Churchill ‘snorted forty lines a day’

Former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill was constantly blazed off his face, historians discover.

Discovery of new records has revealed that celebrated wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill was absolutely mad for cocaine. Churchill has formerly been known for his stoical manner, delightful witticisms and indulgence in a little tipple, but this new evidence brings to light that his real passion was hoovering up line after line of the white stuff.

Historian David Beckett relates the secret life of Britain’s famous former leader. “He’d have his housekeeper set out a couple of lines ready for when he woke up. After that he was ready to face the day with renewed vigour. To quote from his diary here: ‘My breakfast eggs are dancing; it’s like little dragons are trying to escape from them. What the fuck is up with that?’ So you see, the drug had a profound influence on his reading of the world around him, and also, we can only presume, the political situation at the time.”

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Cocaine, which is known on the street as ‘Charlie’, ‘Wash’, ‘Toot’, ‘Percy’ and ‘Doctor Jingle’s Magic Wolf Whistle Emporium’, is notorious for making people thrash around like numpties in the belief that they are, in fact, dancing. It has been known to be lethal in some cases, largely due to extreme dehydration, or in other cases hyponatremia, definable as extreme overhydration, which makes it seem a rather fickle drug for such a stalwart leader to become attached to.

The discovery of Churchill’s misdemeanours has caused countrywide outrage. Ben McCreary, a casual binge drinker from Nottingham, said, “I knew Churchill as a gallant, respectable man whose only vice was chugging so much booze from breakfast onward that he could hardly stand.