In search of the light

I’ve started this and deleted the first sentence about twenty-six times in the last thirty minutes. Because sometimes there just aren’t words. Or as Forrest Gump says, “Sometimes there aren’t enough rocks”. I don’t write about current events very much. Not because I don’t care, but because I usually want this to be a place where we can laugh and try to find the lighter side of life.

But right now that place seems hard to find.

If you had asked me on Friday morning what I was going to write about on Monday, I’d have told you it was going to be all about the last six days we’ve spent in New York with Mimi and Bops and my sister and her family. And there is so much to tell.

It was precious time spent with people I love. Getting to show Caroline the city of New York at Christmastime will go down as one of my favorite memories ever. Especially Friday morning when we went to visit Santa Claus at Macy’s on 34th Street. Watching her face light up as she told him what she wanted and Santa taking the extra time to discuss the Percy Jackson books she’s currently reading made it one of those magical moments I’ll remember always. It was one of those rare times when real life surprises you with so much joy.

And I guess that’s part of why I couldn’t stop the tears when we made it back to our hotel later that afternoon and I learned the full extent of what occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary. Because while I was watching Caroline and my niece, Sarah, experience the very best of childhood magic and wonder, there was a school of precious littles, just sixty miles away, experiencing horror beyond comprehension.

Honestly, I don’t even think I can let my mind fully go there or I may never be able to get out of bed again. It’s too much. Too much sadness, too much agony, too much hurt.

As a parent, I hear bad stories and tend to mentally list all the reasons that could never happen to Caroline. I pay attention. I don’t leave her at home alone. I don’t let her walk down the block without watching to make sure she arrives safely at her destination. I make sure I know everyone she comes in contact with in the course of a day.

But what happened Friday shatters any illusion we have of being in control. Those parents dropped their babies off for a day at school. A day that should have been filled with learning how to use verbs in a sentence or adding numbers or eating paste like every other elementary school kid. And the unfathomable happened.

And now there are Christmas presents that will sit unopened, and hearts that are forever broken, and lives that will always bear the scars of a cold Friday in December that was probably filled just hours earlier with weekend plans to look at Christmas lights and visit Santa and drink hot chocolate.

I don’t have any answers because I don’t think we’ll understand as long as we’re here on earth. But here’s what I do know.

I know that this is not our home. I know that there is a God in heaven who is good and faithful and true even when nothing makes sense. And I know that we live in a fallen world filled with sorrow and tragedy and madmen capable of terrible things.

I know that there is no better time than Christmas to remember that God sent his son into the world to save us all from darkness and sin and certain death. And that 2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that weeping may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning.

One of the parts of the Christmas story that’s often swept under the rug is the mass murder of innocent children at the hands of a crazed King Herod that caused Joseph and Mary to flee with Jesus to Egypt. There’s no way to make that look pretty. No way to dress that up as part of the manger scene with wise men and shepherds and maybe a cow for good measure.

Yet it’s there. In all its ugliness and darkness. But it’s easier to deal with because there is time and distance. It’s part of history. There aren’t pictures of those precious faces all over Facebook, but they, too, were babies whose lives were cut tragically short and left behind parents filled with unimaginable grief.

The truth is our world is filled with darkness and always has been. Satan comes to steal and kill and destroy. And what feels more destructive and violent than innocent lives, who embody the very tenderness of God, filled with so much light and promise and possibility with freckles across their sweet faces?

I know that we are called to be a light in a dark world. And, as much as something like this makes me want to wrap my whole family in protective bubble wrap and spend the rest of our days within the walls of our home, we are called to spread the love of Christ and share that there is hope and redemption and peace and purpose beyond what we can imagine right now. Jesus came in the form of a helpless baby, but he won’t come back that way.

He’ll come as a conqueror. And evil will be vanquished forever.

On the plane ride home, I heard the lyrics from “I Heard the Bells On Christmas Day” and they fell fresh on me.

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

That’s the very heart of what Christmas is all about.

Our hearts are broken for you, Newton, Connecticut. You are in prayers. And we weep for your babies.

I was teaching 5th grade during 9/11. I stayed glued to the television for hours, days, weeks after it happened & it emotionally gutted me. Since then, I haven’t been able to watch stuff like that. Most especially this. These kids were my child’s age and the women were doing my job. Hits WAY too close to home. I’ve had to read little bits on news sites to find out the truth. I’m still waiting to find out the motivation behind going to the school after he’d already taken care of his mother at her house. I expect we may wait years to find this out.

I downloaded “Maybe This Christmas Tree” from Amazon last week. It has some interesting, sort of sad, melancholy versions of Christmas songs. “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” sung by Pedro the Lion is on there & is especially sad.

I have been an ostrich this weekend, refusing to turn on the tv because, like you said, if I let my mind go there I will just curl up in a fetal position. Both of my children are adults, married or getting ready to be, and school teachers. I have to tell you that this article deserves a pulitzer, or whatever the grand prize for writing is. I have never read anything that puts things in perspective, reminds us we aren’t here for anything other than growing His kingdom. Thank you.

Melanie, thank you thank you thank you. What you have said here, yes, i agree with Kelly, you are gifted with your words. Thank you for sharing and speaking that truth. I read your blog every day but rarely comment (because, um, you have no idea who I am), but AMEN AMEN AMEN. Your blog is a blessing to me for the laughs, but also for your integrity in terms of your beliefs…both resonate and honestly bless me every day. Thanks for being you and being out there and for saying all of this.

So beautifully stated, especially pointing out how King Herod. I just read that part of the Christmas story to 3 and 4 year olds yesterday at church. There just are no answers, at least not any that are going to satisfy our souls. This is the reality of a fallen world. God knows how incredibly difficult this world would be and how hard it is to be us and to be here. The think that kept running through my mind this weekend was “how long, Lord, how long?” I long for heaven at times like these.

My husband calls the majority of the ‘wisdom’ people write on Facebook at times like these “Facebook Theology” and it drives him batty. At times like these, there just are no words and trying to with a bunch of words that are nonsensical just seems to make it worse, and frankly, most people end up making God look like a petty score keeper. God knows this world is hard and how hard it is to be us.

Crying over those precious babies and feeling their parents grief this early morning, awake in cold and snowy Colorado. My heart aches for all of them. My youngest daughter is in college, getting her degree in elementary education. I have many family members who work in the education field. This hits into my heart. There are no words.

I’ve been listening to Casting Crowns’ “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” over and over this weekend. And I’ve barely watched the news–just a little, sort of like peeking through your fingers during a scary movie. As they’ve released the names of the little ones, I’m like you, I just don’t think I can completely let my mind go there.

As another avid reader but infrequent commenter (this may be my first, I’m not sure), I agree with Kerry – you don’t know me, but your blog blesses my heart. Thank you for today’s post, and another reminder that not everything in the Bible is pretty – even the Christmas story – but EVERYTHING in the Bible is necessary, and ours. It follows what my pastor said yesterday in a sermon about 2 Samuel 9, the story of Mephibosheth. The reality of life is that it isn’t fair, and everyone will come upon hard times, some so hard they’re unimaginable to the rest of us. BUT…we always have a God who will provide for us, and take care of us, and welcome us home when we come to Him.

Thank you. I will be sharing this! I never watch the news…EVER. But people everywhere are talking about it. You can’t get away from it. And they all have the same question…why?! I am thankful that, though I cannot answer them their questions, I can turn them to The One who is The Answer.

Brilliant. Just brilliant. I am off to school now, where I teach and two of my children attend. Thank you for so eloquently sharing your faith.
As my friend, who just buried their 12 year old daughter, says “Every day with joy.” Still.
Merry Christmas~

Thank you for saying what I wanted to say but couldn’t. I was waiting for your blog entry today. God bless you and your family and thank you for the comforting words. I have passed them on, with credit to you, to those that need them today.

I posted on my facebook this morning your words “2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that weeping may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning” along with the scripture it references and a link to your site. Thank you for the reminder.

Beautifully written. I still can’t comprehend how someone could shoot innocent, little children, much less adults. Praying for those babies’ families, as well as the families of the adults that were killed. Victoria Soto’s uncle lives not far from here.

Well said, Melanie. My son is a middle school teacher and now more than ever, we must remember to pray over our schools. We all have evil inside of us but by the grace of God and Jesus Christ, we also have redemption. I am thankful I serve a loving God and, while His heart is surely broken over humanity, this horrific act was no surprise to Him. God is still the answer to our hurts and if we choose Him, joy WILL come in the morning.

Friend…I think this is my favorite thing you have ever written. Our God is good and He is faithful even in times of utter darkness and despair. Your words are a message of hope. Thanks for writing them. xoxo

Thank you. As my husband, who is a school teacher, and our young boys all left the house this morning I admit I was nervous. My whole world was walking out the door and headed to school. But I know God is in control. I know he is much bigger than my nervousness. He has all of us in his hand. I pray for each teacher today. I pray they have the words they will need to comfort their school babies. I pray God wraps his loving arms around each one of them today and safely returns them home.

Thank you for writing this. Going to go find my sheet music to “I heard the bells…” and play it on the piano. Dropped my kiddos off this morning and parked, got out, put my gloves on, and marched around the building praying and pleading the blood of Jesus.
And I cannot wait for him to come back…as it says in this song from my church “Behold He comes, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpet call…”
He is our warrior and our conqueror.

Beautiful. Tears are flowing as I trust God and pray for CT. It was so hard this morning to let my boys go to school today. Thank you for the reminder that God is in control. I love “a baby’s cry was a holy roar at evil.” My prayer is that through this tradgedy, this country sees our desperate need for God and turns back to Him – no, runs back to Him.

I got down to the ninth paragraph but I had to stop…I can’t. I just can’t. Will read your post at night time when I can go cry it out…again. Saving the mornings for happy right now…and I KNOW that making this small decision and to even to live my little happy life right now is a HUGE privilege because NO ONE in Sandy Hook can ignore or post phone one second of the Hell they are living.

Finally read the post this AM…seems I could have kept reading and been blessed yesterday but alas, that lump in my throat was physically painful yesterday. Thank you for expressing your heart and my heart and so many of our hearts. Jesus is the ONLY ANSWER!! HE IS EVERYTHING!! Do those parents know that all of us across the nation are grieving with them?! If they did, would it help? I don’t know. But I know your post helped ME with MY grief, and judging by the comments, it helped all of us who are so fortunate to read your words. Thank you, Melanie.

Well Said! I Have seen several conversations on facebook discussing this issue. I wanted to reply back and started to do so, but as I began to type, I could not put all of my thoughts into words and express them in a way that is so thoughtful and perfectly on target the way you have! I hope you won’t mind if I share some of your words (of course, I will give you the credit!)because you do explain everything so well! I think that people who do not have a relationship with God and are not Christians are using this horrific act to better their cause. You truly explained the Christian view point so well, and I wish everyone could read it! Thank you for shedding His light on a very painful situation for all of us! God Bless!

This was so needed that I shared it on Facebook. I especially loved the line “2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that weeping may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning.”

Melanie,
Thank you for writing. Christ spoke through you today (well, last night as you sat on the couch). Thank you for writing about Herod’s baby slaughter. It’s horrible, evil and true. Evil is not a fictitional character. Satan is a murderer. A serial killer on the largest scale. John 10 “Jesus came that we may have life and have it more abundantly.”

My favorite line: “2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that though crying may last for a night, joy comes in the morning.” Well said.

In a situation where there really are no words, you found some, and they were beautiful. I too recalled Herod and his part in the Christmas story. In my 41 years, I have only heard one sermon about this horror….ever. Yet, as I tried to comprehend what happened on Friday, that part is what came back to me. Jesus even from toddlerhood was no stranger to tragedy, unimaginable evil, and grief. And as sobering as that is, it is also comforting in a weird sense that He knows our sorrow…intimately. He loves, He cares, He is with us, and somehow He will cause all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28).

Melanie, you have been given such a gift with your writing. Thank you so, so much for sharing this! It is so very beautiful.
On Sunday, our pastor asked those who had a nativity scene in their home right now to raise their hands. Of course, every hand went up. He said keep your hand raised if you have an angel … a shepherd, … three wise men … a camel … at different times some hands would be lowered. Then, without missing a beat, he said, “King Herod”. Of course every hand was lowered immediately. And he also made the point about that horror being a real part of the Christmas story.
Like so many others I love the line, “2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that weeping may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning” Wow.

“I know that there is no better time than Christmas to remember that God sent his son into the world to save us all from darkness and sin and certain death. And that 2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that weeping may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning.”

I’ve been thinking about those unopened presents, too. We go about our lives planning everything out, but we don’t know what’s around the corner. There’s no way to plan for what happened. Sweet babies. I pray we would all know God’s peace and comfort this Christmas, but especially that it will wash over all of those families of Sandy Hook and that he will truly hold them in the palm of his hand.

Melanie, this so beautifully put into words all the wildly swirling emotions that have been with us since Friday. I wept once more as I read this, but I hope that the faith and hope that comes through with the grief in your words will help us make a better way ahead. My heart breaks for those babies, those families, those teachers and our world. Thank you for helping us think about it in a prayerful, peaceful way. God bless.

Thank you Mel for the beautiful post. It took everything in me not to break down reading your post here at work. Your post did help bring some comfort though. We have to rely on God and our faith in him for the day will come when he will wipe away all of the evil that is in this world.

I love your blog. I think you have a genuine heart for Christ and a sense of humor that puts people at ease. Thank you for writing such a sweet and heartfelt post today. To be honest with you, I haven’t even dealt with what happened in CT because I can’t wrap my brain around how some one could do that and what those children and now their families were/are feeling. Your blog post actually helped me to put some perspective on everything. I’m flat out sick of seeing all the posts on FB and people using it as a political platform. So thank you again and I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

You, sweet Melanie, fought the good fight today with this AMAZING post. I know God is so proud of you for ministering to a big community with your writing, and advancing the gospel with this one. Thank you. And this may be one of the most powerful sentences I’ve ever read in my life {and if I can learn to link, I’m sharing}: “And that 2000 years ago, the cry of a baby was a holy roar letting evil forever know that weeping may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning.”

Thank you, thank you. Your words have expressed the cry of my heart and the tears I have shed. You are a gift from God to a world that needs, at times, laughter….and at other times, a safe place to cry. So glad this blog is here….

Melanie,
Obviously you don’t know me but I love your blog and follow it religiously. It may be the very reason some cute items adorn my closet….all thanks to Fashion Fridays! 🙂 May I just say this post today is my absolutely favorite I’ve read concerning the tragedy in CT. You nailed it girl and very profoundly.
Blessings to you and your family and a very Merry Christmas!
Lindsay

Beautifully written. And that’s one of my favorite Christmas songs because it’s so true. I, too, want to feel like I’m in control of everything that my children come in contact with, but this past year I’ve had such a burden to pray for them because, in my heart of hearts, I know that I’m not in control. I can stalk them for the rest of my life (and Facebook really helps with that, just ask my mother), or I can spend that energy learning to trust God. It seems like such an easy choice to make, but it’s actually difficult for me.

I have to say that is very well written and made me cry. I don’t have children but have a niece and 3 nephews and several “adopted” children. I have hugged and told every one of them that I love them. You were able to put into words what everyone has been wanting to say. Thank you very much……….

Preach it sister. Our God is NOT dead. He will come back and wipe away every tear and redeem this broken place. Until then, I want to teach everyone around me that their is a Father who protects, heals and restores. He is alive and well! He came to give us life so let’s live! Blessings to you sweet girl.

Oh how I needed to read your words tonight…Thank you for reminding me of the “rest” of the Christmas story. I feel lost as I try to make it through the day wondering what our world is coming to…And I needed your reminder that Jesus came to us in the dark, and He will come again. To cling to Him is all we can do, and I truly thank you for your post.

Melanie, this is truly exactly what I needed tonight. Thank you sweet friend for writing such heartfelt words. I read your blog and like so many other have never commented but felt the need to do so today. I am in my 21st year as a public school employee, and have had to separate myself from this tragedy as much as possible. It is exactly as you said…..I just can’t allow myself to go there.

Thank you for your beautiful words. I had been thinking of those same words from “I heard the Bells on Christmas Day”, and also these from “This Is My Father’s World”:
This is my Father’s World
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong
Seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet!

Thank you so much for your words. I love your blog for all the light-hearted everyday moments, but you really do write about the “deep” things with such clarity as well. Thank you so much for sharing.

Truly, our Savior will come and have His victory over all these tragedies that break His heart. He “treads the winepress of the wrath of God,” and this evil and sin that we see in events like Friday’s will not be forgotten by our Just, Mighty, Loving God. Come, Lord Jesus!

I wrote about the same thing today….God is good and loving and hates evil as much as we do. In the end, He will set things right, and w do not need to despair, no matter how bad the suffering. We live in a fallen world. Enjoy your writing, so I subscribed to stay in touch!

I have had trouble reading, watching, thinking about anything having to do with this. But I knew you’d put it in words as well as my heart is trying to. You said it just right – exactly how I feel, and I applaud your bravery for putting it “on paper” as the rest of us just can’t. Thank you. I pray for your healing and peace, along with everyone else’s.

Thank you for writing. You give voice to so many moms’ feelings. I am a pastor’s wife and my husband’s sermon on Sunday was very similar to your post today. He came to redeem us. This is not our home. Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus!

I heard a psycologist say thre would be no trama as a nation or individuals in a week or 2. I was stunned because I know parents everywhere will never ever forget this. Does one ever forget death? My heart is so heavy for the families, the town, and the world. It is all blending together and I grieve and pray.

I hope it is ok with you to share this at the Parents Prayer Meeting at our primary school on Thursday morning. Here in N Ireland we are very priviliged to be allowed to meet as parents in a public school once a month to pray for our school community – with the blessing and support of a Christian principal and many Christian staff.

Our hearts go out to the parents and families involved in this tragedy.

[…] as Melanie wrote so beautifully earlier this week, “Jesus came in the form of a helpless baby, but he won’t come back that way. He’ll come as a conq…” And as I’ve listened to my favorite Christmas hymn this week, I haven’t thought […]

Melanie’s latest book

Subscribe to the blog feed

Who is Melanie?

My name is Melanie and, in some strange twist of fate, I’m also known as Big Mama because I started this blog in July of 2006 when my daughter, Caroline, was not quite three years old and I was in the process of convincing her that BIG girls use the potty and BIG girls don’t have pacifiers, thus she thought BIG was the highest compliment in the land and began referring to me as BIG MAMA.