THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.
Anyone under 18 should leave immediately.
This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Agony and Ecstasy

The AgonyTelling W that I was leaving for a couple of days and want him to move out. I took the chicken's way out, and told him on the phone as I was driving out of town. He tried a couple of ways to emotionally blackmail me, threatening to disappear and not stay in N's life. I refused to let him blackmail me this time though. This time I said "Do what you have to. I think it would be better for N if you stayed in his life. I want you to stay in his life, but you do what you have to."

Work also sucks. At the busiest time of the year, we have one coworker out on maternity leave leaving the other four of us to pick up the slack. Although I was supposed to have all this week off, I had to work Wednesday and will have to be back Friday. I am not happy.

The EcstasyI'm with BJ since last night until early tomorrow morning. He is wonderful. Being with him is wonderful. Touching him, kissing him and all the rest is wonderful. Staring into his eyes is wonderful. Talking to him is wonderful. Yes, this is the ecstasy in my life. Unfortunately, at least for now, it comes in much too small quantity.

AOHS & Fiona,Yes, I do very much appreciate and enjoy the small amount of time BJ and I get to have together. It was hell leaving this morning, but I had to drive all the way back to work (~3 hours). It was very hard to walk away from those touches and kisses we shared this morning before I left.

But now, abruptly, I'm back in the real world left to deal with the agonizing part of my life, and left to look forward to the next time BJ and I can be together.

FL, thanks for that. I struggle with that one a lot, feeling like if he disappears (or kills himself, another threat he has made, rarely, but he has made it) that it would be my fault because I could have prevented it if I just "behaved myself." As long as I do that, though, he has all the power, and I have none. Life shouldn't be like that.

Join The Masses Who Follow Me

Subscribe To

Countdowns

Words to Live By

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown

Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ

The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.

You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5