Brett Davis and Bill Rogan will update you almost every week on the sports stories making headlines. They will also reveal the information that the standard sports media leaves out. TWIS can be heard on the Sunday night show before being posted here.

This Week In Sport…7-8-12

Ted Potter Junior won the Greenbrier Classic today in West Virginia, his first PGA Tour win. In addition to the million dollar cash prize, Potter Junior will get a coonskin cap and road kill jerky.

Roger Federer won his 7th Wimbledon title, tying him with Pete Sampras for most Wimbledon wins. When asked for comment, Sampras said, “Really? Hey, that’s great. But like the rest of America , I really don’t give a rat’s ass.”

Carmelo Anthony and former Knicks head coach Mike D’Antoni buried the hatchet. Anthony will be playing for team USA in the Olympics and D’Antoni is an assistant. The meeting went well. Anthony said, “I told Coach D that so long I get my shots, don’t have to pass the ball and play defense when I damn well please, we’ll get along.”

Red Sox DH David Ortiz said he was embarrassed and humiliated by this past offseason’s contract negotiations which resulted in Ortiz making 14.5 million dollars this year. In this case, DH doesn’t stand for Designated Hitter.

Joey Chestnutt made America proud this past Wednesday by winning his 6th Mustard Belt, downing a world record 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes to capture the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating championship. An hour later, Chestnutt set another, impressive, but lesser known world record….most massive explosion ever in a port-a-potty.

Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was arrested by police outside a Houston nightclub. It took three officers to subdue him. Good to see A.D. is progressing well from his off-season knee surgery.

Steve Nash worked a trade to go to the Lakers. Nash will get 25-million over 3-seasons. Nuggets guard Andre Miller weighed in by saying, “Why would the Lakers sign a 38-year old point guard. Makes no sense to me.”

A female player on the United States national soccer team came out and said she was gay. Gee, a female athlete saying she is a lesbian. You don’t hear that every day. Every other day yes, but not every day.

Boise State and San Diego State will join the Big East for football beginning in the 2013 season. Both schools also announced that they are dropping their geography departments.

This Week In Sport 6-24-12 (No Brett again)
Ladanian Tomlinson said that he was thinking of joining the Broncos but instead decided to retire. Peyton Manning said, “Good. HHe’s too old and fragile.”

The European Soccer Championship continues…ironically in Europe . Today Italy knocked out England on penalty kicks…which is like holding a home run derby for a baseball game tied after 10 innings.

While much of the world is riveted by the Euro Soccer Championship, one person not remotely interested is the Turf’s Casey Bloyer. Casey said soccer, quote, “makes me embarrassed to be a human.”

Rams quarterback Sam Bradford donated 500-thousand dollars to his alma mater, Oklahoma . The former Sooner said, “they gave me so many payouts while I was in school, time to return the favor.”

A man, with a Yankees tattoo on his forehead was arrested in Arizona for shooting a man in the back. Carlos Sturgis praised the police after getting caught, saying, “Man, I don’t know how they found me…but they did.” The police did get a tip from a woman who said, “He was average size, about 5’9, 150 pounds, early 20’s...dark hair I recall…rather average looking…oh, and yeah, the dumbass had a hideous Yankees tattoo right between his eyes!”

Lebron James and his mom, Gloria, partied well into the night, celebrating the Heat’s NBA title. Meanwhile, Delonte West waited back at the hotel.

The NHL held their draft this week and it was as exciting as watching armadillo’s fornicate. Casey Bloyer weighed in again and said, “Well, it’s still better than soccer.”

THIS WEEK IN....SPORT! 6-10-12 (No Brett this week)

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is going to be a dad as his wife is expecting a baby boy. Married life apparently agrees with Big Ben who no longer has to molest coeds in the bathrooms of seedy bars to get some action.

Peyton Manning has finally found a place to live. He’ll reside in former Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan’s 35-thousand square foot home. This is good news. It would be highly embarrassing if the Broncos starting quarterback had to live in a Motel 6.

The Rockies have lost 5 in a row and after tomorrow’s off day will try to get on track Tuesday against the visiting Athletics. Oh by the way, Jeremy Guthrie will pitch Tuesday so if you are going to the game and happen to be sitting in the left field bleachers, bring a glove.

The Rocks brought pitcher Jeff Francis back and he was smoked like a Cuban cigar. Now if they can locate Josh Fogg and Manny Corpas they’ll be set.

No triple crown this year as “I’ll Have Another” was scratched. Casey Bloyer was also scratched yesterday…but it had nothing to do with horse racing.

On the show tonight, Marshall Ulrich, the ultramarathoner who ran across the United States from San Francisco to New York . In a related story, Andy Cornell once flew to New York .

The Patriots let go of WR Chad Ochocinco. When I look back on the Ochocinco era in New England , I think of….well, I don’t think of much.

After 10-seasons in the NFL, linebacker Ben Leber announced his retirement…which begs the question…who the hell is Ben Leber?

The College World Series starts this week in Omaha . This beloved event ranks just below the Iditarod and above the World Lumberjacking Championships on the list of great sporting events that Americans pay no attention to.

The Memphis Grizzlies say they are not shopping forward Rudy Gay. The veteran Gay is going to make more than 16-million dollars next season and says, “I love Memphis . As a matter of fact I love everything about my life…except of course my last name.”

Soccer, before the Ireland-Croatia match in some meaningless Euro tournament, 14 people were arrested for drunken brawling. The Irish delegation said, “14 arrests? That’s it? Very disappointing. Where is the support when we need it? This is soccer, where is the passion?”

This Week In Sport...5-27-12 (No Brett The Jet this week!)Race car driver Dario Franchitti won his 3rd Indianapolis 500 today. Of course Franchitti is best known as Ashley Judd’s husband.

Don Larsen, who pitched a perfect game in Game 5 of the 1956 World Series for the Yankees against the Brooklyn Dodgers is putting his jersey from that game up for auction. It could fetch as much as a million dollars. Larsen also put his protective cup up for sale too and that could bring as much as 5-dollars.

Despite an 0-5 record, a 9.45 ERA and banishment to the bullpen, the Twins are giving Francisco Liriano another chance to start. Said irritated manager Ron Gardenhire, “We’re pretty much the laughing stock of baseball and we’re just about mathematically eliminated. So what does it matter if Liriano or the batting practice pitcher starts a game? I’m just flattered you care. I don’t.”

The Charlotte Bobcats, after a 7-59 season, are going to interview Jerry Sloan for their head coaching vacancy. The former Jazz bench boss says, “It would be a huge challenge to turn this franchise around. Plus, I’m really desperate for a job.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says his state will go ahead with a plan for sports gambling in the fall. In a related note, Christie is still fat.

The Olympic Games in London are fast approaching. The Olympic ideal of countries coming together in the true spirit of amateur sports. Athletes simply representing their countries for love of the games....hey wait a minute, this promo is dated 1948.

The Devils are in the Stanley Cup Finals. Nothing says "ratings bonanza" like New Jersey Devils.

An Oregon high school track coach, Melissa Bowerman, 41, was fired for taking one of her runners to the prom. Bowerman was upset as you can imagine saying, “it was completely innocent. We didn’t have sex or anything like that. I was saving that for our second date.”

Doug O’Neill, trainer for “I’ll Have Another” who will be racing for the Triple Crown at The Belmont in 13 days, is completely focused on getting his horse ready for the challenge. He’s also furiously trying to figure out the best way to beat the inconvenient and inevitable drug test.

This Week In Sport! 5-13-12 (For some reason Brett The Jet went ALL CAPS!)

Andy Pettitte returned to the Yankees today, ending his one year retirement. Pettitte said he returned to baseball because his wife was getting on his nerves, he hated getting up early to take the kids to school and the HGH was making his elbow feel like he was 21. (BR)

A topless Ukrainian woman attacked the trophy that will be given out to the winner of the 2012 European Soccer Tournament. When asked why she attacked the trophy the woman said, “Because I’m crazy, stupid.”(BR)

WITH THE 2012 NFL DRAFT BARELY IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR DRAFTNIKS ARE ALREADY PUTTING TOGETHER 2013 MOCK DRAFTS. NEW RESEARCH IS SHOWING COMMON TRAITS WITH THESE AMATEUR PLAYER PERSONEL GURUS WITH THE MOST COMMON BEING CELIBACY. (BD)

Angels slugger Albert Pujols is hitting under 200 and has just 1 home run, this after signing a 240-million dollar contract. The pressure is mounting and the Anaheim fans are booing him. Man, I sure wouldn’t want to be in Albert Pujols situation. (BR)

The Rockies have lost 8 of 9. With this team that’s known as a hot streak.(BR)

IN AN INTERVIEW JOSH HAMILTON GAVE TO ESPN THE RANGERS SLUGGER GOES INTO DETAIL ON HOW HE FOLLOWS JESUS. UNFORTUNATELY EARLY ON IN LIFE A GULLIBLE HAMILTON BELIEVED A PRANKSTER WHEN HE TOLD HIM JESUS CAN BE FOUND IN HEROIN CYRINGES AND CRACK PIPES. (BD)

BIG TEN COMMISSIONER JIM DELANEY SAYS COLLEGE FOOTBALL SHOULD NOT ALLOW NON-DIVISION WINNERS INTO ITS PROPOSED PLAYOFF. COLLEGE FOOTBALL RESPONDED THAT DELANEY SHOULD NOT ALLOW HIS CONFERENCE TO CONTINUE SETTING THE GAME BACK 100 YEARS. (BD)

Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos has a torn ACL in his right knee. The third year catcher took it in stride saying, “Well, it sure beats being kidnapped in Venezuela .”(BR)

NBA coaching legend Don Nelson returned to school and finally got his bachelor’s degree in physical education from the University of Iowa, 50-years after he left school. Nelson hopes he can now get that coveted JV basketball coaching job at Fillmore High that he’s dreamed about the past 5 decades.(BR)

BoiseStateis reconsidering its move to the Big East in 2013. This after a geography student said to the school president, “Did you ever notice that we are located in Idaho and do you have any freaking clue as to how expensive jet fuel is?”(BR)

Two West Virginia football players were arrested for stealing snacks from a Morgantown gas station. The players were remorseful but also thankful that the police didn’t notice the stolen coonskin caps on their heads.(BR)

NETS OWNER MIKHAIL PROKHOROV IS SET TO MEET WITH DERON WILLIAMS TO DISCUSS A NEW CONTRACT. PROKHOROV IS RUMORED TO TRY AND WOO THE POINT GUARD WITH TRADITIONAL RUSSIAN GIFTS LIKE A YEAR’S SUPPLY OF CIGARETTES AND A MAIL ORDER BRIDE. (BD)

TWO WEST VIRGINIA FOOTBALL PLAYERS WERE ARRESTED FOR STEALING SNACKS FROM A LOCAL GAS STATION. SINCE THEY WERE REDUCED TO STEALING FOOD THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING…THEY DIDN’T HAPPEN TO DRIVE PAST A DEAD POSSUM ON THEIR WAY HOME. (BD)

This whole gay marriage issue is very confusing to many people, including homosexuals. As a matter of fact, it’s so confusing that Martina Navratilova just called off her proposed marriage to Greg Louganis.(BR)

Lakers forward Metta World Peace is loose on the court again. NBA fan and Iranian president Mamoud Akmadinijad said, “Is it too late to change my name to Metta World Peace the 2nd?”(BR)

This Week In Sport..."The Return after a lengthy sabbatical!" 5-6-12

Notre Dame quarterback Tommy Rees was arrested for underage drinking and resisting arrest after he was caught running away from police. This is good news for Irish fans who are hoping Rees, gets kicked off the team or at best, is relegated to 4thstring. Afterall, do you really want a quarterback who can’t out run a South Bend police officer?

The Raiders signed quarterback Matt Leinart thereby making Oakland fans attend church for the first time ever…as they pray Carson Palmer doesn’t get hurt.

We do know the Raiders will lead the league in one category. Most former USC Heisman Trophy winning quarterbacks on one roster.

Props to Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for going back to Miami-Ohio and graduating…9 years after he left for the NFL. Also props to Big Ben for not molesting any co-eds during his quest for a degree.

The New Jersey Nets will be the Brooklyn Nets next year, complete with new uniforms and color scheme designed by rap mogul Jay-Z. Z also wanted to change the name of the team…but the league refused to allow the team to be called the Brooklyn Bitches and Hoes.

The Miami Dolphins have signed Cameron Wake to a 49-million dollar contract extension which begs the questions…who is Cameron Wake and what are the Miami Dolphins?

A 55-year old grandmother has tried out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad…but Sharon Simmons failed to make the team. She kept tripping on her…well, let’s just say she didn’t make the team.

Jets head coach Rex Ryan said he is ok with his kid playing football despite his son already having a concussion. Ryan added, I don’t mind him getting concussed…but the little bleeper better not get fat.

This Week in Sport… 12-4-11 (It's about time...and no Brett)

Raiders coach Hue Jackson said he is disturbed by the arrest of linebacker Rolando McClain on assault and firearms charges. Jackson is disturbed that his starting linebacker could miss some games.

Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh is alright after crashing his car into a tree early yesterday morning. The tree was annoyed that Suh got out of the car and stomped on it.

Harvey Updyke of Alabama was upset at the news that Suh crashed into a tree. Updyke said, “Anyone who intentionally harms an innocent tree is no friend of mine.” (Roll Damn Tide)

Texas A&M axed head coach Mike Sherman this week. They axed him not to come back.

Larry King reportedly is part of a group looking to buy the Dodgers. No surprise since the talk show legend is a well known baseball fan. But what has most people confused is, how can he afford it…you know with 27 alimony payments to make each month.

Miami Heat Center Chris Bosh is upset the team is opening the season in Dallas on Christmas, saying, quote, “It sucks to be in Dallas on Christmas.” To which I say, hey it beats Detroit .

Former Brazilian national soccer team captain Socrates passed away yesterday at the age of 57. He’ll always be remembered for his philosophy on how to play the game.

Former Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, who hasn’t pitched since 2009, plans to officially announce his retirement from baseball. In a related story, 83-year old lefty Whitey Ford also plans to officially announce his retirement from the game.

UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisal was fired this past week. Neuheisal took the news in stride and said, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll earn income like I always have…by dominating NCAA tournament pools.”

In Rochester , a woman’s ultrasound picture of her unborn baby showed the little guy Tebowing. We don’t know where he learned the Tebowing pose but we do know this…the baby isn’t Tebow’s.

The Chargers are apparently set to fire Head Coach Norv Turner following the season. To which Turner said, “What took them so long?”

NASCAR fans are looking forward to the racing season starting up again in February. When asked what NASCAR fans will do in the offseason to bide their time, Ronnie Jay Culbertson from Birmingham said, “We’ll probably do what we do every offseason…chew tobaccy, drink beer, avoid dental visits and have sex with our sisters.”

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...10-9-11

Raiders owner and NFL maverick Al Davis passed away yesterday at the age of 82. Davis made the transition from living dead to actual dead rather smoothly. Meanwhile, in a meeting with St. Peter, Davis sued for quick passage through the pearly gates and demanded a luxury box and the rights to the Los Angeles market. (BR)

Raiders Hall of Famer Howie Long paid his respects to Al Davis and said the owner ran the team like a family. Yeah, the Manson family. (BR)

Ryan Howard went 2-19 in the division series against the Cardinals and blew out his Achilles tendon when he made the final out of Game 5. Sympathetic Philadelphia fans were upset that Howard didn’t suffer the injury in Game 1. (BR)

The Avs opened their season last night with a 3-0 loss to the visiting Red Wings. Things didn’t look good from the outset, beginning with the pregame ceremony, when Peter Forsberg’s sweater was injured as they raised it to the rafters. (BR)

The Maple Leafs are off to a 2-0 start. It’s not the first time the Leafs have had a 2 game winning streak in the past 20-years…just seems like it. (BR)

Andy MacPhail is leaving after 4 seasons as team president of the Orioles. Baltimore fans will look back at long list of accomplishments fondly, such as…such as. I’ll get back to you on that one. (BR)

Brewers centerfielder Nyger Morgan dropped a pair of F-bombs on live TV following the team’s Game 5 win over the Diamondbacks. While Morgan shouldn’t have said the bad words, it’s hard for a guy to eliminate 10-percent of his vocabulary in a moment of exuberance. (BR)

Justin Adams is pumped up because he bought 4-tickets, courtside, to the Nuggets home opener for just 20-bucks apiece from a scalper. Justin called it a great bargain. Uh, Justin? We need to talk. (BR)

Missouri is hoping to get an invite from the SEC after their board of curators authorized their administration to explore other conference options. The SEC has several stipulations namely that they fall in line with the rest of the south and retroactively declare October Hank Williams Jr. Month. (BD)

ESPN released Williams from his contract but Williams is disputing this, saying in fact that he quit, that his first amendment rights were violated and that the NFL has sucked ever since George Preston Marshall was overruled. In addition, there was a postscript to Williams’ statement that said, “My first cousin is really hot.” (BD)

Mike Francesa, a New York talk radio host, hung up on a caller who was asking about Detroit Tigers relief pitcher Al Alburquerque. Francesa, clearly never having heard of Alburquerque hung up on the caller thinking it was a prank. The station has decided, as punishment, that since Francesa didn’t know who Alburquerque was he must go there. (BD)

Eagles QB Michael Vick is facing his first true case of adversity since his return to the NFL from an 18 month stint in the joint. After the Eagles 31-24 loss to the Buffalo Bills on Sunday, Vick called it the toughest stretch of his life since he was known as “Bridgette” in Leavenworth. (BD)

Colorado Head Football Coach Jon Embree suspended five defensive players before the Buffs 48-7 loss against Stanford. Administrators are saying they are patient with the first year coach and everything is going according to play…although to be fair, the plan was to suck more than they did despite being in a crappier conference. (BD)

Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick said the school is monitering the changing landscape in college athletics and keeping the school’s options open. He went on to say, “I feel Notre Dame can be overrated and fall woefully short of expectations just about anywhere.” (BD)

OaklandRaiders Owner Al Davis passed away Saturday morning and was remembered throughout the league with a moment of silence before all games. The people that will miss Davis the most are fans with fond memories of the Raiders glory days and people that love abstaining from votes. (BD)

DetroitTigers Manager Jim Leyland is not in favor of Commissioner Bud Selig’s new playoff idea. Leyland said, “I’m not a fan of another round of playoffs unless ‘Playoffs’ is a new brand of cigarettes.” (BD)

Alex Rodriguez will likely face criticism for his most recent post-season failures in the offseason. Rodriguez and Miami Heat star LeBron James are reportedly considering taking a class taught by an expert on closing the deal. The instructor is Glen Rice. (BD)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...9-18-11

Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo has served up a team record 44 home runs this season and admits its due to a lack of concentration, "Sometimes," Arroyo said, "I forget I'm pitching in a game and think it's just batting practice." (BR)

A high school girls basketball coach in Wisconsin tried to bribe one of his players for sex by offering her an Aaron Rodgers jersey. Kind of tells you how far Brett Favre has fallen in the eyes of Packers fans. (BR)

A Cowboys fan was arrested for bringing a stun gun to last weeks Jets game...and he used it when he was getting beaten on by several Jets fans. So what exactly is the problem here? (BR)

White Sox first baseman and DH Adam Dunn is having a tough year. He's hitting just .161 and has a whopping 161 strikeouts with just 10 home runs. Plus he's making only 12-million dollars this season. Yep, I would hate to be having the season Adam Dunn is having. (BR)

An English soccer fan who streaked across the field during a game has been banned from attending matches for three years. Why would he be rewarded for committing this crime? (BR)

The Browns arrived in Indianapolis three hours late yesterday after their plane got stuck in the mud at the airport. What, they don't have paved runways in Cleveland? To add insult to injury they had to go up against Peyton Manning and the high flying Colts...um, wait. Scratch that last line from the record. (BR)

Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton said he didn't know what a reporter was talking about he mentioned his rookie salary. Cam was then told it was OK to talk about money now since he's not at Auburn anymore. (BR)

For the first time in Houston Astros franchise history, they've lost 100 games in a season. The Pittsburgh Pirates sent in their congratulations and said, "Welcome to the club." (BR)

For those looking to eat healthier, it might be wise to incorporate rice into your diet. Brown rice is very healthy...just ask Sarah Palin. (BR)

Three highly touted basketball recruits have been ruled academically ineligible and won't be able to suit up this fall for St. John's. However, Johnnies Head Coach Steve Lavin hopes that once they learn to read and write they'll be able to join the team in time for the spring semester. (BR)

Some have accused Patriots QB Tom Brady of being irresponsible when he asked Pats fans to drink all day and show up to their late afternoon start drunk...or like the Dolphins secondary did on Monday night. (BR)

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THIS WEEK IN SPORT…8-21-11

The Rockies won today, finally snapping their 17-game Sunday losing streak. I knew once they stopped worshipping Satan and went to church they would break the skid. (BR)

Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan has not named a starting quarterback yet. But he did add the Redskins will likely employ a starting QB this season…not that it will help. (BR)

Former Miami booster Nevin Shapiro is doing a 20-year stint in prison for bilking investors out of 930-million dollars in a ponzi scheme. Perhaps it wasn’t wise to rat out the Miami football program…since there are probably several former Miami football players currently sharing a prison yard and shower with him. (BR)

University of Miami President Donna Shalala is perplexed with the entire scandal, saying, “With all this cheating how come we weren’t winning National Championships?” (BR)

Giants closer Brian Wilson is on the disabled list with a sore elbow. At least we know he didn’t hurt the elbow shaving. (BR)

76ers Forward Elton Brand said he doesn’t think the NBA season will start on time due to the lockout. He also predicted the sun to rise in the east tomorrow and the Cubs to not make the playoffs. (BR)

A goodwill basketball game in China turned ugly when Georgetown University and a Chinese team got into a wild bench clearing brawl. Note to the Chinese…next time you pick a team to brawl with, try Princeton . Or Vanderbilt. Or any team not named Georgetown . (BR)

A 54-year old man in Spokane , Washington was arrested for fishing in the nude. The man is obviously not very smart because one of those fish hooks could…could, you know, hook something. (BR)

Soccer… Kansas City goalkeeper Jimmy Nielsen was hit in the head by a bobblehead doll thrown from the stands. He and 4 other players fell to the ground with severe, life threatening injuries. But four minutes later they were alright and the borefest continued. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...6-26-11 (No Brett this week)

Mexico defeated the United States 4-2 to win something called the Gold Cup at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena . Mexican officials are planning a big celebration…if the team returns home. (BR)

Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton says he’s struggling in day games because his blue eyes are sensitive to light. Former Rockies pitcher Felipe Paulino had a similar problem. Not because of his eyes but because he simply couldn’t pitch. (BR)

The man who coined the phrase, “keep your eye on the ball,” passed away this week. Beloved actor Peter Falk was 83. (BR)

80-year old Jack McKeon was hired, once again, as manager of the Marlins. Herb Waldstein, 96, one of the Marlins 14 season ticket holders said, “It’s about time they got some young blood in there.” (BR)

The NHL had their draft on Friday and it was so boring…how boring was it? It was so boring that….OK, I’ll fess up. I have absolutely nothing for you. Sorry. (BR)

Former Iowa football player Cedric Everson was sentenced this week for his 2007 assualt on a female athlete. Everson will spend one week in jail. So don’t ever tell me that the Iowa justice system is soft on crime. Not three days, not five days…one full week! (BR)

THTHI THIS WEEK IN SPORT...6-19-11

The Bruins defeated the Canucks 4-0 in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals thus prompting thousands of people to riot in the streets of Vancouver . One observer called the rioting disgraceful. Another called the riots…just another night in Detroit. (BR)

Former Giants running back Tiki Barber, making a comeback after four years of retirement, says he suffered through depression without football. Maybe ditching his pregnant wife for a vacuous blonde bimbo thus resulting in his firing from his TV job and running short on cash also had something to do with his depression. (BR)

With an NBA lockout on the horizon, the NBA summer league has been cancelled. In other news….wait a second. The NBA summer league has been cancelled? OH CRAP! (BR)

The Cubs entered today’s action with a record of 29-41…or as some baseball experts are saying, “one of the best starts in franchise history.” (BR)

A group of North Carolina football players racked up a whopping 13-thousand dollars in parking tickets. Former Ohio State HeadCoach Jim Tressel weighed in by saying, “13 grand in parking tickets? That would never happen on my watch.” (BR)

Kentucky says it will change the total number of career wins for basketball coach John Calipari since the NCAA vacated 42 of his 509 career wins. Calipari has remained quiet on the subject…since further scrutiny might reveal only 23 legit wins. (BR)

The leading rusher for the University of Minnesota , DeLeon Eskridge is leaving the program. It looks as if the Gophers dream of winning 4 games this season has now gone out the window. (BR)

Tawanna Iverson is filing for divorce from her husband Allen. She says cheating isn’t an issue for the divorce. But the fact that he’s no longer an NBA player making millions could be a factor. Allen Iverson’s mother said, “Did Tawanna tell you dat? Don’t go there wit me, don’t go there.” (BR)

Just for the record, the man seen begging for change outside of Citi Field in New York recently was NOT Mets owner Fred Wilpon. It was his son Jeff. (BR)

A man claims that gang members attacked him in 2008 and held him hostage over an alleged sex tape of Shaquille O’Neal that he apparently was going to give to Shaq’s wife. I don’t know much about the sex tape business…but I’m guessing they had to use a wide angle lens for that one. (BR)

President Obama had kind words for the Mavericks for their NBA title. The President was also very generous with his praise for head coach Rick Carlisle. Smart move by Obama since he may be looking for an assistant coaching job on January 21, 2013. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...6-12-11

Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie said it's "stupid" for his state to pay the NFL 4-million dollars just to host the Pro Bowl. Here's some thing that's also stupid...The Pro Bowl. (BR)

Allen Iverson wants to return to the NBA and says if any team wants to win a championship they should give him a call. Iverson is looking to add to his total of...ZERO NBA titles. (BR)

West Virginia University has promoted coach in waiting Dana Holgorsen to head coach after it was discovered that previous head coach Bill Stewart was attempting to ruin the reputation of his offensive coordinator who was named his successor last December. Upon taking the job, Holgorsen becomes the GREATEST college football coach ever who looks like Phil Collins. (BD)

Holgorsen's reputation as an "everyman" took a hit among the people of West Virginia when he arrived at his introductory press conference ans wasn't wearing JUST overalls. Since then he has worked very hard to act like a West Virginian by drunkenly getting kicked out of casinos. (BD)

A 40-year old woman in England has been fired from her job as a mascot for a soccer team after the club discovered racy photos of her in lingerie. 40-year old Tracy Chandler said she is "devastated." I saw the picures...my eyes are devastated. (BR)

Quarterback Terrelle Pryor announced this week that he will not return for his senior season at Ohio State. He does plan to return to school eventually...to get his degree in doodling. (BR)

The National Football Post reports that former Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel is a long shot for a job in the NFL, citing his lack of experience in the league and his "fatherly coaching style." They did offer some gigs that Tressel would be perfect for, most notably, RAGING HYPOCRITE. (BD)

Former Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor is not interested in playing in the Canadien Football League...and something tells me he's not going to be interested in his fallback option either...DITCHDIGGER! (BD)

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier is in favor of paying players. So this would be different how? (BR)

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress told the Wall Street Journal that prison took an "emotional toll," and cited the bad food, meager weight room and idle time. However, Burress, being the eternal optimist added, "on the bright side, I can now fashion and rectally smuggle a shank made from a toothbrush." (BD)

Philadelphia Eagles QB Michael Vick gave scholarships and a speech to local students. The speech was said to center around hard work, making the most of a second chance and not catching herpes. (BD)

The Golden State Warriors, who have made the playoffs once in the past 17 seasons, have hired Mark Jackson as their new head coach. Jackson called the position a "challenge." The rest of the league calls it..."career suicide." (BR)

After spending close to 2-years in prison on gun charges, former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress was set free this week. Plax was happy to be out of prison and said he was looking forward to spending time with his family, working out and purchasing some ammo. (BR)

Last week, Mexico defeated New Zealand 3-0 in an exhibition match at Invesco Field. The game was played of course, due to the large...some would say too large...kiwi population here. (BR)

Panthers linebacker Jon Beason won a civil trial against a man who claimed Beason punched him in the face at a strip club. Beason defense was simple…as an NFL player in a strip club he would never have punched the man…he would have shot him. (BR)

Former Lakers center Kareem Abdul Jabbar was wining like a baby because the team hasn’t erected a statue of him. They’ve aready put up a statue of Jerry West and Magic Johnson and Kareem wants his due. While many are coming down on Jabbar, I have to agree with him especially when the Lakers announced plans to unveil a statue of Mikey Muldoon, their ballboy during their championship season of 1987. (BR)

It looks as if the Atlanta Thrashers hockey team will be relocating to Winnipeg. The fans in Atlanta are taking this news very hard…all 8 of them. (BR)

Edmonton will build a new 450-million downtown arena for the Oilers. Wow…. Disney World, The Four Seasons, Sea World, The Grand Cypress Golf Resort, Sunshine. Man, Edmonton is really…wait, hold on. I was thinking of Orlando. Geez, I'm embarrassed. (BR)

An Iowa State men’s basketball assistant coach will be suspended for buying a round-trip ticket for a player which is an NCAA violation. The player reported the transgression because he wanted a one-way ticket out of Ames. (BR)

NASCAR has some sort of car race last night. I really wasn’t interested. I’m waiting for the Daytona 500. (BR)

A D-League basketball team is interested in hiring Bruce Pearl, the former Tennessee coach who was fired for lying to NCAA investigators. Pearl though reportedly is holding out to get a job on Jim Tressel’s staff. (BR)

A published report says that Notre Dame paid former head coach Charlie Weis 6.6 million bucks when they fired him. Or, as Weis put it, 6.6 million double cheeseburgers off the McDonald's dollar menu. (BR)

Women’s soccer, the United States beat Japan 2-0 in a friendly this week…which wasn’t very friendly of them was it? (BR)

A 51-year old radio DJ, which in itself is a joke, was arrested on disorderly conduct charges for yelling profanities…at a youth baseball game involving 6-year olds. Because the naughty words were not said on the air, the FCC will not impose any fines. (BR)

During the NFL lockout, the Oakland Raiders are putting their coaches to good use by having them sell season tickets if they want to continue to receive their full salaries. The Raiders were dead last in the league a year ago in attendance…but first in felonies! (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...4-24-11

Being a one time sociology minor, I enjoy watching the NBA playoffs and the racial dynamics of the sport. You have white guys, black guys….and Chris Anderson. (BR)

Following Boston ’s 4-zip series win today, Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony said, “It’s obvious that Denver made a mistake getting rid of me. They’re about to get swept.” (BR)

Dolphins WR Brandon Marshall was stabbed this weekend by his wife, who claimed it was in self defense. Marshall said his injuries occurred when he slipped and fell on a glass vase. I wonder if he slipped on the same McDonald’s bag that caused him to put his arm through a TV a few years ago. (BR)

Florida DB Janoris Jenkins was arrested for the third time. He was booked for smoking a marijuana cigar. Florida officials are understandably upset but said, “Hey everybody who runs a 4.3 40 deserves a 4thchance.” (BR)

Mariners outfielder Franklin Gutierrez has had his stomach problems diagnosed as “irritable bowel syndrome.” The cause?…Playing for the Mariners. (BR)

Indonesian officials are investigating charges that golfers are employing female caddies during the day who then become prostitutes for the golfers at night. Charlie Sheen weighed in and said, “So, what’s the problem?” (BR)

An Ohio high school swimming champ was arrested on gun and weapons charges this week, thus losing out on several scholarship offers. The kid said, “My plan worked to perfection. If you think I wanted to spend the next four years getting up at 4 am and swimming several hours a day in a freezing, germ infested pool, you’re crazy.”Although when told he might be someone’s boy toy in prison, the kid said, “Oh crap. Didn’t think about that part.” (BR)

Former Major Leaguer Lenny Dykstra was released from custody on 150-thousand dollars bond. He’s been accused of bankruptcy fraud…among his many legal issues. Art Schichter shook his head and said, “What is wrong with that guy. I have no respect for him.” (BR)

Versus is pumped up over the ratings for the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. And who can blame them. Their viewership has doubled into the hundreds. (BR)

This Week in Sport...4-10-11

UNLV has hired one of Jerry Tarkanian’s former players Dave Rice to be their new head basketball coach. Rice plans to emulate his mentor. Expect UNLV to be placed on probation within two years. (BR)

Ravens wide receiver Desmond Mason is upset that Commissioner Roger Goodell is talking about testing for HGH instead of working on a new bargaining agreement. This is called a smokescreen since Mason is getting older and needs…well, nevermind. (BR)

Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler said this week that he was bothered by criticism during the playoffs, questioning his toughness when he left the NFC championship game against the Packers. Cutler dealt with the criticism by sulking, pouting and getting drunk. (BR)

Ben Roethlisberger, who was suspended last year for four games for groping a woman in a restroom, announced that he is getting married in July. The future ex-Mrs. Roethlisberger is reportedly very excited. (BR)

LeBron James mom Gloria was arrested this week for slapping a valet for not getting her car fast enough. The man, Rockfeller Sorel said he was humiliated and traumatized…but a cool million or two will make him feel a heck of a lot better. (BR)

In San Diego , a football coach beat up a man who he thought was trying to recruit one of his best players for another team. This is understandable of course since the player participates in pee wee football, ages 9-12. (BR)

Saturday night, every one was saying it was Rory McIlroy’s Masters to lose. Well, he lost it. (BR)

Crystal Mangum, the prostitute who falsely accused the Duke lacrosse team of rape, was in the news again this week. She was arrested for stabbing her boyfriend. Wait, she has a boyfriend. He’s not exactly setting the bar high in the female department is he? (BR)

(BR)(BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...3-20-11

A FOUL BY NASIR ROBINSON OF PITT 85 FEET FROM THE BASKET WITH .8 SECONDS LEFT GAVE BUTLER FREE THROWS TO WIN 71-70 OVER THE PANTHERS. IT WAS SUCH A BAD FOUL THAT EVEN LEON LETT WONDERED WHAT ROBINSON WAS THINKING. (BR)

BARRY BONDS GOES ON TRIAL TOMORROW ON ALLEGATIONS THAT HE LIED UNDER OATH ABOUT USING STEROIDS. OTHER THAN HIS EXPANDED HEAD AND PHYSIQUE, 73 HOME RUNS AT THE AGE OF 36, AND HIS CONNECTION TO BALCO WHAT PROOF DO WE ACTUALLY HAVE THAT BONDS USED STEROIDS? (BR)

YANKEES MANAGER JOE GIRARDI ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT A.J. BURNETT WILL BE HIS #2 STARTER BEHIND CC SABATHIA. WHEN THAT NEWS WAS RELEASED YANKEE FANS EVERYWHERE LET OUT A COLLECTIVE..."OH"...AND SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH TWIT. (BR)

POLICE CAPTURED A KNIFE-WEILDING MAN PRIOR TO YESTERDAY'S CLIPPERS GAME AT THE STAPLES CENTER. THE MAN WAS UNDERSTANDABLY UPSET SINCE HE THOUGHT HE BOUGHT LAKERS TICKETS. (BR)

CARMELO ANTHONY, ACCORDING TO PUBLISHED REPORTS, IS WEARING OUT HIS WELCOME ALREADY IN NEW YORK. DENVER FANS ARE CONFUSED. CARMELO SULKING, NOT LISTENING TO HIS COACH, HOGGING THE BASKETBALL? WE NEVER SAW THAT HERE IN DENVER. WAIT A SECOND. NEVERMIND. (BR)

THE AVS SNAPPED THEIR 10-GAME LOSING STREAK YESTERDAY WITH A 3-2 SHOOTOUT WIN AT EDMONTON. THE AVS PUT THEIR ONE GAME WINNING STREAK ON THE LINE TUESDAY AGAINST COLUMBUS. (BR)

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS BEEN DOING EXCEEDINGLY WELL IN HIS NCAA TOURNAMENT BRACKET. HOWEVER, WHEN QUESTIONED ABOUT THE RECENT DISASTER IN JAPAN, OBAMA SAID, "HEY, GET OFF MY BACK ITS MARCH MADNESS. BY THE WAY, WHAT DISASTER IN JAPAN?" (BR)

OHIOSTATE FOOTBALL COACH JIM TRESSEL WILL SIT OUT FIVE GAMES INSTEAD OF TWO SO HE CAN SHARE THE PENALTY WITH HIS 5 SUSPENDED PLAYERS NEXT SEASON. HE ALSO PLANNED TO GET SOME REALLY UGLY TATTOOS TO SHOW SOLIDARITY WITH THE PLAYERS. (BR)

CLINT DEMPSEY BECAME THE FIRST AMERICAN TO SCORE 10 GOALS IN THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE. THE MEDIA COVERAGE HERE IN THE STATES WAS OFF THE CHARTS. ACTUALLY, THIS MENTION IS THE ONLY MEDIA COVERAGE OF THE EVENT HERE IN THE USA. (BR)

FLORIDA CORNERBACK JANORIS JENKINS PLED GUILTY TO A MARIJUANA POSSESSION CHARGE. JENKINS WAS THE FIRST GATOR TO BE ARRESTED UNDER NEW HEAD COACH WILL MUSCHAMP'S REGIME. MUSCHAMP SAID, "31 GATORS WERE ARRESTED UNDER URBAN MEYERS WATCH BUT I'M CONFIDENT WE CAN SURPASS THAT NUMBER SOON. WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M A COMPETITOR." (BR)

TEXAS TECH HAS HIRED BILLY GILLESPIE AS THEIR NEW HEAD BASKETBALL COACH. AT HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE IN LUBBOCK, GILLESPIE ASKED THE ASSEMBLED MEDIA, "HEY, WHERE'S JANINE EDWARDS?" (BR)

YALE IS THE TOP SEED FOR THE UPCOMING NCAA HOCKEY TOURNAMENT. IT'S THE FIRST TIME YALE HAS BEEN A TOP SEED SINCE THE NCAA QUANTAM PHYSICS TOURNAMENT IN 2004. (BR)

This Week In Sport…11-14-10

Calgary Flames Center Brett Sutter was arrested for allegedly getting into a fight outside a Scottsdale, Arizona bar. He thought he would only get 5-minutes in jail but instead was released on bond an hour after getting booked. (BR)

The NFL Players Association has been advising their constituents on health care. The best advice they gave the players was…to stop playing football. (BR)

Derek Jeter is a free agent and the shortstop said this week that he was hopeful but not sure if he’d be back with the Yankees. He did add that wherever he ends up he’ll be making a crapload of money…and he’s still going to marry Minka Kelly. (BR)

Kentucky freshman Enes Kanter was ruled permanently ineligible to play college basketball by the NCAA due to excessive benefits he received from his club team in Turkey. According to Wildcats coach John Calipari, this has nothing to do with the excessive benefits he received from Kentucky. (BR)

After losing to Division II Indianapolis in an exhibition game, Tennessee hoop coach Bruce Pearl punished his team by having an early morning film session. One upset Volunteer said that maybe Pearl should have an early morning film session with NCAA rules and regulations. (BR)

Colorado fired head football coach Dan Hawkins after 4-plus seasons and a 19-39 record. When asked what he was going to do now, Hawkins said, “Go coach intramurals, brother, go coach intramurals.” (BR)

In car racing, Jeff Gordon and Jeff Burton had a physical altercation after a race. Apparently Burton was ticked off that while following Gordon, the driving legend had his left blinker on for 39 consecutive laps. (BR)

Allegations are surfacing that Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton’s dad was actively shopping his services around for the best monetary package. 11 of the 12 SEC schools wondered what the big deal is while the Vanderbilt president responded with, “Paying players? Really? Wow, so that’s how those other schools do it. Well I would have never guessed. No wonder we’re so bad. Damn.” (BR)

The New York Mets fired long-time clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels after he admitted he gambled on baseball games. Don’t feel sorry for old Charlie though. He’s a wealthy man since usually bet against the Mets. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT…10-24-10 (Brett has thrown in the towel!)

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney, just days after saying he wanted out, signed a new, 5-year deal to stay with Man U after all. I’m sure it wasn’t about the money. Anyway, Rooney celebrated in typical Rooney fashion…by patronizing a prostitute while his wife stayed home and watched the kids. (BR)

A Chicago woman is suing a tattoo parlor for tattooing a White Sox logo on her thigh…backwards. The artist said, “I sincerely apologize to the skank for my mistake. My bad.” (BR)

The Detroit Lions were named the 30thmost popular team in the NFL according to a Harris Poll. Lions owner William Clay Ford said, “30th? Wow, people have really jumped off the 1957 NFL Championship team bandwagon.” (BR)

The Broncos were destroyed today by the Raiders 59-14. Denver head coach Josh McDaniels said, “If you take away our 3 turnovers, if you take away Oaklands 328 yards rushing, if you take Darren McFadden’s 4 touchdowns, if you take away Jason Campbell’s 2 touchdown passes, and if you take away the first, second and third quarters, we’re right in this game. (BR)

An Ohio woman, Susan Fishpaw, was arrested on several charges for driving her Cadillac DeVille on a golf course and causing all sorts of damage. When asked if she pulled the stunt because she was drunk, Fishpaw responded, “No, I did it because my name is Fishpaw.” (BR)

A man from Nepal, on his 18thbirthday, was named the World’s Shortest Man by the Guinness Book of World Records. Marco Frigatti stands 26.4 inches tall and was excited to be in the record book. When asked how he was going to celebrate, Frigatti replied, “I’m getting on my big wheel and heading over to the nursery school to play some basketball.” (BR)

Deanna Favre said she was relying on faith concerning allegations of her husband Brett’s inappropriate behavior. The spiritual woman then excused herself to place a call to Elin Nordegren’s lawyer. (BR)

Steelers linebacker James Harrison threatened to quit this week after he was fined 75-thousand dollars for hits that knocked out a couple of Cleveland Browns. However, Best Buy couldn’t match the 51-million dollar deal that Harrison signed with the Steelers and on the advice of the Best Buy director of human resources, the linebacker returned to the team. (BR)

Despite a concussion last Sunday, Redskins tight end Chris Cooley said he will play against the Bears this week. He added, “It’s only my brain. It’s not a serious injury like a knee.” (BR)

Real Salt Lake scored 2 goals in extra-time to tie the Rapids 2-2 last night. For those not familiar with the rules of soccer, extra-time is the time they put on the clock…to make up for the time the players spend faking injuries during regular time. (BR)

The NHL season is a couple of weeks old…and, well, I just wanted to let you know in case you missed it. (BR)

Several former greats, including the late Bob Hayes and Doug Williams were inducted this week into the Black College Football Hall of Fame. Emmitt Smith was supposed to be the keynote speaker, until it was discovered he doesn’t speak English. And in the spirit of job retention, I’ll stop right there. (BR)

Oregon whipped up on UCLA 60-13 this week as the nation's leading rusher LaMichael James scored a pair of touchdowns. Ducks head coach Chip Kelly was impressed by James’ performance on the field but more proud of the fact that James hasn’t choked his girlfriend in weeks. (BR)

Connecticut basketball coach Jim Calhoun, responding to sanctions to the program, said he’s not a cheater. He added, “I repeat, I am not a cheater. The rest of my staff is, but not me.” (BR)

NBA Commissioner David Stern wants to decrease player salaries by a third to about 800-million claiming that owners need to see a return on their investment. If salary reduction is implemented, financial analysts say it could have a serious negative effect on the hand gun, marijuana and strip club industries. (BR)

300 Athletes from various sports have agreed to donate their brains to science after they pass away. Travis Henry and Pacman Jones agreed to donate their brains…until researchers discovered they had no brains to actually donate. (BR)

The Avs defeated the Red Wings 5-4 in a shootout Tuesday night in Detroit . It probably wasn’t the only shootout in Detroit Tuesday evening. (BR)

KansasState beat the stuffing out of Kansas this week 59-7. Casey Bloyer could only mutter, “Damn…I had the Jayhawks and 51 ½. How am I going to explain to my wife that our new address is going to be the big cardboard box behind Denny’s in Aurora ?” (BR)

Mexican TV Reporter Inez Saenz says she won’t be doing anymore interviews in NFL locker rooms because she feels uncomfortable after a bad experience with the Jets. Instead, Saenz will conduct interviews where she feels more comfortable…in a strip club. (BR)

Baylor Head Coach Art Briles kicked wide receiver Willie Jefferson off the team for a second marijuana arrest. Briles said, “The fact Willie was a third stringer made my decision much easier.” (BR)

A female Mets fan that is suing a 300-pound man for falling on her and injuring her at a game in 2007. She tried to prove in court that the tub of goo was so drunk that he couldn’t even chant “Let’s Go Mets.” The defendant’s lawyer said his client didn’t chant “Let’s Go Mets” because he is a Phillies fan and had a meatball sandwich in his mouth at the time of the alleged incident.” (BR)

The Pirates interviewed former Major Leaguer Dale Sveum for their open managerial position. Sveum scored points in the interview when he said he was extremely confident he could extend the Pirates consecutive losing season streak to 19 next year.” (BR)

Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas skipped out of a preseason game this week by faking a knee injury. Wizards head coach….who the hell is the Wizards head coach?...Anyway, the Wizards head coach said, “At least he didn’t pull a gun on a teammate so Gilbert’s making nice progress.” (BR)

Celtics center Kevin Garnett was ejected from an exhibition game in New York for picking up 2 technicals in the second quarter. After his ejection, Garnett whispered to referee Kane Fitzgerald, “Thanks Fitzy. I owe you one.” (BR)

A Georgia woman was arrested for embezzling 27-thousand dollars from her daughters cheerleading team. The 48-year old woman said, “Come on people, it’s only 27-thousand. Geez. It’s not like I ripped John Elway off of 15-million or something.” (BR)

Allen Iverson’s business manager Gary Moore said his client is close to signing a deal to play in Turkey . Moore said, “I hear Istanbul is beautiful plus it’s not that far from the US .” Moore said advising Iverson is a lot more fun than his former job of travel agent. (BR)

UCLA students threw a Happy 100th Birthday party on Thursday for former Bruins head coach John Wooden. The gesture was so thoughtful that the school didn’t have the heart to tell them that the coaching legend passed away in June. (BR)

Former NBA player Chris Dudley, running for governor of Oregon , is screaming foul on his Democratic opponent for dirty campaigning for brining up the Republican’s 46% career mark from the free throw line. Election officials agreed it was a foul on the part of John Kitzhaber. After the ruling, Dudley stepped to the line and bricked a pair of free throw attempts. (BR)

TWIS.....10-10-10(No Brett Again!)

Umpiring in the baseball post-season has been very bad once again with several blown calls, particularly in the Yankees-Twins series. Crew chief Stevie Wonder says that they’ll bear down and try to do better. (BR)

A prominent website is reporting that Brett Favre, when he was with the Jets, sent lewd photos and voice messages to Jenn Sterger, the team’s former sideline reporter. Favre’s former Packers teammate Mark Chumura chimed in and said, “He’s much older than her plus he’s married. I can’t condone this despicable behavior and probably the most embarrassing episode for the NFL since I was caught in a hot tub with teenaged girls.” (BR)

The film “Secretariat” is hitting theaters, the story of perhaps the greatest race horse of all time and the triple crown winner in 1973. Following his racing career, Secretariat sired more than 600 foals to which Travis Henry, from his jail cell said, “600 kids? Damn, and I thought I was a procreation machine.” (BR)

An assistant high school football coach in Washington has resigned from his job after an affair with a 17-year old female student came to light. Apparently the coach accidentally sent a naughty text message, intended for the girl, to his wife. The town is, rightfully, up in arms wondering, “Who the hell is going to coach the linebackers this week?” (BR)

The NHL season began this week with some games in the Czech Republic. Commissioner Gary Bettman said the reason for opening overseas is to not-promote the game in this country. (BR)

The Buffalo Bills are off to an 0-5 start. It must be tough to be a Bills fan…but at least they have nice uniforms. (BR)

The Dallas Cowboys fell to 1-3 on the season. Following the loss, Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips felt compelled to call owner Jerry Jones to remind him about certain pictures with farm animals. (BR)

Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad made 3 costly errors to cost Atlanta the game today against the Giants. After the game, a teammate told Conrad to forget about it and gave him a beer….which Conrad promptly dropped. (BR)

The Twins made an early exit in the playoffs and once again it was at the hands of the Yankees. Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire said, “We’re not intimidated by the Yankees. If we play them again next year….we’ll, ugh, probably get swept again.” (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT…10-3-10 (No Brett this week)

Carmelo Anthony is still a Nugget despite the fact that he is seeking a trade to a big market team. Some say his wife, La La Vazquez, is behind Carmelo looking to get out of Denver. People around the country refer to La La as an MTV personality. Many folks around these parts refer to her as Yoko Ono. (BR)

The NHL’s 8-game exhibition slate is winding down. Now fans can get on to the business of following the NHL’s 82-game exhibition season. (BR)

Lebron James is playing the race card, saying that racism is at the root of the negative backlash he has received from bolting Cleveland for Miami. He failed to mention other possibilities for his image taking a hit, namely lack of loyalty, extreme narcissism and an ego bigger than the George Steinbrenner monument at Yankee Stadium. (BR)

Former Giants running back Tiki Barber said Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin has lost control his team. Coughlin responded, “I have a Super Bowl ring, Tiki doesn’t. I didn’t leave my pregnant wife for a blonde bimbo and ruin my chances at a respectable broadcasting career. I’m not loathed by Giants fans and have the respect of my peers. Scoreboard Tiki, scoreboard!” (BR)

Robert Mills, a 36-year old youth football coach in Virginia was arrested for selling illegal drugs…during a game! While Mills may be a piece of garbage you've got to give the guy credit for his ability to multi-task. (BR)

Blackhawks defenseman Nick Boynton has been suspended for the season opener against the Avalanche for a throat-slashing gesture at an opposing player. A contrite Boynton apologized and said, “I regret making the throat-slashing gesture. I really meant to grab my crotch.” (BR)

Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin is unhappy with his contract situation. Which is like saying birds fly, the sun rises in the morning and the Lions will have the first pick in the NFL draft. (BR)

An Ohio man streaked a girls high school game wearing a stocking over his face and a cowboy hat. This is called a disgraceful stunt…or, another night in Commerce City. (BR)

Former Seton Hall basketball player Robert Mitchell pleaded guilty to armed robbery and criminal restraint charges after breaking into a home and robbing 8 people. Maurice Clarett weighed in and said, “It’s a shame when young people piss away their futures.”

Tennessee thought they had LSU defeated on the final play of the game…but it was nullified by a penalty since the Vols had 13 defensive players on the field. Somber head coach Derek Dooley responded after the painful loss, “Look, I can’t blame my kids for not being able to count. This is the SEC after all.”

Former ESPN baseball announcer Steve Phillips, who lost that job for indiscretions with a female producer, has signed on with Sirius Radio. The news was met with approval from every ugly, overweight and lonely female who works at Sirius.

Another disappointing season is over for the Chicago Cubs. But there is good news Cubs fans. Next season, for the 102ndconsecutive year, the Cubs won’t have to deal with the pressure of having to defend their “World Series Championship.” (BR)

This Week In Sport….. 9-26-10

For the first time since 1948 the University of Nevada has entered the AP Top 25. To put some perspective on that, it was so long ago that prostitution was legal in that state. (BD)

Boston College head coach Frank Spaziani has announced the benching of starting QB David Shinski and that either Mike Marskovetra or Chase Rettig will start on Saturday against Notre Dame. The Boston College/Notre Dame matchup, once pitted the top Catholic football programs in the nation, has now been reduced to a glorified purse fight. (BD)

Oregon pulled away from a tough Arizona State team in Tempe on Saturday night. Unfortunately for the Sun Devils there was a lack of support from their student section because they were too occupied with, “taking Arizona State to the top of the US News and World Report Rankings.” (BD)

A 27-year old high school baseball coach in Ohio was arrested on charges of stealing school sports equipment and selling it to a second hand sporting goods store. The coach said, “These are just false allegations. Absolutely untrue. By the way, do you have any need for some tennis rackets or football helmets?” (BR)

A soccer coach in Europe was stabbed during a game by a deranged fan. The assailant turned out to be the coach’s brother. The coach’s mother said, “Damn. This will make for an awkward Thanksgiving.” (BR)

The Ohio University mascot, Rufus Bobcat, admitted that he plotted his assault against Brutus Buckeye, the Ohio State mascot. Rufus said, “Yeah, I kicked Brutus’ ass. And to the Eastern Michigan Eagle…you’re next.” (BR)

In the NBA, free agent Erick Dampier is considering offers from the Bucks and Rockets, which has to be leaving bra sales people in both Houston and Milwaukee foaming at the mouth. (BD)

Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams said in an interview with a Baltimore radio station that basketball players should be paid. When asked for comment Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari said, “wait, we can’t do that already?” (BD)

Polls in Argentina suggest that 9 out of 10 Argentines do not want Diego Maradona back as their national team manager. Seeing sales down since Maradona was relieved of his duties, crack dealers support his return at a rate of 10 out of 10. (BD)

Michigan State tight end Dion Simms was arrested for being part of a burglary ring that allegedly stole 160-thousand dollars worth of laptop computers from the Detroit public school system. The Detroit public school system had laptops? Who knew? (BR)

Colorado State snapped a 12-game losing streak yesterday with a 36-34 win over Idaho yesterday. CSU head coach Steve Fairchild told his fans, “Don’t get used to it. TCU is coming in next week and they’ll probably beat us by 40. So enjoy this while you can!” (BR)

Rap star Snoop Dog suggested to billionaire facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg that they pair up and buy a pro sports franchise together. When Zuckerberg asked Snoop Dog which team he had in mind, Snoop said, “The USC Trojans.” (BR)

The Tennessee-Chattanooga basketball program was cited for NCAA violations for illegal recruiting practices. The cheating doesn’t appear to be working since the Mocs went 15-18 last season. Former Oklahoma and Indiana Head Coach Kelvin Sampson weighed in and said, “If you’re gonna cheat, do it right damn it.” (BR)

In an interview with a Washington area radio station Redskins DT Albert Haynesworth said his $100 million contract with the Redskins doesn’t make him a slave to the team. And he’s right because we all know that slaves were all under $50 million contracts. (BD)

In a shocker, British soccer star David Beckham is being linked to an affair with a former high-end call girl. It is so shocking because you normally expect this behavior not from someone of Beckham’s looks, but the Otis Nixon, Robert Parish, and George Muresean types. (BD)

Shawne Merriman injured his calf in the first quarter of the Chargers loss to the Seahawks on Sunday. Unfortunately for the Chargers, Merriman doesn’t have ANY ideas on a quick remedy that would get him back on the field sooner. (BD)

The Yankees unveiled a giant monument in honor of former owner George Steinbrenner this week, who passed away in July. Satellite photos showed the image of The Boss to be quite accurate and detailed.(BR)

A prostitute claims she had sexual relations with David Beckham. For those in the United States, Beckham is a star player in something called soccer. Anyway, Beckham denied the allegation claiming, “Have you seen my accuser? She looks like a man. I would never have sex with a woman who looks like a man…except for my wife.” (BR)

Cavaliers guard Mo Williams recently revealed that he was thinking about quitting the game when LeBron James left Cleveland to play in Miami . He said he lost his desire and love of the game…but quickly got it back when he learned that working at McDonalds didn’t pay him the 9-million a year he makes in the NBA. (BR)

Michael Vick had his best game since returning from prison in the Eagles’ 28-3 rout of the Jaguars. The best news, nobody contracted herpes. (BD)

Jimmie Johnson took a big step toward another Sprint Cup Championship as he won the race at Dover today. It was a very emotional day for car racing fans as many men in the stands celebrated Johnson’s win by embracing their wives/sisters. (BD)

In Car Racing news....actually there is nothing to talk about in car racing. I just like saying car racing. (BR)

NBA camps will open soon and you have to respect the Lakers for going out and upgrading their team, especially the signing of back-up point guard Steve Blake. You also have to admire Blake's improbable journey from banjo playing kid in Deliverance to the NBA champs. (BR)

Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer insisted that he ran a clean program despite another player arrest this week, bringing the total to 30 arrests under his direction. Dave Bliss disagreed and said, “Meyer is a slimeball. I’d be embarrassed to run a program that dirty…oh wait. Nevermind.” (BR)

Saints Running BackReggie Bush returned his Heisman Trophy to the Heisman trust after he was ruled ineligible when he won the award in 2005. Bush said returning the trophy was not an admission of guilt. Yeah, just like Tiger Woods’ divorce was not necessarily an admission that he slept with dozens of skanks. (BR)

Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki is red hot with 14 homers and 34 RBI’s in the month of September. Or in other words, the opposite of the Pirates entire starting lineup. (BR)

Joe Torre is retiring as manager of the Dodgers after the season. The Dodgers retired on Torre last month. (BR)

Brett Favre threw 3 interceptions today in a loss to the Dolphins. Vikings Head Coach Brad Childress has given Favre the option to reconsider coming out of retirement. (BR)

Former Tennessee Head Coach Philip Fulmer called former Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin ‘arrogant.’ Kiffin, the current USC coach said, “I’m not going to get involved in a verbal war with Fulmer, a washed up windbag who is fat, bald and bitter and whose wife isn’t nearly as hot as mine. I’m taking the high road on this one.” (BR)

A 33-year old Ohio woman was arrested for flashing her breasts at players at a youth football game. The woman said, “This being Ohio and all, I thought it was acceptable behavior. My bad.” (BR)

Archie Manning is a proud dad tonight with his son’s Eli and Peyton squaring off against each other. When asked how his other son Cooper was doing, Archie said, “Who?” (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT…9-12-10

Tampa Bay Buccaneers TE Kellen Winslow ran over and waved a Bucs flag in front of the sideline of his former team the Cleveland Browns in a taunting act during pre-game introductions. This beat out his original idea, mimicking wrecking a motorcycle in a parking lot and never accomplishing anything on the field. (BD)

Dayton, OH will host what the NCAA is calling the First Four, the four play-in games for the NCAA Tournament. Once again the NCAA showing it’s mean streak forcing eight teams having to play an extra tournament game wasn’t bad enough they have to do it in lovely Dayton. (BD)

MLB gave the Cincinnati Reds special permission to honor Pete Rose on the 25thanniversary of his hit that broke Ty Cobb’s all time mark. The only downer is Jim Gray couldn’t be there because he was busy planning an ambush on Cory Pavin. (BD)

The Seahawks won today 31-6 over the 49ers in Pete Carroll’s return to the NFL. Carroll was a little surprised he was so successful today since quote, “I haven’t been burdened by a salary cap for so long." (BR)

The USA won the FIBA World Championship today by beating Turkey 81-64. Dozens of Americans were pumped up. (BR)

United States Women’s Basketball coach Geno Auriemma has expressed hope for a quick end to the WNBA Finals as the World Championships start later this week in Czech Republic. Auriemma’s wish would be consistent with everyone else’s with one minor tweak. No WNBA Finals. (BD)

In his post-game press conference following a win over the Bengals, Patriots WR Randy Moss said, “some don’t want to see me do good.” I couldn’t agree more and I think I can identify the culprits as over anxious fans followed closely by the English Language. (BD)

The Broncos 24-17 loss was held up for 33 minutes because of a lightning delay. If not for the presence of Broncos back-up QB Tim Tebow the delay likely would have lasted much much longer. (BD)

The Jets were going to celebrate their Super Bowl title before their game tomorrow night at the New Giants Stadium. However, Commissioner Roger Goodell told the Jets they have to actually win the Super Bowl first before they hold any celebrations. (BR)

The Steelers won their opener 15-9 over the Falcons today. Suspended quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was pumped up as he watched the game from a lounge in a girls dormitory at the University of Pittsburgh. (BR)

Cal wiped out Colorado yesterday 52-7 yesterday in Berkeley. An apprehensive Pac 10 Commissioner Larry Scott said following the game, “Maybe we should have invited Northern Colorado to join our conference instead.” (BR)

Tennessee football coach Derek Dooley thinks improper showering techniques are behind a rash of staph infections in the football program so he gave them a lesson in showering. Now if he only knew a good way to rid the program of armed robbery he would be home free. (BD)

Ohio State QB Terrell Pryor referred to Miami Heat forward LeBron James as his mentor. Things LeBron is teaching his protégé include, how to stab your hometown in the back and DECISION making. (BD)

A study conducted by the University of Florida suggests there is a direct correlation between college football home games and alcohol related arrests. In related news water is wet and Bill is delusional about Notre Dame Football. (BD)

Pittsburgh Penguins forward Sidney Crosby took batting practice with the Pirates this week. Crosby hit one into the right field seats, thus earning him the honor of Pirates 2010 MVP. (BR)

Florida high school football player Nick O’Leary, the grandson of golfing great Jack Nicklaus, has been suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture to fans at a game in Ohio. Miami and Florida State immediately offered O’Leary a scholarship. (BR)

Congress is still gathering evidence in the Roger Clemens case. Clemens has been charged with lying to congress, something congress has never done to us. (BR)

Pittsburgh Penguin Sidney Crosby hit a home run at batting practice for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Patrick Kane of the Blackhawks was not impressed saying, “when he punches out an overmatched cabbie come talk to me.” (BD)

University of Kentucky basketball recruit Enes Kanter might be in violation of the NCAA’s amateur status as he played professionally in Turkey earning $100,000 last season. Upon learning of his recruit’s financial status Kentuckycoach John Calipari said, “well that’s one less Escalade I guess.” (BD)

In a shocking development Tennessee Basketball coach Bruce Pearl admitted to lying to the NCAA. Admitting his faults publicly will undoubtedly have to be one of the hardest things Pearl will have to do, but once it’s over he can go back to making millions and millions of dollars. (BD)

Troy Tulowitzki has been on fire for the Rockies while sporting the best mullet in baseball. Tulo has also earned millions of fans Canada as well since the mullet is the official hairstyle of our neighbors to the north. (BR)

A man in New York was arrested for DUI after he was stopped while driving a golf cart on a main road. The man said he was driving the golf cart because it gets better gas mileage than his SUV...and because he was drunk. (BR)

Rockies rookie Chris Nelson stole home on Thursday to beat the Reds. However, a guilty conscience after the game prompted Nelson to return the dish to the Coors Field grounds crew. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...9-5-10 (No Brett this week)

The Arizona Cardinals released QuarterbackMatt Leinart. The former Southern Cal QB said, “I’ve never warmed up to the NFL game. Probably because I made more in college compared to the paltry NFL paychecks.” (BR)

CaliforniaCongresswoman Grace Napolitano is sponsoring a bill that provides comprehensive mental health programs to school children. And who did Napolitano ask to speak to children about mental health? Lakers forward Ron Artest…which is like asking Charles Manson to speak at a family issues conference. (BR)

Washington Nationals outfielder Nyger Morgan has been suspended by baseball for a total of 15-games for two infractions…first, for throwing a ball at a fan in the stands. Secondly, for charging the mound against the Marlins and starting a brawl. Morgan credited his behavior to taking in one of Ron Artest’s mental health classes. (BR)

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says there is a plan in place for a 22-game NFL season. Jones, between visits to his plastic surgeon said, “Hey, it’s not my brains that are being scrambled. I think we should play 162 games like baseball. I have to pay for this stadium somehow.” (BR)

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt says he will give soccer a shot once he retires from trackand field or he’s hit with a 2-year ban for illegal drug use, whichever comes first. (BR)

A golfer in California, while hitting out of the rough, hit a rock which created a spark and resulting in a 12-acre blaze which took 150 firefighters to put out. Hey Casey, were you in California earlier this week? (BR)

There was a fight earlier this week at the U-S Open between a couple of loudmouth fans. That was about the only excitement generated this week in tennis. (BR)

Nebraska trampled Western Kentucky 49-10 in their season opener. Huskers coach Bo Pellini said, “And it doesn’t get any easier for us either. We got Idaho and South Dakota State coming up.” (BR)

The Pittsburgh Pirates unveiled a statue of Bill Mazeroski, who’s home run in 1960 won the World Series. Mazeroski recalled that 1960 season fondly saying, “We had a great team…and I believe it’s the last Pirates team to post a winning record too.” (BR)

The sad thing about the new Bill Mazeroski statue in Pittsburgh is that it cost more than the current team’s entire payroll. (BR)

West Virginia basketball players Joe Mazzula and Dalton Pepper were cited for urinating in public this weekend. Meanwhile, the Mountaineers PR department took advantage of the situation by announcing plans to market the pair as the "The Whiz Kids." (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...8-29-10

Former Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden remains bitter that he was forced out last year by school PresidentT.K. Wetherell. Wetherell said he is sad that his relationship with Bowden is strained but added, "I hated to get rid of Bobby but when he started talking about resurecting the Wing-T and the flying wedge, I knew it was time to send him out to pasture." (BR)

A baseball fan in Richmond , Virginia has been banned for life from a minor league ballpark after throwing a foul ball at the opposing team pitcher and hitting him. The story gets worse. Following the incident he was signed by the Cubs. (BR)

Oregon State linemman Tyler Thomas was kicked off the team after he was arrested on charges that he entered a stranger's home while intoxicated and naked. Police used a stun gun on Thomas to subdue him after he took a three-point stance and charged the officers. Former Miami Coach Jimmie Johnson was shocked and said, "They kicked the kid out for that? Man, that was just another night in South Beach back in the day!" (BR)br

The United States men’s national basketball team will play Iran in the FIBA World Championships on Wednesday and the word out of Tehran is that the state-run media is having a very hard time coming up with a believable story that it was in fact Iran that won the game by 75 points. (BD)

Texas Tech athletic director Gerald Myers will step down from his post after a 14-year run in 2011. In a statement Myers said, “when you get up everyday and their isn’t even a remote chance your basketball coach will berate the chancellor at a local salad bar, then you know it’s time to call it a career.” (BD)

Nebraska coach Bo Pelini may have decided on a starting QB, but he isn’t saying who it is. Incumbent starter Zac Lee is competing with RS freshman Taylor Martinez and sophomore Cody Green for the honor of leading a boring and slow offense that television executives call “ratings death.” (BD)

Maurice Clarett, recently released from prison, is hoping a judge in Ohio will allow him to travel to Nebraska to try out for the Omaha Nighthawks of something called the United Football League. Clarett said, "I really want to become a role model for kids who may have gotten into some trouble. I want to show them that they can overcome anything and reach their goals and dreams. I want to become a positive influence in people's lives. I also really could use the 50-bucks a game they promised me." (BR)

Former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher said he is pleased that suspended Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is showing signs of maturity following sexual assualt allegations. Cowher added, "I'm really proud of the strides Ben has made. Still, there is no way I'd let that freak anywhere near my daughters." (BR)

In competitive pageantry, Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarrete , won the Miss Universe contest on Monday night. The next evening, Navarrete and her family wildly celebrated the achievement at their home in Commerce City. (BR)

USC has named sophomore Marc Tyler as the starting running back for their season opener against Hawaii on Thursday night. Tyler beat out Allen Bradford who led the team in rushing last season. Tyler becomes the lowest paid player to ever start a season opener for the Trojans. (BD)

Elin Nordegren broke her silence in an interview with People magazine this week. It was the first time she has spoken publicly since the Tiger Woods scandal began. When asked what the most important thing she has done since the incident Nordegren said, “probably getting tested for VD upon finding out about Tiger’s exploits with that laundry list of skanks.” (BD)

Dan Hawkins, who is 16-33 as the football coach at the University of Colorado, recently confirmed that he requested a contract extension from athletic director Mike Bohn. When asked why he requested a 3-year extension, Hawkins said, “because asking for four might be perceived as ridiculous.” (BD)

New Mexico women's soccer player Elizabeth Lambert was reinstated to the team. Lambert was the player who became an internet video sensation after her dirty play and dangerous tactics against BYU.Officials are cautious about Lambert's return, especially for this season’s New Mexico-BYU game. Security will be tight as they expect attendance for that game to double...to 12. (BR)

Allen High School in Texas is building an 18,000 seat football stadium at a cost of 59.6 million dollars. When asked by a reporter if the school will suffer in academic areas due to budget shortfalls, the Allen High Athletic Director said, "Of course we'll suffer academically. What a stupid question. But you have realize, we're talking Allen High football here." (BR)

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones weighed in on the 59.6 million dollar Allen High Stadium by saying, "My stadium is better." (BR)

With no end in sight to his holdout, Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis has gone home. When asked what he will do while at home to pass the time Revis said, “probably work out, run, and try to memorize the names and ages of Antonio Cromartie’s children.” (BD)

Roger Clemens will be indicted on federal perjury charges tomorrow and the Rocket is not going down quietly as he has proclaimed his innocence many times via Twitter. Publishers see a best-selling book in Clemens’ future, it will be called, “How to Screw Yourself by Pissing off Federal Prosecutors with 21st Century Technology.” (BD)

The International Olympic Committee is concerned that the Super Bowl will conflict with the 2014 Winter Games if the NFL’s proposed 18-game schedule becomes a reality. And it gets worse for the IOC. I’m not sure if they’re aware of this or not but the Pro Bowl being played the week before the Super Bowl was only a one year experiment. (BD)

Chad Ochocinco was fined 25-thousand dollars by the league for "tweeting" during the Bengals exhibition game against the Eagles. Ochocinco said, "25-grand may not seem like much for me, a guy making millions. But damn, that money will come in handy when I'm flat broke 2-years after I'm done playing." (BR)

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin officially divorced on Monday. A somber Woods said, "I'm disappointed in Elin but we had to part ways. While I can offer no proof, I suspect that she was cheating on me." (BR)

The Nuggets named Masai Ujiri as their new General Manager. Carmelo Anthony responded by mumbling, “We have Ujiri as our GM? That’s awesome, I’m going to remain a Denver Nugget!....Just kidding. I’m outta here.” (BR)

Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly said this week that NBC’s commercial breaks might get in the way of his fast paced offense. NBC responded by reiterating their joy for paying millions of dollars for the TV rights of a six win football program that gets pushed around by service academies. (BD)

Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald punished two of his players for fighting by making them walk a lap around the field while holding hands. TWIS favorite and Olympic gold medalistBrian Boitano said, “now that’s a team I can get behind.” (BD)

After flirting with football independence and WAC membership for all other sports, BYU now appears to be staying in the Mountain West. WAC commissioner Carl Benson, left with just six members in his league, will make his next move in what can only be described as trying to completely destroy his league. (BD)

The Chicago Bulls plan on building a statue to honor former player Scottie Pippen. When told of the gesture, Pippen said, “Yeah that’s nice and all but I really prefer the cash.” (BR)

63-year old Detroit Lions fan Joe Paquette walked 425 miles from his home in upper Michigan to the team’s training facility. Paquette said he was doing it to inspire the team. Little did he know he would be handed a helmet, pads and uniform and told he was now the Lions starting middle linebacker. (BR)

Texas and Southern Cal have agreed to play a home and home series in 2017 and 2018. Meanwhile, Nebraska announced that they are working on scheduling a series against the Univeristy of Vermont. When told that Vermont doesn’t have a football team, Athletic Director Tom Osborne said, “I know.” (BR)

The University of North Carolina football program received more bad news this week after possible academic misconduct allegations surfaced to go along with players allegedly being illegally courted by agents. AD Dick Barbbour hired Butch Davis to run and clean and respectable program, and when asked about the current problems, Barbbour said, “one out of two ain’t bad.” (BD)

The University of Michigan will no longer allow smoking in Michigan Stadium during football games. It is all a part of their plan to bring their fanbase out of the 1960s. Michigan is expecting this move to be a success but getting them off the rotary phone will be no walk in the park. (BD)

The Chicago White Sox have acquired Manny Ramirez off the waiver wire from the Los Angeles Dodgers to boost their team for the stretch run. Everyone in the White Sox organization was on board with the move with the notable exception of the traveling secretary. (BD)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...8-22-10

Roger Clemens was indicted this week by a grand on perjury charges for allegedly lying to congress regarding performance enhancing drugs. Lawyer Rusty Hardin said that Clemens is looking forward to his day in court.I see two problems for Clemens…A) He lied to congress and B) His lawyer’s name is Rusty. (BR)

About 40-people were injured at a bullfight in Spain when an angry bull jumped the fence into the crowd. The bull in question said, “If you think I’m going to run around the ring while some fruity looking guy in a gay caballeros outfit sticks spears into me then you’re dumber than this so-called sport.” (BR)

Forward Troy Murphy is excited at being traded from the Pacers to the Nets, claiming that as a kid growing up in New Jersey he was a die-hard Nets fan. To which GM Billy King said to Murphy, “So, you were the one.” (BR)

Jayson Williams, the one with a Y in his name and the one who shot his limo driver while twirling a shotgun, had a year tacked on to his five year prison sentence after he pleaded guilty to DWI. This gives Williams one more year to do his new hobby…impressing fellow inmates by twirling rusty shanks. (BD)

Attorneys for Karen Sipher, the woman convicted of extorting Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, have accused some of the prosecution’s witnesses of lying. The hang-up is over the witnesses referring to Sipher as a whore when she is in fact a skank whore. (BD)

A grass roots movement is underway to change the name of the activity now known as fantasy football. Fantasy dorks are not happy though with the early leaders which are “Female Repellent” and “Dungeons and Dragons on Grass.” (BD)

Nebraska football fans are anxiously looking forward to home games this season against Western Kentucky, Idaho and South Dakota State. Athletic Director Tom Osborne said, “And the schedule gets even easier next season when we join the Big 10!” (BR)

Former NBA player and Michigan State standout Jay Vincent was indicted on charges that he ran an internet job scam that bamboozled about 20,000 people out of about 2-million dollars. Plaxico Burress shook his head at the news and said, “He’s giving us Michigan State guys a bad rep.” (BR)

NBA free agent Delonte West has gotten a 10-game suspension from the league after pleading guilty to weapons possession charges. Plaxico Burress weighed in again from prison and said, “Damn, I should have gotten his lawyer.” (BR)

In an interview this week NFL Draft Guru Mel Kiper Jr listed Notre Dame QB Dayne Crist, among others, as a signal caller with big shoes to fill. Further proof that Notre Dame is elite when “filling big shoes” is defined by replacing a QB with a sub-.500 record whose biggest win came against Hawaii. (BD)

Arvydas Sabonis of Lithuania and Vlade Divac of Serbia will be inducted into the International Basketball Federation’s Hall of Fame. The Hall honors players performance in Olympic Games and World Championships. The two are expected to take their rightful place in the ugly wing. (BD)

The NASCAR Nationwide Series will be cutting purses by 20% for the 2011 racing season. It is not all bad news for minor league car racers because NASCAR has also said they could get the purses back to pre-cut level if they could just find someone to recycle all the beer cans that are hurled onto the track. (BD)

Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader Mary Delgado was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Florida. The arresting officer asked her about her “glassy eyes” and Delgado responded, “You’d be glassy eyed too if you saw as many Bucs games as I did. Now buy me a drink big boy.” (BR)

Fresno State and Nevada are leaving the Western Athletic Conference to join the Mountain West Conference. WAC Commissioner Karl Benson reportedly asked the Mountain West, “Hey, can you guys take Louisiana Tech too?” (BR)

Brigham Young is exploring becoming an Independent in football and emulating Notre Dame. BYU president Cecil Samuelson said, “I’m hoping the make Brigham Young the Notre Dame of the West! Our fans are really excited…well, except for the part about us becoming Catholic.” (BR)

Former Seton Hall basketball coach Bobby Gonzalez settled a wrongful termination suit with the school. A dollar amount was not disclosed to the media, but Seton Hall did make the settlement contingent on Gonzalez halting his hobby of shoplifting. (BD)

The Pittsburgh Steelers have been very happy with the performances of both Byron Leftwich and Dennis Dixon, one of whom will be their starting QB for the first six games of the regular season while regular starter Ben Roethlisberger serves a suspension. And even better for one of the replacements is that they haven’t been accused of sexual assault…twice. (BD)

Redskins DT Albert Haynesworth was unhappy he had to play into the third quarter in Washington’s preseason game against Baltimore saying, “that is a time to play the backups and rookies, and you could probably make a case for playing someone for being a fat tub of lard that took four attempts to pass a physical, that’s it.” (BD)

Brett Favre addressed the Vikings this week, stressing his commitment to the team. Farve said, “I’m with you guys 100-percent, that’s why I was at all the off-season workouts, that’s why I showed up early to camp. This is 1996 and I’m in Green Bay, right?” (BR)

Lou Piniella managed his final game today with the Cubs as the Braves beat Chicago 16-5. Lou said, “I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank my team. Yeah, thanks for nothing you losers.” (BR)

New York Giants QB Rhett Bomar played the entire game of the G-Men’s preseason game against Pittsburgh due to injuries to Eli Manning and Jim Sorgi. When asked how it felt Bomar looked back to his days at Oklahoma saying, “this is the greatest thing to happen to me since that fanboy car dealer used to pay me thousands of dollars for doing no work.” (BD)

Raiders WR Darius Hayword-Bey missed a practice this week because he was tired. Apparently the 2009 #7 overall draft pick has decided the best way to get his teammates to resent him is to be overpaid AND lazy. (BD)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...8-15-10

An abundance of new sports talk radio shows have popped up on the crowded Denver landscape and so far the reviews suggest that the new shows have a lot in common with the old ones...in that they are predictable, repetetive, and creatively bankrupt. (BD)

Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart is said to be "psyched" about being the team's starter and names it his second greatest accomplishment after, as he puts it, "procuring Nick Lachey as his BFF." (BD)

South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia said that he is "totally focused" on leading South Carolina to an SEC Championship and that his off-the-field problems are behind him. When asked for an example of his newfound focus Garcia said he only gets blacked out drunk three times per week now. (BD)

The blistering heat in Texas may be a barrier for the Rangers signing pitcher Cliff Lee who wilted in 99-degree temperatures in a game against the Yankees on Wednesday. One concession the Rangers plan to offer Lee is the option to pitch naked on really hot days. (BR)

PennState Football Coach Joe Paterno said that he hasn’t yet decided on a starting quarterback. When reading that in the newspaper, school president Graham Spanier said, “That guy is still coaching? For real? What, is he like 100?” (BR)

The University of Georgia has hired Greg McGarity as their new athletic director. McGarity made no promises except that he, quote, “Wouldn’t be caught driving drunk with a pantiless young woman who isn’t my wife like my dumbass predecessor.” (BR)

Jets RB LaDanian Tomlinson expressed disappointment over comments made by former teammates Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates. Tomlinson said new teammates Mark Sanchez and Braylon Edwards are much more accepting of his sulking and pouting. (BD)

LeBron James has already started working with new teammates Chris Bosh and Dwyayne Wade in preparation for the upcoming season. They have said they will start working on pick and rolls and helpside defense as soon as they get the most important thing out of the way...choreographing a routine for pre-game introductions. (BD)

Referee Jeff Triplette's field mic picked up expletives uttered by him aimed at the replay official after he wanted to review a TD scored by Steelers QB Dennis Dixon against the Lions. Fans were most offended later in the game when Triplette made fun of the over-abundance of adults wearing jerseys. (BD)

New MexicoState Football Coach Dewayne Walker has banned the team from twitter. Apparently back up guard Larry Twitter has a really, really bad rash and Walker doesn’t want the team to get infected. (BR)

IowaState ’s soccer complex was flooded due to heavy rain in Ames. When asked if the soccer team was safe, an IowaState spokesman said, “I think so, but to be honest, I really don’t know. Remember, we’re only talking about soccer players here, not football or basketball players.” (BR)

With fantasy football gearing up for another season certain activities are expected to spike as an unintended consequence, namely people making anonymous threats to others on internet message boards and abstinence. (BD)

USC football coach Lane Kiffin said that he uses President Obama as a model when he deals with crisis. The president responded by saying that he wished he was a model for more honorable people like Jerry Tarkanian, Kelvin Sampson, or Dave Bliss. (BD)

It was reported last week on TWIS that Isiah Thomas would take a consulting role with the New York Knicks. This week Thomas decided to walk away from the position after realizing that Knicks employees are already being sexually harrassed adequetely. (BD)

Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony has committed to playing for the United States in the 2012 London Olympics. Melo said, “I’m really looking forward to representing my country and the New York Knicks.” (BR)

The Philadelphia 76ers have named Rod Thorn president. Barack Obama responded by saying, “Hey, they can’t do that, I’m the President.” (BR)

Scottie Pippin was inducted in the the basketball hall of fame. Pippin is best remembered as being the sidekick to Michael Jordan for six championship teams with the ChicagoBulls. Pippin had an uncanny way of playing many positions, guarding the opponent's best player, and squandering every penny he ever earned. (BD)

The All England Club, which will be the tennis venue for the 2012 Olympics, will wave its rule requiring players to wear white during the games. Andre Agassi, who missed several Wimbledon's early in his career protesting the all white rule, said "this is the greatest thing to happen since crystal meth." (BD)

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger changed his official home town in the Steeler media guide after residents of his actual home town of Findley, OH criticized his off the field conduct. Roethlisberger can avoid the criticism in the future by not assaulting women in bathrooms of seedy bars in small Georgia towns. (BD)

Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez was arrested this week for beating up his father-in-law. Meanwhile, several Mets have said they would like to introduce KO-Rod to their mother-in-laws. (BR)

Reggie Bushapologized to new Southern Cal Athletic Director Pat Haden for the sanctions levied on USC. A contrite Bush said, if he had to do it all over again….he would! (BR)

12-year old golfer Brad Dalke has accepted a scholarship to play at Oklahoma. Since he reads at a 5thgrade level, he’s already academically qualified to matriculate at OU. (BR)

Indiana Pacers rookie Lance Stephenson was arrested after pushing his girlfriend down a flight of stairs. Stephenson has never shown signs that he is capable of this kind of behavior, unless you count the time he punched a player in his own highlight video and assaulted a 17 year-old girl while still in high school. (BD)

Anthony Davis of Chicago has chosen to play his college basketball at Kentucky choosing the Wildcats over the hometown DePaul Blue Demons. And just so it’s clear Davis had that brand new Escalade long before he ever met John Calipari. (BD)

HoustonTexansLB Brian Cushing has cited Overtrained Athlete Syndrome as the reason he violated the NFL’s substance abuse policy and is facing a four-game suspension. When asked for comment Saints RB and fellow USC Trojan Reggie Bush said, “doesn’t he know how ridiculous that explanation sounds?” (BD)

Patrick Kane of the StanleyCup Champion ChicagoBlackhawks spent his day with the cup by taking it to the top of a ladder truck in downtown Buffalo. Kane was said to be extremely disappointed when he did not find a cab driver to beat up upon reaching the top. (BD)

New Texas Tech Head Coach Tommy Tubervillehas closed practices to the media. This will allow him to place wide receiver Adam James in his customary practice spot in the equipment shed without the scrutiny that former coach Mike Leach faced. (BR)

Rams first round pick, quarterback Sam Bradford was sacked four times in his pro debut Saturday. After the game Bradford said, “I’m not one to criticize my teammates…but my offensive line blows. Is it too late to go back to Oklahoma? (BR)

Former Jazz great Karl Malone was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame and following the ceremony generously gave his Hall of Fame jacket to a young boy in a wheel chair. The youngster also wanted Malone’s NBA Championship ring…but… well, you know. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...8-8-10

The University of Kentucky has denied a Chicago Sun-Times report that recruit Anthony Davis was offered $200,000 to play basketball at the school. Coach John Calipari was said to be completely insulted at the notion that he would pay one of his players so little. (BD)

University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich said basketball coach Rick Pitino remained a “grand ambassador” to the university. Jurich said “every grand ambassador goes through a time where they have sexual relations with the wife of one of their employees then completely embarrass themselves when the lurid details come to light.” (BD)

David Beckham is expected to rejoin the Los Angeles Galaxy next month. Beckham tore his Achilles tendon while playing for AC Milan last March. Experts believe Beckham’s return could garner so much attention that the team could move all the way up to page 8 in the LA Times Sports section. (BD)

Broncos sack specialist Elvis Dumervil will likely miss the season after tearing a chest muscle Wednesday at practice. To which Broncos fan Casey Bloyer said, “Damn. This is the worst news ever.” (BR)

In another Dumervil related story, Brett Davis said that he only wishes he had a chest muscle to pull. (BR)

We all know the Broncos have been hit extremely hard this camp by injuries. How bad has it been though? Well, Alan Alda has been seen roaming the halls at Dove Valley. (BR)

Shaquille O’Neal is looking for a new nickname after signing with the Boston Celtics. The early front runners appear to be The Big Leprechaun and the Big Shamrock. People with a brain however prefer him to be called, “The Big washed up narcissist that is too old to be making up nicknames for himself.” (BD)

Ole Miss football coach Houston Nutt has signed a zero tolerance contract with Oregon transfer QB Jeremiah Masoli. Nutt said he thinks that Masoli will be on his best behavior and that he is a believer in fifth chances. (BD)

Navy, who most people with common sense would agree is the best independent football program in the country, is getting some flack for their weak scheduling. The criticism appears to be legitimate with the Midshipmen having walkover games with the likes of Louisiana Tech, Duke, Arkansas State, and Notre Dame dotting their schedule. (BD)

Tiger Woods golf game continues to falter. Not only is he struggling on the course he’s striking out off the course as well, blaming “That damn sexaholic clinic”. (BR)

Karen Sypher, the nymphomaniac slutbag who tried to extort money from Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, was found guilty and will go to prison. Meanwhile, the warden of the Kentucky State Correctional Facility was apparently was pleased with the verdict. (BR)

One guy happy that Brett Favre is wavering about coming back to the Vikings is Sage Rosenfels. Not because he wants to play but it reminds people that he is still pulling down an NFL paycheck to hold a clipboard and wear his hat backwards. (BR)

Emmitt Smith entered the Pro Football Hall of Fame on Saturday night. Notably absent from Smith’s speech was the English language which was said to be hiding under a table somewhere to minimize its own destruction. (BD)

One thing Emmitt Smith did not mention during his speech was the University of Florida despite Gators coach Urban Meyer being in attendance. Meyer decided not to bully Smith into answering why he didn’t mention Florida because Smith isn’t a newspaper reporter who is 5’5” and 150 pounds. (BD)

Broncos rookie QB Tim Tebow was given a very strange haircut by LB Wesley Woodyard as a way to build team chemistry. The funny and creative sports talk radio hosts that Denver is famous for breathed a sigh of relief in that they will now have something to talk about for three straight hours on Monday. (BD)

Redskins d-lineman Albert Haynesworth’s knee is fine after an MRI. The problem is with his empty head. Meanwhile, Haynesworth could not finish the Ironman triathlon. Watching it on TV that is. (BR)

The Cavaliers signed former Nuggets forward Joey Graham. The Okie State product said he was looking forward to playing with Lebron James. Apparently news travels slowly to Graham’s residence in Stillwater, Oklahoma. (BR)

Alabama Athletic Director Mal Moore received a 3-year extension from the school and a 6-figure pay raise. An appreciative Moore said, “Thank God for Nick Saban!” (BR)

Former Giants RB Tiki Barber appeared on the TV show Entertainment Tonight with his homewrecker girlfriend Traci Johnson where Johnson said, “plenty of people do what we did.” She has a point, plenty of people get involved with retired football players turned up-and-coming broadcaster while their wife is 6 months pregnant and turn the once promising broadcasting career of the former player into a radioactive mess that a network wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. (BD)

The last place Pittsburgh Pirates fired pitching coach Joe Kerrigan and bench coach Gary Varsho on Sunday. Baseball experts everywhere agree that this is just what the Pirates needed to get over the hump. (BD)

Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez hit his long awaited 600th career home run this week. The 600 home run club welcomed its first member that wears purple lip stick and employs a life coach. (BD)

A college basketball fan walking in downtown Philadelphia encounterd a man begging for money and gave him a couple of bucks. Yep, ESPN Bracketologist Joe Lunardi can’t wait for March Madness. (BR)

Alex Rodriguez belted his 600th career homer on Wednesday afternoon. A-Rod gave credit to God, his family, his teammates…..and steroids. (BR)

In car racing news, Pocono Raceway in Pennsylvania is taking steps to make the track safer. Officials plan to increase safety by eliminating car racing. (BR)

West Virginia University’s football program was accused of five major violations that occurred on the watches of both Rich Rodriguez and current coach Bill Stewart. The news left the people of West Virginia extremely confused because only ten percent of the state’s population knew the meaning of the word, “violation.” (BD)

Former Knicks and current Florida International University head coach Isiah Thomas was re-hired by the Knicks as a consultant and will perform that job concurrently with his FIU head coaching gig. Knicks owner James Dolan cited several areas where Isiah could be beneficial namely boneheaded trades and embarrassing sexual harassment lawsuits. (BD)

Terrell Owens said that he was “prematurely let go” from the Dallas Cowboys and that if Jerry Jones had the “ultimate decision making power” that he would still be with America’s Team. In questioning whether Jones has “ultimate decision making power” Owens must be assuming that football fans everywhere have never noticed that Jerry Jones’ title with the Cowboys is…OWNER. (BD)

President Obama attended a WNBA game last week. The President said he wanted some quiet time alone. (BR)

Florida State wide receiver Jarmon Fortson has been kicked off the team for multiple drug violations. Former Seminoles head coach Bobby Bowden said, “This wouldn’t have happened if I was still the head coach Dadgummit.” (BR)

Shaquille O’Neal signed this past week with the Celtics. One reason O’Neal signed with the Celts is because of Boston’s large Irish population. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...8-1, 2010

Former Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli has enrolled at Ole Miss and is expected to play for the Rebels this year. Oxford retailers are excited over this development because anti-theft devices for laptops are now flying off the shelves. (BD)

Testimony continued this week at the trial for Karen Sypher, the woman who has been accused of trying to extort Rick Pitino. A lot of disturbing details have come out about the parties involved with the main revelation being that Sypher is a dirty dirty whore. (BD)

A lot of disturbing details about Pitino are coming to the surface after he took the stand this week. It’s not all bad news for the Louisville coach as he should have a lucrative book deal coming…the book will be called, “How to do things the Rick Pitino Way…Getting Things Done in 15 Seconds or Less.” (BD)

ESPN baseball analyst Buck Showaltertook the Orioles managerial job. When asked why he would take on the task of managing the worst team in baseball, Showalter said, “You’d do anything to get away from John Kruk too.” (BR)

Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan is on the disabled list after he injured his knee slamming a pie into the face of teammate Wes Helms. Rockies closer Huston Street weighed in by saying, “Man, that Coghlan is injury prone.” (BR)

The Atlanta Braves acquired reliever Kyle Farnsworth not for his pitching ability but improve their club in bench clearing brawls. (BD)

A 17-year old Alabama boy shot a 57 in the second round of the Alabama Golf Association’s Boys Junior Championship. After the round the boy went back to doing what all teenage Alabama boys do…strumming a banjo and lusting after his first cousin. (BD)

Alex Rodriguez was left out of the starting line-up in the Yankees’ game against the Rays today. Rodriguez’s fatigue was not blamed on the dog days of summer and his relentless chase for his 600thhome run, but instead on a long day of manis and pedis. (BD)

Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman is angry with team managementand has not reported to training camp. Smart move by Merriman. He’s let the team know his stance…and it gives him more time to have the steroids clear his systyem. (BR)

Boise State President Bob Kustra said the University of Idaho has created a culture of “inebriated” and “nasty”fans. He made his remarks from outside his trailer after finishing off another case of beer. (BR)

Oklahoma State safety Victor Johnson was arrested for possession of a controlled substance and obstruction of a police officer. Johnson was upset at the publicity this has received and said, “Just because I’m an athlete this gets in the paper. The media didn’t make a big deal out of nobodies like Brett Davis who went to school here and got caught with drugs while hasslin’ the police.” (BR)

Ben Roethlisberger was said to be extremely nervous when taking reps with the first team at Steelers training camp. Head Coach Mike Tomlin was able to calm his QB by reminding him that none of the people in the huddle would be drunken college girls that he could take advantage of. (BD)

Washington Redskins DT Albert Haynesworth failed several conditioning tests this week. Coach Mike Shanahan made Haynesworth take the tests because he did not participate in the team’s offseason conditioning program. Judging from his inability to pass the tests it’s probably safe to assume the test did not judge how well Haynesworth could stomp on someone’s face as they lay defenseless on the ground. (BD)

The Cincinnati Bengals signed Terrell Owens this week to a one year deal further advancing their goal of trying to supplant the Raiders as the league’s official anti-idol. (BD)

Meanwhile, Broncos rookie quarterback Tim Tebow says he doesn’t feel like an NFL player just yet. He said, “Once I get into some pre-season games and start hanging out at the strip clubs I’ll feel like I‘ve arrived.” (BR)

Knicks forward Amare Stoudamire is in Israel trying to learn about the country and what might be his Jewish heritage. In a similar vain, Nuggets forward Chris “Birdman” Anderson is heading to the south side of Chicago to explore what might be his African-American heritage. (BR)

Ndamakong Suh’s agent Eugene Parker has conceded that his client won’t get as much guaranteed money as #1 overall pick Sam Bradford. In a related story captain obvious is reporting that the sky is blue and water is wet. (BD)

New England Patriots WR Wes Welker has returned to practicing full speed after he tore his ACL last season. Welker hopes to get back to being the guy that brain dead analysts compare every other white receiver to. (BD)

Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips defended his usage of rookie WR Dez Bryant after Bryant suffered a high ankle sprain in practice. Phillips said Owner Jerry Jones has a right to question the way he practices his players, following that up with…”Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go wash and wax Mr. Jones’ cars.” (BD)

Cincinnati Bengals OL Andre Smith has reported to camp weighing 370 pounds. The FCC has intervened saying the Bengals are banned from holding workouts with Smith while he is shirtless and cameras are rolling. (BD)

The Rangers made a trade for Nationals infielder Christian Guzman. Guzman, was perplexed by the deal, as were many others since he doesn’t know how to skate. (BR)

West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins recently broke several ribs in a fall in Las Vegas. The fall was due to taking meds on an empty stomach. I believe that story. It certainly couldn’t be because Huggins was drunk. We’ve never seen him staggering around in a drunken state…oh wait….. never mind. (BR)

The NCAA is exploring how student-athletes interact with agents. I’ll save them the trouble. Here’s how it goes down… “Hey kid, want some money?” “OK.” (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT.....July 25, 2010

Minnesota Vikings Head Coach Brad Childress visited Brett Favre in Hattiesburg, Mississippi this week. The first thing Chili said to Favre was, "Hello." The first thing Favre said to his coach was, "make me a sandwich." (BD)

Joe Namath and Curtis Martin will be among six Jets enshrined into the team's new Ring of Honor. In a flashback to maybe his most famous moment, Namath guaranteed...that he would probably embarrass himself after he was completely wasted. (BD)

The NCAA will investigate Georgia regarding several football players involved in the ongoing investigations at North Carolina and South Carolina. Their first question upon sitting down in the Athletic Director's office will undoubtedly be, "whose panties are those?" (BD)

The Cowboys signed first round draft pick Dez Bryant to an 11.8 million dollar contract. Considering his Oklahoma State education, financial analysts predict Bryant will be broke in 18-months. (BR)

Mike Ditka warned the NFL and Players Union not to be greedy in labor negotiations. He made his statement at a Chicago pizza hut while reaching across the table for the last slice. (BR)

The Cleveland Browns finally signed rookie quarterback Colt McCoy....making it official. McCoy's career is over. (BR)

Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban blasted the attempts at agents who prey upon their players and view them as prospective clients. When asked what he would do next, Saban responded honestly by saying, "probably go back to making millions and millions of dollars on the backs of free labor." (BD)

A person close to Saban is said to be livid at the coach for comparing agents to pimps. The person in question? His agent. (BD)

Highly recruited Cal-Berkeley recruit Chris Martin has decided to transfer from the school. When asked about his decision, Martin said he disagreed with Berkeley's ordinance that said people had to "reek." (BD)

Astros Pitcher Roy Oswalt says that if he's traded, he'd prefer to go to the Cardinals. Yeah, and I'd like to be married to Marissa Miller. As Mick Jagger once said, "You can't always git what you want." (BR)

Cubs Manager Lou Piniella announced he would retire at the conclusion of the season. When asked why he's retiring, Piniella said, "Because I manage the Cubs, that's why." (BR)

Former NHL standout Jeremy Roenick was selected to the United States Hockey Hall of Fame. When told of the honor, Roenick said, "There's a United States Hockey Hall of Fame?" (BR)

Jeremy Lin, who played basketball at Harvard, has signed with the Golden State Warriors. Being from Harvard, it did not take Lin long to quantitavely conclude that Oakland is a complete cesspool. (BD)

Notre Dame Head Coach Brian Kelly says that the eight players arrested for underage drinking will not be suspended but will instead be on a short leash. Not that any of this matters, because they will not play their first winnable game until week 7 when they host Western Michigan. (BD)

Former USC QB Pat Haden was named the school's athletic director this week, replacing Mike Garrett who took a retirement package from the school after the NCAA hit SC with probation for major violations. Haden said he is committed to ushering in a culture of compliance. When asked for comment, football coach Lane Kiffen said, "Oh crap!" (BD)

The Heisman Trophy Trust people said they didn't know what to do with the Heisman Trophy that was returned by Southern Cal due to the NCAA violations involving 2005 winner Reggie Bush. Weighing in from his Nevada jail cell, O.J. said, "I'll take it!" (BR)

The Major Leagues will begin testing for HGH in the minor leagues. Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez said, "I sure hope I don't get sent to Scranton in the near future." (BR)

North Carolina Football Coach Butch Davis said the NCAA's probe into possible recruiting violations, "came out of left field." Davis also added, "I always tell my coaches to never leave a paper trail so we should be good." (BR)

Kobe Bryant had knee surgery...nevermind, too easy. (BD)

Despite changing teams, LeBron James has said that he wants to continue to go by the nickname, "The King." Some believe it is time for James to go by a newer, more appropriate moniker like.... "Scottie Pippen." (BD)

The trial for that woman accused of extorting Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino is set to begin this week. Now all Pitino nees to avoid questioning is for a prominent U-S Senator to die. (BD)

Hornets Guard Chris Paul wants to be traded to the Knicks. Paul said, "I like New York. Plus, I'm not a big fan of the playoffs." (BR)

It has been a wild week for British Open winner Louis Oosthuizen with his new found fame. As a matter of fact, the golfer's mom now knows how to pronounce his name. (BR)

Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow walked on water the other day. Calm down everybody, calm down. He was just strolling through the parking lot at Dove Valley after a brief rain shower. (BR)

Alabama Football Coach Nick Saban is fed up with unscroupulous agents. The coach referred to them as "pimps." The U-P-A-A, the United Pimps Association of America is said to be "disgusted" by Saban's reckless comparison. (BR)

Golfer Tiger Woods lost approximately 22-million dollars in endorsements this year. Phil Mickelson piped in, "Yeah, and he lost his hot Swedish wife too!" (BR)

Former Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell pled "not guilty" to felony possession of codeine syrup. There is some good news though for J-Russ. At least his strep throat has cleared up. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...7-18-10

Former Packers Tight End Mark Chmura was inducted into the team’s Hall of Fame on Saturday. In a strange twist fliers promoting Chmura’s post-induction party were found on the windshields at several local high schools. (BD)

Tonya Harding married 42 year-old Joe Price in a small ceremony in Washington State in late June. The two met after Price posted a personals ad on Craigslist that said, “Looking for skanky, disgraced former figure skater that once hired thugs to take out her biggest rival.” (BD)

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away this week at the age of 80. The industry that is likely most affected by the Boss’ passing has to be low-level gamblers who can dig up dirt on star baseball players. (BD)

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner died this week at the age of 80. Upon getting to the pearly gates, he fired St. Peter. Then he rehired him upon learning he might end up in a much warmer place. (BR)

When former Red Sox pitcher Bill Lee heard that Steinbrenner died, he said, "Good. When hell freezes over he'll be skating." Even in retirement Lee remains politically correct. (BR)

Eleven Notre Dame football players were arrested over the weekend for underage drinking. I personally don’t see this as a sign that the Irish players are out of control, I see it for what it is, a convenient excuse that Bill Rogan will inevitably use when Notre Dame loses to Western Michigan. (BD)

Vanderbilt Head Coach Bobby Johnson resigned abruptly on Wednesday. Robbie Caldwell has been tagged as the interim coach for the 2010 season and his performance will indicate whether he will get the honor of getting his teeth kicked in for any seasons beyond that. (BD)

The Home Run Derby was held last Monday. It was won by Boston Red Sox DH David Ortiz and it reminded us simultaneously of how much we love the long ball and absolutely hate Chris Berman. (BD)

The National League won the All-Star game for the first time since 1996. 13-year old American League fan Timmy Scroggins says he's not handling it well. (BR)

The Tour De France continues, ironically in France. With Lance Armstrong out of the picture, every single American doesn't care. Just make sure the pastries are fresh and mix in a little deodorant. (BR)

John Daly shot an impressive opening round 66 at the British Open. Daly says he has completely changed his training regimen. He no longer sleeps till noon and he's down to just three packs of cigarettes a day. (BR)

American Brian Gay missed the cut at St. Andrews. He said his short game let him down. He also said that he hates his surname. (BR)

THIS WEEK IN SPORT...7-4-10

Ubaldo Jimenez won his 14th game on Monday despite giving up 4-runs and seeing his ERA balloon to 1.83. To which A.J. Burnett said, "See, I told you. That guy sucks!" (BR)

A Texas man tragically killed his 2-year old step daughter because she was crying while he was trying to watch the World Cup. One of his defense lawyers was confident the man would be acquitted because, "Hey, it's the World Cup!" (BR)

New Zealand got their first ever point in the FIFA World Cup on Winston Reid's goal during the 90th minute of the All Whites 1-1 draw against Slovakia. Rumor has it that George Preston Marshall's party in hell went on into the wee hours of the morning. (BD)

In an interview this week, 17 year-old Miley Cyrus said “I’m not trying to be slutty.” In a related story Tiger Woods told a reporter, “I’m a one woman kind of guy.” (BD)

Former tennis star Jennifer Capriati will be alright following her trip to the hospital for an accidental drug overdose. Capriati's handlers said, "We can't disclose what drugs Jen OD'ed from but we can tell you this, it wasn't crack or heroin this time." (BR)

A Mexican matador was arrested for breach of contract after he fled the bullfighting ring early in the fight. While we’re on the subject an editorial; countries that embrace bullfighting will never have to worry about being tagged with the following title: envy of the world. (BD)

Plans for a reality show about 16 year old Abby Sunderland’s solo trip around the world on a sail boat have been cancelled. Father Laurence Sunderland has cited creative differences as a reason for the cancellation. Meanwhile Richard Williams and Marv Marinovich are somewhere shaking their heads over Mr. Sunderland’s overt attempts at exploiting and profiting from his child. (BD)

TWIS favorite, Diego Maradona, is unsure about his future as manager of the Argentine National Football Team. My advice…if we haven’t heard from him in a month send out the search team to inspect all dumpsters in the greater Buenos Aires metropolitan area. (BD)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell questioned quarterback Michael Vick regarding his recent birthday party that saw a former dog fighting acquaintance get shot. Vick told the commissioner he no longer has an interest in dog fighting and that he's been rehabilitated. However, he did invite Goodell to accompany him to that night's cock fighting event in his friend Hector's basement. (BR)

United States soccer star Landon Donovan said he enjoyed his brief time in the global spotlight during the World Cup. He added though that he's looking forward to being just another regular, anonymous guy when he rejoins the LA Galaxy. (BR)

The North Korean squad, despite going 0-3 in the World Cup and getting outscored 12-1, returned home to a small welcoming committee. The 21-member committee greeted the team by handing out blindfolds while holding their rifles. In a related story, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and the government run news agency celebrated North Korea's 4th consecutive World Cup championship and their 4-0 victory over Brazil in the finals. (BR)

The World Cup might as well be over as there is no longer anything to root for after Paraguay’s 1-0 loss to Spain and thus the pledge from their superfan, Larissa Riquelme or Paraguay Girl as she has come to be known to run naked through the streets of Asuncion if the South American side won the World Cup. I guess since I have this forum I should note that I have a non-refundable ticket to Asuncion, Paraguay if anyone is interested please email us at artificialturf2003@yahoo.com. (BD)

Despite their nation’s absence from the FIFA World Cup that hasn’t stopped Colombians from celebrating the event. And they did so exactly how you probably thought they would, by fashioning a replica of the World Cup out of cocaine. (BD)

Germany routed Argentina to earn a spot in the FIFA World Cup Semi Finals and more importantly got sweet revenge 65 years in the making on all of those Nazis who betrayed the Third Reich by fleeing to the South American country and thus avoiding the impending Nuremburg Trials and definite imprisonment and possible execution. (BD)