Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

What do I do? Anything? If so, what?

I haven't been abused myself, but in the past few weeks, I've just had my two teenage daughters from my first marriage, tell me that my father has been abusing them for years. I need advice as to what to do. The situation is complicated. I have a sister who is married with two teenage daughters of her own. She idolises my father and so I'm not sure if I should act for her children or not. Is it likely anything is going on with them. My 2 teenage daughters are convinced and concerned about their cousins and want me to act.

If I do nothing, am I wrong? If I do something, what? and will it destroy my mother and fathers last few years together?

My relationship with my mother and father (for various reasons) has deteriorated over the years anyhow, but I'm not out to destroy anyone and don't want the police involved. My concern is for my nieces.

I must also admit to having a real anger in me as a father that wants to confront my father and let him know I know of his crimes and what I think of him.

I'm trying to stop, take time and consider my moves carefully.

Do I speak to my father alone (in a public place)?

Do I talk to my sisters husband and let him decide what to do?

Do I do both?

Do I do nothing and move on looking after my two girls and their well being?

My father is not a well man. He's in his early 60's but now I know what I know, I'm convinced the man is living in his own guilt ridden hell and his health is what is suffering.

I knew of this all a few weeks back, but decided to leave it until after Christmas. However, its destroying my life. I've been ill all over Christmas with worry, and even missed my little boys first Christmas and birthday because I was ill in bed.

I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine having my children bringing me news like that. I'd be sick in bed, too.

I would absolutely talk to your sister and brother in law and tell them what you know. Beyond that, it's really up to them what they do with it.

How old are your daughters? Do they want to turn him in? I know the idea of the police involved seems like a major trauma, but what this man has done is against the law... it is a crime. But the most important thing is that your daughters know that you will protect them and stand up for them. They need to know that they don't ever have to be in his presence again and that you will never allow him to touch them again.

Will it destroy your mom and dads relationship? Probably. But if he has been doing such insidious things, how good could their marriage be? (I'm sorry!)

If it were me, yes, I would want him to know that I know, whether anything else is done or not. I would want the threat of me knowing looming over his head so that he wouldn't touch the nieces... particularly if your sister doesn't do anything.

I sure can't tell you what you should do. I can only share what I think I would do.

Again, I am so sorry and I'll be keeping your girls, your family in my prayers.

I think the most important thing right now is to make sure your father never gets anywhere near your daughters again, and make sure they know that you support them and believe them. It would be best if you could have him arrested so he never has the opportunity to hurt anyone else, but that really has to be your daughters' decision.

I am sorry you're having to deal with this but there's only one course of action here. I have to tell you I'd be out of my mind with rage if I had daughters and they brought that to me...the first and most important thing is to validate your daughter and do exactly what every child expects from their fathers...believe, validate and protect. They need you to take action and that's certainly understandable. They must come first in this....your father be damned. So my opinion is ...take action and do so asap. Who knows whether something happened with your sister? It's not uncommon for the abused to love the abuser especially when it's their father...all I know is your nieces are at risk. Yes, this is going to be hurtful to a lot of people but so be it. It's nothing compared to what's happening to the lives of your daughters and potentially your nieces. Just do the right thing man. That means turning this over to the police....most police or sheriff departments have people trained to deal with these type matters. They will want to talk to your daughters for sure. I wouldn't talk to your dad at all until the police have investigated it...and.or child protective services. But don't delay. Sorry if this was a little blunt...just what I feel and you asked. Good luck

I just want to add from another dads point of view, if some one did that with my son (only child) or with any of the other kids in our families I/we would call the cop's, it is a crime and should be handles as such, shouldn't make you stop because he is your dad, that just makes the crime worse.

I think you must go to the authorities. If he has molested your daughters and your neices, chances are there are other victims. Healing for you daughters and other victims does not happen in a vacuum, it happens when the shame and guilt associated with being a victim gets put were it belongs - with the perpatrator.

You need to put your daughters first. Believe me if you don't act they will feel betrayed. You are their protector and they have asked you to step up. It was very brave of them to come forward. A lot people suffer in silence. You should go to the police and let them handle an investigation. Ask your daughters if they will be willing to go to the police with you, sice they were abused. You should also let your sister know, after you have called the cops , about what has happened to your kids and that you went to the cops. That is what I would do in your situation.

its all about the kids and making them safe. right now you are the gatewAY TO THEM LIVING A normal life. if you fail them to they will hate you also when they get older. my mom never did anything even though i have memories of telling her what my dad did and she denies i told her hate her more than my father(only remembered the abuse 2 years ago n29 now)

I think it takes courage and lost of strength to do what you have done. I also think that the setting you did it in was probably one of the reasons that your sister believed you and is taking action her self. I hope that your daughters and nieces are doing well.
SK

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