In the heat of summer you get lightheaded, you get sweaty, and you get sapped of all your energy. Under certain circumstances, primarily in the sexual arena, these are the exact sensations you want to have. But when all you’re doing in this hot weather is sitting around bored as fuck and you catch yourself in the shame of watching Tyra Banks tell you about eating disorders, those same feelings quickly turn to frustration. And when I realize I’m sitting on my swamp ass considering submitting myself to a live taping of the Tyra Show in exchange for an hour in an air conditioned studio, I strip off all my clothes, jump in the shower, beat off in a mind-altering frenzy, and then crash face first into bed. And maybe beat off a couple more times. On Tyra’s Oprah-channeling fat ass.

Waking up an hour later, I peer through the sleep haze and cough up a hairball. The damn cats have shed all over the place. The animals have it right. During those hot summer months, they have the ability to shed off their burdensome layers and leave it all behind on someone else’s shit. See, recent personal events have proved to be much like this nagging heat (Oh, the drama of human existence.) and all I want is for people to have the wherewithal to shed their own suffocating burdens to escape unnecessary frustrations. To most of us, “shed” is a place to keep an ever-growing pile of shit we don’t want to deal with, such as issues, belt sanders, and children.

So, let’s take a look at some shedding or “shed-ing” around the amazing planet we call Earth before it all goes up in a puff of smoke.

The courts burned a 16-year-old UK girl recently over wearing a ring at school. Wearing jewelry is a direct violation of the school dress code. The girl, Lydia Playfoot (footplay, whatever, this is what you get when you’re British.) claimed that the ring was a “religious artifact” and for the school to deny the right to wear it was a discriminatory act. Unfortunately for her, they decided that her trinket wasn’t an integral part of her faith and as a result she is no longer allowed to wear it. Her chastity ring is no more. Right? Chastity ring. The girl went to court to fight for a chastity ring. Well, guess the floozy is going to be uncontrollably flinging her legs up in the air in a classroom near you, shedding her virginity into the wind one emission at a time. The fairy tale never told.

Stateside, another delusional woman has struck as well. DeeDee (and that is what you get when you’re American) has claimed that the funeral home that processed her husband’s body cheated her out of his ashes and she lives in constant fear that the ashes are not her late husband’s remains. When someone passes, aren’t they supposed to rest in peace? Isn’t that the point? Fine, maybe that could be a justifiable complaint. However, the widow goes on to sue for the value of her husband’s prosthetic leg. Now we are reaching some uncharted territory. Who, in their right mind, with the need to discover the true carbon of her dearly beloved would also just throw in the value of a $7000 leg just for good measure in her lawsuit? Surely, your intentions are a tad off. I mean, this is a joke right? You’re totally pulling my leg, Dee. Stop it. Just let go. (I know. Too, too easy.)

On a lighter note, Egypt is officially banning female circumcision. Someone has managed to do the right thing. Shedding an old tradition mired in crazyland that sheds lives (clitoris, ability to bear children, and normal sex life included). Thank fucking Christ.

In the end, perhaps people in the hottest places of all have evolved past the need to cling to nonsensical crap and move the fuck on. Think on that, motherfuckers. Forget it. It’s not worth it. Move it along.