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Archive for December, 2005

President Bush today called on all Americans to divide into shirts and skins for a nation-wide game of pick-up basketball. Bush named himself and vice-president Dick Cheney team captains and quickly began choosing players. Bush, who will lead the shirts team, chose Washington, DC, citizen Michael Jordan first, while Cheney, who will lead the skins team, chose longtime crony David J. Lesar, President and CEO of Halliburton Enegry Services, who has no previous basketball experience. Though many Americans are eagerly looking forward to the game, approximately 32 million citizens admitted they were worried about getting picked last.

Millions of middle and upper class Americans marked the anniversary of the Jesus Christ’s birth today by exchanging gifts with their fellow middle and upper class American friends and loved ones, each happily giving to those who already have plenty, and receiving gifts designed to make their already cushy and extravagant lives slightly more cushy and extravagant. Meanwhile billions of other human beings struggled to survive another day without starving to death.

In keeping with their annual tradition, Rev. Smith’s family sent him out on a wild goose chase today. “Don’t come back to the house until you’ve secured us a wild goose for Christmas dinner,” solemnly instructed his grandfather. Smith dutifully put on his hunting cap, equipped himself with tazer gun and a net, and set out into sub-freezing temperatures to scour area suburbs. The wild goose has proven an elusive prey for Smith. He has yet to catch one in his twenty-seven years of trying. Unwilling to come back to his family empty-handed, Smith generally waits until the day after Christmas to return home where by this time he is often greeted by jubilant laughter and wished better luck next year.

Today everyone knows the stories of Santa, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman, and Tim Allen. But did you know that Christmas was once celebrated as the birthday of Jesus Christ? In The Brick Testament: The Story of Christmas, renown author Brendan Powell Smith retells this fascinating and seldom-considered story using direct quotes from the Bible and illustrations created entirely from LEGO bricks. This handsome hardcover book makes a perfect gift for anyone who need a gentle reminder of what makes December 25 so special (Jesus and/or LEGOs, depending on your beliefs).

I’m going to be honest and tell you right now Vendetta: A Christmas Story is the best holiday film that has ever been made. If I didn’t believe that will all my heart, I would never have let Santa Claus boot me in the sack like that. And now the only thing more explosively awesome than Vendetta itself is the fact that director and costar of the film, Jonathan Field, is giving away free copies of the DVD to anyone who sends him a self-addressed stamped envelope. Why? Because he’s just that awesome. So if you need a little something to jolt you into the Christmas spirit this year, head on over to vendettachristmas.com, relax, and just let the awesomeness wash over you.

It has been said that Hinduism is a religion with 330 million gods. Better make that 330,000,001. This week, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was officially inducted to the Hindu pantheon where he will be worshipped as a god of iconoclasm. Indian president Amitabh Bachchan was present this morning for the groundbreaking ceremony of the first mandir devoted to Rev. Smith. While Smith will be the primary deity, other gods will have smaller shrines at the temple, including Hanuman, Ganesh, and Kali. For reasons as yet unclear, Smith will be depicted with five faces and three arms, or alternatively represented by a lingam.