30.9.10

Today, I was asked if I knew what it was to be His. To be HIS child. I was confused as heck. So, the same person asked me, are you HIS child? So, I looked quizzically at my friend and said the only thing I could think of. I said, "I wish I could say that I believed I was a child of God."

He said, "It's simple. To be HIS, you just have to be H.I.S. To live in Humility, Innocence, and Simplicity."

If I wanted "leadership with compassion", I would elect Mother Teresa to be our governor with Mr. Rogers as her lieutenant. I'm just saying...

Let's imagine for a minute that I did vote based on the compassion of a man. Mr. Gutierrez, you are a former governor of the island that I love and which I call home. During your terms, the quality of education diminished. The quality of life, in general, diminished. Our island deteriorated, our deficit turned a bright shade of red, and the infrastructure of the government left much to be desired. Where was your compassion when I, as an up and coming citizen of this island you claim to love, was struggling to make ends meet? Where was your compassion when our families were losing jobs and starting to suffer on an island where suffering was rarely heard of?

Oh, I remember where it was. Your compassion was in helping your voters and only your voters. Your compassion was in paving their private driveways to ensure you were re-elected. Your compassion was in making sure your kababayans had a piece of property on an island where the Chamorros should have been taken care of before anyone else. Your compassion was in appropriating funds that would benefit your friends and family. Your so called compassion was in clearing your child's record when he was caught for drug possession and distribution even when you knew that he was in the wrong.

Never mind the people of Guam who represented a smaller percentage of your constituents. Your compassion mister former governor was in your own interest. Would you see that as compassion? If you do, then, I guess I must have a misunderstanding of the definition of "compassion".

But, you see, Mr. Former Governor and Mr. Senator, I am not looking for a governor who is only in it for the title. I am not looking for leaders who will only help their people. What I am looking for is a governor who will lead our island and its people with a firm hand. Someone who will set this island straight. Someone who is willing to step up and correct the mistakes of the past.

Do not jade yourself in to thinking that the people who matter do not know the misuse of power that went on during your term. Do not fool yourself in to thinking that the people of Guam are ignorant and stupid. You, mister former governor and mister senator, need to stop laying the blame on natural disasters, the current administration, and the legislature. You both need to own up for the lack of responsibility you both had during your terms. I, personally, do not want a leadership team who is going to point their finger at someone else to take the blame for their mistakes. If I did want that, I'd elect my 2 year old nephew to play the role, thank you.

The bottom line is, you do not have what it takes to lead this beautiful island that we, the people of Guam, call home. You can't expect that we believe we will be in better hands with your team. The next governor of this island has a lot of cleaning up to do. Do you really think that you can do that in the one term that you are able to serve? I think not.

29.9.10

You want to know what I want? Really? You asked...I want you to stop. All of it. I want you to stop the special attention. I want you to stop the concern. I want you to stop the calls and all that it comes with. I want you to stop making me laugh. To stop making me blush. I want you to stop everything that leads me to think, "What if...". There can't be a "What if...". EVER. So, what's the point?

Every call, every smile, every laugh, every look or touch... It needs to stop.

But, at the same time, I don't want it to stop. I like to hear the sound of your voice, even though, at times, it makes me cringe. I like the laughter and the fun. I like the way I feel special, needed, wanted, loved. It's the way that every woman should be treated. That laughter is the medicine that the world needs. The conversations are the necessity in any successful relationship.

I read once, "Impossible relationships. That's my gift, impossible relationships.". That, my friend, is exactly what this is. An impossible relationship. We will hit that dead end. We will end up confused by the turmoil. It's inevitable.

I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what I really want. I feel like a confused teenager and it irritates the hell out of me. But, hey... Such is the way of life, I guess.

27.9.10

'Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; fear him rather who can destroy both body and soul in hell.' Mt 10:28

This was the passage that spoke to me the most at yesterday's scrutatio. On Saturday, I went for a follow up at the doctor's office. The news he had for me was news that I had heard before. But, it was also something that I had thought I'd worked past. I thought that it was a part of my life that I had left behind me with oh so many other things. But, when the doctor said that I was severely anemic, it all came back again. Anemia, in most cases, is nothing to worry about. But, with the word 'severe' attached to it, it brings on a whole new set of possibilities.

When I was living in the states, I was diagnosed with anemia. Back then, my hemoglobin levels were at 2.7. Now, they are at 6.5. While that is nearly three times what it was in the states, it is still half of the normal levels. So, it's back to iron pills... three times a day for no less than six months... preferably for a year and a half. If, by December, my levels do not return to normal, they want to do another blood transfusion. In the states, my transfusion was 100% covered under the state health benefits. Here on Guam, I'm not so lucky. *laugh* Lucky... there's a word that I can expound on. But, I will spare you all the joy of that rant for today. I'm not sure what a blood transfusion would cost me, here on Guam. But, I do know it's beyond my reach. So, I'm praying, as hard as ever, that the iron therapy works.

Did I know I was anemic? Well, I had a feeling that I was. But, I didn't think it was this bad again. The only symptom that I had, that I knew of, was the constant fatigue. But, I had attributed that to lack of sleep due to late night meetings, planning sessions, stress... what have you. Friends would often ask me if I was getting enough sleep. In my mind, I was. But, apparently, trouble sleeping is also a symptom of anemia. As are brittle nails, irritability, the inability to concentrate, shortness of breath, swelling, bruising, and loss of appetite. I never knew that all these things were symptoms of anemia. I always thought that it was just from being so tired all the time. But, knowing now what I should have known before, I realize that I had all the symptoms.

What now? Now, I keep up with the supplements. Now, I make major lifestyle changes to accommodate this condition. No more alcohol... no more apples... no more of a LOT of things. More veggies, more meat, more greens! These are all changes that I should be making anyway. But, now, I have more of a reason, I suppose. In the long run, if things don't improve, my heart will have to work harder than it already is in order to get the oxygen it needs and to get blood circulating the way that it should. So, in the long run, severe anemia could eventually lead to heart failure. But, let's pray I nip this in the bud before it gets any worse.

Yesterday, I kept coming to passages that told me that I don't need to fear this trial that has been put in front of me. Well, the passages were more along the lines of persecution for believing in Jesus Christ. But, to me, it came as more of a message that this is a trial that will be short lived and that in the end, all I have to fear is what can eventually destroy my soul.

To my friends who have put up with my constant fatigue and irritability, thank you so much. You have no idea how much your presence in my life is helping me through this time. I'm trying not to use this condition as an excuse to be a mega pain in the butt. So, if I get to be too much, a swift kick in the butt is more than welcome. Thank you for loving me.

15.9.10

When I feel that it's spinning out of control and that other things are taking over my life, that's when I need to let it go. Let Him take control. Like that Carry Underwood song... Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go. So, give me one more chance. Save me from this road I'm on.

You see, it's not that easy. Not for me, at least. I'm not one of those people who will trust fully in someone else. No matter who they are. Even if He is God. When I feel that something is taking up more and more time and that I have less time to be the me I'm used to being, I want to push that something away. To take control of the situation and set things on the path that I am choosing.

Someone once told me, 'Just receive His love. Let Him come first and all else will follow.' But, I find the more I put Him first, the less I feel like I'm being me. This may not be bad, necessarily. But, it's just something that I'm used to seeing or feeling. Change is supposed to be good, right?

So, maybe it's time to just let go and let God, so to speak. It seems to work for others! Why the heck shouldn't it work for me? I've kind of been trying to live like this for the past few weeks. I find that things come a little easier. It's easier for me to love the brother and not to judge. It's easier to take criticism like nothing more than a grain of salt. I find it's easier to say no when I'm really not feeling up to the challenge and believing that, in the end, things will be fine.