Bravo is home to some great reality television. Now it is also home to two of the worst shows on television. I sat through Millionaire Matchmaker and Most Eligible Dallas tonight. It was painful and really awful. Do they really think we will watch again? These two shows totally and completely suck ass.

Millionaire Matchmaker is a train wreck and Patti Stanger seems to think that we know nothing about her, so she lies. It’s actually quite funny that this chick thinks we are dumb. Surprise Patti! We are not dumb, we know when you are lying, and we watch to mock you, not because we love you.

Patti starts off telling us that she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years because she could not make a long distance relationship work. Really? She went to NYC to shoot one season, which lasted a few weeks and her relationship could not handle it? She is simply full of crap.

I have met Patti in person and she is quite pretty. Tiny and attractive, but a bitch. Not an entertaining, Jewish bitchiness, but a hardcore, mean spirited bitch. I think that’s what people saw in NYC and why she tanked there. To say she was begged to go there to help people is ridiculous.

Her staff looks like they should be on LA Ink. They preach love and marriage but none of them are married. They have new offices, and she is driving around in a Jag with a driver. She says she is too busy to drive, then in the same sentence says she is a lady of leisure. Which one is it?

Two fame whore millionaires are set up and both are cute, but clearly looking for 15 minutes over love. It’s pathetic. People who clearly don’t speak English as a first language script this show. It is sloppy. Patti also seems to have problems speaking English and makes up words.

Her criticism of the women and her bashing of the men is just not funny. She is trying really hard to be Kathy Griffin but it’s not working. She is mean. I happen to like mean, but Kathy mean and Patti mean are on two different ends of the spectrum. Kathy rocks and Patti tanks.

In the end, the seriously attractive but creepy guy gets into a fight with her, she kicks him out and he calls her a whore. I love that guy. I will not be blogging about this show again. I will watch to laugh at her, but not wasting my time boring you with this crap fest.

Just when I am convinced Matchmaker is the bottom of the barrel, we get Most Eligible Dallas. The people on this show are dumb. I’m not buying it, and just like when they tried this show in Miami, this show will come and go and we will never remember them.

Courtney: This chick is insane. She is love with Matt, and he is just not that into her. She is a snob and conceited. She is not that smart, not the prettiest one, and clearly struggles with the fact that at 29 she feels like a failure for not being married with children.

Matt: He is 28, average looking but a god in his own mind. He comes form money, acts like a player, is best friends with Courtney, and has no intentions of dating seriously. He is out to have a good time with as many people as possible, but has a little crush on Neill.

Glenn is a football player who has been traded a million times, which would imply he is not that great. He loves himself and has an ego that does not quite match how he looks. He has a great body but his love affair with himself makes him not that cute. He is a little creepy.

Neill: She is a 23 year old aspiring country singer who is also a single mom to a one year old boy. She is the youngest, but in week one the smartest, most down to earth, prettiest, and the only one on the entire show who seems to have any redeeming qualities.

Tara: She is very rich, saves dogs from the pound, and lives a couple of blocks away from former President Bush. I watch this show a million times, I will never understand why a woman with so much money, who knew she was going to be on television, did not get her roots done.

Drew: He works in his family car business and is gay. We know he is gay because it is all he talks about. I have never heard a gay man explain his gayness in so many ways in a two minute span. He has nothing interesting to say, and incase you watched and missed it, Drew is gay.

I am not going to bother to recap the hour because if I do I will fall asleep and I still need to watch Bachelor Pad. This show is lame, these people are lame, and I’m done. It is disappointing that after our loyalty Bravo repays us with this crap. They are not even trying to keep it real.

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