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9.08.2009

Back To Life Back To Reality

Well, being at work again on Tuesday after a 5 day weekend is a huge dose of reality. Thursday and Friday I was a model. I was flying into LA for a photo shoot, getting my hair and make up done, dancing on rooftops, and sleeping in a swanky hotel room. It was fun and exciting. MJ was so proud of me and that felt good. Saturday through Monday was OK too. I relaxed Sunday and got my hair re done on Monday(thank goodness because the greasball look was so not working). I was still on my own time doing my own thing basking in the excitement that had come before.

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I had no clue what to wear. I rushed to drop off my Blockbuster movie and pick up some coffee on the way to work. I came into the office and turned on my computer. I ate my PBJ, drank my coffee and began sifting through the e mails that had come in while I was out. This quiet conservative world with it's cubicles, structure, and monotonous rhythm is a huge departure from the one I just left. The song "back to life, back to reality....." plays through my head.

Yep, back to real life where I am a Clerical Assistant. Definitely not something to brag to your friends about. It is a bit of a let down but it's OK because that's life. There are enough things that have changed in my life that I can seamlessly make this transition back to reality without spiraling into a black hole. In years past I would have been distraught beyond belief to find myself sitting at a desk dealing with claims and suffocated by the sadness that was my life. I am a different person then I was. I have a different job then I did and man who helps make even the grayest day brighter. This is just another day back at work. A sluggish and tired one; but another day nonetheless. I feel like I am sleepwalking-a mere shadow of myself. I just gotta get back into the swing of things.

Do I want to come to work? A resounding "NO." Might I feel a bit more motivated if my paycheck were higher or if I were doing something more meaningful to me? Perhaps. But, this is life. The majority of us have to work to live and I am just happy that coming to work everyday isn't something I hate like I used to. I have a good job. I get to wear jeans and work independently. My co workers are friendly. It allows me to go to the doctor if I need to, have a place to live, and enjoy some fun things in life. I've got many happy things to look forward to. There are those moments at work where I stare at the computer screen in a daze wondering what the point of it all is. Then I think about my bills. I think about MJ and the life I want to lead with him. The things we want to do together and then I remember.