Look at that face and tell me you have no desire to punch it on the nose? A man who has built his entire television persona on being the most dislikeable twat in England. A smarmy, poo faced, snot nosed, arse eared, public school product who would look so much better with a bus being driven into his face at speed. He has done more to endear Simon Cowell to the public by just sitting beside him on a Saturday and being himself. I hope for his sake I never pass him in the street, having had a drink, carrrying a heavy blunt object.

Dick

The slappable Michael McIntyre striking a pose here. It’s as if he’s inviting me to come and kick him hard, brutally and squarely in the nuts. A lot of us are familiar with the feeling of turning on the BBC to watch Mock the Week or Have I Got News For You and realising this squeaky, excitable prat is on. No matter what other guests are on, it could even be Jesus, the programme is ruined. I can’t wait to go to his funeral.

Gok Wan(ker)

I didn’t mind this fashion guru type creature, I was sure she knew her stuff and was helping out her (fat) sisters, then it came to my knowledge she was a he and I realised how much the world doesn’t need people like it.

Poncing around exploiting emotional needy women and teaching them “How to look good naked”. Bollocks. How about having your eyes plucked out and fed to a stray dog “How to not look at all because some mad Irishman has defaced me”.