Title: Ma, Can I keep him?Chapter: 16/?Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)Rating: RWarnings: It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys and according to Bill Gates, I don't own most of my software.

Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.

Previous chapters can be found in my memories, here. If you have trouble accessing them there, just use the memories found on my user info page.

Chapter 16

"Once again, Mikey," Brian reiterated while grinding his teeth together and holding his forehead, "and make it slow."

Brian rubbed his hand across his face. This was not happening. 19 year old blue-eyed, blond twinks didn't just mysteriously vanish into thin air. Brian continued to pace in front of the family, trying to keep from exploding and wringing Mikey's neck, who at this point in time, happened to be the last person to have seen Justin.

"Briiian," Mikey whined, pleading with his big puppy dog eyes.

The whine. God, how Brian hated the whine.

"We were just walking around the corner of the barn, we were talking about comic books," Mikey related quickly, "we were talking about making our own comic book when I had to go take a piss and I turned away and then I went back and he...he wasn't there!" Mikey looked at Brian, breathing heavily after having related the story to his adopted brother one more time.

Brian paced back and forth. When he was done, he paced some more. He was not worried. He was most definitely not worried. The kid meant nothing to him. He remembered the kid this morning, standing in his new white overalls, the bottoms of which fit oh-so-perfectly on his ass, smiling his killer smile. But he meant nothing to him so he wasn't worried.

God, he was so full of shit sometimes.

He was worried. Very worried.

And afraid.

It was one of those gut wrenching fears - the kind that starts in your heart and descends down into the pit of your stomach. Your brain leaves the vicinity, its navigation system on auto pilot.

The kid had been missing since early morning. Brian and the family had searched the entire homestead, the surrounding forest, and even had Ranger Ben searching the town. It was now late afternoon, nearing twilight. Searching would be out of the question soon as it would be too dark.

For the life of him, though, he couldn't figure out what happened to the kid. The most feared and terrifying thing on the homestead (and the whole town for that matter) was himself and he knew he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't hurt a blond hair on the kid's head.

Brian looked at Debbie. Exploring - now wouldn't that be great. Maybe he could explore the pen, where his fiddler boyfriend was locked up. Oh, now wouldn't that be just great. Brian broke free of Debbie and paced again. "We need to find him."

Just as Mikey, Brian and Debbie were about to walk out the kitchen door, a loud crash was heard and everyone turned to the source.

Another brick, like the first time Justin had sat at the breakfast table, had been thrown through the kitchen window.

"What the fuck? I just had that goddamned window fixed!" Debbie screeched while putting her hands on her hips.

Brian bent down to pick up the brick. He had another one of those feelings that secured itself in the pit of his stomach.

Everyone gathered around Brian as he read the note attached to the brick.

It read: WE HAVE JUSTIN. BRING US YOUR SPERM OR ELSE!!!

Brian looked at the note again. His hands were shaking. He then peered a little more closely at the note. There were a few drops of what appeared to be blood. Brian ghosted his fingers over the drops.

Yeah, Brian thought, Ben. Ben would be good. We'd all sit down and have a dialog, maybe some tea, they'd see reason and give Justin back - unharmed.

Shit!

Brian got ready to go to the truck when Debbie put a hand on his arm. "Let's wait for Ben sweetie."

"Fuck that," Brian said but stopped when he noticed another page attached to the brick.

He picked it up. Debbie and Brian read the note together. The writing was not as bold as the first note and was in a finer script.

It read: Please hurry. The kid is eating us out of house and home. The red blots on the first page are ketchup stains. Please hurry.

Debbie picked up the letter and wailed again, "Oh my poor baby! They're starving him! Why when I get my hands on those muff-divers..."

Okay, Brian thought, Justin was still okay, but the question was for how long, and what was he supposed to do?

Just then, Ranger Ben walked in to the house. "I heard about the situation. I say we surround the perimeter, get the girls to open a forum for discussion, and then..."

"Fuck that," Brian said for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "I'm getting Justin back - on my own." Brian then went to leave again but Ben was blocking his way to the outside, the truck and his Justin. His Justin. "Out of the way Ben."

"Now, Brian, I know you want to go in there and handle this yourself," Ben continued.

What Brian wanted to do was make muncher meatloaf.

"But you can't just go in there half-cocked," Ben said while looking at the disgusted look Brian threw his way.

"Brian!" Debbie screamed. Brian looked back at the woman who stood there, the look on her face stating everything. The one that said, "listen to me you little shit and don't talk till I'm finished."

Everyone stopped to look at Debbie - Mikey, Ben, Brian, and then Vic and Ted. Emmett had somehow mysteriously shown up also, which he seemed to have a habit of doing.

"Why don't you," Debbie said while looking away, "why don't you just give them what they want." Debbie then sighed, "would it really be that bad?"

Yes, Brian thought, it would be.

The thought of kids was just not something he ever planned on giving consideration to. It was against everything he stood for. It was a crapshoot whether the kid would come out alright...it was...and then it hit Brian. A crapshoot. A variable that would lessen the odds. He then looked at everyone in the kitchen. Several variables as the case may be.

He'd kick himself later for why he hadn't thought of it before. Later though, after he'd fucked, sucked, rimmed, rammed and held on to Justin for at least 24 hours.

"Okay, let's give the munchers what they want," Brian said looking at all the people in the kitchen.

"Well that was easy," Emmett said while putting his hand over his heart, "you're actually gonna do this?"

"Actually, we're all going to do this," Brian said with a smirk, "except for you Debbie...and you Vic."

Debbie and Vic dutifully left. All the men gathered around the dixie cup. They all looked at each other, unbuttoned their pants or unbuckled their overalls, and proceeded to take their dicks into their hands.

"I don't know about this," Ben said.

Brian put his hand on Ben's shoulder, "what's not to know. Think of it as leaving something of yours behind. Think of it as your immortality. There's a good chance that the brat will be a little bit of all of us - a well hung, tree-hugging fag who likes to dress his cats up in comic book heros clothes and thinks he's invisible."

Ted leaned his back against the wall and closed his eyes. He then started to stroke himself and a smile grew on his face. He then started to moan, "ah...ah...Justin...oh yeah...just like that..."

"Teddy!" Brian yelled.

Ted snapped back to attention. "It could've been Timberlake!"

The moans started to get louder and louder. "Mikey," Brian gasped as he started to get into it, "stroke harder - you're not even fully extended yet."

"I AM FULLY EXTENDED!" Mikey yelled. Just then Ben leaned over Mikey.

"I love it when you scream like that," he said in a low, shaky voice. He then shot into the cup, Mikey close on his heels.

Brian followed them once his fantasy of a soaped up Justin in the shower did the trick.

Emmett and then Ted finished up. All the men looked in the cup, filled to the brim with their essence, ready to be the bargaining chip in the release of Justin. They all then turned to look at each other, after having shared their mutual release, clearing their throats and trying hard to look the other way.

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement and took off for the truck, Brian holding on very dearly to the cup. They arrived at the munchers in record time and Brian was the first to run through the front door.

"I have your sperm!" he yelled into the foyer. Old Betsy McCreedy walked by at that moment shaking her head.

Just then Lindsay and Mel stepped into the foyer, Justin tied up in Christmas ribbons between them.

Brian, once the relief set in of seeing Justin in the flesh, and oh how good he looked in the flesh, shot a dirty look at Lindsay.

"What? We didn't have any rope," Lindsay said.

"Yeah, but what's with the bow?" Brian said pointing to the red monstrosity sitting smack in the middle of Justin's chest.

Mel grabbed hold of Justin, "you have the sperm?"

Brian held up the cup. "Now, you give me Justin and I'll give you the cup."

"Oh no," Mel said while shaking her head, "you give me the cup and I'll give you Justin."

Mel turned to Justin and untied the ribbons. "Okay sweetie, you go over to Brian," Mel said while kissing Justin on the cheek. Lindsay then turned to Justin, "oh Justin, here's those cookies you liked so much," she said as she also kissed him on the cheek. Justin then hugged Mel and Lindsay back.

"Oh my God," Ted said, "it's the Stockholm Syndrome."

"Fuck," Brian said, "is this part of the torture? Are you trying to turn him lesbian?"

Justin rolled his eyes and made his way to Brian. Brian handed the cup to Ben who in turn handed it to Mel and Lindsay.

Brian grabbed Justin by the front of his overalls and crushed him to his chest. He then whispered into his ear. "I was so worried about you." Their lips then met and Brian sucked on Justin's lips as if he hadn't tasted them in forever. Justin clung to Brian as tightly as he could.

"You did this for me?" Justin asked quietly.

"I was going to do it anyway," Brian shrugged.

Yeah, Brian thought, he was so full of shit.

Brian had thought about the possibility that Justin might someday have to go home. After being without the kid for most of the day, he realized one thing.

He couldn't let the kid go.

And most importantly, he wouldn't.

Debbie and Vic arrived right at that moment, taking in the scene of Brian and Justin who seem to have melded into one. "Shit, they're gonna do it right here."

Mel and Lindsay looked at the cup. "Oh Mel - I can't wait! We need to go upstairs right now!" Both Mel and Lindsay ran up the stairs while Brian continued to devour Justin's lips.

10 minutes later

"Okay, we're done!" Mel and Lindsay sang together as they came down the stairs, giggling like a couple of schoolgirls.

Everyone turned to look at the happy couple. "And," Lindsay said, "there was so much sperm in the cup, that there was enough for two dosages, so I impregnated Mel too. We're both going to have babies!"

"Oh, isn't that great. Now we'll have two insane, hormonal psycho lesbians in the town," Brian said.

"Well, there goes the neighborhood," Emmett said.

Vic leaned over and whispered to Ben. "Shouldn't you be taking them into custody for kidnapping Justin?"

"I can't do that. They're the mothers of our children now," Ben said shaking his head and walking over to the other guys.

Ted smiled and looked up, "I'm gonna be a father."

The sudden realization of what they had done had hit the guys all at once. Their actions today would have an impact on generations to come. Their legacy was to be carried on in the form of two children, who would be carried and then reared by two women of questionable sanity. They all shared a moment of reflection while the weight of its implications bore down on them.

"So," Emmett said, "Jeopardy is on in 5 minutes."

Everyone filed into the television viewing room, chatting away about nonsensical things.

It will end someday, just not now. I haven't killed off enough people yet. (I rewatched episode 214 the other day and it was hard to look at the Sap without going into a fit of giggles after what I did to him). Besides I have lots of surprises in store for everyone!

You are cwazy! And this story just gives me the giggles. Where to start...oh yeah, all of the guys jacking off into a cup. Priceless. And I so don't want to see what the product of that experiment is gonna look like!! But I can't stop imaginging it.

Insanity is a lovely thing. Keep it up. But you gotta work the McDonald's penis things in this somehow.

OMG if there was ever an award for best crack writer your on my number one list. You never seize to amaze me with the stuff you write, you can have me turn into hysterics in 20 seconds flat.

WE HAVE JUSTIN. BRING US YOUR SPERM OR ELSE!!! - those cwazy lesbians will be the end of us, the things you do to those poor boys bwhahaha i just loved every bit of this. Do not ever change your writting its loved way too much. How I love thee cannibal fic..it fills a hole that no other crack can.

You know you knew I'd love it, you know, and I did, especially the Mikey bit;

"The moans started to get louder and louder. "Mikey," Brian gasped as he started to get into it, "stroke harder - you're not even fully extended yet.""I AM FULLY EXTENDED!" Mikey yelled. Just then Ben leaned over Mikey."I love it when you scream like that", and having a circle jerk for altruistic purposes is pure comic genius. I'd like to see that on film.

It was zany and kind of life affirming, which means I missed that small element of uncomfortable ickiness where someone is ground into sausage, shredded by piranhas, or eviscerated.

"what's not to know. Think of it as leaving something of yours behind. Think of it as your immortality. There's a good chance that the brat will be a little bit of all of us - a well hung, tree-hugging fag who likes to dress his cats up in comic book heros clothes and thinks he's invisible."

I love the fact that this story is crazy and so damn good! Mel and Lindz definitely have some mental issues but then again so do the rest of them. I mean, who would eat a human sausage much less any sausage! Yuck!