At An Impasse.

I have a couple meatier posts I want to write, but this one needed to come first, I think, because it is, well, a first.

I am blessed and very lucky that Mr. Mister doesn’t place too many restrictions upon my existence—or, rather, that they don’t feel like too many to me. I know that when I’ve shared some of them [no getting married unless it’s for a reason like medical insurance, no bearing children, no growing my hair out, and that a large part of our relationship—maybe most of it—is dependent upon my gender identification], some people have gotten all upset on my behalf because it seems so strict and so unkind but, really, I don’t feel that way most of the time. Some of it tweaks me now and then, but, in the long run, giving up those things [or conforming to them] every ounce of pain and distress and occasional unhappiness is worth it.

That would be the end of the story, most of the time—that I have restrictions and that I am accepting, if not happy, about them. Except, something has changed. Something that I had previously classified as a ‘want’ in my life—something that I desired, but that my happiness was not contingent upon—has changed into a ‘need’–something that my happiness is very much tied to. The worst part of this situation? It is something that He has previously given me a firm ‘no, not ever’ on. In fact, it concerns possibly one of the core foundations of our relationship. I’m not to keen on discussing exactly what it is, as, for me, it is deeply intimate and involves other people who have not given their consent for me to write about them, so I apologize for being vague and kind of obtuse. I am not trying to deceive anyone; instead I am trying to maintain what shreds of privacy I have in my life, and the privacy of others.

It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t wake up suddenly knowing in the depths of my soul that this want was suddenly something that my happiness was contingent upon and that would make me kind of miserable to do without. Instead, it was slow and insidious. When I first found out it was a ‘no’, I was a little sad. It’s something I’ve never done with a human before, though I’ve come close, and it was something I had been hoping to experience in this lifetime. But, it was something He felt/feels incredibly strongly about, so I agreed. And then things started to happen. I started getting Feelings [fucking feelings] and I told them ‘no, thank you’. I avoided things that triggered those feelings and it was okay for awhile. I was pretty content, even though this particular thing was not actively at play, or I have felt that it hasn’t been actively at play, in myself and Mr. Mister’s relationship [I know, this is annoying as hell to read like this and I am sorry. Maybe some day I will tell the uncensored version, but not today]. I was content with His happiness and maybe that is where my mistake laid [more about that in a minute..]. In fact, when I realized this want had turned into a concrete need, I was absolutely horrified because I knew, at the very moment I realized it, just exactly the kind of ride I was in for over this. I didn’t want it to be a need, but there it was being all need-y.

So, I sat with it and sat with it and ignored it and denied it and did everything I damn well could to shove it under the bed in a lock box. Then, to my surprise [and I should have expected it, because all monsters come out to play at some point], the box broke and the monster was standing in the middle of my bedroom with its hands on its hips, demanding that I pay attention to it, feed it, and, ultimately, find a solution that doesn’t involve me being miserable all the time and resentful of things that I don’t want to feel resentful about or Mr. Mister being unhappy and therefore bringing about change in an area of my life where I really don’t want the kind of change He could potentially bring. The situation that brought the monster out isn’t a surprise, really, but I was unprepared for it in a lot of ways and am still trying to figure out how to handle that while managing the monster.

It has been an awful week because of it. It sucks. I have cried more this week than I think I have in the last year. I have cried when I wake up in the morning, I have cried when I have gone to sleep. I have cried during my devotional time with Him, I have cried on the phone with Boyfriend, I have cried at work. I have even cried sitting in my car outside the fucking laundromat before I went in to wash my clothes. Hell, I’m teary writing this. It’s like waking up in the morning to having my heart ripped out and making it through the day with that awful, awful ache and crawling back into bed only to have it repeated again the next morning. It’s like a horrible version of Groundhog Day and this hasn’t even hit the REALLY hard part yet. Since I have been in treatment for my mental illness, I have not ever felt feelings this strong and it has been a minute-to-minute struggle not to lose my shit at inopportune moments because I just don’t fucking know how to parse this.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve been managing it somewhat and that management is helpful, though it doesn’t solve the problem. I have practically written a novel about this privately. It has gone from anger to sorrow to depression to problem-solving to outright wailing. I have done an immense amount of praying—probably more over this than anything else in my life ever—and I have made my case to Him as best as I know how, though I probably have not been very graceful about it. And, for now, that’s all I can do. I don’t have a lot of people I can talk about this with because it requires a pretty long explanation of my relationship with Mr. Mister and a whole bunch of other stuff that involves at least two other situations that involve relationships and relationship dynamics of their own. It’s exhausting to think about, but, as I write this, I’ve thought of at least one person who might be a willing participant in my oh-my-gods-what-the-fuck-do-I-do-now-and-how-do-I-handle-this process. It’s really hard in my life to find people who are familiar with all the aspects of this particular tangle of dynamite and who aren’t a conflict of interest.

It has been immensely hard to turn to Mr. Mister and say ‘I am not happy with this and I feel it needs to change’. He could very well say ‘I see. No.’ and that would likely be the end of it and I don’t have a lot of recourse for that because there is a significant power dynamic between us and I gave up a lot of my consent when I signed on with Him. I mean, I could outright go against what I understand to be His wishes but, if He still holds the same opinion/expectation that He has before, that could be catastrophic for my life and for some other people’s lives. So, instead, I have made Him a loose offer and I’m probably going to codify it and write it all down tonight while I’m at work, so I remember exactly what I have said and so I can show it to other people and so I have a record of what I need and what I am willing to give up in this particular moment.

There are two other interesting factors at play in this.

Since I have asked for leniency in this particular area, I have been experiencing feelings that I haven’t had before. Usually when I have approached this topic, I have been firmly shut down—like, even thinking about it has had a big flashing billboard that says ‘no’ on it. However, I feel like that has changed and that there is some give and some possible changes. I am not, however, ready to trust this as I am probably the least objective person in this situation. With that in mind, I am currently sussing out whether a sit-down talk with Him embodied is a possibility or a probability. I am in a position that, despite these feelings, I am unwilling to take action until it is really fucking crystal clear that I am not going to blow my life, my relationship with Mr. Mister, and a few other things that are vitally important to me into little itty bitty pieces of human emotion. When I first started getting these feelings, I immediately remembered that He has requested more than once that I trust my own judgement and, to be completely honest, this is a time where that terrifies me because, as I said, I don’t feel I can be objective nor do I feel like I have all the information I need.

The other thought is a bit more conniving. What if this is a set-up? He is a God of negotiation and pushing boundaries. What if He wants me to negotiate my way out of this? That doesn’t scare me as much as the next part, because I feel like I’m on some pretty solid ground right now and that I have made good points. What if this is a test? He has made it pretty clear that He does not want me to sublimate my feelings or my happiness for anyone else [including Him?] and that He doesn’t want a doormat/yes-man. I was told not that long ago that there was a test coming for me that involved me seizing my own happiness and, while I’m not hurrying to place this awful situation in that box, it is interesting and convenient. I wouldn’t put it past Him to use this situation to prove that point. After all, He can be a Bastard when He wants to be or when there’s a lesson to be learned. Perhaps this is about pushing me to a point where I can no longer sublimate said happiness, because I am really fucking good at that.

I only reached the last part of this realization while writing this, so I’m fresh in the middle of some goddammit-what-the-fuck feelings. I’m not ready to say it’s a perfect fit, but it’s awfully convenient and you can believe that I will be exploring this avenue thoroughly immediately.

Through all of this, I am reminded that I am a broken [sometimes very broken] piece of human meat with human wants, human needs, and human desires. The thing that has kept me from jumping off the metaphorical bridge over this [no, I’m not serious but, yes, the situation is pretty fucking dire to me. This is pretty much the first time I have honestly said that perhaps death is an enviable position to have based on the current conflict. Yes, I know that is rather dramatic, but this fucking sucks like nothing else.] is that He has always sought my happiness. He has never placed me in a situation to make me miserable nor has He ever done anything to intentionally make me miserable. It sounds like bragging and I swear it’s not—it’s me looking at the situation holistically—but He never denied me something I have needed or even wanted deeply and that plays two ways for me here: I should be fucking grateful for what I have [and I am], and that I should stop worrying and being so incredibly angsty and unhappy over this [but, right now, I can’t]. So, there. I have absolutely no words of wisdom to offer, no special insight, and all I can say is that I wish I had realized the importance of this situation years ago and that I hadn’t shrugged it off so casually. Lesson well learned thus far.