Saturday, 19 March 2011

After all the hand wringing, procrastination and sabre-rattling over the no-fly zone, millions who had hoped to see Col. Gaddafi blasted to kingdom come by a few jets are really, really annoyed he’s called a ceasefire.

Chairman Bill, strategic analyst and second hand car salesman, said; “This is just so typical of Gaddafi – he leads you up the aisle to the altar and then does a runner. I was really looking forward to going down to The Bell on Saturday and seeing him getting seven shades of shit kicked out of him live on Al Jazeera. Bloody cretin!

"Looks like I'm going to have to watch some damned fool footballer trying to dress himself instead."

David Cameron, the British PM, said; "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he launch six Vulcans or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Vulcan, the most powerful aircraft in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

The Germans decided not to play, probably due to memories of their last time in North Africa. Perhaps it's them dropping bombs around Benghazi, hoping it can be blamed it on Gaddafi so as to justify a strike against him.

‘EU Filled With Cretins,’ Claims Chairman Bill

The Cumberland sausage has been given British Protected Designation of Origin classification under European Union rules. This follows hard on the heels of the Cornish pasty having been given PDO status in 2010.

Instead of being able to buy locally produced Cumberland sausage in Gloucestershire (by the way, the Cumberland pig died out in the 1960s and Gloucester Old Spot is now the standards filling), Chairman Bill is now forced to consume Cumberland sausage that is probably several weeks old, as well as having to pay for the privilege of having it transported several hundred miles by lorry, which obviously adds to the overall cost, consumes scarce resources and throws out tonnes of CO2.

When interviewed for this column, Chairman Bill articulately ranted (in a very long sentence); “One the one hand the EU is meant to be opening up competition and encouraging the Union to have less reliance of fossil fuels through carbon wotsits, and on the other it’s engaging in rampant protectionism on the whim of some avaricious bastard of a butcher from Barrow-in-Furness, while simultaneously encouraging the transportation of food over increasingly vast distances and burning up road miles like there was no tomorrow and global warming was a total and utter myth.

“This is preposterous – I shall write to my MP, if he isn’t busy burying his snout in a money trough somewhere - or having his moat cleaned at my expense – or dithering over what to do about Libya. Why isn’t he doing something about this travesty? Probably a bloody LidDem, or in the pay of the Cumberland sausage lobby.

“I wouldn’t mind if the sausages were made from local produce, but the chances are they’re made from Gloucestershire pigs originating a stone’s throw from where I live, or some imported, flaccid, porcine gristle from Poland that chuckles and leers at you while exuding a filthy, milky, antibiotic and hormone infused fluid when fried.

“By all means enshrine the recipe in tablets of stone so as to ensure standards, but why this madness of declaring it can only be made in bloody Cumbria? What next – black pudding to be manufactured only in the Black Country? I’ll have to go to Hawaii for one of those bloody filthy Hawaiian pizza soon. If anything, these things should be called Gloucester Old Spot sausages.

“Good Lord - it’s not even as if Cumberland still exists – it hasn’t damned-well existed since 1974 – it was subsumed into Cumbria, for heaven’s sake. Bloody Cretins! If we’re to have cuts, then sack the bloody EU and save us all a packet.”

Footballers’ IQs Plunge to New Depths in Dressing Crisis

As the video below demonstrates, highly paid football stars are increasingly unable to dress themselves. This has led to calls from Chairman Bill for footballers’ mothers to be present on the touchline in an advisory capacity.