A Handbook for the Spiritual Journey

Advice to the Grandchildren on Transitioning to Adulthood

I wrote this on the morning of January 5, 2019 to the three oldest granddaughters. They range in age from one being in her last semester of grad school, the next is doing an internship at the end of her junior year, and the third is entering her second semester as a freshman. They are on the brink of assuming control of their lives with all that implies.

I’m writing from the vantage point of having officially completed 74 years upon the earth today, and am stepping into my 75th year.

I take this as all the authority I need to speak to you frankly about what you all are embarking upon.

That would be your life under your own power and direction.

You all are on the cusp of a life that is up to you.

It is a responsibility that no one can lift from you.

We all stagger under the weight of our own life—

under the burden of our own choices and decisions.

You all face the agony of having to make choices you don’t want to choose.

(It is one of the tragedies of life that we do not get to choose our choices!)

Of having to make decisions you don’t want to even consider.

It is a “awful, terrible, no-good, very bad” time that is upon you.

The transition from childhood to adulthood is a traumatic period of adjustment and disorientation .

The appropriate response is to be traumatized and overwhelmed.

I recommend breathing, conscious of your breathing, very often.

Breathe into your stomach behind your navel.

Pause between your exhale and your inhale.

Count your pauses up to ten.

Do that from time to time throughout your day.

Another exercise:

Bring into your awareness all that is being forced upon you,

taken from you.

Be aware of it without being engaged with it/hijacked by it

by being aware of your response to being aware of it.

Feel how your body reacts to your awareness of your current place-in-life,

and be aware of that bodily reaction,

in addition to being aware of your present situation.

Be aware of all that you can be aware of

relative to your current place-in-life.

Just hold it in your awareness

with compassion for yourself

and with very little in the way of opinion about, or judgment of, or reaction to,

the things in your awareness.

Be aware of it all without being involved with any of it.

Then take a deep breath to the bottom of your belly in through your nose,

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4 thoughts on “Advice to the Grandchildren on Transitioning to Adulthood”

Jim, thank you for your beautiful note. Your grandchildren on the threshold of their hero’s journey and embarking on their road of trials, have your sage advise to guide them. At 43, desperately wanting to be done with growing up- I find myself finally bowing down to the truth that the name of the game is ‘growing up some more again’ and at it’s core this means ‘to be who we are, we have to embrace the agony of becoming who we are.’

None of us have the option of living life as a spectator sport and no matter who we are, we have to choose and that means we have to play. There is no denying the struggle and no escape from the burden of choosing- but I wonder if it has to be agony- at least after one has gone through a few rounds of it.

Joseph Campbell, who you quote in another instance describes true heroism as ‘going forth joyfully amidst the sorrows of the world.’ In my experience this is only possible if one is able to cultivate the ability to meet sorrow with kindness and equanimity- because that changes the mood of it all. The feeling is akin to connecting to an underground river of joy that when one listens to a sad song. I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no escaping the sorrows, fears and anxieties that come with growing up- but the practice really is how does one meet them as a connoisseur savoring moods, feelings and emotions rather than hanging on in quiet desperation.

Hi Sanjay, Thanks for your note. You are right about the agony and the joy. Joy is reserved for those who have come to terms with agony. At first there is the dichotomy/contradiction/irreconcilable differences between how we want things to be and how they are. That is the agony. Growing up is realizing (again and again) that we live with, and within, how things are and live to the best of our ability (as best we can) how we want to live given the constraints of our context and circumstances (“Negotiation and compromise, kid. Negotiation and compromise.”). At that point, we shift over into peace and joy with how things are and how we have to live to make the most of our time within the terms and conditions of our life–and that is how things are. We are at one with the way of things and accept all the givens without carrying any grievances or grudges, at peace with the whole, “going forth joyfully amidst the sorrows of the world.” There is the way things are, and there is what we can do about it, and that’s that–and coming to terms with that is having it made. The agony disappears when we no longer need it to be different than it is. That is growing up (and we have to do it again and again, until we don’t anymore).