Monthly Archives: June 2014

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“Who throws out leftover pasta?” I yelled at my friend (who had invited me over for a delicious dinner) who was about to toss out a whole colander full of perfectly good noodles. They were still warm!

“What are you going to do with them?” she asked me. Fair question. I don’t cook—I present. Cheese, crackers, salads, artichoke dip. Cookies. I am an amazing milk-pourer on cereal—I must be, why else would my kids wait three hours for me to come home and do it for them?

There is one dish my kids request, and it only has TWO ingredients: Fried Eggs-n-Noodles. The noodles have to be leftover, next day or five, preferably spaghetti. Glob A LOT of butter into the frying pan, add the old (don’t smell them) noodles, scramble in some eggs, salt and pepper, more salt, a little more, more. Garnish as desired. Oh, who am I kidding? It must be eaten with ketchup.

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. I was a thumb sucker. I remember the trouble I was in when my mom busted me trying to wash off the toxic goo she had painted on to try to break my habit. I enjoy building the steeple to open the doors and see all the people, and I don’t hear my phone complaining when I whip out long-winded thumb-driven messages.

I don’t mean to go all Thumbelina here, but who started the rumor that flexible thumbs that stretch backwards are an indication of creativity? Stephen Colbert looks like he has creative thumbs.

Oh, get off your high, hitchhiking horses. Those curved, right-angled bendy thumbs are merely a fluke-o-nature genetic trait. But, did you know the straighter the thumb, the more honest, lovable, and wealthy the individual, according to IMTU (I Made That Up)?

I straight out thumb my nose at those curvy digits. And don’t even get me started on the supposed sexual superiority of the extra-long second toe.