Day 20 – Super Mario Bros: The Movie

Super Mario Bros. A film based on the videogame, following the story of the two plumbers out to save Princess Daisy and save the world.

I decided to watch this film after me and my friend Shadowskale watched the atrocious The Fifth Element last night, and needed a little bit more to laugh at. What could be better than a movie based on one of our favourite video games?

Just like The Fifth Element, this was painful to watch. But at least I knew it would be, and therefore have so much more tolerance to slate it. Are you ready? I am so ready.

Let me just say that this is probably the worst excuse for a video game movie I have ever seen. I’ve seen Street Fighter. That was good. There were flaws, sure. But it followed the basic story. The characters looked like the characters. M.Bison was amazing. A video game movie can be done.

The only thing that remotely resembled Super Mario was Mario himself. He looked pretty similar. He was fat, Italian and had a mustache. That’s really all you need for a Mario I guess. Apart from that, he was useless. He couldn’t even jump. What do you think of when you think of Mario? A fat plumber jumping. JUMPING! The prick couldn’t even do that right! Sigh.

Luigi. Luigi, Luigi, Luigi. Where do I begin? In the game, I prefer Luigi to Mario. If playing multi-player, I will always be Luigi. In this film, I. Could. Kill. Him. He is not Luigi. Luigi is a coward, yes. That’s a fact. But this guy? Stupid. Thick. Just outright useless. I can’t put my hatred for him into words. He doesn’t even have a mustache. That’s right. No. Mustache. Who was the bright spark that decided to have a Mario Bros. without the mustache? Oh, that reminds me of their names. Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Outstanding. Award winning character names right there. Jeez.

Then there’s Daisy. Now, I don’t know who Daisy is. Shadowskale kindly informed me that this is another princess who happens to be Luigi’s wife. Okay. So, why use a less common Mario character to play the lead female role when everyone, and I mean everyone, knows who Peach is? And to put the cherry on the top, she can’t even act. Are you seriously trying to make enemies, Super Mario Bros? Seriously?

Oh Bowser. Sorry, excuse me. King Koopa. Not Bowser. That’s too obvious. And to make this film even less recognizable to video game fans, they cast an ‘Oscar winning’ actor to play him. Impressive, you say? He beats Gary Oldman for the worst villain ever. Remember my rant yesterday? That is nothing. His best lines? ‘We can talk about this later, if later. Even. Occurs!’, ‘Bob-omb’ and the award winning ‘Monkey!’ All of these lines are said with such passion. Such enthusiasm. Such oomph. *groans* It’s painful to watch.

Then there were the other characters. The Koopa’s. Military nazis. Nothing like the cute turtles I’m accustomed to. Toad. A lowlife with a guitar. Yet another human. See the common theme here? What is the point of making characters that are nothing like the game characters, especially when those characters are animals?

Now I’ll move onto the Goombas. If they weren’t meant to be Goomba’s, then I probably would have loved them. They’re stupid. They’re beyond stupid actually. And they’re actually rather adorable. The dancing scene, although completely pointless, kinda tickled me. And the steamed vegetables. Aww. Poor Goomba. But to return to the point. They’re Goomba’s. Goomba’s are tiny with big heads that kill you when walking into you. These things are giants with little heads and just…just no. No, film. No.

And finally, let’s deal with Yoshi. Yoshi is my favourite ever Mario character. He’s cute. He’s cuddly. And he makes the sweetest little gurgling noises ever. The film Yoshi? He’s just your bog-standard dinosaur. He doesn’t even wear shoes! But, if he wasn’t meant to be Yoshi, then he would have been so amazing. I loved him. But he’s meant to be Yoshi. He’s just not Yoshi. It’s just not Yoshi. No…I won’t change my mind.

I could go on forever about the story. But it doesn’t deserve any recognition apart from the fact that, as my friend so aptly put it, this film does not exist. This film should never have been made. It’s a disgrace. Unless you want to give yourself a brain hemorrhage, stay well clear of it. Just don’t do it.