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Dear Carolyn: A few of my close friends have recently gone through difficult breakups.
Meanwhile, I’m newly in love after many years of being more-or-less-happily single. I’m trying to
balance going to graduate school, being a good friend and developing this great new relationship,
but a couple of comments from my girlfriends have made it clear I’m not balancing the friendships
very well.

One friend recently admitted to being distant because she isn’t eager to see or hear about a
happy couple so soon after her own breakup, and another was angry with me for canceling a “date”
with her because she assumed that I did it to hang out with my boyfriend (not true, I had a school
issue, which she knew about).

I thought I was doing a decent job balancing these things — not constantly talking about the
boy, no kissing or snuggling in front of people, no pitying looks, just honest happiness — until
these friends told me otherwise.

Where do I draw the line so I don’t cause pain to these friends? I tried sincerely asking them
what they would like me to change, but that only yielded assurances that they are happy for me and
that I should continue being happy.

— K

Dear K: Consider this permission to take them at their word.

You’re not causing them pain, their circumstances are. Merely by being sensitive to this, you
fulfill your primary obligation to them as their friend. You needn’t tiptoe around as if they’re
unexploded ordnance.

It seems premature to conclude that you aren’t balancing your relationships well from just two
incidents, quite different ones at that.

The first was an admission that being around your happiness is difficult. While it is good that
you didn’t respond by taking it personally, you still leapt to take responsibility for her
feelings. Say instead, “I understand, take any time you need,” and accept her feelings versus
presuming to fix them.

The second was a misunderstanding — one you were in a position to clear up by reminding her of
your prior school commitment.

If it turns out that these incidents were related parts of a larger mistake you’re making, you’l
l soon find that out without scrutinizing your every move for error. In the meantime, please let
problems retain their natural size.