State to Sell Lake Tear of the Clouds – Enraging Environmentalists

Albany, NY – Deep in the new NYS budget is a back-room deal to sell 518 acres surrounding Lake Tear Lake of the Clouds, located on the south side of Mount Marcy, to a downstate company for $3.15 million dollars. Acid Rain Recovery, Inc. intends to harvest the unique “tears” from the lake, which has a retail market value of over $1.885 billion dollars per year.

Governor Cuomo applauded the project saying it will “Create thousands of jobs while reducing hydrogen [from acid rain] in streams, ponds and rivers of Upstate New York”. Environmentalists disagree and say the tears should remain forever wild.

Tears

President of Acid Rain Recovery, Noah Rondeau, explained that the tears found in Lake Tear of the Clouds are a special blend of hydrogen and oxygen in a two to one ratio. Latest scientific studies have shown that this ratio can be beneficial in human biology. Beyond use as artificial tears, it has been shown to be useful additive for dieting and as a recovery formula following exercise.

This unusually cold and drawn out past winter, including the media-hyped polar vortices, has increased the rate of tears found in the lake due to the effect of seasonal (winter) depression on the clouds (see SAD). In everyday language, the clouds were cold and SAD, and thus cried more tears than usual. Scientifically, colder weather increases the likelihood of the tear generation within clouds, particularly when the air temperature lowers to reach the dew-point.

Tear Rejuvenation Program

Rondeau also explained the impact of over 100 years of acid rain on Lake Tear of the Clouds. Coupled with the cold winder, the lake’s tear population was frozen solid and in dire need of rejuvenation. He suggests importing new tears from a nearby spring. He says the spring is close, but most do not believe that the spring is near enough.

Refresh Optive be re-branded as “Adirondack Mist”

The cost of tear rejuvenation program will be funded by pharmaceutical company Allergan. Allergan in exchange will recycle the tears removed from the lake for use in their artificial tear eye drops re-branded as “Adirondack Mist” (formerly Refresh Optive).

The site was chosen because of its unique near alpine elevation (4,293 ft) at the head of the Hudson River. Further, removal of the excess hydrogen ions from acid rain in the lake will purify the entire Hudson River to New York City. The DEC suggests that New York City will begin drawing drinking water directly from the Hudson in approximately 5 months.

Part of the program include damming all other streams entering the Hudson River all the way to NYC and redirecting the dam water to New Jersey. Scientist think the dam idea is stupid, but do not have a better dam idea to offer.

The Bottom Eating Acid

A worse-case scenario discussed by the DEC is the impact of the acid rain on the lake bottom. Continued exposure to the unfiltered acid has resulted in the degradation and erosion of the lake bottom. Continued erosion has caused politicians to fear the lake bottom will erode all the way to China, causing the newly dammed Hudson River to dry up.

To counteract the problem, the DEC is recommending that hikers visiting the lake carry a rock up the trail and throw it into the pond while making a wish. Rocks are available for free at the trailhead for transport, but you must sign a waiver saying that you will share 50% of your wish with the state. Millionaires will have a 110% tax.

Pile of Rocks – The state purchased the special granite rocks at a cost of $3,000 per pound.

Other Thoughts

Hiking and camping will not be impacted by the deal, but hikers should bring tissues to prevent tear contamination in the lake. The DEC has mentioned spontaneous crying is a serious environmental concern.

While normally the land deal would require a constitutional approval, Cuomo said the constitution does not apply to his ideas and issued a message of necessity, making the deal effective immediately.

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Have a happy [and hopefully not gullible] first of April. All above references are in jest only. If you enjoyed a bit of light hearted fun, please pass this along to your friends. Click your favorite social platform below to share.