Oils Can Save Us from the Zombie Apocalypse

Remember the internet before people discovered essential oils? Me neither. I like to pretend that I’m immune to all these excited friends talking about how oils cured their abscessed bellybutton warts – with pictures – but I can only take so much before my natural cynicism crumbles for the promise of a flu-less existence. Oils can save us from paper cuts, bad trips to the hair stylist, excessive armpit hair, and the entire spectrum of herpes. Sign me up.

I wouldn’t have tried oils (sorry every person on Facebook) except my friend Carolyn is really good at talking me into things. She doesn’t even try. She’s just really skeptical and very logically explains how skeptical she is while assuring me she’s not selling anything. It’s a superpower. This is the same woman who singlehandedly almost got me to try homeschooling. She’s that good.

It all started a few months ago when she made some coconut almond butter balls with orange oil in them. My mouth had never been so happy. I wanted the balls, but not the complicated oils that went with them, so at first I just tried to get the balls oil-free.

(You know how much I love double entendre and am sometimes mildly inappropriate but you forgive me anyway?)

She made me the balls, which I savored for about a month, but then I got greedier. I needed more balls and I needed oils to save us from back hair, Cookie Monster breath, fungal toe, and hemorrhoids.

And so she set me up with the full-blown ultra party package, complete with diffuser. Until this point I didn’t know what a diffuser was, and lemme tell you, I have been missing out. This little guy squirts smelly mist into the air and makes my room smell like a spa.

One thing I’ve realized with my foray into this oily world is that oils are for grownups, and we don’t have any of those around here. We cannot be cool about these little elixirs.

When our uber ultra ginormo party package arrived in the mail, I started pulling out the little bottles and realized my worst fears. There was no answer key to explain what to do with them. Carolyn was about to become my own personal WebMD and with every text from me, she would learn to regret ever sharing her oily balls.

I opened up one bottle with a label I’d never heard of. The oil people are just making up words in their oil laboratories. “Melaleuca.” I didn’t even know what that was but it sounded like a mucousy disease and I threatened to rub it all over Alex while he was sleeping.

Alex smelled the frankincense oil and said, “Meh. Do you think Jesus smelled it and said to the wise men, ‘Really? This is all you brought?'”

One day I had bad cramps and the special anti-cramp oil wasn’t helping. Alex suggested putting it in the diffuser and straddling it naked so the oil would go directly up my uterus. I will keep you posted about this method. The Diffuser Bidet, patent pending.

When I started diffusing a clovy smelling oil, Alex asked if he could drink it. He’s sold. He doesn’t care what they’re supposed to do. He just likes the smell. Except sometimes not so much.

A few weeks ago when I had a stomach virus, I slathered something that smelled like licorice bark on my belly and ran to the bathroom.

Me: Alllexx. I smell like a combination of essential oils and diarrhea. It’s…confusing.

Alex: Oookayy. Let’s keep that door shut.

My oil dealer is regretting ever talking me into this, because now she’s getting texts from me like “Is there an oil for fire anus? Which oil for fire anus!?!”

I am not smart enough for oils. I do things like this:

Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, that’s me.

I am happy to report that Evie woke up the next morning and her tongue was all better. So maybe Baby Jesus did appreciate that frankincense oil after all. Since he couldn’t update his status on Facebook, the world will never know.

__________________________________________________

Nobody freak out. I promise we’re not oil-abusers over here. We know about carrier oils. We have Carolyn.

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I am laughing so hard I have to stop eating my lunch! And I have never even tried oils! Lol!

Melanie Dale

I’m glad to know this causes laughter in both the oil-using and non-oil-using sectors of society. Bahahaa!

Susan Flynn Love

Funny. I have resisted the oils. It’s hard when it seems as if EVERY friend swears by them, but I’m gonna hold out. When the Zombies come, I’ll be the genius, cause I think those oils might just make everyone else tastier.

Melanie Dale

You’re so right. Brains go down easier with a little oregano oil, or so I’ve heard.

http://www.amylearns.com/ Amy Tilson

Obviously, you have not taken oregano oil. Literally, burns the germs out of your throat with a fire the likes of which haven’t been witnessed since Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego! But it works. ;)

Rhiannon

That is so true. But, cough syrup is also gross, so I take it in stride.

Patticom

Oregano oil doesn’t do a thing for me (except burn), but maybe if I fling it onto the zombie, it will burn his face off and I’ll be safe… hmmm, better get the BIG diffuser just in case. ;)

http://www.akajanerandom.com Paula Claunch

I too remain immune to the oils! One day I’ll get sucked in like the rest of you people but until that day…

Kyra

Hehehehe…. I was too… then my day came.. they are soooo amazing!! :)

http://sweettmakesthree.com/ Jenn

You know where to find me when you’re ready. ;)

Chris McCabe

Paula, trust me … in the history of EOs, there has been no greater oil hater than I was. I thought that the idea of rubbing something on my neck, stomach, feet … smelling whatever … I thought it was just the dumbest idea of all time. “What a bunch of limp-minded hypochondriacs. Really? People actually think this stuff works?”

Everyone has their day. Mine came when I watched my highly hyper ADHD girl go from an F-5 tornado to a mild summer breeze in a matter of a few minutes with a balancing blend. My first reaction was, “Well, the sugar high may have worn off.” But it kept working over and over and over.

They just work. Plain and simple. I’ve fought off colds, flu, indigestion, headaches, muscle cramps, frustration, anger, rage, sadness, anxiousness … my wife uses them for all of that plus her “monthly friend” (no Midol, no ibuprofen or aspirin …). My daughters both use them to stay calm. The ADHD daughter still needs prescription meds, but she’s on THE LOWEST dose of concerta that’s possible to get. The rest is all oils.

I will tell you what I tell everyone who has doubts: BE skeptical! Doubt that they work. But at the same time, test them. Try them. Challenge what you don’t believe. See if they don’t live up to what they claim. If they don’t work for you, then hey–you still have the best of western medicine at your disposal. But if they do work … and I bet they will … then your healthy living arsenal just got a *lot* bigger. :)

Rachel

can you tell me the balancing blend you use on your daughter? My three year old daughter is very, very active. I am afraid she is adhd, but she is too young to diagnose. I would love some help with oils.

yeppers

Vetiver, Balance by doterra, or since she is young you can try lavender. Google “essential oils for adhd”.

Karen

Balance is amazing. It is the oil I use to make my sons stop fighting, in the diffuser or right on the back of the neck. It gets rid of a cranky attitude very quickly. The results of that one oil sold my husband.

julie stedman

When I stop guffawing and weeping tears of hilarity, I will share this on Facebook.

Justina

If you think this is funny, know that my husband and I taught an oily class a few months ago for Preppers and in our promotional materials we did, tongue-in-cheek, reference a Zombie Apocalypse. If it happens, we are ready with our oils. Well, except for the me-screaming-loudly and being the slowest gazelle in the family herd running behind the rest and being consumed by the Zombie because I’m the one trailing at the end of the pack. There is not an oil I have found thus far to protect me from being eaten by a zealous Zombie. Except maybe geranium because it smells so awful in my opinion and he might just run away when the aroma wafts over him and decide I’m not worth pursuing.

Melanie Dale

“There is not an oil I have found thus far to protect me from being eaten by a zealous zombie.” Bahahaha!! Maybe the oils will heal the zombies…

Chris McCabe

Let them get a whiff of vetiver. That’ll keep them all about a smell’s length away. :)

PegAloi

ooh I love vetiver!

Meg Parker Wilson

As slathered up as ya’ll sound, you’ll shoot right out of their rotting palms like a bar of soap!! No worries, you’ve got it all ‘covered’… teehee. Fabulous and charming blog.

Nicole James

Tea tree oil. The answer is always tea tree oil.

(Patchouli might be more effective though. Unless they’re hippie zombies. But if they were…how could you tell they were zombies?)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s what I’ll save the geranium oil for! It sure is stinko-city! We’ll be survivors!

Jessica Crawford Crow

Justina, I would love to know what you did for a Preppers class! I also could not stand the smell of geranium for the longest time, but now I wear it as deodorant, lol.

Susan F- Virginia

Ahh Mel, I too about 3 years was welcomed into the oily world. RXs are still my friends but the licorice tummy one has saved us all and teenage cramps and momma middleshmurtzs are made better Clary sage and the bliss of citrus helps with the grey winter months. #1 kid mixes up capsules for her daddy when he has an issue and loves the little book. Bring on the zombies and off to Haiti they will come with me this summer. Another giggle so thanks for your sharing with yet another experience of yours.

Melanie Dale

Bring on the zombies, Susan. We are so ready.

Jessi

So are you going to share your recipe for the Balls?!? I’m dying to try them!!

I won’t deny I just cry-laughed my way through this. Freaking brilliant post. OMG.

Melanie Dale

Thanks, Lisa!

ford4life69

Love it. Now definitely about those balls. ….

jen ocampo

Straddle the diffuser….jajajaja, I just died!!!

Lisa Orrick

Oh my goodness! Everyone is asleep at my house and I’m afraid I’ve just woken them all up with my out loud laughter! You are hysterical!! And the Balls are amazing! On pinterest–power bites!

Melanie Dale

The balls really are amazing!

Savanah

Okay, I just have to say I love your blog! A friend shared a link & the title had me thinking I was going to be honked off…20 posts later, my sides hurt from laughing.

Melanie Dale

Yay! Thanks for pushing through the honking!

Daba

I love your disclaimer about oil abuse!!! Cause surely those conservative about oils would get on you about that. lol

Voodoo Hippie Magic Man

My wife posts all kids of crap on my FB page that I never read. For some reason, I decided to click through to this. I don’t know who you people are, but this is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. We’ve had the Melucci oils you talk about, but now I think we’re on the do-Terrible kind. Either way, I don’t know how the voodoo hippie magic oils works, but I’ve drank the Frankincense kool-aid and all I’ve got to say is, “More, please.”

PS – if you’re in need of some hilarity, put some Oregano oil on their balls, or anywhere else for that matter, and see what happens.

Melanie Dale

Well that sounds spicy. ;) Ha, thanks Voodoo Hippie Magic Man!

Melissa

Thanks. You brought joy to my morning. :)

Lindsey

I have a friend just like your Carolyn named Cara Lee and this post could not be any closer to my life story since Saturday when I got my ultra party package kit myself! I literally laughed until I had tears coming out of my eyes. But maybe it’s the peppermint I slathered on me this morning and not the laughter making my eyes water. Who knows?! Who cares?! Thanks for a great laugh this morning!

Melanie Dale

Cheers to Carolyn and Cara Lee!

Brittany Deckard

put some breast milk on it to just for good measure

http://mydoterra.com/fitandessential Melani Gates

Lol it’s really hard for me to read anything at length but this is great. Now about those balls, where is the recipe?

I am entirely too close to peeing in my pants after reading this. Fire anus sent me straight over the edge. I still don’t know what the heck I am doing with my oils, but I figure they don’t let you mother children anymore if you don’t use them, so I should probably pretend that I know what’s up. I just diffuse On Guard and pray no one gets sick again. But then they do, and then I have to research flu bombs, then I have to Google each ingredient to make sure I can ingest it so I don’t die, because that’s worse than getting sick. Anyway- you’re really funny, and I like you.

Melanie Dale

That’s hilarious, Jessica – “they don’t let you mother children anymore if you don’t use them.” HA! I like you, too. :)

BajaDreamer

So if I understand correctly, the author likes moist, oily balls?
Personally I prefer to keep mine dry and comfy.

Amy F.

My husband somehow came across your blog and sent me the link because I’m an oiler who’s been blessed with the gift of sarcasm and he knew I would “get you”. I think the best part of my day was reading, “Is there an oil for fire anus?” My audible laugh garnered strange looks from the moms in the dance studio lobby I’m currently sitting in. And yes, there’s an oil for that.

Melanie Dale

“An oiler who’s been blessed with the gift of sarcasm.” You’re perfect. :)

Laurelbleu26

Yes, please share your balls. You know we want them…

PS. Great. You’ve made me laugh so hard my pancreas hurts. What oil do I use for that??

Melanie Dale

I don’t even know where my pancreas is… :)

Melanie Dale

I’m choking I’m laughing so hard. Oh. My gosh.

Melanie Dale

I’m having so many emotions about this actually existing in the world. :)

Grace Vasquez

That post was hilarious and point on now that I’m into esstis oils I found this extra funny and relatable great post/blog thanks for sharing!!!!

Bella Arica Angelo

Best read ever. I adore you.

Taura

bhaa hahahahahahaaa!! I LOVE YOU!

http://www.momadvice.com Amy Allen Clark

Thank you for making me laugh until I cry. I’m serious, the best afternoon pick-me-up evah.

Melanie Dale

Oh yay, Amy, thanks! Cry-laughing is the best.

Erica

LOL… with tears… again! Laughter is the BEST medicine – onto the next post!

Hannah Avery

Hilarious!

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