Don’t You Just Hate Going To The Dentist?

I like to believe that I maintain a serene nature. If I don’t like something, I choose to stay away from it and refuse to talk about it in a negative manner. However, there are three things in this world that I truly despise. I don’t like to hate anything, because I believe I have no reason to assign a vast amount of negative energy to any one thing, person or entity. But these three things have given me reason to want to expunge them or the idea of them, from utter existence.

Bees – I’m too angry to rationalize or look up their importance within the ecosystem, but I’d wipe these motherfuckers off the face of this planet. Stay in your lane, bees. If I’m not bothering you, stay the fuck away from me!!! I still remember when one of your brethren decided to back his ass up into my finger. I didn’t even do anything. I was just innocently sitting outside, playing with my bootleg Power Ranger. Grrrrr.

The Asshole That Can’t Agree To Disagree – I have my own beliefs. I have my own opinions. I like what I like. I can make a reasonable argument about these three issues, but I also realize that other people have their own beliefs, opinions and loves. I can’t and will not attempt to change one’s perceptions, but I will offer my point of view and why I believe or love what I do. I feel that we don’t all have to believe, think and love the same things in order to co-exist; we just need to understand one another’s differences. So why are there still people out here trying to force their religion, political views and lifestyle down our throats? I think the next time I come across one of these hideous inbreeds, I’m going to take George Carlin’s advice, and when some asshole says, “I have a right to my opinion,” I’ll respond with Carlin’s rebuttal: “Oh, yeah? Well, I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion is you have no right to your opinion.” But instead of simply shooting the person dead, I think I’ll just kidnap them, tie them up and fart in their face until they pass out.

The Dentist – I’ve never had a cavity. I’ve never had a serious dental procedure done. In fact, the biggest complaint that I’ve gotten was about a little plaque. I take this shit seriously. A simple dental cleaning is the most torturous course of action that I have ever endured. I’ll admit it, I’ve cried. There’s no shame in it. I’ll tell you this, though, I bet you’ve also shitted your pants at the sight of those needles or power drills. I’ll be honest, I’d rather go blind. I go to the optometrist and if something’s wrong, he hands me a pair new glasses. I go to the dentist and if something’s wrong, he sticks a seven-inch syringe into my gums, before he begins ripping teeth out of my jawbone. To all dentists: I hope you all swallow razor blades and you lose all your money.

For the most part, I can avoid two of the three things I hate, but I can’t avoid the dentist. It’s recommended you get a checkup every six months. I try to avoid these things as best as possible, and yet, it would be bad for my dental health. I knew I was due for my next checkup soon, but I consciously made an effort to ignore it. That is until Mother Minimum Wage had her way.

As you can see, mother knows best. Still, I hate the dentist. I hate the office; I hate their willingness to bring me back for my next appointment after I’ve been practically face-fucked by sharp and irritating utensils. I hate that when you gargle they only give you so much water to use. And what the fuck is the deal with that suction tube? Is it to prevent me from spitting in your face when you jam sharp objects into my gums, because you were too busy chatting it up with your assistant? Well, guess what? I could still bite you, motherfucker!!! (I’ve bitten a dentist before, and I was proud of it.)

I’m going to my dentist appointment tomorrow. Not because my mother is making me. Not because I’m supposed to. I’m going, because I’m too broke to not take care of my teeth. Do you know how much a root canal costs?

Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage

My father came, my mother saw...and I conquered. I encourage children to do drugs, I buy alcohol for teenagers, and I drink beer with the homeless. In my spare time, I attend art galleries for the FREE booze, I rub elbows with modish elephants, and I hammer six-inch nails into small penises. Stuart knighted me as Broke-Ass King of New York. You've been warned.

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