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Sunday, 12 December 2010

Reasons why I will never become a theatrical costume designer

The picture of Tara's little boy in a toga over at her funny Sticky Fingers blog reminded me of the day we sent one of our kids off to play a Roman in her junior school play but with the wrong costume.It had been a big rush to get her out of the door and to the school for the evening's performance, for which she had rehearsed and practised so much we were sure it would all go like a dream. We gave her the plastic carrier bag - one of those cheapies from the supermarket - which Iwas convinced contained her incredibly complicated toga costume of a white sheet and three safety pins (no, I never was that kind of mother), hustled her out of the door and over to school to prepare for the evening show.We came back for a while and sat at home having a cup of coffee as we weren't due to be at the school until later for the performance. Then the phone rang. It was one of the teachers from the school. Did we realise that we had sent the wrong bag? If we didn't get round to the school quickly with the right one, our very distressed daughter was going to have to perform as a Roman dressed in two loaves of wholemeal bread. Any chance of a toga?I raced into the kitchen. There in the corner was an identical plastic bag containing the costume. We got to the school just in time to save our daughter from having to dress up as a bakery.

At least white bread would have been more convincing as a toga ..... kind of ....

I was reminded of this story when Lady Gaga appeared in that costume made entirely of slabs of raw meat. She said she'd done it on purpose. Yeah, right. I knew the real reason.

Don't remind me of costume making - my husband was head of Drama at a succession of schools and I have made everything from a toga to the dormouse in Alice in Wonderland and back through the Cheshire cat to the crossbanded yellow stockings for Malvolio. We found most of the parents either wouldn't or couldn't provide - no-one sent us loaves of bread but one child did once turn up with a morris dancing costume!?

Martin - that is no doubt some cultural reference I'm just not getting ... help me out!

Steve - I'm going to pretend I don't understand.

Jee - I wasn't one that wouldn't provide. I just couldn't. The only piece of clothing I've ever made is a pair of jodphurs, but that was an accident, as they were meant to be flares and I sewed the legs on the wrong way up.

Cultural, indeed, Fran. My fault for watching too much of The Sweeney, years ago. You know the line, with those dodgy kidnappers, "bring the bread in a plain carrier bag...and no funny business." Oh dear, I feel a tumbleweed moment coming on!

Martin - I see, I see! Yes, I used to watch the Sweeney, but I didn't remember the line. I have a terrible memory for that kind of thing. People are always quoting lines at me and I don't have a clue. Thanks for filling me in, though!

Many years ago in Spain , Youngest Daughter was one of a gang of five year old all-singing all-dancing builders for a school concert . On the night they all skipped on in proper grown-up plastic helmets and mimed to Madonna's "I'm a Virgin".No , the nun in charge couldn't speak English but recognised a good builders' tune when she heard it.

About Me

I'm a writer and English teacher based in Warwickshire.

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