Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

At 2 years or more

I have been thinking as I approach the end of the 2nd year without my husband how different my life is now and the things that I am doing now to occupy my time and begin to live again. I am interested in hearing how others are doing and what they have done or are doing to keep moving forward. I know that some have actually found happiness again, I am very happy for all of you that have. I would hope this topic might offer some encouragement for those who are new to this site and for those of us who have been here for awhile that still struggle with the loneliness, emptiness and are tired and want to be happy again whether it be finding someone new to share our lives with or learning to be independant and being happy with ourselves and just getting out and doing new things.

Hope to hear from everyone.

Hugs and love to all of you and thank you to everyone that has been here for me over the past year and a half.

Denise, I'm past the two year mark also, and feel I'm doing pretty well. I read a lot, which I've always loved to do, but Don felt neglected when I got into a book, so I enjoy the freedom now. I'm also a lot more spontaneous than when I had to worry about someone waiting for me at home. I also feel I've gotten an identity of myown now without connneted to my children or husband. Not sure I like having that identity of my own though, I was very happy being Don's wife. Guess that's my age showing.
I have a sense of peace in my life, which doesn't mean I don't miss Don. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him. It's just the raw pain has been replaced with acceptance.
I think the major thing that I do to 'move on' (I still hate that phrase) is I think nothing of jumping in the shower and taking off in the car wheather it's to the Mall, a store, or a friends. I can do this first thing in the morning to late afternooon or evening. I like to be home early evening (like 8-9PM) to take out my dogs and be settled for the night. Other than that it's DS to check on the people I care about and see who's new and in pain. Probably sounds like a pretty borring life, doesn't it? Of course, in between I chase the dust bunnies or in my case the dog hair around the house. What a life! It's not as bad as it sounds writing it.
Oh yea, I take a cruise or two every year, visit Rockport, Mass with my daughter every summer, and go on 2 spiritual retreats (one in Oct. and one in April) . Almost forgot that and I leave tomarrow for one of them. Sharon

It's 2 years 7 months for me and things certainly have changed over the last few months. Outwardly my life is pretty much the same but emotionally I'm much more stable now - well as much as I ever was! That raw pain of grief has gone now and I am getting more and more used to the new life I now have and actually getting used to living alone and on the whole I'm okay with that. I do get lonely at times but I have learned to keeep things in perspective these days. I don't really get stressed by things that don't really matter any more. I try to appreciate what I do have that's good in life and take pleasure in the little things - reading a book, watching a movie, going over to see my kids ,a nice sunny day etc. I thought for a long time that the only way I could be happy again was to have my old life back again but of course that's never going to happen. I can now look back with the obvious sadness but also much happinees at the 30 years we had together. I've learned life can be both sweet and sad at the same time - it's not either, or. I've started taking trips to new places. Twice this year I've travelled acroos the Pond to visit first Vancouver and then San Franciscio and although I'm still getting used to travelling alone I have really enjoyed planning the trips and seeing new places and meeting new people. I realize I have much to be grateul for and much to enjoy and that ultimately it's my choice what I make of the rest of my life. Not always easy but in the end I'm much more optimistic and positive these days. Not sure if I'm moving on but I'm certainly learning to carry on. And of course, there's always DS for support and friendship!

Denise - a good thread! I'm behind the rest of you, and I know I have quite a ways to go (like the rest of my life!!) But I see what I've done - redone my house to be my personal comfort zone, run my business, eat what and when I want to, go out when I want to. Little things, but the baby steps have really built up into something quite different. Yes, I still struggle with the sadness and just plain missing Joe, every day. There's many a time when I feel stuck and just don't know what to do next. But I know I'm kind of forging forward, though I don't feel like it's happening at the time. Finding happiness again? I'm aiming for contentment, within myself, and thank the Lord, I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel - something I never thought I would see. Or maybe I'm just plain stubborn, I don't know! Hugs and love back to you, Marsha

Great thread. Like Marsha I am behind you all at 15 mos. I am at a point where the good days out number the bad and there is more light than darkness. I love to read so always have at least one book going. I have always been independent but am learning to live alone. I find that I kinda like it. I feel like I am making friends with my loneliness. I can go an entire weekend without seeing anyone outside of church. Maybe it comes from being on the road all week. Weekends seem to be my time to recharge and regroup.

I am slowly making our home my home. I love digging in the dirt. Living in the upper midwest makes that difficult these days dark cold days. I enjoy painting and would love to get back into it. I owe the lastest grandbaby a mural. Might even get back into quilting. Now if only I had more time....

Well where do I start. It has been 15 months for me. I can smile now and laugh at things which I could not do even a few months ago. I am much closer to the Lord and my faith in God is much stronger. I get joy from helping others and spending time with my grandchildren.
I feel like I have apurpose again.
I still miss my husband dearly and can cry at the drop of a hat but not with the over whelming pain that was so much a part of my days after my husband passed. All of this said, I can only praise God for the strength that he has gave me to endure the pain.
I cling to Phil 4:13

Thank you for posting this. I have found it quite comforting. Since I am 10 days away from only 4 months without my husband, the road ahead seems so scary. I value the comments here, which help me to see a light at the end of this very dark and painful tunnel.

Two and a half years for me. I don't mope around anymore as much anyway:) I try to find something to make me smile everyday. It is also easier to remember the good times without regret and tears. It has been extremely hard for me to let loose of the past to begin to live for today but slowly I am doing it.

Denise, what a thoughtful thread to post and ask comments. I am only almost five months into my hard, rocky and steep road of grief. (I have to keep using analogy as words are not good at describing these feelings). It is heartening to learn that things do get better; that folks do yearn for company; that yes you do become your own person in time; that we all do pretty boring stuff to cope; and that life does become more bearable as our burden lightens. Thanks so much. John

John so happy that the comments here are helpful. For myself I have come such a long ways from that horrible night on Dec 22, 2007. The first 2 months I really didn't think I was going to be able to function again. If it were for my daughter and son and having to pull myself together for them I don't know where I'd be right now. My faith in God and the love of my family and friends some old ones and a lot of new ones has really helped me. I spent the first year in 2 separate grief support groups, read as many books on the subject as I could get my hands on so that I could have a better understanding of all the emotions that go along with it. I now have better days the early pain that was so devasting has eased considerably. I am able to laugh and smile more now. I am feeling better about myself now too. I am getting out with people and learning to get out on my own too. That one is tough. I went to dinner by myself last night it was ok. It was a restuarant that my husband and I always went to the kids and have been going quite a bit too. So they know me and make me feel comfortable. Like some of the others mentioned I am able to be more spontaneous. Our home is becoming my home now. I am learning to be me not us. I still miss him very much but I am making it.

Denise, I love the discussion you started. For me its been one year-8mths. I have struggled everyday. But for me I have lived with extreme guilt and no closure. I am now facing the loneliness and the empty nest. I don't have any close friends. The few friends we had were couples. We did everything together. Its so different now with them. I get sympathy calls. I am going to take some classes at a community college in January, I feel scared at what the future holds for me.I want to be able to accept my new life and be happy again. Sharon

The 2-year mark is coming very soon - in November. I am in a stage of reviewing the past 2 years, and in many ways it's similar to what it was like last year when I was at 11 months. So much has changed, that at times it seems impossible that either this is my life or that (before Cliff died) was my life ever. It's been a long process of adjust, adjust, adjust. Little changes everywhere, and preparations for more big changes.

I have more answers to the questions that plagued me early on, and have gained more questions yet to be answered. I have been able to do things I never thought I could, and at the same time have had to face the things that I simply cannot do and have had to ask for help. I think it was a friend of Marsha's that said, &quot;I'm not the same woman that married him and I'm not the same woman that buried him.&quot; That's an apt description.

I took my sons out for Chinese food recently, and we always look forward to fortune cookies to finish the meal. This is the fortune I got:

&quot;Every truly great accomplishment was at first impossible.&quot;

Somehow that seemed to fit where I am now as I didn't think it possible that I would survive losing Cliff. But I'm still here. My life is a work in progress, and sometimes that's 'progress slow but sure' but at least it's still progress. I lost a good man, and I'm now engaged to be married to a good man - someone who is a widower and who began as a friend here at DS. He is at 2+ years as a widower. I doubt I could have fallen in love again with someone who didn't understand what it was like to lose a spouse, as this journey is unlike any other and how could anyone really know me if they didn't know what it's been like?

It has been 4 years and 4 months for me. The first year was an exercise in finding out who I was without my husband. Each day brings new experiences of who you are becoming. Little by little, I became comfortable doing all the things I thought would be impossible: going to movies by myself, eating at a restaurant (especially our favorite) by myself, traveling to different vacation sites by myself. I found out that I was OK with my own company. It was wonderful when I had others to share these experiences with, but I in no way wanted to be a shrinking violet. I bought myself a GPS (I always said my husband was my GPS) so that I would be comfortable taking trips. I tried making short trips prior to that and realized I couldn't read a map while driving (successfully), and that it was impossible after sunset!! So, I did the next best thing. I also decided that my work around our home was not going to define who I was or who I would become, so I have joined a group of billiard players and there ya go. I'm not great at the game, but I'm going to keep trying. There are so many things out there for us, but it means being a bit vulnerable and sometimes feeling like the 5th wheel. That's OK, though, because that feeling passed as I became more comfortable with me as a single person. Hope you find those things which are rewarding and fulfilling to you as a person.

I am approaching 27 months. I feel that I got emotionally and mentally &quot;in the clear&quot; somewhere around the 16 month mark, though I saw tangible progress from about four or five months on.

Because I was my wife's sole care giver and working full time (although, from home) for many years, I lacked time for reflection and thought. I got plenty of that after she was gone, and I used it to allow my personal beliefs and values, which had been evolving, to &quot;gel&quot;. I was able to travel, visit relatives, pursue hobbies and interests, and generally explore the world in ways I hadn't been able to in my adult life to that point.

I was also able to experience life in a relaxed way, without constant worry and pressure. For various reasons, chronic stress had been part of my life for a long time ... living from crisis to crisis. It's been a revelation to experience life as a gentle flow.

Today, I'm open to all the possibilities of life but do not feel driven or pressured to change anything in particular. I have been able to be helpful to others who have been or are going through similar difficulties. I've been contemplating some major changes ... possibly downsizing my living arrangements, for instance. The theme of my life seems to be simplify, simplify, simplify.

I also am well aware of the impermanence of all things. I don't know how many good years I have left. I don't waste opportunities or take blessings for granted. Nor do I expect too much. Historically, I tended to care too hard and try too much in life ... I now have less grandiose ideas about how my life should play out and I am much more flexible and adaptable.

Recently someone suggested that perhaps my ship has finally come in. I corrected them. I said, &quot;I don't believe there's a ship -- not for me, not for anyone. To say there is a ship implies there's some sort of cargo I'm entitled to have delivered to me. I prefer to believe that I have more choices at the moment, and better wisdom to choose wisely among them. Life doesn't owe me anything, and it's indifferent to me ... but if I cooperate by letting it be what it wants to be, it at least leaves me mostly alone.&quot;

I just read what someone wrote on Soaring Spirits about not wanting another relationship because people thought we widows carried baggage. I personally don't think we can sterotype that. It too much implies that we have a disease that is contagious. Or that we have nothing good left to offer anyone. I'm not trying to open up a can of worms, but this did get me to thinking. What we...

Today is the 9 yr anniversary of my husband's passing and I shall spend it alone. Can grieve as I want to with nobody telling me to just stop it, you are so annoying today, well if you want to cry today that's your choice but wouldn't be mine, you bring this on yourself, get over it already, why do you put yourself through this every year, you are crazy to still be grieving, trust me my friends...

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