Halloween Endurance Test: HGTV’s 2010 Halloween Block Party

Okay, I totally missed the point of this show: HGTV’s 2010 Halloween Block Party. Usually HGTV sends designers to help ordinary folk spruce up their homes. And while the in-house designs and effects are definitely “doable” in the DIY vein, the three giant panels out front? Not so much. So I guess its some sort of do it yourself project show for you and your friends (all of whom are skilled carpenters)!

“We’re going to lay down these trash bags, and put the dirt on top of it. That way we don’t hurt your grass.”

Really? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought grass grew on top of dirt. Couldn’t you just rake the dirt over the grass, after the presentation, to clean it up? I ran into a similar problem when I worked in pest control. One day I was repossessing termite stations when the delinquent came out of the home. He wasn’t upset about me taking the stations back, no, he was upset about the holes left where the stations were once implanted.

“What about the holes?” he asked. “What’re you gonna do about the missing dirt?”

“Nothing,” I replied, “the dirt’s technically still here on
your lawn, just not where it was when you bought the house. You’re welcome to regrade the lawn after I leave.” (That’s the best part of working for an independent pest control company; if the customer’s a debtor, you don’t have to act nice. What you gonna do? Lose their nonexistent business?)

Okay, filling hollowed-out pumpkins with ice to use as makeshift coolers is a neat idea. I don’t drink so it’s not something I’d ever actually use, but it is neat. I don’t think hollowing a pumpkin and then filling it with Cheetos would have quite the right effect. Or even still be edible.

The fancy Day of the Dead house’s floating skeletons are actually probably the best idea here. Tie lightweight blow-up skeletons from your nearest tree, and you’re done! At night, you won’t even be able to see the strings; brilliant!

(And for those of you complaining that a television program, by definition, isn’t a film, you do have a point. But have any of you naysayers ever spent an hour watching HGTV? Exactly.)