"Truly, it is the indescribable sweetness of contemplation which you give to those who love you. In this you have shown the tenderness of your charity, that when I had no being you made me; and when I strayed away from you, you brought me back again to serve you and commanded me to love you." The Imitation of Christ

Saturday, 27 December 2008

I'm feeling a little out of sorts this evening: nowhere near as ill as yesterday, but not feeling 100% better, and feeling restless. I'm hungry-ish, because, apart from a bacon sandwich after Mass and Benediction, (supplied by one of the mums taking her children to see the panto at the Parish Club) I haven't eaten anything other than a packet of crisps. Exploration of the cupboards has revealed plenty of supplies... but I haven't the energy to cook anything. It's too late to phone out for pizza... and I don't want pizza anyway. I had a hankering for sausages, but exploration of the fridge contents revealed that the sell-by date on the sausages was December 13th. As they're pork sausages, I really don't feel like playing food-poisoning roulette. I'm not even interested in chocolate...

So, to distract myself a little, I have been having a look at Sitemeter. I haven't checked for a while, so I thought I'd see where people are...

Most of my visitors are from the UK and from the US... hardly surprising, given that my blog is written in English. But I was also surprised to see that today I had a visitor from Gaza - "Palestinian Territory, Occupied Gaza" to be precise. Looking at the referral site, it seems that they called up an image of my Ikariam game via Google. I also had a visit from the Holy See (Sitemeter actually calls it that, and adds Vatican City State in brackets after it!) on Christmas Day!

Thursday, 25 December 2008

I am up way past my bedtime. Seriously way, way past. But it's Christmas Day, and I'm just back from Midnight Mass, and it was so awesome that I had to post a picture (or two).

The Mass was a Solemn High Mass, which is just mind-blowingly beautiful. We had enough servers to have six torch bearers during the Canon, and the choir pulled out all the stops. The silence during the consecration was so profound, it really brought home to me the line about how Christ came to Earth in the silent watches of the night...

Ok, now I really do have to go to bed, or I won't make it to the 9am Mass. I'm supposed to help with the singing, so say a prayer that my voice holds out, as I'm croaking already...

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

After my Christmas tree ornament meme, Fr. Tim declared that his method of decorating the tree was a bit like a scene from Absolutely Fabulous. I couldn't find the exact scene to which he was probably referring, but I had a great deal of fun looking, and this clip sort of gives you the general idea...

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Despite being a teacher, I am very much a leave-it-to-the-last-minute kind of person. I need a deadline or two to get the adrenaline flowing. Christmas is a prime example of this...

Despite knowing the end-date well in advance, I can never seem to get things sorted early. Buying presents in October (or even November) is a definite no-no... I just don't feel Christmassy enough to give it any real thought.

I resolved that this year, it would be different...

I did manage to order my Christmas cards early. I even went as far as buying the stamps. And yesterday, I printed out the address labels... but I haven't actually written any cards yet (apart from a handful which I gave out at school.) I guess they'll arrive in time for New Year... possibly...

I have actually succeeded in buying my presents before Christmas Eve. A whole 24 hours early. This is a major accomplishment, and I feel I ought to celebrate... and a bottle of Baileys is sitting in the cupboard making "Drink me!" noises. I'm a little tired, after trudging right around Bluewater shopping centre, so it's very tempting...

It would also be medicinal, as my suspicions have proved eerily accurate, and I have a scratchy throat, a tickly cough and a runny nose: the teachers' holiday bug has struck again, just in time for Christmas!

Monday, 22 December 2008

The following was sent to me, and it might form the basis of a little conundrum for the Bishop of Arundel & Brighton...

If I leave water in the kettle, go on long car and plane journeys, needlessly burning too much fossil fuel - Should I go to confession about it? Will I need to repent and do penance, or even seek forgiveness?

Sunday, 21 December 2008

I was rather surprised to read that the Bishop of Arundel & Brighton, Kieran Conry, advised against frequent use of the Sacrament of Confession. Surprised, and rather saddened: I hoped that he was being mis-reported, or that his words had been taken out of context, but, reading the article in the Catholic Herald, it would seem that this is his genuine opinion.

Personally, I thought that his remark was singularly unhelpful. And the following reflections on my own situation might help to explain why. Please don't get the wrong idea: I am not holding myself up as some sort of exemplar, nor do I immediately assume that everyone's experience of the Sacrament will be the same. But I do think that describing concrete experiences (rather than hypothetical situations) can be of benefit.

I'm an ordinary lay woman. I did take private vows, six years ago now, but that doesn't change my status within the Church. I have gone to Confession pretty regularly since I returned to the practice of my faith a little over sixteen years ago, in a variety of churches, to a variety of priests, and I guess that, while I don't claim expert status, I think I may have some valid points to share.

To begin with, I had a problem understanding what "regular" Confession meant. I mean, once a year is a regular interval! But I knew that not making use of the Sacrament had contributed to my fall away from the Church, and I was determined not to let that happen again. I didn't want to risk losing the pearl of great price which I had so recently found, and so I went to Confession once a month.

I was pretty ill at this time, waiting for major surgery, and I had plenty of time on my hands. I started to go to daily Mass. I found out about Plenary Indulgences, and a holy priest (now deceased) said that by going to Confession once a fortnight it was possible to obtain a Plenary Indulgence every day. So I upped the frequency. However, I was aware that other priests had differing opinions on the ideal frequency of Confession, and I felt uncomfortable telling some of those priests that it had only been a fortnight.

I had plenty of bad character faults, and I had even more bad habits. I wanted to change, and it seemed that the longer I left between Confessions, the harder it was to recall the small things. But, not being a mad axe-murderer, I had few (if any) mortal sins to confess. I was, however, very aware that it was the small stuff which was going to get me into hot water, if not actually into Hell!

Similarly, I can always tell which children, preparing for Confirmation, don't go regularly to Confession. They're the ones who start off by saying, "I haven't committed any sins..." Not going regularly to Confession helps to deaden the sense of what is sinful, and makes it more likely that serious sins will be committed.

One metaphor came to mind: if you have a favourite blouse or t-shirt, you will always get it cleaned when you spill something like ketchup on it. That's like mortal sin: Confession is the only remedy. However, if you only clean the shirt when you spill something, its going to get grubby pretty quickly, and the dirt will be harder to clean off because it will be ingrained. Venial sin is like everyday grubbiness... definitely easier to deal with on a regular basis. And if you have a really grubby shirt, the major ketchup incidents are less noticeable...!

I became aware that, if I left the period between confessions longer than usual, I felt uncomfortable, and "grubby," and going to Confession (though very difficult) really helped to take away the burden of my sins, and allowed me to make a new start. As a teacher, I have often noticed the same thing in many students: they don't want to continue working on a page which has several mistakes on it; instead, they want to turn over a new leaf (literally!)

Unfortunately, as I said, not every priest reacts so well to this frequent use of the Sacrament. Maybe they fear a penitent doesn't take it so seriously if he or she goes too frequently... however, the same standard is rarely applied to reception of Holy Communion!

For someone who is worried about being overly scrupulous, it can be hard enough to get into the confessional without being made to feel guilty for wasting the priest's time! I remember being overjoyed when I read that Pope John Paul II went to Confession every week, because if he did it, it had to be ok!

I have had to field questions like, "Do you always go this frequently to Confession?" (said in disparaging tones!) and, "You really ought to get married!" (that one was while I was trying to discern my vocation... I was sorely tempted to ask if the priest had anyone particular in mind!) And then there is the "sigh" which suggests that confession of venial sins is really not worth bothering with...

Going to Confession frequently is not simply a matter of routine. The time and place may be a regular thing, but it still requires preparation. As for bringing the same sins in to the Confessional week after week, well, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It would be pretty strange to find yourself marching in and saying gleefully to your Confessor, "Hey, Father, I've got a new one for you this week... " And we are creatures of habit: very few of us have lives which are so amazingly varied each week that we find ourselves in new and unknown situations. Work or school is the same each week. The people met are, by and large, the same each week. The temptations available are pretty much the same each week... I could go on, but I'm sure you get the general picture!

I still find it excruciatingly difficult to bring my sins to the Confessional. I am fully aware that I have committed the same sins over and over again. I am even more aware that it is due to my own character faults that I respond in the same way to various situations, and, even though I know what I should do, I do exactly the opposite. I also know that, on my own, I will never be able to change.

And that's why I go to Confession regularly. I don't want to continue with my venial sins. I want to change. But I can't do it myself. However, with the grace of God, anything's possible. Maybe not this week, maybe not the next... I may never fully succeed in overcoming my own particular faults and failings, but I have to try, to show willing... to demonstrate my desire for conversion of heart.

And that is why Bishop Conry was wrong: he seemed to imply that conversion was a sudden event, demonstrated by a complete change in one's character and way of life. But God accepts even imperfect contrition, so a desire to change, coupled with a demonstration of that desire, must also be acceptable to him...

I know that the conversion I experienced sixteen years ago was just the beginning. I have to continue that conversion every day, with the grace of God, through prayer and the Sacraments. I need all the help I can get. Please God, we won't get too many more Bishops discouraging our attempts to get to heaven!

Year For Priests

About Me

I have given up describing myself as a young Catholic woman, but I don't quite feel ready to call myself "middle aged." Is there anything in between?
I came back to the Church in September 1992 after what I consider to be a Damascus Road conversion, and guess you could call me a Trad by inclination.
I'm a single woman living and working in the world (as a Science teacher), and I took private vows in December 2002.