I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best. I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments. This one began back in March 2018.

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip. I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know. Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something. That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess. But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you. Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him. Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2: Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day. In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim. Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door), Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania. Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down. The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me. Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other. It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am. Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior. Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim. That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong. When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event. She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike. I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un. They talk all day and night, laughing and joking. And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear. Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so. Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News. I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President. Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen. Now I must get back to my memoirs. Goodbye.

Scene 3: That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do! And then I feed bears to sharks. Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style. But I’ll settle for results. Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us. Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point. If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win? Who do you think I am, W? Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting. I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us? I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer. Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks. Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller. My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank. I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No! Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe. Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on. Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself. Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet. Look at it realistically. If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are. Everyone will fear and hate you. You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that. That would be bad for the Trump brand. Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank. But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you. You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way. Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey? I can’t have that. Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un. But you guys are gonna have to raise your game. If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

VPP – Mr. President, for Pete’s sake! I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller. Alright, what can I do for you?

PT – Hey, take it down a notch Mike. Remember you work for me.

VPP – Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people. You can’t fire me.

PT – Hmmm, I’ll look into that. Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.

VPP – Actually, it went very well. He hasn’t got me on his list of interviewees.

PT – Well, aren’t you special Mike! But don’t get any ideas about succession plans. I’m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you’ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.

VPP – Naturally Mr. President.

PT – So what did he want? I mean beside buttering you up.

VPP – He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.

PT – Good. I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it’s not as easy as you make it sound. Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.

PT – Oh wake up. All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room. You know the one. The one with the old table and chairs. The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue. I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked. Boy, that guy knew his stuff.

VPP – Oh, for the love of Mike! Mr. President, that’s a TV cop show. Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession. And even if he did, it’s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.

PT – You know Mike, you’re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President. You don’t seem to want to win.

VPP – Mr. President, focus! We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message. You can’t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics. We must be sober and above reproach.

PT – Fine. Do it your way. But I’m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere. I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don’t get to burn some witches?

VPP – But, oh never mind. Mr. President, I’ve got to go.

PT – Whatever.

(Mike Pence leaves the scene. President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer. Melania Trump enters the room.)

MT – Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike. He is so sad. I thought he would have cried!

PT – Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business. I thought he was very happy. I didn’t say anything. He must just be nervous or something. You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.

MT – I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry. That was very sad. And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad. You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues. It is too sad.

VPP – Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.

(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)

TVAWSLDP – We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information. Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate. Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.

VPP – Oh great Scott.

PT – I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs. You know the ones I mean. And I wanted to Sipowicz him. That’s modern cop-talk for slappin’ him around. But that was wrong. Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn’t have been fooled into confessing. Vice President Pence knew this and said so. But it ticked me off. And I said some not so nice things to him. The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do. What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff. Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses. It was sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos of Treason. So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him. Boy, it’s great to be rich.

But all that is beside the point. The main thing is I was mean to a friend. Mike Pence is a good guy. He isn’t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck. He’s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it’s definitely neat. He’s always polite to people and he doesn’t try to stab you in the back. He’s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that’s why I have Mad Dog. So Mike I’m sorry. Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work. We can even go to Arby’s tomorrow, my treat. Trump out.

KP – Oh, wasn’t that nice. He said he was sorry. I’ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.

VPP – Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge. I’m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.

Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 8:45 pm, directly before the State of the Union Address

TB – Good evening everyone and welcome to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address. I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and with me here is former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newton Gingrich. Welcome Mr. Speaker or may I call you Newt?

NG – Certainly Toffee, all my friends call me Newt.

TB – Thanks. Now as a former Speaker of the House you are intimately familiar with the protocol, let’s call it the nuts and bolts of this event. Can you share a little insight with our listeners about how this evening will progress?

NG – Well, normally the members of the administration and the Supreme Court will be announced by the Deputy Sergeant at Arms and when The President arrives at the Chamber door the Sergeant at Arms announces him to the Speaker. This is followed by a long walk filled with cheers and handshaking and embraces and when the President reaches the Rostrum the Speaker announces him to the Congress and after another lengthy round of applause the President begins his address. And during the address depending on the particular subject and the party of each of the attendees there could be applause, stony silence or recently even some booing. In fact, during one of then President Obama’s addresses, a Congressman shouted out “You lie!”

TB – Oh dear, how embarrassing. Do you expect we’ll experience any such breaches of civility tonight?

NG – Well Toffee, unless I miss my guess, I think we might see something a little more exciting tonight. Let’s just hope there won’t be any fisticuffs.

TB – Quite. So, I can see that the Sergeant at Arms is positioning himself so let’s shift over to the floor microphone.

SAA – Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!

TB – Well Mr. Speaker, you weren’t exaggerating. What a terrific up swelling of applause and ovation for this President. These congresspersons certainly love this President.

NG – Oh, far from it, Toffee. Most of these people despise Donald Trump but he’s just initiated a gigantic uptick in economic growth. Something that hasn’t been seen since Ronald Reagan. As long as he’s the stronger horse they’ll applaud. If things turn sour the knives will quickly come out.

TB – Ah, it’s good to see politics are the same everywhere. Well, it looks like Speaker Ryan is about to introduce the President to Congress. Let’s go to the Rostrum microphone and we’ll return after the address to review the high points.

PR – Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.

(Long and loud applause.)

PT – Thank you Mr. Speaker. Thank you, Paul. It feels strange to be thanking you Paul. Up until the tax overhaul bill I was ready to write you off as a total loss. I was going to have you primaried by some kind of radical and who knows maybe you wouldn’t have made it. But now I’m almost fond of you. You’re still a spineless weasel but you’re my spineless weasel, so you’ve got that going for you which is nice. And Mitch McConnell, what can I say? You’re like some kind of petrified fossil that exists outside of the world we live in. It doesn’t seem possible that anything as weird as you could still exist but you do. If we could replace you with an animatronic character like a talking walrus or porcupine I believe it would increase our popularity with the voters but anyway I can’t be too mad at you either because of the tax bill.

Now, you Democrats are a different story. You all are without a doubt the lowest form of pond scum to ever successfully masquerade as human beings. Every time I think you’ve hit the ethical bottom you somehow dig a little deeper and go even lower. Let’s take for instance Dick Durbin. His lying double-crossing behavior at the DACA meeting has convinced me that if I saw Dick Durbin and a Great White Shark in the waters off of Mar a Lago I’d immediately warn … the shark! And don’t get me started on Pelosi and Schumer. The way people are leaving California and New York, pretty soon their own votes will be sufficient to guarantee their re-elections. That’s right Cryin’ Chuck, the Statue of Liberty is crying over your lousy party’s inept governing of both the City and State of New York.

But it’s not all bad, I want to congratulate Al Franken for striking out for women’s rights. He harassed enough women to ensure that a woman would replace him. Quite a tribute. And I’d also like to congratulate Maxine Waters for being so crazy that she now makes Rosie O’Donnell seem sane in comparison. When Maxine said she wasn’t a Millennial but used to be I think she meant that she was born in 1000 AD. That would explain her looks and the fact that she mostly speaks gibberish. Back then English really hadn’t been invented yet so everyone sounded like she does. And I know I shouldn’t make fun of a woman’s looks but honestly Maxine is so ugly she makes Pelosi and Hillary look decent by comparison.

And I’d like to thank the press for being so dishonest. By lying at every turn you’ve made my job so much easier. At this point I can almost guarantee that anything I say will be disputed by you folks in such ridiculous terms that even the least intelligent person will be able to tell you’re lying. You’ve become an exaggerated parody of yourselves. Well done and congratulations for ensuring the long tem demise of your own jobs.

And I’d like to thank all those federal judges both at the Circuit and Supreme Court level who keep usurping the constitutional power of elected officials. You only make it easier for me to get the electorate to understand why I need to replace as many of you as I possibly can.

I’m going to take a short break while the Secret Service frog marches the Secret Society of Comey, McCabe, Strozk and Mueller down the center aisle on their way to the hoosegow but before I do I’d just like to give a shout out to one of our guests in the gallery. I’d like to welcome Miss Stormy Daniels coming and for confirming that I have not had sex with her. But if I had she knows it would be the best sex she’s ever had and that my hands are ample and highly capable.

MT – Kurba!

PT – And Melania welcomes you too. Trump out.

(Returning to the BBC broadcast location)

NG – Hello and welcome back BBC listeners. This is former Speaker Newt Gingrich again. Unfortunately, Toffie Bredwell has passed out. Apparently kurba is Slovenian for whore and that was just too much for Toffie. Stay tuned and I’m sure he’ll revive before the President continues on with the substantive portion of his speech. But first a word from our sponsor.

Scene 1: MSNBC studio set for the Rachel Maddow Show, the evening after the Academy Awards (The Harvies), Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres are seated at a table in the lounge area.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – Rachel I came as soon as I got your text. I cancelled an interview with President Obama.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Oh, you shouldn’t have done that.

ED – Nah, I was glad to skip it. I’m so tired of being forced to make believe I want him to do that dance thing he does. Even I know straight women don’t find it sexy. Plus he’s got a new book coming out about community activism and my sponsors have warned me if my ratings get any lower I’m gonna have to find a side job as a rodeo clown.

RM – Breaking another barrier!

ED – Or several ribs. So, what’s up?

RM – Well, after last night’s awards fiasco I tried figuring out how all this could have gone so wrong. I mean we have Donald Trump on tape joking about sexual assault and not only isn’t he tarred, feathered and sent to prison but he waltzes into the White House. Meanwhile all these great progressive Hollywood men like Harvey and Kevin turn out to be rapists and psychopaths. I mean, I don’t get it.

ED – You’re right. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m a pretty close friend of Harvey’s and he never once came onto me or made a pass.

RM – Yeah, me neither. Something doesn’t make sense.

ED – Well, what do you think can be done? Maybe a march. Different hats?

RM – No. No more hats. My look is weird enough without hat hair.

ED – Then what?

RM – I have an idea. It’s pretty crazy but a good journalist needs to think outside of the box sometimes.

Scene 2: Next day, White House West Wing, President Trump at the Oval Office desk and Melania Trump entering the room.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, guess who called for you.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I’m kinda busy right now for guessing games. That Nork Rocketman just called me a pumpkin head so I’m trying to have Mad Dog reposition some satellite lasers to melt down his favorite Rolls Royce into a slag heap.

MT – Hey, you can play around with your silly toys later, I just had to spend five minutes talking to Rachel Maddow that I can never get back.

PT – I’m very sorry. That is something that should never happen to a woman. I’ll have the satellites melt her down instead.

MT – No Schmoopy, the melting would be bad for the publicity. You must keep the dignity.

PT – Fine. What did that loser want?

MT – She wants the interview.

PT – Her, interview me?

MT – Yes, Schmoopy, she said any conditions you have will be agreed to.

PT – It must be a trick.

MT – No not the trick. She even cried a little. It was very sad.

PT – Alright Schmoopy, I’ll make some time for her this afternoon.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy, this makes you greater than the Reagan again.

RM – As you know I am one of your harshest critics. I find the fact of your presidency as one of the surest signs that America is a terrible and unjust place. I find everything about you reprehensible.

PT – Check. What do you want?

RM – I want you to tell me how you do it.

PT – Do what?

RM – Act like a sexist pig and get away with it when better men, progressive men are hounded out of public life for much, much less.

PT – You’re confused. You’re combining different things into one category and wondering why the outcomes are different.

RM – Can you be more specific?

PT – Yes. You’re a deluded imbecile who is confused about every aspect of human behavior.

RM – Can you do it without insulting me?

PT – It won’t be as much fun, but I’ll try.

RM – Thanks.

PT – I’ll give you some examples of things that you’re confusing together. If some old guy in a university who has spent his whole life advancing science, let’s say some Nobel Laureate in Biology, someone who has cracked the genetic code and basically invented modern biology, a man who has often made a point of advancing women in science and even hired them in his lab, if he makes a joke about young women being a distraction in his work place, what happens? You hound him out of his job, force every University to retract his awards, force an apology and then unperson him like some victim in Stalinist Russia. What is his crime?

RM – Sexual harassment and misogyny.

PT – Wrong on both. He has committed no crime. Telling you the truth about how he reacts to having the Spice Girls invade his professional space is not sexual harassment. It’s just being a man of his generation. And as for misogyny, that’s not a crime. It’s just a description of your perception of his relationship to women based on one statement. And I’m guessing that his wife of forty years and his female relatives would probably dispute it too.

RM – But what does this have to do with my question?

PT – Keep listening toots and maybe you’ll get it. Next example, if a microphone records me talking off the record to a Bush family operative about what women will allow me to do when they’re interested in dating a very rich man what is that.

RM – Proof of sexual assault.

PT – Wrong again. Exulting in the social advantages of being a very, very rich man is not a crime. If a woman is sexually attracted to rich men or even pretends to be in order to become associated with a wealthy man that is just one of the dynamics that exist between people in a free society.

RM – But what if she doesn’t want to be mauled by you?

PT – Do you remember anywhere in that tape where I said I force myself on any woman that wasn’t interested in that kind of behavior.

RM – How do we know you don’t?

PT – Because I’m smart enough to know I don’t have to and that it isn’t a good way to stay rich. I’ve been married three times. Basically, every time you try to separate yourself from a woman it’s going to be very expensive.

RM – Well, that’s cold-blooded but probably accurate.

PT – Sexual harassment is very expensive to hush up. Ask your buddy Harvey Weinstein. And speaking of whom, let’s conclude the list of examples with him. And what is it when Harvey Weinstein invites an actress to his hotel room for a job interview, disrobes in front of her, and chases her around the room trying to corner her for some form of sexual contact.

RM – Attempted rape.

PT – Maybe. But if she is an employee or a prospective employee it would certainly be the textbook legal definition of quid pro quo sexual harassment.

RM – Well, we finally agree on something.

PT – And that’s the problem. We agree that the third behavior is sexual harassment. You however think the other two examples are the same thing.

RM – But they are.

PT – And that’s why you can’t figure out why I don’t end up like the other two examples. In the first example you have a man who works for a university filled with people like you. They control the levers of power and unless you have a very good lawyer and lots of money they will destroy you by fiat. In the case of Weinstein, society is in agreement that coercing an employee into sexual contact against her will is sexual harassment. In my case you have two guys discussing how easy it is to score when you’re rich. Now, granted, it’s kind of boorish, but it’s no different from a woman describing how she got out of a speeding ticket by making eyes at a traffic cop. In neither case would you want your words to be recorded but we all use what we have to get ahead in this world. Whether it’s a pretty face or a nine-figure bank account it has its advantages. Is this starting to sink in?

RM – There is some sense to it. But it is horribly unfair.

PT – You mean like life?

RM – Yes.

PT – Welcome to the human race, kid. It’s full of surprises but unfairness is really not a surprise. It’s base case. So, now you see why you don’t understand what’s going on. You think if something’s unfair somebody, and probably a straight white man is responsible and should be held accountable for it. You’re blaming him for something that only God can fix. And since you don’t believe in God you need someone else to blame.

RM – Hmmm. You’ve given me some things to think about. But one thing I don’t understand.

PT – What?

RM – How come you sound so normal and intelligent. You’re very different in your public persona.

PT – We’re not in public.

RM – Oh.

PT – Alright Maddow, are we done?

RM – I guess so.

PT – Then get out. I have an interview coming up with Hannity and I have to figure out how to incorporate the words “huge” and “greatest” into a discussion about orange juice production. Oh, and by the way, if you’re hoping to get the ratings up on that show of yours it wouldn’t kill you to show a little cleavage.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy! Schmoopy! Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, calm down, I’m right here!

PT – Schmoopy, I need your help.

MT – Of course you do Schmoopy. What do you want.

PT – The Republicans in Congress are complete tools and can’t get out of their own way. I need someone persuasive to get my agenda done for me. I want you to convince the Democrats to sign off on my agenda.

MT – How can I do that? I am not the ambassador. I am the First Lady. My job is to smile and be friendly to the ugly people you have to work with. How can I make them do the things you want them to do?

PT – Because you are a hot babe and these congressmen are geeks. If you smile at them they would walk through fire for you. They are total losers. And don’t call them ugly it hurts their feelings, I think.

MT – Is this the true thing?

PT – It is the true thing.

MT – Okay what do you want from these congress geeks?

PT – I want them to approve the Trump Care Bill.

MT – If I do this then you will stop crying like the baby?

PT – I don’t cry like a baby. I’m just tired of all the jerks who don’t listen to me. Well, while you’re there can you also get them to approve Justice Gorsuch for the Supreme Court?

MT – Okay. Anything else?

PT – Uhhh… Can you get them to approve the new budget?

MT – Okay. Schmoopy, let us cut to the chasing and get from you the whole list? I am the busy woman.

PT – Sure, sure Schmoopy, I’ll have Ryan or Pence or one of those other wonks put something together right away. Basically, it’s called “The First One Hundred Day Plan. It’s the secret of every successful presidency. All the important things get done in the first 100 days. After that it’s just coasting. If you get all this stuff done now, I can go on vacation for the next three and a half years.

MT – Oh Schmoopy that would be so nice I could spend the time redecorating the White House. That picture of Hillary is frightening Barron. I will replace it with the Where’s Waldo picture he likes.

Are you sure you can get all this done? We only have another few weeks left.

MT – Weeks? Oh Schmoopy, I was planning on getting it done this afternoon. I have a quick trip to Queens this morning. I need to pick up those lamb chops you like at the butcher’s and I need to meet Ivanka at Trump Tower to get our nails done, but then I will go to the Congress and tell them to do this list. I will meet you tonight for the lambs chops and rice for supper.

PT – Schmoopy, that would be great. But be careful, the Congress is full of skunks. They’re mostly jerks.

(Later that day in the House of Representatives)

MT – Attention congress guys. I am your First Lady and I must speak with all of you. Please pay attention because this is very important and I have not much time. I must get that Where’s Waldo picture up before Barron gets home. The Hillary picture is very scary. I have a list of things that you must do for Schmoopy, I mean Mr. President, your boss. Mr. President has told me that you do not want to do these things and you cannot be fired right away. But that does not mean that you will not suffer. Mr. President is very loud and he will yell at you and he will do the tweet and you will be very sad. And it is good that you do as he says. He is very smart and has the billions which make him even smarter and more handsome. And you want to do what I say because I am very pretty and you all are very homely. I say homely and not ugly because that would make you feel bad. And if you listen to me you will be happy and not sad like when you listen to the Pelosi who is very scary and has the bulgey eyes that look like popping out. She is very old and wrinkly and sounds like a crow and I think she might be crazy because she thinks Schmoopy’s name is Bush, the brother of low energy Jeb. Also, if you do these things for Mr. President he will like you and give you the cuff links and the autographed deal art book which is very smart because he wrote it. And even more important, you will keep your jobs and not go to jail. Mr. President says you are all crooks and he wants to fire you and jail you and yell at you. So, don’t say no but say yes instead and be happy and not sad.

And you congress girls I want you to listen too. Do what I say and I will tell you the name of the girl who does my nails in Trump Tower. And when you look a little better Mr. President will invite you and the homely men to the barbecue at the White House. Then you will wear the push-up bra and look less homely and you can try to get the homely congress guys to marry you and let you quit the congress and stay home with the babies. That way you won’t end up like the Pelosi who looks like the crazy witch or Hillary who was lost in the woods or Rosie who even scares the lesbians a little bit. Now get to work and I will wait another fifteen minutes and you will be done and then I will go home to Schmoopy and tell him not to fire you all later with the electing.

(An hour later back at the West Wing)

MT – Hello Schmoopy I am back.

PT – Schmoopy you did it!

MT – Yes, the list is done. Except the lamb chops were not fresh enough so I got veal.

100!!!

Greetings esteemed readers of OCF. Well, we’re coming up to the 100th post and in honor of this momentous occasion I would like to use feedback from you the readers to decide what the 100th episode should be about. Should President Trump fire Melania (No! Not Schmoopy!)? Should Steve Bannon reveal that he actually is Satan? Should the Donald order the Treasury to print up enough money to give every tax payer a billion dollars? Should Trump name Deadpool as Secretary of Coolness?

You tell me. Leave your suggestions as comments on this post and I’ll pick from the best ones. The winner will be announced and can even personalize his story for all the interwebs to see. So hurry, contest ends by Sunday February 19th 2017 at noon EST.

Melania Trump (MT): Right here schmoopy. I was just on-line buying a new summer house in Tokyo. I am tired of the New York. It is smelly and ugly and the mayor is the smelly, ugly, commie pinko. I hate the barricade and the ugly, smelly, mean people who are mean to me and our son.

PT: Who is being mean to our son, schmoopy? I’ll have the secret service water board him.

MT: You cannot schmoopy. It is a mean girl from SNL and you cannot use the torture on girls. They’re so mean, they do not even notice it. It’s much better to get the National Enquirer to say that she has the herpes.

PT: Fine, I’ll go with that. Now I need your help.

MT: Of course schmoopy. We must all support the Commando of Cheap.

PT: That’s Commander in Chief.

MT: Oh. Well, sure, why not?

PT: Anyway, I need help with a problem. There are millions of American women who think I mean to do them harm. Did you see the news clips of the women with the hats in Washington?

MT: These are the pussy-heads?

PT: Yes.

MT: Oh schmoopy, there is no help for that. If your head is up there then you cannot hear anything, believe me. It is like the American expression, “you have the head up the butthole.”

PT: Yes, but we must try. I want as much support for my policies as I can possibly get.

MT: Schmoopy, I will try. I will talk to the hat women. I will ask them to take their heads out of their hats and hear the words.

PT: Thank you schmoopy. Now I must go and save the world from Prince Charles and Al Gore. They’re using up so much jet fuel during their celebrity protests against global warming that the strategic petroleum reserve is on EMPTY and the blinking red light is about to come on.

(Scene 2 – Podium of the Pussy Hat Rally in Central Park)

Rosie O’Donnell (RO): Sisters, we are here to resist the evil Trump regime with every fiber of our beings. With our hats, we form a sisterhood of solidarity. We are stronger than any man and we will not give up until we have conquered the enemy and his evil patriarchal rule.

Joy Beyhar (JB): Thank you Rosie, and now ladies we have a controversial speaker. Sort of a traitor to the sisterhood. Let’s give polite attention to Melania Trump.

RO: Booo! Booo! We hate you!

JB: Quiet Rosie. We have no time to waste.

MT: Thank you Joy. You are very kind to let me speak to these crazy women. And Rosie, have some cheesecake right away. You must be having the low energy.

RO: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

MT: Hello Nasty Women. I am the First Lady Melania Trump. I know that you are angry with schmoopy because he said you are ugly and talk too much and because he gave the ass-kicking to Mrs. Clinton.

Crowd: Booo! Boooo!

MT: Please nasty women. Let me speak. You must know the truth and stop putting your heads in the pussy. Schmoopy does not mean you the harm. He only wants you to shut up and make the sandwich. I heard him say so. And he is right. If you do these things some of you may be able to find ugly husbands and produce ugly children. I know these things because I have friends and relatives who are also ugly and they are doing these things and producing the children. Go back to your homes. Bath yourselves and clean your hair. Put on the make-up and the push up bra and you will find the ugly men, I promise you. And do not vote for the Hillary again. She is very bad and her husband is a very creepy man. He stared at me at the swearing in and he was very scary. Now go away. You are too close to the Trump Tower and may scare Barron. He is frightened of the ugly women. He is not used to them.

(Scene 3 – White House West Wing)

MT: Schmoopy, I’m home.

PT: Schmoopy! The President of NOW has given up lesbianism and married Sylvester Stallone and Rosie O’Donnell has entered rehab. My poll number with women has gone up 30 points. How did you do it?

MT: I told them the true things that my mother told me when I was a beautiful little girl. She said Melania, for every ugly pot, there is an ugly lid. But not for you. You are beautiful and will marry the billionaire from America.