Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn’t relate to me—or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, ‘How are we listening to this? It’s completely irrelevant.’

Dude, Lana Del Rey sings about blue jeans and video games, so I don’t know what the hell Lorde is thinking. But I agree with her other points. I wonder if Minaj will miss the point and take this personally and respond like she’s dealing with Mariah again.

I’m mostly team Lorde, but she had no ground to throw Lana under the bus with Nicki and Drake, especially since Ms. Del Rey praised Lorde saying she wished her album, Born To Die was as good as Lorde’s Pure Heroin. Personally, I think Lana’s is miles better, though Lorde’s is great. I think Lorde is crazy-talented. And fine, yes, I love Lana. The End.

Miley Cyrus may be a “big star” at the moment due to her bullshit antics and willingness to get naked at every turn, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t some artists who aren’t interested in her fuckery. Put Gwen Stefani‘s name at the top of that list. You see, Miley wanted to duet with Gwen for her album, but instead she ended up with Britney Spears because apparently that’s how God wanted it or something.

Songwriter Sean Garrett penned Miley’s ‘SMS’ track (which sucks, by the way), and explained to MTV News that they wanted both Gwen and Nicki Minaj on the track but Britney was the best they can do. No shade to Britney, bless her, but… she’s not necessarily the most discerning creature.

“The first name that we tossed around was Gwen Sefani. We were talking about Gwen because you know Gwen got that edge too, but that’s how God works. We were throwing around those ideas,” Garrett said on Wednesday (October 9) about the song he helped pen with Mike Will Made It. “Nicki, we were talking about putting Nicki on there too. That would’ve been nuts too, but I think that’s how God works, this was absolutely the right one.”

“It’s like five different things, it’s hip-hop, it’s the girls, it’s a female anthem, Salt-n-Pepa, Britney and Miley… people didn’t get that.”

First of all, no. Do not dare compare Miley’s corny ass to hip-hop greats like Salt-n-Pepa. Like, take their names out of your mouth. Second of all, God didn’t will Britney spears onto that song – I guarantee you both Gwen and Nicki gave it a big HELL NO and they just had to go with it.

I think Bangerz is quite good in very small parts. I like the singles, I like the opening track and there are one or two others on the album that are listenable, but some of it is downright offensive to ears to have to listen to. That ’4×4′ song with Nelly makes me want to throw myself out a window. ‘SMS’ is “okay” but there’s a reason those ladies didn’t take part in it, and I assure you the Lord had nothing to do with it.

Though summer’s technically not over, I think it’s time to take a look back at everything that happened these summer months. There was a LOT. What do you think was the most shocking? The most WTF? The best fashion moment? Let’s vote!

One could never accuse Nicki Minaj of a lack of self-confidence. In a way, it’s sort of refreshing, if not expected – especially for a female in rap – but that doesn’t make it any less obnoxious at times. Case in point: Nicki is releasing a new perfume range, entitled… (wait for it)… MINAJESTY. You know, like ‘Her Majesty’ but with Nicki’s name put in it, since she’s a Queen and runs this shit, etc. Insert eye-roll here.

I’m not a fan of celebrity fragrances (though admittedly, Jennifer Aniston‘s is rather nice) and don’t really understand why they all feel the need to release one. Sure, it’s another way to get easy money because God knows stans are desperate and will buy any shit their idol is pedaling, but it’s just not good.

Nicki released the photo of the bottle on her Instagram page on Monday, also revealing that it’ll be available this fall. Want to know what it smells like? Well, here’s her description of it:

“#Minajesty smells like a passionate love affair. Mysterious and sexy. An unforgettable and hypnotizing scent.”

Something tells me I’ll wish I could forget it. She collaborated with Elizabeth Arden (the company, not the person) on the smell, which features “sultry floral gourmand with luscious fruits and luxurious fresh florals, draped in creamy vanilla and pure musks”. Blech, I feel like vomiting already. Seriously, that description makes me feel nauseous.

Speak up – are there ANY good celebrity scents? If so, which are your favs and which are the absolute worst?

I’ve been a fan of Nicki Minaj for years, back since the mix tape days, but she sorta lost me a bit over the past couple of years. However, she recently won me over again after an interview she gave at Hot 97, during which she revealed that she’s done with the pop and ready to get back to her rap roots. That’s obviously not why she won me over (though it doesn’t hurt) – what did remind me of just why I loved Nicki from the beginning is how smart and straightforward she is and how unwilling she is to let anyone talk her down or make her feel small – especially not men. Get it, girl.

Anyhow, the point off all that is that Nicki gave a hilarious interview to Marie Claire in which she offered advice to fans on how to best handle men (via US Weekly):

“Don’t chase any man. Put your school first,” she advises. “Men love independent women. You don’t have to be a bitch, but there’s nothing wrong with it at times. And: Men are kids at heart. They want to be nourished and pet like a dog.”

That’s great advice. I have friends now, even at nearly 30, who are so desperate for a relationship that they come off as absolutely desperate and go for men who are terrible for them and make all kinds of excuses just so that they’re not alone. The best, most attractive thing is, incidentally, doing your own thing. As for the whole being pet like a dog thing, that’s obviously not really my forte. Gentlemen…?

Miley is going through some shit right now, so I’ve tried to remain patient until she gets it out of her system. Let her twerk, pop molly, smoke weed until she can’t see straight, whatever. It’s not hurting anyone (besides the entire culture she’s appropriating, but we won’t go there), so no harm done. Except she just keeps getting more and more ridiculous and now she’s trying to claim that she’s actually like Lil Kim on the inside. Uh…………………………………… no.

“In my past life, I feel like that was me. I feel like Lil Kim is who I am on the inside. She just makes me happy… I just love her and I can’t help that I love her.”

WHAT? But before we discuss this, there’s more:

“I have to put Nicki as [my fourth favorite] because I had Kim,” she said. “You can’t choose one, so if you say Kim, then you’ve got to say Nicki. And Nicki is now the Lil Kim of my generation.”

Okay, there are so many things wrong with all of this.

1. Your little white ass – who had never so much as heard a single Jay-Z song when singing about him in ‘Party In the USA’ is nothing like Lil Kim, who in 1996 at the age of 22, released one of the most AMAZING female rap albums that was also one of the most lewd, raw shit you will ever hear (and that’s a compliment). Seriously, as a 12-year-old I had no business listening to songs that had ‘I don’t want d*ck tonight/eat my p*ssy right’ as a chorus, but best believe I LOVED it. Miley was 4 when that album came out, which is not to say that you can’t like things that are before your time, but SERIOUSLY HOW IS SHE ANYTHING LIKE LIL KIM?

2. Nicki is definitely not this generation’s Lil Kim. I mean, she is insofar as the fact that she’s the most prominent female rapper in the game right now, but their careers are literally nothing alike, side from the fact that they’re both from NYC and came up through mix tapes and a larger crew (Nicki with Wayne, Kim with Junior Mafia/BIG).

I get that I’m thinking about this way too much and this is not a rap theory blog, but my brain is going to spontaneously combust if Miley keeps this shit up.

Nicki Minaj‘s hypeman S.B. (Scaff Breezy) originally shared the above photo on his Twitter, because, I dunno, why not? Nicki retweeted it for the same reasons and now we all know more about what exactly Nicki Minaj’s boobs are like. Hurrah!

The shot was apparently a “throwback” to a shoot Nicki did for W magazine. I’m not sure why anyone needed to see this or why you would want anyone to see this, but whatever. Congrats on the nice jugs, I guess?

If this is the kind of stuff she’s doing to stay relevant after leaving American Idol, then God help us all.