stumbled upon these again today while looking for more songs to load into my phone. heehee.

'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath awayAnd I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today

'Cause I love you whether it's wrong or rightAnd though I can't be with you tonightYou know my heart is by your side

i just started listening to my hillsongs collection again and the songs are all so wonderfully nice. happy sigh. here's hillsongs' eternity. 03:18 onwards tells you why i love it so much. makes one yearn so much for that other world. especially right now in such the self-induced-stressful life i seem to be leading. (am i glad i'm not working or have kids or what; i think i might have a nervous breakdown! through it all is another fantastic song.

I'll sing to You Lord a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me I'm carried in everlasting arms You'll never let me go through it all.

we had a semi-"theological" debate in class today. all for the quest of logical consistency. but life's like that--life's simply inconsistent, unpredictable; life's messy, life's just like that. i've always thought, since i first got to know this prof in year one, that every time he discusses religion, it seems like he's mocking all who believe in a highest being. so it was really quite comforting when he said today that he's spent the last twenty years struggling with his own beliefs and rationality/logic.

i think i probably shocked one of my classmates by telling her at the end of class that i felt totally stressed out by everything. she looked positively horrified. so much so that when she pressed further, i decided to spare her my own agony by saying, "just everything that's happening, everything we have to do lah." to which, i think that look of shock on her face might have intensified a degree or two. oops.

so many things crowd my mind, and worry me, all because i find it so hard to unsubscribe from eine weltanschaung i'm imprisoned within, which i know must be flawed. sustained success in my current endeavours will only egg me on and keep me bound within this worldview. failure will only depress me. i'm just stuck.

it doesn't help that the way we were offered two definitions of ideology today, it made ideological analysis in terms of cda sound totally crappy and bad and judgemental and self-righteous. when it seems to contradict what all the cda-y type teachers advocate all the time about self-reflexivity. now it makes "ideology" seem like a bad word. therefore "worldview" shall have to replace it in my vocab until i come to a resolution, or decide to dump the view of one side anyhow.

the haze is killing me--my nose is sore and peeling and my throat is immensely ulcerated. :( the very real thing about writing journal entries is that it tracks my jumbled train of thought. there is only a thin thread linking how this entry first started off to the way it's ending now. strange, isn't it? but i think that's what makes it authentic, which ought to be good.