You remember where we left our Bachelorette last week, right? A teary, blubbery mess. In the start of this final episode, Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison, clearly heartbroken and still quite disheveled.

“I just want to go home, to be honest,” confesses Desiree.

When Chris Harrison brings up Drew and Chris, the remaining two princes who love love love her and want nothing but to sweep her off her feet, Desiree seems apathetic. But the show must go on, right? Cue the hopeful music and right on time Desiree sings to the tune, agreeing to see Drew and Chris and continue on with the rose ceremony even though she’s devastated by Brooks’ departure. The question on everyone’s mind is whether Brooks will be making a reappearance this episode because, really, how could she all of a sudden act like she’d be happy with either of the two consolation prizes remaining men.

Rose Ceremony – “And then there were two”

At the rose ceremony, Desiree puts on a strong face to tell both guys that even though Brooks has chosen to leave, she does not want his departure to affect the individual relationships she’s established with the two of them. But then she just about begs Chris and Drew to let her know if they don’t want the rose. She’s obviously super paranoid that nobody likes her and she might be unlovable. However, as predicted, they both happily accept, albeit a tad bewildered by the sobfest they’ve just witnessed. (P.S. Is it just me or is Chris looking hunkier than his usual poetry-spouting self?)

Last Date with Drew

On their horseback riding date to the beach, Desiree is somber and sad, which is a stark contrast to Drew’s uppity “I’m so in love” stupor. Drew is ready to tell Desiree that he’s not ever ever ever going to leave her and he can’t wait to meet her family and propose and start their happily ever after. And just after he finishes a toast to being truly, madly, deeply in love, Desiree gives him the tried and true “we need to talk.” Through whiny tears she tells him that she doesn’t know if she can see herself loving him the way he deserves to be loved. And as he sheds a few tears and mutters “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know” in response, he completely lets her off the hook by saying probably the classiest farewell speech ever:

“You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me; it’s not something you control, it just happens. Just because I see something, that doesn’t mean you have to feel it or see the same thing. And, I wouldn’t want that. I would want you to be as in love with me as I am with you. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I don’t know. And I don’t know when it will really sink in but um…I guess this is goodbye.” – Drew, winner of the classiest departure ever award.

Chris

Desiree is hoping that spending some time with Chris will turn her frown upside down. She says that seeing Chris walk up made her feel hopeful and much different than she felt with Drew. Good sign. Chris gives Desiree an “I’ll be there for you” speech, which reminds Desiree that he’s the strong yet gentle soul she needs. They take a private catamaran ride, cuddling, kissing and chatting the whole time. Chris sees this time as validation and Desiree seems to be rediscovering what a great guy he is.

Feeling renewed in her spirit, Desiree is pleased that she continued on with Chris and has decided to open herself back up to the possibility of being with Chris. Still fragile with abandonment issues, Chris says some magic words when he tells her that he feels confident that in their relationship, he never feels like they take a step back and even when they are apart, they are able to pick right back up where they left off. [See, if you recall, Brooks said that their time apart always felt like taking steps back to him. And the time apart wasn’t that hard. So, it’s probably quite reassuring to Des to hear from Chris that he’s not feeling like that at all.]

Chris gifts a journal to Desiree with a poignant quote:

“The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are but the direction of where we are going.”

Whoa. Well done, sir. To top it off, he’s also hand written out all of the poems he’s written for her in the back of the journal. Not my cup of tea, but since it’s something they’ve shared throughout their entire time together, it’s super sweet. And now Des is teary because she feels so lucky that he loves her. Sort of embarrassed, she admits that no one has ever loved her as much as she loved them so it’s been hard for her to recognize and accept such sincere and complete love from Chris. And now she confesses that she feels like a total idiot guilty for not fully loving him before, blinded by Brooks and his luscious locks.

Non-sequitor: Catherine and Sean Lowe are there at the taping with nothing profound to say, but then again, none of the past contestants they brought back say anything of value, so feel free to skip that part if you’ve got it on your DVR.

Meeting the Family

Dad, Mom and Brother are there to meet Chris. He comes across confident and personable, even while Brother grills Chris with a ton of questions. I’m not even sure Mom gets a question in but luckily Dad asks Chris to step away with him for some one-on-one time. Chris makes it clear that he’s felt confident about his feelings for Des from early on before he asks Dad for permission to propose to Des. Dad happily gives his consent but not without a stern warning that he’d better take care of his baby girl. You tell ’em, pop.

When Des sits down with Brother, he asks if she wants to marry Chris and her response makes me cringe: “at this moment, yeah.” Brother isn’t as stupid as he seems and her poor choice of words makes him wonder whether her feelings might change or if she’s settling after losing Brooks. Brother says he likes Chris and thinks that Desiree is making the right choice, which is oddly supportive from what we’ve seen of him in the past. Continuing to be surprisingly intuitive and caring in his questioning, Brother asks about Brooks and whether she’s disappointed and hurt and even ready to go forward with someone else.

The Final Rose & A Proposal

Neil Lane shows up with the rings (the best part, right?) and the one Chris picks is a stunner (but then again, aren’t they all?). Desiree seems excited to know that Chris will be showing up to propose soon, but weirdly decides that before he gets down on one knee, he needs to know the truth about how she felt about Brooks. Is it just me or does that seem like it’s totally going to ruin the moment? Eek.

Chris gives a beautiful, beautiful speech to Desiree and just as he gets the courage to get down on one knee, she stops him so she can tell him that she sent Drew home earlier in the week and that he’s the only one left, he’s the only one who met her family. Yay! But then she continues on, confessing to Chris that she was heartbroken when Brooks left because she was in love with him and it caused her to be torn between the two of them. Boo! But…then she realized that because she was so blindsided by his leaving, she wasn’t able to see what/who was right in front of her the whole time. Yay? And there it is, what Chris has been waiting for: an “I love you” from Desiree. It sure took a weird road to get there, but I guess the point is they’re there.

And after some crying and laughing and kissing and lots of “I love you’s” exchanged, Chris finally gets down on one knee for real and asks her to marry him, to which she happily says “Yes…a thousand times!” (sounds like somebody’s been watching Pride & Prejudice and rehearsing their proposal acceptance!)

With just three gents left, Desiree is in Antigua, which I can confirm is a super romantic place because Mumbles and I honeymooned there. But, I can pretty confidently say that we had a lot more fun than Desiree is about to. Tears, tears, tears. Goodness me.

Clearly, Desiree is more in love with Brooks than the other two fellas…but my hunch is that this is foreshadowing the heartbreak to come because Brooks is the only guy yet to say ‘I love you.’

Drew. I don’t know why but I want to call him Pony Boy. I wish I would’ve thought of that earlier in the season. He’s so boyishly good looking. And Desiree has noticed. I think she’s mentioned his abs like eight times so far. Their date is pretty typical, walking around the town, buying souvenirs, and recapping the Hometown Date. It’s all easy peasy, life is good, let’s be sweet, but it doesn’t feel like Desiree is really into it. Except there’s lots of making out. But, that’s to be expected at this point, right? So maybe she’s into it, but she’ll be over it as soon as the next guy comes along.

To Drew’s delight, their dinner on the beach gets rained out so they head to the fantasy suite early. Drew tells Desiree he hasn’t yet picked out a ring but he was ready a few weeks ago and he feels confident (especially after her meeting his family) that she’s the one. Another unanswered “I love you” from Drew and some ugly kissing. Doesn’t look fun. Doesn’t sound fun either. But the cameras get kicked out and we can only assume what happened next…

Chris is an easy choice for Des. They seem easy and relaxed together, and super cheesy too. All the season are blurring together so I can’t be certain if this is the first helicopter ride this season (seems unlikely) but Chris is stoked nonetheless. They land on the island of Barbuda, which makes me think of Pirates of the Caribbean. Savvy? Desiree gushes over meeting Chris’s family and he assures her that they loved her. Chris and Des making out on the beach, rolling around in the sand…looks a lot less ugly than Drew and Des kissing, I’ll give ’em that.

Over dinner, Desiree wants to talk future and Chris tells Des that he’d like to stay in Seattle — he found a career there that he loves and he can see himself there raising a family there. Des says California is her home because she doesn’t feel home anywhere else but concedes that she’s not afraid to get up and go to make the sacrifice to settle down and so, yeah, after all that, she’d be open to move to Seattle. Des says Chris makes her feel comfortable and their relationship is easy. Chris agrees to the fantasy suite and of course, it wouldn’t be complete without…you guessed it! A poem.

Brooks is wondering why he’s not yet at the point where he feels like he can tell Desiree he loves her. He goes to get guidance from his family in Boise and he’s trying to work through his feelings. He tells his family that he’s really uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to Desiree at the end of this, and, in fact, avoids the question about loving her. It sounds like he wants to be in love with her and maybe wishes he was, but he’s just not. In explaining his situation to his family he answers his own dilemma: he’s not in love with her. But after coming to this conclusion, they all start talking her up and going over how amazing she is. Confusing. Well, at least this show has groomed us to believe this is weird. But if I pull it out of context, it’s pretty normal that this guy might not be super eager to get down on one knee after such a short amount of time. On television. With crazy, staged dates. While competing against other men. Maybe Brooks is normal.

Brooks invites Chris Harrison over to his suite in Antigua to let him down. It’s like a practice break up. Like if you break up with The Bachelorette, you also have to break up with Chris Harrison. You gotta give it to Chris when he just comes right out and asks the question: are you just not sure or are you just not in love with her? Brooks doesn’t have an answer right away but finally tells Chris that he’s come to the conclusion that he doesn’t think Des is the love of his life. 100% sure. Not in love with her. Not going to be in love with her. Ouch.

After Desiree finishes her monologue of how in love with Brooks she is, Brooks shows up and she can tell immediately that something is wrong. They sit down to chat and they’re both tearing up before any words are even said. Brooks takes the long road around and Desiree tries with a sad plea before she finally just asks: how do you really feel? And he replies that he really wants to be madly in love with her and that’s enough for her to know that she had picked the wrong guy. She picked the one that didn’t like her back. She is blubbering and crying and finally tells Brooks that she is in love with him (to which he replies “why didn’t you tell me earlier?” like it would have made a difference?) and announces that he’s breaking her heart. Oh, he knows. And, apparently a glutton for punishment, Des just keeps proclaiming that she loves him. Probably to make him feel worse. Not sure it works, though. Commence Tearfest 2013, starring Brooks and Des. Des is in super self-pity mode and Brooks is beating himself up. Apparently he thought he was a bit more apathetic than he truly is. His limo speech on the way home wishes Des well, hoping that she’ll find love with Drew or Chris, or just that she’ll find what she’s looking for.

Now Des feels guilty because she has two amazing guys who do love her but she can’t love them with all she has to give because she loves Brooks. So, she says, it’s over.

Zak and Desiree seem chummy but not romantic. He promptly explains a very odd dream he had about them melting on a beach but then it starts snowing and then hundreds of kids show up…and that’s the end of that story. Kinda like this relationship. And then it sort of maybe makes sense when Zak pulls up in his family’s sno-cone truck. It could be worse, I guess; dude could be dressed up like a penguin. Oh, wait, that happened too. Kinda reminds me of the scene from The Sweetest Thing when Selma Blair’s boyfriend dresses up like an elephant and visits her at work. Anyone??

Mom, Dad, brother, sister are super excited to meet Desiree. In fact, mom skips over to meet her at the front door. Zak’s family is mortified to find out that he was the lame guy who didn’t wear a shirt on the first night. Makes me feel better to know that his family is embarrassed for him especially since they all seem a little zany themselves. Poor mom can’t help but roll her eyes when Zak confesses that he’s also been totally naked three times on the show so far.

In one-on-one time with Zak’s mom, Desiree seems to really win her over. Sister wants to know if Zak has broken through the friend zone and Desiree assures her that he has, but I’d say that’s a big fat no. What’s she supposed to say? Sister is smitten because clearly Zak is happy but she also clearly watches the show and knows how this game plays out.

Zak tells his mom that Desiree is a really beautiful person – creative and spontaneous, he really respects her and inspires her. Zak and his mom talk about how he’d all but just given up on the idea of love so I can see the Men Tell All episode now and Zak telling the world that meeting and falling in love with Desiree really opened him up to the idea of love again. Right? That’s totally how this goes.

And then Zak’s family breaks into song…Desiree is touched. Or severely regretting the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any alcohol in sight.

Zak tells Desiree that he bought a ring for her in Atlantic City when he realized he was falling in love with her, he presents it to her and tells her he’s in love with her. It’s awfully cute but I feel really bad because I think he’s going home.

In the case of Hometown dates, do you think the playground taunt is correct? Is first the worst?

Drew: Scottsdale, AZ

It’s a stark difference between Zak’s greeting and Drew’s. I’ll give you a hint: Drew’s involves a lot of kissing. This one really went very well but was also pretty predictable. Here are the highlights:

Drew makes good on his promise to bring Desiree along to pick up his sister Melissa who is severely mentally handicapped.

Drew’s dad is a good looking man. Tell Drew to cool it on the hair gel and he’ll probably get lucky with that full head of hair too. Forgot that Dad was an alcoholic, though. Points off for that.

Dad asks Desiree if she believes in angels and explains that Melissa is their family’s angel and that she has taught their family more about love and life than anything else ever could have. Dad says that Drew must have really wanted Desiree to experience meeting Melissa, a display of love and respect he wouldn’t bestow upon just anyone. Clearly Dad fully approves and can see why Drew is so in love with Des.

Mom gives her stamp of approval.

Des says she wants to join Drew’s family and stay with him. Good sign.

Like a giddy schoolboy, Drew tells Desiree that he loves her and he wants her to be a part of his life and his future. Man, if this guy goes home, he is never going to see it coming. He is entranced.

Chris: McMinnville, OR

It’s all woodsy and lumberjacky and Chris has some wildflowers waiting for Des before he takes her to the local little league park where they get in their baseball gear. Chris is super impressed — the girl can hit, she can pitch, she can throw, she can catch, she can run…and she does it all laughing and smiling and looking super adorable. This feels like the most natural and relaxed scenario out of all the guys but it’s also important to Chris since his life has revolved so much around baseball.

When they take a break, Desiree shows Chris some sketches she stole out of Zak’s playbook: drawings of their time together so far. Poetry-loving Chris thinks it’s super sweet. Oh, you two. Peas in a pod.

Chris’s family is very welcoming. In fact, it’s not five minutes before Chris’s dad has Desiree laying down! Whoa whoa whoa there, folks. He’s a professional. Actually, he’s a chiropractor. Dear Desiree: choose this guy. Major perks with free massages and adjustments. And apparently something to do with nasal adjustments…?? I’m totally not sure what just happened but Chris seemed into it.

I don’t quite understand the music that is playing as mom is interviewing Des…it’s like underwater level Super Mario Bros. music. Mom says she likes Desiree a lot because she seems very strong and knows herself and what she wants. Mom cries and gives her blessing to Chris. And the part I think is kinda creepy is when mom shares that Chris was pretty much in love with Desiree before he found out that she was The Bachelorette. That’s weird, right?

Brooks: Salt Lake City, UT

Brooks and his flowy hair are super dreamy. I’ll give him that. Desiree seems very elated to be with him. And, in fact, tells the camera that she loves Brooks and has been excited about meeting his family since their first date. Wow. In contrast, Brooks seems to be struggling with the time away from Desiree and goes so far as to say that “you somewhat forget what it’s like when you’re apart.” Hmm…sounds like he’s pulling back quite a bit. Luckily, Desiree has sensed his lack of confidence and in an effort to remind him that he should love her (he hasn’t said it yet!), she’s logged all of their special moments so far…the hollywood sign, breaking his finger, carrying the bride over the threshold. Maybe Brooks is just super slow. It’s like you can almost see the memories coming back to him…oh, yeah, oh..that’s right. Yeah, kinda like you. I remember now. Hey, you.

Best part of the episode: Brooks literally rocks their boat a little too much and totally soaks Desiree by overflowing their little kayak. Not as suave as The Notebook. Total fail.

Walking into Brooks’s house (think he’s Mormon?) There are so many of them that they’re actually wearing nametags, which I think is awesome.

His brothers ask some really great questions about his feelings toward Des and yet we don’t get to see him answer any of them, which is frustrating. His sister tells Brooks that he should never want to be away from someone he is in love with because it should be his best friend and he should want to do everything with her. Brooks seems surprised to hear this. During his little chat with his mom Brooks seems to open up and confesses that he needs to let down some walls. Not a revelation, slow guy, but again, glad you’re getting there.

Best family comment: “Thanks for not being a huge waste of time.” This guy wins for best family.

Desiree’s Bad Boy Brother is Back

Apparently producers also realize that there’s not enough interesting drama happening this season to keep things appealing, Desiree’s embarrassingly trashy brother is back. She gives him a synopsis of each of the remaining men and while I really wanted to loathe him, I thought he did a good job of “yeah yeah,” “uh huh,” and “okay” responses. Clearly he’s been scorned well enough to know not to make a total jackass of himself on national television again. It almost works. He seems like he’s just trying to be agreeable but he’s still skeptical. At least he wishes her well and tells her that he’s happy she’s in charge of the situation, ending on a good note.

Chatting with Chris Harrison

Chris calls Des out on the fact that last week she told him she’s in love with Brooks, however, Brooks still hasn’t said it to her. Awkward because the other three men have “thrown themselves at [her] feet.” Exactly. Which is why Desiree probably really wants Brooks the most.

Roses:

As the men arrive we see Desiree’s brother creeping out all stalker like in the lobby trying to get a good view of Desiree’s suitors. Seriously, that’s how murder-mystery novels start out, weird guy. It would’ve been way better to pop out and introduce himself to all of them as they arrived just to gauge their reaction. That would’ve been funny. But instead, no drama and straight to the “this is hard” speech and the handing out of the last three roses:

Brooks, of course

Chris, the backup plan

Drew, because he’s so cute

Going Home: Zak, who absolutely did not see a goodbye coming. He looks devastated. Poor guy. Desiree says some really nice things, hands him back his ring and sends him on his way. Zak is super classy and takes it like a gentleman but you can tell he’s too shocked to even realize that he’s heartbroken. He probably really thought that making his family memorize a song for her was going to seal the deal. In the limo, we see a darker, very sad side of Zak. And then we see the limo pull over, the window roll down, and Zak throws the ring out!

Next week: The Men Tell All!

In two weeks: sexy beaches and lots of I love you’s…but wait, there’s also a lot of Des crying and saying she wants to go home. My guess is Brooks bows out. What’s yours?

This week the lady and gents are in Madeira, Portugal. Fancy. But wait, there’s more than just one lady! Three ladies from Desiree’s season of Bachelor contestanthood — Catherine (Sean‘s fiance), Lesley, and Jackie — have joined Desiree poolside for some girl bonding and gossip about the boys. With a handful of left, I wonder if Jackie and Lesley are there to scavenge Desiree’s castoffs? Not a bad plan, I’d say. They even brought binoculars to spy on the guys frolicking in the pool. And that’s the last we see of them for the whole episode. Wonder if ABC footed the bill for those three to get to Madeira. Not worth it, I’d say. Could’ve handled that in a Skype session. But we find out that Des thinks Drew is the best kisser with the best bod and she’s really looking forward to hopping in the fantasy suite with Chris.

This is the week before Hometown Dates so anyone who stays is really in for it.

One-on-One Date: Brooks — I didn’t catch what the date card actually said, but my guess is something about being on cloud 9…because that’s all that’s said for about 5 minutes straight.

Desiree picks up Brooks for his second one-on-one date in a Smart Car…way less awesome than her Bentley back at the Bachelorette Mansion. They take a drive around the island and way up the mountain to sit in the clouds and contemplate how to define their relationship in the in between stages of ‘like’ and ‘love.’

Brooks says he doesn’t have all his puzzle pieces put together yet and Desiree says she likes figuring out if it’s going to work. They get a pretty hot and heavy make out session in whilst “on cloud 9” and cue the yell-from-the-top-of-the-mountain super cheesy sentiment: “we’re on cloud 9!” (I warned you, didn’t I?)

Over dinner they determine that to avoid being grown ups, they should find alternate ways to express their state of relationship and determine that like=walk and run=love. When Desiree says she’s getting ready to run, Brooks looks like he’s physically getting ready to take off, confessing to the camera that he’s a little behind emotionally. Regardless, he tells Des he wants her to meet his family. And then the real fireworks start – actual fireworks, not to be confused with the fireworks Des says she feels with Brooks. This date is just full of cliches and I’m really glad it’s over.

One-on-One Date: Chris “Let’s sea if we can find love here.”

During their day date on a yacht, Chris and Desiree are both extremely pleased to be half naked and lathering each other up with sunscreen, lounging and making out. Not a bad way to start out, I guess. During the picnic portion of the day, Desiree asks what I think is a good question if you only have a few weeks to decide if you want to marry someone: what would your friends say about you/what are you like with your friends? Chris kinda fails with his answer, dodging it by saying he’s the same guy that Des sees just a bit less romantic. Okay, clever, I’ll give you that. But then he ruins it with more poem talk. Instead of just a plain ol’ message in a bottle, he decides that they’re going to write a poem together and put it in the bottle. He says that writing poetry with her isn’t awkward…I beg to differ.

All jacked up on a poetry high, Chris giddily tells the camera that if timing is right at tonight’s dinner, he’s going to tell Desiree he loves her. Their dinner conversation turns to talk about kids (Desiree wants three). When asked about his family, Chris tells Des that what his parents think is very important and they both agree they’d like to meet each others’ families. Deal sealed for Chris. Now comes the big “L” word, but not without some serious fidgeting and sweat. Clearly nervous, Chris decides what better way to say “I love you” than through a poem, right? Desiree seems to really like it, which I guess is all that matters but whoa, for me and BFOTBM…that was a lot to handle. Even if I didn’t have a little baby kicking around in there, my stomach still would’ve been in knots. At least we get a few minutes to recover as they make out. A lot. Followed by a walk in the park, more making out, and Chris telling the camera that he thinks he’s found the one. He sounds pretty confident too…think he’s the one for her??

One-on-One Date: Michael — “Let’s have fun in Funchal.” (huh?)

It’s Michael’s first one-on-one date with Des (never a good sign at this point) and they spend the afternoon walking around town — you know, the usual Bachelor/Bachelorette foreign-place date…sampling some local fare, trying on jewelry, pointing out interesting locales, finding a place to sit and make out intensely. I don’t quite know how to explain what they do next…she calls it a toboggan. I think it’s like a street sleigh/gondola pushed by two guys in white outfits and hats. Looks fun!

Michael knows tonight is make or break so he opens up about his mom and being estranged from his father, not holding grudges, wanting to be a good husband and father himself. Desiree seems appreciative of what he’s sharing but she also looks disinterested and bored. I think she even tells him how nice he is at one point. Ouch. I know he’s trying to work up to saying “I love you” (cringe) but the lead up story is about being heartbroken by his last girlfriend so he doesn’t quite get there…it’s not exactly an ideal pouring out of the heart.

According to Des, Zak doesn’t seem himself in groups and Drew doesn’t let loose enough and have fun so she is putting them both in the hot (go kart) seat, testing them on the track with a challenge between the boys. Zak wins but it doesn’t get him anything but some alone time before Drew. Zak tells Des that this Bachelorette experience has been the best time of his life, which he has chronicled in drawings he’s made for her. He really has to explain some of them and she’s reacting like he’s a toddler who has some crayon scribbles and she’s the babysitter reaffirming how great they are. Zak says he and Drew respect each other so he elects not to say “I love you” because he doesn’t want her to have to get back to their two-on-one date and pretend like nothing happened. Noble of you, sir, but not smart.

During alone time with Des, Drew says that his family is very eager to meet her. He is especially excited for Des to meet his mentally handicapped sister who is unable to communicate through speech. He sweetly asks if Des will accompany him to pick her up when she comes to visit his hometown, to which Des is delighted and moved. Drew may respect Zak but he sure doesn’t care during his one-on-one time because he definitely let’s out a very sincere “I love you” and she most certainly got the message because they spend the next few minutes passionately making out. Glowing and smiling ear-to-ear, the pair practically skip arm-in-arm back to Zak who’s patiently waiting like an oaf.

Des gives Drew the rose because she knows for certain that she’d like to meet his family. Sorry, Zak. This show is called The Bachelorette; bros before hoes isn’t valid here.

Roses:

Drew

Brooks

Chris

Zak

Going Home: Michael, the prosecutor, who gives some great closing arguments but still gets sent away. For life. Okay, that was a little exaggerated. But he did wish her the best with her life. Poor guy gets on the phone with his mom to tell her he’s not bringing Des home to meet her and all mom can say is “here we go again…” Oh, lordy!

Next week: meeting the family with hometown dates, singing, and the return of Desiree’s bad-boy brother.

Barthelona! My favorite city in the world. BFOTBM and I love to tell everyone we lived in Barcelona. Because we did. And we tell ’em every chance we can.

Looks like all the men got the memo that this week’s uniform is a zip up hoodie. Geez. Also, like I mentioned, I missed the last two episodes so I appreciated the little recap that everyone is pissed at James because he’s using the show to get famous, hook up with chicks and get into clubs. I believe it.

One-on-One Date: Drew — “let’s build a foundation for love.”

Desiree scores points for dressing super cute. And Drew is giddy and excited and can’t wait to tell Desiree how excited he is to kiss her. Aww, you’re precious. During their afternoon jaunt about town they stop in at a tapas bar — not to be confused with a topless bar, friends. That would be a whole different kind of show. While there, Drew shares about his admiration for his father, a recovering alcoholic who has cancer. The emotional moment clearly brings them closer together and they both agree that they’d like for Des to be able to meet his dad.

Drew and Des sit down for a romantic dinner and he’s so wrapped up in the moment that he promptly sneaks her away from the cameras to go make out in an alley. Apparently he thought the cameras wouldn’t follow? Hmm…not quite sure. But, either way, it’s super hot. And the bold move shows Des a side she hasn’t yet seen so reserved, shy guy Drew wins the rose. And then more making out.

After he locks in his rose, solidifying his camp in the romantic territory just outside the friend zone, Drew decides to tell Des that James is not here for the right reasons and recalls the conversation he overheard. And that’s pretty much what you get to hear about for the rest of the episode, so if you’d like, you can skip to the bottom to find out who gets roses and who goes home.

I’m super excited to see that the group date is in Sitges. It’s a gorgeous beach town not far from Barcelona. I’ve been there twice and it’s just lovely. Absolutely worth the train ride. Even if you’re jam-packed on said train with a bunch of sweaty, gross, non-deodorant-wearing Spaniards and European tourists. But it’s totally worth it. Also, you should know that I’ve never seen better looking men anywhere in my life than in Sitges. Gay, mostly, but ridiculously, crazy good looking. Seriously. It’s a good spot.

Speaking of good looking…Juan Pablo is feeling confident on the soccer field, scoring on the professional women’s team that Desiree has teamed up with. After about 15 seconds, the buzz of the goal sound is getting kind of annoying. We get it: the girls are good. And James is the goalie that just stands there and claps when the girls score. Even Kasey the Zac Efron look-alike isn’t impressed.

At the post-game party, the group is uber tense because everyone wants to duke it out with James. Verbally. He’s huge. No one wants to pick a fight physically. Side note: Chris seems to be a bit of a goober. Like Bill Nye, the science guy. With a soul patch. I don’t quite get why Desiree busts out a poem. But, oh, does she. Bill Nye thinks it’s beautiful. He even says their love scale is rapidly rising. Seems like a good fit, you two.

Meanwhile, Zac Efron and Federal Prosecutor guy confront James about his offensive conversation last week with Mikey about his odds of being the next Bachelor and all the fun shenanigans they could get into with other women. James is not necessarily denying it. Prosecutor informs James that his words sounds more like an audition for Jersey Shore than anything. James is now super angry…like Hulk status.

Next, Zac Efron approaches Desiree about the whole James situation and as opposed to Drew’s makeout situation to secure himself a seat in the romantic area of the dating pool, I think, sadly, Zac Efron has put himself in the shallow end of the friend zone. Sorry, bud.

When Desiree tells James that she believes what the other guys have told her, his first instinct is to cry. But, he pulls it together long enough to make an argument that it was all Mikey. He even swears on his dad. In fact, the guys are ganging up on him because they’re all threatened by him. I’m not quite sure how the conversation flips to both of them crying but instead of being mad or telling James to leave, Des just asks to take some time to think about it. Weak.

One-on-One Date: Zak

For their date, Zak and Desiree are sketching a model and I almost wish the guy would’ve taken off his clothes just to make it interesting. But, I’m pregnant and without wine to make awkward, tense silences bearable, I’m a bit relieved that the most awful thing so far is a drawing Zak does of Desiree. Wow, that’s ugly.

Zak says he loves art and goes to a lot of museums but, still, when the naked dude does appear on a pedestal in front of him…well, it’s just not his favorite idea of a date, I think. Mine either. He’s such a good sport and still having so much fun. To liven things up, he changes into a robe himself so that he can get up there in the buff for Desiree to draw him. He was kind enough to keep on his briefs, but it’s still very impressive…the man looks good with no clothes on.

Their evening dinner is maybe the coolest ever…in a cava cellar/cave. Gosh I miss wine. Zak opens up about the type of guy he is so Desiree can get to know him better. And then they make out a lot, earning him the rose. Zak confesses to the camera that he’s in love with Desiree, and Desiree tells the camera that she’s enamored with his adventuresome side. I see heartbreak in Zak’s future.

James, in a polite way, asks Drew for his take on this whole situation, which is commendable. And Drew, like a knight in shining armor and protective boyfriend, is trying with all his might to explain to James why absolutely everything he’s saying is not appropriate for their current situation. Now trying his luck with spinning his story to Desiree, James is talking himself in circles, which seems to be working quite well. James is smug when he gets back into the room and the guys are still trying to make him see how he’s been disrespectful. It doesn’t work and it all ends with everyone more frustrated than ever.

Roses:

Drew

Zak

Chris, Bill Nye the science guy

Brooks

Michael, the Federal Prosecutor

Going Home: Kasey, Juan Pablo, James

Next week: Madeira, helicopter rides, horseback riding, kayaking, fireworks, boat rides, making out beaches, drama with Drew (?), and a lot, a lot of crying.

The group of fellas gathered, waiting for Desiree’s suitors look fierce. They’re here to play dodgeball! Yeah! And these guys are from the National Dodgeball League. Did you know such a thing existed? I hope someone starts throwing wrenches. “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”

Someone’s getting hurt, right? You can just totally see that coming. As soon as the balls start getting thrown…ouch. Looks painful (but very entertaining to watch). After some serious welts and deflated egos, I’m sure, Chris Harrison saves the boys by announcing they’ll play each other instead of the hardcore pros. I know I’m not the only one a bit disappointed.

The boys suit up, they’ve got the headbands on, short shorts and tube socks pulled high. Awesome. I love how serious it gets. After a short while, it’s down to Chris and Drew…and blue team wins. Yay! Except, it’s best of three and next thing we know, the red team wins round two. At the start of the last round, Brooks goes down with an injury and all we see is a bloody hand as he’s whisked away to the hospital. Now it’s down to Chris and Zack, the two pro baseball players…it’s intense. Zack nails Chris and is thus hailed a hero. (read: lots of man hugging and dog piling).

Winners get an after party but Desiree declares them all to be winners so just like AYSO soccer, everyone gets to play. Except Brooks who is at the hospital all by his lonesome.

Brad pulls Desiree away for some one-on-one time to share that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. His mom and brother help him raise his son. He says the relationship with the mom was uber bad. Like drinking problem, Brad getting slapped with a domestic violence arrest and restraining order (which was all dismissed..whew!). Not pretty. But, hey, he seems normal despite the fact that he chose to procreate with a crazy lady. Let’s hope his taste has improved.

Chris surprises Desiree with a walk up to the roof where they get a great view,good conversation, giggling, they’re dangling their feet over the ledge…so romantic, right? But the dude totally fails to go in for the kiss. Chris thinks he’s totally got the rose on lock but uh oh, who arrives at the last minute? Brooks!! What a champ! He looks a little drugged and he’s still in his sexy sport attire (which reminds me even more of Russell Brand for some reason) but he still gets a kiss for getting injured. Whatever works, bud. Every broken bone should come with a good story. Later I’m just as surprised as Brooks is pissed that he broke a finger and didn’t get the rose because Chris was right and he won the rose!

Not just a rose winner, Chris gets extra time with Desiree and a private concert by Kate Earl. And they dance and kiss and sway and smile as all the other guys get to look on in a jealous rage.

One-on-One Date: Kasey — “Love defies gravity”

Before her date, Chris Harrison calls with “bizarre” news about one of the guys so she hops in her Bentley and cruises on over to the mansion to lay into Brian, who apparently has a girlfriend back home. But wait! She’s not back home…she’s here!

Best tweet of the night: “It’s never good when Chris Harrison shows up without a date card or a butter knife.”

Girlfriend’s name is Stephanie and he says their relationship was in the past but she said that he invited her to come to California with him, she has a son, they were together the day before he came for The Bachelorette. In fact, even as he denies everything he’s calling her “babe.” Oh, and apparently they just slept together two nights before he came on the show. I really wish with every fiber of my being that Desiree would just excuse herself to go have a good time on her date and let these dramatic folks deal with their own horrible lives. The guys inside looking on are right: “this is stressful.” The best part is when Stephanie just looks over at Desiree and pretty much says “he’s not an honest guy.” Yeah, got that, thanks.

Kasey has a great attitude about hoping to turn her day around. I like him already.

“If the lady says she wants to dance on the side of the building, we’ll dance on the side of the building.” — Kasey, a smart man.

I love that he’s being super cute and supportive, encouraging her and telling her how good she’s doing. Just darling.

Their dinner is set atop the same building they spent the afternoon dancing on…and gnarly wind kicks in ruining their intimate conversation, knocking over candles. So, hey, like I always say: when in doubt, get in the pool. So they jump in…except, it’s freezing. Ha! That’s the worst. So, really, what I always say is: when in doubt, just make out. So they do some of that too.

Winning more totally cute points, Kasey assures her that their date needn’t be perfect, he just likes spending time with her. Desiree heads back into the treacherous winds to retrieve the rose for him.

Instead of Desiree’s Bentley, a horse-drawn stagecoach is there to take the fellas to their group date. Their group date they’ll be working with the stunt coordinators for the new movie The Lone Ranger. Very cool. The boys go through cowboy boot camp learning how to gun sling, lasso, and fight. During their cowboy competition, Dan’s pants rip. That’s funny. Also, Juan Pablo, the Spanish cowboy…totally pulls it off. Super hot. He wins. As the winner, he gets a private screening in a barn of The Lone Ranger with Des. And like any date with a sexy foreign cowboy, Desiree and Juan Pablo spend most of the movie in a steamy liplock session. I think he’ll stick around for just that reason.

Desiree gets a bit impatient with Bryden and has to help guide his way to kissing. But hey, once they’re there, he thinks it’s awesome.

Zak W. seems like too much of a jokester for Desiree to take seriously. He has to apologize for what sounds like an awful failed kiss attempt earlier in the day. We don’t see a redemption there but whatever. He’s intense and probably going home soon.

James seems maybe a little too enamored with Desiree but he’s sweet. He shares that he’s worried about his sick dad back home but he’s really trying to submerge himself in the experience with Desiree. He wants Desiree to tell him that she’s interested so he’ll feel like his time away from his dad is worth it. He comes off a bit insecure but Desiree is smitten with his big guy, big heart softy side. All she can think to do is to show James that she’s serious by giving him a rose, proving she wants to get to know him more. And just the cutest thing ever: when she presents him with a rose, he offers her a daisy he picked. Aww, you’re cute, big fella.

Pool Party

Instead of a cocktail party, Des is coming over for a dip in the pool. Ben decides to meet Desiree in the driveway for a quick getaway. The other boys at the pool party are sad watching Des and Ben drive up kissing in that car. I think all is forgiven when Desiree gets in her bikini. Except, Mikey is pissed again when Ben lies about getting one-on-one time…so once again, he confronts Ben. Michael comes too. And lawyer man profoundly declares that he and Ben are not going to be friends. Ben does not seem sad about this.

I get the pillow out to cover my eyes and ears when Brandon pulls her aside because I’m just so worried about him breaking into tears. I feel a restraining order coming on. The whole conversation escalated really quickly. You didn’t mishear it: he definitely did just tell her that he’s falling in love with her. And went in very abruptly for a kiss. And all she can do is laugh because, yes, this is her life and this really is happening. I hope she doesn’t give him a rose tonight because I just don’t think I can handle this for any more episodes.

Rose Ceremony

Chris

Kasey

James, the big softie

Bryden with the Lloyd Christmas haircut

Juan Pablo, the sexy Spaniard

Zak W.

Brooks with the broken finger

Drew

Zack K., dodgeball champ

Brad the dad

Michael G.

Mikey

Ben

Going home: Brandon (thank goodness…gotta nip that in the rosebud – pun intended) and Dan. Dan says a classy goodbye but Brandon is really upset and heartbroken. Gosh, can you imagine how that could have escalated in just one more week? Eek. Bullet dodged. But, Des is trying to be nice and walks after him but he’s already crying and angry and she’s trying to let him down nicely but it’s not helping. She just keeps apologizing and he just keeps feeling abandoned. Seriously, they need to reconsider keeping therapist on full time for this show. Oh yeah, and I’ve already forgotten about Brian and his girlfriend who are probably causing a ruckus working their way toward angry hate sex when they both get back home.