Developers Unearth Old Garbage

“The crew brought out a shortened post and the archaeologist on site blew it off,” Mr. Nixon said. “We found it laying discarded on a rubble pile.”

The ax-hewn timber was part of the original defenses of Fort Pitt, a significant national treasure dating back to the French & Indian War and Pontiac’s Rebellion. All traces of it must now be buried under concrete so as to make way for funnel cake vendors.

Last fall, unidentified human remains were also unearthed at the old battleground, but fortunately the renovations did not pause.

Mr. Nixon works with the Fort Pitt Preservation Society, a radical fringe group that believes a solemn memorial to the fallen heroes of three clashing civilizations could potentially be a greater civic asset than booths for dueling cell-phone providers.

The P-G’s Don Hopey reports that the state conservation department is condescending to use radar technology to map the old wooden fence, revealing the awareness of everyone involved that this is a monstrous idea that future generations will seek to reverse.