Such was my odd position and perspective on the MTV Movie Awards. For the second year in a row, I was backstage for the entirety of the show, roaming what we call "the patio," where the pretty people laugh, drink, smoke and possibly hook up so that their children — even prettier people — can show up at awards shows 20 years hence.

While I'm bummed I missed another memorable show (home recording device, don't fail me now!), I wouldn't trade my gig for a front-row seat to the big show, not with the stuff I got to see. So here you go, the backstage stuff nobody saw.

Live Television Is Stressful ... but Awesome

Hopefully you guys caught our red-carpet pre-show. And hopefully if you did, it looked like a relatively smooth if loose affair. Well, let me pull the curtain back just a bit. Live red-carpet shows are insane. Don't get me wrong: We had the greatest team in the business producing our show, but we didn't have a psychic who could predict that the guest we were supposed to open the show with would be MIA. Or that certain interviews would go on twice as long as scheduled. Or ... well, a lot of things. Suffice to say when I took the "winner's walk" off the main stage during one of my live bits, I wasn't sure if I would find anyone waiting to interview let alone Julianne Hough, much less Julianne and her little nephew Aidan. That smile I had when I saw her? That, my friends, was relief.

Wahlberg Heckles Too

By now you've no doubt heard (or saw) that there was a heckler who directed some choice words towards the lovely Mila Kunis at the beginning of the show. And from what I gather, her "Ted" co-star Mark Wahlberg came to her defense (remember, I still haven't seen the show). Well, just minutes before, just as I was seconds from going live on the patio with Emma Watson, I heard my name being screamed from afar. I looked up and there he was, Marky Mark, giving me crap while I tried to look like I was composed. Bastard.

Size Matters

I don't know why this surprises me but Michael Fassbender is having a ball. If you were one of the most acclaimed actors of your generation and the size of your penis was marveled at by the world, I guess you'd be in a good mood too. Backstage the big man (talking about his acting ability here, of course) was holding court. Every time I turned around, he was hugging another actor (Charlize Theron, Russell Brand, Rob Riggle?!?), looking like he was having the time of his life.

Russell Brand and I Are Having a Baby

My relationship with Russell Brand is complicated. He likes to touch me. Everywhere. And often. I knew as soon as Russell signed on to host the Movie Awards that I'd be touched inappropriately at some point. He saved it all for the end. As he walked off the stage at the conclusion of the show, kissing and high-fiving people left and right, Russell embraced me with all of his might and then — I will say this in the hopes that it relieves me of years of therapy — he repeatedly pushed his pelvis into mine in a rhythmic motion one usually reserves for a significant other. Billy Crystal didn't do that to Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars. He didn't, right?