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Beyond Forgiveness to Reconciliation

By Katrina J. Zeno

Catholic Way -
Just because we don't hold grudges doesn't mean
that we are living up to the true Christian ideal of reconciliation.
Pope John Paul II reminds us with both his words and his action that
true reconciliation is not achieved by merely tolerating those who
may have hurt us, but by actively embracing them in love.

In the Jubilee Year the pope is on a mission and his mission is reconciliation.

Not only has Pope John Paul II written and preached about forgiveness
and reconciliation, he has incarnated it. His trip to the Holy Land
last March toppled centuries-old walls of resentment, anger, and alienation.
Where others barely achieved a crack, the pope sent walls tumbling down.

Why? Because the pope goes beyond forgiveness to reconciliation. He
lives out St. Paul's words in 2 Cor 5:18: "All this has been done by
God, who has reconciled us to Christ and given us the ministry of reconciliation."

What is this ministry of reconciliation? Certainly reconciliation involves
forgiveness and an apology, but it's more. Reconciliation goes beyond
words to actions. Reconciliation restores the relationship to where
it was before the offense. It accepts and integrates the offender back
into our life.

This is not the "gospel" most of us want to hear; however, it was precisely
the good news that Bishop Joseph Ekuwen of Nigeria announced at a national
Catholic conference in England this past summer. In explaining the difference
between forgiveness and reconciliation, Bishop Ekuwen said: "When someone
offends you and makes an apology, you forgive them but keep them at
an arms distance. You refuse to re-admit the other into your life. When
you do this, reconciliation is missing."

Instead of keeping the other at an arm's distance, the bishop said,
we must ask God for the grace of reintegration, of restoration. We must
accept the offender back into our lives just as God accepted us back
into His life. To illustrate his point, he turned to the parable of
the prodigal son.

I have to admit that when he mentioned the prodigal son I rolled my
eyes. What more was there to learn from this parable that has been milked
for all its jubilee worth? Of course, I was wrong. Here's a condensed
version of Bishop Ekuwen's explanation:

At one point in time (i.e., before original sin), we lived in harmony
with the father (God) and the elder brother (others). We lived in joy
and happiness. Then, through our offense (wishing the father were dead,
i.e., original sin) we broke the relationship and went our own way.
However, despite our unfaithfulness, God was always faithful; he was
constantly expecting our return. When we return, the Father not only
forgives us, He reconciles us to the family (i.e., the ring, robe, sandals,
and festive celebration). He reintegrates us into the life of the family.

And what's the elder son's beef? He would hear nothing of reconciliation.
He didn't want to take his brother back into the family. He wanted to
keep him at an arms distance. He refused to restore the relationship
to where it was before the offense.

Wow, did that make me look at my relationship with God differently!
I finally understood reconciliation not merely as God turning a blind
eye to all the bad things I've done, but reintegrating me into the family.
God doesn't keep me at an arms distance, but he puts me right in the
middle of the perfect family, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

And what about my relationship with others? As children of God we must
try to live out our Christian life in imitation of God. That means we
can't just forgive, we must also reconcile. Here, Bishop Ekuwen was
very direct: "Is there someone on this globe who offended you and you
have forgiven, but not allowed back into your life as it was before
the offense?" he asked the crowd. "This is perhaps one of the most difficult
aspects of our Christian life because many people forgive, but they
do not reconcile, they do not take back fully those who offended them."

He's not kidding. I've seen it in living color: families split by squabbles
over money; two Christian sisters who were best friends but now cordially
tolerate each other because of an incident with their children; spouses
who occupy the same living quarters but are emotionally distant. As
for me, it didn't take two seconds for the Holy Spirit to show me the
people I keep at an arms distance: my former husband, two of my sisters,
friends whose values I don't share. And now the bishop asking me to
integrate these people back into my life. That's beyond heroic; it's
saintly.

But that's precisely why Pope John Paul II makes headway. He never keeps
another at arm's distance Jew, Orthodox, humanist, or assassin. He didn't
just speak about forgiving his assassin; he went to his prison cell
and embraced him. He welcomed him back into his life, into the family,
thus reminding the whole world that God has welcomed us back in Christ.

In this Jubilee Year, may each of us embrace this ministry of reconciliation.
May we become imitators of God and Pope John Paul II by going beyond
forgiveness to reconciliation.

Katrina J. Zeno, a freelance writer and speaker
on topics such as the nature of men and women, singles and romance,
the culture of life, the new feminism, prayer, and parenting, is also
co-foundress of Women of the Third Millennium, an organization that
promotes the dignity and vocation of women through one-day retreats.
Her articles and interviews have appeared in numerous periodicals,
including Our Sunday Visitor, New Covenant Magazine, Catholic Parent,
and Franciscan Way, and she has spoken in the U.S., Canada, England,
and Trinidad.

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