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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble

IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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Soul Cleansing

October 08, 2009

Like Brat with his Ulysses Grant* like stubbornness on being a running team, I'm going to establish what we know so far this year. Below are bullet points. I've been saying it for a while now, if newspapers just went to the all bullet point format, they wouldn't be in so much trouble.

Good Things

The Defense has played fantastic so far. Outside of one hilariously soul crushing fluke play against Denver, The D has gotten its wreck on. Mike Zimmer is like the Blue Dude in Watchmen smart compared to Chuck Breshnahan.

Antwan Odom - 8 sacks in 4 games. I don't care that 3 or 4 of them came against a backup tackle in the GB game. If you extrapolate his numbers out over 16 games, he gets like 60 something sacks. That is a lot of F'ing sacks people.

Tom Nelson - I haven't seen him do much besides continue to be white and fast on special teams. But whatever, the man oozes PHYSICALITY!

Brian Leonard. Opposing D Coordinators are so troubled by his grit that they are gearing their whole scheme around taking away the shovel pass and rb flats routes. John Gruden was wrong about Delhomme leading the league in grit, 40 for the Bengals has that statistical achievement wrapped up. And besides, how do you even measure infinity grit?

Bengals record this year: 3-1. Last year: 0-4

Problems

Shayne Graham and Brad St. Louis are not good at their jobs.

Carson hasn't shown that he can throw the deep ball. That one to Chris Henry last week, wow. I'm not a doctor(Neither are our trainers, unless you respect mongolian medical degrees), so I can't say with authority if the science I'm about to drop on you is actually true. If you tear something in your elbow and you don't surgically repair it, won't it end up not completely healing? Stay with me here. If you tear your knee up, which is another joint, and you just stay off it and pray every night, it'll heal itself? Right?

Cedric Benson is a good short yardage runner, but to me is regrettably slow getting to the edge. That sentence was paid for by The Coalition To Get Benny Scott More Carries in 2009.

The line is not consistently giving Palmer time to survey the field. I don't like watching Palmer have to dance around in the pocket.

July 01, 2009

While most fans in Bengaldom (whats up Bagdad Hob) are spending their summer plotting ways to conduct a hostile takeover of the Bengals franchise, it is nice to see some comrades get the chance to have a little bit of fun. This particular comrade, who goes by the name "Treats" or "Ralph Nader" in some circles, sent in some photos of him in his awesome WDR gear catching 16 lb trout off the coast of Chicago.

If you get a chance to snap some shots of yourself doing awesome stuff in awesome WDR gear, please send it in! Viva la revolucion!

June 09, 2009

KissingSuzyKolber has an article today about Chris Berman that I don't think goes far enough. Although it is evident that Big Daddy Drew is not a fan, I was hoping for a piece so hate-filled that it would transcend the plane between the internet and the outside world, instantly vaporizing Berman and all his smug shtick.

I've lightly touched on the topic of ESPN/Berman before but let me reiterate, he is the worst personality in sports broadcasting. I'd take an infinite loop of Joe Theismann, Hubie Brown and Tim McCarver calling every game in every sport if it meant I never had to hear him turn a straightforward highlight into a bad pun again. It depresses me to think that people out there find him entertaining.

ESPN deserves a lot of credit for making sports such a cultural phenomenon, but in the last 10-15 years I really think it has made all of us dumber in the way we look at sports. ESPN does not make people think about sports analytically. Like a baby, it makes us consume sports information in tiny little morsels, which affects people's views. Instead of getting a discussion on Chad's merits as a receiver, three talking heads yak it up about Chad's sideline antics. Instead of talking about the Bengals as a team, we get a clip of Marvin jogging onto the field and then Mark Schlereth saying he's on the hot seat. This stuff does not make you more informed, it does the opposite and reinforces black and white opinions that they hammer into their viewers head over and over. ESPN could be entertaining and smart considering how much is at their disposal and yet the media empire decided to make people view sports through a tiny prism where there is no room for grey areas or wide ranging ideas. It's sad.

This hurts Bengals fans because a lot of us only get our news and form our opinions form what ESPN tells us. They don't talk about how our ownership is a living breathing hex. How our O Coordinator should be selling tacos out of the back of a van. The sorts of things that bother WhoDeyRev to no end. So I guess what I'm trying to say is next time you get the chance, don't watch ESPN or Berman.

February 17, 2009

The signs that you are a probably Bengals fan are similar to the signs that it is probably time for a new job (a la CareerBuilder)...

CareerBuilder's signs1) If you hate going to work every day2) You're co-workers don't respect you3) You always wish you were somewhere else4) You cry constantly5) You daydream of punching small animals6) You sit next to "this guy" (annoying laugh, in a speedo, picking his toes, and you wish he were dead)

Bengals fan signs1) If you hate hearing the latest Bengals news every day (because it'll just piss you off)2) You're team's owners don't respect you3) You always wish the Bengals did something intelligent4) You cry constantly5) You daydream of punching small animals6) You sit near "this guy" (30-year-old suit, moron, doesn't give interviews, and you wish he were dead)

The Bengals have decided to use their franchise tag on kicker (who can't reach the endzone on kickoffs or hit a field goal over 50 yards) Shayne Graham.

February 10, 2009

From 2003 to 2008 (the first five years of the Marvin Lewis era in Cincinnati), it was a crime for a fan of Mike Brown's Bengals to wear the jersey of a Bengal player that isn't on the team anymore. Nor was it acceptable to wear personalized jerseys (and be over the age of 13) or to wear college gear. And the Bengals Pro Shop was a must pilgrimage for a Bengals fan at least once of twice during the year.

But now that Mike Brown's Bengals have not hired a GM, have not added any scouts, performed like a big pile of suck winning only four games (all meaningless), was the only team in the bottom ten in the NFL that did not make any coaching or management changes, Marvin Lewis chuckled and battled through every press conference expressing that he doesn't really care if there are fans, and the team used former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher's quote to entice Bengal fans into returning(this would be like having Jim Tressel write Michigan football's season ticket renewal letter); the need to wear the jersey of an active player has gone in reverse.

Let's take a look at the new rules for jersey etiquette at a Bengals game...

Rule #1 - Who's jersey should you wear?

Used to be...

Wearing a jersey of a Bengals that is no longer on the team was grounds for endless ridicule. If your guy left town, your jersey should have been lit of fire (failing a store offering 50% another jersey with a trade in - ah, in a perfect world). Wearing the jersey of an active player or Bengal legend was a must.

Is now...

Wearing a jersey of a Bengals that is no longer on the team is awesome. The older the better, the more random the better. The more tattered the jersey the better. The only true tule is that the random players should be from the Mike Brown era. Gus Frerotte, Neil O'Donnell, Jeff Blake, Carl Pickens, Corey Dillon, Neil Rackers, Darnay Scott, Jon Kitna, Jeff Query, Harold Green, Eric Steinbach, Willie Anderson, Deltha O'Neal, Madieu Williams, Akili Smith, Peter Warrick, Kelley Washington, David Pollack, Odell Thurman, Justin Smith, Kenny Irons, and David Klingler are all in play.

To review...

buying and wearing a brand new Keith Rivers jersey: waste of money; wearing a David Klingler jersey that you've had for years stuck in a drawer: AWESOME! Keep this in mind when Mike Brown let's Touraj Houshmandzadeh (aka The Hardest Man in Bengals history) walk in about two weeks.

January 01, 2009

I figure I'm not the only one out there who hates every team in the NFL and wants to watch them all lose. But since someone has to win, I am begrudgingly advocating a Dolphins championship. And it is really for only one spiteful reason.

Levi Jones.

Joey Porter and his boys had the one in a lifetime chance to hit him in the head with a stool and they freaking seized it. I envy Joey Porter's foresight to hit Levi Jones preemptively for his sorry play in the 2008 season.

December 28, 2008

WDR's End of Season Party at Blackfinn is now over, and has been deemed a great success. Many of
our readers were able to come out and meet the writers, crush out dozens of Miller Lites, and vent their frustrations of Bengals management in general. Blackfinn was more than generous with the never-ending supply of food and the freshest Miller Lite outside of Nick Lachey's kegerator. We had several fellow comrades win free t-shirts in contests of strength and skill including a beer chug, push-up race, and a break dance competition.

Not only was the atmosphere fun, but was inspiring as well. I myself met a diehard Bengals fan who has not missed a home game since 1984, and who in fact made it to Riverfront Stadium in time for kickoff on the day of his son's birth. What we would like to highlight here is that a man who has not missed a game in 24 years, decided to join the comrades at Blackfinn in lieu of giving Mike Brown any more of his hard earned dollars. This shows that the revolution is taking hold firmly in the foundation of Mike Brown's empire... within the roots of his unconditional support base. The most hard core fans are not going to put up with his BS anymore.

WDR has pointed this out before, but I will reiterate that big changes are coming to the Bengals, in one form or another. One type of change we can expect to see is on the Bengals' income statement. In a recession, small businesses and the independently wealthy are not going to sink their dollars into a crappy team. They will take their money elsewhere, like the Bearcats. This could mean millions in lost business for Mike Brown. Mike's other option is to bring in outside help in the form of a GM, relinquish control, and to win football games at all costs.

Sorry to get deep on you there... But the point is that the post season is upon us and we all look forward to watching the Bengals off-season decisions. Stay tuned to WDR for your Bengals news, raw and uncut.

December 26, 2008

Friends don't let friends give Mike Brown $7 for a beer (or $70 for 10 beers.) For this reason, your friends at WDR have teamed up with Blackfinn to bring you our End of the Season Party
this Sunday, December 28th from 12pm-5pm, during the final game of the
Bengals season. Roughly 0% of the proceeds will go to Mike Brown.

There will be no cover for all the heroes who donated their
tickets to the Chiefs game to Lighthouse Youth Services. For everyone else, we are
asking for a $5 donation that will go towards future WDR Project Mayhem
Tasks. BlackFinn will be offering $1 Miller Lite pints, $4 pitchers and
FREE food throughout the game. We will also be giving away free WDR
t-shirts at the end of each quarter (but you might have to do a push-up or two to win them.)

Long story short, if you were planning on going to the game, you should come here instead. The ticket is already a sunk cost. If you were planning on tailgating but had no plans for gametime, make your way up to Blackfinn. If you were planning on having a get together in your mancave, bring it on down to Blackfinn and raise your glass to the Revolution.

So we hope to see all our fellow
WhoDeyRevolutionaries at BlackFinn this Sunday for some cheap beer,
free food and revolutionary discussions. And if this post was not enough to get you to Blackfinn on Sunday, hopefully this will.

October 30, 2008

Going to a Halloween party this weekend? Taking the kids Trick-or-Treating? Having trouble coming up with a last minute Halloween costume? We already gave some costume ideas to the Bengal's management and players, now it's time to throw out some ideas to the disgruntled fans.

Let's make this clear. WDR is usually adamantly against grown ass men dressing up for Halloween*, but we
have come up with some entirely appropriate and disgustingly scary costume ideas for you to consider for your Halloween weekend festivities.

Now we aren’t promoting any certain neighborhoods to go Trick-or-Treating, but we are pretty sure Mike Brown’s neighborhood (if not address) can be easily found with a quick Google
search. Just sayin’. I heard he is handing out terrible draft picks this year (HEY OH!).

August 27, 2008

We here at La Revolucion want to prepare you for the excuses that the Bengals are going to use for when they suck this season. The sad part is, you don't need to be a psychic to see each and every one of these coming and you know they're coming! Picture Marvin Lewis saying these in a press conference.

Why the Bengals are losing in the pre-season: "It's pre-season. Pre-season games don't count."

Why the Bengals are 1-2 in their first three games: "It's early in the season, and we're trying to get healthy." This would work if a baseball team started 1-2.

Why the Bengals are 3-5 in their first eight games: "We had a rough first half schedule (Baltimore, Dallas, Tennessee, Giants, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Jets, Jacksonville), and we're still not healthy. Injuries are killing us."