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When Sibling Rivalry Crosses the Line into Abuse

Sibling
rivalry is so common and universal that most parents learn to tune it out,
or at least live with it. Normal sibling rivalry is one way kids learn to
negotiate relationships in the world. It teaches them how to act appropriately,
what’s effective, what’s harmful, what will turn others away from them.

But sometimes,
the rivalry becomes dangerous to a child. When this happens, parents may not
want to admit to themselves that something more serious than common rivalry
is occurring. They may overlook or ignore the sense that something’s wrong.
Or perhaps parents are so overwhelmed with things going on in their own lives—demanding
work schedules, divorce, financial difficulties or other problems—that they’re
not tuned in to the fact that a child is in danger and needs protection.

Children
who are the victims of abusive siblings are helpless. They need parents to
step in and control the situation. Otherwise, the abuse can create lifelong
scars that may be difficult to heal. Parents need to be aware of the signs
of sibling abuse and then take steps to address it.

The
signs of sibling abuse

Most kids
will argue and bicker. They may push and shove occasionally, or even slap
each other now and then. When these things happened occasionally, it’s normal.
When you begin to notice a pattern of constant tormenting, that’s when it’s
time to put a stop to it. The following signs indicate that rivalry has crossed
the line into abuse:

Children
who are victimized by a sister or brother often exhibit the following behavior:

Screaming
and crying

Keeping
themselves separate from the abusive sibling

Changes
in behavior, sleep patterns or eating habits

Nightmares

Turning
around and abusing a sibling who’s younger than they are

Telling
their parents

Fighting
back

Taking
the abusive messages to heart; that is, beginning to believe they deserve
the abuse. When a sibling repeatedly says, “You’re fat, dumb and ugly,”
that message begins to sound like the truth to the victim.

Many adult
survivors of sibling abuse go on to suffer from low self-esteem. They may
have difficulty in relationships. They may continue to harbor anger towards
the abusive sibling years after the abuse has stopped. That’s why parents
need to step in and take control of any abuse that’s occurring.

Steps
to take when sibling abuse is present

It’s important
not to sit back and take a passive role when you know that abuse is occurring
in your household. Parents need to make sure kids feel a sense of fairness
in the family.Children place great importance on justice. As a parent, one of your
roles is to do your best to make things fair and just in the family. Some
of the ways you can do that include:

►Don’t ignore constant, obvious victimization. In other words, if
one child is always the victim of the other child, you need to correct that
imbalance as soon as possible. Listen to a child who’s feeling abused. The
worst thing to do is ignore a child who’s asking for your protection. When
you do that, you’re sending a message that the child’s needs aren’t important
or worth attending to.

►Create rules and boundaries about privacy and possessions. In order
to protect a child suffering from abuse by a sibling, you may need to put
locks on the child’s bedroom door. If a sibling is continuously breaking the
other’s possessions, enforce rules about respecting others’ property.

►Create consequences for abusive behavior, and be consistent about enforcing
them. Include the abusive child in discussions about what the consequences
should be and what the appropriate behaviors should be. A child who has that
kind of input will be more likely to comply.

►Model appropriate behavior yourself. How do you act with your spouse?
With your children? If parents behave respectfully towards other family members,
their children are more likely to behave that way as well.

►Monitor what your children watch on television and DVDs. If children
are exposed to a lot of violence, they may be more inclined to act violent
themselves.

►Praise your children when their behavior is appropriate. This is
almost as important as correcting inappropriate behavior. Children crave your
praise and approval. When they do something right, it’s important that you
let them know how much you appreciate it and that you expect more of that
from them.

►Consider talking with a family therapist if things remain out of control.
A therapist can look at your situation objectively and suggest practical
steps you can take to stop the abuse. Additionally, the therapist has the
training to understand why a sibling is being abusive and is likely to be
able to get to the root of the problem.

Listen
to your instincts. If you’re paying attention and you’re in tune with your
family’s activities, you’ll know when the actions of one of your children
are inappropriate and dangerous. And remember, when you protect the child
who’s being victimized, you’re not only helping that one child. You’re helping
the abusive child as well. An abusive child who receives no correction is
more likely to become an abusive adult.

Source:Iowa State University Extension; The New York Times, “Beyond Rivalry, a Hidden World of Sibling Violence, 28 February 2006; Sibling Abuse Survivors Information and Advocacy Network; Wiehe, V. What Parents Need to Know About Sibling Abuse. Bonneville Books, 2002.