Billy Joel Explains How Life Has Always Been Harder Due To Stupid Fat Fingers

In a rare interview with the media since his very public divorce from yet another woman whom no one could believe he was married to, Billy Joel revealed the real reason for his addiction issues.

“Fat fingers.” Joel said through a blanket of tears. “It’s always been something that’s plagued me.”

Throughout the last decade Joel has been involved in three car accidents that we know about. Every accident has been tossed up to a drinking problem, as well as other recreational drugs that Joel has long struggled with and were thought to be the main lyrical influence behind the song ‘Don’t Go Changing’. But today Joel admits the accidents had nothing to do with alcohol and that he’s never had one sip of “Sir Elton John’s Elixir Potion” as he called it.

“I got into the accidents because my fingers were too fat to fit around the steering wheel. When I was married, I always made my wives drive. If you’ll notice every accident happened while I was separated. The media never picked up on that, but then again there’s a lot they don’t pick up on.” The odd insult to the media aside, Joel went on, “I’ve never drank, I just said I did. I needed something to cover up my juicy sausage fingers.”

When asked about his storied drug addiction Joel offered to clear that up as well, “Yes. I did a lot of drugs.” “I didn’t want anyone staring too much, which is why I started playing piano in the first place. My dad told me if I moved my fingers fast enough they’d look skinnier and people would eventually just stare at my terrible looking face.” Joel said while wiping away puddles of tears that had collected in his goatee.

“Almost every song I’ve ever written was about my fingers, but I’d use other words for them like ‘Marilyn Monroe’ or ‘Joe DiMaggio’ instead of saying my left thumb or my right thumb.” We also learned that Davey from the Navy showcased in the Joel’s biggest hit ‘Piano Man’ was actually what Joel’s mother used to call his left index finger.

“I’m just happy I can finally be honest about everything. It’s a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, theoretically, because in reality my fingers still weigh down my shoulder’s quite a bit”.