Random thoughts from a carpetbagger living in the Great Republic of Texas

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

How Not to Die from Sitting

I recently read this article about how sitting all day is really bad for you. It listed the usual reasons
like standing burns more calories, muscle metabolism changes, and you
are at increased risk for various cancers. To top it all off, each
hour of sitting results in a loss of 21.8 minutes from your life
expectancy. Seeing as how I've been sitting most of my life, I
probably have minutes to live.

After crunching some numbers, it's fair
to assume that I've lost over four years of my life expectancy. I
knew I had to put a stop to it. Not only that, I had to figure out
how to get those four years back before it was too late. So I
decided to alter my habits and keep a diary to hold myself
accountable:

Friday July 11

4:00 p.m. Let's get started!

4:01 p.m. Since I've already been
sitting here for the last six hours, we'll just wait and start the
diary tomorrow.

Saturday July 12

11:00 a.m. Stood in my office thinking
about my next blog post.

11:20 a.m. Sat down to write blog post
then realized since it takes about an hour to write one, I'm
sacrificing 22 minutes of my life for my dear readers. I hope you
appreciate it, all five of you.

11:25 a.m. Decide to take a walk to
offset my sitting problem. Walk to refrigerator and pour myself a
glass of wine. Maybe alcohol isn't the best choice for my new
lifestyle, but I believe it greatly improves my mental outlook so
that offsets any bad effects from sitting.

11:26 a.m. Try to stand and type my
blog. I do not have a standing desk. Ouch, there goes my back. I
take a sip of wine.

11:30 a.m. A brilliant idea! Some
exercise should get me some time back on the lifetime clock. I get
on a stationary bike and start pedaling. But now there's a new
problem: although I am exercising, I'm still sitting down, so the
two acts just cancel each other out. I've got it! I take my laptop
and get back on bike. Although I'm not gaining any time, I'm not
wasting 22 minutes of life writing this blog.

11:32 a.m. Sweat starts dripping onto
my laptop. I'm now worried about getting eletrocuted. I put laptop
back on my desk and get back on bike.

11:34 a.m. This is boring. I get my
glass of wine and sip wine while riding stationary bike.

11:57 a.m. Maybe that salad wasn't so
big as I'm still hungry. I fix a large plate of bacon (it's okay,
I'm on a low carb diet and can eat all the bacon I want).

12:15 p.m. I happen to glance in the
pantry to see a bag of Fritos. I grab a handful, but I eat them
while standing. Unfortunately, you can't have just
a handful of Fritos. I take the entire bag out. But I walk around
the block while eating the bag. I'm starting to get the hang of
this.

12:45
p.m. Feeling a little sleepy. Decide to take a nap. That article
said nothing bad about laying down or sleeping.

2:30
p.m. St. Pauli Girl hands me a grocery list. The store is too far
away to walk to but I really hate the thought of sitting while
driving to the store. While driving, I open the window and poke my
head outside the window. I believe that trying to keep my head still
against the speed of the car offsets the sitting in the seat. I stop
at a traffic light with my head still outside the window. A dog in
the car next to me pokes his head out and barks at me. I bark back.

2:55
p.m. A genius move! I have the checkout kid bag my groceries in
plastic so I can strap them all onto my arms. I load up all twelve
bags on my arm and with my free hand pick up the 12 pack of pop. The
cashier asks if I'm sure I don't need a carryout. "No," I
grimace. I get to the car and realize I have to drop all of the bags
to the ground to get the keys out of my pocket. I don't care; this
exercise has probably added a solid 90 seconds to my life expectancy.

3:30
p.m. Decide to watch some golf on tv but while standing of course.
To make it more interesting, I imitate all of the players' swings as
they happen. I've never played so well in my life.

5:35
p.m. Happy hour! St. Pauli Girl and I sit on the patio and discuss
the day's events over a glass of wine. I want to stand but my heels
are actually killing me. I come up with an idea:

"Let's
arm wrestle!" I challenge her.

"What?"

"Yeah,
we're killing ourselves by sitting here. So let's get some exercise.
I'll even go left handed!"

6:15
p.m. That was a great idea; I can easily man the grill while
standing. We have three grills, so I choose the manly Weber
charcoal grill. I light the fire and stand next to the grill as it
burns down.

6:45
p.m. I throw some hamburgers on the hot grill. I lean down and
inhale deeply that wonderful charcoal hamburger cooking aroma. Then
I slap myself on the head. I sit down next to St. Pauli Girl.

"I
don't know. I just can't win," I say.

"What's
the matter?"

"Charcoal
has carcinogens. That breath probably cost me four seconds of life
expectancy."

We sit
quietly for a minute before St. Pauli Girl refills our wine glasses.
She holds her glass out to me, "Here's to life."

6 comments:

If that mathematical equation is correct, I should be dead ALREADY. Just wait a bit. Some other "scientist(s)" will debunk the whole thing and declare some other unavoidable modern activity to be the REAL deathtrap.

Yeah when I first saw that, I figured my life expectancy must be negative. I'm sure if I looked up everything that negatively affected my life expectancy, I would be in negative numbers. But as long as there are studies that show wine can be good for you, I'm okay. Thanks for the comment!

About Me

I live in a small town in Texas. I am the real America. I wasn't born in the republic which means I'm not really Texan. I do have a pickup truck but since it's a Nissan, I'm still not considered Texan. I only drive it when no one is looking. I'm a man without a country and a man without a car. I'm an entrepreneur but not a good one as I recently had to close down the family restaurant. But that makes me an economic expert. I can seriously blame the restaurant's closing on Obama, Cheney, NAFTA, Cash for Clunkers, TARP and even Bernie Madoff who never spent millions in my restaurant. Not even a dime.