Monthly Archives: January 2014

You’ve been putting off doing laundry for a few weeks until you finally crack and drag your dirty clothes to the Laundromat. You spend a few hours and a few quarters cleaning your clothes, and you feel accomplished and proud when you finally finish. You decide to celebrate your laundry victory by wearing a warm, clean shirt straight from the dryer. You’ll be wearing that shirt for about ten minutes before you dribble coffee down the front. Getting a new stain right after you did laundry is inevitable. The universe always knows when you’ve done laundry, and the universe will try to rectify the situation by getting your clothes dirty again. The universe wants you to waste quarters.

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A titty twister is when your asshole friend pinches your nipple and twists it. It goes by a few other names. I’ve heard it been called a purple nurple or a boobie blister, and there are alternate spellings such as tittie twister, but it’s all the same term for that act of casual assault. Titty twisters hurt. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of one, but it’s funny to witness one or to be the guy doing the titty twisting. My friend is really good at titty twisters. She has a special talent where she knows exactly where your nipple is at all times. She just hones in on it, latches on, and twists your titty when you least expect it. She has a 99% titty twister success rate, which is uncanny. Most titty twister attempts only have a 60% success rate. It’s a lot harder to grab a nipple that you can’t see than you might think. It’s not a great talent to have, but it’s still a valid talent.

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Speaking in public is an important social skill to have. A lot of people are terrified of public speaking, and it’s not a very enjoyable experience if you’re shy. But if you can’t read a few sentences out loud to a group of strangers, there is no way that you will be successful in life. How you present yourself is important in the business world. It’s important in any world. If you stammer or stutter, if you speak in a monotone or add the wrong inflection, then you weird people out. You need to speak with confidence. You need to speak clearly and correctly, but you also have to go with the flow. There will be times when you trip up on a word or somebody will ask a question that you don’t know how to respond to. A good public speaker will be able to turn a mistake into a triumph, to transform a gaffe into a memorable quote.

Public speaking takes time and it takes practice, but anybody is capable of learning how to do it. It’s not a natural thing, it’s sometime that you have to work on. Anyone can do it. Case in point: look at Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. They are both awkward nerds, neither seems like they would be the life of the party, they are both introverted, and they had to learn the social skills that transformed their small companies into global forces. Microsoft and Facebook would not have gone anywhere if their CEOs didn’t learn the importance of public speaking and reading out loud. Neither are great public speakers, but when they speak they command attention. Not all billionaires can capture your attention like that. They learned the importance on public speaking and put they their skills to good use. Teach yourself how to read in public. Maybe it’s your time to shine now.

Fifteen hundred is kind of a lot. I should know. This is my fifteenth hundred post on Critically Rated. It took me two years and one day to write this many posts. I’m not looking for a medal or a cookie or anything. I just want a little acknowledgment and I have no problems with patting myself on the back if nobody else will. Fifteen hundred posts. Let that sink in for a minute. One thousand, five hundred posts. That’s a lot of shit that I’ve judged on a scale of 1-17. I didn’t know that there were really that many things to write about. I never planned on writing this much, but it’s not a herculean task if you just take it one word at a time.

I first started blogging as a way to catalog my life experiences. I wanted to know which beers I’ve consumed, what movies I’ve watched, I wanted to remember life’s little situations and landmark moments. And I feel like this site lets me do that. I like writing for this site more than you enjoy reading it. But you, the reader, are the most important contributor to this site. Nothing is worth writing about if there’s nobody there to read it. And not only do you read my stuff, you sometimes share it with your friends, and that’s far more rewarding than you will ever know. Thank you for visiting my site. Thank you for taking the time to read my bullshit. And if I wrote something about you, thank you for the inspiration. Fifteen hundred posts was easy… let’s see if we can do fifteen hundred more.

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There’s a lot of debate over whether bottles or cans are better for beer. Cans are easier to transport, they take up less space, and they don’t let any light in so the beer won’t get skunky. Bottles are traditional, classier, and they make you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. A bottle of craft beer has more credibility than a can of a cheap domestic. But it doesn’t matter if you’re a bottle guy or a can guy, because we can all agree that beer is good and that pouring beer into a glass makes it taste even better. Pouring beer into a glass wakes it up and revives it. When you pour a cold beer into a chilled glass, the beer gets bubbly and foamy, and ideally you’ll get a nice thick head. The head is an important part of the beer. It broadens the flavor and aromas of the beer, it opens up the flavor gates. It’s how you’re supposed to drink beer. If you buy a ten-dollar bottle of beer and chug it straight from the bottle, but that’s a waste of precious booze. If you don’t taste it and savor it, then you wasted it. So pour your beer into a glass, enjoy it and enjoy life. Head makes everything better (remember that, ladies).

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The Green Revolution is upon us and the US Government just passed a bill allowing the cultivation of the plant in ten states thanks to a “federal farm bill agreement” that occurred on Monday. Hemp is also Cannabis sativa, which is a strain of marijuana, but hemp is grown with a reduced amount of THC (and any stoner will tell you that THC is the shit that gets you high). You don’t want to smoke hemp, you want to smoke weed. Hemp is a wonder plant. Hemp was a part of our agricultural industry back in the day. The word “canvas” is derived from cannabis. It does so many things. You can make clothes out of it, you can make paper out of it, you can make rope out of it, you can make food and nutritional products out of it. You can use it to make plastic. It can be used as a source of fuel. You can even make hemp milk (similar to soy milk) out of it. Hemp is amazingly versatile, the only thing you can’t do with it is smoke it.

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There’s a lazy bum begging for spare change that I see practically every time I go downtown. I know that he’s lazy because he begs by shaking a cup. He doesn’t have a cardboard sign with anything witty written on it, he doesn’t talk or ask for money in a witty way, all he does is shake a cup in an attempt to entice you to donate. He doesn’t even shake the cup to a beat or make a song out of it. He just sees you approaching and shakes the cup. It’s pathetic, not just because he’s a bum, but because he doesn’t put any effort into his begging at all. He doesn’t even ask if I have any cash, he just shakes a cup. If you want money, then ask me for it. Shaking a cup means nothing to me. Be gone with you.

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Alcatraz: The True End of the Line is an autobiography by Darwin E. Coon, an ex-con who served four years on Alcatraz, the world’s most notorious prison. He tells the story of his life, everything from his childhood to his criminal capers, to the stints he pulled at various prisons and jails. It’s a short book, only 144 pages, and it’s not written that well (but that’s to be expected from an ex-con I suppose). But Darwin had an interesting life and he has some pretty amazing stories.

I actually knew Darwin. He was a regular at the restaurant that I work at in San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf, and we both went to the same dive bar. He would go to Alcatraz a few times a week and sell his book to tourists and he made a killing. He would tell us stories and buy us drinks. He would talk about how he used to chase the girls, and how much easier they were to catch back then. He was the local celebrity and couldn’t walk down the street without somebody recognizing him and saying hello. He was quite the character, but he was also an ex-con and you couldn’t forget that. One day he got banned from the dive bar for threatening to kill the bartender for cutting him off. He got sick not long after and became spotted less and less frequently around the Wharf. There came a day when I spotted his name in the obituaries and I knew that an era had ended. They held his memorial service at the dive bar. Darwin passed away a few years ago, but every now and then I’ll see The Rock on my way to work and think about him.

I can’t say that Alcatraz: The True End of the Line is a good book because I’m obviously biased. But I can say that Darwin Coon had an interesting life story and it won’t take long to read about it. The guy robbed banks and escaped from police custody and served time with famous criminals. He has anecdotes about kidnapping and people getting shanked in the mess hall. He lived a life that few have experienced, and this book lets you catch a glimpse of that world. R.I.P. Darwin E. Coon, Alcatraz Inmate #1422.

A few nights ago my friend needed a place to crash and I offered him a spot on my couch. He gladly accepted and he came over with a six-pack and a box of Cheez-Its. We cracked open a few, smoked a bowl, and were making idle conversation when he suggested that we watch TV or a movie. We talked about what to watch for a minute before deciding on an episode of South Park. I quickly regretted my decision about watching TV because I found out that he’s a repeater. A repeater is someone who can’t watch anything without repeating back every joke, dramatic line, or memorable quip that a character says. It’s almost as if they are trying to take credit for what just happened on screen. Every single time Cartman said something funny, my friend would repeat it. He didn’t do the Cartman voice, so he wasn’t trying to mimic him. He would just restate everything that Cartman said. It was very bizarre, almost as if he was an alien trying to learn English. I didn’t tell him to shut the fuck up, but I made a mental note to never watch anything with him ever again. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe is limited series about Deadpool killing the Marvel Universe. Deadpool has always been a self-aware comic book character. He knows that he’s a character in a comic. He knows that his life is scripted, and he knows that everyone and everything around him is in the comic too. And so he decides to go against the status quo and he fights back against his creators by killing as many Marvel characters as he can. He kills Spider-man. He kills the Hulk. He kills the Fantastic Four. You might think that I’m giving you spoilers, but fuck you. It’s called Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe! What the fuck did you think was going to happen?

Deadpool breaks the fourth wall and talks to the reader directly. It used to be funny. But it’s kind of disturbing when he starts threatening to hunt you down. Yeah, I know that he’s a comic book character. But he knows he is too, and Deadpool is crazy enough to make good on that threat. All in all, this is a great comic book, and a shining showcase of who Deadpool is. You should read it if you get the chance.

I was standing on the train platform the other day and I saw a guy waiting for the train. He was standing right where the train doors open and the passengers get out. It was pretty obvious that he was standing in the wrong spot. There is a diagram drawn on the floor with brightly colored arrows showing you where to stand. And this jackass was obviously in the wrong place. I watched as the train rolled up and the guy blocked the exit for all the passengers shuffling off. If ignorance is bliss, this was the happiest mother fucker on the planet. People who can’t follow simple instructions amaze me. I don’t know how can they make it so far in life without getting hit by a bus or falling off a cliff.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Lagunitas Brewing Company never fails to impress me. Each of their beers is amazingly delicious and drinkable. The Hairy Eyeball Ale is another one of their success stories. It’s a winter seasonal American Strong Ale. And it really is strong. It’s 9.4% alcohol by volume, so be sure to pace yourself because it goes down so easy (like your sister on prom night). There’s a nice sweet, almost fruity aroma with caramel malts and nut notes as well. It has a nice malty backbone, and you can taste prunes, raisins, caramel, toasted bread, and nuts. There is a slight amount of hop bitterness, but not as much as you would expect from an ale with such a high ABV. It’s definitely more malty than it is hoppy. This is not a good beer. It’s a great beer. It’s better than your sister on prom night. And everyone says your sister’s amazing on prom night.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Chick flicks are movies primarily targeted towards women and overly sensitive guys. They are typically lighthearted romantic comedies about a hot white girl falling in love with Matthew McConaughey or Channing Tatum or Tom Hanks for some reason. Chicks love chick flicks, the sappier the better. Guys pretend that they hate them, but every guy has a secret soft spot for at least one cheesy rom com. Mine is When Harry Met Sally. Meg Ryan has that sexy girl-next-door thing going on and Billy Crystal is always funny and delightful. But for the most part guys try to avoid watching chick flicks unless they are trying to score some brownie points. And that’s how it should be. They are chick flicks, not dick flicks. I can proudly say that I’ve never seen The Notebook, but I know more than a few guys who were forced to watch Magic Mike. Those poor souls never fully recovered. There are some perks to being single I guess.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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I hate when people ask you if they can ask you a favor. Stop wasting my time. Just be direct and tell me what you want. Get to the point. There’s no need to play games. Besides, asking someone if you can ask them a favor makes them more hesitant to help you out. It makes the favor seem like it’s a bigger deal than it really is. And you don’t want them to be the slightest bit reluctant before you ask them for something. The best way to ask someone for a favor is to butter them up and remind them that you’re a great person with many outstanding qualities. Or you can simply bribe them with money or beer. People will do anything for money or beer.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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When I was a kid, my favorite soda was all the sodas mixed together. You get your cup, you go to the soda fountain, and you take a little bit of each soda until your cup is full. We used to call it a Suicide. Other people call it different things, but it’s still the same thing. A Suicide has no set recipe and it will taste different every single time. Sometimes it will taste horrible, sometimes it will taste great. It all depends which sodas they have on tap. Some sodas don’t mesh well with others. A diet soda will always taint the Suicide with a weird aftertaste, so you should avoid that. And Pepsi contaminates it immediately. Dr Pepper is one of the best sodas to use. Some people consider Dr Pepper to be a Suicide soda by itself because it already has 23 different flavors. Adding it to a Suicide will make your mouth happy. You should make a Suicide if you’ve never had one before. Have fun, experiment a little, and be creative.

One of the more interesting things about Deadpool is that he’s aware that he’s a comic book character. There’s a famous storyline where he goes on a rampage and destroys the Marvel Universe and enters the real world to confront the comic book writers and artists who created him. So what’s the next step after that? Well, have Deadpool kill the some of the most iconic character of classic literature of course.

The logic behind Deadpool’s thinking is that he can’t really destroy Marvel characters without first destroying the classic characters who inspired them. And so Moby Dick, Captain Ahab, Ishmael, Don Quixote, Sancho Panza, Tom Sawyer, Dracula, the Headless Horseman, the Little Women, Ebenezer Scrooge, Dr. Frankenstein, Mowgli, the Little Mermaid, the Three Musketeers, and a bunch more need to watch their backs because the Merc with the Mouth is coming for them.

This is a pretty interesting comic. It’s funny, it’s violent, and it’s smart. It reminds me of Alan Moore’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but amped up and more extreme like it’s been drinking Mountain Dew. You don’t have to know anything about Deadpool to enjoy this comic. You can just pick it up and read it.

It’s kind of fun watching a tourist struggle with what you find routine. You know the way around your city because it’s your city. You know the best places to go and the best ways to get there. You know how to get around quickly and efficiently. You know how the city flows and you feel like you are a vital part of it. And tourists stick out. You can spot them from a mile away. They don’t know the unwritten rules of your city. They dress weird, they say the wrong things, they get in the way and cause minor obstructions and traffic jams. They are a virus. They are disruptive. But they are also guests in your city, so you should treat them as such.

Watching struggling tourists isn’t an amusement, it’s a test of your true character. You don’t have to be their friend, but you should definitely help them out and offer them advice and tips and try to make them feel a little welcome. A new place can be overwhelming and a few acts of kindness can go a long way. I try to do what I can. If I see a person anxiously studying a map, I’ll ask them where they are trying to go. The other day I saw a kid trying to get onto the subway but couldn’t figure out how to enter the turnstile. As I walked by I told him to how to swipe it, and the brief look of relief on his face was better than any “thank you” he could have muttered.

It’s fun watching a tourist struggle. It’s more fulfilling to help them out. You have to remember that you like to travel, and travellers are essentially glorified tourists. You don’t want to be treated like a tourist. So don’t treat tourists like they are inferior. Because human rights and all that.