“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”: I’m usually always prompt

QUICK! Get the tequila shots out, because you’re going to want a drink handy after this episode. BOTTOMS UP, EVERYONE.

We are still in Hawaii, hiking around with La Maloof and Dr. Mr. La Maloof while they share some rare romantic alone time with a full camera crew. LOOK OUT FOR RATTLESNAKES, LA MALOOF!!!

Kim and the Bridge Troll finally arrive in Lanai, and are all, “So we missed all our planes and never apologized to Kyle and Mauricio for being flakey and inconsiderate much less even update them on our travel situation! OOPS!” As they check into their room — which is next door to Kyle and Mauricio’s room to Kyle’s GREAT FAKE ANNOYANCE — Kyle flits about her room in nothing more than a towel, pressing her ear up against the wall to listen in on her sister, because that’s how irritated she is that Kim and Bridge Troll are next door. Very not irritated. WAIT, I MEAN SO SO! IRRITATED. Sample of the juicy conversation Kyle overhears?

Kim: “Male ducks are prettier than female ducks.”

Birdge Troll: “ME NO PRETTY YOU PRETTY.”

Everyone gets ready for Mauricio’s fancypants Birthday Dinner, Part 1: The Luau That’s Not Really a Luau At All. The group (minus Kim and Bridge Troll) is led down to a beachside table by a gentleman in a skirt and some torches and handed leis and champagne. Long after everyone has gotten their champagne on and found their seats at the table, Kim and Bridge Troll show up and receive their leis (“YOU ME LEI,” says Bridge Troll to Kim. “OH GOD GROSS, WHERE IS THAT TEQUILA SHOT?” says everyone else in the world.)

Kyle asks Kim what took them so long, and Kim slurs some lie about how Bridge Troll had to work, and so they had to catch a later flight. This, despite the fact that Bridge Troll is supposedly retired from his goat-gobbling duties. The tequila shots arrive (finally), and after making a traditional Mexican toast (“Arriba, abajo, al centro y adentro!”), Mauricio begins to grill Kim and Bridge Troll on their obvious and preposterous lie. Kim would rather pretend that saying Bridge Troll had to work even tough he’s long retired from the ol’ bridge is a perfectly acceptable story that no one should ever ask her about, ever, and tells everyone to JUST DROP IT. Mauricio, sensing that his wife is about to climb over the table and yank her sister’s hair out her head, kisses Kyle, only to have Kim and Bridge Troll mock them. Because Kim is terrible. And definitely probably inebriated.

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As the appetizers arrive, the conversation turns to Taylor and Russell and whether or not she is really, finally, absolutely, positively done with her marriage. Nope! says Dr. Mr. La Maloof. They’ll be back together in 48 hours! says Dr. Mr. La Maloof. SPOILER ALERT: They’re not.

Dr. Mr. La Maloof then toasts his La Maloof and then they slather their tongues all over each others’ faces and Brandi suggests that they are superfreaks who get it on with other people. This is entirely within the realm of the possible.

Kyle is still livid that her sister won’t simply acknowledge how rude she’s been, and furiously whispers back and forth with Lisa about HOW DARE SHE pretend that EVERYTHING IS NORMAL, before bursting into angry tears. Lisa Vandereminds her that Kyle can’t change Kim, and that Kyle must let it Vandergo. Out of sheer awesome passive aggressiveness, Mauricio then makes a toast to “the truth.” ¡LA VERDAD! Kim, who even as blurry as she is right now — and let’s be clear, she is VERY BLURRY — even she understands that this is a dig at her very terrible lie, and whines that she’s here now, and everyone should just enjoy themselves. There’s nothing to ‘fess up to, MAURICE. Maurice Mauricio notes that when one is 36 hours late to a birthday party and then lies — AND LIES POORLY — about why they were late, it creates tension. But they’re happy to have her and her Bridge Troll here! EXCEPT THAT THEY TOTALLY ARE NOT.

The next day, the group charters a catamaran to take them out snorkeling, and that (late) morning, they all pile into the shuttle bus. All except Kim and the Bridge Troll, of course. After waiting for a while, Kyle and Lisa Vanderstorm upstairs and bang on the door to Kim’s hotel room. Nothing. Frustrated, Kyle and Lisa clamber over the shared balcony wall between Kyle and Kim’s rooms. Or, rather, Kyle clambers over the wall. Lisa gets her Vanderdonk stuck on the Vanderbalcony and has to be Vanderyoinked out by Kyle. They bang on the patio door for a while until a bleary Kim peeks out at them uncomprehendingly. Frustrated with this, Lisa and Kyle head back to the hallway, where Bridge Troll and Kim finally open the door and claim to have not heard the alarm clock and now they’ve lost the bottoms of Kim’s bathing suit, whoops. IT FAULT ME, says Bridge Troll.

Finally, Kyle is done, and she and Lisa return to the shuttle and order the driver to just go. Just leave Kim and the Bridge Troll. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Kim and Bridge Troll, however, sober up “find her missing bathing suit,” and hurry downstairs into a car that gets them to the boat dock just as the catamaran is pulling away. Kyle cries out plaintively to her sister, but it’s too late, says Boat Captain, much to everyone else’s visible relief. “Imagine being stuck out there with her for three hours,” Mauricio says off-camera. INDEED.

Kim, in an interview, explains some very important things that we should know: 1. She’s a Virgo. 2. She is usually always prompt. 3. She never got the wakeup call. 4. She is a marlin fisher.

Kim and Bridge Troll return to the hotel and have lunch where Kim burbles, So what that they were left behind? What she really needed was to relax anyway, and everything happens for a reason. She’s always saying that, she’s always saying “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!” and this is just another example of everything and it happening and it being for a reason.

On the catamaran, Brandi’s bathing suit very nearly comes off, Lisa Vanderadmits to liking Brandi and her trash mouth, a bunch of people snorkle and look at the fishes, Kyle frets guiltily about leaving Kim behind, Brandi flirts with Boat Captain. BOAT TRIP!

ME NO LIKE PEOPLE BANG ON DOOR, says Bridge Troll. NO RESPECT TROLL PRIVACY. I BASH PEOPLE MEAN TO YOU. NO LIKE PEOPLE. BASH PEOPLE, says Bridge Troll.

And with that, we have Mauricio’s fancypants Birthday Dinner, Part 2: The Library of Some Other Four Seasons Hotel. Kim and the Bridge Troll manage to arrive on time, and Kim begins telling anyone who will stand still long enough that though they missed the boat, everything happens for a reason! That’s what she always says, you know: she’s just always saying, “Everything happens for a reason!” Kyle glares furiously at her sister.

La Maloof and Dr. Mr. La Maloof take a brief walk with Kim, where she insists, again, that she really just wanted to relax and everything happens for a reason! Like she always says! When she’s marlin fishing! Dr. Mr. La Maloof asks about the Bridge Troll, and La Maloofs note that he seems like “a nice troll.” Bridge Troll, who is lurking nearby, comes stomping over, and is all, I NO LIKE OF WHAT YOU SAY. Dr. Mr. La Maloof assures him that they were just talking about him — and saying nice things — and Bridge Troll is all, I KNOW YOU TALK WORDS AT ME. I NO LIKE. BASH. La Maloofs look at him like the crazy troll he is, and Kim attempts to assure Bridge Troll that everything is cool. ME WRONG, grunts Bridge Troll.

Kim explains in an interview that the Bridge Troll likes to “keep an eye on [her],” which, NO. GET OUT NOW, KIM.

The group heads into the private dining room, where Bridge Troll continues his charm offensive: THIS CHEESE. YOU NO LIKE CHEESE, he insists at Kim.

Everyone wishes Mauricio a happy birthday for the 78th time this weekend, and Kim, once again, explains that she spent the day relaxing, but, you know her saying: Everything happens for a reason! But Kyle is not having it, and she confronts Kim, again, about how disrespectful she has been during this entire trip. Kim, frustrated that shrieking “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!” over and over again isn’t getting her off the hook for this, argues that she just missed a plane. People miss planes everyday! What’s the big deal? And anyway, Kyle drives around while talking on the cell phone, so.

This sends Kyle into an incoherent rage, and she begins yelling at Kim that she hasn’t driven anywhere with her in 12 years, so HOW WOULD SHE KNOW? And this has nothing to do with anything, the point is KIM HAS TO ACCEPT THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO HER BEHAVIOR. Bridge Troll blurts out: WE NO CARE. And with that, Kim and the Bridge Troll leave in a huff. As they scurry back to the bridge, everyone else at the dinner party assures Kyle that there is something wrong with Kim, and that she will eventually hit a wall and realize that she needs help. Until then, Kyle’s just going to have to let go, allow Kim to hang out with her enabling troll and wait. Kyle makes a sad face.

And back in Los Angeles, Taylor goes over to Pam’s house with her hair very strategically draped over her right eye, to eat fancy mysterious chef-prepared food and talk about the end of her marriage, and how upset she is her friends weren’t more supportive and more not-in-Hawaii. Pam defends them for a while, pointing out that Russell was a jerk, and now that he’s no longer in the picture, it will be easier for her friends to be around her. Additionally, Pam is “so pysched.” Which is a term that I was fairly certain was never meant to see this side of the 21st century, so I suppose you learn something new every day.