Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 15:39:22 EST
From: "Edwards, Victoria"
Subject: Coming Out to Others
Reply-To: ae606@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Victoria Edwards)
http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/freenet/rootdir/menus/sigs/life/gay/counsel
/outother
Coming Out to Others
by J.Abramchyk
- Once acceptance of self has begun, it is inevitable that a
lesbian will seek acceptance from others as well.
- Being a lesbian means that a woman will be experiencing a
massive drain of personal resources on a daily basis.
- A lot of gay people's energy goes into deciding where, when,
how and whom to tell about being gay and in worrying about the
possible consequences of being 'out' to significant others.
- Coming out of the closet, that is, identifying or labelling
oneself as gay, is one of the most difficult and potentially
traumatic experiences a gay person undertakes.
- Coming out entails receiving responses: positive responses can
help promote self-acceptance, negative responses provide more
stress and can reinforce shame and self-hatred.
- Coming out is not done once and for all time. It is a lifelong
process that includes consideration of to whom, when, where and
under what circumstances disclosure is safe to make.
- Not coming out is as significant for lesbians as coming out
is. The opposite of self-disclosure, keeping this information
entirely to oneself, is an affirmation of internalized homophobia,
implying that this aspect of oneself is too shameful to disclose to
anyone.
- Invisibility means always having to be quiet about what is
central in our lives, and living with the constant risk of
unexpected exposure. We may live in constant fear of our world
collapsing at any moment if we are "found out".
- We may internalize the stigma when we do not come out and thus
blame ourselves. Because the systemic oppression is so powerful, it
does not occur to us that we may be healthy and society may be
sick.
- Coming out may result in loss of friends, job, in ridicule or
in violence. However, it is an important and vital assertion of
self-pride.
- Hiding disempowers whereas coming out empowers. Counsellors
can share this knowledge with their clients and help to nurture
lesbian pride. At the same time, it is important to be straight-
forward about the difficulties involved in being out.
- It might be very helpful to share with clients that coming out
selectively and taking their time may be good ways of caring for
themselves while they are going through the processes.
- Ideas for coming out to significant others, like parents:
(1) wait until you feel comfortable about your own sexuality,
present the information in as kind a way as possible, supply some
helpful reading material about homosexuality and hope for the best.
(2) Remember that you have had time to prepare and choose the
occasion, place and method of telling. Between one minute and the
next, their world changes.
(3) Prepare yourself through imagination, including what you are
going to say, what you'd like to accomplish, how they might respond
and how you would feel if they reacted that way.
(4) Be prepared to help them understand their feelings because at
first you may be the only person available to do this. Learn a
little about loss and grief, as they will necessarily go through a
grieving process over the child they thought they knew.
(5) Consider and be aware of your tone of voice, facial expressions
and actions.
- Grief and loss or anticipated loss are inevitable parts of
coming out for all lesbians.
- Lesbians are raised to value a heterosexual lifestyle and it
is natural to grieve the loss of that value when we realize we may
no longer be part of that lifestyle.
- By choosing to identify as a lesbian, a woman is not entitled
to marry lesbian partners, divorce, carry joint health insurance
with partners, or publish pictures in the newspaper to signify the
couples' intentions to legalize our relationships. Public display
of affection could risk public censure and/or possible job loss.
Finally, coming out to families and friends risks being rejected or
even disowned.
- One of the ways to deal with the loss of the inherent
privileges is to recognize, acknowledge, and grieve that loss.
- Help the client accept the reality of the loss of heterosexual
identity and its privileges. Ask her to describe the dreams and
expectations she had for a heterosexual life. Don't rush her
through these feelings.
- Encourage her to feel the pain of the loss and to grieve. Ask
how it feels to give up the dreams she's had all her life that
relate to being heterosexual. Resolution of these painful feelings
may help her move to an experience of her lesbianism as positive.
- Help her to adjust to lesbian life, celebrating the importance
of lesbian identity and letting go of heterosexual identity. A
coming out party or attending her first women's dance may be
helpful.