Birthright

Let’s start this post by my giving you a run-down of a semi-fictional situation. A friend of a friend recently hit 38. This person being an entirely normal woman she is interested in having a child, but… isn’t currently in a stable relationship. So what can she do? IVF is prohibitively expensive of course. She doesn’t have any male friends she feels close enough to for them to both reach a ‘conception arrangement’ (I’m sure there’s some metrosexual phrase for that, if anyone can illuminate, I’d appreciate it).

So what she chose was the third option, getting up the duff to a semi-casual boyfriend.

The details of what actually transpired are sketchy, and I’m not wanting to gossip, so I’ll state some “facts”, and any commenters should stick to them.

1. We have the casual boyfriend, and the woman wanting a child.

2. The casual boyfriend isn’t informed about what’s going on, and doesn’t know that there isn’t any contraception (perhaps he was told “I’ll take care of it”).

3. Conception ensues, and the baby is carried to term despite the boyfriend stating that he isn’t interested in being a parent.

And what’s wrong with the situation? Well, I’m not so sure myself, which is why I thought I’d bring it up.

For starters I imagine that in my group this type of action could become increasingly common. A lot of women around my age have left children very late, and lot are becoming very jumpy about missing their window.

The scenario I’ve outlined does raise issues about the rights of fathers in an environment where single 30-something women are seeking children. If you’re sleeping with a woman who is pining for children, do you have an obligation to support any offspring if you were under the misapprehension that contraception was involved? A decent man will always take responsibility for his children, but if you were mislead into a conception haven’t you just been taken advantage of?

I’m of the opinion that if you have made the presumption that children are not part of a relationship (casual or otherwise) but find yourself a father, then you are justified in asking, wtf? This is especially the case because while you aren’t legally obliged to put your name on a birth certificate, you are morally obliged to do so. As I say, a decent man will take responsibility for any child he helps create, and there is a necessary and appropriate social stigma in abandoning a mother and child.

But if you’ve made the decision not to procreate and had that choice taken away from you, then you are in effect trapped under a moral obligation to be a decent man, and a father. And what flows from that moral obligation is a financial one.

Personally I find this scenario alarming, and a little outrageous. I can understand that missing out on children is a personal tragedy for many. And I can understand that social, financial and career pressures can prevent a woman from having children at the “ideal” time. Furthermore there is nothing wrong with single parents (assuming that the parent continues to support themself and the child by their own means), but two parents are most usually a better option. But none of these factors give a woman the right to use a man to conceive, and thereby entrap him in parenthood, if he choses not to enter it.

I should reiterate. This is a simplified re-telling of a real-life situation I’d like to act as a conversation-piece. So your opinions, please.

Um, logistically speaking, isn’t sperm donation different from IVF? And not actually prohibitively expensive? Well, not if you think you’re able to afford children once they arrive.

The sticking point is not so much the cost – low for sperm donation compared to IVF – as the availability of sperm donors. There just aren’t so many men lining up to be donors these days, in part because under NZ practice, they have to be prepared to allow any resulting children to contact them once the children turn 18.

I think it is basically a turkey baster, but if that doesn’t work, then of course it becomes more complicated. However, if she conceived reasonably easily with a “real” partner, I can’t see why there would be an issue.

Hm… I don’t entirely agree. I think that taking responsibility for contraception might be by agreeing jointly with someone you trust about what contraception you’ll use between you.

Take a couple where the woman has an IUD, for instance, where they’re both happy to risk the (very low) failure rate for an IUD, and they want to be sexually exclusive and get STD tests at the start. If they trust each other I can see absolutely no reason why they should add condoms to the mix. If they don’t trust each other they have a whole range of problems which condoms just won’t solve.

I personally see Che’s story as being more of a warning about having sex with people who are untrustworthy in general – pregnancy is only one of the possible consequences of sex with someone who behaves badly.

He didn’t want to have kids? Then he is the one who takes responsibility for his own contraception. Full stop. Doesn’t matter what she says – it’s his responsibility.

A man has to make the decision about whether or not he is prepared to be a father the moment he puts his penis in someone else’s vagina. He needs to take the appropriate action then, like put on a condom. Women get a bit longer to decide, because they can choose an abortion.

It’s one of the instances where women get a better deal than men (c/f both genders getting the same sort of deal and / or c/f men getting a better deal than women) when it comes to sexuality. Deal with it.

Until I got married, and ended up in a secure, longterm trusting relationship (c/f having a casual boyfriend), I took responsibility for my own contraception. Why? Because I didn’t want to end up with an unplanned pregnancy, no matter what the bloke said about vasectomies / condoms / whatever.

“I’m of the opinion that if you have made the presumption that children are not part of a relationship (casual or otherwise) but find yourself a father, then you are justified in asking, wtf? This is especially the case because while you aren’t legally obliged to put your name on a birth certificate, you are morally obliged to do so. As I say, a decent man will take responsibility for any child he helps create, and there is a necessary and appropriate social stigma in abandoning a mother and child.”

Okaayyyy….but reverse the genders for a minute. A woman is in a casual relationship, presumes kids aren’t on the agenda, but whoopsie, she’s preggers.

Is she ‘morally obliged to put her name on the birth certificate?’ Or is she entitled to have abortion if she so chooses?

Quite apart from pregnancy issues, unless the woman and the man in this scenario both presented each other with recent clean bill of health from and sexually transmitted infection screening, he should have been using a condom. Some stats from the Institute of Environmental Science & Research:

Chlamydia trachomatis infection is the most commonly diagnosed STI in New Zealand.

From 2003 to 2007 the number of chlamydia and gonorrhoea cases diagnosed at SHCs has increased by 19.4% and 55.5%, respectively. Over the same time period clinic visits increased by 11.3%.

Young people remain at high risk of STIs. In SHCs, 72.0% of chlamydia, 61.6% of gonorrhoea, 43.2% of genital herpes and 62.3% of genital warts cases were aged less than 25 years.

Basically chlamydia is endemic in this country, so you’d have to be a bit of a fool to be engaging in unprotected sex with a casual partner.

Its dishonest of the woman no matter what the circumstance and I don’t think its a very good course of action. I can see why someone would do it – but it seems selfish (what about the kid’s future for a start). I know a guy in a similar situation – things got tough with the kids (health problems) so the mother changed her mind and decided the father shoudl be involved. Hit him out of the blue and put quite a lot of stress in his marriage. This kids a bit messed up too – constant feuding between his bio-parents etc.

I guess if a guy doesn’t want to go there they should take their own precautions but that would imply distrust of their partner if she says she’s doing something.

In all this – I think about the child. doesn’t seem fair on them in the long run.

Stephen’s close friend scenario as he described above sounds very similar to my own situation:
Since I was informed by my ex’ that I would, in 6 months, be a father and that I had to decide what involvement I wanted, my whole world turned on its head.
To the ex’s surprise I chose to be a part of our child’s future.
At first, having virtually no experience with children, I was terrified about parenting and how it would change my life.
The first four and a half years our daughter spent living with her mother, with me having frequent and regular contact.
The next year we spent flatting together.
For the last four years we have shared custody and our child spends equal time with both of us.
The crucial factor in our ‘family’ working has been the extent to which the ex’ and myself have been able to be civil with each other and put aside any baggage that we may harbour towards each other.
Our daughter is happy and loved.
She did completely change my life, but only for the better.
She has taught me a great deal and I love the time we spend together. I feel that we have an incredibly deep connection which I hope can continue all through our lives.
… I’m not sure how this fits in with the discussion but just wanted to give some first hand perspective.
I hope the dude gets a chance.

I have to agree that although the women is evil, that the guy also has some responsibility. If you really don’t want to become a father, then assume nothing and don’t leave birth control up to the women. Use condoms you have bought yourself just in case there are problems with the pill and make sure you have *that* uncomfortable conversation with your sexual partner.

My squeeze knows that if I get pregnant at the moment, I’m going to want to get an abortion. Not a nice conversation to have, but glad that I did.

In your scenario, even if he doesn’t care now that doesn’t mean he won’t in the future

ain’t that the truth.

i deliberately ‘simplified’ the information provided in order to prevent unnecessary speculation. let me state though that, as relayed to me, the bloke has been duped. worse, it was relayed to me as if this wasn’t a bad thing, and the lady had every right to do so.

Also, I’m happy to subsidise women to raise children on their own if they are abandoned, widowed, victims of violence, or absolutely unable to get along with their former partner. I’m not so happy about paying to support your children when you intended this from the outset.

i couldn’t agree more.

and the scenario wasn’t that the bloke was disinterested in being a parent. it was that he wasn’t informed that there was a deliberate intent to make him one.

Hmmm. I have a close friend whose girlfriend pretty much chose him as a sperm donor. She assumed that because he was a scatterbrained and irresponsible person he would bugger off, leaving her to raise the child with her best friend, which was what she wanted. And this would have been in character; it wasn’t an unreasonable expectation.

In fact, the news of impending fatherhood struck him with great force. He immediately became seriously interested and wanted to play a full role as a father and would not go away. This led to many years of seriously screwed-up shit for everyone involved. Irrespective of the ethical ramifications, the practical outcome was shitty for mother, father and child.

My feeling is that relying on male disinterest is a risky strategy.

Generally I agree with Garrick: if you don’t fancy being a father, don’t have heterosex. Condoms break, the pill fails, babies are born with IUDs in their hands.

Also, I’m happy to subsidise women to raise children on their own if they are abandoned, widowed, victims of violence, or absolutely unable to get along with their former partner. I’m not so happy about paying to support your children when you intended this from the outset.

That’s a pretty monstrous thing to do. She’s decided to potentially radically change this guy’s life without his consent.

And I don’t know how it works down there, but here, I’m pretty sure he’d be financially responsible if she pursued it, unless he could maybe find (and pay for) a really good lawyer. I worked with one guy who had to backpay child support on two teens he didn’t even know were his when the mother’s free ride with another guy ended. Not saying this girl would do that, just that the financial consequences can catch up with you sometimes.

Lots of good food for thought and opinions here Che.
Seems to me that in this day and age if a couple get to a point they’re having unprotected sex – and she ends up pregnant, they must know each other pretty well.
If they don’t know each other that well then both of them have responsibility for contraception.
There’s not too many women, however desperate, would sabotage contraception to get pregnant, altho it does happen. It’s true though, there are a lot more single women in their late 30s who feel they’re missing the boat. That’s a whole nother conversation!
But back to the entrapment scenario … condoms boys … they’re the part you can control 🙂

In terms of casual sex, I would make sure I provided the condoms. I would make sure they are used correctly. I would make sure they were properly disposed of. I don’t intend to frame this as being distrusting of women, but rather knowing that I’ve that I’ve done everything within my control to minimise the risk.

@garrick, not necessarily. the scenario is that the guy thought they were using contraception, and presumably knows the risks. that’s a lot different to thinking you’re taking a slight risk, but are in fact completely exposed.

2. The casual boyfriend isn’t informed about what’s going on, and doesn’t know that there isn’t any contraception (perhaps he was told “I’ll take care of it”).

I’m sorry Che, but the guy has no excuse. He has no come back to claim he was dupped or entrapped. If you have sex, there is always a chance that you might get a woman pregnant. At the end of the day, the only 100% form of contraception is having no sex at all.

I thought whose name is on the birth certificate was up to the mother. Duped male party would then be financially liable as far as I’m aware.

Duping someone into having a kid is immoral, this Mum is a bad sort. Dad on the other hand does have an undeniable obligation to do what’s right by the kid though, anyone who dips one’s wick accepts that potential responsibility as a risk.

I think you’ve outlined the issues pretty well and agree with where you’ve concluded. I know I’d be pretty outraged if I was to find myself ‘entrapped’ like that. But I also know someone who’s in the ‘my window is closing’ situation and who’s getting pretty desperate too.

Remind me again what the gender imbalance is in New Zealand for people in their 30s? Think WellUrban blogged it a while back…

To me a lot is dependent on the conversations between the man and the woman. I believe in being clear about both what contraception is being used, and what both people’s decisions would be if the woman got pregnant.

For example

Her: I am on the pill and take it reliably, I don’t want to get pregnant but if I did I would not abort.

Him: I don’t want children, and if you were to accidentally get pregnant I wouldn’t want to be a father to the child or your partner. If you didn’t abort I would want to be an “uncle” and have some involvement in the child’s life, but wouldn’t expect any rights over the child.

That way everyone knows where they stand, and if the positions are incompatible then they can address that (possibly by not having sex :).

I think for either person to deliberately behave inconsistently with what they’d said is totally unacceptable. That said, things do change and a woman might genuinely believe she’d abort, but in practice not be able to bring herself to do it. Or the man might really believe he’d want no contact with the child, but feel quite different if it actually happened.

I don’t quite know what I think if the honest conversation didn’t happen. I guess it depends on what both people thought was going on. For her, did she think he’d be ok with her deliberately getting pregnant? Did she think she was doing something he’d be ok with? Did she believe she was deceiving him?

His position is odder – whatever her behaviour toward him, the child isn’t responsible. So in my ideal world he behaves toward her in whatever way her behaviour deserves, but no matter what he behaves toward the child as he would’ve if the pregnancy had been caused a contraceptive failure for which he is equally reponsible. I know that’s messy; being a wonderful half-time dad and providing financially for a child while being angry with its mother for deliberately deceiving you would be damned hard.