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Goodbye and all his void

Saying goodbye to people I love and care about is the single most devastating thing that my heart experiences. It is the kryptonite stone that reveals my humanity in its rawest form. It is a reminder that my desire to be a robot that functions like a machine can never be possible on this earth. It is an overwhelming indicator that my desire and need for God must never be satiated. It can never be enough, because I always have a frame of reference for heart break.

Of course - it is nothing to be ashamed of to miss people. You don't have to need people to care for them dearly. You don't have to be clingy to love people with everything you have. You don't have to be pathetic to be human. You don't have to be abnormally connected to people to feel their pain, and rejoice in their joys. I would suggest that the best human beings make the best type of friends. The greatest women and men are the ones who walk this journey with you - and walk it in a way that make you want to be the best version of your God given potential.

Yet time and time again, I grow uncomfortable with my reaction to saying goodbye. Afterall, I am supposed to be the foreigner on this earth that does not react to normal situations in normal ways. I am supposed to be the one that can see the bigger picture. I am supposed to be the soldier that the army can look to for instruction. I should have Godly perspective. I should have Godly strength. I should be the model for dealing with change. I have said goodbye to things that most people take for granted. So why would saying farewell be an issue? I should have the focus and strength to break free from such heartache...such torture...but I don't...and I can't.

You say goodbye to friends when they leave to make sure a remnant remains in Egypt. You say goodbye to family when they have to go back to where they live. You say goodbye to loved ones when they go off to war. You say goodbye to family members when they die. You say goodbye to ex girlfriends or boyfriends when they finally move on completely and get married. You say goodbye to jobs that represented stability. You say goodbye to good friends when you know they are better off without you. You say goodbye to dreams that you know were never real dreams. You say goodbye to lofty ambitions when they never came from the right place. You say goodbye to old habits. You say goodbye to what you are supposed to release.

There is something unique in our humanity that God deposits in us. I used to never admit how needy my heart was. I used to never want to be this weak. In my recent years, I realize what it means for His grace to be sufficient - not only in our weaknesses, but in our strengths - in our victories - in our greatest moments. Somewhere along the line, we told ourselves that grace is only needed in heartache and disappointment. Grace is in everything. Our so called high points are full of His grace, in as much as in our most crippling moments.

I am not sure if I will ever be able to stomach saying goodbye. I have a hunch that this will continually be one of my biggest struggles - until I find my eternal home. In all of our goodbyes, we can find solace in the fact that a God can fill up any and every place. He is greater than our lack. He is closer than our hearts.

To those of you that I must, will, and have said goodbye to - Peace, and ever so much love to you.