Once upon a time, Cameron Diaz turned 40 and started making depressing and obvious statements to Access Hollywood like "Look, the alternative to getting older is [being dead]." Diaz has since found herself in what the tabloids are calling "a bit of a mid-life crisis" since her split from Alex Rodriguez and a fling with P. Diddy: specifically, she has continued to drink, party and casually copulate like—oh, I don't know—a person you actually might want to be friends with.

But it ends here! Because Gwyneth Here's How To Make 14k-Gold Flaked Nori Rolls For Four, You're Welcome Sweetheart Paltrow, the woman who once took a 10-second car ride from a Stella McCartney party to a Los Angeles restaurant, is teaching Cammie how to be a grown-up human with 99.9% fewer penises inside her as the Bad Teacher star's new "life coach."

"Gwyneth's sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus."

Not even Sensei Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would simultaneously inflict celibacy and Tracy Anderson on his disciples. Would you rather train with Gwyneth or a huge rat in a kimono who lives deep in the heart of the Manhattan sewage system? Thought so. Meet you guys at the manhole on 14th and 7th. [The Sun, Entertainmentwise]

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National tragedy continues to unfold:

Kelly Clarkson wants you to know that SHE sang "My Country 'Tis of Thee" live at the inauguration, unlike SOME people whose names rhyme with Greeyoncé. [TMZ]

And Aretha Franklin had a hearty LOL when she heard about Yoncy's inaugural lip synching scandal: "When I heard the news this evening that she was pre-recorded I really laughed. I thought it was funny because the weather down there was about 46 or 44 degrees and for most singers that is just not good singing weather [...] When I heard that I just really cracked up. I thought it was really funny, but she did a beautiful job with the pre-record." Wait, is that funny? I don't care, actually, since I'm pretty sure Aretha's laughter cures most airborne diseases. [Contact Music]

Lena Dunham appeared on Alec Baldwin's podcast, Here's The Thing, and said some stuff about Rihanna and Chris Brown:

"[Stardom] an amazing thing and it's like, it's a platform that you have to take seriously. Which is why sometimes, it's like, I used to be really into Rihanna, that pop star, and then it's like again, I don't want to ever throw stones from my glass house, but I follow her on Instagram and I just think about how many little girls beyond what I could even comprehend are obsessed with Rihanna.

Like you know, she left Barbados, she's had this amazing career, she's won a Grammy... She's talented. And then she gets back together with Chris Brown and posts a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed. And it cracks my heart in half in a way that makes me feel like I'm 95 years old."

Also, from a year ago:

Rihanna and Chris Brown's new duets make me want to go hide under Gloria Steinem's bed for 72 hours

The Enquirer reports that Levi Johnston's new wife Sunny Oglesby had a few drinks on New Year's Eve and "beat him mercilessly." An eyewitness says that "Sunny went completely insane. She had two martinis and then she just snapped, ranting and raving about Levi not thinking she was pretty enough." Or maybe she finally realized that she and Levi had actually named their 4-month-old daughter Breeze Beretta. Either way: great reasons. [Radar Online]

The '90s heartthrobs of 98 Degrees, New Kids on the Block and Boyz II Men broke bread together to prepare for a major "Hey Girl, You Still Have No Idea What You're Doing But At Least Your Braces Are Off" comeback tour. [Page Six]

Is Adele's baby named Angelo? Did her jewelry give it away? She calls him Little Peanut, which is kind of good enough for me. [Gigwise]

Today in sentences you either care about if you are French or a tree, Vanessa Paradis and H&M are teaming up for some kind of "sustainable fashion" venture. [Vogue UK]

Taylor Swift is trying to reunite with Harry Styles after realizing that "she was being a bit full-on. She is now more relaxed about their relationship. She intends to enjoy it more rather than worry about where it could eventually lead." [Now Magazine]

Selena Gomez performed a cover of Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" because everyone knows those two are the wind beneath each others' wings or whatever. But which one is Bette Midler? [MTV]

David Fincher is in talks to direct Gone Girl, the uplifting tale of two zany individuals who find themselves in the perfect marriage and nothing goes horribly wrong, The End. [Vulture]

The mother of Jeremy Renner's kid is a former fuckbuddy of his, a 22-year-old Canadian model named Sonni Pacheco. She is currently living in L.A. with him and his roommate, which sounds like something your great-aunt would call "a modern arrangement" while nervously folding her hankie into smaller and smaller squares. [Radar Online]