Book Examines Pain Of Divorce And How To Recover

October 9, 1991|By Fort Worth Star-telegram

''THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO DIVORCES — When it comes to trauma, psychologists are fond of ranking divorce right up there with the death of a loved one. But there are a few major differences, Christine Archambault says.

''After your divorce, no one brings a casserole,'' says Archambault, Divorce Anonymous co-founder and co-author of the book Divorce Recovery: Healing the Hurt through Self-Help and Professional Support.

''When we lose a spouse to death, people rally round, fly in, come to the wake, bring food and drink,'' she says. ''Even if they don't know what to say, they say, 'I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Call me if I can ever do anything.'

''But when you get divorced, everybody takes a couple steps backward. Or they'll say things like, 'I knew at the wedding it wouldn't last.' They'll tell you every move your ex makes. Or they'll say, 'I don't know why you stayed on through all those affairs.' And you're thinking, 'What affairs?' ''

While time is touted as the healer of all wounds, knowing where to get support - and how to help oneself - can lend time a helping hand, Archambault said. Accordingly, the book she and psychiatrist Allan J. Adler wrote offers advice not just for the emotional trauma, but for the legal and financial aspects.

Both authors have been through divorces themselves, so they know firsthand the grief, anger, bitterness and depression that divorce brings. They decided such a book could provide a needed service in the divorce-prone United States. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and when divorced people who have children remarry, there's only a 40 percent chance that the marriage will survive.

But they took care to be certain the book was relatively short - a slim, 150-page paperback.

''It would have to be that way, because people going through a divorce have a very short attention span,'' Archambault says wryly. ''They're going through a lot of pain.''

A number of hospitals and community colleges are using the book as the basis for courses and programs. Offered through Psychiatric Institutes of America and produced by Bantam Doubleday Dell, the book may be obtained by writing PIA, 33 Union Place, Summit, N.J. 07901; (800) 526-4494. Cost is $8.95. It is not available in bookstores.

''A marriage ends in one of two basic ways,'' Archambault says. ''There's either what I call the 'luxury of the deteriorating relationship' - where both people have had the chance to think, 'Gosh, we may not make it,' and it dies a natural death; or one or the other decides it's time to pull the plug.

''It's much different if someone comes home and says, 'I'm not happy, and by the way, there's someone else.' That creates an immediate crisis for the non-initiator - but the initiator has been doing some advance emotional work.''

She and co-author Adler advise the non-initiator to ''buy a little time. This is no time to go running to an attorney in a confused, almost deranged state of mind and say 'I'll show them.' You've got some critical decisions to make.

''Say, 'If this is not negotiable, I need some time.' It may be the other person is waving a flag - they may want to shock you into going for counseling.''

Even if the marriage is not salvageable, Archambault recommends therapy for dealing with feelings as a couple dismantles the marriage.

the financial and legal one, and the emotional,'' she says.

On the financial/legal end of it, one suggestion the authors make is to try mediation.

''If you're trying to do this civilly and equitably, you might try a mediator, and then take a draft to the attorney of your choice to review,'' Archambault says. ''Then, if you need to, go back to the table and work out the details.

''It'll be cheaper and not adversarial, and I think, psychologically, it's more satisfying.''