MEET THE NIERATKOS - DOG PEOPLE ARE WEIRD

My wife gave birth to our baby…and it was one of those hairy dog boys.

Kidding.

But I am still half expecting the baby to be black. Those goddamn Verizon guys always waiting outside my house for their turn…

Recently Crissie took the baby in her belly and the world-renowned comic dog, Benny, to a dog show near our house. It wasn’t like those Best In Show competitions; it was more like a day at the spa for our dog. She said they brushed Benny’s teeth and did his hair and trimmed his nails and all kinds of stuff that Benny likes.

“What did the people look like attending the dog show?” I asked.

“Inbred.” She replied.
“Were you the hottest dog owner there?”

She didn’t respond either way because she is having image issues stemming from the basketball under her shirt. I still think she looks hubba hubba and therefore already knew she was the hottest dog owner there. Sadly she didn’t take any photos or videos because it was outdoors, on a black top parking lot, in the basking sun (real humane for the dogs). She thought she was going to pass out. So we can only go by her word on how awesome the swimming pool was where they threw tennis balls in and the dogs had to fetch them.

I asked Benny how awesome it was but he said it was, “Whatever.” Benny just learned to swim last year (he’s only a year and half old) and so I don’t think he’s figured out swimming and fetching yet. When he does it will be awesome.

Did I tell you about the Benny design we went with for Christopher II’s room, or as my nephew has named him, Baby Sexy? It looks like Benny. It’s more of a throne room/shrine to Benny than it is a bedroom for the baby. Hopefully he’s not allergic to dogs…

Benny attempted another murder plot on my life earlier today. 80mph on the Turnpike northbound just as we passed Ikea I said, “Hey, Ben, look! Ikea!” Like I do every time we pass Ikea and Benny opened all 4 windows at once and made like he was going to jump out. I had to throw down my cellphone and grab him, pull him back in and explain to him that that is a real dick move. I’m wondering if he doesn’t like my, “Look! Ikea!” any more? Or maybe he just hates the poor craftsmanship of the Ikea furniture? Or maybe the assholes who had him before us were abusive Swedes?

I asked him but he wasn’t in the mood for talking.

I tried to tell him I didn’t think he IS a dick; just that he pulled a dick move.

I told him if he didn’t try to kill me anymore that I would go to the Halloween store that just opened by the gym and get him a little doctor’s scrubs outfit so that we could sneak him into the hospital, Fletch-style, when Crissie goes into labor.

He liked that idea.

SIDENOTE: I saw a rollerblader down at the skatepark the other day. I didn’t even know those existed anymore.

rollerbladers still exist in utah. along with little kids on scooters, and little kids on bikes from toys'r'us, and guys riding mountain bikes in skateparks and shop kids who think their pro because they got flowed a blank deck, and every one else who sucks ass at the skatepark.

My man, could you kindly enlighten us on the mentality of the type of man who would name his son with his own name. No disrespect, I really want to know. Is it an ego thing, you really like the name, really into bloodline? Please do enlighten.

Hi, I see you have a crib bumper. Most pediatricians recommend not using them. They are a contributing factor in many SIDS cases. I had one too but I got rid of mine when I read that. I cut it into smaller pads that I put in my cat's bed, maybe you can do that for your dog or something?