Monday, July 28, 2008

I didn't think anything could possibly drown out the already deafening bally-hoo that inevitably arises on a Red Sox-Yankees weekend. Clearly, however, I underestimated the ability of one Manuel Aristides Ramirez to throw Boston and the general baseball media into an absolute frenzy of speculation, accusation, and pointless recommendation. It seems that things are coming to a head with our beloved slugger, but there's no question that tensions between Manny and the Sox front office have been escalating for quite some time. An abbreviated time-line of the key events in this rocky season:

June 5: Manny and Kevin Youkilis exchange heated words and a girly slap or two in the dugout during an already brawl-filled series with Tampa Bay. The altercation reportedly arose over Manny taking exception to Youkilis' tendency to argue calls and be excessively demonstrative at the plate (also known as Paul O'Neill Syndrome).

June 28: Manny shoves traveling secretary Jack McCormick to the ground after McCormick expresses an uncertainty over his ability to fill Manny's day-of request for 16 tickets to that night's game in Houston.

June 30: Manny apologizes publicly for the shoving -- a full two days after the incident. (He was later fined an undisclosed amount.)

July 18:Bob Lobel contends that some Sox brass-types think Manny intentionally struck out against Mariano Riviera in Boston's most recent match-up with the Yankees. (This is unverified.)

July 25: Manny opts to sit against the Yankees in Game 1 of a crucial mid-season series.

July 27: Manny gets his silly mug plastered all over the news following some less-than-tactful comments concerning the possibility of being traded out of Boston. "I'm tired of them, they're tired of me... I'm happy, but enough is enough, you know?" he says.

Now, as fun as it is to play Armchair Executive, I won't pretend to know everything there is to know about the ins and outs of running a pro baseball franchise. But if there is one thing I'm a motherfucking expert on, it's FAILED RELATIONSHIPS. NO ONE knows disastrous, prolonged, bridge-burning breakups like me, bitches. And from my extensive experience with relationships collapsing in spectacular fashion, I can tell you this much with certainty: this shit needs to end. Now. Let's reexamine our time-line for clarification:

The Little Quirks That Never Bothered You Before Starting To Piss You Off Stage. Youk's always been kind of a whiny bitch, and it's never bothered Manny until this season. This is when couples usually try and go on vacation or some shit, where those little quirks will only serve to irritate them even more because they're around one another 24 hours a day. This is where you convince yourself that shit is fixable. Trust me: this is where it all starts to go downhill. You're just channeling your real dissatisfaction into everyday peeves.

The Shove. All couples fight. It's stupid, it's sad... but it happens. Relationships involve sacrifice and compromise, and who the fuck ever WANTS to do either of those things? So fights happen, and they're not the end of the world. HOWEVAH (ladies, pay special attention) : when shit turns violent, it's over. I'm lucky. I've never had a dude raise a hand against me. But I've slapped the shit out of my boyfriends when they've pissed me off (or thrown beers at them, which is more fun), and I can say with certainty that it fundamentally changes the dynamics of a relationship when someone finally loses their cool enough to express it physically. [Ed. note: Of course this is an imperfect analogy, and real domestic violence shouldn't be in any way conflated with a hot-tempered biddy like me throwing her boyfriend's car keys out the window. The point I'm making here applies more to the moment when you just lose it to the point of no longer being able to adequately express it verbally. Longer discussion for another time, ya dig?]

The Empty Apology. We've ALL done this. What you say is, "I'm sorry," but what you mean is, "...that you're so full of shit that I need to be the bigger person and apologize when IT'S CLEARLY YOUR FUCKING FAULT." Then you have awesome makeup sex -- or, in Manny's case, go back to getting clutch hits -- and temporarily restore order. But there's no two ways about it: the first time you apologize and don't mean it is the last time you will ever, ever feel the same way about that person again.

The Swirling Rumors. When the rumors about cheating or any kind of dishonesty start to fly, it honestly doesn't matter whether they're true or not. Good relationships simply don't foster that kind of shit. A LOT of people (girls especially) will fight me on this point, but it's 100% true. If you hear that your boyfriend cheated on you Saturday night, even if you hear it from the least reliable source and every single one of your close friends swears up and down it wasn't true, here's the cold ugly truth: he was doing something, somewhere, that wasn't being your boyfriend. He did something to make someone think he might want to cheat, and that's the first step down a long, slippery slope of paranoia and duplicity. The point isn't whether or not Manny actually MEANT to strike out against Mo Riviera. The point is that if he were acting the way he was supposed to be acting, we'd have no cause to assume he did anything amiss, and the rumors would never have gotten started in the first place. RED. FUCKING. FLAG.

The I'm Not Coming To Your Shit. Look. If someone loves you, they show up to whatever god-awful affair you drag them to, be it Family Bowling Night, your brutally awkward office holiday party, or Planned Parenthood. Period. When someone you love looks at you and says, "I need you," you drop everything you're doing and go. You love them. They need you. It's the world's simplest equation. When the Bronx Bombers are in town, WE NEED MANNY. Boy's a gat-damn Yankee killer: he knows it, they know it, and we know it. We needed Manny on Friday, and he made up some bullshit excuse to get out of it. You can make excuses all you want, but this is one of the surest signs that your shit is on the rocks.

Loose Lips Sink Ships. It's the most painful fucking thing in the world when it gets back to you that someone that you love and would do anything for is going around telling people it's over. But that's exactly what Manny did to Boston this weekend. This guy is fucking jerking us around and we'd be nuts to stick by his side. Of course we still have good moments with him. When you love someone and are with them for years, you never totally lose the connection you built up. But -- and this is the key takeaway here, kids, both for baseball and for life -- IT ONLY TAKES ONE PERSON TO END A RELATIONSHIP. If Manny wants it to be over, then sorry Boston: It's already fucking over. Cut your losses and move on. I vote we trade Manny within the week.

Excuse me for a minute. I'm going to go sit in the supply closet and cry.

13 comments:

But if there is one thing I'm a motherfucking expert on, it's FAILED RELATIONSHIPS. NO ONE knows disastrous, prolonged, bridge-burning breakups like me, bitches. And from my extensive experience with relationships collapsing in spectacular fashion, I can tell you this much with certainty: this shit needs to end.

I've slapped, kicked, had beer thrown in my face, and been told to go fuck myself (though not all at the same time, AND NO THAT'S NOT A CHALLENGE FMRA) and getting beer in the face is the worst, as it stays with you forever.

Everyone wants to hear the story of how you got a beer thrown in your face. It's like being an abuse victim (or Bills fan) and having to re-tell your story, only no one feels bad for you. All the guys will laugh at you, all the girls will shun you, and you'll get to relive the whole, sordid affair.

/still gets laughed at for wide right//is really glad he's got beer left over from this weekend

I love that we have a Bills fan contingent. Division rivalry aside, I think (and the Wide Right reference solidifies this) we can all agree that the Giants aren't so much Superbowl winners as they are Superbowl STEALERS*.

*for the record: I initially spelled that "STEELERS." I might watch too much football.

omg. i am a sick lovah of manny and his foolery... cause i'm nuts to stick by his side and anxiously await the running out to the field during batting practice, giggling with big papi... ah, in a universe where evil pinstrippers aren't looming over your championships and even your wife. ICK.

FMRS: Buffalo is Yankee country for some reason. It's unbearable at times. I'm fighting the good fight. Minus the cheating (allegedly) I love the Patriots franchise, Celtics over Lakers no question, and I miss the good old days of Sabres-Bruins Adams Division rivalries.

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