Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A list of things that anyone can do to feel the wrath of a healer burning through their computer screen!!

Don't pick up aggro on mobs. Let them beat on the healer, instead! Even better when it's a large, angry melee mob. Ignore any screams for help. It may teach them a lesson about aggro management, and they'll learn to watch threat meters better.

Pull while your healer is out of mana (OoM). After all, managing mana is an important part of being a good healer; the rest of the group has plenty of health to keep going, so the healer should have the mana to continue, as well.

Blame your healer for every death. If only they would heal better, the group could survive ANYTHING. Even void zones and frogger.

Belittle, bash, or otherwise make snide remarks about anything the healer says or does. Do the same to every other player present. It will show them how much better you are than the rest of the party, and why they should prioritize healing you over anyone else.

Stand in fire, cleaves, and poison. Busy healers are happy healers.

Comment on how low their damage is. Make sure they understand that you're being quite serious. It will help them strive to become better players.

Call out immediately and dramatically for healing, resses, and cleanses on yourself, especially if you aren't the raid leader. This will help guide the blind healers towards you, or the ones that don't have any kind of health bars on their screens.

If you ever make a mistake, never admit to it or apologize for it. To show weakness would frighten your healers, lowering their spirit, which might hurt their mana regeneration and healing power.

When any wipe occurs (make sure you blame the healer for it, of course), do not release to the graveyard. It is the healer's sworn duty to run back, drink, and then resurrect you. It is repentance for their failure at keeping the group alive, while you go afk for a refreshing coke.

Always remember that any female gamer is only good in that role: healing. They are happy in that role, and none of them have any interest whatsoever in trying to dps or tank. If any of them try to break the mold, argue fervently with them and make comments regarding the kitchen (make sure they understand that you are being serious). Of course, this is all theoretically speaking, as female gamers don't exist.

When low on health, run away from the healer or use line-of-sight to prevent them from being able to reach you. It makes things much more fun for them, especially in a large combat situation when you are instants from death. If you die, blame them.

If your healer is well-geared, it will make up for any lack of gear, experience, and skill the rest of the group may have, and will allow the group to charge forth and aggro all of the trash in the instance at once that they can find. That healer will be perfectly capable of keeping the tank up through one-shots and/or the healer having aggro on most of it. If the group does die, clearly it is still the healer's fault, and you should point this out to them repeatedly before trying again.

When tanking a large group of cleaving mobs, make sure you bring them over to stand next to your healer. The cleave damage the healer takes will remind them that they need to heal extra-hard. If they die, of course, they were not healing hard enough. This also applies to conal breath attacks, damage auras, and tail whips.

If any healer gets mad at you, ask if they are on their period.

Warning:The creators are not responsible for users of this guide being added to ignore lists, vote-kicked, booted from raids and guilds, ignored for resses, or possibly having post-it-notes taped over their health bars on a healer's computer screen combined with a muting in Ventrilo or other chat programs.

This is not the kind of thing I should be reading at work... I'm supposed to be doing things that aren't remotely funny.

My favorite is "res me". Preferably when the healer isn't a druid and we're mid-fight. Those little darlings, making sure the priest or pally isn't blind... They gets ressed last (or not at all) simply accidentally, really.

Make sure to tell your healer that they should go gear up some more, because that insanely huge pull your tank just did and barely survived was purely based on the awesomeness of the tank. Sheesh man, tank almost died. NOOB HAELZ!

Taz: I have been told that before, too. For a while, it's all I was comfortable on! I prefer bronze, though; guarantees at least some of the time stops will happen when he enrages :D

Jen: Oh yes. Purely an accident. They were just too far away. Or I was going down my list. Or didn't see where their corpse was... being crunched under my boots while I ressed everyone else. Bwahaha.

Meka: Not many people thank tanks for the jobs that they do. I honestly do take the time to thank them when they rescue me from something that wasn't their fault (ie a dps aggroing a ton of mobs and dumping them on me). Buuuut when the tank's the one pulling it and they make remarks about their healer's gear levels... those are times my finger shifts over to moonfire and I wish I could flag pvp against my own faction. :)

As a bear, I fully know the capabilities of my healer and for the most part, because I'm a tree, I doubt they can successfully heal me through anything, so to compensate I, LIKE ANY GOOD TANK SHOULD, use grid to see the health and mana of my groups, and if there is something that makes me pause, I wait.

If people don't release, I don't rez them. Period. As soon as they release, I rez them :p

On my hunter, every time a tank blames the healer, I vote to kick them from the run. And while we wait for a new tank, I make sure the healer is healing my pet and tank the rest of the run until the new one arrives.

I don't play the blame others game. I am far too busy for those vanilla issues.