Toxic relationship: Don’t ignore these 40 warnings signs!

Some relationships are good for us—they make our lives bigger, introduce us to new things, and help us grow into better versions of ourselves.

But then there are relationships that degrade us as individuals. Intentionally or unintentionally, our partners in these relationships hurt us and make us question our own sanity.

It’s an insidious and deep kind of deceit, one that is commonly known as “gaslighting”.

Gaslighting relationships, or “toxic relationships”, are those in which your partner—a friend, a co-worker, or even a spouse—manipulates you into believing that their problems and issues are caused by you.

So are you in a toxic relationship?

Here are 40 signs that you might be:

1) You Don’t Trust Yourself Anymore

Your choices seem to be wrong, and you have even begun to doubt the voices in your head. You have difficulty making decisions these days.

2) You Are Constantly Corrected

Regardless of the situation, your partner in this relationship thinks it’s their duty to correct every sentence you speak. You are constantly wrong.

3) Even Simple Choices Become Difficult

Let’s say you and this partner want to find a place to have lunch. You know how critical this person can be, so even a simple choice becomes a heavy task.

4) You Lie About Your Feelings

You and your partner have fought so often that you now know when a new fight is about to begin.

Instead of letting yourself fall into it, you lie about what you truly feel just to avoid the fight.

5) You Believe You Might Be Too Sensitive

Your partner has abused you so often that you start to question whether the issue is with you.

Are you too sensitive to their comments and their actions? Are you the one who needs to grow up?

6) You Are Called “Insane”

Most gaslighters use this card in a toxic relationship, because it’s one of the most effective ways to make you doubt yourself.

The more they call you insane, the more you start to doubt your own arguments.

7) They Turn Others Against You

In arguments, your partner will often invoke the authority of those you love and respect, such as family or friends. ‘

8) They Use Confusion

Gaslighters need to get you off your balance, which is why they always work towards confusing you during arguments.

They will be there in times of need, and then turn away from you in other times.

9) They Feed You Positivity From Time to Time

Just to keep you attached to them, your partner will make sure to feed you a bit of positivity from time to time. In fact, a common way to do this is through “love bombs”.

According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction…designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”

Even if your relationship is overall a negative one, this rare positivity will convince you that it can get better.

10) They Drain Your Energy

A toxic partner sucks the life out of you little by little. Maybe with hurtful comments, slight nudges, comments that take away your confidence.

Just small enough that you can never complain about them.

11) They Deny Even When You Call Them Out

There are times when you will win the argument against your toxic partner, simply because you have the evidence to prove them wrong.

But even in the face of complete evidence, they will still deny it with all their heart.

12) You Will Excuse Them

There will be times when people around you notice your partner’s toxic and vicious behavior, but for some reason you will still do everything in your power to make excuses for them, at times even blaming yourself.

13) You Apologize Often

A gaslighter knows how to make you feel guilty for everything you do, which is why you will often find yourself apologizing for things you have no reason to be sorry about.

14) Your Partner Plays the Victim Card

You often let your toxic partner give you whatever they’ve got, but there are times when you stand up for yourself and criticize them for their behavior.

In these cases, they will then play the victim card and blame you for their own actions.

15) You Are Always On Your Guard

In everything you do and say, you always make sure to keep everything perfect.

You can’t share your true thoughts and feelings and you are forced to walk on eggshells all day long when around your partner.

16) You Are Filled With Insecurity

Because of your constant squabbling with your partner, you have nothing but insecurity inside of you. You’re experiencing relationship anxiety.

You are unsure of everything about yourself, from the way you look to your most inner and private thoughts. Nothing is safe from your partner.

17) They Don’t Back Up Their Threats

During arguments, your partner will say absolutely awful things to you. These threats and statements mean nothing, however, because they never actually follow up on anything they say they might do.

18) They Hit You Where It Hurts

Your partner will generally be intimately familiar with things that you hold close to your hearts.

These might be hopes, dreams, or even insecurities, and they will use this knowledge to get an advantage over you. They will attack you where it hurts most, to make sure you don’t even

19) They Will Lie To Your Face

We all tell small, innocent, white lies from time to time, but an abusive, gaslighting partner?

They’re not afraid to tell you giant, obvious lies, straight to your face.

Because to them it’s more than just a lie—it’s an assertion of power, and they want you to know it’s a lie but accept it anyway.

20) You Always Seek Acceptance From Them

And the reason why you can’t leave your gaslighter is because you have been manipulated into believing you need them in your life.

You constantly work to improve the relationship, believing all it takes is better behavior on your part to make your partner become a better person.

21) You’re Giving More Than You Get

You’re constantly expending energy trying to please your partner, but they’re not doing the same for you.

In the end, you feel emotionally drained because the resulting energy of the relationship is negative, not positive.

22) There’s No Trust

You can’t trust anything they do or say. If they say they’re going out with their friends, you can’t be sure of what they’re exactly doing.

For all you know, they could be having a secret relationship on the side.

And of course, without trust, a relationship simply can’t grow. Your mind won’t stop wandering in all directions about what they’re doing behind your back.

1) Get the help you need when you need it.

If you have just gotten out of a toxic relationship, you need to find someone who can help build you back up.

Whether you seek out professional help or your best friend fills the void, it’s important that you have someone you can lean on.

Professionals and even friends can help you see things from a different perspective and provide you with a sounding board so that you can get clear on the fact that none of what transpired was your fault.

It’s easy to blame ourselves for things falling apart, but when you are the victim of a toxic partner, you are never to blame.

2) Get your thoughts out.

Take time to write down what you are thinking and feeling so that you can make sense of how you are processing the events of your breakup.

Make sure you are going easy on yourself and reminding yourself that you are not at fault. Journaling can help you reconcile feelings and thoughts that are holding you back from moving forward.

It’s hard to imagine moving on when you are hurting so much, but it’s important to process your worth and how you want to change things in your life.

When you write, you benefit from cathartic activities and a chance to organize your thoughts and make a plan for your next move.

3) Decide to be good to yourself.

Above all else, it’s important that you take time to care for yourself.

After leaving a toxic relationship, you need time to normalize again and realize that toxic relationships are not the norm and that you have a right to be happy.

You don’t need to be beaten down, figurately and literally in order for someone to love you.

You can be happy all your own. It’s a decision you need to make. You can decide to be happy and move on with your life, or you can decide to mourn a relationship that wasn’t good for you in the first place.

It’s better to choose yourself over someone else in these circumstances.

4) Bring joy into your life.

Whatever may come, you need to find joy in your life again. Take a road trip, hang out with a good friend, do something nice for yourself.

As part of loving yourself again after leaving a toxic relationship, you need to revisit what makes you happy.

Do more of what makes you happy and let the joy back into your life. You’ll tell yourself that don’t deserve to be happy or that you can’t live without someone, despite them being really mean to you.

Ask yourself what you used to do, what you used to like, what used to make you happy and pay attention to those things.

Redirect your focus away from things that take your joy and refocus yourself in directions that are importnat to you.

5) Commit to seeing it through.

Regardless of how you feel, you need to commit to doing what is best for you.

It might feel easier to just go back to your toxic relationship, but the truth is that it’s being uncomfortable to see it through.

It’s just your old thoughts and ways that are dragging you back into that relationship and you can overpower them and move on with your life.

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In 2018, the third year of Hack Spirit, I poured thousands of hours and considerable resources into creating these articles. It's a labor of love and remains free thanks to your patronage. If you found any value in these articles, please consider supporting what I do with a donation. Your support is what helps me to continue creating more Hack Spirit articles. To make a donation, select the amount and click the "donate" button below.

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a more mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you to want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.