Lost Scripture States Jesus More of a Pepsi Guy

New reports have surfaced revealing that Jesus, the religious figure said to have died for mankind’s sins, preferred Pepsi rather than Coke.

Earlier this week, a group of archaeologists uncovered ancient scrolls in a cave near the Mediterranean Sea in which Jesus is recorded raving about Pepsi’s superior taste as well as Coca-Cola’s inability to market themselves to a younger demographic.

“He goes on almost endlessly about it,” the lead archaeologist of the search stated on his blog earlier this week. “For almost 200 verses he just doesn’t stop talking about all the intricate subtleties in Pepsi’s taste.”

The news comes as a shock to the religious community, dividing entire churches and denominations between biblical literalists and those who see religious texts as metaphorical.
“Jesus makes it pretty clear what is and what isn’t glorifying to God,” said the leader of the newly formed Pepsi Church of Jesus Christ, “and I firmly believe the consumption of Coca-Cola is a detestable sin.”

While many are saddened to hear their beverage of choice may lead to eternal damnation, others retain a more optimistic outlook on the situation.

“I’m pretty sure Our Lord would sympathize with Coca-Cola consumers if he were alive today.” said a nondenominational pastor based in San Francisco. “And besides, he who has never drank a Coke may cast the first stone.”

Despite the controversy these lost texts have caused, PepsiCo has begun sponsoring churches all across the world. Their new slogan is a simple rendering of the company’s newfound values: