The Wives of Pedophiles Often Know the Truth

The Jerry Sandusky trial has put pedophilia front and center in recent weeks, and I’ve heard more grotesque details about the abuse of multiple boys than I can stomach. Yes, it turns out Sandusky is guilty, so he’ll go to prison as he should for committing the crimes. But what about the adults around him who knew and covered it up or suspected but chose to ignore it? Moreover, what about the other adult in Sandusky’s home – his wife? When it comes to his wife, a wife can be guilty of child endangerment, too. One must wonder what was his wife thinking all those years when her husband must have lit up like a Christmas tree every time a young boy came over – and spent the night, to boot.

Sandusky isn’t the first man who’s been accused of pedophilia. Though his case is the one that’s hogging the spotlight now, many other lesser-known cases came before him. In many pedophilia cases, the men, like Sandusky, were married. I think it’s time we consider what’s going on in the mind of these women. Simply put, the knowledge and insight of years of clinical experience tell me that these women – Sandusky’s wife, included – sometimes knew that something was a little off.

On occasion, the news reports stories of isolated sexual abuse cases. In these instances, the perpetrators can successfully hide their behavior from others close to them. In Sandusky’s case, however, the abuse impacted at least ten boys over a period of many years – and these are just the boys who came forward. My point: there was a long-term pattern. As a parent myself, I can relate to appreciating children. As a therapist, I can additionally relate to caring for children and adults who come from impoverished backgrounds, as was the case with some of the boys Sandusky molested. That said, I don’t feel the need or interest in having a host of young kids spend the night at my house. It goes without saying that I’m like most people in this respect.

Consider your own circumstances for a moment. If your husband or wife had such an incredible interest in this population of children – attention directed toward only one sex, mind you – you would probably think it’s a little unusual. Without question, you’d become even more curious if your middle-aged partner were spending time in the basement with these kids. One thing I’ve learned from my clinical experience is that people have strong instincts, and those instincts – whether you choose to listen to them or not – tell you what’s going on. In the case of Sandusky’s wife, without ever having assessed her or her husband, she may have had suspicions. If a wife has suspicions but doesn't address them, there may be an understandable reason (at least on an emotional level).

Psychologically, there are few things as upsetting as imagining that your husband is the kind of man who would sexually abuse a child. Conventional wisdom says that pedophiles are monsters – and especially evil monsters, at that. Understandably, we view children as innocent and can’t wrap our heads around why anyone would harm them in such a sinister way. This is one of the reasons why Sandusky’s wife – and the wives of other pedophiles – don’t want to believe that the man they married is an actual child molester. However, leave no doubt that these women fear, deep down, that there is a major problem.

While the pedophile often feels little guilt, anxiety, or remorse about their own behavior, the wives feel significant anxiety but use denial and rationalization to sweep their suspicions under the rug. They don't focus on the feelings of the victim because all their energy goes into feeling sorry for themselves because they made a mistake in choosing the wrong man to marry. The wives of pedophiles rarely admit to others that they knew or suspected what was going on, but these are their thoughts and fears in their most dark and private moments.

Above all, why these women don't come forward or even admit the problem to themselves for more than a minute or two is that they don't want their husband to get in trouble with the law, because this would call attention to the women by their sides and make the women look guilty, too, for standing by all along as boy after boy gets abused.

The wives of pedophiles usually have their own set of problems to deal with as a result of their suspicions that their husbands are child molesters. Odds are that Sandusky’s wife and the wives of other pedophiles have sleep and eating issues, and sometimes isolate themselves from friendships that get too close for fear that they’d spill the beans and share their fears about what’s happening at home. I also believe that many of these women are on some sort of psychiatricmedication to help them deal with anxiety and depression.

Though I don’t wish psychological problems on anyone, the wives of pedophiles should be accountable for having suspicions but dismissing them to protect their husbands or the status quo – and anxiety is a lot easier to deal with than prison time. My hope for the future is that the wives of pedophiles who haven’t yet been caught get honest about any suspicions they may have and actually do something about it.

Note: After receiving extensive feedback from readers about this article, a fol,low-up article was written. You can read that article here.

I suspect that wives who put aside fear and speak up about what their husbands are doing will ultimately not be condemned, but rather treated like heroes for doing the right thing. I think they'll find support for themselves and protection for their children. Not sure if it's okay to post a link here so I'll say Google the "James Christmas Olathe Kansas" to find such a story.

My ex boyfriend is a pedophile and absolutely we know. I knew within the first six months something was seriously wrong. Without a doubt we rationalize, we pity them and we protect them because we are being persecuted for dating them. Although we are no longer together, thank goodness, I must say,wives and family members that know protect their men, by experience we endure so much pressure from the pedophile in particular and their families. It is pure manipulation and if you're strong you will walk out like I did. My partners mother knew the whole time because I told her and she wanted to me to keep it quiet. I had no real proof he was doing it again, but my goodness it was far from a normal even dysfunctional relationship. It is something I know I will never experience with anyone again. If there are words I can describe it...F**ED UP is what it was. The way they looked at young teenage girls, his eyes were locked, the way he spoke about sex/women.. the list goes on and any women that has been in one, knows the content of conversations were extremely abnormal particularly topics with sexual reference. WE DO KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING NOT RIGHT!

You say you knew something the first 6 months. That implies you were around for an additional 6 months. You and his mother were aware; you weren't sure whether he'd done it again.

My daughter was 5 when her father began molesting her. It went on until she was 10 and found the courage to tell me. These assaults happened after our divorce while she was with her father and his 2nd wife during court-ordered visits out-of-state. He molested my daughter and his wife's younger sister who was the same age as my daughter right under his wife's nose. At first, I thought it was because she was so clueless, but eventually I realized she knew, on some level, all along.

I don't feel sorry for you. You made your choice and you chose to allow others to suffer your mate's abuse. Do you know what happens to children when they are sexually assaulted? They learn fear. They learn not to trust others and not to trust themselves. They withdraw, feel they are not good enough. They develop eating disorders, they contemplate suicide, or worse, succeed at it. They often go on to struggle with healthy relationships. They never get over it!

I hope you can live with the knowledge that you helped to destroy the childhoods and possible adulthood of others.

I don't care what people say, we most certainly don't know! I am the ex wife of a pedophile and was married for 35 years. I found out when I came down the hall unexpectedly one morning and caught him with our twin grandsons, aged 2. I've read that statistically less than 20% of the wives know what these guys are doing. Sure we have instincts that tell us something isn't right. Then we watch them for awhile because we think they might be having an affair. Sorry guys but when your husband doesn't have as much interest in you, your first thought isn't pedophile. Any normal woman thinks affair. The only wife I can see jumping to a pedophile must have already known before she married him. In my case I kicked him out, turned him in and divorced him. He took all our money, the police let him go, my eldest daughter will never speak to me again and I have assholes like you telling everyone I must have known. We are not considered heroes for telling but treated like whistle blowers and shunned.

This is the typical experience what you describe but see writers like this think they know so much instead of doing research. THIS WRITER IS WHY WE ARE TREATED THIS WAY BECAUSE OF STUPID ASSUMPTIONS THIS AHOLE MADE

GOOD FOR YOUR GRANDMA

GOD BLESS YOU

Im sorry for her treating you that way but you did the right thing and THIS WRITER IS WHY THE POLICE LET THESE GUYS GO BECAUSE THEY ALL THINK THEY KNOW SO MUCH AND BELIEVE THESE PEDOS OVER THOSE WHO CAUGHT THEM

GOOD FOR YOU GRANDMA!!!

WE NEED MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND LESS LIKE THIS WRITER WHO THINKS HE KNOWS SOMETHING DOPE

I didn't know about abuse until I had a SWAT team at my door. I felt like I had been punched in the gut when they told me what he did. Now yes I did divorce him and he won't get 5 ft near my kid unless there is a double gauge in between us. But no body looks a the reality of each situation. Yes these women should leave husband but it is expensive to get divorces and not to many attorneys work pro bono on these cases, in fact these cases are cash cows because there is so much red tape. And guess what there are judges out there that don't care and will still order you to give ex visitation to your kids. And let's talk about therapy if you want you child to really get through this you will need to hire a therapist. Yes the government does supply therapist but they are a joke, where the money is the good therapy is. Do I regret standing by my kids side, no I will protect her in a heartbeat but not everyone can pick up and leave, some abusers are not just sexual abusers by physical abuser. So for all those passing harsh judgement you need to stop watching after school specials, if you really want to make the change help a woman you know that is in these predictaments. Otherwise shut up.

Trust me no one would want to walk a mile in our shoes and you are sooo right SWAT Team! You hit the core to it all and that's what happens you leave and have no money to get attorneys and they don't believe you when you do so you end up paying 5 x more than the pedo because everyone believes them. And ATTORNEY BOTTOMFEEDERS WHICH EVERY SINGLE ON IS will take advantage and KNOW they aren't going to fight just pretend to and then say you are too demanding and theres nothing you can do and in fact may even help the other side. So those that have to stay go get a camera get it put in and catch that b@$tard and put him in jail that's what we have to start doing ladies the patriarchal courts aren't going to stop these pedos because they run it. So we need female Private Investigators that are good to be paid to put in cameras. NOW THE POLICE COULD DO THIS BUT THEY DONT IT IS A WAY TO MAKE SURE THESE PEDOS WILL GET CAUGHT BUT TOO MANY BOTTOMFEEDERS MAKE MONEY OFF OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

God bless all the loving mothers facing custody and visitation with a pedophile or finds themselves in Satan's sandbox with one of his demons seeking the ruin of souls of the innocent. May the Lord guide you and every angel flock to your side. May the goodness of those who do care for children gain courage and help you get evidence to protect your child. May you remain strong and be a beacon of light for others. Amen and read Psalm 10 know He can't help if we don't ask it is a natural law of freewill we are given

My ex husband convinced me to move to Florida with him, convinced me that we needed only one car, so I should sell mine, destroyed my bike when I tried to get away from him, slammed me onto the hood of a pickup truck, told me my daughter was only telling me her dad, her grandpa, her uncle and her step-brother molested her because I kept asking her questions (duh.....but her counselor warned me about asking her questions), made me and CPS, the judge and any counselor he knew I was seeing believe I was crazy. And they all fed off one another. It can't be true because CPS doesn't believe it...it can't be true because the judge doesn't believe it....it can't be true because her counselor says she's delusional. After 30 years, I almost WAS fucking crazy. Last week my daughter FINALLY opened up to her therapist about her nightmares, then she had to go back to her dad's. Now she doesn't want to see her therapist anymore.

After 7 years of marriage, my ex's son admitted to molesting our oldest daughter. After 10 years of marriage, my ex's father admitted to molesting a different granddaughter to get less jail time. Boys rarely talk when it is a parent. My son never talked about it, even though I found blood in his diaper when he was 2 (the ex told me we'd had spaghetti the night before---hence the beginning of the gas lighting).

Here are some tips to spot a pedophile: they will make you believe they love you more than anyone in the world....they cannot get an erection under normal circumstances, meaning they may want you to shave your pubic area, they may attempt to rape you, they may attempt to sodomize you, the will want to have sex in the presence of your children, telling you "it's ok, they're sound asleep"...and when you say something about it, they will charm your friends and family and isolate you.

I met my ex when I was 16, I left him at 30. We had our first child, daughter when I was 17. He was 27. We had two more children by the time I was 25. We don't "always know." Teenagers don't know much about psychology. My daughter seemed depressed when she was little round age four or so, took her to counseling, play therapy. The lady counselor was doing an internship and left shortly after we started, nothing ever was concluded as to why she was depressed and my husband downplayed it, saying it was probably just because we moved and were having a tough time. He was 10 years older so I looked up to him for knowledge. Long story short, it wasn't until she was 11 when we had a friend come stay with us who was recovering from an illness that I found out, my husband (nauseates me to say husband) was taking "naps" with her when I was at work. I had her go live with my sister's family, took my other two children, and moved out while he was at work with help from a friend. She moved in with me and the boys a while later, but was distant. My daughter still would not admit anything happened, ever until age 16, she handed me a note and said this is why I've been using drugs since age 11. It said he had sexually abused her from 4-14. We called CPS, the police, and nothing came after the interviewing and I had no money for lawyer. I prayed and my ex became homeless three weeks later and has been ever since. (12 years ago). I still do not understand why I didn't know. I thought I would have heard something, or she would have told me, but No. She later said she waited until she knew I was strong enough to make it on my own, that she was protecting the family.
So many times when she was little, I told her if anyone ever tries to see you naked or touches you or makes you uncomfortable, you tell mommy. "I know, I know, I'm fine mom, no one has."was the type of response I got. She had regular doctor visits, they never found anything to alert me of either and I trusted they would if something was going on. So please, before you say they had to have known, bear in mind that I didn't. I'm not an idiot, and despite being smart, I was very naive, trusting, and uneducated in psychology and abuse so I fell for the lines he gave me. I thought he liked to stay up late watching TV. I hate that I didn't know and every day is a reminder of the terrible choice that I made at 16 that destroyed so many years and so much happiness in my children and myself. I am just finally able to convince her to get counseling from a psychologist. She has not been on drugs for a long time with exception of few relapses, but the battle has been continuous with depression, PTSD, anger toward family and siblings who weren't abused. So please, realize, you cannot stereotype women who were married to sick people. Not all of us knew.

The man who molested my child played my best friend and his wife not only knew who he was, but participated. Some cues to look for are if this man is taking your child places. This is called "The Bounce" making memories that separate the memories of the child and the parent. If your child is suddenly "a different" person to you and acting in oppositional ways. Don't go by the fact that he is married or has children of his own. He will slowly attempt to alienate the child from the parent by disputing things the parent says to the child as if in a "teacher" position. They come off in a "Non-violent" and "Passive" way but are rabidly aggressive, often convincing, looking into your eyes and professing their friendship to you. Know these signs! If I can save one family from the heartache that I went through and continue to go through, it will be worth the posting

I am a wife of someone charged with this. The victim was my daughter. I am a survivor of incest and sexual abuse. No I was not aware or had any knowledge of such Crap. I suspected nothing and I was always on high alert. So to whom ever said yes absolutely they know. I call bullshit. If I would've known do you think that for a moment I would've let him survive or walk away with his head or hands intact? I quite doubt it.

Kristen
You are so right. I married a child rapist who was also a minister. He raped my daughter right under my nose from the age of three. I didn't find out until after I divorced him. Later I found out also that he had raped one of our sons as well.
When I found out I went into shock. It destroyed the life I thought I had and turned everything into a lie. The guilt and shame of not knowing and therefore not protecting your children in their own home in their own beds where they should have felt safe and secure???
When I found out I got a gun loaded it and went looking for him, determined that where ever I found him I would walk up to him ask no questions and blow his brains out. Destroy him as he had destroyed our children's innocence and their lives.
I could not find him that day his mother later told me he had left town--a decision that preserved his life and most likely me life in prison for murder. I have lived with this every waking moment of every single hour of every day how and why could this have happened. Every night cry and try to think of ways to convince my children they were not to blame and had no fault in what happened to them. SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I KNEW! I should have YES but I didn't! You can't possibly know the hell we all suffer!!!!!

I find it hilarious that psychologists are the very ones that stand in your way when you try to protect your child. They find ways to feed the system that makes them money. Psychologists are the bottom feeders most get into it to heal their own craziness. The only thing that saved my daughter when the psychologists were insisting that he was safe was fooling him into a lie detector. I said I will take one if you do and he had no choice :-) otherwise it made it clear he was afraid. Then he ran out an got a police officer who lost his police standards for lewd and lascivious acts and "passed" but it was perfect because that made him clear he stipulated :-) so it could be used in court. I looked for an FBI sex certified polygrapher. The court made him take it by the same guy and of course he failed. So then his attorney a slimy malpractice attorney whined it was sooo unfair. So then the court ordered one of their court ordered polygraphers same a FBI certified Sex specific certified and once again he failed. So his attorney tried to muddy the water but the judge saw through it. Finally by the end of trial the judge same ones who called me a liar were like well why wasn't he prosecuted. Two words SOCIETY DENIAL. The psychologist must tell himself the wife knew to make himself/herself feel secure. The Guardian ad litem a young naive woman attorney who thought she knew everything like this writer was STILL in denial after he failed the lie detector and then when the forensic psychiatrist diagnosed him as a pedophile she said that's when she was suspicious as did the initial referring psychologist. They both said well I dont think he abused her in the way Mrs. so and so thinks. Their denial was so deep why because they would have been guilty they forced her on supervised visitation and when I had a private detective PROVE by video recording the woman hired and paid 20 something an hour was leaving him alone with my daughter for up to 15 minutes at a time. Okay well you all know what can happen in 15 minutes. How did it happen the pedo was good at fooling people he convinced the visitation supervisor service if they did a good job his attorney would give them more cases. Therefore I was lying. See how it works. Okay then the judge refused to look at the evidence she was being left alone but CPS did who were also calling me a liar but soon after seeing the tape the savvy detective the first and only in my case made sure the CPS dept sent a letter to the judge saying they had findings indicators and he shouldn't be left alone with her and the visitation supervisors shouldn't be allowd to supervise. Then I made sure the sexual assault unit knew that who informed attorneys so that company is no longer in existence. What did it do leave the pedo when I found out I left a huge house on the golf course into a filthy shelter. I couldn't work for an entire year I was in complete shock most of my trauma was they were not believing me and wanted me to hand my daughter over for weekends. Why would I leave if I knew he'd get her alone then? It was as if my brain was scrambled. My reality was completely shattered when I had to have hysterectomy my hysteria was knocked out of me and I got up got strategy and slammed his perverted brain into the dirt. So what women have to do is strategize especially if their pedo is educated and can appear to those who make assumptions (like this psychologist who wrote this article) what pedophiles look like. The bottom line is there are pages of police officers, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, case workers, military men that are pedophiles and they use their jobs or their social status to help them deceive those like this writer. These men are the most dangerous. These are the ones like Sandusky that know how to fool. I am not saying his wife now doesn't know. She is simply mentally ill if she doesn't know now but then she very well may not have. The bottom line is this has to stop and the best way to do it is when you suspect your husband set up an entire video system in your house. There are specialists that do that and get him on video its the only way to get these pedos. Technology if it is after the fact then make sure you get an attorney who will not get paid until he performs and make him get a psychosexual not by these psychologist who are now jumping on the next gravy train doing psychosexuals no by forensics psychiatrists who regularly work with the prison system. Then a good psychologist who is not a bottom feeder. Warning they still believe they can teach a child techniques to say no and the pedo who can't be stopped by police,courts, gal, judges can suddenly be stopped by a 5 year old BECAUSE HE'S UNDER SUSPICION. You will not find many psychologists who recognize the sheer arrogance of the pedophile. So in the case of after the fact better than lie detector had I known I would have opted for it. no lie mri they have a web site noliemri dot com. Technology is our tool to beat the pedophiles. Now we have to get the word out to mothers who suddenly find out and then help them get the resources if they don't have it to get video carefully placed by experts. After the fact is more expensive do it before that way your pedo is in jail or at the very least you don't have to fight a custody battle with no proof because they are still giving pedophiles custody and unsupervised visitation because bottom feeders are telling them theyve had therapy they are a low risk. NO PEDOPHILE IS A LOW RISK EXCEPT TO BOTTOM FEEDERS. If not they would be all trying to protect children but their focus is on well geez would he do it again and COMMON SENSE IS YES HE WILL GIVEN THE CHANCE ANYONE TELLING YOU OTHERWISE IS LYING FOR SOMEONES BENEFIT USUALLY THEIR OWN FOR SOME PAY OFF. The only way to stop incest from being court ordered is to be clever more clever than a pedo who has been preparing their whole lives when you find out in an instant and it shatters your reality and until you get yourself together you are vulnerable and the courts nor bottomfeeders or even attorneys none will protect you. So you need advice to help you strategize not by an attorney they are blind not by a psychologist they are blind not by anyone but someone who was in that position and won not a mother who lost. My advice forensic psychiatrist, FBI CERTIFIED SEX SPECIFIC CERTIFED POLOYGRAPHER OR no lie mri. A psychologist that is sharp. I found one who I thought was young and couldnt' be smart turns out she was very helpful in helping me be confident I could find the money to fight and I had to make tough choices like fire numerous attorneys who were paid total over 50k but once I had the confidence and realized I got a CRIMINAL DEATH PENALTY CERTIFIED ATTORNEY who after 6 years of family attorneys going in circles pulled around by the nose by his slimy malpractice attorney well they solved the entire case in 4 months now of course I had gathered incredible evidence which they knew how to use but the family attorneys didnt. So make sure you dont waste money like I did start off with the right attorney criminal death penalty certified and GOOD REPUTATION for not being intimidated in court tell them you want to watch them perform go to their next trial. Dont mess around wasting money cause you are afraid we women have to solve this the so called experts dont know how. Only a mother does better investigations than the FBI she just needs to be informed how to do it legally but not timidly. BOLDLY WITHOUT ANGER otherwise they gotcha and can trip you up they LOVE to call a woman hysterical. So those who just find out dont let anyone tell you that you have to hand your child over DONT DO IT. OUTSMART THEM YOU CAN DO IT. It will require all your energy but I don't know many women dealing with this that is able to focus on anything else. Its years passed mine and I am still traumatized but I won my daughter's safety she is now grown. Thank God and with that said there is no way to win without him by your side. I begged for miracles, went from church to church had prayers said over her. I told my daughter we are asking God to help daddy's brain heal. The healer will put his hands on both. I am Catholic I went to REIKI masters who are very powerful in energy work of moving it. And although much of what I did would conflict in the church I wasn't leaving any stone unturned I was winning my daughter's innocence and relieving my incredible guilt and assuring myself that I didn't know and when I DID I LEFT. Now to the bottom feeders thought process they believe we know all unconsciously and it is the only point I will agree with them. But it is NOT how it appears in this article. So the best way if a bottom feeder really wanted to help protect children is they would write and make sure gets in the public not just your general how to spot a pedophile but find women who have experienced pedophiles create a ton of surveys and ask for tons and tons of feed back find ways to word it since you are an expert supposedly to help get the information of the most educated pedophiles AND THEIR SUPPORT NETWORK AND MAKE NO MISTAKE THEY HAVE THEM. And make a real differnce help girls that are young know how not to get victimized most importantly teach single mothers how pedos operate because although to avoid prosecution they are breeding now and using eachother to teach when and how to use police, courts and judges and gals and psychologist to back them up because the truth is these pedos know how to run circles around police, courts, psychologists, GALs, and visitation supervisors. Trust me and they know how to shut down and shut up mothers using them with loss of custody, visitation and sheer intimidation. Psychologists need to access their brain without them knowing through the women without them knowing how or why they are doing what they are doing. So writer be smart help this matter instead of picking on the most vulnerable one in the entire system of incest. PROTECT THE CHILD THAT IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL AND A MOTHER IS THE TOOL NOT THE ENEMY. Most mothers love their children and dont want them abused despite what psychologists want to believe. The mother guilt and manipulations for most start older so not saying there aren't mothers who aren't good but MOST don't want their children sexually abused. I'd say 99%. 25,000 reports to the DOJ of fathers or step fathers come in thats only 10% who report so writer help a child there is one right now living a nightmare and you can help a mother protect him or her.

Amazing job writing your response to this uneducated article! Thank you thank you thank you! You put such great information that can help mothers and children going through this today and that's amazing. My situation, we didn't have any money for a lawyer. I was making minimum wage and raising three kids after divorcing the SOB I was married to. I wonder if there is anything now that can be done for our situation as it has now been a long time since the abuse. Reopening the can and will see what can be done. Thanks

Its hard to tell a story so painful but we can't keep hiding it because it is being part of it if we don't tell. The problem is people like this "Doctor" that use our pain and learn in the meantime causing damage to others AND GETTING PAID FOR IT! Yes I have a book coming out soon. It is only to make sure that this constant blaming of the mother is STOPPED. Not to say some don't but it should not be stated in the manner this was which make no mistake this jackass wrote it that way to jab the knife in to get responses like this to learn. See this jackass thinks we don't know what HE IS DOING BUT GUESS WHAT....THEY SUSPECT WE KNOW WITH NO INFORMATION YET My child's GAL like this writer acted like she knew something CALLED ME A LIAR FOR 6 YEARS AND EVEN AFTER my husband (vomiting) brought the court a passed lie detector by a police officer who lost his standards for lewd and lascivious acts, two FAILED FBI CERTIFIED, SEX SPECIFIC CERTIFIED AND A DIAGNOSIS OF A PEDOPHILE, AND A VIDEO TAPE OF HIM BEING LEFT ALONE WITH THE SUPERVISOR. During TRIAL THIS GENIUS GAL WHO EXPECTED ME TO KNOW STILL DOESN'T WTF???? OKAY YEAH WE ALL KNOW BUT YOU ALL DON'T EVEN WITH INDEPENDENT TESTING. I'm waiting on the editor to do the final edit and then onto the publisher. I will let you know. Good luck God Bless your efforts may his mercy be your guide. Don't let anyone tell you anything believe your gut and don't take no for an answer this is how that bowl mothers over. We need to stand up and speak up and stop helping these pigs take our children's innocence and then out of intimidation and guilt keep us quiet even these BOTTOM FEEDERS DO THAT. No one has the right to tell you to let it go if you can do something about it. Even if you just let his local police department know so that if something comes up with another child they will not automatically call that child a liar. But let YOUR INSTINCTS guide you NO ONE ELSES. The ONLY thing I will add is please keep in mind those living the nightmare as we discuss our internal wounds theirs are being violently eviscerated if there is anything you can do to bring about awareness consider it. For anyone's suffering we bear graces are given but don't do it for reward you won't get that. You sharing your experience of asking your child and not knowing is important it happens every day I only caught it because of a several coincidences that happened to come together that night and and hanging on to my sanity that last year knowing something was wrong but it remained hidden. ONE IMPORTANT THING I WILL TELL YOU TO DO AND ALL WOMEN KUNDALINI YOGA ONE DVD SPECIFICALLY CHAKRA YOGA BY GURETEJ KAUR That was the only reason I picked up on some of the clues you will gain insights youve never had before in many areas. Do it daily 4 or 5 am is best and get that DVD your intuition will work like no body's business no one can hold you back then. God Bless you and your efforts to help other mothers to benefit children. One more warning THE MOTHERS AND EVEN CHILDREN going through this are not always likeable or someone you even want to help but it is the work of the pedophile and part of the manipulation to isolate the victim and the mother so please don't let this stop you if you feel you can do anything to help someone. Tonight in each of our neighborhoods crossing every societal boundary whether social status, financial status, religious affiliation NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO INCEST. If you can answer a child's prayer for his/her nightmare to stop TODAY. If there is nothing you can do trust me when I TELL YOU PRAYER IS PROVEN pray the miracle prayer that worked for me He can't interfere in free will unless we ASK do the MOTHER MARY MEMORARE IT IS A MIRACLE PRAYER IT WORKS. I sent it with Lourdes water to a mother and within months the father was arrested, which is rare please don't discount this part of my message.

The PSYCH FIELD NOW like this guy are trying to cash in on psychosexuals DONT HAVE THEM DO IT ONLY A FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST. However you may still need your psych eval and his psych eval but it needs to be IN ADDITION TO AN EXPERIENCED FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST. BottomFeeders are looking for carcasses to feed on. Informed mother's win! However don' t let your anger allow them to calll you hysterical but don't allow them to steal your self expression it is a fine line KUNDALINI YOGA WILL KEEP YOU BALANCED FOR THE FIGHT

Religion didn't help us, especially the Catholic Church. I asked the church to help, and all I got was a priest who wanted to quit the church and marry me. I asked my daughter to pray with me after she had her breakthrough in therapy 10 days ago, and she refused, stating "God never helped me when I was little". So thanks but no thanks. Now I just pray to whatever power might be listening that she doesn't become a predator like her father (she wants her uterus removed and she wants to be referred to as a male now). I will admit that the priest said my annulment went through faster than any annulment he'd ever seen...he may have forced it through, or it may have been a sign...I'll never know.

The biggest problem I have with your story is the use of polygraphs. They are not at all accurate! They detect anxiety, not lying, and there are many reasons why someone might be more anxious when asked certain questions. And not every liar feels anxious about lying, either - psychopaths usually don't.

How dare anyone say "the wife knows", how dare you, all of you that are ignorant enough to make that statement without going through it yourself!! I was married for 15 years to the man that sexually abused our very own daughter and never once saw a single sign! I had her in counseling during at different times for years thinking I had something to do with her rebellious "acting out" and not one of those therapist even hinted at sexual abuse! When my daughter finally told me, her behavior finally made sense to me. My ex is now in prison, has been for 11 years now and has another 39 years to go. Women like myself feel enough guilt as it is knowing that they were not successful in protecting their precious, innocent children from such a horrific crime without self righteous, ignorant people blaming them and accusing them of knowing all along! Put the blame where it belongs people, these predators very existence depends totally on how well they fool everyone around them! For all you women that have walked in my shoes, God Bless you, don't let anyone cause you to doubt yourself, we've done well enough of that on our own, believe in yourself and help your child/children heal and put the pieces of their lives back together! Life is great for me and all four of my children now, Thank God!

Ty Debbie so much for your post, for many years I had decided it was my fault for not protecting my daughter , or seeing the signs . You though have made my day !! I will hold my head up from now on because no one knows how manipulative and decorative molesters can be . I have lived with the after affects , I am doing the time for his crime , he was never punished because she would not say a word against him but GOD will take care of him and I tell everyone I can because knowledge is power . Some people don't believe me though and let Thier kids hang with him and he does a great job of fooling everyone , again Ty so much for letting me know I am not alone . God bless you

I find it hilarious that psychologists are the very ones that stand in your way when you try to protect your child. They find ways to feed the system that makes them money. Psychologists are the bottom feeders most get into it to heal their own craziness. The only thing that saved my daughter when the psychologists were insisting that he was safe was fooling him into a lie detector. I said I will take one if you do and he had no choice :-) otherwise it made it clear he was afraid. Then he ran out an got a police officer who lost his police standards for lewd and lascivious acts and "passed" but it was perfect because that made him clear he stipulated :-) so it could be used in court. I looked for an FBI sex certified polygrapher. The court made him take it by the same guy and of course he failed. So then his attorney a slimy malpractice attorney whined it was sooo unfair. So then the court ordered one of their court ordered polygraphers same a FBI certified Sex specific certified and once again he failed. So his attorney tried to muddy the water but the judge saw through it. Finally by the end of trial the judge same ones who called me a liar were like well why wasn't he prosecuted. Two words SOCIETY DENIAL. The psychologist must tell himself the wife knew to make himself/herself feel secure. The Guardian ad litem a young naive woman attorney who thought she knew everything like this writer was STILL in denial after he failed the lie detector and then when the forensic psychiatrist diagnosed him as a pedophile she said that's when she was suspicious as did the initial referring psychologist. They both said well I dont think he abused her in the way Mrs. so and so thinks. Their denial was so deep why because they would have been guilty they forced her on supervised visitation and when I had a private detective PROVE by video recording the woman hired and paid 20 something an hour was leaving him alone with my daughter for up to 15 minutes at a time. Okay well you all know what can happen in 15 minutes. How did it happen the pedo was good at fooling people he convinced the visitation supervisor service if they did a good job his attorney would give them more cases. Therefore I was lying. See how it works. Okay then the judge refused to look at the evidence she was being left alone but CPS did who were also calling me a liar but soon after seeing the tape the savvy detective the first and only in my case made sure the CPS dept sent a letter to the judge saying they had findings indicators and he shouldn't be left alone with her and the visitation supervisors shouldn't be allowd to supervise. Then I made sure the sexual assault unit knew that who informed attorneys so that company is no longer in existence. What did it do leave the pedo when I found out I left a huge house on the golf course into a filthy shelter. I couldn't work for an entire year I was in complete shock most of my trauma was they were not believing me and wanted me to hand my daughter over for weekends. Why would I leave if I knew he'd get her alone then? It was as if my brain was scrambled. My reality was completely shattered when I had to have hysterectomy my hysteria was knocked out of me and I got up got strategy and slammed his perverted brain into the dirt. So what women have to do is strategize especially if their pedo is educated and can appear to those who make assumptions (like this psychologist who wrote this article) what pedophiles look like. The bottom line is there are pages of police officers, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, case workers, military men that are pedophiles and they use their jobs or their social status to help them deceive those like this writer. These men are the most dangerous. These are the ones like Sandusky that know how to fool. I am not saying his wife now doesn't know. She is simply mentally ill if she doesn't know now but then she very well may not have. The bottom line is this has to stop and the best way to do it is when you suspect your husband set up an entire video system in your house. There are specialists that do that and get him on video its the only way to get these pedos. Technology if it is after the fact then make sure you get an attorney who will not get paid until he performs and make him get a psychosexual not by these psychologist who are now jumping on the next gravy train doing psychosexuals no by forensics psychiatrists who regularly work with the prison system. Then a good psychologist who is not a bottom feeder. Warning they still believe they can teach a child techniques to say no and the pedo who can't be stopped by police,courts, gal, judges can suddenly be stopped by a 5 year old BECAUSE HE'S UNDER SUSPICION. You will not find many psychologists who recognize the sheer arrogance of the pedophile. So in the case of after the fact better than lie detector had I known I would have opted for it. no lie mri they have a web site noliemri dot com. Technology is our tool to beat the pedophiles. Now we have to get the word out to mothers who suddenly find out and then help them get the resources if they don't have it to get video carefully placed by experts. After the fact is more expensive do it before that way your pedo is in jail or at the very least you don't have to fight a custody battle with no proof because they are still giving pedophiles custody and unsupervised visitation because bottom feeders are telling them theyve had therapy they are a low risk. NO PEDOPHILE IS A LOW RISK EXCEPT TO BOTTOM FEEDERS. If not they would be all trying to protect children but their focus is on well geez would he do it again and COMMON SENSE IS YES HE WILL GIVEN THE CHANCE ANYONE TELLING YOU OTHERWISE IS LYING FOR SOMEONES BENEFIT USUALLY THEIR OWN FOR SOME PAY OFF. The only way to stop incest from being court ordered is to be clever more clever than a pedo who has been preparing their whole lives when you find out in an instant and it shatters your reality and until you get yourself together you are vulnerable and the courts nor bottomfeeders or even attorneys none will protect you. So you need advice to help you strategize not by an attorney they are blind not by a psychologist they are blind not by anyone but someone who was in that position and won not a mother who lost. My advice forensic psychiatrist, FBI CERTIFIED SEX SPECIFIC CERTIFED POLOYGRAPHER OR no lie mri. A psychologist that is sharp. I found one who I thought was young and couldnt' be smart turns out she was very helpful in helping me be confident I could find the money to fight and I had to make tough choices like fire numerous attorneys who were paid total over 50k but once I had the confidence and realized I got a CRIMINAL DEATH PENALTY CERTIFIED ATTORNEY who after 6 years of family attorneys going in circles pulled around by the nose by his slimy malpractice attorney well they solved the entire case in 4 months now of course I had gathered incredible evidence which they knew how to use but the family attorneys didnt. So make sure you dont waste money like I did start off with the right attorney criminal death penalty certified and GOOD REPUTATION for not being intimidated in court tell them you want to watch them perform go to their next trial. Dont mess around wasting money cause you are afraid we women have to solve this the so called experts dont know how. Only a mother does better investigations than the FBI she just needs to be informed how to do it legally but not timidly. BOLDLY WITHOUT ANGER otherwise they gotcha and can trip you up they LOVE to call a woman hysterical. So those who just find out dont let anyone tell you that you have to hand your child over DONT DO IT. OUTSMART THEM YOU CAN DO IT. It will require all your energy but I don't know many women dealing with this that is able to focus on anything else. Its years passed mine and I am still traumatized but I won my daughter's safety she is now grown. Thank God and with that said there is no way to win without him by your side. I begged for miracles, went from church to church had prayers said over her. I told my daughter we are asking God to help daddy's brain heal. The healer will put his hands on both. I am Catholic I went to REIKI masters who are very powerful in energy work of moving it. And although much of what I did would conflict in the church I wasn't leaving any stone unturned I was winning my daughter's innocence and relieving my incredible guilt and assuring myself that I didn't know and when I DID I LEFT. Now to the bottom feeders thought process they believe we know all unconsciously and it is the only point I will agree with them. But it is NOT how it appears in this article. So the best way if a bottom feeder really wanted to help protect children is they would write and make sure gets in the public not just your general how to spot a pedophile but find women who have experienced pedophiles create a ton of surveys and ask for tons and tons of feed back find ways to word it since you are an expert supposedly to help get the information of the most educated pedophiles AND THEIR SUPPORT NETWORK AND MAKE NO MISTAKE THEY HAVE THEM. And make a real differnce help girls that are young know how not to get victimized most importantly teach single mothers how pedos operate because although to avoid prosecution they are breeding now and using eachother to teach when and how to use police, courts and judges and gals and psychologist to back them up because the truth is these pedos know how to run circles around police, courts, psychologists, GALs, and visitation supervisors. Trust me and they know how to shut down and shut up mothers using them with loss of custody, visitation and sheer intimidation. Psychologists need to access their brain without them knowing through the women without them knowing how or why they are doing what they are doing. So writer be smart help this matter instead of picking on the most vulnerable one in the entire system of incest. PROTECT THE CHILD THAT IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL AND A MOTHER IS THE TOOL NOT THE ENEMY. Most mothers love their children and dont want them abused despite what psychologists want to believe. The mother guilt and manipulations for most start older so not saying there aren't mothers who aren't good but MOST don't want their children sexually abused. I'd say 99%. 25,000 reports to the DOJ of fathers or step fathers come in thats only 10% who report so writer help a child there is one right now living a nightmare and you can help a mother protect him or her

Your absolutely right on every point. I am in groups of thousands of mothers who lost custody to pedophiles when trying to protect our children. I have referred many to your comment, and we are all inspired. Despite the failure of this article, the comments have helped me immensely. Thank you.

Back in the 50s and 60s if a woman was raped and the victim was brave enough to come forward. When the case came to trial she was often accused of causing the attack. It was said that if she was dressed in a provocative manner, she was asking for it. Phycologists testified in these cases that she must have known on some level that it would happen and even wanted it to happen. Now we understand that it's an act of violence and even a grandma in a flannel nighty behind a locked door can be a victim . Women became, and still are afraid to report because of this attitude. Life is much easier for the rapist. Now when a woman reports her husband as a pedophile she is told she must have known on some level. Purposely ignored it and even possibly didn't care or even wanted it to happen. Life is much easier for the pedophile. What I don't understand is why phycologists seem to want women to be held responsible for the crimes of men. Why do you continue to victimize woman whenever a man commits a crime. Men commit crimes of power against women and children and psychology says it can't be there fault. I know you're taught that in class ,but surely you must have enough insite to see beyond your this. With the number of women that have responded to your blog letting you know they did not know. Do you still believe in your blanket statement that we all knew. I know that I hate myself for honestly saying, I did not know. I will never forgive that I did not see it and protect my children. That is the truth I must live with. From reading this blog I see many others living with the same thing. It's now years later... do you still insist we all know?

Goofballs like this doctor go on with an air of superiority and authority and blame a woman for a mans crime. He has no insight that's obvious and someone like him THEY ARE WHY KIDS ARE COURT ORDERED TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED. These doctors are the problem they want to have patients. Listen they are basing everything on two psychologists who if operating today would have the license taken. Freud & Jung both sleep with woman patients. We shouldn't be surprised men have no insight they've been doing it for thousands of years The muslims stone women to death for adultery when she's been raped..THIS doctor is no different...oh he thinks he is but he's NOT. The guilt is tortuous then you have an idiot like this writing complete garbage he pulled out of his @$$. Men like this don't want to protect women or even children believe it or not. HIS GOAL IS TO MAKE MONEY OFF OF ARTICLES AND PATIENTS THE BEST WAY PSYCHOLOGISTS DO THAT IS TO BLAME THE MOTHER THEY'VE BEEN DOING IT FOREVER HE WON'T RESPOND HE HAS NO INTEGRITY NONE OF THEM DO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM COURTWHORES THEY DON'T CARE IF A CHILD IS ABUSED SO LONG AS THE MONEY MAKES IT TO THEIR BANK ACCOUNT AND THEY PUT THEIR OWN KIDS IN PRIVATE SCHOOL NOT TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE KIDS THEY VICTIMIZE AS THEY CALL THEMSELVES SAVIORS AND SYMPATHIZE WITH THE VICTIMS YET THEY ARE THE PERPETRATORS BEST WEAPON PEDOPHILES SEXUALLY ABUSE CHILDREN PSYCHOLOGISTS HAVE SECONDARY GAIN OF ENJOYMENT THEY GET PAID FOR IT. IN THE HOOD THEY CALL IT PIMPING BUT HERE ITS CALLED THERAPY. WE FEEL GUILTY AND PAY THE PRICE BUT THEY SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR PIMPING OUT CHILDREN BUT THEY DON'T SO WE NEED TO FORGIVE OURSELVES AND KNOW WE LEFT WHEN WE FOUND OUT ME I PAID ALMOST 100K IN CASH TO MEN ATTORNEYS BUT IN THE END IT WAS A CRIMINAL DEATH CASE CERITIFED WOMAN ATTORNEY WHO SAVED MY DAUGHTER BUT I PAID FOR IT AND GOT HER THE EVIDENCE I WENT CRAZY FROM GUILT AND I DIDN'T STOP TIL I WON WORKED 7 DAYS A WEEK AND THIS IDIOT HAS THE NERVE TO BLAME ME WHEN HE WRITES THIS HE BLAMES ME BUT ITS MEN LIKE HIM WHO KEEP PERPETUATING IT AND BLAMING AND YET NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY THEMSELVES AND GIVE OTHER CRIMINALS HELP IN AVOIDING PROSECUTION AND AID THEM IN GETTING ACCESS TO THEIR VICTIMS. THEY ALL WANT TO DO PSYCHOSEXUALS NOW BUT IT IS THE FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST THAT KNEW THE TRUTH THEY ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP THESE KIND ARE NOT CAPABLE OF INSIGHT SO THEY MAKE THE 90% BOTTOM. IT IS ONLY THE 10% THAT ARE GOOD USUALLY THEY GET INTO THIS WORK FOR THEIR OWN PROBLEMS THEY HAVE NO INSIGHT INTO AND THINK THEY WILL BECOME AN AUTHORITY AND TELL THEMSELVES. NOW THEY WANT TO TAKE OVER THE BEST DOCTORS JOBS SO THEY MAKE THE MONEY INSTEAD JUST LIKE THE COURT SYSTEM MEANWHILE THE CONTINUE TO HAVE SECONDARY GAIN ENJOYING MOTHERS THAT'S ACCEPTABLE BUT REALLY THE SICK PART ISN'T AND THAT'S THE VICTIM CHILD'S PAIN THEY ENJOY IT SECRETLY OTHERWISE THEY WOULD DO WHAT AN HONORABLE MAN DOES BUT THEY'RE TO MESSED UP FOR THAT THAT'S WHY THEY BECAME PSYCHOLOGISTS. HAVE A NICE DAY :-)
I DID MY JOB AND PAID THE PRICE YOU SHOULD HAVE TO TOO BUDDY.

I PAID ALMOST 100K IN CASH TO MEN ATTORNEYS BUT IN THE END IT WAS A CRIMINAL DEATH CASE CERITIFED WOMAN ATTORNEY WHO SAVED MY DAUGHTER BUT I PAID FOR IT AND GOT HER THE EVIDENCE I WENT CRAZY FROM GUILT .

I meant to say I paid almost 100k in cash total for everything, psychologists, family eval, court costs, 5 attorneys, transcripts, court witness costs, Guardian ad litem, 3 different private detectives, 3 different lie detector polygraphers (I PASSED HE FAILED 2 passed one by polygrapher who was thrown off police force for lewd and lascivious acts) and more I can't think of now

Sandusky's wife could have been a hero. She could have come forward about her husband's behavior long ago. Many years in the past, had she moved to stop his heinous acts she would have been hailed as a heroine for pushing aside the legacy of Penn State and doing what needed to be done.

Instead she has condemned herself to life as a pariah.

No one will ever again knowingly associate with Mrs. Sandusky. No one will willingly spend time with her, become her friend or trust her in any way. And rightfully so for she does not deserve the trust one affords a friend.

Its a pity for what might have been. A pity and a powerful lesson. I hope Mrs. Sandusky - and others the world over - have learned from this in some small way.

What a great point you make that Sandusky's wife could have been a hero. Of course, it would be incredibly painful and difficult, but coming forward would have been the right thing to do, and she could at least tell herself later that she did her part to try to protect future children from abuse.

OF COURSE she knew. I can only hope that her husband's legal fees are so great as to leave her penniless and suffering for the remainder of her years. I also think the victims, Sandusky's charity, and the university should file civil suits against the Sanduskys (he AND she.) Funds won from the civil suits could assist these specific victims, but also other victims of abuse.

Also, Paterno did himself a convenient favor by dying shortly after his firing from the university; charges against him were certainly warranted, in my opinion. I'm not versed in the law enough to know, but a civil suit for victim's restitution against Paterno's estate could be explored.

Where I normally dislike litigiousness, I think child/sexual abuse cases are different.

In such situations, I think a spouse's denial is not about oh-my-gosh-what-kind-of-person-did-I-marry-I-can't-believe-I'm-so-stupid. I think it's about self-interest - just not wanting to leave a marriage to start over, especially from a financial perspective. Pure self-interest with a big dose of weak.

I totally agree with "She Knew!". Mrs. Sandusky doesn't want her name and "reputation" tanished. It always comes down to the root of all evil: money. Mrs. Sandusky is too emotionally weak to take what is financially hers from the marriage and run. I pity and despise her at the same time. I cannot believe that she has so far escaped perjury charges. She blatantly lied on the stand!

I think this article is pretty illogical: "The wives of pedophiles knew what their husbands were doing because we all know our spouses really well." Huh?

I worked in a support program for newly divorced people for two years, and I can attest that not only do many people not know their spouses very well, many people don't even know themselves very well.

Perhaps those who know their spouses well assume that every other married person does so, too. But a lot of married people thought they knew their spouses well, until they found out they didn't know them well at all. And that may happen to you!

There was a time when I might have agreed with you. It comes down to what one means by trust. For example, although I knew it was possible that my husband might cheat on me, I chose (when I married him) to trust that he would not do so. I came to understand that for many other women, "trusting" their husbands meant they didn't even admit of the possibility that their husbands would cheat on them. These women were completely shattered when they found out their husbands were having affairs. Not only did it destroy their trust in their husbands, it destroyed their trust in everything else they believed in, and in their own ability to make good decisions. I believe something similar may be true of the spouses of pedophiles.

The wife of the pedophile, like the boys who were molested, is likely a victim of her husband's manipulation. As those who followed the Sandusky case have seen, Jerry Sandusky targeted the boys he thought to be most vulnerable for grooming. I suspect that he picked his spouse in a similar way.

Then, early in courtship or marriage, he probably spent time breaking down his wife's confidence in her own judgment, using any of a number of techniques such manipulators use:
Crazy-making (trying to make you wonder whether you are mentally ill);
Trivializing (ex: "I'd love to hear about your promotion, but can we eat first?");
Redefining reality (ex: "No, you're not angry, you're jealous.");
Scapegoating (shifting the blame or responsibility);
Discounting ("You're making a big deal out of nothing");
Twisting the facts (rewriting history to make them right and you wrong);
Diverting or changing the subject;
Restricting familial and social contact;
Belittling the victim's family or education or financial contribution.
These tactics are alternated with loving statements or behaviors to create an extremely confusing situation.

If a woman is in an abusive relationship, but others constantly tell her how wonderful her husband is and how lucky she is to be married to him, she begins to doubt her own perceptions of reality or blame herself for marital and family problems.

If a man puts down his spouse in private, while praising her in public, it creates a "crazy-making" situation where not only does she not know what to believe, but friends or relatives may not believe her when she recounts his private behavior. She may do a great deal of pondering, trying to come up with logical explanations for words and deeds so much at odds with one another.

If she has dedicated herself to making the marriage work, perhaps for religious reasons or for the sake of her children, she may tell herself to "look on the bright side" and set aside unpleasant incidents as simple faux pas or lapses in etiquette, to be forgiven and forgotten.

The woman's reaction to verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation will depend on her personality, upbringing, and personal values, as well as her perceived ability to support herself and her children outside of the marriage.

I don't know whether Dottie Sandusky knew about the abuse going on. I do believe that many women married to pedophiles have been completely taken by surprise when they found out what their spouses had been doing. The alternative would be that we would look at every man as a potential pedophile. Ick!

I read the above response and realized you are talking about my life. The one I recently found out about. My problem, by the time my x had our home served with a search warrant he had become good enough at hiding and skirting the line. The more research I did the more I realized he always had a double life. He always traveled, he called in, he wouldn't take responsibility for anything. He never touched anyone around us, he "GROOMED" somewhere else. Not really sure how big a monster he is. I do see that his family may be a familial group of pedo's. They act and do things that trigger a really sick feeling. Using money and propreity to hide behind.

Looking back at a 20 year relationship all of the above triggers are correct. He found me at my most vulnerable and attempted to keep me there. I tried to leave so many times before and after children and couldn't break free. Looking back, I don't know what was real.

He took everything in the divorce, because he was never charged or arrested it made it easy for him to keep up the pattern of abusive behavior using the court system as a tool. (His father is an attorney). (Imagine through this all he told everyone it was my fault)

My children are safe as they can make the choice. That was a no brainer.

Now in recovery I have no voice to say anything. Because, he wasn't charged! No matter what I think I know, I have no proof. If she couldn't verify it or witness it or if no one told her, she has no legal grounds to stand on. Money and social standing will always win over the wife. (I was the wife)

I would love for someone to put some laws out to protect the wives. But, most states tolerate pedophiles and the abuse of young girls. (I saw first hand that divorced Judges think of young girls as the perpetrators, not the grown Men)

The writer of this article must not understand abuse - I suggest you join a local support group and you will understand! You may have nightmares. But, your article will change.

I totally agree with you 100% because I walked in your shoes too especially the family. They never leave us alone because we are a part of their cover up. I am still recovering from the trauma my ex put me in. We have not been together for almost two years and I am psychologically damaged from the relationship. I wish you all the best..xo

I found out after being married for 32 years that my husband was a pedophile. He was eventually caught and sent to prison but it was a complete shock to me. Even so, I still struggle with shame from what he did because many from my community believe there's no way I didn't know.

I'm here to tell you that my ex, and from what I understand most other such men, was masterful at covering his tracks. Only after he went to jail did I look back and see things that should have been red flags. I read about the Sandusky trial and thought the same thing about his wife -- she had to know! Now, in a similar situation, I am not so quick to jump to conclusions. It just goes to show that you can't make such judgments against people without knowing all the circumstances.

I think this article is pretty illogical: "The wives of pedophiles knew what their husbands were doing because we all know our spouses really well." Huh?

I worked in a support program for newly divorced people for two years, and I can attest that not only do many people not know their spouses very well, many people don't even know themselves very well.

Perhaps those who know their spouses well assume that every other married person does so, too. But a lot of married people thought they knew their spouses well, until they found out they didn't know them well at all. And that may happen to you!

There was a time when I might have agreed with you. It comes down to what one means by trust. For example, although I knew it was possible that my husband might cheat on me, I chose (when I married him) to trust that he would not do so. I came to understand that for many other women, "trusting" their husbands meant they didn't even admit of the possibility that their husbands would cheat on them. These women were completely shattered when they found out their husbands were having affairs. Not only did it destroy their trust in their husbands, it destroyed their trust in everything else they believed in, and in their own ability to make good decisions. I believe something similar may be true of the spouses of pedophiles.

The wife of the pedophile, like the boys who were molested, is likely a victim of her husband's manipulation. As those who followed the Sandusky case have seen, Jerry Sandusky targeted the boys he thought to be most vulnerable for grooming. I suspect that he picked his spouse in a similar way.

Then, early in courtship or marriage, he probably spent time breaking down his wife's confidence in her own judgment, using any of a number of techniques such manipulators use:
Crazy-making (trying to make you wonder whether you are mentally ill);
Trivializing (ex: "I'd love to hear about your promotion, but can we eat first?");
Redefining reality (ex: "No, you're not angry, you're jealous.");
Scapegoating (shifting the blame or responsibility);
Discounting ("You're making a big deal out of nothing");
Twisting the facts (rewriting history to make them right and you wrong);
Diverting or changing the subject;
Restricting familial and social contact;
Belittling the victim's family or education or financial contribution.
These tactics are alternated with loving statements or behaviors to create an extremely confusing situation.

If a woman is in an abusive relationship, but others constantly tell her how wonderful her husband is and how lucky she is to be married to him, she begins to doubt her own perceptions of reality or blame herself for marital and family problems.

If a man puts down his spouse in private, while praising her in public, it creates a "crazy-making" situation where not only does she not know what to believe, but friends or relatives may not believe her when she recounts his private behavior. She may do a great deal of pondering, trying to come up with logical explanations for words and deeds so much at odds with one another.

If she has dedicated herself to making the marriage work, perhaps for religious reasons or for the sake of her children, she may tell herself to "look on the bright side" and set aside unpleasant incidents as simple faux pas or lapses in etiquette, to be forgiven and forgotten.

The woman's reaction to verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation will depend on her personality, upbringing, and personal values, as well as her perceived ability to support herself and her children outside of the marriage.

I don't know whether Dottie Sandusky knew about the abuse going on. I do believe that many women married to pedophiles have been completely taken by surprise when they found out what their spouses had been doing. The alternative would be that we would look at every man as a potential pedophile. Ick!

I don't believe that his wife must have known .
Sure , it's possible , maybe even more than likely but it's unfair to burden her with any level of culpability based on little more than an assumption . It's a leap in logic .

Who do you really think he did his absolute best to hide his perversions from ? He would have known perfectly well that the most likely person to figure it out first would be his wife so of course he would have put a fair bit of planning into keeping her , above all other people , in the dark .

I'm not saying she didn't know or even suspect . I'm simply pointing out that it's ridiculous to just jump to that conclusion . That's the old "Where there's smoke , there's fire." nonsense that convicts people in the court of public opinion long before any facts are disclosed .

How could she not wonder why the boys who stayed over were mostly put down in the basement and her husband would go down and spend one-on-one time with each? It seems odd now for us to hear it as outsiders. But could she have told herself that he was being kind and giving these boys the attention they did not recieve from a male figure at home?

I don't know about Dottie Sandusky. Having never met her, I am reluctant to declare based on reading newspaper accounts that she MUST have known, or even that the wives of pedophiles ALWAYS know. Certainly, we hear of cases where they did and where they even abetted their spouse-pedophile -- Jacie Dugard's captor was helped by his wife in kidnapping the child.

Going forward, we can only hope that if there are women like Dottie Sandusky and they REALLY do not know, then this case will make them more suspicious.

The AUTHOR should be held accountable for spewing such crap. How on earth can a "professional" mental health worker make these statements in a public forum without having any facts to back them up? Shame on the author and shame on the other commenters willing to crucify these women without having any data about them. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and have been through years of therapy to work through it. I know first hand the lengths my abuser went to to prevent his wife and any other adult from finding out what was happening, sometimes under their very noses. So please, all you people with torches and pitchforks aimed at the wives instead of the abusers, get a grip.

Not only is it crap, it is unethical to make such blanket statements. Do you know how many people will believe what you say just because you have a Psy.D.? Anonymous is right. Pedophilic acts are done in secrecy. Marriages are based on trust. I know how these things are. My husband molested our granddaughter and I DID NOT KNOW. I DID NOT SUSPECT A THING. WHY SHOULD I?

I thought when he put her to bed at night, he was being a good grandfather and telling her stories. He was telling her stories, but his hands were busy, too. There was NO WAY for me to have known.

Shame on you DR. Meyers! Fork over your license. I'll burn it with my torch. Shame on you for manipulating people with mythology instead of educating them on how to cope with a difficult and painful situation by utilizing facts based on evidence. Don't know how to read research? Tsk, tsk, tsk!

I didn't know he was a pedophile but his family did. He molested his children and grandchildren and then my grandchildren. He treated me very well. I knew he had some emotional problems such as delusions of persacution. He saw a psychiatrist at the VA. After I found out the truth about him I called the police. This has been reported to police child protective and put in the had of DA He has admitted it to all of us. Still nothing has been done since February of this year. If I had hushed this up like his family did I would not have been served with divorce papers and he would not be after my money. As it is now I feel like I am the victim along with my granddaughter and my son. Now I know why they said nothing about this. They were protecting themselves. But I spoke out and now I lose out. I wish I were a widow and the sooner the better. If he dies befor the divorce I will be better off. He is 85 and on hospice care. The DA does nothing because they don't want to have to care for him. Please let him go to meet his maker and soon.

My girls were scheduled to go befor the grand jury twice but both times the DA put it off. The next time was to be in a few days and he died. Thank God the girls did not have to testify but then was there no justice. I went to the memorial service but they called the police to have me removed. I went because the disrespected me by not putting my name in the paper and they threatened me with legal action because I delayed the divorce. I wanted to show them I was holding my head up high. I was a perfect lady in every way. When his son first arrived from California he said his father should be in jail. After his father died he was yelling "You killed my father" . I think his son is really mad because I delayed the divorce and his son will get little or nothing form his fathers will. If I had divorced him I would have lost 12 thousand dollars a year. For someone on social security 12 thousand a year is a lot of money. So please don't tell me you would have divorced him. The lies they told about our finances were unbelievable. The wanted 169 thousand dollars from me in a divorce settlement. Anyone with a brain would have delayed the divorce. I paid with my tears anxiety and depression for every penny I get and my girls paid with their bodies and souls. RIP Reverend Jim.

I agree. I was shocked such a piece was published by Psychology Today. Articles like this are incredibly damaging. In fact, people often dismiss the trauma a person endures when faced with the betrayal of one they trusted so much and gave all of themselves to because of ideas such as this. The victm's family was rightfully warned that the media had gotten ahold of the story, but was I? No. What if my daughters had seen it? I was molested as a child and I can say both traumas were equal to each other. To victimize someone further by making such horrid assumptions is simply cruel and irresponsible. Psychology Today should consider removing this piece.

My stepdaughter was molested by her father. She also knew of others in the family who were molested. Then why in gods name did she send her 3 small children to be with us every weekend for 5 years. My then husband took her son, his grandson into my basement and molested him for 7 years. He then molested my granddaughters. Other of his family members knew what he was. They didn't tell me. When I found out the truth I called the police. Now he has admitted the truth to me and the authorities but nothing has been done. He has filed for divorce and he wants money from me. The part that really kills me is he can get the money from me. It doesn't matter what he did he can get my money and the DA has done nothing. Oh they believe us. But his son called them and told the DA he was not going to get an Attorney as he was too sick. So what did the DA say. OK dear that is OK we will leave you alone. They didn't ask for proof of his condition. And this Mr. Myers says the wife knows. Bulls***

This is article is erroneously broad in its accusation that wives always know. They do not. I know, because I am one. The victims were children in my own family and not one of them told any of the available many trusted adults. My husband is a master manipulator and sneak and on his way to prison. After 42 years of marriage I learned the truth about him. Don't tell me the wives ALWAYS know. I did not.

This is an excellent article. But when the wife of a pedophile highlights the fact that she is aware her kids are being harmed, the question of whether she is telling the truth due to lack of evidence arises. The spouse drops allegations that she has a mental illness or an ulterior motive and due to 'lack of evidence' in legal terms she is now in danger and risk of harm for her children. Even when the children's psychologist states that there is high trauma avoidance and the psychiatrist states that there are negative moods despite that there is no assurance that the abusive parent will get only supervised contact.

Can someone please advise how such a situation can be handled? How does a mother protect her children and other kids when she knows there are pedophiles on the loose but she 'lacks evidence'