Ostrich: Bride plans first burlap-free wedding in Alabama history

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.

In what's being called one of the greatest feats of engineering since the Panama Canal or the Hoover Dam, an Alabama woman has successfully planned her entire wedding without using a single piece of burlap.

Erin Pryor, the bride-to-be, announced the breakthrough to a small gathering of family and friends earlier this week before making her accomplishment known to the rest of the wedding planning community. Before today, it was believed to be impossible to plan a wedding in the South without the use of certain materials like burlap, mason jars, or twine.

According to experts, this latest development in the world of Southern wedding planning will open up a wealth of new materials, so long as those new materials are available at Hobby Lobby. Sarah Stephens, a local expert who has planned four of her own weddings, said this may finally open the door for other easily accessible materials such as chicken wire and reclaimed Alexander Shunnarah billboards.

"I'm just so excited about the possibilities for my next wedding, mostly because we ruined all of our burlap when the gravy fountain at our mashed potato bar malfunctioned," recalled Stephens. "That burlap has made it through all four of my weddings, so I really needed a new trend to roll around before my fifth."

Despite all of the excitement for this revolution in Southern wedding decorations, some brides are skeptical and question if their guests are ready for such an abrupt change.

"I think it's great, but I'm still not sure how she plans to pull this off. How will the guests even know they're at a wedding if there are no chalkboard signs pointing them towards the ceremony?" questioned Stephens. "Next you're going to tell me that she's getting hitched in an actual barn and not a rustic-looking building in the middle of the woods that appears to be a barn from a distance but is actually a fully-functioning reception hall."

It remains to be seen if Pryor will use her engineering talents in other areas. Researchers have already requested her assistance in developing a new way for couples to announce the birth of their child without taking pictures of their shoes sitting beside a pair of baby booties.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich.]

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