The wonderful world of Alex Ray

My name is Alex Ray, and I am the CEO of AlliedChemical.com. the greatest company in the universe.

Monday, January 3, 2000

Report from the Bunker

Hey ho everybody, it's me PercyAllied Chemical.com's Marketing Director. As you may recall fromour last entry, Alex ray inadvertently trapped himself in his private bunkerdue to a rather unfortunately jiffy pop incident. Now thanks to shoddy workmanshipin one of the lead-lined corners we have been able to at least get a laptop squeezed through to him one of those super slim Sony jobs, (thanksHiro!) We've been working hard in Mr. Ray's absence -- productivityhas been up across the board. But still, things have been awful dullwithout our leader around to keep us on our toes -- we haven't had to hirenew cleaning people for at least a month!

Well fortunately, through the miracleof the internet, we can at least bask in Mr. Ray's pearls of wisdom. So, without further ado: Alex Ray...

Goodness Gracious Godness Agnes,what a month it's been. I'd been trapped down in this bunker withnothing to occupy my mind but my Sanford & Son laserdiscs. After about three episodes, however, I realized that this was not whatI had in mind -- I thought I was stocking the bunker with episodes of thatshow about Rock Hudson solving crimes with his wife, man she washot. After a while though the bespectacled geek squad upstairsfigured out how to get one of them laptop computer jobbies downhere to me so I could finally get some work done.

Of course, the problem is, I haven't beenable to get much work done because I discovered this internet thing. Have you heard about this? Apparently, I can connect to any one ofa truckload of different "websites" from around the whole world. The whole damn world! Why didn't anyone tell me before? Did I miss a memo or something?

Anyway, I figure I need toget in on this trend before it catches on and gets completelyout of hand. I bet there's a whole bushel and peck of cash to bemade on it.

Macmilln and Wife

For example, there's this "eBay"thing. It's an "auction" site. What auctions have todo with the word "bay" or the letter "e" I don't know. On the other hand, a lot of folks seem to be making a killing off of stuffthey've got lying around their house, so I suppose they know what they'redoing.

Now, I've always prided myself on beinga dyed-in-the-wool capitalist, and I've always lived by the axiomthat everything has a price, but eBay is living proof! I mean, EVERYTHINGis for sale on this blasted thing...stamps, spatulas, star wars toys,and those damn annoying beanie babies. What is it about beanie babies,anyway? Apparently sane grown men and women are willing to spendhundreds of dollars on a senior citizen's craft day project called Squirtythe Clam. Good gawd Y'all. Of course I did pick up theKISS set -- you can't be too careful.

At the top of this list, the holy grailof eBay products, is used underwear. Now I've never thoughtof used underwear as a particularly lucrative commodity, but apparently,thanks to the large number of middle-aged Japanese businessmen inthe world, used women's underwear goes for $300-400 (US) -- that is ifit belonged to a particular type of woman (cheerleader, dancer, nun).

Well, a little light went off in the oldAlex Ray noggin right then and there. I got right on the hornto my assistant and told her to go right out and get as much used underwear as she could lay her hands on. Two days later,I was set up as a full-out eBay seller with a full line of usedundergarments ready for sale.

This could be yours for the right price

Every single one of them in HighHeel shoes

Much like these

Now, I figured, it was timeto branch out of the usual stripper/schoolgirl world and diversifyinto more unusual types of previous underwear owners. The resultswere darn fascinating; Methodist Sunday school teacher was a bigseller, public school lunch lady not so much . Suburbansoccer mom was huge (must be the thought of all that time commutingin the minivan), but I took a bath on the Incontinent Rodeo Clown.

Flushed with the success of underwear,I noticed there were an awful lot of people out there buying used shoestoo! Now that one knocked me flatter than a boll weevil on the businessend of a Mack truck. I mean, underwear I suppose I can understand-- it's spent some time around some body parts that people are understandablyfascinated by -- but what's exciting about a foot? It's afoot, for Allah's sake! Still, never let it be said I didn't givethe people what they want. Besides, I've got about three hundredfolks working in our plant on our private island nation of Farnaqand they don't seem to mind that every Wednesday is Stilletto Heel Day(okay, the fellas were a little reluctant at first, but it's amazing whatthe power of the dollar can do -- or in this case, the power of the nickel).

Just goes to show you there is a market forjust about anything, well anything but the Jalepeno hickory hamspreadflavored lollipops. Heads rolled for that one -- hated to firemy daddy but it had to be done.

Now back about this here internet thingy, I'll tell you it is a bit distracting. I keep meaning to be workingon the Outer Mongolia Hamspread sales projection spread sheets, but thenmy mouse starts to get a hankering for something different. Something daring. Something naughty. I was onone site and they had a lady that you could talk to and she did thingson camera for money...we played cards. I beat her by10 points in rummy.

I also got to look at our very own site, they actually do put up these little missives I write every month-- who knew? The one thing I do know is that I got to get meanother picture, especially now since they haven't been able to get a razor down here, and I look somewhat like Dan Hagerty (TV's GrizzlyAdams).

Who knows? I may even keep the old chin carpet -- either that or shave it down to those really cool sideburnsNeil Young had in Buffalo Springfield.

Saturday, January 1, 2000

Happy New Year everyone.Marketing Director, Percy Grumby II here. The darndest thinghas happened. It seems Alex Ray Jr., our beloved C.E.O., hasbeen locked into his underground survival bunker. The details area tad fuzzy right now, but it seems he witnessed what he interpreted atthe time to be the first sign of Y2K failure at the Happydale Campus(but was in fact a temporary power outage due to a drunken chemistattempting to microwave Jiffy Pop during the millennial changeover),and bolted for the survival bunker, per the AlliedChemical Y2K Apocalypse Strategy Handbook, Section 8.3-8.7.

Drunken Chemist

A bourbon stained message was tapedto the survival bunker airlock door upon which was scrawled, "HA HASUCKERS! THE END IS NIGH. I SHALL RETURN TO REBUILD YOUR SHATTEREDWORLD IN MY IMAGE. THE SQUIDS AREN'T GOING TO INHERIT THE EARTH THISTIME" Also with the note was a drawing of what appeared to be a WW2aircraft gunning down some sort of giant squid.

We tried like mad to let him know everythingwas fine, no honestly we did. Sadly, initial all-clear reports sent tothe bunker were ignored (again, this is consistent with the provisionsof the Allied Chemical Y2K Apocalypse StrategyHandbook, Section 9.5-9.9). Finally we were able to establishand maintain contact with Mr. Ray via the Allied Chemical Pneumatictube network, and a mid 50's manual Smith Corona Typewriter.

From A.Ray. 1/3/00 800 hours

Well gosh that was a HELL of aNewYears party. Every New Years it seems like I pull some sort ofboner that comes back to haunt me, but this is no simple lampshade-on-the-headantic, or unwitting conversion to Islamic Fundamentalism. Yessiree -- I do seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle barrelthis year.

I sort of jumped the gun on that wholeEnd of the World thing. But what do you expect? If flickeringlights, showers of sparks and the smell of burnt popcorndon't make you think it's all over, well, you're made of sterner stuffthan I am me bucko. Hit the anti-mutant repulsor shield first,and ask questions later, that's what I say.

Sanford and Son

So, the long and short of it is, Ilocked myself down here. 'Course the kicker is the calendar forthe time lock reads Jan. 3, 1900. I guess them round boysforgot to make the necessary adjustments and I've been told we're lookingat a few months before you get to see my bright shining face topside.

Despite the unfortunate problem with thedoor, some things seem to be working well. The water decontaminationsystem is humming along like a pack of malaria ridden mosquitoes,the auto-prod medical diagnostic center is running like a charm,and the food stores are fully stocked with Farmer Fred's Happydale Hamspreadand Blobster. My silver jumpsuit fits like a kid glove,and I've got the entire run of Sanford & Son on laser disc.

On the other hand, my Coleco ElectronicFootball game is running down, and I forgot to bring any damn 9-voltbatteries!

Now, I'm not complaining, mind you. I certainly don't want to be one of those needle-nosed bellyacherswho actually seemed let down by our failure to degenerate into bloodthirstymobs looting the local convenience store, and declaring their blockas a new independent republic. Now honestly, who'd really thinkthat a bunch of Gap-wearing, Olive-Garden eating, cul-de-sacdwellers were gonna get all Rambo on us? Did anyone reallybelieve we'd be besieged by Ford Explorers and Subaru Outbacksbearing down on Wal-Mart, their freshly welded machine gun turretsblazing in the night?

Prom Queen

I mean, of course that's what I thoughtwhen I locked myself in here, but come on, it was New Years Eve, the powerwas out, and I was as drunk as a prom queen. Guess I snapped.

Anyway, it's all going to be OK. I'll be here in my bunker running the company from below. All is well. My every possible need is met here, and what betterway to spend the winter than with a nearly inexhaustible supply of themost versatile food known to humanity, Farmer Fred's Happydale Hamspread? What more could I need? Well, I could use the company of my on-again,off-again love interest, the lovely Brigitte Bardot, but I've gotthe tech boys working on that one.

Brigitte Bardot

So Happy New Year everyone. Niceto see it's all good for another day.

The funny thing is, I still don't knowexactly what I meant about the squids.

Saturday, December 25, 1999

Rock the boat , Rock the boat baby

It's been brought to my attention recently that there's this thing called Y2K. I know about it because everywhere I go people just can't stop talking about it. Even that Cheerios breakfast cereal has gone to the trouble of becoming Y2K compliant. What exactly that means I couldn't really tell you, though I am sure it does make someones breakfast a might cheerier

I had to pay one of these bespectacled, eggheaded fellas his weight in gold just to be able to say "yup, that'll work. Your computers now understand that time continues to move forward in spite of the lack of years that start with "19".

Seems a little like racketeering to me...first I have to pay out a whole truckload of dollars for the machine in the first place and then I find out there's some magical problem that I now have to spend more money to fix. What's next, Bill Gates coming to my house asking for $100 not to burn it down?

You know, I met Bill Gates. I ran into him at one of the many secret societies of which I am a member. He came over to say hello while I was playing Chinese Checkers with Rupert Murdoch and Suge Knight.

At first I thought it was one of those Little Rascals kids all grown up -- maybe that Baretta fella. I made some general comments about cockatoos and keeping one's eye on the sparrow, but he didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. What was the deal with that show anyway? He had a cockatoo but was supposed to keep his eye on the sparrow -- is he protecting the cockatoo from the sparrow? Are there viscious sparrows on the loose that we must all be wary of? What sort of bird-infused hell did this man live in?

Watch out

Well, by the time I figured out this wasn't the guy who dropped his pants on the Tonight Show on a regular basis, but was, in fact, richer than the cheese tort at the Friar's, Gunter announced that the sherry had been poured and the ultimate fighting match was about to start. Boy Howdy, did we have a time! That Gates fella was alright. Not much of a conversationalist, but the man enjoys semi-legal hand-to-hand combat just like any man.

Suge, Me, and Bill

Now this Y2K thing is a perfect example of what happens when you don't rock the boat. Thousands, maybe millions of people seeing the big problem on the horizon, knowing full well there'd be a problem a few years down the road, but why stick your neck out? Why try to fix it now? Someone else'll catch it.

Worked out pretty well for the computer folks, but I've got to tell you it's been a big giant pain in the keister for the rest of us. Never mind the billions of dollars we've had to pay them to fix a problem they created -- there've also been the TV Movies and incessant blather of every survivalist yahoo this side of the Blue Ridge Mountains to deal with.

Did we really need another reason to think the world was going to end in the year 2000? Wasn't Beneath the Planet of the Apes enough? Frankly, there've been days I thought the idea of hanging out in black robes worshipping a big A-Bomb didn't sound all that bad.

You see, that's what apocalypses do. They sneak up on you. You don't get the rivers of blood, the rivers simply run dry. Frogs don't start falling from the sky, they grow a third eye and start speaking in iambic pentameter. Computers don't go crazy and try to impregnate Julie Christie, they just threaten to shut down unless Julie goes down to the Office Max and buys new software.

The point is, if someone had opened up their cakehole in one of them meetings and said "hey, we've got to fix this 19 problem", maybe we'd have taken a little time to decide whether or not we needed to put everything on computers. For example, how hard was it to run the generators before? Seems like we get just as many blackouts as we did before they were on computers, and the people that ran them then could be convinced to work New Years.

Julie Christie

Everybody's afraid to speak up. Time to get over that, folks and start rocking the boat. Don't worry about the boat. If a boat can't take a little rocking it ain't that much of a boat. You might want to get on a bigger one. I prefer cabin cruisers myself -- Dom DeLuise can dance the night away with one of them Kate Moss style supermodels and not have to worry about them tossing their dinner overboard (well, not on purpose anyway).

Just like I say in my book Alex Ray Portrait of a Rebel, you've got to be a rebel if you want to succeed in this world. Oh...did I mention I wrote a book? Even recorded some of the most important parts for you to hear. Straight from my mouth to your brain with little to no discomfort involved.

Rocking the Boat is what it's about people, so this New Years Eve, make sure you rock hard. Get out of the house. Drink a little bit. And when midnight comes, don't waste your time worrying about the lights; just give someone a big kiss and start singing. Kissing is better with the lights out anyway and everyone knows the words to Auld Lang Syne (well the important ones anyway).