General Question

Why can't I meet a decent sane woman?

Lately, I’ve been meeting some clucks. Of course they never really seem that way at first, but if they had seemed that way, I wouldn’t be asking this question now would I?

Funny thing is, lately isn’t not even people I’m seeing / dating. It’s friends (that are female) and ex’s too. This got me thinking about past relationships and past friends that were female.

After thinking about this all night at work, I’ve come to the conclusion that just about every female I’ve known (flutheries aside, cuz I don’t really know any of you ~peers around the room~) seems like they had it out for me. I’ve never had a relationship that went smoothly. Smoothly being: Not having asinine arguments or being cheated on or just straight up lies beyond the lines of being able to trust that person again.

There’s only been a handful of female friends that didn’t try stabbing me in the back. None of which I would’ve ever dated, because I just didn’t seem that way.

I know that I probably have abandonment issues from my mother not having any contact with me from the ages 9–20, but this barrage of crazy women isn’t helping my faith in females. Also, why do I seem to attract the crazy ones that feel like I’m a good target for pain? I’m started to build walls and become the guy that never wants anything more than sex. I don’t want to be that guy, but it’s not like I’m handed much of a choice, right?

Do I subconsciously think I really want to date someone that wants to hurt me?

Maybe, you are “looking for love in all the wrong places”, like the song says. there are many nice women out there. location is everything, when looking for someone to date, that meets your expectations. a bar is not a good location to meet a nice woman. it happens, but its rare. this may sound a little strange, but many good single women go to casinos. thats right. i am happily married, but when the wife and i go to a casino, we notice the many attractive women there. many do not have a wedding ring on their finger. your search location is everything. i met my wife in a department store. she was a model for womens sports clothes. you just never know when its going to happen. again, i say, location is where its at. try something different for a change. visit church. it could happen there. john

What are your expectations in a relationship? Are you realistic? Everyone, male or female, is a complex conglomeration of experiences, ideas, passions and genetics. That’s what makes the world go around. When you’re starting a relationship with someone, focus on getting to know her. People are endlessly fascinating, and all most people want is someone who recognizes and appreciates their uniqueness.

Yes, all women are probably crazy but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Let her be who she is. Make room. Even the happiest of couples have faults, argue, get mad, get stubborn and have baggage from the past. Every person has triggers that make them crazy too. Yes, even you.

@lynfromnm Yes, I understand the triggers, but you are grossly underestimating the crazy-ness. Lol, sorry if that comes off rude, but believe me when I say crazy. Go ahead & check this out. That’s an example of one.

You say you are not being handed much of a choice; I would disagree. You always have a choice how you want to behave or be. If you choose to measure every female you meet according to your generalization that ‘they are all out to get me’, then that is what you will get. Just be yourself, take each person on their own merits. ( remember, you are being judged as well)

@lynfromnm Yea, I met her on an app on my iPhone. Go figure. My friends thought I was making it up. If you read through some of the responses, even fellow flutheries, thought I was making it up, but that’s just one. I’ve got quite a few other crazies in my arsenal, lol. That was just one of the recent ones.

You said you work at night so you are either a prison guard or the dude with the keys to the locked doors on the 9th floor hospital wing. The only thing I can say is stop trolling the inmates and get out and meet the “normies”...the ones who haven’t sworn off reality and society for not letting them make the pom pom squad!

I know what book you’re talking about. I think a lot of the women I know have read it. I must have been absent the day the book was passed around (probably sometime in middle school).

The book has information on how to control a boyfriend, how to make sure your boyfriend dresses right and doesn’t spend too much time with his friends. The book discusses ways to make sure your boyfriend is always honest with you (in other words, stalking), how to prevent your boyfriend from having any other girls in his life at all, how to be suspicious of everything, how to constantly come up with drama to yell or cry over, and how girls need to be constantly assured that they hold the most important place in the boyfriend’s life.

There is hope, however. A lot of girls finally grow up a bit and realize the book was full of crap. The best place to meet these girls is not a bar or a club. You’re more likely to find them in a book store or a library, at a volunteer events, the produce section at the grocery store. When you meet someone new, take the time to get to know her. Watch for “red flags” like a lack of self-respect or a misplaced sense of what a relationship entails. Don’t rush into things, treat the girl the way you’d wanted to be treated. Be honest, communicate, and be friends first. No one is perfect, and you probably won’t meet a girl who hasn’t had some kind of issue in her life.

My husband’s best friend went through a series of truly crazy girlfriends. He often complained about the lack of emotionally stable women, and wondered why he always seemed to end up these girls. A few years ago he met a girl at a coffee shop. They’re married now and very happy. There’s really no trick to it, just keep looking. To be honest, it helps if you are the kind of guy who might attract a balanced, caring, female. If you’re crazy yourself, well…good luck with that. ;)

If they’re not that way at first, maybe you’re driving them insane. :)

Where do you find these women? Maybe, if there’s a commonality in where you’re finding them, then you’re looking in the wrong place. Or maybe it’s the type of woman you’re trying to be with. Try a new dating avenue. Don’t give up, man. There is a gem out there who will suit your needs, if you want her.

I don’t mean to be an armchair psychiatrist, but you probably need to reconcile your abandonment issues to really give yourself a chance at attracting someone normal. We put out vibes on that kind of stuff. If it were one or two chicks, that’s one thing, but if it’s every single one, then it’s the world you’re creating. Try to imagine something different and then spend a week just being open and receptive to that “something different” as a reality.

This is going to sound stupid, but there’s a dude on the series “Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew” (on VH-1) that sounds a lot like you—not the same, but similar. His shit was related to his mom and the fact that he started having sex at an early age (with crazy women). He was also kicked out of school in Mexico for severe ADD.

Maybe you are, and I’m just assuming incorrectly. Maybe it’s something else you’re dealing with. I haven’t picked winners, either, but I do know that they’re out there and it makes me wonder why I haven’t gone down the path of sane and normal.

@kevbo Sometimes I do think I have a little ADD, but I don’t feel I’m in denial about the issues, in fact I might have an idea as to why she did it in the first place… I digress. I do think it might to a degree for trust reasons, but as to why I keep encountering these women, no.

I think you hit the nail on the head whether you meant to or not. You probably are sending out some vibes, attracting a certain “type” and the process is so subconscious that you’re not even aware of it. But consider, you have a screening process that you use to speak to women. They meet a certain criteria, do they not? Start to pay attention to who and what type first catches your interest. EXAMINE your motivations and question yourself when you’re socializing. See if you can spot any patterns. You may need to have a bit of therapy, just from the standpoint of having a sounding board. The therapist’s job isn’t to tell you but to ask questions that allow you to see on your own, so…. Good luck!

@Axemusica, I am in the same boat. I attracted a lot of men who want mommies, men who couldn’t tolerate it when I had emotional needs and wanted to be vulnerable or needed a shoulder to cry on or just for a moment having a space where I didn’t have to be so “strong” all the damn time. None of them ever wanted that back and forth. They wanted to take, take, take. Then I realized that the common element of all these dysfunctional, crashed-into-flames relationships was me and what I was putting out there. I had mother issues, as well.

I was brought up believing that if I wanted love from anyone, I had to take care of them emotionally and otherwise or else I got no attention, and that carried over into my romantic life. Only recently have I begun to reject being the mommy to anyone but myself, but that’s not been recent enough to stop two friends who are trying to push off these sorts of guys on me. I had to follow my gut and say no.

@kevbo and @Trillian have got it. Examine your behavior with these women, since your beliefs, action and behavior are the only things you can change. Change your beliefs, first and foremost. If you believe deep down that you are going to be abandoned and used, that women are going to treat you like your mother did, then those will be the women you attract. If you come to believe that you are indeed a worthwhile person who doesn’t have to put up with being treated like crap by anyone, then you will end up behaving that way. You can’t change these women.

And you can teach yourself to not respond automatically to them when they approach you. You can stop and observe. Almost always, no one needs to jump into a relationship or in the sack right away. Stop. When you meet a woman that sets off your buttons the way those women did in the past, consider that a red light and STOP.

1. Get to know yourself, and be honest about it. People do not like to look in the mirror at themselves.
2. Look at the women you are/have been dating. What do you do and what is it about you that you find attractive in them.
3. Learn a new dance. Easier said then done. That takes time, and you never will remove all the steps from your last trot.
4. In the process, learn to love yourself first. Be happy an content with the company of yourself.
5. As your self confidence grows so will the quality of woman that you seek. That being subjective to yourself and that is all that matters.
6. Accept the fact that women are crazy. But, when you find the right one. Their decency will outweigh any baggage they might have or you might carry.

I believe that there are those of us who are destined to be SINGLE thruout our lives…for whatever the reason….

The only females that i ever met and tried a relationship with were nuttier than a fruitcake… One was going to move in after just one date and I had to call the cops on her to get her to leave ,... another; i was going to marry and the day before I left for Texas to get married at her mother’s , I received a letter that she had met another guy and THEY were getting married…. Had another one tell me after ONE date that we needed to go to her parents and discuss the weding plans…. and there were about four others… just as bad or worse….

What’s wrong with the women today ? Are they THAT anxious to get married !!

NO; It isn’t alway YOU (The GUY) ... personally; I’ve given up on it and resolved that I’‘l be single until I die…

I am starting to understand that when we are united with someone for a meaningful relationship – whether it be a romantic relationship or not- it is because we are supposed to embrace their soul, and help one another heal past hurts.

For me, this is very much apparent when I fall in love with someone beyond measure, almost inexplicably. I’m not talking about “fixing” someone. I’m talking about nurturing them, and drawing from your own life experiences and knowledge to be there for them, and love them.

Sometimes that’s all we want afterall… to know that at the end of the day you are loved despite… your errors… your hurts… what could be misconstrued as your insanity – but is really your pain… your fears… your suspicions… and all the other things we tend to stuff way down deep inside.

It’s a delicate balance, this give and take. Operative word, give. I think if you continue to invest in others’ lives and nurture all the beauty that is around you, love will come to you. Because love is everywhere. Don’t lose hope my fellow jellie… she is out there somewhere!!

You mentioned being surrounded by crazy women, so I think you need a change of surroundings. Maybe the people you associate with are a certain “type” both the men and the women?

I hate the idea of a “book.” When my husband and I started dating and then became engaged and married it was like the most natural thing in the world. We both wanted to be with each other. We were both considerate of each other. We still now never cause any worry for each other, or play games like who is going to call who first (we never did this).

I think when two honest people with integrity get together, have an attraction for each other, everything is pretty easy in the beginning, barring anything really awful or challenging happening. There is no backstabbing or manipulation.

I think you should try to surround yourself with people in good loving relationships, maybe you need a good model? I don’t want you to think I am saying it is any way your fault, I mean I don’t really know you, and even the best people can wind up dating a totally horrible person.

I am with @kevbo, @aprilsimnel, and the others who pointed out that you are the common element here—something about you is appealing to the crazies, or something about the crazies is appealing to you. (Or both.)

You mention that crazygirls dominate your friend group as well as your dating partners. I think these two things are not unrelated. You know what they say about birds of a feather. If you want to date non-crazies, you have to be friends with non-crazies.

So I think your approach should be two-pronged:
(1) Change your environment. Start a new hobby, take a class, go to church, whatever, so you can surround yourself with a different group of people.
(2) Keep working your ish out. None of us are ever really done with this, I think.

Good luck.

And @kevbo: eff off! There are plenty of girls with all three of your Ss (sexy, smart, and sane)! Ahem.

I don’t think it’s fair to lump all women into the same category just because you’ve had bad experiences with women. I don’t even think it’s fair when women do that about men. Chances are you’ve just been looking in the wrong places. Not all women are like that. However, every relationship will have its problems, regardless of what the man and woman are like. Setting up expectations that are way too high for anyone to meet is a good way to end up disappointed in the long run.

try dating older women, as the younger ones are the crazy ones, if this site is any indication. If I was ever in the market to start dating again, I think I might try playing for the other team. All women are nuts.

Your past is dictating your future by association, recognition of patterns but not positive ones. Your brain recalls what gave you a rush and thrill so it seeks those cues even though you don’t want the rest of the crazy package. Time for re programming.

I once dated a man who complained about every woman he met or chased after him being the same kind of bar floozy with the same haircuts, the same tattoos and the same mental issues so I asked him why he kept going to the places they were or accepting to go out with them? He could have said no.

Lets not be defensive girls. I think he is just frustrated and using general terms. He must believe there are sane women out there, or he would not have posted the question. And, he kind of exposed some difficulties he had in his past, seems willing to look at himself. I give him credit for that.

Well, for beginners, you’re on the right track by recognizing that it’s an issue with you. And you’re on the right track to consider it has to do with abandonment issues. And, they never go away. All three of my kids have those same issues regarding their father. All three are handling them in different ways. Neither of my girls can sustain a healthy, long term relationship, at least not up to this point (they’re 30 and 24). My son, on the other hand, sustains unhealthy relationships for years. He refuses to give up, even after it’s obvious that he should.

The thing is, you aren’t attracting only crazy women. You’re attracting a number of different women, but you’re only letting the crazy women in, and shutting the rest out. Maybe the crazies seem….exciting, untamed at first? And that high temperature attracts you? The “good women” may strike you as boring so you don’t give them a chance…..give the “boring” ones a chance. You’ll never know the depth of a woman until you let her in, and find out she’s not so boring after all….she just doesn’t care for all the drama and attention that drama creates, so she’s quieter than what you’re used to….

Oh, for pity sake, harping on the term “girls” is so last century
The answer to this question is the same for everybody, not just the OP – when you want/need to attract women, you have to make yourself attractive. To attract ‘sane’ women, make sure you are the ‘sane’ one. Think about all the features you want in a partner and make sure you exhibit those features yourself.

@aprilsimnel certainly offered you good advice. Have you every had a satisfying relationship with a woman?

It may be a problem of choosing from a limited range of women – those you know or to whom you have had the opportunity to meet.

It may be you are limiting yourself to women who you feel won’t say no. Or to women who approach you first.

Get involved with a wider range of people by getting involved in things that interest you where you will meet people who share that interest. Take the time to develop something of an impression of a woman and start slow in interacting with her. Meet for coffee and listen to what they tell you directly and indirectly about themselves before deciding whether to go further in pursuing a friendship and later a relationship with them.
Pay attention to how women react to you – this can be a valuable source of information.

Avoid getting involved with women you think you can fix up to suit your needs.

Be persistent and patient, you will find a hidden treasure just right for you.

Wow, this was actually enlightening. Thanks for all the input. I’m taken taking majority of these answers into consideration, many in which I’ve already been analyzing about myself. Thanks a lot flutheries. :)

@faye well read these responses. They gave me a lot to think about and quite frankly I’ve grown tired of the same old drama that I really don’t need in my life. I want someone to make me happy. That’s it. Someone that’s able to lift my spirits when I’m down and doesn’t play immature games. Of course I’m going to have to try and change, because I want to start attracting these type of women. I’ve been putting off the crazy radar I guess and I want to put off the nice homely radar.

@tinyfaery sorry for the delayed response to you comment directed at me, I have been on vacation. I know many women do not like when “girls” is used to refer to grown women, I did not mean to offend or belittle. I apologyze if you find it offensive. Just a term I use, not defending it, just wanted to let you know I was not trying to be condescending to any of those who had responded critically towards the OP. I should have used ladies.

Decent, sane people of either gender are becoming a rarity, as evidenced by the fact that any post you make online is usually subject to all sorts of abusive responses. Only a small percentage of people are worth bothering with. Be patient. Maybe you will meet a decent, sane woman. Maybe you won’t.

better as in, in the head? Well, @tinyfaery there comes a time in a…. ahem, I don’t mean “better than” anyone. That just sound pompous and I couldn’t ever date someone like that. More like, due to my experience (which might be lacking due to age) I feel as though just about every woman I dateso to speak, turns and pulls some insane stunts while seeing them and anything other than not having that…. I would see pretty damn close to Decent, lol.