Familiar educational issues – unconventional perspectives

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I’ve taken a wee break from just about . . . everything! The school year finally came to its official close, (I survived!) and now I’ve just been filling the “happiness bucket” that got emptied out over the past nine months. I’ve done some gardening, read a bunch of books that have nothing to do with work, and just puttered around doing little things that have needed doing for a while. I’ve been running every day and generally getting my health and wellness back on track. Clearly, not running around like a crazy person opens up a lot of positive things in my life! So how do I find the balance between the summertime peace and the school year whirlwind? Hmm. Great question.

There’s currently quite an emphasis on the need for wellness, mindfulness, calm, and balance in our lives – both in the education world and in society in general – and just about every arena – both professional and personal – has something to throw into the mix for us to consider. There are literally hundreds of books, articles, and gurus out there sharing their thoughts on how to achieve all of this in our busy, modern lives. The thing is . . . it all seems like so much work to make it happen that it completely stresses me out thinking about it! Don’t get me wrong – I completely agree that these things are essential for good health and a good life. I’m just not sure how to merge all of these things into something that is doable, sustainable, and accomplishes the goal – more peace and balance, less stress and cattywompus.

So how to start? (I SHOULD be able to figure this out, right??)

I gathered facts, made a schedule on a daily and monthly basis, filled in my set things, and then looked at what time and days I had left. Damn little, actually. No wonder I’ve been feeling stressed – I really DON’T have enough time in a day / week to fit it all in! Ironically, seeing that in black and white actually made me feel better. LOL!

But after a moment of validation and a little chuckle, the sobering reality was I had more stuff to do than time to do it. Still at square one – not helpful. So now what? Well, solve the obvious problem first: eliminate some “stuff” so maybe I can fit it all in. Easier said than done. What if I really can’t /shouldn’t / don’t wanna eliminate it? (See – this is why I love Math! No matter how much of a tantrum I pitch, 2 + 2 = 4. Period. If something doesn’t add up, you screwed up. Nothing to discuss.) Likewise, my solution is pretty stark: eliminate some stuff or change when / how I do it. Wait – WHAT?!

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Not CHANGE!!! Where will it end???

Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but you all can relate to the feeling, right? As old as I am, I can still get that two-year-old mentality of “I want what want when I want it!!” Unfortunately, that’s just not the way the puzzle is going to get solved.

And there’s the point – is doing it MY way more important to me than doing it the way it needs to be done to GET IT DONE?

Wow. That realization was like a lightning strike to my brain. Huge flash, thundering shock wave of truth, and then complete silence as it sunk in.

Maybe my “inner peace” and “balance” problem was less about all the stuff and time constraints and more about me being in control vs. going with the flow. Damn. I hate it when I’M the problem in my problem.

But it got me thinking about how this relates to so many of the issues I see at school. It really is the crux of the matter more often than we may like to admit. And by “going with the flow” I don’t mean just going along with things, but rather that there is a natural way or “flow” for how things fit together to make it all work. The problem is, it’s usually never the way we really want it to go. There’s that control issue again.

We get so locked into one way of thinking or doing that we find it almost psychologically painful to go with the flow of the situation and go against our own self-chosen flow. But if we truly want to solve the problem and bring ourselves more peace, balance, and getting things accomplished, we HAVE to be willing to disrupt that arbitrary, self-induced illusion of peace and move on to the real thing. And that might mean getting out of our own way. (Oh boy – I feel personal growth coming on!)

So with that in mind, my new goal (as I get ready to head back to work again) is to try to bring that real “Summertime Peace” to work this year. And I’m going to try to do that by getting less stressed about HOW I want it done and focus more on going with the flow to GET IT DONE.

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There has been a lot of interest in and writings on “grit” over the last few years, especially in the education realm. Angela Duckworth’s book “Grit” gave the idea some legs with her research data and recommendations. However, some have found her conclusions to over-reach what the data said, and there is still another camp that believes grit is not really a good predictor of success nor can it be taught.

So what is grit and can we learn it?

In my opinion, grit is your capacity to persevere, endure, and possibly even triumph in a worst-case scenario. Can it be learned? Sure – the hard way. No six-week on-line course is going to really teach you how to stand up to and get through the emotional, physical, or mental hell that you have to face in order to survive to the other side. Most people don’t voluntarily sign up for something like that. Who voluntarily puts themselves through something they’re not entirely sure they’re going to get through without significant damage being done to them somehow?

Not many.

That’s why grit is still appreciated when we see it in action in others because most of us admire them for taking those challenges on. And who are some of these folks where we can see this in action? Our armed forces serving in operations around the world; our law enforcement officers; our first responders; those rescuing, saving, and helping in crisis; those overcoming tremendous personal issues or challenges that help blaze a trail for others to take heart and follow when their time comes, to name just a few. Gritty situations can be epic dramas that everyone sees or small private battlegrounds for you alone, but either way, it’s a scary no-man’s-land that has no guarantee of survival, much less success. I don’t see too many people signing up for that course. That’s why we are in awe of those who do. So where does that leave the rest of us? How do we “up” our grit? Is there a way to start slowly or do you just jump and pray? Well . . . yes to both.

As a running coach, I’ve always told my athletes that one sure way to improve your performance is to improve your “crap” end – the worst-case scenario. How do you perform when EVERYTHING goes wrong? The weather is the worst, your gear falls apart, you’re sick or injured on the appointed day, you’ve just received terrible, world’s coming apart news as you step off – every bad thing AND the kitchen sink. How do you perform? What can you count on yourself producing in that context? The answer involves one part character and one part training. What – training? Yep.

Where we can’t learn it in a traditional way – classrooms, books, papers, and tests – we can learn it in small ways by putting ourselves into those situations we don’t excel at, those situations where we doubt our ability, those times when we’re a little scared of coming up short or just flat out failing. In training, we push limits, try new tactics, and simulate worst-case scenarios, practicing our response to them both physically and mentally. Courage goes hand in hand with grit, and whether we’re taking on hill repeats or learning something new, every time we push the limit of what we think we can do, take on, or master, we’re increasing our grit. No, maybe not in epic world changing ways, but each one of those hard, scary, uncomfortable challenges we voluntarily meet head on teaches us more about ourselves – what we’re capable of, what matters to us – and it gets us prepped for those truly epic moments we never see coming. But you have to jump in and try – that takes some courage and grit right there!

I’ve had my share of those moments – we all have. At the time, I wondered how I was ever going to survive in tact to reach the other side of the crisis. The truth is – I didn’t survive in tact; I changed. And THAT’S the key to grit. In the digging deep, the humbling of failure, the embarrassment of screwing up, the wonder in getting it right, the awe in triumphing in the end – somewhere in the midst of all that persevering and trying and failing and succeeding, I learn more about myself, and it changes the narrative I tell myself about myself. I learn and I change.

So when the next gritty situation raises its ugly head, I might still feel like my insides are about to fall out, but . . . they’ve fallen out before and I KNOW I can stuff ‘em back inside and succeed because I’ve done it before. Now I tell myself “I KNOW I got this” because I’ve trained myself to “get” this. I recognize the situation or the set-up when it happens so I can stay calm, activate the plan, and tell myself to push through because I’ve already done this before. I don’t go forward because I’m no longer scared; I go forward because I know what to do while it’s all falling apart AND I’m still scared. In that moment, the narrative I tell myself about myself changes my response to the situation. I’ve gone from helpless to hopeful and from surprised to resolved.

So can we learn grit? Sure. If we’re brave enough to look inside and face the biggest obstacle any of us ever really faces – ourselves – and have the courage to rewrite our own narratives about who we are and what we can do on our best – and our worst – days. That’s some true grit that even The Duke himself could appreciate.

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A while back I was waxing philosophical about the “Scenic Vistas” of life and the idea of pausing, not parking. I proverbially and literally got myself back out on the road again (running and work), looking forward to the next pull off point or exit ramp that took me somewhere new.

Sounds great doesn’t it? One small problem . . .

Where the @#&*! is the next exit?! OMG!

I started my new adventure thinking this was going to be a moderate scenic drive with regular resting points between paved stretches of road, and I soon found out I was “Jeeping” it in rugged terrain without a map. When did I sign up for this?! Was there small print I forgot to read somewhere? What the heck?! How did I get here? I can’t go back, so there’s only forward but . . . what in the world do I do now?

That was September. I soon started seeing work and running merging into the same issue – where I thought I was going and where I found myself were two very different places. I’d planned for one kind of experience and found myself faced with another. Why can’t anything be easy? I asked myself. But no matter, I thought. I’ll just use my experience and lessons learned to adjust and keep going. I’ll find the road I’m looking for soon enough and all will be well, I told myself. That scenic resting point is just around the corner. You just hit a rough patch – you’ll find that path soon. Just find a way to get there – keep going!

By October I was worried and by November I was exhausted. I kept thinking that if I just worked the problems in front of me, kept moving and looking for signs that things were improving, I would get clear of this morass I had fallen into and find the “pavement” again. With no data whatsoever to base my opinion on, I kept assuming the “exit” from this mess just had to be close – I’d come so far already. I was getting tired and more than a little desperate. That exit has got to be coming into view soon, . . . right? Maybe? I’m on it, I told myself. Just gotta hang tough.

With this dubious logic, I recommitted myself in December and hoped, rather than knew, that January would be better. But I wasn’t “on it” at all. And of course that’s when the wheels came off. It started with the pinched nerve in my hip during the Ground Hog run, quickly followed by my upper back going out and seizing up (an old injury that flares when I’m stressed – should’ve been a sign right? Apparently not.) As my back stopped flaring, my right foot started aching to the point I could barely walk, let alone run. Plantar Fasciitis and loss of heel fat due to overuse led me to more KT tape, Advil, and orthopedic inserts. Really? Oy vay. There’s a fine line between positive thinking, determination and hubris. I think I just learned that one the hard way.

I’d literally been running myself into the ground trying to find this illusive path I thought I was supposed to be on, both at work and in my running plan, and unknowingly did things that just made it worse because I couldn’t admit that maybe – maybe – I couldn’t muscle my way through this one. It was like Cinderella’s stepsisters trying to fit their feet into her shoe: they can’t. And there was my problem: I liked my plan. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the reality I’m in. I was operating off of old data. Current reality took me somewhere new all right, but it didn’t sink in on a conscious level with me. When things started going wrong, I just applied old remedies to the new ailment instead of stopping and realizing “Hey! I’m not in Kansas anymore,” so to speak. It’s ironic that the one thing that should have been my go-to for guidance – data – (and probably would have saved my poor body some pain and injury) was the one thing that never crossed my mind to consult until I had no choice. The harder I tried to make the old plan fit the new reality, the worse it got. When the data is not what I want to hear, it’s amazing how deaf I can become.

So that left me with a choice to make. To borrow a phrase from my oldest son – I could give up or give more. I’ve never been one to give up – even when it’s PAINFULLY OBVIOUS when I should – so giving more it is. But when all this finally came to a head three weeks ago, I knew I had to go forward with a helluva lot more sense than I had been up to now. So what does that really mean? And is it going to stink as much as I think it will?

The truth is I’m a lot more like Captain Kirk than Spock in this area (yes – I’m a huge Trekkie nerd). I just don’t believe in no-win scenarios. I’ve always been able to find a way through – until now. This little escapade has forced me to reconsider what “through” and “successful outcome” really means. And that’s where a little data – and a good dose of humility – comes in to give me some balance against my determination and confidence. And then there’s another truth to accept – sometimes the data just bites. Sometimes there isn’t another option; this is it. I’m stuck on a bad bit of road for now, and I just have to make the best of it until I hit a better patch. Period. Not the answer I want at all! But there it is. Guess I better focus on being grateful for being on any road at all, and look for sunny patches where I find them moment to moment. The only no-win scenario is not being in the game at all, so I’ll take whatever scenario I’m given and work with it.

So where to go from here? Well . . . I’m not sure. I still don’t have that new map, and I’ve thrown my old one out the window so I guess that makes me . . . an explorer? I’m seeking out new options, new ways of thinking, and boldly going where I’ve never been before – working on enjoying the unknown – LOL!

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I was reminded of this piece of wisdom earlier this week while I was reading an article in a professional publication. I was reading along about the value of coaching – for both newbies, veterans, and everyone in between – and was happily surprised to see my school district featured in the article. The author made good points and her suggestions for how districts can continue to grow in this area were solid. The only unfortunate part was that she stopped short in her research and questioning about our district and drew the wrong conclusions about our policies and program. Because her data was missing some key pieces of information, she came up with possible next steps and solutions for problems we don’t actually have. Great ideas but they were completely irrelevant for us, and the article now paints an inaccurate picture of our district and the state of its coaching program. What a missed opportunity to get it right.

But it got me thinking – how many times do I miss those same opportunities because I fail to question or verify what I KNOW to be true (so I don’t have to question it)? When was the last time I verified what I’m just CERTAIN is true? Is it still true? How do I know? What if it’s not true anymore? Wow – just thinking about that makes my stomach do a weird little flip. When I think about the things in my life I KNOW are “True” and then pause to think about what if they aren’t . . . that kinda makes my whole world tilt on its axis – and not in a good way. Perhaps that’s why we tend to assume some things and shy away from periodically verifying them. Verifying just opens up a whole Pandora’s box of possibilities that we really don’t want to face. Verifying is potentially terrifying. However, when I think about the alternative – just going along with my head in the sand and assuming I know all the facts and have them right – makes me feel more than a little uneasy. What if I’m like that author and I’m coming up with good solutions and drawing reasonable conclusions but it’s all based on faulty data? That would mean I’m wasting my time and getting nowhere, wondering why nothing’s working. Hmm. Been there, done that more times than I care to think about.

The perfect example of this was my family’s latest escape room adventure. It was all four of us again and this time we were finally really working well as a team. We put all our past lessons and experiences to work for us, divided up the work and played to our strengths. We were doing great and got to what we were pretty sure was our last puzzle in 40 minutes. It was a math problem, but it was pretty straightforward. We got the answer, solved the puzzle to get the code to the lock and voila! Nothing. What?! We all tried solving the problem separately, and we all got the same answer. Try again. Nothing. Immediately we all started doubting the facts that were in front of us and went off on different tangents. We got a clue from our external observer that said we got the right answer. Use a muscle on the lock! All three guys tried and couldn’t get it to go. They concluded it was broken. The observer said the lock wasn’t malfunctioning. I was determined we weren’t going to lose because of a damn lock! I got mad, grabbed the lock and hit it on the counter HARD. Sure enough – it popped open! Success!! The guys were like “Really?! Mom? We’ll never live this down.” A good laugh was had by all, but there was a moment of truth in that. Why did we assume that we were ALL WRONG? We had the facts in front of us and yet we were willing to believe that it must be wrong because the solution wasn’t working immediately, rather than thinking maybe we just weren’t applying it right.

Bottom line take-away this time? Never assume anything and stop assuming all the facts you have are all the facts there are.

So how does this play out in the rest of the areas of our lives? For me, although it sounds like being a cynic, I tend to question everything already – that’s the researcher in me. I’d rather live with the truth than base all my decisions on more palatable lies. But if I don’t question and verify everything, then who’s the one living in la la land? Me. But if I’m being honest, there are TRUTHS I shy away from verifying because I’m pretty sure I just don’t want to know if the facts don’t add up. I’ve turned over a lot of those rocks in my life and too often they tend to yield answers I wish I didn’t know. On the other hand, many times they confirm that my faith was placed correctly and things really are the way they seem or I believe them to be. And those are the moments I live for because it confirms that the effort – and the courage to ask – was worth the answer. I guess I’ll just have to keep turning over those rocks – and hoping I find pots of gold and not Pandora’s box.

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We had two more winter weather days this week (ice – yuck!) so more days off from school. However, it gave me a chance to catch up on some professional reading. I was reading some recent research on whether formative data or summative data is more beneficial to improve individual performance. Multiple research studies agree that formatives provide better actionable data than summatives (check out Viktor Nordmark at the Hubert Blog for the inspiration for this post). In other words, collecting data, analyzing it, and acting on it in very short cycles – 2 to 4 weeks at most – gives you better information to act on and improve – in real time – than waiting until the end of something and reflecting when it’s too late to improve anything. Makes sense and most teachers and coaches know this almost instinctively, relying on observations, hard data, and experience to constantly update their “read” on where their students are in relation to attaining their goals. I love it when research supports what our gut already told us was true!

As I read through the rest of the article, all the data pointed to the conclusion that the best kinds of formatives ask simple questions, get to the heart of the matter, and give us clear, actionable information. One of the oldies but goodies that jumped out at me was this 3 question formative:

What should I start doing?

What should I stop doing?

What should I continue doing?

Wow. Three very simple questions but the thought process they trigger is powerful. I love that this works for just about any context – teaching, coaching, training, life goals, leading – you name it, these questions help you get there. And if you put these questions on a consistent schedule or cycle of “pulse checking” your progress, you’ve got a pretty sturdy rudder helping to steer you to your ultimate destination.

Of course, I started thinking about my own contexts and reflecting on these questions in relation to them. I found I could come up with a lot of “start doing” items, but I began to falter when I tried to come up with “stop doing” things. As I kept thinking about it, it occurred to me: what if I am the obstacle to the solutions I’m looking for? What if the things I can’t bring myself to do (or stop doing) are the very things that are getting in the way of further progress? What if I’m getting in my own way, or getting in the way of someone else’s progress? Hmm. Now that’s got a ring of truth to it. Bad word.

So I’m going to give this formative a go in my own life. My plan for the next two weeks is to “start” listening more to those around me; “stop” getting in the way of progress because I’m too committed to doing it my own way; and “continue” supporting the work of those around me any way I am able. I’ll let you know what I discover in two weeks. Action research – I love it!

Have you done a similar cycle with yourself? What have you discovered? I’d love to hear what you learned!

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There’s been a lot of transitioning going on in my life the last 6 months, and so naturally it’s been on my mind. And when I say “on my mind”, that can be interpreted as I’ve been playing with it, studying it, and batting it around like a cat with a mouse until there’s not much left. Like most cats, I’m extremely curious, and this tends to take me on more than a few thought journeys as I try to puzzle out the whys and wherefores of whatever has caught my interest. Enter transitions.

If I’m being honest, I’ve never really considered them until recently. All I really know about them is that they’re hard. Whether it’s the attainment of a long strived for goal or something you don’t see coming that flies out of left field and knocks you on your butt, change and the inevitable transition that goes with it is just rough. Heaven knows there’s a lot out there on change – how to create it, manage it, survive it, lead it or sustain it – but it’s all focused on getting something to go from where it is to someplace new, whether it wants to or not. Most don’t consider what’s supporting the effort between what was the old normal and what’s the new. However, I stumbled upon the book Managing Transitions by William and Susan Bridges (2009). It’s a great read and I highly recommend it for those of you who really want to dig deep on this topic. One thought that really captured my attention was their idea that transition is psychological and one of the pieces of this process is a neutral zone or “emotional wilderness” when you have an opportunity to create the thing you are trying to become, get to, etc; it’s where the magic of innovation happens. They urge you not to rush through it but embrace it (chapter 1).

On first hearing I thought, “Embrace the messy, feel like a newbie idiot with my shoes on the wrong feet, haven’t got a clue what to do next feeling? Are they nuts?” That sounds very Zen and I don’t know if I have it in me to be that amazing. Enter the cat. But what if they’re right? What would that mean? Why does embracing this feel more than a little scary?

After spending a lot of time batting that idea around (ok – it fueled more than one morning run), I came up with this analogy. Remember the Three Billy Goats? What if we’re the goats and the transition is the bridge we’re using to get to the other side – the new normal. Applying the Bridges’ idea to this analogy, we, as the goats, should take our time going across the bridge and savor the experience, taking time to try new things, embrace innovative perspectives, and take in the whole re-imagining process. But wait a minute – wasn’t there a troll somewhere, maybe under that bridge, just waiting to jump out and eat us?! Ah. Enter the real reason we fear change and transitions: we don’t have total control over the process. If we’re going to embrace the transition then that means we have to accept that we might be the thing that gets reimagined by the time we get to the other side. We have to be brave enough to face the troll – however it appears to us – and have faith that we will make it to other side, one way or another. Daring to think of yourself as something new and different – gulp – is more than a little scary.

So where does this leave me, and maybe you? I’m kinda in the middle of the bridge and I’ve faced a couple of trolls so far but if I’m being honest, it’s a little exhilarating to re-imagine and “breathe into it”. I don’t know how long the bridge is, but I think I’m going to try enjoying the view – and the trolls – a little more moving forward. Who knows – I might just be different by the time I get to the new normal.

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I’m on day 35 of the Runner’s World Streak #rwrunstreak winter 2017 (I started 4 days late due to company in my house over Thanksgiving) and as much as I love running, I have to say I’m looking forward to it being in the “Accomplished!” column. I’ve learned so much about myself, about self-coaching (I can be kinda bitchy to myself), and the rewards of not listening to my inner slacker (I ran with Charity Miles to earn donations to charities through my running. Great motivator!). HOWEVER . . . it’s hard to keep the love affair going when I never get away from it. Everyday – whether I want to or not, whether I’m feeling sick, still healing from bruises, my muscles ache, my sinuses are throbbing and my eyeball feels like it’s about to pop out, or it’s Christmas day – I run. I’d say “OMG” but I’m too tired and sore to bother.

On the flip side, I’ve gotten a lot stronger, both physically and mentally. I’ve learned I can do things and reap benefits even when I’m not enjoying the activity at the moment. I’ve learned I need to be kinder to myself – and I can still kick butt even though I’m not necessarily kicking my own all the time – and I learned determination sometimes means you choose to show up and follow through – everyday, no matter what. Period.

So as I prep to go back to school, staff, students, and parents, my new learnings are speaking to me. Let’s be honest – whether you’re a teacher, coach, leader, administration, or just a life-long learner – going back to the daily “treadmill” of work and dilemmas looks about as appetizing as my real-life treadmill looks at 5 A.M. in the cold dark basement. But taking my new insights with me as I move forward, I know a few things:

It won’t be dark once I turn the lights on; it will be cozy.

Getting started is the worst part; once I get going, I actually begin to enjoy it.

Whether I enjoy it or not isn’t important; doing it is.

I will feel better about myself at the end of the day because I did what was important and necessary – for me and maybe for others as well – and I might have just helped someone else along the way.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how fast or brilliant of a job you do on any one day; what matters is how you finish the course. Showing up and finishing are half the battle.

Runners take your marks! The second semester race is about to begin – good luck and I’ll see you along the course on the way to the finish line!

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When I started this blog last summer, everything was on track and going great. I was on a terrific leadership team, I had a work plan all figured out for the coming year, and I had a manageable schedule for fitness. My personal life was rockin’ and I was ready to take on some new horizons in the personal growth department – enter this blog. Everything was awesome!

Then I went back to work. The district restructured the Instructional Coach assignment / work format effective immediately. Oh no.

Like a Kansas twister moving across the land, everything we were used to was blown apart in a few intense moments, and when the dust settled, not much was left that looked as it had before. Major detour. Now what?

It looked like a disaster. Those first days and weeks were painful and stressful as we worked to figure out what our new normal was to be. We mourned what was, and we weren’t always sure how best to rebuild, but rebuilding and moving forward was always the plan. We finally decided to gather together what was left, including the team, and go to work figuring out how to get back to the road we were on before the detour.

And there’s the fulcrum point between detour or disaster – our attitude towards the unexpected new reality. When circumstances drop in on us like uninvited company, the decision to see it as a life-stopping disaster or an unplanned detour with possibilities lies within each of us. The decision we make will not only determine how we proceed, but will define us in the end. It’s how we choose to respond in the midst of struggle, confusion, and uncertainty that shapes our character and our future, one decision and one event at a time.

The bottom line – the detour gave us a required opportunity to grow, and grow we have. So how will you respond to your detour? I encourage you to embrace the unappealing challenge in front of you. You just might be surprised what rewards you’ll find along that path.

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I love games. I especially like the beginning of games, when the whole adventure is about to begin. You’re not sure how it will all turn out, but you’re looking forward to the brilliant moves, shocking turns, and brain aerobics needed to solve frustrating conundrums. However, most folks don’t approach building new relationships with quite the same feeling of glee. Frankly, many people feel the same way about building new relationships as they do . . . say . . . cleaning out the cat box or going to the dentist – not a barrel of laughs but necessary none the less. But whether we’re talking games or cat boxes, there are always some guidelines to follow so the outcome is hopefully positive and beneficial for all involved.

There are so many helpful and insightful books, articles, and blog posts out there about what these guidelines, habits, and rules are to help us build meaningful relationships. They all have something to teach us. And yet, at the end of all this advice, I find that most of it boils down to a few key pieces. I call it the Law of Relationships. My law states:

For a healthy, positive relationship to exist between 2 or more people, respect, trust, and caring must be present first.

Just like scientific laws act as the rules of the game of our existence, the law of relationships acts as the underlying principle that underpins all of the other actions we take when we build and maintain our relationships. When I look at all my varied relationships across the span of my life so far, I see they generally fall into two categories – good and not so much. Within the “not so much” category, usually respect, trust, and caring are all on the slim side. Bottom line – If the other person has proven themselves to be untrustworthy, not respectful of me or others (and therefore not earning my respect), and does not inspire me to care about them on a personal level, all the advice and techniques in the world will not turn that relationship into a solid foundation upon which we can build a future. There’s the rub.

So how do these rules of the game help us, even in these situations? Particularly when the way is challenging, I think of these relationship rules as the Minecraft approach to relationship building. In Minecraft, you develop a vision of what you want to create and then you build and create it – resource, by block, by crafting formula – within a controlled environment. Although you have endless options in what you create, the building blocks and rules of how to use them are finite and set. When it comes to building relationships, especially new or challenging ones, most of the advice takes the Minecraft approach. You mine for information, collect personal details, use your tools to intentionally craft a relationship for a specific purpose. It’s very practical and helpful when you’re not sure how to start. However, like the Law of Relationships states, at some point you need to actually respect and care for someone if you want a real relationship to develop. Those are the rules of the game.

So let’s be honest – respect usually comes as a result of watching someone’s actions to see if what they say and do are in sync. Do they do what they say when they think no one is watching or when their effort won’t gain them anything? You come to respect their judgment and coupled with their consistency of action, it begins to build trust. Once you have those two things, caring usually comes along because you are now invested in each other and you want to help sustain them. Before you know it, you’ve got a real relationship growing. That formula needs to work both ways, however. Are you a person whose actions and words are in sync? Do you do the right thing even when it isn’t going to be noticed or the effort won’t gain you a thing personally? Do your actions inspire trust and respect? And there’s the first step in building a quality relationship – be a person with whom you would want to build a relationship. Start with yourself, be genuine in your care and assistance of others, and you’ll find yourself on your way to establishing new relationships with those around you and with those whom you support.

But for all of this to be true, and for our relationships to be real, it really can’t be a game. It has to be sincere. Ironic, isn’t it?

And there’s the adventure in our game called real life. We might have rules and guidelines, and we might intentionally work on ourselves to be our best selves, but it’s all very real; it’s not a game. The brilliant moves, shocking turns, and brain aerobics needed to solve frustrating conundrums takes on a new level of intensity when “the game” is actually real life – your life. So use the advice and the techniques to craft your own vision of good relationships as you strive to keep it real in a world that wants you to believe it’s all just a game.