by Jan Simson

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Day: May 1, 2012

So I’m back again, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whether you like my blog or not. I hope you do. And if you don’t, that’s your problem, because this blog rocks and you know it. I haven’t posted anything in the great month of April because I was busy writing a book. I’m still working on it but I’ve completed almost all of the writing. It’s not a novel, so don’t expect a fantastic work of fiction. Because it isn’t fiction. Duh. I just told you that. Anyway, let’s get back to this whole blogging thing. I almost forgot how it works.

I thought about writing a post about something informative, inspirational, or thought-provoking like I usually do, but today I’m just going to give you a list of “Did You Know” things for when you do nothing other than write a book for one month.

DID YOU KNOW…

… that your social skills degrade profoundly?

… that your eyes turn red, and sometimes green or aqua blue with soft streaks of magenta and cyan, because you stare at a screen for too long?

… that your consumption of coffee skyrockets? Coffee… the delicious nectar of the gods. One moment, I’ll be right back…

… that you…

… that you start to forget things sometimes?

… that you feel like taking a nap immediately after you wake up from a ten-hour sleep?

… that even though your fridge might be stuffed with food, you only have the energy to prepare a bowl of half-cooked, non-spiced ramen?

… that a menial task seems like an impossible project? Vacuuming your room’s carpet, for example, feels like scrubbing the floor of the Taj Mahal. With your toothbrush. As you do a handstand. On one hand. While reciting the United States Declaration of Independence. In French. Backwards.

… that you suddenly understand that the famous joke “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side” is not about the chicken literally getting to the other side of the actual road, but rather getting to the other side of life, which is death? Because it’s gonna get hit by a car if it crosses the road, dumbo. That’s why.

… that you suddenly realize that the fictional monkey character “Terk” in Disney’s movie Tarzan is a female?

… that when you tell people that you’re currently writing a book, you are elevated to a new status of life where people look up to you and say, “This person is currently writing a book! Shower him with admiration and glorification for this elysian work! I want him to be our next president! He should rule the universe! These are horrible understatements of his absolute and complete awesomeness!” Just kidding, if you tell someone you’re writing a book, then they imagine a lifeless, pale figure slumping at a rotten desk, staring at a dim computer screen, waiting futilely for hours, days, weeks, months, even years for a spark of inspiration that prompts you to somehow manage to type the first word: “The”

… that one inhalation and one exhalation equaling one respiration, you respire approximately 20,000 – 25,000 times in one day? That’s a lot of nitrogen. NERD ALARM!

… that you seriously took into consideration counting how many times you respire and see if it matches up to the estimated amount of respirations made by some person on the interwebs? NERDIER ALARM!

… that this blog post is pretty awesome and you’re glad you read it because it was a good use of your valuable time and you actually learned something new?

So now you know about some of the things that I realized while writing a book for one month. On this fantastic and happy note, I will proceed to thank all of you who read my blog because even though I haven’t posted anything at all in the great month of April, Inspiration Avenue was viewed over 1,200 times. Cheers and cherries to all of you advocates of awesomeness. Amen.