CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

It is with great sadness that I announce that Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a sponsor. No, it wasn't because they finally realized that golfers don't actually need electrolytes, it's far more nefarious than that. They dropped Tiger because he was doing the only thing that really required Gatorade - having sex with dozens and dozens of women not named Mrs. Woods.

I'm not one of those who see the glass as seven-eighths empty. I see it, rather, as one-eighth full. So I'm not crying in my crisp, refreshing Canadian beer over last night's 5-3 loss to the United States in Olympic hockey.

No, there is an upside: Canada won't have to face Russia or Sweden in the gold-medal game next weekend. The downside is that we will have to beat both those powerhouse teams one-on-one to get within even sniffing distance of the podium. Assuming we can first dispatch Germany tomorrow night.

The Vancouver Olympic organizing committee has gotten a lot of unfair criticism, so I hate to pile on. But I've watched quite a few medal presentation ceremonies over the past few days, and I'm now fairly positive: that is not Canada's flag on display. Ours is a red maple leaf on a white central square, with two red bands half as wide on either side. Its proportions are therefore 1:2. All the flags I see raised at the medal ceremonies appear to be 2:3. And I'm making allowances for camera angles.

It seems the moment that Barack Obama took over the Presidency of the United States, his overall message changed. “Change We Can Believe in” morphed into “Bipartisanship: Now and Forever.” Like Bill Clinton before him, the need for Republican acceptance has become a an almost fetish for Obama, with the results thus far quite predictable – the U.S. government is now radically partisan.

So a lot of people, including the President, have been talking lately about remedying the evils of college football. The chief evil that needs remedying is apparently the Bowl Championship System, which isn't enough of a "real" championship and needs to be replaced with a system of playoffs. That's a big surprise to me, because I can think of a lot of other problems with big-time college football, and instituting playoffs would probably make them worse.

Our cousins across the pond took former Prime Minister Tony Blair to task yesterday during an Iraq War Inquiry. Not to be out done, the Obama Administration has announced it is ready to do its own investigation – of the Bowl Championship Series.

While the team’s are still undecided, this Super Bowl XLIV promises to be a truly spectacular event where all Americans can come together and be thankful – for the fact that Tim Tebow’s mom didn’t abort him.

Mark McGwire has come out and admitted the one thing everyone knew about him – that he took performance-enhancing drugs. Of course, as has been his wont since his retirement from baseball, McGwire did so in a cowardly and milquetoast manner.

“I was given a gift to hit home runs,” said McGwire, who is attempting to return to baseball as a hitting instructor for the St. Louis Cardinals. “I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.”

Don't mean to step on anyone's franchise (no need to lawyer up, Deadman) but I simply have to share this armchair fan's elation at tonight's orgy of televised hockey fare: four games to choose from, spread over the next seven hours -- and much of it top-notch.

I read today that sales have soared for British science popularizer John Gribbin's Get a Grip on Physics. The reason? Photos of Tiger Woods's crashed SUV showed a copy of that 2003 book on the floorboards. So Tiger wasn't distracted by the drugs or alcohol he'd imbibed, or wife Elin tossing golf clubs at his speeding vehicle. He was simply so engrossed in the book that he failed to successfully exit his driveway. That's some riveting reading!

LA LA LAND - Former Alaska Governor and current multi-millionaire Sarah Palin, noting that she has received less attention in the past few days due to the scandals surrounding Tiger Woods, has announced that she will be hiring Kenyan Pastor Thomas Muthee - her personal witch doctor - to remove the demonic spirits from Woods.

(FINAL UPDATE: According to People Magazine, the woman taken from Tiger Wood's home in an ambulance was his mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg. Hospital spokesman Dan Yates told reporters that Holmberg, a well-known politician in Sweden, was admitted for stomach pain and is currently undergoing evaluation. He described her condition as stable. A family member also confirms that Holmberg is in stable condition and undergoing evaluation. -- WKW)

LAS VEGAS - In a shocking move by Ultimate Fighting Championship owner Dana White, President Barack Obama has been named the winner of Ultimate Fighter season 10, replacing Roy Nelson as this season’s winner.

In the latest bit of proof that today`s politicians are running the show only because the best and brightest wouldn`t get within 20 miles of politics, Sen. Harry Reid showed his compassion and transparency, all the while loading up on Tiger Woods Keywords.

[....] Last month, Jared Kushner announced the Administration’s support for the bill in a Wall Street Journal op-ed, writing that the six million Americans in local and federal prisons are included among “the forgotten men and women” that Trump vowed to fight for during his Presidential campaign.. “Get a bill to my desk, and I will sign it,” Trump promised. The House passed the bill this week.

President Trump on Thursday canceled a planned summit next month with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, citing “tremendous anger and open hostility” from the rogue nation in a letter explaining his abrupt decision.

“I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting,” Trump said to Kim in a letter released by the White House on Thursday morning.

The summit had been planned for June 12 in Singapore.

In his letter, Trump held open the possibility that the two leaders could meet at a later date to discuss denuclearization of the Korean peninsula, which Trump has been pushing.

"President Trump’s unprecedented meeting on Monday with the FBI director and deputy attorney general regarding a case in which he is directly involved may turn out to be the defining moment of his presidency and for his party. Bob Bauer at the Lawfare blog writes:

North Korea is threatening to reconsider Kim Jong Un’s participation in a summit with President Trump next month, saying it is up to the United States to decide whether it wants to “meet us at a meeting room or encounter us at nuclear-to-nuclear showdown.”

Stacey Abrams just one the Democratic Gubernatorial race in Georgia by roughly 3:1. She could become the first black and first female Governor of Georgia. It looks like the Republican candidate will be chosen after a runoff election since no one reached 50% of the vote.

Evans argued that Democrats could win by appealing to moderate Republicans. Abrams argued that the party needs to focus on disaffected Democrats. Abrams won. Abrams even won Democrats in northern Georgia with small minority populations.

Kendrick Lamar brought on a white fan onstage to rap along with his song “m.A.A.D. City”. When the fan rapped the song as written, repeating the N-word three times, Lamar halted the performance. He told the fan that she could not use the word. She apologized. He gave her a second chance. She almost rapped the word again, the crowd was not having it. Lamar ushered the fan off stage and continued the performance.

The audience responded negatively to the white fan using the words on stage. She lost the crowd with the first use of the words. Some did point out that she was just rapping the words as written.