The world owes a great deal to minor Simpsons characters, and I have taken it upon myself to periodically-yet-irregularly celebrate them as the spirit moves me. Today we honor Ralph Wiggum.

There is no place on the social structure for a second-grade boy who thinks rats are “pointy kitties” and calls his teacher “Mommy.” Kids can be misfits (Milhouse), or they can be brownnosers (Martin), or they can be troublemakers (Nelson), or they can be tattle-tales (Sherri and Terri), but being Ralph is simply not a taxonomically viable option.

Ralph is not a rule-follower like Lisa, nor a rule-breaker like Bart; Ralph does not observe the rules because he is almost completely unaware of them. More than any of the other students at Springfield Elementary, Ralph is a child. Bart and Lisa and Milhouse and Nelson and Janey are kids, and therein lies the difference. Ralph sees things that aren’t there (“Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?” “He was going to the bathroom!”), eats paste, picks his nose, volunteers unprompted, nonsensical declarations (“My cat’s breath smells like cat food”) disguised as Zen koans. His character is sometimes written as dim-but-profound, sometimes borderline-psychotic, and occasionally developmentally disabled, but more than anything else, Ralph like what he is: a child who hasn’t yet aged into a kid, which is one of the most embarrassing things a child can be.

In Season Three’s “Lisa’s Pony,” Ralph makes one of his earliest speaking appearances, although his voice sounds entirely different and his character is nothing like what we will see in future episodes. Lisa gallops past a clutch of second-graders on Princess, and Ralph exclaims in upper-crust tones: “Yes, but what man can tame her?”

Later, in “Lisa the Beauty Queen,” Ralph plays half of a Pat-and-Mike routine that gets off one of the best lines in Simpsons history after watching Lisa totter by in her lightning-blackened Little Miss Springfield ensemble:

Blonde Boy: Love that chewing-gum walk!

Proto-Ralph: Ver-ry Wrigley!

It’s still nothing near the canonical Ralph who will go on to bend his Wookie and get too many nosebleeds, but it’s a scene I could watch on repeat for hours. Part of me wishes there was still a place in Springfield Elementary for two tiny, patter-talking Casanovas.

By Ralph’s first turn in the spotlight in “I Love Lisa,” his characterization is set: he’s not allowed to use scissors, not even the safety variety. Ms. Hoover — hardly a defender of the defenseless to begin with — tells him that “the other children are right to laugh.” And they do.

The other students start distributing Valentines to one another, and Ralph slowly realizes that no one — no one — is going to give him one. It’s one of the relatively few moments on the show where Ralph seems aware of how other people see him, that he’s friendless and weird and utterly unacceptable, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

Lisa can’t stand watching Ralph cry any more than we can, and she tosses him a hastily-signed card that reads “I Choo-Choo-Choose You,” and Ralph is utterly delighted. It’s a particularly lovely moment, not just because Lisa saves him from humiliation, but because it’s one of the rare moments when Ralph is in on the joke. How often does Ms. Hoover take the time to make sure Ralph understands what he’s reading? He spends all day in school, and Lisa’s the first person to ever take a second to teach him. The train goes choo-choo, and she choo-choo-chooses him.

He gets the joke, and for once the punchline isn’t him.

One of the most endearing parts of Ralph’s backstory is how supportive and warm his home life is. Anyone who fits in that badly at school deserves a loving set of parents. They don’t always get it.

His father, Chief Wiggum, is usually depicted as Ralph with a nightstick and a gun (which is part of what makes Chief Wiggum ridiculous while Ralph remains lovable; Ralph has no actual power to abuse), and regularly takes his son out on patrol with him. He’s happy to tolerate Ralph’s quirks (Wiggle Puppy — the character Ralph inhabits when he drops to all fours, runs around in a circle, and barks — comes foremost to mind) and quick to dispense fatherly advice when Ralph comes to him with girl problems. “A woman’s a lot like a nut, son,” Chief Wiggum says, before pulling out his gun and shooting a walnut open in frustration.

But Ralph is more than Chief Wiggum minus power. Ralph’s goodness is not the absence of malice. Ralph’s goodness is pure and unself-conscious. “Was President Lincoln okay?” he asks Ms. Hoover worriedly after learning of the Ford Theater assassination. It’s the last day of school, and everyone else has already left for the summer. Ralph’s not leaving until he makes sure that President Lincoln is doing all right.

Ms. Hoover does the only thing. “He was fine.”

Ralph can go home after that. No one will suffer alone as long as Ralph is around.

Unfortunately for Lisa, Ralph does not know how to love by halves. It would be easy to mistake Ralph for an early version of the Dogged Nice Guy, who can’t take no for an answer, but that’s not the case at all here. Lisa’s too nice to tell him that while she feels sorry for him, she doesn’t actually want to be around him; she’s kind enough not to let him get hurt, but not so kind she’ll be friends with someone who calls Superintendent Chalmers “Super Nintendo Chalmers.”

He thinks she’s his girlfriend, but she’s not even really his friend. He doesn’t know any better. Ralph never does.

Lisa finally snaps when Ralph announces they’re boyfriend and girlfriend at the Krusty special — “I don’t like you, I never liked you,” she says.

“You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half,” Bart says later, watching the rejection on tape, then gleefully rewinding it.

I love that Lisa has a little bow in her hair and a larger strand of pearls, and that Ralph is wearing a coat and tie. That’s exactly how two little kids dressed up by their parents for a formal event would look; it makes his heartbreak look all the more adult.

One of the funniest, most poignant moments in the episode come when Ralph delivers a bravura performance as George Washington in the school play (“But couldn’t we just give in to the British?” “NEVER!“) and Patty, overwhelmed, sinks into her seat and mutters, “Now there’s a real man.” Ralph is full of hidden surprises.

What I love most about the ending to “I Love Lisa” is that it puts Lisa and Ralph back on equal footing. He’s revealed a surprising depth of character — she’s made her feelings explicit with a new Valentine’s Day card (“Let’s BEE friends!”) — and they swing under the watchful gaze of Chief Wiggum, who turns off the radio after reports of a robbery in progress. He’s not the Chief of Police tonight. He’s just a dad.

This moment in “Lisa’s Rival” is the quintessence of Ralph; his life is equal parts charmed and cursed. He’s won the diorama fair that both Lisa and Allison have half-killed themselves for by bringing in a box of Star Wars figurines in their original wrappings…which he trips and falls over before uttering the now-famous line, “I bent my Wookie.”

When Lisa and Allison invite Ralph to come over and play anagrams with them, they find a way to challenge without hurting each other. It’s clear that the field is not level — has never been level — and the object becomes no longer to win but simply to play.

Lisa: Hey Ralph, want to come with me and Alison to play “Anagrams”?

Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.

Ralph: My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

Ralph’s answer isn’t right, but he’s telling the truth.

Let us pause in a moment of silence for Milhouse, whose hopeless affection for Lisa will never be returned; even in her worst fears for the future, the worst thing she can imagine (“Lisa the Simpson,” Season 9) is being married to Ralph. Being married to Milhouse is not even an option in her worst nightmares.

Ralph is so memorable in part because he is the most real of all the Simpsons characters; as outlandish as his behavior can sometimes seem, he’s as real as a cartoon boy gets. He’s covered in chocolate. His toys are sticky. He gets stuck in Chinese Finger traps, and his mom has to arrange playdates for him.

Look at what happens to the two students who “obviously had no help from their parents” during the school pageant in “$pringfield”:

Even Lisa, one of the smartest kids in school, can’t do better than Homer’s thrown-together foam-rubber number. And Ralph? He’s Idaho. Everyone can tell he’s Idaho.

“I’m Idaho!” Ralph announces.

“Yes, of course you are,” Principal Skinner says, and he’s right.

In “Lisa The Greek,” Ralph gives a report about “the happiest day of his life” to the rest of Miss Hoover’s class. It was the day the doctor told him “[he] didn’t have worms anymore.” The children laugh at him, and maybe, as usual, they’re right to — it’s a bit too personal, a little ridiculous, a little childish, especially compared to Lisa’s subsequent ode to professional sports — but if you were just eight years old, and you had worms, and the doctor got rid of them for you, well, that might be the happiest day of your life, too.

Ralph knows how to be happy. You don’t have to be happy for him. He’ll be happy enough for himself.

In a lot of ways I was a much brighter Ralph. I was still a child at a point where most of my peers had crossed over into kid and pre-teen level – still embarrasingly enthusiastic about the things I loved, still fantasising and playing rather than hanging out.

Unlike Ralph, however, it got kicked out of me eventually, because I was always bright enough to know the joke was on me.

Aletheia Thorne

"I was still a child at a point where most of my peers had crossed over into kid and pre-teen level."
I just want to thank you (and Mallory) for finally giving me the words to describe what sixth grade was like for me.

kilks401

" This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.

That's where I saw the leprechaun.

He told me to burn things"

I love that edge to Ralph, when he says things like that I just die.

Guest

^ This. Absolutely this. Ralph is my favorite Simpsons character and is third all-time best character only to Cartman and Butters from South Park.

mandarinmarie

I think of "Super Nintendo Chalmers" every time I see the word superintendent, which happens more than you'd think.

seasleepy

In high school, there was some district-wide good grades award which was always always known to everyone as Super Nintendo Scholars.

ehmgeebee

I walk past a side street called Chalmers a few times a week and think the same thing, every time.

Nicole

I genuinely laugh every time I see "Super Nintendo Chalmers."

moxycrimefighter

I'm LEARNDING.

bookwormV

My boyfriend did not grow up watching The Simpsons, but has started to say, "I'm learnding!" in imitation of me. It's great.

mizchalmers

Everyone is always welcome to call me Super Nintendo.

Nick Douglas

Damn. I never realized how much all Ralph's "crazy" behavior is completely normal for a little boy. It makes it clearer why "King of the Hill" clicks so well: Bobby Hill is an older Ralph in a world where everyone's a little more something—not more Ralphy, but their character's equivalent of being Ralphy.

SSVerity

I think this is the right time to disclose to the Toastdom that I used Simpsons characters as pseudonyms in my dissertation. Mostly minor characters, the closest I got to a main character was Mr. Burns. Only one of my committee members noticed (and she was delighted by it).

theharpoon

there should be a secret internet place where everyone who has written a dissertation reveals the secret jokes they hid in it. I mean, how else are you supposed to know which of your committee members actually reads it?

In a similar vein, this tumblr has people submit 1 sentence, flippant summaries of their thesises (thesi?).

Personal favorites include:

"Borrowing Victorian porn periodicals, children’s stories, and books on equine bestiality from the library will probably get you on a government watchlist. (Taming Ginger: Unruly Femininity in Anna Sewell’s Black Beauty)"

"If you heat pieces of plastic bottle well enough, they melt. (BSc, Physics)"

I can't wait for the next Simpsons post, where we find out what five minus three is!!

cosmia

Two plus two is four! Two plus two is four! Two plus two is four!

Samk12345

My two go-to Ralph quotes are "but what man can tame her?" and "they taste like…BURNING!"

meetapossum

GO BANANA!

cosmia

"Prinskipple Skimpster, I found something! It's a spearhead!"
"It's your trowel, Ralph, it fell off the handle."
"And I found it!"

Always so optimistic!

Also, I would like to mention that my best friend and I were Ralph and Lisa as the Idaho/Florida costumes for Halloween last year! I was Ralph, decided on a coin flip. No one knew who I was, except for my old boss I ran into at the party we attended. Everyone thought she was an orange juice box.

Welp, I know what I'm going to make my husband cosplay as with me for Geek Girl Con.

Nick Pavich

I am in love. I'm in a committed relationship, but I am overwhelmed right now, internet stranger.

PinkSpider

"I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant."
Once my English professor quoted this as an example of childlike repetition in speech, but he attributed it to Milhouse! After class, I corrected him as gently as possible, and it was worth the strange glances for the rest of the semester.

I quoted that to a guy once, he didn't get the reference and my heart just sagged a little bit.

Amphora

I have a 23-year-old coworker who has never seen an episode of the Simpsons and it perfectly illustrates why I have so much trouble relating to her.

bookwormV

My boyfriend (also 23) didn't watch The Simpsons growing up (his parents disapproved of it, as did quite a few people's parents when I was growing up, bizarrely), and while I love him very much, it is still something that makes me sad.

MJH

I feel like a huge part of the reason my husband and I together is because he gets and laughs at my constant Simpsons references. We played trivia on our first date and our team name was "A bunch of Rory Calhouns." (You know, because we're always standing and walking.)

bococorwin

Reminds me of Martin:

EK: Then put your head down and sit QUIETLY!

MP: Ah! A duet of pleasures!

clarencerosario

To me, the most RALPH Ralph moment is when he accidentally wanders into the adult section of the video store and proclaims: "Everybody's hugging!"

logicbutton

Awhile back I experienced some kind of terrible fever dream in which I hallucinated that I was watching an episode of The Simpsons in a parallel universe in which the show lasted for more than nine seasons, and the only moment that didn't completely disgust me was at the very end, when the secret British reality show about Springfield was canceled:

Do you guys remember when there was this weird little Ralph Wiggum mini-renaissance in the mid-2000s (sort of at the peak of "lol so random!" humor) and there was a lot of Ralph merchandise floating around your Hot Topic et al. among the David & Goliath/Paul Frank/'Vote for Pedro" stuff? And it always bugged me in this undefinable, "Wait/They don't love you like I love you" way which I could never really articulate at the time?

This essay basically explains why. Ralph isn't just an random little catchphrase-spouter. He's a very real, weird, sweet little boy. The oddness of Ralph permeates his entire being and making him this poster child of the "random" movement of commodified oddness (i.e. the kind of person wearing a black t-shirt with white text saying, "The Voices in My Head Don't Like You Either") seems to miss the entire point, which is that Ralph never gets to turn off being Ralph. Does he want to? "I Love Lisa" might suggest that he might. Other episodes say "no." Other episodes say that he probably wouldn't even understand the question.

These people want to protect and love and purchase him, but they secretly also know that if he were in their second grade class, they probably wouldn't have given him a valentine either. Loving Ralph Wiggum gives them the chance to be affectionate and kind towards all the paste-eaters in their own life, while retaining distance from their stickiness and utter dippiness. They'd put him on a t-shirt, but they wouldn't sit with him at lunch.

And it's weird, because he's a character on a cartoon so he IS a product to be sold, and he's a funny side character so OF COURSE his existence is rooted in funny one-liners. But the genius of Ralph and the entire Simpsons seasons 2-9.5 is that it makes you question that shit. You laugh at the Ralph bobblehead being sold in Spencer's Gifts, but you feel a little guilty for laughing, because you know he's at heart a sensitive little nugget who–on the rare occasions he knows he's being laughed at–feels down about it. But you also know that Ralph would be pretty tickled to be a bobblehead!

And it's crazy to get territorial over a fictional character on a massively popular show. But that's Ralph! He makes you feel that way! You want to shield him from ever learning that Wiggle Puppy won't always protect you.

Basically, once again Mallory knocks it out of the fucking park.

PinkSpider

This is one of the best things I have ever read. "Commodified oddness" is perfect.

cosmia

"And now you can go back to being you instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch phrase!"

Michael K.

Bravo to the article and to this reply. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the understanding of the Ralph Wiggum character. In a lot ways back then, and in some ways now, part of me is Ralph Wiggum. Sometimes it'd be nice be him all the time.

Unreadaethel

Perhaps, deep down, we are all Ralph Wiggum, and horrible t-shirts give everybody a layer of plausible deniability to protect themselves while they still proclaim their Ralphiness.

beakbreath

I watched Simpsons reruns religiously after school until I was about 14; clearly I was a fool to stop. Which early season should I get on dvd to watch over and over again?

britta_unfiltered

Season 6! It has a bunch of great Lisa/Bart episodes.

saraeanderson

Four!

Kelley Gardiner

I sleep in a drawer.

guest

Nerd Alert here: That actually wasn't Ralph, though it was clearly the same voice-actor. It was Kerney's kid who was on the bus with him (after he tried to console Milhouse about his parent's divorce).

David

Not actually Ralph – it's Kearney's kid who just has the same voice.

guest

Literal or metaphorical Viking?

thewhelk

I will end you Greg.

fretful porpentine

HAH!

(I’m so very pleased to have gotten the joke.)

alicia

The best thing is that Ralph would not understand this distinction.

christoncracker

A few years ago HR was bringing around the new interns at my work for a tour. One of the interns introduced herself, and in that moment I merged with Ralph, and my voice went super Ralph-esque, and I loudly announced, "THAT'S MY CAT'S NAME!!!" And then I had nothing else to say, so she just sort of backed out of my office and never talked to me again.

OMG, you too? I always start with a loud cackle, but then it almost immediately turns into the inability to make sound exit my body.

MaxMarvel

Remember when the Sue Storm-equivalent in Venture Bros is describing the space accident to Dr. Venture and he just blurts out "I REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED!" in a delighted tone because he sees everything through the lens of how it affects him? The cartoon character merge is real. I suffer as well.

Ben

When Bart sells his soul, the only one who can see him the way he sees himself, and so becomes terrified, is Ralph.

Half-lost in his own absurd world, not being right, still getting some truth most people miss. Same as everyone.

Keith

Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.

katjaellen

Well dammit, I cry at so much – but I'm not supposed to cry about essays on the Toast about minor Simpsons characters! Well played, Ortberg.

You have Lyme disease! We miss you. Kevin's biting me. Come back soon. Here's a drawing of a spirochete.

Love,
Ralph"

Random123455

well done on this artilce!

steampunk sparrow

"Your breath smells like dead bunnies!" as he's being carried off by a wolf will be my forever-favorite Ralph quote.

Simpsosaur

Most poignant for me is Chief Wiggum's elation at hearing the Ralph has made a friend at school.

Brad

"My daddy's gun tastes like pennies!"

Kylosaurus

this is entirely delightful. a pleasure to read and fully engaging with vivid fond memories of a brilliant character brought to centre stage.

Scott

Unfortunately, this makes me tear up more than the countless Robin Williams clips out there (and I really liked Robin Williams).
Great writing, keep it up. You need a website of just this! I think video clip montages of the characters would be great as well.

Krusty the Clown: "And now for my favorite part of the show…What does that say? Talk to the audience! Ugh, this is always death."

This quote comes in handy anytime an on-air personality seems less tan thrilled with their assignment.

Katie

Awe, love this. Especially because next week my sweet 8 year old will start 3rd grade still very much a child in a classroom of kids. I am torn between wanting him to grow up, act *normal* for once so they won't laugh at you, and wanting to preserve his perfect childness in all it's innocent, inappropriate, joyful, hilarious and infuriating glory.

gyffes

My boy (age 12) has been pestering me to watch SPEED — movie I'd ordered off Netflix. It sat for a week on the counter as we never really had the right time to watch. Finally, the day arrived that we had movie time slotted… and he asks, "is it ok if we watch 'Finding Nemo' tonight, instead?"

Putting a slightly macabre spin on it – what happened to Ralph after the first few seasons to completely alter his personality? Possibly some sort of tragic accident that resulted in a brain injury?

Oh, now I've made myself sad. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME BRAIN?

Lee

Love this article. The Simpsons is definitely more memorable and funny with with side characters like Ralph. My favorite Ralphism is “go banana” , I used to say it out loud when I or someone else did something nonsensical (like Ralph) but after I got too many weird stares and had to explain I stopped

i r guy

Now this is a badass article!

Tim

"The doctor said my nose would stop bleeding if I just keep my finger out of it"

I swear that foes through my head every time I get a nosebleed.

dashpardy

Why do people run away from me? (wet spot in front of pants) I love Ralph Wiggum!

Tim

Damnit I wish I could like this without being a facebook whore. This was one of the most well thought out articles I've read in awhile. Kudos, keep writing like this and you can't be ignored.

You should do an entry on Herman. I've found him to be one of the more under-appreciated and under-utilized side characters but also one of the most interesting ones.

ianp

Possibly being over-sensitive but as a parent of a boy with special needs I don’t exactly share your perception of how Ralph is portrayed. In one episode Bart says, “He is a special boy, really a very special little boy”. I love The Simpsons but this smacks of cheap laughs by writers who should know better.