Petophilia: Jake The Primate Marries Zoo Handler In Church Ceremony

BILLINGSGATE POST: Primate and gay lover say, "I do." In a rare confluence of legal issues that point out the problems that ensue when there is a conflict with the laws of nature and the laws of man, the ACLU and the Lambda Legal Defense have agreed to defend the right of Jake the Primate to marry his cross dressing, lesbian zoo handler, Cornelius Hunnington III.

Mr. Hunnington, formerly known as Ms. Cornelia before his/her operation, met Jake in 2015 while feeding him bananas in the monkey section of the San Francisco Zoo. Before the California Supreme Court directed the City to stop issuing trans-specie marriage licenses, Jake and Cornelius were united for life by Rev. Lactose Vermillion of the Church of Sexual Revisionism.

The ceremony was beautiful. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, whose choir is well known in the Bay area, sang the usual wedding songs with respectful fervor, albeit hoarsely, due to over-indulging at the rehearsal dinner. As the couple walked down the isle, they sang "Five Little Monkeys Jumping On The Bed." Flora "The Freak" Frapacione, President of San Francisco Chapter of Dykes on Bikes, was both Best Man and Matron of Honor for the couple. She was wearing black leather motorcycle chaps which exposed her bare buttocks; unconventional but quite appropriate for this type of ceremony.

Their case has been coordinated with five other cases filed by anti-cross specie groups trying to to keep marriage solely a union between a man and a woman. A Bay Area reporter, who spoke with a number of trans-specie couples, said that the plaintiffs were united in the belief that consenting adults of any specie must come out for justice and fight for the right to say, "I do."

Although Jake the Primate was only 9 years old when he took Cornelius for his mate, in wedding pictures he appears to be well beyond prepubescense as he indiscriminately displays his genitalia while wearing his leather cupless thong tuxedo. Whether a case of petophilia can be brought against Mr. Hunnington is being debated. Who knows at what age it is appropriate to monkey around with a primate?

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