things that you would never read in Twilight, New Moon, and so on

If you have ever been on the Lexicon before it got hacked, you might remember that they had a forum called "things that would never be said in Twilight/New Moon. Now that they changed it, you can't add any new topics and they didn't bring it back, which made me really sad. all their stuff was so funny! so i'm started one over here. just post funny things that you would never read in any of the books!

How bout this totaly cliche but still funny :D
Edward-"Bella im sorry but i've moved on"
Bella- "what??you said you loved me"
Edward"yes well jacobs offer was too good to ressist sorry" *skips off into distance*
Bella: ..... :O

ok so it alaways struck me about edwards suicide thing that he was so desperate for death but he just couldn't figure out how to do it...hmm the volturi the only option....

Rosalie: Edwarsd bellas dead, so now what u gonna do?

Edward: no, no no NO NOOOOOOOOO!!! I can't live without Bella i can't!

Rosalie: no Edward don't do anything stupid

Edward: no i won't i swear i wont go to italy...*in his head*--- yeah i super smart not like dum carlisle i worked it out using my massive inellect...i just throw myself into a volcano or lock myself in a crematorium oven....duh... these guys must think i stupid...gonna let some guys tear me apart and then burn me...like no!

emmett: *calls bella on the phone and gets her voicemail* Hey Bella... umm....first off i'd like to say im sorry....don't hurt me....well....i was playing around with this grizzlie.....you know emmett style and i may have accidentally fell on renesmee....

Jasper: I didn't kill the hiker that had a bleeding nose!
Alice: Really? Well I just took Emmett shopping!
Emmett: Do you want me to make you watch the film I bought for me Nessie about pink rabbits and flower fields?
Alice: Emmett? You bought it for yourself. I saw you doing it!
Emmett: But I was... I forgot you saw more than enough!
Alice: Bella! I hope you are filming this!
Bella: Can't. Shopping. Online.
Alice: BELLA! How could you!? This would look so good on Forktube!
Bella, Emmett, Jasper: What?
Alice: Edward! WHY AREN'T YOU READING MY MIND!!!???

Only some lines are topic-related. The others just lead to lines that are important

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Edward: Im a barbie girl, in a barbie world. *does a twirl* you can brush my hair and dress me anywhere! I feel so pretty, oh so pretty! i feel pretty and witty and GAY!!!! oh Bella don't you just love this skirt I'm wearing?

Bella: Oh My God!?!? what has happened to you Edward?? snap out of it! Jacob kissed me again today.

Edward: aww that's nice! he's so cute. and buff! *giggles*

Bella: aren't you going to get mad?? aren't you going to be all manly and beat him up??? growl a little? something?