October 31, 2011

Personal and Repugnant Politicking

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Talk about name-calling and personal attacks! The live TV debates, campaign ads and media rehashes are loaded with so many rejection messages - slights, clashes, bitterness and harsh personal salvos - you could lift them from my book "Don't Take It Personally!"

For me, the words and tone and body language bring up unpleasant memories of early bullying and other rejection situations. The dismissive posturing especially upset me. I could have easily written the dialogue from my own personal and workplace experiences. And it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I made some of the same observations during the last presidential primary campaign. Back then it was the debates between the Democrats.

And here we go again. The Republican Presidential Debate in Las Vegas was chock-full of shouting matches and innuendos. Everyone seemed to be taking something personally - and why not? It was personal!

It would be difficult not to get testy and irritated and defensive. Calling each other 'liars, and accusing each other of 'cheap shots' will do it for sure!

And defensive they got. The exchanges between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are a classic example of an all too common dynamic during conflict: 'Attack/Defend.'

When we feel attacked by someone, our instinct is to protect ourselves. And we often attack back. It can easily escalate out of control.

Whatever happened to Ronald Reagan's so-called 11th commandment? This was the rule that came into being when he felt so much intensity from personal attacks against him in the primaries. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Looking Through-the-Rejection-Lens

This commentary is not meant to be a political statement. When goings-on like these are so upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating attacks.

I'm sharing some of my observations with you as I experience them Through-the-Rejection-Lens.

I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems the ante gets upped and the bitterness intensifies with each debate.

Here's how I see the debate interactions:AccusingCriticizingCondescendingAttackingFaulting SmearingScorning SlammingUnderminingSlightingDismissing DiscountingInsultingAffrontingJudging

Do you have other descriptive words or phrases to add? What kinds of images do these rejecting words conger up for you? Do they make you wince as much as they do me?

I'd love to hear your impressions.

You can find the two most relevant blogs I wrote about the 2008 Presidential Election here:

I find it intriguing to watch each combative candidate frantically trying to puff themselves up in an attempt to look good.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so flustered, so desperate, that you might exaggerate the facts? Or even lie outright to save face? You might find yourself grasping at straws in a feeble attempt to make your point. Or maybe you were frantically searching for a way to protect yourself and could only pull up some below-the-belt accusations and innuendos. I have found myself struggling with this too many times.

You could liken the presidential debates to the kind of destructive fighting that sometimes occurs in a couples relationship or a difficult workplace conflict:

The 'Attack-Defend' dynamic is frequently present. The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes ferociously.

When a finger is pointed and someone feels blamed, the tendency is to retaliate in an effort to protect.

I see this kind of negative interaction frequently when I work with couples or mediate workplace disputes. The exchanges are laden with self-justification and accusations. They are often toxic and so is the air in the room. Neither party takes responsibility for their part. They are often loaded with 'toxicity.'

There seems to be a need to make the other person wrong and bad.

Clients also report how it reminds them of being young and how their parents used to fight. when they were young - and how fearful they were about what was gong to happen next.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

When topics are uncomfortable, instead of sticking to the issue, folks evade, deflect, and distract by veering off onto other, often irrelevant topics.

Evasiveness can be especially unsettling to those of us who grew up in families where when you ask a question you never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

From the days of the 2008 primaries, I've written commentaries about the viciousness of personal attacks in campaigning. Even though I specialize in dealing with personal attacks between people and hear hundreds of examples, the escalation of attacks during those eight months astounded me.

And here we are four years later. I'm hoping we don't get to the same kind of toxicity this time around. And yet, it seems to be galloping right along and getting worse with each debate and TV spot.

We have a whole year to go before the election. What can we expect in the next 12 months? What can we do to stop it?

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®as long as you include a complete attribution and, wheneverpossible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where andwhen the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:http://www.QueenofRejection.comor call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Comments

Personal and Repugnant Politicking

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Talk about name-calling and personal attacks! The live TV debates, campaign ads and media rehashes are loaded with so many rejection messages - slights, clashes, bitterness and harsh personal salvos - you could lift them from my book "Don't Take It Personally!"

For me, the words and tone and body language bring up unpleasant memories of early bullying and other rejection situations. The dismissive posturing especially upset me. I could have easily written the dialogue from my own personal and workplace experiences. And it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I made some of the same observations during the last presidential primary campaign. Back then it was the debates between the Democrats.

And here we go again. The Republican Presidential Debate in Las Vegas was chock-full of shouting matches and innuendos. Everyone seemed to be taking something personally - and why not? It was personal!

It would be difficult not to get testy and irritated and defensive. Calling each other 'liars, and accusing each other of 'cheap shots' will do it for sure!

And defensive they got. The exchanges between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are a classic example of an all too common dynamic during conflict: 'Attack/Defend.'

When we feel attacked by someone, our instinct is to protect ourselves. And we often attack back. It can easily escalate out of control.

Whatever happened to Ronald Reagan's so-called 11th commandment? This was the rule that came into being when he felt so much intensity from personal attacks against him in the primaries. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Looking Through-the-Rejection-Lens

This commentary is not meant to be a political statement. When goings-on like these are so upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating attacks.

I'm sharing some of my observations with you as I experience them Through-the-Rejection-Lens.

I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems the ante gets upped and the bitterness intensifies with each debate.

Here's how I see the debate interactions:AccusingCriticizingCondescendingAttackingFaulting SmearingScorning SlammingUnderminingSlightingDismissing DiscountingInsultingAffrontingJudging

Do you have other descriptive words or phrases to add? What kinds of images do these rejecting words conger up for you? Do they make you wince as much as they do me?

I'd love to hear your impressions.

You can find the two most relevant blogs I wrote about the 2008 Presidential Election here:

I find it intriguing to watch each combative candidate frantically trying to puff themselves up in an attempt to look good.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so flustered, so desperate, that you might exaggerate the facts? Or even lie outright to save face? You might find yourself grasping at straws in a feeble attempt to make your point. Or maybe you were frantically searching for a way to protect yourself and could only pull up some below-the-belt accusations and innuendos. I have found myself struggling with this too many times.

You could liken the presidential debates to the kind of destructive fighting that sometimes occurs in a couples relationship or a difficult workplace conflict:

The 'Attack-Defend' dynamic is frequently present. The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes ferociously.

When a finger is pointed and someone feels blamed, the tendency is to retaliate in an effort to protect.

I see this kind of negative interaction frequently when I work with couples or mediate workplace disputes. The exchanges are laden with self-justification and accusations. They are often toxic and so is the air in the room. Neither party takes responsibility for their part. They are often loaded with 'toxicity.'

There seems to be a need to make the other person wrong and bad.

Clients also report how it reminds them of being young and how their parents used to fight. when they were young - and how fearful they were about what was gong to happen next.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

When topics are uncomfortable, instead of sticking to the issue, folks evade, deflect, and distract by veering off onto other, often irrelevant topics.

Evasiveness can be especially unsettling to those of us who grew up in families where when you ask a question you never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

From the days of the 2008 primaries, I've written commentaries about the viciousness of personal attacks in campaigning. Even though I specialize in dealing with personal attacks between people and hear hundreds of examples, the escalation of attacks during those eight months astounded me.

And here we are four years later. I'm hoping we don't get to the same kind of toxicity this time around. And yet, it seems to be galloping right along and getting worse with each debate and TV spot.

We have a whole year to go before the election. What can we expect in the next 12 months? What can we do to stop it?

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®as long as you include a complete attribution and, wheneverpossible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where andwhen the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:http://www.QueenofRejection.comor call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.