Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Things I learned from the movies:
1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.
13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.
14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.
15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite.
16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.
20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.
21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second.
22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.
23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.
24. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.
25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.
26. No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times.
27. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.
28. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
29. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.
30. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings — especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
32. Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason.
33. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
36. Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance.
37. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
38. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
39. An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
40. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
41. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
42. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
43. If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.
44. All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios.
45. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
46. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
47. If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen.
48. If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a sharp turn involving a skid.
49. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
50. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.