One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Blogus Interruptus

Sorry bitches, but there will be no blog this week. When I heard my plastic surgeon couldn't afford $500 to fix his Jeep, my clam breasticles clinked to the floor and now I must search the eastern seaboard in search of a doctor who works with marine life.

However, in the meantime, please submit your own comments about last night's episode and, if you can, solve the following mysteries for me:

What the hell are Jugs and ChaCha thinking?!?Why did Tarzan vote for Leif?Don't you think production should have forced Tarzan to read his letter aloud?Will you even notice that Leif isn't there anymore?Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

My apologies again. I will be back here next week with lobster claws on.

33 comments:

1) Jugs and ChaCha are thinking nothing, as always.2) Tarzan is insane. Only explanation, lots of evidence.3) I wanted to hear his insane family member's ramblings too!4) Who's Leif? Oh the guy who slept in the crate. Didn't he seem alright with being voted out? I think he went for the experience more than the end prize. Oh, and if he wanted to sleep under the stars, he shouldn't have climbed into the crate every night (although I guess he was still under the stars in the crate). Won't even notice he's gone, hardly noticed he was there to begin with!

I don't know why Tarzan voted for Leif either. After he so gently and lovingly rinsed the little guy off in the surf much like a father would wipe dirt off the face of his young son. I was waiting for Tarzan to spit into the rag to remove a particularly stubborn piece of face-paint from Leif's nose. The whole scene was endearing....and a little weird.

I can only guess why Alicia and Cha-Cha (can't think of her real name) hitched their wagons to Troyzan's train. Because he's on the crazy train and is winning and trying to intimidate the bloomers off of all the Survivors. And since Alicia and Cha-Cha have come around, whatever Troyzan's doing is working.

I'm sure there's more to it than that because I had too many distractions during the episode. Why won't people leave me the hell alone and let me watch my shows goddamnit!?

I know, that freaked me out too. $500? Is he a cheapskate or is he the kind of plastic surgeon who grafts Barbie dolls together with mr sticky?

Chacha and jugs are morons. But then again Troyzan shouldn't have Been mouthing off Kim was to go, if he was going to vote that way. She had balls not to play that idol UNLESS Tarzan is working with her and we're not seeing it. I don't know if the PS method is just being soo unlikeable ppl will take you to final 3, but I think that's his plan. He be a moron too. We all know who top 4 is, but I wonder who Kim really wants to take to final three. Will she risk Sabrina and Chelsea?

Cha-Cha, Jugs, and Tarzan are all enjoying delusions of grandeur. Neither Cha-Cha nor Jugs seem able to admit to themselves they are actually at the bottom of the girl's alliance.

I am not surprised Jugs feels this way. She is a certified self-absorbed kick-em-while-they're-down mean girl moron. I absolutely expect stupidity from her.

It is surprising to me that Cha-Cha didn't take advantage of the opportunity to flip. She KNOWS she was to be the next girl out before Queen Colton engineered the immunity giveaway. Her decision to vote with the girls again demonstrates a profound lack of situational awareness OR an insane belief in her own ability to engineer a flip AFTER all the boys have been dispatched.

This type of delusional behavior happens almost every season. People at the bottom of a large alliance almost NEVER see themselves at the bottom and are eventually and rightfully led like sheep to slaughter by the leaders of the alliance.

Tarzan's delusion is that he believes he can use his "superior intellect" to sway the jury in his favor if he can only get to the final 3. He's Phillip Shepard without the tats or the hot pink undies. He just doesn't realize how obnoxious and socially inept he really is. Sadly, I think he has a MUCH better chance to reach the finale than either Cha-Cha or Jugs.

Will any of the girls EVER turn on Kim before it's too late? That seems to me to be only significant issue to be settled before the finale.

I don't know either why Jugs or Cha Cha would not like to improve their chances in this game, it must be so frustrating for Troyzan. And yes why did Tarzan vote for Leif, after their beautiful moment in the water together.But Kim and her top 4 alliance live on. It's hard to fathom the hold she has got over 5 other women.

Cha Cha and Jugs are obviously extremely co-dependent. I can't believe how those two are now suddenly 'besties' after the way Colton and Jugs treated Cha Cha in the past.

Was anyone else amazed at Tarzan this episode? He nearly won immunity and didn't have any completely insane moments. I think the $500 shocks were just another smoke screen to mask the truth.

Troyzan, you're pretty much my hero now. I've only seen a couple people in history rub a win in the loser's faces like you did. I hope you succeed in knocking Handlebar out.

How much do you want to bet that if Handlebar wins, the first thing she buys is a pair of tits?

This season has been edited too much, and in such a way to manufacture misdirection and a false sense of reality as to what is really going on. I know they do that just about every season, but the editing this season seems to be much more noticeable.

Dear Greg,We regret to inform you that your employment at Fake Plastic Surgery Inc. has been unfortunately terminated. We've received reports that you are masquerading as one of our surgeons on network television and as a result we have begun to lose both recurring and potential clients.

Once you admit your mistake and state your true position to the country, your position as Bio-hazard Janitor at Fake Plastic Surgery Inc. will be restored and you'll be welcome to return to work.

We've included measuring tape, a pricing sheet and a self address stamped envelope along with this letter so you can return return to sender with the preliminary statistics we'll need for the following procedures:Kim's breast enlargement.Kat's brain implant.Alicia's breast reduction.Sabrina's upper lip electrolysis.

The Book Club continues, although this episode was a bit more interesting, and that is saying something. No matter how much Survivor hypes the possible change factor, Cha Cha and Jugs and now Tarzan are instinctively following the dominant female(Handlebar) using the woman's power ruse. But, I am getting the impression that a couple of the ladies are showing their real man hating personalities which Troysan is starting to exploit. The producers must have been scrambling every day this season, but their efforts have been for not, nothing has changed, it's the rerun of the past few seasons where the alliance will lead all to slaughter with a less than satisfying winner.

Jugs didn't flip to Troy (refuse to include the zan--just too weird) because she is stupid and clueless.

ChaCha, I believe, possibly wanted to flip---but there is really no point in flipping if you're not sure you have the numbers. So if she thought Jugs was a no-go, she should be too. And maybe both of them are hoping to be the unlikable goat that is dragged to the end.

It's weird--because it seems like there's some B/Rob style things going on: It seems that everyone thinks that Kim will bring them to the end. ....But if that is the case, then why isn't production showing us a little more of what's going on? Why are we *always* wondering why Dr Dimento voted the way he did?

The other thing that's going on ala-boston-rob is that zombies are playing again. Many zombies in this game. unreal. Everyone (except apparently Kim and finally Troy) feels either overly safe or very under-uninvested in actually winning.

As for Dr Dimento wanting to keep his $500...It plays into Lala's previous suggestion that the Doc may be playing the Phillip role on purpose. Yes, the 'Doc' has some natural insanity going on--but there is evidence that he is playing it up on purpose. ...And both of those freaks have scarred me with images of their undies.

As for Leif--I was only sad that we didn't get to see him stage 2 of the immunity challenge. Remember how AWEsome he was, jumping up and down those big boxes, and then bouncing that coconut? The dude was spectacular to watch. It made me wish that all the other players had to climb boxes proportional to their height.

Can you imagine how big the boxes would've had to have been for Carson Daly's Mega-Me???

I'll come back looking for the bitchy blog later. I'm itching to see the Prune getting dissected just a little more!

Chacha and Jugs are not thinking. Even though they will be the first voted out after the men are gone, they do not want to make a move....Tarzan voted for Leif to stay aligned with the women......As for reading aloud the letter; the correspondence is afoot.....Who was Leif?...... I have not read the other comments, but don't you think we need to discuss Troyzan's comments about women "getting the house and car, etc. and then getting rid of the man once they have everything they wanted." Wow, some issues there.

Posted by Exfighterpilot:Colette, I'm one of the "Bible-thumpers" you dislike, but I have to admit, your blog cracks me up every week! Too funny! Hurry back! In my view:Tarzan is NOT the idiot we take him to be. He initially tried to fit in, but came to realize he can't. With so few players remaining though, he now knows if he votes with the women they will take him to the end as a stooge, under the presumption no one will give him the money. He knows that you can't get to 1st place unless you at least secure a place in the final 3. His confidence was displayed last week when he wore Monica's blouse to tribal council, as that allows him to continue to appear strange without being personally offensive to any specific person.Jugs also thinks she is safe (and I might agree) as a stooge to take to the Final 3.ChaCha might be thinking the same, but she is wrong, since either Jugs or Tarzan (if not both) will get the stooge slot(s) in final 3.The REAL battle is coming, when Kim, Chelsea, or Sabrina finally break the alliance to eliminate one of their friends to make room for one or more stooges.Bottom line, this is NOT the worst season ever due to the fault of the contestants. There is FAR more discussion and strategy going on than we see. These players appear more stupid than they are because the producers are trying to create twists through their editing, and they are screwing it up.Love your blog! Hurry back!

The dumbest survivors ever. These people are barely playing the game. Did you see how Sabrina and Kim and 'nem all got quiet when Troyzan started describing how they could easily be taken down and picked off by the 5 outcasts. Kim and Company are morons for not having figured that out. They were so cocky. The girls also are not thinking to the jury votes either. The way they totally screwed the guys over ruthlessly, I think we can be assured that if there is a man in final three he will get all the male votes out of spite, and the two girls will split the female vote. Maybe that is what Tarzan is counting on, because I cannot see why he would vote Leif.

My excitement last night is diminished by lack of LaLa. I'm sure she'll be back better than ever even if we won't recognize her after the reconstruction. A good job so far from the lesser bitches. It's my turn.

I watched in awe as I wondered what the heck those folks are drinking.

The Cha Cha luster fan must have blown a gasket last night. She seemed to have had some work done while she slept. Seemed bustier than usual, perhaps Tarzan was bored. I hope we get to see what crawls or falls out in a future episode.

Trozzie showed up. Beat me Bitches. It's about time someone ruffled some feathers even if he can't really back it up. He barely beat Tarzan even when he had the advantage of skipping a portion. I still loved the gloating. Ball Cap proved how humble she is by saying she 'beat' him and everyone else in the last individual challenge that everyone conceded. She might be partialy correct, I forget if Troy actually tried to win or not. Leif probably never had a second thought about that mistake last week. There goes my little person hero, for no particular reason I'm aware of. Is he what Kit Kat Kandy tripped on when she was getting her food reward?

I loved it when Ball Cap was describing her options. She used both hands to count to 2.

Trozzie drew a perfectly executed diagram that Jugs and Cha Cha had no reason to ignore. Unless I'm mistaken they both voted for Tarzan. What does that say? They didn't know the 4 gal alliance was voting for Leif? So, they chucked a vote that was not all girl solid and put themselves on Tarzan's hit list with a reason for him to do so.

We're surely missing something. Tarzan can't climb that hill over all the women in his way. I am also wondering why Kim has that much confidence she didn't play her idol.

I enjoyed the show for a change. Is someone making a statement of how things happen when God isn't speaking to you in your dreams?

It's silly to try to imagine what is going to happen next, especially when thinking about the jury so far and who has any advantage when it comes to a winner vote.

One issue not raised here - Troyzan did NOT knock his final window out in the immunity challenge! He hit the frame and that caused the window to fall. If that was ok, then someone could simply fire all missiles at the base, hitting the support leg and causing windows to fall over without ever striking one directly. A technicality, yes. But I've seen them not count other similar situations.

Blogus Interruptus againus?! I must consultus with my lickspittle assistantus...

M, come here at once! Whatus do you make of thisus?

"Well my Liege, forgive my crude language but I think she chose an excellent episode to unblog. There was only one scene that I was particularly curious to see what she might conjure a little fantastic glitter from, and that was the extended sequence depicting TarZAN tenderly cleaning the face of Lief. As I was watching it my first instinct was to laugh, but as the scene unfolded I found myself becoming rather emotional. Tears welled in my eyes as I watched the two outsiders share a moment in the breaking waves of a distant Samoan beach. I was reminded that one of the primary attractions of this game is seeing people from vastly disparate walks of life come together and interact. Then, as TarZAN continued to wipe the midget's face, I found myself becoming a little horny. Previously I was nonplussed by midget porn, but now I kinda get it. May I suggest a theme for your next toga party, my Liege?"

You mayus!

"Well, I humbly suggest a "midget gangbang" theme. I know you are partial to both oysters and snails, therefore I think we should invite both varieties. What do you think?"

I thinkus you have been fucking about on the internetus too muchus! You're firedus! Guards! Take him awayus!

I apologize for my assistantus Ms Lala, he will be beheadedus immediatelyus.

See you next weekus!

(As his final words M said...I hope you were not forced to sit next to any obnoxious people during your travels. Have a safe trip and we'll see you for the conclusion of this woeful season. We all know that a shark is circling and Jeff Probst is being fitted for waterskies but damn if Survivor hasn't been fun over the years.

Fishbach's column is spot on this week. I know it's rude but I'm gonna provide a link for my fellow BSB readers because, you know, Blogus Interruptus. His blog isn't glittery like yours, but beggars can't be choosers. We need a fix). http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20588514,00.html

Ah, sorry about that. Obviously my comment was not meant as a reply to Anonymous. I must have clicked on the wrong spot. Also, what the hell are waterskies? I need a new proofreader!I apologize for my sloppiness Anonymous and Lala. In my normal job as a plastic surgeon I am far more precise. For compensation I am happy to offer a free procedure to you both. Lala, I can fix your clamshell tits. Anonymous, I can add 3 inches. Call me on 1 800 TarZANUS to book an appointment. I assure you both that my scalpels are free of dirt and poop. Except on Fridays. Friday is my naughty day.

Congratulations Leif! You played perhaps the most forgettable game of Survivor history. Hope you enjoyed the experience.

I get how some people could find Troyzan annoying, but damn I love his spirit. You can't help but root for the guy.

Unbelievable how stupid/blind Alicia and Christina are unless they're editing out some footage that we're not seeing. Almost like they are unaware that an actual game is going on right in front of their eyes that they are refusing to play. Would definitely love to see just how Kim got everyone tied around her finger. She's played stupendously so far.

One thing's for sure, this season is showing you polar opposites of "How to play Survivor" vs. "How not to play Survivor."

It's fairly hard to get too excited over Troyzan's last stand. That last stand would not be happening if 1. the men had not consented to Colton's insane plan to vote off one of their own or 2. Troyzan had actually checked out Kim's claim that Mike was gunning for him.

That was certainly an eventful episode. I couldn't believe how the whole tribe dynamic suddenly turned into Handlebar, Sabrina, Prunes, et al v. Troyzan. I do not blame the guy at all for having that "the world is against me" mentality. You have to admire him for not being weak, like Tarzan and Leif, and refusing to go quietly, even if it is partly his own fault that he's in this situation. At this point, I find it hard not to fully root for Troyzan. Hopefully, he'll pull off a run like Fabio had in Survivor: Nicaragua.

Now, to those mysteries:

A. To no one's surprise, ChaCha and Jugs are just clueless players. ChaCha has to be one of the most submissive contestants in Survivor history. Jugs is not quite like that, but probably feels that she's closer to the 4-woman alliance than she actually is. Oh, if only the men did not VOLUNTEER to go to that tribal oh so many episodes ago, then Jugs would have been long gone.

B. I think that even Phillip Sheppard would call Tarzan crazy. (Notice that Tarzan finally gave his Mighty Tarzan call this episode. Where has that been all season?) Anyway,Tarzan seems to me like one of those players who, for whatever reason, decides to vote for whoever he thinks is actually going home (if so, he's 5 for 6, according to Wikipedia). Otherwise, I have not the slightest clue!

C. Yes, Tarzan should have read off his letter. Then again, be careful what you wish for!

If we assume Kim is the leader of the girl's alliance, and the producers are certainly leading us to believe she is, then we have to give her credit for bravery. During the last two tribal councils the girl's alliance (the 6 women plus freakin' Tarzan) have engineered a split vote to guard against a hidden immunity idol being played.

During the most recent tribal had even 1 Leif vote (Tarzan, for example) gone toward Kim instead then the vote total would have been 3 for Tarzan, 3 for Leif, and 3 for Kim. Kim would have been facing a revote WITHOUT the possibility of hidden immunity idol protection giving any of her allies who might be dissatisfied with THEIR position in the alliance a golden opportunity to rid themselves of their strongest player.

It probably would not have made a difference considering the sheep-like character of her allies but it would have made for riveting television. Kudos to Kim for taking the risk. This is the stuff winners are made of.

Yeah, when Kim DIDN'T play her idol at tribal, despite knowing that Troy was gunning for her, I began to realise just how much control she has. Man, I want a switch up, a backstab, ANYTHING! C'mon sheeple! There's a fat cheque at the end of this GAME!

Ah, screw it. Reality TV is over. Scripted Reality? Dramality? Gimme a break. Maybe the reason we have such strong fiction TV these days (Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Downton Abbey et al) is because of an equal and opposite reaction to the fading reality TV genre that Survivor kickstarted. Hey, it's a theory!

After saying the love was gone for Troyzan last week, I have to completely recant that statement! He ROCKED this week! I was hoping beyond all hope that he would win immunity and wipe all their bitch faces in it, and per my request, that's exactly what he did. Sounds like he will really stir the pot next week and take advantage of the the girls having a spat. If he can get Cha Cha to wake up from her daze and Jugs to realize the other women are NOT going to take her to the end, he might just pull this thing off.

I agree with everyone else on the editing thing too - there's got to be sooooo much going on that we aren't getting to see. Why does everyone hate Cha Cha so much? Did Cha Cha and Jugs vote they way they did per instruction from Handlebars?

Even though Leif wasn't much of a strategic player, I'll miss seeing him in challenges and I still want to put him in footie jammies and read him a bedtime story.

Please don't hire Kat to handle any money for you, the increments of twenty thing was a bit much for her.

Maybe we can take up a contribution for shocks for Tarzan, those poor surgeons don't make much you know.

If I'm ever on Survivor, and spend my auction money on stupid doughnuts, instead of holding out for something substantial, you all have permission to kick my ass.

I don't record anything so I'm one and done for details and reminders. I guess that makes me dependent on Lala.

I was wondering if anyone knows who had any money left after the auction. Perhaps Tarzan hustled some cash for his shocks by selling his vote?

There is certainly too much food and we don't see anyone fishing or pleasure boating on the SS Vagina. Apparently even the tourists are bored to death. Did anyone find it odd that a human skull would be lying at the water's edge? That's bound to be where the hidden idol is, or should be. There's no chance I wouldn't gather that up for a souvenir. Two would make an awesome pair of implants. Lala could work that pair. "Hey babe, want some head?" Bam, her blouse buttons fly off like rocket propelled jelly beans. "Be careful, the one on the right has teeth. Comes in hand for lemon zest near the gin nipple."

If Troyzan comes back to the campsite with a human skull the rest will scream like little boys and quit the game. Except maybe Tarzan. His letter was from Dimples. Vote for Leif, we know where you dispose of your patients.

One more question is; How will Troyzan look for the hidden idol since he's already faked finding it? That was clever as a bluff but it offers no protection. He has to find it or win challenges. Another good use for skull on a stick. While everyone runs away he can rummage through Kim's stuff and steal her idol. Who am I kidding, he's most likely toast in the next episode. I would take one last leisurely ride on the Vagina real soon.

lief acts like this was an excuse to sleep on the beach, not a contest for a million dollars. he is such a spineless milquetoast. i truly believe he was on some prescription drugs and he was running out towards the end, and would rather have his xanax than a chance at winning this game. kat trying to sound like a serious negotiator while being unable to grasp the concept of twenty dollar increments cracked me up. "Hey, there's BACON on this BLT!! Betcha didn't know that, LOSERS!!! Yay MEEEE!!!!" kat: a great place to visit, but i wouldn't want to live there.

kat and alicia dont seem as buddy buddy as they did before. i wonder why.... so i guess kat's their little adopted child tag-along and jugs and cha cha are tag-alongs to the tag-along of the main alliance