Aussie mum's digital domestic violence nightmare

A mother who was assaulted and psychologically abused by her ex-husband felt she would never be able to escape him as he continued to stalk and harass her over the phone and online long after their divorce.

Karen (who asked nine.com.au to change both names) said she endured horrific sexual, physical and mental abuse at the hands of her ex-husband and father of her three children Steve after meeting the high-flying businessman in Sydney and diving into a whirlwind romance in 2000.

She said Steve treated her like a queen – showering her with gifts and affection – until he had a ring on her finger, at which point she became "a possession".

He then moved the family to regional NSW where he was very involved in the community – volunteering to serve on various social committees – which earned him a social standing Karen said would make it almost impossible to reveal his true nature to outsiders.

Karen said he then took control of their lives, from the finances right down to house duties, slowing "grinding away" at her self-worth.

"I couldn't even make as much as a salad roll because I didn't stack it correctly," Karen told nine.com.au.

"Everything I did was picked apart, even the way I sat. I liken it to casting a fishing rod. You cast the line out, then pull it back in. He would make me feel great but then use intimidation to reign me back in."

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Karen said she would think about the "outgoing and independent" woman she was before she met him and harbour a secret shame that she was now "broken in like a horse".

Control in her everyday life soon turned to violence in the bedroom, and while she withstood "bites, burns and bruises", she reached breaking point after a vicious assault in 2011.

"He assaulted me with a rusty torch then a couple of months after that I had a nervous breakdown," she said.

"I have never felt clean since."

Karen was terrified. She said he would laugh in her face and regularly taunt her with threats of taking the their children, all under 12, assuring her no one would ever believe her stories if she told them the truth.

"His classic line was, 'I could destroy you without leaving a mark', but he did leave marks. It was just no one could see them.

"He came home one day and was laughing at me like normal but I just started rocking back and forth. He called a doctor and I was committed to a facility."

Karen was diagnosed with bipolar, which she claims Steve continually used against her in a bid to diminish her ability as a mother despite being deemed a mentally-fit parent.

"I was only there a very short period of time. I couldn't relax until I knew they (my kids) were safe. But when I came home I was so withdrawn," she said.

"It was just under 12 months after the [torch] assault that he up and left."

Karen did her best to facilitate a relationship between Steve and their three children until he "got in her face" during a verbal altercation and their nine-year-old son stood defiantly between them.

"My brave little boy … said, ‘Leave my mummy alone'. Then he really copped it. Steve wouldn't hit him but he got in his face and terrorised him. He is 6'4"."

She had no choice but to call the police.

"When the police came the kids were terrified. He used to hurt me but never punch me so when he raised his arm that night I knew things were escalating."

Steve tried to blame Karen's mental illness, but she said her kids told the police: "Mummy’s been great since Daddy has been gone."

The police escorted Steve away.

"His eyes were nearly black; I was terrified of what was going to come next," she said.

The mother-of-three had become one of the 25 percent of all Australian women who experience physical or sexual violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

But she had no idea that look of animosity was a pre-cursor to the years he would spend using technology to continue taunting, harassing and stalking her.

Steve monitored Karen's private Facebook messages without her knowledge or consent after stealing her laptop from the family home.

He sent Karen harassing texts late at night and stalked her through online groups that discussed their children's sporting timetables.

"I had to change my phone number. The only way I could get peace of mind and escape this monster was get a new number."

But he found her new number through a local newsletter and started showing up unannounced at her son’s games to verbally abuse her with his new partner.

Karen was forced to leave the family home – but at the new residence started receiving suspicious letters from an out-of-town address claiming to be a local who wanted her to stop denigrating her ex as he was a "top bloke".

"The police said it was just kids being silly but it is my ex-husband's sadistic way of letting me know he still has tabs on us, that he is inescapable."

Research shows the instance of "technology-facilitated stalking and abuse" – referred to as "digital domestic violence" – is on the rise around the world.

A Melbourne-based study, Safe Smart, found that 98 percent of domestic violence workers stated their clients had been abused, threatened, monitored, humiliated or punished by intimate partners through technology.

Others reported an alarming number of clients who had been unknowingly tracked by GPS or through their bank account transactions.

One victim reported being traced by her credit card transactions after using an ATM and making a purchase at Kmart. Her "jealous" partner then advised her by text that he "knew exactly where she was at all times."

Hadeel Al-Alosi, lawyer and law lecturer at University of Western Sydney, said research shows cyber stalking can leave victims vulnerable to further assaults.

"Digital domestic violence can happen throughout a relationship but often becomes more vengeful or spiteful afterward and is about holding on to that element of control," she told Nine.com.au.

"Cyberstalking also increases the risk of physical contact after a break up."

At Australia’s first domestic violence Technology Safety Summit last year, it was revealed abusers use phone or PC based spyware, joint family internet or phone accounts, Opal cards and even microchips concealed in children’s toys or games to track their victims, 9Honey reported.

Nearly half of all respondents to SafeSmart reported perpetrators threatened to distribute intimate photographs of their ex, often as a way to prevent them from leaving or taking out an Apprehended Violence Order.

This revenge porn is far more common in Australia than experts and lawmakers first thought.

A recent survey of almost 4300 Aussies aged 16 to 49 indicated more than one in five were victims of image-based abuse, which made them twice as likely to feel psychological distress.

Dr Al-Alosi said the act of having your digital life infiltrated - whether it be on social media, through mobile phones or GPS tracking - can leave the victim feeling "vulnerable at every turn".

"With physical abuse you have scars to show. There are no visible scars with emotional abuse and the trauma that comes from being monitored, which means that the harm caused by digital abuse is often undermined,” she said.

After the court issued orders to restrict Steve's abuse, Karen said she felt he would always be a "smoky cloud" lingering in her mind, making her feel - like many victims of digital domestic violence - she could "never escape".

"The bothering, the badgering, harassment and control is for life – it is not just while you're with them," she said.

"We were divorced in 2014 but I have never been free. You never know when that time bomb will go off. Especially when you have something he feels entitled to, like our children."

Karen said after three years of "intimidation, threats and nastiness", the court proceedings with Steve about the future of their finances and custody of their three children ended.

She said Steve "shot himself in the foot" by trying to drag their children into the dispute. They refused to see their father and a child psychologist delivered a "damning 58-page report" on the damaging effect he had on their wellbeing.

Steve – who was also being fed information about Karen's whereabouts from a local parent - admitted he had shown up to twice as many sporting events than Karen believed, lurking in the background without her knowing.

Karen said being in the dark about when he was watching gave her a sickly feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Court orders are great, but when you're with a man who tells you he is above the law, it feels like they won't listen. A piece of paper isn't enough."

Karen said she had been reluctant in the past to put anything on social media out of fear it could give Steve a way to get back into their lives.

But she has started to feel less vulnerable after networking and sharing poetry with other survivors of domestic violence online.

"I decided I am not going to stay in hiding, I don't have to be afraid to share pictures of my kids with their family so they can see and be proud of them too."

While Karen has felt comfortable living in the digital sphere, many others have been forced into hiding.

SafeSmart recommended police reconsider their responses to complaints of digital harassment, while Dr Al-Alosi said website hosts could do more to remove damaging content when reported.

Often those who reported cyberstalking, online abuse or unlawful surveillance claimed they weren’t taken seriously or told they should limit their online activity, Safe Smart stated.

Dr Al-Alosi said greater responsibility needs to be placed on perpetrators to stop their behaviour rather than force victims out of a digital platform that many find vital support services through.

She suggested strengthening legislation around unlawful surveillance and online-stalking, and ensuring judges make it clear digital domestic violence is considered a breach of an AVO to help victims feel more comfortable seeking help when the abuse becomes unbearable.

Karen said the trauma of her marriage, and the years of digital domestic violence that followed her still causes her a considerable amount of angst.

But even in the darkest of times, she thought of her children who inspired her to transition from a victim to a survivor.

"Despite everything I have been through, I still have my spirit and soft heart. I have focused on being the best version of myself for my children and have raised some of the most phenomenal men I have ever had the pleasure of encountering."