After a 5 year struggle with anorexia (with purging tendencies), depression, self harm and over exercising I have now been recovered for 4 years and i use my blog to help others in the same situation i once was.
I am now a happy and positive person who wants to inspire those struggling to choose recovery and to take control over life and happiness again!

Life without Anorexia

My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.

And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Current feelings and thoughts

At the moment i feel like i am just one mixed bundle of thoughts and emotions. Which personally i think is understandable.
One moment i am excited, happy, looking forward to moving and everything that it will include. And other times, like in the evenings i am struck with anxiety and fear and realise just what a big thing it is.... and i wonder What the hell am i doing? Cant i just stay safe in my comfort zone at home and never have to make big life choices like this.

At times i love being an independant adult and i long for my freedom and for new starts and new places. And other times i wish i could just stop the adultlife and be a child again and not have to deal with adult things like university, working, bills and everything else.

For the most part i havent actually thought about all the logistics and about "what might happen" when i move. Which has been super positive for my mental health, because when i begin painting up scenarios of how situations might be or what might happen i begin to get alot of anxiety and fear. So instead, by not thinking so much about it and not painting up pictures i dont have any expectations, good or bad. However these past few days when i have been lying in bed before i go to sleep, i have begun thinking more and more and that is when i feel overwhelmed and get anxiety. It feels like so much could go wrong, but at the same time... so much could go right.

But i admit i am worried that i might not make friends at university, and then suddenly i feel super alone in a new city. My plan is to try to jump right into being social and push myself to take to the people in my class, because i dont feel like being friendless in the new city, hahah.

I am worried about how it will go with my living accomodation and the woman i will be living with. I hope that we match in some way and that our lifestyles can go together. I.e that i dont have to sit and eat dinner with her everyday, or that she expects me to be super social... even if i will try my hardest at first. Hopefully all that works out ok, and that we get along and there wont be any irritations or anything. Last time when i lived with a girl in an apartment i was very open and said that we needed to communicate if the other person did something that you might get irritated over. .It makes it so much easier to live in the same household then!!

I am worried that i wont find where i am going - which i most likely wont, haha. But i still only have a phone that can do the basic sms and call thing and i have no gps or data when i dont have wifi so i am worried that once i step out from the house i will get lost... but i guess i will just have to rely on friendly people to help me, and a whole lot of Googling and maps before i leave the house.

I am worried that i wont be able to manage with the stress of school and studying again. Stress is basically the thing that knocks me to my knees each time. I have been doing sooo good and i dont want it all to fall again, but i know a reason i have been doing so good is that i havent been stressed and i havent had so much anxiety or guilt. But once school starts i have no idea how i will cope or how i will feel. But i will keep doing my best and taking my alternative medicine and try to not let the perfectionist and overachiever in me take over..... Though that is much easier said than done. But most of all i will focus on how i feel now, and how i dont want to let that go again and my mental health comes before school!!

Also i am worried about that if things dont turn out good.... such as if i do fall back into a deep depression, or if the program isnt what i thought it would be, or if the living accomodation doesnt workout or i dont make friends or any of that..... how will i feel if i have to travel home again? I dont know, hopefully that wont happen but of course i have said to myself that if things dont workout after a few months then i cant keep pushing and need to rethink my path.

So at the moment i am scared. I am nervous. I feel anxious at times. But also am super excited, happy, a little worried..... so many thoughts but also so little thoughts, if that even makes sense? It is scary to move, and to start new in some sense. New living, new school, new environment, new gym, new friends, maybe a new job..... And i have no idea what to expect. But i want to make the best of this and not let myself hold me back.

TOmorrow is moving day, i.e in 24 hours time i will be on my way! And all i can do is just go with it and hope for the best, but most importantly - MAKE it the best. Hoping and wishing isnt really enough, i need to make things good :)

Also a current realisation i have had, is that when i know i am moving or leaving people i tend to isolate myself even more.... set up a wall to make it easier in some sense. Most normal people when they know they are travelling away or moving somewhere they want to spend extra time with family, friends, maybe their pet. Me? I spend more time alone, less time with my family, less time with my dog.... all of this to make it sort of easier when i have moved, because then i will have already gotten used to them not being there. However, this backfires at times when i end up sitting alone at night and miss my family and my dog like crazy and wish i had spent extra time with them.
But i cant seem to stop the whole "pushing people away" self defence tactic, but i guess it makes it easier in some sense, but i definitely know it isnt so normal or even healthy in a way?

Anyway, i feel like i could write so much more but i will end this post here and most probably write an update in the weekend when i have sort of settled in, and of course i will still keep blogging and updating about my life so you can all follow with on this new chapter of my life and see how it develops :)

3 comments:

These thoughts and fears are all totally normal :) But I do think you have some valid concerns about falling prey to stress/anxiety/depression again. You're right that this is your pattern and usually your downfall. You'd be smart to have a plan going in to prevent falling into the same hole again. A campus counsellor could help you manage stress and help tailor a plan to keep you safe and functioning. I know that you won't want to do that, but maybe there are other things you can do. Set up a plan to call your mom at the end of each day, just to check in, say hi, whatever. If you have a routine of calling every day, then on the not-so-good days you''ll already be in the habit of checking in, and it's easier to say "today kinda sucked". It's also easier for your mom to hear how you are doing and pick up on trends so she is better able to support you. This might sound kind of intense, but it's honestly not a big deal. I have a sponsor I call Every. Single. Day. and it's really helpful and only takes a few minutes out of my day. Actually phoning is important, so they can hear your voice. Texts are easy to mask feelings through, easy to hide behind, so a phone call is important. You could also set up a study schedule and stick to it. Two hours every day, at the same time, and no more. Bookend your studies so they don't take over your whole life. Your plan to make friends is good, too, it'll help you keep a balance. (I'm sorry, I'm not trying to tell you what to do or how to live, I'm only offering suggestions that have worked for myself and others. I know you don't want to lose what you've gained over the summer, and my own recovery is highly dependant on carrying the message of recovery to others who are still suffering. ... Not that you are suffering, but I can only keep what I have by giving it away ;)). I'm excited to see where you go next with this big move! I think you'll be great. You know what worked and didn't work last year, so you can fine-tune your approach for better success this year.

Well I personally think this is going to be brilliant. The future holds so many wonderful opportunities for you and I'm so glad you're going for it! I hope you adjust to new things easily and that you make friends along the way. I hope you are able to challenge yourself to do things like talk to strangers. Also, regarding your course, know that hardly anyone knows what they want to study or work as or even what the course will be like. In a strange way, it's always nice to know you're not alone in your struggles. I think every course will have its downsides and there will be parts that you really couldn't care less about learning, but at least the majority of what you're doing will hopefully be right for you. I'm going through a similar era at the moment- moving away for university- and fortunately there are two other girls from my high school going to the same university as me. I guess it's about finding people to share your experiences with and getting involved in university events that make it a great time for you or not. You really get out what you put in. Otherwise, like my mom says to me, if you're only going to stay in your room and study all day every day, then you may as well do an online course. But going to university is about the full experience and j hope you get to enjoy that. I hope I will learn to force myself to get involved more- something I wasn't great with at school.

Also, I'm wondering, how do manage to stay so energized without energy drinks during school time? I get quite tired despite sleeping and eating plenty. Thanks Izzy and good luck with everything! You really deserve to have a wonderful time and future. Hopefully I'll get to meet you one day xx

Don't be scared Izzy; the future is daunting and scary but full of so many possibilities and unknowns! I am only a couple of yrs older than you and find you such an inspiration. You are so honest in your posts and are truly the reason I found the courage to recover. Keep exploring and bettering yourself :) xx

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About Me

Hello :)
I have had Anorexia and depression for c.a 5 years and been in and out of hospital for 2 years. But now im living my life like a normal teenager, I still have my ups and downs now and again, but i still stay positive and never give up.
In my blog i write about my daily life, and my opinions and views on certain things and i bring up topics and information that i think needs to be passed on!!
Leave a comment - love reading comments from people :)
If anyone wants to get in contact with me.
Mail me here --> lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com