Archive for January, 2011

I have a theory… partly based on professional experience and partly based on personal experience. It’s well excepted that in pregnancy the brain goes “squishy” and a hormonal induced reduction in mental capacity occurs. My theory is that these raised horror-moan hormone levels initiate the growth of a new gland: Let’s call it the “Mummery Gland”.

During pregnancy the Mummery Gland gets to work at suppressing normal intelligence, but it is after labour that the gland really kicks in.

The Mummery gland releases GSH into the blood stream. (That’s Guilt Stimulating Hormone and NOT Good Sense of Humour!).

The effects of GSH are that the previous rationale woman goes nuts, a progressive post natal dripping of guilt builds into a life long problem.

Lets take a case of Mrs A. You know the kind: The childless professional, who from 20 metres can criticise and find fault in the way all her family and friends bring up the children, with classic common sense and states things like…

“Fancy putting them in front of the TV with a bowl of chocolate 30 minutes before dinner!”

…or…

“Well no wonder the baby won’t sleep in its cot by itself at night, if she spends the first 3 hours of the night cuddling it and singing to it…really!!”

Mrs A then gets herself “in the family way” or as we used to say in the posh town I grew up in “up the duff”.

The Mummery Gland develops in pregnancy and eradicates all this previous “logic” about child care. During labour GSH is produced and from that day until the day Mrs A. final finds herself terminally ill with scabies in an old folks home, she suffers from severe, irreversible symptoms as shown below:

Overwhelming feeling that if she plays with her children she is failing as a domestic goddess and an overwhelming feeling that if she does house work she is a failure as a mother.

She strongly believes if she shout at her children she is too strict and that if she doesn’t she is too soft.

She also feel that if she cuddles her screaming child at night it’s because she is a bad mother and just doing it to stop the noise, but if she doesn’t cuddle that screaming child at night she is traumatising them and causing separation anxiety that will lead to life long psychological problems.

Mrs A thinks that helping her children get ready for school suppresses their independence but if she doesn’t help them she is making them feel that she doesn’t care, especially as it takes 4 times longer and she end up shouting at them.

In later years Mrs A will feel that holding her teenagers hair so they don’t vomit in it after their first encounter with alcohol excess, is giving non verbal signal that it is accepted to binge drink but if she doesn’t hold their hair, they will choking on their own vomit and it’ll all be her fault as a bad mother.

These are simply key examples – there are many others!

Childless women should be warned of this wide-spread occurence of Post natal drippiness and the dangers of the Mummery glands with the life long devastational effects of Guilt Stimulating Hormones.