Ernie met this lass and took her home to meet me and the wife
I whispered to Ernie "Where the hell did you meet her?" "She's cross eyed, bow legged, no hair & got few teeth!""
Ernie replied "There's no need to whisper Eric, she's deaf"

Dear Eric,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!

Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps, Eric.

Ernie met this lass and took her home to meet me and the wife
I whispered to Ernie "Where the hell did you meet her?" "She's cross eyed, bow legged, no hair & got few teeth!""
Ernie replied "There's no need to whisper Eric, she's deaf"

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room.

In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room.

In it was O.J Simpson with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day..' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

My wife slapped me across the head the other day. I said "What's that for?"
She says "Eric I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it."
Quick as a flash I said "That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow."

She then apologises.

A week later she hits me over the head with a frying pan!
I said "What the hell was that for?"
She replies "Your bloody horse phoned!"

Ernie & I bought a young Cock for our Farm. As soon as we got it home, it rushed straight in & sexed up all our 150 hens...
Me and Ernie were impressed.
At lunch time, the Cock again was screwing all the 150 hens. Me and Farmer Ernie are getting a bit tense now.
Next day, we find the Cock fucking the ducks & the geese.
Later on, we found the Cock collapsed looking pale, half-dead and me and Ernie noticed vultures circling overhead.
Ernie SNARLED at the Cock and said "You deserve to feel like that, you horny little bastard!"
The Cock opens one eye, points up & says to us "Ssshhh. They're about to land."