Borowitz Report

By Andy Borowitz & r & & r & BUSH URGES BOOK BURNING AS ALTERNATIVE FUEL & lt;BR & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & I & lt;/span & n a nationally televised speech last night, President George W. Bush urged using State of Denial, the new book by Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward, as an alternative fuel source by burning millions of copies of the book.

The president, who in his State of the Union address declared that the United States was "addicted to oil," said that by burning the entire print run of the Woodward book, the U.S. could once and for all end its dependence on Middle Eastern petroleum.

"For some time, our nation has been looking for a cheap, plentiful alternative to Middle Eastern oil," Mr. Bush told the nation. "I have personally burned one hundred copies of Bob Woodward's book and I can tell you that it burns cleanly and efficiently."

While many Republicans in Congress applauded Mr. Bush's suggestion to use Woodward's book as an alternative source of energy, Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota warned that State of Denial, while a national bestseller, was not a renewable fuel source.

"Burning Bob Woodward's book is not a long-term solution to America's energy problem," Professor Logsdon said. "When all of the copies of State of Denial have been burned, what then?"

Responding to Professor Logsdon's criticism, White House spokesman Tony Snow offered this response: "Colin Powell has a book coming out next week."

Elsewhere, announcing his plans to enter rehab, former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) said, "I am grateful for the support of all my friends, especially the ones on MySpace."