Tag Archives: cycling

Cyclists are a menace, according to people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people each year, it has been reported.

Middle aged motorist Chris Bumfield said: “Nearly 2000 people were killed in road accidents involving motor vehicles last year, but I definitely think cyclists are way more dangerous than car drivers because of one recent high profile case where a cyclist accidentally collided with a pedestrian.”

“The right wing media were absolutely right to use a tragic accident like this to stir up animosity towards cyclists, because Sun-reading bigots like me enjoy having these feelings of hatred towards minority groups, and some people prefer to channel their hatred onto scapegoats that aren’t racial.”

“All cyclists should definitely be banned and forced to pay road tax, especially those who slow me down when I’m late for work, or when I just want to drive and text at the same.”

Sun editor Tony Gallagher said: “Our fake news paper has always campaigned in favour of right wing prejudices, and we are pleased to announce the start of a new anti-cycling campaign in the Sun.”

“I can reveal tomorrow’s front page will feature an exclusive story blaming cyclists for every type of cancer and linking them with increased rates of cardiovascular disease in middle aged drivers who hate cyclists.”

“By discouraging the public from using this inexpensive, healthy mode of transport, we aim to convert people of all ages into fat, middle-aged motorists who hate everyone except other fat, middle aged motorists.”

Today the cycling world was rocked by fresh allegations about mechanical doping on the pro racing scene.

According to a leaked report seen by Newscrasher, the UCI has uncovered damning evidence that a well known member of a UK-based professional cycling team has been discovered to not be using mechanical or conventional doping.

Doping has long been practised by athletes looking for a competitive advantage and is relatively easy to detect. But recent advances in battery technology have made it possible to fit compact electrical motors inside competition bicycles, freeing cyclists from the hassle of having to prepare and take drugs ahead of races, and a number of well known cyclists register extraordinary performances using mechanical doping.

However, the revelation that some professional cyclists are shunning mechanical doping will send shock waves through the cycling community, and we can expect serious questions to be asked in the coming days regarding how this unsporting behaviour can be detected and discouraged, in order to maintain a level playing field in this sport.