Hello, cyber friends. I would like to address something that is causing me great anxiety and has become the bastard child of social media. Now don’t get me right, I love social media. Twitters, The Facebook, Instantgrams, Youporn–they are all amazing and consume just about 90% of my waking hours. However, with the good comes the bad. A dark side of social media has evolved. And I don’t mean FEM/DOMS on Craigslist; I am talking annoyances such as The Poke, Farmville, #VineAfterDark (please don’t look at that), political rants, #blessed humble brags, potty training posts, and so forth. But there is one granddaddy of them all that sucks mud. I am talking about the offspring of asshole and douchebag: The SELFIE.

You know what I’m talking about. That annoying picture you post of YOURSELF to remind the world just how attractive you are. Shut the f*cking door. I can’t take it anymore (partially because I am not attractive enough to post a selfie). Hey, pretty model with the fantastic ass, we get it. You are pretty. Thanks. You don’t have to post your face 45 times a day. We don’t need to see your cool new necklace that just so happens to sit between your gigantic store-bought and overly spray-tanned breasts. Oh and PS, if you still take mirror shot selfies for your MySpace profile, then quit reading this blog, sell your Buick Enclave, and never reproduce.

Now I know that YOU, cool reader, are not one of those who post a half trillion selfies a day, but I know you have a friend who does. We all do. Mine happens to be a D-list reality star who is so good looking it makes me reconsider gay. I can see him counting his “likes” right now whilst recounting his abs. As far as I know, he doesn’t own a shirt and has never eaten a carb in his life. Oh, and if you follow any promo girls on social media, you feel my selfie-inflicted pain.

To any of my nine readers who do post gazillons of selfies, hear me now. Please head down to the public library and search the card catalog for a book called The Dictionary. Once you locate said book, look up the word HUMBLE. This will be a foreign word to you, but study it for some time. Also, because I care for you, I am here to help you overcome your selfie addiction. Here are a few guidelines to aid you in your quest to not being such a douche on social media:
-It is still a selfie if you are holding a baby animal.
-The only place a selfie is acceptable is on Snapchat.
-Think of it this way: Does your grandmother post selfies? No. Unless she is a whore. If so, tell her to Instagram me @furbustrey.
-Calling yourself out in the status of a selfie doesn’t make it ok. Hashtag #selfie doesn’t make it ok. Matter of fact, nothing makes it ok.

And without further ado, here are some of THE ABSOLUTE WORST my favorites:

1. The Gym Selfie (Because the checkin isn’t enough.)

2. The Pet Selfie (If you want to post a picture of your pet, post a picture of your pet.)

Unless this happens, then it’s ok:

3. The Car Selfie AKA The Seatbelt Selfie (You LITERALLY got in the car and thought, “I look so good today, I better let everyone know before I put this thing in drive and head to my shift at the Olive Garden.”)

If you can combine the Seatbelt Selfie with the beloved Shirtless Selfie like this unattractive fella below, you..are…GOLD.

4. The Blurry Selfie (Why?)

5. The Just Woke Up Selfie

Yeah right you just woke up.

6. Or even worse, the Pretending to Be Asleep Selfie. (We know you’re not asleep, asshole. You took the damn picture.)

7. The Add a Kid Selfie (Extra points for bikini and tats.)

8. The Hospital Selfie (A rare gem. The more tubes you have hooked up to you, the better.)

9. The “I’m On Alcohol” Selfie (This looker below also qualifies as the Look At My New Haircut Selfie.)

10. The Duck Face Selfie (Hey girls. This doesn’t make you prettier. It makes you look stupid and desperate. If that’s what you’re going for, carry on.)

11. The Pregant Belly Mirror Selfie (Send this to your family and friends, not the entire Internet.)And yes, that’s a pregnant belly duck face selfie. It’s the unicorn of awful selfies.

12. The “I Have Enough Money to Fly On an Airplane” Selfie (AND I own earbuds.)

13. The 3D Selfie. (It takes talent…along with class.)

14. The Say Something That Has Nothing To Do With Anything Selfie (You had a great night? Oh.)

15. The “I Live In Filth” Selfie (We all make messes, but if you’re going to post your living quarters on the World Wide Web, pick up your damn room.)

There are so many more, but I’m running out of time on my prepaid Wi-Fi at the Internet cafe and I still have to check Youporn and Friendster. In conclusion: If there’s really something on your face or body you HAVE to share (Halloween makeup/costume, fine, whatever), and there is no one around to take a photo, then society will let you slide, but other than that, please try to refrain from letting the world know you think you’re hot in the most douchetastic of ways. And remember, friends don’t let friends selfie.