This Straight Man's Sex Guide Probes Too Close to Home

By: Brandon Voss

10.18.2012

In a tongue-in-cheeks new piece called “A Straight Man’s Guide to Receiving Anal Sex,”Vice's Dave Schilling opens up about the pleasures, pressures, and perils of “butt stuff” in the boudoir — specifically when his girlfriend wants to give instead of receive.

Calling anal sex "the first stop on the Save My Relationship World Tour," Schilling breaks down the scarily increasing stages of "butt stuff" — much like the stages of grief — including "Fingering, "Ass Licking," "Random Object Insertion," and "Pegging," which is apparenly the industry term for being penetrated by a strap-on dildo. Of course, things really get interesting when he gets to "Watching Another Guy Fuck Me in the Ass," the final and perhaps most invasive "butt stuff" stage:

If you have gotten to this stage with your girlfriend, it means you are too far gone to ever be happy again. You are only a step away from fucking a corpse at the scene of a car accident. Adding another person to a sexual fantasy is an admission that boredom has set in. Adding another person of the same sex means the new participant in the equation must look as different from your significant other as possible. Adding voyeurism on top of all that means you’d absolutely rather be watching porn than joining genitals with your partner.

For the record, I said no to this request from my girlfriend. A few weeks later, she dumped me, claiming that she felt a “distance between us.” I’m sure the distance would have been much less had I agreed to allow her to watch me get fucked by someone else.

Let this be a lesson to you. Relationships are about doing things you don’t want to do. Sometimes that means taking out the trash. It could also mean barebacking with a 43-year-old man named Clarence.

We always play safe, but Clarence sounds like a perfectly lovely guy to us. Sure, gay men don't see it as a last resort, but does anal action and its potential accessories ever stress you out too?