Advice On What To Do When You've Betrayed Your Best Friend

Advice Seeker :

Dear April Masini,"

I made out with my best friend's boyfriend. He told her, but to protect my identity, my best friend's boyfriend didn't tell her WHOM he made out with, because he didn't want me and his girlfriend to ruin our friendship. But then he turned around and told his best friend, a girl who happens to be a friend of his girlfriend’s also. When his girlfriend heard that he’d made out with someone, I pretended I was shocked to hear that he made out with another girl, just so my best friend wouldn't suspect me. Now I need advice on to do. Do I tell her the truth, before someone else does? Or do I tell his best friend to just shut her mouth and bury it? Please help me save my relationship with my friend and her relationship with her boyfriend!

Signed,
Kiss And Tell

"

April Masini's Advice :

Dear Kiss And Tell,

You’re asking me lots of questions, but you’re not asking the most important one, and that is why were you kissing your best friend’s boyfriend in the first place? If you really like your best friend’s boyfriend, you have to choose between being your best friend’s best friend or by being someone who makes out with her boyfriend. You can’t be both. And that’s exactly what you’re trying to be – both. It won’t work. Believe me.

The other question you need to ask yourself is how’s your self esteem? Because if you made out with this boy just to make yourself feel more important than your best friend, you may be competing in order to make yourself feel special. And there are lots of less destructive ways to make yourself feel special, than ruining your friendship with your best friend, her relationship with her boyfriend, and your reputation in your group of friends as someone who cheats on their boyfriends and then lies to them and everyone else about it. While you may feel like you’re special and in control in the short run, this is damaging behavior in the long run.
If you are trying to get positive attention – there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact it’s healthy to enjoy the applause of an appreciative crowd, so to speak – but their appreciation should be for the right reasons. Some of the right reasons are winning a track meet or getting a medal for a sport or winning a talent competition or getting good grades. The appreciation of your peers is wonderful to have.

The Power of Your Sexuality:
Because you’re a teen, your sexuality feels like a new tool to use – and it is – but it’s also a valuable gift and you should respect and honor your own sexuality – and yes, kissing and making out with someone is sexual behavior. You may feel powerful using your sexuality to seduce a boy, and this may be a new feeling for you. When people learn to use things for the first time, they can be clumsy and make mistakes. Just like first time skiers, musicians and cooks. The same is true with sexuality. You have this gift, but you’re not exactly sure how to use your sexuality, and it’s like arming a mouse with a giant wheel of cheese. It can be too much for a teen to handle sometimes. Such is the case with you. You’ve got this sexuality, and you’re using it haphazardly, ignoring the effects and the consequences of your behavior.

When your best friend finds out about what you did – and she will find out eventually – she’s going to feel betrayed. She’s going to feel angry. She’s going to feel sad that nobody told her sooner while other people knew. Her trust is going to be broken – maybe forever because it’s happening at a young age. If you’re in touch with your true feelings, you’re going to feel terrible about this.

My advice to you is to stop trying to control the situation. Don’t tell anyone to “shut their mouth”. The damage is done. Let it play out. As for your best friend, the most honorable thing to do is to admit to her what happened, and tell her how you feel about it. And then listen to anything she needs to say to you. It will probably be a lot. And it won’t be pleasant, but that’s part of the price you pay when you hurt someone’s feelings. And in the future, understand that you are a moral person. If you weren't, you wouldn't be so upset about the mistake that you made. Understand that if you do do something that you feel is wrong (and you know the difference), you're going to feel chaotic and worse later. You may end up changing your behavior if you know that it will make you feel so badly later.

For advice on how you can get the confidence and the look to get a boyfriend or a date of your own, check out my book Think & Date Like a Man.