Goopy Paltrow tells The Guardian (via Jezebel) that even though she’s a natural-born British lass with a natural-born British accent, her ears curl closed when she hears a Brit saying the word “pasta.” If Goopy ever hears one of her children say the word “pasta” the British way, she’ll wash their tongues out with $500-a-bar soap made from a rare kind of wax only found in special bees who exclusively eat Mānuka honey. That’ll teach them how to say paaaaaah-sta.

“I’ve lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce pasta as pass-ta instead of pah-sta. I’m sort of joking when I say this but I really don’t want my children speaking that way.”

I totally get what Goopy is saying. She pronounces Gwyneth as “the most perfect person in the world” and the rest of us pronounce Gwyneth as “a total asshole.” Personally, I prefer the way all of us pronounce it. I’m sort of not joking when I say that.

And that wasn’t the only gem that fell out of Goopy’s talk hole:

“I hung out with Leonardo DiCaprio when I moved to New York. He was vegetarian and he’d talk about how dirty meat is and how bad factory farming is. I haven’t eaten red meat in 20 years and although Leo’s not totally responsible he definitely planted a seed. When I turned seriously macrobiotic, it coincided with my father having been diagnosed with cancer [in 1999]. I felt I could heal him by proxy.”

“Eating while filming a scene is the worst thing, because you have to keep eating the same thing all day long. You’ll notice that most films with food the actors aren’t actually eating, but I try consciously to eat to make it real, but most of the time I’ll spit it out to avoid feeling sick. I’m sure there must have been eating scenes, especially playing a 330lb character in Shallow Hal, but I don’t remember that film well to be honest.”

So Goopy will only put her mouth on cow meat if Jamie Oliver asks, Leonardo DiCaprio once planted a seed in her and of course she remembers nothing about the movie where she played a fat chick. And now we know that the best way to keep the Goop away is to wave a raw red steak or a copy of Shallow Hal at her. Thanks for the tip, Goopy!

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