Blew My Mind

June 23, 2002 I did shrooms for the first time last night and it blew my mind away.

June 23, 2002

I did shrooms for the first time last night and it blew my mind away. My friend’s and I had been planning on trying it for a long time, but had trouble getting a hold of some. But we finally did and my parents were away so we figured it would be a good time to try.

We went in my backyard and got to business. We split a quarter ounce between the three of us so I guess I ate about one twelfth of an ounce of dried mushrooms.(something like 2 grams I guess). We put it on hot dog buns and washed it down with some iced tea. It was definitely nowhere near as disgusting as I had been expecting.

We sat there and chilled for a long time waiting for the effects to come on. After about a half our, I was feeling a little stoned, like I had smoked a bowl or two of decent weed. Then I get a phone call from my brother who was away. I talked to him for a few minutes and walked out to the front yard. When I got off the phone with him, I thought I heard music coming from across the street. So I went out to explore. I followed my ears and after a little while lost track of the sound. Realizing that my friends may be getting worried, I decided to walk back. I was looking at my shadow in a few bushes and I noticed I was able to make out designs in them. Like looking at clouds. This was normal to me as I do that often when I’m sober, but it did seem a little more vivid than usual.

When I got back, probably 45 minutes into it, I look at my friend, J. He is just standing there staring off into space smiling. I ask him how he’s doing. I get an emphatic “I’m good!” and a huge smile from him and he continues to stare. However I was still relatively fine. I was getting somewhat jealous and believing that I might not be granted the privilege of going on the journey that it seemed he had already embarked on.

About an hour into it, I went to go see what J was doing. He had wandered off to a dark corner of my backyard and was looking at a tree. When prompted, he said, “I’m looking at the faces in the tree. I tried to talk to them, but they aren’t answering.” At this point I knew that I was definitely missing out on something, so I sat down and watched the tree. After staring for a bit I was starting to make out a few faces. The faces almost looked as if they were slightly glowing. But again, this is not out of the ordinary for me. But then I thought I saw something; little glimpses of tribal designs in the tree. My other friend, S, interrupted us and I lost sight of it.

I went inside and played around with my dad’s bongos, which was very relaxing and felt oddly spiritual. I may want to try this in the future and linger longer. Then I proceeded to make my way outside. I got as far as the kitchen when this little iguana statue caught my eye. It looked normal but for some reason I was attracted to it. Something was odd about it but I couldn’t really put my finger on it. Then I noticed that it appeared to be slowly pulsing, almost like it was breathing. Upon closer inspection, the little darker green dots on the light green surface were moving. They were flowing as the iguana grew lighter and then darker and then lighter again. At this point, I knew that I was definitely having a new experience. Little did I know that it had just begun and that the visual distortions were only the beginning.

Next, I decided to look at the granite counter top. Joined by J, I stared at the counter top, and to my excitement, it was full of motion. I saw little black specks in the lighter areas, flowing, encased by the darker areas. This looked very similar to extreme close-ups of capillaries where you can see the blood cells flowing through. This would parallel a recurring theme that lingered throughout the night. I was able to see the life in inanimate objects.

After a little more staring at random objects and designs, I went upstairs to explore my house. As I reached the top of the stairs I looked to the right into my brother’s bedroom. Everything was moving; the couch, the TV, the walls, the closet, everything. I told the room that I wasn’t ready for it right now, maybe I would return a little later. I did notice what was probably one of my first abstract feelings. I felt as if I was in a museum. I could look into each room and see a different show. Each vivid and exciting in its own way, but I had not yet mustered up the courage to enter one of the exhibits.

I next went into the bathroom, and did what I have been told I should never do. I looked in the mirror. I stared deep into my own eyes and watched the colors in my iris swirl and dance. Then I backed up and saw my face as a whole. My hair was bending and changing shape. I didn’t like this, so I ventured on.

The linen closet brought another one of the recurring themes of the night to me, the darkness. A part of the closet looked very dark and much deeper than it should be. The rabbit hole? Perhaps, but I doubt it. I was drawn to it though. I got closer and closer. I felt like it was sucking me in. I was almost completely inside when I decided I did not want to be inside the darkness. It felt evil, but not threatening.

A few other events transpired, but nothing worth mentioning. We listened to some ambient techno music, which was extremely enjoyable. I believe it was a remix of Canon.

I was thirsty, so I went downstairs to get a drink. I was struck by a modern art splatter painting in my living room. This painting has always had emotional meaning to me. Ever since I was a little kid, I have seen it, not really as a life form, but as some form of more than inanimate entity. I used to have a fear of it because it appeared to be the driving force of a nightmare I had once, where household items came to life and chased me. I grew out of that phase and for the most part saw the painting as a painting; until last night. When I looked at the painting, I think I must have been at my absolute peak. My hallucinations for the first time were breaking out of the two dimensional world. The painting was bent and the picture was swirling. The painting was busting out of the wall.

In my mind, I was able to see the painting for what it truly is. It was a very mysterious and powerful entity. I was very curious and wanted to know what the entity had to say to me. I thought that if I asked, it would be able to give me some insight into realities outside of my perception. I was very careful to respect it and politely told it that I was going to get a drink from the kitchen and I would be right back to hear everything that it could tell me. My plan was to get a chair and sit in front of it absorbing its knowledge. Sadly I was interrupted by one of my friends. I would not get the chance to be enlightened by the entity, but maybe I will return.

At this point we decided to go walk around my neighborhood. As I was walking, I had time to ponder many things and discuss it with my friends. I was not able to express myself very well, and I don’t think that I was able to convey most of my thoughts to them.

My thoughts wandered to the analysis of a movie that I have enjoyed in the past, but in retrospect never fully understanded, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. As I was experiencing the trip, I found that it was hard to describe the experiences. I did not want to call them hallucinations. I felt they were more than that. They actually existed to me. I think these anomalies were best described by the main character of the movie/book as vibrations. These vibrations were, as I saw it, the effects of objects on myself. Just like sound is our perception of a form of vibrations, I felt that my experiences were the interpretation of other forms of vibrations that I had not earlier been able to perceive. These vibrations did go deeper than the visual abnormalities. I felt that in the same was as these vibrations allowed me to see what may or may not have been there, it allowed me to feel the vibrations that were coming out of people. Their mood was directly understandable by me.

A few of the other things that I pondered were mysticism and the size of the world, how insignificant a single person is. One of the more striking random thoughts that I was actually able to relay to others is how that each person lives out his life in his own perspective and the rest of the world is just stimulus, but each of these stimuli is having the same experience. It is just incomprehensible how each of the billions of people in the world have their own story and their own life experiences. I can go on forever about any one of these thoughts, but I can do this with or without mushrooms. I think about these things all the time, but they are more striking under the influence.

As I walked barefoot down the sidewalk(I don’t like to be confined by shoes), a few times, I felt as if I was whisked a way to another place, but only briefly. I remember passing over a patch of dirt on the sidewalk. I was now in Death Valley. The sand was beneath my feet and it was warmer all of a sudden. I did not see any of this, but it was just a feeling that I had. It felt as if this place was home and was very normal to me. This feeling repeated itself a few times.

One very odd thing that was happening is that I was increasingly attracted to cigarettes. I do not smoke. I have had at most 3 packs in my life. But for some reason what I felt was a strong addiction to cigarettes. I felt like I needed a cigarette in my mouth at all times. The smell of the cigarette box, was so inviting. I smelled it and told J that I would like to be inside it. I really felt that it would be amazing if I could shrink down to size and hang out inside the box of cigarettes, just breathing in the sweet smell of nicotine. This is actually somewhat disturbing and I am going to stop cigarettes completely as I have no desire to be addicted and this was a frightening picture of what an actual addiction may be like.

Lighting cigarettes was very difficult for me. I could not get them to stay lit. This caused me to try to reason with inanimate objects. I would ask the lighter politely if I could borrow some of its fire to put into my cigarette. I was actually able to coax the lighter quite successfully, but I’m sure this was just my heightened concentration allowing me to focus long enough to light it.

We came across a sofa that was at the street waiting to be picked up by the garbage men. We sat there for a while just talking and having a great time. This was a very satisfying experience. At this point the visual hallucinations were almost completely gone, but the heightened thought processes were not.

Later we ended up at our town library on a large grassy hill. I can’t explain how perfect it felt to be there. I wished that this night could never end. I thought that if I could just keep doing this for the rest of my life; walking around nature, talking to my friends, I would have been in heaven. I felt like I had always been doing this and all I ever wanted to be doing was this. I understand that is a common shroom feeling. I felt like I was at home with the shrooms. I wanted to eat another ounce, but not to get stoned, just because I wanted to eat them.

We were laying on the hill, but I felt like walking around a bit to explore. So I picked up my acoustic guitar, which my friend had brought the whole time, and walked off. I had a general idea of where I was and didn’t walk off too far. I was really enjoying the walk in the woods and playing the guitar, even though I could not play anything resembling music in my state. The music was beautiful nevertheless. When I tried to get back to my friends, I had a minor dose of paranoia. I walked toward where they were, but the woods were too thick for me to cross. I could kind of see them and hear them but I could not get through. I felt an intense feeling of loneliness. I wished to be with my friends and feel the warmth of their presence, but I was stuck here. I was feeling very saddened. But I told myself it was the shrooms talking and found my way back to my friends.

Then we walked home and hung out in the back for a while just talking candidly about all kinds of things. I was almost back to normal, just the volume was turned down and I was very relaxed. I welcomed the end of my trip. It had been a long trying journey and it had been enough for one day. We came inside and watched a movie to ease our brains that were working so hard that past few hours. And that was it. I went to sleep but was not able to get the 15 hours that I was told that I should get after a trip. I slept maybe 4 hours.

The trip was a great experience for me. It was completely new and opened my eyes. Weed makes you feel cool, but doesn’t encourage any form of intellectual evaluations. On shrooms, I felt euphoric nearly the whole time. I felt like I was somewhere that I belonged and that I would like to stay. I had a feeling as if I was enlightened. I felt like I could see and feel the interconnectivity of everything and that I could to a greater extent understand the world around me. I saw that there was much more than meets the eye. Call it nirvana or moksha if you like although I don’t know if I would venture there. But all in all, shrooming was an amazing experience that I feel opened my eyes to a whole new world of perception and introspection.