Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Male domestic violence

It is quite strange being empowered by the Queen to use various powers and procedures to achieve your role but at the same time enduring situations at home which you would not allow whilst on duty.

For those who have not guessed I am currently going slowly through the process of divorce. I have 2 daughters who I see what could best be described as infrequently but do get to speak to twice a week (they are approx 140 miles away now).

It is strange that you all too often get sent to deal with domestic disputes that involve...... well really nothing at all. He drank x amount and told me to do this or just the general situation where the 2 mutants you are dealing with lack the social skills to be able to deal with the everyday demands of normal life. Strange that you then go home to an environment where you find yourself in a similar position. I am not calling myself or my ex wife a mutant by the way.

How many times have you stood on the front doorstep with the key in your hand wondering what was going to greet you when you opened the door? All this after a 10 hour shift dealing with the great unwashed and their problems.It is strange to walk into the house to find that the person you rely upon most heavily has done nothing but spend all her time on face book/bebo/twitter or any other communal website that you can think of. Especially when you learn that this person has been planning to leave you for some time and actually set up a date with someone on their Open University course in Blackpool. Someone has dared to post an unpleasant comment about your partner and all of a sudden you come home from a world of shit into another world of shit. In this job there is a popular saying which goes something along the lines of if home life is shit but work is good you can cope. If home life is good and work is shit you can cope as well. If both are shit well you are well F$*cked. It is true.

I will make no pretence of being perfect. I am probably the furthest example from perfect you could find. I used to drink too much (strangely enough don’t anymore), I smoke and used to long for time on my own without wife/kids demanding attention at midnight hence late night or early morning comments on various blogs.I won’t go into the details about my relationship other than the walls bear numerous scars from temper fuelled outbursts from my former wife, I carry scars that would have (if officially crimed) led to her being placed through the courts. Coming home from nights at 7 A.M and having to wait up to get the kids to school or fed so that my “wife” could have a lie in (even when the kids had been asleep since 8 pm).....please. At the end of the day my oldest daughter (9) now has a secret message that allows me to tell if it is her or my ex who is texting me. No doubt that will go out the window shortly. It is strange how people’s perspectives and attitudes change. Despite admitting that she was an abuser, now that she has moved away she now deems it necessary to find an alternative reason for the breakdown of our marriage. As per a late comment on my last post I am now accused of being adulterous. I wish, I am 40, fat and balding.At the end of the day as a Police Officer I am willing to admit that I was subjected to domestic violence. I put up with it because I loved the person but one Thursday morning at about 8 A.M. whilst being attacked I nearly struck back. That was when I realised the end had come. No-one should be in an abusive relationship whether you are male or female. To be told after 13 years of marriage and 15 years of being with this person that they have been looking for an excuse to leave you is totally devastating. I would like to make it clear that the behaviour has totally turned off any feelings that I had and all I feel now is scorn and dislike.

The abusers always make up lies to cover their actions.

If this applies to any other male/female accept that it can happen to you. You allow it to because of love but is it really what you want?

This post is totally anonymous I hope, if it comes back to bite me in a court I will stand my ground. Suffice to say that I am no longer on the ground whilst in work.

All in all I will say that happiness after everything does come from the most unexpected places. Thank you, you know who you are.

Oh heck C.C, there is no shame, nor perceived weakness, in allowing your own truth to finally come out into the open, about an abusive wife. My heart really does go out to you, in bucket loads.The old joke about "hen-pecked" husbands is no joke at all, in reality.

As far back as the 1980's the police didn't take it seriously if a male siad that his wife was attacking him and making his life hell. I know this from experience, when I got to know a bloke who was in fear of his life, because his wife was violent, seriously violent, and had form for it. I gave him help and "sanctuary", to save his life, because she really would have killed him, if he had stayed with her for much longer.

He was a psychological mess. She had got him into using speed, which I helped him to get off, but he just turned to alcohol instead.We became close friends, but the damage that had been done to him, in his childhood and by being "hooked and trapped" by an abusive partner, spoilt everything.She had the audacity to threaten and attack me, then blame me for "stealing" her husband, who she then divorced, blaming myself in court documents.

So, shit happens, as the saying goes. But what I do know is, that right now it may feel like the end of your world, because of the loss of love you feel, and missing your kids. But time REALLY does heal the hurt you feel now. And besides which, fat 40 and bald, who cares, it is the person inside that counts for more than anything, including how fat your wallet is.

Odds on that there is someone who is as equally "imperfect", but who is right for you, just waiting to find you. A bit like a needle in a haystack maybe, but do have faith C.C.

At least you weren't beaten black and blue and knocked unconscious after seven years of abuse, and when the police came a jumped up little idiot decided to arrest *you* the second you regained consciousness, and let your abuser go on his way and then, realising their mistake, the police started making up false allegations against you....can you imagine how that would feel...?

As a supervisor I used to think that if I tried really, really hard, I could empathise with those in my charge who were going through this sort of shit. Then it happened to me and I realised just how far out of the ballpark my perceived `understanding` was - way out of the ball park.

Your courage in speaking out awes me, CC. I have a couple of thoughts on the subject - firstly (and perhaps most importantly), remember: This too shall pass.Sometimes, its hard to keep that in mind when you feel as if you are drowning in a mire - but it is true none the less.Secondly, as someone who has also "Bin there" - remember that people who throw mud rarely if ever manage it without getting covered themselves. My ex thought to justify his infidelity by claiming he did it in "self defence" after my supposed string of affairs. Suffice to say no-one who really knew me believed a word of it and even those who didn't slowly came to realise the truth. It was uncomfortable for a while, but slowly the realisation dawned that those who were important in my life never doubted me and those who doubted me weren't that important :-)Its been five years now and I can honestly say that I am much happier, have more personal freedom, enjoy life and am generally more content than I would ever have been had I stayed in a destructive relationship. Best of all, I no longer hesitate outside my front door, dreading the moment of entry - my home is once again my sanctuary, my peace and tranquillity, my restorative and my refuge from the world.Keep your chin up, know that there are people out here who care and remember to repeat to yourself daily:

I am so sorry that you are going through this bad time and from what you say you haven't been happy for a while now.In time you will see better days and please believe me when I say that I and many others will be thinking of you and hoping that things will get better for you.If you wish to email me, please do.I will be thinking of you.

No-one should go through what you have been through. When you are in this situation, it is so difficult to see a way out. Especially when there are children involved.

Domestic Violence is horrible in any case, and my heart really does go out to you for putting up with this for what i'm getting was a long time.

I'm sure you feel you can take some of the blame for the relationship breakdown, but no one should suffer violence not for any reason. Things may seem difficult for you and yes divorce is a slow process but no matter what the other party denies or tries to say is the reason, the truth always comes out no matter how much time passes. Keep remembering that.

I really hope things work out for you, you took the brave step to get out of the situation, which a lot of other people do not feel they can do (unfortunately).

Just remember not everyone can be honest with people, or themselves. It's a shame that people feel the need to deny who or what they've become in order to save face with their 'friends'.

Like the saying goes 'when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask' - no one who inflicts violence on someone admits to it. Just another one of their lovely traits, an abuser and a liar to cover their actions.

I really hope things work out for you and you find the happiness you are searching for, everyone deserves to be happy and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise.

Often times the clearing away of what is not especially good, nor helpful, nor pleasant, brings great personal turmoil and upheaval. And out of what can seem to be the 'ruins' of ones life, a brighter and far better future can unfold, like the sunshine peeking through the clouds after a fierce storm. Smiles and well being reign.

The pleasure it is often said, is in the 'giving' rather than the receiving. My happiness has been in knowing, that after everything, that you are here..... 2 'o' cups!Thank you, C.C

Anon @ 07.31 - 28th Jan 2010 said... Like the saying goes, 'If you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask'.

I really do have to disagree with that statement. Where did that journalistic 'Alice in Wonderland' NONSENSE come from? It shows a complete lack of respect for an individual and implies that what they say about their own life, or experiences isn't to be believed.What an insult. It really is a backhanded slap across the face to someone, to imply that other people's opinions of them are more important than their own words about themself.

We have a legal and medical system of so called 'experts' who operate by this very nonsense, and a far too powerful media, all of whom manage to sway public opinion in the way they want, to achieve their own agenda. I have been a victim of this sort of nonsense, none of which was the real story.And it really is quite dangerous in that it can 'lead' the masses in the wrong direction.

NO, Anon, on the 28th Jan 2010, you are very much mistaken in that brainwashed belief. If you want to find out the truth about someone, observe them discretely and consider how they treat others. What are they best known for and what good have they done to help others, or humanity in general. That will give you a glimps of the person, a 'snapshot' of the man, or woman, but certainly not the whole picture.

If you were to ask the people whom C.C has arrested and jailed, or curtailed, well, what do think their opinion of him might be?

If you asked my now grown up ADHD argumentative daughter, what I am really like, and with whom I had many a 'battle' to ensure she learned the difference between right and wrong; no doubt her opinion would not be wholly complimentary, because she STILL has 'issues'.

If you had asked the paedophile cop who abused me as a child, upon whom I well and truly blew the whistle; What's she like, what's the story? He would have said...."Well, now you ask, she's a very naughty girl, a fantasist and she's making it all up".

If you want the truth about something, or someone Anon, one really DOES need to be very careful who one asks, and believes.This ask everyone but the person concerned Alice in Wonderland system of 'investigation and reporting', can be the direct cause of confusion, misdirection and serious injustices. MANY CASES OF!

Was it not Shakespeare who said 'All the World's a Stage and all the men and women are just players', or words to that effect.We all play different roles in our lives. We are all multi faceted characters and react differently with the personalities of others, or depending upon the situation we find ourselves in, and having to deal with. Only a life long loyal and true friend is qualified to give a valid opinion or view about someone else, and even then they may not know everything that there is to know about that person. They will know only what someone has chosen to share with them.

I've been through this, they tried for two yrs to get me out the house.I was told they would use fals eaccusations and violence which she did.I was told, do not respond likewise, stay in the house, it is your house.Weventually I ended up with shared residency.Unbeknown by most, even Judges, the childrens act was designed to give both parents shared residency.

I too have been there. Deep breath as I drive into the cul-de-sac of an evening, not knowing whether she'll be up or down but bracing myself for the latter.

It's been 8 months since she was arrested for assault, bailed not to come near the house, and promptly moved in with the guy she'd been facebooking for a year.

I'm still in the middle of family court hell atm, all I want is to see my little boy but that's the last thing his mum will allow, for reasons known only to herself. My crime? Working hard to support my family, never rising to the abuse or threats, taking it all because it was easier than instigating a break-up.

You're doing the right thing CC, and lots of your friends are here to support you.

Have hesitated to write. Didn't really know what to say, very unusual for me. Good luck, fella, things will move on for the better. It can only get better but not overnight. hang on in there, you deserve better and it will come.

To Pete, Wow you really don't have a clue.It's people like you who make me laugh. You sound SO bitter and twisted. I'm assuming you are the one who doesn't have much in his life to smile about..... correct. Suggest you get out a bit more then you won't feel the need to write silly comments for people to laugh at.

I wish I was half the man that CC.com is. It took real balls to write this post, and it takes real backbone to admit the reality of a difficult situation. Admitting that there is a problem is halfway to finding a solution.

Oh dear 'Pete', such a nasty streak in you. I find it hard to believe that any decent and sane male would kick another guy when he's at a low point in his life.Perhaps 'Pete' is really a screwed up woman just having a right old bitch-fest at men in authority.

C.C aint no coward honey! It takes a strong man to NOT strike back at a deranged female who is attacking him, for whatever reason, justified or not. Go get some HRT and/or therapy 'Pete', before you do something totally stupid, or even dangerous.

You appear to be very quick to condemn C.C with your put downs and snipes, when I am pretty sure that you know very little about him, what he has been through, and more to the point, what good he has done for society. A story that has not been told yet. You, 'Pete' are in danger of making a fool of yourself because of that bee in your bonnet. Let it go please, for your sake as well as for others who have a job to do.

Yeah, too right Rach! I'll bet that C.C doesn't find 'courage' in a can of any sort. I would guess that he's strong enough to deal with whatever problems life deals him, and that he wouldn't get dragged down into a hole by any Stella 6 pack! C.C a 'coward'???MY ARSE!!! You show 'em C.C.[Er..No, don't show them MY arse C.C!]

I will reply to you as me, of course I, like you, have to say it from behind a keyboard.

The difference being though people can read about me if they want to. Can't imagine many people would be too partial to the ramblings that would emanate from you so best you continue hiding behind your name and keyboard.

OI PETE.... You are very quick to attack C.C again, with your wild assumptions. You mistakenly thought that the 'anon' post @1.11 on the 2nd March was C.C.

Well 'Petty Pete' you were wrong, again. That was me trying to make C.C smile, or even laugh, because Lord knows he sure sure needs one, with what he's had to contend with.

In my rather long experience of life, I have noticed, that it is usually those who are ignorant of the facts of the matter, who point unkind fingers of accusation and insult at people who are in fact unsung heroes, or heroines.

Pete, honey, if you do not let that bee in your frilly bonnet go, soon, it really will drive you mad.

I'm sure that there are more deserving targets for your wrath, than C.C, if you consider that suggestion with some honesty and realism. Like criminals who hurt people, and corrupt politicians who REALLY don't give a poo about people and this country.

If you want to provoke a stonking argument, why don't you go and insult the cops on Inspector Gadget's blog? They'll fight back, no problem...... That's what you want, isn't it? Or you could try your local town centre on a Friday night. I'm sure someone would oblige, even with an arrest if it's police 'attention' you're seeking.

I'm guessing it's pure jealousy on your behalf that C.C had the balls to be this honest especially with himself and walk away with his head held high. I'm assuming you are not one of these people.

You are quite obviously one of these lonely souls with nothing better to do. Although I think you might like the attention you are getting here? Does it make you feel like you have some friends, bless.

C.C good on you! Not many people like you in this world. Well done for taking that brave step and not retaliating in the same way as you were treated.

You obviously have very little understanding of spiritual laws.It is much better to be kind to people, than to be cruel.

I would point out to you 'Pete', if in fact you are the same poster who has been insulting C.C for some time, [and not just someone else who has jumped upon the bandwagon].....that what you are doing is cyber bullying and VILE.

Why don't you go and get a personality transplant, and do YOUR family a favour.

Take no notice C.C, of this moronic twit 'Pete'. You are a better person than he is, by far.

A feminist term I believe, for men who exploit women for sex and household duties, in the mistaken belief that women are inferior to men, and only good for keeping house, child care and bed warming!Whilst he brings home the bacon, of course!

Unless you ARE in fact C.C's ex-wife, I don't see how you can judge him so harshly and make such critical comments about him.

Personally, I never got into the feminist 'rant' that ALL men are 'sexist pigs'. Some can be arrogant, but that's because they feel threatened in some way. Some do believe that they are better than women because they are physically stronger, usually.

I'll take a guess that C.C's marriage broke down, because his head and his time was focused on his job, and bringing home the 'bacon'. C.C states that he's not perfect, but there are far worse men out there than he. Criminals and wife beaters Suzanne, who don't work hard for their family and society.