A note from my heart:Many of you believe me to be a hate filled, angry, vindictive woman because this blog exists. If you knew me personally, you would not think this way.

And it doesn't matter what your opinion of me is, this is not about me.It's not about forgiveness.

I forgave Darrell L. Gilyard one night back in 1991, in a moment of prayer and realization that hating him would never be helpful for me. That I needed to forgive in order to be set free. I didn't want to give him power over my life - I wanted to seek victory through the knowledge that the one who granted me life, could someday use the pain and circumstance I was in to bring good. It developed my charachter and made me a very strong person, grounded in faith. I have never lost sight of the love of the Father. I began to see man as just that, no matter their position, just a human trying to reach Godliness. I didn't hold people on pedestals. For that I am grateful, it saved me a lot of heartache.

I have never done this with an ounce of hatred or even really anger, though you may not believe it. Truthfully, I become angered sometimes by the covering up of sin by people, than the sickness of the man producing the sin. Because that really just gives him more power and allows him to be blinded to the effects of his actions.

If the opportunity arose, I would greet Darrell on the street, I would not be angry. I would not be fake. I do not hate.

Many, many people have let me down in life - it just is the natural course of life. If I allowed them power over me, I would be bitter and angry. But that would serve me no purpose in overcoming. It is not who I am. It is not God's plan for my life.I got a precious gift for Christmas - a sign with one of my favorite sayings -

"Life isn't about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Apostle Paul taught us that we can have joy in the midst of suffering.

This blog is only a source.People who choose to read it, do. Those that hate it, shouldn't fuel their hate by reading it.I do not post here often as it is simply a source of information. I did not comment for the news article because I saw no point and felt it only fueled more hate. My position is not about me. It is not for attention or to see my name. In fact, having my name attached is in some ways damaging to me. If I was anonymous, people would call me a coward. I am not ashamed. This happened. I have forgiven. God has a plan. He doesn't need me for the plan.

My only hope and prayer is for knowledge, for knowledge produces wisdom and wisdom produces understanding.

Someday, if Darrell continues a path into ministry - or any other field - and somewhere a person gets a little uneasy feeling...just happens to google his name...they will be warned. What is done with that knowledge is up to them. It is up to you.

If I had known of his past in 1990 - which there was a vast knowledge of indiscretions covered up - then I would have been armed, I would have had wisdom and understanding that he was not a safe person. He could have chosen to take the same knowledge of his weaknesses and not placed himself in positions with girls and women as a mentor. He chose not to - I didn't have the ability to make such a choice to protect myself. Neither did these victims. In fact, their parents, like mine, were totally unaware.

Someday - one person, one girl, maybe many, will be protected - simply by this knowledge.

***Darrell, whatever you choose to do, no one can stop you. Whether in the light or in the dark. If you have allowed God to reach those places in you that are broken, those places that have wanted to have power over others to make you feel strong. The need to take from people. If you have allowed healing - true healing. It will show in your choices and how you live out the rest of your life. There is no doubt that God can use you, your story, your crimes for good. That is never a question in my mind. But what God can do is not to be confused with what He desires to do - and you have free will to edit His plan. What man plans is not always in alignment with what God plans. I forgave you years ago, I do not stand in judgement of you and you have no power over me. I have no desire to be consumed with you or thoughts of you - as you once told me in your perversion of scripture - but, I will pray that God keeps you from being able to violate one other female soul in your time on earth. I pray that every possible opportunity is available for the girls/women in your future path to not be confused by your charms and your misuse of their trust. The purpose of this blog is for knowledge, to lessen your power. Not to intentionally harm you.If you have overcome this and are healed, I pray blessings over you and give God all the glory for your healing and it will be known as you move forward in life. And God alone would be glorified! It's not about you anymore Darrell.***

You see, we as believers have become a mockery to the world. We have confused forgiveness and blindness. You who are followers and supporters of Darrell, God bless you for your unfailing love. He needs people to be supportive, to be prayer warriors, to love him, to council him, to mentor him. Just use wisdom in this devotion. Your council should reflect that of the Father which is wisdom - there should be time and a level of trust established. Time for restoration, time for accountability, for healing. Not a rocket ride back into power...but it is your choice obviously, so if you all choose that this is the path....

There are girls and women out there that have not healed from his crimes - one reason is that he has never shown them remorse or repentance. There are children born out of this pain. There are lasting ripples in the lives that will not stop with one girl, it will be passed into her relationships with men, in marriage, with her children...with her family. Pain and scars of betrayal and loss of trust...even a desire to detest all things spiritual. Pain that you can never understand. Some are stronger than others, some heal and others just can't seem to get past it.

Darrell, if you ever decide you want to apologize to these women, girls and children - to start the chain of healing - let me know. thefamilycircus8@gmail.com I will post it on the blog. Surely you could humble yourself to that, if your heart is repentant. To tell them that your weaknesses had nothing to do with them, that they deserved more. That it had nothing to do with them but was all about you. It would go a long way to healing for many.

I have written this blog for the girls out their with names and faces, real people whose lives have been forever altered. That have not healed. I have read your stories, your letters, your emails, I know most of your names. You are on my mind and in my heart as I started this blog, as I chose to leave it up all of these years. None of this is about me. I found healing years ago. This is all for YOU - to hopefully keep knowledge alive, to keep others safe. YOU are martyrs in some ways, YOU were the warning cry...YOU are now the lighthouses that show that depite man's hurt, you can overcome! YOU can! YOU are not what he used you for - YOU are not who he told you that you were and you are definitely NOT his victim!

Whether or not he ever heals, YOU can! Find power in that...find healing.

God be glorified! To the world - we as believers are a laughingstock - God is not who we reflect most of the time. Please don't let this become your reflection of who you think God is. Dig deeper. I am a broken person that is trying to find her way, I desire to reflect God's love as I desire to be loved that way as well. I am not perfect - I do not feel I am better than him or anyone else...in fact, truth be known, I am really hard on myself. But I do believe there is a God - one God - and I have a personal relationship with Jesus, who I desire to be like...though I will never achieve it :-/I am not a super christian or a throw it in your face believer - I believe everyone has a choice to believe as they wish...I only wish in some ways through my day to day interaction to people for them to see something different in me. It is not me they see...but the goodness of Jesus shining through. And Jesus unconditional love of me when I am not showing his goodness...

Scripture

Psalm 17:8-13 says, "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me. They close up their callous hearts, and their mouths speak with arrogance. (vs.13) Rise up oh Lord, confront them, bring them down; rescue me from the wicked with your sword."