The Real Story: My rise & fall through it all: my struggles with finding happiness and love while fumbling through depression. Finding success, wealth, and notoriety while encountering equal, if not greater, failures and errors in judgement. Then finding myself somehow discovering and recapturing love and other things I had lost along the way. And in all of this, I have now realized what I sacrificed and those I hurt by paying the ultimate price; the Dao of Chris.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Hunger is the most important thing we know...the first lesson we learn.
But hunger is easily satiated. There is another force; a different kind
of hunger. An unquenchable thirst that cannot be extinguished. Its very
existence defines us...makes us human. That force? Love.

That love, is the one force that cannot be explained nor broken down
into a chemical process. It is the beacon that guides us back home when
no one is there and the light that illuminates our loss. Its absence
robs us of all pleasure and our capacity for joy. It makes our nights
darker and days gloomier. But where we find love, no matter how wrong,
how sad, or how terrible, we cling to it. It feeds on us...and we feed
on it. Love is our grace. Love is our downfall.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

This is a cynical business. It seeks only imperfection. Actions create consequences, which produce new worlds...and they are all different. When we choose to continue down a path, that is a certain world. When we choose to take the path less traveled, that is another. All these worlds heretofore are known to us. They have always been there. I would urge you to see the truth of the situation we are in. It is not for me to tell you what you should have done or should not have done. The world in which we seek to undo the mistakes we have made is different from the world where the mistakes were made. We are now at the crossing and we want to choose... but there is no choosing. There is only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago.

I am a deeply reflective person. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that reflective people often find themselves in a place removed from the realities of life. We should all prepare a place where we can accommodate all the tragedies that sooner or later will come to our lives. However, this is an economy in which few people care to practice. Do not continue to deny the reality that you are in.

Life is not going to take you backwards. You are the world you have created... and when you cease to exist, this world you have created will also cease to exist. But for those with the understanding that they are living the last days of the world, death acquires a different meaning. The extinction of all reality is a concept no resignation can encompass.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Happiness... Happiness is a word for a feeling. Feelings are rarely understood in the moment. They are quickly forgotten and almost always misremembered... and besides, feelings are totally full of shit.

Happiness is a characteristic of our American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to 'be
happy.' But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to 'be happy.' On top of that, the single-minded pursuit of happiness is ironically leaving people less happy,
according to recent research. Ironically, it is the very pursuit of
happiness that thwarts happiness.

Nearly a quarter of all Americans do not have a sense of what make their lives meaningful. Most importantly from a social perspective, the pursuit of happiness is
associated with selfish behavior... being, as mentioned, a "taker"
rather than a
"giver."

Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow,
self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and
desire are easily
satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided. I suppose by that logic, I should be exuberantly happy. If there is meaning in life at all, then
there must be meaning in suffering.

This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and
gives a meaning to their existence has a bearing on creative work as much
as it does
on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is
realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence
and its continuance
to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the
responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits
for him, or to an
unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows
the why for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any how.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I know it may be a lost notion, but love is passion...obsession; someone you simply cannot live without. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head and listen to your heart. You become swept away. The truth is, there is no sense in living a life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But one must try... because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Monday, April 14, 2014

A world, before I was born. A place I have only seen pictures of. I
know you, but we have never met. I am with you, but I don't know your
name. I know I am dreaming but it feels like more than that. It feels
like a memory. How can that be?

The questions I ask, she doesn't. The things I wonder about, she won't. ‎But how can that be?

Thursday, February 20, 2014

I answer that question a bit differently than most. I was such a better person than I am now. It's true. I'm serious. I was happy. I was open. I was honest. I was curious. I knew when it was ending though. I was overwhelmed with sadness when I knew... it was all going to change. It was like a nostalgia for the present that I knew I couldn't shake.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Friday, February 14, 2014

I believe that there are some aspects of us that continue to live on beyond this life: the example. What is that you ask? The example is what you leave behind...the good or bad. That is what people remember.

I have done things that I am not proud of. Things that will never be forgotten; nor likely forgiven. But I will try to do my best to make amends and do my part. The example is what remains and will forever echo.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

There are an estimated 7.2 billion people alive on the planet right now. Odds are, roughly 60 million of them die annually. The law of averages suggest that about 160 thousand die each day. I believe it was Orson Welles that suggested we begin and end life alone; but everything in between is simply an illusion. That simple fact used to keep me awake at night: a chronic insomnia. Now, I find that Welles and I both espouse that belief, as my time on this world soldiers on. We all die alone.

So I beg the question, why am I supposed to spend my life working and struggling? Is it simply to support or subsidize an illusion? No amount of friends, women, ivy league education, imported cars, big homes, impressive careers, entrepreneurship accolades, or suffixes at the end of my name will help me escape my inevitable fate.

It becomes difficult to shake the awareness of your mortality, once it steps out from the shadows and makes itself known to you. Unfortunately, it begins to make the mundane routine of your life seem meaningless. Now, before you write me off as a depressed fatalist, realize that I have been depressed in the past... It was an acute episode and I can honestly say I am not suffering from depression or any comorbidity. This is a revelation... a sudden realization. It is a poignant moment of clarity.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Folks, here is my case and point as to why my family is crazy. My uncle takes photographs of the
television. And no, to clarify: he does not take photographs of the TV
hanging on the wall for interior design or aesthetic purposes. He takes
photos of live TV to recreate as if he was actually on the field during
the game or perhaps to grab stills as if the imaged frames were to never be seen again. And no; no one in my family believes this to be an odd
behavior. Perhaps I should reacquaint myself with the DSM-IV. I wonder if he has the expressed and written consent of the NFL? Probably best not to ask...

Thursday, January 23, 2014

So, you've become memorized by T-Mobile's new advertising where they will pay you to terminate your contracts with other major carriers? They have promised consumers the world: the fastest wireless network on the planet, free international roaming and calling, no contracts, upgrade your phone every 5 minutes if you feel like it,and they will reimburse your $650 per line to get you out of your contract with a competitor and onto their network with a new device. No doubt T-Mobile's corporate CEO John Legere will let you use his corporate jet, crash Hollywood elite VIP parties, and will personally come to take out your household trash.

Do you sense any sarcasm yet?

Consider the following, as this deal seems too good to be true:

T-Mobile’s requirements: Eligible device trade-in, new
device purchase, qualifying credit, number port in from AT&T, Verizon, or
Sprint, and qualifying postpaid service required. Missing any one of
these and you're out in the cold and not eligible.

T-Mobile's trade in program: This is an absolute joke. I was offered a mere $200 for my AT&T iPhone 5. If I sold it as a trade in to any competitor, I was offered far more. Hell, if I sold it online or through Craigslist, I would have earned twice as much.

T-Mobile's ETF Rebate: If I were you, I would not be holding my breath folks. Read the fine print. You could be waiting 8 weeks or more for your ETF credit. Think you will be receiving a check or cold cash? Think again! You will receive a prepaid Mastercard in the mail. If it is like other rebates I have received in the past, good luck trying to get the cash out of an ATM. You have to spend it like you would at a merchant... Perhaps Mr. Legere believes you will pay your T-Mobile bill with that money?

Fastest Network: Seriously? Carriers are still fighting over this? It is a completely subjective and arbitrary argument. You mean to tell me that T-Mobile, which has questionable suburban coverage north of Boston, is always faster than it's AT&T or Verizon counterpart? If that is the truth, then why did T-Mobile have agreements with AT&T to use their towers and their bandwidth for so many years? I suggest you check the coverage maps and then confirm that the areas you live, work, and play are "ON NETWORK" versus "OFF NETWORK" before buying and locking into a contract.

Just my two cents, but this consumer will not be jumping ship anytime soon.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The questions I ask - she doesn't. The things I wonder about - she won't. I know her, but we've never met. I'm with her and I don't know her name. I know I'm dreaming, but it feels like more than that. It feels
like a memory. How can that be?

For years I searched. It had to exist... because I knew. If we have souls, they're made of the love we share. Undimmed by time. Unbound by death.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been cheating on
me. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She
started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask
which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks
down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got
out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked
her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and
screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her?

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my her. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide
behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could
see which car she gets out of. It was while I crouched behind my car that
I noticed rust around my rear wheel well.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

Saturday, January 18, 2014

It’s all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a
person can’t deliver, if they keep screwing up, well eventually I guess
you just have to say "fuck you"… or words to that effect... with all due respect, of course.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

It seems that only three states are doing an effective job of combating the growing problem of prescription drug abuse, according to a recent report from the National Safety Council. The report, "Prescription Nation: Addressing American's Prescription Drug Abuse Epidemic," credits only Kentucky, Vermont, and Washington for meeting standards in four areas identified: prescribing and overdose education and prevention programs, prescription drug monitoring programs, responsible painkiller prescribing, and state leadership action.

The report identified 14 states as having failed to meet any of the standards: Arizona, Delaware, Hawaii, Iowa, Maine, Nebraska, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, and Wyoming... according to the NSC.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

After
arriving at work earlier this morning, one of my colleagues made the
observation that not only did I look unhappy but I looked as if life had passed
me by. I wasn't all that surprised. After all, I was quite unhappy. I bit my
tongue and repressed the urge to say that, not only had life passed me by, but
I believe it paused along the way and spit in my face. I suspect they
could read the subtext…

You can
argue that it is impossible to stay in any relationship very long without
concealing what you really think. Being in love means not actually saying what’s
on your mind. Despite the plethora of “RomCom” (situation romantic comedies
or love story) movies that inundate our theaters, I find that real life is
hardly akin to what is portrayed on the silver screen. Falling in love or
finding romance is something that most adults have experienced in their lives.
The theme is universal and encourages the moviegoer to make a number of
unhealthy comparisons. It ultimately leads to the question: Why can’t our love be like that? Perhaps this is a
box best left unopened.

I've noticed
that Hollywood rarely makes any films about long-term couples. Things change
once you've been together for five years…or more. We've become the boring or
predictable sequel to the original film, which no one in their right mind would
pay good money to see. Despite this, I venture onward. You may call me
unimaginative, but I cannot see myself being with anyone else. On our worst
days, I figure things will work themselves out. Otherwise, I try not to think
about it much. It doesn't do me any good anyway. What more could she want?It was an incredibly
stupid question. Hollywood characters might chase one another down in some
quasi-romantic fashion or perhaps follow each other in some seemingly futile
transcontinental voyage that somehow ends in a hopelessly-romantic, grandiose,
and over-the-top happy ending where the boy gets the girl or vice versa.
However, real love equates to withholding the truth… even when you are offered
the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. I wish that I had said
something to that end at the time… but I did not. I wish this was a box that I
could unopen, re-wrap, and place quietly under the tree for another year.