An online journal from perhaps the biggest, stupidest Tommy on all the internet.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Poutine

I'm not saying I would. I'm just saying that it's not out of the question. I'm mentioning that I can name the WWE Champions as easily as I can the U.S. Presidents, or my Home Address. My priorities have never really been where everybody else tends to think they should be.

Again, I'm not saying that I would.

I am also not saying that I would not.

I would very much like there to be a Poutine Truck, which cooks and serves Poutine, here in my home town of Athens, Tennessee.

For such, I might be willing to trade a testicle.

I'm not saying I would. I'm not saying I wouldn't.

I'm saying that it's in the realm of conversation.

Because A.) I like Poutine, and haven't had real Poutine for nigh on more than a decade now. And B.) I have two working testicles, and would be willing to trade one of them to have a truck that cooks and serves Poutine. As I see it, I've not begat progeny at this point, and would be willing to trade some of the potential for said progeny for a truck that vends fried potatoes covered in gravy and cheese curd.

There is a lot of thinking that has gone into this, and I'll spare you the goriest of details. Suffice it to say, I'd never have to ground a Poutine truck for stealing another kid's lunch money, and I'll never have to bail it out of jail for selling pot on school grounds. That's because you can't send a Poutine Truck to school in this state.

I've checked.

So.

There is a point of negotiation, mostly involving the removal of said testicle. The hows, and more importantly, the how painfuls. Don't dig the pain when it comes to the family jewel(s). Would like to negotiate anesthetic (general...local just ain't gonna cut it), as well as the relative sterility of instruments used to extract.

I will not accept any contract that involves the use of a Freddy Krueger glove, or any device featured in the Hellraiser or Saw movies.

Also: No Bear Traps. All points are negotiable, except this one.

You may use my testicle for any purpose. It is yours to do with as you please. Although, please note, that if progeny is created using the extracted bits, I would like you to consider the name "Otis." Because there aren't enough people named Otis.

Now, I can hear a few of you saying: "Why not make you're own?"

1.) I work hard, and like being served food. 2.) Mind your own business.