A dive inside the mind of a curious college student and aspiring businesswoman.

Monthly Archives: July 2014

This song is literally so sexy. Honestly, I think that the beat and the vibe set the perfect mood for sex. Every time I hear this song I imagine it being the backdrop to a sex scene in a movie or a TV show. It just seems appropriate. I can just picture how incredibly hot the scene would be.

But upon actually listening to the lyrics of the song, it goes much deeper than just sex. It’s like a strong ballad made for those of us who have been in love before and had our hearts broken to pieces yet we still go back looking for more. It’s like people become a drug to us and even though they hurt us we still have the hope that things might change and that the next time will be different. False hope can truly get a person higher than any dope.

This song speaks of the struggle of a seemingly unrequited love or a love that once was but is there no longer. It is a battle of love and lust where all you really want to do is be with the person but you have no idea whether they feel the same or not. That’s the worst feeling. You don’t know whether the feelings are one sided or if the person ever really cared for you as much as you did for them. Being the one to always pick up the phone first or being the first to send a text gets really frustrating and discouraging. Yet you know that you keep crawling back to that person because you still want them in your life.

The song makes me feel so many mixed emotions. When I really think about it, I don’t know if I want to smile or frown, laugh or cry, or just go have sex. It’s like the song takes me through ups and downs but it always manages to get me thinking of sex just because I think the beat is so rugged and seductive; provocative even. It’s truly amazing how one song can make you feel so many things. That’s what I call good music.

In my generation, guys aren’t the type to put in the effort
Once they get a no they move on to the next.
In my generation, guys will ask girls what they want in a man
Only to pretend to be that to get what they want and leave.
In my generation, guys always look for the easy way
Out or should I say in.
In my generation, guys have no manners
Outright rude is what they are at times.

But they are not the only ones to blame.

In my generation, girls make themselves too easy and available
Offering themselves to guys when they’re drunk.
In my generation, girls have taken a guy-like mentality
Obviously not caring about a count.
In my generation, some girls aren’t even thinking about commitment
Only wondering who they’ll go home with that night.

In my generation, girls are called thots and sluts and hoes
On the other hand guys are just being guys.
In my generation, girls are judged harshly
Outrageously and unfairly.
In my generation, guys always have the benefit of choice
Only to leave the good girl for the lay of the night.

In my generation, standards are not fair
Ongoing issue in which society is to blame.
In my generation, nothing is ever thought through
Opaque is the vision of its members.
In my generation, care is not a word used and meant often
Opportunists are those who use it the most.

My generation is all about fun, being carefree, and doing whatever you want whenever you want. But that comes at a price. We still have a lot to learn.

The signs were all there. How could I not have seen that I was being played? There I was, foolishly thinking that this absolutely gorgeous guy was actually into me; that he actually wanted me. Stupid. So so stupid.

I should have realized this was all a game for him. He always knew exactly what to say and exactly what to do. Too good to be true proved to be right once again.

From the first night I was there, there were signs. When we were trying to find somewhere to go Friday night after my arrival Jake made a lot of phone calls, but they were all girls. That means that he always has girls calling him and telling him to come to parties at all kinds of ungodly hours. And the playfully sarcastic way he spoke to them reminded me a lot of how he spoke to me over the phone. That should have been a red flag for me.

He also tried to kiss me on the first night, which I wasn’t having any of, but that should have let me know that he moves pretty fast and gets what he wants. Then at the pool Saturday every single girl in there called his name when we walked in and he went around and said hello to all of them.

But then I think about how I kissed him and he kissed me back. Why would he allow me to do that in front of everyone if it was just a game? Come to think of it though, he did have time to assess who was there and who wasn’t. He probably already ran through all those girls or didn’t see them as prospects. Whatever. Now I’m over-thinking.

But there were still more signs. You should have seen how many times a day his phone would consecutively go off with text messages from girl after girl after girl. The guy is definitely popular. Again every girl knew his name and seemed excited to see him when we walked into the party Saturday night. The way he effortlessly moved from girl to girl at the party should have let me know he knew his way around and was a little too comfortable with too many of them. And then the way they all flocked to his side as soon as I started dancing with someone else was a clear sign he was seriously coveted. You have to have some sort of reputation to be that wanted.

How did I not figure it out before? Or maybe I did but I was just enjoying myself too much to care. During one of our conversations he told me that his friends were telling him to ‘pass me,’ as in they wanted a turn with me, as in that is probably something that is normal for them. I’m shaking my head at myself as I write this. How could I seriously let myself even slightly fall for someone like that?

And I obviously knew that girls wanted him; or should I say, wanted him again. Who knows? But like that girl who seemed to have it out for my during the water fight; she had to have some sort of reason for hating me without even knowing me. I know it has something to do with Jake whether they messed around before or whether she wanted to but he didn’t pay her the attention he seemingly paid me. I don’t know. But what I do know is that the signs of him being too good to be true were everywhere.

When we went hiking Jake knew the path all too well to not have taken it many times before. I wonder how many girls he’s taken up there; how many he’s hugged from behind on the bridge overlooking the lake; how many he’s kissed over and over again with the beautiful scenery.

He made me feel things though; things I haven’t felt in a really long time. Things I haven’t let myself feel for fear of getting hurt again. That’s why I want to be mean. That’s why I want to be hated. So that I’m not the one getting hurt, my dear diary, just enjoying the ride.

Nightfall. I am already on the bus on my way back home. I wasn’t ready to leave. He was too good to me. I enjoyed my time with him way too much to want to be anywhere else but with him right now. I should have stayed. I should have bought a different ticket for a later date so I could spend more time with him.

But whatever. I guess it’s over now. Without me there the girls are free to fawn over him. If they jumped on him the moment I was away on the dance floor, I can only imagine how they will act now that he’s alone again. I don’t want to picture him with anyone else, but I can’t help it. I mean c’mon, the guy is gorgeous. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already kissing another girl tomorrow.

Whatever. I shouldn’t care anyway. It’s not like we had a title or anything. He was a little summer fling that entertained me for a week but that’s that. He’s free to do as he pleases with whomever he pleases now. Oh who am I kidding. I’d love nothing more than for him to drop all of the other girls and just be with me. But I know that can’t happen. We live too far away, he’s too gorgeous, and there are way too many girls ready and willing to give themselves to him at a moment’s notice. Perfect situation for a guy to be in I guess.

I’m being bitter. But on this bus I can’t stop smiling thinking of how much I truly enjoyed spending time with him. Jake was great company. He really took care of me and gave me his undivided attention when I was there. That has to mean something. I mean, he kissed me at the pool in front of everyone. He didn’t try to hide me like some dirty little secret while I was there so other girls wouldn’t see me. When we went out, we went out together and that was apparent to everyone. Maybe there was something there. Maybe there IS something there.

One can only hope my dear diary.

There was something in the way he kissed me, in the way he looked at me, that made me feel like I was the girl he really wanted; like I was the only one that mattered. No matter how many other girls were looking at him or dancing on him, texting him, or calling him, he seemed to only have eyes for me.

The little things that he did like holding my hand, hugging me from behind, nuzzling my neck, calling me little nicknames, making breakfast for me all made me feel wanted, important, taken care of. It was an absolutely wonderful week with him. But wait. What if it was just game? What if he just did all those things to get what he wanted because he knew I’d only be there for a week then be gone? What if it was all a lie?

I wonder how many girls he’s done this with. They just come to him. I was stupid enough to come to him. I was stupid enough to fall for him. I was stupid, my dear diary. I was stupid.

So today is my last day with Jake. I leave later on in the afternoon. He’s currently sleeping next to me as I’m writing this. He looks absolutely angelic. It’s still pretty early but I could not wait to write about what happened on our last full day together.

We honestly didn’t really do anything all day, but that’s what was great about it. We spent the day just lounging around solely enjoying each other’s company. We took a really long time to get out of bed in the morning because Jake refused to let me go. I didn’t picture him as the cuddling type but every night we’ve slept with our bodies intertwined. We even held hands while we slept at times. So mushy, I know; but I have to admit I liked it.

We made breakfast together as what had become the usual; apparently we make a great team. Then we just lazily laid on couch to watch some tv. After a little while though, Jake wasn’t interested in the tv. We began play fighting rolling around on the couch. Somehow we ended up tussling on the ground and I straddled him and held his arms in an effort to trap him and render him motionless but that didn’t work. Before I could even react I was already on my back with his hands pinning mine above my head. It was sexy as hell.

I admired every inch of his muscular body and his handsome, chiseled face. When our eyes met a shock flew through my body as I witnessed him watching me like he wanted to devour me. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. There was a hunger in his eyes that made me feel wanted. It was breathtaking as I literally could not breathe at the sight.

He roughly pressed his lips against mine. There was so much passion behind his kiss; so much fire. I was intoxicated in his scent and the sensation of him on me. When we were finally able to pull apart from each other he swiftly scooped me up from the couch and carried me upstairs to the bedroom.

I don’t even have to talk about what happened next, but it’s safe to say that it was different; much more intimate and true. I wish I could remember everything he said to me word for word. Me trying to reiterate would do his words absolutely no justice my dear diary.