When boys wear dresses: What does it mean?

Lori Duron worried when her son C.J. discovered Barbie at age 2 and became an instant fan. She worried a few months later when C.J. fashioned a "dress" from her tank top and accessorized with her plum-colored heels. She worried when her confident, cheerful little boy gravitated to all things pink, sparkly and fabulous, from nail polish to Disney Princesses.

Was C.J. going through a phase, she wondered?

Was he transgender? What would people say?

"It's so personal when it's your kid," says Duron, author of the memoir "Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son." "A lot of people see a boy in a skirt and think there's something wrong with them and they need to be fixed, so there's this urge to take care of the situation or take care of your child and protect them."

At a time when there's increasing awareness of transgender adults, the youngest gender-nonconforming Americans are also starting to come forward. That includes the kids who are adamant about having been born in the wrong body, as well as a much larger group of kids who consistently and markedly defy gender norms, but in ways that aren't as easy to categorize: boys like C.J. who love dolls and dress-up but don't identify as girls; girls who keep their hair short, refuse to wear dresses and sometimes say they want to be boys.

No one knows how many of these kids there are or whether any one kid will grow up to be gay, straight or transgender.

But parents and health professionals, who are increasingly embracing the idea that these kids need to be accepted exactly as they are, say there's a lot of advice they can offer to parents embarking on what can seem like a perilous journey.

"What we can say with certainty is that we know what every child needs," says Dr. Lisa Simons, a pediatrician at Lurie Children's Hospital's Gender and Sex Development Program.

"Every child needs to be loved for who they are right now — even if that changes over time."

For Duron and her husband, Matt, a police officer, that approach meant allowing C.J. to fully explore his traditionally feminine interests in a supportive home environment, while they figured out how to keep him safe in the larger world. In time, they allowed C.J. to bring his "girl toys" to the grocery store, just as his traditionally masculine older brother, Chase, brought his boy toys. It only seemed fair, says Duron, who blogs about life with C.J.

She says she also reached out to C.J.'s preschool teacher before class started, explaining his gender nonconformity, and was pleased with the response.

"I try not to get defensive," says Duron, 38, of Orange County, Calif. "C.J. has really taught me to hope for the best from people, because a lot of the time they meet that expectation."

Duron family

C.J. Duron is pictured here at about age 4, when he liked fairies, princesses and all things sparkly.

C.J. Duron is pictured here at about age 4, when he liked fairies, princesses and all things sparkly. (Duron family)

Studies of adult outcomes for gender nonconforming children tend to be small, outdated and focused on children who receive professional treatment for significant discomfort with their birth gender. They find that the vast majority of these kids stop wanting to be the opposite sex after puberty, with only 2 to 27 percent of children continuing to feel serious discomfort with their birth gender in adulthood, according to a 2011 study in Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

Studies indicate that gender nonconforming kids are more likely than average to grow up to be gay or bisexual, but again, those studies are small and focused on children experiencing distress over their birth gender. Studies find that anywhere from about 24 percent to 82 percent of those kids may grow up to be gay or bisexual.

As a general rule, the kids who are most "insistent, consistent and persistent" about changing their gender are the ones who are most likely to grow up to be transgender, says Diane Ehrensaft, director of mental health at the University of California, San Francisco, Child and Adolescent Gender Center.

"They will typically say, 'I am a girl,' not, 'I wish I were.' They often don't like their bodies and will say things like, 'Why did God get it wrong?' or, 'Mommy, can you put me back inside, so I can come out with the right parts?' Their play isn't fanciful — they're serious. They're often so distressed if people don't listen to them, and if they're allowed to socially transition (or live as the opposite sex), they typically get happier. They perk up."

Sarah Hoffman, co-author of the picture book, "Jacob's New Dress," says that her son Sam, who wore dresses to school when he was little but now prefers boy clothes, had some lonely years when girls stopped wanting to play with boys. But today, she says, he's doing great. At 13, he serves on the student council, has both male and female friends, and loves opera, building computers and math.

"He's so happy," Hoffman says. "I think there's something about going through a lot of early life challenges that built his confidence and his sense of self."

Duron says C.J., now 9, is also in a good place.

He's doing well at school, has a group of close female friends, and enjoys gymnastics, baking, art, watching HGTV and making things for his dollhouse.

"It's a really colorful life we have, and a lot of it is because our kids are so different," Duron says.

"They expose me to such different things — from "Minecraft" to princesses. It can really widen your world and your heart and your brain if you just kind of let it and have fun with it."

A version of this article appeared in print on April 17, 2016, in the Life+Style section of the Chicago Tribune with the headline "When boys wear dresses - Parents discuss the challenges, joys of raising young children who cross gender lines" —
Today's paperToday's paper | Subscribe