New Emojis: I Second that Emotion

Here are a bunch of new emojis you’ll use every day.

There are a lot of emotions that go into texting, many of them involving frustration. And one of the downsides of texting is that, for such an informal means of communication, it’s hard to convey sarcasm. Or happiness. This is something people complain about all the time. “It’s hard to convey tone in a text message,” they say. I know. I’ve written almost 700 humor articles, and the vast majority of them are received by readers with absolutely no idea how to react emotionally.The issue with texting is that you’re not giving the other person a face he can see to gauge which emotion you want him to feel. So you want to at least send them a picture of a face. It doesn’t even have to be your face. It could be Pac Man’s.

Hence the invention of emojis. And it turns out that smiley faces have more emotions than just smiling. Who knew? Apparently, this smiley face guy is a real fake person with real feelings such as sadness , worry , confusion , disappointed relief , sushi , and levitating man in a business suit.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling eggplant.”

There’s no instruction manual. You just get rows and rows of pictures, and everyone uses whatever emojis they want to put together sentences, and that’s great, but technically you have to remember that there’s supposed to be some kind of communication here, and no one knows what you’re saying if you just start making things up .

So here are a bunch of emojis, along with their actual meanings that convey messages you might find yourself using every day:

The nose job did not go as planned.

I have a migraine.

“This tastes like Vaseline.”

“Tekiyah!”

“Am I wearing too much makeup?”

“He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”

“Happy Purim! I’m way more think than you drunk I am.”

“Have you seen my top hat? And the other half of my glasses?”

“The teacher’s blocking the board.”

“I thought you were supposed to bring the feather and the candle.”

“Should I be inhaling this stuff?”

“How do I keep this thing from sliding down?”

“Coffee…”

“Why does my hand smell like tuna fish?”

Lag Ba’Omer.

“Get out of the boat.”

“Duck!”

“We’re not having soup.”

“But it fits in tight parking spots!”

“Where do the criminals sit?”

“Man overboard!”

“Let’s clean the oven for Pesach!”

“I’m ready to check the lettuce.”

“I have an old-timey phone.”

“I found your contact lens.”

“I’ve got a lot of balls up in the air at the moment.”

”You’re being nosey.”

“The tie came with the shirt.”

“I was born yesterday.”

“Is there a cover for this thing?”

“I can’t find the scissors.”

“You’re getting an Aliyah.”

Reusable cloth bags

Invisible karate man

“We lost the othe..r one.”

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Young Israel

Yeshiva dorm

“How did this tree get here?”

“The GPS is down.”

“Who?”

“You didn’t say when.”

“We were out of birthday candles, so I used Shabbos candles.”

Kreplach.

“Why do restaurants not cut the veggies all the way?”

“I have rugelach.”

“I’m going to be king of Egypt someday.”

“I need a tissue.”

Why did I come in here?

“Wipe that smirk off your face, or I’ll wipe it off for you.”

“Teenager.”

“Your breath is so bad I can smell it through the phone.”

“Whose thumbs are these?”

“I think I stepped in the paint.”

“What?! I just got out of the shower.”

“I have a question.”

“Does this look infected?”

“Time to light Shabbos candles.”

“Come down. We’re making Havdallah.”

“I said don’t shake the table!”

“Something’s not quite kosher.”

Texting is a great tool sometimes, but just like emojis, if you overuse it, people will stay far away from you. Sometimes your friends want to speak to a person .

I said a PERSON .

Never mind. Point is, we’ve all seen people staring at their phones while driving, while doing that slow, crowded circle dance at weddings, and while jogging into telephone poles.

Um, why are there still telephone poles?

Apparently, they’re fighting back.

And it could be you’re doing something really important on that phone. But to everyone around you, you just look like this .

About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, Cholent Mix, and What Is This - Some Kind of Joke? all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...