Anger: The Inner Teacher

Anger can show us who we really are and how we cope with frustration. Here are 14 tools for mastering this powerful and potentially destructive trait.

Anger is one of the most destructive traits. It can harm us and others
spiritually, physically, emotionally, and socially.

The Talmud says that anger, powerful and negative though it is, can also
serve as our teacher. Anger can show us who we really are, what's important to us, and how we cope with adversity and frustration. We can learn from anger and, in the process, master not only it, but also ourselves.

We are not doomed to repeat our tantrums and indignation, constantly and endlessly. We can change. As long as we are alive we can choose to correct the way we live.

Anger is a natural human emotion. Refining and transcending it provides us
with the opportunity to become the type of human being we wish to be.

There are many tools and techniques that will either prevent anger in the
first place or will enable you to calm down after you have become angry.

Here are some practical tools to help purge anger from ourselves.
Familiarize yourself with them and experiment to see what works best for
you. Be creative and create your own variations.

TOOL #1 - WHAT HAS WORKED IN THE PAST?

First of all, think of what has worked for you in the past. When you have
been able to overcome anger quickly, how did you do it? Even if it took you
a long time to overcome your anger, when you finally let it go, how did you
do it? Some people eventually tell themselves, "This anger is just harming
me and wasting my time. It isn't worth it." Then they are able to mentally
move on. If you can do this, then practice giving yourself this message
earlier on. Some people tell this to themselves after just a few moments of
anger, and you can too.

Keep a journal of self-mastery. Every time you successfully handle a
difficult situation write down how you handled it. Writing down successes
will remind you of what you can do.

TOOL #2 - LEARN FROM EVERYONE

A wise person learns from everyone (Ethics of the Fathers 4:1). Learn from
people who are able to remain calm in situations that get you angry; learn
from people who are able to let go of their anger easily. Ask them how they
do it. Ask them questions such as:

- "What made you able to stay so calm? How did you view the situation?"

- "How did you handle this so well?"

- "What approaches or techniques have you found helpful?"

Most people will be glad to share any strategies they have found helpful.

TOOL #3 - COUNT FROM ONE TO TEN

The classic way to give anger a chance to subside before speaking is to
count from one to ten. Some people count from one to 20 and some need to get
all the way up to 50. This can be even more beneficial when the words "more
and more relaxed" are repeated after each number. Or you might find that
repeating the words "centered and balanced," or "patience and humility," or
"serenity and compassion," between each number will have a calming effect.
By practicing when you are not angry, this technique will have a more
relaxing effect when you need it.

It is almost guaranteed that any anger will have cooled somewhat by the end
of the counting. This makes it easier to rationally decide on the right
move. At times remaining silent and letting the issue pass is the wisest
choice; at other times it is preferable to speak. The clearer your mind, the
better chance you have of making a wise choice.

TOOL #4 - BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY

Breathe slowly and deeply to access calming states and release stress and
anger. As soon as you notice that you are feeling angry, breathe slowly and
deeply. Exhale slowly. As you exhale, feel all the anger, frustration, and
stress being blown out.

When you breathe in slowly and deeply, feel the fresh oxygen energizing you
and giving you greater feelings of serenity. Feel grateful for being alive
and for each breath of air. If your mind wanders, calmly bring it back to
watching your breathing. One try is all it takes to prove how highly
effective this technique is. Be patient. Some people take only four or five
breaths and claim it doesn't work. Be willing to keep this up for 10 to 20
minutes in instances of strong anger. As you practice this form of
breathing, it works faster.

TOOL #5 - LET OFF STEAM BY WALKING, DANCING, GARDENING

Seek healthy ways to let off steam when you become angry. Physical exercise
releases anger. Take a brisk walk, run, dance, or engage in other exercises
such as jumping with a rope or on a mini-trampoline. This will dissolve
stress, frustration, and anger.

One Torah scholar even said that dancing to release anger can be termed
"rikud shel mitzvah," a form of dance that is a mitzvah!

For some people, gardening releases stress and anger. Attacking weeds is
much better than attacking people.

TOOL #6 - GO TO THE BALCONY

If you are in a situation that could easily get you angry, mentally go to
the balcony. That is, imagine that you are watching the scene from a distant
balcony. This will enable you to emotionally dissociate yourself from what
is happening. You are able to observe the entire scene as an outside
observer and will therefore find it much easier to remain calm.

Some people even imagine that they are in a balcony watching themselves in
the audience watching themselves on stage. This is a double dissociation and
if you try it you will see that it allows you to observe an otherwise anger-provoking scene as if you were watching the entire scene in a play. From
this perspective you will be able to think much more clearly and rationally.

When you are not involved emotionally, you can coolly observe the other
person's words and pattern of thought as if he were talking to someone else.
This is a skill that many professional negotiators use to remain objective
in difficult negotiations. When you master the ability to become an
objective observer, you will even be able to enjoy watching yourself in a
scene that used to get you angry.

A good example of when to use this is during discussions with someone who is
very mistrustful and tends to be suspicious that the other person is trying
to cheat or deceive him. When we are accused of ulterior motives, most
people feel hurt and often angry. But by going up to the balcony and
watching the other person as if he were an actor on stage it becomes easy to
ask, "What is this person's pattern?"

When we are aware that someone's brain constantly warns him, "Danger,
someone might be cheating you," we won't take his accusations personally.
Even though we won't necessarily like what he is saying, we will have the
freedom to take a more objective look at the situation and choose our
strategy.

TOOL #7 - STAY OUT IN THE CAR AND SEND IN AN ACTOR PLAYING PSYCHIATRIST

A highly successful sales consultant with a sense of humor gives the
following advice to anyone wanting to be more effective when trying to
influence others: "Stay in your car. Don't go out 'yourself' to meet someone
who might be hostile or intimidating. While 'you' are sitting calmly in the
car, send in 'an actor playing psychiatrist.'

A psychiatrist doesn't get offended or thrown off balance by what anyone
says. Since you are only an actor playing a psychiatrist, you are even more
emotionally safe. Your feelings of safety are increased by the consciousness
that the 'real you' is sitting peacefully in the car."

Look forward to the next time you will need to interact with someone who
might possibly provoke your anger, and experiment with this approach. It's
amazingly effective for anyone who has a basic knowledge of how to interact
well with others, but whose fear or anger prevents that knowledge from being
accessed. Seeing yourself as an "actor playing psychiatrist" lets you access
more of your knowledge.

TOOL #8 - TORAH MEDITATIONS

A meditative approach is to repeat either of the following two verses over
and over again as you breathe slowly and deeply.

A. "Ein od milvado - There is nothing else besides God" (Deut. 4:35). Rabbi
Chaim of Volozhin wrote that there is tremendous power in repeating this
verse as a meditation. Reflecting on the profound concept of this verse
causes anger to disappear.

B. "Yehi ohr - Let there be light" (Genesis 1:3). As you repeat this verse
think about how the entire planet was in total darkness until these two
words were said by the Creator. Feel the Creator's light entering you and
calming your muscles and cells from head to toe. Visualizing this light will
have a wonderful effect on your nervous system, and will melt anger.

TOOL #9 - WATCH YOURSELF IN A MIRROR, OR LISTEN TO YOURSELF

One cure for anger is to see and hear yourself as others see and hear you
when you are angry. Decide that the next time you get angry you will go to
look at yourself in a mirror. There is an ugliness to anger, and especially
if you contrast it with the way you look when you smile, it will strongly
motivate you to do whatever you can to conquer anger.

You might want to ask someone in your family or office to record you the
next time you lose your temper. Give them permission in advance to tape you
surreptitiously so that you can later hear exactly how you sound to others.
When you are calm, listen to the tape.

TOOL #10 - WRITE A LETTER, BUT DON'T SEND IT

Write an angry letter without sending it. Write down all your angry thoughts
in a letter addressed to the person you are angry at. Since you are not
going to send the letter, you can express yourself more spontaneously and
less tactfully.

Then make certain to tear the letter up into little pieces. Make absolutely
certain that no one else will see the letter you have written. Expressing
yourself in writing will release some of your pent-up anger in a harmless
way.

Important note: Even if you haven't finished writing all that you wanted to
say, tear up the letter if you have to leave the room. You can always repeat
yourself in the next imaginary letter. The harm caused by someone else
mistakenly seeing words written to alleviate your own pain can be grievous.
So is the harm of expressing angry thoughts and words that are not filtered
with tact and a focus on your goal.

TOOL #11 - FOCUS ON GOOD QUALITIES

If someone has done something to you that you feel angry about, focus on
some good quality of that person. That person might have done you favors in
the past, he might have done much good for other people, or he might have
certain virtues that you respect. Even though you don't appreciate the way
he interacts with you, you can still respect him for the positive things he
has done in his life (Tomer Devorah, ch. 1).

When you are angry at someone, your focus is limited to what he said or did
that got you angry. Try focusing on what is positive about this person, you
will have a more balanced perspective and will find it easier to say things
to resolve the issue at hand.

TOOL #12 - WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE SOMEONE ELSE?

When you become angry, ask yourself, "What would advise another person in a
similar situation?" It is much easier to tell other people reasons why they
needn't be angry. Viewing the situation as if you were talking to another
person might help you find a better way of looking at it.

A similar idea is to ask yourself, "What would a wise person tell me right
now?" You might think of a particular wise person you know or have read
about. Imagine what he or she would tell you. This will help you access
knowledge that you already have stored in the wondrous database in your
brain but might not have thought of without this approach.

TOOL #13 - IMAGINE A LARGE CROWD

If you are angry at someone, imagine a tremendously large crowd cheering you
for your self-mastery as you courageously remain silent until you feel
calmer. Since you are creating this crowd in your mind, you have the ability
to create a crowd of millions cheering for you with intense enthusiasm. Some
people increase the effects of this imagery by playing a tape with a crowd
cheering and mentally imagining that they are shouting words of
encouragement. Imagine what it would be like to win a trophy for
self-mastery.

TOOL #14 - DEVELOP PERSPECTIVE

Develop a sense of proportion. When something is about to get you angry, ask
yourself, "How important is this in my life?"

Other questions that will help you get a more accurate sense of proportion
are:

- "What is my actual loss?"

- "Why is what happened not really so awful?"

- "How will I look at this in a week from now? In a year from now? In ten
years from now?"

- "How could this be worse?"

And the final question:
- "In the scheme of the entire universe, how important is this?"

Excerpted with permission from "Anger: The Inner Teacher" by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. Published by ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications Ltd., Brooklyn, NY.

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About the Author

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin is a noted psychologist and prolific author of 24 books, including Guard Your Tongue, Gateway to Happiness, Gateway to Self Knowledge, Love Your Neighbor, Growth Through Torah, The Power of Words, Consulting the Wise, and the recent Life is Now. Rabbi Pliskin lives in Jerusalem, and is the director of Aish HaTorah's Counseling Center and a senior lecturer at Aish's Essentials program and the Executive Learning Center. He was ordained at the Telshe Yeshiva in Ohio and holds a degree in Counseling Psychology.

Visitor Comments: 19

I'm having greater success with conquering anger since I bought this book than anything I've ever owned. If only I knew the good Rabbi would mention my name in prayer or remember me at the wall.

(18)
Bill Sydnor,
March 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Anger's Source is Powerlessness

"The source of all anger is powerlessness." The reason we anger is because we suddenly find we cannot do anything about something that has happened. We have temporarily lost our power to act. Once you know this to be true, you will find it much easier to release from anger and its destructive force.

(17)
Jereme Scott,
January 20, 2004 12:00 AM

The best advise!

We often look at various ways to feel anger, thanks for the insight and tools to help deal with anger in the real world.

(16)
betty,
January 24, 2003 12:00 AM

thank you for dealing in an idealistic way about this

I need this in my life right now, and at 59 years old I've always needed it. I pray for God's help in causing me to remember these simple but great things.

(15)
Cathy,
January 16, 2003 12:00 AM

EXCELLENT

I love # 6 & # 12. Easy article to read and pass along to others

(14)
Barbara Karlton,
January 12, 2003 12:00 AM

I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading your articles. I keep them in a folder and, when I have time I read them. Just what I need. Thank you so much.

(13)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2003 12:00 AM

great ideas

i think that idea of writing on a piece fo paper is perfect for me. i really feel this one would really work .

(12)
devin lafayette,
January 8, 2003 12:00 AM

OH how it saddens me how so little of society understands or respects us jewish people- How they mutilate our identity with mocking voice impersonations, sum us up as big nosed bagel eaters, or ofcourse -(the pitiful favorite)see us only as stingy with our money. When the ALL TOO TRUE TRUTH is that there is an undeniable spiritual threading of brilliant wit and endless devotion for GOD in so many of us ( I have not met a jewish person yet , even those unfocused, who have not had that "threading of something that i can only describe as ancient and of GOD- even if it be unbeknownst to them at the time- I've always noticed it working through some aspect of the jewish personality. We are not stupid in any way- I read the articles on this website all the time and am compelled to write in ( and that is so not me) to praise the Rabbis for getting it SO RIGHT in their spiritual offerings. It is literally like listening to myself think. Long live the eternally misunderstood Jewish people...

(11)
Gershon in London,
January 8, 2003 12:00 AM

being personally understood for employment

These articles are are a briliant theraputic way of helping ones anger.

Though-how does one contain oneself when people misunderstand ones status or sdituations and allow this to act as a block for employment thereby causing some understandable anger and resentments.This probabaly calls for further professional ideas and maybe some sort of forum to share ideas and better ways to help others.

(10)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2003 12:00 AM

An addition to Tool #4

Once when I was in an extreme state of anger I tried sipping on cold water. The relief I got was remarkable!

(9)
Michael,
January 6, 2003 12:00 AM

Wonderful article Rabbi Pilskin.

It says it all.

(8)
Genny,
January 6, 2003 12:00 AM

re: anger management

Instead of writing a letter and not mailing it, I journal the episodes that make me angry or upset ... then I can see a pattern that may need correcting, whether it's a weakness on my part or influence from others that handle the chaos in their own lives by transferring it to others.

Hi i think this web psge is realy helpful to students my self.so keep it up!!

(5)
Karen,
January 6, 2003 12:00 AM

This covers all bases!

Loved this article. I especially related to writing letters of anger and then destroying them. Worked miracles. Of course, what worked even more was really seriously studying Torah. My life has never been the same.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2003 12:00 AM

inspiring anfd thought provoking

enjoyed this as I got pointlessly angry the other night!!!

(3)
Ben Gruen,
January 6, 2003 12:00 AM

How to calm yourself when you are angry.

I like this article because I always get into fights and now I know how to react.

(2)
Sheri Graffius,
January 5, 2003 12:00 AM

This article was helpful

I found this article to have very helpful information. The article not only talked about the problem of anger but gave a number of helpful idea's to help me calm down. I will save this for future use.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2003 12:00 AM

Write a letter

Writing a letter to vent your anger was an old Scottish tool when I was young in my native land. We were told to write one expressing our feelings and post it up the 'lum.' (chimney.) Presumably it went up in smoke and was supposed to take the bad feelings with it. Getting away from the cause of the anger is about the only thing that works, I believe. If you have a dog take your dog for a walk or - better still - to a park where it can run loose. At least observing another creature's happiness will surely lessen the grip the anger has on you.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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