General Question

How to deal with divorce?

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about a situation I was in and currently still am. My wife told me she wanted a divorce and so I left. I got a lot of great advice from people on here which I certainly appreciate. She denied ever saying the word “divorce”. Now she’s told everybody that I just gave up and left, which is not true. She won’t talk to me, return any emails or text messages. I have asked her to recosider getting a divorce. This is a person who says everything is my fault, told me that I was the one that needed to make changes and not her. All my friends and family have said they noticed how much she tore me down and broke me down all the time. Even though I can honestly see that now, that doesn’t erase the fact that I still love her. After one counseling session she said she was going to cancel the counseling, come to find out that she hasn’t and is still going by herself. I’m not going to contact her anymore because all that does is make matters worse. I don’t know if she’s even made plans to get an attorney, but I have to assume that she is and so now I’m just trying to prepare myself for the day when I do get served. If anyone reading this was in my situation, right now, would you hold out hope that maybe she’ll call and want to work things out or would you accept it for what it is and move on? I’m just taking it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that I can get over this. If interested, please let me know what you would do. Thank you.

I feel for you and have been there. It takes two to make a marriage work and you alone cannot do it.

I applaud your stepping back and strongly suggest that you find a local divorce support group. It helped me immeasurably to be in the company of others just as blindsided and hurt. I attended one from a church where I was not a member.

There was one member of the group that did reconcile with his wife so the purpose is to weather the storm. To be honest I am not sure how I could have gotten through without that group.

My advice? Get a punching bag and some knuckle wraps and go nuts for a few hours. Think about all this shit and just unload on it. Always makes me feel better.

As far as fixing things or at least settling them, I honestly have no idea. I could make the argument that often in cases like this there’s some work that needs to be done on both sides (very clearly on hers) but you should be thorough in looking over yourself as well to see what can be done from your side. But it sounds like it’s one messed up situation…. and yes, she does sound emotionally unbalanced at the moment.

I was always the fan of the idea of getting into a big fight with my S/O and then mid argument when you’re shouting at the top of your lungs just grabbing them and kissing them and whatnot….. It would either work perfectly and make your problems seem like nothing…. or exacerbate the situation because you have to get into a shouting match before it works.

Honestly though I would take all my advice on this with a grain of salt. I’ve never been married. So my advice comes thru second hand sources and my experiences with long term relationships.

I agree that she wants to make you the fall guy so she doesn’t look bad or have to take any responsibility for her part in the problems or the separation/divorce. I also agree that a support group would be helpful.

You may love her, but it sounds like she is unhealthy for you. I loved my first husband (still do in some ways), but it was a toxic relationship and needed to be ended. It sounds cliche, but time was the best healer. You will probably go through a period of being very angry with her after your sadness lessens. When you begin to feel nothing for her either way, you are golden.

This is just my opinion from person experience, but I hope you are able to find a way to forgive her, in time. Not to release her of responsibility, but because it is damaging to you to carry around the guilt and anger. It is very freeing to let go.

I would suggest setting aside a private session with the therapist that she said she stopped seeing, but is still seeing, and making you look like the jerk who “quit going to therapy” because you want it to fail. Tell the therapist everything that is going on, without her there. Explain that she is doing everything in her power to make you appear as if you want the divorce, when you don’t. Try not to play the blame game like she is doing. Let the therapist know the whole story. Maybe once you’re out of the picture, the therapist, armed with this information, can help her. This woman has ISSUES.

Then, get your own attorney, if you haven’t gotten one already. I wish you the best of luck in getting out of this mess with your skin intact.

I would go to a different therapist and work on myself. I cannot control what anyone else does. All I can do is learn from my own mistakes. If I made a poor choice in this partner, in that she/he is a victim, mentally unstable, etc., then I want to be sure I don’t make the same mistakes again, a shrink will help me recognize that part of myself that made that poor choice and why. Then I can deal with it if I choose. But I will at least be aware of my own tendencies.