CATEGORIES

This week, researchers at the Clinic for Aging Research and Education released the results of a 15-year study on which foods, activities, and lifestyles are commonly featured among people that live longer. One of their more unexpected discoveries was that subjects who drank two glasses of beer or wine a day were 18 percent less likely to experience a premature death, while participants who exercised 15 to 45 minutes a day cut the same risk by only 11 percent. But the surprises didn't end there...

Other Surprising Keys to Living Past 90

—Eating bald eagle feathers. (Matt)

—Finishing high school in a pre-assault-rifle era. (Jameson)

—Spending every single day of your 80s wishing you would just fucking die already. (Brandon)

—Never letting the Minnesota Vikings suck you in. (Joe M.)

—Being a beloved evangelical pastor who only disparages Jews quietly in private (with the president recording it). (Joe W.)

—Never hold in a fart. Ever. (Mike)

—Cleaning out your insides by eating one Clorox wipe each day. (Matt)

—Memorizing all the lyrics to George Michael's "Freedom! '90". (Jameson)

—Hating another person enough to want to outlive them out of spite. (Brandon)

—On the second Thursday of every month, at precisely 2:57 PM Greenwich Mean Time, you spank it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Joe M.)

—For some reason, knowing the names of all trees and birds. (Joe W.)

—I know it sounds strange, but if you eat your weight in Lil' Smokies every Sunday morning, you'll live forever. (Mike)

—It kind of seems like being a racist helps. (Matt)

—If Hugh Hefner is any indication, constant sex with multiple partners in a dank underground pool will squeak you just over the line. (Jameson)

—Always remembering that “I dare you to eat that” is not legally binding. (Joe M.)

—Enjoying one anal beer bong a day. (Matt)

—Taking every single pill or supplement that's advertised during Jeopardy!. (Jameson)

—Never eating asparagus on a Tuesday. (Jameson)

—If you are elected President in November 1960, do not antagonize the mafia by fucking Sam Giancana’s mistress. (Joe M.)

—Never eat apples. They keep the doctor away.(Joe M.)

—Being born on third base (but not literally being born on third base; those babies rarely live past 90 minutes...). (Jameson)