BuzzFeed - ariblauhttp://buzzfeed.com/ariblau
BuzzFeed, Find Your New Favorite ThingenCopyright 2015 BuzzFeed, Inc.Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:18:51 -0400editor@buzzfeed.com (http://www.buzzfeed.com/about)info@buzzfeed.com (http://www.buzzfeed.com/about)BuzzFeedhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/static/images/public/rss/logo.pnghttp://buzzfeed.com/ariblau
28 Ways You Know You're From Cape May, NJhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ariblau/28-ways-you-know-youre-from-cape-may-nj-a3rq
Cape May is one of the country’s oldest vacation resort destinations located at the southern tip of New Jersey. If you can identify with these 28 things, then you truly know what it means to be a LOCAL in this historic town!

You know the difference between the “MTV Jersey Shore” and the real JERSEY SHORE!

You hate seeing PA, NY or Canada license plates in the summer! GO HOME SHOOBIES!

This is how you feel about parking meters in the summer.

Unless your parents were rich and you were a spoiled brat, you’ve worked in at least one restaurant during the summer. For some of us, TWO restaurants at ONE time!

]]>http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariblau/28-ways-you-know-youre-from-cape-may-nj-a3rqWed, 11 Sep 2013 21:36:08 -0400<b>Cape May is one of the country&rsquo;s oldest vacation resort destinations located at the southern tip of New Jersey.</b> If you can identify with these 28 things, then you truly know what it means to be a LOCAL in this historic town!ariblaunonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadulthttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zqjbMQIfRononadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultAnd if you didn&#39;t find this list funny and accurate, you&#39;re just lying to yourself. You probably smell like hot dog water and have no sense of humor. Remember, this world is big. There&#39;s a lot out there past Exit 0. If you have a dream, go chase it...now! KEEP IT KOSHER &amp; LIVE THE DREAM! -BLAU
www.youtube.com/shortyaribnonadult10 Things You Should Never Do At A Restauranthttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ariblau/10-things-you-should-never-do-at-a-restaurant-a3rq
When you’re out to eat, remember this list. These are the “10 Things You Should Never Do At A Restaurant.” And just for the record, there are way more than 10. But here are some to start with…

I don't think anyone dreams as a child, "Hmmm, I think I want to be a waiter/waitress when I grow up." And if you did dream that when you were younger, I'm sorry if you were offended by my previous statement. I hope you turned out to be the most kickass waiter/waitress in the world!

I'm an avid believer in a difference between a job and a career. After spending almost $200,000 on a college education, I find myself as a 23-year-old comedian working in a restaurant in Brooklyn, NY. While I still do pursue my dreams, and believe me I do immediately after I leave my job, I'm not working in the restaurant business alone. 53% of college graduates are jobless or unemployed. The other 47% are either working in their field or doing what they have to in order to pay for their bills, college loans, nudie magazines, etc.

I've been working in restaurants since I was 13. It was an easy way to make money during the summer, and now it pays the bills (since no one is paying me to make people laugh….YET). Here are some things that piss me off when I'm working. If you've ever worked in a restaurant, you should be able to relate to this list. If you haven't worked in a restaurant, take some notes and make sure that you don't do any of this. Ever.

Don't read over a menu and suggest that the restaurant carry a certain type of food, beer, wine, etc. I'm the waiter, not the owner or manager. I don't run that aspect of the restaurant, nor do I care about your favorite type of beer. That's why I hand you our restaurant's menu when you walk in. If you don't like what you see, walk your ass out. Trust me, it won't bother me at all. That's just one less annoying customer that I'll have to deal with.

This should be a given for taking your kids anywhere, but especially out to a restaurant. When your kids act up, they don't just annoy the staff, they annoy the entire restaurant. The last thing I want to do is reprimand your bratty little kid for running around screaming while I'm carrying food to another table. Especially if you're on your iPhone not even paying attention the entire time. So if you can't control your kids, that's what the McDonald's drive-thru is for. Use it.

]]>http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariblau/10-things-you-should-never-do-at-a-restaurant-a3rqThu, 02 May 2013 20:26:41 -0400When you&#39;re out to eat, remember this list. These are the "10 Things You Should Never Do At A Restaurant." And just for the record, there are way more than 10. But here are some to start with...ariblauadultI don't think anyone dreams as a child, "Hmmm, I think I want to be a waiter/waitress when I grow up." And if you did dream that when you were younger, I&#39;m sorry if you were offended by my previous statement. I hope you turned out to be the most kickass waiter/waitress in the world!
I&#39;m an avid believer in a difference between a job and a career. After spending almost $200,000 on a college education, I find myself as a 23-year-old comedian working in a restaurant in Brooklyn, NY. While I still do pursue my dreams, and believe me I do immediately after I leave my job, I&#39;m not working in the restaurant business alone. 53% of college graduates are jobless or unemployed. The other 47% are either working in their field or doing what they have to in order to pay for their bills, college loans, nudie magazines, etc.
I&#39;ve been working in restaurants since I was 13. It was an easy way to make money during the summer, and now it pays the bills (since no one is paying me to make people laugh&hellip;.YET). Here are some things that piss me off when I&#39;m working. If you&#39;ve ever worked in a restaurant, you should be able to relate to this list. If you haven&#39;t worked in a restaurant, take some notes and make sure that you don&#39;t do any of this. Ever.nonadultDon't read over a menu and suggest that the restaurant carry a certain type of food, beer, wine, etc. I&#39;m the waiter, not the owner or manager. I don&#39;t run that aspect of the restaurant, nor do I care about your favorite type of beer. That&#39;s why I hand you our restaurant&#39;s menu when you walk in. If you don&#39;t like what you see, walk your ass out. Trust me, it won&#39;t bother me at all. That&#39;s just one less annoying customer that I&#39;ll have to deal with.nonadultnonadultThis should be a given for taking your kids anywhere, but especially out to a restaurant. When your kids act up, they don't just annoy the staff, they annoy the entire restaurant. The last thing I want to do is reprimand your bratty little kid for running around screaming while I&#39;m carrying food to another table. Especially if you&#39;re on your iPhone not even paying attention the entire time. So if you can&#39;t control your kids, that&#39;s what the McDonald&#39;s drive-thru is for. Use it.nonadultnonadultIf something is wrong with your food, don't automatically take it out on your waiter. It might sound crazy to you, but we don&#39;t cook the food. We put it into a computer system. But wait, it gets even crazier. A chef (who you never see, but who does actually exist behind the kitchen doors) cooks it. I need to make this extremely clear because I&#39;ve actually had multiple customers tell me that they didn&#39;t like the way that "I" cooked something. That&#39;s when I had to break the news to them that "I" had absolutely nothing to do with making their food. Trust me, if I did, the food would be amazing. I don&#39;t like to brag, but I&#39;m an awesome cook. They don&#39;t call me Chef BoyAri for nothing! But that&#39;s another story.nonadultnonadultYou probably don't know this, but a lot of the food items on a menu are already prepped before the restaurant opens for business. If you choose a salad that has the tomatoes and carrots already mixed into it, we&#39;re not going to take our time to pick out each item that you don&#39;t want. Especially if you tell us that the reason is because you have an allergy. So many people nowadays have "allergies" for the craziest things. There&#39;s a difference between an allergy and a dietary preference. Just because the beans will make you fart, doesn&#39;t mean you have to tell us that you&#39;re highly allergic to them. You&#39;re no special than the next guest. If we can&#39;t take something out of a food item, that&#39;s just how it is. It&#39;s how the food was prepped, so pick something else or deal with it.nonadultnonadultDon't ever ask this question. And I mean EVER! Do you think that the chefs cook the food slow or fast depending on their mood that day? If we cook the food too fast, you complain about how it&#39;s "undercooked." If we cook the food too long, you complain about how hungry you are. You&#39;ll get your food when it&#39;s ready. I should also add to this point that you shouldn&#39;t get mad at us because you need your food ASAP or you&#39;re going to be late to a movie. That&#39;s your own fault for organizing your date that way. Next time you should plan better and you won&#39;t face that problem.nonadultnonadultDon't ask where your food is. I don&#39;t care if you ordered one basket of fries. If you placed that order after, and I emphasize on "AFTER" other people ordered their food, it goes to the back of the line. We&#39;re not picking on you. That&#39;s just how it works. I wish for just one second you could see how the kitchen operates. The chef&#39;s don&#39;t sit there and talk about what they feel like cooking. They cook each item in the order that it was given to them.nonadultnonadultMost people are hesitant to return food when something isn't cooked to their liking. And this is understandable because of the rumors of what happens when you return food to the kitchen. However, you shouldn&#39;t be nervous if you ask us politely to change something because you don&#39;t like the way that it tastes or because you asked for it to be made differently. On the other hand, you should be nervous if you return it with an attitude. This shocks me every time someone does it. I mean, just think about how it looks from our end. Do you sit at home and think to yourself, "Hmmm&hellip;I have an idea. Let&#39;s all go out to eat, treat the staff like a bunch of pricks and then let them prepare our food where we can&#39;t even see what they&#39;re doing." If you do think like that, get ready to have a dick in your hotdog bun when you give the waiter an attitude. Trust me, I&#39;ve seen it happen before and it didn&#39;t look like it added some tasty flavor to the dish. So next time be nicer if you need to return your food.nonadultnonadultThis one should be the most self explanatory one on the list. We are not dogs. Don't whistle at us or make any other type of noise to get our attention. Wait for us to walk by, and then ask your question. It&#39;s degrading to do this, and it&#39;s only going to piss your waiter off for the rest of your time there.nonadultnonadultWe want you to feel welcomed from the moment you walk in the door. That's the truth. However, after you eat, drink and pay the check, it&#39;s time for you to finish your conversation and leave. We only make money if we can flip tables. That means if you decide to sit at a table after you&#39;ve already paid and just talk, we&#39;re losing money every time someone new walks in to eat, but can&#39;t because there aren&#39;t any open tables.nonadultnonadultThis is last on the list, but this is the #1 thing that will annoy anyone who works in a restaurant. Even though you only see the staff that's working out on the floor, we do have chefs, dishwashers, etc. who all work in the back. If you walk in right before we close, you&#39;re making everyone have to stay just that much longer. And after reading this list, you should see why none of us would want to stay any longer than we already have to. So look at it like this: chances are if you&#39;re the only one in the restaurant when you walk in, you should look at your watch and then walk right out. Because if you decide to stay, that just shows me that you&#39;ve never worked in a restaurant before, nor do you understand how restaurants operate. And unless you mention upfront that you&#39;re going to leave an amazing tip, everyone probably just wants you to leave immediately anyway.nonadultnonadultWell that's my list for everyone. The list could go on forever, but I&#39;m stopping it there. I hope you all got something out of it. In my opinion, you shouldn&#39;t be allowed to go eat at a restaurant until you&#39;ve worked at least one day in a restaurant. But we all know that won&#39;t ever happen. If anyone reads this, and wants to give me a job doing comedy, you can find all of my work at www.youtube.com/shortyarib. The sooner I can get out of the restaurant life, the sooner I won&#39;t have to deal with this nonsense. And for anyone who&#39;s working doing something other than their passion in order to pay the bills, remember this: "The only way to succeed is to NOT have a plan B." Best of luck! KEEP IT KOSHER and LIVE THE DREAM!
-Ari Seth BlaunonadultKeep Your Break Ups Offlinehttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ariblau/keep-your-break-ups-offline-a3rq
Break ups happen. It’s life. But when it happens to you, just remember one thing: KEEP IT OFFLINE!

So your relationship just ended. What's the first thing you're going to do? Watch "The Notebook" while eating some Ben & Jerry's Fish Food ice cream? Cry about it? Masturbate to your favorite nudie site? Cry about it some more? Whatever you prefer, I can tell you one thing that you shouldn't do: DON'T TALK ABOUT IT ON SOCIAL NETWORKS!

I can't help but laugh at how sad and pathetic people sound when they complain about how their relationship didn't work out. As soon as they break up, they get on Facebook, Twitter or any other social network site and start updating their status about how they're going to find someone else who will "treat them right" and "appreciate all they do" and blah blah blah.

Did you ever stop to think about despite the fact that you only have 600 "friends" on Facebook, there are over 7 billion people in the world. And you're going to sit there and complain about how your relationship didn't work out with 1 person. ONE PERSON! What is wrong with people?

I think it shows you're weak if you can't focus on yourself and get your own life in order before you spend all your time in a relationship. Why not use something negative and turn it into something positive? Go out and create something, write something, be something – instead of constantly worrying about the next person that you can cuddle up on a couch with to watch the same fucking Titanic movie that you've already seen over a hundred times with all your other exes. The movie isn't going to change! Jack still dies in the end because Rose is a selfish bitch who can't make any room on the door. But that's beside the point.

What I'm trying to say is don't be a bitch when life's a bitch. Definitely keep it off social networks, and most importantly, don't think that rushing into another relationship will solve all your problems. So instead, just focus on the positive and move on.

]]>http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariblau/keep-your-break-ups-offline-a3rqWed, 10 Apr 2013 01:55:10 -0400Break ups happen. It&#39;s life. But when it happens to you, just remember one thing: KEEP IT OFFLINE!ariblauadultSo your relationship just ended. What's the first thing you&#39;re going to do? Watch "The Notebook" while eating some Ben &amp; Jerry&#39;s Fish Food ice cream? Cry about it? Masturbate to your favorite nudie site? Cry about it some more? Whatever you prefer, I can tell you one thing that you shouldn&#39;t do: DON&#39;T TALK ABOUT IT ON SOCIAL NETWORKS!
I can&#39;t help but laugh at how sad and pathetic people sound when they complain about how their relationship didn&#39;t work out. As soon as they break up, they get on Facebook, Twitter or any other social network site and start updating their status about how they&#39;re going to find someone else who will "treat them right" and "appreciate all they do" and blah blah blah.
Did you ever stop to think about despite the fact that you only have 600 "friends" on Facebook, there are over 7 billion people in the world. And you&#39;re going to sit there and complain about how your relationship didn&#39;t work out with 1 person. ONE PERSON! What is wrong with people?
I think it shows you&#39;re weak if you can&#39;t focus on yourself and get your own life in order before you spend all your time in a relationship. Why not use something negative and turn it into something positive? Go out and create something, write something, be something &ndash; instead of constantly worrying about the next person that you can cuddle up on a couch with to watch the same fucking Titanic movie that you&#39;ve already seen over a hundred times with all your other exes. The movie isn&#39;t going to change! Jack still dies in the end because Rose is a selfish bitch who can&#39;t make any room on the door. But that&#39;s beside the point.
What I&#39;m trying to say is don&#39;t be a bitch when life&#39;s a bitch. Definitely keep it off social networks, and most importantly, don&#39;t think that rushing into another relationship will solve all your problems. So instead, just focus on the positive and move on.nonadultnonadult