Friday, December 21

An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψιςapocálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning 'un-covering'), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, hidden from humanity in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation, although this sense did not enter English until the 14th century.[1] In religious contexts it is usually a disclosure of something hidden In the Revelation of John (Greek Ἀποκάλυψις Ἰωάννου, Apocalypsis Ioannou), the last book of the New Testament, the revelation which John receives is that of the ultimate victory of good over evil and the end of the present age, and that is the primary meaning of the term.

I never thought the world was going to end. It still could today, but I prefer not to think it will. Instead I like the definition of apocalypse from above. I also heard it defined as an "uncovering of truths". Me likey.

Interestingly enough, I did have an experience last night that could have marked hell freezing over, pigs flying, or life as we know it ending. MDLL surprised the shit out of me.

DISCLAIMER - We are not back together. If we get back together one day it will NOT be until well after his divorce is final.

We are both struggling with this breakup, especially on Sundays. One of us contacts the other almost every week after the 4pm football games. We don't say much, although this week we decided to meet Wednesday night for a pre-Christmas drink.

Beforehand I went out with work friends to celebrate my last day (today!) at the midtown client office. Naturally I got hammered. By the time I got to Crazy Ass I was starving and exhausted, so I stayed long enough to inhale a plate of nachos and down three waters. I actually showed some self-control!! We hugged, said Merry Christmas, and I went home.

About an hour later he texted me saying he's really glad I stopped by. I wrote something along the lines of me too, this is hard, and I miss my best friend. I also wrote that it hurts he's not fighting to get me back, but I know it's not his style so I'm trying not to take it personally. He never responded.

Yesterday was a crazy, but great day. I went from the midtown client to therapy to Stevie's firm for an awesome meeting, then went home and kept working for a couple of hours. MDLL's flight to Pittsburgh was in the afternoon, so I figured he had landed when I was done working at 7pm. I imagined him getting off his flight, hugging his dad, then bursting out into tears because he loves me and fucked everything up for no reason. Hey, it's my fantasy!!

I thought this as I was leaving my apartment to buy Rippie a Christmas gift. When I got downstairs, MDLL was standing there, suitcase in hand. SHOCKED. Absolutely shocked. He's NEVER done anything like this before, never just showed up at my door, never really surprised me romantically with random gifts or appearances. I've imagined coming home from work and him waiting for me on my stairs, but I knew that was never going to happen.

But it did. Hell is Hoth right now.

It turns out his flight was delayed for a few hours, then he and a bunch of other people missed it because there was no announcement when it finally boarded. He was livid. I don't blame him.

On the bus ride home from LGA, he thought of me. His gut said to come to my apartment immediately. This is crazy because MDLL is not impulsive. He overthinks things until he's paralyzed, unable to take action. (See divorce.)

I kept thinking it was a dream. I thought the Mayans were giving me one last night with him before we were wiped out of existence. I thought it was one big acid flashback and I imagined the whole thing. Apparently it was real.

I'm still in shock. I don't know what to think or feel, so I'm not going to do either for a few days. My disclaimer holds true - we are NOT getting back together nor our we "faking" a break up but still going to hang out all the time. We both acknowledge our struggles and sadness are more intense due to the holidays and football (dorks), so we're cutting each other some slack right now. Instead of beating myself up or over-analyzing what happened, I'm going to remember last night for what it was at face value:

My ex-boyfriend showed a little fight and romantic surprise. Obviously it was too little too late, but I'm going to cherish the moment because he finally went out of his way for me to show he cared. That's all I ever wanted from him.