In a Musing Mood

Feeling Better

Even though I’ve been up since 2AM (now 7:15AM), I feel good. I got some sleep last night, and wanted to wake up early-ish to work a simple prosperity ritual, as well as an anti-negativity spell. I feel like I need all the help I can get, and asking the universe seems like the best way for me to accomplish that. As you can tell by these past words, I am not of the Abrahamic religions, nor do I participate in ANY religion. I have a background in Wicca, being initiated years ago. I don’t really participate in coven work anymore and it would take a special group of people to get me back in. But working small rituals and spells and mediations and speaking to the trees and universe around me helps me out alot.

I have been having a rough go of it lately. No job, no real prospects. Crohn’s seems to be back to it’s normally active phase, and to top all that shit off, I have been feeling down. I have to watching the depression, although I hesitate to call it that. Let me call it a funky period with depressed mood. In spite of the depressed mood, I am having a hard time shedding tears; something that really wasn’t a problem before I started taking HRT!! Is it possible that hrt could be robbing me of the ability to shed massive amounts of tears?? Everything I’ve read points to the opposite, you know?

Anyway, I’m showered, not dressed, and with no where to go. I think I will go to the woods today. I have a shrink appointment, so that is good, although these appointments only last 20-25 minutes. But you can bet that I am going to use all my time. I wonder if my meds need to be adjusted. Anyway, I am not going to be a negative nancy(how did this phrase come about, I wonder?).

Transition is still slow. I see no changes. I didn’t take any measurements before starting hrt, but it hasn’t been too long since that first popping of the magic beans so tonight I will have SO take some measurements. SO and I went to Sephora recently. That was kind of fun, in a whirling dervish kind of way! There were a lot of people shopping and it was nutso. I think I may have to go in during the week when kiddos are in school, and responsible people are at work, lmao!! I did get some concealer, orange, to hide my beard shadow. Fuck electro! It’s expensive, painful, and slow. Curse the general public for making products for white people only. You fair skinned, dark haired girls annoy me. LMAO hahahhaha! JK. But i wish that I could do laser. Clearing my face faster would make me so happy. I am getting better with the makeup but I want the damn facial hair gone. Before I decided on transition, I still wanted laser or electro. I didn’t seriously look into it until transition; I always had some type of facial hair, not because I looked dope with it (although I guess I didn’t look that bad) but because I was born AMAB and black at that, so I inherited the long tradition of foliculitis (sp?) or as I refer to it: black man’s disease. FUck, my neck is discolored from years of this bullshit. Fuck.

So, I’m going to finish my hot tea and wake up SO so they can go to work. Then kill a couple hours until the Nissan dealership opens so I can charge the Leaf (hey, it’s free and fast). Then off to the shrink to get shrunk. Then I just don’t know. I guess more job searching. Shit, how many more resumes must I submit before I get a nibble other than outside sales or outbound call and sales. My personality does not match that type of job. In other words, if someone says no I say okay. I’m not about trying to push some shit on someone.

Okay, gotta go. I’m going to include a pic of my altar setup. Still needs some work. Actually, it needs a lot of work, and some of the stuff needs to be removed while other stuff needs to be included. Stay good, dear readers of the page!