On April 30, a daughter wrote of feeling awkward when visiting her mother who has dementia in a nursing home. She questioned whether the visits had any value. Here are the valuable responses you sent:

Reader 1: My mom passed recently. In the last few years she didn’t speak but she could hear and visitors were encouraged. I’d take her for a walk down the hall and talk to her about pictures or go to a window and describe what I saw outside. I took her to the chapel and said a prayer with her because she was very religious. When you don’t know what people remember, try different things.

Sometimes she’d grab my hand and bring it to her face or kiss me when I went to hug her. Most important was telling her about her kids and grandkids, even though it was a one-way conversation.

Reader 2: My mother was in a long-term care facility for over 10 years. A few tips: Become close and helpful to the staff. They have a tough job. I brought in treats for all, helped clear tables in the dining room if I was there at mealtimes and tidied mom’s room. I read the paper to Mom. When she was no longer interested, I sat and talked. When it felt awkward, I’d knit. I felt more comfortable doing something. Don’t expect your mom to respond, just be there.

When Mom became unable to feed herself, I went twice a day to feed her. I’d often bring in takeout and we’d eat in her room together.

Don’t let anyone tell you that your visits don’t matter and that she won’t know you were there. You will know!

Reader 3: Things to make visiting easier for everyone:

1. Take along pictures. My husband takes his iPad with pictures from his parents’ old photo albums on them and they scroll through them together.

2. Decorate her room for any reason (Christmas, a birthday) and change it often. I’d tell Mom about the changes and the staff said they enjoyed seeing them, too.

3. Ask staff what times are the best for them. They appreciate visitors, as it provides stimulation and supervision for the resident. Express appreciation for the care they provide. We also took in fruit trays for the staff break room (remember, there are three shifts).

4. Put a bulletin board and push pins in the room and encourage relatives to send bright cards. Look at the cards together when you visit.

5. Sometimes Mom and I just watched TV together, and I sat beside her so I could rub her back, hold her hand or hug her.

6. A manicure and hand massage pass the time and then staff don’t have to worry about cutting nails.”

Reader 4: Ellie, your advice about the importance of family visits was bang-on. Dementia patients will go in and out of knowing their relatives, but no matter. Frequently, my husband doesn’t recognize our son, yet recently there were definite signs of recognition and he couldn’t keep his eyes off him. (He no longer has any language.)

Also, it’s very important to help the caregiving staff understand who the person was. This is vital to establishing a personal connection. I made a “life book” for my husband, with pictures and stories of significant events in our lives and left in his room for staff to look at if they have a free moment.

TIP OF THE DAY

Family/friends in nursing homes need your visits and oversight more than ever.

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