My Best Friend, Cyndi

I don't know if others can relate to what I've been going through lately.

My best friend, Cyndi, passed away suddenly on Thursday afternoon. She and I were introduced by a mutual friend about five years ago and had been close ever since.

Cyndi was an alcoholic. When I first met her, she had just come off of a year of sobriety (mainly because her liver was so bad that it frightened her into quitting). She and her husband had a cute cabin in the mountains for a while and my husband and I would visit them there. We had lots of good times. I would have some beer or wine at that time (now I have had a duragesic patch so don't drink) I've never had the urge to begin drinking in the morning or drink until there was nothing else available to drink.

Cyndi had a major hernia operation two years ago this April and had to "get in shape" for it. She stayed sober for 14 months. She took me to doctors appointments and we would go out to lunch. She was so much fun to be around then and she looked so much better when she wasn't drinking and was much happier. Her beloved dog died last year and that seemed to tip her over the edge and unfortunately her husband drank along with her.

I knew she hurt a great deal. I think the alcohol was an attempt to numb the pain. I had no idea how very ill she was and how often and how much she was imbibing. There would be times we wouldn't get together for a couple of weeks because one or the other of us was not up to it.

She called me a few hours before she died last Thursday and said that she "feared for her life" because she had just heard that they were going to build a big development across from her. She was afraid of how much it might affect her breathing (she had asthma all of her life). Her husband got home at 4:00 and she was gone within an hour.

I am very sad and will miss her so much. I'm kind of a recluse lately, but always knew that I could drop in on her. I have been thinking about her a lot and will miss her heart as big as the world and that she never judged me. I like to think I never judged her. I felt helpless about her drinking. She would never consider talking to anyone or going to a support group.

I have no doubt that she is happy now (not hurting and happy to be reunited with many family members). It seems premature though as she just turned 54 on February 29. She and I used to kid about both being Pisces and too sensitive for this world!

I've known a few others who burned themselves out early and it is so sad for those who love them and miss them when they are gone. This last year has been a tough one for me as my two younger daughters threw me away, so I didn't have as much to give as I might have to support Cyndi. This old world can be a tough place to hang out in at times.

I am thankful that we have each other's support here. A kind word here and there can be so important.
Valerie (meaning 'strong')

About your friend's sudden passing. I will include her (and you) in my thoughts and prayers. My sympathies are with you, Valerie, and I hope you have family and friends to get you through this difficult time.

We ourselves (me and hubby) are likely going to services this weekend for hubby's boss's wife, who passed last week from a freak fall off a golf cart/severe head injury. I think she was just a few years older than your friend. It is so hard when people we love are taken from us at a young age, and especially without warning. My heart goes out to you in this time of pain.

I am so sorry for your loss. I really can identify with your letter. Ive had fibro since middle school. I had a friend since 2nd grade, we grew up together and she saw me get sick, her dad was killed in a car accident and I went through that with her, she was my maid of honor, we were pregnant together and raising our kids together and had the same faith values.

She watched me grow up, knew my family and knew "what made me tick" and we witnessed how we got screwed up by our codependent families (we used to say laughingly about each other). She understood my sick times and didn't abandon me and I went through her rough patches and didn't abandon her. She was killed in a car accident 12 years ago. I still had a message from her on my answering machine when her mom called and told me about her death. Eight months later my husband was killed in a car accident and going through her funeral and helping decide how to deal with her kids prepared me for doing it with my own kids... so we went through that together, too, ultimately..

but your letter made me cry because I still miss her so much that is hurts. It is hard to make new friends and harder to make good friends, especially when you are "different" and have other things pulling on you, like illness or a special needs child. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her... I really feel bad to say that I miss her more than I miss my first husband. (but often lifelong friends are closer than spouses - I don't mean that in a bad way) I'm remarried now and have a baby with this husband, but nothing has ever filled the void of that old friendship.

I know she was a christian and is watching me from heaven, but I sure would have liked to have her with me at the playground earlier today so we could talk about our kids and our parents and our siblings.........It seems like every time I take my baby to the playground I roam around trying to meet other moms, but I have three much older kids and this surprise new baby and I think they think I am a "breeder" or something because they are all so young and all seem to know each other and I have been out of the mom thing for so many years (when they hit middle and high school they really are on their own). I guess I came home lonely and was thinking about Beth (she still is my best friend) and then I saw your post and it really is just so sad.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know yours is very different and special to you, but I really hurt for you. I hope the empty place inside of you gets filled up again...Mine hasn't though even after all these years.

It means a lot to know that others understand by having gone through similar experiences. I think it is hard to find people we have things in common with and feel comfortable with. There is a saying that a good friend is someone you may not see for years and can just pick up a conversation with as if it was yesterday.

I stopped at Cyndi's house today and dropped off a card and some potato soup I'd made for her husband. It felt very strange and deserted. I know her kitties are wondering when she will be home. (Ken went back to work already) I knew it would be difficult, but I also know that Cyndi would have done anything she could for my husband if the situation were reversed. They had been married for 36 years so it will take a long time for him to recover from her loss.

I've heard that alcoholics and drug abusers are people who "want to go home." Others tell me that God finds people that are "right for the chosing to come home to him". Some people think we have lessons that have to be learned in this life and that we come back again and again until we get it right. If God is a 'reader-of-hearts', he knows our intentions. I've always had an innate belief that we will have another existence. There are a lot of opinions as to the details, but I don't think it really matters.

I don't know if my daughter (who lives in town) will recognize the obituary in the paper. I hope so. It would be a good reminder that any of us can leave this earth at any time.

The both of you shared a beautiful friendship and that is so rare to find.

I am now 36 yrs old and I can honestly say I have never had a best friend that I could share secrets with or just call up and talk. I let this get me down for years but now I just focus on my family whom are the best thing that ever happened to me.

This brought tears to my eyes and I am sorry but it will get better with time. She will always be with you!