We’ve got stars directing our fate

Oh dear, The British Astrological Society want to be apologised to because a comedian and a scientist said something mean. ‘We also request that the BBC will commit to making a fair and balanced representation of astrology when aired in the future,’ they say.

Fair enough. I will begin this blog post with a disclaimer that Astrology has been disproven in a number of different ways by scientists working in a number of disciplines (both astrologers, and anthropologists reckon its arse custard). Reference is made to some of such peer reviewed papers here and some more here. So I can now mock it with impunity and sarcasm.

This is a story about a ram, a bull, a pair of twins, a crab, a lion a virgin, a set of scales, a scorpion, a centaur, a sea goat, a water carrier, and two fish, who all had sex in space. That, at least, was convenient because it was where they lived, and no one had to call a minicab afterwards. Some of them enjoyed it more than others, and the Lion went round giving everyone scores while the sea goat just apologised and went out to eat a whole packet of Rich Tea biscuits on his own.

‘I knew he was going to do that,’ said the Crab to the two fish.

So did we,’ they chorused, helpfully.

‘Fucking Lion gave me a 6,’ said the set of scales, which most people thought demonstrated stupendous sexual prowess for a set of scales.

‘Yeah, well I’d have got an eight if only I could control these fucking mood swings,’ the scales insisted, cheering up immediately.

Anyway, after they’d all smoked a John Player Special (which everyone promised would be their last ever: their horrorscopes had said it’s a good time to quit an old habit and become carnally intimate with a centaur), they got along to looking through their one-way space window at the earth. All the stupid humans were behaving very strangely, scurrying this way and that with calendars and spinny things, trying to decide who they should be having sex with, and if they were rubbish at their jobs. Most of them were. Some had gamely dressed up as tall dark strangers though, and everyone was looking at everyone else with new eyes.

‘I think we might have done that,’ chirruped the twins.

‘I mean we twelve, not we two,’ they added, giggling.

‘I did most of it,’ bragged the Ram, who felt he ought to contribute something.

‘Jackass,’ said the Virgin uncharacteristically. She was unsure that she quite fitted into the group any longer.

‘If only we could somehow make them realise what we did, they’d worship us like gods,’ said the Lion.

‘But no one in their right mind would believe their lives are controlled by a ram, a bull, a pair of twins, a crab, a lion a virgin, a set of scales, a scorpion, a centaur, a sea goat, a water carrier, and two fish in space,’ said the water carrier. ‘We’ll need to find someone really gullible to get them to start spreading that news among the humans.