Thursday, April 19, 2007

Mom-101 Guest Post: Worship the Belly.

Burlesque blogging? Seriously? That is my assignment as I guest blog for the great Bad Mother. And yet...

Seriously?

These days the closest you want to get this pregnant woman to a stripper pole is an episode of the Sopranos. Nudity around these parts constitutes the 18 minutes it takes for me to get my underwear up over my hips after a shower. And the dirtiest thoughts on my mind? How best to, er...put toilet paper to its God-intended use, considering the unfortunate relationship of my belly size to arm length.

None of which bode well for a good raunchy/dirty/titillating (heh) post, as requested.Now if HBM had caught me in the second trimester, I was dreaming of orgasmic romps with the likes of Jon Stewart, Bill Clinton, and Danny Bonaduce. There could have been some blog fodder in there for sure. But nope. These late third trimester days there is little sleeping, which means little dreaming-- of the sexual kind or otherwise.

But just because I'm not dreaming about sex doesn't mean that people are not dreaming about sex with me.

(And HBM, advance apologies for your google searches for the rest of eternity.)

A quick poke (heh) around the CL personals yielded the following very nice sentiment:

I hope to find a pregnant woman who is in need of a casual lover. Your age, race, size, and marital status are unimportant to me, I just want to relish in the beauty of your form, and make love to the goddess that is a woman creating life.

And then there was this:I think pregnant women are incredibly sexy. If you're up eating pickles and ice cream while hubby is sound asleep, send me a note. Totally discreet.

Then they started getting weird: ISO Milky or Preggo Woman for a Good Boobs Massage

Or oddly specific: asian couple looking to play with girl or possibly couple.she is 5 montth pregnant and very horny.party favor friendly(t).so hurry and lets have fun

Vaguely appealing:Full-grown man, 42, is looking for a naughty pregnant girl for some fun. I'm good with massage too, in case your feet are a bit sore.

Um:There's something about clothes that are too small on a woman I really, really like. A little muffin top spilling out over jeans is hot. A bra over flowing with cleavage puts me over the edge. If you have recently gained weight, are pregnant, or for some reason are just filling out, I would really like to talk to you. I want you to try to fit into your old clothes for me .

Eek, getting scared:Are your breasts filled with milk? I love breast milk and would like to meet a lactating or pregnant woman for daytime feedings

And my favorite: ALL I WANT IS TO SEX A PREGNANT WOMAN TONIGHT.

Which, I mean...well, how can you resist?

So breeders present and future, take comfort. You may feel like your boobs are reaching new lows, your scale is hitting new highs, and your stretch marks are getting stretch marks. You may lose your thongs in your ass for days on end. You may be marring your face with streaky tears daily as you look up hemorrhoid treatments and excessive flatulence on the internet. You may be sprouting hairs in places that make you entirely certain of the man-ape connection.

But know that in the beautiful utopia called Craig's List, none of this matters. For there, you are a hot, sexy, glowing, wanton, wanted goddess of loooooove.

Sniff. Sort of warms the heart.

Or maybe that's just the acid reflux.

----

When Liz isn't here messing up her friend Catherine's perv-to-real reader ratio, she's over at her own place, Mom-101. Stop on by for a rollickin' good time. With your clothes on, please.

That was a huge boost to my ego: I am not a huge round waddling baby vessel, but rather a much desired commodity on Craig's List!

Mom-101, I'm a little disappointed at your divorcing yourself from the sexy topic, because I was just so impressed last week to learn that you and Nate have 20 minutes of "adult time" every morning. I now fear you are like the rest of us.

Oh dear. Well, whenever I get down in the dumps and unloved, at least I can know that there is Craig's List to turn to! Even though I'm not pregnant, there must be a market for tired moms of many kids whose boobs have deflated from years of nursing and who now have tummies of jello.

I suppose it's nice to know someone finds us sexy while pregnant. Of course, if I was insane and actually interested in any of those ads, I still wouldn't answer because my interest in sex is currently ranking somewhere between cleaning the litter boxes and removing a splinter.

Whoa. Crazy, crazy world... and what pregnant mom would really want to get together with some random guys/girls during that time? STD's PEOPLE!!! Can we please not expose the babies to strange semen????