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About Me

I am a below knee amputee. More importantly, I am also Mommy to two boys, a very active 10 year old (Robby) and an mischievous toddler (Timmy). I have learned that being a parent with a disability can create some unusual and sometimes humorous situations.
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Friday, November 02, 2018

I'm so happy that today is Friday. While we don't have any plans for the weekend, I am in desperate need of disconnecting and relaxing. I'm still reeling from the drama with my brother, and I haven't had much of an opportunity to decompress.My brother is in jail, which continues to stir the odd concoction of emotions of both relief and grief. I keep imagining him incarcerated and my heart breaks. Then I give myself a reality check about the individual that he has become and I am glad that he cannot hurt anybody. I continue to hope that this time will allow him to heal and begin to recover from his demons. I feel helpless because, when it comes down to it, nobody can fight this battle but him. Over the past few days, I have come to the realization that I am investing too much of my own energy into fretting and worrying about a situation beyond my control. I can't fix my brother, nor can I change his current situation. I need to focus on my own life and put my energies towards situations which I can impact. This weekend I am going to actively work towards relaxing and rediscovering my happiness. (The fact that I have to work to relax is an indication of how psychologically involved I have become with the situation.) I have to reconcile the brother of my past with the present. I'm not sure how to do this, but I need to figure it out!

Thursday, November 01, 2018

Another successful Halloween is in the books. Per tradition, Robby and Scott went through the neighborhoods on the scooter. With Scott driving to each house, the pair were able to optimize their trick-or-treat potential.

I pulled Timmy in his wagon through our neighborhood. I'm not sure which delighted him more: wearing a costume and getting candy or experiencing the neighborhood at night. At one point every leaf that he saw on driveways was "hot lava" and necessitated a jump. Considering that our neighborhood is set in the woods, we did a lot of jumping. Between his distractions and tackling the neighborhood by foot, Timmy did not score nearly as much candy as his brother.

I'm surprised by the degree of soreness I feel through my legs and shoulders this morning. I am not used to pulling a wagon for two hours, and my body is definitely feeling the effort today. I'm glad that my new socket by LIM Innovations was up to the task of Halloween night. The last thing I needed was to have a prosthetic issue sideline our night!

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Happy Halloween!I have a house of excited boys this morning, chomping at the bit for the spooktacular adventures of the day. Their excitement is contagious to the point where I'm now counting down until it is time to go out for trick-or-treating. We will unveil this year's costumes tomorrow, so be sure to check back. In the meantime, enjoy our Halloween memories!

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

My mom's pain is lessening and her mobility is improving. It was hard to leave her yesterday afternoon, but with my sister and her kiddos home during the evening, I felt comfortable going home knowing that she won't be alone. I'll be returning for the weekend, and soon if needed, but I wanted to get the boys home for Halloween celebrations.

Between my mom's surgery and the chaos and heartbreak of dealing with my brother, I had completely lost the Halloween excitement. If I had my way, I would turn off the lights and forget about the holiday altogether. But with a 12-year-old a 4-year-old, canceling trick-or-treat isn't an option. I'm hoping to recapture some of the fun today by baking spooky cookies with the kids. Even if I don't feel the mood, I know that my boys deserve to be excited and celebrate.

I want to thank everybody who reached out and offered support during the past few days. I am both heartbroken and relieved that my brother is in jail. Hopefully, he will dry out and gain some perspective. I am not optimistic, but I always have hope.

Monday, October 29, 2018

My Mom continues to recover from her knee surgery. The fact that she is feeling both stronger and less pain has been the bright spot in an otherwise dismal weekend. The rest of the weekend has been a nightmare.

Drugs are a horrible scourge, so those impacted still hide in shame. My brother has been addicted to drugs and alcohol for nearly 25 years and over that time I have watched his demise and spiral out of control. I thought I had witnessed his bottom so many times, but each time he demonstrated that he was capable of diving deeper into the darkness. Nothing over the past 25 years prepared me for the monster that emerged over the weekend.

With my Mom out of commission, I tried to pick up the support reigns with my brother. When he called and asked me to send him some food because he was both homeless and hungry, I obliged. I ordered him a sandwich and Gatorade from Subway for delivery. My act of kindness was met with greedy wrath.

He called me and demanded that I send him more food, cigarettes, and beer. When I refused, he became belligerent. When I refused again, he became abusive. I ended up blocking his number to the house phone so my Mom could rest. The berating threats continued through text messaging.
You are a whore.
You are ugly.
You are fat.
You are worthless.
I hope you get cancer again and die.
I hope your children die.
You are disgusting.
You should make me happy by killing yourself.

These are only the texts that I feel comfortable sharing, and those with the expletives removed. He became far more threatening as time passed and when he wasn't getting the money was demanding. He detailed both his hatred for me and his plans to kill my family. He was graphic and engaged.

He doesn't realize that I am desensitized to his abuse. After each message I responded with the same words. "I love you. Please get help." Engaging him in any other way only causes more ire.

I am accustomed to his verbal abuse and threats of violence, but I was surprised when the police showed up at my Mom's house on Friday afternoon. He actually called the police to report me for abuse! He had bragged in an earlier text that he was reporting me for molesting my children, but I didn't think he would actually follow through with his threat. When the officer showed up I simply handed him my phone so that he could read the exchanges. The officer took his name and number and promised to follow-up with the Austin police for wasting his time and resources.

My brother is currently living in Austin, which is my only solace in this horrific situation. I sleep better knowing that the monster is too far away to show up at my door. It feels odd calling this monster my brother, because the brother that I knew and loved died many years ago. His body is still moving, overtaken by a demon. I no longer recognize this person.

I found out this morning that my brother has been arrested (again.) I feel guilty for feeling relieved that he is no longer able to harass and threaten the family. For a little while, I will sleep easier. I continue to hope that my brother finds sobriety and recovers, but I am resigned to the fact that the decades of abuse have caused irreversible damage.