Slate Writer Really Needs You To Know He's A Ninny

Over at amateur webzine Slate, a writer frets about "ultrarealistic" Nerf dart guns, and what impact these "ultrarealistic" toys might have on an impressionable young mind.

I mean, could such "ultrarealistic" firearm simulacra encourage a child to commit murder?

Pictured: An "ultrarealistic" Nerf assault weapon replica

I know what you're sayin'. You're sayin', "Ace, you confounded bonehead! You accidentally posted a picture of a Hecker & Koch MP5 when you meant to post a picture of a Nerf toy that shoots foam darts!"

But no, your eyes deceive you -- the brightly-colored daffodil-yellow low-impact-plastic object above is actually not a genuine automatic weapon at all, but rather an "ultrarealistic" Nerf version of same!!!

You have been bewildered by a stunningly-accurate copy.

Look carefully, my friends: Those are not Smith & Wesson .40 FMJ rounds beside the weapon. Those are actually carefully-disguised pink foam slugs which could nearly bruise a marshmallow.

And notice the cheap, painted-on silver flair, which are intended to look like widgets and doodads on a space laser, which of course are factory-standard on all genuine MP-5s.

Now, even though you were primed to look out for close simulations of a carbine, you actually were misled into thinking this virtual duplicate was actually a Machine of Death.

What hope would a policeman on a dark night have to tell the genuine article from its crafty counterfeit?

Now: What if a child were armed with this mirror-image War Toy, and were further dressed in the ultrarealistic criminal costumes available due to today's technology?

Ah. You finally begin to understand the scope of the problem. Children could be killed, and/or play with a Nerf gun.