My friend, who likes to hunt duck, was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to relieve himself....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth, and the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth, and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

MSD

From today's Telegraph (am I just getting old, or is that most conservative of newspapers more fun than it used to be?)....

I, however, think it desirable - even if not essential - to know words' meanings when playing Scrabble. To concentrate solely on the numerical value of the constituent letters is reductive and a bit philistine. Our language deserves more respect. On some occasions though, ignorance can be bliss. At one tournament, an elderly woman's opponent played ORGASM.

She looked puzzled, and challenged the word's validity. Amid much stifled sn-wording, the judges confirmed it did, indeed, exist. The old lady asked what it meant. She was told as delicately as possible. "Goodness me!" she exclaimed. "I must tell my husband when I get home."

wormster

From today's Telegraph (am I just getting old, or is that most conservative of newspapers more fun than it used to be?)....

I, however, think it desirable - even if not essential - to know words' meanings when playing Scrabble. To concentrate solely on the numerical value of the constituent letters is reductive and a bit philistine. Our language deserves more respect. On some occasions though, ignorance can be bliss. At one tournament, an elderly woman's opponent played ORGASM.

She looked puzzled, and challenged the word's validity. Amid much stifled sn-wording, the judges confirmed it did, indeed, exist. The old lady asked what it meant. She was told as delicately as possible. "Goodness me!" she exclaimed. "I must tell my husband when I get home."

Well what was the word being challenged? and who's dictionary were they using?

funny air controllersReal (allegedly) funny air controllersconversations These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took place between air controllers and pilots around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you arenot able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controllerlashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging theirate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston!'

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you Bas*ard!'

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

I must admit Bernard Manning was, in his 5 minutes of time, brilliant, but now we have to surf the ethics of PC jokes, opinions etc.etc.

Therefore;

Passport control

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.''Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'

The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? 'WELL , SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW, TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER.'

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's> accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian> equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.> Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......>> Dear Sir,>> I am writing in response to your request for additional information in> Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause> of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the> following details will be sufficient.>> I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working> alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,> I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were> found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.>> Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a> barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building> on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the> roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.> Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a> slow descent of the bricks.>> You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh> 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I> lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to> say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the> vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding> downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured> skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section> 3 of the accident report form.>> Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until> the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.>> Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was> able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience> pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit> the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the> weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.>> I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid> descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third> floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured> ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.>>> Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel> seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile> of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry> to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,> unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let> go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its> journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.>> I hope this answers your inquiry.> Regards>> Stuart.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt

Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause forgiggles.Being tired from playing....remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.Choppers and Grifters.

Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies

Remember when...

There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green FlashThe only time you wore them at School was for P.E.And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsoles

You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When 25p was decent pocket moneyCurly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's.Top Trumps.When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carrygroceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate thatawaited a misbehaving pupil at home.Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-byshootings, drugs, gangs etc.

Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are stillafraid of them.

Didn't that feel good?

Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....

Decisions were made by going 'Ip, Dip, Dog Sh*t'

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.

It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

I've got this thing here that I must read to you.Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of 'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.

Respected sir,

when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground.I decided to hang on!Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the bricks to spill out.I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed!Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line!The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital!

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herselfinto the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome youngsailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow youaway on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, heslipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America wouldgive her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they madepassionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip toAmerica, and he's screwing me."

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusuallyattractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at thewine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants ' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.