Monday, October 8, 2012

DATING AFTER DIVORCE

So as some of you may have read in my intro this blog is about my life, all things fun, interesting, wild, crazy etc. In my intro I mentioned I was divorced, so I guess there's no time like the present to get into this story...Strap in we're going on the divorce journey....In 2001 I met the love of my life, I was a young teenage girl who was head over heels with some boy. We grew together, we complimented each other, we were good for each other. We dated for 5 years before we got married. I knew we were soul mates. He purposed to me 5 months after we had started dating, we were young and wanted that time to get to know one another, feel each other out etc so after that we decided we had been together long enough and it was time to take that next step. He had been with me through so much, he and I had a son who died, he was there for me through the death of my mother 3 years after our son had passed, he was a huge and major part of my life. He joined the military in early 2007 and we were married that same year in May. He moved me to Sunny Southern California in the end of that same year. (CONFESSION: I knew deep in my heart I was meant to be in Cali as a young child. I always knew I would be here, but never knew how, when, and why I would be here. I'm just so grateful that it happened the way it needed to and I am thankful, and happy to be able to be living here) He then left on a 5 month deployment. I was brand new to California, I didn't know a soul and now the only person I did know was leaving me again? We only spent a few days together from the time he joined the military, to the time we moved to Cali and in less than a month he would be off on a 5 month deployment? WOW whats a girl to do?I should probably back up a little and say that I was a different person after my mother had died. She was my best friend, my hero, my everything and she was gone. She was gone in the blink of an eye at the age of 47. It was the worse time of my life and I have never been the same since. I suffered from a deep deep deep dark depression. I was hurt, I didn't know how to come out of that. I was devastated I sheltered myself and made my husband my god. He became my everything, he became who I engrossed myself in. I didn't want to lose anyone else and I couldn't handle it. So I called myself trying to do everything I could so that he wouldn't leave me or tun his back on me. Well a lot of good that did me. Long story short once he returned from deployment he was different too, he had changed. I didn't feel him like I used to, I didn't feel our energy that was once so strong, it was beginning to fade and I didn't understand why. I then found a message that had been sent to him by someone else. Yep....the thing among other things that he promised to never do....he had did. I felt like a fool, I felt so stupid, how could he do this to me, I had barely been his wife a year and out of that year we spent 2 months together..barely, I had been his girl, his woman, the mother of his child, his lover, his friend and he betrayed me in the worse possible way. I felt like I meant absolutely NOTHING to this man. After finding out about his affair, he begged me not to leave, he begged me to stay and that we would work it out. "We've been through so much, I know we can get through this, I love you too much not to try, lets go to counseling. I'll set it up." He said, and I thought long and hard and I decided to try, try to salvage my marriage, my relationship, I took another chance. As, we sat in counseling week after week I felt like I was healing a lot from my past, and after that I could start healing from this incident, however it wasn't moving fast enough for him, so one day through a text message he sent me the words...and I quote "I can't do this anymore." and that was that.......the end of my 7-8 year relationship through a text message. My best friend, the love of my life, my knight and shining armor, the father of my child, my confidant, my husband, and my lover, left me through a text message. The years invested in our relationship, our friendship and our marriage all washed down the drain........After a long hard few years I can look back at that little girl who sat on her big red couch, from "their" former two bedroom apartment into her lonely one bed room apartment, curled up in a ball, staring out the window looking at the sky and crying, and crying, and crying and crying. Why God?, why did this happen to me?, why did I deserve this hurt and pain?, what do I do now?, you took my son, 3 years later you took my mother, and 3 years after that you take my husband? "JUST TAKE ME" I shouted, JUST TAKE ME....why keep me here to deal with this crap. Yea that girl..I can honestly look back and still cry but for a completely different reason. I cry because I can still see that girl, but I also see that woman she has become and how far she has come. This break-up and this tragedy did not kill her. Me, I'm not dead because the man that was the love of my life then....decided to leave me for another woman. I am not dead and my heart has been mended back together! I can breathe again, I can smile again, I can laugh again, I can move on. It hasn't been easy living here in So Cal, dealing with this divorce and now continuing to picking up the pieces of my life. Short of being born a baby again I have had to start my life completely over. Shattered broken heart and all I had to move on. I never received closer, I never received anything short of that text message, so with all of that I still had to move on and move forward. I still struggle everyday picking up the pieces of my life. Not my heart anymore but my life. I feel like I am finally in the position where I can say I think I am ready for a relationship, I'm not a man hater, I am ready to love, and be loved. I haven't been in the dating scene in a LONG WHILE and now I am officially ready, I can do this and I am ready and willing to do this....soooooDATING WORLD GET READY FOR ME!!!!SS <3

Amiga reading this took me back to that place I remember it all to clearly THE NIGHTMARE... Though I wasn't going thru it I felt your pain but nothing close to what the pain you were feeling. I am proud of all you have accomplished since then and i admire the strength you have. I know the man you deserve is in your near future I can't wait to meet him and see that big smile on your face!

Oh my friend, thanks for being honest & open about this new woman you have become. The rough edges in life have caused new birth-life full of purpose. I am happy to call you friend, but more than anything, I grateful we re-connected! So much love & respect for you always

Reading all of your comments brought tears to my eyes. I thank you all for your understanding and support. It means a lot to me. It was a rough time in my life, one I thought I would never ever make it through but as Latina_Sweetie said we are stronger than we usually think we are. I definitely was a LOT stronger than I thought I was. Thanks again beautiful people <3

I've already known most of this story and over the years I've seen the strong and courageous woman that you have turned into today. Also, in knowing that you are ready to date again I know full well that ANY man should be and will be happy to call you his woman.

I remember all that girl. I remember encouraging you and praying for you to become the woman that you are today. I am so proud of you and how you've made it through the storm :) God is still moulding & shaping you and now you are at the point to "let go & let God".

You are an amazing woman and I know, when the RIGHT man comes to find you, he's going to find a GOOD THING!!! :) Love you sista.

About Me

My blog was created to invite you on the soulful lyrical journey of my life and the funny, interesting and true things that come along with it. Confessions of a Songstress can be anything from cooking to my interesting dating life (or lack there of lol). We will have daily confessions and talks and you can always feel free to bring your questions or comments and I will do my best to answer them. I look forward to a lot of awesome times on this journey with you. So sit back, kick up your feet and relax as you enter into Confessions of a Songstress. SS <3