The Ten New Plagues

It’s been over 3,000 years since we’ve had a good plague, so we’ve updated the list with ten new ones.

It has been a long time since we have experienced a good plague – 3,000 years at least. But then, as Passover approaches, Jewlarious Senior Head Chief Correspondent, Marc Eli Schnitzel is seeing plagues everywhere. So, he thought that he would update the famed ten plagues with his own modern ten:

Imagine if Moses had given Pharaoh’s financial team a massive and completely undeserved bonus pool.

1) Greed: Imagine if Moses had marched up the palace steps to see Pharaoh and said, “I have warned you, but you have not listened. Now, I will call for a massive and completely undeserved bonus pool, which shall befall your entire financial team, who hath wrought so much devastation already. These bonuses will throw the economic system out of whack forever and no one will ever do anything about it.” Pharaoh certainly would have scoffed at Moses, accepted those bonuses and purchased a Ferrari or two in which to gallivant around Alexandria. And then his day of reckoning would have come when the bonuses would have led to the collapse of the economy, massive government debt and declining pyramid prices. He would have begged Moses to take those bonuses back and Moses probably would have in exchange for freedom. But it seems that no one – not even the President of the United States – can do anything about them these days.

2) Avatar: Why is the plagues above so general and this one so specific? “Bad movies” cannot really be considered a plague – often times their failures are funny and enjoyable. But, at 162 minutes with a plot pilfered from Pocahontas and Dances with Wolves and then rewritten by a five year old, Avatar was an experience that was far worse than a mere bad film. Avatar was like suffering through boils, locusts and hail combined and the public reverence for it was reminiscent of another plague, darkness. Yes, we know that it was visually stunning and that lots of people liked it, but that can also be said of Color Me Badd’s 1991world tour and, as a society, we regret that now, don’t we? Are you outraged by this plague? Just read Sigourney Weaver or Giovanni Ribisi’s dialogue again and see if you survive to levy your complaint.

3) Healthcare: Who would have thought that healthcare itself could be considered a plague? How's that for irony? Yes, healthcare, with its desire to serve the American public during its time of need seems to be the worst thing that could ever happen to Americans without healthcare. “Do we look like those socialists in Canada, whose healthcare system costs less and whose government has no ownership stake in their banking system at all, unlike ours which owns huge chunks of Citigroup and AIG?” Wait, isn’t the accusation of socialism itself increasingly ironic? Maybe the actual plague is not healthcare but an inability to understand irony?

No, I didn’t see what you posted on Facebook because I am living my life instead of posting it online.

4) Technology: “Did you see what so and so posted on Facebook?” No, I didn’t because I am living my life instead of posting it online. Didn’t we learn our lesson from how awful reality TV is? Do we really need to peer into the lives of hundreds of our friends to validate that their lives are far duller than our own. Remember a simpler time when you went out for dinner to talk to friends and did not go out to take pictures that tell others about the wild time that it only seems you had in photos? Facebook is in itself a plague and we expect that many will tweet this article in agreement.

5) Laughter: Never seen Jersey Shore? Well, you have probably not seen a river turn to blood, but can still call a plague when you see one. The fact that those who are wise enough to stay away still know the names Snooki and J-Woww, reveals just how insidious this plague is. It seems that the premise of this show is: let’s take a bunch of people who are already parodies of themselves and encourage them to drink and engage in acts of violence and degradation, so that we can laugh at them for it. And, while we are at it, let’s also allow them to spell their names in ways that are an affront to common sense. Like many high-schoolers, you probably read Flowers for Algernon which had a similar plot device: Charlie’s coworkers get him drunk and laugh at him. But, the goal was to teach us that laughing at the mentally deficient is a bad thing. Maybe the joke is on us for watching? Of course it is.

6) Congestion: Sadly, a visit to Jerusalem reveals a modern day plague – rakevet kalah -- the new light rail system which is scheduled to open in 2011, three years behind schedule and 150% over-budget… and who knows? Maybe those numbers will be revised again. A 13km swath has been cut through the city to make way for a train that never comes and has stopped traffic dead in its tracks for five years, leaving Israelis to do what they do best – honk their horns at things that cannot move. If you face the plague that is construction of light rail, we wish upon you an antidote of sorts – a bounty of donkeys for your public, because if you need to go somewhere, old fashioned transportation will get you there a lot quicker.

7) Darkness: Whoah, retro plague! Let’s not be na?ve. Darkness is still a plague, especially leading up to December 21st each year, otherwise known as the winter solstice. For example, like you, I split my time between Anchorage, Alaska and Tallinn, Estonia and each year on December 21st, we face a mere five and a half hours of sunlight. Each eighteen and a half hour night, we all wonder if that stubborn pharaoh has returned and enslaved our people again. Then we wake up relieved, send our children to school, go to work and return five and half hours later, with plenty of time to lament why we have chosen to live in a place that is light for five and a half hours each day.

8) Permissiveness: Webster’s Dictionary defines a plague as “a disastrous evil or affliction; a destructive numerous influx” How is it that Jonathan Pollard sits in jail but Ron Artest, Gilbert Arenas, Jason Kidd, Tyreke Evans and, well, the entire NBA, are free to exert a “destructive numerous influx” on our society? Criminal trespassing, unlawful restraint, false imprisonment, drug possession, assault, conspiracy – and those are just the charges that Allen Iverson has faced – are a part of a broader plague upon our society. The best part of this plague is that we pay top dollar for it. I wonder how many frogs you can purchase for the NBA maximum salary of $20,195,000 per year? Unleash the frogs!

9) Stimuli: Oh sweet, sweet caffeine, such a cruel mistress. Diet Coke for breakfast and three coffee breaks during the day -- by 5:00 pm, half of us are ready to collapse and the other half are ready to sprint home. But, of course, we can’t get home because our coffee breaks cost more than our earnings. Why shouldn’t we have three $5.50, 500 calorie frapuccinos each day? And why shouldn’t we put them on our unpaid credit cards? When the bank starts calling they can’t repossess already consumed lattes, can they? Now we’re thinking!

10) Slavery: What do Bashar Al-Assad, Hosni Mubarak, Kim Jong Il, Raul Castro, Robert Mugabe, Omar Al Bashir, King Abdullah and Muammar Qadafi all have in common? We would ask them, but it is tough to get an interview with a dictator when you work for Jewlarious, especially in countries where freedom of the press and freedom of speech are punch-lines themselves. What kind of world are we living in when people cannot freely read Jewlarious? How can it be that in 2010 there are still slaves in Egypt? Looks like we need another Moses.

About the Author

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Visitor Comments: 12

(12)
Anonymous,
March 5, 2011 10:47 PM

Everything negative that happens comes from free will used unwisely and the people that covet. Predators are a plague and there is always something in the news that is always bad. I don't even watch anything but the weather on tv. Commercials are also a plague. The plague of predators is like the one plague of lice that was thrust upon Pharoah and his people, but not the Jewish people. Love your roots and cling to Torah study and the Chofetz Chaim Foundation. You will find salvation and blessings in your life that you thought would never happen. Brura

(11)
Helen Schwab,
April 14, 2010 3:54 AM

gosh! lol lines! thank you!

Great piece! My 3 favorite lines:
"...rakevet kalah -- the new light rail system...leaving Israelis to do what they do best – honk their horns at things that cannot move."
..."how many frogs you can purchase for the NBA maximum salary of $20,195,000 per year?"
..."When the bank starts calling they can’t repossess already consumed lattes, can they? Now we’re thinking!"

(10)
amuslimfromwindsor,
April 13, 2010 11:57 PM

Believe it or not, I am addicted to jewlarious, daily uplifts and most regular features of this website. I find it very inspiring and educating . Friends, there is more in common that can be cherished and shared.
All the best to all readers of all Faiths

(9)
Beyl Walter-Jernigan,
April 6, 2010 4:17 AM

YOu are so JEWLARIOUS that it's almost NOT funny!

Love your ten new plagues! Talk about rolling on the floor laughing! I rolled one direction and my chair rolled the other. Please email me a copy of this so I can email it to my friends.

(8)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2010 5:39 PM

HAHAHA

Just great!
Kind of sad though when you think about it, what this world has come to.
Thanks for this.

(7)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2010 4:03 PM

Health Care

I agree.
There is an irony in the fact that Americans are critisizing and trashing Canada on every corner, but are going towards better social system anyway.
Without revolution.
Good luck, and happy socialism.

Does anyone actually read these articles and understand that they are jokes?

"I am socialist Canadian jewish" -- yes, you are. You also don't understand that this piece is complimentary. It is saying, "Americans are hypocrits for criticizing Canada, because the US government owns banks. Sarcasm is a tough thing to understand sometimes. Just read the articles carefully and you will udnersatnd that there are jokes in them!

(4)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2010 3:06 PM

Health Care

Don't even try this with Socialist Canadians. I am Socialist Canadian Jewish and proud of my Country, and I would never want to be anywhere else in the world - specialy not in US of A. Cultivate yourself. Get a health care and get a life.

(3)
Anoynous,
March 25, 2010 11:18 AM

Elixelx?

Eli, How exactly can one write a satirical piece -- especially one about plagues -- without a target? Let's try to rewrite one of these in a positive way. "Facebook is really a lot of fun isn't it? It is not really a plague at all, because people find it useful as a way to catch up with old friends and spend lots of valuable time on the site!" Boy Eli, that is hysterical. I want to read more of that. Lighten up pal.

(2)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2010 3:13 PM

Thanks Jewlarious! and Lighten up (1) elixelx!

Laughter is the best medicine and sometimes even in laughter people just cannot stand to see the truth in black and white. Thanks for another great Jewlarious piece!! A big thanks to everyone at AISH!!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...