Category Archives: New Books By Layton

Post navigation

We are the generation that is going to live forever so I know none of us really want to discuss the final chapter. The sad truth is we are witnessing friends and family falling around us and at a deeper level we all know that our time is almost up as well.

So here is why I bring this up. I had to organize my Dad’s funeral fourteen years ago but I had my mother there to tell me what he would have wanted, but when my time is up there will be no one to help my kids and I don’t want to leave them guessing. God help me if Liam chooses the music. I mean I’m sure it is great, it is just not what I want.

Yeah, I have a will that will break my estate down into small bills and distribute them, but what about my final rest resting place, the final service, what songs should be played and what will be for lunch.

I recently went to a service and the family forgot to put out triangular egg salad sandwiches with the crusts cut off. I know the deceased would have been disappointed because egg salad is a core requirement of a prairie send off. In fact some Saturdays I stop at funerals just to get one. The key is to pulling it off is just look sad and nod at other attendees.

I do want the songs, Amazing Grace, unless my buddy Duncan Brown plays the on his bag pipes. I do not want the Rock of Ages, I want the rock of ages. In fact, I want the entire celebration to rock. My second cousin had just discussed what songs she would want at her service and a few weeks later she suddenly passed at a young age. The organizers knew what songs she wanted to be played. I want that, my music, I am putting together a list, have you done so? Where do you leave it so the kids don’t find it when they are cleaning out the place months after I’m gone?

Today the trend is for cremation in fact, I discussed with my former wife that I had to be cooked between 1400 and 1500 degrees, not because I do not want to put in a place hotter than hell. Crematoriums operate between 1400 and 1800 degrees but titanium melts at 1668 degrees. The problem with this was my wife wanted the kids to each get a bracelet made from one of my ribs, (all titanium) but I wanted them to be in the original shape complete with serial number then bent and trimmed to fit.

I am now reconsidering that. Once cremated there is no evidence that we ever existed, at best we are just dust in the wind. The fake news reported last week, archeologists in Egypt found another tomb with the remains of a 4000-year-old gal, as well as writings and paintings from her time. I understand there was a large stone disc but no one has found a player in order to hear her favourite songs, although it is suspected that Midnight at the Oases may be on it, but I degress.

So now I have to shop for a coffin, I want to make sure it fits. I spent my whole life being too tall to fit in places, my final place is going to be extra long and

comfortable. What about all those sad faces in suits shown in the photo. Where can I rent people like that?

Hey instead of a coffin, what about sitting up in my hot rod? I’ll have my arm motorized to wave at everyone as I am lowered into the ground. Be sure to wave back…

So after all this preamble my question is; does anyone have final arrangement made? Who would you recommend doing his with? Referrals? I’ve never met a mortician at a network marketing event. When they do show up, they tend to stand in the corner and size people up.

Speaking of showing up, I am only going to go through this once so what day can you make it? Saturdays seem to be popular but I understand they offer Tuesday specials?