Please listen carefully to the following options, as our menu has recently changed. For billing inquiries, press 1. To schedule an appointment, press 2. For phone sex services, press 3. To hear the soothing sounds of the humpback whale, press 4. To order refills for your Pez dispenser, press 5. To have your landlord kidnapped, press 6. To listen to The Scarlet Letter in its entirety, read by Rosanne Barr, press 7. To order a medium two-topping pizza with crazy dipping bread and hot wings, press 8. For enlightenment, press 9. To replay these options, press 10. To hang up, just hang up. Put down the phone. Or you can just listen to the sound of nothing – that is technically an option. Goodbye. Oh, and we love you. Om.