All I know

It seems like I only ever come here to post lately, when I need help. When I’m heavy and struggling. When I need people. And I’m sorry for that. I hate people to feel like they NEED to respond or reply, but honestly? It’s so hard for me to reach out for that reason exactly. I never want anyone to feel burdened by me or heavy. Ever. Regardless, I still need people.

For many years, I felt heavy and neglected. My husband worked a stressful, demanding job, 12-13 hour days where I wouldn’t hear from him. Where he would potentially be in dangerous situations, dealing with awful situations. I mean, I still remember the 1am phone call that he had been punched in the face and I was to meet him at the hospital. It was one of the most terrifying and life-altering moments that I’ve ever had, followed by facial reconstructive surgery two weeks later. He attended school full time in a prestigious, yet again, demanding program. There was no time left for us. For me. For a while – that was okay. I worked too. I missed my family but couldn’t reach out without hearing, “chin up!” I missed him. I missed us.

After we got married, I became a full time housewife for a couple years and for a while, that was okay too. We fought as I begged him to spend time with me. To take a semester off. As I noticed the changes in him the longer he worked a job where he had to shut off his feelings. As he denied the changes and blamed me. I cooked because I loved it. I provided. My heart on a plate because that was what I could do. I could show my love and care in carefully constructed meals. I could provide some love at lunch time for him, even if I wasn’t there. I worked out. I obsessed about food. I lost weight. I put too much value in my appearance. I dreamed of what I wanted to do with my life but couldn’t yet.

When we moved to New York, it was tumultuous. If I am completely honest, we were openly talking separation before we both decided to put TWO FEET IN and make it work. Even now, I admit that when we fight, I worry that we’re still there despite making big leaps and taking great steps. The move shook things up and settled the all the same. I somehow, by the grace of…who knows, finally took steps to enter in a career that I’d felt absolutely compelled to be in for years. Finally.

The pieces started falling into place after I took the training. I got another job. I was accepted into a collective of amazing doulas with mentorship. I started taking clients. I got promoted to office manager. My office grew and grew and I got a raise. I found an amazing childbirth educator and she started referring me fabulous clients.

And here I am.

I am emptier than empty. I’m still charging very low rates due to my membership in this group. I am running all over, answering multiple emails from multiple accounts daily, all hours. I feel like I can recharge a little bit, but then each interaction takes more than I was able to recharge. I keep talking about it and talking about it – but I don’t know how to change it. I can’t figure out what I can possibly drop as the sole earner right now. I am useless when I get home and that certainly doesn’t help my relationship no matter how badly I wish it could be different.

I love giving to people. Supporting my clients feels so good. I get to see new life. I get to cut cords. I get to tell people how much I really do believe in them, that they CAN do this. I get to watch people become pain free and live their lives healthier. I truly, in my heart LOVE helping people so, so much. But…I just don’t know how I am finding the energy to keep giving. It’s all coming at a cost that I quickly am becoming unable to pay.

Pressing the publish button is really difficult for this post. I feel like I am just whining and people are rolling their eyes but…this is really hard. It’s just so, so hard to love what you do but still feel completely worn out and exhausted by it all.

I don’t have answers on how to fix it and you don’t have to respond.

It’s just all really heavy right now and all I know is to talk about it.

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7 thoughts on “All I know”

Oh friend! I do know how it feels to be empty. Sometimes for long periods of time. I have so few answers, but I do know that sometimes I’ve had to run on empty to get to a better place for us all. Except I have to remember than when I get there, when it’s okay to step back and fill myself up once more- I have to do so without hesitation. I tend to feel selfish, to feel like I’m tarnishing a good time with my need to get some help for myself, to heal over the scars of running for too long barefoot in the hot desert sand. It feels shameful to do this when I’m finally “in the clear” or when “things are going well once more.” Like I’m not fully appreciating the blessing I’ve been given. All I can say is remind yourself of where the sun is, where the clearing opens and the rays filter down. You are almost there and can keep on going. Not forever, I’ll be the first to say I’ve tried to do it for too long, but you can do it when you know the goal. When there is an end. The marriage stuff? Oh we can talk about that too! That might be an email or a call kind of thing- it’s long. But believe me- I get the hard marriage struggle too. When just staying together is both what you want and seems too hard. We’ve been through hell and at all kinds of times have tried to rip each other apart. At the end of the day, without trying to work on your relationship, just hold each other. Pull everything you need from him in that embrace. It doesn’t take any talking- which at least for me is probably why it works as I’ll talk anything to death. I hope you can catch your breath here and there along the way. Never pause to ask for support. You always have it, you will always be able to find it. Just ask. Sorry, I hope this makes sense. I just… I so feel like I’ve been here, like I may be in the same position. I’m trying hard to be the cork, to float along the water without being consumed by it. Love you, lady. Get some rest!

Show me the pitcher which can pour and pour and never get empty. It doesn’t exist. What fills you up? And how can you get more of it? I’m so very sorry that you’re hurting. I want you to have what you need! I’m glad you’re talking about these hard feelings. (((((hugs)))))