Your wife was hot. I’d been dropping off eggs at your house for weeks now, however many I had in my pocket, and she just took them. It was bound to happen. And what’s the big deal, anyway? Your kids love me! But you really have got to get them out of the basement more often, they look kind of pale. I’m almost positive one of them has gone blind from the lack of light. Jack, such a nice boy.

Look, what can I say? You were super nice during Christmas dinner. And at your mom’s house. And at my son’s birth, but I kept getting this weird vibe just because you got to be in the delivery room. You didn't like my name [recant] and wouldn't even let me hold him. But don’t worry, I sing him to sleep every night. That’s another thing, can you stop throwing me out? It’s really embarrassing. The cats have stopped respecting me. I can’t get a good place at the milk bowl and I really need that meal because I really need the nutrients because that’s the only time I eat because look man I’m eating your cats. I think you’re a bad pet owner; it’s been going on, I mean what did you think that Christmas sweater was made of? I left the faces on. And the smell, and the yowling, those things are not quiet. Sure, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, but they don’t like any of them.

Anyway, I think you should stop talking to me now. Your wife is watching and you've been looking in this mirror a long time.