Obama's Jobs (Campaign) Speech: the RIGHT AWAY Recap

Last night the President revealed his eagerly awaited campaign speech/”Jobs” plan to a Joint Session. It was clear why Obama capitulated to a new date and time for his speechifying. He needed the applause from the peanut gallery. That – combined with a calculated passion he has not displayed in months – would make it seem like Obama was actually saying something meaningful. The President was short on detail but he was sure on one point: Congress must pass this vague, carefully polled, fake jobs plan RIGHT AWAY. Here are some of our dear leader’s demands in a quick recap:

Obama wants this bill to pass RIGHT AWAY so that we can put teachers back to work and fix schools, because children across the country are apparently unable to go to school until the evil Republicans pass this brilliant plan. I guess my son’s school didn’t get the memo

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so businesses can grow and thrive again – unless those businesses begin with a G and end with an IBSONGUITARS. Those businesses can go to hell.

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so Warren Buffet and other Richy Riches can do the right thing and pay more taxes; because men like Obama and Buffet would never simply give their money away of their own charity, it must be taken from them, and therefore you (even if you are already the charitable type. Screw you. Suckers.)

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so he can cut 1 trillion out of federal spending by Christmas. Hopefully you dumb Americans won’t remember the debt ceiling debacle that lasted weeks longer than necessary because the President doesn’t think spending cuts are good for the economy.

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so people in South Korea can drive Fords and GM’s and Chryslers. Maybe they’ll buy the Volt.

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY because middle class Americans can’t wait another 14 months until elections before they see a change in their wallets. The teleprompter accidentally dropped the part about the middle class also not being able to afford anther 4 years of his oppressive administration. Oops.

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so that the greediest among us can finally start paying their “fair share” in taxes; those exempted from the “fair share” clause include Al Sharpton, Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, anybody named Kennedy, anybody who entered into land deals with Tony Rezko, any “churches” who find a clever use for the term “Ameri-KKKa”, George Soros, MMFA and anybody currently belonging to the 48% of Americans who pay no taxes whatsoever. Everyone else has to do their part. Its only fair.

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so government can get about their constitutionally mandated business of creating jobs; these will be important jobs for teachers, police officers, firefighters and government construction workers. If you don’t belong to a union, then screw you. You don’t deserve a job.

Obama says Congress must pass the bill RIGHT AWAY so America can avoid the poison of partisan politics. Also, he needs more stuff to say in his future campaign speech, and most of it’s in the “bill”.