On this show we interview important people who absolutely suck at being human, and then feed them to a hungry tiger solving two problems at the same time. Hey it's fiction so we can do crazy shit like that. Contains adult themes and animal tricks. Expect guest appearances by Diamond "the destroyer" Darkatana and her sister Fortran. Yeah you know where that one's headed. Get your freak on!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Jon Corzine is Fed to a Tiger

Announcer: She's big. She's bad. She's all over stripes and hungry enough to eat a cow! Please give a kind greeting to our resident goddess the tigress Kali, and her co-host ... Cougar! Here for ...Fed to a Tiger![applause][Cougar walks on with tigress Kali on a leash]Cougar: Hello everyone great to see you hello. Say hello to the nice people Kali. See that tail wave? She said hello. What a cat. What an animal. What a homicidal maniac.[laughter and applause]Cougar: We have a great show in store for everyone. You are simply going to love it. We have Kali right here and she is probably going to rip the lungs right out of our next guest. That okay with you?[sustained applause]Cougar: Great just great, I'll take that show of enthusiasm as a huge yes. Because you already know who's coming on, right? All together now ...Audience: The Honorable Jon Corzine!Cougar: He probably heard that! I really hope so. Okay send him in we've got a lot to talk about.[applause]Cougar: Welcome to the show Mr. Corzine. Have a seat. Welcome welcome. We're just soooopleased you agreed to come and be fed to a tiger.THJC: I'm sorry? I thought this was the Cramer show.Cougar: No sir it isn't. No Jim Cramer here although we have invited him to appear. THJC: No I'm certain they said I would be talking with Cramer.Cougar: I imagine your staff simply lied to you, sir. They must really hate the very essence of everything you stand for, because due to their treachery you will shortly be fed to this very tiger.THJC: That's bullshit.Cougar: Yeah treachery like that, total bullshit. What a world.THJC: No I mean feeding me to a tiger, that's bullshit. Not happening.Cougar: No? Oh okay, my bad. So will you instead talk to us about how it felt stealing all those billions in client funds during the MF Global meltdown?THJC: I'm not talking about that. Never happened. Nothing like that happened.Cougar: Fair enough. Let's see ... oh yeah congressional investigators found evidence that you knew about and approved the misuse of segregated client funds to pay off creditors like your good buddies at JP Morgan. You still want to claim it never happened?THJC: That never happened and Congress never made such a thing public. I think I'm leaving now.Cougar: Hold on a sec ... just wait ... this tiger knows two tricks sir. You really need to know what they are before you up and leave.THJC: What about it?Cougar: Anyone sits down in that exact chair where you are sitting ... right there ... and they they stand up it signals to Kali here that the show is over and she is supposed to eat you.

[applause] THJC: Bullshit. You can't threaten me.Cougar: Not a threat, just a fact of nature, and means you are not running anywhere. So let's relax and chat a bit shall we?[THJC sits back into chair]Cougar: Great. THJC: Who are all these people? Cougar: You mean the audience? Those are a selection from the people whose money you took to pay back JP Morgan as MF Global imploded. And some regulators, past colleagues. Random haters from your illustrious past. Go ahead and say hi.THJC: Who writes this bullshit for you? Or do you write it yourself? People lost their investment is all, then some of them got paid back anyway.Cougar: They didn't think they were investing in your company just so you could place bad bets on European bonds. They thought they were paying fees for a service.THJC: That's just how money works. Savings in the bank are handled exactly the same way.Cougar: True, that. Since the repeal of Glass-Steagall during the Clinton adminstration everything has become an investment. I guess anybody not really understanding that their money held by you is really your money to do with as you deem fit is just basically an idiot and screwed.THJC: It's all legal.Cougar: Meaning, you can get away with taking money from people?THJC: I don't have to answer that.Cougar: Nice! So tell us how does it feel to operate above the law?THJC: I don't have to answer anything. And get rid of the tiger. Now.Cougar: The tiger stays Mr. Corzine. I was reading recently where someone compared you to Jerry Sandusky, the Penn State football coach who made a career of ass-raping young boys. So long as he brought a winning season Jerry was also above the law. So do you think that is what America has become? A land of winning, just winning, always winning?

[applause] Cougar: No comment from the Honorable Corzine. Okay moving on while governor of New Jersey you put your lover on the state payroll. She was not qualified for the job she held other than being your undocumented fuck buddy. She never showed up for work either ... no I'm sorry that's not correct is it my bad... since her work was wrapping herself around your aging meatstick which we can assume she did perfectly well anywhere anytime. Any comment?

[applause]Cougar: Nope? Nothing? That's fine. So let's see ... oh yes you blew up MF Global making huge bets that your investment team said were a bad idea. You took a perfectly functional company providing useful services and against the advice of people who knew the business of MF Global placed outsized bets in dicey bonds and blew the company completely to rat shit ... for what we'd like to know. Because you might gain something at no personal risk? Or did you do it for the thrill maybe? What was your motivation Jon? Care to grant us some insights into the brilliant mind of the mighty Corzine?[ jeers and applause]THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: Or maybe it's less about brilliance and more about power. How about telling us how power works, sir. You think you have so much power you can blow anyone up you want, give us a glimpse how that works. We'd love to hear it.

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: All this later bullshit is an echo of the power you shifted while running Goldman Sachs, right? Buy anyone you want, ruin anyone cannot be bought. Politicians, regulators, state legislatures. Just kill them. Rip their faces off. Whatever works or feels good.

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: Get any law passed you need passed. Take any money you want, to place any bet you can think of, and if it blows up the taxpayers will bail your wobbly too-big-to-jail ass right out. Am I right?THJC: Fuck off.Cougar: Oh but at MF Global it was easier just to take deposits first and let the depositors sue for their losses. Piss always runs down hill, doesn't it?THJC: Fuck off.Cougar: But it's the end of all that now. Just the complete end of the road, I'm afraid. Nowhere to jump to now except right into the devouring fire we call Kali.THJC: Fuck off.Cougar: You're dead meat, Corzine. This tiger laying right on the floor at my feet is going to rip you to shreds. She's going to gut you. Strip the flesh from your corrupted bones. Drink your blood and devour your black heart. She's going to do all that because she's the handmaiden of death Jon and like death Kali cannot be bought. She isn't part of any thing you control now or ever.

THJC: Enjoying yourself?

Cougar: I am indeed as is everyone in the audience. As are the staff who betrayed you into coming here. As all are your cronies in Congress and the financial industries who are so sick of your random, stupid bullshit they are willing to overlook you being ripped to pieces and eaten by an animal. We're all going to watch Kali destroy you right off the edges of the map of all destruction.

THJC: You are fucking insane.

Cougar: Perhaps. But I can absolutely promise you one thing ... Kali is a maniac. Insane as the mirrored halls of Hell. Made completely of knives this cat is going to turn you inside out like a deep dish pizza, Jon. And after she's done eating you to the bone she's going to shit you all over her grotto. Piss and shit you in puddles and steaming piles with everyone on the planet Earth watching her do it live on web cam.

THJC: You won't get away with this.

Cougar: I certainly will. Oh and I mentioned Kali knows two tricks. I explained the first, that if you ever get up from that chair the interview is over and she rips you apart in under two seconds.

THJC: Yeah and what's the other trick? She rolls over or some stupid shit like that?

Cougar: No Jon. She does exactly the same thing on command.

[moment of suspenseful silence]

Cougar: Kali ... kill the mutherfucker!

[THJC leaps from chair with Kali in pursuit. Crash of furniture. Shouts and muffled screaming][thunderous applause]Cougar: He tried didn't he? Got maybe -- what, 10 feet? That level of effort might have worked with Congress and Federal regulators but it's just not quite quick enough to escape a tiger.[more crashing as Kali moves around the set][continued applause]Cougar: She's not a small animal, notice. Kali and I wrestle a bit when she's feeling frisky, I usually end up bruised all over.[polite laughter][Kali settles down and starts eating as applause trails off]Cougar: Finally! She might not be very hungry today, so soon after the last one. I was getting nervous she might want to play. Seems not thank you God.[laughter]Announcer: And that wraps it up for another edition of Fed to a Tiger. Tune in next time when we'll get a change to visit Mr. Corzine after he has been reduced to tiger excrement.Cougar: Mostly Jon Corzine! Kali is probably still processing some Paul Krugman today. Hey that's kinda neat, there could be some cat shit with both Paul and Jon! Some of of you might appreciate the special irony of that. Remind the audience how that works, Ben.Announcer: Everyone in the live audience for today's show will receive via postal carrier a genuine piece of Jon Corzine -- with possibly some Paul Krugman in the mix -- as freeze-dried excrement courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.Cougar: That's right the Honorable Jon Corzine realized as cat shit! I know -- huge improvement, right? It's not your lost money but wow what an ending for a slippery fucker like Corzine. Have him bronzed. Encase him in resin and then donate him to the charity raffle. Or feed him to the koi in the backyard pond! Use your imagination, he certainly used his.Announcer: And remember everyone, don't ever let yourself be ...Audience: Fed to a tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Kali's collar by Mauled of Chicago . Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole sociopath grifter is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host of course wish the real Mr. Jon Corzine good health and all the best in his future professional endeavors. However if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.

Would you like to have someone fed to a tiger? We're happy to take requests! Cat food should be well known, wealthy and/or influential, and lack all redeeming human qualities. Professional athletes, bankers, media personalities and politicians are all fair game.