Congratulate Me: I've Got Sleep Apnea

Friday, April 9

Congratulate Me: I've Got Sleep Apnea

Some of you may remember that I recently underwent a sleep study to determine whether or not I (a) have sleep apnea, (b) am just a big god-awful snore monster because God hates me or (c) Both of these things. The answer is either A or C because I have officially been diagnosed with the most beloved sleeping disorder among 15 to 94 year olds, yay.

Having this disorder means that it's likely that I've never had a decent night's sleep ever, which makes me wonder what I could have accomplished in my life by this point if I didn't have a bad habit of stopping breathing while sleeping. Could I be a successful owner of a bait and tackle shop? Could I be a hot male gymnast? Could I be a sharply dressed black man? We'll never know the definitive answers to these questions, which is sad.

Sleep apnea is usually treated by something called a CPAP machine, which involves the sleeper sleeping with a mask over his face and being force-fed a prescribed flow of air throughout the night so that the sleeper does not stop breathing. (John Hurt was attacked by one of these masks in the 1979 movie Alien, picture above.) So tonight I have to revisit the sleep clinic and test-drive one of these masks.

Will I have my first ever good night's sleep? Will the mask implant an alien baby egg inside my stomach? The answer to both questions is maybe.