5.02.2006

Say, That Reminds Me: Has Anyone Actually Seen Katie Holmes Since She 'Gave Birth'?

Even though biblical historians have proven the "number of the beast" is 616, idiots around the world are preparing for satanic chaos on June 6 of this year - a date often written as "06/06/06," which is close enough to the erroneous "666" for cops and parents to lose their minds.

Police in Colorado have used their "intelligence unit" to figure out that "666" is popular with nervous fundamentalists and amateur devil worshippers.

"They are aware that 666 signifies the Mark of the Beast or the Antichrist to some organizations and believe June 6 is a date that could trigger problems," the Denver Postreported today.

Some mums-to-be have even made appointments to have labor induced on June 5, while others mock the whole superstition with plans to name their cursed little ones Damien (from The Omen) or Regan (from The Exorcist).

According to popular (and incorrect) legend, the New Testament book of Revelation warns of some sort of demonic monster who will be associated with the number 666.

For more than 1,700 years, the Christian world has feared the wrong number. It's all because St. Irenaeus - the same 2nd Century bishop in France who decided on four gospels and that the recently rediscovered Gospel of Judas should be suppressed - liked the sound of "666" better than "616."

Both versions were circulating at the time. And despite strong evidence that the original author of Revelation intended 616 because it matched the numerological value of other mentions of "the beast" in Hebrew and Greek texts, Irenaeus had his own personal numerology to follow.

(In discounting dozens of Jesus gospels that were popular in the 2nd Century, as well as a competing church's campaign to only use a pared-down Gospel of Luke, Irenaeus argued that there should be four gospels because...well, he explains it best: "Since there are four zones of the world in which we live, and four principal winds, while the Church is spread over all the earth, and the pillar and foundation of the Church is the gospel, and the Spirit of life, it fittingly has four pillars, everywhere breathing out incorruption and revivifying men.")

The New Testament's Book of Revelation - also known as the Apocalypse of John and the Revelation of Jesus Christ unto his servant John - is a metaphorical prophecy written in the early Christian style of the Apocalypses. According to its author, it was written on the Greek island of Patmos during a period of harsh anti-Christian persecution by the Roman government.

Because it's a coded political document that was meant to encourage an oppressed religious movement of a very specific place and time, many church leaders and theologians have long been opposed to including it in the New Testament.

Early bishops warned that the baffling text could easily be abused by crazy priests and false prophets, and it remained a rejected or disputed part of the New Testament well into the 9th Century. Even today, the Syriac Orthodox Church doesn't include Revelation in its bible - and that church is probably the oldest surviving form of Christianity, reportedly started by St. Peter himself! (The church of Antioch, which started the Syrian church, was the second congregation of Christians on Earth. The first was in Jerusalem, led by James the brother of Jesus.)

But it's tough to kill a good legend with a few simple facts. That's why the entertainment industry is taking advantage of the 666 ignorance by releasing a variety of diabolical products on June 6, including a remake of the 1970s horror classic The Omen.

The speed metal band Slayer launches a tour on the faux day of dread, and fans of the group are encouraged to celebrate a "National Day of Slayer" by killing neighborhood pets and vandalizing churches while rocking out to Slayer at full blast.

And in a cruel jab at conservative Christians, the publishers of a new book by hysterical columnist Ann Coulter will be released on the "Day of the Beast."

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