I used to be a person who lived to please—the A student, the good child, the helpful friend and yes, even the dutiful wife.

I lived in a self-denying bubble of placating, appeasing and keeping the boat from rocking.

Then, I hit a wall.

That wall was my last romantic relationship. I collapsed, physically exhausted and emotionally depleted from a year of believing my boyfriend’s happiness depended on my behaviors conforming to his never-ending expectations. It didn’t help that he battled depression, so that happiness wasn’t even in the spectrum of the possible. I was lucky if my capitulations moved his mood from despairing to mopey, and of course those mood boosts never did last because I was never really the source of his discontent.

This summer, I married the man I’ve lived with for two years.

I married him as a woman who had been bitch-slapped wide awake from her pattern of adapting like a chameleon to a man’s needs in order to feel loveable.

And, yet, here I am in a situation where my new husband wants me to be something I am not—or at least not right now. He is not asking me to be less outgoing or less vocal; to be less bossy and more feminine; to be less argumentative, flirtatious or ambitious (things I’ve been asked by other men to be and woefully tried to become).

No, he’s asking me for more sex.

He’s asking me in the throes of libido-dropping, vagina-drying menopause to pick up my sex drive and get with the program. And I’m trying .

Well, sort of.

In going inward, I realize I’m wary of going backward to that co-dependent place where I do what is expected in a barter for love.

You’re thinking, what’s the big deal, he’s not asking you to be a BDSM sex slave, just to be more sexual. True.

Yet sex has always been a pleasure palace, a carnival of orgasmic delight and now, with hormonal changes, that’s not always so. In fact, sometimes sex is just not comfortable, let alone Oh-My-God good.

I just told my younger, multi-orgasmic sister of my diminished sexual response and she said, with a huge groan, “That’s f*cking depressing.” Is it? Or is it just another phase of life—just like pre-puberty is a time where sexual pleasure does not dominate the foreground, could post-reproductive years be that simple? Just a new stage with a different focus, instead of a dreaded end of the world?

So do I adapt and go with the more frequent sex to keep the peace? (I’m picturing dutiful missionary position here). Or do I fix the problem (one of my appeasing strategies) by rebooting my body to fertility status with hormone replacement therapy—even though I am an all natural, organic, yoga-type who rarely takes an aspirin let alone a synthetic hormone cocktail brimming with cancer risks.

And what about the fact that without fertility hormones running my biology, I seem to be more creative and more focused on my work and more inspired by the muse than I have ever been in my life?

And that’s the thing. I did pick them. I picked men who looked to their lover for validation. Men who equated being loved and feeling loveable, with having their needs, demands and wishes met.

When I hit that wall a few years ago, April 2009 to be exact, I was so exhausted from my own relentless efforts to give up me to be loved by him, I felt hollowed out. Healthy lifelong, I was suddenly diagnosed with a crippling autoimmune disorder. I could barely move (let alone jog, dance, do yoga or have sex) without having to go back to bed for a day. It took me more than a year to recover.

My body was saying, enough. And finally, my heart was ready to listen.

Now I am faced with learning a new skill—balancing the needs of self with the needs of other. Not my needs over his or his over mine. This balancing act is called interdependence. I’ve read about it in countless relationship self-help books and now I am learning how to dance it.

Because I want this relationship to be the playground for true love that I know it can be. And because I married a man I truly like.

I like him because he makes me laugh. He makes me coffee in the mornings and martinis at night. He takes the puppy out walking so I can write, and then proofreads my articles. We both love to read, to watch Fringe on TV on Friday nights and we both fiercely love good, really good, wine.

More reasons? He listens when I talk. He doesn’t like everything about me, yet nor does he try to change me. And best of all, he doesn’t rely on me to make him happy. As I’ve healed my need to please (in order to be loveable), I’ve married a man who is pleased with himself and by life.

But this man I married also has a strong sex drive—and tied to that drive, a sex equals intimacy calculus. (I can feel intimate just cooking dinner together—oh yeah, did I mention he cooks too?)

So. Do I need to give up me to be loved by him?

No. I think the truer question now, is: How can I honor me so I can offer the love being called for, whether I am more sexually available or not.

You see, I’m pretty sure it’s not really about sex, even though it’s also about sex.

It’s really about finding the sweet spot, that place where his innocence, and mine, are waiting to do the tango of self-and-selfless love. That place where I step to the rhythm of my own truth, while lovingly considering how I can meet my dance partner in life, at least half way.

I’m on the edge of that discovery. I’ll let you know what I find.

(This is the first in a series of The Estrogen Diaries, that will chronicle my adventures, insights and challenges in the land of peri-menopause—technically, I’m not in official medical menopause until 12 menstrual cycle-free months. For the record, as of this post, I’m at five and I turned 50 in April.)

About Lori Ann Lothian

Lori Ann Lothian is a spiritual revolutionary, divine magic maker and all-purpose scribe. Her articles on love, relationships, enlightenment and sex have appeared at Huffington Post, Good Men Project, Yoganonymous, Origin magazine, Better After 50, XO Jane and on her hit personal blog The Awakened Dreamer. She is also a senior editor at the online magazine, The Good Men Project, Lori Ann lives in Vancouver, Canada, with her husband and daughter, where she has learned to transcend the rain and surrender to mega doses of vitamin D. Tweet her at Twitter or friend her on Facebook at Facebook.

Dear Lori, You have touched the center of my heart. "It’s really about finding the sweet spot, that place where his innocence, and mine, are waiting to do the tango of self-and-selfless love. That place where I step to the rhythm of my own truth, while lovingly considering how I can meet my dance partner in life, at least half way." I can hear the sweet tango music playing all the way down here in LA. Love you so so much, Dawn

Wow this hits home. Whether being in a new relationship or being married for 26 years like I have, sex is a huge part of a relationship. Seldom do you get in a relationship when both partner's sex drive is the same. The one whose sex drive is less seems to have all the control – at least according to my husband. I always think of a previous article you wrote about walking the dog – sometimes you just need to 'walk the dog' because you know it makes him happy and it is good for you! Looking forward to following this series.

As Schnark points out in his latest book, in every relationship there is going to be one partner with a higher sex drive and the one with the lower sex drive naturally controls the environment……whether they want the control or not. He outlines four points of balance that this environment is set up to help us grow towards…..
The Four Points of Balance are:
Solid Flexible Self – the ability to be clear about who you are and what your about, especially when your partner pressures you to adopt and conform
Quiet Mind, Calm Heart – being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts, and regulate your own anxieties
Grounded Responding – the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your partner gets anxious or upset
Meaningful Endurance – being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your relationships and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth

Please forgive my directness… but since you are talking about sex, I'll try to keep it real and don't how else to say this: you could always give your husband a quick hand job or quick blow job. That ought to keep him happy without causing you too much effort or inconvenience. Otherwise you may run the risk of your husband turning to someone else, or to pornography, to get his (imagined) needs met.
Blessings to you both!

Yes, that's an option. Yet then there comes a time where the "chore' factor sets in, you know? A blow job can be an act of service vs a mutual sex play thing, but if the BJ service becomes like routine car maintenance, it's not going to really solve teh "intimacy" angle……

I've already got estrogen suppositories prescription that I've been waiting to use, or putting off using, until i do all the cancer risk research.

I am noticing a lot of comments are "fix it" comments.

The real point of the piece, is that sexuality is sold as a must-have/be part of life. But do we really imagine at 80 that sex is a priority?

The body changes it's hormonal profile because it is no longer a baby-making machine. This change of hormones has many impacts–not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. So far, i am really loving the emotional even handedness of no mid cycle and PMS…and i am enjoying new creative and mental clarity and focus. I wouldn't trade it for the more foggy estrogen saturated old self….

"i am really loving the emotional even handedness of no mid cycle and PMS…and i am enjoying new creative and mental clarity and focus. I wouldn't trade it for the more foggy estrogen saturated old self….

But that's just me…"

Me too! Me too! I've tried explaining this new found clarity and sense of purpose to others but I think it's one of those things you just have to experience for yourself. Personally, I wouldn't go back for anything!! Sure, sometimes I do miss the over-the-top sexual feelings I used to have but that one thing has been supplanted with so SO much more. I'm good.

Thanks for your honest story. Why is it that a waning sex drive, especially after menopause, is considered to be pathological? Why is it always something that a woman needs to fix? It makes complete sense to me that when the sex-drive hormones wane, so would your sex drive. The period of a woman's life when you are most fertile coincides with the time when your sex drive is strongest. It just makes sense. I agree that when our energy is less focused on our libido, our creative energies can more easily find another outlet. But being in relationship with a man whose cycles are different is very challenging. Thanks for sharing your ideas on this. I'll look forward to future posts.

Dear Charlotte: Loss of libido is not an inevitable consequence of menopause. I know having been through it. At 57 my partner and I make love daily. It's energizing, invigorating, gets the creative juices flowing and it keeps the mojo alive! It's a myth that loss of libido is inevitable….there are ways to keep oneself juicy and the intense intimacy of sexual connection is such a draw for me I would not be satisfied to lose it.

The biggest risk with hormone replacement is blood clots, not cancer. And it is a serious risk. Not sure it the creams carry the same level of risk, but I would stay clear of any kind of systemic hormones. I am lucky to be alive today after having a pulmonary embolism due to oral contraceptives and was told I would never, ever take any hormones again. Even after testing negative for all the genetic risk factors and being an ultra healthy (no smoking) yogini. HRT is certainly not the solution we thought it would be for post menapausal marital bliss. I'm curious about the bio-identical compound – will read about it. Thanks so much for posting and starting the discussion!

I agree with Auki. I You have such great intimacy in most areas of the relationship that you both truly are blessed. Perhaps separating out a "healthy" amount of just straight "sex" for your partner – non-vaginal and not uncomfortable – as opposed to the deep intimacy you obviously typically have, might alleviate the deep feelings you're having while at the same time lovingly taking care of your partners needs during this time.

As a very young and active 49-year-old man now dating woman from their mid-30s to mid-50s, this is especially pertinent. Thanks for the article.

Good feedback. As a man dating out there a wide age range, do you sense a difference in the sex interest of older women. In my early forties, like many woman, there was the huge surge of sexual interest, as testosterone levels increase for most women in their 40's, giving them a new voraciousness for sex. Alas, it's like the last blazing bloom of the rose…..natures way of making sure as the odds of getting pregant decrease biologoically the urge for sex increases. We often romanticize sex or spiritualize it. But really, it's a primal thing that yes, can be elevated, but still has it's pleasure roots in the ground of fertility.

"I’m pretty sure it’s not really about sex, even though it’s also about sex." So true! I think it's sometimes about sex…but often about evvverryyything else too. xo ~ Kate (weird…didn't realize I was logged in as admin!)

Have you considered letting him have a lover or at least bringing the subject up for discussion?

The same thing happened in our marriage as you describe. My wife allowed me to have other lovers and it's been the best thing for our marriage. It's resulted in the most honest, trusting and vulnerable discussions we've had in 14 years…the discussions themselves were profoundly intimate and deepened our love and respect for each other.

Our sex life has actually improved, and I've discovered how to be physically intimate with my wife without "needing" sex. There is more deep affection between us than ever before.

I wil say that it can be complicated and it may take extensive discussion, but it's a discussion that's worthwhile even if you and/or he decides you don't want to do it. You might be surprised at what you will learn about yourself and him.

Yes, we have talked about this. I am very interested in your experience. I am wondering if you would consider writing a piece for me at elephant journal love and relationships about it? I'm the editor of that section.

If a man loves you, he accepts your body as a real female body, not an object for the use of his own pleasure. Real female bodies age, have hormonal changes, ebbs and flows in sex drive as well as all kinds of other things. If he wants sex, and you don’t, he can masturbate. WTF is the big deal? Why would he want to have sex with some one who is not really into it? If he does, or he he doesn’t really care, dump him. Women are not objects. His pleasure, his sex drive, his fullfillment is his own responsibility, not yours. His body is his. His penis is his. His orgasm, his. You are not to be used as as service. You can work this out together, but remember this: his sex life is not your responsibility.

Oh. btw. If EJ wants to help women empower themselves, how about not constantly posting pics of mostly-naked women? Can you actually post an article about sex without doing soft porn? Waylon and Kate, grow up.

You seem a bit pissed off. I like this bottomline "his sex life is not your responsibility." Yes, just as another's happiness is not my responsibility either. Yet in an interdependent relationship, the key is healthy boundaries and healthy compromise. A dependent stance would be for me to service my husband despite my own needs/desires. An independent stance, is a fuck you stance. I am striving for the balance point….

I edited my own piece, I choose the tasteful semi0nude feature photo. It spoke to me of a woman turning inward. The piece IS about sexuality and partial nudity supports the article's theme.

Yes, I am annoyed, sad, and exasperated that in 2012 there are still women seeking empowerment through publishing images that objectify women. This is sad, sad cognitive dissonance. That is not “tasteful.” A more accurate photo of the conflict would have been a picture of a fully erect penis and a fully clothed woman. But that would be completely pornographic, wouldn’t it?
I feel very sorry for so many of the women who post here, who confuse their own sexual objectification with freedom. The whole reason you’re confused is because yes, Virginia, there is a patriarchy. So why continue to replicate it?

Sex is part of an intimate relationship, there's no denying this. And it varies so much from person to person, it's difficult to give advice or comment. I'm perimenopausal and I've made it clear that I need more time to get aroused than I used to. And I have no problem "walking the dog" (damn, Audrey, that's brilliant!).

Actually, I've recently lost my job (so, how's that economy going, anyway…) and we've had some lunch dates, wink wink nudge nudge. And we have scheduled date nights – dinner and …. As long as your partner knows what you're going through, there should be a way to compromise.

Lovely article and much appreciated. Entering into that time in my life…where my needs have to be considered before everyone else s for perhaps the first time in my life I find your scenario both familiar and thought provoking. And I know I'll be looking forward to your thoughts on this as you move forward. Thank you for sharing

It's all about your pleasure, darling. If you're not turned on, you're not turned on. I don't think this article is solely about a lack of sex drive synchronicity. It's about the profound intricacy and exquisite vastness of woman. There is indeed a monumental shift taking place when a woman heads into menopause, which is likened to labor, as you culminate with the birthing of the crone, the new wisewoman. Some women just don't want sex when they're in labor, and how can you blame them?
Women historically took a croning year, or a year of solitude where they could go within, digest the fulness of what their lives held thus far, and begin to learn how to hold the power that now was to be contained rather than bled out into the earth each month as a precious and sacred offering to life.
It seems that your perimenopausal years have brought great learning and growth in standing in your own right to selfhood, as opposed to living for other. As you move into labor now, I see this as an opportunity to cultivate a more delicate intimacy as bodies age and change. What else is pleasurable, and how can that be something your partner can participate in? If it brings you pleasure, he will be drunk with his own pleasure off of those vibes.
Rather than concern in how to sync up to an obviously old pattern of pleasuring together, what are the new desires arising and are you giving them freedom to dance? The next phase of sexuality will come, I am certain. Just as we grow out of our favorite dress and learn to wear and love a new one, you and your beloved will learn new steps to this new, refined dance of intimacy.

Lori Ann -such a great piece!! I find that many women are dying to talk about menopause and all of the sometimes mysterious 'stuff' that comes with it. It is so amazing to me that so many women often suffer (yes, suffer) in silence.
I did for a short time and then I started reaching out to other women and ASKING them about their experience and figured out how I wanted to experience it. I decided to embrace it…ALL of it.
I am on the other side of things, for the most part…for 2 years now (I am 57) and it's been the most interesting journey. It is very layered…it affects us deeply on many levels.
I applaud you for putting it out there….Cheers to Sisterhood!
With Love, Deb

I did not have time to read every comment, so don’t know if I am repeating others.

Having always had a very high sex drive, I was sad to see it diminish and then completely disappear during the throes of menopause. “Will it ever come back?” I wondered. As my marriage fell apart (for many reasons that started way before the sex dried up)I stopped even missing the primal need, the awesome joyous wonder, that had always been part of me.

And Then: it came back. Not all at once, but slowly, sweetly, and different. Not tied to my cycles, not heated by this ‘lets make a baby’ song of my body, but something else altogether.

Wow…for someone like myself who went through an early menopause and the dissolution of my marriage and subsequent early death of my husband it is wonderful to hear about the other side or up side. Now just 50 and into menopause for about 4 years now I have wondered how much my body will come back…it is slowly and there is a certain freedom that comes with my 50's

I am with Oceana. This is a major developmental stage and the opportunity to be true to ourselves. The decline of estrogen allows us to be seated into our bodies in a way that most of us have long forgotten. Think of the confidence and clear-seeing of prepubescent girls. This is hard because we have surrendered our bodies to all sorts of energies that do not serve us. It is a time of major processing, releasing and reconnecting with our true selves. As Oceana mentions, it is an opportunity for your partner to redefine his ideas about intimacy.

Thanks for your words of experience. I am so happy to hear from menopausal wise women–i remember two years ago posting on facebook something like, "if you are menopausal, please share here…." Of my 3000 friends, not one replied…as if there was shame or embarrasment in admitting this….

This is so interesting, as my life experience has been that I have always had a stronger sex drive than my partner, and the most common concern of my women friends has been that their male partners don't want sex nearly as much as they do…this has been a common thread since Woodstock… Now, as we are in menopause, the use of bio-identical hormones has made the age and "dryness" issue non-existent, but the "desire" issue remains among the men, at least. My learning has come from the understanding that I can deeply enjoy sex when I am not aroused and have no intention of being aroused during that time, so there is just joy in the other person's experience. Those daily drop dead orgasms are still there…just not always with a partner. Works wonderfully…

I personally and professionally believe it's "pathological"………and by that I mean "not normal" or healthy. I think women buy into the myth and it actually affects their mood. Some of the best drugs for treating low libido are –

1. get outside in the fresh air and natural light and walk or work *briskly* for at least one full hour.

2. Get rid of all those nasty, petrochemical-filled scented shampoos/conditioners/lotions/perfume/makeup/deodorant/cleaning and laundry products, and the like (they ruthlessly cause hormone disruption), and replace them with pure 100% plant-based products (like Avalon Organics, Tom's and Seventh Generation).

5. As much as possible, sleep by 11PM…until 7AM. These are the magic hormone replenishment hours.

6. Have your cholesterol and blood sugar checked, and – while avoiding pharmaceuticals – employ the recommended dietary changes for management of abnormal levels (with the except of – DO NOT use artificial sweeteners and shun all "diet" products containing them.

7. Continue exploring your sexuality and sensuality with your partner. During menopause arousal comes more slowly. It's a perfect time for your partners to learn how to take their time really cherishing the right to touch you….to see you as a sacred gift, a divine being, a vulnerable being that loves to be touched…but with no rush to a single focused agenda.

8. Self-pleasure alone and with your partner…..and even if you don't feel like it most times…don't turn down the opportunity for sexual intimacy…but perhaps clearly explain that you need to feel you're both taking more time simply enjoying the nakedness and intimacy with each other, and that touch can evolve over an hour…or hours of intimacy together. Make it luxurious, sensuous, say loving, admiring and affirming things to each other…not a rush to an end point. Make "making love" be just that!….the making of more love energy…take the focus off the genitals and keep it in the heart, and in the deliciousness of giving and receiving pleasure.

9. Consider going to an "anti-aging" specialist who knows how to interpret hormone level test results based on "optimal level" as opposed to merely "in normal range". Consider bio-identical hormone replacement therapy for hormone levels that are outside optimal range. I also recommend a couple of natural products that have helped me and my clients enormously, but this is where I stop giving free advice.

I'm with Katherine – didn't have time to read all the comments. My marriage of 26 years fell apart as I went through menopause. I thought my sex drive had dried up and was a thing of the past. But I was wrong, it came back and it came back strong! I'm in a new marriage and I am enjoying the best sex of my life. I attribute it to learning more about myself and my needs, primarily through yoga, but also to my partner who is sensitive, caring, mindful, gentle, attentive and playful. He is a wonderful lover! Don't give up on your situation. Read up on menopause and talk with your spouse – you said he was a good listener. Hopefully the two of you can successfully navigate the effects of menopause and continue to cultivate your relationship for when it all comes back! Good luck!

What a well-written article and a very taboo subject! Let's talk about the other's point of view, shall we? What about the husband's duty to stand by you as you go through this very challenging time. Instead of asking for more he may have to be more understanding during this stage of life. Also sexual therapists may help you both. I feel for you and I'm not looking forward to that part of my life however, necessary as it may be.
Stay strong!
xoxo

I'm a woman in my mid 50s and I (still) love sex! I practice yoga everyday, meditate, eat super healthy, and take a minimal amount of bio- identical hormones. I went to several doctors and finally found one that helps me keep it all in balance. I'm happier than ever. I'm more self- confide tent and assertive (in a gentle, loving way) than I ever was when I was younger. Sex is important in a relationship and too much fun to give up.

What you discuss in this blog is so important–That is the power to choose–Thank you for raising this issue. So many women don't feel that they have choice in their sexual expression–That they need to do what the man says and abdicate their needs or they need to dominate the man with there needs because they are afraid of being dominated. Thank you for shining a light past those issues to choice: When we chose powerfully and not from fear of dominating or being dominated then we are truly free–No matter what we choose.

My husband of 25 years and I have rarely been on the same wavelength about frequency. For years I was the one refusing and rebuffing him because "I wasn't in the mood." Now I'm now the one who can go several times a day, several times a week and he can't keep up (possible pun intended). What I have learned from this time is how shitty I often made him feel in my efforts to get him to "love me without needing sex." If I could go back in time I would change the way I treated him.

In a monogamous marriage you are asking the other person to come to you, and you alone, for their sexual needs. True, the other person should be respectful and considerate and reasonable. But that goes both ways.

I appreciate how much time my husband devotes to fulfilling my sexual needs when he'd probably just as soon be watching TV or doing any of his other fascinating hobbies. He knows firsthand what it is like to be the one rejected and how badly that hurts. I appreciate that he and I are both learning new ways to pleasure each other and show the love and devotion that we have for one another. And like Audrey said, sometimes we just need to walk the dog because he needs a walk.

Lori, like you I also find that this is the most creative time of my life. It cracks me up that my writing muse waited to show up until most of my nouns are gone, but such is the irony of life.

[…] I admit listening to my vagina is sometimes like asking me to listen to opera—I resist. There are the times where she is messaging me to follow through with a sexual experience, that she is pleasure-loving it, but I shut her up. Maybe I’m at my edge, at a place of discomfort emotionally, or perhaps imagine I’m not in the mood. […]