Raising a Child, to being a Wife, to learning how to live life.

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I’ve been asked by a few mom’s how do I pack my daughters bag (when i decide to pack one), and it be just the right eight for her top carry. So I thought I’d share my technique.

My daughter is not a difficult child when it comes to needing things while out the house, so she doesn’t require much like when she was an infant. So that’s a plus.

I only need to pack 3 at the most pampers, (with potty training, and limitation on how much she drinks, I don’t need more then that, but for the safe side I keep 5 extra in my car), snacks (depending on destination), wipes of course, a rag, cup, and whatever her favorite toy is for the day, that will keep her occupied, and normally an extra bottle filled with milk or juice.

She has a simple small backpack, wanting to be like her dad, so I purchased this Minnie Mouse one from Walmart for about 8 bucks I believe.

I start off by taking the pampers I will need, and rolling them into a tub like shape. As well as her rag.

When it comes to her snacks I small, loose snacks in a sandwich bag, along with napkins.

After my daughter turned one I became highly annoyed with carrying those huge things of wipes. And I never liked wipe cases, I couldn’t get with them, so I decided why not carry those in a sandwich bag too!! Yes I put about 10 wipes in a small sandwich bag. It’s easier to carry, and takes up NO room at all. And they do stay fresh, as long as it’s closed properly. I also keep a bag in my car, with it being cold right now they stay fresh (lasted a whole month fresh). I take them out the original bag, fold them horizontally, then into a square. 5 in each square.

My daughter carrys her cup like her life depended, on it, and when she doesn’t want to hold it, it’s in my purse (leak free). As well as whatever toy she decided she wants, which is usual Netflix on my phone.

That’s all to it. Nothing special. I would love to hear what you mommy’s pack in your toddlers bag!

So, this past Thursday me and Ladybug attended a CD Release/Listening Party, and since her hair is growing out nicely, I wanted to finally try a Ballerina Bun aka Top Knot aka Sock Bun in her hair. It turned out fairly nice, but of course it didn’t stay that way, because her hair never stays in place, smh. Such a busy body.

Well I’m gonna show you, how I did hers, to give you an idea of how it goes. It’s super easy!

Your going to need a sock. If your child has thin hair, I would recommend you use and old baby (infant) sock. If your child has a good length of full hair, use a baby sock (6mnth etc)

The top sock is infant for the back since it’s not as long as the front. The bottom sock is for the front since her hair is much longer there.
(These are old worn but clean socks Vaeh wore around the house.)

Below you can see how i cut the foot off the socks and left the neck. (Not completely i recommend completely)

I then began to roll the neck of the socks into a tubed shape

I sectioned off her hair into the style I wanted. Many do a high pony with the bun sitting on the crown, but with my daughter hair, one ponytail would not work out so she had three, in the style similar to a mowhak.

It’s been almost 2 months, since we’ve said goodbye, and I’ve chosen not to talk about it in hopes that, the guilt and sorrow would go away. But unfortunately that hasnt worked. There is not one single day that I don’t think about you. It’s kind of hard not to actually when you see babies, and twins nearly everyday. It warms my heart to see it, then after awhile I feel the pinch of sadness come through.

I always think about what life would be like with you here. It would truly take a village with yall AND your sister, she’s crazy as it is. Lol. But I can’t help but to imagine. Imagine what you would have looked like. Smelled like, laughed like, cried like. Even what your touches would feel like. Soft, loving, kind and gentle. So innocent and precious. What would our bond would have been like. Who would you have came out to look like. Pray it wouldn’t of been your dad, your sister already did that!

Thinking of the situation, it’s so messed up, I still feel to blame I always will. That won’t change. Although your father doesn’t need anymore children lol, I always feel so bad towards him. I’ve put him through many loses and that’s so unfair. That won’t change either. I suppose the healing process takes time. I have my reasoning for feeling the way I do, and no one but God will every know exactly what that reason is. Surely, I am grateful for my daughter that did make it, despite what they were telling me, and the hell I went through while carrying her. On that day, although she didn’t want to come out, she came healthy and strong, and she made sure I did too. I just wish it could have been like that with you know…but like I said, I know God makes NO mistakes and I understand completely why this happened, and happened the way it did. And I’m ok with that.

The hospital sent us a card ❤. It was really sweet, nice gesture from the nurses there.

Also in April we get to attend a memorial service for you. It’s held every year in remembrance by the hospital, and every year I would not miss it.

I won’t stop loving, I won’t stop remembering either. You all are ALWAYS in my heart. ALWAYS, your father’s too (he’s secretly emotional about yall, but that didn’t come from me).

There are times as a mother that I just want to say f@*k this s#*t, I’m good.

But then I look at my daughters amazingly beatiful face. With her big bright eyes, pearly white smile, button nose, and her hugs and kisses. Oh man those KISSES. Smh, they get me Everytime. Then she hits me with the “Mommy I luh youuu” and then all I can say is….”Damn It!” She got me lol.

If you’re a parent then you know, how hard it can be, and how crazy things can get, and feel at times. But if you’re mother, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Being a parent is one thing, but being a mother is another. Just like being a father is something of it’s own. And being single or not single isn’t the case here. Just the moments of stress and heartache, feeling absolutely helpless and just not good enough for your child can take a huge toll on you, is the case.

It’s so easy to get discouraged when all you want to do is give your child the world and beyond that, and life just says “naaaa not today. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, and as a matter of fact next month is out of the question too. Sorry but not sorry!” As mother you are everything. And because of that you feel like you need to give everything.

I work 3 jobs, come home and have barely any time and no sort of energy to really spend the time I want with my daughter. I spend more time with other people’s children then I do with my own. I leave kids to come home to a kid, and when I do…. im so tired, its dinner, bath, maybe a little learning time, and BED. And deep down inside that kills me!! The weekends go by so fast I barely notice them. Children grow up so fast, you want them to experience everything they possibly can. I feel like shame on me as a mother to not have the time to give her that.

Then there’s the restless nights, fevers, colds, boo boo’s, cleaning the messes, potty, bath, hair, pampers, wipes, clothes, doctors appointments, and with my Anemic child just making sure she has the proper diet, and nutrition is a job in itself! If im not getting a chance to take care of myself, because of so much I have to do, giving all my energy into trying to give my daughter better, yes it gets stressful. Because no matter how hard I work, and no matter how much I do, its seems to never be enough. There’s still things that didn’t get done, or just can’t. Things that need immediate attention, things that can’t be slid under the rug for a later date. Its frustrating, and annoying. Its life…

So does that make me a bad mom? Because I can only muster up so much energy to only get out going over ABC’s, Numbers, Colors, Spanish, Parts of The Body and a quick song during bath, or while I’m falling asleep in my bed? Because I can’t catch the latest show or children’s event to take my daughter to? And all the other things I see other parents doing for thier child?

I think about my daughter in everything I do, every decision I make. I always put her first, even over my own well being. I take time out for her, I plan, I make room, I SACRAFICE for her, but it just doesnt go right, the way it should. That’s disappointing. To try and do so much, but get nothing at all over and over and over again, it makes me be like…
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Screw this, I’m moving to Bora Bora and NEVER come back!!

You know how many times I have gotten in my car on my way to work, or home or wherever and thought “All I have to do is get on this highway and just keep driving. Keep going until I break down, run out of gas, or get tired. Which ever comes first.” But then I have a random thought of, what am I gonna cook for dinner, because I know my daughter gets hungry around the time I get in so I have to know before I get there.

My frustration with life makes me want to give up, but my feet always take me home, and my love for the greatest gift God has given me makes me stay. I can’t give up. Because it wouldn’t be giving up because it was to hard. It’s giving up on MY DAUGHTER because she wasn’t worth it. And that’s FAR from true. My daughter is worth more then any vacation, or easy way out I could take. So I can’t give up on HER. Eff what Life thinks she’s the one.

But that doesnt mean that next week I won’t get in my car and think about how I could just get on the highway….lol

Its been 5 days since I’ve known that you have been in there. And I’ve never knew how I should feel until yesterday. This is not new to me at all, I’ve been down this road, so maybe that’s why I’m a little confused in feeling, or maybe it’s because im in such a different head space these days. I just know that theres always a reason for everything, and God does all things well. Crazy because their were times where i felt like i felt moving in there. Smh Either way, since I will never be able to show or tell you, I just want to say im so sorry and I love you.

This whole thing is just so weird, and super akward throughout my everyday. I feel excruciating pain 24/7, and it reminds me constantly that it’s you in there telling me goodbye. Yes, I’ve been through this before, but not like this. Losing your other brother and sister were traumatic in any way possible, but you…your calming, your…different. You have seemed to have gotten comfortable in there, even after letting go. I know, weird.

Well…after 4 months of me carrying you, although you let go weeks prior to now, Wednesday is the day that we have to say our official goodbye, and all this will be over with. But until then…can I just say I apologize. I can’t help but to feel like this whole situation is nothing but my fault. You have come and gone just like that, but there has to be a reason you’ve hung around for so long. And I know that reason… to tell me something, open my eyes to something I didn’t see light on. And although im not sure how to handle or deal emotionally with our little situation, even after seeing you, im content in a lot now because of it.

This is my letter of goodbye. Things I want to say but just…. can’t. Surely not to anyone else because who would really understand? Yes, God knows my heart, and all in my mind, but there’s a sense of release writing things down so why not write to you.?

You have 3 siblings up there. Tell them hello for me ok? And that I think of them all the time. You have a sister down here, so don’t fret, God blessed me with a miracle out of this world. Watch over us ok?

Gonna make the best of these next few days we have. So, take it easy on me you hear? Please…lol

Since being with a Musician, I always get asked the same questions. Then ever since I married one, they have become more frequent and more annoying. And because Im a Musicians Wife I see, hear, witness, and experience a heck of a lot, that answers all your questions. So since I am tired of constantly answering the same questions at every gig, to every new girlfriend, and every outsider, I decided to write about it!

First the number one question…that NEVER fails…

Is it true that all Musicians are ho’s/whores/sluts?

Yes…yes, they are. Well, let me retract and say NOT ALL, AS IN EVERY LAST MUSICIAN IN THIS WORLD IS A MAN WHORE, but every maybe 2 out of 4 IS. I don’t care what anyone else tells you. One thing people need to understand that no matter who they play for, big name, or small music figure, they are still MEN, they have needs, wants, fantasies and desires, and with so many women around ALL THE TIME, how can they not go about their wants, and desires. Thats just it, the answer is yes. yes, yes, yes, yes, YES so stop freaking asking that “rumor” is not a rumor it is a known true fact, that everyone knows. Now whether they were whores before they came across the right one then so be it, once before they were slutting it up.

Is the “groupie” thing forreal? Or exaggerated?

it is REAL. As real as you are a person, is as real as a groupie is in the music world. Don’t be fooled, Musicians have groupies too. To my surprise a lot, and a lot more often then I had originally thought. Why? I always asked myself. I figured women always went for the artist, but honey them babies will go for the Musician…the closest thing to their target. Then, when I married my Husband I’ve learned that a lot of women’s preference is the actual Musician himself. CRAZY right?!?!?! I couldn’t believe it. Over the years I have heard girls talk about Musicians like they were the gods of the music world. Like they were the most, famous, sexiest, most unbelievable thing in the planet. Blew my mind.

Don’t get me wrong the very first time I seen my Husband play the Keys on our first date, my whole insides went into a frenzy! So I get it, but I wasn’t pressed on him. It just made me admire that he had true talent, and had fun doing it. Many gigs after that I witnessed the groupie train. Yes, these girls wait till after a concert, or service (depending on type of music) and go up to the Musicians, while they are packing up, and or in their little circle talking, and be all in their face or hanging around. I mean i’ve notice the same girl/girls ALWAYS around Musicians ALWAYS. Suspect maybe…YES…GROUPIE.

They are real, they are around, they are willing and ready to just catch whatever one they can…aaannnddd thats all Im going to say about that!

Are Musicians really freaks?

I laugh at this question each, and every time someone has the balls enough to ask me. I always felt like this was their way of asking me was my man a freak…I know your game…GROUPIE trying to befriend me…mmhhhmm. But, I say the same thing each and every time. I don’t know! Lol Honestly, I can only speak from my experience, and I don’t have any because my Husband is the only serious detailed relationship I have had with a true Musician. Now whether he is nasty, or a freak wouldn’t apply to him being a Musician but just him in general as a person.

Yes, I’ve heard conversations take place at a gig, where a group of girls were talking, and one saying how she preferred having a Musician because they were nasty, and freaks. And that they had better sex, she didn’t know why and didn’t care because it was good…ALL the time. APPALLED I was. This is a lady that just put herself all out there. This is why Groupies exist people!!! To much for me honey! But that keeps her boat afloat so hey, just don’t float your a$$ over here.

So, from what I heard, and stories I have been told I can’t say whether they are, or they are not.

Do Musicians make a lot of money?

Sometimes this question here really grinds my gears, because it goes to a deeper level, in the music world that I am attached to. But, it all depends on the gig, the artist, the establishment, and their level of talent. Theres some that make enough in one gig to pay your rent, utilities, car note, and everything in between for that month, shoot maybe even a few months. There are some that make enough to put gas in the car, and grab something to eat, and there are some that make whats in between. Like I said it all depends.

Do they have their own language?

Oh my god YES. They do, and it rubs off on you. I heard myself saying jax like i have been saying it forever! Tired as jax, hungry as jax, weird as jax, fixed, down in flames, all that nonsense they say. If you have no clue about music like keys, notes, hitting on the one, etc then it will sound like a completely different language…literally.

And lastly…

What’s it like, being MARRIED to a Musician?

Its ok. Not gonna lie or pump it up. It has its moments. Overall its ok…to me. Understand I was a girlfriend before I was a Wife. So I got the girlfriend treatment, which I believe was a lot better then the girlfriend treatment i’ve seen over the years, and when you get that you get the treatment where you can be welcomed or not. Because lets be honest, you might not be here very long.

The pros, I get to watch and be apart of his career. Not job, its his career literally. The traveling is always nice. I’ve met some really cool, talented, and amazing people from Singers, to Artist, Musicians, Sound People, Event staff, even other Wives that I can really relate to. Everything that I’m proud to say I’m connected to in some way shape or form on the account of him. Ive learned a lot, especially about him, and his world. Yes its a whole nother’ world. i’ve even learned a lot of things about music i never realized before. I don’t even listen/hear music the same anymore, since I have been with him.

The cons, when he is working or goes on the road a lot. There are certain times of the year that are just extremely busy more so then others. I mean back to back to back, non stop he can’t get a full nights sleep type of busy. And being as though it’s no longer us, but us and our daughter, it gets tough, and a little frustrating. The groupies, wanna be “friends” (females). The certain gigs, or people that don’t come through on their word. Just to name a few…

Please understand that I am not bashing Musicians or this life in any way. Im just being honest, in what I have come to learn. I always ask myself what in the hell was I thinking marrying a damn Musician, smh. I must have been on something, and why the hell didn’t anyone object at the wedding?!?! But to be completely honest…I wouldn’t trade this in for anything. You have to be one tough cookie, especially if you have a family, because he has to provide and work and if music is how he does so, you have to know how to cope, and do it properly. So those late nights when he is up, making tracks, listening to music, or in those stupid late rehearsals, or gigs that run till 1 am, or wind up staying another night out of town, studio sessions all day, or all night know it comes with the territory.

So cook dinner, make a plate pop it in the oven, to heat when he gets home. Make sure the house is clean, baby is good, and don’t be naggy and moody when he gets home.