Canada To Formally Offer Asylum To Every American Child

OTTAWA, ON—A tearful Justin Trudeau today reminded Canadian lawmakers of their obligation to protect innocent young lives, as he proposed a radical new bill to offer full asylum to every single child in the United States.

Speaking passionately, and at times tearfully, Trudeau described to the House of Commons the harsh reality of American kids living under constant fear of death just going to school, each and every day, all but abandoned by their own government.

“It has been two weeks and the American government has still done nothing. This has gone on long enough. We must do something,” the Canadian Prime Minister pleaded.

“What the hell else can we do? Stand by and do absolutely nothing? We’re not savages up here,” he argued, dismissing claims that allowing up to 75 million kids under the age of 18 could destabilize Canada’s economy somewhat.

Addressing the “children of America” directly, Trudeau urged them to heed Canada’s message:

“Your suffering is over. The Great White North is opening its gates to you; America’s forgotten people. Canada acknowledges its children, we respect our children, hell, we even elect our children Prime Minister.”

“So come to Canada and enjoy some of the most basic privileges in society like healthcare and a good education, and pursue ‘The Canadian Dream’ of living to see your prom.”

Any American child who accepts the offer can look forward to gun-free schools, he continued, detailing that in the unlikely event of a shooting the young immigrants can expect law enforcement officers who will actually engage a school shooter, rather than merely waiting outside for him to run out of steam. To top it off Canada will also provide free healthcare in the incredibly remote chance a child is shot.

On both sides of the U.S. political spectrum American parents reacted positively to the news. “I either don’t see my children until they’re 18 or never again,” said one Iowa father-of-three. “Even if they end up in Edmonton, it probably won’t be a difficult choice.”

In unrelated news, the Prime Minister confirmed a slight change to the Canada Pension Plan, announcing a 25,000% increase to all CPP retirement pensions starting next year.

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