BREAKING: Matt Lauer On 72-Hour Suicide Watch After Failed Attempt To Hang Himself

It’s been a busy week for Matt Lauer. First, the allegations came in. Then, they discovered he actually did have a button to keep his victims in the room. The straw that broke the camel’s back came when a woman produced a sex toy confirmed to have been bought with Lauer’s credit card along with a note telling her what he wanted to do with it.

Lauer was fired and that is that. There was no covering it up. There is a coverup going on, however, behind the scenes in Lauer’s private life. According to his housekeeper, Maria Rose Garcia, Lauer was taken in a private SUV to a treatment facility and placed on a 72-hour suicide watch under the assumed name “Leon Perette.”

Garcia told LLOD correspondent Cynthia Luwhoe:

“Mr Matthew tried [to] kill himself. He hang [sic] himself but the pipe it no [sic] hold. He hurt himself but he [is] okay.”

Lauer’s publicist, who has already given his notice of resignation, says the Lauer family categorically denies any rumors that he tried to kill himself. He also added that he “doesn’t know what to believe in this town anymore.”

Leon Perette has no scheduled release date. He was checked in under the 5150 law. We’ll keep you updated.

Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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sat·ire ~ˈsaˌtī(ə)r

noun

the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, OR ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

If you disagree with the definition of satire or have decided it is synonymous with “comedy,” you should really just move along.