(I get a hysterical phone call from a girlfriend of mine. I cannot make out what she is saying, just sobs. I rush over to her place and find her sitting on the floor drinking directly out of a nearly empty wine bottle. At this point she is quite drunk.)

Me: “Oh, my god, are you okay?”

Friend: “Yep. I’ve decided to become a lesbian. There’s no hope for me to find a man. None. Nada. Zilch.”

Me: “I don’t think a person just decides to become a lesbian. What brought this on?”

(She waved the bottle towards her computer screen. I went over and looked at it. It was one of those find your soul-mate/perfect match based-on-science dating sites. Her #1 100% match was her slime ball, cheating ex-husband. I did the only thing a good friend could do at a time like that… I fished out the 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream ice cream, grabbed two spoons, and joined her on the floor.)

(A friend of mine is dumped rather cruelly out of the blue by her boyfriend for being ‘too weird’ for his tastes. To help cheer her up, I’ve taken her to the local pet store to get something to help fill the void in her life.)

Me: “So, we need suggestions for a pet that’s loyal and affectionate.”

Employee: “Well, we’ve got a lovely variety of kittens that need a good home. They’re nice and soft and will grow up to be very friendly when they get older.”

Employee: “Yep, he’s the first monitor we’ve gotten in, which technically makes him the most exotic thing in the store currently. He’s a bit off the beaten path, but I thought he might be more to your liking.”

(My friend looks at the little reptile, which in turn cocks its head and looks back up at her.)

Friend: “Uh, can I hold it?”

(The employee hands her the monitor which promptly scurries up her arm and climbs into a pocket on her jacket.)

Employee: “They’re also perfect for carrying around when they’re young due to their preference of wanting to curl up somewhere and sit still.”

(I can see the faintest hint of a smile on my friend’s face as the monitor pops its head out and flicks its tongue at her.)

Friend: “So, uh… do they get bigger later in life?”

(The employee nods and begins to go in depth about housing, feeding and the what-not while I wander off. After some time I walk back to the registers and find my friend now setting down a complete beginners terrarium set, plus bedding, food, a mister, and the monitor which is still sitting happily in her pocket.)

Me: “My, my, it seems someone managed to make a new friend.”

Friend: “Mmm, I’m thinking he’s going to be more of my personal boyfriend tester from now on. If they aren’t okay with him, then they aren’t worth my time.”

Me: “So he’s going to be your monitor both by name and by function?”

(My friend nodded with the biggest smile imaginable. Several years later she’s now with a much more like-minded boyfriend whom she thanks ‘Cubby’ (as she named the monitor) for helping her find.)