A healthy relationship is also the key to a healthy life, new study finds

"There is a connection between physical and mental health,'' said Aimee Bernstein, psychotherapist with PinnacleHealth Psychological Associate

View full sizeDan and Heather Keefer of Newberry Township make a point of working to keep their relationship healthy.Courtesy of the Keefers

Even when Dan and Heather Keefer’s children were small, the Newberry Township couple intentionally planned time to spend together, even if their “date” was a trip to the grocery store.

“Pretty much every year, we manage to get a weekend away – something that says our children are important, but more important is our marriage. At some point, our kids will be out of the house and what will we have left?” said Dan Keefer, 45, who married Heather, 43, nearly 20 years ago. The couple has 17-year-old twins and another son, 15.

Eight years ago, the couple began running and training together for distance events. Although they run at different paces, they go to the gym together and encourage each other because “shared interests are important,” they both said.

Although life is busy and kids’ activities are time-consuming, the Keefers pay attention to their already-good marriage to safeguard it for the future.

“The most important thing is being aware of the seasons of our marriage as we go through them and always communicating,” Heather Keefer said. “Once a weekend, we go out to eat, just the two of us. It might just be Subway, but we are pretty intentional about taking time to talk about things.”

The Keefers are smart to do everything they can to keep their marriage intact as they head into mid-life, according to a new study that shows people who don’t have a spouse or partner in midlife have a higher incidence of premature death than those who do.

People who never married were more than twice as likely to die early as couples who had been in a stable marriage throughout adulthood, according to the study by Dr. Ilene Siegler and colleagues from Duke University Medical Center, published in Annals of Behavioral Medicine.

The study, which included 4,802 participants, also found that people who are single or lose a partner and don’t get remarried increase their risk of dying during middle age and decrease the likelihood that they will live to be elderly.

“Individuals who are able to make long-term commitments and have the skills to keep a partner close to them can be more well-rounded and able to recognize the pros and cons of a good relationship,” said Aimee Bernstein, psychotherapist with PinnacleHealth Psychological Associatesin Harrisburg. “There is a connection between physical and mental health.”

Many studies show that couples are happier and deal with stress better if they have a good relationship with their partner, said Dan Marrow, senior psychotherapist with behavioral health services of Holy Spirit Health System.

“These couples experience the same kinds of problems as unhappy couples, but being friends, they are a support to each other and can count on each other. This provides a ray of hope so that they can suffer the storms better than people who don’t have that,” he said.

What can couples do to help ensure their marriage will last into midlife and beyond? It comes down to commitment and communication, therapists said.

Many couples don’t have a healthy relationship, but they don’t want to learn how to have it, Marrow said. Some don’t want to do the hard work of facing conflict in order to resolve it, but, he said, “Avoiding conflict is like rust on a car; it will eventually eat up the car – or the marriage.”

There’s no shame in admitting you need the help of a therapist, Bernstein said.

“Honesty is important,’’ she said. “If you’re starting to feel less attracted to or close to your spouse, bring it up before you meet someone else or end up having an affair.”

Learn the basics of good conflict resolution – sticking to the topic at hand, speaking your mind instead of expecting your spouse to know what you’re thinking, allowing difference of opinion and compromising, Bernstein said.

Many marriages fail early – three to five years after kids – because couples aren’t prepared for the changes that children bring to a marriage and if they haven’t learned how negotiate conflict, “they’re doomed,” she said.

The Keefers, who had three children under age 2 at one point, admit that can be a difficult time.

“The kids had to be the focus. It was much harder to focus on meeting the needs of my husband,” Heather said.

“As a husband and a father yet a man, my attitude was ‘It should be about me, shouldn't it?’ I was operating from a pretty selfish perspective,” said Dan Keefer, who said he should have known better; he was a pastor who did premarital counseling at the time.

The Keefers benefited from nearby relatives and a close-knit church family who offered to babysit so they could take time away to reconnect as a couple. They also found mentors in older couples who took time to talk with them about how they managed the early years. Now, the Keefers try to offer that same counsel to younger couples.

“One thing I tell couples is that there are some days when you just honestly feel like all you can do is make it through the day; don’t define your marriage by a moment,'' Dan Keefer said. "In the midst of that difficult time, are you able to make one another smile? I can’t imagine not knowing that in all the craziness going on in life, I have this person that, come hell or high water, has my back.”

Healthy relationships, healthy life

So what if you’re not married in midlife? Are you doomed to an early death?

“I think you can choose to be single and still be healthy,” Bernstein said. “People with close family, close friends, even pets, can have satisfying relationships that can be very protective health factors.”

Marrow points out that widowers tend to remarry faster than widows and studies show widowers who remarry live longer than those who don’t. With widows, however, it doesn’t matter as much, perhaps because women are better at fostering relationships in general so they don’t have to have a marriage relationship.

“Secure relationships will reduce stress in life and this leads to better health,” he said.

The Keefers say they keep focused on what’s ahead as a way of buying into the future of their marriage.

“We often talk of our relationship in terms of a story. ‘After kids’ is a new chapter that we’ll have coming up soon. Instead of wondering what we’ll do without our kids around, we wonder what can we do now because they’re not around?” Heather Keefer said. “Don’t stop dreaming!”