It's Okay to be Selfish Sometimes

She will pull an all-nighter if she has to finish the “extra” work on her plate, but cannot gather the courage to refuse to help someone out. It is a good quality, I am not denying that, but one can only do so much. The issue here, is not only about not having the courage, it’s also about the feeling of disappointing others. She thinks if she says no to someone, they will stop liking her as a person. And I argued, so what if they did? That only means that they were being nice to you because their work was getting done. And for once when you put your need above theirs, you are suddenly the bad guy? I told her that’s not how it works. For starters, as human beings, it is nearly impossible to please everyone. It just can’t be done. Heck, even God can’t keep everyone happy. We praise him one day, we curse him the next. And second of all, if you keep giving without keeping a few things for yourself, you will soon be a very exhausted, bitter person.

Suppose, you have a doctor’s appointment you’ve been dodging for a week. But today, you really have to make it work. Now as you’re just about to get out of work, and you get a call from your sister, who wants to talk to you about how her kids are getting out of control. You can be very polite and keep talking to her, and miss out on the appointment, or you could tell her you will speak to her in an hour or so because you need to be someplace important. If that is seen as being “selfish”, so be it. Yes, placing your own needs and desires above the needs and desires of others is not what we were taught in our Moral Science class, or by our parents. However, it is really okay to be selfish sometimes, to put our needs before others.

In ‘FRIENDS’, when Joey tells Phoebe that there are no unselfish good deeds in the world, Phoebe gets really worked up and demands proof. He says when she gave birth to the triplets for her brother, and although it was a great thing she did, it made her feel really good about herself, so in a way that is being selfish. A little later, she calls Joey in the midst of this PBS Telethon, at which he is taking pledges and tells him she wants to donate money. She says she isn’t the least bit happy, but knows how much happiness PBS brings to kids around the world, so it is okay. However, when her pledge gets Joey on TV, she jumps with joy and says, “Look, my pledge got Joey on TV. That makes me so…” She realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish, and yet again proving Joey’s theory right.

I agree with Joey. There is a bit of selfishness in everything we do. You lend money to a friend – though you’re short by that much in that particular month but you are pleased with the fact that you helped a friend; you volunteer at some NGO – you’re investing a lot of your time, but the smiles and gratitude you receive at the end of it, makes it all worthwhile, makes you feel good. So am I propagating selfishness? No.

I have this other friend, who I love dearly. But he would only stay in touch with me if he has a self-serving interest. He needed money, or help with an essay, or needed me as a reference. Once that purpose was over, he’d go underground.

So what I am trying to say is that there are two kinds of selfishness. The first kind that enriches our lives and of those around us, and we ought to repeat that behaviour. Then there’s the second kind, which is always self-centred and doesn’t bother itself with serving others. The thing one needs to think about here is whether you ONLY think about yourself all the time, or do you stop to consider others’ needs and desires as well. One needs to strike a balance. If on one outing you took your family to a Chinese restaurant, because that is your favourite cuisine, the next time, make sure to choose a cuisine of their choice.

Let’s take the case of parents. Most parents tend to make their lives about their children’s achievements, and forget their own dreams. Do you think following their own dreams, makes them selfish? They’d still be great parents – loving and caring – but wouldn’t giving up on things they want to accomplish, make them resentful in the long run? Because that resentment might channel itself back into their relationship with their husbands/wives and children. And if they become a bitter and unhappy person, things they’d do for their children will not come from their hearts and that will, in turn, make their families unhappy too.

So love others. Give with all your heart. But love yourself just as much, because if you don’t give back to yourself, soon you will have nothing to give to others. Remember, you’re just as important, too.