11.30.2011

zombies and self-deprecation

I am writing the “important”
dialogue now, the parts that are supposed to grab you... the quotable
parts. The philosophy and theme. But I find myself too stupid and
disorganized to do this. I think every time I write I try to summarize
what I think about everything, ever. The absolute truth according to
me. But it's impossible, more impossible in a movie, even more in a
10 minute short. I wonder if every writer goes through the same
process.

Right now I'm at the part where I don't
give a fuck anymore and I write a joke about Jesus and a blogpost
about my nightmare script.

I kid I kid, I actually really like
this project. But I find myself being stressed out, the way I hadn't
been since I was in college (which, hey, dude, wasn't that long ago)
and I figured out that it's the only way I can actually do things and
push myself. I drank mate today and I was able to work for a couple
of hours. If I could only do this every day. I guess what I lack is
not intelligence but lots and lots of drive. And maybe prescription
drugs.

I'm sorry I don't write more often. I
don't know how I did it in Paris every day. I am sorry for myself I
don't write more often. With practice and routine comes truly great
stuff, which I'm not producing right now. Nothing I think is
interesting. Maybe I'm just bored with myself.

Maybe November is just really hard on
me. You know, because of IT.

But I did get my Italian citizenship
this month, which is cause for celebration. I am going to Paris soon.
I am starting yet another new life and I'm super excited. I need to
fill myself with new people. And hear new things, even if I don;t
create anything new or like, give anything back. I don't think I will
ever be one of those people. I don't think I can ever be recognized
for something unique or new. But sometimes I surprise myself, only
myself. I've retrograded into that, but it's okay. I can bullshit it
well this time. Some people seem to believe that only because I have
traveled and studied in fancy places that I know what I'm talking
about. Tip: I don't.

Ssssssseeeellllllf deprecation!!! No,
but really. I feel fine about my role as a listener. I just hope
that's enough. And now, for some light bed side reading: Derrida.
See? I can be an intellectual!