The New Father’s Day: My Day of the Week After Divorce

The New Father’s Day: My Day of the Week After Divorce

The SPO, or Standard Possession Order is what 90% of most co-parents will agree to. It’s not 50/50, but over time, the courts have determined it is the easiest schedule for fractured families to adhere to. I’m not always sure I shouldn’t have fought a little bit for something more equitable, but this is what we’ve got.

In my little universe, within the SPO and non-custodial parent role, I have ONE DAY every week that is MINE. Thursdays are my unofficial New Father’s Day. Your parenting plan with your co-parent may assign that day on a different day of the week, but Thursdays are my day.

Even on the off weeks, like tonight, when I only have my kids this one night before surrendering them back to the care of their mom, even on these single nights, it feels like a holiday for me. I’m not sure how it feels to the kids, since most of their time is spent at their mom’s, the marital home, their real rooms.

The one thing I am certain of, is Thursday is my favorite day of the week, every week. And one of the positive benefits of this schedule is when they come to my house, I am always 100% excited to see them. I laugh with them. Joke with them in ways only a dorky father does. And I bring my own perspective on life into their lives. We have a good time.

There is nothing mundane. No time with my kids is ever taken for granted. If I have been given one thing by the divorce it is the raised awareness that every night, every moment with my kids is sacred.

So, I declare a NEW Father’s day. Not one founded on marketing or advertising promotions, but one that focuses on the primary day of the week when Dads are reunited with their kids. Cherish it, cherish the time you do have with them, and make the most of your interactions with them. Let them know how special they are, and how happy you are to see them. Over and over again.

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.Father’s Day, What Father’s Day ? …….. How Parental Alienation Effects Father’s Today ……………..By Joseph Goldberg, 2012………………… . . This is an important article for Grandfathers as well as for fathers. . I am spoofing the title of this article from a good friend of mine, Chaim Steinberger. He wrote a very insightful and brilliant journal article on Parental Alienation that he called, “ Father, What Father ? “ . I decided to write about this holiday because many father’s will be hurting when it arrives. They won’t be getting to see their child or receive a call or any cards or any other acknowledgement because their children are alienated and that means come Sunday they’ll be rejected for very unjustified reasons. . For some dad’s who will be waiting to see their kid because a court order forces them to go, don’t be surprised when they show up- only to tell you they don’t want to be with you or only to say,” I hate you “… don’t expect them to change,,, that’s why its called a parental alienation dynamic. . I am writing my article just for fathers and for grandfathers, but the rest of you will hopefully also appreciate the message. . You know the old saying, “ Silence is deafening. “ Well it’s deafening for a reason, and as another old saying goes, “ Everything happens for a reason. “ Even though you may not be getting their affection on Sunday, it doesn’t mean your child isn’t at least thinking of you, and because they are alienated and unable to express to you that you’re not forgotten … and that they do love you, let me be the first one to remind you of that fact. Your kids do love you, and you’re not forgotten because Sunday, is also a very painful holiday reminder for them. . It’s painful to them to be without you because every- where they go and see a father with his son or, with his daughter; laughing, hugging, or kissing, smiling at each other, going out to lunch together, to dinners or a movie, driving together, talking on a cell phone, texting, meeting up somewhere, it reminds them that it’s also not them being with you. . Every time they turn on their TV that day, flip open their computer, listen to the radio, they will hear that it’s Father’s Day, and every time they pass by a store there will be an item for sale saying it’s Father’s Day, and they didn’t get you your present. They didn’t get to say, “ you’re my dad “ and then the words, `” I love you. “ They’ll try and block it out but how do you block out the sky, the ground below…. how do you erase the touch on your skin or what you feel deep in your bones ? It’s a psycho- logical skeleton. . Denial is a fixated condition for alienated children, so is breathing. Memories of love for father are never really erased they’re just buried below the surface and those memories will resurface on this Sunday, Father’s Day. . Take comfort in the fact that your picture may not be in a frame next to their bed or on the wall in their mom’s house, but they are not deleted from their memory. It is also hard to ignore mother trying to pretend how much better off they are without you, while the look on her face also reminds them she can’t be the father they’re missing out on today. . No matter what stepfather tries to take your place after you got replaced, displaced and erased, nothing is ever going to hold back their feelings of loss because they’re connected to their father when they see themselves in a mirror. Some likeness of you is something in their DNA that they can see in their own face. . Not only are there painful memories there are probably more than a few good ones. Like the time you took them to a show, or watched them at a school performance, or played some game with them, played with your pet, took them to visit your parents, cooked a meal for them, these memories are also resurfacing around them. . Imagine how it must feel for them to watch their friends getting together with their dads and how they have to explain or avoid talk- ing about you not being around on Father’s Day. Imagine anyone else trying to act as a substitute for the father they are missing in their lives and never saying, . “ Why don’t you call your dad today ? “ . How is their behaviour going to be memorial- ized in the future ? . Father’s Day, is something I feel long after my own father has passed away. You don’t have to actually be around to be remembered and to be loved. I don’t need to feel bad about the father’s day I am not spending with him this Sunday, I will be thinking about all the good times with my dad and I know that your child- ren might want you to believe that they don’t love you back, but that’s just denial talking. . You’re as much a part of their life as you have ever been ( even more so ) and not because of being present, but because of being absent. Believe it because we know from all the social science research that this is truly how alienated children are feeling. . I feel my father is with me now even though he passed more than 15 years ago. I was alienated from him by a mother that extinguished him from my life, but not forever. We made up for all the lost time and years of alienation that was stolen from us both. . In the Jewish religion when a loved parent dies we say prayers, Kaddish, and we light a candle in memory of the parent. Perhaps as a way to remember that you are still a parent you should light a candle and keep it burning all day, on Father’s Day. . Say a prayer of love, memorialize your feelings of loss and perhaps to help be forgiving so anger does not take over the better part of judgment in your life. . As a targeted, rejected parent remember the good parts of the person you are and remain and strive to lift yourself up, don’t let any- thing change that belief in your-self because sometimes all we have is ourselves to believe in, and in truth that’s the one person whose opinion counts the most. . For more educational information please visithttp://www.ParentalAlienation.cahttp://www.ParentalAlienationEducation.com