the dog days are over, the dog days are done.

30 July, 2010

she comes back tomorrow which is good, i've well missed her! she's been in pissing france for the past week and i've not been able to bug her for 25 hours a day, no bbming or anything *cries* i've missed our bizarre town trips, writing on tramps beds etc, etc :P it's fine though cos i'm going to make her come and see cats & dogs 2 with me, eeeeeh! :D

piss knows why i'm not putting your name, anyone that knows me properly at all will know exactly who i'm writing about on here but yeah... it's crazy how much i still miss you, it actually makes me feel sick. you weren't just my friend, you were the best of the best friends and everyone knew it. i don't know how we ended up becoming such good friends but it's one of the best things that ever happened to me. looking back now, the majority of my best memories are with you, most of me growing up is with you, it's really strange. k, so i just went on my old piczo site (lol.) and read some of the memory things that i put that we had and it honestly brought tears to me eyes :/ eurgh. you were the friend that my parents saw as another daughter, you would come to mine on christmas day night just because, family holidays, you were there, in two and a half weeks we spent fourteen hours apart without even realising, family birthdays and stuff, skipping school, college open days... everything, we did together. you saw me through some of the toughest things i've ever, ever been through and to this day, you know things about me that nobody else knows and that'll probably be how it forever remains, score. it pisses me off looking back now because i think that, at times , without realising it, i put a relationship before me and you but i swear i didn't realise i was doing that because me and you just came so easy, it was like family and we always knew that we were more important than any relationship. i remember you were the first person i came out as bi to, it was april 22nd in year 10 and we were in my room at my nanas and you should have been in german and i should have been in french and i told you about me and bexx and all i remember is you hugging me then asking if we could have chips for breakfast and 'did my nana have any decent pies in?', you'll never know how much that meant to me, you were there for me through absolutely everything. you were the kind of person that kept your distance in the dramatic situations that seemed to follow me around like mad but it just kind of worked that way, we weren't even in the same half year so hardly saw each other during lesson times and whatever but i'd get the 42 back to yours after school and just go and, well, be. i'll never forget when things all blew up though and for the first time, you switched and flipped out and came after me and i was like, wow, this is seriously incredible, i can't explain it but it meant the world to me that you went out of your way to look out for me, so much so that your persona changed. it killed me to see you go through what you went through, i'm not going to go into it because it'll really upset me but if i had to go back, given the chance again, i would have done it all the same because that's just how much you meant to me, you being healthy and happy was far more important than if me and you were going to remain how we'd been for so long, i know that sounds crazy but that's just how it is. when we really drifted apart, it messed me up so much, like, seriously, i was waiting for all relationships around me to just crumble to bits and whilst waiting for that to happen, i sort of ripped them down because i was too scared to wait anymore. we've not been the same for aaaages now, since like year 12 but i still really miss you and probably always will.

29 July, 2010

i'm not in the mood to go into it, i don't want it all to be taken out of context, i just want it how it was before.

I MISS YOU.

"why do you have to be so cute? it's impossible to ignore you, must you make me laugh so much? it's bad enough we get along so well. one of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me, it's always say goodnight and go, we'll have drinks and talk about things and any excuse to stay awake with you..."

i don't know what's going on with me at the minute, like, seriously, don't feel like me anymore, it's so bizarre, i blame the broken dvd player, fml. quite a few lovely things have been going on though... i had my pizza hut and cinema date with lozza which was lovely, as per :) inception was utterly mind blowing, like, everything about it. i actually liked leonardo dicaprio in it, which kind of shocked me, even though i liked him in titanic and romeo & juliet, hm. joseph gordon-levitt was in it as well, i was so excited about that cos i utterly adored him in 500 days of summer but it turns out his character in inception bugged me a bit and he looked like spock, then there was ellen page and marion cotillard, i can't even, just, sh, i love them, seriously amazing film though.

i went to poppy seddons for a bit last night which was so random but fun, i do enjoy my random trips out :') they're always so last minute and strange... me and poppy actually speak quite a lot, i'm not sure how or why or anything but we do and i think she is probably one of the sweetest people i've ever come across so yeah, fun. the night involved pure chills, cider, my phone being dropped completely into a cup of cider, music channels, michael jackson, tattoos, hash browns, ketchup, mcfly, gag, blahhhhhhhhhhhh, celine, obvs, pure in depth conversations with shannon, ipod times and roaming the streets alone at 1am; bliss... i followed this by watching wild child at like 2am alone :') why is my life such a chuffing joke?!

it was my daddys birthday today, well, yesterday, sh. 28th july :) me, my mum and dad randomly went out for some food which was really nice, i quite like having time with just them two, it's strange, being allowed into their world a bit, i know that sounds really odd but i love it so much. so yeah, cheeky bit of food with the 'rents and a glass of wine or two (hello crazed head aches, god.) then we went to the pub and met doug and steve who my dad went to school with and they just played pool and we all sat speaking and having a drink for a bit and it was just such a chill, i loved it, really, really loved it.

there was a time when i could have sat here and typed and typed and typed about how much crap one person has given me but at the end of the day, i played a big part in it as well and there's not much point dwelling on it. it's strange cos when i think of people who've hurt me the most, that person doesn't even come into the equation :')

three people have caused me so much pain but shit happens, build a bridge, get over it.

if i had my way, i'd want to talk to my nanas mum and dad, jack and nancy, my grandads dad, thomas, my dads dad tim and pete but when i saw this post thing, i instantly thought of my mum's nana, rose.

this is the only picture i have of her on my laptop. she died like, two years ago now i think? because she's from my mums side, she's a pure scouser and is probably one of the funniest people i've ever had the privilege of meeting. she was the last of my great grandparents to pass away which basically means that i was able to actually get to know her. she was like, the heart of my mums side of the family and she'd do absolutely anything for anyone. when she died, i was old enough to understand what was going on and i was pretty broken about it because i'd never got to say goodbye to her, i'm quite lucky in the sense that i've never lost anyone exceptionally close to me because i know that there were people in my family that were much closer to nana gus (that's what i called her, pahah!) than me, like my mum for example, but in my eyes, the pain of having to watch someone you are close to (my mum, my mums brother, my grandad...) lose someone they're really close to, that kind of has a league of it's own if that makes sense? i'd love to be able to sit and talk to her again so i could tell her about the kind of person i am now, i'm so different to how i was a couple of years ago, i'd tell her about the kind of person i hope to be, i'd find out more about her, because everytime i did find out new things about her, it was incredible, then i'd make sure she knew how happy she made my family and how she had such a big influence of all of us. ♥

27 July, 2010

she's four years younger than me but she's really grown up and if she wants something, she's going to get it. she can be such a bitch at times and we never used to get on but that's kind of changed now. we've never been exceptionally close but when we were younger, we used to play together and stuff and i liked having a sibling who wasn't too far from my own age and stuff although at the time the age gap seemed much bigger than it is now. we've been through a lot together but she's one of those people who don't like talking about feelings much and stuff, i think she takes after my mum quite a lot in that aspect but if anyone was to hurt her, well, let's just say, that doesn't come close to what i'd do to them. i value both her and my brother, and the rest of my family for that matter, since going to uni because i don't think i take them for granted as much as i used to and now we're not together as much as we were before, we actually choose to spend time together instead of being forced to but i kind of wish we could talk about stuff even more and i hope that we'll start to.

there's so many people i'd absolutely love to meet but florence just goes above everything.

florence and the machine are like, my favourite band, it's pretty far beyond obsession if i'm being honest. florence welch is absolutely out of this world, utterly incredible. i think everything about her is immense, the fact that her voice isn't perfect, it's so different, she looks strange and i think it's really enticing, her voice gives me goosebumps and lungs is my favourite album EVER. i've seen her live twice and she is absolutely mesmorising. every single one of her songs drags out emotions from within me that i didn't even know i had, a lot of her songs have made me look at things so differently, i mean come on, how mental is that?! it's fine though cos my next tattoo is 'the dog days are over', couldn't be more excited if i tried! so yeah, plus, on top of all of that, she seems like a bit of fun, we'd get a massive dressing up box and dress up as loads of strange things all day then go get matching tattoos and get absolutely wrecked and dance like loons, heaven! : D

26 July, 2010

i was really struggling with what the hell to put here but now i have the perfect solution...

kirsty holden :)

she goes to my uni and i've seen her around quite a lot, usually on blurry, messy nights out and me, just being me, smiley to everyone and just pottering along made a mental note of her cos she had a cool ear plug thing, yes, i observe the strangest things. so yeah, one night, well, early one morning at about 4am, i was slightly tipsy still from being wasted earlier on and pottered along to the kitchen at maggie b and ended up stopping in polly's room for aaaages cos, for some reason, kirsty was there with dom :') it was so surreal, ohmygosh! i remember now! it was the night lauren came to stay, it was literally about 4am and i was ranting about whether or not we had a new prime minister :') we ended up speaking about the labour party and then had a rrrreally in depth conversation about lady gaga, monsters together and all that ;)

so yeah, i have her on facebook and we randomly started speaking on it quite a lot and i started stalking my way through her tumblr (a lot of it is just pure heaven, not gonna lie :P) and then we started commenting lots. it turns out we kind of have the same brain - celine, cher, ellen page, ellen (!!!!), will and grace, meryl streep, bree and of course mother monster ;P - my gosh you can tell she brings out the gay in me!

she's an absolute sweetheart and she is a very nice 'internet friend' - aha!

"YOU KNOW A SHOOTING STAR IS JUST DEBRIS, BUT WE STILL FIND THEM BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?

WELL DOES THAT MEAN WHATEVER’S LEFT OF US, HEARTBREAK AFTER HEARTBREAK, IS STILL BEAUTIFUL?"

dear you,

there's not really much to say any more. we had a good run that at times was amazing and at times was awful but it was ours and i learnt a lot from it but that's not how it is any more and i'm alright with that. i wish i felt more confident with knowing that we're properly friends, not just two people who say they're going to meet up and do something but never do. it's the biggest shock going from being so close to being close to nothing at all. there's so much i would love to talk about with you, so much stuff that's happened, not even massive stuff, just the little day to day stuff and i've tried to kind of keep you in the loop with loads of my random crap but in the end, i begin to just feel like a complete loser who is bugging you and that's not really very fair cos all i want to do is be friends with you. i guess it'd be different if you would just turn around and say to me 'it'd probably be for the best if we weren't friends' or something along those lines, but you say you want to be friends as well so i guess that's just what i'm trying to do.

looking back now, there's loads of things that i wish i could change, loads of things that i wish i'd done differently but i can't do that so there's not really much point. all i've ever wanted was the best for you and that still remains how i feel now. when we broke up, i hit a proper low point but at the same time, underneath all the madness, i was completely calm because i knew that it was the end and i knew i had to learn to accept that and i've accepted it now and i know you're better off as you are, i'm better off as i am, we're better off this way. no matter what happens, i'll never regret what we went through together and i take back what i said before, if i could go back and change any of it, i don't actually think i would because everything that happened has had such a huge influence on me becoming the person i am today, i guess that underneath it all, you have had a huge influence on me becoming the person i am today.

you're not really a stranger, well you are but you're not, it's quite exciting that i'm not putting who you are on here though :') i've not seen you in aaaages, i think the last time i saw you was from a distance, i was on the bus and you were just walking along and we saw each other and kind of waved and smiled at the same time, it was nice, sort of awkward but still nice. it's kind of crazy that you're the first person that came to mind when this came up, it's crazy what your mind drags up at times isn't it?

i don't really know that much about you. i know that you're insanely talented at everything you do. i know that i still remember freaking out when i got off the bus that day, it was stupidly random and so chilled at the same time. i still remember running up the stairs of ellens house like an elephant, sometimes, i wonder what could have been as far as that's concerned and of course, i'm glad i'll never know because that sort of takes away from the magic of 'what if'. i still remember the blag and you helping us out of it. i still remember rehearsals and 'easy' by sugababes being on and we were overly idiotic until i told you i had a beach boys cd in my bag then we put 'wouldn't it be nice' on full blast and danced around like crazed fools. i still remember the look of awe in peoples eyes when they spoke to you, god knows how i must have looked, hah!

25 July, 2010

i know that this probably relates to my aspirational dreams and all that malark but, right, i'm sort of trying out this new thing where i keep a lot of things like that to myself, i know that doesn't make much sense but to me, it honestly couldn't make more sense, i'm babbling slighty now but yeah, i'd quite like to be happy and proud of myself.

i was going to go with the whole sibling thing here cos i do have an awful lot of love for hayley and owen but i think i'm going to go with a cheeky bit of hazel and tommy :')

they are my mummy's mum and dad and i have been close to both of them since i can remember, they are literally like my second parents. there have been points in my life where i've lived with them and now i'm older and understand things a lot more, i really know how much they've done for me and to say i have so much respect for them, well, it's just not enough.

my grandad, along with my dad and little brother, is the most imporant man in my life. he is a typical scouser, he knows so much about music it's crazy, i think i get a lot of my music taste from him and he just takes the piss out of me constantly, i love that we just wind each other up all the time yet i know i can always go to him with serious stuff aswell, there's never any kind of awkwardness or anything.

my nana is my best friend, i was actually going to put her on the first post thing but knew she'd be going on here so i didn't. yeah, it's that simple really, she is my best friend. i'm so ridiculously lucky to be able to have a grandparent that i can talk about anything and everything with, all my random crap that i don't really feel like saying to anyone else, well, she's the one who'll sit and take it all in and just, join in with all of it :') she's such an angel in the sense that she'll go out of her way to make sure people are happy and you can see if something bad's happening, she'll just stay out of all of it and make sure everything is sorted out and resolved, something that can be quite hard in my family, pah :') she's always been here for me, her and my grandad both have and i've always seen her as being a source of good luck for me and when i went and got my four leaved clover tattoo done, she came and got one done as well, eeeh!

big debs and jimbo absolutely chilling :') i've never been exceptionally close to my mum or dad but as i've got older and stuff, i've began to respect them in ways that i didn't really know were possible. i know everyone can say, oh my parents do so much for me, blah blah blah and i can completely relate to that but i feel like my parents have always done so much more than just a lot for me. they are two of the most hard working people i've ever known and i have so much admiration for the way they deal with things. now i'm old enough to understand and now that i know more about them as individuals and as a couple, i can see that they would do absolutely anything to keep a smile on mine, my brothers and my sisters face. fair enough, we don't always see eye to eye but without them i'd be absolutely nothing and i know that they do everything they do to look out for me.

eek, it's pretty bad that i kind of close up when i'm asked who my best friend is, isn't it?

i guess i don't really have a single best friend, i'm lucky enough to have a number of amazing people in my life, who i can go to with different things and stuff and each one of them are amazing in different ways, so yeah...

naomi lyons-vernon -

"let go of your heart, let go of your head and feel it now, babylon..."

to me, being best friends with someone isn't just a label and i've never felt that way with her. i'm not going to go on and on about her here because i really can't be bothered over thinking through everything and ending up upset and whatever but in my eyes, naomi is simply amazing and she always has been. she's such a sweet natured person with so much passion for everything she does and without even realising it, she's made me a stronger person, she's made me look at things head on and confront my fears and stuff when all i've wanted to do is run a million miles from everything. she'll never understand what a huge impact she's had on me and how much i miss her when we go so long without talking : / i don't really know what's going to happen with us in the future but all i know is that she's made me the person i am today and i'm so, ridiculously grateful to even know her because she really is incredible.

caroline grundy -

"i felt you in my life before i even thought to..."

christ on a bike, where am i meant to start with this girl?! firstly, it's hilarious that the only picture of us together is that one up there ^ :') um, well, basically, we've been through a lot together and i have so much respect for her i can't even begin to tell you just how much because i don't even know myself, if that makes sense? i admire her and her ability to always try her best at everything she does, i kind of wish i could be a little more like her. she's never once made me feel uncomfortable with me just being, well, me and that's kind of crazy if you consider everything... we spend about 25 hours a day talking about the strangest things and we just kind of click together, there's never been any issues with us because we both seem to get exactly where one another is coming from. i never, ever would have thought i would have been able to class her as a real friend, let alone a best friend but it's so easy for me to do that which, i'm not gonna lie, i absolutely love. i really do trust her with my life and she's living proof that amazingly amazing things can come from awful situations.

lauren hayes -

"she knows, there'll always be a special place in my heart for her, she knows, no matter how far apart we are, she knows i'm always right there beside her..." << ohmygod, phil collins lyrics :')

i could type and type and type about how much i love lauren but it simply wouldn't be enough. i've known her since the very beginning of high school and we're still just as close are we were then now and i have no doubts in my mind that that's the way it's always going to be. every little phase and stage i've had, she's not been far behind, she's put up with me when i've been at my very best and at my very worst and she's just been completely consistent through the lot of it. we can go aaages without seeing each other and then when we meet up, we just fit back together perfectly and it's like we've only spent like a day apart or something. i know it sounds stupidly cheesy and stuff but i'm so proud of her, she's one of the most hard working people i've ever met and i know she's always going to be in my life cos, well, she just has to be, that's love babes, that's love!

louise heyes -

"she's electric, she's in a family full of eccentrics..."

christ. if i was to go through all the stuff me and lou have witnessed together, well, that'd be special, thinking about it, it really does all sound made up cos it's so bizarre :') she is one of the most down to earth people i've ever met and i can talk to her for hours and hours about the most random stuff and then really serious *shrugs* it's quite a skill i guess! if i've got a problem at like, 3am, i know i can go to her, no questions asked and she's not the kind of person to just be like 'oh it'll all be okay, blah blah blahhh' she gives me proper, heartfelt advice and helps me through so much, in all honesty i think she's a bit of an inspirational person, she is fiercely loyal and will do anything for the people she really cares about and i count myself really lucky to be amongst those people. we're obsessed with coronation street, she stalks me like a son of a bitch and she's with child = THIS IS A BEEEEAUTIFUL COMBINATION!

catharine crowson -

"i refuse to regret, i'm so glad i met you..."

come on, on a list like this i couldn't exactly leave her out?! we've been through so much together and i know for an absolute certainty that i wouldn't be the person i am now without her and the influence she's had on me. when i look back in like, twenty years or something, she's going to be someone who comes to my mind instantly because she taught me so much, i won't say everything was perfect twenty four seven but i won't lie and say it was all bad because that would be so far from the truth, more often than not we were amazing and i'm so lucky to be able to say that. most people don't get the chance to meet someone like cat, someone who you can stay beside for however long and grow next to and learn from and all that kind of stuff but i am fortunate enough to say that i've had that, that's exactly what i had in her. some of my best memories have been created with her and that means so much to me, basically, when it comes down to it, an awful lot of the person i am now is based around her. i think i was quite bitter and angry about so much relating to us but all of that has kind of gone now and i'm so glad because i'm able to just view things differently, in a way that just makes me insanely grateful for everything we went through together and i hope that i'll always be able to call her my friend.

"sometimes i feel like saying lord i just don't care, but you've got the love i need to see me through..."

i could type and type and type and just never stop but i'll never, ever be able to explain the amount of love i have for each of these girls. they're not just my friends, they're my family. i would do anything for any of them and i hope they all know that. before i went to uni, loads of things were really up and down for me but each of them have changed that in their own ways. it's crazy how different we all are yet we all match up together so well. they've all made me look at things in a completely new way and i can't even put into words how much fun i've had over this past year and pretty much all of that is to do with them. i have absolutely no hesitation in saying that i'll be friends with emcakes, poll, rhi rhi, ems, nicnic, winnie and daniiboi for the rest of my life and i can't even explain how lucky that makes me feel.

i've been meaning to blog properly for aaages but well, i guess quite a lot's been going on? :) but yeah, the pure pressure off lou and rhia is becoming too much so yeah, i'm baaaaack, hah!

SO much has been going on -

there was the night out in manchester!

polly, nic nic and emily came to manchester and me and daniboi just, well, pottered into town and we went to opus and then stayed at a travelodge afterwards - HAH! i can't even begin to tell you how messy it was, i think the opening part of this kiiind of says it all! i ended up getting absolutely slaughtered, looking back now, i was more drunk than i realised at the time.

there was the whole maddie book/parking ticket fiasco, riding solo, the lemonade in the bathroom, coronation street, we saw cat and britt and all their group and stuff, absolute trip ups with fisher in 'THE INDIE ROOM', complete heart to hearts with emily in the toilet, the fact that she did not leave my side all night, pure love for my girls, "IF YOU EVER LOVE HER AGAIN WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS! NEVER BE FRIEND!" - pahahah!, me sitting in a big plant pot, urbisss, robbing the bar of the travelodge, pizza and cider at 4am in the lobby, screaming, putting your love is my drug (full blast) on at 5.30am and reception coming and knocking on (we were on like, the 6th floor so that's saying something!), me stripping in front of everyone then just passing out, the room being absolutely TRASHED, they took advantage of me when i was drunk, the little shits... woke up the next morning and thought i was dying. we went to nandos with winnie and my head nearly fell in my chicken, i did not finish that meal, christ on a bike, i feel sick just typing things about it, i think i'm gonna stop on that subject now - OVERALL, AMAAAAZING NIGHT WITH MY BEAUTS!

um, there was the oddest night ever with bat and fish head :')

basically, it was meant to be me, britt and james going to the gay village but somehow that ended up being me, britt and becky and the oddest night going, baring in mind this was the first time i'd ever met becky soberly, hah! even though she bugs me like a bitchhh on bbm but that's another story completely isn't it arr kid?! basically, it consisted of a mad dash round tesco, beverages of the alcoholic type, the parent trap on bigggg screen, that bastard slug with nine heads, porky pig, crazed giggling/in depth conversations, dominos pizza - effort, bathroom, attempting sleep - FAIL, thunderstorms, clear outs, "britt take me hoooome!" - me at 7am, sitting in the car on my road at 7.30am listening to the radio, hull, glossop, cheryl cole on tv, mcdonalds breakfast, driving around aimlessly having had no sleep :') it just kind of went on from that really, it was so random yet so lovely, topped it off the next day with watching spain win the world cup/trying not to fall asleep :')

mine and caz's strange adventures that always lead to fun mobile uploads -

LOVEBOX IN LONDON!

my lovely, lovely emily invited me to go to surrey for a long weekend at hers and i was kind of in two minds about going and stuff because of my nana lyn being in quite a bad way recently and not wanting to leave my dad alone managing the phone and whatever but then i just kind of thought, fuck it, i'm not allowing my summer to just go by in an uneventful blur (which my gosh, it's not looking that way at all nowww!) so yeah, booked myself a coach to london and got the hell out of manchester and had the most amaaazing weekend! we went to lovebox festival on friday 16th july which was just immense!

at the actual festival itself we sawwww - the midnight beast, a bit of chase and status, the maccabees, mystery jets, ellie goulding, ellie goulding, dizzee rascal, loads of random dj's, some strange columbian jazz band that i fell in love with, um, that's all i can remember off the top of my head?

it was such a chill, we just pottered around with our shitmix drinks, got pretty wasted, spoke to some randomers, stuck together as always, just bliss really. absolute bestests at it's finest if i'm being completely honest. the rest of the weekend was such a chill aswell, nuff love for casa de cotton! < 3

hmmm, what else?

one of my amazing best friends, lou, absolute blog stalker and all round bum guy, is pregnant, up the duff, has a bun in her over :D i couldn't be more excited for her and sammy babe (iloveyou.) if i tried, seriously, makes me want to be sick with general happiness really. *throws up a little bit* HELLO MARCH 8TH 2011. muahahahahahhhhh!