Have you ever worried or contemplated about what kind of gift
you should give to a religious friend, especially those who think atheists
and freethinkers will go to Hell? Well not to worry. I have a
few gift ideas below that should work to offend even the best
of your friends or family members.

Note, you should give these gifts only to those who have unfairly
criticized your religion, atheism, etc. or to those who have
preached to you without your permission. These gift ideas provide
a little Tit-for-Tat that should put these intolerant folks in
their place (at least temporarily). Do not give these to those
loving tolerant Christians that don't or can't understand the
dangers of religion.

It's all for the sake of humor for the humorless, even if
it's only you that gets the joke.

Christmas

Oh Christmas, that dark and wintery day when Christians celebrate
the birth of the Bastard Virgin Jesus who would later end up
inventing the idea of Eternal Hell and saying bad things to Jews
and unbelievers. Since Christmas is supposed to celebrate the
birth of Jesus, why not give a gift that relates to his life?
Here are a few ideas that should educate your religious opponents
with a little humor to break their intransigence.

If you want a great gift to give to your Christian friends, then you can't
do better than Richard Dawkins best selling book, "The
God Delusion." It's a subtile way of telling your friend that
he or she is deluded too. Read my review here.

The God Who Wasn't There DVD

What better way to celebrate Christmas than to give an historical
film account of Christianity? Ex-fundamentalist Brian Flemming's
documentary explains the deeply hidden truth about Christianity:
that there exists no evidence for a historical Jesus of the New
Testament! This should liven up your wintery Christmas that will
bring tears to your family members with a heated debate about
the origins of the little baby Jesus.

For a review of this film, click here.
To see the movie trailer, click here.
To purchase the DVD, click here.

Book of The Sayings of the Young Jesus

This thoughtful gift will show your respect for their religion.
At least at first.

The only problem is that the book has nothing but blank pages!

Of course no one has the slightest idea of what the alleged
Jesus said during his young life and this book makes a point
of illustrating that.

You can purchase blank books from various book supply stores and
have them embossed with whatever title you like.

Nativity Egg

Christians love to celebrate the birth of the little baby
Jesus. Why not consider giving them a Nativity scene, but not
exactly what they might expect. Get the largest Nativity scene
you can afford (a lawn Nativity scene works best), but instead
of a baby Jesus, replace him with an egg! This will surely puzzle
your Christian target to no end.

If asked for an explanation, tell them that on the night of
the Holy Conception, Mary saw a white dove descending from heaven
and then she felt it entering her body. The Holy Ghost thought
it would be funny to disguise Himself as a bird. Then the Holy
Ghost bird raped the hell out of her and she became pregnant.
So you thought that it was appropriate to use an egg because
Jesus was probably half bird. Also say that you used an Easter
egg because you thought it would be cool to connect Christmas
with Easter.

The Nativity Egg gag should produce gales of laughter all
around.

Menstruating Mary Statue

No doubt you've heard of the blood weeping statues of Mary
(to see an example, click here).
But how many times have you seen her weeping through her immaculate
vagina? I'll bet you never have, have you?

This miracle wonder should bring throngs of Catholics to the
home of your gift receiving friend. (Angry Catholics, perhaps,
but throngs of them nevertheless.)

Tell your Catholic target that you had this statue for years
when it started to menstruate as if by a divine miracle. And
since you're not religious, you thought it would be appropriate
as a gift to a Catholic who could appreciate it more than you.
Suggest putting the statue in a booth similar to those used in
porn shops where the voyeur drops in a coin to get a glimpse
of a porn star. A Holy peep show should make your Christian friend
rich beyond his or her wildest prayers.

You can purchase a plastic "Our Lady of Grace" statue
here.
Simply brush on some fake blood onto the statue and have fun.

If they complain that the vagina doesn't "weep," just shrug
your shoulders and say, "I guess it's not that time of the
month."

The Sounds of Saint Mary

Give your friend a CD of the Sounds of St. Mary, but don't
explain the contents until they hear it. After they unwrap their
present, hand them a CD player and ask them to play it. The first
track they'll hear is of a woman screaming and repeating the
words, "Oh God, NO, NO!" <the music of "Silent
Night" is playing in the background>. The entire CD is
filled with pain, suffering and orgasmic pleasure sounds.

The CD come with a liner note card with the sound tracks:

Sound Tracks:

1. Mary's Rape (The horrendous sounds of
Mary being raped by God) [10:15]

2. Mary's Birth Agony (The sounds of Mary
screaming in pain while giving birth to the baby Jesus) [14:58]

4. Mary at the Crucifixion (Mary screaming
and crying as her Son is being crucified. Jesus in the background
is screaming too) [16:32]

5. Mary in mourning (Mary wailing at the
death of her Son. The disciples in the background are sobbing
like little girls) [12:12]

You can't actually buy this CD so you'll have
to make one yourself. Fortunately, with the ease of CD recording
software on the market, this is easy to do. Record the screaming
sounds from a horror movie and the orgasmic sounds from one of
your favorite porn movies (or get a girl friend to act out the
sounds), and simply burn it onto a recordable CD. What fun!

Mother Marywith the Holy Child Jesus Christ

Oil and canvas by Adolf Hitler, 1913

What better gift could you possibly give to celebrate the
birth of Jesus than a picture of Mary with the baby Jesus? This
beautiful painting was done by a fellow Christian, Adolf Hitler,
in 1913.

Download the enlarged picture here
(9.16" x 6.38" at 72 pixels per inch) and print it
out on a photo quality printer and frame it.

For added fun, don't tell them who the artist was until after
they have hung it on their wall for awhile. Oh the hilarity that
will ensue!

Faith Test Bottle of Poison

Here is a wonderful and practical gift to test the faith of any Christian. According to the Bible, Jesus says in Mark 16:18:

"if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them."

That's right. Those who are baptized and believe will not get sick or die even if they drink a deadly poison.

This bottle is actually filled with a poison that will kill a human within minutes (unless Jesus is right and you are a believer).

Imagine if every Christian took this test, we could separate all the True Christians from the false ones. Surely all True Christians would be happy to take this test. If they refuse the test, then you can be pretty sure that they have no real faith, and then you can welcome them to the world of unbelievers.

As a bonus, tell them that if they drink this poison and are not harmed, then you will abandon atheism and become a Christian.

Lump of Coal

This is an old traditional Christmas standby but it still
makes a great holiday gift for those who deserve it.

Actually the product at the right is called "Chocolate
Lump of Coal" from Maramor, but instead of giving your
friend candy, replace the chocolate with real coal lumps and
paint over the word "chocolate" on the box as I did
on the illustration.

To make the point even stronger, especially for those who
wanted a diamond ring, just put a single lump of coal in a brown
paper bag and write, in pencil, "A diamond in the rough,
Merry Christmas" on the bag. Tell them they'll have to wait
awhile before it turns to diamond.

Blessing Certificate

If you're a cheapskate but at the same time you want to give
the most valuable gift possible, then consider giving a blessing
certificate. Every Christian knows that the love of money is
the root of all evil, so instead, give your blessing which is
far more valuable than money or any material object, right?

Oh Good Friday, that happy time of year when Christians celebrate
the slow painful blood spurting slaughter of Jesus nailed to
two pieces of lumber. Of course Crucifixes and Crosses make a
wonderful gift to commemorate the blood fest but how boring and
unoriginal. I have a few other ideas.

Although these gifts work better around Good Friday and Easter
because they celebrate the suicidal death of Jesus and his escape,
you can also give them as Christmas presents. After all, they're
about Jesus so what the hell.

Thigh Bone of Jesus

In Medieval times, Churches used to promote their religion
by displaying the bones of saints, a piece of wood from the "true"
cross of Jesus, etc. This was quite an industry back then and
it brought in a lot of people into their churches. In fact, it's still in practice today (see: The Family Jewels). Why not "find" a Christian relic of your own?

Here's what you do. Get a pig or cow thigh bone from your
local butcher shop and strip all the meat from it. Then put it
in a glass case and make a metal label engraved with: "Thigh
Bone of Jesus, circa 33 A.D." If they ask you why it's so small, tell
them that Jesus was a midget.

It had to happen. Entrepreneurs from Los Angeles are seeking
to market wine with a "Jesus Juice" label.

The label shown here is not the actual one they propose but
you can read all about it here.

But wouldn't it make a wonderful holiday gift? If the LA marketing
campaign fails, not to worry. Purchase a small bottle of wine
and tear the label off. Replace it with the label on the right
(just print out the label and glue it to the bottle.)

Bottle of Jesus' Divine Blood

This one is extreme compared to the Jesus Juice above. Instead
of wine, this is a bottle of actual Lamb's blood transubstantiated
by priests. It's better than wine because it tastes more like
the real thing.

What you do is purchase wine encased in a box that looks canonical
(something like the wine in a wooden box shown here). Then you
empty the wine (into your stomach, of course) and replace it
with lambs blood. I suggest using lambs blood because it has
religious significance; Jesus was the sacrificial lamb, you see.

The easy part is getting lamb's blood from a butcher. The
hard part is getting a priest to consecrate the blood. Not because
blood is difficult to consecrate, mind you, but because not many
priests will be willing to do this for "moral" reasons
(ha-ha-ha). (Actually transubstantiated blood should be easier
to consecrate than wine because it's already blood, right?).
If you can't get a priest to do this, surely one of those molester
priests would be willing to consecrate it for you. No doubt they
need money for their defense lawyers. Make sure you get a signed
affidavit stating that they actually performed the offertorium
(the ritual of transubstantiation).

If you can't get the transubstantiation, what the hell, just
tell your friend that it's transubstantiated. They won't be able
to tell the difference.

Of course your friend will think you're joking but when they
actually taste it, you'll be in tears of laughter as they find
out you weren't joking.

The Passion of the Christ DVD with Eucharist
Snacks

This snuff film is perhaps the most violent film ever made.
Almost the entire movie is about torture, pain, suffering, and
death, just the kind of thing Christians love.

The DVD is a popular gift but why stop there? Along with the
DVD give something to eat while enjoying the blood fest.

Most movie goers eat popcorn, cola and Jujubees but they are
unhealthy, sinful and pagan. Instead, why not eat the flesh and
blood of Christ while watching Jesus being tortured and crucified?
After all, that's what its all about. According to the New Testament,
Jesus wants you to eat him. You should enjoy yourself
at His expense. After all, He died for you, right? What could
be better than that?

You can purchase Eucharist bread (Jesus flesh) and wine (Jesus
blood) at your local church supply store, but this can get expensive.
Instead just purchase some wine (or Jesus Juice) and crackers
from the grocery store. No one will notice the difference and,
not only is more nourishing, it tastes better too.

Jesus Christ Porn Star DVD

This is a great gift to give to your homophobic Christian friends.

What an epiphany! Who knew that Jesus was into kinky gay sex? Actually it shouldn't really surprise anyone considering that Jesus hung around with twelve men, wore a long flowing linen gown, and then there's that gay naked play described in Mark 14:51-52.

This film gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Jesus loves you." Passio, directed by Matthias Von Fistenberg, shows extreme anal sex, bondage & discipline, and a feast-of-flesh during the Last Supper. Let's not forget that during the Supper, Jesus said to his disciples, "Eat Me." (John 6:53-55)

This film will surely cause Christians to come out of the closet and kneel before the crucified Jesus with a love stronger than they've ever known before (of course the clergy has known that Jesus was gay for a long time).

Now here's a thoughtful gift for Good Friday. Viewing Mel
Gibson's Passion of the Christ is one thing but you can only watch
the torture of Christ. What if you could actually act out the Passion
yourself? Well, here's the solution. The Crucify Christ Kit comes with
all the necessary items needed to simulate the crucifixion of Jesus on
the cross. Note, the robe of Jesus comes off, revealing a naked Christ
with a very small penis (so as not to offend the religious folk). Assemble
the crown-o-thorns onto Jesus' head and pretend he's carrying the cross
to his death. Then drag the naked Jesus onto the wooden cross and hammer
him with a realistic looking Roman tack stakes (the kit comes with hammer
and extra tacks). The kit even comes with fake blood so you can splatter
the body of Jesus with his own blood. Then as a coup-de-grace,
stab Jesus in his side with a spear (just as it's described in the Bible).
Oh what religiously gruesome fun for the kids.

Jesuswitch (Jesus Light Switch)

This gives a whole new interpreation to Jesus' saying, "Suffer the little children to come unto me."

As every priestly pedophile knows, Jesus has a hard-on for children. What better way to express your love for Jesus than to turn him on?

That's right, every time you turn on your bedroom light, you can turn on Jesus with a flick of your finger. The switch will remain in an upward erect state until you turn him off again.

Have you noticed that Jesus never answers your prayers? Well, that's because he hates you, especially if you're a conservative Christian. Why does he hate Christians so much? Because Jesus is Jewish and they keep pretending he's a damned Christian. He's also a liberal and he's especially pissed off at people wearing those damn crosses that remind him of his torture.

Give your Christian friend this T-shirt so that they'll understand that Jesus hates them too.

In the middle ages self-flagellation served as a discipline
as a measure of mortification and penance for monks. St. Dominic
Loricatus and St. Peter Damian, for example, flogged themselves
in public. The Flagellants movement created much excitement among
the religious populace. Why not bring back this exhilarating
religious tradition back into the world of Christianity? Flogging
for Christ, what a catchy idea!

A self-flagellation whip would make a wonder holiday gift
for a priest or minister. If they don't know what to do with
it, offer to demonstrate the device on their bare back. Tell
them that this is going to hurt you more than it hurts them.
Whip them until they begin to bleed. Then hand them the whip and say, "Now
you try it."

Knee Pads for Praying

This is a great gift for your religious friends who kneel
and pray a lot.

It's best to get the bulkiest and ugliest knee pads you can
find. Then paint a cross on the front side. Tell them these pads
are similar to the one's that St. Peter wore.

Chastity Belt for Priests

This gift is for pedophile Priests. Give them something that
shows you care.

The chastity belt comes with a lock and key. This helps prevent
your priest from molesting a child, thus preventing anyone from
accusing your priestly friend of child sex abuse.

Gruesome Crucifix Necklace

Why in the world do women think that cross necklaces look
good on them? Don't they realize a cross represents an instrument
of torture and execution? Whenever I see a woman wearing a cross,
it automatically turns me cold. Either they are ignorant, in
favor of suffering, or they are actually dumb enough to think
it's attractive. It's not.

Women, listen: if you want to look more attractive, take
off that damn cross. Your attractiveness index will improve
by at least two points. If you wish to advertise your Christianity,
wear a dove or fish symbol, instead.

But if your target insists on wearing a cross, why not emphasize
the idea by giving them a more realistic one?

This gruesome crucifix is based on a painting by Mathias Grunewald
in the 16th century (when they really enjoyed torture and pain).
It's perhaps the most horrifying depiction of a crucifixion ever
made (until Mel Gibson's movie, of course). To see the horrific
details of the painting, click here.

This crucifix pendent is larger than most, just big enough to
make it awkward and obvious. Unfortunately you can't purchase
this crucifix, as it's only a PhotoShop representation. (Jewelers,
get busy!)

This symbol of Christ would be a great Mother's day gift or to your mom on any Christian holiday.

This is an original Nazi Mother's Christian cross given by Hitler as an award to women who gave birth to Aryan children during his campaign to abolition abortions. A mother could be awarded a bronze, silver, or gold cross depending on the number of children she bore. There was even a Golden cross encrusted with diamonds that was awarded to a small number of women who bore 12 or more children.

Imagine the look of your mom as you give her this metal to honor her and her large family. Have her wear it to church!

You can purchase a Nazi Mother's Cross as various WWII regalia outlets. [example]

Dildos for Jesus

"Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."
(Psalm 23:1-6) Give a dildo for Jesus this holiday. What a thoughtful
gift idea for your sexually uptight loved ones. What better way
to celebrate Christ than by enacting out a sexual experience
with Him. Imagine it as the Penis of Christ as it thrusts into
your immaculate vagina (or Jesus raping your bum, if you're into
that sort of thing). You can purchase these marvelous religious
utensils from Divine
Interventions.

Ball Gag for Christian women

The Bible teaches that women should learn silence with all subjection (see 1 Tim. 2:11-14). Women should also keep silent in churches. It is not permitted for them to speak. In fact they are commanded to be under obedience. (see 1 Cor. 14:34). Naturally, some women will complain, so a ball gag will aid in their subjection.

Imagine how proud the husband will feel walking his speechless ball-gagged wife into Church as his fellow parishioners look at him with envy.

Ball gags are also useful during forced sex. Never let a woman say 'no' while raping a female captive as allowed in Deut. 21:10-14.

You can purchase a ball gag from any Christian S&M shop.

Ball Gag for the Noisy Christian Child

Not to leave out the children, give your screaming kid a baby ball gag for Christmas.

Christians throughout history have taught that children should be seen but not heard. Now the parents can enforce this rule by shoving this Godly baby ball gag down their 'charming' little throats.

This is a great card gift idea for your more racist religious
friends or family members.

The frontside depicts a Black Jesus Christ as a slave. The
inside reveals the Lord's prayer translated into Ebonics.

You can't purchase this card but you can make one easily.

Print out the Big Daddy's Rap onto the rightside of a white
hard stock paper cut to the size of a card, and fold in the middle.

Then scale to fit and printout this
picture and paste it onto the frontside of the card.

Christmas Baby Card

If one of your religious friends has one of those foul little
feces making machines (some people call them "babies"),
especially the ones who cry a lot, consider giving them this
thoughtful Christmas card.

As an added bonus, include a large rock along with the card.
Aren't blessings wonderful?

[Note, the Bible verse actually appears in the Bible.]

Stained Glass Sin

There's something deeply disturbing about these two stained
glass windows, but I'll leave it up to you to figure them out.

Nevertheless, these would make great images to put on Christmas
cards, wouldn't they?

Sarah Palin's Faith-Based Birth Control Pills

Sarah Palin's Faith-Based Birth Control Pills are perfect for those who would rather pray and abstain than deal with Reality. No pills to swallow: The only thing you have to swallow is that Faith-Based bullshit!

The Bottle is filled with a guilt sheet featuring a picture of Jesus with the reminder: "Remember, Jesus is watching you have sex. Pray for forgiveness." It's sure to work as well as the birth control method Sarah's daughter was on when she got pregnant. Order several and pass them out to your friends.

For your Mormon friends, these fashionalbe underwear items will protect them from harm. I kid you not. According to Latter Day Saints (Mormons), these religious undergarments are sacred and God will protect Mormons who wear them.

Note, you can give this gift to non-Mormons (even atheists) because they will provide the exact same level of protection as they do for Mormons. How could this be? Because they don't work.

Religious leaders have been selling their crap to us for centuries. Now you, too, can profit from the gullible masses. Denny O. Theeves tells you how in his revealing new book. It's fun and people will think you are a prophet when you are really raking in a profit (get it?).

This book may not exist, but then, neither does god. But that shouldn't stop you from selling crap to Christians.

I haven't forgotten the Jews. Most Jewish folks don't force
their religion on others like the Christians, but a few can be
pretty intimidating. This one makes a great Passover gift (Passover
is the celebration of God killing all the firstborns of Egypt
as He "passed over" the chosen ones.)

Did you know that orthodox Jews are so strict about marital
sex that they have sex through a hole in a sheet? Why not give
this gift of love to your best uptight Jewish friend?

Actually there's no truth to the "hole-in-sheet"
rumor at all, but that won't stop you from pretending that it's
true. If they argue about its authenticity, explain to them that
the hole-in-sheet idea is secretly hidden in the Torah and only
Kabbalah interpretation can reveal it.

This belief apparently started with the1992 film Como agua
para chocolate (Like Water For Chocolate), which is set in
the late 1800s. Following the wedding of a young Mexican couple,
a scene from their wedding night shows the new wife nervously
arranging a sheet with a hole, over herself. The hole-in-sheet
also appeared in a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode on
HBO.

For a nice touch, include a condom along with this gift.

Handmade Burka

Be the first on your block to give your Islamic friend a genuine Afgan Islamic Burka. When they try it on, tell them they look much better.

What better gift could you possibly give to a Muslim than a t-shirt with an Islamic theme? If they get angry and tell you that it's against Islam to portray any image of the prophet Muhammad, just tell them it's not Muhammad, but an image that looks exactly like a New York city taxi cab driver.

You'll get chuckles and guffaws when you present this Bush Voodoo doll to your Pro-Bush Christian friend. It's also funny because giving a pagan gift to a Christian goes so contrary to their beliefs. If you present this gift to someone at a company holiday party, it should produce interesting comments (as well as forcing new job opportunities for you).

Yes, I know, I know: the penis is way too large for Bush, but at least the testicles are a good representation. (You can always cut off the penis to its proper size. Ouch!).

The doll comes complete with pins & instructions. Now they can torture Bush just the way he allowed torture in his military.

The Bush face doesn't come with the doll, but simply cut out a picture of Bush from a magazine and simply paste it to the doll. Of course you can also paste a face of any other Republican criminal like Cheney, Rumsfeld, or Karl Rove, etc., but Bush was the Criminal-In-Chief.

This book describes the art of vaginal fisting, an intimate form of
sex that involves inserting the entire hand into the vagina. It's been
long practiced by lesbians, bisexuals and heterosexuals alike. Faithful
people of religion probably never heard of such a thing. Now you can
enlighten their sex lives with this thoughtful gift. Now they too can
reach for God into the Holiest of Holies.

A Gift for Atheists and non-believers

Jesus commands to "give every man that asketh of thee" (see Luke 6:30).

Well, as a non-believer and one who accepts this thoughtful gesture by Jesus, I hearby ask every Chrisitan who reads this to give me all your money. Please make your check out to Jim Walker.