Am I mad??

DH had an affair 9 years ago we did all the upset guilt trip healing and some sort of normality although not the same returned. Just discovered Xmas eve that DH visited a prostitute a few months ago. DD gave me the idea he was having an affair and when I presented the suspicion he fes'd up to the brothel visit. This time however we agreed to leave it til after Xmas to discuss for sake of DC's Xmas and now we're there I'm not bothered about talking it through. I don't know if that means I don't care about the infidelity or that I don't care about the marriage. I really thought after all the hurt and apology last time I'd never be in this position. He is a really nice very steady ordinary man who just feels so lonely in our marriage he says due to our infrequent sex life ... Kids, work, elderly parents getting in the way etc. I'm upset ... Pride more than anything but I'm not feeling the need to dissect it all this time. Does that mean I don't care about the marriage?

DD found antibiotics and condoms from an STD clinic so I accused him of another affair he says he felt dirty after going to a brothel and got checked out. He was all clear he says when he got the results. I would say he was covering an affair except he was sooo convincing in his shame and self loathing for paying for it. Not sure either way not sure if I really care - last time it was details required, tears, all night talking etc. this time I'm not even curious just sort of normal.... Can't work me out.

And, I've said this before and I'll no doubt say it again, if you do something you know will jeopardise your relationship then you don't really care about the relationship... Your DH cares more about getting a quick shag, it would appear.

He wasn't all clear. The UK does not allow preventative antibiotics for STDs. Not under any circumstances.

Whether you have been intimate or not, get yourself checked out. Some STDs can be spread in bizarre ways.

Then, decide what to do about your DH. He needs to tell you the truth - everything he has said is in question as he has lied about being infected. That isn't just his health that he is lying about, he is risking you, too.

Find out where he got the infection from, when, and what it was. Then ask him to leave for a while. You'll soon see if you miss him or want him back, or if you are quite happy on your own.

He won't change. He doesn't care enough too...and he's so obvious and blase about his affairs that he leaves the evidence around for your DD to find and analyse. Fun. She now knows that her dad is a cheat and a liar, and her perception of relationships will be changed. How can he live with that?

Your all right, I guess my reaction means I know it deep down. The last 9 years have been OK. Not unhappy but not the same, I think we've been borrowed time, the original affair was such a betrayal it was probably really over I just couldn't see it. I think I will quiz him again when we turn in, I need to make him squirm at least. I think he takes my indifference to be he got away with it. Although he has been walking on egg shells. I guess bring it to a head and see where we go from there, at least it may provoke a reaction in me. Playing happy families over Xmas has probably made it all a bit artificial.

To be fair DD thinks all is well. I covered for him. Told her I knew about them and we were keeping them for a friend. Don't want the kids involved until I know what's going to happen and it becomes necessary.

really? You would lie to the daughter who brought this to your attention to cover the back of your lying husband. Sorry, but thats awful and I am sure she doesnt believe you either now. kids arent that stupid......

The harsh reality is that men express their love through the act of sex and if a woman will not make love to her husband then the man feels unloved and unable to show his love - so he will go elsewhere.

There are many relationship specialists who say that it is cruel for a woman to deny sex to her husband. I agree. I can't think of a single man who will not become miserable, depressed and thoroughly unhappy at being in a sexless relationship.

I don't say the above to hurt you or to make you feel worse. I am just giving you the perspective of how important the sexual act is for a man. If you wish to save your marriage then please seriously consider the above and why sex is so important to a man. I know that you mention the kids, the parents, work, etc, etc, but sex is SO important to a man to show love to his woman that, without it, he will just walk out of the door eventually.

I hope you can overcome all the awful feelings that you feel now and find a way for you and your husband to have a happy, loving and sexual relationship going forward.

She's got exam's and enough pressure, she seemed content with the explaination. I didn't feel good about it my instinct was to protect them from any fall out, I still wouldn't want them to know why if I kick him out... I'm ashamed at failing and he ought to be ... I don't want them to have to feel ashamed too.

Tawse: the reason most women go off sex with their husbands (in relationships where the man complains that the woman is not sufficiently amenable to sex) is that the man is not doing his share of the domestic work and childcare, therefore the woman loses any feelings of desire for him: it's hard to want sex with someone who is treating you as a servant.