4/29/08

Dad's Night Out

Hossmom came to me last week and informed me that she had to go on a “business” trip for 4 days. As such, she needed me to stay with the kids again, alone.

My first reaction: Bullshit.

No fucking way. I just did a 30 day stint of doing this by myself, has my parole been revoked? It has only been about 6 weeks since that ended and I was not looking forward to doing it some more.

Look, I know that I am a stay at home dad. I know that the kids and the house are my primary job responsibilities. I get up at 6 am with the kids and quitting time is 12 hours later. At 6 pm, I’m done. Then I become just regular dad again. I have no idea how single parents do it.

That 30 days was lonely, depressing and overwhelming. During that 30 days not only did I take care of the kids but I sold our house as well.

Nothing says that you are negotiating from a power position like having two kids on your lap while you discuss the final sales price of your home. There were a lot of “bullcrap”s and “darn it”s said where usually I would be cussing like a sailor. Every time someone wanted to see the house or the inspector needed 5 hours of uninterrupted time, it was me with two kids and two dogs, in the car. Not fun. I would often be talking to my real estate agent as my son vomited on my crotch.

So yes, my initial reaction was no fucking way. I’m not even recovered yet. I moved us for Christ’s sake. I drove 8 hours with Farty McFart-Fart, the amazing farting dog.

I asked for more details. Hossmom informed me that this was a team building exercise for her company. She assured me that she would be having absolutely no fun and working the entire time. She then mentioned that it was at a resort and there was going to be an open bar.

Again, I claim bullshit rights.

But she maintained that it was work related and that she had to go. As I am dependent on her for my salary I didn’t have much choice and this is one of the reasons that we wanted a stay at home parent.

But still……………

Hossmom continued to convince me that although there was an open bar it won’t be much fun.

Sure, right. And I only “watch” porn. No problem, I completely understand what you are saying. I too enjoy the well scripted plot lines and superb acting of “Girl with the Sex Ray Eyes”. I can’t believe it didn’t win an Oscar.

But what choice did I have?

The first day that she was gone was the day that we actually finished the negotiations for the new house. We had to have a cashier’s check in the hand of the title company by 10am that morning. We haven’t changed our bank yet so it was up to me to go find a bank willing to do this for me quickly while not having an account with them.

The third bank was pretty cool and helped me out. That’s good because Little Hoss decided to trash the first two banks by knocking over every billboard they had and I had no idea what kind of hell she was about to unleash here. You think that I would feel bad about this, but I didn’t. I was whipped and didn’t much give a rat’s ass.

Let me point this out: I just sold a house by myself now I was buying one by myself. With two kids and two dogs in tow. Bullshit I say, bullshit.

Hossmom called from her hotel right after we finished the banks. I admit, I tore into her a little bit. She kept trying to reassure me that she knew that it was tough. I let her know that tough doesn’t even come close to fucking describing it. I believe I threatened to give both of our kids some road money and told her to be on the look out in the next couple of days for her children. Sure, I was upset.

But at the end an idea came to me. I was going on strike. Well, not totally, but for one day. I let her know that she needed to be home by Friday by 5:00pm because at that time, I wasn’t going to be. I was taking a man night. I should have taken a man weekend but being the great dad I am, we had family outings planned for the weekend and there is just something about a little girl not riding on the shoulders of her dad through the zoo that I find very sad.

But that night, I’m out.

Hossmom made it home by Friday and preceded to tell me how tough it was at the resort, with the open bar, late night bull sessions and meals cooked where someone else cleans up for you. After hearing that, my plans for Dad’s night out was pretty much decided.

I admit it, I just needed a break. Hossmom did what she had to do to get ahead at work and do a good job. I know that she didn’t have a choice so I don’t blame her. It’s just life and you got to take it. But then you blog about it and that makes it ok.

Where is the one place that I could go that would just scream manhood. Where are children not allowed? Where can I go to get into some trouble that perhaps my wife wouldn’t approve of? I don’t know why that last part, it’s not Hossmom’s fault, but doing something that she didn’t approve of seemed very manly to me.

I know, a strip club immediately comes to mind. Don’t think I didn’t think about it, I did. But sadly, I can’t do it. Hossmom doesn’t actually disapprove of strip clubs all that much and now that I have a daughter, well, it’s just not the same when coked-up hottie calls me Daddy.

But there was somewhere else. Somewhere almost as good. Somewhere that I haven’t been to in a long time that Hossmom would not really like.

The Casino.

That’s right baby, my new town has several Casino’s. They are “riverboat” casinos although 20 bucks says that my left nutsack floats more than these things do. I can’t believe that the stream that I saw next to them is classified as a river. Back in Texas we’d call that a crick.

So off I went, to gamble and mindlessly throw away money. Maybe I’ll unbutton the top two buttons of my shirt, let the chest hair breath a little while I throw some dice? How about that!

I got there and it is a pretty nice Casino. But something was missing and the more I thought about it, the worse it got. My family wasn’t with me. How fucked up is that? I take a night off from the family and the first thing I miss is my family.

I admit it, my head wasn’t into it. I shuffled 80 bucks into slots and thought about what my family was doing. What’s more jacked up is that I HATE slot machines, I never play them. Part of the fun of going to a casino is making fun of the people there. From the blue haired chain smoker to the fact that as soon as I walk in the word “mark” must flash right on my forehead.

I had always gone with Hossmom and then it is when it was fun. Now it was no better than me playing a computer game.

The whole night I called Hossmom to tell her what I was seeing. It was basically a virtual date. She updated me on the kids and I was sad that I didn’t get to talk to my daughter and son before they went to bed.

After about 2 hours, I called it quits. I lost most of my money but had enough to see a movie. So I went and saw Leatherheads and called Hossmom from the theater. I am one sad sack.

It did recharge my batteries a little. I realized how much I love my family and want them with me. I think that next time I’ll just hire a bartender to come to my house and put the baby gates up around the living room while I “watch” some more porn. That way I can see what they are doing while I have a little guy time.

The Inner Hoss

Let me explain it this way: I have a college degree and had a job. I quit it on purpose to teach my three minions how to be minions. After 8 years the kids have only broken 1/2 of what we've seen but the other half is on the list.