The Government Actually Planned For The Zombie Apocalypse

The only time the American government can get something done is when the problem is entirely fictitious.

In April of 2011, the United States government came up with "CONPLAN 8888" – the official title for a hypothetical plan of what the US government would do in case of a zombie apocalypse. Yes. That is an actual thing that exists.

"CONPLAN 8888" has a picture of a zombie on the front page. Don't believe us? Click here if you're looking for something fun to read this afternoon. It's all true.

The idea was born in late 2008 and early 2009 after several government employees figured it would be entirely worthwhile to devise an actual (if admittedly hyperbolic) plan for what would happen if scores of the undead decided to walk the Earth again.

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The report centers around the Chaplain Corps being sent out in full force, as well as remote-controlled robots. The robots are to build thing where humans can't because of all the zombies, obviously. There's also a heavy-handed mention of using hand sanitizer in the article because why not, eh? If it can kill 99% of all germs it can probably kill at least 25 percent of the zombies, presuming that zombies are actually made up of kids sneezes and dodgy bathroom door handles.

The Center For Disease Control released a similar "plan" on Zombie awareness earlier this year, so maybe the government really is trying to tell us something.

North America is entirely safe, by the way, as Canada passed a similar ordinance last year.

At least they were kidding.

Just a reminder: Climate change is actually happening and creating more severe storms than ever. It might lay waste to an entire seaboard and render some of our nation's largest cities uninhabitable by the time our grandkids are dead, and we're doing nothing about it in America because it's more convenient to pretend like it doesn't exist. But a zombie apocalypse? Oh, the entire continent has got that shit covered.