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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The One Where Craigslist Creeps Me Out

Last night, D and I were looking through the personal ads on craigslist. Not looking for anything in particular, just checking out the depravity that takes place online.

And what we found was amazing.

One that caught my attention was someone (a dude) who was looking for a woman who wanted. . .oral attention on the way home from work. He noted the highway he lived by, and said that if anyone (he specified people in relationships) wanted some "oral attention" on their way home from work, he would be more than happy to oblige.

. . .what?

Then there were plenty of people who wanted random hookups (those are to be expected), relationships (also expected), and one guy who was dying to get it on with a transgender person.

. . .WHAT?

I mean, I get that people like sex. I get that some people like a lot of sex with a lot of different people. But it's like. . .why specify that you want someone in a relationship? Why look for something when YOU are in a relationship? There was one that specified that the guy was in a relationship, and that he wanted a woman who was also in a relationship.

How about (and here's a crazy thought) you. . .have sex with the person you're in a relationship with? Even when I found myself in the Other Woman position (yeah, yeah. I know.), there was no sex. Was not a thing. I don't understand the people who go out and that's specifically what they're looking for: sex (or. . .whatever) with NOT the person they're seeing.

All of this doesn't even include how skeezy I find it to troll for sex online, even when you're single. Sure, when you're single, you can do whatever you want, but. . .why would you want to do random people? Not having had a giant number of sexual partners (Hint: That number is fewer than 2), maybe I just don't understand the allure. But I feel like posting pictures of your junk online is just gross. If you have to find someone online, why not try a legit dating Web site? (There was an ad for one on a Web site I visit called PlentyOfFish.com. See? Cute name AND I'm guessing there are no photos of naked junk. Although, to be fair, when all written out with no capital letters, it looks like the name of the site is Plenty Offish, which doesn't make any sense at all.)

What took the proverbial cake, though, was a listing D found. Apparently, a middle-aged homosexual gentleman had received. . .oral stimulation from a random, unknown 20-ish homosexual gentleman. He didn't know his name or anything else (CREE-PY!). His main concern was that his. . .junkular piercing (a sentimental gift of some kind) had gone missing, and the dude was afraid that the unknown young man had swallowed it. He wanted it back. Understandably. He even helpfully included a picture of what the ring looked like, in case the younger dude was crapping out several genital piercings and needed to know specifically which one this guy was looking for. Luckily, it was a generic stock photo of said piercing and not a photo in which the ring was. . .attached to anything.

My first question here, I guess, would be why in the name of all that is holy would you give something like that as a gift? WHO gave him this gift? Possible suspects:

1. Friend, as a gag gift;

2. Former Lover, not as a gag gift;

3. Supportive Grandmother

I really don't know. But I feel like, in this situation, rather than taking it to craigslist, the guy should call Grandma and fess up.

"Hey, Grams, it's Kris. Yeah, things are going fine. Work's good. What's that? Oh, yeah, Mom's doing well. I'll tell her to call you. Listen! The PA you got me for Christmas got swallowed by some random dude. . .I know, right? You'd think he would have noticed. No, I met him at a bar. Yeah. You think you could send me a new one for my birthday? Excellent. Thanks! See you at Thanksgiving! Give Snuffles a kiss for me!"

Sketchy is not even the word. True story: someone posted my ex-boyfriend's phone number in the men-looking-for-men section. His phone rang for days from these random dudes. He finally had to contact customer support to try and find out where the posting came from.