Caroline Wozniacki’s ‘Oxygen’ video: A comprehensive breakdown

The video for Caroline Wozniacki's debut single, "Oxygen," was released on Friday. Words cannot do it justice, but we'll try. Dim the lights, turn up your speakers, hit play and follow along with our comprehensive, second-by-second breakdown of this monumental musical achievement.

0:00 -- A DJ drops the needle on some vinyl. It's the first time Caroline Wozniacki and every other viewer born after 1990 have ever seen such a thing.

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0:07 -- Caro leaves the hotel. In a show of rock star decadence, she's staying at a Courtyard by Marriott. GANGSTA. I'm guessing she trashed the room by tipping over the combination lamp/ethernet port.

0:15 -- There's a dog. The dog goes through a stationary revolving door with no human assistance. The special effects budget on this video must have been in the high teens.

0:20 -- The dog finds a young man dressed like a 45-year-old's interpretation of what a hipster is. Maybe it's one of those skinny jeans sniffing dogs.

0:23 -- "Breathin', breathin'." If there's not a creepy .gif of Caro robotically singing those words within the next 24 hours, then I don't know the Internet.

2:22 -- For a brief second, it looks like Caroline is out to dinner with Conan O'Brien.

2:30 -- Caroline receives a phone call and rudely gets up from her chair before the bill comes. Always an effective move. I'm noting that for later tonight.

2:31 -- She's leaving! What happened? Who was on the phone? It must have been an emergency. Why else would she have had to get up in the middle of dinner without explanation. I'm guessing it was so important that there was no time for explanation. What other reason to leave in the dead of night?

2:46 -- It's daytime. Caroline is curbside at the airport, looking back fondly on the city she's about to leave. If only she had more time to savor it! But, no, she had to quickly rush to the airport 10 hours ago.

2:54 -- There's Not Rory at the airport! That's where they met! And he still has their flirty tennis ball! It was meant to be! Or not; Caroline smiles and drives away. Wait. What? She went to the airport, got out of her car, had her driver unpack her bags and then got back in a car and drove away? What games are you playing, Wozniacki?

3:12 -- The camera pulls away to reveal lights, cameras and crew. This was just a video shoot! It wasn't real! Real Rory McIlroy breathes a sigh of relief, as do we, for the song has mercifully ended.

3:18 -- Actor Not Rory and Actor Caroline hug, thus showing more affection than they did in the entire fictional video.