At one point JBL is all THEY GOTTA COME OUT HERE WITH THIS STUPID GIMMICK BUT BELIEVE ME DEUCE AND DOMINO ARE FOR REAL. And while “Seven-ing” them was probably the best call, trying to figure out why they exist is way more fun. I have two theories:

1. They are 1950s enthusiasts, like those assholes you know who wear cat eye glasses and pomade their hair because they didn’t develop a personality organically and ended up just picking one. Instant super heels. The only time you’re allowed to look like this after 1955 is in Pee-wee’s Playhouse.

2. The better theory: they aren’t 1950s enthusiasts, they’re time travelers FROM the 1950s and that old timey car they drive out is their time machine. They aren’t driving in from backstage, they’re arriving through a rip in the space-time continuum. That’s why you can hear 50s music in the background … it’s not a WWE entrance theme, it’s playing in real time wherever they come from. As you may have learned from movies, the only way you can tell when it’s the 1950s is if 1950s hits are playing.

Option two opens up a myriad of ideas why they’d want the tag team championships, ranging from a Sports Almanac-like power they’d get from bringing back future gold to a full reverse Marty McFly wherein they found out what happens with Chris Benoit and were trying to paradox the WWWF into never existing.

Read more about these ideas in Deuce And Domino: Many Waters, my latest sci-fi novel for WWE Press.

Best: Cherry

Worst: Cherry’s Rollerskates

Cherry is hot. Okay, she’s not hot, necessarily, but there’s something foxy about her. If you put her next to Maryse she’d look like a Saint Bernard, but if she was that busty blonde lady in her early 30s who waits tables with you and she’s kinda into 50s sh*t she would be top shelf tail.

THAT being said, Cherry has committed a Dynamic Dudes-level insult to wrestling fans by wearing rollerskates that don’t roll when she walks to the ring. I’m not sure I ever noticed it (or whether I just forgot noticing it, because seriously, it’s Cherry) but now that I do I can’t notice anything else.

Worst: London And Kendrick Really Could’ve Been Something Special

When I was young, my favorite tag team was the Rock n’ Roll Express. They were fast, they worked together well and they never gave up, even when they were getting the mullet grease beaten out of them. I didn’t realize that girls liked them because they were cute.

Fast forward to now, and the closest thing I think we’ve gotten to a viable Rock n’ Roll Express for a new generation was Paul London and Brian Kendrick, affectionately known on the Internet as “Londrick”, affectionately known elsewhere as guys who really like to smoke pot and f**k around on the indies. They were fast, they worked well together and they never gave up, not counting that one time Triple H beat them up singlehandedly for no reason. Brian Kendrick was probably the first guy I ever openly admitted to finding attractive, because Christ, the guy is basically a lady’s head on Aladdin’s body.

They held the tag team titles for a long time, and while that in itself is cool, the reality is that the tag titles they held were about as prestigious as those fake ones the Headbangers dragged around because the only people they ever wrestled were schlubs like KC James, Idol Stevens, Domino and Deuce. If they’d had a Midnight Express, they could’ve been special. If they’d had moments to let the crowd in on their weird ass personalities more than having them wear masks when they ran to the ring, they could’ve been special. If WWE Cruiserweight wrestling wasn’t a Korean hillbilly in jeans trading badly done top rope finishers with the worst ever Guerrero … well, you get the point.

If I could go back in time and rebook one WWE thing it would be London and Kendrick. And not to get too far into it, but I’d keep Michelle McCool a naughty teacher forever and turn Idol Stevens into Damien Sandow as quickly as f**king possible.

Worst: “Smash Mouth” Wrestling

Oh, right. Another bad thing about JBL’s commentary is how much he hates wrestling that isn’t “smash mouth”, i.e. punches and kicks and bodyslams. He’ll mention in passing that Kendrick is exciting to watch because he can counter a Doomsday Device into a victory roll for a pin but goes on and on with one of his screaming asides about how Deuce is the second coming of Bruiser Brody because he bodyslammed a guy.

Seriously, he spends the entirety of the Booker T/Kane match talking about how they’re “two of the best to ever sports entertain” and are totally “smash mouth”. And guess what? Outside of what he’s saying, the only two things I’ve ever associated with “smash mouth” are the XFL and the band Smash Mouth. Both of those things were terrible. Why do I want to wrestle like Smash Mouth?

Two things:
1) You quoted Swear to God with Rev. Winton Dupree. You are a God among men, Can I get a F*ckin’ A!

2) Hassan’s character is one of my favorites, but it reminds me of something I both love and hate about wrestling. I love when they come up with a complex character that makes you think. In this case, he’s a Muslim in the height of 9-11 fear mongering, who is a Muslim, but youre supposed to hate him because he’s a jerk, not just because hes a Muslim. I hate when they decide that character is too broad and just turn him into “terrorist”.

I thought they showed a surprising amount of restraint (by pro wrestling standards) by not having Hassan be an evil terrorist right from the start. They waited until the absolute worst possible moment for that development.

Had never for a second thought about Cena v. Undertaker at Mania, but it would be legitimately the only way I could get excited for either of these guys at this point, and I would absolutely love it. Although Cena winning would probably cause the internet to explode.

My point is, I was not watching wrestling at this point in time, and yesterday I went back and watched the 2008 Elimination Chamber match from No Way Out (which was just Batista vs. Undertaker with Khali, Viscera, Finlay, and MVP kind of just there), and the match is really boring but HOLY SHIT is that over-the-rope reversal into a Tombstone to end the match fucking BOSS I could watch it a hundred times and never stop loving it.

Admittedly, I didn’t follow the WWF/E from around the mid 90’s until the 2008. I drifted away, and only came back for my kids interest in it. Looking back on this stuff, I feel I only ever missed out on “way-cool” catch phrases and Mick Foley flopping around on thumb tacks, to be honest.

I imagine WWE had Cena vs. Undertaker booked for UT’s 20th Wrestlemania match for a couple of years but the Rock returning and wanting to wrestle again put that on the back burner because who else is the Rock going to fight at Wrestlemania. Santino?

I have been picturing a scenario where Cena beats Rock @ Wrestlemania and as Cena celebrates in the ring after a min. or so, the lights go out, Taker’s music hits and he comes out to challenge Cena for next year’s WM. That would be awesome.

I got to admit Brandon, I enjoyed the Boogeyman character as a whole. I liked the intro music, and the usually weird stuff that happened afterwards. I don’t have a lot of technical knowledge about wrestling, so I can’t argue your points, but was I entertained while watching him? yes, yes I was.

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I rewatched most of this because I wanted to follow your writeup and it inspired me to watch a lot of other random bits from the last ten years. I have to be honest that I’ve been overly negative on the last 6 or 7 years but when I go back and rewatch it I find myself loving almost everything I used to dislike.

Thanks for the writeup, Brandon! I know it takes a ton of work but there’s a lot of us that love these!

The worst Diva plastic surgery was whatever they did to Jillian’s face. She had kind of a weird looking nose, but it made her look really cute. Then one day she has this new honker and awful collagen lip injections. She looked like that lady who tried to turn herself into a cat.

I just came across Kennedy again while watching the Ladder Match 2 DVD that had his Money in the Bank win, and I remembered all about how not only was he a thing, but he was somebody who by all accounts (since if you read it on the Internet it MUST be true) was going to be somebody that WWE was going to make HUGE. Looking back, I’m trying to remember why he was so great, and I can’t recall either. Supposedly he was going to do big things with Money in the Bank, supposedly he was the first choice to be “Mr. McMahon’s son,” and so much more. Just awful.

There was a difference between Cena now and 2007-2009 Cena. Back then Cena actually looked like he cared and had more moves like the legdrop from the top, bulldog, and quit a couple other things I can’t recall at the moment. Now literally every single Cena match is the same thing. Undertaker was better back then too, he was importing MMA into his stuff and everything he did looked stiff. It looked like he actually cared back then and he didn’t just have fucking finisher fests.

2 things…
1) Ashley’s midsection looking like a “bag of snakes” made me laugh so hard I almost woke up my wife who is seeping next to me.
2) Can we hang out sometime and talk about how great Shelley Martinez was and how huge her areolas were?

Am I weird because of my love of Molly Holly? I guess it’s because when she debuted her and The Kat were the only ladies that were attractive but not super-implanty. Also, The Kat’s hair when she was Chyna’s sub (with the bangs) killed what was otherwise an attractive visage.

I thought that even during the times when I didn’t watch Raw every week or follow as closely (starting around the time when Bischoff went to Texas to look for Austin and ended up talking to some asshole named Buford) that I at least tuned in often enough to know who was around, and to have a general idea of what was going on. I’m not sure what I was doing in February 2007 but holy shit, I don’t know who all of these women are. Looks like the salad days for guys who dig trashy girls though.

I went to Wrestlemania 23. I grew up in Detroit, live here again, but was working in L.A. in 2007 and flew back for it. That was a solid Wrestlemania, and the Rumble was pretty good, which makes this so damn depressing how bad most of this PPV was.

That having been said, I liked Kennedy. He reminded me of Dane Cook, someone not hugely talented, but amusing. I liked Lashley and always thought he was utilized wrongly. A former Army sergeant who’s strong as shit and can wrestle? He could’ve easily been better than Goldberg, but I genuinely think Vince doesn’t know how to use that type of wrestler.

Ashley was always hot to me, dammit.

And finally, Cena….fucking hell. We LIKED him back in 2003, 2004, 2005 even. And then he stopped being funny. He stopped being FUN. And I think the reason this is the case is because he stopped developing. He knew he was always going to get pushed, always going to be the main eventer, always get to chase the title. So, yeah, he goes and does shitty movies, always spends time with the Make A Wish kids (which is admirable), trains like a freak, but stopped trying to make his character anything more. The rap gimmick is long gone, so why is his shitty rap song still his theme? Why hasn’t his personality or style of dress changed one iota to reflect the fact that he isn’t THAT GUY anymore? And finally, why, if he cares as much as he says he does, hasn’t he tried to become a better wrestler?

I get he’s a workhorse. That’s great. But I feel like he doesn’t care as much as he claims, because he’s gotten worse in the ring. He’s had a few gems, like Wrestlemania 23 & the hour-long RAW rematch with Shawn Michaels, and MITB last year with Punk, but in both cases, those guys are better at their craft and they work at doing new things and being creative. Cena’s “Five Moves of Doom” ALWAYS hit in the same point of the match. In fact, you can tell when the midway point of a match is because it’s when that shit starts happening.

I don’t need Cena to be a heel. I WANT him to be, but I don’t need him to be. What I feel WWE needs is Cena to grow as a wrestler. Change his personality. Stop being the same guy. Even Hogan’s schtick wore me down as a kid to where I cared more about Warrior, Savage, Piper, and when the fans started booing, Hogan went heel and changed wrestling history. Cena is capable of being better. He showed that growth early on in his career, and then quit, and that probably pisses me off more than anything.

One of the things I enjoy about Clasic/Retro/Throwback Bests/Worsts is that they remind me how much I loved things that were, in retrospect, kind of lame. Will I look back on Funkasaurus and scoff? Only time will tell! (Spoilers: I will never scoff at Funkasaurus.)

Also, is Shane Helms’ entrance video the predecessor to “Deal With It?”

I despise the John Cena character because I feel there’s a glass ceiling that could be shattered with one clean victory over him that never EEEEEEEEEEEEEVER seems to be granted. Imagine the rub a guy like Dolph Ziggler would get with a clean pin over Cena? Imagine the level of badass heel Mark Henry would be if he gave Cena a month off with an induction to the Hall of Pain. Hell, who knows what might have become of the Miz if he’d managed a clean pin over Cena. Instead, it’s almost like Bruno Sammartino where he’s the one constant while the heels keep changing.

And that abject lack of failure is why Cena hasn’t changed. Almost every character develops in the face of adversity. What’s been Cena’s adversity? Glovermouthing and hatred in Chicago. That’s about it.

Great read Brandon… although I’m gonna have to step up and defend Kennedy here. Granted, I don’t remember his match from this PPV, but in general, I was a big fan of Kennedy’s in-ring work. He always made it seem like wrestling was a real thing… he had a style of wrestling where he would ALWAYS be trying to counter any moves being done to him. Like, for example, if someone was trying to powerbomb him, he’d be punching the guy the whole way and trying to reverse it, whether or not he actually did. He’d cover up when guys try to punch him. He was wrestling like you would expect real people to in a fight, and I always loved that about him. Somewhere along the way though, he kinda stopped doing that, and then became Mr. Anderson and proceed to suck in the fiery pits of TNA. But for a time (07-08), Kennedy (to me) was the coolest thing in WWE.

Thanks Brandon this was a fun read since I fell out of wrestling for a few years and missed it as it occurred. Therefore between this and WWE Classics on Demand led me to the conclusion that I didn’t miss much. Nevertheless I’m glad I’m back- and we all come back at some point don’t we?

What’s going to the be old school Wrestlemania choice? Something dumb like Wrestlemania IX or badass like Wrestlemania IV?

I don’t have too much to add – the review was awesome and fun. And I’m very glad I wasn’t really watching during this time period – all my rasslin’ friends graduated college a year before I did, so I stopped watching sometime in late 2006. Then, you know, Benoit, and I didn’t really get back into things until the Summer of Punk (which slowly morphed into the summer of Wait, the Vast Majority of These Wrestlers are Pretty Good and Aren’t HHH At All.)

So anyway, this was a nice reminder that I never need to watch these shows when they’re on at 1 in the afternoon on the WWE Network. (Please, let the WWE Network have these shows on at 1 in the afternoon and not just the last five episodes of Legends House all day every day like Bravo for Markz.)

Oh, and if you do Best and Worst of Wrestlemania 9 next month, I will personally drive from Pittsburgh to Cleveland, buy you one (1) piece of official Tribe merch, and ship it to your home address at my own expense.

Brandon needs to set up an Amazon list with DVDs of these older PPVs. Wrestling nostalgia is a strong force and I feel like he needs a commission on my Best/Worst-inspired impulse buys.

Also, re: Batista’s intro–I’ve got two theories:

1) “Miles” refers to the length of the pit floor, not its depth. So he’s been walking for miles within a pit with a floor diameter of 2+ miles (that isn’t so narrow or shallow as to be called a trench, chasm, or canyon) or he’s just walking in circles around the floor of a pit;

2) The lyric refers to literal miles, but a metaphorical pit. Perhaps the wrestling industry is a “pit of danger,” and Batista has done so many walk-toward-the-camera spots and walks down the ramp that he has literally walked miles within a figurative pit of danger.

They were still doing brand-specific ppvs this late? I thought they had abandoned that ship long before. This was also during a period when I wasn’t really watching regularly, though I’d pop on an occasional RAW. I didn’t become a weekly watcher again until Jericho came back. Looks like I didn’t miss much.

I too had drifted away in this period. Watching old Smackdown youtube before they turned WWEFannation into The Network beta test I was stunned at how much I loved Batista after he turned on Mysterio. The replayed the turn a million times and he’s all puffed out and gassed because it’s at the end of a match and he goes, “(huff) (huff) I’m gonna (huff) tear your head off. (huff)” And then there’s a reeeeally pregnant pause before destruction commences.

It really encapsulated your take on this last little miracle stint for Batista. Great stuff as per usual.

Ah 2007. A time where I sporadically watched wresting and stopped watching wrestling for 4 years after June 26th.

1A)My theory of Deuce and Domino: They had Aha’s “Take on Me” moment with Cherry. Trying not to give them a major culture shock of being 50 years into the future, Cherry decided to control their environment to make it as close as to the 1950’s as possible. Which means putting on “roller skates,” driving in that car, and making them practice singing the Yellow Jacket Boys’ gang anthem.

1B) I miss Layla and THAT Melina. Layla is just gorgeous and steadily improved over time and mini-skirt Melina was pretty awesome (as evident by that picture). I feel like the WWE blew it with both of them as I felt that either could have been really marketable women. Especially Layla. Sadly,WWE still is trying to figure out how to market women superstars.

2) That picture of he who shall not be named is really freaking creepy.

3) I miss the early-mid 90’s when midget wrestling was a thing in the WWF. It was pretty awesome and entertaining.

4) Ken Kennedy was popular for saying his last name twice. Just like Santino was popular at this time because he was an italian stereotype whose act hadn’t gotten old yet. That’s the IWC’s secret shame.

5) Ashley Masaro was definitely a two-face. Regardless of which side of the face you saw from her, my friends and I used to call her cement tits. #coolstorybro

Brandon, I don’t understand how we can be some similar in our wrestling interests now and so different in our past interests. I read your Best/Worst articles while nodding my head the entire time, but Test, APA, & Hardcore Holly were pretty much my favorites in the early 2000s.

Whoa whoa whoa… Jimmy Yang, Jamie Noble, Shannon Moore and Greg Helms were part of some of the only watch-able moments of the last dying breaths of WCW. They definitely know how to put on proper Cruiserweight matches (although it didn’t translate here at all). Why did you crap all over them so hard for what they are now and just ignore the fun matches they put on in WCW? :

Continuing the theme of “This happened when I quit watching wrestling.”, I at times found the references a little hard to follow. Loved it anyway though.

As a life long Houstonian, seeing that King Booker clip was amazing. I became a Booker fan in ’97 when I started watching WCW and fell in love with Harlem Heat and then more so when I found out they were actually from Houston not Harlem(don’t look at me like that). My friend (who’s dad actually wrestled with GI Bro back in the day) and I met him at a sports convention here in town around ’98 or ’99 and he was THE NICEST EFFING PERSON EVER.

Now, having recently gotten back into wrestling this past year I was so glad he was still around even if on commentary. But, even better was when I discovered he ran a small indy promotion (PWA) LITERALLY just a few blocks from my house. I have gone a couple times now. (I would go more but, most of my friends do shiftwork and it’s hard to get people together. They actually had a show last night but, I was busy being presented with our fantasy football league’s Championship trophy #shamelessbrag.) Sharmell runs the ticket counter/concession stand and Booker is the emcee who sits at ringside. Its a very family friendly type of show but, its still fun. After the show my same friend from our first run in with Booker asked him to cut a promo for his YouTube channel and he did.

>this is when the Divas were nearly naked 24/7, so if you’re That Guy you’ll enjoy it anyway.

So is he calling all the readers here gay and singling out that ONLY guy who likes tits?
Or is he outing himself with his false thinking that most straight men arent into boobs?
Neither would surprise me.

Brian Kendrick also looks like porn star Blake Palmer circa 1984, especially as he appears in the incest-themed porn “Taboo 3″. In other words, if you want to see Brian Kendrick fucking his mom, check that out.