In article <35CE4264.2E0AEE50@slip.net>, Eric Umehara wrote:
> I'm learning perl and am curious what is the purpose of Perl?? What can it
> do and what has it done.

Perl can bend steel bars and move mountains. Perl can tie back the hands of
time. Perl is good for the goose and for the gander. Perl can beat up Mike
Tyson with one hand tied behind its back. Perl can make a rock so heavy it
can't lift it.

Perl has saved the rainforests, it has been to the moon, and it has cured
all major diseases. It has exceeded all known bounds. It has mapped the
universe and created an exact duplicate. Perl has danced with angels and
dined with Shakespeare.

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral
service of her
seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a
happy
marriage for the three months it lasted.

Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the
rhythm of the
church bells." She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't
clanged by, he'd
be alive today."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting
very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying
from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and
said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to
health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my
demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.
There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and
told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his
father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is
cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my
son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom
when I`m gone."

Sadie and Esther of women were playing golf one sunny Sunday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

Sadie rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and
found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"

Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 14:25:48 -0500
From: Michael Cornelius
Subject: Getting from here to there
A blond stood upon the banks of a raging river, looking for a way to
cross. The rapids looked far too treacherous to risk, so the blond
started along the bank looking for a better place to wade across.
After several minutes of hiking, the blond spied a second blond on the
far bank of the river.

"Hey!" the first blond called to the second. "How do I get over to the
other side?"

Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are
air-tight.
They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the
car
again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test.

Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one
of
their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the
cat was gone....

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/

A few (okay, okay, more than a few) years ago, I took my two daughters,
then ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven
year old was very proud as she was able to read the sign with all the rules
to her sister. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go
down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the girls promised to obey them all, if I
would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that
they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them, calling
them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the
rules,
and went over to the picnic area and began preparing our lunch.
When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance
for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I
found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but
one.

They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or
backward. Angrily, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted
regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud, again. Then I asked
the girls what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered
immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for '98.
The only thing he's missing is a good quarterback to replace the
injured Dan Marino. He has scouted all the colleges, and even the
high schools, but can't seem to find a quarterback that will ensure a
Super
Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in the
Israeli territories. In the background, out of the corner of his eye
he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.
First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window
over
200 yards away--ka-BOOM!
Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10
soldiers a good110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour -- bulls-eye! Another
grenade
right into the barely open window. "I've got to get me this
guy," Jimmy says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he
brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably,the young man breaks all NFL records for completed
passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Dolphins go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXV
and
when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to
do is call his mother.
Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young
quarterback
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super
Bowl
"I don't vant to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted
us.
you're no longer my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads.
"I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the
middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile
of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life
last
week,and this week your sister was brutally attacked in broad
daylight...."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving
us
to Miami."

Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asks the first truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"
The truck driver responds, "Sure."
St. Peter then asks him, "Did you ever exceed the speed
limit?"
The driver responds, "All the time."
Then St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The truck driver heartily responded, "Every chance I got."
St. Peter then told the first truck driver to go through door
number 3 of the three available doors.
Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver, "Did you ever
break the law?"
The truck driver responds, "Sometimes."
"Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
"Every now and then."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
"A couple of times."
St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter door
number 3.
St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions...
"Did you ever break the law?"
The truck driver says, "No."
He then asks, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
Again the driver responds, "No."
St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and said, "Well, once.
You see, I was in this bar in Nebraska. I noticed they only had one
woman in it for all of the men. I asked the bartender why this was,
and he said, 'Well, she's all we need. She can suck a golf ball
through a garden hose'... so that's when I cheated on my wife."
St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1.
The truck driver, in amazement, asks, "What?? You sent the others
to door number 3?"
St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, and they are going to hell. But you
and I are going to Nebraska!"

***************************************
Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.
-- Groucho Marx

A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He
took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not
a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping
to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of
wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of
anticipation. When
the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass,
I
inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstacy. It
seems
as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to
glow.
The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I
am
transported into
another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/

Marry Lou and Peggie Sue were on the field, harvesting some carrots for
lunch. Marry Lou pulls out of the ground a giant carrot, at least 17 inches
long, very thick, earth flowing down from it's many secondary roots.
"See, Peggie Sue, this carrot's EXactly like my man's dick!"

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for
a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, "Pierre,
kiss me!"
So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's
lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieked Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up.
So she said, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and
starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?!"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white
meat I like to have white wine!"
They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre's ear,
"Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and

sprinkled it all over her groin. He took a match and lit it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "PIERRE! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I
go down in flames!"

3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present once again.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, computers, and carburetors.
7. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

8. Shopping is not sport.

9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

10. You have enough clothes.

11. You have too many shoes.

12. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like
it.

13. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

14. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark anniversaries
on a calendar.

15. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

16. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?

17. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

18. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
19. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

20. Films starring Barbara Streisand are for Girls Night Out.

21. Check your oil.

22. Don't give us rules.

23. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

28. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

29. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
30. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done -- not both.

31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

32. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
33. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

34. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you
do.

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its
flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry. (Anyone looking for a job?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.

In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises."

This all started when a friend asked if we could consider Christianity
to be "Judaism++". What would happen if some religions were treated as
programming languages?

Judaism (J): Block-structured religion, with syntax literally carved in
blocks, although many J programmers argue about language semantics. In
program name spaces, there is only one divine object with global scope,
and no nested blocks may override its definition. Unfortunately,
debugging is difficult as the divine object cannot even be named, and
therefore exists only in whitespace. Most programs make heavy use of
"guilt()" call of "lman.a". Must use RL(1) parsers.

Roman Catholicism (J++): Object-oriented version of J (hence J++). J++
has overridden the divine object and provided a name, with other method
names seeing changes and new methods added (eg. grace(), confess() are
added to Man; "Messiah" is kept, "Sheol" is now "Las Vegas", etc.) J++
Systems Analysts must, curiously, remain celibate. The reference
platform definition resides in Rome with changes and additions made
constantly. This could be blamed by the Senior Systems Analysts'
fondness for espresso and cardinal numbers. Rumours that the language
must be expressed using only Polish notation are false.

Protestants (P, J++-): In a reaction against the ornateness of J++,
several European programmers developed P by removing contentious
library calls in J++ (eg. "checkCelibacy", "payIndulgence",
"enterPurgatory", "fishOnFridays", etc.). Different P installations
originally accepted each other's code, but, alas and alack, this is no
longer the case. There have been a few attempts to come up with a
Pcode virtual religion, but converting from one dialect to another is
difficult, and by the time the resulting program is finished running
with Pcode, the programmer ends up in therapy with a Jungian. Many J++
programmers convert to using P, but the reverse is much rarer and more
spectacular.

Southern-Baptists (Q): This is a dialect of P in which proof of program
correctness is an executing program. Q code which crashes is held to
be incorrect, but until this happens, it is nearly impossible to
convince a Q programmer that their running program has bugs. For some
reason, a recent Q language conference strengthened an old J rule that
source programs with suffix ".xx" must, without question, execute
commands given by programs with suffix ".xy".

Islam (A): There is some contention as to whether or not A code is
inspired by J and J++ language features or if it just overrides J and
J++ methods. A programmers can easily switch between J, J++ and A
code. (However, several international J++/A programming conferences
held south of Tel Aviv between the years 1095 and 1272 turned ugly as
possession of the J reference platform was disputed.) Much of A
programming revolves around appeals to an oracle object named "K",
which resolves all collisions in the combined J, J++ and A namespace.
Many different dialects of A remain popular, although interoperation
efforts have been occasionally described as "internecine". The
reference platform can be seen in Mecca only by A programmers.

Mormons (M): Inherits all method interfaces from P but completely
changes their implementations. This confuses most P programmers as
their programs will run on an M machine, but the programs have
radically different semantics from the original. Reference platform is
in Salt Lake City. Young M programmers travel in pairs, handing out
language specs and programming advice for free. Many non-M
practitioners have this spec on their shelves, but never get around to
reading it. Legend has it that an M programmer wrote the precursor to
"Doom".

Atheists (--): These programmers eschew programming languages, and
instead work with specification languages. They insist that a divine
object does not exist because it cannot be fully specified. They work
with J and J++ programmers, pointing out all the errors in latter's
code. Sadly, they actually get no work accomplished themselves because
of all the time spent specifying programs that never work properly,
although their one article of faith is that program failure is always
the fault of the programmer and never the specifier.

New Age (Omega): A scripting language combining features from the
world's major religions. Some practitioners consider themselves
wizards because of the language's difficult syntax and semantics (a bit
like awk, sed and Rexx, but with no whitespace). These wizards have
been seen explaining their code to J++ and P programmers, but the
latter have not been able to make head(1) nor tail(1) of the
algorithms. P programmers insist Omegans are really pagans, but there
is no evidence of Omegans performing code reviews at the stroke of
midnight, waving dead chickens, or using assembly code.

Author Unknown
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk
to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.
If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of
those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.

7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.

8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you
can concentrate.

9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it , I mean it, as
soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

11. Listen to the other side.

12. Check your e-mail again.

13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university,
the world at large.

15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
its special flavor.

17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since
the last time you checked.

18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours,
anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions:
+Pro Bowler's Tour
+any movie starring Don Ameche
+Star Trek

19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.

21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone
is.

23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.

25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.

28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Identical twin brothers, one lives a godly life, good husband and
father, reputable businessman, lots of community service.
cheats and lies.
They both die at about the same time. The good twin is in heaven and
can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is not as the good twin
imagined. His brother is drinking and partying, lots of beautiful
women, music, dancing, passionate kissing going on.
The good twin sees St Peter and says to him, "Mind you, I'm not
complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down
there looks like he's having the time of is life.
He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is
kissing."
St Peter puts an arm on the man's shoulder and says, "My son, all is not
as it seems.
The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY

It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished
his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.
It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right,
I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds
form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, God, I need a
bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other
to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree
on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but
his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook,
and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"

>The Evolution Of Mom
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
>each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
>differs from having your first:

>The Baby's Name
>* 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice
>pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
>* 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your
>great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
>* 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and
>see where your finger points.

>Preparing for the Birth
>* 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
>* 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
>remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
>* 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
>
>The Layette
>* 1st baby: You cherish your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
>them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
>* 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
>clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
>* 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
>
>Worries
>* 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a
>frown-you pick up the baby.
>* 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
>to wake your firstborn.
>* 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
>mechanical swing.

>Activities
>* 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
>Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
>* 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
>* 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
>the dry cleaner.

>Going Out
>* 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
>you call home 5 times.
>* 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
>remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
>* 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only
>if she sees blood.

>At Home
>* 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
>the baby.
>* 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure
>your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
>* 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
>children.
>

>STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
>
>1. Stray cats will not be fed.
>
>2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
>
>3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
>moistened with a little milk.
>
>4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
>moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
>
>5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
>permanent residence.
>
>6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and
>cuddled unnecessarily.
>
>7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
>will absolutely not be given a name.
>
>8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
>house at any time.
>
>9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at
>certain times.
>
>10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
>ending in "y".
>
>11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on
>or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
>
>12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen
>claws on the really good furniture.
>
>13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen
>claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
>
>14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
>
>15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
>high- impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
>
>16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
>pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
>
>17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
>
>18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
>
>19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
>
>20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old
>blanket.
>
>21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
>non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
>
>22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
>
>23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at
>the foot.
>
>24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
>covers.
>
>25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
>covers except at the foot.
>
>26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
>
>27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
>
>28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on
>the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l
>o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
>

A Letter of Apology From The Chap
Who Was Fired After The Christmas Party....
(Author Unknown)

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of
general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you
have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I
must have done something wrong at the office Christmas
Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way
of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to
everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and
dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the
things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware
that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese
whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you
buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of
my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too.
About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly
I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they
were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense,
I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade
on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and
we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure
you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest
thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd
have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat
lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped
through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been
killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the
false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would
make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot
of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to
the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie
quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on
the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes
me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes
and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room,
is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very
embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them
and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your
falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was
a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed
funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband
is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling
them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am
forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......

****************************************************
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards
to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you!"

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD
is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't
know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been
working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not
left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he
could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply
said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual
charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to
throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet
another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all
usary rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take
out loans.

Its an ill wind ......

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been
working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's
all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the
turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run
backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem.
I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
If you have any ideas please let me know,
Plutonius

Tradition says that because Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow, spring
is right around the corner. What are other signs that spring is almost here?
Henry Hyde saw his toes. Six more weeks of impeachment. (CYoungdahl)
The Thanksgiving decorations have rotted off my door. (MMaddox461)
With the warming sun, my earwax is much easier to remove. (Oslin4)
The baseball strike has almost begun. (Scottheaxe)

That rite of spring, the professional basketball season, is about to start.
(AdamsonCom)

My Chia Pet is blooming! My Chia Pet is blooming! (TgerHobs)

When those pesky leaves start growing back. Then you just have to rake them
up again next fall. Won't the cycle ever stop? (Khubz)

(c) WitCity Studios, 1999
All rights reserved

--------

February 10, 1999

As Elizabeth Dole ponders whether or not to run for the Republican nomination
for president, what are some of the campaign slogans she is considering?
"All the Midwestern values of your regular Dole, but half the bitterness."
(Expressml)

"Elizabeth Dole for President: Your chance to completely and utterly squash
the self-respect and dignity out of my husband." (Yuk Spam)

"Elizabeth Dole: Cheating My Husband Out of the Presidency." (MTRulz)
"Dole II. With a Vengeance." (Kennycook)

"Vote for me on November 4. I might not be as lively or exciting as my late
husband, but I -- What? He's not dead? (Zapweasel)

(c) WitCity Studios, 1999
All rights reserved

--------

February 16, 1999

What lessons has America learned from the impeachment saga that concluded on
Friday?

Never let the camera pan to a full body shot of Henry Hyde EVER again.
(Merkutio)

Pornography is okay as long as it has to do with current events. "Yes honey,
I have to watch the Pamela and Tommy sex tape so I can stay informed!"
(LouieXVI)

William Rehnquist isn't as hot as I thought he was. Excuse me while I go
burn my poster and collector's cards. (CalicoLuvr)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

February 17, 1999

The new Kevin Costner film "Message in a Bottle" topped the box office last
weekend. What is the movie about?

A postman from a world in the future where the earth is covered with water
steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but gives it all up to build a
baseball stadium in a corn field in Iowa while gradually gaining the trust of
a wolf and of his native American neighbors. Then one day a bottle falls out
of the sky and it has a message in it that reads, "Give it up, Kevin, you
can't act." (Galloway56)

"You've been in the ocean for forty-five days. Do you still wish to bob
around?" (Amantfleur)

Evenflo. Oh, sorry, that's the message ON a bottle. (L1127susan)
You twist open the top, look under the cap and it says "Sorry. You didn't win
this time. Maybe your next film won't be a stinker." (CYoungdahl)
It's about all those really tiny people who make the model boats in a bottle.
(BIRSH)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

February 18, 1999

Kraft has introduced "Light Done Right" salad dressings, a complete sentence
product name like "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." What are other full
sentence product names?

"Where In Hell Is It, You Had It Last" universal remote control. (SuperRuth)
"Well, What Did You Expect?" home face lift kit. (WPTigg2)

The "Most Guns Don't Kill People, But This One Does" Berretta. (Pub)
"You Won't Remember It Wasn't Good Scotch." (MMAPR)

"You Don't Know What's in This Bottle, but Check Out the Babe in a Bikini on
the Front!" (Devinstan)

"I'm So Ashamed that My Hair Is Gray that I'll Go to Any Lengths to Disguise
It, Up to and Including Using this Foul-Smelling Swill" (L1127susan)
"I've Been in Your Wallet For 16 Years; Give Up Already!" brand condoms.
(RKingan)

The new "We Know What You Did Last Summer, Last Fall, Last Winter and Last
Spring" chip from Intel. (Joyc333)

"What Are You Lookin' At? Never Seen A Guy Buy Feminine Hygiene Products For
His Wife Before?" product line. (Hope1Cor15)

"I Can't Believe It's Not Illegal!" diet drug. (MMaddox461)

"You've Got Fat!" chocolate bars. (Jared 456)

"I Can't Believe She's Only Made of Plastic! (MustangXB)

"A Few of These and She'll Look Alright," new from Miller Brewing Company
(Jonesrich)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

February 19, 1999

What was so controversial about a series of underwear ads that Calvin Klein
was forced to cancel this week?

Such blatant attempts at pornography have no place in this country outside of
the Internet and the Fox television network. (KllKenny73)

I don't see anything controversial about nude, gun-toting, heroin-addicted
toddlers skinning kangaroos. That sells underwear, man! (A50ftjesus)
The thing that really got to me was that slogan: "The most edible boxer since
Evander Holyfield." (AustinTRC)

I don't know, but it's probably why Sears was forced to discontinue their
catalogs. I sure miss those Sears catalogs. (Tlh1310)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

February 22, 1999

The IRS estimates that taxpayers who itemize deductions will spend an average
of 22 hours doing their taxes. What takes all that time?

Driving around near the hardware store and the office supply place to pick
receipts up off the ground. (Mamaliegl)

Getting the right shade of "Cash Register Receipt Purple" on your Painter
V5.0 program. And then, of course, there's the printing time. (Shelli1000)
Twenty-two hours??? Oh god, what form did I miss?! (Debbs78)

Reader's Digest has announced plans to put its name on some new products to
increase profits. What "Reader's Digest" products is the company considering?
"Reader's Digest's Sappy Story Pancake Syrup" (Jlawhugs)

"Reader's Digestible," food with special little articles on it. "Look! This
cheese slice says that nearly 80% of all Americans who drink can't take the
alcohol content!" (Scardonik)

I'm thinking jockeys. You don't get more condensed than jockeys. (JMPS96)
Giant eyeglasses to match the huge-print editions. (Sphinx4099)
Who cares, just as long as they abridge the warning labels on them. (Maas6)

The Reader's Digest "Points to Ponder" push-up bra. (Dblknotspy)
The sort of things that readers digest. Good books, Bon Bons, and Scotch,
lots of Scotch. (ROBDESIGNS)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 9, 1999

What is "March Madness?"

Listening obsessively to Sousa's music over and over again. (ASNEW)
It's the third stage in the fatal Calendar Disease. The first stage is
January Jaundice, followed by February Flatulence. Then there's March
Madness, April Anxiety, May Myopia, June Jumpiness, July Jitters, August
Angst, September Scoliosis, October Osteoporosis, November Pneumonia, and
finally December Death. (Jorge Dude)

The cause of "April Recliner Funk." (Expressml)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 10, 1999

What happened to Monica Lewinsky during her first book signing at Harrod's in
London?

'enry 'iggins bet Colonel Pickering he could transform her from a Valley Girl
opportunist to a common flower girl. (BDillon45)

The adoring, star-struck crowd worked itself into an ecstatic frenzy ...
until it realized that this wasn't the Monica from "Friends." (Jmikell98)
Grudgingly stopped herself from signing the copies, "Luv, Mrs. Monica
Clinton" with little hearts dotting the "i"s. (Expressml)

She said something that sounded intelligent, but only because she used a
British accent. (Summerov)

How will we ever know? Linda Tripp was in the US the whole time. (LVanLarson)
(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 11, 1999

Jones International University this week became the first U.S. university
operating entirely online to earn accreditation. What courses does it offer?
"You've Got Calculus!" (RayDunakin)

"One-Handed Typing 101" (Lots O' Entries)

"College Accreditation for Dummies" (Momofyr)

"How to hide the fact on your resume that you attended an online university"
(NeverWrit3)

How to print your diploma (Diploma 101)
How to print your diploma with a border (Diploma 102)
How to print your diploma with official-looking signature (Diploma 103)
(Martonv)

"XX101 - Porn Site Criticism" (Chuck6277)

"Introduction to Cut, Paste, and Circumventing Copyrights" (Scarcasm)
Awww, who cares about the courses? It's the frat parties we care about! Where
are the on-line frats? (Khukhu1)

"Rhetoric and Composition for Hate Groups" (Merkutio)

"Trapem 101" - A course in writing witty subject lines that will cause folks
to open e-mail they normally wouldn't and perhaps buy your product. (Alyby)
Does this mean their football team only plays away games? (JGarri1040)
(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 18, 1999

A government panel studying marijuana announced support for a scientific
inquiry into the potential benefits of the drug. What are some of those
benefits?

The ability to...uh, to ... to ... whoa dude, I can catch my hand, man!
(JAGATHA)

As the panel members have already discovered, marijuana makes scientific
research, like, so much more interesting, man. (SverkerCF)

Not only do you strengthen your abdominal muscles from all the giggling, you
finally get your money's worth at those "all you can eat" buffets.
(Jenibean22)

Same ones they found in the sixties, but didn't want people to know. (Pittml)
The propping-up of the failing munchies industry. (Corpuscle2)

With no change in content, Saturday Night Live will become wildly popular
again. (BDillon45)

How does former Senator Bill Bradley hope to defeat Al Gore and win the
Democratic presidential nomination?

*YAWN* I don't know. To tell you the truth, I'd rather watch two goats fight
over a turnip. (Carebuggie)

They will fight in the ancient way: Hands wrapped in hemp, dipped in resin,
and rolled in broken glass. (MAKeenan)

If we're lucky, he'll defeat him in a fantastic televised death match,
involving chainsaws, monster trucks, and automatic weapons. But more likely,
they'll just have the usual interminable bore-off. (RayDunakin)
I thought we were supposed to laugh at the answers, not the questions.
(Audiodude9)

Not sure, but one might ask, how well does he know Tanya Harding's ex, Steve
Gillooly? (Danmusholt)

Dress up like a sock-puppet and do "The Safety Dance." I don't know about
you, but if I saw a giant sock dancing on a podium I would vote for it.
(Casbah4509)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 26, 1999

Why have NATO forces attacked targets in Yugoslavia?

So we can stop them from sending all their Euro-trash basketball players to
the NBA. Those are American basketball jobs, damn it! Signed, Pat Buchanan
(SolmnKane)

Well, first there was the . Then it . Man, it was so
cool! You should've seen the way it . It was so
awesome! -- Department of Defense, official report (Blue1681)

... I just feel compelled to point out I did a report in college
about neckties, and Serbs invented the necktie in the 6th century. I don't
know about you, but I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable bombing the father
of neckties. (Esegoin)

It could only bomb sites that were B-2K compliant. (VIPERsssss)
Earl Scheib said he could paint it for $19.95. (LVanLarson)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 30, 1999

What can explain the dramatic re-emergence and popularity of professional
wrestling?

I'd say its because everybody in America got simultaneously kicked in the
head by a horse, but that's not possible. Is it? No really, is it?
(Franknsane)

Even though I'm not a wrestling fan, I must admit, at night it's either NATO
bombing on channel 2, NATO bombing on channel 3, NATO bombing on channels 4
through 49 or wrestling on channel 50. (GriffinMil)

It's definitely NOT part of a grand scheme by aliens to take over the world
by posing as wrestlers, trying to become respectable, and then get elected to
key political positions, starting with the chief executive of an upper
Midwestern state. Nope, definitely NOT that. Signed, J. Ventura (Nine pt 5)
Darwin was wrong. (ROBDESIGNS)

(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

March 31, 1999

Scientists in California have developed a computer that may be able to watch
a person's face and determine if they're lying. How does it work?
I don't know how it will work, but I smell impending doom for the AOL chat
rooms. (Nak21)

I don't know for sure, but is has something to do with the 240-volt line that
attaches to your genitals. (Kartoon, EHorvath35)

So far, it's only been tested on 2 year olds who wet their pants when
confronted about lying. Further tests will commence. (HedlessCow)
I don't know, but I bet Earl Scheib could paint it for $19.95. (LVanLarson)
(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

--------

April 1, 1999

What changes is Swanson making to its new generation of TV dinners?
In keeping with the spirit of cable, the chicken pieces are now arranged in
suggestive positions. (Klr60)

New tray technology that allows the peas and carrots to at least defrost
before the cherry dessert boils itself dry. (JenWyssman)

"Hungry Man" dinners now with 25% more "Man." (MMAPR)

"Swanson: The Next Generation" - To boldly eat what no man has eaten before.
(BeachClan)

All food "pre-chewed" for people on the go. (OldFord29)

Their healthy new line of "Less Sodium Than an Entire Shaker of Salt!"
dinners for the health conscious. (ARenascent)

The Swedish meatballs will be made from actual Swedes. (YrbkBret)
All food on the tray will be shaped to spell the word "GORE" to honor the
man who invented the TV dinner. (OldFord29)

Swanson Cable TV dinners will be the same prices as regular dinners, but now
you have to pay 30 bucks a month to access your oven. (Blissbunch)
Thanks to miniaturization, each dinner includes an actual TV! An actual TV!
Can you believe that? Right there, an actual TV, right there in your dinner.
Wow. You know, they're doing amazing things these days. They can miniaturize
a TV down to the size of a TV dinner. Simply unbelievable. (Many thanks to
the Jay Leno School of Comedy) (MAKeenan)

Made by DirectTV, the purchase price includes the entree but the side dishes
are $19.95 extra. (Dag0371)

The Federal Aviation Administration on Saturday ran a test to see if its
computers will work on January 1, 2000. What happened during the test?
Let's just say it wasn't bombs that were falling out of the sky over Kosovo
that night. (Bld Rnr 3)

Things got so bad they had to call in George Kennedy. (DavidAVia)
I don't know. I was eating pork and beans in my bunker. (Pencollopy)
"I've got 250,000 pizzas here addressed to a Mr... DOS?" (Slverwheel)
(c) Copyright 1999, WitCity Studios
All rights reserved

HAMPTON BEACH -- The first lesson prison escapee Brandon Bilodeau, 22,
learned was not to loiter two blocks from the restaurant you held up at
gun point.

The second lesson was, when giving police a phony name, not to wear
prison-issue socks with your real name stitched into them.

Such are the telling details behind the capture of Mr. Bilodeau, a
former resident of Hampton and, most recently, the Lakes Region
Correctional Facility in Laconia.

Mr. Bilodeau walked away from the prison Saturday night. Police say he
had been serving a 11/2 to 3-year sentence for robbing the Golden Bowl
Chinese restaurant at gun point in November 1997. He netted about $50.

Hampton Police Lt. William Lally said Mr. Bilodeau was scheduled to be
paroled in about three weeks. Here is what police say led to his
recapture:

At 1:45 p.m. Tuesday, Hampton Police Officer Corey MacDonald spotted
Mr. Bilodeau sitting on the steps of the Hampton Beach Casino with some
friends -- two blocks from the Golden Bowl restaurant. Mr. Bilodeau,
whose mother lives on M street a short distance away, was staying with
a friend.

As Officer MacDonald approached, Mr. Bilodeau began to walk away.
After being ordered to stop, Mr. Bilodeau was arrested and taken to the
police station. Police say he would not answer to the name Brandon,
insisting that his name was Steven Walker and he was vacationing from
Chelmsford. He was identified by his tattoos, including an ''A'' on his
left ankle.

Police also noticed the name Brandon Bilodeau stitched inside his
socks. The prison labels clothing so that it gets back to the proper
prisoners after it is laundered.

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem,"
says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the
pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over
to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over."
Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen
table.

John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake
- put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

Ishar Rai and Bisher Rai were admiring their newly installed telephone.
Ishar Rai said, " Isn't the cord from the socket a mite too long?"
Bisher Rai said " That is no problem."
Bisher Rai picked up the telephone and dialled a number.
"Hallo. Is that the operator?" he asked.
"Good chap," he continued," The line of our telephone is a little too long.
Do you mind pulling it in from your end."

1998
Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for
those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in
spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).

The 1998 nominees are:
----------
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a
shotgun
like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
---------
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo,
Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
describe
as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however,
and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
----------
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally
shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound
of
a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged
when he drew it to his ear.
-------
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety
of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the
strength
of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.
-------
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no
ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
his
own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large
amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily
of
beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right
combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep
from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had
he
been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal.
But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According
to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating
"this
deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
--------
NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made N
of
the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South
Carolina's
electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in
his
cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
--------
NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have
triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators
said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home
about
11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber
muzzleloader
that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look
into
the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
-----
NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird
feeder on
the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped
and
fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a
wheeled
chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the
Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he
went over the balcony," Honer said.
---------
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.9!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men
were
seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a
tree
near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff
County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis,38, of Little Rock
are
listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging
trip.
malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck
had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed
that
the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box
next
to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights
again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound
toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty
miles
and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated,
discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved
sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole
suffered only
minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to
repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was
treated
and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot
his
_____ off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this
is a
first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident
happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia,
Poole's
wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them
from
the truck.

As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote to
your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from her.
--------------------------------
Dear Ms. Cameron,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old
high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks
dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even
remember your father, which I will get to in a moment.

In answer to your first question In every picture extant of your father he
is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then.
Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from
December until March - hardly the entire school year. Thus his
descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the
morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus
logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your
father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra
ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.

I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you
state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is
wearing exactly the same thing bell bottom blue jeans with white strings
trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no
belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand
gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed
to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.
As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times
the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's
elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship", "Ecology", and one
which apparently was called "Relevance". We have no record of what, if
anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that
your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it
his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course
again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.

Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of
Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that
your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out
that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your
father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses
for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was
infected with the China Syndrome.

Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps
he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers,"
which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made
loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was
assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past
member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary.

the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we
will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately
three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to
pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers.

The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it
hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to
whether his name is upon it.

Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure
to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.
(Thanks to Dick Wells)

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was
unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant
Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass
of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded
the Grand Emir.

i received this from a co-worker. i can't vouch for the authenticity of the
alleged news report [presumable in the Cleveland Plain Dealer] but they're
funny anyway. :)

be seeing you,

bob

- - - - -

Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported
saying one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.
Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The
billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or
sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...enjoy.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it's hot here?
-God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
(And my personal favorite...)

The following excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for
volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an
anaconda attacks you.

Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake
species in
the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400
pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster
than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides,
your
legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from
the
feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your
feet
and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must
lie
perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide
it
into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and
your
leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

*yea rite*

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
PRAISE THE ROOF AND DAMN THE RANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants
Sun, SCO(UNIX) ,and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them
Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms 98 respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't
fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard". They
boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure.
Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the
time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it,
his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using
CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms 98. To his surprise it was so
good.....and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found
that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft.
He got the following reply from Microsoft:

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed
$0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another
and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card
company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel
his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called
them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him
they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on
his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.

However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He
called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error
once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only
the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it,
trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the
problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their
own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly
processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he
now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank
replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software
to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their
customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer
to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them
$0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be
taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Ausssies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American
channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their
present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once
outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their
old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humour.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel
http://www.catweasel.org

Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 09:50:40 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins
Subject: Aspiring Thespians
Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The
first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill
your
soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark, a pistol shot."
stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out
and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole
with soap."

The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he
came
out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shishtel pit! Cow shit!! Bull shit!! I
didn't want to be in this damned play anyway!"
(Thanks to TZ)

WARNING: The following contains psuedo-Native-American speech.
If this would offend you , don't go on. jhm

Unkindest Cut Anonymous (1890)

After nearly three decades of out-maneuvering the best
that the U.S. Army could send into the field, Sitting Bull was caught and
held at the Red Cloud agency, where he was interviesed by the Quaker
Indian Commissioners. They wanted to know if the old Sioux warrior
had any special grievance to report to them?

Sitting Bull noded grimly. "A white man has lied about me," he said.
"He lied and put in newspaper for all to read."

"Who was it?" asked the Commissioners.

"Indian don't know name. But Indian been told what man write in
newspaper. Indian sensitive man. He no like being lied about," and here
he gave vent to an accomplished burst of bi-lingual profanity.

Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 15:52:47 EST
From: Bill Edwards
Subject: Inert comments and questions about contemporary life
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep
abducting the dumbest people on Earth?

Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks
to you, you're crazy?

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees
with me.

Forget the schools, invite me back to the churches. Sincerely, G-d
My neighbor has a treadmill - and a riding lawn mower.

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

Isn't it redundant to say a offer is void where prohibited?

I did not get my degree in the custodial arts just to be called a
janitor.

My son asked if I smoked while I was pregnant with him, and i said
only when I was drinking.

I just read about the Mississippi governor divorcing his wife of 44
years, and going to work for the Dan Quayle campaign. Now that's
political suicide with two bullets.

You know you're getting old when all your favorite music is in the
bargain bin at Kmart and Wal-Mart.

You're listening to country music because your love life is bad,
you're drinking a lot and your dog was recently killed.

Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 06:58:26 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins
Subject: The 10 Most Important People In A Woman's Life
1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"

2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in,
you'll love it."

6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll
lose interest"

7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"

8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots.
(Thanks to John Davis)

>> #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove
>> a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
>> pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
>> one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch
>> from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
>> hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
>> seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the
>> brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards
>> their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.
>> Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of
>> suffocation en route to the hospital.

>> #3 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel
>> Kolta,
>> 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
>> a
>> tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
>> snowmobiles.
>>
>> #6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
>> robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact
>> that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally
>> stupid choices as listed below:
>>
>> 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
>> 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
>> portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
>> in public places.
>> 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
>> parked at the front door.
>> 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
>> coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be
>> robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a
>> clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
>> other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
>>
>>
>> AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...THOMPSON, MANATOBA, CANADA.
>>
>> Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed
>> early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He
>> was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications
>> feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
>> according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke.
>> She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
>> shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order
>> to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told workers that it was
>> the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
>> station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
>> Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way
>> that they heat food in microwave ovens.
>>
>> For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer
>> and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the
>> strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost
>> in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase
>> in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by
>> the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook
>> for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise.
>> Burns also reported to NMSR Company officials that Baker's unfinished
>> beers had exploded.

"Guess your ears are fine, too. Now, can I have a beer, please."
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site across the road. We'll
be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."
Indeed, each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and
has his lunchtime lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus
owner
comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a
talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. The barman says, "You know,
the

circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very
interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?",
asked the duck.

"Yeah!", replied the barman.

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow.

The circus owner's dead keen to hire you."

The duck looked very puzzled and asked, "Okay, but, what the hell would he
want