Giant sponge dropped on Somerset

The world’s largest sponge was dramatically dropped onto Somerset last night by the Environment Agency’s specialist aerial bombardment unit. Officials have reportedly been instructed by Ministers to ‘think the unthinkable’ in order to limit flood damage after standard responses such as sandbagging and beseeching the Almighty proved ineffective.

An official Environment Agency spokesperson said “I completely reject the accusation that this is a panicked response. It is a testament to hard working front line staff that a sponge of such magnitude has been manufactured in the short period since 1:30am Sunday morning when we first thought of it. When full, the sponge will be airlifted out and squeezed over the Bristol Channel, and then brought back for more.

It is understood that Ministers vetoed alternative emergency plans to ask the millions of local residents to each hold a small amount of flood water in their cupped hands until summer.

‘We have a range of contingency plans should the operation fail including the forced requisition of the entire UK supply of that green stuff florists use…you know that stuff that’s nice to press,’ said the spokesman. ‘And if even that doesn’t work, as a final resort we have a massive kitchen roll on standby.’