Everyday thoughts of the girl next door.

Judgmental me?

I would like to think that I am not judgmental of people’s choices and actions. But in the last few weeks I have realised that I am not! I am super judgmental.

I was talking to my cousin and she was telling me about this friend of hers who was forced to have baby #2 by her in-laws and now she cannot take care of the little one because she goes to work. She doesn’t even want to send the baby to a day care because it is expensive. Her solution? She is sending her couple months old baby to India with her parents. This is not a one-off case. I have heard a lot of couples choosing to send their infants back with their grandparents to India. The idea is that the new parents will save money because the mother will go right back to work, and no need to pay for baby-sitter/day care(child care can be very expensive in India). Most such new parents see their child once a year when they visit India. Then, when the kid is of school going age, that is 4 or so, they bring the kid back to the US and enrol him/her in a school. All this while, the kid grows up with grandparents. There are so many things that make me shake my head against this.

#1, why do you want to have a baby when you are not ready to take care of it? Granted there is no one better than your own parents to take care of your child, but don’t you want to follow your baby’s progress? The first tumble, the first smile, the first word? You are missing out on all that by just sending your child far away.

#2 don’t you want your child to have your values? Don’t you want to be responsible for what your kid learns?

#3, don’t your parents have a life? Granted they are probably retired and stay at home all day, but how can you impose your child on them? They have had their childcare days and now it is your turn. If you cannot handle the pressures of rearing a child, don’t have one. It is absolutely selfish to have your parents go through all this. Sure they say that it is their duty and they are more than happy to take care of their grandchild, but surely you know they have a life!

I know it is easy for me to judge people in that situation because I am not in one, have never been in one. What do you all think of this predicament? Are there things I am missing in the whole puzzle? Is it actually better for your child to be raised by grandparents than having to stay in a day care or with a baby sitter the better part of the whole day and you being part time parents?

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39 Responses

At first glance, what you think is what most people would think. Why have a kid if you cant give them time or cannot look after them and all. But I am sure there is more to it than just being concerned about daycare money. For some people, they are just at such an important phase in their career that they cannot afford to take a step back.

I know a couple who are both doctors and are doing their residency in the US. Everyone knows that getting a residency is difficult and then the 3 years are absolutely grueling and need long hours and hard work. She had gotten married late and thus was running out of time to have a kid. When she saw that the kid was getting a lot of time with the baby sitter and too less with the parents, they sent him to India and got him back when he was 3.

I am not taking sides or saying that is the right thing to do. If I had a kid, I would die to see the little baby antics and the toothless smiles. Heck, when I moved into my new home , I was so excited about it for months that I would stay home without going to school for many many days. So imagine how excited I would be for the baby.
All I am saying is , I can understand the majboori of some parents which may lead them to do such things and finally, everyone has their own ways of dealing with stuff and we can never know until we are faced with the same situation.

Why sorry? I want to hear from everyone. Like I mentioned in another comment, I want to try and understand and try not be judgmental about people.
I agree that a familial care is better than daycare/nanny, and as long as the parents don’t worry about what kind of bond the baby has with them, it works I guess. It would never work for some couples I know who want to bond with their babies and instill their values.

I imagined a golu polu baby I read the toothless smile part 🙂 haha LOL at not going out because you loved your home.

Shilpa, this is a very sensitive topic that too for me who is a mother. For some reason i do not buy the logic that its very difficult for a woman to manage kids and job here in US or as a matter of fact anywhere.
I am not saying it out of thin air, i am a mom for a 4yr old kid, and the second one on the way. work in a very competitive field with tons of pressure, husband has a similar work profile. Inspite of that leaving the ocasional moments we are very cool at home, spend good time with our child
In my opinion its unfair on a parents part to leave the child so far away, be it with grandparents. A mother is a mother and a father is a father. No one can change it or replace it.
I know a guy who used to work with him and he was raised by his grandmother for a good part of his life. He cannot call his mom “mother”, he calls her by name and his grandmother is mom for him. His words “never send your kids away, at the end of the day its not good for anyone”.

I remember there was a girl in school who used to live with her grandparents and called them amma and naanna, and her parents were uncle and aunty! She used to say she doesnt like her mom because her mom cared more about the girl who stayed with them!

I totally don’t buy the send-your-kids-to-your-parents. They are not responsible for your baby. Period. I am managing a full fledged career but luckily for me I can work from home part of the time and need to go to work a few hours since I manage a team of 12 people. When I have to go to work, my husband stays home to look after the baby and we do a baton exchange and he leaves once I am home. We are three in our home. Me, my husband and my baby. Luckily my job allows for this flexibility. If it didn’t I’d make sure to move where my in-laws are based so that it is a win-win for everyone. So that is my life story and my take on it.

Whatever it is, it is me who needs to adjust my lifestyle and my routine for the baby. And not my parents or in-laws.

Shilpa, you are not the only one. I cannot help judge parents who do this. I cannot understand the logic of sending one’s child away while one lives and earns somewhere else.. All the points you raise are very valid. Why bring a child into the world, if one if not committed enough to keep the child with you? At the end of the day, a child is it’s parent’s responsibility, how can we pass it to somebody else, even if they are one’s own parents, is beyond me. But funnily enough, it seems to be very popular option – a lot of people seem to be very comfortable with arrangements like this..

I completely agreee with you on all the points. If it is your kid, your responsibility, you take care of him.I rtemember, when I was growing up, me and my 2 sisters were all born within a span of 3 years.
so me being the first kid on my Nani’s side, I was the apple of my Nana’s eyes and he offered to keep me with him for a while so that my mom could care for my sisters. But my mom was adamant on one thing: My daughters, I’ll raise them up any how.”
Every now and then I see some of my friends taking this route. some times, they’ll even force(kind of…) their parents to come here for 6 months so that they can get back to work leaving the kid at home. I kind of do not agree on this too(specially when the parents are forced to come here, just for baby sitting)

Parul parents are so sweet that when they are asked to leave everything and come here for 6 months they do not complain and just come here! Although I think having parents over for something so big is a lot of help, emotionally and physically, and the parents get time to bond with you and the baby too, it is really unfair to exploit them over and over again!

I agree with you…Nothing more selfish than having a baby and then sending him or her away…

My mother was clear about one thing…She told me that she was happy to look after my child for a short period of time if we needed to, but she wouldn’t do it on a long term basis because she had done her bit…

I don’t blame you for being judgmental at all Shilpa. Based on the facts you have provided here, I think I would also be thinking the same things. The only place I felt sympathy for the mother was that she was forced to go have a second baby.

I’m sure the lady didn’t really want to burden her parents with caring for a child. But she’s taken risks here. The main one is of your child not really bonding with you the way she/he will with the grandparents. Also, think of the health issues that the elderly deal with. Diabetes, heart diseases, orthopedic problems. Totally unfair on them and the child. What if, god forbid, one of them suffered a heart attack. Who will take care of the child and the adult?

And why are we blaming the mother alone? What about the father? Doesn’t he have a role in parenting? Or maybe he’s the culprit in the forced pregnancy saga.

Just one point – why didn’t the lady think of having her parents stay with her for an extended time frame?

The point about aged parents having their own medical problems to take care of didn’t even come to mind Deepa. Yeah I felt bad for the mother in question too because she was forced. But tell me how someone else can FORCE you to get pregnant? Doesn’t it sound ridiculous?

Deepa US visitor visa is only for 6 months, and after that you have to go back and can only come back after 6 more months. SO there would be a 6 month gap of childcare thats why these people send their babies away with their parents.

I think you are being judgemental. And I’ll go with comments of Jaya and Divya.

Of course I agree that forcing upon a responsibility of a child on any man or woman is unjust. However leaving your child in day care (in my personal opinion) or worse, sending him back to India for your own selfish reasons is unacceptable.

Believe me, you will never be ready for a kid. I had complained for a fort night when I learnt my wife was pregnant. We had just bought an expensive house on loan and I was new into my job as well. But it ironed out eventually.

Kids are not a burden. They are the very reason for our existence.

I’d like to question your cousin. Why is she so interested in staying back in the US if she cant even afford to have a second child? Hadn’t it been easy to raise a child in India? So much compromise for a false life…

While I should think about crossing the bridge when I come to it, I would still say that I really wouldn’t mind staying home for a few years if the need arose and if I am not comfortable with nanny/daycare options! The point here is not that parents were not ready for the baby, the point is that given that you have a baby how do you deal with it. Like Jaya said in a comment above, the child will grow up to not have a bond with parents, worse call them uncle and aunty. If the parents can live with it, thats their choice.

Yup, its easy to judge. Especially, if that is not a choice that I would make. But, I think lets not have such harsh views for such parents. Sometimes grandparents really nag you into have kids. Even offering to take care of the kids during the initial phase like this. I know an aunt of mine who is nagging my cousin like this for a 2nd baby. She’s saying “When I am ready to take care of the baby for the initial years, what’s their problem? They don’t even have to give up their lifestyle!” As a working mom I don’t spend full time with my kid. I have a nanny for the times when he is at home and I am at office. So I feel, why should I judge parents who send their kids to grandparents? When I am not spending full time, how can I judge that 5 hrs a day is enough. Or 100 days an year is enough? At least they ensure that the baby care is better (than in case of nanny). You know Shilpa, managing career and baby is very tough and I have seen (among collegues and friends) people come up with various solutions which suit them (day care, nanny, staying grand parents, sending the kid to grand parents, mothers quitting their job). To each their own. The only important thing according to me is that the baby grows up healty and happy.

But tomboy, how come a couple that is not ready succumbs to pressure to have more kids? I think both the husband and wife should take responsibility for this situation.
Like you said it is 5 hours a day with your child vs your child being in the care of your parents, I feel like it depends on the kind of bond you want with your baby. If you really don’t care that your baby sees your a few times a year, and then grows up to think his grandparents are like his parents, then it is ok! To each his own indeed!

Oh boy, does this issue hit close to home indeed. I don’t wanna name names but (my husband!) 🙂 was raised by his grandparents and he has a much closer bond with them than his parents. I’d even go so far as to say his grand-mother thinks more of me as a daughter than my actual mother-in-law.
Whenever the topic of people adopting or ‘taking care’ of babies within family(outside of actual parents) comes up, my husband takes a firm stand against it….and I agree with him, especially in this case you mentioned.

shilpa, my parents went to the US when i was an infant, to study, they were there for five years and came back, all in the early and mid 70s. my sibling was born after they returned. i was brought up by my grandparents. Neither did they come back with a fortune nor did I grow up distant from my parents, nor did I confuse them with my grandparents. in fact, we kids continued living with grandparents while my mom and dad lived next door and as we all grew up and got older our parents moved into our house, saw the grandparents off etc etc.
i know other children like this, and am not sure they are particularly damaged, but i’d not have liked my parents to waste their toil and hard work here just so that they could have stayed with me, i know they missed me enough.
there were other parents who sent their children here to study for various reasons – cheaper medicine and engineering, didn’t want their daughters to grow up by Western standards, wanted the kids to spend real time in India, or a length of time with lonely grandparents … there are non-economic reasons too. Of course, that could be another debate, why not Western standards when they are living in the West, but most parents remained pretty conventional even after spending 20, 30 years there …

Glad that you wrote about your experiences. It is nice to hear from people on the other side of the argument too….and your story gave me some perspective. But tell me, at some point did you miss your mom, did you ever feel sad or angry that your parents left you with your grandparents? Also, what about your grandparents’ personal lives? Weren’t they changed because of this?

no, i don’t remember missing my mom, or my dad. i was only two, and seven when they returned. also, my aunts, uncles and everyone else were around – it was a large household. in fact, i remember an aunt getting irritated when i tried to show off to my mom or have her assist me with my homework on one of their visits when it was actually her daily duty. 😀

as for my grandparents, they must have been changed, definitely. Looking after a child in their late 40s and 50s wasn’t an easy thing, I’m sure but they never let me feel it – i was treated like a princess. i think it was all a matter of duty too, you just did it, maybe without thinking of yourself, or because you knew your daughter and son-in=law couldn’t do without your assistance if they had to achieve greater heights. after they came back, my brother was born, my gran told me she requested my mom to let me and him continue to grow up in her house, and that’s what happened – even after we left home, got married, etc, we would go home to our grandparents, and that’s how it is with many cousins and friends i know.

Maybe my grandparents liked raising kids, unlike some others who mayn’t have – that could be a possibility too – they raised four of us cousins. But when the rest came, from the early 80s onwards, no one expected my gran to go assist with the deliveries in the US because she had had to contend with worse health by then, and my aunts managed with sitters.

Like you, initially I thought the whole thing was ridiculous but I’m trying to think up scenarios in which it might be necessary. For example, my sis just had a baby and her baby is in daycare. But it’s quite expensive to get a good daycare/nanny and not everyone can afford it. So maybe in cases where neither parent cannot afford to give up their job (maybe there are reasons they need to work abroad and send money to India) and daycare is too expensive, nor can the grandparents come to the country to help, this might be the only solution. Perhaps in their mind, you lose out on some bond but they’d rather that than losing out on having a child altogether. I don’t see myself feeling that way, but I’m not that into babies.

On a side note, it seems much more acceptable to send kids away to boarding school in other countries when they are older. Though a similar logic might apply, why have a kid then send them away?

I can see how sending kids away to day care can be compared to the situation at hand, but isn’t a boarding school meant to house kids and take care of them? What about the lives of the grandparents who will take care of the kids?

I see the grandparents situation as similar to boarding (though the ages are different) because in both cases, the kids are away for long stretches of time and the parents don’t see them on a daily basis. With daycare, you are seeing your kid at least in the mornings and for some time at night. You have more of a shared experience with your kid; at least you are a familiar face.

I’m assuming the grandparents who take on the responsibility of being primary caregiver for the grandkids are willing (and hopefully able) to do so.

This is such a sensitive matter that I always refrain from commenting on it – on a blog or in person. But can’t stop myself from commenting here.

I totally agree with you. Have seen so many friends and cousins do this – not only here, but in India as well. They have kids, then send those kids to nana-nani or dada-dadi. I agree one. hundred. percent! If you can’t take care of your child, don’t have children. Sending your child to a daycare is far better, in my opinion, than sending them to a faraway place with grandparents. At least the child gets to see you and spend time with you when you get back from work!!

If you can’t afford to have a child – don’t. I totally agree with the three reasons you have given here! And my comment might make it obvious how strongly I feel on the subject 🙂

I forgot to mention that I don’t hold similarly harsh views of people who have to send their kids to grandparents for some unavoidable reason. But frankly, if I were faced with a choice of sending my kid to India or leave my job, move to a smaller house and stay at home, I would pick the latter. NOTHING trumps my child – not a job, not a house… NOTHING. So, in my opinion, there are VERY FEW “unavoidable circumstances” that justify sending your kid over to the grandparents’ to be brought up by them.

My own parents sent my brother to my nana-nani’s for 6 months or so, because they could not find a good nanny for him. They were in India so it was not a matter of moving back to India. And they needed my mom’s income – they started out very poor. But my dad told me (when I had my older daughter) that he regretted the decision his whole life and strongly advised me never to do it.

Precisely the reason I do not want to have another kid. I doubt if I can give dedicated time to the second one. I stay in India and have a full time software career. I am managing my 2 year old. But having 2 kids and a full time job? I don’t think I can do that. I have a creche facility which helps me with my kid and my job in turn. And I can carry on like for a few years. I understand what you are saying in this post. My parents and in laws where more than happy to take my kid with them. (yes in spite of being in India I stay 700 km from my parents and 400 km from in -laws). It was a big and firm NO from me and my spouse. My kid stays with me, I what i said.

The reason I stumbled upon this blog is out of curiosity for the correctness of my decision. My family is situated in the US and I’m in a situation that i dn’t want to give up my job right now. I had my parents and inlaws visit me for the last 1.5 yrs to take care of me when I was pregnant and also help me out with the baby for the last one year. Last week my parents went back and my daughter went to daycare. Initially I was apprehensive of the idea of sending her to daycare, many people questioned me about it and even suggested sending her with my parents back to india. I vehemently said a No and decided with sending her to daycare. There are several indians here who run home based day cares but I have put her in an American acredited one so that I know they have standards and follows them and will care for my child. Well my child knows from when she was 12 weeks old that her mom goes and comes back rom work. Now its a matter her adjusted to a new environment. Instead of grandparents taking care of her at home, she goes to daycare where she meets lots of people and spends her day there. I try my best to leave early from work and pick her by 4:30. I even wake up early to finish cooking for the day and spend all my evening with her. I think thats the best you can do. Even if we quit and take care of them by the time they reach a certain age i think they want company of others and hence I stuck to my decision of daycare. My daughteris still adjusting to her new environemtn and I hope and pray to almighty that my daughter understands and respects and loves me for my decision. She is definitely my life and my life certainly revlves around her. The money I bring in is for her to get a little extra luxury and for her better future. But if a situation arises that I need to keep her home, I will and plan to do what i need to do. This is my opinion – They may be in loved ones care when sent to India but then and there you are straining the wonderful mom-baby bond. Even though when the kid grows up they may understand why the mother did it, but still time lost is lost.