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Little Pieces of Pregnancy Vulnerability

Today, I am twenty-seven weeks pregnant. I'm into the third trimester. Assuming it's not premature, we have ten to fifteen weeks to wait until we meet our baby.

It doesn't seem long at all.

And we're excited. So very excited. We look at the tiny clothes stacked up in the second bedroom and we giggle thinking that somebody will soon be wearing them.

For weeks, the pregnancy guides have been telling us to talk to the bump and we've laughed and felt too ridiculous. Now, there are steady, heavy kicks making my stomach lurch all over the place and it feels natural to tell the baby I feel it. The more we talk, the more it kicks. Steve is playing it music.

The end (or the start) is in sight and that's thrilling.

It's also a little bit daunting. I've had moments of feeling hugely vulnerable - not because I doubt our abilities as parents (I don't - we'll figure this out) but because this is a huge change in how I define myself.

While Steve will be continuing on with his normal life - his full-time job and his far-too-long commute - and trying to cram this extra layer of identity in on top of that ("Steve, who works in IT and is somebody's dad"), my normal life will be put on hold for the duration of my maternity leave; I'll be shifting from thinking of myself in terms of my career ("Sarah, who works in PR") to thinking of myself in terms of my family ("Sarah, somebody's mum").

Eventually, I'll need to figure out how to combine those two elements of my identity. But that's a concern for the future. It can wait.

For now, for the next ten to fifteen weeks, I'm in a limbo land between the two states.

Yesterday, my GP signed me off for the remainder of my pregnancy. After plateauing for a while, my hips have started to get worse again - I'm alternating a couple of hours of sitting upright with an hour of lying down; on bad days, I need my support belt just to get to the kitchen.

So, I'm not somebody's mum yet. But I'm coming to terms with the career part of me having already been put on hold.

It's not quite what I had in mind. I had hoped to work from home for a while (and I feel intensely paranoid every time I post on my blog - I feel like every post needs a little disclaimer explaining how many separate ten minute sessions it took me to draft it* and how incapable I am of sitting at a desk and how I'm honestly not skiving) but my GP was quite clear that there is nothing further they can do to help me; my hips are going to get worse and all I can do is try to minimise the severity by doing my exercises and taking things very, very easy.

And, on the bright side, the pain is likely to clear up the moment the baby is born.

14 comments

It isn't long and it will go by quickly...or at least it will when you look back on it. At the time it can feel like forever especially if you're dealing with hip pain (I sprained my pelvis in my third trimester and it suuuucked...still loved pregnancy though).

I know what you mean about thinking about your identity and how it'll shift. Having a baby is tough because there is no 'getting used to it' period like there is for, say, your relationship before you get married/move in together/whatever...one day you push it out and BAM YOU'RE SOMEONE'S PARENT FIGURE IT OUT AND KEEP THEM ALIVE. It's scary, but that moment when they put them on your chest is just...indescribable. It's crazy and amazing and beautiful. I'm really so excited for you, and excited for you to write about your transition.

I can't believe how fast time has gone, it seems like only a few days ago I got your email about the happy news! It really sucks that the GP thinks your pain will get worse though - sort of logical, I guess, but I suppose I hoped for a Sarah's-hips-miracle. I hope your work are being ok about everything.

I'm really lucky my GP's so good about this - if it was just down to me, I would keep trying to push myself past my limits and end up doing myself some real damage. It won't get better until the birth but I'll be doing all I can to make sure it doesn't get too much worse.

As for work, the woman who deals with our HR has been lovely about it (and is the only person I've spoken to so I'll just have to assume she represents them all!).

I hope it passes speedily in respect of your pain, it's not ideal :-( And when he or she is a moody teen, you can remind them of just how much you suffered to get them here! (is that bad?) I'm glad your GP is placing your well being above all else. And I hope you are interspersing "Steve's music" with something a bit melodic too! Though having a mini guitar hero wouldn't be so bad! ;-)

Wowsers, where's that time gone!? April will definitely be here before you know it and then it'll be the start of a whole new era of exciting things. I want to say enjoy your time off work before the little one arrives, but I know that's a pretty useless sentiment with the amount of pain you're in. Perhaps I'll just say enjoy the quietness and calmness instead :-) xx