The Irascible Professor
SMIrreverent Commentary
on the State of Education in America Today

by Dr. Mark H. Shapiro

"It
is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.".... ...George Washington.

Commentary
of the Day - April 20, 2006: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses! Guest
commentary by Erik Deckers.

I wrote my first
note to a teacher last week.

This may not seem
like such a big deal to most of you, but to me, it was the end of a 33-year
wait. Ever since I walked into kindergarten with a note from my mother,
I dreamed of writing a note to one of my children's teachers.

My mother used
to write my notes whenever I was sick or needed to be excused:

"Dear Mr. Jenkins,
Please excuse Erik from gym class today. He is still suffering blurred
vision and a ringing in his ears from the last time they played dodge ball.
I have spoken with little Melody's parents, and they apologized for her
cheap shot. Imagine, hitting your own teammate in the back of the
head! Please explain to the entire class how displeased I am,
and ask them to remember that Erik is a sensitive boy whose feelings should
be respected."

After that little
stunt, my parents and teachers kept a suspicious eye on me, which created
its own problems. High school was hard enough without also being
a suspected forger.

So I had to put
my note writing dreams on hold, until the day I would become a parent and
craft a letter for my own child. Some kids dream of having children
who star in the school play. Others hope their kids have the sports
career they never had. I wanted to have a child who needed the occasional
note written on his or her behalf.

The problem is
that we've spent the last four years home schooling our oldest daughter.
We have enjoyed the time spent with her, and don't regret a second of it.
But my only disappointment was that I would never be able to write a note
to the teacher. I would never give permission to go on afield trip.
I could never ask her to be excused from some dangerous activity like diagramming
a sentence.

"But it's just
not the same as writing a love note to a real teacher," I moaned, slumping
on the couch, not realizing that's where I would spend the next three nights.

No matter how
fun home schooling was, there was a small emptiness in my soul. I
was missing out on the sense of fulfillment public school parents enjoyed.

"Dear Mrs. Johnson,
Susie was home sick yesterday with vomiting and explosive diarrhea.
Please be on the lookout for any sudden recurrences."

But that all changed
this past week. We had recently enrolled my daughter in the local
elementary school, when my prayers were finally answered: she had to stay
home one day because she was sick!

Someone had to
write a note explaining her absence. Someone had to inform the authorities
about why our child was potentially violating Indiana's strict educational
laws. Someone had to step up to the plate and fulfill his lifelong
dream.

"Do you want to
write a note to her teacher, or should I?" asked my wife.

I nearly knocked
over my three-year-old son as I raced to the notepad. I had been
waiting for this moment my entire life, and no mere mother of my children
was going to steal it from me.

I clutched my
pen in my hand, determined that my first note was going to raise the bar
for all future parents' efforts.

"Dear Facilitator
of Knowledge and Torchbearer of Truth, My eldest female child was
recently stricken with a rather frightful malady that most grievously affected
her sinuses and bodily temperature. She has been bedridden for the
last two days, and as such, was unable to attendyour fine institution
of elementary learning. Could you perchance convey any unconsummated
academic assignments to our attention? I look forward to a favorable reply.
Most sincerely, Erik Deckers."

I may have to
rethink the whole letter writing thing though, because I received this
reply.

"Dear Mr. Deckers,
What the heck are you talking about? And where was your daughter?
If I get another pervy note like this, I'm calling the police. The
school board and my attorney have already been alerted, and you are banned
from school property for three months."