Strengthen your barricades, ration your goods, and enlist your sons and daughters because there's a war on! Not a real war, but a war on Christmas, you see! Still, it's just as important (no, it's not) and deserves to be taken just as seriously (no, it doesn't) as any real invasion. I mean, the "War on Christmas" certainly isn't some completely invented concept that allows our country's most privileged people to feel needlessly persecuted, right? Right?!

Oh, wait. It turns out that is exactly what it is. The "War on Christmas" is entirely made up, as made evident by the malls across the country that still hire old men to dress up as Santa Claus or the giant Christmas tree that stands in Rockefeller plaza or the fact that in reality, approximately zero people give a fuck if you wish them "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."

Of course, there are people — like Sarah Palin and Bill O'Reilly — who continue to insist that the War on Christmas is real threat. I'll leave their takedown to you, Jon Stewart.