“Police in China’s Zhejiang province were searching for a man’s penis after he reported that it had been stolen while he was sleeping. ‘I was so shocked I didn’t feel a thing,’ said the man.” [Harper’s, via @JC_Christian]

Pandaazzz! At the Sandy Eggo Zoo. The unwashed masses insist that Stinque Overlord Nojo make a day trip to the zoo (tax write-off, natch), to see how Butterstick 3.0 is doing. Besides, dear hamster, it will do you good to go outside for more than a cigarette and langostino burrito down the road. The fucking iPhone app will still be there waiting for you to program it when you come home.