E3 2014: Microsoft Without the Bull

This won’t be well formatted or proof read. It was done on the fly to give a quick look at what was shown for the people who couldn’t watch it and don’t have the time to read every article. Also, I was talking with friends at the time. I’d say I might have missed something but there was nothing to miss.

Big Phil Spencer is here to start things off. We all love games, games are fab, new gen of consoles blah, blah, blah. For all the shit the Xbone received, at least MS are fixing it for the better.

Entire briefing will focus on the games. Makes a change from last year... Xbox owners will get CoD DLC first, as per.

Advanced Warfare kicks things off, lots of explosions and shooting. Looks a bit TitanFall-y but, then again, this is the future! Robots are walking around, lots of military jargon and gigantic gun models. So far; so good.

An NPC just ripped a car door off to use as a shield. 10/10. Also, there’s a super-sonic gun and lasers. 11/10. The presentation went on a bit too long, to be honest. It’ll be out 4/1/14

Turn 10 take the stage so it’s time for Forza 5. Oh good, the Nurburgring will be included as it should be, really, but it’s free so I’ll give them a pass.

Out with the old, in with the new; time for Forza Horizon 2. It’ll have a day/night cycle and dynamic weather. Drivatars will be back which is cool since I like the concept. The game will be out September 30th and is, obviously, very shiny.

Time to Evolve! God, I hope this game is good. New monster design! Very Lovecraftian

Enough about that, time for Assassin’s Creed Unity. We’ll be able to form out own brotherhood to team up over Xbox Live to play co-op. I might actually be interested in this one... I’d say this gameplay is all a lie and pre-rendered but there was a little bit of stuttering so this might be legit.

I think I saw a crouch button. GOTY confirmed.

An ode to the arcade?

Onowait, Dragon Age Inquisition. Looking pretty good but not much for me to be excited over.

Crash into modern military shooter, bit of a jarring transition there. Oh, Sunsen Overdrive, you so wacky. It was all an elaborate ruse! Looks cool but, again, not grabbing me. Hopefully Ted Price will sell me on it. He wants YOUUUUUUUUUU to be the hero but I’m not sure I’m the one Sunset City deserves or the one it needs right now. There’s going to be 8 player co-op and it’ll be out 28th October.

Dead Rising 3 has jumped the shark. Capcom 31th Anniversary! I’ll admit I lol’d at that. Whatever that was is available now.

Lionhead’s turn to ‘dazzle’ me. Fable Legends has an interesting premise and, without Molyneux, it might not fucking LIE to me! Looks like the Villain plays a pseudo-RTS style game, not my cup of tea but it might be good. There’s going to be a beta in the autumn, sign up at fablelegends.com

Another really random interlude but it’s time for Project Spark. I tried the beta and it was desperately still in beta (read: broken) Not bothered for this one, moving swiftly on. Hold on, Conker?! In Project Spark? I take it all back. GOTY.

Whatever this new game is it’s very pretty and has an awesome soundtrack. Ori, the Blind Forrest. I want.

More fucking interludes!

Thankfully, Master Chief is here to save us from the pointlessness. Bonnie Ross will no doubt tell us all about how awesome Halo is. She just spoilt the fucking ending to halo 4! 11/11/14 will see the release of Halo: The Master Chief Collection. It’ll have all the 4 games and... vague extras? Some new guy will explain it. Oh, custom playlists from the four games! I... don’t get it. Halo 2’s been touched up and will ship with exactly the same multiplayer as the original. Teabagging is still a thing: GOTY. All four games running on their original engines! They didn’t put much effort in then. The collection will include Halo Nightfall - the TV programme or something. More importantly, there’s 4000 Gamerscore avaliable. I actually shit myself. Oh, and it’ll include halo 5 beta access.

Big Phil’s back on stage! Time for some 2015 games and beyond.

In early 2015 we have a game from Playdead. A game about a young child surrounded by zombies (what else?) called Inside.

ID@XBOX is supporting indie developers, I think. So, it looks like it’s time for the indies. Lots of games shown including Mighty No9 and, more importantly, THREES! GOTY.

Really sick of these fucking interludes now.

A new Tomb Raider is coming our way; Rise of the Tomb Raider so it’s another prequel. The mansion hasn’t been confirmed. Not GOTY.

CDProjekt Red and Witcher 3 time. Not my thing but I know people love this series. Looking pretty beautiful so imagine what it’ll look like on PC.

We’re getting a reboot of Phantom Dust(!) The crowd barely even pops...

FUCK YOU INTERLUDE!

Massive are here now to LIE to us about The Division. Oh well, I’m still hyped for this game despite myself. Looking just as good as last year but I’m much more cynical now

Platinum Games time and we all love Platinum. There are dinosaurs, dragons and it’s very Japanese; it’s Scalebound.

Crackdown is back. Never understood the love for this series but whatever.

Big Phil is with us again and he’s here to close the show.

Closing thoughts –

Well, they promised us 90 minutes of games and they delivered on that front. Problem is, it was a complete waste of 90 minutes. It is clearly still not the time to buy an Xbone. Last year’s conference was bad for reasons other than games. This years was bad because there was nothing new and the upcoming games look lacklustre.

Best game on show? Evolve by miles and we've known about that game for some time.