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Journal #9 – Stepping Back to Reflect

Depending on which journal entry you read first, this post and the post and the post I put up in the Type 5 blog will be similar (albeit that one is far more condensed).

As much as I want to say that I’m moving on towards acceptance of my friend’s death, I wonder if I’m just trying to push it out of thought and to enjoy myself instead of clearing any thoughts that still linger. Is this that retrogression towards Type 7 that Types 5 sometimes face? I feel that by dwelling so long on remembering my friend and just thinking is causing me to separate too much from everyone around me, though. Even more so than the degree to which I usually separate myself. It’s so easy to tell yourself to not think of something, but actually doing it is so much more difficult. I honestly can’t stop memories that we shared from coming, nor thoughts of the upcoming visitation service this weekend where I’m sure to just break down. As much as I want to just clear it out of my system, there’s just too much keeping me busy to allow time to really just remember my dear friend.

I mentioned this in my comment slip about Swimme’s lecture on Monday, but his 4 suggestions really stood out to me by the end of lecture. In particular, the idea that disorder is needed in order to evoke creative emergence. What sorts of disorder does he actually mean, though? Do we mean disorder in the sense that the dinosaurs were moved to extinction by an asteroid, paving way for mammalian life? Or can the disorder be on a smaller, individual, and more personal scale such as the death of a close one? I came to accept that any sort of disorder can be an influential source, as I definitely consider my friend’s passing to be of great disorder – particularly during such a hectic time in my academic and extracurricular life. And is creative emergence limited to large events such as new life? Or can it be emergence in the sense of a greater understanding of one’s own life? Everything seems to be explored on the macro level when sometimes I just want to start small and observe it at the micro level.

Also, something that’s been striking a dissonant chord with me is, once again, religion. My friend who passed is “Buddhist”. I am “Buddhist” as well (quotations? refer to my last journal entry). Several friends are of some Christian belief. It’s odd for me at times to read/hear when others say “may he/she rest in Heaven”. I just stare at the statement and wonder, what if the person isn’t of some Christian faith? Aren’t non Christians destined to.. Hell.. for not believing? Religion is just so odd and it’ll forever perplex me. Also for those who say “see you up there” – do Buddhists go “up” somewhere if they’ve reached Nirvana? I don’t even know, considering how lacking I am in knowledge on Buddhism. Does Heaven coincide somewhere along with areas of other religions? I’m just confusing myself now.

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Be kind to yourself Paul, there is no “right way” to grieve. I would encourage you, though, to not hide- be forward facing, both towards your emotions about this moment, and your desires to continue with your activities. Let each have its place. My heart goes out to you.