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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Was Larry Bird addicted to cocaine?! My baseless hot take NEXT! Right after this former NFL player gives you an update on NHL free agency...

Man, imagine if real life could be like Boston sports talk radio? Must be nice to create straw man arguments instead of actually doing work and speaking intelligently. Sounds like a pretty good gig, if you ask me. I mean, you definitely have to salute their dedication to laziness, if nothing else. Which is exactly I'll do, by providing you with the latest edition of my summertime smattering...

Oh, and Larry Bird wasn't really a coke head. So no worries there. Though there is new photographic evidence that he might very well indeed be SANTA CLAUS!! MY HOT TAKE NEXT, RIGHT AFTER I DUMP THIS WATER ON MY HEAD SO I DON'T GET ALZHEIMERS!!

Enjoy...

*Forgive me if it's sounds like I'm romancing the past. But Boston sports radio has officially gone the way of ESPN. Which is to say, they've abandoned their original core audience by EMBRACING DEBATE! and insisting on manufacturing sensational stories for the sake of sensationalism. A tactic which was hilariously exposed this week, when both WEEI's Kirk Minihane and The Sport Hub's Michael Felger embarrassingly created the same straw man argument in accusing Pedro Martinez of using performance enhancing drugs. And not only did they have the same ratings grab of a lukewarm take, but they both had the same tepid reasoning with which they backed up their dubious claims. A reasoning which, more or less, boiled down to the fact that Pedro was "too good" against known cheaters not to have been cheating himself. No evidence. No new "information". they just both decided that they'd throw a well liked public figure under the bus in an attempt to drive calls while Pedro's name was in the news (recently inducted in the Red Sox HOF)...

The Straw Man Cometh...

And it's sad. Because I'd be more than willing to listen to an informed discussion on whether or not Pedro, who's surrounded himself with some of the dirtiest trainers in professional sports yet was never named in any sort of report or investigation, was ever using performance enhancers. But that's not what either of these clowns really wanted to do. They just wanted to yell something controversial, work up the crazies, and hope it all translates into a slight bump in the ratings. Which it probably did, because The Big Bang Theory. Which is something I just say now when trying to politely rip the poor taste belonging to the connoisseurs of the canned laugh. Raise your standards, people. And please do it quickly, before every channel on the dial becomes an unholy combination of First Take and The View. Yep. That's where we're headed. I call it "The Big Ted Theory" ('First Ted' is also under consideration). It's gonna air right after The Big Bang Theory. Right before it, too. And at nighttime, that channel will merely run looped security footage of celebrities sleeping, and people picking thru said celebrities' trash cans for stuff that they can sell on the Interwebz. OR perhaps they'll try to sell them at a shady pawn shop, like this:

Oh, and just as I was searching for this video, I came across a story that Bleacher Report is getting it's own satellite radio channel. So, yeah. Looks like the end is already here. Though I'm sure B/R will prove a massive radio success. I mean, radio is ALL ABOUT not paying people for the work they do. So those mouth breathing click-baiters should fit right in...

So, yeah. Just some more commentary from my end on how one of my favorite vehicles for reliable and entertaining sports information has gone to Hell in an ice bucket...

*Speaking of unoriginal Teds whose only goal is to inspire the kids on the MyBook. Here are some more hot takes on the ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE, GUY! No, but here are two people that I think actual embody the spirit in which the challenge was originally started...

First, my good friend Kevin 'Frosco' Tomasso. Who was (perhaps) inspired to make the educational video above after my telling him that two people who had shunned me for not doing the challenge actually though that ALS was Alzheimer's Disease. OR maybe he just did it because he's actually a creative individual who REFUSES TO FOLLOW THE CROWD! Like a unitard. Wait, unitard? OR is it unicorn? Meh, whatever. He's a clever bastard. And you should all aspire to his level unitardity. Which definitely needs to be a word...

And then there's colon cancer survivor, Steve DeLuca. Whose great piece on ChicagoNow.com details his reasons for not accepting the challenge, despite his being an avid fundraiser and overall awareness-raiser. Reasons which mostly revolve around the fact that most people seem to be using what's supposed to be a charitable act to look cool in front of their friends. As so he so eloquently sums up right here:

Some people have focused on dumping the ice water rather than put the focus on spreading awareness. It has become a novelty stunt for laughs.“Watch me dump ice water over my head and scream!”I also wonder how many of the people that I am seeing are actually donating anything to an ALS organization. How many people in the videos even know the name of an ALS organization?

Clearly some people are donating money because ALS organizations are bringing in way more money now than in years past. That is an AWESOME thing! I am not trying to minimize that at all. I just don’t like the fact that this awareness campaign has become more about dumping ice water than the disease.

Yeah. That's been my beef all along, too. I just like the fact that it's coming from a cancer survivor like DeLuca, rather than a self righteous Ted like myself. Helps me sleep at night. Helps me look like less of a d-bag for taking my similar stance, too. OR at least it would be helping me if anyone I know actually read stuff that wasn't a list on BuzzFeed or a quiz to determine which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle you're supposed to be. (I'm Michelangelo, obviously. And anyone labeled 'Raphael' might as well just end it, right now. I mean, what a beat ass set of weapons, am I right? I'd much rather be an old rat that hangs in dark places with 4 young teens doing questionable things. Yeah. I'd much rather be Joe Paterno than Raphael)...

But, yeah. Just make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. OR at the very least, be creative. Like Frosco...or the Foo Fighters...

Freaking Dave Grohl. Is there anything that guy can't do? The answer is no. Which is the same answer I hope you all continue to give to the ice bucket challenge as it sputters out of the social consciousness...

*Pamela Smart was once a big piece of the social consciousness. With her having been the centerpiece of the nation's first "trial by media" when she was accused and convicted of hiring her teen lover and his friends to murder her 24-year old husband. Events which were chronicled in the latest installment of HBO's documentary series, entitled The Trials of Pamela Smart...

Now, as far as documentaries go, this one was a little light on "new information". But what it was able to accomplish was to show how slippery a slope a trial can tend to become once the media has essentially taken the role of judge, jury, and executioner. Something that we've now (unfortunately) come to expect from any major trial, but that hadn't ever been a factor until Smart's trial in the early 90's...

And that was the takeaway from this piece. Not that Smart might be innocent, which is something that the documentary heavily suggested. But that the second the media becomes involved (which has now become inevitable) it completely changes the dynamic of the trial. So check the film out, with that in mind. And I'm sure you'll find it yet another interesting case in which someone was (probably rightly) convicted based almost entirely on co-conspirator testimony and (probably even more so) a negative image that was well crafted by a ratings hungry media...

Actually, I lied. I had two other takeaways from the doc:

1) Apparently "Pame" is an acceptable spelling of "Pam". Which is just tilting as all Hell. I mean, it's not THE HALL OF PAME, is it? I didn't think so. Although who knows. Maybe in New Hampshire it is. They're odd bastards, up there. I wouldn't put it past 'em...

AND

2) You used to be able to get drugs sent to you in prison by having a friend chuck a drug filled Nerf football over the prison walls. Yeah, dude did it, and talked about it during the documentary. Had a vortex stuffed with coke that his boy would launch over the fence a couple times a week. Guards never caught on. Freakin' BRILLIANT! And you get a cool football to play with, too! OR to use as trade to avoid being raped in your drug induced state. Either way...

Oh, and word is that the "friend" was Larry Bird. But I'm still efforting to confirm those facts. And by "efforting", I naturally mean I'm just moving on...

*Rounding things out before I take a parting shot at the Red Sox, here's another friendly reminder to make this your place for handicapping advice through the upcoming professional and college football seasons. I'm a proven winner, after all. As the well documenTed records below will show. And I'm usually good for at least 1 pick each week that will fool your friends in your pick 'em league into thinking you're some sort of genius. I also come up with quirky themes and whimsical photos like the one above, making it just an all around good 'ole Interweb experience. Something you COULD actually write home about. You know, if your father were Al Gore...

And just wrapping up, I'd feel remiss if I didn't express my frustration with the way the Red Sox are handling their younger players. Not sure if they're merely rushing their guys to the Bigs, OR if they're just bad at development and evaluation. But the lack of traction their highly touted prospects have been able to get at the big league level has officially become a major concern. Whether it's Will Middlebrooks, or the man whose recent demotion helped spark this rant, Jackie Bradley Jr. None of these guys seem to stick with any sort of reliability...

And it's not like it's just the Red Sox saying these guys will be good, either. And that's the real concern. Because if that were the case, then we could just say that they're inflating their own guys' value. But it's not the case. These are highly touted and sought after prospects, yet they seem to fall flat when they get to Boston. And that's a major problem. I mean, I think we all know that this team is going to win by spending more money than most of their opponents. But when everyone also knows that a decent chunk of that payroll will either underperform or find it's way to the DL, it becomes important to really make sure you get players on the cheap from your own system that can help you win games. Something the Red Sox haven't been able to do. And it's a shortcoming that's making this lost season seem even more like a failure than the team's dismal record even represents...

But, hey. At least their in the running for the next Cuban superstar. Ahhhhh YES! CUBAN B! I hope they make Red Sox hats where it says that, too. You know, where it says "Cuban" but then there's the Red Sox signature "B"? OR maybe just a Red Sox hat with Sampson Simpson's head on it. Either way, sign me up. For both the potentially impactful player AND the potentially racist novelty paraphernalia...

Other than that, I'm tapped out. Hope you're all enjoying what's left of your Summer, and I'll catch you Teds next time. Be good...