CALIFORNIA SCREAMIN'

Suspicions confirmed

Michael P. Ackley has worked more than three decades as a journalist, the majority of that time at the Sacramento Union. His experience includes reporting, editing and writing commentary. He retired from teaching journalism for California State University at Hayward.

Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.

Your suspicions have been confirmed. Thanks to the “PJ Tatler,” we know that the U.S. Justice Department is heavily into the “hire the handicapped” mode, and those with “targeted disabilities” range from dwarves (really!) to the mentally deficient.

The Justice Department memorandum on the matter mandates the hiring of folks with “severe intellectual disability” as well as “psychiatric disability.” (Again: Really!)

We may only imagine Attorney General Eric Holder’s final interview with a candidate who has been thoroughly screened by Justice’s Human Resources Division.

Holder: It says here that you’re a dwarf. We have a shortage of dwarves. Heh heh. My little joke. Get it? My little joke. Ahem. So, you’re a dwarf?

Candidate: Yes, I’m a dwarf.

Holder: But you seem rather large. How tall are you.

Candidate: I’m 6’4″. That makes me a handicapped dwarf. Can’t get jobs in Hollywood as a “little person.”

Holder: Wow! A handicapped dwarf. That makes you at least a two-fer. You might say it gives you a leg up. Heh heh. Get it? A leg up.

Candidate: Got it – I think.

Holder: You think? It’s not that difficult a joke. Do you have some kind of severe intellectual disability?

Candidate: Well, my IQ is only 70.

Holder: Only 70! That’s pretty good, but you’d really have to be down around 50 to make the grade as a moron.

Candidate: I could work on it, Sir. Besides, 70 would make me pretty dumb for a lawyer.

Holder: You have a point there. Perhaps there are other, mitigating factors in your background.

Candidate: Well, I’m a certified paranoid schizophrenic. In fact, I had to get a pass from the sanatorium just to make it to this interview.

Holder: Why, that means you have a psychiatric disability! A real plus! Let’s add up your points – and remember, 300 is the threshold for hiring. Here we go: Dwarf, 100 points; handicapped dwarf, 100 points; intellectual disability, we can only give you 50 there; psychiatric disability, 100 points. Well, for heaven’s sake! By the way we calculate things here in the Justice Department, that’s nearly 500 points right there.

Candidate: Does this mean I get the job?!

Holder: You bet it does! I have the perfect place for somebody with your attributes. It’s a little project down in Arizona. We call it “Fast and Furious” …

San Francisco logic: Thanks to California state Sen. Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, we can understand that it is possible to be in violation of the law, but not a lawbreaker.

Leno, pushing for driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, piggybacked on President Obama’s executive order allowing certain illegal aliens to stay and work in the U.S.

He explained, “In the past, the argument against providing driver’s licenses has been that it would be rewarding someone who has broken the law. But now we’re talking about people who, by definition, have not broken any laws.”

In other words, illegal aliens whose parents broke the law in bringing them here, didn’t break the law themselves, although they are here illegally, so the president has given them legal rights, so they are no longer illegal, so …