I decided I'm so hard core I don't even need those fuckers, so I gave them to the Salvation Army to give to people too poor to afford ping-pong balls for their game rooms.

I have generated my sight since then by formulating an image of my surroundings in my mind from the information gathered from my other senses. Using this technique, I have won 2 Madden tournaments and 3 Boggle World Championships in the last 15 hours, and was able to accurately count the stars in the sky, including some that have yet to be discovered.

I briefly contemplated removing my tongue to further even myself out with the rest of humanity, but word got out and I received 495,000 letters from women protesting (actual letters...I had to delete my email account for bandwidth violations, so we'll never know how many of those I received).

I’ve never experienced anyone working at CFA being a jerk or rude but yesterday I encountered a guy in the drive thru who was not only rude but a jerk. When I finally had my order and he didn’t even say my pleasure I yelled “thanks for being a jerk” and drove off.

I’ve never experienced anyone working at CFA being a jerk or rude but yesterday I encountered a guy in the drive thru who was not only rude but a jerk. When I finally had my order and he didn’t even say my pleasure I yelled “thanks for being a jerk” and drove off.

So I left a little before 7 to head into work this morning, turned left onto Stagecoach, and went sliding right over to the far side. It was just after that that I finally got the phone call that we weren't working today. It's crazy. The neighborhood roads are bone-dry, but the highway is apparently really slippery. A lesser man would be scared of that fact, but I am about to head back out there and see if I can break my sliding record.

I did about 8 360's in high school in my 54 ford truck and a truck driver got out and about whipped my ass. He thought I was doing it on purpose but really I was just trying to pull out onto the main road to get to school.

Don't ever recall sliding very far, well I've made it about mid way up a hill a few times only to rest at the bottom with all the other idiots but that's par for the course.

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the heck On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? heck yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.