Monday, July 2, 2012

A Modest Proposal To Prevent Voter Fraud

Bill,

Given the relentless series of adverse decisions Republican state legislators have suffered in their noble efforts to prevent the wave of voter fraud sweeping the country, I thought I'd give them a few suggestions on how to toughen up their efforts to insure that only those among us who really appreciate the nobility of democracy get to participate in the sacred ritual of voting. So in spirit of the Bill of Rights here are ten proposed requirements for eligibility to vote that will weed out the undeserving within the electorate.

1) Since those among us who pay taxes for the benefit of the moocher class shoulder an equal burden, we taxpayers ought to have the votes, and the system should be changed from man one vote to one vote for every tax dollar paid, just like the corporations do. After, "corporations are people are people too my friend". That way we one percenters, who after all pay 27% of the the federal income tax, will know we are getting our moneys' worth. If a non-taxpayer wants to vote then they can damn well pay us for it.

2) Since voting is right that should be defended to the death, any legal voter (see above) is free to challenge an unapproved voter to a duel with the weapons of their choosing. Former registrars of voters will preside. It will give them something to do now that open access registration is a thing of the past.

3) What made the country great is innovation. New voters will need to get a patent approved before their application to vote is accepted.

4) Since watching too much television makes you stupid, anyone who watches more than 10 hours of TV will be banned from voting. Unless they are watching commercials produced by Restore Our Future.

5) A thoroughly informed electorate is vital in a democracy. New voters will be required to answer at least 7 of the 10 questions from the previous week's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me news quiz.

6) Freedom of speech remains a cornerstone of of our great country. But how can a citizen really understand speech if they haven't given one? All new voters therefore will prepare a 20 minute oration on the Smoot Hawley Tarrif Act or other suitable topic.

8) The country is too fat. Any potential voter with a body surface area more than 10% above normal will need to lose at least 10 per cent of their body weight and maintain that weight loss for 6 months after the election.

9) Self reliance is a hallowed American value. Proven ability to a) grill your own hot dogs b) make your own beer c) build your own campfire or d) hire someone to do all these things for you will necessary for those seeking voting rights