Look at all those 179's! I was getting so excited. Saturday I tried not to eat too much. We were out and about during the day. . . I believe I posted about my crappy Sat. Plans changed and we ended up going to a restaurant with hubby's mom. I had BBQ Chicken breast, some fries, a side salad, a roll and then a piece of blackberry pie for dessert. Sounds like a lot, but it wasn't too bad. I wasn't uncomfortable. I was hungry to start. But I was only up .4. I thought I could take care of that.

Sunday I was super busy and on the road. . . I didn't eat much at all as I was purposely saving calories cause knew we were having PIZZA! I enjoyed the pizza, but every time I save calories for dinner the scale backfires on me. Up 2 lbs the next day. Now this week is TOM. BLAH. So I always gain some weight then. Usually close to 1.5 lbs. Maybe some of that was from TOM. I don't know. Anyways, it was down some today. So it was it is and I'm moving on.

So as the last post mentioned the 5K was canceled. I was so bummed. It's rough to have a goal ripped out from under you. I know I worked hard. I know my accomplishments aren't all about one race. But it flat out sucked.

Then yesterday I got an email from Eli's trainer. Eli and I have had some rough going lately. We were not getting along and I was questioning if I should still be riding. I did well with my weight loss and adapting in the saddle because of it. Or so I thought. Then I started running and it seemed like everything in the saddle went downhill. I think to some extent I don't know how much muscle I have in certain places. Tension in my body is projected to Eli much stronger now. Running is also not conducive to a good seat in the saddle so that's been challenging. I decided to send Eli to my trainer's for 6 weeks. I wanted a break. He needed a break from me. I wanted time to think. I still see him most weekends and I've been taking lunge lessons to help work on my body and reconnect my brain and my body. Yesterday however my trainer told me Eli is no longer progressing and is actually going the opposite way. He feels there are issues in his back and maybe hocks. Hocks and back are a viscous circle and it's hard to tell if one causes the other or vise versa. They suggested mesotherapy and I haven't heard of that. So I'm researching. Ultimately though I'm picking Eli up on Sat to bring him home. I was in tears most of the evening last night. I wanted to go get him right away. Just to be with him. But my schedule doesn't allow that. I'm sad because while I thought about giving up dressage I didn't necessarily want to give up fun riding. And I realize I don't know what's wrong. But my opinion is that when it's a back or hock issue that you never really fix it. That you simply buy some comfort and maybe some time. I just feel deep down that this is the beginning of retirement for my baby. We'll see. I'm not trying to jump to conclusions. But I do know him. . . . Anyways, I use to have a goal of getting my USDF Bronze medal. Maybe not with Eli, but I could get some scores with him. In recent years, even though I'm working with a talented trainer, I've realized that would likely not happen. My trainer's barn is full of great riders and $$$ horses. I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable showing with them. And I'm a rider that needs a trainer at a show. Not to mention they'd be there anyways so going solo would be awkward. Showing is also very very expensive and I have other goals in life. I *REALLY* want a house! So bad I can taste it. So it's been a mental struggle to give up that goal. And I have a hard time having a hobby that costs this much money without having something to work towards. I'm not a "weekend" horse owner. I don't own Eli to just pet him and feed him carrots. Now when he retires that is a different story. I promised him forever and he'll have a forever home with me. So I'm struggling right now trying to decide what to do. Diagnosing this issue is going to cost tons of $. So is treating it. Do I keep throwing money in him? Or do I simply give him time off? Do I move him to a cheaper barn, give time off and slowly bring him into work again for fun and for trail riding? I don't know. The barn I board at is expensive and really set up for horses that are ridden. Turn out is not good. If he can't be ridden and really worked he needs to move. I'm just so deflated right now. I feel like the rug has been pulled out of me this week. I didn't reach my running goal. . . who knows where my riding is. Both have been very time consuming activities for me. Yesterday I just drowned my sorrows in a coke from McD's (the BEST fountain coke anywhere) and a bowl of ice cream. How I lost a pound is beyond me.

However last night I worked out with my trainer and I got to box. I asked to do it. I've wanted to do it for a long time. My old trainer never would let me, so now I have a new one and we did it! Apparently I'm a left handed fighter. I hit harder with my left hand. Strange. I had a blast and forgot my worries for a brief time.

I posted this photo on FB last night:

Yeah my head is cut off. Hubby took it. The kitty is the focus. I love little puff ball kitties. This one was found all alone in hubby's shop. I don't know who the mom is and there appear to be no siblings. Anyways everyone went on and on about how skinny I looked. Really? You can't see my fat hips! I have lost the same 5 lbs over and over and over again for months. I'm not skinny! Hell my bones aren't skinny. I don't think I'll ever use me and skinny in the same sentence. But whatever. I was amused. I do think my face is thin though and that always takes me by surprise. . .

That's all I got today. I'll leave with a photo of my Eli. I stop by while I was in Springfield on Sunday (for non horse stuff) to take him out for some grass. He wasn't very happy about posing for the photo. That meant he had to stop eating!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I slept like crap last night. I got a charlie horse in my calf at 2AM. I was worried about oversleeping. The alarm went off at 5. We left the house at 6:30 to drive to St Louis for the 5K. The advice was to get there 45 mins before the 8AM start. By 7:30 it was raining. By 7:45 there was lightening. They pushed the event back 15 mins for a 8:15 start. At 8AM they canceled all events for the day and handed out the medals. Did I even want my medal? I wasn't sure. I got it though. My mom wanted to take a photo of me and I started crying. LOL.. I was so disappointed. I've been training for 3 months. All I wanted to do was run and be timed. I wanted to say I finished it. I wanted to wear the shirt proudly. Instead I was cold and damp and it's almost noon and I still haven't run.

I'm just bummed. I know I can run 3.1 miles. I just really wanted to do this. To say I did it. Now I can't. Now I have to sign up for another one and do this all again. I was ready to move on to life after a 5K. . .

Friday, April 13, 2012

I have been a horrible slug today. I ate like crap. Literally. 2 doughnuts! Several pieces of chocolate. McAlister's for dinner: half a chicken salad croissant and a bowl of cheesy tortilla soup. Plus a coke. I've been good all week! Tues - Fri morning the scale has dropped every.single.morning! What the heck happened to me today? I was SO tired and SO hungry. It wasn't cravings. I know the difference. I was genuinely hungry.

Today I had to go pick up my race packet. With 2500 people in the 5K the suggested you pick up your packet today at the health expo. So I did. The health expo is in downtown St Louis. . . along with the home opener of the Cardinals game and a NRA (National Rifle Association) convention. Tomorrow we have another cards game, the NRA thing still and a Blues Playoff game. Wow. St Louis planned everything on the same weekend! LOL. I braved the traffic and hit the health expo.

I have to confess one of the reason I entered a 5K was so I could proudly wear the shirt! I expected a generic T-shirt. We got a Brooks tech shirt - the kind that wick sweat. YAY! I ordered a large. They said they were running small. The large looked tiny. I took an XL. I tried it on. It was a bit big around the middle. The shoulders were perfect. I went back and tried on a L. It felt tight. It looked better, but I thought it looked tight. A lady told me it looked perfect. I'm a believer that tighter clothing makes you look thinner than clothing that hangs. I made myself get the L because I will NOT gain weight. I want to keep training and lose weight. So why get the XL right? It took me probably 20 mins to decide this. I'm pathetic I know.

Sorry that isn't a better pic of the shirt. But you get the idea. I'm likely not wearing it in the race tomorrow. I don't like wearing sleeves when running. Is it taboo to not wear the shirt? I don't know. The timer thingy is on the back of the number thingy. Yes thingy is a technical term. lol So we can't bend that thing. Guess that will go on at the last minute.

One of the issues I've had since the temp has increased I'm dealing with sweat at the end of my longer runs. Katie has mentioned Bondi Bands and I've looked at the site several times. I couldn't decide. Didn't want to pay shipping. . . etc. They were at the health expo. I got three bands. One is plain black and two have sayings . . .sayings that are VERY true. . . neither one is more true than the other actually. I seriously do run so I can eat chocolate. . . and I love/hate running. :)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I chose Wednesday's because it's the middle of the week. I tend to slip on weekends. Who wants Monday weigh ins? That old cliche about "I'll start my diet on Monday" just gets to me. I've done that many times. So I want nothing associated to Mondays. Wednesday gives me time to buckle down a bit if we ate out on the weekend.

I hit that dreaded 183.6 again. I HATE that number. The interesting thing is that I hit that Monday morning. Sunday was Easter. I was actually really good that day. I ran 5 miles that morning. I had my regular breakfast. For lunch at my Granny's I had a funeral dog (a hot dog with skin) without a bun, some kind of salad with peas that I had to pick out (so mostly lettuce), and probably 5 wings. I eat high protein, so all this was good. I had a small piece of angel food cake. No icing. So probably the best cake choice I could have made. I took a couple bites of another dessert (chocolate) that my hubby was eating. However, I felt like a slug when I got home. I hate sitting around all day. It makes me tired. So I went on a 10.5 mile bike ride. I did have a Baby Binks (a small hollow bunny). I had yogurt for dinner because we burnt a pizza on the grill :( I didn't track the food, but I burned 1300 cals working out. So I thought I was doing fairly well. Then I was up 2lbs the next day! How does that happen? I was really disappointed.

I started tracking my food on SparkPeople again yesterday. I hate tracking. It does make me conscious of what I'm eating though. I still ate chocolate. I am a confessed chocoholic. I will always have it in my life. I did get an email from SparkPeople today entitled "How To Finally Pull Your Sweet Tooth". This is the article it linked to http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.asp?id=134. I thought that was perfect timing given my struggle. Of course I know all the stuff in the article. I just can't detox from sweets. Besides fruit, sweets seems to be the majority of my carbs. I rarely eat bread. I don't eat pasta. I don't really eat potatoes other than the occasional french fry. I don't eat grains other than quinoa. I am considering attempting to add oatmeal (blah!) to my diet. Pinterest had some interesting cold oat creations that I'd like to try. I'm not sure about that yet.

Speaking of chocolate. I cannot believe I'm going to post this photo. First let me show you a regular baby binks:

They are smaller than the average hollow bunny. They are 4 1/2 inches tall and 2 oz. (based on what I just found online). I LOVE these things. Hollow chocolate is my weakness. I have 5 of these stocked up from pre-Easter shopping. On Monday I hit the stores looking for some baby binks at half price. I failed. However, I did hit the ultimate jackpot. This photo was taken after I got home and I just had a session at the gym. I didn't realize my hair is a hot mess. But . . . look what I found!

OMG! That is a BIG Binks!!! It's 2 lbs of chocolate! I just couldn't resist. It was half price! It is not opened yet. I'm not sure how I'm going to store it. If the info I found online is correct, by my math that baby is 4800 cals. So once I open it I have to store what I don't eat for future eating. And yes, I'm trying to lose weight. This was not a smart purchase. Not even close. But come on! How was I not suppose to buy it? LOL.

Now let's look at me in that photo. . . blah. My upper arms are fatter than I thought they were. See that roll on my stomach. That will not go away and I'm pretty sure most of it is flabby extra skin. It's on the front and the sides. Then I'm wearing these cute capris with a blue stripe that accentuate my saddle bags. I want those to GO AWAY! I was hoping running would just jiggle them off. Not happening. I have to eat right to get rid of those I think. So this may be my motivation photo. Bunny and all. :)

Saturday is my 5K. I can't believe it's here already. My knees are bothering me and I had ice on both of them yesterday. Today I was suppose to run. I wanted to run 3-4 miles. Tomorrow I have a session with my trainer. Friday I was going to be off and Saturday morning at 8 AM is my race. I don't know if I can run today. My knees are still tender. I also got a stuffy head and sore throat last night. So I may just have to rest up and go in cold. I ran 5 miles Sunday. Monday I worked out with my trainer. Yesterday I did a quick mile working on form and speed. I ran that mile in 9:28 and there was no way I could sustain that any longer. So can I really not run again till Saturday? I may not have a choice. We'll see. I hope to post this weekend! Have a great week!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Ok. . . so the Blogger interface changed and I can't say I like it. :( This is my first post since changing. . . feels strange.

I struggled this week. Not just with weight, but with running as well. Friday I got home early and decided to run 5 miles. I always do my 5 mile run on Sunday mornings. . . I just felt like a slug when I started running. I had a side stitch that I could not get rid of! I was going to cut the run short by stopping at my parents' house, but I told myself it didn't matter if I walked, I was doing 5 miles. So I did. I walked twice for a total of about 1.5 miles. The side stitch never really left. :( I felt like I weighed 1000 lbs! It was strange.

Here's the problem. . . once I walk things change for me mentally. So Sunday morning I went to do the same 5 miles and I FORCED myself to run the whole thing. It was somewhat of a physical struggle but definitely a mental one. I made it. It sucked. The heat and humidity really increased this weekend so maybe that was part of the problem. I did 4 miles Monday morning (I was off work) and it was also a struggle, but more of a physical one since it was a different route and I knew it was shorter. Both days my heart rate was higher than it has been so I knew I was struggling. I tried to slow down on Monday but I tend to run with negative splits and I never did manage to slow down. I need to work on that. Next Saturday the 14th is my first official 5K race! YAY! :) I'm excited.

So let's talk about the weekly number. (BLAH!)

A new month in my spreadsheet brings new colors! The avg column is done monthly and not cumulative. . . I'm not an Excel pro, so I wonder if I can make it cumulative. I like seeing how I do per month though. But that's why 4/1 brings a higher avg. I gotta get that back down!

It was our anniversary on Monday. Saturday night we went to dinner at TGIFridays. I had steak. But I'm sure it was loaded with cals. I had popcorn and soda at the theater. The 1 lb gain was expected. Oh we saw Mirror Mirror with Julia Roberts. I liked it!

Monday I ran in the morning and I ate very little cause I knew we were going out to dinner that night. We also had wedding cake to eat! We went out for Vietnamese food. I'm seriously disappointed by the increase Tuesday morning. It doesn't make sense mathematically. But it is what it is. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever get back in the 170's for a whole week. In a week or two I will be getting measured by my new trainer, so hopefully the inches are down and the weight is just muscle. But I suspect I'll be holding steady.

Speaking of wedding cake. . .

Our cake still tasted AMAZING! Even a year later. . .

I cannot wait to order a fresh cake from the bakery next year. They make the most fabulous cake! The white flavor has a hint of almond extract, which I LOVE!!!

So . . . also on Monday I made cupcakes to bring to work yesterday. Amazingly enough I didn't eat a single one on Monday. Like I said I knew we were going to dinner and I knew we had cake. I never bring something for people that I haven't taste tested but this time I did. I mean I tasted the batter and the icing just a smidge, but that is not the same as the real thing.

The recipe was rather complicated and everything was made from scratch. I left one cupcake at home to split with my hubby last night. I certainly had to at least taste the finished product. Well curiosity got the best of me at work and I ate a cupcake after lunch. They were pretty dense and heavy as I find most homemade cakes are. However, I wanted to look up a comment in the recipe about the cake flour. So I pulled up the recipe online and that's when I saw. . . . um . . . the nutritional stats. I'm not sure how I missed that before. . .

Ok so that didn't upload so well. . . 510 cals per cupcake!!! OMG OMG OMG! I wanted to gag. It felt like I had a lead brick in my stomach. I have no idea how many cals I thought there would be, but I would have rather had something else for that amount of cals. . . like chocolate or a slice of pizza. Holy crap!

So last night my hubby cut the cupcake in half and I refused. I had to get a grip on the scale and that worked out fairly well this morning even though I'm up from last Wednesday. But I'm proud of myself for refusing.

Today's struggle: Imo's Pizza. I have a lunch date and I should get a chef salad and not pizza. Can I manage that?