Friday, February 24, 2006

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

We received a notice in the mail from the sheriff himself that a sexual offender/predator resides within 1,000 feet of our house. Yippee. I think this is great that they perform this service. The notice even had his photo and general statistics. I’m glad that I don’t have any kids presently, but my street and neighborhood are stupid with kids. It’s like an obstacle course to get to my driveway every day.

I thought that I lived in a safe development. There is even a police officer who brings home his car each night and parks it on the street. Last weekend while he was at work, a neighbor’s car was broken into and her CD player was stolen.

Then there is the issue that someone “planted” fake poinsettias all around the development before Christmas in an attempt to decorate. It’s February 24, and the faded things are still everywhere I look. It’s a little embarrassing to invite people over now.

Sex offenders, snakes, thieves, plastic flowers. I hope it doesn’t take famine, floods, and locusts to get us out of here. I want to move back downtown. If my car’s going to get broken into anyway, it may as well be while I’m eating in a nice restaurant or soaking up some culture and diversity.

12 Comments:

There are two things you have no control over in life (1) your family and (2) your neighbors. Move to a neighborhood with strict covenants that should take care of the trashy neighbors - put an "aooyga" horn on that sporty Saturn of yours. That will move the kids' asses!!!

Well the kids thing- just become the crabby old lady that yells at them all the time and they'll run like hell whenever they see you - growing up on Pleasant Lane (yes- really my childhood street -lol) it was Delores. The sex offender? I have no clue- I think I'D end up in jail if I ever had one move into my neighborhood because I would beat the living shit out of him just on principle. You could always move to Chicago ;)! I still want to see your kareoke act!

Thanks for the show of support. The funny thing is that Joe was the president of the homeowner's assoc. until a year ago. That's when everything went to hell. There are actually strict covenants and restrictions, so strict that the assoc. can cite you or even forclose on your house for certain things, but no one will enforce the rules anymore. This is my first time living in any type of development, and it's just not for me.

I cannot stand subdivision living. All of the rules and kids and rules and rules.

We recently purchased a house about 1.5 miles from downtown. Sure I have to deal with the occasional homeless person raking my yard and expecting cash, but we can ride our bikes or walk to cute restaurants, parks by the river, independent film theatres... And given my central location, it takes me 20 minutes to get ANYwhere in the city. I can't complain about my 15 minute commute.

One thing I am not happy about is the trade off of an older house with no dishwasher! I'm still trying to rearrange my little kitchen to fit one of those bad boys in. ;o)

Oh honey...neighbors. Let me tell you about ours. We have names for them partially because we don't know many real names and besides, this way we always know who the other is referring to.

We have "PC" - simply because they are churchy pentecostal people and on recycle day they put out this homemade wagon/cart thing that my husband has started using as his barometer for when it is recycle day - "honey, the PC (penecostal cart) is out".

Then we have "toy boy" - simply because they have everything in their drive - boat, jet skis, SUVs, 4-wheelers, cycle, etc.

Then there is "fat fu**ers" - kind of obvious.

Next door we have "bumper" - my husband named her because he believes she is gay (only a man).

Behind us we have "vern" - his name isn't vern but he looks just like Jim Varney. Somebody please tell me they remember him from the old Convenient Store commercials "hey Vern" - he also did Ernest Goes to Camp, and other B rated movies.

Last, but certainly not least - we have "wife beater". You guessed it - he is overweight and wears one of those so attractive undershirts. They have junk everywhere - xmas lights from five years ago that has yet to be relit and an ugly "bullet" shaped camper parked in the drive. They had a yard sale a couple years ago and the tables they used are still leaning against the camper.

When the garge door is open - fortunately not too often - you can see it is packed from floor to ceiling (2 car garage) and in the middle of the mess is an old Chevy Camaro (like 1967) that he periodically digs his way into and starts, revs up the engine a dozen times, and then shuts the garage.

ramer - that sounds like my dream neighborhood. Just like the one I want to move back to.

MK - if you were my neighbor I would refer to you as "that funny lady." You killed me with that comment, because we make up names too. The only one I can remember is "Comfort Air" because he drives a van for an air conditioning company. I do remember Vern.

How funny! I thought we were the only ones that named our neighbors. We have 'the Alien', who is obsessed with his cars. He has six cars two of which are identical Lincoln town cars - same color and everything. He washes them every Saturday religiously. We gave him the name when one Saturday we saw him detailing the the spare tire in his trunk. I'm lucky if my car gets washed every six months. Some people have too much time on their hands.

We used to have "air conditioning dude" because he drove an AC truck and flew threw the neighborhood. We were sure he was going to kill a dog or a kid at some point. But he moved away...with the wife of another neighbor.