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Last edited by TakaJun on September 18th, 2008, 8:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Preface: Since it was hard for me to determine clearly where scenes were changing, I've just included a list of my choices (these are the lines prefaced with "->") and when I made them. Occasionally I've also included some reference guiders, when they were obvious and I remembered to include them. These guides are given in brackets. Additionally, occasionally during text I got lazy and didn't type the full line. In these cases I used "[...]" to indicate that these were ellipses indicating omission, rather than a part of the actual text. In the suggested changes, the differing words, phrases, punctuation, etc. are offset with underscores. Duplicated reports have been struck out, except where an alternate suggestion is being made.

Recurring issues:Ellipses: Technically, periods must either come in sets of one (a period), or multiples of three (ellipses). Occasionally four is allowed, but that's rare, and typically only for quotations with multiple sentences of omitted text. That being said, often in the script you guys will have groups of two, or five, or some other number. I documented most of the noticeable ones, but after six periods they sort of blur together and I wouldn't notice even if there were mistakes. If this is important to you, just do a simple "find/replace" to get the numbers right. If not feel free to ignore them. It's only really odd when things are asymmetrical like [six](word)[five], but even then it's not too bad.

Parentheses: While I'm not always completely sure how punctuation and parentheses are supposed to work together, I follow the general rule that if the parenthetical statement is part of a larger sentence, the punctuation goes outside the parentheses. If the whole sentence is parenthetical, then I put the punctuation inside. In either case, outside or inside, parenthetical sentences do need to be punctuated, and so far that I've seen you neglect the punctuation in these sentences. For instance, the following sentence should have a period somewhere. (This would be an example)

The boring details out of the way, now for the bulk of the report:
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Line: ..I'm not bragging or anything, but I'm good at relating to people.
Problem: ellipsis. "..."

->Central Street->What's good about pets?
Line: I'm sure it's fun, since it's like having another family member if you can form a good relationship, like Kana and her pet cat, Kuu has.
Problem: punctuation, agreement. Kuu is a parenthetical, elaborating on her pet cat, and needs to be fully offset. Multiple subjects require the verb to take the plural form. (consider it as if it said, "like 'they' have")
Solution: "like Kana and her pet cat, Kuu_, have_."

Line: "That's a question out of the blue"Problem: punctuation. "out of the blue_._"

-> I don't know about that
Line: "Even if I did get a pet, I don't know if we'll get along perfectly like you two."
Problem: tense. This is a hypothetical, so he should use the conditional. "if I did get a pet, I don't know if _we'd_ get"

-> Stop browsing.
Line: This place allows pets, so I can go buy one right now if I wanted to.
Problem: conditional "so I _could_ go"

Line: By the time I finish making my students' homework and have finished on my own homework, it's dark outside.
Problem: awkward, tense consistency, extra words
Suggest: "By the time I finish making my students' homework and finish working on my own, it's dark outside."

Line: ...At first, I thought it was just some old clothes that are thrown away.
Problem: tense. Consistently past, as noted by 'thought' and 'was'. "old clothes that _were_ thrown away"

Line: Not many people go out at night in this rain, and even if someone does see the dog, nobody is crazy enough to take care of a stray dog that isn't moving.
Problem: hypothetical. use conditional "even if someone _were to_ see the dog, nobody _would be_ crazy enough"

Line: The garbage collector would come tomorrow morning and call the animal shelter for the dog to be taken away, alive or not.
Problem: tense. 'Would' suggests something is going to happen to alter that, and at this point, his internal monologue has clearly identified that nothing will change the situation. The future tense should be used to reflect this certainty. "The garbage collector _will_ come"

-> Leave
Line: I cut off the lingering affection and leave.
Problem: As it is, it sounds slightly awkward to use the definite article, consider the alternate phrase. "cut off _any_ lingering"

Line: I don't know why I did such a stupid thing to walk into this troubling mess.
Problem: missing word. "such a stupid thing _as_ to walk"

Line: But she must be still be in a daze, with her eyes opening and closing, drifting in and out of conciousness.
Problem: extra word. "_must still_ be in a daze"
Problem: misspelling. "consciousness"

Line: I hear the sounds of dogs and the footsteps of boots coming from the back door.
Problem: awkward. "the sounds of dogs and _booted footsteps_ coming from"

Line: She looks surprised, but she sees off Kotarou with a hint of happiness.
Problem: phrasing. Usually you 'see someone off', not 'see off someone'. "she sees _Kotarou off_ with a"

-> She's commendable
[owner]
Line: I hear she has to take trains and buses to get here, so we're going to meet at Pet Shop Mochizuki since the it's by the train and the bus station.
Problem: extra words. plural "Mochizuki _since it's_ by the train _and bus stations_."

Line: "Hold on! Wait a sec! You said you'll call before you get here!"
Problem: tense. past-conditional "You said _you'd_ call before you _got_ here!"

Line: "U-um....."
Problem: ellipsis. "U-um..._..._"

Line: "......Yes....."
Problem: ellipsis "......Yes..._..._"

Line: "How is it compared to Misa-chan? Does it taste good?"
Problem: possessive. "compared to _Misa-chan's_?"

Line: "For anthropoid animals, the popular ones are the ones where you put on your wrist."
Problem: (context: leash) missing word. "where you put _it_ on your wrist." and probably even "where you put _it_ on _their_ wrist."

Line: Not many people are able to care for a pet when suddenly faced with the death of her sister.
Problem: agreement. Sister matches 'people' not 'pet', so the pronoun should too "faced with the death of _their_ sister"

Line: We pass through the green arcs of the park and head to the cemetery.
Problem: word 'Arc' refers to a part of a curve or circle, while 'arch' refers to a structure. "the green _arches_ of the park"

Line: It would look beautiful in the daytime with light passing through the arcs.
Problem: word. "arches"

-> Station
Line: We come to street in front of the station.
Problem: missing word. "We come to _the_ street"

Line: I should be careful not to get too close to her, but shouldn't ignore her so much that she gets hurt.
Problem: missing word. "but _I_ shouldn't"

Line: "Um... The contract with one of my students ends next month, so there' s space after that..."
Problem: extra space. "there's"

[Revisiting past choices]
-> She's smart
Line: There are many different kinds of pets, a special case being one like Kuu who is similar to humans.
Problem: awkward phrase
Suggest: "There are many different kinds of pets. Kuu, who is similar to humans, is a special case."

-> She's cute (also in the other two branches)
Line: "It's commendable. Her apppearance and the way she does her job."
Problem: typo "appearance"

-> Rules and regulations
Line: (Anyone who violates these laws will be punished)
Problem: Punctuation. "punished_._)"

-> caring for them
Line: [...]people tend to be more attached to dogs that they trained themselves.
Problem: tense. Since this is present tense narrated (as evidences by 'tend') should use the perfect tense, rather than full blown past tense. "that they _have_ trained themselves."

-> sizes
Line: But for people who can handle the dog's vigor, and has a relatively large yard...
Problem: agreement. 'People' is the subject "and _have_ a"

Line: [...] "Siberian biter", who often become [...]
Problem: capitalization. All other breeds are consistently capital. "Siberian _Biter_"

-> History
Line: There are ones that live with humans, ones that live away from humans, but...
Problem: missing word, odd? "live with _humans and ones_ that"

You don't really have to post corrections for obvious errors, especially if you say what the error is.

Balcerzak wrote:Recurring issues:Ellipses: Technically, periods must either come in sets of one (a period), or multiples of three (ellipses). Occasionally four is allowed, but that's rare, and typically only for quotations with multiple sentences of omitted text. That being said, often in the script you guys will have groups of two, or five, or some other number.

That's just my sloppy typing... Sorry, I'll try to be more careful with that. And it'll be great if you can report these.

I guess it can't be helped. I'll use a map.
Yuuichi said he has a map just before that. No need to restate the 'a map' again.
Fix: I'll use the map
or I'll use my map

They are still a dog, even if they can talk and are sensitive.
Fix: They are still dogs

"No, I'm here for optional training. I haven't worked for a while, so I got my lady's permission."
I'm too lazy to check the original line right now, but if the original was about exercising and not his job, 'working out' is the expression.
Fix: worked out

"Donno."
The short for 'I don't know' is usually written as 'dunno'.
Fix: Dunno.

Also, asceai's typo, if you didn't catch it when you changed the script. See his post above yours.

*Note: Italicized is optional, but then again its up to you guys how you want to correct it.

FINISHED

April 6 (Thu)

Line: Kana: "Oh, I just thought that it was about time that your lesson should be ending"

Problem: Missing period

Line: Kana: "(Shut up! We're full of energy and are still growing!)"

Problem: Sounds funny. Remove the 'are'.

Correction: "(Shut up! We're full of energy and still growing!)"

Line: Kuu: "You really are popular."

Problem: Could be changed into You're, remove the are.

Correction: "You're really popular."

Line: Yuuichi: At first, she was coming to help around the house since I'm taking care of her former pet dog, but...

Problem: Tense, should be past. And I believe that Mikan belonged to Misa, not Risa, so it should be stated that it was her sister's dog (since Yuuichi is describing Risa in this line). It would also be optional to remind everyone that Misa is dead, so you could put deceased before her sister. See below.

Correction: At first, she was coming to help around the house since I was taking care of her deceased sister's pet dog, but...

Line: Yuuichi: [...] and the friends (Kana and Kuu) that often come here. Along with transportation she can use for free if she asks.

Correction: I'm testing Mikan on her upcoming test for her "light duty workdog" license.
OR
Correction: I'm testing Mikan for her upcoming test on her "light duty workdog" license.

April 12

Line: I'll pay Kuu's bill for now, and I'll have Mutsuki-san pay me when I go tutor her at place next time.

Problem: Repetitive I'll, remove the second one. Also, the line "tutor her at place". Missing "my" or "her", I'm not sure which one it is.

Correction: I'll pay Kuu's bill for now, and have Mutsuki-san pay me when I go tutor her at my place next time.
OR
Correction: I'll pay Kuu's bill for now, and have Mutsuki-san pay me when I go tutor her at her place next time.

Line: Risa: "But...This is how it is?"

Problem: Awkward order.

Correction: "But ... Is this how it is?"

Line: Yuuichi: If an animal has the form of a person, then "that place" also has the form of a person's

Problem: Not really a problem, but you could replace person with human instead, and add too at the end.

Correction: If an animal has the form of a human, then "that place" also has the form of a human's too.

April 13

Line: Yuuichi: In it is stir fried chiken, bitter melon, and some unknown ingredients, enough for about one-and-a-half people.

Problem: Chiken? Chicken?

Correction: In it is stir fried chicken, bitter melon, and some unknown ingredients, enough for about one-and-a-half people.

Line: Yuuichi: "You're at school during that time, so I'll go with Mikan."

Problem: Yuuichi is talking in future tense, so "You're" should be changed to "You'll be".

Correction: "You'll be at school during that time, so I'll go with Mikan."

April 18

Line: Yuuichi: Mikan is smiling and wagging her tail the whole time.

Problem: Wording is funny, the tense should maybe be changed as below.

Correction: Mikan smiles and wags her tail the entire time.

Scenario Problem: After Mikan gets her license, Yuichii tells her to buy items from the supermarket, specifically, 300 grams of ground meat, and 3 horse mackerels. When Mikan comes back however, Yuuichi says that she brought back 315 grams of ground meat. If you choose to check on Mikan after she goes to the supermarket, the clerk does indeed give her a 300 gram ground meat package (out of a choice of 150, 300, and 450). Why does Yuuichi then say it was 315 grams of meat instead of 300?

Possible Correction: Unless it was intended (maybe its like my supermarket, usually meat gets packaged to the nearest 100 grams (ex 97g, 106g) then priced depending on how much was packaged) Yuuichi's 315 should be changed to 300. Otherwise, its ok I guess.

EYES OF RISA, EYES OF KUU etc.
I know these are literally used in the original text, but it feels a little odd. "RISA'S PERSPECTIVE" or something like that might make it a little more obvious that we're talking about a POV change. Even "RISA'S EYES" might be better.

"Oh, but is this for Gouda-san? She's a frequest customer, so she'll probably complain again if we tell her we don't carry it."
frequest => frequent
is this => this is

"She wasn't the one who originally bred the dogs; she had a good professional trainer do it for her"
Missing period.

I make Mikan get on all fours and check out her condition from her back.
her back => behind

I think there's some confusion with Dog Plates and Dog Bowls during the first scene in the new patch (4/22) - first Seika orders two Bowls for normal dogs and Kaie orders one Plate for himself, but later they get two Plates for dogs and one Bowl for Kaie - bowls got switched with plates.

4/23:
Kotarou and Mikan are taking a walk with the dogs at Mochizuki.
Problem: It's the Mochizuki dogs, but they're walking on the street; thus perhaps it should read: Kotarou and Mikan are taking a walk with the dogs from Mochizuki.

Kainti wrote:I think there's some confusion with Dog Plates and Dog Bowls during the first scene in the new patch (4/22) - first Seika orders two Bowls for normal dogs and Kaie orders one Plate for himself, but later they get two Plates for dogs and one Bowl for Kaie - bowls got switched with plates.

Yeah, this was a mistake present in the original Japanese text. I thought about changing it, but decided to keep it since that's what the voice says.

Line: Yuuichi: "I'll keep it as collateral, so you have to repay the money along with the interest if you want to lose your virginity. Once you finish paying me off, you can give your virginity to anyone you like."

Possible Problem: I believe that Yuuichi means that Risa should continue to pay him so that she can keep her virginity, since the next line supports it.

Correction: "I'll keep it as collateral, so you have to repay the money along with the interest if you want to keep your virginity."

Line: Yuuichi: "Well, you can repay me at your own pace, but make sure you repay me if you want to lose your virginity."

Possible Problem: This line follows after the one above. Conflicting issue, I believe its keep instead of lose.

Correction: "Well, you can repay me at your own pace, but make sure you repay me if you want to keep your virginity."

Line: Nadeshiko: "I'll need Mikan-chan help too."

Problem: Needs to be plural.

Correction: "I'll need Mikan-chan's help too."

Line: Nadeshiko: "I wouldn't have sold her the dog if I knew she's like that."

Problem: The wording is awkward.

Correction: "I wouldn't have sold her the dog if I had known she was like that."