Better than Winning the Lottery!

Today I received some exciting news from the Department of Homeland Security that I must tell you about! It’s not as if tidings such as this come in every day (well they do, actually, but not from the trusty Federal Government).

It seems that Mr. (Jeh) Johnson, who left his post as Secretary of Homeland Security on January 2oth, still has a desk there. He says he’s been assigned by President Trump himself to rectify cases of fraud concerning claims to assets and to track down their true owners. It seems, he informs me, that my family and I are the rightful owners of 17.5M USD sitting in a disused Wells Fargo account that a Mr. Steven Tilley—whom I don’t know—falsely claimed belonged to him. Fantastic that they caught him at it. I hope Tilley goes to prison for a long time.

You see the letter below. It is extremely exciting news, and I’ll contact Mr. Johnson as soon as I get to the bottom of a few details. First, it’s a little odd that the letter is signed by John F. Kelly, the current Secretary AFAIK, not Mr. Johnson. Perhaps Mister Johnson just dictated the letter for Mr. Kelly to sign. Another thing is he asks if I will “confirm to me if truly you are
still alive or dead.” All I can say is it makes me happy to be alive, because it would be tough for me to confirm that I’m not. And I worry a just bit that his email comes from a gmail account, not a government mailbox, and that he got my name wrong: it isn’t Undisclosed Recipients, and he should know this. But you know the Department of Homeland Security; they do this cloak-and-dagger stuff, so this was probably just a prudent precaution to spare him and me from hackers and spammers.

I mean, he called my “My dear!” how sweet is that? So, unless someone who reads this comes up with a good reason not to claim my 17.5 million, I will tell Mr. Johnson-Kelly next week that I appreciate the work they have done on my behalf and go through the formalities to obtain the funds. God bless the Trump Administration for helping us to build our dream house!

Here’s the letter in its entirety. Don’t let the typos get to you; they must have many letters to get out and are probably short of proofreaders.

Homeland Security Mr. Johnson,
Department of Homeland Security U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Washington,
Federal Government Office 300 7th St SW ·
Phone number 1 518 856 3794
Greetings to you My friend
I will like to introduce myself to you, am the new Secretary of Department of
Homeland security appointed by New President of United State Donald J. Trump
after the reassignment of Ms Janet. i am an Attorney before I was installed
the new chief Secretary of Department of Homeland security here in the
United state of America.
I was going through some files that was transferred to me after the
reassignment of Ms. Janet ,i discovered that you are among one of the people
that has unsettle transactions with the Department of Homeland Security,
International Monetary funds, FBI and many other departments within the state
and outside the states....most especially Africa and also some Financial
Institutions due to the much internet scams and so many people impersonating
different office to rip of off your funds that they are in their possessions.
My Dear I want to inform you that no office or Financier institution are in
possession of your huge compensated funds aside from the US Department of
Homeland Security, Washington DC and your file is currently on desk awaiting
a clear contact with you before I can go ahead and disburse this long awaited
funds worth of $17.5 Million USD to you...
I have been given a mandate by the President Donald Trump to disburse the
funds to you as soon as I have a direct contact with you...i have attach
my identification card within this email for your view.
A claim came directly to my desk that you and your family are all dead and a
Wells Fargo account was provided by one Mr. Steven Tilley who claims to be your
Next of Kin and that we should forward this huge compensation funds worth
of $17.5 Million USD into the Wells Fargo bank account, but God so kind after
a proper investigation I discovered that Mr. Steven Tilley is just an
identification theft and nothing of such happened and that you and your family
are very much alive....I will be so happy to have a direct contact with you if
truly you are safe and sound like my instincts tell me.
You are advice to get back to me immediately so I can disburse your funds worth
of $17.5 Million USD to you.....and to also confirm to me if truly you are
still alive or dead you are to send your full information to my desk immediately
With the blow information.
(1) Your full Name:
(2) House Address:
(3)Occupation:
(4)Phone number:
Awaiting your soonest response.
Thanks
John F. Kelly

(I didn’t provide Mister Johnson-Kelly’s email address just in case some scammer reads this post and tries to impersonate me like Mister Tilley did. One can’t be too careful.)

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Author: admin

I'm an ex-this-and-that, including software developer, computer graphics researcher, geospatial analyst, market manager, and technical writer, who now writes full-time when not reading, running a household, foraging for edible mushrooms, pushing progressive politics, or volunteering fsomewhere. I live near Boston with my wife, daughter, two cats and two old cars.
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The Daily (or whenever) Eruption

DIY Sex Ed: Wednesday 5/22/19

As a callow, overweight youth just having graduated from Tween University with a degree in Acne, I felt certain stirrings and had heard certain rumors about “doing it.” One day I repeated a crude joke from the playground to my mom and followed up with:

“What’s a cunt?”

“Well,” she said, drawing a breath and letting it out, “it’s part of the female anatomy and I’ll leave it at that. I think you and your father should have a little talk about the birds and the bees.”

Assuming she had prepped Dad to have “the talk,” I waited for it to happen, face flushing whenever we menfolk were by ourselves, but he never did tell me anything about reproductive rites. But it wasn’t long before a little book that I didn’t think had been in our library mysteriously appeared on my bedspread, called Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers by a nice lady whose name I forget.

So I did what any 13-year-old would do: I immediately hid the book, lest a friend come by and notice it, and furtively read it in bed by flashlight, looking for the good parts. There was, alas, no mention of birds or bees. It occurred to me that I had never witnessed birds doing it, and certainly not bees, but perhaps those two houseflies I remembered seeing united in flight were making whoopee. It must be a thing, I figured, recalling listening to Noel Coward croon “Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it” from our phonograph, but really, how do birds do it? Do they take off their feathers first? Do Bees lay aside their little stingers?