Surreal Kev Reviews…https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com
The not so serious movie blogWed, 16 Aug 2017 08:40:48 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngSurreal Kev Reviews…https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com
The Green Inferno (2013)https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/the-green-inferno-2013/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/the-green-inferno-2013/#commentsSun, 16 Jul 2017 20:27:52 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=280Read More The Green Inferno (2013)]]>Just to note the following review may contain spoilers. I’ll try my best not to but they might slip out!

Eli Roth. Some would call him the horror maestro. What I found shocking is that as a director his CV is a bit on the short side. He has 15 credits as a director on IMBD but that’s including shorts and TV. The Green Inferno (2013) was only his 4th full length feature film. He has since done Knock, Knock (2015) and has two future films planned. He’s definitely more prolific as a producer and has produced films I didn’t even know about. Not that I actively go out of my way researching producers and what they produce. I do have a day job, I promise!

I remember reading about The Green Inferno in Empire magazine (I think, don’t quote me) many years ago and even then it sounded disturbing but also intriguing. And then it just vanished from my memory. As you can see it was supposed to come out in 2013 but didn’t actually come out until 2015! Why did it take two years to release? Well I did some digging on the web and the film was delayed due to the production company running into financial difficulties. So it was just left until Blumhouse Productions picked it up and gave it a theatrical release in the US. The UK however got left out. Other than a few festival showings it never got a run in UK Cinemas. The only reason I came across it again is because it’s recently been added to Netflix. Only a small 5 years after it was made!
The Green Inferno is a film about a group of student activists who travel to the Amazon to save the rain forest and local tribes from being destroyed. The group is headed up by the supposedly “handsome” Alejandro, played by Ariel Levy. He comes up with idea of sabotaging the construction site by having the students chain themselves to the diggers and then stream from their phones the destruction. Of course questions were asked around safety and if they could be killed by the local police. To which Alejandro replies, “You know the risks”. It’s not exactly reassuring if you ask me. Before this we were introduced to the main character, Justine, played by the gorgeously gorgeous Lorenza Izzo (Knock, Knock) She has the hots for Alejandro and wants to join the group. Her intentions seem fairly obvious, but as Alejandro has girlfriend it seems to be more around wanting to make a difference and save lives. So now a quick whistle stop tour of what happens next. They get to the amazon, they chain up, they stream, the police nearly kill one of them, they’re sent home, they make the news, they’re trending on the web, they celebrate, the plane’s engine explodes, plane crashes in the Amazon, shit starts to get real.

For the survivors, it isn’t long before they’re sprung upon by a tribe. Who are extremely hostile and start throwing spears at the students, killing a few in the process. The rest are darted and taken away. When they wake they’re being transported by boat to the tribe’s main location. It’s from here where it becomes fairly obvious that the tribe are definitely not nice as we are treated to lovely sights of heads on sticks. A little tip, don’t be eating your dinner while watching this because heads on a stick is nothing compared to what you see next. I’ve seen my fair share of horror films and never had a problem with gore but one scene nearly made me throw up. I thought I had seen it all but apparently not. It really grossed me out. Which I guess is a good thing for the effects team because it was so visceral it looked real, which is the whole point in the first place. But yeah, think I’ve found my gore breaking point!

Other than that scene, the rest of the film is pretty forgetful. There’s more gore of course but nothing noteworthy. It’s more about trying to escape the crazy sonsabitches without being eaten alive. There is a reveal from one character that should have made more impact but to me it was fairly obvious. Other than Justine and Alejandro, the rest of the characters are showing face and don’t do or say much. The emphasis is definitely geared towards the gore and ironically for a horror film that’s why it hasn’t worked. Eli has gone for the shock factor, much like he did with Hostel. Whereas here more character development and less gore would have made a much more grounded film. The phrase “less is more” has never been more relevant. I didn’t need to see absolutely everything in gory detail to understand what was going on. Ariel and Lorenza do a good enough job with their roles but it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. I’d definitely recommend watching Knock, Knock to see Lorenza in a better role.

The Green Inferno is getting a thumbs down from me. I really hope Eli’s future films focus less on gore and more on story.

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/the-green-inferno-2013/feed/2IMG_20170716_212308kevbo61The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/the-autopsy-of-jane-doe-2016/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/the-autopsy-of-jane-doe-2016/#respondTue, 04 Jul 2017 11:01:26 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=274Read More The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)]]>Much like Snakes on a Plane, The Autopsy of Jane Doe is exactly what you get on the tin. It couldn’t be any more simpler. I mean they could have come up with a fancy smancy title but I’m so glad they didn’t. Because sometimes film titles just don’t make sense. I’m all for a simple, straightforward title. I like to know what I’m going to get when I pick up the DVD case before reading the back. I mean look at Sharknado. A tornado that has sharks? Brilliant AND clever. Loved it. Lesbian Vampire Killers? Aside from the film being terrible, it’s exactly what I got. Loved it again. Which leads me to The Autopsy of Jane Doe. A film about, well, The Autopsy of Jane Doe of course!

Brian Cox and Emile Hirsch play coroners Tommy and Austin. A father and son team with the relatively straightforward job (after many years of studying and what not) of finding cause of death until the titular Jane Doe is wheeled in to the practice last minute by the local sheriff. He wants the body to be examined ASAP. The body was found in the basement of a house where four people had been killed. Who by? No one knows. Hence why the sheriff needs some answers for his bosses pretty quickly before the whole thing gets out to the media. Austin, who was on his way out with his Girlfriend, decides to stay and help his dad with the autopsy. What a good son he is. Round of applause for Austin!

So begins the autopsy. And it’s safe to say that it doesn’t go as well as many others have done before. The body very quickly doesn’t appear to be normal, as they come across things throughout the autopsy that they can’t explain. Just think on that for a minute and take in how creepy that is. You’ve been a coroner for years and have seen pretty much everything there is. And then you come across a body where nothing makes sense. Would that not be terrifying? Or would you be intrigued? For me it’s a mixture of both. I’d be very reluctant to carry on, but finding out more would definitely make me do so. It’s a mystery after all and it needs to be solved. And that’s what this film does amazingly well. Keeping you interested while watching behind a pillow. Unless that’s just me?

Cox and Hirsch are both brilliant in this film. I’ve seen them in a few things but I’d say this is the best they have been to date. Their relationship is believable and that really helps in key moments throughout. If it wasn’t for their great chemistry then this film wouldn’t have worked. Especially in one scene that really made me think, could I have done that? The director done a great job in keeping me scared and intrigued at the same time. It’s done through imaginative set pieces, eerie lighting and a very creepy score. I mean the film is set in a morgue. It doesn’t get much scarier than that. But it’s all the about score and background sounds in horror films and this one is done so well. I never thought I would hate the sound of a little tiny bell. That’ll make sense when you watch it. The sounds are perfectly placed on the “fake” scares, that still made me jump out of my beanbag chair. Spilling a glass of water in the process. Why do I watch these films at night? I’m just asking for trouble.

I honestly loved this film. It’s creepy, tense, scary, intriguing and has a gut punch of an ending, all in over 90 minutes. What more could you want? I don’t even think it got a theatrical release over here. Which is a huge shame because this would have been even better in the cinema. Its one of them films where you raise your knees in front you before a potential scare. Oh come on, that’s not just me again? Anyway it’s out on DVD and Blu-ray now so you have no excuse not to watch it. It’s got a huge thumbs up from me.

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/the-autopsy-of-jane-doe-2016/feed/0Screenshot_2017-07-03-23-08-29kevbo61Underworld: Blood Wars (2017)https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/06/21/underworld-blood-wars-2016/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/06/21/underworld-blood-wars-2016/#respondWed, 21 Jun 2017 22:01:16 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=263Read More Underworld: Blood Wars (2017)]]>I’m going to be completely honest here and say that this review is going to be pretty awful. And that’s because I watched Underworld: Blood Wars on the 19th January and it feels like a lifetime ago. I have no idea what happened. To the point I’m wondering if I actually watched it in the first place. No I definitely did, because after all it is Kate Beckinsale looking super sexy in a black PVC outfit (sexual fantasy now totally out in the open) and that is something I don’t normally forget. But that is pretty much it. Which I guess that kinda adds to this review as a whole, because when a film is that forgettable it is definitely not a good sign. And for those that think it might just be that my memory sucks, I can assure you that it doesn’t. Wait, what was I talking about again?

So in effect I will be cheating here and using a mixture of Wikipedia and IMDB just to remind myself of the plot. Sorry “plot”. It’s vampires vs. Lycan’s for like the millionth time. Not really a plot. More like a straight up brawl between the two. And don’t get me wrong. I’m all for more Vampire on Lycan action. But there needs to be a story. We’re now in the 5th film in the franchise and this is the first sequel where it feels like it was just made for the sake it. And this is a real shame because up until this point I have enjoyed every single Underworld film. This one seems like it came out of nowhere. It’s no shock that critically the franchise has been torn apart. But commercially there was an appeal. Otherwise they wouldn’t have made 4 sequels. They were obviously doing something right. And as sad as it is that sequels mostly get made to make more money. I really felt that there was loads more story to be had after the first Underworld back in 2003. And a side note, Kate Beckinsale hasn’t aged in those 13 years. If anything she even looks better. She still manages to wriggle in to that spray on black onesie, so she definitely likes to keep herself in shape.

I’m not going to bother going in to a lot of detail here. I’m feeling super lazy so you’ll just have to put up with me. Blood Wars is by far the weakest film in the Underworld Franchise. Because of that I believe we have (very sadly) seen the last of Kate Beckinsale’s Selene. I mean I guess they could do a spin off with a certain character. As it’s no lie that Hollywood loves a spin off. But I don’t think they will bother because quite frankly, who cares? But then now more than ever it seems that Hollywood only care about sequels and prequels and all other number-quels’. Oh and superhero movies. I do love a superhero film but I’ll be lying if I wasn’t getting a little bored of them. Just a tiny little bit. I can hear the groans from you all now like “WHAT! HOW CAN YOU BE BORED OF SUPERHERO MOVIES!” Well you can get bored when the formula of these films gets so, well, formalic (thank you) I honestly can’t wait for shit to get real and for Thanos to kick some ass because the MCU needs it so badly. It’s all too goody too shoes and predictable baddies and endings. You just KNOW the good guy will take a knock, lose confidence blah blah and then comeback and win. It’s why I praise Civil War because the bad guy was really down to whose side was you on. It was refreshing to see and was nice to see the MCU actually go quite deep in terms of character development.

But for me I love films that are completely original and not based any form of comic, book, TV show, advert etc. However it seems like Hollywood doesn’t see them as money makers and therefore genuinely good scripts may just be sitting on the shelves of writers houses gathering dust. And that is very sad. Imagine living in a world where Drive didn’t exist or Whiplash or Birdman etc.

Anyway back to Blood Wars and yeah you can kinda get the idea that it’s just meh. I mean it probably won’t be for you. Everyone is different after all. There is one super cool scene though, which is set up for the audience early on, in where Selene evolves like a Pokémon to an even hotter version, complete with white/greyish hair, amazing fur coat and new kick-ass moves. It’s the highlight of the film and I’d say one of the main reasons to watch it. Hell I’d watch it again just for that bit. But I still think the fourth film, Awakening, is the best in the series. It was hella gory, had great action and the plot was actually quite good. If only all films could be like that!

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/06/21/underworld-blood-wars-2016/feed/0kevbo61London Has Fallen (2016) Reviewhttps://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/06/01/london-has-fallen-2016-review/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/06/01/london-has-fallen-2016-review/#respondThu, 01 Jun 2017 17:50:27 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=259Read More London Has Fallen (2016) Review]]>There are some actors that have just have the so called “X Factor”. In that no matter what they do, they put everything in it to make it as believable as possible. Gerard Butler is one of them actors. He has been a Spartan warrior, bounty hunter, avenging father/husband, love interest, real life video game character and head of security for the president. Granted all of them films weren’t amazing, but what made them watchable was the sheer likability of Butler. When it comes to leading roles that is sometimes all you need to make what should have been an awful film okay. Gerard has fun in all his films and you can easily see that. And I would go as far to say that the films would have been destined for the DVD bargain bucket had it been any other actor.

Olympus Has Fallen (2013) reminded me of the 90’s. Ridiculous plot, massive shootouts, huge explosions and an invincible leading man and it was awesome! It was exactly like the good old days of Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. When a film doesn’t take itself seriously and has fun instead then that’s when film gold happens. Forget the fact it’s cheesy. If I get hilarious one liner puns and everyone having unlimited bullets, then I’m happy. Obviously, this is my opinion but so many movies get the formula wrong. When it comes to action films, they are quite obviously not based on real life. There is no way one man could take down an entire army (Commando etc.) without dying. And there would be no film if the leading man would get killed off in the finale. So, what do you do? You make the character have perfect aim and invulnerability. It’s movie genius! Yeah, he can take odd shot in the arm or leg. But he doesn’t bleed, because he’s a man on a mission goddammit, and he will kill everyone and save whoever it is, and be back in time to catch Deal or No Deal.

Which brings me on to London Has Fallen (2016) the somewhat-unnecessary-but-I’ll-take-it sequel. It’s Gerard Butler kicking ass so I’m going to watch it. Hell, I would watch Gerard Butler fighting an angry bunch of squirrels and it would still be awesome. This sequel pretty much kicks off where the last one finished. Gerard’s Mike Banning, now head of Secret Service, is by Aaron Eckhart’s President’s side, performing his daily duties when suddenly tragedy strikes in the form of the British Prime Minister dying. Obviously, this being a big deal, it’s decided that the leaders of the world should attend his funeral right here good old London. Mike pleads with the president not to go but the president is all about showing face and says he hasn’t got a choice. Meanwhile the baddies are hatching a super-secret plan to kill all the world leaders in one go. And that’s your plot ladies and gentlemen. When shit hits the fan, it’s not too long before Mike is doing what he does best and kicking ass and protecting the president again. And that’s when the film finally gets enjoyable. The action scenes are thick, fast and bloody. Just how they should be. And of course, Gerard cracks some awesome one liners. The best being when Mike is told there is more than 100 terrorists in the building and his response is “Yeah? Well, they should’ve brought more men.”

The next hour of the film is just so good. It’s certainly a lot more OTT than the first but that’s fine. Bigger is better after all, right? Not always. Sadly, it never quite hits the heights of the first film but it sure does come close. I think it comes down to the location. The first one was tense because it was limited to just the white house. Whereas this one literally takes place all over London. Which is nice if you haven’t seen London before but for someone like me who lives 20 minutes away. I want less London and more action! But really, that’s an incy wincy minor niggle. This film is super fun and that’s all the matters. If you like the first and you don’t like the second, well then I’ll eat my hat for dinner tomorrow…

And if you’re already a fan of both well then you may or may not have heard that there will be a 3rd Fallen film! Its titled Pants Have Fallen. Totally legit….

Until next time, Hasta La Vista! Literally no idea what that means…

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/06/01/london-has-fallen-2016-review/feed/0kevbo61Assassin’s Creed (2016) Reviewhttps://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/03/14/assassins-creed-2016-review/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/03/14/assassins-creed-2016-review/#respondTue, 14 Mar 2017 22:56:09 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=254Read More Assassin’s Creed (2016) Review]]>Video games and films. Two very similar types of entertainment that both require the same amount of effort when it comes to making them. You would think that video game films would be a walk in the park, but sadly they are anything but. The storied history of them is brutal. They range from the downright abysmal Street Fighter (1994) to the somewhat, maybe only part decent Silent Hill (2006). There have been loads in between. My personal favourite being DOA: Dead or Alive (2006) not because it was good, not by any means, but because it tried to, scientifically, make us believe that humans could have health bars. I mean, really?

Jumping forward to 2016 and we get the next truly epic attempt at a video game film. This time it’s the open world Ubisoft series Assassin’s Creed. When it was first announced, the whole world was like meh. Myself included. But when Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard were signed on the world suddenly took a quick interest. Not only would the film have Oscar Nominated Fassbender and Oscar winner Cotillard but also up and coming director Justin Kurzel (Macbeth, Snowtown) as the driving force. Some serious firepower indeed for a video game movie. One question was soon becoming the talk of the movie and gaming world, could Assassin’s Creed be the first ever Great video game movie? Well the answer is a resounding no and I’ll explain why.

The Assassin’s Creed game is ridiculous. You play a character who gets to explore the memories of his ancestor using a very high tech machine called The Animus. This machine literally puts you in control of an Assassin, who can parkour up buildings and assassinate people with a secret blade up his sleeve. The game was average at best. Had lots of flaws. Dodgy camera angles, awkward combat and just so so tedious. But it obviously did well because it went on to spawn a million or so sequels. The story though wasn’t even that good. It was mostly about finding this “Apple of Eden” that had supposedly god-like powers. Bad people wanted to destroy the world with it. Good people were trying to prevent it. You get the idea. So even with the great cast and director I still had very little hopes purely because it was based on such a stupid plot.

The film follows pretty much the same story. With added bits, here and there sprinkled throughout. One of the biggest changes is the look of the Animus itself. In the game, it’s like this bed like chamber in which you lie down on to go in to the memories. In the film, it’s pretty much been made in to a theme park ride. Fassbender is given his secret blade gloves (Why?) and then harnessed in to the new animus and gets more than a bumpy ride. This is where the film fails. In among the fight scenes we’re flung from Fassbender kicking ass in Assassin form to him beating up air in the present world. And this happens A LOT. I know he’s in the Animus. You don’t need to keep going back and forth and showing me. It really detracts from the fight scenes with the constant camera changes. And lets face it, the majority of people watching this film are waiting for the fight scenes. Great ones can make a thin plot into an awesome film, just look at John Wick & The Raid. It’s why I am so baffled that they decided to do this with their fight scenes when it could have, maybe, saved the film.

I mean overall, there really isn’t anything good to say about Assassin’s Creed. Saying it’s a huge disappointment is the understatement of the millennium. The script is poor. There’s far too much going on in terms of the story. The action is lacking, and what we do see we don’t really see. Fassbender is lucky that he’s already an established actor, because this would have seriously hurt his career if he was just starting out. Cotillard doesn’t add anything to film. Her role could have been given to anyone to be honest. I know it isn’t her fault but there was just very little to her character. It’s all just very…meh. Which is exactly how I felt about the game to begin with. So, I can’t say I am surprised. Yet another failed attempt, and dare I say it, the potential final nail in the coffin for video game movies. It’s time for Hollywood to leave them alone. The games we play now are so cinematic anyway that we don’t need to see it replicated on the big screen. Some even better than films themselves. So, RIP video game films. You tried so hard, but just couldn’t complete the game. And no, you don’t get to continue.

If you like my reviews why not follow my blog for new film reviews every week! Shameless plug I know….

Until next time round, watch more films!

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/03/14/assassins-creed-2016-review/feed/0300kevbo61Collateral Beauty (2016) Reviewhttps://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/03/05/collateral-beauty-2016-review/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/03/05/collateral-beauty-2016-review/#respondSun, 05 Mar 2017 22:34:10 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=250Read More Collateral Beauty (2016) Review]]>So I’m on a mission this year to watch as many films as humanly possible. The watch list on my IMDB is around 300 films currently! I’m never going to get them watched if I don’t start watching one at least every day. Or every other day. A friend on twitter made me aware of the website Letterboxd and I’m hooked! It’s so much better than IMDB because you get to see exactly how many films you have seen in total. The other cool thing is the film diary, where you add the film you watched and the date you watched it. So, I thought I could use this for my blog this year. Watch and then review. I’ve struggled to find a niche for my blog so I really think this would give me something to focus on. So every film I will watch this year (and already have) I will do a review for my blog. Exciting times right! I’ve watched 19 films this year already so I have got some catching up to do! If you have Letterboxd and want to follow me, I’ll leave a profile link at the end for you. Right let’s kick off the first review!

The first film I watched this year was Collateral Beauty, starring Will Smith, Edward Norton, Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren & Keira Knightley. The trailer for this film really grabbed me. The thought of someone being so angry and grief stricken at Love, Time and Death that he writes letters to each of them and blames them for his daughter’s death. Only for Love, Time and Death to appear in human form and confront Howard about his letters. It was an interesting premise and one that I’m sure all of us can relate to in some way. Also, it’s a Will Smith film. Everyone loves Will Smith! (I was going to put everyone loves Willy there then quickly backtracked)

Now I won’t go too much in to detail with regards to the plot. The trailer basically tells you what you need to know anyway. I really liked how the film portrayed grief and how it can drastically change us for the rest our lives. You cannot prepare yourself for losing someone. I remember when my grandad passed away and hit me like a train. It just came out of nowhere and you have no control over the emotion that follows. The film I felt beautifully puts across that emotion, and played to perfection by Smith. You can feel his pain right through the screen. The love that he had for his daughter, so cruelly and suddenly taken away by cancer. It’s a strong message to never take anyone for granted. We’re not on this earth for very long and it’s to appreciate every single second with your loved ones while they are with us. Goes without saying that this film was emotional!

It’s funny how initially I thought the Love, Time and Death confronting Will’s character was interesting but then quickly turned out to be the films flaw. The problem being is that the actors don’t get a lot of time to interact with Smith and instead spend more time with other people, who are experiencing their own affiliations with love, time and death. So much so that the film loses focus and becomes muddled in the middle. It’s hard saying why without giving away spoilers but it does also get a little confused. Which is a real shame because it started off well. I think there are too many characters though and not enough time spent on Smith’s character. The other actors are good, but they aren’t fully fleshed and just seem there for the sake of it.

The ending did catch me off guard though. Definitely one of the films highlights. The film is at its best when Smith and Harris are on screen together. The chemistry they have is great and I found myself wanting to spend more time with them two than the others. It’s almost a story of two films, that then are quickly rushed back together for the ending. It’s a shame because a little more focus on key characters would have made this okay film to brilliant. The saying less is more has never been so true.

So there you go, the first review of many! The next review will be the film Assassin’s Creed. Keep your eyes peeled for that next week!

Oh and if you have Letterboxd, my username is Surrealkevbo, so add away and follow me on my film journey!

This is what WWE has been shoving done our throats for the last month or so. At first it didn’t really make sense. Were they talking about past Rumble events? Or were they hinting that this years Rumble could be the best yet? Where in many years to come, we would be saying…” Hey, remember the rumble when Kurt Angle came out at number 30?” Or Finn Balor, against all odds, came back super early from his injury to win the whole damn thing? The tagline certainly added even more hype to a show that never needs build up. It’s one of the big four PPV’s and normally the most interesting. Will there be debuts from NXT? Will there be surprise entrants? No one knows. And that’s the beauty of the Rumble. But it has had a lot more downs than ups over recent years. 2015 was a complete shit show because it was so obvious Reigns was going to win. 2016 was only good because the Phenomenal AJ Styles made his WWE debut, other than that it was poor. Although Triple H chucking Reigns over the ropes was amazing.

Sadly, none of what I said earlier happened. Kurt Angle was not in the rumble and Finn Balor did not return from injury. On balance the Angle thing was a whole lot more likely. But Finn has been busy with the UK tournament and stuff so it was like maybe he’s good to go, and they were lying about his return date. Who knows. Again, that’s the mystique of the Rumble, until last night however. There was no mystique. We already knew something like 24 wrestlers who had been announced for the rumble. So, that only left a handful of spots for potential surprises. They really need to stop telling us who is in the rumble. It just takes the fun out of it. You know they are going to show up, it’s just a matter of what number. It was apparent last night, when it got to like number 24 and none of the part timers had come out yet (Brock, Goldberg and Undertaker) So we knew they would be soon in. But that wasn’t even the worst thing about it. The booking was all over the place. They literally gave the 3 wrestlers above the easiest night ever. They were probably in the ring for about 10 minutes in total. Totally pointless. They were supposed to add a bit of wow factor but instead it just ruined it. To the point where I wished they had used more NXT guys. You don’t need part timers in the rumble. Or, if you really do need them, don’t bloody tell us! Imagine the pop that all 3 of them would have got if we didn’t know they were in it? They would have torn the roof off!

I understand why they announced them. To generate buzz and ticket sales and what nots. But still, hold some stuff back. They could have just announced Goldberg and left Brock and Undertaker as a surprise. But, and to quote The New Day, “OHHH NOOOOOOO”. They just had to tell the world that 3 part timers were in the rumble. And I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I lost zero interest in all of them. I honestly couldn’t care less if they didn’t show up again. Taker is just too fucking old now. He can’t go liked he used to. He should have retired a long time ago. Hell, even after he lost to Brock at Mania. Because they always say you go out on your back. He should have walked away then. Mostly because the streak ending was a mania must see, and we never thought we would see it. We never realised how important it was to Mania him defending that streak. Yeah it was super shocking when it happened, but then bam there goes your Mania attraction. He should have given Brock the rub (one that really should have gone to someone more deserving in my opinion) and disappear in to the shadows of the valley of death, or wherever it is he came from. Also, they had the chance to give us the ultimate dream match, Taker v Sting and they didn’t. So, yeah, screw you Vince.

Goldberg hasn’t really done it for me either. Since he’s been back he’s wrestled for a total of like 5 minutes. And in that time, he beat Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series and eliminated him from the Rumble last night. Again, he’s too old. He won’t be able to do a full-time schedule even if he somehow found the Fountain of Youth. Which leads me on to Brock, who isn’t too old, but now who is so damaged by the easy wins from Goldberg that he is no longer an attraction. Why give the beast the streak and then have him be destroyed by a 46yr old with two spears and a brainbuster? It doesn’t make sense!

And the crowning glory, the ultimate cherry on the cake. When all the WWE’s universe hopes and dreams wished for a major surprise at number 30, along comes Roman Reigns. Eurgh. Even just typing his name is boring. Someone give me a beer, or ten. I mean really? Roman bloody reigns at 30? I’m dreaming, aren’t I? Please tell me that didn’t happen. Me and my friends were just lost for words. Quite frankly I still am. I’ll never get over that one. The only little saving grace was that he didn’t win. That, rather annoyingly, went to Randy Orton. Snore! I’m done talking about the rumble.

Right before I go try and forget last night’s rumble match, hopefully for the rest of my life. There were some amazing highlights before it. Kevin Owens retaining the Universal Championship was a welcome surprise, especially at the expense of Reigns. Because anything that doesn’t involve him winning is automatically a win. And then there was Cena / Styles having their own Okada / Omega-esque match. And what a match it was. Probably the best we’ve seen in a long time in a WWE ring. And I’m not even sad at Cena winning. Which is something I never thought I would say.

So yeah it turns out that “Remember the Rumble” will be used in many years to come…”Hey remember the rumble when Roman Reigns was number 30?”

Shoot. Me. Now.

@SurrealKevbo

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/31/forget-the-rumble/feed/0kevbo61What awaits in 2017…https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/what-awaits-in-2017/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/what-awaits-in-2017/#respondTue, 24 Jan 2017 13:05:45 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=246Read More What awaits in 2017…]]>Hey peeps! How the devil are you all? Not well I’d imagine, given how literally everyone I know has this horrible coughing and sneezing disease. Myself included! I’ve had it for about a week and a half now. It doesn’t want to go away! It doesn’t help that everyone in my office has it too. We’re all passing germs back and fourth on a daily basis. So as soon as one person gets over it, another person gets it, then it just goes round and round. That flu jab I got back in November was supposed to protect me! It’s done bugger all. And I heard someone say the other day that GP’s are advising that it could last up to 6 – 8 weeks! That’s the longest flu ever in the history of the world, surely? What I don’t get is there is absolutely no cure for the common cold. But why? With all of today’s advances in science and medicine, surely it can’t be difficult to conjure up a cure? We’re all fed up of taking Lemsips and Paracetmol because it doesn’t do anything. It’s a placebo effect, just designed to make you feel like your getting better, when in reality your nowhere near full recovery. We take a tablet to make us feel better, but how the hell does the tablet know where to go? And what it is that is wrong with me? It’s bizarre. And maybe something I’ll never understand. The best advice apparently is to drink lots of fluid and rest. Well no one has time to rest. I can’t afford to take a week off work because of a cold. I believe that the employer should let people be off or work from home. We’re only spreading germs around and making everyone else ill too. It’s counter-intuitive and not good for productivity. But hey that’s just my thoughts. Do with them what you will.

January is so depressing isn’t it? No one has any money. We’re all back at work too soon after Christmas and everyone is ill. Happy times! Not. I am somewhat happier than normal at this time of year however, and that’s because I have brand spanking shiny new car! Wooo! You might recall I mentioned my old car, Suzie the Suzuki gave up on me last December after 4 years together. Well Suzie the Suzuki MK.2 is now on the scene! Back with a major new look and feel. Think Tony Stark’s first suit in Iron Man and then his latest one in Avengers: Civil War. That’s the level of awesomeness where this upgrade stands currently. It wasn’t cheap, not by any means, but the deal was too good to ignore. Yes it’s a monthly payment for the next 3 and ½ years but I can live with that. And if anything I’ll probably save the money in the long run. This is because the road tax is ridiculously cheap, it does great MPG and the insurance is the same as my last car. So I’ll be paying less for petrol as the car will last so much longer before it needs re-filling. And it’s in Metallic Red, which is just the best colour. So yeah I’m pretty chuffed right now. I won’t be in a month’s time when I hear my bank account cry in pain as the first instalment is taken out, but I’ll get used to it. We only live once, that’s my motto. Not for everything though, otherwise I’d have minus money haha.

So what does 2017 hold for me? And that I have no idea. One of the more important things is going to be focusing on this blog. I really slipped last year and kept making excuses on why I wasn’t posting. But it’s never going to be successful if I can’t keep to schedule. That’s my goal this year, to keep to a schedule and post weekly. Once I do that, then I can start looking for voluntary work like guest posting or similar. I had opportunities last year that I just threw away. I’m not going to do that this year. I intend to watch a lot more films too. Try to keep the blog focused in someway. I look back through my posts and it’s all over the place. It’s hard to market a blog that literally can be anything and everything. So I’m going to try narrowing the broadness of it down and keeping to a few topics. You’ll still get my stupid sense of humour and rubbish jokes, but they’ll be more in line with films and TV than just my life.

So here’s to a hopefully a successful 2017. May you all have a good one, and I hope to be getting to know some of you more throughout my blogging journey.

That’s me signing off, ciao!

Kev

@surrealkevbo

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/what-awaits-in-2017/feed/0kevbo61Never fall asleep on a train…https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/19/never-fall-asleep-on-a-train/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/19/never-fall-asleep-on-a-train/#respondThu, 19 Jan 2017 23:13:20 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=225Read More Never fall asleep on a train…]]>Well hello you wonderful people. I do hope life is treating you all well. (If not let me know and I’ll see what I can do) Now while my brain is locked away thinking about the next blog post, my physical self is going to give you another writing prompt short story thing. Because, why not? I love doing these little bastards. They allow me to get out my weird and crazy side. Which isn’t a lot I must say. As with my previous writing prompts, I have searched the murky depths of Reddit again and found this little gem. It’s funny how most of these turn in to horror…I should probably get that checked out. But hey, in the meantime, have a read, and then hit me up on the social media side of things (which is only twitter) and let me know what you think. I love any kind of feedback. It all helps. Enjoy!

I wake up the sound of absolutely nothing. No kids running around the train. No groups of teenagers drinking beer and annoying the other passengers. No snoring from the people that have worked all day and fallen asleep with a paper in their hand. Nothing. I could have sworn there was someone sitting next to me when I fell asleep. Yeah there definitely was. She was an emo girl, dressed in black from head to toe. Not normally my type but this girl was cute. I remember getting that little buzz feeling I got whenever a cute girl sat next to me. She even smiled at me and asked if she could sit there. I was trying very quickly to think of something witty to say but all that came was “yeah, of course”. Boring. The one chance to be funny, make an impression, and I mess it up. I don’t normally talk to people on trains so I blamed it on that. She put her headphones and I could hear heavy drums slamming against the earbuds. That prompted me to put my headphones on and watch the rest of a Black Mirror episode that I started watching that morning. But before I knew it my eyes suddenly drew very heavy and I was out like a light. Now I’m here, slowly waking up, expecting to have to run for the train door so I wouldn’t miss my stop. But the train is still moving. Yet it is completely empty. From what I can tell of my blurred vision anyway. I’m rubbing my eyes slowly to wake them up, and in doing so, feel a presence near me. A sort of outline of something. Or someone. But I can’t quite make it out. I feel like I have been asleep for 24 hours yet still need more. Everything aches. My head feels like it is on fire. I suffer from migraines but nothing of this level. This is a new feeling and a horrible one at that. I try to lift my arms up to rub my head but they feel like dead weight. My energy seems to have zapped from me. What the fuck is going on? Is this a dream? Am I still asleep, in one of them deep sleeps where you can do stuff and it feels real. Something doesn’t feel right. My vision seems to be coming back, still a bit blurred but things close to me are coming in to focus. I see my iPad on the floor, still playing Netflix. I must have dropped it when I fell asleep. My work bag is still by my feet, but it looks like someone has been in it. I don’t know. I could have kicked it by mistake and made some of the items spill out. But then I see a pair of boots opposite the bag. Very shiny boots too. I could almost see myself in them. They were facing me dead on. I tried with all my strength and shifted my body to the left so that I was sitting properly in the chair. And with that I gasped suddenly. I was staring at someone who was staring at me. It was a person. And it was someone who I had seen before. The girl from earlier. The emo girl who sat next to me. But this time she was wearing all red. I could have sworn she was in black earlier. I don’t know. I try to say something. But only noises came out. She looks at me and smiles. My heart is pounding through my chest. This is definitely a nightmare. I saw this girl earlier and now she’s in my nightmare. It happens all the time. I just need to wake myself up. It’s obviously just a deep sleep I’m in. But before I could do anything. The girl stood up, opening up her long red coat to reveal her naked body underneath. It looked amazing, so smooth and silky. And her boobs were fantastic. Maybe this is one of them wet dreams. I’ve had them a few times. They feel just as real as anything else. But before I could get excited I noticed a reflection to the left of her body. And then I slowly started noticing my reflections as my eyes focused on what it was. I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing. Light was bouncing off metal knives and tools in her coat. Incredibly clean and shiny. They were clearly brand new. And there were even more on the other side of her coat. My heart felt like it was in my mouth. I tried to struggle away but my body would not move. She took a step towards me, smiling the whole way and said “I bought all these especially for you. Now, where should I start? Your arms? Or your legs? Or your testicles? You have 60 seconds to choose. Starting Now.”

Until next time!

Kev

@surrealkevbo

]]>https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2017/01/19/never-fall-asleep-on-a-train/feed/0kevbo61The Headache of Present Buyinghttps://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2016/12/23/the-headache-of-present-buying/
https://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/2016/12/23/the-headache-of-present-buying/#respondFri, 23 Dec 2016 20:35:20 +0000http://surrealkevbo.wordpress.com/?p=222Read More The Headache of Present Buying]]>I think I’m going to put it in on record that Christmas shopping is officially the worst kind of shopping ever! I don’t like shopping at the best of times but this year seems to have been the most stressful yet. Which is mostly down to having to pay for a pretty hefty service on my car, which ended up being for nothing. And to spend that sum of money before Christmas is soul crushing. It’s why this year has been the latest ever that I’ve bought presents. Because I had to wait for pay day, which thankfully was today! Normally I moan this time of year about being paid earlier, because then we have to survive a week longer until January’s pay. But this year it couldn’t have come sooner. I’ve spent the entire evening online looking at gifts, comparing prices and changing my mind every 5 minutes. 4 hours have flown by and although I’ve bought around 80% of presents, I still think I could have done it half the time.

You know what I blame for that? Reviews. And this is for mostly electronic goods, in this case tablets. They have become the bain of my life! I can’t just go in to a shop and pick an item. I spend hours comparing specs and power and stuff that I probably don’t even understand. Then I’ll Google reviews whilst in the store fending off staff in the process saying I don’t need help. And in my defence they are never helpful. They all have scripts to follow on what to say and how to get you to buy something you may not of wanted. They won’t be honest. Oh no they can’t do that. They always tell you that the more expensive item is better than a cheaper one. They’re evil people. What would make more sense is to allow the staff to use the item for a week. Much like when restaurant waiters taste the whole chefs menu to give recommendations. That’s a lot better than just telling me stuff I already know or that I could find online. What I want to know is that persons personal experience with that item and how it performs in the real world. That’s not a lot to ask, is it?

So yeah been trying to look for a tablet all night for someone’s present and it’s given me a headache. For one, there are WAY too many tablets on the market at the moment. Seriously thousands. It just makes the whole process of looking already impossible. So then you narrow it down to budget etc but there are still loads to choose from. So I Google reviews and different websites saying different things. That’s worrying in itself if a tablet can give two different results right? Seeing how they all do the same tests on them. It just makes the whole present buying thing a nightmare. Is there not a service where you can give pay someone to shop for you? That would be amazing!

Anyway this is my last post before Christmas. So I wish you all a Merry Christmas. May you eat lots and drink even more!