When my ass talks, people listen.

Cozies for Nether Regions and an Item Which Makes it Look Like Your Head is Popping Out of One

It’s cold here. Not like “I need a cozy for my cock because I walk out the door and have icicles dangling from my balls and am sure I’ve been teleported to Canada” kind of cold, but fucking cold nonetheless. Which by the way, if you do need a cozy for your cock, may I suggest a hand-knitted delight like this trouser snake special I found over on etsy. Sort of frightening, yet suggestive at the same time.

The seller does note the following in the description: You will receive a random shaft colour combo in the standard 7.5″ unless you specify 2 colours/custom size in your Message To Seller. Do your cock a favor guys, and get out the ruler. Do you really want your meat stick swimming around in this dick scarf because you lied and told the seller it was an 8 incher instead of the 5.25 inches that it is?

I think the cock and ball cozy is an amazing idea. The turtleneck, on the other hand, not so much. Seriously, whose fucking idea was this? Did the fashion designers of the early 20th century get together and say to each other, “It’s Ice Age cold outside. We need to design a shirt that comes all the way up the neck and feels like it’s garroting you. You know, sort of like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but a lot less pleasurable.”

I’m certainly no fashion plate, and tend to stay far away from the catwalk, but I thought these things went out with the”OMG your thighs are going to rub together and start a forest fire” corduroy trousers with bell bottoms and clogs with wooden heels. Which by the way I miss terribly. The clogs, not the corduroy pants.

My suggestion? Try a scarf. Try a snood. Try a micro-fleece neck warmer. Try anything but a turtleneck, because no matter how good you think it looks, it just doesn’t. It makes your head look like it’s popping out of your mother’s vag on your birthday. The last guy that looked good in a turtleneck? Ron Burgundy. And we all know you can’t look better than him, so just give it up.

*sigh* I actually had a meatslinger with an elephant on the pouch, complete with a trunk to stuff my penis in. I think Cimmy and I mutually agreed that it was silly, while another one with a bell that said “Ring when ready” was a little bit more amusing. And then there was the one with the suitcase snap clatch.