Many of the game’s AFL greats are hanging up their boots preparing for the last goodbye either this weekend or in the finals.

The AFL classes of 2017 retirees are:

Adelaide – Scott “Thommo” Thompson.

Carlton – Dennis “Blueseum” Armfield.

Collingmaguirewood – Jesse “The Unit” White.

Essendon – Jobe “Jobe Wan” Watson.

Essendon – James “Kell” Kelly.

Essendon – Brent “Stants” Stanton.

Greater Western Shitney – Steve “Stevie” Johnson.

Hawthorn – Luke “Podge” Hodge.

Hawthorn – Jack “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick.

Hawthorn – Josh “Gibbo” Gibson.

Richmond – Ivan “Mullet Wig” Maric.

St Kilda – Nick For the last time Punters > “Dikileaks” Riewoldt.

St Kilda – Sean “Dempsey” Dempster.

West Coast Eagles – Matt “Goldilocks” Priddis.

West Coast Eagles – Sam “The Butler” Butler.

West Coast Eagles – Sam “Mitch” Mitchell.

Western Bulldogs – Matthew “Keith At The Kennel” Boyd.

Western Bulldogs – Robert “The Mail Man” Murphy.

Quite a hefty lists this year; some of these players were key figures, spiritual leaders within their clubs, in particular Robert Murphy.

Despite missing out on football’s biggest occasion the 2016 premiership due to an injury, this year’s class of retirees is quite an exceptional one with many of the game’s great are preparing to say goodbye.

Thereupon, there are many footballers that will see their top-level careers ended shortly, some not by choice.

Crucially, these retired footballers should not float around through the first year of retirement, instead have some definitive goals otherwise there will be a lot of spare time and boredom.

Boredom can quickly lead to damaging things.

In this high pressure-sporting portfolio, one must always be prepared for setting forth and setting out embracing retirement as a parting passage retreating to a brand new life of freedom.

Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan completely miffed that his Lions were dishonoured with the raspberry prize of AFL football justified: “There are some who start their retirement long before they start working.”

Carlton

Indispensible Brendon “Thor!” Bolton was explicit to Carlton president – Mark “Mambo Itaiiano” LoGiudice about hiring stating the obvious: “It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.”

John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold viewed his future with trepidation: “If I retire everything will hurt and what doesn’t hurt won’t work.”

Fremantle

“Before I decide to take early retirement from my job, try staying at home for a week and watch daytime television.” Ross “No Longer The Boss” Lyon isn’t planning to go anywhere.

Geelong

“The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income. Chris ”Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott had the Geelong administrators wrapped around his fingers.

Gold Coast Bums

Comically, new kid on the block, Dean “Salmon” Solomon laughed off their shameful 115 points defeat foolishly entertaining: “It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.”

GWS (Geez! Which State?)

Sleepy head Leon “King of Leon” Cameron confessed: “At least I won’t have to set my alarm clock for you lot anymore!”

“The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own.”

Melbourne

Simon “Simon Says” Goodwin was optimistic: “My idea of night out is sleeping on the patio.”

North Melbourne

“When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” Brad “Beam Me Down Way Below Scotty” Scott is ticking in with a fighting chance.

Port Adelaide

Smarmy Port Adelaide chairman, David “Kochie” Koch insulted Ken “Kinky” Hinkley with the following about retiring: “Getting “lucky” means you remember where you left your car in the car park!”

Richmond

Damian “Hardly” Hardwick confusion may probably be his solution: “When I retire, it’s going to be bloody hard to be able to tell the difference.”

St Kilda

Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson made no bones about his own retirement plans: “I’ll be doing what I want when I want!”

Shitney

Reputation still intact, John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire does not even have to try:

“I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. I already do it three or four times a day.”

West Coast Eagles

Forever young, Adam “Go West!” Simpson anticipated with horror: “I’ll end up having more hairs in my ears and nose than on my head!”

Western Bulldogs

Touching his hand sequentially on to his forehead as he made the sign of the cross, Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge with his arms outstretched, clutching on to his holy bible and crucifix, drenched the Bulldogs administrators with holy water, then pontificated: “Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word.”

This has been a unforgettable ride for AFL season 2017.

It certainly did not disappoint, plenty of dramas, scandals, shame files and an end of a many splendoured era in this year’s football.

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV question what life would be like at at Pub With No Beer… I dread to think of it…

This coming Saturday history will be created when the town of Ballarat hosts its first ever VFL/AFL game.

Situated along the Midland Highway Wendouree, an outer suburb of Ballarat, Eureka Stadium will be the venue to be used.

Luckily for the locals they are not going to be treated to a dodgy match either, far from it.

Eureka stadium was built in 1990; the stadium has been used for many events such as the North Ballarat Cricket Club, as well as the annual Athletics Carnival.

The facility today is home of the North Ballarat Football Club of the Victorian Football League.

The match lined up between the Western Bulldogs and Port Adelaide is going to be absolutely massive.

The Bulldogs must win this game in order to keep their finals fairytale alive, avoiding the sporting critics in labeling them as a one premiership wonder, inevitably turning them back into pumpkins; whereas Port Adelaide much to our indignation are aiming to hold on to the top four spot on the almighty AFL ladder.

According to the Bureau of Meteorology earlier in the week, this particular match might be affected with snow; since then the blizzard conditions has been downgraded to light showers.

Perhaps if the other AFL clubs were given the opportunity to play a game in the historical town of Ballarat, what would be their pre-match warm up?

Grueling training schedule to acclimatize with the freezing conditions.

Motivational tutorials including podcasts from their perspective clubs.

“Camping with no beer, it’s just like sitting in the woods!” Chris “Beam Me Up Scotty” Scott tried to reason with the Bartender.

Gold Coast Bums

Another new kid on the block, Dean “Salmon” Solomon impresses his senior colleagues with his analogy of the golden syrup, advocating: “Beer does not make you fat! It makes you lean…against tables and walls.”

GWS (Geez! Which State?)

“I like my water with barley and hops, I’m not asking for a beer!” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron interrogated the bartender who was already threatening Leo off his premises.

Hawthorn

“I’m trying to save your ghost town from water shortages! You would be more environmentally sufficient if you served beer inside your stupid so called pub!” Analyzed Alistair “Big Mouth Strikes Again!” Clarkson.

“Don’t cry over your spilt milk Bradley! It could have easily been your beer!” Lectured his genetic code of his twin brother – Chris.

Port Adelaide

Trying to put his case forward, Ken “Kinky” Hinkley had this theory: “Beer is the answer, I can’t remember the question.”

Richmond

Elementary Damian “Hardly” Hardwick came up with the basics: “Dinosaurs had no beer. How did that work out?”

St Kilda

Poetically, Alan “You Can Call Me Al” Richardson professed: “Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust. When football is shit. A beer is a must!”

Shitney

John “Here’s Johnny” Longmire almost started a melee inside the pub with this bold statement: “I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I’m too busy to have a beer. I don’t give a shit!”

West Coast Eagles

Adam “Go West!” Simpson teaches the philosophy of the importance of being earnest to the already fed up bartender, educating: “Education is important, but beer is even more importanter!”

Western Bulldogs

Confirming from his Holiness, Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge pledged to the bartender that serving beer is not sinful preaching: “In Heaven there is no beer, that is why we are avowed to drink beer on God’s earth.”

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV have the AFL coaching fraternity looking over their shoulders as they ask who could be next to get the old heave ho…

As we have all predicted, the first axe has fallen at the Gold Coast Bums with Rodney “Rocket” Eade being sacked as a senior coach late Monday evening.

Former Essendon premiership player Dean “Salmon” Solomon is to take over for the Gold Coast Bums for the remainder of this season.

Bums chairman – Tony “Norman Gunston” Cochrane said that: The wins-loss ratio is not what we want it to be, not even close.”

Adding: “While there are difficult decisions to make, we need to focus on a future under a new senior coach.”

Chief executive – Mark “Shark” Evans admitted that Eade was clearly disappointed when he told him the news after the meeting, having called around Eade’s house where they shared a glass of wine or two.

Last drinks anyone?

Eade admitted that he would not have taken on the job in late 2014 had he know the true state of the club.

For example: off-field scandal, a wretched injury list, the departures of talented players and a trade request from star player – Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” Ablett Jnr.

Eade was told on Monday night that he would not have his contract renewed for 2018.

Regrettably, this is the sign of times in this cut throat sporting industry of ours, win and your in, lose and your well and truly screwed.

How would this lot react if they were given their marching orders?

Western Bulldogs

Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge had an accepting if not a distinguished approach: “I understand, it is now in God’s hands.”

“Yeah well, we’re gonna be short staffed today.” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron made certain he was indispensable to the executives of the club.

Shitney

John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire is no quitter: “I’m not fired! You’re fired!”

Our Italian Correspondents BYRD, CONTESSA MANSKI and UNCLE EV ask who is going to fill the shoes of the Football Operations Manager’s position. They have a unique way of applying to the position too…

Between now and at the end of the year, the AFL will have a new Football Operation Manager that was vacated due the scandalous circumstances by Simon “Lethal Weapons” Lethlean back in mid July of this year.

Expressions of interest closed last Monday for the position left vacant by the departure just over three weeks ago.

So what does the best candidate actually should be looking for?

The AFL has listed the selection criteria’s for the best candidate for the job.

Ensuring all AFL and AWL matches are delivered according to the rules and regulations.

Overseeing the delivery of National AFL Talent Programs to develop and support the best male and female players, coaches and umpires.

Overseeing AFL umpires to ensure the game is well officiated.

Leading a large high performance team including all of their portfolios.

AFLW

Player education and welfare.

Ground operations.

Laws of the game.

Match Review Panel and the AFL Tribunal.

Clearly, what seems to missing in this job description for the new football boss is on-field management of this sport.

What about guiding, nurturing, overseeing the game, demonstrating a vital interest in ensuring the game remains honest and true.

This is a job for someone with a serious interest to what the game should be and who has the guts and determination to take it there.

Potential successful applicants have already submitted their CV’s hoping for the top job.

Here is a glimpse of these fellas typical distinguishing characteristics and what job they should really be applying for.

Adelaide – Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke spends most of the day looking out the window.

The Pilot.

Brisbane – Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan is certainly not afraid of heights.

Wipeout the Tigers are renown to have cold feet when qualifying for the finals.

Mark our words!

Geelong

Patrick “Paddy” Dangerfield has been charged with engaging in rough conduct against Matthew “The Specialist” Kreuzer – Carlton during the third quarter this Saturday at the MCG.

Dangerfield can accept a one-match sanction with an early plea.

Summary: Either way play clean or Grand Final dream will be a total wipeout!

Not much can be said about Carlton this year, fielding in inexperience players, massive injury toll, lack lustered performance that frustrated not only the club but their die hard fans as well.

Summary: If the Blues slip even further from their current position on the almighty AFL ladder, Bolts along with his signature Cheshire cat grin along with his smooth talking won’t save him; it will be a wipeout in one of the most humiliating of circumstances.

Western Bulldogs

Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge is a man of strength; from resurrecting this club from the brink of death is truly remarkable. A revolutionary of all things impossible made possible.

John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold is truly a force to be reckoned with, the Bombers are blitzing through this season.

Summary: Wow! An incredible achievement considering that the this club was almost destroyed a couple of years ago.

Adelaide

Eddie “Superman” Betts has signed on an extension with the Crows until 2020, his supernatural ability to kick goals even when he’s not looking is truly phenomenal.

Summary: Like wow! Without question, Betts has metaphysical powers.

Taylor “Jailer” Adams – Collingmaguirewood has been charged with engaging in rough conduct against Rory “O’Lordy” Laird – Adelaide during the third quarter on Sunday at the MCG. Adams can accept a $1000 sanction with an early plea.

Summary: We conclude that Adams is a total wipeout along with Nathan “Sayonara” Buckley not forgetting Shitwood CEO – Gary “Puke” Pert as well.

Who’s next?…

West Coast Eagles

These fellas have been playing consistently throughout this season, Adam “Go West!” Simpson is pretty chuffed that his boys are still sitting pretty in the top eight.

Summary: The Eagles tenacity is wowing their club even without their star player Nic “Nic Nat” Natanui extended injury throughout this season.

What a shocker of a season for these lads, despite Chris “Reviewing The Situation” Fagan first season with this club, conclusively this has been an “Annus Horriblis.”

Fagan’s head could be on the chopping block.

Summary: The raspberry prize awaits, Mr. Fagan you would definitely want to wipeout this season and wipe the slate clean and start again, that’s if you’re still standing.

Perhaps these groovy psychedelic dudes can teach this lot how to get the groove and blow their cool back into AFL football.

The Australian Taxation Office has recently ruled that Australia’s millionaire athletes can funnel chunks of their earnings into low-tax trust funds.

The highest paid AFL stars, such as Nathan “Ferret” Fyfe, Lance “The Sheikh” Franklin as well as Gary “Gazza The Dazzler” Ablett Jr. can receive tax breaks of around $20,000 a year.

AFL players and other sports stars have won lucrative tax breaks for being famous so to speak, resulting in tens of thousands of dollars to the biggest stars.

Professional sports people will be eligible to cash in on their image, delivered by the Australian Tax Office.

The ATO has ruled the free kick is justified to compensate elite athletes for “exploitation of their “fame” and “image to promote their sport.

As for us poor punters, where is our long overdue tax break?

Oh wait a minute, current Australian Taxation Office analogy for the average Australian regardless of the mounting debt the Australian economy is facing:

The more hours you work = more taxes.

Lodging in your annual tax returns within the guidelines and the laws of the ATO.

Pay all your taxes within the due date of the ATO to avoid any penalties.

Anticipating a tax break just for some relief from all the other bloody taxes we all have to keep on paying.

Abiding the ATO law not deceiving it!

Totaling = Bugga all!

We are not earning squillions and quite simply we’re just not famous enough to meet the selection criteria according to the ATO.

Not so long ago, the ATO Deputy Commissioner – Michael “Cranky” Cranston was issued with a court attendance notice. As for his moronic son – Adam “Cretin” Cranston was arrested in one of Australia’s most entangled fraud investigation in which $165 million was stolen from the Australian Commonwealth.

So what did happen to the ATO corruption case?

First the scandal reared its ugly head in the media before being silenced faster than a speeding bullet?

Sports stars have got enough royalties through their endorsements; they don’t need an extra tax break.

Unbloodybelievable isn’t it?

Are the AFL stars really worth the tax break?

Adelaide

Don “Is Don…Is Good!” Pyke had his own theory about being truthful about his earnings: “Honesty is the best policy when there’s money in it.”

Essendon

Keeping it real, John “The Other Johnny!” Worsfold reminded his boys about the importance of saving a penny or two: “Don’t spend on all your health in search of wealth.”

Port Adelaide

Not too exactly sure if Ken “Kinky” Hinkley was referring to himself with this admission:

“A fool and his money get a lot of publicity.”

Western Bulldogs

Ever the loyal mentor; Luke “St. Luke” Beveridge enforced to his faithful followers the pitfalls of having too much wealth: “It is health that is real wealth not pieces of gold and silver.”

Shitney

Smug John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire made no bones about his stupidity as well as his prosperity: “I hate math’s but I do love counting my own money.”

Fremantle

Ross “ No Longer The Boss” Lyon wasn’t taking any chances, seeing that his wealth and job has been in question for quite some time, confessing: “Money is a matter of belief.”

GWS (Geez! Which State?)

“It’s safe for me to keep on making money from creativity.” Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron was all smiles; his motley crew is regrettably this year’s Grand Final contenders.

West Coast Eagles

Cautiously, Adam “Go West!” Simpson is being resourceful with his earnings, calculating: “Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think.”

Carlton

Brendon “Thor!” Bolton kept his wallet safely tucked away for the just in case scenario when it comes to job and financial security at this time of the year in this cut throat sporting organization: “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back!”

Another bombshell fell this week at the AFL Headquarters; the revelation was a lot more damaging as the stakes were even higher involving senior AFL officials in executive positions.

The two AFL officials, General Manager Of Football Operations – Simon “Lethal Weapons” Lethlean and General Manager of Commercial – Richard “Ricket” Simkiss had conducted “inappropriate” relationships.

They resigned from their positions on Thursday night.

The scandal comes a week after Ali “Brawler” Fahour, who had been the AFL’s diversity manager, quit after he was banned for life from playing football for punching an opponent, knocking him out cold during a match with the Northern Football League.

For McLachlan, coming to terms on Thursday that he would have no choice but to terminate not one but two senior executives as a result of in-house affairs.

On Friday morning, McLachlan was close to tears when he told staff that his football lieutenant Simon Lethlean was finished along with the newly appointed Commercial boss, Richard Simkiss.

Without question, this has been a very difficult few weeks for the AFL CEO – Gillon “The Guv’nor” McLachlan, not only was Lethlean a close friend, he was also his right hand man as the football boss.

Ironically, the dismissal of the two AFL executives comes as the AFL has still yet to finalize an upgraded respect and responsibility policy within the AFL industry.

During the urgent press conference that was held on Friday the 14th of July 2017 at 12:30pm, McLachlan emphasized the following: “The AFL I want to lead is a professional organization based on integrity, respect, care for each other and responsibility.”

Expanding: “We are committed to a process of change and I am confident that change is being seen across the industry.”

“The journey that we are on to a more equal and respectful workplace must be more than just two words. It must be backed up with action and change.”

What is the current formation of logistical thinking within the senior coaches given the tempestuous few weeks within the ALF administrators?

Is there really any admiration and appreciation given by the others in their own clubs?

Ken “Kinky” Hinkley awakened Brad’s memories from the culling he executed at the end of last season: “Bradley, that was the moment you lost all the respect, no surprise that the current ladder position is defining your future as a coach.”

Rodney “Rocket” Eade has been in this business for far too long, with his usual acuteness hitting the nail straight on the head, reiterated some home truth to Bucks: “Respect is earned, honesty is appreciated, trust is gained, loyalty is returned.”

Nathan “Definitely A Gonner” Buckley brushed Eade off with this statement: “I know I should be respecting your opinion but I find it difficult because you’re a bloody idiot!”

GWS (Geez! Which State?)

Leon “King Of Leon” Cameron vocation towards his brutes’ game playing with: “Some people won’t respect you until you become disrespectful.”

“Well then Leo, I guess that you are perfect as you are, with all your flaws and problems. There’s no need to change a thing.” John “Here’s Johnny!” Longmire settled.