The Best of Late Night

"It's tax season. You always gotta be careful. In fact, I always ask my date for a receipt."

-David Letterman

"In Germany, a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles removed. When she woke up, the doctor had given her breast implants. Afterwards, the doctor said, 'Hey — no one’s looking at her wrinkles anymore.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to television. She will be hosting the Today Show. Here’s the scary thing: President Bush knew but failed to act."

-David Letterman

"In a speech to union leaders yesterday, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa and I think she's right on with that comparison because people seem to forget -- Rocky lost to a good-looking black guy."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose. He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator."

-David Letterman

"Not such a great day at CBS. They’re laying off a bunch of news guys. Apparently they have to make room for Andy Rooney’s eyebrows."

-Craig Ferguson

"While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, 'That's an April Fool's joke, right?'"

-Jay Leno

"And yesterday down in Washington D.C., President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. ... He stayed and then left in the 7th inning and I thought, 'Great, at least he has an exit strategy for that.'"

-David Letterman

"The Washington Post reports that John McCain is having trouble raising enough money for his campaign. Plus, every time someone does donate money to McCain, he puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren."

-Conan O'Brien

"Well, in a stunning announcement, Pennyslvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, because he's a Democrat, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he endorsed because of his four young daughters told him they wanted Barack for president. It also explains his choice for vice president -- Hannah Montana"