Has anyone ever told you that “you can’t have nice things”? A joking way of calling someone a klutz?

This post isn’t about me thinking I can’t have nice things, but my struggle with wondering if I *shouldn’t* . . .

{See the flowers up there? I love it! Love how happy Autumn was when she saw me so much more! }

I recently bought some flowers to put in a vase on our counter top.

Inever do that.

It’s more than me “trying to be frugal,” (which I am, but) it’s mostly because I can’t shake guilt from the thoughts that roll around in my head: how can I spend money on something that’s already dying when kids are going without food, mothers working in the inner-city couldn’t afford them, and families in refugee camps don’t even have a counter to put flowers on?

Just like in my post about comfort vs. hardship – I’m still struggling. Still looking for answers and seeking balance.

I’m starting to think that maybe I should just give up and move on. Ok, so I won’t have happy, pretty things (even if they’re thoughtful, responsible buys) but then I won’t have to worry about if I’m in the wrong or not.

No harm, no foul, right?

Expect, . . . I know how these things make my heart sing. Flowers in vases, yummy lit candles, the sound of water . . . it’s how God made me. How do I enjoy these things while making sure I don’t step outside of His boundaries: over-indulging myself, ignoring my neighbor?I love Spiritual Mom-Giants like authors Sally Clarkson, Elizabeth Foss, and Ann Voskamp. They’re words compel me to know and enjoy my God, and love and serve my family. A common theme in their writing is the importance placed on beautifying our homes; turning them into places of refuge where God’s presence can be felt and His love of beauty displayed.

As I read, my heart nods in agreement, but my head is screaming: “But the money! From hardwood floors to decorations and furnishings: How can you spend money on yourself like that (without feeling heaps of guilt)?! Even if you’re buying from the Dollar Store, and making the crafts yourself – money is still being spent!How are they so at peace with it?”

Hear me out: I don’t doubt that they work hard, save, reach out in missions, make responsible choices, “go without” and exercise self-control. But that’s the problem. Even when all the above apply to us, I still feel like it somehow must be wrong.

And I’m not just talkin’ material possessions. . .While walking on a hike, I breathe in, raise my arms, face the sunshine, thank God and . . . think about how kids in the inner city don’t have access to nature like this (and how it might not be safe for them to go out even if they did). They are stuck in concrete boxes.

While reading Autumn a book, I relish having her close; & wonder if she’ll enjoy this for years to come, and find a love of reading because of these times . . . and think about all the kids whose parents just don’t care, or are too strapped at the end of the day to read to them.

Or while making Nate hot chocolate; driving in my car with the windows down, listening to FM Static, etc, etc. — The list goes on and on and it’s mind-numbing.

Little Potato Spud!

Then I consider the numerous Scriptures that tell of God giving His children things specifically for their enjoyment. He takes pleasure in it and is gloried.

So I’m digging in and changing my perspective. More to come in Part II.

More like “can I tell you about my (yester)day” but still — it was a doozy:

It started out with me curling up in Jesus’ lap and reading about 1st century Jewish culture in Matthew chapter 3 and trying to do it with my 5 senses engaged (- more on that in another post.)

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Then, I took Autumn for a mile walk and on the way home 2 dogs came around a bend on the trail and started RUNNING at me. They weren’t on leases. Their owner was NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. and one of them was HUGE. Like above my pelvis huge (I’m only a bit north of 5’2″ but still. . . ). and they were barking with a slight growl. I was TERRIFIED. (I’m scared of 3 animals on land: deer, mice, and wolves. O how I hate wolves! Ever since watching Frozen and The Grey. Paralyzing.) – One of them looked like a wolf!!!

So I side-stepped off the path and backed up so they wouldn’t be able to get to Autumn and remembered the time my friend told a story about a time when wild dogs were coming at his wife and their two children: she held them and said “Jesus, I can’t.” (or something near that) and the dogs left them alone. AMAZING. So I said it “Jesus I can’t!” “Jesus I can’t!” and they suddenly lost interest. The littler (not by much) one was still looking at me but I managed to scoot off the path more and limp home.

Yes, you read “limp.” Because, by the way I FREAKING STEPPED INTO A CACTUS when I went off the path. Again, I limped home and Nate took tweazers to me and it was painful and I never want to experience that again.

Wish the lighting was better – there were tons of little ones too :(:(

(But, the good side however is that I always question, in this cushy American life, if I really have it in me to trust Jesus when the unexpected and terrifying happens. So I was actually encouraged by the indecent and may have limped home with a smile on my face thinking about it . . . *JesusCrush*)

. . . That being said, as soon as AC went down for a nap I hopped on Amazon to order this, and found out about this which I got too : ) #comeatmefito

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After Autumn’s nap, she and I headed off to a Normalize Breastfeeding Photo-shoot with a bunch of mamas and littles at a local park. It was awesome!! So cool to see mamas love on their kids – a couple exclusively pumped, one was in a wheel chair, some had kids nursing at 3+ years old – felt so great to be apart of that : ) And there I was, nursing Autumn out in the world, while an award-winning photographer was snapping pics. (Ok, so I’ve actually nursed openly all over the place – but the idea that part of my tatas were going to be online – and worse – maybe seen by my friends who would gasp and gossip wouldn’t approve . . . .that was different ( seeing as how I was 19 when I wore a tanktop for the 1st time – took Nate a long time and a lot of convincing). But man, was it liberating! Bodies are normal. Let’s treat them that way.

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Then Nate accidently woke AC up from her nap 🙁 So we headed out and after getting adjusted at the Chiropractor, I decided to go to Starbucks a few doors down (not something we normally do). I thought about my day and was like – yeah, I could really use this. And so I ordered the perfect drink! Iced Frappocino Mocha Cookie Crumble with whole milk and whip cream : D : D And nate ordered an Orange Mango Smoothie. ;d

“I’m happy to have small ways to capture and create beauty. There is joy in beauty and it makes me happy. Pope Francis writes,

‘Every form of catechesis would do well to attend to the “way of beauty” (via pulchritudinis). Proclaiming Christ means showing that to believe in and to follow him is not only something right and true, but also something beautiful, capable of filling life with new splendor and profound joy, even in the midst of difficulties.Every expression of true beauty can thus be acknowledged as a path leading to an encounter with the Lord Jesus.’

Isn’t that what life in a family is: a living, breathing, daily catechesis? Let’s let it be beautiful!” –Elizabeth Foss

Nathan has a lot of weird geeky shirts that he’s picked up from Woot or other random places on the web. Most of them have to be explained and some of the meanings go way “over” my head. And then there was the colors – or lack of color. When we 1st started dating, his selection included dark green, dark brown, dark blue, grey, and black. Very lack luster to a girl whose favorite color was HOT pink. (Even after 5 years and a baby, the best I’ve gotten him in is some oranges, and light blues and a pretty purple — still waiting on that pink ; ) ).

{Our 1st Date – bad car lighting and all =) }

Yesterday, as I rolled away from Autumn after she finished nursing during her nap, my face went near one of his shirts – and just like that a world of memories came flooding back. He lived an hour and a half away before we got married, so he’d come up on Friday night after work, and stay till Sunday. Sunday nights were awful. I absolutely HATED watching him go, and would prolong it as much as possible. It seems kinda weird to say it now that he works from home and I see him all the time (which I love), but I cried nearly every week.

One of the things that helped get me through the week *haha, I know* was keeping one of his shirts that he wore that weekend with me. I’d stow it under my pillow to preserve the smell and pull it out before bed and just hug it and remember him. It usually kept it’s smell till Thursday and by then I knew I just had to make it another day before I’d have the real deal in my arms again.

So when all those love-sick-puppy feelings returned yesterday in the midst of what was an everyday, normal (though beautiful and wonderful) activity – I couldn’t help but smile and just let it all soak in. I closed my eyes and tried to go right back there and remember how badly I couldn’t want to be right *here* Wife to him, mom to our little, growing closer to God and as a woman each day.

Looking at the big picture, I really like my life. It’s the smaller moments that make up each day that I need to wrestle myself into realizing how special things are – or could be. I like to think that God gives us this amazing memory-saver (the Limbic System) as a type of alter to remind us to stop and look back at all He’s done from then till now. And if we choose to slow down and go there, we can be blessed by it and Bless Him for His faithfulness once again.

This realization hit me again this morning and it felt amazing and rewarding.

Seriously, I love being so bonded to this human being. It makes my heart race with purpose and fear at the same time. This little person means so much to me. And lately as I witness her crawl toward something she wants, I almost wish for time to slow down a bit as I can’t deny her independence is growing. . .

But those moments she makes a B-line for me – Does it get any better than that?!

Autumn’s lovey, “Burt” or “Bszzzz.” We’ll see which one she likes better : )

If you saw my last post, you know why I haven’t been able to blog a lot this month. But thankfully, even during Nap-agedon, We were still able to grow as people and reach out in Christ.

Socially
-The amount of playdates lessened while we tried to figure out Autumn’s natural sleep time. But we still managed to make some more friends. : D
-Nate and I to a Baby Wearing Meeting, found out there’s an Attachment Parenting group for Dr Who fans and made some friends there too : ) Physically
-The first have of the month, workouts took a total nose dive: all of my spare time was spent reading about infant sleep, trying to get Autumn to sleep, and trying to sleep myself. Ha
-Read Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas and it helped motivate me to get back to it. Along with Dr. Sears’ infant sleep book that was AWESOME and talked about the benefits of working out and sleep for moms that I hadn’t considered.
-Nate took an introductory class on Kung Fu!
-Autumn learned how to crawl! And pull herself up! And take steps while holding our arms! This from the girl who didn’t learn to turn over until she was 6.5 months old! I guess she’s kinda like her mama – nothing and then BAM 😀

{We were (quietly) cheerleading}

Emotionally
-As hard as it was to work on not letting my emotions take over before this month, it was *worlds* harder while struggling with sleep deprivation. I know this will always be a process littlered with ups and downs, but I’m comforted in know that change is happening. And even more comforted knowing that God sees me the way He sees Jesus. (Can we talk about how greatful I am that that’s apart of His plan?)
-My biggest hope right now is to get the point were I don’t become so faint-of-heart while facing a challenge. I’ll never be a “go with the flow” kind of person, but I know as a Believer I have access to Power and victory, and am more than a conqueror.
-The boy in this post y’all.

Spiritually
-Read Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas and it was so good! I love hearing about parenting from the perspective of past Christians during a part of time when they didn’t have as many distractions, but definitely didn’t have more time ( by that I mean, the time that we save by not having to go out and gather eggs, I whittle away on facebook . . . .)
-Looking at Colossians 1:24-29 as if I’m Paul and Autumn is my ministry.
-Digging into how Genesis 3, Matthew 4, and 1 John 2 connect. Seeing how Satan follows a pattern that appeals to our sin nature: Uses our fallen nature to entise us with things we need, but may taken in abudnance or from the wrong places, things we see and strive to taken but aren’t really gifted to us from the Father, and how we use these things or our own ambition to try to impress others.

Kingdom Speaking
-Autumn and I met with the director at a local Pregnancy Crisis Center! I was really worried about how this was going to go (Morgan, are you serious. You can barely see straight some days, why are you adding something else to your plate. You have enough going on right now) – but there’s no harm in trying. And I want to be useful for Him.

Other/Fun
-Have you heard of the store Tree House? We went there on Father’s day and fell in love. Wanted to buy everything, there’s really no point until we have land ; ( But we did pick up some plants for our place : )
And this last one for kicks haha

Morgan Reid

I'm wife and mama learning how to love Jesus, and love on others the way He does.
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Into crunchy and natural living; mindful parenting; social justice; and environmental advocacy. I like anything domestic (decorating, fabric arts, etc), Monet's art work, photography, ASL, and having real connections with other humans. (:
Currently living in Austin, loving all the 'weird.' Counting gifts and enjoying God. ‡
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MBTI: xSFJ. Enneagram Type 6.