WASHINGTON, DC --Students who take part in sexual abstinence programs are just as likely to have sex as those who don't, according to a study ordered, but ignored, by Congress. In addition, they start having sex at the same age and have the same number of sexual partners as students who skipped the class to go make out behind the bleachers.

"I am confident that we will eventually be able to spin the statistics to show that the programs work," said White House press secretary Tony Snow. "The President believes in the system; we're sticking with it. It would be foolish to change the program midstream."

The federal government now spends about $176 million annually on abstinence-until-marriage education. Critics have repeatedly said they don't believe the programs are working, and the study will give them reinforcement.

"You have seen this administration, right?" continued Mr. Snow, "If there is one thing that we are open to, it's criticism. We are proud and delighted to hear dissenting views as we escort you to the door. Heck, we're even polite enough to make sure that it doesn't hit you on the ass on the way out. We're 'people' people."

"They even gave me this for my wedding night."

Bush administration officials cautioned against drawing sweeping conclusions from the study. They said the four programs reviewed, among several hundred across the nation, were some of the very first established after Congress overhauled the nation's welfare laws in 1996.

"Faith-based testing reveals that the programs that have not yet been tested empirically are working fine. Abstinence-centric programs are like magic; the less we know about them, the better they work." countered Mr. Snow.

Officials said one lesson they learned from the study is that the abstinence message must be constantly reinforced in subsequent years to truly affect the behavior of horny teens.

"We have to shelter students throughout their formative years. Up to the point that they get married and settle down to an unplanned pregnancy, school sex-ed class has to be the proverbial 'condom'; protecting their porous minds from the horrible disease of knowledge. School is not a place for learning." said Harry Wilson, the commissioner of the Family and Youth Services Bureau at the Administration for Children and Families. "The less that they know about fucking, the better."

"I'm thankful that our President has the fortitude to stand up to the heathen liberal fornicators who want to force me to know how my body works," says Wendy Pillman, a graduate of one of the abstinence-only sex-ed programs. "I'm saving myself for marriage. That way my husband and myself, within the protection of wedlock, can discover the shame of fucking for ourselves."

"When the time comes, God willing," she continued, glowing with emotion and rubbing her stomach, "He'll rub his belly on mine and nine months later the stork will bring us a lovely baby. That's how it's supposed to be."

"Comprehensive sexual-education just leads to people knowing what they're doing, and what the potential 'reality-based' consequences of fornication are," continued Mr. Snow, taking back the microphone after Wendy's water broke. "Abstinence-based sex education simply takes the 'sex' out of 'sex education', as God intended. This way, when the time comes, it's clumsy, uncomfortable and shameful, just as He planned. Plus with all the money they save on condoms and the birth-control pill, they will have plenty left over to raise their unexpected bundle of joy."

Congress is mulling over whether or not to support the President's planned 'funding surge'. The one-time funding influx is expected to help win the war on sex by focusing on appealing to boys' lack of maturity and making girls feel really bad about their bodies. Details are cloudy, but it is rumored that the programs will shift from their current gender-specific catchphrases of 'Got cooties?' for boys and 'Just say 'No' to cock!' for girls to 'Sex is teh ghey' and 'You're fat and stupid and ugly and nobody likes you!', respectively.

"We're sticking to our guns," quips the President, "so that our children don't stick to each other."