Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Aren't they great? Inquisitive little boogers - always wondering, always seeking answers to questions that would stump Stephen Frickin' Hawking (as he is known to his close friends).

The science questions are bad enough - and they seem to come when you least expect them: in the grocery checkout line, through the powder room door, while gesturing at an idiotic driver as you pass him at high speeds with two wheels up on the curb.

You know - when you're occupado.

In these situations, I've found that the inquisitive youngster (and the folks waiting in line behind you while you try to find your coupons and your club card) are most appreciative of an answer that sacrifices a smidgen of accuracy for the sake of brevity.

For instance:

Child: Why is the sky blue?

Parent: Because no one looks good in yellow.

Child: Then why is space black?

Parent: Because they turned off the lights to save energy. In the 70s, space was lit up like a landing strip.

Child: Where does rain come from?

Parent: The ceiling.

And so on.

Life moves forward, dinner gets made and (bonus!) somewhere out there in the future, a science teacher is hugging himself with glee at the discovery that yet another kid in class thinks the rings around Saturn were built by Nintendo as a Mario Kart practice track. (People like to feel good about their jobs, you know.)

The Bigger Questions.

Sure, these bite-sized science inquiries can be swatted away before the kid realizes we don't know the answers either without too much effort, but what about The Big Questions?

You know, the thanks-for-the-Legos-but-can-we-get-back-to-the-matter-of-where-we-came-from-and-why-we're-here-and-where-we're-going-next-type questions. (Known collectively among educators and parenting specialists as "The Widowmaker" or "The Flaming Chimichanga.")

Many of you probably have religious or philosophical foundations that provide ready-made answers to these fundamental questions. (Lucky!) There are many folks, however (myself included) who haven't yet found that single, ideal belief system that has it all: profoundly comforting answers to life's monumental questions without the pesky purple-cape-and-hi-top-sneakers dress code.

And so, when our children come to us thirsting for knowledge about the workings of the Universe and beyond, we want to provide answers - boy, do we - but, alas, we simply don't have them. Nor does it seem appropriate to give a youngster a completely candid response along the lines of "It beats the crap out of me, kid!"

Which leaves us somewhere in the middle: we have to say something...right?

Why not say this:

Question: "Mommy, where did people come from?"

Mommy: "In the steamy dawn of the Time of Gorgon the Fluctuator, it was decreed that certain things shall be so. Then, before we knew it, Bob's your uncle and here we are. Now, then! [clap hands loudly] Who wants frozen yogurt?"

Question: "Daddy, who is God?"

Daddy: "Your mother sent you to ask that, didn't she? Listen, go tell Mommy that I said God is - are you ready? - Eric Clapton."

Question: "Hey, Mom, what happens to people after they die?"

Mom: "Hmm, well, I don't know the specifics, of course, but I'm under the impression that if you're a good person your whole life, you go somewhere that has free valet parking. On the other hand, if you're not a good person, well, two words: shuttle bus."

* Unless you have a really big yard, we recommend using this answer only once.We hope you find these responses helpful as you are called upon to field The Big Questions. In the meantime, if you happen to know the REAL answers to any of the queries above, please post them in the comment box below. Also, I would really enjoy a pony and a zillion dollars.

LOL! You really are wonderful!My dad (who grew up in the "monument business", meaning tombstones, and who studied to be an embalmer until he found out he was allergic to formaldehyde) answered my "what happens after you die" question when I was 6, and I'm STILL in need of therapy! On, how I wish he'd said "valet parking"! I'll even happily take the shuttle bus! :-)

I like your answers better than all the ones I got in parochial school. You should be a metaphysical teacher. Huh? There is a buck to be made in that. You could be the next Deepak Chopra. I would much rather see you in PBS than Wayne Dyer.xxoo

Beats the crap out of me..until I was twelve I thought the trees moved themselves and that is what made wind...hey,I saw those mean trees in the Wizard of Oz,they were alive... so what else could I believe???!!!! Gheesh!

I was capable of answering, looking up, or making up the answers to any question thrown at me until "how does the baby get out?" suddenly shifted one day to "BUT, how does the baby get IN?" Then I went into full-on def-con five stammer-and-distract mode. It worked for what I can only assume is temporarily until the quenstioner remembers that question never got answered. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the trampoline option.

I did start a book when son Eli was starting to talk, to capture all the miracles and wonder. That lasted about two months. Sad, because he really did come up with some old man wisdom when he was 3 or 4. Good because there is no evidence of the 'answers' I gave him. I'm still fighting extradition to Oklahoma for promising my niece that planting M&Ms along the soccer field sidelines would grow huge M&M trees. Well, it was better than watching her brother play soccer. At age 6 they are like herding cats...

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Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist and the author of THE CHICKTIONARY: FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP, THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW (Adams Media, November 2011). Her work has appeared online at Salon.com, McSweeney's, TheBigJewel, MyPheme, FunnyNotSlutty and HumorPress. Anna's essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated and her fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles. She has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge and M Bar. Anna can also be found at www.annalefler.com, where she is trying to stop referring to herself in third person.