I too am confused about my sexual identity. I am married but only have sex a few times a year. I go to some gay websites and like the older men, that is what I was used to when younger, my first sexual experience. I used to be gaga and weak in the knees over women but nowadays I don't. I love the look of women but I look at how they are dressed and the shape of their body now wish I was born a woman. I fantasized and day dream about being a woman. From time to time I will cross dress at home too. I don't like being the agressor in a relationship, I don't want to be the dominant partner.

Wow - a question I've been dealing with for years - actually every day. I brought this up in another forum, but for me it's the triggers.

Pleasing another man is important and I can't say all men, but many men who have similar mannerisms or voice tones or looks as my childhood abuser.

For instance, there's a man I work with who has the same sense of humour as I - same work ethic - we've hit it off from the beginning. But when he comes over to my desk and stands in a certain way - pelvis thrust forward - my whole body tenses up and I start to get all childlike - and anxious - as I think he's going to ask me to suck him or that I just should be offering it.

Of course he's not going to - but it's there every day, and therefore I deal with my sexuality everyday. Would I enjoy it? I don't know if "enjoy" is the word. I would be fulfilling my duty to please him and would have no issue sucking him.

I actually brought this up to my second therapist after a year of sessions. I told him that in the past few months, since we'd opened up doors I felt the ability to be more honest with him, but at the same time, I was waiting for him to ask me to suck him - and actually, driving to the sessions, I'd rehearse how to get out of it, or IF I should - or IF I would have to show him what I did.

Well, we talked about it a little bit, but he only asked questions. He never said NO THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN HERE. He became quite uncomfortable and I realized (later) that I had started to shut down as soon as I brought that up and it wasn't dealt with.

Anyway - there we go - my wife of 23 years knows about it. She can even see me slipping into the childhood pleasing stage and can yank me out of it. But frankly, sometimes, its just easier to be there.

Alex, I would have to agree with most of us in here by saying that did take an immeasureable amount of courage. I admire that.

Basically, I can relate to the inner demon you speak of. Believe it or not, I have not had any of those urges in a long time. I've had them enter my mind but they cant control me anymore. THE COURAGE TO HEAL (by:Laura Davis)is a great book that deals with that issue. I learned that I could learn to control those urges. I know you feel ashamed after they come and go but there is no reason for that shame. You'll figure it out. I've learned that those urges or Fantasies that I've had were about me being abused, humiliated, and rendered completely helpless. For some reason, that urge completely took control of me. I am extremely attracted to women myself but those fantasies I had confused the heck out of me. I once new a counciler that had told me that a persons sexuality should not be rated as Gay, Straight, or Bye. Its should be rated on something like a likert scale which is basically like a scale from one to 10. If you try and look at it this way, maybe it will be more comforting for you in that you don't have to put a label on yourself. I'm not gay bye or straight, I am me. I know its so damn confusing and it can make you miserable. Just remember, you are exactly where you need to be. Courage and patience my friend, courage and patience.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

I am a 23 year old male. I am having similiar thoughts as you are having, but nothing within me is allowing me to act them out. I have never masterbated to gay porn never had these feelings ever until a few days ago. I feel like I see a man and I should do something to him. But nothing inside of me wants to, it grosses me out. I have had a girlfriend for the last 4 years and have never thought anything about this while we are having sex. I haven't seen her for a few months because I am studying my masters program in Spain. I am afraid it will wreck my sex life when she comes but I don't know yet because she will be here in 4 days. I can't get aroused by the thought of a man so the images and thoughts make me feel almost asexual, so wierd. I have been having anxiety attacks about uit because I can't quit questioning myself, I keep thinking I'm gay for even thinking along these lines.

At first I thought it had something to do with a friend that I experimented with when I was twelve, but I've checked that one off I know that does not make me who I am. Therefore I have com to the conclusion that it must have something to do with the sexual abuse that I suffered when i was child. My sexual abuse is only fuzzy memory I remember where it happened and some vulnerability but thats it. When it occurred I was three or four and I would not tell anyone what happened to me for fear that I would not be allowed to see my father. So I am wondering about what happened to me I just feel vulnerable and have the wierd thoughts as you had.

I was abused, but it is unclear what happened sexually, since, if it happened, it happened when I was very small. There was continued physical abuse through my early to mid childhood. When I was a young adult, I experienced attractions to 12, 13 year old boys. This really alarmed me. I became intensely involved in therapy. I then went into various meditation and other eastern religious groups and methods. When I came out to California in my mid-20s in the late 70s I got involved with a community of people who were into all sorts of ‘New Age’ and eastern spiritual methods, including martial arts and Hindu Gurus. The gist of it was that when I first arrived, I immediately became involved with some kind of radical therapy. I sat on a cliff in Southern California and wrote out my early childhood memory, and there were memories of abuse. I went through all sorts of screaming and crying. I began to see the patterns of physical and physiological abuse with my father and grandfather and beyond. Up to this point, I never acted out any of my attractions to early teen boys and after this whole radical therapy it pretty much went out of me. I figured it was because I could see where the abuse came from. However, I still had serious identity issues. At a point further on I got involved with another therapy and had a tremendous experience in which I pretty much totally identified with my therapist and all of the sudden I felt very ‘heterosexual’, and noticed women in a whole different way. I started to come onto women and had a couple of girlfriends. It seemed as though the past had disappeared. However, I came into a very stressful situation, became isolated and then returned to my past confused state. I became much more drawn to the gay scene. I did have a fulfilling and intense friendship with a gay man and have had two girlfriends since, the last one lasting 5 and one half years. But there was a serious issue with my attractions to men. I have had a man friend that I had sex with for years, not during my hetero relationships, but between. When I broke up with my x, I committed myself to somehow settling this confusion. Early part of this year, I had more intense sex with my long time male friend, but it was not right, we are really not family. But I could see that a gay relationship can work given certain commitments. But I have found that there is great hope in resolving my male sexuality in such a way that I can have confidence with a woman. I find that I get attracted to women in the 20s. The homosexuality has great attraction but is associated with my abuse. I believe that I can find love in a greater way with a woman. It has taken me a long time to accept my masculinity, since masculinity was associated with abuse and cruelty. To deal with it all, I spent a lot of time looking at male pornography. And my homosexuality was compulsive fantasy. At this time, I am working on not involving myself with male pornography (it has been over a month now) and doing my meditation and martial practices to circulate my energy, when possible. I am going to give it about 6 months to see if I can recover a certain spirit in my heart that has brought me a kind of resolution in the past. To see if I can find peace in my heart with men and with my own masculinity. At that time, I will think about what kind of partner I want, whether man or woman. But I don’t want to come to it from a place of compulsion, and I don’t want to lie to a woman. I want to straighten out what has been crooked. Thanks for all the posts, I can relate. You are all heros. This stuff is tough to deal with.

You sketch out a pattern of a lot of confusion, apprehension and drifting. But it doesn't surprise me. After all, youth is the time when a boy lays down the solid foundations he needs for a healthy attitude towards sexuality. If that boy is abused, then the foundations no longer get set down as they should be, and what is already there is wrecked.

One thing I wonder is whether you have been with the right therapist. There are so many approaches, and of course Ts are just as much individuals as we are. Perhaps you have been in a program that just doesn't suit you.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

Sorry you didn't get any replies to your request. That sometimes happens on the discussion board. A post just gets missed, and it doesn't mean you are being ignored.

For a young boy to be abused by his own father would be a very heavy and destructive experience. The boy will wonder why this has happened and maybe he just isn't worth any more than this. And if he cannot tell anyone, he will feel guilty and alone.

The images you are having may be recollections of those old feelings as a boy. How to reconcile them with how you feel now? Well, unfortunately that is something that few of us - if any - can do without professional help. The task is very complicated and requires a lot of work, but it is well worth it.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

Larry,I want to make progress without a therapist and with my own will. I know that I would feel better working with a therapist. I worked with a couple in the past three years and both were very good. I actually worked with them during the same time stretch - they had different approaches. I have come to a place where I feel I need to dig my feet in the ground with myself and allow myself to feel my strength. I will give this my 6 month period. In my experiences with therapy I have seen men who never leave therapy. I don't want to be one of them. I am sorry if my narrative indicates just drifting. I have come a long way. I know I have it in me to turn over to a new beginning. I have made new ‘beginnings’ in the past, but had always depended on an external therapist or group. These beginnings taught me things, but I did not maintain after the situation passed. I feel it in my gut to work on this part on my own. I have no regrets about the therapists that I have worked with. All the ones I worked with any intensity were all fantastic. And, anycase, therapists are expensive. I need to move out of my current job into something new. I need to let go of the past. Believe or not, I know every corner of my past, and there is no point in going over it. It is way over. I love my father. It is just the force of habit that arises out of psychological structures that originated in trauma. The first job is to uncover the trauma. The next step is to understand the resulting structure. The next step is to understand the abuser, and the following is to forgive the abuser. To have compassion for the abuser. The next steps are even more difficult. That is to build a new life. The force of inertia lies in egotistical attachments. The difficulty is that you have to do it on your own. I have been in plenty of groups and theraputic situations. Ultimately, the work is my own. That is where I am coming from. I have to take the final step. I cannot fail in that the intention itself is a success. If I fail in some respects, I do have theraputic help to go to. But I have no regrets.

Your approach to how you plan to deal with things over the next few months shows a lot of strength, character and determination. I think you are especially right when you say this:

Quote:

I cannot fail in that the intention itself is a success.

I wish you all the best in your quest. Only you can determine the course you will follow, and it is always good to be looking forward with hope and confidence, as you are doing, rather than back with regret.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

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