Ten People We'd Have Preferred To Replace Charlie Sheen

10. John Goodman

More like "Three and One Quarter Men," no? We kid John Goodman, a sitcom veteran of nine seasons of "Roseanne," and a damned fine actor. It would also be a delight to see such a large and graceful man positioned as a cad. We can change how the world looks, America! It gets better!

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9. Oprah Winfrey

We know she's good on TV. She's got a loyal following. She may have some free time on her hands at the end of this week. She's good with friendship. Though we're not sure this one's a budgetary win.

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8. Warwick Davis

Like any working actor, the dwarf star of Willow and Leprechaun is always looking for a new gig. And this one would be good for, you know, symmetry's sake. There's a clean title change in the offing: "Two Men."

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7. Ryan Seacrest

With baby-man Seacrest in the mix, this could technically be called "One and a Half Men." Sheen was famously raking in more than a million dollars an episode at the height of his run, so just think of this as a cost benefit, and a boost in the styling department.

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6. John Stamos

Stamos' career has been a series of fill-ins and flops—"Jake In Progress," anyone?—ever since he retired the Uncle Jesse mullet from his "Full House" days. Why not torpedo one more astonishingly successful program with his winsome but completely forgettable charm? You can ruin this one, too, Stamos!

This actually worked in 1969, when Sargent replaced an ailing Dick York as Darrin Stephens for the final three seasons of "Bewitched." Come to think of it, Sargent sort of resembles Sheen and he's a proven sitcom stylist. Maybe this one's got legs…wait, no, the man's been dead since 1994. Sorry.

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2. A Navy SEAL Team Six member

It really doesn't matter who he is—just make sure it's one of the guys that capped Osama bin Laden. None of this "he couldn't make the trip" substitute stuff. We need the real deal.

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1. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Also in the market for a new gig, and how: it's been a rough couple of weeks for the Governator in repose. Separation. Love child. The revelation of a less-than-gorgeous mistress. If anyone is in a position to leverage bad will and lecherous behavior at this moment, it's Arnold.

Ten People We'd Have Preferred To Replace Charlie Sheen

It's official: Ashton Kutcher has nabbed Mr. Tiger Blood's spot on CBS's "Two and a Half Men" next season. But that decision has us feeling something less than winning. Should Demi Moore's boy toy falter, here are ten quick and easy replacements that might get us to watch*

More like "Three and One Quarter Men," no? We kid John Goodman, a sitcom veteran of nine seasons of "Roseanne," and a damned fine actor. It would also be a delight to see such a large and graceful man positioned as a cad. We can change how the world looks, America! It gets better!