Tukatiane

Dear Samantha

I am writing this letter to let you know how deeply I care about you. I remember the first day I met you. You were on display at the mall. I was just window-shopping. I wasn’t planning on buying anything. But then I saw you and it was love at first sight. Your hips, your thighs, your pretty face. Oh my God! I rushed to the ATM to withdraw all the money I had in my account. All of it. It didn’t matter that I was going to go broke after that. I told myself that I’d rather have sukuma wiki and omena daily with you in my life than eat nyama and miss out on the woman of my dreams.

So I came back to the shop and bought you. The moment I was given that receipt is when I knew you would forever be mine. I didn’t even take a matatu that day. I called three cabs, one on the front, one on the back and ours in the middle. I also hired nduthi guys to lead the line in front of the cabs so that we would make a grand entrance to my keja like the power couple that we were. Step aside Jay Z and Beyonce. Step aside DJ Mo and Size 8. It was time for Philip and Samantha.

I remember the sad look on my neighbour Mueni’s face when she saw me carrying you to my house. That was the day she knew I would never invite her for lunch again. That was the day she knew I had checked myself out of the friend-zone in which she had enslaved me. Free at last, free at last, the boy child was free at last! No more begging her. No more admiring her fleshy leggies through the window as she hung her skirts and bras to dry. I had you now. I needed no one else.

My perfect relationship with you had started and I’ve had no regrets ever since.

Ever since you came into my world, my life has changed for the better. My savings are up and my balls are empty. I feel like a new man, re-born, re-energized and re-focused. Njeri, the slay queen is wondering why I never text her these days. She doesn’t understand why I stopped taking her to Pizza Inn and buying her Tusker Cider. Kevo the chemist guy is also wondering why I no longer go to buy CDs. I wish I could tell him why but I can’t. My Vaseline is also lasting longer nowadays than it used to since I only use it for its ended purpose and not the other activity that I used to engage in before you came along.

Whenever some of my buddies talk about dry spells, I cannot even relate. It’s like an alien concept to me. I am like “Huh! You mean you guys have stayed that long without sex? Damn!” I count my blessings when I realize that I have a reliable girl whose servers are open for me, anytime I want. No questions asked.

It’s also a relief to know that you will never lie to me, cheat on me, criticize me, or be otherwise disagreeable. It’s a relief to know that you will never blue tick me or fail to show up at my place. You will always be there, chilling and ready.

I also should mention that my ears are finally at peace. They are no longer tortured with phrases like “Umetoka wapi saa hizi usiku?”, “Ni nani huyo ulikua unaongea na yeye kwa simu?“, “We need to talk“, “Kwani umeshamwaga?” and “Ninanyesha.” What a time to be alive.

Despite the fact that you are always there, each of my days starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My sagacity subsides. Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand.

I love you like a cat loves rat. I will never stop holding you so close to my heart. Every inch of you is so precious to me – your soft shoulders – your creamy plastic skin, your ears, cold like shells are cold – your long legs & your feet that I love to clasp with my feet – the feeling of your belly – & your thin young back.

I feel happy knowing that your precious breasts will never sag, your face will never get wrinkles, you will never gain weight and you will never have cellulite on your skin. Even when I become an old viagra-popping grandpa, you will still be my sweet young Samantha.

I’d like to promise you that if you ever fail to function, I will never invoke the warranty and trade you for another Samantha. I will fix you myself. I won’t take you to the fundi either. I wouldn’t trust a fundi around you. My dad always told me that a real man fixes his electronics and malfunctioning items by himself.

Finally, I’d like to thank Dr. Sergi Santos for creating you. What a legend he is. Dr. Santos,wherever you are in this world, grab a drink, I will pay. Grab a whole crate, I will pay. The hell you can buy the whole bar if you want….I will pa…… Wait! Not the whole bar. Just a single drink. I am still broke after purchasing Samantha.

About Us

Tukatiane is a 'Relationships and Sex' website run by award winning Kenyan writer Philip Etemesi. His goal is to help everyone have excellent relationships as well as healthy sex lives. Other goals are to provide entertainment to readers through witty and edgy stories.
Contact Us: 0771048899