Wednesday, September 18, 2013

… no matter what you do, there’s always something, isn’t there? This week’s been pretty rough on us. Between refereeing family fights to finding out that something ELSE is wrong with our car, not to mention being sick for a few days (at least I got some writing done) and breaking the forum, it’s hard to keep telling myself that things are going to be okay. I guess maybe it’s karma for saying that it couldn’t get much worse, right?

I give up. At this point, I wonder if we’ll be able to keep our house at all. Eric’s been practically begging at work to get more time in, I’ve been calling everyone under the sun trying to get my foot in for a job (ANY job), and yet, nothing at all, which is not surprising, all things considered. People who have worked steadily for years with college degrees can’t get a job around here, so why would a stay at home mom who hasn’t worked outside the home have a snowball’s chance in hell? Then we find out, too, that Skylar’s been having a few issues at school, which isn’t entirely surprising since he’s older now, but they’re telling me that if he doesn’t straighten up, they’ll remove him from school, even though by law, they have to keep him in school till he’s 22 if that’s what we want. Then it gets to me because we still haven’t filed for guardianship of him, and that’s just a bomb waiting to explode right in my face, but we don’t have the 1000 bucks to file for that on top of everything else.

Positivity? What the hell is that? I feel so stupid for having said that, at all. What’s the point? What’s the point to any of it? As far as I can see, it’s hopeless, utterly hopeless. A few people (God bless you) have helped us, and we appreciate it so much, and yet, every time I turn around, it’s something else. Now, suddenly, the lights in my car are going haywire, so it’s another trip to the shop because they don’t sell dashboard light bulbs at the auto shop, and honestly, I don’t know that that’s the actual problem since my side turn signals in front don’t want to work, nor do my taillights stay on as they should with the daytime running lights. We changed all the fuses, did all the troubleshooting we could think of or find on Google, and nothing works, so it’s back to the shop, paying for repairs with money we don’t have.

I feel like I’m just beating my head against a brick wall and there’s just no help for it, and when I stop to think that Christmas really isn’t that far away, well, I don’t even want to think of it. We bought our kids each one or two things last year because it was all we had, and this year isn’t going to be any better. At least they’re older, and they can understand that we don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I’m just ranting because it all just feels so very wrong right now, and when I think that we only have until December 3 to get all this crap done, it makes me feel literally sick to my stomach. That’ll be a hell of a Christmas present, right? I wish I thought it was funny.

Anyway, the point of all this is just to say that if I suddenly disappear offline, you’ll know why. I feel like maybe I’m being punished for the things in my life that I’ve done wrong, but that doesn’t make sense because, if that were true, then why would my family have to pay for those things, too? Then I feel like my brain’s going to explode, and all my ‘friends’? They’re too busy to help or have too many other things going on that they don’t have time to take a moment to even ask me if I’m all right. That sounds bitter, I know, and it probably is. The thing is, I really do try to be a positive person. I try to encourage people the best I can because just a little encouragement can go a long way, but I can’t help but wonder why it is that so few people ever try to be there for me like that. I know, I sound like a big whiner right now, but honestly, I really just don’t know anymore. I try to tell myself that the good Lord knows what I can and absolutely cannot take, and that there’s a reason for everything that happens. Lately, though, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that.

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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Well, she did it, of course. My “wonderful” sister-in-law called the housing authority on us. Luckily, we were able to get the biggest threat under control (the mold) so the inspector only saw a very small portion of it, but he said that if he could see it, it meant that it was growing in the ceiling, so we have to pull it down and reinsulated it. Then he did see other things and gave us 90 days to fix the things or else (he’ll condemn our house). The other wall needs to be replaced, the floor in the kitchen provides a grave risk (he said), and those things have to be done within 90 days. I’m not gonna lie. I was pretty upset for a few days, but I decided that I would rather try to be optimistic, so here I am. The cosmetic stuff isn’t pretty but it can wait. It’s the structural damage that the inspector pinpointed, like the weakened floor in the kitchen because of the leaking roof and the wall that didn’t have mold but is caving in. Unfortunately, it’s a support wall, so we have to replace it or the entire thing could come falling down.

Eric’s hours still haven’t picked up, but at least the rumors that there might be another round of layoffs has been dispelled. We were pretty worried about that one :/ Between doing things around the house and stuff, he’s been pretty well exhausted, and I feel bad for him.

To be honest, it’s been pretty difficult lately to remember that I’m worth anything, given the things that have been happening. It’s like being pushed down so often that you start to wonder just what you matter to anyone, and I know deep down that this feelings comes from my frustration at my inability to write. I mean, I can write, but I literally don’t have the time to do it like I want to, and I realize more than anything, that writing is a kind of therapy for me—a way to get my feelings out in a constructive way so that I’m not taking those same emotions out on the people around me. I’m pretty sure that this is the crux of my problem, and yet, until we get the house fixed like we should, there’s really no help for it.

We also found out that my mother has a tumor on one of her ovaries, and the doctor said that it’s a good five inches (yes, inches) in diameter. She’s awaiting result from a biopsy, and we’re hoping that it isn’t cancerous because at her age and present state of health, she’s not a candidate for surgery. I’m trying not to think about this, too, because, well, it’s a lot to take in, and as much as I’d love to go see her, we just don’t have the money with the house repairs that have to be done.

So we went to the bank to beg for a loan, and that didn’t work out. With Eric’s reduced hours, our bills have been paid a little later than they should be, and with our credit already the way it is, there’s nothing they could do for us. Like I said, I had my days of feeling sorry for myself and all that. I’m hoping that things are starting to move in the right direction now. I mean, it really can’t go any further south, IMO. It can’t, right …?

Trying to stay positive to keep my sanity in check, and I’ve managed to get a minute or two here and there to jot down a few words. As a small thank you for those who have been so gracious to us, I’ve posted the first chapter of Mikio’s story on Media Miner. I know it isn’t much, but it’s all I’ve got. I’m praying that, with help, we can get this stuff done within the 90 day deadline before the next inspection so I can get back to the things that I love to do, the things that make me feel like I’m worth something, and I hate to do so, but I will ask once more, hopefully for the last time, for help. If we could do it on our own, we would. We already sold my desktop PC (so I’m using a rather old laptop, but it’s all good) and everything else—our CDs, movies, anything that could help us to fix our house in time—and we just have nothing left that is of any value. Sad but true, I even sold my entire InuYasha collection, the whole thing. I just have nothing left to sell or trade or anything. We’re truly at the bottom, and yet, I feel this sense of hope that since we’re down here already, there IS nowhere to go but up. If you can help us now, you have no idea how much this would mean to us, how much your help so far has meant to us. If you can’t, I understand that, too. In any case, I thank you for reading this post, and I thank you for your emotional support! This whole year has truly been one of the hardest of my life. I figure that things can only get better from here.

Or log into paypal and click on the Send Money tab. My email is sueric1111@gmail.com