Friday, March 27, 2009

God gave me this great idea the other day- to put all of my poetry in a scrapbook!! Today I started going through all of my old journals, diaries, notebooks, and binders searching for all of the poetry I've written over the years. It's ALOT! Yet it's incredible. God TRULY breathes the words into me, and they are an expression of His love and faithfulness to me. As I read through my poetry I see the seasons of life He has brought me through, I read some of the words and it takes me back to moments in time. I can feel the raw pain, or the delight of the moment. This is going to be a very moving project as I put together this book but I'm excited for it to be done and I can sit down and look through it all.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I've always been a scheduler. I LOVE lists- shopping, to-do-, pro/con, whatever. I love charts. When I was 10 I made our family's first chore charts. Anything that makes me feel organized. So.. I'm a control freak I guess. The next 4 weeks are going to be absolutely crazy in my life. I do not like being overly busy and feeling stressed- but that's exactly what I feel right now lol! So tonight I sat down and "mapped out" the next 4 weeks. I'm juggling ACT studying, my Spanish class at the college, my homeschool stuff, work, church, 2 retreats (one of which I'm leading worship at). It's alot. But after planning out goals for each week I feel alot better about the next month. And I know that I will rely on Christ and look to Him for affirmation and not the world. I will not accomplish all of these things with perfection but I can do them with a joyful heart- and that is what Christ wants from me. For me to put forth my best effort and serve Him gladly with all things. So I'm hanging up my chart under my calendar and I'll soon begin crossing things off my list. I apologize in advance to whoever has to work with me while I'm planning my wedding or preparing for an adoption- I will be list-crazy LOL.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The PERFECT weather!! It could not be more beautiful out. All 5 of us are home and we spent the morning outside!!

The spring cleaning! Sweeping, organizing, cleaning...

Before:

After:

Bike riding...

Finding my rollerblades...

Seeing the beautiful blooms come up from the ground. The promise of spring- that after the dead heaviness of winter, life will spring forth. I LOVE that. It turns me back to Christ and His redemptive power everytime. Praise you Jesus!

Climbing trees with Caleb.. (notice he's MUCH higher than me in the tree lol)

Jumping on the trampoline with the brothers...Taking out all the winter clothes from my closet. Oh, and wearing my favorite springy shirt.

1. I'm thankful for our God. How great is our God?!! More amazing, loving, faithful, compassionate, and merciful than I can EVER express. I have rested in His timing and His plan this week. Here's a couple verses I have

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears."Philippians 1:6 The Message

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."Jeremiah 29:11-13

This scripture nearly brings me to tears. God, who keeps His promises, gives such great hope! Oh yes, Lord, your plan is beautiful. It most certainly will be different than what I want but you know what is best- for me and for your people. And you will be glorified through it all. I cannot wait to see what you have for the future.

2. I am so thankful for all of the sweet people God has placed in my life (and some of them are you bloggy friends)!! As I walked through those emotional days after my trip I had so many people who were there for me, to listen to my heart. Now I am refreshed and ready to return the blessings!

3. I am thankful for the GORGEOUS weather we have had!! I've taken lots of long prayer walks outside with my dog. And I love being able to drive with the windows down and feel the breeze! :)

4. I am thankful the weekend is almost here! I'm looking forward to some downtime.

5. I am thankful for my wonderful job and coworkers. One of them just got into nursing school yesterday so I made a cake and am going to go buy a balloon and we'll surprise her this afternoon with a "Congratulations" party. :)

6. I look around my house and am just overwhelmed by everything that we have. It's so elaborate compared to the homes I saw last week. My list would be a mile long if I started listing off all of those blessings.

I hope you all are having a wonderful Thursday- we have MUCH to be thankful for.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It has been 4 whole days since we returned from Guatemala- and they have been loooonnnnnggggg days! I had forgotten what a hard adjustment it is coming back from there. I did not remember it being so painful. And maybe it wasn't the last time. This trip was definitely the most powerful out of all of 3 times I've been to Guatemala. The Lord moved mightily in my heart, and I saw in a much greater way what God sees when He looks at these people. He truly gave me His eyes to look through. My love for Guatemala grew even bigger and deeper, and another piece of my heart was left there. The past few days have been alot of soul-searching and aching. I had trouble being joyful, because i was just so darn sad! A sweet girl at church who I look up to alot was talking with me on Sunday and said, "When you come back, it's like a mourning process." I hadn't thought of it like that before, but it really is. You grieve for the children, for the country, for the emptiness in your heart.

I met with a sweet friend Alyssa, who has been to several orphanages and has an amazing heart for the orphans. Talking with her brought alot of closure for me today. I can still cry for this country, these children, and the deep ache in my heart to return but I have a new peace in being here. I'd been struggling with WHY am I HERE? Why am I not THERE where kids need love? Where these precious Guatemalan people are hurting and need to hear the precious message of our Lord (Americans do too, I just have such a heart for these people). I miss everything about that country so badly. I miss the people, I miss the challenge of speaking in Spanish, I miss my girl, I long to kiss the faces of the children one more time, and tell them they are loved. But God has brought me back here. Hopefully only for a season, but nonetheless, I am here. So, I walked in the door feeling refreshed. I'm still overwhelmed with life, still trying to understand all that God showed me last week, but ready to tackle the tasks set before me. If I grieve forever, I can't succeed in the jobs I have here, and I won't ever be able to go back. Here's a poem I wrote this morning, perhaps it will sum up what I feel right now? I'm sitting in my house but homesick for the beautiful country that has stolen my heart.

Homesick

Another piece of my heart was left there that dayAs I took my last glimpse and then turned away.

I just ache for that place, how I long to return thereI miss everything about it, as I whisper my prayers.

It's been hard coming back, after a week that was so full .I just can't describe it, it's been terribly painful.

But I've drawn close to the Lord, in the midst of my sorrow,He has given me joy, and hope for tommorow.

Though I may feel quite homesick for that country of my heart,I know that my Savior has had a plan from the start.

He has placed me in this town, this family, this moment.And He's asking me to follow, and be His servant.

While I long to jump on a plane- go serve more of the orphansHe has asked me to stay, to follow only His plan.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It was our last full day in Guatemala. We'll say goodbye to the kiddos tommorow morning and take a shuttle to Guatemala city, leaving my heart behind.

We went to school this morning with the big girls and observed the classes, as well as help teach English. The kids were so affectionate and LOVED having us there to visit. These poor children tore pieces off of their bread and broke apart their cookies so that we would have a snack too. I could've scooped all of them up and taken them home!

After going to the school, our plan was to go into the town for lunch and a little shopping. We use "chicken buses" which are basically old school buses that they use for public transportation. I tried oh SO hard to not think about leaving tommorow but it did not work lol. I'd been just feeling really sad and when I sat down in the bus I just melted. It was very embarrassing and I really didn't know why I was crying except for the fact that I just felt sad. Of course we had sat in the front row, so everyone had to pass by the American girl who is crying on her dad's shoulder lol. This sweet old Guatemalan woman was climbing onto the bus and in Spanish told me, "Oh you are sad?? You need your mama." That made me cry even harder!! So that began my emotional morning. We arrived in town and headed for lunch. We decided to call my mom while we were waiting for our food and we took turns going over to the side of the patio to talk with her. When it was my turn I sat down and we started talking about how incredible this trip has been, how God has blessed us so abundantly this week, how it's going to be so hard to leave, and I started crying again. Thankfully that was the end of my tears and we enjoyed lunch, ice cream, and shopping together before heading up to the orphanage.

The rest of the afternoon and evening we spent with the kids. My heart has been so heavy today and it was painful to be in there with the children. It hurt so much to go in there and see the darling faces of the girls who I've grown to love so much. I wanted to just go down to our apartment, pack up, and get out of this country that is such a burden on my heart. But I knew I would regret it if I didn't spend as much time as I could with the kids. So that was our day. I'm sorry I don't have much more to say. It's been a good day but long and hard.

Thank you so much for those that have just started reading my blog. Thank you for all of the comments, sweet friends. Your emails, facebook messages, and comments have pushed me on throughout the week.

I will have MUCH more to write when I get home as I process everything that has taken place this week. I'm putting together a slideshow of videos and pics that I will hopefully post Saturday!

We covet your prayers for safe travel tommorow as we drive and fly home.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Today was a great day for us. I personally feel much more light-hearted and encouraged. We went with our friends, Greg and Brenda, from Canada to a rural village to do oral hygiene classes with the Guatemalans. We held the classes in a church that doubles as a school on the weekdays. There were many really neat highlights from the day and in order to organize my thoughts I'll make a list:

1. The group we joined for the day needed a translator and Greg had prayed this morning that somehow they would find someone to help them teach the lessons to the people. Well, God picked me. By His incredible grace, He has blessed me with the gift of learning this language- and a deep love for it. I LOVE Spanish. I LOVE being able to communicate with the people. So I got to work with kids, speak my favorite language, and teach all in one day. It was amazing to see God answer prayer that way.

2. We met the most amazing pastor here. He walks ONE AND A HALF HOURS to get to his church. How faithful is that?! I have never ever met someone who is SO faithful to God, and to the calling He gave them. That is AMAZING.

3. I met a really neat girl named Mary who lives in this little village by herself. She's from the States, I think around 22 years old. She's been in Guatemala for a year, and she is going to open a medical and dental clinic in April. Another amazing example of following God's call!!

4. I have never seen somebody get SO excited over a toothbrush. These people were delighted!! There was a row of older ladies in the back of the classroom and they were laughing so hard while brushing their teeth they started snorting LOL!! So.... next time you brush your teeth- be thankful you have a toothbrush, be thankful you have teeth, and look at yourself in the mirror and laugh. Just for the fun of it.

It was just overall a very uplifting day for me. I'm so thankful, because I was emotionally exhausted and discouraged yesterday (hence no blog post). Tommorow will be our last full day in Guatemala, and we fly out Friday. We are going to go to school with the "big girls" and then spend the rest of the morning holding babies. Then, we'll head for our last lunch, ice cream, and last minute shopping. We will say our goodbyes to the kids on Friday morning, so that will be a rough day for me. But I'm not thinking about it, and I'm going to savor their hugs and kisses tommorow and pretend I don't have to leave this beautiful place!

Monday, March 9, 2009

This trip is amazing. I cannot express to our God how thankful I am that He has given me this opportunity to serve these children and this country, as well as spend some special time with my dad and brother.

This trip is also very tough. I feel like I'm repeating myself alot and I apologize. I'm doing my best to express what we see and what God is showing me. But, as I've said before, it is just incredibly hard for me to see these orphans. It breaks my heart. Yet, at the same time, this work makes my heart sing. I LOVE giving these kids hugs and kisses and showing them love. They are DESPERATE for attention. I had a little boy climb out of his highchair to get to me when I walked in the door (I'm holding him in the pic above- he's become very attached to me). This little guy is very needy and he needs a mommy SO badly. He will wrap his little arms around my neck and put his face up next to mine until he feels secure and certain that I'm not going to put him down. This makes me feel broken, yet my passion is for these children and I love being able to comfort and love on them.

All of that to say I feel overwhelmed. I wrote this poem tonight in an effort to express the emotions that are storming in my heart as I think about this week, this country, and these children.

Storm in My Heart

Emotional overload, there's so much to feel.Such joy and sorrow, this all seems surreal.

When I look at their faces, some are so sad.Their eyes are so empty, their hearts are not glad.

So needy for attention, so desperate for loveI long for them to know, their Father from above.

My heart is just breaking, their pain is so greatO Lord save these orphans, and make them not wait.

While I'm filled with their grief, I have also found joyIn the hugs and the kisses of precious girls and boys.

I feel complete in this place, feel I'm making a differenceMy burden feels lighter, as I follow God in obedience.

In those moments my heart, cannot help but sing.Oh, Lord, this life, is an emotional thing.

Today was another good one! We spent the morning working on some construction projects. We had MANY laughs and apologized alot lol. Caleb and I had the task of installing an electronic keypad lock on one of the doors. What should have been a simple task took all morning! After installing everything, we discovered the door didn't shut. So... we went and got somebody to help us and they agreed, "No esta bien." (this is not good!). I agreed that no, it wasn't, but we don't know how to fix it. I'm actually not sure if they ever did get it fixed but it was fun working on it! My dad was given the task of installing two florescent (i'm not spelling that correctly) lights in the ceiling of this cement building. He worked HARD but was victorious and the workers were quite impressed. I'm so proud of you Daddy! Overall, the morning was a great time. We got to know the workers, try new things, and most importantly work together as a team. Here's my dad with his light:

After working, we played with the older girls for awhile and took them down to the soccer field (a big cement slab the Guatemalans play soccer on) to ride their bikes. Ornoria (the other older girl) is getting SO close to riding by herself. I am determined to teach her by the time we leave, otherwise she will have no one to help her learn how. Tonight, we went to a fun pizza restaraunt for dinner. It was good!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I sat down to journal and was hoping to process through all of my day but could not get the words to flow. I feel SO overwhelmed with so many emotions. Incredible joy and delight as we love on these kids. Yet extreme sadness when I think of all we have seen, the future of these children, the poverty these people live in.

I started the first 2 lines of this poem and God just wrote the rest.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed with emotionMy words just won't flow

Struck by more sadnessThan I wanted to know

Enchanted by childrenWho have stolen my heart

Amazed at God's planFrom the very start

How can I feeland what can I do

Such incredible needO Lord I want to..

Help these precious orphansServing the hurting Guatemalans

Be a tool that You useSpread your Truth to all men.

Lord you've grown in my heartThis passion and burden

Please show me what's nextFor I am so uncertain

3/8/09Molly

So maybe this is a little window to my heart. Happy, sad, in awe of God, hopeful, praying that God would show me what He has for me after this, confused as to how to respond to this country, the people, the orphans, the dire need in the world. And, SO thankful that I'm here and that God has given me the incredible gift of this trip.

My sweet girl thinks that we are her adoptive family. My heart absolutely broke when her friend told me this. This joyful, giggly, cuddly girl has the dream in her heart of having a family. Is that too much to ask? Apparently in this world it is. I would do ANYTHING for this little girl. I would live here for a year if that would make me her sister and give her a family. I would go to the moon and back. But I just can't. This is one of the many things that we have to take in, process, and just ask God why? The only thing I can do right now is PRAY. Pray hard for these children and that the adoptions would open up again. Pray for their hearts, their broken, aching hearts who wonder why they're not good enough to be taken home like the other children.

This child of my heart has brought me more laughter, smiles, and joy this week. My heart has also broken over her time and again. My love for Guatemala grew deep through her. God uses her face to draw me back to this burden and passion.

No matter what happens in her future, she'll always be my special girl.

We went to church this morning near the orphanage. It's a newer church with only about 10 people, whose pastor has been taught by the owner of the orphanage. The kiddos also go there. It was all in Spanish and I think I followed about 80% of the sermon! At the end, they had a little "open mic" time and a super sweet Guatemalan lady said, "I want to thank the Americans for coming here and serving. May God bless them for what they're doing." After the service had ended, I went up and gave her a hug and began talking to her. We were talking about my family and I told her my dad is a doctor in the States. She looked at me and said, "Ahh.. i have been sick." I brought over somebody else to help me ask more specific medical questions and at the end my dad concluded that she needed to go see somebody and get some medications for her ailment. She repeated through the whole conversation that she could not afford to see the doctor and buy the medicine she needs. When we asked how much it was she said $40. $40 people! To go see the doctor and buy medicine. She asked us if we would be interested in buying some of her handmade goods so that she could go get her medicine. We readily agreed and she invited us to come to her house and make our purchases. We followed her down the dusty road, on dirt pathways, over a plywood bridge, across a concrete slab that was laid over the sewer trench, and into her house. It had a dirt floor, a table, ants crawling everywhere, one lone lightbulb, a bed that is shared by the whole family, and a chair. And she was embarassed. She apologized for her house. My heart broke for her. In my pathetic Spanish I tried to express to her that she should not apologize. She pulled out her bag of jewelry that she makes and we purchased enough to pay for her medicine. As we finished up, she insisted she give us each a necklace. This poor woman who doesn't even have running water in our house wants to give everyone in our family a necklace that she made- items she could sell in the market. What generosity. So we took a picture with them and then headed out. What could we say to somehow make the situation better? Nothing. We had done what we could to help her and show her Christ's love. As we walked back up the hill to the orphanage I just wanted to sit and cry out to God. I do not understand this world. I do not understand why some have been given SO much and some so little. It makes me so sad. This was our first God-appointment and I'm trusting Him for many others!

After this we headed down to Panajachel (the nearest town) for lunch and some grocery shopping (yaay we finally have food!).

We came back up and Caleb and I got to teach Claudia and Ornoria (the other older girl) to ride their bikes. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! I feel so privileged that I get to be so apart of their lives here for a week. Then, one of the mammas came up and asked me to teach her how to ride! Oh the joy of seeing her face light up when she finally got it! I felt that surge of joy and pride when my "student" finally got it as I ran up and gave her a hug.

This evening, we sat and just played with the kids. They had a movie on and would take turns sitting in our laps. I'd rub their backs, play with their hair, tickle them, and just give them love. Another incredibly fun thing has been seeing Caleb fall in love with the kids. For years, I prayed that God would place the same love and burden in my family's hearts as he had done for me. Thank you Lord for answering this prayer!!

Thank you so much for your prayers. My heart leaps to see your kind emails, comments, facebook notes, etc.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

We are in Guatemala after months of planning, praying, and waiting. I have cried and laughed alot all in the same day. And we've only been here for 10 hours!!

I CANNOT WAIT to show you all the amazing videos and pictures we have taken.

My heart is captured by these children. And it has been broken all over again.

We made it to Guatemala City on time, with all our baggage, no delays, AND our shuttle was ready 4 hours early, so we got to spend the late morning and early afternoon with the kids. When they settled down for naps we headed down to the town for lunch with people here at the orphanage. After that, we were all feeling incredibly exhausted. I was more emotionally exhausted than I was physically. So I pulled a chair out onto the deck, put on some worship music, cried, and journaled. It was a very sweet time of renewal, and I ended my time with the Lord feeling encouraged and sure that God did want me down here for a reason other than to make me feel raw and broken over the plight of the orphans and fall in love all over again with Claudia. He has a specific plan and purpose for this trip that only HE knows and He will reveal it in HIS time. In the meanwhile, He has been so faithful in providing, loving me, and showing me His incredible love.

Tonight was a special night at the orphanage and I'm so thankful we got to take part in it. They threw a birthday party for a couple of the kids and we all celebrated with cake and ice cream. While the whole celebration is very bittersweet, it was a great evening. The highlight was seeing the "big girls" (Claudia and Ornoria) get bicycles. AMAZING! I have video of Claudia getting hers and it is precious.

I wish I could share all of the stories and bring each of you here to see the magnificent beauty, the precious children, and the works of our God!! I'm having some issues with uploading photos on here so you might have to wait till I get home for the big slideshow!

Friday, March 6, 2009

We're leaving in 2 HOURS!! AHH! I can't believe it!! :) Our plane actually takes off at 2 AM so we still have a long day ahead of us.

I had envisioned this amazing, well-worded blog entry about the day we are leaving, etc. BUT.... I feel like I cannot even write an intelligent sentence right now lol my mind is in so many different places and my heart is already halfway in Guatemala!!! So I'll make it simple!!

We would SO appreciate your prayers!! Here's some specific requests:

1. Safe travel

2. That our luggage would make it there

3. For good recall on my Spanish as I navigate our troop through the airport, to the shuttle, and as we find a taxi to get to the orphanage.

4. That God would be glorified through our words, thoughts, and actions. That He would give us lots of patience and love for each other even in stressful moments!!

5. I ask that through the whole week God would do a mighty work between my brother and I. We love each otheralot but there has been quite a bit of tension and conflict in the past year. I am praying for a MIRACLE to take place this week and would love for you to pray along with me!

Thank you dear prayer warriors! We love you all and can't wait to tell you all of God's works in the coming week. I am so excited!! If there's Wifi in the Guatemala airport I'll blog, if not then I'll definitely get on tomorrow night as long as their Internet is working.

It has been the most AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS day out. 65 degrees. Sunny. A bit windy. So i started my day with a 45-minute walk with the dog, worship music on my iPod, and the Lord. It was awesome. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, just that beautiful blue. The wind reminded me of God's power, yet gentle whispers, as the wind blew across my face. All around me were echoes of God's beauty that I take for granted far too often. I'm thankful for the opportunity I had to bask in the glory of the Lord this morning.

I woke up with a sore throat on Monday and groaned. How could I be getting sick 5 days before Guatemala??!!! I started taking a bunch of cold medicines and getting more sleep than usual. It is now Thursday, the day before we leave, and I have just a small cough and a drippy nose. My sore throat is completely gone- and I've had basically full energy this week, allowing me to pack. I'm praising God for this and trusting that He will restore me completely in the next few days! He is the Great Physician.

Throughout the week I've gotten several emails, facebook messages, and conversations in which so many people have said they have been/are praying for our trip this week. I'm SO THANKFUL for you sweet prayer warriors!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! God gave me a great and precious gift when He gave me all of you!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Prayer has been a common theme recently in my life. God is definitely emphasizing it in His lessons with me! Our pastor has been doing a fantastic sermon series on Daniel. This week he talked about Daniel 9. It was really good and I was just really convicted of my prayer life (or lack of one)!

So... I thought I'd highlight some of his points for my benefit as well as anyone else who would be interested.

1. God Ordains Prayer The greatest of Christians, the ones whose lives bore great fruit also spent much time in prayer. George Mueller (a huge advocate for the orphans) said, "I know my God, and my God knows me." Through prayer, He grew to know God on a deep level, and the Lord blessed that! God ordains prayer, it is a gift to us, that we can come to Him and just talk.

Pastor Bob also made a really good statement that I liked, "A beautiful, honorable man or woman is not formed in 1/2 hour. It takes a lifetime of prayer and seeking God."

2. God Motivates Prayer The motive for our prayer is for God to be glorified. If we make God the object in our prayer, then our motive is for Him to be glorified. I am continually asking myself if I am seeking God in prayer or just seeking my own desires. There is definitely a difference and I fall into the pothole of selfishly praying far too often.

3. God Answers Prayer God answers EVERY prayer. Does He answer them the way we want to? Absolutely not. Does He answer them that He might be glorified? YES. And the most beautiful thing is that we have done NOTHING for our God to answer prayers. We have done nothing that our God would turn His ear to our pleas. But He does. Because of His great mercy. This mercy that He gives freely, that's new every morning!"We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy."David 9:18.

In the past month God has been teaching me to pray with faith and expectancy. It is hard sometimes, but the least we can do is pray believing that God can and will answer in a way that will bring Him glory. As I've prayed for our friends the Semlows' adoption I've prayed for MIRACLES. As I've prayed for my trip to Guatemala I have been trying hard to pray for BIG things- things that only GOD in His mighty power to do. And trust that our God can and will answer in BIG ways. As soon as I started praying in that way the enemy whispered doubts and lies in my ear and I've had to learn to fight this- with more prayer!! God has shown Himself to us time and again so why do I have such unbelief and doubt?!

So as I continue on in my day I trust that my feeble prayers coming from my unrighteous heart are reaching the ears of the Almighty. And that He has heard and will answer in His time in His own way- to be glorified.