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Logline Critique 12

When Janna, a 15-year-old psychic, frees her twin sister from the otherworld, and accidentally opens a portal, not only she invites otherkins who feed on human energy to the larder, but she also discovers she’s a freaking energy vampire. If she doesn’t bunk with her kind, save the humans, and shut the door, she’ll invite the world of jinns to stay and she can kiss goodbye to what’s left of her humanity.

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4 thoughts on “Logline Critique 12”

In the second line, I would change ‘not only she’ to ‘she not only’ to sound less awkward. Also, the phrase ‘otherkins who feed on human energy to the larder’ is a bit confusing to someone who knows nothing about the story. I understand the characterizations are germane to this paranormal story, but I think if you’re introducing your story to someone who knows nothing about it you need to be more explicit as to what you are talking about. Just my opinion… I think this sounds like an awesome story. I am intrigued by your logline. I think you just need to have a little more clarity.

This logline is pretty good. You’ve got stakes and voice. I think you could trim just a bit for clarity: When fifteen (spell out the word)-year-old psychic, Janna, frees her twin sister from the otherworld, she accidentally opens a portal, letting in otherkins who feed on human energy, and she discovers she’s a freaking energy vampire. If she doesn’t bunk with her kind (I’m not exactly sure what this means), save the humans, and shut the door, she’ll invite the world of jinns to stay and she can kiss goodbye to what’s left of her humanity.
Otherwise I think this is really good. Good luck with it!