Even Kristen Stewart Doesn't Deserve a Break-Up Email Like This

Breaking up is hard to do. So hard that some people can't even do it. They stay in relationships waaaaay past their expiration date. Or they just disappear off the face of the Earth without even so much as a "It's me, not you." But now there's a whole industry of break-up brokers who'll do the kicking to the curb for you either by email, text message, video, phone call, or ... in person! Wow. This is really lame. If you want to break up with someone, just say, um -- okay, I'm struggling here. Kind of avoiding the whole thing the way, um, Rob's avoiding talking to Kristen! Sigh. Let's look at our options.

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You've decided it's time to end things. They just aren't working out but you don't have the cojones to say it yourself. First off, let me say, this is wrong. If you've spent any significant amount of time with a person, you need to step up and do this yourself!

But now that I've got my finger wagging out of the way, let's review. There are a bunch of sites, like iBreakUp.net and BreakUpEmail that will send break-up emails to your dumpee. EraseUrX is an iPhone app that lets you break up via text message. iDump4You will do it by phone (err, slightly classier?). And, if you happen live in China, you can hire someone to do it in person by going to Taobao, that country's eBay. Wouldn't that be cute if the person hired to break up with you fell in love with you? Is that a movie? It should be.

To test one of these services, I pretended I was someone named "Robert" breaking up with someone named "Kristen." (Har, har.) BreakUpEmail.com had me select various reasons I wanted to end the relationship. I clicked on "he/she cheated on me," "I'm moving away," "I saw her with him," and, just for good measure, "he/she has horrible grammar." A break-up email was automatically generated. Here 'tis:

Dear Kristen,

I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. You couldn't even pass your exams without cheating; I should have known you'd cheat on me too, pr*ck. I don't really do the whole long distance relationship thing. New area code, new market, and it's time for me to go shopping.

You don't live in a soap opera, so quit causing so much drama. What really breaks the deal is your horrible grammar. Srsly d00d, learn 2 rite a sentance!

Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. You may not have realized, but I saw you with him, you fat-fried hamburger-humper! I'm not sure whether we can see each other again in the future but, for now at least, I definitely need my own space. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.

I won't miss your ugly face,Robert

Hmmm. Not exactly poetry. See? When it comes to breaking up, best to do it yourself. Even if you're some dude named "Robert."