Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Hi everyone! It's been a while since I've posted, but I do have good news this morning! I am now officially 50 lbs down from my highest! That was my most recent goal. My highest weight was 486, I am now 435. For those who have been following this, I know I'm not far below where I was at the end of my brief juice fast a few months back. That was the most amazing experience! I highly recommend that to anyone, it wasn't just about the weight loss. I felt really good. The only downfall to it, besides how expensive it was, was the Psychology of not being able to eat at all. But, not everyone would have the issues I had with that. I will juice fast again, but I will only do it for 7-10 days at the most. For anyone who knows anything about weight loss, I lost a drastic amount in a very short period of time, I'm thrilled to have that off now, and to have more off!

It has been a highly stressful time since then in my personal life. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that it is getting any better right now either. It seems like it's just one thing after another, or more like...5 things right after another. But, I have faith and I'm praying a lot. God knows more than I do about everything, I'm trusting that he'll get me through all of this and things will turn out great, hopefully sooner rather than later!

I was thinking the other day, it would be really cool to be below 400 before the 1st of the year. I'm only 36 pounds away from 399. How cool is that? I am well aware of my love for cooking and baking and big meals with family and friends. I am also well aware of the fact that it is Thanksgiving tomorrow and we still have my 21st anniversary and Christmas between now and the 1st. But, why not shoot for it??? I am not going to completely deny myself the eating pleasures of the holidays, but, I am going to see what I can do to get to that goal.

I've also been catching so many bugs and viruses. I've been sick a lot, it's insane! Right now myself and my younger two children are all sick.

Ok...enough of all that! I am cooking and baking up a storm the next 2 days. In fact, I will be heading into my kitchen shortly to get a start on that. A very good friend of mine told me that she isn't doing anything for Thanksgiving and doesn't want to do anything because you're "supposed" to. I get that, I definitely do. But, I love traditions and having a reason to do it. My oldest daughter won't be here for the meal this year, that saddens me. She will be seeing us though, and will probably have some leftovers with us. I love the holidays and partaking in the traditions of them. This year it will be just hubby, my younger 2, my mother in law, and possibly a friend of my middle child. I did all of the shopping, I'm doing all of the cooking...I think they'll be doing the after dinner cleanup!!

Oh, and what am I thankful for? A lot of things. Family, health, my families health! hubby and I having jobs, a home, vehicles, electricity, fresh running water, the many many things that we take for granted in this country, being alive now rather than before conveniences and technology! lol I always say that Jesus really loved us because he even came before all of the modern conveniences we have and then went through all he did for us, out of love! Which leads me to the most important thing I am thankful for, everything he did and is doing for us. I look forward to hearing what everyone is thankful for!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Hi! I have thought about blogging lately, when I'm in the shower or driving. I have lost 4 pounds in 4 days. I've noticed my clothes are baggy and my underwear almost fell off this morning (yes, I know, TMI) Earlier in the week I was down a pound from last week.

Here's what's been going on...I started a job the week before last. It is a job where I am chasing 2 year olds all day. I know I have a lot of physical problems, but, I am being careful and other than feeling like I've worked out with my old psychotic trainer every day (remind me to tell you about him), I'm doing ok. I am exhausted, have already been fighting a cold and some funky cold sore things on my mouth..which, I might add..is uber attractive! Oh, my sentence structure is not proper tonight and I don't care.

I had an A in my math class (I'm glad miracles never cease!) and I'm in my 2nd to last week of it I am quite sure it's no longer an A this week, due to me kind of blowing it off, BAD ME! But, I WILL pass it this time, I failed it last time. I could beat myself profusely for that smooth move. I HATE math. I love math when I understand it, but, I tend to get confused and frustrated very easily. This class is a lot of figuring out formulas, which I've never liked.

I am trying to be positive and keep on going no matter what lately. I've noticed things like awesome clouds, I've appreciated the cooler weather and when we get a nice breeze. I had my oldest daughter with me after work today and she noticed a HUGE rainbow in front of us. I was like a little kid when I saw it!! I thought I saw a hummingbird on the playground at work and was about to freak out with excitement, but, it was a dragon fly. I decided that was cool too! It's the little things with me. lol. I've found the things my 2 year olds do to be amusing too. My family amuses me. My animals amuse me. I amuse myself half the time.

I am EXHAUSTED every day, there's not enough time in the day and the weekends aren't long enough. But, this is good for me and it's yet another learning experience. I will try to update more regularly.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I wanted to check in, I've been busy with a lot of things and haven't been blogging. I'm about to get a lot busier but I'll figure out a way to manage everything so that I'm still getting blog time. My weight, by the way, is back "down" to 445. It had been up to 454 within a couple of weeks of not juicing anymore. I'm quite sure it will not be a problem for the weight to keep dropping, whether or not I am juicing. But, I do want to start juicing at least part time as soon as I can.

I had noticed that when I would go to get up I would "catapault" myself the other day. It is because of the weight loss. Can't complain about that feeling!

I am LOVING the weather. However, there have been 3 times recently that I am ready to go walk and it starts raining! lol. If I could be guaranteed there would be no lightning I'd go walk in the rain! That would be awesome to do sometime. But, there's often lightning when it rains here.

Anyway, there's nothing special to post here tonight, I just wanted to let everyone know how things are going.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd check in. I'm uber excited about fall! The weather is cooling down and we've had some amazing weather lately! I love fall, winter, and spring here but I'm not fond of the summer. Though I must say, this summer has been uncharacteristically "not as hot" here and hotter everywhere else. Leave my grammar alone! LOL

I saw the doctor this week. I've been having so many issues with neuropain and my sugar levels aren't stable so I finally said "yes, let's do this" on the insulin. He said as I lose more weight I will most likely come off of it. He explained how once my pancreas is damaged to a certain point, it's through. Scary stuff. I've known way too many people who've lost loved ones to diabetes. I even found out that at least one of my relatives has died from it. I have it on both sides of my family, which I only recently found out.

Once I started on the insulin it seemed like I had more energy almost right away, my neuropain has lessened some, though it has a long way to go. But, today is only day 4.

My weight loss made my doctor very happy. He told me to keep up the good work and see him in a month. With the weather getting better, I will be walking more. The pain is still there, but the more I move, the better I feel. Most of the time.

I've been very busy with life in general. I've spent a lot of time online trying to get a job. I had one interview and it seemed to go well. She said it is a 2 week process, it hasn't been 2 weeks yet but I'm not holding my breath. Regardless of my skills, education, experience, etc., my physical appearance is huge. (pun intended) I wish I could go back to running my home based business, I took a lot of pride in that and had a good reputation. But, that's not really an option now.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I have a different perspective than most, at least I think I do. When someone gains weight as a young adult, it worries me. I have several people I love dearly who have put on a considerable amount of weight as newly married people, newly graduated from high school, etc. I have some young moms who have put on a lot of weight since they've begun having children. Due to my own experience, this makes me very concerned.

When I was about 21 or 22 my oldest sister came to visit me. Since I've lived away from most of my family ever since I went into the Navy, they often go long periods of time without seeing me. My sister had concerns about how much weight I had put on since she had last seen me.

We were at a gas station and when I came back out from paying for my gas my sister said "you hold yourself well for someone of your size". I don't remember my response to that, but I knew she was giving me a compliment. I said "you know what I don't understand?" She said "What?" I said "I eat a lot, I don't understand how some people can be so huge, I can't imagine anyone eating more than I do". She said "They don't, they've just been doing it longer".

Though I have always remembered that conversation, it obviously did not stop me from gaining more weight. I have never forgotten it, and I think about it every time I see a young adult gaining weight. I never had a person who actually was obese try to talk to me about my weight or try to explain things to me. I only had people with no weight problems try to tell me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it.

I had a few people try the humiliation route with me. I had one person who loved me very much say all kinds of horrible, nasty things to me one night in hopes that it would make me do something drastic and start losing weight. It only hurt me and made me feel even more hopeless. This paragraph should have been put in the "demons" post I did last week.

I've been having a Very difficult time in non-weight related personal life stuff, but this isn't the place for it. I will say that I've had NO feedback for the last few posts and I'm feeling like everyone has given up because I am not juicing. I have a truly legitimate reason why I am not and cannot juice right now. I WANT to juice and want to feel really good again. I have a dear friend who is about to start juicing this week, she is very excited about the things I told her about it. In fact..this week the juicer I have is on sale for $69.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Hi all! Hope everyone is well. I am really looking forward to being able to juice again. I miss it. I was telling a friend about it today, she has a lot of chronic pain and was curious about it. I was telling her how I felt energetic, yet I could sleep well at night. Her eyes lit right up over that. I was also telling her how my aches and pains were minimal. I just felt good. Now, the emotional stuff coupled with the stuff in my personal life. Not good. But, as far as my aches and pains being gone, my weight loss, etc. It was nothing short of a miracle. Wait..if it were a miracle it would be easy and pain free, right? It was not easy, it also was not pain free.

That being said, I am so ready to do it again. I was reading that they have a 555 plan where you exclusively juice for 5 days, then you add veggies and fruits for 5, then back to the exclusively juicing. That looks interesting! I'm also still hoping that I'll make a juice my son will actually drink. He is very thin and hardly eats anything. I want him to get his nutrition. If I can find something that he "approves" of, I'll give him a big glass of juice every day too.

Now if I can just get through life in general. I will hopefully be able to start juicing again in a few days. Hopefully! I am very much looking forward to it. Tuesday marks the 4th week since I started. It's hard to believe it's been that long, then again, it is hard to believe that it hasn't been longer.

I've greatly appreciated the feedback I've received in emails, phone calls, texts, facebook messages, and from the few brave souls who even comment on the actual blog. Thank you everyone!

For anyone who suffers from a chronic condition, aches and pains, tiredness, etc. I highly recommend juicing to some extent.
Dinah

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A friend of mine did the juice fast for 30 days without having anything other than juice the whole time. She used the proper methods to break the fast. After adding fruits and veggies, then adding very little meat, cheese, and grains one day, she is back to having severe pain again.

I am unable to juice right now and I am feeling a lot of pain myself. I'm very frustrated. For the sake of feeling better I actually want to juice. I'm not saying I want to go back to not eating at all, but I definitely need to find a balance. Maybe a few days of no food and minimal food on other days will be the formula that ends up working. I just don't know.

I am amazed at the effect eating just a little bit had on my friend. That just amazes me. I am definitely ready to feel better again. There really is SUCH a drastic difference, it is just a trip!

Anyway, I wanted to share that. I have to document all of this for me, if nothing else. When I can juice again, if it works like before, I'll be feeling much better in just 2 days. I wish I could eloquently describe how much I hurt normally and how much I don't hurt when I am juicing. For someone who doesn't live with chronic pain, I doubt there is anyway to describe it. For someone who has it...try juicing for a few days and I guarantee you there will be a significant improvement in the way you feel. Then let me know about it!

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. I'd love to hear if anyone that has chronic pain tries juicing for a few days, I know you'll be thrilled with how much better you feel.
Dinah

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hi! Was anyone waiting on the edge of their seat for a new post from me? You don't have to answer that, lol. I have been thinking about various things to write about for 2 days. I've been having a very rough time in my personal life, it actually started before the juice fast but I was able to feel somewhat in control over something in my life and it was the juicing. I had the attitude that I would control THAT if nothing else. When the juicing was making me more insane than normal..it was making me downright psychotic, I decided that it was best for myself and my loved ones if I ate food. It got out of control from there. I know how to eat healthy, I know what portion control is. I get all of that. I'm not eating everything in sight but I've had my moments.

What have I noticed in the past two days? A lot more pain again. My back pain,it never completely went away, but it is worse again. My sciatic pain is back too. My neuropain was there all along, but the intensity had gone down. It's back to where it was. I am back to being tired most of the time and wired in the middle of the night.

I have been amazed at myself and my complete lack of control. I wish I could talk about the things spiraling out of control in my personal life, but I decided early on that I would be focusing on the health and wellness part of it all. My feelings regarding my health, weight loss, etc. There are places for that, this just isn't one of them.

I am not giving up. I can't. I know that I will die if I do. I don't want to die. I've had a lot of things I really want to do that I've thought about lately. The fact that I eat things I shouldn't and eat too much is a complete contradiction of what I want for myself. I know I have SOO many demons to conquer. Obviously if a person gets this fat and unhealthy, there are reasons they ever allowed it in the first place. Compulsive eating is an actual eating disorder, an actual addiction. It isn't one that gets any sympathy though. In my studies, and life experiences, if a person has any other addiction or any other eating disorder, they are considered sick and in need of help. It doesn't work that way for someone who eats too much. I'm not wanting sympathy by writing that, I'm just writing what I've seen through the years. Even in my Psychology texts there is very little attention given to it.

All of that being said, I AM going to get this right. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate (I don't mean the food, I mean stuff I am dealing with). I loved how I felt when I wasn't in as much pain and was dropping at the rate of 3 lbs a day. I want to feel good again. Three weeks ago today this all started. I can't believe how much has happened in only 3 weeks! It's hard to believe. I know that a lot can happen in the next 3 weeks. I'd like to put in a request that it be GOOD stuff, not bad! :)
I'm still here.
I WILL get this right.
I hope nobody gives up on me, I have hit a bump in the road, I need to find a way to get up and keep going.
Dinah

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I just returned from a trip to the grocery store. I had an enlightening experience while I was there. I am still pondering the whole thing. After several minutes of comparing the prices of quality multiple cat scoop able cat litters, I decided that the best deal for me was a very large container of Tidy cat. Both my daughter and I struggled with it as we tried to heave it into the cart. A thought hit me and I asked her to tell me what the weight of it was. She said "35 pounds".

Wow. So, on about day 12 of the all juice fast when I was down 34 pounds but didn't make it official...THAT'S how much weight I was down? Holy crap! I really cannot get over that. I understand even more now how I was feeling so much better when I was on the all juice fast. (Physically, NOT mentally..Oh God no..not mentally) There was one time I practically catapulted myself out of my chair because I was just not used to the weight being gone. I went to weigh myself today and the new battery had been removed for another item in the house, so, I got more 9 volts at the store today. I will try to wait to weigh myself until my "official" day, Tuesday. I know I'm not 34 off anymore, because I was a fool and stopped doing what I should be doing. But, I won't beat myself up over it. I am seriously hoping I am close to it though. I worked SOOO hard and went through so much. Yes, it was only 2 weeks, but it was a VERY difficult 2 weeks. Sigh.

I wish we didn't need to use the cat litter. If I could keep it like it is, every time I want to make a bad decision for my health I can go over and lift up the cat litter. If I still want to make that decision, I can carry the bucket around with me. To think that I still have a lot more of those cat litters that I'm carrying around! At my highest weight ever, compared to my weight in high school (which was not "skinny") I was carrying 9 of those suckers around on me! Wow. To think I struggle with trying to lift just one!

I've always said that a normal person could never pick up the extra weight I carry and just start walking around with it. I don't know why the concept of carrying around the litter is tripping me out so much!

I just had to blog about this. By the way, I added pictures and a few other things, even at the very bottom of the blog. Not everything is fitting just the way I want it to. I also would like to add more things. The blogger software is easy to use, but I can't seem to make things fit like I want them to. Does anyone have suggestions?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

As I sit here thinking about how I feel right now after eating food I shouldn't have eaten, I think it's a good time to remind myself of some of the many ways that my obesity affects those who care about me.

I have done whatever I could to avoid having my children's classmates see me. Through the years I have missed out on field trips and other things I would have done otherwise, all for the sake of my children not getting made fun of. In fact, I believe the only field trip I ever went on was when my oldest was a sophomore in high school and said "mom, I WANT YOU to go". I had a blast at Disney with her that year. She would have loved for me to go to Disney with her her Junior and Senior years as well, but that was when I began having all kinds of back issues, etc.

Everywhere we go, my size has to be taken into consideration. There are some places I cannot go. Several years ago I went to Olive Garden and finally stuffed myself into an uncomfortable seat, there was nowhere (at that time) that I could really sit. Perhaps they have different seating now, but I haven't been back to see. There have been doctors offices and other places of business that only have seats with handles. I have to stand or have them get a special chair. I have a wonderful doctor and nurse team now. Ever since my 2nd visit there, the nurse always has a seat without handles in the room waiting for me. Even when out with friends it is a problem.

My husband in particular is very good at noticing whether or not I'll be ok somewhere. He went to his surgeon's office for a first time visit before he had surgery. He said he'd go to his appointment immediately after work and that I didn't need to go. Once he knew that they had sturdy chairs without arms, he told me it would have been ok for me to go with him, and that I could go with him to his follow up appointment. I asked if he didn't have me go initially because he didn't want me to have any issues, he said "yes". My hubby has had to reinforce furniture many times. He's gone out of his way to make sure things are safe and secure for me and that I am comfortable. Yes, he's an amazing man, isn't he?

My children, especially my oldest, are all aware of my needs and are also always making sure I'll be able to fit, etc when we go places. There have been times they've had to help me up. I let my husband and daughters help me up (to an extent), I don't let too many people help me up though. (If I'm laying on a table in a doctor's office, the one time I laid down to get my eyebrows waxed, etc)

Through the years I've not taken my kids to the beach which is just a couple of miles away because I didn't want to be made fun of in front of them. My kids have seen me get made fun of enough just in doing normal activities. That's a terrible thing for a child to have to deal with. There was actually one time that a person's comment upset me, but it also gave me a different perspective. I had my children at a place with arcade games, etc., As we walked by a table my children and one of their friends were walking behind me. When we got in the car my daughter's friend told her that the lady had said "That is so unhealthy" about me. When I heard that I thought, "huh, that lady was concerned about my health, she wasn't making fun of me, she wasn't calling me names, she was just thinking about how it affects my health".

When we went to Disney a few years ago I was scared to death I wouldn't fit on the few rides I tried to go on. A friend of mine is a Disney expert and is also a large woman (though she's recently lost over 100 pounds from gastric) :) Anyway, she had told me in advance what rides I should be able to fit on. I was able to fit on the two rides I went on, but getting out of one of them was difficult. I did it though, with not too much embarrassment. However, when we were in line for the Haunted Mansion ride we noticed that the only way to get into it from where we were in line was to go through one of those turn thingies? The kind with the metal bar that flips around? I KNEW we were going to have to deal with it and I KNEW I did not fit. Thank God I'm tall. I forced myself through it quickly, and only made it because I could have most of my body above the bars. I was SO glad to get past that. I've since learned that there is a handicapped entrance to that.

The list of how it affects my family is a very long one. My health scares them. My kids are smart, they read. They look things up on the internet. They know what diabetes and sleep apnea are. My son broke my c-pap machine a few weeks ago. It was an accident. I had just filled the humidifier tank the night before and he knocked it down. Water got into the machine and broke it. I couldn't meet up with my respiratory therapist until 2 days later. My son was VERY upset. He was so remorseful. I kept telling him that it was ok, it was a mistake. I told him that my c-pap man would get me a new one. Then my son said "But you can stop breathing". I told him it would be ok, I was not going to stop breathing and I would have another one soon.

During the period of time that I could barely walk, my family had to do just about everything. They'd help me get up in the morning to try to walk to the living room, they'd help get my feet up on the foot stool in the mornings. My oldest daughter was getting the groceries and would often cook. They'd help get my socks on or off. I would take care of my own personal hygiene needs, thank God. No matter how much it hurt to move, I was stubborn enough to not put anyone through that.

Reading this list makes me wonder how I can be so stupid? I am really trying to understand this myself. I love my family. How can I ever do stuff that hurts them? It just doesn't make sense. I have often said to my oldest daughter that I wish I had had a fat person talk to me about what it was like to be fat. My mom was obese for all of my childhood. It was never discussed. I wish I had had an actual obese person talk to me about it. I wish they had told me about all of their issues. All I ever had is people talking about fat people, and people telling me that I was going to get fat. I really don't know if it would have stopped me from getting this way or not, but, I'd like to think it would have. I was someone who looked down on obese people, what happened to me?

I have some theories. Maybe I'll get to those too one day. If you are still reading, thank you so much!
Dinah

Hi again! I am very encouraged by all of the positive feedback I have received. Thank you so much to everyone! Most of it is not actually on the blog, but I am definitely getting it!

I am thinking about adding my daily eating and exercise plan in an extra section or something. That way it's there if anyone has suggestions, etc. Also, I can see it for myself. I've had several people give me some great ideas, based on things that have worked for them. After an email from a wonderful reader, the father of a sweet friend, I am considering venturing back to the fitness center I have FREE access to on the navy base. It is right on the beach, so there's a great view. My old trainer even lives up the street from me. Um. Maybe for now I'll leave him alone, that man is crazy! By crazy, I mean, he has no mercy. He has tons of energy, is very fit, and loves seeing how hard he can push me. ;)

Hubby built the deck for the pool so I can get into it now, you guessed it, getting into it otherwise was not even an option. The ladder that comes with it is made for a lot less weight than I am. Did you know that fat floats? A lot? My son is particularly impressed with the fact that I float whether I want to or not, but he can't even when he tries. I just may be the first person ever to drown from wrestling with the water because I'm too buoyant. I am pretty talented you know! At least with stuff like hurting myself in creative ways. Perhaps that could be another post someday.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog, I am overwhelmed with the responses I've received via email, phone and messages. Also, the responses I've received on here. I appreciate the love and support from everyone! It is really hard to share this with people who know me, it is much easier to talk to strangers. I feel very vulnerable this way, but, having all of the support has made it easier.

Today and yesterday have been difficult days for many reasons. Things have been extremely stressful lately, there was a really bad hit yesterday that has my emotions all over the board. I took a dive on my healthy eating and I WILL go right back to healthy eating again. It just wasn't as much "fun" as it used to be either. It's sad how important food is to me. I can definitely feel that I've abused my body, and I don't like the feeling. I have got exercise the past couple of days, so, I guess that is good at least.

I find myself wanting to turn to some other means to appease myself when I can't eat. That disturbs me a lot. During the time I was exclusively juicing, I would desperately want something else to abuse myself with. If I could have drank, I would have. I know I have an addictive personality. I always say I wish I could be addicted to exercise or working in the yard or something that would benefit myself and others. But, even if that were so...I'd still have an addiction.

So, I'm almost there on my Psychology degree and I still haven't figured myself out yet. Geesh. Will I ever? I'm a work in progress. I'm looking forward to feeling better tomorrow and getting back on track. The instant gratification of eating just didn't do it for me like it used to. I guess that's good.

I am running on only a few hours of sleep, sleep that was frequently interrupted too. So, I need to get to bed. Thank you so much everyone for all of your support!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Hello! It is late in the day but I said I would post today. The scale was a disappointment this morning. I was only 30 down so I gained. But, my friend who is exclusively juicing and doing great, explained to me that my digestive system was essentially shut down and that now there are things throughout my digestive system, which could explain why I'm only 30 down instead of 34 or more. Isn't that gross? Euww. But, I feel a little better. She always makes me feel better. So, along with many other things in my life, I need to evaluate what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and decide what changes I need to make to make it work. I am going to get this right! I'm going to CONTINUE to lose weight and get healthier and feel better. I've been in pain, still. I guess I haven't mentioned that yet, have I?

I was pretty cocky about my health being so good, in spite of my massive size. I would get annoyed that it was always assumed I had diabetes and other health problems. I could get around very well for the longest time. It was only within the past few years that that changed. So, my first problem was sleep apnea. I am not even sure how long I've had that now. It has been probably about 8 or 9 years I would guess? I knew it was attributed to my weight, I also knew that my parents both snore. So, "that could be hereditary too". I'll fast forward to about 2 years ago, maybe 3. I started having back pain and some knee pain. My feet started hurting REALLY bad. A friend suggested that perhaps I had diabetes. I finally went to the doctor and the doctor I saw that day so lovingly (NOT) informed me that I was now the proud "owner" of a disease. I had diabetes. I wasn't too happy about that. My mom was diabetic so as soon as I could call her without crying, I did. Oh, and, I cried. About 7 months after I was diagnosed with diabetes, my back decided it was done being nice to me. It really took a cold hearted approach to it too. I was in excruciating pain for months. I could barely move. I was (and still am) too big to get a proper MRI. The x-rays showed either a degenerative disk or something of that sort. Oh, and FYI..if an MRI machine says "up to 500 lbs" and you call and talk to the staff and make sure it will be BIG ENOUGH to accommodate your size, be prepared for it to only be WIDE ENOUGH for a 90 lb person. I could write a book on the humiliating experiences I've had. Sadly, they began even before I hit 200 lbs, though those were only the teasing and taunting I got from people who were complete jerks. That being said, I must be an idiot for getting so big. One would think. I digress. So, back to my medical issues. I discovered by accident that if I slept in a recliner, my back was better and I could function the next day! It was like a miracle. I slept in a recliner for a year and 8 months until the past week when I've been able to sleep in my bed more. I am able to function in the morning, even though it does hurt. It's not like before. I'm sure the 30 pounds has done this! I haven't slept in my bed every night, but I have slept in it a few times and sleeping in my bed has been extremely rare for almost 2 years. Now, my left knee has been hurting quite a bit, it started hurting a few days before the juice fast. Oddly enough, my right knee was always the problem child before. I would be feeling pretty good if it weren't for the knee (and the neuropain in my feet). I am hoping that the knee just gets better, as my aches and pains often do. My pain through the past couple of years has been severe. I've had issues even being able to fall asleep most of the time. I was on a bunch of medications for pain management, I have gone off most of them because they were just making me numb and tired, they weren't actually making the pain go away, they were just eventually making me tired enough to fall asleep in spite of it. Not only did I have the back pain, I had a lot of sciatic pain that would shoot everywhere. I also had the neuropain, which I still have. This past year I have learned that moving more, in spite of the pain, makes things better.

I'm really trying to not be long winded, and apologize because I have failed miserably! I am just trying to set the stage. So, I pretty much missed out on truly enjoying my 20s and 30s. A week to the day before my 39th birthday, my mom passed away. That was a very hard blow to me. My mom often had prophetic dreams and a few months prior to her passing, she had a dream that she came to see me and I was thin. The pain of losing my mom seemed unbearable at times. Even now it does at times. It has been very hard the past few weeks, not having her here. I try not to think about her because it hurts, but she's always in my thoughts. The reason I mention all of this is this...how can a sane, intelligent person do this to the people they love? Why does it take so much to make me do what I need to do for my health? I'll mention in another post what kind of affect this has on my loved ones. How can I NOT do something for my health? My family loves me, I don't want them to have to go through what I went through when I lost my mom. Ok, this is wayy too deep! I did not mean to be a downer. I feel so self-centered blogging about me me me me. This is a blog about me though, and my process. If I can help ONE person, it would be amazing! If I could help a lot of people, which is what I want to do with my experience, it just might make it worth it. I can't speak for my family, but I can speak for me. If I can keep other people from losing their health and/or lives, if I can be someone who can inspire them, it just might be worth it.

Thank you to anyone who is reading my blog, I appreciate it! I promise to not always be a downer, I just want to be open and honest, no matter how uncomfortable that may be for me.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Ok, since this is post number 2. I guess I'll talk about what I have recently done. I saw an AWESOME and INSPIRING video called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" by Joe Cross about a month ago. In the video, Joe has a chronic condition and wants to make a change. He does a juice only fast for 60 days. He gets very healthy and loses a lot of weight. During his travels he also inspires a man named Phil to make a major change. In case you want to see it yourself, which I hope you do...I won't tell anymore! Only that it was very inspiring.

A few days after I saw the video, I saw that a friend of mine was posting about juicing on facebook. After about a week of watching her post about it, I asked if she'd seen the video. She had, and she was so inspired that she began juicing because of it. My friend has now been doing juicing only for almost 30 days!!! She's been quite the inspiration!

During the last week of July I made a doctor's appointment. I wanted to talk to him about the juice fast and wanted to get a complete blood work up prior to starting, as well as his approval. I got in to see him on August 2nd. I'm pretty sure my doctor thought I was doing heavy drugs or something, I don't think he believed for a minute that I was actually going to lose weight. He told me that he wants to put me on insulin, I said "well, that's all the more to keep me motivated". He told me to watch my sugar, I have the scarred fingers to prove that I've done just that. I'll discuss that, and other medical issues, later. So. A week after that, on August 9th, I had to bring my son in. I stepped on the scale and made my doctor's assistant look. She gasped. In exactly one week, I was down 27 lbs. I wasn't even buck nekked!

Now, there is a downside to this. I was losing my mind. Psychologically, I was just not handling the NO FOOD AT ALL deal. When Joe and Phil did their fast, they didn't have to cook for others several times a day. They were able to pretty much isolate themselves if they so chose. I had to cook for my family still. Cooking is something I LOVE doing. I couldn't even taste it to see if I had added enough seasonings. (According to hubby, I didn't a few times!) Over the course of 11 days I was going through my own personal hell because not only could I not eat anything I was smelling, touching, and preparing. I also had other stress going on. A lot of it. A larger amount than usual. Guess how I'd learned to cope over the years? You guessed it! So, as I had decided I would do, I chose in advance before I started eating some foods again. I never committed to a time period, though I really wanted to do the 60 days. I'm still primarily juicing. I also haven't eaten everything I've fixed, or been exposed to. Not even close. In fact, I was barely tempted by the dozen doughnuts that sat on my table for 2 days. That includes the ones with custard inside and chocolate on top. Normally I would have eaten. Well, let's just say, a lot of them. So, I am still juicing and basically eating once. I'm so glad I had that unused juicer sitting in my garage! My mom got it for me, and she passed away 14 months ago. I think of her when I use it, and know how happy she would be! Anyway, I could ramble on for ever. It can get ugly when I get to typing (or talking). I weigh in tomorrow. I'm excited. I was losing at the rate of about 3 lbs per day when I was exclusively juicing (over the course of 11 days). I forced myself to not weigh in until tomorrow. I know I won't still be losing at that rate since I am not exclusively juicing. I was down 34 lbs the last time I weighed myself, which I believe was Friday. So, tomorrow is the 2 week mark. I'll post then. No matter how good, bad or ugly it is.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Hello! My name is Dinah and I have decided to blog about my weight loss journey. It has been ugly so far, and it will be a long one. So, if you'd like to "join" me, have a seat and hold on tight!

I am discovering a lot of things on my journey. I still haven't completely figured out how I went from a normal size to super morbidly obese and I was "ok" with it. I remember stepping on the scale when I was 19 and being mortified that it hit 200 pounds. What a heifer I was! Oh the humanity! At 5'11", that wasn't a horrible size. Most people told me I didn't look like I weighed that much. If only I had listened to them!

I got pregnant with my oldest child shortly after that, in fact, I lost weight and went down to 190 right before I got pregnant with her. At some point during her 1st and second year of life I gained a lot of weight quickly. My husband returned from a few months at sea and didn't recognize me on the pier because I'd gained so much weight. (he didn't tell me that at the time, probably a wise choice) I would say I probably hit 300 pounds during that time. If not, I was pretty darn close.

So, I'll fast forward to when my oldest was 4. I became pregnant with child number 2. I was 311 when I got pregnant and had just started working out on the awesome fitness equipment at my job with a friend. I lost some weight, and, got pregnant. I don't know if I dipped below 300 before I found out I was pregnant or not, but I know I was 311 when I started out.

When child number 2 was 3 years old, I lost 30 lbs in 29 days. I went from 358 to 328. Then I got pregnant. (Does losing weight make me more fertile???) So, I managed to get back down to 328 after my son was born. But, it didn't last.

At some point over the next few years I passed the 400 pound mark. Then, I kept on going until I was 486. At 486 I was officially 300 pounds more than I had been in high school. I don't think I ever got higher than that, but I never got much lower. My youngest child is now 11 and I've gone up and down between the 460s and the 470s for several years.

So, here I am now. I will post more stories about now, and more stories about before. There is a lot more to tell about my physical state, and the limitations I have at the higher weights.