Rape survivor explains how the Hollyoaks sexual consent storyline is a masterclass in how not to be a friend

Emily JacobIdiosyncratic dreamer of a better world, solopreneur, coach, NLPer, working on reconnecting her life. Rape survivor using her skills and experience to help guide others. Founder of www.reconnected.lifeWednesday 28 Sep 2016 1:08 pm

The eternal optimist inside of me, the part of me that still naively believes the best of people, was hoping for a different outcome. You know the one, the one where friends prove they are friends; the one where friends support their friends, unconditionally; the one where friends believe, have compassion and care.

Of course, it wasn’t like that was it? Not only did Lisa tell her to ‘maybe you just need to get over it’ but her mum, Marnie just didn’t pick up on anything, instead adding to her shame, seeming angry that her daughter had behaved like a ‘chav’. Tegan called her a skank and told her to go the STD clinic. Her ex, Freddie, called her a slapper. The shame being piled on her for what her friends and family decided to assume was a one-night stand must feel overwhelming.

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Anyone with half an inkling of what can happen in a night, or even anyone with an ounce of sensory acuity, could have picked up on the fact that Ellie was not merely hungover, but very confused and in a lot of turmoil about the night. What she needed was to be told: ‘it wasn’t okay, I believe you, I’m here for you’. What she got instead, was a very clear message that she should stay quiet, that she would be shamed, that people would believe it was her fault, if they believed it happened at all.

(Picture: Lime Pictures)

Unfortunately, this response from friends and family is not uncommon. Too many times in my work with fellow rape survivors, I have heard: ‘I tried to tell my Mum, but she just said “these things happen, get over it”’, or ‘when I told our circle of friends what he’d done, they didn’t believe me, they thought I was trying to get attention and they sided with him.’ For myself, whilst I am everlastingly grateful to the friends who did support me, for every one of them, I had another who questioned if I was sure, who suggested it was my fault and who told me I deserved it.

This is overwhelmingly one of the main reasons why rape survivors stay silent, and why rapists get away with it. The effect is that survivors rarely report their rape – only about 15% will do so. The effect is that survivors will rarely tell anyone about their rape – about 29% have never opened up to family or friends, with fear of judgement and being too embarrassed being key reasons why they don’t.

(Picture: Lime Pictures)

We cannot recover if we feel shame. Shame eats us from the inside. It keeps us trapped in a victim mentality – even though outwardly we are not, because to share what is inside would mean more shame. We wear a mask, hiding ourselves, switching off that part of us, denying its existence, numbing it by whatever means necessary. Shame stops us from living our lives whole, always pulling us back, always keeping us tied to the past.

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All humans need to learn how to be an ally. In the LGBT+ world, we talk about straight allies and I want to see this concept extended to survivors too. Straight allies are people who establish themselves in their social & professional circles as those who will not tolerate homophobia, biphobia or transphobia. I want survivor allies to make very clear in their social circles that they will not tolerate victim blaming or shaming, and will support survivors unquestionably. The only way to end rape culture is to create a counter-culture, one of compassion, empathy, and support.

If you’re a survivor and would like to find a community of people who understand you, will support you, and will hold a space for you to be whatever you need to be, then please consider joining others just like you in our free Facebook group. It’s entirely confidential, secret and safe, and details on how to get access are here.