Archive for July, 2009

Sources close to the Treasury Department say the U.S. government has yet to act on the proposal made recently by a mysterious man named “Bernie M. Adoff” claiming he can save our suffering economy. So the anonymous financial wizard has done what anyone does in a tough economy: he’s offering a better deal.

His original offer was “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money” in return for $2.4 trillion delivered to a prison address. In a letter sent early this morning, the man “guarantees to triple your money in less than three years, or, your money back. If it doesn’t happen, I guarantee I’ll be mightily disappointed!”

The letter continues, “There’s never been a better way to lock-up guaranteed returns on a rock solid investment designed specifically with the U.S. Government in mind so you can sleep easy knowing your money’s working overtime.”

The new proposal also has a time sensitive bonus. “And if you act before midnight Tuesday, July 7th, I’ll give you Michael Jackson’s sequined glove and a mint conditioned autographed copy of ‘Thriller’ with a $1 million bill attached. You get priceless Michael Jackson memorabilia, plus a more robust economy. But wait, there’s more! If you act NOW, I’ll even enroll every American lifetime membership in the Gold Brick Bullion of the Month Club. Imagine the joy of having your mailman hand deliver a gold bullion brick to your doorstep every single month! Don’t miss this incredible once in a lifetime opportunity to secure an address on Easy Street. Act now, if not sooner!”

An anonymous government source said, “I just don’t know how we can pass up this deal. I mean, saving the economy and getting the glove! Holy sammyzoni!”