Saturday, July 04, 2009

We see the three candidates; CANDIDATE #A, CANDIDATE #B and CANDIDATE #C, standing behind their lecterns.

The MODERATOR stands in front of them, just like a quiz show, the only difference is the MODERATOR knows he doesn't have to be entertaining because the viewers already have low expectations anyway.

MODERATOR:Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the greatest moment in Indonesian history of democracy. And I know millions people've awaited to see this live broadcast, therefore I'll start by wasting the first tens of minutes with an unconvincing monologue.

Fifteen minutes later...

MODERATOR (CONT'D):...Not that there's anything wrong with our democracy. Before this, we've already had some kind of democracy, where anybody could speak up anything they want--

CANDIDATE #A:As long as they have a death wish.

MODERATOR:Excuse me?

CANDIDATE #A:No, I won't.

MODERATOR:Uhm... Anyway. Where was I?

CANDIDATE #B & #C:Democracy.

CANDIDATE #A:(covers the spoken word in a fake sneeze)Repression.

MODERATOR:Bless you. Right, democracy. We're enjoying it now, as we speak, for we can voice out any opinions--

CANDIDATE #C:As long as you're up for some libel charges.

MODERATOR:(annoyed)We'll cover that topic in a moment.

CANDIDATE #A:See! The government always cover things up!

CANDIDATE #B:He did NOT say "cover up". He said "cover". And he's NOT part of the government. He's hired by the media.

CANDIDATE #C:And by the way, you WERE part of the government, you know?

CONSULTANT #B:(to CANDIDATE #B)Punch to get out! Punch to get o--sorry, old habits. I mean, show more expression. People actually like CANDIDATE #C for being expressive. Try giving a wider smile.

CANDIDATE #B:You mean, now?

CONSULTANT #B:Yes. Try it.

CANDIDATE #B grins broadly.

CONSULTANT #B (CONT'D):(loooooooong pause)Okay, now don't EVER do that again.

CANDIDATE #B:But you said...

CONSULTANT #B:Forget what I said. You're good as it is.

CANDIDATE #B nods.

CONSULTANT #C:(to CANDIDATE #C)The polls are in! They like you better when you're talking while walking around the stage. So we prepare these for you.

CANDIDATE #C:What are these?

CONSULTANT #C:A skipping rope, a unicycle and a juggling ball. Try to use them nonchalantly.

CANDIDATE #C nods.

THE CREW prepares for the next segment. All CONSULTANTS walk away briskly from the stage.

--COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS--

A new MODERATOR steps in.

MODERATOR:Let's continue on.

CANDIDATE #B:Why the sudden change?

CANDIDATE #C:Anything wrong?

CANDIDATE #A:What change? Oh, he changes his hair.

CANDIDATE #B:He's now a SHE.

CANDIDATE #C:And she's a different person, if you noticed.

CANDIDATE #A:Of course I noticed. I always observe the people around me.

CONSULTANT #A gives a thumb up.

MODERATOR:I thank you for the kind attention. But we know it's not about me. It's about you, lady and gentlemen. So there are a couple of changes to make the discussion more interesting. Indonesian people need to be able to decide after watching this, don't you agree?

CANDIDATE #C:Yes.

CANDIDATE #A:I look forward to endorse what the people want.

CONSULTANT #A gives two thumbs up.

CANDIDATE #B:Here we go again.

MODERATOR:Now, now... I'm different from my predecessor. Observe.

The MODERATOR pushes a button on her lectern. Three huge speakers rise behind the CANDIDATES, who look wary about them.

MODERATOR:Don't be alarmed. Behind you are what we call the Truth Enforcers. From your tone of voice, it detects whether you're telling the truth or not. And should it detect any other than truth, it'll respond by a blaring alarm. Any question?

The CANDIDATES give each other looks, but say nothing.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):Good. Let's stop beating around the bush. What will be your focus programs for economic development and how are you going to measure your success?

CANDIDATE #B:I think our main focus should lie on the small to medium enterprises. We've allocated up to forty trillions rupiahs to help funding their businesses. I'm proud to say that we've reduced the number of poverty by 2.21 millions. We've successfully--

CANDIDATE #C waits. No alarm. CANDIDATE #C breathes in a relief and continues.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):I think we can do better. We can do a LOT better.

Getting more confident, CANDIDATE #C starts juggling some balls.

CANDIDATE #C (CONT'D):And should I be elected, I'll do something different t--

SPEAKER:(blaring)BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #C falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:I was afraid of that. Candidate #A?

CANDIDATE A looks very calm and composed; completely unfazed.

CANDIDATE #A:I think--

SPEAKER:(blaring)BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!

CANDIDATE #A also falls to the floor.

MODERATOR:Looks like that's it for tonight, folks. We may have to continue this several times before we realize that we'll still be deciding by how they talk. Not what their programs are.

The CONSULTANTS are rushing to the stage to help the CANDIDATES.

MODERATOR (CONT'D):We'll now switch to the debate between the candidates' spokespersons, where they're going to repeat most what've been said. But with louder volume. Because after all we need the entertainment. And I'm sure we can learn something from--

Oh, Donna's already impervious to my antiques, Vicky. She'll just play along. It takes two to tango after all.

The consultants do exist, nonoke. For one of the candidates, you may've heard them as the Fox Brothers. And according to the people who attended the debate, they did exactly like that: approaching the candidates during recesses and giving pointers. "Just like a boxing match," said Enda Surya Nasution in Twitter.

Books by Isman H. Suryaman

Read movies (in five minutes) in this book, Parodi Film Seru! Save yourself the time and trouble to queue for soiled seats and loud crowd. Opt for quick laughs instead! (Link leads to an article in Bahasa Indonesia.)

BaM! is a humor book which questions and plays with various generalizations and social-conditionings in Indonesia. In English, the title's concept translates into something like "Laugh Yourself to Life!"

The World"s a Comedy

If the guys who invented WWW realized that they would be setting up a humongous network to share the silliest things people do around the globe, they'd have burned down the whole project. But hey, like the old saying: when life gives you corns, don't just stop at making popcorns, proceed to build cheesy movie theaters.

Campaigns of The Fools

Gift Guides(Pointers for every guy on the neverending quest to find the "perfect gift" for their partners. Because... well, they expect us to fail anyway.)

The Cool War(A one year campaign which ended at January 9th, 2005. Pursuing the answer to Ultimate Question of All Time: Which is cooler, Indonesia or America?)

Against Semantical Illiteracy(A dormant-volcanically active campaign since January 5th, 2004, which has been voraciously hunting typos from all over the world. But isn't "dormant-volcanically active" a redundant oxymoron?)

Sensitive Journalism Now!(A not-even-half-hearted dedication of reporting stupid moments in journalism to the world. Started since January 2nd, 2004.)

Deadly Threats(Searching Deadly Threats potentials around the world. The kind of threats that can force two grown men burn down schools.)