Kevin Frisch: Lessons in journalism -- and snakes

Thursday

Jun 25, 2009 at 12:01 AMJun 25, 2009 at 6:11 AM

I spoke to a college journalism class this past semester and was asked what was the most interesting thing I had learned over the course of my career. In truth, the lesson that has been seared into my conscience deeply and vividly after these many years of life in a newspaper room is this: Watch out for snakes.

Kevin Frisch

I spoke to a college journalism class this past semester and was asked what was the most interesting thing I had learned over the course of my career. I imagine the students expected to hear something about the need for a free and vibrant press, or the difference between a dependent and an independent clause, or that if you put vodka in a water bottle you should be very careful to write your name on that bottle if you leave it in the company fridge.

But in truth, the lesson that has been seared into my conscience deeply and vividly after these many years of life in a newspaper room is this: Watch out for snakes.

It's true. I've seen enough wire stories to know: If there's a man in the story, and a snake, things are not going to end well for the man.

Take 29-year-old E. Heng Chuan of Malaysia. That's what a python did.

The rubber-plantation worker stepped out his back door early one summer evening and was promptly killed by a 23-foot-long python that (Editor's Note: If you've ever made one of those how-would-you-least-like-to-die lists, you're about to change you top five) squeezed him to death, then tried to swallow him. Head first.

I recall The Associated Press transmitted a photograph to go with the story. Our editorial policy, however, prevented us from publishing it. That policy: Anytime, upon reviewing a photo, more than three members of the editorial board throw up, we shall withhold publication.

Mr. Chuan had the distinction of being killed by the largest snake ever sighted in Malaysia (sighted, unfortunately, by everyone but Mr. Chuan).

Now, if you're an average American, you're thinking two things: A) Where the heck is Malaysia? B) We don't have giant killer pythons in this country, so what do I care?

But when I say "watch out for snakes," I mean all snakes.

Whereas poor Mr. Chuan was simply in the wrong place (inside a python) at the wrong time (when the python was hungry), there are other ways to meet one's demise at the hands of a snake, if you'll excuse the zoologically inaccurate metaphor.

We may not have giant killer pythons in America, but we have rattlesnakes. And Alabama. And people who live in the latter and don't know enough to avoid the former. Let's let the Associated Press explain:

"ANNISTON, Ala. — One man died and another was hospitalized after the two men had played catch with a live rattlesnake."

Now, if you're an average America, you're thinking two things: A) Where the heck is Anniston, Ala.? B) Were they drinking?

How did you know!

According to press reports, the two men — Joe Buddy and Junior (I'm leaving out the last names because there's no telling what the families of men who throw around live rattlesnakes would do with a live columnist) — had indeed been hitting the bottle after a day of farm work.

Authorities say the outcome might have been more positive had the men driven directly to the hospital instead of calling for an ambulance (not to mention the part about not getting drunk and throwing around a poisonous snake).

Eventually, the journalism class moved on to other topics; the students asked about things like parallel construction (it's like parallel parking; fewer people than you think do it well), contemporary jargon (it be whack) and citizen journalism (it's about as creditable as citizen architecture).

I could tell they appreciated learning about the profession of journalism from a seasoned practitioner. In fact, several of them came up to me after the class, pens hovering above notebooks, eyebrows arched in expectation, all with the same question: "Tell us some more snake stories."