Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue Service have axed Fireman Sam as their mascot, saying that the character was outdated and non inclusive. The character will instead be replaced by a writhing heap of human bodies.

The naturalist took to the stage on behalf of BBC’s The Blue Planet which won the award for Best Factual Programme, to murmurings of ‘Hasn’t Max Headroom let himself go?’ But once he began speaking and the assembled celebs felt their skin crawl and their ears bleed, they twigged who he was and began to boo loudly.

John Bercow says he will stand down as Commons Speaker and MP at the next election or on 31 October, whichever comes first. And BBC executives have failed to deny that the current (for now) Speaker of the House of Commons, is being lined up as the next host of BBC Radio 4’s ‘Just Minute’

if she did sign up for the ‘do or die’ pact, this begs the question; why did she really leave? Late last night the truth emerged when she was seen storming out of the BBC clasping a half empty bottle of Prosecco, mascara running down her tearful face.

An increasingly isolated Boris Johnson’s deranged screams could be heard throughout commons as he desperately tore apart the seats in commons searching for the votes necessary to stage a general election. It is understood his frenzied mania only paused briefly as he stopped to sniff the section Rees-Moog had lay down in.

Film producers have announced plans to produce three new Carry On comedies. And rather uniquely, the project will involve top talent from the psychic community, to channel the, mostly dead cast of the yesteryear comedy film series.

Amazon has apologised for sending out some pre-ordered copies of The Testaments, Margaret Atwood’s follow-up to The Handmaid’s Tale. And, to the annoyance of many Brexiteers, Amazon have also been found to have delivered all the benefits of Brexit to their Prime customers before the official delivery date.