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Monday, July 23, 2012

Humor Egyptian Style

A female hostess and "producer"
get physically attacked, furniture gets overturned, actors say "I hate
the Jews to death," and a great laugh is had by all as the program
proudly shows off what they call Egyptian "patriotism."

Here is the transcript:

Interviewer Iman Mubarak: We have a phone call… Hello…

Voice:
Mr. Tuhami, we love and respect you. We love your works and enjoy your
movies, but I cannot believe what I am seeing. We used to love you, but
when we see you on such a TV channel – a dubious Israeli TV channel…
Shame on you!

Iman Mubarak: The call has been cut off. You may call again…

Dear viewers, let’s take a short break, before we resume our show, “With the Other,” from Cairo.

[Turning to Ayman Kandeel] What?

Ayman Kandeel “Tuhami”: Was that sister Palestinian, Egyptian, or what?

Iman Mubarak: I can’t tell her nationality, but the call was cut off.

Ayman Kandeel: I heard her say that this is an Israeli channel. Is this an Israeli channel?

Iman Mubarak: The production didn’t tell you that this is an Israeli channel?

Ayman Kandeel: No.

[…]

Production member Amr ‘Alaa enters

Amr ‘Alaa: What is the problem?

Ayman Kandeel: May I ask who you are?

Amr ‘Alaa: I am an Israeli. You are talking about weapons… You are a comedian. You ought to be talking about comedy, not about weapons.

Ayman Kandeel: Fine, fine.

Amr ‘Alaa: Am I standing here, pointing a gun at your face?

Ayman Kandeel: No, you didn’t point a gun at me, and you can’t. You are trying to provoke me, but I am calm.

Amr ‘Alaa: I’m trying to make peace, so how can you say that I’m provoking you?

Ayman Kandeel: Peace was decided on by the governments, but we, the people, have different criteria. You are feeling so mad that you…

Amr ‘Alaa: That’s because I understand that you do not want to reach a solution…

Ayman Kandeel: Man, nobody can provoke me.

Amr ‘Alaa: I don’t want to provoke you. I want to reach a solution with you.

Ayman Kandeel: The solution, my dear boy, is that you go to the doctor to get treatment…

Iman Mubarak: What does that mean?

Ayman Kandeel: It means that you are all sick. It’s better that we talk about it on the air.

Amr ‘Alaa: We are off the air now.

Ayman Kandeel: No, I’d like to talk on the air.

Amr ‘Alaa:
Are the sick people those who try to make peace, or those who go around
carrying guns? Are you denying that you have a gun in your pocket?

Ayman Kandeel: Yes, I have a gun.

Amr ‘Alaa: Why? What are you afraid of?

Ayman Kandeel: I’ll tell you what I’m afraid of. Of some scumbag trying to attack me.

Ayman Kandeel:
May God grant us good fortune. There was a phone call, which everybody
heard, in which it was claimed that this show is being aired on Israeli
TV. It doesn’t matter to me what TV station this is, but I came to a
show that is being filmed in Egypt, on a TV channel that you said was
German…

Iman Mubarak: We never said that this was a German channel.

Ayman Kandeel: When the producer called me…

Iman Mubarak: I’m sure you didn’t hear it properly…

Ayman Kandeel: No, my hearing is just fine. You people deceive and lie…

Iman Mubarak: Sir, you cannot level such accusations against us. Sir, the reactions on Israeli social media pages…

Ayman Kandeel [losing his temper]:
F$@# the social media pages! I cam to an interview on an Egyptian TV
channel. Then it turns out that this is an Israeli TV channel, and you
bring in someone who got on my nerves. He is standing right there, let’s
see him come in and talk to me.

Amr ‘Alaa enters the studio

Amr ‘Alaa: This is my channel. I am never afraid. It is you who are afraid, and that is why you are carrying a gun.

Ayman Kandeel: I don’t have a gun.

Amr ‘Alaa: You don’t have a gun?!

Ayman Kandeel:
In order to use my gun against you, I need to feel that you are worth
something. But let me tell you what I can do. You stand right here.
Relax.

Ayman Kandeel slaps Amr ‘Alaa and shoves him

You son-of-a-@$#! You’re making fun of me?

Ayman Kandeel slaps Iman Mubarak

You b#@ch! What, you sons-of-b#!@&$? To hell with #%$, you sons-of-b#!@&$!

You sons-of-b#!@&$!

Production member: Stop! We’re just kidding with you.

Ayman Kandeel: You say you are Egyptians?! Are you kidding me?! F%@$ you!

Production member: Ayman, please… It’s a prank. Shame on you for hitting a woman.

Iman Mubarak: Dear viewers, we’ll take a short break, before we return with [actress] Mayar Al-Beblawi.

[…]

Mayar Al-Beblawi: In that country [Israel], they are all liars. You wouldn’t believe it. They are real liars. They keep whining all the time about the Holocaust, or whatever it’s called. With all the Palestinians that you have killed, you are still whining about the Holocaust and its lousy figures?!

[…]

These people sawed off [the head] of John the Baptist. They are the slayers of the prophets, what else can we say about them?

Iman Mubarak: You’ve got it wrong, They are the Chosen People…

Mayar Al-Beblawi: The Chosen People?! Allah did not curse the worm and the moth as much as he cursed the Jews.

[…]

[The caller] said that this was an Israeli channel?!

Iman Mubarak: You are indeed on an Israeli channel. This is Channel 2 from Israel.

Mayar Al-Beblawi: No, I came for an interview with a German channel.

Iman Mubarak: No. The producer told you that this was an Israeli channel, and you agreed.

Amr ‘Alaa: There’s no problem. Let’s move on.

Mayar Al-Beblawi: What do you mean, “no problem”? What do you mean, “Let’s move on”?

Iman Mubarak: Let’s complete the interview.

Mayar Al-Beblawi: I’d like to know what channel this is.

Iman Mubarak: You knew right from the beginning that this was Channel 2… Shalom, shalom…