12.30.2009

I am a very emotional person. Not only do I care too much about everything, I get my feelings hurt very easily, and I'm bipolar with no medication. All these things confined into one person can be problematic, but only if you look at it that way. I don't.

I'm hard on myself, only because I want to do better. I try not to open up a whole lot because I've been hurt in the past, but I end up doing it anyway...and what does that lead to? The same things in the past. Anyways...that's besides the point.

I was thinking about it. Are some people scared of emotions? Is it because they don't want to feel the same things? Is it a cry for help? An uncomfortable situation for a person? I don't get it. Although I am secure with myself and the emotions I have, other people may not be, and I have yet to come to terms with that.

Anyways, all I'm saying is that I know that I'm emotional. I know that I'm bipolar. I'm okay with that because that's me.

12.29.2009

I was on twitter via blackberry today. I saw a tweet from my homeboy and I retweeted it.

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you ever be polished?"

And then it hit me. That is the fucking answer to life! Well..not really, but that shit is the TOTAL truth. Everything I do, I doubt myself. If it's negative towards me, I don't want to hear it. Then I thought, how many other people go through the same shit? I gotta stop, though. I plan to just keep steppin my game up. I don't want to worry about other people and what they have to say. It's not even a 2010 thing, it's more of a personal "I'm ready to grind hard" type of thing.

The last few days have really been a time for me to think and look back on the things I need to prosper on. I've said it before, but I;ll say it again...PROSPERING IN YOUR CRAFT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO. That's how it should be. Nobody will hand shit to you, you have to take it. Someone helped me realize that shit today.

12.26.2009

So, the year is coming to an end. It' been a crazy ass year. I turned 19 this year, my cousin was killed, I graduated high school, fell in love for the first time, and started college. Some things good, some things bad, but it was another year nontheless. I met good people, lost good people. I was homeless, depressed, and lost. I was happy, ecstatic, and amazed. I got my first tattoo. I spent more time with my family.

2009 wasn't necessarily a good year in HAPPINESS, but it was a good year in LEARNING. I learned a lot about myself, about people in general, about life, and about God. My relationship with God has impacted my life greatly this year. God is something special to me. I wake up thanking God for life, and go to sleep thanking God for life.

What this blog is thoroughly trying to say is, no matter if this year was good or bad, use the experiences you have had to learn from and prosper against. Each year should teach you lessons that the year before hadn't held for you.

Too many times I think people use the coming of a new year to claim new ideas and new resolutions that aren't them at all. Sometimes people shouldn't do that. People should just keep working on who they are and who they want to become, not try to take on new tasks. Does that make sense?

12.23.2009

As the holiday season approaches, I get more and more discouraged. My family doesn't even have a tree up. Its weird because this year has been the most struggling year of my life. I was homeless, jobless, and my family was just a wreck. I don't ask for pity, because I don't want it or need it, but sometimes I wish people understood how hard it is for me without making myself seem like the damsel in distress. I hold on to hope in everything I do, and I always try to keep pushing to make things better.

I go to work and I'm a full time student. Right now, this shit feels like so much work. I'd rather just work and get money to support my family. Its very hard living paycheck to paycheck. Most people don't even know that about me. I'm always the one to act goofy and try to make everyone else happy. Sometimes I think that's a way for me to reassure people that I'm not sad, but in reality I am. I've been sad for a while.

I have a strong relationship with God, and I want to live my life in a way that He would be proud. I make mistakes, but everyone does. I'm not perfect, and all I can do it prosper from being a person to a better person. I apologize for my mistakes and work hard at making myself better.

The point of this rambling post is just me thinking. Does God put us through things to make us better people? If he does, then how come the good people always go through the most? Why is it that the most kind and generous person goes through the most strugle? How is that making them better? How does that build character or even help them keep faith?

I've come to the understanding that God knows what's best. That's the only answer I can come up with. Hopefully, karma is in my best interest and hopefully my time to prosper is coming soon.

12.16.2009

So many times people associate negative feelings with weakness. Jealousy, envy, sadness, and anger. These emotions have negative connotations connected with them, but are they really as negative as we make them out to be?

What about love? Negative things don't happen when "love is in the air"? People don't get hurt and brokenhearted when they love someone? I dunno how some of you work, but I feel that being hurt and feeling down are negative feelings that we despise. Doesn't that make us weak in a sense too?

Some people have a hard time showing their emotions and other people don't realize that. I wish more people would be open to aspects of people like I am.

Having emotions doesn't make you weak. Having the outlook to say your emotions are weak, is weak.

I have been having a really hard last few days. Yesterday was my birthday, and ill do a seperate post on that, but it sucked for the most part. I know off tops, people who know me on Twitter are gonna try and say its because of the whole Chris Brown not tweeting me thing. That added to the rainstorm, but was not the initial issue. I don't want to play the pity party role, but my family is having hard times. I know the people who don't understand are gonna be like "yeah, everyone is havin hard times", but they really don't know the situation. I won't go into detail about it because its personal, but I have told a few close people to me. Anyways, I think I'm rambling. This is the first time I'm gonna be posting via blackberry. My friend skip gave me this idea. :)

12.11.2009

I can't stand this shit and it seems like it's been happening a lot lately. There's always tons of people around when they need or want something, but only when it's convenient for them.

If I needed something from these people, they wouldn't be around...ever. Same deal with people and them not havin anybody to talk to. I'm talkin about on AIM, skype, Y!, ect. It was noticable before, but now it's just annoying. These people ONLY talk to me when they're bored and there's nobody else for them to talk to. Soon as there's somebody else around, they up and forget all about me. Now I'm not bitching at all, nor do I honestly care...but I'm just sayin.

I do notice that it's the same people askin for Twitter backgrounds, Photoshop shit done, to be put on my blog, and to get shouted out for some followers...

12.05.2009

It says "in God I trust". It's on my foot, if you can't tell from the picture. I've been wanting a tattoo to remember all the people I've lost in my life. I finally thought of the perfect saying the other night. I didn't think I was even gonna go through with it, but I wanted it. Everyone kept tellin me foot tats were the worst, and I was lettin that shit get into my head.

I went in to make an appointment today with the tattoo place. I was gonna get it on my birthday. I went in on a whim and asked if he could fit me in. He said yeah. That was it.

For the record, it didn't hurt like everyone said. It hurt on the "G" and the "D" in the word "God", and that's it. It took like 10 minutes tops. I was chillin like a G! Lol.

12.03.2009

When I look at other people, I always have the thought process that someone else has one up on me, until I'm proven wrong. It's just a natural way of keepin my mind in check. Makin sure I'm never straying from being humble. Making sure that I never get judged as stuck up or thinking I'm too good for the next person.

So what happens when the time comes when you are the one with the "one up"? How do you act? You can't act like you know that's how it is because you don't want people to think you are that stuck up type. If you are supposed HUMBLE in the first place, how can you even think that you have a "one up" on the next?

To me, humble people are hard to find. Ever when someone seems to be humble, you turn around and really see their true colors. Of course everyone has an ego about themselves at one point in time, but how can you defer that? Even the most humble people become gassed and switch up.

All I'm saying is that people base life on material things and that's what fuels this fire of not being humble. You have one life to live. It amazes me how the same people who "just live their life" and "do what they want" and the same people constantly referring to haters and getting into fights with the next person.

Think about it...why waste your time? Just be humble and it works out for the best no matter what the precautions are.