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I LOVE TELEVISION

Annoying thing 2,934,653: peoplewho want to see unattractive people on television. Just the other day, someone sez to me, "HUMPY. Why aren't there more ordinary people on TV? It's always hot people or supermodels!" To which I replied, "If I wanted to see ugly people, I'd walk outside."

Would you really want to see Dr. McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy played by your shirtless district manager? Is it really necessary for Kate from Lost to be portrayed by that 50-year-old lady behind the counter at Krispy Kreme? You know … the one with the mustache? You see what I'm driving at: "Reality" is great — until you find a mustache hair in your doughnut.

The purpose of television is to get as far away from the outside world as possible — to immerse oneself completely into a world of unattainable fantasy, while (hopefully) getting everyone else on the planet to SHUT THEIR BLABBY PIE-HOLES. Television should be a beautiful, perfect place … where such common monstrosities as overbites, unfetching haircuts and cellulite are nowhere to be seen.

Which brings me to Rachael Ray.

In the past, it has been relatively easy to ignore this "person," who unfortunately was given her own cooking show on the Food Network, titled 30 Minute Meals — in which anything from beef Stroganoff to crapping in a Ziploc bag is allowable, as long as it can be accomplished in under half an hour. Now, if she had stopped there? FINE! The world would've been a much happier place. But did she? NOOOOOOOOO! While most people would be happy with one show, she was eventually given FOUR MORE — including $40 a Day, Inside Dish, Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels and now the nationally syndicated talk show Rachael Ray. (If you're interested, check your local listings for stations and times. I refuse to do anything else to further her career.) And not only that, she has a crap-ton of cooking books and her very own magazine — which means she's now EVERYWHERE. But even with all that, I wouldn't have a problem with Rachael Ray, except for one thing … SHE IS A MONSTER.

Examples? OH, I HAVE EXAMPLES! No. 1: She has no neck to speak of. No. 2: She flails her arms around like Grover on speed and smiles like she's the Joker on 40 hits of Ecstasy. No. 3: Her laugh sounds like a cat being repeatedly flung into a wood chipper. No. 4: Her hands are HUGE. No. 5: Her voice sounds like a combination tracheotomy box and bullhorn. And No. 6: She makes all these icky orgasm sounds after tasting her Spam casserole, and then declares it "YUM-O!"

"YUM-O"? "YUM-O"?!?! If there is a more annoying catchphrase in the history of television, I'd like to hear it. (Wait … no, I wouldn't … because my brain would SQUIRT out of my EARS.) And do you want to know the worst thing about Rachael Ray? She's … she's … kinda hot. I KNOW! I'M SO ASHAMED! I just can't help but think if she were to have her neck lengthened, and her mouth sewn shut, she might actually turn out to be someone who deserved to be on television.

But I still have no idea what to do with those hands. BRRR!!

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, DEC. 7

8 p.m. NBCMY NAME IS EARL

When Earl accidentally gets Catalina deported, it sets the stage for an international incident … of HILARITY.

9 p.m. FOXTHE O.C.

While visiting Summer at Brown, Seth finds and moves into an empty dorm room. OK … starting to get creepy!

FRIDAY, DEC. 8

8 p.m. CBSRUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph tries to prove himself to that dickhead Santa with the help of a gay midget (who wants to be a dentist).

9 p.m. SCIBATTLESTAR GALACTICA

The fleet's food processor goes on the fritz. They should borrow one from Star Trek's Enterprise! Theirs is so sweet.

SATURDAY, DEC. 9

8 p.m. ABCTHE X-MAS THAT ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN

After a doctor tells him he has an STD, Rusty the Reindeer figures out how he got his name.

SUNDAY, DEC. 10

8 p.m. FOXTHE SIMPSONS

Bart becomes best friends with Nelson! HAW-HAW!

8 p.m. CBSTHE AMAZING RACE

Season Finale! The final teams of globetrotters race to the finish line (where, finally, a decent toilet awaits them).

MONDAY, DEC. 11

8 p.m. FOX HOUSE

It's a double feature of Dr. Cranky when the docs race to save the life of Foreman.

9 p.m. SCITHE LOST ROOM

A new miniseries about a super-creepy motel room, starring Six Feet Under's Peter Krause!

TUESDAY, DEC. 12

8 p.m. ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE X-MAS

It's the 40th anniversary of this classic holiday cartoon, with extras such as an interview with animator Chuck Jones.

10 p.m. ABCBARBARA WALTERS' 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE

It's the "most fascinating" people of 2006, including Kevin Federline, Britney Spears and Britney Spears' cooter.

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 13

10 p.m. SPIKE VIDEOGAME AWARDS

The only awards show pre-empted because the viewers are too busy playing video games.

10 p.m. MTV REAL WORLD DENVER

Panic sweeps the house when the kids realize that no one gives a crap about this show anymore.