THE NEW YORKER, APRIL 1, 2013
37
SHOUTS & MURMURS
TAXICAB CONVERSATION
BY GAVIN SHULMAN
The important call that every New York
City cabdriver is on: a translation.
DRIVER: Hello.
CALLER: Hello. What is up?
DRIVER: Not much. I am driving.
CALLER: Again?
DRIVER: Yes. Yes. I am driving.
CALLER: You are always driving
when we talk.
DRIVER: I am a driver. I drive a lot.
CALLER: What are you doing later?
DRIVER: Driving.
CALLER: I see. When will you be
done driving?
DRIVER: In a while.
CALLER: Who are you driving right
now?
DRIVER: A guy.
CALLER: Where is he going?
DRIVER: The city.
CALLER: I'm so glad you called. We
haven't talked in minutes.
DRIVER: Yes, it is nice to talk to
you.CALLER: What are you doing right
now?
DRIVER: Making a left.
CALLER: That is wonderful. I am in
bed. I can imagine your blinker blinking.
DRIVER: I wish he would turn off the
TV. I have heard the same "Jeopardy"
questions many times today. (Violin,
Knicks, John Boehner.)
CALLER: Do you think he will pay in
cash or credit card?
DRIVER: I do not know. I am still
driving him.
CALLER: Are you listening to music?
DRIVER: Yes. The prayer mix you
made me. Everyone loves it.
CALLER: Good.
DRIVER: Did you drive at all today?
CALLER: No.
DRIVER: I just made a right.
CALLER: Good. I could talk to you
all night.
DRIVER: Yes, me, too.
CALLER: I feel like we have not
talked for half an hour.
DRIVER: Yes. I got dinner. I was not
driving.
CALLER: I see.
DRIVER: I am driving again now.
CALLER: Are you driving fast?
DRIVER: No. I am maintaining the
speed limit.
CALLER: Is the city very pretty?
DRIVER: It is raining.
CALLER: I see. Do you have your
windshield wipers on?
DRIVER: Yes.
CALLER: Good. Windshield wipers
help you see in the rain.
DRIVER: Yes. Yes.
CALLER: Where are you now?
DRIVER: Driving.
CALLER: Are you near your next
destination?
DRIVER: Getting there.
CALLER: Do you ever call anyone
else when you drive?
DRIVER: No, of course not. You are
the only person I want to converse with.
CALLER: What about---
DRIVER: Just you. You are my phone
buddy. You and you alone.
CALLER: How can I believe you?
DRIVER: We are always on the
phone. When would I have time to call
someone else?
CALLER: You are right. I like talking
to you.
DRIVER: I like talking to you, too.
CALLER: Good. You are a great driver.
DRIVER: Thank you.
CALLER: Someday we will drive to-
gether again.
DRIVER: Yes. I hope so.
CALLER: How are your new chair
beads?
DRIVER: Very comfortable.
CALLER: Good. You deserve them.
DRIVER: Thank you.
CALLER: Did you drive anyone in-
teresting tonight?
DRIVER: No.
CALLER: That is good.
DRIVER: I am about to drop him off.
CALLER: O.K. Is our plan still in place?
DRIVER: Yes. Of course our plan is
still in place.
CALLER: You will still go through
with it?
DRIVER: Yes. Yes, of course. If you do.
CALLER: O.K. So I will call you in
five minutes and you will pick up?
DRIVER: Yes. And we will talk.
CALLER: Very good. Yes.
DRIVER: I look forward to talking
to you.
CALLER: Me, too.
DRIVER: Goodbye. (Hangs up.)
Nine dollars and seventy cents. You
don't have cash?
PASSENGER: No, sorry.
DRIVER: O.K. You need a receipt?
O.K. Thank you very much.
ZOHAR LAZAR