3/08/2012

What the GOP Is Really Saying: This Isn't That Important of a Presidential Election:You've heard it repeatedly, no? How this year is the most importantest presidential election in the history of electin' elections ever electified. Bestial New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said as much when he endorsed Mitt Romney last October: "This is the most important election in generations." RNC Chair Reince "Yes, We All Know What His Name Is Without the Vowels" Priebus has said the same thing since at least last May, even comparing it to the battle fought for the founding of the nation itself. Grandma-kicking Republican Congressman Paul Ryan said in September, "This election this is going to be the most important election in our generation."

Oh, the warnings are dire, too. Sad accountant-looking Governor Mitch Daniels said, in the GOP response to President Obama's State of the Union, "So 2012 is a year of true opportunity, maybe our last, to restore an America of hope and upward mobility, and greater equality." Damn, we are on a fuckin' precipice, people. Don't you get it?

You can't read or listen or watch most conservative commentators without hearing, as Bill O'Reilly said back in December, "2012 will be the most important election in our lifetimes." Or some variation. In a generation. In, like, forever. Sean Hannity's said it. Ann Coulter's said it. The columnists at the conservative toilet known as "Townhall.com" wear the phrase "most important election" like the entrails of a goat in order to create some voodoo that makes what they say real.

And it's a big fucking lie, as it almost always is. How do we know it's a big fucking lie in 2012? Because if it was such an all-consuming, nation-changing, do-or-die, end of hope presidential election, then Republicans who might actually win would get step up to prevent American armageddon. So, we can conclude, pretty goddamn easily, that either it ain't all that important or that Christie, Bush, Ryan, Daniels, and whatever other GOP savior candidates you wanna toss into that heap are a bunch of selfish pussies. Well, that last part is no doubt true, but it's a special kind of pussification that they've got if they're gonna let their country go down the drain rather than run.

No, instead, what the smart Republicans know at this point is simple:1. Obama is going to win.2. And, really, that ain't so bad for the country.So, you know, why bother? Let Mitt waste a chunk of change on this one. See you in 2016, motherfuckers. (By the way, it's frightening that the Rude Pundit and George Will agree on this point.)

Anyone with their heads out of their asses knows that Obama governs as a moderate, with some inclinations left and some inclinations right. And he's obviously been very, very good for rich people. What's a Republican going to do differently? Just outright force poor people to find their local Mr. Burns and hand him their wallets and purses?

At this point, Romney, Gingrich, and Santorum have all played the "most important election" card. But they're just pathetically trying to get people even vaguely interested in voting. If you're a guy, you know that point where you've done so much coke and tequila that, no matter how much Viagra you take, your dick ain't getting hard? And instead of giving up and telling the hot dude you're with you're just gonna call it a night, you sit there, yelling at your cock and yanking on it until it's chafed and sore, but that little bastard is done? Yeah, that's where we are right now in the primary process.

Sure, yes, in the abstract, all presidential elections are really, really important because the person we put in there can blow up the world. The only way you know if something is the most important election is from what happens after. 2000 was actually the most important in our lives, but most of the country didn't realize that until sometime in about 2005. And what the GOP's strongest stars know, even though they say the opposite, is that it's more important that they stay home than risk their brand to a losing race.

So you have to believe that Chris Christie wants the nation to collapse into ruin, which automatically disqualifies him as a viable candidate, or he knows that the drama queens of the right are actually pawns to be sacrificed in a bigger game, which will continue just fine.