Guys, it's here. The episode that is POSSIBLY Vile Nick Viall's last Bachelor franchise episode ever. That's after 14 episodes of The Bachelor, 21 episodes of The Bachelorette, and 11 episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. 46. A true epoch. He's listed after ONLY Lord Harrison on The Bachelorette's IMDB page.

Lord Harrison repeatedly calls this episode "historic" and he twice describes Nick's search for love as "desperate." I totally get how this is desperate, but how is this historic? Is someone going to give birth on stage? They've already done: a live breakup of Jake and Vienna, an attempt to force a spontaneous wedding with a priest of Ben and Lauren, Bachelor Jason go back on his decision and choose his runner up, and they've even had an on-stage Ultrasound exam to reveal Ashley's baby's gender. Have they not done it all?!

What has two thumbs and is able to Dorian Grey himself by suckling up human misery? THIS GUY!

I mean, if the women are tied in prettyness, how could a man POSSIBLY make that decision?!

We're in Rovaniemi, Finland. Nick leads a dance train of elves through the town.

Nick demanded 3 dance-related sequences per episode to get Bachelor Nation in the right mindset for his spin-off career on Dancing with the Stars.

Raven Re-Meets Nick's ParentsNick had to pick his favorite four of his eleven siblings to fly out to be in the finale. The featured sister who's 30 years younger than him is of course there.

Nick's Mom: "So, do you have a favorite?"

So do you have a favorite or do you just think of them as completely equal pawns in your shameless journey towards celebrity?

Nick says he likes both. Nick’s hair is so coiffed it's practically a mohawk at this point.

I mean, how can you possibly choose between two women when you're just thinking about yourself?

Nick’s Dad looks like Ben Linus from LOST.

So I guess I'm out of the book club.

Raven meets the parents again.

I know it's a dating show but our romantic progression has been pretty standard! On our first date I told your son I loved him, on our second date I met you and his Dad, and on our third date he made me come!

It was strange, he didn't pick up on any of my fifteen compliments of his gloves.

Later that night…Vanessa: “Every time I ask you a question, the answers are general.”

Nick responds with gibberish about being careful with his heart.

Vanessa: "Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?"Nick: "I feel like the week’s not over."Vanessa: "I don’t like that answer."Nick: "I know what you want to hear."

Do you expect me to get off on not telling you what you want to hear if I don't know what you want to hear? Lol Vanessa.

Vanessa doesn't think the situation is romantic but Nick does.

Idk about you but if you ask me, nothing beats the romantic vibes of me throwing it in two other women days before we get engaged, never telling you how I feel, and emotionally torturing you until the very last second.

Nick: "If you want to find a million different scenarios where you can DE-ROM, UN-ROM... make it less then you probably can… When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you."

Respect my thought process or get the fu- hel- fu- fuck outta here

Nick: "I want it at the end to feel different and special. That’s how I need to get there."

CLAW HAND AND HEAD TILT. THE VIALL COMBO.

Nick makes out with her and shakes her as she’s crying.

Stop

Nick is very into Vanessa's fluids. Vom. Tears. w/e.

Vanessa: “It is scary to think that you don’t know what is to come.” Nick wipes away Vanessa’s tears.

Would you mind if I keep these?

Nick: "It breaks my heart that I can’t make Vanessa feel better."

We get a quick shot of Lord Harrison lounging on his throne couch.

The Hunger Games will be back after these messages.

Raven's Last Date

Nick takes Raven ice skating "since skating is our thing."

Nick: "It’s just so playful and fun and it’s easy not to think about anything else." NICK’S FUCKING ICE DANCING.

Raven: "To think this could be my last date as a single person is crazy.”

Nick once again forces Raven to the ground to make out with her.

Raven's hair gets stuck to the ice and they have to cut it all off.

AHHHH Nick brings in lil puppies. This is the only Bachelor date I would’ve liked to go on.

Puppies > Coming

Later that night at drinks…Nick says he can’t move his neck from stress.

My neck hurts from stress. Def not from my flamboyant ice skating.

From here on out! Assuming we die before we ever actually get married.

Raven tells Nick she'd say yes if he proposes.

I heard guys are into a sure thing?

​Nick leaves and ponders. There's a knock on his door. Is it Santa? It's Neil Lane.

I'm so tired of the episodes not ending in rose ceremonies. This off-kilter quality is driving me nuts. I don't need a cliffhanger, I need to know where I should be EMOTIONALLY at the correct part of the episode. ANYWAY.

Tiffany Trump is still freaking out she's gonna also get dumped: "He's very unpredictable and I'm just nervous."

I mean, he might come in here and tell us ANYTHING. Is he going to say he's "nervous and excited" for this next step in the journey or he's "excited and nervous"?! NO ONE KNOWS!

Nick comes in through their balcony holding roses.

Is it Batman? Superman?! Dawson?!?! Oh... Ugh.

He explains to them he dumped Danielle already because he didn't want to put her through a rose ceremony. ARE WE JUST NO LONGER GOING TO HAVE ROSE CEREMONIES, NICK?! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DO THIS TO ME?! He once again says that the "room strength" gave him courage.

Like I've said before, this is one of the most jacked rooms I've ever been in.

Nick: "I can't wait to meet their families, and I can't wait to move our relationships forward." THIS IS A NONSENSE FUCKING SENTENCE NICK STOP BEING A FUCKING ROBOT.

I can't wait for this emotional journey to continue. Maybe I can knock down these walls. Stare off wistfully, but while still looking jacked, into the horizon line. Oh shoot, was I not supposed to read that part?

He gives them all roses.

Can't wait to meet your Daddy! And YOUR Daddy! And YOURS!!!

​The girls could not be more excited about introducing their entire families to their boyfriend who's still seeing three other women. Nick could not be more excited to meet Nanny Raquel.

Assuming the Nanny will be on the Hometown date as she's been the main argument for vilifying Tiffany Trump this season.

Haha of COURSE Raquel will be there! You think we let her LEAVE THE HOUSE?! LOL NICK!!!

Tiffany Trump has an impressive number of different facial expressions. She's made it to this crucial round of the competition and screams, "Hometowns! Woo!"

She's that perfect, rare middle-ground of fucking bonkers. She'll do anything in bed, but she's not so crazy she'll go past the point of light physical assault if she catches you cheating. Naaawhaaimmsayin?

Raven: "To have fun in Hoxie, you go mudding, you go frog-gigging, you climb the grain bins." Are these literally all ways of saying to go play in garbage/dirt? OK looked up frog-gigging and it's stabbing swamp frogs with a long multi-pronged spear. Close enough.

I know, I know. I said earlier that Hoxie was not only about mudding but ALSO shooting guns and reading your Bible. But I was told the Next Bachelorette's already taking God and I'm "technically" not "legally allowed to operate any form of weaponry."

Raven: This date is "gonna be a complete and utter surprise."

It's not gonna be as good of a surprise as a trashy Godless whore's stiletto up his bum but still.

Raven takes him to a "sacred place", a giant grain bin. She says people climb up them to tell secrets.

What about you? What kind of exciting crop storage containers do y'all have out there in LA?

I haven't gotten a beej in a grain bin yet. Hoping this season to cross off my list a grain bin beej, a boutique dressing room beej, and a Confessional beej!

"Uh oh." Cops pull up and tell them to get down.

What a twist!

The cop asks them for ID, which they don't have.

That's unfortunate for you guys then, I'm also a member of ICE.

The cop reveals he's Raven's brother and no single person watching this is surprised. Can we stop with all the blaaatant bullshit? We're watching non-actors act out entire scenes. Ugh.

Raven's brother: "Don't be kissin on the grain bin."

Don't be kissin on the grain bin. These grain bins are strictly "beej only bins." You're gonna have to ATV down to Little Rock for nonsense like kissin.

Don't worry I would never be kissin your sister unless she was lying down in a swamp with the implied threat I'd drown her if she doesn't comply.

Nick: "Raven always kind of keeps you on your toes." Why are they taking their clothes off in the swamp?!

You look way too comfortable right now. Let's get you back on your toes by getting these soaking wet clothes off you so they don't get wet.

Nick: Raven has "more personality than you could ever imagine."

Lemme get a good grab on those personalititties, girl.

They frolic and make out in the swamp.

Let me literally and figuratively lift you out of this swamp and save you.

You know how they say with the right person anything is fun?

These are called Hoxie hair extensions.

Hahahaha cute can you fucking let me back up now?

Later that evening...

Raven and Nick head to dinner with Raven's family. Not sure whose jeans are tighter.

Nick re-meets her brother.

Hello, fellow actor! Remember me from Scene 1? I played the roguishly handsome young police officer who was stern but fair? In Scene 2, I'm playing the over-protective older bro, who will ultimately be won over during our three minute convo! I'm super versatile, let's play around with it.

Raven's Mom tells the two of them Daddy just had a cancer scan.

Raven's Mom: "He's cancer-free."

Nick golf-claps at this intimate family news.

Raven starts crying and tells her parents how thankful she is to have them in her life.

Raven's Dad looks like Chris Bauer -- the dock dude from The Wire/the cop in True Blood. Raven and her Dad discuss how he can now walk her down the aisle, presumably to hand her off to Nick.

Nick asks Raven's father for his blessing. Raven's Dad echoes the theme of this season: "Don't take this the wrong way but I didn't expect to like you."

Don't take this the wrong way but you come off as EXTREMELY unlikable on television. I mean, not bad enough we'd stop Raven from going on the show obviously...

Raven tells her Mom, "It is through the grit of my teeth that I say I'm falling for this guy."

And I have a LOT of grits in my teeth. Stole a shit-ton from the grain bin.

Raven bails on saying "I love you" to Nick.

Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's Dallas Hometown
This is the first hometown with a black family in ALL of Bachelor franchise history. In preparation for a Hometown with a federal judge, Nick has dressed like he's going to appear in court.

Shut up. She's taking him to Church.

Nick looks deeply uncomfortable which is awesome.

help me

Nick always looks like he's plotting eating Rachel later. *Note the woman's face next to him. Also note the kid next to her wears headphones.

Afterwards, Rachel and Nick discuss how his first experience in a black church went. Nick: "I grew up around church my whole life."

I've always been God-adjacent, you know? In the front bedroom we could actually pick up a couple bars of Jesus's wifi.

Nick: "Amen is amen, you know?" I deeply desire that quote crocheted on a pillow.

I'm pretty sure most wars are caused by people thinking that exact sentiment is untrue but alright, Dopey Nick.

Nick: "​I’m not color blind. I know you’re black."

You think I don't jerk off KNOWING I'm making history doing the first black hometown visit in franchise HISTORY? LOLOLOL RACHEYYYY

Nick tells them his spiel about how he's been on dates with black girls but they're "never really advanced past like, a first date."

Bro-in-law, as if Nick should inherently have the exact same response to every black woman he encounters, "So what's different now?"

Are you saying they're not all the same?

Nick: "Her." Then he lists his boring list of Rachel's good qualities.

Bro-in-law tells him he counted that Nick said she's good-looking twice.

Obviously you mistook me for a person without keen observation skills. Thought you could get it past me that you're a white AND that you said Rachel's good-looking twice? Lmao, Nicholas.

I'm guessing this is a bigger deal in Dallas. Rachel's Mom: "Elephant in the room... Have you ever dated a black girl?"

Whale in the room... What's your job though?

Rachel's Mom is worried about a more "racist climate. You have to know how you’re going to navigate it." Nick: "Uh, I-I-I've gone on dates... I know that, like, Rachel's black."

Nick talks about how he only sees Rachel's interior, that they'll get through any racism together, and a classic Bachelor phrase, "if anything it will make our relationship stronger."

Rachel's Mom then asks if Nick sees any red flags re: Rachel.

Any red flags? Anything I can work with her on hiding during her season of The Bachelorette?

Rachel and her Mom are cute. Rachel tells her Mom how she cares for Nick due to his sincerity and courage to have "the uncomfortable conversations."

We've had the uncomfortable conversations. He IS okay with some light butt play.

Rachel's Mom tells her she loved how Rachel's Dad was confident and knew where he was going. Rachel takes this to mean that her Mom thinks Nick is like her Dad? Rachel: "I was blown away by that comment."

It's almost as if the content of what she was saying to me wasn't the content that I chose to hear!

Rachel: "I hate to use the word perfect but today was perfect... I'm falling in love with him."

That's it! My Mom said she liked Nick's manners but I heard her definitely-implied subtext which is that she thinks I should marry him right away.

Tiffany Trump's Miami HometownThis is Tiffany Trump's first one-on-one date. Nick re: a date with Corinne Olympios: "I’m certain it’s going to be fabulous and it’s going to be fun... She doesn't worry about the rules. She makes her own."

Nick is stoked, thinking thank God this is better than Church. She's taking him to "one of the most exclusive malls in Miami." Am I not exclusive? What's an exclusive mall? Tiffany Trump: "Shopping and me go hand in hand. I mean we're like white on rice."

I don't actually know how rice is made. Raquel always puts the white on my rice for me.

Corinne knows all the salespeople. Nick: "It's like Christmas morning to the people who are working at the store. I think that's a good thing? She takes every ordinary thing and takes it up a notch. She brings it to another level."

Tiffany Trump: "I think I got a really good reaction even though he can’t say anything back."

The way he crinkled his eyes said I love you too and you're the winner!!! Cloud nine!!!

They go to dinner. Corinne wears her best midriff-bearing shirt.

Corinne’s Dad looks like a cartoon character as he describes how this is Nick's fourth time on the show and how you don't get four strikes.

I'll tell you this. You don't get to running a sketchy multi-million dollar company with four strikes. You gotta dump at least a couple of those strikes in the Miami River.

Tiffany Trump is super excited to introduce Nick to Nanny Raquel.

Nick: "This must be the infamous Raquel!"

Tiffany Trump explains to her family: "The girls used Raquel as something against me. They were like 'She has a Nanny.'"

Tiffany Trump's actual Mom: "She's their second Mom. I couldn't do a lot of things without her." Does Corinne live at home? I feel like that's the only way she could call Raquel her Nanny and I'm pretty sure she belongs to the parents.

Tiffany Trump does a normal human behavior and lays on a bed and tells her Daddy how much she likes Nick.

Corinne: "I told him today that I loved him."

If you think that's bad, wait until you see the episode when I made him Janet Jackson me.

We've been dating a month and a half. We're practically common law married at this point!

Mr. Olympios asks what she sees in Nick. Tiffany Trump: "I see a person who cares about Corinne-- the good, the bad, the embarrassed. He sees a lot more than other people see in me."

I would definitely say his best quality is how he thinks I'm awesome.

​Nick has a one-on-one with Nanny Raquel. Nanny Raquel: "So what is your intention with her?"

How do you say... reverse cowgirl?

Corinne's Dad: "And what does he plan on doing?"

Tiffany Trump: "He used to sell software... I’m OK with being the breadwinner."

I heard he's on the short-list for Dancing with the Stars

Corinne's Dad: "Can Nick make a living to raise a family and keep Corinne happy?"

Ughhhh DAD you obviously don’t understand how this show and Instagram work. I’ve already made it far enough I don’t have to work again. I basically already sell Diffeyeware on IG.

Nick talks to Corinne’s Dad. ​

I've found that Olympios Wine can take the edge off ANY uncomfortable conversation!

He tells Nick that Corinne told him she's OK with being breadwinner. Nick is supes embarrassed and says, "Well, that means a lot that she said that but I hope to be the breadwinner myself!"

Oooooof

Corinne's Mom to Corinne: "But don’t forget, it’s fantasy." Corinne: "No, Mom, it’s very real. If he choses one of the other girls I am going to be heartbroken."

Nick is SO particular about how he phrases asking the Dad for Corinne’s hand in marriage.

Should such circumstances emerge thusly, in that Corinne, a consenting adult, does wish to get engaged to the myself party, would you be OK with trusting what your adult daughter chooses of her own volition?

Mr. Olympios gives his blessing to Nick and they cheers to seal the deal.

Corinne's Dad: "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot."

She's much smaller, only goes on top, and together they make a complete empty vessel!

Nick and Corinne leave. Nanny Raquel cleans up the dinner while the Olympios family watches Corinne make out with Nick from above.

Vanessa's Montreal Hometown
Nick flies to Canada. He greets Vanessa by tilting his head like a moron.

Nick doesn't shield Vanessa from the rain with the umbrella but to be fair he spent a longer time on his hair.

Nick goes to Vanessa’s special needs school.

Vanessa makes her students make another scrapbook of her photos of her and Nick's love story.

Vanessa's students tell Nick he is lucky.

Looking back on that first scrapbook it’s very weird they’re all over 21. They all hug goodbye.

Vanessa: "If you think I'm close with my students, my relationship with my family is on a whole other level."

Vanessa: "My family's approval is very important for me." She then alludes to going through a bad breakup which was "probably just as tough" on her family?

Nick jokes he's going to greet her family by saying "Buenos noches!"

But OMG Nick they speak Italian, not SPANISH!!! You made me piss my pants AGAIN!!!

Nick meets 100 people in Vanessa's Mom's family.

​Brother Patrick is a ginger version of AJ Soprano.

Vanessa's family interrogates Nick and Vanessa on their plans.

Vanessa's Mom asks Nick, "What is it about Vanessa that really stood out?"
Nick: "Like, when she got out of the limo, like, I liked your daughter right away. SO CREEPY.

Like, don't even worry, I wanted to bang your daughter the veryyyy second she stepped out of the limo.

Vanessa's Mom: "But I'm not really want to know about the look-wise... ​I want her to find someone—her equal in a lot of ways."

You seriously think I was trying to get at whether you like my daughter's tits or not?!

Vanessa's sister questions Nick next. Sister: "She really does put her happiness aside... I'm just really scared for her. I'll hate you if you break her heart, I really will."

Vanessa chats with her creepy bro. Bro: "What would you do job-wise?" Vanessa: "Well, that's the thing. I don't know."

How could I possibly have predicted I might have to think about this quandary, going on an American reality TV dating show.

Bro Patrick: "You're like the greatest person in my life." Then he references her bad breakup again. How the fuck did this breakup affect her family so much? Bro Patrick: "I'm scared of that happening again."

Vanessa tells her sister how much she cares about Nick.

Sis: "What is he planning on doing after this anyway?"

Vanessa's Mom has similar questions.

Vanessa's Mom: "I have to pick her up again, and I don't want to go through this again, cause it's tough on me too." ​I don’t think my parents have felt burdened by any of my breakups??

You know what they say about breakups. They're toughest on the mother of the dumpee.

Nick drags Vanessa out the door.

Maybe a sign that you shouldn't move thousands of miles away from your family...

Hometown Date with Vanessa's Dad

​Vanessa’s Stepmom looks just like her Mom.

Vanessa's Dad asks Nick the same question as the Mom, "What you find, you know, so special with uh, Vanessa compared to all the rest of the girls?" Nick fixed his answer for the Dad.

Nick: "I was initially drawn to her not just because I thought she was beautiful.."

One might be tempted to answer this question by just describing how hot your daughter is but...

I demand at least six goats and a barrel of ore.

Vanessa’s Dad re: three other Dads: "Did you ask their blessing also?"

Ummm, in a way, I really wanted to make sure I kept my options open? Who KNOWS how I'll feel in like six days?!

Vanessa's Dad: "What do you mean, run it by them? It's yes or no." Love this guy.

Nick: "Um, this is real life for me." They shake on his half-blessing, closing the deal and ending the conversation.

Vanessa's Dad tells her that Nick asked for his blessing but that he had asked everyone's Dads. Vanessa is upset even though this happens in every season of this show.

Vanessa: "​Knowing that’s a question that was shared with other people makes it less meaningful. If he’s not sure at this point in the game, that makes me want to re-evaluate where our relationship is at."

I totally accept him knowing for sure he's going to marry me, then banging two other girls and me, and then marrying just me.

Nick puts her in the limo: "Stay out of your head OK?"

A quick cut to a dark curb puddle suggests Vanessa is NOT staying out of her head.

New York Rose Ceremony

Nick sips and ponders in the Big Apple.

They act as if Vanessa is gonna storm into Nick's hotel room to confront him.

Andi shows up at his door. Ugh. As if this will lead to ANYTHING. Most people watching this probably don't even know who she is.

TO BE CONTINUED...
​Upcoming scenes from Nick's journey: more tears...