Discovering My Sexuality: from Kindergarten to High School

It gets better, I promise!

Photo by Michael Verhoef on flickr

Let’s just start by saying that I am proud to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. It was not always like that though, and this is an early warning that it is going to get emotional. Maybe you already went through it, maybe you saw a friend go through it, or even maybe you are going through it at this very moment yourself. I am not saying all experiences are unpleasant, uncomfortable, or ugly; this is just my side of the story. I bet some other people out there had extraordinary experiences and I am happy for them.

For the first four years of school I attended a Christian academy and all they taught us was about the conventional family; you know the loving mother, the working dad, and the sons and/or daughters that a bird mysteriously brought to the door one night. Which let me say it is a story that parents should stop telling their kids, you don’t want your kid calling a bird “mom”. Just be truthful and honest with your kids and find the best way to explain the science behind “baby making”. So back to our story, I always knew I was different to others. When boys in my classroom told me stuff like “Hey look at that girl, isn’t she really cute?!” I would just play along and say “Yeah! She certainly is!” I would be lying if I say I don’t think girls are pretty or pretty hot, but one thing I began to notice was that my fellow classmates did not look at males like I did. As I grew up I just saw kids trying to innocently hit on girls and not on guys so, just to fit in and try to avoid being “that weird kid in class”, I put the idea of also liking boys to a side and did what every other boy my age was doing.

Middle school came and with it so did puberty. Oh puberty, hormones reach their highest levels, hair starts growing everywhere, and you notice that your phallic friend starts growing for no reason and you don’t know what to do about it; nothing that a good old sexuality class can help with, am I right?. By this time I started discovering my body, learning exciting things about it and how it worked. Still something did not fit in. IT WAS ME! I still liked boys and by this time I wanted to know for certain if I really did or not. So there was this technology laboratory at school, the only place where I could have access to a computer with internet since I grew up really poor and my family could not afford such commodities at the time, and went to the most isolated computer there was. I opened the browser, heart beating really fast because I was extremely nervous for what I was about to do, and searched for straight porn. I got extremely happy due to the fact that my phallic member got erected. Now it was time to search for gay porn. I did and… I also got a boner. I was so worried because all my life I was taught that being gay was punishable by God, it was not socially accepted, and it was tremendously frowned upon.

High school came and oh my god! It was time to be reckless, to ignore beliefs, and to finally try to identify my sexuality, something that it is impose by society for some reason because humans like to put a label on everything. I went up to this internet page where there was this chat with people from the gay community and I met this guy. The problem was that he lived 1000 miles from me and if I wanted to meet him in person I would had to take a plane. But you know teens being teens we started talking and noticed we were attracted to each other. By this time I was feeling guilty for hiding these feelings from my family. I knew it was time to tell my mom, I knew it was time to build up the courage and tell her that I had an attraction towards boys, so I did. I was nervous, feeling I was at the verge of a breakdown, my face all red and heart beating so fast I was definitely sure it was going to jump off my chest. I remember it like if it was yesterday, it was around 10:00 pm and I sat her down on the living room. I told her I had some news for her, she was worried sick and was anxious, so I went and said “Mom, I like boys.” Silence filled up the room and the disappointment stare on her face was shocking; at this point I felt like I wanted to die. She then proceeded and said “Are you sure?” which to I responded with “Yes”. After a couple more seconds of awkward silence she asked me if I wanted to visit the psychologist which to I angrily responded with “I’m okay! I just like boys. Why is that such a bad thing? There is nothing wrong with me!” After that conversation my mom, who is the person I most love in this world, stopped talking to me for three months. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. On top of that, the guy I was talking with just disappeared.

On those three months of just sadness and nightly sessions of praying to God to take my gayness away, I met this guy on Facebook that I swear I had no idea how he got to my friends list, but I was really happy he did. After a month of talking on Facebook and video chatting on Skype I felt ready to meet him. I asked my mom if she could drive me to the mall because I was meeting up with some friends, something that was odd for me because at that age all I wanted to do was to be locked up in my room playing my PlayStation 3, and after a moment of doubt and consideration she said yes and only yes because she still didn’t agree about my sexuality. I met up with this guy that studied two towns away from me and let me tell you it was magical. That date felt like nothing I had experienced in my life up to that moment. We talked, we laughed, and we walked. The date ended with an amazing hug; in reality I just wanted to kiss him, I know, reckless me.

So my message for you guys with this story is that you are not alone. There is a bunch of people going through same situations, or even worse ones. Don’t be afraid to meet that cute boy you’re crushing hard on, just try to be yourselves; explore your sexuality. Remember no one is 100% straight nor a 100% gay, we are all on this spectrum that could easily go either way.

I'm a Puerto Rican college student that's obsessed with animal sciences, fiction, politics, and marine life. My goal here is to talk about my experiences and the things that drive my passions without getting looked at with judgmental eyes.