Whoa. Ok. I'm a perv and all, but even I don't sit around thinking up crap like this. I like my boobs attached to a woman. On the other hand, these would make great gifts at your next office holiday party, that is, if you're trying to get fired for sexual harassment.

STRESS BOOBSYes, these will make you popular with the opposite sex. Get used to squeezing the hell out of them, then try the same thing on your woman's, preferably around her time of the month. Then, if you're still alive, send us a photo of your ass with her boot sticking out of it.

VIBRATING BOOB HAND MASSAGERSo lifelike.

FUZZY BOOBSReal boobs should never be fuzzy. Pluck those things! Perfect for the guy who already has naked lady mud flaps.

BOOB CUSHIONPointless. The real things work much better.

BOOB NOTESThere's one guy in every office who would have these. It's the same guy who always tells you how nice you look today while he pictures you naked.

BOOB RADIOCome in, Rangoon. Rangoon, do you read me?

BOOB EGG FRYERUnnecessary. Fried eggs already look like boobs.

BOOB PASTAAfter it's cooked, it looks like your grandma's boobs.

BOOB REMOTE CONTROLI like the buttons under the bikini bottom. It's like a Fembot's crotch.

Ky. Man Forced To Eat Own Beard

Fight Over Tractor Sale Led To Odd Meal

LAWRENCEBURG, Ky. (WLWT.com) — A central Kentucky man said he's waiting for justice to be served after two men shaved his beard, then made him eat it.

Harvey Westmoreland and his brother got into a fight with James Hill and Troy Holt in May. The dispute was over a tractor Westmoreland was trying to sell to one of the men. Westmoreland said the men felt like they were being ripped off and that's when the fight started.

"Troy offered to buy it from me for $250 dollars. I paid twenty bucks for it. He thought I was trying to cheat him," Westmoreland told WLEX-TV.

"One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire."