Pancho Villa. Otherwise Bierce's inveighing about the evils of gluttony and pork consumption would've perfectly applied to the likes of Michael Moore and Alec Baldwin.

1) 1984

The ultimate triumph in speculative fiction about man's ultimate political and social triumph, Orwell's masterpiece is a celebration of the concepts of frigidity (Jane Russell makes yet another misleading, market-driven cameo on the cover but don't be fooled by her seductiveness. Note the "Anti-Sex" button over her ample right breast) and evils of the fourth amendment. The book's villain, Winston Smith, admirably starts out as a revisionist historian for the precursor of Fox News but later is seized with ridiculous notions such as free thought and freer sex with Julia. Later, in a hilarious fit of projection, Smith convinces himself and the impressionable Julia that Big Brother is really the villain!

The book brims with infectious optimism about Big Brother's ambitious and always-exceeded Five Year Plans. The answers to today's untidy civil unrest are laid out by Orwell in the form of a Thought Police and constant surveillance by the Inner Party. Conservatives through the decades have made some serious inroads to realizing Orwell's initiatives but, alas, our law enforcement is still, as yet, unable to read the minds of dissidents.

As proof that Smith is the villain and not the hero or antihero, he gets nabbed by O'Brien, who then treats him to some good old fashioned enhanced interrogation techniques that, of course, prove efficacious. The cowardly Smith gives up Julia rather than have his face eaten by rats and, with the help of lots and lots of Victory gin, he eventually grows to love Big Brother again as he ought. Orwell's utopia will, sadly, remain a work of fiction, as humans stubbornly sow the seeds of their own destruction in spite of the best efforts of capable men like Bush and Cheney (If you are not dead, it's because Bush and Cheney kept you alive. No, we don't have to prove it. Just take it as an article of faith).

31 Comments:

I remember being back in my high school class and having all the wingnuts protest Brave New World because it was filled with evil promiscuity and atheism, unaware that the book is the most right-wing of the dystopian novels and was actually agreeing largely with their bad assumptions.

So, yes, they'd be exactly the types to see 1984 as a good prime example of godly behavior.

This is such a great explanation of how the GOP twists logic and reality into it's inverse and then threaten death to anyone that dares point out the obvious. See Jesus would be a Conservative American because he hated the poor, the prostitutes and lepers and loved only the obscenely wealthy, obviously!

According to Leviticus, being gay is an abomination and eating lobsters is also an abomination before the Lord, but some abominations are more abominable than others.

There was a facetious article years back describing Star Wars from the point of view of the 'losers', that is, the Empire die-hards. The winners of a war always re-write the truth so they come off looking good. It wasn't the "Death Star", that was the Rebellion's propaganda title, it's real name was the Universal Co-Prosperity Sphere!

The more I see the hatred homosexuals have towards Christians and the Holy Bible the more I think Fred Phelps is right. How many straight children have been molested and murdered by homosexuals? A lot. How many Christians have been assaulted by homosexuals because they didn't like the way they voted? A lot. How many Christian churches have been burned down by homosexuals because you disagree with the Holy Bible? A lot. Whatever you think, you will not be able to change God's Word and will one day have to pay the price for not believing what God has written.Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Romans 1:22-27

V22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, V23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.

V24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

V25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, Who is blessed for ever. Amen.

V26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

V27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

SAY THIS PRAYER: Dear Jesus, I am a sinner and am headed to eternal hell because of my sins. I believe you died on the cross to take away my sins and to take me to heaven. Jesus, I ask you now to come into my heart and take away my sins and give me eternal life. http://www.armyofgod.com

Yes, I perfectly agree that all pederasts are homosexual child killers, even though, unfortunately, many of them are men of God.

And, yes, we all ought to read a book with more gore, bloodshed and vengeance than 100 Mickey Spillane novels, a Good Book where the basic theme running through the Old Testament is, "Worship me or I shall kill you."

Why do you keep coming here, Spitz? Do you Google all mentions of the Bible like a good Christian or do you think it's your mission in life to proselytize on the Internet because you're too lazy to do it in real life, even lazier, it seems, than your research?

I don't recall any homosexuals burning down, or shooting up, churches. It seems to me that the LGBT population is the one segment of society that's least responsible for murder, mayhem, prejudice and sexual perversions. Since you're some kind of withered apostle of Fred Phelps, I can see why you'd close your squirming toad of a brain off to all hedonistic possibilities.

But if you were to give me solid, documented examples of gay people committing all these atrocious acts instead of quoting scripture, I'd really appreciate it.

"How many straight children have been molested and murdered by homosexuals? A lot."

And they are only a tiny fraction compared to the numbers of children molested by priests, pastors and other 'religious' freaks, like Rev. Spitz

"How many Christians have been assaulted by homosexuals because they didn't like the way they voted? A lot."

But no where close to the number of gay men and women that have been beaten and killed by moral, upstanding 'christians', like Rev. Spitz.

"How many Christian churches have been burned down by homosexuals because you disagree with the Holy Bible? A lot."

There is NO church burned on the record that was set by homosexuals. But there are plenty of churches burned down by racist white 'christians' like Rev Spitz because the worshippers at those churches are black.

Rev. Spitz has that expurgated bible, where Jesus hates the lepers and prostitutes, the one in which God says Only the wealthy hypocrites, like Rev Spitz, will enter unto Heaven.

The Reverend Hypocrite Spitz quotes Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13, but obviously didn't read my post previous to his in which God says eating shellfish is exactly the same level of abomination. So, Reverend Spitz, have you ever eaten a lobster, crab, mussel, oyster or clam? If you have, Reverend, you are just as damned as your precious homosexuals.

Reverend Spitz, say this prayer, that has been specially crafted just for your anti-Christian beliefs:

Dear Jesus, I am a sinner because I abhor your teachings and ignore your deeds, as recorded in the bible, and I am headed to eternal hell because of my prideful sin against the very words of Christ. I claim to believe you died on the cross to take away my sins, yet with every action I prove that I couldn't care less about the words and deeds of Jesus Christ. If I don't renounce my false and hypocritical anti-Christian ministry and especially the Anti-Christian Army of God, I will have no hope that Jesus will ever take me to heaven. Jesus, I ask you now to come into my heart and take away my hatred for all human life and my desire to pervert your holy name that I use to justify my desire to commit mass murder against women and children and liberals sins so that I my hope to have eternal life.

Mate, as soon as I saw the title of your post, I thought "This is going to be straight out of Swifty's playbook." He ought to come over and give you props. You picked up his torch and used it to singe some Republo-butt. I haven't been over to his site for a few days -- something about his ads causes his page to load extra-slow on my work 'puters, and it often crashes all my windows -- so I haven't seen if you blog-whored this post over there. But you should. I bet it'd do his shriveled black conservative heart good to know that he's been an inspiration.

That said, I gotta add that for a blog your size, you get the BEST conservative trolls. How do people like this craaaaazy Rev. Splatz crawl out of the sticky spilled food waste under the fridge and find your blog to cockroach on? You used to post about the Boolean madness that drew new readers to Pottersville. How many of those perv-searches were done by Spitso and his Bible-humping ilk?

given a choice between a sojurn in heaven with the likes of dobson, phelps, falwell, haggard, hagee, and the rest of those bloated godbags and a lifetime in hell.

give. me. hell.

usually when they start in on that whole "lake of fire" bullshit i just tell them that hell doesn't scare me. i was a junkie in vietnam. i been. hell's doable. some of it's even fun. like hookers in bangkok. fun.

For new conservative science fiction series consider "America's Galactic Foreign Legio." AGFL uses humor to portray a strong America taking humanity and American culture across the galaxy to fight spider-like aliens.

Sean Hannity on ANY list of top ten books....pleeeease! You completely undermined your own credibility with this pick. While I usually agree with Hannity's conclusions his reasons and vapid arguments regularly make me cringe. I sure hope someone with a few brain cells ghost wrote the book for him.