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Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 1842

Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.

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After dating a woman who was separated from her husband only

Customer Question

After dating a woman who was separated from her husband only two months before I met her, I am completely in love with her. we dated for around eight months. She had left him for a second time only two months before her and I first met. She has a two year old son with him who I got very attached to. I'm 32 and have dated my fair share of women throughout my life. I've had longer relationships than this but none of them have come close to how I feel about this woman. For the first time in my life I began envisioning a future with her and her son. We got along truly phenomenal and never once had a fight.I had a talk with her some months back about her husband. I told her that if she ever felt the need to try and make it work again with him to just be honest and up front with me. I understood that it was very recent that she had left him and that they had a little boy together. She told me that she had left him twice because there no longer was anything left between them. She said that she was miserable for most of her marriage and she also caught him cheating on her. she said that she loved spending time with me and that I satisfy her needs and that she loved me and she would never want to give that up. I believed her. She always said she loved me and missed me when I wasn't there with her. Four months ago her job was being sued by the government and she began to panic thinking she might be out of a job soon. she was over loaded with work. We had a trip booked to go to Puerto Rico and she suddenly cancelled it and notified me by an email. After that I no longer heard from her. I was angry and let some time go by. I then contacted her again to talk to her. I didn't understand why she completely cut me off and wouldn't talk to me. She said that she is back with her husband and trying to save her family. That her decision is for the best of her family and to please not contact her anymore. This completely destroyed me. I still needed closure though so I sent her an email pouring my heart into it telling her exactly how much I loved her and her son. She replied coldly saying that she was sorry but that she has been with her husband for ten years and has a child with him. she said that's not something to be taXXXXX XXXXXghtly. She then said that I was starting to scare her with all the texts and emails and that she really wanted them to stop right now. I'm a rational person and have never stalked or harassed anyone in my life. This woman made me feel like some deviant when all I wanted was one opportunity to talk with her. We never had a fight ever, we got along amazingly well, she told me she loved me and missed me when I wasn't with her. Then literally from one day to the next she never contacts me again. No explanation, nothing. It seems like she is someone completely different now, from the woman I loved and dated for nine months. I feel if she left her husband twice during their marriage and they already had problems when they were engaged, that it won't work out now. I feel she might be trying again mainly for the sake of her son and for financial stability. But she acts as if I was never a part of her life, as if she never knew me. I think maybe it's that her husband may have not known about me. But the botXXXXX XXXXXne is this: I love this woman like I've never loved anyone else before. We were really good together and I've never experienced a relationship that worked so well before. I'm 32 and I've dated my fair share of women and none has come remotely close to what I had with her. I've respected her desire to not be contacted anymore and it has been four months since I've seen her. I've tried to distract myself by dating other women but no matter how sweet they seem, I don't make it to a second date because I constantly have her on my mind. I feel that she was "the one" and I don't know what to do. I miss her like crazy and I know that when she thinks of me there are only good memories there. I guess I just want an outside perspective here. I realize that my judgement might be clouded because I'm too involved in the situation. Do you think she loves her husband? What are the chances it will work out with them trying for a third time? Did she really Love me? I know I should move on and I've been trying to but find it so hard to do. I love her completely and don't want to let go of her. I refuse to contact her because I don't appreciate being made to feel like some stalker. All I ever wanted was her to be straight forward with me. she couldn't do that. I don't know if it's because she felt she couldn't face me and tell me or what. The last time I saw her she introduced me to her parents and we got along great. It seemed like they really liked me. That same day she asked me to let my guard down a bit more and I kissed her and promised her I would. Then 10 days later she stops everything. Help me with any advice here. Thank you.

The texting an e-mails was just you expressing yourself too her and I feel she might have took them the wrong way.

Deardebra :

She says that you scared her and she wanted you to stop, but all you were doing was expressing yourself too her so she knew how you felt. You should in no way feel like you harassed her in anyway.

Deardebra :

In order for you to get closure you needed to talk with her to straighten things out.

Deardebra :

She just cut contact and left you guessing on what happened that was in no way fair too you.

Deardebra :

She should have told you right away I am back with my ex trying to work things out. Instead of leaving you with all these thoughts about what happen.

Deardebra :

This was a good relationship you never fought, so you would have never know that she was going to leave to go back to something that has not worked out the first two times.

Deardebra :

Now she is going back for the third time to work things out. The thing with her ex is he knows that he can do anything and she will come back, he knows she will forgive him. This is why things keep going bad. She leaves, he must tell her to come back he will change, but he never does.

Deardebra :

I feel they have many issues in the relationship.

Deardebra :

It's very hard to go back after three times thinking it will work.

Deardebra :

I do believed she loves you and still could have strong feelings for you, but she feels like she has to make things work because they have a child together.

Deardebra :

This is common that people sty together or try to make things work because they have a child.

Deardebra :

But you can not stay in a relationship, be miserable, and not be happy because that effects everyone's life.

Deardebra :

There is no reason for her to be with someone that cheats.

Deardebra :

The reason why you are having such a tough time is because it was sudden. You had this great relationship you were falling in love then all of a sudden it is over, with no reason. You were forced to sit and wonder what happened. I am sure you wondered if you did something wrong. But you did nothing wrong she just feels the need to work things out with her ex.

Deardebra :

I would simply text or e-mail her saying that you are here for her if she ever needs you. You want to leave things open so she knows if things do not work out, that you will take her back.

Deardebra :

Because she might think that you never want to talk with her again. So you want to make that clear that you are here for her.

Deardebra :

I think the reason why she wanted the texts to stop and e-mails was because it was making it to hard for her to move on.

Deardebra :

If you were still in her life she would have a hard time working things out with her ex, so I feel she said something she didn't mean so that you would stop. She used the word scared, but I feel it was more that she felt bad and was hurt she had to leave.

Deardebra :

You were making it harder for her to stay with her ex.

Deardebra :

I feel like if you stayed in contact with her she would have realized that she made a mistake in leaving you.

We always talked about everything, whether intimate or silly. now I feel like she just wants any trace of me completely gone and out of her life. A week before she cut things off she said she missed me and wanted to see me. Then five days later she does a !80 degree turn and cuts me off. I feel it might have been a spur of the moment thing with her husband. I know he didn;t want to divorce , it was her who left him twice.

Customer:replied 1 year ago.

I am very afraid to contact her again. I don't think it will be received well. She really stressed to me to respect her boundaries and to not contact her further. I'm afraid by contacting her again that I may be giving off extreme desperation and distance her even more from me. I don't want to turn her off. I figured to give it some time to let her work on her marriage. Since people rarely can change, I feel maybe she will find herself once again miserable with this man and realize what she really had with me. I've always had open arms for her but by behaving like she did with me, I would have every right to never give her the time of day again. But I don't want that. I'm an open minded person and don't like to hold onto grudges anymore. I can understand her attempting to save her marriage only for the sake of her little boy. I feel that should always be her top priority. I would never tolerate cheating but in this case I guess I turned out to be the other man. I thought about contacting one of her friends to see what their take would be, but I'm very hesitant to do this too. I don't want to involve other people in our problem and I'm afraid how it will be received as well. Her friend will most likely not want to get involved and I don't want to come off as a creep to her. I figured to give it some more time and see? It's just hard knowing she's with him trying to make it work and I'm here suffering. It's no way to live but I can't help my feelings for her. Do you think there's the possibility that in a few weeks or months time that she'll contact me again? By the way, the answers you've given me so far are exactly dead on with what I was thinking. I just wasn't sure if I was being irrational with myself. So thank you very much for your help so far.

Customer:replied 1 year ago.

I forgot to mention when I sent her that email expressing myself to her, she said she was truly sorry for how things worked out. She said that it was irresponsible for her to ever get involved with someone that quickly after her leaving him. She said the events that unfolded were not her intent. She then said that she's sure that I would meet a great person and move on. She said that she is not that person. I have to admit I cried after reading this. I'm a grown man and here I am crying my eyes out. For me, It was hurtful and humiliating to read that email. That great person that she refers to i, in my mind is her. I don't know if she said that so that I would not contact her anymore. I feel she might be in family saving mode and can't have me get in the way of that maybe. Or she truly means it that she feels she is not the person for me. Based on everything so far, what is your opinion? I'm really confused about that one. It's kept me up many nights already.

It almost seems like she is trying to talk herself into that she should have not got involved when she truly knows that she fell for you. She couldn't help but fall for you and I do not feel like she has any regrets, she just thinks that she owes it too her child to work things out with the father. But she can not be miserable because it will effect the child. If they are always fighting and splitting up then there is no stability in the relationship. It seems he makes a mistakes, she forgives him and then they get back together only for him to do it again. The e-mail that she wrote you was like he just talking trying to say the right things blaming herself so that you would not be hurt. But she felt that she needed to just e-mail you some reason, but it seems scripted like it is not her true emotions. I feel that it is more like she fell for you and could not help her emotions. I understand you are worried to contact her and you want to give her tat chance to work things out and she might leave again. But my concern is that she might think you are not going to be there. This is why I wanted her to know that you are there for her and would take her back. You want that door open.

When I first texted her to see if we could talk, she replied saying that she couldn't talk nor did she feel there was anything to discuss. I dated this woman for almost nine months. How could she feel like there was nothing to discuss? When I first met her she asked me if I wanted to meet her son. I was hesitant to do so because it would get me involved deeper than initially I wanted to be, especially after finding out how recent her separation was from us meeting. But I never expressed this to her and said I would like to meet the little boy. Well what person can't get attached to a one and a half year old? I certainly did get attached and she wanted us to start doing things together with her son. I was actually looking forward to that idea and agreed. 4 Months later she can't even talk to me in person or on the phone. She made it very clear she doesn't want to be contacted by email or text as well. She even deleted me on facebook. I'm not on facebook much but I know she is and it hurts me because she's deleted any trace of me in her life. Her sister is actually still my facebook friend which I find odd.Why would she so adimately want me to meet her parents and then cut me off about two weeks later? Do you think maybe her parents had some say in the decision? Maybe because I am not from the same religion or background? I didn't sense that at all when I was with them and they seemed to genuinly like me. I know they weren't too happy with her husband in the past nor was her sister. They felt he wasn't right for her and made it known to her a few times in the past when she was having problems with him. But, in the end, he is the father of her child. Do you think her parents may have accepted her husband again over me because he is the father? I understand that but if she wasn't happy with him a few times in the past already and I come along and treat her well, wouldn't they opt to give me an opportunity even if I am not the little boy's father? I know that she has been with her husband for ten years and with me for only about eight months. So I understand that eight months can't compete with ten years. But if her marriage had bumps along the way, wouldn't it be worth pursuing her new relationship with me to see where it can go? It certainly was looking to head in a very positive direction. She wanted to pay for our trip to Puerto Rico and have it be my valentine's day present. This trip was her idea to begin with. She said she really wanted to go away and really wanted to go with me over one of her girlfriends. We had gone away together some months before to Mexico and we truly had a wonderful time with each other. After that vacation, and being with her night and day, I realized how much I loved being with her all the time. She acted the same way with me. I paid for the Mexico trip and I refused to let her pay for the Puerto Rico trip. She then bought me a very nice and expensive pair of shoes for the V day instead. They arrived early and so she gave them to me as an early gift. Two weeks later she no longer was talking to me. Why would she get me a V day gift and even want to pay for our vacation and then stop all communication with me very soon after. She cancelled that trip two days before V day and chose to inform me by email. She couldn't even pick up the phone. I didn't undertsand and was upset so I didn't call her. But on V day I still had chocolates and flowers sent to her apartment. She never got in touch with me to even say thank you. What happened so suddenly that would make her decide to go back to her husband and pretend She was never involved with me? Like I said before we never had a fight, we got along really really well. She always told me I was so easy to get along with. About a month before we ended I asked her if she was happy with me. She said she was but just wished we could spend more time together. About the same time one night when we were together in bed, she wanted me to be open with my feelings. So for the first time I flat out told her I was in Love with her and that I thought she was amazing. She knew I loved her and I expressed it to her before obviously but I finally decided I wanted to tell it to her as well. She made a huge wall of self defense come down for me and I was happy I said those words to her. I was looking forward to say them on a regular basis from there on out. But I suddenly was cut off a month later and wasn't given the opportunity. But when I contacted her later on through the texts and emails I did tell her I love her and that it's not going away either. I told her that I would always be around for her and she knew where to find me. Like I told you before already, she replied very coldlyand told me to stop contacting her. I had to ask her why we broke up. Only then when I confronted her with that question did she tell me she was back with her husband and trying to save her family. What is your take on all of this info. I've given you? Im still confused at times when I try to make sense of it. Thank you.

When she said there was nothing to discuss there was plenty to discuss and I feel she just didn't want to talk about anything. She didn't want to get into how she felt and why things ended. It was like she just wanted to move on. But I do not feel she did just move on. What has happened is she was never able to express her emotions and you were never able to get the closure you needed. You needed an explanation why and I feel she waited a long time to tell you which kept you guessing is to why she left.You asked the question if you feel they would accept her ex cause he is the father. Because he is the father people handle this different ways. Some times the parents feel that the father and mother should be together. Some think that there is so much hurt that the relationship should end and that father play an active role in the child's life. Some feel that the father should not be in the child's life because it is just to tense. I am sure what they really want is what is best for their daughter. I feel she makes the decisions on her life and is not being influenced by anyone, accept for the child's father. She wanted you to meet her parents and see maybe if you fit and if they accepted you. But I think this was too much of a big step for her and she backed away.

I need more help with this one again. It's been about eight months since we broke up and I've been dating and talking to other women. But my mind is still always on her. I can't get her out of my head. I always had the strong feeling that her third attempt at getting together with her husband would fail. They just are not meant for each other. The other day at the suggestion of my brother I joined match.com to meet other women. While doing a search tonight I came across my ex girlfriend. She has a profile on match.com as well apparently now and it says she is divorced. I think her marriage has finally come to an end but she knows how terribly she handled things with me. I think that is why she hasn't contacted me yet. I would have every right to tell her to get lost if she did. But truthfully I wouldn't do that. I would like to talk to her to hear each other out and she if what we had could work again. I still do love her very much. But the last time I attempted to talk to her via email, she made me feel like some stalker or creep who was scaring her. All I wanted was to understand what had happened between us. Now I know she was in the midst of trying to repair her family possibly for her son's sake. And I know me contacting her was getting in the way of her trying to save her family. But by asking me to not contact her and that she was starting to get scared, she managed to hurt me more than any other woman ever has. She knew me very very well and knows I'm a harmless and benevolent man.

My question is this:I don't want to contact her again because of how she made me feel the last time I tried. But it's eating away at me knowing now that she is once again single. I know she probably doesn't have the courage it takes to swallow her pride and contact me. Because she know how badly she handled things. So I need advice on what to do here or just your take on it all. Any additional info needed should be covered in my previous posted questions. Thank you very much.

Thank you for your question. I know you have concerns about contacting her again. But I really feel that you would have to be the one to start a conversation. The reason why is how she left things. I feel that not contacting her will just keep bothering you. You have a second chance to make this work. You were together nine months and you both developed feelings got each other. Her marriage did not work and I'm sure she has many regrets on leaving you. Now I feel she would be worried to contact you because I am sure she feels you would have moved on. But even though you have dated other women she is the one that you really want to be with. I also think that she would not contact you because she would feel bad that she left you and her marriage did not work. She would not even know whoa to say too you. I want you to contact her and keep it simple. Just ask her how she is doing. Do not be afraid of rejection. Just think about that you are just writing a friend to ask how they are doing. If she does not respond then you just wait but if she does respond that is the first step in you both communicating. Once you begin to talk then things will progress from there, but you do have to take that first step in talking with her. You don't want to have any regrets. She is someone you truly care about and you have a second chance. Thank you again for your question.

well I was thinking on taking your advice to send her a message but when I looked for her again on the dating site I could no longer find her profile. That could mean two thing: 10 she cancelled her subscription or 20 she saw I viewed her profile and blocked me. Whatever the reason yesterday I though about it a lot. I didn't want to sit around and wait for her to contact me because I was afraid it might not happen being the way she chose to end things last time. I felt If I truly love her and want to spend my life with her that I have to fight for it. I didn't want some other guy to come along and take her away. So I decided to take a drive to her apartment to see if I could talk to her. When I got there I rang the doorbell twice but no one opened. I could hear her infant son talking inside and his nanny too. I figured being she doesn't know me that she wouldn't open. I didnt want to alarm her so I didn't ring again. I sat in the hallway and sent my ex a text telling her I was there outside her door and that I just wanted five minutes to talk to her. well about 25 minutes went by and then suddenlt I see her walking with her parent down the hallway. Her mother said hello and I responded. Then my ex asked me what I was doing there. Her father asked me the same question. I told him that I was just hoping for five minutes to speak to his daughter. He said that our relationship was over and that we are both adults and that we should act the part. I told him I understood but that all I wanted was a few minutes of her time. He understood and agreed to let me as long as he was present as well. I said I had absolutely no problem with him being there while I spoke with her and I thanked him for allowing me. My ex however told him to go inside so he did but asked me to speak calmy and I said of course. it was not the coversation I wish I had with her. she was very very angry and upset that I showed up to her place. She said I had no right to be there. I explained to her the reason I came was because I saw her dating profile and it said she was divorced now. She said she's not divorced and that it's a complicated situation. She said that she's still trying to work on her family. She said she deleted her online dating account and that her issues with her husband is none of my concern. She said that we broke up like a year ago and that she didnt owe me any explanation. She said people break up all the time so I should get over it. That I'm acting like this is the first relationship I ever had. She said that I was creeping her out by going to her place. I told her that she knows me very well and that I'm not some stalker. She responded that she doesn't know me at all. I told her that we dated for the better part of a year and that she did know me well. She said that when she met me it was way too soon for her to get involved in a relationship with me like she did. Then she kept saying angrily that she has a child to take care of. I explained to her that I've always known she has a child and that I only came to talk to her. she was angry that I went to her place without her being there and that her son was alone with his nanny. She made it out like I could have hurt her son. I cannot even begin to understand how she could ever insinuate something so ridiculous as that. I've never harmed or wanted to harm anyone my whole entire life. I am as easy going as they come. I told her I rang the doorbell twice and that was it. She said for all she knows I could have been pounding on the door. I replied again that she knows I would never ever do that. She said she no longer knows what I would do. She was starting to get very impatient and angrier so I sensed her wanting to leave. So I told her that since her and I broke up that I've dated a decent amount of women. She replied sarcastically "good for you." I asked her to please just let me finish. I told her that I had no desire to make things work with any of those women because I always had her on my mind. I told her that in my past I've dated women longer than I dated her. But that I've never felt for anyone before the feelings I have for her. I told her that I wanted to let her know that and that I thought it was worth saying. I told her that the only reason I decided to come find her and talk to her was because I thought her and her husband were finally over with. I told her I wished she wouldn't think of me the way she was and that the last thing I ever wanted to do was scare her. I then told her that I would never go to her place again and that I would never contact her again. After that I left. This woman is not in any shape or form the same woman I was in a relationship with. The one who told me she loved me and missed when I wasn't there with her. The one who wanted me to spend more time with her son. If she's still struggling to save her failing marriage, she was on a dating site. So if it is complicated for her she still was at least attempting to see what else is out there. I don't get why she didnt come look for me if she loved me like she so often said and showed me. Debra I feel I may need some validation that I'm not going crazy. I feel like some sort of serial rapist or something judging by the way she had reacted to me. I believe in pursuing the thing you want in life rather than just sitting and hoping for them. I felt she was worth fighting for. My feelings for her made me decide I had to give it a shot. I never in my wildest dreams thought that things would unfold the way they did. I am completely heart broken and at rock bottom. I feel when you truly love someone then you try to make it work and get them back. But by doing so I feel so hurt now that she thinks I'm a psycho or something. I just want your take on all of this. Give it to me straight. I don't know what to do now, I'm completey lost. Thank you.

Thank you for your question. It sounds like she acts like you both did not know each other but you dated for quite some time. She wants to try to work on her family but was on a dating site saying she was divorced but now it is deleted. You said what you had to say and I feel it was good for you to get closure. This is no longer the same person. The nanny should of course never answer the door to someone she does not know. But it sounds like she was worried that you were at her home. I think she is looking at things as you should have maybe contacted her first before you went to her door because you have been broken up for some time. She is asking for the space for her to work on her family. Some people do change and it seems like you are not dealing with the same person. She doesn't seem to understand that you were trying to talk with her and I feel she got worried. I would give her some space and if she wants you to be a part of her life she will contact you.

thinking back on it now. I am honestly really disturbed with what happened. No one in my life has ever made me feel like a criminal before. I just am not that type of guy. It devastated me. But now the more I think about it the more I'm starting to feel that this woman might be bi polar or something along those lines. I could understand her being hostile or angry if I had cheated on her or physically hurt her or her son in the past. I have treated this woman by far the best I have ever treated a woman in my entire life. I don't think I'll ever be abls to make sense of it. It feels literally like dr jeckyl/mr hyde. I've tried to rationalize the best I can. I concluded that maybe her marriage if finally gone down the tubes or is hanging on a very fine thread. She joined the dating site to maybe date casually to help her distract her mind so that she can cope with the disintigration of her marriage. If she had contacted me again, we would have resumed our relationship again where we left off. Ther's no way we could just casually date with the history we had together. I feel like perhaps her sanity is being tested by the pressures and stress of whats going on. She can't deal with me in the picture on top of all that. I would like your straight up honest take on this? It seems like she truly has hatred towards me now. Maybe going to her place wasn't the best decision, but I never saw any harm in attempting to have a conversation with someone. There is absolutely no reason why she could have felt her or her child would be in danger in my presence. That is just completely ridiculous and beyond my ability to comprehend. I will never contact her again. As much as I am hurt, I am now pretty concerned with this woman's mental state. Her behaviour within the past eight months severely concerns me. But do you think, in the future, that at some point after all her complications are over, that she may realize how wrongly and unjustified she has acted towards me? I don't think that it would matter anymore either way, but I just would like a different opinion other than my own, I am clearly too caught up in all this absurdity. Thank you again Debra

Thank you for your question. I feel like she does not have things in her life completed. She is trying to make a relationship work and I feel that she is having a tough time. She might have went on the dating site again because her and her partner migth not be working out so she is thinkign about dating again. I think you going to her house was something she felt was too much for her to handle. She had these feelings for you that she was trying to forget about and she ended things because she wanted to make things work with her ex. I am sure it was very hard for her to make that decision, but she wanted to see if she could give her ex a second chance. I feel once she went back things were not what she expected and things might have not changed. When you showed up again in her life she got angry because things had to be this way and she could no longer see you. So instead of saying nice to see you she reacted in a more of a defensive way. But I feel that was just her emotions at the time. But now that she has calm down a little and she thinks things through that you only wanted to talk with her, she will see things clearly. Now she could decide that she might have been wrong and contact you, but she might think you no longer want to talk with her after what has happened. But I feel you should just let her come too you and see if she realizes that you just wanted to explain things to her, you wanted to know if things changed between her and her ex. I think she is having problems and just acted on the emotiuons she had at that moment. She might have regrets and she was just angry when she saw you. I want you to just let her have that time to think and see if she contacts you again. Thank you for your question.

oh I agree with you. Don't worry I will definitely not contact her again. If we were ever to figure out this whole mess, it would have to be her to contact me. I've done all in my power to show her just how much I care for her. I deserve much better treatment than what I've been through recently. I wanted to sincerely XXXXX XXXXX for your advice. You have helped me in coping and trying to make sense of things. This is a very difficult moment in my life but I know it will get better. Thank you foe helping me get through it.

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