I like using the common ground approach.
Do you like money ? Well, hey so do I. How we go about getting it can truly define who we are as a person.
Are you willing to steal and or cheat someone to get money ? Are you willing to lie to people to get their money ?

I like working for the money I make. It gives me a sense of well being to know that I earned it.

More than likely if you list a lot of things that define who you are as a person and let your wife go over that list, you'll both find that the two of you have the same ethics and morals and personal sense of wanting to be great parents to your children.

Find the common ground.

There are hundreds of gods that you both don't believe in. You have that in common.
You both want to raise your children with a sense of good moral values so they can navigate their way through life successfully. You have that in common.
Presumably you both enjoy sex, food, music, sporting activities, travel and sleeping in when the kids are away.

Write down why you believed in god when you believed.
Write down why you don't believe anymore.

"I use to believe the bible was the word of god"
"I researched how the bible was put together and now it appears to me to be a work crafted, edited and made by human beings. I no longer see divinity in the pages. I see 2000 yrs of editing by people to make it read what they wanted it to read. That is not the work of a god. A god may exist, but this book is a work of man, not of the divine"

If she says that she believes that the bible is the word of god, ask her why she believes that. Ask her to search in her mind why she holds this to be true. If it's only because others told her all her life that it was the word of god, then there is your answer. Let her have that answer. Don't try to take it away from her.

That might be one thing you can do. You can accept her answers and then maybe she'll accept yours.

Insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

The following 2 users Like Rahn127's post:2 users Like Rahn127's postBows and Arrows (09-09-2014), Chas (09-09-2014)

(09-09-2014 02:30 PM)Deidre32 Wrote: Sounds more like a prison, not a marriage.
Just sayin

Well the option is that or blow up the marriage, which brings it's own headaches. Depends on how much the marriage means to him.

But it shouldn't only mean him compromising. He didn't cheat on her.
He has nothing to apologize for. I can understand it's disappointing for someone religious to hear this news but... It requires effort on both their parts.

Your marriage is in a sensitive spot. I agree with doc and Robby - treat your spouse gently now. She has been dealt a blow she likely didn't expect and it has shaken the very thing she cherishes. Once the shock has worn off approach things with an approach that shows everyone chooses their own belief system. Continue to show her that you are the loving and caring person she married.

Don't battle. Not now. This isn't a time to determine who is right and who is wrong.

There is a way to solve this marriage but it doesn't come from sinking I your heels, planting your flag and making a stand. It comes from showing, live and kindness to someone that means the world to you. And reaching a point of understanding that while you are different in your belief systems you can still be a loving family.

This doesn't have to divide.

But she needs some time to wrap her head around it.

Bows (also married to a believer)

"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller

The following 2 users Like Bows and Arrows's post:2 users Like Bows and Arrows's postCardinal Smurf (12-09-2014), GirlyMan (12-09-2014)

(09-09-2014 02:41 PM)Revenant77x Wrote: Well the option is that or blow up the marriage, which brings it's own headaches. Depends on how much the marriage means to him.

But it shouldn't only mean him compromising. He didn't cheat on her.
He has nothing to apologize for. I can understand it's disappointing for someone religious to hear this news but... It requires effort on both their parts.

Well the world is not perfect. Should it be even and fair compromise on both side, yeah. Does it ever work like that? Usually not.

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote: America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense

(09-09-2014 02:41 PM)Revenant77x Wrote: Well the option is that or blow up the marriage, which brings it's own headaches. Depends on how much the marriage means to him.

But it shouldn't only mean him compromising. He didn't cheat on her.
He has nothing to apologize for. I can understand it's disappointing for someone religious to hear this news but... It requires effort on both their parts.

Eventually there will be, but in the heat of the moment, when she is reeling from shock because this news totally changed her idea of her marriage and family, I think you give your spouse a pass until they can wrap their head around it.

(09-09-2014 02:18 PM)Deidre32 Wrote: So...the advice is basically for the OP to walk on eggshells, in order to live as an atheist and remain in a peaceful marriage?

Assuming he wants to stay married. That's what I'm doing in my similar situation. It's really up to him if he wants to be more confrontational, try to give up less, and/or just get divorced. Sky's the limit!

(09-09-2014 02:45 PM)Deidre32 Wrote: But it shouldn't only mean him compromising. He didn't cheat on her.
He has nothing to apologize for. I can understand it's disappointing for someone religious to hear this news but... It requires effort on both their parts.

Eventually there will be, but in the heat of the moment, when she is reeling from shock because this news totally changed her idea of her marriage and family, I think you give your spouse a pass until they can wrap their head around it.

That's sound advice, I imagine it has to be very hard...for both parties. Many believers marry with the idea that they are marrying someone whom they share so much in common with, religion being at the top of that list. It has to be hard to come to terms with...can I still love someone who no longer believes in God?

I have a few married friends who are 'unequally yoked,' but from the get go. Different thing altogether, than two people who started off religious, and one leaves the faith.