For starters, we were indeed lucky to access a top secret report filed by an IB operative about a recent luncheon meeting in Delhi.

Forwarded to the PMO, a copy of it reached Mail Today by pigeon post or by some other bird of the same feather.

Here is a verbatim copy of the report: 'It was not by a quirk of fate that Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) chief, Raj Thackeray, found himself having lunch with a senior official attached to the office of the Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG).

Vinod Rai (pictured left) and Raj Thackeray (pictured right)

The two met at a restaurant in Delhi's Khan Market where Bal Thackeray's nephew had come disguised as a Rastafarian (skull cap with dreadlocks included).

Raj was meeting the man from CAG because he had heard that as an Opposition leader he must be familiar with the functioning of the auditors that the UPA government fears the most.

Anyway, that apart, having made themselves comfortable at the table Mr CAG asked for a glass of white wine. 'It doesn't make me see red,' he said by way of explanation even as he studied the menu and took out his calculator.

'Oh forget about the bill. I'll be taking care of it,' said Raj in English. Back in Mumbai he only spoke Marathi, even to foreigners.

And our operatives there inform us that to hold any sensible conversation Raj has to either seek the services of a translator or activate the chip implanted in his brain which converts his forehead into a screen to flash subtitles.

'No, this has nothing to do with the bill. I'm just trying to calculate how much each item on the menu costs in trillion terms,' said the auditor.

'Why trillion, why not in hundreds?' Raj wondered putting on a Jamaican accent.'

'When trillion is the benchmark everything appears humungous. For example, if I go back home and tell my wife that I had a soup costing RsX in trillion with Raj Thackeray, she will be astounded.

'But, if I were to say it costs Rs300 she wouldn't be impressed.'

'So, Mr CAG,' Raj finally observed, 'exaggeration is the name of da game.'

'Yes,' said the man across the table, 'Which is why as auditors we always talk in trillions.'

'Trillions? Waas dat man?'

'A trillion is one lakh crore', explained Mr CAG.

'Coal scam, 2G scam, education scam... everything is in trillions. Anything below that is passé. So, when you allege a swindle talk only in trillions - even if you have to tell lies and cook up some figures.'

'You mean Rs10 crore sounds better when converted into trillion,' Raj said even as he scribbled trillion on a paper napkin.

'Exactly,' said the auditor rather excitedly.

'Now tell me how many people attended your recent anti- North Indians rally in Mumbai?'

'I suppose 10,000,' Raj said in a matter of fact tone.

'Never say 10,000. Put it this way: 90,000 (including a body, pair of eyes, ears and four limbs) turned up at the rally. That sure makes a bigger figure,' said an amazed Raj.

Lunch over, the two sauntered across to Bahri & Sons, the famous bookshop.

There Mr CAG was seen buying a copy of J.D. Salinger's Catcher In The Rye for the MNS chief.

'This is a book about my boss,' the auditor said with a measure of pride.

'You mean Vinod Rai? But this one's about some other Mr Rye' said a perplexed Raj.

'Bah,' Mr CAG said rather contemptuously, 'These Yanks can't even get their spellings right!'

(As imagined by the writer)

Disrespectfully yours: Kanda is the face of the new flashocracy

By SOUTISH BHATTACHARYYA

Gopal Goyal Kanda epitomises a new breed of smalltownpoliticians - the flashocracy.

There was a timewhen Rajiv Gandhi's Gucci pumps, or Arun Jaitley'scollection of Mont Blanc pens, or Narendra Modi'sBulgari glasses would get the media excited in thesilly season, but there was nothing vulgar about theway these men carried the iconic brands.

Life's luxuriessat well on them.The flashocracy, in contrast, has the cash but notthe class.

It has the Bentleys and Bimmers but it stillcarries the baggage of its plebeian roots. It has enormousreserves of libido but it has been deluded intobelieving it owns the licence to prey upon its objectsof lust.

If the rise of small-town India's wealth hasbeen liberalisation's biggest feel-good story, the successfuldustbowl male has become the stereotype ofall that can possibly go wrong when unbound materialaspirations displace cultural mores.

It's not enough for the mine lords of Bellary, forinstance, to own Lamborghinis and have their ownprivate tracks to drive their supercars.

They believetheir money gives them the first right to the corridorsof power; they no longer are content to be fixersgreasing other people's hands, they crave thepower that guarantees them their share of the loot.

The revolution of rising aspirations has spawned amass market of greed.

India has never been a demonstratively acquisitiveculture, but with the access to wealth being liberalisedand with corruption becoming a retail phenomenon,we'll see more people like Kanda treadingthe fine line between power, pelf and prison.

Politicianslike Amar Singh, T. Subbarami Reddy, PrafulPatel and Rajiv Shukla - who are known more fortheir wealthy friends, their Page 3 parties and theirmaterial possessions than for any contribution to thepublic good) - were the first to lower the barriersthat enabled politicians of the previous generationmaintain a safe (albeit hypocritical) distancebetween the representatives of the people and theirfinanciers.

With the Rajya Sabha becoming the safe route for'high net worth' political patrons entering Parliament,there was no need for them any longer to takefavours from their former clients.

The men who paidthe bills of the old-style politicians and supplied themtheir goons had now taken their place - and theybrought with them their flashy baggage, their Hummersand their Habanos cigars, their supreme lovefor their personal well-being overriding even a residualconcern for the public good.

Kanda is the besmirched face of this new politicalspecies with a malleable moral code and a jelly-likespine whose ideology is greed and whose politicalgod is money.

And he's not alone in the muck thatpeople like him have reduced politics to - he's justthe one who got caught.