06 June 2010

heartwork

Yup, that's the logo I came up with for my new adventure, and I must say I am pretty psyched. Spent some time last night getting notes together, gathering the ideas that have been flying around inside my head, starting to think about a place-holder website-- this new project feels good. Feels like heart work. Stay tuned for more.

Week 19 starts today, can you believe it? We have the big ultrasound tomorrow (anatomy)-- again, I hope we do not find out the gender but I know it could happen. I am trying to be ok with knowing. So odd-- I am usually much better knowing than not, but in this case? I wanted to keep it mysterious for a while longer, until, say, late October.

Movements have been so much fun, so magical. By far the best part of this whole journey up until now (since the positive tests which still win).

I've gained 5 lbs, and am very happy to have no chance at all of holding in my stomach, and no way to worry about belly fat or whatever-- my body is doing what it needs to to accommodate for this amazing being, and I am humbled by the entire experience. I watch my body change with a mixture of awe and trepidation-- good lord, how big will I get? holy crap, I am already big. Big enough so people are surprised when I tell them I am due in October.And, like most women, I worry about stretch marks. But I also know that what will be will be.

I am both vain and zen. More vain, admittedly, but a wee bit zen.

Sleep is intermittent, so I am AWAKE at 4am and tired to the bone at 7...

My back aches sometimes, but nothing horrible.

I am stiff when I move after some time of stillness.

I just made plans to visit my dad in Denver for a brief weekend in early July- very very happy about this, and I planned a trip with stops so I can get up and walk.

I dread it, and am trying to figure out how to go in with my emotional guard up and firmly in place.

Just found out we need a new roof. And the realtor today confirmed what I suspected- that the house, in this economic situation, is worth considerably less than I owe. I love the house and do not want to leave it, and now-- knowing that our only option is a short sale, well, we'll do all we can to keep it.

Rental would cover less than half of the mortgage so that is not an option either.

Looking ahead to all of the good things, and trying very hard not to get discouraged by the tough stuff right now. Sometimes, sometimes I succeed.

5 comments:

Dear Kate -- thinking of you today at work and knowing you'll make it through and hoping it's not too, too awful and you can stay inside yourself to the other side of this, whatever it is. The heart is beautiful, love the logo, and can't wait to hear more about the idea. With love,Elizabeth

My big ultrasound was also this Tuesday last year. I remember going to a reunion the weekend before, and having people recognize that I was pregnant and really feeling those kicks regularly. Such a special time.

About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

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inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."