Anne Palumbo: Here is a revolutionary way to lose weight

Monday

Breaking news, gentle readers! I have come up with a sure-fire way to lose weight. It came to me while I was preparing dinner for my family last Sunday.

Breaking news, gentle readers! I have come up with a sure-fire way to lose weight. It came to me while I was preparing dinner for my family last Sunday.

Here it is: Invite my family over while you are actually making a meal and you will never, ever want to eat again. Honest!

Why would that be?

The reason is simple: My family can’t keep their grimy fingers out of whatever I’m cooking, and I’m sure they’d gladly assault your food with the same disrespect.

Call me finicky, but I don’t like it when someone dips their dirty digits in my simmering spaghetti sauce.

The act sets off a forensic nightmare of intimate graphic images, much like the kind you see on that TV show “CSI.” What I’m trying to say is, I don’t simply see a finger being inserted into tomato sauce. No, I imagine (1) where that finger may have been, (2) what it may have picked up in the process of being there, and then (3) what it is probably depositing in my savory sauce.

If I may be so bold as to give you a concrete example: Let’s say that finger has just untied a sneaker. When that unwashed finger finds its way into my sauce, I see all sorts of nasty molecules from wherever that sneaker has been: the gym, the road, the thruway rest stop. I see sweat and other sundry foot outputs.

I see smell. Yes! I can see smell! Ever since I was a child, I have been able to see odor molecules, especially the stinky ones. I consider it a gift, really, a sixth sense, as it has served me well on many occasions.

FRIEND: Hey, that looks like a neat shop, let’s go in.

ME: No, it looks like it smells bad.

FRIEND: What on earth do you see?

ME: Big molecules of stale Border Collie breath.

FRIEND: So what, the owner has a dog.

ME: And its breath is clinging to everything. I’m not going in. I’ve got an interview in an hour and I don’t want to smell like an old dog with a digestive disorder.

But back to the point of this column: Losing Weight with the Annie Clan. Lest you are not offended by someone who sneaks a little tasty-poo with his or her pinkie finger, please be aware that my family – and I’m talking about the whole extended tribe – really goes the distance when it comes to indecent kitchen behavior.

You see, they don’t just take one small taste – they take several, with the same goober-y finger, spoon or tongue. They don’t just sip from their wine glass – they gulp from whichever one is closest. They don’t just eat an appetizer – they sling it back on the plate, half-eaten, if it doesn’t suit them.

Ice? Snatched with a fist. Bread? Grabbed and ripped. Milk? Guzzled straight from the carton. Cheese? Riddled with teeth marks. Boxed chocolates? A bite out of each one.
It’s enough to squelch your appetite for weeks!

Anyway, with swimsuit season fast approaching, you might want to book them now. They’re a good group, despite their ghastly habits. Funny thing is, they look at me like I’m the one with the problem. Me? The fastidious one who cooks in scrubs. Go figure.