Friday, September 26, 2008

Holy Sith!

Yesterday, we decided to take my parents on a once-in-a-lifetime culturally significant trip while they are in America.

So…yeah, we went to Wal-Mart.

Actually, we went because we were grocery shopping and the Wally-World is directly across from our usual supermarket. Mum wanted to by some bedsheets to take home with her because apparently they’re much cheaper here.

I, of course, nipped off to the electronics section to see if they had any Wii consoles in stock. They didn’t (as I expected), so I asked the guy in the very fetching blue vest when they’d have some more in. Here’s the conversation:

“They normally come in on Tuesdays, but not every Tuesday. If they do, they usually come in around 12 and we have them on the shelves by 1.”

“Great, I’ll check back on Tuesday. Is there any chance I can reserve one?”

“No, we can’t do that because we’ve have about three thousand reservations, and we only get ten or twenty at a time.”

“Well, any chance I can leave my number and get a call when you get some in?”

“We can, but there’s no point. We can’t call until they’re on the shelves, and if they’re on the shelves at one in the afternoon, we’ve sold out at five past.”

“Crap. Can you believe they’re still so rare two years after launch?”

“Yeah…and to be honest, if I were you, I’d just wait until February or March. With Christmas coming up, they’re only going to get rarer. There’s a guy who still comes in every week and he’s been after one for his daughter since last Christmas.”

I wasn’t the happiest person in the world.

On my way out of the electronics section I saw the stack of 360’s and PS2’s that were taunting me from behind the glass. I realized that I had enough money in my wallet to get a 360 and a new game.

So I went to find my parents still in the bedding section and said “I really need to get out of this store…I’m feeling weak.”

You see, I’d actually prefer a 360 to a Wii, but settled on the Wii because I know Sunny wants one as well.

We got outside and I mentioned my moment of almost-weakness to Sunny.

“…but if I got a 360, you’d kill me.” I said.

“Why?” She said, looking puzzled.

“Because you want a Wii.”

“Pffft.” She shrugged. “How often do I play videogames? Get whatever you want.”

“Uhhhhh….really?” I said.

“Yeah, I don’t care, as long as I can still do the fishing bit in Zelda on the Gamecube.”

Long story short…I bought a 360 and “Star Wars: Force Unleashed.”

I haven’t played it much yet. (I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it…my parents come all the way from England and I sit in front of the TV, play the 360 and tell them to read a book or something).

Well, saying that, I had to try it out…You know, to make sure it works.

I know most of my readers aren’t crazy into gaming, but the first level of The Force Unleashed has one of the best unintentionally funny moments right on the first level.

Ok, here’s the thing:

On the first level you play as Darth Vader. You’re on Kashyyk, home of the Wookies, hunting down one of the last of the Jedi Knights.

So Vader is obviously royally pissed because through that first level, you totally ruin the Wookies’ shit. Force-throwing them off ledges, chucking boulders at them and generally breaking everything you see.

You finally track down the rogue Jedi and lay a Death Star sized beat-down on him. Once you’ve made him your bitch and commented on his mother’s sex life and your role in it, you get a cutscene.

Vader’s decided the old classics work the best, so he’s holding the Jedi off his feet in a force-choke.

“You are not the Jedi I sensed!” Vader growls. “There is someone far more powerful here. Where is your master?”

The defeated Jedi, realizing that this is not only his moment to shine but also a perfect opportunity to finally use his Drama degree… he starts channeling Captain Kirk.

Then, in a moment that ‘OMGWTFBBQ’ was invented for, Vader’s Lightsaber is whipped out of his hand and he turns to see a five year old holding it. The kid’s looking at it like it’s a very interesting new toy he doesn’t know how to work yet.

“NO!!!” Screams the Jedi. “Run!”

“Dad!” Shouts the little boy, having never seen a Starwars movie.

At this point, Vader decides he doesn’t have to put up with this shit, so showing a lot of concern for the young boy’s emotional welfare, he crushes his Dad’s throat without even looking at him, before throwing him through two buildings with a dismissive wave of his hand.

He turns and looks at the boy, who after watching this eight foot cloaked nightmare whip his dad like a sissy bitch, only now looks like he’s figured out Vader might not be a very nice man.

Showing incredible acting skills, Vader looks at the boy with his expressionless black mask, and somehow manages to still look thoughtful. He obviously got his drama degree at a different college to the now dead Jedi.

Then, winning ‘The Intergalactic Worst Timing Ever Award’ an Imperial Officer and three Stormtroopers burst in. Then, not happy with is Worst Timing award, the Imperial Officer decides to make a play for the ‘Total Lack of Good Judgement’ award.

Let’s pause this mental movie here for a moment to analyze this situation. Let’s put ourselves in this officer’s shoes.

You’ve just burst into a destroyed building and see the freaking Dark Lord of the Sith looking thoughtfully at a young boy who is holding the aforementioned Dark Lord’s Lightsaber. Now, a normal person would size up this situation like so:

a)Vader is showing this young boy his Lightsaber, so probably has some kind of special interest in him.

b)The young boy has somehow taken Vader’s Lightsaber…which means that not only does the kid come under the heading of ‘Not To Be Fucked With’…Vader probably isn’t going to be happy if the story of a toddler nicking his Lightsaber gets back to his underlings.

Therefore, the correct course of action would be to completely ignore the boy and ask Vader what your orders are…that would give you at least a 50/50 chance.

Instead, this genius decides the best course of action is to barely glance at Vader, and signal the Stormtroopers to shoot the little kid for no reason…because that’s just how the Empire rolls.

As you can probably guess, Vader reacts even worse than he does when an Admiral accepts full responsibility. He force grabs his Lightsaber back, blocks the blaster bolts and punishes the officer and stormtroopers in a very final way.

Then we fast forward, and the young boy is all grown up, and having somehow forgot that Vader was the one who performed an amateur throat-ectomy on his dear old dad before throwing him through a building…has become Vader’s secret apprentice.

This story has a moral. Avoid Dark Lords of the Sith, and if you do find yourself in a room with one…don’t do shit without his say so.

Bridget : I spent the whole day running around most of SC looking for one, and got told the same thing everywhere. "We don't have any in, we MIGHT have some next week...but don't hold your breath."

Evanesce: I definitely will get a Live membership...but I think that's a ways off yet.

I got the 'Arcade' version Xbox...the most basic version, so to get on Live, I'll need a $100 wireless adapter (Unless I want to run a wire across the full length of the living room), about another hundred for a HD, then the actual Gold membership and a multiplayer game.

Comes to more than I paid for the console....so it'll be sometime next year... if I'm lucky.

That being said, I'm not really a fan of FPS's on consoles, I'm too used to the keyboard and mouse controls on the PC, so while I'm pretty good at CoD4 on the PC...using a control pad feels totally alien.

Oh, and I don't wanna drop $60 on CoD4 when I already have it on PC.

I'm trying to talk my Dad into getting an 360 and a Live membership so we can play Tiger Woods next year...don't know how you feel about golf games.

Oh, and I think my next purchase for the 360 is going to be Guitar Hero anyway :-)

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Who writes this crap?

Moved from The UK to the USA to be with my beautiful wife. Been here for over six years, and still complaining about the heat. My hobbies include being angry, opinionated and saying "You know what pisses me off?" I also enjoy writing and trying to be funny.
I also did the voice for the Ninja Crab on 'Finding Nemo'