Buffy - Young sorority pledge who will become a vampire hunter. Definitely an original idea.

Jodi - Nice hat, are you going to church after the movie is over?

Tina - Why is she joining a sorority? This pledge comes from the bad part of town, hence the fifth degree black belt (yeah, right), Steve Irwin clothes, and Malcolm X hat.

Jim - Those suffering from partial vampirism, please hold your left hand in the air and torture the viewers with your acting.

The Sorority Sisters - Inga, the Swedish dominatrix, Chris, the man masquerading as a lesbian, and the loopy spiritualist.

The Surfer and His Girlfriend - The first two idiot victims of the vampiress. I don't think that her breasts are real.

The Hicks - One guy looks a little bit like Vincent Schiavelli. That is never a compliment.

Count Vlad - Komedy relief from Hell! He tries to use his elongated canine as a corkscrew, resulting in a broken fang.

Natalia - The vampiress, a perfect example of a tall, skinny, pale woman.

Rabaalhazor - Supposedly an alien or demon (something like that). He sounds like Mojo Jojo.

The Plot:

At times people send me screener copies of movies for review. Staring at this particular DVD, I think that the filmmakers mailing me a dead rat would have been a better deal. The case even feels like a sodden rodent carcass teaming with white maggots, but it is nothing more than cool plastic. This is just a hallucination brought on by a now diseased brain. I have seen Ulmers, Shoggoths, and "Sorority House Vampires." My mind is a broken thing.

Open on a mass of foam that has a snowy television screen embedded within. Raucous music blares and a naked Asian girl begins gyrating before the hideous entertainment center. After a few minutes, and I kid not about the duration, Rabaalhazor (demons always have so many a's in their names) speaks about the impending doom of humanity. With that out of the way, Diana, high priestess of Rabaalhazor, appears on the screen and the music starts all over again. This goes on for another five minutes.

Can you feel my annoyance yet? Do not get me wrong, the girl playing Diana looks to be attractive. The reason it is difficult to say for certain is the psychotic effects. The image is doubled and transparent creatures straight out of a Cronenberg film writhe over the screen. I tried putting on a pair of 3-D glasses that were handy, which turned out to be a big mistake. Trying to watch the scene without simply made my stomach uneasy; with the 3-D viewer over me glassies I felt like I was going to snuff it.

Natalia is woken when a pair of girls stumble over her grave. Surprisingly, the obvious fodder characters are not eaten and run away while the vampire claws her way out of the ground. It is the surfer dude and his buxom girlfriend who become the first meal. Meanwhile, in a shadow filled room, Vlad is roused by something falling onto his coffin. Vlad is the highly annoying comic relief. For most of the film he will stumble around the basement and cause himself multiple injuries due to plain clumsiness. Hit over the head by falling beams, stuck in torture stocks, being electrocuted - all Vlad. That the movie's only entertaining line, "I love the smell of blood. It smells like... ...blood." (this is what I have to work with here) comes from this odious character is a testament to irony.

The Alpha Beta Gamma sorority is testing new pledges at their house in the woods. Thus are Buffy, Jodi, and Tony introduced to each other. The arrival at the sorority has one good side effect, the color snaps on (until now everything looked bleached). The three pledges meet the three sorority sisters and are immediately sent to scrub the kitchen. It turns out that joining a sorority involves two things: getting paddled and cleaning the kitchen.

Outside of the house, the woodland carnage continues as Natalia claims more victims. Her previous meals become obedient zombies or vampires themselves, though not always well adjusted to their new biology. The surfer dude and his girlfriend have a try at sex. It does not turn out well; she hastily pushes him away with a complaint about feeling like a dead fish. Frankly, I would happily screw a dead tuna if it meant I would never have to watch this repellent film ever again.

The girls eventually learn of the bloodsucking threat through Jim. He became a partial vampire after Natalia drained half of his plasma. Large portions of the movie's dialog are lost in background noise, usually music. Knowing what the characters were saying probably would not help things, but there you go.

Oh, by the way, a power meter (like you see in video games) appears on the screen and fills whenever the vampiress is drinking blood. It is the little attempts at comedy, degenerating into komedy, and later into qomedy, that make the viewing experience pure agony. The unwise inclusion of a "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" bit just made me angry. Then there was the Ice Queen, appearing and claiming to be from the sequel. A sequel? God forbid! I know what to include in my prayers tonight.

Buffy and her pals ready themselves for battle. Natalia prepares her troops using the lecture method, resulting in no small amount of qomedy as they struggle to "fan out" or perform "serpentine" maneuvers. Then the undead engage in an abrupt music video. Why me? WHY? I am going to find the bastards who sent me this DVD and beat them with a stick!

When the battle finally takes place you had better not think the torture is over. Just sit back and enjoy the background music (reminds me of my Chocobo racing days). The nauseating attempts at humor are laid on pretty thick, including a number of separate endings. Look, we do not care which ending is better. Pick one of the wretched things and be done with it!

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Subtitles should only be used by certified professionals.

Body suits are not vampire proof.

Breasts can be used as a substitute for smelling salts.

African-American women get a little nervous when surrounded by lots of white people in sheets.

Women have some absurd ways of establishing dominance (kissing a stuffed penguin, really).

Oil is the lifeblood of Mother Earth.

There are fates worse than death. At least one involves a TV and THIS CURSED MOVIE!

There is a major artery in your ass.

Barbie was invented by a voodoo priestess.

Stuff To Watch For:

There will be no "RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!" calls. Jugs are rampant, they just do not help the movie.

3 mins - Thank goodness that is over. No, no, not again.

22 mins - And so does this movie! What is your freaking point?

30 mins - Cow tastes good, thus we eat the animal.

42 mins - If only I could hit this movie over the head with a rock. Then I would ship the rock to China.

46 mins - You need to speak up, I cannot understand a word... ...oh, screw it. It is not as if I care anyway.

52 mins - I really hate this movie.

66 mins - It becomes holy water because she drew a cross on the bottle. Interesting.

Loopy Spiritualist: "I've come to you so that we may transverse ourselves and connect as two spiritual entities." Natalia: "Doesn't nobody speak English around here any more? I'm tired of reading these goddamned subtitles!"

I just finished watching this movie...when I see something this bad, I don't think about the movie, I think about other things:

1. How on earth did someone make this? Where did the funding come from? Did someone just have a lot of money to waste on making a movie?

2. How does a movie like this reach the shelves? If I make 90 mins of video and edit it, can I get included in a DVD pack, no matter what it's about?

3. Ok, let's just assume #1 and #2 somehow get answered for me...who sees this and says, "Yeah, we'll distribute that for you!"????

Ok, so now that I'm off that, there are a few things I don't understand at all about the movie...the opening for one...it has nothing to do with anything. Did they just pay some strippers to dance for them and include that as the 1st 10 mins of the movie? Why did they blur most of this part out? What was with the subtitles? What was with the 'stabilizing image' footage in the closet?

I've seen some pretty bad movies...some of them have no plot at all...this one actually had a plot, but this was a 15 minute short with 75 mins of filler...where do they find all these girls that love to get naked in movies?