This is really my first systematic attempt at writing a song (as opposed to composing Pooh-like "hums" and doodles). I think it works well, and can stand as it is, but I'd like some more musically experienced minds to critique it. Specifically, I wonder if it could be made better with a refrain of some sort, to "lighten" it... any suggestions?

Tell me a tale of magic, of enchantments thick with time, of doors that can be opened with a whispered, ancient rhyme. Tell me a tale of magic, where the hero's young and small and beasts can speak with wisdom, and it's the mightiest who fall.

"Magic is just for children, in the Realm of Neverland, where boys are boys forever with their captain Peter Pan. Magic is just for children, and for other simple minds. The power that can change the world only hard earned cash can buy.

"Creatures will never guide you. There are no enchanted rings. There are no lovers' blessings that can change the way of things. Magic is just for children," Were the words they said to me. "Now just grow up, and face the facts, for the facts are plain to see."

But every tale of magic, that's been told throughout the years

repeats the same thing over with a message loud and clear: Magic, it is the power that is born from Life's own force: It flows just like a river bright and unites us at the core.

Magic, it is the power that can break the chains that bind and shatter walls between us. No, I won't leave that behind. River of joy and power, I still feel it in my veins. I'll not deny this truth so strong for this joy I must reclaim.

Knowing this strength within me, with intent and chanted rhyme, I'll work to heal the wounded and to soothe the haunted mind. Magic, it is for children, for to keep throughout their lives, so they may shape their destiny with the Power of the Wise. (to Coda)

Coda:

So teach magic to the children, see the wonder in their eyes, That they may keep within their hearts all the Power of the Wise.

Rather than a chorus, I noticed that you could have a B part every other verse, with a tune different from the A part. The language of each second verse is forceful and can be sung that way. It's a great song.

Yeah, I ended each odd verse with an upturn in pitch, to suggest a question, and the even verses with a downturn, to give the feeling of a definite statement... (and ended the coda on an upturn again, because the future is a question)

But I wasn't sure if the two "halves" were different enough. (this could be because I'd listened to the tune over and over as I was composing it, and it was all starting to blur together...)

Really great lyrics, Capri! (I don't know how to use the notation program, so I don't know what the tune is yet.)

The only suggestion I might have is a very minor one (which is a hand-me-down from a songwriter friend of mine)--that in some lines you might tweak the lyrics a bit by removing an unnecessary work or two, if that makes the line flow more smoothly or if it makes it easier to sing. (I sent you a PM with a couple of suggestions, which you should of course feel quite free to disregard, if they're not helpful.)

Back in November, I went back and found an earlier draft, which I think I prefer, as it separates the two "voices" in the song into distinct halves, the first being the voice of the dominant "hard reality" culture, and the second, of the "magical, fluid culture" (for want of a better term). The tune is the same as the one posted above. As was the coda, when I found it... but I've been fiddling with that, and thinking of dropping it altogether.

Anyway, here it is:

MAGIC IS FOR CHILDREN by Ann Magill

Magic is just for children in the Realm of Neverland, where boys are boys forever with their captain Peter Pan.

Magic is just for children, and for other simple minds. The power that can change the world only hard earned cash can buy.

Living, it is a struggle. It has always been that way. You must not trust a stranger. You must learn to keep your place.

Power is just for Generals, and for those who trade with gold. You must work with the system, and you must do just as you're told.

Spirits will never guide you. There are no enchanted rings. There are no mothers' blessings that can change the way of things.

"Magic is just for children." Were the words they said to me. "Now just grow up, and face the facts, for the facts are plain to see."

But every tale of magic that's been told throughout the years repeats the same thing over with a message loud and clear:

Magic, it is the power that is born from Life's own force. It flows just like a river bright and unites us at the core.

Magic, it is the power that can break the chains that bind and shatter walls between us. No, I won't leave that behind.

River of joy and power, I still feel you in my veins. I'll not deny this truth so strong, for your joy I must reclaim.

Knowing this strength within me, with intent and chanted rhyme, I'll work to heal the wounded and to soothe the haunted mind.

Magic, it is for children, for to keep throughout their lives, so they may shape their destiny with the Power of the Wise.

Part of me still believes that there needs to be a refrain of some sort in this song (which would, if I added it, take the place of the coda).

This song is very "dense", I think, with a lot of strong ideas that don't often get spoken aloud (a bit like a good loaf of pumpernickle ;-)), and I think there needs to be "breathing space" between the A and B parts of the song, to give one set of ideas time to sink in before the next set of ideas comes barrelling along. Perhaps it just needs some arranging to give it a purely musical refrain. Any suggestions, are, of course, welcome...

In any case, I'll keep working at it, since this is a subject I've felt strongly, on many levels, for a very long time.

into the text window here, and click the submit button... That will give you a gif of the score, and a midi link to click so you can hear it.

... or something close. For some reason ABC doesn't like rests inside a measure, so in measure 7, where I have a half note and half note rest, the score that comes up puts a whole note... other than that, it's exact...

Hope this helps!

Oh, and for the refrain I'm considering would be to repeat the last half line of each verse, with a slight variation on the melody line, as in:

"...Where boys are boys forever, with their Captain Peter Pan -- With their Captain Peter Pan.

And:

"The power that can change the world, only hard-earned cash can buy -- Only hard earned cash can buy"

Well, I tried the refrain idea, and no matter how I tried it, it didn't seem to work... the melody line isn't "stretchable."

My next thought is to have a key change starting at the fourth verse -- the point at which the "voice of the status quo" shifts to the "voice of magical challenge" -- to have the melody 'change voices' the way an oral interpreter would, reading the different character voices in a story.

So my question is this: Which keys would you suggest for a harmonious and melodious partnership with Eb?

When I read the poem this verse stood out as a possible refrain for me:

But every tale of magic, that's been told throughout the years repeats the same thing over with a message loud and clear: Magic, it is the power that is born from Life's own force: It flows just like a river bright and unites us at the core.

Also you said: "...it separates the two "voices" in the song into distinct halves, the first being the voice of the dominant "hard reality" culture, and the second, of the "magical, fluid culture" (for want of a better term)"

This reminds me of a lovely old Australian poem - my absolute favourite poem in the world - by John Shaw Neilson (1872-1942).

http://www.middlemiss.org/lit/authors/neilsonjs/neilsonjs.html#poetry

THE ORANGE TREE by John Shaw Neilson

The young girl stood beside me. I Saw not what her young eyes could see: - A light, she said, not of the sky Lives somewhere in the Orange Tree.

- Is it, I said, of east or west? The heartbeat of a luminous boy Who with his faltering flute confessed Only the edges of his joy?

Was he, I said, borne to the blue In a mad escapade of Spring Ere he could make a fond adieu To his love in the blossoming?

- Listen! the young girl said. There calls No voice, no music beats on me; But it is almost sound: it falls This evening on the Orange Tree.

- Does he, I said, so fear the Spring Ere the white sap too far can climb? See in the full gold evening All happenings of the olden time?

Is he so goaded by the green? Does the compulsion of the dew Make him unknowable but keen Asking with beauty of the blue?

- Listen! the young girl said. For all Your hapless talk you fail to see There is a light, a step, a call This evening on the Orange Tree.

- Is it, 1 said, a waste of love Imperishably old in pain, Moving as an affrighted dove Under the sunlight or the rain?

Is it a fluttering heart that gave Too willingly and was reviled? Is it the stammering at a grave, The last word of a little child?

- Silence! the young girl said. Oh, why, Why will you talk to weary me? Plague me no longer now, for I Am listening like the Orange Tree.

Yes, but, Helen... in part, as wonderful as that poem is, it kinda perpetuates the idea that my song is a protest against -- namely, that it is to be expected that children outgrow magic... that it's regrettable (perhaps, though, as my song implies, there are many out there who think a leaving behind of magic is a good thing), but unavoidable.

I'd much prefer it if, in the last verse, the annoying adult actually learned to be quiet, and heard the music, too...

I don't know how I missed this, CU, unless it's becuase we were in the middle of moving. Anyway, just reading your blog and linked to it. THANKS!! I lvoe it and will be learning it to sing to my grandson, who does believe in magic...in fact he uses his own every day. You are a superb writer!!