January 19, 2002 (place)

Noders are, as we all know, a talented bunch, and so it was that we all ventured into the Slug & Lettuce, South London's finest Karaoke bar. Well, by "fine", I mean "only". About 10 of E2's finest made their way through the crowds of Japanese businessmen and Danish backpackers to pay homage to the classics. I admit, I had a lot to drink, but I think this is a pretty good guide to everyone's performance. And well done to all of them for giving it a go.

Frankie, as the organiser of the whole shinding, went first, with a storming rendition of Beautiful People. Well it would have been storming if the Karaoke machine had the backing music for Beautiful People. It didn't, but Frankie didn't let that deter her, so she sang along instead to the backing music of Save All Your Kisses For Me by Manfred Mann. Actually, it ended up sounding fanastic and the whole crowd were clapping along enthusiastically, until Frankie took her Marilyn Manson impression to far and strated trying to remove her trousers on stage. She was escorted from the building by security, and was last seen beating up a homeless guy outside Clapham Junction.

We all thought it would be hard to follow this act, but sure enough (darsi) rose to the occasion. (darsi)'s years in the Merchant Navy have left her with many valuable skills, including the ability to sing a rousing sea shanty. She gave us a loud, thrilling version of The Irish Rover complete with actions (you don't want to know how she enacted the line about the dog drowning). After that, she went to sit with some bikers in the corner, where she compared scars and tattoos, and arm-wrestled 16 men undefeated.

For someone of his age, Pandora sure can sing. He began giving us a heart-felt Bohemian Rhapsody, but sadly the tape snapped at the first "Mamma". We were disappointed and about to ask him to pick another song, but he bravely carried on, beating out the rhythm of the music by banging his zimmer frame on the stage. It was spectacular, and brought a tear to my eye. Well, actually, he disloged a chip of wood from the stage which flew into my eye, but dammit, there were still tears. Sadly, when singing the "devil put aside for MEEEEE" bit, he tried to wave his zimmer frame too high, keeled over packwards and suffered massive cranial injuries. He will be missed.

Spiregrain and sm597 duetted on Dead Ringer For Love, which was funny cause Spiregrain is a dead ringer for Cher. Sadly though, he sang the Meatloaf part, which just confused everyone. And then towards the end, the two began a very lewd, provocative "dance routine". A bit too provocative, as it resulted in both of them being escorted out by secuirty as well.

Tiefling really got into The Kink's You Really Got Me. His mikework seemed almost like that of a professional, although his constant pelvic thrusting was a little distracting. It was then that I finally figured out where I knew him from - Tiefling used to be the lead singer in Menswear. He's threatened to kill me if I ever tell anyone that. So, er, forget you read this bit.

ascorbic is a professional Elvis impersonator and arrived in full costume. So he says - some people thought he had just hired the costume for the night so that he'd win the coveted prize for Best Karoke Performance (prize : packet of crisps and a snog from heyoka). He began with a rocking version of Hunk Of Burning Love, although again, there was far too much pelvic thrusting. He followed it up with Are You Lonesome Tonight, during which he brought a pretty girl onstage and serenaded her. Unbeknownst to ascorbic, the girl was actually a girlfriend of one of the bikers. Ascorbic would have been lynched for sure, if (darsi) hadn't threatened to glass anyone who tried it.

The Alchemist can't sing. Sorry. But she did walk away with the prize after a squaking version of Groove Is In The Heart, because she is incredibly fit, wore a really tight top and a skirt which would have choked her if it was any higher. Most of the votes came cause people just wanna see her snog another woman.

Great Neb and jobby are wonderful. For a couple that have been together as long as they have, they still seem so much in love. Their rendition of Especially For You was underscored by a sense of real loving. Neb even wore a Kylie-circa-1987 wig to heighten the realism. Beautiful.

spinyNorm loveable Geordie that he is, launched into Fog On The Tyne with great gusto. Which was not only a joy, but a relief, as he'd been chanting "Get yer tits oot fer tha lads" at everyone who'd been on stage during the night.

call took a break from seducing the Swedish girls at the bar to take to the stage. He chose to give a very suave rendition of Leonard Cohen's Dance Me To The End of Love. The Swedish girls visibly melted, and soon after he finished, he left with his arms around two of them. Bastard.

Eventually, it was my turn. I had been preparing for this for weeks, learing the lyrics, perfecting each nuance. Finally, I was allowed to unleash my cration - my reworked version of MacArthur Park. Sadly, during the 18th verse, i noticed some people talking at the bar. I responded bby doing what any artist would do - I stormed off stage, locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out for the rest of the night.

Somehow, in the absence of my greatness, they decided to carry on with the karaoke, giving Kidas a chance to sing Turning Japanese. Sadly, he insisted on making squinty Chinaman eyes throughout the song, much to the disgust of the Asian members of the audience. Still, he's only a kid, and has to be forgiven these things.

The_Oolong_Man man was in no state to sing after drinking six cups of his "special herbal tea", so it was up to
insanefuzzie to send the crowd home on a high. Sadly, he chose to sing Flying Without Wings instead, which brought everyone down. It seems he was in the last 6 for Westlife and has never gotten over the pain of losing out to that Cian tosser, so now he haunts the London Karaoke circuit, singing Westlife songs and showing the world what it was missing. And to be fair, he is better than the guys in the band, but I must ask again - what's with all the pelvic thrusting.

So, was that the end of the night? Of course not. Right on cue, Gritchka staggered in the door, downed a double gin and tore into New York, New York. The crowd leaped to their feet, sang along, and at the end carried him off in their arms to a heroes party.

Or so I'm told. I was still in the bathroom. Still - a good night was had by all, and I can't wait for the next one. How about next time, we all find a comedy open mike night?

Please note - some events may not have occurred exactly a described above.