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Online Dating Bloopers 11

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. My patience levels have been lower than usual lately. I will sometimes ignore the men, and sometimes they get a snarky reply.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

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“How are you” He is 13 years under my age range and is also a submissive. I don’t understand why guys like this message me. I just hit the block button.

“Hi….are both your legs tattooed?” Once again, no, my legs are not tattooed. They’re called pantyhose, guys! This guy is a smoker, so there’s not a chance in hell anyway.

“I’m 39 yrs old im6’5 with a big heart. i am the type of guy who doesnt judge anyone or treat anyone with disrespcet. It doesnt matter what on the outside it the inside that matter to me. I would love to talk to you some more here my number if you like to call me XXX-XXX-XXXX..” This is generic, and it’s from a guy I have little in common with. I also wonder what kind of woman is going to respond to a message like this with a phone number in the first message.

“Hey there sexy girl. How are you?” I often only send the link to this post in response.

“Do you expect people to ask for your picture?” This guy pushed my buttons, so I responded, “Only the ones who are seriously interested. It filters out a lot of assholes.” And then I hit the block button.

“I like your picture. It definitely captures the moonlight in your eyes.” This guy was local and my age, and this was clearly a sarcastic comment. I just had no interest in him or replying.

“Hello Am ROY Hope am not invaliding your privacy, i Saw your profile on ok cupid, i thought i should contact you I’d like to meet someone looking for the eventual intimacy of a long-term relationship that wants to explore new activities and share some common interests with. You also share yourself easily with the right person and will surprise me with your own unique characteristics and interests. Hope that’s you .I am a well educated , intelligent , passionate man , with a very good sense of humor. I work very hard , but also enjoy times of relaxation, travel , fun ,and activity.” This wasn’t someone local. And there are just so many problems with this. He was clearly spamming women because his account has been deleted.

“Hi look, you owe me 99 cents because your profile melted my heart like a snickers bar in a pocket on a hot summer’s day. Anyway I hope to hear back from you because you look really interesting. Have a nice evening” This was someone not local who was also clearly spamming women. His account has been deleted. As far as corny pickup lines go, this one is a winner.

“Hello how are you doing today ,my name is Ben..” Again, another deleted account.

“Hey there! I’m ken. How are you?” This is someone local and my age, but he hadn’t filled out his profile. A week later, his profile is still mostly empty. He’s counting on his good looks carrying him. No thanks.

“Nice tattoos” He’s from New Jersey, and for the umpteenth time, those are stockings, not tattoos!

“Hi, how are you doing today, you look beautiful and awesome,.” Yet another guy sending a generic spam message because this doesn’t work for my photo of myself. His account has been deleted.

“Well say hi” This is someone who is 1.5 hours away, my age, and in no way a match. I hadn’t checked out his profile, so the comment is weird at best.

“hello how are u” This guy is from Arkansas and is not a good match at all.

“wanna chat sometime my name is randy XXX.XXX.XXXX” He’s three hours away, and no, I’m not going to call a man who sends me his number in the first message. Plus, his profile picture is him holding a fish.

“Tell me secret of you Sal” This man lives in Israel, and his profile is written in Hebrew. Clearly this is a bad translation. Pass.

“Incredible profile, I see you have written erotica, have you ever published any online? You seem pretty open minded so I have a question I have always wanted to ask someone, if 2 people of the same sex exchange oral sex, does that count as a sexual encounter do you think?” He’s from Oklahoma, and I didn’t even bother looking at his profile. I’m never sure if this kind of message is a man trying to jerk my chain, to find someone to have cybersex with, or is someone who is genuinely trying to get info. I send factual information and then hit the block button in response: “Yes, I have an erotic fiction blog. Any two (or more) people of any gender or any sex having oral-genital contact are having sex. The same is true of manual-genital contact, anal-oral contact, anal-genital contact, or manual-anal contact. All have a risk of sharing STIs. For informational reading, I suggest Good Vibrations’ sex ed pages, Good Vibrations’ book, or The Guide to Getting It On (any edition, available on Amazon or elsewhere).”

“Would love to chat sometime young lady. Frank” This was someone local, and he’s in my age range. However, he hasn’t filled out his profile at all. Then there’s the way he messaged me. I sent back the message, “I, like all women, deserve to be approached with respect. You have failed at that. Please read this blog post I have written. You have failed at many of its aspects.” And then I hit the block button.