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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It’s a rainy day today and I’m not sure why but it’s making me feel rather blue. I usually like the rain but today it’s giving me too much time to think. Its been a long road to get where I am today and I normally don’t share too much of that with anyone but for some reason I feel like sharing today. I think I’ll blame it on the rain.

You see, I’ve spent the last four years of my life in and out of courtrooms being accused of the most insane allegations you could ever imagine. No, I’m not in trouble with the law and I never have been. The allegations stem from my ex-husband, who you have to realize, didn’t want a divorce. To put it simply, I was a battered woman. That sounds so cliche to me for some reason. Even though I type those words and know they are true, I still can’t convince myself that I was in fact a battered woman. Not me! Sure, things got rough and I even have a few broken bones to remind me but how could I be a battered woman? I’m sure there are others out there who know exactly how I feel but if you’ve never experienced it for yourself, I’m not sure you can relate. To be completely honest, I’m not sure that I will ever be able to call myself a battered woman without feeling a pang of shame for some reason. It may be stupid of me to feel that way but I can’t help it.

I’m not going to go completely into how it all came to be but trust me when I say that he was never like this from the beginning. I had no way of knowing that things would end up the way that they did. How could I have known? How does anyone ever know? It just did and I felt trapped with no way to change the course of things. At first I was under the impression that if you can make it past the five year mark in your marriage, things would get better....or so the saying goes. I can assure you that this saying is totally incorrect and if you find yourself in a situation like this, get out as soon as you can! Things won’t get better and it’s highly unlikely that he will change. I know because I’ve heard the promises and apologies first hand. I had to realize for myself that I deserved better than this. That my life was more important than to spend it like this. Yes, I was told by many people that I should leave but it really didn’t matter how many people told me this. I had to make the decision for myself. No one else could do it for me. Maybe I was too stubborn to admit that my marriage had failed or maybe I was just too damn stubborn all around but I do know that the more I was told to leave, the more determined it made me to make things work out. I know now how dumb that sounds but it’s true. That’s just the place I was in at that time in my life. The worst part of it was the main question everyone couldn’t wait to ask. "Why did you stay?" While this is a good question, I can’t answer it and no one every placed the blame where it belonged and asked him, "Why did you do this?" Why was I the one berated with questions of "Why" when he wasn’t? Why did he get off so easy? Sure, he was an upstanding and wonderful addition to society in the public eye but everything changed as soon as the door closed at home. It truly was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That’s the only way I can explain it. Even my sister-in-law, who I’m not so fond of anymore, literally thought I was lying to her. Her exact words were, "Are you sure?" What the fuck kind of question is that? How could I have not been sure? For me, that question only fueled the belief that what he had said was true. "No one will believe you." Well, you know what? They did believe me and still do! It was one hell of a fight that lasted practically four years but I won. I’m living proof that he was wrong. To be honest though, I really did expect to fail and it was such a huge victory for me when I didn’t. I really can’t explain the feeling that this victory brought about in me either. It was just undescribable. Oh, and all of the allegations he made against me, no one believed him! It’s almost like he tried to turn a divorce trial into a criminal trial. Seriously, you name it and he accused me of it. There’s nothing you can imagine that wasn’t alleged against me by him. You know who wound up being thrown into jail though? Him! I can just imagine his disgust when they hauled him off. If you ask me though, it was just another small victory for me.

Oddly enough, I met the love of my life during my four years in hell. It was such a huge shock to me too. I had sworn off any kind of relationships because I didn’t want to deal with one anymore. I had screwed up so bad the first time around anyway, why would I ever want to try again? Well, I didn’t want to but life has this funny way of proving you wrong when you least expect it. I met him through a mutual acquaintance and while I didn’t want to be left in the same room alone with him at first, we hit it off and he was just so oddly familiar to me. He set up these sort of "group" outings and dinners with a friend of ours because he was attracted to me too. So yeah, even though I was rather standoffish and not looking to commit to anything at that point, he gently pursued me to the point that he won me over. Don’t get me wrong, he hadn’t completely won me over because something in me had changed. I literally put him through hell trying to push him away. I wanted to make him leave and not want anything to do with me because I didn’t ever want to feel so weak again. I would even do things just to piss him off to see how violent he would become. You know what though? He knew what I was doing and it was killing him a little to see me so desperately trying to push him away. I have no idea what he ever saw in me or what he still sees today but he learned how to handle me and my emotions. He never left my side since then and has never wanted to. I can’t tell you why unless he’s just crazy but I’m so glad! There was even a point where I would just go to him after a court hearing and cry in his arms. No words, just sobs of pain that needed to come out. He was there for me like no one ever has been before and I can’t see myself without him now. The best part of it is, he’s never laid a hand on me unless I wanted him to. He’s just that awesome!

Even though I am now happier than I ever have been, I still have pain that surfaces time and again. I will probably never be as carefree as I once was but I’m getting there slowly. The fact that I know there is someone out there who would kill me if they could get away with it shakes me sometimes. I have this constant fear that one day he will pull up behind me when I’m out and take all of my happiness away. I know it’s irrational to think this way but that is my biggest fear. That one day, he’ll catch up to me and take away everything that I care about to get back at me for leaving him.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

When we discovered that the wonderful Babeland, seller of all things sexual, had an exciting exclusive called the Grip, we could hardly contain our excitement! Our excitement was doubled when we learned that we would be able to review it for them! Hubby couldn’t wait to get this toy in his hands and loved its motorcycle grip looks. It is definitely a very manly looking piece and its black color adds to that manly appeal. It really does look like a motorcycle grip and it is even textured as such to provide a sort of non-slip feature.

It arrived very discreetly in a plain, brown shipping box from Babeland and my initial reaction when it was pulled free of this packaging was, “finally!” You see, there is not a lot of wasteful packaging that goes into the trash with this product. Of all the toys we’ve tried thus far, I believe this one has got the least possible amount of packaging ever! I consider that to be a very, very good thing especially for the environment. Way to go Babeland! We love you!

I played around with the Grip some because hubby was not home when it arrived and I just couldn’t wait to watch him try it out. I personally found it to be a bit too stiff. While it would stretch some, it didn’t stretch much or very easily. I decided to finger the Grip and see how that felt on my fingers. To my surprise, the ridges inside are very pronounced and easily felt. I didn’t know if it was going to prove to be too much sensation for him or not because he does lean toward the softer materials for his pleasure. Don’t get me wrong here, the Grip is not hard by any means. It’s made from 100% silicone and it’s flexible with a velvety finish but silicone is not always the best stretcher. At this point, I decided to put the Grip away and wait for hubby to give it a try himself.

When hubby arrived home, I hurried to tell him about his new Grip and wanted to start playing immediately! Of course, that really wasn’t possible for us considering that we have three kids but, I really wanted to. Unfortunately we were going to have to wait for the kids to go to bed. By then, we were so tired we could hardly stay awake. We did end up having sex, as we do most nights before bed, but we didn’t manage to give the Grip a try. Little did I know, it was going to go on like this for a couple of weeks. Sometimes we just get stuck in a rut and there doesn’t seem to be enough time in a day for us but, I finally had to put my foot down! I wanted more action in the bedroom for both of us and I was going to get it!

The next night, the kids were sent to bed early to ensure some extra playtime for ourselves! I led hubby into the bedroom and then proceeded to pull his pants down and fellate him. When I had him good and aroused, I presented him with the Grip. Since it’s made from 100% silicone, we made sure to use a water based lube to get things slippery. He then was able to ease his engorged cock into the Grip sleeve. He expressed that it was a very tight fit, even for his average size, so those who are blessed with much thicker cocks may have a problem getting inside. When he began stroking, he was pleased to discover that he could cover the open end to create suction. Of course he wasn’t able to be fully inserted when he did this because it’s only 4 3/4" long but he still expressed enjoyment. He did complain that the ridges were too pronounced for him though. He had to make sure to keep everything lubed up really well or the ridges would chafe him somewhat and he didn’t appreciate that too much. Consecutive uses yielded the same results for him so it turned out that it just isn’t his thing.

All in all, it’s a great product, it just didn’t work out to its fullest potential with us. While we’re sure others out there will have better luck with this one, it probably won’t get much use in our bedroom.

Just a reminder, make sure to only use water based lubes with the Grip because it’s 100% silicone but, it is phthalate free too! You can even share it if you want to. Just make sure to boil it afterwards to be on the safe side. That’s pretty much it! Have fun and make sure to check out the other fun toys available at Babeland or to purchase your own Grip today!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Well, vacation sucked. I expected it would just from watching the news to see what the weather was going to be like. Our original plan was to stay home this year and dig a foundation to add on a new bedroom. Well, it rained.....and rained.....and then rained some more so, it was a no go. I mean, sure, we could have went ahead and dug out the foundation but it would have inevitably filled up with water that would then have to be pumped out. I guess we will have to resolve to doing it on days off. Boo!

My Mom seems to finally be settling into her Cherokee we bought for her though. At least that's a good thing! She's been going over it with a fine toothed comb every time she drives it with the intention of finding something wrong. The biggest thing she has found wrong with it and complained loudly to me about was that she couldn't get it to shift into gear. Of course, to most people this would probably be a bad thing but my Mom just isn't used to newer technology at all! I listened to her spiel about how it needed a new transmission because it was broke as well as the fact that it had to be because she couldn't shift it! Considering the fact that she had just driven it to my house with no problems meant nothing to her. I calmly told her it was just fine as she protested that it wasn't. She asked me just what the hell was wrong with it then and I calmly explained to her that you have to push the brake pedal or it won't shift! Yes, Mom, your Cherokee will not shift into gear unless you press down on the brake pedal! Go figure! I then watched her stomp out to her Cherokee, climb inside and stomp on the brake pedal. It shifted effortlessly into gear. This is where my Mom apologized and explained that she hadn't noticed before. Of course, that's okay Mom. I understand. I really, really do. I also still love you just please, drive it! It will be okay!

With all of the rainy weather going on and the stresses of Mom as well as not being able to start on our new bedroom, I needed comfort from my partner. His arms around me taking me into the bedroom always smooths everything over. In the bedroom, it's just me and him and nothing else matters. In there, in his arms, I don't care what others think of me or what they have against me. I don't care about what time it is, how much laundry is left to do or who I've offended in some way today. It's almost like time stands still and it always has for us. Just us, mingling together and melding into one. It's a beautiful thing and I look forward to it everyday! I can't wait for him to get home from work!