In an attempt to dimly provide illumination on a chunky topic where fluffernutters are about all there are to dine on, I have set myself a ponderous task: explain how a web log floating in the hypertext-effluvium becomes ‘applaudable’ and (a bit further from the stain) how one may come to deserve ‘standing ovationable’ status. Furthermore, my glazeyed fucknucklers, I'll attempt to enunciate why those who I applaud in both the sitting and standing position have attained their dubious status.

Of many factors taken into consideration instinct-taneously: clean, concise, and engaging writing is of the utmost importance. Microseconds after a new blog strikes my rods and cones I begin making judgments. The topic rarely matters. Who the author is (or pretends to be) is never important. What matters is how unfettered-interesting I find the writing. How engaging are her or his words? As a writer, I'm looking for good reading; it's as simple as that.

I find sites at random (next-blog clicking), by trolling hubs and communities--usually focusing on art and writing subtopics, and I also utilize search engines. Leapblogging sites I've already identified as worthy doesn't work so much; I rarely favor my favorites-favorites. I don't blogroll and rarely peruse automatic-entry blogrolls. If a pre-surfer doesn't have time to manually add worthy sites to their template, then none are worthy of reading.

Applaudable becomes standing ovationable after several return visits cause me to laugh or cry--no matter, as long as I want to read more--and, then (obviously), I involuntarily stand up and bang my palms together. I either steal or create a button for those I consider standing ovationable because I expect they'll be around awhile, I'll be reading them often, and I want them to visually stand out on my site.

Disqualifiers abound. Some of the most egregious reasons for never getting a read let alone a golf-clap:

- Publicity slag-braggers who desire being awarded something unimportant by some other oddblog.- Unobjective, unresearched, conspiracy-theoralism. Do propagandizers and proselytizers breathe a different mix of oxygen and nitrogen? Maybe an inordinate amount of humidity and swamp-gas erases all self-analytical ability, resulting in pages of irrational, unreasonable, unentertaining dreck.- Of all of these reasons, succinctly encapsulated by Davecat, I especially despise trapper-keeper blogs which won't let me get away the instant I want to flee (which I usually recognize before their blog even loads because I've been greeted by a Java button: I'b BeEn MizEn U!!, and I fuckin have to click 'OK'.)

As of today, I hold these artists and writers in high regard (listed randomly with mine first as example):

Personal diary with interesting stories about clerking; her misery at being both with and without men and at not yet being married; and well-written glimpses at what it's like to be in her shoes. A favorite post: St. Valentines Day Massacre

Insightful perspectives focused on personal awareness, which leans toward optimistic betterment (of both the prolific author and her readers). Some technical advice and information and a huge amount of unique and wonderfully helpful tidbits. A favorite post: The Anti-Corporate Holiday Coalition

Advice and personal articles centered on how to cope with being without a roof over one's head and everything that would/does/will entail (drawn from the author's personal experiences). A favorite post: Get Comfortable Lying

Opinion-article site with many interesting recommendations; various book, music, and film opinions; as well as computer information and personal writings and photos. A favorite post: The Story of The Adopted Girl

Detail-laden journal concerning every emotion and thought of a young woman sentenced to three months in jail in a "third world country" for hitting and breaking a child's leg while DUI. A favorite post: Thursday 23 December 2004

Extremely humorous creative non-fiction personal log; stories about the author's life and history as well as her family, pets, and everything in between (on the cusp of forcing me to stand and clap). A favorite post: Ass Menagerie

Somewhat detail oriented excerpts from his daily life, business and daily schedule (which is chock-full to overflowing). Not very open personally, but very prolific about his interests. A favorite post: Listen so I don't have to SHOUT!

E-zine-style site with more links than a lone blogger can click, covering almost every relevant and interesting topic in the art and writing universe with more than just a sprinkling of jimmies on top. A favorite post: Cats and SF

Years of daily stories and art/photos, focused on the artists life, his partner, and his home and pets; wonderful photos and art; interesting fiction. A favorite post: No sunshine, no worms, no breakfast

I apologize if my subjective descriptions aren't the "public face" expected. Gender, sexual preference, and geographic location--gleaned from reading the sites--was provided to reflect the range of surperb artists I've "discovered" out of the vast stain of mediocrity. That was my intent. However, at least one person feels my 'compartmentalization' was rude and unnecessary and commented that I'm worse than a mass-murderer. Just yesterday I was berating myself, "Self, even Hitler was published...when are you going to at least become as good as him?" And now I learn that even his blog is preferable to mine. Scheiße...Dieses kurze dumme Haupthitler empfängt eine große Menge Gottfluchglück.