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A Letter from the Cat

Let me introduce myself, since I’ve never really gotten any air time around here. I’m Natalie, also known as the Queen, the Stuff, Her Imperial Royal Highness…basically, anything that sounds important and awesome is how you have permission to describe me. Just remember to address me correctly and we will get along fine. Actually, no, we won’t if you bother me too much. I don’t have time to fuss with or be bored with the commoners. On to my story.

So here I am, just minding my own business. It’s a rough life outdoors, contending with the weather [weren’t all animals MADE to live indoors 24/7 anyways??] and chewing out the other felines. I’m always having to put them in their place….UNDER me. Anyway, since my parents don’t daily brush my teeth like Martha Stewart does, and since I rather enjoy a diet of freshly killed meat [rabbits, mice, birds – this clickin’ yet?] then I’ve recently had to deal with the horror of major swellage on my face. That’s right. Somehow, my face began to resemble a bubble and caused me great distress, even more than the time I was accidentally locked in the crawlspace of the house for over a day. Actually, I didn’t mind that too bad. Caught a few things to munch while in there. Caught up on my emails and returned some phone calls. But I did not appreciate being forgotten about, as I’m sure that’s what my family did.

I was in pain. Direnesses. So the people FINALLY came to help me and took me to the Vet, one of my least favorite places. I STILL REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!! Ugh. However, this was a new place, with new doctors and they were considerably less annoying than the previous place I was being attended to. When I got checked in and sent back to my room [the taxi was NOT comfortable enough!], I overheard those folks saying the most awful lies and deceit. The man actually told my mother that I was geriatric! She tried to cover my ears, but alas, the crudeness couldn’t escape her fingers. I couldn’t believe the insult they added to my injury.

I am getting bored. To cut this story shorter, I will just say that they told Mom I had an abscessed tooth. Something about it being more common in canines than felines, but that it is not unusual to see in [older] animals. They put me through surgery, pulled my tooth and installed a rubber drain in my face to release the evil. I was in the stupid hospital for 5 whole days. I hated coming out of surgery. Everything was blurry and spinny, and I had to sleep the dern thing off.

Let me just say a thing or two about this – supposedly-good-thing-rubber-drain-crap. Do you see this mess?!? It was HUGE. It was flat and half as wide as my whole face. I don’t know who had the genius idea of inserting a banana peel under my EYEBALL, of all places, but it was totally unnecessary, in my professional opinion!

It hurt. It felt weird. I hated it on my delicate whiskers. I hated the sorry soul who put it in. Look away from me. I can’t bear it!

And then…then there was THIS. See all those tears I cried on muh Paw’s knee? Oh wait. No, that’s the hydrogen peroxide-cleaner mess. Anyway, I was crying on the inside! Every day, twice a day, for…EVER…they would come in and clean the banana peel all over. That was bad, but not bad enough, apparently. Then he would hold it by the knot, and slide it all the way up, and all the way back down. Words can never describe to you this feeling. Love is not in that. And where my incisions were starting to scab over? Yeah, he would pretty much clean and scrape that away each time. Is that a cruel, sick joke or what? How was I supposed to get better – or get any RELIEF – with all of that going on?

Then one day, my day came. I didn’t know what he was doing at first with those scissors. He might as well had jabbed my eyeball out with them. It would have made as much sense as the rest of this torture. Instead, he did something remarkable, especially for a human. He clipped the banana peel…and gently [but not gently enough] pulled the whole thing back OUT of my face! I shook and fluffed with relief! Relief – finally!!

So…here I am…banana peel removed…feeling better, but not better enough…glad to have total peripheral vision so rightfully returned to me…Am I looking rough here? See where that awful thing was in my face? Well, it will get better. It had BETTER get better or you can be certain that I will get revenge. Or at least an extra meal and nap during the day. Don’t try me.

I hate you for doing this to me.

I’ve spent too much time on this thing for now. Maybe you will get to hear from me again in the future, if I’m bored again or something. After all, I do deserve some of the limelight. A beautiful face is too precious a thing to waste.