As the many ham-fisted, wrong-footed or otherwise abortive attempts I’ve made over the last couple of years testify, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. (So hard in fact, that in the end, rather than just blurt it out, I disguised the reveal in last week's hitching trip.) Just in case there's still any doubt, however, or just in case you're more confused now than you were a week or so ago, let me just clarify:

I’m not the ugly brute I’ve been claiming to be for the past couple of years. There. I've said it.

I know a few of you had your doubts, some of them verging on the vociferous. Well, congratulations. Your cynicism was not unfounded – at least not entirely.

'...I enjoy reading Stan Cattermole’s writing as much as I enjoy Mark Twain and Charles Dickens and Kurt Vonnegut. In fact, I have rarely read anything more painfully humorous and delightfully moving.'

In a nutshell..

I am a good man - loving and funny and true - wrapped in the body of a brutal, brutal mess. I also have a face like a bag of elbows. This is my curse. If you see me limping down a London street, do not judge me - because you do not know me. Just give me a smile, or if that proves too difficult, please try to look away without wincing. It really is the least you can do.

‘You are such a wanker, you really are! People like you make me wanna vomit. My got [sic] the world would be such a dull place if you had your way, wouldnt [sic] it?’- Anonymous Sebastian Horsley fan

‘[Bete de Jour] is an awesome writer, and has the balls to write about some ridiculously personal stuff…. Read his 'significant moment' posts… they're all great, and revealing, and refreshingly honest.’- TheTelf

‘I salute your great honesty, unless you made it up, in which case I salute your great dishonesty.’- Larry Teabag

‘Your blog is really good and interesting, even when you are writing about disgusting things like vomit and poo.’- Uncle Did

‘I knew it! Surely there had to be something worth reading out there in Blogland. And now I've found it. I did read the one track mind girl for a while, but then everyone told her she was a good writer, so she started writing like someone trying to be a writer, which was tiresome. I hope that doesn't happen to you… More power to your elbow(s).’- Brian