Also:

After the death of Pinky the cat last year, a new “World’s Oldest Cat” has finally been crowned by Guinness World Records after an exhaustive search. Her name is Poppy. She is from Bournemouth, England. She is 24, and she shares her home with four other cats, two rabbits, a hamster, and Jacqui Corner, an accountant. Her owner (Jacqui) says Poppy is the boss of the house, and any cats who cross her are “swiftly dealt with.”

We interviewed Poppy to find out how she likes being the world’s oldest cat. (Editor’s note: We did nothing of the sort. This is a joke.)

Catster: How does it feel to be the world’s oldest cat?

Poppy: Wait, is that my cake? What the hell is that? I turn 24 and you give me … what the hell is that?

Do you have any advice for younger generation, Poppy?

We’re still discussing the cake, pal. You’re telling me that a cat can’t get a nice slice of grilled chicken when she turns 24? You’re saying that a cat who turns the equivalent of 287 human years doesn’t deserve something more — oh, I don’t know — celebratory than more of that damn stuff she keeps in the pantry?

Um, I think it’s the equivalent of 114 human years.

Can it, son.

Back to the celebrations! How is the day going?

Ooof, my aching back. And my knees. And my tail. And my torso. And my feet. And my neck. And my eyes. And my liver. And my spine. And my elbows. And my heart. And my nose. And my —

Let’s move on.

Quiet! And my ribs. And my hip. And my skin. And my kidneys. And my bones. And my —

Poppy, how are you going to celebrate being the world’s oldest cat?

I think I’m going to sit here a while and then sleep. Maybe take a whizz later.

No special plans?

Never underestimate a whizz. You get to be 114, every whizz is a gift.

What sort of advice can you give younger generations?

Eat chicken. Steal it if you have to. Right off their plates.

Come now. Stealing? You must be joking.

Let’s order some KFCs and find out, sweety.

Ah, that reminds me. Your owner says she sometimes gives you treats of “KFC chicken, fish and chips, and even the odd bit of kebab meat." You must love her very much.

She’s a sweetheart, that one. Nice gal.

Why do you talk like a WWI sailor? You were only born in 1990.

1990? I’ll be dammed. Coulda sworn I was 114, like you said earlier. That puts my DOB at 1900, wouldn’t you say?

But that’s in human years and you’re a —

You ever heard of the carotid artery? Little guy right in the neck. Right about … there. Something happen to a thing like that, a guy might never be the same.

Stop touching me, please.

How about we order that KFC now.

Uh, regular or …

Super crispy. And let’s go with wings. I like to snap the joints.

Congratulation to Poppy for being the world’s oldest cat! As for those of you who question the legitimacy of her honor, let’s turn to Craig Glenday, Guinness World Records editor-in-chief. He’s been tasked with finding the age of every single cat on Earth and proclaiming which one is the oldest.

"We’ve been overwhelmed with claims for the ‘oldest living cat,’ with owners from across the globe making applications on behalf of their cats,” he said. “Today, though, I’m pleased to confirm that we’re recognizing Poppy from Bournemouth in the UK as the world’s oldest living cat, at the age of 24 years. If anyone thinks their cat beats this, and can prove it, then we’d encourage them to get in touch with us."

As for the oldest living cat ever, that honor goes to Creme Puff, who was born in 1967 and lived until 2005 — 38 years.

Do you have a senior cat? How old is she? Is she giving Poppy a run for her money? Tell us your cats’ ages in the comments!