Monday, October 1, 2012

dallas in pictures

and words. because i can't ever shut up.

when JJ couldn't go to Hawaii last winter because of work, we had a flight credit. a flight credit which we used to book a trip to Arizona for a Babymoon. only my doctor forbade me to go since it was like, 3 weeks before JF's due date. so when i called to reschedule, the mean American Airlines lady gave me restrictions. we could only go to 3 places...one of which was Dallas. DALLAS YOU GUYS. i'd never been to Dallas. and neither had JJ. i wanted one thing: a real, gen-you-wine cowboy hat. JJ wanted one thing: authentic BBQ food. so off to Dallas we flew. we got there late Friday night, checked into the hotel and set out to find some grub. found a Mexican restaurant, ordered our food, and Gemma promptly started screaming. it was time for her to eat, so i tried to feed her. no dice. so we changed our order to-go. while we waited for our food, we took turns walking her around outside. scream scream scream. poor little peanut had a tummy ache. and her poor parents had the embarrassment sweats. you know what i mean? like you know people are staring at you so you start to get embarrassed and hot and really very sweaty? after patting her back for about 15 minutes, she finally vomited up Lake Michigan onto a fancy patio chair outside.

we went back to the hotel, ate and went to bed.

the next morning we woke up to a torrential downpour. so we sat around for an hour or so to see if it would let up.

and we read Olivia. because Olivia is the best.

then when we decided that it was indeed not going to stop raining, we ventured outside. we walked a few blocks to eat a grand breakfast of bagels and fruit. then we walked a few blocks to the JFK memorial. it was cool. really interesting and so sad. and right under this middle sign is where he was so horrifically shot:

and Gemma had a nice poo in the memorial, but there weren't changing tables in the bathroom so we had to change her diaper on a bench and it smelled really bad. then we decided to head back to the hotel for some lunch. only it was raining even harder than before. (i mean c'mon. we live in Seattle and we didn't pack rain gear?? idiots). and this is what we looked like when we got back to the hotel. i'm thinkin' of changing my FB profile pic to this. you know, since i look SO GOOD:

we were drenched. and our clothes were all wet and baggy and stretched out. and my bangs were sloppy and sticking to my forehead, so i had to pin them back all nerdy-like. but the good news was that Gemma slept through the entire thing. but JJ panicked because he thought she was going to get hypothermia and i was like no she's not. and he was like YES SHE IS L and i was like NO SHE ISN'T SHE JUST NEEDS A WARM BATH AND A COZY OUTFIT.

so we did just that. and JJ and i changed too. and i didn't even care so i put on a nursing tank top and a hoodie. and we had a snack and set out again. only this time we decided to take a taxi. JJ said to me "this guy at work said to go to Deep Ellum and that it's really cool." so an awful and cranky cab driver dropped us off on the corner of DEATH and CRACK. where we got out, stood in the rain for 5 seconds and immediately called another cab that took us to the aquarium/zoo:

isn't this such a grainy pixelated pic? but look! LOOK AT GEMCAKE'S PISSED OFF FACE. at the aquarium/zoo, the lady said "we close in 50 minutes so you have to hurry. but i'll give you $5 off the ticket price." so we sped through. and the jaguar was put away for the night.

but the SHARKS WERE OUT! and omg WHO is that baby i'm holding?? literally looks nothing like Gemsicle. who, by the way, had the time of her life at the aquarium/zoo as evidenced here:

but don't worry, she woke up in time to SEE A REAL SLOTH JUST HANGIN' AROUND AND NIBBLING ON EUCALYPTUS OR SOME SHIT. and we got to be reallll close to him and it was cool:

and then JJ almost shrieked because he saw a tarantula. then we saw turtles having sex. then we saw a dead bird in the turtle cage and so we reported it to the aquarium/zoo official who had an impressive ponytail for a man. then we saw flamingos!

and Gemma fell asleep again. and JJ said, "L. they have legs like your legs."

and then i found this hat in the gift shop and it was so hilariously hard to maneuver, but i just had to have a picture of me as a flamingo. and please look at the baby's arm just slung over the side of her little K'tan nest.

after the zoo/aquarium we were all hangry (read: hungry + angry) so we walked under awnings to stay partially dry until we found a BBQ place to eat. and i fed the baby while we waited for our table. and there was an appetizer of a thinly sliced potato deep fried into chips with ranch dressing. so healthy, right? so obviously i ordered it. then Gem started crying because she always cries right when we want to eat. so i walked around the BBQ joint patting her bum until she calmed down enough for us to shove the food in our mouths and leave. and wouldn't you know what was right next door? A COWBOY HAT STORE. so obviously...

i got mah hat. a real, gen-you-wine Texan cowboy hat (that was made in Mexico and was grossly overpriced at $48). and the truth is, i love that hat. and i was only a little bit embarrassed carrying it around the airport the next day like a tourist. and when we were leaving the hat store, there He stood. The (cardboard) John Wayne.

and JJ decided he wanted to pose as a gangster next to him. here is a fun fact that might make you laugh: JJ calls...er...male sex organs "John Wayners." which made this picture even more hilarious. poor JW. he didn't even know that his name was used for bathroom talk. and then we had HAD it. we wanted to go get warm and dry again in the hotel. so we schlepped through the rain one last time. and snuggled and watched a movie and went to bed. then the next morning it was NICE AND RAINY AGAIN OMG.

so we lounged in bed in the morning and OMG Gemma can practically sit up all by herself now. she's so big and adventurous. she doesn't like to lay anymore. sitting or standing is all she'll allow. we got up and went to brunch at the hotel and ordered eggs bene and just as i was about to cut into the perfectly poached egg so that the yolk would get soaked in the breakfast potatoes, it happened again. she cried. and cried. so i held Gemma while JJ threw his food in. then JJ held Gemma while i threw my food in. then we went back to the room to pack up and get ready to leave. then i needed a glass of wine really really bad. so i fed Gemma and then i had one. and it was delicious and Gemster was happy and hanging around with JJ while I enjoyed my adult beverage.

JJ and his mini-me. aren't they just the best? and this picture below is my new favorite picture. my Gemstone is such a long and skinny thing. and you can see her little tiny belly here which is just begging to be zworbited. (oh, you don't know what a zworbit is? it's when you make a fart noise with your lips on your baby's belly).

and then since it was vacation, i wanted to eat that deliciously deep fried potato chips with ranch dressing thing again. only everything is closed in the mornings on Sundays in Dallas. except candy stores. so we got enough sour belts to make your teeth fall out (i have no control in "pick your own servings" candy stores) then finally the delicious bad-for-you chip place opened. so we went. and we ate them and then we felt sick and dumb. and guess what it FINALLY STOPPED RAINING. so we walked a dry walk back to the hotel and grabbed our suitcases and waited for the shuttle to the airport.

and that is the story of our trip to Dallas.

oh and when we got home and to our car to leave the place where we park, the machine ate our ticket so we had to press the button for assistance and we were charged 10 extra dollars and some nice young gentleman yelled "F#%& YOU" to JJ when we angrily questioned why we were being charged 10 extra dollars. and i called his manager today to report him because i'm a narc like that.

I live just north of Dallas!! and Deep Ellum used to be the "it" part of Dallas but now unless you want to get shanked you should steer clear!! And you just happened to come one of the very few weekends it rains here this part of the year is normally still pretty hot and very rarely rains!!

hahahaha omgshh. First of all, I live in Seattle and we need to be friends. Seriously. Second, I read McKay parts of this and we were both cracking up. And I totally know what the embarrassment sweats are when your baby is screaming.