August 31, 2006

The End is Near

They say blogging means you never run out of things to say.

I have shared a lot about X10 in these columns over the past few months.

You’ve met the “Big Guy,” who runs this place, a guy with a big heart and a softness for bandits. He is so proud of X10 technology that he want to give it all away. He hopes that ultimately everyone will be so happy with X10 products that each X10 product will serve as a world standard in its many product categories.

August 29, 2006

The Calm Before the Storm

As still another major hurricane threatens New Orleans, just one year after Katrina, the Army Corps of Engineers and FEMA say they are prepared for anything.

Government contractors say they have nearly completed the installation of a top-of-the-line X10 Sentinel camera on the New Orleans levee system. In addition to the camera, the corps will install as many as three motion sensors. “This way we won’t have to wait for the media to tell us if the levee breaks next time,” an engineer remarked. “We’ll be able to tell right away when it’s time to rev up the engines on our getaway plane.”

August 28, 2006

Keeping Cool With Ernesto

Ernesto Chavez was overjoyed. His name would go up in lights on highway warning signs; it would headline the evening news and be the subject of lots of David Letterman jokes.

No longer would the world pay its respect to that angry lady, Katrina.

Right now, today, his very own hurricane was headed for his native home in Cuba. Ernesto would be looked upon as a powerful force, winds faster than an American government excuse, able to fell tall buildings in a single exhale, and fighting for truth, justice and a FEMA debit card. Ernesto knew his name would soon replace Katrina’s in the American lexicon.

August 25, 2006

Jesus Braves Hurricane Season, Lens Cap

As the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina’s vicious assault on the Mississippi Gulf Coast approaches, a Bay St. Louis man has caught the figure of Jesus on his brand new X10 Sentinel Camera.

Clyde “Johnnyboy” Darimple lives just a block away from St. Rose de Lima Catholic Church in Bay St. Louis, which was spared from the worst of the killer storm that sent ante bellum homes, City Hall and even the local Wal-Mart into a pile of debris. A year later, there is still extensive damage everywhere you look – except of course in the lens of Darimple’s surveillance camera. “It’s clearly Jesus,” Darimple told a Florida-based tabloid.

August 24, 2006

Uncle Albert Should Have Stayed in Vegas Too

Uncle Albert always bragged about being a “lucky” guy. He trusted anyone and everyone; he was always talking to strangers and turning them into friends. He was always giving away his property, and getting new stuff. “Hey, there’s nothing attached to me except for my heart!”

Uncle Albert’s heart seemed to be nearly broken when I visited him the day after his annual vacation. “Everything I did in Las Vegas stayed in Las Vegas,” he said, trying to find some cheer. “Everything I left at home must be staying in Las Vegas too.”

In the living room, where a giant high-definition plasma television had been hanging on the wall, only a large hole in the wall remained. His entire DVD collection – including the entire Three Stooges collector’s edition – was nowhere to be seen. Even the easy chair, in which he sat night after night, was now just a stain on the carpet. It was as if someone had pulled a large moving van up to the house and helped themselves to everything in the house. “They didn’t even leave me a remote!” he said, as if the remote could magically make everything re-appear.

Everyday he would go into the neighbor’s yard and feed their guard dog some extra biscuits. Tonight, the biscuits were gone, and the dog was still expecting a reward for a “heckuva job.”

August 23, 2006

Furry Bandits Leave 'Em Screaming

They are an entirely new generation of terrorists, these young, fur-wearing bullies cruising down the back woods without a care in the world. They are committed omnivores, leaving no vegetable or animal untouched.

Their faces look much like the midnight bandit that has terrorized Kent, Washington in recent weeks. Yet these are no compassionate bandits, they have been known to leave even human blood in their wake. Just 50 miles from X10 headquarters, in the capitol of the state of Washington, women scream at night, it is no longer safe for them to walk with their pets.

One might think that this close to X10, someone might have set up motion sensors, surveillance cameras or at least a machine that goes “ping,” somewhere in the path of thse night stalkers. Yet, they continue to roam without interdiction, leaving only garbage cans and dead pets in their wake.

August 22, 2006

Enforcing Limited Privacy

Anyone who has been on an airplane lately can tell there are far more serious security problems on board than “Snakes on a Plane.”

Hollywood has missed out on the greatest possibility yet for drama, and insecurity building on a long, cross-country flight. Fortunately, a group of independent producers using X10 Vanguard cameras have proposed a new revenue-generating proposal in front of Transportation Safety Administration personnel that could totally redirect the way Americans tolerate long-distance flights.

With women now unable to use makeup or hand-lotion onboard, there is really not much need for bathroom trips during a flight, short of a call from nature. Suspicious characters who spend untold time in the cramped lavatory continue to rouse reservations if they take more than their allotted number of minutes. Modest individuals might even risk constipation if they fear that what happens on an airplane lavatory doesn’t stay in the lavatory.

August 21, 2006

An Olympic Challenge

The junior Olympian was ready to make her splash in the diving event. Cherie, in her pink one-piece suit carried the flag of Confederation Helvetia, sometimes known as Switzerland. The Swiss National Anthem was played in the background.

When the morning skies grow red,
and over us their radiance shed
Thou, O Lord, appeareth in their light
when the alps glow bright with splendor,
pray to God, to Him surrender
for you feel and understand
that He dwelleth in this land

August 18, 2006

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About X10 -- Wiki, Wiki

Yes, those Hawaiian shirts being sported around Kent, Washington these days are no accident. (OK, the brown splotches on the blue background worn by the Big Guy IS an accident…) There’s a tropical paradise en route to X10 headquarters in the form of a Wiki. Chances are you’ll probably go there, Wiki, Wiki, as the Hawaiians say.

August 17, 2006

Taking Charity to the Next Level

It was just a couple of months before Election Day, and the party boss couldn’t believe what he was seeing. The distinguished Congressman Hans Im Deeppocket, a good Christian soldier with all the obligatory values – honesty, charity and follow the leader – had been caught stealing cash on an X10 surveillance camera at the Orphans for Freedom headquarters.

August 16, 2006

We Are F-A-M-I-L-Y!

Michael Mallari, X10’s Community Director, is doing everything possible to build a genuine X10 community on these pages, and he’s asked for suggestions on how to bring us all together on the same page. Since I come from a small community in Northern New England, I go back to the good old days when communities formed underneath a town bandstand – complete with brass bands and three-month-old Girl Scout cookies.

Of course, I understand that X10 is kind of like Slash/Dot on steroids – everyone here was born with a “Start” button on their left hand and their first baby words were “abort, retry, or ignore?” Let’s face it, we’re all a bunch of nerds who would rather run wires into the basement on a beautiful summer day than perform in a swimming, running, rock-climbing triathlon. (OK, maybe that’s just me?)

August 15, 2006

Dreams of a Super-Detective

Billy Bob Jensen adjusted the aluminum foil on his protective cap. He never expected that he would see what he was seeing. His lifelong challenge to be a first-class detective was about to win him a spot in the history books. It was hard enough to dim his enthusiasm as he watched the action next door on his X10 video sender.

This would make up for all the times the boys teased him in junior high. This would make up for the time that his girlfriend, Gertrude left him for a “much cuddlier” Shar-Pei. This would make up for his failing to get into Police Academy. After all, the movie had been R-rated, and he was not yet 17.

August 11, 2006

Opportunity Knocks.

Leave it to X10 to ring your chimes! Wirelessly!

If you’re like me, sometimes opportunity knocks at the wrong time. It has been very tough for me to answer the door, ever since I had to fire the butler – when he insisted that he only worked for money, not the prestige of working for me…

August 04, 2006

Big Guy Goes for Broke

It was good to see the Big Guy back in his office, after he had taken his first relaxing vacation. I had hoped to be invited to his usual post-vacation dinner (which takes place every other decade whether the big guy goes on vacation or not). I was looking forward to seeing the interesting photographs the Big Guy always took. You just haven’t lived until you’ve seen concrete sidewalks and pavements all over the world given the Big Guy treatment.

August 03, 2006

No Wonder the Boss Never Takes A Vacation!

If you think X10 rocks when the Big Guy is off for a “wacky weekend,” you should see it when the number one guy takes off on a vacation.

I could tell something was different when I arrived at the headquarters building. The parking lot was more occupied than I had ever seen it before. The Big Guy must have hired a lot more young helpers before he left – many of them quite attractive women. While there has never been a dress code at X10 in my memory, I think these women might be stretching state law in the limited amount of clothing they were wearing. This wasn’t even a very warm summer day.

August 02, 2006

Out of This Place — At Warp Speed

Star Date, August 2, 2006.

Armageddon is approaching, and I fear that not even my X10 Home Security System will protect me from the trial of fire about to overcome Earth. Since my naughty ways have not qualified me for a role in the rapture, I feel my only wise move is to enter the starship at Quantum speed to go where no middle-aged female has gone before.

July 31, 2006

Time to "Strategerize" About "Wacky" Prices

Another “Wacky Weekend” at X10 has left the Big Guy in a bad mood. It’s not that the Big Guy isn’t charitable – ask any of his employees who received a bite-size Halloween candy bar as a Christmas bonus last year – but selling products at ridiculous prices has taken its toll.

Imagine a decorator XCam for $19.99. Imagine a Video Sender for $34.99. Imagine a 2-camera spycam for $39.99 and a single spy cam for just $19.99!

You obviously have imagined, because these products are selling like mosquito repellent on the Gulf Coast. The stuff is moving by the truckload. Sales have never been as fun!

July 28, 2006

Pass Go and Show Me the Money!

Monopoly money will no longer be the coin of the realm – at least in England, for now. Hasbro Inc, the makers of the classic Monopoly board game will try a new version – Monopoly Here and Now – that comes with its own debit card and a scanner to add up or decline fortunes. The new version of the game that has been played for seven decades by millions of people will feature modern game pieces (such as a cell phone) and reflect “new realities” in property taxes.

July 27, 2006

If a Souffle Falls at the Fair, Can Anyone Sense It?

As the second half of summer approached, Aunt Irene was scanning the stores for fresh cherries, peaches, apricots and even rutabaga. It’s that wonderful time when her kitchen smells like a candle store just before Christmas. Irene was one hell of a cook, and a very talented pastry chef.

The medallions on the wall from every nearby country fair proved her value. She had more blue ribbons than a presidential commission. She had swept away every baking prize ever created by county and state fairs. She had been awarded ribbons for all of her pies, her cakes, and probably could have won with a pie made from shaving cream – her reputation was that great.

July 25, 2006

All Hat, No Cattle

Ferdinand, my eight-month old, is literally at the brim of a life of crime. Any day now, I expect the juvenile authorities to be at my door and take Ferdinand off in handcuffs.

For some reason, Ferdinand has developed a deep affection for hats. Not just any hat, but big, tightly laced straw hats that keep out the summer sun. I can understand Ferdinand wanting to protect himself from the summer sun. After all, this orange tabby has a thick coat of hair that probably adds twenty degrees to the outdoor temperature.

July 24, 2006

Mississippi Imaginations Burning

In all of the tragic news surrounding Hurricane Katrina last summer, there was little notice that my Uncle Bubba lost his frozen custard stand. The stand had survived Hurricane Camille in 1969, and kept both locals and tourists through Waveland, Mississippi, cooled off on a typical spring and summer day. Now, the custard stand was no longer frozen in place, and its remains landed somewhere near Gulfport.

Uncle Bubba was luckier than most, his house survived Katrina, in fact his property value improved when the vestiges of some very expensive waterfront homes landed in his backyard. Among the debris was evidence of what might have been a big-screen television set and an X10 Video sender. While the big-screen TV had met its makers, there were signs that the video-sender still had life.

July 21, 2006

I'm Ready for My Closeup, Mr. X10

America is on fire…

A heat wave from coast to coast is sending half of America into shopping malls and other air conditioned public areas, while the other half sips mint juleps by the swimming pool. An egg is frying from my nose, I have removed every bit of clothing the law allows.

July 20, 2006

Keeping an Eye on the Neighbors

Ours was always an intimate community. We usually knew what just about everybody was up to – or down to. We held each others secrets and each others valuables. Neighborhood watch was not only a duty, but a commitment.

That’s why we were just a little surprised to see a squad of SWAT team units surround Harry’s house down the street. I couldn’t believe it when a policeman told us he was wanted for a series of bank robberies!

July 19, 2006

The President is All Hands

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has put in an emergency order at X10 for a motion detector to intuit any future approaches by an American president. The custom motion detector will sense the aroma of barbecued pig, executive Blackberries or pomposity.

If it detects a target presence, the motion detector will automatically light up floodlights in the German Bundestaag, where a team of lawyers is prepared to give Merkel “deliverance” from the American misogynist within a flash of paparazzi lights.

July 17, 2006

Digging Down to the Bare Bones

Customers are starting to line up at the call center as if it were the Friday after Thanksgiving at the dearly departed Filene’s Bargain Basement in Boston. Ordinarily nice people who would ordinarily use the proper “please” and “thank you,” are stomping over each other to bid on the electronic necessities of electronic life. “Gimme that video sender you #@%^ Jezebel,” or other discouraging words are now so often heard.

July 14, 2006

Focus on the Family

It’s a good thing Uncle Siegfried didn’t live to see the new generation of X10 Sentinel cameras. His talents in cinematography might have created a national scandal with the kind of zoom quality on the newest X10 technology.

July 13, 2006

A Pedestrian Encounter of the Fraudulent Kind

It was a beautiful day in La-La land, (as usual) and I was walking down Wilshire Blvd breaking every law ever written in Southern California. Walking is punishable by certain death at the hand of millions of unskilled motorists, or if you survive, immediate exile to Dubuque, Iowa.

But I needed some exercise on this working vacation to the land of bountiful abs. If I wanted to go shoulder to shoulder with the stars I needed some new frocks – not to mention some plastic surgery and a very tight corset.

July 12, 2006

One Enchanted Evening... There Were Mushrooms

Now it can be told. X10 headquarters recently served as the West Coast clinical trial for the John Hopkins University study of magic mushrooms. The study released this week in Psychopharmacology was conducted in both Baltimore, Maryland and Kent. There was no general knowledge of the participation among most X10 employees, as the study concentrated on a small segment of the marketing department.

July 11, 2006

Is the Midnight Bandit in Custody?

X10’s notorious midnight bandit may be in custody on the East Coast!

Executives and security officials at the Kent, Warehouse are traveling to Kentucky and Ohio this week to question two potential suspects in the recent rash of “midnight bandit” attacks at the Kent, Washington warehouse.

July 10, 2006

A Wacky Weekend at the Porcelain Throne

It was pretty obvious Monday morning that there had been still another “wacky weekend” at the X10 headquarters in Kent, Washington. Some personnel were still worshipping the Porcelain Throne as they contemplated a weekend in which they gave chase to the Midnight Bandit.

July 06, 2006

North Korean Fireworks Traced to North Carolina?

Agents from the Department of Homeland Security were questioning a North Carolina parent Wednesday, after it was discovered that a middle-school student had been chatting on My Space with an account registered to North Korean President Kim Jong-il.

June 30, 2006

Getting to Know Me — Too Well

One of the great things about being a stand-up comedian is that after a while you start attracting fans.

I’ve been at this for just a couple of years, so I’m no Rosie O’Donnell. But I’ve started accumulating groupies that hang out at the comedy club pretty regularly. If I buy them enough drinks, they’ll even say I’m a decent comedian. If I buy them dinner, they’ll compare me to Ellen Degeneres. If I buy both drinks and dinner, they’ll compare me to Jack Benny. (Which of course is ironic, since Jack Benny had a reputation for being cheap – not to mention being a man).

June 22, 2006

A Chip Off Hubby's Block?

Last week, Robocop, our Rottweiler - Chihuahua mix puppy strayed from the house on a typical, cold, rainy, Seattle summer night. He apparently had found love in the wrong neighborhood, as the owner of the Westminster champion poodle he was pursuing let us know. Robocop had a microchip that permitted a local vet to pin down his family – if not Robocop himself.

June 20, 2006

Your letters continued...

My girlfriend is very hot, and Hollywood apparently knows it. Just last week she won the opportunity to get on one of those “bachelor” reality shows. She was all excited about the opportunity to not only win a million dollars, but be matched up with one of those hunk bachelors that could afford to buy an X10-driven dream house with all sorts of electronics. She says even if she has to marry one of those hunk millionaires, she will still maintain our relationship on the side. But, just yesterday I learned that the hunk bachelors she will choose from are O. J. Simpson and Robert Blake.

June 19, 2006

The XActly mailbox is starting to fill up with interesting questions from our wide readership throughout the X10 community. Before you decide to storm my office overlooking the local waste dump, perhaps I should answer some of your tough questions:

June 16, 2006

Father Really Does Know Best!

I guess Dad is going to get a tie again.

It’s not that I lack creativity in my Father’s Day shopping. I had made plans several months ago when I got a call from the local ferry system that Dad had decided to go skinny dipping in the Bay during one of the ferry’s commuter runs into the city.

Remembering Dear Old Dad – Electronically

June 14, 2006

Whoever You Want — Lola Projects Herself

Yesterday, I disclosed plans for the new Active Home 2007 credit card-sized remote. Before the X10 authorities and their bombers explode my Internet connection, I also want to reveal another forthcoming X10 electronics gadget

June 09, 2006

I Want to Thank X10 for Making This Oscar Possible...

X10 sells a lot of surveillance cameras, primarily to help keep visitors to your home from looking into your medicine cabinet to see if you suffer from erectile dysfunction. Of course, it also keeps them from stealing the family jewels.

June 08, 2006

Buy Something or the Puppy Dies

As we enter the second week of this blog, I should make a disclosure here. This comedy stage that X10 has provided for me sometimes contains discreet product placements that from time to time make it possible for the company to quietly market its incredible electronics. (Why are you wasting time reading this when you could be pressing the buttons on your Action Home remote?)

June 07, 2006

Stop Your Marriage from Being Gay

Congress apparently is in an ugly mood these days. There is a movement in the works that would create a constitutional amendment to block gay marriages. This is somewhat sad, since according to statistics, most US marriages are depressing, not gay. Apparently, Congress is very unhappy with its own marriages, and is now determined to put an end to any trace of a “gay” or “happy” marriage. “We owe it to the children,” a “family values” senator repeated as he stepped out from his favorite watering hole.

June 05, 2006

Protect Yourself from Carnivorous Reptiles — and Alligators

White women are being eaten by alligators in Florida. Pat Robertson says there is a tsunami on the way to the Pacific Northwest this year. The West Wing and Commander-in-chief have been cancelled, while George W. Bush reportedly still has more than two years left on his contract.

June 01, 2006

Introducing Barbara Sehr...

Welcome to the X-10 Community.

The organizers of this page originally planned to offer this space to someone more dignified, knowledgeable, and charming. The call went out to Alistair Cooke, the voice of Masterpiece Theatre on PBS. However, after careful inspection, it was discovered that Mr. Cooke was dead.