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Art and Soul

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, it’s absolutely sickening how many gifts some people have, isn’t it? Like Ms. Paltrow with her acting and her singing and her cooking and her whole “best dressed woman in the world” thing. Steve Martin is also in this category. I read his latest book An Object of Beauty recently and I loved it. He’s a tornado of talent and a major art collector to boot. If I find out he speaks French I may have to hunt him down and slap him.

Then I read that Eric Clapton dabbles in art as well. Dabbles, as in he just sold a painting from his collection for $33 million. Apparently Slow Hand also has a keen eye.

If I were to collect anything in the world, it would be art. I’ve always wanted to study art history and work in an upscale gallery. I would wear black from head to toe, blood red lipstick and a fox stole, perfect a Russian accent and wax poetic about the genius of my latest exhibition “Penis Unleashed” to fools with more money than brains. Maybe next lifetime.

Anyway, it’s clear that if one wants to be someone in the creative world, one must collect. And Switzerland is very famous for museums and all things artsy-fartsy. So without further delay I’m starting a collection, one befitting my particular talents and varied accomplishments. I know a good piece when I see one …

Just go ahead and tell me that’s not art, I dare ya. I call it Giant Arse Waiting to Happen. Maybe this collection isn’t the wisest of investments, but if it’s worth is evaluated using the joy scale, I’d say it’s priceless.

I’m right there with you on Steve Martin, but Ms. Paltrow? Really? I’m not saying she isn’t talented, but I find her almost unbearably smug. It’s hard to take advice about parenting, wellness and nutrition from a person who named her first child after a piece of fruit, wears six-inch stilettos on a regular basis, and raves about the healing powers of the 10-day juice fast after earnestly stating that it’s unhealthy to work out with weights heavier than 1.5 kilos.

The sad thing about that Gerhard Richter painting that Clapton sold is that he only owned it and gets to haul in all that money — the guy who did the work and painted it gets nothing. No royalty, nothing. I feel bad for the guy, and I don’t even like Richter’s work.

Makes you glad to have chosen the lucrative filed of literature, where your $1.60 royalty per book is ALL YOURS. Yeah, writing is a smart choice.

Now if you can just figure out how to turn the empty silver wrappers into some kind of art … I’ve seen much weirder things passed off as art. Did you ever hear about the million penny exhibit in Halifax a couple of years ago? Basically a million pennies poured on the floor. Sheesh. You could do SO much more with silver wrappers :) (and get to enjoy the chocolate first)