Also, my husband is very compliant too (at least to everybody's face) behind closed doors in his secret life, he was definitely not compliant.

It is like this.....look at me, I am this great guy, I help everybody, I have no needs, I just do, do , do and try to make everybody's life better, i am selfless, I am accommodating, I give my wife and my family everything, I am never mad or upset, nothing ever bothers me, i am a doormat to everyone, ask me to jump and I will say how high....

but the truth is while he was wearing this mask he was acting out in such horrendous, disgusting ways behind everybody's back. no one would have ever known, including me.

I want to scream......IT IS OK IF YOU VOICE AN OPINION OR GET MAD ABOUT SOMETHING, WE WILL LOVE YOU ANYWAY.

Im not sure I would call that behaviour compliance. Compliance for me assumes some kind of obedience. I think its more a state of dissociation. One of the hardest things to do is to be grounded in the present moment. With your mind always wandering about or busy thinking about other thoughts, we appear constantly distracted. So I dont find we act as doormats as much as we are simply unavailable most of the time. Of course i'm talking pre Therapy here. I found that some exercises like mindfulness (a form of meditation) allows you to be grounded and to be in the present moment. It seems like such a small detail but so important for communication. Something that will be necessary for both partners I'm sure. I may be wrong but i get the impression from reading some posts that survivors are projects, almost as if they need to be saved from their spouses. Am I wrong here?

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Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand. E. E. Hale

Maybe project is too strong a word. My wife told me that during our marriage she tried to make me happy. I was not in a good place. She realized that I was the only one who could make me happy. Her heart was in the right place but it was up to me in the end. She wanted to save me from myself.

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Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand. E. E. Hale

one of the complications my wife and i are facing right now is that she wants to be more involved in fixing me than she is. she is accustomed to being the strong and capable one who kept everything moving along and organized and now that role is not working so well.

I am trying to keep her in the loop by re-capping my therapy sessions and reading her my journal entries and sharing threads here in the forums. but she feels like the T and MS are dooing more for me than she is. she doesn't want to be just a spectator. but she is also haveing a difficult time processing all the new info that i have been bringing to light. it's a lot to deal with for someone who thought they had a it wireds. we also go for couple counseling but that is not easy either...

Lee

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

I don't want to be involved in the "fixing" - I just need to know that there is a commitment to change. (I have my own fixing to do.) But if there is not commitment to change, I need to leave. So I watch for commitment and I watch for change - which could be easily confused with "trying to fix".

For example, I read every single word you men write and I ask tons of questions here on MS - but not so I can go tell him what to do, but so I can identify changes and acknowledge them and support them.

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