Gorgeous, Sensual Sexuality in Artistic Film and Photography

Rye on Prematurity

Today I was very much reminded that one of the things I want to do with this blog is to normalize a whole bunch of different aspects of male sexuality and show people that there are valuable reasons to be just as sensitive to its issues as we try to be with women’s sexuality. Rye of Uncommon Appetites took to their blog to explain a phenomenon that had been happening to him lately… He’s been experiencing ejaculation sooner than he would like.

Essentially, his masturbatory habits have become less frequent over time for a variety of reasons and he’s left with a lot more pent-up sexual energy. He loves pleasing his lovely partner Violet with his hands/mouth/toys, but she also loves it when they have penetrative sex, so they eventually get to a place where the penetrative sex just doesn’t last as long as they want.

This is where things get especially amazing… They spoke about it together and came up with a solution that totally worked for both of them. Instead of retreating out of shame or confusion or continuing on, just thinking that something might one day change, they took action. What did they figure out? He just needed to come once and get it out of the way and then he’d have a much easier time afterwards.

So, they went right to penetrative sex, they had a bit of fun and he ejaculated, then they kissed and played around until he was ready for round two, which was exactly what they needed. Perfect, right?

On top of making very sexy videos and sharing lovely glimpses into their lives, Violet+Rye are also real examples of making sex work. We all go through peaks and valleys, we all have things that sometimes interfere with the natural progression we’d like, but there are ways to communicate, explore, try things and work out a solution.

If you’re having any issues with any degree of premature ejaculation, this is a really great strategy to try. Who knows? It might work for you!

Have you ever had a little hurdle to get over, sexually speaking? What did you do and what did you try?

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33 thoughts on “Rye on Prematurity”

Well Camille in my experience masturbation can lead to premature ejaculation!
I found the answer was to change the way I masturbated, short quick thrusts with my hand was what made me cum quick and I found that when having sex this led to the same conclusion.
By changing to long faster strokes when masturbating I found I would last longer and with sex the same!
They say premature ejaculation is a mind thing, it probably is, but I found by changing my masturbation technique I sorted it.
It definitely worked for me, you’ve gotta work out what makes you last longer full stop. Even now if I wanna cum during sex I just go for short fast strokes, to last I go for longer deeper penetration.
This wouldn’t work for every guy I know, but each one has to work it out for them selfs.

Much the same for a woman I guess, they know exactly how to stimulate the clitoris for orgasm quickly? If they wanna last longer they do it slightly different?

These are my experiences anyway, hope it helps any guy suffering premature ejaculation, just find out what works and what doesn’t .

That’s really smart, Pete. It’s so great to know that people think critically about the connections between masturbation and sex, which is totally different for everyone.

And I’d say that women as a group (not to generalize too much) tend to have more of the opposite issue, with not getting enough continuous stimulation to have an orgasm, but there are ways around that too with positions, toys and stimulation from herself or her partner.

I’m a lifetime member of PEA (Premature Ejaculators Anonymous). Like Pete said, I don’t know whether it’s a genetic thing, a mental/emotional thing, or a result of physical conditioning (most likely, a blend of all three). I know I reached orgasm very quickly (within 1-5 minutes) when I first started masturbating as a pre-teen, and so I accepted it / desired it (it was a great way to fight insomnia!), and I never even knew I was “supposed” to last longer until the first time I had sex when I was 21. Eight years later, I still can’t last 3 minutes past penetration if I haven’t ejaculated recently— but, as V&R found out, I can last a LOT longer if I’m “running on empty.” So if I had a partner these days, I would definitely promote getting me off as a routine part of our foreplay, and then move on to sex knowing that I could last as long as necessary. I also rarely masturbate “quickly” these days— I’m not tantric, but I try to stretch things out as long as I can, although, as Pete also said, that almost always means not treating my hand like a jackhammer.

PE can definitely be a huge emotional hurdle. Over the years it has made me feel inadequate, defective, depressed, angry, inferior, and ashamed— but the crazy thing is that my partners have always been super supportive and tolerant. Even if they do (actually) feel frustrated with me, they know that I’ll never stop a sexual encounter just because I cum too soon. They know that I don’t intend to cum quickly, and they also know that if I have to pull out, I’ll most likely just give them extra oral. (Everybody wins!) Plus, there’s nothing wrong with warming up my partner for a little extra time… “everything’s better when everything’s wetter!”

Thanks to Rye for sharing this sensitive issue, and for suggesting a solution, and thanks, Camille, for promoting his wisdom!

Thinking more about this issue, I also wonder if some of the mental/emotional/social differences between men’s and women’s sexual issues are related to the way we promote their solutions. For centuries (millennia?), women weren’t expected to have orgasms during sex, or they wanted to but couldn’t get there from basic penetration. Solution? Toys, devices, public awareness of the clitoris and G-spot, and men who have been taught to be more aware of and interested in multi-stimulation sex (mouth/hands/genitals/toys). Maybe all these things are intimidating for women, but ultimately it seems like they can be both useful and fun. I mean, there’s a reason they are called TOYS, right?

Men, meanwhile, seem to be stuck with the “traditional western medicine” approach to their problems. If you can’t get it up, pop a Viagra. If you cum too quickly, use desensitizing cream or condoms. In other words, it seems like society has flipped its perspective from seeing women who can’t enjoy sex as medically impaired, to the same perspective now for men. Male problems are all “mechanical failures,” issues with the equipment. And that makes Rye’s solution to his PE so radical and important: he didn’t pop a pill or see a surgeon; he simply talked to his partner and found a way to have MORE orgasms instead of less and keep everyone happy. That’s pretty awesome.

That’s a really interesting point, Cal. I guess also part of it is just the difference between not being able to have an orgasm vs. having an orgasm before they wish to. As for the Viagra, though, that’s a different story, and some would say that women should have that option, but people don’t understand/care enough about female arousal to make it possible.

That said, you’re spot on… Talking it out is the first step, and often it can be resolved right there.

And I didn’t mean to disparage legitimate pharmaceutical solutions. Viagra has done wonderful things for millions of people, even those who were merely curious about its effects a year ago (hi, Mike!). And yes, there should definitely be equal options for women. There should be equal options for everybody about everything. There’s nothing that hurts as bad as being reminded that “people don’t understand/care enough about” something that is damaging people’s lives. Step 1: care. Step 2: talk. Step 3: solve. Step 4: enjoy!

(Also, I love the new photo-link for TAOB on this blog! The only reason anyone might not click on it is because they are too busy drooling over that cleavage… and imagining a cumshot dripping slowly down between your breasts… or Nigella’s breasts… or all four breasts together in the same film… excuse me while I go faint….)

Oh, of course not. I guess it’s just that there are very different dominant sexual issues between men and women, so it’s hard to accurately compare the social/medical reactions. Ultimately, I don’t think either is being treated with much care, sadly.

Oh, Cal! I just want to give you a big hug. For all the self-awareness, intelligence and critical thought, it’s tough sometimes… But truly, it sounds like you’ve blended a lot of wisdom that you’ve learned about your body, your ways of interacting with your partners and the way you approach sex and it sounds like you’ve worked it out. The fact that you’ve had kind, supportive partners just makes it clear that you have excellent relationships, which is what this is all about.

1) Masturbation, long or short duration, never seemed to change how long I could last or how long I could not last. In the past I experimented with it to see if I would change based solely on that variable. I had noticed the urgency to cum largely depended on what I am truly thinking about the partner I happen to have been with, and how skillful (honestly into it) the partner happen to be (or how into it I perceived the partner to be into it).

2) Maybe I was lucky at those times when PE could have been an issue for I being of an age where recovery was a rapid certainty, or I just never lost My erection. As I got into My fifties I noticed My recovery time was nowhere close to rapid, but PE never cropped up as an issue. But even as such, there is always something else to do (for it is not all about Me anyway) until hardness is willing to return:-)

3) Unresolved Hurdle: Never been able to ejaculate while in the prone position while receiving a blow job even though it all works as it should if I am standing.

It sounds like you’ve been able to sort a lot out, which is great. As for the blowjob… I guess some people just need different stimulation, and it is great to know the position that works best and get to it for the last leg of the blowjob. 😉

If you’re handing out hugs, I’ll take as many as you want to give, Camille.

I think it’s great if partners can understand and work things out to a common goal. Not just in sex, but life in general. I don’t have alot to add besides what has already been said so well here.

I have had my share of quickies, and like most men, can cum whenever I want to. But later in life, I had trouble getting/staying aroused during sex with a partner. I have mentioned here in other blog posts that I’ve had trouble ejaculating while receiving a blowjob. After spending some time here, I was able to relax and finally achieve this. It was all in my head – in both cases. But in general, I do find that going slower during intercourse prolongs my climax. Although there are times that I just have to bang on. I guess as long as the partners are on the same page, it’s all good.

It’s interesting that three of the guys here (Gerard, i8, and myself) find it harder or take longer to cum during blowjobs. I wonder if this is part of a bigger trend? Maybe something about the passivity of receiving a blowjob versus the activity of intercourse affects our timing? Or does it involve the different types of stimulation, or emotion, or…?

1) Read Your words and the words of the others over and over again. I’m not going to try to (initially) contradict Your or Their statements that it might have something to do with letting go of control, but what Others and You have said eventually made Me recall that it was not until midway through My forties that I experienced what was more than just cumming. Unfortunately for Me I told the female how wonderful it was what She did… to which She never did again.

2) I cannot recall but one female that did not desire Me to be the master no matter how much I was willing to submit, and that One still would limit the experience no matter what I said or tried. I would (often?) bring up in conversation ways in which the roles(?) could be reversed, They being in the dominate position (so to speak). Were the females that I participated in sex with knowingly being selfish, stroking My ego to increase the singularity of Their pleasure at My expense?

3) You, Camille, and several others seem to Me to be quite an exception from My small perspective. I have been abstaining from sexual relations for a while now just because I’ve finally allowed Myself to accept that the reciprocation has not been there; I’ve allowed Myself to be intolerant of the lopsidedness. Though I have in the past questioned that decision, much less so have I after twice since engaging in pursuit of a relationship with a female via dating services/sites. Trying to engage with Their egos not limited by person-to-person was impossible. The more They told the truth did They lie. Hence, the more The lied, the more They told the truth.

4) You said, “I think even more might have to do with the loss of control.” Who’s control? It’s easy to blame the guy, but is it the guy, or just the guy? Women. contrary to popular belief, make a whole bunch a lotta mistakes too. And since I can appropriately ejaculate in the Cowgirl position, a not-in-control position for a guy (though at least sometimes a movement-participatory position… if allowed), submission by the guy may not be so much, if at all, the issue when receiving oral sex from a female while being in a submissive position?

I didn’t mean any of this in an emotional/power dynamic way. I meant literally that blowjobs are a time when someone else is making the decisions about how fast/slow, hard/soft, deep/shallow, etc they’re going with your body. When you masturbate or penetrate someone, you make those decisions. So it all depends on how well the other person knows your body and reads your cues.

And really, personal experience doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. Women like all sorts of things, and the less you assume about them, the better.

Camille – I have to admit that I experience some premature ejaculation every now and then. What I’ve learned over time is that I (me and my body) need to cum fast the first time just to get it out of the way. The real thing starts as of round 2. It really doesnt matter how I achieve that first orgasm but most important how after that I really find my self enjoying and not over thinking the whole thing. Trying not to cum when you actually have to is probably one of the most intense and challenging mental games I’ve ever faced. I acknowledge this after many years – although I’m in my mid 20s – of frustration and embarrassment. Overall, I’ve learned about myself and how my body behaves and now I feel much more sexually liberated and most of the times more self confident.

I have just the opposite problem. I am diabetic and getting an erection is quite difficult at time. I use Cialis, but only get so many pills per month. Of course part of the problem is performance anxiety. On top of that I suffer from depression and I am on a SSRI class anti-depressant, which are notorius at making it diifucult to acheive orgasm. This affects both men and women. All of this has abeen a major strain on my marriage. At least my wife is supportive, including being willing to watch porn; from raunchy to the beautiful variety like Art of BJ.

I’m so glad that your wife is supportive. It’s a really unfortunate reality that side effects can make it impossible to achieve a particular state of arousal, but communication, openness and having a partner who is loving and enthusiastic about sex in all kinds of ways makes all the difference.

I have been to a sex therapist and my regular therapist gave us a really good book. I am fortunate that my non-marital best freind is a woman who is very open and willing to talk and give advice. Still it is hard to stay motivated sometimes and I still feel less manly because I need to take a pill.

Isn’t odd that when our brains or genitals get sick we get all goofy about it. Mental illness and sexual problems should be treated and viewed the same as any other medical needs. Easy for me to say, dificult accept.