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The drillers wonder what to do next. Meanwhile, I wonder why NASA couldn't have studied the many considerably large asteroid fragments in order to learn Rastaroid's hardness, and develop a drill bit that was capable of drilling through it. But I guess that's just my East Coast intelligentsia bias speaking. After all, NASA was more preoccupied with selecting the people least capable to do the job than worrying about that kind of trivial stuff.

Rastaroid continues to hurtle toward Earth, while back at Houston, a group of techies have wandered onto the CSI set. They're lit green against the dim blue room as they explain the latest plot contrivance. It seems the moon's gravitational pull has sent the asteroid into a full spin and soon communications will be lost.

Scary General cuts to the chase. "If we lose the shuttle com, when do we lose the ability to remote detonate that nuke?" A woman who looks and sounds like a blonde Demi Moore explains that after the seven minute window closes, a higher orbiting satellite will give them an additional five minutes. Dr. Quincy says this means they've got twelve minutes to decide. Thanks, Skipper. I mean, I shudder to think of how many brain cells this film has killed, but I still think I could have done that bit of arithmetic myself.

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Back on Rastaroid, AJ drives the Armadillo towards Harry's signal. An incredulous Lev asks AJ if he realizes they're stuck on an asteroid, and wants to know if he has the slightest clue what he's doing. AJ angrily replies, "I have no idea what I'm doing! No idea! This button? I have no idea what this button does!" Perhaps that's why you should have familiarized yourself with the equipment instead of tearing it to pieces the first time you laid eyes on it.

Meanwhile, Harry and Chick return to the shuttle and Col. Sharp asks how far they've gotten. Harry ducks the question and asks him to help with the transmission, but Sharp has to give a status report, so he presses the question. Harry snaps that they're "not as deep as we'll be when you stop asking these questions and help us load this transmission!" Yeah, who needs status reports or protocols when you can just rush right into another bullheaded display of brawn?

Sharp loses his patience and announces they've had two hours and need to be at 200 feet. Harry reluctantly admits they're only at fifty-seven. Sharp looks horrified and rushes to the com room, with Harry close behind.

At the controls, Watts, or as I'll be calling her, Astronaut Useless gets a shaky connection with Houston. Sharp pulls out a random card that says "Drill Time" as he explains that at the current rate, they have over ten hours to go, which puts them four hours past the "zero time".

Harry grabs the com and yells, "This is what happens when you drill!" No Harry, this is what happens when you suck and fail. "We cannot use your Air Force personnel-only drill time card! Who wrote this thing, anyway?" Probably someone with a great deal more knowledge and understanding of the situation than you, Harry. A certain someone who is probably rocking in a corner and weeping to himself as all his hard work goes completely to waste.

Astronaut Useless warns that communications are breaking up, and the gang in Houston watch dutifully as our saviors have a petty squabble on the screens. At this point, my temper is such that I would gladly go see the next ten Michael Bay movies if this one ended with the cast strapped to the asteroid and sent screaming into the sun.

Harry insists there's still time, while Sharp points out they've had their chance and they blew it. And if the movie expects me to go "boo hiss" at Sharp raining on Harry's parade, they can just forget it. Harry offers the lame comeback of "Go write a report, why don'tcha?" as he stomps off to the controls. He's dead-set that his men will dig this hole, and Sharp strikes one for the audience when he proclaims, "You and your men are the biggest mistake in the history of NASA!" And considering all the mistakes in NASA's history, that's still putting it mildly.

Meanwhile, the President has been informed of the situation. He places a call to Scary General and tells him it's time for "Secondary Protocol". This basically means that, at Houston, the elevator doors open dramatically and a flank of Air Force soldiers march out. It would have been hilarious if right before they appeared, we had been shown them patiently waiting for Secondary Protocol while idly playing Gameboys and flipping through InStyle.

The soldiers' jackboots echo ominously through the hall. I think that's too subtle, Mr. Bay. Couldn't you have filched the Imperial March from Star Wars for the full effect?

Grace continues the proud action movie tradition where anything without a Y-chromosome cracks under pressure, as she hysterically tries to stop them from setting off the nuke. This prompts Truman to let loose with the one allowed utterance of the F-word in a PG-13 movie before he angrily storms off.

Then a proud Michael Bay tradition continues with various hands typing in codes on several metallic suitcases, numerous characters shouting for them to stop, and all of it not making a bit of sense.

On the asteroid, Sharp punches a code on a locker, then pulls out a handgun and an envelope marked "SECONDARY PROTOCOL EYES ONLY". Astronaut Useless looks at him wide-eyed. Sharp tells her to start evacuation procedures.

Chick and Harry are standing near the nuke's control panel when it suddenly lights up. Chick nervously asks why the nine-foot nuclear weapon just turned on, and all Harry can do is stand there dumbstruck and whisper, "My God."

Hey, who knew Texas Instruments made nuclear warheads? Not me!

You know, I've figured it out. Willis' performance in this movie consists of 50% shouting about how his men will complete this mission, and 50% standing rooted to the spot whispering, "My God".

Comments:

green

green

10/29/2014 3:05:57 AM

hello

Asimovlives

8/26/2014 10:19:42 PM

This review will never get old.

green

10/29/2014 3:08:34 AM

hey

Pisd off tw@

4/4/2013 9:53:33 PM

"A spinning space station would only generate force outwards, that is, away from the center of the station"... WRONG! They are not on the surface of earth - centripetal force doesn't act outwards and if you think it means centrifugal force then it aint! Look it up 'cos I can't be arsed to explain it

drdvdplayerhandbook

6/8/2012 3:07:50 AM

You know, I've watched this movie a number of times (I like to re-watch bad movies once in a while, OK? It keeps me from overly insulting mediocre movies by calling them "bad"), but if it wasn't for this recap, I would still be puzzled at the part in which AJ gives Truman the mission patch. I kept thinking "What's this all about?", because I could never remember the part in which Truman tells Harry about wanting a patch.

This is, of course, due to the fact that the dialogue in this movie is delivered so hurriedly and it's so unmemorable that it's pretty much impossible to remember the lines. And I'm not saying you won't remember them in a couple of weeks after watching it (duh), I mean that you will forget them while watching it.

Asimovlives

8/26/2014 10:24:42 PM

You should watch this film with the audio comentary on: Michael Bay sounds like the delusional loonie he is, Jerry Bruckheimer spends the whole movie hardselling it, Bruce Willis sleepwalks through it and barely says anything, but Ben Affleck is utterly hilarious. His remarks about the absurdity of some plot points and his stories about Michael Bay during the filming is priceless.There's also some scientists guys who were hired by the film production to be the science experts but they spend the entire film saying where the science is wrong (basically, everything portaited in the film except for the fact that astroids do exist), and by the end they just give up even giving a pretence on defending the film on the pretense of entertaiment and throw their hands in the air is quiet desperation. It's hilarious.

Scary General

4/7/2012 6:57:19 PM

Hey I liked that movie but the recap made me ROTFL :D

Tom

4/4/2012 12:59:27 AM

Whilst on a plane to Argentina I had the misfortune to encounter what I assume was a scifi channel original movie in the same vein as this entitled "impact" and well I still enjoyed it more than this film (Mostly due to the whole row I was in riffing on it) in spite of it being described as "[receiving] little comment from the scientific community due to its lack of realism, incorrect use of terminology, and basic misunderstanding of the law of gravity, as we currently understand it"

Trinneergirl

3/22/2012 3:07:31 PM

I'm told that 2012 alsmost made it to the bar of scientific fail that is Armageddon, but as I haven't seen it, I couldn't tell you if it's true. If it is, *shudder*.

Asimovlives

8/26/2014 10:25:34 PM

It is.

John - McDonald, PA

3/16/2012 5:26:05 PM

Perhaps my wife and I both have bad test or something, but I liked it more than my wife, it's one of my favorites actually and my wife thought it was pretty good.

Daniel B

12/25/2011 5:00:32 AM

I really need to wait until I read the whole review so I can just comment once. But The Core is worse than Armaggedon. It was worse than any reasonably-mainstream (ie not some $500 D-movie) movie every except for maybe Star Wars I and Star Trek V.

Daniel B

12/25/2011 4:49:20 AM

"Whatever happened to the nuke on the other shuttle? Shouldn't that have exploded or something when the ship crashed? Even if it wasn't armed, aren't those warheads sorta... volatile?"

Nope. They are designed so that they don't cause nuclear explosions when not armed. The bomb's explosion comes from energy the atoms within an (ordinary, non-explosive) substance splitting apart. If that doesn't happen - and it can't happen before they are armed - there's no kaboom.

Daniel B

12/25/2011 4:11:44 AM

>> "The Bible calls this day Armageddon. The end of all things." Because Christianity is the only religion that really matters, right?

Fail in two parts. To the writer of this article for a conclusion that doesn't follow, and to the writer of the dialogue because Armageddon isn't the name of a day, it's the name of a hill in Israel.

Daniel B

12/25/2011 3:26:16 AM

"They set us up the bomb!"

Sigh. Nobody ever quotes this part of Zero Wing right. It's "set up us the bomb."

"Yankees win!" was a hilarious caption. I love how nobody making the film realized how meaningless a few bombs and a few feet of digging matter to something the size of Texas. It's like saying that nuking Austin would blow the whole state apart if the bombs were underground.

that guy

2/3/2012 6:54:28 PM

I think its funny how people like to make assumptions about physics when they A: Don't have any formal education about physics beyond their own life experiences, and B: Have absolutely no knowledge about geological composition. Do some learnin' before you go openin' that pie hole.

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