Saturday, March 21, 2015

Toilet evolution

A Flushing
Development

There is an
old saying that is as accurate today as it was the day I was born. I’m sure
you’re familiar. It goes like this – Toilets never change. That is so profound.
The author really had deep thoughts.

How true.
Toilets have always clogged, they still leak in weird places and the flapper
will eventually get stuck in the up position. No one knows why. Why has the
toilet not evolved along the way of many household appliances?

Stove tops
and ovens have changed a bunch. They’ve got ‘em with flat-surfaced non-burner
tops. You can get a microwave oven that cooks stuff by, uh, microwave. We’ve
had our borrowed microwave for a dozen years. The thing has a crack in the
back, but hasn’t fried the wall or counter top.

Recently, Kay and I bought an
induction single burner cooker. It’s a flat, black piece of something that
cooks by magnetism. You can stick your hand on that thing when it’s set on high
and you will not feel a thing. But you put a non-aluminum pan on it and it will
boil water before you can locate the lid to the pot.

I could mention
pens and computers and phones and TVs, but you get the point. Just in case you
forgot the point, go back to the part where I mentioned how toilets never
change… appreciably. Oh, you can get ‘em taller now. They call ‘em “comfort
height” toilets. Up until last week, all our toilets were “uncomfortable height.”
We recently had a new toilet installed and I went ahead and paid a few bucks
extra for the taller version. My feet no
longer go sleep when I nod off.

Other than
height, you have a choice of elongated or round seats. We’re a round seated
family. I don’t know why. Kay was going to explain it to me, but I had to stop
her. Some things you just need to accept.

You can get
a toilet seat that will occasionally slam down and wake everyone in a two mile radius;
or you can get the one that eases down. You’ve got to pay a little more for an
“ease-down” but it’s worth it.

You can get
a toilet that flushes when you wave at it; when you touch the top of it; or
when you simply walk away. Any walk-away-flusher I ever used had a mind of its
own. Those buddies flush when they feel like it.

But, these
toilet-related changes have nothing to do with the workings of the toilet. The
concept we use today is one discovered during the early Bronze Age. That being
– Water seeks its lowest level. -- So, when the toilet handle is pushed down,
the flap is pulled up by a chain, releasing water in the tank that is at a
higher level than that in the bowl. This forces the water in the bowl to exit
due to air pressure from the new water rushing in, and due to gravity. (See
Figure A) There’s usually a Figure A.

I think that’s how a toilet works. It
uses a lot of water, thus quadrupling the amount of contaminant. Very
inefficient. It is my intention to get scientists and entrepreneurs off their
posteriors so they’ll come up with a better waste disposal concept. We’ve
already got the technology.

During
cremation, your 100 to 250 pound body is turned into a pile of ashes that can
fit in a coffee can. If, instead of cremation, funeral homes disposed of your
body using the toilet concept, it would take about 2100 gallons of water to
flush you. That sounds like a lot, but we flush our body weight every six
weeks. I don’t know if that’s true, but it sure helps my argument.

We’ve got
lasers that will melt a hole through a four foot wide block of stone. Do you
think anyone could think of another way to use that much destructive force? How
many holes do we need in rocks?

What about
a microwave toilet? As soon as you stand up, lower the lid and set the microwave
flusher to medium for 25 seconds. (Caution: make sure you get up first.) The
microwave will either cause the stuff to evaporate, or will shrink it down to
pellet size. Pneumatic tubes like the banks have will then carry the pellets to
factories which will turn ‘em into shoe soles, tires and lawn chairs. And,
maybe Legos.

I realize
none of this is going to happen. Truth be told, most of us don’t even care.
Most of us never even think about toilets until we need one. Need one bad. As
long as a toilet flushes, we’re happy. But they’re not going to keep flushing.
No, they’re going to give out just like your toothbrush after a good sink
cleaning. Then where are you? You’re in a bind, both literally and
metaphorically.

The only
choice you have is between elongated and round. Between torture height and
comfort height. Handle flush vs touch flush vs hand-wave flush vs walk-away
flush. Still, you’re using two to three gallons for a simple wee.

Come on
America! Let’s get off our buns and demand a more efficient HWDP. (Human Waste
Disposing Process) Let’s make this a cause. Beat the Chinese to it. At least
beat the French. I don’t even want to talk about what those people do to their
toilets. It makes the round vs oblong toilet seat conversation suitable dinner
discussion.