Spoof news stories from Friday 21 September 2012

The Florida Postal Service has made an unusual request of their local patronage- to stop running into their Post Offices with their autos (see Yahoo News). There have recently been eight crashes supposedly due to 'old timers' tapping the gas pedal in...

Scientists at Madeup University have made a discovery which is sure to dumbfound the whole of mankind.
Their discovery? Well I gave that away in the headline. In case you missed it, here it is again.
Michael Winner is almost entirely human.

Amateur astronomer Nils Snowberry explained how he has been trying to observe the ringed planet "when it wasn't aware he was looking."
Snowberry said he could swear that the ring structure shifts in angle when he takes too long to set up his te...

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney arranged another quickie press conference in the hopes to clear the air about his past.
"It's come to my attention that the Blame-media hasn't done it's research and is letting some creep get away with an outrageo...

An internet troll who called Olympic diver Tom Daley "gay" has been spared prison. The Troll, who gave his address as "under the bridge", said the comments had been born out of frustration. That and banging his fat fingers on the keyboard. His lawyer...

Dear Constituents
I had a most hectic and sleepless night last night which I need to tell you about before I proceed with describing the strike that I tried to organize at Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home.
I attribute my bad dream to the hallucinatory effects of the large quantity of sherry I'd drunk the night before.
I am normally OK after gin and tonic, whisky, beer, wine, brandy and cop...

The Office of Square Trading, the government body overseeing the sale of all rectangular shapes, has been investigating the illegal sale of squares.
"There is a massive black-market trade in squares, oblongs and rectangles," said Rex Tangle, chair...

The Governments Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell today faced calls for his resignation after a four letter strewn rant with police at Downing Street. The argument started when an officer told Mr Mitchell to use the rear entrance. This angered Mr Mitchell a...

"Forevermore," quoth the NFL official. No, Edgar Allen Poe has not been resurrected from the "Tomb of Ligeia" to work for Roger Goodell.
There is no balm in Gilead, nor even in Foxboro. So, fans should not expect any relief from or for the replace...

Police in Edinburgh have launched an investigation after a local dog was threatened with a doner kebab.
The incident happened in the early hours of Wednesday morning in the Leith area of the city.
The dog, Scamp, an executive with Woof Woof Com...

Since John Henry relies so heavily on the statistical deviations of metrics and Celsius fan Bill James, we have been unable to make senses of the Red Sox.
Senses are for fans, not insider experts. However, when your three-way ANOVA (analysis of va...

Yale Professor of Ancient Religions, Salvatore Crocifisso, disputes the translation of the newly-discovered Coptic text claiming that Jesus had a wife. The professor made his announcement yesterday at the Yale University's Student Union and Car Wash...

Our fantasy Red Sox team is hitting its stride as the season caves in over our heads. For fifteen years our Red Sox team has provided us with consistent winning teams. We feel complacent and spoiled.
We checked our roster-and Kevin Youkilis is alw...

David Cameron was appalled last night to discover a leek in Number 10 Downing Street.
The leek was discovered in the kitchens of the Prime Minister's home.
"This is a travesty," said kitchen manager, Glen Williams. "I do not know how such a thi...

The Western Australian Revolutionary Party (WARP) is considering expanding its influence into the US and UK political arenas to be become a true global force.
Party Leader george Fripley said 'We are particularly keen on appealing to the right-th...

As there appear to ber elections in the wind all over the world, in particualr the good 'ol USA, I thought I'd pass on some useful information on election jargon.
Frank de Nighle III, a little known but well respected commentator on electioneering, has provided the following advice on election jargon. Frank advises that you should look out from some key words and phrases when other politicians...

Washington DC: The US Office of the Attorney General (AG) is to defend against a request by an environmental group to have the National Marine Fisheries Service (NMFS) place the ringed seal and the bearded seal on the endangered species list (ESL).