OP, you say that you like this aunt. To me, that says that she must be a reasonable and kind person (who happens to have bad habit.) I would just try to level with her. "Aunt, you may not realize that when you comment on my appearance that it bothers me so much that I am starting to dread your visits. I love your company and hate that I have these feelings. Can we agree to leave such discussions off the table?" A reasonable and kind person would try to be more sensitive to your feelings. If she is not that kind of person, then I think you learned something and would probably need to adopt other tactics.

OP, you say that you like this aunt. To me, that says that she must be a reasonable and kind person (who happens to have bad habit.) I would just try to level with her. "Aunt, you may not realize that when you comment on my appearance that it bothers me so much that I am starting to dread your visits. I love your company and hate that I have these feelings. Can we agree to leave such discussions off the table?" A reasonable and kind person would try to be more sensitive to your feelings. If she is not that kind of person, then I think you learned something and would probably need to adopt other tactics.

This is pretty much what I was going to say, but you said it well.

OP, you say you love this aunt a lot. And she evidently means well -- she thinks she is being helpful; she doesn't mean to be hurting your feelings (is that right?). So I think it's doubly appropriate to do both:

- talk to her about it, because it affects your relationship, which she probably doesn't want any more than you do

- don't use sarcasm, snappy answers, walking away, etc. Keep it gentle, loving, and respectful, as in DaDancingPsych's suggested wording. And do it in private so as not to embarrass her. After all, the goal isn't to school her about the "right" way to do things, prove how clever you are, smack her down, or hurt her back. It's to (1) let her know how you feel when she does this (which apparently she doesn't), (2) tell her what you want, and (3) preserve your good relationship -- maybe even strengthen it, if you really pull it off well. Note that these goals aren't about who is right and who is wrong or about how she needs to change -- just your feelings and needs, all in the context of mutual affection. The old "'I' message" approach.

In my experience, staying on the same side by asking for help rather than making it a confrontation by accusing works much better.

OP, you say that you like this aunt. To me, that says that she must be a reasonable and kind person (who happens to have bad habit.) I would just try to level with her. "Aunt, you may not realize that when you comment on my appearance that it bothers me so much that I am starting to dread your visits. I love your company and hate that I have these feelings. Can we agree to leave such discussions off the table?" A reasonable and kind person would try to be more sensitive to your feelings. If she is not that kind of person, then I think you learned something and would probably need to adopt other tactics.

This is pretty much what I was going to say, but you said it well.

OP, you say you love this aunt a lot. And she evidently means well -- she thinks she is being helpful; she doesn't mean to be hurting your feelings (is that right?). So I think it's doubly appropriate to do both:

- talk to her about it, because it affects your relationship, which she probably doesn't want any more than you do

- don't use sarcasm, snappy answers, walking away, etc. Keep it gentle, loving, and respectful, as in DaDancingPsych's suggested wording. And do it in private so as not to embarrass her. After all, the goal isn't to school her about the "right" way to do things, prove how clever you are, smack her down, or hurt her back. It's to (1) let her know how you feel when she does this (which apparently she doesn't), (2) tell her what you want, and (3) preserve your good relationship -- maybe even strengthen it, if you really pull it off well. Note that these goals aren't about who is right and who is wrong or about how she needs to change -- just your feelings and needs, all in the context of mutual affection. The old "'I' message" approach.

In my experience, staying on the same side by asking for help rather than making it a confrontation by accusing works much better.

I wish I had taken this approach...

I ended up almost completely avoiding one aunt because I couldn't take any more of her personal comments/questions. It was only after her death that I realised I'd hardly seen her in years. She was very kind-hearted, but I really didn't know how to deflect what felt to me incredibly intrusive nosiness. Reading eHell has helped me so much, but I didn't think to post for advice before her Alzheimer's set in.

I hope you do manage to change her behaviour before it drives you to avoiding her completely.

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"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." - Julian of Norwich

I'm currently having the same type of problem with a relative and all the comments here are very helpful. It's really hard when a person seems to think they're being "helpful" but you don't receive/experience it that way. I was also raised with the idea that it's rude to comment on other people's appearance or habits and I often don't know how to respond when people do this to me. My knee-jerk response is to tell them to *&^% off but if one is trying to preserve the relationship that doesn't really work!

Well, you won’t be able to change their behavior completely, probably at the most just a little and just temporarily. But you will learn to let it roll off you, and having that conversation will help reduce it a little ... maybe. Just be sure not to tell them they are being rude, just that it is bothering you.

For people that are just impossible, especially ones you see all the time, I can share the trick that I use. Before you see them, think of the thing they do that really annoys you. Then choose a really good reward that you are going to give yourself the next day if they do it, say, three times or five times or whatever. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, but then as you count each time they do it, in a way you kind of like it, because it gets you close to your reward! And then remember to really give yourself that treat. It works for me. :-)

OP, you say that you like this aunt. To me, that says that she must be a reasonable and kind person (who happens to have bad habit.) I would just try to level with her. "Aunt, you may not realize that when you comment on my appearance that it bothers me so much that I am starting to dread your visits. I love your company and hate that I have these feelings. Can we agree to leave such discussions off the table?" A reasonable and kind person would try to be more sensitive to your feelings. If she is not that kind of person, then I think you learned something and would probably need to adopt other tactics.

This is pretty much what I was going to say, but you said it well.

OP, you say you love this aunt a lot. And she evidently means well -- she thinks she is being helpful; she doesn't mean to be hurting your feelings (is that right?). So I think it's doubly appropriate to do both:

- talk to her about it, because it affects your relationship, which she probably doesn't want any more than you do

- don't use sarcasm, snappy answers, walking away, etc. Keep it gentle, loving, and respectful, as in DaDancingPsych's suggested wording. And do it in private so as not to embarrass her. After all, the goal isn't to school her about the "right" way to do things, prove how clever you are, smack her down, or hurt her back. It's to (1) let her know how you feel when she does this (which apparently she doesn't), (2) tell her what you want, and (3) preserve your good relationship -- maybe even strengthen it, if you really pull it off well. Note that these goals aren't about who is right and who is wrong or about how she needs to change -- just your feelings and needs, all in the context of mutual affection. The old "'I' message" approach.

In my experience, staying on the same side by asking for help rather than making it a confrontation by accusing works much better.

Perfect. I love some of the other suggestions, especially answering with a question, but not all efforts to change behavior are equal. There's a big difference between the boorish and very rude nurse in your doc's office vs a loving and caring relative who merely needs redirection (assuming OP is reading it right).

Another possible approach might be to just not respond at all when she makes offensive comments. Just act as though she said nothing at all. If you don't react, she may stop making that type of comment.

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What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

I second the "why do you want to know that" question - my own background...

I have an aunt who is only five years older than I am.

At five, I was willing to believe that she knew a whole lot more than I did and I listened to her.

At ten & even fifteen, I was willing to listen to her, because she was enough older than I was that I believed she might know something that I didn't.

Sometime between 25 and 30, I quit believing that she knew enough more than I did that I wanted her to stop telling me everything, as if I were still ten years old and she was so much older & more experienced than I was.

We're both considerably older by now and she still tries to talk to me as if five years is an insurmountable mountain of experience...I quit listening after menopause - except about the medical condition that we both share...that I still believe that she knows more than I do...since her specialist told her that she knew more about it than he did....about that one subject, at least.

But on pretty much everything else, I figure I've pretty much caught up to her experience - at least enough that I should be treated as another adult. Which includes not answering nosy questions or letting her tell me what I need to do when I don't want to do *that*!

I have relatives like this too. I tried brushing it off and it didn't work.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when my aunt made snide remarks about my political affiliation (I work for one of the major US political parties so politics is more than pressing a button once a year for me). So instead of just passively taking it (as my mom raised me to do-- she was there too) I told her to eff off. My mom's very big on being passive and taking things lying down, but I am not. I was sick of doing things my mom's way.

Said aunt later stood me up when it came to me cat sitting for her (arrangements were made months in advance and she backed out the day of) so she's not exactly high on my list right now.

I have relatives like this too. I tried brushing it off and it didn't work.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when my aunt made snide remarks about my political affiliation (I work for one of the major US political parties so politics is more than pressing a button once a year for me). So instead of just passively taking it (as my mom raised me to do-- she was there too) I told her to eff off. My mom's very big on being passive and taking things lying down, but I am not. I was sick of doing things my mom's way.

Said aunt later stood me up when it came to me cat sitting for her (arrangements were made months in advance and she backed out the day of) so she's not exactly high on my list right now.

Telling someone to "eff off" isn't polite, and there are many degrees of assertiveness between passivity and profanity.

So, I have a slight problem and am looking for Ehell's wise advice. In a couple of days, my partner's aunt is coming to our town for a month. She will not be staying with us, but actually in the next town. A family circumstance has meant that she and partner's uncle have stuff to fix in this country (they live abroad)

So, I love her (and uncle!) very much. They are truly great people, and I get on with them both very well. However, she has one tendency which drives me insane. She is one of those people who comments on how much people weigh, how they dress, etc. I was brought up to believe that it is both wrong and rude to do this, so it already makes me uncomfortable. Also, she is wont to comment (unasked) about how much I weigh, what I wear, etc. It annoys me a whole lot, and makes me want to see less of her. I have no idea how to get her to stop without being rude myself. Is complete silence the best option? Does anyone else have experience with this sort of issue, and how did you deal with it? All opinions gratefully accepted.

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Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

"I don't wish to talk about that and when you insist on discussing these matters it makes me not want to see you and uncle in the future". From then on move away, run an errand, change the subject but do not engage in these discussions. She cannot discuss these things with someone who does an about-face and goes to wash dishes or some other activity in another room. You need to train her in what your boundaries are which means you need to lay them out to her clearly and plainly.

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Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.