Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I will often start reading a book one weekend, not finishing it, and starting another one a few days later. 2 weeks ago I started reading Gandhi’s autobiography and became extremely connected to it. It brought forward contrasting pieces of my childhood and made me think about who I am and who I was. I was sure that I would spend every spare moment I had reading that book. While I was reading it I couldn’t figure out how I was going to function knowing that book was there waiting for me. But then, there was another project which needed another book.

Like Gandhi’s there are a few books that I have started and need to go back to. I usually remember reading them and realize that this is the time to consider them again. I hated Atonement the first time I started to read it and a year later it became one of my favorites. When I go back to them, they’re still there, even if there was a long span of time from the last time I turned the pages until now.

I also know that through all the craziness, it’s often nice to take a chunk of time in your week and set it aside for an old book. Something like The Hobbit or Jane Eyre; I like to choose my favorite part and just focus on that and nothing else. I see how I’ve changed since the last time I’ve read it. I know how wonderful a good book, like good friend, can make you feel.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Today was about retouching some of the chipping paint of me. Of all the movies I own I pulled out Michael Apted’s Amazing Grace. I love Wilberforce’s passion about life and his conviction to fight for what he believes in. The love that he has for the people around him and the animals he has. (I don’t know anything about the man other than this movie… I suppose I should keep looking.)

Today I was watching the cars go by the window and the tiny bits of snow falling down and thought about how safe it all was. About how the worst thing about B’town was that it was boring and they’ve dug up the main street.

For two years I lived on the bad end of the city. I would pass by people in many different states of inebriation, I was asked once if I “wanted to go for a ride” in a big white van. I passed police tape, homeless shelters, and soup kitchens to get home. Things to fight for were around me and I was only able to fight for me. In B’town, things are cleaner. It's easy to forget that there are still things in the world I can be passionate about changing.

I know about surviving depression, knock on wood that my life keeps getting better and the curtains keep opening to the sunrise. I’m passionate about animal and human rights but keep my opinions to myself, so I don’t to upset others, or show my short comings. But maybe now that life is getting better I can start stepping out and learning about things around me, hearing what has been covered up to make my world look beautiful. Starting point, charity group at work; they’re in touch with different organizations around town. Start small, with what is close and with people I know…

William Wilberforce: It's God. I have 10,000 engagements of state today but I would prefer to spend the day out here getting a wet arse, studying dandelions and marveling at... bloody spider's webs.

Richard the Butler: You found God, sir?

William Wilberforce: I think He found me. You have any idea how inconvenient that is? How idiotic it will sound? I have a political career glittering ahead of me, and in my heart I want spider's webs.

Richard the Butler: [sitting down next to WW] "It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else and still unknown to himself." Francis Bacon. I don't just dust your books, sir.

I don't have a song today; if you're adventurous look for Tara MacLean's "Generation Z"

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I remember buying a little chest of ... drawers once and I was so intrigued by it, the colour of it, and I thought, this, if I let it could be the beginning of a new life for me, if I follow the message of this new set of drawers and built everything else around that, that would be a different life. Daniel Lanois.

I have this heart, beating inside my chest; I want to build my life around the gifts it sends every day.

The books I love to read. The music I love to listen to. The people who I draw to me and who are drawn. The food I love to make and eat. The dreams I explore and that push me forward.

The universe has not stopped sending me gifts; the universe has only just started to send me love.

Monday, November 22, 2010

This is real. This is me, right here, right now. It's not a story or a poem or a fantasy. It's me. I'm here. I'm breathing. I have a real job, I have a home that I love being in. I have friends that I like to share my time with. I'm living my life.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It’s the oldest one in the book. Follow your heart. But which voice is the heart?

I needed to scrape away all the other voices. What my friends said, the voice that said reach out and grab it and don’t let go till it’s yours and you have what’s in your head. The low self esteem that says I’m not worth it and that I’m a freak; the good kind though. The voice that said I'm being laughed at when I reach out; a voice that’s being healed by friends.

The voice of my heart has always been there, out in front of the others. Through all the chaos it’s remained constant. Take care of myself, and take care of those around me in the process. Share what I’ve learned, listen to what others say and love.

I take care of myself and take care of my friends as if they were me, I don’t use them and I’m honest with them. We like each other for who we are.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I’ve been struggling since All the Pretty Horses to find something that grabs me. Nothing has. There are a lot of books I want to read.

I sat down with a book about writing poetry. Creating Poetry by John Drury. I told them at the bookstore that I wanted something about writing poetry. Bird by Bird was suggested. I have Bird By Bird. I wanted to look back at the inns and outs of poetry, more mechanics. At the bookstore the owners went through the Writer’s Digest catalogue until we found this book. I’m interested in it; it’s what I’m supposed to read right now.

I have a bookshelf full of books to read. When that book and I match up in time and space, I will read it. That is why, when people ask me how many of them I’ve read I say half. I’ve read half; that half I want to hold on to . The other half are there for when I’m ready; when I feel it, when we connect.

My choicesSo opposite Of who I believe I am But I wear them in defianceUntil I’m the personI feel I should be

I have a special blanketOn the couchI bought it10 years agoIt was the kind The hotel used I felt so special To have the same blanket As a fancy hotel

My living room Is designed For the freedom Of imaginationWithout realizingI slip into a world Of day dreaming

Let me tell youI tried so hard To build a relationship With myselfSo I couldLet others in

No matter what I tried Food and depression Would shake up All the logic I tried to teach Friends would push Me in a safe direction I would bounce right back

And now I let youWonder around My houseMy apartmentMy ideas

Lets both goTo the day dreamWe’re eating French toast; Because it’s a day dreamWe’re on a deck Overlooking the Eiffel TowerI’ve chosen youYou’re here Right now

We each have a mimosa In our hands We laugh and cheer “Here’s to being spoiled”

And you say Come backThere’s more To being spoiledThan shoesAnd day dreams

And there may beMore miles Of healingAnd realityYet to come

Because of this poem, I took the overflow of books off the shoe rack and asked for a second bookshelf for my birthday. If it wasn’t my birthday I would have bought a bookshelf anyway. I then used the shoe rack for shoes- go figure right?

I am now taking extra time on the weekend to organize for the week, even if it means missing out on some play time. Although Mama Duncan did organize the office side of my couch for me.

Last but not least there is the ever present vow to see the reality of the moment rather than slip off in a day dream; unless I can turn it into writing. Tink and the secret keeper will probably be the ones to get updates on the day dreams, trust me I’m in good hands.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

#1 took one side of the bin at the second hand clothing store, and I took the other. We owned the Bin. No one came in and tried to mess up our sorting style. Well one little lady picked up a few pieces and walked away; hence the nick-name.

I’m learning not everyone does second hand cloths shopping like I do. When I went with Tink she came out with 2 or 3 items. #1 walked away with a skirt some comfy pants and a shirt I think, the lady in front of us had a purse and a book.

I did not walk out of there with one or two items. I like to scoup cloths up, see their colours and their cut and rescue them from a life in the bin. I like that the cloths I get there are unique and cheap. I had things that I was looking for and found. Fancy pin stripped dress pants for $2.00.

Plus, we’re going business casual at work, so I can’t always depend on my jeans.

#1 and I split up at the mall. I needed to pick up stuff at the drug store and she had mall stuff to do. I walked out and looked around. I was alone. I took a deep breath and got back into the Frosty Zone, where it’s OK to be alone.

I was very glad that I enjoyed a day with a friend.

I found this video this morning. I rewrote this blog a few times to take the joke off being a bully, because in the cases we hear about today, it's much worse then two girls hogging a bin on a slow sunday afternoon.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Last night I hung out the team leads from work. We proceeded to laugh and tell stores and hear stories until 1:00 in the morning. There was even food I could eat. I dare say, you’ve never heard anyone get so excited over a vegetable tray; with a chorus of “there you go Frosty, get your own plate.”

Today I went to the independent bookstore down the street. I go there to order my books now. They’re nice and friendly. Today the owner laughed and laughed over a Christmas gift I ordered. Then he walked out of the office with the three books I had previously ordered. Three big, juicy, wordy books with shiny covers; I know my eyes got wide and glossy when I saw them. Two of them I ordered without seeing them first, or knowing that much about them. When I saw them I knew I had done right; we were made for each other.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I was empowerd by the "what if" question. In elementary school our grade six teacher said "don't ask me a question if it starts with what if." My writer of a teacher many years later always said "what if" but who knew it would take 20 years to understand the beauty of "what if."

What if I touched his hand? Would lighting run through my arm?

What if this rain never stops and my sneakers never dry and my feet permanantly wrinkle.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What if roses bloomed all winter?Their petals softTheir hearts fragrantAgainst the crystal snow

It was a tough day, I captured this tweet in the morning You have the power to make your day the best possible. You can always control your thoughts/action/emotions. I am beyond depression now, I was given sadness and I sorted my way through it. I have the power to take those silly little stresses and make them positives right away. I had the power to take tiny frustrations and turn them to smiles today.

I'm not going to share music tonight. In 1985 1986 I saw an interview that has stuck with me for 24 years. Tonight I found it on you tube and sent it to my friend. I don't know how to put a video on a blog so it looks like a video so I'll continue to hide it in the words.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Maybe it has to really hurt. Maybe there comes a point in your life or maybe there are many, where you can’t get angry and walk away from everything in a stew, you can’t shut it out and say it doesn’t matter, you can’t make a joke about it and have it all go away. Maybe it just hurts for a while.

I couldn’t run on Thursday night. I needed that energy to work my feelings out. Life isn’t just taking baby steps right now, it’s coming at me full force.

Like, I’m not just rereading what I’ve written, trying to make it sound good, I’m learning things about me from secrets in the text. I look forward to the days to come where there is safety again, or maybe, I’ve said good bye to safety for a while; “bring it.” But right now there are challenges that have come up that haven’t been previously scheduled or imagined.

I’ve never once thought: maybe I wasn’t ready. I’ve never thought this wasn’t a good idea.

I’ve learned a lot over the last little while. I was under the illusion that if you kept learning things about yourself that it would be a positive experience, that you would only be stronger and “wiser.” It’s not like an episode of Oprah where she jumps up saying “isn’t that wonderful ‘A Ha’ moment?” There are parts that really take a toll on me as I look at myself face to face, and in the eyes of strangers.

This is the first time I’ve switched a job and I wasn’t angry, I didn’t hate the job, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t want to run away from the people because there were things to hide. I recognized the newness about getting a promotion in an organization and now I realize there is also a lot emotionally going on with the change as well.

Yesterday, I woke up early. I had time in the morning to just sit and relax, before I went to work. I haven’t done that since I jumped into the 9:00 am start. I had a moment to sit on the couch and look out the window. I knew I was going to see a movie with my favorite girls. 1.5 and I exchanged work e-mails all day. So I felt connected; surrounded. When I came home I made a phone call to Tink, no panic attacks or second thoughts. The movie was hilarious. I love watching movies with these girls because we get there early to talk. We all laugh and then we laugh at each other laughing. I had a good day and I had a good night.

There are a lot of hard times yet to come. There are also more good moments to come.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I wasn’t going to write a blog tonightI probably shouldn’tI said “Self, curl upAnd read about writing.Or just read.”

Side trackedI read the Mimosa over andRealized there wasA great amount of sadnessIn the wordsA loneliness to what I thoughtWas a greatness of independenceOf what being spoiled wasOf what happens to a person When they are truley spoiled

I said "Self some of the things thatHave been making you cryAre celebrated here and make you lonely as well." I can see I have put my "love" intoAnd why it makes me sad lately.

I totally re-wrote it again.And didn't repost becauseI will redo it againProbably tomorrow

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I posted Crazy Dream a few days ago, it came alive. I posted Mimosa after that, to let it free, so I could think about it. It doesn't live like Crazy Dream, so I'm going to mess around with it, make it come a live. Tonight I wrote out what it really is, the honesty of it.

It’s just me in my apartment so sometimes there are papers scattered everywhere. I put them on the floor, the coffee table is lined with music books. My journals and works in progress along with some recipes are sitting on half the couch. It’s quite an explanation if a friend comes over unexpectedly, here let me move that for you, oh, I’d rather you not read it. The other half of my couch is for me.

In the summer I take my shoes off at the door and they all line the hall. The sneakers, the flip flops with dragon flies, the pretty pink ones that are made of cloth so tender and opposite of who I believe I am but I wear them in defiance. I feel happy when I see all of them lined up; all the colours, all the designs.

Sometimes I just sit on my couch and without realizing it, I look around at the peace and comfort I have and slip into a world of day dreaming. My living room has been designed for the freedom of imagination.

Often I will read a book or follow a new blog instead of cleaning the kitchen. I push the envelope as to what is acceptable. I have special blankets on the couch, the throw with the orange kitten, or the blanket I bought 10 years ago because it was the kind the hotel used. I felt so special to have the same blanket as a fancy hotel.

I tried so hard to build a relationship with myself over the years. No matter what I tried food and depression would shake up all the logic I tried to teach it. My friends would push me in a safe direction and I would bounce right back. It’s only been the last couple years when things have started to make sense. I’m learning to hear myself and hear others.

Let me take you back to that day dream. I’m eating French Toast; because it’s a day dream and I can eat whatever I want in a day dream. We’re on a deck overlooking the Eiffel Tower, I’ve chosen you, because you’re here with me now. We each have a mimosa in our hands and we laugh and cheer “Here’s to being spoiled.”

Monday, November 1, 2010

I bought an Oprah Magazine last weekend; this weekend I devoured it. I stopped buying it about a year ago because there's really not a lot in it that I like. I only really like the Martha Beck article, maybe an article or two after that. I usually can't eat the food and have no desire to order any of the things advertised in it.

This weekend I had time, lots of time. I took a cab ride home from the groceries so I only made one trip. I didn't need to go to anyplace special and the plans I had for Sunday were canceled due to the weather. I wrote and read and read and wrote and ate. On Sunday I had no vegetables which meant less prep time, more writing and reading (long live nachos and soy cheese). As I thumbed through the articles in the big O I heard the positive affirmations over and over again. I realized this is something I love. I eat it up. This is something I want to live, I want to pass along.

The magazine was all about changing you career and following your intuition. I know that I love to write. Until a month ago I earned my income writing e-mails. Now is a chance to take the things that I’ve learned about being positive and encouraging people. I can use this to monitor calls.

I guess on the first day of the month it’s pretty slow. A monitor can’t be done from the month before even if it was yesterday. So I had some free time while the calls came in. So I reread my manual and rewrote all my notes. I wasn’t even consciously thinking about what I read.

My boss wrote me later saying a certain comment was not what we’re looking for, why don’t we do it better. At which point I replied that “I got rid of it this morning.” Synchronicity maybe? I was a little rusty in the beginning, but maybe I’ll get my positive eyes back. I can look at my notes tomorrow as I read them aware of what I’ve read this weekend and in the past.

I had the choice to go out partying. But I felt so centered on Saturday that I stayed in. I was lonely on Sunday, but I saw today how it all panned out. Next weekend the movies maybe?

About Me

I write and sing. I have an awesome writing group and music teachers that help me song write and sing even on the bad days. I have two cats Izzy and Tini. And continue to write myself out of depression.