A blog by and about a bipolar, ADHD Mom with anxiety, PTSD, depression, panic and agoraphobia (Flabbergasted Mom) & her spouse (Man of the House) with depression and possible ADD.I wish my life was as peaceful as this picture I took LOOKS!

Sunday, 16 June 2013

I am sitting outside, with the blue sky above me and the sun's rays beating down on my skin.

The grass is soft, the breeze is light and my heart is heavy.

My grandpa is in his 88th year... He went into hospital on the Sunday of Victoria Day wkend.

Since then, on top of his diabetes & original kidney issues, a fist-sized tumour was discovered in his liver, plus a blockage of one kidney.

Then he was no longer able to eat well-blended, soft purees without Gravol.

And then even that stopped due to an undefined throat and escoughagus issue.

He wanted no more interventions, no more tests, no anything

So he was moved (after some DR drama) to palliative care.

I've been here every day.

He's been basically non-responsive since a scary seizure he had yesterday when almost all of our family was present.

Yesterday, before the seizure, Grandpa was asking over and over to see Grandma. He said he wanted to see her again before he died and that it would be too late -- that he wasn't going to get to see her.

I had to come outside because Grandpa made it very clear that he wants to die alone. He wants his parents (whose spirits he's said he's been seeing earlier in the wk) to come for him and that he doesn't want any of us to be there when he goes.

On Friday he told me, "I love you too much to go."

So I am taking this opportunity - waiting for Hubs to pick me up - to give him some privacy in case now is the time.

But he was always such a sun-lover, I would not be at all surprised if he went at sunset or tomorrow's sunrise.

Friday, 14 June 2013

I feel the need to blog but it's hard to decide what to say. Today my Grandpa told me that he loved me too much to go... I told him that it's OK to go. That when his parents come for him that the love I have for him stays with him so it's OK... No matter how old someone is - death is incredibly hard to deal with