Holidays are difficult, especially for men mourning a mate

Christmas holidays are generally a time of good cheer, when family gather, children are present, and meals are shared. But possibly seated in an overstuffed chair on the edge of the group is granddad who lost his wife within the past year, or an uncle who was suddenly left without his companion when his wife didn’t survive a medical procedure that went badly.

The latter example was my case when my wife Linda had complications from a bone marrow transplant nearly three years ago. She had overcome so many medical problems and hospital stays, but at age 67 her body could not endure one more difficulty.

So our puppy Bella - that she called our “four-legged daughter”- and I passed a second Christmas without her. How she loved Christmas and family and puppies. By now people are likely thinking that I’m getting over our loss and life goes on just fine, but especially for men who lose their wives it isn’t that easy.

I look at other men who have lost their wives. Men who have worked all their lives, often laborers and tradesmen, with little more to interest themselves than grandchildren, but not my case. I spoke with one man whose wife predeceased him 17 years ago, a long transition I can’t imagine myself making. If men don’t have an interest or hobby outside the home, it becomes a lonely existence. I listened to other men in a grief session and could feel the weight of what they will do now that they don’t have their helpmate with them.

No one prepares for the death of their mate. I had one advantage in that I am a person who puts “words on paper,” a writer and editor. I decided to write a book about Linda and our 37 years together.

It’s titled “Promise Me You’ll Remember” and I self-published it and sent 100 copies to friends and family of Linda and me over the years. In 36,000 words I told why Linda was special and how much we miss what she brought to everyone. The project kept me busy and engaged for 18 months, but now I am again faced with a hole in my life. Most men who have lost their wives have no such way to process their loss, and most family and friends simply don’t know how much has been taken from their lives. And adult children aren’t often that attentive.

Psychologist Mary Pipher wrote the book “Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of our Elders” some years ago, in which she says: “It’s a miracle that people survive the loss of their mates. There are so many widows and widowers, and we tend to underestimate the magnitude of each individual tragedy.

“In our country we expect people to recover very quickly from grief. People are asked about their losses for a few months and then expected to move on.” But recovery takes more time than any of us expect to give it. They stop sharing about their losses, when the feeling is very much present that friends and relatives are uncomfortable talking about the missing mate. And when the surviving partner stops talking about his or her loss, people presume that healing is taking place and the survivor is doing better. But likely not.

Grief sessions do only so much, as helpful as they are. Friends don’t know how to talk to you about your loss. Just the desire for companionship and “meals and movies” are topics hard to raise. Remarriage isn’t often desired, even as Pipher writes that in losing one’s mate, “women mourn and men replace.”

So the holidays are difficult times, and often widowers don’t want or know how to open up and process their loss and life now that they are doing life alone. Grief is meant to be overcome, not held closely, but that can be a process of three or five years. It needs to be processed, not endured. Therapy was a help to me, but I know of one agency in town that has a waiting list of eight to 12 months.

Death comes to us all, and for Linda and me it was best that her death came first. With her health issues, carrying on with life without me would have been nearly impossible. If there is a widow or widower in your life, this is a good time to reach out in a comforting and understanding way.

Keener is a blogger for ChurchCentral.com on the intersection of faith and culture, and lives in Chambersburg.