“…any food product that feels compelled to tell you it’s natural in all likelihood is not.”—-Michael Pollan

Monday, August 27, 2012

The Business of Wine, World of Wine Museum

Hello, and welcome to Business
of Wine, World of Wine Museum, located at the former COPIA. We hope you enjoy your visit to BoWWoW. This guide is intended to
highlight both our permanent collection as well as our ever-changing special
exhibitions, lectures and tastings. BoWWoW
is a place where novices and connoisseurs alike can gather to learn about and
share everything wine. A portion of your admission is contributed to
MADD, just because we like to fuck with them.

Highlights of the
Permanent Collection

Numbers

Here at BoWWoW we
have collected some of the best and most famous scores in wine history. Many
people have read these scores in various wine publications, but haven’t the
slightest idea what they mean or what they look like. Just like being a wine
critic! Over the years our curators have managed to obtain many of these scores
and they are available for you to view in the exhibit hall to your left.
Perhaps the most famous score is 100, a perfect score. It’s here! It may not
look like much, but consider the prestige and monetary value that 100
represents. It’s traveled the world, from Bordeaux
to Burgundy, from Piedmont to Tuscany, from Spain
to Portugal,
spreading riches wherever it goes. But notice that if you look at it even the
tiniest bit askance, it disappears! All you have to do is walk around it, view
it from every angle, and, poof, it no longer exists, it is strictly an
illusion. Contributed by Screaming Eagle, which will never see it again, it’s a
must-see for every wine lover. And don’t forget to catch a rare glimpse of 89.
It’s over by the Wailing Wall. And we also have the 91, once important, but now
without any value. History has left 91 behind, sort of like Clive Coates.
Finally, make sure and view the antiquated and now-abandoned 20 Point Scale.
Once a working scale, it was given to BoWWoW
by Decanter Magazine who declared it
“old, rundown and useless as Lady Camilla.”

Hall of Aromas

Ever wondered what the great wines of the world smell like?
Spend some time in the Hall of Aromas and you’ll discover the olfactory joys of
many famous wine varieties. Begin with the brief video introduction by James
Laube, which will prepare you for your first olfactory experience, ammonium
carbonate. Over there is Riesling (presented by BP), the grape responsible for
the great German wines, if there were any. Don’t miss Chardonnay! Ever wonder
what Chardonnay smells like naked? Then take your damn clothes off and find out
(sponsored by Girls Gone Wild—“Feel like flashin’?, We can cash in!”™). Wander
over to Grüner Veltliner, the grape responsible for the wines of Austria, the country that gave us Rudolf Steiner
(Austria’s
slogan? “Americans will buy the stupidest shit.”), and take a deep breath. What
is that? It’s either Grüner, or a vegan farted next to you (sponsored by Hole
Foods—no, there is no “W”). When you’re finished with the white varieties (try
something new, like Savagnin, it smells like sommeliers), move on to the reds.
Start with Pinot Noir. Ever wonder what a great Burgundy smells like? Ha, we tricked you!
This is a fake. It’s old Beaujolais mixed with
Gallo Hearty Burgundy (sponsored by Acker Merrill). No mistaking the smell of
Malbec! Take a deep breath, that’s the smell of MegaPurple, Argentinian
marketing and easy money (sponsored by Paul Hobbs). There are lots of nasal
adventures waiting for you in our famous Hall of Aromas. And don’t miss the
special exhibit running through September, “Brettanomyces!”You’ll recognize many of the world’s great
wines there. It’s not in the Hall of Aromas, it’s located in the Aroma of Hall
Closets.

Guest Lectures at
BoWWoW in September

James Suckling“Career Suicide,” A Discussion with Jay
Miller and the editorial staff of Zester Daily. Special appearance by the
HoseMaster of Wine.

And don’t miss our upcoming October Special Exhibition,
“Great Wine Bloggers of the 21st Century” to be held in the Vineyard
Workers Memorial Port-a-Potty, located in the South Parking Lot. Be sure to leave a contribution.

Nah, that doesn't work either. Puff Daddy is still the best. Yes, Suckling and I sharing a stage should be amazing. We do a medley of standards that's a show stopper. That Suckling plays a mean accordion.

Honey, you forgot to mention that yours truly will be set up in The Kissing Booth at “Great Wine Bloggers of the 21st Century” exhibition. There I will be offering smooches for $1.00, (a drastic price reduction from last year as my numbers aint what they used to be) and I'm running a special in the tradition of all "Great Wine Bloggers", ass kissing is FREE!

sometime remind me to tell you the story about James Suckling convincing the Marchese Nicolo Incisa della Rocchetta to make Sassicaia in 1968. Word has it Suckling, at 10, was the driving force in the decision to make Cabernet in the region. Fascinating tale...

by the way Nicolo Incisa della Rocchetta's nickname at the time was Horsemaster

Dang, y'all...people from Ky can't count in digits above their fingers and toes (why Decanter's 20 was so good).And we can't buy wine without being arrested. (No Bourbon, no bail). Anyway, everybody in Ky has turned tobacco into wine (thank you, tobacco lawsuits) and it will be appearing at the Creation Museum during the Christmas free-for-all, only 5 minutes from CVG.

I hope to see a no holds barred battle between STEVE! and 1WineDoody for social media supremecy at BoWWoW. If STEVE! wins, social media doesn't matter. If WineDoody wins, social media will be declared the answer to all your problems. STEVE! and Doody will be surrounded by a three foot high cage (so they can't escape). The first fighter to score an 89 from the judge is the loser.

"A discussion with Stu Smith, Mary Ewing-Mulligan and moderator Tawny Kitaen. That’s right, it’s Joly with MulliganTawny Stu." I am SO SORRY - that pun is beyond horrible. That pun is an egregious blot upon the art of punnery. There are limits to how bad a pun can be. You have demolished them. You have pushed the pun fences back so far that no one will ever hit one out of the pun park again. For shame! Oh, and... congratulations.

All of this reminds me of the fabulous Paul Masson Wine Museum in San Francisco. It was later packed up in the mid-seventies and moved to Waterloo, Ontario (in the middle of nowhere) as Seagram's had bought Masson and inherited the museum. When Seagram's was sold (or dismembered, accounts vary) the Museum was shipped off to quite a few places, including some universities and other wineries. The integrity of the collection was compromised since it was scattered.

Subscribe to the HoseMaster via Email

About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

Follow the HoseMaster

Meaningless Awards

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."