"As we enjoy great advantages from the inventions of others, we should be glad of the opportunity provided to serve self-interest when Al Gore created the internet; and we should also thank Mark Zuckerburg and Jack Dorsey for creating Facebook and Twitter out of the kindness of their big hearts and not the thinness of their small wallets."

-Ben Franklin, Autobiography (1742)

Friday, March 25, 2011

The War of 1805 - Day 5: Thomas Jefferson

This week we have delved deeper into the unspoken history of the 1805 Zombie war than most historians ever attempt. We hope that these last few posts have shed some light on what really happened during this most controversial period in history. From the prophetic wisdom of Da Vinci to the misguided betrayal of John Trumbull to our national mistreatment of the Salem witches that ultimately sealed our fate, we have hopefully succeeded in shedding light on some concrete moments throughout this difficult era where history could easily have taken a different turn.

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. The real take-away here is an plea that we as a nation stop casually ignoring these less popular parts of the American story in order to ensure that we never face another horror like the winter of 1805. Indeed, with our advances in technology the threat of a robot apocalypse often seems to loom just over the horizon, making it more imperative than ever that we learn from our mistakes, lest we wake up one day to find our mechanical servants have been driven over the edge.

Despite the dangers we face, we as always feel it is just as important to celebrate our triumphs as it is to somberly highlight our failures. Thus, we will wrap up this week on a high note with a rare excerpt from a speech by Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence and slayer of no less than 47 zombies during the battle at Darrow Hill that marked the end of the war and the undead scourge. Always the consummate teacher, Jefferson instructed the militias on the proper use of firearms when battling zombies mere hours before the battle began. The speech was previously thought unrecorded until we discovered the journal of what we believe to have been a college student who jotted down notes from Mr. Jefferson's lecture before fighting alongside the legend himself. Rather than reprint the full journal, which was mainly filled with doodles of women's breasts and a few crude limericks, we include for your pleasure the most complete excerpt:

"A strong body makes the mind strong and is our best defense against the undead. As to the species of zombies, I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind and true death to our resilient adversary. Zombies fought with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. That shit will get you killed. Let your gun therefore be your constant companion of your walks and let us finish this dark work with all due haste. Lock and load bitches."

Thomas Jefferson, December 24th 1805

Jefferson's passion is truly stirring and can certainly be attributed to the zeal of the brave men and women that won back our young country on that snowy Christmas morning in 1805.

That's it for zombie week here at Lost and Founders. Have a great weekend and stay vigilant!