Lily Allen is back on the scene and more irritating than ever. When we last saw her, she was "lampooning Hollywood standards of beauty" by thoughtlessly regurgitatingMiley Cyrus' gross and racist imagery. Now she is decrying how mean women are to each other... by being mean to other women.

In an interview with ShortList, she trots out everyone's favorite "I'm not an archetypal woman. All my friends are boys." shit; from there, she goes on to claim that women are the worst enemy of other women:

But I don't think men are the enemy, I think women are the enemy. I
know that when I'm sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman
walks in, who's skinny, I instinctively think, "Oh she's really skinny
and beautiful and I'm really fat and ugly." Every man I speak to always
says they find that kind of woman gross, and they prefer a bit more meat
on their ladies. So it's more of a competitive thing. It's weird. It's
just really unhealthy and we're our own worst enemy. We should stop
being so horrible to each other.

"Ugh, women are so mean to each other. I'm jealous of other women. But it's ok, men say they're disgusting and I'm better. God, we should stop being mean to each other!" Yes, Lily Allen, that's how that works. She went on to talk about feminism:

Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn't even be a thing any
more. We're all equal, everyone is equal so why is there even a
conversation about feminism? What's the man version of feminism? There
isn't even a word for it. There's no reason for it. Menanism. Male-ism.
It doesn't exist.

In much less infuriating news, Jennifer Aniston feeds her dogs very expensive anti-aging water. Most celebrities are into it because it is some kind of weird scientific youth-fountain that battles the cruel hands of time, but not Jen: "the twist is that Jen doesn't drink it herself. She gives this boutique
water, which runs about two dollars a bottle, to their dogs because she and Justin don't want them to age as quickly as Jen's dog Norman, who died a few years ago." This is the best celebrity gossip I've heard in my entire life. [Radar]

Universally loathed Bachelor Juan Pablo is up to his old tricks: he retweeted a weird little meme-joke that uses the word "retard." When his followers pointed out that that's very offensive, he tweeted: "In Venezuela the R word is USED commonly and by NO means is to OFFEND anyone... #Relax #DifferentCulture #Respect" and then "Some people need to TRAVEL and get around the WORLD... The US is a GREAT country but there is a LOT out there... #openyourmind #learnculture." Yep, we are the ones who need to learn Respect. That sounds about right. [Gossip Cop]

Jamie Dornan says he has "no idea" if Fifty Shades of Grey will change his life. Yes, Jamie, it will. You are playing America's favorite sex monster. [E!]

Jessica Alba and her brothers look like extras on the set of an extremely cool futuristic movie and I am v. into it. [E!]

Miley Cyrus got a dildo, which she will presumably dance around with on stage. It kind of looks like Voldemort's hand. [Gossip Cop]

President Fitz from Scandal has been cast as a polygamist in a Lifetime movie. You wish, Fitz. [EW]