It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!” In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner. They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.

This time around, I’ll be taking a look at the Best Picture winners from the 2000s.

What should have won: I know it’s hard to believe, but in the last three decades, the Academy was right twice. Gladiator was the best movie of the year 2000. It’s chock full of war, decapitations, blood and guts, Russell Crowe brooding, Joaquin Phoenix brooding, and Romans speaking in English accents. The best part is when the villain dies, and realizes he’s dying as he dies slowly. It’s not one of those stupid moments where the hero chops off the villain’s head. No, here, the bad guys gets to reflect on how he lost, which is pretty great. Gladiator is endlessly rewatchable, which is what makes it the best movie of the year.

2001

Winner:A Beautiful Mind

What else got nominated:Gosford Park, In the Bedroom, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Moulin Rouge

My nominees:Memento, A Knight’s Tale, Rush Hour 2, Zoolander, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, The Fellowship of the Ring

What should have won: There were a ton of great movies this year, and it wasn’t easy picking the best. Memento is a strong front-runner with a unique flow that no other movies have, but in all honesty, a comedy was this year’s best. Zoolander is an absolutely hilarious movie, perhaps more relevant now than ever before. With society continuing its decline to greater depth of vapid stupidity, the fictional Zoolander sometimes looks like a genius compared to the likes of Kim Kardashian or Kanye West. It’s endlessly quotable, and gets better every time. Even though I know it by heart, it never fails to make me laugh.

2002

Winner:Chicago

What else got nominated:Gangs of New York, The Hours, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Pianist

What should have won: Being the second part of a trilogy is almost never a good thing. Usually, it’s a bridge from the setup of the first movie and the conclusion of the last. The Two Towers, however, manages to avoid most of those problems. It still has the fantastic fantasy setting which was perfect in the first film. It ups the ante by including a massive battle, which manages to be exciting and tense all at once. The characters continue their growth in natural ways. Viggo Mortensen, as always, is a total badass. Return of the King, while great, sort of went overboard on the battles, and cannot top the perfect Helm’s Deep battle here. The Lord of the Rings is a great trilogy, containing a very strong middle film, which is more than we can say for The Hobbit.

2003

Winner:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

What else got nominated:Lost in Translation, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, Mystic River, Seabiscuit

My nominees:Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, The Last Samurai, The Return of the King, X2: X-Men United, School of Rock, Kill Bill vol. 1

What should have won: Obviously, the Academy gave Return of the King the best picture prize this year as a means of recognizing the entire trilogy. But since the trilogy already won last year, this year’s choice went to something different. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, is a breezy, effortless, fantastic adventure romp with fun characters and cool battles. It also managed to make pirates cool again. Jack Sparrow in a great leading character, twisting the status quo because he is also the comic relief. While the series has gotten increasingly worse over the years, this movie manages to be great fun every time you watch it.

2004

Winner:Million Dollar Baby

What else got nominated:The Aviator, Finding Neverland, Ray, Sideways

My nominees:Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Bourne Supremacy, Team America: World Police, The Aviator

What should have won:Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is the best of the entire Harry Potter film series. Director Alfonso Cuaron took the kid-centric films and sharpened them with a darker edge. The changes he made set the tone for the rest of the films to follow, and he definitely moved the series in the right direction. Author J.K. Rowling deserves a lot of credit, too, but Cuaron’s vision to make the series darker was absolutely the right move for the films. As the kids age, they become better actors, able to handle a more complex plot. Despite the darker edge, the series managed to maintain its level of wonder. Because this is the best film in the series, it wins this year, although The Aviator was probably the next best film. Leonardo DiCaprio was brilliant as the young, tortured Howard Hughes. That is a movie everyone should see, too.

2005

Winner:Crash

What else got nominated:Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich

My nominees:Kingdom of Heaven, Batman Begins, Hustle & Flow

What should have won: Holy shit, 2005 was an abysmal year for Hollywood! Pretty much everything they put out this year was total shit. Kingdom of Heaven was indeed a stellar Crusades movie, and we don’t have a lot of Crusades movies. Batman Begins was the beginning of a new Batman trilogy, and moved that series in the GRRR DARK AND GRITTY GRRR direction. It remains a favorite of mine. However, the movie of the year is, without a doubt, Hustle & Flow. The movie is about Terrence Howard’s pimp character trying to rise out of the ghetto through rapping. The movie unglamorizes the pimp lifestyle, but manages to somehow be serious, uplifting, depressing, fun, and funny. Howard knocks it out of the park as his performance as a small-time pimp. The raps are amazing, and one of them actually won an Academy Award. Check out my full review here.

My nominees:The Illusionist, The Wicker Man, The Departed, Borat, Casino Royale, Rocky Balboa, Children of Men

What should have won:The Wicker Man. Was there any doubt? Nicolas Cage’s most insane movie wins by default. There is a lot to learn from this film including the art of random dialogue, overacting, terrible directing, and nonsensical plotting. You can learn about the other lessons of The Wicker Man here. Just remember one thing: “OH NO, NOT THE BEES!”

2007

Winner:No Country for Old Men

What else got nominated:Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood

What should have won: Sort of how the Academy likes to do things, I gave this year’s award to the film series that deserved it, namely, the Jason Bourne series. The Bourne Ultimatum serves as the capstone to a perfect trilogy (shakey-cam aside). It changed the spy genre completely, setting things in fast-paced realism, which would be stolen by every spy movie since, including James Bond. Bourne manages to stay fresh and interesting throughout the course of all three films, and that is a testament to everyone involved. The action is hard-hitting, the plotting is sharp, and the acting is top-notch. My favorite of the series is the first film, The Bourne Identity, but they’re all great.

What should have won:Iron Man kicked off the current glut of superhero movies that Hollywood is shitting at us every year. At the time, though, nobody expected that to happen. Iron Man was a second-tier superhero that nobody gave a shit about. Somehow, the filmmakers managed to elevate him to first-tier status. Robert Downey Jr. playing himself certainly helped. Iron Man was a lot of fun, it didn’t take itself too seriously, but wasn’t overtly campy, either. It may have been light on plot, but it was strong everywhere else. This was a fun, effortless film, that is a treat every time you watch it. Tony Stark may be a more narcissistic version of Bruce Wayne, but that doesn’t make him any less interesting to watch on screen. And once he finally puts on the full Iron Man suit and kicks ass, it’s impossible not to be entertained.

What should have won: 2009 was a solid year for Hollywood. There were a lot of great movies. It was hard to pick a winner this year. But it is finally time to give Quentin Tarantino his due. Inglourious Basterds is a fantastic film, and most likely his masterpiece. Christoph Waltz steals the show as a charming Nazi who somehow ends up as the main character. This is also the film from which Michael F. Assbender was willed into existence. The stories, as usual in Tarantino’s work, intersect in various ways. The spaghetti western music perfectly accentuates the WWII setting. The revisionist history ending was an unexpected delight. Tarantino is at the height of his powers here. He commands amazing performances from his cast, and the pacing, the framing, and the building sense of tension are all perfect.

So there you have it, my decade in review. Wouldn’t you know it, the Academy got it wrong almost every single year. They should put me in charge of this stuff. That way you won’t have shit winning all the time. Movies that people have seen, movies that are actually good would win. I suppose that’s asking too much. Perhaps someday the Academy will pull their heads out of their asses. But I doubt it.

10 minutes into The Interview, I found myself doing something I had never thought possible: I agreed with North Korea. The Interview is so horrible, I agree with North Korea that this cinematic abortion of a film should be wiped from the face of the Earth. This is one of the laziest, stupidest, most incompetent movies I have ever seen. Written by Rogan, it features a journalist and his producer flying to North Korea for an exclusive interview with dictator Kim Jong-Un. The CIA tasks them beforehand with assassinating the dictator. What follows is a non-stop parade of dick jokes, fart jokes, oral sex jokes, sticking stuff up butt jokes, and general screaming. I never laughed once during the entire 2 hour runtime. I didn’t even smirk. Even in the worst comedies, I can at least find myself chuckling once or twice. But here, no, not once. The movie’s jokes are lazy and recycled and done far worse than any other movie you’ve seen. Rogan and Franco seem to think that if they simply reference penises, it will elicit huge laughs from the audience. That’s not how it works, guys. You can’t just say “penis” and expect the movie to be laugh riot. There needs to be a punchline. This is the drawback of having a screenplay written by a guy who is high 24 hours a day, stoners think everything is funny. They tried to make Kim Jong-un interesting and likable, but failed there too. The actor playing Kim is too handsome to be confused with the chubby, goofy-looking kid running that country. Sony should be ashamed of themselves for making this movie. Not because it insulted North Korea, but because it’s a horrible piece of shit. North Korea was right, this movie sucks ass, and should not be watched by anyone.

Verdict: Shitty

Godzilla (2014)

Rowr, rowr, rowr rowr rowr rowr.

The new Godzilla movie is a bigger letdown than the giant monster himself. Bryan Cranston stars as a guy who is obsessed with Godzilla after the atomic monster blows up a Japanese town and kills Cranston’s wife in the process. Cranston is great as the obsessed scientist, a role he’s familiar with. Unfortunately, the movie plays the ol’ switcharoo. Cranston dies early, and the rest of the movie features a bland hero played by the dude from Kick-Ass. Kick-Ass follows Godzilla around, from one disaster set piece to the next. Godzilla turns out to be a heroic monster, as he fights giant mutated grasshoppers or something. Apparently, they are Godzilla’s natural enemy and he, oh, whatever, fuck this shit. It’s just an overwrought explanation for having giant CGI monsters fight each other. The fight scenes are OK, and Godzilla actually looks pretty good. But the movie features nothing we haven’t already seen before. The pacing is lethargic, and they bring nothing new to the table. I was pretty bored by the end of it. Maybe the inevitable sequel will be better, but I won’t count on it.

Windtalkers is a World War II movie directed by action legend John Woo and starring the lovably insane Nicolas Cage. When I learned these bits of information, my first thought was, “Where do I sign up?”

The movie came and went, and got middling reviews. I never got around to seeing it thanks to its poor reception. Finally, 11 years after its 2002 release, I watched this movie on Netflix. And how did it hold up? Eh, not good.

It’s somewhat hard to believe that John Woo actually directed this movie. He is normally very competent behind the camera. His action scenes in movies like The Killer, Hard Boiled, and Face Off were incredible. They managed to have enthralling, well-planned, heart-pumping moments of carnage. It’s impossible to watch one of his older movies, see Chow Yun-Fat flying through the air with a gun in each hand, and not get excited. I figured he would bring all that good stuff to this movie. Unfortunately, he didn’t.

Mission briefing: kill all the bad guys.

The action scenes, which are the part of the movie that should shine, are abysmal. The opening scene, which shows Cage’s platoon getting decimated somewhere in the Pacific front, is laughable at best. The characters walk around in the open, screaming, chewing scenery, grunting, and dying in the most comical ways imaginable. It’s hard to actually put it into words. But, believe me, if you watch that first scene, you can’t not laugh. It’s so fucking cheesy.

The cheese factor only ramps up as the movie goes on. Cage’s character pretty much single-handedly defeats the entire Japanese army. He runs around in open fields, spraying lead from a Thompson sub-machine gun, and killing everything that moves. No one seems to be able to hit him, despite his insistence on not taking cover. I lost track of how many people got killed, but it was a shitload. Too bad the real Marines didn’t have Cage with them, he would have ended the war a hell of a lot sooner.

“And then they said Nicolas Cage was going to be protecting us!”

The rest of the action scenes don’t fare any better. The biggest problem with them, apart from how cheesy they are, is that there is no sense of space or direction. Characters run this way or that. Bad guys pop up out of nowhere. There are no discernable objectives. Basically, the audience has no clue where anybody is in relation to one another. The audience also has no idea what the hell the troops are supposed to be doing at any given time. This is extremely disorienting, and makes the action scenes incomprehensible. For an example of how action scenes of war should be filmed, take a look at Saving Private Ryan. There, you get a good establishment of where the principle players are located, where the objective is, and how the two sides are going to clash. None of that is in Windtalkers. The actions scenes here are discombobulating.

The story of the movie is that Cage is tasked to protect a “Codetalker.” The U.S. military used Navajo language as a basis for code, and used native speakers to transmit the code. This was an ingenious move, since the Navajo language is so obscure to the rest of the world, that nobody was ever able to break the code. And so, Cage has to protect Adam Beach, who plays the Navajo Codetalker. They don’t really have much to do other than exist from the moment the film begins until it ends. There is no real objective other than “stay alive.” They should have sent them on a mission or something. That way, the audience would know the film was building toward something. Instead, it just meanders along while Beach and Cage get into firefights, and Cage kills every Japanese soldier in sight.

This movie was Christian Slater’s big career comeback.

One of the more egregious problems with this movie is that it tries to be about Navajo Codetalkers, but it really ends up being about Nicholas Cage killing bad guys. The two Codetalkers in the film are supporting characters. They should have been front and center, since the movie is ostensibly about them, but they take a back seat to the white guy. At the very least, Beach should have been his equal in terms of plot points, screen time, and character development.

The rest of the movie is rounded out by layer upon layer of cheese. Pretty much every war film stereotype is used. We have guys talking about what they are going to do when they get back from the war. We have guys promising others to give “such and such” to their wife if they don’t make it back. We have guys giving stupid cliche motivational speeches. And, of course, we have white guys who don’t like the Navajo, but by the end of the film come to accept them. Barf.

“Hey, Nic, are we, like, best friends now?”

The only compliment I can give this movie is Cage’s performance. Now, it’s not exactly a good performance. No, he’s hamming it up with the best of them. But he is giving it his all. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where Cage phones it in. He gives 110% every single time. The performances he gives may be borderline terrible (see Season of the Witch as an example), but he always tries his best. And honestly, what’s better than Cage goingall-out nutso in a film?

Windtalkers is unbearably bad. One of the cheeiest movies I’ve ever seen. A giant slice of stinky Gouda.

Despite having a terrible Engrish title, Btooom is a decent show. It falls in line with the genre of kids who have to kill each other in an arena like Battle Royale or The Hunger Games. Even though this has already been done a million times, Btooom still manages to bring something new to the table. It doesn’t matter that the idea isn’t original, what matters is that the show is executed in an interesting way. A popular online video game called “Btooom” features teams of people playing deathmatches, and their only weapons are various types of grenade and mines. One day, many of the games best players are kidnapped, dropped off on a mysterious tropical island, and forced to play “Btooom” for real. Each character has a unique grenade or mine, and must kill the others in order to win the game and get off the island. As you would expect, characters form alliances to try and improve their chances of survival.

The show is fun to watch. It manages to have a lot of variety and somewhat ingenious ways to use explosive devices. It has just as much of characters outsmarting each other than just winning by brute force. The characters are likable, and the plot moves at a quick pace. The ending leaves a bit to be desired, clearly they want to do a second season, but at least it didn’t stop on a cliffhanger. My only real complaint is that this show is inconsistent in the blast radius of the various explosives. Sometimes, it seems that a grenade will explode right next to someone, and they will be unharmed. But, whatever, it’s anime, it isn’t realistic. Btooom is worth a watch.

Verdict: Good

Kill la Kill

Kill la clothes.

Kill la Kill is the spiritual successor to Gurren Lagann. Those of you who follow me online know that I declared Gurren Lagann best anime of the last decade. And I still stand firmly behind that assessment. Naturally, I was extremely excited to check out this show, given its outstanding pedigree. And the show is really good. It puts an interesting spin on high school dynamics. In reality, high school is like a constant battle against annoying peers, jealous kids, exclusive cliques, and raging hormones. Kill la Kill takes that to absurd levels with the students literally fighting each other. The student council dominates the academy, passing down special uniforms to favored individuals that will boost their fighting skills. One day, a mysterious transfer student (anime trope alert), Ryuko Matoi, comes to school demanding vengeance for the murder of her father at the hands of the head of the student council, Satsuki Kiryuin. They each get special talking battle uniforms, and battle it out, blasting apart the school, and pounding each other with absurd levels of force. What arises from that is an even more absurd concept. The world has been colonized by “life fibers” which are evil alien organisms that have plotted to take over the world by forcing human to wear them as clothes. An insurgent organization, Nudist Beach, is trying to rid the world of clothes. Ryuko, Satsuki, and Nudist Beach ultimately team up to battle the life fibers.

The action in Kill la Kill is phenomenal. I haven’t seen a show with such fantastic battle, and such tremendous animation quality since, well, Gurren Lagann. There is also a lot of humor in the show to punctuate the onslaught of battles. Unfortunately, Kill la Kill isn’t perfect. For all its great points, the show is ultimately hollow on the inside. There is no character development, there is no deeper meaning, everything is taken at face value, and despite the worldwide battle, the show is surprisingly low-stakes. None of the heroes die. One dies, but it turns out to be a fake out, and he was fine all along. Characters don’t have to die to make a show good, but it goes a long way to show that there are real stakes, and there are real dangers against which the characters are willing to sacrifice themselves. As none of the heroes die, they can throw themselves headlong into every battle, and there is never any worry that anything bad will happen to them. Also disappointing is the fact that the heroes don’t kill either of the primary villains. Both of the villains end up killing themselves. So, even with all that fighting, the good guys were completely ineffectual. Overall, Kill la Kill was a lot of fun. It may be light, mindless entertainment, but it was incredibly entertaining mindless entertainment. It’s hard to recommend a show more than this one.

American Hustle was one of those films everyone raved about. When this happens, the movie is usually extremely overrated with little more than coherent storytelling and passable acting, with Argo being a prime example. I figured American Hustle would be exactly the same. The 2013 movie tells the story of con-artists in the 1970s helping the FBI run a sting operation against corrupt politicians. The movie begins with a very out of shape and balding Batman who has seen better days. He has been a con-man for years, and one day meets the love of his life, Amy Adams, who is a masterful con-woman. Batman and Adams are caught by Bradley Cooper who extorts them into working for the FBI. Their goal is to run a larger operation and take down corrupt politicians and the mob. What follows is a dizzying tale of each character trying to get something for themselves. American Hustle is truly a character-driven film. Each character is almost larger than life, played expertly by fantastic cast members. Every player has a developed backstory and clear motivations for what they want in life. There are, of course, double-crosses and cons along they way to keep the film moving. What else would you expect in movie with con-artists? Fortunately, the movie does not rely on the cons, but rather the characters. The 1970s are alive and well in this movie. I didn’t live in this decade, but I can only imagine this is what it looked like, bright, flashy, and very eclectic. The movie required a lot of juggling on the part of the director to keep each character in the spotlight, to keep the story moving full steam ahead, and to not let the pacing get bogged down. Director David O. Russel delivered on every level. The movie really is as great as the hype claims it to be. It is a rare example of a big-budget, star-studded movie done right.

Verdict: Awesome

Everything or Nothing

Such Bond. So secret agent. Wow.

Anyone who frequents Awesome Shitty knows that I’m a James Bond fan. A documentary titled Everything or Nothing was released to mark Bond’s 50th anniversary. I finally got around to watching it, and I must say it was an interesting look back at the genesis of everyone’s favorite spy. The movie begins with Ian Fleming’s early life, and the events that led up to his creation of the Bond character. Bond is essentially an extension of Fleming himself with the smoking, drinking, and jetsetting. The film follows the failed first attempt to bring Bond to the screen on American TV as “Jimmy Bond,” an American CIA agent, and continues on to failed licensing attempts, and eventual success with the first film, Dr. No. We learn the behind the scenes drama of Connery leaving, returning, and leaving again, Lazenby’s hilarious story as to how he was cast as the second Bond, and more. Like a Bond villain himself, Kevin McClory pops up three different times over the years to attempt to thwart the Bond film producers because he claimed rights to the Thunderball story. While I knew the Bond franchise had its ups and downs over the years, I didn’t know how much backstage battling there really was. I suppose there had to be considering it is a 50-year-long movie franchise. The film features great intreviews with producers, writers, directors, and the James Bonds themselves. Only Connery doesn’t appear, which is disappointing, but otherwise, we get some great insights from everyone else. Brosnan in particular had a rough road to becoming Bond and had an interesting story to tell. For fans of the James Bond series, this documentary is a must watch. Even non-Bond fans will like the movie. Mrs. Brik who has seen some of the movies found the documentary quite interesting. I highly recommended checking this out.

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2014. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:

Awesome

I Procreated - Yes, that’s right, I procreated. Mrs. Brik and I have welcomed Baby Brik into the world. We are now evolutionarily fit. She’s a happy, funny, cute bundle of joy with the most discerning taste in films you’ve ever seen in a six month old. Expect a post from her soon.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford - The crack smoking mayor of Toronto provided nothing but laughs this year. Whether it was being found drunk in public, running away from television cameras, or dancing in Canadian parliament, this guy was a parade of hilarity. I love the fact that he was an actual elected official. It’s a nice change from what we get in the U.S., the typical holier-than-thou, super-corrupt but pretending to be squeaky clean assholes. The fact that Rob Ford let it all hang out and didn’t seem to care was rather refreshing.

The Cool Pope - The head of the Catholic Church still has a lot of dusty old beliefs about homosexuality, women’s participation in the church, or any number of things. However, this pope has been pretty progressive, as far as popes go. He acts more like a regular guy and less like a reclusive king than any pope in recent memory. He is cool with welcoming unwed mothers into the church, he called for homosexual to no longer be shunned, he’s all right with contraception as long as it prevents spread of disease, he’s anti-poverty, anti-death penalty, and is pro-environment. He even stated that it is completely possible for there to be alien life, and he’d gladly baptize an alien. Sounds great to me. He’s trying to bring the world’s most craggy, immovable institution into the modern era.

China Anal Probes its Pigeons – As a part of China’s National Day celebration, they planned to release 10,000 pigeons over Tiananmen Square. Fearing a possible terrorist attack, each pigeon was inspected: under the wings, under the legs, and inside the anus. Now, if any terrorist has the capability to put high-grade explosives inside a pigeon’s butthole, he has an unparalleled dedication to his job. Also, I feel sorry for whomever had to stick their fingers inside 10,000 pigeon anuses. It seems like nothing good ever happens in Tienanmen Square.

New Zealand Man Fights a Shark - A New Zealand man was spear fishing with his friends when he was attacked by a shark. Being a crazy New Zealander, and probably using an enchanted sword, he stabbed the shark until it fled. When he got out of the water, he saw his leg was lacerated, so he did what anyone would do: stitch it up himself and go to a pub. He wrapped a towel around his bleeding leg while he continued to drink. Pretty baller move.

U.S./Cuba Relations Re-open - After 50 years of a pointless, idiotic policy of punishing Cuba for being Communist, the U.S. announced they are going to thaw the long-standing frosty relations. Cuba will again be a vacation destination, and a more valuable member of the international community. I’m sure cigar aficionados will also be thrilled.

Shitty

Everything about North Korea - The People’s Republic of North Korea has been a joke for years, but now they have reached the level of self-parody. Their leader Kim Jong Un leaves the spotlight for a month, only to be found later, hobbling around on a cane after an attack of gout and/or an eating binge. They hacked into Sony Pictures, leaked several films, and a metric ton of the executives’ correspondence, then threatened a 9/11-style attack on the U.S. if the film The Interview was release in theaters. It was released to way more attention than if North Korea had said nothing about it. The 9/11-style attack never happened. Finally, the U.S. government stated it would respond to North Korea’s hacking shenanigans in kind, with North Korea threatening an apocalypse if this happened. After their internet was shut off, North Korea called President Obama a monkey. That’s it. That was their big threat. North Korea is the national equivalent of the boy who cried wolf.

Russia Invades Ukraine - All hail glorious leader Putin! Comrade Putin, out of the kindness of his heart, decided to unite the people of Crimea and Russia by invading Ukraine. They innocently annexed Crimea just like Hitler innocently reclaimed Austria. Putin’s provocateur’s continue to battle it out with Ukrainian forces, and they even shot down a commercial jet. Putin denied all involvement, and, let’s be honest, nobody believes him for a fucking second, and he knows it. Russia has started a modern war they thought they could get away with it, but only alienated themselves from the rest of the world in the process. Thanks a lot, Tsar Putin.

The Colbert Report Ends - After 9 years on Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert ended his show. He will be taking over The Late Show on CBS once David Letterman retires. I’ve been a longtime fan of Colbert, and I’ve been watching his show since the night it premiered. I’m very happy for him. However, I’m also extremely disappointed. His show was satirical and subversive, and provided humorous, intelligent discourse into the affairs of the world. Colbert could get away with anything from testifying to Congress about migrant workers, bashing President Bush to his face, and creating his own Super PAC. If his own network told him not to do something, he would go ahead and do that thing. I shudder to think of Colbert on CBS, with him doing lame standup and pandering to two guests pimping their current movies. Blargh.

Ebola Will Kill Us All - If you don’t live in one of the African countries affected, chances are, Ebola isn’t going to kill you. 24-hour news networks would beg to differ. They want you to cower in fear, and continue to stay tuned so they can generate ad revenue. 24-hour news networks are like the North Korea of the journalism world. They talk a big game about scary stuff that will kill you, but ultimately nothing ever materializes.

CNN Can Only Cover One Story at a Time - Malaysia Airlines flight 370 seemed to be the only news story on CNN this year. To be fair to CNN, they also talked about race riots in the U.S., ISIS/ISIL/Whateverthefucktheywanttobecalledthisminute, and Ebola. So, they covered a grand total of 4 news stories this year. Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, guys.

Death Eaters Take Control of U.S. Government - OK, so Lord Voldemort hasn’t taken the presidency yet, but his cronies now control the U.S. House and Senate. If that isn’t one step closer to total evil domination of the world, I don’t know what is. The only person worse than Voldemort running the country would be Putin.

Well, another year has come and gone. 2015 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.

I recently watched a documentary that chronicles a year in the life of four professional Santa Clauses. It provides an inside look at what these men go through in an entire year. January through September are lean, boring, lonely months. From October onward, Santa Claus suddenly comes in demand. These men make a lot of money for just two months’ work leading up to the big day.

The four Santas are very different. There is Lonely Santa, Gay Santa, New Jersey Santa, and Swinger Santa. Each has a vastly different lifestyle. What we see is that these are regular guys with the same problems as everyone else. The movie also includes WWE wrestler Mick Foley, who has been obsessed with Christmas since an early age, and documents his first attempt at playing Santa.

Some of the Santas get more screentime than others. Lonely Santa probably gets the most, as he’s got the most sympathetic story. He’s just a single guy, no family or friends to speak of, who toils away in his basement apartment, clinging to the hope that he’ll get hired on for another Christmas. Living paycheck to paycheck is hard on him, and you certainly feel he sadness.

Gay Santa probably gets the next most amount of screentime. He’s a regular guy from Texas who happens to be gay, and in a long-term, long-distance relationship. The film shows just how difficult it can be to have a long-distance relationship. And because he plays Santa, he doesn’t get to see his boyfriend on Christmas.

New Jersey Santa and Swinger Santa aren’t all that interesting. New Jersey Santa talks about how his personality changes drastically from an angry guy to a warm and loving guy when he puts on the big red suit. He knows Mick Foley, and their stories intersect in an unexpected way. Swinger Santa becomes president of the National Bearded Santa Claus Association (or whatever it was called), and some people disapprove of the fact that he’s a swinger. Other than that, his story goes nowhere. He could have been cut from the film to spend more time on the other guys.

Mick Foley has the most interesting storyline. He loves Christmas, that much is obvious, in fact, he has a room in his house dedicated to Christmas all year round. He decides to play Santa, and through him, we see how one would become Santa Claus. He buys the suit, bleaches his beard, practices his laugh, and gears up for the big holiday. He is great with the kids, and he turns in a wonderful performance as Santa.

The part that hits the hardest is Christmas Day. None of these guys can go out in public, lest they ruin a child’s belief in Santa. If they don’t have family to spend the day with, like Lonely Santa or Gay Santa, they spend the day alone. Lonely Santa, eating breakfast at IHOP on Christmas Day was a very depressing scene.

The biggest takeaway from this film was the fact that all of these guys love being Santa Claus. They love working with children, and they try to make the experience memorable for all the kids, even if it only lasts a minute. If you didn’t like children, you could never play Santa, there is way too much work involved for that.

Unfortunately, this documentary isn’t perfect. One of the guys could have been removed completely, and I would have liked to see a little more time spent on Mick Foley’s transformation, after all, it was his first time playing Santa. There are some pacing issues, especially in the summer months as the Santas are just living normal lives and not doing a whole lot. At times, one wonders if there is a point to this film. It doesn’t seem to have much to say, it doesn’t try to make a point about the injustices of society (like Blackfish) or tell us a thrilling, unknown tale (like The King of Kong). But it isn’t a bad movie by any stretch. The point is to show us that these are regular guys who just happen to love Christmas a whole lot more than the average person.

Overall, this was an interesting film. It’s not going to win any documentary awards, but it works extremely well as a curiosity. If you are a big fan of Christmas, then you will definitely want to check it out. There are many versions of Santa Claus out there, they all love Christmas, and they are regular people, too.

It’s a good sign when a film’s poster contains multiple characters that were not in the source material.

It’s no secret that I despised The Hobbit Part 1, and I wasn’t looking forward to watching Part 2. In fact, I waited until it aired on HBO, because there was no way in hell I was shelling out my hard earned cash on this travesty. And as impossible as it sounds, Part 2 is actually worse than Part 1. Somehow, Peter Jackson managed to pull it off.

To be fair, I will admit that the beginning of the movie was pretty good. The dwarves and Bilbo enter Mirkwood Forest, get lost, are waylaid by spiders, and eventually are rescued. This hewed fairly close to the source material, and ended up being the highlight of the movie. Similarly, the only good scene in Part 1 was the Riddles in the Dark scene, which again, was the only scene that stuck to the source material. Hey, Peterson Jackson, guess what? Following the source material for the whole fucking thing would have been a good idea.

Alas, Jackson fucked shit up even worse than he did the first time around. After the party of heroes escapes the spiders, the movie begins to veer off course pretty wildly. Sure, the basic framework of the book is still there, but the movie is filled to the brim with unnecessary additions like needless dialogue, needless subplots, needless CGI, and needless characters.

He looks CGI, too.

Case in point: Legolas, yes, that’s right, motherfucking Orlando Bloom, shows up in Part 2. He’s one of the elves living in Mirkwood Forest. He wasn’t in the book, and he has absolutely no business being in this film. Jackson tried to justify it by saying that in Tolkien’s books, the elf king was his father, so of course he would be around. Maybe so, but if he wasn’t mentioned in The Hobbit, then he didn’t do anything important, and therefore should not have had any screentime.

Now, if it was just Legolas showing up to kill some orcs, fine, whatever, I could have accepted that. But the subplot in which he’s involved is so mind-bogglingly stupid, it turns out worse than a 12-year-old girl’s fan-fiction. Legolas, one of the dwarves (Sneezy, I think), and some new Elf Bitch invented for the movie get immediately involved in a love triangle. Yes, that’s right, folks. Your beloved, nearly 70-year-old fantasy/adventure book, now has a subplot worthy of any series on the CW. Sneezy and Elf Bitch pine for one another, and Legolas broods in the background, jealous, but too angsty to say anything.

And it’s totally weird that Bloom is heavier than he was in the Lord of the Rings films. He isn’t fat, but he’s certainly rounded out in the years between films. So, if you watch The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings in chronological order, Bloom will de-bulk. Did he go on a diet? Did he stop taking HGH? Did he start doing coke? Who knows? Maybe they should make another film explaining all this!

Stealthy escape scene not exciting enough for you? Don’t worry, the 47th battle scene will happen in just a few moments.

Like Part 1, Part 2 fails horribly because of Jackson’s insistence that everything become an epic battle. In the book, the dwarves escape from the elves hidden in barrels going down a river. Well, apparently that’s not exciting enough for Jackson. So, he makes sure to tack on a 15 minute battle sequence to the river escape. Orcs appear out of nowhere to kill the dwarves, and the elves show up just in time to save them. CGI combatants jump around shooting CGI arrows, swinging CGI swords, and falling into a CGI river. It’s absolutely disgusting how pointless the scene is, and how it does nothing but stretch the running time on an already threadbare film.

Speaking of CGI, the thing I hated most about Part 1(well, most is debatable since I hated pretty much everything about it) was that the orcs were all CGI instead of humans in costumes. Part 2 makes the bizarre decision to have half the orcs as CGI and half as humans in costume. The humans in costume look great, and are a welcome relief amongst the sea of shitty CGI. However, they tend to stand out even more because so many of them are obviously fake, mixed in with the real ones. It would have been better for Jackson to just pick one (CGI or costumes) and go with it. He should have at least been consistent. The fact that he couldn’t shows he is a weak director.

Peter Jackson’s profits from this trilogy.

The final sequence, Bilbo interacting with Smaug the dragon, should have been epic. It should have built slowly, with mounting tension, as they play a game of cat and mouse. For a time, they did that, and the scene was engaging. Unfortunately, Jackson once again added yet another action sequence where the dwarves somehow figure out a way to rapidly manufacture liquid gold (*faceplam*) and douse Smaug with it in an attempt to kill him. Obviously, it doesn’t kill him, because that never happened in the book.

The movie finally blunders to a close, and now we all await Part 3. I didn’t think it was possible for this film to be so terrible. There are maybe 45 minutes of actual story in a 3 hour film. The rest of it is pointless garbage, only present to sustain a three-picture contract between the movie studio and Jackson, so both can make as much money as possible. Their quest for money created a greater cinematic desolation than Smaug ever could.

Justified is nothing if not consistent. It consistently provides some of the best stories on TV. Once again, we journey to Harlan county, although this time with the first detour to Florida since the first episode. Raylan goes head to head with the Crowe clan. The Crowes are the dumbest, most bumbling group of redneck criminals of all time. Despite their idiocy, they manage to pose a significant threat to the good people of Harlan. Raylan does his usual shtick of talking tough and quick-drawing on bad guys. He’s a fairly straight-forward character, it’s true, but you know exactly what you’re getting with him. The person you can never be quite sure about is Boyd. Once again Boyd weaves his way in and out of the lives of the other various characters in Harlan county. This season sees him travel as far North as Detroit and as far South as Mexico on his quest to become a drug kingpin. Boyd probably kills more people this season than in any previous. Despite him being a despicable criminal, he has so much damn charisma, it’s impossible not to root for him. The biggest surprise this season was that Boyd’s relationship with Ava became the driving force behind the story. The fifth season of Justified continues full-steam ahead, bringing awesome, complex tales week after week. The best part, as always, remains the lively cast of characters.

Verdict: Awesome

Louie Season 3

I’m not sure what sort of glowing praise I could write about this series that hasn’t already been written. Louis C.K. remains at the top of his game in the third season of the show that he writes, directs, edits, and stars. That’s a lot of heavy lifting for one person. But with near total creative control, he manages to stick to his vision resolutely. It pays off nearly every single time. Each episode is funny, insightful, and somehow tragic all at once. He experiments more with long form storytelling this season than in the previous two. He features a long arc in which Louie is recruited to shoot a pilot to show if he has the right stuff to replace David Letterman. This late night “mini-series” was by far the highlight of the season, and David Lynch was a treat as the “mentor” (if you can call him that). Louie continues to grow, continues to take risks, and continues to pay off in spades. It is one of the best comedies on TV.

OK, we need to have a talk. A serious talk. Why don’t you sit down over there?

*takes deep breath*

I heard you were doing something you shouldn’t be.

*holds out hand to stop a response*

I know, I know, you were probably just experimenting. And that’s OK. When I was your age, I experimented with stuff, too. You’re young, and you want to explore the world. Maybe you want to experiment with the same sex, or drugs, or a different religion. You know what? That’s OK. That’s how you discover yourself and become the person you are going to be as an adult.

*crosses arms over chest*

But there is one thing you should never experiment with. Something that, if you get involved with, can lead you down a very dark path. You might never come back from it.

*narrows eyes*

I heard from a friend of yours, that you…

*sighs*

…were thinking of starting your own cinematic universe.

*withers a bit and leans back in chair*

I know it seems like a good idea, I get that. Marvel really blew everyone away with their cinematic universe. Nobody could have guessed that they could make separate movies with Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, and Thor, and then put them all in the same movie together and make it work. Honestly. Nobody saw it coming. And when it worked, damn, did it ever work. In fact, it worked so well, everyone else wanted a taste.

*sits upright in chair*

Next it was DC. I guess that makes logical sense. They have Batman,Superman,Green Lantern, and all those famous guys. If it worked for one comic company, why wouldn’t it work for another? Sure, they were doing it backwards with the team up movie followed by the individual ones, but it wasn’t absurd. It was OK to cut them some slack.

*adopts a serious tone*

But that wasn’t the end of it. Then Sony decided they should make a Spider-Man cinematic universe. Unfortunately, they only have Spider-Man and his villains, so it’s going to be a pretty small universe. I can’t believe they think they can hold up a series of films like that. But you can’t save everyone, you know? Some people just have terrible ideas.

*sighs again*

Then Fox jumped on the bandwagon. They have more characters, sure, but now they just look like copycats. They want to do a team-up with the X-Men, The Fantastic Four, and maybe some other obscure characters they hold the rights to. Most of their characters are ones the general public doesn’t care about. They are not going to make it. But sometimes you can’t grow unless you learn from your own mistakes.

*puts arms down, wrings hands together*

Have you heard enough yet?

*doesn’t wait for a reply*

I’m sorry, but this is for your own good. You need to know everything.

*looks down for a moment, then back up and continues*

Now, the Hollywood studios are going to make a Jason Bourne cinematic universe. They are going to tie together a perfect trilogy with a sub-par sequel, and take a giant shit on everything they’ve created so far. And after that, they announced plans for a Godzilla/King Kong cinematic universe, one so mind bogglingly stupid, that I don’t even know how they could make more than a single film with it. Then, the new Dracula movie is going to start up Universal’s monster-based cinematic universe with Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and all those guys. Sure, they already did that a long time ago, but now they’re bringing it back. Also, Dan Aykroyd, probably in the midst of a diabetic fever dream, said he thought they could create a Ghostbusters cinematic universe. Well, now things are just getting absurd.

*wrings hands, sheds a tear*

And that’s not the worst of it. Another studio announced plans to create a Robin Hood cinematic universe. Robin Hood? Really? One movie, sure. A trilogy, OK. But an entire universe? They just don’t have the characters or stories or public interest to sustain such a thing. What they hell are they thinking?

*composes self*

I hope I didn’t scare you. That wasn’t my intent. Well, OK, maybe it was. But you need to know what you’re getting yourself into. Cinematic universes are serious things. They shouldn’t be entered into lightly. You need careful planning, forethought, evidence that it can be sustained. You can’t just decide to make a new cinematic universe and expect it to automatically be popular.

*stands up*

Not everything needs to have sequels, you know?

*claps you on the shoulder*

Like I said before, this is a dark path, one you might not ever recover from. You need to think this through. I just want you to know that, no matter what happens, I’ll always love you. Please, for me, give it a second thought. We really don’t need any more cinematic universes.