Obviously lots of people find this site helpful. If you’re reading this, it’s because being on these forums has helped you in the past (or you think it might help even if right now things feel so bad that you’re here just trying to understand where to turn next). And perhaps you’ll want to offer a comment on how it’s helped because you might be able to help me by doing so. So, even in the short time I’ve been looking for posts to answer my questions and try to come to grips with the disaster zone of my marriage, I know people find the site helpful. This site along with other things: MC, IC, SSRIs, MAOIs, plenty of H2O and O2, too. (So many abbreviations!)

And, I’ve come to realize that there are lots of different kinds of situations that people are in (even while, as I’ve also read in several posts, the basic patterns in which this plays out for unique couples are actually few in number). There are many, many like me who are in a state of recent bewilderment, shock, dismay, anger, etc. and who have come here hoping for something that will help provide some orientation in this strange new disaster zone. And there are some who have been posting here for a while that seem to still be feeling what I am right now. And there are some who have been posting here for a while that seem to have found something like an inner strength and a sense of peace (whether through reconciliation with or divorce from their WSs). And there are the three basic patterns in the WSs that account for only some of this variability (regardless of their BSs intentions): the WSs who don’t even pretend to be interested in reconciliation, the ones that are so damaged inside that they couldn’t reconcile even while they beg for second chances, and the WSs that are remorseful and are willing and able (with great effort and a lot of time) to work toward a recovery of themselves and with their BSs in a recovery of the marriage.

So, those are the things I know. But, well, I have two questions I guess. First, I know that people find the site helpful, but I’m curious why they do. Let me repeat that—I know THAT the site is helpful; I want to know why it is. And the reason I’m asking that question is because it gets to my other question. What are the possibilities I might be confronted with over the time period (eons, I imagine) that now lays before me to try to repair what certainly now feels like a broken life? I mean, I knew I had problems, that my WW had problems, and that our marriage had problems. But most of the time these seemed like something that gave texture to a life that was functioning well-enough and filled with enough satisfaction that complaining would be… well, a bit ungrateful. Now, however, my life seems to be defined by rather than a vessel for its problems.

So here’s the question then about why this site is helpful put a different way around. Is this the new me, forever imprinted in my being? Even in the best case scenario, am I always henceforth going to think of myself as a BH, whether my spouse becomes, over time, a FWW, an XWW, or some other abbreviated being of that sort? Do those of you who have found that inner calm have to find it basically by learning how to be a BS (along with those other important things—fathers, mothers, etc.)? Do those of you who haven’t found it wonder if there’s a way to live without being at least partially defined as a BS? Or what things bring you back here in trying to find that peace? Or does the BS thing start to fade—no matter whether one ends up divorced or reconciled or remarried?

Is it goodbye old world—you weren’t that great all the time anyway, so maybe I’ll learn how not to miss you; hello strange new world—right now I don’t really like it here, and it seems pretty hostile, but maybe you have some places to make a home?

Or am I just in some kind of eye of the storm and about to get walloped badly in the next phase of this?

Things WILL be different now, whatever happens. But that's probably the case after any major trauma - and this is what infidelity is. I came on these boards four years ago when my husband told me he was in love with someone else. I found that reading the experiences of others somehow made sense of the madness. I clung to the hope that, when he dumped the other woman, we were in what this site calls 'R'. And I haunted it obsessively when a few months later I caught him cheating again and he left me after 24 years of marriage.

I come back now because I marvel every day at how happy and fortunate my new life is. In some ways I wouldn't change a thing. And, because I got amazing therapy and support in the dark times, the status of 'BS' is NOTHING to do with my current identity. I'm a mother, a writer, a manager, a friend and yes a lover too. This is a rough ride but, whatever the future of your marriage, it needn't destroy OR define you. This forum is full of thousands of very different people, many of whom find it helps at dark times. I hope you find what you need.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

wontdefineme♀ 31421Member # 31421

Posted: 1:21 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

Having someone that understands, can give you guidance, knowledge, a shoulder to cry on, someone there when you can't sleep, give your friends a break, misery loves company, answers to questions that people IRL dont have, tactics to help you with the continued betrayal, and so many more reasons.

I found the answer to why my xh was such an arse, probably personality disorder, but it was like a light bulb going off. It gave me the strength to move on and realize that no matter how much I gave, he would continue to take until I could no longer give him what he needed.

I found the much needed understanding I so desperately sought after and in the end, the support I needed through my S and then D.

You will always be a BH now. It doesn't have to define who you are or give you a perpetual ticket to 'victimhood'....but you will always be a BH because your wife cheated on you.

You are brand new here....why are you questioning whether this site is helpful or not? (do you honestly think that the people that respond to you are going to tell you "no. SI sucks."?????)

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8628 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

standinghere♂ 34689Member # 34689

Posted: 1:40 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

First, being betrayed by the person closest to you is extremely isolating. The person that you thought would be there for you, through thick and thin, stabs you in the back so to speak, and does so with the encouragement of another person.

I think what happens is that we think that this must have something to do with "me", which further isolates you. If "I" can't trust this person, if they would do this to "me", then what would someone else do to "me" that doesn't have anything to risk.

The books all say that it is not "me" but they don't know "me" and my spouse did...

So, by coming here, you see, secondhand through other's stories, how this happened to a lot of other people, none of whom deserved it, and how similar our stories are. How that "I" wasn't the only person blindsided, "I" wasn't the only one who was faithful, "I" wasn't the only person who did everything to try to be the best possible partner in the world and it just didn't fucking matter.

Which makes the part from the books believable, when they talk about the wayward spouse and their internal struggles and emotional issues and how the AP is just whomever they ran into who was willing to be a part of something very mindlessly cruel, and not even realize it. It helps to understand the WS as well as the AP and the betrayal.

It was absolutely fucking crazy around here after my wife confessed, the lying afterward, the trickle truth, the deception, the gaslighting, the insanity of it all, lasting month, after month, after month, after month, and then the insanity got worse when the truth came out, and the truth about her life, her lying, her fears, her nightmares, her rapes, her life history revealed, and on, and on, and on.

I actually got here 11 years after the affair. Nearly 2 years after the initial false confession. All to learn that it was simply not me, myself, and I, who had these problems.

What made me unique that my wife, one of the kindest people that I've ever met, if not the kindest, to whom I had dedicated my life to, who I had never betrayed despite many opportunities to do so, would do this to me, lie to me, lie about me, lie to counselors, to family, to friends, etc.

Absolutely nothing....it was her false beliefs, her mental problems, her PTSD, her issues. She was really messed up emotionally, but hid it very well.

I've been a magnet over the years for "crazy women" and "married women" and "women with daddy issues", thank goodness I never fell for someone and married her. Well.....guess who had those issues but never allowed anyone to know about them and made up a life story that wasn't even true to disguise the truth about the past?

Yet, I wasn't the only one who had this problem.

What I learned here helped me with my brother when my brother's wife left him and their kids for another man without kids but who had more money and a much bigger house (and my brother has a very nice house of which I am justifiably envious of considering the dumps I've lived in). How fucked up is that....what was wrong with my brother and his two beautiful kids? Absolutely nothing. Their MC told him "you need to get a lawyer, you don't understand how messed up your wife is".

Yeah, it's been helpful...crazy fucking world.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1133 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA

karmahappens♀ 35846Member # 35846

Posted: 1:41 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

Hi Lloyd!

Welcome, to the best club you never thought you would join!

I came here after 4 years of a great R. I was still having some issues and was googlng info at work and happened upon this site.

I wish I found it sooner.

It's helpful because you now have a whole shitload of people surrounding you that "get it". You will always find someone to get what you are thinking, feeling, doing, obsessing about...etc etc. They will get it and someone here will always help you through it.

You are in a new normal for right now, where NOTHING is normal. Actually I like to think of it more as a new bat-shit-crazy.

My husband and I have R'd. He had an A with a friend of ours...or should I say former friend?

We got help, went through some major self improvements ( I was broken too) and here we are 6 years and a few months later.

Our new normal is really pretty damn good. We are happy, we communicate well and get along great and we have a life that we are both happy with. So no, to answer your question, you don't have to be a BS forever.

For us, well for me, it took me a good 5 1/2 years to be done. The R part was easier than letting go of the anger towards the friend. If I had managed that piece better we probably would have moved along more quickly.

But going forward, for you, will depend on many factors. Does your wife get it, is she trying to fix her shit? Have you gotten into IC? Has she? I am a big believer in healing individuals first and then coming together and healing the marriage, but you have to find out whats right for you guys. Maybe you wont want to R...it's so early.

Take a deep breathe and read, although it looks like you have already. Check out the healing library, upper left yellow box.

Get comfortable here, people are great and the pain seems lessened when shared with 40 thousand friends.

Take care of you and don't rush any decisions. This roller coaster ride can be a bitch, so hang on. After a while the dips don't come as often.

You will be ok

And thanks for the smile...one of my favorite movie quotes

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3988 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

I think I can♀ 17756Member # 17756

Posted: 6:35 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

Eventually, being a BH will not be the first or most important thing about you.

However, that's going to be awhile--and you can talk about this issue here exhaustively this year and next year and the year after even when everyone IRL thinks you should have "moved on."

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8909 | Registered: Jan 2008

cmego♀ 30346Member # 30346

Posted: 8:03 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

Hmmm. I find SI helpful because I have made true friends here, there is always someone that can pretty much say, "I KNOW how you feel!" and now there are people going through the same stage in life as I am.

I did it all, attempted reconciliation, then long separation, soon to be divorced, and now dating as a BS/single mom/new life.

Sometimes people swung 2x4's that I needed to hear, sometimes I swing one when someone needs to hear it.

Yes, as far as I can tell, I will always be defined as a BS. It will live with me forever, or as much as I can tell right now. But, I also discovered an inner strength that I was unaware that I possessed. I can come out of the darkness of despair and thrive and flourish and live.

You know, at times I don't know if this site is helping me or hurting me. I've wondered if I should forever forget this site. I've wondered if the site is allowing me to wallow in self pity and continue to allow me to focus on the A and not the R.

But really, I'm grateful for it. Here I know I'm not alone. I didn't have any personal friends or family I could talk to. Here I have both. People who understand. It allows me to express my true feelings without worry of judgement or pity. I know I'll get a variety of responses that I have to sort through to help me find something for me. I won't get a one sided opinion.

It does make me sad though that there are so many new members, new stories (that all have the same story line, so many broken hopes, promises and dreams.

But mostly though, I find the site helpful because I know I'm not alone. Simple as that, I'm not alone here.

I find it helpful because it provides additional perspective and a wide spectrum of information and opinion against which I can form my own.

Is this the new me, forever imprinted in my being? Even in the best case scenario, am I always henceforth going to think of myself as a BH, whether my spouse becomes, over time, a FWW, an XWW, or some other abbreviated being of that sort? Do those of you who have found that inner calm have to find it basically by learning how to be a BS (along with those other important things—fathers, mothers, etc.)? Do those of you who haven’t found it wonder if there’s a way to live without being at least partially defined as a BS? Or what things bring you back here in trying to find that peace? Or does the BS thing start to fade—no matter whether one ends up divorced or reconciled or remarried?

That's really up to you. Though I think keeping anything imprinted forever is a bit beyond the reach of anyone here. You are who you choose to be. It's just that it can be hard to make certain choices happen while pain is still fresh and new.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7840 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA

lost_in_toronto♀ 25395Member # 25395

Posted: 8:23 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

Is this the new me, forever imprinted in my being?

Yes, infidelity is something that resonates throughout your life, your marriage, your person. Just like every other major experience in life, it has a lasting effect and many consequences. And I do not believe that this is necessarily all negative; along with the really shitty things I learned when my WS cheated, I also learned many great things about myself and other people, too.

Do those of you who have found that inner calm have to find it basically by learning how to be a BS (along with those other important things—fathers, mothers, etc.)?

I think I found inner calm by acceptance - by accepting that the A happened, that my WS did all those things and that they were done to me. That the best person in my life was also the worst person in my life for a short period of time. I learned to accept all of that and stop struggling against the facts of it and the pain that they brought me, and somehow that brought me a measure of peace.

Is it goodbye old world—you weren’t that great all the time anyway, so maybe I’ll learn how not to miss you; hello strange new world—right now I don’t really like it here, and it seems pretty hostile, but maybe you have some places to make a home?

We are reconciled, I have acceptance - but I will always mourn the old world preA. It was a lovely little place full of good things that I don't quite experience the same way anymore. I long for it in melancholy moments...but I am also glad to be where I am. It's kind of like moving away from a place that you really loved living, to a place that you also really enjoy. And the moving from one spot to another, the transition - quite frankly - sucks shit.

I think there are many eyes in the storm of a relationship post-infidelity. When you find a good moment, try to soak it up and enjoy it for itself. When the storm hits again, you'll have one more good moment to remember and hold on to.

I think others have said very well why this site is helpful. It is, ultimately, a place of hope. For people hoping to reconcile, there are those of us who have done so successfully. For people moving forward with separation/divorce, there is a wealth of support and people who have forged strong, healthy new lives. For people who are waywards, there is some of the best people, WS and BS, for insight and advice and support.

This is the only place I've ever found where I feel like I can talk about my WS's affair without the crowd making a judgement. So invaluable, because infidelity can be a really isolating experience.

So here’s the question then about why this site is helpful put a different way around. Is this the new me, forever imprinted in my being? Even in the best case scenario, am I always henceforth going to think of myself as a BH, whether my spouse becomes, over time, a FWW, an XWW, or some other abbreviated being of that sort? Do those of you who have found that inner calm have to find it basically by learning how to be a BS (along with those other important things—fathers, mothers, etc.)? Do those of you who haven’t found it wonder if there’s a way to live without being at least partially defined as a BS? Or what things bring you back here in trying to find that peace? Or does the BS thing start to fade—no matter whether one ends up divorced or reconciled or remarried?

I can tell you that I have found SI to be extremely helpful especially in the early days when I felt so completely broken, and couldn't even get my thoughts straight enough to know that it was time to eat, or go home from work.

There are members here that have been here for a very long time, and when I was lost in the shitstorm my H had created for us, they helped me to see a way out that would be productive, and helpful, and allow me to become stronger, and more independent. That is why at 5 years out, and fully R'd I come back, nearly every day. It to help others in a way that I was helped. It's to touch base with the friends I have made here along the way. It's to have a few laughs, and share some insights.

Will you forever be defined as a BS? That is completely and totally up to you. I allow myslef to let it be part of who I am, because without it, I would not be the strong, independent woman I am today. I was horribly codependent prior to Dday, and it really took finding my voice, my inner strength to move forward from it, and to demand the love and respect I deserved to get what I have today. A happy Marriage, a loving spouse who not only respects me, but is often wowed by how I choose to live my life. But being a BS is just a small piece of who I am.
I never allowed myself to fall into the victim role, that isn't who I am, or ever was. This horrible thing happened, but it was up to me to find my own happiness again, that was not my spouses job, my friends, or even my family. It was totally up to me. This is what allowed me to get strong. It is also what helped my H fix what was so broken in him.

Yes it sucks that this happened, and no I'm not, and you're not the only one. It is unfair, but so is life, and if you wait for fair to play out, you will just make yourself miserable.

In the early days there were a few folks here, Moo, Defiance, Bigger, NIK, and our lovely founders that were compassionate but also gave me some much needed hard advice. They helped me navigate the shitstorm, and come out better, so that's why I'm here, and why I think it's helpful.

For one there are a ton of wonderful resources in the Healing Library that can help you navigate your way through this painful time.

Next there is the resources of those people who have been there before us. They can help guide you along because they have been there/done that. There are so many people who come on here thinking they can love their WS back and sometimes you need a gentle 2x4 from someone who has been there to bring you back to reality. They have advice that is worth its weight in gold.

It helps to know that others have been there before you and survived, either through saving their marriage or going on and moving foward with their new life.

In a world where people want to judge your every move, it is nice to be in a place where people don't judge, they guide, they care and they support.

My Dday was four years ago, I have separated for two and my divorce is moving along. I have found a new and happy life. The infidelity will stay with me forever, that part of me has been stained by it, but it does not define me. I have found I can trust again, love again and have found away to repair the damage. THe stain is less now, just a tint on me.

While everyone's journey is different, we all have some commonalities that help us along. I can't say what you are going to face but I can say we will be here to help and support you through it.

Many times for me it is just a relief to know others are feeling/going through the same thing. Helps to know I am not crazy, or at least not alone on my way to crazyville

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal

Healing2012♀ 35238Member # 35238

Posted: 9:15 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

First off...great username :-)

Like others, I was (and still am) grateful to know I wasn't alone in this situation. It can become very isolating - especially if you choose not to tell family or friends right away. This site continues to be a way for me to navigate through this journey. No one was pitying me. No one was telling me what to do. No one was judging me or my marriage.

I did step away from the site for a little while, but that was because I found myself being consumed by all things A-related. Sometimes reading posts made me trigger and go back to those initial feelings I had when I first found out. And other times they served as a wake-up call that I wasn't ready to face.

As for this being the new you? I'm not exactly sure. I know that this has changed me, but I am doing my best to not let it define me. That isn't easy, but it is a choice I am trying to make for myself and my son. I believe that something good will come from this - from all the tears and emotions and low points. Maybe it's a greater sense of self. Maybe it's an inner strength we never knew we had. Maybe it's reconnecting with family and friends we lost along the way.

This site saved me. Every single day I obsessed about the A, had my ups and downs (still do) and literally thought I was losing my mind. Once I found it, I read real stories about people going through the exact same things I was. I knew then I wasn't crazy.

I also got strong. I was starting to rugsweep again (which I now know is exactly what NOT to do), and once I found this site I demanded answers from my WH. He told me that he deleted everything on his computer, so everything was gone. He knows I'm electronically challenged, so he knew I would believe him. People here told me otherwise, and he was forced to get me the information I asked for. I now have enough information to make an informed decision of whether to stay or go. (I'm giving myself 6 more months to decide while I enjoy being home with my little one everyday). I learned that on this site, too -- I do NOT have to make any hasty decisions.

As far as whether or not being a BS will define me for the rest of my life, I like to think of this as something that happened to me, like any of the other scars I've gotten in my lifetime. I have to believe that eventually this, too, will fade with time...and like the scar on my hand from putting a cake in the oven, I will be careful not to get burned again, ever!

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013

chick♀ 41073Member # 41073

Posted: 10:10 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

I am fairly new to this but am finding it helpful because I haven't told anyone I know and it helps a lot to be able to read and talk about it. And even if I did tell anyone the chances are that they haven't been through the same themselves and wouldn't understand, they would probably advise me to run - as I would have advised someone in my situation to if you had asked me 3 weeks ago.

I posted on another forum a couple of times and although there were definitely some useful replies, a lot of them made me feel stupid for believing that he won't do it again and tried to force me into taking actions I wasn't comfortable with such as telling every single person we know. This forum seems to have many more like minded people.

Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013

MJane♀ 40571Member # 40571

Posted: 10:22 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

Ironically my H and I helped a good friend through a M break-up - her H cheated on her while pregnant and left her for OW. Now that I find myself faced in similar situation but with a H wanting to R I reached out to her - to your question of whether we will forever be the betrayed spouses the answer is going to be a "Y" - whether we stay or go. What she said to me today really hit home - I was asking if it was crazy to contemplate staying with someone capable of such deceit and wouldn't I always wonder if i could trust him? She said that 8 years on the betrayal leaves its mark still because in any new relationship trust is always the biggest hurdle. We can't erase what we now know and so I see it that I need to work out what is healthiest for me now...no path is easy and that is what really sucks. This may not define who we are in totality but it will leave a scar and impact how we view the world and others and it is that loss of innocence as well as my M that I mourn...From that perspective I cannot thank enough those on SI who have been through the worst and are out the other side (whether choosing D or R) and come back to give perspective and say "it may not feel like it but this will get better...only time is the answer". I still cry most nights at 6 weeks in and today I needed SI like a lifeline....

Posts: 265 | Registered: Sep 2013

lloyddobler♂ 41050Member # 41050

Posted: 10:29 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013

I just want to say thank you to you all for sharing these perspectives with me. I, too, find the site helpful.

Maybe I should share my own answer to at least the first question I posed... the second question is one you all have pointed out that I really won't be able to answer for myself in a precise way for a long while.

But the answer to the first question is that I am find it helpful to be able to see that others have gone through this. I find it very helpful to have concrete advice on what to do next (in the healing library and in the forums). Most helpful of all, I find the community's willingness to help each other and offer words of comfort, words of support, and words of caution and criticism when those wake up calls can also be helpful.

I worry, of course, about the kind of thing betrayedme2 mentioned above--that some ways of trying to find solace and help might themselves become bad habits of coping. But I also have to admit that I do need help, and right now, I'm just not going to be able to rely on my partner for that.

So a big thank you to all who've posted. And a big thank you to anyone who wants to chime in. It IS helping me to know your stories, too.

Everytime I see a new member, it hurts, but again grateful for this site. Why are there so many people needing this? How many others are out there who haven't found this....?

You know, reflecting back to the early days after d.day. I think I found this site, but wasn't ready for it. I was searching, but didn't know what I was searching for. I didn't take the time to read. I felt that no one could feel like I did. Felt alone.