EVANSTON — Joe Manichello, WCAS ’19, is taking the looming threat of the Freshman Fifteen seriously – by specifically by calculating the calories in Nabisco’s Cheese-Nips and its competitor: Kellogg’s Cheese-Its.

The freshman Economics major, who is looking for a low-sodium but flavor-filled cracker, hopes to start the school year off right with the ideal cheesy snack.

“While I’ve always been a fan of the White Cheddar Cheese-Its, I like the shapes of the Despicable Me Cheese Nips,” Manichello informed the Sherman Ave CVS employee working the 8pm shift. “But I’m still worried what trans fat is going to do to my six pack.”

What the 18-year-old has yet to consider, however, is how the combination of cheese-filled goodness and a steady consumption of light beer will lead to the inevitable dad-bod. “New college students may make healthy decisions in the snack aisle,” said registered dietician and beer-belly expert Sally Mayfield, “But they tend to forget what three rounds of beer pong will do to their waistlines. At the end of the day, a drunk freshman doesn’t really care what he’s putting in his body as long as it’s carbs.”

As of press time, Manichello was also weighing the possibility of Pepperidge Farm® Goldfish® Flavor Blasted® Xtra Cheddar.

About the Author

Caroline is mad. Very mad. And do you want to know why? Because she was born in a very small box. Caroline starred in the 1964 remake of "Annie." She played the mop in the "It's a Hard Knock Life" scene. The most shocking thing about Caroline is her being a natural redhead. The pressure of needing a blonde president to continue the streak forced her to dye her lovely red locks. It is widely believed that the stress of co-presiding over the Flipside has caused her hair to turn white prematurely, and she weeps at night missing her red hair. While in New York last year, she discovered that you need permission and authorization to climb the Empire State Building at night.

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