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8.06.2008

The Clubhouse Insider

After two disappointing, soul-sucking defeats at the hands of the Seattle Faux Hippies, the Twins came into today's game needing a win, but lacking the energy to get it.

The mood was sombre. The music on Delmon Young's boombox was not (as it usually is) "The Final Countdown" but instead, "Suicide is Painless". Gardy the gnome left the players to think about their situation themselves, pushing his wheelbarrow of woe. Finally someone spoke.

"But Mike, we've lost the last two games...we just don't think a dance of jubilee is appropriate." complained Harris, as Lamb continued to dance manically {"Hie-chi-cha! Hie-chi-chaaa-ha-hoooey!!"}

"Come on guys!" said Denard Span, rising from his chair "Mike Lamb's right..."

"You think his Jig of Jubilee is the best thing ever?" asked Harris, while Lamb continued to dance, {Yip-a-hip-a-doo-wa-french-dip!!}.

"God no," said Denard, "But we aren't going to play well if we sit here feeling sad. We won't score runs if we're too busy sobbing to run. We won't get Raul Ibanez out if we throw him beach balls to hit."

"But Denard!" cried Glen Perkins, "How can we go on? Livan is no longer here to ease my pain, and make me mojitos, and give me massages while he eats the delicious pies that my namesake restaurant chain makes."

"Glen! You will love again! Ask Dennys Reyes, I'm sure he'd like some pie" (Reyes nodded vigorously) "Besides, there's more to pitching than pie. And there's more to life than the fun we've had and the game's we've won. You've got to think about today, and more importantly, tomorrow!

"Today we will hit! We will run! We will throw! and we will catch! When we do all of these things, we will win! And as we win, we will celebrate! And as we celebrate we will win! As we celebrate wins and win celebrations we will excel and make ourselves great. So great, that one day, I will open a chain of stores that sell high quality home improvement goods at low prices! My name will be synonymous with saving big money and greatness! For that is what our organization is all about! Saving big money and greatness!!

The clubhouse was quiet for a moment, well, as quiet as it could be with Mike Lamb continuing his Jig of Jubilee {"yachee-chacha-parchee-zee-zee-YAHOOTZEE-YAHA!"}. Then a slow clap began from the locker of Brendan Harris, then went to Nick Blackburn, and spread slowly around the clubhouse until they raced onto the field and played their way to victory.

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