The Human CrossFit Lab-Rats That Tested Apple Watch

For the past two years, Apple paid people to exercise in a top-secret testing centre wearing elaborate monitoring gear that made them look like Bane at a CrossFit gym.

The whole operation was so secretive Apple didn't bother telling the people why they were strapping big blue oxygen masks on and hitting the rowing machine every day.

It shut the employees in these sterile, eerie all-white lab rooms that approximate weather conditions from around the world, all of which looks like a mad scientist's torture chamber.

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't be down to be part of a super-secret health experiment in an actual sketchy alley laboratory unless I knew why, but I'm assuming Apple paid these people well enough to compensate for their transformation into sweaty guinea pigs. And the yoga does look relaxing if you could get past being covered in mysterious equipment of unknown purpose and having an iPad for a yoga teacher:

I guess all's well that ends well: the years-long experiment was merely a highly co-ordinated vector of a multi-pronged plan by a multinational company of almost unimaginable wealth to amass more power, coaxing money from ordinary people by convincing them that an object was scientifically likely to substantially increase their health.

So if Apple's exercise lab is so secret, why let ABC News in? Well, HealthKit is one of the most anticipated features on Apple Watch, but it's a totally unproven fitness tracker (and it's probably not going to be that great at first, since almost all of Apple's 1.0 debuts have been pretty aggressively mediocre). No matter how impressed/vaguely unsettled you are by Apple's commitment to secretive health experiments, all this video shows is that the company did use humans to test HealthKit, and no, it didn't give a shit about how creepy they looked while testing. The verdict's still out on whether Apple Watch will actually be a decent fitness tracker.