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Reasons I should be DC

With Bob Sanders gone, there’s a huge coaching position to fill. Who will be the new defensive coordinator? My vote is for…ME!

I don’t know anyone who is smarter than me, and I’ve looked. I know football. I know what works, what doesn’t. I know about adapting. I know we have a talented group of defensive players and they need a defensive coordinator. I know that man is me.

I’ve put this together for Mike McCarthy so he knows why I’m the man for the job. Here are the top ten reasons I should be defensive coordinator.

10. I’ll blitz. I feel I should kick off this campaign right. We did not get pressure in 2008. We rushed four almost every time. It failed. When we did blitz, it usually worked. Seems simple right? It sort of is. I’ll blitz. I’ll blitz my ass off. Safety blitz, corner blitz, middle blitz, overload blitz, all out blitz, and ballroom blitz.

Pressure is the name of the game. Quarterbacks were camping out 5-10 seconds behind the line of scrimmage and that just won’t happen on my watch. Also, blitzing also upsets the running game! Blitzing, it’s what’s for dinner.

9. I’ll make them work the jugs. This one is mostly for Nick Collins, although everyone was guilty of dropping too many easy picks. Charles Woodson, who had 290 interceptions in 2008, could have had 300 if he would have been better prepared. I will prepare these men. They will have Jennings-like hands by the time I’m done with them.

8. Sideline freak outs. Things go bad. It happens. It’s life. When things DO go bad, expect to see me going nuts on the sidelines. Water coolers will be tossed and first down markers will be shoved up people’s o-rings. That’s just how I roll. It will at least provide some entertainment next time Barnett overplays a run. You get to see me choking Suzy Kolber with her microphone cord.

7. I’ll utilize the linebackers. We have some good linebackers. Despite Hawk not living up to expectations and Barnett’s disappointing year, we still have some talented linebackers. Even Poppinga and Chillar are pretty solid. I’ll use these men how they should be used, even plays where we see ALL FOUR of them on the field at the same time. We got the talent. Let’s use it!

6. The strip club. We didn’t force a lot of fumbles in 2008. These players need to improve at stripping the ball from ball carriers. Strip that ball! Also, every player who strips a fumble, I’ll bring them to the strip club. It comes full circle.

4. Better sack dances. There’s two parts to the sack. 1. The sack. 2. The sack dance. People don’t understand the importance of #2. It’s huge! With me as defensive coordinator, I’ll make sure EVERY player has a quality sack dance, because as well as an awesome singer, I’m also an awesome dancer.

3. No confusion. I’ll make these guys study up and have them practice making adjustments at the line. Too many times in 2008 we saw players motioning to other players, looking confused, AS THE BALL WAS BEING SNAPPED. Unacceptable.

2. Jump around. We didn’t knock balls down at all in 2008. I’ll make sure we do. Every QB has a clock. Every defensive lineman should have one too. Linemen need to know when the QB has to throw, get ready to swat the ball. Jolly used to be so good at this, but not anymore. I will make sure Jolly gets his swat back.

1. We’ll tackle people. Every practice will have tackling drills. Every meeting I will mention it. Every film session I will point out poor tackles. I will have those players mocked, perhaps even tarred and feathered. Everything else on the list is a nuance of the defense, but tackling is the most basic element, and this team needs to get better at it. I can do that. If they don’t improve, I will sing to them, and that will surely motivate them to step up their tackling game.

Mike McCarthy, I know you read this site (why wouldn’t you?) So, I am asking you now to do what is best for the Packers and hire me as defensive coordinator. I’ve made my case, sir. The decision is yours.

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"I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious."