Saturday, I had a wedding shower, followed by scheduled family QT. Which promptly morphed into my mother shouting at me over the phone, me shouting back, her shouting some more, and then getting my father in on the shouting at me — just for good measure.

It all started over something small — a miscommunication about the day’s plans. I recognize the part I played in the situation and what I could have done differently. But I also recognize that it was a miscommunication — and that more than just I am at fault. We all had a part to play in the breakdown in communication, which means no one’s at fault and it’s just one of those things you typically put in the “shit happens” bucket.

My mother was apparently having an irrational moment, though, because her response was the opposite of typical. My hunch is that she read more into the issue and thought I was being a heartless bitch and purposefully miscommunicated for my own benefit. Which is ludicrous, not to mention slightly hurtful that she has that opinion of me.

My other hunch is that there’s some sort of issue that’s been brewing for weeks — perhaps months — and it finally bubbled over amidst an otherwise innocent issue. If I think about the past few months there are several things I should have done differently with respect to my relationship with my family. Things you don’t think about when you’re going through the motions of life such as I have been. Things that can be repaired — when communicated about rationally.

Instead there was a quick, but huge, blow-up, which has been followed by almost three days of silence.

I’m not good with confrontation. Sure, I can fight with the best of them. But when it comes to talking things out rationally, I falter. I have to mull it over. I have to practice in my mirror. I have to plan my approach so that I communicate my side accurately and prepare to actively listen to the other side.

All of this takes time. Which is why the fight happened on Saturday and I haven’t talked to her since. I needed Sunday to process and today I had to work late. After all, life is continuing and my life? Is relatively busy these days.

However, I know she’s getting increasingly upset by the hour, which is going to make our conversation tomorrow all the more exciting. Or terrifying.

The thing that really frustrates me is that I know when we do talk, my side is going to get lost. I obviously have done something wrong, and for that, I need to apologize. But I have no idea what that is, and still contend that the issue that seeminly caused the blow-up is not something I did wrong and is just a mask for a bigger issue.

But I’m afraid she’s just not going to listen to that rationalization. That whatever crazy has inhabited her body this week, she’s going to let it overtake her and completely block out any sort of bigger picture conversation I want to attempt.

In taking the extra time before reacting, I’ve at least realized there are several things that I’ve probably done “wrong” the past few months. Not malicious, just neglectful. I’ve seen them less, seen DD’s family more. I’ve neglected to call, and haven’t initiated any other form of conversation in place of that. My work life and social life have been nonstop, and my family life has fallen in priority. Plus, my family and I don’t “plan” time together, so when there are other set plans filling my calendar, I end up neglecting mom and dad. I’ve thought about how I could do things differently, but it will require changing the way my parents and I interact. And I hope they’re willing to try that.

My hope is that we can get past the facade and get to the heart of the issue. That we can both see where we went wrong and make amends.

5 responses to “I swear I’m not a heartless b*tch”

You know what I like about this post? That you’ve already put thought into where the big picture began to crumble and how you might be able to piece it back together. What’s tough, though, is realizing that there will be times when it’s the child’s turn to be the bigger person, even though we’re so accustomed to our parents taking on that role. Hope everything works out as you’d like with your family.