life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say "Don't talk like that!"

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Too much life wasted, too much time spent trying to have other
people like me, allowing myself to be controlled by their life stories their life rules. I have no expectations. I respect and honor their choices, but I no
longer need their approval. I am just now learning how to love me and what I do.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

I know...I know...NOT my style, but I just needed to go in the studio and play. Then the the creative "voice" had something to say....and it needed words! "Take time out for your heart's desires....love, friends, music, art, family, words."

After answering a series of random unrelated questions the test proclaims red is my aura and reports: A red aura is one high in energy, which shows that you may
have some unresolved anger or fear. However, it also shows that you have a lot
of strength and passion, which will help you resolve any conflicts. This
passion can be in relation to romance as well, as a red aura signifies that
love is an important factor in your life.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

They are few and far in between, but they have drifted gloriously
in and out of my life and for that I have been amazingly blessed. My lesson is to “let go” and let the relationships
be who and what they are meant to be.

He makes it sound like it is noble fight, that it will be like going into a righteous battle. Again bullshit! Normal day to day activities take 3 times more energy and effort. And now I am finding out, that small everyday medical and/or dental procedures are now going to take 3 times more time to recuperate from. All of this sucks….I want a full life with no physical limitations, not this half ass sick and hurting all of the time crap.
I am pissed off. I am tired of fighting.
I should be fine by now….

Friday, July 25, 2014

"They Always come in Threes"
Available at the Leesburg Center for the Arts
Wine Pairings Dinner Aug. 8th

I was constantly being asked for a piece of my work to charitable auctions. I was promised “You will get great exposure, this is your audience! “There will be an affluent audience with discretionary income that appreciate and buy art”. I would donate, then quietly sit back and pat myself on the back thinking I was a good person for giving to a worthy cause, I got a little niche marketing done and an added perk was the income tax deduct.

That is the fairy tale version of artists donating their work. The reality is often times your name as the contributing artist is not noted or publicized, the buyers are looking to get a great deal, not pay retail and the galleries that represented me were never happy about that, some of them even began including participating in charitable auctions as part of their exclusivity contracts. Finally it came as a shock when I learned that IRS tax codes only allowed me to deduct the cost of my materials to create the piece as a deduction, instead of the finished value of the art. It did not take me long to learn that donating my art did not benefit me.

AND THAT WAS THE PROBLEM! I was looking for how the donation would benefit me, not giving because it was a cause I believed in or had any passion for.

Now if you may see a piece of my work at a charitable auction I want you to understand that it is a cause I am absolutely passionate about! That the donation is from my heart, I am not receiving any financial or marketing benefit.

I hope you will join with me in my passion for the cause, bid high and often knowing that the money raised is going to a cause I love and support dearly!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

One of those days…after several “nothing could go wrong” great time days, the "you will pay for this” days have arrived. I feel like I have been held hostage, tip
toeing around to maintain a happy balance. I start making changes and the rebellions begin. Will I ever be good enough or strong enough? I have got to learn how
to love me. It is the one most important
relationship I will ever have. There is so much that I am going to have to do alone in the future. I have got to learn how to do this! Love myself..
But Right
now.....
I just have to keep breathing….

Friday, July 18, 2014

"Ants Marching"He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling, Never changes a thingThe week ends the week begins, She thinks, we look at each other, Wondering what the other is thinkingBut we never say a thing, These crimes between us grow deeperTake these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter timeLights down, you up and dieGoes to visit his mommy, She feeds him well his concerns, He forgets themAnd remembers being small. Playing under the table and dreamingTake these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter timeLights down, you up and dieDriving in on this highway, All these cars and upon the sidewalk, People in every directionNo words exchangedNo time to exchangeAnd all the little ants are marching, Red and black antennas wavingThey all do it the same, They all do it the same wayCandyman tempting the thoughts of a Sweet tooth tortured by the weight lossProgram cutting the corners Loose end, loose end, cut, cutOn the fence, could not to offendCut, cut, cut, cutTake these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter timeLights down, you up and die

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Now…let me clarify this….because quite frankly this sounds like a
sanctimonious, holier than thou bitch!
But really it is not. Strong
women come in all different kinds. What
they do have in common is that they “stand and deal”. Although I believe I have always been a
strong woman, I was strong for all of the wrong reasons, I was strong because
it has been what other people in my life expected of me. I am not certain I ever did it because it was
what I chose to do.

The difference is now I choose.

I choose to be strong, I am not really good at it yet….I have a lot to
learn but..

Monday, July 14, 2014

I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my wayI believe that the words that he told you are not your graveI know that we are not the weight of all our memoriesI believe in the things that I am afraid to sayHold on, hold onI believe in the lost possibilities you can seeAnd I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can beI know that your heart is still beating, beating, darlingI believe that you fell so you would land next to me‘Cause I have been where you are beforeAnd I have felt the pain of losing who you are And I have died so many times, but I am still aliveI believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterdayAnd I believe that your head is the only thing in your wayI wish that you could see your scars turn into beautyI believe that today it’s okay to be not okayHold on, hold on‘Cause I have been where you are beforeAnd I have felt the pain of losing who you are And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I love what I have with all of my heart, but it is quite exhausting! I wonder…will I be ready for more tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is precisely the paradox and the kind of thinking that provides all of the energy I need for today. Just in case tomorrow sucks, I try to put everything I have into today. One of the biggest changes of thinking I have had to do, is realize that it does NOT GET ANY BETTER than it is today. I have been taught all of my life to plan ahead, set goals, strive to be better than I am today.
No one ever taught me how to be the best I could be for just today.
I am working on it!

"One Hand in My Pocket" Alanis MorisetteI'm sad but I'm laughingI'm brave but I'm chickenshit And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet...'cause I've got one hand in my pocket

Thursday, July 10, 2014

One of my all time
favorite authors, Danielle La Porte ("Fire Starter Sessions & The Desire Map") posted beauty
tips in her blog today, which is highly unusual for a quasi-spiritual creative business
guru, but perhaps it is her outsider thinking in all areas that keep me so
caught up in her philosophy and writing. http://www.daniellelaporte.com/beauty

She rattled off some of the typical things about, hair color, eyeliner,
moisturizer, toner, drinking lots of water, etc., etc. etc. but then she stepped out and included a
little blurb on "skivvies" finishing up the blog with this profound
statement "And when my bra and
panties match, well, my super powers are extra-activated"!

Giggling uncontrollably
for the next 15 minutes until tears were rolling down my cheeks, I
realized she was absolutely right. My
best days in the studio do seem to arrive when my skivvie super powers are
activated! Thank you Danielle for an afternoon of giggles and activating my creativity with some serious skivvie super powers!

And sometimes shapes and colors are my language, they speak louder than any words I could manage. When I say yes or no I hope you understand that it is not about you, but about me. I am for the first time in my life holding on to my heart. Fearlessly connecting my own life and emotion with passion and excitement. My intent is never to hurt or complicate another’s life but to honor my own heart.

"Dust to dust" The Civil WarsYou're like a mirror, reflecting me Takes one to know one, so take it from me

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

If there were really words that could in some way explain this journey….they would be here….I wish I could explain the battle I have with my own heart. The one thing that keeps me alive, the one thing that spiritually guides my emotions, is the thing that has turned on me. I am waging a medical, chemical war on my own heart. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent to test it, examine it, push it, medicate it and I forget to ask myself how do I feel about it. And when I finally do, it feels wrong. It is a spiritual fight between expectations and reality. I suspect it is a sacred war that has been going on since the beginning of time…there is nothing new here.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

I have such a hard time allowing people in, I have had several people tell me that I just do not let them in….. and I thought I did. But I have to admit perhaps I am just afraid for anyone to see my weak spots, afraid they might not like my darks. I have spent a lifetime not being allowed to be anything less than strong. Weakness and fear are not acknowledged or accepted in my family. I learned how to take care of me by not exposing myself. Every once in a while when my emotions reached an overwhelming place and did slip out, they were perceived as criticisms. My feelings were always unreasonable and irrational. I am not complaining, for the most part the walls I built around my emotions are what make me strong. When I look back at my art and my love of Caravaggio’s art works I am seeing that it is all of the darks that make the lights in the art and in my life sing.
Right now, so much of my strength is getting redirected towards a disease that I know in my heart I will not win…I am getting tired and questioning whether or not that struggling to be strong is only wasting my energy. I do not want to waste any more energy trying to convince me and everyone around me that I am strong. I want to spend my time, my energy, on my life, love and living.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

You know what???? Marilyn is absolutely right! Another round of overwhelming depression. Is it really the a result of living with a chronic disease…as I have been told? Out of desperation I looked up the meds, one of them listed severe depression as the #1 side effect. Now I understand why they keep asking me this at rehab, explaining that heart failure is a huge cause of depression and then depression will make heart failure worse. Well NO SHIT…when the meds you have me on also cause depression…..what chance do I have? This has got to stop, anything or even nothing has to be better than this! The meds have got to go, because at this point it is exactly what I want. I want to laugh, love, enjoy my life ….not this!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

There are some days I am so much better at failing than others! Yesterday was one of those days that I let failing bite me in the butt! It was unexpected, not fun and just plain overwhelming! I powered through it in front of others and then just melted down when there was no one around to see me.
It's a new day, I get to start all over again!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Kind of simple and sappy….”just believe” but it is a great
life tool! But a tool I think so many
have forgotten about or worse only allow themselves to attach the word to religious values. Does believing have to be so incredibly
outrageous that all common sense must be suspended to believe. Believing is a small internal act of
choosing. Choosing to go against what is
typically accepted to be true. It is
indeed my choice! I have done so many
impossible things by simply believing that I can!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The decision has always been mine, but making it has been a difficult one. I have wanted to claim it, but have been afraid.
Part of my upbringing firmly believed that a rule is a rule is a rule and you do NOT break rules. There is no forgiveness. What other people think IS important.
The other part of my upbringing believed in the rule up to the point that they wanted to break it. So if you could find enough reasons, blame someone else, or get a doctor’s note, well then, rules become optional.
Sorting out and finding my balance has been a struggle. My life as my journey, my gift that I and I alone am responsible is a wonderful description of the balance I have been looking for. My children are grown, the people I love will come to know that I alone am responsible for the quality of my life. The choices I make are getting eaisier but I am still wrestling with it. I am creating an amazing journey!

The beach & flying my kite!

i want to see legal gay marriage everywhere

ROAD TRIP!!!Dave Matthews Band Tampa 2014

Take art classes-practice my craft develop more creative skills

My very first self-portrait...does not look much like me, but it has all of the right words.

Have a Sill String Fight!

Get a tattoo

tattooed my foot so I never never forget how strong I have to be! My friend thinks I should have "scared shitless" tattooed on the other foot!

i want to write a book

it is not a big book, but it is a published book! http://www.blurb.com/b/4868136-life-love-art-heart-failure-assorted-ramblings

I FINALLY graduated from college with BA in Arts Administration!

YAY......ME!!! December 2013

Swim in a Fountain! City of Casselberry...

thank god, the camera battery died!

Paint EVERYWHERE!

Painted a baby grand piano with great art friends

The Mondrian Piano! with embedded QR codes!

Dave Matthews Band concert with the boys!

and Grey Street was the encore...Woo-Hoo!

Bucket List #7 DMB with both of my boys!

Bucket List #36-C....... AND WE HAVE TICKETS 7-17-2013 we are going!

Do nude nite

And I have....2013-2014 & 2015

And I have....I have. It just gets better and more fun every year!

Nude Nite 2016

Nude Nite 2015 with the "Girls" Both pieces sold...woo-hoo!

So...I am not allowed to post these videos on Youtube...so you can access them directly on my One Drive...it will take you off of this site to watch....sorry

Nude Nite 2015

Pirates and Picasso

woo-hoo...it was awesome. click image for video

have a dirty little secret! ooo-la-la!

......and that is all I am going to say about it!

Bucket List...STILL WORKING ON IT

i want to go skinny dipping at night

i want to learn how to blow glass

Doodle on my shoes....

The Cinderella Scenario

i want to let balloon secrets fly

i want to drive a convertable on a winding mountain road

i want to NOT care what others think

i wanto to kiss with pop-rocks!

Dance on the table

I want to ride in the front of the airplaine or a limosine just once!

i want to change someone's life

they say I do....but I need to change more!

Paint Balloon darting

i want to go to an old fashion drive-in movie!

i want to see and catch fire flies!

i want to die with NO regrets

Just one amazing....

See this moon rise

and my "Core Desire Feelings"

for every situation...there is a suitable line from a song!

Headphones on

Heart of a Hero! Got myself a new "happy I am dancing my butt off song"! Woo-hoo!

After 23 years...My last Artist's Way Group

Summer 2017

Celebrate!

2016 Summer Artist Way Group Opening Reception

2016...Woo-Hoo!

Beast Feast 2016

Me, Terry, Mary & Ernie....High school buds!

Flagler Beach 2016

Yep....That's ME, too!

Purple polka dots! Woo-hoo

Dale Fox photography

Checking it out!

First Look after Open Heart Surgery 8/2015

A Different Voice..This is not about end of life, it is about LIFE!

My Guys!

at Darren's shipboard Wedding

HOLY CRAP...I am one of the top 20 art mentors in the country! Professional Artist Magazine

Such an incredible honor! Thank you!

A Woman's Heart!

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me

I finally did it...and with honors, too!

Did not go to my college graduation, BA in Arts Administration, UMASS earlier this year, but my honor society chords arrived in the mail today....what a great surprise! They are not quite as impressive without the cap and gown, but very nice to have them anyway! Thank you UMASS!

Sometimes.....I can pretend to be a responsible adult....but it rarely lasts very long!

Fine Artist Creativity Facilitator

Opening Exhibition Toast

Yes that is champagne straight out of the bottle....ooops! caught me!

Thank you 2015...

Thank you 2014!

My Dark Angel

My sculpture with an ancient Sufi Poet

If I were queen, I would....

wear my "kicking this shit happy heart crown" I made...all of the time!

Flagler Beach Summer 2014

2015 AW Install

2014 Artist's Way Celebration of Creativity

Hokey Pokey Newbie Initiation

Artists Way 2013 "HOKEY POKEY" & "DECONSTRUCTION"

Every new members of the Artist's Way Group dances the Hokey Pokey before their exhibit! Welcome to all the new phenomenal creaties I have had the honor of spending my summer with!

2014 Begins with "The Desire Map" Book Group

What a great way to begin the year!

2013 a Phenomenal Year!

2013 Artist's Way Exhibition

Leesburg Artist's Way- Umbrellas

Orlando Sentinel

Leesburg Artist Way-Umbrellas

Beast Feast

Leesburg Center for the Arts Fundraiser with my handsome Dad.

Art & Music in the Park

Pairings Leesburg Art Center

Orlando Sentinel

Cheryl Jones Evans

Sanford Herald

The Art Shows!

Pairings 2012- Leesburg

Leesburg Daily Commercial

Leesburg Art Festival Poster Artist

The Boys are Married!!

BOTH of them!

Jason & Steph

Darren & Jill

Search This Blog

The Official F#ck it Bucket List!

The Official F#ck it Bucket

#1 The TOP #1...was just upstaged by a new and ultimate #1 "Fuck it" Doctors...Tests....Doctors....Tests...Doctors offices....hospitals....make them all go away!!! PLEASE

#2 Whiners...ooooops, I may have just blown this one!

#3 Waiting Rooms...refer to #1

#4 Bible Thumpers

#5 My physical body that will not do what I want it to do! Damn!

#6 Civic Ignorance and politics...ELECTIONS.....grrrrrr!

#7 Unavoidable NAP attacks

#8 S-ICD implanted right under bra elastic....not gonna kill me but...it is like having that "hockey puck" smashed into my ribs all day it feels like I am wearing a rock in my bra...

yeee-ouch!

#9 Learning how to forgive myself...I am really bad at it! How do we learn how to metabolize hurt, grief and pain so that it becomes a good thing in our lives????