THE COUNSELOR (2013)

While Brad Pitt proves he can act marvelously in his sleep, he is the only redeeming quality in this otherwise worthless piece of trash film. The only purpose of the film I could come up with was a medium for Cameron Diaz to once again prove she is the sluttiest woman in Hollywood. Job well done.

This film starts out contorted and totally disjointed. It makes no sense in the beginning, the middle or the end. The opening scene is totally ridiculous and only explained by Michael Fassbender paying off writer Cormac McCarthy big time. I guess it just foreshadowed we were all going to be going down big time before the movie was over.

Director Ridley Scott obviously forgot to lay off the cocaine while directing. I cannot even imagine what the plot or storyline was supposed to be. There is no likable character. There are no laughs. There is no suspense. You just get plenty of sweaty Mexicans and gore. The message? Lay off drugs whether practicing law or directing a film.

What is really weird is this film was billed as a “thriller.” The only “thrills” were the action between Penelope Cruz’ legs and Cameron Diaz and the windshield of a sports car. But frankly, the way Diaz pulled it off and the way Bardem later described the encounter might make any straight guy consider going gay.

Everyone in my theatre got up and shook their head or wanted their money back. I have had a better time draining my dogs anal glands or playing around on the Obama Care website—all three of these experiences will leave you feeling pretty disgusted.