Monday, August 27, 2007

Lots of changes, lots of chaos at times, and lots of excitement is happening within our home right now.

I just wanted to drop a quick note saying that I am finally back online! I am still pretty busy with trying to get my sons into school. My moods are up and down as always, but mostly they are up I think. :) My health has been pretty nasty, but nothing new in that area , seems to be my life, and I am trying hard to learn to live with it.

I went back to church. It is the first time in a very long time. It was a service that spoke to my heart. I felt like the message was meant for me. Strange how that happens. I did not plan to go to church yesterday. I never thought I would be able to go back. To much damage was done during the time i was brain washed. I could not get the words out of my head from that time.

I went yesterday not because I woke up and said today is the day. It was a last minute decision. I felt pulled in going. I went to breakfast with one of my good friends here, and she needed me to drop her off at church. We pulled up at the church, and I felt such a need to go in and hear what message would be preached. It was a pulling inside of me that I could not refuse. I came out of church feeling changed.

The service message was about Grace. It was a message I needed to hear.

It is time to make some changes in my life. Hopefully they will be positive ones.

This song I am posting is where I am tonight emotionally. It is all about Grace. The message I received is this very same one.

This song is also very important, very significant for me, because I have not listened to music from "Third Day" since i was brain washed five years ago.The music from Thrid day was given to me from the man who was trying to brainwash me.

How blessed it is to finally reclaim my life and soul back.

IT is about time. I am back!

Let me introduce myself. I am known as Mysti here on my blog. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter a sister as well as a good friend to a select few. I am a talented artist, a loving person and someone with a lot of empathy and compassion.

I am a lady who is not perfect, never have I claimed to be. I sin like everyone else on earth, but I am blessed because I have God's Love and Grace in my life.

Thank you to those who commented on my last post. I was just in a low moment in my life, and decided to blog about it. I am doing much better now, and in a huge way by writing what I did, it was a great release for me, and i feel calmer and have a sense of well being now about past issues.

I am very blessed to have a few really good people in my life. Online and off. I have decided to be very choosy about who I share my thoughts and ideas with. I learned the hard way a couple times over that in the wrong hands they will be twisted and used in an evil manner. My thoughts and ideas are very precious, and like anything precious one should guard that with vigilance. One should only share precious things with those that will handle them carefully and with respect.

I have come a long way in the last few years. I am stronger, more confident, and yes as hope said in her comment last I have learned to love who I am as a person. I love me. Yes I have stumbled here and there, but i have learned that the fall is not as hard or as long now. I am good at picking myself back up brushing the dirt off me and continuing down the path meant for me with only a minor scratch and bruise.

Those chains that still hold me down i see the links are weaker, and i know I will break free from them soon. :) I will be set free from those chains in Gods time not mine. :)Sometimes I get impatient and want the process of healing to be done. In time i will be there. :)

Blogging is great, i will continue to blog, but I am going to be careful in what I say or what I share in my blog.

Thank you again to the few bloggers and friends who have been very much a support in my life.

Yesterday while sitting in my new home looking at the gorgeous work my husband has done, I felt such happiness. My husband and I still have a lot of work yet to do, but this home is ours, built with a lot of love and joy. My husband started working on the entry way floor. I love how it is turning out. Thought I would share with you a picture of the progress in that area.

I will not be on line for the next few weeks. Internet will not be hooked up at the house until sometime next week. I am also going to be very busy unpacking, sorting, and deciding where everything goes.

My Prayer for the day :

O God who brought me from the rest of last nightTo the new light of this dayBring me in the new light of this dayTo the guiding light of the eternal.Lead me O God on the journey of justiceGuide me O God on the pathways of peaceRenew me O God by the well springs of graceToday, tonight and forever.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

I have been thinking long and hard about shutting down my blog. I almost did so today then I read my friend Tarts blog, and had second thoughts.

I still have a strong urge to stop blogging. I have lost most of my readers anyway because I hardly ever write here any longer. My reasons for not blogging are pretty simple. I was taught long ago that If I have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all.

The past year I have struggled with not only fibro issues, but emotional ones. I took a class last year regarding getting over ones past. Funny instead of it helping me do that, it sent me flying right back into my own past! Flashbacks, memories of wanting to kill myself, and in general a huge feeling of shame has taken over my thoughts.

I went into a mode of feeling like I should be punished for all the awful things in my past. I know that I have been forgiven. I am forgiven by all involved, and most importantly Jesus. I however struggle with forgiving myself. I have spent years working on a past that no longer matters. It however has held me bound.

I at times feel like a lady with all these heavy chains keeping me in one place, the past. Honestly speaking the chains have slowly been dropping from my soul. I still am chained down in some areas. I struggle daily to break free.

Recently I have been set free from the whole brainwashing time in my life. One huge chain i broke free from. What a relief.

Other chains however hold me in place. Ones of my growing up years, ones of rape, abuse, and heartache hold me in place. I know, most of you will say , Omg mysti just let it go. Just get over it!

I have been told that all my life, and if I could let my past go I would.

Omg believe me I would. I do not like holding on to those times in my past. It's more like they are holding on to me. I find myself wrapped up in my own thoughts and most times my own little world. Keeping my thoughts and feelings all locked up, because to share them with others opens myself to judgement. Trust me I judge myself enough for everyone.

I am not saying everyone judges me. I still have a few in my life that I can show my soul to, and those few special loved ones do not judge me. I have others though who I opened up fully to and in the end they used my words, my own feelings of guilt against me. Or worse yet, those who I totally loved, and thought felt the same way about me, just dropped me with out a second thought. A couple did that to me this year. The crazy thing is, I still mourn the loss of their friendship.

I do open up to others. I have opened up my soul to others. I show the real me, and I can name on one hand the ones who do not hold judgment and never will. However the others I told and who they said they would not judge, did so in the end and they added more chains that I need to try to break free from. So I shut down. I put up higher walls of protection, and refuse to show who I am to too many people.

Doing this however has brought me to a place where I feel alone. Part of me says good! No one to judge me, no one laughing at me, or rolling their eyes at me in frustration and amazement that one lady can be so foolish. The other side of me says hmmm not good, you lost most of your friends, and the love that can also be given from those who will not judge you.

I have slowly but surly pushed everyone away, leaving me in a place that i am not so sure is a good place to be.

For some reason today i decided to write down these thoughts. For some reason I read one friends blog and thought do not give up on your own blog. Part of me thinks why bother anymore? Part of me knows that a few loyal blogger friends of mine have not given up on me. Part of me also knows that I am actually pushing even those blogger friends away, and they wont hold on forever.

So I am going to try harder at opening up, and showing the true me to those few who actually care.

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About Me

I am a woman who is a wife, a mother, and an artist. I have a deep faith in Jesus and try to show this in all that I do. I have a few illnesses that I struggle with, but i try not to focus on them. This website is a place for me to just be me and share what ever might inspire me during my day.
Please check out my new painting site and see all of my latest works.

My other web site to order prints of my works.

The weather in my area.

My Lily Girl

Seek and you shall see

Picture Taken by Mehdi Adilian

Join the 9-12 Project

I believe in the 9/12 project

The 9/12

The 9 Principles

1.

America Is Good.

2.

I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.

God “The propitious smiles of Heaven can never beexpected on a nation that disregards the eternal rulesof order and right which Heaven itself has ordained.”from George Washington’s first Inaugural address.

3.

I must always try to be a more honest personthan I was yesterday.

Honesty “I hope that I shall always possess firmnessand virtue enough to maintain what I consider tobe the most enviable of all titles, the characterof an honest man.” George Washington

4.

The family is sacred. My spouse and I are theultimate authority, not the government.

Marriage/Family “It is in the love of one’s family onlythat heartfelt happiness is known. By a law of our nature, we cannot be happy without the endearing connections of a family.” Thomas Jefferson

5.

If you break the law you pay the penalty.Justice is blind and no one is above it.

Justice “I deem one of the essential principles of ourgovernment… equal and exact justice to all men of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political.” Thomas Jefferson

6.

I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit ofhappiness, but there is no guarantee of equalresults.

Life, Liberty, & The Pursuit of Happiness “Everyone has a natural right to choose that vocationin life which he thinks most likely to give him comfortablesubsistence.” Thomas Jefferson

7.

I work hard for what I have and I will share it withwho I want to. Government cannot force me to becharitable.

Charity “It is not everyone who asketh that deservethcharity; all however, are worth of the inquiry or thedeserving may suffer.” George Washington

8.

It is not un-American for me to disagree withauthority or to share my personal opinion.

On your right to disagree “In a free and republicangovernment, you cannot restrain the voice of themultitude; every man will speak as he thinks, or moreproperly without thinking.” George Washington

9.

The government works for me. I do not answer tothem, they answer to me.

Who works for whom? “I consider the people whoconstitute a society or a nation as the source of allauthority in that nation.” Thomas Jefferson