Thursday, February 27, 2014

Single Musings

I was on my way to the parking area when I realized that it
has been a week from the time I celebrated my anniversary of being single. How can
I forget, February 17? How can I forget the poignant moment of my life when
everything got settled into parting ways? But prior to that, I was so stressed
with work that there was really a hint of me being absent for at least a day. So I am absent today. Right now, as I type the
remaining body of this blog, I’m quite feverish. However, this shouldn’t stop me from writing what
I feel I need to write. It’s long overdue and I’m not giving myself a favor if I
miss this chance, this moment.

So going back to my story… as I’m turning on Bamba’s engine,
I kinda’ contemplated the year that was. I think one important facet of that
year was the moment I had with the family. Since they are a source of strength and
inspiration, I often draw the passion from them. I feel that for every step I do,
every achievement I have, I bring forth pride in them. More paramount I guess
is the fact that they’ve been supportive of me in every endeavor I have. October
was when I outed myself to my sister, and never did I feel indifference. In fact, I never have to out myself to my
parents, because sister already confirmed that they know what I’ve gone through
with ex. There’s just immense joy in that, and I draw from that feeling the
willingness to move on with my life.

Then we have friends. How can I survive if not for friends?
The words of encouragement, subtle schooling and bullying did help in some
ways. It’s not just the happy moments you spent together as a group, but it’s
more of the support you get from this people that matters. That whatever you
are going through, they rarely judge you. It’s a revelation to have meet and be
close to some people I never thought I will be very close with. You have Pareng
L who was ex’s previous best friend. I’m not sure what happened but with some
stroke of the universe, we clicked on a lot of things and it turns out that we’re
like twins. Though I won’t compete on who-has-the-longest-hair contest, he has
been like a repository of my dark secrets. Feels like he knows everything about
me… well, lately. Honestly, Barakos
(someone coined this name to my blogger’s group), has been instrumental to my “moving-on”
chapter. The fact that I can tell everything to them, means a lot. I love
them.

This was also the time I rekindled my friendship to some of
my long-lost friends. Who would have thought I can gain strength from my high
school friends. They’ve been very supportive as well. But more importantly,
they have imparted some sort of wisdom. They have their own families but I still
feel that they look after me at some point.

Then you have a best friend in the office. You know what
they say that you don’t mix friendship and business together? Apparently, it’s
not applicable to my co-manager friend. We have our ups and downs and
lunch-date misses, but then again, we look after each other’s welfare in the
office. We have nurtured a connection. We’re like shock-absorbers for each
other.

I feel that my foundation at this point is family and
friends. And I personally feel that it’s the right route. That however cheesy
as it may sound, it’s just the primordial thing at this point.

This was also a year of unending blessings from the
universe. I’m really thankful for a lot of things that have happened after the
break-up.

We’ll to say the least, I feel I’m blessed to have meet
several guys in my attempt to find the perfect guy. A lot of school of thoughts
lingers to me in this aspect. For one, I’ve learned that it’s better to work on
yourself first while you are single so that the right person will come along. I
agree. Been there done that. Am I still a work in progress? I think so. Do I have
the right people to give me feedback and advice? I think so too. It’s great to
change for the better, I embrace this dogma, and I hope people close to me will
not hesitate to provide honest feedback.

Be the person you want to meet. It’s like telling, attract someone
with your own personality. Sometimes I feel it’s like a BS. But come to think
of it, when you are in a relationship you want to be respected so you show the
same respect. It’s easy to comprehend yet there were moments I was selfish. Like
I want this, I want that… Those pesky standards I placed into guys, when all I know,
those same standards can be the same standards I will be measured upon. Funny truth.

This time around, I’m sure I’ve done my part as a single
citizen of the world.

I’ve loved myself and brought back self-worth. Confidence is
something that can’t be questioned. I can be upfront when situation arises. I can
be observant when I need to decipher and sort things out. I can be wherever I want
to be. It’s this feeling of control to my destiny that brings me the most “high.”
This concludes the fact that I’ve experienced happiness in both sides – being single
and being in a relationship.

Whatever
the case maybe, I think my own happiness is non-negotiable.

So now, I’m not sure what’s in store for me in the future. If
it entails another heart break, so be it. If I was able to bear it at some
point, I don’t think it will be harder the next time around. If it entails a
blissful success, I’ll be very thankful in every second of my life. I think it
takes a lot of maturity to accept whatever risk we have to take. It takes
maturity to know when to stop and know the consequences. I’m on that stage
right now.

A plethora of things and tasks are still in the pipeline. As
long as there is something to do and to look forward to, I’m ok.

4 comments:

But being single is not really that bad. This entry just made me realize that I've been single for almost five years. In those 5 years, no romantic entanglements, no dates, not even a one night stand. No, there's nothing wrong with me. Well, I still have to verify that with a therapist. And yes, I am a person of anomalous existence.

But in those five years, i've been to places, met lots of people from all over Europe, did many things in local politics, religious communities, studies, published a short story, cultivated my little blog, changed schools and ended up an undergrad drop-out, got a job in a bank and then got axed because of the fucking crisis, then found a new job and now promoted as manager, and then road trips, and one concert to another. I'm not getting laid though. But it's fun. I've had quite some fun.

Being single is not really that bad. You have the luxury of doing many things and do stuff with many other people without limitations or be held back by a romantic commitment. Or maybe it's just me.

But the thing is, sometimes it gets lonely. Even in the evenings, when there's nobody else to warm your bed. And the joy of knowing that you're loved, and even feel it on your skin, and taste it with your lips.

So here i am, an epaloid glorifying the virtues of the blessed singlehood when you're talking about your past relationship. It gets better, really. If that guy was never really meant for you then probably you will find the one as you move on. You've got to move on or you'll be stuck in the limbo of those who are in despair.

Indeed in dark times you find unusual friends. It's really nice that you still keep in touch with your highschool friends. When one is broken-hearted you simply can't remain alone and miserable. Life's for sharing too. And you are blessed because you have parents who are exerting great efforts to understand you. It shows how much you are really loved. They are there to give you love when you've lost it all.

And as for friendship and business, well, i think it's essential to establish good relationship with friends at work. It can be crucial for future promotions and important in making your life and your job a lot less like hell.

"it’s better to work on yourself first while you are single..." i couldn't agree more. I think as we advance in years we learn more in our experiences in life and it makes us more stable and stronger. But certain things are best learned with someone else. Attitude and character are changed and defined when you live your life with somebody special. Di ba, iron sharpens iron? HEhehehe...

I'm done with setting standards. Because first of all, I myself fail to meet my own standard. Setting standards is just a selfish. I think. Besides, we didn't create humans, so why set standards when you yourself was never shaped by your own will?

You're lucky that you are aware that you on the stage of maturity. Ako siguro, kailangan ko pa rin mag-level up....