A great WordPress.com site

Learning from your Parents’ Mistakes

When my parents split up, my dad made so many mistakes. For a start, he lied to me and my sister. He told us he was going away, but he said it was work-related and he’d be gone for about 6 months, leaving my mum to tell us the truth after he’d gone.

When he went, he moved about 30 miles away. That probably doesn’t seem like a big deal now, but in 1973 the world was a lot different. Forget mobile phones, for some people even a landline was a luxury. My dad obviously thought so, and for the first couple of years we couldn’t contact him. We were reliant on him getting in touch with us.

After he first left, it was ages before we saw him again. I thought it was several weeks, but during a heart-to-heart we had a few years ago, he told me it was more like several months. Either way, that gap didn’t help us feel better about ourselves.

He moved to a run-down 1 bedroom flat. When we eventually got into a routine of visiting him, the sleeping arrangements were far from ideal – especially as I have three sisters. It was pretty standard to be sleeping on a sofa or even on two armchairs pushed together.

Those visits aside, his presence in our lives was limited. No school parents evenings, or sports days, or anything like that.

Even so, I never resented him. He was my dad and I loved him. But I learnt.

At least, I thought I did.

Fast forward thirty-four years and I make a decision I never ever wanted to. I decide I’m going to have to break up my own family. But I decide I’m going to do things the “right” way.

So I talked to my children about it. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t remotely pleasant, and I felt like the biggest shit in the world. But I told the truth.

In the first couple of months after I moved out, I had no permanent home and was sometimes stopping fifty miles away. But I still called in to see the children most days. I wanted them to know I was still around.

And the children helped me pick a new house. We even agreed on who was going to have which bedroom – which is a lot easier when you’ve only got two children. Just as importantly, I made sure the house was close by. They could walk to it if they wanted to. And I was happy to let them come and go as they pleased, because I wanted it to feel like home.

Their mum and I talk as well. It was important to us both that we should maintain a relationship. After all, other differences aside, we have a link that will last us a lifetime: two children that we both love very much and want the very best for. And it makes a difference if you’re both going to be there to support them in their schooling and whatever else they need help with.

I did everything “right”. And yet, in spite of that, things haven’t gone smoothly. At times, I have seen them so rarely their appearance had actually changed when I next saw them. My son gained several inches in height during one interval. There have been times when I can see that, even with the restrictions my dad imposed, I still had more time with him than they had with me.

So it made me think. Our past experiences inform us and guide us on what we should do for the best. The reality is that, as parents, no matter how hard we try, we’ll get some of it wrong – regardless of whether we live together or not. Unfortunately, it will be some time down the line before you find out which bits were wrong.

Looking back, I realise that my relationship with my dad was brilliant. We were always close, and became more so as we grew older. He died a couple of years ago, but we made the most of our time together, and I’m grateful for that.

All the same, I thought I’d learnt from his mistakes, and done things “the right way”. But I can see now that, in the long run, it isn’t just your actions that matter. It’s the love you show when you’ve got the chance that makes the difference.