This Week In Posters: Wait, Is Mark Wahlberg A Transformer Now?

This week in This Week In Posters, we fittingly begin with Baby Driver, a poster so full of flames and sparks that the move just has to be radical. For those of you who are just joining us, lots of sparks (or dirt, or flying granular debris of any kind, really) are code for “lots of action.” Anyway, this is a pretty traditional “pyramid of characters” design, but mostly I’m focused on the fact that Jamie Foxx seems to be pantomiming holding a gun with one hand while holding an actual gun with the other. That’s awesome. Nothing makes the threat of a gun more real like an actual gun.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Cars 3‘s marketing is so grandiose and dramatic, it’s like they’re trying to make us forget that this is a franchise that stars Larry the Cable Guy as a tow truck named “Mater.” By the way, is that “mater” as in a truck that likes to mate? Larry the Cable Guy as, The Horniest Tow Truck.

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This one keeps the lens flare and unnessary diagonal and adds some debris. That’s good debris! These are starting to feel like they might be action packed.

Victoria and Abdul looks like a British Driving Miss Daisy. But instead of Morgan Freeman driving Miss Daisy to her appointments, Abdul drives the British out of his country by killing Judi Dench with kindness.

Vince, I don’t ask for much so please do me this one favor. If, during your jet setting for junkets and media only screenings you come across the critic that actually called School Life “Joyous and humane” grab that person’s underwear, look them in the eyes and whisper “OhMyBalls sends his regards.” while pulling it over their head. Thanks in advance!

“This looks great, I’m going to be super sad when this guy gets murdered by The Mountain.”

Vince would have the GALL to assume ALL BROWN PEOPLE ARE THE SAME! I do not believe Sir Pedro Pascal is from the Orient sir. Have you learned nothing from the little brown girl from Fresno who won the Spelling Bee title? There are no little Lupe’s in those competitions you know.

BTW the Wonder trailer made my day when I saw it. I really do hope its an hour and a half of real fucked up jokes that they never got to use in Mask. Really praying for that Andrew Dice Clay writing credit too.

The Murder On The Orient Express poster is very cool. The trailer, however, looks like hot garbage.

The first Transformers poster causes me to see two things: One, Anthony Hopkins looks like he has a booger hanging from his left nostril and two, it appears as though he is uncircumcised. Quite a rare thing for an Englishmen and rare still for a Welshman. Did Sir Anthony, once he acquired American citizenship, decide to go full on cultural appropriation and have his doctor take a little off the top? Or was he a woman before the alien robot cars arrived and had gender reassignment surgery in order to combat them. Is that why it’s called Trans-Formers? Discuss.

Judging Judi Dench’s sly smirk in that first poster makes me wonder if she’s getting a little action on the side. Queen Victoria may have famously said “We are not amused”, but here she seems to be saying “We are slightly aroused”. You’re right though, that turban is dope.

And lastly, I’m wondering if Seymore Butts is going to sue Mandy Patinkin for copyright infringement.