He Said/She Said: When Fakin’ It is the Only Option

Lauren - University of Michigan

I’ve only gotten in two fights with my roommate since the day we were blindly assigned to one another the summer before our freshman year. The first was about Dr. Green on ER and how he died. I’m not proud to say, it ended with me throwing a remote before storming out of the room and slamming the door. Also, she was right.

The second, and more recent, was about faking an orgasm. The conversation started with a debate and subsequent Google search about whether or not a guy can fake it (he can, which we’ll get to), and turned in to her scolding me as I tried to list of the many reasons why I think faking it is totally acceptable in certain situations.

“You’re ruining it for the next girl!” she screamed as she paced the room. (Seriously, she was taking it so personally, you’d have thunk she got my tainted sloppy seconds or something.)

And I know that; it’s not like I hadn’t heard that argument before. I’ve also heard “he wants to please you, so tell him how,” and “every girl is different so you have to show him what you like.” Hell, my human sexuality teacher even chimed in once with, “you gotta speak up when you want something…especially when that something is an orgasm.” Yeah, that’s awkward in a 9 a.m. lecture.

The point is, I get it. You shouldn’t fake it. It’s bad to fake it. It’s rude to fake it.
But the truth is, there’s an exception to every rule. And in the case of fakin’ a big O, there are three.

1. It’s a random hook up.
When it’s a one night engagement between two people who know nothing about each other beyond how many drinks it takes to get the other naked, there’s no use in wasting time with a map and Power Point presentation of your erogenous zones. So you throw your bra and his jeans across the room and hope for the best. And when it’s actually the worst, well, you fake it, let him fall asleep, and kick him out/grab your things and run home before there’s the slightest chance for another round in the morning.

2. It needs to end. Like, yesterday.It’s sad but all too true: some guys have no effing clue what they’re doing in the bedroom. No joke, it’s like they learned their moves from the power tools as Home Depot. And it’s awful, mind boggling and sometimes even downright painful. You could stop them, explain why jackhammering you with this look on their face is bad, and give it another go…..or you could fake it, wait until they’re not in the deep throes of “passion” (if that’s what they call it) and find a more opportune moment to give them a much needed lesson on pleasuring a lady.

3. He’s a sensitive little bugger.
Maybe it’s because I take constructive criticism really personally, but I have a really hard time critiquing others, whether it’s my family dog who pees on the carpet (“it’s OK, Sophie; I can see how you mistook the gray carpet for grass”) or a boyfriend in a most intimate moment (“No, it’s totally fine when you’re done after 15 seconds!”). I just can’t stand the thought of making him feel bad when he’s clearly trying so hard. And, yeah, maybe it only delays the inevitable, but I’d rather give him the big confidence boost of putting a smile on my face with a little fake yelp, than have to tell him that no one likes it when a guy licks inside their belly button. Call me a pussy, but I just don’t want to risk an awkward crying moment.

Look, I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this – and many will do so vehemently – but I also know that 70% of women have reported faking an orgasm, which means that there are lots of ladies out there who have their own reasons for flexing their bedroom acting muscles.