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The Fear

The Fear

this is a completely made up story and the people in it are completely fictional. Also this is a different approach than i would usually do for a stroy and i will admit that it is a bit dark please keep reading. Let me know what you guys think

The Fear

Chapter 1

The Fear
“I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore. I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore. When do you think it will all become clear? Cuz I’m being taken over by the fear.” Lily Allen’s song “the fear” was playing on my IPod. The lyrics have come to mean so much to me recently. I really could relate to them.

As I sat in the wind and rain looking down the fast flowing river below I began to contemplate the next move. I had come here for a reason, to end my life, but doubts had crept in. Was it worth it? Was it the only option left? How did I get to the point when I felt suicide is the only option? How did I get so lost?

Tears started to make their way down my face and I stared at the drop below me. I was shaking because I was so cold but kept telling myself it wouldn’t matter in a few minutes. The song was on repeat one so it was the third or fourth time it had played and the lyrics were beginning to grate on me so I decided to skip the next song, it was Coldplay’s Fix You, which didn’t help in the slightest.

So while I am on the edge of this bridge I should probably tell you about myself and tell you how I have ended up there. Well my name is Lucas, I am 24 and I live on the outskirts of Edinburgh, Scotland. I am 5ft 11, 180 lb and am in decent shape. I don’t go to the gym or anything but I play football (soccer for you American readers) 3 times a week with people I work with. I usually spend my spare time on my Xbox but I don’t usually get much time on that. I am a partly out guy. My friends and my sister know that I am guy but people at my work and parents don’t. I have two different reasons they don’t know. I have not told people at work because I feel it is not their business to know and at the end of the day they are just people I work with and not what I would consider as a friend. I have yet to tell my parents as they are separated and both have told me in the past if I was gay I would be disowned so I would rather keep it from them. I am currently single. I have had a few boyfriends but nothing serious. I have also had a few relationships with females (to keep the parents happy as well as I enjoy sex with them every so often.)

So why am I sitting on the side of a bridge and looking in to the darkest moment of my life to date. Well in all honestly I am unsure. When I compare myself to others less fortunate than myself I think am an idiot for wanting to do it. I am a health young male and there are sick people out there who would kill to be in my place.

But I fell in love. It’s amazing. I have been in love with the same guy since I was 18. He means the world to me. The best way I can describe it is that when I look at him all I can feel is he’s the one. The one guy its worth waking up for, the one who you can’t wait to get a text, tweet or facebook comment from. The only one who understands me and gets me for who I am. I sure you have all known what love is and how it makes you feel and you may be thinking “why the hell are you on the edge of bridge when you are in love?

The problem is he doesn’t feel the same way. The main reason for this is because he is straight. Which in all fairness it’s a good enough reason.
So here I am! Needing to feel loved, like everyone I guess. So now I have let you know what I am doing where I am I had better get on with it.
I took in a deep breath, admired my surroundings for the last time. Thought of my family and friends as I was about to take the last step.

Re: The Fear

Thanks for sharing this story with us.
I hope someone is going to turn up in the next chapter. Someone that Lucas can talk to about his feelings perhaps. Otherwise it's going to be a short chapter .... and I want to read much more about how Lucas got into this situation and how he's going to get out of it.

Re: The Fear

It really is a great beginning. As JAG posted, we either need a guardian angle of some sort to stop Lucas from this dreadful deed or we are going to have an afterlife adventure with Lucas wondering why he did it. My bet is on the first scenario and I look forward to reading it. Welcome to the story forum, tamk13.

Re: The Fear

Chapter 2

I woke with a deep breath and I jolt. The last thing in my memory is falling and when I woke I was in been in a white sunny room. There was a tube in my nose so breathing was difficult. I couldn’t really move. All I could do is shift my eyes about to see what was in the room and try to figure out where I was. I quickly realised it was a hospital room. There was a window and there appear to be a garden outside it. The room was a private one; I had another window to what must have been the ward. There was breathing equipment and a TV and that pretty much covered what was there.

I was confused as I could think of why I was here. As I lay there, I tried to rattle my brain. After some time it started to come back to me, the horror of what happened. I started to cry again as the reality of what I have actually done is hitting me. I felt awful. I had been so selfish.

I tried to move so I could wipe my eyes but I still couldn’t move. This was upsetting me more. I was trying to think how could I get attention or some help. I tried to shout but only a small noise came out. So I was left there just to think.

After what felt like hours but was really probably only twenty minutes or so, a young nurse came in. As she came closer to me, the rather happy look on her face changed to shock as she noticed I was awake.

“Hello, Can you hear me alright” she asked
“Yeah” I managed to whisper back to her
“That’s great; I am just going to get your doctor to come in so he can check on you. I will only be a moment”

She left the room promptly and all I could do is wait until she arrived back. She was back quite quickly and had a big smile on her face.

“He is just on his way; I will go get you a drink of water”

As the nurse left, a rather nice looking young doctor came in. He was about my height and had a really young looking face. I would have guessed 26-27 and was in great shape.

“Hello, I’m doctor Welsh. I understand you will have a lot of questions and I will answer them the best I can but before I do that I will just give you a quick check up and make sure everything is alright.”

He took the clip board from the base of the bed and noted down a few of the readings. He shone his torch thing in my eyes, nose and ears. He checked my pulse and started to poke bits of my arms and legs asking if I could feel it. Luckily I could so that was slightly relieving. The nice nurse woman came back in and had a plastic cup of water and a straw. She put it at the table side and stood at the side of the bed.

“Well you will be happy to know everything seems normal and it looks like you have feeling to all your limbs so that is a good sign” Dr Welsh said to me with a smile on his face.
“Ok I will tell you what’s has happened and you can ask any questions once I have finished. Do you remember what happened?” He asked
“Well what I can remember is that I... I.... I jumped from a bridge in to what I think was water but am not sure and the rest is a bit blurry” I said. I couldn’t look the doctor in the eye while I said it, I was so ashamed
“Well it’s good you remember that much. Yes, you went off the bridge into water. You where knocked out on impact and have been in a coma since. You have been in a coma for two weeks. You dislocated your shoulder and elbow joints on impact and had a few cuts and bruising but over all you have been pretty lucky. We will do a lot more tests to check everything is ok and there is no hidden damage. If things are all good then we will take the steps to let you go home. The police will come visit you at some point over the next few days and there will be people coming to visit you to ask about what happened. Overall you are in good health and are very lucky to be alive. Right that is all I can tell you at the moment, is there anything you want to ask about?”

I was almost too scared to ask anything. I was so embarrassed and ashamed about what I had done.
“What time is it” of all the things to ask that was the thing to come out
“Its 9:30 in the morning” Dr welsh said with a smirk
“How did I end up here?” I said almost interrupting him as I was completely confused about how I went from a river to a hospital bed.
“ well someone was walking their dog at the rivers bank and heard someone singing and happened to look at as you came down. He jumped in after you and pulled you to the bank and called the ambulance. “
“He has also been in to visit you a few times to see how you are doing and to drop off this to you in a hope it would wake you up” chirped in the nurse, who opened the drawer next to the bed and brought out my iPod.
“You have had a lot of visitors since, you family have been in every day as well as friends, one in particular hasn’t left really. He was outside earlier but has just gone to get breakfast. He said his name was Calvin”
I was shocked to hear of Calvin’s name, it chilled me to the bone to know that he was here. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing anyone but he is the one person I can’t see.

Re: The Fear

What a relief in knowing Lucas is OK and on the mends in the hospital. It will be good for him to see his family even though a lot of questions will be asked. He must be brave and not allow it to put him any deeper in his depression. There has to be a reason his life was spared and I suspect it will involve Calvin. Great to have an update, tamk13.

Re: The Fear

Cheers for the feedback guys. I will try and keep updating when ever i can. I am also every few chapters going to do a flash back chapter. Just tp give you advanced warning

Chapter 3

As the Nurses passed in and out the room I was still panicking about seeing Calvin. In a way I was glad that I was to be kept away from family until the police had a chance to talk to me. All I could do is worry. My mind raced with excuses like I fell or I was dunk and slipped but I was more than sure none of that would have been good enough. As I was in deep thought I never noticed that the nurse was talking to me.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch what you said there, was in a bit of a day dream”

It was the nice nurse who was the first person I saw since. I have found out her name is Jackie and she’s been a nurse for many years. She has been great. I think she’s taken a wee shine to me or she feels really sorry for me

“I was just wondering if you needed anything honey?”

“Maybe just a drink of water. By any chance do you know when I will be able to walk about?”

“I’m not too sure love but I can let you sit up and can put the TV on for you?”

“That would be great, getting bored of just lying here”

Jackie topped up my water, sat me up and put the TV on. It was some crappy talk show. I continued my thought and excuses for what I had done. I was also trying to remember before the bridge. I had forgotten a lot of what happened in the run up. I can remember driving to the bridge but anything of that day is a blank.

A short time later I got a visit from two police officers. They asked me questions on what I can remember, asked what had led me to do what I had done. I was given information about help lines that I can contact and was mentioned that I will need to talk to a therapist. One of the officers I knew from school which didn’t help in the slightest. He asked about my work and said he would contact me after I get out of the hospital (which he did while the other guy was out the room). There visit left me feeling really down and feeling sorry for myself. It was horrible. They did tell me I had sent a few strange texts to people before I had jumped and that I hadn’t left a note saying goodbye to people so at least they had helped me put a few pieces together about what had been going on.

As I lay there deep in thought, the door opened. It was Jackie

“There is a young gentleman here to see you, do you want me to let him in or do you want a bit more time?”

This was it, I was sure it was Calvin and I was going to have to face him. This was the thing
I was dreading. I didn’t want to tell him the main reason I jumped was him, how can you tell someone that. I decided that I had better just get it over with now because the longer I leave it the harder it would be.

“Yes, ok Jackie, I will see him” I whispered. I could already feel the tears forming in my eyes.

As the door opened again I saw him. Calvin walked in looking cute as ever. H is about 5ft 8, ginger/brown hair that wasn’t styled for a change. He looked scared but happy at to see me at the same time. He was wearing jeans, a red t-shirt that I had bought him for a birthday the year before and his black scruffy converse. God he looked so cute. He walked up to the bed and leaned over me and gave me the biggest hug ever. It hurt quite a lot but it was worth it. I felt so safe in his arms. He pulled away and I saw tears going down his face.

“I’m so glad that you’re ok” he mumbled as he tried to wipe away the tears “I have never been so worried”

“I’m sorry Cal; I don’t know what I was thinking ...”

“I ‘m going to say to you now before you get in to it, we are not going to talk about it just now, there will be time for that later. Just now I just want to stay here with you and catch you up on what you have missed. I am not going to leave your side until you’re out of this place” he said quite sternly to me.

Maybe he is not ready to talk about it or maybe he think I have talked about it enough. Whatever the reason was I was just glad he was here. I could feel myself smile as he told me stories of what our friends have been up to and that he had gotten #wakeuplucas trending on twitter. Still as he talked to me all I could think about is how much I love him.

Re: The Fear

I'm sorry for the delay in this, life is just hetic. i will try to update this more regularly

Chapter four

Over the days I was healing great. I was feeding myself and walking about my room. I even had gotten to get a shower without someone helping me which was great. Calvin was still in to see me twice a day and on weekend he stayed overnight with me. It was great. I had had a few visitors; my parents came in separately to see me with their partners. Some of the guys from my footy team also came in to see me and let me know they need me back as they have been beaten a couple of times. I think this would also be the time to tell you some stories about Calvin and I past so you get some back ground information.

As I mentioned I had met him when I was 18. I was a typical Saturday night. My Friend Tom had invited me to his cousin’s house for a party and since it was the week before pay day this was perfect. At this point I worked in a supermarket and it was hell. Terrible hours and pay but least it was money. So I had headed to tom’s pad after work. We had got a couple of drinks there as we were getting ready to go out.

“So is there anyone going you know bar you cousin” I asked tom

“I don’t know mate, I don’t think so. Least it’s something to do”

“Yeah, you might even find a blonde to do as well” I joked. Tom had recently broken up with his girlfriend and was on the hunt.

“I fucking hope so mate, I am horned up to the max, that the only reason I miss that scumbag Vicky, Pam and her five sisters just aren’t doing the job”

“Dude, I don’t want to hear about your wanking habits, I have walked in on you enough times to last me a life time”

“Well you will insist on walking in without knocking”

We continued joking about wanking and girls he liked as we finished out beers. Tom didn’t know I was gay at this point so was going on about setting me up with a girl. This conversation never seemed to end on the bus journey up to his cousin’s house. Once we had arrived you could tell most of the people were already wasted. There was someone sleeping on the stairs and someone locked in the toilet bringing up their drink, not a bad nights work for them considering it was just past 10.

We got talking to tom’s cousin and he introduced up to his friends and showed us the rock band room (the game for Xbox, there was people playing on all the instruments). Tom and I got chatting to some of the people in their and set that as base camp.

An hour or so later I desperately needed the toilet so I headed to the upstairs one. There was no cue to use it but someone was in so I waited at the door. In preparation I decided to undo my fly to save time once I got in there. The door unlocked and as it opened my jaw hit the floor. The was the stunning guy. Wearing shorts showing a great pair of legs and in a tight t-shirt showing a great body. I made my way up to his face I saw a great smile and eyes I could swim in. He was gorgeous. I then realised I was just staring and not saying anything, looking like a total creep. Then I noticed a smirk on his face.

“Desperate are you mate?” the guy said.

“Shit yeah man, do you mind guarding the door as I take a leak”

“Sure mate” the guy laughed

I rushed in to the toilet and started to piss

“Cheers mate for guarding the door”

“No problem pal”

I finished up peeing and I washed up. Me and this guy had continued making small talk. When I got out the toilet we got talking face to face. I kept just looking in to his eyes thinking about how cute he was and that I just wanted to kiss him. Suddenly I noticed that he had stopped talking and I needed to say something. So I thought the safe thing to do was nod and say yeah

“So your name is yeah?” he asked puzzled

“Oh.... got distracted there, names Lucas”

“Calvin”

So there we stood at the top of the stairs deep in conversation. Anyone would have thought we had known each other for years. There was never a moments silence between us. We sat down on the stairs and continued chatting. Luckily Calvin had his box of beer upstairs to people wouldn’t take it so we never even had to leave to get drinks. I also found out that he was wearing short because someone has spilt a drink all over his jeans and they were drying outside.

An hour or so had past of us chatting, when everyone was called in to living room for some drinking games. By this point, they group was cut to about 12 of us as a good number of people had passed out at several places round the house or were hooking up in the bedroom. Tom’s cousin announced we were going to play a game called boat race. We were put into teams of two and had to down 8 bottles of alcopops (those cheep fruity vodka drinks) between the two of us the quickest.

“You fancy being my team mate” Calvin asked

“Yeah sure, I am great at downing drinks” I said laughing.

So we got set up, the six teams all had a small side table with their eight drinks on it. Tom was teamed with some girl he had been chasing all night, didn’t even catch her name but she was very loud. You weren’t allowed to start drinking until your team mate had finished their bottle and there was no rule on how many bottles you had to drink.

“Cal, I will do six of the bottles, believe me we will win”

“You sure? That will take you a lot of time. I can help”

“Turst me mate, we will be fine” I said grabbing his arm, which I noticed was very defined

“3......2.....1....down”

The game started, Calvin was downing his drink at a decent pace. Someone else in the room finished the first bottle before he did but he was doing well. On to the second and I was reading myself. Finally he had finished the two bottles that must have taken a minute or so. The other teams were all on to their third bottle so I had to hurry. Downed the bottle within 5 seconds and on to the next one. This was the same story for the rest. 30 seconds and I had finished the 6 bottles and was standing with mine and Calvin’s hands in the air. We had easily won. We hugged in celebration. We had won a 6 pack of beers for our troubles.

“Wow that was impressive mate! How can you down drinks so fast?” Calvin asked in sheer amazement at was he saw

“Aww its nothing, just my talent I guess”

I wasn’t going to tell him I can deep throat a cock easy enough so didn’t think opening my throat to down drinks would be a problem.

Tom and i’s Taxi had arrived. It was about 4am and we were both plastered drunk and tired. I had spent the remainder of the evening talking with Calvin and his friends. As we were leaving he handed me his number and hugged me, which I thought he did because he was drunk. We said our goodbyes and were on our way home.
Who would have ever thought that this would be the start of the story of the love of my life?

Re: The Fear

Chapter 5

The days passed and with each day I got stronger. I had a psychologist came to visit me. We had a long talk. It was full of questions about my parents, sister all other family relationships. Then we got on the topic of friends and relationships. It seemed to go on forever when all I wanted to do was leave.
After talking about everything in my life so far we came to the jump. He asked load of questions mainly asking about how and what I was feeling. Things were still hazy. I don’t remember anything before it or on the lead up to it. All I remember is waking up in hospital.

After the few hours it took to discuss my life so far the psychologist drew up the conclusion that I wasn’t insane, which was good and it means I can go back to living my life in my flat and not spend it in a crazy house. The bad news is that I am classed as depressed, I will be on antidepressants and have to have meeting with a psychologist every 3 months but least I get to go home. I was also warned that I may have flash back when I get home or doing something I did before hand can trigger them.

A few hours later I had my stuff packed and was getting my discharge letter and was ready to leave. Unfortunately, almost everyone I know was unable to come meet me. My mum however has paid a for a taxi for me. So I was picked up and dropped off at my flat.

I got to the front door and put the keys in but paused before opening it. I didn’t know if I could do it. To go back to my empty flat and return to the life I had, it daunted me. My flat mate had recently moved in with his girlfriend which left me alone. I was coping with rent and bills with my job but was feeling lonely. I have my family and friends and Calvin but it was enough. With a deep sigh I opened the door to my flat and walked in.

It was obvious someone had been in while I was in hospital. The place was a lot tidier than I had ever kept it. Some of my furniture had been moved about. Maybe the police when they were looking for a note or something I didn’t know. I put my bag down and walked around the flat. The Fridge had been filled with all useful products with a note attached to the milk.

“Lucas, Hope this is some food you like. It’s been a while since you lived with me. Need anything phone me, Love Mum”

Aww, at least she’s thinking of me I thought to myself. I wondered to my bedroom and I had another note from my mum

“I have done all your washing and changed your bed sheets. Try and keep the place clean as it took a few hours to tidy. And put an advert in for a flat mate”

A few hours of being at home was ok. I made myself dinner, played some Xbox. And looked online at all the messages I got on facebook and twitter. It was really moving reading them all. It was maybe too much for me until I got to one that really moved me

“I love you; you mean the world to me. Please wake up”

It was from Calvin, it brought a tear to my eye as well as a smile. He really cared about me.