STOP THE PRESSES!! WE HAVE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BREAKING NEWS!!

STOP THE PRESSES!! WE HAVE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BREAKING NEWS!!

Cutting Edge Baseball Headlines FromAround the Nation and Around the World!

This Is the Real Made Up News that Other News Only Wishes It Could Be!!

THE ORIOLES’ CHRIS DAVIS BREAKS BAT OVER KNEE
AFTER STRIKING OUT

After Striking Out Against Soft-Tossing Blue Jays Pitcher J.A. Happ, Baltimore First Baseman Chris Davis Angrily Broke His Bat Over Happ’s Knee in the 8th Inning of a Recent Game.

“And Let that Be a Warning to Every Other Pitcher in the American League”, Chuckled Orioles Manager Buck Showalter.

METS SUPERSTAR YOENIS CESPEDES
PICKS NEW WALK-UP MUSIC

Upset and Furious With Baseball’s Attempts to Speed Up the Game, Cespedes Will Have the Second Movement of Bach’s 4th Brandenburg Concerto Played as His Official Walk-Up Music For Each of His At-Bats at Citi Field.

Cespedes Also Plans to Start Walking to the Mound From Left Field a Number of Times During All Future Games. To Avoid the Mets Being Charged with a Mound Visit, Cespedes Says He Will Stop Just Short of the Mound and Then Return to His Position in Left Field.

SHOHEI OHTANI TO FURTHER EXPAND HIS ROLE
WITH THE LA ANGELS OF ANAHEIM

After Starting the 2018 Season Both as a Starting Pitcher and a Designated Hitter, Japanese Mega-Star Shohei Ohtani Will Now Also Conduct Tours of Angels Stadium on His Off-Days.

Sporting His Official Angels Tour Guide Cap and Blazer, Ohtani Stated Through His Interpreter That He Enjoyed Conducting Tours of His Home Ballpark Back in Japan.

Ohtani Also Plans to Open a Tuna Crudo Concession Stand at Angels Stadium and Personally Serve Anaheim Fans During Innings He is Not Scheduled to Bat or Pitch.

PITTSBURGH PITCHER TO CHANGE NAME AGAIN

Pirates Reliever Felipe Rivero, Who Recently Changed His Name to Felipe Vasquez, Has Changed His Name Once Again.

He Will Now Be “Mound Visit Rivero-Vasquez”, Which Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred Reluctantly Confirmed Will Allow the Pirates an Extra 7th Mound Visit in Any Game in Which Vasquez Plays.

Stating “There is no Limit to What We Can Do With Defensive Shifting”, the Phillies’ Gabe Kapler Unveiled His Plan to Stop Right-Handed Pull Hitters at Citizens Bank Park.

“We Will Have the Third Baseman Positioned in Row 18 of Section 102 to Cover Foul Balls”, Kepler Said, “and the Shortstop Will Have Already Been Sent Ahead to the Next City We’re Playing in to Provide Coverage Beyond Just the Current Game.”

Shortly After, Kapler Was Led From the Phillies Media Center to a “Quiet Room” Near the Phil’s Locker Room. Kapler Was Unavailable to Provide Further Details About His Cutting Edge Defensive Shift Plans.