Sexuality, aging shouldn't be taboo

I recently interviewed three experts who will be speaking at a major conference on a rather taboo topic on Friday in Chester.

They’ll
be addressing “A Holistic Approach to Sexuality and Aging,” a subject
that’s often swept under the rug or ignored altogether.

Pursuing
intimacy past 60 years of age is not acknowledged or condoned in our
culture. If people are having sex in their retirement years, well, we
just don’t want to know about it. But know about it we will, as this is
the first in a three-part series on sexuality and intimacy in aging.

What
I found so striking when talking to the professors, marriage counselors
and relationship therapists was their ease and comfort when talking
about sex. Each found the topic joyful, yet described the nuances of
sexual activity in such a matter-of-fact way that you immediately feel
like you were talking about something as mundane as grocery shopping.

It
sure isn’t how I remember sex education from Sister Mary Catherine,
which she summed up in three words: “Don’t do it.” The “or else”
consequences were pretty scary.

“Our culture is dominated by
sex. However, it’s extremely misunderstood. We think that sex equals
intercourse,” says Dennis Dailey, professor emeritus at University of
Kansas.

It’s why he developed a widely heralded model of
understanding human sexuality known as the “Circles of Sexuality.” Throw
away the sex equals intercourse formula and start envisioning five
overlapping circles that we experience throughout a lifetime.

The
first circle, “sensuality,” represents awareness, acceptance, comfort
and enjoyment with one’s body. It involves the five senses, especially
the one of touch, or what Dailey calls “skin hunger.” We need and crave
skin-to-skin contact. In fact, skin is the largest sex organ of the
human body.

The second circle involves “intimacy.” It’s our
need to experience emotional closeness to another person in a very deep,
caring and loving way.

“Sexual identity” makes up the third
circle, which is influenced by gender roles, gender bias and sexual
orientation. It’s how we interpret and express our maleness or
femaleness.

The fourth circle, “sexual health and
reproduction,” is how Dailey believes we dominantly view sex in our
culture. Our attitude toward intercourse is intricately tied to our
beliefs toward reproduction, which for many people justifies their
sexual activity. Once you can no longer reproduce, become disabled or
mentally challenged then sexual behavior is no longer seen as “normal.”

This
circle also attends to your body’s physiology, anatomy and physical
ability to perform sexual activity, along with the health consequences
of sexual behavior (e.g. pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections).

The
final circle, “sexualization,” uses sexuality to influence, control or
manipulate others for good or ill ranging from flirting to rape.

Surrounding
all of these five circles is one larger one representing “society and
culture,” which signifies their profound influence on how we function
within each circle of our sexuality.

Now that we’ve circled around to a new way of viewing sexuality, what does all this mean for an older adult?

Dailey,
who will be the keynote speaker at the conference, rallies older adults
to fight off the insidious, negative messages that our culture throws
at them.

“Don’t let society define who you are sexually.
Don’t let your adult children make you feel guilty or abnormal. Don’t
fall for the sex equals intercourse formula. And don’t be duped by
society’s unrealistic expectations and performance demands of the young
and beautiful.”

According
to Dailey, research and clinical evidence shows that for large numbers
of people, sex gets better with age. Older people are able to become
more intimate and have learned to let go of the “young and beautiful”
performance expectations that those magazines at checkout stands would
have you believe is the norm.

“Getting laid is simple,”
quips the 73-year old professor. “The tricky part is to maintain a rich
erotic bond with your loved one over time, and that’s the sexual
challenge in aging.”

Note: Last week, I wrote about a free
event sponsored by Advanced Physical Therapy offering a personal balance
and falls risk screening from 10 a.m. to noon on Sept. 20 at 102 W.
Allen St., Mechanicsburg. The phone number was incorrect. To make a
reservation, please call 717-790-9994. Email Linda Rhodes at rhodescaregiving@gmail.com or visit her Web page at lindarhodescaregiving.com and click on “Email a Question.”

IF YOU GO: “A Holistic Approach to Sexuality and Aging” is 8:30
a.m.-4 p.m. Friday on the main campus at Widener University, 700 E. 14th
St., Chester. Registration is at www.sexualityandaging.com. Email
questions to saconsortium@widener.edu or call 610-499-1378. It’s open to
the public and recommended for social workers, nurses, physicians,
long-term care facility staff, ministers, rabbis and marriage
counselors.  The series: Next week, I will review some of the
physical and psychological challenges of aging, how it affects
sexuality, and what one can do to enjoy an active, healthy life of
intimacy.

On Sept. 24, the series will address an issue that
thousands of skilled nursing facilities and families are grappling with —
how to address the sexual needs of residents with dementia. Are we
protecting them or robbing them of intimacy and joy? Is it consensual?

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