ust got back from the hospital. Makcik has been transferred to the 1st class ward at level 8 HTAA. When I saw her just now, she seemed better than the day before. The 1st thing she asked me was, “Hana dah baca ke pasal penyakit mck ni?”

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oor mck. She waited the whole day for me, and I came to see her only at 10.00pm in the night. How guilty I felt. I tried my best to explain in a professional way about her condition and her limited choice of treatment due to the advanced stage of her disease. Even chemotherapy would not be that helpful in gastric ‘tumor’, I told her. Along the way I avoided using the word cancer.

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he asked, “Kalau Dr dah tak boleh nak buat apa, katalah chemo pun tak boleh juga, ada tak cara alternative yg Dr boleh cadang utk ubatkan penyakit mck?” I felt really hesitant to answer, because she seemed so hopeful. At last I talked to her daughter regarding the most Dr could do would probably be palliative treatment and to improve her quality of life.

Before going back, as usual I salam her and cium both her cheeks, the cheeks that showed obvious wasting of the masseter muscles as a result of her massive loss of weight. Suddenly she broke down into tears. As if that was the last time she would see me. She told me, “Apa-apa pun, kuasa Allah mengatasi segala-galanya. Kita ni manusia hanya hamba.”

he kissed me twice. She really made me feel like a daughter to her. It was a really really hard moment for me, what more to the patient herself, after listening to such unpromising explanations… When I turned my head towards her daughter, she was almost weeping. After shaking her hand, I quickly went out of the cubicle, tears running down my eyes… “Ya Allah, please make me strong, but please make my patient stronger…”