This is a story I wrote a year ago for my English class.I didn't think it was very good,so I decided to put it my favorite forums and see what kind of things people think I need to change.Also,I'm posting another story...right after I figure out what happened to the second and third chapters! My stupid computer put a single line of computer-speak (AKA gibberish) after the first chapter.So now I'm frustrated.Good thing I have a backup copy at home!

The Dragon Tear

People have always had a profound interest in the stars. Ever since the Ancient Greeks, the stars have marked everything from seasons to directions to a child’s future. However, I have made a discovery of life on these stars. Everything from humans to dragons can exist on these “planets”. Here, everything is as it should be. But it was not always so.
The country of Draco was ruled by an evil king, who established absolute power and despotism. The people would follow his orders to the ends of the world…..or perish. So evil is he, the people dare not say his name, fearing it will increase his power. The people spend whatever free time they have hoping, praying that somehow someone will rise against the king and put an end to his evil reign.
Now, the city of Thuban was the capital of this vast empire. In Thuban there lived a boy named Bouldar. He was an ordinary enough boy. He was mid-height and weight, thin and wiry, like a runner, though lacking the tremendous amount of necessary speed, stamina, and strength. He was the one who got picked on by the other boys. The elder dragon and patron of Thuban, Titan, always told Bouldar not to worry, that his day of greatness was fast approaching.
Titan was a golden dragon, the largest one in all the Milky Way, rivaled only by Ajax of the country of Orion. He was older than the oldest redwood tree and wise even beyond those tens of thousands of years. People and animals alike often sought out his advice in any and every subject under (or over or around) the Sun.
One day, Bouldar was walking in the nearby forest on a hunting excursion. Out of the blue, there was a terrifying scream like that of a dying dragon. He ran further into the forest, crashing through the underbrush all the way.
When he returned to the spot where he heard the scream, he found what appeared to be a teardrop on an overhanging pine needle. It slid slowly down the needle and fell into his cupped hands. Inside the teardrop was a miniscule sphere of…something. He brought it closer to his face so he could see. When he saw what it was, he was shocked. It was a tiny sphere of glowing crystalline light. Just like crystal, It would shine in different colors depending on where and how the light struck it. Not knowing what to do with the treasure, he decided to ask Titan. If anyone knew about it, he would.
When he arrived in the ruined temple that housed Titan, he hurriedly explained what had happened.
“Whoa there youngster! My mind ain’t what it used to be! Slow down!”
“I was just walking through the forest,and I heard this scream, and I found this teardrop thing.”
“Let me see that.”
Titan examined it closely from Bouldar’s hand and said, ”Incredible! I haven’t seen a Dragon Tear in ages! You say it was hanging from a pine needle?”
“Yes, and quite precariously at that.”
There was a rather awkward silence after that. Titan seemed to be quite deep in thought and when he was,there was often silence for hours. Finally, Bouldar could stand no more and said, ”So, what do I do with it?”
Titan sighed and said, ”The kindest thing you could do is to put it back where you found it, but as it was hanging from a pine needle, I doubt you could find the exact spot where it rested. The only other kind thing you could do…”
He trailed off for several minutes then said, ”…The only other kind thing to do would be to dissolve the Dragon Tear in pure water, preferably holy water, blessed by the high priest of Thuban. I know of a place you can go to do this. The portal to this place is in the country of Monoceros in the place known as The Christmas Tree Nebula. The portal will take you to the country of Pisces as it was in the time of my ancestors.”
Here, Bouldar asked, ”You have ancestors?”
After all, Titan was so unbelieveably old, it was incredulously difficult to comprehend what his ancestors might have looked like.
Titan said, ”Yes, I did. Anyway about that place…it is known as Van Maanen’s Star, named after my 100th great grandfather. There, you must put the Dragon Tear in the fountain and return here within the hour.”
“How am I supposed to do that?!”
Titan stated calmly, ”I can take you to the portal and back, but only the bearer of the Dragon Tear can enter. With my enormous bulk taken into account, we will be there and back in less than an hour.”
“Alright, when do we leave?”, Bouldar asked.
“When? Why now of course!”
So they flew to The Christmas Tree Nebula in Monoceros and found the portal hidden in the forest. Bouldar thanked Titan and promised to be quick. Titan nodded and made his mind up for a nap.
When Bouldar found his feet on solid ground again,he saw why the dragons had prospered--Van Maanen’s Star was gorgeous. There were so many animals and other things for them to eat, they must not have had any idea what famine meant.
He found the fountain easily, for it shone like the morning sun (or at least like one of them). He let the tear slide off of his finger into the water and walked back toward the portal. He dared not stay long, lest the place be enchanted somehow.
When he returned to Titan, he was wide awake, wondering what had taken so long. He said that Bouldar had been in there for nigh over three quarters of an hour. They had one sixth of an hour to get back to Thuban.
Titan flew faster than lightning could strike the ground. They made it back to Thuban with barely a minute to spare.
“I’ve never flown so fast in my life…I must rest or I’ll never move again.”
Bouldar ran home as fast as he could, knowing that he was already late for dinner. He ate more than he normally did, ignoring his mother’s inquiries. He went straight to bed. After all the excitement of the day, he was exhausted.
That night, he dreamed of walking in the forest on a certain almost unused path. He saw a cave that, like him, looked ordinary enough. When he stepped inside, it was pitch-black. He walked further, minding his feet to avoid stepping on sharp rocks.
“Wait a second….”, he thought.
“Is this…crystal?”
He heard some great creature humming an ancient song. He didn’t recognize it, but it sounded familiar. Then, he was lying in his bed again, windering if this dream was an instruction. It was already light outside, so he went down to the forest and found the path.
He followed it for what seemed to him an eternity. Finally, he saw the cave. Once again, he stepped inside. It was pitch-black. He felt around with his feet and found sharp rocks. Or were they shards of rocks?
“Crystal?”
“Yes. I am Crystal…You must be the Chosen One of the legend…Bouldar.”
The voice was soft, but clearly feminine. After speaking, she began humming the ancient song Bouldar had heard in his dream.
“Who are you?! How do you know my name?”
He was startled by the existence of another dragon in Thuban.
“Dragons know all. Step into the light so I can see you.”
He did so, but warily, knowing that, if angered, a dragon could easily incinerate someone.
“You are quite small for your age.”
“So when do I see you?”
“Oh! Forgive me. I’ve been living in this cave for so long, I’ve forgotten what I look like!”
She stepped into the light, revealing a dragon who looked as if carved from perfect crystal, hence her name. She was seven feet tall and eleven feet long. Her wingspan was twice her length, tail included. She was regal, elegant, and younger than Titan by a millnium or ten. She wore armor of chocolate colored leather, covered with chain mail, which was then covered with steel plating, each of which was made of the same perfect crystal as she was. She also had a dragonsaddle on her back, and a dragonbridle that ringed her neck to support her armor,made of the same chocolate leather as her armor. The dragonbridle had no bit to allow for firebreathing. All in all, she was armed and ready for battle,her body armor having been honed to perfection.
“You’re the Crystal Guardian!”
“Yes, I am. Are you ready for battle?”
She was enthusiastic, but Bouldar was in shock. He was speechless. He, Bouldar, a poor boy, was to become Thuban’s first Dragonlight!
“Yes, I’m ready.”, he lied. His stomach felt like a writhing worm inside him. How am I going to keep from getting airsick?
“You will not be airsick. That much I can promise.”
“You read my mind!”
“Did I? It’s a bad habit. I ask again, are you ready for battle? Answer me honestly.”
Am I ready for battle? I’ve never so much as seen a sword. What if I say I’m ready and then get killed?
“I will not allow that. If anyone is to die, it is the king, and if I am going to die in this fight, I’m taking him with me.”
“Then, yes, I am ready for battle.”
He climbed into the saddle and pulled the swords in the saddle out of their sheaths. They were a glory to behold. The first was called Saving Grace and was made of steel and bronze. Apparently, it had saved Crystal’s life in many a time of recklessness. The other was called Bloody Thirst and had been used in cases of massive slaughter (It was as powerful as today’s weapons!). Crystal was planning on using the Saving Grace to knock the king’s sword out of his hands and finish him with the Bloody Thirst. Bouldar suggested that Crystal use her natural weapons and a sword for the whole battle so that he could use a sword as well. Crystal agreed to use the Bloody Thirst. She had a feeling the Saving Grace would be more of a bane in this fight.
They flew to the center of Thuban, shouting the downfall of the king to encourage the townsfolk to join them in battle. Villagers grabbed clubs, torches, pitchforks, and all sorts of other things. They marched to the castle with Crystal and even Titan flying high above them, screaming out they war cries like bugling horses. The king flew out on his black dragon, who screamed out his own ringing cry. All of a sudden, everyone was tangled up in battle.
Bouldar and Crystal circled the king and lunged out whenever they could get a clean shot. Finally, after they had fought for weeks on end, Crystal said, “I grow weary of this endless fight, but I shall fight on.” Then, she repeated what she told Bouldar that day in the forest to the king, ”If I’m going to die,I’M TAKING YOU WITH ME!!! DIE!”
On the final word, she dove straight down with the Bloody Thirst out like an arrow. When she struck the king, both of them howled in agony.
Bouldar was scared to look, fearing what he might see. When he did look, he saw the king and his dragon fall to the ground, dead. He let relief wash over him a second too soon. Crystal’s chest was pierced with the king’s sword, Black Misery. She managed to land gently, despite her injury.
“Will you survive?”, Bouldar asked desparately.
Crystal smiled. The blood around her wound vanished, followed by the wound itself. She said, ”It will take more than a pierced heart to kill a pure-hearted dragon.”
Bouldar hugged her neck as the crowds swarmed aroung them, cheering and yelling at the top of their voice, ”All hail King Bouldar! All hail Guardian Crystal!”
Bouldar and Crystal paraded back to Titan’s lair. He was unscathed from the fight and met them with blessings. He passed his wisdom to Crystal and Bouldar. Then, as his physical form dissolved into the air, He said, “Look to the sky,Bouldar…”
Meanwhile, back on Earth, I marveled as the star, Thuban, in the constellation of Draco shone brighter than a supernova. A star appeared next to it, and I named it Titan.

I agree, awesome story! I'm amazed at how you were able to build your characters so well in such a short work. I really felt Bouldar's confusion and fear (and determination) as he and Crystal talked of battle.

You asked for suggestions, I have only a very few really; Proof-read your story again - watching for misspellings and grammar problems. For example you wrote about when Bouldar found the Dragon Tear after hearing a scream; "When he returned to the spot where he heard the scream, he found . . ." This is slightly confusing, did he return to the spot he was standing when he heard the scream, or did he arrive at the location that he thought the scream came from? This was a little ambiguous I felt. Then, in Titan's dialog with Bouldar, you have Titan saying "My mind ain’t what it used to be!" I just couldn't picture an ancient dragon of great wisdom saing "ain't" - unless your intention was that Titan would try to match his way of speaking to the person he was speaking to? Also, I seem to recall spotting a couple of spelling or typographical errors as well (for example; "windering" instead of "wondering" - right after Bouldar's dream).

I really loved the story as you've written it, it's full of magic and hope, extremely well written. Have you ever thought of "fleshing it out" and making a longer story? One thing you could flesh out is the connection between Crystal and the Dragon Tear - this was definitely implied and your story is wonderful as is - this would just be a suggestion for when/if you decide to write this into a longer story.

Keep writing, you definitely have a talent there.

_________________Yes ... I'm 55 years old and only began playing Pokémon in '09. I may have to grow old, but I do NOT have to grow up!

Hey! I know you,BarnOwl! You're on that other topic I started! I'm glad somebody appreciates my works;in school I'm teased because I tell people EXACTLY what I'm thinking and put all my thoughts and feelings out in the open.Apparently,you're supposed to become what is "in style".Being a non-conformist,I do things my way when I have a choice.So what if the 80's aren't "cool" to listen to? So what if going around with a naked face (local slang for not wearing makeup) isn't "cool" to do? So what if being academically awesome isn't "cool"? So what if I mess up the butt of my jeans when I ride horses bareback and then wear the same jeans to school,sweat marks and all? I care not.As Toby Keith once sang,"I don't give a dern what other people think,what do you think about that?!" (yes,it's misspelled on purpose)

But,anyway...I used the spellcheck on my computer.Apparently,it missed something.As for Titan's informal usage of "ain't",he hates formality.He doesn't use it unless he absolutely has to (being an elder dragon,he could probably get away with talking that way all the time).And "fleshing it out"? I've been told by a couple of people that I should.However,I'm just too busy right now to do much of anything.I'm going to be a freshman at Northwood on August 18 and I'm working feverishly to buff up my brain.Between high school and my boyfriend issues (which I pretend don't bother me) there isn't much time for other things.I'll start fleshing it out when I get a chance (Hey! This is DRACONIAN KELSIE we're talkin' bout here! When I say I'm gonna do something,I mean I'm gonna do it!).

P.S.High-five! My age number my change,but my state of living won't! You're only young as long as you call yourself young.Among us horsemen and women,"You don't quit riding because you age.You age because you quit riding!" And by riding,I mean both riding horses and living life! So live large because you are in a free country and you have the right to pursue happiness!
AMEN TO GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

_________________

My new Dark dragon,Chaos!

Thu Jul 29, 2010 9:39 pm

Ghost Writer

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pmPosts: 382Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.

It has a nice concept to it, and there's definitely something there to be had. But there were also some problems that should be addressed.

Firstly, you're just diving right into the meat of the story without taking the proper amount of time to establish the characters, setting, and frame some sort of plot. That little narration at the beginning was a good start, but just wasn't enough. I want to know about Bouldar. I want to actually see Bouldar get picked on by the other boys. I want you to spend some time establishing just how much he's picked on, his personality, his physical traits.

The second problem I had was that you're trying to progress the story too fast. Break up the finding of the Dragon Tear and Titan into several more chapters. It's like when the fast forward gets stuck on your remote while you're watching a movie. You get the basic bits while you're trying to fix it, but it's going by so fast there's no time to actually get some detail.

Nit pick things now. Try putting spaces between your paragraphs. It makes it easier to tell them apart. And Spell check can only do so much. Proof reading it multiple times will help smooth it out. The more you proofread, the more it will become second nature to you.

But, my battery is dying, so I'll end with this; KEEP WRITING. You've definitely got something going here, and with some work, it could be fantastic. Just keep at it.

As I told BarnOwl,I'm going to rewrite it and make it better (no plot changes!) when I get a chance.I'm preparing for my freshman year of high school,so I don't know when I'll get a chance.The only reason it progressed so quickly is that I wrote this for my English class in 7th grade.I had five days to write it,so my only choice was to hurry.

This is pretty good for a seventh-grader's story, but if you're going to rewrite it, there's always room for improvement. First of all, every part of a story should have a connection to the story (obviously). For instance, you don't want to mention Titan's ancestors simply because he used an expression. Superfluous sentences should generally be avoided. Now, if you flashed back to Titan's childhood, and he learned something from one of his ancestors that Bouldar could relate to, then it would be okay. Hopefully you see what I mean.

Second: I would like to see more of the battle. One minute we were in the cave, the next we were killing the evil king. I want to see arrows flying, armies preparing, and the bond of Crystal and Bouldar grow as this all happens around them.

Third: Crystal seems more important than Titan, and yet Titan is the one who gets more time in the story as well as the star at the end. This would've been more meaningful if Crystal was maybe the daughter of Titan, or if Titan had died at the King's hands. You know??

Overall, I'd say it's pretty good. Just keep what Ghost Writer, BarnOwl, and I said in mind, and the next version will be much better. Good luck!

It's finally here! Part one of The Dragon Tear's rewrite! I hope you enjoy it!

PS Can somebody help me? can't figure out how to get the post to look like the text in my wordpad document.

The Dragon Tear (Revision)

People have always had a profound interest in the stars.Ever since the ancient Greeks stars have marked everything from seasons to directions to a child's future.Man's interest in these celestial bodies was not unfounded;I have discovered life.Everything from "real" animals to mythological and fantastic creatures exist on these "planets".Here,everything is as it should be.But it was not always so.
As the legend goes,the country of Draco was once ruled by an evil king who ruled with absolute power and despotism.The people would do as he said or perish.So evil was he,to this day none speak his name,for they fear it gives him power.The citizens of Draco spent their time always hoping and praying that someone would take a stand and put an end to his evil reign.
The city of Thuban was the capital of this vast empire,and the epicenter of the king's evil deeds.Those living here were the ones who felt the king's presence the most.In this dark city lived a boy named Bouldar.He was an ordinary boy;a mid-height lightweight with the thin,lanky build of a runner.His blue eyes always carried the expression of a frightened deer.His father had been executed for treason,so Bouldar provided for his mother by hunting and selling the parts of his kills that he didn't need.He also brought herbs from the woods that his mother used to make medicine and other things,which were then sold.He was often teased for both his appearance and his father's execution.He often told his troubles to the patron dragon,Titan.He was a gold dragon of massive size,rivaled only by Ajax,the silver dragon of Betelguese.It was not unusual for people (and animals) to come to Titan for advice.He knew more than any other being,so it made sense that people traveled from as far away as Arcturus to see him.Titan's advice to Bouldar was always the same;"Don't worry,Bouldar.One day,animal hides and transparent minerals will be more valuble than silver and gold." Bouldar never understood what Titan meant by this.After all,the king's monetary system was based on silver and gold,not hides and crystals.
Just beyond the border of Thuban,there was a forest.Only those brave or desperate enough to risk being shot by the king's soldiers or eaten by wild animals dared hunt there.Bouldar was the best hunter in the region and was unafraid of the beasts.He had killed several of them,including giant boars and lions impervious to swords and arrows.He was also small enough to hide and quick enough to run from the soldiers.As Bouldar was hunting one day,he found a single drop of water hanging from a pine needle.
That's odd.It hasn't rained in weeks. He went to it cautiously and examined it.It looked just like a drop of water.As it slipped down the needle,however,Bouldar felt that he should catch it. This is too out of the ordinary to be a drop of water. When it touched his hand,it shone like liquid crystal,changing colors as Bouldar shifted it in his hand.In the center was a glowing sphere of crystal that made Bouldar feel as though he were holding someone's very soul in his hands.He quickly and carefully made his way to the ruined temple just inside Thuban's gates.If anyone knew what this drop was,Titan did.
When he approached the giant dragon,he hurriedly stammered out what had happened.Titan,being incredibly ancient,could not keep up with Bouldar's quick speech.
"Slow down,youngster! My mind ain't what it used to be!"
Bouldar made another,slightly less frenzied attempt to explain,"I was hunting in the woods and I saw this drop hanging from a pine needle.When it fell into my hands it got shiny and I saw an orb inside it.Do you know what it is,Titan?"
"Let me see that..."
Bouldar held his hand out as Titan inspected the drop.
"This is incredible! I haven't seen a dragon tear in years!"
"A dragon tear?",Bouldar asked,confused."What's that?"
"Well,it's not like the tears we cry.It is the essence of a dragon's being.Sometimes,dragons would give them to their best human friend as a gift.For one to be simply lying around is unheard of."
"So,what do I do with it?"
"Find out whose tear it is.There is a place called Van Maanen's Star.It is in the country of Pisces."
"Pisces! That's so far away!"
"Patience,youngster.There is a portal to Van Maanen's Star in the Christmas Tree Nebula.The land belongs to the peaceful nation of Monoceros.If you know your geography correctly,it is much closer.The only problem is,that portal hasn't been used in thousands of years.Once you enter the portal,you have about an hour before it shuts down.If you're still inside,you'll die.If you are out by then,you must flee as fast as you can,for the portal will explode violently.I know from experience.A few of my ancestors were killed in such an explosion."
"You have ancestors?!",Bouldar asked incredulously.
"Of course,youngster.Everyone has ancestors.You can learn a lot from their mistakes and achievements.For example,my great,great,great,great,great,great,great,great-"
"Okay! I get it! You had an acestor that went back several generations! So,when do we leave for this portal?"

As to your question first; as you have already discovered - "WordPad" sucks. The formatting which you use in WordPad seldomly translates well to any other program. My first suggestion would be to check out Open Office - this is a free office type suite which includes top-notch word processing, spreadsheet, database and other programs. Open Office is completely compatible with Microsoft Office and can save your written documents in several formats including Word, plain text and PDF. It also should be able to read your WordPad documents directly - if not, it wouldn't be too much of a problem with "The Dragon Tear" to copy and paste your text into it. I'm not sure of the system requirements, but if your computer isn't too old and runs Windows (which I am assuming, since you're using WordPad), XP or 2007 you would probably be okay with it.

The other alternative is basicaly just to paste it into the Psypoke message screen and fix the formatting before you hit "submit". Actually, you can click the "preview" button first to see how it's gong to look once it's posted. Then go through and manually fix the formatting issues before you click "submit". You can also go back and fix the formatting issues (when you have time) by clicking "edit" at the bottom left of your post.

This is looking better. I'm getting a better feel for Bouldar's circumstances. However (to pick nits) there are a couple of bits that I think might be . . . polished a bit. Bouldar's hunting; where you say; "Bouldar provided for his mother by hunting and selling the parts of his kills that he didn't need." This sentance kind of leaves me with the impression that Bouldar is keeping the best parts of the kill, and maybe selling the leftovers. I know that's not the case, but just that part of the sentance has that feeling. Would he not be selling the best parts and only keeping the lesser cuts for himself?

Also you say "He had killed several of them,including giant boars and lions impervious to swords and arrows." If they're impervious to swords and arrows, how were they killed? Perhaps they only seemed to be impervious?

The good news is, I'm down to nit-picking. Overall, this is looking very good so far. (And no - you are not allowed to nit-pick MY spelling and grammar.)

_________________Yes ... I'm 55 years old and only began playing Pokémon in '09. I may have to grow old, but I do NOT have to grow up!

The good news is, I'm down to nit-picking. Overall, this is looking very good so far. (And no - you are not allowed to nit-pick MY spelling and grammar.)

LOL! Well,sorry in advance;being the geek of the family,I tend to correct people impulsively.I got the idea of the boars and lions impervious to swords and arrows from the labors of Heracles.He didn't kill the (Eurymanthian) boar,he ran it into deep snow and beat it senseless.I know,pointless.He also strangled the (Nemean) lion.

Wouldn't that make Bouldar buff? Not necessarily.People are genetically inclined to have certain muscle groups develop.In Bouldar's (and my) case,no matter what happens,the muscles get stronger,but not bigger.For example,lifting a Western saddle is tough.Although my arms are just as wimpy-looking as before,I can now lift it onto a horse with a stool and minimal strain.Why the stool? The horse I ride most often is TALL.You can see his picture (and read my blog) on my MySpace profile.Look for Kelsie Alane.If that fails,try Kelsie Darmstaedter.If that fails,you're screwed.

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