The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Vandalism

Have you seen Darryl? He's around here, somewhere. Hmm. Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. Neither guy is here. And it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's World of Lies. Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun. Darryl, meet Bear-yl. How much did you pay for that? Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe. Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But Erin was so excited about being sneaky sneaks, I went along with it. Darryl, you are too much. That guy's hilarious. He's here today. I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my bs is totally okay with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody's doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But I don't know. This time I feel like it's it's really coming together. Oh, my God! What? You've got to be kidding me. What are those are those butts? Huh? No way. No way. Excuse me, everyone. Is it okay if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday, and the Senator and I are hosting a party at our house. Oh, cute, so there'll be a bunch of kids. No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also ew. It will mostly be campaign donors. Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping $8 to Lipton for America - to have an invitation - No, no, please. You know, actually none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about. Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that Robert invited me too. - What? - He said he wanted me there - for support. - I'm his wife. Angela's husband and I are in love, but as a politician in this town you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. Me. We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too. - Hey. - Hey. We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly. Just a couple of grown, sexy ass roommates. And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's kind of nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down. Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom. I'm couching it. Which usually means there are clothes all over the living room. And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. I'm the messy one. How much fun is this? I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just he uses old T-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to "soak." He hooked me up with a job. Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but, whoever did this, will you please raise your hand? Hello? This is not over. Okay? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice. I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it, but someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. I mean, okay, not completely on my own, but in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian. Hey, so, Wade wants to send people to the saloon conference. We got to compile a list of our target clients. Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first. Who is this guy? We are killing it. - Yes, sir. - Yeah. Conference room, everybody, now. You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting. Yes, but David Wallace does, and he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff that's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting. You're telling me David Wallace asked you to call a super-secret classified conference room meeting? Yeah. Let's go, everyone. Super-secret classified conference room meeting now. Let's go. I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it. I thought that's what you were doing. Yeah, but this is different. Oh. They used worse paint than your paint. I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint, so I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing. Different-colored paint. I wanted different-colored paint in the spots where they put their paints, so it just is okay. The point is these warehouse guys are vandals, and they need to be stopped. Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall, which is so messed up. It's 6782, not 83. Uh, 6783's also a good time, less mileage. Pam, what can be done? Yes, thank you. Let's answer that question. I was politely saying nothing can be done. - I thought I was clear. - What? Come on, guys, we need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see how much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing. David Wallace called this meeting? Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently he is very passionate about public art. No, no, come on, guys. Don't go. - Pam, I'll help you. - You will? If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime. - Thank you? - I am in too, Pam. - Yeah? - Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. - And I am bored. - Great. I was hoping for a righteous mob. I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But they both have a mob mentality, and I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car. You need my pitchfork? - Hey. - What is it? I have vengeance to exact. Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event, - and I want you. - I'm not interested. But, wait, the State Transportation Secretary will be there. You could sell your bit salt idea to the highway people. If I get the deicing gig, it's gonna be on merit, not because I played politics. Hey, so a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So do you want me to go with you? - No. - Okay, I understand. I'll just stay here then, alone with the money. Oh, crap. I am handing out pieces of paper on which you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings is no one's business but my own. You're gonna compare 'em to the butts up there. Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts. I'm not drawing a butt. All right, then no bottoms. We should ask you to do big rounded Ws. Yes. Or nipple-less breasts. Okay, okay, I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go. Or melons like cantaloupes with the halves are cut off and then just the bottom parts. Well, this is getting us nowhere. We need another approach. We need to find the weakest one and separate him from the group. Yeah, I think, if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him. We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. Nate! Your mother is dying. See, I feel bad about that. It's all right. It's all right. So she's gonna pull through again? That's great. Can I talk to her? No. She needs her rest again. Now, listen, now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business. You know who the vandal is. Now I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum. Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt your Tell us who defaced the mural. He did it. All right. You can go. Give him his gum. There's no gum. There never was any gum. Wow, that's really rude. Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck. That painting is just How can anyone that weighs less than a Guinea hen be so terrifying? Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular. Oh, Robert, you're horrible. Simon, Maxine, who let you guys in here? This is the team. - Nice job, man. - You too, Darryl. What? Oh, man. I'm sorry about that. It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes. Oh. Are you really mad about this? That's my go-to thermos, that's all. Oh. It's your go-to oh, man, that's a bummer. - I'm sorry about that. - No big deal. - No big deal. - No, no, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal. No big deal. No, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. Honestly, I don't mind. Did you want me to wash it for you or? I don't know. Are you gonna wash it, or are you gonna let it soak? Okay. Here you go. Thank you. So, Frank, do you have any thoughts About what was done? By you? Maybe maybe I could get the ball rolling. Frank? Hi. Pam. I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So truly I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn. Insert apology here, Frank? I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny. Well, I didn't think that butt was funny. Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours. - What was that? - You know what? You people can't fire me, so screw you. Whoa. Hey, that is not okay. What are you gonna do about that? The first sorry sounded sincere. There were two or three sorries in there. - Mm, that's quite a lot. - It's a lot. That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy. Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out, huh? Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess. Everyone tied for first. We should just take him down. Wait. Are you saying I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face. Normally I find Pam to be a comforting if unarousing presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But today she has tapped into this vengeful violent side, and I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt. He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him. - A little eye-for-an-eye action. - Yes, yes. Go all Hammurabi on this clown. We need an infiltrator. I know just the man for the job. Clark? He even looks like a mole. One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population. You two seem very close. Yes, we're good friends. Good friends. - Yeah. - And I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers, because for a long time our party has turned its back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. I am a friend of the Latino community. And, if you ask me, it's time that we bid bigotry hasta luego. Now does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends, I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. My friend. Mi amigo Oscar. Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend, but he could have invited any number of Hispanics that he knows his gardener Rohelio, or he could have invited Rohelio. But he chose me. Rohelio's Malaysian. The son of a bitch is Malaysian. - Oh, hey. - Hey. Hey, I usually watch TV during my lunch break. - It's cool? - Yeah, cool. It's mine. Don't worry. I didn't say anything. I don't think you had to. Excuse me? I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that, if I needed flour, I couldn't use that? What you need flour for, Jim? That's not the point. - What you making, bread? - No, I'm not making bread. What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel? It doesn't matter. Darryl, I think you know the point I'm trying to make. All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, but just, you know, I get a little finicky about my stuff. That's all. It's all good. Are we all good? We good. What's that cooler? Nothing. It's mine. What happened to my Tavis Smileys? Oh, crap. Were those yours? I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again! Do you hear me? But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now go make your hands rough with work. Okay, boss. Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? - Like, you're smarter than him. - Shh, shh, shh. - This is never gonna work. - Shh, shh. Remember your lines. - What lines? - Go move some paper. Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse? He's not my hire, but I know who he is. Okay, what is he like? What's important to him? Does he have, like, a favorite pair of boots or a lunchbox? What, is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something? Yeah, something like that. I know he loves his pickup truck. Oh, great, his truck. Great. Get the plate number. Okay, do you know the plate never mind. Why would you know that, and why would I be asking that? So we know which truck to fill. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. - Can you fix that? - Yeah. I was kind of hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. Come on. _ Hold on a second. Sundeep, let's get you closer to the Senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar, I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the Senator as well. - Somewhere there. - He's blocking me. It's only a photo, honey. Excuse me. What's your name? - Shawn. - Lashawn, great. You want to be in a photo? Right this way. - Not you. No. - He put me here. He put you right in front of me? He placed me there. He did. He placed me here. Let's just wheel Margaret - right in front - Ow! - Here. - Oscar Angela. - Robert. Smile. I'm done. What are you is that supposed to be my mural? Yeah, Frank draws a butt on your mural. I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita. Aw, Dwight, that's really sweet. - Let's see yours. - Oh, no. I'm embarrassed. It's stupid. This is amazing! Frank, and he's leaving a trail of poops? - Yeah. - And he has saggy boobs. I saw that. It's great. I feel better. Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch. I know. You miss Angela, don't you? Ugh, don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis. I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. You know, the paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But I think the lesson will last Lady, my truck?! You had no right! No, you had no right! It's a $40,000 truck! So? You started it! So? So somebody needs to shut you up! - Hey, hey, hey! - Whoa! - Easy! - Son of a bitch! - Guys? - You're gonna hit a woman? Thanks so much for coming. Thank you so much. Well have we all calmed down yet? Yes. Sorry about that. It was all my fault. Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you. Thank you for the food. And also you suck. I beg your pardon. You're, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers. - No, no, it's - You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me. It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that. Oh, no, forget about my mural. It's stupid. No, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too. It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry. Look, I don't I don't want to put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me, and I'll be there for you. Thanks, Brian. See ya. Wow, this whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people you really care about. I mean, that's just Roommates 101. - Oh, come on. - Oh. - Uh. - Oh! Damn. You wins. How good did that feel? It felt really good actually.