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> Oh exalted dean of all wisdom, whose office hours are eternal, who has> an entire priesthood begging to grade papers, and who _never_ gets in> trouble for accepting sexual favors in exchange for grades, hear this> lowly, half-baked, not-quite-tenured professor.>> As a monument to your greatness, I have made for myself an office on> the tenth floor of one of the most hallowed halls at my university. My> door is open to students, and the wise and foolish alike flock to my> office in the sky. Some of them come in search of truth. That's okay.> I tell them the truth, and if I don't know, I make something up to> save you the trouble. If I can't make something up, it is only then> that I refer them to Your Busyness.>> Some of them come in search of better grades. If they wear clothes> that highlight an attractive figure, that's okay too.>> But then there's the rest. Wasting my time with foolish questions.> Coming to my office in the sky, plopping themselves in front of my desk> to get me to sign a petition. Asking for letters of recommendation> (*as if* last night... ahem!). Telling me what will happen if I don't> change my mind about Jesus. Not to mention the woodchucks in my class.>> These folks are an annoyance to anyone who doesn't have a staff of ZOT> handy. University policy says I can't open the window of my office in> the sky and toss them out. I can't threaten them with failing marks> because this is a private university, and I have to get permission from> the President to give anyone a grade lower than a B+.>> Most wise oracle, you use your staff of ZOT only as a convenience, and> you are surely clever enough to eliminate annoying supplicants even if> you could not fry them. Teach me your ways, so I can use my office> hours for productive research on the hemlines of my graduate> assistants.

} Do you have problems with annoying people wasting your time? Would you} rather be paying attention to beautiful woman than losers with stupid} questions? Isn't there a better way to offer consulting services?}} NOW THERE IS!!!!}} Now you too can own a -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- just like the one the} Usenet Oracle uses! Feel the power as your supplicants grovel before} you to improve the chance of them surviving! With your own -=> Staff} Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- only those with meaningful and important questions} will dare approach you. The -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- has many} useful settings! From 'Vaporize' to 'Hot Foot' to 'Roast in own body} fat', plus *many* *many* more!}} How much would you pay for this kind of power? $30.00? $40.00? $50.00?}} Don't answer yet! There's More!}} Along with your -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- You will receive ABSOLUTELY} FREE, a rechargeable Dustbuster (tm)! The Dustbuster makes cleaning} ashes out of your carpeting a snap!}} How much would you pay now? $75.00? But Wait! There's still more!}} If you are one of the first one thousand people to order your very own} -> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- you will also receive an official copy of} the book "Cooking With the -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=-" which contains} 500 easy to follow recipes. If you thought the microwave was fast, just} wait until you try the Power Of *ZOT* (tm)!}} You get the -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=-, rechargeable Dustbuster, and} marvelous cookbook for one low price!}} How Low? $100.00? $200.00? Are you kidding?}} The -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- is available for six easy payments of} $125,000! (U.S. funds only)}} Supplies are limited! Order Today! (No C.O.D's Please!)}} You owe the Oracle a set of batteries (not included).

} You know, grovels these days are starting to get kind of annoying.} I mean, with "wonderful and wise", you're spot on, if a little} understated, but "whose powers are so mighty"???}} I'm an Oracle, not a God! I'm Omniscient, not Omnnipotent!}} My contract specifically states that as long as I answer questions} posed by you mortals, I shall be granted Omniscience and Immortality.} If only they'd granted the Omniscience before I'd signed on.} Sheesh. I mean, talk about your fine print!}} You'd think that with immortality might come eternal youth, right?} I did. Big mistake! I mean, I'm 87 thousand years old, and I look} and feel like it.}} Can you imagine what my arthritis feels like???} (Note: that was a rhetorical question. Obviously, I know the answer:} that your puny brain is incomprehensible of imagining such pain).}} "Powers?" Ha! I mean, 87 thousand years ago, right after I took this} job, I knew that, today, I'd be sitting here, in sub-zero Indiana,} complaining about my arthritis, right after going through a streak of} 14 consecutive w**dch*ck questions, but did I have the power to change} anything?}} Let me explain something to you. You see, in nature, knowledge and} power are opposites. The more you have of one, the less you can have} of the other. (Yes this is similar to the way your brilliant} scientists and engineers are all managed by idiots. Stop} interrupting). The powerful gods that you mortals worship are some} of the most idiotic beings in the universe.}} I mean, I mean, you're wondering how I manage to ZOT all those people} who ask the unaskable, when I have no powers. I just tell Zeus that} his wife is in love with them. And he always believes me! He's so} jealous that if I told him that his wife loved him, he'd kill himself.}} Enough ranting for now. On to your question:}} > How come they call a driveway a driveway when you park on it, and a} > parkway a parkway when you drive on it?}} Even in your feeble mind, the light of understanding is starting to} glimmer.}} Yes, the people who created the nouns like "driveway" and "parkway",} were very powerful, as they would influence the ways in which} millions of people think, just by choosing the words.}} Hence, they were idiots.}} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of pain-killers.

} Because, as aristocratic as cats present themselves to be (the only way} you can be assured to grab one's attention is to sound the can opener),} they aren't overly bright. Here is a sampling from one tabby's group} of lives (it is presently residing somewhere in California, enjoying} old-age in its 9th life with large amounts of sunbathing):}} (Life number spent in parentheses)}} (1) -- As a kitten, frequently attempted to chase neighbour's pitbull} up a tree. Result: an overhelming fear of dogs and a slight} concussion. Now prefers to chase itself up a tree.}} (2) -- Attempted to use live power cord to hook that goldfish once and} for all. Result: goldfish still alive (but God was only kind enough} to grant goldfish 4 lives and that's a different story altogether).}} (3) -- Ran into sliding patio door at full sprint after owner cleaned} the glass.}} (4) -- While leaping up to a window sill, learned a split second too} late that the owner had opened up the window to allow some air inside} the house. Result: cat flies out of house onto outside driveway.} Learned that cats don't always land on their feet in panic situations.} Plus, gained a phobia of all doors and window sills.}} (5) -- Attempted to invent "cat paddling" in a swimming pool. Result:} now leaves paddling for the dogs to do.}} (6) -- Second lesson about electricity when it nibbled something} particularly enticing on the owner's Christmas tree.}} (7) -- Learned never to confuse the tablecloth in the kitchen with a} scratcpost. Result: owner had to buy new dinnerware to replace the} broken ones that were on the table in this incident.}} (8) -- Learned that sleeping on big screen TVs can be hazardous to} one's feline self (you may have seen on one episode of "America's} Funniest Home Videos" a videoclip of a cat falling off a TV set -- this} was the cat). Result: owner is $10,000 richer for having the funniest} home video of the week.}} (9) -- Still living this one... .}} You owe the Oracle some kitty litter. Bulk.

> Oracle most high> please listen to this lowly> supplicant's query.>> While not at a loss> for words, I simply cannot> write like others do.>> My first line has five> syllables, second seven,> and the third, too, five.>> They keep stressing rhyme,> iambic pentameter,> and say I write prose.>> Poetry to them:> always lines ending alike,> other ways uknown.>> Poetry to me:> rythm across the tongue, and> opposing ideas.>> Why do they guffaw> misunderstanding my works> penned seriously?>> Oh what must I do> to be seen as a poet> by these blind critics?>> I await your light,> piercing though the shadows which> have befallen me.

} Foolish supplicant} Faithfully fills out a form} Bureaucrat rigor}} Wise, ancient poets} Serene and afire with life} Silent, composing}} No pen in the hand} Put your soul on the paper} Then trace it with ink.}} For sagest advice} The Oracle charges you} To learn Japanese

> Are you tired of answering the same lame questions? Tired of the> Oracle's priests ignoring your thoughtful and hilarious answers? Don't> you wish your oraclarities were all the rage on rec.humor.oracle.d?>> THIS QUESTION CAN HELP!>> Simply ignore this question for 24 hours so it gets passed on to the> next incarnation. IT'S AS EASY AS THAT! Your supplicants will start to> grovel! They will ask enlightening question! You are GUARANTEED to make> the Digest within a week!>> This question was asked by Brian Smyth on August 23, 1992. It has> traveled around the world 15 times without being answered!>> Jill Forman of St. Paul, MN, read this question and let it pass on to> the next incarnation. She now has made the Best Of Usenet Oraclaries 12> times to date!>> DON'T BREAK THE CYCLE!>> An incarnation in Miami, FL, received a similar question on November> 12, 1993. He didn't follow the directions and sent a reply to the> question. Now he spends all day answering questions about lemurs and> has NEVER ever made it into the Oraclarities Digest!>> THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!>> Bill Zimmerman of Seattle, WA, not only made the Digest after not> answering this letter, but HE IS NOW DATING LISA!>> Jack Donnaldson of Salt Lake City, UT, not only didn't answer this> question, but mailed in a couple more copies as questions. He is now a> member of the Orcacle Priesthood!>> YOU DON'T NEED TO SEND ANY MONEY!>> Remember! Do not respond to this letter and all your problems will be> solved!

> Oh most grand exalted oracle, oh you who's lowest thoughts are> astounding knowledge, who is the ultimate of ultimates,> supreme of sumprmes, sings better than diana ross, and grand exalted> keeper of knowledge so high that we mortals are incapable of grasping> it, i prostrate before you to ask one simple question, one that> i hope is deamed worthy by you as a good question,>> is humility REALLY the one true path to happiness?

} Humility can bring you happiness but this is a long, arduous road} you are embarking on.}} However, in the future, none of this will be necessary. We are} working on a brand of piety 32% more humble than the next brand.} Through consultations with Benedictine monks and Mother Theresa, we} have managed to distill commonplace humility and pass the savings on} to you.}} Furthermore, we are developing technologies that will allow you to} circumvent the old, outmoded method of demonstrating your humility} in the usual manner. For just pennies more than you're paying now,} you will be able to live an extravagant lifestyle, yet you will be} able to beam your humility directly to the heavens.}} Have you ever felt one with the universe, communed with the spirits,} and experienced all the joy of human existence?}} You will.}} *brought to you from AT&T*