February 18, 2010 – AHHHHHH… HELLO, SELF!

02/18/2010

(Real-time entry)

Anti-depressants: Day 30. OMG, the results are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I feel like my old self again!!! I can’t tell you what a RELIEF that is and how great it feels. I have been so weighted down for so long that I was really starting to wonder if I was still the same person inside. I’ve actually been concerned that maybe the sparkly, fun, energetic “me” had left for good. And, man, I really liked that girl.

However, in the past 3 days I’m suddenly getting out of bed faster, my energy is higher, I once again feel empowered to attack projects, and I desire social interaction. Basically, I feel re-inspired to get my life under control and I am oh so excited to re-meet myself!!

So here I am at home having revolutionary, life changing results from one lone prescription, this little magical pill…

…And there my dad is in a psychiatric ward with a current combination of SIX drugs coursing through his veins: Depakote for seizures… Lexapro for depession/anxiety… Xanax for anxiety/panic… Desyrel for panic attacks… Zyprexa for psychotic conditions… with a side dose of Ativan for anxiety/depression (as needed by injection – along with a padded cell!)!!!

Seriously?? And somehow the medical and legal communities think that THAT is MORE humane than allowing a patient with a death sentence the legal and morale right to choose their own exit strategy, which may include just ONE pill? I don’t get this part. I really don’t. I don’t get why we think it’s humane to put down our pets when they’re failing and in pain, but yet we don’t allow our fellow humankind that same decency. Shouldn’t that be everyone’s personal right to choose for themselves? Wouldn’t it be much more peaceful if a proven-to-be-dying person was to take their last breath in comfort surrounded by their loved ones in a controlled setting?

My dad clearly expressed wanting out before the end. I believe what stopped him is that he didn’t want to die alone. A highly social person who thrives on camaraderie and love, I don’t believe he wanted to exit alone after such a beautiful lifetime of family and friends around him. …And so he stayed longer… which means he eventually lost perspective of time and perspective of his limited window of opportunity for that exit plan… and here we are. He’s lashing out, harming himself and others. He’s in pain. He’s suffering. He still regularly refers to one-liners about wanting to be dead, wishing he had a gun, wanting it to be over. But it’s now too late for him to do anything about it, and I think he’s mad. Mad at the world for not helping him end his misery… and mad at himself for ending up exactly where he never wanted to be, helpless, alone and afraid with no end in sight.