Name: Chelle:Question: New to dating scene. When it is appropriate to ask someone’s income. Can this be asked on the date?Age: 43

You shouldn’t be inquiring about someone’s income until you and they are considering merging finances or living situations. Up until then, how much they make is none of your business. Finances are a very touchy subject for some, especially if their finances are somewhat unstable. Should that be the case, it’s important to remember that a credit score or bank balance is not necessarily a reflection of someone’s character. However, if someone acts glib about their shakey financial situation, that’s a pretty good sign they’re irresponsible.

Most people when asked about their income, credit score, debt, etc are probably going to be uncomfortable even if they have stellar credit. Money is just not something you discuss with someone with whom you are not already emotionally intimate. So much of our society tells people to equate someone’s financial situation with their value and status, which creates a good amount of shame and embarrassment for people who struggle to reach those ideals. Also keep in mind that if you’re going to open up that door, be prepared for all your money-related skeletons to come tumbling out, too. Here’s the deal: if you haven’t spent any significant amount of time trying to support yourself on your own, you can miss me with your lectures. Being supported by parents or alimony will get you judged just as harshly as having debt. It works both ways.

Nobody likes being judged, especially for past mistakes. Someone could be doing everything right now but had a rough time of it three years ago and so their credit is fair to average. The number isn’t what matters. It’s the story behind the number that counts.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Lindsay:Question: Three weeks ago I was bored on vacation and decided to download tinder to meet some cute guys to party with or potentially hook up with. I ended up meeting this guy named Jon. At first glance I thought he was just another hockey boy with not much going up there. We got drunk and hooked up and it was the best time of my life (it’s not the first time I’ve hooked up with guys on vacation so that wasn’t the reason being). As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives. We met up again two days later and I spent the day with him and his friends. Later on in the night we met up and attempted round two to which he couldn’t perform. He ended up leaving his friends and taking me to one of the hotel bars where he taught me to play pool and we laughed and danced and he bragged to his buddy bartender he met that week about how incredible and beautiful he thought I was. After a few more drinks he confessed to me that he couldn’t go through with the deed because he used to be that scummy guy who hooked up with women and broke hearts and at first our hook up was just that and then he started having feelings for me and wanted to keep me away from his friends who hadn’t gotten over that stage yet (he had a life changing experience that made him become more of a man a year prior). Although he is from a city 4 hours from me he moved to the other side of the country for work and doesn’t come home often anymore. I know he had an ex girlfriend who hurt him badly while he was away 6 months prior so he is afraid to do long distance. I have not contacted him since but think about him every day and all of the kind things he said to me and the moments we shared and how he helped me realize I deserve so much from the right person. It hurts me that I can’t let him go and truthfully I don’t want to because he’s had a lasting effect on me. What do I do?

Thank you,

LindsayAge: 26

I’m not really sure there’s anything you can do. The brutal reality of the situation is this guy doesn’t appear to have made any attempt to stay in touch with you. That and he totally has a girlfriend. A far more likely explanation as to why he isolated you from his friends is that they all know his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to risk looking like that scummy guy he swore he wasn’t. Oh, and his inability to perform? Drugs and booze. Since so many men associate masculinity with sexual performance, he didn’t want you to think there was anything wrong with him so he gave you some sob story about not wanting to be “that guy.” Only, he’s totally that guy.

As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives.

Something very important to understand: it’s far easier to be emotionally intimate with someone when you know you’re never going to see them again. The experiences you just described happen in movies, not in real life. In real life, after the two lovers bare their souls to each other, they part ways and one of them sits by the phone waiting for a text that never comes. This guy didn’t open up to you because he felt this overwhelming comfort; he did it because he didn’t care what you thought and he enjoyed talking about himself.

After a few more drinks he confessed to me that he couldn’t go through with the deed because he used to be that scummy guy who hooked up with women and broke hearts and at first our hook up was just that and then he started having feelings for me

You know how I know this guy is scummy? Because he told you he used to be a scummy guy. No one genuine in their intentions is going to tell you they used to be a total trainwreck or awful. They’re going to keep that stuff from you until they feel safe. This guy told you he used to be a sleaze because he wanted you to feel special because he was embarrassed he couldn’t get it up or because he couldn’t go through with cheating on his girlfriend again.

As cynical as this sounds, when an encounter seems to good to be true, it usually is. He knew he would never see you again, so he was more open with you than if he was going to pass you in the hallway at work. That openness created a false sense of intimacy. That’s what you’re having a hard time shaking. What can you do? First, forget about this guy because you’re never going to hear from him again. Second, get back out there. Maybe don’t jump back onto to Tinder, but be social. I’m not at all suprised to hear you met this guy on Tinder while on vacation. That alone is a red flag that someone is just looking to get laid. Go to the gym, attend a book signing, try wine tasting. Get away from the apps and dating sites for awhile.

You’ve convinced yourself of a connection that doesn’t exist. That’s a hard truth to face, but an important one.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Sarah:Question: Over the summer I started to develop feelings for my manager. We are around the same age(21 &amp; 23) but I didn’t act on my feelings because I knew it would go against the store’s policy. You are allowed to date as long as you are not at the same location.

Although we did hangout, he never tried to do anything. I told him how I felt and he said that the only thing stopping him from dating me was that we worked together. Summer came to an end and I transferred to another location, in the same city. But he didn’t text me as much and when I asked him why? He said that he was having family problems. We did make out once or twice but thats as far it went. Whenever I invited him over, he would always say that he was “busy.” He eventually admitted that he just came out of a relationship and wanted to be just friends. Fast forward to recently, my old co-worker tells me that he said “nothing ever went on between us.” and that I was “delusional.” I don’t know why but that triggered an old memory of a guy I did actually date who kept our relationship a secret. In the attempt to stand up for myself, I called him a “b*tch” for talking behind my back. This is completely out of character for me because I am very quiet and sweet. I felt so awful about how I reacted that I went to visit him and apologize. He told me that while he understands why I was upset, he is not interested in having me in his life because of what I called him. I can’t decide if I should let it go or apologize again?Age: 21

Let’s get one thing really clear: he was never interested in you. Period. Full Stop. His myriad of excuses for not wanting to hang out were all his way of being diplomatic. When you moved to another location he stopped contacting you (or, I suspect, stopped responding to you) because he was trying to extricate himself from the situation. Meaning, he was trying to get you to go away. I’m sorry for how blunt that is, but it’s the truth, and it’s a truth you need to face so you can begin to move on from this.

Fast forward to recently, my old co-worker tells me that he said “nothing ever went on between us.” and that I was “delusional.”

Admittedly, I don’t have much context on which to base my analysis of his response. I feel like there’s a lot of meat being left from this story. That said, when someone goes the route of trying to make the other person look crazy, more often than not something is off. If a person feels the need to invalidate someone’s perception of events by accusing them of being unbalanced, there’s a strong chance they’re hiding something.

Let me give you two scenarios.

Scenario 1 – “Yeah, we kissed a couple of times but I just wasn’t into it and she kept texting me I didn’t want to be a dick.”

Scenario 2 – “Dude, she’s crazy. She’s won’t fucking leave me alone.”

Person in Scenario 1 is demonstrating a modicum of compassion. He didn’t want to tell you to go away because he didn’t want to be mean and hurt your feelings. Person in Scenario 2 is hopping on the defensive and bashing you. Here’s the thing: he’s an adult with a tongue and vocal chords and working fingers. If he felt uncomfortable with your persistence and his lies weren’t working, he should have bucked up and told you he thought you were cool, but…

He wasn’t a bad guy for making up excuses for why he could never date you. Most people would do exactly what he did. Diplomacy – especially in a work situation – is always better than blunt honesty. But there’s a point where that charade needs to end for the good of all involved. As for you, know this: if someone really wants to date you, they’ll risk a stupid company rule or find a way to make it happen. When someone keeps coming back at your invitations with reasons they can’t hang out, take the hint so that your self-esteem doesn’t take a battering.

He told me that while he understands why I was upset, he is not interested in having me in his life because of what I called him.

Here’s where I no longer empathize for him. What he did with this response is drive the knife in deeper by trying to make you feel worse, like you blew your chance. This is where he shows his true colors. This guy? He’s not a nice guy. What he did with this answer is cruel. It was clear you felt remorse for calling him a bitch, but instead of being a decent human being and accepting your apology, he got passive aggressive. You do not ever want to be involved with someone like this. This kind of treatment is abusive. Like I said, I don’t know what the full conversation entailed or what led him to say you were delusional, but the minute you heard that, a light switch should have gone off, illuminating the fact that this guy SUCKS. Instead you got angry – which I get, I really do – but you went from angry to remorseful, contacting/approaching him not once, but twice. In his mangled and unkind way, he was laying down a boundary: stay away from me. As rage-inducing as his behavior might have been, you have to respect that.

Now that we’ve established he’s a shit, let’s talk about you for a second.

You’re sitting somewhere on Christmas Day writing this letter to me, clearly still agonizing over how this all played out. Your emotions have gone from a high to a low, and that ain’t good. I’ve been where you are right now, and it was some of the most gutting pain I’ve ever felt, but the guy wasn’t the cause of it. He was just something that triggered it. I don’t know you or your background, but I do recognize your reactions. I’ll bet on some level you knew this guy was blowing you off, but you didn’t want to face it. The attention felt good, yeah?

I know.

Now you’re thinking, “Well, maybe if proved to him I’m not the person he thinks I am, he’ll like me back.”

He won’t. He won’t ever like you back. Nor will he care that you feel sorry about getting angry. (Which, btw, was totally justified on your part.) More than likely, he’ll say something else to make you feel like shit and keep you on the hook. Because, see, that’s what he was doing by telling you nothing would ever happen because you flipped out. That’s why he never told you to stop contacting him. That’s why he kept engaging you. He liked the attention, too. Only he never felt bad about treating you poorly.

Listen, it’s a brutal time of year to be going through this, but I’m glad you submitted your letter. You’re not alone in this, and what you’re feeling and how you handled it all doesn’t make you a terrible or unhinged person. It means that something about this guy set something off in you, and it wasn’t the other guy that dated you in secret. It goes deeper than that, I think, which is why I think it would be very beneficial for you to to talk to someone, a professional. Maybe even sign up for one of those therapy apps so you can talk to someone who can help you identify what about this situation has you feeling the way you feel. Get to the root of this now so you can go on to find the relationship you want.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/12/25/what-nice-men-dont-say-to-nice-women/feed/6Should She Keep Hooking-Up With The Guy In Her Office?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/21/should-she-keep-hooking-up-with-the-guy-in-her-office/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/21/should-she-keep-hooking-up-with-the-guy-in-her-office/#commentsTue, 21 Nov 2017 16:14:01 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109407

Name: LeynaQuestion: I am a straight woman who is fuck buddies with my hot, younger male coworker (30). The sexual tension between us was out of control until we stayed late one night last week and screwed on the desk. Since that night, we’ve hooked up a few more times.

Problem is – and there always is one – that he has a live- in girlfriend. He told me they are in an open relationship so being with me isn’t cheating. As per their arrangement, he won’t tell her about me but if she finds out he won’t lie.

How do I know if he’s telling me the truth or if he is saying these things just so I’ll sleep with him? She comes to work events with him and I feel guilty because she is a sweet woman who obviously adores him.

Also, being coworkers adds another layer of issues as we could get caught. We are peers but I’ve been at the company longer. We are both well-liked and respected.

Sex between us is amazing and because we don’t have much else in common (He shows up at work a lot with a hangover and I’m usually in bed by 10) so I would never consider him romantically. I’d love to keep seeing him for sex but I’d feel bad if I helped him hurt someone else.Age: 50

Ugh. Okay. So much to unpack.
First, let’s address the open relationship thing. I absolutely believe that there are couples that engage in ethical non-monogamy and that it can work. I also believe there are a lot of couples out there in “open” relationships that are really just situations where one partner doesn’t want to be exclusive and so the other partner agrees to look the other way. I don’t know which one this is, but if he cared at all about her, he wouldn’t be desk-banging a co-worker and then bringing his girlfriend around said co-worker. That’s sick.

The only way you’ll know if he’s telling the truth is if you go to the girlfriend. That’s it. He will never tell you the truth because he will always cover his ass first, fuck you and fuck his girlfriend. This is not a man or woman thing, this is a human nature thing. We will always look out for ourselves. Personally, I wouldn’t bother getting her approval and risk the possibility of upending her life, your life, and possibly your career by saying anything. I would leave well enough alone, thank God you haven’t gotten caught, and pray he keeps his mouth shut.

“I’m not going to lie if she asks” = “I don’t really care if I hurt her.” Just FYI.

Now let’s talk about the professional ramifications of this. Girl, get it together. This is your career we’re talking about. No guy is worth risking your job and your credibility at your office. This gets out and you’re going to be that desperate older woman and he’s going to get high-fives from his bros in accounting. Forget about the cultural moment we’re having. It will be a long, long time before women aren’t the ones judged more harshly in these situations. In general, these workplace escapades need to go entirely. At this point, sexual innuendo and flirting has no place in the office. That stuff has been going on for too long and everybody has considered it acceptable because their cousin’s roommate’s sister met her husband that way. If you meet someone and there’s a genuine connection, then you both need to discuss who is going to find a new job and then do it. As women, we have got to lead by example, and that means not engaging in sexual anything with co-workers. It means being consistent and deeming all overtures from work peers as inappropriate and not just overtures from people you don’t find attractive.

You’re 50 years old. You think you’re going to have an easy time of it should things get dicey at your office and you have to leave? Think again. And let me tell you something: if you think there aren’t men out there dying to pin some sexual misconduct accusations on women, think again. Sure, this may have been consensual, but you have no idea what this turd will say should this ever come to light. If he even remotely feels threatened, he could turn this around on you.

Now let’s address why you did this. Lady, I get it. It’s hard to be alone. Going without affection and touch and feeling desired is unbearable at times. Sometimes I feel like my chest is caving in when I think about the upcoming holidays that – more than likely – I will spend alone once again. I’m not going to tell you how to process those feelings because I’ve been there and I’ve made similar decisions. Sometimes you just want – even need – some glimmer of something to hold on to and get you through. The price we pay for loneliness is not nearly as profound or costly as the price we pay for surrendering to the loneliness. In the moment, it feels good to be wanted. But then they will leave and you’ll be sitting there wondering, “What about me?” That loneliness will now be compounded by shame.

I know how the feelings of isolation and rejection can get to you, but you have to believe. I say this through tears and gritted teeth. You have to believe. You have to keep going even when you think all is lost and you should just give up. Feelings aren’t fact. You must pick yourself up and keep going, even when you don’t want to. As the saying goes, the only way out is through. This time of year sucks fro some of us. Hell, I’m sure it sucks for some people in relationships, too. But it’s temporary. Remember that. At any moment things can change. That’s the beauty of all of this. In an instant the trajectory of your life can change.

Fuck this guy. Do not continue to let him have his cake and eat it, too. If he respected his open-relationship girlfriend he wouldn’t have sex with someone he knows she might have to interact with at work functions. Here’s something that might drive this point home further: G***** fed me the same line about he and his live-in girlfriend being non-monogamous. (I know the LW.) You know my history with him and what an abusive person he turned out to be.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now. He has stated he doesn’t want anything serious, or at least he doesn’t know because he had just broken up with his girlfriend. However, we have been on 4 dates so far, all including sex. I left for a 3 week holiday at some point and he texted me a lot and generally initiated texting since we met.

The thing is he never asked me on a date – he always went around it, asking if I was busy that week etc. He responds immediately to all my texts but for some reason, I get a sense that he is afraid to be bold with me. Like I will reject him or something. We have a good time when we meet and he has never done any booty call or sexting. He likes small talk about everyday stuff etc.

He recently left for vacation for 3 weeks but I was the one initiating texting. I texted him 3 times where we just kept the texting for like 30 min, just exchanging basic news. I know he wants to unwind so I didn’t pressure him into more texting. Last time we texted, he asked if I was around the week he returns and I said yes. I guess this is a hint for a date?

I don’t know if I have very strong feelings for him. I definitely like him and the sex is good too. I know I want something more stable than scarce dates and random communication, and I did continue with him to see what he wants. I thought the whole thing would fall apart after a month since it is unstable, but it didn’t. If anything, I text him and he responds instantly, making me think that he likes me too.

So what is the question? I like him, and I want it to continue or maybe turn it into something more. He has a weird on and off behavior though that makes me think sometimes that he likes me and sometimes not. He definitely needs space. I don’t know what to do because if I stay longer I will develop feelings.

Any advice or people with similar experience?Thanks!Age: 27

Here’s the first thing you need to accept: you’ve already developed feelings for him. Enough with this “I caught feelings” bullshit. Sure, it sounds adorable, but it’s a delusion manufactured by women who lie to themselves about their ability to engage in casual sex.

Second, it sounds to me like things are progressing at a fairly normal pace. It’s been roughly a month (give or take the weeks you were away) and you’ve seen him four times. He’s been upfront about not wanting anything serious. I’m not sure what more you’re expecting here. You’re doing all kinds of head-hopping trying to determine why he doesn’t explicitly ask you out to your liking instead of acknowledging that he’s asking you out at all. He doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. He’s been explicit about that. You’re ignoring what he’s told you, instead focusing on little things like the fact that he replies to your texts quickly and deciding he must be afraid of his feelings or some other such nonsense.

You’re reading too much into his behavior. His replying quickly might not have anything to do with you. Maybe that’s his typical response time. You want it to mean something more because you want more than he can give.

The reason you’re so confused is because you’re in denial. He’s explained to you what he can offer. Rather than backing away because your intentions and his don’t align, you’re moving forward while expecting him to eventually change his mind. He very well might, but he’s going to do it on his terms, not yours.

What’s the point of wanting men to be honest if we’re not going to believe them?

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Curious Male:Question: What do you think about a married woman with children who still carries on email conversations with a someone who is a friend, but she also had a crush on 20 years ago?

She rebuffs or brushes off flirting attempts from this man, but still brings up things that did, didn’t, or should’ve happened between them back then.

The conversations are usually every other day and sometimes lasts until very late in the evening. Age:

I would say she’s enjoying the attention. As speculation goes, that’s really all I can say. She obviously enjoys emailing with you, but she draws the line when you flirt because that’s a line cross. At least, that’s how she’s rationalizing it. As long as she doesn’t return the flirting, it’s okay. It’s safe to assume that – if she’s talking to you at night – her husband is either not around, very inattentive, or doesn’t care.

As others have said, relationships are not the antidote to loneliness. Relationships help, but they are not the cure. Loneliness stems from a deep desire to connect. Since no relationship is perfect, there will likely be times when two people are not connecting. I’m going to guess that’s what is going on with this woman. She and her husband just aren’t connecting anymore. You’ve become her emotional friend. It’s very easy to become dependent on that attention. What I fear will be the case for you is that – once she no longer needs your attention – she’ll just pull away. For me, that can be devastating. The real question isn’t why she’s engaging in this secret affair of sorts. The real question is: why are you? You know on a conscious level this is a recipe for disaster, and yet. And yet.

Loneliness is a motherfucker. It can make us do things we know are counter-productive because we want to believe we matter to someone and that we’re not in this alone. One of the more difficult aspects to being single is going through a hardship and not having anyone to rely upon. That kind of isolation can exacerbate the sadness and make us vulnerable to situations that will ultimately hurt us.

I’m not going to judge you for exchanging emails with this woman. I’ve done it. I’ve been where you are. That heady buzz you get from seeing their name in your inbox can be intoxicating. But then they leave you, be it temporarily or for good, and you feel empty again. What I would suggest to you is to find outlets where you can form connections with people, even if it’s online. I was having a really rough day yesterday. A fight with my sister set off a chain reaction of emotions that left me feeling very…insignificant. Weekends aren’t great for me. Work slows down and people are away, which makes my feelings of isolation that much more intense. I decided to go to a yoga class, not just to get some exercise, but because there’s a sense of support in those classes I don’t feel in my day-to-day life. In the beginning of each class the instructor leads a chant of “Ohm.” When I first started taking yoga, I felt way too self-conscious to join in. I just sat there with my eyes closed, listening. Then one day I decided to give it a go. There’s some unifying in that chant that makes me feel less alone and like I’m part of something.

I would do what you can to find group activities and social circles to join. Volunteer to walk dogs. Volunteer, period. Go find that connection somewhere. It might not be the relationship you crave, but it will get you through the rougher times, the times when you want to break down and contact this woman. Oh yeah, did I mention you probably should cut this woman off? Yeah, that’s a must. If you don’t. it’s going to be like Lucy with football. She’ll tease you with the attention then rip it away when she no longer needs it, leaving you flat on your back, too much in pain to move.

Name: ACComment: Thank you for reposting and enhancing your column on why women should be discerning about who they listen to when seeking dating advice. I was struck by your comment on what it means when a man tells you that other men find you intimidating. It’s something I heard back in college and it’s a tough pill to swallow. After lots of reflection and information gathering, I believe my unappealing trait at the heart of that comment is a case of insecrurity-based showing off. I know that I need to change that; it’s something I am always trying to work on and be aware of in both my professional and personal life. That said, I worry that I still haven’t found the line between sharing enough of myself to be intruiging/exciting and talking about the stuff I’m proud of so much that I seem like a braggart/jerk. The insecurity is at its worst when I’m on a first date with someone I’ve met online (OkCupid), which is exactly when I need to be at my least show-offy. My core tools for managing it now are trying to keep stories brief, ending them with related questions that don’t throw down a gauntlet,* and carefully watching body language. I think it’s working– I’m getting asked for follow-up dates– but I know I can do better. Do you have any other ideas for how I can work on getting his attention as someone with lasting appeal without being showy/brassy?Thank you!!!

*I used to say things like “So where have you traveled?” or “You haven’t…?” Ick. At least I’ve learned that lesson.Age: 26City: PhiladelphiaState: PA

Name: Tori: Question: I have a guy friend who is confusing the heck out of me. He sends me shirtless Snaps all the time. As well as Snaps of food he’s making, and snaps of his dog. We used to work together, still do, just different departments. And I’m assuming that shirtless snaps aren’t just something you would send to any ol coworker/friend.

Yesterday, I texted him and asked him if he would like to go kayaking today. His response was “I already have plans for tomorrow :/ “

I guess I did the right thing by at least asking, so he definitely knows that I want to hang out with him sometime. But was his response a “no”? Because he didn’t come back with a suggestion for another time. But I also texted him today and he responded fairly quickly, so I guess I didn’t freak him out by asking. Age: 36

Methinks your guy friend is an attention whore. Here’s why:

You asked him to get together and he turned you down, saying he already had plans. Someone who was interested in you would have taken that opportunity to suggest alternate plans. This guy didn’t even say, “Maybe some other time?” He just flat out rejected you.

Attention whores always respond quickly. That’s Attention Whore 101: Always Be Available. He responds quickly because he wants you to interpret the immediacy of his response as a sign of his interest. You know who he’s interested in? Himself. Fuck him and shirtless Snaps. Only a douche would send those to a woman he wasn’t at least trying to date.

Did you freak him out? No, but only because he likes the idea of you desiring him . I experienced something similar afew months ago with a guy I met on OKCupid. We went out three times, each time he insisted upon paying. He answered my texts immediately. He sent cute “check in” texts. He even wiped food from my mouth with his fingers. But when I asked him if things were just platonic, he said he wanted to be just friends. As one very wise commenter here said, “He was definitely flirting with you. He might not have been interested, but he certainly wanted you to think that he was.”

And I’m assuming that shirtless snaps aren’t just something you would send to any ol coworker/friend.

Aaaand you would be wrong. Here’s a little secret: I have three or four photos I keep on hand for when I’m sexting with a guy. I don’t take new ones. I just send them the old stand bys. I will guarantee you at least some of the pics he sent you are ones he’s sent to several other women, too. I also bet that some of those women are ones he’s ‘just friends” with, too.

He’s stringing you along because he likes the fawning and flirting. While he could be interested, I feel pretty certain he has a roster of women he does this with on a regular basis.

Thoughts?

Oh, and new post over on the other site:

When I get in these funks, I like to write myself through them. This weekend, I wrote an intention list for the summer. There were a number of things on it. (Post a selfie of myself in a bikini; go out-of-town for a few days to someplace sunny; finish twenty-more scenes of my book; take Firestarter and Boot Camp at Equinox. ) But the last item on the list was something I hesitated to include, because it made me feel really, tremendously pathetic:

By the end of the summer I want to be dating someone. Really dating them, not just hooking-up with them.

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Playful KittenComment: I’m in my mid thirties and have been single now for a year. I’ve had a couple of hook ups and one proper date (which I instigated).

My problem is I never seem to get hit on when I go out. The last time it was a married guy and I quickly got out of that situation. I don’t do married.

I’m trying everything to look approachable, smiling and making eye contact with guys I think are cute but nothing ever happens. It seems as though I am surrounded by men already in relationships. Even just getting a hook up is hard. I get matches but they never bother to start a conversation or reply.

The only guys I seem to end up with are only after one hour stands (seriously never been longer than that )

One guy said that men are probably scared to approach me so what should I do other than always have to make the first move (which doesn’t always pan out).

Help!Age: 36City: CamdenState: London

Even just getting a hook up is hard.

The only guys I seem to end up with are only after one hour stands (seriously never been longer than that )

Okay, folks. Buckle up. This is going to be one of those posts.

The simple and most likely answer to this is that you’re putting yourself in situations where you are either a) flirting with guys who are out of your league or b) surrounding yourself with women these men find more attractive.

The issue isn’t that you’re intimidating or that men are somehow apprehensive about approaching you. Know how I know that? Because you can’t even get laid without making a concerted effort. People say things like, “Oh, guys are just intimidated by you” because that’s easier than saying, “You’re not attractive enough to pull the guys you want.” That doesn’t mean you’re not attractive. It means, and pay close attention to the verbage here, you’re not attractive enough to pull the guys that you want.

If you’re putting yourself in a setting where you’re surrounded by other women, you’re immediately setting yourself at a disadvantage. I’m talking strictly from a numbers perspective. If you’re 36 years old and hanging at bars or pubs or going to events that mostly attract a twenty-something crowd, that’s part of the problem. You need to put yourself in situations where you stand out. That means going to events that attract a thirty and forty something crowd.

Let’s be honest, single women. We often opt for the bright and shiny than the tried and true. We find the younger men more attractive, too. If we didn’t, I wouldn’t have a column. I can’t tell you how many profile review sessions I have where women in their forties insist upon focusing on the men in their mid to late thirties guys rather than pursue men their age or older.

“But..but…I get a ton of emails from guys in their twenties and thirties!” they say. Super. We all do. It means nothing.

“Well, have any of those guys turned out to be men you’ve dated long term?” I ask.

The line goes quiet. “Well…I still see some of them.”

So that’s a no?

If I hear one more man or woman express disdain for dating someone their own age or older because, like, ewww, I’m going to lose it. So what that they’re not as active as you’d like them to be? You’ve been doing all those activities on your own for this long, why can’t you continue to do so? Why do they have to share your love of zip lining or yoga or whatever else you do? Who cares? Okay, fine, you don’t want someone who stays inside wearing stretchy pants all day watching TV. I get that. But stop acting like there are the active people and the couch potatoes. There’s an in between there. You’re using the activity issue as an excuse to justify you’re own ageism and discomfort with getting older.

Stop posting photos that are 3-5 years old, people. (This goes for men and women equally.) Stop presenting yourself as though you’re not the age that you are. Cease and desist with all the mentions in your profiles about how you’re young at heart or don’t feel your age or how people always mistake you for younger. And set reasonable preferred age ranges. Holy bejeebus. If you’re a person in their late thirties or older – man or woman – and the lower end of your age range spans 10 years but the higher end spans, like, 3 years, you look delusional and rigid and ageist. It’s not cute. It’s sad. Don’t get me wrong. You can actually prefer and pursue that age range. Just don’t make that public on your profile. Fake it. Pretend.

And for those few who are going to whine about how I don’t root for my readers or some other such nonsense because I dare to suggest that someone might cast their net a tad too far, understand this. I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I see things for how they are rather than how you wish they would be. As for the other sub-section of perpetual complainers, no, I’m not saying take what you can get. I’m saying focus your efforts on people who want you, as I will almost guarantee that once they’ve gotten it out of their head that they’re probably never going to get that bright and shiny puppy, they’ll see that there are a plethora of other options that they find equally attractive.

End rant. Back to the OP.

Regardless of the type of men you choose to pursue, the trick is to get them away from all the other options surrounding them.

If you meet a guy online that you like, you need to get that first date set up pronto. Don’t allow the conversation to lag because the longer you go chatting without meeting, he’s on that site messaging other women. Screw the rules and gender roles and the oh I like a man to be a man bullshit. You have to ask him out. You have to be assertive.

See someone at a party or gathering that you like? Approach him. Get really comfortable with the possibility of being rejected and just walk right up to him and introduce yourself. That’s one way to separate yourself from the crowd.

If you’re never getting approached, there’s a reason for that. It’s not just random bad luck. If you struggle to get a guy to have sex with you, that’s a huge red flag that something is off, something that you’re not mentioning here. Is it a third eye? Do you have a hump on your back? I don’t know. It could be as simple as you’re as picky when choosing casual sex partners as you are when trying to find a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m the same way. But if you’re not converting any of these initiatives into a sale, so to speak, and the few you are closing don’t stick around for more than an hour then Houston, there’s a problem. If these guys don’t stick around longer than an hour, then I really hate to say this, but that sounds like they were having sex with you just to get off and probably weren’t attracted to you. If these men aren’t coming back for seconds or hanging out or anything, then something is very, very wonky.

Name: BAge: 38State:Question: I had a first date with a man from a dating site on Friday evening. Just drinks at a bar in town. We had exchanged a few fun emails before arranging the date, so there was lots of laughter and joking at the date, and I thought it was going well.

In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded. He said “Is that all you’re going to do? Nod?” So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was. He changed the subject. There was no red flag at the time, as everything was said in a lighthearted tone.

We discovered that my mother is from the same small town as his father, and he said “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!” which I took to be a lighthearted joke. We are also both interested in photography, and talked about our projects and exhibitions we have been to recently.

He asked me to accompany him to a gallery on Monday, and I told him that I had plans to go to a dinner party that evening. He asked me to cancel and go with him instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party, and I said it wouldn’t be possible at such short notice, and asked if he was available later in the week, but he changed the subject.

We held hands when he walked me to my car and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer. Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about. I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests. I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting. I’m confused because I always go dutch on dates, so there’s no pressure for the man to get a return on his “investment.” What’s your take on the situation?

This guy wasn’t testing you. He just wasn’t interested beyond a casual hook up. Tests are normally used to determine if there is genuine interest. This guy didn’t care if you were interested or not. He was talking about future dates and making references to how his dad would be excited that he “ended up” with a local girl to give you the impression that he was really into you.

He wasn’t. He was trying to get laid and he failed. Had you agreed to go to that gallery opening with him when he first asked, I guarantee you that he would have cancelled on you. He was trying to butter you up so you’d feel more comfortable going home with him. By the end of the date, he had exhausted all of his bush league tricks and just came out and asked you to take him home. When you said no it was game over for him. He was done trying. Don’t be fooled by the text the next day asking if you got home safely. That was just him investing in case he ever finds himself out of options.

It’s important to understand that a high percentage of the men that women meet online are just there to get laid. They’re not even looking to casually date someone. They’re looking for a straight-up one night stand. A one and done. The tell tale sign of such a man? They try to force a false sense of intimacy of familiarity right away.

He asked me to cancel and go with him instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party,

Okay. Let’s talk about the level of self-absorption and douchebaggery someone must possess to ever believe this is an appropriate request. These are the types of things that men do that should immediately make you suspicious of their intentions. This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night? He was feigning interest so that you’d be more willing to sleep with him. He’s thinking that, if you believe that a second date was already on the calendar, that you’d let your guard down. Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? That alone would have turned me off.

Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home. That alone does not mean the guy is just looking for a no strings hook up. Don’t automatically assume the guy is a lost cause of he does this. Isolated, this is not a bad sign. Combined with the “we” talk and atypical level of interest before the date is even over, and it doesn’t bode well.