“The former Germany captain was caught by a mobile speed camera doing 131mph in his four-wheel drive Audi U7 on a Spanish motorway near the resort town of Trujillo on Oct 17. The limit for that stretch of road is 75mph.

At his initial court hearing the day after his arrest, his legal team were told that he faced a two-year driving ban and an £8,000 fine.”

Naturally Ballack has argued the fine, because no one’s ever been guilty of a driving infraction. Except Ballack’s excuse is particularly ridiculous – though it’s not even an excuse, but more of a play for pity: He wants the fine reduced to £800 because he can’t afford £8,000. And why can’t he afford £8,000? Because he was released from German soccer club Bayer Leverkusen in the summer.

“Just because he is a famous footballer doesn’t mean he has any money coming in,” said [his lawyer Jesus Gallego] Rol, who also pointed out that driving at high speed is tolerated on German motorways.”

You mean that Michael Ballack, the same man who made millions playing soccer professionally, the same man who was rich enough to turn down a $5 million offer from an MLS squad this past summer, the same man who was driving a $50,000 Audi U7 when arrested, the same man who commentated the World Cup in South Africa two summers ago (and most likely got paid well for it)? Yeah, that one. He’s broke, people. Join the pity party.