How Living in the Past Fractures Your Relationships

When you reflect on your past, what do you think of and how do you feel?

If you are like most people you are invigorated with distant memories of love and joy – perhaps you reflect on past romances, distant lands, old friends or small successes.

But there is a flip side to reminiscing on the past.

As well as elation, you probably also feel a lot of pain, regret, disappointment and even shame. And this is also normal. It is completely human to suffer as a result of reflecting on the past, and we all experience this in different shapes and forms.

While some of us find relief and peace in relinquishing the past and embracing the present, others of us somehow can’t seem to escape from the “grips” of the past and the impact it has had on our lives.

For some of us, the past literally consumes our entire waking lives and controls what we decide to do, say and how we choose to be. Perhaps most regrettably, living in the past actually sabotages and slowly undermines our relationships with our friends, family members, children and partners.

If you feel completely dominated and drained because of your past, this article could help you rediscover the inherent tranquility that resides in you right, now.

Why Do You Live in the Past?

Why do some people live in the past, and others live more in the present moment? There could be a number of reasons. If you live in the past you most likely:

Were raised in an environment that encouraged such a habit (e.g. you might have had parents who were constantly mourning over the past).

Inherited a certain biology or genetics that predisposed you to depression or other tendencies that contribute to your past-dwelling.

Adopted the habit of living in the past as a coping (or escape) mechanism to avoid the present, i.e. from taking responsibility over your happiness and your life.

Adopted the habit as a result of low self-esteem and the unconscious belief that “you don’t deserve to be happy,” contributing to your tendency to constantly self-sabotage your happiness.

Let’s explore a few examples of living in the past that are fairly common in our society, and potentially your life:

You constantly reflect and replay in your mind a horrible or traumatic event that occurred in the past, perpetuating your feeling of being a victim.

You constantly reflect on when “times where better” and how “vastly better the past was/society was/people were back in the day.”

You ruminate on something that made you feel ashamed or embarrassed in the past and avoid it in the present.

You are perpetually filled with regret for a choice you “should have made” in the past.

You have a habit of chronically mourning a “past love” or someone who died.

You are continually comparing the past to the present, and how the present should resemble the past.

You try to restore what you had in the past in the present.

There are many other variations and example of living in the past, but these illustrations listed above compose the main types of past-dwelling.

How Living in the Past Gradually Destroys Your Connections with Others

There is nothing as potentially lethal to your relationship with others as constantly living in the past. As a child growing up with my perpetually past-dwelling mother, I can give you a first-hand account of what it feels like to live with a person who is constantly obsessing, ruminating and mourning over “what was.”

Above all, you feel taken for granted. You feel invisible, forgotten and ignored. Through time you become a simple backdrop in the life of the person constantly fixated with the past. It isn’t long before a huge rift; a deep gap is cut through the middle of your relationship which is, by the way, very hard to mend.

The consequences of living in the past involve psychologically and emotionally neglecting those you love best. The consequences of living in the past involve alienating the good will and intentions of others. The consequences of living in the past involve killing the very essence of what makes connections with others so joyful and fulfilling: life.

Why? Because living in the past is essentially substituting the liveliness of the present moment, with the death and has-been of the past.

How to Be Reborn into the Present, with all its Joy and Sadness

However, this truism might have done nothing for you but make you feel even more miserable and stranded.

Often it takes much more to drop an addiction than simply agreeing with a saying – and living in the past is indeed an addiction by its very nature – so don’t worry. There is much more to it.

Let’s explore ways of being “reborn” in the present moment.

1. Recognize whether you find your misery comforting or not.

Why would a person possibly want to relinquish a habit that they actually benefit out of? Indeed, most habits benefit us in a variety of morbid ways, and past-dwelling isn’t exempt from this.

How does past-dwelling potentially benefit you? Most likely it gifts you with certainty and control. Happiness and fulfillment for many people are scary things because of their inability to be controlled or captured. We fear transience and instability, so dwelling in the past can often be a way of gaining control over the chaos of our lives, and preventing us from being vulnerable (having something taken away from us like joy). Thus we take solace in our misery. Misery is certain, misery can be controlled and misery is familiar.

Not only that, but many people use self-imposed misery to distract themselves from the present moment; from the emptiness of their lives, from their fear of living courageously, from their fear of failure, from the fear of being responsible for the outcome of their existence.

Living in the past can give us a key to avoiding self-responsibility in the present. It is the highest form of avoidance.

2. Ask yourself: if you let go of your misery, what would you lose? (You will lose something.)

This question takes a lot of honest self-inquiry. As we have seen in the previous point, it is common for us to gain something from dwelling in the past, something very powerful.

Whether you dwell in the past to avoid self-responsibility in the present; to feel “in control” of your life; to feel like a righteous “victim”; or to even preserve the memory of a loved one you can’t let go because of the fear of living, there is something that you would lose if you were to relinquish your habit right now.

What is that something?

Once you discover with unconditional honesty what that thing is, ask yourself: “Am I ready to surrender that? Am I ready to move on?” The answer to this question will determine how much success you have in overcoming past-dwelling.

3. Become consumed in something – now.

The next step in the process of present living is finding something to be consumed in, right here, right now in the present moment. This most likely involves fulfilling a long-held dream, like attempting to write a book, or create a flower garden, or even cleaning out the whole house. No matter how romantic or homely your interest is, do it. If you don’t have a long-held passion or plan, think of something. Even the act of researching is a form of being consumed.

Occupy yourself in the present, and you won’t have time to dwell in the past.

4. What are you thankful for?

When we have been stuck in the mindset of “what was” it is difficult to appreciate “what is.” For this reason, for many people gratitude, or simply being thankful in the present moment, is a gift that doesn’t come easily. But that’s OK, it can be strengthened through practice. Being thankful for what you have is a wonderful way of breaking the habit of living in the past. Whenever you feel yourself slipping backwards, ask “what is something that I can feel gratitude for right now?”

5. Accept the uncertainty of life.

The truth is that life is uncertain, unstable and unpredictable. Often, this realization is what promotes the habit of past-dwelling: to escape what is, to preserve a false sense of “control.” But life cannot be put into a tightly held box. We all experience loss, but the important thing to remember is that all bad and good things in life provide us opportunities to grow, to become deeper, wiser and stronger. Don’t pass up this chance. You are what you believe after all.

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Being consumed in the past is not as simple as people make it out to be. It is not simply about recognizing that the past is dead and gone, but actively questioning and replacing old sabotaging mindsets and behaviors with alternatives. It is true that many things can be gained from living in the past, and once we become aware of these unhealthy rewards, and the ways in which they sabotage our relationships with others, we can open ourselves to change.

What have your experiences been with living in the past? Please share for the benefit of others!

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is an influential psychospiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a spiritual counselor, diviner, and author, Luna's mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance. [Read More]

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I have had problems with this several times with people. First example: A college buddy I hadn’t seen since the mid-90s sought me out in about 2015 (around 20 years later) and wanted to hang out. It was okay at first, reminiscing about college. But long story short: It soon became apparent that he had not moved past 1995-ish. It’s like the brakes went on in the late 90s and he got stuck in the Twilight Zone.

So 20 years passes, a lot of time. I had changed a lot. He had not. I soon saw that he was the exact same irresponsible, aimless individual he had been in college and basically refused to grow up. I was in a stable relationship of nearly 10 years by the time we reunited. He revealed to me (awkward) that he’d always wanted to be more than friends, and seemed to disregard the fact that I was involved with someone.

One day, out of the blue, he snapped because he felt like I was not paying enough attention to him. He called me selfish, told me I had anger management problems (where did that come from?!) and basically insulted me and my whole way of life, calling me a “boring person” (I have since learned what ‘projection’ means). He blocked me from his page on the art website we were on together, He just went bat sh*t crazy on me and I feel like it’s because he was angry that I had moved on and he hadn’t.

I prefer my past because time were so much happier. My husband has been disabled for all but 2 of the 15 years we have been together. I miss the days of seeing him happy and pain free. For 13 years, it has been endless rounds of doctor visits, medications, hospital stays, assisting him with bathing, dressing, meals, being the primary driver in the family. It gets old. His medications and sunlight are a bad combination, non-stop fatigue, PTSD, depression, and a rare incurable spinal cord disease. In addition, we have two teenage daughters, so my job as mom/caretaker is overwhelming most of the time. I love my husband, but I don’t love how much it has adversely affected our life. It would take a miracle for our life to return to normal, not going to happen unfortunately.

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The sparkly heart didn’t show up on the page before (It is there in spirit though!!) Here is another version you can see :-)
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Caring.com can be helpful sometimes with advice. Also in some areas there are respite programs. And even though it doesn’t sound like your husband is a senior citizen some of those local senior citizen resources might be a good place to start to find some support and help in caregiving that you may not have been aware of. You sound like a very brave and strong individual. Take care, wishing you and your family blessings and miracles ♡

I used to do family history and genealogy. I found found myself thinking about ancestors and what I thought their lives were like. I think this could be a form of living in the past?
I’ve now stopped genealogy and try to live here and now.

This article really hit me deep. In 2012 when I met my mate(Who I recognized without ever meeting her in this life) somehow it triggered for my entire past life to be suddenly shoved into this one. memories. pains. great friends. deaths of loved ones and my own.. Short to say it really changed my life around. It;s like a giant warehouse with the lights off, and suddenly they are turned on and there is so much and it’s so overwhelming you have no clue where to start. This post made me realize how much I was caught up in all of it. Now after 4 years I finally feel like I can move on. No one in my past life would have wanted me to feel this way. Thank you so much Luna for writing this. Thank you so much both of you for creating Lonerwolf and inspiring spiritual and mental growth in a world that lost those ways. And finally, thank you for sharing all these wonderful truths just hidden under the surface of society that make me win these battles against myself so I can live full and proud!

Thank you for this article. You painted a very good picture of why we may choose to dwell on the past.

I might add as one of the solutions, too, is to also spend time developing a spiritual practice, or some type of philosophy you feel strongly about that lifts you up in times when you feel yourself being pulled to the past, again.
Having something that keeps us tethered to a deeper part of ourselves can help us find strength in our darkest hours.

I have many past regrets and a best friend who died from cystic fibrosis. I am married now, yet find myself dwelling on past relationships still, good and bad. The past depresses me, I feel guilt, shame, and somehow there is a comfort like you spoke of. I know it hurts me and my relationships. I always have walls up. I will not allow myself to have another best friend, even though I really need one. I think a part of me believes that letting go of the past means I lose her. It’s ridiculous I know. I’m aware now that I do this. I’m willing and ready to live in the present. I’m hoping this will be the first step.

“You are perpetually filled with regret for a choice you “should have made” in the past.” Until now, I can’t still move on with the choice I have made in the past. It seems that my past is haunting me now. I can’t also avoid telling ,”If only…”. I don’t know but that’s what I’m feeling now. Perhaps by time, I can move on. At first, I was happy with the choice I made but I realized it just gave a temporary feeling. Now, I’m mourning with the things I have lost. If only I have appreciated those things before and if only I could go back in time…

I am a counselor that works in a prison. I share much of your information with the inmates through the various groups I run. Some are in the moment that allows them to receive it and gain some insight. While others are not yet at a place in their lives that allow them to be open to new ideas and ways of thinking. But it is a magical moment when I witness someone experiencing that “Ah Hah!” moment.
Thanks

You are absolutely right–the present moment is where life is. There really is no such thing as the past. It’s just memories with meaning given to them by our mind. Sometimes the meaning happens on such a subconscious level, that just trying to push it away won’t work. When this happens, being curious about what is going on in our own mind can help. Sometimes it is necessary to redefine what happened in the past (people’s intentions, seeing our own innocence, etc.), and sometimes it is just necessary to realize that the past is no predictor of the future.

Yes, sometimes it is very beneficial to re-frame what occurred in the past to heal ourselves in the present. Living in the present should by no means be a duty as sometimes it is very important that we explore what happened to us in the past, our perceptions of it, and the way it has influenced us in the present. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

How selective we can be about living in the past, hanging on to the memories of perceived good times and music as Charley said, I certainly can recognise that and I think life has got a darn lot faster and more focused of consumerism, however I am glad we aren’t stuck in the past and life keeps changing. Nothing changes if nothing changes, when we get stuck in blame where its comfortable we are blocked, the healing cant commence until the blaming stops. If im living in yesterday or hoping for a better tomorrow I cut myself off from today and that all we ever have is the day we are in. Love your articles of late I use there focus in my counselling sessions, thanks.

Thank you Maz, and I’m honored to have them as your focus for your counseling sessions. :D
As I mentioned before, it is unrealistic to expect ourselves to dwell solely in the present moment all the time. Sometimes it actually benefits us to thinking of the past, but often this can become a habit that is abused: where we gain our entire pleasure from what “was” not what “is.”

There is tremendous wisdom in this piece, but it seems to do this would mean radically changing our comfort zones. For example almost everyone seems to be locked into most appreciating the music they listened to in their teens and twenties. Doing this ties us to many aspects of our youth and is a huge part of our culture. I would really be interested in knowing what music Alethia enjoys most. I think the same is true in our tastes in clothing, food, movies, and even vacation destinations. I love to change and try new things, but I honestly believe in many areas things were better in the past, and it is very hard to be satisfied with many aspects of today.

To me, it is unrealistic to expect ourselves to dwell 100% in the present all the time. It is natural for our thoughts to drift to the past, and in many cases it actually benefits us (e.g. choosing food from a menu to make a good selection, remembering how to get to a house, thinking of the nice bracelet your mother pointed out in the past to surprise her with it in the present). The issues occur when we dwell a disproportionate amount in the past: when our lives become consumed by it. That was what I was trying to convey. :)

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Walk the path less traveled

Our names are Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol and we currently live in Perth, Western Australia.

Our mission is to help others embrace the path of the lone wolf and listen to the soul’s calling. Our goal is to provide a grounded and balanced perspective of spirituality that doesn’t bypass the raw, real, and messy aspects of spiritual growth or psychological development.

We are deeply drawn to exploring and exposing both the light and shadow side of human nature and spirituality. We strive towards integration, balance, wholeness, and embracing both the sacred and wild aspects of being human. Read more.