And here's the thing about beautiful women: they're all beautiful. Every last one of them is strikingly, ridiculously gorgeous. If you took 1,000 women in our society and put them all together in a big room, you'd be hard-pressed to find one who isn't gorgeous. But, the majority of them will believe that they're not- that they would be beautiful if only they spent more time at the gym, or ate better, or had better skin.

We were at a party the other night and I made a comment to my wife and friends that a girl there was really sexually attractive. And this was an objective fact I was stating, as controversial as saying, "Man, the sky is big" or "this milk tastes really milky". But our friend says, "You guys should tell her that she's attractive because she thinks she isn't and she's trying to lose 40 more pounds so she'll be attractive."

And, you know, I realize that, on the scale of terribleness, a majority of women not knowing how attractive they are is maybe not as important as a majority not knowing how smart they are- although plenty of them don't know that either, it's just our society doesn't value intelligence.

But, how do people live in a society like this without losing their shit about it.

Okay, so, here's the thing about being married: we're not good at it. At least, not like you're supposed to be. Oh, we love each other passionately and we don't fight or bicker. We're not bad at it that way. We're best friends. Yep.

But, when you're married, you're part of an enterprise- Married Couple, Inc. So, you have to work on that full time. And, if you want to work on your shit, it's not so easy to do that without rocking the boat. I think that's the issue with us. My wife wants to work on her shit, figure out who she is, and get her life together. Which she probably can't do with me. So, we're splitting up. Probably. The thought is painful for us, and the reality probably will be too. But this isn't working anymore.

And what if she does get it together? I don't know. She has no idea if she will, and I just can't see waiting around for her, frankly. So, I have to start over my life again, which isn't what I feel like doing at 36. This doesn't feel good. But, what can ya' do?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Is this thing still on? I might start posting here again. My life is in a state of turmoil- teaching my own course for the first time, clumsily; trying to shape my dissertation into something worthwhile, also clumsily; and likely reshaping my marriage, painfully. So, plenty of things to get off my chest, here, in a less public forum than the other places I write. Blogging here is a bit like writing on water. Right now, that is inviting.