Thursday, October 25, 2018

My
mom passed away a few months ago, in August. I miss her every day, but this is
not to mourn my mother. I’ve done that, so now it is about celebrating who she
was. To give a small illustration of that I’m going to tell a story that
happened about 15 years ago.

Mom
was all about her family, taking care of us, being with us. There was no one
she’d rather spend time with than her children, grandchildren and great
grandchildren.

My
siblings and I like to get together and play games. We’ve had poker nights or hours
of 500 Rum. We also enjoy board games, especially trivia games like Trivial
Pursuit. Mom always played too. She was good at cards, pulling out a full house
when you thought your 3-of-a-kind was good or laying down 3 aces in 500 Rum
with a sheepish smile. She struggled more with the trivia but liked to play
because she said she learned so much during the game.

One
night, years ago, we were playing Trivial Pursuit and one of the questions mom
got, followed by the answer she gave, will remain with me forever because of
the boisterous laughter it produced.

This
was the original version of Trivial Pursuit. Mom landed on the science category
and I was reading the question:

Where is the medulla oblongata located?

The
answer is the brain. My brother, sister and I gave each other looks that
indicated we all knew the answer so we’re just waiting for mom.

I
watched mom’s face as she scrunched up her mouth and said “Oh boy” under her
breath. She dropped her eyes to the floor as she thought. After about 30
seconds she looked at me and said, “I don’t know . . . Italy?”

The
laughter that followed was unrestrained, and after her children’s heads dropped
to the table because we couldn’t breathe, mom joined in. Soon all our faces
were red from lack of oxygen. I looked at mom and she said, “I guess that’s not
the right answer.”

Monday, October 8, 2018

My
sister and I were listening to a football game on the radio and chuckling at
all the sponsorship reads the announcers had to do. When they gave scores for
other games there was a sponsor to mention, when they discussed a great play,
it became the “play of the game” which of course had a sponsor. It made me
wonder what a broadcast will be in a few years:

“Hello everybody this is Big Dave Stucky
comin’ at ya from Met Life Stadium where the Jets are taking on the Patriots.
My introduction was sponsored by Overbrook Electronics of Trenton New Jersey.
And now let’s welcome my partner, former all pro running back Glenn Forster and
his sponsor Taco Bill’s on route 1.”

“Thanks Dave, I love me some tacos.”

“Sure, who doesn’t. That banter was
brought to you by Moon Mobile, more talk for less money. Glenn what do the Jets
have to do today to stop the Pats?”

“Well Dave, your question was brought to
us by The Puritan School, a charter school for all ages. The Jets need to
pressure Brady early and often to keep that offense off-balance. When the Jets
are on offense they need to run the ball to control the clock. My opinion
sponsored by News Channel 7, home of the news and views that help you not to
think.”

“All right, we are ready for the Cheese
Wiz opening kick-off. Andre Roberts receives the ball at the Nestles 3-yard
line and after a few jukes sponsored by Melanie’s School of Dance of Secaucus
New Jersey, he’s pulled down at the McDonald’s 24.”

“The Jets really need to get stronger on
special Teams, Dave. My opinion sponsored by Haberstroh’s Haberdashery New
York, New York.”

“Ok, we’re ready for the GE first play
of the game. Darnold drops back and flicks a pass to Bilal Powell for a 4-yard
gain. Those positive yards brought to you by Tony Robbins. Second down, brought
to you by Second Chance Animal Sanctuary, and Darnold hands off to Powell who
goes up the middle for 3 more yards. That puts the ball at the Quaker State
31-yard line.”

“The Jets need to establish a run game
today Dave. My analysis sponsored by The Schlichter Group, a nonpartisan think
tank from Washington D.C.”

“It’s Arby’s third down and Darnold
throws incomplete down the middle. That incompletion brought to you by
Cadillac. The Jets are in the Jack Links Beef Jerky punt formation . . .”

“They need a good kick to pin the Pats
deep.”

“Glenn’s comment sponsored by Dell. The
kick is taken at the Acura 15-yard line by Edelman. He cuts right and is tackled
at the Snickers 25. We’ll be back after these messages.”

*****

“Welcome back everyone to the Jeep
second drive of the game. Glenn?”

“Thank you, Dave. My commercial break
bowel movement was brought to you by Quilted Northern. Let’s see if the
Patriots can jump on the Jets early. Analysis sponsored by Wells Fargo.”

“Right you are Glenn, the Patriots love
to get teams in an early hole. My agreement of your analysis brought to you by
Royal Farms. Brady drops back and throws a Kentucky Fried Chicken deep pass to
a Pepsi open receiver.”

“He caught it! My excitement sponsored
by Texas Roadhouse!”

“Edelman has it at the Home Depot 40,
he’s at the Lowe’s 35, cuts right, breaks a Pizza Hut tackle at the Netflix 29,
slips another Subway tackle, he’s at the Regal Cinemas 17, the WaWa 10, Vizio
5, Apple Watch touchdown!”

“Wow! Sponsored by Jim Beam!”

“What a Stephen King’s latest
blockbuster start to the game. We’ll be Miller Lite right back.”

Thursday, October 4, 2018

And
a word to all you extroverts: There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert.
We’re not broken, we don’t need fixed, we don’t need to change, we don’t need
your help to socialize. We don’t WANT to socialize unless we choose to.

Here’s
the deal. Introverts and extroverts are simply wired differently in the brain.
Being around people fills an extrovert with energy, with an introvert it drains
us of energy. You’re like a Duracell battery and we’re like the Chinese
knockoffs I bought at a flea market once called Durracall that lasted for an
hour.

With
all this in mind here is what I really want to talk about. I was at Bethany
Beach in Delaware a few weeks ago. It’s off season so the beach wasn’t full. I
was able to find a spot to enjoy the ocean but still be an introvert-acceptable
distance away from everyone else. About twenty minutes into my stay I hear
newly arrived people walking behind me. Then I hear the snapping open of beach
chairs. The ffflhhh of blankets being unfurled. All this is happening no more
than twenty feet away from me.

Seriously?
You have an entire beach to plop down on and you choose do it closely enough
that I can hear you unwrap the tuna sandwiches you brought along while talking
on your cell phone to Jan back home in Lancaster? I came to listen to the waves
crashing not you describe every millisecond of your vacation to your friend who
hasn’t left the house since 1972.

I
am proposing the incorporation of Introvert
Beach. This stretch of sand will be open only to introverts who will
instinctively know:

How far away to construct their
beach-day kingdom so we don’t interact with each other.

If you’re thinking about getting in the water
but someone else makes their move first, you will know to stay seated until
that person is finished frolicking in the waves.

There won’t be any forced small talk,
shouting for no reason, or screaming children. The sounds of the waves will
battle only with the sound of book pages turning.

More than one person will be permitted
to look for sea shells at the same time because heads will be down so there
won’t be any eye-contact.

I’m
aware that the powers-that-be (in other words: extroverts) may fight this
amazing idea because they want everyone to be like them; befouling the air with
jibber-jabber, making phone calls to hear their own voices and gathering
together in large groups for made-up days of meaning. “Hey, Dan finally cut his
toe nails. We’re meeting at the pub after work to celebrate!”

“Mary
and Dave replaced the water heater in their condo, time to party!” “I’m still
breathing, come to my house for jalapeno poppers and wine!”

In
this case, I have an alternate proposal.

Before
entering the beach, all extroverts must put on a wrist band that will provide
electrical shocks if they try to put up their tent or umbrella too close to an
introvert. The shocks will continue until you have moved an appropriate
distance away. An extrovert may say hello to an introvert but if they attempt
unwarranted small talk, shocks will continue until they move along.

Hopefully by next summer on the eastern shore introverts will have
their own private beach. Next I’m going to work on a restaurant, the Introvert Bar and Grill. There will be
twenty tables but seating for only 8 at a time.