Tuesdays with Howie

Well, you won’t learn any of life’s great lessons or shed many tears. But for those of you who wondered (anybody? anybody?) what it would have been like if sports figure/pop icon Howard Cosell were around to interview the modern-day Red Sox, you’ve come to the right place. ::screen gets all blurry fading to dream sequence::

Howard: Tonight, I’m here with Red Sox superstar center fielder and leadoff hitter extraordinaire, Johnny Damon. John, what is it like to be rock-star-like athlete?

JD: Well, ah, pretty awesome.

Howard: Would you say you are the Roy Orbison of baseball?

JD: Who? Is he that guy…

Howard: I’ll ask the questions here, you long-haired mongrel. What is this about you going to New York?

JD: Well, uh, they have really tall buildings there, and, you know, Michelle and I like to throw stuff out of our windows, like pumpkins and panties, so, uh, it would be pretty cool.

Howard: Getting back to baseball, did I ever tell you about the time I got to second base with Barbara Walters? It was non-consensual, of course, but when you walk onto an elevator and those two heaving mounds of womanhood are staring you in the face, and “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” in Muzak is filling your head with funky thoughts, what is a guy supposed to do?

JD: Uh, I didn’t know you were a playa, Howard.

Howard: That is neither here nor there. Now, your agent is asking for a seven-year contract. Has he gone a few rounds with Ali? Sure, you’re a good leadoff batter, but let’s face it Johnny, you don’t steal bases, you throw like Mary Tyler Moore, who by the way is another one I wouldn’t mind meeting on an elevator, and you have a certain penchant for crashing into walls.

JD: Yeah, well, Michelle gets hot when I crash into things.

Howard: Where did you meet the lovely Michelle?

JD: Well Howard, I saw her at a party and mixed her a “Leg Opener” and…

Howard: Johnny, tell the folks at home what a Leg Opener is.

JD: Well, it is a drink I like to give to the ladies. It has, uh, vodka, pineapple juice, and oh, uh, Rohypnol.

Howard: You might want to write that recipe down for me. And take it from me, the Ether rag is still a very effective standby. Now let’s talk hair. What is with the Jesus look?

JD: Uh, Howard, I just felt like I needed a change. And, uh, all of a sudden, like, girls started hanging out with me before I even gave them my, uh, cocktail.

Howard: I may have to invest in similar look. Remind me to call iParty after the interview. They have a fine assortment of hair pieces. By the way, you do know that the New York Yankees enforce a very strict policy on appearance, in particular, long hair and facial hair are not allowed?

JD: Wait, uh, what do you mean “policy?”

Howard: Johnny Samson, the Yankees will be your Delilah. And let me remind you of the quality of tail you were pulling in your clean-cut days. ::holds up picture of Damon’s ex-wife::