I was given an omen to do this article. Don’t believe me? Check out this dope shirt I’m wearing right now:

Read from right to left. It’s also an anagram. Da Vinci Code wooh…

My friends and I were talking about this old geezer and they came up with some pretty interesting theories on why CSL had sex with a much younger woman. Are you ready for this revelation? Cause it’s gonna leave you shocked and awed.

Theory #1: He wanted to be a porn star.

Since he was a kid, CSL had always dreamt of being a prolific porn actor that would penetrate the entire adult entertainment industry deeply. He has hopes that his job would enable him to sow his seeds of happiness into all the actresses he can lay his grubby paws on. He even had an appropriate screen name taught of: Chua Sex Lek which in Cantonese literally translates to ‘Chua is clever in sex’.

Unfortunately for him, he lives in a country where porn is not only frown upon as moral profligacy but entirely illegal. His mother threatens to disown him if he was to continue his ambition. She also made sure he doesn’t think too much with his small head, and instead made sure his big head are stuffed with proper education.

Luckily for him, his mother enrolled him to study at Lim Poon Primary School(how appropriate!) where he got to experiment with all the Poon-tangs he wanted.

This whole ordeal resulted in CSL becoming a doctor, as his mother had wished for. Nonetheless, he still yearns to fulfill his wet dreams of being a porn star. During his spare time, he studied ancient Sanskrit literature like the Kama Sutra and practiced rigorously so that his talent would eventually cum out brilliantly. This also explains his remarkable performance, at the age of 60.

Theory #2: He secretly tapes his own porn videos. With the help of his wife.

You know the saying “If you try hard enough, you’ll eventually succeed”? Well, he managed to snag himself a good and understanding wife who knows his aspirations. Not only did she give her blessings for his erm, extra-curricular activities but she also joined in – by becoming the cameramanwoman (setting up the equipments and stuffs).

This is also the prime reason why his wife didn’t throw a bitch fit when the whole thing was exposed. She already knew about it. And is probably proud too cause you know, now she can brag to all the mak datins about her husband’s unmatched performance.

But if she is a part of this, how did the video got leaked? Why would she wanna kill her husband’s career? Now this would lead us to:

This is by far the most shocking revelation. A conspiracy even. Ask yourself this question – if anyone wants to kill his career, why would they wait till he reaches the ripe old age of 61 60 (*update: I was mislead. Sorry)? At that age, he’s not exactly at the peak of his career is he?

So the theory is, CSL had already made enough dough from his position, wants to retire and concentrate on his life-long dream of being an adult actor. But lo and behold, the PM said no!

In order to ensure he will get what he wants, CSL diligently released the biggest fireworks one can ever see on New Year’s day. Straight from the dick when he leaked the vids several day earlier.

He and his wife had also brilliantly concocted this plan where she would declare how she and the family had forgiven him while he will tell everyone that the other woman (the porn actress) is a ‘personal friend’. How freaking convenient huh?

But wait, here’s the ass clincher: he admitted he was the guy in the DVD, but he left it to the PM to decide his fate. CSL has sneakily put the balls back into the PM’s court, forcing him to do what he wanted him to do in the first place. Judging from the situation and also because this country is so full of morally correct people (so to speak), renders the PM with only one choice: to allow CSL to resign.

You’re probably thinking CSL is feeling very embarrassed now. Ok, maybe he does, a little. But he has now got what he wanted – a resignation. Not only that, this whole ordeal has also brought another benefit to him, free promotion to establish himself as this country’s foremost porn star. Possibly the highest paid too (from his day job la!)

I don’t know about you, but this whole thing reeks off conspiracy.

*Update:

Theory #4: He was testing some new anti-impotence drug

Other theories might be far fetched a bit but then, a friend of mine pointed out that CSL might be testing a new type of erection-prolonging medicine. You might be saying; there are hundreds of people who can test them, so why must he be the one to do that?

Well due to his (former) position as the de facto power for this cuntry’s health system, it is only appropriate that he himself physically test those performance enhancers to make sure they are fit for consumption.

Maybe he thinks that by doing so, he will be looked upon as brave and courageous by submitting his health to the risks and side effects of new medicines. Remember, Viagra itself has been known to cause heart problems.

So, after rigorous and multiple testing and experiments, he can finally give his sticky seal of approval for the meds to be sold. But then again, why must he choose a 20 something personal friend of his to do the tests? Why not with his wife?

Well you see, his wife has been married to him for what? 20, 30 years? So her judgment might have been dulled and impartial as far as a feedback from the partner is concerned. Hey, even in school you’re taught to conduct experiments multiple times with different subjects to reduce errors don’t you?

*Update:

Theory #5: He’s just a horny SOB.

Nuff said.

***

The reason I don’t want him to resign (yet) is because as the Health Minister it is his duty to reveal the secret to his performance in bed. Now now, you might be thinking what he did was easy for a young guy, but less you forget he is 60 years old.

After he’s drop the pants info, he can then resign.

But seriously though, to be a prolific porn actor, he needs to work on his skills and presentation more. I don’t think the director would be happy with just the missionary and ride the cowboy style. Seriously.

*Update:

Last words: Look, I’m not supporting him ok? Like what I said before, if he did what he did outside of his office hours and didn’t effect his duty, who am I to judge him? I didn’t vote for him nor am I the one who gave him his (former) position. I think the only people who can judge him (and whoop his ass) are his wife and family, the PM who gave him his (former) position, Labis people who voted for him, and to a certain degree the president of his party for recommending him to the PM.

Maybe some of you are saying because his pay comes from the taxpayer’s money, the whole nation deserve to condemn him. But what if he paid (or maybe didn’t) his personal friend in exchange for sex from his own rightfully earned salary? So next time a non-corrupt civil servant(yes I know it is infinitely hard to find one) decides to indulge himself by say staying in a hotel and paying with his own salary, you’re gonna say no, you can’t do that, we the taxpayers pay your salary and we don’t want to see you having fun at all.

But the biggest question is, now that he has relinquished all his posts, if he were to continue his sexual escapades and lord forbid, gets recorded again, ask yourself if you’re still gonna create such a big hoo hah out of it? I bet most of you won’t even bat an eyelid anymore.