The Case Against Codependency

Maybe it’s because I’ve lived a pretty independent life, a semi-permanent gypsy of sorts, but I’ve always been wary of what I term codependency. To me this describes the couples who do everything together, enough so that you call them one unit: “JoeandSue” or they even have a celebrity name “JerryEllen”. On thinking about it, it’s not the doing everything together part I’ve been so afraid of, but the needing to do everything together. Maybe even the wanting.

I’ve never wanted to be part of an inseparable unit. I’m a twin, so I know how hard it is to be your own independent self when people see you as one whole. When a couple always insists on being together, I’m less likely to invite them on my outings. Selfish? Maybe. But I think there are discoveries to be made in everyone, and when a couple is together all the time, I can’t learn those individually. It’s a package deal, and I don’t really do well with those.

I tend to surround myself with people who don’t celebrate each month that they have been married (yes, really). I tend to shy away from people who use the word “we” all the time instead of “I” : “We don’t like peas.” One time one half of a couple spent most of a run insisting how compatible they were and how they were almost like one person. That to me would be like living a nightmare. I don’t want to be married to someone just like me.

I love doing stuff with my husband, but I equally love the times when we go do our own things. It would be easy in our small town to slip into a scenario where I relied on him for my entertainment, my cheerleading, my BFF and outdoors buddy needs. I just don’t think that is good for either of us. Nobody can meet all your needs, and I’ve often wondered if that is the cause of many a divorce, that expectation that your partner should and can (then again, some of us marry jerks the first time around. Ahem). I love my girlfriends for the chance to talk about stuff my husband would never get, my male friends for a good dose of reality, and my co-workers for venting, so I don’t do it at home (this is also why I cringe when I hear someone say, “I’m marrying my best friend.” I realize others see it differently, but my concept of a best friend is different from theirs).

I think it’s great that couples like each other so much that they enjoy a lot of the same things. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’d choose slogging up a dreary snow slope with my husband over a lot of other things. Where it might veer off the tracks a little for me is when I can’t pry one half of the couple out to do anything by themselves. When one half won’t do something because the other doesn’t like it: “Steve hates skiing, so I do too”. When one half does go out for an adventure but cuts it short because “I miss Steve”. When the couple appears to have no other friends besides themselves. Little things like that make me wonder.

You know what though? If it works for you, go for it. There are always happy exceptions to every rule. The only way I could be married is to retain a lot of independence. Others may feel differently. But the month anniversary of your wedding? Please. Knock it off.

12 comments on “The Case Against Codependency”

I think there needs to balance. I’ve learned that too much independence can slowly kill a relationship…and I’ve learned I ‘have’ to learn to be more co-dependent in order for our marriage to work. Who know that moving across the country and living apart for two years wouldn’t go well? I certainly thought it’d be fine….turns out, it’s better when we live in the same house for most of the month….

Technically, you’re talking about enmeshment –one partner adopts the needs and emotions of the other and ceases to be their own person. It’s a component of co-dependency, but can occur separately as well. Whatever you call it, it’s wicked unhealthy. That said, there are different levels of togetherness, and I’m sure that some couples who do everything together manage to avoid becoming pathological. Like you said, it comes down to finding someone whose need for independence matches yours.

Well said! I really like this post. I know couples where the husband has to ASK for permission to go do guy stuff. Jason doesn’t have to ask me for permission, but I do want to know where he is going in case they don’t come back on time since they tend to go to remote places. I think that is a really weird concept (asking for permission to go do something with your friends). My hubby and I are definitely NOT codependent. We both have our separate activities that we enjoy and do separately (I’m the nonmotorsport girl and the too-afraid-to-downhill-ski girl who enjoys cycling, nordic skiing, hiking, etc.). My hubby Jason likes more of the fast paced stuff snowmachines (riding powder and jumps) and is an excellent downhill skier (he skied a lot when he was younger and picks up right where he left off). He does enjoy hiking, but not the epic hikes I enjoy so when we hike, they are short 2-3 miles usually. We are also pretty different personality-wise – he’s quiet and thoughtful where I’m more outspoken and animated. I tend to be more impulsive unless I’m buying electronics or technical gear. I think our relationship works because neither of us HAS to be together and we don’t define who the other is as a person. We enjoy spending time together – he’s my best friend. We certainly aren’t perfect, but I think what we have is about as close to perfect as it can get. (Jill, I can hear you making gagging sounds – stop it. 😉 So all that to say, I couldn’t agree more with Mary.

I am the terrified of skiing person in my relationship and it bugs me to no end that people assume just because he loves it, I will too. Someone just asked me today when I was going to learn. Just. Stop.

Full disclosure: AKChick’s husband and I have been friends since pre-high school, so I have a special insight into his background! I remember the days when he and my brother were imitating the Blizzard of Aaahs skiers, sporting neon ski suits (Jason rocking the monoski as well), and basically making big ’80s fools of themselves at Alyeska…back when it was a big deal to ski the North Face (because it was out of bounds back then of course).

No one else jumped on this, so I’m gonna. You’re a twin? Identical? Fraternal? Do you have a twin brother or sister? Do you think being a twin has pushed you to become more independent? Is your twin anything like you? I’d love to hear more about this.

Hey Jill, I am an identical. I think it did push me to be more independent because in school, people lumped us so much as a unit just because we looked alike. We are similar, but we definitely like different things and pursue different interests.