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A little SUMthing about growing up, making mistakes and happy endings.

I Am Who I Am

June 8, 2014

When my daughter, F, was in kindergarten, she asked me how to spell the word FREELOADER for a homework assignment. I thought it was funny so I put it on my Facebook wall.

After the photo went up, someone very special sent it to the right person and it went viral.

F’s online presence was a fun time for our family, especially F. She got a little bummed when her piece was introduced on TV and the host assumed she was a boy— but still, she enjoyed her early moments of online fame.

F’s homework made a lot of people smile, but not everyone.

Some people didn’t find it humorous at all. I remember taking a moment to read some of the comments and I was shocked by what I saw. People were RIPPING me. Not everyone, most people loved it, but a lot of people didn’t. Some mocked us for not having good values, some presumed that we were “on welfare living off the system,“ and some turned F‘s answer into a commentary on the state of our nation.

That was the day I learned: What’s funny to some, isn’t necessarily funny to all.

The thing is, I didn’t care. I have thick skin. And, as far as I was concerned, they were crazy.

The same kind of thing is happening again, except this time the people who are ripping me might have a point.

There’s an old post on the Dim Sum and Doughnuts site that I recently re-released for “Throwback Thursday.” The piece is called “Top 10 Annoying Comments and Questions for Adoptive Parents.” (Don’t go to it yet, the part you want to see is no longer there anyway.) It seemed like people were enjoying the piece, especially people who have adopted, so I put it up in a few online adoption rooms. I only did it because I thought it would make people smile, but I was way wrong.

One of the Top 10 “Annoying Questions” that I stated on the post was “Is your husband Chinese?” and my response to that was I have never been offended by that question, I’m just not into Chinese guys.

The controversy sparked by that line was not something I was prepared for. When the piece originally went out 3 years ago, no one ever brought that line to my attention so I never gave it a second thought. I didn’t mean anything by it. Chinese guys were just never my thing.

But this time around, people were offended. Like REALLY offended: How can I say I’m not into Chinese guys? That’s like saying that I’m not into black guys (I am, by the way.)

I thought to myself: I wonder how I would feel if I read some piece and the writer wasn’t into Jewish guys. Would I care? No, but that’s not really the point.

Or is it?

My ways, my philosophies, they’re not for everyone. I’m not for everyone. But what can I do? I am who I am.

Yes, I let my kids listen to inappropriate music. Yes, I make them wear clothes they HATE to school as a punishment for lying, and yes, I let them skip school and we went to a bar in the middle of the day where they drank Shirley Temples and ate like 50 maraschino cherries.

No, we’re not always conventional. Our whole campy lifestyle and family dynamic is unconventional. The way we raise our kids is unconventional.

But, what’s so great about being conventional?

The readers that were blasting me, they don’t know me, though I can’t say they didn’t give me a chance because they found another post and shredded that one as well. (In fact, one person suggested that I get F to an “adoption/trauma therapist.)

I don’t know…I could be wrong, but she seems OK to me:

But what kind of writer am I if the people who don’t know me, don’t get me? Isn’t the whole point of writing to connect with people? Clearly I’m not conveying myself properly if I’m pissing so many people off. Or maybe I’m just not connecting with the right people?

Who are the right people for Dim Sum and Doughnuts? I always thought of the Dim Sum and Doughnuts reader as someone who is warm and bright and sharp and funny…someone who doesn’t take herself or himself too seriously.

I thought the adoption community might like to read about how one family deals with adoption. (I have never asked anyone to follow my lead, I just thought it would be cool to share.)

I thought the millennial generation girls might like some insight into what their future holds. (I wish someone had given me a “heads up” when I was younger, maybe I wouldn’t have f**ked up so much—probably not though.)

I thought the camp enthusiasts might like a place where they can re-connect with the magic of overnight camp. (It doesn’t matter if they went to our camp, camp is like pizza, it’s all good.)

I thought the baby boomers might like to see that no matter how much things have changed, the fundamentals are still pretty much still the same. (I love the “Been There, Done That“ generation. Nothing offends them anymore.)

And I thought moms might like to know that they are not alone in this crazy thing called parenthood because here I am, and I mess up A LOT but my kids are (at least for now) fine.

Was I wrong?

I don’t mind being called out. I invited that when I decided to put myself out there.

At this point, though, I just want to have some fun. And by the way, my friend MG is Chinese and her brother is super hot. I forgot about him.

My bad.

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Thanks for being here!

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Comments

Seriously!!?? I have no idea how to comment…. But all I can say is I took it exactly as you wrote it… No matter what you do or say someone will have a problem with it… Keep on being you and writing the way you do because 99% of us love it xx

You’re right, Julie. I really think you are right (and smart.) They do deserve to be heard, I am just done paying attention (unless they are going to be nice.) 🙂 Thank you for your kind words. I needed them today. Can’t wait to get back to the fun!

don’t take on extra guilt..you already know.. to paraphrase… ‘You can please all the people some of the time, some of the people all the time but not all the people all the time’ It does show you’re being read anyway 🙂 I know you would go to the wall for your children AND THEY DO TO !! Also I think you’re funny and enjoy reading Dim Sun..so keep on keeping on.

Ann!! I almost named the post “You Can’t Please All The People All The Time” –now I’m wondering if I should have!! Love having you as a reader. Did I get your generation down? Was I accurate? I hope so. Love having you here. You know that. Thank you!!

My girl knows her stuff. She is a great writer and I hope she inspires and provokes all who read her blog… lets face it- some will love this new entry and some wont!!!
It is what it is…… So proud of you Robyn!!!!

I thought it’s a blog, not a school textbook. What’s wrong with haters? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with haters, they hate everything cuz they are miserable. And those of us that know Frankie know what an anazing mommy you are cuz she’s perfectly awesome!!! Don’t ever stop being you. Hey haters, Don’t like it? don’t read it!

There is no such thing as thick skin anymore. This whole “everyone’s a winner” for kids seems to have affected the whole world no matter what age. We are NOT all going to see eye to eye, we ALL have judgements, bias, feelings that aren’t appropriate. You’re fine. You’re you. Don’t make excuses for that. Just be aware that people will attack you because you are not politically correct…. Which I love! 🙂
Btw, 39 people came to pipers party and it was AWESOME!

Karin!!!! I’m not sure what I love more…the comment or the update on Piper’s party!!!

I don’t remember how you found me, but I’m very glad you did. You are such a breath of fresh air and I agree with you on the whole “everyone’s a winner” thing. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on that subject as summer rolls out and I’m up at camp with all the kids. Thanks for putting the topic in my head. You’re good like that!!

Enough with the apologies. If writing is your art, then you’ve done your job. A very wise theater maven once told me that art is anything that evokes a feeling in the reader/viewer. If it means that the reader is pissed off, so be it.

I’m with the rest of your commenters — here, that is, the SUPPORTIVE ones! — you can’t please everybody. (I thought the adoption post was funny!)

I know, though — not long ago I’d had a comment (from a *friend* no less) on another blog of mine (the-ex-expat.com) that said I was really annoying, or something to that effect. I was, like, [a] WTF? [b] What in the world was annoying in that post?!? and [c] then why are you reading?

Can’t win sometimes. Don’t bother trying. Keep on writing — I’m really glad you started up again! (And, ya know, I’d seen that thing of Frankie’s before but had no idea that was *your* Frankie. Too funny!)
–arden–

Hi, Arden! I’m so happy to hear from you! Who called you annoying? Let me AT them!!! I will take care of business!

Thank you for finding me again. I love that you’re back! You make me smile and you’re so right, sometimes you just can’t win–so I’m just going to do what I do and the ones that are in will be in. So happy that I have you as an “IN.” 🙂

Eh, screw ’em. OH! Can I saw that?! Pffft. Really. It’s the whole “hiding behind the monitor” thing again. It’s SO darned (and you know the word I wanted to type) easy to rip someone when they don’t know you.

There are things I love about you, there are things I don’t agree with you on. It’s YOUR blog, it’s YOU. I figure I read and enjoy the posts I read and enjoy, and skip the others. That said, I still Every.Freaking.Time laugh when I see “Frankie the Freeloader”. I feel like I’m the most conservative liberal on the planet, and I got it. If others don’t get that it’s funny and that you are bringing your girls up in a very healthy, don’t take yourself so seriously, full of love environment, well, back to screw ’em.

No, you aren’t going to please everyone all of the time. And some people are never going to get you. And that’s okay. A good writer also pushes the boundaries sometimes. And you do that.

Oh, and Robyn, those of us who get you – really get you – we love you.

My friend- you are on a mission and a fine one. If you bland your message or dumb it down to appeal to everyone it would not be any good! You have courage and talent. Don’t allow the ridiculous “be politically correct” culture to change your vision. Somehow in this great ol’ USA people have forgotten that if they don’t like what they see, hear or read they have a CHOICE and can turn it off, change the channel, turn the page or otherwise dismiss what they don’t like or disagree with. Instead they expect you to change your message to match theirs! Follow your heart and do what you do. You will be just fine!! XOXO

Love when you come to the party, SDW. I do not know what I’d do without you at times. And that’s the truth, Ruth. (Even though your name’s not Ruth.)
You’re amazing. Thank you for everything and for always. (Because you know I will always need you.)

I love how you can put into words what I’m thinking, but just don’t know how to say it. I really enjoy your blog and I love how your not PC all the time.
On a completely different note, I was thinking about you a couple weeks ago. I am not a camper, I actually hate everything about camping, however my kids kindergarten teacher decided to take the entire kindergarten on an overnight camping trip. Of course parents had to come with. It was a two mile hike along a beach to the campground. I live in Alaska so it was still cold and rainy here. But when we finally got there it was so amazing. The cabins were great, my kids loved all the activities and there was good food. Everyone working at the camp was so positive and kind. I thought of you and wondered what it would be like to live there all summer. Probably pretty neat. I mean for someone else because I still hate camping, but I can see how fufilling it could be.

Ok, first of all, I hate camping. No. No, thank you. Why would I sleep outside, on the ground, when there are beds available? I mean, UGH. No. My back!! But all the other stuff you mentioned, YES YES YES. I love that your kids loved it all. I bet it’s so beautiful, I have never been to Alaska but I can only imagine how pretty it is.

The came you went to sounds a lot like our camp! (I love the food too.) Our campers leave for camping trips but I do not go with them. I’m sad when they leave, and happy when they come back, but I don’t go. It’s so funny that you brought this up because last night I was out with my friends and my girlfriend’s son just came up to camp (our camp) with his 5th grade class and he couldn’t get over the toilets. The water was kind of rusty/brown and it totally freaked him out. We have well water up at camp and that, mixed with cabin bathrooms that are 60 years old, will do that to a toilet. 🙂 I love that only after a few days you got to see the benefits of camp. If you ever want to come visit us, I will take you on a great tour and I promise to save the bathrooms for last!!

I am so happy you popped up today. It always makes me happy when I see your name. Thank you so much, Liz!!

I have never read your blog without laughing out loud several time (except for the sad posts. I don’t laugh at those because I’m not a jerk).

People getting offended is not a sign that you’re wrong or that they’re wrong. It’s a sign that they don’t have the same sense of humour as you. (Though, your brown sugar comment made me snort hot coffee out of my nose. Which was unpleasant but totally worth it.)

Um…Laura…had I gotten these wise words A WEEK AGO, I probably wouldn’t have struggled like I did. WHERE WERE YOU, GIRL?? Seriously, that really would have been the perfect thing for me to say, or at least sit with. You nailed it. In on sentence. They just didn’t have the same sense of humor as me. Some of them were referring to me as a racist and couldn’t believe I had adopted from China. It was insane.

I’m glad I’m past it and it probably worked out for the best because now I have a lay of the land. And also, everyone now knows how I feel about black guys… 🙂 🙂 XOXOO Thank you!!!!

Robyn, as a fellow China mommy and a fellow thick-skinned writer, I like your blog. You make me laugh and since I am frequently told I have no sense of humor you should take that as a huge compliment. I have seen your blog critiqued on some adoptive parent forums lately…I see your point and I can also see why some adoptive parents don’t care for your posts about adoption. Be like Popeye and say “I YAM WHAT I YAM” and own it. You clearly write as who you are and if people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. Right?

Hi Jill,
Your comment is so perfectly proportioned. I mean, I’m not trying to get super symbolic or anything but the way it’s written is like a pair of bifocals– which is perfect judging from your email address. In any event, I’m glad you came on today. It makes me sad that one person or a whole group of people might not care for my posts (from the adoptive world or otherwise) but I’m not for everyone. I know that, but it still is kind of a bummer. It’s like how you would feel if someone didn’t like you and you didn’t understand why. I understand, but I don’t.

But, what are you gonna do? Like you said…”Popeye.”

Again, I truly appreciate your time and perspective very much. You are just good. And please know that I am always, always open to suggestions. I just can’t make any promises on the outcome.

But I’m always open and always learning and I hope I see you again, RJAB. 🙂
r

If you change anything about this blog it would not be authentic. Don’t listen to a few uptight people that live in a tiny box. We don’t want someone that lives in a box we want you “just the way you are”!

I don’t know you but I think I get you! I randomly came across your blog on Facebook and I’m so glad I did. I appreciate your honesty and your humor and I think I take what you write in the spirit with which it was intended. So I hope you’ll ignore the noise and keep it up just the way you are.

Becky! Your timing is so perfect. (I am literally sighing with relief right now.) Do you know how validating your comment is? The fact that you just “met” me and you’re still OK with me means EVERYTHING to me. I was really starting to question whether or not I was conveying my voice properly, but you seem awesome and cool and normal and smart and you are getting me, so thank you.

I would take ONE of you over 20 people who can’t stand me any day. TRUTH.

I write, too. Before I publish I just check in with people whose opinions really matter to me in case they see something in it I should consider addressing differently or even, as some have said, “It’s good but somebody out there is going to crucify you for it.”

Anyhow, when the people in my life who matter support me I just remember the words of Davy Crokett- “You can all go to Hell, And I will go to Texas.”

That is the greatest thing EVER, Kim. EVER.
You know how every once in awhile someone tells you something that you never forget?
That is one of those things. Thank you for that.
I wish Davy Crockett could be my editor. 🙁
So happy you came by today. I’m taking that line with me forever.

Robyn,
So glad you are back..I know I am a little slow to say that but I’ve been busy the last three months settling into parenthood with a toddler. Tougher than I thought. Your blog has always made me laugh (and cry..). You can’t please everyone..,,your blog is for your girls not some random person you’ve never met (me included) and people have a choice not to read what you post. People are quick to bully when they can be anonymous..,majority of them wouldn’t be so outraged if they had to talk with you face to face. Glad you have a thick skin and you keep blogging.

I’m so happy to see you back, Shannon. I can only imagine your lifestyle right now. I know what a difficult time that is, and you always just feel tired and dirty, no matter what. Sorry. You probably didn’t need that, but I’m too tired to go back and delete it.

I’m just glad you’re back. I hope when you have time you’ll come by. I have always loved your energy and I truly appreciate you taking the time today to send me kind words. I know your time is limited so please know how much I appreciate it.

LOVE to read your blogs! You are real and that’s what makes you so much fun to read. I guess you just can’t please everyone but they can choose to leave. I can totally relate to you and always look forward to a new post!!!

You are correct, K-Man! No one has to stay if they don’t want to. It’s the people who want to be here that make it what it is, and make it so much for me to write. You are amazing and I’m lucky to have you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I know the comment part is kind of a pain. There’s like steps involved and stuff. UGH. Thank you!!!

I heard of your blog a couple of months ago through the lovely Katie Collins.I have been reading it since and have loved it. I like how straightforward you are and find all your blogs hilarious. Keep writing just the way you have been – its great. Who cares about other people? By the way, I love me some brown sugar too.

Kayla!! I love that you got here through Katie!! You know we call her Georgia, right? MY GIRL!!! Well, you must be incredibly awesome if you are in her life. I am so happy that you are here. You know I love your generation. I still think I’m PART of your generation, but I’m not. I’m an old bag of $h&# next to you guys but whatever, ask Georgia, I can hang. How can I get more people your age? I don’t know, I might call you on an Georgia to help me.

I love that you took the time to comment. You don’t even know. It made me smile hard. I also love that you’re here. We had Georgia for 2 summers so she has had to hear A LOT of my stories. OMG. Stay with me, girl. I’m so happy you’re here. Tell Georgia I said “BOOM” and brown sugar forevs, baby!

You’re very pretty, always funny, kind, considerate and remarkably fit for a person who consumes so much cake. Keep it up. Those that matter love you. You’re the type of writer that will open the eyes of those that want to keep them shut. (You can needlepoint that on a pillow).

Oh, Segal. Segal, Segal. You think I don’t remember your blog name? Well, I do. It really is a good one so I like to bring it to your attention when I can. I like you to know HOW GOOD it is.

Let’s do needlepoint when we move back downstate. I am missing you terribly but I love knowing that you read so you’re still pretty caught up in our lives. I’m sorry that I have no idea what is going on in yours. I suck that way. But you know I love you HARD and if we needlepoint pillows, I promise not to stuff your face in one.

Seriously? Get a grip people!!! If you don’t like it, leave. That is my opinion and I’m happy to share it. I’ve been blogging since before my daughter came home from China in 2005. I have been attacked on my blog too. Usually the people who do it are cowards and don’t leave a name or email. (I don’t blog much any more because I just don’t have the time.) I don’t apologize for being me. You shouldn’t either! I like what you write. If we lived closer, I’m sure my kids would be corrupting your kids and they would be having a great time at it! Don’t stop being you!

Another thought, for those with a problem about your blog and/or parenting style…

I like the online adoption community. They are a wealth of knowledge and resources.

They are also, as a general rule, really humourless when it comes to adoption. I bought it, hook, line and sinker. I started to become less myself when talking about our adoption. No room for humour! THIS IS TOUGH STUFF! Rawr.

Sure, some things are never funny. Abandonment isn’t funny. The loss isn’t funny. But the online adoption community really seems to never move past those things. Nothing about their kid in relation to adoption is ever funny because their first few months or years were so tragic. And while I can see how that can be a natural progression, honestly… I think they do their kids a disservice with that mentality.

Robyn, your blog has honestly given me the confidence to be MYSELF while adopting. Which means offending some people with inappropriate jokes from time to time, and it means stepping back from the online adoption community. But as long as Dim Sum and Doughnuts is around, I think I’ll be OK. 🙂

I swear on everything in my life that I am keeping this comment forever. Had I known there were others out there, I might not have even bothered with my struggle, and writing that whole post, but it’s probably better that it worked out this way. I’m sure there was a reason for it. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m glad you came on. I know commenting is a kind of a pain but your comment is a game changer for me.

YOU NAILED IT.

Now I’m thinking it might be cool to start an online adoption community room on FB for people like us. (We can have Kelly Clarkson do the theme song…you know that song? “People Like Us…” —Now it’s stuck in my head. But I like it, so I guess it’s OK.)I have to think about this, but there might be a need. Your comment is SO me thought that I’m kind of freaking out and my heart is beating really fast. Just knowing there is someone else out there that isn’t making the adoption ALL about the adoption makes me so happy. I always thought of Frankie as my kid, who just HAPPENS to be adopted.

You’re amazing, Laura. Just know that. You’re all kinds of good, sister, and I’m so happy you are here.
I need to think about this online adoption room. What if me and you are the only people in it? Table for 2, please!
XOXOXO R

Laura’s comment directly above is truly all that matters. You gave her a gift, through your writing, of her being able to be herself. So keep on keeping on with your foul-mouthed, fun-loving, cake-eating, Bendel’s hoarding, “house looks like a Pinterest catalog” self girlfriend. xoxo
p.s. Do you Martha Stewart up your cabin at camp too? Just curious

Right, James?? Laura’s comment is stellar!!! And now I’m cracking up over your comment because you are just SO YOU. Why do you know me SO WELL? I just saw Steve Rosen the other day and we were talking about who we keep in touch with and I told him that I miss you every day. And it’s true. Should I take pics of the cabin? It is very cozy. You will probably love it. I have done ZERO of the décor, it’s all Cody. I don’t like to mess with camp too much. I have some Eminem pics up though. But that’s really it. I’ll do pics when I get up there. That’s such a good idea! See? You’re still so damn smart. It’s annoying.

Some people just don’t see humor. They need to find something sinister in every word. Laura’s comment above really nails it – the adoption community as a whole is quite humorless. They take things that are funny and learning experiences and turn them into big THINGS THAT WILL SCAR YOUR CHILD FOR LIFE kind of things.

I think Frankie is pretty lucky to have a hip mama who isn’t afraid to put herself out there but who also has the grace to say mea culpa.

Rene,
People like you make me feel like “it’s not just me.” Thank you. I have never really second guessed myself until I saw all the stuff people were saying about me. I have now learned NOT to read comments unless they are directed at me and I have learned that even though part of the reason I do the blog is to let others know that they are not alone, it’s really the same that you are all doing for me.

You are amazing and I appreciate you taking the time to comment so much. I read it 3 times.
For realz.

I laughed about 10 times reading this post, and then I wanted to come to your defense immediately, but you know…you don’t need that. You write what comes from your heart, your life, and you are sharing things that crack alot of people up (including me!)

Annie!
Such the best comment. I was nervous because sometimes when I get a comment a few days after the post goes out, it’s not a nice one. From beginning to end, thank you for yours! I love that the post made you laugh in spite of the subject matter. You are FAMILY when that happens.

Your blog, BTW, is beautiful. I want you to do mine. Those pictures are amazing. Should I read “Gone Girl?” I am so behind with stuff I’m dying to read, but I keep hearing about it.

Those cupcakes… I know. Believe me. I know. I bought two for my kids yesterday and ate one on the WAY HOME.

Just keep on doing what you do, Robyn. There are so many of us that keep all those little secrets out of fear of the ill-humored haters. Which is why we don’t tell them about the four o’clock gin and tonics or the time I sent Kiddo out in the snowstorm for a few minutes because he wouldn’t stop nagging me to get out there or how we let him whisper a swear word to us in our ears when he is really, really mad or that he told me I ‘deserved a beer’ for Mother’s Day. Really, how many of us are truly reprobate mothers in disguise? Our kids are still happy, cared for, still love us- we are all just making our way through this whole ‘raising our kids’ business, let’s try to have a sense of humor about it.

Personally, if I was trying to be one of those always-offended perfect parents I’d probably have to drink a lot more to get through that. 🙂

Keep on writing, Robyn. And remember, as Dav Pilkey wrote in “Captain Underpants and the Revolting Revenge of the Radioactive Robo-Boxers” (page 16) “It’s fun to feel offended, isn’t it?” All feelings are okay, it’s what you do with them that matters. I saw that poster a therapists office and had it in my toddler classroom. Same difference in some cases.

Hazel!!! Don’t even think that your last like was missed by me because it wasn’t. It was the perfect ending to yet, another perfect comment. While it was happening, I was so caught between your kind of thinking (same as mine) or what the haters were saying. But now, I am so WHATEVER with them. Like you said, I just need to do my thing and hope that as the haters rise to the surface, the supporters will too.

Thank you for always being so supportive and amazing. You always manage to know exactly what I’m trying to say, even if I’m having trouble with it. You are, and will forever be, one of my faves, and I only hope that others see what you have to say because you are THE SHIZ.

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[…] to see her start a flame war and then put it out, check out one of my favorite posts of hers titled I Am Who I Am. You’ll either laugh or be ticked off—I promise you one extreme or the other. Oh, and to see […]