CS Major Newly Employed at Google tells English Major to Follow her Dreams

English major Paige Turner was allegedly nearly shocked into a coma last Wednesday when she was told by her friend in computer science, Tanisha Castillo, to follow her dreams. Castillo had been reportedly offered a job at Google only minutes before the incident, and had gleefully run to tell Turner the news. “I was genuinely happy for her,” said Turner. “There was no doubt in my mind that she had put in the work and that she genuinely deserved this position; but then she had to go and be a dick by telling me to follow my dreams.” Turner had told her friend only the day before that her dream was to work for The Onion or The New York Times, but that a career in teaching or writing instructional manuals was more likely. “After she heard that, she suddenly got so obnoxious,” Turner complained while rolling her eyes. “Like she just started telling me that I shouldn’t let my parents or my fear of failure keep me from shooting for the stars.”

Studies have shown that computer science majors at Cal have a post-graduation employment rate of about 87% into the tech industry while comparatively, 93% of English majors spend their first five years post-graduation finding work at Starbucks, small family owned bookstores, succulent shops, and writing plays for local theater companies to perform. “It’s really not the same thing,” said fellow English major Reid Story. “If some computer science major follows their dream and designs a new app for finding the best organic juice bars or whatever, accomplishing that dream is for sure going to get them enough money to contribute to gentrification in Oakland. If I followed my dream, I’m pretty sure I’d only be able to afford a spot in People’s park, sleeping next to a trash can.”

“I’m just tired of hearing the old platitudes over and over,” said Turner as she put her face in her hands. “How can I follow my dreams if they don’t follow me back?”