Hillbilly Vampire

Friday, June 29, 2012

Sunday, June 17, 2012

While getting jacked up on sugar, this face stares back at the child from the kitchen table. This trauma can spill over into daily life, so much so that the child goes to great lengths to avoid numerous situations with any remote possibility of encountering psychotic clowns.
[Post Cereal denies the use of either Classical or Operant Conditioning in its marketing]

Thursday, April 26, 2012

In a moment of absolute inspiration, Tonto Fielding decided to enter his prize tortoise, Zeno’s Paradox, in this year's Kentucky Derby, He is doing so with total confidence that it will not only advance thoroughbred Testudinidae racing, but will also attract venture capitalists. He can envision a whole new sport that the public will embrace, and a fortune to be made. Tonto, if asked, would also admit that this stunt is also a way for him to demonstrate that movement is impossible to define satisfactorily.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Once again Tonto Fielding found himself in the service of billionaire, Ewbank Manchip. Tonto had earned a reputation as an amateur sleuth, ever since he famously solved the “who stole the kishke,” case. Manchip was certain that his business and tennis doubles partner, Eduardo Boner, was out to exploit, harm, and deceive him, even though no evidence existed to support this expectation. After an initial inquiry, I assured Manchip that he was being hyper-vigilant for potential threats, and had to explain to him that his suspicious nature would elicit a hostile response from others at the club. People were starting to perceive him as hostile, stubborn, and sarcastic. That was why no one else would partner with him on the courts. He responded by indicating that this only served to confirm his original theory. I had to explain that another billionaire would have no need for stealing one of his slippers. “That ball at the net was Boner’s to take. Yet he let it drop only to spite me,” he said.

Tonto then believed that a rational discussion about paranoia was hopeless. He had to solve the crime. It wasn’t really that hard for a master sleuth. I only had to follow the trail, which led to an fiendishly adept thief named Spot.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Tonto Fielding has a new television reality show that he is pitching to several producers. In it, the members of the cast display an instinctive set of characteristics, not learned through written or spoken words, but instead, simply understood by all members of the group, who must follow these unspoken rules to be accepted and considered normal. Essentially they will interact under a mask of acceptable behavior with regards to the other members of the group with whom they choose to interact, respecting each other’s essential needs, wants, and desires. This will include safety, food, sleep and the emotions of love, pleasure, anger, and fear. The “hook” here, and what will differentiate it from other reality shows, is that the group will look for ways to fill each member’s essential needs. The better someone in the cast is at successfully interacting with others; the more likely he or she will be to have a large portion of their life and behavior influenced by the opinions of his peers. And then at the end of each show, the cast will have five minutes to verbally abuse, spit at, pull hair, punch, and claw each other.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Your sheet metal doth th’ impression fillWhich sanctioned sponsors stamped upon my bonnet;What cares Tonto for foreign cars,The horse is happy in my carburetor.You are my Daytona,My fruitful Dale,None else to me, nor I to none alive,Can take your place at the pole.In so profound abyss am I lapped,Of others’ voices in the pitstop.To suffer such outlandish abuse in switching lanesMark with my bumper I do dispense.You are so strongly in my engine block bred,No longer do I mourn, now the flag is raised.