Tuesday, July 17, 2018

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (Babylon Bee) — In a joyful ceremony, Christian leaders gathered to grant Jordan Peterson the status of honorary Christian. Though the Canadian professor has never identified as a Christian and does not attend any church, a vote was taken and the decision was made unanimously that Peterson had earned his salvation and could be drafted into heaven by popular vote.

“Most people are saved by grace,” said one of the pastors who presented the award, “Jordan Peterson isn’t most people.”

Though Peterson holds a number of highly controversial views such as that most societal problems are really complicated, men shouldn’t be deadbeats, speech should be free, and that becoming dogmatically ideological stunts intellectual and moral growth, the Christian leaders decided to overlook these grievous sins and still honor him with the award.

Peterson was given a medallion as one of the coordinating pastors led a prayer asking that God grant Peterson salvation through the prayers of those present, whether or not Peterson himself had actually accepted Christ or believed in God. “What do you mean by God?” Peterson asked in the middle of the prayer. “It’s an attempt to box me in, man. I don’t like that.” Peterson’s comments went unaddressed as the prayer continued for his honorary redemption. “Well that’s a thing to pray,” Peterson said. Still he was ignored.

Many went forward to cite the reasons they believed Peterson deserved to be made an honorary Christian. “He’s read and studied more of the Bible than 90% of actual believers,” said one speaker. “He’s given numerous lectures that are straight out of Scripture,” said another, citing the fact that many pastors can’t even pull that off. A number of male youth pastors said they particularly liked that he advocated forcing single women to marry undesirable men, but then were corrected by Peterson himself. “I never said that, man. Get your facts straight.” Other reasons given were that he only uses PG swears, he eats a lot of bacon, and he has “triggered more snowflakes” and been called a far-right Christian hatemonger more times than most Christians will in several lifetimes.

“He’s bolder about his faith than most of us who profess to believe,” the closing speaker said. “To me, this was a no-brainer.”

Peterson was offered communion, then was asked, “So what you’re saying is… by eating of this table you accept the atoning sacrifice and God’s gift of salvation?” Peterson responded, “I didn’t say that, man. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

When asked how Peterson felt about being the first man in history to receive salvation against his will he replied with a long, tortured silence. “That’s a big question, man. It could take years to unpack that,” he finally replied. At publishing time, Peterson still had not responded.

"The World is trying the experiment of attempting to form a civilized but non-Christian mentality. The experiment will fail; but we must be very patient in awaiting its collapse; meanwhile redeeming the time: so that the Faith may be preserved alive through the dark ages before us; to renew and rebuild civilization, and save the World from suicide."