Website Offers Vaginal Glitter – Don’t Put Glitter in Your Vagina

Because everything is insane and there is no end in sight to the list of things doctors have had to tell people not to put in their vaginas, here’s one more thing to go ahead and add: Glitter! Yes, glitter — the craft item equivalent of bed bugs both in terms of infamy and its ability to spread at alarming rates.

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ok this is a real product. passion dust.

vagina-owners: DO NOT DO THIS. pic.twitter.com/6wz8PuTFTS

— Jacqui Collins (@jacquicollins_) July 1, 2017

According to Refinery29, an online retailer called “Pretty Woman Inc.” (LORD DELIVER ME FROM EVIL) is hawking a product they’re calling “Passion Dust Intimacy Capsules,” which are essentially glitter bombs for the vagina. The product description says the capsules aren’t lube or anything that will alter your “sexual performance,” but that their (emphasis mine) “only purpose is to add a sparkle and flavor to your natural vaginal fluids to make the experience of lovemaking that much more fun and enjoyable for you and your partner.”

Despite the fact that any reasonable person could see that putting glitter and sugar water into your vagina is almost certainly harmful, the Pretty Woman site assures these hell-capsules are safe, but does offer the following disclaimer: “The small particles of glitter could trigger an attack for people who suffer from asthma if ingested during oral sex.”

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The rest of the product description reads like the sort of unhinged tirade you might expect from someone who’s trying to sell you cyanide-laced chocolate bar. Some of my favorite quotes (ranked in order of how scared they make me feel for my own life) include (sic throughout):

9. “Any gynecologist would tell you that NOTHING should go in your vagina!”

8. “So if your Yara has a bad attitude then it’s up to you if it’s worth trying.”

7. “The point is; People have opinions and love to share them.”

6. “If you’ve ever had vaginal issues you had them before you used Passion Dust anyway.”

5. “If you’ve ever had a yeast infection i’m sure it wasn’t caused by glitter, it just happens sometimes (Oh, the joys of being a girl!).”

4. “The fact is nothing [Editor’s note: This is flatly untrue.] should go in there and if it does you have to use your own discretion when deciding what those things will be.”

3. “It adds a sugary sparkle to the vaginal fluids that you naturally produce when you become sexually aroused.”

2. “We did not say that the glitter was FDA approved we said that the ‘ingredients used’ are FDA approved.”

1. “Your health comes first but I hope you are able to join the PASSION PARTY!”

Methinks thou dost protest too much, Pretty Woman, Inc.! But — just as the product description states — I’m no doctor. No worries, though, because Jen Gunter, a gynecologist who often debunks the ridiculous things people sell for vaginal insertion on her blog, wrote a thorough breakdown on why “passion dust” should never be placed inside your body.

“Could the vehicle be an irritant and cause a vaginal contact dermatitis? Yes and ouch. Think vaginal sunburn!” Gunter wrote. “Is it possible the goo might damage the good vaginal bacteria leading to infections as well as in increased risk of STIs? You bet. Given how tacky it looks it is unlikely an intimate lubricant (or a safe one anyway).”

Gunter also explains that just because something (like glitter lip gloss) might be safe to use externally, like on your face, that does not mean it’s by any means safe to place inside your vagina. If doctors go so far as to recommend staying away from scented soaps in your vaginal region, why on EARTH would it ever be remotely safe or smart to put craft items inside it? So once more with feeling, say it with me: Do not put glitter bombs in your vagina. There’s no need to unicorn this particular body part. Vagina should taste and smell like vagina, not the scary rooms from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

Cosmopolitan.com has reached out to Pretty Woman Inc. and will update this post with any relevant information.