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WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.