THIS IS MY BLOG. AS A RULE YOU WILL SEE MANY JOKES AND PICTURES POSTED. I EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS. I HAVE THAT RIGHT STILL YET IN THIS NATION.
NEW RULES STARTING NOW ON THIS BLOG YOU MAY ATTACK ME. LEAVE ANY COMMENT YOU WANT DIRECTED AT ME. YOUR FREE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. I WILL NOT DELETE IT.
HOWEVER IF YOU CROSS THE LINE AND ATTACK MY FAMILY IN A COMMENT I WILL DELETE THAT COMMENT. I HOPE THIS IS NOW UNDERSTOOD.
(Please accompany your Children while here this is still an adult humor blog)

Friday, May 26, 2006

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, "Theyaccuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through theaudience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that manwho is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the wayto Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!" +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Many of the expressions used in dysfunctional families aresimilar tothose used in normal families except in the case of dysfunctionalfamilies,the communicator just makes it come out wrong, right? Here are just afewexamples:

THE GREETINGNormal Family: Hi, it's great to see you!Dysfun. Family: Well, you're finally here--we about gave up on you.Weren'tyou supposed to be here about half an hour ago?

THE INQUIRYNormal Family: How have you been?Dysfun. Family: Well, are you still at that same LITTLE job? Do youstillhave that same LITTLE house?

THE COMPLIMENTSNormal Family: Nice car you've got there.Dysfun. Family: Is THAT your new car? How much did you have to payfor thatthing?

Normal Family: This dessert you brought is delicious.Dysfun. Family: This dessert is pretty good. (Phrased in disbelief)Did YOUmake it?

Normal Family: You look well.Dysfun. Family: Have you put on some weight? I hardly recognized you.

Normal Family: I like your outfit.Dysfun. Family: Is that a new outfit? I bet you got it on sale,didn't you?

THE CLARIFICATION (about anything)Normal Family: Could you explain that a little better? I'm not sure Iunderstand.Dysfun. Family: What did you mean by that? (Very suspiciously) Whatwasthat remark supposed to mean?

ABOUT YOUR CHILDRENNormal Family: How have the children been?Dysfun. Family: Have your kids done anything constructive lately?

Normal Family: The children are really growing.Dysfun. Family: That one's hair is too long and that one there-- shethinksshe's pretty smart, doesn't she? Don't let them touch anything,they'llruin it.

FUTURE PLANSNormal Family: Let's get together again soon.Dysfun. Family: We'll see you in six months (if we don't have anythingbetter to do.)

THE PARTINGNormal Family: We'll be in touch.Dysfun. Family: Why don't you ever call? We don't understand why wedon'thear from you more often.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP:

1. You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

2. Sirens give you a headache.

3. You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-carcomputer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time.

4. When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.

5. When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adultdiapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.

6. You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's toodangerous.

7. At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until thecrowd thins out.

8. A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket forlittering.

9. You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone ofyour own gender is politically incorrect.

10. You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a paper cut.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ It was a Wednesday evening around suppertime. It was hot and overcastoutside but fortunately my wife and I were in the air-conditionedcomfort of our home when the telephone rang. My wife, being closer tothe phone, and quicker on the draw, answered it. The voice on the otherend said, "May I speak with Gail please?"

"She's not here," answered my wife Gail.

"To whom am I speaking?"

"This is Jean, her wife."

"Oh. OK. When will he be home?"

"She."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"She. SHE'LL be home around midnight. May I ask who's calling?"

"This is Aaron."

"And what company do you work for Aaron?"

"I can't divulge that information."

"What do you mean you can't divulge that information?"

"I'm calling to speak specifically with Gail."

"Anything you have to say to Gail you can say to me."

"I really can't do that."

"Sure you can, just pretend I'm her. I won't tell anybody."

"No ma'am I can't, really. I'm not allowed."

"Hold on just a second. You're in luck! She's home early and just walkedin the door."

After giving me a quick briefing of the situation, my wife handed thephone to me. "Hello?" I said.

"Gail?"

"Yes?"

"This is Aaron with AT&T."

"Hi Aaron. What's the big secret that you couldn't tell Jean?"

"We are only allowed to talk to the person we have listed on our contactlist. I'm sorry sir."

"Ma'am."

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Is Gail the only contact person on your list?"

"No sir. ma'am. There is a Robert listed as well."

"Why didn't you ask to speak with him?"

"Could I speak with him?"

"He's not here can I take a message?"

"No but you're Gail right?"

"That's me."

"OK, I can talk to you. AT&T is aware that you have recently switched toanother long distance carrier. We like to make you an offer to get youback as an AT&T customer.

"Do you know why we switched?"

"No sir. ma'am, I don't. Would you like to tell me?

"Let me speak to Horace."

"There is no one here by that name."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I would be happy to straighten out any problems you may have had withAT&T. That's one of the reasons I'm calling today."

"No, I'm sorry. I can only talk to Horace. What time will he be there?"

"Nobody named Horace works here."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I can assure you that it is alright to speak with me."

"Is your name Horace?"

"No but it's my job to help you with any problems you might have hadwith us. Is there some reason why you can't talk to me about this?"

"I'm not allowed."

"Well, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

"Ma'am...."

(Click

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ "Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?"

"Yesterday I've bought your sword..."

"Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!"

"It doesn't work."

"What does it mean - doesn't work?"

"It doesn't cut the dragon's head."

"Have you read the manual, sir?"

"A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour- bearer hasread it for me aloud twice."

"Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?"

"Yes."

"Is that really so? Check it again, please."

"I've done it, I say to you!" "

Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness."

"Ough!"

"You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir."

"What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a sharpflavour of my dishes like that."

"You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinnerdishes. The term 'sharp' means here..."

"I'm not obliged to know you technical terms! I'm a user, not a hardwarespecialist. You'd better answer why doesn't it work!"

"Did it work before?"

"I don't know, I've bought it only yesterday!" "Okay, sir. Have you doneanything with it?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I only took it out of the sheath."

"Did you try to grind it yourself?"

"What for?"

"You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?"

"No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!"

"Maybe it's the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holywater?"

"I've downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!"

"I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magicnearby. They may create hindrances for the sword."