Our experts answer: Is he Mr. Right if I don't feel attracted at first sight? And what happens when two quiet types go out on a date?

I am a 29-year-old woman and wish to get married. (I've been divorced 5 years and have a child.) I'm lonely and, to be honest, I'm afraid to stay single any longer. I also feel obligated to build a normal family, since my child needs a stepfather.

I am in contact with someone who seems to be a decent person. The problem is, I don't feel any attraction to him. It's more than not liking his appearance. He is my anti-type, which means that he is very different than the type of man I'm attracted to. Should I continue the contact with him in order to get to know him better and possibly overcome disliking his appearance? Could we ever make a good match?

Shoshi in LA

Dear Shoshi,

Few of us could ever imagine marrying someone whose appearance repulses us, and in fact Jewish law actually prohibits this. From a practical standpoint, it isn't merely enough not to be repulsed by someone. You've got to be attracted to the person you marry. For many people, attraction is not instantaneous. It develops as they get to know the person they are dating.

Attraction doesn't mean being overcome with desire each time you see him.

Attraction does not mean that you are overcome with desire each time you see your date. A woman's attraction often means that she likes at least one aspect of her date's appearance. He may have warm eyes, a cute dimple or a great smile. (A man is usually attracted to a woman's overall physical appearance.)

Before you consider dating this man seriously, just make sure you're not simply grasping at the first "decent" guy who comes your way. Re-think your goals for the coming years, the lifestyle choices that you'll be comfortable with, and the personal qualities you'd like to see in a future spouse. If you and your dating partner have compatible goals, lifestyle choices and personalities, it's worthwhile to see how this can develop over time.

It may be that as you get to know this man, his appearance will "grow" on you, as has happened in many successful coutships. It would help if you could minimize your sense that this man is, as you say, your anti-type. Does his appearance turn you off because it is not the "ideal" way you'd like a man to look? If so, try letting go of the stereotyped images you carry around with you. Does this man have some physical characteristics that you really dislike? Why do you dislike these characteristics? Do they remind you of someone you disliked or of an unpleasant experience?

Once you understand the negative association, it may be easier for you to stop making it. If you can't let it go, it will be difficult, if not impossible, for you to develop physical attraction for this man.

In any event, once a couple has dated 4 or 5 times, each of them should be feeling at least a small amount of physical attraction. If it doesn't start by this point, there's a good chance it may never develop.
Rosie & Sherry

"BIG TALK, LITTLE TALK"

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

A few weeks ago you suggested to someone not to go into too deep stuff the first few dates, but rather to carry on "airplane" conversation. I have a very big problem with that. By nature I am not such a big talker, especially when it comes to having to talk about nothing. On top of all that I usually get set up with guys who are as quiet as I am. You can imagine what a "great" conversation we have. What can I talk about that's not too personal? Thanks for your help.

Yehudit

Dear Yehudit,

Don't be intimidated by the idea that you have to become a great conversationalist in order to have a successful date. Conversation is a skill that can be developed well by anyone with a little practice. We suggest that you enlist the help of one or two friends to help you work on your conversational technique. Here are some exercises you can do together:

You don't have to be a great conversationalist to have a successful date.

See how many non-personal topics of conversation each of you can think of in 10 minutes. Stay away from any subject that involves thoughts or experiences that are too personal to be shared with a stranger. At the same time, don't confine yourself to careers, politics and Jewish geography. Think of hobbies, programs that pique your interest, something you hope to accomplish -- information that's personal but not private.

You and your friend should then choose which of these topics are the most interesting. Think of anecdotes or points of interest you can tie into some of these topics.

Next, role-play by having conversations on several of these topics. Take turns being the person who initiates the dialogue. During your "practice sessions," do more than simply give brief answers and then let the subject drop. Focus on an interesting point and expand it. For example, think what you would ask a friend about her recent business trip.

Rehearse questions that ask for a description or an opinion. Practice phrases that will keep the conversation flowing, so that it doesn't sound like a one-sided interview. "You know, something similar happened to my brother....", or "You know, what you just said reminds me of..." You should also practice moving onto another topic when the conversation becomes awkward, "That's an approach I'll have to spend some time digesting. I'm interested in hearing how you...."

After at least three practice sessions, you and your friend can compare progress. Hasn't it become easier for you to think of subjects to talk about, to express your own thoughts, to draw the other person into a conversation? Couldn't you ask most of the same questions of your date? Couldn't you give you date most of the same answers you'd give a friend?

If you're not happy with your progress, try a few more role-playing sessions. By then, you should be comfortable enough with conversation to try it with a new date. Good luck!

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...