Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Gail From Corporate kicks ass and takes names and then burns the piece of paper that the names are written on. Gail From Corporate will explain that you are not doing the company a favor by letting them pay you. Gail From Corporate will fire your lazy butt without consulting the in-house management. Gail From Corporate does that thing where she uses two fingers to point at her eyes then point at you to let you know that she is watching you and you are likely going down.

Gail From Corporate is my alter-ego. No, she doesn't work here but she knows how it should be done and she will nail you.

Gail From Corporate came very close to announcing herself at the Urban Outfitters on Melrose last fall. Her plan was to fire the hungover, chipped black nail polish, China Rain drenched, “sales department.” She would toss them out of the store but not before explaining that customer service does not involve forcing a long line of customers to wait to pay while you finish a cell conversation about what a hooker Devon looked like at that thing last night.

Gail From Corporate was talked out of firing the serving staff at her favorite breakfast place but not before she bussed all of the dishes in her section and refilled waters and coffees. Gail From Corporate does not do side-work but will make a detailed note of sloppy ketchup marrying practices.

Gail From Corporate thought it best that the young women in the Lingerie Department at Macy’s be put on unpaid leave while attending a brassiere-fitting seminar. Topic number one of the four day seminar would focus on the importance of having a tape measure on hand for foundation fittings instead of relying on Sylvie to “eye-ball it.”

For some reason, my family and pets do not acknowledge Gail From Corporate’s authority. Gail From Corporate will need to commandeer your phone to make a call to the home office.

18 comments:

I needed Gail the other day when the insurance rep told me that there was no record of me in their system even though they had been auto deducting money from my account for the last year. Oh and I needed her again when some young punks decided it was ok to smoke pot in the park across the street where little kids were playing. I should get Gail's number.

Gail from corporate needed to stage an intervention that time I threw the armload of socks at a rude cashier in Marshalls. Gail would have handled it much more professionally and less hormonally. Where is Gail when I need her?

Dude. Gail from Corporate has no authority in my house either, despite her shrill tone and her pointy a-la-Smacksy eyebrows. Le sigh.

I needed her to sic her death rays on the assy lady who skipped ahead in line and gave her purchases to her friend at the front of the line, even though her friend was already finished paying, and then made a second transaction, to the horror of everyone else waiting patiently in line. Canadians are too polite sometimes.

I love Gail so freaking hard. I need her to show up more often. I'm less scared when she's around.

She really does the "these eyes are looking at your eyes" gesture? Because that's gonna get mocked by the workers at the bar on Friday. And why doesn't she have her own cell phone? I thought Gail had a Blackberry jaw jobby on at all times for quicker access to the COO. (I apologize; I clearly still have issues with authority figures, even when they are right.)

If only Gail from Corporate had been around Sunday night to catch the twerps who put a used condom in our mailbox. Thankfully, my husband got the mail Monday (first time in like 2 weeks that my daughters didn't go get it.) Bet she has cayenne pepper Trojans to teach these punks a lesson.