Our Mom's Life columnist says yelling at your kids is normal, but keeping yelling to a minimum is worth the work. / Getty Images

Written by

Amy Lorentzen

Special to the Register

I wish I didnít, but Iím human, and at times my patience wanes and emotion spills over.

I feel bad when it happens, but I donít let it ruin my day, or theirs. If itís a situation where thereís danger, such as one of my sons running out into a busy street, I explain why I had to holler a warning. If itís my 2-year-old dumping a bowl of Cheerios, smashing them into the carpet with his feet while big brother eggs him on, I explain what made me frustrated. If I get snippy with them just because Iím having a bad day, I apologize. Then we move on.

Thatís the hard thing about yelling. If you donít address it in some way, itís easy to carry around the bad mood and keep the volume turned up. Itís critical that you donít let your words turn into ridicule, criticism or insults, which is emotionally abusive and can have long-term effects on children.

Because itís harder on some days than others to tamp down frustration and get back on track, I asked Linda McCall, a licensed independent social worker with Iowa Health-Des Moines, for tips on how to handle the situation when you yell at your kids.

First, she said it is normal for parents to yell, on occasion. But itís important for parents and other guardians to be aware of their feelings and keep control of their tempers and frustrations.

ďParents need to model to their children mature, adult behavior including being responsible for oneís words and actions,Ē she said.

And that means apologizing when you do lose your verbal cool.

ďI would not suggest moving forward and acting as though nothing happened,Ē she said, ďbecause to (the child) it is a big deal.Ē

McCall added that kids often blame themselves when their parents become angry, even if it wasnít their fault.

ďParents need to reassure their children that they are loved and what special qualities they notice in their child,Ē she said.

If you are having a difficult day and worry your tone will get rough, give your children warning that you are feeling short on patience. McCall says it can be helpful for parents to take their own 5- to 10-minute ďtime outĒ to have some peace and quiet and regroup. If you need longer than that, ask a friend or neighbor to help while you leave the house.

For me, I like to remind myself that everything my kids do is normal, even if itís aggravating to me. And Iím also normal, even though a snap escapes my lips sometimes.

McCall said raising your voice at your children, on occasion, is not going to ruin them. However, it could become abusive and they could suffer lasting damage if you are yelling every day or if you are slinging sarcasm and derogatory statements.

ďIt is important for parents to do whatever they need to do to keep themselves calm, supportive and loving of their children,Ē she said.

To me, yelling signals that Iíve lost control and need to use a different tactic. Sometimes I do that by changing my scowl into a silly face and tickling my child to break the bad mood. Sometimes I have to search my brain for tips Iíve read in a parenting book (check out my favorite website www.loveand logic.com). Other times I just clamp my jaw and exit the room for that ďtime outĒ McCall talked about.

If you only get loud with your kids once in a while, donít let it put a cloud over your day or theirs. Address why you grouched and move on with good words and activities. If you find yourself yelling regularly and you canít get it under control, consider seeking help from a therapist or church pastor who can give you emotional comfort and tips for controlling your temper.

Keeping yelling to a minimum is worth the work. We all want our kids to feel confident and remember our cuddles and care, not snaps or snide remarks.