Monday, 8 December 2014

Countdown to Christmas

We’re
now at the beginning of December and Christmas is bearing down upon us like a
train with no brakes.

When
I use the term Christmas, I mean the Christmas Holiday period, not specifically
the Christian observance as such.

Now,
for many of you Christmas really is a joyful time:a chance to get together with family and
friends; maybe even acknowledge the religious reasons for the day.Or if not, a chance to connect and commune with
some of the people you care about.

Or
you could be someone who likes to be alone at Christmas; you’re not
particularly interested in the ‘institution’ of Christmas; it may not be part
of your own religious life; you may just want the time to yourself.

For
others of you, though, Christmas is not such a joyful time. It can be a lonely and isolating experience if
you don’t have friends and family around them, and even for those of you who
do.

Christmas
can also be a stressful and exhausting time as people feel the pressure of
buying presents, preparing meals and dealing with people they’d rather not
spend their time with.

Over
the next few weeks in the lead up to Christmas Day, I’ll be offering some hints
and tips that just might make this Christmas more bearable, less stressful,
dare we say, possibly more enjoyable.

My first tip is to make sure you
have a realistic view of what’s going to happen. One reason why the holidays can be so
additionally stressful is that people don’t come up to your expectations.

Or
should we be more honest and use the word ‘fantasies’. For in my experience, people have fantasies
about what’s going to happen when everyone gets together that have no bearing
whatsoever on reality: “This year, my
brother and I will get along.” “This
year Uncle Reg won’t get drunk.” “This year Mum won’t get on my nerves.”

Unless
something has radically changed then people (including yourself) will behave as
they did last year, maybe even worse.

If
you have a realistic expectation of other people’s behaviour then you avoid the
deep disappointment, frustration and anger that happens during and after these
intense get-togethers.

My second tip is that having grounded
yourself in reality, it’s time to set a whole lot of boundaries. You’re going to read this tip more than once,
as it is pivotal if you want to have an easier time.

The
thing about boundaries, is that most of us know what we want and don’t
want. What we’re really bad at is
letting other people know in a way that they can hear. Two things usually end up happening:

1) You never set the boundary so no one else know what you want
other than you. You then have an
on-going monologue in your head along the lines of “how come they don’t know
what I want” or “they should know….” Or “I can’t believe they didn’t….”

2) You wait to set a boundary till you are near breaking point
and it all comes out through gritted teeth or shouty or aggravated or
frustrated or angry. Whichever way it
comes out, it will tend to be an inappropriate response.

Something
to remember: a boundary is for the other
person. They are not going to be able to
read your mind – you have to tell them.

For
instance, if you only want to spend Christmas Day with your family and not
Boxing Day, then you need to let people know now, not on Christmas Eve and not
in a defensive way.

It
could be as simple as: “I thought I’d
let you know that this year I’m really looking forward to being with you on
Christmas Day. I have other plans for
Boxing Day so won’t be staying over.”

Typical
comeback (or what you fear will be said) might be: “But you always stay for Boxing Day! What’s more important than being with your
family?”

And
here’s where you can avoid creating more conflict: “I see you’re really disappointed, which is
why we need to have a fabulous day on Christmas when we will be together as a
family.”

Key
to that kind of response: acknowledgement
of how the other person feels, no justifications, no ‘I’ll-make-it up-to-you’
promises.

You
may very well have to do this more than once. Getting in the habit of being clear with other people is one of the best
communication skills you can have and I recommend practising boundary setting
wherever you can so that it becomes second nature and not as a last resort.