Jest Awful

Original DR “Humor”

DIOProudly Announces Establishment
of Meticulous Quality-Control on Its Jokes

[They're ALL Bad]

Four samples should suffice as demonstration:
[1] Question: Why can't you kill a lawyer?
Answer: What do you hammer the stake through?
[2] Question: What's the difference between
a believer in god
and a believer in Santa Claus?
Answer: One is 365 times
crazier
than the other.
[3] C.Bernsen on pal T.Berenger (Entertainment Tonight 1990/5/11}:
“He's a wonderful actor. And there's no pretense about him.”
Hey, didn't Reagan already pull that one on us for 8 years?
(And Shakespeare for 450 years?)
[4] One of the more atypical Polish jokes circulated
underground for decades, until 2005:Question:
What do you call a Polish person living in a 1000-room mansion?
Answer: Your Holiness.
DR has appended his own
pregnant-contrast
followup question:
What do you call 1000 people living in one room?
Answer: His Holiness' birth-control pupils.
(DIO 4.2 [1994]
p.81.)

Lowerarchical High:
Dennis Rawlins' pathetic attempts at humor,
which occasionally but uncontrollably infect
DIOs, usually in its
ghastlyScrawlins department,
are so alien to decent humanity (anti-seraphically hogging
the absolute-zero low of the hierarchy thereof)
that, when distributing DIO copies, he has actually been known
to provide auxiliary barf-bags, mercifully labelled
“For Use in Case of Scrawlins”.

Perhaps the simplest way to impart the level
of “humor” in every Scrawlins is to quote
one of horrid little things' typically idiotic preface
(DIO 8 [1998]
p.46):

How You Too Can Write a Scrawlins

You know, I can hardly walk down the street anymore
without being pestered by fans who come up,
deliberately fall in my path, grasp piteously at the hem of my garment,
and beg me to explain: how-do-you-do-it?
— tell us, how do you put together a Scrawlins?

Waaaal, m'boy, it's all in the wrists — oh, sorry, wrong sport.
Awright, soooo — you want to know how to do a Scrawlins?
OK, I have this big computer wastebasket, see,
which I toss junk-whims into. And it's so crammed
with what any sane observer'd agree is oaffal offal,
that only a whiff of a wisp of it could have any worth.
Now we come to the hard part: as a (nonexistent) DIO
deadline approaches, I slosh, sift, swim, and finally snorkel
through this slagheap, with gnashing eye and eagle tooth.
The process crescendos in a blurry tornado of
workworkworkworkworkworkworkwork, as I carry all before me, with
the hefty bombmentum of a RUNAWAY RHINO
— yet with butterfly-delicate discrimination —
braving the turbid ASCII-cesspool boiling all about me.
Yea, at the last, I have deftly gleaned in triumph
every single one of this infernal stew's rare coherent morsels.

Note that there's plenty
of ghastly DR “humor”
(lurking and ready to pounce) throughout the purportedly serious documents
on this website, joshing a
vast variety
of such inherently comic
and-or spoofable-by-analogy educational subjects as:

Now, on to the horrors selected (hell only knows how)
for presentation here:

When Orson Welles pulled his 1938/10/30 invasion-from-Mars hoax, a terrified
1/6 of the US public found it credible that Martians had deliberately
moved to New Jersey. When Russia genuinely took the first photograph
of the Moon's backside, 1/6 of the US public deemed it a fraud.
At the lowpoint of Nixon's Watergate disgrace, even after the tapes of
his self-buggery were exposed,
1/6 of the US public still believed in him.
Question: Are these the same people?
(DIO 2.1 [1992]
‡1 §A1 [p.3].)

No Apologies to Bud&Miller&Schlitz&etc.
OK, OK — But Can MadAve WALK ON the Stuff?:
What's so supernatural about water→wine-conjurer Jesus
convincing people that water was alcohol?
Hell, ads for the US' homeopathic idea of “beer”
have been pulling that trick for decades.
[The 1st known exposure of Jesus as just a magician-conjurer
was by Giordano Bruno. His charge did not go without answer!
He was burned at the stake in Rome in 1600. Specifically for this crime, avers
the 1913 Catholic Encyclopedia article on Bruno, anxious to divert from
the suspicion that it was heliocentric astronomy that lit his pyre.]

Fox's Five were asked on 2018 Thankgiving: if you were a float
in todays' Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, what character would you be?
DR answer: the Invisible Man.

Entertainment-films' idea of doing history
is notorious for shall-we-say “surpassing” mere reality.
But there are excesses that cross the line into comical perversity:
[1] When choosing an actor to play leftie-batting leftie-throwing
Lou Gehrig in the 1941 bio, Cried in the Hankees,
Hollywood picked rightie-batting right-throwing Gary Cooper.
For playing leftie-batting leftie-throwing Babe Ruth in 1948's
Babe Ruth Story, the star was rightie-batting right-throwing Wm.Bendix.
OK, you point out that it's hard to find lefties among the general citizenry.
Fine, so why, when it was time to choose an actor for 1957's
Fear Strikes Out, the bio of rightie-batting right-throwing
Jimmy Piersall, who's the natural choice? Leftie-batting leftie-throwing Tony
Psycho Perkins. Was this all part of some secret industry joke?
[2] For the 1984 film version of the Fletcher Christian 1789
Bounty mutiny, WASPish-looking women were chosen as
the-Fletcher's love interest and for the film both went as topless
as a Polynesian native. But, for the Brando 1962 version,
the fem-lead was pure native, who didn't. So filmdom has the Polynesian star
acting non-natively demur, esp for 1789, while the normally-modest WASPies
go native. Hey, didn't the intro to this item warn of perversity?

Serious Toplessness:
It's fun to ask folks whether they know all four
of the Flashin'-Fashion Foursome —
the quartet of usually-elegantly-overattired First Ladies
who in recent decades opted to peel 'em off and go topless in public:
Jackie, Carla, Kate, Melania.
Then, once you've got your listeners' minds in the gutter,
you can ask: name the SERIOUS true pioneers of the toplessness-art —
the four queens from centuries past that went topless in public.
If your victims don't get it, then clue 'em with event-dates: 1536, 1542,
1587, 1793. If that doesn't work, then reel-off the respective decapitees:
Anne Boleyn, Catherine Howard, Mary Queen of Scots, Marie Antoinette.

Barbara Rawlins is outraged at all those Hillary-skeptics
whose irrational hatred actually leads them to suspect that she chose
a private email server for sneaky stuff, and is secretly making deals
in return for the millions she's getting from her Wall Street owners.
After all, every rally for Hilla the Hun (B.J.Clinton's private name for her)
is studded with signs, banners, T-shirts, placards --- all openly telegraphing
passionate dedication to her Wall Street puppeteers:

``FIGHTING FOR YOU''.

After Tsar Nicholas 2 abdicated in 1917, he complained that what he most
missed was: shooting.
Upon hearing of this pathetic deprivation, Barbara Rawlins commented:
so, in 1918, didn't the Bolshies give him just what he wanted?

What's the difference between FDR and GWB-aka-Shrubya?
FDR was crippled below the neck.

What's the difference between our two best
acting clinics,
Congress & prison?
Good acting gets you into one — and out of the other.
(DIO 2.3 [1992]
p.91.)

What's worse than a premature ejaculator? A premature ejacuearlier.

Whenever asked to imbibe alcohol, Dracula — with his rather limited diet
— would excuse himself by saying he never drank. Wine.
In response to an equestrian offer, did tomcat JFK
— his physical activity partially curtailed by a bad back —
ever wink and make a parallel comment? “I never ride. Horses.”

Redundant Redundance:What's the difference
between a crooked lawyer and a crooked politician?
One you pay to
lie to others,
and the other you pay to lie to you. (See
DIO 8 [1998]
p.51 n.20 [p.51], which adds an even-worse genetic joke.)
Further DR-on-lawyers: elsewhere here,
also Astronomy 1981 Sept.
[Most of us have heard the oldie: How do you know a lawyer is lying?See if his lips are moving.
Another traditional one: what's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller. And the other is a fish. See also at
DIO 4.2 [1994]
‡9 §D2 [p.78].]

Question: You don't play a musical instrument, do you?
Answer: Sure I do. Phonograph.

Question: What's your sign?
Answer: No Smoking.

Question: What do you do?
Answer: Well.

Greeting: Nice hat!
Response: The rest of me is better.

The difference between DR and AAS-Hysterical Astronomy Division politicians:
one kicks what the other kisses.

Re-Writes:
Film-Titles:
Nutcase Frances Farmer 1982 cinebio Frances →
Funny Farmer.
Tom Hanks as fumbling feebee detective in the 2002 film
Catch Me If You Can → Forrest-Gumpshoe.
Underfed negligeed Naomi Watts' 2005 King Kong →
Undiana Bones.
Hitchcock's Psycho → Normy&Mummy.
Lou Gehrig 1942 bio Pride of the Yankees → Cried
in the Hankies.
Child-actor Macaulay Culkin's family lent him out to Michael Jackson's bed,
earning him top billing in the 1990 film Home Alone.
Or should it be: Homo Loan?Jurassic World 2015 features flying reptiles lunchmunching touristas,
the ladies frantically running for their lives IN SPIKES (even in mud!) →
DinersSoaring aka Meals on Heels.
Errol Flynn's 1941 comedy-of-extreme-unhistoricity-They Died With Their Boots On →
They Died With Their Boots On — Though … Not for Long.
Howard Hughes' micro-fussedover 1951 beefcake-brawnanza
His Kind of Woman → Hughes' Kind of Men.
Kate Winslet's Titanic → Titanic. [See
DIO 8 [1998]
‡5 §P7 [p.61].]
The Cormanesque Philippine-set bazookas&bazoomas-set-in-ladiesjail quickie
takeoff (on Tony Curtis&Sidney Poitier's The Defiant Ones), where
two chained-together nubile escapees don convent garb between bloodlettings,
Black Mama White Mama → The Defiant Nuns.
The 3rd Bond film, where easy Shirley Eaton dies of
a totally-gold-paintjob by totally-meticulous lucky OddJob,
after capping a 1-nighter with Bond James Bond,
Goldfinger→ Gilty As Sin (Barbara Rawlins).
Merging puzzlemaster Kalaf's standard heft and Frank Gorshin's
giggly stock-sass-line for the fledermausian Caped Crusader,
retitling Puccini's ultimate masterpiece is too easy:
Turandot → Riddle Me This, Fatman.Othello → Does Hanky Prove Panky?[For the ultimate Othello performance of all time, miss not
Derek McGrath's intense 1983 realization in Cheers Season 2
Episode 4: “Homicidal Ham”.]Scarlet Pimpernel → The Gentler Abe Lincoln.
(Raymond Massey was the towering, sneering, bloodthirsty Frenchie villain of
1934's Scarlet Pimpernel and played equally tall iconic hero Lincoln in
1940's Abe Lincoln in Illinois.
But —but shouldn't someone remind everybody
that enormous Abe killed way more people than the entire
French Revolution's Terror? See
DIO 4.2 [1994]
‡8 n.23 [p.76] vs
DIO 16 [2009]
‡4 §B3 [p.41].)[Lightening up and not neglecting fans of the reeeeeally
subdwarf-low end of nonsense-black ``humor'': if Abe had been shorter,
could Booth have missed?]
Slogans:
Re-write to encourage tempering present over-flood of kids born
into fatherless, moneyless, semi-literate, druggy, crime-zone environs,
“We Shall Overcome”→“We Shall Undercome”
Latest candidate for re-write is the newer Civil-Rights slogan
which is shocking in its unthinking-insensitivity
to the most deserving race in the history of the world,
and thus in need of immediate re-write:
“Black Lives Matter”→“Af-ri-can-Am-er-i-can Lives Matter”
Hey, let's show some RESPECT here!

Chicago Cub History: Just Goating or Just Kidding?
Think it's easy being the 2003 Chicago guy who deflected the baseball
which (like that 1945 whipping-goat) is blamed for maybe
costing the once-feckless Cubs a World Championship? Well —
let's put it this way: Salman Rushdie refused to trade places….

Two Circles:
[1] Women love shopping.
Shopping so they can buy fash threads.
To look in-fashion when they're doing what they do,
during most of the time they're wearing fash-threads.
Namely: shopping.
[2] Skeptics poke fun at fundie-religion toob-ministers since each spends
alot of time asking his old-doll audience to send money, in order to keep
him on the air — so he can ask for more money….
But why don't skeptics also ask why the same TV-preachers can't stop begging
for them&theirs to be smacked in the face with a cheese-pie
quiche-Lorraine?
Typical prayer: “god loves YEEOU and he is bount-ee-ful and saves all.
Oh, ans-wer our pray-er — oh, CHEESE-us.”

DR's advice
for solar eclipses and transits of Mercury & (2012/6/5-6) Venus:
Never stare at the Sun — all you'll see is a doctor.

TV stations used to sign off in the A.M. after playing the national anthem.
Not any more. Most stations switch to infomercials instead.
TV abhors a vacuum. Excepting the attentive skulls it's nourished by.

Who coined the phrase, “Jesus is coming”?
Mary Magdelene?

In 1980, in the state of Washington, dozens of
simmering-volcano Mount St.Hell
neighbors blithely ignored scientists' warnings
and so were soon lavingly roasted.
Monday-morning-quarterbacking suggestion:
could the dolts have been IQ-jumpstarted by bullhorn-replays of Belushi's
food-fight casus-belli-alert in Animal House?
“I'm a ZIT! — GET it?”

Pure Bull:
Dennis Rawlins on astrology:
“astrology
was evidently born in Mesopotamia …
doubtless under the sign of Taurus.…
If astronomy is the oldest science and prostitution the oldest profession,
then surely the prostitution of astronomy must be honored with
a unique niche in the chrono-superlative book of records.”
(Queen's Quarterly 91.4 p.969 [1984].)

Question: What do you call the following threesome:
a regular hexahedron, JFK's least fave
Western Hemisphere nation, and a 1920s-fash painter?
Answer: Cube, Cuber, Cubist.

On 2005/4/4, TV 'snews gave numbing promo-coverage from VatCity
as the world's late top superstition-promoter's bod was

Fur Out:
The only fur our friends wear is
their cellphones' Beethoven-ring: Für Elise.
[Think that's bad? How about:
the sole unique service that real fur ever brought to humanity
was at the 2005 GOP inaugural ostentivities
— when the fur coats were the only non-fake part of the show.]

Standing Up for the Little-I:
If you had an anti-abortion-fanatic's brain,
you too might hysterically oppose the killing of microscopic life.[Further on idealistic
foetus-hugger cults
and their cynical
exploiters:DIO 4.3 [1994]
‡13 §C4, n.16, & §E [p.115-117];
DIO 8 [1998]
‡5 §§E2&7 [p.47].]

Level Playing Field = Nastia.

The 1974 transition from I'm-not-a-crook Dick Nixon to pratfalling Gerry Ford:
the Presidency went from a standing joke to a non-standing joke.(See
DIO 11.3 [2002]
‡6 n.9 [p.71].)

Hips-Vs-Lips: Hey, a Pound Is a Pound:
Marie Osmond keeps earnestly TV-advertising that
Nutrisystem ripped 50 Lbs off her hips —
omitting to note that implants added 49 Lbs to her lips.

Spielberg is PC. So why didn't his 2005 film
War of the Worlds refer to the incoming Martians as:
“undocumenteds”? —
just
seeking a better life….

Unlike Europe (with its ubiquitous filthy newsrags & TV),
the US establishment thankgod stoutly mans the video barricades,
to keep images of topless women away from the sight of the very young.
Europe isn't advanced enough to understand one of
US puritanism's
most epochal discoveries:

Breasts were not created for infants.

How can you spell ``water'' with only 4 letters? Answer: Lite.

JFK
is best remembered for forceful public speeches,
e.g., at the Berlin Wall: “Ich bin ein Berliner.”
Well, just as Europe reserves the name “Amerikaner”
for the grossest, most glutton-seeking ice-cream cone known to manperson,
so the fattest jelly doughnut is called “Berliner” in Germany.
(We thank Cönnie Goessman for this bit of foreign intelligence.)
So numerous Germans wondered at the time why the US press went wild with
apocalyptic fervor when its President chose to announce to the world:
“I am a jelly doughnut.” Musing on this while our families were
walking in Baltimore's inner harbor (1994/7/23), a friend (who has the
unDIOesque decency to prefer anonymity)
… noted
that if the symbolically-divided city of Germany had been different,
the saying might have been: “Ich bin ein Frankfurter.”
With a more northern German city in mind, I responded
by suggesting that a worst-possible-taste black-humor photo-caption for
the fatal shot in Dallas could be: “Ich bin ein Hamburger.”
(DIO 4.2 [1994]
‡8 n.3 [p.72].)

DR visits Europe every year and learns a few more German words.
At his present pace, in 300 years,
he'll have the vocabulary of an 8 year-old German.

Years ago (c.1980), DR was involved in a public debate with a prominent
Creationist
— one of whose surprise tactics was his denial of
the existence of vestiges (e.g., the human tailbone). So I asked him:
“what about the male nipple?” Which drew no coherent response.
When I mentioned this incident later to a very bright friend,
he responded: “And the female brain.”
[This, in the presence of both our extremely intelligent wives,
who seemed to take it in the intended jocular spirit.
The genius-creator of this barb prefers anonymity,
in a politically-correct age.]
So now, whenever I get pseudo-sexist with my wife,
I just tell her not to worry her pretty little vestige.…
And she, in the same vein, says that
if our friend really means there are differences
between the male & female mind, she'll scratch his eyes out.
(From
DIO 4.2 [1994]
‡9 §K2 [p.82].)

The Howdy-Doody Syndrome?
On 2003 November 19, it was sad to hear that, during a public event,
Egypt's US-State-Dep't-beloved ruler Mubarek
suddenly had difficulty standing.
Tangled strings?

Our great White House Cap't Bill Jefferson Ahab's totally nonsexual
harpooning of an irresistible great white sperm-whale
was just as irresistible to DIO.
(See “Oval Sex in the Oral Office”
[ruminations on BJ and his Adventures With an Ellipsoidal Phallivore]
at DIO 8 [1998]
pp.50-55.)

How to halve top sports-scum numbers: get O.Simpson a date with Tonya.

There's an oldie that the ideal Nazi was:
slim like Göring,
handsome like Goebbels,
tall like Hitler, &
blonde like Himmler.
Facts:
[1] This goresome foursome killed over 30 million people
in order to replace them with volk meeting standards
that would have eliminated themselves.
[2] All four committed suicide (between 1945/4/30 & 1946/10/1).
Don't these data suggest that the four's only crime in modern Nazis' eyes
would be that the suicides should have been before not after
the war they screwed up so disastrously?

Les Is More:
Foam-Rubber Chastity-Diapers, Anyone?
We all know the oldie about the guy who went down to the Civic Center
to see a fight but a hockey game broke out.
How about a newie? —
the voyeur who went to the college gym to watch girlpersons hug and pat each
others' butts hundreds of times — but a volleyball game broke out.

GOP Terrorism-Era Fantasy Review
— Scene Secretly Deleted from 2005's KING KONG:
Bush-successor-aspirant Rudy Giuliani was asked what his very 1st thought was,
when he saw romper Kong killing hundreds of NYC citizens, and Rudy said:
“I immediately thought how glad I was that Geo.Bush is President.”