They’re completely two-faced for one. They rub themselves up against your trousers without permission, then try and scratch at you when you attempt to stroke them.

I can get around this by simply never visiting anyone who owns a cat.Sadly though, they (the cats, now the owners) leave their house and shit in my garden.We’ve put down spikes in the dirt so they have nowhere to comfortably squat, and chicken wire around the fences to stop them climbing through, and still they get in somewhere.

All that pales into insignificance though, compared to the piss-taking wanker that seemingly wandered into my house this morning.No doors were open – it literally scaled a wall and climbed through a window.My girlfriend shooed it out, but it did make me wonder. At what point can you legally kill a cat that wanders into your house? Can I claim self-defence?

I’ve found that when visiting anyone with a dog, they inevitably ask “oh – are you alright with dogs?”Never do they ask “do you hate cats, by any chance?”They’ll offer to shut the poor dog in the kitchen, but will they nail the catflap shut while I’m there? No.As it goes, I’m fine with dogs. They’re mostly friendly, loyal, fun.When’s the last time you saw a cat on a TV show because it had saved it’s owner from otherwise-certain death? It’s never happened!Go on! Throw a stick for a cat! I bet you any money it won’t bring it back.When’s the last time a cat swam a long distance through shark-infested waters, and survived on a near-deserted island?

Dogs = better than cats. It’s pretty clear.

Cats are not deemed in law to be owned by anyone, as they’re not trainable in the same way as dogs. Many cat-lovers have badges proclaiming they are a slave to “Fluffy”, but they’re actually deadly serious.Also, if you run over a pet, different rules apply for dogs and cats. If it’s a dog, you must report your kill. If it’s a cat, you don’t have to, as they’re semi-wild animals.Given they’re not in any sense endangered, I wonder if I can legally kill this cat if it wanders into my kitchen again.It would seem not, as proven recently by lawyers.

If I knew who it belonged to, I’d seriously think about collecting it’s feces and putting it back in the owner’s garden.Other possible options to rid myself of this cat, include sleeping tablets and traps, and are very long winded.

A Crazy Fear of Prison

A while ago, an acquaintance of mine (I won’t describe him as a friend), asked to borrow a bag from me.He just wanted a normal holdall type bag to put some clothes and a laptop in, to visit a friend.He specifically didn’t want a laptop-style bag, as he didn’t want to advertise his electronics to muggers.

He borrowed a bag, and several days later I got it back.Rather than putting it away though, I’ve left it out for months, wondering what to do with it.You see, the acquaintance has been known to smoke weed on a fairly regular basis, and I’ve no idea if he transported any within my bag.I can’t see any, but I don’t own a sniffer dog to make doubly sure.A normal sane person would have dismissed it. What if he did? What’s it really matter?