Euro 2012: Holland v Germany – as it happened

HOLLAND, THE BOSSES OF GERMANY (AT THE EUROS, ANYWAY): Marco van Basten, tessellating with Jurgen Kohler, scores the late winner in Holland's famous win over West Germany at Euro 88.

Good evening, and welcome to our coverage of Holland versus Germany. Holland versus Germany, folks, Holland versus Germany. And not just any old Holland versus Germany. It's high-stakes major-championship Holland versus Germany. One that could usher the Dutch close to the precipice. Does international football get any better than this? It does not, is the correct answer. If this match lives up to even one percent of the expectation, we're due a cracker, a belter, a brouhaha for the ages.

The Germans have the upper hand historically, with 14 wins to Holland's ten in 39 previous meetings. Germany, and their predecessors Bundesrepublik Deutschland, have been all over their neighbours in World Cups: a spittle-flecked 2-1 win at Italia 90, a 2-2 draw at Argentina 78, and of course a 2-1 victory in the 1974 World Cup final, the pair's first competitive meeting, and a match which the Dutch spent grizzling like toddlers who were promised Strawberry Mivvis but had to make do with ice pops.

But Holland have been the daddy in the European Championships. At Euro 2004, the pair drew 1-1 in the group stage, but Ruud van Nistelrooy's late equaliser extracted all the momentum from Germany's campaign; the Dutch went through at the expense of their old enemy. At Euro 92, reigning champions Holland skelped the reigning world champions 3-1 in the groups. And most famously of all, Marco van Basten slid in with two minutes of the 1988 European Championship semi-final to go, sending the West Germans crashing out of their own tournament, en route to Holland's first - and still their only - major championship. Since that win, Holland have always got through the group stage of the Euro finals; they need to avoid defeat here tonight to make sure that record doesn't go up in smoke.

Recent form's got to count for a little something, of course. And it doesn't look great for the Dutch. The last time the two met, in a friendly in Hamburg last November, Germany dished out an awful spanking. Thomas Muller, Miroslav Klose and Mesut Ozil were the scorers in a 3-0 German victory, the Oranje's biggest defeat in 15 years. Holland have also lost two of their last four matches: Saturday's 1-0 defeat against Denmark came three weeks after a home friendly loss to Bulgaria. Those two results bookmark warm-up wins over Slovakia (2-0) and Northern Ireland (6-0).

Germany haven't looked that great themselves, mind. They just about scraped past Portugal at the weekend, though appeared to be close to touching cloth during the final ten minutes when their opponents slipped into all-out attack mode. And their pre-tournament friendlies were a mixed bag: a boring 2-0 win over Israel, which followed a slapstick 5-3 defeat in Switzerland. Germany may therefore like to claim Bayern Munich's 3-2 win over Holland in mid-May, Mario Gomez scoring a late winner, as their own. Anyway, after all that, time for some pre-match admin...

Kick off: It probably will.

Time the game will start: 7.45pm BST, 9.45pm EEST (local time in Kharkiv).

According to the Guardian style guide, Holland "should not be used to mean the Netherlands (of which it is a region), with the exception of the Dutch football team, who are conventionally known as Holland". So, even though you didn't ask, and almost certainly don't care, now you know.

Referee: Jonas Eriksson is from Sweden, he's 38 years old, and lists music and travelling among his hobbies.

In the other Group B match today, Portugal beat Denmark 3-2. "After the Denmark-Portugal result," begins Simon McMahon, "a 3-2 win for Holland tonight followed by two 0-0 (or 1-1, 2-2 etc) draws in the final group games would see all three teams finish level on points with identical goals for and against. Maybe a long shot, but it could happen. What do the rules say?" Well, should this happen, it will go down to Uefa's magnificent national team coefficient ranking system. That would be good news for Germany (No3 in Uefa's system) and Portugal (No5) but not so good for Holland, or the Dutch, who are No 8, or Po' Denmark, a lowly No13. These coefficients are calculated by Michel Platini, who pulls the numbers out of the back of his trousers "multiplying each country's results from two and a half tournament cycles by their respective weighting factor, added up and divided by five (corresponding to the sum of the weighting factors)". England are No1, incidentally. Platini might actually pull the numbers from the back of his trousers.

The teams are out! The oranje are in their orange, Germany in white and black. Both sets of players sing their Special Songs. Just as Can were better than Focus, Das Lied der Deutschen is better than Wilhelmus van Nassouwe.

Five, four, three, two, one... goes the ludicrous pre-match countdown. And we're off! Holland get the ball rolling. Van Persie's not too far from breaking clear down the inside-right channel, but he can't quite get the ball under control. The same player's found on the edge of the area a few seconds later, but can't get a shot away. A bright start by the Dutch, though.

3 min: A cracking atmosphere in the stadium. It's all very tentative on the pitch so far. "Your listing the referee's hobbies got me reminiscing," sighs Phil Sawyer. "Still my favourite list of hobbies." This is a liberal website, Phil. Should we really be mentioning golf?

6 min: Van Persie has turned missing chances into an art form recently, and here he goes again. A long ball down the middle by Mathijsen catches Hummels sleeping, and the Dutch striker is clear in the area. He's got time, but can only guide the ball straight to Neuer. That really should have been the opener. "Comparing Can and Focus is like comparing Apples and Oranges," writes J McDonagh. "Now, Eddie Van Halen was much better than Rudolph Schenker, but Snap was much better than 2 Unlimited."

8 min: Ozil, just to the right of the Dutch D, takes a snap-shot, hammering the ball towards the bottom-right corner. Stekelenburg is behind it all the way, with a little help from the post. It's quite open, this, for such an important match.

11 min: Van Persie is this close to recreating, almost frame for frame, Marco van Basten's winner at Euro 1988! That was almost eerie. He chases after Robben's sliderule pass down the inside-right channel, holds off Badstuber, who is playing the Jurgen Kohler role here, and sticks a leg out, looking for the bottom-left corner. It's scuffed wide left of the target, sadly for those who enjoy a good callback.

14 min: Ozil looks to find a bit of space in the Dutch area, but falls over. Holland go up the other end, winning a corner down the left, which they go on to waste in the most wanton fashion. It's got promise, this game, even if it's not quite caught fire yet. "Interesting to compare current kits with those of '88 in the photo," begins David Wall. "Whereas back then shorts couldn't be any tighter and shirts couldn't be much looser, with most of today's kits the shorts can't get much longer without becoming trousers and the shirts can't get much tighter while still allowing the players to exhale. So what next, are we going to move back towards the old style? Or is there some development in sock technology to come next? Perhaps built in snoods for the winter, and detachable sleeves for the summer months? After all, they have to change in some way or other to keep the coffers of Nike and Adidas topped up." Two piece sets comprising of bowler hat and codpiece, would be my design. Adidas know where I am.

17 min: Holland are the stronger team at the moment. Van Persie, busy at this tournament if not yet prolific, finds a yard down the left, cutting inside to take down a long crossfield pass. He's bearing down on goal at a tight angle, but can't get a shot away before Boateng comes into spoil. Corner. Laughable corner. "Does the Grauniad style guide have a position on typos?" qiups Rayn Dnune.

19 min: From a cross coming into the Dutch area from the right, Ozil, Gomez and Muller try a bit of bump-set-spike, but an oranje shirt steps in just as Muller prepares to pull the trigger from eight yards. Holland flood up the other end, with more room down their left wing, this time for Afellay. He's got men in the middle, but his low cross into the area is cut out by a sliding Badstuber. The corner... oh man, the corner. "Just a bit of clarification on the Holland/Netherlands issue and perhaps you could pass this on to the people that compile the Guardian style guide," begins Peter G from the Netherlands, who should probably know that I'm not going to bother I'll forget. "There used to be a province called Holland and it was arguably the most powerful and wealthy of all the provinces in the country, but the Dutch decided to split it in two to break it's power around 1840. Holland does not exist. At least not in Holland."

23 min: GOAL!!! Holland 0-1 Germany. This is a brilliant goal by Germany. Muller picks the ball up and hares off down the inside-right channel. Cutting inside a bit, he slides the ball into the centre for Schweinsteiger, and bombs forward looking for the one-two. But Schweinsteiger is a step ahead of him, and rolls a crisp instant pass forward to Gomez, who is a wee bit further forward than Muller, and onside, right on the edge of the area. He spins and shoots in one delicious smooth motion, dispatching an unstoppable shot low into the net. Holland can't get knocked out tonight, but nevertheless, their Euro 2012 bid is now hanging by a thread. Unless they turn this round, they'll need to beat Portugal in their last game, and hope Germany dispatch Denmark.

26 min: Holland respond in the staunch fashion. Robben cuts in from the right and takes a preposterous hoick at goal from nearly 30 yards out. The swerving shot is dangerous enough, but never beating Neuer from there, the keeper parrying with ease.

28 min: Robben is this close to being released down the inside-right by van Bommel. He's offside. "A wonderful thought, but if Can had penned the German anthem, would Uefa allow a 17-minute krautrock epic before every match?" wonders Barney Haywood. A lovely idea. But only if the Dutch are allowed to use this.

32 min: Muller skips clear down the right. He sweeps a low ball straight through the Dutch six-yard area. Gomes slides in, Gascoigne at the Euro 96 semi style, but can't get his boot to the ball. "You know how Van Persie scores when he wants?" writes Rob Edwards. "His lack of interest in the Euros must be bewildering. What's the opposite of the golden boot? Coal boot?" Silver hat?

35 min: Willems is getting diddled time and again by Muller down the right. This time he's forced to clip his heels, but the referee doesn't show the Dutch defender yellow, presumably out of sympathy. In other news, Oliver Meek has got my innumerate number: "I think you're quoting the Uefa League rankings and not the National Team Rankings. England is 1 for the League but they are 5 according to the rankings used for Euro 2012. If we use those numbers then Netherlands and Germany would move on (2 and 3 respectively) while Portugal and Denmark would be left out (11 and 10 respectively)." I still say Platini's trousers are involved in some way.

37 min: Germany clip their free kick, near the corner flag down the right, into the centre of the Dutch area. For some reason, all the Holland players have buggered off, and have left Badstuber clear, six yards out. He's got to score, but can only direct his header straight at the keeper. What a miss! But never mind ...

39 min: GOAL!!! Holland 0-2 Germany. Gomez strikes again. He's hot alright. Schweinsteiger, collecting the ball from Muller on the right, slides a simple ball down the inside-right channel for Gomez, who absolutely welts an effort across Stekelenburg and into the top left. That's some finish, although if you're being harsh, the keeper may want to question himself. Both Germany's goals have been simplicity itself.

41 min: Sneijder takes a corner for Holland down the left. The next Dutch player to touch it is Stekelenburg, taking a goal kick. That's because an appalling corner is cut out by a white shirt, Germany instantly streaming upfield. The ball ends up at the feet of Boateng, who decides to have a whack from 30 yards but sends his effort sailing 30 yards wide. The Dutch are all over the place now.

44 min: Muller is pretty damn close to breaking past the woeful Willems down the right and into the area. Mathijsen is over to cover. It'll be a surprise if the young man comes out for the second half. They may as well have fielded a traffic cone, although given Holland's colour schem that would at least save washing one shirt. "The sinus infection I've been suffering from for the last few days has now spread to my inner ear, causing a fair amount of pain," moans Phil Sawyer. "Then I clicked on that Focus link. Thanks for that, Scott. The Guardian shall be receiving my medical bills in due course."

HALF TIME: Holland 0-2 Germany. The referee blows for half time, and the Dutch are grateful that it's only 2-0, because seconds before the end of the first period, a German free kick from the left wing comes off Robben and balloons along a perfect parabolic arc towards the top-right corner of the net. Stekelenburg backtracks and tips over. What a state the Dutch are in. "If Uefa were to allow a Can opus to be played before the match it wouldn't leave Mushroom for the other team's anthem," jokes Enna Cooper, a gag so good it deserves a badoom-tish, or perhaps several badoom-tishes, played metronomically by Jaki Liebezeit.

HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT designed to offer some appropriate succour to the Dutch:

And we're off again! Holland, as desperate as they come, have made a double change. Van der Vaart and Huntelaar are coming on, replacing van Bommell and Afellay. "This is all a set up so Platini gets to use his trousers," writes Michael Meagher. "The Dutch to win 3-2 and everyone goes into the last pair of games with one win, one loss and a 3-3 goal record! Hup! Hup!"

46 min: Less than a minute of the half gone, and Muller's off down the left, knocked unfairly to the ground by Heitinga. The free kick's swung into the area and clips off a confused Dutch head. Corner. Nothing comes from it, but what a sloppy start to the second period by a team who need to up their game. Dear me. "Everyone knows the opposite of the golden boot is the cement overshoe," writes MBM regular J.R. from Illinois, the reason he doesn't ever give us his full name perhaps becoming clear. "Perhaps disinterested players can be awarded the car boot," adds Ian Copestake.

48 min: Germany are passing around a lot. Das bundestikiundtaka. "Heitinga keeps obstructing Ozil, which should be an indirect free-kick, but you hardly ever see refs at the top level giving this," writes Ian Plenderleith. "Impeding an opponent, they call it now. Though why they bother I don't know, as it's never called. Why not?" I don't know. And in a further nod to my own gargantuan ineptitude, I didn't even spot any of Heitinga's dirty play, being too busy searching the internet for snippets of Dutch prog rock from the 1970s which has only previously had an airing in the United Kingdom on the Old Grey Whistle Test and a few editions of Pages from Ceefax. So sorry about that.

50 min: A bit of space for Sneijder down the left. His low cross is hacked clear by Hummels. The ball should be coming back at Germany, but Van der Vaart gives away a needless free kick, and the pressure, such as it was, is over. "Since everyone has decided that for this match it's okay to mention the war," begins BBC viewer Andrew Mullinder, "can the Dutch perhaps hope that Germany, thinking they have it won at half time, send off eight of their first team to play a simultaneous match against Russia?"

52 min: The Dutch are a complete shower. Hummels - Hummels! - goes on a meandering run down the inside-right channel and cuts inside. Approaching the area, all Dutch players run away. A route having opened up, he has one low shot. Stekelenburg parries. Hummels then pokes another effort towards the bottom left. Stekelenburg manages to turn the ball round the post for a corner, from which nothing comes. What a chance for the central defender, though.

55 min: Podolski, who has been fairly quiet, twists and turns awhile on the edge of the area, but can't quite get the ball out from under his feet. Holland are in severe danger of letting in a third. "As much as I love the Beach Boys, I wonder if Jacques Brel's 'Amsterdam' (sung by Scott Walker, as I for one wouldn't understand the original French rendition) captures the mood amongst the Dutch supporters at the moment," writes Richard Askew. "Just substitute 'Football fans' for 'Sailors'." OK, let's give it a go:

In the port of AmsterdamWhere the sailors all meetThere's a sailor who eatsOnly fishheads and tailsHe will show you his teethThat have rotted too soonThat can swallow the moon

Yep, that might work. Although isn't this a bit too cheery for Holland's mood at present?

58 min: Holland pick up the tempo a bit. Maybe more like Next or Jackie from Scott 2. First Robben cuts inside from the right and sends a curling shot, aimed for the top left corner, over the bar. Then Van Persie hammers a brilliant low effort from the edge of the area, Neuer at full stretch to save. This is much better from the Dutch.

61 min: Germany with the bundestikiundtaka again. Eventually Khedira has the ball on the edge of the area, but he loses control with opportunities opening up in front of him.

63 min: The Dutch are much more perky now. Sneijder drops a shoulder, cuts inside from the left, and unleashes a manic, swerving shot towards the bottom-right corner. He's not that far away.

66 min: Sneijder shimmies and shakes 30 yards from the German goal in a central position, and isn't far from releasing Robben, Schweinsteiger style, with a simple slide-rule pass down the inside-left channel. But Robben can't quite stretch for the pass, and the chance to open the Germans up is gone. "I think Robert Lowell nails the depressive Dutch mood in A Quaker Graveyard in Nantucket," writes Pam Ayres Ian Copestake. "He even starts with a nod to a footballing cliche:

Sick as a dog to these Atlantic shoals:Clamavimus, O depths. Let the sea-gulls wailFor water, for the deep where the high tideMutters to its hurt self, mutters and ebbs.Waves wallow in their wash, go out and out, Leave only the death-rattle of the crabs,The beach increasing, its enormous snoutSucking the ocean's side.This is the end of running on the waves;We are poured out like water. who will danceThe mast-lashed master of LeviathansUp from this field of Quakers in their unstoned graves?

70 min: Gomez has been quiet, but suddenly nearly completes his hat-trick, gaining a yard down the inside-left channel and guiding a low, bouncing shot wide right. "Das bundestikiundtaka should really read Das Bundestikiundtaka given that all German nouns are capitalised," drones Dan Lucas. "Never mind. Has anyone heard the new Lost Tapes release from Can yet? It's almost as breathtaking as this wonderful review of Tago Mago."

71 min: Robben works some baroque patterns down the right, cuts inside and... doesn't shoot! That's right, he doesn't look to curl one into the top-left corner only to blast it miles into the stand. Instead, he rolls a clever pass out left to Sneijder, cutting in from the wing. Sneijder opens up his body and aims, first-time, for the top right. It looks the perfect shape, but no luck, becuase Boateng throws himself into the line of fire, the ball walloping off his chest and out for a corner, which is wasted.

72 min: Gomez is replaced by Klose.

73 min: GOAL!!! Holland 1-2 Germany. We waited, and we waited, and finally Arsenal's Robin van Persie has shown up at Euro 2012. He slides in from the left wing, advances towards the area, and wallops a ball that swerves this way then that, before flying into the right-hand side of the net. Neuer had no chance of stopping that blast. It is on!

74 min: Holland's tails are immediately up. Van Persie scampers after a ball down the inside-left channel. He's in the area, and sure to shoot, but Boateng gets involved at the very last nanosecond, toeing the ball clear. Will Germany start rocking, like they did against Portugal towards the end?

75 min: Ozil is clear, just inside the Dutch area, but looks to take an extra touch before shooting. De Jong arrives to tackle fairly, the chance gone. Germany want to watch themselves here. Here's Matt Dony: "So, after debating the relative merits of Dutch and German pop music through the ages, we settle on a Belgian bloke who sang in French?"

77 min: Van Persie goes over the leg of Hummels while sashaying around the right-hand side of the German area, but it's never a foul.

80 min: A yellow card for De Jong, who goes straight through the back of Lahm. This is getting a wee bit tense.

81 min: Looks like Germany have decided to lock this one down, replacing Ozil with Kroos. It's a tactic that's served Bayern Munich so well in big games over the years, isn't it.

83 min: Robben is replaced by Kuyt.

85 min: Holland have the lion's share of possession now. Van der Vaart advances on the German area, eventually dragging a low shot wide right. Neuer tests the referee's patience by faffing around before restarting the game with a goal kick.

87 min: Boateng will miss the next game for Germany, having picked up his second yellow of the tournament, this time for clock-related faff at a throw-in.

89 min: A couple of corners to Germany down the right. Their actions are very much with the referee's timepiece in mind, a lot of rococo meandering near the flag.

90 min: So close to a farcical end to the game. Mathijsen, by his own right-hand corner flag, slides a pass back to Stekelenburg. The keeper, standing by his near post, switches feet before booting the ball, and is nearly embarrassed by Klose, who slide-tackles the slow-moving stopper, sending the ball squirming inches wide right of goal.

90 min +1: Some admin: (1) Willems, who has been much better in this second half, is booked for a check on Muller; (2) Muller is replaced by Bender; (3) there will be three minutes of added time, of which this is the first.

90 min +2: The Dutch are being pinned back. It's looking like two defeats in a row for them.

FULL TIME: Holland 1-2 Germany. And that's that. Germany only need a point from their final game against Denmark to advance to the quarter-finals. The Dutch meanwhile must beat Portugal, and hope Denmark lose to Germany, all the while keeping an eye on Denmark and Portugal's goal difference. The final word to Charles Antaki: "Sadly the lyrics of Sail on Sailor progress to: 'Damn the thunder / Must I blunder / There's no wonder / Lord, I'm under!' Not a good omen for the Dutch. I'm afraid. Perhaps you might find a clip of Brian Wilson's Smile?"