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Comic book nerds everywhere are chattering either excitedly or disdainfully about the new trailer for Joss Whedon's upcoming Avengers flick. The response has generally been positive, with a lot of speculation on who will join Loki's plot for world domination and what comic book storyline(s) the movie will adapt. Naturally, we Woot Writers had our own thoughts when the trailer was unceremoniously dropped into our chat room. Naturally those thoughts eventually digressed into whether or not a grown man could fend off an attack by 20 squirrels...

Jason: I like the Avengers trailer as much as everybody else on the Internet, but boy do I wish it didn't include the line "I don't play well with others."Matthew: NO SPOILERSJason: It was a "spoiler" for me tooRandall: I'm willing to forgive that, but the other line is way worse in my opinion.Dave: As long as they don't say "Ooh, THAT'S gotta hurt."Matthew: Got all the way past the first credit slate and was like "what, not even a GLIMPSE of the Hulk?"Jason: haMatthew: But then a glimpse, so that's OKRandall: "If we can't save the earth, we'll avenge it." CLUNK.Jason: ughRandall: I like their choice of casting David Cross with a wig as Dr. Bruce Banner.Jason: heh
It doesn't make much sense to me that the Hulk - a guy who was an Avenger for like four issues - is included but, say, the Black Panther isn't.Scott: well, he wasn't there to startJason: Or Ant-Man, or the Wasp.Randall: One of the YouTube comments says something like "OMG NO WOLVERINE OR SPIDERMAN?! FAIL!"Jason: nor was Black Widow or HawkeyeScott: that one's because they're toxic after mark millar turned him into a wifebeaterRandall: Ant-Man is a pretty glaring omission, but at least someone at the studio said "we can't f---ing put Ant Man in a movie."Scott: I think you could make a decent Ant Man movieJason: But I don't want to fall into the "MOVIES MUST BE EXACTLY LIKE THE COMICS" trap. I'm sure the Hulk will be appropriately cinematic.Scott: you just have to play up the science and make the bad guy some kind of evil religious figure, and get the science mostly rightRandall: I'm willing to be Hollywood turns Ant Man into 2 hours of this:

Scott: the internet could eat that up if you play it like DarkmanScott: YESMatthew: THE ULTIMATES sure turned out to be a real golden goose for MarvelJason: The problem with including the shrinky superheroes in a team is one of scale. Pretty much whenever they're using their powers you can't see what's going on with the regular-sized heroes, and vice-versa.Scott: i still say that was intentionally trolling, RandyMatthew: Keeps on givin'Scott: Wicker Man was what the Avengers (UK) movie should have beenJason: except in the pages of the comics, MatthewRandall: HaJason: because christ that third series was awfulMatthew: Yeah, I didn't look at it after Bryan Hitch stopped drawing itRandall: If Ant-Man's in the movie you already know going in it's going to end with some giant indestructable thing that has a tiny weakness, resulting in another "Luke blows up the death star" race through a robot head.Matthew: It's that same thing again: The artist is the storyteller in comics.Scott: well, that's fairScott: it'd have to be non-hollywoodScott: like jodoroworsky's ant man
Matthew: I wish they'd gone with a European actress for Black Widow, but whatever. Having ScarJo aboard probably helps get investors and all that.Randall: She was mis-cast, in my opinion, since she's such a VISION to behold.Randall: Eh? Eh?Scott: she'd be a good jocasta, actuallyScott: that's my hope, that we'll build to something like the Korvac saga and see 150 top name actors fighting a cgi monster and get a budget that's roughly Avatar and Titanic's profits combinedScott: well that last line sort of dashes any hope that whedon might try something out of his comfort zoneDave: Forgive my comic book ignorance. Is Thor, THE Thor, or is it some sort of Green Lantern-type, various people are Thor through the ages?Scott: but i'm impressed how scarjo carries that thousand yard stare
Dave, it's real Thor, but in the movie they're not gods, just super-advanced aliensDave: Oh. That makes it even more confusing.Scott: Marvel sometimes has to skirt around the "what was he doing in WWII when his people were Nazis" ideaScott: it's not, really, Asgard is just like they say, but primitive man misunderstood, and they aren't God gods, so don't picket usScott: that's the only reason it's thereDave: I was going to say, when you're standing in a line, and one guy's a genius with armor, another guy has some genetic modifications, one guy got some radiation tweaks, and one guy is an actual god, it seems a little uneven, power-wise.Scott: Cap has the power of hopeScott: and Black Widow's hotScott: but Hawkeye in the comics always secretly feels insecureRandall: Except when he was secretly Bullseye.
PS I'm gonna use our Avengers chat for a blog post.Scott: haScott: IF ONLY WE HAD A LIBERTARIAN SUPERHERO WHAT A GREAT THING THAT WOULD BE RIGHT GUYSRandall: There's your daily jab. Now it's officially a blog.
Matthew: In the ULTIMATES universe there was some flirtation with the idea that Thor was a mutant with psychotic delusionsRandall: Wasn't Thor a homeless guy with a sledge hammer for awhile? Or was that some stupid "NEVERMIND ONSLAUGHT HAPPENED" retcon thing?Matthew: Some nordic street person with mutant powers who just thought he was ThorJason: It was Marvel's attempt at dealing with the issue of widespread homelessness among Scandinavian immigrants.Randall: Ha.Scott: Dave, there's a hero named Squirrel Girl who started out as a joke, and she beat some cosmic-level bad guy as also a joke, and then a writer got SO mad and retconned it, saying she never could and taking it too seriouslyScott: but all the other writers thought that was hysterical and started using Squirrel Girl to beat everyone, from Doctor Doom to Galactus just to piss off the guy who didn't get the jokeScott: and recently they've revealed Squirrel Girl dumped Wolverine, and he wants her backScott: ps she can talk to squirrels. that's itRandall: I can't take Thor seriously if Marvel refuses to address the "he's a god, people should fall down and switch religions whenever he shows up" thing.Randall: Plus they have to reconcile Greek, Nordic, and now Roman gods all occupying slots as heroes/villains.Jason: Speaking of Squirrel Girl, this Avengers movie looks OK as something to tide me over until they finally make that Great Lakes Avengers movie.Scott: When I was a kid, they had a bad guy called the Crusader who was empowered by ChristRandall: I remember that guy.Scott: he lasted an issue or so, but he fought thor and addressed itScott: and then probably Jim Shooter was like ARE YOU ASS-----S OUT OF YOUR MIND and he never showed up againRandall: HaScott: I would probably enjoy Great Lakes more than Whedony Marvel but it's gonna make mad bank, I betRandall: Well that part's all but guaranteed. As long as they don't blow a billion on CGI, they'll make insane cash.Dave: I guess there are at least a ton of squirrels around. It sounds more usable than Aquaman's powers.Scott: where's my nine part Alpha Flight by Peter Bogdanovich, that's what I want to knowDave: I wonder how many squirrels I could fight off. Maybe 20? It depends on how coordinated their attacks were.Jason: 3 squirrels coming at you and you'd be s---ting your pants. No shame in it. We all would.Scott: one angry squirrel could probably take meMatthew: Don't get Joel in on this how-many-squirrels-could-you-beat-in-barehanded-combat debateScott: as I think about it, maybe John Waters should do Alpha FlightScott: (randy, hope you haven't finished that post yet)Dave: One raccoon wandering vaguely in my direction got me to sprint in the other direction, so you're probably right.Randall: We just had a five minute discussion about squirrel fighting.Scott: it's not goofing off, it's generating contentJason: I think you could eventually fight off a bunch of squirrels, but there'd be a lot of terror along the way. You'd have squirrel nightmares for decades.Randall: I think you could win a fight to the death with 20 squirrels, but you'd take some damage.
And yeah, it'd be horrific.Randall: Plus once you whittle their numbers down to three or four it gets REALLY hard, because they're spread out more and harder to catch.Scott: yeah, depends on the goalScott: "just survive" is different than "total victory"Randall: There is only one goal. The absolute destruction of squirrel-kind.Scott: do you get a gunRandall: Nope. Bare hands.
Matthew: WEASELS RIPPED MY FLESHRandall: I can't think of a strategy beyond "let them bite me, then wrench them off my body and twist their necks"Scott: "kill every squirrel in the world with your bare hands" is not a valid possibilityRandall: Not every squirrel. Just these marauding 20.Scott: they'd still get awayScott: you see how they shoot around trees, they'd rip you apart as they escaped youSean: Oh that's something I hadn't considered. The damage of them jumping off.Scott: and then attack the other side, where your genitals areRandall: Well they're not LIONS. They can only bite so much.Scott: you can grab two, as they bite you, while 18 are tearing you up just trying to climb downRandall: They don't even have fangs. It's going to be a nasty bite, but it's survivable.Scott: unless they're trying to leave as well, you're doomedRandall: You have to make sure your pants are hermetically sealed.Scott: What's the squirrels' goal? To eradicate you, or to just go home to their treeScott: that makes a difference how they fight, I thinkRandall: For some reason, they have decided they must end you.Scott: 20 squirrels trying to kill you means they win, the endRandall: BUT they don't have human intelligence. Once anything has human intelligence, you're screwed.Scott: squirrels winRandall: Eh, I don't know.Sean: I'm with Randy on this one.Scott: even squirrel brainsJason: No weapons, but I'm willing to concede some kind of armor-plated codpiece. Don't let this discussion turn us into monsters.Scott: JACKIE CHAN BEATS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Matthew: I could kill 20 squirrelsScott: SPEED OVER SIZEScott: that's the vermont talking, Matthew. think rationallyRandall: But could you kill 20 squirrels who are simultaneously trying to kill you? And clarification: they are not on a country road and you are not driving.Matthew: YesJason: the best squirrel defense is a good offenseScott: I don't even know what this post will be about any moreKristy: i just know i hope i'm on matthew's teamRandall: Also, Kristy is one of the squirrels.Kristy: can i be rabid?
Matthew: They'll be hard pressed to get better than superficial bite penetration. Then they'll be hard pressed under my heel.Sean: Ha!
Exactly!Randall: Then next week's podcast is a song about squirrel smashin'.Matthew: A person would get hurt badly from a pain standpoint, but not from a seriousness-of-injuries standpoint.Kristy: and then cleaning their bones
Scott: I had a pet prairie dog, who has similar tooth design to a squirrel. They can rip you up deeply when they wannaScott: My best friend still has a nasty scar, and that was just in passingMatthew: Plus, once you got one in your hand, you could literally throw it 30 yards, buying time to break another tiny, fuzzy neckScott: he wasn't even TRYING to kill himSean: I think the key is to get down low.Scott: I think you're underestimating how hard they can hold onJason: They can open acorns with their teeth with one bite, all the livelong day. Doesn't sound superficial to me.Matthew: That's what I mean -- deeply for a cut you would want to get, but not deeply as in deep enough to get at your vitals.Kristy: but if i'm rabid, at least it's something you'll have to get attention for pretty soonMatthew: Acorns are like one inch acrossScott: first time one gets to your eyes, your whole plan is over|Jason: bingoRandall: I love the idea of stumbling across Matthew in a park somewhere, covered in blood and squirrels, chucking them one by one over the horizon.
Matthew:

And so ends another glimpse into just how much time we waste in a day. And just so you know, it WAS just a glimpse. Dave went on to google Galactus's weight and we debated if there's a physical limit to the height of a pyramid made of squirrels. But what about you, dear reader? Are you excited for The Avengers movie? And how many squirrels could YOU kill in a bare-knuckle brawl?

Amander

1. I effing love all of you right now.
2. This sounds suspiciously like some of the post-dinner conversations I have with my husband.
3. Ant-man!
4. I could not fight 20 squirrels at once bare-handed. I think there must be a weapon of some sort involved, otherwise a person would be swarmed, much like pirhannas, overwhelmed and gnawed to death...I suspect, eventually, from the inside out. Sqrls suck.
5. The lines in the trailer were pretty cheesy. But, I'll still want to see it.

Amander

ElanorRigby

You cannot chuck a squirrel away from you. It would just keep swarming up your arm and biting your tendons until that arm was useless.

More importantly, however, why does an issue of Man's Life have "Weasels Ripped My Flesh" as the cover article? Even more perplexing, can women justify their need for extra-marital relations? (I hope this refers to adultery and not like, having friends to spend time with outside the home. Although honestly, neither one would really surprise me.)

Mancho

Love the cover at the end, but there's no way you're going to be able to take on as many weasels as you could squirrels. Weasels have wicked sharp teeth and claws (they are fierce predators). I could see taking on 20 squirrels, but weasels... no more than 10, if you're lucky.

Gatzby

Mancho wrote:Love the cover at the end, but there's no way you're going to be able to take on as many weasels as you could squirrels. Weasels have wicked sharp teeth and claws (they are fierce predators). I could see taking on 20 squirrels, but weasels... no more than 10, if you're lucky.

I think we were up to 25,000 squirrels to challenge Galactus' 18 tons, but we never did figure out how they were going to fit in a pyramid with all that gravity.

(This was part of the conversation that didn't make it out of the Million Dollar Idea incubator.)

tgentry

If I had a basket of bees on my head I wouldn't inform the people who did it that they were stinging my eyes. I think that would just give them more satisfaction. I would try to bite and eat as many bees as possible to spite them.

akakin

dave bug

Gatzby wrote:I think we were up to 25,000 squirrels to challenge Galactus' 18 tons, but we never did figure out how they were going to fit in a pyramid with all that gravity.

(This was part of the conversation that didn't make it out of the Million Dollar Idea incubator.)

An outerspace Voltron Squirrel was the best bet.

I still claim there is no theoretical maximum squirrel pyramidic height given infinite squirrels (outside of, as I said before, the limits of the curvature of the Earth and the effects of the upper edges of the atmosphere on their cute little lives).

Jason Toon

Amander wrote:I could not fight 20 squirrels at once bare-handed. I think there must be a weapon of some sort involved, otherwise a person would be swarmed, much like pirhannas, overwhelmed and gnawed to death...I suspect, eventually, from the inside out. Sqrls suck.

Excellent point! How did we never even CONSIDER the possibility of squirrels gnawing their way inside your body? This changes everything.

Gentlemen, I demand we reconvene the Woot Subcommittee on Anti-Squirrel Defense and reopen the matter post haste!

kinzoku

tgentry wrote:If I had a basket of bees on my head I wouldn't inform the people who did it that they were stinging my eyes. I think that would just give them more satisfaction. I would try to bite and eat as many bees as possible to spite them.

klozitshoper

Reminds me of my daily dog walk with a guy with 2 dobermans off leash. It is a bloody, nasty scene - I don't know why I go along, but squirrels are stupid to a degree that they taunt these dogs and wait until the last second (and it IS usually THEIR last second) to try for the tree. Ugh. Geeze, ruined my lunch now.

gossamerica

Shortly after moving to a new town, I was walking outside one day when a squirrel ran up and sat within inches of me. The novelty of squirrels hadn't worn off (it didn't take long), so I stopped, and we sat staring at each other.

Somebody else walking by said, "Come on, you can take him!".
I responded, "Which of us are you talking to?"

I was close enough to attempt a punt, but decided it probably wasn't a very good thing to do at work. For some reason, the squirrel also decided to spare me, and we went our separate ways.

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