Having received reports of an obstruction on Grav-way 64, I attended immediately to discover what can only be described as a small blue shack sitting on the side of the road outside the Strevranopolix City Hospital.

I wasted no time in calling in for an aerial support unit to remove the item in question, which had caused a 25 kilometre tailback all the way to Blockzone 71, and which was attracting a sizable crowd of onlookers.

No sooner had I done so than I was approached by an eccentrically dressed vagrant, who attempted to gain entrance to the blue outhouse.

I intervened, and it soon became apparent that the gentleman in question was quite obviously drunk and apparently unable to speak coherently. When I attempted to question the stranger, he mumbled something about his assistant being terribly ill with the Screaming Purple Voluvian Tremors following an accident on the seventh moon of Sahga IX. I ascertained that this other individual, with the unlikely name of “Millicent” had been taken into the Hospital building, and that her colleague was endeavouring to return to the blue structure, being under the misapprehension that it was in fact some kind of space vessel.

I attempted to humour the stranger, who would only give his name as “The Doctor”, and on the basis that he had assured me that the blue box was actually capable of some form of travel, I immediately arranged to have it clamped.

This act sent the stranger into a panic, and he then attempted to bribe me to release his “vehicle” with a 100-Gnarg note, shouting something about needing his “TARDIS” to rescue a small colony of 7-metre high Wood Ants on the planet Sinestrus XXVII from an exploding star.

I proceeded to arrest “The Doctor”, and subsequently charged him with a number of traffic violations, breach of the peace, and assaulting a Police Officer.

The medics assure me that my nose will regain its original shape in a few months.

Making good use of the old childrens’ superstition about not stepping on the cracks in the pavement, the season 342 episode entitled “Tentacles of Terror” saw the 83rd Doctor and Millicent arrive in a strangely deserted 24th century London.

Deciding that it would be a good idea to do a little shoplifting for new clothes and some beer, our time-traveling heroes soon became embroiled in a fight for their very lives by slimy alien tentacled beings that lived underground.

These highly carnivorous aliens, known only as “The Chaggoth” came from the planet Chaglos IX where they survived by occasionally preying on the local dominant bipedal life-form. Unfortunately for them, a local group of environmentalists had recently outlawed all forms of walking, running, hopping, jogging, Moon-Walking or crawling and covered over all paved areas on the planet with turf in a misguided attempt to reverse rampant global warming.

Desperate for a new home planet, The Chaggoth had come to Earth, the spiritual home of pavement construction, where they found an environment that suited them, and where they were able to multiply.

Unfortunately for the inhabitants of London, The Chaggoth managed to wipe out two thirds of the walking population of the city before the Mayor decided it might be a good idea to evacuate and work out what the hell was going on.

The Doctor and Millicent were forced to improvise to defeat the Chaggoth, a task made all the more tricky on the basis that stepping on the cracks in the pavement meant almost certain death as tentacles would erupt from beneath the ground to allow local Chaggoths to absorb their victims.

This episode was a rare return to form for Doctor Who, featuring a largely intelligent plot (mid-episode musical interlude notwithstanding), some credible monsters and an eerily abandoned city as its backdrop.

Unfortunately the realism of the monsters saw the rates of child psychosis increase exponentially overnight, and soon the BBC was faced with litigation from all angles as thousands of parents filed law suits for the dry-cleaning of bedsheets, psychiatrists’ bills and a number of mental institution hospitalisations.

As for The Chaggoth, they were driven back to their homeworld by the Doctor’s ingenious use of pavement art that depicted what he would do to them if they didn’t leave. Alas, on their arrival back at Chaglos IX, they found that their natural food source had died out on the basis that it wasn’t allowed to walk to the shops any more.

(On the basis that Stephen Moffat seems determined to use every child-fear related cliche in the book for his (excellent) vision of Doctor Who, I thought I’d get in with this one first!)

We tried to deliver your order from My Tuxedo however there was no one available to sign for the order at the address below.

In order to ensure you receive the parcel as quickly as possible click the button below to re-arrange the delivery.”

My response, posted here for all to see because I am getting increasingly frustrated in dealing with morons:

“Hmmm.

Is there any particular reason your driver chose to ignore the VERY specific instructions I left on my door about leaving the parcel in the big green box labelled “PARCELS” that sits outside my house?

I made it spectacularly clear that I was expecting the item to be left outside, and that I had paid for a next-day delivery, and that the driver was under no circumstances to leave a card.

Thanks for nothing – you’ve just cost me the price of a next-day delivery through your intransigence and inability to follow my request. Added to that, the event for which I needed the item is taking place on Friday, which means I don’t actually need it now, if you can’t get it to me on time.

Are you going to reimburse me the costs of delivery or do I need to add Interlink Express to my blacklist of parcel companies who I refuse to do business with?

Even the Post Office do a better job than you, and that’s saying something as the Royal Mail is run by utter cretins – at least they have the decency to respect my wishes and actually deliver my items whether I am in or not – probably because they got fed up with my constant complaints.

I’ve copied this to your customer so they are aware of the fact that you would appear to prefer to drop pieces of card through letterboxes rather than actually deliver the items with which you have been entrusted. Some of us work for a living you know and can’t afford to be at home awaiting deliveries.”

I decided to take the family to the big new adventure park thingy about ten minutes walk from the Bunker.

We were having a nice time, in the sun, when Anthony walked past a little girl near the slide. She promptly burst into tears, accusing my son of “hitting” her.

Anthony denied this, and Mrs S who was watching the whole time supports his claim that nothing happened.

Five minutes pass, and Anthony and little girl are having fun on the slide, when little girl’s mum asks Mrs S if Anthony is going to ever apologise?

Mrs S insisted that Anthony had done nothing wrong as she had seen nothing, but the other mother clearly decided it would be great fun to twist her words and imply that this merely meant she hadn’t seen the incident itself. Obviously this was refuted, but no matter what Mrs S said, her words were turned against her – unfairly. Then the other father decided to wade in. Now, I could quite easily have joined the fray, but given my propensity for seeing red at the slightest provocation, and not particularly wanting to be arrested for smashing his smarmy face into pulp, I stayed out of it. This didn’t go down well with Mrs S, but I held my ground.

When it became clear that she could say nothing right, we decided it was easier to just leave. However it really gets my back up when people insist their children can do nothing wrong. Now I KNOW that Anthony can be a little shit, but he doesn’t tend to lie about these matters, and he was being watched at all times, therefore we know he is in the right on this occasion. When we encounter stupid mollycoddling parents with too many cotton-wool-encased children who can’t seem to handle mere existence without causing a fuss, it’s obviously time for a cull. Not to mention that if Anthony had hit anyone, they would know it.

So we left.

As we were walking out of the park a bloody CAR drove past us on the footpath. The driver had his window down, so I took the opportunity to remind him that this was a FOOTpath and a no-vehicle zone. He replied that he had access to the allotments and had a key for the gate. I pointed out that there was another exit TWENTY FEET from said allotments – therefore why the HELL was he driving all the way across the park? He mouthed something at me and said that he gets this sort of hassle every time. I shouted back “Oh, I wonder why THAT is?!” since it was clearly a stupid thing to say, and equivalent to me complaining that every time I murder someone I end up in prison…hmmmm…I wonder why that should be?

Anyway. I type this in a thoroughly bad mood since it is abundantly clear that the British people are clearly incapable of coping with nice weather.

My family and I attended the Doctor Who Experience in Olympia today and WOW. It was really cool. I’ll be honest, stood “aboard” the 11th Dovtor’s TARDIS, I got a bit carried away, as I closed my eyes and I could have sworn that I was really there…travelling to another time and place.

You know, I actually played with some LEGO today, for the first time in 2 months. My daughter is heavily into Star Wars, my fault, of course, and we spent some time rebuilding my LEGO Sandcrawler (it suffered an accident about a year ago).

On the topic of games however, I have been playing with my new Nintendo 3DS – and over at Console Curious are my thoughts after a week with it…

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