As a Mother, I Have a Very Particular Set of Skills

I’m Not What I Was

I was talking to a friend the other day about the way my education and grammar has faltered some being out of the workplace. I don’t remember how to set formulas in Excel or some of the finer points of more obscure grammar rules. It’s a trade off, though. I joked that I may not know how to spell worth a damn anymore, but I can change a diaper in the dark like a champ. And it got me thinking… I have acquired a certain set of skills that I didn’t have before. Yes, some are silly little skills that won’t translate into the real world at all and will be of little value to anyone ever once my kids are grown. But some are legit, good skills to have. All are so specific to being a mom, though it’s almost funny.

So I found myself thinking of the quote from Taken: “I have a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career.”

As a mother, I have acquired the following skills

How to make cheap shitty wine taste good

It’s usually a fruit puree or juice of some kind. Listen, you gotta do what you gotta do, mama.

How to tune out screaming

What’s that? I don’t speak Dolphin. If you want to talk to me, come down a couple octaves.

How to get rid of diaper rash

Like, six different ways to get rid of diaper rash.

How to smooth over something really awkward your kids say.

She didn’t mean you were big, ma’am! She was talking about the big bathroom behind you, Shhh, kid. let’s just go.

How to deal with pregnancy hemorrhoids

Gross, I know. But it’s a thing that really happens. Gotta deal.

How to poop when you’re constipated: Baby to adult edition

Seriously, this is another thing we never talk about because it’s gross but it’s real.

When to start a baby on which foods.

How to shut a kid up.

How to make a kid laugh.

Every word to every Disney movie EVER.

(Not just my favorites like I had when I was a kid.)

When to worry after a kid falls.

Or gags. Or has a fever. Or a rash.

How to hide the good shit.

They won’t look in their own damned closets. MY closet is off-limits for hiding. That’s the first place they look. But in theirs? Ha. Just imagining their little faces if they ever found out I hide their presents there… Brings me joy.

How to lie convincingly.

I do NOT have ANY cookies! (They’re in my bathroom closet and you can’t have them, you little monster.)

The cheapest place to get organic, whole foods.

Hint: it sure as HELL ain’t Whole Foods. (aka Whole Paycheck.)

How to make coffee taste good.

How to accept who I am

Screw everyone who doesn’t like it.

How to LIKE me.

Because I’m freakin’ awesome. People get so appalled when I say that. Like having confidence is akin to wearing a dead person’s face as a mask or something. Why is that horrible to say? You’re supposed to like yourself. Have we really gotten so far away from it that it seems like I’m cocky just ’cause I think I’m a cool chick?

How to lose weight

Ha. It’s when I TRY to keep up with a couple toddlers and just forget to eat. Not the best diet plan, but pretty effective, gotta say.

How to turn ice cream into a meal.

How to make a kid smile for photos.

(Say poop)

How to act when you have an audience…

Because when you have kids… Someone is always watching. So who gives a shit? My kid has walked in on me stress eating, crazy dancing and singing in front of the mirror. Whatever, man. Over the audience fear.

How to say goodbye.

Because it’s never easier to say goodbye than when someone treats your kids like shit. Bye, Felicia.

When the annual sales are

And which are the best

When the consignment sales are in town

And which areas have the better stuff.

Who’s pregnant with a child the same gender as your last child.

Because at any given time I have about 3 trash bags in my garage of crap I need to get rid of.

Where the closest outlet is.

And what stores it has there

How to buy *everything* online.

No but really. I buy my groceries online now. You can even go thrift shopping online. I don’t ever have to take 3 kids shopping if I don’t want to. What a time to be alive!

When it’s too late for a child to have sugar.

Um, like 3pm for one kid. Like noon for another.

How long after birthday party the sugar rush lasts.

For.f@cking.Ever.

What punishment is most effective in three separate individuals.

So I guess I’d be good at effective management? Or maybe this kind of thing only translates well to like, Gitmo guard.

These may not translate well into the workplace…

But they’re not all bad. Some are pretty kick ass. It’s nice to think about this in a critical way. I have not wasted my years as a parent. I have developed and honed skills that have made me very good at my job. And that’s something that pleases me, either way.

… I’d probably still trade them for the hitman skill set from Taken, though.