Joan Collins deported to Afghanistan

In the aftermath of the Euro 2004 elections, the UKIP has announced that it is to establish links with Ian Paisley's DUP, which topped the poll in Northern Ireland. We understand that the UKIP has agreed to renegotiate the Good Friday Agreement with the DUP, and in return, the DUP will negotiate a free trade area with the UKIP. Both parties claim the deal will confound their critics who accuse them of offering the electorate options which either do not exist or are not obtainable.

Meanwhile, the French government has deported Joan Collins to Afghanistan as an undesirable alien. An outraged Ms Collins said today "I am neither undesirable nor an alien." However, a French government spokesman insisted "Madame Collins is indeed undesirable, and while she might not actually be an alien, she sure looks like one. She has made it quite clear that she does not wish to be governed by the French, so we have granted her wish."

We understand that Ms Collins was given the opportunity of being deported to the U.K. but declined in favour of the delights of Kabul. We asked her to explain her decision in the light of her high-profile campaign on behalf of the UKIP. She responded "You can't expect me to live in England; the weather's foul; the food stinks; the young men spend their time binge drinking and running amok in the streets; and as to the cost of servants - well, it's really not on, darling."

When asked what she thought of The Taliban, Ms Collins replied "I've never heard of them - are they any good?"

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