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Why Do Men Who Seem Like Promising Prospects End Up Breaking Up With Me?

I’m really excited to be here today, breaking out my new little FlipCam video just for you. The reason I’m doing this video blog is because after reading through nearly 1500 of your most intimate questions, some common themes became apparent.

And instead of waiting to complete my new book, I wanted to share the most powerful observations I had based on your survey answers.

The first big misunderstanding you have about men is a big one. In fact, if there’s one thing that you can take away from anything I write ever again, it’s this one.

Men Are About Feelings, Not About Looks

If you’ve ever been baffled at how men sometimes pull away from you, believe me, I understand. I’ve been dumped before and I remember the raw confusion, trying to reconcile how something so good could possibly go bad.

Now as a man, I don’t claim to speak for every guy, everywhere. I only speak for good, solid, relationship oriented men – the guys who are over the drama of dating hot, crazy women. Guys who want to date hot, crazy women aren’t really good relationship bets, so you shouldn’t worry too much when they disappear.

Anyway, every normal guy has had the experience of dating someone attractive and then breaking up with her. The physical is what pulls us in, but there’s a high price to pay for this kind of dysfunctional relationship.

You’ve probably done the same thing: been so drawn by attraction that you never looked up and considered that you’re always fighting, you’re always breaking up, and that, in between the great sex, there’s very little peace and contentment.

Are men drawn to smart, strong, successful women? You bet. The same way that you’re drawn to smart, strong, successful men. Really. Those characteristics are universally attractive and are considerable assets to you.

But where women and men often diverge is that we’re looking for different things. You’re looking for a man who is taller, stronger, smarter, funnier, wealthier.

We’re not. We’re looking for what we doesn’t have ourselves, what we can’t get at work, what we can’t get from our male friends: warmth, compassion, kindness, generosity, femininity.

Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.

And if we don’t get all of that, we’re going to find a woman who does.

That’s why it doesn’t matter how impressive you are. You could be a Rhodes Scholar/TopChef/Supermodel, but if we constantly feel criticized, micromanaged, unattractive, emasculated, pressured and undermined, we’re gonna move on.

So when you’re trying to assess how to keep a guy around, remember:

Men are about feelings, not about looks.

Make us feel like a million bucks and we’re not going anywhere.

If you’ve struggled to understand and connect with the “right” men, do yourself a favor and put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so that you’ll get first notification when my new book comes out.

More importantly, it’ll take you to a special report I just created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable, challenging and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more video updates in coming weeks…

Also be sure to offer your thoughts on my video in the comments section below and have an amazing week!

Comments:

61

Amy

At the risk of raining on everyone’s parade, I found this article to be fairly sexist. There are some truths to it and it’s nice to know not all men are about looks but this post implies that if you are attractive and smart and men leave you, it’s most likely your fault because you treated him poorly and if we fall all over a guy and be the best girlfriend we can be, we will snag a guy. What about how WE want to be treated? Shouldn’t both partners strive to make the other feel good? I am a great girlfriend who also happens to be very attractive and successful — but I’m also kind, warm and feminine. I go out of my way to be supportive and show my man I care. But I also stand up for myself and ask for the things I need and want. Time and time again I’ve had guys break up with me, saying they just aren’t in love with me, or they can’t make me happy, they aren’t ready for a relationship (after they’ve aggressively pursued me) or whatever reason of the day — sometimes they just disappear. Then I see them go on to get engaged to someone else. It’s not always something we DO or DON’T DO. I don’t think there’s a magic ticket. I guess when it’s right, it just is. And it will continue to be wrong until it’s right.

My whole business is based on telling women how they deserve to be treated, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

But to be clear, telling women that they may be, in part, responsible for why things don’t work out isn’t sexist. It’s the exact same commonsense approach you’d offer to a man who got dumped by his girlfriend and wanted to learn why.

I think Amy was referring to a man who doesn’t reciprocate the love and affection. Recently I had a breakthrough to realize that if a man gets defensive and mean, it’s because he doesn’t value me. So I have to value myself. I have to work extra hard to take great care of myself and feel good about who I am. I don’t want anger or fear getting in the way of my happiness. My intention is to feel great when I’m with someone. I always respect them and treasure them. Then he whines about something, I make a suggestion on how to fix it, and he gets defensive and emasculated. I realized that he was just emotionally immature in contrast to me and my life experiences.

Hi Andi – You said ” I always respect them and treasure them. Then he whines about something, I make a suggestion on how to fix it, and he gets defensive and emasculated.”

It’s hard to listen to someone complain and resist the urge to jump in and fix it, but sometime people just want to VENT. Offering a fix often feels like criticism Women often complain when their hubbies/boyfriends try to “fix” their problems when all they really wanted was for someone to listen. I know I hate it when I just want to vent, and anyone just jumps in with “You should do this, or you should do that”

When anyone in my life vents, I don’t offer a solution unless they very specifically ask me “What should I do ?”. I will usually just say “I’m sorry you had such a rough day” or “I can understand why you’re so angry, I think anyone would be ” or some such thing and give them a hug. I don’t just do this with my husband, this is how I listen to my friends vents as well. Usually after I let my friend vent about whatever, eventually they will sigh and say something to comfort themselves like “Well, it’s over now, and . . .” Sometime people just need to be heard, not fixed.

61.2

Karl R

Amy,

Let’s say a man came here and claimed:

1. He’s a great boyfriend.

2. He’s attractive and successful.

3. He’s kind and warm.

4. He’s masculine.

5. He goes out of his way to be supportive and show his lady that he cares.

6. He stands up for himself and asks for the things he needs and wants.

7. Women pursue relationships with him.

8. Time and time again, women break up with him (after they get to know him better).

9. Those women claim they’re not ready for a relationship (after pursuing a relationship with him).

10. Later the women get engaged to other men.

11. The women aren’t dumping him because of anything he does.

12. The women aren’t dumping him because of anything he doesn’t do.

Would you believe that man? I certainly wouldn’t. Seriously? He’s allegedly the perfect boyfriend, pursued by women, but then the women dump him time and time again, and the breakups have nothing to do with him?

Have you ever dumped a man who was that perfect? But it happens to this guy all the time.

Either that man is lying, or he’s deceiving himself. And that’s my assessment of your claims.

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