Tuesday, January 31, 2012

(Venus in Pisces is considered to be an "exalted" placement: full of open-hearted non-judgmental love and willingness to express it. Mars in Virgo is looking to win by analyzing the details. The two positions are opposite each other, and Venus opposition Mars is in full effect now.)

***

(SCENE: Late night at Acme Laboratories. In a darkened corner two laboratory mice in a cage are huddled over a tiny little computer, checking out a dating site.)

PINKY: Oy, what about this one, Brain? She seems really nice, and oh look... she likes long walks! That could come in handy. Narf!

BRAIN: Don't be ridiculous, Pinky. Pay attention to the rest of her ad. "Must be goal-oriented and self sufficient."

PINKY: Well, that's you, isn't it?

BRAIN: That's a code-phrase for "she's a gold-digger" Pinky. You know I can't touch my savings. I need it for a new Death Ray!

PINKY: Oh, okay. Hey, look at this ad! She says she's easygoing and appreciates being able to relax with a loved one over a glass of fine wine!

BRAIN: She has low standards and a drinking problem. Next!

PINKY: Well, SurferGirl67 likes classical music like you do...

BRAIN: I hate what she's done with her hair.

PINKY: This one has a fondness for animals...

BRAIN: I am an animal! She'd never be faithful!

PINKY: SunshineLover81 enjoys spending time on the beach and --

BRAIN: --and is an unmotivated skin-cancer candidate.

PINKY: AudreyJ has loved and lost but is ready to try again...

BRAIN: Too many issues with her ex.

PINKY: JJLaRue says she's wild, spontaneous, and affectionate...

BRAIN: Tramp.

PINKY: IowaHomegirl wants a committed relationship that lines up with her values...

BRAIN: Prude.

PINKY: Narf! You aren't making this easy, Brain! You're analyzing everything to death!

BRAIN: (Turns off computer and walks to the edge of the cage, stares off into the distance) Enough of this foolishness! You know what we're going to do tonight, Pinky?

PINKY: Go out and try to find someone in person, so we can see them for who they really are instead of dismissing them offhandedly based on a few lines of type and a couple of pictures?

BRAIN: No Pinky. We're going to try to take over the world with my army of remote controlled pigeons I've trained to poop on anyone whop dares challenge our dominance. It's a much more practical and achievable goal.

PINKY: (sighs) I'm lonely.

BRAIN: Shut up Pinky.

(This Thursday on "Conquer The Universe With Astrology": it's Astrology: The Pants-Optional Venus And Mars Show." Click HERE to set a reminder... and bring a date if you like.)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

More people would take advantage of the services of a professional Astrologer if they knew what an astrologer can actually DO for them. Here's a brief introductory video... with lots and lots of scary warnings about side effects.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Whenever Venus enters Pisces... the sign of it's "exaltation"... it's time for the astrology bloggers to bust out the synonyms for "depth" and "compassion" and "confusion" and...

Why not just watch an 8 minute video that says and shows everything you need to know about Venus in Pisces, without actually spelling it out... which is kinda Piscean, if you think about it...

"To what end be Death, if not for Love?" Wow, look at all the colors! Hey, why is everyone dancing? Why am I dancing? "And what be life, if not for Love?" Holy cow, you're beautiful! "Say a hundred things, should you wish, the meaning still remains the same." I think I'm in love with you. "Who has ever known what Love is, and yet EVERYONE knows what Love is." Hey... is that a Product Placement? I know I shouldn't, but I'm so thirsty and this is delicious! "A garden of roses, love; strewn with thorns too, is love." I think I'm in love with you too. Hey, where did you go...?

Just put the astrology texts down for eight minutes and watch this instead. It will tell you everything Venus in Pisces wants you to know, and in far better style than I could ever muster. Hope you don't mind subtitles.

Monday, January 9, 2012

I don't look at my own personal transits every day. As a matter of fact, I do it about as often as I get around to shaving... which, being a self-employed work-at-home type with naturally slovenly tendencies, isn't as often as it should be. But it does happen, and when it does I freely admit to suffering the same flaw that any other astrologer will admit to (if they are human and honest about it): it's pretty damned hard to be objective about yourself.

Or, as I used to tell my students on the subject: "Even the world's best surgeon probably shouldn't try to take out his or her own appendix."

Nonetheless, this Christmas Eve I sat down to check out my own transits before commencing with my day. I admit I was troubled to see as many difficult aspects happening that day as I did.

My original plan had been to attend the Christmas Eve fund-raising event run by Muttville Senior Dog Rescue. They do good work, and besides... a $1.00 Senior Dog Kissing Booth? Holy cow, does it really ever get better than that?

A typical Muttvile Dog description: "Bumper is a 12 year old corgi mix, possibly with some Shepard or Jack Russell terrier. He was rescued from a high kill shelter by Muttville and has nothing but love for other dogs and people. Despite being completely blind and partially deaf, this little guy gets around very well."

C'mon. Seriously. If that doesn't have you ready to scream with some combination of small-child glee and full-to-bursting Buddha compassion, check yourself for a pulse.

So before heading out, I had a look at the astrology of the day. And my thought processes were a little like this:

"Hmmm. Uranus is square my Jupiter, but that's been going on for a long time, so let's not worry about that just this second. The North Node is conjunct my Sun, but... yeah, well, that has a whole bunch of karmic implications that are kind of hard to nail down practically. And this morning's New Moon was conjunct my Mercury-Venus midpoint, which is, umm... kinda karmic too, so God knows what that could mean. But: Transiting Mars is conjunct my natal Uranus-Pluto conjunction, and square my Sun, so.... hmmm... violently unexpected Ego upsets? A sense of either being denied my destiny, or finding it and getting screwed by it? Maybe."

Naturally, I put that together with my plans and figured that perhaps I'd go there, see a dog I wanted but could never keep in my place, and I'd be devastated. Or maybe I just wouldn't care but couldn't afford the fee, and I'd get caught smuggling some three-legged terrier out under my jacket, or something like that. So I decided to avoid the whole matter entirely, and I changed my plans and went and did something a lot more emotionally safe.

***

This is why at 1:28 PM on Christmas Eve, while I was walking to the grocery store, my right foot was run over as I crossed the street, breaking four metatarsal bones like they were kindling. And of course, in hindsight, that incident fit the astrological symbolism of the time far better than any imaginary screaming fit over a dog.

Astrology doesn't lie... but if we let our expectations do all the talking, we'll never accurately hear what Astrology is actually saying to us.

(And yes, for those of you still wondering, I'm alive enough that sometime in the next week "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" really WILL be back, starting with the 2012 Forecast Show. Here's an excitingly non-specific preview. Now hand me the Vicodin.)