STOP PRESS: General David Petraeus collapses under the weight of all his medals

Newly appointed to take charge of the US military in Afghanistan, General Petraeus collapsed at a press conference and could not be helped up until his medals, badges, stars, stripes, insignia, ribbons, epaulettes, gold braid and flashing Christmas tree lights had been removed.

The outfit, thought to have been a tribute to Kenny Everett, has been widely criticised by camp followers as being "Just a tad over the top dear."