Wednesday, August 22, 2012

HAMDEN, Connecticut— Local man, Johnson Malone, bought a
grand church organ for his small Connecticut home last Wednesday. The organ,
which has approximately 11,499 pipes, set Malone back 3.7 million dollars.

“Yeah it
was one of those impulse buys, you know? I saw it and I just had to have to no
matter what it cost, ten, twenty, hell even thirty thousand dollars! I was a little surprised when it was $3.7 million, but hey like I said I just had to
have it.”

“You’re not
going to have me anymore you dumb #$*!” commented Mrs. Malone about the
purchase from the adjoining room.

As of now
Malone isn’t quite sure where he will place the 40 foot tall, 173,000 pound
mass of reeds, pipes, and wood. The organ will arrive, unassembled, in 18
different semitrailers. The installation period is expected to require 11
months of expert assembly and several thousand dollars in fees.

“Eh, I was
thinking I could skip out on the whole assembly thing. I can do it myself.
Hell, I built Tony’s bed from Ikea, and the directions weren’t even in English!
How hard can it be to voice, tune, refine, and assemble 11,499 pipes, install
306 wooden drawknobs, and do whatever else I gotta do. I’ll just get some of
the guys from work and we’ll do it in a weekend.”

As of now
Malone is watching the various parts of the organ arrive at his house.

“You know,
this might not fit in the living room after all. But hey at least we have a bigger piano than the Stanley Morgan next door!”

Friday, August 17, 2012

Today rapper 50 Cent was surprised to discover his net worth
is close to 100 million dollars. “Golly, I thought I was worth like three
fiddy, maybe like four dollars at most, but one-hundred million? Oh my! I’m
surprised as heck!” said the ghetto-born rapper.

50 Cent, or
Curtis Jackson, has accumulated his massive net worth through a combination of
rapping, entrepreneurship, acting, and investing. 50 Cent was very surprised to
find out his hard work resulted in the earning of million of dollars.“I was living out the whole ‘Get Rich or Die
Tryin’ thing and I thought I would always, well, die tryin’. It was just
dreadful, I couldn’t even afford a proper manicure or perm. You know I thought I was so poor I was rapping without a shirt sometimes! But look at me now!
I am just happy as a child in a candy shop! Oh look at me, now I’m just
blushing up like a cherry!”

The rapper
had reportedly always let his accountant, Larry Schneider, handle his finances,
which he himself took little to no interest in. When Mr. Schneider informed the
rapper of his wealth for the first time earlier today, which supposedly hit 50
cent harder than a slug.

“Oh Larry
you tease,” said the street-hardened rapper, “you are joshing me! 100 million
dollars? No, no, no that’s a fib if I ever heard one.”

As of now
50 Cent is on a spending spree with his friends in the shopping district of New
York. Reportedly, he is also considering changing his name to something more
indicative of his wealth.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Reports came in Wednesday that actor Nicolas Cage plans to
clone himself so that he can take more movie roles. “There are so many roles
out there these days, National Treasure
3, Ghost Rider 3, Sorcerer’s Apprentice 2, I mean how’s a guy to decide!
This way I won’t have to. And there’s the added bonus that with twice as many
roles, I’m sure to land at least one good
one.”

Cage, an actor who has recently run
into significant financial troubles, is desperate to find extra sources of
income whether it be starring in wacky children’s adventure films or cloning
himself.

Cage will
be the first human to undergo the cloning process, which is largely unproven
and highly risky.

When asked
about it Cage replied, “Oh well you see, it’s all part of the whole lab monkey
gig. You sit there and they inject you with this miscellaneous needle and that
untested chemical and then you tell them what it does to you. And then get
this, they pay you for it. Yeah, pay you, like real cash! It’s a little scam
in the system I discovered a few years back.”

Nicolas
Cage underwent the initial DNA extraction procedure on Wednesday afternoon.
Reporters were able to catch up with the actor outside the clinic at a bus stop.
“It went really well,” commented the actor, “They made some ‘mistakes’ so my
insurance is filling me out a fat payment. I’m really happy about it all. And
I’m hoping that I can get the added bonus of a clone. Think of all the work
I’ll be able to take in addition to acting: Restaurants, department stores,
schools. I’ll really be in the money . . . Hey do any of you have a quarter for
bus fare?”

Researchers
say the science behind the cloning process is ‘very iffy’ but that they hope
for the best in the end. “Nic’s a tough guy, it’s not like he’s never roughed
out some side-effects before, just remember the whole new Rogaine hair chemical
fiasco from a few years back. Uck, awful stuff. But Nic took it in stride.”

Cage will
undergo the second part of the procedure on Friday. As of now Cage is looking
for extra work since being fired as Starbucks Barista after stealing the tip
cup.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

College student Brad Stilner is
confident he has struck it rich with his new idea. “Yeah, it’s like a website.
I can’t say much, it’s still like in the brainstorming phase” said the arrogant
teen as he stuffed Doritos into his mouth while sitting on his La-Z-Boy sofa.
The student provided no details on the implementation or design of his idea.

“Yup I got a pretty good idea. I’ll
be the next Instagram,” smugly said the student while playing the latest Call
of Duty. “It’s going to be huge,” he said as he simultaneously placed more
Doritos into his mouth.

The young student’s mother was very
proud when informed her son had ‘the next big idea’. “He’s always been like
that, thinking up ideas! Once I told him to eat his vegetables because there
were starving kids in Africa. And you know what he said,? He said ‘It’s not
like we could get the vegetables there very easily’. What a smart boy he is,
always thinking!”

Although the idea is still
completely undeveloped and without any proof that it will work, investors have
already started evaluating it. One venture capitalist firm has displayed
significant interest in it. “We believe firmly in the success of Brad’s idea.
The internet is huge these days and if he says he might do something involving
it . . . well, we want in on it.”

When asked about the pressure for
him to succeed with his idea Brad responded, “What? My Idea? What are you
talking . . . oh yeah, that idea. Yeah, yeah. I’ll get on that soon.”

Friends of the smug and confident
teen say they have definitely noticed a change of demeanor in their young,
entrepreneuring friend. Reports came in that Brad now wears slightly nicer
clothes, slicks his hair back, and is even more dismissive of people than
before.

“I’ll have to get ready for my
public offering, you know like look good and all. I’ve also kept some notes for
when they make a movie about the founding of my company . . . Who do you think
will play me? I hope not its not one of those Twilight actors . . .”

Friends and family are still waiting to hear
the next big idea which the cocky student claims, “ Is gonna be huge” but as of
now he is still waiting for his hot pocket to heat up and for the next round of
Team Deathmatch to begin.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Today, while millions of starving souls across the world hungered for
the smallest morsel of food, local Connecticut man Johnson Malone
pondered which country club to join: The snooty Green Haven or the ‘old
money’ Golden Acres.

“The steak tartare is really just
excellent at Golden Acres, although they do mix rather a weak Manhattan.” commented Malone, a man of thirty-six who has
spent years kissing asses and saying he likes it to climb the salary ladder of
a local law firm.While countless tales
of unbearable human misery unraveled across the globe, Malone, who has always
been a logical man, calmly mulled over a mental list of the pros and cons of
each club.

“Well I suppose Mr. Walterson is in Golden Acres, but Green Haven has
a 4th of July social ball that is simply to die for,” he said as thousands across the globe suffered in
bleary-eyed, hunger-driven fevers.

“But the little weenie hor
d'oeuvres are superb at Golden Acres,” whined Malone, “Hmmm, this is going to
be a tough one.” Malone spent the early morning debating whether with proper
boiling he could eat the rubber sole of his shoe. The Writer’s mistake, rather
that was a diseased and emaciated man in Southern India, Malone spent the
morning waiting in a coffee line that he silently and angrily declared, ‘too
long’, while he pondered whether Green Haven provided club golf shoes or if members were expected to bring their own.
“Bringing a big gym bag around with an extra pair of shoes will be a real
hassle,” he commented.

Later, as millions doubted the
possibility of breakfast the next morning, Malone worried whether the Golden
Acres Dining Club had a buffet-style breakfast. “I quite like the portions of a
buffet, but I always worry that the chefs might compromise quality for quantity
in that situation,” commented Malone as he sped along in his Mercedes.

As of now, Malone is still debating
which club to join. Sources say he is leaning towards Golden Acres, but that he
is ‘not sure’.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

"These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich
like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make
you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's
it."

Charles Barkley uttered this quote about his new shoes. Another thing they never did was make Barkley win, or at least win a NBA championship.

Reports came last
week that NBA Great Charles Barkley is trying to buy a NBA championship ring.
The 11-time NBA All-Star, 1993 league MVP, 2-time Olympic Gold Medalist, and
NBA hall-of-famer never won a championship in his 16 years in the league. To
remedy this blemish on his career Barkley offered last Tuesday to buy a
championship ring for $5,000,000. “I mean there are suckahs out there who won
and ring and didn’t even make 5 mil a single season! I’m giving a ridiculous
deal here.”

The 6-6 former power forward
approached six-time champion Michael Jordan first. After repeated refusal by
Jordan, Barkley continued to protest saying, “Ah c’mon Michael”. Barkley,
author of several self-help books, did not give up and even sweetened the deal
by adding his lifetime supply of Taco Bell 5 Dollar Boxes. Jordan still
refused. Barkley did not seem capable of grasping the vast net worth of Michael
Jordan and his complete numbness to money. Jordan later accepted the deal only
on the terms that Barkley would also take ownership of the struggling Charlotte
Bobcats to which Barkley responded, “That’s ridiculous”.

Wednesday morning with still no
luck, Barkley turned to the rest of world. “C’mon, somebody, puh-lease!” he
commented on Wednesday afternoon. Barkley reportedly said he would settle for a
NCAA championship ring also.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Staying in fashion costs money. Last week billionaire real estate
mogul Donald Trump tried to purchase Justin Bieber’s hair for $25,000,000. Trump
reportedly desired the hair to improve his image for the upcoming 2012
presidential election which he plans to run in. Trump hopes to appeal to the
young teenage girl audience with the new hairdo. Assistants tried to inform Mr.
Trump of the voting age, but long, flowing hair covered his ears.

“I like the hair, I really do. It’s
definitely me,” remarked Trump while
vainly staring in a mirror and styling it, “it definitely gets me more
attention.” Since then the 66 year-old has repeatedly broken out into
high-pitched singing, flipped his hair constantly during board meeting,
received several record deals, and even won Teen
Choice Award. “You know it’s amazing what you can do with just twenty five
million dollars,” said Trump about all the changes in his life.

Trumps purchase was in part spurned
by the recent firing of his old hair. Earlier last week there were reports of
extended late-night meetings in Trump’s New York boardroom. Heated argument
could be heard from behind the boardroom’s closed doors. The argument ended
when a loud “You’re fired!” was heard. The doors then opened and a visibly
disappointed red toupee left the room. A frustrated and bald Trump sat inside
the room fuming.

When asked for comments after, the
red toupee said, “I knew I wasn’t performing very well, but I had no idea I was
about to get the bucket! I mean I covered his head just fine, and now just like
this he fires me. God, how am I going to tell Marie about this, I can’t get
work again not in this economy!”

Experts had
originally valued the teen sensation’s hair at only 20 million dollars, but a
rival bid by balding NBA star Lebron James caused the price to jump. Trump and
James reportedly entered into an aggressive bidding war. The NBA MVP backed off
only after notoriously bald NBA sharpshooter Ray Allen joined his team. “Imma
look real good next to that shiny head,” said James. Trump won the bid and
promptly tore the beautiful mess of hair off the teen singer’s head with a
smile laugh. Bieber was left bald, but twenty five million dollars richer.