Thursday, February 28, 2008

It has been a very frustrating day, week, etc. I'm beginning to think that I'm a control freak. not one of those OCD wash my hands 29834723797 times control freaks. Just one of those people that doesn't like when things don't go according to how I want them to. I've been trying to work on that, and be ok with just letting things happen, but it's just not working, and I'm getting to a point where I'm just about ready to say eff it and keep it movin'.

I was on a message board that I frequent, http://www.dbyonline.net/forum/register.php?referrerid=1257, and a question came to me, which I posted. The question was, "Do you follow your own advice?" I sat back and thought about it, and tried to understand why people tend not to in some situations, and whether or not I do. I guess this is where the phrase, "Easier said than done" comes from. I guess the main advice I've given that I'm not following right now is that people aren't going to change unless they want to. I'm tired of being placed in the position to be the catalyst for change, and the person doesn't accept it. The frustrating part is that I know people don't change unless they have the want to. I guess that's what's frustrating is that I know it yet I keep ending up in those positions. Who knows, maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Yeah I'm tired of being that too.

I'm just tired period y'all. I'm tired of stretching myself thin for people who wouldn't give a damn if I needed a nickel, or a hug for that matter. I'm tired of people asking for my help, then not accepting it when I go to give it. I'm tired of unappreciative women ... hell, people period.

Then I keep hurting people around me unintentionally. I was basically told today that I was selfish. I really don't try to be, it's just who I am I guess. I think it stems from the fact that I'm always there for so many other people, and always sacrificing my wants for others, and I get tired of doing that, but when I stop doing it I feel bad. That's when I start being called things like selfish, etc. Where is the happy medium? Is there one?

I'll be glad when spring break comes. I'm going back to Baltimore for a lil while. I need the vacation ... some time away from here, where I can sit back, relax, visit some old friends, and not have to worry about anything.

so....thougth I would start this blog off with something I just wrote. I'm thinking/hoping that I'm moving past this writing block that I've had for a while. It's been a pretty good week, and I'm glad to be home. Not really too much to say tonight...just trying to keep in mind how blessed I am to be where I am, and who I am...and trying to see me how God sees me, which is as his crown jewel.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

So yeah, I know I haven't been writing like I should (T), but here I am.

So, like, it's been a long last week, and I've been pretty busy, doing something every night. How about those Giants!!

So...I feel like I'm at a really pivotal part of my life. I feel like I'm coming into my own, and I'm getting tired of the bullshit, and a lot of people can't handle that. I've lost a couple friends over the last couple weeks, however I've met some extremely cool people. I'm also learning and remembering what a joy it is to be single, not having to worry about pleasing others besides myself. It's funny that some people can't handle that.

Some of the new friends that I've made, I feel that they are truly genuine.

At the same time, I have felt so stretched thin lately it's crazy. I've done something every day of this past week, and am actually hanging with them now. It's been a little stressful being stretched so thin, but in a lot of ways was worth it. Nothing is better than building lasting relationships.

I think what I'd really like to do in the coming weeks is really just simplify parts of my life. The people that don't need to be here...stop keeping them here....and the people that need to be here, do what I need to do to make sure they stick around. Maybe doing that will keep me from being so busy....stressed. I feel like I'm falling back into my ways of wanting to please everyone, and I hate being that. There's a song out right now that says, "You just do you...I'ma do me....I'ma do me...." While the lyrics are probably lacking, it's a real message. Not trying to worry about other folks for real right now, because it's about me, and me only.

...and yeah that may sound selfish, arrogant, vain, etc....but it is what it is.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

This St. Louis weather is really pissin' me off. I could have sworn monday it was in the seventies....now there's 8 inches on snow on the ground, which is currently melting because the temperature is on it's way back up to the sixties by monday. Go figure...

So...like....why do people always feel like they can fault you when you don't live up to their assumptions? No, I didn't say expectations, I said assumptions. How you gon be upset with me because I didn't do what you THOUGHT or ASSUMED I was gon do? Maybe I'm missing something, but why is it my fault? Try this....STOP ASSUMIN' SHIT!!

So I feel like I'm in this transition period. It's funny because a lot lately I have felt like I'm not doing the right thing by some people. It seems like I have some people in my life that I keep hurting, but I'm not necessarily doing something wrong, at least in their eyes. I'm being pulled in several different directions, trying to make time for the people and things that are priorities as well as the things that I feel are important to me, but that is so not easy, and someone or something always ends up getting slighted, and me faulted for it. Doesn't feel good to be kind of faulted for some things that seem like they are beyond your control, or that you are trying to control. Kind of sucks actually.

So, I think I have finally figured out what my "pledge" is for 2008. I want to be happy. Happy with what I have, what I don't have, and what I'm working towards. I'm going to be making a concerted effort to change the things I'm unhappy with instead of just sitting there and becoming content with being unhappy.

I also want to grow closer to God. I mean I pray and go to church, etc. But I can do so much more when it comes to the area of trusting God. Letting go and letting God. I always try and fix everything myself, and of course that usually just makes the problem bigger.

This past week has been a really busy week, but it was a good one. I'm really enjoying my classes this semester, and I'm glad. It's a change from last semester, as they are actually classes that I wanted to take. I am really looking forward to what this semeser, as well as this year, brings, and only hope and pray that I have time for all that becomes a possibility.