Faking Orgasms? Why Women Do It

It's practically a cliché that women fake orgasms – but it's not clear why some women do it. To please a partner? Because they feel pressure to have orgasms every time they have sex? Here's some expert opinion.

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As many as two-thirds of women admit to faking orgasms at some point in their lives — and it’s not just during vaginal intercourse. Women also say they have pretended to orgasm during oral sex and phone sex.

“I'm sure there are millions of reasons why women fake orgasm, but I'd put this one at the top of my list: to protect the male ego and sustain her relationship,” says Betty Dodson, PhD, a sex educator in private practice in New York City and the author of Orgasms for Two.

Wanting to flatter their partner is one reason women fake orgasm; but according to research, insecurity, fear of intimacy, an embarrassment over the inability to orgasm, and simply wanting to “get it over with” are also factors.

Other reasons for faking orgasm may include:

Ending intercourse. “Since so many men measure their sexual abilities by how a woman climaxes, many won't stop trying to get her off until she does,” says Dodson. Also, some women may realize that orgasm isn’t going to happen, so faking an orgasm seems like a good bet.

Stroking the male ego. You might find yourself faking orgasm so that your partner feels good about his efforts.

Losing power struggles. Many women are capable of achieving orgasm during sex if they can self-stimulate. However, Dodson says, some men may try to take over — which can interrupt her build-up to orgasm and lead to faking orgasm. A woman’s ability to achieve orgasm with a partner can reflect some other power dynamics in their relationship as well.

The reality is that many women cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. However, says Dodson, instead of working with her partner, a woman simply fakes orgasm and then “when she's alone, she'll have her own orgasm.”

Women who say they have pretended orgasm report using a variety of acting approaches, including arching their back, clutching their fists, pulling their partner closer, and increasingly intense vocalizations (heavy breathing, words, and noises) that indicate orgasm. Some say they simply tried to repeat the sounds and physical movements they remember from a previous orgasm. When women fake an orgasm, they may choose a moment of distraction, such as their partner's orgasm. Some choose to end the performance with a compliment on their partner's skill as a lover.

The “Cure” for Women Faking Orgasm

This is one problem where the “cure” is likely to be fun and pleasurable. Dodson says that most women fake orgasm because they are not going to have one through vaginal intercourse anytime soon. So the “cure” involves learning about what can bring you to an authentic orgasm during sex.

Here’s how you figure it out:

Practice solo. “Once a woman learns how to enjoy her own orgasms through the practice of masturbation, then she can share her orgasms with a lover,” says Dodson. Using a vibrator or just your fingers, experiment with the kinds of touches and pressures that lead to a climax. The results from a recently published survey show that at least one out of two women uses a vibrator, either on their own or during sex.

Mutual masturbation. Vaginal intercourse is perhaps the stereotypical sex act, but masturbating together can be very “sexy” as well. “That way, each of them can observe how they stimulate their sex organs for orgasm,” says Dodson.

Show them how. During sex, you can show (or tell) your partner what you like.

Do it yourself. “One of the most successful ways a woman can orgasm during intercourse is to stimulate her clitoris the same way she does when she masturbates,” says Dodson. Again, fingers or a vibrator should do the trick.

Go oral. Some women have a very difficult time achieving orgasm during intercourse, but have no trouble at all with oral sex. Including this in foreplay can help relax and prepare a woman for intercourse — and takes the pressure off both partners to achieve her orgasm. And who knows, once you’ve both relaxed somewhat, she might have another orgasm (or two).

Unfortunately, as many as one in 10 women struggle with anorgasmia (difficulty achieving orgasm) throughout their lives. For these women and their partners, consultation with a physician can help uncover any medical reasons for a lack of authentic orgasm.

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