Peter Chianca: 25 reasons to be sort-of thankful in 2013

Monday

Nov 25, 2013 at 12:01 AMNov 25, 2013 at 10:49 AM

I know that it’s sometimes not easy to be thankful these days, what with the languishing economy, and global warming, and our dysfunctional government, and rampant gun violence, and … I’m sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yes, being thankful. Though it sometimes may seem otherwise, you really should be, for any or all of the following reasons.

Peter Chianca / At Large

I know that it’s sometimes not easy to be thankful these days, what with the languishing economy, and global warming, and our dysfunctional government, and rampant gun violence, and … I’m sorry, what was I talking about?

Oh yes, being thankful. Though it sometimes may seem otherwise, you really should be, for any or all of the following reasons:

1. The last time you crashed a website you didn’t take millions of people’s health insurance down with you, probably.

2. Your job doesn’t require you to take steroids or dope your blood in order to compete, so you can just do it for fun.

3. You are incapable of shutting down the government, even if you wanted to, darn it.

4. You weren’t the guy who green-lighted the Lone Ranger movie. And if you are … at least you didn’t shut down the government.

5. You don’t play for the Houston Astros. And if you do … at least on retro uniform day you get to look like you just stepped out of the gay pride parade.

6. You don’t have to mount a dash cam in your car to discourage insurance fraud, like they do in Russia. On the down side, you still have to pull over if you want to videotape incoming meteors.

7. The guy who got hired for your old job isn’t way more popular than you. Sorry, Bobby Valentine.

8. You haven’t pissed off the entire city of Boston, and if you have … you’re wicked screwed, pal.

9. No matter how lousy your resume is, it’s bound to be better than M. Night Shyamalan’s. And yet he KEEPS GETTING WORK.

10. Whatever you may have done to annoy your boss this year, it probably hasn’t forced you to flee the country and move to Russia. And if it has … you better get a dash cam.

11. Photographers didn’t have their lenses trained on your pregnant belly for nine months, and when your baby was born, you didn’t have to name him George.

12. When you go out for a ride on your motorcycle, you don’t have to try to balance a naked Kim Kardashian on your handlebars. That would be hard.

13. The guy who got hired for your old job isn’t way, way more popular than you. Sorry, Pope Benedict.

14. You weren’t the guy who green-lighted the movie where Sylvester Stallone plays the super high-tech prison designer who gets wrongfully incarcerated and must team with grizzled inmate Arnold Schwarzenegger to engineer a daring escape, and then they fall in love. OK, I made up that last part, but I think it would have made a better movie.

15. You didn’t base your fourth-quarter profit projections on the success of the “Wii U,” whatever that is.

16. When you smoke crack in one of your drunken stupors, people barely notice.

17. Every time you get up in front of a group of people, someone doesn’t ask you about how many times you tweeted your underpants, no matter how many times you’ve done it.

18. You didn’t bet your life savings that Angie Miller would win “American Idol.” Boy, did we learn that the hard way.

19. You haven’t spent the last four years waiting for the Jonas Brothers reunion tour. And if you have … I’m sorry, you’re beyond help.

20. When you’re doing demolition work, you don’t have to try to balance a naked Miley Cyrus on your wrecking ball. It wouldn't be that hard, but it would be wrong.

21. You didn’t base your fourth-quarter profit projections on the success of “Rock Center with Brian Williams,” whatever that is.

22. Even if you shot somebody this year, at least it didn’t cost you your $12 million NFL contract. So, good going!

23. You didn’t bet your life savings that scientists would never discover an actual Higgs boson particle. Boy, did we learn that the hard way.

24. Whatever’s lacking in your life, you no longer have to worry about it because you can just make it with a 3-D printer now.

25. The NSA isn’t monitoring all your … Oh, who are we kidding? Hi NSA!

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites and author of “Glory Days: Springsteen’s Greatest Albums.” Follow him on Twitter at @pchianca.