American taxpayers (China) paid for Bush administration officials to conduct political campaign activities for the 2006 midterm elections, which violated federal law and is information that, perhaps, we could have used somewhat earlier than a half decade after the fact. This is not surprising, nor is it surprising Karl Rove directed this stuff. What’s really awful is the sheer incompetence of the federal officials using these taxpayer funds, seeing as the 2006 midterms were a total blowout for the GOP. If you’re going to spend our money on elections, at least win some of them. So, are any of these Bush people going to be prosecuted for breaking the law? LOL. Read more on Timely New Report: Bush White House Constantly Broke Election Law…

Sources in Connecticut (people who “read the entrails” by smashing a jelly Dunkin’ Donut in the rocky soil?) are saying that Joe Lieberman is going to announce his retirement tomorrow, seeing as nobody wants to elect that moaning sack of hollow secondhand gypsy mettle anymore. Wow, what a brilliant career! There was that time he hacked up phlegm all over the accomplishments of the Clinton administration in the 2000 presidential election. And then there was the time his hair foamed as he struggled to eke out re-election in 2006. And then there was the time he triple-kissed John McCain and Lindsey Graham daily in the 2008 presidential contest, swapping gross, dusty, fishy saliva with those two other annoying awful senators. That is a whole lot of disgusting old-man face fluid. Read more on Great Sighing Warmonger Joe Lieberman To Retire…

Virginia’s George Allen may be the most brilliant legislator to ever play with a football on the Senate floor, but unfortunately, he also likes to use old-timey racial slurs of which nobody has ever heard, so he was defeated in 2006 for saying “macaca” on YouTube. It was an important moment in American history, according to what all the pundits said at the time, because it was the first time voters elected an Internet meme to Congress. But now George Allen is planning to run in a 2012 rematch against Jim Webb. And he has even joined this “social media” thing that once destroyed him! Read more on George Allen Going To Bring His Football Back To the Senate, Macacas…

Minneapolis’ city attorney’s office has agreed to pay a $165,000 settlement to seven people who dressed up as zombies to protest consumerism in 2006. Police had arrested the protesters for what they thought appeared to be a “weapon of mass destruction,” but hilariously was actually an iPod and some equipment to amplify this terrorist mp3 player. They were never charged and were later released to continue annoying the terrorism-hating Minnesota public with their disdain for the sale of fishing lures. Read more on City of Minneapolis Pays $165k Settlement To Zombies…

The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws? Read more on Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?…

Vinegar Joe Lieberman is the first actual clump of feces to serve in the U.S. Senate, but it seems Connecticut voters are no longer charmed by this historical oddity. Lieberman now boasts the “highest disapproval rating in any Quinnipiac University poll in any state for a sitting U.S. senator — except for New Jersey’s Robert Torricelli, just before he resigned in 2002.” Read more on Joe Lieberman Is Most Hated U.S. Senator Ever…

Forgotten Florida Republican Senator Mel Martinez announced his retirement today, two years early, and nobody really cares. Martinez is a Cuban alien who somehow got to Florida and became mayor of some town, in Florida, so George Bush Junior made him the HUD secretary, so Martinez caused the housing collapse probably, and then he ran for the Senate and won, we guess, because he’s a senator now, but only for two more years. Read more on Mel Martinez Latest Republican To Give Up…

Gary Dodds was running for Congress in New Hampshire in 2006 when, out of nowhere, he became the saddest person in the history of the world. His campaign was low on funds, he had already spent double what he told his wife he’d spend, he’d taken out two mortgages (for renovations, mostly). He was broke and desperate. That’s when he “disappeared” after a car crash in the snowy woods and was rescued 27 hours later, making him a Common Man and bringing in “campaign” cash. Earlier this year, he was convicted in court of making this up — that he faked his own disappearance. And now he’s been arrested again for violating bail conditions. This person’s life makes us all want to drink, a lot.
Read more on Fraudulent Former N.H. Congressional Candidate Is Saddest Person In World History…

According to the Stamford Advocate, an FBI investigation has concluded that the notorious crash of Joe2006.com, Joe Lieberman’s glorious Web site, the day before his August 2006 primary loss to actual Democrat Ned Lamont was caused by Joe Lieberman’s campaign. When will Joe Lieberman apologize to Joe Lieberman for these dirty tricks?
Read more on Joe Lieberman Crashed His Own Web Site Before 2006 Primary…

The divorce gossip is basically true! Halfway through a disastrous scandal-ridden first (possibly fictional) term as Nevada’s governor, rat-eyed corrupt paranoid-schizophrenic alcoholic cocktail-waitress-assaulting Jim Gibbons is having a “family meeting” this weekend to make a divorce deal with Dawn Gibbons, his long-suffering yet power-mad wife. This is according to the Reno Gazette Journal, quoting Gibbons’ own office. Congratulations, Dawn! Maybe your settlement will include that briefcase full of bribe money and poker chips the lobbyists brought you on the cruise ship!
Future of Gibbons marriage uncertain [RGJ]
Read more on Cretin Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons Having ‘Family Meeting’ To Get Divorced…

During our most sordid American midterm campaign, Congressman Jim Gibbons brought important attention to his bid for the governorship of Nevada by getting caught in some sleazy Vegas scene where he allegedly tried to drag a cocktail waitress back to his hotel room and then pretty much threatened to dump her corpse in the desert if she complained. Oh, Jim Gibbons, we have missed your stupid antics. Your nice wife Dawn Gibbons? Not so much. We hear she had divorce papers delivered to you Wednesday.
Read more on Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons Served With Divorce Papers?…

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Remember Karl Rove? He was kind of a big deal for the Republican Party, and used to live in the White House with George W. Bush, but then 2006 happened and Iraq happened and it was pretty clear that the current year, 2008, was going to happen. So Karl packed his hobo bindle and hit the road. That road ended at the Fox News studios. Rove is boring, of course, but it is kind of funny to hear him pretending to advise John McCain’s campaign. [Fox News]
Read more on Video Proof Of Karl Rove’s Sexy New Job On Fox…

He was our greatest governor (of Virginia) and our greatest American senator. He loved the Confederate Flag, holding footballs, and terrorizing the Negroes. Also, he was photographed astride a horse, so he was obviously the new Ronald Reagan and was supposed to have an easy ride to the White House this year. But this legacy of greatness was destroyed by idiot liberals who had to make a big deal of his casual racism.
And now George Allen is refusing to run for governor again next year. Thanks a lot, jerk. What are we supposed to write about in ’09 now?
Allen Won’t Run For Va. Governor [Washington Post]
Read more on George Allen Denies Us The Chance To Laugh Again…

Congressman John Doolittle of California — Tom DeLay’s scumbag buddy who took a bunch of dirty money from Jack Abramoff — might be wussing out after all. Doolittle’s chief of staff denies it, but the re-election campaign is already almost broke and he nearly lost his 4th District “safe seat” in the ’06 midterms that swept away his crooked sweetheart Richard Pombo, from California’s 11th District. [TPM Muckraker, Politico, OpenSecrets]
Read more on …

The GOP primary’s great white hope, Hollywood Fred Thompson, is either purposefully trying to derail his campaign before Halloween so he can lazily enjoy the winter holidays, or he’s so Reaganesque that he’s going senile before the election. Nothing else could explain his bizarre tone-deaf response to questions about the southern conservative primary voter’s own personal version of the Crucifixion story: the tragic removal of Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube two years ago.
Read more on Reaganesque: Fred Thompson Is Already Senile…

There’s great news for America: The federal deficit has finally fallen back to early-2002 levels, meaning things are now only as bad as they were immediately after 9/11. Why the not-so-bad news? The surge, obviously:
Read more on The Surge Is Already Working!…

Jim Gibbons was already famous for being a do-nothing Nevada congressman who routinely spouted asinine nonsense and basically threatened to kill a Vegas cocktail waitress just before the midterm elections that bizarrely put him in the governor’s mansion, but we can now add “paranoid schizophrenic” to his long list of personal problems.
“Citing unspecified security concerns,” the rat-eyed Republican was sworn in as the New Year arrived Monday at 12 a.m. — in the living room of his house in the grim Reno suburb of Sparks. (UPDATE: Sparks native Gibbons has apparently abandoned his grim hometown for some McMansion in Reno proper.) This couldn’t be any weirder if Michael Jackson, Liza Minelli and that dwarf from “Twin Peaks” were on hand.
Let’s catch up with the scumsack, after the jump.
Read more on Waitress-Slapping Drunken Governor’s Secret Midnight Oath…

The Wall Street Journal has kindly made its end-of-year News Quiz available even to you, the person without a WSJ account because it’s not like you’ve got stocks or whatever. This is a way for the Big Money people to reward you for taking an interest in national and world affairs, despite your unenviable position on the Wealth Ladder.
Read more on Special Time-Wasting 2006 News Quiz!…