Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Still not kidding

Twelve years ago yesterday (or today if you’re in the US),
my efforts to become a parent came to a screeching halt. I’ve written about
that before here. I didn’t think about it until late yesterday
afternoon, and when I did, it was just to mark the moment.

It made me think though. Twelve years on from that day,
almost thirteen and fourteen years respectively from my ectopic pregnancies,
and years before that since we started trying to get pregnant, I am writing and
thinking about life without children. I almost wrote “still writing and
thinking” but by use of the word “still” it implies that thinking about our
lives without children is something that has or should have an end date. I don’t
believe that is true. I have friends who weren’t able to have children, and who
never went down the forum or blogging routes. We rarely talk about
our lives without children. We simply talk about life. But just because we don’t
talk about it, just because they don’t write about it (as far as I am aware) or
advocate for people without children, I can’t say that they don’t think about
their lives. Just because I write in public – even if under an easily broken
pseudonym – it doesn’t mean that my thoughts about our lives are any deeper or
more detailed or different.

The truth is though that, here at least, I have actively identified
as a woman without children. I don’t do that through pain (any more) or
bitterness. I like to think I do it for advocacy, to join my voice with that of
others, to help other women without children to feel less alone. Maybe too we
help friends and family to understand what their loved ones are going through. Maybe
my experience might help others to believe they’ll be okay, and maybe it will
help them to move through the grief, up into the sun. I write openly and as honestly as I can. I try not to kid myself, or you, that life is anything but the way it is. I try to keep this a no kidding zone.

Ultimately though, I would like to be able to help those who
don’t give a passing thought to us to stop, think, and understand what life is
like for the 1 in 5 women who will not be mothers. I’m working towards that.
That’s why, 12 years later, I am still writing and talking and thinking about leading
a no kidding life.

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About Me

This is my blog on living and loving life without children after infertility. Currently I'm a blogger, a self-employed businessperson, amateur photographer, and traveller.

I blog on A Separate Life about my everyday life, but this is a space for thoughts on my No Kidding lifestyle, the good and the bad, remembering what was lost, and celebrating what I have.

My husband and I are the stereotypical couple without children who love to travel. I am (at) travellingMali on Instagram and there I post photos of various trips internationally, past and present, and of NZ travels, along with the occasional photos from where I live.

In 2013 I travelled in Europe and the Middle East for five months, and kept a blog at Lemons to Limoncello.

I also had a travelblog some years ago, but stopped posting in 2012, which you can see at Mali's Travelalphablog. I'm hoping to start a travel blog again, so watch this space!