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The chainsaw is a fun weapon to have in a horror movie. No need for explanation, so I’ll explain; the chainsaw is a moving blade that when it hits flesh (at least in a movie) it spins and sprays everybody within a hundred mile radius with the blood of the innocent. I blame Bruce Campbell for this… but let’s be honest; I can’t stay mad at him. Here are a few rules to dealing with the chainsaw.

Fairly self-explanatory… but I don’t have a lot going on.

If THEY have one:

3) You charge the dude- this is really fucking stupid, yet it happens in every movie with a chainsaw at least once! A chainsaw isn’t that effective a weapon, but if you give it all the power, say, running full speed towards it, you’re fucked. Stop that! You can’t juke a chainsaw!

2) Throw a stick at him – good idea to use a weapon with a trajectory, but the stick is the chainsaw’s natural prey. It’s like throwing a fish to a shark. I’d rather see you get creative and toss a grenade. That way you catch a chainsaw by its instinct! He’ll never see it coming!

1) You run for your goddamn life. A chainsaw is too heavy as a melee weapon and any fat bastard who gives chase will lose steam in no time. Cardio is the number one rule for Zombie land and it works for us too.

If YOU have one:

Chop wood- because that’s why one uses a chainsaw. Build a home. Habit for humanity, because I care.

Swingers- swing it like an asshole and tire yourself out. Seems to be the strategy for some, which isn’t to say it’s very effective. Let’s be honest, I don’t really want you to make it out of whatever you’re using a chainsaw for anyway.

Study BC Legend- Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness exemplifies one of the best usages of the chainsaw ever. Learn his tactics… the Bruce Campbell is slow, calculating and meticulous. Every move with a heavy ass chainsaw has to count.

Top Instructional Chainsaw Movies:

5) Evil Dead Remake – I can appreciate Mia (Jane Levy) shoving it down the demon’s throat… it would’ve been nice if she was forced to turn it on her own hand like BC Legend… but the legacy is a lot to live up to. You done good, kid.

2) Dawn of the Dead Remake– Nothing says proper chainsaw use then watching a poor skank being ripped in half because a dude slips in a moving vehicle. Plenty to learn from this: no using a chainsaw in anything that moves, pay attention when using a chainsaw… you get the point. Safety is the name of the game.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – obvious, of course, but it has to be at the top. It’s the movie that made the chainsaw so popular, so why not. The usage of the chainsaw is so abundant that you see how to and not to use it! Perfect instructional video… kudos.

Hard Ride to Hell… I gotta hand it to the directors or the writers, because it seems it would take a tremendous effort to ruin a movie about satanic bikers trying to impregnate sexy teens to create the antichrist or whatever the fuck they wanted. Kudos… I guess. I wanted to put up a picture of something memorable from the movie… but nothing came to mind. I guess I could’a snapped a pic of the five bucks I wasted, but that’s long gone. Instead, I chose to use an awesome photo of Katherine Isabelle, who is in the movie, unfortunately, and who I usually love. Who am I kidding! I can’t stay mad at you!

I could hold the day sacred and hope to never forget my mistake, but I know I will. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve watched more bad movies than good, but such is the duplicitous nature of one who uses Netflix and shops at the bargain bin at FYE. I think the one dude was a wrestler for a while… but I couldn’t remember his name… I wanted to check it on IMDB… but I was worried it would somehow help the already shitty rating for this movie. I blame FYE not having a copy of Ginger snaps, which is another movie with Katherine Isabelle that was much better. I’m not saying I’m gonna sue, I’m just saying I have a case.

Okay, so the bikers wanna impregnate these women to give birth to the antichrist or whatever. Respectable premise. It’s always in the execution that these movies fail miserably. There was nothing memorable to make this a cult classic; I didn’t need anything terribly disgusting, but at least an image that stuck in my mind. They use a chainsaw to hack off limbs and stab each other, but still nothing could stick. The story lost me, I got bored too easily. Slow pace for a satanic biker slasher. It was so slow, I worry that they planned it this way.

A couple questions I need answered? Who are these people that just allow others to bite them? If I feel somebody biting down I elbow them in their fuck-mouth face! I kinda wanna try, it looks so easy. Even weirder how Miguel Ferrer seems to talk like this is a redneck’s rewriting of Shakespeare. “To be or not to be… y’all!” I can’t fault the actors. They weren’t bad. Maybe I’m just jaded from all the deranged redneck movies I’ve seen. Weird that such a topic could become tedious. I think it means I’m growing as a person. Personal growth… good for me.

When one travels through the wasteland that the world has come to know as ‘The Netflix’ one makes the journey knowing all too well that his mind might escape, but it will be forever changed. Those who make it back are supposed to be responsible and not recommended a movie like ‘Human Centipede’, but some are so distorted by entering the rift their conscience is not worth its weight in gold. Rotten bastards. It is in respects to the dark lords… or corporations, which control the Netflix that I will recommend a few for a respectable viewer to either enter at his own risk or stay away from entirely.

There are a few movies I would like to point out that I have found on a few treks into the void for which I will never be the same. Now is your turn. Enter if you dare, just be sure to respect the will of the Netflix, say a prayer before your entry, so that the gods might hold a bit of pity. Good luck.

5) Stitches – A British horror/comedy about a clown that returns from the dead to exact his revenge. I warn you, what you see cannot be unseen. It was a good movie altogether, but the point is… your brain is going to be raped. You’ll never look at clowns the same that’s for sure… not that any one really likes clowns. It was a very inappropriate movie, which made it hilarious. It held back for nothing and wasn’t afraid to make its audience uncomfortable with horrifying deaths and utter irreverence. Good for you… kinda.

4) Contracted – About a girl out in the world who hooks up with a stranger one night and catches… something. I really don’t wanna talk about it, but I feel the world should know her story. Things start to rot on her… that is the only spoiler I will provide, and if you can make it without vomiting the rest of the movie is worth watching. It too was not afraid to make its audience disgusted or uncomfortable. I was more uncomfortable with why she didn’t go to the hospital MUCH sooner, but that’s me.

3) Antichrist – I could only make it half a minute through this one. It deserves a spoiler for explanation: penetration. Within the first minute a child is falling to his death in slow-mo and Willem Dafoe is ramming his wife… all slo-mo. Clearly, this is a movie… not for me.

2) Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead – What the fuck is wrong with the Japanese? If you can make it through the first two minutes, which is the opening credits, you’re a stronger man than I. I’m not sure what to say about this one, but if you enjoy puke and the undead and everything in between this movie will fill that dark hole festering in your soul. They’re not afraid to show a little Japanese ass here and there… though it’s normally accompanied by pooping or… other stuff. Just thought I’d throw that in there… in case anyone was interested.

1) A Darker Reality – have you ever thought to yourself that you REALLY wanted to see Daniel Baldwin choking himself with a noose while masturbating? If so, then this is your movie! It gets worse… much worse… it’s basically a movie of the worst imaginable jumble of sick shit. Truly, a darker reality. Baldwin plays a killer of the worst kind; he tortures his victims psychologically to make them into something… DARK. Boom… didn’t see that coming, did you? Well, then, you’re a sick fuck. I would’ve perhaps been able to enjoy this movie, though I felt like it was slow, despite the horrifying imagery and senseless morbidity. I felt like the ending was visible from five minutes into the movie and that always hurts me on the inside. The two detectives investigating Baldwin should’ve called me and I could’ve saved everyone a whole lot of trouble.

It seems more than apparent that Chtulu is responsible for the death of this shark, not to mention millions of other creatures that have gone unnamed until this moment. A nine foot shark being killed by a greater predator has to be a sign of the apocalypse! Well, if he is awake… I’m out. Probably better to just hand the planet over to the monkeys and depart for lands unknown… but wait!

We’re humans… we’ve been kickin’ ass on this planet for centuries! We’re not gonna let some superpredatorcrabmonsterfuck take our title away. Take a look at our track record

Humanity’s real secret weapon is to let everything die in order to make a point. We’re suicidal. Other creatures want to live, but humanity seems hellbent for death. Coincidentally enough, we’ve survived thousands of years inspite of ourselves! We’re winning! Nuclear standoff and fallout, world wars, collapse of civilizations and we’re still kickin’ ass!

Now, we can’t blame Jennifer Lawrence for a revolution in Thailand, just like we can’t blame a three-finger salute from a movie. However, there must be someone, something we can blame, for why these people think it’s right to defy authority! Has the fictional story of desperate kids fighting for their lives inspired these people or is it that whole freedom thing? The Junta should be terrified of this ‘Hunger Games’ salute, because it represents a clear break in the lines between reality and fiction.

The reality in Thailand is that a militaristic regime has taken power, but the citizens don’t accept this reality. They’d rather bask in an illusion created by a young-adult novel and raise three fingers in protest. Not only do they refuse to accept their reality, but they’ve come to choose another unremittingly powerful one, which is a hybrid utopia or dystopia maybe, where reality and fiction are one in the same.

After a few thousand years where civilized society has coexisted with our fictional realities of ‘Gilgamesh’, ‘The Ramayana’ and… ‘The Bible’… I’ll wait… the lines have become so completely blurred that the two realities have finally become one. The question we must ask is whether this has always been the way and our minds are finally willling, or able to perceive it or if this is a new world into which we are walking.

Civilized history has a nice, neat line that has followed throughout time… but still along those lines are a few bumps… herpes, if you will… that take away from reality. These are occurrences that could destroy the foundations of established religion, government and society as we’ve come to know them. If you accept that there is more to the story than history can provide you are accepting illusion. If you think history is the end-all of human civilization, then you are trapped in your reality.

Both can be a prison, but what happens if we accept both. Anything… anything can happen.

Every time I see a different picture of Alice she always appears like a pedophile’s wet dream.

I’ve learned so much, yet have come to no higher wisdom. After you study wisdom carefully, you start to suspect that it is a bottomless pit that pulls you in deeper. Gravity is working against you… you fall further into its pit of darkness. The gravity of wisdom is that of a black hole. You’ll be falling into its depths and for the eternity that it takes for you to disappear you will be falling out of control. When it comes to finding wisdom you’ll never have control.

Life is constantly making me rediscover my lack of understanding, but nothing will compare to my re-reading ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’, by Lewis Carroll. The book seems riddled with secret meanings; it could be one great big dream sequence… or just maybe Carroll was a massive pedophile of epic proportions. My interpretation is that Alice is ‘Anarchy’ and she rampages through Wonderland destroying the Monarchy.

There are a number of reasons I assume as such, but maybe I’m reading too far into what’s supposed to be a child’s book. Is it just a child’s story… or is it something more? If not, then I am seriously messed up in the head. Both clear possibilities.

There’s no wonder why guys like Mark David Chapman go out and shoot John Lennon because they think there is a secret message in ‘Catcher in the Rye’. Every detail is open to interpretation. The first thing you learn as a writer or really any person who wants to create, the creator is the least important part. Nobody cares what you think about what you created. You’ll die and your work will live on. Its message will live on forever, so it’s important that you never waste your creativity.

What you think it means is nothing compared to individual interpretation. People have their own minds and in this way your work evolves. It will take on new meanings, as the meaning that you might have had yesterday will mean nothing tomorrow. Even from the beginning, when you first started to write… chances are your work doesn’t mean the same thing. A creation starts to take its own form, especially if you give it the care it deserves. Take great care… the future depends on you. You don’t know it, until you start to gather the information through writing, but more than anything your creation needs you to nurture its creation.

In this way, you’re a mother and a midwife to your creation. Don’t drop it on its head. You won’t be able to protect it from lunatics that think you’re trying to upset the establishment or claiming women are from Mars or that the master race is beneath the earth! There is no hope for the future, but in keeping your work alive you have done your job as creator. Kinda gives you a deeper insight into God, don’t you think? If God created life and life is still alive… God deserves to be father of the year.

It’ll start with the crickets… and then it’ll come for us! Since the dawn of time, our peace with the crickets established society on shaky ground, but what will come of our sworn enemies when there are no more little cricket babies? That little bitch Jiminy Cricket was always trying to tell us what to do, and the entire time he had an STD. Disney was never one for a decent backstory… I’ll bet Jiminy was into chokin’ himself too the sick son of a bitch. But, seriously folks.. we gotta save the crickets. I know cancer sucks… but think of the cricket children!

Imagine a virus that makes you think you want to have sex! That pretty much sums up the human brain! If this makes the change from cricket to human, we are sooo fucked. A virus that only wants you to have sex so that your penis falls off… okay… we gotta get a damn cure fast. It’s only a matter of time before this virus makes the leap from cricket to man… I guess. Wait……. birds eat crickets…….. SUPERPENISEATINGBIRDFLUUUUU!!!

Humanity will be infected and it will be worse than the zombie apocalypse. In a world where penises rot off, one man will come to power. This is a world where those with penises seize control, while those who don’t hide in the shadows. They will be… mutant penis monsters! I’m sorry, is the plural of Penis ‘Peni’? Whatever. Anyway, I think Arnold Schwarzenegger could be in this one, but I think Michael Jai White has greater potential… dude’s jacked and he already used that ‘You diabolical dick-shrinkin’ motha fucka!’ in Black Dynamite. World War… no, it can’t be called that… it must be called…….. The Great Cricket Penis Insurrection. These are the times that try men’s souls.

Please folks, donate all you can to the Save the Cricket Peni Foundation. I’ll start that shit later, but for now SEND ME MONEY!!!!!