Monday, January 19, 2015

Today was supposed to be the day that we learned the gender of Amelia. She would have been 19 weeks along today. I was so excited for this appointment because it would have been a long appointment of looking at you Amelia. We've been calling you Amelia for 12 days... We met you and held you, saw you moving and breathing just 12 short days ago. Yet, it feels like it's been so long since we said goodbye. These 12 days have felt like 80 days, and every day that we have to wait to see the doctor is another day that feels like 20. I can't believe that part of the reason you passed was an infection. A stupid infection that wasn't supposed to show up for several more weeks.

I hate being a Zebra for the medical field babies. I hate it so very much. If i wasn't a zebra and was just a normal fat girl with normal health things then both of you would exist... Maybe..... Your dad and I wanted 1 baby, and now we have 2 and will be trying for another one. Maybe in some sick world we were supposed to have several babies, and because we only wanted one were cursed with having other babies who wouldn't survive. Maybe if there are angels or whatever we didn't have enough people watching over us. Whatever the reason that you both are no longer with us is a sick, and ridiculous world.

Back to you existing. I think we would have had 2 babies. We would have fell so madly in love with Carter & wanted him to have a sister which would be Amelia. We came up with your name Amelia when we were pregnant with Carter. I was so sure that Carter would be a girl, so when we saw that Carter was a boy I was shocked, and then i got over it. We went to Babies R us and when I saw the little boy outfits I melted and got over my fear of a boy. Amelia was a surprise too, I was so sure we were having a boy. I craved almost the same exact things with both babies, except for Amelia I wanted hot chocolate instead of chocolate milk. When they said it was a girl, i cried just like with Carter and imagined a life with a little girl by my side, my little side kick. At least with Carter we had 8 weeks to imagine what life would be like with a little boy. With Amelia we had about 11 hours to imagine what life would be like with a little girl, which was enough time to imagine and be excited. She was such a little precious doll, and even an anime we watched had a character that we thought could be Amelia. She was the right size of Amelia with big brown eyes and long brown hair, just like I Imagined her.

I am definitely rambling my babies..... But i wanted to show you and make a space for the egg that our friend made for you Amelia. She made one for Carter too.

Anyway babies, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I was thinking of you both. Amelia you never have to worry about us forgetting about you because we have been without Carter for 1 year and 8 months and I know I still think of him at least several times a day. I feel closer to you babies when I am working with the kids with autism. I am not sure why but helping them makes me feel a bit better.

Before I say goodbye I wanted to mention an interesting number's thing about both of you.

Carter was 27 weeks along, and Amelia was 17 (10 weeks apart)

Carter was born on 5-17-13, and Amelia was born on 1-7-15 (10 days apart)

Also notice all of the 7's. I told your dad we should go play the lottery with these numbers.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Hi Carter, It's your momma writing. I know it has been a few months since I've written on here, but you know I talk to you. I wanted to let you know, even though I'm sure that you do that you have a sister now. We named her Amelia Rose, and she was born 10 weeks earlier then you were. She was such a fighter Carter she was alive for an hour and 12 minutes. The doctors and nurses were shocked at how strong she was Carter. She was beautiful, so very precious. She was moving her arms and legs when she came out and It was just me this time delivering her Carter. Your dad was outside of the door, when she came and I yelled out to him. A swarm of nurses showed up after she came and we got to hold her for just as long as we did with you. They said we could hold her longer but she was changing and we didn't want our last image of her to be something like that. We bathed her with little sponges and baby soap. We made videos and took pictures. Uofm did a really great job Carter, I wish we would have gone to them for you. I am so very sad to have met and lost Amelia, Carter but at least you have your sister now. I hope someday we can have a child/your sibling who is alive and stays with us.

I am attaching something I posted on a forum of what happened during Amelia's time and what happened at the hospital. I wanted somewhere to put it, since my memory is so bad. I love you Carter, and I love your baby sister Amelia. I hope more then anything that the two of you are together somewhere, maybe playing in sand, or building legos.

Love you my two sweet babies-
Momma Amber

Jan 7th, 2015 (a few days ago) I was 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was in the hospital twice that week, earlier for cramping and a clot that came out (small like a nickel) they diagnosed me with Bacterial Vaginosis and an inflamed cervix that they could put their finger tip into but the inner cervix was still closed. They seemed okay with that and scheduled an ultrasound the next week for (3 days later to measure the cervix). Baby's heart beat was good.

Then I called the next day cause my cramping was worse, and I was spotting more they said it was normal given what was happening. The next day (the 6th) I called because i was having very frequent and extremely painful cramping still with spotting. They said to come in so they could figure out what was causing the pain. I went in and the nurse said she could feel membrane when she pressed into the cervix, again baby's heart was beating no problem. I was admitted that night, and an ultrasound showed bleeding in the uterus, and a short cervix. They gave me labor stopping medication and said that sometimes the meds don't work, which they did for me.

The next day (the 7th) I had that ultrasound scheduled so I went to it. Baby was so happy in there moving around, with a great heartbeat we also found out that we were having a girl! They told me that it looked like I had a small placental abruption, and showed me where blood was pooling up in the uterus. It was a long day of waiting but the doctor said that some people can have a placental abruption and make it to full term so some hope was still there, we just didn't know what would happen, they also wanted me to use progesterone vaginally to help with my cervix. That night my husband went home for a few hours, and luckily he came back about half and hour before I gave birth. I was cramping rhymically but I didn't realize it, I wrote it down. She was born at 9:25 pm to just me in the bathroom. I felt the water break and seconds later I was holding her. She was alive and moving her arms and legs. She lived for an hour and 12 minutes. They doctors and nurses were shocked that she lived that long. I was severely losing blood (full uterus, gushing amounts every few minutes) but I refused to leave my little Amelia Rose while she was still alive. I wanted her to pass away with both of her parents with her, and she did. I had most of a D&C (cause I was already dilated) which was really difficult to leave her, and then coping with the loss of her with the pain of the D&C. My husband/your daddy said that as he looked over at me I was growing paler and paler, and that his grief and sadness for Amelia was compounded with his fear of losing me.