Neurotic Ramblings of a Control Freak

Friday, July 11, 2014

That's how I've been feeling lately. I guess stress has gotten the best of me because I have been feeling super grumpy. I hate it. This week and last I've worked an extra day during the week which has messed up our whole routine. My kids get really upset when that happens. We've been getting prepared for vacation, which in a family of six is a big ordeal. My older girls have been such troopers helping me out. I haven't been the easiest person to be around. When I feel myself teetering crazy I tell them I need quiet time. Most of the time it works, other times not so much. Yesterday as a reward for helping me deep clean the house we went to get pedicures. Just me and my two oldest girls. We had really gotten busy tidying up the house and were tired. We deserved it. It was a first for me and Mylie. I had a great time. We relaxed and laughed, just enjoyed being together. It was great. As soon as we got home my mood shifted. Bree was following me around crying non stop. She was hungry and sweaty from being outside with Bryan. Bryan was finishing up waxing my car, which I am so grateful for. I had to figure out dinner, bathe the kids and start another load of laundry. Normally that is no big deal. For some reason I could feel my shoulders tighten and start to ache. Then anger just sort of washed over me. I really had to focus on my temperament to keep from being completely hateful. Every little thing bothered me. Emma came up and rubbed my neck and shoulders for me, without my asking. That little gesture meant so much. I stayed on edged until I had a big ugly cry after the kids went to bed. Bryan said he's noticed that I've been edgy for the last couple of weeks. Ever since the incident I previously wrote about. Today has been much of the same. The kids wanted to go to the pool. Mylie tried to help by getting Bronson in his swim trunks and swim diaper. Why that annoyed me, I do not know. It did though. Then when I came downstairs there was food on the floor which I don't like on my best day. I started barking orders while we cleaned up the down stairs. I checked Bronson's swim diaper, it was too small. I get him changed and start putting Bree in her suit and it starts raining. The kids start melting down and so do I. Emma asks me what is wrong with me lately. I don't know. I truly don't. I don't like it. So, I take some deep breaths and try to calm down. After I feel a bit more relaxed I get on the floor and play with the kids. They eat it up. All three little ones are all over me. I'm tickling and kissing and it's so much fun. We do this until we are all winded. I go to Emma's room to play with her. I know she's a teen but she still needs attention and affection. I try to tickle her and hug her. I have to wrestle her to do it. She says to me, one minute you're all mad the next you're trying to play with me. It's true. The thing is, I'm doing my best. I am human. I don't like when I get angry or sad. I don't like them seeing me as mean towards them or anybody else for that matter. It happens though. It sucks when it does. Her saying that makes me feel like I can't win. I try to calm myself and still the negative wins. I am a firm believer in we choose our behavior. So why is it so easy to choose to show ugliness to the ones that are so important to me? I don't like it. I will try to do better. Stay calmer. It can be quite difficult.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Disclaimer: I am not going into specifics to protect the stupidity privacy of my children.

Well the contentment didn't last long. Things have definitely been spinning out of my control. I feel like I'm circling the drain, holding on with whatever I've got. I'm questioning every choice I've ever made the entire time I've been a parent. To be quite honest, it sucks. That's the nicest way I can think to put it. I cannot wrap my mind around the situation I'm having to deal with. I am completely blown away by the amount of deception and manipulation that has been used against me. Although I do not feel the intention was to cause hurt or mistrust, it did a lot. When I had my first child an overwhelming sense to protect took hold of me. As soon as I saw a positive test I did everything I could think of to be a good mother. Maybe I was misguided or maybe it just wasn't enough. I tried though. Anyone that knows me knows I'm very protective. I'm involved. I have rules. I don't let my children just go out with their friends, I have to meet the parents. I have to know what they are planning to let them do. I have to know that parents are going to be supervising them, that they won't be dropped off somewhere. I get a lot of grief because of that. I honestly don't care though. I'm the parent, not a friend. I don't have to allow things just because another parent does. Still, it wasn't enough. No one warns you before you have children how difficult it is when they become independent. Not just from the pain in the ass stuff like getting into things. When they can make their own mistakes, important ones, and you can't do squat about it. That instinct to protect doesn't lesson as they grow. For me it has intensified. Knowing I only can do so much to keep my babies out of harms way brings me extreme anxiety. That anxiety often provokes me to snoop. My kids know I do it. I do it in front of them. I buy all their things so I feel I have every right to go through them when ever I feel the need to. I do my best to be calm about anything I find that upsets me. I talk to my children about our family values and respecting themselves. I praise them at every opportunity to help build a positive self worth. I am one of those look for the good parents. I try to guide them on their accomplishments rather than just correct negative behaviors. Even with all that, the only thing that matters is what they choose to do with what I teach them. They are human. They tend to prefer to learn the hard way as most of us do. It seems that regardless of all that I do to protect them, it's just not enough. Trouble has a way of finding us. I don't know what else to do. I am conflicted. I try to maintain a balance and give a sense of privacy. With all the lies and manipulation I find that hard to do.I don't want to be so over the top protective that as soon as they get out of the house they run wild. Yet, I refuse to allow certain behaviors while I have a say. It's quite difficult to manage. A very thin line to walk. I will continue on and do whatever I need to in order to guide them correctly. But like I said before, this sucks.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Things have been really peaceful lately. The kids finished up their school year. Mylie got several awards, including all A honor roll all year. We are proud. The pool is open and the weather is nice. We've been spending most afternoons there. Emma's had company come stay with us. It's been fun. Bree has really adapted to the water. Her bravery can be uncomfortable for me. Either me or Bryan try to stay close to her at all times. Mylie is part fish apparently. She doesn't even use her floats. Bronson does his own thing mostly. Every now and then he'll ask me to take him out where his feet can't touch. It's nice cause the pool is made like the beach in the sense that as you walk it gradually gets deeper until you step down from 2 feet to 3 feet. So far all our neighbors we've met at the pool have been quite nice. We had new neighbor's move in next door as well. The guy is friendly and seems to have a bubbly personality. I haven't met his wife yet.They don't have children which is kind of a bummer. The ladies in the sales office say that the people moving in behind us have kids. I hope so. We've spent a lot of time outside. Grilling most of our food, letting the kids run through the sprinkler and eat their weight in ice pops. As I was speaking to my husband the other night I realized, since I've pulled away from anyone that has proven toxic to my mental health I have been at peace. Bryan and I have had much fewer disagreements. He hasn't felt pulled between our family and his. It's been nice. It's unfortunate that this is my reality. I think too much was shared. I am a good listener. People often open up to me. I am also loyal, so what is said is kept to myself. I listened whenever a vent was needed. I heard so many hurtful things that were said about me and I was asked to keep them inside. I truly don't think it was to upset me. I believe in my heart it was just nice to get it all out. Everyone needs someone to talk to. It just got to be too much. I didn't want to betray the trust of someone dear to me. It was just overwhelming trying to hold it in. Realizing that I am the odd man out, and will most often be viewed as in the wrong has taught me to invest less emotion into these people. I still haven't spilled the beans. I don't want to cause any heartache. Just not hearing anymore negativity has improved my disposition tremendously. I will hang onto hope for change in the future.Until then, I will keep my focus on those that I love and that love me in return. It seems that is my therapy. My babies bring me unconditional love and pure joy. My husband and the life we've made together is fantastic. We are immensely blessed.