9 Lesbian Myths, Debunked

Breaking down the common misconceptions people have about lesbians.

Anna Wolf

By
Ariel Schrag

Jan 15, 2014

I'm out for breakfast with my extended family. Our group is large, and lots of conversations are going on. Somehow, the topic turns to lesbians. An aunt sitting a few seats away loudly asks: "Ariel, how many lesbians are there in the world?"

"334,263,984," I say. Just kidding. Actually, I answer, "Uh, I don't know." And feel awkward. And like I have a giant LED board across my chest reading Lesbian! This is the first misconception about lesbians.

Myth 1: Lesbians know everything about lesbians.

How many of us there are, how we have sex, if we were born that way — I can answer only for myself. You'll have to ask the other 334,263,983 for their story. That said, I will now proceed to speak for all lesbians as I debunk some other myths.

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Myth 2: Lesbians are vegetarians.

A familiar scene: I'm at a dinner party, and the host has prepared some delicious roast-chicken dish. He or she then turns to me and says, "Oh! And Ariel, we made something vegetarian too." (I'm not a vegetarian.) Because, I suppose, if a woman doesn't want to put a penis in her mouth, all other meat must be off-limits as well?

Myth 3: Lesbians love cats.

Here we have some crossover with a stereotype about spinsters, who, like lesbians, don't have men in their lives, a void they supposedly fill with animals called pussy. Cats are fine and all, but frankly, the majority of lesbians I know are obsessed with pit bulls.

Myth 4: Lesbians hate men.

The people who consistently complain about men are straight women. Lesbians don't care. If we want to be friends with a man, we will. If we don't, we, unlike straight women, have no needs that can be met only by men. In general, people hate others when they need something they're not getting from them. Anything else is just finding someone annoying. (I will also add that not all lesbians share men's assumed love of sports. I suck at and know absolutely nothing at all about sports.)

Myth 5: In a lesbian relationship, one woman is "the man."

My girlfriend, Charlotte, and I recently met up with an old friend of hers. Charlotte said, "We're gonna see a movie later." Her friend responded: "In a lesbian relationship, does someone take on the role of 'the man'?" Neither Charlotte nor I appear especially masculine. But somehow, many people believe that unless it's been established which woman takes on that crucial role of "the man," the relationship can't function. What does "the man" even mean? The person on top during sex? The one who insists on driving? The one who more often pays? I know plenty of straight relationships in which the woman claims all these roles.

Myth 6: Butch lesbians want to be men

There's no other way to put this: Butch, masculine women do not want to be men. A woman who identifies as a man and takes steps to transition into one is called a trans man. But butch women want to be just what they are: butch women. And, yes, many women (and some men) find masculine women very attractive.

Myth 7: All lesbians love and are good at oral sex.

They don't and aren't. I'm not knocking oral sex; it's great stuff. But some lesbians simply don't care for it. This myth brings us to that all-consuming question: How do lesbians have sex? I love that people don't know the answer. It makes the sex I have seem so exciting! Not that biology-textbook, farm-animals-mating kind of sex straight people have. Elusive, mysterious lesbian sex! You'll just have to keep on guessing…okay, fine, I'll tell you how we do it. You know the body parts women have? Try putting them together in every way possible and throw in some dildos if you want. There's a fair amount of trial and error. We have no more information than you do.

Myth 8: It's easier to be in a lesbian relationship than a straight one, because women understand each other.

Dead wrong. No relationship is ever easy. But while we're thinking in stereotypes, try putting two moody, passive-aggressive people together as a couple. I'd take the straightforward, just-wants-consistent-sex guy any day. And to address an even more offensive myth: No, lesbians aren't lesbians because they can't "snag a man." Some people will see a lesbian they deem unattractive and believe she's too ugly or masculine for any man to want her. Or they'll see a beautiful lesbian and think that she has been wronged by a man and that's why she switched teams. Nope, not the case. It doesn't work that way.

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Myth 9: Lesbians identify as lesbians.

Like many lesbians, I'm not crazy about the word lesbian. It's so polysyllabic and clinical sounding. Gay is quick and to the point, but I can't get over that it also means "lighthearted and carefree." Queer is popular but comes with a political edge that may not feel right. And what qualifies someone as a lesbian anyway? Do you need to have sex only with women? Have had a long-term relationship with a woman? Why are we so set on labeling something as amorphous and fluid as sexual attraction? It's a dumb, if not impossible, endeavor. Those are my words of lesbian wisdom. Now I need to get back to feeding my rescue cat its vegan meal before the WNBA semifinals come on.

Now that I've exposed these myths to the illuminating light of the sapphic sun, let's talk about two lesbian "myths" that are true.

1. All lesbians stay emotionally involved with their ex-girlfriends. Really. My friend Amy recently woke up in the middle of the night to find her girlfriend having a tearful phone conversation with her ex. Instead of saying what a guy or girl in a straight relationship might say — something like "What the fuck are you doing on the phone with your ex?" — Amy understood and gently asked, "Is she okay?" I currently know two sets of lesbians who are in happy relationships but still in couples counseling…with their ex-girlfriends.

2. All lesbians have shown up to meet a girlfriend or a friend only to discover they are wearing the exact same outfit. Yup.

Ariel Schrag is the author of several graphic memoirs. She has written for The L Word and How to Make It in America. Her novel, Adam, will be out this spring.