Affairs of the heart

When you've spent most of your adult life loving one person and they end up disappointing you, it's not so easy to love again.

For most of my adult life, even years after we broke up, I was still in love with my ex. Regardless of what had happened between us, the memories of our relationships kept replaying in my mind and it was hard to accept that the person I had grown to love no longer existed.

I remember people, even some of his closest friends telling me that he doesn't deserve me, but I still cared about him. I don't know the exact moment I stopped having feelings for him, but I remember passing his house one evening on my way from work and he was sitting on the wall talking to his friends and I felt absolutely nothing. When I say I felt nothing, I mean I felt not a twinkle, twitch or itch for him. I hadn't realised until that moment that I had moved on.

I remember times when I would see him and my heart would beat a little faster or I would see him with a female and I would wonder if this was one of my replacements. I used to ask myself what it was about this man why I couldn't get him out of my system, even after the hurt and embarrassment he had caused me. Well, that evening, I realised that he no longer held that special place in my heart. He would always be the father of my children and I couldn't change that, but he was no longer the king in my kingdom and I was grateful for that.

Back to Jason

It wasn't any secret that I missed Jason when he wasn't here. My friends were telling me that I was in love and that was why I was missing him so. Jason and I have never professed any such thing to each other, but I knew that he had missed me because he always said it.

He has been back now for six days, and during that time, I've seen him at least twice each day. There was no denying that we had a deep connection. He was the first man in a long time that I told about my goals and my challenges. I also realised that he would ask my opinion on his aspirations too, so we always had something to talk about.

We hadn't been on a date since he got back, so we decided to catch an early movie and dinner on Saturday night, since I would be working that Sunday.

There is something that happens to me whenever he enters the room. Without even turning my head, I can tell when he is around. I told my mom that and she said that it finally seemed like the ice around my heart was melting. Well, mommy, I wouldn't go that far, but I had opened myself up to the possibility of love when I started this dating journey last year.

I was standing in a room with over 20 persons and when Jason entered, I knew. I turned to face him and his smile when he saw me spoke volumes. He gave me a hug and asked how long I had been waiting. Truth be told, whenever we are going anywhere, I always want to arrive earlier than him. I love watching him walk into a room but I hate to watch him leave.

After the movie, we headed to the restaurant to have dinner. He kept saying it felt good to be back and to be home. I had never heard him refer to Jamaica as home, but I chose not to point that out. We were almost done eating when he said the thing he missed most while he was away was watching how my eyes light up when I laugh. I didn't know how to respond to that because I couldn't see my eyes when I laughed, but I knew I laughed a lot when he was around. I told him I missed him, too, and was glad that he was back. I told him to try staying put this time, and he could see me laugh every day. He laughed when I said that and said, "I think I am addicted to you."

Those have been the words that have been replaying in my mind for the last few days. What does it mean when someone says they are addicted to you? Whenever I hear the word addiction, it's never used for something good. People get addicted to drugs, alcohol, and even sex. I had wanted so badly to ask him what he meant by that, but I was scared. I was scared that his answer would not be what I wanted to hear and I was scared because I didn't know what I wanted to hear.