Author Sue Ann Jaffarian offers meanderings from an often muddled and exhausted mind.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Dating in the Middle Ages - Week One

And, no, I don't mean Middle Ages as in medieval. I'm talking about an age range.

I’ve been on a paid dating site for a week now. I’ve been fairly successful in weeding out creeps and have chatted with some nice men. So far there has been no one I’ve wanted to meet, though there are still a couple of potential candidates – if they don’t screw it up. My money is on the screw-up.

First of all, why why why why do these men NOT read profiles? Or maybe they don’t believe them. It’s a mystery. If you are on a dating site and paying for the service, wouldn’t you want to find a proper match for yourself? I realize I’m not a guy and therefore lack that “I’ll just throw it all out there and see what sticks” mentality, but if my profile says I’m looking for men in a certain geographic location and within a certain age range, that’s what I’m looking for. And my preferences are broad enough to throw a wide net, so it’s not like I’m being unreasonable. I also made it clear that I lean towards the left politically and am not religious. Two other traits that have missed attention.

Okay, so let’s move to the next level. I’ve weeded out those who have winked and e-mailed me to several I find promising and moved on to chatting one-on-one. Here’s where you’d think the rubber meets the road, right? Wrong! I can’t tell you how many nice chats I’ve had only to get an e-mail the next morning and wonder “who in the hell is this guy and did he not pay attention to what we talked about?” I’m finding the real personalities are coming out in the morning after e-mail. And although I still consider many of them nice guys, it becomes clear they might not be for me. It’s the morning after e-mail where the rubber is either sticking to the road or burning as I flee.

Guys, here are a few pointers:

Please do not tell me after a few minutes of chat that you are going to delete your dating profile because you think I might be “THE ONE.” You are either lying or desperate, and neither is attractive. I want you to keep your dating profile active, just as I intend to keep mine active, until you find someone with whom to spend quality time. You can’t determine that after online chat.

When chatting online, be present. Don’t let long lapses between comments build. You are either chatting with many women at once or doing other things. If you can’t focus on getting to know me for at least ten minutes, please do not bother me.

Conversely, be aware of providing TMI in initial chats. These are just tools to get to know each other. Disclosing deep personal information should come over time and with trust. After chatting with one fellow, I felt like I was a therapist and he was on my couch. I should have sent him a bill. Instead, I sent him packing.

If you use the world SOUL MATE more than once or twice in your profile, chat or e-mails, chill. Ideally we are all looking for our soul mate. I’ve read enough badly written purple prose in the last week to make a Harlequin editor gag. Leave that talk for later, over candlelight dinners or in afterglow. It’s not that I don’t want a man to say romantic things to me, but not until he gets to know me.

And speaking of profiles, what’s with the single-spaced essays? Geez, some guys’ profiles are so long and verbose, it’s an instant turnoff. And many sound the same, as if they are being coached by a 14-year-old, hopelessly romantic girl. Some I even suspect of being cut and pasted from other profiles. Be genuine because eventually the real you is going to come out and better not to surprise the lady.

Remember the Old Days when dating was:a. being introduced by a mutual friendb. approaching that someone you saw in the cereal ailsec. aunt harriet's best friend's niece from Atlantad. finally getting your partner in chem 101 to see a foreign film with youe. getting up the nerve to say 'hi' to that woman/man who sits next to you on the bus each day.

Maybe to some guys online dating is like trolling (fishing) using artificial bait (creative profiles)and universal 'hooks' (one approach fits all)... personally I love the old days

Awesome post! I love those pointers. Keep the faith, though. I met a good friend of mine on a dating site. There are good people online, you just have to sort through the riff raff to get to them. Judging by your post, that sounds exactly like what you are doing. It will all work itself out in its own time. Your job is to enjoy the ride!

HI Sue Ann…great post.Did you know there is actually a comedy series called "Dating In The Middle Ages." You'll love it. Might want to check it out…it also plays on the words. http://datinginthemiddleages.com Follows a blocked historical (medieval) romance writer as she searches for her Mr. Right in all the Wrong places. Very funny…Enjoy!

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About Me

Author of several mystery and romance series, as well as general fiction and short stories; motivational and humorous speaker; full-time paralegal; half-assed vegan; future RVer; alive and well in Los Angeles, CA.

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