In general, I seem to have the reviewer’s equivalent to a trained drug dog’s nose when it comes to spotting outrageous marketing claims on sex toys. JimmyJane has a knack for turning out highly modern, yet obscenely priced luxury sex toys, many of which have fatal flaws in the design or have lackluster vibrations. I can still recall my visit to Babeland Seattle as the Day The Wool Fell Off My Eyes, as I turned on item after item from JimmyJane and cringed. Their Iconic Collection, as an example, is merely a bunch of overpriced, white-only reproductions of common, mass-marketed (and cheap) sex toys like the pocket rocket, vibrating bath ducky, slimline straight plastic vibe, etc. That line is 100% “mutton dressed as lamb”. Or then there is the mind-boggling one-speed-buzzy-wonder (and by wonder I mean “someone actually buys these??”) that is the Little Chroma/Steel, etc. I’ve owned the Form 3 and Form 6, but frankly couldn’t be arsed to even review the Form 6. I hated it, not quite as much as I hated the Form 3, but not enough to be bothered to review it.

So when I saw what appeared to be another “Iconic” attempt from JJ, I agreed to review it if only to prove that it’s not worth the money. Yes, I know. That’s awfully jaded. But you don’t get to where I am in reviewing without being able to smell the shit past the air freshener. I owe no one anything but the honest, hardcore truth in this review (one reason why I adore SheVibe).

JJ was promoting this sucker hard, and sent out press releases touting how “innovative” it is. Sure, they’re made a lot of changes but innovative it is not. There have been similar vibes, mainly by Fukuoko. Sure, visually this thing is an improvement on the glove. I’ve heard mixed reviews on the power of the glove, some say that the Hello Touch is more powerful than the Fukuoku glove. But “three times the power”? Of what?

I think it’ll be easier if I break everything down. Step by step down the road to the corner of OhGodWhy Lane and You’reKiddingMeRight Blvd.

Packaging and Copy

The packaging is actually pretty damn minimal. In fact, likely the most minimal I’ve seen from a luxury sex toy company. I’m actually not complaining about this, though. Fancier packaging leads to a higher priced item, and ain’t nobody got time for that shit. But you see…when things like these are said….I tend to call bullshit:

I get it. They need to say things that will sell. It’s like the whole advertised-burger-vs-reality-burger thing that I’ve mentioned before, except this has to do with performance rather than visual aspects.

But these? Please, don’t listen to these people. None of them actually tried the thing, I’d bet my last month’s commission on that. So these words are why I write this review. Because people deserve to know the truth, and that truth isn’t sparkly or pretty.

But the thing I take the most issue with is this, and it will be explained further down:

Product Design (Flaws)

Prior to the Hello Touch, Fukuoku was the only company to make something like this. I seem to recall that there was a product just like the Hello Touch, except 3 fingerpads instead of just two. The Glove has 5 vibrating pads, but the downside is that it looks and feels like a damn ski glove. It’s not sexy, which I think is why JJ went to such lengths to create the Hello Touch with such a minimalistic, low profile.

Fingerpads: You can, in theory, put the fingerpads on any finger or your thumb, if it’ll fit. I do not have particularly large or fat fingers, although thin women will have smaller fingers than I. But these pads are uncomfortably tight. There is no pain, but they do stop bloodflow. After 4 minutes of wearing them, my fingertips were cold and starting to hurt. If someone with big, burly hands were to try this? Well, they can’t even get it on. A friend attempted to try these on for me; his hands were big with thick fingers – he couldn’t even tolerate it for half a second, it was so tight. You can see below what it’s doing to my fingers. Also below I just wanted to show you what I mean by “big, burly hands”. My awesome friend and his lady sent me this requested pic to show what I mean. If your hands look like his? Forget it. You’ll have no hope of wearing these fingerpads. Hell if you’re even close to his finger size, you’ll have no prayer.

Also, the fingerpads CAN be removed from the vibrating pods and you should do so for more thorough cleaning. When everything is lubed up and has been in use, the lube can get inside these pads, in between the vibrating pod and the pliable material, making it quite easy for the pod to slip out. It is not, however, easy for the to slip back in. If you don’t get it just right before you shove it in, you’ll be trying for a few minutes. Sometimes I was able to get it right away, sometimes not.

Vibrations: I’m just not sure what JimmyJane thinks the Hello Touch is 3 times more powerful than. When you first turn it on, if the pads aren’t on your fingers yet, you might think it has a bit of a kick. But of course when a vibrator is held firmly near it’s motor, the vibrations will always dampen to some degree. That’s what happens when you put the pads on your fingers, especially since these things are so damn tight. But while the vibrations in this thing are not ever going to be enough to even tease me, they might be enough for those who don’t really need much in the way of vibrations for a clitoral orgasm. I wouldn’t at all classify the vibrations as deep, or rumbly, or thuddy. They are just shy of being surface-buzzy, so I have felt more buzzy vibrators (a perfect example is the Extase Liberte – the Hello Touch is actually just a smidge more oomph-y than the Liberte and definitely not buzzy in comparison to it). My very first reaction to the vibrations was “wow, this is utter crap” but I’ve shown this to a few sex toy noobs and am, uncharacteristically, amending my initial judgment …..slightly.

However, I don’t think that the vibrations would be enough to be felt internally, on the g-spot, nor would they really do a whole lot for a penis if you can manage to adjust your handjob so that the fingerpads touch flesh. Should you try to turn the fingerpads around so that they are on the top side of your finger and hope for just proxy vibrations coursing through your fingertip, you will be disappointed. I also don’t feel that the vibrations would really be enough to aid in body massage, at all. They’re about as effective as blowing on skin. I have actually read a couple of reviews that indicate that the vibrations on this can be considered “powerful” and I am left shaking my head. I know that everybody likes something different but if you truly feel that the Hello Touch is powerful in use, then that is a good indication to me that I can’t read any of your other reviews because our idea of “powerful” is at opposite ends of the scale. On a scale of 1 to 4, as SheVibe rates things, I would rank the intensity of this absolutely no higher than a 2. If halfsies were allowed, I’d go firmly with 1.5. The beloved We-Vibe Salsa (Tango) blows this out of the water on its LOW setting. RO-80mm bullets are also much more powerful than Hello Touch. Even the Lelo Mia 2 on a Lowish-Medium setting (there are at least 10 discernible power settings) is more intense than the Hello Touch.

Power Pack: Moving on to the power pack, we find even more flaws. The most obvious being that the buttons take a good amount of pressure to turn off and on. If you have any sort of disability or weakness to your fingers, please don’t bother with this. I personally had to press really hard and dig my fingernail in, especially to turn it off, and that action therefore jammed the power pack into my wrist which also hurt like hell. In fact, sometimes I actually had to yank the thing off my wrist and use two hands to press hard enough to turn it off. When you take out the battery holder, you can see on it the buttons that turn it on and off. These line up with plastic dots glued to the silicone(?) button pad. When the battery pack is out of the case, the buttons are easy to push, so it’s merely just yet another design flaw. Also, in order to replace the batteries, there is a cap on the end that you must pry off. I have found that this is impossible to do without good, strong fingernails.

The grey wristband that holds the power pack is unbelievably confusing at first. If you don’t use this thing often, you’ll at first forget which button turns it on and which turns it off, because JimmyJane wanted to be so modern and minimalistic that there is no indication which is which. To up the confusion factor, they have imprinted three circles on the wristband. The top and bottom circles correspond to the buttons on the power pack, but that middle circle has no purpose except to annoy and confuse you. Actually when I looked inside (the inset bottom-right photo above) I could see that there were 3 raised buttons there on the inside of the power pack sleeve, yet as seen on the inset bottom-left photo, there is nothing in the middle for it to depress. The non-adjustable wrist band holds the power pack. The wrist band fit me mostly fine, but had to stay closer to my hand; on my girlfriend who is skinny, the wristband was too big and so the pack just flopped around. Could you sew the wrist band and make it fit a smaller wrist? Sure, but then it may not fit your partner. Another design flaw, although minor in comparison, is that the wire that runs from the pads to the powerpack is a lot longer than in the photos on the JJ site. I have a lot of extra length and that would just end up getting in the way and getting caught on things during use.

And yes, there is only one speed, and no patterns. Adding insult to injury, the power pack takes AAAA batteries. No, this is not a typo. I actually thought it was a typo when I read Joan Price’s review because I had never even heard of AAAA batteries. The only thing that I’ve seen that these are used in are those portable blood glucose monitors. The average price for a 2-pack is around $3.50 from what I’ve seen, and the power pack runs on 2 of these. They do include 2, thankfully. But a AAA battery isn’t really all that much bigger, I don’t understand why they couldn’t add on a few millimeters and allow the use of a more common battery. If you’re feeling adventurous though, you can rip open a 9-volt battery and steal the AAAA’s from there.

Included: Alright so we’ve determined that the box and such is minimal and definitely not good to be reused for storage. They do give you two of the required AAAA batteries. They also give you a pouch. I think. Did they perhaps forget to put a snap on mine? Because honestly, this makes no damn sense. It only snaps on one corner and it really doesn’t take much jostling around inside a bag to open up. I had mine in a section of my handbag and sure enough after a day or so I pulled out just the pouch. The manual is very minimal and is basically a series of drawings.

Anal Play?? OH HELL NO

Yes. JimmyJane actually recommends the Hello Touch for anal/prostate stimulation. I am utterly dumbfounded and frankly, upset at this. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO. This is NOT safe. If for any reason you are dead set on doing this, then please use a fingercot to cover the pads and hold them on.

You see, each vibration pod is removable from the finger pad/strap. They are not one solid unit. This design does allow for easier cleaning, but it makes it not very safe for anal play. Once you are using this internally and rubbing around, lubrication (natural or from a bottle) will start to get in between the plastic vibration pod and the finger pad harness. With pressure applied, especially the sort of pressure that the rectum can provide, there is a chance that the finger strap harness thingie will slide off the vibration pod and stay in your butt. If the straps are not super tight on your finger, then the pressure combined with lube could make the whole thing slide off your finger, remaining inside. This isn’t a problem vaginally but could be anally; vaginally you could use your fingers to go retrieve it while anally you would likely end up tugging it by the cord. This could damage the vibration pod, or again separate the vibration pod from the silicone finger strap and leave that part inside the rectum.

BAD, JIMMYJANE. BAD.

Pros:

Visually, it is an improvement over the Fukuoko gloves

Very small all around

The vibrations are not so surface-buzzy that they have no hope of getting someone off

Might be decent for a scalp massage, but you’ll certainly make a mess of their hair, possibly yank some out

Cons:

Retail is about $65 for this, I feel it’s too much since it isn’t even silicone

Vibrations won’t be enough for most people

The buttons on the powerpack are obscenely hard to push

The powerpack wrist band is not adjustable, and will not fit very thick arms or thin arms

The finger straps are only comfortable on the smallest of feminine fingers

Vibrating pods require patience and dexterity to put back into the silicone fingerpad strap things

Useless even as a body massage companion, the vibrations are just not enough to add to the experience

You will need a travel pouch, as the silicone material will attract dust/powder/fur/hair, but the included pouch is fairly useless

So, NO Gizmodo, this is NOT the “best sex toy ever invented”, not by a long shot.

Unfortunately, this style of vibrator just cannot seem to be perfected yet. It’s kinda like the remote control bullet or panties. These types of sex toys are nearly always very expensive, fairly weak in vibrations, aren’t going to fit the majority of the population and simply don’t deliver on their pie-in-the-sky promises. These actually are “novelty” items. So I have nothing else to recommend to you instead of this, if the idea is something you like. I think that JimmyJane should knock it the fuck off with ridiculous shit like the “Jet Set” and the damn Bouncy House, because their collective brain cells are needed to produce something decent in the sex toy world (which this isn’t).

The Hello Touch was provided to me by SheVibe in exchange for an honest review.

Wow. I’d seen a few glowing reviews of this and it had made me excited but yours throws any excitement right out of me. Epiphora has said before that Jimmyjane generally make crap and lie and this proves her right.

Ignoring everything else, it’s despicable that this isn’t the silicone they say it is. Pretty much everything about this seems to be a lie. Thank you for writing such a long review and covering everything. I really wouldn’t have known otherwise!

http://rollinthehay.blogspot.com K

Ugh! I’m so disappointed that it was such a huge fail. When I first came across it and saw that it took AAAA batteries, I thought it was a typo and had to look it up!

http://beckandherkinks.com Beck

I’ve only owed one JimmyJane and that is the Iconic smoothie. I like it for a back up toy, but from what I hear about every JimmyJane item; I don’t want any others. Such a share about this one. Though, I rarely like finger vibes.

http://dangerouslilly.com Lilly

@Rei – I have had 2 JJ vibes before this one, I could actually only be arsed to review the one I hated the most. Between those and seeing the Iconics line in person, I’ve hated JJ for years but like anybody can get sucked into the hype when a new one comes out.

@K – I KNOW RIGHT??? WTF. I actually asked for AAAA batteries in a store, since I couldn’t find them, and was asked what that was. Even they didn’t know!

@Beck – I can see the appeal of a fingertip vibe, I’ve had my hand cramp up before holding on to a small, clitoral vibe. But they never deliver.

http://subreiskyem.blogspot.co.uk SubReiSkyeM

@Lilly: Yes, I read your other JJ review as well. All the hatred kind of makes me want one just so I can hate it publicly too, haha. There are a lot of better toys out there though so I’m going to avoid wasting my time with this one.

Also now that you’ve added the “bag” picture, it really is quite appalling. It looks goddamn awful!

Ketsia

Do you plan to share this post with JimmyJane? If so, do you think they’ll do anything?

http://dangerouslilly.com Lilly

@Ketsia – I don’t know. I have this feeling that I would be either A: Ignored B: Threatened or C: Lied to EVEN MORE. When I called OhMiBod out on the kegel ball holster material not being pure silicone, they swore up down left and right that my flame test results were not happening for them (despite it being duplicated by two others), then they said that the flame test is not accurate, citing utterly incorrect temps for a Bic lighter flame, and so on.
I’ve heard that JJ plans to fix the fact that the fingerpads are godawful tight – but you just can’t make PURE silicone behave that way, so they would have to (I would hope) publicly admit that they’re changing it to make it more pliable. I’d be happy if they would remove their claims of “medical grade” (i.e. non-porous) silicone, and stop telling people that it’s safe for anal insertion but again….I just don’t see that happening. Not if it’s just coming from me.

The problem is that as far as I can see, I am one of only two people who have written such a negative review. I do not feel that I am being unfairly harsh here, so I only have to assume that others who have reviewed it positively don’t feel comfortable writing extremely negative reviews on such a major company. And since I am a voice in the minority…they’re not going to listen to me.

http://BexTalksSex.com Becca

Thanks for the honest review I thought it could be a really cool and different thing to add to my collection but I recently tried it out in Babeland NYC and was very disappointed.

http://deviantdildos.com solitudinarian

This didn’t seem appealing to begin with, especially when I found out that it takes AAAAs. Still, I wasn’t expecting it to be quite this terrible. Yikes!

gx

In minor defense of Jimmyjane, the Form 2 is an amazing clitoral stimulator. Also, Fukoku does do a three-finger vibe, and GrrlToyz by Topco has put out a few different finger vibes over the years – while they’re not strong in vibration, they are comfortable to wear and the motors are actually in little elastomer balls at the end of the finger-sleeve, so they vibrate freely without much transference. Great for sensory play.

All that said, though, the problems I have with Jimmyjane are that they seem to rush their toy releases and don’t do much product testing with a controlled pool. Total aesthetic over function vanity items (have you seen their “Fuck Design” toy? At $275-$375, more like “What The Fuck Design”). With some major design and materials improvements, though, I could see the Hello Touch being a good toy.

http://dangerouslilly.com Lilly

@gx – Yeah I knew Fukuoku had a 3-finger, but I think it’s out of production or something? It was very difficult to find online. They seem to be pushing the single-finger design (and also seem equally clueless, they think that 9K vibrations or 12K vibrations means more power….it doesn’t, it means it’s more buzzy).

I’ve not see the Fuck Design.

I agree though, with MAJOR changes, this could be something decent. Every “con” I listed is something that, in theory, they could actually implement as a change. Somehow though I don’t seem them doing that. Not when ass-kissy people give them faux-reviews of the glowing sort and bestow them with awards.

gx

@Lilly – I’m with you, these definitely aren’t reviews and yours is by far the most informative. I think a huge design change they could make immediately is actually making the finger straps pure silicone and simply offering several different size options in the toy box – if the finger-straps can be removed for cleaning, surely they can be switched out for different sizes. Also offering silicone sleeve options to make them safe for anal play.

IMO, I think We-Vibe could make a great finger-vibe. They put weights on their motors to create that rumbly vibration (though that in itself presents certain problems, as the weight can shift off the motor and then the toy is kaput), and that raw silicone texture feels just like fingertips or a tongue when combined with a little moisture.

http://www.NakedAtOurAge.com Joan Price

Love this review! I knew it performed at far below its claims, as i said in my own review, but I didn’t realize that it isn’t even silicone. Thank you for the depth of your review. (Thanks also for linking to my review of this lackluster oddity.)

http://early2bed.com searah

My staff and I were not impressed with this toy at all. How could I possibly sell a toy with sad vibrations that turned your fingers blue almost instantly!? And pretty much every other thing you touched on was spot on. Thanks for breaking it down and validating my feelings!

http://sexsational.wordpress.com/ fire

I was completely stopped at the “requires AAAA batteries.” I am not magic, I shop for batteries at the dollar store, and I can pretty much guarantee that they don’t have those batteries. Thanks for all the information that I couldn’t get from a product page – at least now I know my curiosity will be satisfied just playing with it in a store.

SeanJameson

Thanks for the honest review Lilly. Jimmy Jane obviously have great marketing people and all the right contacts for positive reviews, as you alluded to. We bought another one of their products, the FORM 2 based on Amazon reviews, not a bad product, but like with the Hello touch, it’s way too expensive for what it actually is…regular vibrator with a neat charging station. What you’re paying for is the marketing/packaging :(

http://summerdiamondblonde.blogspot.com Summer Diamond

I’ve never used a toy like this and don’t plan to after reading this. That looks so uncomfortable to wear :\

http://www.screaming-violet.com Violet

I honestly wonder who the hell they get to test these toys!! Do they actually get tested in ‘the wild’ so to speak? You would think they would try and work out the issues before releasing products… but here’s what I’ve been thinking…

Most people buy sex toys online so unless they have done some research or read reviews they don’t know that all the fancy, relatively convincing promo material is a load of crapola. It’s not until they receive the toy & try it out that they discover for themselves that its a dud. Being that it is a sex toy they aren’t as likely to ask for, let alone demand a refund as they would if it were a bath towel claiming to be luxuriously thick but upon arrival it’s discovered that you can see through the fabric. So why would Jimmy Jane bother to perfect anything. All they need to perfect is their promotional campaign.

It’s not a business strategy that I would consider and I can’t say that Jimmy Jane looks at things this way, It is just a theory.

I honestly can’t comprehend why these sex toy manufacturers let such fatally flawed designs get past the testing phase & into production let alone releasing them for sale.

http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

Wow. I thought this was ridiculous but now I know it is

http://www.behindthechintzcurtain.com Jane

Holy flame-throwers. This is not coming anywhere near me. I’m super curious about the FTIR data shows; the ‘almost pure’ terminology is very confusing … Would you drink ‘almost pure’ water? I know I wouldn’t. Well, not unless I was dying of thirst, anyway.

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