~ Looking forward, looking back & enjoying now.

Category Archives: fifty something

Twenty months ago we stood here, on top of Mount Wellington, overlooking the city of Hobart and it’s surrounding countryside and coastline.

We dreamed and talked about living here one day. Could we make a life in Tasmania?

In July 2013 we were at a crossroads in our lives anyway. We were going to be “empty nesters” in a couple of months. S~E was engaged and settled in Sydney. C~M was about to begin her six month adventure on a volunteer programme in Buenos Aires.

Aussie Mate and I had lots of conversations, discussions, shared ideas, some sensible, some totally random, some over a meal, many with a bottle of wine involved.

How did we picture the next phase of our lives? Where did we want to spend this new phase?

We both certainly wanted to slow down, get out of the rat race, experience a more relaxed pace of life. We agreed that we would sell the house and down size.

Over the following months, ideas became plans. I applied for an Australian spouse visa. I thought about taking voluntary redundancy from my bank job.

We continued to work on our plan. It felt right. We reassessed our decisions when things didn’t seem to work to our anticipated timetable. But the overall plan still felt right. We took small steps and the months passed.

And now today, here we are. A few days away from leaving the UK to start that new phase of our lives. Tasmania may be short term, maybe not. We don’t know yet and we haven’t burnt any bridges. We are looking forward to finding out.

Apparently it is the state that my 50 plus age group, now tend to ease into, as the state pension age has extended, we have longer life expectancy, better health and changing economic circumstances.

We no longer expect to work full time until we are 60 years old (for women) or 65 (for men) as previous generations did. We don’t expect a life long career or one job for life with a gold watch or carriage clock at the end, then a move to a cottage by the sea or in the countryside. We know we will probably have to work into our seventies but we want to work on our terms, at a slower pace, maybe in a different career than in our 20’s or 30’s or 40’s.

We are happy to work but want flexibility for time out to travel, to add to our talents, try new things, see new places, to re-invent ourselves, to explore and enjoy a new phase of life now our own are kids are grown and independent.

I’m going to have to throw them out. They are too worn. They are uncomfortable now. They are grubby.

But they are special. I bought them in July last year, in Sydney whilst on our silver wedding anniversary holiday.

They were cosy as I spent many hours sitting out on our beach apartment balcony overlooking the Pacific Ocean, star gazing, watching the moon rise, watching sun rises, on special days, watching dolphins swim, jump and dive in the shallows.

Midlife insomnia was a pure joy, not the usual nuisance. I’d wake at 2am to a beautiful clear sky, so I’d go and sit out on the balcony looking at the last quarter moon and southern stars. Some days I was too late to see the moon rise but I loved the sky. I used the ipad skywalk app to identify stars and constellations. I was awake and would stay up for a couple of hours, have a cup of tea, I did go back to bed for a few hours.

I was very aware of the rhythm of life, the sound of the waves on the beach, the sound of Aussie Mate’s breathing next to me. It was all very calming, very peaceful. Back to nature, back to basics. I’ve never lived by the sea before.

I’d get up again just after 6am as the sky began to lighten. Sirius and an upside down Orion was clearly visible out over the ocean. Again I went out on the balcony as I watched the sun rise behind distant clouds. Just stunning. Each day was a new spectacular sky scene.

I loved “my balcony, my beach, my ocean”, some mornings there was the added bonus of eye candy with surfers out. It was interesting watching them and how the waves moved them along the beach southwards. I soon learnt how the waves and ocean changed with the weather and onshore or offshore winds.

I love my red uggs, so warm and comfortable. I have other uggs, but these have distinctive memories.

This is another insomnia blog post. It’s 2.30am and my mind is wide awake, even if my body does not feel the same way. My mind will not switch off at the moment, so rather than lying in bed, awake, I am listening to some soothing music and contemplating time.

I heard my Aunt say the above quote a few days ago, when I stated that my life is busy even though I no longer commute for two hours or work for seven hours in an office. How can my weekdays still be so full?

This is the end of my first month of non-employment. On occasion, it still feels as though I am “bunking off” but it definitely has a different sense to being on holiday from work.

We have not been restricted by time. We turned off our alarms and we wake to our own body clocks. We have slept longer so feel less tired. We spend time with the morning newspapers, with some online updates, or with a book. We sit down together for breakfast, take our time rather than eating on the go or whilst multitasking.

We have removed time pressures, so we are able to walk to places, rather than jump in the car. We joined a local gym and walk there each day. We are building up time on the various equipment, then have a swim, sauna, steam and jacuzzi. That takes up a couple of hours of our day, but we do not have a fixed time to go, sometimes it’s morning, sometimes afternoon. We have learnt the hectic times to avoid but we are not limited to a class timetable.

I’m drinking more tea, but enjoying it, noticing the taste, rather than drinking it unconsciously whilst focusing on a task. The same applies to a glass of wine, to our meals.

The only appointments we have set have been for social reasons, meeting friends for lunch or birthday celebrations at a fixed time and place. Lunches have drifted on through the afternoons.

I don’t often look at the clock, because it is not important now. I’m doing more spontaneous things. I saw some recipes for “cakes in cups” or “muffins in mugs” and just tried one there and then. Easy and delicious.

Time goes so slowly when I’m trying to get to sleep in the middle of the night. But now, when I am focused on something, forty minutes has gone by, the album I selected on iTunes has finished. I have written this but I have allowed my mind to wander off on tangents. (How should you punctuate with speech marks or brackets?)

There are days when I wonder if I am my own Time Lord, when it seems that I control time, that time does not dictate my day, my activities, my thoughts or actions. It is great to get lost in a task, to see where something leads, not be limited by hours or minutes. After decades of chasing time, sometimes battling against time, this is a new freedom.

Time to go back to sleep now but I don’t have to be anywhere or meet anyone until late afternoon, so if I want to sleep in to nine o’clock on this Tuesday morning, I can. Sweet dreams.

Now that I am away from full time employment I am seeing a different slice of life on weekdays.

In the past, I have dipped into different demographics on occasions – the new mum, out with an infant in a buggy, whilst on maternity leave – a mum at the school gates after redundancy, whilst looking for a new job.

Although there is a huge mix of people out and about during the week, there is a high proportion of mid life and older people. This is making me more aware of my age, my self-image versus how others will view me.

As an employed person in a big multinational organisation, I was part of a specific demographic. I commuted to work by train, with thousands of other people. Age was not important or noticed.

In a large open plan office, with hundreds of people on each floor, thousands in the building, I worked alongside some other “fifty somethings”, many “forty somethings” and “thirty sometings” and a few “twenty somethings”. We chatted about our home lives, commiserated about our teenage kids behaviours, the antics of younger children, the joy of babies, or grandkids, the changed dynamics with aging parents. We shared updates of our weekends, dates, pets, family and friends. We joked with the younger staff that some of us had been working in this industry since before they were born. But age was not a differentiating factor. We all shared a common purpose within the company.

I know in my head that I am a ‘fifty something’, an “empty nester”, that I am in “midlife”. But I don’t actually feel that age. I’m planning a gap year. I did that back in my twenties and want to do it again, as a slightly older, more experienced, wiser version of my twenty something self. I certainly don’t feel like a “grey nomad”.

But I will have to accept that is how the world will see me. My Aussie Mate still considers himself as a red headed guy. He doesn’t recognise himself as the bald guy with the white beard.

I’m at an interesting place in my life – in the middle of some big numbers. – I’m approaching my 50th birthday – Mr A and I have just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary – S~E is 18 and has now finished school

My life is about to change, with S~E moving to Australia in a few weeks. I will miss her when she goes, but that is part of the life and opportunities we have tried to give both her and C~M. The roots and the wings………………….. It will be a big change for C~M as well as for S~E.

Work is still crap. I really don’t want to be there. My heart just isn’t in it. But we need the salary to stay living in this house and to have the lifestyle that we are used to. We are noticing a reduced income, so our plan to be in Australia for Christmas and New Year will not materialise.

I need to think of some other way to celebrate my 50th.

Recently I have been thinking about my own mortality, I guess due to F’s breast cancer diagnosis, surgery and chemotherapy.

What do I want to do for the rest of my life? Where do I want to be in five years time? Once C~M has left school and home, what do I want to be doing?

I know I am drifting at the moment, waiting for changes, not really getting on with work or anything.

I need to change my attitude. I need to either commit to work, or I need to move to something else. Do I want to make the effort to change company? Do I have the energy to try to do something completely different? Do I stick this out for another few years? Do I have the energy for that? Questions, questions, questions ?????

You are not preparing towards a life that will begin at some point in the future.