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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Oh baby!

If someone threw me into a boxing ring or an MMA octagon, I wouldn't last one round, much less two. Sure, I'd get a few flailing punches in but after two minutes, I'd probably curl up in the fetal position and sob until they called the fight. But I survived round one of growing our family although there were a few times I curled up in the fetal position and sobbed but I got back up before the ref in my head called the fight.

Now I'm training for round two. By training I mean gaining weight, wearing nothing but leggings, eating shit I haven't eaten since high school, like Taco Bell and McDonald's and let's not even talk about bodily functions.

Okay, let's do.

Nausea - You know that horrible stomach cramping you get with food poisoning that comes with dizziness and headaches? Now imagine that all day every day for weeks on end. Good times!

Vomiting - I hate vomiting, always have. Now I can vomit at the drop of a hat, make dinner, set the table and carry on a conversation with a toddler about Frozen for the one millionth time.

Hunger - When I'm pregnant, hunger takes on a whole new meaning. I get Hannibal Lecter hungry. If I find myself in a meeting and it's been three hours since I last ate, I start making that Hannibal Lecter noise with my tongue and lips. I start eyeing body parts on people and imagining bacon or spare ribs. Yummy!

Sleep - This also reaches a whole new level during pregnancy. I get so tired, I get serial killer tired. If you're talking to me and I want to take a nap, and you keep talking, within five minutes I've come up with twenty ways to kill you so I can go take a nap in my car.

The ironic part of pregnancy is that growing the baby is the easy part. Once the baby is out, the sleep deprivation, constant crying and hormonal imbalances make a girl wish she was still pregnant.

I'm super blessed to be able to continue to grow our family with what will hopefully be a second healthy baby soon. After this round, instead of those oval bumper stickers people place on their cars that advertise 13.1 or 26.2 miles, I'm going to get one that says, BIRTHED TWO HUMANS AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET A FREE T-SHIRT.