Glory! Deep-sixed my chances on the campaign trail by french-kissing the babies and high-fiving

the moms

Glory! Told my 6th grade teacher she kinda had that 'fuck me' look. Glory! Spent 13 weeks combing a lexicon for misspellings. Glory! Lectured my child's cubscout den on the joys oftantric sex. Glory! Invented motorcycles which ran on fear. Glory! Instigated the first all nude PTA meeting. Glory! Avoided comic books like the plague. Glory! Beat a sofa within an inch of its life.

Glory! Moved to Akron to better understand Haitian Voodoo Rituals. Glory! Became king of the mountain, only to realize I now stood atop a hill of my own spit. Glory! Rewrote the book on how to write the book. Glory! Heralded in the age of the 'Beer Bong Philosopher'.

Glory! Confused sight and smell, attempting to smell my way down a darkened path. Glory! Investigated the origins of the world's first joke.