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Saturday, January 23, 2016

On J.O.Y...

It’s used to convey the notion that our primary focus should
be Jesus, then other people, and lastly – ourselves.

The phrase is used to let many people know that they should
not be selfish, and they should put the needs of others ahead of themselves.

I have always hated that acronym. It isn’t the letters, it
is their order.

In my life, I have never had trouble taking care of other
people before I took care of myself. In fact, I would say that not taking care
of myself has been one of my largest struggles. You remember that blog where I
avoided going to the doctor for 10 years? And that other one where I never asked for help? Yeah,
it’s a problem.

When I was a kid, I can remember packing my mother lunches
before she went to work so she would have food to eat. I’d make her an egg
salad sandwich, pack her some fruit, and then I’d shower and get ready for
school. I was eight.

Taking care of others before I took care of myself is a
theme that followed me to other relationships. In eighth grade I had a terrible
friendship with a girl named ‘Terri.’ If there was a board game Terri wanted to
play, I’d give in. If there was a snack Terri wanted, I’d get it. I’m sure
Terri loved having me as a friend, but I did not get much out of the relationship.

In my first few romantic endeavors, I can remember making
sure the needs of my significant other were taken care of before I would ever
consider myself. With my ex-husband, I remember spending a few months doing all
of the housework, working two jobs, and doing all of the laundry because he
voiced that he was tired. My needs? Can’t say I thought about them.

Some people are givers. Some people are takers. Many people
are a bit of both.

I have found that there are two really big problems with
always being the giver.

First, always being a giver allowed me to ignore my own
personal needs and problems I should have been addressing. Yeah, I packed my
mom lunch because I loved her. But I also packed her lunch because of a deep
insecurity that if I did not take care of my mother something bad would happen
to her. What? Who knows?

And I took care of so many things for my ex-husband so that
I could avoid taking care of my own issues. Lose weight for my health? Why
would I do that when I am taking care of a spouse? Spend time in prayer? How
can I do that when I am helping all of these friends?

Second, I think my need to take care of others first comes
from a deep insecurity that if I do not please other people they will not love
me. And if no one loves me, who am I then?

If I pack my mom lunch, she will love me. Right?

If I do everything for my spouse, he will love me. Right?

If I do whatever my friends need, they will like me. Right?

I found out the hard way that nothing you can do will make
people like you.

After I got divorced, I lost several of my ‘friends.’ When I
moved to Michigan I knew no one, but became friends with two women I thought
loved me. When I got divorced these women told me they no longer wanted to be
my friend because ‘of my decisions.’

I thought I had done nothing to them. I had been whatever
they wanted whenever they needed it. Yet, they could still dump me. I was
baffled.

Losing those friends taught me one of the best things I have
ever learned. I learned that you have to be yourself and you have to take care of
yourself. I could spend my entire life pretending to be some else and do whatever
people want, and people can still hate me or leave me. So I might as well be myself and take care of my own needs.

I highly doubt that I am alone on this. In fact, I’d venture
to guess that a lot of people take care of others to the detriment of their own needs.

So that annoying acronym. I think we keep Jesus first, because through Christ and our
devotion to Him we can understand how we should respond to all things.

Then, You. If we keep in line with Christ, it will guide us
to take care of ourselves. If I have little sleep, how can I serve others? If I
never exercise and am unhealthy, how can I take care of children? If I never
buy myself anything, how can I be happy for my friend’s gifts?

In keeping in line with Christ, and then taking care of
ourselves, that will allow us to have the energy to take care of other people.
We should be taking care of others. We should love our friends and family. We
should take care of others.

So I propose we arrange this acronym. Instead of J.O.Y., how
about J.Y.O.?