He’s lying to me about seeing other women

I’m seeing someone on a casual basis, when we first started seeing each other he was seeing two other people, and I was fine with this as long as he was honest with me.

I had terrible experiences in past relationships where my partners lied to me, and I have a deep fear of believing that the relationship is something that it’s not, believing that my partner cares more me than he actually does, which is why I always tell my partners at the beginning of the relationship that I’m fine with keeping casual as long as I always know if they’re seeing other people so that I’m always aware of where I stand in a relationship.

Recently he ended things with the two other women, and in December/January he got very close to me, and I allowed this as I felt it was a natural progression of the relationship. Then in February I left for a week, and he began to be a bit distant, started partying with his friends a lot more and would make plans with me and then either not show up or show up very late.

I began to suspect that he was starting to see someone else, and then my suspicions were confirmed when I looked through his Facebook that he left open on my computer, I saw an interaction where a woman had given him a hickey (this was the same night he ditched our plans and left me waiting and we had a huge fight). I decided to have ‘the talk’ with him about what the status of our relationship is and it went badly, he didn’t say much, said he hadn’t touched another women in months, not even a kiss or a hook up, so now I know that he lies.

I decided to believe him and brush off what I saw as a meaningless happening. Now I’m leaving for three weeks, and again he left his Facebook open, and through his interactions I can see that he’s seen this woman again, and she spent the night. I feel deeply hurt, not because he’s seeing someone else but because he lied to me before and now I feel completely confused as to how he feels about me and what I want from this relationship.

I feel I’ve gotten too attached and I should have kept my distance, but I rarely allow myself to get so close, and I really do enjoy our time together. I don’t know what to do. I don’t how to talk to him about this, I don’t know what my expectations are, I just want an honest relationship, that’s it. I’m so tired of being messed about. I don’t know if this makes any sense.

Response:

Sorry to hear about your situation. Your question makes perfect sense. You tried to go slow in a new relationship and it evolved into something more and your expectations changed as you grew closer. You tried to have a conversation with your partner about the status of your relationship and he lied to you. You’re undoubtedly feeling hurt and betrayed by his actions.

The best way to move forward is to talk to him about what’s going on. When discussing this issue with him focus on your feelings and describe how his behavior made you feel. You might tell him that you’re feeling hurt, frustrated, and confused because he said that he wasn’t seeing anyone else, but you know different. Try not to attack or blame him for what happened. Rather try to explain how you’re feeling about the situation.

As you talk about your feelings, watch his reaction. Is he concerned? Does he empathize with you? Does he listen to what you’re saying? If he gets defensive or withdraws, that can be very revealing. It’s difficult to have a close relationship with someone who won’t listen to your concerns or take your feelings into account.

All couples face problems they eventually have to work through. Use this conversation to see if he’s able to listen to you, show you concern, and take responsibility for his actions. If he doesn’t treat you with respect, it may be time to end the relationship.