Half of U.S. fifth graders cannot locate map of world

WASHINGTON DC – Researchers from top national universities released a joint report today concluding that roughly half of all U.S. fifth graders were unable to locate a map of the world, when one was present in the same room.

The study, which took over fifteen years to complete, was conducted in controlled laboratory environments. Students were directed into empty rooms with white walls and a large map of the world attached to one of the walls. Students were then requested, via a small speaker mounted in the ceiling, to “point at” the map of the world.

Forty-eight percent of students incorrectly pointed at one of the bare walls, began crying, or both.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said research Bernard Bultrand. “We are witnessing a generation of students who are growing up scarcely aware they live on a planet or even what that planet looks like in illustrated, geopolitical forms.”

“One kid we brought in here – a straight ‘A’ student – after three minutes, started running in circles yelling ‘Nintendo DS! Nintendo DS!’,” Bultrand said. “We quickly opened the door and he finally came to his senses.”

Scientists concluded in their report that a likely cause was the approaching reforms expected within the nation’s health insurance industry. “Honestly, we have no idea why this is happening. Good science demands that we keep testing. But in the meantime we’ll rely on convenient scapegoats like everyone else,” Bultrand said.