Jets Calling Season Ticket Holders to Apologize

With just days until their season kicks off, New York Jets players, coaches and front office executives spent the afternoon calling season ticket holders to apologize for what they are about to behold.

“I’m really sorry,” said Jets head coach Rex Ryan told one person who picked up the phone. “I’d love to tell you to hold out hope and that we’re building something great here, but that’s just not the case. We’re going to suck really bad.”

“I don’t know why you purchased season tickets, but you did,” Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez told another fan. “Unfortunately, there is no refund policy. For that and so much much more, so much more, I greatlt apologize.”

Team owner Woody Johnson conceived of the idea to call season ticket holders and be honest with them.

“Honesty is always the best policy, that’s a saying, right?” said Johnson. “For years we’ve tried to pump this team up. Rex often predicted Super Bowls. And that all backfired horribly. So we’re going another direction. We’re going honest, no matter how depressing that might be.”

Mercifully for the players, coaches and executives forced to make the calls, their time on the phone wrapped up in just over an hour.

“Most of our calls just went to voice mail,” said Johnson. “We assume that when people saw ‘New York Jets’ on their caller IDs that they refused to pick up or maybe even smashed their phones into pieces and then set those pieces on fire.”