*** UPDATE: Within days of the following post going live, we heard from Time Warner Cable! They have pulled the tool down while they revise it. Read their response here. ***

According to Time Warner Cable’s WiFi-Denti-fier tool (which is linked from Time Warner Cable’s homepage), only straight white people use WiFi and Time Warner Cable. Since our site’s focus is on issues of sexuality, we’re just going to discuss one half of this problem:

Apparently, gay and transgendered people never have problems with movies endlessly buffering, which is one of the many annoying device overload problems this tool is meant to help you solve. What this ridiculously out-of-touch animated tool won’t help you solve: your gender identity crisis. The first page begins with the instructions, “Let’s start with an easy one: Are you a guy or a girl?” Wait, what? Do movies buffer differently for guys and girls? Do women need their tech advice given in a pretty pink font?! If you wait too long to select your gender — because, you know, maybe that’s a complicated issue for you that you don’t feel like discussing with an animated tech tool — the animated woman, wearing a pink shirt, naturally, cocks her hip and shimmies her shoulders a little. The dude, meanwhile, scratches his leg in a manly way (at least they stopped just short of ball-scratching). On the next page, you’re asked who else shares your WiFi with you. If you click the “My Better Half” option, then TWCC immediately places a person of the opposite sex next to your gendered icon on the couch. The only other option is to select “a few roommates,” as if it’s still the fifties and you’re still lying to your parents about who that gorgeous hunk is who shares your apartment and your answering machine. Apparently people who choose to marry or even just cohabit with someone of the same sex don’t use Time Warner Cable. (Actually, after discovering this, maybe they won’t!) Oh, and we’re guessing we don’t even need to tell you that if you select the “Our (Big) Family” option, the animated nuclear family on screen is fully compliant with the Tea Party’s “family values”… TWCC obviously invested an incredible amount of time and money into this tool, animating the characters, coming up with cheeky copy, etc. It’s not like it was a single, unthinking line of text or code. And it’s not like these are intentionally retro figures — the women wear skinny jeans, and the men have hipster facial hair, pompadours, and tattoos. It’s like Williamsburg or Silver Lake, except without any gay people. We cannot believe that not a single person in the entire process spoke up and said, “Hey, remember that time when Ellen came out on Oprah’s television show and said she was gay and oh yeah that was 1997 and also probably a bunch of people were watching courtesy of Time Warner Cable.” And we haven’t even covered the complete whiteness of all the avatars involved! What’s up with that, TWCC?

Wow, what happened to the all the world travel the contestants on (and viewers of) The Bachelor/ette have come to know and love? They really kept it real (and cheap) this season, by limiting the majority of the shooting to the continental United States. Santa Fe, the Badlands, Arlington, Iowa? Pretty much the least colorful places in America. Could the producers have felt a sense of responsibility to keep the ladies’ expectations in check, considering where the one lucky “winner” would eventually end up (i.e. Bumblefuck, USA)? Even the fantasy-suite trip seemed a lot less glamorous than usual. Don’t get us wrong, Bali looked cool and amazing — we would enjoy seeing the old temples and the ways of rural village life ourselves. But it also looked damned hot and humid (poor Kaitlyn’s hair looked like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti over her head). And we would have been inclined to spend the entirety of our time in the fantasy suite checking Prince Farming for monkey lice. But maybe something can be said for dialing back the glam and giving contestants a better shot at falling in love (or not) with the person rather than the experience.

Since clearly Chris was in the driver’s seat of this love bus and all three ladies were just along for the ride this week (having all admitted to actively falling for him), the best love lessons to be gleaned from this episode seemed to be rules solely applicable to hetero bachelors:

If you’re over eighteen and you’re dating an adult female, she’s a “woman,” not a “girl.” Got it? Good. (While we’re at it, don’t use the word “gay” or “retarded” to describe something you don’t like, and don’t use the word “bitch” or “pussy” to describe guy friends you’re making fun of.)*

Even if you feel like you are falling in love with more than person, don’t actually tell both/all of them that. Follow traditional Bachelor rules and keep it to yourself until you figure your shit out. Otherwise, you’re just giving someone false hope, making your inevitable breakup with them even more painful. And let’s be honest, odds are you’re not going to end up in a legitimate polyamorous relationship (the sister wife thing doesn’t play well in the real world).

Every guy should have a non-judgmental, supportive friend like Chris Harrison with whom he can talk about his relationship troubles and his deepest feelings, without the fear of being called a “bitch” or a “pussy.”

We’ve said it once, we’ll say it again: It’s alright to cry…In public…On national television…Especially when you break up with a nice, cool woman…Who is going to be the next Bachelorette…And make you really regret dumping her in the first place. Being in touch with your feelings makes up for your piss-poor judgment.

Among the types of people who can really muck up your life, there is the toxic narcissist.

Narcissism exists on a spectrum. These self-centered folks can simply be more focused on themselves, or it can cross over into an actual personality disorder. Either way, narcissists are legendarily difficult to have relationships with. So, if you are truly coping with one it might be time to make some hard decisions about the relationship.

Here are some signs that you might be dating a narcissist:1. He lacks personal responsibility.

It is never, ever his fault. The narcissist can’t see the other person’s side of an issue or admit that he had a part in something that went wrong. He denies the reality that he cause a lot of his own problems.

2. When confronted with your feelings, she lacks remorse.

This is particularly hard to deal with in romantic relationships because it’s essential to be able to work through problems with your partner.

Since narcissists don’t believe they’re at fault in disagreements or misunderstandings, coaxing a sincere apology out of them is difficult and hollow.

They’ll argue in such a way that causes you to feel guilty even though they’re actually at fault.

3. They manipulate you to get what they want.

Since the most important person on the narcissist’s list is himself, he sees the people in his lives as means to an end. If he needs admiration, attention, or to borrow $100, he’ll find a way to get it from you.

4. Preoccupied with perfection.

Narcissists likes their outer appearance to match their elevated perception of the world. Surface appearances are extremely important to them.

Since in their eyes their partner reflects upon them, they’ll often try to control the image that their partner and family projects.

This often involves micromanaging your appearance and decisions. They’ll often make their partners feel like they should be striving to reach their imagined idea of perfection.

5. Their life is secretly in shambles.

While they may strive to appear perfect on the outside, things are not what they appear underneath.

Because narcissists can even convince themselves that their lives are going perfectly, they gloss right over “hard work” and “persistence.”

That, combined with the fact that they treat others like crap, leads to messy breakups and rocky relationships.

6. They have charisma.

A narcissist can be magnetic … at first. Frankly, putting on a repellent self-centered attitude would run contrary to a narcissist’s goals — namely, creating admiration and attention in others to get things from them.

As a result, they usually have a carefully crafted public persona.

7. They steer the conversation toward themselves.

It doesn’t matter what’s happening, narcissists can make it about themselves. They seek out praise and validation from others and are drawn to flattery to support their oversized self opinions.

Narcissists are the wrong people to confide in since they’re so self-absorbed and rarely consider the needs of others.

They’ll make you feel like you’re boring or inconveniencing them or change the subject to something that they are interested in, usually themselves.

9. They can’t stand criticism.

While they may be adept at cutting you down with criticism, narcissists don’t handle criticism (constructive or otherwise) well. They may hit back or lash out.

10. They have less empathy.

Recent research suggests that while narcissists have lower levels of empathy as a whole, their ability to empathize with others depends on the individual’s level of narcissism. Either way, this characteristic makes them uncaring partners.

11. Your relationship revolves around their needs and wants.

When the going gets tough, narcissists will often check out completely. Because they’re so low on empathy, narcissists have a hard time putting the needs of others above their own.

As a result, narcissists make difficult, uncaring parents and lovers. As the partner of a narcissist, your needs won’t likely ever cross their radar, let alone come first.

Most people who write in to advice columnists “know” the answer already. You may love this guy to bits, but please wake up: you DON’T have a healthy relationship. People treat us the way we allow them to. You set the stage for your dissatisfaction when you went for en entire year without making your sexual needs known. And when you had the “awkward conversation” (see: “this relationship is not healthy” comment above) he made half-hearted attempts to please you. I think you answered your own question with the “he isn’t even trying” comment. You two either need to get real comfortable communicating with each other (which is going to take a lot more awkward conversations before it gets better) or you need to realize now that you’re incompatible. If he really is going to “give up altogether” if you keep asking for your needs to be met, he’s not relationship material, despite how much you think you love him.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If guys had to choose between only intercourse or only blowjobs for the rest of their life, which do you think most guys would choose?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys would choose blowjobs, but they really should be choosing intercourse. BJs are the best thing to happen to sex since sliced bread, but with added perks (let’s just say it’s like taking your car in for an oil change and getting a free car wash). Most men don’t get as many blowjobs in their daily routine as they’d like, so the prospect of guaranteed hummers for life is a dream come true. But it’s a devil’s bargain. Blowjobs are awesome, but they’re unsubstantial — mere icing on the cake. And a man can’t feel truly satisfied on a diet of sugar frosting alone. At some point he’s going to want to connect meaningfully with his partner. And by the time he gets to be 30 or 40 he may even want to have a baby. (Yes, men have biological clocks too. Ours are not as prominent as women’s, they’re more like pocket watches, but we have them.)

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I think most guys would struggle with this one, but then decide that intercourse would be the better choice. There are more variations of intercourse, for one thing. There’s more skin contact which is always nice. Giving her pleasure at the same time is a big turn on. The fact that intercourse is active rather than passive makes it a more likely choice for guys. We like to do stuff… like aggressive pelvic thrusting.

Gay Commited Guy (Terence): Intercourse is the winner — by a technicality. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m guaranteed a climax with intercourse, whereas blowjobs end happily about half the time. And if I’m drunk, the odds are even lower. It’s a Sophie’s choice I hope I never have to make.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.

We recently published a top 10 list — only slightly tongue in cheek — of “sexy” Halloween costume ideas for men, in an attempt to balance out the playing field this October 31st. To highlight exactly why the world needs more Sexy John Boehner Crying and Sexy Walter White, here is a top 15 list of the worst “sexy” Halloween costumes for women. All of these costumes actually exist.

Here us out: Mom’s loved the Twilight series, but secretly wished there was more sex in it. Along comes the Fifty Shades series, which is essentially Twilight fan faction, and there’s tons of sex….kinky sex. Moms across the country go gaga for it, so much so that it’s dubbed “mommy porn.”

There are just a few problems:

Fifty Shades doesn’t tell moms how to incorporate any of this stuff into their own lives

it doesn’t mention specific quality products or where to get them

it perpetuates myths about kink

it even promotes some very dubious (i.e. unsafe) behaviors and techniques

A mom friend of ours recently wrote us, saying she’s been married for a loooooong time and needs some new ideas, asking which book of ours we would recommend. We told her 150 SHADES OF PLAY: while it does cover some intense kinky stuff, it also covers the basics; it’s not visually graphic; it has a great sense of humor, which makes it fun and non-intimidating to skim with a husband or partner; it gives readers a vouyeristic look into how extreme some people can get with BDSM which might make them feel more comfortable and confident to try new, mildly kinky things. Because let’s face it: a little toy or light bondage is nothing compared to pony play!

Plus, it just won a 2013 Ippy Award!

So when making the mom in your life a Mother’s Day care package this coming May, remember: flowers are nice, but floggers are nicer.