Penn Satire, Since 1899

Titanic with Ayn Rand

What would happen if Ayn Rand were in the greatest love story ever told? Edward Lando finds out.

______

Ayn sees something in the water.

AYN

What’s that?

Jack sees what she is pointing to, and they make for it together. It is a piece of wooden debris. He pushes Ayn up and she slithers on to it. When Jack tries to get up as well, it tilts and submerges, almost dumping Ayn off. It seems that two on the plank will be a crowded party.

Their breaths fog around them as they pant from exhaustion. Their spare body heat steams away.

A man swims towards them, evidently coveting the piece of debris.

JACK

It’s just enough for my lady. You’ll push it under. Sorry.

MAN

Let me try at least, or I’ll die.

JACK

If it could hold two I’d be up there. You’re second in line.

MAN

You’re right. How emotional of me.

They all laugh.

I’m ashamed. I’m so sorry.

AYN

It’s fine. Most people do have feelings after all.

MAN

It seems to be so. I must ask, in spite of my embarrassment: can I really not escape my gelid doom by sharing this wooden plank with you?

AYN

That doesn’t seem reasonable now in light of the facts, does it?

JACK

You’ll just die sooner (in light of me).

MAN

Oh well. That is reasonable.

Shivers, swims and sinks away.

JACK

I love you Ayn.

He takes her hand.

AYN

I know.

She lets go.

You’ll get me cold.

I’m so cold.

JACK

Right.

Ayn, could I maybe try once more?

AYN

Try what?

JACK

Try saving my life by getting on the plank with you. We do love each other after all. Convention has it that you should care enough to take that risk.

Ayn taps her icy blue fingers, pondering. Jack patiently waits.

AYN

I see your point. My counterargument, which I think you’ll find most sound, is that we’ve only known each other for three days. If you do join me on this fragile shred of wood, even if you do survive, it is very likely we will end up breaking up, in light of potential long-term personality mismatch and certain societal mismatch. Hence, a slim, though possible chance at true bliss in exchange for a strong increase in the possibility of my death is not a rational decision. It is good old pathetic, irrational, weak emotion. Love.

JACK

Ayn, my love, my lovely rational love, if there is one thing I am sure of is that you are going to make it. You must trust that I’ll never get in the way of your survival, for I care about you more than I care about myself at this time. Love.

AYN

You’re right Jack. I think you’re right because you’re taking the right decision for me, though I must admit you may not be right on absolute terms since you have fallen prone to mawkish reveries.

Yes, I’m going to get out of this. I’m going to go on and make babies and watch them grow and die an old lady, warm in my bed. Not here. Not with you. That wouldn’t be reasonable.

JACK

Silence. Just the lapping of the water for a minute.

You’re right. That wouldn’t be.

He shoves her off the board and jumps on. Ayn agonizes in shock for a few seconds but quickly stops struggling. She weakly clings to the raft and reaches for Jack’s hand. He takes it one last time.

AYN

Oh. You’ve seen it. The truth. How right you are. How strong, how reasonable of you to use your strength.