Saturday, August 15, 2009

Big Girls Don't Cry

(Sung by Fergie...I admit, tonight this is not a random choice of song.)

Ah Saturday night, I had nothing planned. Just finished painting my kitchen (classic berry and lovely, may I add), and my plans consisted of straightening up and watching DVRed programs on television. My prospects brightened when an old friend emailed, "Dinner and drinks" at a local favorite. Yay! This friend always makes me laugh and it's a guarantee of a fun night when we get together. I wasn't sure how many would attend this impromptu gathering, but getting out felt good. Turns out there were only three of us, although to listen to us, we sounded as loud as a gaggle of geese! Giggling and harumphing at each other's stories and tales of whatever. Somehow we kept returning to the topic of reunions. Mine (high school) is this November. My friend had her reunion a couple of years ago. She was telling story after story about people she didn't remember and silly mistakes people were making about her. Also about how it felt to go to a reunion alone and the stupid things people say when you are alone: "Are you married? Engaged? Dating?" No. "Why not?" DUMB QUESTION...she was saying she wanted to respond, "Because I'm a loser!?! I don't know why." Hahahaha, the laughter continued...until she said, "I brought my camera and only took pictures of the people who got fat." There was a barely noticeable hesitation in her story, but she continued. She showed the pictures to her family and they laughed about who "got fat".

She took pictures of the people who got fat and ONLY those people and LAUGHED at them.

She told me this. Guess what? I'm fat. Oh, you can call it heavy, chubby, overweight...whatever you call it...it's me. I don't like it. I'm trying to lose weight. Trying and failing. Wishing I was thin. I don't know anyone who likes to be overweight. I feel bad, physically and emotionally. The weight came on when my dad got sick and passed away. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason. Weight has protected me. It shielded me from life and pain. No one looks at me when I'm fat. People leave me alone and look away. Unfortunately, it takes awhile to get rid of it. I will. I know I will. I work so hard to believe that I am beautiful at any weight (although I don't think I fully accept myself now, at this weight.) But now I wonder, this November at the high school reunion, who will be taking pictures of me and laughing at the fat girl?