Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode One: Who the Fuck are These Guys?

It’s that time of year again…the season I like to call “Hangover Tuesdays,” when I get drunk on Monday night and watch The Bachelor for your entertainment.

This time around it’s The Bachelorette.

After thirteen seasons of this shit, ABC finally got their act together and gave us a Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, who is a woman of color.

Slow clapping it out for you, ABC.

Rachel is 31, a civil litigation attorney, and hails from Dallas, TX. She “won” last season’s The Bachelor (IMO) by exiting late enough to land her own show, but before having to take home Nick Viall, the dude who doesn’t know how couches work.

It’s okay Nick. Furniture is hard.

Now Rachel gets to select from 31 eligible dudes in order to find her one true love on reality TV.

I’ll be honest. I’m all about romance, but if this ends with Rachel dismissing all these guys, wine glass in hand, like Cersei Lannister eyeing the Iron Throne, I will be okay with that.

Can you imagine the sheer amount of masturbation that must be going in the house?

I wouldn’t touch anything.

“Why are we out of hot water again? Why does everyone keep taking showers?”

Anyway, I’ve poured myself a generous Kraken rum and Coke, and I’m ready to watch all the delicious WTFery.

Now, the first episode of the season is basically “Dudes get out of a limo and try to make a lasting impression on The Bachelorette.” It’s super awkward. At least one of them will fuck it up epically.

In the opening package, we meet the first real douchebag. His name is Blake. Blake is a personal trainer who talks a lot about his testosterone, sexual experience, and penis. Blake will clearly be responsible for 90% of the masturbation in the McMansion. Blake might be responsible for 90% of all masturbation, period. The real love story here is Blake and his penis, okay?

In total contrast is Josiah who was inspired to become a state prosecutor after his brother’s suicide. He describes his struggle after his brother’s death, and how is disillusionment landed him in juvenile court where he turned his life around.

Once the opening package is over, we cut to LA. Rachel stands outside the McMansion, wearing a gorgeous white and silver gown, and prepares to meet her suitors.

In the limo the dudes share their excitement. “This could be your future wife you’re meeting for the first time!”

Josiah is the second out of the limo and is totally charming. “I am convinced that, by the end of our experience together, you will have no reasonable doubt.”

Josiah. I think I had that same backdrop at Picture Day 1993

Then there’s the guy who dressed up like Steve Urkel. Complete with “Did I do that?’

Way to throw back to the OG TGIF, dude.

Let’s not forget Dean, the guy who met Rachel on the After the Rose special who said “I’m ready to go black, and I’ll never go back.”

Yeah.

Dean is an idiot.

Dean. Need I say more?

Just when Rachel looks like she’s going to scurry away for a much needed pee-break, a marching band shows up. Hey! It’s Blake E! Masturbation guy! He’s playing a snare drum which makes sense as I assume he has tons of forearm strength. At least in his right arm.

Upping the ante on the awful factor is Bryce. Although it doesn’t come out in the show, Bryce filled out his ABC bio as follows:

Biggest Dating Fear: The chick is actually a dude.

Nothing like a little transphobia to ruin your Monday and make you pour another a drink.

Despite the fact that they published it, ABC immediately jumped all over the comment with “does not reflect the views of ABC” etc etc.

Fuck you, Bryce.

Fuck. You.

Bryce. Fuck this guy.

Then there’s Adam. Adam shows up with what appears to be a marionette of himself, thereby fueling my nightmares for years to come. WTF dude.

WHO THOUGHT BRINGING A PUPPET TO A FIRST DATE IS A GOOD IDEA? DID YOU RUN THAT IDEA BY YOUR SERIAL KILLER FRIENDS?

I READ A LOT OF MURDER SHIT AND I HAVE LEGIT GOOSEBUMPS.

One guy showed up dressed like a penguin and it was way less weird than the puppet. I tried finding pictures of Adam and his marionette but apparently IT’S TOO CREEPY FOR THE FUCKING INTERNET.

Then we meet the guy who will clearly be the “crazy” one. Whaboom. Lucas. A guy who likes to shake his head back and forth as fast as he can while screaming “WHHHHAAAABOOOM.” Lucas has clearly done some brain damage to himself through this process. I don’t think you’re supposed do that with your head, dude. Google coup contrecoup injury for chrissake.

He even wears a shirt with a picture of his face and #whaboom printed on it.

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This man desperately needs to be punched in the face.

Desperately.

(Note from Sarah: the still image for the above video is so perfect I had to screencap it for my own joy and amusement:)

After all the men arrive, Chris Harrison – who has been cursed by an evil wizard to live in the McMansion and count roses forever – checks in on Rachel. His face is all smiles but his eyes say, “Release me from this curse…”

Rachel doesn’t pick up on Chris’s desperate plea for help and grabs some champagne. Chris goes to the rose bushes to weep.

The cocktail party portion of the evening seems fairly chill. Rachel has some one-on-one time with most of the guys. My favorite question? “Backstreet Boys or N’Sync?”

Which dude is this? It’s not marionette dude or whaboom dude, but whatever. IDK who that is.

Now, most of the focus seems to be on the CREEPY FUCKING PUPPET. You can see the dudes plotting to burn him and release his demonic soul to hell.

Call me cynical, but I’m guessing it’s not the dude with the puppet who is clearly possessed by Satan.

The competition for Rachel’s time is fierce. Men interrupt each other. They try to push each other out of the way with testosterone. I can smell the Axe Bodyspray from here.

This is why I can’t be The Bachelorette. I’d be all, “WHICH ONE OF YOU CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP THE LONGEST? FINE. YOU GET THE ROSE.”

Then someone gives the Whaboom guy a megaphone and it’s a shitshow. All control is lost. Somewhere a producer is dry swallowing Xanax. Every other contestant hates the Whaboom guy.

Another guy is randomly pushing a vacuum around. I am not kidding.

If I was Rachel, I’d cry.

Actually if I was Rachel I’d sit with my feet in the pool readingDefy the Stars and ignoring everyone, which is why I’ll never be cast on reality TV.

“This week on Introvert… Can Elyse spend nine hours in total silence emerging only to make herself toast and then take a nap? Tune in and see!”

More Whaboom guy. I hate this guy.

Rachel gives the “first impression rose” to Bryan, a chiropractor from Miami, FL who stole a kiss.

Finally, FINALLY it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison appears, a glass of champagne in his hand. His eyes reflect the sadness of a man trapped in a fairytale world, a man who cannot escape this beautiful, LA prison.

My husband offers, “Straight up keep the penguin guy, but Whaboom has to go.”

Dewey runs to the litterbox.

I’m like three rum and Cokes in. My tongue is numb.

During the ceremony one of the dudes, Diggy, reflects, “You need that rose. You can’t live without it.”

HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU BEEN CURSED TOO?

The Penguin gets a rose. Josiah gets a rose. Diggy gets a rose (thereby escaping his curse). THE GUY WITH THE FUCKING PUPPET GETS A ROSE.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell us we have one rose left.

THANKS CHRIS!

Then, for reasons no one except the producers understand, Rachel gives the final rose to Whaboom.

Ugh.

So what did you think of tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette? Will you be tuning in this season?

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