The Key to Economic Recovery Is In My Pants

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Good news everyone, the economy is officially on the rebound.

No, I’m not an economist. Hell, I’m not even sure what an economist actually does. Nor am I basing this on my extensive studies of the stock market. I think I own a few shares of A.T. Cross pens that my great-grandfather bought me 30 years ago, so my portfolio isn’t too extensive. So I know what you’re thinking: how does someone who knows nothing about economic trends or the stock market know for sure that the economy is on the upswing?

The answer is in my pants.

When I was living on my own and dating MJ, I had lots of extra cash. Every weekend I’d take out a few hundred dollars and I’d party with my friends in Boston. We’d go barhopping, hit up a Red Sox game, order some pizza, etc. When Sunday rolled around, I’d head back to MJ’s place to beg her to do my laundry spend some time with her.

At that point I’d be very hungover and forgetful. You know how it is after a night of drinking when you swear you had a few extra bucks left over from the night before, yet the cash is mysteriously gone. It’s like the Beer Elves robbed you. This seemed to happen to me all the time. I was positive I didn’t spend all my money, yet by the time MJ did my laundry I couldn’t find any of it.

Little did I know MJ was playing a sick game of Finders Keepers.

Turns out, MJ wasn’t doing my laundry just out of the kindness of her heart. Instead, she’d put my clothes in the wash and then keep all the laundered money. She was hauling in $10s and $20s and banking the money for future expenses without telling me, because she knew I’d just spend it like a moron if she gave it back to me.

She finally admitted this to me when the economy soured. I asked her one day about a year ago how she always managed to make ends meet with these hidden reservoirs of money that always seemed to turn up. That’s when she came clean and lamented the fact that I never had any more money hanging around in my pockets. And she was right. For the past couple of years my pockets have been downright barren. There just haven’t been an extra dollars to spare. If there was a dollar sitting around it was spent. And since I couldn’t just take out hundreds of dollars at a time “just in case,” there was never any change.

But yesterday there was a bright spot on the horizon. MJ was doing laundry and she let out a surprised little chirp. There, in my pants pocket, was two dollars! I know it’s not much, but with loose money making a comeback in my pants pocket I’m ready to declare an official economic rebound.

So fear not good readers, your financial hardships are over. My pants would never lie!