Friday, May 22, 2015

The EPA Announces New Light-Pollution Guidelines

The EPA announced vastly more stringent and restrictive
“personal light” pollution guidelines yesterday, to the general approval of
anti-light activists around the nation. The new rules, which go in effect July
1st, will affect mainly suburban and rural residents.

Landscape
lighting, that staple of upscale modern suburban yards, will be hit the hardest
by the new regulations. Each individual light in a household’s landscape
lighting system will now be required to be “no brighter than an average
firefly,” or approximately ½ of one lumen. Moreover, every other light in a
sequence of lights will have to emit no light whatsoever. EPA chief Charles
Do-gooder stated, “You know how there is Coors and Coors Light or Bud and Bud
Light? Well, now there are Lights…and Lights Lights! There is still light
there, just not as much of it.”

There
are other new restrictions as well, such as the limit on “rope” lighting. These
lights are commonly used in some areas on patios and decks, and, especially, in
portable ice houses across the northern tier of the country. The new laws
restrict the length of these lights to ½ the length of the structure, or eight
feet, whichever is less.

Portable
lanterns, such as those used by campers, have been banned entirely, except for
those powered by rechargeable batteries. “Propane or gas lanterns that generate
an actual flame are obviously far too dangerous to be allowed to exist,” stated
an anti-light spokesperson. “Besides the blatant risk that they may cause a forest fire, they are bright enough to
induce temporary night-blindness in several owl species.” He went on to state
that disposable battery operated lanterns pose a different threat to the
environment, in-so-far-as the batteries themselves, when discarded, can leach
lead and other chemicals into the ecosystem.

Head
lamps and hat lights face new lumen limits, too. These lights, popular because
they allow the wearer to see at night while retaining the full use of both
hands, will now also have to be positioned at the back of the wearer’s head, so as not to risk affecting the night
vision of others in the area that he/she may be looking towards.

Book-light regulations have likewise
been revised, but the new restrictions are dependent not on the light itself,
but rather on the book or books they are to be used to read, and where the
books are to be read. If the book is to be read indoors, the light can be up to
a maximum of 30 lumens. If, however, the book is to be read outdoors, the cap
on lumens is 4.

However, if the book in question
is “of an honest, tolerant, progressive
nature,” there are no restrictions on the lighting tool’s brightness. If it is
a “typically biased work by intolerant, right-wing, jack-booted thugs,” the
light can be no more than 1/3 of a lumen.

It is now illegal to attempt to use any form
of portable lighting while trying to read a book published by Regnery
Publishing, Inc.

Daily Trivia Quiz Answer

Today's Answer: Andrew Jackson. ("Poll" got so worked up before the service he apparently had to be removed from the premises, as he was cussing long and loud).

Q) What words appear on the front of the penny, nickel, dime and quarter, alongside the likeness of presidents?

A) "Liberty" and "In God We Trust"

An Ode To Life

Appreciate all you have, as it- and you- will soon be gone. Leave no heartfelt words unspoken, no sweet gesture incomplete, no act of love undone. Love your spouse with passion and abandon, your kids with patience and understanding but also a firm guidance. Love also the truth, no matter how hard. If pursued by enough people with enough courage, it really will set us free.

And don't forget, we didn't ask to be born. We didn't create ourselves. We are not gods. There is a higher power.

Fireworks of the Mind

Write It Up

Whence Shall Come Another?

True Then, True Now

"If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory is sure and not too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves."- Winston Churchill

Time Well Wasted

The power lies within your hands To do with what you may But the hourglass is filled with sands Of endless yesterdays