The Slice: Giving you the green light to pinch

You know that tradition of pinching someone who isn’t wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day? Sure. Well, what are the pinching rules when that special day falls on a weekend, as it does this year?

I suppose we could just do our pinching on Saturday and call it good. But if you aren’t going to have access to co-workers or classmates, might the whole hands-on exercise lack a certain pizazz? Certainly.

That’s why I’m proposing we do our pinching today.

Yes, if you see someone not wearing green today, pinch away. Assuming, that is, you are confident your actions will not lead to protracted grievance hearings.

Of course, it could be argued that this whole thing is nonsense. And some of us might insist we still have bruises from where some wild-eyed grade school vixen named Pam latched onto us with a lobster-like pinch. So enough already, some might say.

Still, reviving this practice on St. Patrick’s Day Eve could be diverting.

Just imagine. Plump, inviting shoulders and other targets of opportunity would abound.

Think of all those blue, red and umber shirts and dresses beckoning you.

“Ow! Why did you pinch me? That’s going to leave a mark.”

“You aren’t wearing green.”

“But it’s not St. Patrick’s Day until tomorrow.”

“I know. But The Slice said it is permissible to pinch people on the nearest weekday.”

One benefit of this plan is many on the receiving end of pinches will be among those who do not read the newspaper. And, you can admit it, don’t you sort of think those individuals deserve to be pinched? But perhaps that is my own bias.

Admittedly, pinching mania has lost momentum over the years. Those insisting on ascribing deep religious significance to all things St. Patrick’s Day and the ever-murky pinch/harassment continuum have robbed the festive nip of its childlike innocence.

So I suppose we could all just go back to drinking green beer. Though that might be a hard sell in grade school.

This date in Slice history (1995): Today’s Slice question: How many current Spokane area residents were vaccinated against polio during the ’50s at the Coliseum?

Today’s Slice question (nearly annual St. Patrick’s Day Eve query): How does your last name sound if preceded with an O’?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Gary Hutson would like to do Sean Owsley’s job for a day, in part because Gary would enjoy hanging out with the KHQ morning anchor’s on-air colleagues.