1. Role modeling

Kids watch our every move. They rarely do as we say; they do what we do. It’s always helpful to check ourselves first and see if we are modeling responsible behavior.

Do we shirk our duties at home? Are the dishes left in the sink? Are our telephone messages unreturned, are we often late for meetings? If so, it might be time to take a good look in the mirror and decide how we can act more responsibly.

It is always helpful and comforting to kids to see their parents trying to refine their own behavior. Kids then learn to be responsible for their own actions. They have a living model for how to improve their behavior when they hear:

“I need to be more responsible about returning calls. I have to figure out a system that works for me. Does anyone have any ideas?”

2. Look for the good

Human beings are programmed to look for the bad. It may have helped us once upon a time when we had to always be alert to the dangers surrounding us. Today, it’s a disadvantage and a real drawback to parenting positively. We have a tendency to focus on our kids negative behaviors, especially when they act irresponsibly.

We are more likely to notice when they have forgotten to do their homework, leave their dirty laundry on the floor and are late for school, then when they exhibit more pro-social behaviors.

When I ask parents, “Is there ever a time where your child acts responsibly?” parents are usually stymied. But after a few minutes they can usually come up with something: “She is great with our next door neighbor’s baby. Mrs. Smith, has called her a few times when she needed help.”

“Once his friend Sammy was out of school with the chicken pox for two weeks. He called him every night until he was better.”

Focusing on the times our children are responsible helps us to see that our kids are not all “bad.” It brings us to the next tip where we can…

3. Build upon our child’s strengths

Focusing on the times are kids to act responsibly gives us clues on how we can improve upon their already responsible behavior. If our child is good with little kids, we can help them get a job as a mother’s helper, which in turn helps build responsibility. If he likes to tinker with mechanics you can give him some more responsibility when you are working on your car, or fixing any other appliance in the house. If she loves to vacuum and organize, then that can be her chore at home.

Just like adults, kids tend to be more responsible about the things they like to do. We can capitalize on that. Once they feel good and understand that they can be responsible in those areas, they are more likely to be more responsible about the chores they dislike.

4. Praise Responsible Behavior

It’s not enough to notice our kid’s responsible behavior, we need to point it out to them and praise them. Anytime your child acts responsibly, describe what he or she is doing right to them and pour on the praise. This helps to positively reinforce that behavior:

“I appreciate that you came in to tell me you were going to Sammy’s house to play, that’s called being responsible.”
“Thanks for giving me my phone messages. That’s called being responsible.”
“You cleaned your toys. That shows responsibility.”

Kids will bask in the glow of your praise, and you are more likely to get a repeat of responsible behavior.

5. Use solution-oriented language

Every time we throw up our hands and say to our child, “You are so irresponsible!” we are covering up the real problem or issue with highly emotional language. Kids get defensive and their only recourse is to fight back: “Well, you never tell me what I should do, you only yell at me!”

It is better if we use language that is less emotionally charged with an eye towards resolving conflicts. Focus on the specific irresponsible act, instead of the general problem of “irresponsibility.”

“This laundry is not getting into the hamper. What would be a good way for you to remember to do that?”
“Homework needs to be completed. What are your plans to get that done?”
“Curfew was missed. How can you make sure that it does not happen again?”

You might also want to avoid bringing up all the other times they acted irresponsibly. Like adults, kids can only take so much criticism.

Raising responsible kids is something that we need to do. Role modeling, looking for the good, praising responsible behavior and using solution-oriented language can help us do just that.

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About the Author

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, is the Director of Parent Outreach for A+ Solutions, facilitating "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" workshops as well as workshops based on “Siblings Without Rivalry.” Adina also runs ParentingSimply.com and is available for speaking engagements. You can reach her and check out her website at www.parentingsimply.com.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!