The Way We Live Now: Sportingly. We shall not behave as animals simply because the recession is ravaging our society, shall we? As long as we have sports, we shall always have dignity. Uh. Do we still have sports?

Since the cavemen roamed our nation's primitive Native American malls, a dream of every red-blooded USA man has been to buy a sports team, hang out watching that sports team from the sweetest deluxe box for a few decades, then sell that sports team to some other sucker for mad money and just be fucking rich. But now the greatest tragedy ever in the history of anywhere has occurred, which is that sports franchises are actually losing value sometimes.

This is the most tragic thing that has happened from the recession ever, for 50 or so dudes.

What will become of entrepreneurship? Of capitalism? Of American pastimes? Of old fat white guys lording over their far-flung cow town municipalities thanks to their iron grip on the local football team, the only thing giving meaning to the lives of the poor fucks who live there, in Kansas City or Nashville or, especially, Jacksonville? We as Americans have little else to do except cheer for sports. If sports are in peril, everything is. What else will we do? Art? That's just some guy handing out "handmade discs" when you'd rather have a "disc" called money. Movie night? Sorry, Blockbuster's just about ready to file for bankruptcy, and nobody can figure out how we'll all get DVDs if we cannot walk our ass over to the local Blockbuster store.

The day that J. Wayne Weaver cannot flip the Jacksonville Jaguars for a tidy profit after sucking every penny out of the desperate municipality that surrounds his awful team of wipeouts is the day the American dream dies.