To Settle For…Or to Run Away?

After breaking up a six-year relationship, it’s being four years that I’ve been thinking and trying to convince myself that there is nothing like being a single LESBO in Lima-Perú.

I usually come and go around the city, walk slowly, with my hands in my pockets. Looking like a mess, unworried, with no rush or complications. I see the chicks I want (#TheyCaughtMyEye). I talk, I touch, I bite, I listen, I walk in and out but I always make it clear: my commitment issues are irretrievable. I am firmly convinced that this is not just a phase that will pass, as everyone says… is just that running away by the back door has become my lifestyle.

People always say: “you don’t find love, love finds you”. Nevertheless, being single has taught me that the saying is quite wrong. Love doesn’t find you or is something you have to look for (#OrAnything). It simply goes around (#SOB) like a hungry shark, in circles and slowly; like a hidden lion, on alert, when it finds a trusting and tasty deer because, when you least expect it, it suddenly attacks!!

(#YesiAmScrewed)

Two Mondays ago, for the twelfth time I was watching the train passing by in front of my window while I was drinking my addictive and inseparable tea, like every morning. Then, I wondered if to worship the perfect image of my almost canonized ex-girlfriend had reached unexpected and STUPID limits during this long time. Maybe it was time to close the book (#Burnit #Smashit) and move on.

All of a sudden, SHE appeared … just as if the universe had conspired in my favor, as if Afrodite had winked at me, as if I have had a stroke of luck, as if a shaman had used a guinea pig on me. The one I never had appeared.

____________________________________

I saw her for the first time eight years ago in a popular club back then.

I was wearing my new blue sneakers (#Wornthemout), tight jeans – with pockets on the sides-, a shirt that I must have left at any girl’s house, well combed and heavily perfumed. I went with five pals – now married, engaged or recovered, better said “on the right path” (#Amen) – who I have on Facebook and greet only on their birthday.

We came in the club ready to attack, to hunt, to hook up, to “look for someone” (#WhatElse?). After buying the mandatory mugs of something similar to beer – or at least that’s what we were told-, we did the typical “stroll around” the club TO SEE WHAT WE COULD FIND.

Suddenly, next to a giant resounding speaker surrounded by girls who looked alike, there she was, dancing with her eyes closed as if she wasn’t there. She was immersed in cigarette smoke, that smoke that used to wrap us up in every single club, which was the next day evidence for our parents to realize we were partying the night before (#OnlyGodKnowsWhatIdid).

Still, there she was like a perfect hologram, conspicuously and clumsily moving under the psychedelic lights that made her look like a rock star trying to go unnoticed.

I watched her blond hair swing, while it uncovered, for a few seconds, her teenage face – beautifully drawn like an anime from Sailor Moon or like came out from a teenager magazine.

I was amazed. I stared at her while holding my drink on the right hand, the one that stopped sensing until I heard the boos for having spilled the valuable liquid.

Looooook!(#AsIfFindingTheTreasure) – said a pale girl, from my group, with difficulty to pronounce the R, while pointing her skinny finger at this group of girls who looked like if they were from Villa María School. Well, she, the little inspiration of any fairy tale or any pedophile fantasy, studied there.

The eyes of my other four pals popped out when they saw these girls and all, at the same time, said: WOOOOW, HERE IT IS!

That night finally made sense.

Tactless but laughing, we approached directly to the group of ladies. We stood up next to them casually, very close, placing the many mugs of beer strategically in the middle, enough visible and crammed together so they know THE PARTY was there. They only had to look sideways to get free beer immediately.

As the night passed between joy and music from 90s, some girl from the group of ladies asked for a cigarette to the pale girl. Meanwhile, some other girl was pleasantly talking to the funniest girl of my group, who stuck out her tongue and winked at us even when the “prize” was miles away.

I was stunned, mesmerized… I was looking at the girl with the prettiest mouth than the drawn to Pinoccio. She staggered in the way to the restroom like ten times, at a time that she should be already at home.

Finally, when I was demoralized, the smoke cleared, the songs repeated and the excuse of the limited space didn’t work anymore, she approached. (#ThankYouGodFromNowOniwillBeHave)

In just one second of distraction, suddenly she appeared in front of me: clumsily dancing, looking so sweet, so cute, so everything. Along with her friends, and their drinks, there she was with her eyes more closed than before (as if there were levels).That was all I could see when I had her very near me.

I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. I realized that maybe my obvious insistence, when looking at her too much, could have caused a common game in which she, rebellious and chaotic, had come to show her self-confidence. While dancing, I remember thinking: SHE CAN WIN IF SHE WANTS!

The closeness between us became a thin line and, seconds from his mouth, I whispered: DO YOU WANNA GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK? She smiled, with the most impish smile I had ever seen. And, in a brief and sweet kiss, she disappeared as she came.

Some minutes later, with an “I’M THE WINNER, SUCKERS!” attitude, I went home still with her scent of cinnamon and sweet drink in my mouth.

A few months after, I came across her in a different club, bigger and more popular. She was more serious, kind of sourly, all dressed in black, sitting on a couch, surrounded by the same girls, sharply outlined with dark eyeshadow, with a colorful drink on her hand in which she was wearing a thick leather bracelet.

WHAT COULD I SAY TO HER?

I was with someone else at the time and I promised to arrive early. Therefore, I looked at her as if it was for the last time. I left, thinking of her on my way back home, imagining what I could have said.

Fate works in mysterious ways and it is joker. It loves laughing at our expense and I like how it surely enjoys playing pranks.

Years later, thanks to my dear jester, we became friends who chatted endlessly until midnight. I was her diary, or a sort of confidant who listened to her failed love story. I was her favorite pillow to cry or to talk about music and movies. I was her undeniable faithful friend for the weekends – for some time.

Then again, she disappeared as she came because of my obsession for honesty and her lack of willingness to my way of saying things.

Several years later, when retrieving friends became popular, she returned but this time I could see her smiling as she did before, beautiful, staring at me, with familiar gestures, in a chiaroscuro delightfully shaded by her shadow beneath my sheets.

I could not believe it. She was there, with me, closing her eyes and mouth, that mouth.

Within this ephemeral moment, seeing her caramel-colored eyes, I realized my two options: TO SETTLE FOR a possible half happiness because I felt that I wouldn’t find in her what I was looking for considering that I couldn’t replace the memory of this other girl that after all these years I cannot forget. Or… TO RUN AWAY (#AsUsual).

Once again, fate gave me what I wanted right in front of me but with conditions in exchange.

Marianella studied in Cayetano Heredia University and Lima University.She is a musical composer, a visual artist by vocation, a publicist by profession and Founder at "It Gets Better Perú".

Miss Castro is also the protagonist of the lesbian mini-series "Buscando té", this inspired her own blog of the same name. For this blog she tell the adventures of a single lesbian afraid of commitment, who decides to search for love.

Marianella is also the general producer of the first Latin American LGBTI channel called "La Mezcla" made in Perú.

Related Posts

The San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus has announced that is launching its own LGBTQ Arts Center. The Chorus has taken over a $9.6 M, 1930 art deco building at Valencia Street. It will be the first time that the Chorus will hold a permanent resident. The SF Gay Men’s Chorus is arguably the most famous gay choir in […]

“OUTCAST” is VELO’s first Bilingual full-length album. VELO, a Latinx queer Producer and Artist seen at Gay Pride events throughout the west coast & more, delivers a real Star-Studded follow up to “CRUZIN” with strong club bangers and seamlessly melds Latin Trap elements with Dance to create a fresh and modern sound geared towards […]

It’s no secret that condom use among gay and bisexual men has been declining for some time. One of the reasons will be the knowledge, thanks to research, that men who are on a variety of HIV drugs are much less likely to pass the virus on during sex. However, a recent study, published in […]

Palm Springs native, King Blandon is releasing his debut album next November 1st. One of the album songs titled “Suck It!” is considered a Gay Pride Anthem and it is the leading single off of a 10 track album. It will debut live on October 28th, at Hunter’s Night Club in Palm Springs. It’s just prior […]

Have you ever heard of the things people say to lesbian women? I swear it’s like some people don’t understand that women are allowed to date other women and we’re also allowed to date other women without the stereotypes. It does get annoying when you have constant questions get asked about a simple relationship. […]

It took a lot for me to realize I was interested in women. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I found women attractive and I wanted to start a relationship with a woman and I knew I couldn’t ignore the curiosity I had surrounding women and I came […]

Lesbian Love Anthem Singer & Songwriter Frida Modén Treichl released her debut single “Amazon of Wonder” on this past week. The song is a tribute to Frida’s bisexual awakening and her love for her Amazon. A pop song with a strong dance beat and live strings. ”There can never be to many lesbian love […]

Now that the #WorldCup 2018 is about to end, it came to my mind why we continue to support men more than women in soccer. Actually, this happens in most of the sports and I decided to look for the top 10 players that female soccer has had around the world. Do not forget that […]

Father’s Day celebrations took place yesterday worldwide and we just got too emotional when this video-campaign from Axel Hotels came across our way. The video shows two homoparental fathers with their little one celebrating Father’s Day. Many people in the gay community consider that they may not become the best parents ever, myself included, especially […]

Well everyone let’s do this… I’m Juan De La Torre, Some people think I’m extremely young but no, I’m 26 years old.. damn almost 30!!. I’m half brazilian half Ecuadorian and I been living in the greatest city of the world, NYC for almost 4 years. Yes, yes and yes, everything that you see, hear […]

Since 2008, every April 26th, the lesbian visibility day is celebrated around the world in order to demand equal rights for all lesbians. This movement was born from the LGBT movements in Spain as part of their visibility activities, based on the position lesbians were having in society and public spaces. As the years […]

Dutch athlete Ireen Wust won her fifth gold medal in the 1500 meters speed ice-skating at the 2018 Winter Olympics Games, summing up a total of 10 medals in her record. At 31 years old, she is still the speed goddess at the Winter Olympics, leading a golden road path from Turin 2006, Vancouver […]

Figure skater superstar Adam Rippon and sexy skier Gus Kenworthy broke social media over the weekend by posting a cute picture of themselves showing love to each other and proudly showing off as the two first openly gay U.S. athletes to participate at the Winter Olympic Games currently being held in Pyeong Chang, South Korea. The pair even shared […]

The title ” For The Time Being “ is a metaphor for the underlying message of this story. According to the film’s director and writer, Daniela Lucati, she wanted to talk about the present, about the choices that the main character Roman, makes for the very present and not for an unconscious closest future. She […]

Shortly before Tuesday’s midnght, local time, the Australian gay athletes Craig Burns and Luke Sullivan got married and they now belong to the first same-sex Australian couples to excercise and celebrate the recently approved same-sex marriage legislation. The wedding took place at a cute countryside property in South New Wales, and they were joined by […]

Whenever the media talks about homophobia in football, they focus on players coming out. Coming out is always an individual choice. But without doubt, it’s made easier when people know there’s support. The #ComeOut2Play initiative is a Thunderclap campaign where a short, simple message is simultaneously sent to all the social media friends and followers […]

Christmas holidays are just a couple of weeks away and if you are looking for a cute, personal and fun present for those who you care the most, then here it is the best Xmas gift ever: Celebrate Condoms! A new & fabulous rainbow stripped condom to show off your true colours! Traditionally condoms have […]

Great news for the LGBT community in Spain! Barcelona has become the first European city with a community center specialized on PREP. . Although PREP hasn’t been approved in Spain yet, the organization BCN Checkpoint has worked really hard to make this a reality. Their main objective will be, working towards the popularization of PrEP […]

The 2017 Official PAPA’S WORLD VIDEO by PAPA PARTY founder Eliad Cohen was released today on social media. This incredible master beat video counts with the collaboration of international music star Nikki and the production of DJ Oscar Velazquez and DJ Suri. Check it out! Founded by Eliad Cohen in 2010 during Tel Aviv Pride, […]

From November the 1st till the 7th you can experience one of the most exciting Halloween thematic festival around the world hosted by the best LGBT venue in Colombia: EL MOZO BOGOTA. EL MOZO Halloween Fest comes bigger than ever this year with a full and groundbreaking program with the best brands of the international circuit […]

“First-True-Last”, a very unique story filmed and produced in a country where there are no rights or protections for the LGBTI community. It was recently screened at the Barcelona International LGTIB Film Festival, the Cape Town International Film Market and Festival, and this upcoming month of November at Festival Icaro in Guatemala. “First-True-Last” is a […]

CheapUndies just released a Halloween video that is super fun and cute! In the video the underwear models are carving pumpkins, making s’mores, and then they play Halloween charades. There is a surprise at the end, but we don’t want to spoil it, so watch it for yourself! Suddenly, we are in the Halloweenie spirit! […]

Halloween is almost here, so we wanted to give you some fun suggestions for gay Halloween costumes! Check out the costumes below and log into MOOVZ and share your favorite Halloween costumes under #halloween 13. Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast: He’s so damn adorable and you can be too! 12. Wonder Woman: […]

There is a new gay couple on YouTube that has stirred up quite a reaction from the community. Their names are Wyo and Russ and their channel name is wyo russ on YouTube. They recently uploaded a video titled “Story Time: How We Met! He’s Older Than My Parents! (28 Year Age Gap)” […]

Moovz recently came across a photo project out of Israel explores gender and androgyny in a creative way. Lee-shay is a 26 years old actress and a dancer who lives in Azor ,Israel. Lee-Shay told Moovz: “In each and every part of my life, I felt that I was connected to both my feminine and […]

Sam Smith seems to always have a sad love story to sing about , but fans are hoping his luck in love has changed, thanks to some photos of the singer kissing an actor from the popular Netflix series “13 Reasons Why.” Smith and 23-year-old actor Brandon Flynn were spotted holding hands, kissing, and looking like […]

Lance Bass tweeted after realizing gay men are still not allowed to donate blood. Bass wanted to give blood after the Las Vegas tragedy, but is not allowed to because of his sexual orientation. He tweeted: ‘How is it STILL illegal for gays to donate blood??!! I want to donate and I’m not allowed.’ It […]

Will & Grace returned to NBC on Thursday night with over 10 million viewers! That is really incredible considering the last episode was 11 years ago and if you compare these ratings to those from its original iteration would be unkind and absurd, it can really be judged by today’s standards. And by those, it was […]

Here are 10 questions about love and sex for for gay boys who need answers! “Bottoming is like getting your ears pierced, you have to leave the earrings in so that the hole doesn’t close up.” Well…that’s an interesting way to look at it! LOL Enjoy the full video below and feel free to […]

You alway see articles online that give information for gay men on safe sex, but you rarely see anything about lesbian safe sex. YouTube stars Bria and Chrissy are here to give all of you the low down. Check out the video below and speaking of lesbians, we have lots of them on MOOVZ! […]

ABOUT US

Moovz enables freedom! With over 300m interactions and 100m posts and comments, Moovz is empowering individuals to share their lives, thoughts, stories through relevant content. Thousands of LGBT people join Moovz everyday and it is the only LGBT app and blog based on social interaction and content that matters to the community.