Guy knocks at neighbor’s door. “Sorry, John,” he said, “I know you’re tired from work but I need help. I can’t get into my house as my door key is in my trousers which I’ve left beside the bed.”“Okay, what do you want me to do?” the neighbor asked.“Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them for me,” was the reply.

“Your honor,” said a young man. “I’d like to get married please.”“All right, what’s you age?”“22, sir.”“And the bride’s?”“She’s 15 sir.”“15? That’s too young and against the law!”“I see,” said the young man. “Could you explain that to the man next to her with a shotgun?”

GIRL: “Babe, where are you?”GUY: “I’m waiting for the bus.”GIRL: “Hurry up!”GUY: “Alright, babe, I’ll just wait a bit faster.”

Every time a bird poos on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch…Just to show them what I’m capable of.

A cop pulls over a car, and he asked “Sir, do you know how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”The offender replied, “I’ve had 8 martinis, officer.”“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive…,” the cop said back.

When I see a woman driving a taxi, I smile and think how far our society have come in terms of gender equality…And then I wait for the next cab.

Two old men were reading headstones a a cemetery.MICK: “Paddy! There’s a bloke here who was 150!”PADDY: “What’s his name?”MICK: “Kilometers from Baguio!”

A man’s plaint:“I hate the effects of middle age..I kinda expected the beer belly, sagging skin and baldness..But I thought it would happen to me, not my wife.”

I walked into a room full of women and they couldn’t stop staring at me.That’s what happens when you go to piss and go to the wrong comfort room!

To all the women that wear a lot of make-up:Take it easy, it is called a FACE…Not a COLORING BOOK!

A wife asked her husband for a new phone, similar to blackberry or an iPhone…In reply, he gave her a black-I.