Us: Gone in 60 Minutes. Hardly any lectures. He
gave them a break in preparation, and it certainly seemed to have paid
off. No Alonso, no striker either. No starting place for Hudson-Odoi
after his exploits on Thursday.

Them: Urgh whatever. Loads of expensive people.

The usual final fanfare. Charles (special alias)
was impressed by the cahones on display from the FA. To invest all that
effort on a massive banner bearing Sarri’s likeness when you weren’t
sure he’d even be there. That said we don’t know that they didn’t have
ones of Blanc, Holland, Hiddink, Zola a blank one and even f*cking
Wenger out the back just in case.

DISCLAIMER: If
I’ve got any of the players wrong, its because we were so far away from
the pitch that it was a miracle we could spot the difference between
Kepa and Kante.

Five minutes without conceding. We’ll aim low to start with. We can do this.

Four
seconds for Aguero to start cheating. For a start, he ran into
Jorginho, who is a quarter of his size. There is no way his big a*se is
going down in that scenario without his own intent. Unless he’s going to
claim that Jorginho’s ears took a swipe at him. 50 more seconds for
them to win their first corner, but as it turned out, we went longer
without conceding than last time. Jokingly, from on the roof where our
beloved club had seated the first people to buy tickets, we set
ourselves the lofty target of matching Newport County, who went 51
minutes in the cup without conceding to St. Pep and his minions. Of
course they had much of the early possession, but on nine minutes Luiz
put a fine ball up to Kante. Who was promptly fouled. You’ll understand
why nothing was done about this as we continue. If I can see a foul from
two and half miles away, lord knows why the official picked for the
biggest fixture of the weekend can’t. But we were doing well. We looked
disciplined at the back, which made for a change against decent
opposition. In the opening twenty minutes they hadn’t even had a shot.
Neither had we, but let’s not get carried away. Over the bar from Aguero
on 21. By the half hour mark their fans were getting frustrated about
the lack of goalmouth action. We were just relieved. We almost had a
hideous own goal for them in injury time, and a corner to end the half.
With which we didn’t even manage to clear the first man. But its all
about perspective. We were not four goals behind at the break.

As
the players reemerged we had six more minutes to survive as long as
Newport County. Both sides were willing to attack. Another foul by them
unpunished, another high city effort to begin. Still no shots on target
at either end. Our defence was still holding up well. The magic 51
minute mark! This time at the Etihad we were about to go 5-0 down. Not
only were we not losing, but we were trying to score at the other end.
On 52 Hazard broke and we were off, only to be wholly outnumbered in the
box. Then they hit us back, but it was finally ushered out. Aguero was
blatantly offside on 55, not that their excitable fans noticed, despite
his luminous, early mid-life crisis hair. VAR was invoked. Wasn’t going
to make it any more onside. Refwatch: Jonathan Moss.
Are you f*cking serious? Couldn’t they have just flown Oliver down after
the United game? Or found a Big Issue seller looking for some freelance
work outside the tube? A litany of the usual sh*t decisions in the
first half. 57 minutes before he finally booked any of them for the
cheating sh*thousery. Wouldn’t know what persistent fouling was if it
ripped his cock off, covered it in scotch bonnets, doused it in petrol,
lit it on fire and and shoved it down his throat. Couldn’t get throw ins
right, even fell on his pudgy arse at one stage to crown a typically
flaccid display.

Anyway, ensuing free kick from rare
sensible refereeing decision was a complete waste of time. Landed on
the roof of that car park next to the stadium that looks like it’s made
of f*cking Meccano.
65 mins we were in again, best
chance yet but blazed over. Probably by Eden Hazard but he’s small at
the best of times, never mind from this distance. Rudi was great from
the off, Luiz got stronger and stronger. But the star of the defence
today was Emerson. If he hasn’t budged his way in as the first choice
left back this week then truly, Sarri is blind. This was a finely poised
game, but it was going to hinge on the changes. Oh dear. Kovacic for
Barkley in the next five minutes. You heard it here first. In the
meantime we broke again, Hazard gunning towards the goal, played in
Pedro Pony, who for some godforsaken reason didn’t shoot. Arrrrgh! It
was end to end now. Take a deep breath, but Hudson-Odoi was our first
sub. 30-odd thousand absolutely stunned Chelsea fans watching Sarri make
a sensible change instead of bringing on Kovacic.

With
a little over ten minutes to go, both managers made a change. PP paid
for his transgression by making way, and David Silva went off for
Gundogan. We were pressing far more now, and trying to be completely
objective, our attacks outnumbered theirs. Dare I say we looked like we
were actually trying to win it? Which was terrifying knowing what City
can do to you on the break. Pep made his last change bringing on Sane
for the Ginger Prince (so nicknamed where we were sitting because he was untouchable no matter what he did) We
were really pressing with two minutes to go. Of course Moss knew
exactly where to find his card when it came to Jorginho. He deserved it,
but but it grated when he had failed to punish them for anything.
Barkley for Loftus-Cheek. F*ck me, had someone switched out his
cigarettes for something more potent? Sarri wanted to win this in normal
time. The cynic in me thought it might be because he couldn’t get away
with smoking on the premises at Wembley and he was just desperate for a
fag.

City burst into life with seconds left of
normal time. Four minutes added. In truth it would have been unfair If
anyone scored in the dying seconds, as it had been an even, well
contested game. Not that I would have given if a sh*t if it had been us
that snatched it at the death. We had one tipped over from the free
kick, another narrow offside decision. The Lino was right on this
occasion but I thought the excuse for letting Harry F*cking Kane through
against us was that they had been told to keep their flags down when
VAR was present? It was, however, the right decision this time. City
rounded off with ten men after Fernandinho was carried off. Karma for
all the times he’s tried to decapitate other people. Jammy buggers were
going to get an extra sub for extra time, which meant they could bring
their numbers up. Unfortunately so were we, but more on that soon.

It
was a low key start, apart from the pitch-side beer swilling homophobe
on the other side of the divide who barely paused for breath. As the
stewards watched on. It took nearly an hour for someone to finally drag
the little scrote out. Higuain on for Willian after five minutes, I
might get a nosebleed with all these attacking substitutions. He made an
early break alongside Kante, but the best they could manage this time
was another corner. Higuain and Kanye set us off on seven and won a
corner. Both teams threatening to break, and the game was simmering
nicely. A lot of faffing in tight spaces on 10 minutes before a wide
lash from Jorginho, another high effort from Hazard moments later. After
the short interval we had to scramble it off the line, though we were
sure they were offside even from a mile away. Rudi fell over and they
managed to forge a terrifying opportunity, but Kepa saved, breaking
himself in the process. Were we going to see poetry now? A former city
keeper to come on for penalties?

Then came Mutiny on the HMS Chelsea.

Firstly,
all this crap about Sarri bringing on Big Willy as a tactical decision
because he is a penalty specialist is b*llocks. Surely every goalkeeper
would claim to be a penalty specialist? It’s their job?
Kepa has been injured
Kepa looked to have broken himself in the same place again
Sarri went to replace him on this basis
Kepa was OK to continue
There
was a lack of communication on this point, exacerbated by the medical
staff coming off and telling the manager that he needed to be replaced
God
bless City, they were booing away as if this was a ploy on our part to
waste time. Nope, we are just actually this ridiculous.
Moss goes to stamp his authority, Terrifying.
Kepa refuses to make way.
Moss gets it right, because the recommendation in this scenario is apparently to just play on
Sarri
loses his sh*t. Sorry but Team Chicago and Team Sweden and self watched
the video back in the pub and cried with laughter.
The Chuckle Brothers do Wembley.
The
Wengeresque water bottle slam was nothing compared to the hulk style
shirt-rippage that came just before it like Sarri was about to bust out
of his special tracksuit (because kudos, he made an effort, he was not in his usual pyjamas) -
A moment that was so intrinsically Chelsea. As in bonkers.
Then he appeared to go: “F*ck this I’m going for a fag” and stomped off towards the tunnel
Before
he realised he had two more minutes of extra time and a penalty
shootout, both of which he was required to lead us through
“Player
power” scream the press plebs after the whistle went and others, mainly
Rudi, made a pointed effort to keep the two apart.
This
is not player power. This is extremely smart on the part of those
involved. We had a shootout to try and win. And any fallout should not
have happened in public.
Well done Rudiger.
Being as dumbfounded as everyone else (apart from Little Willy, whose face was a classic portrait of “Oh HELL no!”) does not make Dave a sh*t captain. Daily Fail cites “fans” saying he is a disgrace.
I
debate whether these are actual fans, along with the ones giving it the
“Kepa should never play for us again” I love that the Red Swarm just
dip into the cesspool that is social media daily now to find outrageous
quotes they can use to blanket attribute a nonsense opinion to everyone
in blue.
He’s apologised - let it go and play him on Wednesday. Tear a strip off him in private if need be.

We
talked about who might be the one to start a mutiny in the final on
LoveSport on Friday night. I called Eden, another suggestion was Luiz.
Nobody called Kepa. He doesn’t even shout at his own defenders.

As
a side bar, we spent a fair but of time perving over someone on the
bench whilst reviewing all the screen caps of Hulk Sarri, before we
realised it was Rob Green. I feel no shame, whatsoever.

Anyway:

Jorginho: Saved easy to read, slow, ponderous. He was suitably devastated.
Gundogan: Sends Kepa the wrong way
Dave: High but emphatic
Cheating peroxide dog nonce: almost saved by Kepa. Jammy bastard.
Emerson: Close, but in
​Some Bloke: Saved!! No f*cking idea. Someone in a light blue shirt with dark hair
Luiz: Keeper guesses right but the f*cking thing hit the post. A rare spot kick faux pas from him.
B Silva: Scored
Hazard: Easiest one yet, after a lame attempt by Ederson to put him off.
Kepa goes the right way for the last one but it slips under his body and goes in. Balls.

So:
I can’t be angry at the result. We gave it a go, HE gave it a go. The
defence was disciplined, and nobody had a bad day. Sarri made all of the
changes we’ve been begging for in recent weeks, and every one of the
outfield changes was aimed at winning the game. We were talking fine,
fine margins today and we just fell short, against a team that
decapitated us a couple of weeks ago and shat down our neck. Sarri has
more wins in his first English season that Pep did at the same point. He
thinks its unfair that he is deemed to be failing when Emery is in
exactly the same position. And he has made a final where the waxwork has
not. He could not have done any more to keep his job today, but I
require much, MUCH more convincing if he is to stay long term. Starting
with a continuation of this fine performance and his adaptation against
Sp*rs on Wednesday night. I will admit thought, there was a part of me
that watched him flinging stuff about like a crazed lunatic and going
into meltdown on the touchline, actually showing some proper emotion,
that thought: Bless you, you big scruffy dope, perhaps you could be one
of us after all.