How do you react in this type of scenario involving rude people?

Gold Member

Ever find yourself in a position where you're within a group of people but not very involved in the conversation because some of the others (or maybe all) do not even acknowledge that you're there?

Most people naturally try to steer clear of this type of situation but sometimes it's inevitable, I think. For example, one time my friend invited me to eat dinner with him, his brother and his brother's friend who was visiting. I only knew my friend, not the other two. The four of us went out to eat yet they almost acted like I wasn't there. My friend would very occasionally involve me in the conversation but the other two didn't at all, even when I'd give some kind of input in the conversation, not once did they reply or even look like they acknowledged what I said. There was no eye contact either. The only point I was acknowledged was at the end when we were leaving our tip, there was some mix up with the money (exchanging it within ourselfs to leave the biggest common bill as the tip) and after I realized I made a mistake (I think), the brother's friend said "Great, now we somehow have people getting more money than they put in the tip" or something like that, something really dickish and rude. I didn't have a name, I was just at the same level as every other stranger in the restaurant. Other than that and the initial hello and the goodbyes, I just wasn't there to them.

What the FUCK drives people to act that way towards people? The aforementioned story happened a while ago but the reason I made this thread is become something similar happened tonight and I was honestly thinking about doing or saying something really bold. Of course there was not much I could do in the story I told without ruining my friendship and suffering a great deal embarassment, but what happened tonight was different. It was at a party with acquaintances and other people whom I wouldn't mind being bold with. What can I say in this type of scenario anyway? Would it be really wrong to call someone out for disrespecting me like this?

Not really. Etiquette demands that we always answer rudeness with polite grace. Feel free to speak cooly and distantly when you make your apologies to everyone about that something that suddenly came up which draws you away from them before the party is over. Make your cell phone ring, feign a forgotten appointment, "Heavens! I was supposed to collect Aunt Minnie at the airport!," whatever. The key to expressing your disappointment is to be polite but say your farewell in such a manner that makes your rude companions seem to be something of an afterthought. In fact you might forget a name or two or completely mangle a name, "Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot. Bye Doris, nice--- what? Your name's Ethel? Oh. Sorry. Bye." Be sure the last part is said in the most offhanded manner possible without being outright rude. Rudeness on your part would only vindicate their opinion of you.

The greatest rebuke will be the deprivation of your witty and attractive self from their gauche affair. There is no point wasting time with bores. Leave.

there are many reasons why human beings act/react the way they do in a given situation. you, be gracious and polite, above all else. and remember first time shame on you second time shame on me. if asked, be truthful yet dignified and don't allow yourself to be put in that situation again.

I just call them out. I don't think those types of people deserve any
of my graciousness or any thought at all.
I just can't be nice to people who would treat me like shit.

Of course I am never embarassed by these people
because I'm not the one being an ass.
I know I'm in the minority here but I will not let folks
just tromp all over me and then say "Thank you ever so much"!
I don't feel bad either.:shocked:
cigarbabe:saevil:

Gold Member

the fault here lies with the friend who invited you to join him for dinner. it was his responsibility to involve you, knowing you were the "outsider" among the four guests.

rudeness is never an excuse for more of the same. follow the advise given by Jason, politely excusing yourself from the uncomfortable surroundings (in a party setting). I would add that in a dinner setting you simply endure and politely turn down future invitations.

i am curious - if this is a common occurrence is there something about yourself that may lead to this behavior?

Gold Member

It amazes me that people even behave like that.
If someone is being left out of a dinner conversation or party then I'd go out of my way to either include them or suggest that someone else includes them if they have a better knowledge or relationship with them.

However, I have found myself in similar situations, mainly in my career at meal times when at management meetings and the such like. The rest of the mgt team were males and the conversation, therefore, was very male orientated. I know of some females that went out of their way to read the sports pages just so that they could get in on the conversation, but for me that would have just been hypocritical and brown nosing cos I am not into that.

I'd just take that time to people watch and learn more about my colleagues and the way they interact with one another (and compete). That or plan what I was going to do with my weekend or how I was going to overcome some challenge or other at work. I never felt the need to compete and get in on the conversation.

VerifiedGold Member

I had a "friend" treat me in a similar way once...
He had invited me to dinner and I had more conversation with the other people there than with my good old buddy...in fact he flat out ignored me when I directly asked him a question...at that point I stood up, told everyone goodbye & walked out...

A little later, this guy had the balls to send me a text message saying how rude I was for leaving the way I did...so I let him know why I left & we exchanged a few rough words...he finally admitted that he was ignoring me on purpose & that he was sorry...turns out he was pissed about something that had NOTHING to do with me...some relationship issues or something...

so I told him in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER be put in that type of situation again...and since then I've kept this guy at arm's length...

I'd rate myself as something of a shy type though if the subject of the conversation is something I have an interest in/knowledge of I'm certainly not reticent about adding my 2p'orth to the conversation. If the conversation revolves around things I have no interest in whatever I'll contribute little rather than make small talk.

However being this way does make me empathetic with those who are in a similar situation. Last year a friend of mine was living in Austria and she brought over an Austrian friend of hers to visit the UK. Now this friend, having not seen her Brit mates for some time was understandably pleased to see them and spoke at 19 to the dozen catching up with everyone. Unfortunately this completely excluded the Austrian girl who, although she spoke good english wasn't up to this kind of rapid fire version with a bit of slang thrown in. I spoke to her in german for a little while which after a few minutes got noticed. I then pointed out that excluding her might be being a little unfair and an effort was immediately made by pretty much everyone round the table to speak at a speed and in words that allowed her to understand.

Gold Member

I would've simply gone and got more change, figured what I had put in already figured what I had to pay with a 20% tip before tax and paid that difference. Then indicate exactly that to all three and declare any surplus or shortage was theirs to determine and adjust amongst themselves. Separate bills works too. Because if there was a difference in what another ordered and was served at the table, I certainly would've made the distinction by asking them what the problem was that they wound up with the higher priced meal and additional items they ordered or whatever caused a disparity.

In this situation squaring up with people you obviously will neither ever see again nor ever go out again with, the effort must be made to pay your share, that's all you are obligated to do.

I had a friend tell me that as a group, they went to a restaurant and over the course of the evening friends of others had come and gone, leaving without squaring their bill up and leaving considerably less than what they owed, if they left anything at all. Anyway, it's embarrassing for everyone, but pay what you owe and move on with it. Handle it insistently, not angry, but just forthright for/in doing the right thing.

This happens to me often. I've been relating a story, anecdote, personal experience, incident, what-have-you, and other people in the group stop listening and carry on with their own discussion before I'm finished. I've learned to keep quiet even if I have something to say that is related to the topic at hand.

Gold Member

Get out your phone and start texting. If they call you out for rudness, say something like, "Well, I was being excluded from your conversation so I decided to have one with someone who was interested in my opinions."