Sunday, October 31, 2010

If you’ve been alive since the Parent Trap remake and you hear “freckled celebrity,” your mind immediately jumps to Lindsay Lohan; however, she’s old news, having sported the same orange jumpsuit four times (a fashion faux pas of the highest offense) as she rocks out in prison. I’ve ripped the crown of “Most Sexily Freckled” from her over-processed head and are now searching for worthy contenders. Check out these ladies in their freckled glory (x-ray vision may be required to see freckles below the many layers of makeup and Photoshop):

The Conventional Wisdom
Supposedly, having some sweet dance moves like the Typewriter or a hot looking Moonwalk, will get chicks on your junk faster than you can say "Electric Slide."
Of course, the opposite holds true as well. If you've got the rhythm of an epileptic monkey then the odds are you're leaving the club alone. Science Shows...

A researcher in England named Dr. Peter Lovatt spent many a night in dance clubs observing how women reacted to dancing guys, probably in hopes of picking up some pointers. What Dr. Lovatt (who followed in the footsteps of such great minds as Sir Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein in transitioning to science from the world of professional dance) discovered was that by mimicking those sexy Saturday Night Fever moves of John Travolta, you (he?) will stand a better chance of getting laid.

Still probably not worth it.

After first creepily watching guys dance at clubs from afar, the doctor increased the creepiness factor and filmed himself dancing many of those same styles, and then showed the videos to 55 women, who voted on which moves were the most attractive.
Later he figured he might as well make a science experiment out of it and shared his results with the world. Presumably because he could not handle all of the boobage that came his way after that video made the rounds.

The Conventional Wisdom
If there's anything we can learn from our history lessons, it's that years and years of inbreeding leads to bad things. Just look at the royal families, where Charles II of Spain was thought by many people to be mentally retarded due to generations of inbreeding, or Prince Charles, who wound up with those terrifying ears.

Why stop at the ears?

Science Shows...
After 30 years of extensive research, which we assume involved spiking the punch bowls at many a family reunion and studying the shenanigans as they unfold, scientists in Western Australia have concluded that most babies born to first cousins are just as healthy as others.
If you're wondering why they felt the need to conduct this study in the first place, it's because the practice is remarkably common, at least by most standards, in that part of the world.

A typical set of Australian cousins.

In Western Australia, there are at least 500 marriages between first cousins, and many more throughout the world (we're looking at you, West Virginia), making this research essential if we're ever to thwart any X-Men-style mutant uprising that could result.

#1.

Jocks Get All the Girls

The Conventional Wisdom
If we can learn anything from countless classic 80s movies and television shows, it's that rich kids and jocks get all the girls. Oh sure, every once in awhile a nerd from Lambda Lambda Lambda can steal the starting quarterback's woman, but more often than not you're going to end up being the Duckie to some pretty boy's Andrew McCarthy.Science Shows...
Well we've got good news, Poindexter. Despite lacking the social skills and rugged good looks of your athletic counterparts, it turns out that chicks really do dig brains over brawn.

Good news, Cracked writers!

At least, that's what this study has concluded. As it turns out, it doesn't matter if a woman wants a long term relationship or just a little fling. The common denominator (that one's for you, dorks!) in what a woman really wants is a dude with a high IQ. No, seriously.
Using a series of tasks that apparently combined Survivor with Mr. Wizard, researchers filmed 15 different men ranging in intellect and athleticism and then showed those videos to 200 college-aged women. The men would then be judged based on perceived intelligence, creativity and the ability to do physical tasks like catching a Frisbee and kickboxing.

Sex machine.

What the studies showed was that, more often than not, the creativity and overall braininess of these potential Dating Game-style suitors won out over simply being good looking. Now don't get us wrong, the study also showed that women still preferred guys who were the best of both worlds, being smart while still bearing an uncanny resemblance to Zack Morris.
We should also point out the study was carried out by scientists who were almost certainly nerds themselves. So maybe we shouldn't be surprised if the next study is called, "An Analysis of the Prevalence of Enormous Genitalia Among Scientists (and We Do Mean Enormous, Ladies)".