HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a recent tour of Universal Studios, Donald Trump told his supporters at a press conference, “It’s a disgrace in there. Every stage I saw has only three walls. I love Hollywood, but that’s no way to run a business. You can’t run a business with missing walls.” Trump was informed that stages have traditionally been made without the extra wall, but they are usually understood as being there by everyone involved.

After hearing that it allows audiences to see what goes on and sometimes interact with the actors, Trump replied that audiences don’t need to know what’s going on. “What happens on stage is nobody else’s business. Actors don’t need audiences. You get an audience in there, and members start sneaking over stage borders. They’re really notorious for stealing actors’ lines and scenes. You can’t trust audiences. When I’m elected president, every stage in Hollywood is gonna have a fourth wall, and you know who’s gonna pay for it? The audience. We’re gonna make theater great again.”

He was informed by a reporter that stages have been designed this way since the ancient Greeks, to which he responded, “If I had been around in ancient Greece, I would’ve built stages with four or five walls. Yeah, five walls. Huge walls! The Chinese got it right with their Great Wall. No wonder Greece was conquered by the Russians.”

As Donald Trump finished his press conference, many in the crowd could be heard chanting, “Make theater great again.”

I’ve seen some of the Star Wars movies, but I’m not exactly a big fan of the franchise. I recently had the chance to view the latest movie in the series with someone else who is a fan, yet the question I’m wondering is which movie did I actually see? People have been so excited with this latest installment in the franchise. People are so enamored with it, some willing to shell out money for multiple viewings, but I have to ask if anyone else realizes it’s not really that new. We’ve seen these plot points before in other Star Wars movies. If I, a non-fan, can see these glaring similarities, surely someone else who isn’t too awestruck by nostalgia can catch them too.

The new Star Wars movie started out so familiar, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to see something new as the film got going. Near the beginning of A New Hope The Force Awakens, Stormtroopers show up with Darth Vader Kylo Ren, shooting up the place, looking for some plans a map. We meet Princess Leia Poe Dameron, who puts said plans map into droid R2-D2 BB-8 with the intention of being viewed by Obi-Wan Kenobi the Resistance. R2-D2 BB-8 is sent off in another direction from the battle scene. Meanwhile, Leia Poe is taken as a prisoner aboard the enemy’s ship, but is soon freed by someone in a Stormtrooper uniform. Eventually Darth Kylo will go looking for BB-D2, who gets captured on a desert planet and is found by Luke Skywalker Rey Noname, whose parents aren’t introduced to us. (We’re just waiting for Luke to say, “I am your father.”)

Fast forward… Did you see that trench spaceship run to bring down the sphere of doom (the one that destroys planets) and those shield generators on the nearby planet? What about the old man being killed by the lead villain while the young Jedi looks on helplessly? Oh, did you catch the nearly-dead bad guy being left for the behind-the-scenes villain to pick up? (That chasm was a mighty convenient way to keep our intrepid villain around for the sequel.)

Other predictability/convenience points: Millennium Falcon’s introduction (saw that coming the first time she said “garbage”), Finn was not dragged off by that creature, even though everyone else was quickly devoured (good job, Captain Heroesdonotdie).

Way to go, J.J. Lucas. You proved that rehashing old material and strapping the name “Star Wars” still sells millions.