An electronic diary sharing my spiritual path through observations/experiences, photos, videos, articles and more. It started with intensity at the end of January 2011 when I decided to go to South Africa and see the truth of animals living in the wild. Unsatisfied with the answers, I went to India looking for the truth of humans in an ancient civilization. Packing up my life as a dressage trainer in Southern California, I moved to Jaipur, India to follow a spiritual inquiry.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

After 48 years, I talked to my birth parents. It was amazing and it felt like I may have found the human fabric I was cut from. There was a human emotion when I touched the recognition that this was my birth container. It was a very unique moment that was not examined during the past two years. I didn't need anything from the new connection, so it was even more interesting to see what organically emerged.Very grateful to the person who worked for 3 years to find these people. She does it without compensation as a way to give back. What a beautiful spot of light in the often too frequent awareness of the darkness.Not sure how this new relationship will develop, but the two hour conversation was lovely. Fun!

I was talking to a friend about experiencing 3 states as a human: wake, sleep, and meditative. While I was talking, somehow I entered "the place" where I had one of my most profound meditation experiences--being in a star-filled darkness with Pahari Baba sharing what felt like a state of limitlessness. I had never experienced this while I was in the wake state-fully functional. It took me by surprise and there were several choked up minutes that I could not speak or act. What an awareness teaching for how thin the veils really are!

Monday, April 29, 2013

While reading Autobiography of a Yogi in India, I came across the meeting of Luther Burbank and Yogananda and had no idea the spot was in my backyard. Wonderful to take a tour and learn about his divinely inspired planting, grafting, and hybridization of plants.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Yet another container that has no end--personal training. It is a very open and young field, so lots of flexibility and creativity available. Just spent the day in a NASM teaching seminar. Fired up and ready to charge.

The bits and pieces where I touch the horse community are becoming healed and infused with the "Let Go" attitude.

Cathy had her surgery this week and is healing remarkably well, so my clocking in for the horse duties has lined up in full force. All good.

Constant gentle reminders around judgements and to keep working on not having them. Discernment yes, but judgement no.

Looking at returning to India in October. For how long is yet to be seen. Gurudev's presence is like a perfume that lingers in the air.

Headed to Southern California to visit friends and take care of some business before helping my friend with the post shoulder surgery. Googled the Ramakrishna locations--bonus. It happened to "work out" attending a Sunday lecture, meeting the Swami who has been in service for 60 years, and wander around the beautiful property. Fun to listen to the questions people have in English. He had heard of Pahari Baba and knew that he had a photo of Ramakrishna in his room. Cool to be able to fact check that information and share a picture of Gurudev. Small world, but not.

Meditation Hall

View from the monastery and start of the hike that goes around the property.

Jumping up and down, passed the personal trainer certification from the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM.) I really enjoyed learning the information and it has clarified how I have been trying to train horses for the past 8 years--core, outer structure, and dynamic movement. Two for one getting clarification for the four-legged and two-legged communities. The information also turbo boosts my understanding of the two Selfseeds fitness and nutrition.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

While sitting in the stillness*, the inner world is so inviting. There are no edges. Nothing to hang on to. Nothing to desire. Thank you formed and Formless for exposing the passageway.

While walking in the human world, the outer world is often so challenging. There are edges. Many things to hang on to. Many things to desire. Thank you formed and Formless for providing homework.

*The pull to be in the stillness is always present now. Meditating even a short amount of time takes me to some depth where only truth and peace appear to preside. Even as an absentee attendant the spark is ready for igniting. Thank you and pranam.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Willingly walking into the fire, facing one's edges, examining scratchiness--a kinder verbage was shared--living a self examined life. The mystery of humans is resolved with this clarity of where we create separation--the unexamined life. What is to fear if all is the Divine?

Thursday, April 4, 2013

The examination of the melancholy has led to another unveiling. I was still inwardly holding onto the hope that my dearest friends and family could satiate this inner trek to the formless, but there is no substitute. The aloneness has now transformed into expansiveness and the capacity continues to grow. Thank you, right on track with the clarification. I touched deep sorrow today for a person who died unexpectedly. There were tears for the sadness of loss, but there was a larger percentage of gratitude for knowing such a selfless, kind, patient, generous, helpful human being.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Life is rolling through the rolodex and I am realizing that there is nothing more meaningful to me than the Divine. It is still odd since in a way, I am even "losing my western world." It is all more like being at a picnic having fun, but the truth lies underneath. I am going to have to play the game in some aspect and that disturbs me. I know that I can play the game with love, compassion, sincerity, authenticity, and truth, but it isn't enough somehow. There is some form of melancholy even though everything is wonderful. I know there is nothing to grab onto, look to fill the emptiness, or search for any longer, but my life isn't over. Yes, I have gratitude, but feeling like a foreigner in the land of humans. The people who really understand are getting smaller in number. Maybe I am hoping to share it in some way, but the connection is so internal.

Funny today, I have been mentally distracted with the studying and noticed that "my buzz" had toned down. When I got on my client's horse, it reappeared in such a soft, beautiful way that I could have slipped off the horse and started meditating.

Not sure where to turn at this point other than to be patient, stay open, and see what unfolds. I don't have many living examples of what I feel drawn towards, so there are a lot of question marks at the moment.

Finding the edges of some of my dearest friends and it saddens me. More loss and letting go I suppose. I want someone to run and play with; you are the only one who understands the depth and walks the talk. I didn't anticipate being alone in the wholeness. It is a paradox. The tears are running down my face as I sit with all of this--part human emotion and part gratitude for the grace. The depth of this state of being is continuing to unfold. I know now that it has always been present, but the newness is its' palpable presence. It is as if instead of hearing the voice, the voice is coming from within myself. I am somehow a spokesperson for It instead of the antennae.