Re-watching the wrestling classics since 2015

It’s 1993 and it’s finally time to add a 5th pay per view into the mix. It’s King of the Ring! For the first time ever! Sort of! I think 1988 was the first actual tournament. Anyway, let’s get to it.

Very quickly – King of the Ring is an elimination tournament where the victor goes on to subsequent matches until they’re the only one standing.

1. Round 1, Match 1: Razor Ramon vs. Bret Hart

This is the second time these two faced each other. I wonder how Razor Ramon will do this time?

To keep the matches quick, every one only has a 15 minutes time limit. I’m hoping this will keep the pace pretty hot and –

Ah shit, arm bar

While Hart tries to keep the pace nice and slow, Ramon is having none of it and keeps going on the offense with big, exciting power moves. The crowd shows their confused support by chanting for the 1-2-3 kid, making that the first and only time in history he was the subject of an audience chant.

The momentum is going back and forth until Hart gets the upper hand with a series of side slams and elbows off the 2nd rope. Ramon goes for the Razor’s Edge and Hart scrambles out and reverses it with a small package.

This is pretty exciting!

As Ramon goes for a suplex off the top rope, Bret kind of falls on him and gets the pin. Bret wins!

Overall: That was a snappy little opening match. These guys put on a good show

2. Round 1, Match 2: Mr. Hughes vs. Mr. Perfect

Do you think they chose this match because they both have “Mister” in their names? Because I do.

Gang, I do not remember Mr. Hughes at all. I think his whole deal was to see how inappropriately he could dress for a wrestling match

You’d think it would be difficult to wrestle in business attire and sunglasses

Mr. Hughes gets the early advantage, but has trouble maintaining it because he’s wrestling in a full suit. He keeps the match pretty aggressive, but he can’t change the fact that he’s wearing suspenders and a tie.

Mr. Perfect gets the upper hand back because Mr. Hughes is wearing sunglasses that don’t come off and he looks like a stupid, stupid idiot.

Mr. Hughes is quickly disqualified, probably for wearing dumb clothes, but moreso for hitting Mr. Perfect in the face with an urn.

Overall: That match was horrible

3. Round 1, Match 3: Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead vs. Bam Bam Bigalow

Keeping with my commitment from Wrestlemania VI, I refuse to recap or watch Hacksaw matches anymore. He is awful. Just horrible.

Yes. Be my fat agent of top rope justice, Bam Bam

Overall: Bam Bam Bigalow wins, which is great

4. Round 1, Match 4: Lex Lugar vs. Tatanka

At this point in his career, Lugar is still doing his horrible “Narcissist” bit. He also has a side story that he has a metal / bionic / reconstructed arm, so he needs to wrestle with a an elbow pad on it.

Yeah, in retrospect, this whole shtick is ridiculous

Tatanka comes out hot for Lugar and easily takes control with a series of high impact power moves. The crowd was really enjoying the action, so he decides to grind it to a screaming halt with an arm bar.

God, I hate arm bars.

Giant floating Bam Bam head also thinks they’re crap

Ho hum. Lugar turns it around and goes on a run. Not much to say in this one, it’s a very by-the-books match. They go right to the time limit and neither guy can get the pin before time runs out. That is 15 minutes I’ll never get back. Winner = no one. Bam Bam gets a pass to the finals

Overall: This match was like an argument from a Bill Cosby defense lawyer. Technically well constructed, but ugly and makes the world a worse place

6. Round 2, Match 1: Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect

Before the match, Mean Gene interviews Hart and Perfect. He stirs up shit by telling Perfect that Hart wanted to face him instead of Mr. Hughes because it would be an easier match. Mr. Perfect basically calls Hart an asshole and says “all you Canadians are alike”

i.e. Greasy-haired, pink-wearing fuckheads

These two haven’t met since SummerSlam 91 when Hart beat Mr. Perfect for the Intercontinental Belt. Mr. Perfect is eager to get revenge and starts out with a bunch of quick takedown moves and reversals. Hart keeps going for the side headlock, which makes me think this match is going the distance.

I’m pretty sure the movie was based on this match

As the match progresses, Mr. Perfect starts using dirtier and dirtier tactics and the crowd gets more firmly behind Bret. To add to the drama, Bret Hart injures his knee taking a hard bump outside the ring. Mr. Perfect starts getting more and more aggressive with a series of quick pins.

Eventually Perfect slaps on the sleeper hold and it looks like the end. Bret manages to sneak out and hits Perfect with a series of high-impact moves. Perfect goes for a small package but Bret reverses it and gets the pin!

Even though Perfects shoulder is like, a mile off the ring

Overall: Yet another match that proves WWE referees are hired not in spite of – but specifically due to – their incompetence

7. Heavyweight Championship Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna

Why did Jimmy Hart start managing Hulk Hogan in the first place? I can’t remember what brought that about.

Did it have something to do with Mustache power?

So Hogan gets to fight another big fat guy. I wonder if this will be like his match against Bundy? Or his match against Earthquake? Or his match against Andre? I wonder if Hogan’s entire gameplan will be based on trying to slam Yokozuna?

Wrestling has as much to do with this match as Bernie Sanders supporters have to do with a basic understanding of politics. It’s non-stop punches and kicks. Hogan just keeps going for the slam and Yokozuna keeps blocking it.

I’ve seen this match too many times. Yokozuna has all the momentum and he goes for the bear hug.

All the big guys have big hearts that lead to big hugs

To the surprise of no one, Hulk Hulks The Fuck Out. Despite all the Hulking out, Yokozuna needs 3 big boots to go down. Hogan drops the leg, but Yokozuna kicks out. Hogan can’t believe it, so he decides to go for the slam. At the same time a mystery reporter jumps up onto the ring and explodes his camera in Hogan’s face. Hogan is blinded and Yokozuna drops the big, fat leg and gets the pin

9. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Crush

Historians take note! Diesel makes his first Pay Per View appearance at the side of Shawn Michaels. Also of note! I just realized that Shawn Michaels and Crush have the two greatest mullets in WWE history

Even Rapunzel is like “shit that’s a mullet lol”

Kind of interesting vibe to this match. Crush tries to show off a bunch of wrestling moves. He alternates between quick, aerial moves and high-impact power moves. He’s doing pretty sweet until Diesel distracts him and Shawn Michaels attacks him from behind.

The match is going pretty darn good until goddaamn Doink(s) show up. Crush is distracted again (seriously dude, focus on the match) and Michaels superkicks him in the head

Overall: I surprisingly enjoyed that match, until stupid Doink showed up

10. King of the Ring Final: Bret Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigalow

The final King of the Ring match, lets get started. Bret hobbles into this match all beaten up – a gimp knee, crummy fingers, tired from multiple matches. Bam Bam is fresh and ready to go and not surprisingly, takes immediate control of the match.

Given this is the final event of the night, the crowd is pretty quiet during the whole thing. Maybe they don’t find it entertaining to watch their hero beaten mercilessly for 15 solid minutes?

Although I guess some people like it?

There’s a brief moment outside the ring where Bret shows some signs of life, but it doesn’t last long. While Bam Bam is arguing with the ref, Luna Vashon runs out from backstage and hits Bret Hart with a chair. Hart is knocked silly, and Bam Bam gets the easy pin for the win!

But wait! Another referee comes out and disagrees with the decision due to the interference by Vashon and says the match needs to continue.

Ohhh this sucks

Bam Bam keeps putting Hart in the backbreaker. During the second one, Hart reverses it into a sleeper hold. He finally starts showing some offense and puts on a few moves. Because it’s a Bret Hart match, it ends incredibly abruptly. Hart goes onto Bam Bams shoulders and rolls it into a pin

Bret’s finishing move is basically sneaky pins from out of nowhere

Overall: The last match was a little long, but I really enjoyed this entire event