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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” Now, I don’t know who came up with that quote, but I’m guessing it’s from the Bible, and if it’s not, it fucking should be. Bros never limit themselves to “after dinner drinks,” or cocktail parties where people sip on Martinis and talk about the weather. Bros realize that drinking only at night is for fucking amateurs. It’s our ability to drink during the day that separates us as genetically superior life forms. As bros rise on weekend mornings, we don’t think about what type of yard work needs to be done or have some fucking long ass list of errands that we need to run. Instead we stand outside, take a whiff of that Summer air, and say to ourselves, “That shit smells good, but it would smell even better if I was fucking wasted.” Bros love Daytime Drinking.
This Summer’s been amazing. Whether it’s been at the pool, US Open, tubing down the Shenandoah River or the Beach, I’ve been out in the Sun all day enjoying the weather. But you know what I’ve enjoyed even more? That’s right, that I was fucking wasted the entire time. Honestly, have you ever spent over an hour at the pool or beach sober? It’s fucking boring as shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do other than eye fuck the hot girls sun tanning? Read? Fuck no, I’m trying to decrease my boredom, besides reading’s for fucking nerds. Alcohol’s like bacon – add that shit to anything and it’s immediately a-fucking hundred times better. Here’s a few reasons why Daytime Drinking is the shit.

Outdoor Games – For every game you can’t really play wasted, like full court basketball, there’s a shitload designed specifically for Daytime Drinking. Sure there’s staples like #6 Beer Pong and Cornhole, but that’s child’s play compared to some of the more hardcore outdoor drinking games. Take dizzy bat, where you chug beer from a wiffle ball bat then spin around multiple times before you have hit a wiffle ball. And if you miss that shit, you’d best get to fucking spinning again. Nothing like a competition designed just fucking daring your bros to #48 throw up like a bitch.

The Marathon – Why doesn’t everyone drink all day? When polled the public’s most frequent response is, “Because I’ll pass out before it’s time to go out.” Bros don’t have that problem. In fact, the longer we drink, the fucking better. Being able to begin a story about banging some slam piece you picked up with, “So I had been drinking for something like 14 hours already, and…” is fucking amazing. Drinking enough to kill a medium sized jungle animal and still laying pipe shows just how dedicated you are to the war on Brocism.

Doesn’t Make You an #124 Alcoholic – We’ve all gotten that look from Bro-Haters as we stumble down the street wasted at 3pm after trying to buy more beer and getting rejected because we’ve “had enough already.” They shake their heads as if they’re sorry for us or some shit. Fucking please – what the fuck did they have to do during the day that they couldn’t be wasted? Go for a bike ride? Oh yeah, it’s so good to be in shape!! Shape? I’m sorry, I don’t know how often you ride that bike, but you better step that shit up because it sure doesn’t look like that fucking cellulite’s going away. What else is fun about the daytime? Morning sex? That’s about it. And you’re usually still drunk from the night before anyways. I mean, c'mon, it’s not like we’re holed up in some dark bar with a bunch of old men talking about how much money we owe our ex-wives or some shit – we’re out living life to the fucking fullest.

Bros don’t go by society’s established norms. We are who we are. We bang girls when we don’t even know their last names. We make fun of them if they’re fat. Oh, and we #24 don’t use condoms. But above all else, we fucking love to drink. Unlike the rest of society, we’re not trapped by the unwritten code of “drinking ONLY after dark.” Fuck that – anytime you see the sun up, you can be sure somewhere there’s a bro doing his best to #142 black that shit out.

I love the look on bro-haters faces when they pass by my house on a Wednesday afternoon during the school year and my bros and I are wasted on our porch. I have also successfully not scheduled a Friday class,; so I can wake up bright and early still wasted and go pick up kegs of fratty-light so my bros and I can get the 'weekend' started off right.

The business school at my university is bro as shit. There are no classes on Fridays, and so every Friday afternoon we chip away at our trust funds on lunches at a five star restaurant and their 25 cent martinis. True business students know that at least one weekday needs to be set aside for some serious day drinking.

This is the most perfect definition of my summer. If I was a guy I would most definitely be a bro but at least I can say I hang out with a great group of bros and will continue to be wasted all day every day for the rest of the summer and probably the upcoming year.

Bros - beer die is big at schools in Mass. Also, whoever said checking your phone to see its 3:30 is not a bro. Bros have sick watches that show off how rich we are, and therefore better than everyone else.