God and I

My conversion to Judaism.

The following essay was written by a woman currently undergoing conversion with the London Beth Din.

My father has been an atheist for most of his life, although he was brought up as a Protestant. My mum was raised Hindu although she has not observed any practices since she was 18.

My parents always told me and my sister that they didn't feel it was their place to impose a religion on us (mainly because they were from such different backgrounds), but that we would be free to choose ourselves. Religion was seen as being something that other people do, but I was always encouraged to think about faith.

Until the age of 16 or so, I didn't think about belonging to a religion. I believed in something, but didn't know what. I always felt that there was something bigger than me that I was not able to comprehend. I remember lying in bed as a child and talking to God, and I was always curious about religion.

I went to a Christian school until the age of 14 but became very close to a Jewish girl there. When her father sadly died when we were nine, I remember being struck by the process of sitting shiva and the enormous support her family received from the community. As someone brought up in a community of four(!), it was something which touched me tremendously. However, I had no structure to my beliefs, and no way of expressing them. My dad has since reminded me that I was fascinated with Judaism for many years; I had assumed that it was not until much later that I started to look towards Judaism to give me that structure. However, we recently spoke about how much I used to talk about Judaism and the Jewish people and he found an exercise book in which I had written about Sukkot and the Exodus at age 11!

For a few years while I was a teenager, I became very angry with God. We had a very difficult time as a family, and I went through the experience of losing two family members who had been very religious (although they were not Jewish, obviously). At this point I remember questioning for the first time whether there was a God, and whether I had been kidding myself by feeling that I was being watched over. I went through a very angry period which I remember as being quite a dark and difficult time.

As I walked down the railroad tracks in Birkenhau, I felt an enormous connection to the people who had walked there 50 years before.

I'm not sure what changed for me, but I vividly remember visiting Auschwitz-Birkenhau when I was 16 on a school trip. As I walked down the railroad tracks in Birkenhau behind my classmates, the sky suddenly turned completely black and I felt an enormous connection to the people who had walked there 50 years before. It was the first time in my life I had felt such a strong connection to a community other than my immediate family, and it was astonishing for me. After returning from Poland, I decided to begin exploring this further and wrote my A Level History project criticizing Holocaust revisionism.

Around this time, I became a lot friendlier with Aryeh and he began telling me about his religion. I remember being struck by how openly he talked about his relationship with God, and how firm his belief was. Previously, the concept of God had always felt very private to me, and almost embarrassing, but he was so proud to believe and to see himself as having a close personal relationship. I began to feel that perhaps I could be entitled to such a personal relationship as well, and in a way started repairing the relationship that I had felt with God when I was younger.

That was, I suppose, the start of the journey that has brought me to where I am now. About five years ago, I decided to test my ideas about ‘rules' being restrictive, and started to eat only kosher meat and stop mixing meat and milk in order to see what effect that might have on me. I was surprised at how broadly it affected my life.

Firstly, simply having to think about the food I was preparing and eating encouraged me to consider where it had come from and the special significance I could give to food by having to think about it in this way (rather than just as ‘fuel'). I did a lot of research at this time about kashrut and the emphasis of compassion, especially in blessing an animal, really struck a chord with me. Secondly, it had the unexpected effect of making me think about my identity. I had always been thoughtful about my mixed-race identity, but that felt like it singled me out. Now I felt an affinity to a community, just through the way my actions set me apart from other people. At this point, I was still eating in non-kosher restaurants (ordering vegetarian food), and I was struck by how much I had to think about my identity even just looking at a menu, or going to the supermarket. Rather than feeling limited as I would have expected when I was younger, I felt somehow special and enjoyed feeling that the simple act of eating could encourage me to be so reflective.

Finally, it also had the effect of changing my identity to other people. I found myself shocked at the strong reactions I received -- many of my friends questioned why I would change my lifestyle at all. This was the first of many experiences of having to explain my actions, and it had the dual effect of encouraging me to think about my reasons for doing it, and increasing my affiliation with the Jewish People.

Following this decision, I spent a long time reading on my own, and thinking a lot about how I felt about religion, and what it would mean to be Jewish. The more I read, the more I found views which I felt described the values I already had, such as being hospitable to others, being careful with one's words, the separate roles of men and women, being charitable and so on. I was particularly struck by ideas of God as being present in the world but hidden, and being an incomprehensible concept that we could never fully understand. This seemed to really put into words what I had always felt, and it felt like a relief to find an idea of God which was so separate from humanity, so broad and encompassing, and yet still personal and close.

I felt as if God was listening to me.

Around this time, I started experiencing my life quite differently. The only way I can describe it is that I felt ‘accompanied'. As I was reading, and thinking about whether to try to become Jewish, a number of things happened which made me feel as if God was listening to me, and telling me that I was on the right path. At times, I put this out of my head, thinking "I'm just one person, why would He care?" but it continued and gave me a lot of comfort. Even now, I have found that when times are difficult, something always happens to let me know that I am on the right path and that I should persevere.

Feeling this growing personal relationship with God has not only given me strength and comfort, but I think it has also had a huge effect on my relationships with other people. Shira, who is tutoring me in Jewish studies, told me some time ago that I should make my decisions thinking about what God would want me to do. I find that this underpins a lot of my thinking now. I feel that it has made me more forgiving, more determined to see the best in people and constantly thinking about whether I am ‘doing the right thing'. This has at times meant that I have made choices which have disappointed others, or have left me exhausted trying to be there for others, and sometimes even which have made others see me in a bad light (for example if I have challenged someone for doing something I have felt was morally wrong), but I get a lot of strength from feeling that I am trying to live my life in this way.

This has all happened in the background of introducing God into my life in a more tangible way too. Going to synagogue for the first time was a very moving experience for me, and I am eternally grateful that we chose Yom Kippur as my first experience of Shul; listening to that Kol Nidre service is something I will always remember. I am also thankful that I did spend such a long time learning on my own before I went to the synagogue; the rather intimidating experience of going to my first Shabbat service, and trying as I have to find a synagogue which suits me and which I find welcoming has been made much easier by the feeling I have when I open the siddur in shul and feel that I am on my own talking to God. Incorporating prayer into my daily life has also created a foundation for me to make the most of every day; saying ‘Modeh Ani' and thinking about starting my day ‘like a lion' always makes me jump out of bed in the morning! Praying every morning, saying blessings throughout the day and reflecting in the evening remind me to be thankful and give me pause to consider what I am doing, how I should go about my day, and how I can improve the next day.

It has been quite a journey. In many ways though, it feels almost like I have done a lot of traveling and come full circle, coming back to the close and pure relationship I had with God when I was a child talking to him before falling asleep. It is a great source of strength to me to have that feeling of being watched over once again.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 72

(71)
baer,
November 18, 2015 5:30 PM

wonderful TO THE POINT

TO THE POINT GREAT AND HONEST CLEAR

(70)
Miriamwcohen,
November 16, 2015 8:17 PM

Did you follow. Up with her

This was written in 2007, 8 years ago.what has happened to her since then? I have friends who are converts, and they truly are more religious than I am, take nothing for granted, and live their Jewish lives much more thoughtfully. I really am interested to know if she followed through and is still Jewish.

(69)
Reuven Frank,
November 16, 2015 5:56 AM

Beautiful

I mamash (really) cried at the sheer beauty of your simple, pure and innocent emuna (faith). I am not a convert, but my first wife was, and I was subsequently involved in another long-term relationship with a giyoris. So I have always felt a special connection with the converted. It sounds to me as though you will be a welcome and loyal member of the Jewish people. At least to me, you are. May you have the merit of Ruth to be involved in the Davidic and Messianic line and a true daughter of Sara Imeinu,God Bless You! Amen.

(68)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2015 1:52 AM

What a remarkable person! I wish her many blessings as she continues her journey.

(67)
Eliana Me'ira Harman Cudo,
November 15, 2015 3:50 PM

Mazel Tov!

Shalom, Cindy - I could not resist reading of your choice, as I made a similar choice...repeatedly...during the years that were my journey to conversion. Obviously, you have made a truly considered decision. I trust that you will continue throughout your life to feel the satisfaction of your choices, which will be ongoing. Kol hakavod! May your joy remain full regardless of whatever you face through life. Eliana Me'ira

(66)
Marlene Josephs,
November 23, 2011 3:04 PM

I just don't get it

Those of you who have written in about not accepting the convert and making her/him welcomed are either not practicing Torah Judaism or do not follow the specific instructions in our Torah...to welcome the convert and to remember that we too were strangers (in the land of Egypt). This is repeated in our scriptures...what part of this don't those of you who treat the convert poorly understand? It is said that a tzaddik can't stand in the place of a ba'al t'shuva (meaning one who returns is so much more than) and even more so with a convert. Kol HaKavod to all of you who have converted, are in the process or are even entertaining the possibility...what an amazing undertaking!!!
I'm shepping such nachus!!!

(65)
Shira,
January 24, 2011 2:04 AM

Well said

I too am a convert, daughter of staunch atheist and formerly Catholic parents. Never baptized, never stepped foot in a house of worship until I decided to do so myself, so "convert" always seems a bit of a stretch - I had nothing to "convert" from! When I was 9 or 10, I met a Holocaust survivor and was fascinated from that point forward with Jewish history. I felt then (and I feel now) that I WAS Jewish, just born into the wrong family! At 12 my best friend was an Israeli and I began to learn Hebrew. I attended many Bar/Bat Mitzvahs during middle school and was always jealous that I could not have one. I joined a Jewish Youth Group in High School, and found going to Shul a perfect fit, a place where I was at peace. I became vegetarian while living at home, and when I was able to, in college, I began to keep Kosher and keep Shabbat. I converted during college, and later married a Jew.
It is always amazing to me that many others have this "pull" towards Judaism. It is not something that was pushed on me, and there were a million ways I was discouraged from conversion by both family and peers at the time, but I have found, to this day (some 20 years later) that Judaism is the one constant, the one thing that brings me peace, no matter what life throws at me.
Thank you for sharing your story.

(64)
Evelyn,
October 31, 2010 8:23 PM

convert of long standing

I converted to Judaism some 32 years ago. Never once have I regretted this move. My life has changed in so many positive ways- not something I could have imagined. I have two communities where I live in the winter and another - though more distant- at my summer residence.
My conversion spanned three years. It was done in Boston via the Beit-din in case I decided to liver in Israel- I did- as my work took me there for about 1.5 years- wonderful experience- but too far from my family . I never broke off from my family - they accepted my change.
Ba' hatzlacha.

(63)
Leslee,
October 15, 2010 10:01 PM

Thank you for inviting me in to be a part of your family story

My parents did not take my sister or myself to church when we were children although they sent us to Christian school. I got a BA in music, because my high school had such a great music program. I attended seminary and became an Ordained Protestant minister (which I still am though I am struggling). Both my Mom and Dad have recently passed and I discovered that they were both Jewish.
I was born in 1960 and not to make excuses for them, but we always had many older Jewish friends who I now know were survivors......For whatever reasons my parents felt they needed to keep their secrets....I am glad I now know who God made me to be. Welcome.
I always felt Jewish, even as a child.......Shalom.

(62)
Wassim,
October 14, 2010 10:49 AM

Congratulations - It's personal

I am nearing the end of my fascination with Judaism. Maybe I sought it for the "wrong" reasons. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I am thankful for the kindness I found when I felt the need for something. I'm not exactly mentally stable, I've been diagnosed with bi-polar, which is not an excuse, I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's a great religion, but I can't live like that. I'm not good enough, not anymore, something went wrong down the road and it's like I'm damaged goods now. I don't want to change even if it's for the better, I'm quite tired of this need to become better, more enlightened, more observant. The only cause left for me is to live out the rest of my life the way I want to. I'll always admire some Jews and question the wisdom of others, no different to my attitude to other groups. My main accomplishment was being able to overcome my fear of speaking with a Rabbi, and overcoming the attempt to brainwash me into a Jew-hater during my formative years in Libya. All in all, a positive experience with a slight anti-climax, the story of my life really. But seriously, this is the website I go to when I need a little inspiration, so thanks.

(61)
Folke Holtz,
October 11, 2010 9:53 AM

At last at home.

I am also a convert to real Judaism. At last at home. I had ancestors who laid down their Jewish life and I am glad that I have been able to pick this up and continiue the Jewish life.
To be a Jew is wonderful, and I have not yet noticed any problem with those born Jews. We have it wonderful at our Beit Midrash there both the Ortodox rabbi and Chabad-rabbi teach us deep and lifegiving things.

(60)
Doron,
October 10, 2010 1:35 PM

Convert to Convert

I converted to Reform Judaism almost 30 years ago. The problem is that I then spent the next 20 years trying to figure out what being a Jew was. I felt sort of connected, just different then all the ‘born Jews’. Then I moved to Israel and converted to just plain Judaism. I realize now that it is all about your teachers and your intensions. I see by some of the comments some unhappy people have joined the ranks of our people. I am sorry to see that. Just remember, what you put in is what you get out. Being Jewish is hard, but way worth it. Jewish converts are not sought out and they are turned away quite actively to weed out the people that are doing it for the wrong reasons. It is all about getting closer to Hashem; and that is not an easy thing to do. Now I feel more Jewish than many of the ‘born Jews’ that I have met along the way. Converts are special, since they reach out to Hashem from their hearts, and this can have an effect on other 'born Jews' too. Ba’atzlacha Cindy!

(59)
Y'Didyah,
October 10, 2010 4:06 AM

You have come home

I envi you. I'm on the way to converson, but I don't have a jewish community in the country I live and I am dying of anticipation.
Any advice?
Y'Didyah

(58)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2010 6:42 PM

THE VALUE OF 1

A wonderful path...
But it began with a little girl- a girl whose parents loved her enough to make her a proud Jew.
Stay Strong

(57)
Anonymous,
October 8, 2010 6:06 PM

converts are treated miserable, conversion is not real

As a convert myself (unfortunately) my only piece of advice is
dont convert
.
After I experienced again and again how miserable converts are treated I honestly coudlnt encourage someone to take this path. The system has to be changed as soon as possible. Its no way to treat people, who are willing to give so much. There are so many jews who dont care at all about their Judaism, who dont know what it means to be jewish, who intermarriage etc etc...and people who are so deeply committed, doing acts of chesed, learning, involved in their communites are treated like THAT. I think the future of Judaism looks very sad...I fear for it.

Dan,
November 15, 2015 4:44 PM

Don't give up

Hashem is testing you. You can pass the test! Don't let others stand in your way on your path to spiritual growth. Simply feel sorry for those who mistreat you, because they're committing a grave sin, and wish that they repent. If you detach yourself from this unfortunate situation, you'll return to fulfilling the reason why you decided to convert in the first place.

(56)
Amy,
October 7, 2010 9:06 PM

All my days

I am converting. I have been studing for 2yrs and it has been the most electrifying time of my life. I read and read and still I read there is so much to learn and absorb and practice. I feel myself expand with every morsel.

(55)
Geoff,
October 7, 2010 3:17 PM

Inspiring yet sad

It's a shame how somebody born outside of the Jewish religion has a much stronger connection than many people born Jewish. Wishing Cindy all the best as she progresses on her exciting journey. Welcome!

(54)
Arthur,
October 7, 2010 7:49 AM

Phenominal article

I felt extremly inspired reading your article. Sounds like you converted for the very right reasons. May Hashem grant you enough strength to see, feel and embody the beauty of our heritage.
Welcome to the Family Cindy !

(53)
Yehoshua Friedman,
October 6, 2010 3:41 PM

A sign of the end of days

Cindy, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your thoughts with us. I have taught people converting to Judaism and have known many others who have converted. I have often been very impressed. There are others who are less sincere, of course, but that is the chance we must take. We must understand what a unique time in history we are living in. In the time of David and Shlomo there were no converts, nor will there be in the time of Mashiach. The reason is that when Israel is living on top of the world there will be no challenge to become Jewish. It will be too good an offer to refuse. In the time of deep persecution there are no converts for practical reasons: it would be suicidal and also a threat to the survival of the Jewish community converting them. Today we live in a balance-point when there is a possibility of conversion. We must carefully make the most of this opportunity. We must accept converts but not indiscriminately. We must be accepting of those who choose us for serious reasons and not for marriage or to be a macho Israeli. Moreover, if you know someone who is possessed of a superior spiritual character and is searching for a place to go religiously, be friendly and welcoming. The person and the the rabbis will make the final decisions. We can be talent scouts. But you have to put everything on the table. A true Jew must observe Jewish law and being Jewish is hard. The person who says under these conditions as Ruth did, "Your people is my people and your G-d is my G-d" is the one we want.

(52)
paula fernandes,
October 6, 2010 2:57 PM

i feel connected to the jewish people.

what a beautiful text. i was raised catholic, i truely believe in God and i feel so close to judaism and jewish people. i was once in a synagogue in lisbon and i really felt God there. i really want to visit israel some day and also auschwitz. i feel connected to the jewish people.

(51)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2010 11:35 AM

BE RELENTLESS

Chatzlacha, I know very well what it feel like to pursue a conversion. IY"H you will feel satisfaction and happiness. Everyone has a purpose in life and Gerim have the most rewarding test. :)

(50)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2010 5:36 AM

Dear Cindy,
You wrote a very absorbing article. My wife is a convert who became Jewish many years before I met her and she is very sincere.
You also show the same sincerity.
The husband of a convert

(49)
Soshana,
October 6, 2010 2:22 AM

welcome home

Cindy, we welcome you with open hearts. I hope
your journey continues to enrich, challenge, amaze and strengthen you. There is so much comfort in the
Torah and other holy books, baruch Hashem!

(48)
Nathan,
October 5, 2010 3:01 PM

Moved me...and I'm sure will move many others

Thank you Cindy Johannsen. You're life story and your words are making a powerful contribution to others who look for solutions. The meaning, sincerity and quest you describe so well builds so logically to find and cherish what we seek - whether we are aware of it. Your "arrival" I am sure, will make the path clearer for others. Thank you.
Nathan Abraham

(47)
antonio sabella,
October 5, 2010 7:37 AM

i enjoyed your article,a true journey

I myself am about to convert and feel called to judaism especially after having read Talmud and Torah. Lech lecha!

(46)
Rachel,
October 4, 2010 8:48 PM

Response to converts is improving

I converted more than 25 years ago (and since I'm now 50, that means I've been Jewish longer than I was not.) In the early years, I found a lot of skepticism about my conversion. As the years have passed, fewer people question it or even my original heritage. When some older people occasionally remark that I don't "look Jewish", my standard answer is "So I've been told" and I just drop it. I would also add that having lived in my present community now for about 13 years, it's long-since become a non-issue to those who know my family and me. Best of luck Cindy.

(45)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 4:31 PM

may your spiritual journey continue to be rich

Ms. Johannsen,
I thank you for sentence "I should make my decisions thinking about what God would want me to do."

(44)
Shmuel Naarai,
October 4, 2010 4:12 PM

The Call Of The Most High

Shalom v Brachot Le Coolam!
I have read the testimony of Cindy. Indeed it is very captivating. I am myself a descendent from the first deportation diaspora...(through Babylone and India) way back almost 2500 years if not more. We have been assimilated to quite some extent. Only a few domestic habits reminded us of our heritage and belonging. On top of that, my grand-parents on both the maternal and paternal sides migrated to the tiny island of Mauritius in the 1940s.
We have had encounters with major faiths and my family has been more or less adoptive of the Hindu rites but, we took care to keep well away from the cheat of islam.
Cindy relates her craving for a personal relationship and this is what it is all about!
The christians have exploited this doctrine as their own and we hebrews have been disowned of almost everything.
On top of that, islam came to top off the rerouting of faith by dispossessing Israel of its legitimacy. Praised be Ha Shem because we are the apple of H's eyes.
One strong dogma that I was given through the Tanach is that... when G'D assembled the children of Israel in the desert under the guidance of Moshe Rabinu, it is believed, taught and emphasized that all those who are part of the Salvation process through revelation of the living word of G'D, past, present and future believers were there and blessed ahead of time.
Cindy, like all of us, had been called and like others who will be called, must gather to the holy congregation without any discrimination. I personally do not use the term 'Conversion' in describing the process for anyone in joining the family of Israel. I call it an "obedience" to the call of Ha Shem.
My testimony and conviction is that Ha Shem never fails H'S promise and will keep gathering the remnants of Eretz Israel for the sake of H'S Glory and Name. Those whose hearts are circumcised will never miss the call of the Most High.
Times of rejoicing are coming when the Beit Ha Mikdash will be rebuilt in our era. Amen

(43)
Joyce,
October 4, 2010 9:10 AM

I agree with Mr. Robert Miller's comments. Maybe I have put my comments time and again in various articles. I would still like to put my views once again that we have been put in exile to gather the Holy Sparks and to include converts in our midst. But many of us still are very rigid in their behaviour with such people. Other communities welcome people from other religions with open arms. Then why are we only so rigid in our thoughts. A little request to you all - every single Jew counts. Do not make the converts to Judaism feel outsiders. THIS IS SAD BUT TRUE THAT IN MANY COUNTRIES TILL TODAY WE HAVE NOT LEFT THIS ATTITUDE.. My request to Aish is to really put a big article on this, which may drive home this fact to our fellow Jews the world over. Please continue praying for the ingathering of the Jews and converts. Each Jew counts in today's world. Let us gather each Jew into our fold. Please please stop this separation amongst ourselves.

(42)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 5:51 AM

In reading some of the comments to this article and reading the article itself I can certainly relate. To study everyday is good. It can get confusing when cd's of the Hebrew language are in Sephardic and my Siddurs are Ashkenazic. I am just studying the Siddurs now. Chasidim is my ultimate goal anyway so I think the choice to get the prayer books when I could with the transliteration was best. The problem I have is the flow of the language and the traditional music that I don't know. Maoz Zur is on the back of one of the "8 Beautiful Nights" the Chanucah celebration and the treble music is printed in 5 lines and 4 spaces. I long for more music that is put to the prayers in the Siddur. I just do all the parts... Chazan and the rest. I want to learn everything I can. Slowly is how I am going about it. I keep strictly kosher by food and preparation, serving. I applaud the authur for her continued study and with a tutor. She is very lucky. I wish her the best and hope for the rest of her life Hashem is with her and all of us, the converted, converting and those born to be the chosen people of Hashem. I am grateful for any help that I can get. Thank you for this article. It means a lot to me.

(41)
Gary Smith,
October 4, 2010 5:12 AM

All very Inspiring. I'm especially moved by the line from Pini85: "Please god make me strong enough to feel your love!" The power, wisdom and presence of mind and humility reminds me of King Solomon, one of the greatest Jews and leaders in all of history when he pleased G-d by humbly and wisely asking for leadership qualities instead of riches in I Kings 3: 7-13. He so please G-d that he got both! Bravo Pini85 for being so wise. And thanks for making the Jewish People infinitely greater.

(40)
David S. Levine,
October 4, 2010 3:36 AM

A Thoughtful Person

Ms. Johannsen writes like a highly thoughtful person. Her motivation is one of a seeker after truth and is not based on a romantic relationship. She must ans should be accepted as one of us when her journey is completed by conversion and I'm certain she will be. As Buddy Hackett put it, "You converts are better Jews than us."

(39)
Victoria,
February 20, 2008 12:50 AM

I am so inspired

I am converting to Judaism. My family belongs to Southern Baptist Church.Since i was a child, I know that being Christian is not for me, felt that something is missing in my spiritual life, even if I pray hard. And I don't feel at ease to pray to G-d through a saviour. I read about the Jewish religion one day and felt so inspired and I felt the emotional excitement and felt 'I have found my home'. I am now in the process of converting, doing Torah studies slowly. I know it's not going to be easy, but I will persevere, through HaShem's guidance. The Jewish websites are a great help. Thank you so much for your article.

(38)
sarah,
November 15, 2007 6:46 PM

conversion of a budhist asian

Your story is compelling to me in my own way when I also was searching. At one point of my life I had asked the same question, about where is G_d and why did he not listen to me. My hope was on a string. I had gone to different services to try all denominations but nothing resonate with me. I was invited to a high holiday services and it was then that the sound of the shofar rang a bell in my ears. It was an awaken for me. I began studying judaism, taking classes, and going to temple for a year before my conversion with the beit din. Judaism helped me in ways of personal growth, of seeing beyond and being proactive instead of reactive. I volunteered a lot and love the community. It is now five years that I am an asian jew and I am still learning. I am raising my two children jewish and they have also converted. My hope is for me to continue to learn judaism and finding my jewish soul mate in our lives. Thanks for sharing and good luck!

(37)
Pini85,
November 5, 2007 5:09 PM

I converted to Judasim about 5 years ago.My mom was christian and my father was jewish.I was living in Israel.And my mom and her family (including my sister)lived in Finland.I converted to judasim when I was in israel.It was so clear to me that judasim was the right religion.But I did do a problem,I went into the religion too fast.I went to a yesiva for a year and after taht went into a stricter yeshiva.Was there for about 3 years.Didnt talk to my mom nor my sister because they were christian.But it was too much for me.As in in the end I just couldnt take it anymore and quite the religion school.And came back to finland.And now I dont practice judasim almost at all.But im having dreams almost everyday about religion school.I must say it was the best years of my life.I got now lots of friends,lots of girlfriends,lots of money.But no,its nothing compared to our sweet tora.Im gonna go to the jewish community in Finland.And start slowly,slowly again.Because it is the best thing in life.I just suggest go into it slowly but surely.Ask a rabbie what to do.My rabbie didnt suggest me to go to the harder yeshiva..but I thought nothing could stop me.GOD BLESS THE TORA.Please god make me strong enough to feel your love!

(36)
melissa,
August 27, 2007 8:42 PM

Thank you

Thank you. I am in the process of converting and I can identify with many of the things you wrote.

(35)
Anonymous,
July 28, 2007 11:12 PM

Conversion of Cindy Johanssen

Dear Cindy. On the contrary of you, I am born jew, with both parents jew. They did not practise a lot their religion. By chance, our grand-parents on both sides helped us.But because of my father's job (officer in the French army), we lived many years in foreign countries -Africa, Asia-, where it was not possible to find "cacher food". So, the whole family lost slowly the practice of the religion. Several years passed. My father died 28 years ago. Six months ago, I lost my mother in desperate conditions, and I was confrontated to serious family problems (sister, brothers and their own family). I was in such desperate state, especially morally, that I started to contact again my community. I discovered suddenly all I had missed during these years of non-religion practice. I know it is not too late, but very difficult to change quickly. The only change in my new life is that I consider now people around me with very different eyes, especially in the present world full of anti-semitism and racism. I can assure you, Cindy, that you have made the good choice. Keep it, and God bless you.

(34)
noelle/ariella,
July 26, 2007 8:49 PM

Ifeel you and am with you inspirit !!!!

I converted to judaism and am trying by best. I do not want to be a fanatic but i love the ideology of judaism.Everyone please help me stay connected for eternity !!!!

(33)
Rubie,
July 23, 2007 8:55 AM

I can identify with you

I too am non jewish, but a friend of mine have learned that the Native Americans are decendents of The Ten Lost Tribes. She lives her life with a strong Jewish and Hebrew influence. It has been about eight years that I have been feeling this closeness to God through my Native American roots also. I just feel the Jewish way is the only true way to God. No religion has fulfilled me as much as how the Jews live and woriship. I have changed you lifestyle alot, but I still have a long way to go. I want so badly to follow the Laws keep the commandments of the Old Testaments. I have great respect for belief and Laws of the Jewish and Hebrews. I long to live my life as such. I was raised Catholic and have searched out other diffedrent religions. The Jewish way to me is the only way. I am 48 years old, my physical features look Afircan American, but my mother's mom was 1/2 Cherokee and 1/2 Causcasian. My mother's father was Canadian and Native. My father's mother was American Native and African American, and his father was 1/3 Caucasian and Native American. I don't really know where I stand in all of this; all I know is, after searching for the spirital truth, I only found fufillment in the Jewish way. Thank You Rubie Guillory

(32)
Amanda Elizabeth,
July 23, 2007 1:13 AM

an inspiration...

Dear Cindy I want you to know how much I enjoyed your essay. I too am wishing to convert to judaism and your essay was quite an inspiration to me. What a special person you seem to be and a lovely part of the jewish community.

(31)
Catherine,
July 20, 2007 2:57 AM

Wow what a testimony.

Keep encouraging pepole to hold into there faith just as you have done to me

(30)
Margo,
July 19, 2007 12:07 AM

Beautiful essay, thoughtful and well written!

The way this young woman thinks and feels will make a lasting relationship enriching her for a lifetime. Mazeltov!

(29)
Anonymous,
July 18, 2007 11:11 PM

Mazel Tov, London

I grew up Jewish in rural Mississippi during the turbulent sixties, where, more often than not, I had to hide it to fit in. Now at age 52 I am discovering my roots as is my girlfriend from Russia who didn't discover she was Jewish until age 18; also having to hide it. We are both in America now practicing it openly and with enthusiasm. Glad to hear of your wonderful experience.

(28)
Debbie,
July 18, 2007 10:54 PM

Mazel tov

Mazel tov on such an incredible decision, reading about your journey has put me in touch with doing more and appreciating my Judaism. May G-d bless you.

(27)
Jessica,
July 18, 2007 8:45 PM

Amazing story...

I have had a very similar experience as bazaar as it may sound. I've actually never come across anyone who converted because their soul's connection to Judaism but more so for marriage purposes. I've heard of stories where when they were studying then their connection to Judaism ignited. I myself had a very ambiguous religious identity and found my self yearning to connect to the Jewish faith and community. I studied with a rabbi and converted about 4 years ago. I've always felt I was born with a Jewish soul and somehow I found my way back. It sounds like you've done the same. I sincerely wish you the best on your journey.

jess

(26)
Helen Palm,
July 18, 2007 2:33 PM

Thank you for inspiration

I got inspired about this story. Since 2003 I have been going to the synagogue and praying and eat kosher. Hashem will show in the future if my convert into judaism will be true. Greetings from Finland!

(25)
Cindy,
July 18, 2007 11:50 AM

Thanks for the comments!!

Just wanted to say a big thank you to all of the kind comments I have received. It was very touching to read everyone's thoughts.

(24)
david,
July 17, 2007 2:26 PM

Parents

Kol Hakavod Cindy amazing life story.1 question though. How have your parents been through all of this.I too have friends who have converted and some have had parents who are supportive and others who have been down right mean.How have your parents dealt with all of this?

I was moved by Cindy's story and hope she continues to grow in her knowledge and relationship with our Creator.

(21)
Ilana,
July 17, 2007 8:40 AM

Really connecting to G-d

Something you might like to know is that I went to a lecture by a South African Rav Wineberg earlier this year and he spoke at length about the hidden and revealed aspects of Torah. He mentioned in part of his lectures, how a Japanese scientist has observed the effects of words on water (remember that our bodily makeup is 0ver 90% water) and it is quite incredible what happens when the effect of negative and positive words is observed on the molecular structure of the water through an electron microscope.Now put this on another level - just think when you make a bracha or blessing on any liquid, food, or even when you pray daily what that effect has on you personally and how you live and perceive the world through living in a Torah way. How this changes your essence and creates a positive energy connecting you to Hashem and how the light of your neshemah will flare and burn ever so much more brightly just because you as a person by your actions have allowed it to be so, by your willingness to open yourself to such.I knew when I was 7 that I was "different" and knew that I would be Jewish one day by the time I was 18, but it took me another 15 years to get the courage to feel worthy to stand before 3 learned Rabbis on a Beth Din and have the chutzpah to as them to convert me.My only regret is that I should have started my Jewish journey earlier, but Hashem has reasons for everything. Real Jewish learning demands that you understand yourself and value yourself enough to go forth secure in the knowledge that you have the truth and trust in Hashem always.

(20)
Mathew,
July 17, 2007 7:30 AM

I can relate so well to your story

I am currently going through a conversion in Australia and it feels so good to hear someone else on the other side of the world going through the same journey and getting the same happiness as me. Thanks for sharing, may G_d bless you on your journey.

(19)
Kadi,
July 17, 2007 7:25 AM

Amazing!

When I read it, it was like I was reading my own words. So much of it is like I have.. Friends and family a bit angrily asking why I chose to limit myself in all what world and life has to offer, and they do not seem to realize that by doing it, by following all the mitzvot my life has become more fulfilled, tremendously more fulfilled. I also have always thought that there was somebody more higher than anything in the world and that He hears and sees me, whatever I do and wherever I am. As you say when visiting Auschwitz you felt this connection, I myself am thinking wether or not I could manage myself there, if I am strong enough to live all that through..I am learning and practising Judaism and soon I hope I'll reach my conversion and live a dedicated life.Kol tuv and thank you for the wonderful article!

(18)
Virgil,
July 16, 2007 7:53 PM

I too Am With GOD.

Wonderfull story. I too was shown that Judaism is the closest religion to God.

(17)
Jane La Lone,
July 16, 2007 5:53 PM

Isn't it wonderful being led so carefully?

I identify with so much of what you have written. It is very awesome to feel G-d's presence encouraging and assuring us that we have chosen the right path. We have accepted an offer that we were free to not chose, but who would want to miss such wonderous choice? I have gone through so many and varied losses since, which without my Jewish faith, I doubt I could have survived. It does not mean I do not grieve and feel deep sorrow, but I do not feel entirely and tragically alone. And, I am hopeful that I may once again feel the almost unlimited joy of being a Jew, with all of the social responsibility and the delightful prayer and song that go along with it! And when I study, or research, I can feel gladness. Enjoy your path and the great efforts for a cause more worthy than a doctorate or becoming a millionaire or discovering another star.........you have discovered the beginning and the end, the everything. I so much enjoy reading about people's conversion process. Thank you for sharing! Best wishes and good luck!

(16)
Daniela,
July 16, 2007 5:47 PM

To Robert Miller -

While I don't agree that we need to make it easier to become Jewish (for reasons you can ask your LOR (Local Orthodox Rabbi)), I do agree we need to be more open and welcoming to those who have.

(15)
Annette,
July 16, 2007 12:15 PM

I agree with R Miller

but thankfully 'outreach' is starting WITHIN the Jewish community, opening up to the Ba'al T'shuva movement and welcoming us 'back' - slowly but surely; let's hope more Jewish communities read this and get on the 'welcome back home wagon';the orthodox, thankfully, they've kept Torah for us loyally for the last 3000+ years, now is the time to share it with blasts of joy to those of us returning; we are after all returning for a reason, we need it, you've got it! keep sharing it. This is also called outreach, and we DO want you to share The Torah with us.Listen to Aish lecture by R Aryeh Carmell Parsha Behar Bechutotai Message of lag b'Omer: "G-d never gives us up, there will always be someone left, the teshuva movement... the Jews cannot be destroyed" - and we're open to the righteous Jews who kept the Torah to a 'T'! I live 3+ hours from a functioning shul, and feel a stronger need to do what I perceive as what G-d wants of and from me than to cave in to my environment. Blessings of gratitude from the time I wake up til I fall asleep in bed are de rigueur. I too remember looking out my bedroom window as a little girl, and talking to G-d, this still my most vivid memory, and I didn't know I was Jewish; but I knew everyone can talk to The Almighty, so I did. I still do. And I'm still trying to figure out just what a Rabbi is, and how to figure out when I should talk to one... they are my biggest mistery yet...

(14)
Lisa,
July 16, 2007 10:36 AM

Thanks for sharing your experiences

I also wish to convert to Judaism (coming from a Catholic Irish background) and it is really great to read somebody elses story. I can relate to some of the things you wrote about and its nice to know that I am not the only person in this boat.

(13)
chana sharfstein,
July 16, 2007 10:20 AM

Cindy,, your article is so refreshing and inspiring

Dear Cindy, I really appreciated your presentation of the effectand impact that kashrus has on your life. Often we say our blessings on food quite mechanically but you reminded me of the meaning of these prayers. Our appreciation for the foods we enjoy is definitely heightened by our expression of thanks to G-D for supplying us with nourishment. In teaching these blessings to our children it is very important to discuss with them the real source. Children can only become aware of the blessing of rain to make the harvest grow when we present them with a discussion on the grains in our breakfast cereals. A child may not perceive why we thank Hashem for a cake baked by mother or grandmother until he considers the actual ingredients and recognizes that Hashem is the provider. I thought your shul experience was very well related. I am very happy that you have become part of our people and I hope and pray that within the near future you will meet your beshert. I know you'll build a home filled with Jewish values and transmit these values to your children. And we should all be grateful for the existence of Aish Hatora to educate our people and providing us with great reading material and great lectures and programs.

(12)
Jeffrey Wallach, LCSW-R,
July 15, 2007 10:43 PM

Please keep up with us!`

I hope we can here more from Ms. Johannsen as she progresses on her journey to conversion.

(11)
Robert M. Miller,
July 15, 2007 5:52 PM

It is wonderful welcoming Cindy into our peoplehood. One thing worries me. Our communities tend to be quite stand offish to new Jews. We need to educate the present Jewish community to become open and welcoming to our new sisters and brothers. We are not an elitist country club. We need to make it easier to get in, and quickly feel like part of the community.

(10)
Gavin Marsden,
July 15, 2007 4:53 PM

Accompanied

Baruch Haba to the Jewish People

(9)
Baruch,
July 15, 2007 4:09 PM

Give her this message

She has accomplished what we as born into the faith Jews take for granted... Although we have the legacy that stretches thousands of years and constant reminders...We tend to forget...I guess it sometimes takes an outsider to put us back on track...oh, and don't forget to tell her the most important part...it is because of Ruth (a convert)....That David the most beloved of all of G'ds children came into the world who built the 1st temple and from whom will come the redemption of the Jews through the Messiah. TY. B.

(8)
mayer zayan,
July 15, 2007 3:57 PM

journey with no end

this journey starts every day nad has no end because He is always with us protecting, nurchering and loving us more than we love ourselves or our loved ones. He listens to all our prayers and answers all of them.

(7)
Ulviyya,
July 15, 2007 1:39 PM

Hi.My name is Ulviyya. I am from Azerbaijan.To be honest, I learn many things from this site. It is very helpful. I have jewish friends and I really love Israel. I celebrate jewish holidays in Azerbaijan and can say that it is very interesting Thanks.LOVE AZERBAIJAN

(6)
Ruth Housman,
July 15, 2007 12:35 PM

Coming Full Circle with Cindy Johansen

Hi, I read with interest Cindy's beautiful story of being drawn towards Judaism and God. Why do we reach for anything? I mean today I was in a bookstore marveling at this explosion of books wondering how there can be readers for so many, and always room for one more? I was thinking it is Divinity that guides our lives and that what I am being drawn towards, in reading, in contemplation, in friendships, wherever I go, that this is God traveling with me, and even, dare I say, taking me on my own profound, personal journey. Now today I was thinking all of this and suddenly my eyes were drawn to a book high up on the shelves at Borders and the name of this book was, Coming Full Circle.And so there is resonance with the words used by Cindy in describing her particular joyous journey towards a personal relationship with God.

In terms of religious practice, I am not that observant of Kashrut and yet, I feel deeply the spiritual connection with my Creator and that my relationship is very deep. I think that ultimately, yes, we decide about how to worship, but that prays, being also aurally, praise, is the recognition of beauty and truth and in doing so realizing how amazing this world is, in all respects, it is a paying respect, each in our own way, through praise. I say constantly, "Thank You for bringing me to this place at this time!

Thank You cindy Johansen, for sharing your own, beautiful story.

(5)
Philip Rubin,
July 15, 2007 12:17 PM

Beautifully expressed and truly inspiring!

As one who also converted to Judaism (52 years ago at age 19), I congratulate Cindy on the maturity of her thought processes which led to her ultimate decision to embrace our historic faith. I pray that Cindy will always find satisfaction and spiritual enrichment within the Jewish faith and in her personal relationship with our Creator, as indeed I have all these years. Baruch Haba!

(4)
Loriel Golden,
July 15, 2007 11:56 AM

Thank you for living your passion, Cindy!

Dear Cindy, Thank you for being true to yourself and truly living your passion! May God continue to bless you with strength, courage and joy in all you do and all you are! Shalom, Loriel

(3)
Anonymous,
July 15, 2007 9:58 AM

she felt compelled to follow her heart!!

in her heart -this was the right way for her true feelings!

(2)
Braha,
July 15, 2007 9:02 AM

Thank You, Cindy!

Thank you so much, Cindy, for sharing your journey with us. It's so lovely and uplifting to share in the sense of intimacy you felt with G-d as a child and that you have reclaimed now as a Jew. Your insights into kashrus and prayer are unique and thought-provoking. I am inspired by your appreciation of times of reflection. You have provided us with a role model in your article, and I thank you again. Of course, welcome to the Jewish people.

(1)
Efraim Jaffe,
July 15, 2007 7:20 AM

inspirational!

Your thoughts and comments are an inspiration to those of us who have practiced Judaism for years and often fall into rote observance. Welcome to the Jewish People - we can use a few good men and women like you!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...