LOSTWATCH!! – “Who are we to argue with Taller-Ghost Walt?”

Yes! The season is a fourth of the way over! How long will we have to wait for new episodes this time? Let’s worry about that tomorrow… and read LOSTWATCH!! today!

This week, we got a glimpse of Naomi’s friends; the ones who are there to rescue the castaways. I gotta feeling the only people they’re there to rescue is… no one! Lost Squad, roll call!

Daniel Faraday – Lost Island’s mysteries just got more mysterious, because we can’t understand a thing this guy says. “Well, um… haha, see… thing about that is, well, I mean, I don’t do the packing. And that gun… well, um… hehehe.”

Miles Straume – Miles does a great job at getting pissed off and pulling guns on people. He does an even better job of getting pwned by Sayid and Juliette. He has about 20 seconds of screen time before you want to hit him.

Charlotte Lewis – After stealing the Declaration of Independence, Charlotte and her friend find a polar bear skeleton buried in the desert wearing a collar emblazoned with the Dharma logo. WTFs galor.

Captain Ron – Played by Kurt Russell. The Cap’n helps the castaways escape from pirates who want to steal their boat and take it to Cuba. Along the way, the Losties also learn that Martin Short really is a great dad after all, and that they shouldn’t give him such a hard time.

Lost Squad, assemble! And who put together this crack team? Naomi and… Matthew Abbadon! The plot thickens!

Abaddon: Naomi mon, here’s de team we gonna send to de eyeland.

Naomi: This is bloody madness. Are ‘ye daft, man?

Abaddon: Feelin’ eyrie.

What are these guys doing on the island? All of their flashbacks begin with some sort of radio/tv news broadcast, reporting that Oceanic Flight 815 has been recovered at the bottom of the ocean. But, as Sayid observes, none of them are particularly surprised to find them alive. If their primary objective isn’t to rescue the castaways, what is it then? To capture Ben of course. Ben, who has spent the last three episodes getting the s**t knocked out of him by everybody, pulls the old reach around and lets the would be rescuers know that he has a man on their boat. Well played, Benjamin. Well played, even though you look like a pedophile in your file photo.

For the time being, I think Daniel, Miles and Captain Ron can breathe easy. Jack and Kate and the others wish them no harm. Matter of fact, I think Jack plays the nice guy role almost to a fault, as evidenced in this dialogue between him and Miles, who spends most of the episode in a hissy fit…

Jack: Hey guy, take it easy. Tell me what you’re doing here, and I’ll give you the sat phone.

Miles: As if. Give me the sat phone, and I’ll tell you what we’re doing here.

Jack: K. Don’t ask about your sister lol.

Miles: (takes phone) Hello? Put my sister on.

Charlotte, on the other hand, is royally f****d. Ben gets a hold of Carl’s gun and busts a cap, and Charlotte is forced to reveal that she’s wearing a bullet-proof vest when she doesn’t fall over dead. Locke had already decreed that he and his half of the castaways didn’t want to be rescued, and now that they know Charlotte and her friends are there under false pretenses, her prospects for survival aren’t looking too good. How will all this play out? Who cares! Just drink it in, because it always goes down smooth. And join us again next week, for another exciting LOSTWATCH!!