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25 August 2010

Another douchy wrestler in tight pants? Yeah, and fuck you. For all of his bleach blond wigs and professional wrestling tomfoolery, Ken Patera was one of the baddest motherfuckers ever- strong enough to hang with Vasily Alexeev and crazy enough to be right at home with Benny Podda and Charles Bronson.

We might, at this point, have stumbled across the ultimate human being.

Competitions
Set 84 National or higher level records
4 Gold Medals at the 1971 Pan Am games
Competed at 1972 Olympics
2nd in 1971 Worlds
3rd in the 1968 NCAA track meet(shot put)
3rd in the 1977 World's Strongest Man Contest (competed in only 5 of the 10 events)

Ken Patera was not born- he erupted from a singularity that was created when the world's first DVDA was consummated in 1942, coinciding nicely with our victory over the Krauts in World War 2. Growing up in Portland, Oregon, Patera apparently took to the weights like a lesbian does vagina, and quickly became renown for being the strongest kid at his high school. To be fair, he was just about the only person there who lifted weights, as everyone else was afraid of becoming musclebound, but little Kenny didn't give a fuck. Ken excelled in pretty much every athletic competition he entered, and was able to grab the rim from a standstill under a basketball net.

He was still able to do this years later, weighing 340 lbs., when he was training for the 1972 Munich Olympics. The 72 Olympics were a shitshow for everyone involved, save for perhaps Vasily Alexeev. Patera was apparently favored to win, since no one could touch his strict press, but the asshole Palestinians decided to do the only thing they know how, and shot a bunch of civilian Israeli athletes the day Patera was supposed to compete. The competition was delayed indefinitely while the Krauts hunted down the terrorists and shot most of them, leaving the remainder for the Israelis. Patera took that time to attempt to fuck every broad in West Germany, and according Verne Gagne would have won the Olympics if he hadn't been out all night banging sluts the night before competition. As he was busy all night, and his hip flexors and extensors were likely completely exhausted from the beating they took in Patera's efforts to ease up in anything he could find in a dirndl, he bombed out on the snatch, crushing his Olympic hopes like the Hun vagina he had already dominated.

Patera became a "strongman" in professional wrestling in 1973, as a way to make money while training for another shot at Olympic gold. He dropped that dream when his best lift, the strict press, was dropped from Olympic weightlifting like a fat kid from an up-and-coming boy band. Wrestling, however, proved to provide him ample opportunity for success, and succeed he did. He was essentially an old-school Mark Henry in that they both blew ass at their Olympic efforts and they were both billed as the "World's Strongest Man"- a dubious claim, however entertaining. He kept that name even as his weight dropped to a bodybuilder-esque 250 lbs, as he competed in the 1977 World's Strongest Man and performed a variety of feats of strength on TV. Perhaps his greatest feat of strength was picking up Andre the Giant's fat ass, but his typical money moves were to stand against a wall and put his feet on the front bumper of an Econoline van, then have the driver gun the engine and spin the wheels, trying to crush him, in addition to your standard strongman fare, such as bending nails and iron bars, driving nails through boards, and blowing hot water balloons until they popped like a bad guy's head in Riki Oh.

I've no idea how reliable this is as a workout template, as it lacks any mention of sets, and it's pretty hard to believe that the guy did 15 lifts and then headed home for the next 48 hours, but he was a total genetic freak. This workout was in Milo, however, and at least give you an idea of the absurd poundages Patera was using while training for the Olympics.

Patera, ever the caged maniac, was clearly bored with this lifestyle. As such, he found an appropriate outlet for his energies- grabbing his tag team partner, throwing a big-ass rock through the window of a McDonald's after hours, and then ambushing the cops when they came to arrest them. "The true tragedy began innocently enough. Late, on a snowy night, in Wakesha, Wisconsin, when a hungry Ken Patera went to a fast food restaurant after a grueling match. According to newspaper reports, Ken Patera was denied service, told the restaurant was closed for the night. It is alleged that Ken Patera and a co-defendant threw a rock through the restaurant window, resulting in a call to the police." In the ensuing melees, of which there were allegedly two, as Saito and the 43 year old Patera utterly fucked up the first wave of cops, ignoring tazers and mace and breaking one of the cop's legs in the process, Patera earned his true status as a legend in strength sports. He then spent two years in prison, after which he returned to the ring for the second time. He continued wrestling on and off for another decade, proving to the world that it's not just Hulk Hogan and Rick Flair who can kick ass well into retirement age.

In summary, Ken Patera was an all-around badass who spent his days being stronger than everyone, one of the first WWF strongmen, an elite Olympic Weightlifter and powerlifter, the first American to lift over 500 pounds in both the military press and clean and jerk, the winner of four straight national championships in the shot put, and an avowed nemesis of both law enforcement and McDonalds.

Patera was trained in wrestling by the same guy who trained Ric Flair. They did a lot of endurance work there. Lots of running, pushups and squats. They were doing sets of 500 bodyweight squats long before it was cool. So Patera had a lot of stamina to go along with his strength as well.

I'm pretty sure that the bodyweight squat thing has been cool among wrestlers for over a century. The Great Gama did them, as did Farmer Burns, Frank Gotch and the Catch wrestling/Rough-and-Tumble bunch, and as Verne Gage was a catch wrestler in college, it would stand to reason he picked it up there. Matt Furey "rediscovered their lost secrets" by reading their books.

The first time I ever did 500 squats it was 13 years ago. I sat down afterward and my toes on my right foot curled under as if my foot was trying to make a fist. I had to stretch them back out by hand.

Most cops enjoy being anally penetrated by each other after their daily shift of avoiding real criminals by writing tickets to teenagers on skateboards or breaking up parties. Donuts come into play somewhere, as well as the words "move along, nothing to see here."

Have you seen the latest test booster? Supposedly Bisphenol A - which is used in plastics and is known to migrate out in liquids - raises testosterone. I haven't found the study the article quotes:http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/la-heb-bisphenol-20100825,0,3147868.story

George Hackenschmidt (crazy strong motherfucker, did endurance work, great legit wrestler, created hack squats) also did high-rep squats, and hit up 110 lbs or so for some ridiculous number I can't remember.

Pro wrestling trainees have been doing Hindu squats for time eternal. Ric Flair, in his autobiography, said he quit after his first day, and Verne Gagne personally approached him and asked him to remain in camp. Patera had to deal with brutal chafing and bleeding because his thighs were so huge, they rubbed together on the grueling runs the trainees had to do each day.

The cop whose leg Patera broke was a female. Serves her right.

Lastly, I read an intersting story a few years ago on Shawn Daivari's blog (longtime indy wrestler, had success briefly in WWE and TNA). He broke an unwritten locker room rule and was sentenced by Chris Benoit to perform 500 Hindu squats before a match. Benoit was known for doing these squats as a warmup before each match. So, Daivari did them, Benoit did them with him. Benoit walked away fine. Daivari took a leak the next morning and pissed "the color of Dr. Pepper". The doctor told him that he was essentially pissing muscle fibers that had broken down in the squatting.

It's kind of humorous that a female would try to stop an "out of control alcoholic" when that person is built like a MAC truck, strong as shit, and raging. The fucker threw a boulder through a restaurant window, for Christ's sake. She should have been hiding in the squad car. I would've locked myself in the trunk.

Relax, Captain Defender of Women and All Things Female. I'm not a mysoginist. Learn the difference between "an" the article and "and" the conjunction. Thanks.

Why is this blog obsessed with steroid taking pussies? Ok, talk about Hackenschmidt, Goerner or the Saxon brothers and i'll be impressed. The rest though... Actually, anything about Louie Simmons would be cool, as he openly admits to steroid use. That makes Louie cool. Jamie, you could be cool too. It takes guts, but you could do it.

funny post! not date myself but i actually saw him wrestle at the denver coliseum way back when as kid. baron von rashke, mad dog vachon, larry the axe hennig were also on the card as was vern gagne and bobby heenan....word!

Rant, you mean like:http://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2009/03/baddest-motherfuckers-of-earth-1-maxick.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2009/08/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-4-marvin.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2009/09/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-5-arthur.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2009/10/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-6-charles.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2009/10/badass-of-week-7-paul-anderson.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2009/11/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-8-milo-of.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2010/01/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-9-jack-i.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2010/01/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-10-chuck.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2010/04/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-john-grimek.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2010/04/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-13-hermann-i.htmlhttp://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2010/06/baddest-motherfuckers-ever-16-bruno.htmlDid you mean like those guys? You are a rare combination of ballsy and absolutely fucking retarded. You and GWB should be best friends.

As soon as you post pre- and post- op pics from your sex reassignment, you'll get an admission to anything you want. You've got to be the whiniest, dumbest, least interesting bitch on the planet. It's a credit to women that you had the surgery to give you a micropenis, so they no longer have to claim your light kettlebell swinging ass.

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