John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

How Do I Accept the Things I Did? (Published 8-23-11)

Q:

I lost my grandma in October. She raised me almost my whole life. I left home at around 16 years old and I came back to see her every once and awhile. I knew she loved me and wanted me so badly in her life again. The week I moved back my dad told me, go see your grandma. I told him I would but I had things to do for unpacking, and my son. A few days later I get a call from my dad saying she passed away. I kick myself every day that I didn’t say anything to her when I should have.

My dad and I were the only family here in California and took care of her every day. She was the only thing my dad really had. When her funeral came around I never really, truly grieved. I was trying to be strong for my Dad and my son. Now I can’t stop thinking about her. Almost every day something reminds me of her. Every day I cry. I miss her so much. I pray every night, talking to her. I have a picture of her in my truck that I say is my guardian angel. Will I ever be able to accept this? Will I ever stop crying? How do I accept the things I did?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Shandi,

Thanks for your note.

Over the years we’ve gotten thousands of calls and emails from people who were occupied with other things and did not take the time to call or visit someone who was ill, only to have them die before they got the chance to see or talk to them.

Almost always, the situation is similar to yours, and leaves them with horrible feelings and questions like yours: “How do I accept the things I did?”

We’d like to gently correct the idea that you “did” anything wrong or bad. Based on your note, we believe you were trying to get yourself and your son settled in after your move back home. We know that moving is exhausting, both physically and emotionally.

We also believe that if you had known just how close your grandma was to the end of her life, you would have dropped everything and run to see her.

In reference to your comment, “I was trying to be strong for my Dad and my son.” Here is a section from one of our major articles on Tributes.com, in which we explain the myths that harm us in dealing with grief:

Myth #5 - Be Strong - Be Strong For Others Being Strong may be the most important myth to investigate and reverse. Without argument, as children we copy the behaviors demonstrated by our parents and other adults. It’s all too common for a parent, in a mis-guided attempt to "Be Strong For The Children," to display no emotion at all about a major loss of their own. Perhaps their own parent, the child's grandparent has died. Instead of showing how they feel, they clam up, but expect, and sometimes even try to force, the child to talk about the feelings the child has about the death. What they don’t realize is that they are inadvertently passing on to their children the myth of “being strong,” or “being strong for others.” The fact is that you can’t really “be” anything for someone else. All you can be is honest, which is really the most helpful thing you can do. The option we suggest is, “You Can Be Strong Or You Can Be Human—Pick One!”

And, as to your question near the end of your note, “Will I ever stop crying?”

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.