Please don’t call to pitch one of these. Somebody already thought of it, and we said no.

We’ve noticed that a competitor’s compilation is selling well, so we spent five minutes creating an almost identical one, and although we are offering no promotional plan or marketing support, we’d like you devise and fund a major retail marketing campaign for it.

Wagner for Relaxation

You already have this product in stock, but we’ll be sending you a new copy with slightly different artwork. Can you promote it?

The best-selling singles of Gustav Mahler

You’ve had this record in stock since it was released three years ago, but our company took over distribution of the label last week. Customers will want to know that, right?

Demand is inversely proportional to price, so if we make it free, everybody will want it. Then we’ll really be in business.

The current financial climate has caused us to rethink the amount of music that constitutes “Every Piece Of Classical Music You’ll Ever Need”. To this end, we have created this 100-track addendum entitled “All The Other Pieces Of Classical Music You’ll Ever Need”.

People really like Pachelbel’s Canon, but they don’t like his other music. Clearly, the problem here has to do with cover art.

Classical Music for Fishing*

The cover of this bad compilation album looks a bit like the poster for that movie that isn’t the sequel to the Da Vinci Code.

*Or any other pastime which, whilst not directly precluding the use of art music as an accompaniment, is certainly not an activity for which a specific program of music would be particularly suitable.

Comments

If we use Twitter for anything, I reckon it should be for reviews. Most music critics only have about one sentence-worth of actual insight about a record anyway. Condense an entire issue of Gramophone to one-liners, and people might read it.