My daughter and her husband recently separated. At first, she told us she needed to "find herself" but later admitted that he was using steroids and she was trying to protect him, hoping he would stop. He didn't. She still loves him but would never trust him again. Everyone is mad at my daughter for leaving, and her mother-in-law has been very cruel: She bad-mouths my daughter to everyone in town. I want my daughter to tell the truth, but she says this will only hurt her husband and that we have to take the "high road" and let it pass. How do you do that when you see your daughter in so much pain? -- K.A., 50, Glenville, NY

This is an excruciatingly difficult situation to bear. When we sign up for parenthood we never imagine that the day will come when the best thing to do will be to stand by and watch our child suffer. But your daughter is right -- taking the high road is the only thing to do. The alternative won't accomplish anything, because the people who are going to be mad at your daughter are going to be mad at her regardless. As for your daughter telling the truth to her mother-in-law, there's no point. The mother-in-law won't believe it, and even if she does, she'll argue that if your daughter really loved her son she would just stick it out.

The point is, there's no way to win this one, no record that can be set straight once and for all. Real friends -- yours and your daughter's -- will understand that there are two sides to every story, that no one knows what's going on inside anyone else's marriage, and that a woman who goes around bad-mouthing her ex-daughter-in-law is rude and out of line.

Still, if someone bad-mouths your girl within earshot, you don't have to put up with it. You can tell them point-blank that you won't tolerate hearing a word against her, that the dissolution of her marriage is no one's business. Don't get involved in all the gossip; it will only make you feel worse. Just walk away.

Setting boundaries like this provides another benefit: Because you won't be constantly embroiled in worrying about what other people are saying about your daughter, you'll be able to put your energy toward being fully there for her. Let her express her frustration with her ex-husband or her ex-mother-in-law, but try to refrain from telling her what to do. As time passes and she works through all this, she may be less interested in protecting her ex from his own bad behavior, but that's something for her to decide.

There is something you should find comforting here, and it's no small matter: You have raised a woman of character. Be proud of that.