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Nkirdizzle tagged me on this post “A Little Chat With My 13 Year Old Self” and I thought well it would be really nice to know what a futuristic me would have told me. It aint much simply because I love spontaneity thus knowing what would transpire would really kill some brilliant moments :D!! Others who have done it are Chiira and cdohnio. So here goes…

Dear Barbra of age 13,

Greetings from the future! Wait, do not be afraid, I come in peace! I have something for ya!

Well, you know what this age means eh? You’re now entering Teen Haven! Well, not quite! Its gonna be a while mpaka you ‘blossom’ hehe!

My dear, you are in standard eight now. Lots to do, lots to cram. I know you love reading, acting and music and yes, you are very talented. However, somehow I think these are the reason why you never got that A everyone said you should get. You’re getting a B+. Not too bad eh?

In addition to that, you should be happy because acting is good for ya. Not now though, some people are indeed better at this! But you will get there. Don’t mind Mr Matsigulu, he’s gonna come round some time soon. And Skull will eventually go to hell..yea..I know you’ve been praying for that!

What to expect? As I said, a B+, some attention from the boys, (told ya ur gonna bloom late!) but not enough to avert you from Jesus! Yea, U will be a fiery saved chiquitta!

I don wanna spoil the mood by telling U the whole future but I will tell you this. That decision you made beginning of the year will fall through. It was the best. Don’t give a hoot about what peeps say. You’ll finally get to be who you’ve always wanted to be!

I am frustrated. And its not just me, my boss too. Why? I AM INNEFFICIENT! Yes. It may look all rosy on the outside, but enyewe I have no one to blame but ME! I don’t like negative words so I avoid them as much as I can. But at this point I am trying as much as possible to resist shouting to myself and hitting my head on the wall whilst saying “STUPID!! STUPID!! STUPID!!”.

I have no idea why I did this to myself and upto now I am still trying to figure it out.

Ok, so why am I inefficient? Here’s the thing. I was given like the umpteenth chance to redeem myself at work. And when I say umpteenth I do mean umpteenth!!! Probably my immediate superior will read this and wonder kwani what the hell I was doing when all those words were being hurled at me! Its a new position and I need to make it relevant. I am taking up stuff already being handled by others and God knows that isn’t easy. I am so frustrated and angry at myself. SO ANGRY. Yea yea, this is kinda public and kinda personal but hey…its me! This is whats happening. I am mad. Mad angry. And I haven’t the slightest clue how I am gonna fair the next coupla days! Huh!

Okay, I need to stop. We do have our crazy moments at times. This one is mine. And I am sharing it with the whole world. People who know me will now wonder if they knew me. Yes. I am innefficient. Yes. I am lazy. Yes. I am stupid. Yes. I am down. Yes, I am inexperienced. Then why the hell do I have this job? Why the hell do I still have YET ANOTHER CHANCE?????

Reason??? They see something in me. They see potential. They see my brilliance. They see my uniqueness. They see my smartness. You know what? This kinda reminds me of some episodes of America’s Next Top Model. Where Tyra and the rest of the judges would call up a girl on judging day and tell her how she’s so pretty and has all this potential yet she has nothing to show for it. I feel like those girls now. I feel inadequate. I feel horrible. No, don’t console me. I need to feel this. I have to. Its the only way I can get it through my head.

And me? Do I think I have potential? Yes! I do believe I am smart and I have what it takes. I am the one who suggested the position in the first place. I felt it. I have the passion for the organisation. Why doesn’t it show? I have no clue. Imagine that! What kind of a person am I? You must be thinking I am such an instable person. What kind of a mad woman goes in public and cries to the world her frustrations???? Sheesh!! yes. I do think I can do it. Why I am not reeeeallly doing it…now thats the question I need to go ask myself.

I plan to go home today and bang my head in the wall a few times. Maybe like 50 times. Maybe then my apparent brilliance will bounce back. No, I’m not mental. I am fine. Just need a wall and some space. Oh and bandages too. Those will come in handy. I am not laughing. I wish I could.

Harsh? Yes, why not. Let it be this way. Let it even be more. I am stupid. I need theraypy. No, a few hundred bangs on the head might do the trick. Then pick me at Nairobi Hospital and I will be good to go.

Am I a fake? I claim to be brilliant. To be creative. To be smarter than I think. To be multi-talented. So many other things. Where is all this? Where is the proof? My former boss may say something about it, but now, come to think of it, maybe she cant. Maybe she was like “phew! Good riddance” when I quit.

I will get back on my feet. And I have to do it fast. I know I said this will be short. Yes, apparently I am a liar too.
But not to worry. Tomorrow is another day. I always believe that I don’t carry forward vents of the yester. Maybe thats a lie too.

Maybe not.

All I know is that at this moment in time. I just want to go home and bury my head in the sand. Maybe a pizza will cheer me up. I wish I had booked it in time. Or a cup of coffee I was offered by a friend. But I wouldnt be any good company at this state.
Bla bla bla. I have blabbered. This is me. This is the real me. I am naïve. I am young. I am learning. I know nothing. Don’t be fooled.

Well I was bored. And I hadn’t posted anything in a while so there. Thats why.

I’m at home. Nursing my wounds… No, just nursing!. I went for surgery on Monday. There was something I needed to take care of and I finally had the means to do so! Whoopeee!!

To be honest, I am so proud of me. Really proud.

Now its recovery time. And boy oh boy am I bored. I don’t know whether the title of “Workaholic” befits me but enyewe I’m not the kind of person who yearns for 3-day weekends! I rarely go out and, coffee dates…wait, what are those? Exactly! I tend to be by myself a lot. And I am very particular when it comes to spending money! In other words, I call myself an economist. Going out for me needs to be budgeted for! Actually, almost everything for me needs to be budgeted for, planned ahead, etcetera etcetera.

Funny, I call myself spontaneous….. hmmm…..

I have never gone “under the knife” nor had a “nip and tuck” (Hehe am tryna be funny here! Work with me!) bur honestly, that experience was amazing. I mean, you get goosebumps all over and you talk with the doctor and he’s all cool calm and collected (unlike you!—thats why you never did medicine!) telling you to relax…its just an hour long operation ….and you’re on safe hands…am experienced….and don’t worry…you wont feel a thing….and all that nonesence stuff! In your head you cant stop thinking OMG! OMG! OMG! How is it gonna be! OMG! Am I okay? OMG! What the fkuc is anasthesia? OMG! Say what? I wont feel nothing? PHEW!!! Your worst fears are over and you smile back at him and follow him to the operating room.

Hmm…that light is big I say! Oh why are there so many people in here? Didn’t you say its a small operation?

Yes dear, don’t worry. These are students and they’re here to learn. You don’t mind now do you?

Oh no, of course not! I don’t mind…except you never told me am gonna be a lab rat! Kwani who do you think I am? You just wanna cut me up infront of these strangers and…

I don’t give a isht who they are! I ain’t no lab rat… I am a well respected……. ooh! Is that a poodle? Ive always loved poodles! Here pretty pretty pretty! Come to mama….come to ma… ZZZzzzzz….

And that darn anasthesia kicks in. Hours later I find myself in bed and shaking like a leaf in autumn…wait…we don’t have autumn in Kenya! Oops my bad! OK…like a leaf in….er……Limuru. So, where was I, umm..oh, here, so I wake up shaking like a you-know-what in you-know-where (OK am being silly now!) and my friends are looking at me in disbelief…I ask myself, kwani am dead ama? It seems like am awake bur am not…WTH!!??

I try to mumble afew words but nadda! I wonder… Then the doc comes in and tells me to wake up. That the procedure went well.

And here are what we removed.

Eew!! are you trying to kill me again?! He hids the whatever-he-had and smiles and goes away.

And the rest is history.

Voila, am at home and recovering. That was my version of the story. I think someone laced the anasthesia with some pot…hmm…i wonder,,,,,,

Nice tym y’all!

Oh, and I have no lights! Darn KPLC! NB: Here in Kenya, ‘lights’ and ‘electricity’ mean the same thing!

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Yes. I am here. I am back. Back to WordPress. Again. Its weird. Very weird…no not weird! I’m the weird one. I keep going back and forth. Something hits me and I just have to write. Just have to blog. I guess thanks to akina @Chiira and the likes for promoting WordPress that much. I wonder…will this become a sort of personal journal or simply a medium for sharing my thoughts? Will I have the courage to relay my personal stuff here? Will I really? Ok, maybe not all, but I guess I will. Somehow. Or not.

So here’s to new beginnings…again! Here’s to WordPress…for reeling me in again. Lets see who wins. Lest see if I will love this better than the other one. Lest see if I will make this a reality. Someone out there will ask me.”kwani nini mbaya na wewe? How many blogs do you have?” then I will tell them, I cant help it. I am addicted. Addicted to writing. Relaying my mind out.

That’s why I came up with the title. It catches my Nairobiness, my Kenyanness, where I go “Me I think…” and the rest follows. Whatever the topic of the day is…i will always start by saying me I think that so and so bla bla bla…see!