(Edited to add for clarity: This is a story about something that happened LAST THURSDAY. As in, before I posted yesterday's ultrasound results, which were YAY and GOOD. Yes, I have chosen to discuss my pregnancy before the three-month-mark, come good or bad or disaster, because...well, it's my blog and I'm like that. Have always been like that, actually, because I very much depend on the support network I have here...again, come good or bad or disaster. I did not mean for this story to sound insensitive -- it happened, it was scary, it was okay.)

(Seriously, about that last bit: IT WAS OKAY.)

On Thursday morning, after Noah's occupational therapy appointment, I chatted with his therapist and breezily, brazenly -- and completely impulsively -- blurted out the pregnancy news. I'm still not sure why, because she in no way fits into my squishy parameters of Invisible Internet Person and/or Real Life Person In Whom I'd Depend On In The Event Of A Miscarriage Anyway. But the words fell out of my mouth, and that was that. The news was out. And now that I've mentioned it, do you mind watching my kids for two quick minutes because OH MY GOD I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD.

I dashed down the hall to the restroom, which was occupied, and I bounced from foot to foot impatiently for what seemed like FOREVER until the door opened up.

I was barely done sighing with relief over making it to the toilet when I realized I was bleeding.

I stared at the reddish spot on the paper and blinked a few times, my brain immediately reminding me to NOT PANIC, THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. Twice before, once during each pregnancy, each time the result of a raging urinary tract infection and nothing more. I took a deep breath and stood up...

And immediately saw the bloody clot-like thing in the toilet. That had...definitely not happened before.

Looking back, I have to commend myself for not simply slumping to the floor in a weepy fit. That was not even an option. My children were in the lobby waiting area, surrounded by other kids and parents and center staff and we needed to get home and get lunch in time for Noah to catch the school bus and get Ezra down for a nap.

Once all of that happened, I thought, I could deal with this. But not until then.

I went back out and weakly collected the boys and waved goodbyes and hustled them out to the car. I drove us home, ordering myself to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT and focus on the road, which had about as much impact as if I randomly commanded Noah to stop talking about Star Wars all the damn time.

Of course, I mentally chided. OF COURSE. Way to go, telling people, including blurting it out all willy-nilly to semi-casual-acquaintances! Way to go, telling your mom! Next time just kick her directly in the head yourself, and save some time. You thought this was "meant to be?" That you "deserved" this? Or some shit? You're a goddamn pollyanna dumbass, Amy.

(Let me tell you, there is nothing more fun than trying to navigate Washington, DC-area traffic in the pouring rain while in the midst of an existential crisis of faith.)

I got us home and slapped together some peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches before dashing into the bathroom, convinced that I was going to witness some horrible horror show of pureed bloody dreams, but...there was nothing. Nothing except a slight burning sensation when I peed that I hadn't noticed before.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes. Once again, I managed to get myself COMPLETELY and IRREVOCABLY keyed the fuck up over yet another UTI. I needed cranberry juice and some antibiotics, not a D&C and some mourning sweatpants with a giant box of wine. I was fine, otherwise, and still fully pregnant with a fully alive little blob-thing.

Last night, I threw up for the first time. And I was totally okay with it. Grateful, even.

PS. My dad made it through a session of chemo yesterday with flying colors. It was a "lite" low-dose day and they're upping the meds back to 11 today, so I know he could use your thoughts/prayers/virtual-fist-bumps/whatevers. Let's turn this string of good news into an honest-to-God streak, already.

Comments

GIRL. I am so thankful that it turned out to be a UTI. Isn't it amazing what you can do (i.e. not crumpling into a ball on the floor, holding it together and getting the kids home) when you feel like your universe is being pulled inside out from socks to top? Here's to a healthy and stress-free pregnancy. Props and fist pumps and bumps to your Dad, too.

As to all the growling and such in the comments, glad you share it with us as YOU see fit. Otherwise it wouldn't be your blog.

I am so, so glad all is okay, and also, thank you for sharing. So many of us have those close calls and it feels good to know we're not alone. And yes, so many of us sadly experience tragedy, too. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't live in hope and share our great news instead of living in a negative, angry, depressed bubble, sure that bad things will happen (and secretly hoping they happen to other people, too). I would rather choose hope. Being very early in my pregnancy, I am only too aware that a horrible, scary, high percentage (20-25%) of early pregnancies may end in miscarriage... but that means 75-80% do not. I am so happy for you guys and so glad you are honest in... omg! YOUR blog! Sheesh. It only takes a few comments among hundreds of nice ones... but I'm trying to inhale and exhale.

Okay, maybe I was in the minority here, judging by some of the comments, but I could tell, from the tone and contextual clues, that this was a post that would end up just fine. In fact, in re-reading it, I am not sure how people could have mistaken it for otherwise.

Congratultions Amy and I hope the UTI is short-lived. I appreciate your candor and your openness and always love seeing a new post.

Strangely I know AND agree with this part:
"Let me tell you, there is nothing more fun than trying to navigate Washington, DC-area traffic in the pouring rain while in the midst of an existential crisis of faith."

Congrats on not totally loosing it during your scare. We've all been there at one time or another and it's so not fun. Having had a miscarriage myself some years ago I can't say that I found anything "wrong" with this post. Soooo...go with your gut when you post. It's why we come here to read. Continued prayers for your Mom and Dad! I am glad they have this good news during such a hard time.

Amy, I'm a loooong time reader and an occasional de-lurker. This is one of those occasions.
I have a question and not a comment though. Now that you are pregnant again (CONGRATS!!! SO happy for you) are you going to be doing 0-40 again? I thought it was a great weekly column and I was looking forward to it's reprisal, but I wasn't sure. Thanks, and good luck and best wishes and just good vibes coming your way!

Amy - There was nothing "self absorbed" or insensitive about what you wrote! You made it very clear in the title that everything turned out ok. I have had a miscarriage and I was not in the least bit offended by the post.

I am really happy that the baby is ok and will continue to send good vibes your way!

I'm glad things are ok with the blob! Thanks for your candor, I know other readers have said this, but I really appreciate that you share things like this with us. I hope your UTI clears up soon. They're no fun. Hugs!

I love that you put all of yourself out there for anyone to see. It's what makes you you, and what makes the rest of our insecure, vulnerable selves like you so very much. Because we know we're not the only ones breathing sighs of relief and perhaps a little thankful prayer for a UTI. I think it's incredibly selfish and self-absorbed for other people not to be able to set their own bitterness aside and just be effing happy for someone else NOT losing their baby. I know miscarriage is painful and hard, but that doesn't mean someone else doesn't have the right to rejoice that it didn't happen to them.
You've been putting it all out there for years, and we love it, and don't you dare stop.

"D&C and some mourning sweatpants with a giant box of wine"...are you effing serious? Do you have any idea how hurtful that is for actual miscarriage survivors to read? The fact that your "regulars" are calling women who talk about having their feelings hurt by your insensitive post "asses" is just icing on the craptastic cake.

This sucks. I really did like this blog. But this is just a massive slap in the face. I would never have expected a post like this from you, based on your previous writing, not in a million years. I'm so disappointed.

::Will not rise to bait; will not use comments section as a message board and battle arena. Will not rise to bait... ::

Just want to add that as a fellow blogger, multiple 'miscarriage [and D & C] survivor', and owner of mourning sweatpants which were, in fact, used with a giant box of wine just as you described: thank you. Hearing you tell it just as it is reassures me that at least, if I'm crazy, I'm not alone. I hope you keep on worrying about your family and yourself (wait, that came out wrong) and ignore the negativity here, and I am grateful you let us share your ups and downs.

"I think it's incredibly selfish and self-absorbed for other people not to be able to set their own bitterness aside and just be effing happy for someone else NOT losing their baby."

Also, this? For real? I have had both a miscarriage and a healthy baby. When I read a post that's basically, "dude I was totes bleeding and freaked out but turns out it's just a UTI lol zomg people who miscarry wear sweatpants and get drunk xoxo!" I don't have to be "bitter" for that to rub me the wrong way.

Sara, I can see where you're coming from, but I think the whole point was that in her mind Amalah was already donning the sweatpants and sending her hubby out for the wine, because that is how she would have dealt with her pain. Personally I couldn't figure out why a reader would think her initial fear, her resulting joy, or her posting on her own blog about herself would be self-absorbed, so it was easy to question the haters. I'm glad you commented because it gave a little more perspective into what someone might find offending, but I certainly don't think her fear was meant to be a slap in the face of anyone who actually had their fears realized.

Wow, it seems as though some readers are just as self absorbed as they are accusing you of being. I've shared pregnancy news early with each of my pregnancies. Pregnancy is so exciting and scary. It is awesome to have support throughout the whole pregnancy. I had two miscarriages when we were trying for a 2nd child and they were devastating. With that said, I didn't find this post to be insulting in any way. You wrote what happened to you, as you have every right to do on your blog. I am so excited for you and so glad you had a UTI and not a miscarriage! And for the record, I mourned both miscarriages in my sweatpants, with copious amounts of wine. It was therapeutic.

I definitely second the thought that Amy was really going for what SHE would have done should her news not have turned out as good. It was not intended as a "zomg mourning sweatpants!" but rather what she was mentally preparing herself for and how SHE would cope. Not that I'm a mind reader, but that's how I interpreted.

Anyway, Amy, I'm so glad that you do have a happy little blob in the midst of all you have been through. You continue to be an inspiring and witty writer, and I know I definitely appreciate your honesty. (While not for subjects such as this, but because I have a special needs daughter, and have actually learned so much from you about navigating the special ed waters with Noah.) So, thank you, too.