Vladnroses: but once y'all are gone, all i will be doing will beVladnroses: 1) school, 2)outback 3) gym 4)tv/computerVladnroses: so I figure by christmas break, i will have plenty of money for a carVladnroses: i have 5K right nowVladnroses: well, 5400Vladnroses: then, after i buy a carVladnroses: I'm set for a whileVladnroses: and I can run off whenever I wantVladnroses: live out of my car for a few daysVladnroses: shack up somewhereVladnroses: thatd be niceBarB: damnBarB: i would be scaredVladnroses: y?Vladnroses: itd be nice to grow a beardVladnroses: I'd look like jesusBarBBayB: i dunno, the isolated indepenceVladnroses: good for the soulVladnroses: atleast for meVladnroses: ESPECIALLY WITHOUT A COMPUTERVladnroses: omgVladnroses: thatd be magnificentVladnroses: no ties anywhereVladnroses: maybe a cell phone i turn on to call home and tell'em i'm okVladnroses: yeah, maybe next summerVladnroses: i'll road trip somewhereVladnroses: tour the us hitting the 3 day/weeklong ravesVladnroses: well, i can always dreamBarB: it could happenBarB: damn, u could always dorm hopVladnroses: whaddya mean?Vladnroses: i dont know anyone who goes to school far awayVladnroses: what, start in niagara and end up in ohio?BarB: seriously?BarB: i'm sure u could find someone u know in the statesBarB: god i wish i knew what was in it for meVladnroses: what do you mean?Vladnroses: whats in what for you?BarB: i'll probably end up at a desk jobVladnroses: I wouldnt mind a desk job, its security, ya know?BarB: yeahVladnroses: and you'll always have the weekendsBarB: hehBarB: and office partiesVladnroses: "everybodys workin for the weeeekend!"BarB: and happy hour...Vladnroses: yeaVladnroses: yeaVladnroses: maybe i'll move to the south of france and teach a few of them, that not all americans suck, and maybe theyll show me not all frenchies are jerksVladnroses: I could invite david eggers and chuck palanuiks(sp?) and we could be the second version of the american expatriatesVladnroses: i could pull an f scott fitzgerald Vladnroses: come out with one great work, and die in obscurityVladnroses: or maybe i'll get some sort of inspiration and write a serious workVladnroses: sorry, I'll continue my ramblings in my journal, lets see where this goes...

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

This is the part where the normal person has a panic attack. This is also the part where I feel the best. Thinking about actually running off on my own, its like a rush of endorphins. Nothing feels better.

Right now I'm living at home with my parents. But I pay for school. And I fucked up in school, so now I can only takie 2 classes next semester. Which means I dont qualify for my dads health insurance. I'm either gonna pick up some shifts at outback to average 25 hours a week, so I can hop onto that insurance, or just fuck it and take care of myself. For those of you who lost the memo, I'm diabetic. And not very good at it. But I'm ok, which I figure can last me a few more years while I take control.

Fast Foward 10 years, and I am either extremely happy, or dead. For some reason, either one of those would be fine with me. Or anywhere in the middle. I dont know why, but I am not an unhappy person. I think I could continue living with my parents and working at outback, and be happy, atleast for a while (like, 5 years). I could also hop on a train to LA tomorrow, use my 5K to find and apartment and an agent and live happily there too.Unhappy is just not my way. I think thats why people just dont seem to understand me. And I always seem to be trying to cheer them up. I think when I was developing, my sister hit me upside the head one too many times, and I lost sadness. Quite the odd man out I am. I think my sadness actually went to someone else. I see it sometimes in Dave. That bothers me.

Also, you may have noticed I said I wouldn't mind being dead. I actually would. But I am not afraid of death. Death is the greatest unknown there is, and since I consider myself a psuedo-intellectual, I would like to find out, eventually. The later the better however.

Banana Hands (aka Tony Robbins, its a Shallow Hal reference) says you should make a list of your goals. Mine has only one. "Be Happy." For 19 years of my life I have been content. With a lack of sadness, comes a lack of happiness aswell. I have experienced joy. Happiness will come. I hope.

I did not hit you upside your head...not many times atleast.....AND, you should know that you're in total control of your happiness. You can create it---nurture it-----and foster it----until you look at life with awe---and cherish every joyfull moment you experience.