honestly ive got so much going on in my own head, i thought it would b so nice 2 jot it all down.. im a normal person with a normal life kinda like a soap opera! haha In order 2 follow me, your gonna have 2 start @ the "beginging blog" just so were all on the same page here :)

My Stuff

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Letters That Will Never B Read

daddy(11-3-66)-(08-16-09)these r things ive written 2 u since u went away, i know u will never get a chance 2 read them but i suppose sum how its helped me cope. coming up on ur 2 year very unbirthday i cant help but feel like its all happening all over again, i remember the moment i got the phone call that u were gone, the pain, the numbness, the anger, confusion, and the refusal 2 ever believe it. i think about u everyday and i break down about once a month, heres everything ive had 2 say:

2 years ago: Hi daddy, i just wanted 2 stop by and tell u how much i miss u, i wish i could hear ur voice, theres so much 2 say and so many ?z i want answered. but just know u r my every thought and i love u so much, my daddy, my best friend!

Daddy neners learned how 2 get down the stairs yesterday and 2day hes flying down them the way the girls did thatd make u laugh so hard, i cant believe ur missing out on him, everytime i look @ that lil boy i c how much u loved him, his lil face exspressions r so u. i just wish u were here 2 c him changing i know ud get a kick out of how big hes gotten since the last time u saw him, i love u daddy, we ALL love u and miss u

Hi daddy i cant stop thinking about u today, i watched DH its weird without u, although i can hear all ur smart ass comments in my head of what ud say, i miss u so much daddy, lifes never gonna feel normal is it? i love u so much

EVERYTIME I COME 2 UR PAGE I CRY, CUZ I KNOW THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN LET SOME THINGS OFF MY MIND......EMMAS MESSIN UP UR ROOM SHES BEEN HIDING GROSE STUFF IN UR VENT, I WAS WONDERING Y EVERYTIME THE AIR OR HEATER WAS ON IT STUNK, SISSYS TALKING ALOT MORE SHE ASKED ABOUT U YESTERDAY, SHE MISSES HER BAGA, GOD KNOWS I MISS U 2 DADDY. NATES BDAY IS IN A WEEK, U SHOULD B CELEBRATING THIS WITH US, U SHOULD B HERE WITH ME, U SHOULD B HOME!!! HES SO FUNNY I KNOW U'D GET A KICK OUT OF THE WAY HE IS, I CAN HERE U TELLING ME "HES GONNA B TROUBLE CHUCHI, JUST WAIT". HE GOT HIS FIRST TOOTH 2DAY. GOD DADDY IT KILLS ME 2 KNOW UR MISSING OUT ON THEM, AFTER U WHERE HERE 4 SO MUCH. THE CLOSER IT GETS 2 NENERS BDAY THE MORE I THINK ABOUT HOW U WERE HERE LAST YEAR 2 TAKE CARE OF THE GIRLS SO ME AND BRY COULD GO 2 THE HOSPITAL, MAYBE I DIDNT TELL U ENUF BUT I APPRECIATED UR COMPANY SOOO MUCH DADDY, I MISS U, GOODNITE DADDY I LOVE U

Daddy, its gonna b 2mths since u went away, i feel like ur fading, ur laugh seems so low, @ times i feel like im never gonna remember the sound of ur voice, the way u look and the way u used 2 act, im so lost without u daddy i miss u so much that my heart aches. i love u daddy please dont fade away

hi daddy, i miss u. in 30 mins is neners bday, im having a hard time excepting the fact that u will never c him again, god daddy he loved u so much. when we were decorating 4 the morning, i started cryin and thinking how u where here last year 2 go thru this with us, u where the 1st 2 hold him 4rm r family! i think about u constanlty and i wonder what ur thinking of nate and the girls. i need u by my side daddy and i dont think i will ever believe that, that wont happen. im sad im really sad, i just want my daddy 2 come home. i wish u could b here 2marrow 4 nates bday, with all the love i have in my heart daddy i miss u and love u so much

11*3*10 HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2 U,U BELONG IN THE ZOO, UUUU LOOK LIKE A MOOONNKEY AAAANNNDD U SMELL LIKE 1 2,(WELL I SAY)I MISS U DADDY I WISH I COULD HAVE CALLED U TODAY AND HEARD UR VOICE, I DID BREAK DOWN AS IM SURE ALL OF US DID, I KEEP REMEMBERING HOW U WERE WITH US LAST YEAR FOR UR BDAY AND HOW HAPPY U WERE WITH UR CAKE AND PRESENTS...I LOVE U DADDY AND I MISS U SO MUCH

miss u daddy, i just wanna hear ur voice or get a big ol hug 4rm u..lifes just not the same without u in it daddy, i dont think life will ever feel ok again

Hi Daddy, I Just Needed A Place 2 Write U. I Miss u More Than U Could Know. the girls call the north star ur star and 2nite when they saw it they said look mama bagas star. then they said we miss u baga and we love u. u had such an impact on their lives daddy, my only wish is that neners could remember how much u adored him from the time he was in my stomach. i miss u so much daddy, theres such a void in my life that hurts so bad, i wish u could b home with me again. i love u.your chubba lubba

January 30, 2010 at 7:21

i just wanted 2 stop by and say i thought about u all day 2day. i miss u, and i hope ur around watching the kids seeing all the crap u taught them 2 do...thanx daddy

hi daddy, jen was telling me a story bout "monter" and all i could think about was how ud get a kick out of it, lifes alot less fun without u daddy. i miss u, i miss ur laugh and just ur presence. the other day nate saw a pic of u and said "baga" he knows who u r, i hope u visit him alot, we still need u, all of us do. i love u daddy

Happy Valentines Day Daddy, had i only known this was the last 1 i was gonna spend with u, id have made it the best ever! this picture makes me cry, cuz u should b here! i miss u daddy and god this hurts. i love u daddy

Hi Daddy Happy Valentines Day. I Missed U So Much 2day. Me And Bry Went 2 dinner alone and he said ur dad should b there across from us, he said how ud b talking shit about everything...lol it made me cry, i didnt mean 2 and i know ud call me a sissy but the thought that u SHOULD b here with me kills me everytime! i miss u everyday, every second and the holidays it just hurts, it hurts so bad daddy. i miss u more than anything else in the world. im glad i have here 2 talk to u. xoxo daddy

Me And The Kids Got Valentines Balloons and wrote on um, we said that we loved u and missed u so much daddy, and we went outside and sent them to u. the kids were yelling we love u baga happy holidays...HAHA i bet if u were watching u got a kick out of it...i love u daddy

May 19, 2010 at 11:54pmJuly 23, 2010 at 7:34pmI wish heaven hada phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, butthat is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days beforethat too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All Ihave are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms...I will always haveyou in my heart.. ♥ u daddy and i miss u so much

July 29, 2010 at 10:14pmi keep hearing this song and thinking of the dance u made 2 go along with it...♥ i miss u daddy, u were so many ppls sunshine on their cloudy day.... :/

August 14, 2010 at 1:38pmits weird how some days i can convince myself everythings ok and ur not gone, but with this 1 year coming up, i feel like the tears r never gonna stop, it feels like were losing u all over again. how could a year have passed without ur laughter, ur smart ass ways, ur presence? i dont get it daddy how could u b gone, will this ever get bareable? will this void ever b filled?..... the day i lost u, i lost a huge part of myself....i miss u so much daddy, were all having a hard time this weekend....shoulda wouldve couldve daddy....

August 16, 2010 at 1:17amthe second the kids c the moon they say "look mama bagas moon" the second they c the stars "look mama bagas stars", when they walk outside they point @ the sky and say "look mamas thats bagas home", they think of u as much as i do...we love u daddy and u r dearly missed

September 3, 2010 at 11:40pmi missed u more 2day them usual, i just wish i had my daddy 2 talk 2...i truly feel alone in the world without u...♥

November 29, 2010 at 9:56pmhi daddy, i miss u, im gettin 2 the point of my monthly breakdown, sumtimes i can pretend well enough 2 feel like i can make it thru ok without u but other times life just seems so hard 2 go on, sumtimes i just need my daddy and its not fair ur not here! every1 is coming 2 meet juju and it feels so void cuz the 1 person i wanna c holding her will never even meet her. i wish i could turn bak time and keep u in new mexico with me, maybe ud still b here, maybe life would feel ok again, shouldve wouldve coulve daddy ;(

December 24, 2010 at 11:19pmMerry christmas daddy, 2 day is the 2nd christmas that i didnt have u here, all in all im so happy i have all those funny memories of ur last christmas, im so glad i got that time with u daddy....i miss u, i wish we could spend time 2gether like we did b4...lifes just not the same, and it makes me sad..i just want my daddy!

December 31, 2010 at 10:51pmdaddy, i hate 2 c another year go cuz it means another year without u. i miss u and i know it will never get any ez-er i think of u always and i miss u everyday....cheers daddy im drinkin 1 4 u ♥

January 1 at 10:59pmU were a wise man as much as u were a wise ass...ur sayyings and lessons u taught will live on thru us. I miss u daddy ;( u truly are 1 of a kind...always missed but never 4gotten

February 18 at 4:59pmhey daddy, i miss u so much, i wish i could just hear ur voice, come visit my dreams soon :( ♥

February 25 at 2:23pmI miss u daddy, I find myself thinking about u all the time, its not fair uve missed out so much on all the new babies. I'm sad u'll never know juju =(o ya and nate is exactly like u used 2 say hed b, himss baad! i bet u get a kick out of him, i think u instigate alot of the crap he does! i miss u so much its so hard 2 think u will never b here again and the fact that i'll never hear ur laugh again, i hate that it feels like ur fading away, plz dont go daddy, we still need u =(

March 5 at 1:21amThanx 4 sending poke 2 me, he reminds me so much of u ♥ I miss u daddy

March 16 at 11:06pmhi daddy ♥ its sad 2 say but 4 awhile there i started 2 forget ur laugh :( and trust me it kills me 2 think parts of u r fading away, but 2day b-rewnie said sumthing funny 2 poke and we all started laughing and poke laughed exactly like u :'( i stopped laughing and looked @ him and kinda wanted 2 cry, he reminds me alot of u and im so glad u raised him, feels like i got a piece of u bak and ur home again....i love u daddy

April 8 at 7:37pmi hope g-pa gave u the big swift kick in the ass u deserved 4 leaving us soo soon, i miss u daddy but now u got g-pa,randy, leelee and joey 2 keep u company ♥

May 20 at 11:02pmsumtimes it feels like im not gonna be able 2 breathe anymore, the pain just consumes me. i HATE that the 2 year mark is coming, cuz that means its been 2 years since i saw u, 2 years since we talked, and 2 years since i just had my daddy rite down the hall....i miss u more then words could ever explain. lifes supposed 2 go on rite?! y does it feel like it cant or wont, 2 years has gone by and i still feel the pain i felt the day i found out u left :( lifes not fair

June 2 at 11:18pmmy hard time is coming, the time when it feels like the world is gonna crush me, the time when it feels like my sadness wont end, the time when i need a moment 2 just cry cuz my heart hurts from missing u so much ♥ i feel this everyday sum more than others...... i just need YOU

June 18 at 3:00pmFor Father's Day: Copy and paste this if your DAD is in heaven. If roses grow in heaven Lord, then pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Dad's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love and miss him, and when he turns to smile, place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for awhile... ♥ I love you and miss you!R.I.P Edward Pope Gonzales daddy...4ever missed but NEVER 4gotten ♥

June 19 at 11:02amHappy fathers day daddy, although I can't tell u how much I appreciate u, just know there's a huge void 2day were ur supposed 2 b. I miss u everyday but 2day is a harder day 2 not have u in it... I love u daddy ♥ xoxoxoxo

June 23 at 9:57pmsumtimes i just wanna punch u in the face, its not fair u get 2 "just b" when we still have 2 deal with the BS of the world....i need u more times then often, i feel lonely, parentless, it makes me feel like a lil girl just reaching up 4 her daddys hand 2 protect her, and not finding 1. i dont understand things, u were supposed 2 b here 2 teach me. and what about jane?! she needs protecting 2, i wanna throw a fit and break shit and just keep screaming "ITS NOT FAIR" y did my daddy have 2 go?

‎2days 6 mths since that awful awful day daddy, i cant believe its been this long! it still feels like it was yesterday, i know the pain hasnt less'nd @ all. still hurts like i was told 2day, i miss u every moment of every day. we love u bagaFebruary 16, 2010 at 5:20pmeverytime i hear this song i picture u singing it, sitting @ urs and mamas table infront of ur computer with kayla on ur lap, the lyrics 2 this song fit u so perfectly, im glad ur not in pain anymore daddy, but u not in pain means all of us r. not a day goes by without me thinking of u, the pain doesnt get easier and the void is always there. i miss u daddy, with all my heart, we all miss u, the girls always ask about u and nate knows who u r, i hope u never fade, let me rephrase that i will NEVER let u fade..we love uhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=Fo0zu1VNZaA

May 17, 2010 at 11:12pm people tell me that its time 4 me 2 move on, its time 2 get over it, ya sure it sounds easy, but my heart just wont let it go. i feel empty, i feel lost, u knew me, u got me, and now that ur gone it feels like i dont know who i am anymore, u always kept me on track, u where always there 2 just bullshit when the rest of the family seemed 2 have lost it themselves. i think about u everyday, but ur v...oice is fading and ur laughter is fading 2, im scared that 1 day im gonna wake up and not remember the way u where. im scared about alot rite now daddy, and u where always my safe place, and now its gone! i just want my bestfriend bak daddy, i just want 2 feel safe again, i just want to feel ok.....i just want u daddy, i love u so much ;::(

me and jane were texting bak and forth and she reminded me of 1 of ur sayyings,"whats the only reason u cry"...."when u feel the pain is never gonna stop" when i read it i cried, because it does feel like the pain is never gonna end, she misses u 2 daddy she feels guilty 4 fighting with u so much, she doesnt need more stuff 2 feel bad about, shes already gotta deal with that crazy mother of hers...i wish u were here 2 fix it all daddy, u always knew what 2 say and how 2 help..we need u now

June 15, 2010 at 6:41pmHi daddy, I wish I could have talked 2 u 2day, this is the 1st kid I didnt get 2 tell u what im having...im sure u knew it was a girl, but it breaks my heart that I cant just pick up the phone and call u, espeacially when I need 2 just hear ur voice. I miss u daddy and I love u so much. Life just doesnt seem worth it sumtimes without u.....

June 20, 2010 at 8:22pmHappy fathers day 2day was just not the same without a daddy 2 celebrate...i missed u so much 2day

June 30, 2010 at 11:32pm i heard this and it made me cry, everytime the kids c the north star its their bagas star, the moon is ur moon, certain smells remind me ur still here...i miss u so much it hurts

"Do not stand at my grave and weep;I am not there. I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow.I am the diamond glints on snow.I am the sunlight on ripened grain.I am the gentle autumn rain.When you awaken in the morning's hush;I am the swift uplifting rush.Of quiet birds in circled flight.I am the soft stars that shine at night.Do not stand at my grave and cry;I am not there. I did not die".

July 15, 2010 at 12:16pmGod saw u getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around u and whispered "come with me" With tearful eyes i watched u, and saw u pass away. Although i loved u dearly, i could not make u stay. A goldenheart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best...

August 13 2011ok so howd i get thru july without a breakdown? y cant i just pretend ur very unbirthday isnt a cpl days away, y cant i just feel ok rite now, y cant i just have my daddy?! y is it that u havent met julia or seen what the nener became, or c how big kayla is or how grown up emma is. she told me she missed u the other day and i wanted 2 hold her and cry, but i know she doesnt understand death yet, and god forbid she ever has 2 feel it. y does all the excitement of my new house go away when i can never invision u walking thru those doors? y cant i share in my happiness? y cant my happiness b enough 2 make the pain go away? has it really been 2 years since i saw u smile? since i heard ur laugh or felt ur hug, is it wierd that i just wanna mell u? y did u have 2 fukk it all up and go away, didnt u ever think about us, it makes me so mad @ u that ud think we'd all b ok!! were not! yes life ...went on but the pain still hasnt gone away! i can go so long pretending im ok, and then something reminds me that u'll never b apart of all of this and reality sets in. life isnt fair, i get that but who knew life could b THIS unfair?! i miss ur stupid jerk face daddy ♥ and i will always b broken without u

February 21, 2010 at 1:54pmHi Daddy, I Miss u Always, I Miss Ur Voice And Ur Smart Ass Ways. 2day when bryan was leaving 4 new mexico again, the girls grabbed onto his legs and he was dragging them as he was walking, they never want him 2 go. when i saw that i remember doing that with u when u used to travel alot, all in all i was a daddys girl, i never wanted u 2 leave me, i always wanted to b by ur side. im glad i got the last year of ur life, im happy i had that time with u! that nite b4 u left i wanted to grab ur leg and beg u not to go, like i was a kid again. i never wanted u 2 leave us...leave me. i love u daddy

March 17, 2010 at 9:57pmHi daddy, i miss u so much..i dreamt of u last nite, the girls got 2 c u, kayla was beside herself 2 b with her BAGA again, u and her had a bond shes never had with ne1 else, u knew she was my bad girl but u loved her 4 it...LOL i miss u, we alll miss u. i love u so much daddy and i hope ur around watching the kids

March 20, 2010 at 1:33amHi daddy, i found out im prego, but i think u already knew that ;) i know ud b mad and so scared 4 me, but i promise daddy i will b ok. i left 2 go do some stuff 2day and the second i got into the car ur song started playin, i broke down, it just doesnt feel rite 4 u not 2 know that im living in az now, that nate just got his 1st but not last concusion, that ur baby is having another baby, nothing feels rite because i cant share it all with u. i miss u every second of everyday daddy...the only thing helping me rite now it the fact that ur holding this baby till its time 4 HIM 2 come into the world. i hope he looks like u, i miss ur face so much...i love u daddy

u know daddy sometimes i feel like being able 2 come here and write u is my sanity, normal ppl have graves 2 go 2 and sit and talk 2 them, i know ur not there but itd still b nice 2 know where u r. stupid things make me cry about u all the time, i broke down on mothers day, i just need u sometimes, life just feels like its never gonna go on without u... i watched a show 2day this women lost her m...other, she reminded me of me rite now, she had jumped into a pool and almost let herself drown but her hubby pulled her out and when they asked her y, she said "i just wanted 2 feel something again", i can relate, im just soooo angry, and sad and soooo hurt without u and ot feels like the world keeps spinning and going on but im still in ur room smelling ur clothes breaking down on ur bed, i want 2 feel ok again, i want 2 feel "normal" but i just cant get passed u not being apart of it.

August 15 20112marrow 2 years ago i lost a huge part of myself. how ive gotten this far is a mystery 2 me, because all ive wanted 2 do since then is just curl up in a ball and fade away with u. b-rewnie and the kids have been my light in all this darkness. u used 2 tell us girls that in the end all we will have left after u ad mama go away will b eachother, boy were u wrong daddy. i cant remember the last time i had a conversation with amy. the last time i felt like me and punky REALLY got along, or the last time i felt jen wasnt the enemy. what happened from 2 years ago 2 now........YOU. i suppose we all dealt with the grief differently. sum drink it away, some pretend it didnt happen, some break down in private and i stand alone with jane. we talk about u, even when it hurts so bad it feels like were never gonna be able 2 feel ok again. in the end of it all jane is all ive got left. i miss u, and then im so angry with u, i feel like HOW DARE u have left us, we still needed u, a girl always needs her daddy. it feel like whos gonna protect us now? whos gonna give us the words of wisdom we dont wanna hear but take into consideration.... y did u do this? every1 says ur <3 just stopped, i dont believe it, i know u took 2 many pills which ultimately made ur heart stop. i will never 4get the dream when u told me u od'd. 4 a long time i was angry with god 4 taking u, when in reality you chose 2 leave us. i dont think i will ever understand the y of it. i cant believe u will never know kiedis, gabe and juju. u will never get 2 see any of them grow up...after we lost u, we lost grandpa 2, but i dont think anything will ever hurt as bad as losing u, its like im numb 2 death now. 2marrows gonna b a busy day 4 me but dont 4 1 sec think u werent on my mind. i love u daddy, i miss u, come visit my dreams soon

1 comment:

There is so much love in these letters. Be rest assured that this life is just a transition to the next. We all pass on and when we accept the Lord into our hearts as our Christ and Savior we are promised a place with him in heaven. We can be reunited with our loved ones too. I can't imagine the pain of missing someone as loved as a parent.