1. Eat her leftovers.

If she ever says, “Hey, honey, where is that leftover pie?” and you’ve foolishly eaten it, you’d be wise to drop everything and run. You may even want to leave the state.

2. Bring back the wrong food when you’ve been sent out for something specific she’s craving.

Flickr: pointnshoot / Via Creative Commons

A Boston cream pie is NOT the same thing as a banana cream pie, and a bag of pretzels is not the same as a bag of sour cream and onion chips, you heathen! So, if you’ve only gone to one store and struck out, you’d be wise to go to another (and another, and another…).

3. Booze it up in front of her.

Comedy Central

Pregnant women can’t drink, but that doesn’t guarantee they’ll mind if you have a drink in front of them (you’ll have to feel things out). However, if you drink like a college kid at a kegger, you’ll likely earn a one-way ticket to the couch.

4. Joke that you’re going to ask the doctor for the “husband stitch.”

oscars.org

The “husband’s stitch” is an extra suture added after a women tears (or has an episiotomy) during childbirth in order to tighten the entrance of the vagina.

There are so many reasons not to make this joke: it’s sexist, it’s talking about something she’s likely worried about, and it will NOT amuse her. It’s also legal in 34 states to kill your partner within thirty minutes of their making this joke*, so tread lightly.

*Kidding, kidding!

5. Complain about her having to pee so much.

Disney / Via justmommies.com

Imagine having a human being sitting on your bladder, then imagine your partner whining about you having to use the john too much. Do you think you’d chuckle good-naturedly and say, “Oh, you old so and so!” Or do you think you’d yell, “#$@&%*! YOU! I’VE GOT A BABY ON MY FREAKING BLADDER!” The latter? Yeah, me too.

6. Stressing her out about how painful/awkward giving birth will be.

New Line Cinema

Warning: the best way for a pregnant woman to relieve stress about giving birth is by tearing into an insensitive partner who won’t shut up about how painful it’ll be (or how she might poop on the table).

Good tip: Every time you feel the urge to say something that might stress her out, instead say, “You are SOOOO beautiful.”

7. Complain about your home being messy.

Paramount

FYI, asking someone who can no longer bend over why they aren’t picking up around the house is a really stupid move.

8. Not care about naming the baby or decorating the baby room.

20th Century Fox

Slams you against the wall and shakes you by the lapels:

“Are you excited about the baby? You are? Then act like it so your partner doesn’t think she’s made a mistake by deciding to have a kid with you!”
Lets you go, smoothes out your shirt.

9. Not going to the appointments.

Showtime

Slams you against the wall again and shakes you by the lapels again:

“Are you excited about the baby? You are? Then act like it so your partner doesn’t think she’s made a mistake by deciding to have a kid with you!”
Lets you go again, smoothes out your shirt again.

10. Put pressure on your partner by commenting on how amazing other women look after pregnancy.

Columbia

When you’re thinking of saying: “Damn! Look at Beyonce! She had a baby and looks AH-MAZING!” Try saying: “Beyonce looks okay, but who wouldn’t with all those personal trainers and chefs?”

11. Stink.

Nickelodeon

Most pregnant women are easily bothered by smells, so for your safety you’d better avoid: A) Playing two hours of basketball and then plopping down onto the couch, B) chowing down on a garlic and onion hoagie, or C) bathing in cologne.

12. Exclusively give her baby/pregnancy-related gifts on her birthday.

Flickr: kylanrobinson / Via Creative Commons

Unless your partner specifically asks for this stuff, she probably won’t want a bunch of presents that say, “You’re a mom now and nothing else!”

13. Comment on her physical change.

Flickr: instantvantage / Via Creative Commons

Important note: In addition to not commenting on her physical changes, you should never agree with her when SHE comments on her changes.

DO THIS:

Your partner: “Ugh! I’m huge!”
You: “No, you’re beautiful.”

NOT THIS:

Your partner: “Ugh! I’m huge!”
You: “You really are. Damn.”

14. Talk about how your mom, sister, or (god help you) ex was an absolute champ during her pregnancy and childbirth.

Flickr: wordcat / Via Creative Commons

Let me explain this to you in the language of meme: “Ain’t nobody got time for too many stories about your mom’s pregnancies.”

15. Be weird about sex.

TBS

She may want to have sex, she may not. Follow her lead and don’t be weird. She’s got enough to worry about as it is.

16. Complain about her mood swings.

Universal

You haven’t seen a real mood swing until you’ve been dumb enough to complain about them.

17. Not let her do stuff.

BET

Don’t get me wrong, doing stuff for your partner — like giving her your seat or carrying heavy things for her — is great and you SHOULD be doing them. But trying to forbid her from doing something she wants to do (like going to a yoga class) just because she’s pregnant? That won’t end well for you — and it won’t end at all until hours later when you finally say, “I’m sorry.”