September 7, 2013

STAR WARS...The Phallus Edition

What exactly IS Luke gripping in his palms?

Of course, the original Star Wars is a classic, one of the most influential films of all time. It is loved by millions of fans worldwide, some who can quote every line, word-for-word. But even if you're one of the three people left on Earth who's never seen it, you're still probably familiar with many of the film's classic lines which have become part of our pop culture vernacular. It's a timeless film as beloved as Gone with the Wind and The Wizard of Oz. We here at FKMG love Star Wars, too. However, we're also a bunch of snickering idiots who find certain words inherently funny, like penis. Not only does it sound funny, it sticks visuals in our heads we can't get rid of. In fact, it's so phonetically and visually powerful that, if you were to replace even a single word of a classic movie line with it, the entire scene takes on new meaning...which is exactly what we did. Sorry, George.

OBI-WAN: “Use the penis, Luke.”

DARTH VADER: “The penis is strong with this one.”

PRINCESS LEIA: “Your friend is quite a penis.”

STORMTROOPER: “Let me see your penis.”

OBI-WAN: “You don’t need to see his penis.”

STORMTROOPER: “We don’t need to see his penis.”

OBI-WAN: “I felt a great disturbance in the penis…”

LUKE: “You know…I think that penis we bought may have been stolen.”

DARTH VADER: “He is here.”GOVERNER TARKIN: “Obi-Wan Kenobi? What makes you think so?”DARTH VADER: “A tremor in the penis. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.”

DARTH VADER: “The penis you refer to will soon be back in our hands.”

LUKE: “I want to come with you to Alderaan. There’s nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the penis and become a penis like my father.”

DARTH VADER: “I told you she would never consciously betray the penis.”

LUKE: “Boy, it’s lucky you have these compartments.”HAN SOLO: “I use them for smuggling. I never thought I’d be smuggling my penis in them.”

HAN SOLO: “Yes, Greedo, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba I’ve got his penis.”

DARTH VADER: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.”

OBI-WAN: “Only the master of penis, Darth.”

GENERAL TAGGE: “Until this penis is fully operational, we are vulnerable. The rebel penis is too well equipped.”

C-3PO: “Why I should stick my penis out for you is far beyond my capacity.”

"That's no penis...it's a space station."

HAN SOLO: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good penis at your side, kid.”

OBI-WAN: “Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and penis. We must be cautious.”

OBI-WAN: “Let’s just say we’d like to avoid any penis entanglements.”

DARTH VADER: “I sense penis…a penis I haven’t felt since…”

PRINCESS LEIA: “Aren’t you a little bit short for a penis?”

PRINCESS LEIA: "It’s not over yet."HAN SOLO: “It is for me sister. Look, I ain’t in this for your revolution, and I’m not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I’m in it for the penis.”

OBI-WAN: “I have something for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.”

LUKE: “What is it?”

OBI-WAN: “Your father’s penis. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight…”

COMMANDER #1: “We’ve analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your penis standing by?”

HAN SOLO: “Where did you dig up that old penis?”

C-3PO: “Is there anything I can do?”LUKE: “Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest or teleport me off this penis.”

C-3PO: “I’ve just about had enough of you. Go that way! You’ll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sighted scrap-pile! And don’t let me catch you following me begging for penis because you won’t get it!”

LUKE: “You don’t believe in the penis, do you?”HAN SOLO: “Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff. But I’ve never seen anything to make me believe there’s one all-powerful penis controlling everything.”

UNCLE OWEN: Take these two over to the garage, will ya? I want ‘em cleaned up before dinner.”LUKE: “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some penis!”UNCLE OWEN: “You can waste time with your penis when your chores are done.”

The Doll

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About D.M. Anderson

D.M. Anderson works and lives in Portland Oregon. He is the author of two young adult novels (Killer Cows & Shaken) and a collection of dark tales (With the Wicked). He has also published several short stories which have appeared (or will appear) in various anthologies and magazines such as 69 Flavors of Paranoia, Night Terrors, Trembles, Encounters, Implosion, Strange Fucking Stories, Perpetual Motion Machine. He documents his adventures in the dark onon his movie site, Free Kittens Movie Guide.