The random ramblings of a crazy girl. Fall down the rabbit hole with me.

Exhaustion and a loss of anger… (edited version)

Have you ever noticed that when you love someone or care a great deal that you argue with passion? Maybe not always with passion but you argue because it’s important to share feelings with that person. Well, it’s not a good sign that I’m no Longer willing to argue with THE friend.

I’m not sure why he does things that he knows piss me off. Maybe he wants me to get mad and eventually hate him. Maybe he’s just totally selfish and just doesn’t give a shit. Either way it’s all signs of immature disrespect in my opinion.

In the past, distant memories have kept me in his life but those memories fade and the crap that he dishes out to me is no longer smaller than those recollections. I’m just a truncated stop on the tour of his life anyway but the difference now is that I’m not sure I care.

I don’t have the energy left To keep doing something that’s just upsetting. Which is appropriate since he’s never had the energy to care. I’d assume that this would be a friendship that he’d mourn once it was gone but now I realize that it really doesn’t matter to him. He’ll just fill this position with some other girl and then another and another.

Memories usually save relationships but memories need to be brought about by something material. We have no pictures together. He’s never given me anything. He’s the one person in my life that’s never given me one thing that I can keep and treasure and be reminded of good times we’ve shared. Which are so few and far between now it doesn’t even matter.

I’d ask why I put up with this but I don’t need to much longer. This whole thing will be a distant memory. The saddest fact is that he doesn’t even understand anything past his own situation. Because he doesn’t try. I am happy with the knowledge that I would have helped him, prayed for him and given him anything. All he had to do was realize that I was actually more than a bus stop.

(edited)

For some reason, since I posted this and since I’m doing something mundane I’m thinking about this a lot. I don’t want to. I want to give this “friendship” the smallest amount of attention that he does but it’s just really bothering me. I have always asked so little of him, if anything at all. He can’t even do the smallest little things. I hope he understands that just because he does something “out of the ordinary” or something so small for appreciation it will not mean that I think he feels something that he doesn’t. I’d say that ship has sailed but that ship was never even in the dock.

I’m also, still, looking at this entire situation from both our eyes and all I can think of is that if someone treated him, the way he treats me, he would NEVER put up with this. That’s the bottom line. And while he spends all our “quality time” on social media flirting with the next woman in his life I’m worried about his well being or trying to help him in some way or sitting right next to him feeling like an invisible piece of shit.

While he makes me feel like that invisible piece of shit, I’m fully aware that that is not who I am. I’d pray that he realizes how important I am or how awesome I am one day but that seems like such a hard accomplishment. With all the good things that are going on in my life right now and this is the one thing that I choose to write about is upsetting.

I spent time with my ex on Friday and we had a great time. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other. He cooked my favorite meal. He was interested in all I had to say and asked my opinion on some important issues in life and he, once again, made the offer that I fear I’m just getting to weak to ignore.

There’s a man that’s willing to give me everything that I’ve ever wanted but all I can muster the strength to write about is the man that’s never given me a thing except a reason to cry. How sad is that? How effed up is that?

It appears that I’m in need of more meditation where I think of nothing. I keep praying for God to “fix” or “end” this relationship but it appears that this is a one way line of communication… because neither of those things are happening right now. I’d be just as happy if it could be fixed. It’s broken and I’m not even sure that THE friend cares enough to notice.