a letter.

don't tell me not to send it. It is totally being sent. I need this for me. I am throwing him away, mailing him away, boxing him away, you get it. 2 years later, it's about time I got rid of him.

anyway, here is the letter I wrote (it is going with a poster I bought him before the split that I never sent)

I know you will really think I am pathetic, I mean 2 years, that is a long time, it is ridiculous of me. I KNOW. BUT writing the letter helped, I think sending it will help even more. I should be over it, 2 years, wow, yeah I should be way over it. But the thing is, he was there for me when my sister died, he was there for me when my dad was a major alcoholic. he was there for me when I started college, he has always been there for me in the big things. now, I am experiencing new big things and he is in my mind, constantly, I need him gone. For some reason I think if I mail this poster, it will be like mailing him away.

just needed to get that out, I wanted someone to read it. the copy he is getting is handwritten. I just typed this out for you guys..

john.
wow, writing to you- & sending it. I did not think we would ever see this moment again. two years post breakup & there are still reminders of you all over this joint. I got an apartment at school so I went through my room at home. I threw a lot away. I kept all the elephant stuff- it is boxed so I don't have to see it, well except the poster you gave me for my 17th birthday. That is still on the wall, and you're still framed in that black & white and color thing I made w/ all pics of [insert little sister's name here]. It is small, so I didn't worry about it. Anyway, the point is I am mailing you this poster. I got it for you 2 yrs ago & I don't need it, it is yours, I want you to have it.
so many things are happening lately & for some reason everywhere I turn there is a memory of you. I am sure you are making fun of me by now, but my life is finally something okay with me & I cannot have you fucking it up.
I know you probably NEVER even think of me, but you are lucky not to live in our hometown.

here is the poster. I am mostly happy. I am graduating early. [little sister's name] will be 17 in two weeks. I can drive stick. My grades are better, much better. I left Brandon- well it's over, it was an I left, I went back, it fizzled out type thing. My apartment is in a house built in 1920. I love it. you would be proud of me these days.