Two years ago, I had it all. An amazing job, a great boyfriend and a stable, wonderful family. Then my cousin died, my job went away, my boyfriend and I broke up and my Mom had a break down. This is my true story of how I went from having it all to having nothing at all. And this is my journey out - ONE FUN ADVENTURE at a time until I find my way back to me. 'Cause, after spending over 100 days in bed, I've realized, I don't want to live that way anymore.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

First of all, I apologize for my absence. I can explain it all right here: totally new business opportunity I was going to be a part of went bust; needed to return to Los Angeles for work and was terribly sad about that; came back to LA, was terribly sad, ate a lot of Cheetos; started dating someone cute (sexy, hot! gives me girl boners!) and things started to look up; a new work opportunity came about and I sort of got the "life's kick in the pants" sign to just... GET GOING AGAIN.

Does that sound too vague?

The fact is, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unsure or even a little down, I will tend to disappear. And I did, didn't I? A friend of mine told me she recommended this blog to someone as a giant pick-me-up but her friend told her, "Um, her blog is kind of depressing." LOL! I guess the last 2 entries have been.

I'm not good at faking happy when I'm not. Which actually, you guys have been cool about. Mel, a frequent reader often tells me to be "more real, more raw" -- that I should talk about the down times. Life is hard for all of us. Especially now in this place in history.

But when I'm feeling down, I feel like a failure... I can't explain why. Maybe for not making the most of what I have. Maybe for not being a trooper and just getting on with life. You know, my whole life, I've watched my Mom just pretend to be happy even when she wasn't. With a swish of a good lipstick and a smile she could turn a down day and a dark stormy cloud (in front of us) into, like, Miss America for everyone else.

Not that I blame her. I don't. I am responsible for me. So... I was in a funk. And it was feeling like a G-d damn deep one. Job 1 was to get out of it. I started on some meds which I know lots of people have different feelings about but WOW, I saw a difference in 2 weeks - from despair to... I don't even know how to describe it. Just "goodness."

That made me get out of sweatpants and comb my darn hair. Then more socializing, then off to the gym, then out on dates, then hoping on more creative endeavors, then breaking out the Adventure Bowl (which will be my next post).

I don't know how long I'll stay on these meds. It's just helping me ride out this wave of... I don't even know what... bumpiness of life? Yeah, I guess that's it. I feel more happy, connected to myself and productive. So I'll stick with it for another month or two. To be honest, I really haven't felt this down since my cousin was killed but I did have the where-with-all to know "this is just chemical," I knew it was truly something meds could help with.

I hope that brings you up to speed. About that luscious boy I was speaking about? Well, he's really sweet, really foxy and I like him. Some red flags are jumping up in terms of anything long term but I am trying to tell myself to just SHUT UP and enjoy it. It's just been a few dates, no need to get into my head right now and ruin it.

Does that answer everything? You can ask me anything in the comments and I will answer! I was floored and so happy to receive so many comments on the last post along with emails of support. You guys and gals are the best! :) xoxoxo K

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