The Onion: Fuck Everything: Nation Reports 'Just Fuck It All To Hell'

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports
Just Fuck It All To Hell

December 14, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.

All of it, sources added.

“I’m sorry, but fuck it, I can’t handle this—I just can’t handle it anymore,” said Deborah McEllis, who added that “no, no, no, no, no, this isn’t happening, this can’t be real.” “Seriously, what the hell is this? What’s even going on anymore? Why do things like this keep happening?”

Continued McEllis, before covering her face with her hands, “Why?”

Despairing sources confirmed that the gunman, armed with a semiautomatic assault rifle—a fucking combat rifle, Jesus—walked into a classroom full of goddamned children where his mother was a teacher and, good God, if this is what the world is becoming, then how about we just pack it in and fucking give up, because this is no way to live.

I mean, honestly, all 315 million Americans confirmed.

“Well, I suppose we have to try to pick up the pieces and make some sort of sense of this tragedy and—you know what? Fuck it, I can’t do this,” said Connecticut resident Michael Zaleski, his remarks understandable given the circumstances, because, holy shit, what else can one say? “I’m sorry, but I can’t fucking do this. Can you? Can anyone?”

1. based on all the recommends, I'm going to Kick this

2. I think everyone I know is feeling the same way.

The entire country should be having the same reaction. I hope all sane people will, finally, be just as loud in their opposition when the gun defenders crawl from beneath their rocks to shout and scream in defense of their rights.

3. This Onion article isn't funny, but it is accurate.

6. That's what's so bittersweet about it.

This is exactly the way I've been feeling today, despite efforts to change it. This has just broken me inside and I honestly just do not think I can take it anymore. For the first time ever, I've defriended people on FB, including family, because the first thing they did was to start posting shit from Gun Owners Rights pages and the usual NRA twaddle because their metal phallic symbols was all they cared about. And that's apparently the way too many Americans feel, in fact too many are doubling down, wanting even MORE guns EVERYWHERE. So fuck that. And fuck it all.