The Last Airbender: Killing kittens and making babies cry.

I never, ever, in a million years, would have though I would utter the words “I should’ve seen Twilight instead”.

I should’ve seen Twilight instead.

We were lining up for “Eclipse” when I changed my mind. I’ve sworn, sworn not to see the live-action remake of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” after hearing that it cast, for no apparent reason, white actors for implicitly Asian roles. But then again, I am also a forever-scarred veteran of two Twilight films. And that’s two Twilight films too many.

And so, in my eternal folly, I decided to hand M Night Shymalan the benefit of the doubt.

Now I’ve always been a staunch defender of M Night. I appreciated the multiple layers he laid on “The Village” and “Signs”. Unlike everybody else, I didn’t fall asleep to “Unbreakable” and was among those that insisted that “Lady in the water” was being misread as a horror flick and should instead be interpreted as a fantasy film (and I tend to use the term ‘film’ very loosely).

Should've done it to the movie instead.

Ok so “The Happening” should’ve done us all a huge favor and got under the mower instead but hey, here’s an Asian director, making his way through whitewashed Hollywood with strange Jiujitsu-style endings so you know what?What’s one stinker among friends?

M Night, we are no longer friends.

I could’ve forgiven the let’s-put-white-actors-in-because-Asians-playing-Asian-roles-are-a-vote-against-diversity idea, (what?) if the said white actors could ACT.

Come on, man, if you’re gonna do this dissing thing, at least leave a little of our dignity and find some GOOD white actors to play us. Or at least have the decency to send them to friggin’ ACTING CLASSES. You want to give the role to the “best actors” instead of the most racially-compatible ones? I can respect that. Hey, maybe it’s a coincidence that the three “best actors” you can find just all happened to be white, hey that’s cool too. But your kids (and I’m not counting Dev Patel, who’s great) got nothin’ going on. Nada. Zilch. Wala. I don’t know where you got them, but all of them put together ain’t no Haley Joel Osment. Which makes me wonder why you insisted on putting them there in the first place. Why, M Night, WHY?

And I’m not about to blame it entirely on them. I’m laying this mostly on you, bro. Your script didn’t give them much to work with. The snotty kid who sat beside me in second grade can come up with a better script than that tripe you threw at us. Wait, you know what? It wasn’t tripe. Tripe is nice. If you threw tripe at me I’ll eat it. I won’t eat your script. It just ain’t worth it. STOP. WRITING. Don’t ever write a movie again. Ever. Please.

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Now this one’s for you, movie fan. If you haven’t seen it, and you do have that extra ten bucks to see a movie, heed my words: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Go see something else. Are there any slasher flicks available? Are they re-running Aliens vs. Predator? Watch that.

Officially better than Shaymalan's "Airbender". Which is so impossible, but also true.

While you’re at it, DO NOT WAIT FOR IT ON DVD. Or Netflix. Or Piratebay. Or anywhere. The bytes in your hard drive are too valuable. So is your time. If you ever feel the urge, the small itch of curiosity to maybe watch the first five minutes and give it a chance DON’T. Do the laundry. Or the dishes. Spend more time with your kids. This movie can give you friggin’ cancer.

And sure you can dismiss this as “Hey it’s just another Asian dude ragging on Airbender”. But let me tell you this: remember this post as you walk sideways down that sticky aisle, your ego completely deflated and dangling only by the thinnest of threads. Remember this post as you drag your ravaged soul down those dark stairs while the credits play and you’re wondering what went wrong in your life.

Remember this post and understand that I warned you about “The Last Airbender” not because I wish Shaymalan ill, but because I love you. I love you, man. And I’m not angry, just really, really disappointed.