I am both flattered and frustrated by these questions, as they tend to indicate a steadfast, and woefully misplaced, faith that I have some special access to the the lustrous, friscallant Truth undulating at the Heart of Everything. It is clear that, over the last seven-and-one-third years of advising you, I have demonstrated my flawless and unflagging capacity to guide you toward the love, the career fulfillment, and the limited brand of enlightenment available to your quaint, diminished human capacities. But, despite my vast capacities and experience, and many high-placed connections, I do not know what you have in your pockets, nor what your favorite pizza is, nor where your socks have been mislaid to (unless you mislaid them before the unblinking eye of a closed-circuit security camera which, in this ever-more transparent age, is increasingly the case.)

So, dear Sergey, the short answer to your question is: I do not know.

But, the long answer is: In all likelihood, titties.

For, I know not what is done, in general, within the internet's vast network of tubes, I am well acquainted with what transpires in the electronic tap drains, valves, and elbow joints of my own little fiefdom electronique. So, I have taken to examine my own logs of search queries made which resulted in knowledge-seekers stumbling upon my demesne, and have drawn certain cautious conclusions.

Before revealing these, I would like to take a moment to stress that, although I am oft accused of invention in my responses, I base the following assertions on my own analysis of our true and factual server logs, reproduced faithfully and without modification forthwith (Explanatory Note: The four columns below represent the search term's RATING for that month, RAW number of occurrences in that month, % of the total number of searches this represents, and the SEARCH STRING itself.):

I took these data, which obviously represent the top 20 most-frequently requested search terms for four complete months' transactions (plus the incomplete January returns), and charted the progress of six consistent requests below:

The following alternate presentations of this data clarify trends, somewhat:

Now, certain assertions can be made about my readership.

Predictably, interest in myself (the Giant Squid, as represented by the purple bar) is steady and dependably accounting for just under one percent of all searches. There is similarly a consistent interest in "second life sex", which stands to reason, especially upon skimming the raw data: Sex itself is obviously of general interest, be it in the form of the sex video, the sex party, the cat sex, the sex publique, Lindsay o' Lohan, or most often — as the graph indicates — the Sex of the Second Life. Public curiosity regarding the humble — and, admittedly, somewhat cryptic — dash (depicted in yellow) peaked in November (with 477 individual searches, representing just over two percent of the requests for that month!) and has since sunk back to obscurity and possible ignominy, whilst the nerds and the wily roadrunner attract curiosity with chaotic fluctuation and no apparent trend. Looking to the raw returns, we see that some terms have brief spurts of extreme and unsustainable popularity (see, for example, Vincent Gallo, Atlantis, Dennis Kucinich's lovely wife, nude yoga, the smallest dog in the world, or heroes sucks), where-as other concepts, such as pornography, animals, and the poops (especially in the form of either the longest of shits or the jenkem) are perennial favorites.

But, to address Sergey's query, we see that from the jumble of information there is one very clear trend: the geometric growth of the orange bar, representing titties, and currently accounting for nigh unto four percent of all search queries, and quickly gaining on the records held by jenkem and Lindsay Lohan. Were these titties a stock, I would rate them a triple-A buy. I believe it is safe to conclude that, over the long run, few can challenge the consistent popularity of the titties.

Reviewing these query terms now, I wonder much about the 106 individuals who, in October of 2007, asked the Great and Powerful Google for information on the topic of "bleeding tooth fungus," and were directed to my door. I have, to date, fielded no questions on this topic in any sector of my Empire. Were they satisfied with what they found here-in? Were they, Sergey?