Sunday, March 17, 2013

[Since I'm re-printing this for the umpteenth
time, I'll head off the sort of commentary I've received before. The
hideous "Irish" dialect I use here? Yes, I know that no real Irishman
speaks that way. It's a caricature, as many portrayals of the Irish
still are in film and on TV, and without even half the thought given to
it as I gave while concocting my intentionally abominable character. If
you find it offensive, well, DUH! That's the point.

If
you'd like to see how the Irish were depicted in the popular press
during previous centuries - that is, abominably (and, perhaps, there's
relatively little for me to complain about now) - try THIS. Anything that follows here is mighty tame by comparison.

I
suggest, for the most enjoyment on your part, that you now endeavor to
forget this introduction, referring back to it only if you find what
follows offensive.]

Jayzis, Mary an' Joseph! I’m
so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole an' it’s time fer me to go meet me
32 brithers an’ sisters who’re on th' police department an' me 64
uncles on th' fire department an’ me 487 cousins who work fer the state
because we’re all goin’ to Seamus McCarthy’s house to play th' harp,
drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef an' cabbage, an' then brawl all
night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor. Erin
Go Bragh!

(sigh)

I’m partly Irish. You
don’t get a name like Sullivan or a face like mine without some Irish
blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The
Irish are just about the only ethnic group that you can defame with
impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame
athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The
Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a
larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make
him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You
might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to
complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about
the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people
throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride
in our rotten image.

When I say “us”, I say it with
some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you
wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not
to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, of
course. And some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin
deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is my make up:

I’m
a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper.
However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll
surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll probably make a very wry joke
while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the
whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but
I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, yes, with
jalapenos on the side. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick
for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up
for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not
shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can
tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even
out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re
doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a
genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half
of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by
peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero, as
well as a derby under it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the
government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the
government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3.)

(Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So,
I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along
for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that it
isn’t Bastille Day. Or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

You are right about the Irish, they are the only group that does not take offense at offensive stereotypes. I think that is why everyone likes the Irish and so many claim some Irish ancestry. I am 1/16 on my mothers side...so 1/32 or something.

Happy StPatrick's Day!Not a very fine day here and nothing to let anyone know its the great Irish day. Well...... maybe there aren't any Irish round here (which I find hard to believe) ........ or maybe they are all in their little homes tucked away and drinking Guinness by themselves! Maybe things will hot up this evening! Who knows.Had to chuckle at your post.Maggie x

I had no idea you were more Hispanic than Irish! How did I miss that? I'm about as mixed up genetically as you are, although I don't think I have any direct Hispanic genes, only in-laws. Which is kind of surprising since my family has been in Texas so long, now that I think about it....Hope you had a great St. Patrick's Day!!

I am, among other things...

My actual name is Jim Sullivan, but I'll answer to Jim, Jimmy, Sully, Suldog, Laroooooo, or Your Prescription Is Ready. Despite all evidence to the contrary found within these pages, I am a professional writer.