Watching The Afternoon Play (BBC1) reminded me of the time I met the Queen. This is not because I'm a fervent royalist whose fond memories of the happy event are jogged by almost anything, but because the play, called Tea With Betty, was about another meeting between Her Majesty and a slightly reluctant subject.

The circumstances are slightly different. Wendy is a single mother, looking after her autistic son on a run-down housing estate. I was a horrid little boy at a posh school. But I think we shared some similar sentiments - bemusement, slight annoyance mixed with mild excitement, that kind of thing.

I don't know why I was selected to meet her - probably only because my hair was sufficiently short, unperoxided, and unspikey. Anyone who looked like a hippy or a punk was not only not allowed to meet her, but was actually locked up for the day to prevent an unplanned encounter.

Anyway, I was in this room with my friend Andy, and we were doing a bit of maths revision together, as we'd been instructed to. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and in walks ... ah, the Queen. We stood up, and nodded at her, and pretended to look surprised that the Queen had dropped by to see how the maths was going, as if all the rehearsals and the fact that there were police snipers on the roof weren't clues enough that it was on the cards.

And then Andy went a bit off-script. The Queen asked: "So this is where you work is it?" And he replied something like: "Well, where we're supposed to." She looked at him with total incomprehension - what is this odd boy saying to me? And it was left to the headmaster to explain - he's joking that they weren't really doing any work at all, probably listening to music, boys will be boys etc. And he ushered her out quickly, giving Andy one of those later-you-will-be-tied-in-a-laundry-bag-and-thrown-in-the-river looks (you get those looks at posh schools).

To start with it's even more awkward in Tea With Betty. There's inappropriate graffiti on the way up to Wendy's flat, about what Tanya likes to do to Karl. And, once there, Wendy's son Kieran comes over all Asperger's and starts telling the Queen about his project on toxic scum (not Tottenham, but when algae reacts to photosynthesis in hot weather, raising the levels of nitrates in water). Also, it isn't the punks and hippies who've been hidden away for the visit, but Wendy's ex, Sean, who's dressed as Spider-Man. He's been shut in the bathroom, but it being a bathroom, the lock's on the inside, so Sean gets out and comes in to meet the Queen too. In his Spider-Man suit.

They have a domestic - Sean did sex with so-and-so, that's why they split up. Well, Wendy then did sex on the sofa with what's-his-name from next door. Oh no she didn't. Yes she did, Keiran found the condom in the loo, it hadn't flushed.

And all the while the Queen, played quite queenily by Rosemary Leach, is sitting there with her cup of tea, looking not at all amused. She tries to move the conversation on to the African lilies, but then gives up and gets involved, dishing out advice. Queens' counsel I suppose.

You won't have seen Tea With Betty unless you're old, sick, a housewife, househusband, unemployed, a shirker, or mentally ill. It went out at 2pm. And that's a shame - all of those people would get something out of it, and it was a giggle. And Rosemary Leach's Queen is much more fun than the real one, though to be fair on Her Majesty, she wasn't really given a chance. Having now seen Tea With Betty, I'm wondering what would have happened if the headmaster hadn't whisked her off so quickly. The ice may have melted, she could have been interested in what music we were listening to, there may have been jokes about Sony Walkma'ams (this is way pre-wePod) and listening to Baupalace. It would have been fun, and Andy and I could have ended up as fervent royalists.

How the mighty have fallen. Angus Deayton, you may remember, once fronted a flagship satirical news quiz. Then his enthusiasm for cocaine and prostitutes became public, and he had to disappear for a while. Now he's doing Help Your Self With Angus Deayton (ITV1). It's basically what Clive James was doing ages ago with Japanese telly (mocking it) but with American self-help videos (how to beat the crap out of someone, fold napkins, call an elk) instead. It's not very original, but it is quite funny. And it could have turned out worse for Angus - he could have ended up on Celebrity Big Brother.