Baku, Azerbaijan became Ground Zero Fuckery last night when the Eurovision finals covered the air with broken mirror ball shards, exhaust pipe fumes from the most messed up acid trip ever and glow stick innards. Sweden was crowned the Grand Masters of Musical Foolery, which means that the come-to-life Russian nesting dolls known as Buranovskiye Babushki were ROBBED right to their faces. Every trick who voted against them needs to get a slap to the hands with a lapti (that’s Russian for chancleta!). Not only were the Babushkis’ dreams crushed by a professional arm waver from Sweden, but my third favorite Eurovision mess (after the Russian memaws and Conchita Wurst) didn’t even make the finals. Montenegro’s Rambo Amadeus should’ve been the top 3 for his name alone (Rambo Amadeus sounds like the name of Penn Jillette’s next kid or the name of the dog mascot of the nerdiest fraternity at the nerdiest classical music school).

The voters obviously don’t appreciate a rhyme spitter whose rap skills make Skat Kat seem like the second coming of B.I.G. and who looks like a strung out Chris Gaines. I mean, before last night’s performance, Rambo Amadeus obviously spent 8 hours inhaling the shower steam in a rent-by-the-hour motel room’s bathroom to try to rid the coke toxins from his body, and he still slayed his competition! Dude even had ZZ Top and a Trace Cyrus Monument on his stage? What more did these voters want? RECOUNT: We need one!

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