John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Grieving people need and want an opportunity to talk about ‘what happened’ and about their relationship with the person it happened to. (Published 12/17/2013)

Q:

The ex-wife of a close friend of mine died away last week. He told me just before she died that he still loved her and was having regrets over their failed relationship. He just returned from the out-of-state funeral and I expect he will be calling me in the near future. We are just good friends who enjoy our weekly teas and our discussions about History. My question is this: when he does call what should I say? Should I mention the situation or just ignore it? I'm at a loss for words. I definitely am resolved not to call him because I don't know his state of mind at this time, Before he left, he was very upset.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your note and questions and for your concern for your friend.

Obviously, it’s not unusual for people to have regrets about a failed marriage, but we’re not clear from your note, if when he told you before she died that he had those regrets, that he already knew that she was terminally ill. That detail does to some degree affect what you might say to him when he returns.

Without knowing the answer, we’ll give you some guidance based on other factors. Here is a basic truth: “Grieving people need and want an opportunity to talk about ‘what happened’ and about their relationship with the person it happened to.”

With that in mind, you’d never want to rob your friend of that opportunity.

Now that doesn’t mean he would want to talk to you or me, 24/7, but if you don’t open the topic, you might be doing him and your friendship a major disservice. If he doesn’t want to talk he won’t—and you would just let that be okay with you.

As to you not calling him, we disagree. Since you know that his ex died, we think you should call him and we very rarely “should” people. But in this case we’d recommend that you call him. You would say something like: “I heard that your ex-wife died, and knowing that you’d told me you had some regrets about the end of that marriage, I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I can’t imagine what his past few weeks has been like for you.” [When you say that last part, make your voice go up at the end so it sounds like a gentle question, which is exactly what it is.] It's an invitation to talk and he’ll either accept it or not—his choice. He may not want to talk at that moment, but he will remember the offer.

The worst thing you can do is NOT to bring up the topic of his ex wife’s death. We’d have to guess that he knows that you heard about it, and if so, and you don’t mention it, he’ll think your avoiding the topic. Remember what we said in quotes above about grievers needing and wanting to talk about what happened, etc. It’s really the only thing on their minds and their hearts.

As to being at a loss for words: that’s absolutely true. It is impossible to know what to say or what is the right thing to say, because there are no universally correct things to say. Because that’s true, another of the best things to say is: “I heard your ex-wife died, and I don’t know what to say.” Since that is true for you, he will appreciate it, and, since by the time you talk to him, people will have said hundreds of incorrect and untruthful things to him [all with the intent of being helpful], and your comment will be a breath of fresh air.