the misadventures of someone who prolly STILL shouldn't be allowed to raise children...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Damn you, titty fairy!

Apologies to my male readers and to any who might be offended by the following post, but I need to get something off my chest, literally.

I hate that bitch!

I know that many a husband (or partner, as the case may be) has planned ticker-tape parades in the titty fairy's honor, petitioned Congress to enact a National Holiday to recognize her contributions to society, and erected small shrines in the back of the garage making offerings to ensure that the ample bosoms remain even after the suckling child reaches puberty. I also hear (though am unable to comprehend) that some women feel the same way. That these delusional smaller-chested sisters erect may-poles celebrating the way that they now fill out their t-shirts and bras with their newly delivered C-cups...

But, for those of us already endowed with more than our fair share of mammarian reserve... let me just say a hearty "No fucking thank you! Don't let my foot clip your wings as I show you the way out!"

Last time I was pregnant, my boobs stayed a respectable size until the last few weeks of pregnancy. They then ballooned to comic proportions following delivery, which was a particularly bitter pill since I wasn't even able to breastfeed. I was, however, able to rest plates and bowls on my decolletage so as to remove the need for hands and/or utensils while eating. And they never really went back to their original size. What is that they say about the pregnancy boobs curse?.. big-busts stay bigger, little-busts get smaller... (lucky!)

N. was thrilled, because really how many men get to have their wives' boobs go up three cup sizes without a $5-8K investment.

I can only assume that the titty fairy has signed some kind of distribution deal with UPS to maximize her business, because her ass has been a lot more "efficient" in delivering the size this time around. In eight short weeks, I have surpassed my size two days before Bean was born... my heart (and back and shoulders) all shudder to consider where we go from here. I am considering moving and leaving no forwarding address. I had to go get fitted for a new set of bras, which in and of itself is a horrifying experience.* The resulting set of elastic, hooks, and ugly-ass material is enough to frighten any teenage boy into the priesthood. And, I don't even want to talk about the fact that these monstrosities cost TWICE as much as your average over the shoulder bolder holder.

OK, I feel a little better. But any of you who are interested in taking this boob-boosting bitch out, drop me a line. I am formulating a plan...

*I am willing to bet that any and all among you with ample ta-tas have had to be "fitted" once in your life. If not, you should. A good bra will do wonders for your posture and profile. That said, there is nothing more embarrassing and life-altering than being felt up by someone's grandma in a 10x12 ft booth.

Comments

Shudder...

Frankly, I think even my not big/not small C-cups are a giant pain in the ass. And the whole Oedipal thing about men and breasts really freaks me out. My dear one thinks I'm joking when I tell him that. But really. I'm not.

I am SO with ya, here. Let's knock that silly wench on her ass. I've asked the docs repeatedly about mammary donation procedures, but apparently, they don't do it! What? But there's plenty of poor AA-cup women out there who would love to have my surplus boobage! I've tried offering them the temptation of being pioneers in medical science and just think of how their name would become famous and statues erected in their honor, but alas, they still won't take the bait. hey... maybe the doctors are in league with the titty fairy?
~Liz

Unlike my other "small-sized" sisters, I was not completely prepared (nor thrilled) with the ginormous proportions of my boobal region when I got pregnant. I'm a runner, and though my chest caused me endless remorse as a teenager, I learned to enjoy the ability to run a few miles without a lot of boob bobbing. The sweaty combination of big saggy boobs and a not-yet-deflated-post-pregnancy belly...is just a gross feeling. I don't miss it. I feel your pain...or I did.

Um, sorry, can't go with you on this one. What I will do, however, is offer to take any boobage you feel unequipped to handle. Trust me. These bitches are like socks with golf balls in the bottom now, and they. need. help!!!

I was a 32F (F!) BEFORE I had my first child. Now, after two, I am too afraid to go to be fitted even though the nursing bras must DIE. The whole "grapefruits in the end of socks" look combined with the serious (and nearly too heinous to utter) BACKFAT leaves me trembling at what the results of the fitting might be... I've been trying to figure out how to convince my insurance company that I need a reduction. I've been standing in the mirror practicing my wince while saying, "Oy, my achin' back!"

I am in! Let's take her out!!! I got fitted right after I stopped breastfeeding........horrible experience but it must be done! I have offered smaller busted friends a deal---they pay the co-pays for a breast reduction for me and they can lay on the table next to me and have to doctors "share my boobage" with them. No one has taken me up on that yet but I am not giving up hope!!!

Somebody should kill that fairy beyatch! She and the goddamn inventor of viagara should be put in cement shoes and sent down the river. I hope her tatas keep her bobbin' to the surface a few times before the rock and the cock drag her under.