Bush to Increase Money for War Dead, War Dead

Washington – President Bush announced a bold attempt to pull off a difficult political maneuver today, saying he wants to increase the financial retribution package given to families of war dead from $12,420 to $100,000 while also increasing the number of people killed in the war to over 500,000 by roughly this time next year.

“First, successful elections in Iraq, now I’ve found a way to increase both payment to the families who lose loved ones in the war and the number of total loved ones lost at the same time,” the president said while addressing the press on the White House lawn. “I mean, you know, I’ve always said I’ll tackle the tough ones. And I have. Some people said this couldn’t be done.”

In addition to the jump in payment — the so-called “death gratuity” — families can claim up to $400,000 in life insurance. According to experts, the $12420 gratuity payment was enough to take one child to the dentist twice.

The president acknowledged he’ll need a faster rate of death from Iraqis to reach the 500,000 mark, as it is well over double the current estimate of 140,000 dead Iraqis, but said he had the utmost confidence they would pull through.