How To Win a Cocktail Competition

A man walks into a cocktail competition. He has a look around and he knows just what he’s got to do to win this badboy. He’s remembered everything about how the spirit is made right down to how many people touched the floor outside the distillery.

He checks his bag:

“Have I got everything I need? My own Boston tin, my own ice, my own bar spoon, my own glass, my own sugar syrup, my own infused lavender scented shrub, my own garnish of a thousand roses, each one scented with the lust of a thousand virgins, my own feet, my own hands and my own eyebrows.”

He’s ready for this.

He springs into action, he Steven Seagals it over the bar, showering his audience and judges with his homemade glitter that smells like the wild forests of Zanzibar. Reaching into his bag he pulls his equipment out, one by one, each time he shares the names he has given to every member of his individual bar equipment family.

He repeats everything he was taught for this moment like a pierced balloon, bouncing off the walls as the information is let out:
“it was made by…“, “created in this year…“, “balances perfectly with…“.

To really seal the deal, the drink is presented to the room on the back of two Tasmanian tigers whilst our entrant swings a ball of ambergris incense across the judging panel’s faces at a very precise 2mm, because, as everyone knows, 2mm is the perfect distance from whale vomit to appreciate the full aroma.

The judges reach for the glass, overcome from the smell of ocean chunder one of them slumps in his chair. It’s a disaster. He’s knocked one of the judges out and this is game over for him. Quickly, he reaches into the pit of his brain and: “One of the uses of Ambergris is as a sedative, giving the drink even more of that aperitif feel.” He’s bullshitted it out of the park. The judges are wowed, he’s made it out of shit creek with an improvised bar spoon as his paddle. “This is one for the history books” says one judge, bravely caressing his own inner thighs, “the entire world’s going to know your name. What’s in your drink again?”