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January 2, 2017

Rotten Core

I would just like to give a shit about someone. It would be nice to actually care about someone and care about their feelings and thoughts. I haven’t felt that way in a while, or ever. I just find myself tuning out when someone is talking, which sounds awful. I don’t relish feeling like a cold-hearted bad person who uses people. I just don’t feel connected to anyone. Anytime I have sex with someone, it’s just sex, nothing else. I don’t feel any emotional connection to them, though they often feel something for me.

I’m feeling a little burned out on love. It doesn’t feel like love is truly all you need. I loved Damien and I still left him. The love changed into something that wasn’t life changing, but simply comfortable and easy. I wouldn’t mind not being here anymore. It’s not like I’m going to do anything stupid, it’s just a nice though.

Life is just feeling difficult every day. I have a purpose and a reason for going to school, but it just feels like the point is missing. I feel like I have an inability to be in a healthy relationship with someone. What does that even feel like? How does it feel to be in a happy relationship where there isn’t destructive behaviours and codependent relations. I was in a relationship for four years and I never felt that. I just want to feel happy and loved but I don’t feel like I’m capable of feeling that for another person.

I still hate ending things with people, even when I know it’s not right. I just hate rejection. It’s a BPD thing. The things that I’ve done and compromised are not events that I’m proud of. I feel like I’m so good at charming people into believing I’m a bubbly, happy person and they fall for it. I try so hard to keep my imploding core private, but it spills out.