I am told there are some of you out there under the impression that my columns are actually written by an orangutan. Not true. There are some things even an orangutan won’t do.

Actually, I spend hours each week analyzing voluminous files of information, trying to glean a few nuggets of heretofore unknown facts and figures that you can share with your knitting club or at your weekly salsa lessons. (“Did you know that eating broccoli will turn your toes green? I know that for a fact because I read it in Dick Yarbrough’s column this week.”) Get an orangutan to do that.

And, of course, there are the observations from my legion of fans too good not to share with you, like, “You are a jerk, knee jerk, snail poop, bucket head,” or, “Just because you can write that column doesn’t mean you should.” I appreciate such constructive criticism, knowing it is intended to make me a better human being. An orangutan would stick a pomegranate up their nose.

I also get a lot of news releases from public relations firms from around the country, hoping to get a plug for their client or company in the paper. For example, I have been informed that there is a new “pee pad” made of grass for house-training your puppy. That is a much better alternative than the reader who wrote to inform me she put my column down on the floor, face-up, for her puppy’s target practice.

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