Shabnum K

I wonder a lot
and in that wandering
I am left alone
with my thoughts
though its not that lonely
but the likely crowd
is miles apart .
So then this is my place
to start
as the words here
will play my part.

My thousand lines..

Smooth and clogged
thousands of me
meet and become my roots
these stems outgrow me
and towards those billions of light
but I don’t reach the sun the moon the tavern of the hut across the river
I can’t swim
I grow
but to float
waters of woo and lights of heaven
grounds fasten in changing tides
I have a life
I have a fear
I have a hope
I have a tear
I know everything I can reach
I have roots
I wish to keep.

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I zero one down to
two and then to
three and four..
create infinity.
speechless, with infinite sounds
I utter nobody’s
the basic fundamentals
find and kill rudimentary emotions
so that judging cowards can cry peace
they like each other
and break me free
on the leash.
the river flows of my destiny
going forwards
it takes me back
I seek I keep I repeat
the uncounted unuttered inexistent numbs
count me
and I count it to thee.
then I say four three two one..
it’s fatal to try and
reverse infinity.

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It is a dirty case of cleaned glasses
aged with the eyes which saw through
to see dust sitting on the window
where crows were cawing until the flesh loosens
and legs spread
we come down to heights
philosophy lost to the likes
surrendering to monotony of mutual rights.

the air comes between us and space
when we recreate ourselves
and our rusty past
it shakes the distance
we covered to last
we create from sun and feed it to moon
our dreams to our youth
once more lot of ground to cover
lot to ignore
glassened hardened fastened
our eyes to our shattered core.

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Through the broken glass of a shaken house
paradigms shift to let in the light
when and how much
too hard to decide

reflecting in the angle it was set in
traversing the light
shining on things as they were thrown
Mirror Meditates
to change angles.

shadowed on
horizons of reflection
it’s a straight image
hiding the streets
vision fails to intrude.

I sit and call for purpose in pain
confidence in vain
and wisdom in shame
light strives to direct reflection
I get back
whatever I ask for
it doesn’t go sideways
there are few things I would rather not say
it’s my own mirror
it ignores my ways.

changes in surface
go on to imbibe
Convex
Concave
what kind of darkness it is
I have to decide
under spell of my own ways
expand out
look inside
I change my mirror
Cant change my sight.

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I kill the cradle
and ancestors of the wild being in me
call me to end an era
of everything
with wilderness humanity will go
without desire the senses
with numbers the age
without sound your name
with death the pain
the dents of history will call for
another life to suffer
I will again rush to offer
another death in another life
another wisdom in another knife
another love in another life
wheel reinvents itself
and history is new
past kills itself
in between the time gasps
present perfect is continuous till
infinity dies again to be renewed.
———————————
You are my infinity
will you die early or slow?
rotting or in a blow?
will you kill me before slowing down?
or slow down to kill?
———————————
And then when your cradle kills me
my ancestors will call
the numerous me
and the numerous them
we will kill the misery of repeating history
mellow ourselves down
leaves will hustle
we will ignore the infinity in us
and will die in peace
cured in death of
a common single disease.

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I know people
and they tell
they know me
this time it will be different
my grave will not be lonely
they will bring me
flowers and love
decide if I am rotten enough
kiss me or bid me luck.

I will know soon if
a new message I will have to inscribe
one more grave then
to kill and hide
there is blood on my lips
and dirt on the hands
again the silent trance
and hunger pangs
punch me
to vomit it all out
I have again eaten
my insides out.

Each time I dig a new grave
and fill new crowd
bodies on bodies
crying out loud
warned to lie still
sometimes they wriggle
trying to climb uphill
they hold my spine tight
and try to break me
to be their light
and I gasp for air
to loose this sight
their versions I keep
but I let them slide
every new man
pulls me down
questions ways of my heart
on me he frowns.

And You
I have seen you before
when gardens were lush green
you were like a purpose
that has dreams
while I try to see you differently
you come using the same means
you don’t know how you bring
the same scenes
of us
drinking the blood
being both hungry
and half filled
the continuously rekindling love
in unkindled will
I cannot help but still hear
in this closeness
the echo of dead screams
going in same vicious circles
of flowers and rings.

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I apologise for being different,
or all the more same,
he calls me something,
I have to respond,
when in love, that’s my name,

sirens chant the same,
Mersmerized,
play the game,
of being known,
honey, dear, a dame,

sweet pains,
a dove kills a dove, such games,
red always feels alive,
I think cocks fight the real fight,
I relate to their plight,

when sky is clouded,
mind lovely and talks with haste,
dying to be free,
again freedom lovingly put at stake,
those who have been tied know it well,
what it takes,
in matters of heart,
to save the dove,
and also to kill
to not turn into a dove at will,

still when he calls,
I turn to play the game,
become his honey, his dear, his dame,
he says I love you,
I say, Yes here is the cane!
If it’s love the history is same.

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And if I could learn from nature
I would see how everything has roots
and traces that run deep
just like our souls
which sees through
past of our sown seeds
while universe bring future
each second
we worry of present
which as ephemeral as air
that flows past me
moving me for a second
not so beyond
I make it minutes
and convert to hours
revisit glory and pain
nature doesn’t pretend
on moments that have passed
nor does it intensify, glorify or dwell
it just stares in my face
while I pass away
in this world
in a whiff
like a scent
people come and go
and I walk on these treks
wondering
if I can be this peaceful
knowing all
seeing all
aware of all the noise
but still at poise.

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I have stopped breaking from the outside
it just causes cracks
shifts happen in the core
and plateaus change
the geography
without anyone knowing
people live happily ever after
and say
that it was meant to be.

My words fumble
when I swallow you in bits
so I gulp you down
give tests, repeat
You ask for 3 words
I say “I am here”
few words have rigid belief
you want complex but
I am forever your simple relief.

I want to bring you the stars
such is my love
but no one wants what they can’t taste
I am bland in my face
and they choose irony
the wisdom of haste
we are but all
the product of our mediocre stakes.

For themselves
they ask myself to define me
how else would they say
that more than you
I love me.