GET BURIED IN THE SWAMP

The University of Florida is undertaking measures that would allow fans of their beloved football Gators to be buried at Florida Field, colloquially known as “The Swamp.” In other news, I just used a five-syllable word.

The university wants to build what’s called a columbarium – a structure with niches for the ashes of alumni – but there’s a catch. Without the blessing of state lawmakers, the idea itself is dead [Badum-bum! –Ed.]. A bill that would keep the project alive goes to its first committee Wednesday.

“We feel like it would be meeting a need. I can’t tell you how many people call,” said Katie Marquis, the university’s alumni association director of membership and marketing.

The state bill is necessary to circumvent the current Florida minimum of 30 acres for such a final resting place. They should also pass a law that would make it legal to incinerate Florida fans before they actually die. Those people rape my sensibilites with their mere presence. Yes, I have sensibilities, and yes, they do get flirty after a few drinks. But that does not give you the right!