The no-holds-barred tale of a Chicago-based thirty-something living the so-called dream

Thanks to a friend’s Facebook post this morning, I learned that today is National Cabernet Sauvignon Day. Umm…HOW WAS I NEVER INFORMED OF THIS BEFORE?!?!?! Good thing I picked up a bottle the last time I was at Target as a self-defense weapon and didn’t need to use it. So how am I celebrating? At home. By myself. Consider me Grumpy Cat in human form.

I like to think I’m a “Social Drinker” as I often find myself in social settings…with a drink in hand. After surveying several other interior designers, I think it’s safe to say that cocktails and designers go hand-in-hand (literally). A good cocktail brings out the best in us and makes conversation flow more than it already does among us. Sometimes, however, I just don’t feel like being social and want to stay home in a pair of gym shorts with and enjoy a glass/bottle of wine alone. I still consider this a form of social drinking as I am frequently FaceTiming or texting a friend who is doing the same thing. For instance, I am currently multitasking between typing this and texting a friend – the same friend who thankfully informed me it’s National Cabernet Sauvignon Day – who is celebrating it at home with his boyfriend. Coincidence? No. We just like our holidays.

So in honor of National Cabernet Sauvignon Day, I’ve put together a little guide for how to celebrate it if you feel like being antisocial like I do tonight. I consider it a wonderful little 12-Step Program for nonalcoholics like myself.STEP 1
Buy a bottle of Cab Sauv. It’s a prerequisite. Or if you’re like me, just walk over to your wine rack. There’s a pretty good chance you’ll find a bottle.

STEP 2
Pull on gym shorts if you haven’t already. Sweatpants are also acceptable. Even just a pair of underwear. Who cares? You’re home alone. Just be comfortable.

STEP 3
Find a corkscrew. I prefer the butterfly type because I’ve never been able to master the art of a wine key.

STEP 4
Get out a wine glass. I know people say that the shape/type of glass matters, but I just prefer a fishbowl on a stem. If you can fit half the bottle in it: even better. When you’re being antisocial, laziness is key. The less refills, the better.

SIDE NOTE: Whatever you do though, don’t put it in a trenta-size Starbucks cup. While it WILL indeed fit (trust me, I know), this crosses a dangerous line into alcoholic territory. This is only acceptable if you’re going to the beach, but even then you might still get judged. Stick to white wine in these situations. It looks like a Green Tea Lemonade.

STEP 5
Pour yourself a glass. What are you waiting for?

STEP 6
Call/text/FaceTime/Skype/whatever a friend who will assure you that you’re not an alcoholic for not having a desire to go out on a Friday night but still wanting to celebrate the holiday. Chances are they’re sitting at home doing the same thing.

STEP 7
Go start your laundry. If you’re like me, one of the main reasons you feel like being antisocial is because you have a Mount Everest-sized heap of laundry that you’ve been avoiding all week and you don’t feel like wearing anything that’s clean out to socially celebrate.

STEP 8
Instagram a picture of your wine. Just no selfie. At least not until the second glass. You don’t want to give the impression on social media that you’re really not a social person.

STEP 9
Wonder aloud if your laundry is done yet then realize it’s only been 15 minutes. It’s okay to talk to yourself out loud. Nobody’s there to hear how crazy you sound. Remember? You’re antisocial and home alone.

STEP 10
Pour yourself a second glass of wine. You deserve it for being so productive on a Friday night.

STEP 11
Think to yourself how much money you’re saving by staying home and being responsible. The $8 you spent on that bottle of wine wouldn’t put a dent in the bar tab you’d be amassing by consuming the same amount of said liquid had you decided to go out.

STEP 12
Wake up from your laziness-induced nap and go get your laundry from the dryer. Then go back to bed. It’s past your antisocial bedtime anyway.

There you have it. An easy 12-step program to successfully celebrate National Cabernet Sauvignon Day for those of us who are antisocial and want to be seen as neither a social drinker because the only clothes we want to wear out are currently in the washing machine. Call me antisocial, but at least I’ll have clean laundry tomorrow morning.

The modern misadventures of a twentysomething transplant from Nebraska, trying to navigate Chicago. Many gays love meddling with my life, for better and for worse. Fortunately, I'm a less horse-faced version of Carrie Bradshaw, that, unfortunately, never gets any action.