Naomi

I am really glad I have been keeping a diary, otherwise it would be hard for me to believe that certain chunks of my life even happened. My diary (my actual private one, not this one) shows me my transformations—I’ve gone from almost nothing to a more fully formed life. It is comforting to have my thoughts written down, to have evidence that I was how I was.

I can’t write
I am sad
I want to write so bad
Why can’t I write

I haven’t felt like I have written a “good thing” for a while. I haven’t felt that comforting tunnel vision that comes from making something that feels good while you’re making it and still seems good when you’re done. I’ve been distracted by adjusting to college.*

Isn’t it wonderful how quickly we can adjust to things? Human beings seem to have an innate ability to acclimate to almost any situation we are put in. No matter what happens, you carry on, you live, you adapt. It could be getting used to doing nothing after a long period of work and revision and exams. It could be having to go to a new building five days a week with lots of new people and new teachers and refamiliarising yourself with the concept of homework, and actually finding that you’re all right. Not just all right—you feel like you’re part of it, instead of on the outside like you were worried you might. You have actual relationships, and those are wonderful too. There are instant connections and connections you can work on and elements of bonding and old friends, too, that you appreciate so much more and people who are so similar to you but who live in a different part of the country or in a different country altogether. To have moments of feeling genuinely cared for—I can’t really ask for more than that.

You may also have a brother and a mother and a father, and though nothing is drastically different between you, maybe now there is more of a mutual understanding—especially between you and your mother, and you and your brother, because you are now getting on with your life like they did with theirs. With your father, there has always been and will always be a deep understanding, or at least an attempt at understanding, and there will always be shared viewings of SpongeBob after school.

But it sometimes scares you how quickly people can think they know you. Because despite all these conversations and an inbox full of text messages, there is a question in the back of your mind: you wonder when will be the right time to reveal to people what has filled your diaries, what has happened to you. Do you even want to tell them? Would you let anyone read your diary?

No. The past is mine to tell. It is wrapped up in pages and pages of my own handwriting. And my future is wrapped up in the blank pages. As I sat tentatively in the front row in one of my first history classes this year, our teacher introduced us to this quote, which is widely attributed to Winston Churchill: “History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.”** I scribbled that quote down straightaway to remember it.

There, I wrote something. ♦

* British for high school.

** The quote our teacher gave us turns out to be not quite right. What Churchill actually said was: “For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history.”

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carofineOctober 17th, 20127:15 PM

Katherine – I just started college too and I swear everything you’ve written about is exactly how I’m feeling! I live about 10 minutes away from my parent’s house too, and does feel really weird to see all the memorabilia I collected in high school all over my bedroom. It’s nice to know that there’s other people out there who are still adjusting to the college life.

Katherine – I know what you mean… Going home after staying at college feels so weird! I feel so awkward around my family too; it’s like I don’t belong there anymore. Then when I go back to school, it’s just the same feeling all over again. It’s like there’s no escape….

I’ve never even considered the whole ‘evil spirit’ side of the Ouija board. Thanks to Downton Abbey, I was convinced that spirits only ever come to visit to wish his or her fiance and the love of his life happiness. This, of course, is completely ridiculous.

Britney- Don’t stress about Ouija! We bought one from Target a couple years ago. My brother and I have messed with it a couple of times. My Mom told us stories about how she and her friends played with them. It’s stupid and funny. Just treat it as a stupid game and not like a tool for witchcraft and wizardry and talking to spirits.
Sometimes it can get weird, just don’t believe in it. Once people start getting serious about it it gets freaky. I really like that you were up front about your concerns too! And if you’re too worried about it, then just don’t use one, nobody’s gonna judge!

Ruby, when I was learning how to play the violin I’d also do it because it was fun, but I’d sometimes get frustrated and feeling like I wasn’t doing it right. I stopped practising for a while (and can’t wait to start again), but I think it’s awesome when you get that feeling you wrote about, when you feel just excited to be part of a group that is creating something. I really hope you have a great time next time you practise :D

I’ve been told that you’re only supposed to use Ouija boards at night!
Hahaha I totally buy into all the creepy Ouija board legends. My mother told me when I was in 3rd grade that playing with an Ouija board would send me to hell!

My sister just recently found my diary and fuh-reaked out. I get pretty melodramatic and moody in there so I can see why, but she got all worried and told my mom but neither one bothered to talk to me about it. I was horrified and shocked. I’m even more anxious now because I’m wondering when/if they’re going to ask me about it. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I wish I got the choice about if I wanted to share what was in there with them.

Naomi, i completely agree with everything you’ve written. I am also a journal junkie and i love hearing about other girls that journal as well. Makes me feel like i’m not alone on my thoughts about journaling.

Also, Naomi… I’m constantly worried about someone reading my journal, because not only do I not want anyone knowing my deep dark secrets, but I also pretty much only write in it when I’m deeply, deeply upset. So… I’m pretty sure that if anyone read it, they’d probably think I was, like, super depressed or something, which I’m not, so I just try to keep it away from prying eyes. But I also think that maybe if I find my soulmate someday, I might show them my journal. Because what I write in there really shows my deepest, darkest thoughts about certain things, and I think those are important things for a soulmate to know. And I think it would be easier for me to just have them read it than for me to tell them. But for now, my journal is mine, and only mine.

Okay, with the Ouija board, I’m going to say that I thought it was all fun and games too, but I do believe in the supernatural also, so when I asked for one for Xmas, my intent was to find a spirit to talk to.

So I got it, opened it up on Xmas morning, and talked to some little kid named Jeremy who proceeded to spin the thingy in a circle and sent it off the board.

Now, if you have read any Ouija myth/tales, that little remote thingy is the thing allowing the spirits to communicate. By allowing it go off the board, it allows the spirit to go free. This usually ends up bad.

For the rest of the month, the worst possible things kept occurring. My family’s financial problems, me getting consistent bad grades, cars breaking down at 3 in the morning returning from a New Years party and having to push the car into our community and walk all the way home, just crazy bad stuff.

Finally, my mom (also superstitious and into the supernatural stuff) took the board, burned it, and buried it in the forest next to my house. After that, EVERYTHING got better.

You don’t have to believe everything I’m saying, but I’m definitely not touching another Ouija board for a while.

My point of this tale: Bless your board before messing with it. Put silver on it, throw some holy water on the sucker, salt it up, light some evil-warding candles, whatever. Be careful. And don’t let that thing off the board. Seriously.

Katherine – I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel well-adjusted and like I’ve made a lot of friends already and things are going great, hoorah and all that jazz…but sometimes I feel like everyone else hangs out with people all the time and is already planning who to room with next year, when I’m sitting around reading The Picture of Dorian Grey and The Hobbit and Bossypants every afternoon because I finally have free time, which is sometimes fabulous but sometimes weird and lonely. Not even lonely, really – more like…solitary, I guess, in a way that feels strange and disconcerting because I’ve never experienced it before. Home for me is a 17 hour drive away, or else it’s here, or else it’s I don’t know where. It all takes some getting used to.

I understand this post completely… I’m from (very) southern Maryland, but I’m at college in upstate NY, and it takes about ten hours to drive home. As much as I wanted to get away from my hometown in the first place, I kind of regret it now, because I miss it so much. I miss my stupid hometown with nothing to do and I miss my family and my friends and I really regret going so far away sometimes. I mean, I like my school… but I wish I could just pick up my town and plop it right next to my school. Sometimes I feel okay… I do have some friends… but I would honestly give the world to go back to the way it was before I left. I feel lonely a lot… not physically lonely (I’m practically never alone–welcome to college), but emotionally lonely… like no one really gets what I’m going through. Most people here live close… I’ve literally met one person who is out of state like me. My best friend here lives in the next town over and goes home every weekend. I know that other people get homesick, too… I just feel like it’s different. I’m not the same as them; they don’t get what I personally am going through. It’s hard.

the title of Naomi’s entry made me really curious, can rookie do a piece on diaries please? have you already? i let someone read mine once and i’ve always regretted it, it would be nice to know if there is some unwritten code of conduct when it comes to the privacy of diaries!

Please, please, please don’t get a Ouija board. Just don’t.
This is a warning. I know what I’m talking about and you don’t want those things in your life.
It’s not all fun and games. Don’t treat it like a joke. I’m deadly serious.

I’ve always wanted to use a ouija board–but they’re so hard to find! Maybe since it’s close to Halloween, I can find one and use it with my friends. Hey! Maybe we’ll be like The Craft only in real life! Actually, no that would suck, as like three people died in that movie and their friendship was destroyed and one character ends up in an insane asylum, so maybe not.

I was very skeptical when it came to ouija boards because I’d had many fruitless experiences, but one day my friend and I decided to do it right. We got a piece of carton and made our own ouija board, kind of so that it’s energy would be more personal? We lit white candles and incense to keep away the bad spirits, etc, and held hands and waited to see what happened. For a while it was absolute silence but then it actually started moving and we got so scared that we dropped it on the floor, and it continued to move and spelled out the name of the father of our friends, who died in 2008. We proceeded to cry hysterically but it remains a positive experience for me because he was a man that I cared for and so long as you don’t abuse the spirit I think it’s worth a shot.

Well, Ms. Britney, I do believe that you should be incredibly careful if you do get one. I’m not going to say “HEY DON’T DO THAT STAHP WANTING ONE”, but just please be careful, because you are awesome and that would suck. My grandma is the sweetest lady, but as a wee child I asked about one, and she grabbed my wrist tightly, and said “Don’t ever mess around with something that is unknown, something that is completely uncontrollable.”
That’s my reason for not doing that, because that scared the shizzy-nizzy out of my little lace-friled socks.

Dang Caitlin, it looks like you’re having a really tough week. I hope things get better. I suggest sugar. Don’t even worry about eating it in some kind of food. Just a spoon and some sugar. Unless you’re diabetic, in which case celery is good, too.

Whaaat Katherine I know EXACTLY how you feel. I dorm about a 30 minute subway ride away from my house, and at first it was really weird going home. Before moving, I though it would be like I had 2 homes, but once I moved, it felt more like I didn’t have a home in either place. My dorm was new and strange and my home wasn’t the way it used to be. I’m definitely getting used to it though and I’m sure you will too!

Naomi – I have kept a diary for about 3 years, and just the other day I trusted my friend with it. It felt strange, as it’s like giving away all my secrets and everything that makes me, but I liked how I felt I could trust her. But I can understand why you don’t want anyone reading your diary, it took me a long time before I was ready to give up mine.
Great entry by the Way.

I want to get a Ouija board, but I know that I never will, because I am an extremely easily scared person (even the mildest, shortest horror movie trailers on TV terrify me and keep me up at night for days and days; everyone else forgets about them five seconds later… -_-) and I am 100% sure that it would freak the living daylights out of me. But in theory, I’d LOVE to have one! ;(

Yoo-hoo! August’s theme is GIVE AND TAKE, and we’d like to take into consideration whatever submissions you have to give about that! (Even/especially if they’re as cheesy as we just were.) Send pitches to submission@rookiemag.com. ✴

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