can someone help me before I hurt more? *triggering*

I was thinking why all this, why I'm such a psycho, and I found out that is depression. but first I will explain everything.

my depression is caused cause I used to play video games for years, 5-10 hours per day, 18 hours per day is my record. so while playing, inside the person some chemicals are released in large amounts and makes a person happy and literally addicted. so then body adjusts to large amounts of those chemicals. when I stopped playing video games after hours and hours, I didnt went to bed happy. I was always, how to say, not in a good mood. I was only happy while playing games. once parents forbid me to play video games and I thought I'm gonna go mad, that I'm gonna end in a hospital. and its been proven that video games causes a serious addiction and signs are: bad hygiene, no social contacts, almost no friends, low physical activity. and I had those signs.

so now nothing makes me happy. nothing. I bought an electric guitar. yeah I know, dreams of every rock fan. I thought this will really rock, but after a week I stopped playing my guitar. now its only dust on it and its in a corner of my room. after that it all started. I stopped watching TV, music is annoying to me, I cant listen to music, I'm sick of the food, I only eat when I'm hungry, so mostly I go to the work in the morning without eating and then after two hours I get really hungry. but I appreciate the food I get. what else? oh, I used to read a lot. pages and pages of specific knowledge on wikipedia, I read my friends poems and stories, I helped people like on this forum. but now I cant read my best friends story, I cant read a lot cause I just cant. maybe I can write a lot, thats where I'm still good, but I just cant read a lot. and yesterday I tried to help someone, but I just didnt knew what to say to that girl, so I cowardly closed the conversation window. I know, I'm not proud of myself.

*triggering*
so I'm very sure depression is buggin me really bad, those chemicals are messed up. so, to the problem, about how big psycho I am. I bought two guinea pigs and I thought I'm gonna spend a lot of time with them and I just wont be depressed anymore cause they will keep me happy. but it didnt worked out like I thought. I just want some affection, someone to show me love cause no one really did in last 18 years, so guinea pigs only runs away when I'm trying to pick them up. especially now. why? it made a bigger depression in me when guinea pigs didnt showed me any affection, so I beat them. I pinched their ears and I wanted to hear them sqeaking very loud. I was pouring the water on them in their cage and I was watching them how they try to escape. and few other things. I did that few times, now I stopped. when I'm happy I do regret, but when I'm depressed I just dont think about it.

the other thing I did is really mean. about a month ago, I was talking with my friends on msn. I faked suicide, I left a message to my two best friends and set status to 'appear offline'. after few minutes I came back. they were both crying. one couldnt stopped shaking, another one lost trust for me and she still didnt forgived me.

and I also have evil thoughts to do something and we are fighting against it. I dont get it why would I hurt someone in a sick, twisted way.

is there anyone that could help me???? anyone???? I would like if some councellor, psychologist, psychiatrist or whoever can help me, would talk to me on msn. but please dont judge me, be helpful, and talk to me. I was already talking with councellors but no one helped, they waited for me to continue the converstation, I think the person that helps me should talk a lot, ask me questions. or they dont understand why I'm doing this. or I expect from people too much? I thought thats how they help. please, is there anyone that would truly help me? cause no one helped me before. and I almost thought that I did found someone, but that councellor only helps me with God. she wants me to be open to God, of course I'm religious, I pray, but its not working. I need someone that really knows how to help me but not in a religious way cause its not working.

and I dont wanna do councelling in person, online through msn can work really great for me.

is there anyone that knows how to help? and I have a request: I cant talk to men, I just cant. I am a male myself, but I just cant talk deeply with guys, I had a male councellor, but I just couldnt say everything. I only have female friends, so I would really like if a female would talk to me and help me, please???? but help me only if you can handle everything that I will tell. its something more I did to my guinea pigs and its very triggering. and those evil thoughts arent that I wanna kill someone. everyone thinks that I wanna kill but its not. you can ask me on PM what are those evil thoughts, so you can see if you can help me or not.

I know there are things I need to do differently in my life, but it always seems to be so difficult.

As an experiment try doing something you think is "right" if you recognize you are doing something you think is "wrong". If you really don't like the "bad" things then see how you feel when you change. Just once, and if you like it try it again.

I give no promises of a miracle cure. If you are looking for one, then I hope you at least adjust your expectations.

I know it must be hard. It feels like there are two or more different version of you right? the real one has been pushed aside while the the other sides of you, the less pleasent ones are dominating.

You wonder why your doing this and yet deep down you know somewhere in your heart it isn't right. It's hard, I know but you've gotta try to pull through this. Also you should go actually see a counsellor in person rather then talk to them via the internet.

yes, there are good and evil side of me. good side loves, bad side is a psycho. I hurt my guinea pigs again yesterday. I couldnt stopped. a person that helps me says that I have an 'irresistible impulse'. whatever that is. and there is something more about my guinea pigs. this is so hard to tell and its the bigger reason why I'm suffering so much.

nothing really makes me happy anymore. I cant feel the love from my friends but I do love them and they do love me. I dont get it why I cant feel the love. love would be the only thing that makes me happy and good food and documentaries and our cat. I dont hurt our cat, maybe its because she shows a lot of affection, or at least she wants ME to stroke her belly.

now I'm so hungry and I dont know if I should go buy some great food or should I just make pancakes. I cant spend any more money, cause its for driving lessons.

and I'm not the person to write and express to help myself. but it would really help me if I would sing on a stage, run and jump on a stage, singing my favorite songs, and doing moves like Axl Rose does (Guns n Roses singer). Axl just do that moves and I really like those moves, I even do that moves in my everyday life.

but I dont wanna talk to a councellor and say 'I hurt my guinea pigs'.

help-a-lp,I've added you to my msn please try to have a good think about thing's maybe it's because you're feeling so down all the emotions you're experiencing are the negative and sad one's.Try to refrain from hurting your guinea pigs next time do your best,I understand how you're feeling.