end of the line

ever had that feeling of being stuck? of having no options left but to stay, sit, and be still? of having things happen around you while you sit there immobile and helpless?

well im having one right now.

the year is about to end and it seems its not just the year that is ending.

its ironic that for every accomplishments that one makes transform into added baggage that one has to drag wherever one seeks to go.

i miss that time during college when i have finally submitted the last requirement for my graduation, the thesis. i felt a lightening inside of me as the final obligation has been fulfilled. no more tasks to do, no more sleepless nights, no more cramming, no more shoulds.

it feels as if life is wide open right in front of me and i can go everywhere i choose. like a newly discovered continent, life seems to be full of adventure and promise. i can go anywhere, i can do anything.

fast forward a few years and it seems that from that wide open space, i have boxed myself into a corner. fenced myself with the experiences i have obtained and leashed my future to the skills that i have learned.

suddenly, it feels as if the things that i can do are only those things that i know how to do.

and disturbingly i keep catching myself limiting myself. as i glance through the classifieds, as i try to map my life, as i make plans, the boundaries inside my head start to emerge and i find myself entering the cage, closing the door behind me, and locking it. tight.

life has become a one-way, single-lane street.

it feels that i need super human powers to break away from this cage despite the expectations and the obligations.