Woman Claims to Have Never Been Raped by Bill Cosby

NEW YORK — In a 1500-word op-ed published in the New York Times today, Jackie Stelnick, a New York socialite and five-year acquaintance of Bill Cosby, claims to have never been sexually assaulted by the 86-year-old comedian.

“Next time I’ll grab her, like this.” — Bill Cosby.

“Despite having been in his presence at least twice over the past five years, for some reason I was never raped, molested or even drugged by Bill Cosby,” wrote Stelnick.

Multiple sources have confirmed that Stelnick is young, attractive and indeed a member of the female sex, which only makes her assertions all the more surprising.

“We’re currently in the process of contacting Mr. Cosby and his lawyers in order to corroborate Ms. Stelnick’s fantastic story, and to learn how this could have possibly happened,” said New York State’s Attorney Jim Weiss.

At press time, Stelnick had received 3 texts from Bill Cosby asking to discuss things over a glass of wine at his place.

Woman Claims to Have Never Been Raped by Bill Cosby was last modified: January 30th, 2015 by J Crock

J Crock

J Crock is a veteran newsman with over 50 years experience who doesn't understand why his serious attempts at reporting the news keep winding up on the comedy section of this publication. He spends his days imploring the editors to cease making a mockery of his craft, his nights filled with rage and one day very soon, he will have his revenge. Oh, yes… he'll have his revenge.