I’m pretty sure we’re a nation of schmucks. How else to explain the “conspiracy theory” poll recently conducted by Public Policy Polling?

Grab your tinfoil hat as we run through some of the highlights.

LIZARD PEOPLE: Question 13 was phrased thusly to the 1,247 Americans who participated in this poll: “Do you believe that shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies, or not?”

A few points to make before we can even discuss this rationally: 1) I want a job creating questions for Public Policy Polling; 2) someone’s been watching a little too much “V” and 3) really, if this were true, don’t you think the shape-shifting reptilian people wouldn’t need to bother with taking human form? I mean, if I’m a shape-shifting reptilian person, I’m just going to do whatever I damn well please.

Anyway, 4 percent of Americans believe that yes, there are shape-shifting reptiles manipulating our societies. Four percent! Look around wherever you are right now. One in 25 people think Chris Christie is a reptile. Who shape-shifts. Routinely.

Even more shocking, 7 percent of Americans are “not sure” if we live in a world run by shape-shifting lizards. I mean, what? It’s one thing to be unsure about what you want for dinner, but to be unsure about shape-shifting reptilian people manipulating our societies? Come on. Got to have an opinion on that one.

FLUORIDE: A little more down to Earth, this one: Nine percent of Americans believe there is a sinister purpose in the government’s decision to add fluoride to our drinking water, and 17 percent are not sure. Outside of the “sinister” purpose of healthy teeth, I’m at a loss. Not to mention fluoride occurs naturally in water. Let’s move on.

THE ANTICHRIST: Roughly 13 percent of Americans think President Barack Obama is the Antichrist, while an additional 13 percent are still on the fence on this one. Well, listen: I’m not going to poke fun at religion. That’s not what I do here. But let’s assume for a moment the Christian Bible is the be-all, end-all. Seems a little ... oh I don’t know, presumptuous to think we’re actually living in the End Times, no? Anyway, over a quarter of Americans go to bed each night worried Obama is the Antichrist. Me? I go to bed worried he’s anti-me getting a raise one day because his programs, while good, aren’t doing jack poop for the economy.

I’ll tell you this much: If Obama is the Antichrist, he’s doing a lousy job of it. People aren’t exactly fawning over the guy, you know?

DEAD BEATLES: Just about 80 percent of Americans are sure the current Paul McCartney is actually the original Paul McCartney, and that the original did not, in fact, die in a 1966 auto accident. Another 85 percent are also convinced Ringo sucks.

BLUE WAFFLE DISEASE: A full 14 percent of the Trenton City Council believes in Blue Waffle Disease. This was not a Public Policy Polling question, but it does deserve mention.

ALIENS: Only 29 percent of Americans think aliens exist. Here’s a legit science question, and only 29 percent of us think that in the whole of the cosmos (and beyond) we’re the only planet - or moon, or asteroid, or empty space - with living creatures. And let’s not forget that of the 29 percent who think someone else is out there, 4 percent think that someone else is a shape-shifting reptile who runs for city council.

And finally ...MEDIA CONTROL: I’m in a great position to debunk question 16, which reads: “Do you believe media or the government adds secret mind-controlling technology to television broadcast signals, or not?” Believe it or not, 15 percent of respondents said “yes,” and another 15 percent were “unsure.” Crazy. Sending messages through the television. There’s no way this could be true send me money as everyone knows it’s impossible and also send women of questionable moral fiber to transmit subliminal messages in any form whatsoever and I’ll take some beer while you’re at it. Just silliness.