I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Monday, 1 September 2014

When the CEO has a medical issue, what is HR's role

Behind in his work

I was not surprised when Wifey (our CEO's wife) invited me for lunch to confide in me some big data, i.e., that CEO Stan has hemorrhoids. Wifey, nibbling a croissant, looked me in the eyes and said: "HR management (she meant me) needs to install a bidet in his bathroom and this needs to be discrete, Gloria".

Why was I not surprised? Because Stan had been complaining that all meetings are "too fucking long, Gloria". Often, Stan stood up after just 5 minutes into most meetings, apparently to show his impatience, as it were.

Everyone has medical problems from time to time. Mais oui!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, never saw a doctor till he was 79, because "doctors always find out something wrong, for Christ's sake-that's their job; and they never know how to fix anything".

My mother Constance, who is still alive, has chronic post nasal drip and is always clearing her throat; my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom both have asthma, albeit mild.

I think I may have an attention disorder deficit, but it does not matter; I am in HR, and all I do is text all day. And I visit a chiropractor thrice a week; notice thrice.

In order to keep Stan's affliction totally discrete, after I came back from meeting Wifey, I convened a meeting with Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity.

I told Cynthia to fire anyone who gossips about this issue. I told Hugh White that he should hire several people with this affliction so that Stan will feel normative. Behaviour like this is the pinnacle of business partnership.

I sat down and started browsing to look for a same-night installation of a bidet when I got a copy of an email (sent to me by mistake) from Comrade Carl Marks to all his Engineering crew. "Hey guys, come into my office. I have something really funny to tell you about Stan".

Carl's English-language email was accompanied by a translation into Russian, Hindi and Hebrew, since only 3% of his staff speak any English.