Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Don't ask me why this prompted me to post for the first time in a month. Cause I have no answer for you...

Let me set the stage for this morning's traumatic event.

This morning I woke up exhausted. Couldn't sleep. No idea why. About once a week, I sleep like shit cause my mind is reeling and nothing I do (read, watch tv, count backwards) seems to help. So I wake up, after falling asleep at 3 or 4am) super groggy and tired. As usual, the cats are eager for breakfast and are mewing up a storm.

I realize I'm a complete a-hole. I was supposed to work from home today because I have a mid-day doctor appointment, but I left my laptop at work the night before. So I have two options: 1) Get showered and dressed, go into work for an hour or two, then leave the office early for the doctor's appointment and afterward work from home for the afternoon, or 2) Put on my giant sunglasses and gym clothes, and trudge to the office before anyone else gets there, snag the laptop and make it home in time for my early phone meeting. I choose option 2.

I'm in my already worn, nasty gym clothes and sunglasses that cover half my face, walking to Starbucks. Because there's no way I can face the day, tired and heading to the OBGYN (fun times), without caffeine. I get my fix and an eye roll from the cashier and I'm headed to the subway station. It's 7:15 in the morning, early, but still enough people around for it not to be entirely deserted. I'm groggily strolling along, sipping my iced tea, annoyed that I have to go into the office, WHEN.................

A FREAKING DEAD BIRD HITS THE PAVEMENT A MERE FOOT FROM MY HEAD!!!!!!

At least I think (or hope) he's dead before he hits the ground...

He falls hard and fast, with a thud and a slight crunch. I say, "OH FUCK" out loud and just stand there for what felt like 30 seconds but was probably 1. I turn around and a woman is about 10 feet behind me but is looking at her phone and hasn't seen the poultry falling from the sky.

It's not a large bird, just your average small bird, but I'm amazed at how hard it lands. His wings aren't splayed, his feet aren't mangled, he's just in a tight little bundle, like a chicken nugget, or how I would imagine him sitting on a branch, scoping out the lady birds. I look up, expecting to see the tree that it fell out of. But all I see is 30 stories of stark cement buildings. No foliage of any kind. Where could this little guy have come from??? (I don't know why I assume it's a boy, but I just do...)

I quickly come to the conclusion that either a) god is punishing me and is raining dead animals down on me, b) the swine flu has migrated to birds, or c) the bird flew into a window, knocked himself out (poor guy), and fell to his death, nearly taking me out with him.

I'm still freaking out at the fact that this *THING* with a sharp beak and mini-dagger-claws fell from the sky with the downward speed of a rocket and nearly landed on me. I don't care if he hit my head, my arm or my Starbucks, I literally don't know what I would have done if he made contact with me. I guess there's a chance that I could have been knocked out. Which probably would have been for the best, because honestly, I think I would completely lose my shit. Flailing around. Screaming. Shaking the dead birdiness off of me. Jeeeesus.

I'm definitely a bit traumatized by my run in with death this morning. Regardless of the fact that it was probably Darwin's theory of evolution at work.

FREAKS LIKE ME...

Sassy Two Tweets

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About Me

I am a sass. And sometimes I wear two socks. Sometimes one. I'm also a mommy of two cats, a second wife (to Mr.T), a runner who will never look athletic, a smartypants, a new yorker at heart but masshole by birth, a shopaholic, a boring ex-accountant turned internet exec, a foodie, a watcher of too much crappy tv, a cheese addict (probably the reason I'll never look athletic), and a wine snob. Oh, and I wish I had an afro.
sassytwosocks [at] gmail [dot] com