Don Junior Hunts Reporter

January 12, 2019

I’m a sharpshooting stud who all over the world has killed many beasts including leopards, elephants, buffaloes, deer, bighorn sheep, foxes, and plenty more. I also know a helluva lot about security and expect you to pay attention when I write, “You know why you can enjoy a day at the zoo? Because walls work.” My dad and I understand walls are the only thing that will protect us from being eaten by wild humans.

Dad gives a great speech about border security and immigration the other night and I assume everyone agrees until someone shows me a column written by Ted Hesson in Politico. Who’s the hell’s he? He travels around writing about immigration. So what? You know damn well a lefty’s not tough enough to kill big game.

Instead of applauding Dad’s patriotic address, Hesson calls some of our facts fake. I decide not to simply shoot this guy on social media, I decide to slay him in person. Not with my guns. I’m a law-abiding guy who only shoots four-legged critters though I may take out a few apes my next trip to Africa. About this Hesson, I find out where he lives and, just like on a safari, I put on my camouflaged hunting outfit and pick a good place where I’ll be able to see him but he won’t spot me.

When he gets home, I sprint at him and wave the deceitful column in his face.

“You said it’s ‘not true’ there’s a crisis at the border. Are you an idiot?”

“Even fewer people are being arresting crossing the border now than under President Obama, and under him – the Deporter in Chief – there were a lot fewer than in a long time.”

I shake my head and say, “You claimed our southern border isn’t a ‘pipeline for drugs.’ Are you a pink-panties fool?”

“No, I’m immeasurably better informed than you and your father. Read the facts, which no one has refuted. ‘Most fentanyl comes from China.’ And most drugs that are stopped are intercepted at ‘legal ports of entry.’ Migrants and their families rarely try to bring in drugs.”

I shake my finger at him. “They’re drug dealers and many of them are killers.”

“That’s a distortion,” he says. “Studies reveal that ‘undocumented immigrants’ only commit about half as many crimes as citizens born in the United States.”

“That’s creazy. As Dad noted, even the Democrats want a barrier. They prefer steel. He’s okay with that.”

Hesson adjusts his dorky black glasses. “Democrats didn’t say they wanted steel. They ‘said they didn’t care.’ They really don’t want a wall, regardless of composition, and they don’t want the government shut down while this is being debated.”

“Dad’s shut lots of agencies down to turn up the heat. He’ll also make sure Mexico pays for the wall because of his new trade agreement.”

“What you’re referring to still hasn’t been approved by Congress and it’s doubtful to generate several billion extra dollars for our government.”

“All the Democrats have to do is give Dad about six billion bucks to build a wall, and he’ll let the federal government open up.”

“You’re not going to get that much because most people understand there’s no emergency and a wall wouldn’t help the problems that do exist,” Heeson says. “Now get the hell outta here or I’ll call the cops.”

I raise my right hand, motion to come here, and two secret service agents rush up. “This guy threatened me,” I say, pointing at Heeson, who tries to look surprised.