i feel this calmness. i feel almost empty. but not in a bad way. in a relaxing way. it’s weird tbh. but it feels right. this is what it feels like to be ready. i’ve been suicidal for about 7 years and i’ve had some pretty bad days when suicide urges were sky high but it was never like this. i wasn’t ready then. but now… now i am.

i wanted to make this post so i can kinda leave my footprint in the world you know? i wrote my suicide notes but i still have things to say but not to the ppl i wrote to. i think this is the way to let go of everything. i’ve been on the site quite a few times but i never made a post so excuse the messiness of this one, it’s bc my head is a mess. bare w me.

my name is sylvia. i am 18 years old. i struggle with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, anorexia (restricting subtype), orthorexia and maladaptive daydreaming. i’m not diagnosed, nor have i ever been treated for any of it.

the first time i started noticing symptoms of depression was when i was 12-13 (can’t remember exactly). this is also when i started having suicidal thouhgts. i’ve had anxiety for most of my conscious life. pretty much since i remember myself. i developed anorexia when i was 14. hit a bmi of 12.4. then attempted recovery which led to orthorexia but it was good, i was gaining weight. this year i relapsed w ana again. current bmi – 12.2. been dealing w maladaptive daydreaming since summer 2016.

i don’t understand the world tbh. i am an atheist so i don’t believe in god and tbfh i don’t know why ppl believe in god. they say that he is good and loving and if u open your heart for him he will be w u and protect u blah blah blah. if he is so powerful then why do innocent ppl die. why does he let that happen? why do children get killed by their parents for being gay? why do innocent ppl get stabbed on the street? why are there ppl suffering from terminal illnesses like cancer, lukemia, AIDS? why are mental illnesses a thing? why can’t he snap his fingers and make it all go away? idk if he can but he certainly hasn’t. he isn’t that great after all huh?

i am a science girl. a science enthusiast. i love biology.

i also love singing. i was bullied for my voice but i practiced lots and i improved.

i want(ed) to be an actress. i can cry on cue and i am very emotional person so that would’ve helped me too.

(do i write in past tense??? i’m confusion. do i still want those things? idk..)

i have a twitter acc. i am part of the so-called stan twitter. i stan a lot of celebs. i love them so so much. i won’t even try to list them bc they’re A LOT. absolutely adore every single one of them.

i’m not a girly girl. i don’t like skirts and dresses. i prefer being comfy. i love hoodies, sweatshirts, sweatpants and leggings. i love wearing caps. i prefer straight hair to curly hair.

i love watching movies and tv shows. i can binge watch whole seasons in one sitting. i loved reading (before my mental health started messing up w my concentration and i had to stop).

i am very passionate about human rights, women’s rights & lgbt rights. i can’t stand racism, homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia. if u don’t love and accept ppl for who they are do the world a favor and jump off a cliff. love is love. all skin colors are beautiful. all sexual orientations and genders are valid and deserve respect and acceptance. i am pro choice bc i believe that women have the right to choose what to do w their bodies. ***** is power. mind your uterus.

i don’t condone any kind of abusers and predators. rapists and beaters disgust me. i despise them. they deserve the worst.

i wanted to do so many things w my life. i wanted to sing, act, be a mental health advocate, inspire others, raise awareness, use my voice for things that matter.

where i live mental health is not taken seriously. talking about it is not something normal here. no one talks about it. this is why i didn’t get treatment. there is no help here. no real help. in june a boy that used to study in my school shot himself. do u wanna know how ppl reacted? they were shocked. shocked that someone would do something like that. they blamed him for causing pain to his parents. they thought he was being selfish. they didn’t asked themselves how he must’ve felt. they didn’t try to understand how much he must’ve hurt and suffered. they didn’t question his mental health. why? bc it’s not important to them. bc mental health doesn’t matter to them. and that is the exact response i will receive after they get the news that i killed myself. they’ll blame me for not thinking about my family. i do think about my family. my father is abusive (physically, emotionally and mentally). my mom too (physically and mentally). i hate my father. i don’t call him “dad” i cringe everytime yikes. my mom cares tho. not much but to some extent. she isn’t a bad person (like my father) but she is a bad parent. she should’ve divorced him a looong time ago. they argue daily, yell at each other 24/7. he had hit her, he has tried to kick her out. she should’ve divorced him. but she didn’t. i have a sister. we fight a lot but also love each other very much. i don’t want to hurt her. i hope she won’t be mad at me. i don’t want to hurt grandma either. i love her so so much. i miss grandpa. so yeah i do think about my family. i do think about mom, grandma and my sister. but they didn’t think enough for me. i’m not selfish. i’m just hurt. i have my own demons, my own battles they don’t know of yet. and i’m sorry to do this to them but hey life is unfair. to me, to them and to everyone else.

justin bieber has a song called purpose. the outro of the song is spoken, he gives a small speech. there he says:

“We weren’t necessarily put in the best position to make the best decisions. You can’t be hard on yourself for it, these are the cards you were given so you have to understand that’s not who you are. You know you’re trying to be the best you can be, but that’s all you can do”.

this pretty accurately describes my situation. i wasn’t put in the best position. if things were different, if i was born elsewhere maybe i could’ve followed my dreams and maybe i could’ve been who i wanna be. if. the thing is i don’t know how to play w the cards that were given to me. life really is a game. and some of us lose. i lost.

i apologize to the ppl i’ve hurt. i hope they will forgive me one day. i hope they try to understand. this is not their fault. i’m just tired. tired of living like this. tired of not being happy. i’m mentally exhausted. beyond exhausted. i just want to be at peace.

2 Comments

I understand not wanting to go on, feeling exhausted by it all. And no one can convince you to do so if you’re sure you don’t want to.

The first question I would have is: do you know, from the point in life you are now, that the rest of your life will be like this?

I presume you’re still very dependent on your abusive family? Still linked to a pressurized school mindset, and yet to establish yourself fully as an independent adult? Could that change? And if it did, and you got some distance from it, might that change your perspective on your life? Might there be some way of transitioning from where you are now to a point where you’re no longer so consumed by such concerns? And might there be some outside resources that could help you get to that point?

I think those are the things I’d want to weigh up, if I was in your position. But only you can answer them. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.