http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
CNN was offered the chance to pose six questions to bin Laden. It
would have the news value of asking Hitler for a Yom Kippur message - but
heck, why not. Let the Evil One dig his grave a bit deeper. The trick, of
course, is to formulate the questions correctly, and here's where we need
to heed the legends of the genie. He would grant any wish, but find a twist
that turned it against you. Should you ask for riches beyond compare, you
shall have them - but you will be locked in a cave for all eternity! If you
want a thousand willing concubines, you shall have them -but each comes with
a list of household chores, and it shall be Sunday afternoon for all
eternity! And so forth. In this genie-confounding spirit, then, six
carefully calibrated questions for bin Laden. Roll tape:

1. Adbusters, that pesky syndicate of snarky anticonsumerism, have
called for Americans to buy nothing the day after Thanksgiving. Nevermind
the impact on low-income people who rely on service and retail sector jobs.
Adbusters believe that we would not only be better off by giving loved ones
bags of acorns and artfully arranged bundles of old newspapers - and not
just because it would counter the horrid tide of materialism. Said their
executive director, "American overconsumption is part of the problem why the
Islamic word hates us so much."

Question to bin Laden: if Americans had purchased 17% fewer TVs,
confined our sweater purchases solely to replentishing the one that
unravelled, bought eau de toilette instead of perfume, and just stopped the
whole DVD revolution cold now, would you have just destroyed one tower and
left it at that?

2. Your view of the world holds women as subhuman vessels of filth and
sin. You put them in sacks behind painted windows, stone them for adultery,
and beat them if they whistle. Your reasons, of course, are well stated; you
condemn them to fear, ignorance, and isolation punctuated by rape because
you respect them. One might suggest that your millions had been better spent
purchasing therapy sessions for you and your gynophobic associatates; one
might speculate that you guys marry so many times because you're convinced
you'll find one who has teeth down there, proving your worst suspicions.
But here's our question: if your mother was taken to your sports stadium in
Kabul and executed for having her ankles bared, would you lead the cheers or
just nod your head in approval?

3. As you might have heard, Sen. Hillary Clinton was booed by firemen and
police officers when she made a recent appearance in New York. An aide
reportedly said "These are cops and firemen who listen to right-wing talk
radio. They still think she killed Vince Foster." Of course, it's quite
possible that the audience was expressing a reaction to an administration
that left the nation naked for just your sort of mischief. They might have
been booing an administration whose leader would have given you a photo op
if you'd contributed enough money to his campaign or brought along a doxy or
two. Perhaps not. In any case, here's our question: who do you think killed
Vince Foster?

4. You believe that killing the children of infidels is G-d's will, and
should cause great rejoicing. Yet you support Saddam, who sacrifices
Muslim children to maintain his hold on power, starves Muslim children to
devote resources to the military, and gasses Muslim children when their
parents oppose his rule. Question: when you're both in hell, who gets the
top bunk - you or Saddam?

5. Paper or plastic? Specifically, which do you want your head to be
brought to Washington in?

6. The United States has dropped over 600,000 meals on starving Afghans;
since this is 599,999 more meals than you have provided, it's clear that you
would rather bring ruin, death and starvation down on helpless people rather
than use your money to help them. Does not a just and loving G-d judge what
we fail to do to help His creations whenever we can?

Bin Laden's Answers:

1. No.
2. Merely nod head.
3. The Mossad.
4. Me, because I am closer to G-d.
5. Either, as long as neither has been touched by women.

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