fly time, fly!

I'm so bored. Good news is my group throw together a calamined board on how " I rub people the wrong way" because of the post I leave. I think they all have lives and don't understand what it's like to be broke with rug rats. It's the park or this, and today is gloomy, so here I am, typing my thoughts and points on a warm key board. A simple conversation, communicating is a craving people often over look. For years my thoughts, feelings, and emotions have been repressed. Could cry because it was weak and pointless, couldn't ask questions because they annoyed, and couldn't request a sparing of my heart- that was pure control. People say it all the time: I want someone honest, I want someone loyal, I want someone who is strong but emotional. Well, here I am, yet I still stand alone. My ex took my forgiving nature as a good enough reason to run around. My mom tossed me aside because I didn't follow suit with her plans. I'm tired, tattered, and torn. I'm not going to change my morals to satisfy they're demons. Being honest and loyal actually takes less work than cheating and lying. You figure if you take all the sneaking around, figuring out the alibis, and the act it's self- your spending twice as much time than if you were just honest. No body really wants it. It's like nice guys that are lonely as I, but search for the other women. For the most part I've been honest with my fellow group. Image is everything- but I'll cross that when I get there. This cool weather is a bit depressing. Love my kids, but they're not mentally stimulating yet...they'll be at that point soon enough. My ex works nights, so during the day I have to keep the kids and the rest of the envirerment quite, so blogs,logs, and IMs are my best friends. Of course my mom gets tired of me calling her at work. She's the only one I can talk to in my net work and not be charged. (My mom pays for my phone, so I have to be careful with my out going calls). I wish I had a place to paint. I've been dying to paint my "Moon light woman." for two years now. As soon as I get some money I want to paint her- make her alive! I want people to see her as I do in my head. Of course I need 100's of dollars, but the point can be taken. IF I could afford my art and photography again, maybe then I can go out to the world, embrace it for all it's glory! I can't wait for school to start...my brain is starving for stimulation.

Taking pictures is always fun, I to use to take lots of them for a dance group. But have lost my want to take many of them now days because of no one who enjoys doing them with me. Sure it seems we all are running short on the all mity $$$. But then we all can work to get by. But if we don't look forward to what our next step is we can not ever get there! Partents sometime look at there kids and think they should do as they day, but never realize that their off springs have their rights to live their life as they see fit. To some partents never seem to want to let go of the kids. Other parents throw out their kids long before they are ready to leave. You mom pays your phone bill, try not having anyone to pay anything but yourself. Then you will know its not all that easy. Yes being honest with everyone even yourself is best! Not many people are now days. As for your painting and photography, you can do these thing even I get a chance to now and then. Just not like I use to. You say your X is sleeping during the day so you must be quiet, so if he's your X how come he still in the same house? (You can alway ask me questions and get a reply to them. I may not always have the right answer but still there are things you may get out of them.) Just understand my asking you out isn't alway what it may seem to you. Hope you have better days!

I have to get something clear. For the most part, I've been taking care of myself since I was 15 because my mom thought I was an adult. I use to work at Six flags, 18 hours a day 6 days a week. I paid rent, bough school supplies, paid bills, vet bills, you name it... I even paid a few of my mom's car payments plus mortgage. So it's not that I don't know the value of a dollar or hard earned work. I've always been able to care for my self, but now since my pregnancy with my son was a bit dangerous, I was unable to work. For the first time in my life I'm finacally retarded. Here I have two kids and I can't even buy them diapers or pay for a freaking' 10 dollar phone bill. It's a real ego buster knowing your stagnant. Just sitting there molding and dying. Having desires, dreams, wants that are only a few feet away> it's enough to drive a girl mad! I feel it, taste it...my greats future of Independence is just around the corner and then relying on others will be a thing of the past. I've never liked relying on other people because 8 times out of ten they let you down, or screw you over. Often times, like my mom, when people offer their help it comes with conditions and the unwritten contract of," You owe me, or I own you." I'm tired of it. When can a helping hand be just that? I hold not power of theses I help. I don't expect them to do any favors because it just that. From one heart to another. People are aways concerned about what they can or are getting out of the situation and how it can better them, while in the mean time the person 'of need' is being broken down, trashed, and degraded by theses who hold their hands. Pearl Jam says it best in "Daughter..." "She holds the hand that holds her down." Word for word, children and loved ones follow this. The hold on to something that doesn't allow them to advance whither thats the person's fault or the hands. Wow, I don't know where that came from...humm, maybe therapy is needed.

Well your right on the helping hand, as most seem to alway want something back when they are reaching out to the one in need. Be it that they want you to give back as much as you get. I go with this problem every day. I hire my son to help me do my work. He has been in it for 15 years, both work with me and for others. He knows people we work for are slow paying which put a hardship on us till we get paid. But he knows to if I know someone who needs something for their kids and I have it to give that they are going to get it. I had a young lady working with me over the winter months this past year and she made good money, she to had a 2 year old son. Single parent, trying to make it on her own. Well I give her xtra on somedays and then when things really start getting busy she walked out, I ended up turning down work because of no helper. I wasn't asking her back for the xtra she got as she wa still getting her money every week. All she does now is run between one friends house and another. She's not working for anyone but sure seem to have all the money. Oh well you sound alot in the way of as me. I started working long before the age of 15. I spent time in the US ARMY but then to I learned alot by doing so. One thing I learned is you can't alway have everything. Yes I know about the baby setter cost, then you have your rent and other bills. As it doesn't pay to work if all your going to do is pay a setter. We all have the vet bills out here. I got two dogs myself. In most cases it seem that any more you end up having to have two people both working just to make ends meet.You know your right by the helping hand always wanting something in return. Sure your in ILL, but that doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there who is going to ask you for something in return. Even if its only a friendship! Friends can help you out but then the friends that are out for you to give more in return are not truly friends ! A true friend may give you help and just walk away with out asking for anything in rreturn. Its only if you reach out and touch that friend and say you won't forget them is when your saying your a friend. Yes I have help others over the years but it seem not many of even them ever stayed to be a friend. I gave to them not asking for anything in return and still got back stabed in return. My best friend is my truck or my dog. As them I feed and they give back to me by doing things no one else ever seem to want to do. It seem that family is always making demands on the ones they say they love, most of all when it comes to money. They want you to be their slave for a better way of saying it. But then its like I have open my house to a few friends leting them stay here, only to be walked on in the end. I try now to do things for others if I can, I won't turn away a friend in need. And even really not knowing you , I still wouldn't turn you away if you asked for help. But then how can I know how others feel unless they are open about the things they are really in need of! Lets just say if you need say so!

lol...I've been getting that type of response lately...meds needed? I think my problem is I type whatever is on my mind- get a bit carried away or personal. Three cheers for friendship,though. "...Value a great friendship because it only comes once ina lifetime."

I don't know if you practiced religion at all growing up or what your stand point is on it, but for all your thoughts that I've read can I be so bold as to suggest that you read a bit of kabbalah?..specifically the book titled "72 names of god" to start with. It's more philosphy than religion, and as I've studied many of both, it's the closest total package for how I feel the world exsists and works. With that said, all that you share fits right in with what kabbalah teaches, and it's not like you have to take all of it. I just think it'd be a good addition to your desire for some mental stimulation...and you can decide to accept this next offer or not, it's up to you, but if you'd like some paints and canvas or whatever to hold you over i got plenty. i'd have to know how to get them to you, but they're here if you'd like some.

and finally, you mention (and by god it's very true) people helping under their conditions. as a point of expressing that i really really really believe that kabbalah would offer some great food for thought i will say that my offer is under no condition. kabbalah projects that you create good karma and reveal divine light when you partake in charitable acts. however bad karma and emptiness fill the void left by their positive counterparts when charitable acts become tainted with expectations and alterior motives, for they are no longer charitable. i expect nothing, including, even, a reply.

LOL. I was raised a Cathlic,lol. I denounced my religon after they quoted to me, " The latter theory." Now, I know I'm a bit off the fring pan handle, so I don' exspect anyone else to jump in and say, "Your right", but I'm going to say it anyway- As dorky as it sounds, my faith is in the 'circle of life'. I don't have aset group of worship- but I respect everything of spirit in all creeds and color- of course it's not returned,but I understand that. I'm the hippy freak talking to the trees and getting vibs from all my motherly creatures- I seem to get along better with animals than I do humans 90% of the time- but it's funny you brought that up.

You know something Jennifer. You have balls to talk about the group, and how we feel, and if we have lives or not. I am a single mom. I was before I got married, raised the kids basically by myself when we were married. And as far as my ex husband goes, I still raise them alone. He gets them on his weekends, and that's it. No other time when he is supposed to. You came in the group, under false pretenses, blasted your ex, TerminalBlues. Then tried to tell us he was your friend. You're a liar, and a fake, just like you tried to say you hated in your posts. You have a fake pic, and nothing changed that fact.

Did I say he was my ex? Rumors fly, but no one really knows. I can't keep going over the same thing, over and over again. What I was trying to say, if you finish reading my blog, is I have no life because of...not saying no one knows what it's like. *Hint's the bored thing, and jobless*. Yes, I "blast my ex" But I never, not once, named him. You guys did though rumors. Now, I'm not going to say who he is, if your right or not, because that wouldn't be right, now would it? Me bitching about a figment it much different than me bitching about a nameless figure. Right? Suspect all you want, but as long as I'm typing, I'm keeping that to myself. Now i did have someone tell me that that was wrong, too. That people have the right to know if someone is a slime ball-well the way people respond to me is much diff. than the way they may respond to someone else. So why pass my judgment on this person when everyone else can make up their own minds. Granite, if someone asks me, privately on the subject, I try to be as honest as possible. As Frosty told me when I first started in the group, you don't call someone's name out- which you and several others did. I learned, and I've re framed for the most part. Now in my defense about the group- I too an allowed my option on my own blog. What I said wasn't meant to piss anyone in the group off- it was general and I just said you guys has subject on my profile. I'm sorry it pissed you off, sorry my self- cut-downs- weren't apparent- I meant nothing by it, but was mealy poking fun of the situation. Not everyone saw it that way, so I say my sorrows now, but please don't spread rumors unless you know for fact. For that, I think some people in the group owe an apology to terminalblues

Is it just me, or are you going out of your way to pick a something that should have ended days ago. Drop it already, seriously. If you go to someone Else's' blog and get catty, that person does have the right to defend themselves- specially over something so trite. According to the vas majority of women in the group you guys feel I'm a lier and fake because of a picture-right? I word things a bit lenient on smart-ass and catty, but so do some of the rest of you. GEt over, really. It would be one thing if new things were said, but there isn't and quit frankly it's getting old fast. I haven't left a post in awhile for that reason,so go about your business-move on, get over it.

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