Saturday, July 17, 2010

Once again, I haven't been back here in a couple of months! Life isn't getting less busy.

I've been thinking a lot about blogging, but am realizing that it requires a lot of commitment. Time that I'm not sure I have right now. And really, if I'm going to spend whatever spare time I have (after work and looking after two kids) blogging, I should really be using it for exercising.

My problem is, I'm not disciplined! I sit down to read blogs, and the next thing I know I've spent an hour on facebook and twitter too. I am spending waaaaay too much time in front of this computer. It's addictive, without question.

I enjoy writing here. I enjoy reading. But I think I need to take an "official" break from it. If I do come back (which may be sooner than I think), I will probably start up a new blog altogether. I will post the link here.

Sigh. I've had this blog for almost five years now, which is amazing. In that time, I finished grad school, and had two kids. My weight hasn't changed much - in fact, I'm probably up by a 'net' 30 lbs! But when I think about where life has taken me, I wouldn't change it for the world. The weight, I can lose. I wouldn't want anything else to go away.

But now it's time for the next chapter. And maybe that's a new space to write about different things. Maybe it's a new weight loss journey. But I feel the need to start over.

If any of you are still reading this, I want to say, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is really down to all of the encouragement that I got on here that I was able to pick myself up one some days. You've all inspired me so much. Ironically, I can't put it in words.

So here's goodbye for now. I'm fairly certain I'll start up again. But it'll be a reincarnated version of me. Hopefully very soon.

Keep strong and carry on! I hope all of you reach your goals. There's no better feeling than crossing a finish line. I hope when you get to yours, it's for good.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Got home from work at 10pm last night.Went to bed at 11pm.Husband started hacking at 12:30am. Couldn't sleep.Baby woke up at 1:30am. Managed to shush him back to sleep by 2am.Wide awake until 2:30am.Alarm blares at 5:55am. I want to cry.Drag myself out of bed at 6:05am. Did I emphasize the word, drag?Got dressed and semi-fed by 6:22am. Still dragging.At spinning class for 6:30am.Pushed myself as hard as I could from 6:30 - 7:30. Wasn't digging the Led Zeppelin or ACDC during the class, but tried to slog through it.Home at 7:40am. Feeling amazing. Exhausted, but accomplished.

Monday, May 31, 2010

First of all, thank you so much for all of your support after my last post. You really lifted my spirits and made me feel like I can do this. It's hard to put yourself out there like that, you know? But I couldn't do it without all of the support I get here. Thank you again.:-)

Secondly, as of this morning, I completed my eleventh run! I am on Week 4 of my running program. I actually ran for five minutes straight this morning. It was painful, and I hated every second. But the love is in the high that I get when I'm cooling down and walking home. I feel so accomplished.

I've also been making really good decisions in my eating. I've cut out all the snacking and grazing when I come home from work, and I attack the fruit drawer instead. I've told myself that there are no limits on fruits and veggies!

As for exercise: it's working for me this time, because I am up at the crack of dawn. There are no excuses about being tired from the day, or having to work late. And the streets are so serene and peaceful. I will admit, it's hard to come home, shower, get two kids ready for daycare, get everyone fed (plus myself all dressed up for work), and then get out the door in one piece. It's exhausting just writing about it. But I'm doing this for me.

Oddly enough, I don't have an urge to jump on the scale to see if my changes are working. I mean, I know it's important. But I feel so good right now. Isn't that enough?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I went into a state of shock when I mounted myself on the scale this morning. I mean, it was early in the morning - but I blinked, like, ten times. I got off the scale and got back on again. Three times. I even tried shifting the weight of my body onto one foot a bit to sway the number. Nothing changed.

I am officially at my HIGHEST weighest ever. Outside of being pregnant of course, but I'm just a smidgeon away from being that weight too.

I am numb. You know that feeling when someone slaps you across the face, and there's a residual stinging? (Okay, well, it's not like I get smacked across the face regularly - if ever - but you know what I mean). It's a really, really, really weird thing. I am totally and utterly shocked.

I will publish this number, when I'm ready. When I've digested it. But right now, I'm trying to focus my energy as to how to conquer this. Complacency can't have a place in my life anymore.

I have thought in the past that I've hit rock bottom. There have been tears. Endless eating. New challenges. Promises. But the reality is, I simply haven't wanted it badly enough. I'm busy with my job and kids. I am constantly on the go. But I haven't made myself a priority.

After today, the stark reality of this being something that I have to do, versus wanting to do is really setting in. It's starting to move beyond the point of something that is now in my control, and into something that is beyond. The next stage of this will be a diagnosis of illness. I'm not being melodramatic. It's the reality. If people who are in perfect shape find themselves in doctor's offices around the world being told that they have diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, why should someone in my shape expect to have a clean bill of health forever?

My BMI is over the top. For every "risk factor" that's out there for illness, I can check off 90% of the list. It's just a matter of time now, isn't it?

Sadly, it's not like I eat burgers and fries every night. In fact, I can't remember the last time I ate junk food! It's the constant grazing, and poor thought that I'm putting into my meals. It's the lack of activity because I'm so busy putting the kids first. It's not putting me first.

It has to stop. Or this will end very badly. All because I didn't take the time to address this.

I don't know how I'm going to attack this. The mountain feels high. But I am going to climb it.

In the meantime, I start on Week 3 of my running plan tonight. It's the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. I can do this! I know I can.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It's a long weekend for us Canadians! I'm happy to have three days away from work.

My job has gotten out of control: I'm running myself ragged. Yesterday, I went for the entire day without a sip of water. I just go from meeting to meeting to meeting. I'm starting to remember how I ended up getting sick when I was pregnant with my son. I've tried talking to my boss (told her I am really stretched), but she wasn't overly sympathetic. She just added a bunch of work to me (without extra money!), and expects me to deliver. All I can think about are my beautiful babies, and how much I miss them during the day. I wish I didn't have to work!

Anyway, I'm going to take these three days to take good care of myself. Lots of exercise, good food, and love. Recipe for happiness, no?

I am 100% positive that on Monday morning, I'm going to feel like a new person. I'm going to put myself first. And then I'm going to make it stick for the rest of the week.

In all honesty, I don't think the mountain has ever looked as high. I spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for myself. I promised myself that "this" was it. I told myself that I'd hit rock bottom again. I lectured myself.

So one day, I decided to stop wallowing. I decided to just start moving. I told myself that I could *wallow* AND move at the same time!

So I started running again. I've been getting up at 5:30am, before anyone else in my house rises. It's my time. No excuses about how I'm tired from my day. Nothing to get in the way, except my alarm. You know what? I saw about five other people on the street running. Me? I was waddling. But at least I wasn't alone!

So, no challenges. No, "I'm going to lose 100lbs by my birthday". No unrealistic goals. I'm just going to run my little heart out. It's all I know how to do right now. I'm hoping the rest will work itself out in the fullness of time.

Me Me Me

I've struggled with being overweight for most of my life. I've lost and gained many times. Two kids later, it's not just about me anymore. I've decided that being healthy is my top priority. Inside, I've always wanted to be a "runner". I've only ever run a 5K race, but it ignited something in me. My dream is to get fit and run as far as my legs will carry me. A marathon even. Someday.