A Thirty-Something: Jesus Follower. Fire Wife. Mama to Ella.
I'm head-over-heels, crazy-in-love with my husband, our daughter, and our life. It's not always perfect (and I'm not afraid to let that show), but I love it just as it is.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Why You Don't Want To Be God

I have a confession to make. It's one I'm sure that all of you can identify with, at one point or another, in your own lives. Maybe it's something you're struggling with right now. And no doubt, it is something that you will struggle with again in the future, if you're not finding issue with it right now.

I am an insecure woman.

I blame it all on Eve, too. When she was in the Garden of Eden, the serpent spoke to her, telling her that if she ate from the tree in the middle of the Garden (the tree that God specifically instructed her NOT to eat from, mind you), her eyes would be opened, and she would be like God, knowing good and evil. She gave some of the fruit from the tree to her husband, Adam, and they both ate it. It was then that both of their eyes were opened, and they realized that they were naked. 'Twas what introduced us to insecurity.

I briefly mentioned finding an old journal of Mr. Lukie's a few months ago, and how my heart had been bruised upon reading its contents. At the time I wrote that, I had discovered it just the day before, and I hadn't yet learned what lesson God was trying to teach me through reading such hurtful things. Since then, I have prayed that God would remove the images of the words in that journal from my mind. That he would rid me of the words and phrases that I repeated over and over in my head. That the only recollection I would have of that experience was that it had happened, but to remove the details from me so that my heart could heal. And would you believe that my prayers have been answered? Details, images, phrases and words have been eliminated from my thoughts!

Since then, I have delved into Beth Moore's, "So Long, Insecurity," book. What an amazingly life changing book it has been, so far. If you haven't read it, I strongly encourage you to pick up a copy and read it as soon as possible. The confidence and wisdom you will gain from it is awe inspiring. I don't know that any book (aside from the Bible) has changed my life as significantly, or as quickly, as "So Long, Insecurity," has.

God spoke to me yesterday, while reading on my Kindle at the DMV. (And if God can speak to me through my Kindle at the DMV, then you know He wanted me to hear what He had to say. Especially with all of the great people watching one can do at the DMV). He opened my eyes to the lesson I needed to learn surrounding the journal.

I was trying to be like God. Now, please don't mistake that for trying to be Christ-like. Trying to be Christ-like is commendable, preferable. Trying to be like God is sinful, detrimental. I wanted to be omniscient; to know everything I could know about my husband, in the way that God knows everything there is to know about him. Even those things that I didn't need to know, shouldn't have known. God can handle knowing those things; it is His calling and because He is omnipotent and omniscient, these are things for Him to know, and Him only.

I knew Mr. Lukie's journal was in the recycling bin. It had originally been at the bottom of the bin; however, when I took the bin out to the curb, it was sitting on the very top of the pile. Tempting me, in the way that only The Enemy can. Begging me to open it up, just to the first page. That's all I needed, was the first page. After that, I would put it back. But the first page turned into the first entry, which turned into the second entry, which turned into the entire journal, cover to cover. I absolutely made a choice to open his journal and read through the events of his life from 10 years ago.

Why?

Because I am insecure.

I was seeking reassurance that I am the love of his life. That I am the most beautiful woman he has ever loved. That I am everything to him, and more.

I don't need to be the love of his life, or the most beautiful woman he has ever loved, or everything to him, and more. I need to be the love of God's life, the most beautiful woman He has ever loved, everything to Him, and more. And I am!

I was seeking to be a god to my husband. I cannot be those things for him, only God can. And my husband cannot be those things for me, only God can.

The reason that journal was at the bottom of the recycling bin in the first place is because God knew that my heart and mind couldn't handle the contents found inside. For whatever reason, and in whatever way, the journal made its way to the top of the pile. Instead of leaving things be, I insisted on knowing more. On playing God, and delving into my husbands personal life, long before we ever met. Things that have no affect on me, or on our marriage, whatsoever. The person I read about in that journal is not the man I am married to. That was a broken, weak man, living his life of the world. The man I am married to is still broken, as we all are, but he is a strong man, living his life God's way.

I urge each of you who snoop and pry, who try to play God, to stop. Just stop. Don't allow the serpent to convince you to eat of the tree of good and evil. God protects what He directs. But when we allow our curiosity to get the better of us, we are in for the biggest emotional, psychological and spiritual battle of our lives.

10 comments:

This post is brilliant. I struggle with repeating things over and over in my mind and having to turn them over to God. It is a good reminder. And not knowing, is sometimes so much better, and I'm thankful for that reminder too.

I can relate - I definitely used to be like that in relationships. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know how important I was, how special I was, how attractive I was. But I think all it did was show how broken I was, which, when you're making decisions that make you appear even more broken, it isn't the best way to impress your partner.

This was a great post for me, going into a new relationship. I don't need to know everything. He can't fulfill me in the same way that God can, and that is a fact that I will need to hang onto as the relationship progresses.

This.was.wonderful! I completely understand (being married to an older man) how it feels to wonder about their "prior" life. I once found a box of pictures from my Hubby's highschool years. All of the girlfriends and girls who he had dated, or had given him pictures. Looked through every last one of them, I did. Not the wisest thing to do. :)

Later in our marriage, as we've gone through a LOT of trials it seems, God is ever reminding us that our job is not to please eachother, but to first please Him. We spend all of our time trying to figure out what eachother needs, but what we need is to be like Christ- the rest will fall into place when we please the Father first.

Not only does this apply in marriages, but also in the rest of life's relationships. Insecurity ultimately leads to frustrations, and discontentment - neither of which have a place in living victoriously. We must always decrease so that Christ might increase. More of Him, more of Him, more of Him.

"The person I read about in that journal is not the man I am married to. That was a broken, weak man, living his life of the world. The man I am married to is still broken, as we all are, but he is a strong man, living his life God's way."

I've never been here before, but I happened to click on your blog through your comment on LeAnna's blog. This entry almost brought me to tears, #1 because I deal with my hubby's past too, and your words above struck my heart just where I needed it, and #2 because I try to make sure he "worships" me, when I should be trying to point him to the one who made him instead.

Thank you for being vulnerable about this... it really, really encouraged me.

What a beautiful and insightful post! I often find myself wanting to know everything about my husband too...and have been both saddened by the fact that I missed out on so much of his life, as well as hurt when he has shared some of it with me. You're right, we are not meant to know everything- that is God's job because he can handle it better than we can.