Inspired by Derrik’s recent pilgrimage to Richmond’s GWARbar (Pour a little out for Oderus Urungus. Rest in power, Dave Brockie!), the Swarm of Eyes guys had the brilliant idea to totally rip off the concept open an eatery of their own.

They considered it.

But then they lost the motivation to do so — especially since they’re going to be too busy playing a series of three gigs on their Octoburnt Tour and are preparing to record a brand new EP in November.

Before reality (and apathy) set in, the Eyes guys put together a menu of potentially palatable entrees, appetizers, and deserts, named after songs on their debut album, Designing the Dystopia, (that you can buy here!) . Take a peek at what could have been and just be grateful these guys are sticking to playing music. Bon appetite!

Amazeballz Appetizerz (with a “z”)

Punish the Artichoke Dipper

Behold a golden brown baked bread bowl fashioned into the shape of a bull and crammed with creamy spinach and artichoke dip. So good you’ll bellow for more!

Soup of My Last Salvation

Sometimes, there’s nothing more comforting than a bowl of soup. Let our seasonal selection of soups be the salvation for your dark, doomy, metal soul.

Nothing More I Can Eat: All-You-Can-Eat Options

Endless Ashes Smokey BBQ Spare Ribs

Journey to the Endless End of the Salad Bar

Stick to your diet with an endless array delectable of salad fixin’s. Except for celery. Celery is bullshit. And so is bleu cheese.

Til Death for Gravy Pasta Bar

Some people think gravy is brown. But if you’re a Swarm of Eye-talian, you know that “gravy” means a rich tomato sauce that perfectly clings to your pasta. Choose from Metal Marinara, Bad Ass Bolognese, or Ass-Kicking Alfredo sauces over your favorite variety of pasta. Load it onto your plate and go back for seconds or thirds!

Served with your choice Swarm of Fries: curly fries, steak fries, shoestring fries, waffle fries, or crinkle-cut fries. Make it a real swarm of fries and just ask for us to put all the types of fries on your plate while you shovel this beastly burger into your gaping maw.

Humanemic Halibut

Caught fresh from the shores of New England, this flaky fish is served with a light, buttery dill sauce with sides of roasted potatoes and asparagus. It’s delicious. And brutal. Really brutal. We can’t stress that enough.

The Day the Chef Went Mad

Even we don’t know what the hell this is! Could it be Veal Marsala? Paella? Chicken Florentine? Meatloaf? Ask your server what our chef decided to throw together and take your chances on whether or not you want to eat it.

Tell Your Gob to Ready for More… Desert!

Warscone

An onslaught of a desert, this dense, buttery pastry is packed with blood-red raspberries and sprinkled with sugar — like the sweet, sweet spoils of war. We recommend pairing this with teas from our Warm of Eyes collection, featuring Metal Mint, Cataclysmic Chamomile. and Earl Grim black tea.

Enter the Circle Chocolate Lava Cake

Enter the circle. It’s made of chocolate and filled with even more chocolate — a deep, dark chocolate truffle filling that’s still warm. A beatdown for your belly, we suggest enjoying this culinary metal masterpiece with coffee from our Warm of Eyes assortment, featuring Humanemic Hazelnut (Yes. We know we’ve used “Humanemic” for our halibut. But it’s our record label, too. Deal with it.), Irish Irecreamable, and Shadows at Dusk Dark Roast.

Disappointed Swarm of Fries will not be sucking up space in a strip mall near you? Buck up, cupcake! The boys are cooking up a mess of tasty tracks for you to enjoy in 2016 (or sooner!) and will be serving up metal with a side of thrash and doom at an East Coast venue near you this October. Stay tuned for more!