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Basic Training

This week and next I am in training for my job. It’s offsite, and two separate courses each week. The first class is for data analysis and the second class is for contracting. It never fails how I get so excited about the thought of training. I search the course catalog as if I was searching for a fancy, new car, or some exotic vacation. I circle 3, 4, 5 different courses to take. Then I narrow down my results, and take my requests to my supervisor for approval and to the budget lady to make sure we have funds to cover the training. I’m set!

Counting the days that I get to be “out of office” and in a different setting. I make sure I set my Out of Office reply:

I am unable to respond to your email at this time. I’m in training until the 9th of August suckas! While you guys are rotting at your desk, I’m out learning stuff [sticks tongue out]. If you need immediate assistance, feel free to contact someone else. If this is an emergency and you really need to reach me….D’ah well.

The night before my training, my brain taps me on my shoulders, and says YOU BIG DUMMY!! Well my brain says this because it just realized that I am going to have to be at said training site ON TIME, EVERYDAY (bye bye telework on Tuesday/Friday), and actually pay attention. Oh my damn is all I can utter, as I walk into the class of 7 people. I can’t get jiggy with this sh*t!! I need more people so I can fade away in the back ground. It’s going to be obvious if I want to check my phone, go on FB, play Candy Crush. UGH!!

So as I face the realization that I need to be a good student and keep my electronics tucked away in my purse until breaks and lunch, I start to check out my surroundings. I realize I am at the table with all the guys. The “lady table” is all full. Honestly, this was a blessing in disguise.

So day 1, the school gives each class a box of Dunkin Donuts in the morning. A nice gesture I suppose. Well everyone is just staring at the closed box like it was the Jumanji box. They looked scared. So me being the greedy person that I am, jumped up and grabbed a donut. Then here goes the “lady table”: “Oh keep those away from me, I worked out for 1.5 hours this morning. That is just bad stuff right there. I am eating right.” They are ALL cackling about watching their weight and not eating junk. I just smiled and ate my glazed donut. Then the guys jump up and grab their donut. I’d like the record to show that not more than a few hours later, AFTER lunch, these heffas (don’t be offended, that’s just what I jokingly call people) are snacking on flavored sunflower seeds, jalepeno cheetos, Starbucks and Mt. Dew. I just shook my head.

Then you know in every training you have certain types of people. You know who I’m talking about right? No? Ok, let me give you the quick break down.

“Well-Actually…”

The “Well-Actually” person is the person that always has to correct the teacher based on their 2 mins in the government. The teacher says something, and this person says “well actually, in my department we aren’t allowed to do that.” They always have something to say, and usually make the class about them, and how they are better than this class, and they do this stuff already.

“It’s Just Allergies”

This lady started coughing on day one of the training. Someone offered her peppermint tea, and she declined. She said she just has a tickle in her throat. This woman has been coughing non stop since Monday!! That’s not a tickle ma’am!! That’s germs! Yek!! But there is always a sicky in the group that blames their diseased sneezes and coughs on allergies or throat tickling.

“Busy Body”

This is the person that feels that while they enrolled in this course, everything else in life is more important. The busy body of my class was actually “Well Actually” too. So while she was schooling us on what they do at her job, she was also checking her email on her laptop, that she set up at a vacant table, checking her blackberry, and sending text messages. Not to mention that she had to stand up during most of the class because she has a back injury. Now I am not trying to diminish the fact that she has back problems, but don’t look around the room for confirmation that the class sees you getting up and walking around. Just do what you need to, stop making a scene.

“Smarty Pants”

Smarty pants knows everything. He’s usually really quiet, but you know he knows the answers. I was at the table with smarty pants. I hope my table mates couldn’t tell, but I didn’t really validate my answers until I saw his. I mean I would compare my answers with the other people, but gave them the side eye until I compared with him. It got to the point where I would ask a question, and not even hear the other two because I was waiting on Smarty Pants to reply. I know it’s wrong, but it’s the truth. He made me feel smart. LOL.

“Tha Joka”

Now what is any type of class without the class clown. He is always making jokes, and scanning the room to see who’s laughing. He’s not always funny, but he gives it his best shot. I have one in my class, and he sits at my table. The only reason why he doesn’t annoy me is because I know why he keeps joking around. He’s an older gentlemen and not really good at math, and I can tell he uses “humor” to deflect the fact that he is still on problem 2 when we are on problem 20. I get it. So when he starts cracking jokes, someone leans in and starts helping him.

Of course there are many more characters in the wonderful world of training, but I figured I would just rattle off a few of my top favorite. I still have a week left of this training. I am frightfully interested in who the cast will be for next weeks training.