It’s summer. Celebs are fucking and frolicking – often at the same time – on yachts. D-listers are tripping up the wedded aisle for a snatch of front page mockery. Wino’s still alive and unwell, holed up in her hovel. And since your Campbells and Crowes have attended anger management, there’s not even any scrappage to report on.

So when all other news dries up and all you’ve got to work with involves Russia, Georgia and George Dubbya’s nonsensical ramblings, there’s only one thing to resort to – good old fashioned pussy.