November 16, 2013

The day before yesterday I had an epiphany. I realized, (and not just on an intellectual level only,) that everything in this world, including you and me, is already perfect the way it is! That there isn't any need for change...That the change occurs already on it's own, whether we like it or not, and that it unfolds in a perfect way, and a perfect time frame. The permanent lifting of the inner burden that was on my mind, -- made possible by such realization, -- is simply priceless!

You're gonna think I'm crazy... Well, you wouldn't be the first person to do so, I guess. Which is perfectly fine. As I just mentioned earlier; everything is perfect the way it is.

So what exactly happened to me that made me arrive to such liberating, relaxing, and such relieving conclusion?

I watched a video, called "Forget What You Know," of a young boy name Jacob Barnett, who is considered to be our next Einstein, and who helped me realize that my lack of schooling was the best thing that happened to me. Even though I understood that for quite some time already, it was a totally different type of experience to be able to see it with my own eyes through someone else's experience. It served as a validation for what I already believed in. In doing so, it opened my eyes to a new perspective on life in general.I'll start with explaining few things about my childhood. As I described in one of my previous posts, I wasn't even able to finish the mandatory elementary school. Let me say something here; school, learning, and books in general were my biggest passion that I've cultivated in my heart, literally since before I learned how to walk! On my 1-st birthday, following our Polish tradition, my mom surrounded me with different items, to see which one of them I would pick up first. This type of game supposed to help with indicating what kind of interests a child will develop later on in life, and therefore what type of profession he or she may choose in the future. I crawled towards the book, of course, and I grabbed it as if it was a real treasure. As my mom recalls, I made everyone laugh with my determination of not wanting to let go of it.

The "silly" tradition proved to be not entirely unfounded, at least not in my case. After I learned how to read, my passion towards the books continued to expand uncontrollably. Whatever books were to be found around the house, (mainly the Bible and other religious scriptures) were examined by me on a daily basis. The wonders that the written words (and the colorful illustrations) contained, were simply blowing my young mind off! Mom had to yell at me sometimes for staying up all night, while trying to read under the cover with a flash light.

"You're gonna ruin your eyes this way!" I remember hearing the concern in her voice.

Socially speaking though, I was not nearly as talented. I was an introvert (still am). I was considered to be too serious, overly sensitive, and awkwardin general. All I ever seemed to do was to read and to think, often not without over-analyzing things. I had a speech problem, for which my mom had to take me to a specialist. I remember distinctly practicing the pronunciation of the difficult words with my family.

In school I was a straight A's student. In my fourth grade the teachers observed my higher than average IQ, I guess, because they suggested my mom that I should be bumped at least one grade ahead. They explained that I was too bored in each class since I knew all the material already. Mom for some reason hesitated, and she didn't follow the teachers suggestion. I was disappointed, but it wasn't the end of the world...yet...In my seventh grade I was chosen to be a president of the entire school body. I was very surprised to win the election, since most of the girls in my class didn't seem to like me. I was proud to be such a "genius." It seemed to be the only thing I was good at. In the first week of my eighth -- the final grade of my elementary school -- my mom asked me to stop attending the school for good. Yes, the final decision was up to me, but how was I supposed to not grant her wish, knowing the reason behind her request? My parents were about to lose their land and the house they build with their own hands, using their own money, to our uncle, who instigated a law suit against them. In a desperate attempt of protesting against the legal system that eventually allowed my uncle to evict us from our own home, mom thought that particularly my absence in school would get noticed, which it did. But unfortunately our cry for help did not make anyone to extend a helpful hand. With the property, we lost our home -- the only home we knew. My younger siblings and I ended up at an orphanage.Now, at the orphanage I had the opportunity to continue my education. But something had happened inside of me that simply wouldn't allow me to. You could say I was suffering from a post traumatic stress disorder. I started to hate the books and the school, which not long ago were my biggest love affair ever. I could not make myself read anything, even if my life depended on it! The books, the school and the teachers started to repulse me. I rebelled against all of it. I rebelled against everything I was ever taught to be true, everything I've ever read, and everything I've ever learned. I did not graduate from the eighth grade, but it wasn't because I had failed on the exams. I managed to pass all the final exams despite the fact that I had missed almost the entire school year, and that I attended the classes for two weeks only. I did not get a piece of paper stating that I completed the mandatory by the Polish government education requirement, because only 2 weeks before the graduation ceremony, I chose to run away from the orphanage. But then, I haven't even realized yet, that the latest traumatic events in my young life were already forming a new beginning for me. I couldn't yet grasped the fact that my not attending school was one of the best things that ever happened to me! As I grew older, - and as the process of my overcoming the severe depression I was affected by my entire life started to come to an end, - I realized that even though practicing forgiveness helped me to heal my depression, in the end there was really nothing that I had to forgive! In the end, there was only everything to be thankful for! Why is that? Because if I continued with following the guidance of the educational system, I would have never learned to think for myself. I would have never learned to think critically, I would have never learned to question everything. I would have never had the guts to stand up against the current of the society's believes in what's "normal." I would have never found the wisdom, which each and everyone of us is born with! My brain would have been too contaminated with the information, with the believes of what's right and what's wrong that others had formed for themselves, and which would have been piled upon my fresh mind. I would have to unlearn everything from the beginning, which wouldn't be an easy thing to do.There is a perfect reason, why fire departments for example, do prefer to hire fire fighters that don't have any prior experience whatsoever. The "fire people" that save lives on a daily basis understand that it is much easier to train a complete "rookie" than having to un-teach someone experienced, all the bad habits that were picked up along the previous training.With that being said, I feel extremely thankful today. I am thankful to my mom for (intentionally or unintentionally) saving me from the brain wash I would have received from schools, if it wasn't for her decision. I am even thankful to my uncle, who by evicting us made all this possible. Besides, without the suffering I endured because of my uncle's doing, most likely I would have not written my book, and this website wouldn't probably exist either. I wouldn't probably have the understanding I have today without the pain I went though while being abused by my father. So I thank my dad for being exactly the way he was with me. If it wasn't for all that nightmare I went through, I wouldn't have nearly as much compassion for human suffering they way I do now. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for all those people who helped shaping me, often while hurting me the most. If it wasn't for my depression that tormented me for 3 decades, I wouldn't be here trying at least, to help others. Also, if it wasn't for my experience with depression, today I could not fully appreciate what a joy is to be alive! What a joy is to know, and not just understand, but actually know through experience, that everything is perfect the way it is, - it always was... I'll leave you here with a quote I found this morning on the internet:“Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke (Letters to a Young Poet)And here is another quote, by Buddha this time:

“When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

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I am not a physician, nor do I have a degree in psychology. The advice I give should not be viewed as a form of psycho-therapy. The advice I give is based on my own personal experience with depression, and my recovery from it.

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