This situation will improve for some of you. Others will continue to wake up unemployed and deeper in debt for years to come.

I paid off my last student loan at the age of 35. I got lucky. That’s early.

Take my advice and expect the worse. That way, if life doesn’t consistently kick you in the face you will be pleased.

Just for the record, anticipate a lot of face-kicking.

3). Don’t Screw Things Up.

Just do what you are supposed to do. Mow your yard. Pay your bills (if you can find a job). Be polite. Volunteer once in a while. Don’t cheat on your taxes too much.

You will find yourself in the top 10% if you just pick up your trash and hold doors open for old ladies.

Don’t leave here thinking you are going to make the world a better place in the next 20 minutes.

We don’t need more saviors. We need solid citizens who don’t make things worse.

This sounds easy, but as you stumble through life look around and you’ll notice a lot of people who aren’t helping.

If you don’t believe me go to the mall and watch people walk by for 15 minutes and you will understand exactly what I’m saying.

4). Get Married or Shack Up.

I don’t care which one you do and I’m not here to judge. I don’t care about your personal life because I have problems of my own (she’s 11 going on 37).

But when you do hitch your wagon to someone else try and pick someone you like.

Don’t do it for money. Or looks. Or so his or her dad will give you that job that you desperately need.

Marry (or not) a person who will make you smile 70 years from now.

Life is short, but bad relationships are forever.

There is nothing worse than eating breakfast with someone you want to stab in the eye with a fork (or so I’m told).

5). Don’t Reproduce and Mate Smartly.

This is an important one.

If you are unemployed, in debt, immature, hung over, angry at your parents, wear sweat pants more than once a week, or dumb – please don’t think you have to bring children into this world.

They are lot of work. And expensive.

Once you have them, the government won’t let you give them away (learned this one the hard way).

Life is a marathon not a sprint. You don’t have to have children in your 20′s. Or at all.

Just because people ask you "When are you having kids?" doesn’t mean you have to do it. Most of the time they are just asking because they have children and want you to feel the pain and suffering they go through on a daily basis.

If you must reproduce, realize it is very likely you will be just as bad a parent as your mom and dad.

Think about this before you go to the bar and start hitting on another unemployed broke person.

Don’t create another human just so you can mess them up like your parents did you. That’s not fair.

To you. The child. Or the rest of us.

7. Your Parents.

They aren’t crying today because you are all grown up. They are crying tears of joy.

They are tired of paying for you. They want their house back. And their lives. They are tired of you tearing up their stuff.

They no longer find a 2:00 am phone call from you amusing. There is no such thing as a "minor" traffic accident when you are driving their car.

Look at them. They used to be young and vibrate, then you showed up. Now they are old and tired.

Tired of you. Tired of your laundry. Tired of your bills.

Sure, they will say you are welcome to move back home until you get on your feet, but what they really want is you out of their hair and at least 2 hours away.

They only have a few good years left. Don’t ruin it for them by mooching off them for the next decade.

Allowances are for kids. Not 25 year olds.

You will know life is winning if you are sleeping in the same bed you occupied when you were nine.

Also, adults don’t have posters on their bedroom walls.

8). Take Care of Your Health.

We are all day-to-day.

Life is short and soon you will be dead. This is one of those things people won’t tell you.

But I guarantee you, not one person in this room will make it out of life alive.

Wow, truer words were never spoken. My son is a graduate of TCHS class of 2008 and a soon to be graduate (10 days and counting) of ISU. I have said these things over and over and he’s starting to understand it. I wouldn’t necessarily say “expect the worst”, but just understand that at some point the worst may happen and be prepared. Thanks for putting it in print!

Oh my goodness! This made a great dinner conversation and my hubby and I could relate to each one!!! This was awesome! I think you left one thing out:
Print or save this speech in a safe place and pull this out when your children are graduating. You will be able to appreciate this so much more than right now!

Cynical. I understand being realistic and not dishing out the sappy happy talk one usually hears in commencement speeches, and you make some valid points, but the overall tone and content is more appropriate for the faculty room as a joke speech, delivered tongue-in-cheek for your staff’s amusement. I certainly hope you didn’t deliver this speech.

As the mother of 21 year old twin graduates, Amen! I have been teling them these things for the last 4 years. I think one is getting it, the other…..it may be a while longer. I will definitely be showing them your blog. For some reason kids always listen to someone else before their parents.

Change.Comment by: GD Scott"Change is a big deal. If a school has a School Development Plan (SDP) it will establish as part of this plan Development Goals 1, 2, 3 years out for various elements that describe the school’s..."

ContactComment by: Studer Education"I recently found your blog via Teach Thought and found it to align well with the principles we teach here at Studer Education. I am interested in doing a collaboration with you. At Studer Education,..."

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While this site operates with the knowledge and awareness of the Tuscola CUSD #301 School Board, Tuscola, Illinois, the content and opinions posted here may or may not represent their views personally or collectively, nor does it attempt to represent the official viewpoint of Tuscola CUSD #301 administrators or employees.