the fourth child born to my grandparents, Pat & Ron, she was by all means a surprise and quite miraculous.
At 44 years old, my grandmother gave birth to a healthy little girl.
The last girl of three children.

and although my grandparents were older and had not expected a fourth child, I know that as the unexpected baby she was loved greatly.

When I was small, I could not think of my own mother or my grandmother without thinking of the “Stainbrook Women”
We come from a long line of strong, loud and opinionated women.
You could not think of any one of them without the other, because they were so much like one another and still so different.

But still she was the baby, sometimes the “cool aunt” because she was so much younger than our parents, and the beauty.

Although she had a different kind of relationship with each one of these four women, I know that her relationship with my aunt Michele was at times the closest.

Closer in age, they spent more years growing up together than my mother and her older brother.
The photo of my aunt Mara on her graduation day always hit home in a significant way for me.
In the photo, my aunt Michele is holding my cousin as a baby.

When I look back at my own baby sister’s graduation day, my son is in our arms.
My little boy was born only a few short months before my little sister graduated high school.
It is this small connection, that helps me understand the strong relationship they had in their younger years.
Because my little sister is my best friend and definitely the “cool aunt” for my little man.
It is one more detail that connects me to this, in such a bittersweet way.

***

This, is my family.
Though we continue to change, move, grow and die….this will probably always be how I remember them most.
This will now be the last photo of all of us taken together
and this will be the last healthy photo I ever take of my aunt

On November 2nd, 2015
After a very brief yet strong battle with cancer
We had to say goodbye

these will be the last moments I will be able to capture of my grandparents and their children.
I’m sure everyone in our family continues to understand the feeling, “if we only would have known”

(she adored my little guy like he was another nephew)

So here I am, remembering all of these things about this woman who through my life was always present.

From my first experiences with makeup, to my first child and my wedding day….she was there.
Then, we were told she wouldn’t be.
My mind could not comprehend this information and I was terrified.
I stayed in denial until I couldn’t any longer and yet I was still terrified.
I didn’t want to admit I had taken for granted the idea that she would just always be there.

Then, in a strange twist of fate, my grandmother was injured and could no longer be at her baby’s bedside as she passed.
What follows are not “happy photos”, these are the photos I took for my grandmother in case she didn’t make it back to say goodbye to her child.
They are hard and raw, but they are real.
The reality of what comes at the end of whatever choices you make every day.

So these will be the last photos I ever take of my auntie.
I wish I had taken one more chance to say I’m sorry for expecting she’d always be here.

(my sweet brave little soul, who has seen far too much death and insisted on saying goodbye)

We love you Mara.
With your big blue eyes and huge heart.
No one will forget your brief and bright presence.
Your death will not be in vain
<3

(Post Script)

My aunt’s last days on earth were loved beyond measure.
Many of her long lifetime friends rallied around her roommate and my mother to allow her to die peacefully and with dignity.

I will share a few photos of these amazing people.
It is because of these wonderful people that this journey to the end was possible, it was loving and it was beautiful.

Before I start this post, I have to say…. I had been seriously considering getting rid of the blog portion of my website.
As many of you can see and may imagine, it’s hard for me to keep up all of the different avenues I stay connected.
Most of my clients keep up with me through Facebook and the blog gets neglected. But so many times there are stories that just won’t without a blog.

***
Some of my clients have been with me since the very beginning. 7 years ago, I was married to the man who fathered my child.
Most everyone knows that unfortunately, that marriage did not work out and we separated in early 2012.

Sadly, a month ago today, my world was rocked.
A man I had known for ten years, loved for many of them and shared lots of life’s experiences with passed away in his sleep.

I have to be honest, my heart aches to write this post.
My grief wave is strong today as it is for my little one too, as today would have been his 37th birthday. I remember celebrating his 27th birthday and that hits me hard.
We may not have always seen eye to eye or been the best of friends, but we had many years that we were and losing the person who will remember those times with me is so painful.
I haven’t spoken much about my own grief, not many people ask the ex-wife if she is doing alright or how she is feeling.
True, my pain is mostly for this beautiful child he left behind- but there is still a part of my heart that grieves for a man I knew for a decade.

The last photo I took of him and my little guy in August 2011.

Most of you have seen our grief project- the photos that we take weekly of our journey through this pain.
If you haven’t, take a second to check out the page (up top, Grief365)

So last night we prepared for our first really hard day that came too soon.

and my heart was breaking as I knew that this would be very, very hard.
Davin chose not to attend his father’s funeral and have a friend tape it instead, so he had not visited his grave yet.
He told me that today was the day he wanted to visit and bring him something for his birthday.

So we came.
And we said hello with another goodbye.
We brought balloons and said happy birthday.
We sat and talked to him.

“I miss playing with you- Davin. Happy birthday in heaven”

And mommy stood back and let him have his time.
While she cried.

Then we talked about happy times and remembered the things we miss about him.
And sent him birthday balloons in heaven.
(Mommy pulled it together)

(these may be the only grief photos I do in color, we shall see)

(we stopped to say hi to Aunt Karen too, who is buried right across the road <3 )

Happy birthday, Brian.
I still wish I had one more chance to say thank you for this amazing little boy I’m blessed by every day.

(ironically, I just found this photo a few days ago while changing hard drive systems- taken by Kaela Green Photography in 09/2011)

For you mom’s out there who are divorced…don’t let the petty stuff cloud your shared love for your children.
Don’t let the little things turn into nothing fights.
Don’t forget to tell the fathers of your children that you appreciate what they do. No matter how big or how small.

Because life, is all too fleeting.
I never wanted my six year old to learn that so young.