Arsenal — An owl. It can seem scary when you hear or see it in the night, but it never does anything and eventually you wonder if it is actually alive or just made of wood.

Aston Villa — A lion chew toy that other animals try to eat, but it somehow stays in tact year after year.

Cardiff City — A bluebird sized dragon perched on the shoulder of a man with his trousers pulled up to his nipples.

Chelsea — As I said before, a small horse. Maybe the small horse can win the race this year, but next year the horse will grow and run and stomp on all of the other animals and Pep Guardiola will say, "Whoever trained that horse is much better than I am, so I must quit. This time forever." And then he explodes and I laugh.

Crystal Palace — An eagle drawn on a little car window flag.

Everton — A golden retriever. Pretty. Nice. Loyal. Plus, they can achieve positive things. Just look at the Air Bud films.

Fulham — A turkey? I don't know. Not all of these are going to be good.

Hull City — I will say anything except a tiger just to annoy their owner.

Liverpool — A well-rested Chihuahua that could run through the legs of the horses, but only because it isn't playing in the Champions League, which means nothing it does is impressive. And next season the stress of fixture congestion will leave it hairless and shaking.

Manchester United — A once graceful deer that froze in the headlights and got hit by eight cars and now has a bad limp and doesn't know where it is going.

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Manchester City — A sheikh's thoroughbred with a jockey who cannot beat me no matter how hard he tries.

Newcastle — A French zebra that sniffed too much glue and now has mental trouble.

Norwich City — Canary in an empty methane tank.

Southampton — A squirrel that gathers its nuts and runs to safety when something bigger comes near it.

Stoke City — Skunk. You cannot think of Mark Hughes and not immediately think of a skunk.

Sunderland — Ants. They do very much, but they don't get very far.

Swansea City — Swans that have been swimming in their own feces too long.

Tottenham — Under Villas-Boas, a flock of headless chickens. After Villas-Boas, something smarter and good. Maybe a cougar.

West Brom — Pigeons.

West Ham — The broad-faced potoroo. Like West Ham's style of football, it was a boring animal that went extinct in the 19th century and no one knows much about it. Probably because it was so boring. West Ham are a boring wall of dead animals.