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Cornell in Newark, Detroit Programs Not as Popular as Cornell in Washington

Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons.

“We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in diverse locations where students would be able to have unique experiences like getting stabbed, mugged, or witnessing a break-in…would be an educational and formative experience that people would enthusiastically enroll in.”

Students participating in the programs also questioned the programs’ unpopularity. “What an awesome experience!” said Kylie Danaher ’15, who is currently participating in the Cornell in Detroit program. “I knew I wanted to to get away from Ithaca for a semester. Being in a city without a police force, or being consistently approached by the same heroin-addicted prostitute…these are character building experiences that I think every Cornellian should experience.”

Specific aspects of the programs which have not drawn students in, as had hoped, include Cornell in Newark’s “Urban Decay” themed Halloween night, Cornell in Detroit’s “Who Needs Police?” parties, and–a fun event at both programs–“hear gunshots outside and crawl under your bed!” game.

Ultimately, Cornell administrators are tasked with figuring out why the university’s program in Washington D.C. is a success, but efforts in Newark and Detroit have failed. “We really have no idea whatsoever,” Vice President Darson said. “We’re literally going to have go to back to the drawing board on this one.”

“I’m thinking that Cornell in Compton would be a huge success, though!” added Danaher.
Above: The Detroit Campus’s Library