From “Tha S4N74 Virus” by Pathogen Control Center

The S4N74 virus primarily affects the elderly, with no case ever reported in an individual under 55. It’s believed that this is because a weakened or compromised immune system is needed for infection. It also only affects males, as the Y chromosome is essential to the virus’s replication.

Early symptoms include weight gain, whitening of hair, and an intense urge to give away personal posessions. This last symptom seems mystifying until one realizes that the infection is spread through close contact and tends to survive well on paper and other permeable surfaces.

End-stage symptoms include uncontrollable laughter, rosacea, sundowning, and loss of sensation leading to a feeling of intense warmth even in cold areas.