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Girls, everyone has been saying for years that Quincy girls are all quite far from classy. I know… it’s fucking BULLSHIT. But then, this summer, a friend of mine was jumped outside of The Stadium by two older women because one of them told her to shut the fuck up for speaking loudly, and she yelled back, “Don’t tell me to shut the fuck up, YOU shut the fuck up!”. She returned to her conversation, bent over to fix her wedge sandal, and next thing you know, these two meth head lookin’ cougars are tackling her. It was pretty classless of these meth heads to pull this stunt. So I think that what Quincy girls might need, is some charm school. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get up early on a Saturday morning to attend. You can just read my etiquette tips below.

Drink like a lady: Never forget the rule “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, you’re getting sicker.”. You don’t want to be puking in the alley between Payless by 11pm. Take it easy on the shots, save them for your birthday. Unless someone’s buying. Perhaps have a vodka soda water (splash of cranberry) to start. Then maybe a Mich Ultra (but ONLY 10!) to save a couple of calories. Oh, and never drink Bud heavies. Ever. Pinkies out!

Fine Dining: Don’t use a spork.

Attire and accessories to avoid: First and foremost: hoop earrings that have a radius of more than 1cm from top to bottom. Small, thin hoops are tolerable. But please, throw the 3 inch hoops in the garbage. I’m sorry to do that to you, but remember that if you get jumped by meth heads, at least they won’t be able to rip the earrings out of your ears. Another fashion trend to avoid: call a spade a spade, and a shirt a shirt. Don’t try to wear a shirt as a dress. Everyone can see your vagina when you sit down. This really goes for anything. It’s better to wear a size too big than a size too small. An overall rule of thumb: 85% of “The Cube” at Marshall’s is trashy. Perhaps move on to the woman’s section after you graduate high school.

Avoid talking about “minding business”: Perhaps the most disgusting topic of conversation a young lady can participate in is in regards to one’s business. Translation? Stop screaming and yelling about “SHE BETTAH GET THE FAHK OUTTA MY BUZINESS AND STOP TALKIN’ SHIT BEFORE I SHOW HER WHAT’S UP!”. Darling, you don’t know “what’s up”. By your tone, it sounds like your “business” involves baby daddy drama, taking the bus, and trash talk. Watch your filthy mouth in the company of your bitches and Quincy gentlemen. Maybe this person talks behind your back you’re a classless whore. No?

Try not to be such a fucking psycho all the time: Stop flipping out. Stop being over dramatic. Stop crying every time you take a sip of vodka, fix the mascara that is all over your face, fix your hair, and enjoy yourself without the tantrums.

Fist fighting: Never, ever initiate a fist fight. If a meth head jumps you, get them off of you somehow, scream, then pretend to faint. If you happen to find yourself in the midst of a girl fight, please refrain from yelling out “BITCH, I’M FROM QUINCY!”. That gives you zero credit, and makes people who are from Quincy want to light themselves on fire and move to Milton.

Stop putting things up your nose: You’re not 2 years old. You know what you should not put up your nose. For example, would you put a Lego up your nose? Or a Polly Pocket? I think not. So let’s try to refrain from getting coked out of our minds every single weekend, shall we? Once someone hears that you’re a cokehead, your weight loss credibility goes out the window.

A commenter on ThePatriotLedger.com once stated that “Quincy is Brockton by the sea”. This at first made me laugh for like 5 seconds, then it made me sad. As a Quincy lover, I don’t like to hear my home compared to Brockton. Because Brockton is the place where dreams go to die and Massasoit students go to learn simple math. Let’s nip that one in the bud, shall we ladies?

I’m just messing’ with ya, you do you. I could give a fuck less how you behave in public. Just don’t come near me with your garbage mouth and sporks. Whore!!!!

6 Responses to “Etiquette Class for the Common Quincy Girl”

The movie “TED” did not help in the Quincy department either “You better not show your face in Quincy” Yes that did make me want to light myself on fire walk down the street and say I’m in Milton now…….