Contents

The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it.

Crikey! I've lost my mojo!

I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot... all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh, behave! (laughs and claps with the fembot hand, then throws it away) Yeah!

[to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

Mini-Me, you complete me.

(spins out of control on his chair) All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, okay? Okay, getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. (spits) Okay. Gonna vom.

Look at me, I'm a big fat slob! I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book! I've not seen my willy in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead! [on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself. [slowly breaks wind] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead. Oh, who am I kiddin'?! I'm gonna kill ya, anyway!

(after Felicity has kicked him in the groin) OH!!! Right in the mummy-daddy button!

Austin: [unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact] Oh, thank God.

Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really tryin' to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other.

Austin: Who are you, baby?

Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: Excuse me?

Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: And I Vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin: I can guess, baby.

Ivana: We play chess.

Austin: I guessed wrong.

Ivana: It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers. I assume you know how to play.

Felicity: Let's look at the map. [drags Austin by the binoculars and heads into the tent]

Austin: Oh, God!

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.

[Austin wheezes heavily]

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott: Oh, nothin', Darth.

Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

Scott: Oh, nothin'. [sneezes] Rip-off!

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Dr. Evil!

Felicity: That was easy.

Austin: That was easy.

Felicity: Why did you tell us?

Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin: (quickly) Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!

Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa: (spits) I spit at the question.

Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?

Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.

Austin: Fine. (slowly) Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?

Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.

Felicity: Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.

Mustafa: No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin: He's right.

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. So therefore, it is fitting to call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

Basil: Hello, everybody!

Austin: Hello, Basil!

Basil: The results are in. We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.

Dr. Evil: (to Mini-Me while he gives him a flu shot) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. (hands Mini-Me a lollipop) I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you!

(both he and Mini-Me laugh evilly)

Fat Bastard: Would you like some chicken? I've got more.

Felicity: No, thanks.

[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed; Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his rear end]

[he shows a clip of a UFO from "Independence Day" blowing up the White House]

President: [freaks out and ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!

[the staff realizes that everything is safe]

General: It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

Dr. Evil: Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie "Independence Day", but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. Scary.

Austin: (about to travel back to 1969) Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to... (cross-eyed) Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil: I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing, and just enjoy yourself. (to the home audience) That goes for you all, too.

Austin: (to the home audience) Yes.

Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows, maiden name Spitz.

Austin: Well, which one is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?

[Austin and Swallows fall from Austin's pad after a shot from a bazooka]

Swallows: The fall will kill us both, Powers!

[Austin moves Swallows in front of him to both break his fall and kill her as well; they land hard on the sidewalk]

Swallows: [still alive] You can't win, Powers.

[O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his machine gun, and opens fire]

Austin: Why won't you die?!

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.

Dr. Evil: Why make trillions when we could make... (zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause) Billions? (grins)

Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.

Scott: You-- You can't even--

Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.

Scott: Look, all I'm--

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.

Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?

Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!

Scott: Ugh. I can't--

Dr. Evil: (to the tune of Devo's "Whip It") When a problem comes along, you must zip it! (imitates whip) Zip it good!

Scott: Frau, would you please--?

Dr. Evil: (speaks Japanese) Subtitle: "Zip it".

Scott: I'm just trying to--

Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?

Scott: I want--

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott: Stop.

Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)

Scott: All you--

Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)

Scott: You--

Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)

Scott: You're like a child!

Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)

Scott: Talkin'--

Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)

Scott: If you just--

Dr. Evil: (speak gibberish)

Scott: Just--

Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)

Scott: One time--

Dr. Evil: Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

Scott: Mom?

Frau: Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.

Scott: I thought I was a test-tube baby.

Frau: Lies. All LIES!!!

(Springer and the audience react)

Mustafa: [after the credits] Hello, out there! Is the movie over?! I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!