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As entertainment critic Roger
Ebert once said, "If you disagree with something I write, tell me so, argue
with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."

A brief recap of last week's episode starts off. Michael Ostened it. Kassie and Brooke are weepy about it. Matt siezes the opportunity to get a hug from Kassie. David tells us he discovered Brooke and Kassie wanted to get rid of him. He pulls them aside and tells Liz doesn't wear the pants in their relationship. My bs detector is going off. He tells us they feel threatened by Liz because she's so smart and beyootiful. Wallace gets a giggle out of me when he tells us that Michael went out like a champ.

Brooke and Jason play pool as Jason makes comments about Kassie and Neveen's large backsides. He calls them bedunks. Badunks? He tells Brooke she has an apple butt. Neveen and Jason fight. Wallace has his arm around Chris. Take note of that, as it will be shown again later. Neveen calls him Donkey Kong Jason. Neveen asks him if that's all he's got. Jason tells her he wants her to feel like the man in the relationship. Neveen tells him she has more attraction to a jar of peanut butter, which for some odd reason, she is holding. Jason tells everyone he feels like he's on a bleeping soap opera. I watch soap operas and trust me, Jason, the people on it are much prettier. Kassie tells them that they have sexual tension. Sweetie, Neveen is a lesbian. Even Jason, as stupid as he is, understands that. Jason tells us Neveen is starting to grow on him. He must enjoy their little squabbles.

Brooke comes out of nowhere and starts screaming at Jason. I'm not sure why, since it seemed like a pretty relaxed argument. She screams at him, he looks dumbfounded at her. She runs off, then has a heart to heart with Wallace. He tells her people will see Jason for who he is. Just like we're about to see what smug biyotch Wallace is.

David and Liz are in Liz's room, and David tells her she put salt in Kassie and Brooke's wounds when Michael left. They show her laughing when everyone is all upset. David calls her "feisty." She tells him she will be a little smiling princess around the girls. Sure you will.

Now we have the moment that made me want to scour out my eyes with a brillo pad. Kassie tells us Eden would be nothing without Matt. And his teeth. His teeth should be listed separately in the credits. Kassie and Matt sit on a bed together. He asks him what she would do if he made a move on her. She laughs. He says he's nervous, and then scoops her up and kisses her. She giggles and kisses him back. Then we see them standing and kissing more. Because if you're on a bed and kissing you naturally want to get out of bed. Matt's tongue is shown, and I am horrified. The teaser tells us Kassie is torn between her friend and her lover. Somehow I think Matt will end up winning this one. Ah, sweet irony. A V chip commercial.

Wallace takes out the canoe and Brooke says he can bend over for her anytime. Although it's a bit hard to understand her with her tongue hanging out. Music plays, and everyone dances. Chris takes off his shirt. Wallace uses his shirt to pull him towards him, as Matt jiggles behind Chris. Is it HoYay if there is a homosexual involved? Kassie voices over that she's a little freaked out that Matt enjoyed himself so much. Okay, so that's not actually what she said, but you know that's what she's thinking.We cut over to David and Liz, and they are boring. David tells us Liz reminds him of his ex. I'm not sure what to make of that. Back to Wallace and Chris wearing matching robes. Wallis forevah!! Chris gets ready for bed and tells us that he thinks Wallace has no problem with people thinking they are a couple. We get more HoYay as Kassie and Brooke clutch at each other.

Kassie tells Wallace that Chris has the hots for him. I want to smack her and those ugly black roots of hers. Wallace tells her it's not funny. At this moment, I thought how pissed I was going to be if I had to recap a beating. Brooke thinks it's funny. Her drooling tongue is saying, "Pick me to make him understand who you really are." Wallace calls Brooke and tells her he is coming over. He brushes his teeth. We get to see those awkward moments before they make out. There is a bunch of kissing shown. Brooke's self esteem is gone as she is now thinking entirely with her drooling tongue.

Claudia reads her Bible. She tells us she doesn't approve of all the hookups. Why do I need to see Jordan applying Rogaine and zit cream? He plays with the lights in the bathroom and tells us he has no girl to talk to. The next morning, Brooke and Liz beat Matt and Wallace in volleyball. Matt doesn't take loosing well. Neveen talks with her mouth open and makes fun of Matt. Matt tells us he's gotta find a way to get rid of her. And Jordan too, while you are at it, okay? They are useless.

Chris and Brooke shoot pool, as Chris tries to pump her for information about what it was like to make out with Wallace. Brooke plays ignorant. Chris really wants to come out and ask her how big it is. Brooke smugly refuses to answer his questions. She tells us she felt violated. Girl, please. Wallace looks on, even more smug than Brooke.

Neveen asks Wallace and Brooke what they did. He tells her he gave Brooke a goodnight kiss. He kisses Neveen on the cheek. We see more evidence that Neveen is a lesbian as she makes a scrunchy face of dislike at the kiss. Fox shows us Brooke and Wallace making out. Once again the bs detector is blaring. Neveen asks if there was tongue. He says the kiss wasn't long enough unless he licked her then smooched. He makes a licking motion. For some reason his tongue doesn't repulse me like Matt's does.

Matt's self-esteem whines to Kassie to pay attention to him, and not Neveen. Kassie tells him Neveen is her friend and she cares for her. Matt tells her he should care for him too. I giggle.

In a move that proves how much better a man than Wallace he is, Chris pulls Wallace aside and tells him he doesn't want there to be any awkwardness between them. Wallace tells Chris how young and attractive he is, but it's not his thing. It must be awfully stuffy in that closet, dear.

Matt tells Kassie to keep Neveen out of her room. Neveen tells us she can't sleep alone. Even when she was at home she didn't. I really, really want to think she slept with a stuffed animal. Suddenly I have visions of her sleeping between her mom and dad, and am horrified again.

Brooke searches for Wallace and can't find him. He's off in the woods with Chris. She finally finds Wallace and tells him he can sleep in her room if he wants. Wallace closes his door and says not a chance. We see exactly how big Wallace is in his undies. He tosses and turns, dreaming of Chris no doubt. He calls Brooke and tells her to come on down, but if anyone sees her to turn around and come back home. Brooke answers his booty call. Girl, where is your self-esteem? He doesn't want anyone to know you are together.

Jordan tells us he planned a relay race. He and Matt are team captains. There is swimming, and running with swim fins on, and swimming, and a wheelbarrow race, and more swimming. Team Jordan, Neveen, Kassie, and Liz beat Chris, Wallace, Brooke, Matt, and Claudia. I guess David and Jason sat out. Jordan decides the loosing women have to wear lingerie and the men have to wear Neveen's clothes. They do, and Liz comments that Wallace's boobs are bigger than hers. That girl is so astute. Claudia looks pretty good in her outfit. Liz seems to appreciate it the most. Someone shouts that the Queen of Hell is coming, and we see Ruth. She tells them they are going to ask each other questions at the Tree of Truth.

Liz is asks if she said Kassie doesn't have a flat stomach. She says she did, and utters a fake apology. Kassie accepts and everyone claps. Wallace is asked if he has a sexual desire for Brooke, and he says yes, but he doesn't think it will go anywhere. She winks at him. Ugh, clearly, she thinks he is keeping it quiet that he is interested in her. Her self-esteem takes a flying leap into the ocean. Claudia tells everyone she feels most insecure around Brooke. David is asked who told him Kassie and Brooke wanted him off the island. David says Liz did. Kassie wants to know who else told him. David says Claudia heard a rumor about it... and Liz says she doesn't have to tell them since her moment of truth is over.

David tries to scold Liz for not being nice and Liz won't have it. She tells him they have an issue. She tells him he needs someone to feel superior to, and he says he does feel that way with her. He tells her he can still dominate her arse. Uh, sure you can, big guy. We go back to the bar where Kassie asks Claudia who she trusts the most and she says Liz. Brooke's eyes roll to the back of her head. Kassie tells her if she knows what's good for her she'll trust her and Brooke more than Liz. Yes! We officially have Amy the sequel. Claudia breaks down and Neveen tells her it's just a stupid game. Kassie isn't impressed with her tears and walks away. She and Matt fight in her room, and Kassie tells him she's not going to lick her arse. She tells him Brooke is. In the best line of the night, Matt hugs Kassie and tells her "I am here for you, dude." Claudia is shown in her room, crying. She tells us Eden is Evil. I really hope for her sake, this is the worst thing she has to deal with in her life.

The new guest Michelle arrives. Brooke says she looks like a hottie. Flat chested Liz is concerned about Michelle's fake boobs, which should get there own credits as well as Matt's teeth. Jason drools all over her. She and her huge hoop earrings tell us she's not there to make friends. My reality show cliché alarm is blasting right now. In the previews for next week, she tells us she is wild in a classy way. Hee! We see someone crying, and voiceover man tells us a medical emergency creates a shocking coupling possible. We see everyone lined up and Jordan asking Ruth if she is chicken. Does he want to pair off with her? Are two of the guys going to pair off? I don't think we will find out next week, since they were advertising Yankees/Red sox baseball for next Friday.

Great summary, DebCapsFan. I still have not watched the show, but summaries like this allow me to see just how much venality and stupidity I'm missing.

Unfortunately that charmed run will come to an end next week. Although I really wish it was possible, apparently it's not feasible to write a summary without watching the episode being summarized, and I'm up for next week (assuming it's on next week, that is).

On the bright side, now that Lex is gone from Survivor, I need to get my venality and stupidity from somewhere.

I've only done three summaries, but I found the ones for this show and Joe Millionare 2 just wrote themselves. The one for the Mole was a lot harder. The more the show sucks the easier it is to snark on it without any qualms.

Handcrafted by RolldDice Good luck whenever it runs again and may the snark be with you.

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