Kristen was quick to allay press fears that her T Shirt was suffering from cancer

Yes according to the incredulous tones of Jade Watkins (who is obviously doing the best to improve on her D- in GCSE English writing experience) Kristen who was recently crowned worlds best dressed woman by international zeitgeist publication Glamour Magazine has had the audacity to appear in public in an item of clothing that has clearly been damaged, ripped or torn in some way.

Luckily she did change into something more acceptable later. A red dress which showed a bit of side tittage and therefore deserved another astounding piece of journalistic talent on the perils of plunging necklines (yawn).

We can only assume that Kristen did not have a handy needle and thread at her disposal or some kind of craftily placed neckerchief which she may have artfully hid the offensive spoiled garment with.

Whilst we all worry ourselves to death over how ever she survived such public humiliation I for one prey that Miss Stewart never ever has to suffer again the indignity of a ripped T Shirt whilst leaving an aeroplane. Get well soon Kristen – perhaps some restorative post t shirt gate therapy in a nearby branch of Gap might help you overcome this sad episode in your life.

As Liz is quick to point out – she in no way thinks she looks like Jessie J what with being 3 decades older. She is also not Bi Sexual (far too interesting and just inviting the other half of the population to reject her) She also doesn’t possess any singingwriting talent.

We are treated to five different Jessie J styles emulated in true self deprecating style by Liz who admits she has a miserly mouth and pointy features but still pouts and preens in front of the camera lens anyway.

Liz and Jessie could almost be sisters here if one of them had been diagnosed with progeria.

For the sake of all who must be dying for her to answer these important follicle related issues she is hoping that by going under the Jessie J hairstyle guises she might gain an insight into the pop starts ‘psyche’ (Yes she really has said that).

After enduring torturous hours in the make up artists chair Liz shows with true wallflower camera phobic style that she cannot bear ever to have her photo taken due to her overwhelming lack of self-confidence and inner complexities.

Actually what we see is someone making a bit of a twat of themselves in a series of comparison photos which just reinforce that fact that Liz has the literary skills of the average BBC1 sitcom writer and the posing talents of a below average ‘Olan Mills Mummy Glamour Model.’

Apparently this look emulates Hollywood great Carole Lombard. Do a Google image search for yourself on the filmstar to discover why this statement is particularly deluded.

Then just when we don’t think Liz can get any more saccharine and self-deluded she comes to an epiphany through this life changing hairstyle experience that she should in fact have more confidence and believe in herself enough to SHAVE ALL HER HAIR OFF FOR CHARITY.

Apparently inspired by Jessie who is doing the same for Great Ormond Street Liz has set up a ‘Just Giving’ page and will shave all her hair off if she reaches donations of £100k.

Don’t get me wrong I think its great that she wants to raise money for an animal hospital but does she have to do it in such a ham-fisted, vain and attention seeking way? The fact she has only generated £92.50 in donations since this article was published two days ago kind of says it all. (It does also help if you hyperlink for people to click to donate Liz).

This is the new look Liz is hoping to achieve with her ‘Charity Skinhead’ Here she is sporting the new style in a future column whilst perusing through some other plop she has written.

I propose a different way to raise funds for charity Liz and one that will definitely get people donating. Why don’t you pledge to do the following in your column over the next year and see if people start to like you more and help your cause?