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Month: June 2017

Whether you’ve already started dating after divorce, or you’re about to take the plunge, chances are good you’re going to be tempted to give in to three behaviors that will sabotage either your ability to move on from your marriage, or seriously reduce the chance you’ll find a wonderful new man. Here are three post-divorce dating dangers and how you can avoid them:1. Thinking all guys are like your ex. Trusting a new man once you’ve been hurt by your ex-husband is difficult. Yet, if you don’t get rid of this distrust toward men it will destroy your chance of finding someone new. This distrust often shows up in online dating profiles when you say things like “no head games,” or “no dishonest men.” When you write those things in your profile, you’re broadcasting on a billboard that you’ve been hurt and that you’re distrustful.You’ll scare away the men who have it together because they’ll recognize your distrust immediately. And most of the men who really do play head games or are dishonest haven’t admitted to themselves that they possess these massive flaws … this makes it likely that they aren’t going to stay away from you just because you ask them to in your profile. And when you do get into a relationship after divorce, even if the guy is faithful to you and is madly in love with you, you may not believe anything he says.This can happen because in the back of your mind, you’ll have this ongoing chorus playing: “All men are just like my ex-husband. All men cheat. All men fall out of love and break up with you.” It plays like a country song accompanied by an out-of-tune guitar. Replace that chorus with something more melodious, something like: “I’m having a lot of fun getting to know my new man (or my date) and finding out what good qualities he has.” With each man you meet, you want to start with a clean slate. Look at him as an individual. Notice all the ways your new man or date is different from your ex-husband. If you’re still having difficulties trusting men after divorce simply by using your logic, One must find ways to dispel that distrust.2. Getting involved in a rebound relationship. If you’re lonely after your divorce, it’s easy to get involved with someone new before you’re truly ready to move on. But how do you know whether that new relationship is the real thing or whether you’re simply on the rebound? First, ask yourself if the person you’re with has the qualities you’d want in a long-term partner. Do you have lots in common with this person? Or is the physical attraction blinding you to how wrong you really are for each other?

Another question to ask: Am I happy alone even without a man in my life? If the answer is yes, then you’re ready to get involved in a new relationship. But if the only reason you’re getting involved in a new relationship is because you can’t stand to be alone, then your new relationship may indeed be a rebound relationship. As you heal from your divorce and think about the lessons you learned from it, your new relationship can be transformed from a rebound relationship to a real relationship, as long as it’s based on more than just physical attraction.3. Unintentionally holding onto baggage. None of us are blank sheets of paper. We have all been hurt in the past. The key is to find ways to release the baggage so it doesn’t get stuck inside of you. In fact, much of the time, you’re probably not even aware of your baggage.It’s time to start having an internal dialogue with yourself. Did you spend enough time alone after your divorce to really think about what caused the collapse of your marriage? While your ex-husband likely played a part, did you have any destructive habits? Blame is one of the most common destructive habits I’ve seen in couples. We want to blame our significant others for the way we feel. But our emotions have our nametags on them. We own them. Rather than telling our partners “You’re making me angry,” it’s much better to say, “When you did X, Y, or Z, I didn’t feel so good. I felt really uncomfortable.”Whether it’s avoiding blame or any other relationship-sabotaging factors, is there anything you could do differently in a new relationship to stop it from going the way of your marriage? It’s only when you answer this question that you can say goodbye to your baggage and hello to a wonderful new relationship

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

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How ready are you to date? A lot of people think being ‘ready’ means ready to get attention, have companionship, get sex, an ego stroke – ready to jump back in the saddle. However, being ready to date, which prepares you for being ready for a relationship is actually about being mentally and emotionally ready. In this quiz, find out your dating readiness. The more you agree with, the readier you are.

I’m over my ex and am no longer emotionally invested in them.

No seriously, I’m not holding out a secret hope that we’ll get back together. Oh, and I don’t have any other exes lurking around.

I believe that a loving, healthy relationship with mutual love, care, trust and respect is out there for me.

There are still a lot of good people to date.

I trust myself and I’m OK with acting in my own best interests even if it may hurt a little.

I am aware of my boundaries and red flag behavior and if I were to encounter someone that overstepped my boundaries and/or exhibited red flag behavior, I would know what to do.

I know that sex and love are not the same thing.

I have a reasonable level of trust and am not controlled by my fears. In fact, I am actively working on addressing any issues that have previously affected me in relationships.

I can mentally and emotionally cope with someone not reciprocating my interest or dates not working out.

If there’s stuff that you disagreed with, take it as a signal to dig deep within and be aware that if you proceed to date anyway without addressing them, you need to own your part in what results. While agreeing with the above doesn’t mean ‘Shazam!’, your perfect partner is going to fall out of the sky, you will be far less likely to fall into any old habits and you’ll ultimately be taking care of you. Read on for the ‘answers’

I’m over my ex and am no longer emotionally invested in them.

This is a major part of dating readiness. If you are not over your ex you are unavailable and will end up passing time with people, messing them around, flip flapping in indecision, and expecting them to do the emotional work of getting you over your ex.

It’s a bit like – If you’re that great a person, you’ll get me over my ex.

Don’t go there.

If you date to feel better, you’ll probably feel worse after the initial high of attention. You’ll also spend too much time comparing and contrasting and in reality, you just can’t be emotionally present.

Don’t use dating to avoid working your way through the loss of the relationship. Deal with your feelings – good, bad, and indifferent. Also live by the same values you’d expect from others – this isn’t an experience you’d want to be on the receiving end of.

No seriously, I’m not holding out a secret hope that we’ll get back together. Oh, and I don’t have any other exes lurking around.

A lot of people, especially Unavailables, are afraid of finality and this can also be a part of a general commitment resistance. When you break up, it’s best to take it that it’s ‘done’ so that you don’t languish in limbo putting your life on hold and delaying processing your feelings.

Without committing to your relationship being over, you are trying to keep your options open, which is unfair to others you may become involved with.

The world doesn’t need Yet Another Person flip flapping around in the dating pool trying to get the fringe benefits of a relationship without the relationship and without the intimacy.

Unavailable people often have a lot of ‘loose ends’ in their lives and some of these ex’s boomerang in and out like bad pennies. Shed the dead weight, put boundaries in place so that you can be genuinely available for a new relationship.

Also, never give someone license to dip in and out of your life.

I believe that a loving, healthy relationship with mutual love, care, trust and respect is out there for me.

Positive beliefs are fundamental to your mentality, attitude, and breaking any previous negative relationship patterns. This is because what you believe is what you predict will happen, is how you will act accordingly, is how you’ll end up catering to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Believing you can love again shows a great deal of faith but will also have you less interested in people who fit a negative belief. Believing you can’t and that it’s not out there for you, means that you’ll be distrusting and/or likely to resign yourself to shady relationships. You’ll go about your merry way getting on with your life instead of feeling down and desperate to prove yourself wrong in a wrong relationship.

There are still a lot of good people to date.

Again, it’s about having faith in the fact that there are plenty of living, breathing, decent people out there to date.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re a relatively decent person – you’re not alone, other people have loved, lost, made mistakes, and not found a loving relationship…yet.

If you believe the decent ones are gone, you’re saying ‘Sod it. I must resign myself to dating assclowns’. It’s a cop out that you’re using to legitimize the fact that you’re not prepared to get uncomfortable.

I trust myself and I’m OK with acting in my own best interests even if it may hurt a little.

Trusting yourself is a sign of a reasonable level of self-esteem. In fact, if you can’t date with your self-esteem in tow, don’t bother until you can.

When we don’t trust others it’s because we don’t trust ourselves.

If you like and love yourself, you’ll trust you instead of treating you like an enemy and putting others on pedestals with blind love and trust. If you’re going to do this dating thing, you need to be prepared to act and sometimes make decisions and opt out of situations even though your libido, your imagination, and your ego may say otherwise.

I’m aware of my boundaries and red flag behavior and if I were to encounter someone that busts and flags these, I would know what to do.

Before you go on another date and get yourself invested up to the hilt, be aware of what you are prepared to accept in your relationships (boundaries) and the no-go areas (red flags) that signal that you must opt out and step away from the light.

People who don’t know or use their boundaries and red flags analyze the crapola out of things. They rationalize and project all sorts of excuses on it or they deny the existence or extent of the issue – this is dangerous. They don’t know when to fold and instead of registering what the information means about the person and possibilities for a relationship, they turn it into ‘What did I do to make them this way?’ or ‘What can I do to fix this?’

I know that sex and love are not the same thing.

Say it with me – Sex without the intimacy, care, trust, respect and love, is just sex.

Don’t get it twisted and if you can’t have sex without thinking they love you or that it must mean you’re committed, I’d put yourself on lock down or re-evaluate your sexual values and boundaries.

I have a reasonable level of trust and am not controlled by my fears. In fact, I am actively working on addressing any issues that have previously affected me in relationships.

Dating is a discovery phase where you get the opportunity to find out more about them and determine whether you want to move forward. You need to go in with a reasonable level of trust and increase it as you get signals of trustworthiness or roll it back when you don’t.

If you’re ruled by fear, it will be a dramatic, insecure interaction and you may end up sabotaging a potential relationship or being with someone that reflects your fears. Know the difference between internal and external factors that are triggering your fears.

Make sure you have been addressing your fears and any other issues for a while before you start dating again, because if you do it too soon and you get your fingers burned, it may set you back.

I can mentally and emotionally cope with someone not reciprocating my interest or dates not working out.

Dates don’t work out for all sorts of reasons and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Sometimes two people just don’t vibe or it becomes clear that they want different things.

To be able to date with your self-esteem, you need to have awareness and have cleared the smoke so you can smell the BS. If you don’t, you will take it personal when even the most minor of interactions don’t work out.

Slow your roll – Especially when you either didn’t make it to a date or you only went on a few dates, you don’t know them enough to have so many hopes and dreams that it will take you a disproportionate amount of time to get over them.

If you don’t know someone very well and have been on no more than a few dates, more of your energy needs to be in reality than in your imagination.

Dating can be fun, but there is a level of ‘rejecting’ and ‘rejection’ to be experienced and the reality is that you won’t be going anywhere fast if you must go through a big recovery process after every interaction. It’s pivotal to have a good sense of self that remains intact instead of taking knocks with every interaction.

You’re not made of stone and it’s OK to feel disappointed but don’t get hijacked by the disappointment and end up in mourning over every person that enters your life, no matter how briefly. Keep putting yourself out there – you live to love again. Your future doesn’t rest on any one of these people.

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

Like this:

I’ll admit to getting stuck in a negative feedback loop where I had lots of trouble with shutting down my thoughts about an ex in the past. Maybe you can relate.

Wouldn’t you want to know how to stop thinking about your ex? I sure did. I wished that my thoughts of her would just fade, but I am stubborn and was obsessed. It seemed like everywhere I went, there were reminders. The jokes we told. The places we went. The things we bought together. All the bonding experiences. Sad breakup songs. Everything.

And it was over.

I wondered how she was. I thought about calling and/or texting. I fantasized that she might realize what a huge mistake she made (I thought) and come running back. I was wasting time living in the past, hoping for a relationship that just didn’t seem to be re-materializing, no matter how much wishing and hoping I did.

The days turned into months, and I realized she wasn’t coming back, but that didn’t seem to stop my incessant thoughts about her. That’s what drove me to come up with this game plan to finally get the obsessive thoughts of her gone for good.

Clear Out Your Environment

Get a friend or family member to help if you’re feeling weak and not quite ready to completely clear the decks. Go through your house and find everything that they gave you or that strongly reminds you of them. Grab everything within reason, but clear it out as well as you can. If you’re feeling strong, donate or toss. If you’re not sure, box up the most tender items and give them to a friend to keep for you until later. Set aside everything that still belongs to your ex.

It is also helpful to rearrange your furniture and declutter. If you make a visible change to your environment, it will leave a “changed” input on yourself conscious that will help you mark the end of the relationship.

While you’re clearing out your environment, you’re clearing a path to stop thinking about your ex. Once you finish this step, the anchors in your environment which remind you of them will be gone, replaced with a fresh slate. This is so powerful, and people are most tempted to skip this step, but it’s one of the most important.

Tie Up Loose Ends

Next, it’s time to take the items that still belong to your ex and make concrete plans to give them back. If the items are small, postal mail is a nice way to do it. That way you get to mail it off and it’s done without dealing with your ex or ripping the wound open by seeing them. If you can’t afford it or the items are large and numerous, then your next options are thus:

A. Call them and have them pick up the items – This is a tough one, since you’re relying on them to show up, follow instructions, heed your wishes, etc. This can be a tough bargain with an ex, especially one who you aren’t getting along with. This is not recommended.

B. Beg a friend to drop the items off – This is an option for the sheepish and heartbroken.

C. Call them and arrange a time to drop their items off – The nice part about this is that you don’t have to worry about whether they will show up, let you down, turn up late or any other nonsense. If they aren’t there when you get there, you can leave the items.

If they won’t respond to your communication, you have several options. You can notify them via text or mail that if they don’t collect their stuff within 30 days, you are going to donate everything or sell it. You can drop the items off anyway. Whatever you do, you must do something with their stuff to get it resolved and out of your life.

By far, the best thing to do is to handle it head on. Get the items to their zone, and get it over with.

If you do the call and wait option, you’re on the hook for whenever (if ever) they want to parachute into your life. Be proactive so that you can get past this. If the whole point is to get them off your mind, waiting for them to come deal with their stuff is not the way to do it.

Also, deal with your joint bank accounts, get them to forward their mail if you both lived together, get all the loose ends tied up that you can.

If you’re working with lawyers, do what you can to get the process moving along more smoothly. If you’re in the way of progress when it comes to custody or the court, rethink your position. Do whatever steps you can that smooth out the transition from your end. If you’re holding onto something of theirs, release it. You don’t need it anymore.

Delete Them from Your Social Media

I debated about whether to make this its own separate step or simply put it under “loose ends.” I made it separate because having reminders of your ex available over social media 24/7 is such a pervasive thing. Social media updates, cyber stalking and the ramifications of a breakup over social media, drives people to distraction so often that it deserves its own article.

Go to all the social media outlets you use, and clean out your ex. Do a full sweep of all your photos, “unfriend,” “unfollow,” etc. Go out of your way to delete all traces of them. Even if the service makes it difficult. Even if you worry that you’ll be hurting their feelings. Even if you have pictures where you’re both tagged together. Doing this will reduce the tendency to obsess, be thrown into a tail-spin every time you see something from them, wonder when they’re going to delete you, etc. Do it all.

This way you aren’t tempted to cyber stalk them in moments of weakness or send them telepathic status updates. Just clear them out the same way you did with their stuff. Don’t concern yourself with what they think, what your friends and family think, what your dog thinks. This is about getting your life and your sanity back. You need to erase all reminders of them from your life. If you aren’t feeling strong, remember that you can always re-add them later if there is some huge new development. For now, delete all.

Talk About Your Breakup Incessantly For 7 Days

Talk about her until you’re sick of hearing yourself for the next week. Give it a full 7 days of non-stop discussion of all things breakup. Wallow. Do it.

Asking people to stop obsessing cold turkey just doesn’t work. You need the floodgates to open so that you can shut them. Go at it, with the solid resolve that you’ll completely stop discussing them after the week is up. To stop thinking about them, you’ll need to stop talking about them, but first, get it all out.

Put an End to All Discussion

After the week is up, announce to your friends and family that you no longer want to hear about your ex or discuss her anymore. Tell them that you really appreciate their support so far and you are making the steps to move on so you would appreciate if they wouldn’t mention her at all. Tell them you don’t want updates about how your ex is doing either, if the friends are mutual.

If they slip up, change the subject gracefully. They have supported you tirelessly up until this point, remember. Your ex has become “your news.” Since you’re working on refreshing your news, be compassionate. If they’re just hoping for gossip and going on and on, distance yourself from them for now while you make changes. Eventually all mention of your ex will cease driving you crazy.

Do A Little Ceremony

After the seven days are up and you’ve told your friends and family that the ex-topic is over, it’s time to do a little ceremony that symbolizes moving into a new chapter in your life. You can burn a few pictures of the two of you together, like on friends, or you can simply burn candles and think about the start of your shiny new life. Use your creativity, but whatever you do, the point is to signify that a new beginning has arrived.

Get Yourself a Rubber Band and A Stop Sign

Each time that your ex pops into your head, picture a big red stop sign and snap a rubber band on your wrist. I particularly like using one of those rubber bracelets for a cause, this way you’re stylish, support a good cause AND getting over her at the same time. You’ll feel silly, and this is the point, but stick with it. If you have to, say “Stop” right out loud. Immediately focus on something else.

Use The 3×5 Method for Stubborn Thought Patterns

If you’re having trouble with only using your stop sign and rubber band, every time your ex pops into your mind, center yourself using the 3×5 exercise:

1. Notice 3 things that are currently seeing visually.

2. Notice 3 things that you are currently hearing.

3. Notice 3 things you smell.

4. Notice how 3 things you are touching feel.

5. Notice 3 things you taste.

Once you’ve done this, it’s hard to be anything except centered in your own body. Use this reboot whenever you’re lost in the past. It’s a good way to snap your consciousness right back into the present.

Maintenance

At some point in the past, before you knew your ex, you didn’t think about her. That sounds glib and obvious, but it’s not. It’s easy to get stuck on the idea that your life will never, ever be okay again. This is simply not true. Remember that all of this will take time and practice. You can’t do these nine steps and then magically have the clouds lift without some work.

Remember that this is your opportunity to use your breakup to recreate an amazing life. You’ve been given the chance to start over with a fresh slate. This is scary sometimes, but a rare opportunity to do the things that you love and might have neglected while you were coupled up. If you ever felt stifled in your relationship (and who doesn’t, on occasion), you have a fresh new start.

If your feelings about your ex go beyond this level, or your life feels like it’s falling apart, it might be time to see a therapist or consider your options that way. Don’t let this breakup be the defining action of your life.

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share