Tell Me About It.

Director unable to control online dating scene

August 30, 2003|By Carolyn Hax.

Dear Carolyn: Like many, I'm trying out online dating. One woman seeks me out. She's bright. Pretty. Funny. Ivy League. We live in different cities, but she's moving to mine very soon. We agree that until you meet in person, the Internet thing is somewhat inconclusive. So we agree to keep it light. Go slow. We don't exchange last names. Just e-mail. It's fun. Light banter. We play chess. Things are good. I'm a film director, so she asks me for my credits. I politely say I will give them to her -- just later. (With credits, you learn last names, and can rent DVDs and listen to audio commentary and, well, I wasn't ready for that in the first few days). She says OK and drops it.

Turns out, she took my first name and some other innocent information I had provided and Googled me. And rented a DVD of mine. I felt like we were playing cards and she peeked at my hand. I responded with "I'm both flattered and a little weirded out." Instead of apologizing for jumping the gun (which would have been all I really needed), she accused me of being a control freak and defended her actions by saying she needed to know if we were in "creative sync." Then she said I can't control what or how someone learns about me. Well, with some people I guess she's right. I'm thinking "NEXT." What do you think?

-- Google Me Out

Preoccupation with appearances ("Like many"? "Ivy League"?) plus acute distress at not being able to control how you appear to others plus career in film direction equals oh my. Control freak. With a capital eek.

You are in a public profession, and your name is on your work. Yoo-hoo. I suppose I can see your point about not having shared your last names yet, but, unless you said that explicitly, she had no reason to believe your sudden desire to keep your public life private was anything but coy e-mail flirtation -- especially since most of what you two had generated so far was coy e-mail flirtation. And because all you had to type was, "I don't want to reveal too much personal information." Or, I think more accurately, "This isn't the way I had envisioned revealing my personal information."

If it makes you feel any better, her "creative sync" justification was a howler.

Still, her lame excuses are beside the point. (The current point; they do factor into the next one.) People, and therefore your relationships with them, aren't scenes you can direct. They're autonomous, willful, sloppy, curious, unpredictable -- and much more compelling than if they were none of these things. What a waste to try to control them.

And a waste of time. Since none of us really can control what anyone does behind our backs, stop trying. Have the nerve to let things go where they go, and not just where you'd "agreed." If you like her, just like her.

Next point: You don't have to like her. She doesn't have to like you. It's not that you differ, but how you differ that counts. In other words, apparently, "NEXT."