Monday, December 31, 2007

Being worried, nervous and anxious all the time is simply exhausting. Last night, my breasts stopped hurting and I didn't feel pregnant at all. I worked myself into a nervous lather as a flood of negative thoughts rushed into my brain.

Now, the logical part of my brain knows that it's normal for pregnancy symptoms - especially breast tenderness - to come and go throughout pregnancy. But the emotional part of my brain just lost it last night; I barely slept at all, tossing and turning and being worried. I am finding this aspect of my persona impossible to control. I want to blame my anxiety on the fact that we went through a miscarriage last summer, but truthfully, I am just a worry-wart by nature. I know that. Of course, the miscarriage experience does not help matters.

This morning I woke up and I still don't feel much different. I don't know what's going on, but I'm trying not to let it get the better of me. I think, deep down, I feel positive and confident...but I'm finding those good feelings can be so easily overshadowed by the horrible ones.

The ultrasound is only 48 hours [update: now 24 hours] away. I go from being confident to nervous to terrified, and all the way back around, on a minute to minute basis, it seems.

Please send some good thoughts/vibes/energy/prayers our way in hopes that we will see a nice, strong heartbeat on Wednesday morning. I'd really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

I woke up this morning, feeling fine. Came downstairs, fed the cats, checked my email, went back upstairs to get dressed and...VIOLENT GAGGING! I'm sure I would have thrown up if I had any food in my stomach.

After I calmed myself down, I had some breakfast and have felt fine again ever since.

So here I am - 7 weeks today. Never have I experienced such a combination of elation and anxiety in almost equal parts. I am so incredibly happy to be here; it sounds corny to say but every pregnant day that passes feels like such an amazing gift. The word "grateful" is such an understatement. All I care about is that our baby is healthy, strong and growing, and all my thoughts, actions and decisions are a reflection of that.

D is convinced I'm showing already. I tried to explain to him that it's impossible this early; that what he's seeing is a combination of bloating and the little belly that I've always had, but he is not convinced. It is absolutely adorable how excited he is.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Yesterday, I decided to walk up to Robson Street, Vancouver's shopping district, to search for after-Christmas bargains. I had a nice time, dropped in on a friend, bought a few odds and ends, nothing special. I had a lovely time all by myself.

While I was out, I was overcome by the most intense sense of gratitude for finally being pregnant. I can't explain the feeling, other than to say that it was overwhelming. I spend so much of my time feeling nervous, anxious and scared over every little thing, and it was so nice to feel involuntarily positive for a while. My breast hurt, I had a nice bloat going, and I couldn't have been happier.

On another note, this morning I woke myself up at the tail end of a naughty dream that ended with a, um, very real happy ending. Crap! Not again! I don't want to do anything that could put Scrappy in jeopardy and I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen. Everything I've read says that generally speaking, orgasms in pregnancy - even early pregnancy - are considered safe, but somehow this is not reassuring me. This probably sounds really silly, but I've really worked myself into a panic. I desperately hope my little Scrappy is okay.

Damnit! It will be an ice cold shower before bed for me tonight...

In other embarrassing news, I am most definitely NOT constipated, which I understand is a very common complaint during pregnancy. Not to say that there's anything wrong per se, but I am - for the first time in my life - extremely regular. Like clockwork. This has been going on since just before the IVF and has continued until now. Not that I'm complaining. I just find it odd.

Oh the things you're learning about Hilary today. Aren't you glad you checked in on my blog? Think of what you would have missed if you hadn't!!

And the nausea: Still very minimal, but I do think it exists outside of my head. It only happens a small handful of times throughout any given day, and consists of 10-15 seconds of feeling gross. I usually feel like gagging, which I do sometimes, and then it's over. So far, I have had no problems eating or anything like that. I suppose I should consider myself lucky, but I'd still prefer to be reassuringly barfy.

Cravings/Food Aversions: None so far. Well, sometimes the smell of coffee is gross, but not all the time. I haven't really had any cravings except for protein and vegetables. What really sounds good to me is eggs, cheese, meat. It's a bit odd because usually I am a carb lover, but lately I'm totally off bread and anything sweet (except for fruit). I think this has more to do with the fact that I am acutely aware of what I'm doing to my insulin levels, rather than it being a true "craving". In other words, if someone told me that tree bark was good for pregnancy, I'd probably feel like eating it by the wheelbarrow full.

Tomorrow I'll be 7 weeks along. Our first "heartbeat" ultrasound is coming up on Wednesday. I am so nervous. Make that terrified. Please don't get me wrong - I'm beyond grateful and thrilled to be coming up on 7 weeks. I am just hoping so hard that Scrappy is doing well and we get to see a nice strong heartbeat on Wednesday. Oh PLEASE let us see that beautiful heartbeat!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I haven't thrown up since my last post two days ago, but I have had bouts of feeling a bit "off". Over the last two days, I seem to find myself in random waves of nausea, and maybe some gagging; and after a few minutes it's gone. Also, I've noticed that I rarely feel sick in the morning before breakfast when my blood sugar is low; more commonly, I feel sick about 45 minutes after a meal. Can't quite figure that one out. All I can say is I think I'm weird.

Breast tenderness has gone down considerably over the last few days, but they do remain somewhat sore to the touch. And they are still huge and quite veiny.

Other than that, I'm still peeing A LOT, but really I have no other tried and true pregnancy symptoms. I suppose at some point, I will either get used to the the symptoms or they will subtly come and go to the point that I just stop noticing "symptoms" and just start being pregnant along with whatever that has in store for me on a daily basis.

At first, the inconsistency of my symptoms and the fact that they seem to fluctuate every day worried me somewhat; but the symptoms always seem to come back eventually - sometimes in an hour, sometimes in a couple of days. I seem to be consistently inconsistent.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

It's a Christmas wish come true! 8:35pm = vomit! I never thought I could be so happy about barf.

Even though it's possible the aforementioned event was a product of my will, I think it might have been genuine because I didn't even make it to the toilet. We had just got home from dinner, I walked in the door and before I could even take my coat off I was throwing up in my gloves.

I've been spoiled this Christmas. Truly spoiled. And on top of everything, I'm pregnant. Finally pregnant. The best Christmas gift ever.

Of course, despite my elation over this, I woke up this morning and found myself unusually nervous. Now I have been, well let's just say it - paranoid - over every little thing during this pregnancy, but this morning was different. An overwhelming feeling of doom set in and I've been distracted by it all day. And now I know why: This is exactly how far along I was during my last pregnancy when we lost the baby.

It doesn't help matters that my breasts didn't feel *quite* as sore this morning as they have been thus far, and gracious Scrappy has continued to spare me from any morning sickness. I have felt slight waves of what might be construed as possible queasiness, but that's about it. It's been so vague, I can't tell if it's real or in my head.

Despite the merriment and festivities of the day, I have been distracted. Subconsciously praying moment to moment for the safety and health of the baby. Trying constantly to push the constantly creeping negative thoughts out of my head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, SCRAPPY? I wish there was some way you could let me know you're okay.

For now, I guess I can take some solace in the fact that I'm not bleeding, cramping or spotting; and if I look deep inside, I know I have no real reason to worry. For that, and for being lucky enough to find myself over 6 weeks pregnant this Christmas, I am extremely grateful.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Scrappy has continued to be ever so polite, with nary a symptom to let me know he/she is busy growing. Well, actually that's not entirely true. My breasts have continued with their soreness, which seems worse at night. I do have the occasional wave of queasiness - but this is something I can't quite confirm; as mentioned in earlier posts, I have a naturally strong gag reflex so it's not uncommon for me to feel queasy - and therefore I can't tell if what I'm feeling is real or a product of my will. On the other hand, when hunger comes on, it comes on strong. Needing to eat has become a sudden and urgent priority.

I have also noticed that smells are slightly enhanced, and not in a good way. For example, yesterday, D was eating Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream and watching TV whilst I sat next to him. The show was funny, and he kept turning towards me and laughing. Well, his breath smelled like chocolate and I found it to be so offensive that I forbid him from laughing for the remainder of the afternoon. I really don't think I ever would have noticed something like that before.

Other than that, not much to speak of, maybe just the occasional mild cramp, twinge, bloating. Nothing too uncomfortable. In fact, if I weren't paying such close attention, I might not have noticed anything at all.

I may indeed regret saying this, but I really hope that morning sickness strikes soon, and good. Nausea was never something that I felt during the pregnancy that we miscarried, and for some reason it's become symbolic of a healthy pregnancy to me. I realize that many healthy pregnancies are without nausea but I'm still hoping for at least a little upchuck.

At the very least, I am comforted by the fact that even though my pregnancy symptoms have been fairly minimal, they are still more than I felt last time by far. And it's still very early.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

I hope you've enjoyed your stay in my uterus so far. I've certainly loved every second of having you with me.

You've gone relatively easy on me so far, and while I appreciate how polite you've been, I wanted to let you know that you may certainly feel free to do your worst; I am quite prepared to happily contend with any and all pregnancy symptoms you feel like dishing out.

Your first ultrasound is coming up in only 11 short days, and that's when we hope to see your sweet little heart beating strong for the first time. Your daddy and I are very excited.

In the meantime, if there is anything more I can do to nourish and protect you, and make your stay more comfortable, I hope you'll let me know. You, little Scrappy, are the most important thing in the whole universe to your daddy and me, and we will do anything, anything at all, to keep you around and growing strong. We love you more than anything else. So please stick around for at least another 239 days or so, and grow grow GROW. I promise I will make you so glad you did.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Aside from the constant frequent urination, I feel completely different from day to day.

My breast tenderness comes and goes throughout the day. Right now, for instance, I feel nothing. But last night, they felt a bit sore with slightly sharp pains behind the nipples. I never know what to expect when it comes to my knockers. It literally changes minute to minute. They are, however, still huge and veiny.

5 weeks is when you're supposed to be exhausted, right? I was super tired last week but this week I'm full of energy. I'm forcing myself to sleep as much as possible because I know the baby's organs are starting to develop this week; but truth be told, I just don't feel that tired. It doesn't help that I am having a hard time sleeping at night because D snores like nobody's business. I swear it is so loud and obnoxious, I don't know how he doesn't wake himself up.

As far as nausea, it hasn't hit me yet. I *might* feel a bit queasy from time to time but it's hard to tell. I'm not sure because I have such a strong gag reflex anyway (just thinking about something gross will make me gag) that I can't tell if what I'm feeling is genuine - or if it's just a manifestation of my desire to have morning sickness.

So there you have it. 5w4d today and sometimes I feel pregnant and sometimes I don't. I know my HCG levels are rising, but I don't know how pregnancy symptoms are related. I know it's still pretty early - I guess only time will tell! Each day is certainly a new bodily adventure...

Dr. T says this is "great news". This is the best Christmas present ever. I couldn't possibly be happier!

There is not a lot of good news about slow rising betas on the internet. For the past few days I've scoured the web looking for stories of success and haven't really found any. So I hope that anyone who is going through the stress and worry of a slow rising beta or a beta that isn't double, finds this blog and sees that there is hope. Granted, a slow rise can, and often does, mean bad news; but not always - miracles can and do happen. Sometimes those little embryos just need a bit of time to "catch up". There really can be GOOD NEWS for slow rising betas.

With all my heart, thanks again to everyone for all your support over the last week. I am terribly exhausted and ready to stop stressing, at least for a couple of weeks.

Next milestone: Our first ultrasound on January 2nd!

I am so proud of Scrappy right now. Scrappy is officially un-grounded.

Grateful doesn't cut it, but I think you guys know how I feel right now.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I spent the morning waiting for the results and when Dr. T herself called to deliver them, I was fairly certain we were in the for the worst. But to my surprise, she said, "Have you heard about your beta results? They were out of this world!" To that, I just started sobbing. Then she told me something that made my heart sing: "It looks like this is a viable pregnancy". Viable. The most beautiful word in the English language.

I asked her if we're out of the woods now, thanks to our good results, or if I still need to be worried. She replied that we could "relax a ton" but would still need to be a tiny bit worried because, as she said, "I don't ever tell my patients to relax in the first trimester." Fair enough.

My next beta is tomorrow (Wednesday) morning and the numbers need to be in the 4700 range. Truth be told, I really don't want to have another blood test. After what we just went through, I'm scared to go again. But then again, if Scrappy and I can make it through the first three tests, then we can make it through one more, right?

Monday, December 17, 2007

THANK YOU everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers. I am beyond grateful to announce that THEY WORKED!

My beta this morning was 2385!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My last beta from two days ago was 852 - that's a doubling time of exactly 2 days! Right on the money!

I'm beside myself with happiness, joy and relief. I can barely type this as I'm shaking with excitement. I will post more details later. I'm going to meet my mom now for a celebration lunch! In the meantime, take a gander at this:

PS- I'm so proud of my little embryo for pulling through. Because of its perseverance against all odds, we've decided to nickname our little one "Scrappy".

I just went for my third beta and now I am anxiously awaiting the results. We should hear something within the next 5 hours or so...

I've never been so terrified.

When I went in for the blood test, the nurse tried to console me as I was sobbing from the moment I walked in. She was very careful not to give me any false hope. She basically told me to prepare for the worst, and if the news is good it will be a "Christmas Surprise". I would give my left arm for a "Christmas Surprise" right now.

She said my HCG levels need to be around 2000 or higher.

Thank to everyone who has commented this weekend with kind thoughts, prayers and support. It was truly appreciated.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

My third beta was moved to Monday morning. I was informed that the fertility clinic's lab doesn't process HCG blood tests on Sundays.

I'm finding it hard to get my mind around all that's happened. We went from getting nothing but great news with this pregnancy to receiving potentially the worst news ever. I go back and forth - sometimes I'm confident that my little embryo will "catch up" and other times I fear the worst. What a mindf*ck.

It's amazing how everything can change in the blink of an eye.

I'm constantly scanning my body for pregnancy symptoms but at this point, I think that anything I find will be a product of my will. I can't trust anything my body is doing right now.

This is some of the hardest few days I have lived through. Treading the border between hope and despair on a moment-to-moment basis is exhausting. I can't think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.

Every fiber of my being is hoping for this embryo to pull through. It's all I want in the whole world.

And I will say this: If this baby makes it through all this, it is so grounded for at least two weeks after it's born for giving it's parents such a scare.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

She said that there is a 50/50 chance that this is a viable pregnancy, based on those blood test results. She said that it could be indicative of a pregnancy that will miscarry or possibly an ectopic pregnancy.

The fact that I feel completely un-pregnant at the moment, with practically no symptoms to speak of, is not a good sign.

I will go in for another blood test tomorrow and my levels will need to be in the 1600 range or we will know our answer.

I'm trying to stay hopeful but I'm finding it near impossible right now.

It's now Saturday morning and I'm still waiting for my doctor to call. She did send me a brief email last night saying essentially not to worry too much about my slow rise. But somehow that has not made me feel better. At all. Everything I've read is such bad news.

Yesterday was an awful day. My crying turned into sobbing, which turned into full blown wailing. That same familiar feeling when I lost my baby last time. I feel defeated, heartbroken, devastated and defective.

D came home later and we proceeded to get into a huge fight. We're both on edge I guess. It was horrible. I ended up going to bed at about 8:00pm and dreamed all night about divorce, miscarriage, dead relatives and other terrible things. I woke up not feeling the least bit pregnant anymore.

Today I feel numb. I'm scared to feel hopeful and am much more comfortable bracing myself for the worst. My doctor should be calling me sometime this morning, and I'll repost with an update after she calls.

I would give anything, anything in the world to have this pregnancy be viable.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

It's 4:15am as I type this. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep because I was too hungry. I'm sitting here at my computer as three confused cats wondering about their breakfast circle my desk.

This sleep weirdness has plagued me for the last few nights. I am so tired by 8:00pm, I can barely keep my eyes open. And then at around 2 or 3 in the morning - ding! - my eyes pop open and I feel hungry and restless and excited to be pregnant.

My breasts are huge by the way. I know I've mentioned this before but I don't think I've made it clear just how enormous they've become in only a few days. I must have gone up a full cup size already. And they're veiny. And quite sensitive too. But that sensation seems to go in and out; sometimes I wince in pain when they brush against something, and other times I'm just merely aware of them. How can I not be aware of them? They're massive, honestly. Part of me wants to post a photo, but of course, this is not that kind of website!

Sometimes I get so excited thinking about my baby that my heart starts palpitating.

I am loving every second of being pregnant. I feel so lucky. So. Incredibly. Lucky.

I went for my first beta this morning - results should arrive via phone call from the nurse either this afternoon or tomorrow. She said at 4w3d, they want to see a beta of at least 100.

So, being the freak that I am, I went to Safeway and bought the most "unresponsive" home pregnancy test that I could find. I was hoping to find a test that measured HCG at 100, but the best I could do was a Safeway brand test that measures 40. I guess everyone wants the "early" tests these days.

I took the test home and did my thing with it. It came back positive, but not darkly so, as I had hoped. The line was kinda "medium" at best. So we know that my HCG is at least at 40, but is it at 100 yet? Inconclusive. I wish I had a less accurate test to try. I never thought I'd say that!

So I guess now I wait for that call that lets me know what's what. Such exquisite torture.

Regarding symptoms, I really haven't noticed much. I know it's still early. My breast tenderness from a couple of days ago is pretty much gone. Any tenderness that remains is likely due to my constantly pinching and poking at them to see if they're sensitive. I had quite a bit of mild sharp cramping yesterday but that seems to be gone today as well. I am more tired than usual; I went to be last night at 8:30pm. Lastly, when I'm out and about in the world, it seems like everyone is wearing loads of perfume and cologne. I thought this might [hopefully] be because my sense of smell is heightened, but then again, maybe everyone really IS wearing perfume and cologne. I guess I shouldn't expect to feel much this early...but I can't wait until I do!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I realize, being very newly pregnant, that I am thinking way too much about the details. It is still so early. But if there is one thing that has caused me some worry (which prompted me to make a feverish appointment with Dr. Google), it's the waxing and waning of my symptoms.

For example: Two days ago, I had some fairly intense cramping. Nothing I couldn't handle, but definitely noticeable. I remembered this cramping from the first time I was pregnant and it comforted me somewhat to feel it again. But yesterday, I felt practically nothing. Maybe the odd twinge, but it was so minimal.

Yesterday, my breast were quite sensitive and full. I excitedly anticipated the same feeling today, maybe worse, but when I woke up I noticed nothing. I feel like I could punch them and it wouldn't hurt. They still feel larger than usual, but not the least bit sensitive at the moment.

Monday, December 10, 2007

I tested again this morning. Two different brands, two blaring positives. My first beta is on Wednesday, second is on Friday, and I'm trying to reserve excitement until after I know those results. I know more than anyone that a positive test is only the first step.

But I must admit that underneath my reserved exterior I am secretly thrilled about this. Actually I don't even think thrilled covers it, nor does elated, ecstatic, beyond grateful, or over-the-moon happy.

Yesterday I started noticing some symptoms that I am sure are related to *ahem* my condition (I'm still not quite ready to say it out loud). During the day I started noticing my breasts. Not because they were sore or uncomfortable per se, really I was just aware of them more than usual; they seemed to be large and in the way. On closer inspection yesterday evening, they are definitely bigger. Definitely. And a bit more veiny than usual. Of course my skin is like pale parchment paper - you can usually see my entire respiratory system at work. However, I definitely noticed it more last night.

By the time I went to bed, my breasts had become a bit uncomfortable and sore enough that I had trouble sleeping on my stomach. I tossed and turned most of the night. Partly because I was excited to test again, partly because I am excited about this recent development (the situation, not the boobs) and partly because I was ravenously hungry. I resisted a trip to the kitchen for a few hours and when I couldn't take it anymore, I finally had some peanut butter crackers around 3:30am. That's when I tested again.

I went out to lunch yesterday with L (7 months pregnant) and I told her the news. She gave me some really good advice that I'm going to try really hard to follow. She said: You have no control over this process. None whatsoever. Just try to relax.

She's right. All I can do is keep myself healthy, get plenty of rest, and enjoy the ride. And that, my friends, is exactly what I'm going to do.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

...I tested early, I was going nuts, I couldn't help myself...I'm trying to keep a level head here as there is a possibility of there still being HCG left in my system from the trigger shot. But for now, I think I might be...I might actually be...well, you know.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The last couple of mornings, I've woken up with sore, tingling breasts. The feeling goes away almost instantly, but I distinctly remember this sensation from when I was pregnant before. I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now because I haven't wanted to give it too much attention; it could be caused by practically anything under the sun.

I bring it up now because this morning I woke up, expectant and excited to feel that familiar sensation and...nothing. Then I started feeling discouraged. What does it mean?

Notably, my breasts have become bigger of late (I think). D says he has to recuse himself as from being my impartial breast judge because as he says, "it's been so long since I've felt them I don't know how to compare." Poor D. He hasn't had sweet lovin' lately.

Other than this breast drama, I have continued to have practically no symptoms to speak of. If today is 8dp5t (equivalent to 13dpo) shouldn't I be feeling something by now?

Four WHOLE days until I can test. Am I going to last that long without self-combusting? If I do, it'll be a miracle.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Today is a good day. Although it's freezing outside, the sun is shining and the air is crisp.

I haven't felt any symptoms since the avalanche of two days ago. However, my acupuncturist reminded me at yesterday's appointment that there are usually no early pregnancy symptoms to be felt until at least after a positive test. Somewhere in my brain I know that; it's just hard to remember those kinds of details when I'm constantly subconsciously scanning my body for any sign of new life.

Today is 7dp5dt. I've been fairly successful at putting thoughts of peeing on a stick out of my head for the most part; but when that urge hits me it comes on strong. All and all, I feel pretty good today, though. Despite being cross-eyed and a little bonkers from the 2WW, I'm pretty much okay.

I have to get ready to go to a funeral now. My great-uncle passed away earlier this week. He was 84. It's a sad occasion but a nice distraction (I hate to say) from all that's going on in my head these days. It's nice to get out of my head for a while.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Ya know how just yesterday I was whining that I had no pregnancy symptoms yet? Well, last night I received a bounty - the MOTHER LOAD of pregnancy symptoms.

Disclaimer: Who knows if what I'm about to describe actually points at a possible pregnancy. Every single one of the following symptoms could easily be attributed to anything else under the sun. They probably mean nothing at all, but at this point in the 2WW, I'm taking them as a good sign.

Around 7pm yesterday evening, I started feeling a monster vice-grip headache coming on. I don't know if this actually counts as a possible pregnancy symptom, or just a product of not drinking enough water or being slightly cross-eyed these days. By 7:30, the headache was in full force. I felt awful.

When it was time to insert my Prometrium, that's when I noticed some very very VERY light brown spotting. I don't think I would have ever seen it had I not stuck my finger up my hoo-ha. When I say light, I mean LIGHT. Then I started wondering if the combination of the spotting and the headache, a classic premenstrual symptom for me, meant my period is on the way.

I started to feel really awful. I was experiencing mild "hot" cramps, almost like heartburn in my uterus (I've had these before), as well as some slight nausea (I think due to the headache). I could barely make it through America's Next Top Model before I announced I was headed for bed. By this time, I was feeling like my period could definitely be starting.

After I went to bed, I suddenly got ravenously hungry. I was so hungry, it bordered on nausea and I could barely get to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I kinda expected to see my period. But it's still not here (THANK YOU GOD). Usually, once I start spotting, it's a slippery slope to a full blown bleed. So far I've managed to stave it off, if only by force of will. I want to believe this all means something, and part of me does, but the fact is I've been pumping myself full of tons of hormones and based on that - nothing means nothing and anything means anything. But I must admit, it's encouraging. Anything's possible at this point.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Yesterday, I said I was too scared to test. Today, it's all I want to do. It's way too early though - at 5dp5dt I still probably have some HCG left in my system from the trigger shot.

So yesterday I made the decision to start testing Saturday. But when I ran this idea past D, he said I should ask my doctor about it first and get her 2 cents. I'm glad I did that because this was her response:

"Hi Hilary - don't test now as it will be positive because you took the hcg injection. The earliest you could test is about 10 days post-transfer but if it's negative at that time it may not be. Make sense?"

What she's basically saying is that I could test at 10dp5dt (Monday) but it may still be too early, even then. So, much to my displeasure, I will stick to my original test date of next Wednesday - a whole week from today. It's going to be a long wait.

I don't feel ANYTHING. All the things I thought I might have felt a few days ago were likely due to the progesterone. I know it's still early but I can't help but feel discouraged. Part of the reason I wanted to test as early as possible is because I thought it would give me the longest amount of time to recover from the disappointment of a negative test before I have to go back to work.

Yesterday I made a pie chart in Excel to remind myself what 64% looks like. How crazy is that? Truthfully though, it did make me feel a bit better to see our chances of success make up the better part of a pie.

I gotta say, I'm no good at this whole "uncertainty" thing. It's a massive mind f*ck. I need a hobby!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Thanks to everyone who left those wonderfully soothing comments in response to yesterday's post. You guys don't know how much it helped.

I'm much better today. I'm starting to get the urge to take a pregnancy test, but I know I won't. I don't have the courage yet. I'm supposed to test on December 12th (next Wednesday) and I don't even know if I'll have mustered up the intestinal fortitude by then either. I will be devastated if the test is negative. I'd almost rather not know than see a negative test.

My confidence goes back and forth. I have moments where I feel like I could very well be pregnant and other moments where I can't see how it could be possible. I think the latter is a sick form a self protection. Even though I realize that thinking like this doesn't protect me from anything. I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility that this IVF did not work.

But all in all, I feel pretty good. To be honest, I'm trying not to think about it at all. Of course that didn't stop me from Googling the night sweats I've been having (possible early pregnancy symptom?) this morning. Yes, I broke my rule again. Ah I can't seem to resist the lure of Dr. Google...

The truth is, I don't really feel much different. A few twinges here and there. And D says my boobs are bigger and the areolas appear slightly darker. And the night sweats. But all of this is totally subjective and/or can be explained away by the high dose of progesterone that I'm on. I wouldn't mind getting my hopes up a bit but I don't have much to base it on yet. Hopefully that will change. I'd give anything to suddenly manifest a big obvious early pregnancy symptom. I'm only 4 days past transfer...anything could happen, right?

Monday, December 3, 2007

All the information from the fertility clinic clearly states that intercourse and orgasms MUST be avoided after transfer. I was so upset that I unintentionally broke the rules. Obviously, I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. I was/am pretty concerned that I might have done something to effect our chances of success.

I emailed my doctor and told her what happened. She replied that it was fine, but somehow I am not completely reassured. I would be devastated if I unknowingly did something to jeopardize my little embryo.

I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it, but I must admit it's on my mind. I just keep picturing that poor embryo in sudden earthquake of uterine contractions. Poor little guy. I hope everything is OK.

What a weird thing to post about.

[Update: Bygones. There's nothing I can do about last night's *clears throat* "nocturnal event", so there's no point in worrying about it. Right? The doctor doesn't seem concerned so there's no point in me freaking out either. What's done is done. Notably, this panic did send me into a seriously frenzied internet search hosted by none other than Dr. Google, thereby breaking my newly imposed rule. I slipped up, it won't happen again. Really! It won't! (I see the glint of doubt in your eyes.) Anyway, it is what it is. My little embryo, besides being jostled about and already privy to some hot XXX action, is probably fine in there (knock on wood). I hope the rest of this 2WW goes a little smoother...]

In an effort to stay as calm and relaxed as I can throughout this process, I'm laying down some strict (albeit temporary) internet rules for myself.

As many of you know, I tend to get carried away with Dr. Google and searching other blogs for symptoms and experiences...For me, this behavior straddles unhealthy obsession.

So, while I'm in this 2WW, I am limiting my internet usage to writing in this blog, sending email, and online shopping.

I apologize in advance for my short leave of absence with regard to my comments on other blogs. I hope you all know that you guys mean the world to me and I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me and continue to provide. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. I'll be back and commenting up a shit storm on your blog before you know it. You'll think you've got a new online stalker.

But for now, dear friends, I've got to do what I've got to do in order to preserve my sanity. Thank you so much for your understanding.

Yesterday was a ridiculously fret-filled day. I didn't spend all day biting my nails and rocking back and forth or anything, but I was strongly concerned about a few things. Namely (and in chronological order):

1. I was worried that I didn't take my progesterone properly. I was told to insert it by way of my nether regions as it is absorbed better that way (sorry TMI). Well right afterward, I took a shower and then spent a good three hours afterwards wondering if it might have fallen out.

2. The sofa had gone all diagonal and the cushions had gone all wonky (due to me planting my arse on the same spot everyday this week) and when I discovered this, I "bumped" the sofa back to its rightful spot using my legs and tugged at the pillows using my arms. Then I wondered if I overexerted myself. I wasn't panting after this or anything, but it was more physical action than I've done all week. I spent about an hour wondering if I've disrupted the embryo's implantation process.

3. I emptied the dishwasher mid-day. I also wiped the counter and cleaned up a bit in general. I started noticing some very light cramps while I was doing this. I often feel aches coming from my ovaries since the retrieval but this cramping was definitely coming from my uterus. Of course this made me wonder what was going on down there. I immediately sat down on the couch and remained there for the rest of the afternoon.

4. I had some leftover Thai food for dinner tonight. Specifically, Cashew Chicken. I didn't think the chicken was organic, and I knew that going in, but then I started wondering where they got the chicken (China?) and was it medicated? I had to stop eating it.

5. L and S (our good friends) came over last night and we watched the Best of Will Ferrel Saturday Night Live DVD. We also constructed a gingerbread house and between these two activities, I laughed SO HARD. I was having a grand old time until I started wondering if all my laughing was causing my poor embryo to be shaken about. I then instructed my friends that they were not allowed to make me laugh for the rest of the night. That's when they showed me a dancing cockatoo video on YouTube. I lost it, it was so funny. And then I proceeded to spend the rest of the night regretting laughing so much.

I am fully aware that all this stuff sounds ridiculous. But if you can't be honest in a blog, then what's the point? It's just that every single action I take has brought on new meaning; every single thought I have revolves around my little embryo. It's a whole different kind of obsession than I have ever experienced before. I imagine it will just get worse over the next, say, 18 years, if I'm lucky.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

I hope you're finding your new accommodations warm, cozy and welcoming. I want you to know I've been taking painstaking measures to make sure that my uterus is up to your high standards. Your wish is my command so if there is anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, I do hope you'll let me know.

I greatly apologize for the sneezing incident that happened a moment ago. I usually try to stifle my sneezes in an attempt to keep you from being shaken and jostled about; but unfortunately this sneeze escaped my lips so suddenly that it could not be stopped. I regretted the sneeze the instant it happened.

I hope you'll partake of the abundant riches and amenities my uterus has to offer and please do make yourself completely at home. My only request is that you'll stay around for a while, say, how about nine months or so? I promise in turn, to provide you with copious amounts of balanced nutrition and quality rest. You and your happiness, my darling embryo, are my first and foremost priority.

You may find this odd, considering I only met you about 24 hours ago, but I love you so much already, little embryo. I love everything about you. All I want in this world is for you to be happy and healthy and strong. If you could do me the honour of sticking around so that I can have the opportunity to give you the world on a silver platter, I would be eternally grateful. I promise you'll have the best life ever, so please take off your coat, unpack your suitcase, and stay awhile.