Ramblings of a modern druidess

Tag Archives: horses

No. You can’t. But how does one go forward? May 2017 I fell off my horse . As most of you know, it took a long time before I could even walk again.

However, now I’m walking. But not okay. And I can stand on my toes with both my feet and I can stand on one leg, but not on my toes with one leg. Not even a bit, it’s just undoable.

Let alone running. And I still have fifteen months of rehabilitation ahead of me, so I know I have a long way to go, but this is the part where I need your help.

See, the hospital pretty much told me to do anything as long as it feels right (did they read the OBOD gwersi, or something?)

Physiotherapy? Sure, if you think you need it, go ahead, but we’re not a big fan, was the answer from my hospital team when I asked. And a part of me wants to try and another part of me is going in full blown panic attack when I think about somebody touching my foot!

So I’m looking for people who had a foot injury, or knee or leg injury and how did you go about it? Mine was a Lisfranc fracture dislocation, but I’m not so much looking for people with the exact same injury. Just people with a likewise experience.

How did you get back to your old self? Or at least, the best version of your old self?

Physically speaking, of course, because as the title says…. you can never go back.

It’s been a long time since my latest blog. I never could have imagined that falling off a horse would have such a big impact on my life.

Physically, sure. I expected as much, though not to this extend. The mental side of it took me – not by surprise – but at the very least, caught me off guard.

14 weeks is a long time to spend in a bed with nothing but your thoughts. Thankfully by the end of week 11 I could crawl down the stairs on my but and make it into the living room. Unbelievable how this can expand your horizon.

I guess it also changed me. Last week I finally received the long, long awaited news from my surgeon that the remaining ‘hardware-store’ in my foot can finally be removed. After this surgery, I can start to rebuild my foot. I don’t know if I’ll be able to dance again, or to run for a bus, let alone run for pleasure. I don’t know if there will come a day when I wake up and put my foot down and feel no pain.

Getting back in the saddle was important to me. Very important, maybe too important. It came to a point where my mental health started to depend on that one moment in the week I was allowed on a horse. No stirrups, of course, what if the screws would break! Being on that horse gave me so much. Hope, self-esteem, strength. It was one of the very few things I could do, without feeling any pain. It was scary as hell, but pure bliss and worth every second.

And then it was gone. Just like that.

Like I said, this unfortunate accident changed me. I have daily reminders of what I cannot do and that leaves me a little insecure about the future. My creative juices aren’t what they used to be. I’m more gloomy than before and still riding that emotional rollercoaster. A stupid tv commercial can have me bursting into tears, utterly annoying! Then again, most of them are so bad, anyone would start crying 😉

There was loss as well. Loss of horses, loss of people. Why? In hindsight it doesn’t matter. Not really. Won’t change the fact, I lost them.

Would things be different if I hadn’t fallen off my horse that day? Isn’t that the million dollar question? I honestly do not know. I often wished I could turn back time. Especially those weeks bound to my bed. But given the choice, would I? Maybe it’s possible there’s a future worse than this one and I got the better end. Who knows?

I do believe things happen for a reason and you have to make the best of what life throws at you. So that’s what I’m trying to do right now.

Cherish my family, my friends. Cherish my love for writing, my love for music. Those creative juices will start flowing again. And my love for horses. I will always be grateful that horses came back into my life. I’m never giving them up again. I just have to find another way. And I might have found a place to call home.

You know that feeling of not really living your life, but your life being lived? Sounds a bit vague, I know, but that’s how I’ve been feeling lately.
I recently started a new job, because I can’t live by my pen. Well, not yet, at least. I’m sure that would change if either mister Joss Whedon or J.J. Abrams would call to tell me they’re desperately in love with my book and when can they start filming?
Until that moment, however, bills need to be paid and books don’t write themselves, so a part-time job on the side seemed like a wise thing to do.

And it’s nice. Nice to be part of something again, as I was self-employed for quite a few years. It can get lonely. It’s also exhausting, because every damn thing is new to me. I chose something completely out of my comfort zone, so also the professional language is something I have to make my own.
I’m not complaining though. Like I said, it’s nice and the atmosphere is good. Very important to me.
Writing is on a tight schedule as a result. I now go over the remarks from my manager, editor, proofreader, etc. on Friday’s. The weekend is reserved for actual writing. Oh, and my social life. Do I even have one? I can’t really remember 😉

One thing’s also new. I started riding again. Horses, that is. I used to be a real horse-girl. Could ride before I could walk. Then I went to college and had to give it up. I always promised myself that if I would have a job with regular working hours, I would take it up again.

So three weeks ago I did. I freakin’ LOVE it! I thought I was in pretty good shape with all the running and such, but riding is a whole different ballgame. Man, I am totally drained! My instructor tells me I work too much. Let the horse work for you. Yes, yes, I remember, but easier said than done. My muscles don’t seem to remember much, except for the actually staying on the horse part. Which I consider a plus, don’t get me wrong.

For now, there’s another working week on the horizon and lots to do next weekend. October is slowly sneaking up on me and my first short-story is also due this November, so that too needs to shift into second gear.
Enjoy the week folks! Stay true to your mind, heart and soul xxx