A Christian wife exploring radical submission

Menu

Right now, I feel like my submissive mindset is in a state of “ebb.” It’s not my desire to be submissive. That’s still there as much as ever. I don’t think it’s my submissive-ness. As far as I can tell, I’ve been just as obedient.

It’s that submissive “high.” Or maybe it’s more of a “low.” That feeling of voluntarily lowering myself beneath Master. Knowing that my place is at His feet.

I think all the stress of our life right now must be a contributing factor. Master has the weight of the world on His shoulders. My instinct is to sync myself with Him, but I know it’s not helpful for us both to stressed.

So I emotionally separate myself. And that’s fine. . . I know how to be my own distinct person. That doesn’t mean it feels right though. Being His submissive, His slave, resonates so deeply inside me. We’re supposed to be in sync.

It feels like constantly having to be on guard. I can’t just relax into Him– not completely. Master is human afterall, with human limitations. Just a reminder that my identity and who I am cannot be defined by my relationship or my slavehood. Only God can be that anchor point.

I know this is just temporary. High tide and low tide come twice a day. We’ll settle deep into our respective Dominance and submission once again.

Until the tide turns, I’ll consciously cling to my submission until it once again feel as natural as breathing.

Thanks to spending most of last night and today sick in bed, I had a chance to read the Tarnsman of Gor book I found at a used bookstore yesterday. In case you’re not familiar with this book, here’s the synopsis.

Tarl Cabot has always believed himself to be a citizen of Earth. He has no inkling that his destiny is far greater than the small planet he has inhabited for the first twenty-odd years of his life. One frosty winter night in the New England woods, he finds himself transported to the planet of Gor, also known as Counter-Earth, where everything is dramatically different from anything he has ever experienced. It emerges that Tarl is to be trained as a Tarnsman, one of the most honored positions in the rigid, caste-bound Gorean society. He is disciplined by the best teachers and warriors that Gor has to offer…but to what end?

This is the first book of John Norman’s popular and controversial Gorean Saga, a series of novels the author began in 1967 with Tarnsman of Gor and are now considered cult classics.

Now, if you’re looking for profound literature, keep on going. You won’t find it here.

That being said, I thought it was a fairly decent read. I knew going into it that it wouldn’t be a masterpiece.

It was much different than I assumed based on the Erotica>BDSM and Horror>Dark Fantasy classifications I’ve seen online. If those were accurate, I don’t think I could have made it though to the end! I guess if you’re throughly vanilla, the idea of a culture where pleasure slaves even exist would be pretty shocking, but (spoiler alert) anyone that fantasizes about sexual dominance will find it extremely tame.

It is a very male dominated society. There are only two female characters who are discussed in any detail in this book. Neither of them are ever pleasure slaves, and they both end the book as “Free Companions” (married, basically).

There are a couple of scenes where Talena, the main female character, offers her submission; she even begs for a branding. You might find that intriguing– until you realize it’s all a farce to gain the upper hand. I was surprised given the reputation of this series.

Now, I’m a big sci-fi nerd. As an adventure story set in an undiscovered planet with giant, semi-tamed animals and a group of rulers who may or may not be gods and shape the course of world events, that also has themes of D/s, I could definitely appreciate it. As a guidebook for a power exchange lifestyle, not so much. But I hear that author, John Norman, delves into that more in subsequent books. We’ll see.

I love the self improvement aspect of power exchange. Most of Master’s tasks are centered around maintaining healthy habits. And for the most part, they’ve been surprisingly easy to implement. Yay! I almost thought I must be an abnormally well behaved submissive. (Almost. Haha!) The craziness of this past week, has pointed out that I have farther to go than I thought.

I had an extra project to do for my business. Obviously, I should have started it sooner. The housekeeping and laundry was backing up. I was forgetting to drink my water. That led to my first “real” swat, actually.

It was a lot less notable then I would have thought, to be honest. In any case, His consistency and the accountability He was giving me kept me grounded when I was feeling a bit frantic.

Now that I’m aware of my room for growth, I guess we’ll see how I course correct in the future.

Last night was less than ideal. Master is off of work today, so last night we made a last minute decision to visit our brand new baby nephew a few hours away. We had to wait until Master got off of work, and we didn’t leave until 9:00 pm.

The kids slept in the car, but it still took a while to get them settled again when we reached our destination. The older one was on the floor, and the younger one shared our bed. We don’t normally co-sleep, so this wasn’t the most comfortable arrangement.

Not it long after the little one finally went to sleep, the other child started a series of throwing up that lasted the rest of the night.

Obviously our nightly reconnect to each other and our M/s dynamic was taking a backseat. Master, wonderful man that He is, still managed to acknowledge it in all the craziness.

After the toddler woke up again simply because I rolled over to go to sleep, He whispered in my ear, “You’re still mine.” Melt!

When I snuggled into Him between vomit episodes, He rested His hand, not across my waist, or even my breast, but around my throat. He’d never done that before!

Submissive Guide had a new post in the A Day in the Life series this past week. It inspired me to take a snapshot of what my submission looks like right now. As it is ever evolving, it will be interesting to look back at this as time goes on!

Assuming our kids (who still aren’t sleeping through the night) cooperate, my day starts at 6:00 am. We practice the Fertility Awareness Method for our birth control, so I have to take my temperature every morning when I wake up– my first task from Master. That also means that I check my cervical fluid throughout the day and maintain a chart on my phone.

Then I try to get a little more sleep, but soon Master needs to get ready for work, so I try to greet him with “Good Morning, Master,” to start off our day.

My alarm goes off again at 7:00. This time for my yoga workout– my second task of the day.

Hopefully the kids are still asleep when my workout is done. If they are, I’ll have my daily prayer and Bible study time.

Whenever they do wake up, I fix them breakfast. Then we’ll get ready for the day. Another one of my tasks is to lotion up every day, so I’ll do that before getting dressed.

From there I’ll probably get started on chores– straightening the bedroom or starting some laundry, maybe. I like to listen to podcasts while I work. Erotic Awakening is one of my favorites.

At some point in the morning, I’ll try to do a little schoolwork with our preschooler– unfortunately, the task I’m least consistent on currently.

When 11:00 or 12:00 rolls around, I’ll fix some lunch for me and the kiddos. I might text Master that I love and miss Him. I should also be about half way through with my eight glasses of water for the day– another of my tasks.

The little one tends to be ready for a nap at this point. When she’s tired, she’ll take me by the hand to her bedroom and I’ll nurse her to sleep. I’ll catch up on my favorite blogs and maybe do a little online collar shopping as she’s drifting off.

She normally takes a pretty good nap, so I can finish up whatever chores I had started, and maybe do a little work for my direct sales business. Depending on the time, I might do a little journaling as well.

Soon it will be dinner time. Sometimes I’ll cook, or sometimes my mother-in-law will. In any case, hopefully Master will be home from work in time to join us.

After dinner it’s mostly family time. We might pull up some Star Trek on Netflix, and Master usually asks for a massage. Otherwise, I’ll sit at His feet watching the show and probably playing on my phone too. If I’m lucky, the living room will empty for a minute or two and He’ll pet my head! (It’s not a big part of my personality, but I do feel a bit like a kitty from time to time.)

About 8:00 or so, we’ll start getting the girls ready for bed. I’ll nurse the littlest one to sleep and Master will read a bedtime story.

After that, we’ll usually retreat to our bedroom. After Master asks for another massage (He sure does love His massages!), we start spooning under the covers. Spooning tends to lead to forking, but eventually we’ll settle back into spooning. I’ll turn off the light and end the day with, “Good night, Master.”