Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during my trials and tribulations. Names, places, and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae and identities of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental, and unintended. Peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little suggestive.

Baby, I wish it was me, I wish it was so
Lonely lonely oh, love me
I don't wanna be alone anymore
Ow-wooh I love you

“Ow-wooh I love you… la-la-la…cha-cha-cha…” Christine found herself humming. Then a sense of confusion suddenly enveloped her. Why is everything dark, she muttered to herself, then she shuddered…OMG! I am blind! Then she realized her eyes were shut tight. She slowly opened her eyes…OMG! I still see dark!

Idi kuan, and then, light seemed to creep in, Christine could faintly see some fine patterns, like…like capillaries branching, like the blood capillaries in her eyelids. But my eyes are already wide open, she again muttered, then the pattern became more visible and distinguishable…her hair stiffened, she’s looking at the surface of a wood…and close-up!

Fear and panic suddenly precipitated in her brain…is this the ceiling of my coffin door…am I dead? OMG! But why am I seeing wood, they put me in a cheap wooden coffin without cloth lining…and why am I hearing a popular Korean Pop song…no, not the original…a mix of Korean, Tagalog/Visayan, and English…my soul is now in heaven…a Korean heaven?

Christine tried to move, but she couldn’t move her arms…she blinked her eyelids several times. Strange, she muttered, I can blink and now my vision is becoming more clear, I can move my eyelids, and now, I can roll my eyes sideways, I can see both sides of my unlined wooden coffin…and why am I talking to myself?

Feeling more confused, Christine tried to remember what happened: a spider was crawling… no, a spiderman was crawling outside her 44th floor window… then more spidermen crawling… then… there was a big bang… then her office door was flying… after the big bang… the door was more like one of the stars flying after the Big Bang, flying away from the Big Bang…like her office door flying toward her, then before the door could hit her and she could see more stars, she was jolted and lifted from her chair, but gravity prevailed quickly, she slammed down to her chair sitting which at the same moment tumbled backward…and at the same time her desk also tumbled backward…away from the big bang…

Christine thought of screaming for help, but remembering Vanessa in KarmaSutra XXX, How to Cauterize your Bleeding Heart, what if the masked spidermen caused the explosions…bad spidermen? Then it would be unwise to let them know where she’s at.

Christine tried to lift her head which was resting on the headrest of her chair, she was relieved she could move her head, her neck was not broken. She could see that she’s still in a sitting position on her chair, her legs which she could also move assumed the shape of the chair, as if she was molded with the chair and she noticed that she and her chair were facing up toward the heavens, they were horizontal. When she felt she could move her arms, she tried to lift the door of her coffin but the door wouldn’t budge.

And then, idi kuan, she realized her desk had ‘entombed’, no, more precisely, ‘en-coffined’ her and her chair, they were inside the leg room of her desk… and the flying office door actually got plastered at the bottom of the desk, creating a tomb-like space for her and her chair to nest, almost like a cocoon. Leg room? Christine giggled when she remembered what Charlie had told her about leg room.

Ha? Someone is scolding me for giggling as if all of these is just a joke? Christine muttered to herself. Then she realized her earbuds were plugged in her ears and she was listening to her tablet’s music player. She removed her earbuds. She could hear her phone, Charlie was leaving a message, but she realized the phone’s sound was faint, my phone must be outside my ‘tomb’, she muttered to herself. She tried to connect to the internet to send Charlie an instant message but the wireless network was down.

Christine smiled when she remembered that prior to the big bang, she was actually listening to a recorded live performance by Marco San’s band during the first National Police Ball which she attended when she and Charlie had just started dating.

Marco San’s band is a P-Pop band, a Pinoy Pop band and his band played their version of the I Wish by the K-Pop band F.T. Island. Marco San was the vocalist and the Nalibug twins, Grace and Katrina Nalibug were the harmony/vocalists, Elisa May played the electric guitar, Elisa May’s waswit, her sweetheart hubby played the electronic keyboard, Miss Ariana Siddiqi played her clarinet, Zoro played his electric banduria, Miss Teresa played the electric drums, and Marco San and Miss Brenda San’s toddle son, Kalis Marco San rang his steel ring. Kalis Marco San, being an M.R.B., Master Ring-Bearer, the bringer of the Ring, always carry a ring with him, either a wedding ring or his musical steel ring.

Of course, the surprise of the night was when Detective Charlie and his partner Detective Preci danced a paso doble and rumba-lambada combo during the P-Pop performance. Christine couldn’t believe what she was watching: Inside the pretty but tough detective cop actually resides a delicate, sensitive, and sensuous woman. Detective Preci wowed everyone with her short spanish skirt and sensuous gyrating hips…eat your heart out Shakira!

Or Marian Rivera in Chiquita Cha-Cha-Cha. Or Catherine Zeta-Jones and Antonio Banderas!

Even Kalis Marco San couldn’t quite focus on his ring-tinging as his large eyes were focused on Detective Preci while Preci and Charlie danced their lambada moves; Charlie behind Preci, their bodies welded like two spoons, gyrating in unison, gyrate half twist quarter turn left, gyrate half twist quarter turn right

Uh-uh, Christine thought, now I understand why Detective Preci’s boyfriend, Edo Manzanilla is always jealous and insecure; not only that Preci is pretty, but she possesses a body that Karm might describe in his KarmaSutra XXX series ‘a body that will not quit’:

WuuuHuuu! Katawan! Materialez Fuertez!

Edo Manzanilla stayed away and didn’t attend the police ball. Probably he didn’t want to see Preci and Charlie do an almost horizontal cha-cha but done vertically and upright, Christine thought. He didn’t want to witness their version of chicken dance:

Charlie, like a matador…no, more like a manador;

OLE! Ttan saram mannado

Charlie, the cock, the manador, sumarsarigsig, circling Preci the upa, the mommy chicken, courting her, cavorting her, cajoling her… until the mommy chicken gives in for a quickie.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Donde esta mi queso? Te quiero mi queso! Who moved my Cheese? Waaaaah kawawa naman ako, lonely, lonely me! Why do you have to dance the Lambada con twerking! Why do you have to be so pretty and tasty like a cheese… Damn you Sexy Preci!

Edo and Preci actually had a fight a few days prior to the Police ball so they were in the off again phase of their on again off again relationship. Edo stopped by at Preci’s residence in Quezon City one afternoon and he nearly lost his mind at what he saw: Charlie behind Preci, both drenched in sweat, their faces writhing in pain… no, writhing in ecstasy. Edo might be jealous and possessive, but not stupid. He waited until Detective Charlie had left before he confronted Detective Preci; confronting two cops would be suicidal:

What the hell were you two doing? And you have to do it vertically, him behind you? And you are soaking wet! What’s your excuse this time Preci? We were practicing our dance for the police ball, Edo. The aircon is out of order.

And your face was writhing in pleasure and ecstasy Preci, as if you were having an orgas… organic experience. That’s how you dance a latin dance Edo, the paso doble con rumba, bigay-hilig, you have to capture the essence, the sensuousness of the moves. I think you are conning me Preci, I think you were doing the chicken dance!

Enihu, Christine thought the sensuousness was too alluring while watching Detective Preci undulate and gyrate during the Police Ball. Too inviting that Christine felt like joining Preci and Charlie for a threesom… eh, three-way dance. But that would be wrong, Christine thought. She wouldn’t want to disturb the coherence that Charlie and Preci had built, their bodies moving as one, in unison, as if in resonance, like in NMR, nuclear magnetic resonance. Preci and Charlie had developed a magnetic field that had welded their bodies together for a unified motion, like… couples with spin-spin coupling in NMR. Joining them for a three way dance would just perturb that magnetic field. Christine wouldn’t want to be the perturbator.

Christine actually didn’t have any feeling of jealousy and insecurity. Charlie had reassured her they are just partners, not lovers. We adhere to a very strict moral code Christine, Charlie swore. Preci is like a sister to me, she is actually very religious, always praying Hail Mary, almost like a Madre, a Sister Nun. Christine believed him. Preci does have a very angelic and serene face like the Virgin Mary.

Charlie also told Christine that Preci is a very emotional and sensitive woman; crying to him everytime Edo makes an accusation. Like the accusation that Preci might be kneeling in front of Charlie while surveilling for hours.

So Charlie, Christine joked one day, did it ever cross your mind while surveilling…her kneeling? Charlie joked back, that would be impossible Christine, no leg room in our surveillance car.

That’s why Christine giggled when she noticed she was ‘entombed’ in the leg room of her desk. Christine tried again to push the coffin door but again the desk wouldn’t budge. Quite heavy, Christine thought, probably if I kick it open… but not enough leg room to swing my foot, and I am sitting on my chair…no, more like spooning, like Charlie and Preci dancing the lambada. She giggled again. Sitting or spooning with her chair inside her desk’s leg room seem funny.

Then suddenly, a thought crossed Christine’s mind: But if there’s not enough leg room, why kneel, what if… Preci sits. Like in the movies… she sits on Charlie’s lap facing him… straddling him like a horse… gyrating sensuously, their faces writhing in pleasure and ecstasy… her sweat-drenched sando bobbing… her body undulating sinusoidally… sinuso…

OMG! Christine felt an extreme self-shame and confusion. What’s wrong with me, she thought, scolding herself. Being in this precarious situation, this predicament, why do I even think of sex. And also, I thought the title of this story was supposed to be Sweet Dreams, not Wet Dreams… why am I getting wet?

Christine started to pray her own version of a prayer to drive away the impure thoughts. But she knew exactly whom to blame:

Damn you sexy Madre Preci and your angelic face and your sensuous body for sowing the seeds of impure thoughts and Lust! I hope you get a Charley Horse!