How to Have a Bald Spot

Let's get the bad news out of the way: If you think a bald spot is forming at the top of your head, the time to be paranoid about it is now. If one has already formed, well then, you already know — you're fcked.

And the time to mourn is now, so go cry in a closet somewhere, because there's no room for shame in the game of baldspottery. You're going to have to own it, love it, live it, and learn the right way to treat it. Above all, the key to having a bald spot is going to be pure, unadulterated confidence.

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So, are you growing a bald spot? There's a 40% chance the answer is yes since according to hair loss surgeon, Dr. Robert Leonard, as that's the percentage of men who eventually get bald spots. But if you just can't tell and you think you might be, get confirmation from your barber.

Why you? Well, since we're on the topic, why are there starving childen in the world? These are First World problems people, move on. (However…stress, poor diet, smoking, and male pattern baldness from either mom's or dad's side are all causes for bald spots).

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Does a bald spot mean you're destined to have the head of Danny Devito? No, dear sir, no, you don't even have to look like Prince William if you don't want to. Not if you start following this advice right away. Stop smoking and wearing caps that sit flush with your head; both stress out your already-weary roots. Also, it's time to start using some scalp tingling shampoo, which brings blood to the roots to keep them fed and strong. American Crew Active Shampoo does this well. Consider a daily hair growth vitamin, like Viviscal, but well, if vitamins cured balding then beer could cure ugliness. For longer than a few hours.

Does this balding spot mean your daily routine will become as annoying as your girlfriend's? Depends on your pretty lady, but probably yes. So pick your poison. If the thought of that shiny crown popping out from the back of your head is a tougher pill to swallow than actually swallowing a little blue pill once a day, every day forever (one that might diminish your sex drive) then go visit your doctor and get some Propecia (now available in the generic Finasteride). It will stop the hair loss and even pep up the lagging roots you have left, but it might make your penis sad.

Hate pills? Love sex? Then there's always good ol' Rogaine. They've got a new foaming mousse that is specifically made to treat bald spots and uses Minoxidil, the only FDA approved topical to regrow hair. You've gotta apply it every morning and night, which also means you've got to be prepared to explain why you ritualistically apply mousse before bed to any sleepover date.

And then there's laser technology, which we generally have nothing to say about because we saw how Star Wars ended. But, that's not really fair. Some in the hair loss community are quite excited about the promise of laser technology, which can stimulate hair follicles and increase blood circulation. HairMax, which makes the most popular laser-infused comb, claims that 93% of their users experienced hair growth after using the zapper for eight-to-fifteen minutes, three times a week for twenty-six weeks. But the latest FDA approved device is this igrow laser helmet thing. No comment.

You're already the mother of a bouncing baby bald spot? Cash in! Throw it a baby shower, you'll get presents, maybe a toupee! But if there's still some fighting energy left, you're not S.O.L., because, well, did you know they've cured balding? It's a procedure better than plugs and way more advanced than a simple skin graft hair transplant where they used to cut a patch of scalp off the back of your head that leaves a scar more menacing than a bald spot to begin with.

The real cure for baldness is called is Follicular Unit Extractions (FUE), whereby a doctor extracts the healthiest roots on your head (just above the back of the neck) and place them one by one in a natural looking circle at the top. There's no permanent scarring, it's an outpatient procedure, and requires a good two-to-three week hideout while you heal (there are scabs involved). But, seven months later, you have no bald spot. That's not bad you say, it's a real solution! And yes it is. But prices range from $3-$8 per hair root and most spots need no less than one thousand of the little suckers. After the procedure, you'll still be told to stay on Propecia or Rogaine because if you lose more hair (which you probably will if you're under 50) you'll need another FUE procedure. Because we live in a free market, capitalist society, most places offer payment plans, or you could always just quit your job and get hired as a Bosley spokesman so you can use the employee discount. Don't just dream the impossible dream! Live it! With interest.

Now while all this is happening, you still need to deal with actually having that bald spot. "Always have them blend into the spot, not around it," Says Elle Medico of Paul Labrecque Salon in NYC and Esquire's Hair Hall of Fame Consultant. She says you don't have to resign to camouflage, "Buzzing can actually end up looking obvious and insecure, especially if you're not a buzzcut kind of guy. Keep your style as long as you can, unless you have very long hair, then sorry, cut it." Also, go light on the product and look for anything water based. Or just use sunscreen.

"You really need to keep it protected from the sun," says Todd Greene, CEO and founder of Head Blade, a shave company that makes a good low-shine SPF just for your noggin. But sadly, SPF ingredients either don't rub in well or cause glare, a boon if you're looking to send light into space.

But annoying if not. So, always carry something to cover your head with. Things I've used include: a hat, a bandana, a pocket square, a baseball glove, a purse, a yarmulke, a T-shirt, the newspaper and, on the fly, a two-year-old child. But not all at the same time. That's just silly.