Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's your dear pals here at Team Awful, and we think you'd better listen up to what we have to type.

What the s--t is wrong with you? Are you so high you think news of your latest antics doesn't travel back to gossip bloggers in Los Angeles? Think again. We've heard all about the ridiculous crap you're still pulling while out clubbing, and it's getting pathetic.

We're not even bothering to make you a Blind Vice for the week; you aren't good enough for that anymore. Really, we are thisclose to just straight outing you right here in the blog thanks to your highly visible, most recent drug stunt...

I mean, come, on: doing meth (again) in front of everyone at a recent party, having a freak-out moment and totally losing it while everyone watched and, yes, judged you.

And the pathetically funny thing is: Your pals who you think are right there with ya are the ones worried for your life. Us, too. Girlfriend, you used to have the potential to be a big player in the H'wood game, but right now you should worry less about your failing career and more about how you plan to stay friggin' breathing. At this rate, it isn't going to be for that much longer.

It's not even fun anymore to chronicle your sad pleas for attention. Would outing you once and for all be what it takes for your remarkably still-gorgeous ass to actually get help? We're considering it. Surely a rehab stint would follow, but maybe this time it would stick since the world would know you're into the painfully hard stuff, not just coke and booze anymore.

Figure it out, or we will for you.

XO,
Team Awful

Hmmm not surprising. Except for the part about her being "remarkable still gorgeous". Really? BTW, we know that Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan, for anyone not paying attention to Ted's blind vices over the past couple of years. See our labels on the right side of the screen to read more about LiLo's antics.

It's not Mischa. She was an AIA in the last MM blind vice from August.

It's Lindsay. Anyone else it could be has been ruled out like Mischa. Read the items about her- the adderral use..there are a LOT of hints. The most telling is that there has been a lot of buzz just in the past few weeks about her, she's really a mess.

I think the "remarkably still gorgeous" is the fact that most meth and coke addicts that have been using as long as she has look twenty times worse. She does look remarkably good for what she's doing to herself but she's a HOT MESS.

I never said she was revealed to be Morgan Mayhem. But I said to look at the links along the right side of your screen for more info. I'm not listing all the reasons here why LL is MM. Read for yourself. This has been going on for years, almost as long as Toothy Tile.

"Dear Ted:Lately I have noticed just how similar Taylor Momsen and Courtney Love look. While I am all for women's lib, do you think that Momsen's choice of apparel and general attitude will lead her down a similar destructive path?—Caroline Dear Lohan Jr.:Let's hope not, but I'm not a fan of the recent bestie pairing at NYC Fashion Week of Momsen and Lindsay. This young starlet has a lot going for her, and although it's OK for her to look like Court (hey, whatever floats her boat), we don't want another drugged-out starlet on our hands!"

This is Lindsay Lohan. Mischa Barton was never upcoming and never as big as Lohan. I never even watched the OC. I didn't have a clue who she was at one point. Lohan was an A+ headlining actress at one point. MM is without a doubt Lohan. It's so sad. She had it all and has completely thrown it away. It's a shame she has that horrible enabler for a mother. Thank God I have an awesome mom.

"Dear Ted:Love your column just as much as when I first discovered it. Just want to write in regard to your letter to Morgan Mayhem. I really think you should out what she's doing in the hope that she gets some real help. Seeing how many celebs have died tragically too soon because of drugs makes me worry her time is coming. Just hate to see anyone lose their life because no one stepped in to help them. That's all!—End the Mayhem

Dear Concerned:Thanks, but truthfully, Morgan is the only one who can get herself "real" help. Ain't gonna come from any other person, place or thing."

"Dear Ted:Longtime reader, first-time writer. I think you came close last week...but can you please out Lindsay Lohan already? I'm not even a fan, but the girl looks like death in a can. Her family obviously gives less than two poops about her, outside of how much cash she can bring them (à la Ms. Britney Spears). Not one to judge, but how much of a trainwreck can we bear to watch? Too many funerals already this year. L.L. is still young?if she gives a convincing apology, I'm sure all will be forgiven. The public loves redemption?isn't that why Christ was crucified? And I'm not Christian...just a little smart for a blond girl. BTW, so sorry about your pet loss and split...it's a lot to handle. Many hugs.?Missmaam

Dear Stretch Comparison:Lindsay and Christ...are about as opposite as you can get. And yes, I'm thisclose to outing Lohan's Vice because she needs help. Majorly. Right now she's closer to being in the ground than on the road to a comeback."

"Dear Ted:Why does Michael Lohan use the media to talk about his daughter? Is he trying to extend his 15 minutes and seem like the better parent? I don't why I care so much, but it just bothers me.—Dnnro

Dear Hardly:If he were actually a good father, chances would be greater Lindsay wouldn't be on the strung-out path she's on right now. Michael and Dina care more about themselves than their kids. It's just sad and true."

"Dear Ted:Methinks it is time to let Morgan Mayhem out of the bag. Things are looking mighty grim; chick looks almost twenty years older. It would be the Christian thing to do. Low blow, I know but the whole thing is so sad in a Janis Joplin sprinkled with River Phoenix watched over by John Belushi kind of way. Tough love, man, tough love!—pricanese

Dear Morgan Misery:Didn't John Belushi hang at the Chateau Marmont, too? What the hell's in the vodka at that place?"

"Dear Ted:Do you have favorites of celebrities you choose to write about?—dnro

Dear Playing Favorites:Uh, Robsten much? Team Awful also loves dishing on the True Blood crew, and anytime Hugh Jackman or Taylor Lautner take their shirts off is a good day for us. Lindsay used to be fun, but now it's just depressing."

"Dear Momma's Boy:We all need our mommies. And in Lindsay's case, an entirely new mom. J.T.'s mom would hardly land a spot on the top 10 worst celeb matriarchs.

Dear Ted:Isn't a sober Lindsay worth more to her mother than a strung-out Lindsay? Her potential as an actress could have earned her millions. It's shallow, but why doesn't her mother see that and get her sober, rather than leech off her meager current earnings as a strung-out addict?—Lemon

Dear Mommy Dreariest:Dina isn't concerned with Lindsay at all anymore, sober or not—Mama Lohan actually thinks she's the star. She even has her own friggin' shoe line! Which appears to be a bigger priority in her life than keeping tabs on her daughters."

"Dear Ted:Considering the constant horde of photographers following Morgan Mayhem, I seriously doubt that she buys her own drugs and alcohol. Maybe this is a stupid question, how come the photographers don't follow members of her entourage and document drug buys and/or alcohol purchases in order to drive home the point that she has a serious addiction and needs help...?—Ekyoung

Dear Enough:How many times do we have to say it, Morgan's a no-no right now! Not up for discussion! For real! And the photographers have helped our out once or twice—not photographing the stash that fell out of her purse."

"Dear Ted:I used to be a Lindsay Lohan fan, but things change. I was wondering if her career ever got back on track, would any of her fans come back? Would she still have a chance if she figured out whether she was straight or lesbian and if she quit her partying? Or would everyone be waiting for a fall back everyday?—Me

Dear Too Little, Too Late:Everyone loves a comeback—Hollywood especially, just ask Mickey Rourke. But right now, Linds has zero chance at a major fan or career comeback. Hate to say it, but at this point L.L. isn't gonna make it anywhere. Except to oblivion."

"Dear Ted:Tedster! If you were going to a costume party this Halloween, which Blind Vice would you go as? I definitely don't see you as Toothy, but could you handle Crotch-uh Lastic? (Hehhehheh—I'll just bet you could!)—Suze-Q

Dear Letter of the Day:Since I'm stupidly smoking again, you know, engaging in crap that isn't good for me, Morgan Mayem, of course."

"Dear Ted:Loved the latest video! Way to put Lindsay and her dumb bottle-blond mum in their places! I cannot stand the way that woman thinks it is OK for her kid to be falling down drunk. And the other one isn't too far behind either, sad, really. Thank you for being tough and firm on that front, she doesn't need any more enabling!—Bbabe

"Dear Ted:So I know that you don't want to talk about Lindsay, but what do you make of Michael's release of the phone calls? Do you really think he has something that will actually make Lindsay get herself straightened out or do you think he is only after exploiting his daughter? He is such a douche, so I wouldn't put it past him to use his daughter for publicity in this way, but I can't help but wonder what we don't know.—Jryan

Dear Daddy Douche Bag:Obvi he's a d-bag, so why even wonder if he's going to help her? She's a mess, she needs help ASAP and her oh-so-loving "father" will definitely not be the one to get her clean."

"Dear Ted:Since I know you won't give me an early Xmas present by telling me that Toothy Tile dates a spokesperson for a cosmetics company, will you at least give your two cents on Morgan Mayhem? If she is who I think she is, is her current do-gooder trip abroad for real, an attempt to grow up, or just a blatant PR move?—Waldo

Dear Messed-Up Morgan:Morgan is so loony all the time, she probably doesn't even know where the hell she is half the time. But with her family background it's no wonder she's on the fast track to her grave."

Morgan Mayhem aka Lindsay Lohan also likes to create fake twitter accounts to curse out people she doesn't like with impunity. Don't dare insult her or Samantha Ronson or you'll be attacked by one of her sock puppets, seriously.

"Dear Ted:Is there any chance Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake will ever get back together? What about Jessica Simpson and her ex...Nick something? One more question. Was the late Brittany Murphy Morgan Mayhem? Wishing you all the best for 2010!—Tess

Dear Three's a Crowd:I'd die of happiness if Britney and Justin got back together. No chance on Jessica and Nick. And no, Brittany wasn't Morgan, but they were quite similar."

"Dear Ted:I need some reassurance: Is Lindsay Lohan OK? She seems to be doing well with the clothing line (almost) but she looks a bit...drained. I'm concerned about her welfare; what are your thoughts?—Gabriella

Dear Dumb One:Reassurance? Honey, Lohan is hardly OK! Let's just say she was partying with her mom, Dina Lohan, and little sis, Ali Lohan, at Chateau Marmont on Friday night. Now does that seem recovery-road functional to you?"

"Dear Ted:Apparently I'm not the only one who noticed Lohan's receding hairline while she was in London—Lainey commented on it too. Has her hairline always looked that way, or are LiLo's lifestyle choices finally catching up with her physically?—T

Dear Hairy Situation:I'd say a few inches of the hairline are the least of Lindsay's troubles. With her "lifestyle choices," she should be happy she's still alive."

"Dear Ted:What's your take on LiLo's admission to The Sun of prior cocaine and alcohol abuse but to now being clean? For real, or is more rehab on the horizon?—N

Dear Clean Queen:I wouldn't call it a complete recovery, but the one-time bitchin' babe has definitely been looking better lately. Though, she's still out clubbing every week...only now she goes out at eleven instead of three in the morning. Progress or just hoping for a bit of good publicity?"

"Dear Ted:I can't believe Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over that commercial that features "milkaholic" Lindsay. When that commercial first started airing, I don't think anyone thought that they were making fun of Lindsay Lohan. Is she that desperate for attention and money that she'll file a frivolous lawsuit?—J

Dear Bingo:Uh yeah, how else is Lindsay going to support all those habits she has? She's a hoarder, after all."

"Dear Ted:I don't like Michael Lohan by any means, but what do you honestly think about the steps he's taking to try to get Lindsay help? For once, I actually believe he's trying to do the right thing here, since she is in such bad shape. In this instance I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's going about it wrong, but he's the only person doing anything at this point. Thoughts?—Becky

Dear All the Wrong Reasons:Lindsay needs help. Badly. But his intentions just look supershady when he "helps her" then turns around and blabs to the press and paparazzi about it. Actions speak louder than obnoxious words. He should get her help and shut the hell up about his reasons for it. We all know LiLo is a wreck."

"Dear Ted:Sorry Ted, not buying the "poor Firecrotch" bit. So Lindsay's got crappy parents. People with idiot parents have issues for sure, but that's not an excuse to repeatedly engage in self-destructive behaviors. That's a whole other set of issues there. I believe Sam Ronson cares very much for Lindsay, but what good does that do? The problem with Linds, is Linds herself. She is a big girl now. She's been in and out of rehab how many times? No one can help her until she wants to help herself. Wouldn't you agree?—Jeanne

Dear Iron Fist:Absolutely, I don't think the fact she has crappy parents is an excuse for her behavior. It just makes it that much harder in getting help. She may be famous, but that girl has no one in her corner. Even her so-called friends now want something from her. I hope she can get her act together because the babe is talented and Hollywood loves a comeback. But I'm seriously doubting that'll happen anytime soon with the losers she surrounds herself with, parents included."

"Dear Ted:I just read the latest story about Lindsay Lohan. She is a sad, sick young girl. Her mother is an absolute loser. But. Sam Ronson is total garbage. I think she is a lying, disgusting drug addict who used Lindsay to get fame and attention for herself. Why do people insist on painting her as a victim of Lindsay's behavior? No one will ever convince me that she isn't a piece of garbage. Lindsay needs help desperately. Sam Ronson needs to pray for a soul, because I don't think she has one. Dina needs a foot up her a**. How could she allow Ali to stay with Lindsay? Michael Lohan needs a brain.—Miss P

Dear Disagree:I think you're way off there about Sam. From what I've heard, she's a cool normal gal who actually tried to be a positive influence on LiLo. Lindsay has so many friggin' issues going on, you have no idea. And it's sad! She literally has not one person who cares enough about her to get her help. Everyone wants something from the former firecrotch except to get her help."

"Dear Ted:I have been watching for years now the horrendously scary lifestyle that Lindsay Lohan has been living. Does no one in her family give an honest damn about her as anything except being a cash cow? Good God Almighty, what do people expect of her? She has trailer trash-esque parents who only care about getting their own names in the news and don't spare a second thought about their daughter. Her parents are both douchebags. As a parent, I would do anything in the world to protect my child from whatever issues they are working through. My 20 year old son knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him to death and would put my life on the line if it would save his. Does Lindsay have one—just one—person who will support her come what may? Sorry? Am I hearing my voice echoing here? Sorry to say, but I think I am. BOTH of her parents are douchebags.—Concerned

Dear Hollyweird:It pains us too to see just how much of a loser this girl has become, she had so much talent! Someone needs to actually intervene, and we doubt it will be someone that is related to her. Oprah?"

Good grief as others have said, I'm horrified that noone seems to care about Lindsay's welfare. What a horrible indictment on Hollywood and all who crave such fame and attention. Her parents are absolute morons. What on earth is Ali going to be like in a few years' time? Disgraceful and so sad.

"Dear Ted:So what do you think will happen to Lindsay Lohan at her court date this week? Has she really hit bottom like Robert Downey Jr. did when he finally went to jail? Will she get another chance, or will her attorney get her off on a technicality of some sort?—J

Dear Parent Trap:You probably have more concern for L2 than her friends or family do. She has a few more tumbles ahead of her before she hits rock bottom. Only hope for the babe is that she realizes she needs to clean up her act. She won't do it for someone else. I have a feeling she'll come out of the most recent court battle unscathed. Hollywoodites usually do."

"Dear Ted:Seriously, when will E! ban the Lindsay Lohan spiral? Who cares about anyone this delusional. Write about her when she gets back to work. Until then, please report on anything else!—Make the path

Dear Baby Steps:How about we ban her in the column? Unless she does something newsworthy or gets her crap together, you won't read about her routine antics here. Anybody up for that?"

"Dear Ted:Ok are the courts really going to believe that Lindsay Lohan lost her passport? I mean, come on. I used to feel sorry for her. I really hope she does get the 6 months jail time that the D.A. is talking about. Does she think she is above the law? Because if a normal person was in her shoes they would already be doing jail time. She needs a reality check big time.—Aimee

Dear Liva La Vida Lohan:Of course she thinks she's above the law because that's how she's been treated—so far. How many DUIs does this chick have? Add that to cocaine possession, alleged theft, and a whole heap of charges that she hasn't done time for and obviously she's going to think she's untouchable. That has finally changed."

"Dear Ted:I would love for you to clear something up: If SCRAM doesn't detect prescription drug use, then what good is it? If Lindsay Lohan can get high off 'scrips then she can probably manage to stay away from alcohol and drugs. There are a million drugs she can take without the ankle detector notifying the court. She's just going to get around it like she did before—isn't it a waste of time?—Daisy

Dear SCRAMbled:Weekly random drug testing, Dais. But the real question is: How long you think La Lohan will last? Why the hell wasn't she at least sentenced to a half-way house? This same-old-crap stuff from the courts is a joke. And if L2 weren't a celebrity, this kind of continued enabling would never happen."

"Dear Ted:RE: The Lohan trainwreck. So the court orders her to behave and everyone around her (her lawyer, her mother, etc.) has hissy fits. What has to happen before someone actually helps her? So far the judge seems to be doing the most—and it ain't much! Forcing her to follow through on the bracelet, the drug tests and the alcohol classes will only go so far when her lawyer fights so hard to enable Lohan to continue her downward spiral.—WG

Dear Step One:La Lohan herself has to admit she actually needs help. The newly blond babe is in just as much denial as her enabler mother and cling-on friends—it's going to take more than a SCRAM bracelet and slap on the hand from a judge to fix Lindsay."

"Dear Ted:I just read that the tea Lindsay Lohan swills to "try to keep sober" is being recalled because it has a higher-than-advertised alcohol content. She seems to drink a lot of it. All the so-called sources at Katy Perry's party say they didn't see her drinking at all. Do you think it's possible that the tea set off her SCRAM bracelet? I really, really hope it's something that innocent. I love this girl, and I'm really hoping she cleans herself up. Tell me there's some hope for Linds!—Wanda

Dear Lohan and Behold:The only tea leaves I see in the future of La Lohan's career are soaked. With you know what."

"Dear Ted:Every time a person buys an animal from a breeder, they eliminate a potential home for a stray or other unwanted animal. I know people claim they want to know the dog's personality before they buy, but I challenge them to compare their pricey pet to my mixed breed. No contest. Anyhow, if you didn't have to worry about pesky things like lawyers, lawsuits and upset celebrities, which Blind Vice would you out?—Lorir

"Dear Ted:Could Morgan Mayhem be Jen Garner? I know she's supposedly cleaner than rainforest oxygen and a mother to boot, but no one comes to Hollywood and becomes a star without having to shake off a bit of dirt here or there. I know you can't really out them, but is this even close?—Aiden

Dear Long Shot:Not at all. Morgan is younger and infinitely less sweet-looking, -talking and -behavin'."

"Dear Ted:Lindsay Lohan is everywhere and I'm tired of it. She's like that couple that shall not be named but with a DUI. She's only in the media now because of her partying ways, her DUI and her court appearances...if she can muster herself out of bed. I say we focus less on "celebrities" that only get attention for their antics and focus on those with talent.—Faye

Dead Bingo:Boy were you right, babe, and don't expect for the headlines to die down any time before she gets thrown in the slammer. I suspect Linds will keep up her infamous tabloid ways until the minute she comes face to face with jail."

"Dear Ted:Lindsay Lohan's verdict was justified. She missed court dates and didn't even bother to show up to her classes. This is a wake-up call for her and maybe she needs it. Look at Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie—they went to jail and cleaned up their acts. Granted, Nicole did only go to jail for a couple of minutes, but she has made a complete 180. She's a mother, is in a committed relationship and stopped her party ways. Meanwhile, Paris is now wearing underwear. Jail will give Lindsay the time she needs to focus on herself and her career by herself without anyone in her face, especially her mother and father.—Faye

Dear Jailbird:Agreed, doll! If there's one thing jail will do for Linds, it's get her away from those horrid parents and give her plenty of time to sort out her life on her own, without paparazzi and familial nightmares. The only question is whether it's too little, too late."

"Dear Ted:As I see Lindsay Lohan slipping farther into the abyss, I can't help but think of Gia Carangi. A talented, young woman who found herself in the same sad situations as L.L.. Too many enablers and not enough love.—Bonnie

Dear Cautionary Tale:Good eye...both talented women, both plagued by similar problems. It all comes down to drug addiction in a heady, unhealthy lifestyle. Let's pray Lindsay fares better."

"Dear Ted:If you were to reveal every B.V., which one would have people most surprised? Which one would be the most devastating for their career? And which one would have people shrugging their shoulders in indifference?—Bastiaan

Dear Grand Viceroy:Way to put me on the spot there, champ. Your first two questions garner one answer: the closets! Whether it's Crescent Kumquat, Jackie Bouffant, Nevis Divine or even age-old Toothy Tile, it's always the closet cases that shock. But gosh, I wish they would realize their careers wouldn't be devastated, only different—and maybe for the better. It's a new age. Fake à la Ferocity would, without a doubt, suffer the most career damage if her personal activities were known, and if Morgan Mayhem‘s identity were revealed, I think people might actually yawn."

"Dear Ted:Something just occurred to me watching the whole Lindsay Lohan sitch. She's apparently broke, with no insurance. The 90 days in rehab are paid for by the state, no? I was just thinking, maybe she wanted to get in front of a judge to get the help she needs but just didn't count on actually having to do jail time. That's why she was crying. Am I right?—Jeff

Dear Lo-Planned Out:Jeff, remember we're talking about Lindsay here—a gal who never thinks she does anything wrong and will always blame someone else when she gets caught. Linds thought she would march right out of Revel's courthouse with, at most, a slap on the wrist. La Lohan still doesn't want the help that (we all know!) she needs."

"Dear Ted:In the case of Me-Me Dallas and Morgan Mayhem, is the obvious answer the right one? Or are you trying to throw us off?—Lia

Dear Surprise, Surprise:Uh, I don't think I've been trying to throw you off on those two. Hell, I don't even think they've been throwing you off, what with all the things they're doing in public these days."

"Dear Ted:The people who hired and supported Lindsay Lohan for the Lovelace movie must be freaking out! The chances are, they might sue her for breaking her contract, have you seen all the money they had spent on promoting the movie, way before it started filming? Linds really messed up her second chance (or fifth, can't count them) at true movie stardom.—Rita

Dear True Story:Yeah, L.L. has messed up one too many times. If the director and producers are smart they will be the ones to give her the boot. This girl has serious problems that aren't going to go away overnight, or even in the next few months. Shame, I really want Lindsay to come out on top but I'm slowly losing hope and quickly getting over the same old excuses."

"Dear Ted:Lindsay Lohan has tested positive for cocaine and other illegal substances. Let us not waste time on her trashy mother and her own stupid lies, you know from where all the talk came out, let us concentrate on the idiotic judge and doctors who not only let her out early, and had even given more excuses for her actions. Lindsay Lohan isn't thumbing her nose at the "justice system," she is quite bluntly flipping us the big ol' bird. Straighten up and get help already!—Rita

Dear LiLo-Balled:And we'll see how Judge Fox handles that bird on Friday. But isn't this whole ordeal starting to get just sad. Clearly no one around the babe has the balls to tell her she's out of control. But maybe this time the judge will finally realize that a couple of days in jail and an afternoon in rehab won't cut it."

"Dear Ted:Why isn't Dennis Quaid helping his brother or any other family member?—DNN

Dear Tough Love:Because sometimes letting your fam get through their own crap without getting involved (and subsequently turning it into a media circus) is the best way to help. Lohans, take note."

"Dear Ted:What's up with LiLo's latest rehab stint? Is she seriously trying to lessen the jail time by attempting to seem to sober up? The judge surely isn't so dumb! What's your take? Thanks.—P

Dear Straight Edge:That's yet to be seen, but Betty Ford definitely isn't a place that messes around. La Lohan may finally get her act together, or, hell, it might be too much for her and she'll beg to be put back in the slammer. With how messed up this chick is, she might see it as the lesser of two evils."

Disclaimer

The "exposed" celebrities mentioned in this blog are purely guesses. They are the thoughts and opinions of the authors of this blog in response to reading various gossip columns. Do not take our guesses, or photos posted of our guesses, as fact or as a source of accurate information. We are doing this for entertainment purposes only.

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