Tuesday, January 5, 2010

EASE

I've been in a full blown ugly battle with myself these last few days. After what felt like a fairly smooth start to the new year, something happened.

My mind started to work overtime, like the energizer bunny, in the most obnoxious of ways; blaming, guilting, criticizing, questioning, doubting, dwelling on all that doesn't appear to be moving in my life, stuck in the muck of judgment and lack. I've cursed the stars, the heavens, the Universe. I've felt like hiding under something warm and dark. I've felt like running far far away.

This battle may be due to the fact that it's been two and half weeks since i've had any real quality alone time. Or maybe that I've gained a significant amount of weight and haven't made time for exercise, or maybe it's that not one person has signed up for the class i'm supposed to be co-facilitating this month. Or maybe it's because I lost the name for my blog and can't get it back and now some of the few people who came here have no idea how to find me. Or maybe it's because I'm an extremely sensitive person who tends to take on the energies of pretty much everyone and everything. Or maybe it's because it's inevitable that i will circle back to these dark places from time to time, like we all do in our own ways. Probably it's a little bit of everything. But mostly it's because i've allowed my mind to take over and carry me away.

And it has had a field day like no other.

And I've stopped nurturing myself. I stopped doing the necessary things that bring me back to center; exercise, good eating, outdoor time, yoga, writing, painting, reading, quietly sitting with myself, releasing, talking to friends that "see" me, breathing. I've identified with my thoughts, attached to them and believed all the ugly yuck they've been telling me. I temporarily forgot that I am not my thoughts. I forgot that my happiness does not need to be ruled by what's happening. I forgot that when I quiet my mind and center myself with my breath, I can access my power and peace instantly.
It's interesting that all this struggle has taken place when I've decided my word for this year will beEASE.

But, really, it makes sense. Isn't it the way it typically goes? We set our intentions on something and our warrior-like mind kicks into overdrive, slams on the breaks, decides to bare its crooked teeth and fight like hell for the last say.

But it's not going to get the last say on this one. Nope. I'm ready to say goodbye to struggle; farewell, ciao, au revoir, adios amigo, good riddance. I'm ready to slide into ease.

Ease, as in: (In Webster's words)

"The condition of being comfortable or relieved."***"Freedom from pain, worry, or agitation:
"Freedom from constraint or embarrassment; naturalness."***"Freedom from difficulty, hardship."
"Freedom from financial difficulty; affluence: a life of luxury and ease."
"A state of rest, relaxation, or leisure"

Freedom. Relief. Comfort. Rest.

Ease...

Bring it on....

I'm ready for you.

Update: This morning I did yoga and worked out at the gym. And I wrote! My girls are back in school so I'm getting that quiet time I was craving. My mind is much much quieter, my heart more peaceful...

5 comments
:

"Or maybe it's because it's inevitable that i will circle back to these dark places from time to time, like we all do in our own ways."

I had an Audre Lorde quote on my notebook in college that said something like, "Be who you are and will be..learn to cherish that boisterous black angel that drives you up one day and down another." I took it out of context, I am sure, but I still think of it when I find myself in a downward spiral. The funny thing is....I (we? many of us?) think that the negative place is where we will stay, like it's the default. Do we ever think that when we are spiraling up? Oh wow...here is my place? Or...maybe even better, notice the negative place, give it little energy, and know we are just passing through.