They are both gonna pale in comparison to my Guilty Pleasures list. Its a musical masterpiece. Its all the songs you secretly love but never would admit. When you put your iTunes and shuffle and Celine Dion comes on at the party and you’re super embarrassed and everyone is making fun of you but they all quietly love it. All the songs that come on the radio when your mom is listening to Lite 106.7 but your foot starts tapping and you know all the words.

But thats the beauty of these jams. From Celine to Mariah, Backstreet to Spice Girls, we’re all guilty of them. So just admit it to yourself and blast this shit.

For me, commenting on Barstool is like banging a fat chick. At first you’re all like, “why would anyone do that?”, then it’s “alright, this will be my little secret”, and then before you know it, you’re getting road head on the way to Longhorn Steakhouse.

I’m proud to say I’m a cube monkey with a lot of hate inside of me. Whether it’s for fans of the Big Bang Theory, people who misuse the word “irony”, or most recently, Macklemore, I’m glad that I can let it out.

I want to shake things up a bit though. COTW shouldn’t be the California Penal Leagues anymore. I’m doing 8 comments of the week and the top 2 “do less” comments. And I’ll beat you all to what should be the top two comments on this post. What’s that? Already have the top two comments on a top comments blog? Well folks, that’s just Inception 101.

1) Scoop city? More like Poop Shitty!
2) The ironic part is that he needs to “do less”

I’d say over the course of the past 4 years that I’ve been working at Barstool, 75% of the emails I receive from Stoolies pertain to going to the bathroom at work. They just love to talk about shitting at work. So I figured the time has come to discuss it on MailTime. I give the people what they want.

And then we dive into the only area of Cube Life I have zero knowledge of, and thats the life of the Female Cube Monkey. The Cubette. I have legit no idea what life in the cage is like for you broads. Uncharted territory. But I’m willing to guess it fucking sucks for you chicks too.

From August: The number of people sickened in the “bloody diarrhea outbreak” in Maricopa County has reached 74 in the weeks after the outbreak, according to a county health department official. County health department workers believe the outbreak stems from E. coli at a Federico’s Mexican Food location. The department announced the outbreak on August 2, after 11 cases had been reported. A week later, that number was up to 52 people. Now, county health department spokeswoman Jeanene Fowler confirms 74 reported cases. Twenty-three of those people were hospitalized. The outbreak only came from one Federico’s location — the one in Litchfield Park — and health officials attribute it to a certain kind of E. coli bacteria: E. coli O157. That restaurant location voluntarily closed. According to a lawsuit filed on behalf of one of the people sickened, a man named Bryan Clayton ate at the location on July 27 and 29, and was subsequently hospitalized on August 1 with “grossly bloody bouts of diarrhea.” Clayton had chicken on both occasions, first in tacos, then in a burrito, according to the lawsuit.

Yesterday: Now that the dust has settled from the “bloody diarrhea outbreak,” Federico’s Mexican Food will be offering free burritos on Monday. You can get your burrito at only one location — the one where Maricopa County health officials believe an E. coli outbreak sickened 74 people, who ended up with the aforementioned bloody diarrhea. The company apparently hired the “Queen of Clean” — some sort of TV personality who cleans things — as a “cleaning consultant” for the restaurant. She’ll be there for her free burrito, too. She created a video explaining how she bleached the shit out of everything in the restaurant, so everything should be good now:

This is fucking dangerous territory for the world of Mexican restaurants. This sets a very precarious precedent for other franchises and chains. Like if you’re gonna start handing out free burritos every time someone has explosive diarrhea after eating Mexican, restaurants everywhere are gonna be taking a bath. Taco Bell would be out of business. They would just go ahead and cut the price of burritos in half because it essentially becomes a 2-for-1 situation. One burrito for diarrhea, one burrito free. And then the free one gives you diarrhea too so you get another free one? Its like Burrito Diarrhea Inception. May never have to pay for Mexican food ever again.

Bottom line is every time you eat Mexican you are risking your asshole’s safety. Whether its E Coli or otherwise, you’re risking bloody diarrhea. You should have to sign a waiver every time you eat it. Otherwise every Mexican place is gonna go out of business offering free food to make up for pooping.

I know the Pats were depleted, I know we benefitted from a couple dropped passes, and I know the rain in the second half made shit sloppy, but Rex and his defense did everything in their power to win that game last night. They held up their end last night. Held Tom Brady and the Pats in their building to just 9 first downs. 4-18 on 3rd, and just 232 yards of total offense. The only mishap defensively, which unfortunately proved to be the difference, was that busted coverage early on for a 40 yard TD. Other than that, the defense was relentless.

I’m not gonna sit here and beat my chest after losing a heinous game against a team that was running third stringers out there, but if we’re looking for a bright spot in last night’s game, it was watching Brady fail time and time again on 3rd down.

I’ll tell you what was NOT bright about that game – lets start with Special Teams, where we’ve just decided returning punts is for suckers. Fuck it. Revolutionizing the game. Just don’t even bother returning them. I can’t say I blame Kotwica or Rex. When the alternative is sending Kyle Wilson out there to either A) muff it or B) call fair catch with about 15 yards of room to run, there’s not much difference. Fuck returning punts. Revolutionary.

Geno in the second half. Woof. I don’t want to fully blame him, because he was hit with the KFC Mush. Last night I tweeted how he was out-playing Brady (which, up until then, he was) and like clockwork, literally 120 seconds of realtime later, he throws a pick. About 8 minutes of game time after that, his second INT, and 6 minutes after that, his third. Geno did some good things out there. Threw some legit balls. Made some big plays. Obviously also made some big time rookie mistakes. Took a handful of sacks, some of which he probably could have avoided. Under-threw some balls which resulted in turnovers. Also was the victim of some dropped passes too though. All in all, he looked like a rookie playing in his second game in a monsoon in New England.

Wasn’t too thrilled about play calling either. Chris Ivory was absolutely trucking his way through that game. Every time I looked up he was running hard and fast for another 5 yards. Then he completely disappeared for what seemed like an entire quarter. Its like as the rain came down and the game got sloppier they went away from the run. Completely backwards. There was some good old Ground and Pound going on and next thing I know they’ve got a rookie in bad weather in New England lofting the ball up there every time. Shoulda stuck with what was working.

Like I said yesterday, that game was house money. Its frustrating to know that we were one busted coverage play away from winning that game. Cut down just one or 2 of the turnovers and we’re probably winning that game. More than anything, it was just a missed opportunity to really build some momentum and start shocking the league. But obviously, theres a lot of work to be done.

Woof. Worst game I’ve watched since those debacles last year against the Cardinals and Jacksonville. Garbage wide receivers all over the place. Dropped passes all over the field. Pouring rain. Zero offense anywhere to be seen. Geno throws 3 second half picks, and the Jets are on the losing side of things.

All in all, a shitty night of football and a really shitty night to be a Jets fan. As opposed to all the other nights which are just normal shitty.

Absolutely nothing to lose for Geno and the Jets. Nobody expects a rookie quarterback to go up to New England and beat Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on their backyard. This is a year where every analyst, every outlet, everyone (myself included) expect the Jets to have a miserable year. The fact that we’re even being discussed and people are betting on the Jets to win outright is absurd.

Lose this game, and you’re a team rebuilding who just lost to one of the best QB/coach tandems in the history of football at home. Win this game and you’re 2-0, riding high, with a renewed sense of confidence. Rally the fanbase again, stick it in everyone’s face, and head into next week hosting Buffalo with a chance to be 3-0. Absolutely nothing to lose.

I’m not gonna sit here and guarantee victory Broadway Joe style. My favorite thing on Barstool used to be rallying the Jets fans with completely irrational confidence. Hype em up and ruffle some feathers and stir the pot before all their big matchups with New England. Well I’ve taken my medicine and swallowed my words too many times with this regime over the past couple years to come out here guns blazing. The last time we did this dance, I was excited for a chance to take on the Pats on Thanksgiving night on national TV and it ended up being the most embarrassing night in franchise history. So I’ve learned my lesson.

But here’s the facts of the matter – the Pats are banged up. Besides Julian Edelman I can’t even tell you who else is out there with Brady. No Amendola. No Vareen. Obviously none of the big names we’ve been used to in years past. He’s working with absolutely nothing. Its like looking at Shane Falco and the Replacements. And they didn’t practice this week, which I found pretty bizarre. By all accounts it sounds like one of their issues last week was timing. Factoring in 2 more injuries after the Buffalo game, and timing will only be more difficult. All that, and the Jets defense looked fucking sharp last week. Aside from basically one huge missed tackle on one drive, and allowing a TD after Geno fumbled inside his own 10, the Jets D looked tremendous.

At the end of the day, its a rookie quarterback coming off a mediocre performance against Brady and Belichick in New England. I’d be delusional to come out thinking the Jets are some sort of lock to win this game. Geno may be in way over his head tonight. And on New England’s side of things, if there’s one guy in the league who makes all stars out of nobodies, we know its Brady. But I’m just saying if the Jets defense plays up to their capabilities against the 2nd and 3rd string players New England is trotting out there, and the Jets don’t turn the ball over, it should be close.

I say a low scoring game. 17-10. Maybe 14-10. Just hoping Geno protects the football, and a couple breaks go our way to end up on the winning side of that score. As long as we don’t give up 35 points in 2 minutes and 14 seconds and put our heads inside each other’s assholes tonight, it should be an improvement from last year.

PS – the 12 point spread seems absolutely ridiculous to me. I get that the last 4 rookies going into Foxboro have lost by an average of like 28 points but given the circumstances that seems pretty outrageous to me.