"Hope is my catalyst."

Life has made me think that taking away things actually makes me have more control.

I am someone who has a tendency to cling to things. And by cling, I refer to just sticking to something stubbornly until the bitter end. This was something very apparent with me as a child. Certain things were hard for me to let go.

For instance, I had a particular blanket I loved to death since I was a kid. I couldn’t sleep without it. I got upset and even cried when my brothers messed with it. I had that blanket so long that it started to develop holes in it over time, to the point where there was a hole at least a foot wide.

I didn’t care. It was my special blanket. The blanket had a lot of wear and tear during my childhood, eventually reaching a point where my mother did not even want to bother repairing it for me any further. No matter what, I had developed an attachment toward it. I can admit now that I had that particular blanket even when my age hit double-digits.

Of course, it was not a tidbit I would openly share with anybody. No way was I going to do that. I was socially awkward enough, extremely introverted, I already had plenty of unique/peculiar quirks to my name depending on how you looked at it and I was not going to tell anyone I still had a security blanket.

Nonetheless, there came a point where I naturally stopped caring about the blanket. It was nothing emotional or anything like that. I just stopped caring. Plain and simple. In fact, I still recall my dad just using the particular blanket as something to wipe the car engines with, and I did not shed a tear or anything.

It was a sign I had grown up, at least in regards to something as childish as a material thing that kept me warm at night when I slept.

I don’t want to make this blog post entirely about a blanky… I do have a point here I am trying to establish.

Basically, I need to learn how to cut ties, as in sever any and all emotional feeling, toward things that aren’t beneficial for me in some way. Especially if it’s part of “figuring myself out,” I have to be willing to say sayonara to things that simply act as obstacles within the journey.

I have to be capable of saying, “I don’t give a damn about this anymore!” And then I advance forward, not looking back. I need to stop having second thoughts about crap that has delayed my growth. I must be able and willing to bypass the bullshit while staying focused on what’s ahead of me.

Anything else just hinders and delays the process even longer.

So yeah, I need to seek addition by subtracting all of the negatives in my life at this very moment. One-by-one.

If something doesn’t produce a positive byproduct for me to utilize, then it has to go.

If something just hurts me in some fashion, I have to bid it adieu.

It’s not easy as it sounds, especially for someone like me. Again, I have a bad tendency to cling. And I’ll cling like no other!

As another example, I remember when this personal journey started years ago. When the really adverse effects of my depression worsened, all I really had left to my name was some friends leftover from my college days.

But the thing was… they were all respectively on their own beginnings toward various things. Some would eventually find success, and some would stumble along the way like myself. Regardless, it has become clear to me now that they did not really “abandon” me like I once thought.

They had to cut ties with me. I was a hindrance by all means. I was too clingy. I was a distraction when they needed to make me a minus in their lives, for their own sake.

I was genuinely upset about it back then. I thought I lost a lot of friends for stupid reasons. In reality, people come and go throughout your life. It’s not like you can stay friends/something more with everyone you happen to come across.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I finally have been able to stomach the pain of losing those friends/acquaintances.

They have moved on, as I should have been by now.

But I clung to thoughts that maybe some of those friendships could come back to me. Perhaps some old bridges would be rebuilt again, or so I thought.

I have been entirely foolish about it.

If I end up never interacting with those people again, for better or worse, I just need to accept it as part of life.

They probably don’t care about what has happened to me, let alone remember me. Likewise, I should most likely do the same toward them. Not in a bitter way or anything like that. Let’s say it’s more out of mutual understanding.

You add things you need, you take away things you don’t need and then what ends up as the remainder afterward is what you have to work with until you alter the equation. It’s life’s constantly changing formula you have to take into account.

I do strongly believe that less is more in my current situation in life. If I have less things as a whole to manage in front of me, theoretically it should be easier for me to cope with life’s various challenges. At least, this is my logic.

I have finally concluded that I have kept certain “problem” things around in an unhealthy manner. I need to escape them. I need to discard them like they are worthless to me, and in a sense they are.

I can’t keep holding onto everything that happens to meet me along the way. What truly matters to me is finishing this process. This process has been difficult enough.

I must remember… Any extra thing I have to my name that isn’t an asset is dead weight.