Alexander Skarsgard. I have no words.

I'm not sure how to begin, because if you look at the photograph to the right, or the three images below this text, you'll see that Alexander Skarsgard is on the cover of Interview this month and there are just no words. In addition to the cover and an editorial feature inside the magazine, the Nordic actor sat down to chat with Arcade Fire's Win Butler about the awesomeness of failure (because both men obviously have tons of experience), the very relatable problem of being typecast as a sexy Nordic vampire, and how it's so totally weird that he has such obsessive fans. The last bit is almost certainly one of the great mysteries of the natural universe: why-oh-why are so many young women all across the US so painfully attracted to plain old Alex Skarsgard? It's not like he plays an arrogant but fiercely principled blood-sucker with a secret soft side on a fun, gory television show and makes a habit of smoldering from the pages of national magazines. Oh wait, that's exactly what he does, and I'd like him to continue so I'm going to have to ask him to just please be quiet so I can go about my business and continue to objectify him. [DippedInCream]

Too busy scheming in his lair to notice the half-naked model prostrating herself on his bed. Or the fact that his mattress is missing.

"When did I get so orange?"

Just a regular guy at heart, Alexander Skarsgard is still hoping he'll get a chance to play for the Major Leagues someday.

Critical darling Paris Hilton falls out of favor

In a surprising turn of events, Paris Hilton's new reality show has been slammed by critics across the board. Much like the perennial writer's writer James Joyce, Paris Hilton has mastered the craft of reality stardom, and her fine work as tabloid trash has received accolade upon accolade ever since her stunning debut film, A Night in Paris. Since she was gearing up for a return to the classic reality show format, expectations of another masterpiece were at a fever pitch, but it looks like the crème de la crème of socialites has lost her golden touch. “Paris’s new show fails to deliver any frothy fun and the star comes across as completely unlikable,” says Entertainment Weekly. “A lot of time has passed since Paris had a hit show, the bleached blonde has failed to evolve. She comes off as a Sony Walkman in an iPod era, a Friendster in the age of Facebook,” writes Alessandra Stanley for The New York Times. Ouch! It looks like reality television will have to find a new auteur. [DailyStab, GirlsTalkinSmack]

Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen might be dating, but they aren't meant to be

My generation's teenage dreamboat, Justin Timberlake, has been spending all of his free time with boho gremlin Ashley Olsen. Even though JT's rep insists that they're "just friends," we all know that's not how things play out in magical celebrity land. The pair was first spotted making a night of it at a Saturday Night Live afterparty, but soon they were traipsing around Broadway and going to shows, and then they galloped off to a polo match together. It's only a matter of time before they're spotted holding hands and whispering sweet nothings after nightfall on a quiet boulevard in Monte Carlo. While we wait for the chips to fall as they may, let me just put it out there that even though I'm not opposed to their coupling, Timberlake and the less terrifying Olsen twin do seem like a mismatch. JT is extraordinarily gregarious and energetic and although Ashley Olsen may be cute, can you imagine her laughing? Not like a saccharine, girly giggle, but a deep, genuine belly laugh — the laugh of a girl that's comfortable with herself and would be happier to spend a moment or two with someone she really likes instead of peering into the gaping void of her overstuffed closet. No way, right? If she tried to laugh like that, her mouth would twist itself into a grimace and the high-pitched whinnying sound would tumble out of her throat and that would be all, folks. [RightCelebrity]

Courtney Love and the sad state of our criminal justice system

Courtney Love was ordered to pay over $35,000 in unpaid wages, penalties, and interest to two of her former maids. Glad to hear that the ladies, Miriam and Myrium, got justice, but the relatively paltry sum is criminal. Cleaning up after the notoriously grunge-y grunge rocker must be hell on earth: I'd imagine that it involves washing down lipstick-scrawled curses from the walls, retrieving empty bottles of champagne from inside the toilet bowl, and scrubbing clumps of hair out of the refrigerator drawers. After all that, Miriam and Myrium deserve way more than thirty-five grand: they're owed a mansion, and maybe even Courtney's first-born. [Earsucker]

Sean Penn is back on the market – sorry ScarJo!

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn have split – fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! The couple had only been seeing each other for a short time, and the cause of the breakup is still unknown, but some sources speculate that the pair chose to part ways after Penn read my earlier post, where I criticize Johansson for letting her hair get all limpy at her first public appearance on the arm of her beau. Dear Sean, if you're reading this now, please note: I use volumizing conditioner. Also, next week is still pretty open for me, but my calendar will fill up fast so please schedule ahead! [HaveUHeard]