Saturday, June 4, 2011

[This time Swedish political advocate and monarchist "The Pirate King" actually sent a review that didn't make my computer commit suicide. Here it is. -Ed.]

Hoorah, a one-dimensional graph comic! Isn't that just the most exciting and humorous type of graph there is? I feel so deprived, having to go eight comics without one.

Now let's talk about the content, or more importantly, the statements Randy is making and what they say about him.

First off, he says anyone from zero to like... three? is non-sentient. Now I'm no pro-lifer, but that is a pretty creepy thing to say. He is basically equating three year olds to slime molds. I know maybe he's trying to be all dismissive and dark, or whatever, but it is disturbing to me. I remember taking a psychology class (not nearly as "pure" as Randy's physics, of course!) and being amazed at the amount of definable developmental landmarks that occur in the first few years. But nope, disregard all of that, "non sentient". I just hope he's not serious, because if he is, I'm guessing he'll go on some sort of baby-eating rampage. Rather than getting comics about Megan's tender nipples, we'll get ever-more disturbing comics about the moist, succulent flesh of infants. And I'm sure his fans will GOOMHR like never before.

Next he breezes through childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, nothing really out of the ordinary there except the assumption that everyone gets drunk at college (which is probably all randy did).

And then, apparently, according to this graph, Randy JUST learned that relationships are hard, like a year ago. I suppose that explains a lot, but I don't really like being generalized into having the same dysfunction as Randy. He did this in the last comic too, as Gamer_24k pointed out.

So we move on through adulthood into middle age, Randy makes hackneyed references to stereotypes about these age groups, and we get to old age. Apparently, old people get all the sex.

I'm getting this picture in my mind... a teenage Randall, saying to himself "when I'm in my twenties, then, then I'll get all the sex!" And then a barely adult Randall saying to himself "when I'm 20, then, then I'll get all the sex!" And then he just skips over about thirty to fifty years and decides it must be when you're really old that you get to have a lot of sex.

This is a sad, sad story, but not one that we should be surprised by.

That's all I have to say about this comic. Just watch the headlines: "Disgruntled webcomic artist Randall Munroe arrested for the murder of 12 infants!" You'll see.

I was going to make a crack about Randall not understanding sentience, but I think I'll offer this instead:

Comic strip artists often produce material which, for whatever reason, just doesn't work. Deadlines don't allow for much leeway, however, so occasionally the artist is forced to use one of these not-so-great strips to remain on schedule.

This comic came from Randall's failure file. I've never been more sure of anything. This isn't even his B-grade material; more like something he hastily sketched after downing a fifth of something cheap and playing Alter Ego.

As the moon rose and the hour grew late, the day-help on the coconut estate raked up the dried leaves that fell dead from the trees, which they burned in a pile by the lake. The beetle king summoned his men and from the top of the rhododendron stem, "Calling all volunteers who can carry back here, The Great Mystery has been lit once again."

One beetle emerged from the crowd in a fashionable abdomen shroud. Said, "I'm a professor, you see, that's no mystery to me. I'll be back soon, successful and proud." But when the beetle professor returned, he crawled on all six as his wings had been burned, and described to the finest detail all he'd learned. There was neither a light nor a heat in his words.

The deeply dissatisfied king climbed the same stem to announce the same thing, but in his second appeal sought to sweeten the deal with a silver padparadscha ring. The lieutenant stepped out from the line as he lassoed his thorax with twine, thinking, "I'm stronger and braver and I'll earn the king's favor. One day all he has will be mine."

But for all the lieutenant's conceit, he too returned singed and admitting defeat. "I had no choice, please believe, but retreat. It was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat, and it cracked like the thunder and bloodshot my eyes – though smothered with sticks, it advanced undeterred. Carelessly cast an ash cloud to the sky, my lord, like a flock of dark vanishing birds."

The beetle king slammed down his fist, "Your flowery description's no better than his! We sent for the great light and you bring us this? We didn't ask what it seems like, we asked what it is!"

His majesty's hour at last is drawn nigh. The elegant queen took her leave from his side. Without understanding, but without asking why, she gathered their kids to come bid their goodbyes. And the father explained, "You've been somewhat deceived. You've all called me your dad, but your true Dad's not me. I lay next to your mom and your forms were conceived. Your Father's the light within all that you see.

“He fills up the ponds as He empties the clouds, holds without hands and He speaks without sounds.He provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat, giving one that nice salt taste and the other its sweet. Sends the black carriage the day death shows its face, thinning our numbers with kindness and grace. And just as a flower and its fragrance are one, so must each of you and your Father become. Now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne and all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone."

Without further hesitation, without looking back home, the king flew headlong into the blazing unknown. And as the smoke ring hurled higher and higher, the troops flying loops around the telephone wires said, "Our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead has been utterly changed into fire. Why not be utterly changed into fire, why not be utterly changed into fire?"

I think people are overreacting to this one. The 'non-sentient' thing was just a throwaway joke about babies... being babies. Heck the whole thing's a throwaway joke.

Now I did find it a bit depressing that we must be stereotyped into these age brackets. Specifically, I don't like that the 'Everything is exciting.' bracket stops at 12. Why can't we be like that our whole lives?

On an unrelated note, Rob's profile has OVER 9000 views. The fact that I'm amused by this just shows how immature I am.

Jon Levi, do you think there really is somebody called Megan out there being stalked on a daily basis by Randall?

Because if so you're right. She's out there and she fears for her life. She's tried to get a restraining order but Randall's hacking skills prevent her applications from ever being processed. It's a very unfortunate situation.

I don't know if Megan exists or not, but it would make a great fanfic.

I've had this idea in my head for a few months now, where Rob moves to Massachusets and tries to destroy Randall by secuding Megan, to take away the one thing he loves.

But Randall is too clever for them, and uses his leet hacking skills to make their computer spit out locusts, or something. It soon becomes a battle of troll vs troll, each trying to rip the other's life apart.

Only with the help of his trusted companions - Ravenzomg, Kitten(s) and ALT-F - can he defeat the evil webcomics genius, and maybe even find love.

@Anon450: Regardless of the source of this dubious claim, I doubt that you understand that the issue's the same: Without that dread italicized presence your words lose all manner of eminence! Be the words from song or tale, in either case we declare, "you fail".

Randall is not hitting on anyone, I'm sad to say. he strikes me as one of those antisocial aspies who LURVE SCIENCE and BOOKZ cause it's all they'll ever have.

On that note, why do you all assume he got drunk at all during college? He made at least averagely good marks and definitely didn't socialize much. So I find it most likely that he studied till the wee hours while others were having fun and drinking.

I really didn't like the non-sentient human beings thing. Like, is he trying to say something about prolife/prochoice? Because if so he's failing miserably.

I don't get how it would be a throwaway joke. Unless the whole graph is sort supposed to be ironic. Like "look how inaccurate it is to judge by age." But if he's trying to do that, he's also failing pretty hard.

I think maybe the above commenter was right... He just doesn't know what the word sentient is.

Argh I wake up at 5.15am on a day that I have an exam and I find out Martin Rushent is dead and I decide 'oh well maybe I'll go to xkcd and it will be amusingly bad' and BHG is being not BHG and now my head hurts and I've run out of paracetamol and what is happppppppppening

Anon 8:47, I'm the only one who said anything about randy getting drunk at college.

Maybe you're right and he didn't, in which case it proves your point about him failing pretty hard at proving how stupid it is to judge people by age. Unless he assumes that he's the ONLY one who didn't get drunk at college, which is more likely, and that's also pretty stupid.

Basically, the massive amount of networked computing power that is often thought to be decentralized ("the cloud") is surprisingly run on a single machine, which is in turn connected to the world via a single vulnerable cable. Stilted dialogue ensues; hilarity does not.

The new one is so obnoxious. I'm almost certain I've had just about the same conversation (minus the "Cloud") with my autistic cousin a couple of times. The Hat Guy, well, he's just not who he used to be. He is now simply a guy who doesn't understand social cues and patterns rather than a guy who understands them deeply and is consciously trying to disrupt them. It makes me sad.

It's sort of a funny idea- what if 'the cloud' was just a server in some guy's basement?

That's the comic, though, apart from some hints that Mr Hat's lines might be a bit tongue-in-cheek, it doesn't try to develop the idea anywhere or make a joke out of it. It's just, here's an idea, it's not that great but Randall's got slutty daughters and grandma Megan to keep him occupied; no time for comic.

I suppose this really just serves the French right for supporting America in its treasonous revolution. If the Brits still ran the place the chambermaid would have been burnt as a witch while Mr. Strauss Kahn would have been given a knighthood and a first-class berth on the steamer for Boulogne.

The French are always locking each other in hotel rooms and engaging in criminal sex acts. You see it's all part of the laid-back Mediterranean lifestyle. It was a serious error of judgement, however, to try it in New York.

'The wildest dreams of Kew are the facts of KhatmandhuAnd the crimes of Clapham chaste in Martaban.'

Much has changed since Kipling's day, I'm afraid. Martaban is as dull as a wet Welsh Sunday, whereas the crimes of Clapham any evening of the week make Sodom look tame.

You're right, ALTF. The Brits love the French and would hate to see a senior French official embarrassed. It's a well known fact that the French and English have never gone to war. Churchill described the French and English as sharing "a special relationship". The longest non-militarized international border in the world is between a former British colony and France.

I'm surprised that Randall is not saying that babies are "non-sentient". With xkcd, I've learnt that all that babies do is stand on their feet and say "Baby!". I think that implies at least a small degree of sentience.

Captcha: Indefil. I have an atheist dyslexic friend, and he considers himself an indefil.

Come now, ALTF - youth gangs stabbing each other and recording it on mobile phones is hardly Sodom levels of debauchery. I mean, if an angel of the Lord came down to Clapham High Street, the first instinct of the locals would be to mug him, not rape him.

Anyway, one night of Torture Garden doesn't quite capture the milieu of Clapham. A better picture would be that of an overall-clad white-van man kicking at the toilet door in a McDonalds while hoodies argue menacingly with the staff over the price of a cheeseburger without the cheese.

Okay guys. I've actually been doing some character research for the fanfic I might write. So far I've looked at some old Xkcdsucks posts, other blogs, interviews with Randall and Ravenzomg's Facebook profile.

I might include Ann Apolis as another character. That means there will be three British characters - Ann, Kitten, and probably ALT-F.

I haven't been able to find any information about Megan, so I will have to completely make up her character. That will be fun.

Also, Rob will not be morbidly obese in the story. You can't sympathise with a morbidly obese main character.

A chav is not a hoodie (at least, not simultaneously), and neds are Scottish. A hoodie is a youth wearing a garment with a hood, often for the purpose of obscuring identity whilst shoplifting/mugging/walking.

Not all the 50ish Brit ex-pats are paedophiles - infact few are(1). Many seem to have 20ish Thai lady friends though.The 50ish German and Swedish ex-pats, however, seem to prefer their trysts to be young.

Okay, I have suspicions that ALT-F might be British underneath all the fake persona. 'Lift safety' was a dead giveaway for Kitten(s), and Ann Apolis says somewhere that he's British, I'm sure. Then again, he lied about being a doctor, and female, so I don't know.

What I do know is Raven's second name, and the fact that she's Canadian.

@Gamer_2k4No offense, but you don't appear to have any wacky personality traits. Maybe if I needed a straight man (WARNING: TVTROPES) character.

For the benefit of the unlettered, research 'Phaedo' and 'Plato' together.

Jon Levi said:

"....Then again, he lied about being a doctor, and female, so I don't know...."

I don't prevaricate on blogs, that's just wrong.It is quite a simple task to convince Yankees of pretty much anything. They have a stereotypical view of the word outside their borders - that is among those who actually believe there is a world outside their borders - so a few well placed 'Non-Americanisms' will suffice.

You're just jealous that I have three copies of the 21st Chromosome and you only have two!Loser!

Dearest Jon: 1) "Straight Man" is such a ridiculously common phrase that you're insulting yourself by assuming anyone with any level of cultural immersion above "Thai transsexual living in the northern Hebrides to escape persecution at the hands of slighted ex-fiancé" at all doesn't understand the term. 2)You know I am Canadian and what I call myself at bars. THAT IS ALL. 3) some emoticons to balance out the mood: ^_^^_^^_^^_^^_^ 4) I AWAIT THE RESULTS WITH ECSTASY AND BOREDOM.

Dearest Jon: No one here is exciting enough to be in the story except for you, and maybe Ann. Rest of us are all just overcompensating for an otherwise unfulfilling life, some more than others you-know-who-I'm-talking-about.

....Spell-check claims "unfulfilling" is not a word and suggests "unfulfillable" which is depressing as hell. I'm so emo even my spell-check has lost all hope.

Supermodels are not wont to become heavy with child - even if they could bear crotch-fruit.Their dieting usually renders them infertile - not enough body-fat to convince their bodies to maintain menses you see.

Well fuck me from behind with yet another variant definition of a common word.

I can't keep up.

My supermodel quip still resonates though.I would have voted for Baroness King of Bow, not Boris. Though his bon mot regarding 'Cincinnatus and the plough' when asked if he might stand for Parliament in the next general election with a view to succeeding David Cameron as the Leader of the Conservative Party was vote-worthy.

i just want to take this time to recognize ALTF's brilliant trolling. no other troll in the history of xkcd sucks has inspired so much hatred that people have made a java bookmarklet that removes them from the comment threads.

Jon Levi?Please to explain the Anonymous 1:02 comment for me.What is he/she saying?

Rob?What is a Java Bookmarklet? And how does it remove my comments? I see my comments and others seem to be able to see them - they respond - I am ignorant in the ways of the World Wide Web. I am not new to it though.

In fact, that's why it kind of stuns me when people say, "I don't ACTUALLY hate xkcd; I just think it's amusing to make fun of it." To me, this blog is serious business. (Of course, I have the luxury of only writing guest posts when xkcd actually provokes a response from me, rather than because I feel obligated to do so.)

With your help Rob, I think I have deduced the answer to my query.I could encode a Java Bookmarklet, a sub-programme that prevents a specific commenter's comments from displaying on my screen. It doesn't mean that they are not there for others.That is fine by me.An accomplisment it is, but it pales in credence to an outright ban - like the lovely, but City imprisoned, Kitten did to me for a time.

I suppose this really just serves the French right for supporting America in its treasonous revolution. If the Brits still ran the place the chambermaid would have been burnt as a witch while Mr. Strauss Kahn would have been given a knighthood and a first-class berth on the steamer for Boulogne. June 6, 2011 6:41 AM

Aquarians Love To Fuck said...

The French are always locking each other in hotel rooms and engaging in criminal sex acts. You see it's all part of the laid-back Mediterranean lifestyle. It was a serious error of judgement, however, to try it in New York.

'The wildest dreams of Kew are the facts of Khatmandhu And the crimes of Clapham chaste in Martaban.'

Much has changed since Kipling's day, I'm afraid. Martaban is as dull as a wet Welsh Sunday, whereas the crimes of Clapham any evening of the week make Sodom look tame. June 6, 2011 7:04 AM

Not all the 50ish Brit ex-pats are paedophiles - infact few are(1). Many seem to have 20ish Thai lady friends though. The 50ish German and Swedish ex-pats, however, seem to prefer their trysts to be young.

Besides, aren't the Brits Phaedophiles first? With the possible exception of those who spent their impressionable years at Eton or Harrow? June 6, 2011 10:08 AM

Aquarians Love To Fuck said...

For the benefit of the unlettered, research 'Phaedo' and 'Plato' together.

Jon Levi said:

"....Then again, he lied about being a doctor, and female, so I don't know...."

I don't prevaricate on blogs, that's just wrong. It is quite a simple task to convince Yankees of pretty much anything. They have a stereotypical view of the word outside their borders - that is among those who actually believe there is a world outside their borders - so a few well placed 'Non-Americanisms' will suffice.

You're just jealous that I have three copies of the 21st Chromosome and you only have two! Loser! June 6, 2011 10:29 AM

@gamer_2k4: I was initially here to disrupt XKCD-sucks activity, and then I realized that I really did hate xkcd, and now I've realized that it's not XKCD I hate, but the people who genuinely believe XKCD is without fault that I hate.

Don't get me wrong, XKCD sure ain't great, though. But I'm mostly here for the awful discussions and even more awful opportunity to post my yet further awful guest posts.

There's one pet I like to pet, and every evening we get set. I stroke it every chance I get, it's my girl's pussy. Seldom plays and never purrs, and I love the thoughts it stirs. But I don't mind because it's hers, it's my girl's pussy. Often it goes out at night, returns at break of dawn. No matter what the weather's like, it's always nice and warm. It's never dirty, always clean. In giving thrills, never mean. But it's the best I've ever seen, it's my girl's pussy.

There's one pet I like to pet, and every evening we get wet. I stroke it every chance I get, it's my girl's pussy. Seldom plays, never purrs, and I love thoughts it stirs. But I don't mind because it's hers, it's my girl's pussy. So often it goes out at night, and returns at break of dawn, break of dawn. No matter what the weather's like, it's always dry and warm. I bring titbits that it loves, we spoon like two turtledoves. I take care to remove my gloves, when stroking my girl's pussy.

"...."It is for the best Kitten."This is the only sentence I have ever understood from ALTF...."

It has been for the best JustScott.

It is probably a good happenstance that R. has evoked a Java Bookmarklet block on my dross.When I articulate his nomen in my head I employ a very sexually suggestive alveolar trill. His cardiovascular system is ill-equipped to deal with the predictable 'turgi-surge'.I use it for Rob too, but he can take the resultant newtons per square meter.

What the hell is this?

Welcome. This is a website called XKCD SUCKS which is about the webcomic xkcd and why we think it sucks. My name is Carl and I used to write about it all the time, then I stopped because I went insane, and now other people write about it all the time. I forget their names. The posts still seem to be coming regularly, but many of the structural elements - like all the stuff in this lefthand pane - are a bit outdated. What can I say? Insane, etc.

I started this site because it had been clear to me for a while that xkcd is no longer a great webcomic (though it once was). Alas, many of its fans are too caught up in the faux-nerd culture that xkcd is a part of, and can't bring themselves to admit that the comic, at this point, is terrible. While I still like a new comic on occasion, I feel that more and more of them need the Iron Finger of Mockery knowingly pointed at them. This used to be called "XKCD: Overrated", but then it fell from just being overrated to being just horrible. Thus, xkcd sucks.

Here is a comic about me that Ann made. It is my favorite thing in the world.

Frequently Asked Questions

Divided into two convenient categories, based on whether you think this website

Rob's Rants

When he's not flipping a shit over prescriptivist and descriptivist uses of language, xkcdsucks' very own Rob likes writing long blocks of text about specific subjects. Here are some of his excellent refutations of common responses to this site. Think of them as a sort of in-depth FAQ, for people inclined to disagree with this site.