THREE+ME: They like me, they like me not

Saturday

Sep 9, 2017 at 7:00 AM

The stuff that really matters to a stepkid

Em LeighHerald News Staff

When I was about 11 or 12, it entered my consciousness that some adults just don’t like kids. But I didn’t understand it. “All grown-ups were kids once,” was my logic. “How can they not like what they themselves used to be?”

I didn’t get it.

Now, I guess I must be a grown-up, because I do get it. Not everyone likes hanging out with kids. It’s tiring, and sometimes it’s hard to figure out what to do with them.

But for me, my biggest fear being around kids is ... I’m afraid they won’t like me.

That was my biggest fear, when I first met my then-boyfriend/now-husband’s kids — that they wouldn’t like me.

It’s my fear every time I’m around other people’s kids, too.

But time after time, I’ve been reminded of what it takes for kids to like you: Stop thinking about you.

For just a second, stop being a stuffy adult. Yes, you need to set rules and boundaries; that’s your job as a grown-up. But don’t forget that sometimes the thing that means the most to kids is really just paying attention to them.

My latest reminder of this happened at my friend’s wedding, and it actually didn’t involve my stepkids. It involved the flower girl and ringbearer. As a bridesmaid, I was around them a lot that day, and at first I wasn’t sure what to say or how to engage with them. So I avoided them, hoping somebody else smarter than me would talk to them.

But as the ceremony got closer, the bridal party was cloistered away, and we all had no one to talk to but each other. That was when the flower girl came up to me. Before I knew it, she asked if we could talk in opposites: “The sky is not blue.” “The wedding rings are so ugly.” “Talking like this is not hurting my brain at all.”

And I could have been a stuffy adult. I could have brushed her off, said no, hung out with the other bridesmaids my age. I could have been like one of those grown-ups I’d heard about when I was 12, one that doesn’t like kids.

But I didn’t. She’d answered my question of what to talk to her about, so I jumped on it. And as I made a valiant effort to wrap my head around this concept of opposites, both of us were soon giggling ridiculously.

The ringbearer thought we looked like fun, so he came and joined us. He was too young to understand the whole opposites thing, but he did understand high-fives, so we played games with that.

The rest of the day, I hung out with them. We didn’t do anything drastic or crazy, I didn’t jump through hoops to entertain them. I was just there with them.

We acted silly. We hit up the photobooth. We even built a tower of plastic drinking glasses while waiting for food (multiple times, because it kept falling). Particularly with the tower-building, I’ll admit I was afraid I wasn’t setting the best example; but I felt relieved when the pastor, who’d led the ceremony, commented on how much fun we were having. (I mean, if the pastor gives you the OK, you’re probably in the clear, right?)

At the end of the day, the flower girl confessed, “I didn’t think I’d have fun at this wedding. But because of you, I did.”

Even the groom’s mom noticed. “You’re so good with the kids,” she commented. “Are you a teacher?”

I grinned. I’m not a teacher. I haven’t had any training in this. There’s no manual for being a stepmother. Every day, I’m just winging it and seeing what sticks. That’s kind of how we go through life anyway, right?

“Nope, I’m not a teacher,” I told her. And I smiled. “Actually, I’m a stepmom.”