Newsflash, Sandy: We don’t fucking caaaaaaare, dude. OK, you know what? We care a little bit. We care because Conforto’s shoulder is fucking dunzo and we care because we don’t want to see Nimmo starting every day. And Bruce does hit. So hoo-fucking-ray, the Bruce signing brings us back to being a 4th place team. Way to bring back a guy who bashed the shit out of the Mets harder than he bashes the ball and said, “thank god” when you traded him.

Oh don’t worry. That was laaast year’s Mets that Bruce was bashing. This year’s Mets will be good, so nobody will get frustrated and things won’t spiral out of control and players won’t beg to be traded and then openly celebrate when they get shipped to a competitive team. Tooootally gonna work out this time. Oh and Sandy got A-Gon, too? That’s awesome! Memba A-Gon? I memba! He was fucking great. This actually could be a nice signing. It really lets everyone know that Dom Smith is an immediate bust. Once Rosario gets Mets-AIDS, the circle of life will be complete again.

So why is this even worth writing about? It’s not. The Mets never are. But I just hated Sandy’s fuckin cocky ass attitude after the signing. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. He’s not Cespedes (which we still do give you credit for). He’s not Machado. I mean you can’t sign Bruce, then have the next message from official Mets’ brass be, “David Wright is working on a comeback,” and expect us to be cool. So 3B is legit Wright or Flores? WHAT YEAR IS IT!? Go fuck yourself. Wright at 3rd. Harvey pitching. Nice offseason, fag.