Support shouldn't come with strings attached

Friday

Jul 5, 2013 at 12:01 AMJul 5, 2013 at 11:59 AM

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

While I’m away, readers give the advice.

• On support at its most uncomplicated:

When I was deciding to get a divorce, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, like a failure. I will always remember how much the following words from my father meant to me: “I don’t know the whole story, and I don’t need to know. Just know that I am on your side no matter what.”

Sometimes, that is all a parent needs to say.

— Grateful Daughter

My parents took me to the funeral, my first, of the father of some kids on our swim team when I was about 10 or 11. I didn’t want to go, but they dressed me up smart, and my dad said: “You have to go. It’s not about us; it’s about the surviving family. It’s a duty we all share in life, even though unpleasant.” When he said “you,” he meant all of us, not me in particular.

It is irrelevant whether the kids knew the deceased well or not. Funerals are for those of us who continue on, to show the survivors they are important to us and that we stand with them in their grief.

— B.

• On the feeling of being the lone single at a gathering of couples:

Years ago, our boss and his wife invited seven of us to their summer home for a weekend. They hosted a party to introduce us to family and friends. The introductions went like this:

“This is Wendy, and she is with Rob, over there.

“This is Jane, and she is married to Tom, on her right.

“This is Harry, and he belongs to Betty, over here.

“And next to her is Jenny (me), and .?.?.” — and, before he could say more, one of the wives spoke up and said, “She belongs to all of us.”

It was a fabulous weekend with great friends.

— Wonderful Friends

• On thin people who complain about their weight:

From adolescence into early adulthood, I went from a little chubby to seriously overweight. My mother has always been slender. Growing up, I frequently heard her talk badly about herself and her looks. What was the message I got from that? If she wasn’t good enough the way she was, then I definitely wasn’t.

She still doesn’t know how her words and actions contributed to my poor self-esteem.

One promise I have made to myself is that I will never speak about myself that way in front of my kids when I have them.