day by day in a marriage that's out of love

waiting

Here’s an opportunity to remember those bittersweet teenage Saturday mornings waiting for the phone to ring. Will he call, won’t he …? With the weary insight of later life, it’s hard to keep even a fragile fingerhold on my self-esteem as I check my emails, texts, facebook page, voicemail, and wait, and wait, and …

Of course he promised to keep in touch, of course I believed it. However busy the business trip, however drunken the drinks party, there’s always a moment to send just a tiny text, isn’t there? Wrong again.

So a new shadow slides onto the stage. Here, behind the weeping wife, next to the lonely old woman, appears the jealous lover, suspicion darkening her view. If he is not with me, who is he with? Can he really be happily settled in a hotel room all alone every night? And why is there no time to call in the morning? Images of attractive, confident, determined 30-somethings elbow their way into my mind. This is a completely different sort of despair, a challenge I do not feel equipped to win.