Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Prize Fighting: Knuckle Down to Win

If you're reading this blog (which you obviously are), there's a good chance that you also read Fat Cyclist. And if you do read Fat Cyclist, you know that this has been a time of great difficulty for him and for his family. Since starting my own blog I've been very fortunate to get to know a number of people in the cycling world, and few have been as gracious and supportive as Fatty. On a number of occasions he has offered me unsolicited help, which I've generally repaid by remaining aloof and elusive, as is my wont.

As such, I wanted to show Fatty how much I appreciate him and how much I regret my own sorry behavior. My first thought was to get a Fat Cyclist knuckle tattoo. However, in mocking it up I couldn't figure out how to fit it on my hands, and this was the best I could come up with:

But then I had another idea. Fat Cyclist often runs contests on his blog; in fact, I was even a prize in one of these contests. (Arguably this was the second-worst prize Fatty ever offered, just ahead of the time he gave away a non-running 1987 Chevrolet Chevette.) As such, I figured I'd doff my cap to him by running a contest of my own in his honor. Unfortunately, I don't have access to the sorts of prizes Fat Cyclist gives away, like new bikes and exotic vacations. However, I did rummage around in the BSNYC/RTMS supply closet and found a few items which some people might want.

As far as the contest itself, I figured I'd invite people to create their own Fat Cyclist tribute knuckle tattoos. This can take any form you'd like. You can write something on your own knuckles. You can photoshop something onto a picture of knuckles. You can even draw a picture of a tattoo of someone with a Fat Cyclist knuckle tattoo. Honestly, I don't care what it is as long as it:

1) Somehow involves Fat Cyclist;2) Somehow involves knuckle tattoos;3) Is an image or video that people can look at on a blog.

I'm also setting a firm deadline of, oh, sometime next week-ish...? As for the prize list, it's marginally less impressive than what you might win in the Cat 5 field of your local office park crit, but at least it's all free:

1st Prize

A Rapha (!) Lion of Flanders t-shirt in the Mapei colorway (and in the large sizeway) which has never been worn;

2nd Prize

A pair of front and rear Knog Beetle lights (cousin to the "hipster cyst") which are still in the original packaging;

3rd Prize

A BSNYC/RTMS Lounging Smock (choice of large or medium sizeway) which has never been worn and is not for sale.

Here they are arrayed on the BSNYC/RTMS Test Sisal in all their meh-nificance:

Even if you're not impressed by any of these prizeways, hopefully people can at least have some fun and consider this contest a way of showing Fat Cyclist their appreciation for all the great blogging he's given us. And in the meantime, please visit his blog and send him your best.

Oh, one other thing: any entrants who actually get a real permanent subcutaneous Fat Cyclist knuckle tattoo will be automatically disqualified. As fond as I am of Fat Cyclist, I must say that I think getting a Fat Cyclist knuckle tattoo is an extremely bad idea. In fact, it makes this guy's knuckle tattoo seem sensible in comparison:

I have nothing but respect for those in the nursing profession, and that of course includes male nurses. However, a male nurse with a knuckle tattoo is sort of like a Rivendell with a set of crabon aero bars. Furthermore, if you're going to get a knuckle tattoo that says "Rock Star," you should at least be an actual rock star. If people aren't making plaster casts of your penis then you probably don't qualify--and messing around with the orthopedic supplies during your lunch break doesn't count. Most importantly, wondering what your boss is going to think about your knuckle tattoo on Monday is antithetical to both rock stardom and knuckle tattooing. It's like the Hell's Angel who's afraid his mother will ground him for smoking cigarettes.

Attempting to kill people for engaging in unsafe behavior is the sort of über-irony to which the hipsters of Williamsburg can only aspire. Perhaps the firefighter had just come from a building inspection where, after finding a number of fire code violations, he simply doused the place in kerosene and set it ablaze. I suppose we should at least look on the bright side and be thankful he's not a sex-ed teacher. One can only imagine the sorts of punishments he'd mete out to people who fail to wear protection in bed.

Marginally less ironic is this "Lone Wolf" knuckle tattoo, to which a number of readers have alerted me:

I applaud the fact that this person doesn't "need anybody to survive," and that he lives "outside the pack, the worlds bullshit society." However, I do find it slightly vexing that this particular Lone Wolf requires tattoo validation. We've all heard the philosophical riddle: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Similarly, if a Lone Wolf has a knuckle tattoo and no one is around to see it, is there any point getting the tattoo in the first place? Apparently not, since while he doesn't need anybody to survive he does need to upload his knuckle tattoo to an online gallery so they can see his tattoo. This is like telling your parents that you don't need them, storming out of the house, and then storming back in and asking to borrow $75.

Really, the true Lone Wolves do not need to label themselves, because if you're fortunate enough to encounter them you'll know it even without knuckle tattoos. More importantly, they transcend labeling. Take one of cycling's most notable Lone Wolves, spotted enjoying a burrito by a reader not too long ago:

I've mentioned in the past that Californians have a penchant for telling "epic" burrito stories, and while some of them can be quite tedious this particular burrito story truly qualifies as Homeric, since not only is the Lotus TT bike in the picture, but the USA logo on the front wheel is perfectly and heroically aligned like the shield of a great warrior. Of course, you don't "palp" a bike like that every day, which is why the Lone Wolf has also curated this wind-cheating daily rider, photographed by another reader:

Here's a spy shot taken during a pit stop (presumably before commencement of wind tunnel testing) which offers a clearer view of both the fairing and the under-saddle water tree:

But most telling is this photo, courtesy of Gary, which indicates that we may be seeing a Lone Wolf x Radio Shack "collabo" in the near future:

Note the "Now Hiring" sign on the door. Could we see the Lone Wolf riding for the Shack alongside Lance Armstrong in 2010? Even though a true Lone Wolf "collabiates" with no one, the fact is that the Lone Wolf also depends on his Discman (Lone Wolves hate iPods), and Radio Shack is now offering low, low prices on portable CD players. ITTET, that may be too sweet a deal to pass up.

Indeed, the only things more alluring to Lone Wolves than Discmans (Discmen? Discpeople?) are bar ends. A reader in Germany has recently forwarded me this configuration, which is an engineering and curatorial marvel:

In the right hands (or the wrong hands, depending on how you look at it), bar ends become Lincoln Logs of Insanity--of, if you prefer, Erector Sets of Madness. While ordinary cyclists simply choose a set of handlebars that are comfortable and perhaps even go so far as adding a clip-on accessory, the bar end enthusiast asks himself (or, occasionally, herself), "Where are my hands most comfortable?," and then answers simply, "yes." Here's a slightly different view of this particular setup, which reveals that this bicycle has at least two pairs of brake levers:

Yes, it's comforting to know that if your hands eventually do migrate to the forwardmost set of bar ends that you don't have to clamber back down the ladder in order to stop yourself:

Actually, it very well could be that this bicycle belongs to the Hindu deity Kali. If only I had that many knuckles, I'd tattoo them with the most "epic" burrito story the world has ever heard.

OK, I live in Santa Monica and have been telling people about the guy riding 3 MPH behind the fairing with the water bottle tree behind the seat! My description has never done it justice. The pics are perfect, but you have to see the whole thing in motion (barely) to believe it!

I would think that unless there is a place one can get unlimited free bar ends, ITTET, it would be smarter to just buy some Tri-monkey bars and go with that. Then again, you could just steal the ends off every bike you see and that would be cheaper....is it a sin to steal a quiver of bar ends to feed your starving obsession?

Hey, so I'm moving out to Portland soon! That's right, the land of commemorative celebrity rides, crazy style diktats, and dikpiercings, not that I want to picture that. I'm very excited to get back out west, and I'll be looking for a brewing job.

Ride strong! I've got to get back to packing the apartment and palping something cold and Belgian.

While riding with my son in a child's seat, cars have sidled up next to me to tell me how dangerous it is. I typically tell them that the danger is significantly higher when a driver slows down to drive 6" from us while yelling out the window.

If you're going to shoot anyone for unsafe cycling, it should be the jackalopes. Plus, you get a nice trophy.

I was shot at on my bike in NC near Durham in 1997. NC has just the right volatile mix of inbred morons and lax gun laws. A guy in spandex is just the spark needed to ignite that sub-mental powder keg. I was thinking of getting my own self-defense weapon, but as someone pointed out, you can't outdraw someone with six fingers.

Here's the link of the intersection of the shooting. if they were actually on the highway - that would be illegal, but the road at exit 55 isn't really that busy. Aren't the people in Asheville supposed to be peaceful?

Checking yer mail hole? You deserved it, yer just 'nother patsy in big guvment controlled monopolies like the mail, which is just a plot to trick us inta readin', an' gettin' child support notices.

I learned a lot in three years, like: don't sleep on the road, don't play golf in a thunderstorm, and how to mathematically correct for consanguinity in local genetics studies. Also,keep at least 20 meters away from Jesse Helms supporters.

Jesus man, I come here for a laugh to get a little boost mid day, then I clicked over to Fat Cyclist and I am literally in tears. In about two minutes of reading, I realized how important my wife is to me and the incredible pain Fatty and his kids must be feeling. He seems like an incredibly brave guy.

The Snob has offered up some greatprizes (great as in not 'trucker bombs', or you get to be the star of the next Craigslist post),

But,maybe all the BSNYC commenters could donate to Fatty's Philly site.

He's second at $38,168 with a goalof $50,000The other guy has $40,790 with the same goal.$2,600 from BSNYC readers?I just put my $10 in.and for you cheap asses - you get a donation receipt for your taxes.Put in your coffee money for the week, or what you would spend for a new tire.....I'll go back in for another $25.Then leave a post for him,I was hoping he'ld be in Philly,but it doesn't look like it now.

while riding with my headphones in a woman in a car drove along side me and was furious that i was listening to my music. she was screaming at me from the car. then she passed me again and did the same thing. it was nuts.

Asheville? Not surprised. Locals like Popcorn Sutton have been largely replaced by trustafarians, Yankees who moved to Florida and discovered it was HOT all the time, and the sorts of folk who haven't yet figured out what that lever on the left side of the steering column does.

As for Durham - well, it once had a Hells Angles chapter but they found it too violent and moved to Charlotte after their war with the Pagans in the late 70s.

Speaking of faux-hippies: in all my years of riding around Chapel Hill, the two strangest altercations with drivers were with people in Honda Elements. WTF? Is it because that vehicle is so ugly it makes the drivers mean? In both cases, people pulled up beside me, rolled down the passenger window, and began yelling. And kept doing so for some distance.

Frankly, I always blow kisses at irate drivers. Makes them worry about catching Teh Ghey if they touch me.

So my eyes were not fooling....I actually saw that dude in Santa Monica zipping by on the Lotus TT bike with the USA logo....I had to do a double take! It lookes like a homeless dude!! huh??? how's that work?

RR- It seems a bit odd that he also mentions that he is a "Male" nurse. I mean it's pretty obvious in the pic that he is a he - or is he?

"He" also mentions Kat von D's book. That's right, Kat von D has a ummmm...book. Perhaps a pictorial of soon to be regretted hipster tats...you know, a coffee table book for when you want to feel a little better about yourself.

b) understand that other folks have faced the same crappy crappy crappy situation that FC is in (godspeed, man, good luck with Susan and I'm thinking of you, sir)... for example, Dr. Marcus P: a doctor who spent his life thanklessly working at a dang VA Hospital in WashDC helping thousands of vets young and old only to be f%^@#ed by brain cancer at the ripe ol' age of 42, and who never bought himself anything more than a cheap ass bike, a '95 VW Golf, and the cheapest Nikon he could find...

and

c) have a few bucks to throw in the bucket in hopes that this whole cancer motha-f*&$er needs to be shown the f&^%ing door to oblivion

please,

d) throw some spare change to another team in the Phila ride here:http://philly09.livestrong.org/nadleroni

hell, I'll even go as far as to invite any BSNYC reader to join the team here:http://philly09.livestrong.org/drmarcusp

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!