Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.

Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.

InTouch got a hold of the police report using the Freedom of Information act and they posted it today. Some people slow clapped for Jim Bob turning his kid in to the police, but they shouldn’t have, because he only did it so his state trooper friend could scare his son straight. According to the police report, Josh allegedly molested 5 girls starting in 2002 when he was 14. Some of the girls are his sisters. Jim Bob first learned about Josh’s alleged child touching ways in 2002 when a girl told him that Josh molested her in her sleep several times. 9 months later, another girl accused Josh of doing the same thing to her. More girls came forward and said that he mostly groped them in their sleep, but sometimes did it when they were awake too. You might need that hiccuping puppy video, so here it is in case you didn’t get it the first time.

After the first girl accused Josh of molesting her, he admitted it to his parents. Jim Bob claims that he “disciplined” Josh himself. After the second girl came forward, Jim Bob talked to the elders of his church about what he should do. The elders didn’t go to the police. Josh was put in a 4-month-long “Christian program.” Jim Bob originally lied to police and said that the “Christian program” involved counseling and hard labor. But Michelle Duggar later told police that Josh didn’t get any counseling. They just sent him to live with a family friend who did home renovations for a living. In 2003, Jim Bob and some of the church elders dragged Josh to the police station in Springfield, Arkansas so that a state trooper friend could give him a “stern” talking to. I’m surprised the room didn’t blow up from the hypocrisy of it all, because that state trooper was later convicted on child pornography charges.

The police investigation started because of OPRAH! When it was announced that the Duggars were going to be on Oprah in 2006, someone emailed Harpo and told them about what Josh did. Harpo gave the email to the Department of Human Services hotline. The cops opened up an investigation in 2006 and they immediately wanted to interview Josh. After two lawyers said “fuck no” to the case, Jim Bob eventually found a lawyer who agreed to take it. Jim Bob let the police know that they had lawyered up and Josh would not talk to them.

The police were able to interview several of the girls. Jim Bob and Michelle also told police that Josh was really sorry for what he did and had apologized to the girls, because you know, that makes everything better.

An alleged victim told police in 2006 that Josh had told “mother and dad what had happened… (and) asked for forgiveness.” The report notes the alleged victim says Josh “sought after God and had turned back to God.

Jim Bob told police that “several members of their church were aware of the situation and had been supportive of the family.”

Josh, who is 27 now and has three kids (one of which is a little girl), was never charged, because the three-year statue of limitations had already expired.

TLC has apparently not made any decisions on what to do with 19 Kids and Counting yet. I’m sure TLC will announce that they’re canceling that shit show and replacing it with a new cooking show titled Boopity Bop! Making The Cocktails with Bill Cosby.

Meanwhile, I’m sure that pasty mound of rotten dough that is Josh Duggar is somewhere going on and on about how the biggest threat against the American family is same-sex marriage. Uh huh.

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