ROLLED IN BATTER AND BACON, READY TO SIZZLE AT THE FAIR

Cost of a Porkabello Kabob, Gouda cheese-stuffed portobello mushrooms wrapped in bacon, served on a stick for portability at the fair

Test subject: What’s new at the San Diego County Fair. (And by “what’s new” we mostly mean, “What new foods are being deep fried, wrapped in bacon or deep fried and wrapped in bacon at the fair this year?”)

The big picture: Technically, the theme of the 2012 San Diego County Fair is “Out of This World,” but for most folks the theme is what it always is: “Off My Diet and I Don’t Care.” With that truth in mind, I checked out some of this year’s most heart-stopping food items. So dive in, won’t you? The red-velvet funnel cakes are fine and the Albertsons stands carry Tums.

Best deep-fried slice of heaven: The first step toward accepting the gastronomic glory that is the deep-fried PB&J sandwich at the Chicken Charlie’s stand is admitting that it sounds awesome. And guess what? It is awesome. (And a bit of a fair bargain at $5.95.) Soft bread, smooth, slightly warm peanut butter and a crunchy deep-fried crust accessorized with a spritz of strawberry jelly. It is so good, Elvis is probably sending his henchmen from beyond the grave to snag him one. Don’t give yours up without a fight.

Worst deep-fried sugar blob: You win some, you lose some. And the deep-fried cereal at Chicken Charlie’s needs to go back to the deep-fried drawing board. What sounds like a stoner’s dream is actually a nightmare combination of greasy dough and congealed masses of sticky cereal. It also goes for $5.95, but only if you ignore me and buy it.

Best use of bacon and a stick: Like all good fairgoers, you will be drawn to the Bacon-A-Fair stand by the You Only Live Once promise of its beloved chocolate-covered bacon. But for me, the exciting new arrival was the Porkabello Kabob ($13), which are bacon-wrapped Gouda cheese-stuffed portobello mushrooms on a stick.

If I had you at “Porkabello,” you will be thrilled to know that this pairing of healthy mushrooms, gooey cheese and the inevitable bacon is even better than it sounds. And because it features a vegetable and is grilled instead of fried, it practically qualifies as a salad.

Most entertaining display of fair-food delusion: Watching visitors at the Bacon-A-Fair booth inquire politely if it is possible to get the beer-battered bacon sandwich without all those fattening fries. It is not.

Best reasons to step away from the napkins: Contrary to what your tingling fryer senses might tell you, there are new things at the fair that are not new foods. The most intriguing is “Our Body: The Universe Within,” a collection of real human bodies whose gross-out potential might save you from buying that final grilled meat stick on your way out.

Sadly, technical snafus at the box office kept me from going in, so I settled for the “Out of This World” exhibit. The displays devoted to NASA, space travel and UFOs were a little too science-fair for me, but the kids in your life will probably be enthralled. And as long as they’re looking at the astronaut suits, that deep-fried Tang is all yours.