Thursday, August 09, 2007

In a move that has stunned parents and parents-to-be across the globe, White Stripes front man Jack White revealed the name of his first born baby.

From our own correspondent:

"Henry Lee" - the name hangs like a convicted 15th century turnip thief in the stunned silence of the press conference. A silence broken only by the unrestrained retching of the normally Iron-Stomached Hello! reporter, and quiet but open weeping from the OK! contingent.

White, wisely, kept the conference brief - one can only imagine that this was to prevent a potential lynching by the outraged parents present. Soon reactions from responsible parents across the globe start to flood in.

First in the door was mother of 3 Katie "Jordan" Price, mother of Princess Tiáamii. "I think it's a disgrace! How is that child supposed to live with a name like that? I don't know how things are in America, but here we expect our celebrities to behave a certain way. How are chavs supposed to pick names for their children with that kind of example?!". Her sentiments were echoed by Bob "Jesus" Geldof in much stronger terms. Sir Bob, father of Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie (also legal guardian of Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily) demanded "immediate action from the American Child Protection thingy! Or whatever it's called....". When pressed on what kind of action, he was heard to mumble something about not liking Mondays and the need to press his linen suit with enormous rolled up wads of cash whilst preaching about curing poverty.

Last in the first line of Brits to criticise White's choice of baby name was floppy haired, eighties, Duran Duran front man and New Romantic - Simon LeBon. "The man simply has no excuse for picking a name like that. Take me for instance, I have 3 children, and I have no objection to Jack following my fine example. All you need is a Dulux Colour chart and you have infinite baby names! My three are Amber Rose Tamara, Saffron Sahara and Tallulah Pine and I only used their Spring range!"

Then it was the turn of the Americans. From the Vegas show hacks like Penn Jilette (father of Moxie CrimeFighter) calling for White's blood, though that was mainly for his stage show with along Sooty impersonator and partner - Teller. Later in the day Cher, mother of the ironically named Chastity, was heard to demand a return to "traditional Hollywood values". Even going so far as to suggest legislation regulating against "naming one's offspring based on anything other than a whim or flight of fancy".

Actress Shannyn Sossamon (mother of Audio Science) said that 'We should all follow the forward thinking antipodeans in their naming culture, where only backward bureaucrats prevent perfectly normal and legitimate naming practices'.

New Zealand couple the Wheatons have been forced to name their child Superman (Nicholas Cage - father of Ka-lel, approves) purely because of the stone age government not allowing them to call the poor child 4Real. "We're hoping he won't get bullied at school to be honest. After 4Real was rejected we really had to think on our feet" says Pat Wheaton. "Yeah, we think he'll be right though - we reckon there is someone called Keith starting the same year as him so little Superman should avoid any being picked on stuff". Asked about Jack's choice of baby name, they responded with now all too familiar vomit and horror. "That's awful! What's he trying to do to that poor child?" exclaimed a now inconsolable Sheena.

From this harrowing experience, I can report that there has been an unbelievable coming together of parents across the world. They are all uniformly appalled by the selfish; self aggrandising, sickening and virtually criminal disregard for potential damage such stupid a naming convention may cause to a child. There is a fund that you can all contribute to that may persuade Jack to rename that poor boy.