Now that MTV has canceled The Jersey Shore, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has to find other ways to spend her time until she finishes her metamorphosis into a Boca Raton grandmother. And one of those ways is offering mommy advice on her “Celebaby Report” on MTV’s website. Amazingly, on a network that is famous for celebrating pregnant teenagers who go on to become anal squirting porn stars, this actually seems pretty normal.

This week’s Celebaby Report focuses on our boy Channing Tatum and his new daughter, Everly, and Snooki has plenty of groundbreaking advice on how to raise this little girl so she won’t grow up to get punched at bars.

Among the finer points of Snooki’s advice:

Do not crush the kid. Naturally, this comes with a comment about how he has REALLY big hands, followed by “And I know your wife must be extremely satisfied” because who doesn’t like to think about flicking the bean when discussing a newborn child?

No holding her like Simba. Because she might puke on you, and that’s mommy’s job when she gets back from Wet Republic.

Don’t worry if the baby cries. “She’s probably just starving or she needs to take a sh*t.”

Don’t slack on diaper duties, because babies poop a lot.

There’s a whole part where Snooki’s talks about the baby’s female baby business and it’s… weird.

Finally, she tells C-Tates to keep his hands off of his wife, Jenna Dewan-C-Tates, until she’s had proper time to rest, because he needs to “give that sore vag some time to heal”. In all, it’s not terrible advice – especially because there isn’t anything about heating the baby’s Jagermeister or advice on how long to wait before the next boob job.

I’d actually like to see someone raise a child based solely on Snooki’s advice. I bet that kid could grow up to be president of a fan club.

“Snooki has plenty of groundbreaking advice on how to raise this little girl so she won’t grow up to get punched at bars.” coffee spit take complete
Next episode of Celebrity Parenting Advice is January Jones…