5 Tips for a Meltdown-Free Disneyland Trip

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Jun 16, 2011

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As I mentioned earlier this week, my family of four—two thirty-somethings, two 23-month-somethings—recently did our first road trip to Disneyland, a.k.a. the Happiest Place On Earth, a.k.a. Thank God They Sell Diet Cokes Every Ten Feet Or Else I'd Need Sedation. We weren't sure what to expect out of our boys in the long lines and the heat and the overstimulating surroundings; it was only at the end of our final day that we felt truly prepared to do the park with twin toddlers. For anyone looking to make a similar pilgrimage, here are the top things we learned for making sure your incredibly expensive Disneyland vacation does not leave you a quivering mass of incoherent pulp.

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1. Look into non-stroller transportation. Our dudes have grown to hate their stroller, but they're at the age where they still bolt willy-nilly into crowds and then randomly decide they don't feel like using their legs anymore. Our only recourse was to wheel them between worlds, and between parks, which led to a lot of wailing and stiffening of spines every time we tried locking them down with the five-point harness. So imagine our dismay to see a family coast past us pushing their child in a buggy, which my kids have at home, and adore. It never occurred to us to check whether we could bring those into the park, and if we had, we'd have gotten a lot more cooperation from the boys even as the sun beat down on them. Le sigh.

2. Do not eat at Disneyland. Seriously, the family-oriented—and even human-oriented—food options there are awful for adults and same-y for kids (except for the corn dog vendor on main street, whose wares are Heaven on a stick). It was worth it to us to walk to a nearby chain restaurant in Downtown Disney. The meal cost us exactly what it did to eat the world's blandest turkey sandwiches (meat plus bun, plus... nothing) inside Disneyland the night before, the air-conditioning was in full force and the boys were much better company.

3. Stay at a park-connected hotel. At Disney, this is pricey. But shelling out the extra bucks for an on-site room is totally worth it. If your kids are in our boys' same age range, it is invaluable to have the ability to walk (or monorail) quickly to your hotel for naptime. You maximize your time inside the gates, don't mess with parking, and can beat a hasty retreat when all that unbridled cartoon joy pushes them over the edge. Bonus: If they don't nap, you can spend some of the hottest hours of the day cooling off in the swimming pool. Where they serve cocktails. I'm just saying.

4. Make ample use of recreation areas. As much as we wanted the boys to love every single corner of Disneyland, at their age they mostly just want to run around and grab stuff, which is hard when you're in line for half an hour at Autopia. Disney isn't great with advice for parents of toddlers, so here's mine: Go to Toontown at Disneyland, where they can roam in Goofy's playhouse and frolic in large cartoon cars, and the Redwood Creek Challenge Trail at California Adventure, a relatively shaded area full of slides, bridges, water fountains, you name it. Someday they'll grow out of it and into bumper cars, but for now, this saved our restless dudes from the less-fun Disney Tantrumworld.

5. Avoid indoor rides unless they know the players. My memory failed me about Mr. Toad's Wild Ride—I thought it was just a herky-jerky thing the boys would love because it involved cars. But for them, the spooky images and creepy voices were the terror equivalent of that scene in Knocked Up where Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd drop acid and then see Cirque du Soleil's Mystere. Ditto for "It's A Small World" and the spinning Roger Rabbit cars, where they wept throughout. But the equally dimly lit Monsters, Inc., ride in California Adventure and Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters in the motherland were greeted with clapping and smiles. Turns out there's no reason to be afraid of the dark as long as Buzz Lightyear is coming to the rescue.

Have you survived a theme park with young kids, and no emotional scars? Share your tips and tricks.