Rug`s Pulled Out From Under Us

SINCE THE DAWN of history, men have had a hope, a dream, a vision, that has been passed down from generation to generation.

Time after time, their hopes have been shattered. But each time, they pick up the pieces and begin anew. They know that someday the answer to the mystery will be found.

The answer to what mystery? To baldness, of course, one of nature`s great injustices. More specifically, a cure for baldness.

Ancient kings rubbed their scalps with goo-goo prepared by the royal pill-pushers, then sighed: ``They failed again--off with their hairy heads.`` OVER THE centuries, men have tired of trying to comb their sideburns up over the top and have tried everything from cow dung to spider webs to grass seed to vitamin pills. They have massaged their heads with flower petals and herbs and spices or a hairy cat.

Nothing has worked. So in modern times, hundreds of thousands of men have taken to taping wigs--now called hairpieces--to their heads. Others have hair from the neck or sideburns transplanted to the tops of their heads. Some even have tattoo artists draw black curls on their scalps.

But nothing can take the place of real hair. Who wants some young lovely running her fingers through his curls only to have the entire thatch snag on her ring and pop loose in her hand? That could give a girl a real fright.

So the search for the magic cure goes on, and many men never lose hope. I found out how many hopefuls there are when I conducted an experiment a few years ago.

I HAPPENED to run across a magazine ad for a hair-growing potion. It intrigued me--not because I believed it, but because of the imaginative claims.

The ad said that some old lady in Australia--Aunt Clara or something like that--had accidentally created the hair-growing potion while whipping up a cure for corns. It didn`t help her corns, but her toes sprouted luxuriant, silky hair. After getting over the shock of having hairy toes, she realized that her potion could be the answer to baldness. So she put it in bottles and began advertising in magazines.

I sent for it, although I was sure that Aunt Clara was really a guy named Marv in a third-floor loft on New York`s 42d Street. And I announced to the readers that I was going to try Aunt Clara`s miraculous hair cure and let them know how it worked.

For weeks, my phone rang hundreds of times a day. The callers were bald or balding men from all over the country, asking in urgent tones how it had turned out.

WHEN I TOLD them that it didn`t, some were distraught. They said things like:

``Look, why don`t you try another bottle? Are you sure you drank it all?``

You don`t drink it. You rub it on your head. And I used it all.

``Well, why don`t you try drinking it?``

Or: ``Are you sure nothing grew?``

Positive.

``Did you look with a magnifying glass? The fuzz might be just starting.``

Yes. I tried a magnifying glass.

``Then try a microscope.``

Hope. That was all they wanted. Just a little hope.

But now the federal government is going to take even that away from them. As you may have heard, the Food and Drug Administration is going to bar the sale of nonprescription baldness cures.

The reason for the ban, the bureaucrats say, is that the products don`t cure baldness.

Of course they don`t. But is that any reason to ban them?

YOU CAN TURN on your TV set and see all sorts of things being sold that don`t do what they claim to do. Or do things that aren`t mentioned.

For example, every beer commercial shows cheerful, clear-eyed people in happy bars. Or sitting around a fishing lodge saying: ``It doesn`t get any better than this.``

Do you ever see a beer commercial that shows somebody throwing up on his shoes or sailing through the windshield of his car?

There are magazine ads for various drinks that always show beautiful people sipping cocktails on spacious lawns or yachts.

Have you ever seen one that shows some guy with the shakes in a bar near his commuter station, having a pop on his way to work?

Of course not. But nobody says that this kind of advertising is a fake and that the products should be banned.

So the federal government should keep its nose out of hair cures.

After all, if we`re expected to believe that the government can lower our taxes while spending more money, then it`s not at all hard to accept that Aunt Clara grew hair on her toes.