GMU Health & Safety to Earn Gold Star from Pres. Cabrera

FAIRFAX, Va. — On Monday, March 21, three students were arrested for possession of drugs, alcohol, and bomb-making materials. The materials were found in the students’ dorm room on George Mason University’s Fairfax campus.

If it weren’t for the university’s Environmental Health & Safety programs and the GMU Police Department, the Fairfax campus as we know it would be in deep shit.

President Cabrera presenting a gold star. Art by Chris Adams.

Reportedly, POGMU /pôɡ-mo͞o/ (President of George Mason University) ÁngelCabrera has announced that George Mason’s Environmental Health & Safety Department as well as the university’s Police Department will both earn a gold star.

“Because of their continuous vigilance and outstanding citizenship, there is no better way to honor their efforts than by rewarding the departments with a gold star,” POGMU stated Monday night in an email to all faculty, staff, and students.

“I believe very much that they have saved this university,” Cabrera continued. “Without these departments, there is no saying whether or not this campus would still be standing tomorrow. I am confident that this gold star will prolong their excellent efforts.”

Before these unidentified students were arrested on Monday, many students complained that Health and Safety inspections were “the dumbest shit ever.” However, attitudes toward the department are changing as details of the arrest unfold.

“I am confident that this gold star will prolong their excellent efforts.” — President Ángel Cabrera

“It’s so annoying. They literally checked off ‘excessive uncleanliness’ on the stupid health and safety inspection note. So what if I put my dirty clothes on the floor? Bitches,” said Sayid, 19, who is a resident at Jefferson Hall, where the illegal materials were found. “But then I heard about the arrest, so I’m glad Heath & Safety and GMUPD are doing their shit.”

“THIS IS GEORGE FUCKING MASON UNIVERSITY,” junior Alex, 20, exclaimed over Sayid’s interview, “AND WE HAVE PEOPLE CRAFTING BOMBS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?”

“Alex is right,” Sayid said. “We barely have people smart enough to pass calc exams, yet we have these hoes making bombs? I didn’t think this university had it in them.”

“FUCKING GEORGE MASON UNIVERSITY,” said Alex.

George Mason University’s Office of Strategic Communications has informed us that President Cabrera will award the gold star to GMU Health & Safety and GMUPD on Wednesday, March 23.