How to survive the zombie apocalypse

By CAMI CRIMIN

TX. Correspondent

The following is written as if we are in the beginnings of an Extinction Level Event. I will be your survival guide for the duration of this article. Enjoy.

LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY! The streets are filled with disgusting, horrifying creatures. They have no sense of right or wrong, are bent on destruction, smell disgusting, and speak only in a series of unintelligible noises.

No, I don’t mean babies; I mean ZOMBIES. Most of our government is dead, and the rest are useless anyway. In this dire time, I have been chosen to teach you how to survive.

I know what you are thinking: “Why is this child trying to teach me how to survive the zombie apocalypse?” Well, I can assure you that this 16-year-old girl knows … stuff. About ... things. Anyway, prepare to learn.

1. Weapons

It’s time to choose a weapon. I’m sure you’ve seen TV shows and movies where the hero seems to have infinite bullets in his or her gun, AND hits the zombies in the head every time. Sorry pal, but you are not NEARLY that lucky, and you probably have terrible aim.

Now that a gun is out, you need to pick something else. I would suggest an ax or machete. Neither needs reloading, and you are guaranteed to AT LEAST slow a zombie down on your first try. Plus, you’d look super sick walking down the road carrying an ax. The zombies might just avoid you because you are too cool.

2. Don’t pick fights with the living or the dead

If you are driving down the road on your first day as a zombie hunter, and you see one lone zombie wandering around, just drive past. Do you honestly want your headstone to say, “John Smith: He died because he picked a fight with something that has the motor skills of an elderly person.”

Unless you are a VERY slow driver, the zombie is not going to catch up with you, so why would you put yourself at risk when a zombie is more likely to have its leg spontaneously fall off than it is to somehow follow you to your camp?

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You already have the dead after you, and unless you find that fun, you don’t want to double up and have a real live coherent person after you as well. If another person says, “Hey buddy, I haven’t eaten in five days,” and asks you for part of the huge deer you just killed, and you say no, you’ve pretty much guaranteed that you are going to wake up to see that that guy put a zombie in your tent.

Humans like revenge. Kill zombies, make friends with people.

3. Food and medicine

Food shouldn’t be hard to come by in the apocalypse. Most people probably just raided the grocery stores for Oreos and chips, and left canned food in their houses. I don’t know a single family where the kids would accept cream of mushroom goop and green beans for dinner (even though after a while of living on Airheads and Doritos, that goop might look pretty dang good). Look through some houses and grocery stores, and I guarantee you will find something to eat.

When it comes to medicine, you’ve got to be quick. Friendly muggers who give you helpful advice about medicine when your daughter is having an asthma attack do not exist. This isn’t World War Z, and people aren’t going to share. Get to the drugstores fast, and pick up the basics.

If someone gets the plague or something, I can’t help you. Just leave the person behind instead of going through that whole thing where someone is all self-sacrificial and says, “No, its fine. I want you to be safe. Leave me behind. I’ll be fine.” Just say, “Peace out homie,” and skedaddle. Running from zombies is great exercise, so YOU should stay pretty healthy.

4. General protection

You know how people in TV shows are always just walking into dark rooms or backing up without looking behind them? Yeah? Don’t do that. It should be obvious why not.

Zombies are stupid. They don’t hear you coming and think, “Hey. This guy is about to walk right into my waiting stomach. Better be quiet so I can sneak up on him.” ZOMBIES ARE VERY LOUD. THERE IS LITERALLY NO REASON FOR YOU TO GET SNUCK UP ON. I mean, unless you are deaf, in which case, I’m sorry, but you are probably going to die the minute you step outside. My condolences.

5. Armor and attire

Before I send you off, it’s time to talk about what to wear. Loose sweaters, jackets and T-shirts with miniskirts or short shorts are, like, SOOO in right now. If you want to wear that sort of thing, go right ahead. At least you can die confident in the fact that you looked really cute when that zombie grabbed all the loose fabric from your shirt and bit your freakin’ leg off. Seriously, do not wear loose clothes or leave your skin exposed unless you are begging for death!

Once you are properly dressed in something that is relatively formfitting AND covers all your skin, get some duct tape and magazines. Take a page out of Brad Pitt’s book in “World War Z” and wrap a magazine around your arm. Now, take some duct tape and wrap it around the magazine on your arm a few layers thick. Do that all over your arms, legs and torso, but DON’T duct tape your joints, or you won’t be able to move. You might look like you gained about 30 pounds but let’s see a zombie try to bite through all that paper and tape.

Alright. Now that you are looking sufficiently stupid, you are ready to go out into the world. Unless you are a complete idiot, you should be able to survive for quite a while in the right shelter with the right weapons.

Stay safe, friends.

Cami Crimin is a junior at Northridge High School. She enjoys reading, writing, drawing, cooking and doing FX and beauty makeup. Email her at doctorwho528491@gmail.com.