Yes, I Killed You - An Open Letter

I pray the angels come and usher you into God's presenceMay they carry you, like I wanted to, when you fall asleep.May His love on you be overwhelming, dear daughter!May you laugh in the presence of the angels,The curse of death loses its sting, sooner or later..!!

Although God called you home so early,With so many dreams we had, so many songs unsung.Those lullabies that I tucked in my bosom,You'll be in my heart, in my dreams.The moments we had I will carry through, benumb.

I know I am the sinner, and yet,On bended knees I pray for you,As tear splash down my cheek.These tears in my heart will water my prayersTo you near His heart, may He keep..!!You have every reason to push me awayYou, and should, hate me for this wayI am the culprit, I do confessDying in the dead trepidation I pray you listenThe story of your mother, her cries forbidden..!!Perhaps everything that frightens us isSomething helpless that wants our love.Torn with anxieties and blighted,Far from the Lord’s world even I cameOnly not to be expected.As a clay toy we play with in summer,Is left to mix itself with mud in rain.I grew up as a broken part of a treeBled with the orgy ofIgnorance and disdain.Never allowed to raise my voice,I acquired a habit of permanent astray,Never admitted how I hated the wolf-whistlersLike hungry crocodiles ready to devour their prey.I sanctioned it, through their action and my inaction.A hapless girl with the image of my prince,I used to dream of every night.A little heaven of hope mixed with despairThat he will enter my life,And the dark days will one day be fair.The day came; I did not know would be so darkA fool’s paradise I was in; I was sold out.Dreams that I would make his life heavenOh! I was a burden for them tooThey demanded their voice out.Yet I endured, life can’t be so ruthlessNow, perhaps, I am at my right place“Hands that he has held mine, fluttered my heartWith bricks, he has made this houseI’ll give it my soul, my every part.”But Alas.! Even that was not meant for me.If he would only smile,I would have given him my heart.If he would only just grazed my hand,I would have undressed both of us.But a subjugated soul couldn't dream so pure.Where I wanted to love him,He craved for my body.Where I yearned for his touch,He embarrassed me with an authority.O daughter! How should I put my tears in words?The fear, the turmoil, the torpid, the chainWretched me through each day year-by-yearFrom an infant I grew too old,With a hope, nothing is permanent, my dear!But Alas! Nothing has changed.The body is still susceptible to painIt only has to eat and breathe the air; and sleep.Blood flows within the thick skin, I don’t know why.The body shudders as it shuddered,Now voice doesn't come out, I have stopped to try.But Alas! Nothing has changed.Tortures are just as they were,Only the houses have grown bigger.The fact that I am a girl still hauntsIt bruises, swells, oozes, bleeds and linger.But Alas! Nothing has changed.It’s just that men have become more foppish outside.Their ways to argue their righteous and justify are fancy.But the howl with which the body answers to them,Was, is and ever will be a cry over deathAccording to the age-old agony and pitch.But Alas! Nothing has changed.Except for the course of rivers,The line of forests, the color of flowers,The stretch of coasts, deserts and glaciers,The tides of oceans, the anguish of nature,The height of mountains, the number of creatures.Except perhaps the manners of societyThe eccentricity of ceremonies and cultureEvolution of science, books and gadgetsThe dreams, the aspirationsLeisure, attitude, sports and matches.But, amidst those landscapes still wanders my soul,It disappears, returns, draws nearer, moves away.A stranger to itself, phlegmatic,Unsure, uncertain of its own existence,As if the body has nowhere to stay.In that mannerism, the soul suffocatesThe movement of hands to shield the head remains the same.The body writhes, jerks and tries to pull away.So many lives at stake, still they sit so calmAs if they have all time in the world to fix the problem.They say you are what you do, not what you say.What they did to me made me cry at timesAnd made me spend sleepless nightsThe religion they boast of,I am in all their worship.Yet, as a wife at home, I am batteredAs a girl child, I am killedAs a student, I am trickedAs a worker, I am asked As a stranger on the road, I am raped.I bore it somehow, I know notHow I gathered the strength.But I couldn't muster up the courageTo see you in the same pain at lengthWith the dreams of a future brightWith the feeling what I was doing the bestI killed you…I killed you with my own bloody hands.I've closed my eyes to their hypocrisy for long enough.It’s time for the awakening, I prefer..Of my soul and their conscience. ButI want to let you know that you have my love forever.Learn, my child, to look at life early as a serious matter.It’s is hard; it does not pamper anybody,And for every time it strokes youIt gives you ten blows.Become accustomed to that soon, But don't let it defeat you. Decide to fight.Close the door and cry out loud,But never show the tear to those proud.I want to sing you the song of your own strengths.I want you to tell a different story.I want you to be just you, not anyone else.To be unique, beautiful, individual self.

I want you to be out loud grateful with you.I want to you believe in that is bigger than you.I want to help you have a go at choices.I want to help you savour being in the world.I want to encourage you to get up and try againAnd have another go.I want to help you find your signature strengthsSo that you can give to others and be kind.You have to keep this story runningBecause it’s time for my goodbye,But you have to fight.Not because you hate the present less, But because you love the future bright.When your innocence does not make you vulnerable,When your love does not make you weak,When you muster the courage to fight back tear,Come back to my womb, my love,That pain of being a mother, I will proudly bear…

A mother which allows her daughter to be killed in her womb in my views commits a much bigger sin than rapist. If a woman opposes in front of a doctor no abortion can be done.Female feticide happens because of silent endorsement of the mother carrying the baby. She doesn't deserve to be pardoned.