Should I Leave My So-So Marriage?

I was resigned to my mediocre marriage until I met a divorced man with whom I’m having so much fun.

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I have an okay marriage. It’s not terrible and it’s not wonderful either. We don’t really fight but we don’t really connect. I had basically accepted this situation as my lot in life – until recently. I started attending a small discussion group on topics related to Israel and the Jewish people. In that group I met a divorced man and we really clicked. We could talk about anything. It’s so easy and it’s so much fun. Now I’m thinking that I could have more than what I’ve accepted and I’m trying to decide what to do. I forgot to mention that I have 3 children, ages 4, 8 and 10, so they are also a consideration in my decision. Should I spend the rest of my life holding my so-so marriage together, particularly for the sake of the children, or should I see where this new relationship will take me?

Re-Imagining My Future

Dear Great Imagination,

Let’s forget about our imaginations which are great distorters of reality – for good and for bad – and let’s focus on reality. I’m going to begin with the new man, about whom I know few details other than that he’s a good conversationalist. I don’t know if he’s kind or loyal or thoughtful or reliable. But it really doesn’t matter whether he is or not because that isn’t the point. Not only is he exciting because he is new – and the early days of any relationship are always heady – but also because the situation you are in with him has a very tenuous relationship with reality.

You aren’t figuring out who’s doing which chores, you aren’t paying the bills and trying to determine what to sacrifice in order to make this month’s mortgage, you aren’t going to parent-teacher conferences and dealing with difficult children or non-academic children or special needs children together, you aren’t even asking him to take out the garbage! In other words, you aren’t dealing with the real world. So you have no tools for evaluating this relationship or comparing him to your husband.

Not that I’m suggesting you should. I’m just trying to highlight the role fantasy is playing here.

Additionally you don’t give me any clues about what’s wrong with your marriage and what efforts you have made to fix it. Have you gone to counseling? Do you work hard at focusing on your husband’s good? Do you make an effort to give to him, to respond to his needs, to be sensitive to his wishes? Have you asked him if he’s happy and if there’s anything you could do to improve the situation? If you haven’t put your all into this relationship, then you don’t even know if it could soar or not. And if you aren’t prepared to put your all into your marriage, then your next one won’t be any more successful than your first.

While there certainly are situations where a marriage is unsustainable, that shouldn’t be triggered by meeting someone else. And you need to feel confident that you’ve really tried your best to create a successful marriage. I don’t wish anyone to be unhappy in their relationship but if you do a little introspecting, you should find that your happiness is internally triggered. You can choose to be happy with your husband and unhappy with your new “friend”. It’s really up to you.

Additionally, you have three young children to consider. You don’t have to stay in a terrible marriage for the sake of the children (It’s not clear whether that would actually be good for them) but you owe it to them (and yourself) to at least first give it your best try. It will not be easy for them if you make a change, and while children are resilient and learn to roll with the punches, you only want to deliver the punch if absolutely necessary.

The bottom line is that this is not a casual decision. It requires a lot of thought and honest introspection. I would hesitate to throw away a marriage and family that I was already in for such an unknown quantity. And I would hesitate to make a commitment to someone who would so easily walk away from a family she spent years building and who hadn’t tried her best to save it. You owe it to your husband, your children and most of all, yourself, to go back home and give it your all. Best of luck.

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Get ready for the high costs of a lawyers and psychologists for your children

I don't think you really understand the ramifications of what a divorce will do to your children. Are you REALLY prepared costs, time and headache for a few years of litigation as you and your ex fight this out in court? Are you ready to be a single Mom? Is this 'new' guy ready to be a Father to 3 step kids who will now need to start seeing a psychologist minimum once a week during and after the divorce (and do you have the money for it?). Where will the two of you live? In your old house? In his new house? Will your kids really except him (no, they will probably still continue loving their Daddy). Those 'conversations' are now going to be about kids therapy, lawyers, litigation etc. Be realistic about what you're 'really' fantasizing about. There are women out there in seriously abusive relationships that would love a so-so marriage. Count your blessings.

(11)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2019 5:22 AM

You have to think: Is my marriage worse than being single? If not, stay married.

(10)
Rachel,
May 16, 2019 11:59 PM

a so-so marriage is not a bad one

Particularly during the years of parenting young children, many marriages have no connection or magic. Speaking only for myself, I trusted that my husband and I would eventually enjoy spending time together without the intrusion of all the daily worries.
As with anything, you get out as much as you put in. We gave our all to our kids who are now wonderful adults. And now we enjoy our time together in our empty nest. 37th anniversary coming up later this year.

(9)
Daniel,
May 16, 2019 10:20 PM

Idea

Hello,
If you are not satisfied with your marriage for a lack of interest then you are a prime candidate for marriage therapy. There are so many techniques to build relationships and start enjoying each other’s company that it would mind baffling to divorce. Divorce is a laaast resort when you have tried everything possible to resolve an untenable situation. Please please find a very competent Jewish orthodox (who appreciates the significance of marriage) therapist and go for marriage counseling.
All success to you.

(8)
Bracha Goetz,
May 16, 2019 6:29 PM

Here's an experiment to try:

Give your husband your full attention when he is communicating anything to you - without multi-tasking - just like you probably did when you were on a first date with him - and see what happens! :)

(7)
Irwin Levy,
May 16, 2019 6:06 PM

common amongst any couple -

We all have arguments with our spouses - its only a temporary short journey to reconcile your differences. Once you have reconciled you will have a stronger working companionship with each other - it just means that you have both made a compromise with each other!

(6)
Sarah Goldstein,
May 16, 2019 4:38 PM

His previous marriage

Well put! AND, why is he divorced? What went wrong there? Why is he so easily conversing with a married lady? What is truely on his mind? I would say, be careful.

(5)
Reens,
May 15, 2019 3:00 AM

You reap what you sew. This mindset is disturbing me.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2019 10:03 PM

Absolutely, give it your all. And. All. Again, and again.But, always a but it doesn’t ALWAYS work. And every day itDoesn’t get better.And one day you wake up and say: why is today different than any Other day. Only I am MUCH Older, and more tired-any it is the sameUnhappiness

(3)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2019 8:56 PM

Take it from a victim of infidelity

Although you may not realize it, you are on the verge of betraying your spouse. The devastation that resulted from my then-wife's infidelity is immeasurable. Even though I have re-married a wonderful woman, my children and I will never fully recover. Limerence and emotional infidelity are very dangerous. I strongly recommend that you read the works of Michele Weiner-Davis - "Divorce Busting" and "Divorce Remedy" - immediately, and all the articles by M. Gary Neuman on the Aish Website.

(2)
Yael,
May 7, 2019 6:35 PM

For sure!

Throw your loyal husband and three precious children under a bus so you can put your life into the hands of a darling guy who flirts (I mean has brilliant, meaningful discussions) with another guy's wife. What an excellent idea! May the Jewish people have more strong, wise and wonderful women like you!

(1)
Bunny Shuch,
May 7, 2019 5:05 AM

Find mutually enjoyable things of common interest to do with your husband

Hi,I'd like to add to Emuna's excellent advice the suggestion that you and your husband find fun ways to strengthen your bond. Get a babysitter at least once a week, find an activity that both of you enjoy and do it together. Talk to your husband about wanting to engender a closer relationship and ask him for ideas about this. Take some time every evening to talk with each other about your days and think of anecdotes to share. Also, do fun things with the kids as a family that you and your husband both agree will be enjoyable. Rekindle the spark of what brought you together in the first place. As Emuna says, give it your all!