Study Shows Pregnant Women Might Not be Idiots

TORONTO — A groundbreaking new study suggests that the brains of pregnant woman may in fact remain functional throughout the gestational period.

“We were very surprised to discover that their brains were actually very similar to the brains of non-gestating women, or adult males,” stated Dr. Hynes, who coauthored the study with her colleague, Dr. Mills.

This shatters many of the presuppositions that underlie conventional care for childbearing woman, which suggest that non-pregnant people use sing-song voices to present information in simple terms.

“The most startling finding from all this,” stated Dr. Hynes, “is that pregnant woman may actually be able to process complex information and make educated decisions.”

“If you add to this to a recent Flemish study that suggests mothers make decisions based on the perceived best interest of their babies”, added Dr. Mills, “this has grave implications for the societal fantasy that everyone knows how to parent your children better than you do.”

“We want to be careful about this, but it seems that expectant mothers may not need the advice of every passerby in deciding how to act while pregnant,” said Mills.

Science is now questioning the longstanding cultural belief that the best way to support new mothers is leaning into pregnant women in the grocery store, assuming a posture of shared intimacy, perhaps placing one’s hands on their sensitive, stretched-thin bellies, and then doling out advice based on what your mother-in-law always told you in 1973.

“We are now considering the possibility that the best way for pregnant mothers to make decisions about pregnancy is to receive accurate, up to date, evidence-based information from an accredited practitioner of their choosing,” states Dr. Hynes.

“Surprisingly, providing women with access to complete, nuanced information may actually lead to better decision making, and healthier, less bat-shit pregnancies.”

“We think there is a lot more research to be done,” said Hynes. “It’s frightening to think about it, but it’s possible that mothers may retain intellectual and emotional complexity throughout their lifespan, with human feelings and needs beyond fulfilling the biological imperatives of feeding and sheltering their children.”

Mills added, “Although not likely, at this point it appears to be scientifically plausible mothers may not be not just be husks of humans whose role is complete once they’ve expelled all their cuteness in the form of a little baby. ”

“We don’t really blame OBGYN’s,” reflected Hynes when questioned about how care for pregnant women has been able to remain so condescending for so long.

“But what would you assume if one of these cranky, rotund creatures walked into your office overflowing out of their choo-choo train over-alls?”

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