Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I have just found this quote by Anna Louise Strong and I have to say that I am impressed how well it reflects what I think and feel about love and relationship(s):

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

As one of my resolutions stated, I planned on spending more time at home with my roomies. They both are amazingly nice people who make you laugh and forget about all your problems (if you have any), and with whom you can have a great conversation just about anything, anytime during the day or night. As recently my social life got a bit out of my hands I ended up going out every evening, which meant not spending any time with my roommates. I felt really bad about that, both because I wanted to spend more time with them, but also because I thought that it was not fun for them to have a ghost-roommate that comes back home every day way after midnight. That’s why I was very happy that Kristina organized for us a shopping expedition today (even though I hate shopping, and – as I found out – so does John). After shopping John suggested going for a dinner to the Chinese restaurant called Koi Palace. That was an excellent choice: food there was delicious and surprisingly cheap – for three of us we paid only 60$. We had also a great time together, as always.But the best part of the evening happened at home: Kristina and John informed me that they are a couple! That is great news because they fit very well together and since I moved in with them I tried to figure out what was stopping them from being together. It is one of the most beautiful things in the world to see two people finding their way towards each other and seeing how their love develops. I am so happy to be a part of that.

It is not true that Poland offers no possibilities for young repatriates to establish their independent research groups. It is also not true that Western grants do not create new laboratory space, as claimed by Dr. Szklarczyk.

In 2005 I returned to Poland after twelve years spent abroad, comprising PhD studies and two postdoctoral positions in molecular cell biology. In 2003 I took part in an international competition and was offered a group leader position at the International Institute of Molecular and Cell Biology in Warsaw (IIMCB). Immediately after, I started applying for funds to support my future group. I did receive grants from the international programmes of both the Howard Hughes Medical Institute and the Wellcome Trust which, in contradiction to what Dr. Szklarczyk claims, served me to create a completely new research group. I complemented these funds with grants from the European Union, Max Planck Society and Polish Ministry of Science which allowed me to build a research team of nine and to attract postdoctoral fellows, including Polish repatriates, from abroad.

I took a conscious decision of returning to Poland because I believed that here I will be able to develop my independent research, without compromising on its quality but having sufficient funds and being in a supportive environment. From a two years perspective, I do not regret my decision.

I agree that Polish scientific system is far from being perfect and indeed needs deep reforms, in particular the rejuvenation of its faculty staff. Despite some recent initiatives, e.g. from the Foundation for Polish Science, more needs to be done to facilitate early independence of young scientists and to attract our compatriots from abroad. I am, however, convinced that the best young researchers striving for independence can find attractive options for their future in Poland, if they are ready to openly compete for positions and funds. Those successful will find here conditions known from the Western institutions.

Finally, I strongly believe that expressing such one-sided, negative views as presented by Dr. Szklarczyk creates a distorted image of the real situation in Poland and, more regrettably, discourages Poles abroad to even think about returning. But who will push for changes in Polish science to occur if we all stay abroad?

Masochistic as I am, I agreed to have an appointment with a personal trainer today at 8am (just to make it clear: it was part of a sign-up package at the gym, not that I would schedule such meeting myself). First, I would like to start with complaint that he was not hot. Hello? Isn’t that part of a deal that they should look absolutely gorgeous to motivate us, mortal and weak humans, to work harder in order to achieve such perfect body shapes as they have? And what’s the point anyway of having a personal trainer (or physiotherapist, masseur) if there is nothing interesting to look at? Second, the whole meeting was pretty much useless and the only interesting thing that I learnt today was my body fat content. The magic box said that it is 20.2%. And here the problem starts. Because according to the standardized tables, females have 10-12% essential fat, 14-20% is what athletes have (me! Athlete!), 21-24% means that you are very fit, 25-31% is acceptable and only above 32% it is considered that you have too much body fat (so basically you are overweighed). So theoretically my fat content is pretty much perfect. However, both the scale and the mirror say just the opposite. So whom should I trust? The scale and the mirror against the magic box, I guess that’s 2 to 1 for loosing some weight. But what if the magic box is right? Right now I weigh 65kg and the past experience says that I look the best when I weigh 55-57kg. That means that I should loose 10kg. Now, 20% of 65kg is 13kg. So if I would loose 10kg, I would have only 3kg body fat left (in an optimistic variant, in which I only loose fat, and not brain, for example), which would be equal to 5.5% (3kg/55kg) and that would constitute (again according to the standardized tables) a health hazard. So much for the standardized tables. Never trust scientists ;-)

Ironic, isn't it? I have just put a post on how much I loved my bike and there, less than 24h later, it gets stolen. Is that a life's way of telling me that I should not get attached to the earthly things? In my humble opinion I think that I do not need this lesson. Before I moved here from Europe I had to get rid of all my furniture, CDs, books and vast majority of my clothes. I had no home for almost half a year: from 1st of July to 15th of December 2006 I lived in hostels, hotels or I stayed with friends. In meantime I also traveled for 2 months in Africa taking shower on average only once a week, wearing the same dirty clothes day after day, sleeping under a blue sky, in a tent or occasionally in lousy hotels, owning no more things than I could carry on my back. Did I ever utter a word of complaint?Today I lost the bike that I thought that I loved, but now I feel nothing. No feeling of lost, no regret. I just try to figure out a way of protecting my next bike from a similar fate (as I really can not afford to buy a new bike every 3 months…). I just hope that whoever stole it will at least sell it as it is and will not chop it into pieces. So if I had learnt anything from that experience, it is that I am a truly free person.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

One of my hobbies is finding interesting people on the craigslist and getting to know them. Today for example I went for a coffee with a Czech girl, a Slovak girl and a Filipino guy. It was very relaxed and enjoyable meeting, especially during the first part when I was talking only with the Czech girl, and the Slovak girl was entertaining (or being entertained by) the Filipino guy. We talked about everything and nothing, no difficult subjects were raised, but still what can you expect from the meeting on a lazy Sunday afternoon.After some time we decided to merge our conversations and four of us started talking together. That was still going pretty well until I made a cardinal mistake of asking a wrong question to a wrong person. The Filipino guy traveled around a world (which for him meant Europe) for a year, so I was curious to know what the most memorable adventure that he had had was.Now, ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts. The story you are about to read will shake you to the bone and will change your life: The poor guy got a jaw lock in Florence and had to go to the emergency to have it fixed. That involved taking three taxis and going to two different hospitals and seeing several different doctors, and communicating with them via sign language (as it is difficult to speak with the open jaw). And all that in such barbarian country as Italy! Can you imagine? How exciting. So exciting that it took the Filipino guy 28 minutes to tell the story (now imagine how desperate I had to be to check time) and another 10 minutes to answer a question asked out of politeness by the Slovak girl. I was praying for the earthquake or anything else that could save me from listening to this story and I couldn’t stop wondering what’s the point of traveling around the world if this is the most you can get out of it? I know, I am a hypercritical cold-hearted bitch. But I like myself that way. At least my life IS interesting.

If I am found dead in my bed, it is because I died of the heart attack provoked by hearing and seeing a mouse running through my room. In that case I would be grateful if somebody could make sure that my parents get all my private belongings except for the books and clothes which I wish to give to Ann.

I am in love with my bike. It is beautiful (looks more or less as the one on the picture below), it is fast and it makes going uphill easy. Today we decided to be ambitious and not to wiggle on our way to Golden Gate Park, but instead to take the most direct approach from my place via Twin Peaks. That meant going for around 3km on a street grade of at least 10-18%, but we made it! And I learnt that I am not as much out of shape as I thought.

I also learnt that I am slightly competitive as far as biking is concerned. I almost got myself into the bike race with one guy who just couldn’t handle being overtaken by a girl. He was going much slower than I was, so I overtook him. Then, of course, he speeded up and overtook me, but he did not have enough energy to keep his speed, so I – going with exactly the same speed as before - overtook him again. That really annoyed him and then not only he overtook me, but he also started blocking my way. At that moment I felt a very strong temptation to show him who is faster, but luckily I managed to control myself and I just decided to alter my route.

I am concerned with my shopping habits. I just went through my bills and I realized that I bought lots of things that I did not really need, like: three pairs of shoes, a pair of earrings, an evening dress, two evening blouses, five everyday blouses, one sports T-shirt, one purse and few items of underwear. And all that in only 3 months! It is also probably the first time in my life that I bought more clothes than books (I bought only 13 books and interestingly 6 maps). In my defense I can only say that several people were kind enough to lent me books, so I was not in such great need to buy them.

Still, I decided that from now on I would buy clothes only on sales and from the second-hand shops. Lets see how that will work.

Friday, February 23, 2007

When I will say to myself that’s enoughI know, it will happen soonWhen I will decide to go away from hereThen I know, that I will not even blinkI will leave silently, because that’s the way I want itAnd I know, that I will be alone thenNobody will even look backAnd I know, that it will be quiet thenAnd I will only look into Your eyesThis is the only truth I would like to knowBefore I will burn down, disappearI will finally hear what I want to hear

Was it worth it to get crazy like this – throughout the whole life?Was it worth to put so much effort – as I did?Was it worth to love so much – till it hurt?Can I leave now?

I do not want to regret any momentEven tough I know, that it was not colorfulI do not want to leave any tearsEven though I know, that sometimes it hurtI will smile to my thoughtsI will kiss away all your glow, oh yesSlowly I will close in myself the futureAsking myself time after the time, oh no

Was it worth it to get crazy like this – throughout the whole life?Was it worth to get burnt – as I did?Was it worth to love so much – till it hurt?Can I leave now?

No regrets!

Was it worth it to get crazy like this – throughout the whole life?Was it worth to get burnt – as I did?Was it worth to love so much – till it hurt?Can I leave now?

1. I want to improve my English. It bothers me that I can not express myself properly in this language. Probably I will never be able to use it as well as my mother tongue, but at least I would like to have a better feeling for it than I have now. I want others not only to understand what I am writing, but also enjoy reading it. I have to work on improving my grammar (that should be doable as it only demands understanding the logical rules underlying the language) and vocabulary (that’s tough as I can not really imagine myself memorizing a dictionary), I have to read more in English and write more (or rather try to put more effort into writing).2. I want to learn HTML. I will try to learn it by myself from the internet or a book. That will happen in the evenings during the time that I work on my blog entries.3. I want to spend at least one evening (and preferable two) a week at home. I guess I will have to plan it into my schedule, otherwise it will never happen.4. I want to read at least one book a week (How pathetic! Only one book a week…) That would mean allocating around 1h a day for that, preferably in the evening as then I am most focused.5. I want to learn Spanish. I will try to spend 30 minutes on that on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday mornings while preparing and eating breakfast.6. I want to swim twice a week 1.5km. I will try to do that on Monday and Wednesday mornings after yoga.7. I want to run. Well, actually I do not want to run, but I want to take part in SF marathon, which will take place on July 29th, so taken into account my poor running shape it is the highest time that I start practicing now. I will start slowly with running on Saturday mornings 5-10km. Once I can survive that without hyperventilating I will start running also on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and increase distance to 15-20km.You can expect a progress report on the 31st of March.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

1. Do not start working on your presentation more than 12h in advance2. Do not sleep a night before (that will make sure that your brain will not be fully functional)3. During working on your presentation regularly visit onet to check if maybe Polish government collapsed or if one of our almighty ducks abdicated4. Also do not forget to check blogs of your friends and make sure that you will get involve in the discussion on the subject of God’s existence, and how the second thermodynamics law proves or disproves it (but this is tricky part: you have to make sure that you will not get too involve in this discussion as then you could miss your seminar and the public humiliation)5. If none of your friends wrote anything interesting on their blogs, you might always start reading Horney, Fromm, Hegel, Kierkegaard, Heidegger or Sartre 6. Just before you start working on the seminar get a 2 hour long Thai Yoga massage (http://www.thaiyoga.com/about/about.html), which (a) will put you to sleep (b) will make you feel so relaxed that such petite issues as your first seminar in the new lab will have no meaning to you 7. Drink five strong coffees (especially if you are not used to drinking coffee) to manage to fight the temptation of falling asleep 8. Do not spend any time thinking on your presentation and do not go through your slides even once before (that is really critical for making a good impression on your audience – you will not have to feign being surprised by seeing your next slide)9. Very important: do not attempt to show any data! In the end you are not paid for working, right? Depending how tough you are, you might actually have no data to show, and then, my friend, welcome in the club. 10. During your presentation do not attempt to be focused and do not engage in the discussion with the audience (in the end it is your project and what they can know about it)11. Be honest. When your boss asks how far is your project and what did you do so far, tell him/her truth

I asked the girl with whom I am meeting tonight how I will recognize her. Here is what she wrote back:

"I'm impossible to miss...you'll notice me as I am the most beautiful, sexy, amazing, mesmorizing woman in the place..."..."Just to make it easier, I have shoulder length straight black hair with bang, olive skin, black eyes and eyebrows."

I shine with green moons above the dead darkened day suddenly you know that my lips are red

– with salty taste the blood flows up –

(III)my lover is not that handsome and he has quite a temper but who will paint my sky in the dark afternoon purple if I let him go not to come back my lover has burning lips and a row of sharp teeth when with laughter he replies to the challenge of the world my lover has a mouth which rises as a crescent over each of my nights my lover is not tender his eyes dance in the street's rectangle he lights a flame in girls clutching his shadow I hold my love by the hair in his shadow a frail blade of grass blossoms into an April appletree

(IV)I am dazed by the beauty of my body. today I looked at myself with your eyes. discovered the soft curve of shoulders the tired round breasts which want to sleep and slowly roll down in spite of themselves. my legs unfolding offering infinitely up to the limits absent from what is me and what beyond me throbs in every leaf in every raindrop. I saw myself as if through glass in your eyes looking at me. I felt your hands on the warm tight skin of my thighs and obeying your command I stood naked before a huge mirror and then I covered your eyes not to see and not to feel the loneliness of my body blossoming with you.

3. Pictures: Dali's self-portrait and Malczewski's Polonia

4. A few reasonable words: I tried to say something reasonable during the group meeting that I had today and I spectacularly failed… So I'd better stay silent for some time now.

Maybe until now there was nothing interesting in us.The control monitors are seldom switched on,except when there's a war, and a rather big one at that,several flights over the lump of clay called Earth,or significant movements from point A to point B.

Or perhaps thus:they only have a taste for episodes.Look! a little girl on a big screenis sewing a button to her sleeve.

The monitors begin to shriek,personnel comes running in.Oh, what short of tiny creaturewith a little heart beating on the inside!What graceful dignityin the way she draws the thread!Someone calls out in rapture:Tell the Boss,and let him come see for himself!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I cannot recall how it happened but yesterday’s game evening finished with a discussion on the subject of the anxiety dreams that apparently everybody experiences from time to time. Even though I gave this subject a lot of thought, I did not manage to recall a single example of an anxiety dream that I had. Of course it s possible that I would simply not remember such dreams (especially with an amazing capacity of my brain to forget all the bad memories), but I do not think that it is the case as I wake up every morning in the great mood, feeling very relax and happy. However, I also realized that there is one thing that totally scares me and if I had an anxiety dream it would for sure involve this event. I am freakishly afraid that my father will prematurely die (like in a car accident or from a heart attack), and I am completely not prepared for that. Whenever I read in Polish internet news that there was a car accident somewhere where I know my father could be driving (he drives a lot and rather fast), I obsessively start checking details of this accident trying to figure out if he could be involved or not. It also freaks me out if I can not reach him for few days by email or phone and only black scenarios pass through my mind. I am convinced that worrying about wellbeing of my father is the major stress factor in my life. I cannot imagine loosing him. He provides the stability to my life. And now even more then when I was a little girl I need his unconditional love, advice and support.

I did not realize how much I missed paragliding until two weeks ago when we went with John for a short hike along the coast somewhere in Marina. It was a perfect day: the sun was not too strong, the sky was cloudless and the wind was blowing gently. I went up one of the nearby cliffs and standing on its edge I was submerging myself in the smell and sound of the ocean. I felt free and perfectly unified with nature. I dreamt of having a paraglider with me and being able to jump from the cliff into the sky, into the ocean... Nothing else makes me feel as free as paragliding.

And here for my paragliding friends an unbelievable story of surviving a meeting with a cumulonimbus and a paraglider that "Climbs like a rocket. Survives 20 m/s up and 33 m/s down. Handles well enough to fly by itself when you are unconscious.":

Friday, February 16, 2007

Apparently, the twin paradox got solved. But I am still not fully convinced... I think the best would be to test it on our Duck-twins. Which one do we let stay on Earth and which one do we sent to Proxima Centaury?

Last weekend I was in San Diego visiting my dear friend Bartek. Sunday afternoon we spent in San Diego Museum of Contemporary Art (http://www.mcasd.org) marveling at what nowadays deserves to be called art. But as the Persian proverb says “he who wants a rose must respect the thorn”. Getting wounded by many thorns, we found a rose: the artwork of Brazilian artist Ernesto Neto, which basically was a 3D installation made from various fabrics shaped into tear-like cones filled with scented spices that were hanging down the ceiling into the huge room. To fully experience this type of art you have to open up your mind and start using all your senses. You have to touch it, smell it, feel it, immerse in it. If you succeed in doing that, you can consider yourself to be a part of this artwork.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Chef John at Casa Sanchez prepared today a special Valentine treat for Kristina and me. As an appetizer we got a world-famous Casa Sanchez salad with a very interesting sweetish dressing (must ask John for details) that was accompanied by very refreshing Kir Royal. As an entrée we got jasmine rice with a vegetable sauce consisting of white garbanzo beans, red paprika, onion, celery and fried pine cones, made on truffle oil and spiced with fried sage (mniami!!!) This excellent dish was complemented by the most amazing Pinot Noir type of wine that I have ever had in my life (2004 Domaine Pierre Guillemot Savigny-lès-Beaune Les Narbantons 1er Cru). The nose was initially very fruity, but within few minutes it became very earthy and full of minerals. It had a beautiful dark ruby color, perfectly balanced body and crispy, frank and persistent finish… I am totally charmed by this wine. We left some of it for tomorrow, even though both John and I agreed that probably by then its amazingly fruity nose will be gone. For a dessert we got cooked bananas in a rich chocolate sauce, spiced up by boiled macadamia nuts, mint, vanilla ice cream and unidentified (to me) alcohol. The dessert was accompanied by a very decent, not too sweet port, which name unfortunately escaped from my memory.Add to this excellent music, great company and interesting conversation and you will know why I love my new roomies.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Name a country that begins with U.Who is in the coalition of the willing?What’s the religion of Israel?What religion are Buddist monks?Who won the Vietnam war?Who is Fiedel Castro?How many sides does a triangle have?What is the currency of the United Kingdom?Where is Sri Lanka, Iran, North Korea, France?Kofi Anan is a drink, true or false?Who is Tony Blair?Which countries are in the axis of evil?Who was the first man on the moon?What is a mosque?How many kidneys does a person have?What is a collateral damage?How many world wars there were?Which state does a KFC come from?Star Wars is based on a true story, true or false?What are Hiroshima and Nagasaki famous for?How many Eiffel Towers are there in Paris?What is Al Qaeda?The language they speak in Latin America is Latin, true or false?

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard, Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can Everybody's free oh yeah Everybody's free oh yeah

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I do apologize for deleting the old blog, but personally I found it stupid and boring, so I thought that you would not miss it either. I hope that this one will be more satisfying both for you and for me. I will attempt here to show you what is going on in my brain and what is touching my soul, and I can only hope that it will not scare you off from me.

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Meet the author and the main protagonist:

Hi! Welcome to the blog of Monika, a world traveler, writer and photographer. You can find here some of my photos, as well as descriptions of my adventures from around the world. Enjoy reading and thanks for stopping by!