I am sitting at work thinking about my pregnant wife. I am thinking about the moment when our daughter was born: 12:24 a.m. on May 29, 2011. How this creature I had imagined meeting was suddenly right there, in my arms, a wee little alien, wriggling about, and how a love gripped me right then. A mad, crazy love that you can try to imagine as an expectant parent but you can’t possibly understand until you are there, in that moment, holding your kid.

It is a love that changes everything. It is a love that means everything. There is nothing like it.

Dylan Benson/YouCaring.comDylan Benson with his wife Robyn.

So now I am sitting here thinking about Dylan Benson, another father, trying to imagine what he must be feeling as a new Dad. I don’t know Dylan Benson and I wouldn’t have a clue what to say to him even if I did. Congratulations? I am terribly sorry for your loss?

It is absurd, his situation. Unfair and awful and miraculous, too, because Dylan Benson’s baby boy, Iver Cohen Benson, was born Saturday evening at Victoria General Hospital in Victoria, B.C., with a sprout of reddish-hair, just like his mother, Robyn — a woman little Iver will only ever get to meet through the stories his father tells him.

Robyn Benson died Sunday, though, really, she has been dead since Dec. 28, the day she complained of a headache and asked her husband to get some Tylenol. Dylan, as husbands do, ran to the store. When he got home Robyn was lying on the bathroom floor, unconscious. Doctors later explained that she had had bleeding on the brain, some kind of one-in-a-million freak thing, and that she wouldn’t be waking up. Robyn and Dylan were high school sweethearts.

“My wife is dying,” Dylan wrote in a blog post, on Jan. 19. “We are both 32, she is 22 weeks pregnant.”

He goes on to describe how she was legally brain dead and that doctors hoped that they could keep her body alive for another four weeks, or more, then deliver the baby by Caesarian section.

“I don’t know what to do or think,” Dylan wrote. “She is my rock. She does everything for us and I can’t believe I won’t get to talk to her again and now, if this works, our son will grow up never meeting his wonderful mother.”

Robyn hung in for another five weeks. Iver appeared Saturday, an angel, weighing just two pounds and 13 ounces. There is a photo of him on Dylan’s blog. The father, eyes twinkling, his beard a little scruffy, is smiling sure and true and snuggling his son to his chest, a mother/newborn baby-bonding ritual — minus the mom.

Iver is pink and impossibly small, connected to tubes and IVs and wearing the world’s tiniest diaper. He won’t be going home from the hospital until May.

“Iver is healthy and the cutest, most precious person I have ever met,” his father wrote.

Life since Dec. 28 has been full of small mercies. There was the cabbie who, upon hearing Dylan speak about his hard knocks — after he forgot his bank card at a 7-11 — dropped Dylan off at home and then retrieved his bank card for him before phoning him the next day to ask if he had any food allergies, because his wife was making him a lasagna. The cabbie delivered the lasagna and the bank card to Dylan the next day.

Dylan has taken a leave from work and started an online fund for Baby Iver. When I checked it Tuesday morning there were $145,000 in donations. When I checked again a few hours later the tally was $158,000. More than 3,500 people, strangers, mostly, have given in $10, $20, $50 amounts. Many donors include a short message of condolence, of congratulations, of hope, with their pledge.

The money will help, sure. But it won’t bring Robyn Benson back, and so a part of this family will always be missing and always right there — whenever Dylan looks at his son.

VICTORIA — The best and worst moment of Dylan Benson’s 32-year-old life arrived Saturday evening, when medical personnel in Victoria showed him cellphone photos of his new son who was born only moments earlier to his brain-dead wife, Robyn, his childhood sweetheart.

It was the best moment because Benson said he was seeing images for the first time of his baby boy, Iver, who was born at 7:12 p.m., weighing just two pounds, 13 ounces, boasting a little bit of apricot-coloured hair, a ginger like his mother.

Yet, it was also the worst moment because Benson said he knew the time was near when he’d have to say his final farewell to the woman he first met 16 years earlier, when she was still a teen and the two were embarking on their Grade 12 years in separate high schools.

“I don’t think I have the right words to describe it,” said the new father in a Monday-night interview. “It’s the best and definitely the worst thing to ever happen to me in my life at the same time.”

“My first thought was just how amazing he (Iver) looked and … I guess it’s just a massive, massive sense of relief that he was here and he had made it, and then of course the excitement of wanting to see him, and also the same amount of fear knowing that I would have to say goodbye.”

He said he stayed in the hospital that night, and early Sunday morning visited Robyn for the last time. Then, later that same afternoon, Benson said, he got to hold Iver for the first time.

The up-and-down, high-and-low emotions were definitely not something Benson expected in his life, but then something went wrong at the end of December.

Benson wrote previously on his blog that Robyn complained of a headache on Dec. 28. She asked him to go to the pharmacy and get some pain killers, he wrote, but when he returned home, Robyn was unconscious on the bathroom floor.

He called 911, but paramedics could not revive her.

“At the hospital, they discovered that my wife had a fluke random type of blood leak into the centre of her brain and that there was so much blood and damage that it is not reversible,” he wrote. “My wife is now essentially legally brain dead.”

FacebookDylan Benson posted this picture of himself and his newborn son, Iver Cohen Benson, yesterday on Facebook.

Doctors hoped her body would hold until her baby boy, already named Iver Cohen Benson, could be delivered by caesarean section.

In the meantime, the media caught word of the story, and a fundraising website was set up to raise $36,000 for the husband and soon-to-be-born son.

Benson said he got a call from the hospital Saturday afternoon, and medical officials wanted to discuss the prospect of delivering Iver the same day. He said at the hospital they all decided it would be the safest if Iver was delivered that evening.

“He’s really, really small, but he looks perfect,” said Benson. “He’s just the most adorable little person I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’m so proud that he’s my son, and how hard he fought to be here and how hard my wife fought to give us this beautiful little boy.”

Benson said medical officials are caring for Iver as a premature baby, and he’ll likely stay in hospital until May 2, which was his original due date.

In the meantime, he said he’ll visit his son daily, giving Iver as much skin-to-skin contact as possible to keep him strong and calm and build the bond between father and son.

He said he’ll draw upon that generosity of those who donated to the online fundraising campaign, which has now raised more than $144,000.

Benson said he’ll take some time off work and eventually rent a different place that’s more suited to he and Iver and his son’s education. He said he’ll use the money to give Iver the best-possible, stress-free life.

“The public needs to know how thankful I am for their support,” he said. “Please, please tell everyone that I am so thankful for the support from everywhere. The messages, the nice comments, the emails, all of that it has helped immensely in getting through this tough time.”

A fundraising drive for an unborn baby whose mother is brain dead in a Victoria hospital has passed $120,000 as the family’s plight tugs at heart strings across Canada.

Dylan Benson hoped to raise $36,000 so he could care for his son on his own while grieving for his wife.

Dylan Benson/YouCaring.comDylan Benson with his wife Robyn.

“I just wanted to reach out and say thank you to each and every one of you that have read our story and to those who have donated,” Benson said in a blog post on Tuesday. “We are overwhelmed with the response from not only the community, but now the nation and beyond.”

Doctors are hoping Robyn Benson’s body can hold out until the end of this month to allow her baby boy — already named Iver Cohen Benson — to grow and give doctors an opportunity to perform a caesarean section.

Benson, who is also 32 and works in the IT sector, wrote on his blog that his wife would have wanted to fight for her child.

“Ugh. I don’t know what to do or think,” wrote Benson in late December, after his wife was declared brain dead. “She is my rock. She does everything for us and I can’t believe I won’t get to talk to her again and now if this works, our son will grow up never meeting his wonderful mother.”

Last week, Benson wrote that the baby had reached the 26-week mark; he weighed 2 lbs, 6 oz.

The day after he is born will be the day that I have to say goodbye to Robyn

“My head and my heart are constantly playing this chess match and it’s so painful. On one hand I can’t wait to meet my son and try and give him the best life possible and try my hardest to be a great dad for him, on the other hand I know that the day or the day after he is born will be the day that I have to say goodbye to Robyn.”

Robyn complained of a headache on Dec. 28 and asked Benson to go to the pharmacy and get some pain killers, Benson wrote. When he returned home, Robyn was unconscious on the bathroom floor. He called 911, but paramedics could not revive her.

“At the hospital, they discovered that my wife had a fluke random type of blood leak into the centre of her brain and that there was so much blood and damage that it is not reversible,” he wrote. “My wife is now essentially legally brain dead.”

Dylan Benson / YouCaring.comAn ultrasound image of the couple's unborn child. In his last update on Jan. 28, Mr. Benson wrote that the child was a tiny 2lbs, 6oz

Phillips, who’s been Benson’s friend since the pair met two years ago for a random cup of coffee, has started an online fundraising campaign on the website YouCaring.com to help Benson and his son.

He set a fundraising goal of $36,000. By Wednesday afternoon, the site had already raised more than $122,000.

“Any additional funds will not only go towards living costs and the costs associated with supporting Iver, but also towards us moving to a more suitable living space for the two of us, and of course towards an education fund for Iver,” Benson wrote on his blog on Tuesday.

“It’s a little overwhelming,” said Phillips, who works as a marketing manager at a chain of private grocery stores in the Victoria area.

“It’s touching everybody at such a deep level. We’re having people come into the store and literally breaking into tears. One guy came in with $1,000.”

Phillips said Benson is spending his days and nights at his wife’s hospital bed. While Benson is deeply touched by the public support he’s received, he’s not yet prepared to speak publicly, said Phillips.

“I’ve been asked many times how to put it into words, and I don’t know if there is any,” said Phillips. “It’s one of those things that reaches deep, deep down into your soul and grabs it.”

Phillips said the longer the doctors can keep Robyn on life support, the better the odds her unborn son will have.

“The goal is to reach 34 weeks and that is dependent on Robyn’s body’s stability over the next little while,” said Phillips.

“So long as she remains stable on life support, they will bring her to 34 weeks, her and Iver, and that technically works out to the last week in February.”

In a heartbreaking blog that echoes similar high-profile cases in the United States, a B.C. man is documenting his decision to keep his “essentially legally brain dead” wife alive to save the unborn child that continues to grow inside her womb.

Dylan Benson, 32, has written several posts detailing the wrenching situation, which began on Dec. 28 when his wife complained of a headache.

“[She] asked me to go to the store to get some Tylenol for her and when I came back she was unconscious on the bathroom floor,” he wrote. After attempting for an hour to revive her, Mr. Benson said she was taken to hospital. There he was informed that his wife, Robyn, also 32, had suffered a brain hemorrhage.

She was 22 weeks pregnant at the time. Doctors told the father that they would try to keep her alive until the fetus was at least 34 weeks, which would increase the odds of successfully delivering the boy, Iver, by Caesarean section.

“Her family and my friends are all very supportive and all think that my wife would want me to try and give our child the best life possible so that’s what I’m going to try and do, assuming that all goes well and I actually get to meet him,” he wrote.

In later posts, Mr. Benson explained that his wife was still functioning unassisted, “apart from breathing and fluid and medication through IV.” However, she could still deteriorate rapidly.

Dylan Benson / YouCaring.comAn ultrasound image of the couple's unborn child. In his last update on Jan. 28, Mr. Benson wrote that the child was a tiny 2lbs, 6oz

A spokesperson for the B.C. Ministry of Health could confirm only that a patient by Robyn’s name was in care at the Victoria General Hospital Intensive Care Unit.

Last week, Mr. Benson wrote that the baby had reached the 26-week mark; he weighed 2 lbs, 6 oz.

“My head and my heart are constantly playing this chess match and it’s so painful. On one hand I can’t wait to meet my son and try and give him the best life possible and try my hardest to be a great dad for him, on the other hand I know that the day or the day after he is born will be the day that I have to say goodbye to Robyn.”

The community has rallied to support the new father. Mr. Benson has set up a “Baby Iver Fund” through YouCaring.com to help with expenses and to cope with the temporary leave of absence from his job. He set a goal of $36,000 — so far, funds have well exceeded hopes and now stand at more than $45,000.

Jeremy Baker, a long-time friend of Mr. Benson, had his own son a day after Robyn collapsed. He met a disheartened Mr. Benson in the hospital by chance shortly afterward.

“It happens so exceptionally rarely. I think he’s holding up pretty good considering, but it’s a challenge,” he told the Post. “Because, as he says, when his son is born, he’ll be saying goodbye to his wife at the same time. That’s a challenge because she’s on life support. Dylan can visit and feel the baby and do things that expectant parents do. Robyn’s body is healthy, her belly is growing, he can hold her hand and it’s warm. But he knows, logically, that she will not wake up.”

Mr. Benson’s situation mirrors a recent case in Texas. There, Marlise Munoz was kept on life support against her explicit wishes.

‘When his son is born, he’ll be saying goodbye to his wife at the same time’

The hospital said it was bound by law to continue care for the woman because she was 14 weeks pregnant. Ten days ago, a judge ordered the family to acquiesce to the family’s wishes and remove Mr. Munoz from life support.

“It’s not common but, of course it can happen. That’s the nature of modern medicine now. Years ago, you couldn’t have this situation because the mother wouldn’t have survived,” said Dr. Michael Gordon, the program director of palliative care at Baycrest Health Sciences in Toronto.

Canada does not consider the fetus to have any legal right to life, so the underlying ethical question in a case like Mrs. Benson’s is what the mother would have wanted.

“Most mothers say they would rather die than sacrifice their child. That’s what parents — especially mothers, by the way — have done through human history,” he said.

“It’s a basic biological drive, the preservation of the species. She would probably say that if this is what it takes to keep the child alive, we will do it.”

However, ethical issues arise when medical science uses a woman’s body to incubate a child without respect for the mother’s wishes. “The point is really about having some very robust conversations,” said Dianne Godkin, senior ethicist at Trillium Health Partners in Mississauga, Ont.

“This isn’t about what you necessarily want, it’s about what your partner would have wanted done.”

Both doctors said stories like this highlight the importance of having conversations about end-of-life care at all ages and stages of life.

]]>http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/the-heartbreaking-tale-of-a-pregnant-brain-dead-b-c-woman-and-her-husband-hoping-for-their-sons-healthy-arrival/feed3stdA B.C. community is collecting cash to help a local man who is keeping his brain-dead wife on life support long enough to give birth to their first and only childDylan Benson / YouCaring.comDylan Benson / YouCaring.com