Nothing embodies what I love more about shitty movies than the Nicolas Cage remake of The Wicker Man. It has apparently taken on cult status at this point for it’s unintentional comedic value. Good job, cults, you were spot on this time.

This movie took a bold and controversial stand, and finally dared to ask “can punching women be funny?” The answer, a shocking yes:

The highlight of these highlights being Nicolas Cage punching a woman while wearing a bear suit. A close second being when he jump-kicks Leelee Sobieski, Helen Hunt’s creepy childlike doppleganger, straight in the neck. For third, I nominate the scene where he pulls a gun on an unarmed woman, jacks her bicycle and rides it off into the horizon, his tie flapping defiantly in the breeze like a silken middle finger tied to his neck. The entire movie is like this…they should’ve pitched this as “what if Ike Turner visited Fantasy Island?”

Cage: Where my dinner, bitch?

Listen, Mr. Cage. I think you have found your medium here. I know, I know, you really wanted to be famous for Superhero movies, it was a childhood dream of yours. Well, my childhood dream was to be an astronaut, but apparently “the ability to make dick jokes about the 1980’s” is not an oft-used skillset in outer space, just like “bike-jacking Amish women,” is not a staple of super-heroism. We both have to suck it up here and use what we got, Mr. Cage. We will do the world a service at the expense of our idyllic futures. You can continue hilariously beating women and I will continue thinking up synonyms for penis, but secretly, Mr. cage, secretly you and I shall dream of space travel and capes…together.