Are You Shy, Introverted, Both, or Neither (And Why Does It Matter)?

Shyness and introversion are not the same thing.

Bill Gates is quiet and bookish, but apparently unfazed by others’ opinions of him: he’s an introvert, but not shy.

Barbra Streisand has an outgoing, larger than life personality, but a paralyzing case of stage fright: she’s a shy extrovert.

Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, and introversion is a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments. Some psychologists map the two tendencies on vertical and horizontal axes, with the introvert-extrovert spectrum on the horizontal axis, and the anxious-stable spectrum on the vertical. With this model, you end up with four quadrants of personality types: calm extroverts, anxious (or impulsive) extroverts, calm introverts, and anxious introverts.

Interestingly, this view of human nature is echoed all the way back in ancient Greece. The physicians Hippocrates and Galen famously proposed that our temperaments – and destinies – were a function of bodily fluids. Extra blood made people sanguine (calmly extroverted), yellow bile made them choleric (impulsively extroverted), phlegm made them phlegmatic (calmly introverted), and black bile made them melancholic (anxiously introverted.)

But if shyness and introversion are so different, why do we often link them, especially in the popular media?

The most important answer is that there’s a shared bias in our society against both traits. The mental state of a shy extrovert sitting quietly in a business meeting may be very different from that of a calm introvert – the shy person is afraid to speak up, while the introvert is simply overstimulated – but to the outside world, the two appear to be the same, and neither type is welcome. Studies show that we rank fast and frequent talkers as more competent, likable, and even smarter than slow ones.

Galen aside, poets and philosophers throughout history, like John Milton and Arthur Schopenhauer, have associated shyness with introversion. As the anthropologist C.A. Valentine once wrote,

“Western cultural traditions include a conception of individual variability which appears to be old, widespread, and persistent. In popular form this is the familiar notion of the man of action, practical man, realist, or sociable person as opposed to the thinker, dreamer, idealist, or shy individual. The most widely used labels associated with this tradition are the type designations extrovert and introvert.”

Were these sages flat out wrong? No. Psychologists have found that shyness and introversion do overlap (meaning that many shy people are introverted, and vice versa), though they debate to what degree. There are several reasons for this overlap. For one thing, some people are born with “high-reactive” temperaments that predispose them to both shyness and introversion. Also, a shy person may become more introverted over time; since social life is painful, she is motivated to discover the pleasures of solitude and other minimally social environments. And an introvert may become shy after continually receiving the message that there’s something wrong with him.

But shyness and introversion don't overlap completely, or even predominately. Recently, I published an op-ed in the New York Timeson the value of these two characteristics. It touched a chord in a readership hungry for this message. It quickly became the #1 most e-mailed article, and I received over a thousand heartfelt notes of thanks.

But some letter writers felt that the article conflated introversion with shyness and, as such, had misrepresented them. Though I did make a clear distinction in the piece between the two, these writers were correct that I moved on quickly, perhaps too quickly, to other subjects. I did this in part because of space constraints – if I had tried to explain everything I just outlined above (and even this post only scratches the surface of a highly complex topic) I would never have gotten to the real point – the importance of shyness and introversion in a society that disdains them.

Still, I understand why non-anxious introverts feel so frustrated when people treat them as if they’re shy. It’s inherently annoying to be misunderstood, to be told that you’re something that you’re not. Anyone who has walked down the street deep in thought and been instructed by a stranger to smile – as if he were depressed, rather than mentally engaged – knows how maddening this is.

Also, shyness implies submissiveness. And in a competitive culture that reveres alpha dogs, one-downsmanship is probably the most damning trait of all.

Yet this is where the shy and the introverted, for all their differences, have in common something profound. Neither type is perceived by society as alpha, and this gives both types the vision to see how alpha status is overrated, and how our reverence for it blinds us to things that are good and smart and wise.

For very different reasons, shy and introverted people might choose to spend their days in behind-the-scenes or "passive" pursuits like inventing, or studying, or holding the hands of the dying. Some take on official leadership positions, yet lead in a quiet way that allows their followers' light to shine through; a recent study found that this style is often more effective than the take-charge model.

These are not alpha roles, but the people who play them are role models all the same.

Thank you for a very nice blog post. I have also somewhat realized that shyness and introversion are different, but I feel about them differently. As a shy and introverted person, I have come to view my introversion as a character strength, but shyness as a weakness. It seems that my shyness is tied to an irrational fear of negative view of others and an underestimation of my own strength. It lead to paralyzing inner struggle on whether to talk or communicate with people. By shying away from interactions, I often create more serious misunderstanding by others towards me. It seems while shyness and introversion may both be part of my personality, I have no choice but to become less shy, or I will achieve less in life than I otherwise could have.

You're welcome! I think it's true that shyness can be very difficult to live with, though like everything it's a question of degree. A small amount of shyness wouldn't bother you much, I think -- it's when it's so extreme that it clouds out everything else that it can affect your interactions. I'm not sure where you live, but do you have access to a cognitive-behavioral therapist who might be able to work with you to change your negative thought patterns? (Just make sure it's someone who respects the value of your innate temperament.)

Thank you for the blog and article in The Times. As an introvert, I have been accused of being shy. And shy being considered some kind of sickness. Suffering from "anxiety" therapists have recommended SSRI's (ick!). I like who I am and don't need to change because others feel uncomfortable.

"But if shyness and introversion are so different, why do we often link them, especially in the popular media?"

This was a good informative read but I think shyness and introversion are not limited to popular as popular culture itself. I suffer (I hate that word) from what psychologist call AvPD and a lot of the roots of this "disorder" stem from being shy and introverted. To me me shyness is a perpetual fear of rejection whereas introversion is a limited ability to take any substantiated risks in life. I can see where they overlap but the two are in no way Siamese twins joined at the hip.

I am particularly shy around attractive, successful women and a lot of that goes back to the popular culture in that many men feel intimated about women in positions of power who make a decent income and can for the most part fend for themselves. May sound a little sexist but really it's not for I tend to avoid such women and even though that thinking is a bit warped and judgmental this is where the introversion comes in and makes it rational. In other words, if I don't take any risks in getting to know someone based solely on their career and financial status then there is no need to be shy around them in the first place if that made any sense.

Introversion itself (no matter the subtype) can be used as an adjustment/coping tool especially when one is in new and unfamiliar situations. Not everyone has to take on the role of "alpha dog" to get somewhere in life. There is nothing submissive to taking a back seat in social situations as long as one maintains a level of self respect in doing so.

Getting back to the pop culture much of what happens these days for what society rearguards as "extroverts" is based on success, beauty, income, material possessions and yes, attractiveness. The pop media props us and pedestals such individuals as the ideal for the rest of us not so fortunate to strive for. I think all it does is create a gap in one's character that if you're not wealthy, beautiful etc. there must be something wrong with you and psychologist, socialists fall into this B.S. and label these shortcomings as shyness or introversion. But that is another story.

Yet people who are not considered to be shy by pop culture standards are probably the most reserved individuals in the planet. I'm not surprised Babara Streisand has stage fright (Paul McCartney and Conan O'Brien have both gone on record numerous times stating the same thing) or that Bill Gates is not generally concerned of another's opinion about him. Both, as far as I can tell, can function fine with these traits even though the are not widely accepted by, again, our cultural norms.

Even though I made no sense whatsoever I find this subject an interesting read and going to have to look for this book.

I'm glad this post pointed out that shyness is sometimes a consequence of introversion--it's an overlooked point. If, from an early age, a person is asked to justify him- or herself in social situations simply for having a soft-spoken or low-key manner ("Why are you so quiet?" "What's the matter, don't you talk"), then discomfort and apprehension are completely understandable reactions. In a congenial setting, where differences are respected and welcomed, that same person might well thrive. Where there is trust and some old-fashioned courtesy, I think shyness is diminished. I'm sure these congenial situations exist, but it's not easy to find them, especially perhaps for younger people (on whom thoughtless comments can leave a deep impression)--when I was in school, for example, I never found parties, with all the loud music and the emphasis on heavy drinking, to be conducive to conversation and to getting to know people. I always had that "lonely in a crowd" feeling during social events that were supposed to be "fun." I actually think many such ordinary, taken-for-granted social practices (e.g., blaring music) create barriers to forming connections. Sometimes solitude really does seem more fulfilling.

I would consider myself to be fairy shy. I act very different in different situations. Around friends I'm talkative, act normal.
In public, sometimes with friends and more so when I'm alone with someone I know well, I raise my voice and am more talkative, control most of the conversation, I act fairy dominant. I have little trouble talking to strangers, and sometimes do it for fun.

However in groups of people I do not know that well I'm mostly quiet, this is especially the case at school/college classes. I notice it's the worst when there are dominant people. Whenever I feel uncomfortabele like in class, I get quiet.

This makes it so that I'm labeled as introvert a lot. While I do have some introvert traits, I consider myself a extrovert.

Can't see if you're serious. But yeah it sucks doesn't it?
Some people treat you like your an fuckin' alien. When I talked about it with a teacher he called me insecure.

You need to change your mindset. Stop giving a fuck. It's only after I got depressed I learned to do that. Still there's times that I cannot seem to do that and shyness takes over.

It has it's advantages on a personality level. It has made me mysterious which girls seem to like a lot, and others seem to be intimidated and respect me. While shyness restrains me from really taking opportunity from those advantages, I probably would have turned into a total fuckin' bore if I wasn't.

I think being shy makes the journey much more difficult, but I also believe you can come much futher. It does suck at times, but you'll have to live with it.

I find it disturbing that introverts are so quick to deny being "shy". As if there's something wrong with it. They get dumped on by extroverts, so they then have to dump on the next socially unacceptable label, i.e. shyness.

I think that's a rgreat point. Shyness itself is no fun, but it often springs from a sensitive temperament that has a lot of advantages and admirable features. Also, during my book research, I noticed -- as you suggest -- that many introverts who are clearly also shy were quick to deny shyness, because it's even more stigmatized than introversion. (On the other hand, there really are plenty of introverts who are not the least bit shy.)

I enjoyed the article quite a bit, and I was pleased to see someone pointing out how shy and introverted aren't one and the same. It made quite a bit of sense to me since I can easily apply it to my own life. A close friend and co-worker of mine is a total introvert - he isn't shy in the least, he just prefers solitude and whathaveyou. I, on the other hand, am most certainly shy. I hate going up to new people, despise crowds, and fear having to face strangers alone (especially in new places!). Yet for some reason, everyone tends to label us both as shy. My friend has literally no anxiety or fear when it comes to people, he just hates us all equally!I guess it's understandable how the behavior/attitudes might seem to be the same thing if you aren't an introvert or shy yourself, though. I don't mind being shy all that much. I guess it's all in how you look at it - I certainly don't see shy as a bad thing, simply different. Shyness has made me cautious, observant, and more loyal/giving with those who've made it past that caution.

Being shy does not have to be a bad thing. The most important thing in life is to be yourself. If that means being shy, then be shy. If you feel that being shy is getting in the way of achieving life goals and you want to work on that, there are several exercises available to you. It's vital not to pressure yourself to not be shy. Growing is a slow, but rewarding process. My practice focuses on achieving goals and being positive. Schedule a session with me today and see your life slowly improve. Looking forward to hearing from you.

An excellent read. The comment about societal judgements creating shyness in a naturally introverted personality really resonated with me.

I was shy as a child/teenager/young adult; I however have developed into a calm introvert. As a middle-aged (just) intelligent person who understands who I am and how society's judgements on personality traits really is wrong I now couldn't give two hoots what others think of me. There is nothing wrong with being shy. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. There is nothing wrong with being an extrovert. Although not being shy makes for a much easier life ;-)
What is important is that people respect others' differences.

When your relationship ends, the pleasure and reward chemicals plummet, leaving you miserable and hopeless; you are an addict without her drug. Your brain is waiting for another "up" that will not arrive.