Olympics

Work Out Like an Olympian

BOXING

Of all of the workouts I tried, this one was my favorite, and the one I am going to continue. And it was the one I was most reluctant to try in the first place! I went to __will__space off of West 10th Street in Manhattan’s West Village, where they specialize in Mui Tai, a combination of boxing and kicking, or as we call it in America, kickboxing. Boxing is one of the few sports that I actually don’t watch, and even though I was really good at Mortal Kombat 2 when I was 12, actual fighting was also never one of my strengths. So I was intimidated to start this workout. My teacher was named Little Mike. (Twist: he is not little. At all.) He set right out making me feel comfortable—despite his giant frame, he was actually a total teddy bear. A teddy bear that could kick the living shit out of anyone. (By the way “little” Mike Medreno will be headlining in Atlantic City on September 12) We started off with a series of moves named after animals: the scorpion, the bear, the bullfrog, and the seated gorilla. Don’t know the animals yet? Trust me, they are bitches and you will be exhausted before you even start your boxing/kicking combos. For the seated gorilla, for example, you must crab-walk across the floor using only your fists and your ass—your feet can’t touch the ground. Sound hard? The floor is harder. Once those were done, I learned how to perform some offensive and defensive moves, with Little Mike reminding me to protect my face and shuffle my feet all the way through—as though I would ever use these for actual fighting. Kickboxing is a great workout because it keeps your heart rate elevated while boosting your endurance and the strength in your fast-twitch muscles. (Think the ones that help you sprint, not run marathons.) I left feeling tired, with my back and arms completely worn out. Though these skills probably won’t frequently translate to real life, the next time a shitty fashion-P.R. person thinks about not giving me look #27, he might want to think about this story.

CYCLING

O.K., so spinning is not exactly cycling, but it is the workout class that has taken over the world (at least my world of New York and Los Angeles) and has the biggest cult following since Jazzercise in the 80s. There are two main high-end places to spin in New York: Soul Cycle and Flywheel. People that ride at one generally swear by it and will not work out at the competitor. Both have a celebrity following and both are expanding at a rapid pace. After trying both, I chose Flywheel for this piece because it has the most competitive philosophy and therefore felt the most like an Olympic sport. Each class has a leader board that is displayed periodically throughout the class to show you how you are faring in comparison to the other spinners. As one might have guessed, the leader board is a huge motivator for me; when it goes up, I find the bike that is beating me and quickly scan the room for said person. Then it’s game on—it helps to know your competition, especially if said competition is Sofía Vergara. Turning up my torque to 50 and pedaling as fast I could, I came in third. At the end of class I felt like I got a good quad workout and burned a ton of calories. Plus, because Flywheel is super sexy, I have an extra bonus for you New Yorkers: I will be hosting an all–Fleetwood Mac spin class on August 8 with Jesse at 7:30 at the Flatiron location. Mention this article, and get your first ride free.

ROWING

I was not a rower in high school or college, but always liked the idea of it. (I thought about those rowers in spandex all the time, as a matter of fact.) When I found out that Equinox offered a rowing-inspired class, I was thrilled. It’s called Shockwave and was created by champion rower Josh Crosby and Jay Blahnik to take the unique cardiovascular and strength benefits of the rowing movement and expand upon them. Turns out Shockwave is a total-body-conditioning circuit, divided into short intervals. At various points we used a ViPR bar (a heavy rubber tube with handles that Equinox trainers have developed routines around), weighted body bars, and kettle bells. Much of the workout was on the Indo-Row rowing machine, which is no joke. It’s a race to the finish as each team moves through these circuits. When I won I threw my hands in the air and did a very non-Olympic victory dance. The end results were that I had a great workout, literally everything was sore, I was shaking by the time I went back to work, and Shockwave has become one of my favorite classes at Equinox. Note to those playing office hooky: Do not tell your boss you are going to therapy as an excuse. I came back trembling and exhausted from class, and she thought that I must have had a disturbing breakthrough with my therapist.

ADULT GYMNASTICS

I didn’t even know this was a thing, but apparently adult gymnastics is taught at Chelsea Piers and not only is it a “thing,” it is a very fun thing. The name Adult Gymnastics, I think, implies an exercise a little sexier than the one I was introduced to. But I was relieved (and maybe a little let down) when I discovered the class was not the limbered-up sweat-fest I was expecting. The other students on the mats nearby were quite a bit younger than me (which is to say, under 10 years old), and they were intimidating as hell. There’s a reason why Olympic gymnasts are so young. Not only are they lighter and more limber, but also when they fall, they tend to bounce and get back up. Thirty-seven-year-olds don’t have as much . . . bounce. As I stared down a particularly precocious looking five-year-old, I thought to myself, “This little guy doesn’t even know about my newly acquired kickboxing skills.” For my first class we kept the exercises “light.” I learned some basic floor moves like cartwheels, somersaults, jumps, and twists. I dallied with the rings and attempted an Iron Cross, which I held for give or take zero seconds. I even learned some trampoline acrobatics—turns out trampolines are even more fun than they were when we were kids. By the finish I’d earned a strong upper- and lower-body workout and expanded my flexibility. I had a great time and would totally go back, but I have to admit that I did tweak my back doing a basic summersault. This would never happen to a five-year-old.

ADULT GYMNASTICS

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

Last, but certainly not least, was synchronized swimming. As I entered the pool at the Manhattan Plaza Club on 43rd between 9th and 10th Avenues, I immediately scanned the room for other boys that might be taking the class. None. My next step was to scan the room for boys that could potentially mock me while I learned my new sport. Everywhere. Suddenly I hated my dainty Speedo. It was suffocating me! But I sucked it up and just went for it (I’m talking about my stomach). With the rest of the ladies in my class, a spritely group that welcomed me with open arms, and legs (I am talking about scissor kicks, get your mind out of the gutter), I listened to instructions as coach Ann Weissman led us through the routine for the day. We were going to start with some warm-ups and end with a lift. We did four freestyle laps first, no problem. Maybe this will be too easy, I thought. Wrong. Next came the eggbeaters: to envision this, imagine your legs working as literal eggbeaters, spinning to propel you out of the water. This is hard. Then we learned how to swim backward and forward using only a flick of our wrists. This lazy/precise movement is called sculling, and I naturally excelled at it. Our coach even compared me to a sea otter! Afterwards, during the routines, I was a star! No literally, I was one point of a giant human sunburst. The girls and I quickly found our stride and did some pretty incredible things, like stars and flowers formed with just bodies, the water, and our smiles. By the end, people were screaming and even the guys on the other side that I had been worrying about nodded their heads in approval. (O.K., some of this happened and some didn’t. Read between the lines.) My takeaway was that it is much harder than I thought to stay still in the water, much less do complicated, synchronized moves. My calves hurt ferociously for days, but I had a really good time and made eight new friends who are now all very in tune with one another. Note: A pedicure is strongly recommended pre-swim. And it helps if you can pull off a red lip.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

BOXING

Of all of the workouts I tried, this one was my favorite, and the one I am going to continue. And it was the one I was most reluctant to try in the first place! I went to __will__space off of West 10th Street in Manhattan’s West Village, where they specialize in Mui Tai, a combination of boxing and kicking, or as we call it in America, kickboxing. Boxing is one of the few sports that I actually don’t watch, and even though I was really good at Mortal Kombat 2 when I was 12, actual fighting was also never one of my strengths. So I was intimidated to start this workout. My teacher was named Little Mike. (Twist: he is not little. At all.) He set right out making me feel comfortable—despite his giant frame, he was actually a total teddy bear. A teddy bear that could kick the living shit out of anyone. (By the way “little” Mike Medreno will be headlining in Atlantic City on September 12) We started off with a series of moves named after animals: the scorpion, the bear, the bullfrog, and the seated gorilla. Don’t know the animals yet? Trust me, they are bitches and you will be exhausted before you even start your boxing/kicking combos. For the seated gorilla, for example, you must crab-walk across the floor using only your fists and your ass—your feet can’t touch the ground. Sound hard? The floor is harder. Once those were done, I learned how to perform some offensive and defensive moves, with Little Mike reminding me to protect my face and shuffle my feet all the way through—as though I would ever use these for actual fighting. Kickboxing is a great workout because it keeps your heart rate elevated while boosting your endurance and the strength in your fast-twitch muscles. (Think the ones that help you sprint, not run marathons.) I left feeling tired, with my back and arms completely worn out. Though these skills probably won’t frequently translate to real life, the next time a shitty fashion-P.R. person thinks about not giving me look #27, he might want to think about this story.

CYCLING

O.K., so spinning is not exactly cycling, but it is the workout class that has taken over the world (at least my world of New York and Los Angeles) and has the biggest cult following since Jazzercise in the 80s. There are two main high-end places to spin in New York: Soul Cycle and Flywheel. People that ride at one generally swear by it and will not work out at the competitor. Both have a celebrity following and both are expanding at a rapid pace. After trying both, I chose Flywheel for this piece because it has the most competitive philosophy and therefore felt the most like an Olympic sport. Each class has a leader board that is displayed periodically throughout the class to show you how you are faring in comparison to the other spinners. As one might have guessed, the leader board is a huge motivator for me; when it goes up, I find the bike that is beating me and quickly scan the room for said person. Then it’s game on—it helps to know your competition, especially if said competition is Sofía Vergara. Turning up my torque to 50 and pedaling as fast I could, I came in third. At the end of class I felt like I got a good quad workout and burned a ton of calories. Plus, because Flywheel is super sexy, I have an extra bonus for you New Yorkers: I will be hosting an all–Fleetwood Mac spin class on August 8 with Jesse at 7:30 at the Flatiron location. Mention this article, and get your first ride free.

ROWING

I was not a rower in high school or college, but always liked the idea of it. (I thought about those rowers in spandex all the time, as a matter of fact.) When I found out that Equinox offered a rowing-inspired class, I was thrilled. It’s called Shockwave and was created by champion rower Josh Crosby and Jay Blahnik to take the unique cardiovascular and strength benefits of the rowing movement and expand upon them. Turns out Shockwave is a total-body-conditioning circuit, divided into short intervals. At various points we used a ViPR bar (a heavy rubber tube with handles that Equinox trainers have developed routines around), weighted body bars, and kettle bells. Much of the workout was on the Indo-Row rowing machine, which is no joke. It’s a race to the finish as each team moves through these circuits. When I won I threw my hands in the air and did a very non-Olympic victory dance. The end results were that I had a great workout, literally everything was sore, I was shaking by the time I went back to work, and Shockwave has become one of my favorite classes at Equinox. Note to those playing office hooky: Do not tell your boss you are going to therapy as an excuse. I came back trembling and exhausted from class, and she thought that I must have had a disturbing breakthrough with my therapist.

ADULT GYMNASTICS

I didn’t even know this was a thing, but apparently adult gymnastics is taught at Chelsea Piers and not only is it a “thing,” it is a very fun thing. The name Adult Gymnastics, I think, implies an exercise a little sexier than the one I was introduced to. But I was relieved (and maybe a little let down) when I discovered the class was not the limbered-up sweat-fest I was expecting. The other students on the mats nearby were quite a bit younger than me (which is to say, under 10 years old), and they were intimidating as hell. There’s a reason why Olympic gymnasts are so young. Not only are they lighter and more limber, but also when they fall, they tend to bounce and get back up. Thirty-seven-year-olds don’t have as much . . . bounce. As I stared down a particularly precocious looking five-year-old, I thought to myself, “This little guy doesn’t even know about my newly acquired kickboxing skills.” For my first class we kept the exercises “light.” I learned some basic floor moves like cartwheels, somersaults, jumps, and twists. I dallied with the rings and attempted an Iron Cross, which I held for give or take zero seconds. I even learned some trampoline acrobatics—turns out trampolines are even more fun than they were when we were kids. By the finish I’d earned a strong upper- and lower-body workout and expanded my flexibility. I had a great time and would totally go back, but I have to admit that I did tweak my back doing a basic summersault. This would never happen to a five-year-old.

ADULT GYMNASTICS

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

Last, but certainly not least, was synchronized swimming. As I entered the pool at the Manhattan Plaza Club on 43rd between 9th and 10th Avenues, I immediately scanned the room for other boys that might be taking the class. None. My next step was to scan the room for boys that could potentially mock me while I learned my new sport. Everywhere. Suddenly I hated my dainty Speedo. It was suffocating me! But I sucked it up and just went for it (I’m talking about my stomach). With the rest of the ladies in my class, a spritely group that welcomed me with open arms, and legs (I am talking about scissor kicks, get your mind out of the gutter), I listened to instructions as coach Ann Weissman led us through the routine for the day. We were going to start with some warm-ups and end with a lift. We did four freestyle laps first, no problem. Maybe this will be too easy, I thought. Wrong. Next came the eggbeaters: to envision this, imagine your legs working as literal eggbeaters, spinning to propel you out of the water. This is hard. Then we learned how to swim backward and forward using only a flick of our wrists. This lazy/precise movement is called sculling, and I naturally excelled at it. Our coach even compared me to a sea otter! Afterwards, during the routines, I was a star! No literally, I was one point of a giant human sunburst. The girls and I quickly found our stride and did some pretty incredible things, like stars and flowers formed with just bodies, the water, and our smiles. By the end, people were screaming and even the guys on the other side that I had been worrying about nodded their heads in approval. (O.K., some of this happened and some didn’t. Read between the lines.) My takeaway was that it is much harder than I thought to stay still in the water, much less do complicated, synchronized moves. My calves hurt ferociously for days, but I had a really good time and made eight new friends who are now all very in tune with one another. Note: A pedicure is strongly recommended pre-swim. And it helps if you can pull off a red lip.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

It seems to me that everything these last couple of months has had something to do with the Olympics: from shop windows to billboards, to bars and even nightclubs. Last month on Fire Island I saw a sassy troop of drag queens re-enact the entire 1996 U.S.-women’s-gymnastics-team floor exercise. (You haven’t seen true drag until you’ve seen a fortysomething man do vintage Kerri Strug.) Naturally, after my trip to the Super Bowl earlier this year, I just assumed I’d soon be winging my way to London to see the games of the XXX Olympiad. But, to my shock and disappointment, Vanity Fair told me they’d rather spend the money on making a magazine. So I decided to take things into my own hands. I had the Olympic bug and I had it bad. I wasn’t about to miss out on all the fun and frenzy. I decided I’d do my own Olympics, here in New York. Since I’m workout-obsessed, I’d take every exercise class I could find that was Olympic-themed. A chance to humiliate myself in front of my friends and peers? Check. An opportunity to throw on a bathing cap and synchronize swim with a bunch of sassy gals? Hell yeah, game on! Oh, and you would like me to wear the actual uniforms for the purpose of the pictures? O.K., what could possibly go wrong?

So I tackled the sports head on and had some great workouts, some good laughs, and a little agony along the way. What I take away from this experience? That at 37 I am a little long in the tooth for every sport and that I was not so comfortable being photographed in a Speedo (but I like it now).