WRITER

I'll Steak My Reputation On Those Eggs

After consulting with my handlers regarding how to raise my public profile, I’ve decided to start a new regimen of steak and eggs consumption each and every Sunday.

I know you think I’ll fail at this. “Pat McVay can’t eat two eggs a week with any consistency,” you’ll write in your blog (which no one reads, I’m sorry to have to tell you), "so how can he be expected to successfully add steak to the mix?" But your opinion about my beef-n-fowl repasts turns out to be totally uninformed, as you’ve never actually seen me eat eggs, let alone steak and eggs, because you have never been in my house on Sunday morning when I’ve been in training for this new program.

That’s about to change. I’m building a special glass pod off my kitchen where I can eat steak and eggs while reading the paper, and people like you can watch me from the sidewalk as I ignore you. In fact, I might just videotape myself being watched as I eat steak and eggs and don’t make eye contact with anyone, then will sell copies of the video of my steak and egg eating art.

I do believe I’ve solved the mystery of how to pay for my kids’ college educations.