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Friday, November 28, 2003

"For many, negative thinking is a habit, which over time, becomes an addiction...A lot of people suffer from this disease because negative thinking is addictive to each of the Big Three--the mind, the body, and the emotions. If one doesn't get you, the others are waiting in the wings."- Peter McWilliams

"For everything you have missed you have gained something else."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A different approachA woman was at her wit's end with her husband's drinking. When he came home late and drunk as usual one night, she decided to try something she read in a magazine. Instead of yelling and demanding to know where he had been, she smiled and asked him how his day was. Instead of throwing things in his general direction, she poured him his favorite drink and told him to relax. When she could see he was nodding off, instead of telling him he could sleep on the couch, she started giving him a nice massage. The woman found herself starting to have hope that this new approach might change her alcoholic husband. Just then, before the drunk passed out she heard him mutter, almost incoherently, "We probably shouldn't but lets just do it. Either way, my wife will be mad at me."

Thursday, November 27, 2003

"...It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged, as with one heart and one voice, by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father Who dwelleth in the heavens.
--Abraham Lincoln: Thanksgiving Proclamation (1863)

"When insects take over the world we hope they will remember, with gratitude, how we took them along on all our picnics."
- Bill Vaughan

Drunk's vow of silenceA drunk wanted to stop drinking so he thought joining a monastery would help. He chose one where all the brothers took a vow of silence: they could only speak once a year, and even then, only to the head monk. After a year went by the dry drunk was called into the office. The head monk asked, "It's been a year, is there anything you would like to say?" The dry monk said, "My bed's too hard." Another year went by and this time when he had the chance to speak the monk said, "The food's always cold." The head monk glared back at him and replied: "You know, ever since you got here, all you do is complain."

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

"There are things that are known, and things that are unknown. In between there are doors."
- William Blake

"He was an alcoholic. Jim Morrison met the definition of drinking to excess every day. He got drunk on one drink and he just kept on drinking...Jim was not a hard-drug guy. His drug of choice was alcohol."
- Frank Lisciandro

EnlistedA drunk came to after a long bender and found that he had enlisted in the army. At the mess hall, he took one look at the slop on his tray and asked the private next to him, "This looks just awful, don't we get a choice?" The private replied: "Sure you do--take it or leave it."

Patience, booze and bootsA drunk was leaving a party and kept falling over as he tried putting on his winter boots. After witnessing the fiasco, the host's wife came over and started helping him. After much struggling she managed to get the boots on the drunk, when he said, "You know, these aren't my boots." Shaking her head, she reversed the process to get the boots off of him, when he protested, "Why did you take them off? They're my brother's boots and he said I could wear them." Using all the patience she could muster, she put the boots back on the drunk, when he complained: "Hey, what are you doing? I need my mittens and they're stuffed in the toes of the boots."

Monday, November 24, 2003

"A man who examines the saddle and bridle and not the animal itself when he is out to buy a horse is a fool. Similarly, only an absolute fool values a man according to his clothes or his position, which after all is only something we wear like clothing."
- Seneca

Drunk's neighborA drunk was in court waiting his turn to face the judge for driving under the influence. Much to his surprise, his neighbor was there being questioned by the judge in a different case. The judge said, "It says here you were arguing with your wife and you threatened her with a hammer. Is this true?" When the neighbor admitted the accusation, the drunk leaped up and shouted, "You liar!" The judge pounded his gavel and asked the drunk what he was shouting about. The drunk replied: "I'm sorry your honor, but that man has been my neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

HumpA drunk had a huge disfiguring hump on his back. Since it didn't interfere with his drinking, he never did anything about it. Finally, his buddies talked him into going to see a doctor. But at first, the drunk refused to remove his shirt. He told the doctor he seldom went shirtless because he was too embarrassed. It took much coaxing and reassuring, but the drunk finally took his shirt off. As he was examining his back, the doctor asked, "When did you start drinking so heavily?" The drunk told him, "In my college days." The doctor inquired further, "And you carried a lot of books around?" The man confirmed it, "Sure, just like all the other kids did." The doctor replied: "That's what I thought. Did you ever wonder where you left your backpack?"

Drunk takes a fallA drunk got a new job working at a construction site. On his first day, hungover from the night before, he fell two stories and landed flat on his back. As he was shaking it off, seemingly without much injury, the foreman rushed over, "Goodness gracious man, are you alright? Quick, someone get this man a drink of water." The drunk replied: "Is that all? How far does a guy need to fall to get a beer?"

Chicken crossed the roadA chicken crossed the road, went into a bar, and started drinking heavily. The bartender became concerned and asked, "Hey, are you alright?" The chicken replied: "Thanks for your concern. You're the first person who didn't ask me why I crossed the road."

His day in courtA drunk was on trial for selling moonshine. On his day in court he showed up red-eyed and unshaven, looking like he had been on a bender for a week. During the closing arguments his lawyer faced the jury and pointed to the scraggly drunk: "Let's be serious people. Do you really believe that if my client had any whisky, that he would sell it?"

Monday, November 17, 2003

Sneaking inThe town drunk tried sneaking into a football game. A gatekeeper stopped him and asked to see his ticket. But the drunk didn't give up, "You don't understand. I'm with three good friends and they have my ticket." The gatekeeper replied with a laugh, "Aw c'mon, who ever heard of a drunk with three good friends?"

Captions on Bar Signs1. "Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of our customers as they leave."
2. "Notice - Public Bar. Our public bar is presently not open because it is closed. The Manager."
(Post from Billy S)

Lie detectorTwo drunks were both reading the daily newspaper at their usual bar. One drunk asked the other, "Did you read this story about a new lie detector the cops have? It says here it can detect lies 100% of the time." The other drunk replied: "What do you mean, have I read about it? I married one."

Bar tabA drunk sat down on his usual barstool and ordered his usual drink. The bartender was about to start pouring when he noticed the drunk's tab was grossly in arrears, "Sorry, no more for you until you pay this tab you've been running." The drunk complained: "You've got to be kidding, no one could wait that long."

Hard-of-hearingThree older drunks, all hard-of-hearing, are staggering down the street. The first drunk says, "It sure is windy." The second drunk replies, "No, it's Thursday." The third drunk adds: "Me too, let's go for a drink."

What's Up, DocA drunk's wife talks him into going to see a doctor about his drinking. After being poked, prodded and answering too many questions, the drunk says, "So tell me what's up, Doc." The doctor replies: "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is, your boozing has made you a very sick man. The good news is you don't have to worry, because you'll probably go get drunk and forget about it."

Friday, November 07, 2003

SignalsA man was the designated driver for a group of his drunk friends. He pulled over to drop the last one off at home when he asked him, "Listen, I think my signal lights might not be working, so can you just watch them for a minute while I do a test?" The drunk agreed then got out and staggered to the back of the car. As the driver was flashing the signal lights left and then right, he could hear the drunk shouting: "They work, they don't work, they work, they don't work..."

GossipThe local gossip told everyone that the town drunk was getting worse, "I saw his truck parked outside the tavern all afternoon. Imagine that!" When the drunk caught wind of the story, he decided to get even. So after dark, he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

He wants to measure upA construction worker is drunk at work, again. A co-worker sees him holding a long two-by-four straight up with one hand, while unsuccessfully trying to measure it. The man can't watch the fiasco any more. He takes the measuring tape out of the drunk's hand, lays the two-by-four down on the ground, and then measures it. He turns to the drunk and says, "See, that wasn't so hard." The drunk isn't impressed: "That doesn't help at all. I don't need to know how long it is, I need to know how tall it is."

How old are you?A drunk is reading a magazine when he turns to his drinking buddy and says, "It says here that heavy drinking can cut the length of your life in half. How old are you?" His buddy tells him he's 30 years old. The first drunk responds: "Well, keep up the good work. If you didn't drink you'd be 60 by now."