Every night, I sit around the command tent matching shots with others. Then I stagger back to my personal tent grunting and rooting around in my footlocker for more vodka. I then polish off most of that, and pass out still in my boots.

So far this is most progressive behavior, is it not?

What troubles me is how my multiple inner comrades then all somehow meld into one screeching voice. A screeching voice much like I heard when being entertained by Commissar Theocritus at his ranch. I do not know the source, but he ignored it, and handed me another shot of vodka.

Comrades, I fear someone is spiking my vodka. Most strange as I redistribute vodka from other shipments all the time to my personal yacht, and my gloriously appointed command tent.

My security is tight, and sober even. I have sprayed Meow Begone(TM) all around the liquor locker, and only I have the keys and proper thumbprint to open my personal stash.

When I visit Party Brass(TM) to deliver reports on Revolutionary Activities(TM) I have no problems from the vodka. But I can seize even one shipment destined for a rethuglican fundraiser, and once again I'm poisoned by my own drink!

Oh I I wish Comrade Che were still alive. He could advise me on internal revolutionary problems.

I thought of executing my command staff, but I did that last week and the problem has been on going.

Will the appropriate Commissar please send me form 10-17S so that I can request a member of Internal Security(TM) to investigate this and possibly be assigned to my staff? An attractive female member of Internal Security(TM) who is corrupt in all the correct ways is preferred.

Colonel, the problem is not your vodka. The problem is, sadly, in your head. This is a a manifestation of your Inner Comrade Guilt. How can you be a more effective Comrade? Were you on the docks protesting against the transport of military materiel? Did you miss even once?

Did you eat something with processed sugar?

Did you eat bread made of, and I can hardly type this, white flour?

Did you NOT buy organic produce fertilized with cow shit which therefore had 10x the e. coli on it and therefore spend every night on the Hillary? You know it is your duty to spend every night on the Hillary because of the e. coli on organic produce, some of which you cannot wash off.

Colonel, your Inner Comrade Guilt is about to overtake you. And the only solution is a fresh start.

Send me your credit-card numbers and bank-account numbers.

Oh, and do not worry about that screeching sound at the Rancho. I too tired of it and invested in a ball gag. I don't even have to tie Bruno up to use it. I told him it was a new kind of microphone for his singing career and he wears it 24/7.

Will the appropriate Commissar please send me form 10-17S so that I can request a member of Internal Security™ to investigate this and possibly be assigned to my staff? An attractive female member of Internal Security™ who is corrupt in all the correct ways is preferred.

The Party™ has a backlog on this type of request. In the meantime The Party™ suggests using the Obama salute accompanied by visual stimulation (preferably a centerfold of Helen Thomas in the latest issue of "Female Journalists Gone Wild") resulting in a total revulsion of such thoughtcrimes.Be careful what you ask for Comrade 7.62. Yelling Yelena does not yell for The Party™ alone. Sometimes she needs assistence from a male Comrade.I can pull some strings if you'd like?

Comrade 7.62, how I wish I could indulge myself in self criticism like you do. Unfortunately, I have no problems with the People's Distillate. I drink it copiously and it rewards me with blissful escape from the drudgery of Socialist mediocrity. I awake refreshed and ready to shoulder my shovel for another day of mind numbing penance in the fields.

Vodka is versatile, it makes a great antifreeze for your car. It's as effective as Listerine at killing germs and after you gargle, you can swallow it. Mixed with orange juice it makes a healthy beverage that goes well with breakfast. Mixed with cranberry juice it cleanses the kidneys, disinfects the bladder and rinses the last traces of meth out of your system before a urinalysis. You can even rub it on sore, achy muscles. And it heightens the effects of most antihistamines, sedatives and narcotics.

God Obama bless this gift that the glorious Russians have given mankind.It's the mother's milk of the mother country. Without it, there could be no progressive world of next Tuesday.

Mmmm I had not considered personal guilt. And with so many inner comrades, there is much opportunity to feel guilt. I feel normal when I am delivering reports because then there is a superior to yell at me and make me feel good for being part of The Party(TM). Then I can turn around and yell at the cook when I get home for burning my (organic, free range) steak.

But when I'm alone... the creeping thoughts come to mind. Did I purge enough Enemies of The State(TM)? Have I filled my quota of denouncements in a suitable and efficient fashion? Have I paid enough attention to my duties? Has Revolutionary Justice(TM) been meted out? Did I redistribute enough wealth from the capitalist thugs? And why does my morning tea taste like cat piss?

Perhaps I need either a larger shrine to Obama (right now a framed Hope poster with candles, and an altar suitable for sacrificing a capitalist on).

But thank you comrades for explaining my personal guilt. I feel so much better! And I'm already on the third bottle of the day. Oh what a great and glorious time to be progressive!

Comrade Theo, I agree, where IS the socialist mediocrity? I wish my fair share too. Right now I'm wallowing in socialist misery. I'd like to wallow in some mediocrity too.

7.62, I have found that the best way to purge yourself of progressive guilt is to get artery-popping angry. Just yell your head off. Think of Michael Moore. Think of Mikey the Minnesota Mime Moonbat. Think of all of the comrades who are demonstrating in the streets while other people have jobs. They yell because deep inside they know they're useless and are living on the government tit, but anger drives that guilt away to be replaced by the white-hot comfort of anger.

Last time I did that I had to stand in line for WEEKS at the People's Progressive Health Clinic ™. Fortunately I still had a ration coupon left...

It's just so hard being a progressive you know. So much guilt, and shame. Being born a white progressive is most shameful. But it can be overcome. Why just yesterday I was condescendingly nice to a person of color. I insisted they enter a building before me. Not only that but I shined their shoes for them, and did a minstrel dance as well. All to show that as a white progressive I understand the role my ancestors played in keeping the black people down.

As this was the owner of the building and highly successful business contained therein I would have expected her to better appreciate my progressive groveling.

Do not worry about those; it's the restraining orders that are the bitch. You may be restrained from getting within 100' of said person, but do not let that stop your groveling. A bullhorn will help you in your abject apologies, and make your signs of abject submission bigger.

The first order of being a progressive is, "If it didn't work, GET A BIGGER HAMMER!"

Comrade Gulag 4 Alfred, Send your sister Svetlana to Camp Fluffy where she will be "Educated" Plus, I feel my dear friend Colonel 7.62 would feel better giving something back to the common prole. perhaps he can Practice on Svetlana.

Ahh Comrade Red Star, you are correct, I am happy to practice giving back on glorious comrade Svetlana.

But I digress. I have discovered the true source of my problems! Trotsky monsters! Yes Comrades! Those evil little monsters have been loose in my private stash. I suspected something when I saw cookie crumbs in my liquor cabinet. Tonight I planned for catching one of the little buggers. I slipped into my command tent silently with a flashlight. I could hear crunching noises and giggling sounds coming from my vodka stash.

And there it was, sitting there with a cookie in one hand, my shot glass in another, and PISSING into one of my vodka bottles. AND THE LITTLE THOUGHT CRIMINAL HAD MY PISTOL. The one I thought Meow stole. It saw me, and it's evil little eyes lit up. I went to beat it over the head with my flashlight, and IT SHOT MY FLASHLIGHT FROM MY HANDS. Nasty little thing is FAST!

It sat their giggling some more while I stared slack jawed. I had the presence of mind to reach for my camera, and the Trotsky Monster SHOT IT TOO.

Comrades, I was INFURIATED! My Inner Comrades were infuriated too. I started to call for explosives to deal with this little pest once and for all. PISS IN MY VODKA, EAT MY COOKIES, STEAL MY PISTOL, AND SHOOT AT ME WILL YOU! I figured a People's Progressive Hand Grenade of Stalingrad should do the trick.

Then yet ANOTHER monster leaped out of the corner and started to attack the Trotsky Monster. I reached for my flask, which was filled with fresh vodka that the little beast hadn't had time to piss in yet. I watched to two monsters go at it, and heard the Trotsky Monster die with a horrible little squeak.

I stared at the new monster. It looked much like a Trotsky Monster, only had curly hair and wore a beret.

Yes comrades, I have discovered the Che Monster! The Che Monster took off it's little beret and bowed to me. It then picked up my stolen pistol, reloaded it for me and returned it. I was most confused. A helpful little demon monster?

Then comrades, IT SPOKE. The Che Monster told me that when Che died he was reincarnated as little monsters. He had a chance to become a tractor, but decided against it. As long as there were Kulak Monsters and Trotsky Monsters loose, glorious Comandante Che decided there must be a Che Monster as well. He could continue his noble work of killing those who opposed or betrayed The Revolution(TM). Also the Che Monster likes having it's belly rubbed. It makes happy sounds when you do that.

Now this Che Monster tells me it wishes to become my personal monster and aid the People's Revolutionary Red Guard in it's fight for world socialism, even if it means destroying the entire world to do so.

I need help Comrades. Marshal Pupovich, you outrank me of course, what say you on this matter? And Comrade Red Square? Do you trust this devious little Che Monster? I watched it destroy, and then devour a Trotsky Monster, but am I just letting an even worse monster into my life? Red Star? Sister Massively Opiated, I value your input on the Che Monster most of all. And Commissar Theo, what say you?

7.62, this is a tough one. A Che monster. Now we know it's good at killing. But also bear in mind that it's a psychopathic murderer. But that's the problem with all revolutionary killers. You just don't know how they'll roll. Hitler took after the Jews. Don't know why; his grandmother was a Jew. But he just did. And Dear Leader--he's a pretty pure monster, you know; he's reduced his people to butcher shops selling human meat. Idi? Cannibalism. Stalin? A few million here, a few million there, who's counting?

But I do worry about Che's celebrity status.

But there is one idea. Get the Che Monster to kill the Trotsky Monsters and the Kulak Monsters, and then tell it it can have a movie in Hollywood. Then it will go to Hollywood and spend all of its time talking about how wonderful it is and it'll leave you alone.

Comrade Theo, I must confess. I *like* the nasty little thing. It keeps the Trotsky and Kulak monsters down, and gives me sage advice on The Revolution(TM). It's kinda like a pet cat. It's fuzzy and makes happy noises when you pet it, but it's also skilled with firearms, guerrilla warfare and running prison camps. And it eats Trotsky monsters. What is there not to like?

I hear he must also be good in the business of t-shirt manufacturing, as well as sales. He could make you a fortune if you let him. First let him breed, and when you have a few of them, send some to Hollywood and lock the rest in the basement with shirt-making equipment.

THIS COULD BE THE NEXT BIG THING!

You can start an email-marketing business. "Hello dear customer! Would you like to start making $50,000 a week without leaving your house? Then buy one of my Che monsters for only five easy payments of 19.99 a month, and put them to work making t-shirts for the revolution. Get a second Che monster for 50% off. Once they breed, you can start selling them and become a millionaire just like me!

IT'S A PYRAMID, COLONEL, I'M TELLING YOU!

You've stumbled over a gold mine, and it will pay off if you only keep these little buggers away from firearms. And whatever you do, don't turn your back on them!

Brilliant Comrade Red Square! I shall do as you suggest (the usual cut in the usual place eh comrade?)

I'm wondering if they are asexual, or if I need a second Che Monster?

At any rate I will do as you say and keep them away from my revolutionary thundersticks. I don't want it getting any ideas...

Between eating the Trotsky and Kulak monsters, plus whatever the firing squads leave behind, ever since the Che Monster showed up, the place hasn't been cleaner.

It is a useful little beast.

Oooh it's already making a T-shirt! Awww how cute.

Alrighty then comrades! Step right up and reserve your VERY OWN CHE MONSTER! GUARANTEED TO KEEP DOWN THE PESKY TROTSKY AND KULAK MONSTERS, AS WELL CLEAN UP AFTER EXECUTION SQUADS! THESE AMAZING CREATURES ALSO MAKE FASHIONABLE AND TRENDY CHE T-SHIRTS AND HATS!

FOR ONLY 5 PAYMENTS OF $19.95 (plus shipping, handling, crating, cleanup, and other associated costs of handling Che Monster) YOU TOO CAN OWN YOUR OWN CHE T-SHIRT BUSINESS. BUT WAIT! THERE IS MORE COMRADES! ACT NOW AND GET A SECOND, THAT'S RIGHT A SECOND CHE MONSTER FOR ONLY $24.95! REMEMBER SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED! CALL NOW!

(profits not guaranteed or warranted. Not responsible if Che Monster gains access to firearms,ammunition, explosives, or the family dog. May not destroy all Trotsky or Kulak monsters in home.)

My sister Svetlana advances the cause at vodka plant. She don't know shit about Internal Security but said she would be "willing" to learn.

Your call.... Damn it's cold here in dacha.

:: KARAKTER OFF ::

Oh My Dear Gogol! I can't be sure, what with the immense amount of hair removal, but I'm sure that Little Svieta used to be my cleaning lady!!! Though really, there isn't that much difference, except for her not wearing any outer clothing... I do have long pink rubber gloves though...

They are heavy duty and they really do allow one to use harsh chemicals or very hot water without it being at all uncomfortable... I never roll mine down, but then, I have long arms and they do come three sizes - small, medium and large... they also have a heavier duty available in a deep plum colour which would perfectly match her underthingies... but never mind that... they grow up and become... hooker-like vodka-promoting mail-order brides so quickly...

:: KARAKTER ON ::

Sister agrees... they are excellent quality rubber gloves for everyday house cleaning but one must go industrial if handling large amounts of caustic chemicals... and dolphins just do not get fancy lingerie... figuratively or literally... it just looks silly on us... and no Red, please, no illustrations... there's already that damned sheep in the pumps floating around the Cube, forever and ever and ever...Why oh why did I ever post that damned picture? I should have known better...

Regarding the Che/Trotsky Monsters... the nest has grown since I first posted it's evil likeness as an aid to ridding your hovel dacha of its pestilence and they do not all look the same... what's more, I know for a fact that on top of getting the Portuguese Water Dog, the little Obamas have been unwittingly keeping one as a pet... there are fotos... they are wiley creatures who I am sure are shitting in the Lincoln bedroom as we speak... the Kulak Monsters... not the little Obamas... the little Obamas are housebroken, though I cannot speak for the Portuguese Water Dog...

Comrade Sister, thank you for your input on the Che Monster. This one makes t-shirts at a rapid speed and I have already made some small profit off of them. Most progressive. Plus it eats Trotsky Monsters.

Sadly it is not housebroken yet... I keep finding Che Monster droppings all over the place. I may have to move it to a cage outside.

Awww it just made a Che shirt that says "Che heart killing for Common Good(TM)" I'll bet I can sell those at the next DNC!

Oh... as an addendum, now that I have procured an actual digital camera - a friend got a very nice new one and so gave me the old one that is bigger than most video cameras... I have no pride - instead of needing to use my incredibly old external iSight to get a dull screen capture - it is good now only for using to scan UPC codes on my books as I log them and my CD's and DVD's into Delicious Library - I must take a picture of the growing nest and post it here so that you may see the many and varied forms these evil creatures take... it is astounding how much they can vary, one from the other, but I suspect is it a result of what they primarily eat... whether it is butter, coffee, blini's or catshit... I will take a picture tomorrow morning and post... it is truly frightening....

BTW, Red, I very much liked the quiet pleasant business-like tone your email took... "Did he look like this? Did you hear this music when you saw him?.. Yes? Have a good day." instead of our old panic-inducing response, "Did he look like this? Did you hear this music when you saw him? Yes? Run for your life!!! For the love of all that is... Stalinist... RUN FOREST RUN!!! NO! LEAVE THE CHILDREN... IT WILL KEEP THEM BUSY AS YOU ESCAPE AND YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE MORE!!! JUST RUUUUUUUN!"... A response which caused many riots and led to the deaths of many proles, crushed as they were under the stampede, and so badly mangled we could almost not use them as Necroproxies... almost... In any case, My Roseate Hexahedron Peoples Direktor... Good Save!

Comrade Sister, thank you for your input on the Che Monster. This one makes t-shirts at a rapid speed and I have already made some small profit off of them. Most progressive. Plus it eats Trotsky Monsters.

Sadly it is not housebroken yet... I keep finding Che Monster droppings all over the place. I may have to move it to a cage outside.

Awww it just made a Che shirt that says "Che heart killing for Common Good(TM)" I'll bet I can sell those at the next DNC!

Comrade Colonel 7.62...

I do understand that as good communists, all things belong to the collective but I am not at all sure that the good people at Pretty Ugly LLC would appreciate your use of their undoubtedly registered trademark images in a manner that provides an income stream outside their purview...

Aside from that, you are most welcome for my "input on the Che Monster"... as Fidel (he was originally named Jeero when he was given to me by my brother, unaware of his dangerous nature) is a Nospurratu - a sort of zombie cat-like thing with fangs... you will be able to see him more clearly when I send the group foto as I have a 2' Daddy Jeero who I assume is the progenitor of my growing collection of Kulak Monsters... The Legend of the Kulak Monster goes back several years now, when I first caught one stealing butter and ruining my best coffee... one in fact, stole my peoples cube and tried to paint it different colours before I caught it and killed it... perhaps you should poke around for the ongoing saga of Fidel, the Kulak Monster (originally thought to be a Progressive Trotsky Monster but later clarified in terms of Party dogma by our Glorious Red Leader), for more "input".

Colonel, I have another use for the Che Monster. It can eat the Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. These are the ones in the Rancho which are not defeated by the Nancyskin garage door. Do you know what it's like to turn on the light in a room and have a herd of 1000 Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits flash you with teeth?

And they are getting bolder. I can be asleep and suddenly the light will flick on and I'll find my bed surrounded with Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits, flashing all those...teeth. I find them engaging with treaties with Commander Cockroach, telling Commander Cockroach how to avoid the Roach Motels that I have...

Do you think that the Che Monsters would eat the Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits that were not scared off by the Nancyskin?

Comrade Theo I do not know. With a 1000 Nan Jimmy Carter Rabbits I can see use of the People's Progressive Grenade of Stalingard(TM) is out.

If/when my Che monster breeds I can send you one. Or should any of the evil rabbits show up I can test the Che monster on it...

Mine just finished three Kulak Monsters (nasty thing, eating my butter!) and a Trotsky Monster, plus tore out the throat of an alleged anti revolutionary. It's laying curled up in a corner now sleeping and peaceful.

I know, Colonel, I know, but just think of the staying power of the Nano Jimmy Carter rabbit. Tossed out of office on his ass in 1980, he has wandered the globe pissing and moaning and whining and showing those horrible--teeth--the most fearsome dentition since Agrajag.

Imagine thousands and thousands of the Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits and the self-righteousness of them, all at once. Being surrounded by those flashing--teeth--and that smile, like a raccoon eating fish guts out of a wire brush.

Comrade Sister, I have reviewed much of your pioneering research into the Trotsky Monsters.

I looked around my tent closer. Coffee, gone! Butter, stashed everywhere! The more I search, the more grateful I am for the little Che Monster that is sitting in the corner picking it's teeth with a bone. Plus it makes t-shirts!

Colonel, you must get the Che monsters breeding in a hurry. Not only to deal with the Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits but also I need help with the impaling. I can think of nothing better than a chain, or Che, gang doing the workaday process of your average, garden-variety impaling.

Here, I got a window in Party business this Saturday afternoon to do it. I like it and am thinking of putting it on a T-shirt. Is it fine like this? Would it be better if it says "killing for the Common Good™"?

Way ahead of you, colonel! Perhaps we could start a new store called "The most popular T-Shirt in the world." The designs will combine the most popular elements - Che and Heart are already there. Cowbell was a logical addition. But there are others.

Che heart guns is funny, but my knee jerk reaction is that it only vilifies guns by association... But I could just be too paranoid there.

So many wonderful choices.. Che holding a bottle of rum (dripping blood perhaps?) for the binge drinking? Che with a big cigar, Che thumbs up in front of the Capitol Building, Che with Pelosi, ahh truly glorious.

Che heart guns is funny, but my knee jerk reaction is that it only vilifies guns by association...

I must respectfully disagree, Colonel.

Let's say I'm one of the finalists in the Miss People's Cube pageant, and Rosie O'Donnell is one of the judges. She asks, "What are your views on guns?"

Now, if I were a dumbass stupid hate-filled neocon (but I repeat myself), I would say something really dumbass stupid and hate-filled like, "I believe that a citizen's right to own and bear arms should not be infringed. I realize not everyone may agree with the Second Amendment and that it's old-fashioned, but that's just what I happen to believe personally, because I'm just an old-fashioned girl."

Having said that, I would deserve to be flayed alive by the media, and they would have every right to dredge up those photos of me that I had taken when I was only 17, when I would've had the same good judgment and foresight about the consequences of those photos that I now have thirtwe five years later. And Rosie, meanwhile, would be back in the spotlight as all the talk shows wine and dine her and give her one forum and platform after another to repeat repeatedly what she thinks of me and my response.

But because I'm a good Progressive, and since it was already pointed out on another thread that I would easily walk away with the title anyway, my response would be something like this:

"I have the same opinion about guns that Che Guevara has. Oh, and while I'm up here, I just want to say that I think Barack Obama is doing a wonderful job and We The People really need to give him a chance to do everything possible to help him succeed. He's the bestest president ever. Furthermore . . ." (pause for thunderous applause) ". . . furthermore, I would like to ask everyone to stand up and on the count of three, shout 'BUSH SUCKS!'"

And if Rush or Hannity happen to bring up the fact that I ignored the fine print in my contract and lied by not saying anything about those photos--well really! Who reads the fine print? What do you expect from the same bozos who think we should've taken the time to read everything in the stimulus bill first? It would've taken years to read that thing, and we needed the economy fixed right freakin' now!

And lying? Pfft! Who are they to talk about lying? Their god George W. Bush lied and millions died. Who died because Clinton messed up some intern's dress? For that matter, who died because I posed for a few racy photos? Huh? HUH?

Pinkie, your logic is irrefutable. In fact I am so impressed by your logic that I thought that you ought to be awarded the Paul Krugman Chair of Philosophy and Aeronautical Engineering at Irkusk People's University! Or Berkley, if you will take it.

With your blinding leaps of logic, heretofore unknown in the world, you yourself could irrefutably prove that by, and only by spending 110% of everyone's total income can we move a world of perfect freedom, where everyone has a brand new Lexus or Acura, where no one has to do housework, where there are no mortgages, where they pay you to eat in five-star restaurants, and childbirth is without pain. And no young man has pimples or insecurity.

And we will leave it to Red to inform the world that, when it doesn't happen, a little patience is needed and just how long the next five-year plan is likely to be. Today.

Margaret - I know that to nuke NY were Che's true words and true intentions. Unfortunately, I couldn't force myself to actually make such a design, let alone sell it. And I can't imagine anyone wanting to buy it anyway.

We'll take care of the LOL socialists in the next installment. But I think we should find a shorter word. Unfortunately they're into big words to cover up the smallness of their ideas - just like what they say about short guys driving huge vehicles.

A short LOLcat word for them could be "librul," but I'm not sure it works. LOLdems is another version, but that is too narrow. LOLcommies?

Has there been a short one-syllable nickname for them I'm not aware of?

A "prog" is a short form of "progressives," similar to libs and cons, dems and repubs. It has a nicer ring to it, since "prog" also sounds like a programmed robot or any entity that lives to fulfill a predetermined program rather than reacting to objective facts. It also sounds like "frog" that is another word for "French."

It seems that "prog" is already being used for prog rock, but not for the ideology. Let's introduce it as a new political term and see if it picks up. Do you think it has potential?

I wrote it after I read the news that Waters had demonstratively spray-painted in large letters "we don't need no thought control" over the "Zionist Apartheid Wall" that the Israelis built to protect themselves from suicide bombers.

Thanks for the links Red, good read on the article and the digressions on the cube thread was great.

I too became bored with Pink Floyd after The Wall came out.

My favs are Ummagumma and A Nice Pair. (I traded a 1st issue Tommy for an original A Nice Pair which was well worth it in my mind). I also have a import of Relics which has an ink drawing for the cover. Nick Mason is the artist.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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