I Found My Egg Donor on YouTube

YouTube: It's theplace to find puppies dressed like babies, viral marriage proposals, and this lady teaching people to cook while topless. But one woman found something out of the ordinary—the eggs that would one day become her daughter.

Lisa, 36: My husband, Bill, and I had been on the infertility rollercoaster for four long, soul-crushing years. We had tried almost everything—good ole' fashioned sex, intrauterine inseminations, IVF; nothing worked. After a lot of testing, I eventually learned that I had poor ovarian reserve—I was 35 at the time—so my eggs were no longer viable. At first I felt broken, like less of a woman because my body couldn't do what it was supposed to do. Everywhere I looked, women seemed to be getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. Why were we struggling so badly?

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

When I realized that conceiving was going to be difficult for us, I looked online for support and education. I searched YouTube for videos, and discovered a community of compassionate women who struggled with infertility just like me. I decided to start my own v-log, LisaMarieTTC, posting videos of me unpacking huge boxes of medical supplies, ranting about the crazy cost of fertility drugs, crying after getting the phone call that our latest attempt hadn't worked. I didn't hold back. I built up a following fairly quickly, and with them came a never-ending stream of support.

Friendships started to develop in this online environment, and I became especially close with Kelli. I found her in the summer of 2012, when my search for information on an acupressure product led me to her own YouTube channel. Eventually we connected on Facebook, then FaceTime, and I learned that she was a mom of three and we both loved shopping and makeup—we were girly girls. She felt like a younger sister to me, and in April of 2013, Kelli and her husband traveled from Ohio, where she lives, to meet us in Chicago. We clicked even more in person.

Last summer, after our second round of IVF failed, we took a trip to Ohio for Kelli's son's birthday. I remember telling her that we were contemplating adoption—Kelli was adopted as a child, so I felt like she could offer some insight. After Bill and I returned home, my phone rang. It was Kelli.

Kelli, 28: I asked Lisa if she wanted to use my eggs to have a baby. I got pregnant very easily with all three of our kids, so I figured my eggs must be viable, and because I was adopted, I believe that genetics aren't the only thing that makes a family. I also wanted to help someone else expand their family, just like my parents did when they looked into adoption—and since my husband was on board with the idea, making a doctor's appointment to discuss the possibility was the next logical step. But I have endometriosis, a painful condition where the tissue that lines the inside of the uterus grows outside, so I knew IVF could be risky. My OB was wary at first—he told me that all of the hormones you need to be on when you're an egg donor can worsen endometriosis—but after realizing how much I wanted to do this, he worked with me to develop a plan that would keep me safe while monitoring any symptoms.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Lisa: Egg donation had never been a real possibility for us before because it's so expensive— an average egg donor cycle usually costs between $20,000 and $30,000—so Kelli's offer truly blew us away. I wanted so badly to carry a child, so after hours of debating the pros and cons, Bill and I decided to move forward. First, we needed to figure out how to cover all of Kelli's expenses, such as travel to and from Chicago for testing and treatment, medications, IVF. We took out two loans—because Kelli gave us her eggs for free, we saved about $16,000, but that doesn't mean any of this was cheap. Then Kelli and I both underwent psychological counseling at my clinic, where we were asked questions like, "How will you explain this to your children?" or "How do you think you'll respond when strangers ask questions?" I'm white and Kelli is Korean, so we knew that if it worked, our child would have Asian features. We worked through any underlying concerns in therapy, and soon enough got the green light to continue on.

The last step required us to both be on birth control. The doctors explained that we had to trick my body into thinking I had just ovulated so the lining of my uterus would be optimal for an embryo to implant; for Kelli, combining the Pill with other stimulating medications allowed the doctors to grow more than just one egg. So Kelli and her family stayed with us for two weeks and we became a team: She began medication to stimulate her egg production, while I prepared her shots and helped whenever she needed to give them to herself—because trust me, giving yourself a shot can be nerve-wracking! Kelli's egg retrieval went fairly smoothly, and after our reproductive endocrinologist used Bill's sperm to inseminate Kelli's eggs, we had five embryos. Five days later, the doctors transferred two of them to my uterus—the remaining three didn't last long enough to be frozen, making this our only shot. All we could do was wait two weeks for a blood pregnancy test.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

One week post-transfer, I woke up crampy and irritable. I was sure I was getting my period and cried all morning at work. When I came home, I told Bill I wanted to pee on a stick and just get it over with. He encouraged me to capture it on video, on the off chance the test actually came out positive. And wow, am I glad I did. The first test showed two pink lines! I was shaking, screaming, and speechless all at once. It was the most overwhelming, exhilarating feeling. Kelli was the first person I called.

Kelli: We just bawled and bawled together over FaceTime. I said, "I wasn't even this excited when I find out I was pregnant!" While we chatted, yet another one of Lisa's pregnancy tests turned positive—she held it up to the screen just as the word YES popped up. Lisa's due date was April 5, 2015, but her water broke five weeks early…

Lisa: …and Gemma Evangeline was born—six pounds, six ounces, with a ton of straight black hair. It was what I'd waited for my whole life. She came out wailing and we got to do skin-to-skin right away. Bill was yelling, 'She's here! She's here!' After four years of trying. I still look at her and can't believe she's here.

Kelli: Gemma looks just like my youngest daughter—I'll admit that when I first saw her picture, I felt something like a maternal instinct. I never thought, 'This is my baby,' though. It was more like, 'Why do I feel so physically drawn to this baby whom I've never even met?' Eventually I realized she was just bringing back memories of my own delivery, and while it was confusing at first, it just made me feel even closer to my own family.

Lisa: Since we chose a known donor, if Jemma ever wants to know where she came from, biologically speaking, Kelli will be there as a resource. She'll always be a part of our lives, and never in a million years did I think I wound find my best friend—much less my egg donor—on YouTube.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

The Expert Take Thinking of going the egg donor route? Lisa and Kelli's doctor, Eve Feinberg, MD, of Fertility Centers of Illinois, offers these three suggestions:

Find a young, healthy donor between the ages of 22 and 28 years old: Eggs are the healthiest, and with the least chromosomal abnormalities, during this period. If you don't have—or want—a known donor, sites like RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association can help you start your search, and a fertility consultant can help you understand all of your options.

Make a list of what's important to you and your partner. It'll help determine what you're really looking to get out of this opportunity, and assist in narrowing down your options. How much involvement do you want from your donor? If you'd prefer your lives to be separate, an unknown donor may be your best option. And while things like race and the fact that Kelli was adopted—meaning she didn't know her family's health history—didn't matter to Lisa and Bill, they could be deal breakers for someone else.

Get a lawyer involved. A reputable fertility clinic will require you to obtain legal counsel (and can usually make recommendations), and it's best to get one with an experience in reproductive law. Having a lawyer on hand will help protect you and your future child or children against any potential negative outcomes, and the donor will then give up any rights to parentage in writing. Your lawyer will also help you navigate decisions like what to do with leftover embryos, or the possibility of donating them to science. Regardless of what circumstances pop up, having a lawyer is your best bet to smooth communication and protection throughout this detailed process.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Redbook participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.