Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Following uponmylastpost, I cansaythatthere's noway I'd let H livewithhernaturalfather. No, itwould not be the best thing forher...forallsortsofreasons. She'd feellike I gaveuponher, she'd feellikeanoutsidermovingintoherDad's "re-made" family, andultimately, itwouldabsolutelybreakmyhearttobeapartfrommychild. Like a pieceofmefloatingoutintheunknown, afraidandhurt, andfeelingabandonedbytheonepersonwho'd beentheconstantfactorinherlife. Itwillneverhappen, and I'm ashamed for even thinking of it.

Thatsaid, afterourincidentlastweek, I talkedwith a neighbor, whohappenstobe a counseloratouruniversity, andheofferedsomeextremelyhelpfulinsightintooursituation. Hegavesoundadvicefor a two-prongapproachtohelping H devlelopaninternalmotivationformakingthechangesthatareneededforbothheracademicsuccessandheremotionaldevelopment (nottomentionherrelationshipwithme). Thefirststepistoestablishoneof her schoolcounselorsas H's "Coach"...kindoflike a lifecoach, exceptthiswillbetokeepherontherightacademicpath. Thismightincludehavingherstayafterschoolforthestudysessionsthatareoffered 3 times a week, ratherthanhavingmehelpherwithhomework. Thesecondstepistogetherintocounselingwithsomeonewhoworkswithkids. Wehave a personinDohawhohasmanyyearsofexperience (intheUSandhere), andwe'vemetherbefore. I likeher a greatdeal, and I thinkshecouldhave a lottoofferHannah.

It's a finelinethat I'm walkingbetweenwantingdesperatelytohelpHannahstayorganized, besuccessfulinheracademicwork, maintainhealthyfriendships, andprotectherfromthenastybulliesthatliveinourcompoundandmaketheirroundsatherschoolANDresentingthefactthat I feellikemyex-husbandisgettingoutofallthisshitscot-free! He doesn't have to fight, argue, negotiate, and battle with Hannah over homework, clothes, time on the TV, her attitude, etc. He's living the farm life on the fucking Ponderosa, and I'm left with the hard ass work that is parenting a child (one with ADHD at that)! WhileHubbyiswonderfulaboutbeing a co-parent, whenitcomestoHannah, sheveryoftenwillonly "deal" withme. Sheprefersmetohelpherwithhomework, shelookstomeforthe "finalword" onhouserules, andit's methatshepushestotheedgewithherbacktalkandattitude. It's a dynamicbetweenherand I that, I'm afraid, willturnintosomethingtoxicoverthenextcoupleyears. Evenmoreimportantly, I'm terrifiedofthedecisionsshemightmakeas a resultofthatdynamic.

Attheendoftheday, I'm doingthebest I can, but I alwaysfeellikeit's neverenough.

4 comments:

You're not going crazy. You're not. Also, for what it's worth, I don't think you have any reason to feel ashamed for wondering if H would be better off with her biological father. I think having H do her homework with someone other than you is a great idea.

As for Hubby, I thought something as I read this. I'm not sure you're angry with him as much as you're angry with H and with yourself. I've seen him interact with H, and I know how much they love each other. But I also know that H has found it hard to see him as an authority figure (not from anything I've witnessed, but from things you've said). Is it possible that you've wanted to protect the feelings H has for Hubby, so rather than encourage her to "deal" with him you've taken on all the "dirty" work? H will, after all, always love you b/c your her mother and you've always been there for her. Hubby is fairly new on the scene--at least in the last few years. While he's a great dad, H could easily accuse him of being mean or whatever since he's "not her father."

I'm sorry if I've overstepped some boundaries in our friendship. This is how my sister felt with her second husband, and her desire to protect the relationship her kids have with their stepdad has done some serious harm to their marriage as she now feels very much like what you described--like she's in it alone even though she has a partner.

Hang in there. It will get better. And doing the best is all we can do, and I have to believe it is enough.

M: I think you're really onto something. Sometimes I'm conscious of "protecting" H from sticky dealings with Hubby, and sometimes I think I do it without even realizing it. It's definitely an issue I need to work on: letting him the a parent to her and, hopefully, showing her that he has just as much responsibility and authority as I do. It's so very hard, though, because of my own baggage and history with my father, who was verbally and emotionally abusive.

AcadeMama, I am so sorry to tell you this, but I was Hannah to my Mother, and I didn't even have the excuse of ADHD. It started around ten, and it was probably those hormones starting to wreak havok in my life, but I was a roller coaster and I created drama for everyone around me. It took me forever to even out. By the grace of God, my Mother put up with me. I turned out OK. Eventually. (sigh of relief)

I love the idea of her having a coach at school. Any other adults you can bring in to dilute your having to deal with all this alone? A study-buddy neighbor? Someone willing to take her on special shopping trips or something?

My bet is she is really, really smart; they can make the most difficult kids. And I wonder what you were like at her age ?

I'm a thirty-something, recently-minted humanities PhD and mother of three blogging about everything from motherhood and family to the academic job market and living as a Southern transplant in New England.

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About Me

I'm an academic and a mama. Placing one title in front of the other does not indicate a privileged status. I read and write, and I (along with Hubby) raise three daughters. I teach literature, writing, and film, specializing in literature and culture of the British Restoration and 18th century. I hope to be an English professor when I grow up.