How Petraeus Proves That You Can’t Outsmart Nature

When first hearing about the General Petraeus scandal, I wasn’t very interested in writing about it. I mean, “Powerful man cheats on wife with attractive young woman who admires him” is about as dog bites man-ey as a story can get. This is something that has always happened and will always continue to happen. Frequently. (In fact, some would argue that the main reason why men seek power is so they’ll have sexual access to a larger population of women — basically, power didn’t make him have sex with other women as much as his want to have sex with other women made him want to be more powerful — but that’s another discussion for another day)

“So,” I can imagine you asking, “if this is such a non-story, why did you decide to write about it?” Good question! In a couple of the articles I’ve read about this, the authors were trying to piece together when this affair most likely began. It’s generally assumed that it started after she spent time with him in Afghanistan, but no one has really been able to pinpoint exactly when. I decided to write about this because, well, anyone who points to Afghanistan as the beginning of their affair is looking at it all wrong. There’s no need to check emails or text messages or phone calls to find an exact date. The answer is in plain sight.

Paula Broadwell, the woman with whom he had this affair, writes in her fawning biography of Petraeus that they first met when she was in graduate school at Harvard and he came to give a talk about counterinsurgency strategy. She approached him afterward and expressed interest in the subject; they exchanged cards. Soon, she decided to write a Ph.D. dissertation on his leadership style and, when he took command in Afghanistan, asked if she could come observe him in action. He agreed.

This affair began the moment Petraeus decided to allow this young and attractive woman — a young and attractive woman who was infatuated with him, remember — to shadow him. Maybe they hadn’t actually had sex yet, but when he signed off on accepting her offer, he might as well as put his signature on her clitoris.

Now, I’m certain that, when first meeting Broadwell, Petraeus wasn’t thinking to himself “I wanna f*ck her while she’s screaming out random quotes from the book she’s going to write about me.” Actually, lemme rephrase that. He probably did think that — trust me when I say that you (women) really do not want to be privy to the surprisingly creative depths of the sexually deprived thoughts and fantasies that go through our heads when meeting an attractive woman — but thinking that and actually putting things in motion so that it will happen are two different things. Basically, I don’t think “I’m going to cheat on my wife with her” was the first thought that came to mind when meeting her.

The mistake Petraeus — an extremely smart and extremely calculating man — made was the same that most other men who’ve ever stepped out on their significant others also made. Regardless of how smart you are and how strong your will may be, you cannot outsmart or outwill nature. You just can’t expect to spend that much time — running together, sharing meals, speaking for hours, etc — with someone you may be attracted to and expect nothing to happen.

This is why I’m not a huge believer in true platonic friendships, why I’ve argued that men who want to avoid cheating need to avoid nightclubs, and why I believe that you avoid cheating by making decisions weeks, months, years even before the opportunity to cheat even enters the picture.

Affairs like Petraeus’s don’t begin when actual penetration occurs. They don’t even begin when you first start flirting and/or having conversations that aren’t really all that inappropriate yet. It starts when you first begin to entertain the idea that you enjoy having a certain person around you, and you start doing things to make sure you interact more often. You start going to lunch at 12:15 instead of 12:30 because it increases the likelihood of you “running into” her. You find bullshit excuses to text them or hit them up on Gchat, asking him questions that you could have easily just googled. You allow her to follow you to Afghanistan, work out with her daily, and allow her to stay in your headquarters.

Considering that it’s near impossible to be in a relationship and avoid everyone who you might be attracted to, I imagine that some of you think I think affairs, especially among people with options, are inevitable and unpreventable. If none of us can outsmart nature, those who want to stay faithful are doomed, right?

This is not true. There are two easy ways to help prevent something like this from happening.

1. Only commit to someone if you fill completely “fulfilled” by them.

2. If you’ve committed to someone who doesn’t completely fulfill you and you ever happen to encounter someone you think you may be attracted to, nod your head at them, take a deep breath, turn the other way, and run.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Â¹Can’t take full credit for this observation. My mom actually made it while watching a news story about the scandal.Btw, thanks again for all the well-wishes regarding her health.She has a long road ahead of her, but she seems to be responding well to her treatment so far.

What made it so funny for me is that i saw on the news this morning and was like, “damn she looks like somebody, i can’t put my finger on it.”

Eps

So not to answer twice in a row (I had to actually stop laughing at the clitoral signature joke), you basically saying that a man must live in monastic solitude with his woman in order to not cheat. Gotcha

Now what are the rules for women? That would have me curious!
the rules are the same. its no different for women. its not like women have a gene that makes them stop being attracted to people when they commit.

Around the Way Girl

Actually, I would slightly amend the rules when it comes to women…we have to be even more strict with ourselves.

I have been unfaithful in the past, with a friend. He was not someone I was initially attracted to; I realized I was into him over a year after we became friends. He’s not an “attractive” guy, but I came to really like and respect him. He was cool, fun, talented, humble, and had a great mind. I was spending a lot of time with him thinking he was “safe” because I didn’t find him all that attractive, but he ended up being the furthest thing from safe. Our chemistry grew over time, and I was falling for him without even realizing it.

I’ll never forget the moment I did realize it- it just hit me at once, BAM. I was hanging out with mutual friends of ours, and one of them said his name. The second this guy said my friend’s name, for a split second my breath caught and my heart skipped a beat. That’s when I was like, “oh sh!t.” I didn’t act on those feelings for a long time, but they continued to grow. A few months later, we were chillin together and he kissed me. We didn’t go further that night, but I knew it was going to happen. My resolve was completely gone after that; I never wanted a person as bad as I wanted him. And sure enough, the next time I saw him…well, yall can figure it out lol.

My story is a cautionary tale, ladies. No man that you genuinely like is safe, no matter how “attracted” you think you are to him. Believe that.

Justmetheguy

I feel like a lil school girl with an enormous crush when I read your posts. Please bring all that eloquence and wisdom to my site, and never leave me again. Thanks

Justmetheguy

I feel like a lil school girl with an enormous crush when I read your posts. Please bring all that eloquence and wisdom to my site, and never leave me again. Thanks

Around the Way Girl

See, this is how it starts…lol

Seriously though, thank you for not judging me :) And hold up, you have a site too?? What is it?

Justmetheguy

Lol, y would I judge? Same ish happened to me except I kinda did find her attractive b4 hand. It’s http://www.alltherightquestions.com. We update Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Join the community :)

Around the Way Girl

For sure! Very cool.

You’re tagged as “pornography” on my work network though lol (promising ;) ).

Around the Way Girl

For sure! Very cool.

Youâ€™re tagged as â€œp0rnographyâ€ on my work network though lol (promising ;) ).

http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

i didnt know you blogged?

http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

i still dont see how this is different for men and women, your story happens frequently to both men and women so the rules are still the same..

Around the Way Girl

I was just saying that for us, the handsome ones aren’t the only ones we need to avoid excessive quality time with. We can get caught up based on more than just looks. This isn’t typical of men.

http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

I was just saying that for us, the handsome ones arenâ€™t the only ones we need to avoid excessive quality time with. We can get caught up based on more than just looks. This isnâ€™t typical of men.

lol im going to disagree. a lot of men cheat “down”, for the same reason, you get comfortable with your lack of initial attraction and it catches you off guard.
but i totally agree with you and your story is exactly how it plays out. its real in these committed streets

Around the Way Girl

Yeah now that I think about it, you’re completely right.

JW

This posts speaks to my thinking. Most women are not gonna step out on their man with a random dude. It will be emotional cheating, with someone they know. Men are more prone to hit and quit it. Most women would say it worst if a man is caught cheating wining and dining a woman versus a random hook up at the club.

http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com weethomas

If you find yourself that strongly attracted to every woman that passes you daily, then yes, your only option is monastic solitude. Everyone else just needs to be real about male/female interactions.

chameleonic

why doesnt attraction stop? i really dont get how youre with someone yet everything about your person isnt dedicated to them. solitude is the most basic, logical solution but seeing as how you have to interact in the world, im not getting why youre not solely attracted to your woman. if youre married to someone there should be an off switch. there should be an off switch regardless. if youre with a woman youre with her.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“why doesnt attraction stop?”

because it doesn’t, that’s why

chameleonic

but why not? how is anyone walking around attracted to mad people? and for that matter, i would think getting married pretty much wipes it out and if there are people youre attracted to, you can just cut them out of your life. that seems like putting a stop to it.

Asiyah

Biology and physiology, that’s why.

chameleonic

so? PSYchology should overpower all that. if im not psychologically (a combo of logic and realistic perception) attracted to someone my body could be setting fire to the rain in its chemical nature and its ignored. there should be a psychological/mental aversion to anyone other than your wife. i dont think chemicals in my body attract me to men. i think my mind tells me ‘this is an appropriate person to see as a potential mate.’

men must walk around like ‘id f*ck her, id f*ck her, id f*ck both of them, id wax my t*sticals to get me some of that…..is she a quality mate? WHO CARES! p*ssy! nom nom nom attraction.’

Asiyah

I’m not saying psychology shouldn’t trump all that. I’m not implying that we don’t have any control over our actions. I’m simply answering your question as to how that it is possible to be attracted to others in spite of being in love with someone. The issue isn’t being attracted to others; the issue is what you do with said attraction. That’s where psychology comes in.

Omar

“but why not?”

You would have to take that up with God.

“how is anyone walking around attracted to mad people?”

This actually describes the lives of most guys from the age of 11 until they either die or lose their sight.

chameleonic

lmao. really? i dont know what its like to be attracted to a lot of people. men must be hypersensitive to appealing stimuli.

Justmetheguy

We are.

Kema

Me too

JW

Nope. I’ve just decided to embrace it, and like you said, avoid situations to cheat. I’m not gonna keep lying to myself and say I wouldn’t do something if some attractive woman decided one day that she was gonna let me know I can smash without putting any work in. But it’s much easier for me, since that situation has a ,5% chance of happening, and no hot college girl is interested in writing my life story.

http://www.todisspits.blogspot.com MicTheMessenger

“if youre married to someone there should be an off switch. there should be an off switch regardless.”

Let’s be serious. That’s probably not gonna happen. We can’t just turn OFF attraction. Honestly, there’s probably ALWAYS gonna be someone around us that we’re attracted to in some way. We just need to have the discernment and sense to understand that not every person we come across isn’t someone we should be sleeping with.

As long as we can get it up, and as long as we can still get our chin wet, everyday leading to the day we lose those abilities will be a challenge.

Asiyah

Exactly. All biology and physiology.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“you basically saying that a man must live in monastic solitude with his woman in order to not cheat. Gotcha”

Yes and no. Yes because it’s true, and no because I don’t want to believe it

Old man

True dat. When you decide to stay married, you make rational choices like the ones outlined.

http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

SPECIFICALLY if you’re a general. The reason that this is such a big deal is that you can be court-martialed for an affair, because it’s considered to compromise national security. (The reasoning is that the mistress could be a spy and extort info, or an enemy could extort info to hide the affair)
So this is bigger than your average ‘politician cheated/dog bites man’ story’

http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com weethomas

He can’t face court martial. As head of the CIA, he’s no longer a military asset.

http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

The NPR story said military officers (of any rank) could be court martialed for an affair, but sounds like he’s not one. But he’d still going to some kind of trial for compromising national security. Either way, he’s in some seeerious isht

A Woman’s Eyes

” It starts when you first begin to entertain the idea that you enjoy having a certain person around you, and you start doing things to make sure you interact more often. You start going to lunch at 12:15 instead of 12:30 because it increases the likelihood of you â€œrunning intoâ€ her. You find bullshit excuses to text them or hit them up on Gchat, asking him questions that you could have easily just googled. You let her to follow you to Afghanistan, work out with her daily, and allow her to stay in your headquarters.”

WORD!

Wit and Wizdom

What Petraeus did is abnormal:

Usually the mistress is uglier than the wife. He did his wife mad dirty…he upgraded. However, most men above the age of 40 have no defense against a woman 20 yrs younger than him; plus she used to be in the army, and we know how horny those kind of ones are. The moment she saluted him, his friend saluted her back and the rest is history.

Iceprincess2

“So mami join my troop, now erry time she here my name she saLUTE!”

http://www.twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

” However, most men above the age of 40 have no defense against a woman 20 yrs younger than him”

Maybe this isn’t scientifical* fact, but, I find it to be true for me. Most the men who hit on me are in this age group. Skeletons, creepers, zombies, denture dwellers, or whatever you want to call them. Ew

*channeled my inner Palin

http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

Word about the mistress being prettier than the wife. Maybe the first sign the wife had was when the general started rapping Jay-Z’s verse in “Upgrade You” in the shower. LOL

Remember a while back when it came out that Schwarzenegger had cheated on his wife with his fugly housekeeper? I said something to the effect is those were the last two women on earth, I would envy the dead. Now with Ms. Broadwell, I wouldn’t say that. She might not have the prettiest face, but she’s in elite physical condition and bright. In my experience, smart women who aren’t in poor mental health are either good in bed or can get up to speed in what needs to be done in a hurry. If the choice was between her and Mrs. Petraeus, there would be many triathlons run outside…and indoors. ;)

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“Usually the mistress is uglier than the wife”

Hmm. I wouldn’t say that. The only thing that’s always true in these situations is access and proximity.

T.Q. Fuego

+1 Champ- Proximity/convenience and the way she makes them (ie their ego) feel are the only consistents I see

Wit and Wizdom

Beautiful women don’t appeal to men’s ego, like ugly women do. That is why the mistress is usually less facially appealing. Also, the ugly one knows her place and is more likely to accept her position as 2nd. When she’s more beautiful, she’s more likely to snitch because she thinks she can move up a spot.

T.Q. Fuego

“Beautiful women donâ€™t appeal to menâ€™s ego,”

I’m gonna have to respectfully disagree with this generalization. If anything they just don’t work as hard to stroke it because they’re used to their beauty alone being enough. Half the time they don’t know how because they have no experience. But if a beautfiul chick admired u and/or found you really attractive she would certainly be willing to do some ego stroking. But just the beauty of the woman itself appeals to men’s ego, so I don’t agree.

Wit and Wizdom

Yes, but how long does it take for you to get over how beautiful a woman is? A beautiful woman is like an Iphone: you just haven’t seen the better looking model yet. However, the ugly woman is the gift that keeps on giving, that is, if she accepts she is ugly. There is nothing worse than the ugly woman who thinks she’s beautiful. A goat is more pleasant.

Britico Chick

I so disagree. men are visually stimulated. it is easier work for the beautiful woman to get in there and as JTG has said, it is all about ego stroking. everyone wants to feel special – like they are the best thing in the world. if you are now writing the biography that is the first major step in stroking that ego – besides other things!

Wit and Wizdom

Yes, but women age like cars, not like wine. As they grow older, another younger one comes up and is more stimulating. Beauty is a depreciating asset, but it is very convenient and can cover up for other things that are lacking as long as there is no competition from the younger gazelles on the horizon.

Ugly women have it harder, and are driven by necessity, once they accept their ugliness, to develop other things outside of beauty. These are the things needed to keep a man around.

Beauty, just draws a man in, until the younger, prettier girl comes around, and when you’re in a relationship, they always seem to do so. Similar to the dog that will let the Robber take everything out of the house as long as he is given a fresh piece of steak to munch on while the burglary is taking place.

T.Q. Fuego

I see your point, but trust me. The wildcard that you’re conveniently leaving off is that beauty represents the unattainable and that’s all kinds of valuable to an ego. Plus you’re assuming that beautiful women never bring anything else to the table or that they don’t compliment, ego stroke, and do awesome things in the bedroom. They do. Just not for everyone…which makes it THAT much better. But if your point is that beauty is optional when a man’s choosing a mistress, I would definitely agree with that. It’s certainly a desirable bonus though…

demondog06

show me a bad chick….and i’ll show you a dude tired of bangin her…
maybe about 2 dozen or so of my friends are all married. almost none of them married a chick you could call fine.. except for 1 frat brother all of em married unremarkable lookin women. another thing that i’ve noticed, a couple of my friends regularly cheat on the wives with gals that look like gargoyles..a fascinating phenomenon.

T.Q. Fuego

“Yes, but how long does it take for you to get over how beautiful a woman is? ”

You’d be surprised. Like you’d be GREATLY surprised. It never really gets old unless you’re in a relationship with her. Even then you get pleasant reminders that lead me to the conclusion that you never FULLY get over it. And to the IPhone metaphor. You’re talkin to someone that didn’t even think about getting the new IPhone. Didn’t help your argument much. Beauty is all relative and if she’s truly beautiful to a guy, there would be VERY few women he sees on a daily basis that would be on that level, and that right there is INVALUABLE. Trust me. I agree with what you said about ugly chicks though. Be beautiful on the inside or go become a scholar or something useful

Wit and Wizdom

Yes, but how many beautiful women don’t want to be in a relationship over a long period of time?

When we talk about beauty, we’re mostly talking about looks. To talk about inner beauty, is to complicate something that is very simple. It’s better to use a word like character or a good personality.

Of course, it’s better to have a good character and a good personality, but beauty tends to stunt the development of such things. Doesn’t mean it can’t happen, just means it’s less likely to happen compared to they’re ugly.

http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

~ beauty tends to stunt the development of such things

so does ugly. i have seen both sides. i take it you have not been a victim of ugly girl syndrome but it is real.

Wit and Wizdom

Oh no never that, but I did say that it has to be accepted. In our society, a woman who is not beautiful, is forced to consider herself an anomaly.

That sucks! But oh well, a broke man isn’t a man in this society either, so it kind of evens itself out and everyone is left happy.

I like this article. I said the same thing about his wife. I’m sorry…but I did. She does look a bit like Ben Franklin. *shrug*

I also agree that giving someone that kind of access to your life breeds closeness, which can turn to sex, which in some instances can also turn to love. (Don’t ask me how I know this…just take my word for it.) lol

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

as the saying goes, “following in foreign countries leads to forking”

http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

Remember men: If the leader of the CIA can’t hide an affair, neither can you

http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

Also, if an elite paratrooper and military intelligence officer with an Ivy League education, an accomplished background and a top-notch athlete can flip chickenhead because of some good D, you know your college dropout girl can do the same. Remember, this got on blast because she resorted to that ninja ish, talking about how Petraeus’ secretary was playa-hating on her man in an email so hardbody that the FBI got called in.

Now if someone with an elite life to lose is on that BS, imagine what regular a$$ women are going to do.

MSNY

This right here is the real crux of the whole sordid tale. Cheating isn’t worth it. Even she couldn’t keep it together for the sake of her own family.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“This right here is the real crux of the whole sordid tale. Cheating isnâ€™t worth it. Even she couldnâ€™t keep it together for the sake of her own family.”

cheating isn’t worth it. until it is

http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

karma is real.

A Woman’s Eyes

Wait a minute! Wasn’t there a 2nd mistress? And the 2nd mistress is who put the affair on blast?

http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

Here’s the deal I understand. Ms. Broadwell was sending threatening emails to this woman who then turned it over to the FBI. She didn’t mention anything about any sort of affair. It wasn’t until the FBI got to Ms. Broadwell’s email that ish got real.

A Woman’s Eyes

Ohhhhhhh She probably went home and went “SHITSHITSHITSHITFUCK!” because mistress looks like she does not ever want to let go of Petreus.

http://stanoffewwords@wordpress.com Tristan

I’m sure he was better in his prime, he got old and lost a step it’s like Jordan on the Wizards

DreadedSouth

That’s what most women would want you to think but him being the head of the CIA actually makes it harder to get away with an affair. No one cares who pookie from 23rd ave is uffking.

http://dashwilliams.me/ Dash

He actually did a good job hiding an affair. If he had better jump-off selection he’d have never gotten caught. This affair required a simple drop-step and baby hook, but General Petraeus used a turn-around fade-away jumper in the post instead.

The lesson to be learned from Petraeus is that mistresses must be raised properly, and that mistresses, like T.I fans must respect “the no paper-trail rule”.

No emails. No text messages. No intervening on my behalf at work etc.

Only use no-contract cell phones for communication and set up specific time to make phone calls. Better yet use carrier pigeons.

Sboogietime

Once again Champ…you’ve done it again. Excellent article and right on point…

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

thanks and shit

http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

I thought that it was as simple as deciding not to cheat. It is decidedly not so.

Personally, in my relationship it’s Tarzan, females, “other” to my eyes, but that doesn’t mean that the “other” doesn’t take note of me and make me feel flattered. The moment I notice that I’m enjoying that attention too much I stop and think “Would this “other” be there shooting with me in the gym? Does this “other” have any Pete Rock in their musical portfolio? Most important though, does the prospect of this “other” surpass the reality (the now) of me and mines, or could it ever surpass the future prospect of my “us?” The answer is unequivocally no every time. He just does it for me like nobody else could. *shrugs*

On his end, I can’t really say, cause I don’t know his thought process, but I do know that when presented with options he thinks it over and keeps picking me. And that’s enough to make me happy.

You gotta work at it though, the not cheating (emotionally, physically, spiritually, physiologically, etc.) or entertaining the idea. You just gotta know who you have is for you and rock with that.

I feel like I’m rambling. So I’mma stop here…. Yeah.

http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com weethomas

You say that now. . .

http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

I do, cause now is all I have and know. Now and then. And personally, now > then.

chameleonic

see, this is how come i legitimately inform men against a relationship with me. because even though when im in relationships i truly feel nothing towards other men but that was before. now i think i may weigh him vs him and if i feel like another man is closer to fufilling me than ill say goodbye to you. i truly am heartless but thats also why im so picky prior to relationships. feeling truly fufilled off jump means im loyal to you. its the feeling and its only you that can make me feel it so theres no reason to acknowledge something lesser than the man i have.

http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

I’m all about the golden rule: I don’t want to be treated a certain way, so I don’t treat people that way.

As for weighing options, that’s normal, rational, logical, alladat. Everybody’s different though, and I’m just not one to jump ship without doing everything I can in my current situation, other options be damned. *shrugs*

chameleonic

im not sure how i am. i dont think i have a high tolerance for a man who isnt making me feel what i need to feel. i dont think im the kind of person who fights for a relationship. if it isnt working out it isnt working out.

in a marraige though? jump ship? get outta here. if im your wife youre stuck with me. there will be no wanderlust or options theres only you and ‘i had to get rid of this pesky dude, honey, but i DID like…..about him.’

http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

That’s normal. You’re not married to anybody now, so nobody is going to get “wife” you until you’re “wifed” and “wifed” you has some features that “girlfriend” you doesn’t have. That’s how it’s supposed to be, I think.

Me? I don’t know how to be anything else than all of me at one time. So yeah -_- there’s that.

http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“i dont think im the kind of person who fights for a relationship. if it isnt working out it isnt working out.’

this isn’t a bad thing

A Woman’s Eyes

I’m all about the golden rule too and I’m polyamorous, so…. *drops mike and walks off*

http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

<3
Golden rule for the win…

http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

I’m all about the golden rule: I don’t want to be treated a certain way, so I don’t treat people that way.

As for weighing options, that’s normal, rational, logical, alladat. Everybody’s different though, and I’m just not one to jump ship without doing everything I can in my current situation, other options be damned. *shrugs*