To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
873
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

> Oracle most wonderful,> Why is it that when I hit the Escape key on my computer keybooard,> I *don't* get transported to a world where Scheme is the programming> language of choice, my wrists don't hurt, I can get a date for> Saturday night, and eating chocolate cookie dough ice cream doesn't> make you fat?

} Actually, "ESC" doesn't stand for "escape." That's just a common} misconception. Here's how it came about.}} The first computer with a keyboard, the Dohrstop 2000 (named for its} inventor, Gerald Dohrstop), took its keyboard from an Olympia manual} typewriter. However, the operating system used on the Dohrstop} ("DOS," the Dohrstop Operating System) required that subtraction} operands be enclosed in brackets, which were not to be found on the} typewriter keyboard.}} However, there was a key just to the right of the "P"...on the} typewriter, it produced the fractions "1/2" or, when shifted,} "1/4." The Dohrstop character set didn't include either of these} fractions--they would have been unreadable at the small font size} necessitated by the tiny amount of video RAM (none, actually). And so} that key became the left bracket or, when shifted, the right bracket.}} It wasn't until two days later that a friend of Gerald Dohrstop's,} Todd Nurter, discovered the fatal flaw in the Dohrstop 2000: there} was no way to move the blinking square that showed the text insertion} point (this item would not be named until a few years later, when} Frank Cursor gave it its familiar name of "insertion point") to the} next line down. This had always been accomplished, on typewriters, by} moving the carriage that held the paper. Clearly this wouldn't work} on computers, which didn't have carriages. Nurter had a brainstorm:} a completely new key, never before seen on any sort of keyboard,} which would accomplish this feat. After a few trials and errors,} Nurter settled on a location for this key: just to the right of} the apostrophe/quotation mark key. Nurter also named this key after} himself, although in the form of an anagram. Nurter thought the Nurter} 740 would revolutionize computing--however, at first, the only people} who were really interested were typewriter manufacturers, who used} Nurter's "Return" key on a brand new kind of typewriter: the electric.}} The major problem with the Return key was that it stuck out awkwardly} on the right side of the keyboard. Clearly, something would have} to be done about it, and the person to do it was Deidre Leit, an} early female computing pioneer, who decided the Return key needed a} companion, a key which would move the insertion point to the left.} As Frank Nurter had done with his key, she named this key after} herself--her last name and first inital, actually. Gerald Dohrstop,} who was working on his Dohrstop 3000, paid her for the rights to use} the D. Leit key.}} Dohrstop purchased a new typewriter, intending to use its keyboard} for the Dohrstop 3000. He added the D. Leit key, but was then} short a key for the row between the Return key and the D. Leit key.} He went back to the brackets from the Dohrstop 3000, but this time,} added a new key to the right of his original bracket key. Now there} was one key for the left bracket, and another for the right bracket.} Meanwhile, however, the typewriter manufacturers had struck back} against the computer threat by adding another key--to the left of} the 1, they had added a key that produced the fraction "3/4" or,} when shifted, the symbol for "degrees." As with "1/2" and "1/4,"} neither of these would work correctly with Dohrstop's character set,} so he merely removed that key.}} Three days later, Wayne Macintosh began advertising his new "Macintosh} LC," which meant "Lotsa Characters." The main selling point was} that his keyboard was just like Dohrstop's, with the addition of} some special, curly brackets on the keys above the regular brackets.} These curly brackets were necessary to "brace" certain equations in} Macintosh's operating system.}} (Since this was the second time a computer made by Dohrstop had become} obsolete in just a few days after its introduction, he gave up the} computer business and turned his attention to the hardware industry;} not only is his name synonymous with computer equipment that becomes} obsolete quickly, he also gave his name to a very common piece of} hardware found in many homes around the world.)}} At any rate, this operating system didn't have a name until Macintosh} came out with the LC II, which introduced a new feature added to} the D. Leit key--it not only moved the insertion point to the left,} it erased the character that was in the way. Macintosh changed the} spelling of the key and began advertising his computer by asking} the question "What Interface Now Deletes Out Weird Spellings?"} His operating system became known by the initials of this question} that was on every American's lips for a time.}} But getting back to your original question...the original Macintosh} LC had the space at the upper left of the keyboard filled with what} looked like another key--but wasn't--that read "ESC," an acronym for} "Extended Set of Characters." It became common among Macintosh users} to, whenever a program quit working (since the first program with a} propensity to do this was a flight simulator, this became known as} a "crash"), to jab at the "ESC" and complain that, if it weren't for} the extended set of characters, the program would still be working.}} It took Frank Cursor, after returning to his hometown of Pittsfield,} Massachusetts, to finally make the "ESC" what it is today--on} his Pittsfield Cursor computer (or "PC"), in a subtle jab at the} Macintosh computer, he made the "ESC" an actual key that would let} users get out of a program whenever they wanted, before it crashed.} ("Which of course it won't," he assured PC buyers.)}} It wasn't long before the PC was outselling the Macintosh, a lead} it would never relinquish, despite gimmicks by Wayne Macintosh such} as prominently labeling one model the "Macintosh IIsi" (Immoral,} Indecent Stuff Inside) and including a live animal for the kids to play} with in each computer box (sometimes a gerbil, sometimes a hamster,} usually a mouse). Finally, in desperation, Macintosh made the "ESC"} on his keyboards into a real key, just as Cursor had done--but added} an "option" key, and required option and ESC to be used together} to quit a program, since the user would get a message giving him} or her the option of quitting the program or not at that point,} something he thought would give him an advantage over Cursor's PC.} It didn't, of course, and Macintosh sold the rights to his computers} to the Beatles' record company.}} The PC had turned many ordinary citizens into computer users, who} didn't remember the original Macintosh meaning of the "ESC," so they} just assumed it stood for "escape," since they could use it to escape} from whatever program was in progress.}} Now, aren't you glad you didn't ask about the "F" keys? (Oh, all} right. In brief, there was an early music program for the PC that} had a "jukebox" mode requiring the purchase of a keyboard add-on.} F1 played "Your Cheatin' Heart," F2 played "Good Vibrations," and} so on.)}} You owe the Oracle a keyboard with a Zot key.

> If a man boards a jet-black train at 4:30 am heading northward> down I-75with it's hovertrain components set on full force, traveling> 85 miles an hour 4 inches above the pavement, while another fat guy> boards a pink train painted with smiley faces heading east in a subway> tunnel with the radio turned to 92.8 FM with the volume 4 notches below> full blast and the fat guy farts, what is the meaning of the word> "foobartoochiehowscowblooptie"

} What was that? Sorry, I was just noticing that if you take the first} letters of the words in your question, it spells out}} "I am bajbtaftahndisfwihcsofftefmahfiatpwafgbaptpwsf-} heiastwtrttntpefmwtvfnbfbatfgfwitmotwf"}} With a name like that, you're clearly Welsh, and being Welsh, you} surely know that "foobartoochiehowscowblooptie" is Welsh for "hi".}} You owe the Oracle some chyfforddus esgidiau, like your cyfnither has.

> Oh great and wise Oracle, I bow before you and beseech you to answer> my query!>> I just heard today that they've discovered a small pond size area> of ice at the bottom of a large crater on the dark side of the moon> (really, no kidding). The assumption is that this ice (being at the> bottom of a very deep crater) is probably the remnants of a comet> that hit the moon.>> My questions, then - couldn't this water possibly be carrying some> sort of life form or element unbeknownst to us? Also, considering that> the predominant theory behind the 65 million year extinction cycle> of the Earth (most prominently, the dinosaur extinction) is based on> a comet or large meteor hitting the Earth, is it possible that this> particular comet was heading for us but smacked into the moon instead?> For the most part, fossil records show massive extinctions (and large> amounts of irridium, which is pretty common in space but not on Earth)> every 65 million years - but was that cycle ever skipped at some point?> Could this be the one that missed, basically?>> Lot's of questions, Oh Great One, but I know you can handle it. Help?

} Oh. Um. THAT. Err...}} Look here, chum, before you go off the handle over this, keep in mind} that this information was brought to you by the same people who brought} you the Myopic Hubble Space Telescope, the Space Shuttle with Hatches} that Frequently Go on the Fritz, the Mars Rock with Evidence of Real} Life on it (Questions people don't seem to be asking include: how} did they know this rock came from Mars in the first place? For all} they know, *I* might have planted it to get a rise out of the bozos} at NASA--not that I'd ever do such a thing, I'm far too busy being} amused by supplicant questions to pull such a juvenile prank, right?)}} My suggestion to you is to remain calm and turn your mind to other} questions, at least until humanity has colonized the moon and can} get a really up-close and personal look at the ice in question.}} You owe the Oracle a gold-plated toilet seat.}} : send} Sending...}} Man, that one was just too close for comfort... LISA!!!}} "Orrie, I've been waiting half an hour... the Cool Whip's} defrosting..."}} Lisa, did you leave the freezer open AGAIN?}} "Um... hang on... oh man, no wonder..."}} Jeez! I may be an omnipotent oracle, but I don't get paid enough} to use my freezer as an air conditioner for the known universe!} Close the door!}} "Orrieeeeee..."}} WHAT?!}} "All this Cool Whip's just going to waste..."}} Yow. Um, okeydokey.}}}} Hey, waitaminnit, I thought I sent this! Why are you still here?

} Who indeed? I have so many Incarnations these days, even I find it} hard to keep track sometimes. Let me look it up for you.}} % index keyboard operating system} FILE: Answer #Qa07069, LINE(S) CONTAINING INDEX WORD(S):} 4:keyboard with its own operating system.} FILE: Answer #Qa09078, LINE(S) CONTAINING INDEX WORD(S):} 11:complaining of a terrible ache, and we found a *whole keyboard* up} 49:into the operating theater, where they powered up the system for}} Hmmm... that first one looks more like what you're asking about. Let's} check the logs and see what it says.}} % cat Answer #Qa07069} Well, supplicant, since you're so lazy, I'll write that mystery story} for you. With me on the job, you're sure to get an 'A'!}} An R.H.O.D. Mystery} by the Writer formerly known as T. U. Oracle}} It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out. Ian Davis} screamed, "Not another cascade!!" Pirate ships, commanded by Admiral} Jota, appeared on the horizon. Steve Ford wrestled with a pig on a} keyboard with its own operating system.}} Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tom "Tom" Harrington was worried. "I} think some of my internal organs are shifting", Tom said} downheartedly. One of the Arizona-dwelling David Sewells slyly} changed his address. The inspector suspected Kinzler's brain. "That} thing has a mind of its own, you know", he said.}} Elsewhere, Ariel Scolnicov furtively lurked under a tree, waiting for} Zadoc and Lisa to come out of the restaurant together. Could this be} the scandal that brings down the Oracle? "I think that surgeon} forgot to put something back in", Tom said disheartenedly. Jaffo} fulfilled his mailbox fetish by putting a wig on the red flag.}} Suddenly, BOBW came up with something completely different. "And now} for something completely different", said BOBW. Zadoc (no, the other} Zadoc) hopped on one foot while pointing a finger of scorn at the} priests. "Betcha can't do this while soused!" he teased. "I think} that surgeon compressed my lungs while he was in there, too", Tom} said with short breath.}} Richard Wilson was upset. "I've misplaced my Latin dictinary!" he} cried. "No, wait, I found it," he said, while rummaging through} Eli's beard. The mysterious Oracle web page email redirector struck} again, resulting in Lisa receiving the Oracle's answer to the} adulterous man. "But what relation does this all have to a database?"} Tom cried managerially.}} But alas! 'Twas the butler did it.}} You owe the Oracle 50% of any royalties you get on this story.}} Oops! Something tells me that that's not the answer you were looking} for. Heck, supplicant, I have no idea who wrote your answer. What I} want to know is who wrote this stupid database software!}} You owe the Oracle an upgrade to version 7.3.

> Oh wondrous Oracle, I have a question.>> And what one nation in the earth is like thy people, even like Israel,> whom God went to redeem for a people to himself, and to make him a> name, and to do for you great things and terrible, for thy land, before> thy people, which thou redeemedst to thee from Egypt, from the nations> and their gods? [2 Samuel 7:23]>> No, that's not my question. My question is: How come people could get> away with run-on sentences like that in Biblical times? I mean,> Hemingway would have run screaming from the room halfway through the> second line.

} In the beginning was the Word, and the word was without punctuation,} and prose was without form and void, and commas were plentiful; and the} comma begat the semicolon; and the semicolon begat the run-on sentence.} And lo, it came to pass in the land at that time that many marks of} punctuation fell into scarcity; it was seen to be easier for a wise man} to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to use a period to} end a sentence; the exclamation mark was as yet not invented; yea,} verily, it was just after the end of the month of March when I came} unto Peter and said unto him, where are the quotation marks upon my} sentences? And he sayeth unto me, Alas, for they have not been} invented, and likewise for the Copyright and Trademark symbols (not to} mention parentheses) which I would find useful should I set down this} Gospel for posterity, which likewise has not been invented, but which} will someday wish to write Regular Expressions containing a divers} variety of punctuation marks as yet undreamed of, including backslashes} and carets and asterisks. And there was much rejoicing, as he had} completed a sentence, and the Lord saw it was good.}} You owe the Oracle a very large needle and a very small camel.

} Golly, Newt, this one has us stumped. What are the odds? Maybe if you} tried again with Bob... stop bugging Candice though, our records show} thats the quintessential lost cause.} You owe the Oracle anything inflatable.} Yech! We meant unused!

> You know, I really don't give a flying crap about Madonna nor her> baby nor the fact that it will be allowed to watch TV nor access the> Internet 'cause then it might be exposed to Bad Influences; unlike> it's MOTHER Madonna who is obviously what is All Good 'n' Holy 'n'> Such what with the Breasts and blowing bottles and damn vi is messing> with my head and hell, we don't need another Brain to Feed.

> ()racle, I have a question,>> What was god THINKING when he wrote Deuteronomy 23:1?>> If you don't have a bible handy, it says (from memory)> "He who has been wounded in the stones, or hath his privvy member cut> off, shall never enter the kingdom of heaven unto the tenth> generation.">> And why don't the Jehovah's witnesses do this?

} To quote, "He that is wounded in the stones or hath his privy member} cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."} (Deuteronomy 23:1-2)}} With all deference to Biblical scholars greater than I, I would} believe that that statement is a warning to all those who would} consider voluntarily becoming a eunuch--a well-paying job in that} era--that they would not be allowed to ascend. This is a common theme} in many religions. For instance, Chinese eunuchs always carried a} small bag with their shriveled prepubescent penis in it so that it} could be buried with them, or (horrors!) they would come back as a} woman.}} Remember, the majority of the Bible was written by the Hebrew priests} trying to maximize the flock--therefore, any injury to the genitals} was intolerable. Also note Onan's punishment for failing to} impregnate his sister-in-law (although one may argue that his motives} were not entirely pure in failing to do so).}} The books are full of strange little bits like that. Try taking off} your shirt and looking at the tab. If it doesn't say 100% cotton, you} should be stoned to death! Exodus justifies slavery, and even allows} the capricious torture of slaves (that is a favorite example, Exodus} 21:5-6).}} Comparing it to the rest of the verses, that one doesn't seem at all} strange.}} (REMEMBER KIDS: If you should urinate on a wall, God *will* chop off} your penis.)