Let's see how shit my luck has been this week. So I posted on Monday that my class outing got cancelled right so that was the shitty thing of the day other than the very difficult anatomy & physiology paper. And I'm doing like two of the hardest modules IN ONE SEMESTER NEXT SEMESTER. Tuesday I went out with Nature. We got soaked in the rain and out plan to do some rooftop photography got cancelled and we had nothing to do until our 5:10pm James Bond movie so we decided to watch Our Times instead. No regrets because that movie is amazing - and I cried - and he's actually super adorable (I'm referring to Hsu Taiyu hjdkfbksdgf) I admit at the start I was like okay so this is the guy everyone's going crazy about? And then like ten minutes i'M LIKE yEP I'M PART OF THAT EVERYONE. I shall download that and keep it in my hard disk. Speaking about hard disks, I bought Seagate Backup Plus Slim in Blue I think? And it's arriving December 11 so I hope it lasts long!! I had a WD My Passport and then it crashed and I lost EVERYTHING including my Japan trip photos and I got so angry but being the optimist that I am, I kept it and randomly, two years later (aka this year) I tried it and it started working again so I quickly transferred out everything into the Toshiba Canvio Connect that I have but lately both are abit crazy so that's why I bought a new one and I can hopefully make this one last long... Anyway how the hell did I go from talking about my bad luck to hard disks?? Okay yeah so I got drenched in the rain so watching the movie was just... cold. I was freezing and my shoes and socks were wet it was a pretty gross feeling. Oh another shit thing that happened was that the Carousell seller I bought my Adventure Cove tickets from, forgot that I paid for AM Mail (because I need the tickets asap) and she sent it out by normal mail. #SUCHLUCK

Let's talk about Wednesday. Wednesday's the only free day we had (my malay clique lah let's call it that) I had to postpone my outing with Farah to Thursday so I could go out with my malay clique. I was all excited, met up with Dina and Nadiah at Macs to have breakfast. Insyi texted saying she can't come. So we were all bummed because she's practically like the life of the group. We ditched our karaoke plan and decided to go iceskating instead. Paid $20 and then after three rounds, I fell, landed with my wrist at a weird angle and sprained it. Some guy came up and offered to help (thank you) but I said I was just gonna sit there for a bit. It hurt like a mothertrucker. My friends skated up, asked if I was okay and the angmoh supervisor/trainer came up and asked if I was okay and I'm just like yes I'm okay and he asked if I could move my hand and I wiggled some fingers and he said that I'm strong because I wasn't crying and after sitting there for like one minute I stood up with Nadh's help and then skated to the side wall and then my hearing faded and I was just like "Shit guys I can't hear" and I just kept repeating that so I kinda just wanted to go out of the rink and take a seat so I just started to skate step by step to the entrance/exit and my vision started fading and it was exactly like the time I almost blacked out after 2.4km in JC1 so okay being in an iceskating rink was 10x worse but I made it and I just sat on the floor and rest my head against some railings and that was the worst part of my day and it hurts so bad up till now sigh. Oh and I also broke my watch because I accidentally hit something and I also thought I was locked in a public toilet at the Punggol Bus Interchange toilet and I panicked and knocked on the door frantically before I realised I turned the wrong handle but yes that was the shittiest day of this year I think - the other one being my A Level results day lol

So I got home, realised that my wrist is legit sprained and I can't go Adventure Cove with Farah today aka Thursday so.... yes, that's the end of my very shitty week. Farah says it's retribution for cancelling on her twice. Once - postponing our outing from Wednesday to Thursday, and second for cancelling on her because I sprained my wrist.

Here are some photos.

Today is the 4 year anniversary of 5SOS/since Ashton joined the band as their drummer so yay.

Onto serious things.

The Sam Pepper "prank" he posted recently is just absolute bullshit. I don't understand how that can be a prank, I don't understand how his bestfriend of five years can be a part of it, and I don't understand how that's even remotely funny. I'm just like ?? wtf ?? and the prankee is eventually okay with his best friend "pranking" him like that? I would never do that to a friend. It's mad. It's honestly just utter madness and Sam Pepper is mad and I obviously have a shitty vocabulary which consists of only the word "mad" and "shitty" so yeah idk what are your thoughts?? Watch the video here:

And lastly, the Fazura incident. She's a Malaysian actress I think and what happened was that she posted a picture with her friends and someone commented "Mcm kimK yg dpn tu" which basically, for my non-malay franz who read my blog, means "The one in front looks like kimK" aka Kim Kardashian and that's an obvious fact/short form but Fazura took it the wrong way thinking it's a malay curse word and refused to apologise. Look at this and this. She refuses to provide a simple apology and literally everyone says kimk/kim k and like she even capitalised the K in her comment so it's really Fazura's fault for being so ignorant?? Somebody even commented that Fazura has her own tv show on E! (It's called Facing Up to Fazura LOL) and she's unaware of a very wellknown shortform for Kim's name??? She says she hates hypocrites but lol.

Okay bye gonna continue my tv show marathon bc life sucks when you only have one hand

I'm mildly pissed right now because I got kicked out of my shower. Basically my uncle comes over unannounced like all the time ever since he started working in Singapore and he usually leaves by 8:15pm and now's 8:07pm so I figured okay, I'm gonna take a hot shower because I'm bloody exhausted and finals has ended and I just want to relax a bit. Two minutes into my shower, my mom yells from outside the door saying my uncle needs to take wudhu to pray Isyak before he goes to work (he does night shifts) so I'm yelling back like "So you expect me to just leave now?" But being the nice person that I am (most of the time), I get out of the shower, put on my towel and go back to my room. Mom has the audacity to glare at me as if I had needed to ask for permission to take a shower in the freaking bathroom?? There's three toilets in the house goddammit!! But okay, explanation done, let's talk about the good stuff!!

NUR1114 & NUR1113 were alright. I had my last paper, NUR1117 today and on the way to school (with Nadiah/Insyi/Dina), I bumped into Serene and Ania and GOD if you know me, you'd know I find it so difficult to juggle when I'm with like friends who don't know each other. But it worked out fine. The paper though.... that was just absolutely horrendous but I'm glad that's over so I shall not dwell on that. There's still the clinical attachment in which we have to achieve 75% of the skills in our handbook so that terrifies me a bit. But I have my Easties with me so it's good I hope I can do the skillz.

We were supposed to go iceskating as a class outing but some people couldn't make it, some people weren't interested so we switched it to lunch instead. Vic came later and most of the class left until it became just Shao, Vic, Serene and me. After changing our plan like three times, Shao left to go home and Yassar joined Vic and me and we watched The Good Dinosaur - which is an amazing movie (I cried like twice, but I've been extra emotional lately so never mind that) then we had dinner together and talked tons hahaha and yeah it was a pretty cool day and then they had to leave, Vic had plans with another friend and Yassar had to go somewhere for something (wow vague I know, I just don't want to reveal too many details that aren't mine to tell) so I headed home!!!

Anyway there was one part that was funny:

Vic: Tiara, you're mixed right?Me: Huh no?? I'm pure MalayYassar: Guys guys if I were to be smooth right, I would say "Yeah you look mixed! A mix of sugar, spice and everything nice *smirks*

Vic was so done with Yassar hahahaha she didn't even think it was smooth

I look like such a third wheel in this one..... Like you could literally crop me out and the picture will look completely fine.....

I'm so tired I can't wait to sleep. There's an exciting week ahead so I'm very happy!!!!

Okay before I get back to studying I thought I'd write a little about what's on my mind. I don't usually write about religion but here goes: I was on Facebook last night and came across this video. Let's see if I can link it. Okay found it!! Basically this engineer is proposing to build a mosque, and these anti-muslim audience at the meeting were being really rude. And the engineer said "The worst part was not necessarily that the gentlemen were expressing their opinion in such a way, but was that people started clapping and cheering, and that's what I was more taken by." One of the other old men who spoke said that because of the attacks in Paris, they all have this view that Muslims are evil, all Muslims are evil and I just feel like it's so unfair.

This is nothing new, of course but it gets me so mad that when a Muslim carries out an act of terrorism, the entire religion gets blamed for it. But when terrorists of other religions do it, they're just a lone wolf, you feel?? I mean I guess most of the time when Muslim extremists do bad things, it's "for religion" - but they're extremists, they take things to the extremes and I would hardly call them Muslims anymore because their way of thinking is so warped?? Their behaviour basically distorts everything that Islam stands for. And white extremists usually just shoot up schools and buildings so they don't usually have a religious motive behind those acts of terrorism? You don't see people blaming these extremists' entire religion or race!! 94% of terrorist attacks ARE NOT DONE BY MUSLIMS. Yet, muslims are the most heavily targeted on with people almost perpetually chanting “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims.” or like in the case of the video above, "Every one of you (Muslims) are terrorists." Throughout the video I felt like screaming "EXCUSE YOU, WHITE MAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOUR RACE/RELIGION HAVE KILLED??" Obviously I'm not one to advocate blaming based on just generalisation but that's basically what these anti-muslim people are doing towards Muslims!! It's just so dumb for these people to hate on Muslims so much for what a minority of Muslims - the extremists - have done! It's like they're completely ignoring what people from their own religion/race have done! A study conducted by the New America Foundation says that white extremists have killed more Americans in the U.S. than Jihadists since 9/11. Okay, non-US: Anders Breivik slaughtered 77 people in Norway to further his anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, and pro-“Christian Europe” agenda as he stated in his manifesto. But did people start saying all Christians are terrorists?? -- In fact, even the suggestion that Breivik was a “Christian terrorist” was met with outrage by many, including Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly. Anyway, let's see... "An initial court-ordered psychiatric review concluded that Breivik suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, but a second review diagnosed only “dissocial personality disorder” and “narcissistic traits.”" Oh and hey!! He got accepted into the University of Oslo!! Since when did we start publishing achievements of terrorists??

How about Buddhist terrorists?? Jewish terrorists?? Actually I can't even be bothered anymore. Read this article and this as well. The world is always going to be like this. It's just so easy to hate on Muslims right?

To end off on a lighter note: ... Watch this cat video!!!

Or if you're not into cats, then there's a dog video too!!
Until next time, adios xo

My whole life, all I've wanted was to satisfy my parents. Most people want that. You just want to see them happy, and of course being an Asian kid, or well, I guess race doesn't really matter because all parents just want to see you have good grades, grow up right, and just be an overall decent kid. But now I'm just getting sick of it, I guess. Nothing I do is ever enough, and nothing I do will ever be enough. I just feel like my parents are never aware of how much they hurt me. None of it physical, but it hurts all the same.

For the past five years or so, it's just gotten increasingly worse. I've been taught to hate myself, to hate how I look if I'm not the "ideal" body type in my father's eyes, to be disappointed in myself endlessly if I didn't do something right or did badly in a particular exam. I just don't like that. I don't understand how my parents could ever think it's okay to constantly make me feel like crap, and then ask me what's wrong the next day as if they don't know they're the cause of it. I don't understand why you have to enforce your ideal body type on us and hate on every aspect in which I deviate from that ideal type. Why can't you teach us to love ourselves, and appreciate what I already have? Why can't you be okay with the fact that I'm fatter than the norm, why can't you tell me that it's okay and that I shouldn't have to feel less than I'm worth just because my appearance is not up to society's standards, up to your standards? Losing weight or even getting motivation to work out is already something I'm struggling with, and when I finally feel comfortable in an outfit I choose, I'm happy and confident and the next thing I know, you're spitting out words that make me feel so undesirable, so horrendous that I'd rather stay home all day than go out. It's so hard to even believe my friends now, when they say I'm pretty. Am I really? Are they saying that because that's what I want to hear? Is that even true at all? Do they really think that? I hate thinking like this, but it's warranted because if my own blood, my own family, my own parents don't think I look nice, why should my friends? I've seen so many plus-sized people who're confident and strong and beautiful, brave enough to wear whatever they like. And it shouldn't have to be a case of whether or not you have the courage to wear what you desire, it should just be because you want to. And I want to. But every single time I pull myself up to go out into the world and be myself, you do everything you can just to bring me back down.

Why do you do that? I just don't understand how you're supposed to be my family but you're the source of my unhappiness. I could be okay. I'm struggling, but I could be okay. I could, if you would just stop hurting me all the time. I'm literally the nicest daughter you have, but now I'm starting to believe that there's no point in being nice at all. Do you really despise me that much to want to destroy every little moment of happiness I get? Is that just how you both are? All I wanted was to make you happy, but all you've done is the total opposite for me, and then you claim to be the perfect parents everyone would want to have, just because you're able to provide me with necessities. Stop trying to change me, why can't you just love me the way I want you to? The way I need you to.

You refuse to see what you're doing to me.
You'll never get it, and that's because you don't want to get it.

School is over (kind of) and I have three papers left starting the week after next's Wednesday and it ends the following Monday. My exams are all e-exams, held in one of the UTown's auditoriums and I've never even been to any of the UTown auditoriums... Good luck to me, I guess.

We ended school rather early yesterday so we went to Jurong to get lunch and then to Nadh's house to just hang out. Nadh was going to miss the damai meeting because she has this concert to attend so the rest of us went back to school and oh my god did I mention that the shoes I was wearing gave me a blister and when I was walking to school, the blister broke so I was in so much pain I dropped by 7eleven to get plasters and then I put on like five plasters to cover it and it was okay, I guess? The damai meeting was alright. They separated us to our allocated seats - yes, allocated seats - and you all know I'm not exactly myself around strangers but the people around me were nice enough. I realised that I'm bad with names and faces when I'm nervous. And I found out that I'm the i/c for the publicity and welfare subcomm, which terrifies me but I hope I'll do okay. And of course, I met the boy I have a crush on (fingers crossed he doesn't read this) and nothing happened but still I was happy just seeing him!!! I hope we get past this awkward/shy stage soon?? Or is that being too hopeful? I guess I'll just hope for the best lol BUT omg what if my dad's right and I'm just like shiok sendiri and he doesn't like me like that at all...

Anyway I got home and tried to cover up the broken blister properly, so I took some gauze and prodine and I was gonna put it on and then my mom walked in and offered to put it on for me so I said okay. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most painful, how would you rank putting prodine on an open wound? ... It was an excruciating 15. Then she helped tape up the gauze and wow that was painful. It's mostly dried up now when I removed it earlier.

Anyway, my friends like the music I listen to?? I Hate U I Love U by Gnash, is one of them. Chivalry Is Dead by Trevor Wesley is another. I recall when Nadiah said she first heard the song Billboard by Jacob Whitesides in my June Favourites video and she got Crystal addicted to it as well back in the OG days. And then like a couple weeks back, we were talking about it and she said she actually heard the song first in one of AwesomenessTV's videos so idk what's the truth but oh well whatever, it's a nice feeling to be appreciated for introducing good music to your friends.

And I decided to catch up with The Originals right, and of course, I madly obsess over Phoebe Tonkin who's #goals in every way and then there's Elijah who's perfect and then my new OTP: Aiden & Josh (I'm a sucker for cute couples) I also adore Hayley & Jackson, though I wanted Hayley & Elijah to be together. Okay I just read that Aiden is dying in this episode or the next that I'm watching. Heart-wrenching. Aiden is getting flowers for Josh because they're planning on running away. Screw you Dahlia. Screw you, you stupid witch, for messing with people's happiness. Okay, she just... ripped his heart out.

They were happy literally ten minutes ago. Josh just found Aiden's body. Wtf is Klaus doing, he just claimed to have killed Aiden wtf you didn't do it, why did you say you did?? Goddammit, Klaus.

Zalora finally, after what seems like an eternity of waiting, emailed me saying they received my exchange request, so I guess I'll be receiving my size 8 shoes on Monday, or Tuesday. And my US stuff, will be arriving on Thursday, or Friday. Shopping bans suck, but knowing that the stuff I ordered a while back is arriving soon makes me happy.

I woke up today, finding out about all the shitty things that's going on in the world. Why does this happen? Why do people go around thinking you can solve things with violence, and terror, and murder. This makes me sad. This is terrible. I'm thankful to be waking up safe and comfortable every morning while many others are out there, terrified for their lives almost constantly. I know wishing for world peace is so cliche?? But I honestly do wish for it. I wish we could all just be happy and live together in peace.

I suddenly remembered something and didn't want to forget so I figured I'd type this out. I had lunch off-campus last week and when I came back I called Nat and asked where they were. I went down to the science canteen and sat with them but I had no idea what was going on haha I left literally for two hours and came back and had no clue what they were talking about but Nat/Vic said that Yassar was saying "it's been awhile since I've had a non-'all boys' clique" and then Shao said "it's been awhile since i've had people to have lunch with" hahahaha ugh it was so much funnier at the time.

We had a meeting with the seniors yesterday. On the extreme left is Mr Sam. He's nice. So it's just us, the year twos and threes - we're all from TG4 (tutorial group) and omg so we had this game where we write a question down and put it in a hat or a bag whatever and we went round a circle picking a random slip of paper, introducing ourselves and then answering the question. Vic got "Is there anyone you're interested in in nursing" and truthfully her answer is no but she asked me if she should just say yes or if she should just be a mood spoiler and say no. She said "Maybe I should say yes and that it's a girl" so I went like "No, say yes and that she's very pretty." So when her turn came, she said exactly that!!! "Yes, and she's very pretty" and Mr Sam was thinking for a moment and then he was like "Huh." So after Vic was Char and then it was a complete circle already so Mr Sam was supposed to pick the most interesting answer so of course he chose Vic ahhaha then he's like "I don't think I'll ever forget that. But is it true? Is it really a she?" and Vic said she was joking haha oh well that was a fun night. And Mr Sam is actually really good with names! I introduced myself once and he actually remembered my name at the end of the night.

Anyway. Thursday - final exam for my comms module - it's an interview I have to conduct with a standardised patient so good luck to me. Then Friday is the last day of the semester. Reading week, followed by 3 days of exams and then I'm done!!! Okay not really, since I have clinicals from 7th to 18th but WTV bye can't wait for China I think I'm leaving on the 22nd unless we're sticking with the original plan of 19th. Burden submission of documents. Burden school who says I can't leave the weekend of our final clinical week. Bye

I haven't posted a blog entry in over a month. I have my first final exam - for my communications module - next Thursday. Next week is the last week of school, before reading week and then it's finals week. This semester has gone by fantastically fast. I'm not exactly in the mood to mug, which I know is bad, but instead of moping around I'm doing sorting out some stuff. Anyway, Nadiah tweeted today about Leroy Sanchez who I haven't listened to in quite awhile, and it's always amazing to see someone grow over the years. I'm listening to his cover of Sia's Elastic Heart. It's great. Great is an understatement, actually.

Anyway, I feel like such a mess recently. I've been feeling down and uninspired and I have to get out of this funk. It's always during this period of the year. I haven't decided if it's just the end of the year of it's specifically exams that always make me feel this way. Oh wow sorry I just left for an hour - I'm in the middle of sorting out all my files. All the lecture slides and stuff, I'm neatly putting them in folders. I hope with an organised laptop, I'll have a decluttered mind as well haha. Anyway both my portable hard disks have acted up occasionally so I'm thinking of getting a new one. I have like one WD hard disk and it died in 2013 which killed me, but it came back to life this year when I tried it again. I have another hard disk from Toshiba, and it's good but it gets crazy sometimes too. I just need a good one, c'mon. Both are a terabyte each which I find more than sufficient. I'll add that to my wishlist. Nabs asks me every year for stuff that I want. She ends up getting me something different all the time, but it doesn't hurt to have a wishlist and it's like up there ^ right under my header but here's a link anyway. I'll update it soon.

I can't wait for finals to end. 30th November. Then clinicals. Then winter break (my birthday!) And then university starts again.

Here are some pictures. I know y'all are suckers for a blog post with pictures. Let's go in chronological order.

We signed up for The Walking Dead: Mission Survive, but because of my number three enemy, the haze, it got cancelled. (If you know me well enough, you'd be able to guess who (or what) are enemy number one and two.

I met up with this amazing person called Juzan. I hope her A Levels goes well!!!

I went to celebrate Nabs and Sid's birthdays. Eli is off paying for her stuff.

Friday (yesterday) was plaid day. So of course, a class photo isn't complete without an attempt to do a "squad goals" pose. // If you're on your phone, open this picture in a new tab and zoom in to Natalie's face hahahahahaa (she's the one in grey jeans, front row) Don't hate me Nat ily

And a more formal one. Two seconds before this picture was taken, Shao yelled "Can you stop being weird" because I tried to put my arm around his shoulder hahahaa so look it's around his waist now!! I guess I'm just used to being the tallest among my friends and always putting my arm around shoulders instead of waists but hey I could get used to this? I look like a damn potato gfdi I love my classmates, they're awesomeballs.

We went to Vivo after school to celebrate Nadh's birthday. Insyi and I look like the parents of this family astagha

Actually no, this one looks more like a family photo.

This pose does not suit me. I tried.

Endlessly thankful to have people in my life who make me smile and laugh. They make life a teensy bit more bearable. Thank you.

The train just left Kembangan. I'm on my way home alone from town because Farah went off to meet Shasha. I've been thinking a lot the past few days because well, what else is there to do? (Don't say study) I had my first CA on Monday, it was an e-assessment with fifty-two MCQ and we had one and a half hours. I finished it in a half hour and spent the next twenty minutes checking my answer and waiting for Vic to be done with hers so we could leave the lecture theatre. It turns out that she had been waiting for me too lol oh well. Anyway, I got my stethoscope on Monday as well and now I'm beginning to think that it's a boring colour. I went home with Nadiah and had dinner at Gelaré at White Sands. Farah came by to join us too! That was nice.

Tuesday was a strange day. It was all okay, really. We had our FON tutorial, then we lab. We were learning about the nasogastric tube. I pretty much suck at the entire procedure. I went for lunch with Vic but I didn't eat much at all. Then we headed for comms tutorial and that was when everyone started asking me if I was okay. That was weird. Vic insisted I tell her what happened, but nothing happened so I kept telling her that. Even Dr Shefaly asked me if I was okay. She said that I wasn't my usual smiley self and I seemed quiet and down. I was okay. We were doing the role playing, as always in comms tutorial. Yee Yean and I were the last pair to do our interview and I had prepared for it by doing research and shit so we went out and I started asking her questions and halfway through my mind just blanked. I couldn't think of anything and I was right in front of the entire class and like I'm cool with all my classmates so why would I just blank out like that? I panicked, of course and just started heating up - my blood was probably starting to boil - and I just muttered "Oh my god, what am I supposed to say... Oh god, oh my god" and that went on for what seemed like forever before I just asked "Do you have anything else to share with me?" And she said no so I just went like "Thank you for your time, I'll call you when the doctor's ready to see you" and the class clapped and I got the feedback. I don't think anyone mentioned me just freezing right there. It was just how my questions weren't building up to anything and how my posture was pretty tense or something. Dr Shefaly said I wasn't in the right mood. Class ended then so I went home with Serene. She was heading off to SMU to study with her sister so she left me at City Hall. It's always nice to talk to her, I feel. Wow that was the weirdest sentence structure ever. I went home and changed into my usual t-shirt and shorts and got in bed to watch Joe Sugg play The Walking Dead on Xbox. I'm pretty addicted. I got an email from Dr Shefaly which said that she hopes I'm feeling better and that I wasn't my usual self at tutorial and that she was concerned so she dropped me an email. She proceeded to say that no matter what happened, I should stay focused and keep moving. She ended it with "Stay awesome!" I'm incredibly grateful to have her as one of my teachers in university. I've literally never had a teacher who's so caring and understanding. NOTHING HAPPENED ON TUESDAY THOUGH so I just replied that I'm alright and thanked her for being the best teacher 5ever.

Dr Shefaly replied again in the morning saying she's glad I'm okay 😂 So I woke up pretty early on a non-school day and got ready and headed to JCube with Farah because we wanted to go for the free iceskating because it's free today for all university students but when we reached there, it was fully redeemed because it's only limited to the first 800 per day?? Then we walked around JCube which had nothing so we went to town and I didn't buy anything and so we left and now I'm home and today was pointless lol

Maybe I'm just having a bad day streak, hopefully it'd be better!! I think this year has been good so far. I haven't been too terribly stressed or upset. It's a pretty okay year. I hope the rest of the year would be pretty okay too!

I haven't talked much to the guy I have a crush on in like... two days or specifically like 35 hours or something hahahah I know I should probably initiate conversations but I'm so bad at that unless I already know someone a few weeks at least, you know?? I mean I've known him for quite a long time but we haven't like spent time together physically/irl lol WTV I'M PATHETIC I need to stop crushing on guys who won't ever like me back. He's probably studying or doing assignments or some shit. I should do my assignments too.

---- I'm home now and it's 9:10pm

Vic and I are gonna Skype later for our presentation next week!! I should probably try to finish my assignments asap. Yassar finished all the assignments we have already?!?!? So fast right?? Some of my classmates haven't even started.

Anyway I've been using Spotify a lot recently?? Because I have that premium trial that's gonna expire late October so I decided to try it out and I like it!!!! I made two playlists that I really like!!

This is going to be a quick blog entry because I want to try to finish my NUR1114 assignment today and get started on anatomy/physiology revision. I've been slacking so much. Anyway in nursing, a lot of emphasis is placed on reflection so I've been thinking more than I usually do, if that's even possible. I'm always thinking or overthinking shit. I've been thinking a lot about what a friend said and I told him that I think your self-worth lies with you. I feel like I should be "good enough" for myself, by my own standards. Nobody should be able to tell me what I'm worth. If I feel that I'm the very best version of myself and I'm good enough for myself, then that should be good enough for the people around me.

Right now I'm struggling with self-hatred and it's difficult to get to the stage where I like myself or accept myself because I've been taught to hate my body or the way I am throughout my teenage years. I feel that it's extremely important to be okay with myself because then nobody can put me down. I hope I achieve that soon. You know that quote, "You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself." I personally find that stupid because I love hard and I love a lot and I've always loved other people more than I love myself so how can that quote be true?

I've decided that I'm better than they deserve. They never admit their faults, they're always just pointing out mine. I'm a good person, I am. And I try to be better all the time. It's just sad that you choose to dwell on the bad stuff all the time. I think I deserve better than that. Do you even know what you're doing to me? You don't think... you never do.

So I have a crush on a boy. It's pretty new, I guess. It's just been a few weeks. I've been staring at this page for ten minutes thinking of what to write but I can't seem to think straight. He's really funny and smart and witty and I don't know, I don't know why I literally just started liking him. Why now? Why not three months ago? Or last year? Ugh I sound like such a five year old right now, I'm sorry. I rarely never see him in school, but that's expected because we're in different faculties and university is huge as hell.

I guess I'm intrigued. I want to get to know him. That's easier said than done because I'm incredibly shy and also super awkward with anyone who I'm not close to. And I tend to fall for the shy type too, what a joy. So Farah once said - okay, not once, she tells me this many many times - "you'll never get what you want unless you ask" I tweeted that today. What I want is... you. It's bizarre because technically I don't even know you, like at all (unless social media and everything on the internet counts... probably not) I feel like maybe I'm not good enough? Not smart enough? Not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? Do you think about all that? What's your type? I'll never know.

I wish I could detach my heart from my brain right now. I feel like I feel too much, and I think too much as well. It's like I'm always on overdrive. This is probably the shortest post in quite awhile, I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words. Summary: I'm interested af, but shy af

Tip: don't fall for boys who probably won't make the first move if you're shy

I have fallen sick. I rarely fall sick. Now my throat hurts, my nose is running like a tap & I have headaches. Thankfully, there's no school till next Monday. I'm stressing over my FON assignment - that's Fundamentals of Nursing for anyone who doesn't know and I'm doing hardcore research haha but it's alright I think I'm just going to close all those tabs and continue the assignment another day. It's going well!

Let's see what happened today. I reached school early and then sat at MD6 Level 4 (they have a sofa and a few soft chairs there hehe) until 9:50 before I headed to my tutorial downstairs. It was kinda boring and my topic with Vic this week is confirmatory tests for both types of stroke and the hospital protocols for this kind of stuff. We had lab after that and it was all about oral hygiene and feeding so that was boring. Wow I think everything is boring. After lab, we all went to the ALCNS building to collect our uniforms, scrubs and nametag. I look............ ok. (I'm slowly learning to not self-hate so deal with me, guys) Dina looks so good in her uniform and scrubs, I'm so jealous. I'll put in a picture of me in all the uniforms after this. I went for lunch with Vic and then we just hung out a bit before heading back to MD6 for comms tut. I actually completely adore Dr Shefaly: her confidence, her humility - just like her entire being hahaha, she's so kind. We ended early at like 5:30pm and she said she'll continue ending early for us as long as we finish what we're supposed to do!! I wanted to go home with Serene since she's my only Pasir Ris bud and she was skipping hokkien class but she needed to drop by UHC to do something so I just headed off first!! Met Yassar and Charmaine on the way down the stairs and I was walking with them and then suddenly Char went into the NUH building then in my head I was thinking like oh she needs to drop by a shop or something?? (I WAS SO BLUR HERE sorry I was like half-awake) then I asked Yassar where he's going and he said he was meeting a friend so I was like "Okay I'll walk with you" since it was heading towards Kent Ridge anyway then he asked "Where are you going?" so I replied "Home" then he's like "Then why don't you go with Charmaine? She's going to the MRT" so I was just like stunned there I don't even know what was going on with me then I was like "Oh bye" then ran off towards Charmaine and she basically thinks I'm a goondu now probably ah but anyway I'd rather walk outside than inside NUH after school so that explains my initial decision to walk with Yassar okay? Okay, I'm a goondu. I've never used that word. GOONDU. I stood on the train all the way till Kallang or something then sat and slept all the way back. I feel so unwell I just wanna curl up in bed and sleep or use my phone. I'll most likely do that after this.

Excuse the very dirty mirror

Weight loss journey for me is ongoing I can do this!!! I hope there's progress this time. I've had so many failed attempts because I never really had the willpower? But now I'm like frickin determined to do this sia. I need to lose all these fats. My body fat percentage is so gross. So hopefully I'll see at least some results by December 31st 2015!!! I need to be more wary of my food intake also because I tend to just eat what I want although I don't think I eat a lot. I don't even know. But hey, anyone who wants to ask me out - I love pastamania - just saying. I'm trying to be healthy and all but Pastamania is my soft spot. Okay shiok sendiri moment OVER - I have to keep reminding myself it's 80% nutrition and 20% exercise so I have to focus so much on food and make sure I eat healthy and don't go 1526 which is my BMR lah 1526 calories per day not bad what right... I'm glad to have Far do this with me, and my friends in uni with me as well. Like lol @ dad bc his "motivation" (which is basically constant insults and verbal abuse for 5/6 years?) didn't work... ever. Such good parenting :')

And everything else goes into this paragraph: I ordered my Littmann Classic III Stethoscope in Hunter Green!!!! I hope nobody gets the same colour as me but it's basically dark green so maybe it'd be common #sad Oh my god this reminds me, I'm like addicted to hashtags, even in real life. I annoy MYSELF. I'd just go like "Oh well, this is hashtag life" How frickin weird is that I NEED TO STOP. Anyway... I wanna be an OGL for Nursing FOC but like at the same time I'm lazy because I only end clinicals June 20 next year then OGLs would need to go for the camp and the pre-camp then it's like do I want the time for myself or do I want to do FOC. And Project Damai!! Okay I'm interested in the idea of it and what they're doing - health screenings/checkups/treatments, school education and community service like I want to do that - but it's the company that I worry about? I feel so out of place with them, it's like the moment I entered the room for the sharing session I just didn't feel like I belonged or something like that. (I hope none of them ever sees this lol) So that's a huge reason why I'm reluctant to go - I wish it was an interfac OCIP and not like a muslim thing wow I'm sounding like a real harami here sorry guys. Other than that I'm also super interested in the publicity/welfare section for PD, but I don't know. Dina and Nadhirah wants to go like 100%, Nadiah is 50/50 because she wants to join the FOC for the NUSMS camp, I'm considering Nursing FOC. SO I DON'T KNOW. Like I really don't even know what to think for Project Damai. Oh well. I think I'm just gonna go watch Awkward and then go to sleep, I'm exhausted.

Also if you're bored, ask me questions on ask.fm because I'd be gladdddd to answer I'M SO BORED bye ily thanks y'all for 11k views!! :)

I... have eleven thousand all-time pageviews on my website/blog, it's amazing. Endless thank you's to everyone who bothers reading my blog entries or even just scroll through to see the pictures. So let's start with Thursday, 3rd September. I was going for my second ever body scan at the wellness centre and I was pretty damn terrified. A couple of my classmates (hint: both boys) were like "You're taking protein?!" "You lifting weights??" but it's okay haha and so far so good by the way!! The protein shake tastes so good. Back to my story: So after we talked for almost an hour and a half, we all went our separate ways and I went to meet Far and I had to get my body scan before the workout instead of after before Coach Liz said it was more accurate that way. The results were disappointing? I was so sad for five entire hours. I lost 100g but gained 0.5% body fat and also 3kg of muscles... It was a complete wtf moment for me because I gained all that but still lost weight. It was probably water.

Friday was another sad day. As in it was fun... but still sad. I woke up really early and then went to school with Dina and then had breakfast alone at Kopitiam (she had an 8am class) and then headed to the library... where I fell asleep. I headed to class afterwards and lecture after that and it all finally ended at 1pm. I tried the froyo from the froyo machine at Science Canteen. Then we headed back to Pasir Ris for lunch at Pastamania where I proceeded to eat, a lot. I was insanely disappointed in my lack of self-control. Actually I'm still disappointed. Oh well. Then we watched Inside Out and I cried like twice. Dina and Nadiah fell asleep a few times through the movie. And there was a guy who came to watch the movie alone?! There was an empty seat between my friends and I and the family next to us and he came in like right when the short film Lava started screening. The only other person I know who watches movies alone... is my mom. I vlogged my day a little, oh how I miss vlogging. So a short vlog might be up soon!!! My Colourpop stuff came!!

Oh I'm on a shopping ban now. I realised, after my first month at university, that my allowance is actually really little so I can't even shop or it'll cut into my pathetic amount of savings in the bank. I actually can't even save with what I get every month because it's barely enough to buy food, concession, gym shit. Anyway I ran on a walk/jog/run today. Anyone who knows me would know that I walk most of the time, sprint short distances, jog to chase cute dogs and then get exhausted so I continue walking or stop to take pictures of the sky or some shit like that.

Anyway here are some things that made me pissed recently: Last night, she wanted to watch Beauty and the Beast, so as usual, instead of actually learning to download it herself, she asked me to download it so since I didn't have anything to do last night, I downloaded it and then connected it to the tv and started playing it. The audio wasn't working because our amplifier lagged for a few seconds because I just turned it. But mom yelled at me, and I responded with "Can't you wait? This thing (pointing to the amplifier) is lagging, not me" and she replied. "Why you so sensitive ni?" I just feel like my patience is running thin. I hate that so much is expected of me. I hate that since I'm the "more responsible" daughter out of all three of us, she automatically asks me to do everything. I hate that I'm expected to be happy all the time. You know that I hate getting blamed for things I'm not responsible for and yet instead of waiting ten seconds, she yelled at me for the audio not coming out. Another example would be when dad and I were paying school fees, and when I clicked the "proceed" button, the pop-up didn't come out since I have a pop-up blocker on, so I had to try it a second time and it worked, so my dad went "See, you need my help to do it" and I'm just like "I did it correctly, it's just that the pop-up blocker was on" and he didn't believe me. It's like he thinks I'm some dumbfuck, it's crazy. It's really disturbing to realise that your own father thinks you're so stupid. So I just said "Why won't you believe me?" I mean, was it really that difficult for him to consider the possibility that it wasn't actually my fault that page won't load? The only thing I had to do was (1) type in the value we were paying and (2) press proceed... and he made it seem like I couldn't even press the stupid proceed button, he then shouted at me saying "Shut up! I'm the one paying for all this" like geez wow what a great thing you're doing, paying for my education, I'm so blessed, I'm the only one in the world* whose dad is paying for their school fees, I'm so grateful, I'd give up all my organs for you. I'm not even exaggerating but I'm pretty sure that's the kind of "appreciation" my dad so badly needs. I find myself being rather sad when I'm at home. It's almost as if I'm expecting my parents to spit an insult at me, or just say something bitchy. The other two things that I was pissed about pales in comparison so I'll just summarise: (1) Nadia stained my emoji pillow with a pen, it was on accident so I'm not mad about that, but I'm mad that she insisted "later" when I asked her to go wash it now (This happened halfway through this blog entry) and (2) I had a realisation earlier today that Farah will never return my headphones. I got them from work earlier this year and she just refuses to give it back claiming "You took my headphones, I take yours" - I used her purple headphones just a few times a year back probably and she decided to give it to me (great!) but now she thinks it immediately means my headphones are hers? I don't know, I can't even be bothered to argue about this. I have like 4 pairs of Apple earpods that I love so I don't really mind but, I'm just wondering why someone who always emphasizes on integrity would claim it to be hers when I never explicitly said she could have it. So yeah, the two points are like so whatever as compared to me feeling shitty and unsafe in my own home.

* I acknowledge that some people actually pay for their own education - I salute you

I absolutely 5SOS's new song "Jet Black Heart" I love the lyrics, the vocals, the vibes, the music. I've been looking for new music to listen to recently and 5SOS just released their She's Kinda Hot EP and Halsey released her album Badlands so I'm gonna listen to that when I have the time or on my long train rides to and from school. It's actually quite a strange feeling to now go to a school that's slightly over an hour away from home when I used to go to junior college that's literally less than ten minutes away. It's been okay, though. I'm cool with it as long as I get a seat hehe.

I did HIIT with Farah, Dina, Christel & her friend Aishah. I did quite badly, unsurprisingly. Considering how completely unfit I am, I had thought it would've been much worse. Each set comprised of high knees, squats, push ups, more squats, lunges, inclined push ups, more lunges, decline push ups, burpees (I think this is it) and there were four sets of this. I completed one set and halfway through the second one I vomited and I got super dizzy and gross so one of the coaches told me to rest lol he's so nice. He said "You've done everything perfectly. It's okay if you do less as long as you do it right. I was just like you the first time I started too." Then I felt slightly better so I did the entire third set... and then felt shit halfway through the fourth set lol so I stopped once again. Good job T, I can't even do four sets. But now I'm aching all over it hurts so bad. And the fact that I have stairs in the house does not help because it hurts when I go up or down and it hurts when I move so I choose to sleep all day everyday. I'll have to do homework again tomorrow though :( Anyway Thursday's shake was quite nice it was chocolate-flavored hehe I was thinking of meal replacements since I can't help but eat shit food everyday. Herbalife is the recommended brand by the centre I'm working out at, but their shakes (to be consumed as meal replacements) are like $80+ for 550g and like most gyms recommend it. But then there's also Optimum Nutrition 100% Whey Protein Gold Standard which is like mad popular it's like top notch quality and it's so much cheaper!! It's like $44 for 2lbs which is almost 1kg so guess what I ordered? The latter of course, and I ordered the Extreme Milk Chocolate flavor so I'm very excited for that! It's arriving Monday night yay

I'm pissed because my bag still hasn't arrived. I'm just trying to be patient before actually lodging a complaint with Groupon. Next week is gonna be a long week... Anyway oh my god Tuesday I'll be having a "mock" skills assessment test for lab and I'm terrified cos it's like all three themes: asepsis & infection control, patient assessment + mobility & patient safety - like I think I'm alright with theme one and theme three but patient assessment... Of course I'm alright at temperature, pulse rate, respiration rate, pain score BUT BLOOD PRESSURE ASTAGHFIRULLAH seriously why can't they invest in an electric one the manual blood pressure device is really all sorts of burden. I completely suck at it but as long as I act-act maybe I can pass hor

Anyway on Monday I met the Pharm students in my IPE group and we (I) found someone we could interview, she's a nurse at NUH so that's cool. None of them except my classmate is replying on the IPE group chat so I find that extremely annoying because we want to get the email out asap. I'm guessing the interview isn't that important to my groupmates but it's important for me and Yee Yean because we need a good interview so we can do a good report/reflection which is like 20% of our final grade for the comms module. I just hope it all goes smoothly!! And also guess who I met?? Shafiq haha we've followed each other on twitter for a couple years probably and that was the first time we met in real life and I was awkward as hell but iz okai!! Anyway the rest of the week was boring, Tuesday was tiring, I didn't have school on Wednesday. Thursday was the day I had one tutorial from 8am to 10am and that's it so I stayed in school to do my presentation slides with Vic and then I slept in the Medical Library for a couple hours then headed to do HIIT at the wellness centre as I mentioned in paragraph two of this post lol annnnnd Friday? We had a field trip to Queenstown for our elderly module. Imagine 129 nursing students all in Queenstown haha I bet some skipped it I guess. That was tiring and sweaty. I had lunch at Butterscotch with Dina, Nadiah & Nadhirah afterward and then headed home and slept for six hours hahaha

Celebrated Char's birthday with my class

Vic is like my personal photographer haha but yay to having Starbucks literally next to my building

Anyway those last three pictures - I found them on tumblr and thought they were funny so I sent them to my tutorial group and they think I'm a frickin weirdo now hahaha oops