Ideally a piece of arts criticism can stand alone as a work of literature. Articles by masters such as David Denby (film) or Calvin Trillin (food) are engaging even to the reader who has no intention of consuming the product under review. For those who do choose to watch, read, eat, look at, or listen to the subject of a review, the criticism should deepen the experience of watching, reading, eating or whatever.

It is a sacred duty to be a critic in any field. Not only can a critic affect the professional course of a musician’s life, the critic may actually affect how people listen to music. It is interesting and distressing that the potential importance of the critics’ role has no apparent relationship to their abilities or training. In fact, for many publications blogs the only qualification for a music critic is the willingness to be a music critic. The reason is economic. Many smaller publications offer only token payment. These hobbyist critics and perhaps even many of the pros do this work for the love of the music. They listen to staggering quantities of recordings. They write for near to nothing and then in their off hours blog and comment on blogs about the same stuff. God love them for that.

The bigger publications pay better, of course, and their critics are more polished. But too often avant-jazz critics are stumped as to what to say. They rely on two common strategies. The first is simple affect. “I liked this. I didn’t like that.” They function as a Consumer Reports for music. The other is to offer blow-by-blow descriptions of the music in allegorical language. “Lowe then enters like sparks careening from a welder’s torch. Reacting with alarm, Drake parries with snare-drum thunderclaps and floor-tom canon blasts. Soon…” and so on.

Below each critic is evaluated for his or her body of work rather than for individual reviews. The rating system is divided into two components: reviewership and musicianship (where known), each on a scale of zero to five upturned noses.

Why am I qualified to critique critics? As part of my graduate research I studied the topic of criticism and conducted experiments on how reading criticism affected listening. I have been reviewed and interviewed often enough to be exposed to some critics’ strengths and weaknesses (don’t get me started on, well just don’t get me started). And if they can, why can’t I?

bias ➤ It seems as though he listens primarily to rock and post-bop and he appears ignorant of New Music and Experimental Music. "The three great musicians of the last century all three came to their peak in the 60s: John Coltrane, Miles Davis and Jimi Hendrix. In the totality of human musical history, you can forget about the rest of twentieth century composers, but not those three.”

reviewership ➤ Strong opinions and an absence of knowledge is a deadly combination. 2 upturned noses

reviewership ➤ He writes capsule reviews of a flood of submissions. The most unpalatable aspect of his reviews is his high-school grading system. (My lowest grade has been B+ and the highest has been A-.) That's even more sophomoric than upturned noses. He loses two upturned noses for repeatedly comparing me to Derek Bailey and half for calling Moersbow/OZZO "more pleasing than anyone would expect," which reveals that he didn't expect it to be pleasing. 2.5 upturned noses

personal contacts ➤ Back when I was a young musician in Chicago and he was a mediocre drummer who had to pay real players out of his own pocket just to get a sideman gig, he claimed I stole his girlfriend. I only borrowed her for a few days, but I guess he figures he owes me one.

personal contacts ➤ We had a weird exchange. In his review of Song Songs Song he busted me for an error in my liner notes (I meant sharp 9 but wrote flat 9), but then erroneously said that a person I quoted (snidely, he says) “does not even know Fields.” She does and I told him, but he left the error posted.

reviewed ➤ Song Songs Song

bias ➤ Unknown

reviewership ➤ He reviewed the CD in a vacuum, without listening to anything else of mine, and made several errors. But although he could have spent less time analyzing the liner notes, he seemed to grasp the music. 2.5 upturned noses

musicianship ➤ Appears to be a guitarist, but that’s all I know. Evaluation Pending.

personal contacts ➤ I met Jon when he contacted me for an interview. He stayed at my house overnight, talked to me for hours, until I refused to continue, and then told me that he didn’t have a publication for the story. He was just hoping to find one and never did.

Some time later I invited him to watch my ensemble rehearse, record, and perform my composition “96 Gestures.” The idea wasn’t so much that he needed to write about the project, but that it would bring him in contact with the musicians, including Joseph Jarman, Myra Melford, Rob Mazurek, Matt Turner, Dylan van der Skyff, Francois Houle, and others.

He didn’t take a single note during the five days that he observed us. He barely spoke to anyone. When he returned to Minneapolis he spammed all 13 of the musicians with a long questionnaire. The result was a flood of what-the-fuck? emails from the musicians to me. Nothing came of this visit either.

A couple of years later Jon told Signal-to-Noise that he would write a profile of me and asked for a stack of my CDs they had in a queue to be reviewed. Did the same with Coda, but never wrote for either and both publications then couldn’t review the CDs because he wouldn’t return them. I will someday punch him on his upturned nose.

reviewed ➤ Disaster at Sea, Five Frozen Eggs

bias ➤ Avant-garde jazz.

reviewership ➤ Ultimate slacker amateur. Would give him 0.5 upturned nose, but I’ll throw in an extra for the nice label he used to run. 1.5 upturned noses.

personal contacts ➤ The late Harvey Pekar was one of the first national critics to review my music. We spoke on the phone several times and met once. Shortly before the movie based on his comic series, and so his life, American Splendor, was released, we spoke on the phone. I said that he must be excited. He said “I don’t know. I don’t see how I’ll make any money on it.” For his second review of one of my CDs, Fugu, he chewed out the community of Madison, Wisconsin, where I lived at the time, for insufficiently respecting and acknowledging my work. As it turned out, this was not an effective way to endear a musician to the local audience.

reviewed ➤ Running with Scissors, Fugu, From the Diary of Dog Drexel, profile for Jazziz

bias ➤ Although Harvey was best known as writer of the American Splendor comic books and as the subject of the movie of the same name, and for his contentious appearances on the David Letterman Show, he was a long time jazz critic and collector. He had no apparent bias.

reviewership ➤ For his pure, unsullied Harvey-ness 5 upturned noses

musicianship ➤ If he had been a musician, I think I would have read of it in American Splendor, but I don’t know for sure.

aggregate rating ➤ 5 upturned noses

Alexandre Pierrepont

publications ➤ Improjazz

personal contacts ➤ We have had pleasant email correspondence. Alexandre is also somehow connected to the French label, Rouge Art, which released my CD We Were The Phliks.

reviewership ➤ Insatiable. On average, he produces 40 reviews a month but listens to 80. That may explain why his reviews are never brutally negative: he discards what he considers the chaff. He is well-informed and writes fluidly in what I assume is his second language. 4.5 upturned noses.

personal contacts ➤ Ken and his wife, Susan O’Connor, met with me for coffee in Cologne. The second time I asked why we were meeting, whether he was working on an article about me. I also snapped at him for joking about my music.

reviewed ➤ Bitter Love Songs, Music for the radio show, This American Life, Beckett (his #5 CD for 2008), From the Diary of Dog Drexel, We Were the Phliks, Mamet, Moersbow/OZZO

bias ➤ Avant-garde jazz

reviewership ➤ Well-listened, good-hearted, but a reputation for making up facts. 3.5 upturned noses

musicianship ➤ unknown

aggregate rating ➤ 3.5 upturned noses

Kevin Whitehead

publications ➤ Fresh Air

personal contacts ➤ We have met in passing a few times and he was civil, but he seems to harbor deep anger about something.

reviewed ➤ None

bias ➤ New jazz that swings, especially from Europeans. Has written at length about the Dutch avant-scene.