Dating Sabotage

Three common dating mistakes that can be fatal to a life-long relationship.

The first step to SpeedDating is consciously committing to finding a long-term, meaningful relationship -- and not settling for less. If you ask many people if they're thinking of a long-term commitment with the person they're dating, they'll say, "No, no, we're just dating." You meet them three years later and they're saying the same thing.

For the SpeedDating process to work, dating must be seen as a vehicle for achieving a life-long committed relationship.

But couldn't we assume that almost anyone reading this is looking for a meaningful, lasting relationship? Certainly, yes. Yet you may be dating in ways that have little chance of success. You may be falling victim to faux-relationships that seem headed in the right direction, but in fact are not. We like to say that these relationships craft half of a life-long relationship -- the long part! Long-term faux-relationships are common time-wasters and heart-breakers because they typically last eight months to three years, but never held the potential for lifelong commitment.

Let's examine a few such scenarios to help identify and avoid them in the future.

The Shaper

Shapers try to change the person they're dating into someone he is not in order to make the relationship work. When Shapers encounter a deal-breaker situation in a relationship, they believe that if given just enough time and persuasion, the other person will change. Typically Shapers believe the relationship is perfect except for "just" one thing.

Jane is a classic Shaper. When we met Jane she was dating John. Jane admired John's intelligence, sense of humor and strong work ethic. She believed they were perfect for each other. There was just one problem -- John's consuming passion for sport car racing. When he wasn't working, John spent the majority of his time devoted to his hobby -- either at the racetrack or at home working on one of his many cars. Jane disliked everything about this hobby. Cars didn't interest her and she especially hated going to the track, where her emotions ranged from bored to terrified.

Instead of recognizing this deal-breaker situation, she tried to change reality.

She figured that John would outgrow this hobby someday. She certainly couldn't imagine marrying someone who spent his life devoted to car racing. She bought John a tennis racket and lessons at the local health club. When he didn't develop an interest in tennis, she bought them both mountain bikes and would regularly suggest that they go for bike rides. For over 18 months Jane tried to pull John away from his passion, with no success. Instead of recognizing and dealing with this deal-breaker situation, Jane continued to try to change reality.

There's nothing wrong with exposing a potential partner to areas of your life to see if they, too, will be interested, but it's unhealthy and unrealistic to try to mold a person into something he is not.

Had Jane been SpeedDating, she would have handled the situation differently. When she discovered that John, as wonderful as he was, was essentially married to a hobby she despised, she would first look within herself to see if in fact it was a deal-breaking situation. If it was, she would have explored for a limited time the possibility that he might be open to expanding his interests beyond car racing. Once she saw that he had no desire to do this, and if it was a true deal-breaker, she would have accepted that reality and broken off the relationship.

Holding onto the fantasy of the other person changing carries a great price in time and heartache.

Whenever we suggest this approach to a Shaper, the immediate question asked is: "But what if he changes after we break up?" Our answer: he probably won't. If he does, you can re-evaluate and perhaps re-start the relationship. But holding onto the fantasy of him changing carries a great price: time, heartache, and -- for women who want to have children with a committed partner -- fertility.

The trap Shapers fall into is the mistaken belief that either they or time have the power to change someone. Many Shapers hold on to their fantasies because they lack confidence that they will meet someone as "great" as their current boyfriend. The reality is that while the Shaper is desperately holding on to a relationship destined for failure, Mr. Right may be passing, undetected, through her life.

Shapers are typically women. It is well known in traditional Jewish circles that women have a special ability to understand men (especially their significant others) and exert influence over them. This special ability is called, bina. The negative side of this quality of bina, is that women sometimes come to believe they can change someone who is not open to change -- and hence a Shaper is born.

Defaulters

Another common mistake is to fall into what we term a "default-relationship." These occur because people mistakenly believe the myth in our society that you must completely enmesh yourself in a relationship to obtain the insights and information you need to make a commitment.

This myth is very dangerous because it clouds the point at which the "dating" stops and a "relationship" begins. By the time Defaulters figure out that the relationship is not right, they are so enmeshed with and invested in each other, they either feel an obligation to continue the relationship or they don't have the strength of character to leave it.

When Paul and Ann began dating, there was an immediate attraction. Paul was a struggling actor and Ann a physician's assistant. Within a couple of weeks they were seeing each other almost every day and within a few months were fully entrenched in each other's lives. A couple of years later Ann began suggesting they get married. By this time Paul felt an obligation to marry Ann because she had been supporting his acting career for the past year. Intuitively, however, he sensed that they were not right for each other. He'd had this sense for the past year and a half -- but living with her was so convenient, he kept procrastinating.

As he walked down the aisle at his wedding, he sensed they would end up divorced.

They did end up getting married, having a couple of children and then divorcing. Paul confided to us that as he walked down the aisle at his wedding, he sensed he and Ann would end up divorced.

While this story is extreme, the point is clear: Paul and Ann began a serious relationship before they had decided that they were right for each other. The extent of Ann's giving to Paul was well out of proportion to the commitment Paul had made to her and Paul never made the conscious decision of wanting to be in a relationship with Ann -- it just happened.

SpeedDaters date with one goal in mind -- to gather the information and insights they need to make a decision about whether to commit. SpeedDaters use the SpeedDating tools to collect this information, instead of enmeshing their lives with another before a commitment to the relationship has been made.

The Cynic

The Cynic consciously or subconsciously no longer believes that she can find a lasting relationship. In fact, many Cynics believe that lasting relationships are mere fantasy. Unfortunately, the Cynic is usually the product of too many failed relationships.

Carol, at age 45, still dreamed of finding a committed relationship. However, she had known from the start of her past two relationships that they would never last. Her current boyfriend, Don, was fun to be around but had serious lapses in responsibility. He had filed for bankruptcy, still had debts and had no plans to change his free-spending behavior. Carol knew she would never lend him money, let alone believe the relationship had any real hope for commitment.

When Carol attended a SpeedDating seminar, she was shocked to realize that if she followed SpeedDating principles she would not have dated her previous boyfriend, or the man she was seeing now. "And if I hadn't dated them, then I wouldn't have had a relationship for over six years!" she said with horror.

Cynics don't believe there is a better relationship out there and that they can find it.

Implicit in her statement is the classic Cynic assumption that these short-term relationships, or "companionship relationships," as we call them, are better than risking being alone, holding out for the right relationship. On a certain level, Cynics don't believe that a third option exists -- that there is a better relationship out there and that they can find it.

Choosing the short-term companionship of a relationship void of any hope of long-term commitment is not SpeedDating. If your goal is a relationship that lasts, cynical thoughts, comments and actions won't bring you any closer to your goal. If you see patterns of the Cynic within yourself, remember that SpeedDating has worked for people of all ages and stages.

What do the Shaper, Defaulter and Cynic have in common? They do not focus on their true goal of finding the right relationship, not just any relationship. SpeedDating does not mean getting into just any relationship faster; it's finding the right relationship faster and ending the dating phase of your life forever.

From SPEEDDATING. Copyright 2002 by Yaacov Deyo and Sue Deyo. All rights reserved. HarperCollins Publishers. Used by permission.

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About the Author

Yaacov Deyo is a graduate of Harvard College, where he studied physics and economics. He received his rabbinic degree from Aish HaTorah in 1996. He is a founder of SpeedDating and Jewish Impact Films, and is presently the Managing Director for the Jewish Enrichment Center in Manhattan.

Visitor Comments: 16

(16)
Anonymous,
May 1, 2013 4:26 AM

Speed dating

for those of you who are into blind dating guys/girls that you find on dating websites, rabbi betsion klatsko from shabbat.com can really do a lot for you. he constantly invites ppl to spend shabbos at his house in monsey and sets countless ppl up...very chilled, no pressure.

(15)
Sara,
May 27, 2010 1:28 PM

Serial daters

People (including me) criticize those who 'serial' date... after reading this article, I changed my view point.
Just googled "Jewish Dating" and found this new site called PlentyOfJews.net, maybe I can finally date a few guys without feeling like it's an arranged marriage!

(14)
julie,
December 22, 2008 12:33 PM

perfect

I am the cynic. I have been dating a man for eight years and was sitting here today looking for possible advice. You have the perfect description of the relationship listed.

(13)
marvin wang,
July 3, 2005 12:00 AM

odd

if these concepts seem new to you, you probably shouldnt be dating yet. I can honestly say that I was well acquainted with all of these precepts before leaving high school.

(12)
Albina,
March 21, 2005 12:00 AM

Wow..i'm speechless!

I was casually roaming the site and some how ended up on this page. I recently got out of a relationship in which i was the Shaper. As I read on, I realized that shapers posses bina which is part of my name!!! Wow....i knew bina means understanding but it's all making sense! I've been struggling with letting go thinking that "it's perfect except this one thing and it will change". I finally got the courage to do something about that "one thing" - part. It's hard but for sure it's for the better. Don't settle ladies, be selfish with your feelings and protect your mind, body, and soul. We owe it to ourselves.

(11)
briana,
January 24, 2005 12:00 AM

wow, these speed dating tips are the best advice i have ever been givin, or have read. they are down to earth, honest, and reasonable. it makes much more sense to me somehow, and has givin me a different perspective and outlook on things as far as dating goes.i'm defenitly am going to take this advice.

(10)
Barbara McKnight,
September 21, 2004 12:00 AM

Thanks!

Thank you for helping me to understand some more things about relationships - It does seem to be tricky to find that right person without sabotaging our own happiness!

(9)
Jayne,
July 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Very interesting!

I have learned you cant change anybody.
I learned like Jane.If you cant except them,Dont even get close.Move on to someone you can respect and not change!!
There will be no pain involved.

(8)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2003 12:00 AM

I LOVED reading this! I truly think we should get more "relationship advices," from you guys. I have been "all the above," and realized that I have wasted sooo much of my time with this, but realize it's better to "be alone" than to fall into any of these traps.
Thanks for your advice.

I just wish speeddating would be in New York City!!!

(7)
Joel Kalman,
June 10, 2003 12:00 AM

Valuable Guidance

This article sets important appropriate boundaries for single people lost in fast changing world. Jewish singles, especially, are primed for compromise, when the task seems so impossible for minorities immersed in a majority culture. These relationship boundaries are illustrated by explanation and example. Thank you for the excellent and essential material!

(6)
dan goorevitch,
September 9, 2002 12:00 AM

i wished i'd read this years ago!

terrific. i wish i'd read this years ago. really good food for thought.

(5)
Michael,
August 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Jumping straight can be painful

The biggest mistake any dater can do is to jump heart first into a relationship without know the other person. Have you ever felt to good and right on your date that it is like you must have met your date in a past life? There is a commmon bound from the beginning unlike you ever experienced before. Well, how many of these relationships actually work out in the end. The beinning mat start out the greatest ever, but then over time you learn the differences and many may be fatal. I caution all to take their time and enjoy your immediate feelings, but be realistic about the fact that you may not know the person fully. Just because you are calling each other soulmates and it feels so true, there may be additonal skeletons you are not aware of at the begging. Lastely, never...ever....tell two girls at once you care about them. I have done that twice and again very recently, and I hurt both girls which led to consequences at work and personal life. Dating is not easy, so apporach it slowly so you do not get stuck in the traps! Peace.

(4)
Adam,
August 10, 2002 12:00 AM

Good error descriptions but too much faith in speed dating

This page offers a useful summary of some of the errors people make in dating, however it is unreasonable to think that speed dating is the solution to these problems. Speed dating is useful only to get a brief introduction to someone, but little more. For example, Jane the Shaper would probably not have seen that John was "married" to his hobby to the extent that he was, during a brief coversation. In reality, it takes many conversations, and more importatly, real experience with someone in real situations to determine what he or she is like, which, in reality, takes weeks or months. At best, speed dating can rule out some and generate preliminary interest in others.

(3)
Peggy Rosoff,
July 21, 2002 12:00 AM

accepting someone for who they are

It is SOOOOO important to realize that especially past your 30's or 40's, we've all become who we are and we really aren't going to change...think about it, if you really found someone "perfect", you wouldn't want them any way. And then, examine yourself, are YOU perfect? We need to be accepting and forgiving and particularly allow our "mate" to be who they are. I couldn't agree more with the DO NOT TRY to change who the person is who you are dating, especially if you have long term hopes and goals. In the end, you and they will be happier for it!

(2)
Donna Karen Rosenblum,
July 10, 2002 12:00 AM

Great Info

If only this insight...and website...had been available 15 years ago, I would have wasted much less time of my time with inappropriate partners. Thank you for your good work.

(1)
Jeanne ullenberg,
July 8, 2002 12:00 AM

A must for every teen to learn!

Thank you for the excellent article. I am a counselor with a crisis pregnancy clinic, and I am always looking for articles or material that teen can relate to, in order to get them to think about why they are dating and the reason they are in the predicament that they are in, and how they can change their behavior...so many don't have a clue, and neither do their parents if they are brought into the counseling sessions. This one is a very good article...I plan to use it often.
Thank you, and God bless you!
Mrs. M. Jeanne Ullenberg

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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