Tuesday, 21 August 2007

What next for today's superstars?

In the light of 'Frank TV', Mr Frank Lampard's attempts to show to the world what a normal guy he is (meeting Ronaldinho at the World Player of the Year Awards, for example) I got to wondering what more can we expect from football's heroes?**************Happy Slapping with Joey Barton - join Joey weekly for training ground attacks, all filmed on a mobile phone and uploaded to YouTube. Special guest stars include OusameDabo and a Cuban cigar. A spin off show is rumoured to be in the offing - how to win the World Cup and write an autobiography afterwards.

Injury Room with Kieron Dyer - watch vigorous massages on Kieron as he describes his horrible life. Marvel as he injures himself in the home and at the training ground in ever more inventive ways. Watch chauffeur-driven trips to the north to meet Louis Saha & Michael Owen.

Cardiff Nights with Craig Bellamy - join the cheeky Welshman as he hits the town in a big way. Watch him putt (sic) away a few drinks and insult people every chance he gets.

Badge Kissing by Frank Lampard & Wayne Rooney - Wayne shows us his context-dependent T-shirts (one a blue always a blue, once a red always a red, once a c....) and Frank shows us how to point to the crowd and various ways to profess your love for your club, included delaying for a year before signing your world record contract.

Zen & the Art of the Tackle - Paul Scholes explains the diamond formation and the secret to his tough tackling success. Juan Veron makes a brief, forgettable appearance but is later cut from the show for crowding Paul's style.

You You You by Steven Gerrard. Stevie explains his love affair with known Lothario Andy Gray and explains how he's just another cog in the football machine. Bonus features - Gerrard argues with the director about sitting on camera right.

Which Car? with West Ham - the lads advise on which Bentley to buy, who has the coolest personalised number plate and how to report crimes such as speeding offenses at the local police station.

Shopping with Roy Keane - Roy shows us the delights of Sunderland's Tesco, Asda & B&Q. Credibilty is affected when he pays £5.5m for damaged goods.

**************Well, at the very least, the awards ceremony will be good.Can you think of any more?