Christmas can be a wonderful time. It can be a time when we come together to celebrate the passing of another year and to look forward to beginning a new year full of potential and possibility. It can be a time of re-connecting with our family and friends and remembering those who are no longer with us. Yet for all that, it can be a time of enormous stress and for some people tremendous loneliness. Images of happy faces and perfect families in media ads may not match the sadness and pain we may be feeling inside.

Here is part one of our two-part Christmas Guide for One-Parent Families.

For some one-parent families, Christmas can be particularly difficult. It can be a time when painful feelings are magnified. Financial strain, complicated access arrangements, and spending lots of time with relatives can further add to feelings of anxiety and distress.

Becoming aware of and acknowledging the immense pressure you may be feeling during the run up to Christmas is an important step in managing. Planning ahead is critical. Above all, remembering your own values and remembering what’s most important to you and your family is probably the ultimate stress buster for the season.

Some general points to consider

Abandon perfectionism! There is no such thing as the perfect Christmas

Plan Christmas as early as possible. You may find yourself resisting this idea, however, planning early means you can foresee any potential problems, organise your finances more effectively and ultimately lessen the stress. It may also mean that you have more time to find enjoyment in the season itself when it finally does come

Keep things simple

Negotiate and finalise access arrangements as early as possible. This will help avoid last minute confusion, stress and fighting

Remember, Christmas is often not the time to challenge a person’s behaviour. Christmas is too emotionally charged. If a behaviour is tolerable and does not endanger another person’s wellbeing then it may be better to wait until the Christmas period is over

Parents should avoid competing with each other through giving expensive presents. Expensive presents are a poor substitute for telling your child you love them and spending time with them

Reassure your child that it is okay to talk about sad feelings at Christmas time. Acknowledging your own feelings without laying blame can be helpful to both your child and you. However, be careful not to use your child as a confidant or peer

Try to reach out to those you trust for support

If you’re finding it really tough try to find a little joy in each day and write it down in a journal or diary

Christmas Alone

For some members of one-parent families Christmas may be spent alone. Children may be spending their holidays with the other parent this year, or a parent may not have access to the children etc. For some people being on their own at Christmas is enjoyable and can be a time to do things that they wouldn’t normally get done. However for others, being alone at Christmas increases feelings of depression, loneliness and isolation.

If you know that you are spending Christmas alone and know that this will be difficult for you it is really important to devise a coping strategy as soon as possible. Don’t wait on the hope that someone will ask you over and don’t put off thinking about what you will do.

Try to encourage yourself to make contact early with distanced family or friends and explore with them the possibility of sharing Christmas with them

If you know other people spending Christmas alone, think about inviting them over for Christmas. “Pot Luck” dinners, where everyone brings a dish, can be an interesting way to break from tradition

Tell yourself you are worth it and prepare a special meal for yourself

Plan each day well in advance – try to know exactly what you will be doing. A structure can be really helpful during the holidays when you have a lot of time alone

Some people find that volunteering or getting involved in local activities can help them re-connect with other people and put meaning back into the season

Attending a religious service or communal celebration might also help to give a sense of re-connection with others

Get out of the house and go for a walk. Many people go walking on Christmas day

Try to avoid things that make you feel worse such as alcohol, recreational drugs, over eating

Remind yourself that this is a difficult time and that it will pass

Try to plan one outdoor activity each day

Write down what you are feeling

If you are feeling really lonely, depressed and cannot find a way to reach out to others think about contacting the services below

Coping with sad or painful memories

Christmas is a time when we can become painfully aware of the losses in our lives, the people who have gone from us through bereavement, family separation, past traumas etc. If you are trying to manage painful feelings at Christmas, here are some ideas that might help:

Try not to hide your feelings. Try to find someone you can talk to over the holidays

Reassure children and young people that it is okay to feel upset and encourage them to talk about how their feeling

Identify one friend that you trust and know you can call on to talk over the holiday. Ask them to be your “listening ear” over the holiday

Light a special candle for the person who is missing or for the painful secret or memory you’re trying to cope with. You don’t need to tell anyone the significance of the candle. Candles are an acceptable part of the Christmas décor

Keep a diary over the holiday and really use it to write down how you are feeling

Drink a toast to absent loved ones, name them

It can be helpful for children to remember people who are no longer in their lives through making a special bauble for the Christmas Tree that represents them

In part two, we discuss Dealing with Conflict, Financial Management at Christmas, Dealing with Pressure from Children and Young People, and Fun Things to do with Children. You can read it here.

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Trading as One Family, Cherish CLG is a company limited by guarantee not having a share capital, registered in Dublin, Ireland with registered office at 8 Coke Lane, Dublin 7 and registered Company Number 45364. One Family is also a charity (Charity Regulatory Authority No. 20012212 and Charity No. 6525).