Is Jacinda Ardern The New Kim Jong?

She isn’t even Prime Minster yet but New Zealand’s Jacinda Ardern has already threatened Australia, warning that if rights allowing New Zealander’s cheap access to Australian education are revoked, New Zealand will enact similar policies affecting Australians abroad in Middle Earth. Now, I hate Internet slang but the only possible reaction to that is: LOL.

I’m all for New Zealanders coming over to Australia and having the same rights as Australians – we’re practically the same country and have a great historic relationship (outside of rugby anyway – but who cares about rugby?) The hilarity of the situation comes from the fact that Jacinda is issuing threats to anyone. With less than 25 million people, Australia is small by international standards but, with a population less than 5 million, New Zealand is small by Australian standards. New Zealand threatening Australia is akin to North Korea threatening the United States. Everyone knows the tensions will never evolve into anything more because any conflict (as unthinkable as it is) would be so one sided it would be comical.

And while I love the New Zealand accent, The Lord of the Rings and The Flight of the Concords, Jacinda is making me want to go Trump all over New Zealand’s arse and start egging them on via twitter. After all, there would be nothing NZ could do about it. Even if Jacinda does rescind Australian’s right to study to New Zealand, well, who cares? Australia is listed as having the fourth best tertiary education in the world while New Zealand doesn’t even make the top 10. Jacinda is a a lamb (get it? all NZer’s fuck sheep) threating an Australian crocodile. And with so many rich fee-paying Chinese students clamouring for a spot in Australian universities, why should we reserve (and pay for) a seat for people who elected someone with little-dog-syndrome to their highest spot of authority?

Not only is Jacinda (who isn’t even PM yet) threatening Australia, she already has issues with our Foreign Minister, Julie Bishop.

Here’s something to consider Jacinda: Instead of going after Australia, maybe improve New Zealand wages to not be so fucking shit. Then you wouldn’t have to build so much cheap and affordable housing, your people wouldn’t have to move to Australia to earn a decent living and New Zealand students might actually have some savings to spend on one of our great Australian educations.

Now Jacinda, I know running an insignificant little country like NK or NZ is time consuming and you probably can’t justify reading all that is above but, don’t worry, I’ve put it into a tweet for you: