According to a source, Prince Harry plans to release an apologetic statement next week regarding his genitals. The thing is, you see, is that he only got his ween fondled on camera because he is about to ship off to Afghanistan to defend freedom! Why do you HATE THE TROOPS!? Says the source:

"Harry regrets the embarrassment he has caused the royal family around the world and plans on apologizing for his antics. He got a stern-telling off from his father, Prince Charles, as well as the Queen, who reminded him of his responsibilities as a member of the royal family. Even on vacation, the Prince has to realize that he is an ambassador for the country and should behave appropriately...Harry just wanted to let off a bit of steam with his pals before heading to Afghanistan where he will renew his army commitments—but he made a lapse of judgment after a boozy day of partying."

Also apparently everyone is mad at Harry's bodyguards—who are "paid for with tax-payers' money"—for not confiscating all cameras and recording equipment. To repeat: Prince Harry has a publicly funded team of 24-hour dong police. Just to repeat. Okay bye. [Radar]

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Joan Rivers went on Twitter and was all, "Rihanna confessed to Oprah Winfrey that she still loves Chris Brown. Idiot! Now it's MY turn to slap her." Rihanna, who wasn't super jazzed about the whole thing, fired back: "@Joan_Rivers wow u really do get slow when you're old huh? Slap on some diapers." Oooooooooooooo!!! Oh, Joan. Can't you tell this isn't going to go well? No matter how stupid people's decisions might appear, it's never a good look to threaten victims of violence with physical violence for having conflicting feelings about that violence. But still, this is almost as good as when Chingy had that Google+ feud with Ed Asner. [Bossip]

L.L. Cool J will not face any criminal charges for beating the living shit out of a burglar he caught inside his home. But boooooooy did he do a number on this dude:

The rapper-actor put the hurt on a 56-year-old homeless man named Jonathan Kirby after the latter broke into his Van Nuys home at 1 a.m. Wednesday morning, breaking the guy's nose, jaw and ribs while holding him down until the cops arrived.

This was Kirby's third strike—if convicted he faces 38 years to life. [E!]

Usher has been awarded primary custody of his two sons Usher Raymond V and Naviyd, following a drawn-out, contentious custody fight with ex Tameka Foster:

"It's a relief it's over," an insider tells Us Weekly, confirming the news first reported on TMZ. "An independent party looked at the evidence and did the right thing." Foster, TMZ reports, has retained "some custodial rights" in the ruling.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are selling the house they bought from Brad Pitt seven months ago. They've raised the price $1 million above the purchase price, because they left a "celebrity surprise" in one of the closets. (The surprise is a poop!) [Us]

Some people think that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger should have an all-Canadian playlist at their wedding, which is RACIST. [MTV]

Two former members of the band Atomic Kitten are both playing Cinderella in panto at different venues in Liverpool at the same time this Christmas. Weird, guys. [Express]

January Jones's "mystery man" is "revealed." His name is Jeremy. Question: If nobody on earth was curious about a "mystery," and then that "mystery" is "revealed," can I take a nap now? [JustJared]

Tom Cruise surprised son Connor at his DJ set in London and, by all accounts, it was very adorable. [TMZ]