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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Memory

Note: This post is about a month in the making and rambles quite a bit but something I think I have needed to write for a while.I just read a blog post by one of my dear friends about memory. How she can remember all these little things from so long ago and small details that other people might miss. My memories from childhood (and kind of in general) are flashes of moments and mostly completely vague. The smell of rice in kindergarten and letters that had names. Doing multiplication in the hallway in first grade (the only time I was ever better at math than other kids in my class). Breaking my arm somewhere around second grade. Walking to the babysitters after school. One day in the rain because the babysitter had came to pick everyone up but I had started walking and she didn't stop for me when she passed. Then going to my aunt's house after school starting around 4th grade. Riding the school bus in 5th grade, thinking I was cool when I totally wasn't. Losing my best friend in 6th grade who confirmed that I was not cool. Making a new best friend around that same time. And then there is a lot of pain and jealousy and probably multiple bouts of depression that I did not recognize because I just blamed hormones as did my parents. In the midst of that are also those times of happiness and moments that can only be described as joy. Middle school is kind of a blur but I met the person who is still my best friend to this day. And our journey of laughter began. It wouldn't be until the awfulness of the high school experience set in that we would begin our journey in tears as well. Probably 4 of the hardest years of my life in a completely first world kind of way. Actually looking back on it, in a completely self absorbed teenager kind of way which is probably normal for a lot of people. But some of that history still cuts me like a knife to this day, to read things I wrote during that time still breaks my heart because that girl, she didn't know what God had in store and how much of a blessing her life truly was (and still is to this day). Even into college I continued to allow myself to be hurt and opened myself up to pain willingly. I thought that sex would just make everything go away. That it made everything better. Along with just not caring and doing whatever I felt like at the time, whether that be drink or use illegal substances or to give in to what others wanted me to do and be.Growing up meant facing my issues. It meant letting go of all of those memories and tears and that meant losing the boy who had become my best friend, the one I escaped with, the one I loved. One day I grew tired of the pain, of the back and forth, of the lies and stopped answering his phone calls. It was one of the most difficult things I ever did in my life but that day, God gave me the courage to stand strong and swooped in and truly saved me. I sought help from a therapist and finally, finally moved forward with my life. Most days honestly, I still think about him at least once, then I say a prayer for him and set it aside. I honestly have no idea how his life ended up and it breaks my heart because I thought for so long that I could save him but God reminded me that I am not the savior, He is. I had shown him love and he rejected it. Sometimes the only thing we have left is prayer. Some days I want to call his mom and find out how he is and I did about once a year for a couple years after I stopped talking to him but I found even that was more pain than I could bear. Because knowing he was still lost (and still is as far as I know) is one of the most difficult things that I live with every day of my life. Even though God has brought me to this wonderful place with this man who truly loves me and blessed us with a child growing in my womb, I still feel my friend's pain. It all came flooding back at a concert I went to recently with my husband and a couple of dear friends. It was a Casting Crowns concert. Casting Crowns was one of the first Christian bands I fell in love with as a new Christian and a couple of their songs remind me of this time in my life as I was struggling with how to move forward. They played "Praise You in This Storm" and a strong urge to pray for him once again hit me and the tears fell and I prayed. And I praised God for bringing me out of that storm, stronger and more knowledgeable about the pain of life and love.To be completely honest with myself I have to admit that there are a few memories from that time and with him that I still have not fully let go and that when I think about them they make me smile. God gave us a memory, a storage center in our brain, to help us to learn, to help us to see things on our journey, to bring us to new places in the journey that He guides us on throughout our lives. To forget where I have come from and how much I have changed from that lost girl with no hope in the future would be to forget the journey God has been with me on even before I knew He was there. I feel beyond blessed that Matt and I will be able to raise our little one and make memories as a family that will guide them on their journey. There will be joy. There will be pain. You can not know one without the other. I can only hope that our children will have the privilege of knowing Jesus all their lives and be able to see purpose far sooner than I ever did.