You might not know it, but she’s back. Walking
transsexual tit-scaffold, Nadia Almada, the elated winner of last year’s
Big Brother, has returned to the house to defend her crown, this
time in the form of a tin of Spam

The Portuguese-born
bank clerk ran away with last year’s £60,000 prize after
voters warmed to her plea to be accepted as a transsexual—or possibly
to cop a feel of her size 32FF 'fun-sized plums.' The
show’s producers were reportedly so happy with the general goodwill
caused by affording the public an easy, if entirely specious, way of
alleviating its gender prejudices that they offered Ms Almada a further
five-figure sum to undergo surgery to take on the form of the much-maligned
pork product.

“Getting Nadia in there was
a stroke of genius,” a spokestypeperson for Channel 4 told Utterpants.
“Sending a text message to keep her in the Big Brother
house may have been a patronising and unforgivably crude way for the
public to accept a minority figure into mainstream society, but it sure
as hell raised her profile—if not a few stiffies among the audience.
Now we hope to rescue Spam from its dwindling sales and poor public
image via similar means."

Reports that Ms Almada had no desire to change her identity again, and
that Channel 4 executives had to coerce her into the deal by stuffing
fifty-pound notes into her crotchless panties, while an anonymous well-wisher
rutted her
well-lubed, bare bottom, remain unconfirmed despite our researcher
sleeping with the show's producer.