Tonight we get a special LIVE Wednesday night episode of Big Brother. Except that it’s pre-taped. So I’m not sure what we’d call this. Whatever the verbiage, we get to see Chenbot rocking a badass cheetah-print dress so I’m good to go…

The standard black-and-white flashback sequence that starts each episode reminds us of the decision that Rachel (with an “R”) made to nominate Kalia and Porsche for eviction on the grounds that they were coming after her, so she’s coming right back at them. I respect that Rachel didn’t pull some B.S. line about “nothing personal – it’s only game” like pretty much every other spineless sac on Big Brother always does, and instead she rationalizes her nomination choices with the same bravado and lack of concern for jury votes that she uses in her goodbye messages each week. In the diary room she tells us that Kalia has tried to get her out more times than she can count, which is probably true seeing as Kalia has only gone after Rachel once or twice. Porsche says that she and Kalia are the “biggest competitors in the house”. Also true, but only because all either of them ever do is eat.

The two nominees hole-up in a room to speculate if Adam, assuming he won the veto, would use it on them to ensure that they both stay in the house. Meanwhile Jordan is also concerned, so she goes to talk to Adam about it, who is sitting by himself in the purple room. She walks in and greets him with, “What are you doing?”, to which Adam replies, “Just laying here”. I can’t help but laugh to myself because that same exact interaction could’ve theoretically gone on verbatim during any competition throughout this entire season.

It’s a busy episode, so the veto competition kicks in pretty early. This time it’s something we’ve never seen before. No, not a competition we’ve never seen before – that would be absurd. I’m talking about a shark that eats pies. Makes perfect sense. If you’re high on PCP. Clearly the Big Brother gods have something against Kalia, because we can’t really be expected to believe that with the entire back yard littered with desserts, she will have the ability to remain focused on the task at hand. Unlikely, Big Brother…and I’m on to you.

This is yet another variation of the annual OTEV competition where some monstrosity in the back yard makes rhymes about a past contestant, and then the current houseguests need to race to find an object with that contestant’s name on it in order to avoid elimination. The only difference this time around is that Big Brother passed on the “rhyming” part and instead just went with phrases that were completely devoid of any creativity. With the hopes that someone at CBS is reading this and wants to give me a job next season writing for OTEV, I’ve decided to take a stab at what I would have done:

ROUND 1:“I’m hungry for the tasty pie who was no chum of Daniele’s and called her a Judas on the live show”

Jordan, still waiting for that mental challenge that she claims to excel in, comes in last and is the first one eliminated. She says that it’s “almost embarrassing” to be the first one out in a competition yet again. “Almost”, Jordan? You’re competing against the likes of Adam, Kalia, and Porsche, and it’s “almost” embarrassing? Yeah.

ROUND 2:“I’m craving a sweet pie who chewed his way to the Power of Veto in the Big Brother Candy Store”

ROUND 2 – MY WAY:“I’m craving a sweet pie, who’ll live with his mom until he dies”

ANSWER:Dominic Pudding Pie

Rachel gets blasted out on this round, leaving the powerhouse triumvirate of Porsche, Kalia, and Adam left to duke it out. OTEV jumps into Round 3 as quickly as possible, before the three of them all start napping…

ROUND 3:“I wish to dine on the mouthwatering pie who was zinged with a biting remark about his soul patch”

ROUND 3 – MY WAY:“I wish to dine on the mouthwatering pie, who may look great but has the brain of a fly”

ANSWER:Peanut Butter and Jeff Pie

Kalia gets eliminated this round, and the way she’s crying you’d think the refrigerator was just evicted from the Big Brother house. You know it’s outlandish when Rachel is calling someone out for their overdramatics. Kalia covers her face with her shirt for the rest of the competition so that she doesn’t add insult to injury by torturing herself watching everyone else having fun digging around in food.

ROUND 4:“I want to feast on the delicious pie who lost all seventeen competitions they played in”

ROUND 4 – MY WAY:“I want to feast on the delicious pie, who lied and lied then went bye-bye”

ANSWER:Shelly Jelly Pie

Porsche mishears “lost all seventeen competitions they played in“ for “left after seventeen minutes they were in the house” and grabs Keith’s pie. Adam correctly grabs Shelly’s pie and wins the competition. As if rehashing competitions weren’t bad enough, we even get a rehashing of post-competition activity from last season with Adam being the Ragan to Porsche’s Enzo, tossing his pie at OTEV and nearly lopping Porsche’s head off. Before the commercial break, Julie Chen teases us with “Will Adam use the Power of Veto and put Jordan’s game in jeopardy?” A valiant effort to build suspense, Chenbot, but you’ve fallen short yet again. Unless this is your first time tuning in, we all know that Adam actively pursuing any gameplay activity is entirely out of the question.

Back from commercial we get a glimpse at the Jury House. Brendon now has friends to pick oranges with, and the three sequestered evictees put together a “Loser Luau” to await the arrival of the fourth reject. Shelly surprises everyone there, and Jeff wastes no time being the same bitter overly-entitled brat that he was all season in the house:

JEFF: I wanna hear the story of the person that got me out. What’s up with us, Shelly?

SHELLY: Well, Jeff – I was playing this game called “Big Brother” where I was trying to win a half-million dollars by whatever means necessary.

JEFF: But I was trying to have a three-month vacation with my girlfriend! Where do you get off breaking up my summer of passionless platonic romance?!

SHELLY: If I didn’t evict you or Jordan when I had the chance, I wouldn’t have stood any shot against you two in the finals.

JEFF: But I’m Big Jeff! CBS’s golden boy! You had no right to get rid of me! Didn’t you read the “It’s Jeff’s Way Or The Highway” clause in your contract?

SHELLY: [puts pacifier in Jeff’s mouth, picks him up, and pats him on the shoulder] Awww, Jeff – it’ll be okay. There’s still plenty of other CBS shows for you to go on.

After commercials for “CSI: Technotronics” and “Two And A Half Clown Shoes” (coming this Fall!), we’re taken to the aftermath of the veto competition. Kalia locks herself in the bathroom and continues her pity party. Through tears she laments, “WHY?!” (uhhh – because you sucked a nut at the competition) and gives the Cry Of The Veterans – “IT’S SO UNFAIR!”.

Eventually Kalia composes herself enough to regroup with Porsche and tries to convince Adam to use the veto and send Jordan home:

KALIA: I’m guaranteeing you that Rachel and Jordan are going to take each other to the end.

ADAM: I know.

KALIA: This is our alliance, and we still have the numbers.

ADAM: If I use the veto and take out Jordan, that means that I would have made a big power-move and may actually have a shot at getting some Jury votes.

KALIA: Exactly!

ADAM: I don’t know. I really need to talk to Big Jeff or Evel Dick and see what they think I should do. Do you think the Diary Room will let me use my “phone-a-friend”?

Adam continues down the beaten path of forgetful mediocrity that he’s been treading all season long and doesn’t use the veto. Kalia’s heart sinks into her stomach (and subsequently gets eaten), while Rachel makes me love her even more by openly laughing at what an idiot Adam is for actually going along with her and Jordan, taking out who they wanted, and throwing away whatever remote shot he may have had at winning a half-million dollars.

We jump right to the eviction speeches where Porsche goes first. She says that she’s “already been funny” in her speeches (intentionally?…cuz I must have missed that one) and then goes on to say a bunch of nice things about everyone, which means that she knows just as well as we do that she’s not going anywhere. Kalia, on the other hand, shows that she knows she’s on her way out the door by saying plenty of legitimately insightful things (“Adam – start playing like an all-star and stop playing like a fan”, “Rachel – you can’t keep complaining about putting out people that play this game if you’re going to keep doing it”, etc) yet she still somehow comes off like a scorned lunatic.

Jordan votes to evict Porsche (with a look of confusion like Julie asked her to spell her name, not cast a vote), Adam votes to evict Kalia, and Rachel breaks the tie by sending Kalia packing. Before she leaves she says, “If the black queen is leaving, I might as well leave one behind”. FINALLY! – this must be where Lawon comes back in the house, right?! Awww, shucks – it’s just the “black queen” from the chess board that she pulls out of her pocket. Oh well.

Julie does a quick one-question interview with Kalia, and then plays her goodbye messages:

REFRIGERATOR: [crying] I’m going to miss you so much! What am I supposed to do now with all this ice cream and frozen pizza in me?

MATTRESS: I’m really proud that you made it as far as you did! I know that we probably spent more time together than anyone else in the house, so it’s going to be really sad around here without you. At least I still have your indentation to remind me of all the good times we had!

After another commercial break, we get to see Big Brother finally make use of the fortune teller machine that, like most of this season’s cast, has been uselessly sitting around taking up space all season. Yet another variation on a recycled competition, the remaining houseguests are kept up all night by the fortune teller spewing out predictions that will be used in the next HoH:

“Shelly will be diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome after spending months continually writing sentences to her daughter as punishment for all the lies that she told”

“Adam will lose the game of Big Brother when he walks into the back yard and literally floats away over the walls of the house”

“Daniele will begin selling her own line of fashionable self-defense pocket tasers called ‘The Shockkkerrrrr’”

“Lawon will receive a special power from CBS on his 50th birthday that will allow him to return to the house during Big Brother Season 24”

“Keith, Cassie, and Dominic will open up a bar called ‘Regulators’ which will be shut down three weeks after its grand opening due to their employees revolting and taking over”

“Brendon will shock scholars and physicians alike after discovering a cure for small feet”

“Jeff will end up flat-broke from taking months off of work each year to appear on CBS television shows that net him virtually no money whatsoever”

Once the HoH starts, the contestants are read a fortune and they need to answer “TRUE” if it was something they heard the night before or “FALSE” if it was not exactly as they had heard it. Giving credit where credit is due, Adam mops up in this competition and doesn’t get a single answer wrong. Upon winning HoH, Adam proclaims “I’m an All-Star, baby!”, which causes all of America to bond in a collective fit of laughter.

That concludes this episode, and on Thursday we get to see who Adam lets run his HoH reign for him when he inevitably pussies-out on all required decisions. This officially brings us within a week of finale, and I have only one more of these write-ups left (tomorrow) before my in-depth analysis of Season 13 draws to a close. Hang in there, superfans…the end is in sight!