How to Become Doctor Who's Companion

Dearest Reid
After watching hours of Doctor Who, I want to be a companion. How does one find the Doctor?

Unfortunately, and please don’t get upset with me, I have yet to watch any Doctor Who. It’s on my list! A young man only has time for so much. That being said, I’d imagine getting in touch with this “doctor” is a similar process to getting in touch with any doctor: contract a flu, and wait for your mom to call him. Doctor Who is about a surgeon with amnesia, right? Right?

But becoming a doctor’s companion takes more than just meeting him and getting prescriptions for flu-drugs. Ideally, you’ll need to work up some impressive doctor flirts. Schmooze it up! Flirt, but do it doctor style.

“You have a PhD? Well, I have a BuTT, and you just got an honorary degree in it.”

“Let’s get dinner, Friday at 7 pm sharp—don’t be TARDIS.”

“You’ve got two hearts, how about you give one to me?”

Alright, I lied, maybe I do know a little about Doctor Who, but that is the extent of my knowledge. Oh, and the Sonic Screwdriver, but I couldn’t figure a way to work that into a flirt pun without sounding racy.

FROM: NinJas_are_Mi

Dear Mr. Reid,
I continue to hold back myself during class discussions, even when I want to rant for hours and hours. Is this even healthy?
Thankfully yours,
Ninjas

Ninjas, I am sad to say, but this is far from healthy. Swallowing your words can be extremely dangerous! Words are supposed to be let out, shouted, inflicted on strangers you meet in public, yelled at birds and rocks or whatever else makes you mad. Stockpiling words inside can lead to a toxic buildup of grammar tar, lingual residue, and wordpox. You may already be infected, so look out for these side effects: dry mouth, nausea, occasional naps, 8 hour daily “night-naps,” mouth breathing, and nose breathing. If you notice any single one of these, start speaking as soon as you can for as long as you can. If not treated quickly enough, it may lead to the worst possible conclusion: thinking things through before you say them. Don’t let this happen!

FROM: cece_fredzilla

Reid, why is Mother Nature punishing the East coast? I mean, we just had Sandy last week, and now we're being pounded with a nor'easter at the moment! (It's SNOWING here!)

I don’t know a lot about meteorology, so I’m temped to say … clouds? Or maybe … wind … fronts? Scientifically, I can’t be sure.

But if you want my gut instinct, I would say it’s because of wind power. Think about it, we’ve been utilizing a lot more alternative energy sources lately, and each year we do more, the stranger weather seems to get. People need to know this: windmills hurt the wind. All that spinning, flapping—it slaps the wind! Wind is like Mother Nature’s hair, and we’re building machines to pull it; is it any surprise she’s upset? If we want better weather, we need to drop all this alternative, holistic, wishy-washy energy business. Let’s be real Americans and buy coal.*

*paid for by the American Coal Council

FROM: ShazamBam

Hey Reid, I just started lifting weights. Of course that's made me incredibly sore. How to get rid of the soreness so I can move on with my life?

A lot of doctors or smart-people may have some explanation as to why you feel sore, but let me tell you: they’re all wrong. The reason you’re sore? Demons. Demons are trapped inside your body, thrashing around, trying to get out, but they’re stuck.

“Reid, I don’t understand, why are there demons in my body?”

Demons are always there—they’re the reason we swear, think bad thoughts, drink tea, and watch NBC. Your problem is that you haven’t been exercising; you’ve been exorcising. Lifting weights is very similar to some of the exorcism protocols as outlined in the Roman Catholic Exorcism Rite, but it’s not quite enough to finish the job. See the whole thing through! After each workout, drink a whole bottle of holy water, which will help loosen things up a bit. After that, repeat the following Latin phrase: “Vos translatus est. Opus bonum. Amplector ego vestra permaneat.” This should clear things up in a jiffy.

That's it for this week! If you have any questions or concerns that could use advice, leave them in the comments and I'll answer them next week.

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About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.