Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thoughts

I have been faced with a certain crisis the past week and it has enabled me to stop and really listen. Have you done that? Not just listening and waiting until the other person(s) are done speaking so as to impart your amazing advice but really just listen to someone or no one. I know, I'm straddling on that abstract artsy-fartsy fence and that's a world that I know nothing about in the least!! What I mean is, via this crisis that I encountered, I was able to shut my mouth and allow others to minister TO me. That's not easy to do for a care-taker like myself. I pride myself on being the one to hold and comfort and advise and love others and I am not at all comfortable being on the other side of that. I want that but when it's given to me, I'm often left wondering (to myself) what the "payback" will be for being vulnerable?

How sad is that? How sad that when my friends or my family reach out to assist me that I'm, all the while, wondering what I should do to repay the favor. This isn't because my friends and family are demanding of it. It's because (wait for it...) I don't feel worthy of the kindness! What the hell? I mean, come on! When is this record going to quit skipping? HOWEVER... the shell has begun to crack! I finally am beginning to see myself in the eyes of others. Don't get me wrong, I mean this in the healthy way. I am beginning to care less about my own skewed view of myself and I am beginning to open my eyes to the love that I see in the eyes of Dorrie and in the eyes of Shelly and in the eyes of Kerry and in the eyes of... I pray that this will lead to me ultimately seeing the love of God through my own eyes. Is this possible? I pray so! No, I know it is so!

So, why the picture of the snow on this entry? Well, if you know me, snow represents what I want for my life; peace, purity, true beauty, renewal. For others, snow represents nothing even resembling these things but I don't know what it is about me and Winter but the minute that last bit of snow melts in Spring, I am mourning the loss of Winter.

So, I guess I want to take this time to thank my dear, dear friends that have loved me through this crisis! To know that I will always have at least 2 people (probably more) that will hold back my hair and pat my head and let me know it's all going to be ok, is a gift that I hold precious in my heart!

"For there shall the seed produce peace and prosperity; the vine shall yield her fruit and the ground shall give its increase and the heavens shall give their dew; and I will cause the remnant of this people to inherit and possess all these things." Zechariah 8:12(Here is my translation of this reading: We must enjoy the harvest that is returned to our lives when we sow into someone else's life. Make sense?)

2 comments:

I am humbled that my name was even included in yet another one of your beautifully written posts. (you were talking about ME, right? Cuz if there is another Shelly, I am terribly embarrassed by assuming it was ME...oh, my goodness...maybe I should just stop typing now, to avoid further embarrassment. Oh, what to do?! What to do??!!). Well, for the record, I will hold your hair and pat and encourage (but still, really not comfortable with rubbing your belly) whenever you need it--no strings attached, although I am SURE you will, and HAVE, done the same for me. That is what friends are for. My goal in life is to have people recognize the love of Jesus through my words and actions. I am still a work in progress, but I know He shines through every now and again. :) love you! And tell that other Shelly to get off my turf!!

You know I consider it an honor to hold your hair back. I consider it a bigger honor that you have no problem issuing the projectile, technicolor verbal vomit, too. There, have I grossed you out enough with the vomit metaphors? Next up? Pee-colored stones!

And THAT's why I love you so much. We're both free to be at our absolute "roughest," talking through the life crap with utmost honesty. But even in your 'rough' moments, you're still beautiful and generous and smart and nurturing and empathetic. And even when your holiness puts my pathetic attempts to shame and I trudge through my faith, you still listen to me without interruption and you offer sage advice at crucial times...that, my dear, is one of your awesome gifts.

Okay, I have to go, Hallmark is calling me to come write cheesy greeting cards!

About Me

I am a stay-at-home mother of 3 - Murphy is 16, Briege is 14, and Keagan is 9. My husband died in March of 2007 and since then I've been trying to honor the struggles of single parenthood while also gleaning how to become a better person because of it! Along the way, I've learned that my lessons in this school deal with all of the aspects of my life - being a mother, being a friend, being a sister, being a daughter, being a child of God, and being a friend to Lazarus. Now it's time to learn how to be a wife all over again!! I can't wait to continue to grow with my new husband and our children.