Rambles about stuff I like.

More relationship drama: dealing with issues, taking steps to get better.

Well, I’ve found an online resource that should help me with my anxiety, trust and jealousy issues in relationships. So I’ll go through that program and see how it helps.

I sorta think that I have to move passed the slut who cheated on me, and not ascribe her characteristics to every girl I date. I think this will probably be hard, it will take some soul-searching, but I’ll come out of it a better man.

The letter I wrote on Tuesday is likely sitting in my ex’s mailbox as I write this. (Yeah, not using names makes things harder to figure out – so this is the most recent ex. The one I broke up with whom I still really, really like. Not the slut-bag from hell.) I keep fantasizing about how she’ll react. Ideally, she’ll call me and be all like, “Let’s get back together! I’ll work with you on whatever issues you have!” But somehow, I doubt this will happen. Life isn’t a tv show – relationships are messy, and once trust is broken, it’s not easily regained.

I mean, a large part of me still really, REALLY wants to get back together with her. But I know that, while I’ll be happy to see her again, I won’t have solved my issues. And if we were to go back to dating, these issues would almost instantly crop up again. Sadly, I think it’s over for good – and I’ll always have to look back on her and smile, as she was the one that made me deal headlong with my issues.

From this self-help book I read (No More Mr Nice Guy), I’ve been advised to let go of emotional attachments to romantic situations. I think I probably have plenty of emotional attachments, that when they go poorly, I react poorly. I know I certainly don’t approach many women for fear of a negative emotional reaction (i.e., getting rejected.) All these things I will have to deal with.

I think, basically, dealing with my issues means facing my fears. Since the slut-bag, I’m afraid that every woman I meet will act the way she did. In some way, when I was dating my latest ex (let’s just call her the paragon of cuteness), I was afraid of my feelings. She and I connected almost immediately, and I think I was scared of being hurt again. That’s probably certainly part of what happened.

Welp, the program I’m following has advised me to take a break from women until I’ve gotten to a certain step in the program. Not only a break from women, but a break from sex as well. As a result, I’ve un-installed Tinder from my phone, and un-followed all the hotties I was following on Instagram. Because another key component to this program is to not masturbate until you’ve reached a certain point in the program. Now, not to get into too many sticky details – but I’m a dude with a high sex drive. I’m used to visiting the spank bank on a regular occasion. But because I’m so goddamn angry at having to end my relationship with this great girl due to my issues, I’ll try any thing, no matter how hard it may be. (Or how hard I may get… heh heh heh.)

The other thing, is that whenever I’m faced with a problem, I want to solve it right away. I’m not looking forward to the fact that this program will take a couple months, maybe even longer. I’m pretty stubborn, so I think that I might be determined to stay a certain way, and necessary change will take longer than expected. I know that, in the end, I will move passed my issues, become a healthy, confident and secure man, and meet a wonderful girl.

I suppose I will also have to revisit my Love goals. Originally, my Love goals were all about living a life of sexual abundance. But now I’m questioning basically all my assumptions about love and sex. So I don’t even know what I really want anymore. It’s something I will have to sit down and think long and hard about. (Speaking of long and hard…. Oh Lord!)

Man – this used to be a fun blog about TV, goals and being tired? What the fuck happened? I go out with one chick and all of a sudden my life is in turmoil. Ridiculous.