Life from a half century viewpoint

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Monthly Archives: January 2015

When we sit in solitude sometimes we reflect on things, people, and situations that took place in our lives. In and during those times, we often wonder how or why things go wrong and sadly sometimes we may; and hopefully realize, we are own our own worst enemy. It is important to recognize that there are things that are out of our control; things imposed upon us. However, there are many things and events that we do have a say in and instead of being proactive, we are instead reactive; thus, causing us to be the architect of your own destruction. We sometimes absorb situations instead of filtering through them to see what’s worth our heightened emotional state and by doing this, we create a shade of grey in our lives that cause us to continually be on shaky ground. When in this state, everything becomes an issue, we find ourselves in combat not just with others, but ourselves, which only perpetuates, the weakness. When we are more rational, we are more able to discern the cause and effect of a situation and be less likely to be reactive and maintain our emotional alignment. That is why it’s so important to build foundations that are on firm ground in order to endure the many tests life will through at you. And on this ground, it’s easier to withstand the chaos than succumb to it.

Life is an ebb and flow and how we receive and deliver can be the major difference to how we go with the current. Yes, it’s sometimes very necessary to be the salmon swimming upstream and there are times where it’s not and we’re simply just being dramatic. Mastering our environment may sound like a laborious task, but it’s not. It’s essential for ones well-being and something that can be handled simply by weighing what’s important against who and what isn’t. The Biblical proverb of building ones house on solid ground is equal to the fable of the Three Pigs simply said somewhat differently.

No trade-true architect would recommend any structure build on unstable ground, so why would you build your life, which is considered a Temple on such?

Blu

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On Monday, I assisted my soon-to-be stepson achieve his first grade assignment for Martin Luther King Day. He had to do an act of kindness of which he was adamant about not doing. His father and I, at separate times, told him that it was an important thing to do; not just because it was his assignment, but because kindness is important. I told My Love that his son has books that he’s outgrown for his reading level and should sort through them and I’d take him to find a place to donate them. The books were sorted through and we ventured out. On the ride, I explained that there are children who do not have the luxuries he has and that when kindness is extended, it makes one feel good knowing that they’ve helped another. I further explained that each day, whether we realize it or not, someone does something nice for us. He seemed to get it.

I pulled into the parking lot of a local church and we went in; books in tow. I explained why we were there and the ladies thought it was a lovely gesture and explained to my Stepson that his actions were greatly appreciated and the books would get good use at the church. The lady wrote a letter to my Stepson’s school explaining his act and how much it was appreciated. Lesson learned…at least I hope it was anyway.

Sadly, many children are no longer taught the importance of acts of kindness. So many are spoiled and overindulged to the point of hedonism and narcissism. They expect things to be given to them at will and without challenge. This is a sad state of affairs for them, their parents, and their future lives if this behaviour is not corrected.

When Lil Lady was small, I saw early on that she was blessed with a compassionate heart and I nurtured and encouraged it. On one of her first trips to New York City, she was fascinated by the many sights and sounds surrounding her, but the thing that stood out the most, was how she reacted to the people she saw. She sized them up, she inquired about their varied appearances, and was take aback by the homeless. She inquired and I explained that sometimes things happen to people and they have to live on the streets and beg for food or other items to make it through the day. I bought fruit from a street vendor as we passed a homeless person and we carried on our way. On the trip back to Port Authority, she asked if she could buy more fruit, but give it to the homeless person we saw. I explained that he might not be there, but on our next trip she could buy two pieces of fruit and give one away. She was quite happy with that and from henceforth, that’s something she did. A mother’s heart exploded with joy for her daughters compassion. This practice went on for many years and also carried on to helping with the Angel Tree at the church we were then attending. The requirement was to pick a name and then fill a shoe box with small items we thought a child would like. This, I was told, I was not allowed to help with. A little bit of her birthday money was saved and it went toward the shoe box. Of course, I contributed where necessary, but the selection and packing was all her. Again, lessons learned!

Suffice it to say, if we do not install these practices not just in ourselves, but in our children, we can’t expect them to take acts of kindness seriously. Personally, I strive to give back as much as I can be items donated, a small sum of money, or my time. My Love and I discussed ways we could volunteer as a family and individuals. I’ve found an organization that collects donated items for families in need and we’re going to aid once a month is sorting through donated items and prepare them for said families. I’ve decided I want to be a part of Girls Inc. in order to help young girls. I’m not sure what My Love will find to do, but I’ll help him find something.

As we look at our lives, let us not forget how we got to where we are. Let us recognize and realize, many acts of kindness was a part of that journey. And once you’ve looked back, I hope you’ll find ways to perform your acts of kindness whenever you can.

I came across this site and it warmed my heart greatly. May it serve as an inspiration to you also.

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First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

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I happened upon this post as a ‘pingback’ to one I’d written some time ago. In reading this post, I can’t say I disagree with what the author has stated. Sadly, we coexist in a society where we’re habitually disconnected in spite of how much technology can allegedly keep us connected.

Read and see if you don’t find yourself agreeing. If you’re reading yourself in this post, maybe it’s time to rethink how you communicate.

Remember this…”(real) communication kills assumption”. If you can’t read, understand, or interpret the nuance, emoji, or text speak, then assumption is going to win hands down. It’s past time to reconnect in a human way.

DAILY PROMPTReady, Set, DoneOur free-write is back by popular demand: today, write about anything — but you must write for exactly ten minutes, no more, no less.

Can we talk? No, I mean really talk? Have a conversation, put our phones down, look each other in the face (eye contact might be too much) and talk?

Cause it seems to me we’ve forgotten how to communicate on the most basic level.

We have become a superficial society of acquaintances communicating in 140 characters and anonymous Likes on Facebook. Our kids are growing up unable to interpret simple nuances, expressions of subtle body language, or the tone of ones voice. One-on-one social interaction has become uncomfortable and outdated.

We’ve given our kids cell phones 24/7 on the pretense of keeping them safe, but if we were honest with ourselves, convenience was the real reason. Convenient…

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It’s been four months since I last posted anything and while I have about 87.3 entirely legitimate reasons for my absence, I’m not happy about it.

Life events have a way to disrupting ones routine and said disruption has shown me why routine is not always a good thing. I’ve come to truly understand and appreciate that there are many things in life that should occur spontaneously and impulsively in order to feel the fullest effects of the many ups and downs of life. Controlling what we do day in and day out can make us rather dull and keep us out of touch with the multitude of things, people, and events occurring around us.

Granted, there are things one has to maintain consistency on, such as our jobs, finances, and taking care of our varied responsibilities, but those aside, I’ve realized that once those have been tended to, it’s important to live and be a part of this one-time event called Life. There are no encores and no do-overs to speak of, so why not live while you’re alive. Give those who may one day mourn your loss a reason to speak truthfully in their recollections of you and your life. No one wants a liar at their memorial service. Well, there’ll be some simply because it’s human nature, but at least go out knowing you left an indelible mark where it was supposed to be.

I’m currently in the final stage of moving from a house I’ve spent almost 16 years living in to one I’ve been split living in for almost 4. This particular transition is tremendously hard for me; not because I don’t want to move, but because I’m not used to living with other people. Shared spaces are a little hard for me. As I’ve stated in previous posts, I’m territorial, I like order, and I like cleanliness. I abhor things not being in their respective and rightful places. Things should be cleaned up after being messed up. And one should have the presence of mind to respect things of which are not their own. Small children, 10 and 7 come with this move, so I’ve been the more strict in how the house should be kept.

Most children these days aren’t being taught to take care of their things, space, and cleanliness; thus, making even more work for the adults in the house. That is a major NO GO with me. Children aren’t to be coddled and allowed to be visitors in their homes; they’re to take care of it because it is their home and space. I reiterate the importance of taking care of their home and cleaning up behind themselves. Many a toy has been trashed on account of their not maintaining their things. Laundry has gone unwashed because I will not remove underwear left in bottoms. Yes, I know it may sound petty, but I treated my Lil Lady that way, so I won’t make exceptions for my future step-children.

Speaking or marital events, I’m now engaged! That serendipitous event took place in July. 🙂

Friendships have taken turns for the better and worst in the many life events underway in my life. I’ve began removing people for their lack of reciprocity, controlling/manipulative/narcissistic ways/or simply because our season is over. I’ve come to value my quality of friends rather than the quantity even more than before. I refuse to be a sponge and learned to be a sieve and release that which has no value added. I fully embrace the joys of the real and wholesome relationships where we heal, restore, value, reciprocate, uplift, encourage, enhance, and positively influence each other. Relationships have to be more than titular in order to have real purpose and value.

I have to credit and thank Barefoot Contessa for her checking in on me, encouraging, and sometimes doing her best to entice me into some form of salacious behaviour since she and I are quite alike in many ways. Her unsolicited emails have been a wonderful source of inspiration and she’s now going to become my accountability partner to keep me writing. It’s not that I entirely need one, it’s just without a well-functioning pc or laptop, I’m limited to my tablet, which isn’t that easiest thing to use as a writing tool. I can post from work, of which I’m currently doing, but that ability is contingent on my daily projects. I’ve decided, I’ll allow an additional 30 minutes to my work day for personal use until I’m able to remedy my home pc situation.

I’m in the midst of planning months where I can travel since I miss it tremendously and need to get back out into the world so to speak. Florida is on tap for May and Vegas for July. In between that, I’d like to swing Jamaica too. I’m sure there’ll be day or long weekends to NYC, Maryland, VA, and wherever else draws me in.

So, I’d like to get back to the living life bit. Time is of the essence and with all the craziness taking place in the US and globally, it’s another indicator that we have to seize as many moments as we possibly can. We can’t always wait until the weekend to go to the movies, go out to dinner, go shopping, meet friends etc. We have to do things impulsively, spontaneously, and with vigor. We have to give thanks each day that we’re blessed with in order to show The Divine we’re grateful for the life he’s prescribed. We can’t keep holding on to things and/or people for sentimental reasons. We must be diligent in living right NOW. Heal what’s hurting. Release the weights holding you back. Forgive, let go, and move on. Keep your heart channels open to both give and receive. Don’t grudge others for what they have; not everything is for everyone. Restore yourself and walk with your head held high; especially toward those who’ve cursed and demeaned you.

Embrace the transitions; even, no, especially the scary ones. Trust The Divine to be with you through it. Open your life to serendipity; she’s a beautiful surprise. Take chances; take risks; break free of routine. Set attainable goals and work those plans you’ve set.

Each occurrence in life is whatever you deem it to be…a mistake is typically a learning or life lesson. A new experience awards an achievement. Don’t let something new scare you. Face that thing head on and show it who’s boss, but don’t fake it til you make. Own the so-called losses because they truly do make you stronger and help you find a better coping skill.

I know I’ve been a bit random here and I’m okay with that. I’ve got going on in this head of mine and with time I’ll sort through it all, but in the mean time and between time, I’m just letting it all flow. Something good always washes ashore.

Be well and sign your name in indelible ink wherever you go and in whatever you do.

Blu

Check out this song and read the lyrics. I think it sums things up quite nicely.That’s How Life Goes

My life’s a twisting roller coaster on the run
I get no warning when the bad turns are gonna come
It’s a journey with no certainty
so I’ll make my peace with whatever will be
That’s how life goes
That’s how it goes
So you live and you learn to let go
That’s how life goes
That’s how it goes
So in good and in bad you let go
That’s how it goes
I could wonder what my life might have been
had I chosen to float down the other stream
Though some days felt like a slap in the face
there is nothing in my past I’d erase
The good days are enough to keep me strong
So I’ll make my peace with whatever may come
That’s how life goes…
I will let go of the dark thoughts that were ruling me
I will let go of my worries
I will live by the dreams that have been driving me
I’ll try to be the best I can be