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17 September 2008

THIS IS A SHOUTING ABOUT SQUIRRELS THREAD!→[More:]

I AM STILL WITHOUT A FRIDGE AND SO AM HAVING TO LIVE LIKE A 1950S HOUSEWIFE, BUYING THINGS AS I NEED THEM EACH DAY. I HAVE REALLY REALLY MISSED THE BERRIES AND YOGHURT THAT I USUALLY HAVE FOR DESSERT.

TODAY I WENT TO WAITROSE AND TREATED MYSELF TO A CARTON OF EXPENSIVE RASPBERRIES AND A LITTLE POT OF YOGHURT, AND WHILE MY DINNER WAS COOKING I PUT THEM OUTSIDE WHERE IT'S COOLER.

SO I JUST WENT OUT TO FETCH THEM AND THE BERRIES WERE GONE! THE CARTON IS AT THE OTHER END OF THE GARDEN - EMPTY - AND THERE IS A SQUIRREL WITH A SUSPICIOUSLY RED MOUTH SITTING ON THE BIRD TABLE, WASHING HIS ALSO SUSPICIOUSLY RED LITTLE PAWS.

Eat him. Not only are squirrels good eats according to my dad, but I bet with those raspberries inside of him, a slow roast would bring out some very interesting fruity flavors to contrast against the gaminess of the squirrel's meat. Though I'd wait a couple of hours after capturing for the fruit essences to be fully distributed throughout the meat through digestion. Then you could serve him with a raspberry balsamic reduction glaze.

THERE IS A VERY CUTE AND VERY BOLD SQWERL WHO COMES DOWN OUT OF THE TREE NEXT TO THE ICE CREAM VENDOR WHO IS PARKED OUTSIDE THE OFFICE EVERY DAY LOOKING FOR HANDOUTS. HE WILL EVEN FOLLOW YOU DOWN THE SIDEWALK A BIT IF HE THINKS YOU HAVE FOOD. THIS IS SLIGHTLY DISTURBING TO ME.

I DON'T HAVE A SQUIRREL RANT BUT I DO HAVE A CHIPMUNK RANT. THEY KEEP DIGGING HOLES IN THE GRAVEL AND MULCH NEAR THE FRONT DOOR WHICH ENCOURAGES THE DOGS TO DIG FURTHER. THEY'RE ALSO TERRORIZING THE CATS BY FLITTING ABOUT IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW.

I had a sad little tomato plant by the door of my apartment that gave me one sad little tomato. It was a heirloom plant I had purchased and so I was gonna save the seeds from the sad little fruit so I could plant the seeds next season. A squirrel ate exactly three bites out of my tomato and threw it off the balcony, unripe and useless for seeds. I now despise squirrels and rejoice when I see them smushed on the road.

AT LEAST EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU RABID LITTLE MONSTER! WHAT A WASTE OF A FINE, SAD LITTLE TOMATO! I HOPE THE NEIGHBOUR'S CAT EATS EXACTLY THREE BITES OUT OF YOUR HEAD!

THERE IS A SQUIRREL WHO SITS OUTSIDE MY OFFICE WINDOWN IN THE AFTERNOONS, EATING AN ACORN AND GLARING AT ME, AS IF TO TAUNT ME WITH HIS FREEDOM. WELL, I CAN GET AN ACORN TOO, YOU KNOW! YOU FURRY LITTLE BASTARD!

when i was in college I had a squirrel problem. I didn't have a window screen so an enterprising rodent could get in by way of the roof. At the time there was a tupperware container of weed in a crown royal bag under my couch. don't ask me how it got there. anyway one day a squirrel got in and chewed through the bag AND the tupperware and took a big ol bite out of a bud. Apparently he enjoyed himself because for the rest of the year I had to chase that squirrel out of my room EVERY SINGLE DAY.