Category Archives: Social Life

Often when I drive around I can’t help but notice the names of the several businesses in town. My first question usually is how and why they come up with these names and more often than not, who approved of those name. Sad to say, the answers don’t come to me as easily as I would hope, so I keep on driving.

On one of such journeys, I decided to take a long of the most outstanding ones I espied. Behold, I give you ten (10) of the names that made it to my hit list.

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1. Unique Christianville Educational Institute

I’m not sure what to make of this. I never knew of a town by name Christianville nor have I ever heard of its educational institute. It must be where all go to become Christian.

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2. Peculiar Child Academy

Motto: Peculiar, we are the children!

Peculiar is not a word I would choose to describe my children. So a whole school full of them would be rather much. By the way, who came up with that motto?

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3. Your Hearts Desire Boutique and Beauty Shop

Name your hearts desire and you’ll have it. Whether it is shoes designed by Cartier or Louis Vitton, or the dress Nicole Kidman wore at the Oscars. It’s all yours!

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4. Unique Foresight Internet Cafe

If my foresight were not unique, I wouldn’t own this wonderful slow connection Internet cafe. How many people do you know who own Internet cafe’s? I’m the only one with this unique foresight! [The COW]

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5. Wisdom Laundry Services

Wisdom could be the name of the owner. Or better yet they wish to show you that they employ ample doses of wisdom in laundering your clothes.

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6. Good Name Fitting Shop

Where all who have good names go to fix their cars.

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7. Green Cheese Spot

Before I go further, I should state that this is a local “blue kiosk”. When I say “blue kiosk” you should know that I’m refering to our very ubiquitous street corner drinking bars. Now, I have 2 questions. Why cheese? I mean seriously, why cheese? Seeing as the spot has nothing to do with any item on the tall list of dairy products. Secondly, must the cheese be green?

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8. Ex Gratia Enterprise

Owner: “While I was in a position of power, I saved up enough money to start my own enterprise in a 10×15 kiosk. But my ESB could only do so much. I couldn’t summon the courage to steal more. So please buy from me, I beg.”

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9. The Lord’s Arrow of Deliverance Enterprise

Dare any human try to subvert, sabotage or damage this business in any way shape or form. There shall you see God’s arrow of deliverance at top speed and in full force upon your head! Be ye warned.

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10. Bisa Awurade Stop Over

Don’t just stop there, be sure to ask God if He feels that’s the right place to stop over. Otherwise, just pass on by to the next stop.

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11. De Hairvens Barbering Shop

Ummm… I’m all about puns and all, but this one deε I beg! Everyone who barbers there goes straight to Hairven. The haven of all Hairs. All barbers do go to Hairven. I could go on and on and on.

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12. Surprise Beauty Shop

Guess what you come in with long hair and surprise! You leave with short spiky hair. Or maybe you asked them to dye your hair black and SURPRISE! They dye it blue!!!

And oh oh oh how about this one?God is the Best Fried Yam
A friend saw this written boldly while in Ghana. A look at this statement with a careless eye would hardly reveal the depth and controversy wrapped up in it. Several schools of thought could be gathered from such a proclamation. In fact I think I could base an entire thesis on this.

You’ve probably heard this being said several times over and most likely have used it yourself once or twice in your lifetime. I bet you felt that you had been given a whole new and improved leash on life and your strategy for life had been reshaped and remodeled to face each day head on. Let me just say that after reading this piece, you might want to rethink your game plan just a little bit.
I must admit, it’s made quite a great many speeches proud and I’m happy for those you who were given resounding applauses after this statement was made. While I may be happy for you, I think that it is extremely reckless for one to live each day as though it were the last. I simply can’t agree with that statement.

I pondered long and hard about this statement and when I could chew no longer, I asked my best friend what she would do if today were her last day on earth. She said to me in a calm tone; “I would said sleep in the church.” You see my point? Living today like it were your last feels like a balloon going out flat and trying desperately to stay afloat. But if you’re a typical Ghanaian or the kind of person who likes to leave things for the very last minute, I can understand why this would be appropriate.

If I woke up this morning and knew for certain that this was the very last day of my life, I would say to myself: “Oh geez, the last day of my life. Whatever am I going to do with it?” Then with a slow start I’d head out straight to my bank (yes, I won’t brush my teeth. Who cares? I’d be dead by tomorrow anyways) and raid my bank account of all it is worth. Head to town and buy the one most expensive electronic gadget I’ve always wanted; be sure to maximize its while showing off to everybody I meet on the street. Then I would look through my list for the most disliked person (or people) in my life and depending on their location show off my latest overpriced yet China-made contraption. After dangling it before their faces, I would punch them in the face and tell them exactly how I felt about them. If it’s a guy, I would kick him in the nuts and make sure he screams like a girl; take a video and upload it on YouTube and make sure all his friends see it. If it’s a lady I’d hope she wore a weave I could rip off her head and leave her bald. Just as I did for the guy, I would upload the photos and video on YouTube and Facebook for public humiliation.

Alternatively I could spend the first half the morning in a sombre mood repenting of ALL my sins in the hopes that I wouldn’t be a gate crusher at the Pearly Gates. The remaining half would be spent on having a good solid kings breakfast (damn the carbs and calories). In the afternoon I would take a stroll through my favorite side of town, say goodbye to all my friends, make sure that my last will and testament have the right people on it. I would sit down someplace quiet and evaluate the life I’ve lived and probably feel sorry for myself and all the things I was unable to achieve while still alive. Bottom line, it would be a miserable day, one I would never want to relive i.e. if I don’t die! I would think to myself: “All the hard work I put into living has all come down to a measly 24hours.” Quel dommage!

Now imagine waking up to a bright sunny day and that was the very first day of your life (make it a rainy day even, it makes no difference)- imagine the possibilities!!! Unlimited! It would be the first time you would have seen the Sunny Sky or Rainy Day. It would be the first time you breathe. It would be the first time you laugh, cry, jump, walk, cycle, used Facebook or Twitter even! For me this outlook presents a far better and less gloomy picture than the former frame. I might be putting the cart before the wheel, but perhaps it’s because I seek to move in a different direction.

I’d rather live each day as my FIRST! Thing is, there’s something about the start of a thing that carries so much energy, inspiration and zing that you just don’t get at the last minute of life (which leans more towards desperation). There’s always so much hope at the start and seriously if we had to live as though this were the dying moments of our lives I doubt much progress will be made.

I may or may not have convinced you to tow my line of thought, but if think about how well we start each year with truckloads of resolutions and hearts brimming with hope and contrast it with how the year ends; looking back at the regrets, the should-haves, could-haves and would-haves (don’t forget scraping the bottom of our bank accounts for enough cash to splurge during the holidays), you might be tempted to concur.

As we enter 2012, I would like to cease these precious first moments of the year to simply appreciate life – eventful or otherwise; the slow ones, the fast ones, the high ones and yes, even the low ones (especially the low ones)- knowing that second chances do exist and if we lose out on today, tomorrow holds hope for victory. That’s all I’m saying. Love it or hate it, you can choose to take it or leave it. I leave that entirely up to you.

I like to believe that I am a writer, and a very good one at that. I like to believe that if you trace the many thoughts that race through my mind it may lead to some pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I believe that if these gold nuggets of wisdom are shared with the world and all who live in it, human kind may learn from my life experiences through my words. With that underlying belief, I woke up today and my first instinct was to write. Write something down. Tell the world about itself. Tell people about themselves. Tell the world about people and tell the people about the world. I opened up my word processing application on my computer, I gracefully composed my fingers on my keyboard, poised to type, and … nothing. Yes, nothing. Nothing came to mind. But I decided to write anyway. Simply because I am a writer; and writers have to write, n’est ce pa?

So here I am rumbling about nothing and here you are reading this post and we are both asking the same question: “What is this post about, anyway?”. If you have an answer for me, I suggest you tell me now. If not, then we shall go on like this for the next two or more paragraphs until the ink dries out from my keyboard…ha. ha. haa. Like that’s ever going to happen.

I was hoping that as I hit the return key unto the next paragraph, some of the nugget of wisdom I boast of will fall unto my lap so I can sound like sage and so you can admire the deep insights I have to offer humanity. Unfortunately, that fails me. Being one with truck load of writing experience, one would not think that putting together something meaningful for my readers would be such a challenge. And yet, see the quandary that I find myself in. Seeing as I don’t have much else to say, I shall call this post to a conclusion and hope that as the day goes by, my brain, full of wit and wisdom shall bring my way thoughts that have some relevance to my readers and the general make up of society.

Until such a time, this is your favourite blogger, the Rebel Ryter signing out…

But one more thing I need to say, please accept my heartfelt apologies for not writing anything meaningful for your yearning eyes. I know you could have spent these 5 minutes doing something profitable with your lives, but you chose to read this unintelligible post. I thank you. Now this will be my very last line for this post.

I’m sure you guys thought I was kidding when I said I was gonna drop my number one hit single titled, “My #1 Hit Single“. Well, there you have it. In stereo. The latest and most anticipated hit track. I’m so excited about it, you guys have no idea! This track is on every known deejay’s rotation! You better listen and tell your friends to tell their friends about it. This is the next big thing to hit the Ghana music scene. Play it in your cars, on your computers, walkmans, iPads, iPods, iPhones, Blackberry, whatever man!!! Just be sure to pump up the volume.

There’s no doubt in my mind that you’ve enjoyed this piece of art immensely. It took no more than an hour to put this together, thanks to my able producer, Paapa (Skillions). The greatest producer ever known to man!

If you see me on the streets, don’t be shy to say hi. I’m a humble super star :-P.

In view of the latest trend in hiphop and hiplife and all that, as of today, I have decided to revive my rapping career. Yes, yes, yes, many of you don’t know that I used to be a rapper. Back in the day my stage name was wyzerymez and boy did I kill it. I was one of the best female rappers in my town. For real, for real, I was a damn good lyricist. I still am. Now it seems anyone who can hold a microphone by the neck calls themselves rappers. I’m here to change all that.

Now I am reinventing and relaunching my career as a rapper. My stage name shall be the rebel rapper. One that will rebel against all other forms of music in Ghana. Genre of music, rebel-life…or reb-life? Better still Hop-life music. Yea, that sounds right. Hop-life music it is. Introducing the Originator, the Grandmama, the Founder and CEO of Hop-life music….Yeah mehn. While y’all are fighting over who started hip-life and all that, Imma just start my own.

All I Need Is One Mic

Be warned, I shall soon quit my day time job and start this ‘rapperdelic‘ lifestyle real soon that will ensure that I become famous in a matter of days, appear on Music Music and its cousin Sounds Splash, get signed by some telecom giant in Ghana and start my own Facebook Fan Page. I knew it was only a matter of time before my talent was recognized and now, my dear people, is the time!!!

This means a total wardrobe change, change in walk and talk. In fact looking back, I should have quit school way back when I discovered this talent. If I’d quit school and stayed in the studio where all rappers live, I’d be one of the largest illest rappers in the game by now. But its never too late. In the 90’s we didn’t have MTV Base or any of those things to promote Ghanaian artists such as myself. But now there’s Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and so many more. That’s the reason why I believe that this is the right time to relaunch my career. In this present climate, if you’re a woman and dare to do what the men do, just play the women empowerment card and that right there, is your claim to fame. Soon I’ll be doing songs sponsored by the UN, NATO, NADMO, MOWAC, Zoom Lion, Talibans and all dem dems.

That's What I'm Talking 'Bout!!!

You see, I’ve been watching this game from the sidelines for a decade and a half now and I’ve mastered my game plan. For my single, I go sample some foreign beat (hopefully I’ll remember to give them credit and pay royalties), I’ll beg Wanlov to cough on the beat for me, then I’ll get Apietus to mumble incoherently for my chorus and finally I’ll find PSquare or some other well known Nigerian artist to feature on the track. And that right there my dear people is now you make an international hit that is ready to break all the records in music on the western part of this continent. Soon enough, I’ll be signed on to DefJam, Universal Studios, BMI, EMG or better still Konvict Records, and then there’ll be some controversy about the deal, which all the media houses in Ghana will pick on. And before you know it, the whole Ghana will be talking about me.

When it comes to dropping the full 12 track CD, the game plan is a little complicated, but I’m still on top of things. For that I may have to represent Ghana on Big Brother Africa. Try not to be the first person to be evicted from the house; I’ll stay there fore at least 40-60 days the Big Brother house. At every given chance, I’ll rap some of my songs into the mirrors. By so doing, exhibiting my talent to the entire African continent. Through that, I’ll make a few links then when I’m evicted, I’ll come home and feature Kwaku T, Sammy B and even, yes, even Mimi all on one track. That track will be called the Big Brother Connection. Oh, I have a lot of ways and means to succeed in this game. So you better watch out.

Now the last thing I need to do to top this all off is to develop a slang. Yup. It is very essential in this game. I for go see some one or two people who have perfected the art of acquiring foreign accents locally to tutor me for a few weeks. I’m a fast learner so that won’t be a problem. It’s a challenge, but if I must survive in this game, this I must do.

I’m currently accepting applications to fill any role imaginable on this career path. Help make my dream come true; by so doing, your dream will come true too.

Following this 5Five and DJ Cyndo catastrophe, I’ve been thinking about how easily we call ourselves artistes when really and truly, there’s not a teeny weeny drop of art in us.

As an artist, I expect that you have something to say. Something that will change people’s lives and ways of being. Positively. You are not an artist simply because you can string meaningless words together and make them rhyme to some beat. You are an artist because you see the world differently and hope that your perceptions of the world will make life more enjoyable for others. Be it through poetry, music, dance, painting or sculpture. You are an artist because you can shape the way people see things with your artistic ability. As an artist you maintain your originality, as any perversion to your ideals signals your doom.

Contrary to popular belief, you are not there for the chicks or the bling. You are there because your heart sings the passion and the pain of the present and the vision of tomorrow. Don’t be fooled when all the girls and guys hype you up because you’re the in thing. It’s all ephemeral and in no time, you’ll find yourself in the middle of nowhere asking yourself questions that you should have asked yourself way before you started your journey into your so-called stardom. Whether you believe me or not, your “reign” will last as long as the rain in harmattan.