Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E Becomes Final Today

Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again

The terms of News Corp’s CEO, chairman, and destroyer of all things good in media Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his pie-jacking, badass, third wife Wendi Deng Murdoch are set to be finalized in front of a New York judge today. And other than the little matter of poor Rupert handing over what some people have guessed is between 1.2 and 2 billion divorce dollars, and the 44 million dollar apartment in NYC which she is totally keeping, Emperor Palpatine’s doppelganger and his erstwhile bride of almost 15 years have all the prenuptial and postnuptial (which we were not even rich enough to know existed) agreements that one of the top 100 richest, and number one most evilest, media men in the world could possibly need. So this thing here today should all be pretty quick and painless, as far as billion dollar divorces go.

But there was still some rather insidery stuff reported on the Murdoch split, thanks to Michael Wolff’s fairly overwrought article in the USA Today from a week and a half ago, that we did not see until now. Michael Wolff is a guy who wrote a Murdoch biography The Man Who Owns the News, and was also on Keith Olbermann’s old show all the time, talking about how Rupert’s news companies hacking the phones of the entirety of Great Britain and probably the USA might actually take Rupert, his terrible kids, and even more terrible empire down. But of course it did not take anything down and we were stupid to think that it might. And now Michael Wolff says that not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for the hacking thing, and now getting this divorce, have made Rupert Murdoch happier than ever. And isn’t that the most important thing? That Rupert Murdoch is happy?

His personal life, his work life and his family life, despite the threat of hackinggate, have all come into alignment. At 82, he believes he has set the stage for another 15 years.

So great. Not only is he not going to jail, or even getting into trouble really, he is planning on hanging out for at least another decade and a half. And that makes him very happy.

Rupert Murdoch will also be happy to be rid of his wife, who is 39 years younger than him, because remember when she busted up in between him and that guy with the pie at the hacking hearing? Rupert did not like that she did that! She made him “look old, he felt, and weak.” HOW DARE YOU MAKE YOUR OCTOGENARIAN HUSBAND LOOK OLD WENDI DENG? You should have just let that guy smash Rupert right in the face. That would have made him feel younger and maybe now you would not be getting a divorce.

But she did do that, and Rupert wanted rid of her, so he started paying more attention to what else Wendi was doing and apparently one of the things she was doing was Eric Schmidt, the executive chairman of Google. Wendi Deng seems to have a “type.” A very rich and powerful type. And even though Rupert did not want her any more, he did not like Wendi Deng hanging out with Eric Schmidt, and even “accidentally tweeted” something that was supposed to be an “order” to his “newspaper” The NY Post, about “exposing” Schmidt. So we can tell he really learned a lot from not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for that hacking thing.

And today his divorce will be final, and Rupert Murdoch will be happier than ever. Because supposedly he has a new girlfriend y’all, a gal traveling with him as his “massage therapist.” And now we will make all the “happy ending” jokes in the world, because nothing is funnier than someone jerking off an 82-year-old Rupert Murdoch’s penis. Happy Divorce Day!