Wednesday, November 6, 2013

not my usual warm and fuzzy, i'm ok if you skip this one.

i need to stop punishing myself. i am not now, nor will i ever be a 90lb model. and honestly, nor do i want to. speaking simply from an aesthetic perspective, it's gross. speaking from a health perspective it's a death sentence. i'm a full grown woman, with hips and curves. my body has carried me almost 40 years. it has been my only constant friend, and only sometimes enemy. it has felt love and ecstasy, born children, attempted to feed them, and only in that has it ever truly been a disappointment. but being the size that i am isn't healthy either. neither extreme is good. and i'll be the first to admit. i love food. food is awesome. especially bread. home made bread is the bomb diggidy. i have two loaves cooling on the oven right now, and i can say with almost 100% certainty that if left to my own devices, i will eat an entire loaf. especially since i made sage rosemary butter. but i digress. and it's not like i don't like myself. i love me. i'm amazing. lack of ego is not an issue here. i'll be the first to admit, i'm narcissistic. but common, you've met me, wouldn't you be narcissistic if you were me?? honestly.

but even i get all bogged down with the images of fitness. the six pack abs, the mountain biceps. the things that i will NEVER have time to obtain. there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it. i am a wife, a mother, a human worker. i cook and clean and work and am present with my children and husband. to do any more is.... unobtainable. because i cannot and will not NOT cook and clean and work and i will ABSOLUTLY NOT EVER NOT be present with my husband and children. they are more important to me than... well, me. as amazing as i am, they are more amazing to me. but the images don't stop. every magazine, every television show, every billboard.... images that the food company, the fitness industry, the clothing industry want to remind me that i'm not enough. i'm not thin enough. my hair isn't bouncy enough. my skin isn't clear enough. i am not enough.

i.

am.

not.

enough.

but...

it only works if i let it. this constant shrapnel of messages telling me how much i suck, only works when i allow it to. "no one can make you feel bad without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt. i like that quote. because it reminds me that i have the power to decide to let someone else hurt me. or not. and i'm choosing not. i can't stop the images from being out there. but i can stop me reacting to them by feeling bad. i choose to not feel bad. and i know it's not going to be a switch i flip and suddenly they don't bother me anymore. they will. they probably always will. but i just have to keep reminding myself that i am enough. i am mother enough, and wife enough, and ME enough. i am enough.