The Dream Wetsuit

Wetsuits have come a long way-but like sliced bread, sex, and violent movies, they can always get better. The crack team of scientists here at TransWorld SURF has developed the solution to your coldness-the ultimate, stretchiest, most decadent wetsuit available. Bottom line, we’ve created the raddest wetsuit ever! It’s called The Machine. Check it out-it will be available on transworldsurf.com very soon.-C.C.

1. Head

Yeah, helmets have been viewed as pretty wack for surfing, but not for long. Check out this little number. Made of a lightweight polymer, this helmet sucks to your face and molds to the deformed shape of your skull. It features an oxygen mask that sifts through all the pollution and only lets in the cool stuff that might make you hallucinate. Plus, you can breathe underwater. The goggles make big waves look really small, so you won’t get all freaked out. As for the ears, if you haven’t seen Batman Begins, you won’t understand-if you have seen the movie, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

2. Shoulders

Who likes paddling? I don’t, and you probably don’t either, unless you’re a Malloy. The Machine features small motors located in the armpits (don’t worry about rashes, every major rash-producing area is lined with baby harp seal fur-the softest on the market. We club them ourselves). The motors drive two cranks located on the outside of the shoulders. These cranks turn your arms at high speeds, making you paddle faster than ever before. There’re a few razor-sharp spikes protruding from the shoulders as well-these are just for intimidating other surfers.

3. Chest

Emergency rip cord. This rip cord is for emergencies only! When you get into a hairy situation like being caught inside at Jaws or looking at Kala’s knuckles approaching your face, pull the rip cord. Your suit will puff up and a loud siren located to the right of the cord will emit a high-pitched squeal that sounds like a mix between a pig getting slaughtered and Mariah Carey reaching orgasm.

4. Stomach And Ribs

The rib cage here is reinforced with Kevlar braces and the stomach has a hidden girdle, because we know that most of us could use a little help with the old breadbasket, especially if there’re chicks around. Sucking in your tummy all day can lead to hemorrhoids.

5. Wrists And Hands

Wrist guards are a must for extreme ripping, so there you go. Webbed gloves are also built in to the suit for help with paddling and also just for looking cool. Remember how fast Brad Gerlach used to paddle with his TFL gloves? He looked cool, too, so we’ve included webbed gloves as a factory-standard feature.

6. Utility Belt

Again, we’ve taken the best part of Batman and put it on The Machine Suit. This belt has two holsters on each side, one of which holds a stun gun for when someone drops in on you. The other holds a grappling hook with a winch for towing in behind helicopters and all that. The belt buckle is just your standard “don’t mess with Texas” cowboy-style Silverado buckle-fashion sells, bitches.

7. Legs And Knees

This feature has been in the works for years. In 2002, we attached sensors to Occy’s legs, and after all the data was gathered, we created a system of hydraulic pumps and pistons that give you the power of Mark Occhilupo himself. It doesn’t matter if you’re regular-foot or goofy-foot-you’ll be laying down sick elephant hacks with hardly any effort! Oh, the kneepads are made of endangered California condor gullet-skin.

8. Feet

The feet of the wetsuit are cushioned with air pockets from vintage Nike Air Jordans-they’re expensive, but boy do they work well. The toes are webbed, so you can swim fast like Aquaman and kick water at your friends in between sets. On the bottom of the feet are hundreds of tiny suction cups. You’ll be doing flips and shit, and since no one can see the suction cups, they’ll just think you’re super advanced.. On the heel of each leg is a hook that can be used to hook into the board or to hang upside down when stretching before a session.

9. Shark Repellent

The shark-repellent box located on the left ankle is a marvel of modern science. This small box omits a constant low-frequency ambient noise that only sharks can here. Through research, we’ve found that sharks hate the rapper Ludacris, so we’ve recorded his worst songs (basically his whole catalog) and put them on a loop, which plays through a specially designed speaker that only sharks can hear. That way, the sharks hear the shit songs of Ludacris, and you don’t have to.

10. Undercarriage

This is the most top-secret part of The Machine Suit. Located snuggly inside the undercarriage of the suit, between the buttocks and testicle area is a small gyroscope. This small device will give you the best balance science has ever offered. Seen the bulge in Kelly Slater’s wetsuit? We have, and we know what it is. Now you can have that same bulge and feel what it’s like to have the world’s best surfer’s balance and visual bulge to match.