December 31, 2010

I woke up January 1st

I feel like I’ve been neglecting this space for some time now. A great deal of it has to do with just how ridiculously busy, and therefore tired, I’ve been. I’ve started many posts, but not finished many.

It’s also hard to feel like I’m just re-writing misery all the time. And though the pain of missing Elias is ever present – weaved within the tapestry of the soul, there are good things going on in my life too. I hope to find a balance in writing about that more. It can be tough to feel like if you write about one perhaps people will think the other doesn’t exist . . . . but that’s my own issue I need to get over.

I noticed from my last post, there were a number of recently widowed people who had found my blog. People who have lost their loved one this year, some only weeks ago. When I touched on their blogs, I read so much of what I wrote last year at this time. I re-read my post from last New Years. As I mentioned last time, that was one of my toughest days.

I guess all I wanted to say to those who may be reading this today, and feeling the same way as I did last year on New Years Eve, is that I woke up on January 1st, 2010. No better or worse than any other day without Elias. And step by step, little by little, I made it through the year. I survived. I’m not trying to say that tonight won’t be difficult or bypass the sadness . . .

I’m still dreading another year coming to a close – a year that Elias never got to see. But, I just may take down my 2009 calendar, once and for all. And, I will wake up on January 1st, 2011.

I wish you all as much peace as this night can find you.

~C~

*****

My love, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it 1000 times – thank you for walking into my life this night, 15yrs ago. My life was changed in so many ways and I would never take a moment away from what we shared.

~C~

P.S. I Love You

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Beautiful, uplifting post Chels. Today I’ve tried to focus on the blessings of all the years I had with Austin, of all the anniversaries we got to spend together, instead of the fact that we aren’t together today. I hope today is all you were hoping it would be. And that 2011 is full of amazing things for you. Love to you and the girls.
Deb

I too have a calender up from a significant part of my husbands end. And I’m not ready to take it down. I hear what u are saying about trying to find a happy medium of the good and bad (misery) in your blog. Misery is a top priority in mine. It’s a place to put all those feelings. And it helps me. My family doesn’t know about it so I feel free to write what I really want.
Maybe you should start another one, just a blog of you and the girls in 2011. When u can be as happy and optimistic about the future as you wish, and without feeling like you left “someone” behind. I personally like your letters to you husband.

Thanks so much for this, Gayle. I finally took down the calendar last night – felt good about being able to do so, then was rocked by what was stuck to the cover . . . it was some visualization items that we had used for Elias’ treatment (post coming shortly about that).
I do tend to be careful at times here – I have many friends and family who read and I don’t want them worrying – but this past month has been so, very hard.
Thank you for liking my letters =) A part of me still misses writing that way, which is why I usually put a little at the end.. . .
~C~

I’m only 19, live in Europe and I have never experienced this kind of loss. I hope I never will. We are different, but your blog still means a lot to me. I found it only few days ago and since then I’ve read all your posts. I’ve cried, a lot. I even cried myself to sleep last night just because I read some of your earlier posts and they broke my heart.

I wanted to say thank you. Your blog taught me a lot. It taught me that there really is love that lasts forever. It taught me how important it is to REALLY value my family, my boyfriend, my friends..to just be thankful that they are there for me. It taught me that we can survive almost everything – even the worst kind of pain in the world.

It may sound cheesy – but you ( and Elias ) changed my life and I’m ever thankful for that.

Hello Kristel,
Thank you so very much for your comment. I’ve had one or two others who have commented something similar in the past, and it always warms my heart. One of the reasons Elias and I started sharing our story on the Caringbridge site (and my continuation here), was in hopes that we could share some of what we learned about living for the moment and appreciating what we have while it’s here . . . . whenever I hear from people such as yourself, it helps me feel like what we went through wasn’t in vain, and I just know how happy it would make him as well – and nothing makes me happier than that.
I would try to be more eloquent, but Eibhlin is tap dancing in the living room right now (wearing swim goggles) hopped up on the last of the gingerbread and it’s a little distracting =)
Thanks again,
~C~