We have all learned, either by instinct or by trial and error, how to minimize a situation that makes us uncomfortable. How to avoid angering a man or endangering ourselves. We have all, on many occasions, ignored an offensive comment. We’ve all laughed off an inappropriate come-on. We’ve all swallowed our anger when being belittled or condescended to.

It doesn’t feel good. It feels icky. Dirty. But we do it because to not do it could put us in danger or get us fired or labeled a bitch. So we usually take the path of least precariousness.

It’s not something we talk about every day. We don’t tell our boyfriends and husbands and friends every time it happens. Because it is so frequent, so pervasive, that it has become something we just deal with.

So maybe they don’t know.

Maybe they don’t know that at the tender age of 13 we had to brush off adult men staring at our breasts.

Maybe they don’t know that men our dad’s age actually came on to us while we were working the cash register.

They probably don’t know that the guy in English class who asked us out sent angry messages just because we turned him down.

They may not be aware that our supervisor regularly pats us on the ass.

And they surely don’t know that most of the time we smile, with gritted teeth, that we look away or pretend not to notice. They likely have no idea how often these things happen. That these things have become routine. So expected that we hardly notice it anymore.

So routine that we go through the motions of ignoring it and minimizing.

Not showing our suppressed anger and fear and frustration. A quick cursory smile or a clipped laugh will allow us to continue with our day. We de-escalate. We minimize it. Both internally and externally, we minimize it. We have to. To not shrug it off would put us in confrontation mode more often than most of us feel like dealing with.

We learn at a young age how to do this. We didn’t put a name or label to it. We didn’t even consider that other girls were doing the same thing. But we were teaching ourselves, mastering the art of de-escalation. Learning by way of observation and quick risk assessment what our reactions should and shouldn’t be.

We go through a quick mental checklist. Does he seem volatile, angry? Are there other people around? Does he seem reasonable and is just trying to be funny, albeit clueless? Will saying something impact my school/job/reputation? In a matter of seconds we determine whether we will say something or let it slide. Whether we’ll call him out or turn the other way, smile politely or pretend that we didn’t hear/see/feel it. It happens all the time. And it’s not always clear if the situation is dangerous or benign.

It is the boss who says or does something inappropriate. It is the customer who holds our tip out of reach until we lean over to hug him. It’s the male friend who has had too much to drink and tries to corner us for a “friends with benefits” moment even though we’ve made it clear we’re not interested. It’s the guy who gets angry if we turn him down for a date. Or a dance. Or a drink.

We see it happen to our friends. We see it happen in so many scenarios and instances that it becomes the norm. And we really don’t think anything of it. Until that one time that came close to being a dangerous situation. Until we hear that the “friend” who cornered us was accused of rape a day later. Until our boss makes good on his promise to kiss us on New Year’s Eve when he catches us alone in the kitchen. Those times stick out.

It’s lying and saying we have a boyfriend just so a guy would take “No” for an answer.

It’s being at a crowded bar/concert/insert any crowded event, and having to turn around to look for the jerk who just grabbed our ass. It’s knowing that even if we spot him, we might not say anything.

It’s walking through the parking lot of a big box store and politely saying Hello when a guy passing us says Hi. It’s pretending not to hear as he berates us for not stopping to talk further. What? You too good to talk to me? You got a problem? Pffft… bitch.

It’s not telling our friends or our parents or our husbands because it’s just a matter of fact, a part of our lives.

It’s the memory that haunts us of that time we were abused, assaulted or raped. It’s the stories our friends tell us through heartbreaking tears of that time they were abused, assaulted or raped.

It’s realizing that the dangers we perceive every time we have to choose to confront these situations aren’t in our imagination. Because we know too many women who have been abused, assaulted or raped.

◊♦◊

It occurred to me recently that a lot of guys may be unaware of this.

They have heard of things that happened, they have probably at times seen it and stepped in to stop it. But they likely have no idea how often it happens. That it colors much of what we say or do and how we do it. Maybe we need to explain it better. Maybe we need to stop ignoring it ourselves, minimizing it in our own minds.

The guys that shrug off or tune out when a woman talks about sexism in our culture? They’re not bad guys. They just haven’t lived our reality. And we don’t really talk about the everyday stuff that we witness and experience. So how could they know?

So, maybe the good men in our lives have no idea that we deal with this stuff on a regular basis.

Maybe it is so much our norm that it didn’t occur to us that we would have to tell them.

It occurred to me that they don’t know the scope of it and they don’t always understand that this is our reality. So, yeah, when I get fired up about a comment someone makes about a girl’s tight dress, they don’t always get it. When I get worked up over the everyday sexism I’m seeing and witnessing and watching… when I’m hearing of the things my daughter and her friends are experiencing… they don’t realize it’s the tiny tip of a much bigger iceberg.

Maybe I’m realizing that men can’t be expected to understand how pervasive everyday sexism is if we don’t start telling them and pointing to it when it happens. Maybe I’m starting to realize that men have no idea that even walking into a store women have to be on guard. We have to be aware, subconsciously, of our surroundings and any perceived threats.

Maybe I’m starting to realize that just shrugging it off and not making a big deal about it is not going to help anyone.

We de-escalate.

We are acutely aware of our vulnerability. Aware that if he wanted to, that guy in the Home Depot parking lot could overpower us and do whatever he wants.

We are sexualized before we even understand what that means. We develop into women while our minds are still innocent.

We get stares and comments before we can even drive—-from adult men.

We feel uncomfortable but don’t know what to do, so we go about our lives. We learn at an early age, that to confront every situation that makes us squirm is to possibly put ourselves in danger. We are aware that we are the smaller, physically weaker sex—that boys and men are capable of overpowering us if they choose to. So we minimize and we de-escalate.

◊♦◊

So, the next time a woman talks about being cat-called and how it makes her uncomfortable, don’t dismiss her. Listen.

The next time your wife complains about being called “Sweetheart” at work, don’t shrug in apathy. Listen.

The next time you read about or hear a woman call out sexist language, don’t belittle her for doing so. Listen.

The next time your girlfriend tells you that the way a guy talked to her made her feel uncomfortable, don’t shrug it off. Listen.

Listen because your reality is not the same as hers.

Listen because her concerns are valid and not exaggerated or inflated.

Listen because the reality is that she or someone she knows personally has at some point been abused, assaulted, or raped. And she knows that it’s always a danger of happening to her.

Listen because even a simple comment from a strange man can send ripples of fear through her.

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About Gretchen Kelly

Gretchen Kelly blogs at Drifting Through My Open Mind where she writes about love, grief, equality, and social justice. She's been featured on The Huffington Post, Upworthy, Elephant Journal, and Scary Mommy. When she's not day dreaming or seeing live music, she writes.

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This comment thread simply disgusts me. The author, simply asking men to Listen to female experience and the replies are almost universally men saying ‘me too, me too’ – ‘I was bullied as a kid!’ – and ta da ‘the author is a stuck up B’. Almost NONE of you “Good Men” are LISTENING… Damn it – this is EVERY DAY. This isn’t about being bullied, and it isn’t about biology and it isn’t about the author being too nice. For all you me to guys, let me ask: when was the last time you were assaulted because a man… Read more »

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2 years ago

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OLIVER CHAPMAN

An excellent article, Gretchen! Keep it up! I believe in you!

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2 years ago

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Paul

Sociology is a fascinating and complicated thing. I’m 51 years old, and I feel like I’ve grown up with this knowledge (what women deal with), maybe not so specifically put, but constantly reiterated in many ways, particularly in media. From the time I was born, there have been moral lessons about treating women fairly, and with genuine respect. Which is good. But 51 years later, it’s still presented as if it’s some message of revelation, and I wonder what that means. I know what diehard feminists would say: it’s because things haven’t changed. And that may be somewhat true, in… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Guest

Great article, but how does this end sexism by only discussing one side? To be fair and equal the same article should be written about the difficulties being male as well.. there are a lot of things that males have to deal with that females do not.. society tells us that men should act a different way and if you don’t then you are not a man. Just explaining one side does not help the cause only further segregate it.

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2 years ago

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ShaunMarie

Because not everything is about YOU. What other side? How many men out there are going to cop to harassing women? Here is the other side: “Dude, she was so hot… so I followed her in my car. Bitch tried to cross the street! Hahaha! So, I sped up, and just parked on the corner!” OR “These 14 year old girls, they come over to visit my daughter. They run around in pajamas, and man – I get SO hard I just can’t help myself….” OR “She was walking down the street, and I had nothing to do so I… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Chau Vinist

Women, seek safety in the kitchen! Studies show that the kitchen provides sanctuary from most stigmata of fear that you experience. This safe haven is three times as effective if you’re making breakfast, sandwiches, baking, or simply cleaning up after everyone.

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2 years ago

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Denny

Oh, but men do know about “the reality.” Growing up, I was on the small side. I had to smile my way past bigger bullies, ignore taunts from groups of kids from other neighborhoods when I wasn’t with my own neighborhood group, etc. We call it bullying today. What some women don’t understand is that virtually every man went through something like this. Even the large guys among us had to run the gauntlet of older, bigger males in groups. We didn’t usually get groped, but we did get grabbed in the genitals, just to see us wince; we didn’t… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Ken

There are men like I who are aware that this happens. We will never fully get it. But when we see it, we need to stand up and help. The sad part is that too many men and a number of women are proud to be willfully ignorant.

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2 years ago

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Just wondering

This woman will never get it. She is too self-absorbed to be able to see anything but her own perceived reality. She wants to ignore human nature and the social norms that dictate that men have to put themselves out there for rejection and insult by a person that has no qualifications to judge you. Instead she has a victim mentality so she will never be capable of understanding or showing compassion for her male counterparts. She will never see that as a society we have reduced men down to little more than slaves with no feelings and no needs.… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Tina

This made me think. I’m 66. I certainly have had some of those experiences but not anywhere to the degree that others have or as described above. So I wondered why. For a long time, I had assumed it must have been because I was not very attractive. But others who are not raving beauties experience it. And I’m not that unappealing. So, I think the answer is because I have an invisible shield. I don’t mean magic. I mean somehow early on, I must have learned how to project disinterest, don’t come near me, or something. It probably served… Read more »

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2 years ago

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J R

Or possibly every woman is subjected to these incidents as little as you, just some exaggerate it

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2 years ago

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Anonymous

This is a stupid article. Everyone has challenges in life, being a man or a woman. We all face hardships.

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2 years ago

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Always

So what’s yours?

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2 years ago

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R. Paredes

It takes a very entitled white woman to state that men do not experience this; she probably means “white men” do not experience this. Everyone who is not white and privileged realizes that not only women, but plenty of people who are native Indians or the working poor in a wealthy society, the black anywhere in the western world, male or female experience this reality. Get off your high white horses people!!

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2 years ago

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Fallon

Because “white men” are magical. Grow up.

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2 years ago

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Terrance

“Maybe I’m realizing that men can’t be expected to understand how pervasive everyday sexism is if we don’t start telling them and pointing to it when it happens.” Yes!!!! Finally, someone who realizes that educating unconscious oppressors IS the role of an activist, and will probably be more effective than screaming at them for not “just getting it”. It took me years to come to a better understanding, from my limited and privileged male perspective. For many men, I’m guessing they also have found it difficult to not brand all feminism as the dogmatic and aggressive “man-hating” that is most… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Eric O

The rape culture is what has driven the violent dispossession and genocide of indigenous peoples all across the world. It is the same culture of male domination that has existed for millennia, which from the middle ages saw women with medicinal or political knowledge branded as witches and burned at the stake. It is the rape of the mother earth and the genocide and dispossession of entire species of living things without care or thought or understanding. It is the culture of elitism, greed,vanity and power through violence. The same culture that has fueled conflict and armed power struggles across… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Victor B

Stop de-escalating. Seriously, it’s better be be called a bitch than to become a victim. I know what women go through, especially large chested ones with a small waist and good hips, I know because my name wasn’t always Victor, it was once Victoria. I been there and I was a take no shit kinda woman back then. Look, yeah guys do tend to have a larger structure and more physical strength however what women have is more agility and endurance along with ten little weapons at the ends of their fingers. A woman can take down a biological man,… Read more »

Ye..A woman needs to open up n tell all to someone who cares to listen. It is important that she is allowed to form her free and fair opinion since beginning. It instills faith n confidence in her. This is all what one successful woman would need in life.

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2 years ago

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Eric 2

Let’s see, how can one express the fact this website is not legitimate if it removes any comments in conflict with it?

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2 years ago

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Eric 2

Ah yes the age old battle. I’ll let all you whippersnappers duel it out as it has been forever.
But one “phrase” that I have not seen addressed in the comments and needs probably the most ardent condemnation is “rape culture” used in her first paragraph as though it actually exists.
IT DOES NOT.
You can argue all the fine points of distinction between men and women but this is pure unadulterated fantasy and needs to be called out.

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2 years ago

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BethBlmt

I am so glad that the author called out this type of comment in the first few paragraphs. Every. Single. Time.
Eric 2, yours is a dangerous extremely unfortunate, skewed view of our actual culture.

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2 years ago

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John

True story, a female supervisor wrote me up because I didn’t respond in chipper manner. Many of us guys are innocent of the BS that girls and women go through. But we’re wired differently, and even though the intention isn’t personal, it seems that women act as if all men are like that. The most egregious case of this is in a big insult, when in a college, a list with many names were randomly put in with no proof. What was the heading of this list? Potential rapists. If women don’t want to lose anymore credibility, please be careful… Read more »

That’s the ticket there, “Dii”, let’s get out here and throttle those misguided guys who choose NOT to treat women this way ( still get punished for that) and dutifully compare their behavior to what Ms. Kelly has mentioned, hoping to see that THEY do not, and will not act this way. Some evaluation HAS to take place….even when you try to LISTEN!

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2 years ago

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Eric

“What the EARTH experiences and what people don’t know.” Thought about it? …about her children, the animals being hunted, captured, bred and tortured, even also raped, and eaten. it is the waters being polluted (as are women’s feelings, with fear, guilt…), it is ecosystems being destroyed. Can you imagine her feeling of A SPECIES going extinct? Women as Daughters of the Earth are closer to her than the spirits in masculine energy. That’s why they get cervical and breast cancer en masse, as also parts of the Earth become infertile. But this likewise affects the SONS of the Earth, the… Read more »

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2 years ago

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Adam

You only wrote this because you wanted to write a story that would create( Much Debate) and to do that you first need to irritate men and wimmen using gender diversity ! Bravo. you keep your job another week!

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2 years ago

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Sig

So once again females only want males to “listen”. Not do anything, not help, just listen. Since we aren’t wired the same way, listening to someone and not coming up with at least a coping solution (and yes, we have to cope with shit rather than tell people off, too) is completely foreign to us. Think about it, when the guys in your life are mad about something that happened to them, and they bitch about it to you, you respond with “what do you want me to do about it?”, because you know they are asking for help, not… Read more »

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2 years ago

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david

Article was a waste of time, very petty and dumb.. even worse in the comment section, argument between beta males and females. person who wrote this article has some serious issues, fucking dumb post..

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2 years ago

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Matt

I am not going to minimise this whatsoever but draw attention to the underlying theme that people generally do not understand what they haven’t lived themselves. Being a gay man is terrifying. The fear that the group of guys walking down the street might set on you for the smallest kink in your armour of social conformity. The getting drugged in a club, raped and dumped at a train station. Reporting sexual harassment at work and not being believed it has ain’t it acted upon because you are gay and don’t matter as much. I haven’t lived as a Jew,… Read more »

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2 years ago

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JustSomeone\'sThoughts

Sexual harassment and abuse can happen to both genders. And although it happens to one sex more than the other, that other sex has no shelter to go to or even friends to take comfort in because it is seen as a joke when sexual harassment/abuse is done to that gender. I’ll let you guess which is which.

Your preconceived notions show that you haven’t even tried to challenge your believes. Usually this comes from the desire to be right and some kind of authoritarian power grab.
Now, good day to you.

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2 years ago

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Tiago

What a “scared society” we live in.
This is just a lot of drama.

As you said in the article “your reality is not the same as hers”, meaning people create their own reality. So, nowadays, what we have is a lot of woman thinking that men are hitting on them 24/7 and that all men mean the same when they say “hi” or ask something.