Alex Teach has been a police officer for 20 years, so he knows what he's talking about when he writes in the Chattanooga Pulse that the area's prostitutes — oh, sorry, I mean the "hideous local specimens" — are BY FAR the ugliest prostitutes in the entire nation, according to a think tank comprised of "a past crew of the Fox television staple Cops."

He's using his expertise to bring this to your attention because this is bad for the economy. Yes, this is where his brilliant 'hookernomics' plan comes in:

It doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize the far-reaching implications this has on a town, both socially and economically.

Think: What does it say about the median income of our local populace? It says they are broke, or at least cripplingly cheap customers. When a customer is cheap at a restaurant, they tip poorly. Poor tips mean wait staff quit for better pay elsewhere, and they're replaced by inferior workers. Inferior workers mean customer dissatisfaction and therefore fewer customers patronize the place and the business struggles.

Same thing with hookers, except in this case the business failing is represented by a systematic loss of teeth by the staff (no pun intended) and an increase in the percentage of their bodies covered by grime and sores. And so go the prices, and so goes the quality of the product (or at least its marketability).

You guys, Officer Teach is just being real. "Richard Gere isn't going to be driving by anytime soon in his Lotus to romanticize this dark vocation," he explains. I hope we've all learned something here today.