10.1.10

Tomorrow is my last first day of school! I'm super conflicted because I'm so excited to move onto a new part of my life but I'm not quite sure that I'm done with the old one. Change is coming whether I like it or not so I might as well look to the positive. Part of the new year is making changes. I'm trying Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin system. The 4 Golden Rules of his program are as follows:

1) If you are hungry, EAT!

2) Eat what you want, not what you think you should eat.

3) Eat consciously and enjoy every mouthful.

4) When you are full, stop.

I'm realizing that I don't really remember what full feels like. I've spent so much time concerned with what I "should" eat that the concept of eating whatever I want as long as I'm hungry is unfathomable. He has some different techniques on how to beat specific craving foods but other than that, it's that simple. I need to rip the CD that does hypnosis to reinforce these concepts but I'm sitting down and only eating. I'm focusing on the delicious food that I prepare for myself. It also makes me appreciate that I'm a good cook. I'm respecting my efforts that go into my food and also the efforts of others that went into growing and harvesting my food. I'm also allowing myself to really enjoy flavors that before I would notice in passing like an attractive person on my way to class. It's kind of funny how much I fit into the descriptions in the book. I think about food all of the time except for the time when I'm actually eating. I'm changing that. Taking my time eating is still a bit of a struggle but I'm being mindful of what I'm putting into my body. I've been pretty good today but I'm still dragging from this virus thing and it's really gross out so I didn't work out today. Baby steps I suppose.

4.1.10

In all honesty, this year freaks me out. In all reality, it's only been a few days since a few days ago but it seems like such a huge change. It always takes me a while to adjust to a new year but now we are in a new decade. No longer do we need to deal with the confusion of "Is it the Zero's or the Aughties or whatever you're supposed to call this decade?" We are in the teens. Not only are we in a new decade but we are also in the year that I will graduate in. I'm freaking out. Obviously, I'm trying to get my life together for my post-degree life. So far, the only thing that I know I will be doing is going to the Smokey Mountains with my family right after graduation. Other than that, it's pretty much all in the air. I hate not knowing exactly what I'm going to do. Another thing that is kind of weirding me out is the fact that it has almost been a year since I went to Poland and started such a crazy adventure that changed my life. What a difference a year makes. I hope that in a year from now, I'm no longer in America. Obviously, I hope that I will be in China but I'll take just anywhere different and new where I can learn something everyday. I really don't like learning out of books. No one ever tells great stories about how they studied or took tests. The great experiences in life come from learning by doing and that is what sticks with you. It's kind of funny that Bob, my rugby coach, just assumed that I will be going to grad school because I "can't stay away from the classroom for too long" but I really can. Just because the classroom is the most organized and standardized way to learn in no way means that it is the best way. I want to be in a place that I learn new things about people in cultures different than my own and about how I can survive and thrive in those new environments. That was one of the most powerful things I learned while I was abroad. I can go into a new environment with no social connections and I can make friends that become family. I'm self sufficient enough to go out into the world and survive on my own without having a severe mental breakdown or really needing anything but an open attitude and some other people with the same. That's a really powerful feeling. It's not that I want to be alone. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I just know that wherever I go, I don't have to be alone. That is powerful and it gives me the freedom to go anywhere and do almost anything. I like that I can do that.