Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

For some reason Internet Explorer doesn’t seem to like WordPress – or it could simply be the settings on my computer. I was unable to go to other blogs and read them. There are other FTMs and MTFs who have blogs but Internet Explorer would not allow me to open them or even go to my personal settings. I have just discovered that if I go to Safari I am able to do so. I’m happy to have discovered this. Though I have real time FTM and MTF friends and have some connections via Facebook I wanted to read blogs. Sometimes I feel very alone and by connecting with other guys it feels less lonely. By nature I am a bit of a loner even though I volunteer for NYC Pride March. I am still a loner. It seems that men tend to be loners more often than women.

But, now I can read other blogs – it’s not real life connection ~ but, it’s a connection.

I had to call Callen-Lorde pharmacy for a refill on my medications. They normally find it under David Gomez with my date of birth. They couldn’t find it for some reason and the guy on the phone asked me, ‘what is your other name?’ I paused and had a tennis ball suddenly grow in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t bear to even say what my birth name was so I spelled it out.

I had to run errands so went to CVS. I was at the counter looking at items behind the counter. I have shopped there for over 15 years and everyone there knows me. One of the clerks came up to me and said, ‘may I help you, sir’. She then looked at my face and recognized me (with facial hair) and said, ‘oh, sorry, maam’

I didn’t hesitate and said, ‘no, you have it correct. I am transitioning. Sir is correct.”

She looked at me.

I stayed silent.

She opened her mouth slowly. “Are you okay?’

“Yup. I’m fine.” I smiled. “Say, those prices are the sale prices?” I pointed to the item I was looking at.

“Um…yes, yes those are correct.” She stuttered.

“Thanks.” I thanked her and turned to go.

I walked out of the store and just broke out in laughter.

My life may be difficult at times but I am so forever grateful that I am not the one who has their world turned upside down when I see something outside of my realm. It’s so much better being shocker than the shockee.

I just kept chuckling on my way home. “What? I’m supposed to move and shop somewhere else? I don’t think so. I have a rent stabilized apartment. I am going to die there.”

I’ve been shocking people my entire life.

It may as well be me.

I’m strong enough to handle it.

I have a feeling more people in my neighborhood are going to be shockees soon.

I wrote that years ago when I was on the verge of becoming a ghost; running adrift on the foundation of lies I built around myself – Grasping onto any sign of life, love, attention, validation I could receive from outside of myself – I certainly didn’t love me. How could I? I knew who I was but didn’t know how to introduce me to myself. I was terrified. Liquid courage nearly killed me. Somehow I rose up and cleared my mind of the gathering clouds destined to destroy me. I had told myself while slowly killing myself that I would die young. The curiosity of life and the need to be me outweighed my fear and I chose to rise up and not be the ghost I was for decades while living on empty dreams…..