Leaked letter shows that someone in Congress wanted the party to merge with AAP

Faking News found this unsigned document near office of the Indian National Congress, Akbar Road. It reads like a proposal to merge Congress with AAP. We cannot vouch for its authenticity and we are reproducing it. It is for readers to make a judgement about its truthfulness.

To

The President
All India Congress Committee
Indian National Congress.
24, Akbar Road, New Delhi.

This is a concept paper on merger of Indian National Congress and Aam Aadmi Party. The analysis has been done from different perspective as explained below.

Perfect Synergy in Leadership structures:

At top level, after disappearance of our visionary leader Sh. Rahul Gandhi (Hope he has not been found), there is a big void. On the other hand, AAP has a leader in Arvind Kejriwal who can fill this void as he has demonstrated all the capabilities required of a great Congress leader. He puts self before the party, likes yes-men around him, is uncomfortable with intellectuals, derides independent thinkers and would be able to fulfill Congress workers wishes for such a leader.

At the middle level, it is AAP which lacks leaders. Is it possible to run a political party with some failed journalists and out of work fixers? And they are not even lawyers! The vile sophistication, geriatric exuberance, dodgy sincerity and loyal cunningness needed to run a political party can only be found in Congress.

The grand old party might be swept away

Common Principles & Ideology:

If leadership structures were best fit, this aspect is even better. AAP never had any ideology or principles and Congress had them so long back and hardly anyone knows or remembers what they were. While some dreamers did get attracted by perceived honesty of AAP just like some unsuspecting souls still believe in the secularism of Congress, but fortunately such people are becoming rare day by day.

Barring these exceptions, it is generally believed that both the parties are ideology free. Imagine the freedom from the baggage of ideology or principles, one can run with the hare in the morning, hunt with the hound in the afternoon, claim both to be Sanghi in the evening and be sanctimonious about immorality of hunting during Arnab’s show!

Merger would be a multiplier for the brand message & image:

Congress’ tagline of ‘Garibi Hatao’ when combined with ‘Free Wifi’ of AAP evokes an image of a well fed stand up comedian, relaxing on a couch, eating banana chips and tweeting about actresses’ butt. This imagery is age agnostic, vote accretive, and may keep EVMs ringing for decades to come.

Sacrifices have been the most potent brand message for Congress for decades, We have many in the self actualization category which are about sacrificing life for the country as well some below poverty line category like eating in Dalit huts. Agencies have been advising us that the portfolio of sacrifices is incomplete as middle class is unable to relate to existing ones. This is where AAP comes in with its middle class sacrifices of sleeping on the road, driving a WagonR, tweeting while passing poop on a toilet seat etc. Suddenly, the brand message becomes complete, comprehensive and appealing.

Scam grade would improve:

For decades, Congress’ scam level has been around 80% (Scam level, as we know is the propensity to indulge in corruption, in percentage.) which translates to the ‘impossibly corrupt’ grade.

Our attempts to break into the ‘utterly corrupt’ grade (or 60 to 70% scam level) have been foiled by external developments since 2011. On the other hand the same metric for AAP it is around 10%, (Impossibly honest grade), much lower than the average, but is likely to move into the ‘rumoured to be corrupt’ grade (around 30%) shortly.

The good news is that Post merger, the scam level is expected to be around 40 to 45% and the new grade for the combined entity would be ‘uncaught corrupt’ which would be a good and balanced level. Any level below this would not achieve business objectives and anything higher than this would not go well with voter perception.

Shared culture means integration would be easy:

In both the organizations the workers (called volunteers in AAP) have been led to believe that they are the party and leadership is only first among equals. And in both the organizations, they have actually believed it! Consequently, there would be no culture shock when the merger takes place.

and Lastly, Family stake need not be diluted:

Arvind Kejriwal would need to do a Feroz. He would need to be adopted by another Gandhi; Sonia Gandhi this time. And as history repeats itself, everyone would be happy. The Family would continue working for the country, removing poverty, eliminating corruption, nurturing democracy, promoting equality, spreading secular values and building India as it has been doing for last seven decades.