Date: Mon, 11 Feb 2002 06:28:35 -0800
From: Scott Lockhart
Subject: My girlfriend made me do it-4
The usuals: Don't read this if you are morally objected to gay
relationships, or are under 18, or this is illegal where you live.
Seriously: If the warnings on the website aren't enough, at least listen to
me right now and stop if any of these conditions apply. This is a work of
fiction: I don't know any of the members of N'sync, and I have no idea who
they really are as people, including personality/sexuality, etc.
This chapter has a lot more character depth and a lot less action, so most
of this chapter will be given over to how Austin reacts. This is a short
chapter too, not because it's less important, but because I have a physics
lab that I should be working on, and I haven't decided what to do next. Stay
tuned, and I should be getting out the next chapter in the next week or so.
If you have any other comments, suggestions, or whatever, email me at
scottiescot@hotmail.com and I'll do my best to answer them.
I just sat there. What had he said? He was...gay? After all we had been
through? What did that mean? We had gotten so close! I had tried to tell him
everything about me and Jen and he had pushed me away. Why? Did he think I
would hate him?
But wait a minute. Something wasn't right here. I had noticed it right
away: my relationship with Josh was a lot more like what I had with Jen
before we started having a whole bunch of problems than the kind of buddy
relationship I had with Tony. Shouldn't I have drawn the line? Obviously I
could only get close to girls for serious relationship stuff, right? But
Josh,...what had Josh done? What had I done? What was going on?
What seemed like an eternity but was probably only a few seconds passed.
I was still gaping at Josh, unable to comprehend what all this might have
been doing to him. But I just sat there. I couldn't reach out to him, and I
couldn't say anything. I was too confused, too unsure, too... something, but
I didn't know what and I was too afraid of what it might be.
Unfortunately, as I was obsessing, Josh's eyes widened in fear and
rejection when he realized that I was stunned. And I was, with a capital S.
Whatever connection we had made last night was completely changed. I had no
idea what to think. Should I be happy? Should I reconsider what I thought
our friendship was? Should I consider what this would mean?
And what did this mean? The only other person that I have ever been this
close to is Jen, and I love her. Or do I?
Maybe I should rethink my relationship with Jen. Regardless of how close we
seemed, the fight we had was similar to a lot of fights we've been having
for the past few months, ever since baseball season started. Why had we had
such a huge fight over something so trivial? It had been very easy to get
angry with her, and it always has been. She likes to criticize, and I'm not
one to stand up well against criticism: I lash back. Her main complaint was
my lack of ambition, but there were other things. She thought that I cared
more about baseball than her, because I spend so much time at practice, and
not on schoolwork or with her. When I try to do nice things for her to
substitute for my being busy, she thought I was too sentimental, and that I
thought gifts would solve everything. Last year, when I was out of town at a
game, I had sent her a series of teddy bears with small chocolates, and the
day I came back, I had a huge teddy bear with chocolates, and she had been
embarrassed. Another time, for her birthday, I had hired a guy to sing to
her outside her dorm room, and she had yelled at me that I was trying to buy
her love.
Jen is not a very active person, and she's only really involved in her
research. She likes to stay in the student lounge and talk politics, while I
like to be going out and doing things. I was amazed she had even wanted to
go the N'Sync concert. She thought I wasn't interested in her activities,
because whenever she tried to tell me about her research or what she had
discovered in lab, I thought she was trying to lord it over me about how
much smarter she was. We had had many fights about that, because she really
didn't think I had any idea what she was talking about half the time, while
I just wanted her to just once tell me she loved me too. She thought that I
wasn't aware of how much she really wanted to get in to the Murphy Research
Center. She thought that I didn't consider her needs important, because I
always planned things without consulting her first. Case in point:
Valentine's Day. I had hoped to be spontaneous by surprising her with a
romantic night on the town at a nice restaurant, and she had announced that
she was leaving for an in-depth research project that week, and was mad that
I hadn't consulted her before booking reservations.
The last fight we had had before the one at the Meet and Greet had only
been two days before, when I had told her that I had to go to practice
instead of helping her with some project. I had skipped a practice once
before, and the team was devastated. I was told off for not giving prior
notice, and had resolved not to do it again. Jen had convinced me to skip
practice yesterday, too, but she had at least given me a week to tell Coach
Blackwell.
The thing was, neither of us considered what the other person was
interested in as important. She hated baseball and being active, and I hated
studying and sitting at home. She would try to get me to skip practice to be
with her, and I would try to get her to stop studying to be with me. We were
just too different, but I was too much in love with her to care. And Josh
had been right; I usually took the blame for our fights, and I always
defended Jen with a vengeance whenever anyone tried to tell me otherwise,
whether it be my dad, Tony, or anyone else.
Except, when I met Josh, it was like a breath of fresh air. One of the
reasons I felt so weird after our long night together was that I was able to
forget about Jen so easily. Ask anyone: I thought about her constantly, and
after every fight, I wouldn't be able to sleep, I would feel so bad. But how
was it that Josh had made me completely forget Jen, the whole evening? I had
really only tried calling her twice, once on the ferry when I remembered
that we had gone on our first date riding the ferry, and once when we were
hanging around Pioneer Square, and I had seen a girl that looked like her.
And if Josh was gay... No wait, he was. He just told me. And I finally
looked at him. I had been staring into his eyes for a while now, lost in my
own thoughts, but now I saw how hurt he was. Tears were falling down his
cheeks, and he had backed away from me, leaning against the wall, shoulders
slumped, and his hair a mess. How insensitive of me. He had had the guts to
tell me, and I couldn't even think of anything to say to him?
Before I could even stammer a response, he spoke, his voice breaking as I
realized how upset my reaction had made him. I had thought that we were
becoming really close friends, and I had already hurt him by not knowing how
to react.
"Austin, I'm so sorry," he sobbed, his voice warbling, tears falling down
his face.
"Don't be, Josh," I finally said. And I got up and walked towards him. His
eyes widened in fear, and he began sobbing incoherently. He shrinked away
from me, probably thinking I was going to beat him up or something, like
some stupid homophobe. I wrapped my arms around him and held him, finally
realizing that as much as this shocked me and challenged me, and made me
consider how I felt about him, it didn't change him. I couldn't push him
away. I felt a connection to him, and I was attracted to him. That was the
kicker. I was attracted to him. That was the main reason I was so
distraught: did that make me gay too?
I kept telling him it would be ok, repeating it over and over, as if it
would somehow stop the feelings in my head, and the fact that I had
something new to worry about. Also to convince him that I didn't mean to
hurt him: I just wasn't sure if I needed this right now, on top of
everything else, wondering if I'm gay couldn't have come at a worse time.
Finally, Josh stopped crying and pulled away, grabbing my shoulders and
stared me in the face. His eyes were still wet and bright, and I couldn't
help but think how blue they were, and how bright. So different from...Jen.
Arrgh! Why couldn't I stop this! What was wrong with me! I'm not gay! I'm
with Jen!
"I wanted to tell you, but I thought you would hate me!" he said
hysterically.
"Josh, I can't hate you. You're my friend." I said, offering a small smile.
The fact that he was gay wasn't what threw me. I mean, he hadn't been
flirting with me or anything, so I really had no reason to be offended.
He wiped his eyes and calmed down a little. Thank God.
We sat in silence for a minute more, until I broke the ice with: "So you
like guys, huh?" And he laughed, still sniffling.
"Yeah, jeez, I was so scared to tell you! Thanks for not freaking out."
"Well, I'm glad you had the courage to tell me," I said. "It takes a lot of
guts to tell people something like that."
"I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, you know? I've been worrying
about telling you all day. Actually, I was worried all last night too," Josh
said, and he looked a lot calmer.
"I'm sorry I spazzed out for a minute there, dude. I guess I never saw it
coming."
"It's cool," Josh said, standing up and brushing off his lap, his extremely
tight black jeans straining against...I mean, no. Bad thought.
"Am I the only one you told, dude?" I said.
"Actually, Justin and Lance know," Josh admitted, stretching his arms back
and yawning. Obviously he was still tired from last night.
"I knew it!" I declared. He looked at me, confused.
"Last night, when I waited outside your dressing room, they were both
teasing me about you, and when you came out you were all embarrassed. I
thought it was a joke, but they probably thought we were together, right?" I
said.
Josh's eyes widened. "Actually, I was afraid that they would tell you I was
gay before I had a chance to explain, and that you wouldn't speak to me
again."
"How come only they know?" I asked. Josh sighed heavily and sat down next
to mea gain on the bad. He rubbed his soul patch thoughtfully, which I
thought was kind of sexy on a guy. I mean...cute, no damn it! I mean
distinguished. Yeah, there we go.
"I sort of came on to Justin," he said sheepishly. I held in a laugh, but
my smile was very obvious. He grinned back at me.
"Don't even laugh. I've already got your number," he said.
"Sorry. So what happened?"
"Well, we've known each other forever, right?" he began, pulling his legs
up and holding them with his locked arms, his chin resting on his knees.
"Yeah," I said, prompting him to go on, but also noticing how good his
cologne smelled. I mean...if I wanted to buy it for myself, I reasoned.
"And we would hang out together all the time, and I felt really, really
attracted to him." He said, then looked me in the eye to see how I would
react.
"Ok," I said.
"You have to admit he's cute, even if you're straight," he said, and I felt
flushed. Thankful that Josh thought I was straight, but not so thankful that
I wouldn't worry about it. I had never even looked at a guy that way before,
but I certainly had been looking at Josh like that, and probably had all
night, though I couldn't really remember.
"I guess," I said. I didn't like Justin at all, and regardless of how
attractive other people found him, I thought he was kind of self-centered.
But I really couldn't make any real judgment at all: I had only spoken to
him directly once in my life, and I had been irritated at the time, so my
opinion was probably biased. I also didn't care if he was attractive or not.
"So anyway, I thought we were just being really close friends. We met on
the set of MMC when I was 16, and he was 12. We've known each other
forever."
"Wait, how old are you?" I said. I thought that since N'Sync is considered
Teen Dance Pop, the members were teenagers. But the Mickey Mouse Club had
been cancelled almost nine years ago. That would make Josh...?
"I'm 25." I nearly fell off the bed.
"What? You're 25?!?"
"I'll be 26 in August," he answered, looking amused at my complete
surprise.
"I thought you were a teenager!!" I said.
"How old are you?" he countered.
"I'm 19." I answered, and it was his turn to be surprised. "I turn 20 at
the end of June," I said, mocking him.
"You're only freakin' 19? You're like six years younger than me!!"
"Wow, you must be smart if you can do such high level math as subtraction,"
I said.
"Shut up! No wonder we couldn't go into any bars when we were downtown last
night. I just thought you didn't drink."
"Well, I don't, but mainly it's because I don't even look old enough to not
be carded."
"That's true, you look like you could pass for 16," he said, looking me up
and down.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "Seriously, I thought your whole group was
teenagers," I said.
Josh burst out laughing. "Hell no! The closest one to a teenager is Justin,
and he turned 21 about a month ago."
"I vaguely remember the Mickey Mouse Club. Very vaguely. I never watched
it, but I think it was mainly because it was just singing, right?" I looked
at Josh.
"A whole bunch of people were on the MMC. Me, Justin, Britney, Christina
Aquillera, Keri Russell...," he said.
I was stunned again. "What happened? Did I totally miss everything? This is
all new to me," I said, trying to explain how revolutionary all of these
connections were.
"Well, the show was cancelled because nobody was watching, so I doubt
you're the only one who didn't remember," answered Josh. "Anyway, Justin and
I became friends on that show, and hung around all the time. I felt like his
big brother. About a year after that we started N'Sync, and we were still
really good friends. We shared everything: we shared an apartment for
awhile, and I would help him when we were on the road. I don't know: we just
grew on each other. It wasn't until about two years ago that I started
realizing I had all these feelings for him, and he was becoming a really
good-looking guy. I started falling for him. I followed him everywhere, and
I did whatever he wanted. We got really, really close, and a few months ago,
I decided to tell him how I felt. I invited him over to my house, and he
came over wearing like nothing."
I willed myself not to laugh. "What do you mean, he came over to your house
naked? Is he gay?"
"No, just let me finish. I remember so clearly because it was last
Christmas. Like the weekend before or something. Anyway, he comes over
wearing no shirt, a pair of khaki cutoffs and sandals. I practically died
when I answered the door. Then, when we went inside, he kept giving me weird
signals, like he might be gay, too. But I wasn't sure, but I couldn't get up
the nerve to just ask him, so..." He trailed off, looking thoughtful. I
wondered where this was going. This seemed awfully familiar...Had Josh told
me he was gay because he was in love with me, the same way he had told
Justin?
"So...?" I prompted eagerly. I was now sitting cross-legged on the bed, and
I was so involved in what he had to say that I had completely forgotten that
he was leaving in less than two hours.
"So, I waited, and waited, and waited, and we were getting pretty wasted,
and I was drunk, and I kissed him," he said, looking wistful.
"You kissed him?" I repeated, incredulous. That certainly wouldn't be good
for publicity: that Justin and JC of N'Sync had kissed.
"Yep. And he totally freaked. Ran out of the house, and went straight to
Lance's to tell him."
"What a jerk!" I said. "So wait, do you all live in the same area when
you're not on tour? And why was Justin not wearing a shirt in December? Was
he trying to kill himself?"
"Yeah, we're from Orlando, and he'd probably just come back from the beach.
And yeah, we live in a secluded neighborhood there. At least, me, Justin and
Lance do. Joey and Chris have houses near by, but Justin and I live across
the street from each other, and Lance lives next door to him."
"Oh," I said. I still thought it was pretty mean of Justin to do that, but
they hadn't seemed enemies in the dressing room corridor, just amused at the
idea of Josh and me.
"Well, I chased after him, crying and apologizing, and Lance was all nice
and said I should have told them if I was gay, and they asked me if I was,
and I said yes, and I'm so sorry, and they hugged me and said it was
alright, but we had to keep it from Joey and Chris. And the press," Josh
said, looking sad. How awful for him. Not only does his busy schedule keep
him from having a serious relationship, he couldn't even see anyone, for
fear that it would get out and the media would label him gay and people
would hate him. That wasn't fair to Josh at all.
"I feel so bad Josh. Does this mean you can't really see anyone
romantically?" I said.
He nodded sadly, and I pulled him towards me, trying not to notice how firm
his chest felt and how strong his shoulders were.
"But all your music is about is love. How can you write music about
something you practically aren't even allowed to have?"
Tears welled up in his clear blue eyes. "I don't know," he said. "I guess I
stopped thinking about the words and concentrated on clothes and dancing to
stop myself from being so depressed," he said into my shoulder. I patted his
back.
"Well, I have to admit, you are a really good dancer," I said. He
brightened a little. "Come on. Let's go get something to eat before you have
to leave."
"But I have to pack first," he said. I looked at him, feeling as much
sympathy as love for my poor friend, who had to live his life denying
himself what every person needs.
"Okay, I'll help," I said. If I looked at his sad face any longer, I would
start bawling. I quickly picked up some suitcases that were leaning against
the wall and opened them on the bed. Josh got up off the bed and walked over
to the closet, pulling the doors open smoothly on the track, and I gaped.
The closet was full of clothes. He had more clothes than I have probably
ever had in my entire life. Hangers and hangers. How could a person planning
on staying in a city for three days pack so much? But considering Josh had
changed clothes four times last night, I guess I shouldn't have been so
surprised. He caught my shocked face and smirked.
"Well, let's get started," he said, and began by pulling all of the hangers
out at once and tossing them onto a chair that was sitting right next to the
closet.
I opened all the drawers in the bureau, and the table by the bed, and the
table by the door, and the table in the little sitting room with the patio.
There wasn't much in there: just socks and some cologne. I dumped it in one
of the suitcases.
"Hey! You can't put socks and cologne in a suitcase like that!" He
exclaimed, abandoning the mess of clothes on the chair and hurrying over to
the bed. He pulled out everything I had just thrown in. "You have to sort
it!"
"Sorry," I said, then I went in to the bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush,
comb, and a few other personal items. He followed me in.
"Don't even think about putting that in the suitcase. Those go in my
carry-on bag!" he said.
"You're going to carry your toothbrush on the bus?" I said skeptically.
"How do you think I got a smile like this?" he said, pointing to his
brilliantly white teeth.
"Bleaching?" I teased, and he punched me in the arm. "Just do what I say!"
"Yes, master," I said, then dumped the stuff in the suitcase anyway.
"You're just trying to get me mad, aren't you?" he said, smiling, as I
jumped out of the way when he ran to the bed.
"Maybe," I said, still laughing.
When we were finally done packing, he still had an hour and twenty minutes
to go before they would leave on their tour bus. I suggested we go
downstairs and load his stuff in the bus now so that we wouldn't have to
worry about it later.
He agreed, so I picked up all of his bags and followed him to the elevator.
As we did, Joey caught up with us.
"Yo, you guys going down to the bus?" he said. He was holding a few bags
too, but not as many as Josh.
"Yeah, we're loading up now so that we can go get a bite to eat later,"
said Josh. "You want to come?"
"Solid. Yeah, I definitely want to find about what's the deal with you
two," he said, and Josh and I glanced at each other. What did Joey want with
us?
When the elevator reached the ground floor and the doors opened, we were
joined by some bellhops, who immediately ripped the bags out of my and
Joey's hands and carried them out into the parking lot for us. I noticed
that the hotel clerk was looking at me a lot differently than she had when I
came up earlier. I guess being famous does mean better service.
Once we walked out the door, I felt pretty good, better than I had in a
long time. Josh and I would stay in touch, and we had gotten even closer, as
if that were possible. But once we walked into the parking lot, a strange
scene played before us. I saw Justin's back to us, and someone's hands
around his waist. It looked like they were kissing. I also saw Lance talking
to them. I wasn't really paying attention to them though, and was really
looking at the bus, which was really big. But Josh and Joey stopped
suddenly.
"What's wrong?" I said, looking over at Justin.
"No, don't," he said, grabbing my arm to stop me from seeing, but it was
too late. I had already seen.
Justin was kissing Jen.
More to come. Well? What do you think? Email me!! scottiescot@hotmail.com