Met Office in 'illegal detention' probe

The Metropolitan Police have confirmed they are investigating allegations of kidnapping, torture and illegal detention at the Met Office.

The accusations against the UK's leading weather forecasting organisation are understood to centre around three people who are thought to be held at the group's Exeter headquarters and are involved in daily weather prognostication.

"I can confirm officers from New Scotland Yard, in conjunction with our colleagues from the Devon and Cornwall Force, have questioned a number of people at the Met Office. However I cannot detail the content of those interviews or the seniority of those interviewed." Det Supt Brian Dorian told reporters.

However, sources inside the Met Office say the people at the centre of the investigation are two women and a male, who are used to determine the correct terminology when it comes to temperature description.

A whistleblower said "They've got a woman who is a practising witch that's kept naked and groped on a regular basis to see if the weather is as 'cold as a witch's tit', while a former Miss UK is forced to wear a bikini all day so forecasters can work out if it's really 'swimsuit weather'."

"But it's the male they're keeping I feel sorriest for. He's also kept naked in a cage, and undergoes regular genital torture, to see if the temperature's low enough for you 'to strike matches on them'."

Det Supt Dorian confirmed that the investigation was likely to take some time after advice from officers in Exeter.

"They've consulted the entrails of a chicken, which indicates either a long investigation or the world ending by being drowned in a global ice-cream melt."

No-one from the Met Office would comment on the specific allegations, but did confirm they are cooperating with the inquiry.