Seen above looking like Carmen Sandiego Tijuana (no offense to Tijuana, the outlet stores there were a major part of my childhood), Charlie Sheen has officially responded to the lawsuit that his ex-goddess/fiancee Brett Rossi put in a pipe for him to smoke up. Brett Rossi (government name: Scottine Ross) is suing Charlie for the emotional distress she says he caused her by being abusive in more ways than one. Brett claimed in the court papers she filed that Charlie verbally and physically abused her, didn’t tell her about being HIV+ and made her get an abortion. Charlie filed his response to Brett’s lawsuit in court yesterday, and he obviously didn’t write it himself, because it’s missing Shakespearean phrases like “salt-less reputations” and “washed up piglet shame pile.”

Brett stated in her lawsuit that she continued to do it bareback-style with Charlie after she found out about his status, because she wanted to be like a “normal couple” with him. She also said that after he dumped her, she threatened to sue him for abuse. She never filed, because he agreed to pay her a bunch of money. Charlie went back on that deal after his Today show interview. In the papers he filed, Charlie called Brett an “extortionist” who is lying about pretty much everything and has it all twisted. According to UsWeekly, Charlie denied forcing Brett to get an abortion and claimed she’s the one who turned into a drunk monster of rage when she didn’t get what she wanted. Charlie thinks that Brett is out for revenge and money because he cut her off financially. Charlie also shamed Brett for boning a lot of people when he’s probably boned more:

“This is a case by an extortionist, Scottine Ross aka Brett Rossi . . . who gets paid for sex as a prostitute and a porn star,” the petition argues. Sheen’s camp alleges in the document that Rossi has “attempted to extort millions of dollars by disclosing Sheen’s medical condition even though she had signed a confidentiality agreement.”

According to the documents, Rossi’s “extortion plan” included filing her lawsuit, issuing a press release, and embarking on a media tour “designed to put additional pressure on Sheen.”

“Rossi is banking on the fact that Sheen will pay her millions of dollars to avoid the negative publicity surrounding this action,” Sheen and his team allege in the documents. According to the claims in the court documents, Rossi was “well aware of Sheen’s medical condition” and “was the one who insisted upon having unprotected sex with Sheen.” The actor also claims that Rossi had other partners at the time of her relationship with Sheen, and given her occupation “as a porn star,” that she’s had “hundreds, if not thousands of sexual partners” exposing her to sexually transmitted diseases.

E! News adds that Charlie echoed what Brett said in her papers. Charlie stated that Brett wanted to be like a “normal couple,” which is why she agreed to wet hump without rubbers.

There are three sides to every story and in this case, every side is a mess.

I don’t exactly know what a “normal couple” is, but let’s just say that doing it without protection is a “normal couple” thing to do. So, they’re doing it normal couple-style and when Brett looks up, she sees Charlie blowing crack smoke into another trick’s cooch while giving two of his drug dealers hand jobs as an episode of Anger Management plays in the background. That shit is far from normal! And just so we’re clear, the “Anger Management playing in the background” part is what’s weird to me and just disgusting kink I could never get into. The rest, totally normal!

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