Taking a much-needed break, my wife spent the weekend in a cabin near Rock Springs with her posse. We don’t spend a lot of time apart and when we do, it really underlines the differences between the two of us; while she and her girlfriends were going for leisurely hikes and cooking gourmet meals I was back in Austin, doing as little as possible by day and grubbing for stray Crunch ‘n Munch in the sofa cushions at night.

I’m not left to my own devices very often or for very long, and it’s probably a good thing. Every time I am left unattended, I am amazed at how quickly I devolve from a fairly high-functioning humanoid to a sort of Gollum with a Roku box. Going feral so quickly makes me wonder if other married guys are similar. Accordingly, I devised a brief survey for my fellow married men. Have fun!

1) When your wife is away, the first thing you reach for when you wake up is:

The framed wedding photo from your nightstand

Two aspirin and a big glass of water

Very quietly, your pants and car keys

Pistol and one bullet

If you answered 1, you’re a sap. Deduct five points and grow a pair. If you answered 4, deduct 10 points, grow a pair, and quit watching the Oxygen Channel. If you answered 3, you’re a very naughty boy; deduct 15 points and behave yourself if you plan to keep your pair. The only acceptable answer here is 2 – add 10 points.

2) Which of the following best describes your typical breakfast when your wife is away:

Coffee and toast

Yogurt and fresh fruit, garnished with a sprig of mint

Sushi that spent night on kitchen counter

Double espresso and bong hit

If you answered 1, you’re a sensible guy – and by sensible I mean boring. Deduct five points. If you answered 2, you should not be taking this quiz, because you are clearly gay – but add five points for being fabulous. The correct answers here are 4, followed by 3 — because the bong rip gave you the munchies. Add 10 points (and well done).

3) Which of the following best describes your typical dinner when your wife is away:

A healthy balance of all the recommended food groups

Requires a microwave and a spork

Comes out of a keg

Fuck dinner

If you answered 1, you are boring beyond belief and might as well be married, since you have no reason to be single; deduct 5 points. If you answered 2, nicely done, and add 5 points. If you answered 3, very well played indeed, sir, and please add 10 points. If you answered 4 because of 3, your bachelor kung fu is still strong, Grasshopper; give yourself 15 points and take a well-earned nap.

4) Which of the following best describes your television viewing habits when your wife is away:

The Godfather

The Godfather Part II

The Godfather Part III

All of the above (and porn – duh)

Do I really need to tell you how to score this one?

5) In your wife’s absence, how often do you:

Shower

Cook

Make bed

I thought you said my wife was out of town

Please see 4.

6) How many of the following do you typically need to get done before your wife returns? Please list them in order of their impact on your long-term happiness and / or your continuing to breathe in and out.

Shave

Mow lawn

Clean house

Buy flowers, card

Clear browser history

Repair drywall

Make bond

Retain attorney

Establish credible alibi

Join witness protection plan

No scoring here – these are just a few reminders.

7) Here’s the final part of the survey. Your score here can make or break you, so please answer honestly. Deduct five points if you have taken the hand lotion from the bathroom to any other location in the house. Deduct another 10 if you actually left it right next to the computer. Take off a further 15 points if you’ve ever had to make a trip the store solely to replace a depleted bottle of hand lotion; however, add 50 points if your wife was only gone overnight.

One of your finest efforts ever, in my opinion. Apart from the expected generous helpings of The Funny, there’s so much truth here. We married men chafe at stereotyping, but the stone col’ fact is, we’re all the same guy when our shorties are away.

Indeed. Since the mountains will not come to El Jefe, El Jefe must go to the mountains. While his fu was already muy fuerte, his recent pilgrimage only made it stronger. And, as the penguin said to the mechanic, “I swear that’s just ice cream!”