Ostaszewski: The overly friendly skies

Monday

Nov 29, 2010 at 12:01 AMNov 29, 2010 at 7:03 PM

After this holiday weekend, I think it is safe to say that many air travelers established a closer, more intimate relationship with the federal government. In some cultures, after a TSA pat down you would be obligated to marry the person.

Lee Ostaszewski/Local Columnist

After this holiday weekend, I think it is safe to say that many air travelers established a closer, more intimate relationship with the federal government. In some cultures, after a TSA pat down you would be obligated to marry the person.

I didn't fly anywhere this Thanksgiving, so the feds and I remain in a strictly platonic relationship. The good part is we still respect each other in the morning. You want that in a mature, long-lasting government/citizen relationship.

Watching news coverage of some of the passenger pat downs by TSA agents, many claim it approaches a sexual assault. I thought it looked more like, at least for the men, as if they were checking for hernias. Then a great idea came to me. As part of the new healthcare bill, the federal government could bring in some doctors to work with TSA agents and combine airport security with wellness exams.

The term "Turn your head and cough" could be added to the regular airport security checkpoint banter of "Remove your shoes," "Place the contents of your pockets in the tray" and "Sir, I understand that your machete will fit in the overhead compartment, but you'll still need to check it."

Of course, most people will opt for the full body scanner instead of the pat down/wellness exam. So how about designing body scanners that also offer a full-body CT scan, which is all the rage these days anyway.

How reassuring would it be, heading on your trip with a clean bill a health from the TSA security agent/doctor on duty? Then again I suppose you wouldn't want to hear: "You should get that dark mass under your armpit checked out right away when you get back from vacation, but hey, have fun in Florida."

The good thing about combining airport security with wellness visits is that it would actually accomplish something useful. Don't get me wrong; keeping crazed suicide bombers off airplanes, especially airplanes I am on, or my loved ones are on, is accomplishing something. Still, the number of terrorists flying compared to the number of passengers screened must be statistically insignificant. If we were talking about anything else that carries a risk, such as driving or handling raw chicken, these odds would be acceptable. Actually, really good.

What it all means is that they are frisking, scanning, poking and prodding millions and millions of innocent people every year who simply have someplace to fly to. No wonder the public is getting frustrated. You think there would be a better way of protecting us without treating us all like terrorists.

One way would be to only conduct the more thorough scanning or pat-down on those passengers that seem likely to be terrorists. The rest of us would be allowed to go on our merry, unmolested way.

But that would be considered profiling. And here in America we have decided that profiling is bad.

Although, when you think about it, making general assumptions about someone's future behavior based on factors such as race, income, education, background, etc., has another name other than profiling. It's also called marketing. It's what advertisers do all day long.

And really, is it all that hard to spot a suicide bomber? First of all, by definition they are inexperienced. And even James Bond probably acted a bit squirrely on his first assignment: "My name is Bond. James Bond. But you can call me Jimmy."

When it is your first assignment - and if done correctly your last - I am guessing that your body language is going to be revealing. They can spend all the weeks they want at Terrorism Camp, firing rifles and crossing the monkey bars, but few are going to be mistaken for a regular tourist from Decatur.

So let's stop calling it profiling (bad). We should start calling it something snappy, such as Statistic Numerical Analysis of Passenger Intent (SNAPI).

Continue protecting the public, federal government, but please vow to find a better, less intrusive, more logical way of doing it. And soon, before my next flight.

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