Let’s say you are still angry and hurt around someone in your life. It can be very old or brand new pain. And, let’s say they are unwilling and have no interest in “working things out.” No problem. You don’t need the other person present or available at all in order to heal it. You have two main options: 1.) keep blaming them, hold a grudge, be resentful toward them, talk shit about them, and remain angry and hurt. Or, 2) you can learn how to heal this hurt without them, which is totally doable and liberating.

I’ve stumbled upon a gusher and I think there’s no end in sight. I want to eat my kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Their very smell, awakens the loving beast inside of me. Their soft naked bodies are irresistible. Their tender innocence awakens mine. I am very, very in love with them (surprise, surprise).

The more I am “in myself” the stronger the vibration of love and safety my kid’s experience. I am their tuning fork. When I get that I am their true bedrock, I see and feel the massive responsibility I have to own that, be that, and live that. To whatever degree I live that, is the degree to which they can rest into it.

When I am shut down, disconnected, dissociated, triggered, and emotionally unavailable, I’m an unstable homebase. The impact on them? They act like me! They get whiney, needy, helpless, emotionally distraught, angry, tantrumy, and messy. Or they get quiet, pull away, and become distant.

But to clarify, it’s not that we change to fit their expectations. Quite the contrary. That kind of change betrays who we are. We’re not acting “nice” on top of resentment to please “other.” We’re not conforming to their neurotic demands. Rather, we are using our own triggers, that we think are about the other person, and using them as jet fuel to get more aligned with our own deeper nature.