Artful Todger

Politicians, church leaders and moral campaigners are calling for a new novelty video – Extreme Love Machines – to be banned, fearing that it could cause serious injuries amongst young children if they attempt to emulate the bizarre acts it portrays. This supposed documentary, released to cash in on the lucrative Christmas market, features hitherto unseen footage of male celebrities performing strange acts with their penises. Campaigners are most worried about the sequences showing male genitalia being used as deadly weapons, particularly a segment featuring the late Bruce Lee. Footage allegedly recorded during the making of Enter The Dragon shows him apparently breaking planks and bricks with his staff of life. According to the video, Lee’s mastery of Zen Masturbation techniques allowed the diminutive action star to make his penis as hard as steel, or limp but highly agile: further footage shows him twirling it above his head like a martial arts weapon, before felling several opponents with it. “The male member is a potentially lethal weapon in untrained hands,” commented Liberal Democrat MP Daniel Alresford, a long-term campaigner against ‘video nasties’. “An inexpertly handled erect penis in the playground could easily result in some poor child having their eye poked out!”

Campaigners are equally unhappy with behind-the-scenes footage filmed during the making of the Magnificent Seven, showing Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner holding quick draw contests with their porridge guns, before holding a target shooting contest. One scene depicts MCQueen shooting a cigar from Brynner’s mouth from twenty yards without splashing the celebrity slaphead’s face. Elsewhere, the film claims that renowned 1920s bank robber John Dillinger once used his famously large todger to hold up a bank. Alresford claims that these sequences have already led to several copycat crimes in Liverpool, with young children threatening shopkeepers with erect penises – if they refuse to hand over the contents of their tills, the children ejaculate all over their confectionery displays before fleeing.

Critics of Extreme Love Machines also fear that scenes taken during the making of Dirty Dozen featuring Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin engaging in a contest to establish who had the toughest todger, will encourage young males to emulate the tough-guy stars by attempting to lift ten pound weights with their penises – resulting in a spate of snapped shooting irons. They are particularly disturbed by shots of a triumphant Bronson winning the competition by sticking his knob into a pile of red hot coals, claiming that it has already resulted in several cases of singed pubic hair and blistered bell ends as impressionable teenagers try to use their penises as pokers. “If this video isn’t stopped now, I shudder to think what might happen during the Summer barbecue season,” said a spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents . However, the video’s producer, Rod Walloper, has defended Extreme Love Machines, pointing out that it also shows the penis being used for artistic purposes.

In an amazing piece of home movie recorded by his one-time girlfriend Trixie Tenpin, T-Rex’s Marc Bolan is shown using his knob, quite literally, as a skin flute. He achieved this by piercing his penis with a knitting needle to create a column of finger holes, and then blowing down it with the aid of a specially made brass mouthpiece (designed to reach from his lips to the head of his erect penis). Through a careful manipulation of his fingers over the holes, he was, incredibly, able to play tunes on his trouser trumpet, usually working up to a crescendo which climaxed with him ejaculating. “He had to be careful to cover up all the holes when he came, otherwise jism would spray out of them, drenching everyone in a four-foot radius,” says Tenpin. “Also, if the holes got blocked as he was blowing, his scrotum would inflate – which was highly dangerous, as there was always a chance it could burst.” Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull was so impressed by Bolan’s skin-flute playing that he had his own penis similarly pierced for a time. “He never mastered the technique,” Tenpin reveals. “Anderson could never maintain an erection long enough – as his clothes-prop began to sag, so the note he was playing would go flat. He tried everything to try and keep it up longer – porn, naked women, wooden spoons strapped to his knob – but in the end he was forced to give it up and let the holes heal up.”

John Lennon’s use of transcendental masturbation techniques – taught to him by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – to exert a powerful conscious control over his groovy gravy-giver, is also featured in the controversial Extreme Love Machines DVD. “He could get it to wriggle like a snake, moving its head from side to side, it was quite amazing. He was fond of performing his ‘snake charming act’, where it rose up from his open fly as he played a recorder,” reminisces former groupie Ginny Plowter, who also witnessed Lennon perform even more astounding acts with his old man. “He once stuck a light bulb on the end of his erection, and it lit up! It was incredible! Ringo stuck a lampshade on it and John stood in the corner of the studio pretending to be a standard lamp for over an hour!” Lennon’s penis was apparently also a master of disguise, previously unseen footage shows him using a a false moustache and his granny glasses to transform his knob into Groucho Marx, before quiffing his pubes with brylcreem to impersonate Elvis. It is also said that Lennon could perform an excellent impression of fellow Beatle Paul McCartney, although he used his arse rather than his knob for this.

The video also features the lighter side of talented celebrity todgers, including scenes of Errol Flynn demonstrating his magnificent member’s sporting prowess. He is shown using his knob as a five iron (scoring a hole in one whilst playing golf with the Queen Mother in the early 1950s), a pool cue (roundly beating David Niven at bar billiards), and a cricket bat (scoring four consecutive sixes from googlies bowled by Boris Karloff in 1938). There is also film of him playing the piano with it, including a spirited performance of ‘Roll Out The Barrel’ at a Hollywood party hosted by Cary Grant in 1949., and a duet performed with Jayne Mansfield at a 1951 celebrity charity concert – the combination of her breasts and his penis managing a very credible rendition of ‘You Are My Sunshine’. Nevertheless, Extreme Love Machines does conclude on a controversial, and macabre, note, with its claims that former Nirvana front-man Kurt Cobain actually used his lamb cannon, rather than a shotgun, to take his own life – sticking the end in his mouth and pumping. “I’ve seen the real crime scene photos,” says rock journalist Rick Wedge. “He had an incredibly powerful cannon – it nearly blew his head off, there was semen pouring out of his ears.” Police and family deny such rumours, describing them as “vile”.

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.