Andy Rooney Humor: Funny Stories and jokes

Andy Rooney was the lovable curmudgeon on 60 Minutes for over 30 years, along
with a syndicated column in over 200 newspapers. Until his death in 2011, he
entertained us, made us laugh and made us think a little.

Here are a few reminders of the wit and enlightenment of the
Andy Rooney humor...

On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece. I'll take a few prisoners into
my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Fabric Softeners: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can
take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't
see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. Says into phone "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This
guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like "Cripes". "For Cripe's sake." Who would that be ... Jesus Cripe's? The
son of "Gosh" of the church of "Holy Moly"? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn
in "Heck"?

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy
Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering
wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the love. 'Beep.'"

Uh, yeah ... this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test results
are back. Stop sharing the love."

On Women: As I grow in age, I value older women most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why.

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.

An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and
"commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in
the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you
if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise,
often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger
woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other
women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman.
They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women
or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal
and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of.
(Young men, you have something to look forward to.)

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you
are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants
making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us.

That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far
younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've
become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity."