Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms

(Editor’s Note: Some of you have been saying there’s been a lack of sexual references in my reviews recently. So to make up for it, I’ve decided to review the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, who just so happens to have Trojan as a client at the public relations firm he works at. Thanks Robert, for reminding me that I’m not getting any action. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding. I’m crying right now. Enjoy.)

There are many things that suck about not having a girlfriend, like not being able to have sessions of sweet, sweet lovin’ that involve plastic sheets, strawberries, chocolate syrup, and paint brushes; making dinner for a woman and then hearing her say, “I’m not hungry, but I’m hungry for you”; not being able to showoff my strip tease videos; and not being able to try the latest condoms so I can review them.

However, with these new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms I had a tingling sensation, but not where you might think. I had a tingling sensation in my head, coming up with ways I could test it without actually paying needing a woman.

Being that the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms are made for those who want to be protected when â€œtalking to the mic,â€ I realized that all I really need to do with this condom was see if it tasted any good. But how was I going to do this?

(Editor’s Note: Yes, you can use the condom for intercourse. Intercourse? That’s too sterile of a term for me. Yes, you can use the condom for the horizontal mambo. Nah, that’s too childish. Yes, you can use the condom for fucking. Perfect!)

I grabbed one of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, ripped it open, and shoved it into my mouth, like a piece of gum.

It was the second time in my life that I shoved a condom into my mouth and chewed on it. Except this time I couldn’t win a bet for a dollar.

As I chewed it, I could taste and feel a minty gel, which tasted like a dull toothpaste. I don’t know if it was the minty gel or the fact that I was chewing on a latex condom, but I started to gag. I instantly took the condom out from my mouth, looked at its kind of cool minty green color, and then threw it away.

After that, the product reviewer in me didn’t feel fulfilled, because I felt I could do a better job of testing it.

Then I began thinking about those bastards at Consumer Reports and how they probably test condoms. I imagined they have a love lounge, with beds shaped like hearts, Barry White songs playing, bottles of chilled champagne, mirrors on the ceiling, and bowls of Viagra. It’s probably one wild gigantic orgy of lab testers.

The testers probably do it with their lab coats, goggles, and pocket protectors on and clipboards next to the heart-shaped beds, so they can write down whatever comments they have. They probably also video tape the whole thing so they can review the tape later, if they need more information.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do what I imagined Consumer Reports does, but I knew I had to do something better than just chewing on a condom. Then it finally hit me, while making my strawberry/banana smoothie.

Armed with a Trojan Mint Tingle Condom, a banana, and my heterosexuality, I tried to recreate a real world situation.

I opened another condom and tried to roll it over the banana. Unfortunately, I put it on the wrong way, which didn’t allow me to roll the condom down the banana. Following the condom box’s instructions, I had to throw the condom away or else I would risk the chance of pregnancy.

I opening another condom, checked to see if I had it turned up the right way, and then rolled it over the banana, holding the tip to prevent air from getting trapped. When I was done, I had a well protected banana (see picture).

Then I put the condom covered banana into my mouth and made like a circus seal. (Yay! Obscure Clerks reference!)

At first, I was gagging a little, but soon I was a deep throating pro. As for the minty flavor, it’s not bad once you swallow the mint jelly, which was mostly at the tip. It’s definitely way better tasting than regular latex condoms.

The mint flavor isn’t that strong or plentiful, so don’t try going down on as many guys as you can to freshen your breath. Gum and mints are easier, and it’s less Paris Hilton-ish or Veronica Loughran-ish. (Yay! Another obscure Clerks reference!)

Okay, my respect for you has increased ten fold Marvo. That was great. If only every man would deep throat a banana he would understand why grabbing the back of our heads and pushing down causes gagging. Oh, that was a TMI moment wasn’t it? Sorry bout that. Anyways, I am proud of you for tasting condoms, and for trying to get the banana off. Good job you got rid of that condom, we’d hate for you to have to stop reviewing while giving birth to illegitament fruit.

As a gay man, I must say how impressed I am that you, in your avowed heterosexuality, was willing to deep throat a banana in the name of research. Lord knows I wouldn’t be so brave to do something similar in the name of research. How would I do that anyway? You are now multitalented and if you continue to not “get any” at least you have some skills if you need to seek other options. Love the site, keep it up (so to speak) and thanks for a much needed dose of laughter!

If your mouth didn’t tingle and “nothing else” tingled, then I declare shenanigans! Would it not be false advertising to CLAIM something tingled when it did not? Perhaps it tingles if stimulated by several minutes of friction. Is there anyone on your street that you could recruit to help you “test” this product more thoroughly? Do it for science.

Marvo, since I’m in the situation as you with regards to a girlfriend (which is to say, none presently) I doubt I’ll have the opportunity to use these any time soon, but I salute you for going “above and beyond” in your quest to bring us hilarious product reviews. That being said, if I did get a girlfriend, I probably won’t bring up this review.

Hypothetical conversation: Me: “Try these. Marvo said they taste really good.” GF: “MARVO? Who the hell is that? What are you, some kind of perv?” Leaves, slams door, never to be seen again.

Nice review, I like to read about the products that people use everyday but are too ashamed/embarrassed/whatever to review them or whatnot. How are we supposed to know what brands are good and what new things are good and whats not!? You save us all.

anyways, question is, do you think the flavor of the gel would get unpleasant (even moreso?) from being a bit old? (still before condom expiration date).

And btw, i loved the strip video, very classy. If i were a woman there, at that moment in time… i’d be all over you.

marvo – can you please to try Durex Tropical Scents and Flavors series of condoms? They have banana and strawberry and orange flavors (i even spelled flavour the american way 2 times already, resisting my canuck instincts.) You’re a trooper marvo, doing things to better the human race.

hahahahahaha. i laughed my ass off when i saw that banana. thanks for the laugh i so very much needed. i agree with amy, sex product week would be fun. (though it would be a sad reminder that since my hubby is deployed i am sad and alone)

while i always find you absofuckinglutely hilarious, today really took the cake. where it took it i’m not sure. but i seriously had that trickle of pee thing that only a woman whose had a few kids can really understand thing.

i will never get the image of the banana or what i imagine you to look like with a condom in your mouth our of my head.

Chuck – Yeah, my name tends to turn off women. So if you ever have that hypothetical situation, I would suggest replacing “Marvo” with “Angelina Jolie.”

Kent – I remember the first time I saw that clip, I literally fell out of my chair from laughing so hard.

Becky – Actually, I was going to have pictures of me wearing the condoms, like old school TLC.

P057 – I’ve had these condoms for almost two months and the taste hasn’t changed, but ask me again when they expire in September 2006.

Mr Jon teh Redth of Canadia – I don’t know, I’ve already done the deep throating the banana thing. i don’t know how else I can test condoms when I’m single. We will see.

Lorien – Thank you. I try my best.

golfwidow – In a row?

Amy in GA – I don’t know about a sex week. Would I have to review the rabbit dildo?

megan – See sex week would be bad because it would remind you, me, and probably Chuck, that we’re all not getting any.

Shellubra – I was going to take a picture of me deep throating the banana, but I can only imagine the fun Photoshop users across the world would do if they they got their hands on that picture. It would be funny, but it wouldn’t be pretty.

lightpinksheep – Funny you mentioned free Durex condoms because a free Durex condom I got on campus was the first condom I shoved into my mouth and chewed.

Okay…so it’s been quite a while since I’ve checked this site…and when I do…what is the review at the top??? condoms!!! after reading…and that picture…I just have to say…we’re not so different you and me! 😉 Mwahaha! I knew you had it in ya!

I can’t believe you deep throated a banana. And by the way, haven’t you ever put a mint in your mouth and gone down on a girl? Speaking from a girl’s perspective, it rocks the fricken party. So I am imagining that the minty condom might have the same effect. Gotta go get me some (double meaning there).

HIM – If I had a girlfriend or if I was a hermaphrodite, maybe you might see a dildo review.

Rev. Dubya – Like, totally wow!

Ken – Mine wasn’t banana flavored. Blech!

Elsabeta – Thanks for sharing your experience. 🙂

The other ‘M’ – HOLY CRAP! IT’S MY GAY EVIL TWIN! See, look at all the fun you’ve been missing for these past few months. I even got rid of the hair on my legs for a review.

lakitu – You know, with all the chocolate syrup and canned whipped cream, I’ve never thought about using mints. Thanks for the tip. Future girlfriends are going to be lucky. Now I have the mint thing to compliment the tongue exercises I’ve been doing. As for the KY warming liquid, is it edible?

Wow, I salute you for deep throating that banana. Chronic tonsillitis and subsequent removal of the afflicted organs has given me SERIOUS aversion to even thinking about that. Anyway, helpful review none the less. And it’s great for doing the sensitive guy angle next time a woman is available in a been-there (kinda) done-that (kinda) sense.

Jake – About getting a girlfriend, I have a positive outlook about it, because apparently there are more women than men in the world. Also, there’s a chance that you or I may meet Tara Reid in one of her drunken moments in Vegas and end up marrying her that same night.

The comments section is closed on your site due to “4th of July”
5th is nearly turning into 6th! Where is a new review?
It’s all your fault. We have fallen prey to your excellent reviews and are now addicted!
We demand a new review!

Thank the LORD, there is a guy who knows to squeeze the air out of the tip. If I had a dollar for every guy who popped a condom by not doing that and then me having to teach them how to properly don one (despite the pictures ON THE BOX) I’d be able to buy a sub, pocky, or something else that costs less on the mainland than in Hawaii.

On the other hand, I’m not sure I’d like mint. The cola flavored condoms actually do taste like latexy-coke.

For the ladies who won’t use flavored condoms for oral activities: I have no problem with it. I’m oral and genital herpes free and until he’s willing to get tested, I’m not willing to take those risks.

It’s not typical of me to post twice on the same review, but this has got to be your most, ummm, colorful comment range of any review you’ve wrote thus far. Maybe you should deep throat all your products. 😀