Divorce: In defense of Ex-Husbands

Today I have a very wonderful and amazing new friend over at my place. I am SO glad I found her in this vast blogosphere! Her posts are always something beautifully written and incredibly thought-ful. I always love that in a writer. Please welcome Ilene from The Fierce Diva Guide to Life! And when you are done reading here, be sure to take the time to check out her site. She has a gift worthy of your time. Trust me.

In Defense of Ex-Husbands

If you had asked me “what happened” a year ago, the answer wouldn’t have been the same.

It would have been fueled with emotions, charged with anger, accusatory.

“He did…”

“He said…”

“He never…”

I rode out that “him against me” feeling for months, with many of you reminding me that I was right in the matter as a way of showing your support.

I admit it.I asked you to tell me I was right. I needed that kind of support at the time.It helped justify what I was doing.

But am I right, or do I just hold a different world view?

We’re all holding onto our world views, and we hold on tightly.Our world views mean everything to us.Those world views are how we make sense of things.

Those world views are our truths. We will do almost anything to protect our truths.

Yet, just because it’s our world view, it doesn’t mean it’s the right view. It doesn’t mean it’s the only view. It only means it’s the view that has been working for us.

What happens when we’re willing to look beyond the limited scope of our view being the only view?

If you were to ask me today what happened to my marriage, I would tell you that we had polarized views on many issues that held importance to me, and we couldn’t meet in the middle.

There’s no anger in that statement. There’s an implicit agreement to disagree.There’s an ability to appreciate and respect a man who was a part of my life for fifteen years and who will continue to be a part of my life as the father of my children, who will continue to be a part of my life as a friend.

There’s an ability to want what’s best for him.

When world views collide, it’s too easy to jump on the defensive, to be angry, to want to tear the other party down. It’s too easy to fight to the death to hold onto the notion of being “right.”

I see this all the time, not only with marriage, but with friendships gone awry, siblings who argue.I’ve seen it during heated debates at PTO meetings at my children’s school.

Instead of being attached to the need to be right, how about trying to respect the other person’s point of view?

Instead of judgment, how about asking questions?

Instead of anger, and looking for ways to separate ourselves from others, why not look at them with the understanding that underneath the surface, we’re all more alike than we are different.

You are not showing solidarity with me when you judge my ex-husband. Judging him – or anyone else for that matter – would be denying the divine that lives in him and by doing so, denying the divine that lives within all of us – because we are all connected by this divine source, despite our petty disagreements.

Last week, I sat next to my ex in the bowling alley where my son plays for an after school league. As this jovial 7 year-old boy threw strikes and spares down the lane, we, as parents, shared in his moment of childhood triumph.I was reminded of a time, several months ago, where I mourned the loss of my vision of the future.It was the reality that I would never sit at the head of a table with this man, as my husband, thirty years from now, sharing the joy in watching our grown children and their spouses and our grandchildren, and feeling that deep satisfaction for the family we had raised together.That moment in the bowling alley made me realize that I will still share that table with my ex, perhaps not seated next to each other, but seated across, each of us with our respective partners, people who love us in ways we were never able to love each other, while we marvel at our legacy.

That afternoon in the bowling alley reminded me that we have the power to rewrite our future any time we choose.

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Ilene Evans, the Creator of The Fierce Diva Guide to Life, is a writer, yoga teacher, soccer mom, foster parent to over a dozen rescue dogs, believer in possibilities, and a highly flawed individual.

As a huge fan of the kind, thoughtful, transparent, and inspiring Christine Carter, it is an honor to guest post at The Mom Café today!

Comments

I am so honored to be on your page today, Chris! And everything you say about me above, it goes right back at you. You, my dear, are a charm, and every word you write is so beautiful and thoughtful. Hugs! xo

Thank you Marcia. I have realized that it doesn’t have to be negative. My relationship with my ex is not over – it has morphed into something different. And even though our views are different, I will endeavor to respect those views. I want to be able to face all of my relationships this way!

It’s tough to sit back and see things from another person’s perspective. Yet when we do, things are so much clearer. I think we put too much emphasis on divorce being a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s just the right choice. My husband’s parents have been divorced since he was 9, yet they still get together for family functions and even work together. We really are more alike than different. Let’s embrace that!

It can be really challenging to look at things from someone else’s perspective! Especially with marriage – and divorce! I think it’s really easy to take a spouse or a close friend for that matter – for granted and to get highly offended when he/she doesn’t see things our way. But we need more peace in this world – even with the end of a marriage, there can be peace. I’m certain of that.

Thank you, Kim! And for me, it’s the great vision of kind of “having it all,” you know? My kids, my ex and our new respective partners at that same table. It’s the future that we would not have been able to give each other but can still be part of. It’s good stuff.

Interesting that sometimes we read something at the exact moment we need to. Today is one of those days. I needed this message today. Well said Ilene. Thrilled to see you here, as Chris is just the best!
It sounds as though, especially for your children, you have gotten to a place of peace and calm. Well done. :)-The Dose Girls

Chris is the best and I am honored! And thank you for your kind comment about my words. It has been a process and before the calm and the peace there was plenty of anger and resentment. I am grateful to be “here” now. It’s so much better for everyone!

OMG, I am totally crying over here. That line about the vision you once had…sob…it just hit me. I don’t have an ex-husband but you made me feel like if I did, that is how I’d feel. You are just the best mom there is, putting aside your need to be right in order to do right by your kids. If everyone in this world did that, it would be a nicer place to live. I am going to remember that the next time I am fighting to be right.

I was getting with this concept for years, and then I headed for a divorce and felt justified to judge and be self righteous and all that stuff – and then one day I just said “no.” The same standard needs to apply across the board! It’s such a nicer way to live, right?

“Instead of being attached to the need to be right, how about trying to respect the other person’s point of view?” << love this sentiment so much. I'm tearing up just reading and thinking about this and the vision of the future you once held. We do get so attached to that need to be right. That can be such a fierce feeling but one that can be hard to loosen our grip on. Loved this

Now, keep in mind that this was a full circle post for me – and that I left my husband feeling that I was “right” about everything!!!! But I’m not. We’re just different. And we want a lot of the same things. I once read that if we strive to find the good in someone versus the not good or what we judge, that alone will change the relationship. It shifts the energy, you know? I’m beginning to see that with my ex. And I imagine it can be applied to any relationship. xo

That is so true! Sometimes we have to agree to disagree. it’s not about always being right or forcing someone to see and agree with your point of view. It’s great that you and your ex husband can be loving parents to your children. They learn by what we do more than what we say… and you two are doing the right things. Great post!

I love your comment, Hope, and it’s so true! We can’t force anyone else to agree with our point of view. When I can look beyond my own POV I am so much happier. It’s great to be “understood” but I think as long as we believe that we are doing the right things for ourselves, that outside validation is less necessary.

Awesome post Ilene! So glad I stopped by today! This post is on point…one of the greatest reality checks I’ve ever gotten was when I realized that God loves the next person just as much as He loves me!! Thanks so much for your transparency…may you have an awesome week!

Yes! Michell exactly! (I love your name by the way! Do you pronounce it the same as Michelle?) It’s so true and in my case, God loves my ex the same as he loves me. When I remember the divine is in all of us, it’s a game changer. Who am I to do anything but love everyone around me, and love them exactly for where they’re versus where I want them to be?

Looking back, I can see why my ex husband was unhappy and I have, in my mind, while not condoning how he chose to act on that unhappiness, forgiven him. He, however, still seems so angry and so I cannot ever see us sitting together enjoying our children’s triumphs. He seems to be suffering from “the grass isn’t greener” or “I made my bed and am miserable lying in it” syndrome. It seems like he is blaming me for all of his discontent and until he can move past it, we will never be cordial. Fortunately, he lives 600 miles away, so it’s not usually an issue!

I think if I had been in a situation where my ex had been acting out on his unhappiness it would be a lot more difficult for me to be as zen as I am right now. I would like to think I would have eventually gotten there – but I think it would have taken longer. Oddly – or not – I know more situations where people toss blame around after behaving in unacceptable ways. I would have to believe that this is to avoid taking responsibility and to avoid guilt. But it’s unfortunate that they can not get past these feelings for themselves and everyone around them. You, on the other hand, have such a great outlook!

I truly enjoy Ilene and her blog! I am so glad to have found her through SITS! This post is absolutely amazing. I have a number of divorced friends and one in particular comes to mind when reading your post and how they’ve handled their lives post divorce. You’d never know, because its so important for them to maintain a good relationship for their children. This is a great way to approach all of our relationships. Thank you for sharing!

Michelle – thank you so much and I am so glad I found you too! I think when I apply the same principals to all of my relationships I have much more peace of mind. Live and let live is simple in theory – not always in practice, but well worth it in the end, at least for me!

Chris – You couldn’t have made a better choice than Ilene! I adore both of you! Ilene, thank you for such a sensitive, wise post with such an important message. I regularly fight to be right and my husband and I have to stop each other/ourselves often and remind each other what we want (sometimes we both really want to be right ;-), but more often we really want to be heard and appreciated). I needed these powerful words tonight. Thank you!

Mary, I think you nailed it. We all want to be heard – and I don’t mind if someone doesn’t agree with my point of view, but I love it when they understand my point of view. Because like you said, we all want to be heard. Thank you so much for your lovely words. xo

Ilene & Chris, thank you for writing and running this post. Earlier this year, I wrote a post about Suzanne Venker’s book “How to Choose a Husband” and why I thought she was onto something. To my surprise, the most passionate responses I received were from divorced men. They were heartbroken. They were livid. They felt left out, demonized, disrespected. They were hurt. As a woman, I naturally first empathize with the divorced woman; the responses of these men made me rethink that impulse. Divorce tears both spouses apart. Ilene, I applaud you for boldly concluding you “will still share a table” with your ex-husband and that you can “rewrite” a positive future. To me, that shows care and respect for yourself and for him.

That’s interesting that the men were so vocal in response to your post…but perhaps on second thought, I’m not surprised. In society in general, there is a lot of finger pointing and blame toward men for what they “do” to women. I am far enough away from my own situation that I can see my part in it – and I refuse to point fingers..at least anymore!

Would’t it be wonderful if we could all share tables with the people we’ve suffered through fractured relationships with? That would be world-changing!

I love this post mostly because it totally relates to what I am going through now! Almost a year ago, I divorced my now ex-hubby and I had so many emotions all balled up into one! I felt it was his fault, I didn’t like him, nor did I want to be bothered with him. I knew, however, that I had to put my issues aside to do what was best for our daughters. As soon as I realized that it wasn’t about my feelings and what was best for them, the situation has been a LOT better. We get along and are at the point of being great friends again. It’s never too late to rewrite the future! 🙂

Oh, Britton! I just love and appreciate your comment so much! You have *been there* girl, and you got to the other side – and I applaud you for being able to put differences aside for your children. It’s a process, divorce, right? I think we have to go through the anger and the hurt before we can get to the other side – but the letting go can be tough, yet you were obviously able to do that. *hugs*

Ilene, you are as gracious as you are kind and loving. If more people were less judgmental and more accepting of others’ world views, our world would be a better place. You certainly make your part of the world shine.

Ilene this is a great post! I can relate to it on a political perspective because lately I’ve been expressing some views on the way I feel and have been surprised at the mean responses. And I wonder why can’t people just have a conversation? Why can’t we discuss things and realize it’s ok not to agree. Like you said, respect each others opinions and not try so hard to out “right” each other! Lovely post. Lovely sentiment.

It is my hope that one day my ex and I will be able to share an experience like yours at the bowling alley. For now, the best I can do, the best I can hope for, is a neutrality… peace on the home front.

I’m touched by your final words about rewriting the future anytime we choose. For me this morning that has more to do with my own attitude about my own life than it does about how I feel about my spouse. It reminds me that I can rewrite the future in regard to how I feel about myself. I needed that… so thanks!

Yes! my friend! Yes! We can rewrite our futures for ourselves as well as our collective futures with others. I’m ambitious for Steve and me. I told him a few weeks ago I want us to all go to a Yankee game together this summer as a “family.” I do realize that may not be possible for every divorced family – but I hope it can be possible for mine.

THIS is what I want for my future. We do not get along together, but I sincerely hope that we can be friends apart.

I’ve already started thinking about holidays and birthdays (even though we haven’t actually severed ties completely…still being in the same house and all) but once we do I want the kids to know that they will be with both of us for all their important events.

I don’t want what I have with my family, separate everything. It used to be so hard on me with divorced parents that hated each other. I had to either choose one or the other for whatever holiday was being celebrated…or double up. No one was happy. It’s what scares me most about splitting up.

It took me a while to get where I’m at – It’s so emotional when you first go through a split and there’s sadness or anger or SOMETHING..but then, it starts to clear and it becomes easier to want to do what’s best for your children and to appreciate that this man will always be their father. Thinking of you often, my friend!

You’re a better woman than me. While I hope my ex is happy somewhere out there, I do not wish to share a table with him any more. I hope he finds a way to become genuinely happy, but there isn’t enough yoga in the world to make me wish to spend time with him again. Of course, if he was able to find his happiness it might change everything. Sometimes, all you can do is hope for someone.

When the other party isn’t happy, it’s a game changer. Because unhappy people are typically difficult to be around, since they are spreading their negativity. I will spend time with my ex for the sake of our kids, and while I don’t deceive myself into thinking we can be some big, happy, divorced family, I do want us to still function like a family, in some capacity.