Living your best life - Time for a Trial Separation

The last post I had a couple of months ago was how we were on the course for improvement. Husband had finally started meds and was taking them daily - moving over to Vyvanse that seemed to do the trick and we were able to navigate a tricky sale of our condo, pack up, move, I started a new job, he crashed the car/we bought a new one, and ALL of that without a major disagreement or me ending up in tears due to him getting angry/frustrated/irritable with me.

I can tell pretty immediately if he doesn't take his meds. He is more prone to ignore me, stonewall, get frustrated, twist my words around and be unreasonable with me or our children. It has left me a bit of a mental head case and I would equate it to living with an alcoholic that is perfectly fine sober (i.e. taking meds) and then gets drunk and blows up at me (i.e. not on meds). I have my own therapist and he has his own.

His adhd manifests itself pretty much as criticism, irritability, defensiveness, stonewalling - basically the four horsemen of the apocalypse from the Gottman Institute which is a 90% predictor of divorce. I'm so. . . tired of it all and I'm all out of love for him.

I've tried to explain that I've noticed a significant improvement with him taking meds, and I try to demonstrate how appreciative I am of the efforts, etc. I also have tried to have conversations with him about noticing the difference in a med day/versus not a med day. He claims he takes them everyday and when he gets angry with me it isn't all about his adhd. It's just me.

Having him on consistent meds and me not changing much of my behaviour really has me realizing that I'm not at fault here (like he always says I'm at fault and I make him irritable/angry/etc). I do love him, particularly when he is the man I know he is deep down, but I feel like a dog that loves his master and when he's kind to me it's great, and then one day - bam- the dog just gets kicked in the face. I feel like if I had any self-respect, I'd leave.

I'm going to request a trial separation. I know he's going to blame it all on me. But, I don't see another way out. I need to live my own life, not one dependent on him decided to take his meds.

I'm also getting pretty sick of his therapist (our old joint therapist) that thinks we can just solve this by having better communication techniques.

Anyone have any tips on navigating a trial separation with an adhd spouse so in denial and that blames everything on you?

Comments

Your H is right about his anger not being just about his ADD. BUT it has NOTHING to do with you. My H is the same way. You do not MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY. The problem is his immaturity.I am currently separated after 45 years. Our situation "grew" me up these last several years so I do not hold him responsible for my part in all this.Hid ADD diagnosis explained a lot and I thought "no problem" we will work this out together. But that was not his response. I realized a couple years later that he had another "problem" and my entire marriage, for the first time, made sense to me. My H CANNOT handle emotions..... He is stuck at his childhood level of growth where emotions are concerned......he learned to stuff them....

Couple that with ADD and you have a hornets nest.

I simply told him one day....."since I seem to be such a problem to you I have decided to remove myself from this marriage. I have no say what so ever in your life......and you will have none in mine".

We get along fairly well now. No conversations about life happening in the marriage. He comes and goes as he likes, spends as he wishes.....a happy little camper. He thinks we are going to get back together.....because we "don't fight". Yea.....that's what marriage is all about....oiy.

By the way, my H is really a kind person. Hard worker and well liked. He truly is a nice guy.

I so identify with your comment about the dog. Stepping way from my H was the best thing for me. I wasted years trying to save a marriage......when the other party involved could not see a problem.....

We separated for 11 months 5 years ago....We had been married for 5 at the time....Good and Bad....As much as a person's pride and emotions can be damaged during a separation...In some cases (ours was one), there is so much anger, and bitterness built up...It can be a blessing to step away....(***Hard to work through it, while in it ***) Getting out of the situation helped me find peace again, (move past my anger and bitterness...That took about six months of praying, and reading good things, listening to good things and marriage counseling....The last 4 months are so, I was able to think clearly again and was able to come to terms with what had to be done boundary wise for us to ever live together again, and have a chance....We had to put in place boundaries to protect us both from the effects of the intrusiveness that her add, our different personalities and our different priorities was causing....And I did, but, boundaries are discipline and respect based....Both parties must agree, and do the work in regards to respecting them..There has to be accountability...

His therapist is right about communication...Most of the problems in our marriage is about communication...But the reason there is very little "Good" communication in our marriage, and I bet it's the same with many here....Is because of a few things....One; most communication attempts happen when one or both are suffering w/ high emotion....That is instant failure!....Respect goes right out the window in these moments....Then the interruptions just lead to louder and more stressful speaking....

Another thing is add/adhd....The limitations in following and retaining thoughts long enough to speak them when it's your turn to talk is hard....When you are your spouse just approach's the other and begins speaking AT THEM on the spot, it's never good....I'm was terrible about this (making some progress this past year) ....I will allow her disinterest and laziness when it comes to healthy engagement effect me emotionally and then I go find her (which is easy, in the guest room watching TV, or facebook) and point it out...NOT GOOD!.....When the reality of it is, her desire to watch TV, and play on her phone is just much stronger in her, than her desire to interact on a personal or intimate level with me...So when I face that and accept it....I do better about busying myself with other things....

One thing the counselor asked us about our separation was...Were we going to have a set day to meet each week to take care of each other sexually?....She blurted out Yes at first, I didn't think that would work, because I was so mad about the separation....I couldn't see myself being in this situation to begin with as hard as I had worked to take care of us...I was messed up w/ anger and bitterness, because of her disinterest in our marriage....

So 11 months w/ no sex....She was about 51 when we moved back in together and I was 55....I was fine sexually, but, her vagina suffered....(thinning walls, semen has burned her ever since, lose of sensitivity, dryness etc...)...Ever since she moved back, she has had to use Replens regularly, and a high grade virgin coconut oil for a lubricate....She went through the change of life at 45 (Chemo. induced from breast C.) So she isn't a candidate for estrogen creams...So that is just one more thing that is difficult...So if I had it to do over, I would have probably agreed to meet at least weekly for sex...(As long as I felt like she was working on herself) Which she didn't...lol....It was just to easy to blame me.....

I've loved your posts and your perspectives...I am sorry it has come to this, hopefully it will be for the best in the long run...It was for us....The blame must die and both spouses must deal w/ their own issues in order to have a chance....

It's just so much better to set down at the table (not at bed time or in the bed room) and talk kindly to one another about our feelings....I know it takes discipline, and bit of time, but our marriages are worth it.....I'm going to start practicing what I preach....Some times it's easy to put words in our spouse mouth...Because we want to believe we can share in many things in life...But, we must face the reality of what each person believes about certain subjects....Respect that and not try to engage in those things we fill so differently about....