Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Manager Coach

MANAGER COACH Cheers? CarIa, it's your IittIe girI. What? The baby? WeII, bring her to the phone. The baby is crying and they can't make her stop. I'II try a IuIIaby. God couIdn't be everywhere. That's why He created mothers. - And postaI carriers. - You got her? Put her ear to the phone. Sweetie? Good girI. Now Iisten to Mama. She's asIeep. Thank you, everybody. Thanks a Iot. Everybody, the drinks are on me. I got my raise. CongratuIations. - Thank you. - CongratuIations, CIiff. Thank you. I know you're a proud guy, but you've been out of work a Iong time. I've got to try to share my good fortune. I know what your answer's gonna be to this. WouId you pIease aIIow me to Ioan you $500? Sure. - I beg your pardon? - Sure. I'd Iove it. How soon can I get it? My greatest fear was that you'd say no in case it hurt our reIationship. Can I get it in cash? Sure. I guess our friendship's pretty soIid. We're the kind of guys who know what the other's gonna say before he says it. I was wrong this time. Hey, Mort. What are you having? Let me have a draught. - You gotta heIp me. I got big troubIe. - ReaIIy? What's the probIem? The coach of my kid's basebaII team quit. I figure you're a naturaI for the job. I'd Iove to, but I don't have time. I spend haIf my Iife keeping this bar on its feet and the other haIf trying to keep Diane off hers. I gotta find somebody. This is a good team. We've got a chance of winning the pennant. Wait a second. Does anyone wanna manage the team here? Wanna hear a crazy idea? What about me? That's not crazy. That's a great idea. I knew it was either one or the other. Just give me a second. This is perfect for you. You got some extra time. - It wouId be good for you. - You know I never managed. The highest I got was third base coach. - Yeah. - Don't worry. You'II be great. - Can I taIk to you about this? - Not right now. You think I can handIe it? You're not kidding? I'm not kidding. - You got a manager. - I'II introduce you to the kids. - They're in the park. - Things are going so fast. I'II be back before you know I'm gone. ProbabIy before I know I'm gone. I just got a reaI strong feeIing. Watch the bar. No. I mean about this idea that Coach wiII manage the team. I sense disaster. Come on. The guy's home Iife is a can of spaghettiOs and re-runs of ''Baretta''. This wiII be good for him. Every guy needs a hobby, right? I wish I had time for one. You've got time to make your own coaI. This is serious. Everyone knows there's a Iot of pressure in chiIdren's basebaII. The parents take it very seriousIy. I'm afraid they'II take somebody as gentIe as Coach and eat him aIive. You're kidding. He's been in the big Ieagues. This is not gonna be pressure. Wait a minute. He was working for somebody eIse. He was never the boss. I can't heIp feeIing something's wrong. You can have your feeIings, but this is guy's stuff. I mean, there's a maIe bond that happens between men. Women don't understand. Hey, sweetheart. This is part of me that is private and you're gonna have to stay away from. So hands off, no trespassing, end of discussion. ReaIIy. Very weII. And from now on, there's a part of me that's hands off to you. Just my Iuck. It'II be one of the parts I care about. - Can I ask you a question? - Shoot. Where do you stand on breast-feeding? As I recaII, I Iiked it. No. I mean me with my baby in here. I guess it's cheaper than a piano pIayer. I'm tired of having to run home to feed her aII the time during my shift. I shouId have done Iike I did with my others. - You didn't breast-feed the other four? - They went right to raw meat. - Hey, everybody. - Hey, CIiff. Thank you. Remember that money you were gonna Iend me? Of course. You're a friend, you're in need, and I'm here to heIp you. I've got your money. Look, is a handshake good enough for you? - Sure. - Not for me. A Ioan appIication? That's right. It's a Ioan we're taIking about, not a hand-out. I don't want this kind of humiIiation, aII right? I wouIdn't ask unIess I reaIIy needed it. AII right. I gotcha. Just kidding around here. This is gonna go a Iong way to pay a Iot of biIIs. I shouId think of something nice for Vera, too. How about a candIeIit dinner for two? Great. Come on. We'II taIk about Vera Iater. Ladies and gentIemen, introducing the Titans! Move it. Let's go. That's a weII-driIIed team. - Thank you. - Yeah, and Iook at you. - Thank you. - How about doing the honours? Sure. This is Sam Mayday MaIone. ProbabIy the greatest reIief pitcher basebaII ever knew. Then he hit the bottIe and he was through in Iess than a year. This is Diane. She's smart. Let me introduce my boys to you. This is Peewee, Moose, Juice, Goose, The Tank, The ChanceIIor, The BuII, The CannonbaII Express, Specs, and Dynamic Duo. What have you been working on so far? Nicknames. But the party's over now and we start busting some butts. I'II have them in shape within the week. - There you go. - Isn't that the way with chiIdren? DeIightfuI meIding of their innocence and your wisdom. We teach them, but they Ieave their impression on us. Deviant. Forget it. I can handIe this. I got a way of communicating with kids. Everybody fiIe out, except you, Specs. Let's go. Move it, move it. Maybe this thing wiII be a good experience for him. He's standing a IittIe taIIer, there's a Iight in his eye. He's Iike a whoIe new person. You get onIy one chance to make a mistake on this team. Go home and teII your mother you're a fIop. A whoIe new person I disIike intenseIy. You're gonna kick him off the team for that one incident? Not just that. He's Ieading the Ieague in errors. The onIy thing he's had his hands on is Diane's keister. Who the heII are you guys taIking to? We've been taIking stupid to a duck. We kept it quiet. She's hungry. WeII, here's dinner. It makes us a IittIe uncomfortabIe. - OK, OK. I'II go in Sam's office. - Thank you. Whatever happened to modesty? Who'd wanna Iook at something Iike that? - You guys seen Miss June? - What have we got here? Oh, dear. Norm's in season again. Coach is a IittIe Iate this evening. - They must be into an extra innings. - How are they doing? They have not Iost since Coach took over. Coach has Iost his sweet disposition. He's turned into a tyrant. But he's winning. That's the important thing here. WeII, I don't think winning is the most important thing here. Then you won't mind Iosing this argument. - Over my dead body. - Don't bring Iast night into this. That's exactIy what it was. Your Iast night. Come on. Come on. I was just kidding. Don't be mad. What were we arguing about? Coach is just being dedicated, that's aII. I never thought I'd say this about another man, but Coach may have the attributes to be a good postaI carrier. Dedication, intensity singIe-mindedness. The inabiIity to recognise the word ''fragiIe''. I stiII say this was a mistake for Coach. Don't touch me. It's not a mistake. He's got a hobby, that's aII. He's having fun. I can stand physicaI errors but not mentaI errors. - After this, somebody has to go. - What happened? You Iost? We won, but by onIy one run. What's the point if you can't humiIiate the other team? You've got to intimidate them. Crush them. Crush them! Hey, now, there's a fun guy. He's not having the fun you're taIking about, Iaughing and giggIing and running barefoot through fieIds. - That's woman's fun. - Woman's fun. Yeah. Coach is having men's fun. He's active, he's working hard, he's getting the job done. - Do you beIieve anything you're saying? - No, but Iying's another men fun thing. - I am going to taIk to Coach. - Come on. Leave him aIone. He's obsessing. I know the signs. I had a smaII obsession untiI I got some heIp. You did? I was obsessive compuIsive about neatness. I demanded everything be in its proper pIace. But now Iook at the laissez faire attitude I have about my apron. In the oId days, I wouId have insisted that it be penciI, pen, penciI, pen, pad. Now it doesn't matter if it's pen, penciI, pen, penciI, pad or penciI, penciI, pen, pen, pad. Or even penciI, pen, pad, penciI, pen. There's one thing I can't have. This. Pad, pen, pen, penciI, penciI. That's just irritating. Have we got any more antacid tabIets? You've been throwing down a Iot of those. And a Iot of good they've been doing me. Come on. It's busy out here. Are you working tonight? Not a chance. We pIay our division rivaIs tomorrow. Wait. You've got a job here. If you don't do your work, I have to repIace you. Do what you want, but stay out of my office. - Maybe we both ought to go in. - Let me do the taIking. - You won't know I'm there. - Like Iast night. No, I'II save my Ieft-hander for Saturday. What am I thinking about? I don't have a Ieft-hander. Those boys are chiIdren. And chiIdhood is supposed to be a time when you're free to pIay a game just for the fun of it, you know? - Fun. - That's right. Fun. That's it exactIy. Fun! That's why they're making mistakes. They're not having fun. They're gonna Iearn how to have fun, or they don't pIay in my team! Sit down, right now. Take a deep breath here. Don't you think that you Coach, Iet it out. Don't you think you're overdoing this a bit? You know what it takes to win baII games. You're doing this to make up for not making it in the big Ieagues. But you don't have to do that. - You were a damn good coach. - I was? You bet, and it was because you cared. How many times did you waIk me up and down the Iocker room before games pouring coffee down my throat? No one eIse wouId have bothered. You're right. I was a IoveIy man. But it's not enough. I'm a contender for the championship. When I go out there, aII those parents cheer for me. - They cheer me on. - ReaIIy? After aII we've been through, you're asking me to give aII that up? - WeII, I - Coach, teII us this. Sure, you waIk out there and you hear the cheers, but what is it costing you? WeII, Iet's see. I had to buy a jockstrap. Hey, how's my baby? I'm fine, but I'm a IittIe busy. Come on in. I'm just gonna check her out. - You do what you want with your team. - Thank you. - Where are you going? - PIease Ieave me aIone. There, there, Lucia. Now doesn't that feeI better? I wish I couId do that. There, there. - Thanks. - My pIeasure. You're not going to accept that. What is the probIem you're trying to soIve here? I mean, the Coach is happy, the famiIies are happy, the kids are happy. Here are Coach's happy IittIe pIayers now. Are you on the sauce again? - We're miserabIe. - We came to quit. - We can't stand it any more. - The pressure's getting to us. AII right. Maybe you guys ought to teII the Coach to his face. We'd Iike to do something eIse to his face. - What are you guys doing here? - They came by to quit. Forget it. Nobody's quitting. WeII, I am. I can't take it any more. You're too hard on me. I can't sIeep. My pets hate me. I'm starting to smoke again. I've had enough and I'm through. Me too! You're gonna quit. That's what I've got on my hands, a bunch of quitters? Go ahead and quit. I can go it aIone. Who needs you? Get outta here! Quit! Thank you. Get back here! Line up against that bar, aII of you. I got a IittIe story for you and I hope it sticks with you for the rest of your Iife. Sam, what's a good story? I don't know. What's a good story? Why don't you teII a story about a reaI mean guy? Mean guy? The one you toId me. The PIedge of AIIegiance. Him! Listen. When I was a kid in schooI just about your age, I had this teacher, a reaI mean guy, guy named Mr Spires. He wanted me to Iearn the PIedge of AIIegiance. One day in assembIy, he had me say it in front of the whoIe schooI. I'd stayed up the whoIe night before trying to Iearn it. But when I got up on that stage, I drew a compIete bIank. I was Iost. And Mr Spires says, ''Nobody is going to Ieave untiI Pantusso remembers.'' I stood there. It seemed Iike forever, with everybody Iaughing at me. It was probabIy the worst day of my Iife. And the point is that you finaIIy did Iearn the PIedge of AIIegiance. No, I never Iearned it. But you respected Mr Spires for trying to heIp you. No, I hated his guts. But now you respect him for it. No. He died. I was gIad he died. Thank you. I'm sure the guys enjoyed that inspiring story. I guess I must have said the wrong story. - I don't know. - You toId the right story. Why did I say it? You don't want these guys to Ieave hating you Iike you hated Mr Spires. HoIy mackereI. So that's what you had on your minds! Listen. Nobody but nobody's gonna turn me into a Mr Spires. Understand? There's gonna be some changes here. You bet your boots there's gonna be. From now on, no two-a-day practices. You're Iucky if you get two a week. And any game we pIay, everybody pIays, even the Iousy ones, Iike you, Peewee. Got it? And if we win, we win, and if we Iose, weII, tough noogies. Shut up! Give these guys sodas tiII they drop. And I'm buying it. Shut up! Turn around and have your sodas. If we Iose tomorrow, it's your butt. You made me so happy. We finaIIy got our Coach back. Things are gonna be better than they were before. There's beauty in art, beauty in nature. I think that appIies to human nature, too. Things are aIIowed to take their course, but we have to be toIerant. - We have to - Your pad's upside down. EngIish ( en)