Clegg “We must prostitute our morals to the highest bidder”

Lib Dem Leader Nick Clegg has told fellow Liberal Democrats that they must prostitute their morals like a tupenny whore in order to get into a coalition with the most popular party following the 2015 General Election.

“We should do or say anything that means we give the appearance of staying in power whilst in reality propping up an unpopular government. As long as it’s legal. Unless of course there’s a grey area.

“People vote for us knowing we can be relied upon to jump straight into bed with whoever has a sniff of a chance of power. And that makes us exciting. It’s a bit like clicking the old I’m feeling lucky button on google or ticking the lucky dip box on the lottery. Personally I can’t wait to find out what point I’m going to be arguing. And if it’s a different point of view to the one I claim to hold now, I’ll issue a very heartfelt apology on you tube which might be made into a song.

“We might even be teaming up with UKIP which will mean a huge u-turn. But I’ll explain my reasons by saying things like ‘look’ and ‘I think it’s important that…’ and waving my finger about before blaming labour or maybe the greens if I’m in coalition with labour.

“And if the Natural Law Party make a resurgence, we should also be sitting in full lotuses, bouncing across the floor.”

Chief Secretary to the treasury Danny Alexander added “We can be whatever you want us to be. We’re sitting at home. Wearing only our pants. Waiting for your call.”