The Redneck Guide To Emergency Preparedness

In the past year hurricane Irene has crawled and doused the east coast of the United States. Wildfires ravaged Texas. Earthquakes and tornadoes caused profound damage, and record snows have shut down cities. Now the Mayan and Incan calendars are telling us to prepare for the end of times. The aftermath of a natural disaster kind of reminds me of what happens when you put a hungry baby in a strip bar: everyone ends up confused, no one gets what they wanted and there is a lot of crying.

Immediately after an emergency, and you have seen this time and time again, the first people to be up and running and rescuing others are the rednecks. It’s not the Harvard MBA’s that are pulling people out of flooded homes with jon boats. It’s the rednecks. Nope, a fancy air conditioned, Italian marbled floored, mahogany paneled office full of accountants used to chilled lobster lunches won’t do anyone much good in an emergency. Not one would know how to snare a snapping turtle, noodle a catfish or trap an opossum. For good post hurricane eating in a disaster area you need a redneck, a raccoon and a cast iron griddle.

In order to make the lofty claim that you are able to write on rednecks you have to have some redneck credentials. It took some time to find out I had redneck in me. I grew up working on farms, fishing for bullhead, the priest let me put my .22 near the front steps of the church so I didn’t have to waste time going back home to get it after services. To me all this was normal. It’s what kids did.

Then my self actualizing redneck awaking occurred. I was a young Marine, living is South Carolina and I was transferred to the Pentagon in Washington DC. When I arrived I rented a room in Arlington, VA with a house full of city folk. One day I was out of food and traffic was so bad I didn’t want to take two hours to get to a grocery store and back just for something to eat. So instead of going to the store, I grabbed my pellet gun, put 10 pumps into it and went outside to the street and shot a squirrel. Dressed it on the spot and a few minutes later it was frying in a pan. That’s when the city folk roommates explained to me that what I just done qualified me as redneck. At least I had dinner.

When it hits the fan and there is trouble a redneck will always come out on top of the situation. What is their secret? Preparedness. And this is how they do it…

A Countdown of the Ten Items In Your Redneck Emergency Preparedness Kit

10. Smokes and Chew: Marlboro Lights for a category one hurricane or tornado, Marlboro Mediums for a category two or three, Marlboro Reds for a category four. You need a serious smoke for a serious hurricane. Chew is important because it counts towards your daily supply of vegetables.

9. Booze: Hide the Budweiser and have a couple cans of Milwaukee’s Best incase strangers stop by or you need to barter with neighbors. Follow this safety rule for consuming alcohol in emergency situations: beer for morning and Jack Daniels for afternoon and evenings. If you are too drunk to walk then use your ATV otherwise it will take you forever to get anywhere.

8. Food: Slim Jims and if you want to live large get some mustard for dipping, beef jerky, pork rinds and anything that was on the table that the dogs didn’t eat or wasn’t sprayed with Raid when you were clearing cockroaches during dinner.

7. A Boat: A true redneck has a boat in his yard for years at a time without ever using it once. That’s because it’s for emergency purposes. I highly recommend a two-stroke motor that will always start after it’s kicked a few times. Preferably that motor will be a Johnson, because jokes about your Johnson never get old.

6. Pickup Truck: A redneck is a man that has less than 50% of his vehicles running at any given time. It’s easy to tell the vehicle that is driven the most by counting the 7-11 hotdog containers on the floor. But, when a hurricane hits, it’s certain that a redneck in a Ford F-150 that is held together with bondo will be pulling your Lexus out of a ditch. And remember, that’s not just a redneck’s truck; it’s where his kids were conceived so understand that bench seat is sacred ground.

5. A Dog: A dog will tell you if something is edible or not.

4. A Flashlight: You need one in addition to the light the family uses at night to go out to the bathroom.

3. A Radio with a Powerful Speaker: That way you have something to drown out the wife, kids, mother-in-law, your sister-in-law Crystal, your sister Crystal, cousin Crystal, and your neighbor Crystal and her daughter little Crystal.

2. Home Security System: 1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots. 2. Put them on the front porch with a copy of your most recent assault charge. 3. Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and court papers. 4. Leave this note on your door: “Jake and Buster: I went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don’t think Satan took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. The cops will be back too.”

1. Guns and Ammo: I’m not talking about the magazine. Looters will be shot on sight and their loved ones can buy their watches and rings back from the pawn shop. And personally, I’d like to say that if you have a gun then squirrel is always on the menu if a disaster causes the traffic to be bad.

Get yourself prepared in case you have a shortage of rednecks in your area.

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