Those of you familiar with the geography around the cradle of filth will know of Silver Street British Rail station and its railway bridge. This is a place which holds great horrors for me.

It was under this bridge in 2002 that a pigeon sh*t on me on the way to the ground as I passed by. Not on the head, you understand, but the splat on my back was a sign that it was not going to be West Ham’s day. So it turned out, when a deflected, somewhat lucky late shot from Gardner went in and we lost 3-2.

I went back there today to exorcise the demon. As I approached the fateful spot, my spirits rose. Someone had put that pigeon fencing all around and there was not a sign of a rat with wings. It was then that I knew something good was going to happen behind enemy lines.

BCMA

There is something exceptionally distasteful about the walk to Sh*te Hart Lane along the High Road. Maybe I have an irrational hatred of Tottscum (or BCMA as I call them – “big club my ar*e), but amongst the deluded retards that that follow the lillysh*tes, I am always overwhelmed with nausea. It goes back a long, long time from those days at school in my home town when we were outnumbered by the f*ckers.

There was a core of us who remained true to the claret and blue against all odds. It was like Rourke’s Drift in our school playground sometimes, but we were never gave an inch. If there’s any Hammer going to school in Enfield tomorrow, walk in with a wry smile on your face and tell the Sp*ds what I now fervently believe – “Qualification for Europe, my ar*e”.

Rip-off

Entering the turnstiles at the Park Lane, I did politely suggest that £43 to get into an open sewer was nothing short of daylight robbery. It pains me to think that 3,000 or so Irons have put our hard earned cash into their coffers. I expect Mr Terry Brown to ensure that we recover a similar amount when they make the trip to Upton Park on May 7th next year.

After enduring the usual pathetic video propaganda and “Glory, Glory Tottscum Hotspur” (ESM Jnr: “I hate that song”) the teams arrived on the pitch. Our line up was pretty much as expected, although news of Carroll’s return was clearly premature as Trinidad & Tobago’s keeper turned out. Interesting that both of today’s goalkeepers will be featuring in the World Cup next year.

In front of Shaka were Tom, Gabbers, Anton and Konch. Midfield saw a start for Mark Noble along with ex-Sp*d Matty, Mullins and Yossi, while Teddy and Marlon were up front.

No Defoe

BCMA, however did not have the starting team I was expecting. Maybe it was fear of East End retribution, or maybe it was because he’s been sh*t of late (no goals in five games), but Keane got the nod over Defoe. I was also expecting to see Lennon start, but Uncle Fester clearly preferred a more defensive stance. Maybe there’s some irony here, but the two players – Zamora and Defoe – that had featured in that sordid little deal which to this day I still do not understand, were on the respective benches.

Two minutes in and Matty got clattered waiting for the ball, necessitating some treatment. After this stoppage, Sp*ds seemed to take the initiative. First, on 5 minutes, Oakley’s best customer from Holland took a pot shot from 25 yards which struck Mullins and went behind for a corner. Then a minute later, Keane broke free and into the left hand side of the box. The lousy little leprechaun got a shot away from an acute angle but this was held well down low by Shaka.

Mullins, who had clearly been told to get involved from the outset, then saw a good shot curl just wide on 10 minutes. Encouraged by this, West Ham then went another break down the left a minute later. The ball was passed to Teddy who laid it off to Yossi. He turned nicely and fired away a great shot which went agonisingly wide of the right hand post.

Konch v filthy Finn

It was handbags at the halfway line on 14 minutes between Konch and the filthy Fin Tainio after the latter went piling into the advertising hoarding. There looked nothing in it and Tainio’s outrage appeared to be fuelled more by the fact that he’d made a complete c*nt of himself falling over like an extra from a Keystone Cops movie. Inexplicably, ref Alan Wiley gave the Sp*ds a free kick.

A minute later and we were all roundly p*ssed off as the enemy scored. Mark Noble lost the ball in the centre of the park and then a foul was committed. Dawson stepped up and chipped a speculative ball forward and we were caught napping. No central defender was on hand to challenge Mido and Shaka decided to come off his line into no man’s land. The Egyptian saw what was going on and just loped a free header over the stranded ‘keeper. I’d rather go the dentist or have a vasectomy in preference to seeing the gathered detritus celebrating a goal against us.

Teddy v lowlander

Tempers frayed just after the goal on the 20 minute mark as Davids crudely fouled Teddy. I was pretty fearful as from where I was standing it looked like Teddy took a half slap, half punch at the low(life)lander. It ended up with both of ‘em getting a yellow and a free kick to us.

Despite going behind, we responded immediately. Marlon went close on 22 minutes after Teddy chested the ball down, but it looked like he shinned it rather than getting a boot on it.

Next, the South Korean Young-Pyo Lee (big opportunity missed here to sing “Lee, Lee, wherever you may be, you eat dogs in your home country…” to the tune of ‘Lord of the Dance’) broke free down the left but Shaka was on hand again to gather a low shot from a tight angle. Immediately afterwards on 24 minutes, we had some fortune as Mido teased Tom on the edge of the box and got a ball out to just outside the D. The ball ended up being sliced horribly wide from a dangerous position.

Traitor sighted

Then the travelling supporters’ collective ire was raised as Defoe was noticed warming up down the touchline. “One greedy b*stard, there’s only one greedy b*stard” and “You’re just a short Paul Ince” raged the left hand side of the Park Lane.

A couple of chances followed one after the other on 40 minutes involving Noble. First, he weaved his way through the Sp*ds defence but no-one was there to get on the end of his cross. Then he had the ball in the back of the net after a Teddy shot – which he should have converted - bounced off Robinson. It looked like he was correctly ruled off side.

The last action of the half involved Michael Carrick after a free kick was awarded on the right hand edge of the box during the three minutes added time. His shot was put over rather poorly.

I will always feel aggrieved to be behind against the N17 numpties, but today this felt really acute. This was a pretty scrappy game, not untypical of London derbies over the years. It was a lack of concentration which had allowed them to get their snouts in front.

Take your custom elsewhere

I will always be suspicious of anything organised by Tottscum, and believe me, the cheating f*ckers even fixed the half time entertainment. This involved a rather lithe looking Sp*ds fan being pitched against a tubby West Ham counterpart in a dribble (round some deckchairs) and shoot out. Our man looked like he had sh*t his pants (no offence, mate, but that’s how I saw it) as they were hanging around his ankles. It was obvious who would complete the exercise more quickly and win the prize holiday.

Incidentally this whole charade was sponsored by Thomson, a tour company that I personally will never use due to their association with BCMA. I invite you to boycott them with me and book your summer holidays elsewhere. Do not shop at Ryman either, who have been funding another objectionable club south of the river. By the way, if you harbour any remaining doubt that ex-Millw*nk Chairman Theo Paphites is an absolute t*sser, have a look at Dragon’s Den on BBC2 this Tuesday and make your own mind up.

The second half started well for West Ham with a nice through ball on 47 minutes from Teddy to set Matty on his way. Astonishingly – at least from where I was standing – Matty was ruled offside.

The lurking Egyptian

Sp*ds then caused us some problems around the 51st minute mark. The filthy Finn sent over a dangerous cross which Tom did well to turn behind for a corner with the Egyptian lurking. A second corner resulted from the move and Shaka did very well to come out sharply to block an overhead kick from Keane. The ball was not cleared and it came out to Davids whose rocket of a shot was superbly blocked by Anton.

Tom lost the plot on 53 minutes with a near disastrous back pass that Shaka managed to volley away somehow.

Matty found some space on 59 minutes and made a good run forwards but his delivery was poor with Marlon running into the box with hope in his heart. Two minutes later Matty turned provider for Konch, but he let the ball run out after making good progress.

England’s No. 1

One of the saves of the season followed on 67 minutes after a corner had been sent over from the left by Matty. Teddy appeared to make a jinked volley from point blank range which Robinson some how managed to tip over the bar. Grudging as I am to agree with anything that comes out of the mouth of a Sp*ds fan, it was hard to disagree with the claim that the ‘keeper is indeed England’s No. 1.

The tricky Lennon came on for Tainio on 69 minutes, and six minutes later another good corner from Matty saw the ball go loose to Yossi in the box, but his goal-bound shot, hit with real power, was blocked by Mido doing defensive duties.

Matty broke free again a minute later and did well to get a shot away but this went wide of the right hand upright.

Last chance changes

Pardew, after several minutes of supplication from the travelling support, decided to make a change on 77 minutes and Tom/Marlon were replaced by Newton/Zamora. Uncle Fester’s response a minute later was to really get the hackles up by bringing on Defoe for Keane.

Things were not looking good as the clock ticked away. Z-man was looking clumsy and there were howls of anguish around me on 87 minutes as Teddy found some space in the box but no-one was on hand to latch onto his ball across the box.

Things nearly went from bad to worse as we pressed for the equaliser. In an attempt to move the ball quickly out of defence, Newton gifted a pass to Jenas on the edge of the box. His shot looked like it was going to beat Shaka but we were all mightily relieved to see it curl just wide of the right hand post.

Sh*t or bust

It looked like it was all over, but as we entered the two minutes added time, another corner was won down the left which Konch hurried to take. Trinidad & Tobago’s No. 1 decided it was sh*t or bust time and he sprinted down the field to join in the action, Peter Schmeichel-style. The lillysh*te scum looked unnerved and as the ball got whipped in over the out of position Robinson, there was Anton rising like a fish to nod down expertly and into the net.

This led to scenes of unbridled jubilation which I have not witnessed since Paolo scored at Scumford Bridge or when the Italian maestro mugged Barthez. Pardew was going radio rental down at the dugout. Anton was off in an embarrassing dance. It was bedlam and ESM Jnr got lifted up by some bloke next to him that he didn’t know from Adam. It was better than sex. If only you could bottle moments like that. What made it even sweeter was all around the ground it was quiet as the grave. Not a peep from the tw*t with the drum. Silenced by the team that the mouthy c***s were calling their ‘feeder club’ just a few minutes before. Uncle Fester had a face like a slapped ar*e. It was absolutely f*cking priceless.

This season just gets better. I am like a dog with two dicks. Yet you still you hear West Ham fans moaning on Talk Sport and picking on Marlon. For f*ck’s sake boys, take a look at the table. Listen to the glorious sound of Sp*ds whine. Big club, my ar*e.

Shaka HislopSome of his early handling looked a bit suspect and his indecision was costly over the goal but he made a fine save blocking Keane’s overhead kick in the second half.

Tomas RepkaGiven a hard time in the first half when Yossi gave him little protection. However looked solid in the second half and put in two thundering tackles in quick succession to end a Sp*rs break.

Paul KoncheskyAnother solid match which ought to cement his place in the national squad, unless Sven can find another left back who’s been out injured for a couple of years to pick in front him. No doubt he’s looking as we speak.

Danny GabbidonRecovered from a slightly shaky start – including getting flattened by a dodgy Mido challenge – to have a fine second half.

Anton FerdinandGood in defence and his goal – if not his celebration – will probably go into Hammers folklore alongside Jimmy Walker’s penalty save at Chelsea last year.

Hayden MullinsExcellent stuff and was a mite unlucky not to get his name on the scoresheet with his early effort went wide. Quietly effective for most of the match, he is almost becoming something of an unsung hero.

Mark NobleHis battle with Davids was the highlight of the maych for me. He gave the Dutchman no respect whatsoever, got stuck in and distributed the ball well. Can he do it at premiership level? What a daft question!

Yossi BenayounFailed to stamp his authority on the match though he did get in a couple of shots. Made things difficult for Repka by losing his man too much in the first half though he tightened things up in the second half.

Teddy SheringhamThe shot that Robinson saved apart he didn’t get any meaningful efforts in on goal though he did do a fair job defensively from time to time by coming deeper to break up the odd home attack.

Matthew EtheringtonThis match summed up Etherington’s season in a nutshell. There were times he harried and hassled and looked good going forward. Then there were other spells when he looked almost disinterested. Thankfully on this occasion the good spells narrowly outnumbered the poor.

Teddy SheringhamThe shot that Robinson saved apart he didn’t get any meaningful efforts in on goal though he did do a fair job defensively from time to time by coming deeper to break up the odd home attack.