Mark Patinkin: AARP will never take me alive

Thoughts at large:So $3 Bar owner Gianfranco Marrocco first claims his critics are “racist” for saying his Atwells Avenue patrons cause trouble, then says of Mayor Angel Taveras: “He wants to run the state....

So $3 Bar owner Gianfranco Marrocco first claims his critics are “racist” for saying his Atwells Avenue patrons cause trouble, then says of Mayor Angel Taveras: “He wants to run the state. He should run back to the Dominican Republic.” Setting aside that Taveras was born in New York, can Marrocco say “irony”?

Advantage #13 of living alone as a man: You’re allotted more than two drawers and a third of a closet.

The problem with unsavory news is it’s addicting. I’ve been jonesing lately for a Donald Sterling fix.

I even miss V. Stiviano.

If someone has no cell, no email and isn’t on Facebook, Twitter or any social media — do they exist anymore?

Advantage #18 of living alone as a man: No fear of being called out for putting “delicates” in the dryer … whatever delicates are.

Don’t you hate those dreams where you’re back at school walking into the final exam and you haven’t studied? Oh, and you’re naked, too.

I haven’t caved yet and won’t: AARP will never take me alive.

Everyone who agrees with Dick Cheney that we should have rushed back into Iraq, raise your hand. Anyone at all?

Advantage #22 of living alone as a man: Saving money on coasters, china and decorative soap.

Weren’t people saying Hillary was inevitable last time, too?

It always gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling when I get mail addressed to “current resident.”

Does anyone actually send bank account info to the ex-Nigerian oil minister who promises a $5-million cut if you hold his fortune?

Advantage #28 of living alone as a man: Hanging sports jackets and jeans on open doors … and dumping your “stuff” at the end of the day on the nearest surface.

Fear of snakes is nothing compared to fear of checking your credit-card balance.

Real men don’t use emoticons.

And professionals shouldn’t have gimmicky ringtones. How seriously would you take your lawyer if his cell played “Dancing Queen”?

Advantage #36 of living alone as a man: No one shoots at you for leaving the seat up.

Me to my father: “Aren’t you supposed to be walking a mile a day?” Him to me: “Cemetery’s full of people who used to walk a mile a day.”

I’m guessing men who drive pickup trucks with those absurdly big wheels are compensating for something.

I’m also guessing we won’t see Charlton Heston in “The Ten Commandments” any time soon on the new Atheist TV channel.

Advantage #40 of living alone as a man: No pile of 11 decorative pillows blocking where you want to sit.

People afraid to be alone end up wearing emotional beer goggles.

You know how dads are supposed to be proud when their kids start beating them in a game like tennis? I’m just mad about it.

Advantage #46 of living alone as a man: Couches and comfortable chairs all have levers.

I’ve pretty much gone gray, which leaves you screwed as a guy. If you color it, you’re a diva; if you don’t, you’re a codger.

I need a detox program for people who can’t pass Purell dispensers without using them.

I’m thinking we’d be a more productive country if the millions of redundant money managers out there helped build companies instead of just betting on them.

And, finally:

Advantage #51 of living alone as a man: Can put feet on dining room table … while eating dinner … out of the Tupperware container on your lap.