Thursday, November 1, 2012

See the Difference, You Kept Asking, But It Wasn't a Question

United's homefield advantage in the first round of MLS' lame-ass and rinkydink playoffs has been taken from them. By finishing second in the East, United had earned the second game of their opening playoff aggregate goal series versus the New Jersey Metros, a small but significant enough bonus, but because of damage to Metros Stadium from Sandy the first game of the series, scheduled for this Saturday night in Harrison, has been flipped to RFK this Saturday, the second game flopped to Harrison next Wednesday. Some United fans are outraged at the competitive injustice! I found out about the switch last night when a Noted MLS Is-Anti-DCU Conspiratorialist (NMLSIADCUC) Noted MLS Is Pro-New York Pro-LA Conspiratorialist (NMLSIPNYPLA) texted me. Conversation ensued:

NMLSIADCUC: You know they flopped the NYRB (aka Metros) game and we're at RFK Saturday night, right?

Me: No, I didn't. Not a problem logistically for me - I'll be there - but shame to lose the earned advantage.

NMLSIADCUC: Very much so. Goff clutching censorious pearls over that very issue. NY Giants, oddly enough, still playing at home on Sunday.

Me: I don't know the geography. And thank goodness neither of us believes in Black Helicopters (which reminds me of a GbV song).

NMLSIADCUC: Uhm... Red Bull Arena is maybe five miles from Meadowlands. Next to same river. And the same I-95. Geography ain't the issue.

NMLSIADCUC: Garber sucks Red Bull and Galaxy cock is the issue.

Me: No idea where either are except generally. MLS is corrupt and rinkydink - but it's possible Harrison can't be ready by Saturday and NBC said fuck you, you're playing somewhere Saturday and MLS told United what's what and promised them something up the road as return favor, MLS being corrupt and rinkydink.

NMLSIADCUC: That's really dubious, except for the part about United having this jammed up their ass, which is, from all evidence, indisputable.

Me: It may be dubious - and I hope this becomes a juicy scandal on MLS corruption and rinkydinkness of course - but I bet local officials said the last goddamn thing we need to worry about is an MLS playoff game and MLS was happy to accommodate. Delighted even.

Motherfucking Democrats. This is true: Harriet, a phonebanker with MOCO Democrats, called my cell yesterday asking for money. I politely, calmly, said No, please take my name off this call list. She said, Sure, then asked me why, and I politely, calmly told her an abbreviated and profanity-free version of what I motherfucking yodel here. She sighed. You're not the first.