Adventures in Parenthood: When Mom and Dad Don’t Drive

New Here? Welcome! Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can peruse the archives here and read here. You can also follow along on Facebook,Twitter, and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.Thanks for visiting!

Drew was born and raised in Manhattan and, as a result, has made it to (almost) 42 without ever learning to drive. When I got pregnant last year, Drew and I had a deal that I would take an introductory class in Judaism and he would get a driver’s license. While I failed on my end of the deal — hey, it’s exhausting work growing a human! — Drew did take three driving classes — not enough to actually learn to drive, but enough to almost run over a mother and child crossing the street and rattle his nerves so much he’s not likely to ever get behind the wheel again. Unfortunately, driving is something that, while I actually have the experience and license to do, makes me a nervous wreck, too, particularly in the city where we live, so much so that I’ve only driven once since moving to New York nearly five years ago. Sometimes this is a terribly disappointing scenario, especially in terms of raising children. I’d always envisioned taking family road trips or driving my kids to the community pool for swim lessons, but if both Drew and I remain hopeless causes behind the wheel, I fear those fantasies may stay just that.

While I haven’t officially given up the idea that we may eventually be a car family — or, at the very least, a family who occasionally takes weekend drives in a sensible rental to pumpkin patches in the fall or lake cabins upstate in the summer, Drew’s idea of being a mobile family is more focused on choosing the perfect stroller for our five-month-old. Instead of poring over Bluebook values of gently used cars like many middle class parents with growing families, Drew pores over consumer reviews and instruction manuals of strollers. He stops people on the street and asks their thoughts on whatever model they happen to be pushing their precious cargo in. And when we finally made it to the baby store in our neighborhood last weekend, he fretted over the difference between an UPPAbaby and a Maclaren (we settled on the UPPAbaby, pictured above).

Rolling our new stroller out of the store, I felt a twinge of sadness that there wasn’t a horn to honk at passersby to celebrate our big-ticket purchase. Marking the occasion instead with a couple Margaritas at a baby-friendly Mexican restaurant down the street, I was reminded of one of the upsides to not driving. After finishing our drinks, we carried the folded stroller onto the street where Drew and I took turns trying to figure out how to open the damn thing. Neighbors walked around us as we passed the baby back and forth and shook the stroller, pushed its various buttons and doohickeys and finally got wise and looked up the directions in the owner’s manual.

I immediately imagined us, instead of on the friendly streets of Park Slope, Brooklyn, on a busy freeway with an overheated engine or a flat tire or a loose axle, pulled over to the shoulder of the road and calling triple-A with a screaming baby in the back seat. The vision doesn’t do anything for my anxiety about driving, especially with a partner who doesn’t have a license, but it does temper some of my immediate disappointment over our current state of mobility. For now, I’m more than happy pushing around a stroller through Brooklyn and darting around New York City on the subway with my baby nestled next to me in a carrier. But talk to me this summer when my craving for a road trip kicks in… I may end up revisiting the deal I made with Drew last year and take those Judaism classes, after all.

Comments on this entry are closed.

JoannaMarch 21, 2012, 1:14 pm

I can’t imagine growing up and never learning to drive. It’s just one of those rites of passage. I had friends from NYC in college, and was always boggled by the fact that they never learned to drive. Before I met people from NYC, I could not imagine growing up and not learning to drive. It seemed to be one of those grown-up things one always wants to do when they’re little.

But I guess with as much public transit as there is in NYC, you never really need to learn. In most areas, public transit sucks (such as my city) or is non-existent (like in rural areas).

Yep, that’s pretty much my mindset too. But I’ve always lived in rural Ohio where pubic transportation is nonexistent. I didn’t get to go ANYWHERE for the first 16 yrs of my life because my parents didn’t feel like driving me and wouldn’t let me ride with anyone else, even my older siblings. When I was 15, I was able to get my temporary permit and learn to drive. After a lot of driver’s ed classes and logged hours driving with my parents, I got my license a few weeks after my 16th birthday. I already had a car, as my parents had given me their old ’86 Mercury Grand Marquis that they no longer drove.

the buses only run one way (into the city in the morning, out of the city at night). If a family without a car wants to go to the “baby store” to buy a stroller even in the middle of downtown Houston, there is no way to get there.

Not saying it’s GOOD transportation (it sucks), just pointing out that it’s there in some limited capacity. But I agree that it would be great not to have to spend forever in traffic from hell and then fight for parking in minuscule lots. Am not looking forward to doing that in a few hours from now =/

My town is the same way, too. We have a public bus system, but it doesn’t go to probably half the areas of the town, and takes an hour to go 15 miles. Having a car is simply not an option! Only the University students with meal cards are the ones who can get away with not having wheels.

Good old Houston. Always fighting traffic on 610, or just anywhere else really. I wouldn’t mind the “lack” of public transportation (not really in my area) but there is nowhere within walking distance for me. Or if there is, I have to pass through a somewhat shady area of town….no, thanks.

My stepson is 20 does not drive and probably for good reason…. Living out where I do driving and having a car when you have kids is a necessity. My son’s social life is busier than mine! (Sad but true!) We are a 3 car family. 2 Priuses that we drive around town to work and my son’s events and to his school and an old beater van that we use to lug lots of gardening stuff, drive us up skiing or to the airport with all of us and our luggage. We do not drive it any other time. I am someone who needs to get out into nature regularly so without a car that would be impossible. I always wanted to drive and have mobility. I have heard that in NYC you really do not need to know how to drive. Hard to imagine. Definitely saves money not to own a car…. and better for the planet!

As I´ve mentioned here before, I started driving when I was 31 (and totally nervous about it). I never ever wanted to drive (Buenos Aires and the surrounding area, where I live has a good public transportation system), but then I had my eldest, and it was a totall hassle getting on the bus with stroller, baby bag, etc. And working (I was making house calls at the time) was taking way too long, having to walk to the bus stop, wait for the bus, then walk to the next house. So for my 31st bday, my husband bought me a car.
I´m still pretty nervous about it, but I have no idea what I would do without a car now! Especially with 2 kids: the 4 year old walks a lot, but not everywhere we would have to go. Not to mention dropping her off and picking her up from kindy, playdates, birthday parties, all the shopping, doctor appointments, etc!
The next step is changing my car, it is getting way too small for me! Hopefully I get to keep my husband´s car and he gets a new one, but I doubt it will end up that way.

Perhaps Drew should try taking driving lessons on Long Island. It might be a bit more expensive to get out there via the LIRR, but I’m sure you could find a quieter neighborhood to practice in to ease him into it a bit more before facing the city streets.

Driving in the city can cause a lot of anxiety, even for an experienced driver. But the number one thing that you need to drive in the city is confidence. Otherwise, you’ll never make your turn, you’ll have people honking and swearing at you, and you will vow to never get behind the wheel of a car again.

Oh, you guys have seen this one before. It says: “Lock Up Your Daughters.” If this were a feminist site, I’d have to change it to “Lock Up Your Daughters (And Maybe Sons, Too). But we don’t have to be THAT politically correct around here.

On top of being PC, that would also be a lot to fit on a tiny baby shirt!

Speaking of baby shirts, I was shopping for my friend and I ran across these shirts on LTD Commodities and one of them said “I’ve been on the inside for 9 months!” (Which was extra funny for me because of my husband and he said that’s the first one he’s getting our kids).

Hee hee. They should make onesies that say those things for adults. I’d totally wear one around the apartment…. Sexy.

I got my French friend – who speaks no English – the “Poops I did it again.” I had to translate it in French and then explain that it was a Britney song and what “oops” means and what “poops” means and how in English the words rhyme… and it was just not funny anymore. So there’s a baby in France wearing this onesie and no one there gets it. That kid is so avant garde.

Another curse of the suburbs…. NOTHING is scarier than being followed by a car driven by a teenager who just got their license! I have another 7-8 years before my little son gets behind the wheel. That is another thing.. *I* certainly am not going to be the one who teaches him how to drive! I’m just not strong enough!

I think I’d die without my car. But then again public transit here SUCKS. When I was in college, the distance between my house and my job was 7 minutes by car, but 1.5 hours by bus, because there was no bus that went in a straight line, it had to meander all over suburbs, then I`d have get off at another station, wait, then transfer to yet another bus that would meander all over the suburbs yet again til it finally arrived at my work. Oh, and no bus after 10pm so I couldn`t even get home from work.

Driving in a big city is frustrating and chaotic. You have to be aware of pedestrians, bikers, other cars, trucks, etc. I’d be intimdated if I had to learn to drive in a highly populated area. I suggest if Drew really wants to learn how to drive, he should start off slowly like in a large parking lot during off hours when no one is there.

For my very first driving lesson, my instructor took me to an extremely windy road in the Santa Cruz mountains, a road I had no business being on as an inexperienced driver. He was kind of a putz and the school eventually went under (no surprise there).

For my first driving lesson, the instructor took me out on 280 to practice getting on and off the freeway. Totally nerve wracking. Then when I got home my dad took me out to teach me to parallel park in his truck. That did not go so well.

I’ve been driving all over a big city for the last 10 years, and it’s not so bad (aside from the bikes not stopping at stop signs) but I agree, if I had to learn to drive here, it would be so intimidating (much more than the onramps on 280!).

I live in an older neighborhood, built before there were automobiles. I do have a mini-van, but I walk whenever possible. I don’t live near a good department store, we use to until it moved up to the mall 25 years ago when I was a child.

I find it odd we live in a city, but my husband has to get on a highway off to some office park in the suburbs to work. I would die in a cul-de-sac. Commuting (not work) sucks of the life out of people. It is such a large part of quality of life, kids or no kids.

I can relate! I live in Philly & have an hour commute to the burbs, on some of the worst roads in the US (Roosevelt Blvd & I-76 aka Screwkill). Worst. Drivers. Ever. Like, ‘OMG a fender bender on the side of the road, lemme just slam my brakes tho I’m goin below speed limit straddling 2 lanes while I chat on my cel phone about it!’

While my initial lessons were on rural roads, I am glad my ex taught me how to really drive in the city. It was panic-attack inducing at first, but now I can drive anywhere, tho with my current 65 miles a day, annoying, brake-destroying, sanity-sapper of a commute, not as eager to be in my car…and don’t get me started on gas prices…thank God for my loud stereo

Driving in the suburbs is significantly easier and less stressful than driving in the city. I grew up driving in North Carolina and loved it, I drive stick and everything, and it still took a year of driving only on Sunday (which is a very quiet day here in vienna car wise) before I felt comfortable driving in the city.

I live in a medium sized city (about 220,000) and its laid out so that it is nearly impossible to not drive. We have public transportation that is ok, but not great (I actually take the bus to work, but I drive to a transfer point first because there isn’t a convenient bus stop near my house unless I want to walk a bunch of block as 5:30am). Our stores are all spread out and there are very few residential areas near them. Even living downtown isn’t helpful because there aren’t really any grocery stores.

Madison. It’s totally hopeless. I have had to have a car on campus for the past 2 years because it would be impossible for me to get to work taking the bus all the way out to the west side… With 2 transfers. Ugh.

Right now I get off pretty easy living near the North Transfer Point. I drive there in the morning (about 4 minutes away) and take a bus that drops me off downtown right near my building and I have a carpool that takes me to my car at the end of the night. Of course I’m moving to the west side in a month and I’ll have to figure out my buses again.

Not driving is strange for me. I have always lived in the Midwest where there is no public transportation. I currently work 25 miles from home which comes to almost 300 miles a week behind the wheel. I once drove from Ft Lauderdale to Wyoming by myself. I had a rough patch a few years ago when I was in a head on collision. I was terrified to drive for year, but had no choice. I would often be crying behind the wheel. Finally got over it, the whole get back on the horse things does work.

I grew up in the Bronx and have no problem driving in NYC! You can practice your patience!(Also, get good insurance!!!) Now granted, it took me 3 tries before I passed the test to get my license, but now that I live around DC, I am always driving up to NY, so I have gotten a lot of practice in the 10 years since I’ve had my license. The thing that always makes me chuckle is people bitching about New York drivers. Come down to the DC/MD/VA region and you’ll have something to bitch about, lol!

I have many friends from NYC that actually do have their licenses and let me tell you, driving with them makes me fear for my life from start to finish. So, maybe it’s a blessing that Drew doesn’t drive lol My one friend rambled on and on about what a good driver she was when rented a car in college to go to LI and she nearly ran over about ten people in the city and drove in the left lane on the main road because “it’s where she felt comfortable”, even though she was doing 15 miles UNDER the speed limit. I’m not religious at all, but I prayed for my life that day. haha

I’m a nanny now just outside of Boston and I can definitely see the benefits to just throwing the kids and all their junk (why do little people have so many things?!) and just hitting the road to the zoo or the playground or swim lessons. However, when everything can be reached by subway, bus, or just walking, it’s pretty nice too.

New Yorkers just shouldn’t drive. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive outside of New York either. Because driving in NYC is like a gladiatorial event. Normal rules of safety, and basic decency, don’t apply. It’s a game of intimidation and no one has insurance! So they act like they’re driving oversized bumper cars.

This is also why NJ drivers suck, because they learned to drive in New York. Jersey is actually worse. They have highways and can travel at elevated rates of speed well beyond the capabilities of their feeble driving skills.

Why would Jersey drivers learn to drive in NY? Um, no. Most Jersey drivers actually hate NY drivers. And we are good drivers, we just drive in a more aggressive style than most people are used to (which is why I have no trouble driving in the VA/DC/MD area…same style). Doesn’t make them bad drivers..

Driving in cities bothers me more now than it ever used to. There’s just so much to pay attention to, especially it you’re not familiar with the area, and my anxiety levels sky rocket. Driving in baltimore or philly’s not so bad, where it’s more grid-like, but dc is awful and you couldn’t pay me enough to drive in NYC. I was pretty sure I was going to die in a cab in manhattan! Haha.
The beltways around dc get pretty intense too. Agree with whoever said above that in city driving, you pretty much have to drive like an asshole if you want to get anywhere. It gets nerve wracking.

For me, it depends on where I’m going. Like, I don’t mind driving to friends houses in the middle of philly, even when the roads are crazy, because I’ve been there enough times to get familiar with where I am. But once I’m in the city, my car stays put and they drive wherever we go.
And parking. Parking is just ridiculous and makes me angry.

Learning to drive is extra hard when you’re doing it past the age where you are indestructible. I didn’t learn until I was 20 and I was terrified. It helped that I hired a driving instructor who was a retired state trooper. I swear nothing could frighten her and because she was always calm even when I was trying to kill us, I was much, much calmer. Cause that’s the thing, learning to drive and getting used to driving after you’ve gotten your license involves a lot of near-misses and heartburn.

My advice would be, if you want to drive out to go on an outing, take the train out of the city before you pick up your rental car. The hassle will be worth it. Driving in big cities always gives me heartburn even though I’m used to it by now. There’s just so much you have to worry about in big cities: lost tourists, locals who can’t drive, bicycles who can’t obey street signs, pedestrians who are allergic to sidewalks and crosswalks… it’s too much to worry about when you’re in the stage of driving where you’re still worried about staying in your own lane.

Oh I’m totally with you and Drew on how terrifying driving in the city can be. I’m originally from midwest suburbs so I had to drive everywhere. I’ve now been living in DC for 6 years and I still feel nervous every time I have to drive somewhere new. Drivers are crazy agressive and you have pedestrians just popping out between cars without looking. Plus we have fun roads that change direction based on time of day so you might suddenly find yourself on a one way street going the wrong way or nose to nose with another car in the middle of the intersection because your car clock and theirs are 5 min off. I alway take public transportation if I can but I admit it’s nice to have the option to hop into the car for a massive grocery store run or trip to Ikea.

Those are the worst! When you have to sit there and calculate what day/time it is and whether the lane you’re driving in is, in fact, a legal lane *while* you’re going through a busy intersection. Ugh.

I feel like they created Virginia roads by giving a retarded monkey a 1/5th of gin, a crayon and a napkin and asking him to draw major infrastructure. Every time I have to drive to National Airport I usually end up in tears. Except for that time I saw a Super Shuttle and followed it. That was my one and only stroke of genius in my life.

Oh I hate driving to VA. As crazy as DC is I can handle it. But in VA no roads are straight and you have to be on a road that’s impossible to get to across the intersection or you had to take the fork in the GW parkway 50 feet before and it wasn’t signed. And if it’s rush hour and you’re anywhere near the key bridge just give up on life.

I’ve actually always lovvvedd driving and am the one who volunteers to take the wheel for road trips. Unfortunately years of commuting in Los Angeles have made me a Very Angry Driver and I fear that it will taint my relationship with my car forever. Need to find a job closer to home STAT.

I definitely agree with everyone that a) Driving is a very important skill, and b) I don’t blame Drew for finding driving in the city to be terrifying! I’ve seen videos of what NYC’s streets look like, and it looks more like a cattle drive than an organized system. I’d be hyperventilating! Is there such a thing as a driving school on the outskirts of NYC, that you can take a cab to and then learn how to drive on the regular roads? Then you could just pick up a rental on the outskirts of town after being taxied there, and Drew won’t have to drive through the NYC death trap and you’ll still have your pumpkin patches

So here’s my question for you urban moms and dads: What do you do when you take a cab with your babies? Do you have to lug around a baby seat to use in the cab? Or do you just hold the baby? But don’t you by law need to have the kid strapped in a car seat? So maybe you just never, ever take a cab until the kid is a certain age? That’s what I always wondered.

Honda Insight. Its basically Honda’s version of a Prius for quite a bit cheaper. I did the comparisons though and they were so similar that for a decent savings, I went with the Honda. I have not one complaint about it and I could complain about anything. I’m getting about 40-43 mpg on average.

“I don’t know how to drive cars that work.”- Last night’s episode of New Girl rang very true

I hate driving, mainly because cars have always screwed me over. I have been in so many frightening car situations! The most frightening, however, was 3 years ago when my Honda Civic gave up on me during my first week at a new job. The only option I had (besides buying a new car I could not afford) was learning to drive a stick shift so that I could drive my brother’s old truck. It was terrifying. I would leave for work an hour early just to avoid stalling out in massive amounts of traffic. The thought of sitting at a stoplight on a slope made my stomach turn. But, I didn’t give up and eventually got comfortable driving it. I still drive it today, actually, because I’m back in school and don’t feel like having a car payment.

So it makes me sad that Drew has completely given up on driving after one scary incident. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 19 and completely embarrassed myself learning how to drive, but it made me a very cautious and safe driver. Don’t give up!

I live in NM and I just can’t imagine never learning to drive. Our public transportation is pretty much nonexistent. I’m always amazed when people can’t drive a stick shift, it really never occurred to me that there are grown men who don’t know how to drive at all. I’ll admit, I’ve visited NYC and totally loved taking public transportation everywhere, so it makes sense that some people might never learn if they always lived somewhere with good public transportation. I love road trips though and would really miss them if I didn’t drive.

I grew up in Ohio, live in the suburbs, and our public transportation isn’t the greatest. I can’t imagine having not had my license at 16, and some of my fondest memories involve a last minute car trip or simply cruising around with my friends. Now, it takes me 15-20 minutes to get to school or work in a car but an hour or more on a bus. No matter how many times I try to convince myself it’ll be a productive hour on a bus, I just hate waking up that much earlier than necessary.

And, maybe this is alarmist, but I just can’t imagine not having a vehicle if I really NEEDED to exit a particular locale. There are terrorists and natural disasters and all sorts of scary things that happen, and it’s nice to know that I can get to point A to the middle of nowhere of my own volition. I had to evacuate New Orleans before Katrina, and thank goodness my suite mate had a van.

Wow. Culture shock. My 14-year-old car broke down around Christmas last year and I had to spend $2,000 dollars (more than it is worth) to fix it because a) public transportation exists but wouldn’t take me close enough to work or be able to get me home at night because it stops running at 5pm (also does not run on the weekend), b) there weren’t really any car dealerships open around Christmas and in the time that it would take to find a car I would probably have been fired for not showing up at work c) I am too young to rent a car and d) no one else has cars to lend because they are, um, using them to get themselves to work, etc.

Did I mention I live in the capitol of my state? You’d think not having a car (even for a few weeks) would be an option, but alas, no.

I was up, dressed and ready to go to the DMV at 8 am on my 16th birthday. I can’t imagine not even wanting to drive. Then again, I’d literally starve if I didn’t have a car since my town does not have public transport and I don’t live within walking distance of a grocery store. Not to mention how I’d get the groceries home – shopping for a family of 7 is never a light trip.

I love to drive. I love my cars (yes, I have 2). I will give it up when they pry a steering wheel from my cold dead hands.
Seriously though, I have never lived in a city where driving wasn’t a requirement (Fort Lauderdale, Orlando, Houston… not much public transit in sight) and I can’t imagine doing things like grocery shopping without a car. How do you buy soda? Or bottled water? Or IKEA furniture? You wrestle it down the escalator, through the doors, and hold it between your knees on the subway (I’ve been to Manhattan and seen that ridiculous crap). Eff that, I’m tossing it in the trunk.

How do you do it? Well, I buy groceries a lot more frequently but in less quantity. I pass by a few grocery stores on my way home from work/yoga and every other day I’ll pop in for 2-3 items only. I don’t drink soda but I have other heavy/bulky items: detergent, wine, and toilet paper. And I get those only when I have a car – I rent a car about once every other month or so to buy heavy/bulky shit like that. It’s an adjustment – but now I’m used to shopping that way. Here, everything is a production, you see. You can’t just “run to Target” after work real quickly, without it being your full evening activity. Sometimes I miss being able to run errands really quickly and at a moment’s notice, but meh, the cool things about urban living far outweigh those conveniences, imho.

Hey SpaceySteph, remember that one time you were not engaged and then your boyfriend proposed and you were engaged? That was awesome! 😉

😀 Yes, I remember that. Remember when I had hours to waste on the DW because I didn’t have a wedding to plan? And now I don’t, because I do have a wedding to plan so I spend my life on wedding wire instead? Ahhhh!

Also, Target trips are my whole evening’s activity… but probably for a different reason. I can’t leave there without trying on everything in the store and spending $100.

I got rid of my car around two and a half years ago, and then suffered a bad ankle injury and wasn’t allowed to drive two years ago – I recently got the OK to drive from my ankle surgeon, but now the idea of trying to drive in Boston terrifies me! (Even though I did it for a few years before I stopped driving.) I’m not sure when I will actually get back behind the wheel, but I know my fiance hopes it will be sooner rather than later.

I’ve never lived where public transportation was a realistic option. The few times I was without a car it took 3-4 times as long to get to work with 1 hour or more waiting to connect with the next bus. When I was 10 my folks let me steer the car while sitting on their lap on back roads. For all of that I had lots of trouble learning to drive a stick shift in my late teens. Like many other things in life you just have to keep at it.

The only thing about never driving your whole life – well you miss out on a lot of beautiful scenery. Sure you can fly somewhere & take a cab to the hotel, etc, but road trips are fun and completely in your control.

I hate driving in big cities and no doubt public transportation is cheaper & easier, just can’t imagine never driving.

I have to laugh…. just read this after getting off the phone with my accountant who was absolutely shocked and mortified at what I pay for my SUV as far as payment and interest. I told him its my hobby, not just a way to get around LOL!!! But having the option to not have a vehicle has got to be nice. Of course, I have the option to not have my fancy Jeep but I love it so I make it work. I just can’t imagine not being able to drive… but I like the recommendation to have Drew practice where it isn’t so crazy. City driving stresses everyone I know out!

Dear Drew,
I am male, sixty-five years old, who has never owned a car nor had a driving license. I have saved money, done less damage to the environment and, most importantly, have never caused an accident.

Hang in there, pal.

Wendy, back off. He is a good guy who does not need to hear the woman he loves tell him he is less than a “real man” because he isn’t using the fossil fuels that are currently slaughtering men, women and children in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I never said he was less of a man. I don’t think that at all. And i don’t think I’m less than a woman for not liking to drive. I’m proud to be part of a family whose footprint is pretty light on this planet.