I remember the first time I saw Glee back in 2009 like it was yesterday. It was on Star World Asia channel. I didn’t have much interest to keep watching, but I did force myself to be interested somehow, I don’t know why. Then I saw the bootlegged DVD and I thought it was a perfect way to catch up. It took me weeks to finally watch the first pilot episode due to lack of interest.

I was hooked instantly.

There was something about the show that made me happy, unlike other shows. The characters were quirky, fun, hilarious… the songs were catchy… and my love for Sue Sylvester’s hatred for Glee club and her clever insults.

I liked Finn. He came across as this soft, sweet, non-typical jock and naive looking. I was rooting for Rachel and Finn together. I was happy when they did, because it’s different. You don’t really see a jock or the school’s star quarterback who’s dating the captain of the cheerleader throwing away his popularity to be in a Glee club full of losers. That made me like the show.

Everything was about Glee back then.

After Cory’s death, I knew that the show would have lost its charm to me. It did mid season 3. I stopped watching then. Some of the characters were graduating and wouldn’t be in the school, and new characters would come in, it didn’t feel the same anymore. I couldn’t connect with the new cast. Things got complicated. I’ve been having a very hard time trying to yield the same level of interest and excitement as the 1st and 2nd season.

However, today, I decided to stay up to watch the special Glee The Quarterback Finn tribute episode on Fox US channel the same time as it airs in the states so I could grieve together with all the viewers. It was HEARTBREAKING. I wanted to write this as soon as it ended, but I was too sleepy and tired.

The episode shows the original characters that we know and love, paying tribute to Finn through songs. Cause of death was a blur, with Kurt saying:

‘”Everyone wants to talk about how he died too, but who cares? One moment in his whole life — I care more about how he lived.”

But for me, I would rather know why. It would give me some kind of closure. Maybe it will be revealed in later episodes? Who knows. But I don’t really like to be kept in the dark. It was a bit too sudden, like a huge plot hole that you would normally whine about if it wasn’t for the fact that we are dealing with the real sudden death of the actor who played Cory.

So we see how everyone handled his death. I really, really felt the sadness in Santana. She sang ‘If I die young’ by The Band Perry and broke down and ran out of the room in the middle of the song crying. Naya is a good singer but she NAILED that song. Seriously. If you listen to the whole song, it’s just too beautiful. I was sort of fine until I heard her sing. I was tearing up, and I would still do everytime I hear it.

The good thing is that despite all the mourning, the sadness, the crying, the writers managed to slip in some humor in so it lightened the depressing mood for a bit. Sue Sylvester was handling the death like she would, by being the cold-hearted bitch that she is and when Santana stood up to her, it was like damn. It was a happy moment.

Then Rachel appears.

Rachel didn’t appear until almost at the end, about 45 minutes into the episode. When she appeared, she sang ‘Make You Feel My Love‘. That was it. I broke down as well when she did. I seriously was bawling my eyes out. You could tell it was not only Rachel, it was the real Lea singing and shedding tears for Cory. Even though she didn’t have much screen time, but her short appearance made a huge impact. I felt the whole time it was also Lea crying about Cory. It was genuine and not part of acting, and that’s what made it so heartbreaking. The sadness and the tears from everyone else were real, and you could feel it.

There was also a part where Santana wanted Finn’s jacket back and that somebody stole it and everybody thought it was Puck. At the end it was revealed that it was actually Mr Schue. He’s been holding back since the beginning until at the very end when he has an emotional break down as well.

My emotion has already been fragile this past few days with so much shit happening to me, so this episode was bad for me. I just wished that Mr Schue also pays a singing tribute to Finn and that Quinn Fabray is included. I know Brittany didn’t appear due to the fact that in reality Heather was pregnant but why not Diana? The character Quinn was a huge part in Finn’s life before Rachel. She was Finn’s gf, and also pretended to be carrying Finn’s baby. So to not have her pay a tribute feels like something is missing. I also wished there was a montage of Finn with unseen footage at the end but it didn’t happen.

I would not be watching this episode again. Or maybe once more in HD since I was watching an average quality streaming TV online. It’s just too sad due to the fact that it feels we are mourning for Finn AND Cory. It wouldn’t be as heartbreaking if we just know only the character is killed off the show, or Cory died battling a sickness and we have time to prepare for it. It was the fact that he died so suddenly that makes everything just so hard to watch.

It was the night (morning for me) when we, the fans, mourn together with the characters, the cast and the crews.