Hi! I haven’t seen you on line for ages. How are you, baby? I miss you.

Oh hi, really? You actually miss me?

Yeah sure.

Bla bla bla ….

Another satisfying night on line? Not quite.

How could you actually miss someone that you never even meet and do not really had a truly meaningful conversation with? After all the small talks about nothing within a specific soul connecting topic, nothing in the level of sharing life stories, just mindless chatting about superficial mundane subjects, could you actually really miss the person? Or, is it just the matter of seeing a person that you had conversation with, any type of conversation with, on line? Knowing that if you are bored from surfing the net and hoping to find other more interesting on-liners, at least you have someone to type words to? Moreover, what is it about “baby” or “sweetie” or “honey” as a substitute greeting, as name is forgettable and difficult to keep track of? Unimportant, insignificant, like the person on the other side of the screen? Honey, you sure look beautiful! Maybe, miss, is actually a word been abused here. Do you miss snow, for example? You have seen the pictures, know about the funs associated with it, a bit history of the formation, very interested to see it with your own eyes one of these days, but you have been living in a tropical country most of your life? Possible? Maybe. Funny, I miss fondue, but seen it and taste it before. The same? Maybe.

What a small world indeed! True. Find your perfect match. Chat with anyone from all over the world. Your soul mate is out there. Be a premium member, post your picture(s); increase your chance to be noticed.

Do I really want to chat with people all over the world to find a soul mate? Increase my chance to be noticed? Therefore, what then? Happily ever after? Do I need the emotional rush every time that virtual kiss from a good looking opposite sex waiting inbox? You got mail! Do I need that slight disappointment which only has a few days life span when emails or that yellow smiley face next to the name always seem to be in white? Why do I even bother? Why do I seek someone “real” on internet? Hello!?! Anyone? Brain left and grey substance stay at home? Anything more virtual than this? Star Trek – the next voyage.

Someone “real”, that’s actually a strange definition. Real in personality or real in flesh and blood? Those are the two things that could not be sent down the telephone line, could they? Someone to share thoughts with. The other person does not even have the chance to see how you really perform in daily basis. They could not find out if you are a loser in life. Or that time when you lost your cool and scream bloody murder. Or that you bloated like a blow fish in the name of stress and loneliness. Or that you burp or fart like everyone else, considering when it does happened in the privacy of your solitary confine it is human but when in public is a no no?

How could someone be “real” without entering your daily life? How can someone could be considered as your lifeline when you talk about the experience of sinking a week after you drown? How could someone ever actually give an objective opinion when things happen around you in a very complex tenure, which puzzled even yourself as the actor? The other person could always be there for you if you need someone to talk to, yes true, if the other person has a life worth living, glued to the screen always, it is not actually a good indication of one’s life quality, isn’t it?

The leap of technology. It’s a small world after all. The ultimate connection of all the lonely people all over the world. In the name of hope, fun, passing the time, widen ones social horizon, all boil down to one single thing, companion. The craving need to fill that empty space that “real” daily life could not provide.

Ting!

Hi this is Matt from Alaska, single, 40, glad I find you on line. I saw your profile and would really like to get to know you more. Do you have time to talk?

Hi Matt, sure.

So how are you? I see that you into old jazz songs, me too. Which one is your old time favorite?

Moonlight in Vermont. Yours?

Really? What a coincidence, mine too. Have you ever listen to the BB King’s version of it?

YES!!!! Nicely done with blues rhythm. Can’t believe you like that song too.

Bla bla bla

(3 hours later)

It’s been really nice talking to you. I hope we could do this sometime soon.

Ditto, Matt. Can’t believe we have been chatting for more than 3 hours.

Yes, time fly when you are having fun, right. You should get some sleep. It must be about 3 am there.

You’ve been updating the international time zone for my part of the world I see : )

That’s why I want you to get some zzzzz….. It’s very late there. I’m glad that I caught you on line.

Me too. What time is it there?

Around 10 AM, Saturday morning.

Oh, you wake up very early on a Saturday. Daily habit?

The truth? I was awake too early on weekend and couldn’t get back to bed. So I thought that I log on to see if you are on line. And, what do you know. You are!

(Thinking … this guy is too good to be true, spooky ……… no wild Friday night with a hangover type too) Well, I’m glad that you didn’t decide to try harder to doze off again.

Yes, “what a difference a day makes” surely has a new meaning to me today

Natalie Cole’s version hhahhah (smiling from ear to ear)

(30 minutes phase of goodbye later)

So I see you next Saturday same time same place then.

I like that.

Sweet dreams, I’ll email you during the week.

Bye Matt, have a relaxing day and take care.

Nite nite Sarah, you take care too and I’ll see you in a while.

Still smiling from ear to ear. Logging off and shutting down windows. See you in a while? Eh, hold on. It’s just a matter of speech. There’s surely nothing to it. On line friendship, ok that’s not something that is too much to ask. “Real” companionship? Relationship? Marking a family tree together? Adding another surname behind my own? That’s absolutely ha ha. Different time zone, different sphere of the planet, different culture, different language – just imagine mom, she will be an all smiley face in-law with exotic foods on the table and never be a shopping partner to the in-law. Do I really want this mix? Why am I even thinking about this possibility? This is surely not a possibility anyhow. Give this Matt chap and me a few weeks. Then it’s only gonna be me and this “Mad” guy that I use to chat with. Hallelujah. God have mercy!

Can’t believe I have been in a relationship with another “false attempter” that life got to offer. They are just a few in any universal count, but significantly numerous in my lifetime a count of 15 or so years search. The seemingly good intenders, whether it was 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years of their lingering process, one by one they let go of my hand, the journey take a sudden halt, and once again I am here. Alone. Daze. Looking around me and ask unbelievably, “That’s it?” Nobody seems to be around anymore for me to even ask for any further questions, silence. It’s just me now. Someone has just letting go of my hand. Why? Someone has just freeze another chunk of my heart. I do wonder how big of a heart that I have to withstand all these frostbites; the past’s, the present’s and the future’s.

39 minutes 45 seconds and counting, uh ah uh ah uh ah. This is a rough day testing the endurance. My heart is sinking with every breath that I take. Flashes of memory pieces dive in and out on the big glass window. My body works on its own mechanical wonder and my brain seems to have even bigger boaster, fuel on emotional turmoil. In a race, somehow the later can’t ever seem to find its switch.

The traffic and buildings outside are glazing away; I’m standing alone on my familiar hill, high above looking over the raging ocean below. A single old wrinkled Banyan tree is standing against the wind, grasses green as any eye can see dotted with small yellow daisy ankle high soft on my bare foot. Blue sky slowly turning its skin to a darker shade, patches of clouds closing in on the bright sunlight, slowly turning into grey threatening rain on the horizon creeping ever so slow. I can see my hand, outreaching, trying to grab the passing wind, by some means it seems to have a life of its own. Separating from my body, which is numb in its existence, housing heartbeats that are out of rhythm. I am here, waiting, for something that never seem to materialize. A sense of loss, a sense of disappearing self, a sense of fatality, which rooted deep as deep as my understanding of being. I am here, piercing through the air over to the distance water. Hopes, dreams, those forbidden thoughts that are all suppressed in reality, grow wild with the daisies on this hill. I am here, free to scream and shout, free to let go, free to build, stone by stone, my castle, stone by stone, almost at the same rate as it was destructed, again and again. But, I am still here, standing, alone, the Banyan is still standing, the wind is still blowing, my hill is still here. I am ever lost, yet, I am here, holding on, taking root like the old Banyan.

Slowly, I’m melting further, a little girl sitting on the front door step, crying in silence, an old German shepherd close at her knees. She rest her weary soul on his head, her small arms enveloping him, drawing all the warm and comfort that her little heart can absorb. Brawling from the end of the back corridor, Ma and Pa, their voice rises in the heat of the afternoon sun. I am here, playing back the too familiar scenes, of both of them standing facing each other, armed with whatever domestic tools that they could find, funny, you would never imagine a bug pump-spray is designed handy for human defender or human offender tool. Ma is angry, tears are running down her face, her hair wild, her voice is wilder. Pa was caught ‘handling’ the maid. The maid is nowhere to be seen. Pa is furious, his strong arms flagging in threat, his face turn to Neanderthal expression, and his voice is even wilder than Ma’s. My stone step is the farthest spot that I can go, for now. It’s not safe, it doesn’t protect me, it doesn’t hide me, and it doesn’t take me away. I am waiting, waiting for the neighbor to open their window and see me here. I am waiting, waiting for the Mum next door to come and take me in her house. I am waiting, waiting for the Mum next door to hold me in her arms, and telling me that everything is going to be fine. I am waiting, waiting for the Mum next door to tell me how a brave pretty little girl I am, that a such as I am, doesn’t cry, God loves strong, brave pretty little girl, and I am one of these girls that God creates to be special, who find happiness and good fortune when she grows up, someday. I am this little girl, strong, brave, pretty, with kind heart and life will be kind.

I am a grown up now, and I am still waiting. I do not know whether I am still strong and brave; the Mum next door is long gone. No one is telling me I am a strong, brave, pretty, kind and that life is just going to be fine. My brain is telling me I am strong, the mill is telling me that I am able to burn 159 calories so far. Uh ah uh ah uh and still counting up.

Slowly, a potato KiwiStag01 flies by approaching the big glass window, I look down at the mill’s placard trying to avoid his gaze. The writing is still in small print, only “Warning” in big enough letters. The stop sign circularly red is so attempting for me to press down. “Warning” I read again, I am still walking as fast as I can, swinging my arms back and forward, still trying to avoid his gaze. But, he taps on the glass and I have to look up. He says, “I’m happier without you than with you.” Smile indifferently while chewing on a chocolate chips cookie. “So, NO,” he stresses on the no, “I don’t want you in my life. Between the continuum of Love You and Love You Not, I am placing myself nearest to the Love You Not scale. I can’t see a future with the two of us in it. This is the end of the road. I am sorry that I hurt you, but I am not sorry for letting go.” He flutters his wings, and hover from side to side, looking at me like nothing happen, like it’s a matter of fact, like telling me the weather condition outside under the tropical sun is sunny, bright, 30 degree Celsius, mild wind. Then, he is gone. Gone from the window and gone in every sense of existence. He lets go of my hand, both in my vivid imagination, and in the reality of my every waking moment.

My legs turn weary, exhaustion creeps in, and my finger runs itself to the stop red button, while the warning sign seems to get bigger with each second past. I crash, in a pile on the mill, my head spinning, my heart racing, my sweats running down blending with my cascading tears. The line between my imagination and my vivid surrounding smudged collapsing into one another. I lost grip of myself, I lost grip of my sense of being. In a pile, I stay, shaking, wrapping my arms around my knees. My brain yells in protest, “Sarah! Sarah! Snap out of it! Sarah! Get a hold of yourself! Sarah! Now! Move on! Move on!” I am still here, in a pile on the mill. “Sarah… Sarah…” a strong hand on my shoulder shocks me back to the living, Noval, the Personal Trainer, “Are you ok?” asks him in alarm. “Yes … yes, I’m ok, just fainted for awhile there, I missed breakfast this morning, I’m ok now,” toweling my face to wipe away sweat and tears, I answer in small voice, probably non-coherent to him but that is the only thing that I can master now and try to stand up leaning on his arms. The wiggly hamster still crumples in pile, on the treadmill that I just step out from, still with tears cascading silently from her eyes, hugging her body close to herself.

You are the only person that I thought I can count on; I can run to, whenever I feel miserable. You are the only person that I am counting on to bring joy in my daily life. The only interesting thing for me is to receive a loving message from you, those words the only thing that keep me going daily. I look for it every day and I wait for it every day and it brighten my day knowing that I am not alone and you are there caring for me. Only words, but it makes wonder in my world.

My life is crappy and I badly need comfort. I tried to run to you for comfort, sometimes you are busy, so I wait. I still need comfort, you are still busy, so I wait some more. I still longing to find comfort in you, caused you are the only one that I have and matter. Why I keep pestering you for extra attention, caused you are the only one that I have and I thought can be my source of comfort daily. Even only through online messages.

So I wait, but when the loving gestures didn’t come, and you don’t even know that I need you so badly, I am feeling hurt and very left out. I wait when you were busy, when you are free, you don’t come to me, you have others things to do and have fun. Of course, you are allowed to have fun. But, what about me? I am still waiting to be comforted. The more I wait and the more I feel you never come around, I feel so silly to keep wanting to find comfort in you. You said you care, but from this end all I feel that I am waiting, waiting and if I tried to make a scene, you slam the door, and I am left alone again, still lost and still looking for comfort.

Every time I try to confront you with this feeling, instead of your understanding and your comfort, I get a rebuke. No matter how over reacted my attack, the bottom line is all I need is comfort and loving care. I need justification of my feeling. When I run to you, you feel attacked (which I did attack) and you do not see anything else and do not hear anything else except my attack (seeking your attention by attacking you, I know, I don’t know how else).

You need justification that you don’t do anything wrong, justification of why I attacked you, so unreasonably attacking you. You need justification. You slam the door, until I can give you that justification. In the process, I am left alone again, still feeling as miserable as ever, no justification for me, not from my own conscience. I do need my justification, I need my comfort, and I need someone treating me lovingly. I don’t have anyone else but you. But you need justification of my attack, slam the door; leave me alone to lick my wound. My life is still crappy, I am still miserable. I thought I can find my comfort in you.

Connected with you daily, is the only thing that get me through my day. It is very important to me to know that someone do care and feel it strongly in my heart. You still don’t understand after all this time that I count on you for emotional stability? Am I so wrong to expect this? Is it truly a burden to give me this daily comfort that I have to beg for it? Do you need me to beg? How do I do that? I think by writing this down is already humiliating enough for me. You still do not understand where I am coming from? You still do not understand why I run to you for comfort? What other justification that you need more beside I know that I attacked you? For the reason above this for me is very clear.

You think that I am looking for problems in our relationship? There is only one problem; I need you as my source of daily comfort. You are the only one that I have. But, you do not think that understanding that I need that is important and such you don’t think it’s a big deal to give me that comfort. I know you have everything else in your life; I am just a fraction of it. But, you are a big chunk in mine. Can you understand that?

If after all this said and done, you still do not understand why I react the way I do. What do you want from me?

That’s my latest email to him, which he never replies to. I never know why he never replies to my emails whenever we had a fight and because I can’t have him for a face to face conversation, I wrote all what crosses my mind, all that I feel in writing and email it to him. Silence. Even when we finally made up and on a speaking term again, he never response to my writings.

Speaking of which, we are not in contact these days. He needs time to think.

“I can come there anytime. It’s just the matter of arranging for the visa and permit. Whether we submit the partnership application at the embassy here or in Wellington; that’s a matter that we can discuss later. I can be there with a holiday visa sponsored by you. Hon, the bottom line that I want to hear from you is; do you want me there? Do you want a life with me? Things will be difficult for us at the start; do you think you can afford me until I can find myself a job?”

“I don’t know. I need time to think.”

“What do you mean by you don’t know?”

“Exactly it, I don’t know.”

“… Hon, you don’t know whether you want me or not? What is your heart saying? If you don’t know whether you love me and want me by now, what other kind of answer that you’re searching for?”

“It’s not that simple, it’s not black and white. I don’t know. I need time to think.”

“….”

“….”

“How long do you want me to wait for you? A day, a week, a month, a year, what?”

My mobile phone rings. “I love you, Sarah. I love you. I love you.” It’s MY POTATO. This is the first time that he ever calls me since that teary goodbye at Palmerston North’s airport. I have been waiting for so long to hear that 3 little words from him. Yet, when it finally happening, I am stunt, I am happy, of course, but stunt speechless. For once, I don’t have a quick witty come back for a reply. Should I say, thank you? Slowly, all senses come back to me and I feel like hugging everything in sight. He loves me. He loves me. He loves… eh… “I am not in love with you.” That was what he said once on that doomsday, on that last few weeks before my departure. Now, 9 months down the road and being so far apart from each other, he loves me? Is this possible? Is this real? Am I truly, loveable? Are we, truly, an US, a WE, a you-and-me thingy, a pair? 9 December 2008, mark that, mark that, MY POTATO LOVES ME.

Two months later, the postman delivers my overdue Christmas present. I find potato smiling at me on a play back VCD wishing me Merry Christmas and THAT section, “I love you Sarah, I love you, I love you … Merry Christmas.” THAT section has been replay again and again and again and again. I, me, the whole that I am, love you too. I’m in tears, I’m in laughter, and I’m in every stage of emotional turmoil that alleviates me. I love you, for the first time, these words ring crystal clear for me. This is not a movie, this not a romance novel, this is not a story someone’s told me about someone’s someone they know. This is me, my life, my story and I am loved, me, I, do love you.

My Facebook’s status changes from Single to In relationship with KiwiStag01, in relationship with KiwiStag01 … in relationship with. Me, in a relationship!

****

Back anticipating that “Cooling Down” flashes from the treadmill’s screen again today, uh ah uh ah uh ah, go away hamster! I am pissed today and I refuse to conjure your image. In my mind head, I can see her poke her wiggly butt in my direction and snort away holding her nose up high in the air after eyeing me evil.

“Am I correct to think that you would be a kind of guy that would not compromise if you think you are right and do not do anything wrong, no matter how I complain, explain, regardless of how I feel about it and so on and so forth, you will not budge and will never compromise and basically will just expect me to figure it out by myself and accept that you are right and I should just live with it or else?”

My anger fuelling this mill, I walk, faster and faster.

What is that sentence? I flash an angry look at that big wide window in front of me, I can see the picture of that nicely shaped lady with her cool smile, but what is that sentence? traeh regnorts dliuB. Bugger!! Who cares!

I grip the handle bar tighter and walk even faster increasing the speed on the machine. What are you smiling at lady? I growl at the lady picture. Walk even faster and squeezes close my eyes.

“Miss, you are making a very nice view for me from behind.” I snap open my eyes and aiming to kill looking for the source of that voice. Noval, the PT is standing next to me, smiling cheekily.

Before I can say anything, he reached over and reduce the timing on the mill to 3 minutes counting down, “Come on, let’s exercise, you don’t need to be on this for that long, 15 minutes warm-up is enough.”

“Oh,” I force out a smile at him in a haze. I guess, the anger has just cool a several notch down and I realise that my legs hurt from that entire anger fuelled walk.

I am going to call him later, I miss him, I need to talk to him. 3 days is a long enough suffering for me and I don’t really have the energy to maintain this anger anymore. About what, exactly, actually? I somehow forget what the cause of our fight was. I just miss my potato. I need to talk to him.

Piles of notes and all sorts of library books that I know I might not be reading them all stack the table and the space around my chair. I am sitting comfortably facing the lavishly green landscape a view from my bedroom window to the garden. It’s an early New Zealand summer day, the sun is bright and the wind is crisp. This is an ideal inspirational spot and yet instead of working on my thesis proposal and preparing for the mid-term exams, I am scanning the pages on my online dating website. Flicking from one picture to the next, I mentally tick mark each person, no, no, oh no, nah, ehm… maybe, no, no, wink or not wink, move on, no, no, no and on and on I flick one after the other.

Then, a mail arrived. Click on the inbox and start reading, Kiwistag01, ehm… what a confidence. He doesn’t sound bad, mentioning that he passed almost all 20 things that I listed in my profile and he would like to get to know me in person. Why not? Let’s reply, ask him to elaborate on each point, find out what he has got to say next.

“What are you doing?” After the period of exchanged emails, I am here to inform that Kiwistag01 and I have been exchanging instant messages on net and off net and phone calls.

“Studying, try to at least”

“It’s kind of late, working hard?”

“On and off, can’t seem to concentrate, been reading the same page over and over again.”

“You need a break, want me to come over and bring you coffee?”

“Now? It’s late, and what happen to our we’ll-meet-next-week plan? You promised me tea in a thermos, remember?”

“LOL, I know, but I want to meet you, I’m in the area. So, can I come?”

“Sure.”

That coffee delivery bought from the nearby petrol station turns out to be a labour-weekend-stay-over. Lead to me meeting his dog, office friends, the whole family, close friends, and me moving in and sharing his living space and daily life. In that span of close to 18 months time, I become we. He becomes we. But, love, is still yet factor in.

“Babe” I can hear his voice calling over the running water.

“In the shower,” I yell back, no need actually, as his head pops between the ajaring sliding door.

“I know.” Grinning sheepishly he closed back the door.

“Cheeky!” I yell again, continuing what I’m doing and wait, listen, a few minutes passes by, and there it is the familiar sound of that online computer game that I learn to hate.

Fresh from the shower, I walk over to his throne; give him a hug and a kiss.

Holding me close, “The raid will start soon,” says he.

“I know,” cupping my hands on his receding potato head, “hungry?”

“Yesss,” his smile broad flashing from underneath all those beard a set of crow feet framing his beaming eyes, and I forget that a few minute ago I want to smack him hard on the head.

“Dinner in 5,” peeling myself away from his embrace.

“No hurry, babe.”

Two plates, I am making dinner for two, he doesn’t like his vegetables, so I puree the carrots and finely blend in every veggie-like substances into the tomato sauce of this bolognaise. Three, I also have my own personal 4-legged dinner companion, PeeJay. She follows me around, sharing my dinner, facing the same direction that I am facing, the TV screen. While her master, my potato, facing the opposite direction of us, the computer screen.

It’s late; I am getting ready for bed after my last cig outside in the cold night air. Snugly tucked under the duvet, reading my book, potato comes and claims his side of the bed from PeeJay. Closing my book, wrestling with PeeJay to put my arms around potato, I whisper, “Tired?” Hugging me tight, he sighs,” Knackered.” I reach over to his side of the bed, find the light switch. Darkness falls upon us, silence, you can hear 3 hearts beat in its individual pace, then sleep comes and linger the whole night. It’s a normal happy day, of we, us, me, him and PeeJay.

Saturday, me and June, we meet up and talk nostalgically, she was my primary school mate, long gone recently found on Facebook. We start with a scrumptious 10AM breakfast, tasting one dish after another from the nicely and splendidly spread buffet. Pampering ourselves with fresh squeeze orange juice, warm waffles, scramble eggs, poached sausages, home-made yoghurt and the list goes on. A long chat over breakfast slash brunch and a shower later, leisurely, we cruises down to the mall, manicure and pedicure session for her, while I happily locating myself in one of the cafés, sipping coffee, blowing smoke rings, reading my book, glancing once in a while to watch the people and the world go by.

It’s Sunday, 8pm on the dot.

“Go ahead and order. Forget about the calorie, they are absolutely yummo!” June smiles at me devil-ish. I scan the menu from front to back and back to front, concentrating as if the smiley waitress will give me a pop-quiz on it in the next 10 minutes. While actually, I have my tummy-eye one-track-mind set on the BBQ baby back ribs glazed with house specialty sauce – healthy salad, healthy salad, healthy salad chanting my brain happily while my eyes following the turn of the pages and I, of course, happily ignoring the chant.

“I think you should come back in a bit, miss,” addressing the waitress with her twinkle eyes, “I need to brainwash her. Could you please bring us our drinks first?” June kicks my leg from across the table in a playful manner like we were still two kids with pigtails, “Come on, I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“Stop thinking, as agreed this is our meat night, so go on order, you are surely not going to order rabbit food after nagging me to take you here!”

“Who nag you?” Sticking my tongue to her, “You basically convince me this is the best place for ribs.”

“And you, girl, as I recall doesn’t take much need for any convincing act in my part, I just open my mouth and mentioned ribs and yummo, you’re hooked, yeehaaw!”

“Yeehaaw! Hehehehehe Do you know, that 30 minutes on treadmill will only amount to 138 calories? I don’t want to even think how many calories these ribs have” grinning stupidly and rolling my eyes at her, “Yeah, yeah, yeah rib then. Call back the waitress.”

“See, less than 5 second such a convincing effort to get you on board!”

I look around the room, while she waives at the waitress. Not really a packed place on a Sunday night, the irony of an Irish resto in Medan. The place is dimly lit, romantic candle light flickering from each table surrounding an impressively stocked bar at the far end of the room. Wooden furniture matching the wooden wall, projecting a cosy atmosphere, sending signs that lingering is an ok thing to do here. My gaze slowly trail the people in front of me without really registering their features, just immersing the vibe while my mind wonder in and out then finally my eyes rest on my mobile phone. No text. He is probably asleep by now. Caught myself back in time – I return my gaze back to June.

“This place used to be packed; a few months ago we need to call in for reservation. But since the airport security has a one-way street policy up the road leading to this place after 8pm, people sort of abandoning it as THE hang out place. But trust me; the food here is worth it.”

“Yeah, I guess, with so many hang out places to choose from, people prefer going to somewhere which has both good food and strategic location.”

“He didn’t text, eh?” Suddenly she asks, I just look at her and flash her one of my indifference smiles.

“Oh, tell me again, how did you end up with 5 kids, eh?”

I considered myself a master of instant diversion to a next topic, when the subject of my potato pops. Don’t get me wrong, he is almost constantly on my mind, no matter what I do, but when people ask me about him, I tend to give them short answers as deep down, the real problem is: I don’t know. I don’t know whether there is a real future ahead consisting of me and him building a life together. I’m afraid to dream, I can dream alone, safely in my own thought, but saying out loud and expressing that dream in verbal description for others to hear, that I can’t. As if I might break some kind of jinx – people might feel sorry for me when it all turned out to be a flop. I dream, but I dream alone inside my head.

“It’s ok, the flight was alright, can’t believe this would be my last field trip, will be in Medan tomorrow night and then on to Siborong-borong, back to Medan, then Takengon and finally back to Medan, finally home – 2 weeks of the final lag. How are you?”

“I’m good”

“Busy day?”

“Yeah, been out on the job since morning, had an early start, a bit knackered actually.”

“Poor baby… hope you will have a good rest later, almost time to go home?”

“Nah, still got stuff that I need to sort, probably will be here for a while.”

“Ok, I’ll keep you company, ya. Work starts tomorrow morning, I’m just going to lay low and take it easy tonight. Feeling a bit unwell, actually, I can feel a sore throat coming, hopefully it won’t get any worse, this is going to be a long trip and being sick would be the last thing that I need.”

“Take care of yourself, hon. I don’t like it if you are sick or in trouble and I can’t be there for you.”

“Thanks, Hon, I will, don’t worry.”

I don’t like it if you’re sick or in trouble and I can’t be there for you? Normally, my sceptical nature would have me cringe away with that kind of sweet talks. But, coming from my potato, it so heart-warming. Every sense of my being soak on the sound of that sentence, alleviate me to a state of bliss, expresses in a big long sigh upon reading it; missing you, truly. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to run for his embrace, resting my head on his chest, my ear snug closely to the level of his heart beat, in tune with its familiar rhythm? For a few seconds, I could block the world around me; forget all my worries, just to stand still, wrapping my arms around that familiar contour. For a few moments, it’s just me and him.

“Oh, I will have a two-day break during this trip. Won’t be working this weekend, we will be in Medan. Remember that fancy hotel that I stayed the last time, I will be there again. Cool eh?”

“Yep. That will be nice, enjoy you. ”

“Hehhehe I will”

“I will be away this weekend, going up to Auckland on my bike, for Pearl Jam concert, will be leaving after work on Friday, be back on Sunday, night-ish.”

“Oh, ok”

I know, I should have wished him the same, “enjoy you”. But, why there is a twang on my heartstrings? Something – an alarm bell of a cuckoo nest, starting like abandonment and ending like jealousy. I wish, you will be available on the weekend, I wish I can spend time talking and being with you, online, on the weekend, I wish I can come with you and have fun ride and being a part of the crowd in the concert. Who are you taking instead? That girl who is a friend? Will the two of you ride on the same bike? Will the two of you share the same accommodation? Are you going on your own?

“Who are you taking with you, Hon?”

“No one, I’m going up on my own.”

“Ok, be careful ya, text me to let me know, you are ok, ya?”

“Ok”

Of course, that wouldn’t happen. Texting me to let me know, he is ok, is rarely ever considered as emergency text. I do my own things on that weekend, trying hard to forget how much I miss him, trying to brush away the urge to text him or make that international call.