Category: Thursday’s Online Diary Entries

I can’t go further than this I just want oh so badly it’s my biggest wish. I spend my time just thinking about you every single day yes really because I’m really missing missing you. All of those things that we used to do just me and you. Can you meet me half way right on the borderline that’s where I am going to wait for you because I’ll be looking out every night and day: take my heart to the limit, and this where I’m going to stay. I can’t go further than this due my heart wrapped in chains I want you so bad it’s my only wish.
You tell me you travel the world and even sailed the sevens seas that laid across universe to visit the other galaxies; you tell me to tell you where to go so you can meet me there, as you can navigate yourself to where I am and girl I want to be you right now.
You travel up the town and down the town trying to find me because you like to have me around like every single day as you love me always. So I’ll meet you halfway right on the borderline like I told you before if you ever listened to me; as you walked a crossed the bridge to the other side, you found me like it was only just you and I in a film scene and no one around. You wrapped you’re arms around me not letting me go. You said to me you’ll fly in the skies for me and you. I will die until I die for me and you.
Meet me half way right on the borderline that’s where I’m going to be waiting for you I’ll be looking out every night and day; taking my heart to the limit and this is where I’ll stay for you to come and rescue me, as I can’t go any further than this I want only so bad it’s my only wish. Yet you came and break these chains of my heart.

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Putting my defences up because every time I fall in love I just have a heart attack or a panic attack when I get hurt or think I’m going to get hurt. I seem to never learn when I put my heart out on the line because I always say “yes” if I really like the guy but actually the trouble is I get taken for a mug that’s my trouble. That’s when I realise am I really ever good enough when it comes to you?
I don’t care when the guys are after me because I know that when I’m actually know what I’m doing it but as soon as something bad happens; I won’t wash my hair for days missing it making like I’m bouncing a basketball, you make me act like how I use to be when you set me off from a heart attack thinking that you love me to a panic attack. You make me feel so ashamed of myself like I just can’t hold on to your hand anymore.
You use to make me glow make me feel like I shouldn’t cover it up but now I’ll just show my scares that you make me have because you make me have panic attacks. Now you why I put my defences up because I don’t want to fall in love if I ever did that I think I would have a heart attack and then a panic attack.
Never break a sweat for any other guy because when you come around I get paralysed even when I try to be myself. It comes out wrong like a cry for help but it’s not fair this pain shouldn’t be more trouble than love is worth as I try gasp for air as I’m having a panic attack it feels good but you know how much they hurt me. The feelings that got lost in my lungs like they are burning up but I’d rather be numb because there’s no one else to blame but myself. So scared that I would take off and I run like I’m flying too close to the sun and burst into flames. I don’t want to feel anymore pain in my life or having anymore panic attacks or heart attacks.

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I’ve seen you twice in a short time it’s only been a week since we started seeing each other to me it’s seems that every time I’m getting more and more open hearted. I was an impossible case to be with because no one could reach me to help; where my anxiety and depression took the toll of me but I think when I see your face there’s a lot that you can teach me, so I wanna know what the name of the game? As I open up too you does that mean anything to you?

What’s the name of the game? Please temp me because I have to know as I’m a very bashful child that’s beginning to grow. The way you make me talk, the way you make me feel and the way you make me show. The fact that I’m trying to conceal but if I put the trust in you would you let me down? Would you laugh at me if I told you that I care for you and that I said that I love you? Would you feel the same way too? It’s just that I want to know.

I just want to know the name of the game because I have no friends no one to see as I’m never invited but now I’m here talking to you. No wonder I get so excited because of the sound of your voice and the way you see through me; got that feeling you have to give me no choice which means a lot to me, I want to know….oh yes I want to know the name of the game because I was an impossible case does it mean anything to you? But I think I can see it in your face because it means a lot to me. What’s the name of the game? Can you feel it the way I do? I’m a curious child it means a lot to me that you made me your choice.

I just want to know….oh yes I just want to know….

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If any man can pick what he fancied he should just live and breed in captivity because it’s just pointless; you love what you’re doing what you like, when you like, how it makes you happy because only you yourself know yourself. What a waste of all this peace when baby steps and two more sleeps until I get the sorry from you because I get hysterical, historical of love like it’s just a chemical thing between us. Give me something to stop me from having a complete melt down from all of the pain only you know me.

Since you went away my heart breaks everyday because you don’t know as you’re not there to see me cry everyday; you simply found the words to make a lot of feelings fade away or model our feelings, only you know me when I need you the most. I’m doing fine most of the time as the sun shines what are you thinking? Yet at state of my mind can go worst than it can go with me drinking thunderbird wine but I’m drinking because you brought back memories that I told you about.

Yet only you know me when I get into the worst state imaginable but sorry doesn’t cut it out anymore as it’s become more comical than anything that I’ve been through. It’s my life that your toying with; along with my happiness, only wish you knew how horrible this feeling is and them you would know how truly I’m feeling. Only you know me and how to calm me down every single day.

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As the midnight draws in there’s no sound from the pavement; just laying there very still and quiet from the upheaval of people walking across it all day long, has the money lost her memory? She’s just smiling all alone no one to greet or say hello too. In the lamps light that shown on parts of the pavement there were leaves collecting at my feet as the winds started to moan like it hasn’t got anyone to push over.
Memory of the moonlight is all alone; I find myself smiling a lot a the good old days, I was so beautiful back then and I remember the time that I knew what happiness was as I let the memory live again. Every streetlamp seems to beat as a fatalistic warning like someone is muttering in the gutters or the street lamps and soon I will be morning.
As the daylight draws near to 6am I know I must wait for the sunrise to come knowing that I must think of a new life; I mustn’t given into it even though I must try but yet as dawn hits the countryside fields, tonight will be just a memory and a new day will begin. The burnt out ends of the smoky days will go stale as the cold fresh air smell starts to creep up on you in the morning; as the street lamps dies you know that another night is now over, replacing it with another day with a new dawn that’s breaking.
Touch me! Is also another sign of someone that’s easy to leave me especially with all of the memories of the days in the sun; if you touch me now with the gentle touch letting me come to you without being frightened; you will know what my happiness is, listen and look I have to go now and hide as a new day has begun and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me even though I want to be happy once more.

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Since I’ve met you I’ve been symphonies all I had ever heard was silence but yet there’s always a rhapsody for me and you; there’s always every melody that seems to be timeless but life was just stringing me along, until that you came into my life to which you found that string and you have started to cut each long bit of the string to cut me loose so that you can be in the centre of my world and now I can’t sing on my own because I can’t find the key without you not being by my side.

Now our song is on repeat making me smile thinking of us in that big ballroom dancing with your heartbeat up against to mine. Yet when your gone I’m left in the middle of the room; I just feel incomplete but if you want the truth I will tell you right now, I just want to be apart of your symphony like you would hold me tight and not let me go. I just want to be part of your symphony like our love song “Sad Song” by We The Kings Feat Elena Coats will you hold me tight and not let go because I’m sorry if it’s all too much everyday that your here I’m healing knowing that I’m not running out of luck.

Yet when you’re not here I’m running out of luck; I’m running around like a lost child because I’m frightened because my insecurities and me going off the rails the thought of that would happen without you. I think I won’t be able to recover from the pain from it all or us but yet we seem to get through anything together. I never thought that these feelings would come back to find me until I hear the symphonies in the winds; I knew it was you saying that your still coming for me because you know it’s too much to bare, you know we’ve got everything worth fighting for and all I heard before was just silence. I hear our a rhapsody and every melody on the radio because it’s so timeless for us.