Meant for each other

Something happened today that warmed my heart and amused me greatly…which is odd as it should’ve been one of the worst days of my life: I had to say goodbye to the man that I love.

It’s bizarre (and quite frankly resourceful) that I even managed to fall in love with him – besides a scant week in the flesh a few months ago, Cyber Boyfriend has existed solely inside my computer screen (owing to the unfortunate fact he lives on the other side of the world). Technology, eh? It isn’t as mad as it sounds though; the 11682miles didn’t always seem insurmountable: while we were e-mailing, skyping and the like, he implied that, not only was there a possibility that he’d come back, but that it was pretty much a certainty. But hey, peoples’ feelings change.

I’m a romantic dreamer, to the point of being totally unrealistic…so much so that I genuinely thought I’d entered into a modern fairy tale. Truth be told, I still do cling to that hope. It’s definitely good to have a little faith in something. (Though that is coming from someone who still believes in Father Christmas…despite the fact she now IS Father Christmas!)

As Cyber Boyfriend has not actually said he doesn’t like me anymore, I can see that my hope may continue on forever, despite the fact we have cut off all communication (something noble about it being unfair to make me wait on a possibility). Right now I am using phrases that smack horribly of fleeting teenage crushes: ‘But we are meant to be together’; ‘I’ve never met anyone so perfect for me’; ‘He’s The One’. I wonder how long it’ll be before I become disillusioned.

It is a common thought that if you fall off a horse you should brush yourself down and get straight back on again. My dad had a cycling accident a while ago and found the same thing applies with a bike. So that’s what I decided to do. Not metaphorically; I don’t intend to get a little friendly with someone, let him travel as far away from me as he can and then participate in an e-mail exchange to fill a book and Skype chats to fill days. Nor do I fancy a bit of hanky panky with the next person I meet. I mean it literally: get straight back on the bike.

So a mere half hour after seeing Cyber Boyfriend’s face for the last time, I found myself strapping Sam into his bike seat, positioning his oh-so-fetching helmet (which once belonged to my 28 year old brother) and venturing forth into the drizzle.

The most important consideration in any situation is what is best for Sam…and there is no doubt that falling to pieces in front of him should be avoided whenever possible. Being the hugely emotional person I am, even at the best of times, this seemed a pretty impossible feat; hence the necessities for a bike ride. A perfect ploy; not only would I be hiding my face, but I always find fresh air and exercise to be a good pick-me-up…and my gosh did I need one!

Was absolutely pushing myself to the limit – Sam must’ve been bewildered; I don’t think he’s ever witnessed me putting effort into physical exercise! Seemed to be working a treat – far better to concentrate on how much my legs were hurting than my heart. But then, on a blissful downhill stretch, it flashed into my mind that I was probably doing exactly what Ex Cyber Boyfriend would’ve done in my position (assuming, of course, that he was as torn up by this as I am). How could I have bloody forgotten he loves cycling?!

So, as painful as my long-forgotten muscles were, I now could not stop thinking about how suited I am to him, and how amazing we would’ve been together. Just couldn’t get him out of my head, even down to imagining him fixing the annoying clicky sound my chain was making.

With this abrupt return to consciousness, I was pretty darn impressed by my ability to convert what would’ve naturally come out as sobbing, wailing and howling…into beautifully subtle silent tears.

I was making no noise and had my back to Sam. I am fairly certain I wasn’t even doing the weird heaving breathing you do when you cry. And yet, within seconds of the first tear falling…all of a sudden, and with no warning…Sam lifted up my t-shirt and blew a huge raspberry on my lower back. How bloomin’ cool is my kid??! Made me burst out laughing and suddenly the rest of the bike ride seemed bearable.

Really helped to give a sense of perspective. No matter what happens in my love life, I will always have Sam. He loves me. I love him. With any luck this thought might keep me buoyed up a little when I am sad about Ex Cyber Boyfriend.

And the idea of being ‘meant for each other’? Well that isn’t more clearly proven than by telepathically sensing the other person’s emotions.

This blog no longer contains images of my son’s face. Click here to find out why.