An American away in England

onward

The last few days have been rough, but the problem’s not new. I bet you deal with it, too. By “it” I mean that shitty voice in your head that tells you you’re failing. The voice that tells you you’re worthless. That you shouldn’t bother trying because there’s no point. Nobody likes you. You’re too this, too that. Not enough this. Not enough, period.

“Shut up, Stupid.”

That’s me, but in two different ways.

It’s me telling me that every good thing I think about myself is wrong. That every positive thing someone says is something they don’t really mean — it’s just a white lie told to avoid embarrassing the weird but well-meaning girl who doesn’t know what to do with herself.

Every time I move someplace new, I manage to underestimate how lonely I’ll inevitably feel some days. I forget that there will be days when I feel like it was all a big mistake, because I don’t belong. Not here. Not anywhere. People either know how to be normal, or they don’t. I don’t. So what am I doing here?

But you’re here — on Earth — for something. I do believe that chaos rules. But I also believe that you can create meaning in your own life. Whenever I talk to the friends of mine who are still searching for that thing they can do like no one else can, I feel lucky to have formed a connection with reading and writing early. When everything else falls apart for me, I have words. And that’s something. Not everybody has a passion because they’re still trying to figure out what it is that lights their fire, which is a wonderful journey to be on. But at the same time, it’s nice to be at the end of that journey (for now, anyway 🙂 ). And even though I have horrible days — some to do with writing, some not — I have something to do with my hands. I have something to do with my mind that will (however briefly) quiet that caustic voice. I have a plan. When nothing else works, I can throw myself into reading a book, or writing something.

This post is as much for me as it is for you. So from me to me, and to you: Don’t worry — there will be bad days, but there’ll be good ones, too. Everything will work out. Keep your goals in sight. And keep trying your best, at everything.

Do you finish every single book you start reading? Do you start reading, take a break and then pick it up later? If you don’t finish the book, do you feel guilty about it?

I used to feel like the worst person EVER if a story I was reading started to drag and I even thought about putting it down for good. I basically felt duty-bound to finish every book whose cover I cracked. Like, this author took the time to write this story — I should take the time to read it, right?

Dude, you’ve already paid for the book with hard earned/mooched cash. But even if you didn’t spend money — as in you borrowed it from a library or a friend — you still spent time choosing and/or reading the book! Reading (a good story) is fun, but it’s also a time commitment. That’s why so many people cite “not having time” as their reason for not reading in the first place. You’re going to spend at least a couple of hours on a novel. And that’s probably a short one. And when you add in those moments where you’re so blown away by a sentence or paragraph that you have to reread it, your reading time gets longer and longer.

I’m finally at a point where I no longer feel bad about parting ways with a book I’ve started. Why feel bad? It’s not you, book, it’s me. Every book is not meant for every reader. Just like there are people you click with in life, there are stories you click with. And if you come across a story you’re not loving…

Don’t feel bad. Your time is precious. Just think of all the other great books out there waiting for you!

So remember when I did that post about life resolutions? I’ve been making progress on them and I’m feeling pretty good about it! Really, these are things I probably shouldn’t pat myself on the back for because it just means I’m being a grownup for once and taking responsibility for myself and blah, blah, blah. But you gotta start somewhere, right?!

I’m officially halfway through writing my novel!

It feels SO GOOD to say I’m halfway through this thing. Muuuuch better than saying I’m almost halfway through it. I’ve learned a lot along the way. Primarily that you’ve gotta work at your own pace (and silence those evil voices in your head that mock you for not having accomplished as much as so-and-so with the ridiculous 5 million dollar advance for their first book at the ripe old age of 19). That voice is a liar. You can only ever work at your own pace. You can only ever do what’s right for you; if you don’t, things have a much slimmer chance of working out the way you want them to. I’m learning to be OK with how I work, with what I actually want to do with my life, and with the way those two things take shape together. This is the first big step (after a bazillion smaller ones) in making my career what I want it to be, and I am making real progress on this effing monstrosity. When it’s all done, we’re gonna have the biggest party ever. Yes I said “we.” You’d better come. And bring booze.

I’ve been working out consistently!

I bit the bullet and got a gym membership and I’ve been working out every other day! I recently watched a vlog where someone mentioned how weird it is that they hate the idea of going to the gym, but love how they feel once they’re done working out. That’s exactly where I’m at. I hate EVERYTHING when I’m on my way there, and curse myself for even getting out of bed because what difference will it actually make?! Then I go in there and rock shit like I never thought I could, and walk out like I won the lottery. It’s amazing. And weird. I’m stilllll getting the hang of this healthy eating biz… but baby steps, y’all!

I’m saving money!

I bought a little heart-shaped bank from Tiger, one of my favorite UK stores ever (like a much smaller Ikea, minus the furniture). Whenever I have any change (including pound coins), it goes into the bank (which is kinda inconvenient when I need change but…eh). I’ve also drawn up a weekly budget for myself and am doing a (mostly) OK job so far of sticking to it! Again, baby steps. But the progress is visible.

I got my hair done!

You’re probably looking at the screen like “Huh?” but trust me…it’s a big deal. I started my dreads in the fall of 2012 and have been maintaining them myself since then. It’s not hard to do, but it is time consuming. And with how annoying it can be to get your hands all mucked up with wax/hair grease stabbing yourself in the head with 1000 metal clips, and no access to a sit-under hair dryer, I’ve just been putting it off and putting it off (and looking crazier and crazier). Yesterday was the first time someone else has taken care of my locs for me — using a method called “interlocking” which is like crocheting your hair, and which I’d never heard of before. And apparently what they did at the salon = me not having to touch my hair again for months, which is amazeballs! Freedooommmmm!!!

Not just the way it was shot but the direction, too. Just the right amount of time was spent on every significant moment. Nothing was milked or overdone. Nothing was rushed before you could get a handle on how you felt about it. And the whole story was especially poignant to view as an expat.

Brooklyn (based on the novel of the same name by Colm Tóibín) is about an Irish immigrant named Eilis who moves to Brooklyn, New York at the behest of her older sister, Rose. Rose arranges a job and a place to stay for Eilis in America because she wants a better life for her little sister than she’d have in their small town. So Eilis leaves her sister and widowed mother behind to make a new life for herself. At first, she’s terribly homesick. She can’t even manage to fake-smile through her shifts at work. But one day, she meets an Italian plumber and they fall in love. She grows into her life in Brooklyn and finally begins to feel at home. Until something terrible calls her back to Ireland for a visit. While there, forces conspire to make her stay. She must decide what’s most important to her in the end: the familiarity of Ireland, or the life she’s built for herself in America.

I cried like a baby watching this film. Everything about it is lovely. And what added another dimension to it for me was knowing that Saoirse Ronan, the film’s star, is Irish. I wondered how it must have felt to put herself in the place of her forebears. Watching this film allowed me the safe space to think about my own ancestry and what living back then might have been like for those I descended from (without the harsh imagery of what I know they experienced).

At the end of the film, Eilis says some beautiful words about leaving home to go elsewhere. She talks about that feeling, of finding someone who isn’t connected to your past in any way, someone who is just yours, and by extension, a life that is just yours. I realized that’s exactly the reason why I’ve moved around as much as I have. Finding a place that no one who knew you before is familiar with and making it your place. And knowing that all the people you meet only know the you in front of them now, not the you who existed before. There is something so alluring in that, in building something new that no one from your past has any claim to. It’s an attempt to build a better version of yourself. The you that you’ve always wanted to be. But the internal struggle between this new life and the comfort of your old life will always be there, rearing its head from time to time. But like Eilis, I think it’s important to look ahead. Own that commitment you made to yourself to start fresh. Because there’s a reason you went away in the first place. And whoever you are, and whatever that reason is, it’s probably a good one.

So trust yourself and your judgment, fellow expats. Know that, however hard it gets abroad, you made the best decision available to you at the time, and that wherever your life is headed, it’s someplace better.

I wish I could be like some of the other people I know who’ve said that 2015 has been their “best year yet” and that they can’t wait for what 2016 holds. I can’t in all honesty agree with the first part, but some pretty great things have happened to me in the past year that I’m very grateful for. However, I wholeheartedly agree with the second part: I’m curious about what the new year will bring. I have some goals that I hope to accomplish, but they aren’t “New Year’s Resolutions” because they’re things I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Like…

Have A Healthy Body

I have some really unhealthy habits leftover from high school (when my epic metabolism prevented love handles) that I’d like to get rid of for good. Exercise for me takes the form of an occasional long walk and some crunches here and there. I want to get into a regular routine of activity, but more than that, I REALLY wanna learn how to eat healthy. Up til now, I’ve been erratic with my healthy eating b/c it always seemed so expensive to get healthy foods that also tasted great. I love Whole Foods like woah, but I can’t shop there all the time. And when I put my healthy shopping on pause, it opens me up to eating truckloads of sugar and fast food and anything else that’ll mean I don’t have to do the dishes. I know you don’t have to shop at Whole Foods to be a healthy eater, but for a lazy eater like me, it’s just easier when a store is basically like “ONLY HEALTHY THINGS SOLD HERE.” Anyway, I’d like to get back on the health horse without falling off this time. Here’s hoping.

Have A Healthy Mind

Without going into too much detail, this has been my biggest struggle. Not of 2015 — of my life. Having great friends and loving family members is helpful, but there’s a lot I need to do on my own to reach this goal. It’s an ongoing battle that I’ve already made progress with, but there’s always more to do. I plan on making more strides in this part of my life, too.

Visit Japan

I have wanted to do this since I was 11 and watched my first episode of Dragon Ball Z. Japan’s history and culture is so rich and unique; I’ve always had a soft spot for it (and a slight obsession). The language is rhythmic and beautiful. The fiction is dark and strange. I need to visit that country. Growing up, what stopped me was a lack of funds. These days, what stops me is fear. I absolutely want to be there, but I haven’t spoken the language since I was an undergrad and have since forgotten a lot of it. I always wanted to go there as a fluent speaker. But now that I’m basically back at square one, the idea of going seems kind of scary to me. I know English is spoken there, but I want to be able to speak to people comfortably in Japanese. I’m planning to take classes or find a private tutor who can help me get back to a good place with the language so I can finally, confidently, journey to the place I’ve always dreamed of visiting.

Explore!

London, England, Europe, everywhere I can (and want to)! Now that I live here, my head is constantly spinning with how many boroughs there are to visit, hidden streets to discover, and countries only a cheap flight or train ride away. There are places I haven’t yet been and places I hope to revisit with older eyes. Go, go, goooo!!!

Finish this $&^%#^%$@#&^% Book!

This novel has been in my head for years and now that it’s finally being put to paper, it’s a little scary. But I need to finish this because I know that doing so will make me feel so satisfied. It’s weird how frightening putting your ideas into action (or essentially, getting what you want) can be. But I want to do this — need to — because it really matters to me. I’m a writer. Do you know how hard it is for me to say that?! It doesn’t feel like a real thing unless you have something published that people actually know about. But if you spend your time writing, it’s true. Whether you’re published or not. So I’ll tack another goal onto this one: don’t be afraid to call yourself a writer.

Love Unabashedly

I am a love monster. An affection bomb. I love showing love. But not everyone is comfortable with that. This goal actually goes hand-in-hand with my mental health goal in that it requires me to stop caring what other people think. If someone is uncomfortable with the way you are, there are sooooo many other people in the world whom you can befriend, fall in love with, or smile at on the subway. Not everyone likes everyone else. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. And that’s OK! My goal is to be my weird, crazy, brimming-with-love self without discomfort because there is always at least one person out there who will appreciate you for who you actually are (and luckily, I already have a few of those people in my life 🙂 ).

I also have hopes for all of you. I hope that this year, you make yourself so, so proud. Be happy, all of you.

My blogging schedule is going to change again. I’ve found that writing 4 times a week (on top of the other writing I need to do) is a bit of a struggle for me. So I think I’ll just post when I really have something I want to say to you (until I find a comfortable routine). But I’m glad I tried out the themed posts because now I know that I can do it if the whim ever strikes me again.

If you were here yesterday, you saw the tragic gif starring Leonardo DiCaprio that represented my lazy torment over getting back to blogging after a break. But it’s not just that! When I went to the US for Thanksgiving, I took a break from creative writing, too. Now I’m back. And I have to start again.

I know, Leo, I know. It hurts.

It can be tough getting back into a story once you’ve left it for a while. Sometimes it may even be hard to resume a story you’ve only left for a couple of days. Now that I need to start my brain back up again, I’ve been kicking around some ideas on how to do that. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

1. Whenever you aren’t writing, think about what you should be writing.

Even if you’re not putting pen to paper/finger to keyboard, nothing’s stopping you from inhabiting the world you created. Go over scenes in your head (the ones you’ve already written and the ones you haven’t yet). Take an imaginary tour through a character’s living room or bedroom. Ask yourself about the relevance of that big explosion in chapter 10, or if Megan’s aunt should reeeaaallly be the one to reveal that her niece is actually one of a set of sextuplets who were each adopted by somebody different. You don’t necessarily have to be writing to be productive.

2. Set the mood.

Listen to a song that reminds you of your protagonist, or a particular moment in your story. Read work that uses narrative techniques you’ve been wanting to try out. Watch a movie in the same genre as what you’re writing. Basically, put yourself in the right frame of mind so that, as soon as you sit down to write, you’re where you need to be mentally & emotionally.

3. Take a theme bath.

This is kinda cheating b/c it’s similar to #2, but slightly more specific. Get your hands on work that handles the same themes you’re working with. See how those authors tackled it, and think about why they chose that method over another. You might get new ideas about where to take your own work.

4. Dive in!

You can always just go in cold and see what happens!

Do you guys have any ideas on how to get back into writing after taking a break? Any and all suggestions are welcome.

So nice to be back in the blogosphere as a regular. Though the hair-tearing from thesis madness is far from over (there’ll be at least 2 more years of it actually 😡 ), things are definitely on the up! I realized that the reason I’ve sometimes had trouble blogging consistently in the past is because I don’t have a niche or a target audience. There are lots of different things I’d like to blog about! But in order to make that work, I needed to get organized. SO…(drumroll please…)

…Yeah. Thanks.

I’ve decided to theme each day of the week (Monday thru Friday)!

OK so maybe this doesn’t seem like such a big deal to you, but for me it’s major because it makes me feel like I’ve actually got some control over my life.

OK, FINE! Not really. But sort of.

Not only do I want to give you consistent content during the week, but I also want to take the opportunity to cover interests of mine that I’ve neglected here. October 5th–9th will be an introduction to this new schedule of mine. Each day this week, I’ll let you guys in on what the theme will be for that day moving forward, and give you a bit of content to go with it! Sadly (or perhaps to your great relief), Mondays will be the only days when there won’t always be a post. This is because I’ve decided to do something I’m calling Monthly Mondays or… Monday Monthlies. Yeah. I think I like the second one better. Anyhoo, my Monday Monthlies posts will be on subscription boxes I receive (which is where the “monthlies” part comes in. Get it? Eh? EH?!).

ANYway, these posts won’t get going until either the first or second week of November (b/c that’s when my first two are set to arrive). After that, there’ll be a bit of a lull, then there’ll be another post. In the end, there should be about three of these types of posts per month, unless/until I decide to cancel one of the subscriptions. All of the subscription boxes I chose have to do with one particular interest of mine, but I’ll wait until the first official Monday Monthlies post to fill you in. I haven’t decided yet whether I’ll just write a blog post or do a video for the unboxings…

I’m excited to try this all out! I know it’ll make things easier for me, but I also hope divvying everything up by day will work better for you, too. Now you’ll know ahead of time which posts you’re more or less likely to dig 🙂

Today has been terrible. Misunderstandings, arguments, wasted money and wasted trips (and, astrologically, this is supposed to be the luckiest day of the year for everyone…pffft…). It can feel like a punch in the gut when you’ve tried your best to be your best in a situation, but it just isn’t coming across. Then the rain starts pouring down, seemingly for dramatic effect in the movie of your life.

Though this IS London, so rain’s not so uncommon.

But it can be anything — and usually it’s a whole bunch of things piled one on top of the other — that makes you feel like you’re having the worst day of your life. At times like these, there are things you can do.

1. Talk to someone who loves you for you.

When you’re feeling misunderstood, talk to someone who is good at understanding you. Not only will they help you stop feeling like the worst person in the world, but they can also judge your behavior in a situation based on what they know about you, and maybe even point out better ways for you to handle similar circumstances in the future.

2. Plan things you can look forward to.

This is one of my favorite things to do, whether I’m having a bad day or not. It’s just fun to plan trips or meals, or the meals you’ll have during your trips 😀 I like to plan places to go and things to do, but in a loose sense. Like shops I want to go to, restaurants I want to try, and cities/countries I want to visit — then I wing it when I get there. But planning to go somewhere or do something you KNOW you’ll enjoy is always a mood booster b/c you get to think about how happy you’ll be once you’ve arrived.

3. Watch cartoons.

…or anything that makes you happy. As soon as I even think about something that makes me laugh, I’ll at least giggle (but I’ll probably do something way more conspicuous and embarrassing which is why I’m so grateful to live alone) and immediately feel a little lighter.

4. EAT.

Junk food, green juice, a whole lobster — the world is your oyster. To eat. I think every food I like counts as comfort food for me. And it’s really fun to do this in combination with #3. Consume good things through ALL your face-holes at once!

5. Open a fortune cookie.

Obviously, this can go terribly wrong. In my experience, though, the messages are typically positive and encouraging (even considering the fact that a lot of times your “fortune” isn’t so much a prediction as a general statement — “The sky is blue. Enjoy it.”). And if you do happen to crack open a cookie with a prediction for a glorious future, well that just gives you one more thing to look forward to, eh?

If anyone else out there is having a rotten one today, I hope it gets better really soon. 🙂

To celebrate, I’m getting some new ink by an awesome artist called NOON and going out to dinner with a friend. I’ll tell you all about the restaurant and show you the latest addition to my anatomical art gallery later this week. Today, I thought I’d collect 28 of the most important things I’ve learned so far and share them with you. Here goes!

1. As embarrassing as it might be, it’s really OK to make mistakes. Everyone does it (despite what they’d have you believe).

2. Just because an animal’s cute does not mean it won’t bite the hell out of you.

3. The things that make you “weird” to your peers when you’re a kid are the things that will make you stand out as an adult.

12. Do consider the advice (and feelings) of the people who know/love you best.

13. Set goals regularly. “Realistic” or not.

14. Listen and observe.

15. Don’t be afraid to let go of friendships that no longer suit you.

16. Try new things, so you can…

17. Learn at every opportunity.

18. Getting older is a privilege.

19. While logic’s important, it’s not always appropriate.

20. Spend time with people/do things that make you laugh.

21. You don’t have to understand, but it’s important to try.

22. Being lazy = cheating yourself.

23. Take the time to nurture someone/something and see how it makes you feel.

24. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

25. Make sure your trust is earned; don’t just give it away.

26. Making a genuine connection with another human being is an amazing gift. Don’t take it for granted.

27. Appreciate every moment of happiness.

28. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are. Nobody can do you like you can.

I sometimes let myself get sucked down into the mire of “UGH, I haven’t accomplished this yet. I am SOOOO far behind” blahblahblah. But really, when I think about it, I’ve met a lot of personal goals, and done things I never imagined I would. Life is weird. And sometimes devastating. But it’s also amazing. I have some wonderful memories, and I can’t wait to make more. Here’s to turning 28! 😀

Writing can be extremely cathartic. The moment after I’ve been in the zone for a while and finish the section I’ve been working on, and my brain is still humming — not knowing whether to write more or rest with the images still swishing around in my mind — is one of the best sensations I’ve ever felt. Writing can also be harsh. The holidays were fantastic for having fun with new and old friends, but I still had pages due on Saturday. It wasn’t that I had no idea what to write; I knew what came next, just not how to get there. Those are the moments when it feels like I’m taking a running leap into a brick wall. I bounce back, fall on my ass, and look up at this insurmountable hulk of a thing. I can see the footholds chipped away, the places to put my feet and fingers to make the climb. But each time I start pulling myself up, I slip and tumble back to the ground, scraping my nails all the way down. I wanted to bash my head against a wall this weekend. I didn’t quite reach my wordcount in the end, though I didn’t miss it by a horrendous amount. I sent the work off feeling equal parts excited, stunned, and worn out.

Writer’s block, for me, has almost nothing to do with writing. It happens when I have a million other things (or one huge thing) on my mind. Those other thoughts jam together and stop me moving forward on anything, not just my writing. Tension, looming worries, feeling isolated — all of these things and more take me down completely unproductive paths. What I’m talking about happens to everyone, whether you write or not. “Writer’s block” is just another term for stuckness. During my stop-and-start weekend of work, I tried pretty much everything that tends to help when I’m in a rut. So for all you folks out there trying to get unstuck, here are some methods you can try:

1) Music.

Whether you love singing along (or harmonizing, like me), or you just like to get lost in the sounds you’re hearing, listening to music can work wonders in the unlocking-your-brain department. Close your eyes and picture yourself elsewhere. Play some solitaire with your playlist blaring in your ears. Dance around in footie pajamas with a shampoo bottle microphone! Set your life to music for a while and see how you feel.

2) Record your thoughts.

Sometimes the most helpful thing to do is to put your worries into words. Writing down the challenges weighing on your mind and seeing them there in front of you gives you a measure of control when you feel like you’re just a helpless speck of nothing in the giant universe. I don’t know about you, but simply proving to myself that I’m aware of what’s troubling me gives me a small sense of triumph because it’s the first step to making things better.

3) Write a poem (or draw a picture).

The way you feel isn’t always expressible in complete sentences. If you’re bogged down inside but can’t or don’t want to put your feelings into concrete terms, the abstract environment of a poem (or drawing) could be just right for you. Try writing down your feelings as they are, then substituting each factual phrase for a metaphor. It’s a nice way of turning what you know about yourself into a bit of a riddle. **Bonus Round**: give the finished product to someone who knows you well and see how they interpret it. Interesting times ahead for sure…

4) Watch something you know by heart.

So this is one of my FAVORITE things to do. When I want to do nothing but escape and laugh, I go for Friends or Futurama. I know nearly every word of Every. Single. Episode. When I’m tired of trying to figure out what comes next in my writing (or my life) it’s insanely comforting to watch something where I know exactly what’s going to happen and when, and let my brain run on autopilot.

5) Get up and get out!

I am looooong overdue for a hike, a journey down a river, a spelunking adventure, some kind of outdoor escapade. After sitting in front of a computer screen for hours, my brain is in a constant state of deep-fry. I tend to favor walks, but you can do anything! Kayak around a lake; do cartwheels in your living room; start a random mosh pit with strangers while you’re waiting for the bus. Anything. Just do something that doesn’t involve sitting in front of a screen until your eyeballs melt.

6) Read.

This one is particularly helpful for me when I don’t want to stop thinking about the writing I need to do. It’s good to see how other people handle certain writing challenges (and if the book is good, it’s just plain fun to read). Honestly, reading is a good idea for anyone who enjoys it. It can be nice to take a break from your own life and follow someone else’s.

7) Give yourself a break.

Aren’t all of these about giving yourself a break? Nah, dude. When I say give yourself a break I mean don’t be so hard on yourself. I am the absolute worst when it comes to this (see what I mean?). It is SO easy, once you’ve fallen into a rut, to compound that difficulty by berating yourself for getting stuck in the first place. But don’t worry — it happens to everyone. You’ll make it through. And in the meantime, be proud of yourself for making it this far 🙂