Friday, December 23, 2016

If You're A Millennial, Read This

Millennials are among the largest
stereotyped group of people today. As self-entitled brats who do what
they want when they want, those of us millennials finding our birth
years in the 80s and 90s are fortunate if we aren't grouped in with
the spoiled 2000s babies. (A millennial by urban definition is
considered to be a person having a birth year of 1981 or later.)

However, even for those of us who got
plenty of tail whoopings and a good raising, we find ourselves caught
up in society's fad of habits. We all too often scoff at teen
millennials for their outlandish pop-culture ways but in reality we
find ourselves taking on the same cookie cutter ideas. With
technology changing human interaction, love and romance is expressed
in much different ways and “having a good time” or “hanging
with friends” has otherwise been noted through social media.

If you are a millennial in your 20s or
30s you may find the following things to be all too true in this day
and age:

First
impressions are everything. Back before our time it was considered
rude and unheard of to fart or burp in front of your date, and
especially your spouse. Now it seems if you make it past the first
two dates, a millennial man will welcome you with open arms and a
smelly fart, the woman returns in kindness with a garlic ensued
belch. Its disgusting really, while I find myself holding in my farts
around my boyfriend whom I live with, my burps bubble forth like Mt.
Saint Helens spewing her top. Of course after the first two dates its
too much trouble to hold in all that painful air whether it be
heading north or south.

As
mentioned before, I live with my boyfriend.....And cue all the
negative comments and blah blah blah. Its the norm nowadays. People
are moving in together instead of getting married. Couples in their
thirties have no desire to marry yet build an entire life together
with a house, kids and a fat dog in front of the fire place, its just
the norm now. No one has a problem with it. I can't say I disagree,
had I lived with my ex husband before marrying him, I would've never
married him. LOL, it's true. That all being said I don't think
marriage has lost its importance I just think its considered a high
risk, a risk some would prefer not to take.

Part
of being a millennial includes having our faces glued to a phone,
tablet or some other hand-held electronic device, that will bend to
our ever wish and whim at the touch of a fingertip.

As
mentioned previously about face-glueing we find ourselves carrying on
romantic relationships over the phone. And no, I don't mean like back
in the 90s when you sat in your bed upside down with your feet on the
wall talking to your crush on that clear plastic phone with a cord
that never seemed to stay untangled; what I mean is sending texts to
convey love. Do they really have the same meaning as a heartfelt
letter? The answer is not clear. I can't say I feel any less loved
receiving a texted “I love you.” But then again I've been
conditioned along with the rest of society to accept this as normal.

This also brings us to “poop texting”. Don't even make that face.
You all know what I'm talking about. You are texting that one person
that just makes your bejeweled world go round and suddenly a massive
logging truck shows up at your back door demanding to dump its
timber. Well heck its not like your face-timing anybody, so go ahead
take off a load and text that crush of yours with your best strain
face.

We all go through that phase where we think about deleting our social
media accounts but then we know if we did this we would sit at home
with nothing to do and our lives would be meaningless. Ninety-nine
percent of our entertainment rest on the drama of Facebook, the
updates of Twitter, the duckfaces of Instagram and the nudes of
Snapchat.

Millennials crave the words “I love you” and “I'll never cheat
on you” though we can't trust half of the people that say them,
because in our millennial age, monogamy means nothing.

Way back when, people use to talk their problems out, now its just
easier to blow off someone's text and say, “I'm fine” when really
you just want to punch kittens.

Back to social media.... You ever catch yourself lurking? But only to
get your feelings hurt? Yeah, you're a millennial, because only a
millennial would care enough to lurk that hard.

Dedication in relationships means and takes so much nowadays. Its
always as if one person is catching feelings for a fuckboy/fuckgirl.
There just aren't enough faithful people to go around anymore.

Emojis are going to be the death of us all. While such a nifty
invention helps to convey emotion and feeling through text, we all
know that one person that uses them in every single text message, to
the point where your eyes stick in your head from rolling them so
much. Of course I'm guilty of emoji use too, but since the new iPhone
iOS release, my boyfriend and I find ourselves mostly talking in
GIFs. That's right... and we are both 90s babies.

What use to be a privilege to use in school or the library is now at
the touch of our fingertips with a smart phone or other device-the
internet. I remember the days when the simple websites to go too had
16 bit online games that required a huge clunky modem to run them.
And don't even get me started on the old CD-ROM games, 2000s babies
don't even know what they are missing!

Speaking of the internet, memes seem to be a popular theme along with
several pictures of cats and dogs being dressed up. Memes and these
lovely critter pics have convinced me that no one sane is left in the
world. Of course I mean this melodramatically as I share a meme to my
Facebook wall of a milk-drunk baby that says,” I don't always drink
milk, but when I do it's Dos Titties.”

Of course too with the title Millennial comes the undeniable
self-entitlement to spoil oneself. Bath bombs are the newest rave and
way to do this. Some even have prizes in them. The other day I paid
$14.99 for one of these chalky tie-died balls that promised to have
either a $10 or $10,000 ring inside. I ran my warm bath water,
stepped in and dropped in the ball. It bubbled and fizzed and made it
look like my turd cutter was fueling my bathtub into a jacuzzi.
Finally after about 15 minutes, the fizzing stopped and up popped a
clear plastic ball. I snatched it up, opened it, around the ring was
a tag that said $10. So there I sat in my purple colored bath water
adorning my proudly earned $10 ring. Fifteen dollars for a damn fizz
ball while 200,000 Americans are sleeping on the streets....WTF is
wrong with us?

Apparently my hairstylist is always displeased with my eyebrows.
She's always offering me a deal to wax them so that they can be “on
fleek” as they call it. This isn't limited to just women, but
seriously I don't have a unibrow and I pluck regularly.... Maybe I
don't want Kim Kardashian's huge dark eyebrows. And I sure as hell
ain't suctioning my lips in a glass tumbler to get Kylie Jenner's
silicone injected lips. Its like giving your lips a hicky, just
YouTube it...

If I had a dollar for every time someone annoyed me I'd be swimming
in money like Squilliam's Fancy Son on Spongebob. I'm a millennial
and other millennials irritate me.

If you're lucky enough to be treated like a queen or king by your
signifcant other then you will be the envy of your friends and there
is also a good chance you will fuck it up- courtesy of being a
millennial.

Many of us millennials don't make a living off of jacking luxury cars, for the simple fact 95 percent of us can't drive a manual vehicle. If you have to ask what a clutch is, just go right ahead and tell everyone around you to facepalm themselves, because you aren't helping our case here. Seriously though, I was born in 1994, I know how to drive a stick, yet I know only a handful of millennials who can drive a manual. It's sad really.

Of course too there is the struggle of screen brightness for us. Even
with night shift on and the brightness turned all the way down, your
squinting into your poop-strain face just trying to read Facebook in
bed. Not to mention I think after a few years of dropping my phone on
my face I have flattened my nose.

And last but not least, the few good millennials like myself that are
left are all assholes, its how we ward off those dang hipsters and
like a species of bird it is our identifying trait in order to find
those just like us, who try to keep our retro values while staying in
the know. For example: The cons to dating me: I'm an asshole; The
Pros to dating me: I'm your asshole.

So if you're an asshole millennial, welcome, find peace in your
brethren.