I am going through a dark stage. Nothing seems to be working out they way I had hoped. It is giving rise to a sense of fear about my future and allowing all of my shadows to come to the surface.

Yesterday, I had a job interview. I do not really want the job, but it is one of only two jobs that I have seen advertised in the last two years for which I might be qualified. The interview threw me off centre. They were asking very basic technical questions but nothing about my work experience, problem-solving skills and project management skills. As the interview progressed, I became tongue-tied; I started to feel exasperated by the questions they were asking; and started to feel stupid because of the simple questions I could not answer.

I came home feeling totally depressed; feeling like there is no place in the world for someone with my experience and abilities; feeling like I have missed the boat; made a wrong turn somewhere along the way. It unleashed all of the dark voices in my head. I started feeling angry at my self; beating up on myself for leaving the one workplace where I felt that I did belong; and berating myself for being so difficult and so angry. I started feeling like I should just retire; throw in the towel; give it up.

I found myself eating dinner alone with an episode from the short-lived, but wonderful TV series, Joan of Arcadia. In this episode, their whole family is dealing with the darkness in the world, and Joan’s mom recounts a story from a Priest about how there are times of consolation and desolation in our lives. She explains to her husband that during the times of consolation, we feel we are on the right path in our lives; we feel connected to people; and we feel like God is on our side. Whereas, during the times of desolation, we feel that nothing is going right in our lives; we feel like things are not going to be okay; and we feel like everyone has abandonned us including God.

I found something comforting about this; knowing that others experience these dark stages; these times of desolation. It somehow made me feel less alone; less pathetic; and less hopeless. It also reminded me that I have been here before, many times before, and that things have always gotten better. So, for now, I am hanging on to that idea; a golden thread that feels like a lifeline.

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About kp

I am a woman and a mother, a sister and a wife. I have called myself a socialist and a feminist, an environmentalist and an activist, a pagan and an atheist. But, at this stage in my life, none of these labels feel right. I am searching; trying to find an inner calm; trying to make peace with life's disappointments; trying to answer the big questions in my own small life.

8 Responses to Times of Desolation

Kim,
I’m sitting here, looking out my window at the big, old trees that have been here for 60+ years. (I was thinking I was lucky to be so close to them, but it is a blessing, not luck.) And I wondered about the families that sat here before me, watching life pass by. Who were they? What were their problems–and blessings? Then your post came up and it reminded me of how much we humans are the same, of how much our struggles are the same. Trees truly are our Angels, planted with us here, but stretching to the Heavens, reminding us the answers lie in faith and in Love. All will be well. Blessings your way, Pam

I understand this all to well. I recently read an article on Ophra’s site from Valerie Monroe. Here is a quote, “As adults, Haines says, it appears we move in and out of equilibrium in five-to-seven-year configurations as we experience frustrations and adapt to them.” I found this to be affirming. You may be going through a disequilibrium stage. Thanks for sharing, Janice