Should the Elderly Downsize?

A while ago, David Halpern from the Behavioural Insights Team talked of the under-occupation of houses and the desirability of pensioners returning to work to combat loneliness and early mortality. The Saga (over 50s) group replied that it was outrageous social engineering for the Government to suggest that older people don’t deserve to live in their own homes.

I suppose what the Government would prefer would be for all people living alone in what used to be their family home before their partner died and the kids moved out, to move into a one-bedroomed property and give up their home to a family, thus doing their bit for the housing crisis.

Before he died, it was suggested to my uncle by his daughters that he might benefit from downsizing to a little retirement flat near to them. Both his daughters had been born in the 3-bedroomed house where he had lived with my aunt for 52 years. My aunt had died 5 years’ previously, but my uncle hadn’t wanted to remove any of her clothes or other personal belongings. Every time we went there her paints and canvasses were still laid out on the table where she had left them. Her clothes still hung in her wardrobe, but the house had a bleak feel to it. Uncle Stan sat in his armchair, depressed and lonely and refused to move out of the house which held so many memories for him and where he had raised his family. Within 18 months of her death he had changed from a sociable, outgoing man into a thin shadow of himself, barely eating and wracked with Alzheimer’s disease. His daughters did what they could, but both worked and did not live near to him.

Would the Alzheimer’s have taken hold so soon if he’d been ensconced in a retirement complex where he saw the warden and other residents every day? His daughters could have visited more often too. However, Uncle Stan did not want to move from the home he had lived in for over half a century.

I can sympathise with both sides of the story. Elderly people do not like change, especially having to uproot and leave all that is familiar – and why should they? Stan had worked all his life to pay his mortgage and provide for his family – why should he have to leave the house he loved just because his daughters wanted him to? He was in his home, where he felt safe and comfortable. Reminders of Aunt June were all around him, and indeed, there he stayed until his death in February 2017, lonely and just existing until the Grim Reaper came to take him away. He eschewed carers, and it was left to neighbours to pop in with meals on the days his daughters were not able to visit.

On the other hand, in a little retirement flat he could have had more visitors, and the warden might have even persuaded him to receive Meals-on-Wheels. Who knows – he might have lived longer and maybe even staved off Alzheimer’s disease. However, would he have been any happier, after being removed from all that he knew?

It’s a tricky one. My grandmother was forcefully uprooted at the age of 70 as her East End house was due to be demolished. She cried for a year, but eventually got used to her new one-bedroomed council flat. My mother Dot had 3 house moves in her final 10 years, but as I was nearby for all of them and could visit every day, it didn’t hit her as hard.

There’s no hard and fast answer to this one. I thought how I would feel if I’d lived in a house for over 50 years and then somebody asked me to move. Would I move if I was mobile enough and in my right mind? Hell no! If I was not so mobile I probably would agree to carers and Meals-on-Wheels though, if of course there are going to be any left after council cutbacks. If not, then disability might force me to buy a retirement flat, but I certainly wouldn’t be too happy about living in a pygmy home barely big enough to swing the proverbial cat.

What about you? Would you downsize if you were elderly and the only person left in your family home?

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31 thoughts on “Should the Elderly Downsize?”

I just went through this in November with my father. It was a very hard decision although me and my father discussed this years before the time came. He said he did not want to be placed in a home so I made sure that I followed his wishes when the time came.
Me and my brother made it happen for my dad to remain in the home he was born and raised plus raised most of his 12 children. He was released on hospice so we already knew what would happen after so long! It was sun up to sundown taking care of him! As a child (the way I was raised) we was taught to take care of our parents when they age because they took care of us. It doesn’t matter what you have going on “ you do it” make arrangements to give them what they have given you all your life! We did just that! Was it the easiest, of course not! You make it work for them!

Me myself, I would not want to be moved after many years of being housed in one place and this is all I know! My dad use to say “ I don’t want to go look at them ugly folks” haha! So we made him very comfortable at home! He was able to talk, walk with assistance but mostly he stayed in bed! We as kids, family and friends should not wait until something terminally ill happens to have these discussions. You just never know what is going to happen! I am a big believer in planning and this is just one of the things people do not wan to talk about! With over 14 years of experience as a CNA and over 10 years of being a caregiver to my dad, I ask that you do not wait to discuss this with the people you love and the ones that you know care about you! This way when the unforeseen happens things will be in place!
As you all know it really about the patient so be mindful of having these discussions! It really helps!
Nothing would have made me change my decision for my dad! It didnt matter how hard it became, me and my brother made him happy in his last days! Please give them their wishes as it makes them that much more happier and a easy transition.

It’s easier if there are other siblings to share the burden. I am an only child, and couldn’t be there 24 hours a day, run a home and go to work. Mum moved into a sheltered flat where there were carers on site, and where I could visit at any time of day. It suited both of us.

I know it can be of such a burden to deal with being an only child with an elderly parent. Another way to combat them from leaving home is to utilize friends and family of your parent or either your friends that you trust. Trust plays a big issue and dependability. We tend to think that people do not want to help because it is us that is going through.
If you can’t be there or money is an issue there are many ways to thank someone for the favor.
One being take them out to dinner, buy a gift every now and then, visit them to see if they need any help around the house or anything in that nature to keep our elderly happy and healthy. Also to mention, we can not let our loved ones see that they are putting strain on us in these situations then they tend to think they are a burden!
I know with my father people was coming out of the woodworks asking to help care for him but because I knew his wishes me and my brother tackled it. As you stated everyone does not have that option so when that is an issue you try to make it work for the patient. I am happy that you all had a happy ending and both of you where satisfied. God bless

The housing crisis isn’t caused by people living in houses too big for them, but developers not building the houses that are needed. A common trick is to apply for planning permission meeting all the requirements of the Local Plan and then threatening to pull out, using the ‘financially unviable site’ excuse, knowing local authorities haven’t got the cash to fight them at appeal. The developers then get to build their four and five bedroom executive homes alongside a token number of affordable homes that are in greatest demand.

Older people should downsize if it’s in their interests, not the interests of a few housing developers pretending to deal with Britain’s chronic housing shortage.

There’s also not much land available in this country to build homes on, unless we start eating into the greenbelt. Many arable fields around where we live have now become housing estates. I know we need more homes, but it’s such a shame to bulldoze the countryside.

What do we want to accomplish in our final years? For some people downsizing might be a chance to form the social network they need to learn new skills and for other people being alone around the familiar can be chance to reflect on one’s life, and to write about it. I might choose the
option of downsizing.

When we moved to this ‘retirement village’ 7 years ago it was still under construction. One bungalow and plot was larger than the others – still 2 bedrooms, but all 4 rooms and the hall were larger. We were amazed and delighted to learn that it was the same price as all the others (this was just after the price crash) so jumped at it. At the same time we moved in, 9 of the smaller bungalows were purchased by the council and allocated to people on their list. One elderly gentleman is a widower living alone but his son and daughter-in-law live just around the corner in what was the family home. This is a small town where everyone knows everyone else. The daughter-in-law is in Mrs P’s knitting group and conversation frequently features the old gentleman and his exploits. She told Mrs P that she and her husband took a lot of ‘stick’ from the neighbours for ‘throwing your father out of his home’. The reality was that, aged 77 at the time, he made all the arrangements himself, they knew nothing about it until he showed them the key! He doesn’t have to fit in with the family’s plans, has his own place to himself but can pop around the corner to visit with them whenever he wishes and his grand-kids also only have to come around the corner to visit with him. An ideal arrangement, surely.

Things we think about as we age. I can imagine how Stan felt not wanting to leave as most aging people don’t really want to be uprooted from what they’re comfortable with. I know when my mother was moved to a facility where she still had her own little apartment but there were nursing services as part of the development she hated it and became even more bitter than she already was. I had already banished her from my life just prior to that move that my poor brother took the brunt of, but she needed care and as my brother was pretty much the only remaining person in her life, he couldn’t take care of her 24/7. Despite not having contact with her I felt so very sorry for how small her grandiose life had become. It’s all so very sad.

It is. I’m not sure the facilities and benefits that were available to my mother will still be around for Sam and I in 20 – 30 years’ time if we live that long. It’s a bit scary – there will be millions of us ‘boomers’, but no money left in the kitty!

Have we had this discussion before? I think it depends a great deal on how each person views ‘Home’. I can very well see how someone who has lived for many years in the same house, brought up family there, is part of the community having had the same neighbours for decades, ageing together, would hate to move out. Even though the large garden where their children once played is now difficult to manage, three of the four bedrooms are rarely used, negotiatiing stairs is difficult, the idea of moving to somewhere where you have to make new friends would be daunting.
My mother and her second husband did it, moving from the family home they’d created, first to a bungalow in the dame village then to sheltered accommodation several miles away. Eventually, after Harry died, Mum moved to another sheltered flat close to my sister’s home but she was not really happy there. She got on well with the neighbours and always had tales to tell us about them and their families but the pain of arthritis, the diabetes that resulted from her reduced mobility left her wishing for the end.
As for me and my missus, we’ve moved around so many times that when it came to retirement we had no intention of staying in the house we’d owned for 15 years – the longest of any and purchased long after our only child had left home. But we did choose to move to Ireland to be near him and his child. We have a decent sized bungalow with a garden on a retirement village development. That designation simply relates to the age restriction on ownership – over 55s only – and does not indicate any special supports. We tend to find that many of the activities organised for our age group do not appeal to us. But we do engage socially with other writers (me) and other knitters/crocheters (her).

Sounds just like my uncle – with no family of their own we had wanted them to move near us, but they got a stair lift instead for the little teraced house they had lived in forever – not a case of downsizing as you couldn’t get much smaller. As my uncle had loved talking to people I’m sure he would have been happier not left on his own, but after my aunt’s death he would not even pop across the road to visit their several widow friends.
But my mother 91, in Australia, has been happier after her own decision to move into ‘a home’, but then she had moved quite a few times in her life. Her other friends had died, she has new friends and goes to card making and knitting group and great granddaughter and the others come to visit.
Visiting the housebound with ‘Books on Wheels’ two facts are evident. Once you are stuck in one room dependent on others you are not independent and it’s not really your home anymore.
Don’t downsize too tiny if there are two of you or even one person and you want to stay as long as possible. When disabilities crop up your living space will be crammed with walkers, trollies, folded wheelchairs, perhaps even a hospital style bed in your living room and of course a comode. If a couple are still together they will probably drive each other round the bend!
Plan ahead if you can, before you are past accepting advice!

Yes I can vouch for the living space full of disability aids. My mother’s flat was full, with a hospital bed, three types of Zimmer frames, a walker, and a wheelchair. There was hardly any room to move.

One thing people forget is that as they grow older, people become more mentally fragile and seem to provide support for themselves with familiar surroundings. My late father-in-law was happy and self reliant pottering about surrounded by his own stuff, doing things in his own time and his own way. At 95 he was still doing his own income tax.
But taken out of those surroundings by a fall that put him in hospital he shriveled in front of our eyes and two months later he died, having been reduced to the stage where he was on full Alzheimer’s care (although he hadn’t got Alzheimer’s that’s the level of care he heeded.)
Moving people out of their familiar surroundings can also be a death sentence.

It is a very difficult choice and there are no easy answers.
I wonder if, in the case of your uncle, whether he really wanted to go any any more without his wife? (Never having met him I obviously haven’t a clue)
Certainly as church warden we see one of a couple carried into the church for their funeral, and the other often follows them just a year or so after

I’m like you Stevie…I can see both sides. But sometimes, I think the want to stay “in our house” is more of a mindset and not always the best option. Especially as people lose their mobility, that creates a loss of socialness which his so important!!
Rob’s mom never wanted to move into a home, yet once she did, she was the life of the party!!
XOXO
Jodiehttp://www.jtouchofstyle.com