Sunday, March 05, 2006

Romantic Tips For Sensitive Zombies

This is a romantic advice column for zombies. If you are not a zombie, then you had probably better stop reading now. If you are not a zombie, then, I do not hesitate in saying that this is probably the most inappropriate romantic guide that you will ever read in your life.

If you are a zombie, however, it is quite appropriate.

If you look like this, then keep reading.

1. Communication is essential to all zombies in a relationship. Remember, guy zombies, if you're going out with a girl zombie, always tell her how much she means to you.Here are some conversational pointers:

'When I leer into your eye-sockets, my heart swells with horror.'

'Oh, Repulsiva. You fill me with such sweet revulsion, as another would feel upon gazing at a hollowed out skull filled with maggots. Be mine!'

2. Take her out somewhere nice. Remember, just because you feel like going to the local McDonalds and eating some of the customers doesn't mean she does. Perhaps she prefers a romantic evening spent in the graveyard, savaging some of the Goths?

3. Many girl zombies like dancing, but always remember, when you are holding her, refrain from biting her limbs off. This sort of behaviour is to be confined to the bedchamber. This may seem a little old-fashioned to some of you younger zombies out there, but it is the right thing to do.

4. If her arm, leg, or head falls off while you are kissing her, be polite. Store them in a safe place before continuing.

5. If, on the other hand, she is feeling adventurous, leave them out, and you could have a great deal of fun. One of the great advantages of being a zombie is that you can put your limbs to a great deal of use before screwing them on again afterwards.

(If this column interests you, you might like to look at some of the other useful publications:

10 comments:

Ah, there, see Tim, Lorena held onto her part time work while looking for a new job. Very sensible course of action. And if Lorena finds herself in changed circumstances now she'll have your zombie advice to fall back on, which is just great. See, blogging & job seeking is working already!

fatman - look, I understand that you gave the decison serious thought, weighing up the costs & benefits rationally, but don't come back here complaining about how lean are your mating pickings now that you've ruled out the zombie ladies.