After I tell the riveting tale of how I once stole a swing from kindergarteners by pretending to find four leaf clover, JL Gleefully asserts his love for swings, suggests we hit up a park on 54th street when there are no children around.

After exiting the bathroom in Richmond, John is confused to see me standing behind a young boy drinking water from a fountain. I then fill my water bottle and ask why he was confused. He said he didn't realize there was a water fountain there, and was wondering why the kid was staring at the wall.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato (also Heinz 57, etc, etc.) but those things are good too.

Dr. Loki Skylizard, Thoracic Surgeon wrote:mayo on burgers is a war crime

WRONG! One day I'm gonna open a restaurant and then rudely not talk to you when I walk by your table.

Nick Conder
Louisville, KY

"Your Honor, years ago I recognized my kinship with all living beings, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on earth. I said then, and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it, and while there is a criminal element I am of it, and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."--Eugene V. Debs

We exit the airport and get in a taxi with a man JL describes as a shoo-in to win the part of Big Daddy in a production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Except far more talkative.

He asks us where we come from, we answer. He astutely notes that you could fit tiny Richmond in a corner of Chicago and lose it. We agree, and then he repeats himself. JL then says he's right, to which Arnold delivers the first of many "I know I'm right!!"s.

We then discuss the weather. He notes that rain has been ongoing ever since God created the Earth, and that it's never killed anybody. JL, after the fact, remarks on the irony in God trying to kill everyone on Earth with too much rain. I note that I'd much rather have rain and eat the crops it produces than be hungry without rain, which must have struck a chord because he repeated that sentiment five more times.

Out of nowhere, Arnold notes that summer is drawing to a close. In fact, students from VCU (where he knows we will be hanging out this weekend) will be returning to school in about three weeks, on the 20th. The
20th of August. That's three weeks from now, on the 20th of August. I nod and say I'd believe that as they're on the semester system. "I know I'm right!" Arnold bellows (JL: I'm not sure he's capable of speaking below a bellow). It's the 20th of August. Three weeks from now, VCU students will come back on the 20th. I ask if this is good for business, only to learn it is not, as parents typically drive students to move in on this first of return dates, the 20th of august. That's three weeks from now. On the 20th. This all happens to Virginia Union and University of Richmond students too. They return on the 20th. Arnold knows he's right. The 20th of August.

The freshmen don't come back on the 20th (which if you recall, is the date when most students come back; it's three weeks from today). Freshmen however, come back a week earlier for some manner of orientation program. Arnold's seen the pattern. He's been here 31 years. All of them driving a cab. He knows the pattern.

At this point, my phone buzzes. A new text! John Lawrence: "I'm trying to figure out which Twain novel we're currently trapped in." I literally cannot stop laughing; I am forced to pretend a cough, then take a sip of water, then choke on this water due to laughter. Finally, I settle down, and then re-read the text, and begin the cycle anew. Arnold continues pontificating upon a subject of great importance.

Originally I was going to separate this post into two more parts, but upon deliberation JL and I have decided to condense the taxi saga into a trilogy; a marriage of parts three, four, and five, to continue our Doris Lessing-themed day.

Arnold is now talking about football players. It seems VCU football players do not return on the 20th either. He's seen this pattern too. They come back THIS VERY WEEK to begin practice for the season. John notes that the weather is not conducive to this. Arnold says he is right in a variety of different ways. He then notes that the Redskins practiced at VCU's facilities, and in fact stayed at the Omni Hotel which we were passing at the time. We then engage in a discussion (we being Arnold and me, as JL probably thinks RG3 is a protein receptor) about the prospects of the Redskins next season. I mention that I am from St. Louis, and that they got the Griffin pick from us. He gets excited, and talks about how great a coach Jeff something is. I agree that Jeff Fisher is fantastic. He tells me a lot about how Jeff Fisher is. And didn't Jeff Fisher use to coach somewhere else? I confirm he got the Titans to the Super Bowl (where they lost to the Rams!). Jeff Fisher sure is a great coach! What a great coach, Jeff Fisher is. Unfortunately, we're in the same division as the Seahawks and the Niners. That's a division of death. I opine that Arizona is not so shabby either; he disagrees. Also he's concerned that the Seahawks won't be able to repeat. I point out that no one's repeated since the Pats. He tells me how the Giants didn't repeat. I try to tell him Eli Manning sucks. He ignores me, as well as when I mention how the Ravens sucked this year too. Mercifully, we finally arrive. Jeff FIsher's a real good coach.

MS: I'm about to start part 2.
JL: OK, I'm about to use the bathroom.
MS: All right, we'll wait until you get back. Don't rush though!
JL: Don't worry, I would never let anything interfere with doing it properly.

At dinner, JL successfully predicts the two sides I will order with my combo deal: hush puppies and french fries. He notes that his methodology was to just guess two fried starches. JL clearly understands middle America. (quoth JL: "That's right. I feel the pulse of the people.")

Upon returning from a fairly standard quizbowl dinner, we receive word that the esteemed Michael Coates is trapped in Philly, and will not be joining us tonight. I suggest we reduce the number of strippers we ordered for the evening by 33%. JL responds, "What?! You don't think we can handle his share??"

I just want to note that ARNOLD IS NOT RIGHT! How could he possibly live in Richmond for 31 years and not know that VCU has no football team? What kind of lunatic isn't aware of VCU's undefeated record in football (because we don't have a team)? Bon Secours owns and operates the "facility" that the Redskins use!

JL: Are these texts fanmail?
MS: No, just friends from school. It's a group text I unfortunately got sucked into.
(another text arrives)
MS: Dammit, stop texting me about how much you benched today! That is literally the lowest priority thing for me to deal with right now!
(another text arrives)
JL: Another one about benching?
MS: Yes!! (exasperatedly throws phone on bed)
JL: Still contend that your friends are smarter than mine?
MS: ...
JL: Mine may bench less, that I grant you!

JL: Wait a minute, didn't Arnold say school starts three weeks from tomorrow?
MS: Yeah, that's the 23rd! The 20th would be a Wednesday! Why would school here start on a Wednesday?
JL: His whole narrative is full of holes; I think he may have been Keyser Soze!

I am awoken at 6:57. JL has already showered, is dressing, and has apparently written a tossup. I don't move. At 7:02 JL gently suggests that I shower, as we have a complimentary continental breakfast ahead of us.

Printer troubles at the Linden Row Inn when trying to acquire scoresheets for the day. First USB fails, then they don't have internet. Finally JL succeeds through email. Off to VCU we go! I hope we get there before 8:30, when the tournament will be starting!

JL: Wait a minute, didn't Arnold say school starts three weeks from tomorrow?
MS: Yeah, that's the 23rd! The 20th would be a Wednesday! Why would school here start on a Wednesday?
JL: His whole narrative is full of holes; I think he may have been Keyser Soze!

His teammate negs. Evan does that thing where you hit the table as if you know it. He probably did though since they dropped a well known clue shortly after the neg. during the bonus he seems to be flirting with George. They're leaning in close to each other and George is laughing. You got game, Evan!

MattBo tells Eric to just "close your eyes and think of England" after I get tossups 1 and 2 against them, both science. We end up getting like 15 tossups and winning the game.

After acquiring pizza and bringing it back to the tournament, JL is dismayed to realize we forgot napkins. I point out that he probably still has the extras from the airport Five Guys. His face lights up with childish glee as he thanks me profusely and exclaims, "Thank goodness for my former foresight!"