Rated 2 / 5 stars2011-06-24 21:18:25

Mars Needs Bangers and Mash in Mass Quantities

Few things come through as stifling and lame-brained than a school presentation ported over to the Newgrounds audience. "Blahoink" manufactured one to showcase a literary classic in a roundabout way that tries to be funny... but really the joke is on itself. "War of The Worlds" is only marginally better than contracting ebola, but it is worse than throat cancer and then hearing about what really causes throat cancer.

"War of Teh Worlds" is based upon the H.G. Wells novel, meaning the adaptations to radio or film are excluded. This is Victorian England besieged by Martians who, feeling their planet is becoming uninhabitable, constructed and launched devices that travel to Planet Earth and, one-by-one, strike upon the surface of the world... well, actually they all hit England, one after another. Because they're that accurate. Yeah.

On that note: people adapted latter versions of "War of the Worlds" just because Martians don't hit one specific location... they hit all of them. Even if they're going to die by bacteria in the end, they wouldn't just go after rainy ol' London, that's just stupid. They'd go after the whole damn planet. Hell, they'd probably hit up the oceans well before hitting the continents. Anyway, there are plenty of reasons why "War of the Worlds" can get a bad rap... but the book report fails to include reasons why we'd want to read the book, which is what those stupid reports are meant to do! In any case, landing upon one specific location, as the summary seems to describe (with first, second, etc., strikes all within a similar vicinity without reporting on any other strikes upon the world), that's like the difference between the Watchmen comic and its movie adaptation, which features a far more feasible conspiracy plot. Even if Alan Moore doesn't support the movie version, its "MacGuffin" made greater sense. Plots and storytelling never get old, but updates and revisions to said stories occur so that the author's original concepts are expressed for a new audience that may look at old books and throw them aside. It's a shame we do that, but that's why "War of the Worlds" got revised.

The lunacy of this Flash's summary has just explained that to me; that has to mean something. Still, this is another school project rendered in Flash--a book report--that features an awful microphone and even worse narrative inflections. It isn't meant to be showy with Flash tecnniques or artistic merits, although you sort of wish it did. The sound system is provided by OGM, Obscenely Ghetto Microphone, which hasn't seen the light of day since the Cactaur & Tonberry cartoons like ten years ago.

"War of Teh Worlds" is a dismal little thing to showcase on Newgrounds, but maybe listening to it will properly clear up a literary classic and maybe spur some interest in the book itself. Or maybe we'll just turn on the radio and listen to some music....

Dear Neophyte-Ronin (that sounds like "fairy-japanese-midget", by the way),

First off, I would like to say thank you. These five elaborate, well thought out, and researched paragraphs really showed me what the original novel was trying to portray, and how I, the author of this flash animation, completely butchered it.

In hindsight, maybe I should have added more logical sequences and scenes in the animation, which would more likely happen if Martians did happen to invade our Earth. And then to appease the general Newgrounds audience, add extremely bloody stick battles, assault rifles, loud explosions, and maybe a few scattered sex scenes starring our very sexy and attractive main character, who is actually a werewolf-vampire and gets slayed by an army of Justin Biebers at the end of all of it.

But then, this being a school project, my teacher would probably fall of her rolly-office chair, puke all over the computer screen in disgust, and then give me an F-minus-minus-minus-minus. But I digress...

And then to address the issue of the bad quality of all of this. Being June and at the end of the school year, I could put my try-hard pants on and blow my half-asleep English classes' minds, but I had an Xbox 360 to attend to. And for your information, the Obscenely Ghetto Microphone brand is highly respected here in Massachusetts. All my friends have one, and we enjoy talking to each other over the internet and try to decode our dirty sex jokes over the incredible amount of static and general scratchy shit.

So, please excuse me, I have to go cry and masturbate with my tears in the corner of my bedroom now.