Ladies, men have finally caught on to our dastardly plot. Our days of stealing used condoms to collect their precious seed, running off to a shady fertility clinic, getting pregnant, then living large on $800 per month are numbered. A Houston man is suing his ex-girlfriend for undergoing fertility treatments without his consent and having his twins in a plot so incredible that Kanye West has declared it the greatest golddigging scheme of all time.

Joe Pressil is suing the Advanced Fertility Center of Texas because he claims that in 2006, his girlfriend of six months underwent IVF there using sperm she culled from condoms and brought into the clinic. Pressil tells Click2Houston that he wasn't planning to ever have children, but three months after he broke up with his girlfriend she got pregnant. After the twin boys were born, she successfully sued him for child support. (Pressil informed media outlets that his ex was an exotic dancer who used the name Sugar, because everyone knows stripper aren't to be trusted, particularly if they have funny stage names.) He says that he later received a receipt from the fertility clinic, though he didn't know his girlfriend was getting treatments and never consented or knowingly gave a sample.

Pressil says that in hindsight, he should have noticed something was fishy because his girlfriend would "always take the condom and she would run off out of the room," right after sex. The fertility clinic says semen is sometimes brought in from home because men don't like coming in to the clinic, but they have a consent form signed by Pressil and he would have had a blood test prior to the procedure. The woman's lawyer adds, "He injected her with hormone shots, How could he not know? They were in a relationship and were trying to get pregnant the old-fashioned way, and they couldn't." She says Pressil just wants to get out of paying child support now that they have twins.

If Pressil's sperm truly was being stolen from him and used without his consent, that's terrible. However, something about the story doesn't add up. Pressil says his ex's aim was to stay in his house and take half of his posessions. There's no indication of Pressil being Mr. Burns wealthy, and he's currently paying $800 a month in child support. It seems like an awful lot of effort to steal sperm, carry twins, and raise them until 18 just to make a few hundred dollars a month. But then, as his attorney explains:

For a man it's very terrifying, particularly if you're not planning to have a family. Any woman, I guess, could go and do this if they're in a relationship.

An isolated incident would be one thing, but clearly all dudes should be worried that their girlfriends are secretly scheming to have their baby.