Give Your Face A Clean Break: Shave Off That Stupid Beard

Men, and those of you who can sympathize, give your hairy face a break and shave off that silly beard.

It may not be the easiest thing to do, nor the most fun, but the benefits are enormous. To name one, you can stop sharing your dog`s flea and tick shampoo.

I personally sported a beard for a year and a half and became very attached to it. So I can understand that a lot of you guys will be hesitant to bare your . . . epidermis.

However, after long consideration and a number of off-hand remarks, such as, ``you ugly beast,`` I decided to get civilized.

And if the woman in your life acts as though she is being attacked by an unkempt billy goat each time you try to smooch, you would be well advised to do likewise.

Now, some of you are excused from this exercise. That would include persons under age 12 currently using ``Mister Shave`` kits with cardboard blades. Also, if your mug recently appeared on the cover of Vogue, no need to waste your time here.

For the rest of you, the cold hard reality is that you face the sharp steel edge of the blade. Different techniques are in order for different types of beards.

Let us start with those who have grown out their beards for, say, 20 years, or more. May I suggest a quality-make chainsaw, geared down to topple a sequoia. Watch yourself around the ears.

For those with industrial strength, wiry beards, you may want to soften your whiskers first with Janitor in a Drum. Be forewarned that this will not evoke the same response from your wife or girlfriend as, say, one of those sexy shaving lubricants that ``cream ya.``

That brings us to men with normal, everyday beards. Here, again, there are a number of ways to approach the situation.

One of the more popular of these is to carefully wash your beard with soap and water, cake it with shaving cream, scream ``BANZAI!!!`` then start ripping away with a twin-track razor.

After a few strokes, you will find the blades start to dull. You have two options: 1) Continue to scream and hack until your razor gives out or 2) bleed to death.

As it can be messy in either case, you might want to consider another approach, and that is simply to to tame your whiskers with scissors.

The hazard here, of course, is that your nose or ears may be hiding underneath and you will want to be careful not to lop them off.

With another method, you mold a moustache or a Vandyke on your face. Remember that facial hair offers the security of something to hide behind, and that is important to cowards like me.

No matter what method you use, the finishing touch is to shave off the remaining stubble with a second application of shaving cream and a fresh blade.

This should make for a refreshing experience, as your skin pores open and breath for the first time in a long time. Now splash on some after shave. Yes, it will sting a little. But howling and writhing in pain builds character.

There you have it. Gaze into the mirror and study the new you. Hopefully, you will be surprised to find how good you look. Hopefully, you will take new stock in yourself.

Then again, you may not recognize yourself and fall into a horrible identity crisis. In which case, go see a psychiatrist, but preferably one without a beard.