Sexy Time: Blame It On The L-L-L-LUBE

Derrick* and I used to have great sex. We were both passionate, experimental, and great in bed (hey, confidence is a turn-on, right?). But lately we have been in a rut, and I blame it on lube.

But, you say, artificial lubricant is great for drunk sex, or extremely long sex, or sex with someone extremely well endowed, because it keeps you from drying out and damaging your goodies. Yes, lube is great in these situations. My problem with lube is that, for us, it has become a replacement for foreplay.

And that is not okay.

The first time it happened I was hanging out at Derrick’s after a long day at work and very tired. He wanted sex, but I was feeling lazy and just wanted to play Sudoku on my phone. “Please,” he begged, “just let me put it in; I’ll get lube, you don’t have to do anything, you can even keep playing Sudoku.” This offer was too tempting to pass up; imagine telling my girls later that I played Sudoku while having sex! I didn’t expect good sex, but figured it would be worth it just for the funny story. He put lube on and went at it. I ended up putting down the phone half-way through and getting a little into it, but it still wasn’t very good.

The next time it happened I was slightly tipsy and, again, very tired. Again he begged – please just let him use lube and slide in, I didn’t have to do anything. And again I agreed. This time though, I REALLY didn’t do anything. I didn’t get into it and neither of us enjoyed it. He finally stopped and we both agreed that it had been a terrible idea.

A few days later, I walked into my boyfriend’s house energized and ready for some good sex at long last. But as I staredt my strip tease he told me he was tired from work and too “beat” for any foreplay. And then I heard those three awful words: “Just get lube.”

And I did, because I understood where he was coming from.

But the sex was bad. Again. And our entire sex life started going down the lube tube. This stuff may look innocent, but it just takes all the fun out of sex. Who needs romance or foreplay when you can squeeze it out of a bottle? Lube has turned sex into a mechanical function (stick penis in, pull penis out, repeat until bored) rather than the fun, passionate encounter we used to look forward to.

I am doing anything I can to quit the lube – chugging coffee after work, investing in some new lingerie, and jumping the BF’s bones the minute he gets into my room. I am going to have sex the way I should, dammit – with passion and heat and no artificial lubricant!