Can men and women be friends (at work)?

We live in an era when gay marriage is legal in our state, nearly making out with your dog — and posting the evidence on Facebook — is the norm and partying with your boss acceptable. But, as a society, we’ve yet to embrace one relationship: the platonic male/female friendship — especially in the office.

When a man and woman spend time together outside of the obligatory meetings and strict morale of the workplace, people talk. Speculation builds and rumors spread. And if the pair are married (not to each other), soon coworkers have the two of them jetting off to Fiji and living happily ever after as a couple.

“Perception is reality. While the relationship may be completely appropriate, the perception is that it is not and it can damage someone’s career,” says Dan Moran, president of Next-Act in Colonie.

If statistics are to be believed, that perception — as skewed as it may be, in some cases — may not be hard to understand. Nearly 40 percent of people have dated coworkers, according to a survey from Career Builder, and one-third have married a coworker. No wonder colleagues quickly think a budding friendship between a male and female coworker is likely to go from analyzing spreadsheets to getting together between the sheets.

Sometimes the person you relate to most in the office will be of the opposite sex. And, if you want to pursue that friendship, caution is paramount.

“I wouldn’t go out to lunch every day with someone,” says Thomas J. Denham, a career counselor and owner of Careers in Transition in Albany. “Once a month is not going to cause suspicions, but anything more than that will.”

You could go out once a week and it could be completely benign, he says, but, as Moran noted, people will talk about it. And, really, with perception being key in the business world, what others are thinking and saying matters, and can affect your success.

The biggest issue is a lack of trust among subordinates, says Moran. Colleagues become suspicious of promotions and professionalism is tainted. Sometimes the situation boils to the point that one of the two people has to leave the company — and usually that’s the woman, says Moran.

While it’s natural for people who spend a lot of time together — obviously easy to do in the workplace — to form a bond, the friendship can quickly get sticky for people who are married, says Tracy Smith, the board president with Capital Region Human Resource Association. While she’s not entirely opposed to the pairings, she says the real issue can be at home.

“If you are married, make sure it’s open what your relationship is with your spouses,” says Smith. “If you are in a relationship and your spouse is not comfortable with it, you don’t have that relationship.”

35 Responses

Yes, very much so! I can say with conviction that I have made many female friends in my years in the work force, and many long lasting female friendships. sociology is a part of the workplace, and you cant have a functional workplace without it!

I agree with #1. You spend the majority of your time with people at work, and you shouldn’t have to pick and choose your friendships based on gender. If there’s trust and open communication, I do not see why men and women cannot be (just) friends.

I work in a job that requires a lot of travel, many times with my male coworkers, so naturally, after many hours in the car, dinners, breakfasts, training sessions, etc we have all gotten to know each other very well. At first my husband was really uncomfortable with the idea of me spending nights in hotels with my male co-workers (albeit always in seperate rooms) but once he got to know them (all of whom are married) he actually feels much MORE comfortable with me traveling with someone to watch my back. I think it probably depends on the office environment though. I guess if I spent a lot of time with them outside the office while we were home, it would have a completely different perception than our work trips. Still though, to others outside my field, they always get a strange look when I saw I traveled with my male coworkers.

Kristi, I agree with comment #4, a really unfortunate juxtaposition of statements at the beginning of the article which seems to equate accepting marriage equality with kissing a dog. I actually thought this would have led into the fact that for openly gay and lesbian individuals hanging out with a co-working of the same sex might raise eyebrows. That might be interesting to look into to now that more gay and lesbian people feel comfortable with being open about their sexuality at work. But, I digress.

I think the way to avoid people talking is to invite other co-workers along if you are going to spend time with a co-working outside of the office. Kind-of like the Victorians did, always have a chaperone along who can attest that nothing unseemly went on.

its very easy to become strictly platonic friends.. and the friends know this… but theres always even a smidgen of wonder behind the scene.. Especially when others are strategically excluded from convo’s, “business matters”.. promotions happen, special care is given to one… theres always doubt. no matter how innocent it is.

Jerk wells, yes even at CDTA! in the 13 YEARS i worked there, there I people who i worked with over that period of time who I considered,(and still consider) as friends, people who even came to my defense! It is the people who i worked with for far less a period of time at CDTA, as in less than 6 months who create my problems there! Ive made many a good friend in places ive worked ESPECIALLY female and Im happy that i have!

If men and women can’t be friends at work, they can’t be friends at all. Personally, I think if you start a new job and go in looking to make friends, that’s where you’re bound to have it backfire on you.

I believe friendships should happen organically, not forced due to circumstance. Just because we’re around each other eight hours a day and have to communicate regularly doesn’t mean we should grab a drink Friday after work or become Facebook friends.

I speak from experience when I say that people in general can just be platonic friends with a coworker (or anyone) of the opposite sex. I can also honestly say that I have never been interested in my friend romantically and I also consider his wife a friend. Sure, once upon a time, the workplace rumor mill was abound regarding speculation of the nature of our friendship. However, we ignored it and both had a very good laugh about what we had heard. I’m also willing to bet that we didn’t hear EVERYTHING that people might have been talking about. The way I see it, I have nothing to hide if people wanted to go and dig up anything. However, I would be naive to think that people *weren’t* talking about it since gossip flourishes.

Granted, I’ve seen these friendships turn into actual relationships and thought something more-than-meets-the-eye was going on with other platonic workplace friendships. But until you see the evidence for yourself, then it really is only speculation.

I bet there are even people in work environments (including my own) who are together, but NOBODY would even know it because they separate their professional and personal lives.

‘If your spouse is jealous of your relationship with a female co-worker, your marriage has some serious issues.’ – I agree.

If you work in an office environment, regardless of the industry, rumors and gossip will eventually infiltrate. People love to talk, they always have. It doesn’t matter if you’re best buds with your secretary or the mail guy or just happen to be seen getting off the elevator, smiling, at the same time as a co-worker of the opposite sex, if someone wants to turn it into something more, they’ll try their best to do so. It’s up the the handful of mature people in the office to ignore it anad not get caught up in the high school antics.

It’s always been my policy to keep work and play completely separate…it’s quieter than way.

Of course men and women can be friends at work, but the thought that something more may be going on is the fuel to the gossip sessions every morning at the coffee machine. What else would people talk about, the weather? I have a male friend at work with whom I sometimes grab lunch with or a drink after work. I know people talk about it, but quite frankly I don’t care. The only persons opinion that I care about is my husbands and he knows the relationship is strictly platonic.

#5 Kristi, you cant justify the sentence. Putti gay marriage in that statement at all insinuates that it is odd at best. You should consider your comparisons a bit better. Im certain ou offended more people than you know. I not gay and still thought you berated friends of mine.

I’m upset with your hurtful remarks regarding the pics of my dog and I on Facebook. I think the people so upset about the gay marriage statement need to stop being so selfish and think about those of us that love our dogs…are you kidding me people, relax

Gossipy folks will find something to talk about no matter what. People who will not honor your relationships/marriages can be found lurking in every corner. Compulsive liars and sociopaths walk among us. Too tiresome to worry what “they” think.

Gossip happens about all topics so there is no avoiding what other people would say anyway. I’ve been friends at work with the opposite sex and it has always worked out just fine.

However, I take my career seriously and conduct myself in the office with the same class and brains that I would if I were friends with a male co-worker or a female co-worker. I know you can’t control everything people may speculate about but I choose not to give anyone much ammo to start with.

Just don’t blantantly have favorites at work, push your friend’s projects first or hire your relatives. Happy ending for everyone!

Agreeing with Rachel T – I don’t know if this is an autocorrect issue but I’m thinking that “sublime” isn’t the word you wanted to use.

Whatever you intended to write – I’m trying very hard to give you the benefit of the doubt – the intro to the story reads as “Look at all these crazy and inappropriate things that society embraces – yet we still can’t handle men and women being friends!” It should not have been published as written. Period.

s, I am sorry you feel that way, but stand behind what I wrote. The sole purpose of that lede was to show society is progressive on so many things yet we can’t handle male/female friendships in the workplace.

I think the caution is way overstated. Men and women are friends all the time at work and seldom an eyebrow is raised — especially in places (like where I work) where there are a lot of younger people.

Sure, sometimes affairs start in the workplace, and if you’re way overboard about it people will talk even if there’s nothing inappropriate going on… but going to lunch with someone more than once a month isn’t way overboard.

I consider this positive for society – it points to greater gender equality in the workplace – and fortunate for me personally. I’ve always struggled to make friends with other men and find it easier to work professionally with women and more enjoyable to socialize with women. But like most people I’m smart enough to know better than to cross the line into potential sexual harassment or to cheat on my spouse. Some obviously don’t know better and should heed this advice, but to others it comes across as passe and out of touch with reality.

Weighing in a little late on this, but when I read this post yesterday, I too cringed at the inclusion of gay marriage and kissing your dog in the same sentence. It sounds too similar to what Rick Santorum said a few years ago when he compared homosexuality with man-on-dog sex.

Fact is, marrying the person you love, regardless of gender (yours and theirs) is far different from making out with your dog. One is a beautiful expression of love, the other is, well, gross. The juxtaposition of those two items, listed together in a short series of what is “the norm” or what passes for acceptable these days, suggests that you, Kristi, also think that same sex marriage is gross, or unacceptable or shouldn’t be the norm. I trust that was not your intent, but it can easily be read that way.

the fact is, people should mind their own buisness! But since most people are petty and shallow and are motivated by the worst instead of the best, they cause problems! You have to live in the real world, and in the real world people will socialize and fraternize!
DEAL WITH IT!!! and if you cant MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUISNESS AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!