The design document for Soda Drinker Pro, if there even was one, must have been the most confusing thing ever written because nothing in this downloadable title makes sense. Intentionally made poorly, or least I hope it was intentional, Soda Drinker Pro isn’t even a game as there is no way to win, die, or even earn a high score. You just casually walk around goofy environments and virtually drink soda; it is about as much fun as it sounds.

Drink a soda inside a castle

Using the left trigger moves the soda cup with drinking straw up towards the front of the screen as if the player can drink from it. Then, using the right trigger, the player actually sips soda from the cup. There is no animation for this drinking motion, only a sip sound effect and a meter at the top of the screen. Once the soda meter is depleted, aka fully ingested, the player is instantly warped to the next level. Like a FPS, the left analog stick controls movement while the right controls vertical viewpoint but with no option to invert the vertical axis and walking at a molasses pace, patience is tested to the absolute limit. Seriously, the player walks at a speed of about 0.00001 mph. Thankfully, there is no time limit so the player can simply warp to the next stage in under a minute by literally holding down the trigger buttons.Watch my Let’s Play of Soda Drinker Pro here:

The only thing that is different are the environments in which to explore while drinking a virtual soda. Drawn in low poly with MS Paint-like textures, each environment is, again, purposely (hopefully) created in poor taste at an attempt at humor. One level you might be virtually drinking soda on the moon, the next on a skyscraper, and eventually on a train or in a bowling alley. Each stage usually has several “bonus sodas” to collect but they do nothing to add to the gameplay other than unlocking the “collect 1000 bonus sodas” Achievement. And without Gamerscore, there is no reason to play this game for more than 3 levels or 3 minutes. There just isn’t any point and this isn’t even a game.

Here’s the kicker though – Soda Drinker Pro has a hidden game inside it and this hidden game is better, crazier, more detailed, more fun and more fleshed out than Soda Drinker Pro proper. Again, nothing about this game makes sense including this extra mode.

Let me put this into perspective. What if Nintendo told the world they were developing a brand new numbered Mario game? For the year leading up to this game’s release, Nintendo is building the hype by showing screenshots and using marketing to talk about this game. Then, finally, Nintendo releases this new Mario game to the public. However, what if hidden inside this Mario game was a completely new, full retail release Zelda game?! Your mind would be blown, right? Nintendo never said anything about a Zelda game, let alone hide it inside a Mario game. Why would they do that when they could clearly sell both games individually? And, this hidden Zelda game is actually better than the Mario game! That is what Soda Drinker Pro is. You think you are stupidly going to be drinking virtual sodas all game but then this hidden mode changes everything. The hidden Vivian Clark mode is actually only accessible by walking through the poorly drawn door in level 2. And why is this called Vivian Clark? No one knows. It makes no sense and I don’t think anyone cares.

Walk through this door in Level 2 to unlock the secret game within a game

This secret Vivian Clark mode is so whacked out and crazy, explaining it in writing will make no sense. The best way I can think of is it is sort of like playing a psychedelic, super crazy Warioware acid trip. One mini game directly bleeds into the next mini game depending on what the player does. For example, the player starts as a drop of water falling from the sky. On the way down, you might run into a bird. The player now plays as the bird in a bad Flappy Bird clone. Along the way, you might collide with a spaceship in which the player controls to shoot asteroids out of the sky, which in turn will transition into another mini game like running around a 2.5D platformer as some amoeba-thing, doing push-ups using the analog stick, or trying to climb a well as the walls close in. Again, I can’t stress this enough, nothing about this game makes any sense. Why are you playing as a water drop? Why do I need to add wood to a fire? What the hell am I supposed to do during this specific mini-game? What are these blue blobs I am collecting? WTF!?

No, really, this is a Vivian Clark mini game.

Even the presentation is a joke and is (hopefully) attempting the “it is so bad it is good” approach. From the most simple menu screen, the player can adjust the values of the soda they drink but doesn’t seem to have any effect on gameplay. The soundtrack is hilariously nightmarish as it is some dude just whispering how much he likes soda on a repeated loop. The low poly and hideous textures of each environment are something worse than an intro to 3D modeling high school level class. And the gameplay…. Well, there really is no gameplay. There is an interesting concept hidden in the Vivian Clark mode, Switching from one mini game right to the next, but each game never explains what to do or what is going on.

In this game, you play as an arm and the goal is to shoot an arrow into a winged face.

The entire Soda Drinker Pro experience is one giant WTF moment that cannot be explained without experiencing it for yourself. And even if you play it for yourself, you still will have no clue what the hell is going on. In a way, this experimental game is either pure genius or the most ridiculous thing you have ever played. I am leaning toward the latter. Despite this, Soda Drinker Pro will always have a place stored in my memory banks as being a huge mind effing experience. It is, however, probably the best soda drinking simulator on the market.

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