New HPV Vaccine Findings on Sex Are Great News for Uptight Moms

Well, it's about darn time. The HPV vaccine is in the news today because researchers finally got around to studying how the shot meant to prevent cervical cancer affects our teens' desire to go out and have sex. Their findings may be shocking to some.

Turns out the HPV vaccine does absolutely nothing to encourage teens to be promiscuous. Got that, America? Protecting your kid from an STD isn't going to turn them into sluts!

Advertisement

I'd love to add a "no duh" to this little discovery, but the sad fact is, this nation is full of full grown adults who were convinced the opposite was true. This study had to be done to save kids' lives. And since we're on the subject of the bunk parents are still buying, let's talk about the other ridiculous claims out there that can go right next to the HPV vaccine on the list of things that won't make your kid have sex:

The Internet: The more time they spend on Facebook, the less time they have to put their pelvis in the vicinity of another kid's pelvis. Not to mention 75 percent of teens say they seek out health information online, including information on safe sex.

Birth control: Oh, I know, giving teenagers birth control is such a hot issue because, gosh darnit, when you give a kid a condom, they can't wait to try it out! Let's not let the fact that actual statistics show access to birth control does NOT increase sexual activity get in the way of hysteria. Wait, what? Yup, you read that right: giving kids birth control hasn't been found to make them have sex any sooner. It has, on the other hand, been found to make them have safer sex when they do decide to go that route.

Teen Mom: Talk about irony here. Since the show parents complain is "glamorizing" teen pregnancy showed up on air, the teen pregnancy rate in America has actually dropped.

Health class/sex education: As much as some states love them some abstinence-only education, we have study after study that proves it doesn't work. If anything, kids who aren't learning about safe sex (and those who don't learn about sex at all) are just as likely as their peers to have sex ... but they're MORE likely to do it without precautions to protect them from STDs or pregnancy.

Skimpy clothes: I intend to be pretty strict when it comes to my daughter's clothing as she ages, but let's face it: short skirts do not make a girl "put out" as the guys put it back in high school. In fact, this comes dangerously close to the assumption that a girl dressed "provocatively" wants to be raped.

Dyeing their hair (or piercing their ears, or wearing makeup, or ... well, you get the picture): Hello, America? It's called being a teenager. They are testing boundaries and trying to figure out who they are, and that means changing up their look. It does not mean you need to buy a chastity belt.

Are you glad to see the HPV vaccine officially cleared? What would you add to this list?