A STRATEGY FOR THE REINVIGORATION OF THE AMERICAN REPUBLICAN PARTY: SOME MODEST PROPOSALS

People of Earth, it is looking bad for the American Republican Party. Reliable polls show that 19% of Americans now identify themselves as Republicans, compared with 48% just half a year ago.

How could this have happened?

And it is getting worse. Recently Arlen Specter – a long-serving moderate Republican Senator – became a Democrat. Even Joe the Plumber announced that he is leaving the Republican Party. You know things are bad when the GOP has become “too creepy” for Joe the Plumber.

The GOP is devolving into a “rump party” – i.e., a political party that, due to rigid ideology, becomes isolated from the main currents of national American life. Traditional “family values” Republicans should be very concerned about becoming a rump party, primarily because of the gay jokes it will inflict upon the GOP.

The Republican Party is shrinking because mainstream America no longer listening to the Republican message. Instead of developing a new, more relevant message, leading Republicans are shouting the old GOP message louder and louder, leading to bizarre results.

The new Republican voter.

For example, Republican political leaders have just gone crazy opposing new federal hate crime legislation that includes “sexual orientation” as a category.

Here is how the new law would work: let’s say you punch someone in the face. That is a crime called battery. But under the proposed federal law, the penalty for that crime would be enhanced if you call your victim a “fag” before hitting him.

The Republican Party snapped into action to oppose this bill. Speaker after speaker in the House of Representatives forcefully warned that, if this new law is passed, it will “chill free speech.”

“So-called ‘hate crime’ laws actually serve only one purpose -” said Kevin Theriot, Senior Counsel for the Alliance Defense Fund, “- the criminalization of citizens based on whatever thoughts, beliefs, and emotions they have that are not considered to be ‘politically correct.’”

Mr. Theriot is wrong and anyone with half a brain knows it. The new law does not punish people for their thoughts or beliefs. Even if the new law passes, every American will still have the God-given right to hate anyone as much as they want. The new law doesn’t discourage you from walking up to any homosexual and saying “I hate you because you are a homosexual.” The law doesn’t discourage that – but it does discourage you from punching him or her in the face after saying it. The law does not “chill” speech, thought or feeling. It chills assault.

And that’s the problem. The Republican Party isn’t opposing the new law to protect free speech – the GOP is against the new law because they want to protect your right to punch a homosexual in the face because you hate homosexuals.

The Republican base.

This does not play well with the “post-Bush” American electorate. The vast majority of Americans do not hate homosexuals, don’t care if they can get married, and can’t understand why the GOP seems hell-bent on promoting hate by opposing laws that discourage acts of violence motivated by hate.

“It has nothing to do with hating homos,” explains the Reverend Trip Knuckles, an Evangelical Christian. “Our opposition to the new law has everything to do with discouraging our children from choosing the homosexual lifestyle,” said, Knuckles. “Fewer kids will decide to become gay if they are afraid they might get lynched if they do. The new law undermines that fear by discouraging violence against homosexuals. And that’s bad.”

Bad craziness.

Arlene Smedby, Chairwoman for The New Republican Majority, sees a different answer. “In the beginning, we hated blacks,” Smedby said. “ And that worked great. Then came the Civil Rights movement and the American people stopped listening to segregationist slogans and passed laws against lynchings. But the GOP adapted, replacing blacks with communists. When the Cold War ended, the GOP adapted again by targeting homosexuals. Gay bashing has had a good run, but now it is time for the GOP find some other group to hate.”

Other leading Republicans also advocate reform. “We risk losing our national political influence if we refuse to change with the times,” said Track Hemplin, unemployed rodeo promoter. “I recommend we embrace homosexuals – not too close, of course, because you don’t know where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing – and refocus on hating illegal immigrants, especially the ones who refuse to learn English,” Hemplin concludes.

The perfect choice because they are powerless.

“Studies show that Americans will hate illegal immigrants just as much as they used to hate and fear blacks, commies and homos,” said Trig Smythe, just some guy waiting to buy crank outside of a Wasilla 7-11. “Hate is a traditional Republican unifying force. But exploiting hate can be tricky. We depended on enough people hating blacks, liberals and people with foreign sounding names to win the last election. We didn’t realize how few people hate blacks, liberals and foreigners, even if their middle name is “Hussein.” But I think we are on to something with illegal immigrants because they don’t speak English.”

A force for political unity.

“English is the American National language,” said SarahFan, an anonymous blogger. “I just want to punch people in the face who don’t speak English,” he/she/it said.

Will the GOP find a new group to hate before the party collapses? Only time will tell.

Are there enough left-handed people for them to hate? Could that do the job, do you think? I’m just suggesting alternatives here. I agree that non-English speaking migrants are probably an easier target… but it never hurts to have backup, does it?

It is your old pain in the ass, TP. I need to hire you for your services if you are able to provide. Please email me at tunasticsmusic@yahoo.com. If you cannot help me perhaps you can point me in the right direction?

What about red heads? Red heads are naturally angry and this would just light a big, angry fuse. Their righteous anger would boil over into violence and the GOP could say “Look at those crazy red heads. Always making with the trouble and the violence. Let’s kill them.”
Otherwise there’s always Belgians. Who gives a f**k about Belgium? Except a few beer making monks and some Eurocrats, no-one gives a tinker’s cuss for Belgium. Yeah, Belgian-bashing would work for the Republicans. (Get the beer recipes first).

I don’t know why these people can’t learn to speak our national language, really! I had to ask my daughter who has to take Spanish to graduate from our fool leftist high school to figure out what this fool Anna was trying to say. Well here it is:

I can help the new Republicans. My love, so beautiful with red hair, is from Belgium and I come from Mexico. We have papers because we paid the coyote 5 thousand pesos. My love writes with her left hand and I am a nice fat lady. I don’t understand “thinky” but possibly we can learn, we went to university.

There is no work in Mexico.
Is there a Republican that has work for us?