Swing your razor wide, Sweeney!
Hold it to the skies!
Freely flows the blood of those
Who moralize!

Ensemble (The Ballad of Sweeney Todd)

There was a barber and his wife
And she was beautiful
A foolish barber and his wife
She was his reason and his life
And she was beautiful
And she was virtuous
And he was... naïve

Mrs. Lovett: Seems a downright shame

Mr. Todd: Shame?

Mrs. Lovett: Seems an awful waste; such a nice plump frame whats-his-name has... had... has, nor it can't be traced. Business needs a lift, debts to be erased, think of it as thrift, as a gift, if you get my drift. Seems an awful waste. I mean, with the price of meat what it is when you get it, if you get it...

Mr. Todd: Ahhh!

Mrs. Lovett: Good, you got it! Take for instance Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop. Business never better using only pussy cats and toast. Now a pussy's good for maybe 6 or 7 at the most, and I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

Mrs. Lovett: No, you see the trouble with Poet is how do you know it's deceased? Try the Priest. Lawyer's rather nice.

Mr. Todd: If it's for a price.

Mrs. Lovett: Order something else, though, to follow, since no one should swallow it twice.

Mr. Todd: Anything that's lean?

Mrs. Lovett: Well then if you're British and loyal, you might enjoy Royal Marine. Anyway it's clean, though of course it tastes of wherever it's been!

Mr. Todd: Is that Squire on the fire?

Mrs. Lovett: Mercy no, sir! Look closer, you'll notice it's Grocer.

Mr. Todd: Much thicker, more like Vicar.

Mrs. Lovett: No, it has to be Grocer; it's green!

Mr. Todd: The history of the world, my love,

Mrs. Lovett: Save a lot of graves; do a lot of relatives favours.

Mr. Todd: Is those below serving those up above.

Mrs. Lovett: Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavours.

Mr. Todd: How gratifying for once to know

Both: That those above will serve those down below.

Mr. Todd: What is that?

Mrs. Lovett: It's Fop, finest in the shop. Or we have some Shepherd's pie peppered with actual Shepherd on top. And I've just begun. Here's the Politician so oily it's served with a doily, have one!

Mr. Todd: Put it on a bun, but you never know if it's going to run.

Mrs. Lovett: Try the Friar; fried it's drier.

Mr. Todd: No, the clergy is really too coarse and too mealy.

Mrs. Lovett: Then Actor; it's compacter.

Mr. Todd: Ah, but always arrives overdone! I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu.

Mr. Todd: Have charity towards the world, my pet.

Mrs. Lovett: Yes, yes, I know, my love.

Mr. Todd: We'll take the customers that we can get

Mrs. Lovett: High born and low, my love.

Mr. Todd & Both: We'll not discriminate great from small, no we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone, and to anyone at all!

Mrs. Lovett: We've got tinker...

Todd: No, no, something pinker.

Mrs. Lovett: Tailor?

Todd: Paler.

Mrs. Lovett: Butler?

Todd: Subtler.

Mrs. Lovett: Potter?

Todd: Hotter.

Mrs. Lovett: Locksmith?
(Silence)

(A Little Priest)

Tobias: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please, are your nostrils a-quiver and tingling as well, at that delicate, luscious ambrosial smell,
Yes they are, I can tell!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze
Is like nothing compared to its succulent source, as the gourmets among you will tell you, of course!
Well Ladies and gentlemen you can't imagine the rapture in store
Just inside of this door!"

Mrs. Lovett: Nice to see you deary, how have you been keeping, cor me bones is weary, Toby, one for the gentleman, hear the birdies cheeping, helps to keep it cheery, Toby, THROW THE OLD WOMAN OUT!

Mrs. Lovett: What's my secret, frankly dear forgive my candor, family secret all to do with herbs, things like being careful with your coriander, that's what makes the graver grander.

Both: Eat them slow and feel the crust how thin I rolled it, eat them slow cause every one's a prize, eat them slow and that's the lot and now we've sold it, come again tomorrow

Mrs. Lovett: Hold it!

Mrs. Lovett: Bless my eyes! Fresh supplies...

(God, that's Good!)

Mrs Lovett: A Customer!
Wait! What's your rush where's your hurry,
You gave me such a fright, I thought you was a ghost, half a minute,
Can't you sit, sit you down, SIT,
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks,
Did you come here for a pie sir,
Do forgive me if me heads a little vague (what is that?)
But you'd think we had the plague, from the way that people keep avoiding (no you don't!)
Heaven knows I try sir, but there's no one comes in even to inhale, right you are sir would you like a drop of ale
Mind you I can hardly blame them, these are probably the worst pies in London
I know why nobody cares to take 'em, I should know, I make 'em, but good? No! The worst pies in London.
Even that's polite, the worst pies in London, if you doubt it take a bite!
Is that just disgusting? You have to concede it, it's nothing but crusting, here drink this, you'll need it, the worst pies in London
And no wonder with the price of meat what it is when you get it, never thought I'd live to see the day, many'd think it was a treat
Finding poor animals what are dying in the street
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop, does her business but I notice something weird!
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared
Have to hand it to her, wot I calls enterprise, popping pussies into pies!
Wouldn't do in my shop, just the thought of it's enough to make you sick,
and I'm telling ya them pussy cats is quick,
No denying times is hard, sir, even harder than the worst pies in London,
Only lard and nothing more
Is that just revolting? All greasy and gritty
It looks like it's molting, and tastes like...
Well, pity a woman alone, with limited wind, and the worst pies in London.
Ah Sir, times is hard, times is hard.

'Mrs.Lovett: Ah, dearie, it's gonna take a lot more than that ale to wash the taste out. Come, we'll get you a cup o' gin.

Tobias: Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention please,
Do you wake every morning with shame and despair, to discover your pillow is covered with hair, what ought not to be there,
Well Ladies and Gentleman, from now on you can waken at ease,
You need never again have a worry or care, I will show you a miracle marvellous rare,
Gentleman you are about to see something what rose from the dead... On the top of my head.

Tobias: Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, that's what did the trick Sir, true Sir true,
Was it quick Sir, did it in a tick Sir, just like an Elixir ought to do.
How 'bout a bottle Mister, only costs a penny guaranteed.
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth Sir, you can have my oath Sir 'tis unique,
Rub a minute, stimulating in' it, soon you'll have to thin it once a week.

Mr Todd: Pardon me Ma'am what's that awful stench,
Must be standing near an open trench

Mrs Lovett: Are we standing near an open trench,
Pardon me Sir whats that awful stench

Tobias: Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixar, anything whats slick sir, soon sprouts curls,
try Pirelli's, when they see how thick Sir, you can have your pick sir of the girls.

Tobias: Wanna buy a bottle Mister

Mr Todd: What is this?

Mrs Lovett: What is this?

Mr Todd: Smells like piss

Mrs Lovett: Smells like...Ugh.

Mr Todd: Looks like piss

Mrs Lovett: Wouldn't touch it if I was you dear

Mr Todd: This is piss, piss with ink

Tobias: Let Pirelli's activate your roots Sir

Mr Todd: Keep it off your boots, Sir, eats right through

Tobias: Yes get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it, Ladies seem to love it

Mrs Lovett: Flies do too.

Mr.Pirelli: I am Adolfo Pirelli the King of the Barbers, the Barber of Kings. E buon giorno, I blow you a kiss. And I..the so famous Pirelli a wish-a to know-a who has-a the nerve-a to say...my elixir is piss, who say's this?

(Pirelli's Miracle Elixir)

"Do they think that walls can hide you
even when I'm at your window
I am in the dark beside you
buried sweetly in your yellow hair."

Anthony Hope (Johanna)

"The Blood of Jesus Christ His Son Cleanseth Us from All Sins." - Inscription

Anthony Hope: You wait for him here. I'll return with a coach in less than half an hour. Don't worry no one'll recognize you. You're safe now.

Johanna: Safe? So we run away and then all our dreams come true?

Anthony Hope: I hope so.

Johanna: I've never had dreams. Only nightmares.

Anthony Hope: Johanna... when we're free of this place, all the ghosts will go away.

Johanna: No, Anthony. They never go away.

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, are you listening to me?

Sweeney: Of course...

Mrs. Lovett: Then what did I just say?

Sweeney: There must be a way to get the judge...

Mrs. Lovett: Judge... Always harping on that bloody old judge...

Adolfo Pirelli: [singing] I am Adolfo Pirelli, da king of da barbers, da barber of kings, e buon giorno, good day. I blow you a kiss! And I, the so famous Pirelli, I wish-a to know who has-a da nerve-a to say my Elixir is piss! Who says this?

Sweeney Todd: I do. I'm Mr. Sweeney Todd from Fleet Street. I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's Elixir and I say to you, it is nothing but an arrant fraud, concocted from piss and ink. And furthermore, "Signor", I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank.

Adolfo Pirelli: Mr. Todd.

Sweeney: Signor Pirelli.

Adolfo Pirelli: Call me Davy. Davy Collins' the name when it is not professional. I would like me five quid back if you don't mind.

Sweeney: Why?

Adolfo Pirelli: Because you entered into our little wager under false pretenses, my friend. So, you might remember to be a bit more forthright in the future. I'll be taking half your profits from herewith. Share and share alike... Mr. Benjamin Barker.

...

Adolfo Pirelli: [looks around the room] This will do nicely. You don't remember me, do you? Why should you? I was just a little nip that you hired for a couple of weeks sweeping up hair, [toying with one of Sweeney's distinctive silver-inlaid razors] but I remember these. And how could I ever forget about you, Mr. Barker? I used to sit - right here - quietly dreaming of the day when I could be a proper barber myself. You might say that you was... inspiration to me. So, is we got a deal? Or should I run down the street to my old pal, Beadle Bamford? What do you say to that now, [Italian accent] Meestair Sweeney Todd? [laughs sinisterly]

[Sweeney beats Pirelli senseless with a teapot]

Sweeney: NOOOOOOO!! Would no one have mercy on her?

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you. Benjamin Barker.

Sweeney: Where is Lucy? Where is my wife?

Mrs. Lovett: She poisoned herself. Arsenic. From the apothecary around the corner. I tried to stop her, but she didn't listen to me.

Judge Turpin: [about Johanna] Where is she?

Sweeney: Below, your honor, with my neighbor. Thank heavens, the sailor did not molest. Thank heavens, too, she has seen the error of her ways.

Judge Turpin: She has?

Sweeney: Oh, yes, your lesson was well learned. She speaks only of you, longing for forgiveness.

Judge Turpin: Then she shall have it. She'll be here soon, would she?

Sweeney: Yes.

Judge Turpin: Excellent, my friend.

Sweeney: How about a shave? Sit, sir. Sit!

Sweeney:What's the sound of the world out there?

Mrs. Lovett:What, Mr. Todd? What, Mr. Todd? What is that sound?

Sweeney:Those crunching noises pervading the air!

Mrs. Lovett:Yes, Mr. Todd. Yes, Mr. Todd. Yes, all around.

Sweeney:It's man devouring man, my dear!

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett:Then who are we to deny it in here?

Little Priest

[Johanna is being hauled off to the asylum]

Anthony Hope: Where are you taking her? Tell me or I swear I'll...

Judge Turpin: You'll kill me, boy? Here I stand!

Judge Turpin: How seldom it is one meets a fellow spirit.

Sweeney Todd: With fellow tastes... in women at least.

Judge Turpin: What's that?

Sweeney Todd: The years, no doubt, have changed me, sir. But then I suppose the face of a barber, the face of a prisoner in the dock, is not particularly memorable.

Judge Turpin: Benjamin... Barker...?

Sweeney Todd: BENJAMIN BARKER!!

[slashes Turpin's throat]

Sweeney: [after finding out the Beggar Woman is his wife, Lucy] "Don't I know you?" she said. You knew she lived.