Funeral Etiquette

I recently got a call from a friend I had not seen in five years and spoken to about twice a year, over the past five. His father had passed and he was calling to let me know about the funeral. I am in New York and the funeral is in Los Angeles. Not to sound like a horrible person, but the days of jumping on a plane are just not what they used to be. Plus I would have to take off work. So my question is - if the person has family and a partner, is it cold for me to feel like I don't need to attend.

TIA

by Anonymous

reply 30

03/03/2013

Of course not. You're not family or even a particularly close friend. Send a card. Flowers or donation to a charity, if you're feeling particularly generous.

by Anonymous

reply 1

01/28/2011

OP= Gloria Vanderbilt, overseeing one of her sweatshops

by Anonymous

reply 2

01/28/2011

OP, a sympathy card is sufficient. No, you should absolutely not fly across the country for this.

by Anonymous

reply 3

01/28/2011

Was the father hot?

by Anonymous

reply 4

01/28/2011

OP, I honestly don't think you need to attend.

My sister and I started discussing plans for my mother's funeral last night. We got the terminal diagnoses yesterday. I have no expectation that any of my friends who are scattered all over the country, many who I haven't seen in a few years to attend her funeral.

I'm torn about calling the couple of friends who still live in my hometown to let them know what's going on since we've not been in touch in a few years since I'm not on the opposite side of the country.

by Anonymous

reply 5

01/28/2011

Go to St Malachy's Church, 239 West 49th Street, and ask for a Mass Card and a blowjob. It's known as "The Actors' Chapel."%0D

by Anonymous

reply 6

01/28/2011

You know the father died just to inconvenience you, don't you?

by Anonymous

reply 7

01/28/2011

I think it's a natural part of grief to want to tell everyone you know that someone close to you has died.%0D %0D A sympathy card should be sufficient to show you "care" although, you patently don't in this instance otherwise you would not be posing your question here.%0D %0D Alternatively, and if you really want to push the boat out, 'Interflora' (or the USA equivalent) is invaluable in circumstances such as these - they'll even write the card for you.%0D %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D

by Anonymous

reply 8

01/28/2011

R8, you are RUDE. Just because the OP does not want to drop everything including work and fly across the country does not mean that he does not care.%0D %0D Also, flying across the country costs fairly big money. Why should the OP automatically be expected to shell out $500 or $1000 (because it is such short notice) for a plane flight?%0D %0D R8, you really are a crummy person.

by Anonymous

reply 9

01/28/2011

Considering the relationship you have/had with this person there is certainly no need for you to attend a funeral all the way across the country. If your friend has a mature attitude I'm sure he does not expect you to attend. Flowers or a donation to a proper charity in the deceased's name would be appropriate. I much prefer making charitable donations in these circumstances as I believe spending money on flowers is a complete waste of money. If you do buy flowers at least buy something that is still alive that your friend can plant in the yard as a tribute to his father.

by Anonymous

reply 10

01/28/2011

I really don't understand, OP. Why would you even ask? If you are truly perplexed, I can't imagine how you make your way through life unassisted.%0D %0D Seriously.

by Anonymous

reply 11

01/28/2011

[quote][[R8]], you are RUDE. Just because the OP does not want to drop everything including work and fly across the country does not mean that he does not care.

Oh please. OP is making this all about himself.

by Anonymous

reply 12

01/28/2011

I am with R11--can OP even tie his shoes?

by Anonymous

reply 13

01/28/2011

I hate it when people say "passed" instead of DIED. Makes it sound like the deceased went out with a giant fart heard round the world.

by Anonymous

reply 14

01/28/2011

The first time I heard "passed" was from a black woman at my job born in Georgia. Must be a cultural or Southern thing.

by Anonymous

reply 15

03/02/2013

Can I send a Mass Card to a family whose deceased wasn't Catholic?

by Anonymous

reply 16

03/02/2013

He reached out to let you know and have you share kind words. If he expects you to fly to LA, then he is as crazy as you for posting such a lame ass thread.

by Anonymous

reply 17

03/02/2013

OP, based on the description you've provided of your relationship with this person there is absolutely no need for you to attend the funeral. Order some flowers and I'm sure your friend will much appreciate the effort.

by Anonymous

reply 18

03/02/2013

I agree, r14.

Someone dies, not "passes. " I won't use the term.

by Anonymous

reply 19

03/02/2013

When people die, they don't pass; they fail.

R4, if you hurry, rigor mortis might have set in.

by Anonymous

reply 20

03/02/2013

Really, R15? Two years?

by Anonymous

reply 21

03/02/2013

die

by Anonymous

reply 22

03/02/2013

I'm in NYC and my friend is in FL. When his mother passed away last year I couldn't attend the wake or the funeral. However I did send a mass card and I ordered an arrangement of flowers to be sent to the funeral home. The flowers were beautiful (he sent me a pic of them) and my friend appreciated that I sent them even though I couldn't attend.

So in answer to your question, no, you shouldn't fly across the country to attend the funeral. Just call a place like 1800-Flowers or ProFlowers and have them send a floral arrangement to the funeral home out there. They send flowers anywhere in the country. I'm sure your friend will appreciate the gesture.

by Anonymous

reply 23

03/02/2013

I've never felt compelled to attend any personal function, but I'm always glad to hear about it so I can offer support. Everyone is different; some people invite 350 people to their wedding, which I never understood.

Who knows, maybe you would be in LA at the time of his funeral.

My dad died last year and the letters I received -- that I read when I had some time -- were very sincere and helpful. Several learned about his death from other friends whom I encouraged to spread the word because it was hard for me to talk about it.

I offer immediate condolences/ congratulations usually in the format I learned about an event, and make a charitable contribution in lieu of attending.

by Anonymous

reply 24

03/02/2013

Well, not pro flowers or 1800flowers. Lousy flowers. Call the funeral home and ask for local florist recommendations.

by Anonymous

reply 25

03/02/2013

OFGS, what a stupid question. YES, OP, you must drop everytrhing to fly3000 miles to attend the funeral of a person you once knew for a person you once knew, for one hour.

Make sure to buy a return ticket for that same afternoon!

THAT'S the trouper!

by Anonymous

reply 26

03/02/2013

Actually the floral arrangments from ProFlowers are beautiful. I've used them several times to send flowers for different occasions. But that's a great suggestion as well, r25.

by Anonymous

reply 27

03/02/2013

Pass Bart Pass

by Anonymous

reply 28

03/03/2013

Many funeral homes now offer online streaming of the wake and service.

by Anonymous

reply 29

03/03/2013

OP, have you ever entertain the possibility that now his controlling father has passed away, your friend may finally reveal his decade long secret love for you?

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