Monday, January 10, 2005

like most things in life, finishing my new york saga is more effort than it's worth. but i'm in a mood tonight. an awfully dangerous mood. the type that involves me frozen in my car at 1am, listening to sinatra, and watching the neighbors sprinkler make a puddle in the street. not reflective, not pre-occupied, not enamored with this or with that, not trapped in some thought process, simply, mentally, lethargic. a tad bit tipsy too, perhaps. there has been a lot to take in today, but as i sat in my car just a few minutes ago, i can honestly say that i was blank as a blank and it felt nice. after sinatra, i let the silence in, even though i hate that silence: the silence so silent it in itself is loud, is obnoxious, makes your ears want to bleed and your heart beat a little faster, unsteady in perfection. i use to make myself sit in my car till i absolutely couldn't take it a second longer. like holding your breath under water, just 30 seconds longer, 10 seconds longer, breathe. i did it till this one night when the silence was so loud that i crumbled into tears. just pushing the limit, my weirdness, a limit of, in an audible and contradicting (non-)sense, the invisible nihilism. or an ear infection....i'm not sure. going to rock shows can do that. in fact, thanks to radiant, my ears are buzzing as i write. and being past 2am, my bed looks down right tasty. on that note,

boo. boo-boo-boo. you know what is refreshing and beautiful:brmc. i typically leave the mornings to things more gentle, but this morning i woke up with a scratch for some rock and damn, damn-damn-damn. i'm waiting to take off till patti takes off. she's gone psyco again. a break-up, and guess who gets the whip lash?!? me. i have my vent closed, a sweater tucked along the crack of my door, and a window open-and with all that, ya think the smoke wouldn't be able to get in here but it does. i'm freezing too. a note was left for me yesterday asking if we could get togather to discuss the "house rules", like i'm ever in the "house". i swear, i try as best as possible to be invisible so she'll have nothing to bitch about and even with my most admirable attempts at being a ghost, there is still something she's found to wind her panties in a wad about. whatever. so, erik you want;you need the scoop. :) ha! who knows, who knows.