No Matter What

Chapter 6: Past

It had been almost three months since Alex and I broke up. He hadn’t called me since the breakup, probably because we both needed space and he knew that. Several times, I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I didn’t I was afraid I would end up taking him back.
So I waited. This week was different than the rest. He called nonstop, and today, multiple times per minute.
Summer had called yesterday, but I still hated her for what she did to me. I know she was drunk that night, but still, she was my best friend. Best friends don’t do that.
When she called, I clicked the ignore button and returned to my homework. I had an essay for my government class that has to be done by tomorrow. I didn’t have time to waste on listening to apologies.
I heard wind howl outside. The snow was blowing around and the roads were icy, so I decided to stay in all weekend.
It was getting late, and my parents were away to one of my father’s yearly work trips. Of course my mom would call me every night at exactly nine thirty to make sure I was okay.
“Are you okay there? Did you find something for dinner?” She asked.
“Yes mom. Everything’s fine here.”
“Just don’t go outside unless you have to, I heard there’s a lot of car accidents out there.”
“Got it mom,” I insisted.
“Be careful, we’ll be home soon.”
“I will, bye mom.” I hung up and got ready for bed. The next morning I heard someone talking on the phone and then hang up. I knew it wasn’t my parents, and the voice sounded dreadfully familiar. I walked up stairs and spotted Alex sitting as the kitchen table. He wasn’t doing anything, just sitting there.
“What are you doing here?” I stammered.
Alex turned around and I noticed his eyes were exhausted. “Jess, I’m so sorry.”
I thought he was going to cry for a minute.
“What’s going on Alex?” I was so mad, I really wanted him out. “How did you get in here?”
He stood up and walked over to me, sure enough his eyes were watery.
“I’ll call the police,” I warned.
“Jess, don’t.”
“Then get the hell out of my house!”
He walked even closer to me, “Jessica stop!” He yelled.
He had never yelled at me before and now that he has, it makes me feel like a child getting scolded.
“Sit down.” He ordered. I did as he told me to do.
“What’s going on?” I asked again.
He looked at me with sympathy, “Jess, you need to be strong for what I’m about to tell you.” A tear was sliding down his cheek which made me uncomfortable.
“Jessica, Summer was on her way here to apologize to you and her car flipped on a sheet of ice.”
I felt a rush of emotions flew through me, “What hospital is she in? Can I go see her? Is she okay? How-”
“Jess, Summer isn’t in a hospital, she was killed in the accident. She was already dead when they found her.”
“No.” I was crying with anger, “NO!”
“Jess, I’m sorry.” He grabbed me and pulled me into an embrace, I let him.
“She’s not dead. She can’t be. She called me last night.” I insisted.
“Jessica.” Alex murmured.
“It’s my fault, I didn’t answer her call and she died because of me!” I was crying hysterically into Alex’s chest. “It’s my fault she’s dead!”
“No it’s not Jess, you didn’t do it.” He told me. “It’s not your fault.”
He held me for hours as I cried it out. Eventually I fell asleep in his arms and when I woke up I was in his arms still, and we were in my bed.
“Alex.” I noticed he was sleeping too.
I turned around so I could face him and watched him slowly wake up.
When he completely came aware, he started moving, “Sorry, I’ll go.”
“No.” He stopped. Alex just stared into my eyes.
“Jess-” He started.
I could feel another set of tears fall. “Alex, make me forget.”
He continued to stare, and then he wiped a tear from my face.
“Please.” I climbed over on his lap and breathed in his scent.
He took my face in his hands, “This won’t mean a thing, we’ll forget about it after this.”
“I promise.” I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him carefully.
He pulled me back down on the bed and kissed me back with everything he had.
All of our emotions poured out of us and we collapsed into each other’s need. We forgot time and we forgot all the things surrounding us. I didn’t feel the pain in my heart anymore, and I certainly didn’t remember anything from the last few hours.
I felt Alex’s body press against me more as we fell deeper into the moment. My Legs were wrapped around his waist while he pulled me down onto the mattress. The way he was so gentle with me made me forget why I had ever let him go, it was as if nothing in the past had happened before. He hadn’t taken his hands off the small of my back, so when he let go I thought he was changing his mind. I opened my eyes and saw him take off his shirt. His body stunned me. I knew what I wanted, so I took my shirt off too, then my pants.
He grabbed my waist and pulled me close again. I managed to reach down and unbuckle his pants. There was only a thin layer of fabric between us now.
I kissed him harder as he let out a soft moan. He slid his hand higher onto my bra hook. I let him take it off as I had my fingers entwined in his hair.
As we got closer, I helped him undress the rest of our clothes. He got a condom without taking his lips off mine. He put it on and we were closer than ever.
I knew we weren’t going to ruin the moment with talking, so we just watched each other afterwards. We waited for each other’s reaction. Even though this was the first time for both of us, we stayed quiet. I know we both had never thought it would happen like this let alone the two of us. Alex just watched me carefully. He took my palm and kissed it.
He stayed until later that night. He helped me with keeping calm as I told my mom, and he soothed me as I fell asleep. His arms were around me, pulling me closer and not knowing how long this was going to last. We both knew that this would be a one-time thing, and we knew that this didn’t mean we were getting back together. We just let our emotions get too far ahead of us.
I eventually fell asleep that night, but woke up in grief again. Alex was gone, but he had left a note for me: Jessica- I know we’re not together just because of what happened, but I want to let you know that I still love you. I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t. I’m really sorry I left, but I knew we needed time to ourselves to cope with what happened, and I know you need your space. Maybe in a year from now we’ll be able to look past everything and move on. Just know that last night wasn’t a mistake for me, and I hope not for you either. I will love you no matter what, and know that you never have to worry about being alone. I’m always here.
Truly yours forever,
Alex P.S. Breakfast is on the table, no coffee, I promise.
I had to laugh at that comment. It wasn’t really a moment for that, but I knew he meant for me to. *****
I never did go to Summer’s funeral because I was afraid of what she would think of me if I went considering my last words to her.