Is there any area of your life right now where you feel like you’re giving way too much and you’re starting to feel resentful?

How can you use the strategies shared in today’s episode to eliminate the ill feelings while continuing to give generously from your heart? Leave a comment below and let me know.

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291 comments

Its so easy to say “Yes” to things out of obligation, necessity or just because we feel that we are the only ones that could do it, and do it right.

I have taken the stand over the past couple of months to find Joy and to dedicate myself to Love completely. This episode has come at the right time as you find yourself in the old habit of saying “Yes” when you actually want to say “No”.

Thank you for your wisdom and I will certainly retweet this weeks tweetable.

Doesn’t there come a time when you need to step up and do it because no one else will? Even if you don’t have much extra time to spare or you don’t think you would be the best one for the job? For instance…. my son is signed up to play t-ball and they are in need of coaches. Thoughts??

Great Q, Tina. I do think there are times when we do have to step up and do something that we might not be totally thrilled about. Sort of like how even if we’re living our dream job and our dream life, not every day is perfect. Even if we set a goal to only say yes to things we’re 100% thrilled about, that doesn’t always happen in practice.

For me personally, the same tips Marie shares around intentions are important. If someone takes on a project only to get something (like Marie’s “martyr alert” example), that’s very different than, for example, if the scenario is “oh hey, my son really wants to play t-ball and if I don’t step up to coach, they won’t be able to run the t-ball league at all.” That’s giving with a purpose that is meaningful to you, even if it’s not something you’re 100% excited about.

On the flipside, if it’s not something you want to do, it can actually be generous to leave that space for someone who might be really excited about it.

The challenge with these situations is that we can get kind of stuck without boundaries. If you decide to participate as a coach, you might choose to commit to only certain amounts of time, or maybe just one season, or something along those lines. If it’s not for you, you can always choose not to do it in the future … but you might find it really fun and fulfilling too!

I’m speaking for myself here based on my experience, but I hope that helps provide a little food for thought!

Thank you Caroline! I’m always happy to do things with and for my kids, even if it stretches me a little thin, I know it will be an extra special experience for them and myself because we did it together! Another thought I had was that I’m already going to be there with them, so why not devote a little more time.

Roxanne Parsons

I think you could say, “I don’t have time to do this alone, but if someone will volunteer to help, I’d be glad to help. Without help, though, I really don’t have enough time to give what’s needed.” And if no one volunteers, politely decline.

Robyn, I totally hear you about obligations ! especially with family.
That is great to hear about finding joy and committing yourself to love. I have to continue to learn to say “no” to family obligations…working on it 😉

I love this so much! I struggle all the time with decisions. The balance between “leap and a net will appear” and “no is a complete sentence” is so difficult sometimes. Your perspective is everything. Thank you

I love this. I think the distinction of giving to give vs. giving to get is SO important. Sometimes it is difficult to remember that giving to give is where it’s at…especially for people who are anxious to get to a certain place, or meet certain goals. The heart somehow gets tossed aside, and the giving gets all muddled up with the results you are hoping for, and almost ALWAYS, you are left disappointed.

In my last business, I gave a lot, and then I started noticing that I was looking for more in return (wellness). With my new business (Art), I give joyfully and LOVE giving and love the joy it brings people. And, my customers can see it. My reviews reflect the joyful giving people see from their purchases, and more importantly, from my customer service.

I seriously thought about how I give. I believed I gave joyfully. I did realize through this deep thought that I do like the accolades and now I’m getting. WOW – did not realize this. So, now I’m going to work harder at not needing accolades. Needing nothing in return. Also, there are some “no’s” that need to be said.

You and me both, Patricia! 🙂 I do think it’s totally okay to enjoy and appreciate the accolades we get for helping out, but really being in tune with how you feel inside is really key to making sure you’re doing something for YOU — accolades or no!

This video turned up at the best time for me! I´m constantly being asked to contribute to charity events/helping friends of friends etc (some of which I do with heartfelt love and the ´want´ to do) but to be honest, sometimes I don´t have the time – or ´want´ to do it and I feel sooooo guilty about saying ´no´ so I generally give in begrudgingly and then feel bad throughout the whole experience. Plus I´m exhausted afterwards and really stressed about my paying clients events because I´ve wasted so much time on the stuff I really don´t want to do! Thanks for this video – I´m going to practice saying ´no´ from now on when my heart isn´t in it.
x

I resonate with this so much Marie. I learned this lesson the hard way. I realised that generosity is in my DNA, but if it makes me resentful – I stop it right there. Generosity is meant to instill the feelings of connection, love for yourself and others, & it defeats the purpose ( as you rightly said ) if it’s not doing that. In my life, I question before giving – even things like birthday gifts and wishing on facebook – do I expect this back ? If the answer is yes, I don’t do it. Over time this simple check in has not only boosted my own esteem but also made me give more – joyfully. Thank you for this great reminder Marie.

What a lovely coincidence! Only today I’d been feeling emotionally blackmailed into giving someone my services for free. When I received the email from them I actually had the phrase “I’m not a doormat” in my head. I then sent them a very polite and pleasant email back but was very clear that I would not be giving out any freebies. And guess what? It worked! They’ll be paying for my services (and they even sounded a bit ashamed to have asked!) I have to realise I am of worth and not to let people take advantage of my good nature. I will give when I want to give and not because someone tries to emotionally blackmail me into it. Thank you Marie.

Oh I feel like I am giving too much of my energy in this house! I feel at times my family is zapping my resources on all levels: body, mind and soul. I’ve been staying in my own room and making sure my oils and colorful inspirations remind me of who I truly am. This talk is SO very much needed in my life! Working on my perception! When I give to get will keep me in victim mode WOAH! I only say yes to things that give me JOY and sometimes it comes across mean cause with this family you have to suit up with blunt honesty.

This is such a huge epidemic! I see so many people keeping a score card and it feels insane to me. I think I’ve really mastered saying NO when I want to, and giving generously from a place of true desire.

My problem was just the opposite. I enjoy giving, it makes me happy. But I had a difficult time receiving. I used to think to myself “they didn’t need to give me that” or “do that for me”. Until recently that is, now I just take a breathe and say “thank you, that is so nice of you to think of me”. Simply because that is where my joy comes from when I give. Just knowing I have made another feel appreciated. Generosity is a 2 way street.

Ohhh yes, I know you’re so not alone there, Patty. I know I get all squirmy and wriggly inside sometimes when people do nice things for me. What helps me a lot is recognizing that accepting someone’s generosity kindly is actually being generous and giving to THEM. It’s definitely a 2 way street!

Love this exchange – so perfectly defines me, at this moment, maybe even forever, that I’d even go as far to say that I had hit a wall – being overly generous of my energy all the time somehow I wound up unable to receive…Marie’s videos are always magically timed. And Patty & Caroline express it beautifully – generosity is the two way street of mutual appreciation and kindness. It makes us all feel good! Thanks for the clarity.

I would love to see something on asking for and receiving help. I am juggling too much and there is nothing in me that asks for help. It is not because I want to do it all, it is partly because I have been let down so many times when I have asked for help I gave up on it long ago. It is partly that victim mentality ( I care for my aging parents – my brother does little to help, and we have a strained relationship. My sister is too far away to help.) I have little time for my Grandson and daughter (I have been able to say no partly to avoid doormat and partly to help her take responsibility and find solutions herself as a mother) but daughter does help when asked. Gen Y have to be asked – they do not offer. Gen x are worse….(I am a teacher) They think they are privileged enough to treat adults as servants. My mother pays lip service to helping (she is not physically agile and early stages of dementia) and dad is limited in what he can do so feels guilty he can’t help. Friends offer to help and I say I am right when really I am not; and if I actually ask for help I must have been really needy. I can ask for physical help (lift and carry something) but generally can’t ask for help to ease other burdens. Sometimes it is better and less stressful if I do it myself.

Oh Jenny, that sounds like so much for one person to carry. I’m sorry the assistance you need is few and far between. The nice thing, though, is that it sounds like you have some really wonderful friends who offer their support – perhaps you can take them up on it next time or reach out when you’re really feeling the overwhelm, and see how it goes? I know you’re hesitant because you’ve been let down in the past, but it seems like even a brief reprieve from having to do it all yourself might be really great for you.

I just went through this with my daughter. I do a lot for her and I’m always happy to do those things but I find she doesn’t want to reciprocate at all when I need something. So I have had to put up a boundaries and not help her so much. Otherwise I do feel like a doormat. She’s mad though.

Elle I have experienced the same thing with one of my daughters. Over time, she has not asked me to run her errands as often. I also remember that if she does it with me, she probably does it with others and it will not help her in her other relationships if she is asking others to help her with many things she could do herself. It has also helped me to feel better about what I am willing to do when I can say no about the things that I will feel resentful about.

What a beautiful video. I’ve never given to get, but give often because it makes me feel so damn good to do it. I’m not afraid of giving a no when it’s the right response, and don’t every do anything with expectation of anything other than being grateful that I was in a position to help someone. I’ve never seen anyone articulate this topic like you just did, so thanks!

Loved today’s takeaway. I was guilty of believing that giving to give was the same as giving to get. I have also been guilty of giving too much and giving in the spirit to save up favours. Now I realise how much energy it takes up. I will work on saying no when I can’t oblige and saying yes, just to see the look on someones face 🙂 Thanks Marie!

Would be nice if you also talked of this (giving to give) in the context of business and making money.
I have a software as a service platform which was pay-if-you-wish-to – but nothing much came along. So I made it free for x days per month and payment required for unlimited use.
I have noticed myself, that I pay rather late (or never) when I myself use a pay-if-you-wish-to software.
Of course there is the thing of making the software better and better.

Really great question, Vani. While it might look a little bit different, I think the same principles can apply to business too. MarieTV is a great example of this. We do MarieTV because we love it, it’s fun, and we want to give great tips and strategies away for free. We don’t have expectations that everyone watching will purchase anything — some will and some won’t, but we love having everyone tune in no matter what.

In business in particular, having those boundaries are really important here between what is paid and what is not, and what the purpose of your offerings are. You can have a component of your business that is giving to give, which is a great way to introduce people to your work and offer them something for free. The blend of what might be free vs. paid will differ for every business of course, but thinking through ways (even small ways) that you can be generous with your customers without compromising your offerings can be a great way to approach this.

I know you’re a B-Schooler too, so definitely check out some of Module 3 again for lots more on how this applies in business!

I think you may have missed the point slightly 🙂 Anything you want to give for free in any aspect of your life should be done willingly and with joy. It appears that you have attached a monetary value (in your head) to the service platform but instead of stating the value, you have offered the software for free – expecting that others will see the value and pay accordingly.

I think you have answered your own question. If you believe that the service you have offered should be paid for and you are fed up of giving away your expertise for free, start charging. That way your clients know the value of what you are providing and you don’t feel you are being taken advantage of.

The truth is, our values in life and business are almost always exactly the same. I am learning that the happiest people in business are those whose personal values are in line with business values. Ideal clients are usually those with similar values to yourself.

What a great video to wake up to this morning! I’ve been feeling like a doormat for quite some time. I have plenty of times where I’ve been so happy to give, and other times where it seemed like such a chore or an obligation, and now I know the reason why. It’s definitely time to change my attitude.

A while back, I challenged myself to only say “Thank You” when someone gave me something or did something from me. Like many of your beautiful souls, I’m someone who LOVES to give, and in many ways, and if someone does something for me such as buys me a coffee, I realized I had this need to express my gratitude, by instantly returning the favour. Although I do give from the heart and out of spontaneous thought, I decided for 1 month to only say Thank You and do nothing in return. I learned a lot about myself from this exercise and while initially I found this extremely hard (to only say thank you and say NO-THING – nothing – more) it made me more grateful for those gifts and thoughtful acts/ words and made me realize what really giving is all about. Anyway, a good exercise to try! Thanks Marie + MF Team for another super episode!

Your comment totally resonates Laska … like you I have felt that need to rush out and reciprocate … something I have had to look at … so I continue to work on practicing gratitude … saying thank you instead of feeling like (oh you shouldn’t have) crazy huh! and in this way I can allow others to experience the wonderful joy of giving. A great exercise thanks!

Yesterday I finished reading “Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes and she eloquently described how difficult it is to say no and that she needed to start saying yes to saying no, especially in her personal life.
She came up with three ways of saying no:
1. “I am going to be unable to do that.”
2. “That is not going to work for me.”
3. “No.”

With today’s episode, I feel like the universe is speaking to me and it’s probably time I listen.

Marie, I always watch your videos as they are never banal, but this last one didn’t really convince me, because it’s not possible to give only to give 100%. What I mean is that I don’t give to get, still the fact that I have always been there for the people who totally neglected and abandon me when I most needed really hurts. It’s impossible not to think that someone will be there for you if you have been present in other’s people lives when they needed it. Don’t you think?

Angie, I completely hear where you’re coming from, and having been there myself (being abandoned by people I’d bled for), my heart goes out to you.

For me personally, this is kind of a combination of intention and balance. While it would be lovely for everyone to give without any expectation 100% of the time, we’re all human, and it’s probably just not possible — even the most genuine, generous people might have really bad days, or times when they’re stretched thin and can’t help someone in a way they might want to.

Whether we intend it to or not, as relationships build and gifts/time/generosity are exchanged, it’s so easy and very natural to develop expectations there. Regardless of all the advice about “loving without expectation” — frankly that’s just not easy! And it does hurt so much when someone doesn’t reciprocate if we need them.

Since unfortunately we can’t control other people and how they behave, for me the idea of “giving to give” is about being in touch with your own intentions. As Marie suggests, whenever you’re doing something, asking if you’re doing it joyfully. If someone who has hurt you before is asking for a favor, it might come down to saying a kind no, even if it would make you happy to give. Not because of any transactional reasons (“I did this so you should do that”), but more because relationships need balance. If you are always happy to drive someone to the airport time and time again, but they don’t ever return your calls when you’re stuck at a rainy bus stop and need a ride, something is out of balance there. That’s not about “tit for tat,” that’s about honoring your value and the relationship you have with the other person.

It’s definitely not always straightforward since people are complex beings, but I hope that helps tease it out a bit more!

I too have felt that pain, and realize for me the challenge is to know my own needs. be in touch with my own needs. and do not feel guilty for them. but also take responsibility for getting them met in healthy, healing ways. The more wounded our childhood was, the more likely we are to keep seeking for love, etc. in empty places, from wrong people. Key for me is to befriend this part of me, reparent this part of me. This is deep wound, soul pain. comes from innocent place inside us.

I’ve always been an overgiver and overhelper but not because I wanted to get something from others but because that’s where I was getting my self-esteem. I honestly felt that I was the only one that could fix everybody’s problems. I began to feel really resentful because I felt that nobody was understanding my needs like I was understanding their needs. I started to make the changes in my life when somebody told me that I was a « 2 » in the enneagram.. I was shocked ! I was in total denial but I’ve come a long way since. I’m practicing to be « selfish » because I’m giving a lot anyway as I’m a naturally caring and generous person. Taking care of myself and expressing my needs make me a better giver.

I’m in complete agreement with you, but I have a further question: While I don’t expect anything in return from my clients aside for payment for my service, I also go out of my way with clients in special need, because I’m a Golden Rule girl, and I’ve been ignored when especially sick and it hurt. And then sometimes, something awful happens, like they start to abuse my kindness, try to manipulate me into getting more, or get very inappropriate with boundaries (one client recently sent me links to porn material!) It’s getting to the point where I regret the extra kindness, yet I don’t know how to stop myself from giving the extra kindness when someone is really hurting (and I’m talking pretty severe cases of illness or injury.) This depresses me and I do, against my better judgment, become resentful and start wishing I was doing something else with my life, except that I love my work. It’s … sacred.

NYC Pollyanna, that’s such a tough situation. It’s unfortunately often very difficult to tell beforehand if someone will simply appreciate our generosity or take advantage of it, and I’m sorry to hear that’s happened to you.

One thing you might like to consider is setting very specific boundaries if you’re doing something above and beyond for someone — especially in business. This doesn’t have to be done in a way that makes them feel guilty, but rather just letting them know in advance that you’re happy to do X for them for Y amount of time, or whatever the case may be.

You could also have very clear policies for what extra things you can do and when — whether those are published on your site or just internal policies. Having your internal or external policies stated in very clear terms helps make it much easier to say no when you need to or want to.

If this is a real problem for you, it’s also totally valid to opt out of doing anything extra beyond your services if need be, or possibly even referring people elsewhere if they need extra care that would be harmful or uncomfortable for you to provide.

We did a couple MarieTV episodes a while back that were HUGELY helpful for me in terms of setting boundaries and saying kind no (not my strong suit), so I thought I might share those in case they’re helpful:

Thank you, Caroline. I think I could update my website to reflect more specifics in policy regarding extras. Will also check out the other videos. But, mostly, I thank you for hearing me – it’s a rarity today – and just being validated goes a long way with me.

Thanks, Marie! As always, I love your videos! This one in particular resonated with me. It took me a long time to really learn that being of service does not mean saying yes to every request someone makes. Things changed when I learnt to say no. Saying no became easy when I managed to let go of worrying about disappointing people, about people thinking (and talking) badly about me (and as a consequence me losing all my clients .. ) I know .. sounds pretty dramatic in hindsight. It all came down to letting go of fear.

Hi Marie and everyone – I have a problem that I’ve looked for an answer to in many places so far, and am still looking. I am really hoping that Marie or someone here can help me.
I am wanting to add doing online work, in addition to my current FT job, as a way to not only supplement our income and provide some additional security for “later”, but also as a vehicle for expressing my own voice and creativity in a way that I can’t really do at my day job. The problem that I have is that my wife is really not into my doing this..
It’s ok for me to do the (vast) majority of housework and snow shoveling and grocery shopping and dealing with anyone that comes to the house, on top of my 50-hr’ish workweek, and it’s even fine if I spend (waste) my time watching movies for the 100th time or playing a video game..
But when I started to learn about internet marketing and online revenue opportunities, and many of the programs and trainings and webinars that this can entail, I was blanketed by a huge, toxic force that undermines my efforts and concentration, and does almost whatever possible (short of unplugging my internet) to shame me or otherwise make me feel like I’m wasting my time trying to LEARN something new! Especially frustrating because she just completed her long-delayed undergrad degree (we’re both 40+), all online, and that we made some serious accommodations for her to be able to do so.
The guilt tripping, antagonistic comments and outright emotional barrage have gotten to be too much to endure, and I’m sad to say that I’ve all but given up.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of problem, and have any thoughts to help me, please? I don’t want our life together to end, but so many flags are flying (mostly red.. and white..) that I’m not sure where to even start to untangle what has become a huge mess in our lives, and threatens our marriage, and my sense of self-confidence and role in my own individual life.
Thanks so much for any helpful suggestions.

Derek, I’m so sorry to hear that’s happening to you. It can hurt so much when the people we most love aren’t supportive of our dreams and goals, and know that we’re sending so much love your way.

In my own personal experience, I’ve often found that people I love who are critical of or sabotaging my choices are often either jealous because I’m doing something they wish they could do, or they’re afraid that if I follow-through, I will change too much or leave them. There are other things that can cause someone to be critical of course, but so often change can be a tremendous source of fear.

Since this kind of thing can be incredibly personal and difficult to work through, I highly recommend getting in touch with a counselor or trained professional, either alone or with your wife, as they can help unpack what might be going on. I know many people who have seen therapists and counselors, and found it to be tremendously healing.

Derek, perhaps she feels that if you master something new you’ll again be surging “ahead” of her. Didn’t she just finally obtain her BS degree? Perhaps she’s been wanting this as the great equalizer in your marriage. Just a thought.

Oh boy is this ever sounding familiar to me!! I am sadly notorious for the ‘giver’ but yet feeling resentful later (after multiple experiences of giving, giving, giving and then getting the short end of the stick) or even disengaging after. I have to say it’s not just about giving ‘gifts’ or always being the one to initiate organizing a dinner or party, etc. but just giving away my ‘power’ and giving all this energy to those who really don’t appreciate it and unfortunately can not reciprocate in return. Not sure if that makes sense.. I have only recently recognized this about myself and am just starting to learn healthy boundaries and knowing how to say no (politely) in the appropriate situations. Thank you for the great reminder! xo

YES! Omg, I love this so much. 🙂
I am a person who loves to give for giving itself. However, I have fallen into some kind of weird mindset where I’m giving free things in my business and thinking about what I’ll get in return. Obviously, you’re supposed to think about the ROI, but thinking about it WHILE I am creating or offering my free gift hurts my head.
It’s tricky to apply this mindset to business, but I really want to figure out a way to do it. Any tips, Marie and team?
Thanks. 🙂

This is such an interesting question: where are we giving too much and where do we need to say no or just give with joy? Ultimately, I think we have to be complete givers but we learn in the process to accept completely what is. That’s the goal. The CATCH is that we have to give from the heart only, like Marie said. You can’t force or pretend to be this Mother Teresa. It totally backfires on everyone including you! Start where you can give with Joy. Build and build on this till it becomes a natural part of you in many sides of your life. It will spread like wildfire to other parts of your life and to other people.

But there are still people that will treat you like a doormat when you actually DO do something just bc you want to be nice. I had a friend that was getting married. I wasn’t even a member of the bridal party and I offered to throw her a shower – no one else had. Another friend said she wanted to help (she WAS in the bridal party). The bride went full bridezilla on ME bc the bridesmaid couldn’t nail down the venue – the ONLY thing she really signed up to do – even though I said I would be happy to do the whole thing. The BM wouldn’t hear of it and insisted on taking over getting the venue. This was a person I liked and really wanted her to have a nice bridal shower. As time marched on and it got closer to the bridal shower date we had discussed, the bride all of a sudden became condescending about the theme I had her approve MONTHS in advance, she was curt and snippy about the fact that the venue had not been set and therefore the invites had not gone out yet and on and on. Time was getting so close to the wedding already. Long story short, none of us are friends. I did not have to throw her a bridal shower; I wanted to. But once she started being a supreme B – I backed out and the BM took over the whole thing. No apologies. No nothing. The animosity towards me continued until I quit the job place we all worked at. I will think LONG and hard about doing that again. I had put so much time and energy into trying to make a nice & memorable shower and all the bride could do was poop all over me for something out of my control.

Oh no, that sounds like such an unpleasant situation, JM. It’s true that sometimes we do things with the best intentions and for whatever reason, it isn’t received well or just doesn’t work out. For me personally, I think it’s key to realize that sometimes things like that can spiral out due to things totally beyond our control and acknowledge that we tried our best.

I love that this episode rolled out today. As always, when you’re on the path, signs point you in the right direction.

I attended an event at the SoHo House in Manhattan. The topic was philanthropy – creating a for purpose business. For profit or not for profit doesn’t matter but for purpose does.
I am definitely a for profit for purpose entrepreneur. I’m a registered dietitian and health coach. I have my own method to inspire and create change with the people I work with. It’s not about what they need to do. It’s about addressing why they are stopped in takin care of themselves and how we can transform that.

Last night I was intrigued by the talk but unsure how my work could contribute.
I met the organizer and got her card. I came home to think more about how my work supports the work of those who create these powerful solutions in the world.

In the organizer’s final share of the evening she mentioned that she believes there are two types of people in the world, givers and takers, and she see how giving has us live longer, more fulfilled lives of purpose.

This is true.
And, I’ve taken this further.

I believe there are three stages people go through in all aspects of life.
Surviving.
Consuming.
Creating.

In whatever situation, be it basic needs like food, water, shelter; finding a career path; learning to be confident; getting through a work day on little sleep – we experience surviving parts of life.
Surviving is existing without enough.
The organizations that this organizer draws work with these situations…solving a problem where people are genuinely without.

Then there are those who consume. This shows up in greed, wars, narcissism, gluttony, obesity, national debt, pollution, etc.
When people are in this stage, they have the false idea that there isn’t enough or they aren’t enough. They are consuming (taking) because they can’t see there’s more than enough to go around.

Finally, there are those who create. They create solutions, art, beauty and love in the world. You cannot convince someone to be a creator. They have to get present to the fact that there are resources far beyond our needs to give everyone exactly what they need and more. It takes a special awareness to be that kind of creator and giver in a philanthropic way.

And I see now, after a good rest that that is where I come in.
I coach and support people to commit to self care and taking care of themselves, first and foremost so that they are creating and giving authentically.

You can not create or give from an empty tank. Creating and giving authentically comes from our personal abundance and overflow.

If you’re depleted, your work is inauthentic and, you won’t be able to sustain it. We need philanthropists to take care of themselves in order to be there for others.

And that example of self care has a powerful impact on the world. The world is watching those who create and give, wanting that ability. We have to teach them how to sustain and get that there is so much to give.

That’s how I’m different in my work. It’s not about how we take of ourselves.
I do educate and…I inspire people to have a reason WHY. I inspire them to see that they are that important to the change they want to make.

I love this video and I believe there’s something to add here. You have to check in with yourself and your reserves and where you are before you respond to any request or make the choice to give freely. It’s only free if you are naturally not wanting to get something as opposed to saying or intending not to want something in return.
Authenticity is clutch!!!!!!

Rachel,
What you said here is so on the money and deeply profound. I have always been able to spot someone who isn’t giving authentically from a mile off. It is only after reading your message that I realise that I am sensing that the individual is operating from a place of scarcity and fear.

I totally agree with the three stages and am happy to be classed as a creator. Despite the fact I am at the beginning of my journey, your message is a reminder that it’s ok that I can’t spend hundreds on self-care as long as I AM looking after myself. Strangely it is one of the things I struggle with even though I no longer feel the need to consume.

I just wanted to say that what you said touched me deeply and I imagine you are doing a great job iwth your clients. Thanks for your message.

It’s amazing you acknowledge you struggle with self-care. EVERYONE does! We are living in a world where most media and the overarching theme of advertising tells us we aren’t enough. And we need to do more to be enough. And there’s always more.
So you gotta tune out of that influence and tune in to you!!!!!!
I call it project: love, me. Like your daily love letter to yourself. And it’s a project done daily because loving and caring for yourself takes daily practice, every day that you’re alive.
Just make it a conscious effort and you’re on the right track.

One of the things I tell my clients is that you TRAIN people how to treat you, based on what you accept from them and what they’ve come to expect from you. If you condition them to expect you’ll always say yes, you’ll become their go-to person for everything, because they’ll expect that they can ALWAYS count on you to say yes.

Boundaries aren’t always easy to set up, honor, or enforce, but they are a necessary part of life, work, and being human. Sometimes we’ll upset people, but that’s also part of life, work, and being human. If people are going to get upset anyway, why not set the boundaries that work for you? At least then you’re modeling the kind of world you want to live in. 🙂

This is pure genius, Team Forleo!!! I used to be a “give to receive” kind of person, and was also deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. It wasn’t until I realized that I was the author of my own dissatisfaction by “GIVING” to be a martyr that things began to change for me. In fact, by martyring myself I made it impossible for anybody else to live up to what I thought I deserved in return.

Thankfully, a lot has changed since then! For my day job while I’m building my platform and writing my book, I deliver medication to hospice patients. In doing so, I found a calling to provide emotional support to the patient’s caregivers. This is not something I get paid for, but it just felt natural to bolster the sagging spirits of a human being whose mate of many decades, or parent, or child, was dying.

Everyone focuses their attention on the patient, which is as it should be, but these beautiful souls need loving support too. It is as sacred to care for someone as they leave this world as it is to bring someone in. Sometimes just a hug and a sincere blessing is enough to brighten their day, and give them the energetic strength to keep going. In this situation, they are spent, and have nothing tangible to give, and yet their grateful smiles fill me with indescribable joy and profound peace. (Sorry to wax poetic, but this is something I care deeply about.)

Since learning to give with absolutely no expectation of what I’ll get in return, my relationships have grown into rich, deeply intimate sources of satisfaction and fulfillment. The relationships that were unhealthy transactions have fallen away. It is deeply empowering to KNOW I make a difference in peoples lives, and my life is infused with love and gratitude and compassion because I give it away freely.

Again, thanks for posting, and for helping to change the global conversation from giving to receive to giving to give!!! Well done, Team Forleo peeps!!! 🙂

Good segment!
Kind of like .”‘Sacrifice”. I believe there is no such thing as sacrificing. For instance, “I sacrificed my Hawaii vacation to send you to school”. This is a conscious choice you made, live with it.
JM

I have an interesting situation in that I lent a friend a good chunk of money when he was up against it on the understanding that he would pay me back when he got some work and was able to bring in some money. Several years have now passed and I have brought up the matter several times as he is now working and doing reasonably, but so far not one dime has found its way back to me. He has recently received a quite substantial amount of money via an inheritance, but so far nothing has come my way or even been mentioned. I am about to write to him and congratulate him on his good fortune and suggest that this would be a good time for him to pay the money I loaned to him. Don’t know what result may be — but your video has been a help in clarifying my thinking!!

I’m running my jewellery business but 6 months ago I took on a role running the cutest craft boutique. I love my stockists and customers but I give so much time tha my jewellery business is now suffering. I have made the decision to hire more stafc so I can be better rested and give myself with joy to both of my businesses without feeling unrested and resentful. Great tip!

Saying NO after a long time of giving continuously, is really hard. How can I cope from the inhibition and anxiety around saying NO for the first time to some people that I’ve never said NO to before (although I should have) ?

I grew up watching so many “good examples” say yes when they should have said no, say yes without joy and play the martyr. I’ve been guilty of the same, but I’m trying more and more to only say Yes when I truly am in the right spirit. I’m trying to work on this in my relationship with my partner. It changes everything when I do! Thank you, Marie for another awesome video!

Marie,
Well timed! I am currently putting up boundaries (like ‘bam’ here are my boundaries) with clients by asking for fair fees for the service we provide. The never-ending giving tree I’ve been growing but has run out of water (a.k.a….I’m depleted). Unfortunately, they are not willing to pay for it (and trust me they have the financial means) but it is creating more space for me and my business which may take a new turn anyway. It is the most difficult thing I have done to date both professionally and personally. Would be interested to hear a post of giving in business (when you get paid for it) and how others may have overcome this.
Cheers,
Katie

Katie, it’s so great that you’re starting to set boundaries in your business — that’s so important, especially if you’re feeling depleted. There’s a great discussion a bit farther up this comment section from Vani about how to apply this to business if you’d like to search that to check it out.

I thought I might also share a couple other MarieTV episodes around related topics (some of these are about selling in general & conveying value):

Great segment! I work a lot with nonprofits that I love. Love their passion. Their mission. The good the bring to the world. That being said, I have had to hold some boundaries related to how much I give “in-kind”. I check in with myself. How does it feel when I think about giving my services free of charge? Does it make me feel more alive? Or do I feel heavy and kind of yucky? So your tweet about giving from a place of joy resonated deeply. When I say no, I have begun to realize I am giving a gift to myself in that moment. Thanks! With gratitude,

Beautifully said… I would just add, you are giving a gift to yourself and others, because if you are doing something not from a place of joy, they will sense it, and ressentment will drag both down…. great point!

Very intriguing. For me and I can only speak for me … Everything I do is with love and expecting nothing in return, other then manners. Having the understanding of what we tolerate and what we don’t: having manners is a wonderful thing using the words Please and Thank you go along way, I have manners and I use the words Please and Thank You, I teach my children to have manners . To all of the doormats out there be mindful when awareness hits you and it will and you find the “NO” word, You will be challenged, tested and provoked to remain the ever giving doormat that your loved ones know. Stay strong, know your core values, share them with others and if a person has a hard time having good manners all the more to say “NO’ to them, with a smile. Just saying. Thank you and have an amazing. Peace, Love, and a heart full of joy.

I have a few decades of experience working in media and the phrase “giving back” is used like it’s a celebration or as if it’s an honorable thing. It’s basically the same message you’re offering, Marie. We give back when life gives us something, which actually sort of sounds logical, right?
However, our power comes in knowing that our lives are about service and the questions we should ask of ourselves are: how may I be of service? How may I serve? Then giving is what you do because you’ve sorted out the gobbledy gook of the phrase “giving back.”
Please don’t wait until life does something for you to give of yourself. Our world needs your gifts and you’ll be amazed when you give, how the world smiles back on you.

I liked the video. Reminding us to know when to say no is so important.
In my own business, working with families during stressful times of home transitions, learning to say no and defining expectations has helped me in both my business and personal life.

Yes, this is such a great example because it’s SO easy to take on other people’s stress, fears, and worries in any business, but especially in yours. Good for you on hearing this message, and thinking of how you can say no and more clearly define expectations, as I imagine that will be a game-changer for you!

You’re right Marie, I’ve experienced both and am now trying to fit what I’ve learned into the business context. I’ve been questioning “How to market lovingly” for the last few years. I’m one of your B-School students, and that was a great start. The question I was pondering just before your timely video notification is about applying this to on-the-spot offers. I’m about to go teach at a retreat and at the end of my 2.5 hour workshop, I want to give my participants a chance to take advantage of bonus packages I’ve put together just for the retreat. I’m throwing in freebies if they “buy this weekend only”. This is a popular sales formula and I won’t deny my goal is to create an incentive — an irresistible offer. I’m happy to give more and help them further the work we started in the workshop, but my purpose is sales. How does this popular type of marketing fit within what you’ve just said? Thanks.

Dominique, I totally hear where you’re coming from. This might actually be about digging deeper with why you’re doing the work you’re doing and sharing this offering with the world, in the first place. Yes you’re wanting to increase sales for the offering by giving the bonus package, but if your offering is truly going to help somebody, make their lives better or easier, or fulfill an unmet need of some kind, then making that offering easier to jump into or more incentivized still absolutely has their best interest in mind.

I bet getting really clear on or reminding yourself of your own “why” that’s underneath everything in your business (and the premise for this this offering too) will help you unpack this and stand behind it more than ever.

Also, since we’re in Module 6 this week in B-School and it’s all about marketing, definitely feel free to jump into the Module 6 comments with this question as it could be a great discussion-starter there for others to benefit from too.

Yes, that’s exactly it! And it’s something we have to remind ourselves constantly. We give for the joy of it, because it feels good to make other people happy, not because we expect something back. It’s a very simple concept, but one that is often overlooked… Oh, and I totally agree with the “Martir alert”. 😉

Hi! :-)!
What if you feel mean or selfish if you say no? I have close family members that I live with (siblings and parent..). And when we live together it feels like it’s more difficult to say no. Some things that I’m being asked to do can feel kind of important. Or it just feels like they “need” me, and that they can’t solve their problem in another way. Any tips on how this can be handled?

I guess I act more out of not wanting to feel guilty by saying no, and not because I expect something in return. Thanks ! :-))

Couldnt help but reply your message because I can relate.
Guilt is a BIG thing around boundaries. You say something interesting: They need me… Actually I do not know your story and I am not making any assumptions here, but just want to highlight something that I hear often (i give boundary training skills): They need me, they cant do it themselves, and so on… however, the truth is tthat they can, and for most people it is pleasing to feel needed, so they keep that codependency going on because it also validates them. However, no one is really that needed dear, and all people can figure out ways to get something done without you or me…
The point about guilt, I guess has to do with training. Brene Brown, a great speaker and researcher, says she has a mantra called: “I Choose discomfort over resentment” I love it! It happens to be a choice…. Watch her video about boundaries — she expresses that very well.

Oh Thank you so much, Fabiana!
You seemed to read my comment at the right time 🙂 🙂 🙂

You’re absolutely right! They could do without my help. I just find it hard to deal with situations like this, when I’m in them. I might be a little afraid that if I start saying no to things, then others will start saying no all the time if I ask them a favour (not that I ask a lot, but now and then it’s naturally to ask for a favour. And I don’t expect them to say yes.) – But why I worry about that might be for other reasons, I’m not sure.
I’m gonna watch that video right now!
Thanks again! 🙂

When you are not used to say No, it can be hard in the beginning and its absolutely natural that it makes you nervous, or unsure on how they will respond, however the more you practice the more evidence you get that it is safe to say no and maintain your relationships, and i would risk to say, even better your relationships, as you are not doing things out of fear or guilt any longer BUT because you want, and you can, and you are not squeezing your time and yourself in the midst of other people´s needs, as you respect your needs you can be more loving too. I would say practice, say ONE NO a week, I do that with my coaching clients, and let them choose how and when they want to say no, this sounds like a safer place for them to start out, i encourage them to even set boundaries with me, as a start, what usually happens is that when they start saying No from a grounded place, they get more of people´s respect and appreciation actually….. (read my comment on the video below this… i tell a bit of my story there too), you CAN feel more empowered, and not hurt anyone, or lose anyone´s relationship, I promise! 🙂

Aina, I hear you — that’s a tricky one! I love what Fabiana has replied with here too. Yay Brene Brown!

I think you’d also love the wisdom shared in the two MarieTV episodes I’m including links for below. They’ll help you think through how and where to set boundaries that are consistent for everyone in a fair way (that also allows you to still serve them in the process).

I love this topic, Marie. I was a compulsive giver, because this was the way I found to feel loved and accepted by people. However I couldnt see how manipulative that was, I had the martyr mindset and didnt know because wasnt much self aware, however this behavior kept me feeling a martyr, ressentful towards my relationships (and blaming them for my own struggle), so I had to look inside, and realize where this manipulative behavior would come from, that need to be loved and accepted, and as I did raise my self awareness, I could them be a giver with more boundries (still working on them) and that enabled me to be a much greater partner and friend. One of my practices to create more awareness is to ask myself when i am in the urge of offering something to someone or saying yes to a request: Do I really want to do this? And feel the answer in my gut, if it says Yes, Then I follow up with the question: What is my real motivation for doing this? And only when i get an answer that sounds like: Because I want to, because I care, Because I will enjoy it, then I will do it! Big hug and thank you for all the wisdom you share with us

I haven’t read all the replies so this might have been mentioned. I’ve never given to get, but sometimes when someone asks you to do something for them, so they can tell themselves that they are not in any debt, they turn things round so that they are doing you a favour. Why can’t they just say thank you, or even nothing at all.

Great video!
Yes, people do treat us like doormats and it is indeed depressing. Well, this can happen only as long as we remain so! Why not transform ourselves from doormats to carpets – people may still be walking on us, but with more care, appreciation, attention and respect! It is in our hands what we choose to be – let’s make our lives worthier!

Great video this week! I found myself doing a lot out of obligation for a while, and then feeling a little resentful when I didn’t have time for the things I needed to do for me. I have tried hard to find the balance and to do things when they give me joy or fulfillment. I have a little more time for myself now, and still feel good when I can do for others.

Great episode and just what I needed today. I’m in a transition stage and after reinventing myself from retired Special Education teacher to Yoga Instructor I’m finding so many opportunities are being presented to me which I hate to turn down. I want to rebalance over the summer and was just offered another teaching opportunity. I’m taking your lead that if you don’t feel passionately about the choice maybe it’s not the right timing for me to take the position and allow the universe to fall into place while I rebalance and perhaps a better fit will come along in the Fall. Appreciate any of your comments……….

Marie, as usual, I loved your Q&A. I just wanted to add something today about giving. On January 22, 2016, a neighbor that I had helped a few times in the 5 months that knew him died. His female companion is bedridden. She had my phone number only because I had given it to them for emergencies just 2 weeks prior to his death. Well, when he died she had no one else to call. I literally moved in, slept on her floor for 9 weeks as we tried to get her some help. I didn’t do it for any other reason than that she is old and needed the help. I can never turn my back on someone in need. The reason I am telling this is that, while I didn’t do it for what was in it for me, God chose to bless me because since she could not drive she gave me their car. But here is where I am going with this. After receiving the car her family came out of the woodwork and caused all kinds of havoc. I didn’t ask for the car but people who don’t understand kindness think everyone has an alternative motive. I was happy to help when I was just helping but once things changed I HATED being there. In fact, I hated to look at the car.
Giving to be giving, is a BLESSING. It will reward you in your spirit. I told them they could have the car back because it wasn’t worth it. True giving is hard for most to understand in our society today. I really appreciated your video today. It gave me hope that all is not lost. there are still a few that know what it means to give for the sake of giving.

Wow, Carol! I’m so sorry for the yucky parts of what you experienced after the incredible selflessness you’d been expressing. BUT what a gorgeous thing that your resilience, grace, and heart continued onward, mostly unaffected by the yuck. Thank you so much for adding this to the conversation, and what a blessing you are.

I sure Love Me Some Marie Forleo Wisdom. Wow! Thanks for the Distinction. I’ve always struggled to say NO because of the guilt feeling I had that was more powerful than the Pain of saying No, and possibly not being liked. This really helps!

I’m not a Jerk for saying No, I’m just being honest & authentic and true to myself. And On the Other Hand, Giving for the Sake of Giving doesn’t have any guilt or feelings of feeling bad attached to it! Great Video Marie! Thank You!!

I think it’s even more subtle than giving in the right spirit. I think many times we feel honestly that we are giving to give and doing it in the right spirit; but if we dig deeply then we find out otherwise. It’s hard to admit I don’t want to help someone because I don’t feel like it. That creates a space within me that allows me to beat myself up as “I should feel generous” and “I should want to serve others”, etc.

I completely agree… it reminds me on another episode called “you are enough” (I believe). And also Marie’s meditation that aims for transferring you to your pure self deep inside. Your comment also reminded me on Bronnie Ware’s book and its last pages where she so exquisitely elaborates upon us having a natural light: we are like lightbulbs made out of thin glass, but that glass is a little (or a lot) dirty, and people keep throwing dirt at it just because they are unhappy themselves or are simply used to throwing dirt at others… Any of these analogies might help transport you (mentally) to a space where the words “I should” become irrelevant…

It’s exactly what I am experiencing now. I just recently do a volunteer (without any pay) activity to help a foreigner student to do their research in my country. As a good host of my home country, I welcome them excitedly with fun and joy and help them enthusiastic just to let them feel like home and show the generosity of my country. But the more I give them, the more they put their business to me and making me AS IF I AM THEIR ASSISTANT. It’s not only I got disappointed but also felt stupid plus I felt like a victim in my home country (maybe it is how it feel to be in colonization era). Felt the burden getting weighed down, I gave my self permission to say honestly that I can’t and now I start giving them the picture like “If you want to see me, let’s meet at a meeting point” and it is only if I really have spare time and I don’t let them to ask me to call anyone with my own phone credit.
Your video justify my belief and action that we can’t let our self to be the victim just because we want to be generous and kind. Right Marie ?!

Yes, I also wonder where that boundary is between the initial giving to give, truthfully innocent and generous… and then noticing that people simply use it, being resentful, and unable to say “no”. Probably because it all was your own decision in the first place? And you are committed to what you had decided?

Some people do not deserve your giving. Stop giving them. Have you ever experienced a relationship where you are always the giver and they do not reciprocate? They take you for granted. Stop giving them. If you give from your heart, and find out that the person on the receiving end does not appreciate your giving, stop immediately. A transaction of energy always happens in a relationship. If you give from the heart, and the recipient does not care about you, does not appreciate you, does not value your giving, etc. For god’s sake: stop giving to them! Give them the finger, instead. We have all known such people. Stay away from them, if you want to survive.

Very timely video Marie, thank you! I feel like I have constantly been giving away the farm in terms of my time, expertise, good attitude. It felt good to hear it re-phrased in a positive and boundary expressed way. I really have been struggling with a positive way to phrase this in myself and also to others when they ask. For me, I believe this is one of the first steps I can keep building on my self-value. I’ll have a bit more play-work to do not feeling guilty saying no to all the assistance asked for… cheers, keep up the great work! -mary

True & False at the same time ;
I’ve been Giving & Giving all My life without thinking of Myself ….. but eventually I’ve learned I also had to watch out for yourself <3 😉 ..
I do not think you'd be giving your B-School ' course away for Free to everyone just 'cause of your giving nature 😉 Let's be Completely Honest ; It is well planned ' gesture " , you give some Free contents packed with great Information , and you love what you give , however at the End you give an offer eventually too 😉 if not in these series , but in another form. You sell a book , a course or whatever

….. Even when I wasn't expecting anything in Return , nothing came back to me or people I know or my Mom ( and she is the Most Giving Person I know… without thinking of Herself at all ! – all generous people are actually very poor or limited in their finances – or up until they really learn to give to themselves the same appreciation as they gave to others while countlessly giving their time & energy away ! ….My boyfriend has done the same thing for Years 😉 ; helping others all the time …
It just came from the Heart —- You have to have Healthy Boundaries as well… Self-Love and Self-Respect for your time and Energy – I think Generally most Humans are rather Giving individuals , but not knowing " How to Receive " at all 'cause of this Old Paradigm teachings <3 mixed and misunderstood by most of them… First you have to Love Yourself <3 . There is No True Abundance ( Wealth ) without Self-Love and Appreciation ! — but I do not think Marie 😉 You're all doing this for Free ( 😉 yes this video series you do 😉 … and it is great and you're living your Joy <3 — but at the end … we all , have something in our Mind ; why to Lie about it …. ? Yes, When I feel like it I do too and when I do not I just don't no matter what … and when I have pure Joy out of it , but otherwise I do set a Price for my products … and lets face it ; we all " have this FREE as a form of advertisement ' also 😉 – makes us feel good and people get to know you or me or anyone else in that matter <3 😉 —- So you put up a lot of Videos in order to Let them know what you know and how your Vibration Feels to them … Joy IS the ENERGY, not Really the act of GIVING ITSELF … THIS IS WHAT YOU LET OUT IN THE WORLD , GIVING WITHOUT A JOY WORTH NOTHING …. and basically they buy " the vibration of you 😉 " eventually. You've got to feel Good about yourself , while giving otherwise it is counterproductive <3 ——– they feel it , when it is GENUINE -, Yes ! But if it doesn't come from the Heart there is no point in Teaching anyone to " Give , Give and Give —– Basically , all this is ' for EXPOSURE "
– we ALL DO IT one way or another – BUT LET'S NOT PRETEND ABOUT IT …. <3 ANYWAY , WHEN IT FEELS GOOD TO YOU , IT FEELS GOOD TO THEM BASICALLY …. <3 – EVERYTHING IS TRUE AND EQUALLY VALID , JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS …. THERE IS NO ABSOLUTE TRUTH IN ANY OF THAT , SO LET'S NOT TREAT IT THAT WAY …. OF COURSE YOU ONLY CAN BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU SAY ; BUT NOT HOW IT IS UNDERSTOOD – RIGHT ? 😉 😉 ———- JUST TURNS MY STOMACH & FEEL NAUSEA AND LITERALLY FEEL LIKE VOMITING ' WHEN I KEEP HEARING THIS ' – WHEN I WAS JUST GIVING AND GIVING WITHOUT A THOUGHT FOR MYSELF AT ALL IN THE PAST … 😉 😉 😉

Oh my goodness! I had to laugh so hard when you said all those things that martyrs say. I said them right along with you, because I have been mired in martyrdom most of my life. I never said no, but I resented almost everything that I did. I didn’t know there was such a word as No. I am slowly allowing myself to say no, albeit with some guilt attached. I’m working on that too. Putting your own wants and needs first is a tough one when you’ve lived your life believing that if you didn’t do what people wanted they would suffer or they wouldn’t like you. I certainly haven’t liked me. I’ve decided to give the “love yourself” thing a try because the other way wasn’t working out so well. Thanks for all you do without expecting anything in return and I will do the same.

Thank you for this video! It really shed light on the true meaning of giving. BUT the light bulb went off when she said “Baby Shower!” Oh the flashbacks of my very good friend (now ex-friend), who was bemoaning that she would skip a baby shower because her sisters could not do it. Enter Me. Of course, I’ll do it for you, you deserve the best baby shower. Spending tons of my own money, making it the greatest event, and my friend was like “cool” I’m sorry, what?!? I just busted my butt for 2 months planning this elaborate event and you just took it for granted!! After the party we had a huge blow out fight, I ended the friendship. Reflecting back I wish my brain sent me a huge “Martyr Alert” signal, but I did not know then what I know now. The cost of “giving to get” is high and the resentment can cost relationships. Thank you so much Marie for the reminder.

I look at giving as “Darral, the CEO oF Darral.”
Everybody is selling or buying. I don’t feed somebody negative habit. But when I give I like to under promise and over- deliver. One rule of selling. They appreciate you more and you make their day.

AWESOME episode.
Last week my neighbor texted me because she was throwing a last minute birthday party for her niece and she invited us ( me and the kiddos) on a Thursday at Chuck E Cheese. I do NOT like that place and I have tons of stuff to do ( kids homework, activities, study for B school, cook, etc…) but I said YES and I regretted it!! My night was horrible 🙁 Even though I have been setting boundaries and saying no, I felt so bad since we really like the little girl and my daughter plays with her. However, I promised myself I will not put myself in situations like this.
Thank you Marie for the reminder 🙂

I still don’t quite understand how exactly to set boundaries (help!)… especially when facing the situation in that moment, facing the other person whom you feel obliged to, whom you do not want to offend, or whom you have committed to somehow… probably can keep talking to them without saying yes or no, or saying no but explaining why… in any case this is only possible with lots of prep. beforehand, I think:-)
But great episode, really! !

I think I know what Deb was referring to. Often in the money-related episodes of MarieTV, we hear that abundance comes about in many ways, and some mindset-shifts–including giving generously–bring great things back to you. This is different from saying that we hear on MarieTV that when you give, you get. Sometimes I feel like Deb, too–I like to give to certain charities, and as a result of giving to them, I often hear from other charities, and then feel guilty if I can’t give to them, or I feel like I should give to them even if I’ve already made a donation to someone else this month because their causes are equally important. If this was happening in person with people I knew face-to-face, I’d feel even worse! I’d definitely feel like I was letting people down if I said no sometimes… or like I was being taken advantage of when people found out I couldn’t say no. I think the question still got answered, but if Deb is reading this, I just want to say: I understand what you mean!

There is this beautiful Sufi-Story and it goes kind of like this: Thre is this guy who has been praying all his life and felt really good about it. Along comes this other guy, mean, asking: “Did god ever answer your prayers? Or give what you were asking?”. “No. Actually not”. says the first guy. “So quit it, this praying-thing ids really stupid. Waste of time!” So the guy stopped praying. After a while of not praying, god turned towards him and asked him: “Why did you stop praying. I always loved it a lot!” “Well I didn´t get anything back actually!” God asks him back:”How did the praying feel like?” “Oh, it always felt great. I felt light and warmth and felt seen and cared for…” And God: “That is what I gave you back…”

Hi Marie
I’m a true yes person and that is not always a healthy thing for me because I get exhausted at times. I will take your advice and only say yes to the things I really can do joyfully and with passion. As always a great Tuesday. Hug

Being very honest with yourself and admit when you really want to do something is not easy.
And when you doing something because you want attention but in the really wrong way.
Thanks Marie,
This video was great

Hey Marie,
I actually get so passionate about this topic because someone very close to me is exactly that type of person who will be very generous (without giving you a choice whether to accept the gesture or not) and then they’re very manipulative afterwards. I don’t even want the generous gestures that they offer, in fact I dread it when I feel them getting into their generous mood. If I say no they get offended but if I accept it I get dragged into doing things I don’t want to do and being told that I don’t appreciate anything (which is totally not me). My question to you is how do I deal with this family member in a positive way?
Sandy x

I’d try to distract them skillfully… and maybe use the phrase “yes and XYZ”. Also, there must be a pattern as to what they are usually giving, so just be prepared in advance to take a little piece of it, clarify what you are giving in return (right away) and ask if that person agrees. That would satisfy their transaction mode for a moment, and then you can try and get them into the generous mode. There must be something they would really, really appreciate if someone gave them. Something that they think they’d never get without manipulation… Very tricky. Wishing you lots of luck and patience!

Sandy, that’s suck a tricky situation! I’m sure it’s made even more difficult by the fact that it’s a family member. I don’t know if this will answer your specific question, but this episode of MarieTV came to mind as I read your comment – I hope it helps! https://www.marieforleo.com/2015/02/dulling-your-drive

I love to give but more recently have realized that I have forgotten to invest in that self act of giving to me too. Somewhere down the road stopped and I am not too sure why but that emotional act of withdrawing from my personal giving has put me in a very exhausted and tough spot. The silver lining to all of this, once I started to share my personal concern to those close to me it was amazing how much I was given with out even asking for it. My friends and family just needed to know how they could help. The great thing about giving is it comes back to you when you need it most and when you least expect it . That’s what is so great about it!

Oh My Marie, thank you .. This topic is sooo important for me and so many other chronic people pleasers… I have too many projects and commitments on the go and sooo many friends and family that want a piece of me.. And I feel guilty saying no to social invites and visiting my family … But I have deadline on recording an Ep and writing a cabaret show.. so I am going to say No to them and yes to me for the next few weeks. Thanks for giving me the inspiration to set boundaries xxx

One problem with giving is that you can make the receiver feel under obligation. That can make him feel very uncomfortable. So what is the solution? The British have a very no nice way of handling this type of situation. They use subtlety. If you are in trouble then your friends will help you very secretly. You may never know which one helped you.
(2) Your car refuses to start and you will be late for your work. It is your first day and you panic. Your friend will size up the situation and offer to help you because any way she was going to the same place near your office.
(3) I always thought gifts were innocent. Not true. A man called Machiavelli (I think 15th century man)was known as an evil genius. As an adviser to the price he said a gift was the best way to corrupt people. Yes, Marie ,there are people who use gifts to get their fingers in your soul and then control you, rule you and break you. So be careful.
(4) An English man had transported hundreds of children fro Germany to England. The parents were killed by Hitler. This man found foster homes for all of them and threw away the record book in the attic. The wife found the book after after some 5o years and secretly took the n book to a TV presenter who made a programe out of it . The presenter found out most of the children now grown up adults and invited them to the show. Then made a surprise announcement and pointed her finger at the man who had saved the lives of people in the audience, The Englishman was surprised.

Dear MarieTV community, it’s so nice to be part of you. This episode somehow talks about the exact situation I am in right now and I would appreciate any help or comment from you: there seems to be an imbalance at work for me. Since I don’t really finally know what to do with my life, and am just living this clinical-research-start-up medical devices-project-management-craziness à la all-hands-on-deck-24-7 life in a small company that is calling itself a start-up but does not provide any stock options because laws are apparently so much more complicated in Europe than in the U.S…. Ahh! Why has my salary not changed since three years that I’ve been working my buns off despite all the apparent glory and respect that I did manage to earn? I’ve been doing quite a lot of grunt work and have been tackling my boss’ comment 2 years ago that “I only want the icing, not the cake”… but no financial change occurs, and I still don’t manage any junior people, so no career progression yet…so frustrating…but probably very essential to my overall life project, right?
I’ve been giving all my creativity, skill, thought, talent, knowledge of foreign languages, energy etc. for this project that isn’t really mine. Telling myself to shut up, essentially, I make this growing company feel as if it were mine every day during the workday (while feeling strange at night, somewhat uncomfortable that I am being manipulated because of my addiction to love and other psychological variables such as respect, feeling of being important, and financial stability….).
How can I just give, here, having lost the trust that I’d ever get a raise?
How can I stop wanting the psychological variables? How to stop the momentum?

OK… now that I’ve read a few stories of yours (after having posted mine first, of course, haha), I feel so much wiser and got off that resentment tune that was in a minute ago… It was nice connecting to you, thank you!

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, Yu! It sounds stressful and really difficult to navigate. I’m glad you found some wisdom in other comments on this post, though. And in case this helps, here’s an episode of MarieTV that might resonate: https://www.marieforleo.com/2013/03/communication-strategies

I know the scenario in this episode is a bit different than your specific situation, but I hope it gives you some food for thought! Good luck – and I do hope things at work turn around soon for you.

Boundaries is a huge subject! ( see book: BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend, but the topic of giving is all in the heart attitude. BINGO! Marie??? biblically doeSking (or referenced) Dow and reap is all about the intention as is the concept of karma.
We need to:
1) be honest about our intentions, heart
2) honor others by clearly, politely stating your truth, YOURboundary
3) stay consistent
4) adjust when it isn’t working out and set new limits
5) receive grace to yourself and give grace to others.
We are all ‘in-processes in our life long learning. That is why it is a journey, being present.

Thanks, Marie! This week’s message resonates so much! The area of where I “give to much” is in the home – 3 teenage sons + husband! – and I must admit, the dreaded ‘Martyr Alert’ has gone off a few times lately! I am learning to say ‘No’ in a way that doesn’t feel mean or withholding and that is a huge step for me! As for being generous in my business, I truly do give to give and it feels uplifting all the way around. Thanks for all the inspiration!

It totally does feel uplifting! I can only imagine how family feels like…really… I guess we just want to prevent things falling apart, and then having to fix it all ourselves, right? I have this a lot, too, and then sometimes I notice that when I just hang on to it for a moment, and don’t jump off my seat to prevent a small disaster, then a fellow collaborator picks it up (and learns from it!)… such a pleasure to watch, but requires a lot of trust and patience when things don’t go like you’ve planned it all out in your controll-freaky head (as in, my head, sorry!)… 🙂 All the best!

Okay Marie, I will admit it. Even though I have heard your name a million times from people I love, it always slipped my mind to really check you out.
Now that I finally got my head on straight and started following your blog (and signed up for your email newsletter) I am so glad I did. This message today is just the kind of thing I needed to hear.

I have always had the problem of not saying no well. I want to please people. I want them to like me and find me helpful. Sadly, I have taken it too far more often than not and been doing things that bring me no joy at all because I just want to be helpful to others. When I am giving from a place of joy when I truly feel it was my decision or better yet, my idea to start with, I get so much joy from giving my time, helping others and saying yes.
Over the past few years I have been working on finding the ways to politely say no when I just can’t help or my heart isn’t there. I recognize that if my heart isn’t in it, I’m actually doing us both a disservice.
I still have a long way to go but I am learning to say yes only when I really mean it and to recognize that I can’t do everything so saying yes to one thing means saying no to others. It’s important to make sure I say yes to the right things for me.

I stood up to “family obligations” recently and said “no” to a task certain family members thought I should do. I knew my time would not be given freely and with complete gratitude. I dreaded the task and I was exhausted with my own “to do” list. In fact up to that point I had contributed and gave a lot with gratitude. With my defiance, or with my acting true to myself, my family turned against me in a nasty immature manner. But, it’s OK. I would rather have someone think of me in a nasty way than be a slave to serving from a place of guilt, obligation and other peoples opinions.

Ya, that’s cool, but what about at work? I’ve become the dumping ground for stuff others done want to deal with and it really pisses me off. Especially the ones who procrastinate so long, the deadline isn’t going to be met and suddenly my boss is at my door asking me to ‘move it along’. Any advice on that one?
Thanks

Great episode and topic! What about when the shoe is on the other foot? When you are the recipient of the generosity and giving of someone else but feel pressured to act or be obligated in a way you feel uncomfortable with. There is nothing worse in my opinion than offering to give or help from the goodness of your heart and being refused because the recipient would feel obligated so I dont want to be that person, but I am not sure how to handle this one.

Jack, I’ve had the same issues. Are you really giving from the goodness of your heart or do you have an emotional attachment to the recipient accepting your offering? A gift is given without any attachment to the outcome.

This is a great topic, with so many things constantly tugging at us for attention. I learned early on in “momhood” to say no. My third child is now 14 and sometimes I still feel guilty that I didn’t get as involved with activities when she was in grade school. But I try to pick the moments that mean something to her and create a memory, instead of being on the PTA or running the school fundraiser. Easy to say in retrospect, but valid.

I donate to a lot of causes and have been feeling extremely overwhelmed. I get hit up every time and I was looking at it as a way to get my name out there, but when business didn’t roll in, I felt resentful and disengaged. Today, while I was “preparing”, your email rolled in and I knew at that moment, I finally was able to say that I cannot give anymore at this time. I felt guilty at first, but it made me feel lighter to know I could focus on something I wanted to do that made me feel good, rather than what I needed to do according to others. I think it will really help me pick the opportunities to give with a bit more freedom and love rather than obligation. Thank you.

sometimes my heart says ‘yes’, but my belly says no! I’ve come to understand that I need to be integrated in my ‘yes’, for things to flow. Now I test my inner waters more fully before making any decisions, and am working on resolving guilt feelings when I find a ‘no’ is my most truthful answer. Coming from a background of emphasizing self-sacrifice, this is a skill I really need to learn, and a freedom I am beginning to allow myself. Way to go Marie! You really shared an import topic.

Here’s a hard question – what if you are a giver because you like supporting your friends and taking care of them… but when you ask for help, they don’t follow through or support you in the same way, and you find yourself alone and struggling repeatedly? For me, I never used to give to get, but I am at a very low point where I feel like I’ve given to give and I am all given out. I’ve started saying no almost as a reflex because I feel like that’s the only thing I hear when I ask for help, and I feel very taken advantage of.

I’ve been watching these videos for about two years now and it seems there are many weeks where the video seems to mesh perfectly with what is going on in my life. This was definitely one of those weeks so thanks again fairy advice giving godmother Marie! I tend to give a lot, especially for those I love. This weekend tested my boundaries of saying exactly how I felt about a situation where I felt my friends’ actions were inconsiderate to the amount of work I had done to make them feel comfortable in my home (my offering which held expectations). It felt good to release and set my boundaries. However, I also see that if I had simply thought of it as an unwanted gift rather than attaching my emotions to the outcome, I would have saved myself a lot of fury and resentment. This is a great reminder of what a gift truly is and will also help me share this experience and knowledge when I see others in my life struggling with the same issues.

That was great! “You can never give too much when you’re giving to give, not to get” Yes! Giving joyfully when I really want to without attachment to outcome or expectations is the way to go and there’s no possibility of being a doormat. I’m glad I saw this today. Just yesterday, my sister attacked me for not showing enough gratefulness to her husband, who likes to help me out, for paying for my dinner, and helping me out with a large appliance delivery, as if he was actually being put out by having to help me, rather than finding joy in it. A few weeks earlier, I gave the better part of two days’ time to wait for a major appliance delivery for them. I was happy to do it, and wasn’t thinking, “you owe me”. I don’t keep tabs, and operate under the impression that we, as family, find joy in helping each other out when we can and don’t always need to gush our thanks in return.

Frances, YouTube is a great way to share your videos with a network of folks and it’s very cost-effective. You might want to look into recording videos on your computer using a webcam to start – I know many people begin that way and grow over time (Marie is a great example of this!)

Thank you so much for your clear way of presenting what true giving feels like. I’ve had people who recommended me when I was starting out, and never forgot to remind me how they helped me and therefore I was responsible to pay them back. I learned my lesson that anyone I help will never hear from me that I helped them etc…. I knew how it feels as if you owe them. ..I helped lots of people especially with business and still sometimes wonder wether they realize what I did for them.

Great episode. Giving just because I love to give and not expecting anything in return feels really good. When applying in business it’s a little harder, but I’m working on getting better. Thanks for the show. 🙂

A 100% relevant video – it’s important to develop this sense in yourself which rings the bell when you’re giving more than you’re willing to, – because of any reason – habit, expectation, trying to appear better in someones’ eyes… It has no meaning! Truly!

Hey, Marie. Gold as usual. When I first started out coaching I was making offers of free services and couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t making traction. Then I had a mentor pick up that all I wanted was appreciation. WOOPS, missed the give to give. Having made that transition, I get the appreciation because I don’t expect it. Win Win. A simple and significant difference. Thanks so much for the wisdom you bring to the world.

I have definitely been in the situation where I felt like I was giving joyfully from the heart only to be disappointed by others in return. I genuinely give at work to feel like I belong, or to be better at my job, only to find that it doesn’t change the circumstance. I guess because I am unhappy with the situation of wanting to be acknowledged in the first place. I have been called demanding in a relationship because I expected more from the other person.
I am not sure if giving joyfully really helped, but I guess it makes me happy to know that I did it for the right reason and that it came from the heart.

Neeraja, if you join our newsletter list by opting in here on our site, you’ll get messages from Marie every Tuesday! If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you’ll see the section where you can become an MF Insider. Click there to opt in 🙂

I agree with your comments and thoughts, especially the part about joyfully giving. I will add an important consideration. Joy in the giving is not always found in the initial point of deciding to give. Some giving is truly done, not because I initially want to, but because it needs to be done and I am a person that can do it. It then becomes my choice how I appriach the giving of the gift and I chose to change my attitude and do it joyfully, seeing in my mind’s eye the result of the giving for those I impact. That attitude sometimes needs a little mire work in the cutivation. For me, the most joyfully giving comes from willing sacrifice of self for others. I see my persona gift of talent, opportunity, and resources, thought precious to me, as useless I. Kept all to myself. I find not satisfation in selfishness take my right and capability to chose for myself very seriosly. Sure, at times people can expect too much or too often, but I never feel like a door mat or martyr when I chose to give. For me, what I ‘get’ from giving is not what returns to me from others. My joy is seldom found there, but in the genuine feeling that the gift is of value and made a difference, no matter how small, or short-lived the contribution might be. Thanks, Marie, to the good thoughts. I appreciate the value you add to the world.

I can totally relate. Just got word that the work I do (horticultural extrodinare ?) used to be contracted out to four men who had four days to complete the work that I do on my own in five.
I just do my thing. I don’t have any agenda but to do my best, and produce work I’m proud of. But now, I can’t help but feel like I’m being taken advantage of, and that the company is being rewarded for its stingy penny pinching. I’m not about to change my output, but I am on the look out for other opportunities, and if I start saying no, won’t that mean I’m not leaning in, or sitting at the “men’s” table. I feel like they are just take take take.
I’ve wanted to do my own thing for years and have put in all the preparation. I watch less qualified, less experienced, and less passionate people (mostly men in this male dominated industry) push ahead because they have way more self belief or just less self doubt?
I’m saving to do b-school next year so I can finally realise my worth.
Thank you for the stirring content. Brooke. X

Hi Brooke,
Reading your post had me needing to encourage you to take B School – I enrolled this year, petrified as to whether I was ‘ready’, and now in the final module I have realized it was exactly what I needed.

You sound like you’re ready to leap into the entrepreneurial abyss, arms spread wide, taking a leap of faith into your future…and you have the skills to back it up and rock the ‘horticultural extraordinaire’ world.

Once again, I defer to my beloved Mom’s wisdom. “If you aren’t going to do it with your heart, then don’t do it at all.” Therefore, I choose to do things for others that I feel good about doing, and that I know I can do. Otherwise, it’s an empty promise. Besides, a wise Rabbi and Priest who wrote a weekly newspaper column wrote: “The only compelling reason why we have been given more love than we need, more food than we need, and more resources than we need, is so that we may share them with those who have been given less.” #inthistogether #blessingsabound xx

I’m so glad you made a video about this because I’ve been really struggling. I help out my brother and sister-in-law a lot with their kids. I truly do it from my heart as I love spending time with family and I want to make a good connection with my niece and nephew. I try very hard to not expect anything in return but it’s gotten to the point where my brother and sister-in-law don’t even ask me how I am or what’s going on in my life. If I start telling a story they barely listen. When I got married a few years ago they were reluctant to come to wedding events, telling me they’d rather spend time with their own family (meaning the two of them and their kids). The question is, I’ve been doing everything with a generous heart but I still feel like I’m being walked all over, is it too much to expect for them to take an interest in my life?

I give to give, but this person in my life just keeps expecting more and more. I have most recently been saying no, however she is taking that as me “not caring enough”. She seems to forget all the time I was helpful before. Is this still me giving with the expectation of receiving? Do I just ignore her complains?

That’s so tricky, Danielle. It sounds like that person isn’t respecting your boundaries or the amount of help you extend to him or her. Maybe it’s best to address her complaints and ask why she thinks you don’t care enough if you say no. That might open up a conversation so you can express that you love giving, but sometimes you say no because it’s necessary and healthy for you to do so. Best of luck with this, I can only imagine how stressful this must be!

I feel that I give a lot to my staff in the way of “leniencies”, “options” and/or “compromises” where I can, but it seems that they only take what I consider “kindnesses” for weakness. I feel that I am being “generous” but they just continue sit around in front of the TV, viewing messages on their cell phones. They do what I ask but they rarely take initiative or accomplish tasks thoroughly. They just seem to be very “lazy” at accomplishing tasks. We work in a group home with individuals who require full care. If I get stern with staff, it stresses me. When they don’t do a thorough job, that stresses me. How do I get this staff to work sufficiently without having to “micromanage” and constantly having to speak with them over and over again about the same issues?

That’s such a tough situation, Jeanette. I’m sorry you’re going through that. You might find this episode helpful: https://www.marieforleo.com/2015/07/taken-seriously/ It’s all about how to get people to take you seriously. It may come in handy when interacting with your employees!

Great topic today. I personally love the feeling I get when I am giving of myself. I feel like I have enough. I am abundant. Giving from my heart is the only way to genuinely come from a place of caring and gratitude. By giving and helping someone else, I feel that I am helping myself in the process. I have learned that to give with an attachment or expecting an outcome in return has caused more disappointments and heart breaks. After all, the one who is giving from the heart can never lose.

I agree, It is better to give than to receive. The bible says in: Acts 20:35 (NIV)
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”
AND The bible says in: Ecclesiastes 8:15 (NIV)
“So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun”.
I also agree that you should put on the oxygen mask 1st. There is a fine balance between the two. In 2 Corinthians 8:13 (GW) GOD’S WORD® Translation
“I don’t mean that others should have relief while you have hardship. Rather, it’s a matter of striking a balance”.
And to tie this all together in talking about helping others by saying Yes but then you feel taken advantage of. Well again turning to the bible it says in;
2 Corinthians 8:14 (NIV) New Living Translation
“Right now you have plenty and can help those who are in need. Later, they will have plenty and can share with you when you need it. In this way, things will be equal”.
So Yes it all comes down to a balance of helping others. Things you’re willing to do joyfully. When your heart is willing to help others then you will have help when you need it.
Thank you for reading my post.
Sincerely,
Rod Portelli

Popular refrains like, “It’s better to give than to receive” might start ringing in your head, urging you to keep on giving.
Only say yes to the things you’re willing to do joyfully.
On the other hand, that old airplane oxygen mask analogy does make a valid point.
“In case of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first — otherwise, you won’t be able to help others.”

I have always been a generous person, perhaps giving more than I should at times. However, I was most always glad to give of my time and resources and tried not to have expectations. My comment is geared to dealing with a martyr, rather than being a martyr. My daughter appears to be a generous person, but the spirit in which she gives is all wrong. I recently have been put in difficult circumstances and she felt the need to “help” me. I accepted her help but it seemed as if I could do nothing right and she attacked me viciously several times, taking out her venom on me because she thought I was beholden to her. She never lost an opportunity to remind me of how much she had “helped” me. Needless to say, I had to change my circumstances at great personal sacrifice because of her attitude and now our relationship is very strained. I will not participate in her sick dynamic but she is not one to do self evaluation or admit if she did anything inappropriate or to apologize. She will always revert back to her martyrs position and remind everyone how much she does for us all. She needs to be in a position of imagined power over people with her “generosity”. It grieves me to see this and it grieves me that our relationship means so little to her that she feels she can attack with impunity any time she feels like it and then cast the blame on her victim. I look back and realize that I have trained her to treat me this way because I hold guilt about things from the past concerning her. I have allowed myself to bear the brunt of unpleasant circumstances just to shield her from unpleasantness. Rather than see the truth and be grateful, she takes this as a license to lash out any time she feels angry or uncomfortable about something she perceives I am doing. I have tried to examine myself honestly to see what I might be doing to bring this on but I cannot see where my behavior is inappropriate. This is all her and her unresolved anger and resentment. I decided not to play her game any more and am being more protective of myself as far as she is concerned. She does not like it much but maybe this will encourage her to look inward and ask herself why this is happening.

I did look at a list of symptoms and my daughter does exhibit a few on the list. I do feel that her behavior comes from a deep rooted sense of insecurity and I have tried to have compassion. But, she has demeaned me personally now and I feel the need to protect myself from further hurt. I dont really care any more what the reasons are for her behavior. She is in her 40s and she is old enough to do some self examination and make some choices to be a better person. We all are in the process of learning and personal growth. It is a lifetime journey. I have learned a few things about myself through this process and in part it has helped me to make the choice to change careers and become a freelance writer and to create a life that I love to live rather than just be a victim of circumstances all the time.

I’m so sorry you and your daughter have a strained relationship and to hear that her generosity is used in a manipulative way. That sounds deeply hurtful, so we’re thinking of you and we’ve got our fingers crossed that things will get better soon.

Like the viewers’ mom, I feel like a doormat and in hindsight and kind of wish that I wasn’t that way because I feel like others have benefited more than me. This is a good topic, but a tough one to internalize or move on from. I love giving to others, but when I’m in need it’s like I live in a ghost town. I never did what I did to get something, but there’s very little reciprocity. So, I totally understand the resentment side.

This is definitely a tough topic, so we really appreciate your honesty about your feelings. I’m sorry to hear people aren’t there for you when you’re in need, especially since that sounds like a lonely place to be. I hope you’ll encounter the same kindness you’ve been sharing in the world—you deserve it. <3

I am SO excited to have had your site / video blogs recommended to me! Been in a hard place because I have been going and going, giving and giving – fully ENJOYING what I have been doing but in the beginning people were giving me little love offerings for the work done, then just stopped. They know the things I do is to help bring in a little income (for groceries and gas), but there are many who are now just plain taking advantage. Yes, I will always give my time and talents to certain things (Church things, mostly) but for the rest, I am going to start saying, “NO” or “here is my pricing” . . . it is a hard call because I would LOVE to keep giving, but we also need to live . . . business needs to be business and giving needs to be giving – learning how to separate the two is a new experience for me.

Hello Marie, sincerely, loved this MarieTV and even you, the long time since I have not seen you, how you stay and speak, how you laugh, interact with all the people and how you like to be for example even in activity with me. All my love from me, be happy!!!

Love this video and I feel that I’m a bit stuck in the middle of trying to give for giving but then find myself expecting a bit more than I would like. It is particularly difficult in business as we give to our clients in order to grow our business but that’s giving to get all the time. This video has helped me get clearer about remembering why I’m in business in the first place; which is to help people – so I can just help because I love it. The price for my service is just the price they pay but my giving is me helping.
Is that correct ?

You explained true giving.
I think your absolutely right.
Not expecting something in return is truly giving with your heart. Also, when you give in that way I believe you will receive. It may not be immediate but it will come.
Also, I loved your dress Marie!?

Often we give with expectations of recognition, sympathy, or a feeling that we’re not enough as we are. We let ourselves think that giving – more and more – will somehow help to increase our worthiness factor, whether that be worthy of support, attention, love, a break or a breath…

In reality, all this does is make us resent that no one recognizes what we’ve given of ourselves and what we’ve sacrificed for them which has us spiralling back to giving even more in hopes that we may finally receive the approval that we seek.

This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. In the past I’ve often felt that I was not enough on my own and so this requires that I offer more than “just me”. In offering up services I can be useful, helpful and provide benefit to someone else – giving so that they receive something from our interaction. This has been exhausting. It leaves me empty, frustrated, and feeling like I’m barely keeping my head above water, not able to keep up with all the demands on my time that ‘help’ me to be ‘good enough’. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m happy to say that in the past couple of years I have been diligently working on my “no” muscle and it is getting stronger. It feels liberating to say no when I don’t want to do something. It has helped me realize and believe that I am enough without taking on all sorts of extra work, that people want to interact with me just to interact with me. I feel so much more empowered and I have so much more energy to invest in myself.

I have now moved to a place where I am looking within for the approval, acceptance, and love, rather than trying to get it from outside me. This has led to amazing shifts in my own perspective. I now have my own goals, rather than looking to accomplish things that I think will get approval, and I’m saying no to things I really don’t want to do. This, in turn, makes space for things I really do want to do (YAY! for training in a new career and YaY! for B School 2016!!).

The part I still struggle with is my current career. I am still working full time in a generally great and engaging job while building my capacity for full entrepreneurial freedom in a whole new industry. I sometimes get frustrated with how much I invest in my clients and my job and how non-existent their own investment is. In this case its an easy slip back to the give-get mentality. How do I do my job but not feel sucked dry or continue falling into the ‘giving with expectations’ trap?

I feel I need to find that place where I can give with no expectations of receiving anything from my clients or job and keep from getting to a place of complete disengagement. Its a tricky balance when there are so many creative, wonderful and fulfilling things I would love to be doing with my time. It seems to me that it needs to be from a perspective of learning how to set boundaries – with myself and others – and grounding from a place of gratitude for all the job can teach me in all the realms that will move me into my next endeavour. I fully believe that my current career is in my life for a reason – to prepare me for my next career. In this way this energy input and giving is an investment in my own development and therefore is not expecting to receive anything from outside of me. Giving to give.

In my meditation this morning I was given an insightful gift it said, “Quit trying to love outside yourself, love within yourself.”
This came up while ‘giving love’ to others. It’s a reminder that to truly offer love, it needs to be offered within, to the Divine. I spend lots of time offering outside myself, “giving” outwardly and often fail to see that the offering better serves all when I move to an Inner place. By serving the Divine in me, I can then serve the Divine in others and feel that my gift is authentic and generated from the right place for the right purpose.

To that end, a focus on always serving from a perspective of serving the Divine, whether in myself or in others, creates the give-to-gift rather than the give-to-get.

This issue just came up for me last week! I create swimsuits & I was organising a photoshoot with a touring photographer for the promotion of my brand via social media. I had chosen a model to do the shoot for me, but behind my back she took the shoot for herself & her own promotion (because she has more followers, I am guessing the photog went with her instead). The next day she felt guilty & said I am shooting with him again, how about I wear your stuff! I said sure, come over & grab some. She couldnt make it so I drove them to her, saying you will bring the back to me on Monday?!? She said yes, but when it came to Monday she was too busy to bring them back, so again I had to drive to collect the samples. Since then, I have received no brand promotion. Disappointing!

Wow… I just watched the video again, just to get all the little details in between the lines.
Funny thing is that I was asking myself these questions over and over again beginning of the year and that I decided to profoundly change a couple of things in my life… One of these changes actually lead me to enrolling into B-school ! And I am grateful because all these questions really needed to be tackled in order to move ahead in a more fun way…

Thank you Marie, You are truly wonderful:) I started a charity for children in the gift of giving and this is our framework. This video helped make it simple as well a reminder in my own relationships where yes I get caught in the give and get response..my action is to start saying “no”. Cheers to you and your continued success:)

Thank you so much for this! It’s SO hard for me to say “no” to people … even if I reeeeeally want to! Really, though, I’m doing them a disservice by saying “yes” because I’m not giving to them with my whole heart … just out of a sense of obligation. And I’m certainly not doing myself any favors when I do this either. So thanks … this was a great reminder!!

I have a home-based baking business and I offer special diet cakes like gluten-free and vegan. I got an email at 10:30pm last evening, from a stranger, asking for a gluten-free birthday cake for today. She acknowledged that she saw on my site that I require 48-hour notice. I emailed her back immediately with some questions and didn’t hear from her, so I went to bed. At 6:30am I got a response – she’s not looking for just a basic cake. She wanted a specialty filling and wanted to pick it up early afternoon. I explained that since I work from my home and make everything from scratch, to order, that there was simply not enough time for me to complete the cake by the time she requested. It killed me to say no, since I’m trying to build my business, but it would not have been possible to pull it together and have it up to my standards, even if I had jumped out of bed that very moment. I have requirements for orders for a reason. I don’t like to disappoint customers, however, I thought that in this case, it merited a “no”.

So great! I’ve always been a willing giver and never thought much about it til one season of giving I received no thank you’s! I felt discouraged and like I should still give to give out of love rather than duty…I was exhausting myself not to mention being made fun of behind my back I found out later. Well I learned well after a time of being a recovering giver ! I still give but don’t exhaust myself and let others step up to the plate! What a difference it made.thanks for this timely episode ! Giving out of a place of love and not self requirement has been a revelation to me!!yay!! …..peaceful giving!

Hi Marie!
Thank you for choosing this subject. I’m also wandering how to approach this in business. Find my balance.
I think there’s one aspect of giving too much that you forgot to mention is the “unconscious giver” that gives joyfully hoping to be LOVE in return. It’s rarely the case!

I have admired your work from a distance for so long but have finally decide to make a public comment.

Thank you so much for providing a little more clarity to a subject that I really struggle with. I deeply desire to be a giver but have recently starter to resent some of those I give to, not so much because I expect anything in return but because I feel taken for granted. Perhaps now I will not even expect acknowledgement but either give unconditionally or not at all.

Excellent episode, Marie, thank you! And thank you for inviting comments, as always. Aligning boundaries with clear intentions creates inner peace and ease of movement through my life, including my business. The adjustment I made was discontinuing my practice of giving savings rates to former clients and clients who desired to re-enroll in another service package with me. It seemed like a good idea at the time…but isn’t that how so many stories begin? I’m glad I tried it, as I gained valuable information about my unique service business. What I found was that clients who received savings rates (discounts, in retail language) stopped respecting my time! Even one no show wastes my time and prevents me from providing service to someone who truly does want it – enough to show up for it. So, that practice of giving, as a reward for loyalty, has been discontinued. I’ve found that being loyal to myself, to my connection with Divinity, and to my business is the bottom line. I am even more selective about how I allocate my time.

Hi Marie, and thank you! Your showes always inspires me and are helping me on the way to start my business and also to grow as a person! I think it is very hard to set bounderies when it comes to give and to take. My best friend had a really bad relatinship and during a year or more all the time when we met, that was the only thing we were talking about and I took a step back. I did not talk about the things happening in my life, I almost only listened to her. That made me like a shadow and I kind of lost my self. When do you set bounderies when someone needs your help and attention? I can also add that she was not feeling well in her jobb, because it was to stressful. At the same time you want to be a good friend, but on the other hand you do not want to lose yourselfe, but when someone is feeling very bad, how can you do?

I appreciate this advice on giving. This advice has helped me to start a process of taking the time to think about what I want. Therefore when I give it will truly be giving and not just out of obligation. This seems like common sense but I will now be more mindful which is better for all. Thank you.

Hi Marie, hi Team Forleo :), I love the idea about not being someone’s doormat! Do you have any advice how to do it in a business atmosphere? I have few director who are from other departments and they keep delegating tasks to me (although they are not my bosses). The only way I have figured out to avoid this from happening is literally playing dumb: I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to do this. I tried talking to my superiors about this, but didn’t work. The point is, I am more than glad to do the work, but it should be the work I am paid to do, not someone else’s. Am I right? Any ideas?

Marina, that’s a great question – and it sounds like a tricky situation! From what you said, it seems like you’ve done the right thing by mentioning it to your superiors. But if that didn’t work, I wonder if there’s a way to say something like, “I would love to help you out, but right now I have to focus on my work for my department.”

Hopefully they won’t argue that point, since it’s valid. And maybe you can also have another conversation with your director about feeling uncomfortable with the added workload that belongs to someone else. I hope this gets resolved for you soon!

I have the most difficult time saying no because I do not want to disappoint anyone. I am learning the importance of saying no because often I say yes and I become resentful or I feel as though my kindness is being taken advantage of. Does anyone have any helpful tips for saying no without hesitation?

This whole topic is more important than many may really understand. I highly recommend your followers read Adam Grant’s book “Give and Take.” It’s life-changing when you realize what a true “giver” looks like (and there are two kinds), “takers” (and they are scary good at masquerading as givers) and “scorekeepers” (if you scratch my back, I will scratch yours). Amazing book – and again, pay attention to this topic – it’s extremely important to your boundaries.

Bless you for this video, I couldn’t agree more.
I think that this is because in our modern society we mostly have ‘homo economicus mindset’. We have learnt from early ages that whatever we give away we will receive back. So WE GIVE TO GET or even further – TO GET WE GIVE. And while the quatum physics law works this way, i.e. that the ‘receiving’ is the result of the ‘giving’, the ‘receiving’ should be treated as side effect of the ‘giving’ and not the goal in itself. However, we, humans, have made it our quest.

What I mean by this is that the universe has arranged the world on the basis that if you do something genuine for somebody out of pure love and goodwill, it will reciprocate to you in a similar manner (it will bless you with something dear and important to you). Of course, we, as creatures of ego, interfered this whole simple process and decided to trick the universe. We concluded that IN ORDER TO GET WHAT WE WANT, WE SHOULD FIRST GIVE. And therefore, we give, but in order to receive.

Here is why in my view this strategy is flawed:

1. THE UNIVERSE ACTUALLY KNOWS PERFECTLY YOUR MOTIVES. But there is more… It knows your every single thought. Your brain can trick your mind but it can not trick your heart. What really counts is being selfless and not selfish in your actions. No matter how hard you would try to convince the universe that your are doing something for the benefit of the other person and your benefit is just a side effect.
2. YOU GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO DECIDE WHAT IS THE ULTIMATE BEST IN A GIVEN SITUATION. And YOU are in NO POWER to know this at all. You don’t know what’s appropriate, only a higher source can know this. And the higher source would channel its messages to you in the process of creation through YOUR HEART, you should therefore act from your heart for the highest good without focusing on an outcome (for either yourself or any other human being).
3. IF YOU HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS TOWARDS ANY REWARD YOU SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO BY PURSUING ANY ACTION, YOU WILL SURELY BE DISAPPOINTED (because of your ego dictating you its views and its desires versus what is best for you -which only the universe can actually know). The more often you would go through this process, the more disappointment you would experience. And it will finally lead YOU to frustration.

What is the good approach then?

It’s exactly what you pointed out in your video – to CHANGE THE STRATEGY
From: TO GIVE TO GET and EXPECT
To: TO GIVE TO GIVE and SURRENDER

Sounds easy but at first may be not so easy to implement and permanently stick to. It is because our lower brains will surely interfere with their habit of focusing on the outcome and speaking in its fine voice: “You need to first think about yourself’ or ‘Is it going to pay off for you?” C’mmon – don’t be stupid, you may lose out”.
We need to CONSTANTLY CHALLENGE OUR obsessive ‘WIN-THE-GAME’ MINDSETS! The good news that the more often we dismiss the urges, the less they will start to re-appear. Like with every habit. But equally like with every habit we need to consciously take the decision that we REALLY WANT AND ARE WILLING TO CHANGE. WE NEED TO DEMONSTRATE A TRUE DESIRE TO SHIFT. Otherwise we will follow the usual brain pathways and end up with frustrated ego.

As mother Teresa said: ‘It’s not HOW MUCH we give but HOW MUCH LOVE we put into giving.’

IN MY VIEW, we all need to FIND OUR TRUE GIFTS and give them all away…
WITH LOVE…
THEN SURRENDER…
AND THEN LET THE UNIVERSE WORK ITS MAGIC AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS…

Marie – Absolutely Fabulous! It is simply about staying in our own joy.
Once we own our own time, and choose to give from joy, then we live in a space of renewable joy in balance with the truism you wrote “time is your most precious, non-renewable resource.”

Often times I find myself doing things because I do want to (I’m just generous like that). And these are for things that I know I will enjoy and for people I truly love (a friend in prison for e.g, needs someone to organise their multiple visits as we have a big group but have limited numbers of visitors per week – takes some organising than you think).

But sometimes, after I do that work, I get hardly any appreciation or recognition back. And that’s when it infuriates me because I did it to help them and they said yes to it but they don’t remember to just acknowledge what I’ve done in return.

I find this usually happens for friendships only. Business is easier to handle in that area as you need to keep things professional (for now, anyway, thanks heavens).

Thanks for this empowering post and video. While I want to always be open and as helpful as possible, boundaries are so important. In fact I remember a video you created advising people that if helping others with advice in business for example means taking you away from seeing your Mum/relatives you need to value your own time and decide whether you can truly help. I’m public-facing in my job as a blogger and vlogger and receive hundreds of emails and requests for business advice. Sadly I can’t meet/advise everyone so I share posts on my blog and on social media, host or attend workshops and speak on panels which hopefully help answer my readers/followers’ questions in a more collective and manageable way. It really is about self-worth and finding that balance between being kind and giving but also mindful of your own time and energy. You can’t help others at the expense of yourself and your loved ones. Thanks again.

So, so true, Vicki. I’m really glad you’re taking care of yourself while still providing value to your audience in a manageable way. I can tell you care a lot about your people. It sounds like you’ve found a great balance between work and self-care, which is definitely something to be proud of. 🙂

Honestly, I was so surprised that I didn’t give too much for anything of my life! Probably I loved myself too much, OR, I didn’t find something really meaningful to me in the past. However since this year, I’m starting my new business and have to GIVE so much stuff to partners, professionals, and helpers. Sometimes I feel exhausted to give, but expect to receive more in the end. I don’t mean to get other’s appreciation, just the grow-up for myself!

Such a great article! Omg I want to wallpaper my house with this. I often find myself EMBROILED in things that I shouldn’t be involved with, because I said Yes to something and then I feel resentful and upset. Now I need to call it like it is, either I’m getting paid consulting fees for it so it’s my job. Or, it’s a Gift! And if it’s a gift I think it’ll really help to frame it that way with people, so they see it for what it is. I can see it for what it is, and I can get what I REALLY wanted out of it the entire time, enjoyment and maybe some appreciation. I’m doing somewhat of a happy dance over here. It’s so simple but such a breakthrough.

Always I am a giver, without expecting the goods I give(either materials or emotional) people who received them, to give back to me the joy I have the moment I share the gods.
The result is I’m growing, 47 and getting tired at the bottom line people take advantage of this delicate part of my character.
I don’t blame or others but need to do at least to the persons around me who worthy it.

I love this. Sometimes I get caught in between giving to get and giving to give.. often I find myself afraid of getting taken advantage of. So I freak out and am not sure what I should be doing them over analyzing the situation and not sure in which direction to go in after all. I believe perhaps getting stronger in my purpose of why I do things, trusting my self and learning to not be afraid may help me more. Although I may know this knowledge I still get stuck in my own whirlwind. Thank you Marie for reminding me where to keep my focus.

I have my own business and work from home on a laptop. People see that as me being available–free to help, free to work from anywhere and at any time.

The occasional request to let a dog out, or pick up a child from school doesn’t bother me. I’m happy to do it and thankful my situation makes it possible. But when the requests become more frequent and more of a commitment, I begin to feel disrespected and resentful.

Instead of, “I have to work late, so can you stop by my house and let the dog out?” Requests have become more like, “We’re going on vacation, so can you change your routine and uproot your life for a week?” Of course that’s not how they word it when asking me to house sit. From their point of view they aren’t asking for much, but from my point of view they’re asking for much more than I can joyfully give.

They say things like, “It would be a good change of scenery.” Uh…no. Vacationing in Hawaii would be a good change of scenery. Staying in someone else’s house, caring for their pets/children while also caring for my hyperactive dog is definitely no luau. By giving in to such requests in the past, I’ve learned it’s very stressful and uncomfortable for me.

I feel like I am on the top of everyone’s call list when they need something. Like I’m everyone’s Go-To-Gal, and that they try to take advantage of my work situation, my love for animals, and my good nature. Some don’t even make it easy to say no, and actually try to manipulate and guilt me into it.

Last month, I received 3 separate house sitting requests (which included caring for pets and children) in the span of 2 weeks. I finally refused and was just honest with them. It gave me a sense of peace, the kind of lasting peace that comes only from God when we’ve made the right decision. I believe God saw that I was weak in an area and has been trying to strengthen me, give me courage to stand up for myself, and to teach me how to set boundaries.

More requests are sure to come as I continue to grow and learn how to be a better and stronger me, but now at least I know it’s ok to say no, and that I shouldn’t allow anyone to make me feel badly about it. I might decline an offer to house sit, but I will gladly respond, “Yes!” to that which I can give with a joyful and loving heart. 😊

What if there are several occasions in which I think I am giving to give and not get to the same person several times. Then several instances occur when I needed help with something and that person never stepped up. Not that I expected them to out of nowhere, but when the opportunity arose, the realization that they didn’t feel the joy to help me the way I felt it for them kind of put a damper on things. Then when they need me again, I didn’t feel the same joy to help. Does the fact that that bothers me mean I didn’t really give to give in the first place? Or does giving to give and not get just have a certain environment in which it thrives in and if that environment changes, so does our choice? It doesn’t mean I wasn’t genuinely selfless to start with? AH!

I have a very hard time with this, because I simply want to help everyone! I tend to blame myself, because financially that’s just not possible. Infact I have a hard time today paying bills, etc., and I have to live without some basic things simply because I can’t afford them at the moment. I also can’t afford not trying to make enough to live though. I can’t afford to just give things away. I did that for years. So, what has changed?! After a name change, I have been denied many things.I also know my own worth now, and really there’s no turning back from that. Marie, b-school taught me that. That being so, thank you. I’d have kept living in a world away from reality if I hadn’t found b-school. Many coaches, etc. have followed, but noone can ever say that b-school wasn’t the place that first taught me my worth, it did. Ill be forever grateful for that.
*HUGS*
Angela

So true. In the same way it feels uncomfortable giving when it’s not really heartfelt, receiving from someone who says “yes” out of a sense of habit or duty is also very uncomfortable and creates that feeling of obligation and heaviness.

I struggle with being generous and not being resentful. And yes, its totally because I give to receive. AND HOLY SHIT, its because I watched my mom be a doormat. And I’m so scared that I’ll end up tired and taken advantage of. So I keep score to make sure I won’t be taken advantage of.

Now that I think about it, I can’t really say it was generosity – it was more like she played the martyr role over and over again. And I think in my brain I somehow equated generosity with martyrdom. Omg the martyr alert piece of the video just came on. Hahaha! I had two serendipitous moments in this video!

I also am wondering if Marie could talk about giving in efforts of philanthropy: How do you choose what you want to be part of? How do you reject (kindly) opportunities to give money or other investment?

The key, for me, is being able to apply this concept to work. Many of us “work” solely for the paycheck, and aren’t doing what we’re doing from a place of joy and passion. The mindset produces the same victimization effect. I realize that some (like yourself) have been able to create a business you love, and you support others in doing the same (love your videos Marie). There are times especially when we get older that due to setbacks we find ourselves struggling on different levels, and it becomes a difficult pursuit. Transforming our lives by pursuing what we are passionate about is a big key to changing the puritanical work ethic viewpoint. Imagine a world where people authentically loved what they did for living!

I’ve been working on it for a while, it’s really hard for me to say no , but I’ve been working on it a lot lately, and it feels good to respect myself and say no whenever it is necessary… Thanks for this encouraging episode,

I really enjoyed watching this episode. I am also learning how to give without any expectations in return. I find it very rewarding and gives me a feeling of freedom. It does require for me to say No at certain times to keep me in balance.

Wow! I completely needed to hear this today. I write a weekly blog for my work at one of my jobs :).

I love doing this, it’s really so much fun and I have total autonomy to make it whatever I want. Every now and then I catch myself wishing for more feedback… maybe more “appreciation”. When this happens…. which I think is pretty natural… I will choose to remember that I love writing and can make my blog whatever I want. This brings a smile to my face.

Marie! Thank you so much. I benefit so much from watching your show and reading your emails and book recommendations.

For myself, I fight almost daily with a very strong feeling that I have to be a “good girl”, and that includes never rocking the boat, ie saying yes. “No” feels like I’m behaving badly. This also includes turning down offered help at times. Logically I realize that isn’t right, and I don’t feel as if it’s bad when others say no, in fact, I respect that they can do that. But the feeling is so strong, it’s deep inside. Does it just take practice? Do you eventually feel it less painfully? I’m going to keep in mind the idea of giving from the heart. Also, it was mentioned above, that if you don’t have the time and enthusiasm for something, you could be taking up a space that could be better filled by someone who really wants to do it. These ideas offer some parameters. Thank you for your insights!

I absolutely hear you Willow — that’s definitely been a struggle for me too, as saying “no” used to be something that went against my own concept of being “good.”

Fortunately it is something that gets better and easier with practice (whew!) I also thought I might pass along an episode that was tremendously helpful for me personally in terms of feeling good about saying no: https://www.marieforleo.com/2014/11/win-people-over/

The great news is that it does get easier and easier over time, so I hope these strategies are helpful!

That’s a really good question, Rachel! I bet this is something a lot of people are struggling with, so we’d love to help you submit this for Q&A Tuesday. If you’ll write to us at infoATmarieforleoDOTcom we’ll be happy to help! 🙂

In the recent past I have given too much by saying yes to gain acceptance or attention to fill an internal void brought about by feeling shame about who I am, where I come, and where I want to be. Carrying on this practice leads to very superficial relationships as I am always out of touch with what I want and what I need. I am happy to say for the past 3 years I started practicing the use of the word, “No” and listening to the needs of others so as not to improve the number of tasks I can do to gain their approval, but to understand their needs more profoundly rather than superficially. A benefit of this is that now my decisions are more often based on what I need rather than what I can do for others and the remaining relationships I do have are based on truth rather than falsehoods. By serving myself I am serving a greater good and open a doorway for others to follow suit.

YES! That’s spot on. I especially like how you phrased this truth: “By serving myself I am serving a greater good.” That’s so true. What’s best for you is always what’s best for others too, even if they don’t know it or don’t realize it at the time.

Recently I was asked by a coworker to provide my opinions/thoughts about her that I was not interested in sharing. I thought that my opinions/thoughts would be hurtful rather than helpful (I think that she makes hurtful comments to myself and my other colleagues, and can be aggressive). I set a boundary and didn’t share my opinions/thoughts, but later I was told that that was selfish; that if someone asks me my opinions/thoughts on them, that I am obligated to share them. I do not have an interest in having more than a respectful, kind, professional relationship with this person. Is it selfish (/not generous) of me to not share my opinions/thoughts if it would not benefit me personally? Or is that boundaried? (Possibly just rigid boundaried?) This has been coming up for me a lot lately with boundaries and generosity.

I want to address a few realities here. If you are a parent of young children, especially if you have more than one child, there are many tasks that need doing that I will never WANT to do, but I MUST do them. If I don’t do the dishes, for example, they will yo unwashed, stink, make the sink unusable, etc, and, eventually, we will run out of dishes and counter space. The list of these tasks that one must do in caring for small children is long and the work is never done. Of course, as the parent of the young children you want to give them the best of everything without wanting anything in return; however, resentment can build around the lack of joy gleaned from washing dishes or doing laundry or cleaning bathrooms. How excited is anyone after cooking and cleaning three meals a day? Everyday. I realize that there are other embedded issues in this comment around finding my own outlet that refills my creative well, yet, I am having trouble seeing how I can give through tasking if I resent the tasking?

I love this and the video so thankyou 🙂 but I think I need some advice. I love that you should only say yes to what you are willimg to do joyfully, but what happens if you have do something that someone else doesn’t want to do.. Not so joyfully. My example is partner moved in a few years ago and he creates an absolute mess in the house. I’ve spoke nicely, sat down with him, nagged, shouted, cried and he says he will only tidy when he feels like he needs to. Which leaves me the one who has to do the housecleaning/cooking/dishes/laudry/tidying otherwise nothing gets done and the house is a bombsite for weeks with dishes stacked up on the sink for a week (yes it’s literally that gross). I’ve done the whole “leave the house for a week to see if it encourages him” but he will just leave it until he feels like it needs doing. I havnt got OCD atall, just want a tidy and clean space. What do i doooo? Im not joyfully wanting to do it, and find myself being resentful, distant, playing tit for tat and a need for fairness. But he doesn’t want to do it. Helpppp would be muchly appreciated ⭐ Thankyou

Giving to get + feeling like I’ve given too much with little to no return,
This has been me in the past, we have a very big house, the family is always around and I used to always step up to help because I used to think it keeps my karma positive (someone’s gonna do something amazing to me later). Fast forward to almost 30, I had to stop myself because I wasn’t giving happily and I wasn’t getting much in return, so I started giving with zero expectations. Do good and completely forget about it. This was a revolution because I started seeing results of how good my “giving” was actually doing, be it a pep talk, a helping hand, or even cooking a meal, whatever it is I do it and move on with my day. This has made me much happier and made the people around me happier too. To me, that’s my “get”. It also kinda opened my eyes as I discovered so many other people feeling the same way too: giving without getting.
It’s the whole concept of NOT giving to get, but giving to simply give. Need more people to know this.

The bottom line: the healthiest relationships are mutual and reciprocal. The best intimate relationships are those in which you become the protector of the other person’s solitude. “Giving to give” is fine, but I know of no one ever that stayed in any kind of healthy, long-term, adult-to-adult relationship, business or personal, where mutuality and reciprocation were never expected. Like it or not, admit it or not, there is an accounting system and a pecking order in all relationships — You teach people how to treat you. Very often the people who become end up as doormats have a conscious or unconscious “love to be needed or need to be loved.”

Thank you for this Q&A reminder during the holiday season! This week I decided to get the Resource teachers each a little coffee gift card to thank them for all that they do for those students who have minor to more serious learning challenges. What was interesting is that one of them was shocked! She said, “Why would you do this? It is totally unnecessary.” I smiled and let her know that it was my way of thanking her for helping them and left it alone. I wasn’t hurt but surprised that what I thought would be a pick-me-up for colleagues felt like I insulted one. Like you point out, give to give with joy—and progress not perfection. Thanks for all you do to help me be a better person. Go Team Forleo!