Tuesday, June 14, 2011

It's not about if, or even why - it's about when

Tomorrow my iphone will be delivered by the nice UPS guy here at the chateau. I am so excited! I've been thinking about getting an iphone for a long time, maybe a couple of years, but I kept telling myself to wait wait wait wait wait wait. I had a million excuses why. All of a sudden, I realized that the iphone is a media I am no longer willing to live without. It's not really a phone, you know. Now all I have to do is wait until tomorrow.

Timing is everything, timing is mysterious. Why now for the iphone? Why and how did all those excuses suddenly vamoose? It's such a good question for which I have no answer. I don't even have a story about why, though someone mentioned that Saturn turned direct on Sunday, making it possible to DO things rather than just THINK about things. OK. Maybe.

The friends with whom I've been sharing bits and pieces of my current transformation have asked why now? They've been asking me what happened, what lead me to this moment? Untangling all the convoluted threads of remorse, grief, and undigested emotion left over from my marriage and subsequent relationship (which also ended very badly) is something I thought I had already resolved. I spent years thinking about the whys and wherefores surrounding these rather tragic relationships. I've prayed about it, received mind-bodywork with healing in mind, talked in therapy, blah blah blah. I'm not saying all the work was for nothing; it did clear the field in some way or another for the transformation I am now undergoing, but apparently it didn't fix anything.

Often, when I recognize the need for healing, my strategy is to overpower what ails me. That's when I seek a lot of treatment: therapy, bodywork, osteopathy, Chinese medicine. It's an odd kind of warfare, but that's how I roll. Kill the problem with kindness. Hmmm.

As memories and revelations continue to rise into consciousness, to be blessed and released, I fall, every day, further into a state of awe. The deepest level of healing and forgiveness is not the result of overpowering the wounds or disease, not that it's a bad idea to try. This deep opening I'm in the midst of is something else, something indescribable, beyond my grasp in every way.

Don't ask me why now, because I don't have a clue about that. What I know for certain is I am grateful, beyond belief, really. Thanks Father Time, thank you so so much!

Okay, but don't laugh! I'm not a morning person and I think I'm already suffering from sensory overload, just from this one photo, hahaha.

In order of what I saw:A large upside-down bird's head at the very top.A dirt road, green field, and mountain in the door handle.A vague resemblence of a bass clef sign/question mark on the lower third of the house. Is that your house?A pair of feet lying there by themselves on the sidewalk.A slanted wall made out of dark green marble.A Blues Brother looking person with a black moustache looking over the wall.Your head hanging down at a rather extreme angle. Nice hat!

I'm sure there's plenty more in there but that's what first popped out to me.

I bet I won't blog on it, but I will read other people's blogs. I will also use it to identify stars and constellations, songs overheard in restaurants, trees, birds, etc. It is a hand-held research tool. I will use the maps, stream music from Pandora, and take pics, though I doubt I will go for the hipstamatic app as I've seen enough of those pictures to last a lifetime.

It isn't a phone and it isn't a computer, it's something brand new. I am so excited to learn how to use it!

I too have resisted the iphone but I know why. It wasn't available on Verizon and now that it is I am relecutant because I just got a new Blackberry. But when the time is right, I'll know it. I also want an iPad.

I am so happy you are in a good place right now. You have brought such peace and happiness to so many others and now it is your turn.

"The best way to defeat an enemy is to make him/her your friend." —Abraham Lincoln

It sounds like that sort of approach, befriending your ailments, is working for you. It's so counter-intuitive to embrace your wounds and diseases with some form of love "killing them with kindness" as you put it, and then release them with blessings and gratitude.

But this approach does seem to work. And when it works, fill us with awe. Ah!

ellen worded it so kindly. you've been preparing the fields of you (that leapt from your writing above) . . . "I'm not saying all the work was for nothing; it did clear the field in some way or another for the transformation I am now undergoing", now the fruits of all that work are the outward signs of the giving back. steven