Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Outcomes

Let's just get this out of the way first thing, shall we?

Benign, such a pretty word, a word reminiscent of the word 'beignet,' which treat I have tasted and declared delicious.

++++++++++++++

When I heard the good news this morning, I felt, of course, overjoyed, but also - all of a sudden - profoundly tired. It was as if I had been holding my breath for three weeks and finally remembered to exhale.

Do you know that feeling, the one you experience after you are issued a speeding ticket? Oh, c'mon, don't tell me that you've never gotten a speeding ticket! Huh. Well, I have, and I've noticed that for a month or two afterward, I am overly conscious of my driving. I don't speed (if anything I drive too slowly!), and I am scrupulous about following all the rules of the road (e.g., signaling turns early, or coming to a full and lengthy stop at a stop sign). But after some time has passed, my driving slides back into the realm of the automatic. It retreats to the background.

Today I have a new lease on life. I have been stamped healthy. I am a lucky one. So for the next few weeks or months I will walk around with a dopey grin. I will notice the leaves turning colors and marvel at the spectacle, even more than I usually do.

And then I will forget, and go back to living my life, and being frustrated by long lines at the supermarket, or telemarketers, or my children's inability to get their dirty laundry into the baskets provided for same. Human nature it is, and yet I wish I could bottle today's joy for future use.

But maybe it's tiring to live such an examined life, and that's why the lessons we learn - from speeding tickets, from the possibility of having cancer - don't keep informing our every move.

I don't know. Nothing to take from this, perhaps, except delight. Pure delight.

Smiling for you.. happy dance. And feeling of recognition at your post. After Sophie had cancer, for a long while, I was immune to "the little annoyances of life", but.. slowly (I mean REALLY slowly, like a couple of years), "normalcy" resumed. But only TO AN EXTENT. Every scare, every passage through fear and "what if" does change us... it changes how we process everything that happens next. AND, it leaves us grateful and a little humbled. Big hugs to you my friend.. I am so glad you don't have to deal with the big "C" - but if you did, I would be there.