Ugly dogs are just for Christmas: Study Finds

A recent and devastatingly unfestive study revealed that over 90% of new dog owners would dispatch of their poochy pal if they deemed it to be ‘ugly, disgruntling or have unsettling features’, in addition that type which always seem to know when you’re having sexy thoughts would be gone in heartbeat’.

Oswald Bumpley, who received a disgusting Bull Terrier from an uncle who probably never liked him, had this to say: “Christmas is all about family, decorations, eggnog, and cute, cuddly things, not some psychotic, overgrown, nightmare, albino mole and bullshit machine trying to bite my face off on boxing day when I fell asleep watching a box-set of The Sopranos”

We also spoke to Shitheed Nozzle, whose partner bought her a Xoloitzcuintli, also known as the Mexican Hairless Dog, which is about as cute as it sounds. “I really though I loved christmas, and I loved Cameron, then he bought me this weird, shiny, I don’t even…imagine you took a baby elephant, malnourished it, shaved it, gave it a spray-tan and cut off its trunk…that’s what this thing looked like. Anyway, by Jan 1st I was free, single, and crucially no longer a dog owner. I released that disgusting thing into the wild. Just be careful if you’re out in Richmond Park any time soon, is what I’m saying. It will kill again.”

Finally, there is the thousands of people who get cute dogs, but didn’t really think about all the shitting/walking/being dogs they would do, and just couldn’t really be assed by March.

As a special Christmas treat, here is an article with the 31 ugliest dogs in the world. You’re welcome.