Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.

Dear Anna,

I’m from a rural area and I can’t find a woman who is into strap-on play where I live. I have tried fetlife.com, but only get other guys messaging me on there. Where should I go to find a girl into strap-on play? — Some Asshole

P.S. Love reading the advice you give people.

Dear SA,

I’m not sure what all you’ve tried, but based on your letter I’m going to make an assumption that the fault is not due to the dearth of ladies into strap-on play near you, but in your approach.

For those scratching their chins: Strap-on play, in the hetero sense, usually (but not exclusively) involves ladies who strap on dildos (and often harnesses) and screw their fellas. It’s also called “pegging.” (Thanks, Dan Savage!)

As with many kinks, sexual preferences or anything outside the realm of missionary PIV sex, men would have far better results online and more interest if they approached women like human beings with curiosity and diverse interests and needs, and not sexual wind chimes who solely exist to cater to their wants and also turn them into soothing music. (That metaphor got away from me!) I’m not saying you do treat women this way, but that when men write to women online, the message that tends to come across most strongly is: My sexual needs are more important than your humanity! Especially when fishing for sex above all else. (See: It’s Not Ok, OkCupid for reference.)

If you were cold-called by a lady who asked nothing about you except whether you’d be interested in fulfilling her fantasy of seeing how many hot peppers she could fit in your rectum, would you respond enthusiastically? Would you respond at all? I realize that’s an extreme example, but my point is: Asking a stranger to meet your sexual needs is a big ask and it requires a lot more finesse and patience than most people are willing to give it. And the longer, more boring takeaway is: Play the long game.

Don’t search specifically for “girls into strap-on play,” like you can find a perfect sex partner from typing a kink into a box. (There are exceptions to this, but MOST of us have to try harder.) Seek out women you might click with who are open-minded and then find out where your desires and their desires converge.

Some women will be undoubtedly interested in exploring strap-on play with you, even if they’ve never tried it before, AFTER they learn who you are and determine they can trust you enough to be somewhat vulnerable with you. Sex IS vulnerability. Good sex, anyway. And with it comes the risk of rejection, judgment, humiliation and, yes, pleasure.

Tl;dr: Make a girl feel safe and she’ll screw you 69 ways to Sunday.

Tl;dr 2: If you want results, ask what you can GIVE, not what you can get.