A very, very, very long time ago (like, before you were probably even born), we published a post called “The Best Homework Excuses” (circa February 2011).

Since most teens complete their homework at warp speeds (with correct answers), it’s not uncommon for the homework to spontaneously catch fire and burn up. Thus, you need an excuse, or reason, why you don’t have your homework, making that post one of our most popular posts ever.

It occurred to me, though, that we’ve totally forgotten to give you good excuses for being late to class. I mean, that’s another problem teens face: we’re usually so wrapped up during passing time with helping other students find their own classes, polishing lockers, and meticulously picking crumbs up off the hall floor that we sometimes lose track of time. This means we’re late to class, but our teachers won’t believe those stories.

So, in an effort to make your life easier, and your excuses more believable, I give you the best excuses for being late to class.

First, you need to know what some of the common and over-used excuses are, so you can avoid them. They include:

I was in the bathroom

I tripped going up the stairs (sorry)

I fell going down the stairs and had to pick up my stuff

I bumped into somebody else and dropped everything

I tripped on the carpet and fell on my face

I was talking to another teacher about a grade

I forgot my textbook so I went back and got it

I was getting a drink

I’m sure you’ve heard all of those before. Most people have. Consequently, they don’t usually work, unless you are a really good actor or have some major bruises on your face from falling.

No, instead I recommend that you resort to some of these fresh, new, updated excuses:

I tripped as I was using the bathroom

I fell down while getting a drink and hit my head on the water fountain, knocking me unconscious for exactly two minutes

I forgot my face so I went back and got it (sorry)

I bumped into my textbook and dropped everything

I was talking to the stairs about a grade

I tripped over another teacher and had to pick up all 72 sharpened pencils they were carrying

But let’s say that you’re really late. By really late, I mean weeks, maybe even months late to class. School might be out. It might be dark outside. The teacher may be leaving for the night, furious that you haven’t yet shown up for class. In that case, you need to resort to your one-time-use-only, guaranteed-to-work, best excuse for being late to class:

I was getting a drink when another teacher body-slammed me, making me fall down two flights of stairs. At the bottom, I rolled into the bathroom, which I needed to use anyways, but then I realized that I’d forgotten to bring a toilet. I was going back to get it when the carpet grabbed me to talk about a grade (sorry). At this point I was running because I was pretty late, and I tripped seventeen times trying to go back up the stairs. Eventually I just had to crawl up them. Sorry I’m late.

I know, I know; they’re all brilliant. Don’t waste time thanking me, though. I’d hate for you to be late to class.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave now (on Sunday) so I am only a few minutes late. I think I have a test coming up.

Now, before you all start thinking that I’m some cocky, conceited writer who slaps ‘best’ into random titles, I looked around to make sure that this was truly the best information.

The first website I got when googling “advice for high school freshmen” was a wikiHow page. On this wikiHow page were such precious nuggets of advice like “eat breakfast and lunch everyday,” “accept change,” and “be yourself.”

If you need to be told to eat your morning meals as you enter high school, then I want to know: what have you been doing for the first fourteen years of your life? And who doesn’t want to accept free change if someone’s handing it out? Use it to buy yourself breakfast.

As for the “be yourself,” well, who else are you going to be? You can’t just show up on the first day and expect that if you call yourself “Abraham Lincoln” people will compliment you on winning the Civil War and tell you to watch out for people named John. It doesn’t work that way, unless you’re some sort of alien-thing. Therefore, while that wikiHow page might be the best advice for incoming high school freshmen who are not human, my advice is best for humans.

Now that we’re all sure this advice is the best, it’s probably time for me (now an upperclassmen) to actually give you the advice. Whether you are an incoming freshman or not, I’m sure you’ll get something helpful out of this. Unless you are illiterate, of course, in which case, I’d like to congratulate you on making it this far.

The Fashion

One of the biggest concerns for people like girls and appearance-conscious guys* is the new set of fashion guidelines. No longer a dorky junior high student, you are probably worried that your suspenders, cufflinks, double-breasted vests, Spartan warrior costume (complete with fake spear), fedoras, shoulder-high socks, and brilliant cowlick comb over combinations won’t fit in.

*which, probability-wise, have a lesser chance of existing than aliens who know how to navigate wikiHow.

Well, here’s some advice: if you were made fun of wearing it in Junior High, you will probably get the same treatment in high school. Only it’ll be even worse, because you’ll be in high school for four years (instead of the 2-3 of middle school), where you will be stuck with a nickname like “suspenders dude,” “tall socks,” or “Frank.”

For girls, I have no idea (past the made-fun-of standard) what the fashion is. It is usually changing faster than you can look up the word “couture” in a dictionary, so if you’ve got clothes that won’t work right now, save them for a few minutes until they become hip.

For guys, as long as your fashion falls under all of the other advice in this guide, you can pull anything off with enough indifference and quiet confidence. You could wear spaghetti in your hair and marinara on your shirt, and as long as you walked around looking like you didn’t care (but knew) that you had an Italian meal splattered on yourself, you’ll be fine. If someone does approach you, and asks, “Dude, you know you’ve got some carbohydrates in your hair?” simply reply, “Yeah, so?”

Navigating the School

This will be your first year at school, so you probably won’t have any idea how to get anywhere.

As far as finding your classes goes, know that each school was designed so like subject classes are close together (such as all the math classrooms being in the same hall). However, there is always one exception because the school ran out of classrooms. Your class will be that exception, so if you have an English class next, look in the English hall last. It’s a brilliant system that never fails.

Room numbers tell you only what floor your classroom will be on; otherwise, they are useless. There are no signs pointing down halls with things like “201-215 →” printed on them, and it’s not unusual to pass room 217 only to see that the next room is 247.35a.

Finding the bathrooms will be most important, but it shouldn’t be too hard. Simply follow the sounds of running water. There’s a low chance that you’ll end up at a nearby river and get swept to your death, but that doesn’t happen too often, especially if you’re wearing spaghetti.

Dealing with Upperclassmen

There are many important things you need to remember about upperclassmen.

Boys are pretty easy to handle. First, they are stronger than you. Second, they want you to know that they are stronger than you. Thirdly, they are stronger than you. Basically, unless it is unavoidable, do not annoy nor bump into any upper-class boys.

Girls don’t necessarily have the strength advantage, but they are terrific at gossiping. Who hears that gossip? The boys. And remember, the upperclassmen are stronger than you.

Seriously, though, if you are really lost, or are directly approached, and cannot avoid talking to an upperclassmen, take precautions. Remain a safe distance away, and start every sentence you say with “I’d like to remind you that I’m mostly just bones and not very tasty sopleasedon’teatmepleaseplease.” They probably won’t hurt you.

(If you’ve done something to offend an upperclassman but they haven’t returned the favor yet, it might be a wise idea to keep that model spear you made when you were ‘supes chill’ in junior high school somewhere nearby, like in your pencil case).

Dealing with the Work Load

Don’t complain to your teachers, nor the upperclassmen, how much work you have. The teachers will give you more work. The upperclassmen? They’ll just tell you things like, “You have a 20-page paper due at the end of the week? Dude, I’ve got a 4,556 page paper due next class and it was assigned by email at 3:00AM this morning,” and scare you about the next 4 years of your life.

You can complain to other freshmen, especially as a conversation starter, if it gets tiring to keep talking about how awesome the upperclassmen are (but, as an upperclassman, I can say that it probably won’t).

Basically, you’ll be facing four years of the most work you’ve ever had to do in your life. But don’t even think about that. No, what you need to do is procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow. Literally, if there is no tomorrow, then if you don’t do the work today, you’ll never have to do it!

Sadly, the global calendar hasn’t bought in to this, but teens everywhere are working on it. Or at least, it’s at the top of their to-do list for when they stop procrastinating.

Lockers

Lockers are the one thing that will still intimidate you, even when you are a 400lb, 6′ 5″, senior with a voice deeper than a subwoofer. As such, they have been already covered on this blog: here’s how to break in your new locker, and here’s why lockers are not your friend (this one’s also illustrated, with 4 more pictures than normal).

As you finish this guide, and actually prepare to show up at high school, I want to leave you with one more piece of advice: read this blog. Or, at least, pretend to. It won’t make you rich, and it will keep you from getting your work done, but it should fulfill that gaping hole in your soul that your hormones create. Plus, we’ve covered and continue to cover just about everything you ever wanted to know about high school life (that’s PG-rated, of course. Yes, I know that means we only cover about 15% of high school life*).

Oh, you don’t have a gaping hole in your soul? Let me see that Roman spear real quick.

*Just joking, gullible freshmen. You don’t need to be that scared. The number’s closer to 35%.

Last year at this time, we took a break from the back-to-school craze and covered something equally as unpleasant (although it lasts for a much shorter amount of time): The Torturous Dental Examination. Want to know what really happens at the dentist? Well, you should, for the preservation of your mental health the next time you go.

You want the easy version? Don’t show up. Ha ha, just kidding, of course. You know that if you don’t show up, you won’t make any impression at all. Even though that is probably a better impression (a nonexistent one) than you will make (being a teen).

Three things contribute to this, the fact that you can’t make a good impression: peer pressure, age, and lots of other things.

For instance, in terms of peer pressure, you can’t just use the old “Wow, Mrs. Brown, regardless of the fact that you just broke my feet with your six-inch high heels, they really make you look at least 80 years younger,” because you will become an outcast and a teacher’s pet, or teacher’s floor rug, in this case, due to peer-circulated rumors.

Agewise, your brain simply doesn’t work right. As a teen, that is a scientific fact. Also included in current scientific facts are that the Earth is round (yeah, right), bees shouldn’t be able to fly, and that the earth orbits the sun (as a teen, the earth, along with the rest of the Universe save Pluto, orbits you).

When considering these scientific facts, I would note that there appears to be a total of 1 scientist who is a teen, so that’s probably the reason for these errors (and biases). Also, this 1 scientist has been doing science since he was 0.02 seconds old, and, unsurprisingly, has also played the violin since three years before he was born.

The lots of other things vary, but I’ll try to explain them. I know of at least stuff, which can be the stuff that keeps you from liking anyone who assigns homework to the stuff that drives you to mix the homework in with your dog’s kibble at dinner. I have also heard of objects, factors, and nouns, but I’m not sure I can explain those as well.

So, then, how can you make a good impression?

Costumes

No, I wouldn’t give you bad* advice; I am telling it like it is. You should do some background research, using Google, Facebook, and any other service your teachers may use that essentially allows anyone in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD to invade their PERSONAL PRIVACY, and discover whether your teacher has any favorite movie, book, or TV series/characters.

Come to class on the first day of school wearing a costume like one of these characters. Sure, you’ll need to bring 4-8 costumes that day, but in the long run, it is definitely worth it. For example, your teacher may grade you more easily, assuming you “aren’t all there.”

*depending on your definition of bad; it could be a sarcastic bad or a low-quality bad or a malicious bad, etc.

Become a Member of an Oppressed Minority (OM)

The underdog is always a crowd-pleaser, and very popular in today’s culture. So, then, by using simple and pure logic, you can figure that walking around with a dog on your head is the perfect way to appear under(a)dog-like.

Seriously, though, you need to be a part of an oppressed minority (OM) group, so that you can win over your teacher’s favor.

A great time to implement this is when the teacher takes attendance. So, when she calls, “Barnaby” instead of saying the usual reply of “Who names their kid Barnaby?” you would say “I prefer to be called the pity-worthy oppressed minority, or PWOM for short.”

Another great way to establish yourself as an OM is to create a Facebook group for OM’s and then join it.

Take a Page from “How To Influence Wins and People Friends”

Actually, I think the title is “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” but all you really need to know is that it was published in 1937, back when the most people you could know at any one time was 4, unless you lived in a big city, where it was 6 (because big cities had a constant influx of people, mainly young, male, back-alley urban professionals who all, coincidentally, were named “Mugger”).

Regardless of the fact that this book was published before there were such things as technology, it can still aid you in your predicament.

Here’s the secret: you take a page, rip it out of this book, and tape it to your forehead.

This is a great way to make a first impression, because, according to Amazon, this book “was an overnight hit, eventually selling 15 million copies.” Basically, this book is extremely popular, so everyone would jump at the chance to read even a page for free.

Besides, it’s not like this hasn’t been done before. In fact, according to the Amazon free preview, on one of the opening pages it states, in big bold letters, that, “The more you get out of this book, the more you’ll get out of life.” With that in mind, I think a pair of industrial scissors are a good investment.

I would love to give you even more tips to make a good first impression, but I’m out of time. (I’m also out of milk, bread, and genetically modified walking and talking apples, if anyone is going to a store soon). I just learned that my “Elmo” costume came in.

Depending on who you are, you may or may not know what a trust fall is. Basically, the idea is that if you fall on someone and they catch you, you can trust them. This springs from the philosophy that everyone is a scheming, backstabbing monster, and people having over-interpreted the idea of Social Darwinism. Often, one trust fall spurs another, because teenagers are mindless followers who think that falling on people is a brilliant idea. To the onlooker, however, it appears that plague has struck. I mean, imagine it.

You are walking down a high school hallway, and then-whoosh-the person to your left just went down. Whoosh-person on the right. Whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh. You’re the only one standing, frantically trying not to breath the contaminated air or come in contact with the collapsing teenagers. That is why trust falls are the leading cause of insanity in adults who infrequently visit high school hallways.

Also, injuries from dropped trust-fallees are rising; last year alone I would estimate that 5,468 people visited the emergency room from this, based off of a survey I conducted in 1732. This is absolutely horrible; just think of how crowded the ER waiting rooms must be. If that isn’t bad enough, I should mention that the teen years are the stage in your life when your brain is wired wrong (but Ed from the radio will fix that, and he gives free estimates, too!), so if you were dropped the first time, and, somehow, weren’t injured, it is likely that you thought it would be a good idea to fall until somebody caught you.

Worse is the fact that trust falls have led to a decrease in trustworthy people. Often, the trustworthy person is crushed to death when trying to catch the fallee, due to rising obesity problems.

You could prevent trust falls, if you wanted. All you need are some strong magnets, so people repel each other. However, this can lead to problems when shaking hands, high-fiving, and fist-pound-explode-backhand-slap-intertwine-two-fingers-jump-spin-clap-slap-slap-pounding.

How does this apply to your life? Simple. Next time you see your lawyer, accountant, or elected official, fall on them. If they drop you, well, I’d suggest buying a tinfoil hat and a set of oven mitts. The end is near.﻿

About Me

Before you get to thinking I am just the average brain-dead teenager, you should read some of my stuff. Then you'll figure out that I'm extremely brain-dead. For more on me, take a look at some of the about links (My Real Name, About this Blog, About the Writers).