Sunday, February 19, 2006

this thought came to me as i was lookin at the bros n sistas in church.i dun believe imma very holy christian.nor am i the best example.so forgif me if i come off soundin really standoffish cuz its really not my intention.but im juz a curt person wen i haf a point to make so i'll always juz cut to the meat of the issue.

in the bible,it says tad we have te victory.thus we neednt worry bout other silly stuff tad is of the world.at the same time.we are in the world,and as human.we carry characteristics tad are OF the world into the church.

humans are manipulative pple.i can name you the usual weapons in the arsenal.

guilt trippin.emo strings pullin.yada yada.

endless weapons.ya'll know em.i know em.hell.i tink we've all used em at one point or another to get wad we wan.

but at the same time,i really believe the church should be a place where the word WORTHY shouldnt exist.we all know the christian walk is bloody tiring,strenous at the best of times.and yet at the same time,we shouldnt hafta prove ourselves worthy in the church.the Lord looks at our heart.not how we have proven ourselves to human standards.

i really honestly cant see the rationale behind why certain things are the way they are in church today.why the need fer sum seriously ridiculous stuff i see.the desperate rush of the younger ones who wanna be like the leaders followin the scent of blood.its become "THE INITIATION RITE"wen there shouldnt be one.why should pple hafta adhere to this standard tad are set by HUMANS,if they feel their heart is right wit God?why should their desire to want to serve be hindered by humanoid perceptions as to wad the standards are?i find it highly hypocritical.you can argue tad they are leaders,they hafta make sure every aspect is rite.

den again.i ask you.who the hell are you to judge.why get in way of their desire to serve?

i quote this sayin tad i read from a book.

"kill em all and let God sort em out"

why cant tis work.why should you be judgin this pple.let em do wad they so desire.if they are competent in their God given abilities,dun stop em.let em serve.if their hearts are wrong,they wanna do it cuza the fame,the glory,the whole seh of it,the Lord will deal wit em.

WHO gave you the right to be the avengin judgementation of God.i dun have anyone to blame.to me.its becomin like a company.the systematic "organisation heirachy" has be formed.my fear is tad it'll become sumthin OF the world and not a place where pple can find solace FROM the world.

those of you workin can alr see wad i mean.the muz meaningless things you hafta do in the name of operational procedure.things tad are utterly senseless but hafta be done to please sum human higher up in the company.i really dun wanna see the church be led like a business.

i was chattin wit this guy who came to my bar.he was a christian.and the reason why he left was cuz he was so disgusted at the church becomin like a business den remainin the solace from the rest of the world,the place to recharge n strengthen one's faith.you wanna know which church is he from?city harvest.i sincerely hope we dun go that way.

maybe imma tinkin too much again.but i really believe that certain signs are comin out alr.and if my lil thoughts here can help a lil.i sincerely hope it does.maybe sum1'll read my blog and pass on wad i say.i juz pray tinted glasses away,and all who lead,all who decides the system,look at the heart insteada the way the person lives.we're all in the world n guilty of bein of the world.dun judge n condemn.it sucks.

niwaez.i've got 5 posts tad are saved as drafts.teehee.havent had time to go back to me yet.oh wellz.really really tired.shall go nap a while.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

i dunno why,but i've got lotsa time to tink bout stuff recently.hmmm.maybe its those empty bus rides with chilly air cons and me huddlin in the corner wit an ipod which chooses crazily apt songs fer the moment be it christian,ballads,emo rock n all.emotive music i guess.its al the ipod's fault i guess.tsk.

niwaez.this here's the song of yest.and today.

Babyface's - The Loneliness

Im sitting hereThinking boutHow im gon-na do without You around in my life and how am I gon' get by I ain't got no days Just lonely nights You want the truthWell girl im not alrightFeel out of place and out of timeI think im gonna lose my mindSo tell me how you feel (im lonely)Are you for real (so lonely)Do you still think of me (i think of you)Baby still (You only)Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time)So let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)I think that i will never love again.I miss your face i miss your kiss I even miss the arguments That we would have from time to timeI miss you standing by my side I'm dying here its clear to see There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me Don't wanna live, I wanna dieIf I cant have you in my lifeSo tell me how you feel (im lonely)Are you for real (so lonely)Do you still think of me (i think of you)Baby still (You only)Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time, so lonely)Oh let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)I think that I will never love againsum1 that song was ghostinly apt last nite.you know.wen i came home last nite n i saw my sister awake talkin to her bf over the net,sumthin struck me.me n my sista always joked about it,but yea.i realise its terribly true.i need a gf like my sister.sum1 who's had years to know me,who understands me in and out,a strong individual who knows wen to and when not to cater to my rubbish.sum1 who knows wad to do to me and at the right time.but i guess.its unfair to ask it of any gal out there.no one in the world knows me like my family rite.:)so yea.but sumthings really sadden me.but i've made a decision to let em not affect me.so they shant.:)there's one aspect of life i always wished fer.tad is to always come home to somebody.esp if its a hard day's work.but irregardless.sum things will forever remain true.actions i regret will always be regretted cuz the solution's not in sight.to me the lines are clear cut,the priorities are set clear.maybe cuz i tink bout shat so much.

but i realised sumthin.being a 2nd,3rd,4th, anithin but position one priority of a certain sum1 sucks.but then again.life's a bitch n there's a lesson in this so who am i to complain.:)aft all.my insecurities prob hadta be solved one day i guess.mite as well be now.:)

aight.imma go try n see if wow still works.my subscription was supposed to end yest.:)teehee.

love n peace to all.

in keepin up wit times,im currently workin the floor at indochine's Bar Savanh at club street.that's close to chinatown fer those who wanna visit.:)from chinatown mrt its about 5 mins walk.im not yet behind the bar yet cuz i gotta learn and memorise the lists of cocktails n all before i can step behind n begin to mix drinks.but at the same time.it shouldnt be too long i guess.n hope.:)i mean.i came to learn a skill.lets hope the skill is well learnt.even if i make all of 20 drinks.if the 20 drinks help me entertain guests next time in my dream home which has a mini bar,i figure i've come out waaaaaaaay ahead.:)

come down n visit in 2 weeks!!!:)i figure i'll be behind the bar then.:)heh.i've made a grand total of 2 cocktails.mocktails la.pinky n sunshine.:)muzly juz fruit juices.:)but they are pretty tasty.:)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

certain things in my life have been happenin tad've made me stop n realise sumthin.i had a talk wit a certain sum1 last nite aft i put qq to bed.sum1 who's been in my life fer the past 4 yrs.gif or take a few.sum1 who's seen the people in my life drift n change.and yea.

i realised last nite tad i really am a selfish person.and tad dealin wit me especially if you actually care fer me can be highly hurtin.esp if you actually hope fer me to become sum1 respectable.sum1 tad you can be proud off.i realise there have been people in my life tad i've let down.pple in life tad i've lost the respect of.and the only way imma ever get back tad respect is if i finally become the person tad you pple see me bein.i can name a few offhand witout even tinkin.

and to this few.to those who actually cared about me in the past.the ones tad i've constantly paid lip service to but havent ever been able to bring the goods.i offer up sincere apologies.fer i am not yet the man you percieve me to be.

and its funny tad i find myself in a similiar position now.if only on the wrong side of things.i've found myself in your shoes.n now tad i know how it feels.

i regret not appreciatin you all last time.i regret self centeredness.watch n decide fer yaselves if you deem me worthy of your interest again.i am tryin.once again.but at the same time.pls look not with tinted glasses.i can try.but still.circumstances still rule the life of ben.

at the same time.i would like to beseech those wit pple interested in your life.do not take their interest fer granted.take me as your example n repeat not my mistakes.my story is yours should you ask.but do your best to cherish these people.should they leave.i can assure you.you will not be half the person tad you can and should be.take my word fer it.treasure these people.in other news,i've bought an organiser.to basically keep track of my life.A levels are comin out soon.im lookin forward to irt.hell.i dun wan anithin now but juz an option to have.any next higher institution of study will do.juz gimme a path to take.sighz.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

well.things have been interestin lately to say the least.i've had lotsa things tad triggered me tinkin tis past few days.

hmmm.niwaez.fever 1st.:)im quite amazed by it.cuz basically,i went to work at 10 in the mornin feelin fine,but started feelin giddier n giddier thruout the day.den finally i knew i was gonna screw up soon,so i asked the boss to release me.den while on the way home.i kinda got a fever spike.tad went all the way to 39.1which freaked me out like hell as did my family.and yeathank God it broke thru the nite.im now back to my 37. sumthin.but now its the stomach flu which is killin me.basically,the diagnosis was tad i have a flu,a stomach flu,a chest infection yea.makes you wonder how come i can still function.but as i always say.everythin's psychological.which is why wen i get taken down by a bug,i really get taken down.i never dramatise tis kinda stuff.cuz im always scared tad once its real and i keep actin it up,i'll get owned if i dun get help in time.hurrhurr.

niweaz.i signed up fer singapore idol.HAHAHAHAi intend to go see if i can actually make it.as sum1 close once said to me,it seems like im always in a contant race to prove sumthin to the world.in this is another challenge i guess.its true of me i know.so long as i see sumthin tad i feel a need to excel in,i kinda blow thru everythin includin myself till i've proven tad i am the bestif not,at elast capable of hangin in there till i can mix wit the top boys.:)shrugs.as sum well know i guess.the most recent bein my hockey endeavours i guess.God knows how many i alienated during my mad rush.

sighz.loadsa things happenin.i realised tad in life i kinda treat myself as the star of my own drama serial.i dunno if ya pple ever find it tad way,where you kinda like victimise yaself in everyway possible,wantin to be the muz liked thing/person the world has ever known.its kinda juz happens in my case.i know of a few others too.a common symptom is the ability to say the wisest things n at the same time do the silliest things.i have tis motto tad "if it aint fun,why bother doin it"basically,im in it fer the rush.a fren berated me once,sayin i was bein foolish n tad certain things NEVER will be composited entirely of fun,and if the game or event be undertaken,there will be other things involved,be it monetary losses,emotional losses,spiritual losses,and all.you get the pic.n true as it is,its never tad easy to let it all go is it?sumhow in life tragedy n memory of how one overcomes is all you haf to keep yaself goin?i guess i mite be doin a same thing here,but i hope sum pple out there would actually realise tad its happenin to em too.:)

hmmm.i shalll stop here cuz i dun wanna go into details of wad's eatin me.suffice to say tad frustration's beginnin to come about.im a demandin person i know.i demand the best outta myself if i deem it worthy.and at the same time,the best outta the pple tad take interest in wadever they deem worthy.

well.things have been interestin lately to say the least.i've had lotsa things tad triggered me tinkin tis past few days.

hmmm.niwaez.fever 1st.:)im quite amazed by it.cuz basically,i went to work at 10 in the mornin feelin fine,but started feelin giddier n giddier thruout the day.den finally i knew i was gonna screw up soon,so i asked the boss to release me.den while on the way home.i kinda got a fever spike.tad went all the way to 39.1which freaked me out like hell as did my family.and yeathank God it broke thru the nite.im now back to my 37. sumthin.but now its the stomach flu which is killin me.basically,the diagnosis was tad i have a flu,a stomach flu,a chest infection yea.makes you wonder how come i can still function.but as i always say.everythin's psychological.which is why wen i get taken down by a bug,i really get taken down.i never dramatise tis kinda stuff.cuz im always scared tad once its real and i keep actin it up,i'll get owned if i dun get help in time.hurrhurr.

niweaz.i signed up fer singapore idol.HAHAHAHAi intend to go see if i can actually make it.as sum1 close once said to me,it seems like im always in a contant race to prove sumthin to the world.in this is another challenge i guess.its true of me i know.so long as i see sumthin tad i feel a need to excel in,i kinda blow thru everythin includin myself till i've proven tad i am the bestif not,at elast capable of hangin in there till i can mix wit the top boys.:)shrugs.as sum well know i guess.the most recent bein my hockey endeavours i guess.God knows how many i alienated during my mad rush.

sighz.loadsa things happenin.i realised tad in life i kinda treat myself as the star of my own drama serial.i dunno if ya pple ever find it tad way,where you kinda like victimise yaself in everyway possible,wantin to be the muz liked thing/person the world has ever known.its kinda juz happens in my case.i know of a few others too.a common symptom is the ability to say the wisest things n at the same time do the silliest things.i have tis motto tad "if it aint fun,why bother doin it"basically,im in it fer the rush.a fren berated me once,sayin i was bein foolish n tad certain things NEVER will be composited entirely of fun,and if the game or event be undertaken,there will be other things involved,be it monetary losses,emotional losses,spiritual losses,and all.you get the pic.n true as it is,its never tad easy to let it all go is it?sumhow in life tragedy n memory of how one overcomes is all you haf to keep yaself goin?i guess i mite be doin a same thing here,but i hope sum pple out there would actually realise tad its happenin to em too.:)

hmmm.i shalll stop here cuz i dun wanna go into details of wad's eatin me.suffice to say tad frustration's beginnin to come about.im a demandin person i know.i demand the best outta myself if i deem it worthy.and at the same time,the best outta the pple tad take interest in wadever they deem worthy.