17.6.12

[Intelligence] receives and accepts impressions from outside, that 'ideas' arise through causal operations on the part of external things upon it, etc., belongs to a point of view utterly alien to what Spirit is, as to the standpoint of its philosophical study. (...) Intelligence is re-cognitive in and for itself ... its product, what is thought, is directly the fact, the simple identity of subjective and objective. It knows that 'what is thought' is 'what is', and that 'what is' only 'is' so far as it is thought. To think is thus simply to have thoughts; to have these alone as content and object."
Hegel - Encyclopaedia of the Philosophical Sciences

The same holds for phenomenological description which rests on the assimilation of all mental acts to one subjective form, as modifications of an original 'protodoxic' intentionality of consciousness, in Husserl's language, as modes of Dasein's being-in-theworld, or as even perhaps a function of one's speaking or writing. Not only is subjective objective polarity still residual in these views but the simple fact is not faced that intuiting, imagining or thinking are not properly to be described as acts of a subject in any sense, since subjectivity is already one of the terms in the free intellectual reciprocity in which such acts consist. In recalling anything, for example, I am as much in the object recalled as the object recalled is in me; and so for all cases. Thinking is not the act of a detached ego brooding over an alien world but the self-expressive activity in which it is a matter of indifference whether one says thinking immerses itself in being or being presents itself to thinking.
- Francis L. Jackson - Hegel's Psychology Of Freedom

2.6.12

"God is not outside us but is just us, the living and the dead, the never-lived and never-died. That we should learn it only now, is supreme reality, it was written a long time ago in the archives of universal mind, it is already done, there's no more to do." ~ Jack Kerouac

1.6.12

I interviewed an American nature writer - Barry Lopez - the other day. He's been to 70 countries, taken part in all sorts of rituals, and he said that there is one thing in common between all religions - The Holy Breath. Prana, The Holy Ghost, Aloha, Nilchi...

He told me the native Hawaiians live with a sense of aloha. The word "aloha" consists of two parts. "Alo" means to share and "ha" means to breathe. Aloha means to share breath, and more precisely to share the breath of life. Native Hawaiians often refer to Westerners as haole. The word "haole" also consists of two parts. "Ha", as we have learned, means breath and "ole" means without. In short, the native Hawaiians see Westerners as being people who are breathless. This is a fundamental difference between the Western culture and the Hawaiian culture. This difference has resulted in, and continues to result in, many confrontations among those who currently make Hawaii their home.

In one of Barry's stories he speaks about the Holy Spirit Wind which to the Navajo steadies us in the world and allows us to move through it gracefully. Their word for it is Nilchi'i. Among the complexities of its translation into English is “the Wind that is Creation's first food, the source of all motion and change, giving life to everything, including the mountains and water.” It is the underlying force that unifies everything and the means of communication between all elements of the natural world. He says: “Other native North American peoples have refined similar ideas; but the Navajo conception is particularly successful in relating the idea of the individual to the concept of a stable society... through Nilchi'i, individuals participate in graces or powers that surpass these of the individual... those graces or powers keep one secure in the world.”

26.5.12

First LD night in a long time. I guess this was the reason I had so many vivid dreams.

So I finally got to meet the big monster – sleep paralysis. Everyone’s been warning me about it and I kept laughing and saying there’s no such thing. Well, woke up at 5 for a WILD, you know the drill… Spent like half an hour motionlessly in bed, it wasn’t really pleasant cause I was in-between worlds, and wasn’t quite sure if this was a dream, let alone a lucid one…

All of a sudden a horrifying noise pours over me – I wasn’t sure if it was an earthquake, flooding water, a gate slamming or a coffin closing. Then I felt something covering me, like a blanket (or even earth?) – I was positive my roommate was in the room covering me with a blanket. It felt like being buried alive, literally. Psycho. And it was so real. But it was a really interesting experience, I would do it again!

Anyway, I was able to turn on the other side and the fun began. Almost all of my LDs are WILDs, so I looooove the moment I am finally in the dream world – the moment I look at my hands and the world around me and I’m sooo happy: I’m there! I’m finally there.

1.I’m in a park or something. I see a bar near the park and I go in. People on the stairs look at me as if I’m not allowed to enter but I’m able to control them with my hands – I make a magical gesture and they let me in. I pick a blond guy on the stairs, make a gesture and he comes with me. (He wasn’t even my type, really weird.) I’m holding his hand and the rest of my body is floating in the air like a balloon he’s holding. We make out, I wake up in the middle of it, haha, figures.

I loved this one:

2. I’m in the street in front of my house. The atmosphere is haunting, yet beautiful and peaceful. It’s been raining, everything is wet, the trees have an emerald glow, the sunlight is really warm, almost sepia, and gives the dream a retro feel. There is an old lady next to me and I’m positive she’s a dream guide. I ask her about her name, she says something like Nevi…

A boy is jumping around, trying to talk to me but I want to talk to my dream guide. She points to my house which looks really old and deserted. The windows in the brick wall are broken. I see a white bride in one of the windows – her hair is in a really tight bun. She is beautiful.

She starts stretching her hands and her whole body out the window and starts crawling like a spider on the red brick wall. Then I look at the other two windows and I see some album covers which come to life and start crawling on the wall too.

None of this scares me, I find it fascinating and keep saying to myself: This is just like a Lynch movie, oh my God, this is so Lynch!

Then I saw lots of bicycles right next to us on the street and asked the lady if she wanted to take a ride. She said OK and all three of us – me, her and the boy got on the bicycles. I tried to pedal but I couldn’t, but was able to ride effortlessly without pedaling.

3. I’m at a fruit and vegetable market, and I want to buy some cherries. However, they don’t look ripe enough to me, and I try to make a magic spell to make them darker. I couldn’t do it but the cherries turned into cherry-formed strawberries.

All of a sudden Sri Sri Ravi Shankar (a spiritual teacher) appears and starts giving out orders because all the food has to be donated to the poor. I keep trying to transform the cherries when the place transforms into a kitchen and a heroin chic girl walks in. She has a hole in her shirt and kind of runs her hand under the shirt and into the hole, so that it appears in front of her face.
I find this really sexy so I start undressing her. I notice she’s incredibly skinny, almost anorexic. She has a big black tattoo on her tummy – 5 rows of text in hieroglyphs. And, as usual, I wake up.

4. It’s just a dream fragment – a deaf and blind girl was singing in front of a choir – her voice was beautiful, and I was amazed how a deaf girl can sing like that.

5. I think I had a musical dream – I kept hearing this crazy composition with Sting’s voice and Bulgarian female choirs, it was amazing but for the life of me I can’t remember it.

6. The last dream was not lucid – I called a friend of mine and told him about the bride dream – it was a really vivid and detailed description, haha, almost the same as the one I just wrote. I basically wrote it in my dream.

18.5.12

Turn off your mind relax and float down stream
It is not dying, it is not dying

Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void,
It is shining, it is shining.

Yet you may see the meaning of within
It is being, it is being

Love is all and love is everyone
It is knowing, it is knowing

And ignorance and hate mourn the dead
It is believing, it is believing

But listen to the colour of your dreams
It is not leaving, it is not leaving

So play the game "Existence" to the end
Of the beginning, of the beginning

"Tomorrow Never Knows" is the final track of The Beatles' 1966 studio album Revolver but the first to be recorded. Credited as a Lennon/McCartney song, it was written primarily by John Lennon. An innovative recording, it contributed to Revolver's reputation as one of the group's most influential and expressive albums. Music critic Richie Unterberger of Allmusic said it was "the most experimental and psychedelic track on Revolver, in both its structure and production." The song has a vocal put through a Leslie speaker cabinet (which was normally used as a loudspeaker for a Hammond organ) and uses automatic double tracking (ADT) to double the vocal image. Tape loops prepared by Paul McCartney were mixed in and out of the Indian-inspired modal backing underpinned by Ringo Starr's irregular drum pattern.

John Lennon wrote the song in January 1966, with lyrics adapted from the book The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead by Timothy Leary, Richard Alpert, and Ralph Metzner, which in turn was adapted from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Although Peter Brown believed that Lennon's source for the lyric was the Tibetan Book of the Dead itself, which, he said, Lennon read whilst consuming LSD, George Harrison later stated that the idea for the lyrics came from Leary's, Alpert's and Metzner's book and McCartney confirmed this, stating that he and Lennon had visited the newly opened Indica bookshop — Lennon was looking for a copy of The Portable Nietzsche— and Lennon had found a copy of The Psychedelic Experience that contained the lines: "When in doubt, relax, turn off your mind, float downstream".

Lennon bought the book, went home, took LSD, and followed the instructions exactly as stated in the book. The book held that the "ego death" experienced under the influence of LSD and other psychedelic drugs is essentially similar to the dying process and requires similar guidance.

The title never actually appears in the song's lyrics. In an interview McCartney revealed that, like "A Hard Day's Night", it was taken from one of Ringo Starr's inimitable intentional malapropisms. The piece was originally titled "Mark I". "The Void" is cited as another working title but according to Mark Lewisohn (and Bob Spitz) this is untrue, although the books, The Love You Make: An Insider's Story of the Beatles and The Beatles A to Z both cite "The Void" as the original title.

15.5.12

14.5.12

i won't think it
i won't speak it
but i feel it
and i see it
and it comes down
and surrounds us
with sensation
with perfection
without purpose
and there's colour
and there's light
and there's movement
on the other side of the world
with each movement
new reactions
cause sensations
which move through us
and the warm wind
kissed your body
and the sun was rising
on the other side of the world
and there's colour
and there's light
and sensation
on the other side of the world
now i breathe it
and i see it
before thinking
and it's perfect
without purpose
and there's colour
and there's light
and they're rising
on the other side of the world

Now I'm breathing the breath of god,
And the cold wind cleans my
Mind
And I'm standing in a ring of fire, and
My heart s made of light
And I fly across the red mountains.
And my hands contain the sky
And earth rolls away in
Darkness, and I ride a piece of
Lightning,
Killing time, killing time

Now they punish our imagination, and
Corrupt our blood with fear,
And infinity's beneath the ocean, but
Oblivion sits right beside me here
So we are blind and we're polluted,
And each breath is drunk with
Tears
We'll drift away across tomorrow,
And we'll ride the breath of
Nothing
Through the years, killing time,
Killing time.

Psychedelics affect all of our mental functions: perception, emotion, thinking, body awareness, and our sense of self.
Perceptual or sensory effects often, but not always, are primary. Objects in our field of vision appear brighter or duller, larger or smaller, and seem to be shifting shape and melting. Eyes closed or open, we see things that have little to do with the outside world: swirling, colorful, geometric cloud patterns, or well-formed images of both animate and inanimate objects, in various conditions of motion or activity.
Sounds are softer or louder, harsher or gentler. We hear new rhythms in the wind. Singing or mechanical sounds appear in a previously silent environment.
The skin is more or less sensitive to touch. Our ability to taste and smell becomes more or less acute.
Our emotions overflow or dry up. Anxiety or fear, pleasure or relaxation, all feelings wax and wane, overpoweringly intense or frustratingly absent. At the extremes lie terror or ecstasy. Two opposite feelings may exist together at the same time. Emotional conflicts become more painful, or a new emotional acceptance takes place. We have a new appreciation of how others feel, or no longer care about them at all.
Our thinking processes speed up or slow down. Thoughts themselves become confused or clearer. We notice the absence of thoughts, or it is impossible to contain the flood of new ideas. Fresh insights about problems come, or we become hopelessly stuck in a mental rut. The significance of things takes on more importance than the things themselves. Time collapses: in the blink of an eye, two hours pass. Or time expands: a minute contains a never-ending march of sensations and ideas.
Our bodies are hot or cold, heavy or light; our limbs grow or shrink; we move upward or downward through space. We feel the body no longer exists, or that the mind and body have separated.
We feel more or less in control of our "selves." We experience others influencing our minds or bodies—in ways that are beneficial or frightening. The future is ours for the taking, or fate has determined everything and there is no point in trying.
Psychedelics affect every aspect of our consciousness. It is this unique consciousness that separates our species from all others below, and that gives us access to what we consider the divine above. Maybe that's another reason why the psychedelics are so frightening and so inspiring: They bend and stretch the basic pillars, the structure and defining characteristics, of our human identity.

There is shadow under this red rock, (Come in under the shadow of this red rock), And I will show you something different from either Your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

8.5.12

“My soul, where are you? Do you hear me? I speak. I call you—are you there? I have returned. I am here again. I have shaken the dust of all the lands from my feet, and I have come to you again.”~ Jung - The Red Book, p. 232

12.4.12

Through their own conduct [people] often lock themselves out of the best that is within them. Only afterward do they realize how poor they have become. They have cut themselves off from the world of goodness and beauty within them. . . . So many people have to bear this burden. It is what makes them lose heart. They pass a garden and know that the flowers blossoming in it are no longer for them.
— Albert Schweitzer, quoted in Thoughts for Our Times, Peter Pauper Press, 1975

9.4.12

Our Mother, who art in Earth,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
On us as it is in you.
As you send Thy angels every day,
Send them to us aswell
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those
Who trespass against you.
And lead us not into sickness,
But deliver us from evil,
Because yours is the earth
And the body
And the health
Amen.

8.4.12

Don't try to figure it out. It's too simple for intellect/the mind.
And then, and this is good...
Just softly (right? softly)..be with what informs you that you exist.
Righto cheerio? It's simple. No need to complicate it...
I like the softly be with that which informs you that you exist. Yea. That is all that is necessary..all the rest ain't...necessary...okay? Take care...and once again...softly be...
- Bo

7.4.12

In the Infinite Circle of the Divine Presence which completely envelopes me, I affirm that:

There is only one presence here -- it is HARMONY, which creates a vibration in all hearts of happiness and joy.
Whoever enters here will feel the vibration of Divine Harmony.

There is only one presence here -- it is LOVE. God is love, which envelopes all beings in a single feeling of unity. This sanctuary is filled with the presence of love. In Love, I live, I move and I exist.
Whoever enters here will feel the pure and holy Presence of Love.

There is only one presence here - it is TRUTH. All that exists here, all that is spoken here, all that is brought here is the expression of Truth.
Whoever enters here will feel the Presence of Truth.

There is only one presence here -- it is JUSTICE. Justice reigns in this sanctuary. Every act practiced here is ruled and inspired by Justice.
Whoever enters here will feel the Presence of Justice.

There is only one presence here -- it is the presence of God, who is GOODNESS. No evil can enter here. There is no evil in God. God, who is Goodness, dwells here.
Whoever enters here will feel the Divine Presence of Goodness.

There is only one presence here -- it is the presence of God, who is LIFE. God is the essential Life of all beings. He is the health of body and mind.
Whoever enters here will feel the Divine Presence of life and Health.

There is only one presence here -- it is the presence of God, who is PROSPERITY. God is Prosperity because She makes everything grow and prosper. God expresses Herself through the Prosperity of all that is carried out in Her name.
Whoever enters here will feel the Divine Presence of Prosperity and Abundance.

Through the esoteric symbol of the Divine Wings, I am in harmonious vibration with the universal currents of Wisdom, Power & Joy.
The Presence of Divine Wisdom is manifested here.
The Presence of Divine Joy is deeply felt by all those who enter here.

In the perfect communion between my lower self and my Higher Self, which is God in me, I consecrate this sanctuary to the perfect expression of all divine qualities which are in me and in all beings. The vibrations of my thoughts are the forces of God in me, which are stored here and hence radiated to all beings -- thus establishing this place as a center of giving and receiving of all that is Good, Joyful and Prosperous.

Whatever is on my mind, I say it as I feel it, I'm truthful to myself; I'm young and I'm old, I've been bought and I've been sold, so many times. I am hard-faced, I am gone. I am just like you.
- Henry Barthes (Detachment)

6.4.12

"Sooner or later nuclear physics and the psychology of the unconscious will draw closer together as both of them, independently of one another and from opposite directions, push forward into transcendental territory, the one with the concept of the atom, the other with that of the archetype" - Jung

Hope is the last thing that he needs
Hope is a candle that feeds
Off of the edge
And it needs almost nothing
Hope only got us so far
And the saddest thing is the wind
That blows your head
On the seeds of our Nothing

28.3.12

Once we understand that the integrity of our personal existences are completely dependent on the integrity of everything else in our world.
We﻿ have truly understood the meaning of unconditional love.
For love is extensionality and seeing everything as you
and you as everything can have no conditionalities, for in fact, we are all everything at once. (Peter Joseph, Zeitgeist Addendum)

17.3.12

MY heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began,
So is it now I am a man,
So be it when I shall grow old
Or let me die!
The child is father of the man:
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin...
I am the barren one, and many are her sons...
I am the silence that is incomprehensible....
I am the utterance of my name.

WHY WE BELIEVE IN WHAT WE DO?

For I am knowledge and ignorance
I am shame and boldness
I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am war and peace.
Give heed to me.
I am the one who is disgraced and the great one.

WHY WE BELIEVE IN WHAT WE DO?

And they will find me there,
And they will find me there,
And they will find me there,
and they will live,
they'll not die again.

29.2.12

How, everybody?
How about a body at moonlight
How about a body at home
How about a body at moonlight,
How our body's alone
I don't want to bother your moonlight
I don't want to bother your soul
I don't want to bother your moonlight
How our body's alone
Say, Cold
Cold,
Cold.
How about a body at moonlight
How about a body at home
How about a body at moonlight,
How our body's alone
I don't want to bother your moonlight
I don't want to bother your soul
I don't want to bother your moonlight
How our body's alone
Say, Cold
Cold,
Ghost.
Tonight.
Bathe in the light…
It's alright.
Say, Cold
Ghost...
Ghost...
I'm out of body at moonlight
I'm out of body at home
I'm out of body at moonlight
How our body's alone
I don't want to bother your moonlight
I don't want to bother your soul
I don't want to bother your moonlight,
How our body's alone
Tonight, tonight.
Soothe your mind.

I had the waking up within the dream phenomena for the first time tho which was fun!
Ehm, all I remember was:
1. I was trying to talk to random people about my bachelor thesis and it worked - they told me stuff I hadn't figured out.
2. I asked my mom what would make her happy? She replied: holding two baby gloves (meaning my son's and his little friend's)
3. I told a guy in a shop he was beautiful - he was an old guy, and he was reeeeally peculiar, and I told him he was beautiful cause I was amazed what my own imagination created. Everyone around started clapping, haha. Me clapping to myself, ain't I egocentric?
4. I was showing a girl at home how flying around is a piece of cake. She asked: "Well, what if it's a terrible dream?"
I told her: "Well, then you jump off the window, and kill yourself."
Which was funny cause I think life is a dream, but killing yourself in real life would be considered insane.

I think that's it. Really chaotic this time, I should sleep more.

i discovered that if you don't trust the dream and start pushing toward a certain goal, things around you totally screw up. you wanna see your dad in the dream but all of a sudden you end up in australia (that's dream reality, totally illogical) and you're mad cause you couldn't see your dad. if you were just enjoying the trip to australia, everything would've been fine. just go with the flow, and know that life / the dream ALWAYS surprises you.

I go into my dream body: I'm at home, my mom is in bed. I rub my hands, look at them, this moment is always exhilerating. I try spinning so I can stay in the dream. My mom is not very surprised, I often do it in real life so nothing new here. It's dark outside and I don't like it. I start snapping my fingers towards the window and saying: "Light! Light! Light!" and the sky is getting lighter. My mom, however, gets mad:

"Light, light - what is it with you people with this constant longing for light?!"

(Philosophical, eh?)
It didn't get totally sunny the way I wanted it though.

Then I hear my son laughing, I see him sitting on a chair and pick him up - he's like 2 years younger, and I'm like: "Oh my Goooood, Yoyo, you're so small and light!"
I was so happy to see my baby son that I awoke.

Dream 2

I guess it was a WILD cause I got into my dream body, I was at a secluded area somewhere in the mountains - hand rubbing and looking again, and I decided to fly over the trees. I flew over a city to a sea shore and a beach. Then it got very dark, I was at a pool or something, sitting next to a chubby aging guy who was pretty happy and cynical. I asked him:
"Who are you?"
He was like: "Well, isn't this the scariest question of all? I'm the answerer. (Отговорчикът!)"
Then I saw my son in the water and asked him:
"Are you happy?"
"Why?", he replied.
It's getting more and more philosophical, and I love it. "Why" is a great answer to "Are you happy?" It's like... happiness is a natural state and asking about it only spoils it.

Then someone told me that my son's teacher hurt his leg or something, and I got scared => lost my lucidity.

never fought harder than this
i built my temple on this
pushing, fighting, bleeding, taking, giving
every second closer to the ceiling
i will assemble all this
down to the last broken piece
tension in the atmosphere is lower
gravity is slowly taking over

14.2.12

9.2.12

So this is the trip I need help understanding. It floored me. It horrified me to my core - humbled, baffled, obliterated, and scattered me like nothing else has. It made me swear off spice and all other entheo/psychedelics forever...

Now, had I been alone, no big deal. I don’t frighten easily (another classic sign of stupidity), but with my son there I had a revelation: if it came down to it and a bear came charging out of the woods at us, I felt certain that I would run, drawing the beast away to sacrifice myself to save my son . I don’t take this lightly : it was the first time I realized, despite all the philoso-babble to the contrary, that you can indeed commit a truly selfless act. It freaked my selfish little self out. I was terrified (for the first of two times that day as I was to discover later…) - terrified both for my son and by the realization that if a bear did present itself, I would die a grizzly death (pardon the pun…).

First of all, much respect to those who can navigate these deep swampy waters; I for one have no vessel and no oar, and in the absence of a keel to direct the path, I am lost lost lost and fear I shall never be found for there is nowhere to be found and no one to find or do the finding and nothing but this maelstrom, this void that is as empty and vacuous as anything my imagination can behold…

Massive primary coloured letters of sorts – most indecipherable, but at least one a strange permutation of the capital letter E, hurtling toward me without really moving in the chaotic miasma that I am in/that is in me/that is me.

Thrust into the maelstrom and stripped so profoundly of the impression that « I am » and that I exist, that whatever is left of me is thoroughly convinced that all I believed I had experienced, up to now, reveals itself, like a dagger through the heart of the mind, as an elaborate illusion to which I shall never return. Worse than cessation, more painful than the thought of death is the realization that you NEVER WERE… (note : I have, in my clearer moments, accepted my death and have faced it numerous times with other materials, but this, as with my experiences with salvia, was of an order more disturbing, to say the least…)

In the midst of the mess was a chorus : « it’s Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, it’s Saturday » screeching across the vista of my mind, until, sitting up and opening my eyes in a futile attempt to dispel the hell, I realize, seeing the room utterly transformed, that it is me screaming the day of the week – but it’s not me as well. And it’s Sunday. And I am never coming back to know what a day of the week is, because there is NO BACK TO, NO FROM, AND NO TO (let alone the mundanity of a day of a week of some year in some life). (note : I had a similar salvia trip where my field of view was filled with orange monochromatic, puffy and expanding, thick, black-outlined cartoon school buses, and a similar chorus was singing, invitingly, menacingly and with ambivalence all at once in voices that were a dis/harmony of insectoid screeches layered over the clearest of sopranos : « it’s Wednesday, Wednesday, it’s Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday… » ; yes, accompanied with the same sensations described above – IT FELT LIKE THE SAME PLACE. Maybe my mind is not constructed for the use of these substances…)

A loop - endless inexorable recursion… I sit up and then fall back into a cartoon abyss of colours and Saturday Saturday Saturday… Endless eternal indomitable recursion, an irremediable feedback loop (note : curiously I have always maintained that video/audio feedback loops are the face/voice of god…) – consciousness itself ? Am I at the root of the Hofstadter loop? The MandelThought ? The firmware of my mind ? Is this a breakthrough, pure and horrifying ? Have I disabled the illusion, unbuilt the edifice of « consensual reality » to get down to the base, most reptilian and ancient form of simple consciousness – a terrifying self-referential eternal loop of non-being ? or un-being ? the horror…

The universe and our consciousness (common and universal or not) is neither good nor evil nor ambivalent, but rather profoundly indifferent, and as neutral as any void can be. I feel this more than I know it.

Once the most intense of these sensations passed, I am able to open my eyes. There is another dimension visible : height, length, width and the passage of time have newly revealed themselves, but in addition to these co-ordinates is another. I don’t need to tell you it was indescribable, but I will nevertheless do my best with these monkey paws and keystrokes. Like trailers from walls and stairs and in the very air itself, but at once so much more than a simple visual phenomenon, I feel I am glimpsing something new to me, but that has always been there. I feel not unlike a beast who understands up, down, to and fro and has a sudden epiphany that it exists also in a universe of passing moments, conceptualizing past, present and future in an instant through the sudden awakening of a new sense.

I realize I am no more than a raw ego-less nerve of consciousness, subjected to a nonsensical and arbitrary string of luminescent and aural detritus. (Note : I meant during the trip, but the cynic in me supposes this could be applied to everyday living…)

It felt about as spiritual as a kitchen knife excoriation. I can only conclude that the spiritual aspect of this substance lies in the interpretation of the experience - but that contradicts my very understanding of spirituality as something felt not thought. I don’t…

I enjoy challenges, but this seems insurmountable, an unassailable task of back and forth and down down down through a self-perpetuating, Sisyphean recursive loop, like a perpetual motion ride past the far reaches of sanity… Where is the value in this ? What wisdom is to be had that cannot otherwise be gleaned ?

Cresting and lulling waves messing with the fine mesh of mind…

Other Spice journeys stimulated, made me think ; this one ground the thinking apparatus to a precipitous halt. Beyond intellect and beyond description and above all beyond even intuitive comprehension. The ball that rolled didn’t only cease to roll, it first became a cube, then vaulted through and beyond the realm of multi-dimensional polyhedra and became an ineffable 8i5v n 843-tg8i’jiknp2… I can’t even attempt to understand. The only questions that remain are whether it is worth returning to hyperspace (assuming I was there…) and – is…it…dangerous… ?

I don’t want to discredit the advice often given on the nexus to remain calm and not to resist, but to me at this point it is analogous to hitting someone in the head with a bat and telling them not to feel the pain (note : I am sure some zen aficionados out there will have something to say on this subject). I suppose I did resist, but I have no clear idea through what mechanism, ‘cause I did not feel there was an active I to resist with. « I » was obliterated, so if there was resistance and an absence of calm, from whence… ?

If you can’t make sense of something because the word sense no longer applies or signifies, then is there a point, a meaning beyond simply an absence thereof ?

At what cost wisdom ? and is it wisdom if it proves unwise ? There are so many paths to wisdom, and none of them promised or guaranteed – therein lies their beauty and value. But in the balance of things, is the price and the risk involved in certain behaviours, along uncertain paths worth the distant possibility of wisdom ? Someone hit by a truck, paraplegic, learns lessons everyday that no one not confined to a wheelchair and incapable of voluntary movement can learn. There is wisdom here that can be learned nowhere else, but no one in their right mind would throw themselves in front of a truck to gain these insights. There are other paths and other wisdoms ; are we throwing ourselves in front of a truck called spice ? Or am I ? Or is it only me that feels this way ?

Thanks for reading ; sorry for the length. Tough write. Not really in my nature to expose myself like this, nor to ask for help. But I guess that’s spice right?

The father to his son,
Says you have to be weak to be strong
You have to be scared to be brave,
You have to know fear to be saved
The son to his father,
Says I'm too scared to be a man
I'm too dumb to be a fool,
Father help me understand
And he says
War war war,
War against your soul
Dig dig dig,
Dig your coffin's hole
Everyone must face their demons
And now the turn is yours
Father what's it all about,
Am I too in to get out
Am I too guilty to be free,
Are the whole world sinners or just me
Son you've got the whole thing wrong,
The road is neither short nor long
The answer's neither white nor black,
And it weighs heavy on your back
Go go go,
Go until you're old
Run run run,
Run to catch your soul
Every man must learn to love his demon,
Your demon's name is yours
War war war,
War against your soul
Dig dig dig,
Dig your coffin's hole
Everyone must face their demons
And now the turn is yours