Monthly Archives: April 2015

Ruth 1:16 (HSCB) – But Ruth replied: Do not persuade me to leave you or go back and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.

Imagine this…I am standing outside the beautiful gates of heaven, the pearls that adorn it are bigger than the trunks of hundred year old oak tress and they shimmer in the Light that seems to come from nowhere, yet everywhere. As the gates swing open in a wide arc, I take my first step onto a street made of gold that is so brilliant in all it’s luster that I am paralyzed by the sight. The colors that surround me are not of earth, beautiful hues never before seen by human eyes. In my ear, I can clearly hear the prayers of the saints in every single earthly language…and the SINGING!!! It’s as if I am standing center stage at the largest opera house in the universe and there stand millions of singers, their voices lifted in harmonious perfection and praise to their Savior who sits high on the throne ahead of me. The angels are soaring overhead and around the throne of Light and their wings beat in unison to the music and create a breeze that blows against my face…the Mighty Wind of God…and touches me like a sweet kiss. I then hear my name that sounds like thundrous waves crashing into my heart.

The next thing I hear in my spirit that tears me from the perfection I have always sought is this:

Matthew 7:21-23 (NIV) – “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’”

What a miserable legacy to leave. What a terrible way to end my life. I may be a sinner, but I am forgiven because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me at Calvary. I am a blood bought precious daughter of a King, but I don’t need to walk around acting like my life is perfect and judging others for their imperfections, donning my crown and acting better than the rest. What would have happened if Naomi had placed judgement on Ruth for her messed up past, her pagan family, her ways of doing things? Ruth would not have met Boaz, and they would have not become the ancestors to Christ Himself. Food for thought…you may not understand a person, but to sit in judgment over them is now your demise, regardless of your deeds for the kingdom. That hurts me to know that I have some things I need to work on in my own life in this very area. I am so unworthy of the beautiful, constant, unchanging love that I receive, so why I am so hesitant to give it?

Ruth left everything; her home, her family, her gods; to follow Naomi and to follow the Lord. We all leave a lot in order to do the same. God offers grace in the middle of bad circumstances and we ALL find ourselves broken in this fallen world. So who am I to put unrealistic expectations on my brothers and sisters who are just trying to walk this thing out the best way they know how? I found compassion last night in the most unlikely of ways, in the middle of my own pain, knee deep in circumstances that I can’t control. I have been praying for more compassion, and last night I FELT the pain of another human soul that was longing to be different and I loved her through it. God was not impartial to Ruth, He even made her an ancestor to the King. He is not impartial to any of us if we are willing to approach the throne of Light and Grace with humility.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (MSG) – Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Who are you going to love on today? Don’t you want your crown in heaven that you can throw at the feet of our precious King?

Today is my son’s 13th birthday, his slow turn into adulthood. I will never, for as long as I live, forget the moments surrounding his birth…my dad curled in chair in an empty hospital room down the hall, my mom always by my side, my then husband pacing and walking and remaining calm, the hours upon HOURS of labor, the funny moment when I finally fell asleep and they tried to wake me up to push and I told them, “5 more minutes” (LOL). I remember the nurses running in, one after the other, and laughing then leaving the room because his head was crowning yet his rear end was still in my ribs (and I have a very LONG torso) so they knew he was going to be BIG! I remember when they told me that they had to measure him with a tape measure because he was so long and his long little feet had to be stamped twice because they wouldn’t fit on the stamp itself. I remember his first cry. I remember holding him in my arms and looking into his perfect face and watching his dad witness the miracle of life and seeing God all over that room. I remember as I held him in my arms and looked into those eyes and we determined his name. Kaleb Julian. Named for my Papaw (Julian) and myself (Julie Anne) and sharing the same initials as his dad. I knew he was destined for greatness and I knew he would be smart as a whip and charismatic and full of personality. My son.

2 Samuel 19:1-8 – Joab was told, “The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.” 2 And for the whole army the victory that day was turned into mourning, because on that day the troops heard it said, “The king is grieving for his son.” 3 The men stole into the city that day as men steal in who are ashamed when they flee from battle. 4 The king covered his face and cried aloud, “O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!” 5 Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, “Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines. 6 You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the commanders and their men mean nothing to you. I see that you would be pleased if Absalom were alive today and all of us were dead. 7 Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come upon you from your youth till now.” 8 So the king got up and took his seat in the gateway. When the men were told, “The king is sitting in the gateway,” they all came before him.

Today I grieve that I am missing his turn into adolescence. My choices led me to this place of emptiness and powerlessness but it’s not what is keeping me here. I am no longer reaping what I sowed. This is much bigger than that. I won’t have the opportunity to speak to him this year, the third year in a row I am missing his voice, not from lack of trying. I’m still in a holding pattern and God has me here for a reason. I read the scripture above and all these thoughts started going through my head. David was the king in the scripture above and even though everything went as planned and he won the battle against his enemy, he still lost his son. It’s a almost a precursor to how God felt about Jesus. He lost His Son too. I got on my face the other day and prayed a prayer over my children that I found in a Bible Study book that I have. I am going to include it at the bottom of this post so you can pray it over your own situation. Once I was done praying God quickly told me to get up, pull myself together, and stop crying. Recently on social media, I read, “I just heard the Holy Spirit say don’t pray about that ANY MORE! For the next 5 days THANK God for what it is you need! Thank Him for doing it! Prepare your mind to receive it!!! God is sending provision for every vision, healing to the sick, strength to the weak, love to the brokenhearted, encouragement to the discouraged! God is no longer just “GOING TO DO IT” but he’s doing it RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

Here’s the deal. David was so upset at the loss of his son, that he quickly forgot about all the amazing things that were going on around him. I may be grief stricken, but I am not alone. I have an army of angels surrounding me and I have Jesus Christ HIMSELF, the KING of KINGS, fighting on my behalf. I need to be reminded what Jesus, God’s ONLY SON who died on the cross for MY sins and defeated death and sits at the right hand of God the Father, can do. I need to be reminded that God knows how I feel and He wants me to have the desires of my heart.

I’m going to stand in the gateway and know that my army that is led by Jesus is right behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, and lifting me up and they are battling the unseen. The unseen is what I need to put all my faith in! Not one single day goes by when I don’t think about these beautiful creatures God saw fit He give to me out of my own body. The Lord alone knows my struggle and He knows how much I miss them.

Psalm 126:5 – Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

Thank you my Savior, for your daily provisions, for battling the unseen, for having my back, for following through on your promises, for dying a miserable death so I could live, for putting the right people in the right place at the right time for YOUR will to be done. Thank you in advance for the miracles that are going to take place in my life and for the moments I have yet to share with my beautiful sons. I praise You, even in this storm!

PRAYER FROM SHATTERING STRONGHOLDS

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind ____’s body, soul and spirit to the will and purposes of God for his life. I bind ____’s mind will and emotions to the will of God. I bind him to the truth and to an awareness of the blood of Jesus. I bind his mind to the mind of Christ, that the very thoughts, feelings, and purposes of Jesus’ heart would be within his thoughts. I bind ____’s feet to the path of righteousness so that his steps would be steady and sure. I bind him to the work of the Cross with all of its mercy, grace, love forgiveness, and dying to self. I loose every old, wrong, ungodly pattern of thinking, attitude, idea, desire, belief, motivation, and denial from ____. I tear down, crush, smash, and destroy every lie associated with these things. I loose all stronghold thinking in his life that has been justifying and protecting hard feelings against anyone. I loose unforgiveness, fear, and distrust from him. I loose the power and effects of wrong agreements from ____. I loose deceptions and lies from ____’s mind, and I loose the effects and influences and wrong patterns of thinking that led to any wicked or ungodly soul ties he has with other people. I loose the confusion and blindness of the enemy from ____’s mind that has kept him from seeing the light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I call forth every precious word of Scripture that has ever entered into his mind and ask that you would help him to remember them. I loose all generational-bondage thinking and grave clothes from him. I loose all effects and bondages from him that may have been caused by mistakes I have made. I crush, smash, and destroy generational bondages of any kind from mistakes made at any point between generations. I destroy them right here, right now. They will not bind and curse any more members of this family. Jesus has given me the Keys to do so. Thank you, Lord, for the TRUTH. AMEN.

I adore you! I see so much of myself in you, but the main thing I see is that you run full speed ahead and sprint your way from thought to thought, feeling to feeling, even hope to hope. I may not be a runner, but I do know the training that goes into a marathon is arduous, it’s HARD, it requires discipline and commitment. It also requires a “No Pain, No Gain” type of endurance that pushes people right out of their comfort zones into the last few miles of their race. This can also be said for life and the hardships we endure.

Hebrews 12:1-3 – Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Growing weary is a battle I see you struggle with everyday. Running full speed ahead on long journeys thinking that the finish line is just around the corner is absolutely exhausting. Attempting to prove yourself to others that you KNOW how to run is not why you are here. You have grown so much these past 3 months. You are not even the same. You are stepping into your leadership role with grace, but you are still running….HARD. You can’t run a race very well toting a backpack full of rocks, especially a marathon. My bag of rocks, the extra baggage, the weight of responsibility, the overwhelming desire to show everyone and myself that I could do this, my hidden sins, would slow me down and I would fall so hard under the weight of scrutiny, not even close to the goal and finish line that God had for me. Then the next pair of running shoes would be put on and I would run in the opposite direction toward the comfort of all I have really ever known….destruction. Your goal is to be Christ-like and to follow in the footsteps of THE PIONEER, Jesus, who blazed the road ahead of you so that you can run with ease. When the cycle comes around that you are so familiar with and your internal whistle goes off signifying a new race, don’t turn around and run in the opposite direction. Stop sprinting and pace yourself and you then can make it to the finish line that God has for you.

2 Timothy 4:7 – I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

In the story of the tortoise and the hare, the hare was so confident in his running abilities that he laid down and took a nap. Now is not the time to lay down. The tortoise won that race, because he moved slowly and allowed his boastful competitor to run himself out of steam.

The question you need to ask yourself everyday is this: Are you running, training, or on the sidelines watching? It’s time to take your leadership role and run this race with perseverance, not looking to the right or the left for your teammates, but fixing your eyes on Jesus. Marathons aren’t easy, and neither is life, but with a slow, steady pace, the turtle finished the race.

1 Corinthians 9:24 – Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Leviticus 26:11 (HCSB) – I will place My residence among you, and I will not reject you.

I struggle against the spirit of Rejection on a pretty regular basis and I’m sick of it. All the rest of the nasty spirits take a mini-vacation when Rejection comes onto the scene. They are small in comparison to this huge monster. Rejection attacks the very person that I am and the person that God is attempting to mold and shape. It destroys my self esteem and attacks my purpose. It causes me to wear masks and become someone I am not in order to feel accepted. When I am in DEEP feelings of rejection, I end up rejecting others so that I beat myself to the punch before someone else has the opportunity to hurt me. It’s the worst form of self-sabatoge. It’s that jacked up “Get Them Before They Get Me” mentality.

Some other things rooted in Rejection? Stubbornness (who, ME?), worthlessness, fear of confrontation, the need to be “right”, jealousy, abandonment, blame…and it all comes from PRIDE.

P – Paranoia

R – Rebellion and Rejection

I – Insecurity

D – “Co” Dependency

E – Envy

I witnessed something recently that rocked me to my core. With new eyes given to me, I was able to soar high above the situation and look at MYSELF in another person from 30,000 feet. What I saw through the clouds threw me for a loop. Not so long ago, my own attempt at self-inflicted pain and death because of the overwhelming spirit of Rejection and Abandonment didn’t work. When I woke up in a hospital, I still felt like the world owed me something, that everyone else was to blame. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live when I almost lost my life to prove a point to people who really didn’t matter, to make others around me pay for my own messed up behaviors and way of thinking.

In seeing first hand a similar situation lately, I saw myself and godly sorrow flooded my soul. It finally hit me, after many long years, the wrongs that I bestowed on others, the short changing they had to endure only because they loved me, they terrible pain inflicted on them because I couldn’t get it together. My heart then broke for the ones who stood by me through it all and through their own loss of understanding, for the ones who left because they couldn’t handle me and they were only trying to protect themselves, for the ones whose hearts I shattered. In that moment of reflection, in the middle of a dire situation, being on the other side of THAT pain, I hurt as I looked through time and space at myself, at who I once was.

There is GOOD NEWS…

There IS a way to combat those feelings of rejection before it spirals out of control and threatens everything I have worked so hard for. I’m talking to myself here:

Proverbs 23:7 (NKJV) – For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

It starts in my own heart, my own mind, my own actions that broadcast for me the very thing I am trying so desperately to hide.

John 1:11 (NLT) – He came to his own people, and even they rejected him.

What?!?!?! Christ, Jesus Christ, the Savior of the WORLD, was rejected by his own? Why? So that He could understand my very REAL and PAINFUL struggle against this very thing.

Hebrews 4:15-16 (NIV) – For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I must repent before the throne of God and stop placing blame. I have to be willing to surrender all bitterness and hatred, even if it IS justified. Forgiveness MUST be explicit and specific and negative thoughts MUST be taken captive if I am to walk in true freedom from this monstrosity. First I have to see that I AM THE PROBLEM when Rejection takes hold. Sometimes I allow these things into my spirit so that I CAN feel the pain, just to know that I am still alive. It may sound ridiculous to some people, but try being me for just a minute, try walking in my shoes for only a moment, and then you will know how comfortable pain really is. However, it’s NOT what I want for myself any longer, especially after being a first hand witness to the horrific consequences of our painful decisions.

Ephesians 4:22-24 (NIV) – You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Easier said than done, but hey…it’s outlined right there. The Truth is THE WORD OF GOD. I, and you, were hand picked by God and put on this earth to serve HIS purpose, not the purpose of failing humans. We don’t have time to waste wallowing around in self-doubt, self-pity, pride, and fear ANYMORE. If you are feeling rejected, as am I a bit some days, pray and seek His face and get into His Word. You are not alone…You are LOVED, and you are WORTHY. Stop going around the mountain. That portion of the show is OVER.

I am acutely aware of my heart beating inside my chest. I can put my hand there, close my eyes, and picture the chambers moving in perfect succession to one another, blood pumping from one chamber to the next and flowing freely through my veins, giving life as it passes through each article of my being. I am also acutely aware that the spiritual part of my heart that I cannot see is broken. It isn’t shattered beyond repair, but the bandaid I keep putting on it continues to get ripped off and there is a deep wound that can only be healed by one gentle touch from my Savior. Everything that I do, every decision that I make, every word that I speak, comes from the heart and when it is broken, then my actions are also broken. Hurting people hurt people. When am I going to really get that memo? The life blood that flows through me needs to be pure and the only way for that to be so is to allow the craziness to surface so that I can receive healing.

Numbers 13:31-33 (NIV) – But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” 32 And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. 33 We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.”

I face some pretty heavy giants in my life, but when I allow their size and stature to create fear, then I lose sight of what I know about God. I forget about trust, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, and compassion. I was a bit distracted the other week because I failed to see the promise right before my very eyes because I was still so focused on the journey ahead which included facing giants. You know, the past is already gone. When I force my will on God, I end up back in the wilderness, plain and simple. Fear and self-loathing then become my BFF’s again and I forget…

Rebellion begins with dissatisfaction, then complaining, bitterness, and resentment. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Being discontent with what I already have will cause me to lose it without gaining what I desire the most. My wasted efforts in trying to prove my heart to those who could care less about it and keeping up appearances would have been much better spent on finding God’s answers to my troubling situation. HELLO?!?!?!

Mark 5:25-34 (NIV) – And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.26 She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27 When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,28 because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”29 Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. 30 At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33 Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

My situation is not impossible. NOTHING is impossible. My heart beats for the promises of God, even when I can’t see the answers. Patience is a beautiful heart virtue that symbolizes trust and I’m patiently learning patience. Fear can no longer crush the life blood of Jesus that flows through my me, but I first have to face reality and allow healing to begin.

Exodus 3:12 – And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”

God said, “I will be with you”, but He did not say there would be a lack of problems. Problems can be defined differently for different people in different situations, but they are still problems in the eye of the person facing uncertainty. Here is what I know today: God is unchanging, He is stable, He is trustworthy, He is love, and He is goodness. What are the signs in my life today that are pointing me to the mountain when I still feel so stuck in the valley? Sometimes I have to cry out and just say, “SHOW ME WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT GOD!!! I can’t see!”

Hebrews 13:8 – Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I have a lot of circumstances today that look like problems, but God does not ask me to go where He has not provided the means to help;HOWEVER, I must be willing to let Him help me. Gosh, I try so hard to do things on my own that I end up spinning around in circles, dazed and confused, wondering why in the heck I am still stuck at the word, “Go”.

Big problems put me in a perfect position to watch God give big answers. Problems are only problems when I lose trust in my unchanging God, the same God who led millions out of slavery, the God who came in a burning bush, the God who led Israel to the Promised Land by way of 40 years of wandering, the God who came to earth in the form of a sinless, perfect man by the name of Jesus Christ, the God who died and took on my sin before I even came to earth and the God who rose to live again. He is the same God who moves mountains and formed the sea and made the light. That alone makes my problems seem so small, like tiny ants on a huge anthill, but He knows me and He loves me and who am I to question what God can do?

Genesis 18:14a (NIV) – Is anything to hard for the Lord?

What mountains are you allowing to speak to you? What valley are you in? What BIG problems are you unwilling to surrender? The valley is beautiful if you choose to see past the problems and look at the promise. Trust me, I am preaching to the choir today. I am asking myself these very same questions, but God…He is unchanging, He already knows, and He is waiting to help in any and all circumstances.

Jeremiah 32:17 (NIV) – “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.”

Some things I have no control over. I lost everything when I relapsed; my house, my car, my marriage, several “friends”, a great job, and my soul. I am so grateful for the team of people that surrounded me as soon as I swallowed my pride and made it back across the threshold of Jacob’s Well Ministries. They not only surrounded me, but they also surrounded my circumstances, and they did for me what I could not do for myself.

You know, some days can be spent doing nothing but worrying about the details of my life, but that would cause me to neglect the specific areas in my life that are under my control such as my attitude and my responsibilities. I need to concentrate on what God would have me do and leave the rest to Him. In my transparency, I can tell you that turning it all over and relinquishing control is the hardest thing I have ever done, especially for someone like myself that doesn’t like gray and lives in black or white.

Pastor Tilghman told me once that God is the God of what I have, of what I lost, and of what I have left. That’s HUGE. Big revelation there. He’s GOT THIS!!! God knows all; even when my faith is small, He will make a way.

Ezekial 37:4-7 (NIV) – Then He said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!’ 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.” 7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.

Ezekial had little faith the the dry bones would come to life, but he prophesied anyway. I love how specific he was in his request of these bones. God wants specifics. We have not because we ask not. Some things that are out of our control seem too big for the Awesome Creator of the ENTIRE universe. How insane is that? It’s time to start speaking life into the dry bones, into every single situation that seems hopeless and completely out of control. It’s time to get real precise with God and tell Him exactly what our hearts desires are. He already knows the thoughts that race out of control in my head, so why do I attempt to keep it all a secret? He is the God of ALL and His love for me is never ending.

Psalm 104:29-30 (NIV) – When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. 30 When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground.

This is a journal entry from June 24, 2014, three days after walking across the threshold of Jacob’s Well Ministries for the second time. I am sharing it for those who are struggling against themselves this very day. I am sharing it because there are some days I still wake up and wonder how this all happened. I am sharing my heart and my own personal struggle so that someone else can be set free:

6/24/14 – I woke up this morning feeling oppressed and weak, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am fearful of the future, I am scared of my own shadow, and I am completely and utterly lost. I am not supposed to be here. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know what to do. How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? I have unending feelings of guilt and shame and I am plagued by nightmares of all the things I left behind to come back here. So many disappointments taunt me. I had the thought this morning that I couldn’t do this again, another 6 months. Worry and anxiety flood my soul like a long, deep crevice of darkness that has not light. It is inching its way into every fiber of my being.

2 Chronicles 15:7 – But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

Any person is subject to blame, including myself, if I cannot reconcile myelf to the fact that there is so much sin in my life. I am not innocent, but I am forgiven. That is what I need to remember as I trudge through the days ahead. There is a Light at the end of this dark tunnel I have found myself in.

Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

There were once 639 laws which governed the entire nation of Israel. God broke them down and made them into 10 simple commandments, all of which have been broken by me, at least in my heart. I know I am not perfect, but this is just too much. Jesus simplified it even more when He gave me His 2 commandments, but I still hurt. “Lord, show me the way to go. Help me to get past this fear of failure, this pain in my heart, this shame.”

Matthew 22:36-39 – “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus replied, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. 29 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

That’s it. If I follow these two simple commandments, all else will melt away. Perfect love drives out fear. The Lord led me to read a verse tonight as I am getting ready for bed. I, too, am a burning stick…snatched from the fire.

Zecharaiah 3:2 – The Lord said to Satan, “The Lord rebuke you, Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?”

I remember hovering over my mom one day not so long ago, questioning her faith. It didn’t make any sense to me. She was so very patient and loving in trying to convince me to believe in the things unseen. I couldn’t do it. I have a very scientific mind and I could not wrap my head around believing that God was going to save me and bring me blessings when I was so stuck in my own selfishness. I used my intellect as yet another excuse to stay sick. THAT doesn’t make sense. God wants my trust and faith, even while I ponder and wonder about the mystery that surrounds me! I can use my mind to think things through, but I need to leave room for the amazing, unexplainable works of my Creator!

Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Faith is now the guide for my day. God will continue to establish the evidence and His new and fresh surprises will surely be MINE!! I cannot serve God while working in my own plan. Time to strip off my own agenda and have FAITH that He will come through on His promises in HIS time!!

Hebrews 11:6 – And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Believing that God exists is the easy part. It’s putting it ALL in His hands that I struggle with, even still today. God will not settle for mere acknowledgment of His existence. He wants ALL of me. He wants my faith.

James 2:19-20 – Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that – and shudder.

Good deeds can’t get me into heaven all by themselves. I LOVE to do good for others, but deeds alone, without faith, are pointless. The demons believe in God and do not obey Him. TRUE faith results in my changed life AND my good deeds; faith without deeds is dead.

John 10:10 – The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

God will never lead me to destruction, so why am I putting so much faith in worldly things and trying to do things my way? That only separates me from God and my desires and blessings take much longer to get to me. Faith is BELIEVING that my dreams will come true. And they will come true not by my own doing, but by God working through me to accomplish His will, His purpose, His way, in His timing! Thank you, mom, for your patience. Some things I have to learn through the Holy Spirit! I am so grateful I hear the loving voice of my Jesus today!

I have always had a problem with authority. I looked down on those in authority over me and I always thought I was smarter than them, that I knew best. I had this problem at work, at home, at church, at the drive-in, at restaurants…everywhere I went. And look where it got me…Alone. I had to deal with A LOT when it came to my authority issues at Jacob’s Well. It was a painful lesson to learn. Even though I knew it was what needed to be done in order to have peace in my life, it was a battle for me nearly every day. I am so grateful to be able to look at my leaders today with respect. I want to honor them, to do what is right, to listen to them. They might have a very good lesson for me and I will miss the blessing if I’m not listening and always putting in my two cents.

Romans 13:1-5 – Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. 4 For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.

This gives me motivation to pray for my leaders. Then at that time, I become a willing person interceding on their behalf. It causes me to then look at them in a completely different light. To see them as a vessel that the Lord put in my life to teach me how to be a better leader myself! It also helps me better submit to the authority of the Lord, and that is the most important thing for me to do in ANY situation!

Hebrews 13:17 – Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.

Obedience and submission, stubbornness and rebellion were the hardest lessons for me to learn. It was always may way or not at all. I went around that circle time and time and time again. The Lord kept bringing the test back and He would sit back and wait for me to give my thoughts to Him so that He could have His way. I love how Susan and Asa always said that when we are being given the lessons, the Teacher is always there. When it is time for the test, it’s like crickets…I hear chirping and nothing else. I had to learn this lesson then put it into practice every single day. Sometimes I got an A, most days I failed miserably. But it’s not how I fall, it’s how I get back up!! Some days I would knock myself down and have to pull myself up off the floor and try all over again. It’s just part of life. God DEMANDS that I give up my own way and be pliable in HIS hands! IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME! Webster defines stubborn as difficult to handle, manage, or treat; unreasonably or perversely unyielding. It defines rebellious as refusing to obey rules or authority or to accept normal standards of behavior, dress, etc.; having or showing a tendency to rebel; resisting treatment or management. Both of those described me!! I put that in past tense because it’s not who I am anymore thanks to the patient people at Jacob’s Well showing me the scriptures to help deal with my persistent disobedience.

I used to think I was just strong-minded but that is not the case at all. As long as I am rebelling, I am going against all that God has planned for me. If my heart isn’t in it, then I am just being hollow and empty. Without true obedience there is no proper respect for the people around me and in turn for the Lord.

Romans 5:19 – For just a through the disobedience of the one mane the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

My decisions and my rebellion and my bad attitude affects EVERYONE around me. Jesus was obedient, and now I can trade my sin for His righteousness and stop being such a nuisance to those in authority over me. Joyce Meyer says, “Obedience closes the gates of hell and opens the windows of heaven.” AMEN!

Isaiah 55:8-9 – “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, 9 as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Who am I to think that I have it so much together that I can put down and rebel against every thing that comes my way when the Lord is at work it me? His ways and His thoughts should be my ways and my thoughts. I am nothing without Him anyway.

2 Corinthians 10:5-6 – We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 6 And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience once your obedience is complete.

And there is the answer. I fight against my own mind and my own thoughts, when ALL I must do is turn my thoughts over to Jesus and become obedient to His word. It’s a struggle for someone who has been rebelling for over 20 years. There is no point in rebellion. NONE. It gets me nowhere. I wish I could say I had this down pat, but it’s still a battle for me from time to time. I thank God every day for sending people my way who help me walk away from the plank and back onto to the majestic ship of the Lord!

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There was a time I didn't even know what to believe in other than the lies the enemy told me. I idolized all the wrong things and ended up making excuse after excuse in order to continue to check out of my self-inflicted, painful life that was created out of my own victimization, guilt, shame, remorse, and FEAR.
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
I suffered from several selfish behaviors that had me bound for over 20 years. I suffered in silence and harmed everyone who loved and cared for me. Life as I knew it was a living hell. I was playing roles every moment of every day. I can say I tried, but to me trying means being inactive and complaining about it. I did a lot of that. I was always searching for truth in all the wrong places. And then it happened. He found me!! Jesus picked me up out of my brokenness and the only Being in the universe that has the power to save and the power to transform entered my life. His sacrifice for me allows me to wake up every morning and do everything I can to get it right, to continue to press on even when things are tough, to see the potential in every single thing I touch.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)
Today, I sit in victory over satan because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me on the cross. He died in my place so I could be set free!
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)
The battle is still raging around me, but I am safe in the storm. I came into the world free and intend to leave the same way. The Lord is using my test as a Testimony to His saving grace and I want to give a voice to those suffering in silence. He is bringing it all back around for His glory! I am Coming Full Circle and this is my journey.