Over the past months, I have struggled to find balance and to quiet my spirit. Inside my soul, I could feel my body, my mind, and my soul wrestling. They were struggling with a broken heart, the feeling that I wasn’t enough in any area of my life, and with this deep seeded pain that I would always be a fat blob. Yes my body image was in the gutter. There were hours of every day that I felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath or that my heart was shattering into too many pieces to count. Besides. . .who would even want to try counting the the pieces of my broken heart? Who would want to hold someone who has lost all roots and was crumbling to the ground?

This darkness lasted for a few very long months until I realized that slowly I was breathing a little deeper and sparks of light were finding a way into my heart. Tears stopped falling with intensity and eventually they stopped falling with any regularity at all. And then there were the mornings that I could look at myself in the mirror without cringing.

I am not sure if I can quite say what switched, but I opened my eyes a little wider, I listened to the noise around me and the quiet inside me with more awareness, and I took some time to just be where I was.

The process that I went through and that I am still navigating has become about honoring myself the best way I can by building a stronger foundation. In order to become stronger I had to process the pain and darkness that had settled inside of me.

What I have known with clarity is that there was not one thing that left me with such sadness. I feel all emotions with every fiber of my being. This means that on the days that I am unable to compartmentalize life’s many moving parts, I will drown in a sea of sorrows or simply in my own intensity.

Yes the last few months have sucked. . . completely sucked, but they also created the opportunity for me to look inward and the time to heal. Eventually the harsh realities didn’t feel so harsh and with that I began to see my roots take a firmer hold of the earth.

Sometimes the perfect words or the perfect picture show up exactly when you need them. As I was waking up, I was looking for what I needed to do so that I could become a little stronger.

This new journey that I am on is not simple. With a long path ahead of me, I realized that I needed to set up some boundaries for myself. This meant deep reflection:

What was missing from my life?

Does writing guide my every step? If it doesn’t, it needs to.

Am I doing enough to nourish and nurture my spirit?

Have I been creative enough?

Do I take time to play?

Am I moving in a way that feels good for my body?

Am I moving enough?

How am I choosing to fuel my body and my brain?

Can I do more to make this world a better place? Or what do I have to do differently so that my impact in this world is more positive?

Is stretching, reaching, and growing an active part of my day?

If I am really going to be the healthiest that I can be, I need to be guided by deep seeded accountability multiple times every day.

Am I living authentically?

Am I choosing to hide behind a mask that others decorate?

Am I being the chameleon that fits into the world as I believe others want me to?

Over the last few weeks, I began to see that I was living behind a shadow of my own making. This realization means that it is time for me to actively return to strengthening my foundation with clear intentions while using this clarity to build the body, mind, and soul I want.

The work is daunting and yet it is also profoundly rewarding too. Each day I am gaining ground and celebrating more and more successes. I am also taking responsibility for navigating my life with intention as I actively engage in putting together the puzzle pieces of my body, mind, and soul. Only through that journey will I be able to soar and better become the woman I want to be.

Join me over the coming weeks as I unveil some of the moving parts that I am navigating and myriad of ways I hope to stretch, to grow, and ultimately to heal. My hope is that as I share some of my story, I may inspire you in some small way.

Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava

(Note: If you read to the end and if you like what I have to share, I’d love it if you would let me know by liking or commenting on my post.)

Today is Day 21 (and the last day) of My Selfie Challenge. This was my time to look at how I walked in the world and to shake loose from some of the very things that bound my spirit. And if I am going to be really truthful, it was my hope that as I took each photo, I would learn to be just a little happier with the person that I am. As a seeker, it was my time to find the beauty that was me.

~ ~ ~

As a woman, a mother, a thinker, a seeker, a free-spirit, an intuitive, a dreamer, a friend, a sister, a healer, an activist, a loving soul, and a human being, I believe that my voice needs to soar. In fact, I believe that most human beings that are doing their part to make the world a better place need to be preaching their truth as they stand with humanity.

Over the past 21 days, I have felt trapped in the selfie box. While I may have felt trapped, I now feel free because in the end I realized some very important truths about myself.

My voice matters.

I am beautiful inside and out.

Living in these times and in the confines of my life have made me painfully raw and intense.

I am deeply broken and always have been yet I have learned to show up and be the most authentic and loving soul I can be.

Friendships mean the world to me and the pain of unexpected loss leaves me bereft – forever. I move forward, but the pain endures.

Sometimes there is a place in this world for rage AND the time is now. The fucked up nature of our world means that their is no time for silence. Our voices need to rise up for those that are disabled, the Dreamers, the Native Americans, the marginalized, the minorities, our environment, asylum seekers, and the entire human race. We need to do all we can do to keep the world safe from guns that shouldn’t be used, by the President of our country and by the pathetic government that doesn’t seem to represent our country with dignity and love.

Those that attempt to silence me or alter my words don’t belong in my life. But those that inspire me to reach higher and develop my thoughts more fully – thank you.

My passion drives me and helps me embrace the world fully.

While I show up with warmth, love, and a smile on my face, my intensity leaves me quietly awkward inside with an aching heart.

I love the world and feel a little too deeply.

Living consciously and out loud is the gift I give to the world I love. While it doesn’t always feel comfortable for those that know me, I am feeling blessed to have the soul I have.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable. . .

Today is Day 15 of My Selfie Challenge. This is my time to look at how I walk in the world and to shake loose from some of the very things that bind my spirit. And if I am going to be really truthful, it is my hope that as I take each photo, I will learn to be just a little happier with the person that I am. As a seeker, it is my time to find the beauty that is me.

~ ~ ~

I often try to push myself at the things that I struggle with. 21 day challenges are a good way to start the process of altering behaviors and to do deep reflection on how to navigate some of life’s challenges. With that in mind, I think there will be more 21 day challenges in my future.

Usually by Day 15 of any 21 Day Counting, I am finding a sweet rhythm, but not here. I’m really struggling to see myself in any picture. Sigh. So, taking selfies of myself for 21 days is ABSOLUTELY a challenge.

Looking at yourself in any way can be complex while you are coming to terms with where you are. Inside I am facing some lots of turmoil and wondering how to best navigate all of life’s moving parts. I believe that is making it difficult for me to find the good in what’s in front of me or within me.

Entering my final week of this Selfie Challenge is a little daunting. My experiment has yet to work. I am not really having fun taking photos of myself or an easy time articulating why I am doing this journey. Yet it feels important to wrestle and to continue seek to capture where I am standing in this moment.

I’ve never seen myself as beautiful inside or out. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am and how I walk in the world, but I still have work to do to find the beauty.

This work feels like holy and worthwhile.

What I am appreciating is the freedom I have in being vulnerable as I try to remain brave. The 21 Day Selfie Challenge is my way of allowing people to see me. This is pretty scary for the woman that believed for many years that she was one of the ugliest people alive.

Today, I find myself perplexed that I ever saw myself as ugly even if I understand why that was. AND I happen to find physical beauty in nearly everyone I see. I absolutely love that people come in so many different shapes, sizes, colors, and complexities. I love that about myself as well.

Complicated feelings and all, I embracing this journey with an open heart.

Writing is the only way I know to fully unveil my soul, to figure out my truth, and to be the most authentic that I can be. I’ve known this since the beginning of time. When I was a young girl, I used to dream of being a writer; in fact, I still do. More than anything in the world, I have always wanted a small writing cabin in the mountains and near water to hide and write.

Just the act of writing creates a cocoon for me to rest, to create, and then to ultimately fly. My younger son, Dovi, has been known to remind me that my actions prove that I am not taking the time I need to write. You see, when I don’t write, that means I have gone down a slippery slope and that I may be enveloped by darkness.

This morning, I woke up with a strong need to simply share my most inner thoughts with a friend. They weren’t the most comfortable thoughts to share, but they were spoken from the deepest part of my soul. That’s the only way I can write.

And then I looked at last night’s blog and realized that it came out wrong even though it came from my heart. I took some time to edit it this morning. I love being able to edit what I write. Since I don’t always think I am articulate, I am often frustrated that I can’t edit what I have said; once my words go out into the universe, that’s where they remain. I guess the same can be said for when you hit send on your computer. Once anything is read or heard, it’s out there.

Yet, for me, once I write from the deepest part of my soul, my spirit is cleansed and I feel more whole. I know that this doesn’t always leave the reader of my notes or my blogs feeling good. But in the words of Joan Didion,

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”

Once I release my heart into the world through writing, I am usually able to find an inner peace that wasn’t there before I spoke my piece.

Writing, the song of my heart,the meaning of my mind,the feeling of my soul, Is what makes me whole!

(Note: I wrote these words in one of the worst moments of my life. At the time, I was 14 years old and I had just experienced a fear like no other. And yes, writing is how I navigated then and I still do that today.)

Today is Day 14 of My Selfie Challenge. This is my time to look at how I walk in the world and to shake loose from some of the very things that bind my spirit. And if I am going to be really truthful, it is my hope that as I take each photo, I will learn to be just a little happier with the person that I am. As a seeker, it is my time to find the beauty that is me.

~ ~ ~

Feeling deeply and melancholy too.’

Needing to be authentic, so for now I will just show a selfie that shows only my moving feet; I feel like my spirit’s journey is best represented this way – there is a little too much darkness today. On a personal level, I am struggling. AND I am at a loss when I truly look at the world as it is in this moment. As I navigate the world within me and the world around me, I find myself continually asking how can I be enough? How can I do enough? Sigh.

Professionally, I may wear a mask every now and then. Most of the time, I am actually ok with that. In a world that I work for others and with others, I think it is wise to be willing to honor a community and work environment by stepping aside. As long as I work for others, I have to meet people where they are with a willingness to step back. Perhaps that is what it means to function fully in the world.

For Photo Day 5 Selfie: 7 February 2018

And yet. . . .

Being direct and authentic comes at a cost. Not everyone is comfortable with how I walk in the world. With that knowledge lurking, I do have to find ways to navigate. Aren’t we all always navigating?

My personal motto is guided by the words of Émile Zola:

“If you ask me what I came to do in this world,I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out loud.”

May I find the balance to live out loud, be myself, and toss aside the masks – all while living consciously and thoughtfully in the world.

Illness and wake-up calls come when you need to listen to your body, your mind, and your soul. So when I finally listened to what my body was saying a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with bronchitis.

But 10 days later, I realized that I was still in bad shape and getting worse, so I went back only to receive the same diagnosis and a change in medicine. AND this time I realized that what I needed more than anything else was to stop and really rest.

But then something in the report caught my eye.

10/12/2017
Body Mass Index 30+ – Obesity; Bronchitis

Ouch!!!

As a past runner and someone who is totally conscious of my health, I am so aware that something has to change; I’ve known this for a very long time. In fact, I started a serious health journey 45 days before my 45th birthday. That journey was amazing and changed my relationship with food. I took off nearly 65 lbs and I have kept nearly every pound off for over 6 years. But now I need to begin again and take the rest of my weight off.

As someone who is basically healthy, I strongly believe there is no excuse for “obesity”. This isn’t about looks (except that I HATE my double-chin); this is about becoming the healthiest that I can be. In fact this entire year has become about becoming the healthiest I can be.

Needing to have back surgery in early April was the first very loud message, but then there were others. So with that in mind, I am actively taking the words of my dear soul sister, Arlene Berger and the Torah, “Choose Life” (Deuteronomy 30:19). If I want to thrive and to be the healthiest that I can be, I have to consciously life into my realm. I love knowing that while Arlene and I live in different cities, we are on this journey together.

I have 123 days or 4 months between now and my 52nd birthday. And I have goals of what I want for my body, my mind, and my soul. I do believe that light is surrounding each and every step of this journey.

This health journey is not only about weight, although I do need to manage my weight better in order to be one step closer to better health. There is also such beautiful spiritual and emotional work that is calling my name.

I got this.

As I own my health journey, know that what is listed, is some of my current soul work and some new things based on my doctor’s notes and his feedback when we met this past summer. My goal is to be the healthiest I can be – body, mind, and soul. And while I am being transparent, I’d love to have your support, but I am conscious that too much good advice can be a bad thing. If I let you know that something I am choosing to do is a non-negotiable, please don’t try to convince me that I am wrong.

So, here is my list:

Go dairy and meat free! I am considering whether or not I will continue eating eggs and fish. I think that I will be removing fish from my diet after tonight because we purchased salmon for tonight’s Shabbat dinner. (Note: I have been virtually meat free for many years so meat free is not a big deal. 🙂 AND I will be working with Weight Watchers guidelines.)

Prepare three new vegan recipes a week. Take time to enjoy living a more healthy lifestyle.

No added sugar to my diet. I will continue having fruit and sometimes fruit juices with no added sugar. I know this has sugar, but I am doing it anyway.

Allow for more silence in my life. Breathe a little deeper.

One of my favorite quotes by Franz Kafka is “Writing is prayer.” With this in mind, I want to surround my life with more spirituality through my writing.

Exercise more – this includes walking 7-10 miles daily and/or finding a piece of equipment to do daily at home. I am thinking about an elliptical. Thoughts?

Politically and spiritually, there is so much work that our world needs me/us to do. With this in mind, I want to listen to the wisdom of one of my favorite songs in the world, “Keep On Moving Forward” by Emma’s Revolution. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtiXT5c5jBQ

Live my truths without apology. Allow for my authenticity to shine.

Chant, Drum, and Dance

By choosing to do this holy work, I am choosing to fuel my soul. I guess my soul sister can’t tell me I am ignoring her wisdom!