It's hard not to love David Luiz, as Manchester City fans are about to find out. Photograph: Kieran Mcmanus/BPI/Corbis

Waking up early to roll into the office and be saluted by screaming, strengthless headlines and stories that hold water as well as Adam Federici holds long-range shots, reminds the Mill of that old joke. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says: "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says: "Well why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says: "I would but I need the eggs." Well, the Mill guesses that's pretty much now how we all feel about transfer rumours. They're totally irrational and crazy and absurd but we keep going back to them because most of us need the eggs.

Speaking of things totally irrational and crazy and absurd, the Manchester City high-muck-a-muck, Roberto Mancini, has decided that since winning the league the atmosphere around their Carrington training ground is a touch too straight-laced, a bit too stuffy. And so to liven things up a bit he has decided to spunk a fat wedge of Abu Dhabi's hard-earned money on the Chelsea and Brazil defender David Luiz. It will cost £30m to get the defender to sing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore and repeatedly stand on rakes but Mancini reckons it will be worth it. One player who will not be around to share the mirth, however, is Kolo Touré. The former defender is off to ply his trade in Napoli.

Jesus is the answer to Wenger prayers. Wenger turns to Jesus. Jesus set to save Arsenal. Wenger looks to Jesus to resurrect Gunners. Whatever biblical spin you put on it, Jesús Navas is on his way to the Emirates, with the winger slotting in as a direct replacement for Robin van Persie, Alex Song, Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira, Dennis Bergkamp, Liam Brady, Nwankwo Kanu, Kenny Samson and Mother Teresa. The first piece of paper that parsimonious Arsenal pass to their Sevilla counterparts will have the sum of £11.8m written on it. Sevilla will have a good old laugh at that and will continue that vocal expulsion of air from the lungs that is generally accompanied by characteristic facial and bodily movements until the aforementioned piece of paper says £27m. One person who will certainly not be laughing at all this is Theo Walcott, who will be politely guided to the exit and asked to never show his face around the Emirates ever again.

Robert Green impressed Mark Hughes so much on his debut for Queens Park Rangers last weekend that the former up-and-coming manager has spent 15 hours every day since Saturday sacrificing trees to Zeus in a bid to gain favour with the child of Cronus and Rhea so he will provide Hughes with a keeper who does not chuck them in every week. So far the best Zeus has come up with is Internazionale's Júlio César who last made a decent save sometime around 2010 and thus should fit in with the club's strict policy of only buying players who are over 65 and who have been past their prime for at least 25 seasons.

Goals were about as rare as decent football at Villa Park last season but fear not Villa faithful, Paul Lambert has the cure for all that in the shape of Jermain Defoe. He also has the cure for all your defensive woes too; he is shipping Richard Dunne off to Stoke, where the Irishman's neat passing and stylish ways will fit hand-in-glove with the neat passing and stylish ways of the men from the city of five towns. Typing of Villa, Stephen Warnock has been pointed in the direction of the reserves and told to do his press-ups and sit-ups with them until another club sends a fax to Villa Park requesting the full-back's services. As if that is not humiliating enough for the one-time England prospect, he is probably going to end up playing for either Sunderland or Blackburn Rovers.

Nicklas Bendtner update: he is now off to Internazionale. Andy Carroll update: he is staying at Liverpool. And saving the best rumour for last. The one so fanciful, so outlandish, so totally irrational and crazy and absurd that is just has to be true: Marouane Chamakh will be bagging goals a plenty next season for no less a team than Tottenham Hotspur. Remember, you heard it here first, or if turns out to be false, then somewhere else.