Just wanted to leave a wee note to say that I’m jetting off on my honeymoon today and will be happily ignoring everything internet and writing related for 10 glorious days.

I’m not deluded enough to think that folks will miss me during a measly 10-day absence but… just in case anyone does wonder where I am, know that I’m okay and not dead and I probably have a nice big glass of wine in my hand. The following gif is a fairly accurate representation of what I’ll be up to: Continue reading “Smell Ya Later | Blog”

Don wakes up with a taste in his mouth that is reminiscent of the arse end of a badger. His head throbs and his stomach feels raw and empty. He’s slumped against the locked door of his local pub, and all around him is chaos.

People are running up and down the street, some carrying baseball bats, others lugging cardboard boxes, more still swigging from beer cans and bottles of liquor. Most of them have hoods pulled low over their faces and they’re shouting and screaming, whooping and laughing. Continue reading “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em | Flash Fiction”

The fortune teller doesn’t notice that her cigarette is slowly burning down to the filter, dropping ash onto her yellowed fingers and the table beneath them. Instead, she is mesmerised by the images in her crystal ball. Continue reading “Ash | Flash Fiction”

Oh, hello! I would say long time no speak, but it’s only been a little over a week. It feels like an age, though… I’ve missed hanging out in this little writerly corner of the internet.

First things first, thank you for all your lovely well wishes and congratulations on my last blog post. Your lovely comments have given me the warm-and-fuzzies and I really appreciate you taking the time to write them. Continue reading “And Now I Come Crawling Back | Blog”

This blog post is not nearly as dramatic as the title would suggest, I just fancied trying my hand at some clickbait. It’s as unfulfilling as I thought it would be. I just wanted to let you know that you can expect radio silence from me for the next week or so because I’m getting married in six days. Bloody hell…. six days!

My fiancé and I have been engaged for over 18 months and during that time we came *this* close to booking two different venues, actually booked a third one before cancelling it several months later (don’t ask), and then found ourselves spending weekend after weekend painting and DIY-ing and obsessively gardening to get our house in good enough order to host an intimate and “relaxed” wedding reception at home. It’s been quite a journey… Continue reading “I’ve Had Enough | Blog”

Are you tired of the signs of aging? Are wrinkles, sagging skin, and sun spots getting you down? Is your figure not what it once was? Has your figure never been up to scratch? Do you have stubborn fat lurking around your middle? Is your hair turning grey and losing volume? Do you hate looking in the mirror?

Age Reversal Laboratories has the solution: DNA Body Rejuvenation Therapy™.

This all-new cosmetic procedure is perfect for individuals who desire a full body makeover with a single, simple procedure. We can turn back the years in a matter of months. You’ll look younger and feel more confident than ever before. It all begins with your DNA.

What is DNA Body Rejuvenation Therapy™?

You’ve all heard of Dolly the Sheep, right? Well, our technology is the very same as that used to create the famous Dolly, only more advanced, more reliable, and more versatile.

Here’s how it works:

First, you’ll have a consultation with one of expert physicians to discuss the age-related issues you’re dealing with. Then, you’ll talk results. Let us know exactly how you’d like to look, and we’ll make your dreams come true. Stronger cheekbones, perkier buttocks, glossier hair — whatever your vision of your perfect self, we can make it a reality.

Next, we’ll take a small vial of your blood. This the vital elixir which acts as the basis for your brand new body! We’ll retrieve your DNA and use our patented Gene Rejuvenation Technology™ to tweak it, giving you the perfect features you’ve always desired. It’s still your DNA, only better.

Once we’ve tailored your DNA to perfection, the talented technicians in our Growth Lab will quickly get to work on growing a brand new you. Our Advanced Body Growth Tonic™ allows us to mature your cloned body within just three months, rather than years. Think of it like the fertiliser you use in your garden, only for human bodies instead of plants — simple!

The Procedure

Now comes the exciting part.

When your new body has reached maturity, it is humanely slaughtered and prepared for transplant.* The surgery is incredibly simple; we just move your brain from your old body right into your new one…

It started when my boss asked for a strong black coffee. My mind catapulted to those cool Sunday mornings when I’d wake you up with a freshly made cup. The house would be tinged in the pale yellow of the early spring sun, and you’d smile at me, eyes still closed, as soon as the aroma of coffee roused you from sleep.

At lunch, it was a dress that did it. Dark blue and covered in little white spots, worn by the woman who stood in front of me in the queue at the supermarket. You had a dress just like it. At least, I think you did; it looked like something you would wear. But I suppose I never paid enough attention. Your wardrobe now is a hazy memory – a blur of blues and whites and greys and every now and again, when I insisted it suited you, a splash of red. Continue reading “I Remember | Flash Fiction”