The Conclusion to the Bed Sheet Wanker

“Ass, you sneaky bugger,” you say, pointing. “You said you were stargazing, but there aren’t even any stars out tonight! It’s too cloudy!”

“Fuck,” says Ass. He shrugs and kicks at the floor. “To be fair though, sir/madam, it wasn’t actually me. You think I can make that much jizz?”

“So who was it?” You’re about three seconds away from impaling this punk on a spit.

Ass giggles, stifling a smirk. “It wasn’t me. It was Apollo.”

“Apollo? The horse? You brought my horse in here and wanked him off on my fucking bed?”

Ass holds up his hands. “Chill bro, it was just a prank! Chill. Stop getting so fuckin’ aggro.” He pulls out his vape and takes a drag. “Can I like, clock out now?” he whines. “I’ve gotta squad up with the boys for some Fortnite.”

Founded in 1925, Critic is the student magazine of the Otago University Students' Association.

Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington.