Heat from under the collars of climate change deniers ‘adds to global warming’

Heat generated by apoplectic rage suffered by those who deny climate change is contributing to the planet becoming overheated, according to scientists. ‘Large groups of deniers, when brought together, can reach dangerously high temperatures, which adds to the problem of global warming,’ a report commissioned by the United Nations has found. ‘These are growing groups of largely middle aged men wearing heavy suits and ties. Faced with the facts about changes in the earth’s atmospheric conditions and the resulting damage that could be done to their share portfolios, they themselves overheat, and the chain reaction causes freak weather behaviour. And just freak behaviour.’

The report also warns of the danger of deniers triggering conflagrations of the kind seen in California and Australia. ‘The deniers visit woods and forests, get into arguments and claim science is on their side. This causes spontaneous pants-combustion which leads to the kind of fires that can wipe out communities.’ The report urges climate change deniers not to visit areas at risk from wildfire, or at least be prepared to wet their pants should the need arise, or even arse.

In a bizarre twist, deniers have got together with inventor James Dyson to neutralise the effects of DCH (Denial Collar Heat). ‘We group together say ten deniers in a special unit and show them pictures of wind turbines, bicycles, hybrid buses, salads and Sarah Lucas’, a Dyson spokesperson said. ‘The resulting heat from the deniers' instability is harvested, rather like that from solar panels, and turned into energy.’ It’s estimated the energy from one single unit could be enough to provide energy for a UKIP constituency office, should that party field a successful election candidate.