If You’re Happy And You Know It

I’m generally a really happy, positive person. Sure, I am occasionally snarky and sarcastic but for the most part? Lots of rainbows and dancing up in here. But lately? It’s all been an act.

I’ve been trying to think about how long I haven’t felt like myself. It’s hard to pinpoint. Did it start with my bed rest? It could have. That was one of the darkest times of my life. And of course, who wouldn’t be out of sorts with a baby in the NICU? And then I was on Reglan, twice, for my breast milk, and one of its side effects is depression. So that explained it then. And then Maddie was hospitalized again. And again. And then Jackie! got her diagnosis. I got good at explaining it all away.

I still laugh. I still find joy in my daughter, my husband, and my family and friends. But something inside me has been off for a long time. I’ve been ignoring it and pushing through it for so long now that it feels like I’ve always been this way.

Oh! The anxiety. The anxiety that is so bad I keep my jaw clenched all day long, clenched so tightly that my dentist freaked out at my cracked teeth. I am constantly popping pain medication for head and jaw aches. My jaw has locked up repeatedly, and I’ve had panic attacks with increasing frequency. I get up multiple times in the middle of the night to obsessively check on Madeline, so I am barely sleeping. Poor Mike probably grew sick of asking me what’s wrong, because I always replied, “nothing.” I didn’t want him to worry about me. Instead I made it worse.

A couple days ago I realized that I have no desire to eat. And that the desire not to eat made me feel good. You see…six years ago, right after my grandmother died, I lost a lot of weight. I told everyone it was because I did yoga and went on a diet but really? I didn’t eat. I survived on coffee, tomatoes, and powdered coffee creamer. That’s pretty messed up, right? But I lost a lot of weight and I got lots of compliments and boys started to notice me. It was completely a control issue – weight loss was just a side effect. I loved the power I got from not eating. I was so good at it. I ate in front of my family and friends. I honestly don’t know if they knew I was starving myself. And when I first started dating Mike, I sort of back-handedly admitted that I was good at the not eating. He listened, and he made sure I ate, and I realized that maybe I didn’t want to starve myself anymore. So the weight came back, slowly (and that was a good thing). I felt better and I would look back at that time and think, well, I wasn’t anorexic. I just went through a bad spot. Everyone does.

But, does everybody? I don’t think they do.

I’ve been somewhat fascinated with a dream I had a few months ago. I’ve played it over and over in my head. In it, I’m alone in my car, driving to work, and I get in an accident. I’m hurt enough to go to the hospital, and I don’t get released for a few days. In the hospital, I get to sleep and be quiet, and I’m not clenching my jaw to the point of extreme pain. I don’t have to go to work, or take a shower, or sit in traffic. I just get to lay there.

Last Wednesday I spent my lunch hour in my car, parked in the lot at work. I leaned the seat all the way back as it was my intention to sleep. Instead, I closed my eyes and tried to figure out how fast I’d have to be going to make the scenario in my dream come true. If I crashed into a wall at 45 or so miles per hour, maybe I would just break a leg and get a concussion. And, side bonus, my crappy VW might get totaled.

Then I thought, maybe planning a way to crash my car wasn’t exactly healthy. So I did something about it. I called my doctor, and left her a message that went like this:

“Hi Dr. Looove. It’s Heather Spohr. I was just calling because…well, I have some questions for you. About depression. Should I be talking to you about this, or my OB? I sure hope it’s you because my OB…well, please let me know, if you have the time.”

When she called me back, I didn’t have the courage to answer the phone. But at least I made the call, right? She wanted me to come in to see her, so I did. I didn’t tell ANYONE.

Dr. Looove is only a couple years older than me. She has big, compassionate eyes and seriously cool shoes. She came into the room I was sitting in, grabbed tissues, and just looked at me. And I started crying, telling her everything I’ve been trying not to feel. About how hard it is for me to get out of bed. About my cracked teeth. About wanting to crash my car. About not eating, and not feeling right, and about how I just want to be myself again. And she listened to me, and she did NOT say, “well, of course you’re depressed, look at the year you’ve had!” Instead she said, “I’m sorry you’ve been suffering. I’ve known you for a while, and I’ve been waiting for you to come talk to me.”

She knew I wasn’t okay. Mike knew I wasn’t okay. It took me almost nine months to acknowledge I wasn’t okay.

I know my experience isn’t anything new – tons of women go through this. But for a control freak like me, this is uncharted territory.

I started taking anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication for postpartum depression at the end of last week. I don’t know if they are making me feel better, or it’s simply the knowledge that I will feel better soon. But I feel more in control. It’s still hard to get out of bed in the morning, but I AM getting out of bed.

87 Comments

Heather, That had to take a shitload of courage to share. I don’t know you, but would totally give you some hugs right now. Being depressed sucks. Telling someone else about it, even 1 person, takes an amount of strength so many depressed people cannot manage. You have made a huge step in the direction of healing. You WILL feel better. It may take awhile, but you will. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Take each day moment by moment. And, thank you for sharing your story. The more we tell others about our own demons and battles, the more we’ll remove the stigma. It’s okay to raise our hand and say, “It’s too much! I’m drowning!” Thanks for speaking out.

Rebecca says:

Heather,
Post Natal Depression and anxiety are awful. Not eating to retain control is awful. I know what these are like. I have lived with them. My heart goes out to you. I hope your meds help you. You guys have really been through the wringer so it’s hardly surprising – I think it’s your body’s way of saying enough is enough. I’m sure you have a lot of people on the ground to support you but you have a lot of people on the www too.
take care

Not only was that brave of you to share, but brave of you to call your doc. Having other people know something isn’t right isn’t enough until we know it ourselves and can admit it. Good for you.

I suffered from PPD after my first son was born, stayed on anti-dep. for awhile and then got off them. Went on them again after my second son was born and haven’t been off since. It’s not the depression so much as the anxiety and “holy-shit-this-is-a-crazy-life” feelings that I need it for. I saw my regular dr. the other day and even tho he didn’t prescribe (OB did), he encouraged staying on – side effect is that they help with migraines! Woohoo. It was nice to have validation that it was ok to stay on them.

djinfl says:

Hugs to you during this painful time. I can remember how exhausting it was to just feel the responsibility for another life let alone the crazy roller coaster of sleeplessness and spur of the moment changes in plans and reactions. Tough times. We are never good enough to ourselves – even if we took a week to do nothing but sleep we would somehow find a way to rerrange everything in our lives. That’s the curse and blessing of being a woman -we’re always thinking and multi tasking and planning for every little thing. Hopefully the meds will let you lie down at night and just turn it all off – my prayer for you is peaceful sleep with happy dreams. Blessings to you and the family.

OH, Heather! I am so sorry you have been suffering!
You know, I’ve been reading your blog since about the time Maddie was back in the hospital and I wondered when the stress would get to you. I am just so glad you did something about it. You are in my thoughts!
Off topic – I had another photo idea for Maddie!
You could fashion a giant fortune cookie out of those sheets of foam and put her in it as the fortune. She could wear a onesie that says “Jackie! live long time”
Lame I know….

I think you would be surprised how many people have gone through similiar situations. I can say that I’ve been there on the starving issue and on the thinking about how I can get into the hospital for a few days rest.

It’s hard and it’s even harder to recogonize within yourself. It takes a lot of courage to call the doctor and do something about it. I’m proud of you.

“In the hospital, I get to sleep and be quiet, and I’m not clenching my jaw to the point of extreme pain. I don’t have to go to work, or take a shower, or sit in traffic. I just get to lay there.”

Do you know the song “Take Me Down To The Infirmary” by Cracker?

I think it’s important to stay interested in your craziness, but when the line between interest and compulsion gets blurry, it’s time for medication.

Jenna just gives me a look. The “time for medication” look. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Really. We live in the most devastatingly stupid culture in the history of the world. You should take pride in needing chemical aid to deal with it.

If you just fit into that madness smoothly with no issue, THAT would be crazy. Seriously.

Heather…it kills me that you are going through this. but really know you aren’t alone. i’m hoping the medication helps. and you ARE getting out of bed, and that’s certainly a good step. hugs and big smooches, friend.

I’m glad you left the post up – maybe writing about it will help a little – know that there are lots of us out here in the blogosphere rooting for you. I’m blessed with a very close, supportive family with an extremely irreverant sense of humor and we keep each other smiling through the difficult times. Here’s hoping someone will make you laugh at an inappropriate time – it’s very freeing:)

Just like a white trash Tinkerbell drunk off warm Jack Daniels slapping you with a face full of wing hotness.
Mmm, hotwings, those sound good right? Or maybe candy tumors?
feelbedderhedder.
love you so much it hurts.

Came by from Moosh’s tweet. Can’t help but express my hopes for a speedy recovery. Been there, husbands been there and my heart goes out to you. It does get better, so glad you asked for help. I bet this post encourages a few to ask for help too.

I’m glad you got help. Keep talking about it, keep writing about it-anything and everything that seems to help. I remember those dark days after pregnancy/delivery (and mine wasn’t nearly as traumatic as yours,) and there is only bravery in your reaching out.

I admire your courage so much – not only to admit to your doctor that you needed help, but to write about in hopes that it will help someone else. I can’t imagine what you are going through, because I haven’t had a child yet, but you really helped me understand the issue and how horrible it must feel. I went through a similar bout last year after I had miscarriage and lost my father within days of each other. I know realize that I shouldn’t have tried to bury my feelings and perhaps should have received some help. I know that your entry will help others too. Thanks so much for sharing this and I’m still praying for Jackie! on a regular basis.

Oh my stars. You just described how I feel except I don’t not eat because I love to eat so I eat and eat and eat then I cry about how fat I’m getting and then I get mad because Mr. indulges my chocolate fetish and then I get mad because my kids complain about not having enough “goodies” in the house and “where did they go” because I eat them all. The not wanting to get out of bed? That’s me. The clenched jaw and cracked teeth? That’s me. I don’t dream about crashing my car but I do dream nightmares quite often.

I’m on an antidepressent but it’s an old – school to control my migraines because I had one last year that paralyzed half of my body and it took weeks/months to get some strength back in my left leg so I didn’t have to use my cane.

Heather – thank you. When I see my neurologist in two months I’m having him remove me from the OSAD so that I can take something *real* and start feeling halfway human again. I can’t explain to you how much it really, really opened my eyes reading your post. I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs)))

We all have our “breaking” points. I had a bout with depression and I got so low and just was a mean, nasty person, but it took a lot for me to go get help. And I was so glad that I did. Sometimes you just need something to make you right and get your brain firing the right way again.

Just wanted to chime in here and say that yes, I too, am on an anti-depressant – well actually I had to come off it due to my pregnancy, but I’ll be back on it in three months, and meanwhile I’ve started seeing a counselor once a week. I just sit there and cry and bitch for an hour, but it sort of helps. I’ve been going for three weeks.

It took me nearly 6 months of depression – just like you described, right down to crashing the car (except my fantasies always involved wondering how everyone would continue on with their lives without me, how it would change, etc) before I finally got some medication. Even then I hadn’t really come to terms with the way I was feeling. My daughter is 2 now and I’ve just started seeing a therapist.. I’ve been making and canceling appointments for the last two years.

It’s really hard to admit how it all feels, and it’s hard to go find help. I’m so proud that you’ve done it, and that you had the guts and honesty to write about it here.

Oh dear. I’ve been right where you are many times. To say that it sucks would be an understatement and to say that you will get through the worst parts soon, would be way too trite. But it does suck and you will get through it. Glad you’re taking care of yourself.

I went through something very similar after my second daughter was born. I had complications from the birth, surgery, and then had to be hospitalized for a week b/c I got a staph infection. I felt like I couldn’t cope at home when I left the hospital–a mess. It took me a year to speak to a doctor (mostly b/c I felt incredibly inadequate and guilty.) I realize now that by taking that step to take care of myself, I was also doing the best thing for my family. I needed medication for about a year and a half, then was able to slowly wean off of it & I’ve been fine ever since.

A lot of people pass judgement about using antidepressants and it really does a disservice to mothers, especially. We put enough pressure on ourselves and have plenty of guilt as it is–we don’t need any from other sources! You did the right thing for yourself and those who care about you, and I’m sure you are on the mend. I think it’s brave & wonderful of you to share this b/c I have no doubt that many others feel the same way, and maybe think they are alone.

When I read this, I couldn’t believe have it’s so closely familiar to exactly how I felt (car hitting meridian, totalling car, getting to go to hospital – EXACTLY how I felt). Notice I said felt. It got better, with time and good medicine and good doctors.
(if you read Brooke Shields book she has this exact thought too). It’s a big thing to admit this and to get help. You’re on your way…

Auntie Lynn says:

As all your wonderful friends have written, you are brave, you are smart, and you are loved. I know that you will come out of this crisis wiser, stronger, happier, and with a greater sense of control of life around you. There was a time when your Auntie Lynn, in her 20’s, wanted to crash her car (hmmm. is DNA at work here?) to ease her pain. That was my wake-up call which, like you, I paid attention to.

I had tools to help me and used them. And one of my best friends is my night guard to protect my teeth from genetic induced anxiety. The experience of going to the edge and coming back again as a wiser woman helped prepare me for the breast cancer diagnosis in my early 40’s which I think I handled with grace and optimism.

I wish you a safe journey through this tunnel. The love that comes pouring over you from your husband, family, dear friends, and your funny funny daughter, oh and Dr. Looove are lifelines you can count on that are stepping stones through the unknown.

How amazing for you to share this. Because I always though PPD was something that was just so obvious but then with my second child I figured out that it really is something that just sneaks up on you day by day until one day you look at the mountain that has been building and go “huh, THAT didn’t used to be there”.
Looking forward to hearing that you’re feeling better.

One of the things I really love about blogging is that it gives others the ability to open up and share about something truly horrible that is happening to them and it will be received in a sympathetic, non-judgemental way. I have been honestly amazed at the number of women I have read about who have depresion in one form or another. I just was very, very naive that so many women suffered like this.

You are very brave and very, very smart to realize you have a problem and go to your doctor about it. I’m sure your friends and family love you and need you very much. And those of us in the blogging world appreciate your candor and wish you the very best.

Amy says:

Thanks for your post Heather. You just opened my eyes a little. I have long suffered some of the things you mentioned and am only just now recogonizing what they truly may be symptoms of. I have been explainging it away for years.
That was an intensely honest post, and I thank you for your courage to post it.

I give you a lot of credit for getting up and going to work every day and at least pretending you’re ok. I suffered PPD really bad and was a mess. It’s wonderful that you’ve been able to get help…that’s the hardest part!

The thing about depression, I’m learning, is that the last thing you want to do is talk about it. And getting help? Ha! Even further down the list. Who has the energy? Brushing my teeth might take less effort…nah, can’t be bothered to do that either. At least that’s how it feels for me.

I have PPD and PPA, too, and just got a prescription from my doctor, but haven’t had a chance to start taking the meds yet because I’m weaning my daughter. But I’ll be there in a couple more weeks and hopefully my cloud will lift too.

I’m so glad that you did get help and hope things start looking clearer for you again soon. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m off to explore your site now!

p.s. Found you through mooshinindy’s tweet, so thanks to you too, Moosh!

Oh Heather I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I am glad you are already starting to feel a bit better-I hope it all gets much better soon. I wish I was there to give you a hug. I think it’s awesome that you put it all out here for everyone. There’s a lot of people that aren’t this brave. I’m positive that your words have helped others. (((Heather)))

I’ve been flat out floored to know that I’m not the only one who has to have a bottle of pills help me cope with the bumpier parts of life. I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit, that we feel like it’s something to be ashamed of. One night at a support group meeting for parents like me (with cancer kids) we all started naming off the meds we were taking. Anti-depression/anxiety meds were the norm for almost all of us. It was a relief and an acknowledgment that life often DOES give us more than our bodies and minds can handle. I think you’re so courageous to admit this “loss of control” and perhaps sharing that it’s ok to need more than a stiff upper lip.

Huge kudos to you for taking that horrible step in letting someone else in. I have always thought that secretly I am insane and everyone in my life is just humoring me. It’s hard to ignore the crazy part of ourselves from time to time, much less to embrace it and be willing to do something to make it better.

We daydream about checking into a rehab center, ’round these parts. We fantasize about coming up with thet “bottoming out” stories that we’d have to tell for them to let us in and just let us relax for a couple of weeks. Or a month.

How pleasant, the thought, that slowing down is possible? That someone could be solely focused on taking care of our emotional and physical health.

Seductive. Moving-to-Hawaii seductive.

I can’t let go yet, so I carry all of my crazy around with me. But our next vacation might just be to “Shady Pines Ranch” or whatever the hell those places are called.

I also went through PPD, I also am a control freak, and tried to go it alone. My breaking point also came in the car – but for me, I got in the car after running some errands (alone) and I could not bring myself to back the car out of the parking space. I was afraid that if I started driving – I would keep going, and never come back. I had been fantasizing about doing just that, and the urge was so strong, I could barely breathe. I sat in the car for a good 3 hours before I could trust myself to go home instead of the opposite direction.

Just remember that the people around you LOVE YOU and want to help – but you have to let them. I’m so glad you are able to talk about it. It’s the first step to getting better.

I have so much to share with you on this, but I’m at work and I just can’t say it all right now. I’ll email you later!

I’m sorry to hear that you have been in such pain for so long- I can’t imagine all of the mixed feelings you are dealing with. Please know that there are a lot of us who are wishing you the best and are proud of you for putting yourself first enough to call your doctor and get some help. There’s no shame in asking for help- If you had broken a leg, we would have expected you to do the same. Thanks for letting us in- please know that I’ll be back to see how you’re doing. And how is Jackie?

You know, I’ve had the “maybe I could go to the hospital for a few days” fantasy too but, unfortunately, I’d be having to manage everything in my life from my hospital bed. not to mention the visits from family; Elby wanting to be in my hospital bed hitting the button to move the bed up and down which would be so painful for my foot which would be in traction. Then she’d whine and cry that she wants to watch a movie on mommy’s computer. Plus, the babies would be coming to see me and crying incessantly. Seems like it would be better to just stay home and be medicated.

I’ve been lurking for a while, Heather. From what I’ve read, you seem to be a rock to a lot of people. You seem to be right there when your friends need you doing what needs to be done. Good for you for deciding to do the same for yourself.

I came here from someone’s Twitter comment, but I’m glad I did. I went into a deep depression after a second trimester miscarriage last year and I am just coming out of it. Good for you for getting help and for talking about it. Talking about it eventually makes it a bit easier to deal with. It’s not to easy to admit you need help, but that’s a HUGE step. Hugs to you.

I’m glad you’re posting this. (Not glad you’re dealing with it, of course.) But I think it’s more common than most people want to admit and it’s about time we eradicate the stigma that seems to come attached to depression and medication.

Good for you for calling your doctor. I hope you feel like your true self very soon.

Rebecca says:

I know i’ve already commented but I keep coming back and re-reading this post (obviously i need more of a life). A thing my dad used to say to me when i was down that i like is: “To quote Peter Cooke (english comedian), they say what does not kill you only makes you stronger but i’d rather be weak from pleasure”.

Sometimes being strong for so long take it’s toll. And there have been times in last six months since my twins were born and my little Finn was stillborn that i just wanted to walk up to the gates of the hospital and say please look after me, I’m done. But next week is officially six months since their birth, we’re baking a cake, planting a tree, probably having a huge cry and hugs all round and I will keep taking my medication.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Yes, lots of people go through depression and anxiety, but that doesn’t help when it is you. I am glad you were able to recognize what was going on and do something about it. I hope you get back to feeling better soon.

Came across this and I couldn’t read without leaving a comment. I suffered through depression after my second son was born, I know how painful and scary it is. I’m glad you have such a great doctor to help you.

You are awesome for taking the first step to making the call. I have been thinking about it a lot lately – I get migraines and clench my teeth when I am stressed/depressed. But every-time it gets really bad, it starts to turn around and I start to feel better so I don’t make the call – next time, I am making the call. I hope that you continue to fell better and better each day!

You are awesome for taking the first step to making the call. I have been thinking about it a lot lately – I get migraines and clench my teeth when I am stressed/depressed. But every-time it gets really bad, it starts to turn around and I start to feel better so I don’t make the call – next time, I am making the call. I hope that you continue to fell better and better each day!

Jill says:

Heather, thank you for posting this… it was like reading about myself. I find it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and because I dread it, I find it hard to go to bed at night. I have no desire to eat, and have to force myself to leave the house. I hate going out into social situations when all I really want to do is get into bed and pull the covers over my head. I have had the car-accident fantasy… a lot. I got very very sick after I had Abby but my doctor avoided putting me in the hospital at all costs, which upset me greatly. All I wanted was to sleep and be taken care of, rather than be feeling awful, at home with a baby.
I was feeling pretty inadequate and embarrassed and like a pretty terrible person until I read your post and it hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m not alone. I’m scared, but it feels a little bit better knowing that I’m not by myself in this. Thank you.

I know you don’t need another person saying “I’ve been through it too.” Because that makes it feel like everyone goes through it, and not everyone does. But as a person who has been through some of it, I send a prayer of sleep over you. I think that might have been the worst part, being awake all day and night thinking about how crappy I felt. One thing that helped me was to write down as many positive things about each day as I could, even though they didn’t feel happy at the time. It changed my mindframe. I hope you find something to help those meds do their job.

Tara says:

Heather, I’ve been sooo proud of you this past year with how you’ve handled all that you’ve been through. I know how hard it’s been, but somehow, every time I talk to you, you still manage to laugh and make me laugh too! I love you lots!!!

Just wanted to say that I had a similar experience after the birth of baby no. 2 – breastfeeding was for shit, I was on reglan and it literally made me CRAZY. I described it once like this, “It feels like I want to pull my face off, and it would actually make me feel better.” I, too, asked my Dr for help, and she responded in the EXACT right way, and asked all the questions that she should. I went on medication right away, and it did help (although, I felt the same way you did – I felt such relief that relief was coming!). I took medication for just under two years – I stopped taking them last Christmas. It was the right time for me to stop taking them, and the transition went fine.

It sounds like you are getting support – from your doc, from your husband. I want to thank you for sharing your experiences continues to bring PDD and depression (in general) out of the darkness and shadows and into the light. I hope things continue to get better.

I don’t know if it helps at all to know that a complete stranger wishes you happiness, but I still wanted to share. I do not know what PPD is like, but your beautifully open post helped me learn a tiny bit (reading through tears). So, even though I just found your blog I want to say that I am inspired by your courage to ask for help and to share your story. I wish you the very best!

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been feeling this way–that took a LOT of courage to write and also to talk to the dr. You are definitely doing the right thing by talking about how you feel and getting it all out in the open. I hope that you will be feeling much better really soon!!

i decided that it really wasn’t working that well and i would go off of it. well hello there was not enough energy to get me out of the the bed or tissues to wipe the tears. i couldn’t get a new rx fast enough.

Erin says:

Aww Heather, I was just doing some long overdue catching up on reading your blog, and I came across this. I’m sorry for all you’ve been through this past year–and you’ve been through A LOT–but you’ve had such a great attitude about it all and handled it so well. I love you big sister up the street!