Saturday, July 30, 2011

BRAKES. . . part 2

﻿﻿﻿[ contiuned from yesterday ] So how do you control yourself when
you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy even
though you know it’s best to wait? ﻿﻿﻿How do you handle these
powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and
without becoming too intertwined? Here are some action challenges to
help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship
progression with your new dating prospect:

1. Be proactive, not reactiveThis means to avoid acting on every impulse you have when it comes to your dating partner.
Do you really need to call him for the fifth time today? Is it wise to
send him one email after the other on the same day? Do you have to see
him every day this week? By thinking about the consequences of your
actions, you’ll be in a better position to guide the relationship along.
If you need to, snap yourself with a rubber band to break out of an
“impulse trance” to avoid making impulsive moves.

2. Balance togetherness with separatenessBeware of spending every waking hour with each other. You
need breathing room and you don’t want the relationship to become
suffocated by becoming too enmeshed. By having your own independent life
separate from the relationship, you’ll be bringing fresh air into it
that will help vitalize it and keep it exciting. Don’t forget you have
other roles, responsibilities, and relationships that deserve and need
your attention as well.

3. Find outlets for your impulsesStave off those self-sabotaging urges by finding productive outlets for those impulses to “rush things along.” Such
things as exercise, masturbation, fantasy, or writing can be helpful
pursuits to channel your thoughts and feelings toward when all you want
to do is direct your energies at your love interest. They can be
constructive distractions and physical releases for “emergency relief.”

4. Stay anchored in the here-and-nowNew lovers often times in their exuberance talk about what
their futures will be like together and this definitely accelerates the
pacing of the relationship. Instead, be fully present in every
moment you share together and enjoy each opportunity together as a gift
in “the now.” To help stay on an appropriate timeline for yourself, you
can create a personal scrapbook of the memories and experiences you’ve
shared with this special guy as a time-table and way to stay centered on
going slow and relishing in getting to know each other.

5. Communication starts from “Day One”Talk to each other about the thoughts and feelings that you’re having.
This shared dialogue will help cement the bond between you even more
and communication is one of the avenues toward building trust, respect,
and intimacy. By keeping the feelings and temptations vocalized, they
can be dealt with more directly.

Unspoken, suppressed desires have a way of erupting
spontaneously and you’re more at risk for acting-out by keeping
everything hidden. Obviously you’re not going to want to share
everything you’re fantasizing about with your dating partner (there do
need to be some boundaries!), but keeping the dialogue open and honest
can help pace the momentum.

6. Always stay in touch with your personal requirementsBeing mindful of the qualities and characteristics of your
ideal partner and relationship can be an excellent barometer to gauge
the pacing of your relationship. With every experience and
contact you have with your new dating partner, you’re learning more and
more about whether this is truly a goodness-of-fit.

Does he share similar values?

Does he stimulate me intellectually?

Is he trustworthy and loyal?

Can I be vulnerable with him and share my feelings?

Do we have physical chemistry and sexual compatibility?

These are all things that are learned in the process of your
dating journey with this particular man. Stay true to your personal
requirements and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship,
and you can’t go wrong!

The beginning of a new dating relationship is often times
characterized by an abundance of feel-good feelings that can be
mind-boggling and overwhelming. Enjoy the thrill of what is
happening to you and at the same time make sure that you stay in control
of these feelings as opposed to the other way around.Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask
yourself to ensure your relationship is pacing at a rate you are
comfortable with before allowing yourself to be vulnerable and consider
commitment would be: Has my dating partner consistently
demonstrated through his words and actions that he is safe to let into
my life and share my heart? The answer to that question can only be answered through the passage of time and shared experiences.

About Me

23 yo,5'10, 155, brn hair, drk brn eyes. Nordic skier,swim,run,bike,soccer, sex,party. Aug 2011 Beginning PhD program at university near Boston,psych major, completed Masters, now to PhD. Hope to work as psycho-therapist,serving esp gay community helping teens and olders deal with being gay in too-often un-nurturing hostile society.
My first blog so we shall see where this goes. See ya around town, bros.. . or the Dunes.lol
If you want to contact me privately you may email me at jstn_oshea@yahoo.com