Nobel Committee Asks Obama To Return Peace Prize

Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including the “really nice” case it came in.

Jagland, flanked by the other four members of the Committee, said they’d never before asked for the return of a Peace Prize, “even from a damnable war-criminal like Kissinger,” but that the 10% drawdown in US troops in Afghanistan the President announced last week capped a period of “non-Peace-Prize-winner-type behavior” in 2011. “Guantanamo’s still open. There’s bombing Libya. There’s blowing bin Laden away rather than putting him on trial. Now a few US troops go home, but the US will be occupying Afghanistan until 2014 and beyond. Don’t even get me started on Yemen!”

The Committee awarded Obama the coveted prize in 2009 after he made a series of speeches in the first months of his presidency, which convinced the Peace Prize Committee that he was: “creating a new climate of…multilateral diplomacy…an emphasis on the role of the United Nations…of dialogue and negotiations as instruments for resolving international conflicts…and a vision of world free of nuclear arms.”

But, he revealed the committee members were all “legless drunk” the day they voted, as it was the start of Norway’s annual aquavit-tasting festival. The “totally toasted” members listened over and over to replays of Obama’s Cairo speech, tearing up and drinking shots to the glorious future: a black man leading America and the world into a new era of peace, hope and goodwill. “For a few hours we were all 18 year-old students again at the beautiful, occasionally sunny University of Bergen! Oh, how we cried for joy!”

The chairman said the committee weren’t “going to be pills” about getting the Prize back because they still “basically really liked” Mr. Obama and that sending it back in a plain package by regular mail would be fine if it would save him the embarrassment of a public return. But added Jagland, “things could get nasty” if the committee didn’t see it by the time they announce the new Peace Prize winner in the fall. He and the committee then excused themselves to resume their celebration of Norway’s annual aquavit-tasting festival.

The White House had no comment. It later announced an aggressive new covert CIA initiative to identify and apprehend Al Qaeda operatives in Scandinavia.

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has twice asked President Obama through diplomatic channels to return his Peace Prize. Now they’re asking “one last time” and there’s nothing diplomatic about it.

Nobel Committee Chairman ThorBjorn Jagland addressed an overflow press conference this morning in Oslo. The normally urbane Chairman referred several times to the President as “Obomber”, compared his “re-invasion” of Iraq to that of “the sniveling war-criminal Dick Cheney” and demanded that his Peace Prize be returned to the Committee forthwith together with the “beautiful box” it came in.

Two years ago after the bombing of Libya, the assassination of Osama bin Laden and Guantanamo remaining open, the Committee quietly asked the President to consider returning his Peace Prize, in a brown paper package by regular mail if he preferred so as to avoid embarrassment. They heard nothing from the White House.

In 2013 as US drone attacks increased dramatically the Committee tried again to get Obama’s medal back adding that he could keep the very expensive box it came in. They even offered him a Consolation Nobel Peace Prize. Still nothing.

Now according to Chairman Jagland it’s “No more Mr Nice Guy” Unless the Peace Prize is returned immediately, he announced total cut-off of all Scandinavian exports to the US. “Not a single Volvo or SAAB or attractive wool cap with fake wool pigtails will find its way to American ports! Not one Swedish meatball will ever again pass American lips!”

White House spokesman Josh Earnest responded to the threat: “Actually the President doesn’t remember winning the Nobel Peace Prize. But if he did, he thinks he might have given it to Hillary.”