Is Modern Motherhood Working Against Women?

Sabrina Parsons
, ContributorSabrina is the CEO of Palo Alto Software and a mom to 3 boys.Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.

Elisabeth Badinter has written a book, which is already a bestseller in Europe, titled: "The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women." Now the book is poised to be released on April 24, 2012, in the US. Here is the description of her book on Amazon.com:

Elisabeth Badinter has for decades been in the vanguard of the European fight for women's equality. Now, in an explosive new book, she points her finger at a most unlikely force undermining the status of women: liberal motherhood, in thrall to all that is "natural." Attachment parenting, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, and especially breast-feeding—these hallmarks of contemporary motherhood have succeeded in tethering women to the home and family to an extent not seen since the 1950s. Badinter argues that the taboos now surrounding epidurals, formula, disposable diapers, cribs—and anything that distracts a mother's attention from her offspring—have turned childrearing into a singularly regressive force.

Just reading the description of the book fills me with anger. I am annoyed that Badinter is implying that the only way to be a "liberal" mother, and not only believe, but implement theories of attachment parenting, is if you are tethered to your home. Held back from actually perusing anything besides motherhood. I object. I am a working mother of 3 boys. I am the CEO of a tech company, so as a woman I am already the "odd man out" so to speak. I work extremely hard, but also believe in many of the theories of attachment parenting. And I don't think that attachment parenting is tethering women. I think women are tethering women. In all my 8 years as a mother, and 3 kids later, the guilt I feel about being a working mother is 9 times out of 10 inflicted by another woman. I understand that there are some careers that make it difficult for any parent. But I think this is also a function of parents being afraid to speak out and ask for the flexibility that they need.

I can guarantee you that successful career parents, both mom and dads alike, who come home for dinner with their families at a reasonable hour, are doing work early in the morning, later at night, during lunch, on the weekends, etc. I get up at 5am so that I can work out, check in on email, and get to the office by 7:30 am. I can still see the kids in the morning, help them gt dressed and start breakfast. My husband then finishes morning duties and drops kids off at school, so that I can get to the office early. I never "take" a lunch. I always work through lunch, but I leave the office everyday by 4:45 in order to get home, start dinner, and get the kids to their late afternoon/evening activities (swim practice, soccer practice, etc.). Our whole family eats dinner together, and spends time after dinner doing homework, reading, playing, and relaxing before bath time. The kids are in bed and asleep by latest, 8:30pm. That gives me another hour or so to get some work done before I'm exhausted and need to head to bed (and if possible read for a few minutes). I know that I depend on staying very focused at work, and working as efficiently as possible. I don't generally "hang out" at the office and chit chat.

But does my schedule prevent me from being a "liberal" mother as defined by Badinter? I breast fed all three of my boys until they were at least 12 months old. I co-slept with all of them until they were at least 9 months old. My boys continue to migrate from their beds and their rooms to our bed, and our room. Lately in order to fit all the children after the "migration" (as my husband calls it) one of the older boys generally grabs a pillow and sleeps with his head at the foot of our bed. We often times wake up in the morning with at least 2 of the 3 boys in our bed. Once or twice a week we wake up with all 3 boys in our bed. I brought my babies into the office until they were about 4 months old. This allowed me to use a baby sling and have them with me all the time- nursing on demand. As the CEO of my company maternity leave is not possible for me, but bringing in the babies to the office was. I was lucky though. Not one of my babies had colic or any digestion problems,. They all 3 latched great and loved to breastfeed. They all 3 loved the baby sling. The only thing that suffered a little bit during those months with my babies eternally in a sling, at work, at home, and anywhere -- was my back.

So why does Badinter claim that "liberal" motherhood is bad for liberated women, and bad for feminism? Maybe what is bad for women is the inability to have flexible schedules and work situations where nursing moms are respected and appropriate space is provided for them. Maybe what is bad is for parents feeling like it is not OK to say they have to be home for dinner. Maybe what is bad is having to apologize to corporate America for even being a parent. We need more bosses and people in charge to understand that if we give a little flexibility, provide the right working environment, and focus on results rather than time in the office, women and men for that matter, can practice any kind of parenting that fits their life, their family and their style, without having to choose career, or parenting style. We also need women to support women. I have never felt more judgement, or more guilt, then when another mother gives me just that look, and says just that comment that digs into me like a knife. I remember going to a mommy and me group where I was the only working mother. I ended up leaving the group because of the judgement I felt by the other mothers.

Badinter in my opinion is simply trying to stir up controversy. The issue is not that women feel forced to stay at home and be barefoot and pregnant, but more that mothers who work feel embarrassed to ask for what they need. Take Sheryl Sandberg, the Facebook COO, and her recent admission that she leaves work at 5:30 in order to be home for dinner with her kids. The biggest reveal is not that has left at 5:30 for years, in order to have dinner with her kids, but that she is now just barely comfortable talking about this publicly. Clearly she is an accomplished woman who kicks butt at her job. Why should the time she leaves the office be of any concern to anyone? She should be judged on whether she gets her work done, and accomplishes the objectives set forth by leadership at Facebook. Sheryl's motherhood style should not be an issue and should not be anyone else's business. As long as she is successful she should be able to schedule her own time and figure out when to fit in the things she deems important both personally and at work. I challenge that Badinter actually just wants to stir the Mommy Wars with this book. Instead of dealing with the working world, and the lack of flexibility, and ability to recognize that the results you achieve at work are way, way, way more important than the hours that you spend at the office, and way, way, way more important than when during the day (or night for that matter) you actually do the work. The problem is not whether you choose to be a liberal mother. The problems is that people judge personal decisions, and businesses don't want to change the way they have always done things. Women, it's time to speak up like Sheryl did. Let the working world know that you can be any kind of mother you want to be, and still kick butt at work.