How philosophical the past has become. Everyone seems to have a view on it and it appears to be fashionable to voice it forcibly whether the situation calls for it or not. If you’re feeling blue and you don’t know what to do, some kind soul will undoubtedly advise you to “forget the past and focus on the present”. But I say, remember the past. The past: that vast territory which comes without a map, a compass, signposts and requires spatial awareness of the emotional kind. The kind that binds you to a memory, and drags you to that place, even if that is not where you intended to go. And when you get there, the constantly changing vista is never as you remember it: the pain was always more palpable, the joy jarred gently, words were welts on the prominent pathways of your psyche.

But I say remember the past: The past: that vast territory which needs preparation before you set out on it. So I say: equip yourself with sturdy walking shoes, shoes with a firm grip to keep you grounded, mentally make a map meandering mindfully through tough terrain, view the vista with new eyes, make pain a signpost to avoid and see it covered partially with weed. Strengthen your spatial awareness and eke out exits along the way. Present your passport if required and ensure it is stamped and that your visit has been recorded, so that you know that you have been there and that you can go there again. Be mindful of the knowledge that your journey has been a choice and that there are no boundaries concerning the past. It is a place that will always exist. It may not be sunshine, inky moon-lit nights, leisurely lapping sea on sand, it maybe storm-filled days, biting frost and thoughts of time to throw-the-towel-in, but the past is yours and mine. After all, we have all been there. Haven’t we?

~ MEW

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44 thoughts on “The Past”

A beautifully written and expressed cri de cœur, Marie. I find it hard not to be a little philosophical as regards the past, in that I know I am to a very large extent conditioned by it, and yet there always is something more, something greater than that conditioning, and which is always with me, and which exists as me. I don’t mean to suggest a spiritual dimension as such, though some may see it that way, rather the well of awareness and potential that exists (and always has existed) as a force within and as me now, and which itself is not conditioned by the past, it being beyond the causal chain of my existence. I think it’s important to hold to this as much as it is not to disown or ignore the past. Then again, these really are two different categories of our being, both requiring their own respectful acknowledgment. With many thanks, Hariod.

Dear Hariod, your comment is so beautifully expressed that I really cannot think of anything to add to it. I think my reply to 10000hoursleft as you will see if you scroll down contains an element of the points you make, only perhaps you have been far more eloquent than I have been. I absolutely agree with you about it being important to hold on to that “well of awareness” of which you speak as it is not to disown or ignore the past. The past does reflect and impact on our lives powerfully, so while it is not advisable to dwell on it to the detriment of living in the present, it is important to honour the past in all its diversity, revisit it as a point of reference when necessary in order to inform the present and the future. To ignore or play down the past is to ignore and play down that very essential part of your existence. I said I could not think of anything more to add, and then done exactly the opposite! Human nature, I guess.:)

Beautiful writing, Marie. But does the past really exist, let alone always existing? It can only exist in memory and that is subjective- so whose version is the ‘right’ version. I’ve found myself retelling stories of the past and part way through remembering that it wasn’t my first hand memory but something I was told by domeone else that had cemented itself in my thoughts as if it were my own experience…I’m talking about a fairly mundane event when I was 6. Another question- can we be ‘mindful’ while revisiting the past and no longer part of its ‘present’?

Thank you 10000hoursleft. I think everyone is divided on that subject and rightly so because it means many different things to different people depending on how the past has affected them. If you have had a joyful past or a recollection of that, of course you’re always tempted to re-visit it. If it has not been joyful and a real source of pain, the tendency is to want to put it behind you and focus on the present and your healing. To attempt to respond to the second half of your question, I would say that for myself I can be “mindful” when revisiting the past, although it would seem to be a paradox. I talked about equipping oneself when revisiting the past because it is a minefield for many and can throw up painful experiences and sometimes traumatic ones. But if you remain “grounded” I think it is possible to be very firmly in the present, but still examine the past, to take from it what you need (strength, valediction to a painful memory) and then close the door on it (if that’s what you want/need to do). To return to the beginning of your comment: yes for me the past does exist and continues to exist alongside the present. It is there in you: it affects the way you live your life. You draw on it everyday, because within you are all the experiences that you have ever had and they do impact your life, whether you choose to believe it or not. I am not a psychologist and cannot pretend to be one. So forgive me if you do not entirely agree with me. Thank you so much for your comment, I can see this has really made you think and that to all intents and purposes is what I’d like people to do when they read my posts. 🙂

Thanks for such a considered response, Marie. I do agree that we carry the past with us, but for me at lease, the past I carry are conditioned responses based on events that no longer exist and it is in moments of conjuring up the past that I struggle the most with emotions that still feel like fresh reactions to things that occurred decades ago. I agree with you that our relationship to the past is going to influence the frequency of our re-visits but I still think it doesn’t exist anymore than the person we were then exists. Not to say that we don’t carry part of the past into our views, actions and perceived limitations in the present day…my interpretation of being ‘present’ and buddhist notions that Kathy has mentioned is the need to relinquish reactions and learned responses that were a part of the past that no longer serve us now or have a place in the present. Easier said than done. It only takes a phone conversation or a lunch with either of my parents to send years of counselling and self reflection out the window. Nice chatting with you! mMy name is Mek by the way.

Hello Mek. I appreciate and respect what you have to say and your eloquence. I looked up in the dictionary the definition of “exist” which means: to be; to live; to continue to live. So technically speaking you are absolutely right that the past does not exist because if you go by the definition then technically speaking this has to be true. However, there is a very stubborn part of me that refuses to deny the existence of the past. It’s very much alive in my memory and although the things that happened then are certainly not happening now, the fact that they are still alive in my memory and flashbacks (extremely unpleasant) are still part of my everyday life. Therefore for me, it is as if they are still very much part of the present. If the past did not exist for me, I am sure I would be a very different person. This is not to say I allow it to overwhelm me, but through counselling and sheer determination I try to balance the two so that the slant is firmly on the present. I don’t think we’re ever going to agree on this issue, but it’s been a real pleasure chatting with you.:)

Hi Marie, I am so sorry that the past is so unpleasantly present in your life now. Whether we agree or not doesn’t matter- I understand your perspective, but more importantly, I respect your very strong feelings about the matter. I agree that the past is present in who we actually are- our choices, biases and paradigms, but where I think it no longer exists (for me, when I am being mindful) is in releasing those learned reactions that are borne of past experiences and no longer serve current circumstances…it really is hard shaking off the past…we spend our formative years at the mercy of whatever kind of parenting we end up with and the rest of our lives needing to parent ourselves and undo the damage…

Hi Mek, thank you for your compassion and your eloquence in these matters. There is mutual respect here and I agree with you more than I disagree with which is hardly at all. I’m heartened to know that you are successfully releasing learned reactions borne of past experiences. I wish you nothing but good for the rest of your journey. Sincere best wishes, Marie

Totally a work in progress- I fail at it, but for the most part, the intention is there. Having a child gives me ample opportunity to observe myself and make comparisons to my parent’s parenting. Nothing like an inkling I am being even remotely like them to snap me out of it. All the best in your journey too xx

That’s been my modus operandi too: not to do as my parents would do! My father was an absolute thug masquerading as a parent and my poor mum, could have been a better parent had it not been for my father. It’s funny how a good parent becomes tainted by a bad parent and everything descends into chaos for everyone concerned but particularly those poor innocent children who then become to some extent “disabled” adults through no fault of their own. I don’t know what sort of parenting my parents had so I cant say whether this was history repeating itself or not and if they weren’t entirely to blame for the lack of parenting skills. At least we know the difference between a good parent and a bad parent, and are willing to make a difference to our children’s lives. xxx

I think there is always a precursor to bad parenting, but it doesn’t take away an individual’s responsibility to do what is right or exercise self awareness. I cane across Transactional Analysis this week and am blown away by the patterns in relationships that play out all the time and the connection to childhood experiences that the roles we adopt have. Hope you’re having a great week xx

I must do some further research on TA. Had not heard of that before. Yes my week has been fun so far Mek. I’ve had loads of compliments on WordPress which is always reassuring. Hope it’s good for you too. xx

It’s really interesting. I’m going to get a book called ‘scripts people live’ which was recommended to me by my counsellor when i asked for something to read on the topic. No surprises about compliments- you write beautifully both in your posts and in conments you leave. In fact, I first noticed yiu in the WP world through thoughtful comments you’d left on kathy’s blog. Funnily, when I asked Kathy to recommend 1 and only 1 blog for me to check out, she mentioned yours…and here I am 😊

This is one of the loveliest comments ever. Thank you both: you for the comment and Kathy for the recommendation. I must check out that book too – it sounds quite enlightening and it might give me some answers to the age-old question: “why me …?”

Missed this comment! Not sure it’s ‘why me’ more ‘what is me?’ Reminds me- i still haven’t ordered a copy! Love to know your thoughts on it if yiu do read the book. Maybe we could have a ‘conversation’ post about it?

Why do you think it’s “what is me?” Mek. I thought for me, it might answer questions which you struggle with and you can’t understand why others behave the way they do towards you. But you are looking at it from a different angle and that is what makes you what you are. Am I right in my assumption? You are a more what is it about me that makes these things happen type of person, and I am a why has this happened to me type. This is an interesting chain of thought. I haven’t managed to get hold of a copy yet, but I think it would be definitely something to have a “conversation” about. Let’s put this in our metaphorical “in-tray” to deal with? 🙂

The way I look at it is I take on particular roles and have certain biases, reactions, and actions as a result of learned behaviours and having adopted certain ways of coping with my environment from a young age, so I’m hoping understanding the concepts of TA will give me a framework to recognise the roles I adopt and the tired old scripts I play…I guess I want to be a little more aware and not be in auto pilot…For me, the outcome of ‘why me’ doesn’t lead to any satisfactory conclusion. The ‘why’, even if answered, wouldn’t (in my opinion) change anything, but the ‘what’ and ‘how’ and ‘who’ that have made me who I am now give opportunity for changing my course. Of course, these are all my own views about my own life. I think the book can equally help to answer the question you’re looking to answer by giving you an understanding of others in your life, past and present. Ok, it’s in the ‘in tray’ 😊

You are absolutely spot on! Yes of course it is absolutely about “what it is for me” and your explanation. The “why” question as you say doesn’t cover that ground in depth and now I think about it, it perhaps is not the right question to ask when trying to process and explain certain behaviours. Thank you for “correcting” me about what it is I should be questioning. lol You have a very analytical mind and I think I’m probably the opposite. I think that is why I struggle with issues such as understanding political concepts – I do tend to glaze over when faced with trying to understand things that I don’t understand straight away and instead of grappling with them, I have a tendency to put them aside because it “hurts” my brain to think too hard about them. 🙂 That’s probably why you’re a book critic and I write poems! 🙂 Much easier to waffle on about an “orange tinted sky and roses in bloom”, than talk about the “Bay of Pigs” crisis. 🙂

Ha Ha Ha! Yes I totally agree. There is a place for every type. We all have different strengths, abilities and talents. And there is absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t try our hands at things we struggle with. Not being able to master everything doesn’t mean you’re a failure. On another note, you ran across my mind yesterday. We have a programme called Who’s doing the dishes here in the UK. And the guest person who the contestants had to guess the cook’s identity was someone called Rusty (can’t for the life of me remember her surname now), a very famous Jamaican cook. Anyway, the host of the show was talking to her about her Jamaican accent and the whole point of this rather long-winded story is that they got on to Jamaican ways of pronouncing words and he asked her how you say “bacon” in Jamaican. He said it rhymes with something you drink beer out of. So Rusty said “can”. And Brian said “a beer can”. “beer can – bacon”. Rusty laughed! “beercan!” You had to be there if this doesn’t quite translate to paper. To help you have to put on your best Jamaican accent! lol

Hahaha no- but to make sense of the patois, i found putting on an accent helped hahaha. I’ve done it with other books where the author has written dialogue phonetically or in a dialect or colloquial style that captures different variations of english. Lucky you got your binsout on time! My day was good- last working day of the week for me!!! Have a great day x

I had to put the wheelie bins out. I didn’t do it last night like I should. lol So then I thought why not check my emails as I’m up, as you do! lol Haven’t quite got to grips with Australian time. I thought it was 6am there but it seems it’s your afternoon/evening now. Hope you had a good day and are in for a nice relaxing evening. 🙂

Thanks for this Marie! I struggle between living in the present, yet using the past as a guide. Buddhist principles beg for us to simply live in the present, but I’m not quite sure how to do this when our brains were built to hold memories and prepare for the future. The best way I’ve found, to date is to to reflect on the past, and always glean a lesson from wherever I’ve connected. Thanks for making me think on this Friday afternoon 🙂

Kathy you are most welcome! Your comment is absolutely spot on. I couldn’t have said it better if I tried! I had not thought this would resonate so much with my readers (get me!) as it has done. I thought long and hard before posting it because I thought it goes against the grain of current thought, which is to be mindful and live in the present. “Now” seems to be the buzz word. But if you think about it: the “past” was once “now”!

How beautifully you express the dilemma facing those of us who have endured trauma and loss, from whatever source. Ignoring the past cuts us off from what may well have been formative experiences, experiences that continue to impact our present. Those are large pieces of ourselves, pieces we ignore at our peril.

Revisiting the past intentionally, when prepared (rather than unintentionally, when dragged back by some inadvertent trigger) allows us to re-examine our experiences and — perhaps more importantly –. our interpretation of them, in light of what we have learned since. That can actually change our interpretation, enabling us to re-process painful memories, and put them in a different context. That, in turn, removes the need to dwell on them, reducing their power over us.

I can’t thank you enough! What an amazing thing to do?! I can’t tell you how much this means to me that you think enough of my writing to do this. God certainly works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform…

Charis, I agree with you completely. But, and there is always ‘a but’ :), it depends on the size and depth of the wound. Some wounds are not as hard to deal with as others. And what wounds you deeply might not affect another person in the same way. Compassion is needed for all wounds though. However big or small.
Take care 🙂