Monthly Archives: March 2015

I hope that it finds all of you well and happy as the seasons change and we see the buds bloom, seeds are planted, and the robins land with their red tummies.

This is the frst Ostara I have actually acknowledged in my three years in my journey as a Witch. I am not celebrating really. We are going to try to dye eggs. I plan to wear lovely spring colors, and to spend time outside, with the blooming things, watching the ducks as they scowl at me for daring to live in this complex when clearly it belongs to them since they have a nest by the pond.

I remember when I was a little girl, near our our front stairs we had four red tulips that came up every spring, and I would wait and wait and I knew when I saw their green pushing through the soil it was time, and soon the days would be longer, and we could pay outside more, and the sun would be warm. Fall has always been my favorite season, but as I learn to appreciate this planet, I learn to appreciate it all.

So this year, spring coming has been a beautiful thing to me. Every bud, the birds singing in the early hours. The feel of the cool breeze against my face, even when I was in the sun.

So welcome spring, welcome Blessed Maiden. Show us, teach us of life anew.

I have been through lots of therapy, talked to lots of “Licensed therapists.” Never once had I heard this term. Recently, watching videos about various things, and reading about various things, all mostly to do with Paganism, self-growth, etc. I came across the term self-love. The act of truly, genuinely loving yourself. Not in the way therapist try to get you to do. The “Keep your chin up and remember you are a great person and it will get better.” with a fake smile kind of way.” No in a nitty-gritty being deeply real with yourself, learning about yourself until you come to understand you genuinely ARE an awesome person. It doesn’t come overnight, and it doesn’t come from your basic self help books, and it certainly doesn’t come at 100 some odd bucks an hour.

It comes from you. It comes from me.

I have to do all the work. So far I really haven’t found a guide. I’m sure there is one. Right now I am sort of just meandering through. Reminding myself if I do a good job at something I am fucking well going to be proud of it and if someone thinks I am arrogant well screw them. The thing is, in our society we are not given the inherent right to love ourselves. We have to shove all that down. Don’t be proud, that’s arrogant! Don’t brag! Don’t show people that new skill you learned that’s showing off!! Why can’t we do those things? I know I am thrilled to see new skills people have learned, and proud when friends accomplish things that are hard for them. We are told to love ourselves but not given the right to truly do so.

Sometimes, you are your only cheerleader. Maybe you tell three people and one of them half hears you. Maybe no one thinks it was a big deal, and you know it was for YOU, Maybe there is no one there at that moment to say anything. So you give yourself a pat on the back, and that is the most important praise you can ever get. Other praise fades, sometimes can be false, but true praise, from yourself to yourself, that never goes away.

So when you do something you though was impossible, brag. Tell the people you care about. Post about it on facebook and twitter, but most of all stop, breath, and tell yourself you did it. You did this thing you didn’t think you could do, and now you can do it again.

In the fall of 2010 my life changed in so many ways. Oh so many. Walls torn down, the status quo of my life ashes on the floor as I attempted to build them back up. Build them I did.

As one person burned them down she made a statement, which I paraphrase.

“I can’t live with the intensity in which you live.”

I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. None. I figured my current problems at that time were an easy way to end a dying friendship, and I still think that is true to a certain point. There comes a time when a friendship sometimes just doesn’t work anymore, when you should walk away, and that one had long since left the bus station. We just refused to see it. Which often leaves an awful mess. Which it did. Leaving people hurt on all sides in it’s wake. Now, if I ever feel a relationship is suffering, needs tweaking, it’s time to move on, I say something. Sometimes the very act of saying something is all that was needed. Amanda Palmer’s Bed Song is a very good example of that. The “Why didn’t you say something?”

Full Definition of INTENSITY

: the quality or state of being intense; especially : extreme degree of strength, force, energy, or feeling

2

: the magnitude of a quantity (as force or energy) per unit (as of area, charge, mass, or time)*

What started me thinking was this quote which my best friend had posted on her facebook wall.

“I am terrified of passive acquiescence. I live in intensity.” Virginia Woolf

That quote finally made me understand what the fuck my friend meant, because up to the very second I read that quote I had no idea what she was talking about. how does one live intensely? Why s that a negative? What does she mean? She never left the dialogue open. That I am not bothering going into. It was petty on both sides I suppose. Honestly? I don’t care. All I cared about was that one phrase. Everyone has moved on, lives are happy I hope, etc, but what does she mean?

Now I don’t claim to know much of anything about Virginia Wolf. I know she was a troubled individual. I have bipolar disorder which I guess one could say I suffer from. It certainly feels like it at times. In any case I pulled up a Wikipedia article on her. Apparently she too had what may have been BiPolar Disorder, and like all of us with a very busy mind, she was extremely creative.

She chose to love with intensity. Again I turn to Merriam-Webster

“To Acquiescent:tending to accept or allow what other people want or demand”

So basically, my former friend, who would claim to live in intensity were she asked, using a different word since apparently she can not keep up with such a thing, would prefer a person be Acquiescent. Sitting and allowing not only what she wanted, but what others want as well, never opening your mouth to say a word about it.

As I sit here thinking over the entire thing, I realize how true that was, and how the way I lived, and still live would not have been something she could handle. If a workplace treats it’s employees unfairly, I speak up. At the workplace, if a person is rude to me at a store I might say something. I laugh loudly, I can be crude. Yes I may want a picture of myself fondling pan’s balls at the museum. I really don’t think this falls under what Virginia Woolfe means and is probably more Carpe Diem professor Keating style, but you get my meaning.

We get one ;ife while we are here to live this one, and I am sure the hell going to enjoy it. I am not going to sit and arm chair politics and the rest of the time try to fit a status quo while talking about the old days.

Which I found myself close to doing.

So this quote, this intensity with which I live my life, it’s coming back slowly. I had, and have; a tons of healing to do. If you happen to see a girl wearing grey lipstick, with bright red hair, a cute pixie cut and a mischievous grin. That’s probably me. If you see my with a girl who looks ten times more mischievous…well…look out world. I’m with my true best friend, who knows what living with intensity really means.