Kevorkian Mentor Bureau: After
centuries of avoiding the press, Death is now granting
interviews right and left to promote his new
autobiography, Im OK, Youre DOA.
Dressed in a hooded brocade robe (with a Ralph Lauren
polo emblem on the breast pocket) and carrying a Ginsu
scythe, the Grim Reaper recently spoke to Off-Kilter.

Question: Mr. Reaper ... Answer: Please! Call me Grim. Q: OK, Grim, your memoirs hint at an unhappy
childhood. Can you tell us a little about it? A: Well, until I discovered my gift, I
constantly got picked on and beat up. But after that, I
was treated with respect. I was elected class president,
helped edit the school newspaper and was voted
most likely to slaughter millions of innocent
humans. Q: Do you like your job? A: Its a living. Q: But dont you have trouble sleeping at
night, knowing all the pain and suffering you cause? A: Look, I am sick and tired of everyone
blubbering about all the poor dead people and their poor
grieving relatives. Does anybody ever consider MY
feelings? Noooooo. Its always about the
victims. Q: How are you able to kill so many people
simultaneously? A: Its similar to the way Santa Claus
delivers presents to the entire world in a single night. Q: You have reindeer and a sleigh? A: No, just a technique I picked up by reading
The Complete Idiots Guide to Mortality.
Q: Where do you live? A: Basically, Im on the road a lot,
although Ive been thinking about getting a place in
India or Pakistan. Q: What are you reading these days? A: Chicken Soup for the Homicidal
Maniacs Soul. It has some really
heartwarming stories. Q: Any hobbies? A: I like country music a lot. And crocheting.
But I spend most of my spare time the way other guys do
-- tinkering in the garage, channel-surfing and
developing penicillin-resistant viruses. Q: Hows your love life? A: Sadly, I have trouble getting dates, even
though people tell me Im a real lady-killer. Q: Has your job changed over the years? A: Theres a lot more paperwork today.
Before, I could kill indiscriminately, no questions asked.
But now I have to get permits, fill out forms for God and
Satan, etc. Its a wonder I get anything done. Q: What was your toughest assignment? A: Dallas, 1963. Oswald was such a bad shot. You
wouldnt believe the way I had to make that bullet
dance to pull it off. Q: Is that your proudest accomplishment? A: No, that would be the plague. It was a real
breakthrough for me. Q: Have you ever blown an assignment? A: Very rarely. Lazarus and Jesus, of course.
And Elvis. I actually had Presley in custody, but someone
in legal found a typo in the paperwork and we had to
release him. My secretary had misspelled his middle name
as Aron instead of Aaron. So he went into hiding. But I
follow the supermarket tabloids, so Ill find him. Q: Whats your salary? A: I could tell you, but Id have to kill
you.