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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Asshat SEO - You Can't Fix Stupid - Bad SEO Clients

I met a new bad SEO client in October 2012. Not only is he a bad SEO client, he is an asshat too. He out does the original (OG) asshat from a couple years ago. This guy really takes the cake, I mean he is the biggest a-hole on the planet. OG Asshat has got nuthin' on this guy.

He is used to push button SEO; thus he really screwed himself with purchased links. Unfortunately for production, during the sales process we included a clause that said "consultant and client agrees to X goal by X date. Consultant makes no guarantees but will put forth best effort to achieve these goals". The first sentence is all that matters, as far as he's concerned he is always doing his best and will make sure we do everything possible to increase his traffic by 10,000%. That's what our traffic estimator tool determined - 10,000% increase in potential for his keywords.

This guy makes my blood boil so I have to keep remembrances to a minimum. The first couple hiccups in the project went a little something like this.

In a matter of 2 weeks asshat said his team had finished all of our recommendations from a site review. We know that's impossible, but we went along with it so as not to alarm them of their stupidity. Also keep in mind this dream team had just completed a week long SEO course and swore they knew exactly what they were doing.

Apparently we went "along with it" too long and after telling them it wasn't actually completed, asshat blew up. He claims we took too long to check their work and if it took them 2 weeks to do everything why isn't their entire site reviewed and fixed in 4 weeks.

Hmmmm, I don't know asshat, maybe because you project is X amount of hours and not 100 hours? Maybe because I don't have to reply to your emails within 5 minutes. And maybe because you are not entitled to 8 hours of my day every day. I have other work - get over it. The irony is he is actually getting 3 times more work than he's paying for. I guess the squeaky asshat gets the SEO oil.