We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I have never been a very sexual person so have never really masturbated. However when I purchased myself a Rabbit this changed. From time to time I will use it and can have an orgasm, if not several, when I use it. I prefer to use my vibrator as I have only come once when I used my hands, it never feels anywhere near as good as my vibrator — as if when I use my hands there is no sensation there, and my wrist gets sore quickly. Technology rules on this one!

However, I really want to come when my boyfriend gives me oral or uses his hands on me (I have never had an orgasm through intercourse, don’t even feel close). When he uses his hands the feeling is different to when I use my hands, it feels like it is doing something, same when he goes down on me. The only thing is, it feels so different to when I orgasm with my vibrator. It is very intense and almost unbearable at times, so I end up stopping him as it feels too intense.

All in all, I would appreciate any kind of advice because I love my boyfriend very much and want to enjoy my sex life more.

Say Something

I’d suggest that you get him to focus only on your outer and inner labia, not the clitoris itself. Then – and only then – if you get a dramatic urge for him to go to town on your clit, let him know. Sometimes when tongues are too intense for me I prefer to be bitten and kissed firmly – sounds odd but it can work.

And enjoy the fact that it will take him a lot of time and exploration to make you come through oral, if at all – that’s why it’s such a lovely treat! (Took me a long while to realise that one.) He should realise that too, and be fully up for it – the point is to completely indulge you for the forty minutes or so that it might take; and if he wants to vary his technique or take breaks so that he doesn’t get lockjaw, that’s fine!

Of course he can just go down on you for a short while, but neither of you should expect that you’re going to come, you should just enjoy the sensations.

I think I’ve got too main pieces of advice, one very old, the other relatively recent.

First was from a woman in roughly your shoes who said realizing it had taken her 14 years to learn how to give herself an orgasm made it a lot easier to understand how it might take a while for a partner to learn how to do it for her. (Note: nobody seems to talk about this but it also often takes weeks or even months for boys to learn how to have orgasms from masturbation as well.)

The trick and/or problem is that when we first start out we find one specific way that sort of works, and because it feels nice and we get immediate feedback we typically just keep narrowing in on that one thing that sorta-kinda works… until it finally does! The tricky part is figuring out how to widen things back out enough to get other methods, let alone other people, to do the same. And the tricky part of that is at first it’s always easier, faster, and better-feeling to go back to your old way. The good news is once you do figure out more than one way to do it additional ways… er… come a lot more easily.

So that’s the old advice.

The new advice is that men generally need a lot more pressure to start up that orgasmic pathway than women do. And so even though we “know” women need less pressure we still don’t tend to get how much less. And so as with your boyfriend it sounds like he’s still drilling you pretty hard. He doesn’t mean to. He doesn’t even want to!

Similarly, women tend to use the kind of pressure on their male partners that they prefer for themselves. Even when you “know” he needs more pressure. With the result that even though it feels very nice we might not come before, say, your hand or mouth gets tired.

Anyway, a great way to avoid hard feelings about technique (both men and women can be pretty sensitive about this) tell him you read about this idea, that it makes sense to you, and that would he like to experiment together.