beyond feelings

Month: January 2015

I CAME ACROSS THIS ARTICLE AND I THOUGHT HOW CLOSE TO HOME IT HIT. BUT IT GOT THE POINT ACROSS VERY WELL……..

Five Ways To Find ‘Safe’ Love

In our surveys, we have found that women spend far more time on learning how to ‘attract’ or ‘keep’ a relationship, then looking at the health of it, or leaving it.

If you look at most of the relationship books, it’s all about how to find him, attract him, keep him, and get back together with him. But what if what you always seem to attract is unhealthy men? Then your Guy Magnet is not a good thing. Women who have been in dangerous relationships are often more ‘attracted to’ the bad boys then healthy men. In fact, most women say that if given the choose between the ‘nice guy’ and the ‘edgey bad boy’ they would pick the guy with ‘the edge.’ Women say they often don’t even know what ‘healthy is’ in a relationship. Even knowing that they don’t know what ‘healthy is’ does not slow them or stop them from dating until they figure out what healthy looks like. They keep doing the same thing and getting the same thing–dangerous relationships.

TIME OUT: GAME OFF! If your last 3 or 4 relationships have been unhealthy or even down right dangerous, STOP. Put yourself on a ‘Do Not Date Program’ until you get some help to find out ‘how to spot’ unhealthy and dangerous relationships. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DON’T SEE.

What are some ways to find ‘Safe’ love?

Stop dating until you can learn to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy. If you can’t name the 14 signs of a bad dating choice, you shouldn’t be dating! If you want to know what those are–get the Dangerous Man book.

How are your break up skills? Women worry more about their dating skills then their break up skills. But if you keep picking the dangerous guys, you better know how to quickly and safely end it! These guys do not break up like normal men do. Additionally, women who have been in more than 1 dangeorus relationship tend to be women who wait to be ‘released from the relationship’–that means, they wait for him to end it and stay far longer than they feel safe doing. However, since they don’t know ‘how’ to end it, they don’t. To find ‘Safe’ love, learn how to break up.

You steer the ship. Women often let the man decide the pace of the relationship–how often they see each other and how fast they get serious. Guess what? Predators have agendas. They want to see you 24/7, they want you to ‘think’ you have this fast and deep relationship when you’ve only been dating a few months. You are their ‘soul mate’ and it’s ‘never been like this with anyone else.’ 24/7 does NOT mean he’s ‘that into you.’ It is often a red flag for predatory agendas. Women should be in charge of the pacing. If you have been doing the 24/7 Tango, pull the plug. Tell him you need a breather for a few days and would like to get to a normal dating schedule (a few times a week). Normal men will accept it. Pathological and dangerous men will: guilt you, rage, blame you, accuse you of seeing other people, threaten to break up, call you/text you 40 times a day. That’s NOT normal. But it’s best you see that now rather than when he has moved in. Women should always PLAY with the pacing and see what reaction they get.

Learn his history. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What is his past? If you feel like you can’t take his word for it, then for $29.95 you can find out ALOT about what he has been up to in the past. Things I always look for as a therapist are, his criminal history, his relationship history, his mental health history.

And contrary to what he might be saying, all the other women weren’t ‘witches, psycho, or ignorant.’ His relationship history is his alone and points to how successful he is at handling the challenges and hurdles of relationship life.

Listen to others. STOP ‘dissing your girlfriends when they tell you the TRUTH about him. The people around you are your best opportunity to hear about him–to tell you if they are concerned about something, to tell you if you have changed for the worse during this relationship, or to point out patterns that notice in the men you choose. Take your fingers out of your ears and hear it.

Women who want healthier and safer relationships have to begin by acknowledging what they have been in up until now and take the steps to learn and change. If we can help, please let us know.

Here’s to Safe Relationships in 2007,

Sandra L. Brown

Psychotherapist & Author

How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Counseling Victims of Violence

Sandra L. Brown, holds a Masters Degree in Counseling and is the Director of The Dangerous Relationship Institute: A Women’s Relational Harm Reduction and Public Psychopathy Education Project. She is the author of ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man’ and is a psychotherapist and author. www.HowToSpotADangerousMan.com

THIS ARTICLE IS FREE TO USE AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THE ARTICLE AS IS AND INCLUDE THE BIO AND URL.

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sociopaths are usually intelligent, witty and articulate. often they are very likable and very

charming. they can be great conversationalist and tell many stories that make themselves look good, most of it usually lies mixed in with a little tiny bit of truth to keep you confused. the are experts at being charming and charismatic. they can appear to be experts in sociology, psychiatry, medicine, psychology, philosophy, poetry, literature, art or law. often with these traits there is a lack of concern at being found out that they are not.

2) EGOCENTRIC AND GRANDIOSE

sociopaths have a huge ego and a highly inflated sense of entitlement, self worth and importance. they see themselves as superior and the center of the universe. they feel they are justified in

living according to their own rules. sociopaths are seldom embarrassed about there legal,

financial or personal problems. instead they see them as temporary setbacks, as the result

of bad luck , unfaithful friends or an unfair and incompetent system. they blame everyone

but themselves. psychopaths feel that their abilities will enable them to become anything they want to be.

3) NEED FOR STIMULATION AND PRONE TO BOREDOM

an excessive need for thrilling and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that

are risky. psychopaths often have a low self discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. they fail to work at a job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4) PATHOLOGICAL LYING

can be moderate or high; in moderate form they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative and dishonest.

5) DECEITFUL AND MANIPULATIVE

the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain. in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present. as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of ones victims.

6) LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT

psychopaths show a huge lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on

others. a lack of feeling or concerns for the losses, pain and suffering of victims. this is usually

demonstrated by a disdain for ones victims.

7) SHALLOW EMOTIONS

emotional poverty or a limited range or dept of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness and superficial warmth.

8) LACK OF EMPATHY

a lack of feelings towards people in general. cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, tactless.

9) PARASITIC LIFESTYLE

an intentional, manipulative, selfish and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self discipline and the inability to carry through ones responsibilities.

a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an in discriminant selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of numerous, multiple relationships at the same time. a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity ( rape ) or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits and conquests.

an inability or persistent behavior to develop or execute long term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14) IMPULSIVE

the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations and momentary urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; fool hardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic and reckless.

15) IRRESPONSIBILITY

repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16) FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS

a failure to accept responsibility for ones own actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17) MANY SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIPS

lack of commitment to a long term relationship reflected in inconsistent undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including in marital and familial bonds.

18) JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

behavioral problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism , exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough mindedness.

19) REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE

a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation or failing to appear.

20) CRIMINAL VERSATILITY

a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes or wrong doings.

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remember two things, 1) people don’t understand and never will what you are going through unless they have been there themselves 2) you are in the phase of your healing where you want and need answers to why and how this happened to you, it is a very normal response considering whats been done to you but there are many questions you have that you are not ever going to get a logical answer to. what happened to you was not logical and borders more like insanity, so your best solution is to understand what a sociopath is and try to accept the false reality of what your life was, don’t ever let it happen again, and in time you will start to let go. other people who know some of the real truths are not going to tell you for fear it could cause more damage to you plus people just do that for some reason I don’t understand. as far as the trust and lies you are forever changed now in that area but you will come to a place where you open your heart a bit your just way more careful who you open it to. you need more time to process everything that has happened to you and to heal. it will come to you when it is supposed to you cant hurry it along.

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its been awhile now since my relationship with my sociopath came to an abrupt halt. i look back at the beginning of my journey and see where i am today and to say i have learned so much is an understatement. i didn’t write about my recovery here i joined a support group called Daily Strength and that is were i poured my soul out to strangers who have now become a group of women and even men who are my dearest friends. i don’t know if i would still be here today if it hadn’t of been for there support and understanding of the devastation and loss i was going through. this has been an experience that i will never forget nor have i learned about a topic as much as i have sociopathy and the result to its victims. it seems to be as many as 1 in 20 people have this personality disorder yet it is a very taboo subject and not one you can just go out there and find any kind of ” in person ” support groups so i had to go online, not a place i am very trusting to be anymore since i met my ex there. it doesn’t take you long before you figure out why this topic is not discussed. many of our high ranking government officials are thought to be sociopaths all the way up to many presidents, that alone may explain a little why we don’t teach our children in schools about these bad people walking our planet, which we should. or as many of us feel it is not something easily understood until it happens to you.

support is so important when going through something so lonely so i decided to start a support group on Facebook in 2014. i didn’t expect to it to go far its a closed group so it isn’t really advertised much but it has taken off and people are coming out of the woodwork to join. i feel like ive given back to all those people especially one girl who writes Datingasicopath.com. all the way across the world one person got me through till i found the other side. she is my inspiration and one of the dearest friends ive ever had. one day it would be so nice to meet her in person.

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THIS IS WHAT I CALL VERBAL VOMIT, NARCISSISTS, SOCIOPATHS AND PEOPLE WITH A.S.P.D. WANT TO KEEP YOU ISOLATED FROM EVERYONE BECAUSE MOST OTHERS CLOSE TO YOU CAN SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING. WHEN YOUR INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE OF THESE PEOPLE YOU ARE BLIND TO MANY REASONS BEHIND WHAT THEY SAY TO YOU AND WHY. THE TERM LOVE BOMBING IS HOW IT STARTS OUT. FROM THE SECOND THEY MEET YOU WITHIN A DAY OR SO THEY ARE DECLARING THERE LOVE FOR YOU,THEY TELL YOU THAT THEY HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE YOU BEFORE THIS, THEY ARE MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. OR SO THEY SAY, WHEN IN REALITY THEY ARE TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR SO YOU WILL GIVE THEM ALL YOUR TRUST AND FOR ME, MY LIFE HAD BEEN SO PAIN FULL THAT I BELIEVED IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO COME, I FOUND MY ” LOVE OF MY LIFE”, MY “SOUL MATE“.I COULDN’T HAVE BEEN FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH, I FOUND THE MOST EVIL MAN I HAVE EVER MET. THEY GET YOU TO TELL THEM YOUR DEEPEST SECRETS AND YOUR MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS YOU WOULD NEVER TRUST TO TELL ANYONE ELSE. THEN WHEN THEY ARE THROUGH WITH WHAT THEY WANT TO TAKE FROM YOU AND HAVE NO USE FOR YOU ANYMORE THEY CHANGE INTO A MONSTER. USING EVERY LITTLE TINY DETAIL OF THOSE SECRETS YOU ENTRUSTED THEM WITH AND TURN IT ALL AGAINST YOU LIKE YOU ARE SUCH A PIECE OF GARBAGE, YOUR “ISSUES AND FAULTS ” ,,,,,,,,EVERYTHING YOU EVER TOLD THEM WILL TURN AND BECOME USED AGAINST YOU IN A WAY THAT IS SO DAMAGING TO YOU. I WANTED TO DIE. AND WHEN HE DID THIS TO ME I WAS SO LOST AND SHOCKED, BUT THEN I LOOKED UP ” WARNINGS OF ONLINE DATING ” AND EVERY LINK I HIT HAD THE WORD SOCIOPATH IN SUCH HUGE LETTERS, I COULDN’T OR DIDN’T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS SO I LOOKED AT THE TESTS OF PERSONALITY TRAITS AND BEHAVIORS OF A SOCIOPATH AND MY LOVE OF MY LIFE HIT ALMOST EVERY SINGLE ONE TO A T. I SEARCHED FOR ANY OTHER ANSWER,,,,,,,,THERE WASN’T ONE AND HOW HE HIT EVERY MARK BY DEFINITION STARTED A FLOOD OF COMMENTS HE HAD MADE TO ME IN THE LAST 3 PLUS YEARS. THOSE COMMENTS THAT AT THE TIME I THOUGHT WERE “OFF” BUT JUST THOUGHT ITS PART OF HIS ARTISTIC PASSIONATE SIDE.

BELOW ARE SOME OF THOSE COMMENTS THAT HE SAID TO ME , THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON…..

YOU ARE MY SOUL MATE

I HAVE MET YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE, MAYBE MY LOVER OR SISTER OR WIFE

WE ARE EXACTLY ALIKE

YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME

YOU SEEM SO FAMILIAR TO ME YOUR VOICE AND YOUR WAYS

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU OR LOVES YOU THE WAY I DO. NOT YOUR FAMILY OR YOUR FRIENDS. I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY

GOD PUT ME ON THIS EARTH TO HELP YOU AND OTHER PEOPLE, TO HEAL YOU AND OTHERS

I HAVE SEARCHED THE WORLD FOR YOU AND NOW HAVE FOUND MY REASON FOR LIVING

THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON……….A SOCIOPATH WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING THEY THINK YOU WANT TO HEAR IN THE BEGINNING STAGES OF THE RELATIONSHIP. I REMEMBER MY FIRST RED FLAG THAT I IGNORED THAT HE SAID TO ME WHEN WE FIRST MET;

HE SAID HOW IF SOMEONE IN HIS LIFE DISRESPECTS HIM ( MEANING SAYING SOMETHING HE MAY NOT AGREE WITH OR LIKE) HE JUST DELETES THEM FOREVER FROM HIS LIFE. I NOW KNOW THIS IS CALLED DEVALUE AND DISCARD. BUT IT WAS TO LATE I IGNORED MY INTUITION AND I WAS ALREADY ADDICTED TO HIM

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one of the biggest questions I see asked among survivors of sociopaths is do sociopaths know what they are.

true sociopaths know by an early age that there is something different about them. they are very aware they do not have the same feelings as normal people do. there gut reactions are not the same. by the age 13 they will have learned the technique of mirroring what should be normal responses to emotional feelings. they will watch how a normal person reacts to pain and or other emotional situations and pick up these responses from their surroundings that will later set the stage for how they will learn to manipulate and deceive others in the future. I have found it interesting to go to such websites as sociopathworld.com and read the interactions between sociopaths and other people. if you ever want to know how a sociopath thinks try this sometime and listen to what they have to say. it can be chilling when you hear it from the mouth of a true sociopath. I believe that a true sociopath knows exactly what is wrong with them and has learned at a very young age how to use this to his or her advantage in life.

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sometimes i question myself just for a second then i go online and see all the different names you use. i see all the pictures you have posted of yourself without a shirt on and i think , does he really think he is that hot? im sure it seems perfectly normal for him to be on social media without his shirt on but if he only knew. he would think so , narcissist. to me its one of the biggest red flags out there that he has a personality disorder. but how many different alias’s does one person need unless to deceive others? not to mention the 20 year old profile pictures he puts up of himself. seriously, who are you? 20 year old pictures of what you looked like in your 20’s? news flash, you dont look anything like your pictures you post. i guess its all part of the deception game you play. claiming to be looking for your soulmate, someone to share your life with, just you and him. oh but you forgot to tell me that you are really into group sex and open relationships. yea that was a little different than who you portrayed yourself to be. everything you ever told me or led me to believe was a blatant lie. i see now how everything you said was a lie of some kind. narcissitic sociopaths are such liars the scary part is they lie so much they believe themselves. i dont envy you on judgement day thats for sure.