March 25, 2015

Healing Breaths

I sat in a physical therapist chair on Monday, he softly rubbed my face and touched my shoulders and tears dripped down my cheeks. My physical reflexes wanted to push him away even as my soul reached toward him for help. Weird!

I was shocked at the depth of emotion his gentle touch illicited from me. I can handle physical healing so much better than I can handle the idea that my nervous system needs to heal.

Often on our road to peace and happiness we feel potholes or encounter road construction in ourselves. I feel grateful to recognize these spaces in myself-- it's like I finally see an infected splinter and can just squeeze out that infection. My nervous system is still in protective mode and I'm ready to tell myself- I'm safe now.

Can I tell you how healing it was for me to have someone assure me that he could help me with this very normal transition? The hyena has left, I am safe, time to enjoy the afternoon sunshine.

My PT asked me to slowly breathe in through my nose and completely expand my stomach. Imagine a hot air balloon filling up, he explained. Don't be afraid if your breath hits a bumpy patch, keep breathing in past that part until you reach the very fullest point.

I was asked to read a list of traumatic experiences and count how many I have had. They were things like car accidents and near-death experiences. I counted 27. Wow. Is it odd that today I feel so lucky? I feel full of gratitude and hope and healing.

When I was younger I felt proud that I couldn't think of one thing I needed to repent of. As I matured I learned that the closer I got to God, the more He showed me sins and blessed me with the ability to repent, change, and be strengthened.

I think healing is like repentance. The more I recognize healing in my life, the more I see great healers who have been sent into my path to teach me. My scars are symbols of my strength NOT my tragedy.

Yes, I'm STILL dealing with emotions buried from Ben's birth. But, aren't we all dealing with something all the time? Maybe healing is like repenting. Maybe it is more of a holy refining process than a symbol of weakness.

One thing we can do, I was taught, is fill our senses with new positive experiences so that our trauma finds a place in our past not present emotions. I smiled to myself. Ahh yes! Family vacations ARE what my soul is craving. See how wise we are?

I'm off to fill my day with safety, beauty, family, and love! Being a happy mother is just what the doctor ordered!

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About Me

I am a mother, a Christian, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a New Yorker, and an optimist.
I love people, happy endings, cowboys, squishy babies, crayon pictures, quilts, blue skies, fingerprints on my windows, clean laundry, sun rays through the clouds, and one certain college professor.
I have 8 children, 1 horse, 5 cows, 15 chickens, bunny that thinks she's a chicken, and 1 silly dog. (We raise free-range children, and chickens.)
This blog, like my life, is a continual rough draft. I'm not afraid to let you see me before I'm finished.
Today, I'm enjoying my moments and LIVING my happily ever after.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

"Oh, the ordinary day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me be grateful while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall fall upon my knees, or bury my face in the pillow, or lie among the sick, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

Mary Jean Iron

Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.