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Monday, August 29, 2011

Jason and I hugged maybe a little more than normal yesterday. We just kept staring at our son, looking at one another, and then finally stating the obvious, "We have a one year old son. We've never had a one year old son before...Thank You, Lord God, for the blessing of Ryan Graves!"

Not trying to be morbid here or overly dramatic.

The truth is, becoming Emily's parents we were blessed with the awe and realization that nurturing a child is not only a gift but a lifelong mission of great responsibility. When Noah was born this understanding was only solidified, then taken to a deeper awe of cherishing each moment, one day at a time. The day Ryan was born I knew time was precious, even the day to day, un-glamorous stuff.

I'm not going to lie and say I am a perfect steward of every moment of each day. But, as Jason and I recently took the Love Language quiz, it was confirmed that our most treasured language is time. We both topped the charts in this area. (I HIGHLY recommend you heading over there now and taking a few minutes to assess your heart. Then, talk to your loved ones and friends about taking the quiz. We had Em take it and it helped us know what we already did...the girl loves to snuggle and spend quality time with people she loves.) So, wasting time is the ultimate blow to my heart. I don't want to waste yours, I get irritated when I've wasted my own, and let's just say, I'm not a fan if someone has overstepped mine.

All that to say, looking back over the last year, Ryan's first year of life, I've been beyond blessed with the opportunity to hibernate and spend time with a very precious little growing soul. I literally sing songs when he poopies, so thankful he has healthy bowels finally. I love greeting him in the morning, seeing his smile and smothering him with kisses. Snuggling him before bed for a few minutes, praying God's blessings over his life, God's calling and anointing in him to glorify God in all that he does, is one of my favorites times of day...crawling on the floor with him, playing catch and fetch...not just giving him a bottle since he's big enough to hold it, but nuggling him as he inhales every drop. So many things. I do not take these for granted.

I know from what we walked through with Noah and having met and spoken with countless other people who have walked similar roads that time is something to be cherished, it goes quickly, and it's nothing we can ever regain.

So, you've never lost a loved one. You still have healthy parents, grandparents, and your friends and family are healthy as a band of horses. That is totally awesome! It's something to rejoice in!

For the most part, that is my life, too! Yes, my mom has breast cancer but she's, "Stronger than your honor student." Yes, my dad is 66 years old today and can't lift a washer and dryer by himself anymore. I've got a healthy husband, healthy kids, and I'm currently the healthiest I've been in my life and I'm pushing 40...

My point is this...whether you've weathered tragedy personally, walked through it with another person, or only observed it from afar...are you stuck on the hamster wheel or are you thanking and living one day at a time?

Today, start small. Give a hug. Hold a hand. Smooch some lips. Read with your kids. Forgive. Stop, rest, heal. Listen. Pray. Dip your finger in the frosting and let your kids lick the beaters. Forget the obsessive cleaning for a day and discover that the time you spent instead playing a game is what will put a healthy deposit of love and security in your kids' hearts...your husband's heart.

Jesus said, "...therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough trouble of its own..." Matthew 6:34

...and then, "who by worrying can add a single day to his life?"

TODAY! One. Day. At. A. Time.

(I lost my little white thingamajiggy that helps me upload pics...I am headed out to purchase one and will then show you how sweet Ryan was downing his very first allergen free birthday treat!)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I won't share what she said to the nurse when the nurse asked her why she was in pain...let's just say "chopped" was one of the verbs...

My dad said my mom got a pretty good night sleep. But, let's be honest. To all my nurse friends out there, we all know it's not a hotel, it's a hospital so sleep, though necessary for healing, is kind of a joke in the hospital unless one is knocked out.

I'm headed up there with my big sis to learn home care along with my dad. When they told us that my mom would be released likely the day after surgery, I'm pretty sure we all thought they were on crack. But, she's much more alert, up and walking and gaining strength today, so, apparently the medical team was not, in fact, on crack.

She'll be released later this afternoon. Thanks for your continued support and prayers for my mom and our family!

This is the first leg of the journey...now for all that is ahead of us, we know with God's strength and an encouraging group around, she's gonna kick cancer in the pants!

The surgeon came in to tell us that her portion of the surgery went well and is complete. Now the plastic surgeon is with her finishing his part. My mom will be out of surgery around 4pm, then to recovery and then finally into her room.

The cancer did spread to her left armpit, so the surgeon removed a series of lymph nodes to be sent off for diagnostics. What this means is that what was originally only a chance she would have to have radiation, now is part of the protocol.

My dear friend came to sit with me so I'm going to go.

Thank you so much for your prayers for my mom! I know you all have journeys of your own going on right now, and so please know we don't stop praying for you and yours even though we are in the midst of our own needs. Please feel free, as you did when Noah was in the hospital, to put your prayer needs in the comment section and we'll pray for you, too!!!

I will post again later when I see her and then we are probably setting up a Caringbridge site for my mom so she can post her heart and thoughts and you guys can send her messages of encouragement there.

For those of you praying for my mom, I just wanted to share an update...

She and my dad got to the hospital early this morning. They started surgery at 8:15. My dad just got a call at 11:45 that they had completed one side and are moving onto the next. They expect to be done around 2pm. They said all is well and looking good.

Dad went back to my mom's recovery room to rest a bit, since they were up at 3am. My big sis and I sniffed out a warm solarium with west views of the entire Rocky Mountain range, from Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs to the Wyoming border. It was also the only place my computer could find wi-fi.

It's surreal knowing what is going on as I sit here and take in these beautiful views.

I don't think, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I don't wonder that. We live on Earth, in a fallen world, and as my mom said as soon as she was diagnosed with breast cancer, "God doesn't owe me life on my terms."

And, anywhere you look in the Bible, there are trials, pain, and suffering, mixed with hope and joy and great expectation...people with fairly decent records and the ones society and religious circles had kicked to the curb.

I just wish my mom didn't have to go through this...this pain...this portion of the journey...really, any of this.

As we prayed together last night, she said, "I want to use this for God's glory. I want to be able to encourage others who will have to face this one day. This will not be in vain."

My mom is a rock. She isn't The Rock. But she stands on The One Who Is.

As I prayed with my folks, all of us holding hands over the table, I was overwhelmed and so very thankful that God introduced them, that our family of 5 growing up was always close, that my parents came to know the Lord when my big sister and I were young ladies, that we've been able to grow in our walks with the Lord as our family has grown over the years. I am so thankful my parents love one another. Grateful they didn't get stuck in a religious rut that was an endless grave of duty and performance. Thankful to know God intimately because of His ultimate expression of love through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Whether we walk through trials, which we all will, or whether things are coasting along seemingly, God will always get the glory from our family.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I have to say, it is so very refreshing to be in a setting where, what was once private and hush hush, can be spoken of with earnestness, sincerity, and candid authenticity. (I know that is quite a list of words but Em and I have been reading the original Nancy Drew books, and boy does Keene use great vocabulary!)

Anyway, cancer is a big word. It's really a new journey for our family, and as I walk along this road with my mom, I am a student in this new topic. Em knows a lot about death and heaven because she lost her brother. But she and I don't know a lot about cancer except that it's not our favorite word...and it's something my mom has. I want to be sensitive not to teach Em all the cellular dynamics of cancer at the age of 9, but to allow her to ask questions and hold her grandma's hand when she needs assurance, I feel is of utmost importance.

So, today, after I tied on my pink ribbon belt, slipped on my hot pink swirl half-dome ring that's as big as a bouncy ball, and stepped into my pink cancer awareness flip-flops, I hopped into my car donning breast cancer plates and drove over to Emily's school to snatch her away for a couple of hours. You see, seeing her "Bebe" in a hospital bed with tubes taped onto her and machines all around may be too overwhelming...but...to go to her "Bebe's" wig fitting appointment, letting her try on a few, and seeing what her grandma will look like in a couple of months, well, I thought that would be a great way for Em to be connected on this journey.

The women who helped us were beautiful. Both survivors, even. One, seven years ago, had the EXACT kind of cancer, same stage, same invasiveness, same factors and treatment, as my mom. My mom had been specifically praying to be able to speak with a woman who had all of those things and God provided her, today, in that room where we were able to speak candidly about boobies and baldness.

No one really wants to suffer and then have another person suffer through it, too. But to be able to share our stories and say, "Me, too!" is a powerful thing. It allows us to know that we aren't alone, that God provides comfort and companionship even in the midst of our darkest moments. No matter how hard Satan tries to tear us down, God is always faithful to be our Rock, our Steady, our never-changing King of Peace. God is good!

Me, snarkly-like: "Oh, then I guess you don't have to tell me ever again..."

Yes, we both just smiled.

I know it sounds like I was fishing, but PEOPLE, I had taken a shower! I mean, it's not that rare, but as a busy mom, let's all just be honest here...showers may happen every day or every other day, but actually washing and blowing dry my hair, well, that happens maybe twice a week, if I'm lucky!

Husbands, take notice!

I already felt pretty yesterday and didn't need Jason to say so. I had spent a lot of time reading God's word and felt very refreshed, beautiful on the inside because God had said so...I also just happened to have a skirt on, which never happens, so, you'd think your hubby might notice...wink, wink.

Anyway, from my post yesterday or the day before about the Proverbs 31 woman, I'm inspired to try an experiment. First of all, let me just say I don't ask Jason if he thinks I'm pretty all the time. Remember, he said I'm beautiful everyday. Ahem.

But, my experiment is this: I'm not going to shower or wash my hair ever again. And let me tell you, it's gonna get stinky! I'm going to have me some very hairy legs and my hair, well, it'll look like I stuck my head in a deep fryer. So, add to the lack of hygiene more time reading God's word, praying and sitting at His feet, and I suspect Jason will be simply overcome by my appearance.

Okay, so, I'm totally kidding! Ewwwwww!

The point is this, ladies, our beauty is on the inside when our hearts are before the Lord. Here's a quote from my jewelry blog:

"We truly believe that every woman's heart was designed to be beautiful. What we wear on the inside will always be seen by the discerning eye. What we wear on the outside is simply a reflection of our tastes and who we are...it will never take the place of our inner beauty...beauty that will last us a lifetime."

And all you guys out there, even if you think your lady is beautiful every day, tell her what you think...she's not a mind reader.

And, if she's not pretty, if her heart is dark and broken, sad, distraught and in despair, if she's angry and unkind, well, start filling her heart with Truth. Fill it a little bit at a time. Encourage her in God's word...it may be a slow process but God is bigger. He works miracles all the time.

And one day, when she walks in the door, you won't be overcome by her appearance, you'll be taken aback by her beauty.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

So, I was reading Proverbs 31 for the millionth time the other day. I have a lot of thoughts on this wife and mom, but for this particular post, I will share what stood out on that day. First, here are the scriptures:

" 10A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:10-12

Verse 11 is where I started jotting things down. The word "lacks" first jumped out at me. Followed by "value." I have a good friend that is a professional organizer. She has worked some modern day miracles in peoples lives, helping them purge and reorganize. She's even worked with big time hoarders. If I were to guess here, she helps clients determine what is of value to them, and then, with those things the client deems valuable, she helps put them in places where they are easily accessible. The things they are able to get rid of, those things that are simply taking up space, or lack value, they either donate or throw away.

It's all about creating margin. Space. Not only in their physical homes but in their hearts and minds. Less is more.

Now, in all fairness, if you dropped by my casa right now you'd witness my organized chaos and want to call my friend the organizer to tattle on me. Don't worry, she's knows :)

But that's not what I'm talking about here...

I looked up the definition of value. It talks of worth, both "material value" and "human value."

Which one is verse 11 addressing?

It's not difficult to realize that in light of eternity, the obvious answer is the eternal, Godly value of life and love. But the problem is, in America the land of excess, I think there is a big blur between our material and human values. I don't think it. It's rather obvious.

Do our husbands feel loved and have full confidence in us because their garages are chock full of man toys and their basements pimped to resemble something of an IMAX theatre? No. I mean, hopefully not. Hopefully if those things were swept away in an instant, you two would still have a foundation. (I'm not judging you if you have a lot of toys or a home theater. That's not the point.)

The point is, if two people without earthly possessions can fall in love and stay in love, isn't that man's life full? He lacks nothing because he has what is truly valuable. He has love. He has relationship. He has trust.

On earth, we can get caught up in a rat race of the realization that there will always be someone else out there with more stuff than us. Filling our lives with more stuff won't give us more value. Heck, even if you had an expensive house and genuine diamonds, were in all the right social circles and had loads of finances in the bank...if your heart was empty, your family distant, and your marriage a shell, compared to one of Jason's (my husband) moms in Bolivia whose home is made of mud and wardrobe made up of two articles, but she has food on her table and beautiful children laughing and running around, well, it's not hard to see which husband has value and which one is trying to fill his life with meaning.

Having lost a child it's not difficult for Jason or me to not attach heartstrings or value to things.

Life is short. People are God's very creation, an expression of Himself to share His love with the world.

And as moms, our children are only with us for a short time. That time is valuable. And, their lives are priceless. I guarantee that if you give your kid a hug and kiss and tell them how very special they are to you, they will feel so much more valued than if their toy box is full and they wear the latest fashions.

I know I have a lot of margin to create in my home. I have a list of projects that include purging, cleaning, donating and organizing. But when Jason comes home from his blessing of a job, arriving in his paid for car, to our beautiful house, he doesn't hug the wall and kiss the television and the Blue Ray. Instead, he puts his computer bag down, tries to calm the spastic dog, crosses the kitchen to give me a kiss and then embraces and loves on his sweet kids that he hasn't seen in hours.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Here's a pic of Ryan sporting Em's backwoods redneck teeth as he crawled around in his cute military style crawl:

Em actually wore this set of teeth to the dentist recently...the dentist screamed and then couldn't stop laughing! My kid is quite the prankster.

*I actually didn't realize Ry had a prune mustache until I just posted this. This is because I don't usually clean off his face after he eats...because I think he's a cute dirty little boy.Here are some pics from our summer adventures:

Em and her two BFF's camping in the family room

Em requested dirt dessert. I know for a fact I left something out, but when you crush up Oreo's and put worms and flowers on top, no one really notices.

Em and her birthday guests

A picture of Em after completing her first kids triathlon. She was exhausted but wants to sign up again for next year. Any of your kids want to join her?

Here we are visiting my Gramps in the hospital when he had pneumonia. My gramps is doing great now, fyi. And, a side note, he and Ryan are 93 years apart.

We got dressed up and went out to celebrate Noah's 5th birthday. Inquiries: Em's wearing a recycled Sari. Ryan is actually wearing a recycled Noah shirt, so I'm grateful it finally was worn!!!

Me and the best little mid-life crisis Eh-Ver!

Ryan's first trip to the Denver Zoo. He loved it! He also fell asleep. Notice the delicious chubby wrists on this guy! Arghhhhh!

Em and her favorite babysitter in the whole wide world, who is actually on the other side of the whole wide world in Africa presently, doing relief work. We love you, Miss Claire! Thanks for the piggyback ride!

Em and I bought some feathers off the Internet to put in our hair...do you think I overdid it?*For some reason, in the 60's, I believe, women wore these feather wigs while they were lounging by the pool, sunbathing. It was my Grandma's wig. Em's feathers actually turned out great!

Friday, August 12, 2011

I know it's been a long time since I've posted pictures or even shown that our lives are also fun amidst tough stuff. We had a wonderful summer visiting family and friends in South Dakota and Minneapolis. We laughed a lot this summer. We relaxed, breathed, and just simply enjoyed.

I honestly can't imagine my life at this point without Ryan in it. He brings me so much joy! He's an easy going kid and brings a lot of laughter into our home.

This summer he got to hang out with his younger cousin quite a bit. The pictures below show our ad-lib version of kiddie pools at Nana's house.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Cancer is like saying #$%^&*. It's got six letters but it's a four-letter word.

I've never liked the word cancer.

Merriam Webster defines it four ways:

a northern zodiacal constellation between Gemini and Leo

a malignant tumor of potentially unlimited growth that expands locally by invasion and systemically by metastasis; an abnormal bodily state marked by such tumors

something evil or malignant that spreads destructively

an enlarged tumor-like plant growth

I guess I don't mind looking at constellations in God's big beautiful sky, but seeing a malignant tumor on an MRI, and that tumor belonging to my very own mom, well, that just sucks, to be frank.

I went to my mom's appointment yesterday along with my dad and younger sister. I choked back some tears here and there as I watched my mom be so very brave. I mean, my mom was like, "I'm not scared. I trust God. I trust Him when things are good and even now. I trust Him."

I sat there next to my dad who has always been so in love with my mom, knowing this is his journey, too. I thanked God in my heart for parents who still enjoy being together, thankful for their loving example of marriage for my own life, so very thankful God opened a door for them to live so close to us.

So many things were running through my thoughts in that office suite dedicated to education and treatment of this "new to me" disease. We all listened to one pretty amazing doctor share knowledge and courses of treatment, maybe not realizing she was now part of our journey. Of course the "Noah" mom came to the forefront of my mind...wanting to fix it...wanting to conquer the world and find a cure for all cancers, but especially breast cancer because it's front and center in my world. But, as much as I am on this journey with my mom, this is her journey. And she's one pretty amazing woman, so I know she's got it...because she knows The One who has got it!

In 7th grade a nurse came to educate us girls about self-breast examination. I freaked. Not because I thought it was silly to talk about touching my boobies. Something in me was gripped with fear and I was sure I would die of breast cancer before I even left high school. I even had my mom take me to the doctor because I had lumpy breasts. The doc said, "Do you eat chocolate?" Of course my reply was an emphatic yes! She asked, "Do you drink caffeine?" Hello! I'm in junior high! Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper were my BFF's next to Stacey, of course! She said that caffeine increases fibroid tissue in the breast and can cause pain and discomfort. I stopped drinking pop. I didn't drink it again until my freshman year of college...which accounted for my 15 extra pounds at the time. I gave it up again. Water is my favorite, anyway...

I don't fear death anymore thanks to God's grace in allowing me to be mommy to a sweet little boy whose name meant "Peace." And, I don't fear breast cancer. I don't fear. What the heck is the point of fearing?! It steals joy and hope. Walking through this with my mom, even from the first call she got, watching her trust in God, and her peace, there's just no room for fear.

Cancer is a four-letter word, but having met it, I know now it can be beat!

It's not going to be a cake walk. There will be surgery. There will be chemo. And, since I'm not having either of those aforementioned, there will be a boat load of walking on my part. I haven't picked the city or the date, but this time I'll probably do the 60 mile walk. And yes, if you are interested, I'll be forming a team...

As a daughter of a woman with breast cancer, I know I can't fix it. I've learned that from experience. I can definitely be a support and encouragement. I can do practical things like make meals and help care for my mom over the next 9 months or so. But there is other stuff I can do, and I know it will not only help my mom, but help my generation and Emily's generation to come.

No. Breast cancer isn't my "new" platform. I've championed for it, or rather against it, in the past...simply because I have boobs. Yes, you will hear more about it here in days to come. But I'm still passionate about loving women, encouraging women, and telling them about God's AMAZING LOVE for them...this isn't new, either is God's love or my passion to tell it.

It's just that breast cancer has helped re-light a fire under me that had nearly died out.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Not trying to shock you, but here is a bumper sticker I had to sit behind in traffic recently. It read, "I piss excellence."

Really? That's fabulous?????? Congratulations?! What does that even MEAN, you numb skull?!

Oh. My. Word. Seriously? Can we just talk about what messages we are trying to get across here?!

I am specifically talking about bumper stickers and other images and messages displayed on the backsides of our vehicles.

Personally, I am not a fan of bumper stickers, although, for the most part, I do read them as I drive on my way. I don't judge you if you choose to put them on your car, it's just that my husband and I decided long ago not to put stickers on our vehicles. It's not a big deal. We have lots of opinions and thoughts on life. We support and love many different organizations. We just don't do bumper stickers. That's all.

Let's review some though, shall we?

There's the parent who has to point out that their kid is smarter than yours. Just because someone has a "My kid made the honor roll" sign on their car doesn't mean your kid is an idiot. They are proud parents, that's all...and no, your dog isn't smarter than their kid, either.

Or that ridiculous and crude kid that has his pants down and is urinating on whatever it is the driver wants to belittle. Chevy and Ford should just be friends, already!

Here's my favorite...the guy in the big beefy truck that has dark tinted windows, meaty tires with girly flaps and a pair of blue balls hanging from the hitch. REALLY?! You are admitting to the world that your truck is making up for your lack of intimacy?!?!

Or, "Silly boys! Trucks are for girls!" I love to drive trucks, I have to say, but they aren't gender specific. They are trucks. They are for boys and girls. Trucks are gender neutral...

I actually like the family stickers. You've usually got a dad figure, a mom, a couple kids or more, even a cat and dog. And, if your family was lucky enough, your family figures have big mouse ears on them...or, if you are outdoorsy, your family is made up of sea turtles...which means you were probably lucky enough to buy them in Hawaii.

I personally am not quite sure what the "I piss excellence" bumper sticker is all about. All I know is that it's crude and not the kind of bumper sticker I would ever choose. But I guess it stuck with me...so very glad that guy got his message across...(kick him in the shin!)

If there was room on the back of my car to get a message across worth the adhesive it would say, "Hey, whether you believe it or not, God is totally, completely, madly in love with you! Yep! He loves you exactly the way you are, sitting there in your car, singing, smoking, picking your nose, yelling at your kids in the back seat, whatever. He even loves you as you are tailgating me to read this bumper sticker. And, since the beginning of time a lot has happened. He's been misrepresented, even gotten a bad wrap. Maybe you could care less, but here's the deal, whether you like Him or not, you will meet Him face to face one day. On that day He'll tell you how much He loves you...like He's been telling you all along. He'll remind you that He sent His Son to die on a cross for you because you were worth it. You can wait until that day to meet Him, but living life here on earth with Him in your heart is better than chocolate or Monday Night Football! Life won't necessarily be smooth, you may experience heartache and pain, your kid might not make the honor roll, you may not even pee straight, but God's totally and completely in love with you and would love to have a personal relationship with you today."

I know that bumper stickers or symbols on our cars are an expression of who we are or what we believe and support. Some are encouraging and thought provoking...others just funny, while others, as you've witnessed above, plain old ignorant.

Since the back of my Honda Accord just isn't big enough to display my sentiments, I won't be having this particular bumper sticker made up.

However, when I went to renew my tags the other day, something occurred to me. I can work the "no bumper sticker" rule with personalized plates. I can get another message across. It's a message of support and something I've championed in the past. It's a message that wasn't close to home. Now it's a message that is front and tail end on my car.

I bought pink license plates.

I know that in buying "Breast Cancer Awareness" plates I won't beat the disease, but, as the daughter of a beautiful woman who was just diagnosed last week with it, I will do whatever it takes to show my mom my full support.

I love my mom. She is my spiritual GIANT. She probably is smarter than your honor student, but if she had a bumper sticker, even in light of her recent diagnosis, it would read like the one above, "God is Faithful! I trust in Him! And He is Good!"

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

I was talking with a friend recently, the kind that, even though we don't get to do daily life together as we had in the past, we just pick up where we left off. I hope you have those kinds of friendships, too, where the love runs deep and there isn't performance pressure. Anyway, we caught up on day to day life and then dug deeper finding out how siblings and parents were fairing. And not just for knowledge sake. We dug deeper because we knew in sharing that prayers would be said for our loved ones.

My heart got sick when my friend shared about a sibling of hers...how this particular sibling who had considered himself a Christian the majority of his life was now disenchanted not only with American Christianity, but even Jesus.

Jesus?

Really?!

SERIOUSLY?! Jesus?????

I get the part about American Christianity/Religion...but Jesus?!

Huh.

Makes me want to cut off that siblings ear. Not because I think that sibling sucks or even that Jesus needs defending. He's a Big Boy. He can handle people, His people, His beloved, wrestling with Him. I just think it's a total load of crap, a complete cop-out, a lazy-pursuit or lack thereof, to throw away Jesus with the bathwater just because the world is filled with really flaky people called humans who hurt other peoples feelings and misrepresent God on a daily basis.

I hurt people's feelings and make mistakes and misrepresent God all the time...I'm not boasting. I'm not proud of it. But God doesn't tuck nicely into a little box, building or religious set of rules. I don't mean to hurt others. I really am sorry!

But, BUT, BUT...that doesn't change God's character or His love for us. Our flakiness doesn't change God at all. Just because I am a jerk doesn't mean God is. God has always been the same, He has never changed. God is love. He is love. He is the very definition.

But I do share the depth of heart, love, and intimacy for Christ that the disciple who did the ear cutting did. Plus, I have 2000 years of experiential learning on that guy. Not that I'm that old, of course, sheesh, I'm only pushing 40, but countless stories of life transformation have occurred between today and that ear-cutting. I have gotten to actually read and re-read the part where Jesus said, "No more of this!" and then reached out and healed the man's ear. The very man who was just doing the grunt work of his "higher ups." He had no clue Who he was seizing...and the ear-cutter, well, he was just really zealous. I mean, who wouldn't be if your bff was Jesus?!

No, the ear-cutting disciple couldn't hear The Message or read the NIV translation. He was there, in the moment breathing the same O2 as Jesus, and the thought of his Innocent Friend being seized for ridiculous political and religious reasons was absurd enough for him to do some ear-chopping, though I'm sure he meant to do a bit more damage than that.

I don't REALLY want to cut off my friend's brother's ear. Rather, I'd love to turn it back to God's Spirit, turn it back to what he knew, or even turn his ears toward Jesus alone, without the pomp and pageantry, without all the gray noise...Just Jesus. Maybe the Jesus he never had the chance to know amidst the crisp, clean rules and regulations of religiosity, aka, modern Pharisee.

We all have stories. Some could say that they gave up on the Church because they were abused emotionally, physically, sexually or another way by a trusted leader, even a parent. Others could say they gave up on the Church because they were abused financially or theologically. Your story might be that you experienced significant loss, illness, need, or were simply seeking friendship or comfort and encouragement and the Church totally dropped the ball in your darkest hour and those you found faithful were work companions, neighbors, and the atheists on the corner.

I understand the disappointment. I honestly do. I've faced more on this earth than I ever wanted to...and it's all since meeting Jesus. But I wouldn't change it...

Here's a snippet of my colorful church experience: I grew up in the Catholic church until I was confirmed at the end of 9th grade. I learned as a child that God loves me and that Jesus died for me. I found out years later that one of the priests was friendly with some of the altar boys. Do I hate Catholics? No. From there, my family went to a little church, non-denominational, where we continued to learn more about God's love for us but began actually reading the Bible ourselves. We then moved for a job and later found out that the pastor and the church secretary at our old church (where we first fell in love with God's word) were having sex up on the altar while just next door they ran a school, where my sister attended. Do I hate church secretaries? No. For a year we visited several different churches, then moved back to our old city where we found a new church. This one was bonus, man. It all seemed to start out just fine, nicely balanced, but it was the late 80's, early 90's and it was Scottsdale, so money was muy importante. (That's Spanish for a big deal.) And, if it helps you understand the scene and why some have sought "spirituality" elsewhere, well, Katy Perry, as a little kid, and her family were very much involved in my church. *(I know, right?! I could have chucked the whole scene and been a millionaire singer...except I can't sing...)

Anyway, long story short, I headed off to college before it got ugly, but my folks were asked to leave the church because they didn't want to support the "financial" pursuit the pastor and another guy had for the congregation. Let's just say Uncle Sam didn't appreciate the financial pursuit of the church, either, and one guy did some time for robbing widows and orphans, and other people. Do I hate money, or even "offering" time? No. Fast forward... after I had served at a church for 2.5 years as head of their women's ministry, Noah was born and got sick. During his 5.5 month stay at the hospital, a couple of staff from that church visited the first week. We heard from the pastor via letter after Noah died. I never knew anyone from that church, besides personal friends, were standing by us during that time in our lives until a few of them showed up at Noah's funeral. A funeral at a different church that did step in and support us. Do I hate that other church's guts? No...but I don't go there anymore.

I forgive. I don't carry offense. I move on. I walk away. Because early on, in college, actually, during a mandatory "revival" I sat down and had a heart to heart with God. I cried out, "God, please help me to know Youin spite of all this. I KNOW You are true! Please help me remember what You want me to remember and forget the rest!"

It hasn't been perfect. It hasn't been smooth. But throwing Jesus out with the bathwater...I'd venture to say that those who can easily do that never actually encountered the personal, redeeming Christ...or were never told it was okay to wrestle with Him, to confess disappointment, disenchantment.

No, I'm pretty sure they only met His flaky followers. And that really stinks, because one, there will always be flaky followers, and TWO, Jesus is the Surest thing in the Universe...the biggest un-flake that ever existed!

I have more thoughts on this, as well as some opinions on faith and "East meets West" but this is already a novel...so, until next time...

Monday, August 08, 2011

Not trying to shock you, but here is a bumper sticker I had to sit behind in traffic recently. It read, "I piss excellence."

Really? That's fabulous?????? Congratulations?! What does that even MEAN, you numb skull?!

Oh. My. Word. Seriously? Can we just talk about what messages we are trying to get across here?!

I am specifically talking about bumper stickers and other images and messages displayed on the backsides of our vehicles.

Personally, I am not a fan of bumper stickers, although, for the most part, I do read them as I drive on my way. I don't judge you if you choose to put them on your car, it's just that my husband and I decided long ago not to put stickers on our vehicles. It's not a big deal. We have lots of opinions and thoughts on life. We support and love many different organizations. We just don't do bumper stickers. That's all.

Let's review some though, shall we?

There's the parent who has to point out that their kid is smarter than yours. Just because someone has a "My kid made the honor roll" sign on their car doesn't mean your kid is an idiot. They are proud parents, that's all...and no, your dog isn't smarter than their kid, either.

Or that ridiculous and crude kid that has his pants down and is urinating on whatever it is the driver wants to belittle. Chevy and Ford should just be friends, already!

Here's my favorite...the guy in the big beefy truck that has dark tinted windows, meaty tires with girly flaps and a pair of blue balls hanging from the hitch. REALLY?! You are admitting to the world that your truck is making up for your lack of intimacy?!?!

Or, "Silly boys! Trucks are for girls!" I love to drive trucks, I have to say, but they aren't gender specific. They are trucks. They are for boys and girls. Trucks are gender neutral...

I actually like the family stickers. You've usually got a dad figure, a mom, a couple kids or more, even a cat and dog. And, if your family was lucky enough, your family figures have big mouse ears on them...or, if you are outdoorsy, your family is made up of sea turtles...which means you were probably lucky enough to buy them in Hawaii.

I personally am not quite sure what the "I piss excellence" bumper sticker is all about. All I know is that it's crude and not the kind of bumper sticker I would ever choose. But I guess it stuck with me...so very glad that guy got his message across...(kick him in the shin!)

If there was room on the back of my car to get a message across worth the adhesive it would say, "Hey, whether you believe it or not, God is totally, completely, madly in love with you! Yep! He loves you exactly the way you are, sitting there in your car, singing, smoking, picking your nose, yelling at your kids in the back seat, whatever. He even loves you as you are tailgating me to read this bumper sticker. And, since the beginning of time a lot has happened. He's been misrepresented, even gotten a bad wrap. Maybe you could care less, but here's the deal, whether you like Him or not, you will meet Him face to face one day. On that day He'll tell you how much He loves you...like He's been telling you all along. He'll remind you that He sent His Son to die on a cross for you because you were worth it. You can wait until that day to meet Him, but living life here on earth with Him in your heart is better than chocolate or Monday Night Football! Life won't necessarily be smooth, you may experience heartache and pain, your kid might not make the honor roll, you may not even pee straight, but God's totally and completely in love with you and would love to have a personal relationship with you today."

I know that bumper stickers or symbols on our cars are an expression of who we are or what we believe and support. Some are encouraging and thought provoking...others just funny, while others, as you've witnessed above, plain old ignorant.

Since the back of my Honda Accord just isn't big enough to display my sentiments, I won't be having this particular bumper sticker made up.

However, when I went to renew my tags the other day, something occurred to me. I can work the "no bumper sticker" rule with personalized plates. I can get another message across. It's a message of support and something I've championed in the past. It's a message that wasn't close to home. Now it's a message that is front and tail end on my car.

I bought pink license plates.

I know that in buying "Breast Cancer Awareness" plates I won't beat the disease, but, as the daughter of a beautiful woman who was just diagnosed last week with it, I will do whatever it takes to show my mom my full support.

I love my mom. She is my spiritual GIANT. She probably is smarter than your honor student, but if she had a bumper sticker, even in light of her recent diagnosis, it would read like the one above, "God is Faithful! I trust in Him! And He is Good!"

Monday, August 01, 2011

The other day after service, we went to get Em from kid's church. A leader said, lightheartedly (not any other way), "Your kid didn't know the first 5 books of the Bible...I was surprised...I mean, she's your kid." I answered, without a beat, and not in defense, by any means, "I'm not really concerned that she have the books of the Bible memorized...I want her to know its content and message. She's had two different kids' Bibles read to her over 15 times in 9 years, I'm pretty sure that's more important."

As Jason, Em, Ry and I walked toward the car, I said, "Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy...wait, Deuteronomy then Numbers...no, that was right..." (And I was a Theology major.)

Jason said, "That's what a Table of Contents is for..."

Em chimed in, "Exactly!"

I know the leader wasn't being legalistic. That's not the kind of church we attend. However, could it be that one of the many reasons people stray away from God at an age of reason or when disaster, tragedy, complacency, or life strikes is because their foundation is only knowing the song, "Jesus loves me" or having all the books of the Bible memorized?

There's more to God than rote religious recollection.

He's intimate.

He's the Main Character of a True Story.

He's a really big deal!

Honestly, to be quite un-Christian, who gives a rip if you have all the books memorized? That is, if you don't know what the heck they convey!!!!!

66 chapters.

Do you have all the chapter titles of your most recent novel memorized? If you did, we'd all think you were weird. What we would want to know is how you liked the book? Was it good? What was your favorite part? What was it that kept you reading? Did it evoke emotion? Could you identify with any of the characters? Was it profound? Would you recommend it to your friends or even suggest it for your next month's book club? Is it one you would want to read again, maybe even three times?

Since Em was a baby I have read the Bible to her while she ate. It's almost like Pavlov's dog...she wants food and Food when she's hungry. Her "Beginner's Bible" we got through probably 10 times, to be conservative. In the last 3 years we've read "The Picture Bible" 5 times through. Last year in homeschool Em read me her "Beginner's Bible" from beginning to end. There have been a few other versions here and there that she and I have read excerpts from, but the point is, my 9 year old knows the message and the content of God's heart, relayed through scripture, keen observation and the lives of loving people around her on a daily basis.

I'm not boasting that my kid is smarter than yours...believe me, "bumper stickers" is a post for another day...what I am saying is that content is more important than a chapter title...and, if you were to ask Emily to recall a story from the Bible, she would do it with comprehension and heart.

And, what if you grew up in a church or even outside the church, where the message you have memorized is that God is a big, mean God...He's out to get you...He's keeping track of all your "rights" and "wrongs" and is gonna get you if you aren't a good kid?!

If those are the messages going through your head and heart, and you and I had a chance to sit down, heart to heart over a cup of coffee or a margarita, I most certainly wouldn't use that time to try to drill the names of 66 chapters into your life.

I'd cherish that opportunity to tell you that I actually know the Author of those chapters. He's Amazing. Forgiving. Gracious. And Big enough to handle all the crap of the whole entire world...and He's totally in love with you, no if's, and's or but's...and no strings attached.

About Me

Not a lot...and probably too much. I'm simple and complicated. I'm completely random and totally calculated. I'm a talker and a listener, an idealist, a realist and a dreamer. I am a living oxymoron. I love God more than I can put into words and am thankful that I don't have to try to live this life out on Earth without Him. My husband and kids are my most favorite! My family and friends are true gifts from God. I'm finally 40-ish and I think it's fabulous! Pain and suffering are two things I have embraced because in walking through them, I am learning to live life to the fullest. One. Day. At. A. Time.