Why do I need a firearm? Because if the police arrive in response to my 911 call to find the home invader bleeding out on the floor, and they find out I did that with my penis, they’ll write it down as Aggravated Sexual Assault rather than Justifiable Homicide.

The cops just aren’t receptive to the explanation of “Officer, I was in fear of my life so I dicked my assailant to death.”