SERIES ONE

JELLY AND BLIZZARDS

Sean insists that he didn't lead a girl on when she leaves him a message, a knock on the door suggests that a prediction about jelly might be true, and a script from Samuel Beckett mentions a date with the girl he loves.

"I've been burgled! I've been bloody burgled! They've taken me anti-burglar device! And me coleslaw, what are we going to do for afters?! And they've taken the front of me house!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S1E2

BADGERS

Sean wakes up after a night's drinking to find a woman asleep in his bed, Barry the Pub takes it badly when somebody walks off with his wife, and an agency actress explains that she's been hired to make Susan jealous.

"She said, 'Well you don't look too handsome with the lights on,' I said, 'Well, you were the one who insisted we do it in the fridge.'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S1E3

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Sean asks Tony to build a shed when he's told not to smoke in the studio, feelings of loneliness and depression see the Suicide Squad burst in, and six months in America allows time for his note to be turned into a book.

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GREEK HOLIDAY

Sean asks Tony to cover for him when he finds something nice in Greece,
the stand-in reveals that he's fallen for and wants to marry Susan, and a visiting Italian pen pal starts shooting at anyone who has an Irish accent.

"And you got that wrong. There's a load of mistakes in the script this week. You've obviously messed it up. You know like, for instance, you know when you walked in there. See, look in the script, it says, 'Tony enters with loads of confidence'... not cornflakes."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S1E5

GORDON

Sean tries to get prepared for the arrival of his long-lost 12-year-old son,
reading a diary from 1977 brings back memories of a bad Christmas, and news that his dad is dying means taking a very short trip to the hospital.

"I was a rebel, I was. I used to rebel against my parents. I remember once when they went shopping, I ran upstairs and turned on the immersion heater for an hour. Didn't even use it. I was crazy."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S1E6

BLIND DATE

Sean decides to take back control of his life by writing the script himself, a disagreement with a new flatmate demonstrates the power of the pen, and the regular writers sneak into the flat while he's fighting in the pub.

"Susan was supposed to get that letter, which means Susan got the letter that Angela was supposed to get, the really mean one where I said I hoped, hoped she had a rotten life and that one day she'd do up her cardy and she'd put the second button in the last button hole. Oh, I was mean, yeah!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S1E7

DISAPPOINTED FROM DUBLIN

The burglars want their stuff back when Elton Welsby hits a rough patch, Barry the Pub worries that he'll be the next character to be killed off, and moving ahead fifteen years to get over Susan only leads back to Angela.

"Look, Angela, will you leave me alone please. I did not lead you on, ok? All you ever think about is ME ME ME ME ME. Think about yourself for a little bit will ya?!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

THE SECOND SERIES HAS NEVER BEEN RELEASED ON DVD

SERIES TWO

FEAR ITSELF

Sean panics when a psycho killer escapes from a film that he's watching, three killed off characters unexpectedly return for the second series, and a search for higher ratings sees the Golden Girls invited round for dinner.

"Barry. The folks really like the name. We're all called Barry, even mum."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 7

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S2E2

I'M WATCHING

Tony's sudden horn issues lead to strange desires for household objects, God sends someone down after witnessing a homosexual reference, and a new job as a petrol pump attendant sees Sean turn up late for a party.

"The only thing I could ever do was open beer bottles off radiators, which really impressed people. But it's a real bummer having to bring a radiator to a party with ya."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2TOTAL: 4

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S2E3

DON'T EAT MEAT

Sean falls in love with a woman who comes in with carburetor problems, Bobby's resigns after being sacked for making unwanted changes, and a chicken and a lamb avoid being cooked by suddenly coming back to life.

"Oh, I've just remembered, I've got some Chinese takeaway in the deep freeze. I don't want a horse running around."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2TOTAL: 4

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S2E4

TEA WITH AGATHA

The police finally look for Bobby's killer after being forced to wait a week, Sean finds himself in a prison cell after he's arrested for being Irish, and Tony and Mrs. Pebbles comes up with very different ways to get him out.

"If only. I'm sharing with those two guys from Birds of a Feather."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2TOTAL: 4

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S2E5

GREAT SOCKS

Sean's Catholic guilt gets in the way when Trudy suggests having a baby, Barry tries to sabotage the relationship by planting evidence of an affair, and Tony casually reveals that he's got a wife and two oddly named kids.

"It's no problem really. It's never been Catholic guilt that's been my problem. It's just that I've never really gotten over the fact that my penis looks like Bobby Charlton."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2TOTAL: 4

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S2E6

DINNER PARTY

Sean's forced to share a hospital bed after an incident at a dinner party, Tony and Barry's versions of events fail to shed light on what happened, and Mrs. Pebbles uncovers the truth when she puts on Crime of the Day.

"No, you can't kill me. Look at this jumper I've got on! It doesn't suit me, does it? Imagine being found dead in this. It's a disgrace! At least if you're going to kill me, let's swap jumpers."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S2E7

MY MUM CAN SING

Tony's told to put a bet on Palace winning after giving away the storyline, Barry reveals that he has done his Christian duty since finding Jesus, and Sean goes to meet his real mum after discovering that he was adopted.

"There's so many questions I want to ask you, mum, like who's my real dad? Why did you put me up for adoption? How do you get scrambled egg off a saucepan?"