Sheryl Crow knew something was off when she forgot the words to "Soak Up the Sun" at a Florida concert last month, but chalked it up to her [super-hot] old age: "I'm 50, what can I say? My brain's gone to shit." Well, turns out, Crow—a breast cancer survivor—actually has a benign brain tumor called meningioma, which affects the brain's protective lining. "The singer sounds casual, saying her doctor said not to worry about it, 'but it gives me a fit.'" When reached for comment, some actual crow was all, "CAW! CAWWWWW!" which I'm pretty sure means "Get well soon, Sheryl" in bird talk. [USA Today]

Debra Messing has filed for divorce from her husband Daniel Zelman after nine and a half years of marriage. Apparently the pair has continued living together, along with their eight-year-old son Roman, despite being emotionally separated for the past two years or so. Anyway, Messing is ready to make it official. If you can think of any possible way to make this story funny or interesting, please leave it in the comments. [E!]

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Twenty-year-old Scout Willis has been charged with two misdemeanors for using a fake ID (name: "Katherine Kelly") and underagedly drinking a beer (type: "Pakistani"). Willis's lawyer is hoping to have the criminal charges squashed: "It would be outrageous to mar a person that's clearly going places—clearly seeking to have a career...with a criminal record." Crime advice: If you're a celebrity child who has appeared in one million tabloids and looks like a freakishly uncanny hybrid of two incredibly famous movie stars, and you're trying to pull off a fake ID, NEVER FORGET YOUR FALSE MUSTACHE. [People]

Amanda Bynes, entitled nutbag, has officially been charged with a DUI, plus, allegedly, "[refusing] a peace officer's request to submit to and/or complete a chemical test to see how much-if any-substance was in her system." She'll be arraigned tomorrow morning. This afternoon, Bynes asked the President of the United States of Fucking America to please intervene, since he obviously isn't busy: "Hey @BarackObama...I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end." [E!] [Twitter]

Since everyone knows that hot people can't be creepy, Halle Berry's ex Gabriel Aubry just went ahead and followed some lady into the bathroom to offer her the use of his sexual penis. The gasts of all bystanders were thoroughly flabbered. [Radar]

According to Noomi Rapace, entering the set of Prometheus was like "stepping into Narnia." This is because costar Michael Fassbender is secretly part goaty faun. [Just Jared]

After dropping out of her treatment program because she "just couldn't do it," Teen Mom's Amber Portwood is sentenced to five years in prison. [Yahoo!]

Evelyn Lozada, who apparently is something called a "Basketball Wife," wrote a letter to her seven-year-old self and then shared it exclusively with the Huffington Post (because her seven-year-old self has a time machine and loves aggregated cultural commentary): "You'll make no excuses for your actions, as a matter of fact, you'll find yourself in tears at the Ah-ha moment Star Jones forces you to have." [HuffPo]

Speaking of Star Jones (I'm sorry), Star Jones's ex-husband Al Reynolds is currently living at Sherri Shepherd's house. This story would be so much better if Star Jones's ex-husband was Mal Reynolds. [E!]

Billy the Exterminator has been arrested on suspicion of possessing "synthetic marijuana," which is a thing I have never heard of before, and I am familiar with HELLA THINGS. Anyway, hopefully his lawyer will be able to exterminate his guiltiness, or some fucking pun like that. [Yahoo!]

Steve Carell addressed Princeton's class of 2012: "You are young. And because of that, you are wrong." [Us]