Naomi

Nostalgic weather: when it’s very green and very damp and you think it should be getting dark by now but there’s still pale blue light when it is time to get into a hot bath. The leaves aren’t tired summer leaves, but have just burst, sharing space with dropping blossom. The whole sky seems lower and shared, not something impossibly high up. When there are crystal drops hanging from the trees but it is dry enough for the birds to start singing.

Two years ago my best friend wasn’t my best friend. She hadn’t helped steer my life back to a saner course yet. She was just a really really cool girl I had English class with. I remember that summer it rained a lot, but not grey drizzle—it was like green rain. When she invited a bunch of her classmates to her family’s farm, I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I couldn’t go. I sat in the car with my legs firmly on the ground outside—I did that a lot. Driving felt a bit like drowning. I wasn’t in control. The only things that made me cry were Jane Eyre and my exam results. The former, a warm burst drain. The latter, squeezed ice. But the day after I didn’t go to the farm I sat on the back step and watched the rain bounce down the roof and the air was fresh enough, the rain loud and hard enough, to make my skin tingle and the blood in my veins flow again. I had so much fear that I had no idea what to do with.

The next year she invited us again, and this time I didn’t even try. I stayed in the bath and tried to cry instead. By then Kathleen had helped me—a lot—and I felt bad for myself and for her. For myself because my anxiety didn’t allow me to go, and for her because we were close and I knew I was hurting her. That’s when I began to realise that proper connections with people do not just involve your feelings; the other person’s are really important too. That awareness that this world contains people other than myself burst my bubble—in a good way.

Recently it’s become simple to look back on those times and think, I am better. If there is something I want to do, but it is hard or it is scary, I increasingly think, Do I want the kind of life where I can…, and the answer is always yes. Do I want the kind of life where I can drive to the farm where my best friend lives even though the bathroom only just got a door and still has no lock? Yes.

And so I did. Last week me and Mum drove to Kathleen’s farm through a massive pourdown. As we drove up and higher and further away from our town, I could look back and see the houses engulfed in a grey misty cloud. I thought I owed this to Kathleen, but also to the Naomi of last summer and the Naomi of the summer before. While they stayed at home feeling sullenly stagnant, they also stayed mildly hopeful that one day it wouldn’t be such a huge problem to do what was so impossible before. ♦

I don’t equate financial circumstances with being any more or less of an artist, or really any other occupation. I don’t think anyone really aspires to be on food stamps. EBT would be chill if I was 100% financially independent and didn’t have the means to feed myself after paying bills like rent and loan payments, for instance.

Oh I didn’t think you aspired to! I have just known too many people who thought in order to be a “real” artist, you had to struggle. Which is absurd!
Some people really do think there is something romantic about poverty. So strange. Good on you for your financial independence!

Please don’t assume your experience is universal. Many people don’t have the education, resources, and/or support to get a better job. This is not just having a college degree (although it’s part of it); it’s also about having a net of emotional support in order to be able to have a decent life.

The majority of people DO NOT like having a shit job, in shit conditions. But most of the time, there are no better prospects.

There is NOTHING shameful in living off welfare in a society as unfair, unjust and exploitative as the United States. The rich keep getting richer while the majority of the population work like drones, bombarded with adverts every day, atomized in their small flats without even a shred of a community to hold on to. The poor keep getting poorer. The middle classes with university education are miles away from the working classes who have no hope of leaving the poor neighbourhoods.

And those who manage to leave shit on other poor people instead of looking at systemic inequality and a way to solve it.

The fact that a small amount of poor people can escalate the social adder does not mean the whole social ladder is fucked up. Wealth must be redistributed into good schools and good higher education and support networks and social services so the most vulnerable in our society stand a CHANCE.

Thank you, lorobird! And not only are people stuck in shit jobs having this problem — just reading the news, you can see that even well-educated people in positions usually seen as “privileged” (like having a PhD) are on welfare in record numbers (and rising) right now.

Katherine, it’s scary how much my current situation relates to yours, except for the fact that I transferred to my current school last year. I was also in a school play a few weeks ago and also skipped the last cast party because I can’t stand those awkwardly impersonal conversations I try to strike up. I want to have something to cry about and I’m frustrated with myself for not feeling much about my high school experience.

I know kids who I think may be fun to hang out with, but have no idea how to enter their social groups/what to talk about/if it’s worth it as I’ll never see them again. And regrettably, I find quite a lot of them boring and/or annoying, laughing about things I don’t find funny and expending energy on issues I don’t care about. I wish I knew what to say and how to be interesting and how to enjoy the end of my senior year. I’d like to go to prom but literally have no one to go with (friends or otherwise). This is supposed to be fun!!! Damn.

Katherine, I’m in the exact same position. The sense of intruding, being set up, all of it. It’s disgusting how all the people in my shitty “group” it’s okay and “cool” to shoot me/others down if something isn’t the way they like it.. and forget about awesome comebacks or anything, my “friends” just love to ridicule those even more. But apart from my rant (sorry.) AT LEAST IT’S MAY. (Although I’m not graduating like you, only moving schools.)
But honestly, whoever said high school is the best years of your life obviously peaked as a teenager and didn’t have much of a life after. (I tell that to myself to boost my confidence at least….)

Whoever said “high school is the best time of your life” was someone living back when it was totally normal to marry and have kids right when you graduated, so of course you were more free and had more fun before you had to cook dinner and raise babies! Soooooo not true now (except, as you note, for lame people who peaked way too young.)

Katherine, you are literally fantastic.
I switched to my high school last year and after a lot of rough times in which I isolated myself I still feel pretty much alone. I have a couple close friends, but they all have their own groups, and I’m just a drifter. I don’t really belong anywhere. And I always get that attitude from people who I try to talk to, like why am I hanging out with them… Do they think I’m weird?
I’ve learned that you need to find people who love you for who you are. You can’t force people to be friends with you. If they don’t want to make the effort, so be it. It’s their loss.

Dylan, I totally get what you’re saying. I’m a senior and feeling so ready to graduate and I just committed to a college and at the same time, declined the offer from my dream school, NYU, because of the fact that I would be in so much debt (sorry for all the and’s). It sucks but sometimes I think my response to the situation is the only thing that will make things better for myself.

I’m about to graduate from high school like you, and I also had to decline my dream school (FIT) because the out of state tuition is ridiculous, and all they offered me was loans…
So now I’m going to a state school (my last choice) because it’s basically free with the in-state scholarship they offer. Like you said, it sucks, but I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the long run.

Food is a basic human right, not a privilege, and even responsible, working, tax paying insividulals could benefit from them for time to time :).
Also, Food Not Bombs was awesome at helping me not starve too yayyy! http://www.scn.org/foodnotbombs/

Ugh, Katherine, that is me.. or was until these two girls took pity on me and decided to inch over my way, still can’t pronounce their names… only a month left though, then no more living in a blur or curling up against the heater?

Katherine, I swear, you are me. I feel like this all the time. I totally understand the feeling of not quit fitting in anywhere. It always seems like there’s this real awesome group of people and then there’s me, just standing on the outside. I’ve only started high school this year so let’s hope it gets better! Best of luck!

That’s a terrible feeling, Katherine. I’m sure there are people who would love to approach you but just think they aren’t cool enough! At least you don’t have to worry about being one of those kids who peaks in high school and then disappears. You have college and then Real Life to find your people! (You know, besides Rookie gurls.)

Naomi, your writing is the most beautiful thing in the world. I’m mesmerized.

Katherine, recently, my best friend told me that another one of my acquaintance-friends thinks that I hate her. And then she told me that other girls we know from our dance studio had said similar stuff. I thought it was the strangest thing, because I’m never mean… I just tend to be quiet and don’t talk to many people in dance because I’m tired from school. And I feel like people aren’t paying attention to me anyway.

You could have a situation like that going on. Maybe, people don’t see you like an awkward person at all, maybe thats only you, and like Ruby said, they actually think you’re really cool, and are intimidated by your coolness (or, like me, they think you hate them). There are always different perspectives.

Dylan: I dunno if they talk about it much in the United States (I know it intrigues people in Europe), but there’s this huge um, shitty situation going on in Quebec where many students are on school strike to protest against the increase of tuition fees, and it’s been going on for two months now… Granted, we don’t pay nearly as much as Americans do (it’s like, $20,000 for your entire degree), but debt is debt and it’s scary and I find it totally wrong to put so much pressure on youth when you’re trying to start your life and you’re told college is the ONLY way to ever have a decent life and it turns out it is not completely true because you have so much debt and sometimes you have to give up your dream because you can’t afford it and not because you don’t have the abilities to do it and this angers me and it’s just OMG TUITION FEES ARE EVERYWHERE IN MY LIFE NOW LIKE EVEN WHEN I’M NOT ON QUEBEC SITES /end huge political statement in two too long sentences

(Did that even made sense? BTW English isn’t my native language so maybe it’s not totally understandable… You’ve been warmed)

Katherine – I’ve been reading your entries for a few weeks now and I swear that we could be the same person. It’s comforting to know that other people go through the same things and feel the same way. I’m just finishing up my freshman year in college and I can’t help but to think that I am more socially awkward now than I ever was in high school.

Katherine— I understand completely. I fell out of my friend group in a dramatic and traumatic sha-bang halfway through my sophomore year. I could have stayed and been unwanted, but I left and I’m proud that I did. I was left without a group and in a small all-girl school like mine, it made surviving a nightmare. I didn’t go to lunch for the rest of the school year, I usually hid in the library or the bathroom (if it was an especially bad day or if I was paranoid that the librarians caught on). Forced gathering like assemblies and prep rallies were a nightmare. I did the whole gauging of groups thing too, and finally went out on whim and tried for a group. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I was in no way ready to deal with people. Any way I fucked it up. So I re-created myself into someone that I wanted to be, someone I wanted to be friends with. Slowly I learned more about music and movies and thrifted like a maniac until I had a closet that I could love. I finally embody who I feel I really am. But now, I’m kind of like that vapor. Universally accepted, but virtually ignored. People have no buff with me, but no one talks to me. I actually have no friends at school. Indifference sucks. Just wanted to say that you are in no way alone. I feel you and I really enjoyed your entry.

KATHERNE. Oh my god. *hugs*
I feel sad yet, secretly happy after reading all the comments because I AM NOT ALONE. I feel this way all the time and it sucks massively. You are SO lucky you are graduating, I have another 9-10 months to go :/
‘The High School Experience’ is just BS. I am sick of feeling bad about always being an outsider. Its like EVERYONE is a part of a group and very important whereas nobody would notice if I dropped out of school.
I have stopped trying too and accepted my myself as a loner.
I definitely feel more at peace now.
-.-

getting past the repetitious expletives, I appreciate your maturity here. something to be grateful for and I’m sure, born of a youth not immune to financial challenges. This awareness is serving you and you are handling school very intelligently to set you up for “a real job” and more. I’m proud of you. you’re a smart girl.

Dylan, oh my god its nice to know someone else is dealing with this too!

I spent the last four years (high school) in an insanely rigorous advanced program to try to get into a good college. I didn’t even get enough financial aid to cover tuition, let alone housing. I’m going to end up going to a community college in the fall. Now I’m just wondering if it was all worth it. ._.

Katherine
I’m so sorry about your experience and honestly i know what it feels like. where you feel completely numb…i ended up getting to the point where i couldn’t cry anymore it was like there was nothing left. I went from the very top in school to being almost invisible and im still not exactly sure why or how it happened.
the best thing i can tell you is that happiness comes from within; which means you gotta get up every day and tell yourself you will be happy. eventually you dont have to tell your self anymore because you just are HAPPY:)
it is one of the hardest things i ever did…to go from depression back to my normal happy self but its so worth it:)
and don’t let those people worry you or make you feel like an outsider, college will be different because usually people are more mature by then and im sure you will make lots of friends!

Ruby…I know the feeling ALL TO WELL. Once I requested a song (and it wasn’t even obscure at all! Like seriously, I think it was by arcade fire or something) one girl was looking over my shoulder, and when she saw what I wrote she kind of fake smiled, a polite way of saying “You have such weird taste” and it was lyk awkwarddddd.

Hi, queen people! April’s theme is BOTH SIDES NOW, which considers the many different answers to THE BIG QUESTIONS, whatever those are for you. If you’ve got a project or pitch about seeing things in a whole new light, please email it to submission@rookiemag.com.

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