Script

This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. The news made for students, by students.

Jimmy

Welcome to S-super School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer.

Cartman

And I'm Rick Cartman.

Jimmy

The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.

Cartman

Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.

Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.

Stan

Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now, that's traditionally a uh-a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah-ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?

Cartman

[serious pose] ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities?

Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.

Butters

Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now and ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh, about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih-ih-turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.

Cartman

All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.

Butters

[over a speaker] Will do.

Jimmy

More snow for South P... P-P-Park. Here's Token Black with the weather.

Token

[in front of a weather map] Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys?

Cartman

Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.

Kyle

[at a small desk, for Sports] Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson started crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit.

Cartman

Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.

Jimmy

And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh- [lilts] Ehehehehe [normal] El-Elementary.

Stan

[returning from the kitchen to serve as cameraman] And we're... cut! [turns off the camera]

Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing.

Mr. Meryl

I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay. [walks off]

Cartman

...You're gay!

Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. The boys are seated for lunch: Jimmy, Butters, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Token. Other kids are there as well.

Butters

[his head resting on his right hand] Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.

Stan

Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.

Whistlin' Willy

[approaches the table] Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? [begins to whistle]

Cartman

Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood.

Whistlin' Willy

[enthusiastically] If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. [whistles] Come on! [whistles some more, then stops. The boys whistle back, but slowly and flatly] There you go! [sets the pizza down on the table and leaves]

Cartman

[softly] God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park.

Stan

[look at Cartman, but notices someone else] Hey, look, Craig just walked in. [Craig enters to cheers from the other kids in the restaurant and waves back to them. Several kids take pictures of Craig]

Bradley

Yeah!

Kid 1

Hey look, it's Craig!

Kevin

Hey, Craig, over here!

Kyle

Geez, all that from a stupid video show.

Craig

[sees the other boys and addresses them] Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled.

Cartman

Go play with yourself, Craig.

Craig

Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows.

Stan

Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! [holds up a fist with thumb and index finger just a centimeter apart]

Craig

[throws the gesture back at Stan] This much more than you had!

Craig walks off with his fans. They head to Willy's VIP Lounge, which is just a large corner booth. A waiter guards access to the lounge and Craig approaches.

Craig

Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! [the other kids cheer and the waiter opens the lounge. The kids pour into place, including Kenny.]

Kenny

(Woohoo!)

Cartman

[catches up to Kenny] Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?!

Kenny

(Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.)

Cartman

You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that! We've always been supercool to you! [Kenny flashes back to Cartman gloating about their news show]

"Hahahahahaaahaaa! We're gonna do a news show, and you can't do it with us, because you are too poo-oor, and poor people don't watch the new-oos! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!"

[The flashback ends] Ah whatever, Kenny! [walks away]

Craig

Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle, close-up animals. [the kids cheer again. Clyde walks up and takes the tape from Craig]

Clyde

[excitedly runs towards the video wall] Put it, put it up on the, monitors! [puts the tape into the player and more close-up footage of animals is shown]

Kids

Cuuute. [a kitten's face is shown] Super cuuute.

Kyle

[turns back to the table] Gah, I just don't get it.

Token

Wow, those animals are pretty cute.

Stan

Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better!

Kyle

Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, they'll let us stay on the air!

Butters

Well, what are we waitin' for?!

Stan

Come on, guys! [the boys leave]

Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the table. Stan paces the floor.

Stan

All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show.

Kyle

How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.

Cartman

It should be Sexy News.

Token

Action News!

Stan

Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.

Kyle

Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.

Cartman

Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting.

Butters

Hey, yeah. Uh why I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.

Cartman

Nice, Butters, write that down!

Butters

[enunciates each word as he writes it] Lie about celebrities.

Stan

We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders...

Cartman

And panda bears for the preschoolers.

Stan

Good!

Kyle

Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.

Token

Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.

Butters

Oh, boy!

Jimmy

Fellas, are you sure all of this is eh-ethical?

Cartman

We're in fourth grade, Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means.

Stan

All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories!

Butters

Sexy Action School News Team, ho! [the boys leave their seats and head out the doors. Cartman stops Token]

Cartman

Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? [takes Token by the arm and walks him away from the door] Look, Token, I-I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.

Token

Huh?

Cartman

You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha-, how should I say... white. [Sees that Token isn't following] Token, all the great African-Americans news people have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings.

Announcer

This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now, [dramatic fanfare] Time with the Sexy Action School News! [a splashy logo appears with a small explosion behind the logo, then a female silhouette walking across the screen behind the words]

Cartman

Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls!

Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.

Raisins Girls

Woowhoowoo!

Cartman

And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.

Token

[deeper, whiter voice] No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead. [grins and points his index fingers at the camera]

Jimmy

The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up-

Cartman

[rudely interrupting] Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the dish on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle?

Kyle

[at a different, flashier desk] Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman [his picture is shown], pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner [her picture is shown] stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.

Cartman

[cracks up with laughter, then holds up a finger] One testicle! [pounds the desk and laughs] What an asshole! [a short jingle is heard]

Token

Uh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! [circus music plays as panda-suited mascots and the other reporters join Token in the weather area and dance. A pulsating logo appears]

Cartman

Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity watch, with Butters.

Jimmy

[dismayed] This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr-tr-travesty.

Student Conference Room 1-F.

Cartman

All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle.

Stan

Then, let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.

Token

That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.

Jimmy

[walks into the room with a tape] Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show. [the boys look at Cartman]

Cartman

Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got skidmarks Monday.

Jimmy

But this is real news!

Cartman

It's boring news, Jimmy.

Jimmy

How do you know?! You you haven't s-seen it yet!

Cartman

All right, tell me about it.

Jimmy

Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-

Cartman

[yawns loudly] Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Jimmy

Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school!

Stan

No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want.

Kyle

We're making the news more appealing to students.

Jimmy

This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibility to bring students the fa... the facts! [begins to walk around the table] Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-news reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? [Cartman then yawns loudly again]

Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department.

Mr. Meryl

Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers!

The Boys

All right! Woohoo! Awesome! [the boys give each other hugs all around and shake hands]

Stan

I knew we could do it!

Kyle

We beat Close-up Animals!

Cartman

Oh man, this is so great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! [hugs Butters]

Mr. Meryl

Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show. [the boys continue cheering, then stop and look at Mr. Meryl]

Stan

Craig's new show?

Mr. Meryl

All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look. [clicks Play. The boys turn around to look at the monitor. The animals on display now are wearing hats, but it's the same show as before otherwise.] That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He's like... an idea machine.

Butters

Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled?

Mr. Meryl

I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are!

Stan

Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.

Mr. Meryl

Yes. [begins to rock in his seat] And I guess your best wasn't good enough. [shows them the door]

In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behind them.

Stan

[stunned] I don't believe it.

Cartman

I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade!

Butters

Stupid news hair! [He removes his wig and kicks it away.]

Jimmy

Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.

Kyle

Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig.

Stan

Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever!

Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence.

Kyle

What if we do a show where we- [stops] Uh, no.

Cartman

How about we have us, um... hmmm.

Stan

Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas?

Butters

Well, how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us?

Token

We did that!

Jimmy

Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.

Stan

Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! [time passes. Stan begins to pace the floor again] How about we do... a show... with us... ughhh.

Kyle

Uhhh. What if the-?

Cartman

Wait, I've got it. [the boys turn and look at him] Crab people.

Stan

Crab people?

Cartman

They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground.

Stan

[looks at Cartman, then gets annoyed] Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people.

Butters

I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies.

Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time." [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh.

Cartman

How about we do a show where we kill Butters? [time marches on and the boys get sleepy, except for Butters]

Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine!

Token

Cough medicine?

Kyle

That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.

South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle.

Butters

Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.

Kyle

How do we know which one to use?

Stan

Cartman

That sounds perfect.

Jimmy

B-b-bingo!

Pharmacist

Can I help you boys?

Stan

Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.

Pharmacist

Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.

Kyle

It's not?

Pharmacist

No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.

Kyle

Oh, okay.

Pharmacist

Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.

Jimmy

Wha-what do you think, fellas?

Stan

I guess we'll just take all of 'em.

Pharmacist

That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave waiting for the pharmacist]

Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup.

Kyle

[handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise.

Butters

[Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Eww, it's all thick and g-gooey.

Cartman

[taps at his notepad several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.

Kyle

Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle how has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right?

Jimmy

[appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it.

Cartman

[appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas?

Butters

Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.

Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an animated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys.

Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Stan speak to him in weird altered voices.

Cartman

Oh dude, I just got the best idea!

Kyle

Me too. [they quickly write their ideas down in their notepads]

Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown.

Butters

Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [Butters rips off his clothes and wig and runs away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.]

Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in armchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy.

Cartman

Dude, this TV show is awesome.

Stan

It's... it's the greatest show of all time.

Kyle

I could watch this for days. [They are watching Craig's show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats]

The Boys

[without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute.

Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters is still in his underwear with his head on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around.

Stan

You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused]

Kyle

Ah!

Butters

Huh?

Kyle

Butters, get away from me!

Butters

[looks down at his body] Oh J-Jesus, where are my clothes?!

Stan

We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.

Cartman

I-I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys]

Kyle

I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.

Stan

You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.

Token

[still groggy] Yeah. It was great.

Stan

No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine!

Kyle

Jesus, you may be right.

Jimmy

Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives!

Announcer

This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a shot of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here is Rick Cartman!

Cartman

[camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Coochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse.

Stan

[voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a shot of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise with his iconic yelp and running away] Behind the school! [a shot of the Goth kids downing cough medicine]

Red Goth

Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!

Stan

Even in the girls' bathroom! [a shot of Bebe and Red in the restroom viewed through an air vent. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent]

Bebe

[approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there?! I'll tell on you!

Stan

[a shot of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal!

Principal Victoria

Oh my goodness!

Jimmy

P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fai-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.

Principal Victoria

Well I... we...

Kyle

[steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a shot of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest]

Token

The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula.

Cartman

And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch.

Butters

[from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uh, I'll keep my eyes open.

Stan

The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: riddled their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a shot of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze]

Mr. Meryl's office, later.

Mr. Meryl

Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings!

Kyle

Twenty-two people?! All right!

Craig

[enters and moves past the other boys] You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?

Mr. Meryl

Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly.

Stan

[knowingly] Gee, what a coincidence.

Jimmy

I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?

Mr. Meryl

You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically. [Craig's jaw drops.]

Cartman

[gleefully] Haha! In your face, Craig!

Mr. Meryl

You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it!

Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at the table once again, sitting in silence.

Stan

Nobody has any ideas?

Cartman

This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head. [Token and Kyle sit across from him with no ideas either]

Kyle

Dude, bail?

Cartman

...I think bail.

Stan

...Bail. [everyone leaves the table]

Jimmy

Yep, b-b-b-bail. [the room is empty as the door closes off-camera.]

The last scenes are that of "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats"