just a short one

A burglar is breaking into a home, and as he comes into the living room he hears: "God is watching you." Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says: "What is your name?"The bird replies, "Moses."The burglar laughs and says: "What kind of an idiot names their parrot Moses?"And the bird replies, "The same idiot who named his Rottweiler, God."

Being 54

A Husband wrote the following letter for his Wife and left it on thedining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and Ivalue you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, Ihope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will bespending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort InnHotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the followingletter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind youthat you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher atour local college. I would like to inform you that while you readthis, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of mystudents, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,virile, and like your secretary, is18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellentknowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the samesituation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lotmore times than 54 goes into 18!!!

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!

_____________________________________

A little kid gets on a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,

This is why I love fairy-tales

Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, "Papa, where were you all night, last night?" Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."

Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?" "I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.

Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning. Papa was angry. "Just where in the **** were you all night, Baby Stork?""Out scaring the s**t out of college students," Baby Stork giggled. ------Have a great weekend all :)Rob

Something clean for a change

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service and MRSA

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

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