The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Let's Open Up Some Champagne In... SANTA FE.

First things first: remember how the Living Room Peanut Gallery (myself included) were HUGE fans of Kelsey, this time last week?

ATTA BOY, FARMER!

I take it back. I take it all back. Kelsey is literally insane. As in lock-that-girl-up-and-let-her-counsel-NO-students. Y'all, she is a guidance counselor! She is responsible for the teens of America! Ok maybe about seven of them, but STILL. Get that girl AWAY from America's future!

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Party's in Santa Fe this week, you guys. Nashville Megan was REAL excited about it. I'm fairly certain she thinks the gang is going to Mexico, but that's neither here nor there. North nor South. Old Nor New.

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One on One Date: CarlyLet's Come Together

First of all, I have a better idea:

You KNOW the interns were slapping high fives and snickering when they wrote that date card. God only knows how they found the Sex Guru, but we ALL know that was not her house. Or her Adobe. Or Clay hut. Or WHATEVER.

Probably on the brink of being terminated, one of the interns bravely blurted out that she knew a Sex Guru in Santa Fe that could handle a one-on-one date.

And boy did she deliver:

Speaking of Adam Sandler...

As we listen to the unsettling Native American WAILS that we hear before Carly and Prince Farming… come… together…we see that we are dealing with a "Love and Intimacy Counselor." (Their words, not mine.)

Surprising no one, Farming's summary of the Sex Adobe is simple: "This doesn't happen in Iowa."
I will give Farming some points for his description of Carly: "Funny, witty, makes me smile... I feel like we have a friendship..." Again, quite simple, but if someone said those things about me, I'd be on Dez Hartsock's Cloud Nine. No, it doesn't take a hot air balloon ride or a mountain top in Madeira, just the word "witty" is all...

The title card has been placed under this woman's (Mrs. Lippy) impossible-to-pronounce name, yet we stilll have no idea where this date could possibly be heading... For our patience in the discovery of what might actually happen on this date, we are awarded with a costume change. Carly and Farming are now wearing... curtains.

They have been running around in DRAPES?!

When Adobe Rafiki Guru whipped out the blindfold:

Carolyn: Oh gosh… They really are going to come together.

Johnny: The guru is so stoned. She is SO high.

Carly yells at the camera:THIS IS A FIRST DATE!Johnny: This is performance art. Good thing she has a great body.

Rafiki: As she breathes out, you breathe in.Grace: You will both feel lightheaded. And eventually, perhaps very shortly, pass out.Johnny: (inhaling from an Adobe blunt) Have you two seen the movie Ghost?

Carolyn: Do you believe in aliens?

Bottom line: I want to hate this date a lot more. Or rather, I want to hate them on this date a lot more- I hate the Adobe Sex Guru. But I also can't even take her seriously enough to really spend time ranting. Whoever came up with this ish is out of their mind. But I like Carly way too much to completely dismiss the entire thing. And I will give Carly points for choosing not to giggle off the whole thing. And then she drew some boundaries and declared that she was uncomfortable with going any further in the clothing removal. OH YOU SET THOSE BOUNDARIES, CARLY.

When they finally get out of the Adobe Blunt Shack and have a normal conversation, things progress very naturally for them. They were both very affirming and I was loving everything about what they were saying to each other. Mostly Carly. Actually all Carly. But I would REALLY like it if one of them would break out into “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman…” either one of them, Farming or Carly, doesn’t matter.

Small side note: towards the end of the night, Farming said that Carly is beautiful inside and out. This line usually doesn’t surface until we're down to the final two…JUST an observation...

Another small sidenote: Carolyn LOVED the white water rafting safety instructor… He assured all the girls that an accidental death was imminent, and then scampered off into a tumbleweed bush...
On the riverbank, former-intern-now-head-intern-honcho Jacob gave the interns a stern "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID" speech and they began an attempt to make up for the Adobe Blunt Shack Debacle by scrambling down the bank of the river, clearing boulders out of the way for the camera operators to follow the girls down the river...

As the boats finally make it to the shore, we see Farming is rubbing Jade's feet while all the other girls sit in the background.

Grace: What is this- …Johnny: Riverside champagne toast happening in the background?Grace: No, no, the selective hypothermia?? I don't even understand...

Kelsey's Crazy starts to come out (or is it the Editor's Crazy?) as she whines to the camera that she doesn't need Chris to rub her feet because she is FINE.

Riverside Kelsey, y'all

And then we get an entrance from Jordan... You remember Jordan, don't you? The one who talked about taking a buzz saw to Jillian's nether regions? The one who chose to do a handstand to demonstrate twerking? Yes, the one who is clearly fresh out of rehab and trying to make it to 30 meetings in 30 days. Im'ma vote that it was everyone's favorite (former) intern-now-assistant-editor Jacob, who added “Eliminated in Week 2” into Jordan's title card. Jordan drove 13 hours to Santa Fe, and it is VERY much giving me flashbacks to Kacie B (but didn’t Kacie B schlep all the way to like, Finland, to confront Ben?) Jordan tells Farming, “Second chances are important to me… as is, you know, love and happiness…”

But actually... She will.

I will give it to Jordan right now: she is making a COMEBACK. She looks amazing. Seriously had no idea how beautiful she was. LRPG was blown away.

Most of the girls chose to spend their one on one time trying to talk Chris out of letting Jordan stay, but Kaitlyn played her cards REALLY well, and told Chris that she didn't want to talk about Jordan. But can we talk about how the girls of this season have more defense of Jordan than ANYONE who's ever come back? (see: Kacie B, Shawntel, Kacie B again…)

Ashley I. chose to be the Pantsapreneur JJ of the group and make sure everyone knew exactly why they should be hating on Jordan's return. I was personally hoping for more of a knock-down-drag-out fight between Ashley and Whitney, but Whitney did a great job of keeping it classy. Poor Baby Mac had to listen as Ashley talked her ear off about... What did she even say, really? There was (literally) so much whining and crying that it all sounded the same. Ashley finished off her rant with,“Whitney hates me and I don’t even know why.”

And Whitney finished off her interview with: “No, it's not that I think Ashley is pretending to be someone she’s not… and that’s scary.”

I think we're done, here.

One on One Date: Britt
Ohhhh we start off the date with Farming thinking that Britt looks "as amazing first thing in the morning as she does when she's all dolled up at the rose ceremony..." He clearly has NO idea what it's like to see make-up on a SLEEPING LADY. Carly boldly informed us that Britt puts make-up on before she goes to bed.

FIRST OF ALL... I'm not ready to address the shower thing.
2) Does she wear make-up to bed every night of her life, or is this just a thing for the show because she doesn't want to horrify us all, circa Jillian with no make-up?
3) DOESN'T SHE KNOW THE RAMIFICATIONS OF SLEEPING IN MAKE-UP?!?!

I can't.

4) Those socks... Those socks she put on her feet were SO dirty.

And then Johnny said it best: "Britt looks like a Bratz doll."

I won't even put a photo here for comparison, because you ALL know it's true.

Lezzbe honest: Britt didn't get a great edit last night. (And may I just say: STOP. GASPING, BRITT. Seriously every fifteen seconds she apparently experienced the biggest shock of her life.) And while we have seen some fear of heights on this show (see: Baby Kelsey and Juan Pablo. See: VIENNA AND JAKE) I don't think we've ever seen tears at the arrival of a date card, based on a fear of heights. And we've certainly never seen such a protest at the date card but then NO PROTEST AT ALL once they were a thousand feet up in the air?

Did we just get played by Britt? Were the tears just a ruse so that she could set up a bigger payoff when Chris calmly talked her into jumping off the building (cliff, mountain, etc). And then did she just decide against the tears when she realized there was no way to play the hesitation game because what she thought was going to involve a leap of faith and a free fall merely included the freewill to jump into a balloon basket? (but PROPS to the camera guys. Those were NOT fun shots to set up, but they were executed beautifully.)

I really don’t know what to think of Britt and Chris. I like her, but I don’t know what to think of them together. It didn't help that she got such a poor edit and we were hearing about how manipulative she is, while watching these incredible aerial shots (and hearing her gasp EVERY. TWELVE. SECONDS.)... And honestly, Prince Farming is enough of a piece of toast that I would believe that they actually took a nap that afternoon...

...but I also wouldn't be surprised if they... what was Kelsey's word for it? "Explored the depths of physical affection."

And SPEAKING OF KELSEY...

I truly don't even know where to begin, when it comes to the last thirty minutes of the show last night. I was so captivated by the seething manipulation that was unfolding right in front of my eyes that I really only took one note:

- Sooooo Kelsey’s identity is in her widow-dom…

I think I have too much rage about emotional manipulation to even put together a coherent paragraph (or ten) so I'll stick with bullet points.

- I am so disturbed by the fact that we know Sanderson's name. That America now (most assuredly) knows the name of Kelsey's deceased husband.
- Why does she keep talking like she's at an audition for Downton Abbey? Why?!
- Remember how we got the whole front desk scene where Nick pretended to be Andi's husband, in order to find out her room number? Where was that scene tonight, huh, producers?!?
- Kelsey could have chosen a lot of different ways to dress, for this secret meeting with Farming...
...she chose to dress like a sixth grader.
Not a first grader, not a twelfth grader, but a sixth grader.

After she spieled to Farming:

Grace: those are some PIT STAINS that he's got going on.Johnny: I’d be sweaty, too, after that story. Kelsey: “I had to tell him my story. We had to have our first kiss.”

Fact: As much as Carolyn loved the river rafting guide, Johnny hated Kelsey kissing Chris after telling him about her husband. I'm pretty sure we were ALL in the fetal position for that moment.
Kelsey described her first kiss with Farming as "amazing" (same word she used to describe her story) But let's just take a quick look at the facts: a VERY sweaty Chris pulled Kelsey in for a hug and she captured his lips, on the way in. And the thing about this show is that what men have learned over the course of billions of years seasons, is that they don't have to show any signs of rejection in the moment, all they have to do is withhold a rose at the Rose Ceremony. So OF COURSE Farming kissed her back, and of COURSE she's on Dez Hartsock's cloud 9 about it... He did try to make a graceful exit with a raspy "Shall we?" to which Kelsey coyly shook her head, and to which Grace got back in the fetal position.
Another aspect of the episode that makes the whole thing remarkably entertaining is that Kelsey thought she was playing EVERYONE, last night. She didn't think that Chris was going to tell the other girls that she'd come to see him. She didn't think that the editors could piece her words together to blatantly expose her attempts at manipulation, and she clearly didn't think that there would be footage of the other girls talking smack about her.

....So she faked a panic attack.

I will end with a brilliant quote from Carly: "Kelsey was going to go home today. And then she talked to Chris. And now she’s not. Someone else is going home. Kelsey did that."