BOING! ROY BOUNCES BACK

Highly respected middle-management type Nice Roy Hodgson had enjoyed a glittering 35-year career, having won the 1978 Shippams Paste Shield with Halmstad, got to the final of the 1982 John West Tuna Chunks In Brine Fotbollkupp at Viking, and impressed many English journalists while at Internazionale by ordering a pizza in a restaurant using only Italian. And last summer, these spectacular achievements finally earned him what he both deserved and coveted most: a big job in England. "Gertcha," he laughed as he settled into the manager's chair at Anfield, "a plush office of my own at last! I've got my name on the door, a big comfy chair, and a massive desk and pens and pencils and a flip chart on which to write facile nonsense and other assorted items of stationery and everything. I've made it now, and no mistake."

But it wasn't long before the dream turned sour, and Nice Roy had accidentally punched several holes in his tie, stapled a blotting pad to his earlobe, and rubbed his face so hard a spark flew off, setting fire to the flip chart and the trousers he was wearing. "Gawf!" he cried, as he ran round his office in demented circles while Liverpool plunged towards the relegation places, almost as though he'd been winging it for years and, having been found out, had absolutely no effing idea what to do next, "this is all the fault of Rafael Benítez, Gerard Houllier, Phil Taylor, Don Welsh, Joe Cole, and especially those pesky kids who I picked to play against Northampton, the ungrateful little scrotes!"

Sadly, Nice Roy's bosses at Liverpool didn't listen to this reasoned argument, and after taking the opportunity afforded by the flaming emergency to beat Nice Roy about the legs with heavy sticks for several minutes, marched the highly respected middle manager off the premises and sent him skittering down Walton Breck Road on the charred seat of his pants, issuing beneficial advice regarding opportunities to come back while they did so.

But you can't keep a good chancer down, and today Nice Roy took over at West Bromwich Albion, where he will replace former boss Roberto Di Matteo's attractive but ineffectual passing game with a more pragmatic but ineffectual hoofing style. Nice Roy has committed himself wholly to the West Brom cause by signing a massive one-and-a-half year contract, and will take over from caretaker boss Michael Appleton after tomorrow's relegation six-pointer against West Ham, therefore absolving himself of any blame should that go nipples up.

He will then, if his behaviour in the north-west is any guide, spend the next couple of months desperately trying to gain the approval of Mick McCarthy at the expense of his own players and the fans of the club who pay his wages.

All eyes will then be on the visit of Liverpool to the Hawthorns in early April, when the highly respected middle manager will take credit for any points the Baggies earn, or plaudits for his part in building The New Liverpool should the visitors trolley West Brom 5-0 as they usually do.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"They're a great club, good luck to them. It ain't gonna work, but good luck to them" – Lord Sugar offers his most sincere congratulations to West Ham after the Olympic Park Legacy Company confirmed them as the preferred bidders for the Olympic Stadium.

LAWNMOWER MAN'S WILDEAN QUIPS

Few acts are as cowardly and childish as using the internet as a medium through which to gratuitously mock, ridicule or abuse football clubs, their players, managers or supporters. Your favourite football tea-time email has never been reduced to such cheap shots in its quest for giggles, but it is perhaps a sign of the times that not everyone who earns their living from football is able to show similar restraint.

It was with great regret that we learned today that a member of Manchester City's ground staff had devoted his Facebook page to taking potshots at Manchester United ahead of tomorrow's derby between the two sides. As well as using a photo of a wall daubed in anti-United graffiti as his personal profile picture, lawnmower man Ged Coyne's numerous Wildean quips included a description of a certain socialist knight of the realm as "Alex purple-headed Ferguscum", and the renaming of Old Trafford as "the Theatre of Complete Tosspots". Coyne also referred to the Manchester branch of the Australia-themed Walkabout bar as a "s**thole"; perhaps the only sentiment expressed on his Facebook page upon which supporters of both teams could agree.

While he might have expected to have been rewarded for his loyalty to his employers, upon admitting he was behind the anti-United abuse, Coyne was instead rather sternly admonished by City of Manchester Stadium suits and quickly closed the page down. By way of explanation he said it was just "banter", an excuse for incorrigible behaviour now so widespread it's only a matter of time before some serial killer walks free after using it as a defence in a high profile murder trial.

While the tawdry tale serves as a perfect illustration of the dangers of anti-social networking and how far too many fans and football clubs take themselves far too seriously, perhaps the most amusing aspect of the whole debacle is the news that Manchester City have produced a booklet for staff reminding users of sites such as Facebook and Twitter about their responsibilities when it comes to keyboard-generated badinage and how important it is not to embarrass their clubs on the internet. In the event of any disgruntled City employee being good enough to post us a copy, the Fiver will happily do the dirty for you by publishing the contents online.

DOUBLE YOUR MONEY WITH BLUE SQUARE!

FIVER LETTERS

"What Levy was up to in the South Atlantic (yesterday's Fiver) is 'unclear' because the earth (or at least the Bahamas) must have moved for him. Last time I did geography (which admittedly was 50 years ago) the Bahamas were just off the coast of Florida, in the North Atlantic" - Jim Davies (and 1,056 others).

"When you say England are 'naturally now favourites to win Euro 2012 and the 2014 and 2018 World Cups' (yesterday's Fiver), is the omission of Euro 2016 in France an example of the Fiver's anti-Gallic bias. If so, keep up the good work" - Brian Saxby.

"Re: 'Jack Wilshere's rare gift of being English and being able to pass the ball to someone else who is English is quite promising' (yesterday's Still Want Mores), not for Arsene it isn't. He's going to need to clone Theo isn't he? And as a Sunderland fan, I trust Steve Bruce will be making full use of our English contingent next time we face the Gunners, in order to maximize the potential benefits" - Stephen Gibb.

"I will only be able to stand Juan more day of these Mexican puns before I lose interest" - Matthew Purchase.

"Re: today's story that 'West Ham have beaten off competition'. I know we should expect some tawdry activities, but surely this is going too far?" - Neale Redington.

BITS AND BOBS

It's not all good news raand East Laaahndan way after on-loan Spurs striker Robbie Keane was ruled out for six weeks with calf-knack. On the day of the Olympic Stadium announcement? Funny that.

Kenny Dalglish has moved to divert Pepe Reina's attention away from Old Trafford and back to his job as being the jumpy Liverpool stopper. "We have a fantastic goalkeeper and he will be here for a long, long time," he said, not that The Fiver or anyone else cares about Brad Jones.

The good news for Chelsea fans is that Carlo Ancelotti has learnt to subtract one from three. The bad news for Chelsea fans is that he probably won't do it anytime soon. "We have to use the time we have [to help them gel]," said Ancelotti as he sprayed Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka with glue and shoved them into a phone box.

STILL WANT MORE?

Xavi shares his love for Paul Scholes and English football while making passing seem like a religion in this beautiful interview conducted by Sid Lowe.

James Richardson and his plucky co-star, a piece of carrot cake, round up this week's European press. It's in video too (not available in Betamax).