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Child-Free by Choice

Studies suggest that a child-free marriage might be more satisfying for some because the arrival of children often creates a crisis for the couple involved. Yet this long-term decision requires serious conversation before it is set in stone.

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Ten years ago, when Dave and Jacqui Alegria first tied the knot, their large Hispanic family eagerly anticipated a baby within the first year of their marriage. And the family waited. And worried. And waited.

“Our families are pretty much used to it by now,” says Louisiana resident Dave Alegria, now 32 years old. “Back in the day, every time we’d visit, they’d say ‘When will you have kids?’” But the newlywed Alegrias were determined to live child-free.

In actuality, their decision to be childless was not fully articulated at the beginning of their marriage. “We thought that ‘not right away, but soon’ we’d have kids,” he explains. “We kept putting it off and putting it off. We said, let’s have fun and have kids afterward — we’ve been enjoying ourselves.” He and Jacqui, also 32, continue to enjoy their childless lifestyle — vacationing with other child-free couples, sleeping in, and spending money as they like.

Alegria appreciates spending time with the children in his wide circle of friends and relations, but says he also enjoys sending them back to their parents at the end of a visit. Meanwhile, he and his wife are free to fly off to Disney World, the Caribbean, and any other destination they want to visit. They recently spent New Year’s weekend in Key West with friends, a trip that he knows wouldn’t have been the same with children.

The Alegrias’ feeling that their marriage would be changed by children is accurate. Intuitively, most couples know this. What comes as a surprise to many is that the change may be, in fact, a negative one. A recent study of 218 couples during the first eight years of marriage provided evidence that marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of a child and can take a long time to return, if it comes back at all.

Making the Decision

Many couples like the Alegrias choose to live childless for a variety of reasons.

“I think that the reasons couples make the choice to be child-free are as varied as the reasons other couples want to have children,” says marriage and family therapist Catherine Hastings, PhD, who practices in Lancaster, Pa. “For some, both [partners] want to put all their energy into their careers. Others want the lifestyle — to travel and be spontaneous in their plans. Others had experiences in their childhood that color their decision to parent.”

Many couples are very satisfied with a childless lifestyle. Others may find the decision more difficult. Hastings points out that the biggest problems arise when one member of a couple is afraid to discuss the issue with their partner, either to speak up about a desire for children or to advocate for a child-free marriage.

“If you’re afraid to talk about it, that’s a red flag,” she says. Both partners should be able to talk about the topic and feel safe that their opinions are listened to and respected. Unlike many other decisions a couple makes, being child-free is a choice that’s hard to change after a certain point in a marriage. Couples who are having a difficult time either making or living with this decision should seek professional help.

“What feels like an okay decision at a certain stage feels different when you are older,” says Hastings, pointing out that even couples who are basically satisfied with being child-free may feel a twinge of regret during certain family-oriented holidays or when friends with children reach milestones, including the arrival of grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Also, she says, the decision to be child-free may be easier in certain communities. Small towns with a strong family orientation can unintentionally leave child-free couples feeling ostracized, while diverse urban areas are often more welcoming to the childless couple. Ultimately, says Hastings, the decision is personal to each couple and even to each person in the couple.

Alegria agrees. “Don’t let anybody influence you,” he advises. Although he acknowledges there may never be a perfect time to have children, he says that almost everyone he talks to has regrets about the timing of their children or the number of children. But he and his wife have no regrets about the way they have managed their child-free marriage. “Choose your own life, whether it be to have children or not,” he suggests.

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