…and not just because Clay is LITERALLY in Purgatory, though I appreciate the meta-ness of this situation.

Lucas, it’s been great watching your friends achieve their dreams over the past seven seasons — but watching their dreams fall apart is a bummer. It’s like, hey, Nathan (James Lafferty) made it to the NBA… but now his back is degenerating. And, hey, Brooke (Sophia Bush) started a multi-billion dollar clothing company… but now her mom’s going to prison for fraud AND she can’t have a baby with man she loves. Double whammy! I think I’m finally understanding why you and Peyton (Hilarie Burton) took off when you did. Life in Tree Hill kind of sucks.

Life is, of course, not terrific for Quinn (Shantel VanSanten) who just got out of her coma, and her boyfriend Clay (Robert Buckley) who spent 95 percent of the episode in literal, ACTUAL Purgatory before finally waking up and kissing his lady.

Jamie’s (Jackson Brundage) life is kind of crappy too. At just 7-ish years of age, he’s already been kidnapped, nearly drowned AND chased through a cornfield by a murderous psycho nanny. Considering three people very close to him have been shot AND his grandfather is a convicted murderer, I’m really surprised he turned out so normal.

In fact, the only person in Tree Hill who isn’t trapped in some sort of metaphorical Purgatory is Mouth (Lee Norris). He gets to sleep with Millicent (Lisa Goldstein) who is way hotter than someone who would realistically date him. Also, none of the major tragedies have directly affected him since the school shooting. That’s almost five years strong.

Anyway, Lucas, my final thought — it’s really obvious they want you back on this show. I mean, Haley (Bethany Joy Gaelotti) has started all three episodes this season by writing you a letter. They’re either begging for a return, or Haley’s just collecting material for her next album, Letters to Lucas. (Remember I predicted that, by the way. It’s so something this show would do!)