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6.22.2014

Chairman Mauer Vanquishes All Enemies

Puckettsburgh, Twins Territory--

The great and honorable Chairman Joseph Mauer has reclaimed his honorable place as the most powerful and dominant hitter of all Twins Territory. Mauer, the bringer of light, basher of doubles, vanquisher of enemies and foe of all obviously-over-hyped-home-runs-because-come-on-it's-more-impressive-to-just-have-a-high-on-base-percentage-anyway, has reminded all loyal subjects of his greatness through repeated trouncings of the vile and terrible White Socked Warriors who despoil Twins Territory with their cowardice and violent history.

"[The chairman] has been going real good there," stated Twins Territory Strategist-in-Chief Ron Gardenhire. "He has [rescued all our hearts from the blackness of the Chicago-land pinstripes of despair and hopelessness and] hit [on the ideal system of leadership to elevate our citizenry to the heights of delirious heaven, while also destroying the capitalist, bourgeois]...ball well."

With his repeated doubles, the Chairman has rescued his loyal lieutenants from the risk of abandonment and estrangement far from home.

While many diabolical foreign news outlets and undesirable subversives within Twins Territory have raised questions about our divinely be-sideburned Chairman's fitness and skill this year, these games have put such qualms to rest. As Minister for Excitement, Ricky Nolasco said: "Mauer is the best! All hail Mauer!! His hits are like thunderclaps, and his walks are like lightning, and his defense is like balls of hail made of adorable kittens and puppies!!! It's the best!!! Also...I AM good at pitching!!"

Even newly defected Kendrys Morales has accepted the truth of our Chairman's greatness into his heart. "What the hell are you talking about?" he said, before a week of re-education. Then he concluded his statement. "The chairman is the reason for my being here, and as long as I am in service to his greatness, all things shall be well. Woe unto those who doubt the chairman."

In other news, Chairman Mauer has devised a method for ensuring the safety of all people from the recent abundance of rain he has graced us with, by expanding the Target Fortress sustainable water system throughout the entirety of Twins Territory we shall have water for all dry seasons while our enemies die of thirst, drought and the oncoming plague of frog-locusts, scheduled for whenever the Chairman feels like beginning it.

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