Since when did pirating become ‘in’ again? Yesterday, a pirate ship off the coast of Togo comandeered the bridge of a Greek oil tanker anchored off the coast and took the 24-crew members hostage. Luckily, an armed naval vessel was able to fight the pirates off and rescue the tanker. While I understand taking a gas station attendant hostage in order to fill up a couple gallons into my 1995 Plymouth Neon, committing a pirate attack against a tanker blows my mind. It seems like week after week we hear more and more about similar attacks along the African coast. They’re even making a movie with Tom Hanks about them. Seriously.

Why hasn’t anyone told these pirates that it’s not 1657 anymore? And don’t let hipsters know that pirating is in again. Once they learn it’s retro every couple going for a romantic paddle boat ride in Silver Lake will be over taken by someone in an ironic tee shirt and fedora. It’s hard to imagine that something as antiquated as piracy exists in an age when we also have cyberterrorism, nuclear bombs, and RickRolling.

You know what else was in when pirating was at its height? Witch trials. Level-headed folk in Massachusetts were burning young women alive out of fear that they had the Devil in them. Wooden teeth were a fad back then too. Not as a fashion statement, but because everyone’s teeth fell the f*ck out of their mouths because no one knew how to take care of them. That’s how backwards the world was the last time pirates roamed the high seas. So maybe it’s time to upgrade fellas. Ditch the boats and rapiers get your feet on dry land and rob a convenience store like everyone else. Live in the now, man!