Don’t let me near your vegetables

I am grateful to live in a time where I can quickly pop down to a shop or grocery store and purchase all the food necessary for life. If that were not an option, I would be dead from starvation.

I seem to have the uncanny ability to kill plants no matter what I do.

To plants, I can be likened to the sailor who arrives at Marseille and ends up killing half the European population with the Black Death, just by being around.

Even with my lack of having ever grown anything successfully, every year I still break out the seeds and till. I thought I should share some of my gardening tips I’ve learned over the years.

If you water your plants too much, they will die. If you don’t water them enough, they will die. If you water them just the right amount, consistently and perfectly, they will still die.

Sunshine is vital for successful plant growth: Be sure you plant where your vegetables will get plenty of sun. Follow this by realizing they are getting way too much sun and are essentially baking, quickly move them to shade, and realize it is too late when they shrivel like a green mummy. And like a mummy, they will never come back to live without Hollywood CGI.

Selecting the right soil is paramount to successful gardening. Try some from Mars, because I’ve found there is not a single bit of suitable soil on this entire planet.

Although some people like to take precautions against wildlife rummaging and eating through their garden, you needn’t worry because nothing is going to grow anyway.

Timing your planting in accordance with the almanac is important. Still, disregard this and plant whenever you have the gumption, even if it is 12 degrees outside and the ground is technically frozen.

Some adhere to the belief that talking to your plants will help them grow. In my experience, harrowing curse-laden insults regarding the plant’s complete inability to grow hasn’t seemed to work. Maybe they mean talking to the plants nicely.

The spacing of seeds is not important. Just throw everything in the soil with complete disregard.

If by some miracle, and I do mean a true miracle, something actually grows from your garden, be sure to rip it off the stalk with such enthusiasm you ruin the entire plant.

It is because of these “go-to” tricks my wife has forbidden me from stepping within 20 feet of any vegetable plant or flower she is attempting to grow. And wouldn’t you know it, we have had herbs, peppers, vegetable and flowers in abundance this year.

So if you would like to ensure yourself a bountiful garden this year, don’t take my advice.