Saturday, November 28, 2009

I think at this point the folks who play with Legos are getting up to the level of the Jim Henson people for me. Who's with me for creating some kind of business that allows us to play with toys all of time time? Anyone?

Here's a link to Legomatrix.com so you can check out how they made the frame-accurate remake of the scene in legos in 440 hours (!). Check out the FAQs, they're pretty sweet.

I searched all over the web for a famous quotation about planning that I could throw up under this pic, and found nothing suitable. No quote with enough epic-ocity. No quote that could quite capture how amazing this dude is. Here's a quote for you: If you want to be awesome, plan like this guy did.

Ok, that quote blew donkey balls. But you get the point: this guy is awesome.

At least that was one man's logic when he jumped into Finn the European brown bear's enclosure at the Bern Park Zoo in Switzerland. Finn loved the picnic idea so much that he immediately pounced on his new friend and started feasting on him.

Sadly -- and you might want to grab a tissue for this part -- police came to the man's rescue and shot Finn the bear with these horrible fragmentation bullets that splinter inside the target and make it so that veterinarians can't operate on the poor beast.

Finn is still alive, but no one knows for how much longer since he can't get the medical attention he needs. Meanwhile, the asshole intruder is probably going to live. Here's his picture, so if you ever see him on the street you can throw picnic baskets at him and call him a stupid bear killer.

Earlier today it occurred to me that I'd never seen a baby dolphin before. Well, thanks to YouTube, not only have I now seen a little baby dolphin, but I've also seen it actually being born. And it's just as vomitous as every other mammal's birth.

Matthew Roberts probably shouldn't have gone looking for his biological father. Knowing since the age of ten that he'd been adopted, Roberts did just that. He eventually found his birth mother who told him that during a drug-fueled orgy Charles Manson had raped her and planted his seed.

Matthew has been in contact with Manson since learning the truth and says "He sends me weird stuff and always signs it with his swastika."

Monday, November 23, 2009

I know I've been gone for a while, so I just want to take time out to say: Fuck you, turkeys. You stupid fucks. According to the guy on the message board, you don't know how to drink water or even fuck each other. So fuck you --you caruncled bitches. Around this time, cute local news anchors always bring up the fact that Ben Franklin wanted the Turkey to replace the eagle as our national bird. But that's bullshit. Franklin just put that in some crazy letter to his daughter that made no sense. Some guy just drew a shitty eagle that he thought looked like a turkey and he wrote that the turkey would've been better anyway because it "would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Gaurds who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on." What a crazy asshole. I don't know if that passed for a joke back in the eighteenth century, but it sure makes no sense now. Turkey's are total pussies. Franklin also loved electrocuting them and eating them. He also loved hookers.I know you all hate turkeys too, which is why we're going to eat, like, all of them on Thursday. But, beware. The shittiness of turkeys can get you--even from within!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Although Ewoks may be primitive, their hearts are disproportionately large for their tiny frames. The galaxy may have been placed under Imperial subjugation had it not been for their role in the Battle of Endor. They are known for their courageousness, their industriousness, and their compassion.

Thank you, Al Roker, for showing us their other side... their Dark Side... full of booze, moon-walking, and rabid dry-humping.

Friday, November 20, 2009

NPR: "One of the great mysteries about North America is what killed off woolly mammoths and other exotic animals that roamed the land after the last ice age. Ideas have ranged from a comet impact and climate change to human hunters. A study published Friday in Science Magazine provides new clues about this — cleverly deduced from samples of a fungus that grew on the animals' dung."

See, this is exactly why I've been pooping into time capsules for the past 12 years.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

You think it's about the guy getting his jaw broken into 40 pieces. But it's not.

It's about the oblivious red-headed kid in the front row. It's about the baby that is using this distracting opportunity to fly away from her father. It's about the grandma who is so frightened that her nipples are obviously hard. And most importantly, it's about the guy two rows back, who, like you, is just enjoying the show.

Before you go off on how utterly disrespectful it is to shoot an amateur rap video featuring a bunch of girls booty dancing on graves, hear me out: I firmly believe that these girls have stumbled on a terrific idea!

Think about it, the most action a grave sees is a fresh bouquet of flowers once a year. Can you imagine how great it would be if the cemetery sent out a group of booty dancers to go shake their asses on your loved one's burial place once a month? How awesome would that be?! Personally, I'd dish out an extra $50 a month to the cemetery if I could host a raunchy dance party literally on me.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Everyone knows that otters are evil. That's why the only reason you should watch all five minutes of this baby otter tumbling around the carpet is if you're plotting its death and studying its weak points. (Otherwise you're just as gay as the song that's playing.)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It all started when I ran out of things to call a friend on his answering machine. So I called him "Captain Banger." It came from nowhere, I thought. I just blurted it out. Then he started calling me Captain Banger. And the character just spiraled off into our imaginations --a sea of endless possibilities. But, as the Good Book tells us, "There is nothing new under the sun." Indeed, there was nothing new about Captain Banger --Vanity of Vanities! Sure enough, Captain Banger exists. And he's exactly who you think he is. Make sure to check out all nooks of this wonderful page. It should really be printed, laminated and placed into a time capsule ASAP. Anyone know an Eagle Scout in need of a final project?

You know, the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, the Louvre and baguettes are great, but what France really needs is a hamster hotel for humans. Well, thanks to hotel owners Frederic Tabary and Yann Falquerho, France now has it all.

For the super low price of $150 you can sleep in a haystack, feast on hamster grain, and get your heart pumping by running in the giant wheel JUST LIKE A REAL HAMSTER! (It's not mentioned in the article whether they lay newspaper down for you to poop on.) And while we're on the subject of what's not there, where the hell are the plastic tubes? If I'm gonna dish out 150 bucks to sleep in my own filth, I at least want to be able to crawl through a winding path of tubes.

Personally, I'd rather stay in a reptile terrarium with a heated rock to lay on and plenty of pinkies to gorge down (and maybe a fog machine for atmospheric purposes).

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I have been blogging this for years. I will keep blogging it until every child in the land can recite it on the spot --like the pledge of allegiance or that hot dog song.It's the best thing ever. There's alligators and mullets and one Indian's pledge to avenge his dog's untimely consumption by a giant saurian. The best part is that the singer, Chief Jim Billie, basically invented Indian Casinos. He also wrestled alligators, flew Ferdinand Marcos' jet and generally ruled the world for a long time. Now he's pretty much broke --or dead, I dunno. Awesome...just every kind of awesome...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hotlanta! It's not easy being a member of the thin blue line anywhere. But with all these goddamned hustlers on the street, it's a wonder that any of these chiefs managed to look so dashing. I'm looking at you, W.P. Manley (1897)--what a stash. But check out the vice page. I mean really. Check it out. Now scroll through this page [use your finder Apple/Cntrl + F] to search the word Hustler. I didn't even know that hustling was still a crime in this country. I thought it involved just being a cool, resourceful guy. So I called the Atlanta Police Department. The kindly peach on the other end of the phone explained that it involves "you know...selling the females." Apparently, down south: hustling = pimping. So what did all the people arrested for "pimping" do? Is there some distinction? She didn't know. And neither does Lee Gooch --hustler extraordinaire. Too bad I have no way of getting in touch with the bold civil rights warrior you see in the video above or her momma, for that matter. She probably has some inkling. Ah, the mysteries of Hotlanta.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

El Jefe has just received an email from the Trocadero Theatre announcing the worst concert in the history of music: Dashboard Confessional with opening act New Found Glory.

It's like the founding fathers of emo are convening in the nation's first capital to...I don't know...draft a Declaration of Emopendence?

So if you feel like subjecting yourself to a night of boys with ridiculous bangs wearing eyeliner and painted-on jeans (with wallet chains and all), by all means get yourself a ticket this Thursday. Me, I'll be at the hardware store jabbing screwdrivers of varying sizes in my ear trying to silence all the whiney voices.

Slow Loris can be a pain. He always moves his lips when he's reading and when he loses his keys (which is like every five seconds) he gets mad and blames you for moving them...which you totally didn't.
But when he does this thing with his elbows, you just love him. I mean, he's the cutest thing around, right? Wrong. Those elbows are death taps.
Go ahead, kiss him. Hug him. Then just close your eyes and wait for that sweet dose of murder to ooze down his hypodermic fangs.

Ever wonder what happened to Crispin Glover?
This thing pretty much tells the whole story.
After Back to the Future II, poor Crispin blew all his Back to the Future money on a mountain of cocaine. Then he snorted it, and sank all his remaining assets into a bizarre Clown Fantasia. This piece of shit was his white whale. Yar...

I feel pretty good about this snake. He's alright, I think. You know? I think this is good. I like doing new things. Feels good. Good way to start the week...and fkjdldjla;ldldsjafk;djl;sajkfdllfk;jd;llllllllllllllllll;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

When I was 13, I bought the FM 21-75 US Army Survival Manual at Barnes and Noble. It is a very stupid book. It seems especially stupid when read by a chubby 8th grader living in the suburbs. The greatest threat to my survival, at the time, was the risk of masturbating so much that my penis fell off and I bled to death.
The stupidest passage in the book occurs on page 26 of Chapter 7 [Wildlife for Food]. The subsection is labeled "Beaver." From here, I will only quote the Army.

If there's one thing El Jefe won't tolerate at Los Internet HQ, it's sexual harassment. To ensure that we treat each other with respect and dignity, this helpful sexual harassment video is shown to every employee on their first day. After all, it's impossible to be productive when your coworker's constantly propositioning you to rub fat cocks together.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Oh, where to begin? Firstly, this sinks any arguments about the virtues of the Vietnam war. The fact that we used a TOMAHAWK in a pointless war in the middle of the 20th century makes us bad. The fact that we're now nostalgic about said tomahawk pretty much makes us the worst people in the world. Once you get past the whole yuckiness of the concept, this dude is amazing. He's the guy you picked on in middle school and sometimes wonder about. What ever happened to that helpless little chubster? He's manufacturing tomahawks baby. And he knows how to use them.

Local news blows. Right? Wrong. Once again, Canada rubs our dicks in the dirt. This motherfucker wrestled a bear. For a local puff piece on a restaurant. And look how angry he is in the beginning. What the shit? If Canada's gay mustachioed TV anchors have these kind of balls, imagine what their lumberjacks could do to us?

I love that people on YouTube are getting on this kid's case about wearing a watch in the shower. Poor buddy can't catch a break these days. But look at the bright side, Wesley, at least your head smells like a really fresh vagina!

I know what you're thinking: Hey, it's Los Internet writer, Bonerkid! Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not. This happy woody comes courtesy of Belgian TV show, Neveneffecten, which I nevenheardof till today. From this little glimpse here, though, it seems like I've completely underestimated Belgium's awesomeness. Well played, Belgium, I suppose you do have more to offer the world than delicious waffles.