Tag Archives: survive

In the past several months since my parents have stopped speaking to me, I’ve gained quite an education.

One thing I’ve learned is about survival mode. Survival mode is a way of behaving in an abusive situation. Basically, your emotions are shut off & you do whatever you need to in order to get through the awful situation. Barely speaking so as not to say something that upsets your abuser, for example.

I’ve learned that survival mode doesn’t necessarily end when the relationship ends. In my case, my parents didn’t say outright that they never wanted to speak to me again- they just stopped calling me. I think that is why I stayed in survival mode for months after our last conversations, I didn’t know for sure if they’d call or not. When I realized months had passed since I’ve heard from them (11 for my mother, 4 for my father to date- not her longest silent treatment, but it is his) only then did survival mode end. This happened with my in-laws too. I stopped speaking to them in 2002, but survival mode didn’t end for months after.

I think this means that the brain wants to be completely, 110% sure that the abusers are gone before it can relax. Survival mode is all about protecting you, so it makes sense the brain would want to be absolutely certain all danger is gone before it exits survival mode.

I’ve also learned that once survival mode is gone, emotions come out. Naturally when you’re in survival mode, your emotions get put on the back burner because you’re focused only on surviving. Once the danger is gone, emotions come to the surface, including ones that have been suppressed for a long time. It can feel overwhelming especially when you haven’t dealt with them for a very long time. However, I firmly believe it’s necessary to deal with them.

Without the burden of focusing on survival, I feel like I’m noticing every little thing. Unfortunately, part of that includes triggers. They seem to happen constantly. The other day, I saw a TV show where this lady’s son in-law cheated on her daughter. Although the daughter forgave him & he promised to mend his ways, the mother still was very upset. When she told her son in-law that there is no pain worse than watching your child suffer & you not being able to fix it, I flashed back to the fight I had with my parents last May. My father changed the subject to really odd topics to deflect my yelling at him. My mother sighed an obviously bored sigh as I cried & yelled at her until I gave up & told her if she had anything to say before I hang up, do it now. Her chance to apologize turned into her whining about having vertigo (for the record, I have it too- yes, it sucks, but you’d think when your normally calm, rational daughter is that upset, that might just take priority..). I realized that caring parent isn’t something I’ll ever have, & it hurt me enough to make me burst into tears, something I rarely do.

In order to handle these experiences, I rely on God a LOT. I tell Him how I feel & He reassures me, comforts me & explains what’s happening. He also shows me things that help. For example, I can be scrolling through Facebook when a meme or article that pertains to my situation pops up, & the information in it is very helpful to me.

I also write in my journal- seeing things written out is a good way to gain clarity. Not sure why that is, but it’s true. Seeing events written out as well as my feelings has helped me to see the situation clearer, instead of through the eyes of someone whose views are skewed hurt by narcissistic abuse.

Talking about things with a safe person is helpful too. I’ve told my husband some of what’s been going on. Sometimes, he gets angry or looks completely shocked by things I’ve shared about my parents. That lets me know it’s not normal! When you grow up with narcissists, abuse & bizarre is your normal. Even as an adult, it can be hard to let go of that & embrace the healthy & good things. Having someone you love & trust say that certain things were wrong or bizarre is helpful in letting go of those bad beliefs.

Dear Reader, if you too have been in survival mode for a long time, these things may happen with you too. Or maybe they’re happening already. If so, please rest assured that you are fine! It may not feel that way but you are. Ending survival mode is truly a good thing. Your mind & body finally can relax, & you can deal with those long buried emotions.

Recently I was inspired to create something to help inspire those who have suffered narcissistic abuse. (Well, ok, I stole the idea but with full blessings of the creator of it. lol)

I started making origami butterflies that I will be glad to give away to anyone wanting one. The premise behind this is to remind victims of narcissistic abuse that they are like the butterfly- they may have entered a dark lonely place (narcissistic abuse) like a caterpillar entering the chrysalis, then like the butterfly, they emerged beautifully. Just because they were once stuck in that place didn’t mean that they would stay that way forever.

My hope is that these little butterflies also will help to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse & the serious damage it causes.

For further information & to learn how to get one, please click the link below.

I have been asked quite a few times how long it takes to recover fully from narcissistic abuse. I believe it to be a lifelong battle, unfortunately. However, I don’t want to discourage you with that, because there is good news. Although it can be a lifelong battle, it does get easier!

You will stumble sometimes, but even so, you are constantly getting stronger as you heal. The more wisdom you gain about NPD & the effects of its abuse, the more strength it gives you. You finally realize it wasn’t your fault, & that you’re suffering the normal effects of abnormal treatment.

The dark times of depression come less frequently & don’t last as long when they come.

There are times you feel stuck, as if you are always going to be depressed, anxious, or feel like you’re going crazy. But, the longer you have been healing, the less frequently those times happen. They, like depression, won’t last as long on the rare occasions when they happen.

Your self-esteem soars. Sure, sometimes you may backslide into feeling like the worthless piece of garbage your narcissistic mother always said you were, but at least that isn’t how you constantly feel anymore. They’re merely fleeting moments. When you realize this dysfunctional thinking is happening, you remind yourself that isn’t true. Healthy self-esteem also stops the dysfunctional people-pleasing at your own expense ways many children of narcissistic parents possess.

You try to practice good self-care rituals- prayer, relaxing activities, participating in fun hobbies. Granted, sometimes you let your schedule get too busy, but the healthier you become, the quicker you are to realize this mistake & make the appropriate changes.

I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to change how you think about your recovery. While it may be a lifelong battle with no definite end, try to focus instead on the good that comes during your healing. Focus on each baby step, every bit of progress you make. Your narcissistic mother tried to destroy you, but she didn’t! You are like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Little by little, you are getting healthier & happier. Maybe right now you aren’t where you want to be, & feel like you have a long way to go. How about instead focusing on how far you have come? You are no longer that wounded, dysfunctional little child, but instead are a grown woman who is getting stronger & healthier each day!

Recently, I was told what I write about is too negative. I’m sure many of you have heard similar things for talking or writing about your experiences with narcissistic abuse. I’m writing this for you, Dear Reader. I hope it helps you. xoxo

I’ll admit, the main topic of my writing, narcissism & narcissistic abuse, aren’t exactly positive, happy topics! I’ll also admit that sometimes, it gets to me, writing about such dark things. That being said, I will continue to write about what I write about for several reasons.

To start with, I believe this to be a calling from God, & I take any calling from Him very seriously. Everyone has a calling, usually several during the course of their lives. Ephesians 4:11-13 states, “And His gifts were [varied; He Himself appointed and gave men to us] some to be apostles (special messengers), some prophets (inspired preachers and expounders), some evangelists (preachers of the Gospel, traveling missionaries), some pastors (shepherds of His flock) and teachers. 12 His intention was the perfecting and the full equipping of the saints (His consecrated people), [that they should do] the work of ministering toward building up Christ’s body (the church) 13 [That it might develop] until we all attain oneness in the faith and in the comprehension of the [full and accurate] knowledge of the Son of God, that [we might arrive] at really mature manhood (the completeness of personality which is nothing less than the standard height of Christ’s own perfection), the measure of the stature of the fullness of the Christ and the completeness found in Him.” (AMP)

Also, writing about what I learn helps me to make sense of the things I have gone through, as well as to help others to do the same. So many who have suffered with narcissistic abuse are struggling to make sense of it all. I can help a little by sharing my experiences as well as what I have learned.

Writing about things also helps to loosen the hold the abuse has on me. By being open about things, I am losing the shame I once felt for being abused, & am able to see more & more how none of it was my fault. This not only helps me, but enables me to get the message to other victims that being abused is NOT their fault.

It also helps to make my pain count for something. Knowing I am able to help other people means my pain was not in vain. Something good has come from something horrible!

Also, by being open about the taboo topic of narcissistic parents, it helps to raise awareness of this insidious, evil form of abuse. It makes it safe for victims to talk about it with other victims instead of quietly suffering alone. So many are afraid to talk about what their mother did to them, because so many people put mothers on a pedestal. People make victims feel guilty for being abused, as if it was their fault! They can’t seem to grasp that a mother would abuse her child. Certainly the child must be exaggerating. Of course the mother made mistakes- no one is perfect- & the child should forgive the mother. And, let’s not forget “honor thy mother” seems to mean “allow thy mother to abuse you” to many people. Because of people like this, as well as the ignorance surrounding Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there needs to be more awareness of this horrible phenomenon.

Don’t let anyone quiet you for talking about your experiences with your narcissistic mother, father, sibling, grandparent, friend, spouse or co-worker. You aren’t being negative by discussing your experiences. And, chances are, by discussing them, you are not only helping yourself to process your horrendous experiences, you are also helping to enlighten others who need to hear your story! So be open- talk about it!

I was recently reading a very good email from Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” It’s an incredibly good book for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Anyway, her email was discussing the new book she has coming out soon. She included an exercise in the email for helping you to get to know who you really are. She called it “An inner selfie”. Collect pictures from magazines or from the internet that represent some aspect of yourself.

I’ve done something similar this & it really does help you to get to know & inspire yourself. I have several folders of pictures on my tablet full of pictures that speak to me in some way. I have a folder of pictures that are uniquely feminine- flowers, beautiful women that I would like to model myself after, & other images. There are several folders of various pictures that help me to feel good- one has images of Ireland, another a cabin deep in the woods in a blizzard, another has pictures of the beautiful interiors of luxurious trains, still another contains pictures of Claude Monet’s paintings, another a couple of cute vintage & beautifully restored campers. I also have a folder full of pictures of inspirational quotes & another full of informative & validating quotes about mental health.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, as you know if you too have one, means you grow up not knowing who you are. You’re simply whatever your mother wants you to be, not the person God made you to be. It’s the same way if you were romantically involved with a narcissist. Today, why don’t you make a decision to learn who you are? Start by collecting pictures that you’re attracted to. Each one will reveal a little bit about who you really are inside, & help you to get to know yourself. You may even learn that you like who you are. 🙂

Have you ever thought about what you have been through in your life? I mean, really thought about the things that you have made it through?

If not, I challenge you today to do this. I did this recently. A bad night full of awful nightmares, making me feel the same hurt, anger, anxiety & fear I have felt many times in my life triggered this. I realized that I have been through some really horrible things & I survived them all remarkably well!

I have survived having a narcissistic mother who physically hurt me, who tried to destroy the person I am & make me into whatever she wants me to be, who has betrayed me repeatedly, who used me more times than I can count, still tries to gaslight me to this day, & who hates everything about me. I also survived an ex husband who was much like my mother in how he treated me, constantly gaslighting me, trying to isolate me from my family & friends & morph me into somene he thought I should be instead of accepting who I was. I’ve survived a narcissistic mother in-law & two sisters in-law who hate me & have not exactly made a secret out of that. (Well, with me anyway- they all have put on a good show in front of others, especially my husband.) They also have done their best to cause problems between us, so it’s amazing we are still married. All of these awful things are in addition to the more common problems everyone has in life such as losing loved ones, financial problems & such. When I thought about it, I realized that I am one tough chick! I also realize that without God, I wouldn’t have survived the things I’ve been through as well as I have. In fact, to be totally honest about it, I probably would’ve killed myself years ago. I certainly thought about that enough. Yes, I have problems such as the C-PTSD, but I’m still alive & doing pretty well under the circumstances.

Thinking about all of this has given me a peace & strength I hadn’t felt before. It showed me how strong I am, with God’s help, & how well I can handle crises. It feels good!

What about you? What have you experienced in your life that should have destroyed you? I want to encourage you today to celebrate those victories! Be proud of the things that you have overcome! OK, so you aren’t perfect- no one is! But, you got through & are thriving! You keep pressing on, & try to be a good person. That is much more than so many others do. Many abused people go on to abuse others. They don’t have the “umph” inside to break the cycle, to face their pain. But you do & that is something you should be very proud of!

I was reading something yesterday that said something like (I forget the exact wording), “You’re not a victim- you’re a survivor!” Although that sounds great at first read, I think it also can be a shaming message.

First of all, if you’ve been abused, you are a victim. Period. Nothing can change that. There is no shame in being a victim. The shame belongs to the abuser, not the victim who had no say in being abused.

Second, you always will be a victim of the abuse. That doesn’t mean you spend every waking moment thinking or talking about the abuse- it simply means that something terrible happened to you. You were a victim of someone else’s cruelty & bad choices through no fault of your own.

Third, the message that I have felt from such quotations is that you are to be strong, & don’t let what happened affect you anymore. Well, that isn’t very realistic! If you have survived abuse in any form, especially ongoing abuse such as at the hand of a parent or spouse, it always will affect you to some degree. You may be living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & barely functioning each day, or you may function well, but be very cynical in how you judge people, or somewhere in between, but you will be affected in some way, shape or form by what happened. No one escapes abuse unscathed.

What I am trying to say is be balanced in how you view yourself. While yes, you are a victim, you have survived, & hopefully thrived. Even so, there may be some bad days where you feel more like a victim than a survivor, & that is OK! It happens to everyone, & is a natural effect of living through abuse. You can’t feel like a tough survivor every single day.

Personally, I prefer to use the term “conquerer.” A conquerer is strong, which is what survivors of abuse are as well. We find the strength to escape the abuse, then to heal, often with little or no support from others. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of strength we can muster to get out of bed in the morning, but somehow we find that strength & do it anyway. We resist the inclination to become bitter, uncaring or even abusive, & are loving to others as well- that takes a great deal of strength & courage. (So many abusers were abused themselves, yet didn’t have the strength to break that cycle.) Conquerers are also imperfect. While great conquerors have won many battles, they also lost many, many soldiers in these battles. They also made very serious mistakes, some even leading to their downfalls. Yet, they remained passionate fighters. If these phrases don’t describe someone who has survived abuse & is fighting to heal, I don’t know what would.

I would like to encourage you today to think about how you view yourself.

I am making progress on my new book about narcissistic mothers. As of today, it’s at 38,500 words (needs to be 40-60,000). Gettin’ there! And thank God for that, because this is one very hard book to write! I’m very surprised at just how challenging it is. After writing my autobiography, “Emerging From The Chrysalis,” I was sure everything else I’d ever write would be a walk in the park. Seeing the traumatic events of my life written out in black & white was very hard for me, yet validating at the same time. This book is not the same..not even close!

Devoting an entire book to the topic of maternal narcissism has been a daunting task. I know a lot on the topic, but I was unsure if I had enough to fill up a whole book. I have asked God to help me out- make sure I leave nothing out of this book, & please teach me what I didn’t know that He wanted to be included. He has answered those prayers. I have been learning a lot! Things to include about the book as well as things in my personal life that I never thought of as abusive before.

For example, today I was writing about isolation being the favorite tool of all abusers, why they do it, & how engulfing narcissitic mothers (like mine) excel at isolating their children from others. After writing some on the topic, I decided to research it online, to see if there was anything I forgot. What I read slapped me in the face. Hard. Here is a portion of it:

“The abuser may “assign” the victim numerous domestic duties designed to keep her at home. “

(see the full article here: http://www.abigails.org/Saul&David/control%20&%20isolation.htm)
Wow. I never thought of this as abusive behavior! My ex-husband’s mother used to do this to me during the brief time we lived with his parents. I never understood why I had to work so much for her. I was responsible for all housework, balancing her checkbook, & maintaining paperwork & records for my ex’s father’s trucking business. Other miscellaneous tasks were assigned to me as well. There were three other adults in the house- why was so much on me? I now wonder if was because my ex was very much into isolating me, & if she was “helping” him by keeping me so busy. They were a very dysfunctional family, so that is a distinct possibility. Also the only answer I can come up with at the moment.

Thinking back, she also didn’t like me spending time with friends or having them over to our house. Another isolating behavior.

Whatever the reasoning behind this behavior, this new realization hurts. I loved his mother a great deal- she & I were good friends, & often had a lot of fun together, in spite of the frequent problems in our relationship during the time of living together.

*sigh*

Something else to process. Yay for me.. not.

Sometimes it seems like healing is the most frustrating, never-ending thing in the world, & sometimes I get so tired of new revelations that show me just how abused I have been in my life. Honestly, it gets depressing! I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, but it is hard to avoid 100% of the time. I know it can be healthy to indulge in a bit of self-pity sometimes, but even so, it doesn’t feel nice. Learning these things also makes me wonder what is it about me that makes people think it’s ok to abuse me?! Do I behave in a certain way that says “Go ahead- hurt me. Treat me like dirt. It’s fine!” UGH!

In spite of my lousy mood, though, I’m still glad that God is helping me to heal, learn & grow. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it can be frustrating. However, it also is helping me understand behaviors & people a lot better. It’s answering some questions, like why do I get angry or hurt when people behave a certain way. Like with my ex- mother in-law. Her list of “duties” for me to do every day used to really make me angry at the unfairness of the amount of duties I had to contend with compared to everyone else in the house. But, I never knew why until today. Now, I understand, & feel validated. Angry, but validated, & at least the anger won’t last long- I am usually pretty quick to forgive.

This really lousy mood is telling me that it’s time to relax. Maybe stop working on the book for a little while, too. Relax, turn on some good music or watch a good movie or tv show, do some nurturing behavior that makes me feel good like crafting or snuggling the furkids. & no cooking- hubby is either taking me out tonight or we will have something delivered.

I turned on my television today, & in a very short span of time, saw more ads regarding Mother’s Day than I can remember. I quickly turned it back off rather than listen to the drivel about how wonderful all mothers are, & how much they deserve jewelry & flowers on May 11th.

Since I’m hardly the only daughter of a narcissistic mother, I thought I’d write about what Mother’s Day can mean to us.

It is the day we dread most of the year, isn’t it? It certainly is for me. It’s so hard to want to celebrate your mother when she has done her best to make your life a living hell ever since you were born. Plus, you know she expects admiration, gifts & cards. Not fun. Especially when it seems like everyone thinks you should fawn all over your mother, no matter how she treats you.

Society can be so dysfunctional.

I know all too well that commandment that says we should honor our parents. However, I don’t believe it’s honorable to shower any abuser, even a parent, with insincere praise & gifts. Honoring someone God’s way means showing them respect & courtesy, not being fake. Besides, such a demonstration rewards bad behavior. It shows your mother she can do anything to you that she wants to do, & you still will pamper her. How is that honorable?

So what is a good, honorable way to handle such a difficult day with your narcissistic, abusive mother? To start with, pray. Ask God what He wants you to do, & how to handle Mother’s Day. He will give you the best advice you can ask for. Also, follow what you feel in your heart that you’re capable of doing. If it isn’t much, don’t feel bad! Any abusive mother is blessed if her adult child has any relationship with her at all, because even if she has changed for the better, child abuse causes pain & scars that last a lifetime. By having a relationship with your narcissistic mother, you’re showing what a kind, good person you are.

Whatever you do for your mother, do it with excellence. I’m not saying buy her a huge diamond ring when you barely can pay rent. What I mean is do your best even if it’s something small. Every year, I mail my mother the nicest, prettiest card I can find. I know she takes the messages to heart in cards, so I find the prettiest one I can find, with a picture I know she’ll like, & the simplest verse. Something like, “Happy Mother’s Day! Enjoy!” I’m not above finding a pretty, blank on the inside card if I can’t find one that is simple enough for my liking. I can’t feel right about giving my mother some fake, “You’re the best mom ever!” kind of card that I don’t mean. But, I’m fine with a pretty card wishing her a nice Mother’s Day. And, she seems satisfied with the cards. It works for us both.

Granted, what I do for my mother isn’t much compared to others, but I’m honestly not capable of doing more after a lifetime of abuse. I believe God prefers His children to be sincere rather than phoney. You need to remember that what you do to genuinely bless your mother, on Mother’s Day & every day, will give you peace, & God will be proud of you.

Also, don’t forget to be good to yourself on Mother’s Day! Whether you have kids or furkids like I do, you’re still a mom! Or, if you don’t have either, that’s ok- take care of yourself on a difficult day. You deserve it! 🙂

There is one last thing I feel I should share with you. I’ve often berated myself for not being a better daughter- for not calling my parents more often, or suggesting we do things together. (Usually this happens around Mother’s or Father’s Day). Sadly, I can’t make myself improve in these areas- I’ve tried! But do you know what? After praying about it, God showed me that under the circumstances, I’m not a bad daughter. My parents have abused me, & shown no remorse for it. They’re lucky I speak to them at all, & me not wanting to spend time with them is normal. They are reaping what they’ve sown. Keep this in mind regarding your situation, too. Everyone reaps what they sow, whether they sow good or bad things. I know it can be hard to remember sometimes, but remember it anyway. ❤

OK, since many folks wanted to know how me seeing my former teacher went along with breakfast with my parents today, here’s the update….
I arrived first, hardly a shock since my mother is always late (all about control). She arrived alone a few minutes later. Said Dad was still at the chiropractors’ office & would be by any minute. Fine. We sat down inside, & talked. A few moments later, a lady Mom knew stopped by – she is the mom of someone I went to elementary school with. During the short chat, this lady said I was pretty four times. Mom wasn’t happy- jealous, I guess. She cut her off several times to discuss other trivial matters until the lady left. She told me the lady was ‘slow’ & ‘not very bright’ repeatedly after she left..
Finally Dad arrived. I went to wave to him, & another man behind him seemed to think I was flirtatious, but quickly realized I wasn’t waving at him pointed Dad towards Mom & I…lol. Sorry to the man who smiled at me…lol
Dad then went to the mens’ room. My mother commanded me to place our order. I did, although uneasy since it was crowded, & my agoraphobia was flaring up. My dad stayed with me once he found me in line.
My parents & I ate our breakfast. Eventually, my mother said, ‘There’s Mr. Bledsoe!’ & waved him to our table. He didn’t recognize me, but after 30 years, I wasn’t offended. My mother introduced us, & the first thing he said was, “I’m sorry, my oldest car now is a ’99!”. He remembered how I loved his 56 Ford when I was 10!! Lol. I told him “my classic car is enough for us both!” & showed him what I drive- my granddad’s car. He was impressed. We went back to my parents’ table, & Mom talked over me. I did slip him my business card, & he said Mom mentioned something about me writing. (Then why did she make a point to tell me she told him I don’t work? TWICE!!). He needed to resume work, so said his goodbyes.
The remaining time was rough..Mom insisted on getting my cell phone number I’ve hidden from her for years. She also spent plenty of time telling me how awesome she is- how awesome she is for helping old people when she was growing up, how many animals loved her (way more than mine love me, of course!) & how many male students had a crush on her when she was a teacher….
While Dad wasn’t there, she told me about someone she knows who is married to the grandson of some football player named Johnny Unitis. I didn’t know this football man’s name, so she told Dad I am ‘a retard’ as soon as he got back because I didn’t know him. Nice, eh? I said twice that I hate football & all sports involving a ball- why would I know a player?? Ask me something about NASCAR or NHRA drag racing- I know that. That was ignored.
Two hours after arrival, I wanted to come home. I said I had to go. I pulled out my keys & purse. My mother exclaimed my keys & purse were too heavy- I was going to hurt my back. I reminded her I’ve had worse back problems (like when she threw me into a wall) & walked out.
Yes, I’m hot mad. No, I’m not entirely surprised by how it went…yes, I need to relax by myself for a while…..

I just wanted to remind everyone about the book I’m working on. It will be available for free in ebook format. I’m thinking of entitling it, “Broken But Still Beautiful” or something like that. The topic is how God helps people who have been abused to heal. I want to encourage people that no matter what they have survived, God still has a purpose for them, & wants to help love them through their pain.

No matter what stage of healing you are in, I want your story. Even if you are still being abused, your story can be encouraging to someone, because it will show others that God is always there, even during the darkest times.

I know sharing details of abuse is painful. When I wrote my autobiography, “Emerging From The Chrysalis“, it was among the most painful experiences of my life. However, I felt it was a necessary thing to do. This book also, I feel is necessary. I also want to assure your annonymity by encouraging you to use fake names when you share your story. No one needs to know this is your story- just knowing someone has survived something painful with God’s help will encourage others.

Please pray about sharing your story for inclusion in this book. If you want to see more details, check out this link: Making A Difference

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard things like, “That’s your MOTHER! She’s the only one you’ll ever have!” or, “She won’t be around forever!” or other unasked for advice in telling me what *I* need to do to improve the abusive relationship between my mother & I.

Is it just me? I’m going to go out on a limb here & guess it isn’t just me..

Isn’t it infuriating, feeling like all of the responsibility of a relationship is on you?! Oh my word!!! I flippin’ hate that! Relationships are a two way street. There is a lot of give & take. It doesn’t matter if that relationship is parent/child, family, friendship or romantic. All relationships are give & take. There is nowhere in the Bible that says children must tolerate abuse from their parents. The only verse I’ve found says that children should honor their parents, & no where does the word honor equal being a punching bag or doormat or recipient of abuse. It simply means giving your parents their due respect for giving you life. Period. For further information on this topic, I have written some free ebooks on the topics. Simply click this link for access to them.

I think I am pretty typical of a daughter raised by a narcissistic mother. Like many children of narcissists, I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which means I fight depression, anxiety, insomnia & agoraphobia every day. I am constantly over-aware of the emotions of people around me, on the guard against potentially being hurt (hypervigilance) & have flashbacks & nightmares. I also have a list of insecurities a mile long, I don’t trust people easily, & I expect nothing less than perfection from myself, partly so as not to be a burden anyone.

Because of that feeling of I should be perfect, it has made the C-PTSD even more difficult than it already is. My own husband doesn’t even know how hard it is sometimes, because I don’t tell him much. I can’t burden him with my petty problems, after all. *sighs* I also never have had anyone take care of me, so I have become so accustomed to taking care of myself & my own problems. Leaning on him is almost completely impossible for me. This also means I even have trouble talking to God about it, & asking for His help.

Anyway, I was thinking recently about this & I have no doubt I’m not the only person with C-PTSD like this. I decided to write up a C-PTSD Bill Of Rights- something I could look at to remind myself I don’t have to be perfect all the time. I thought I would share it here.. I hope it helps you too! ❤

C-PTSD Bill Of Rights

I have the right to talk to God about my struggles and my pain. He understands, and will help me as no one else can. He is not angry with me or disappointed in me for having C-PTSD. He loves me no matter what.

I have the right to have a bad day sometimes. When living with this disorder and working on healing, there will be very good and very bad days- that is completely normal.

I have the right to talk about my pain and frustrations with supportive, loving, caring people.

I have the right to accept my limits. Sometimes my best may not be very good no matter how hard I try. (Remember- PTSD causes physical changes in your brain. You are going to forget things sometimes or have difficulty regulating your moods or even finding the right words. This doesn’t mean you are crazy or stupid- it means you have C-PTSD.)

I have the right to say no.

I have the right to ask for help.

I have the right to walk my own individual walk with this disorder. My journey will not be like everyone else’s. That does not make me right or wrong- it makes me an individual.

I have the right to remember painful events from the past. I can learn from the past, and it has made me who I am today. (Remembering the past is NOT the same as dwelling on the past, not letting things go, etc.!)

I have the right to give myself the gift of forgiveness. Not to erase the horrible things done to me, but because I deserve better than carrying around anger and bitterness inside of me. I also need to understand that forgiving my abuser(s) does not mean I will be healed completely- there is some damage that must be worked on, even when complete forgiveness has happened. I also must forgive myself for any wrongs I have committed.

I have the right to take care of myself. I must not only take care of my body but my mind as well. That may mean reducing daily activities or taking more time off. Self-care is vital to my mental health. I must do this for myself as well as those who love me. They deserve the best me I can give them.

I have the right to reject unnecessary negativity and drama in my life, in all its forms, as much as possible to protect my mental health.

I have the right to be who I am, the person God created me to be, no matter who approves or disapproves of me. Just because I have a mental health issue does not mean I am not still a valuable member of society.

Other people have the right not to understand what I am experiencing. That does not give them the right to mistreat me, however, and I have the right not to tolerate their mistreatment of me.

Other people have the right to ask me questions about C-PTSD. I have the right to answer those questions or not, depending on my ability to answer them, and depending on how I feel God wants me to respond.

I have the obligation to make my pain count for something. God is not into waste, and I am not either! I have the obligation to ask God how to use this pain for His glory. He may call me to raise awareness of C-PTSD, help create stricter laws against child abusers, write books or something entirely different. Whatever He asks of me, I always have the right to say no to- He will not love me any less. However, doing what God asks of me will not only bless others, but me as well. God will reward my faithfulness.

I was thinking of something yesterday regarding narcissistic mothers. As you know, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder. For some unknown reason this past June, she changed- she stopped deliberately trying to hurt me every single time we speak. We’ve even had many pleasant conversations in the last 4 months. It’s been so nice in many ways.

In other ways, though, it’s not so great. Although my mother doesn’t deliberately try to hurt me most times, she still does hurt me almost every time we speak. Why? Because she is simply oblivious to what kind of person I am, & doesn’t even listen to most things I say. She didn’t care that I was upset yesterday when we spoke on the phone. I also mentioned my in-laws in passing, & immediately she jumped to their defense, even though I have told her our relationship was so bad, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002. Ever since I first mentioned having in-law issues, my mother has been their number one supporter, as she always does when someone hurts me.

I know most people say that narcissists never change. I believe that isn’t entirely true. My mother has proven that by changing for the better & not being so cruel as she once was. However, although she has improved, all is not well now. I still have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- nothing she can do will fix that. I also still have to be prepared for pain. Like I said, my mother doesn’t often deliberately set out to hurt me, but she still does hurt me often. Also, like I mentioned earlier, it’s because she doesn’t know me or listen to me, but it is also because she has developed a very dysfunctional coping skill. When she remembers unpleasant things, she convinces herself the unpleasant events happened some other way. My mother has convinced herself she was a fantastic mother, always there for me, supportive, & loving. All of the psychological abuse- emotional, mental & verbal abuses- are forgotten, & replaced with words of encouragement in her mind. Throwing me into a wall & hurting my back when I was 19? Forgotten.. I’ve been told I’m lucky I’ve never had back pain.

I’m telling you this because if you too are the child of a narcissistic mother, don’t give up hope. Your mother may change for the better at some point like my mother did, contrary to popular opinion. However, if your mother does change, there still may be pain for you, just in different ways. The best way I have found to cope is to enjoy the good times as much as you can. Have some laughs if possible, & enjoy the moment, however long it lasts. Then when the bad times come, deal with them however you can in a healthy way. Talk to caring, supportive people- friends, relatives or a counselor. Pray- God always wants to listen & offer you comfort. Be gentle with yourself during those hard times- don’t berate yourself for being hurt or angry. Keep your expectations low of your mother- everyone messes up sometimes. No matter how hard she may be trying, she will make mistakes simply because no one is perfect. Set & enforce healthy boundaries for yourself. If you feel unable to spend time with your mother, then don’t spend time with her. In my book, “You Are Not Alone!” (available in ebook form & print here: http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Books%20For%20Sale.htm ), I offer advice on ways to deal with abusive mothers. There is also information available on my website that may help you here: http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Problem_Mothers.htm

Good afternoon, Dear Readers! I hope this post finds you well today & ready to enjoy a lovely autumn weekend!

Yesterday was a very trying day for me. I had to run to the vet’s office & get some medicine for my kitty, Pretty Boy. With agoraphobia, even leaving the house let alone driving 15 miles to the vet is a challenge. Thankfully, the vet’s office is usually one place that I can handle fairly well. For good measure, I took my dog, Dixie along for a ride- her presence helped calm me. So I got home & was quite proud of myself! I did this trip with no panic! YAY ME!

I saw when I got home that my mother called while I was out. I changed into my bumming around the house clothes & was going to call her back when she called me instead. While I am glad to say she is still not deliberately being cruel to me, it was a rough talk. She explained what it’s like to have back problems (as usual, not acknowledging the fact I had back pain for 10 years resulting from her throwing me into a wall when I was 19). She also complained so much about my dad & the problems between them. *sighs*

After I hung up from that call, I made some chamomile tea & sat down with my computer to goof off for a bit. As I sat here, snuggling kitties & reading email, a few minutes later I heard a sound.. I knew it was my car- I thought maybe a branch fell off a tree & landed on the car. I got up to check & saw my dad. He had a doctor’s appointment not far from me & stopped by on his way home. While he was here, he spent his time complaining about my mother. *sighs again*

This is what is called Emotional Incest or Parentalizing. When a parent treats their child (of any age) as an equal by confiding in them about personal problems (especially romantic ones), expects that child to take care of their emotional well being & fix their problems, it is emotionally damaging to the child. Some problems resulting from being parentalized are:

An over-developed sense of responsibility (if someone is upset, you feel it’s your job to fix the problem & make them feel better).

Guilt.

Putting others first, even when you have genuine needs.

Low self-esteem.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Feeling “in the middle” with your parents.

I have experienced all of these things & more. On days like yesterday, I was physically shaky for a while. I also was achy all over, for no physical reason. This also made the Complex PTSD flare up- I normally cry easily but yesterday was worse, & I was so anxious. I also felt like I was a child again. The same fear & anxieties of my parents arguing when I was a child rose up in me.

Unfortunately I have not found a way to stop my parents from doing this entirely. The best things I have found to do are:

Set & enforce boundaries to protect myself.

Keep a distance- only talking to them when I am able to handle it emotionally.

Change the subject often. When they start complaining about each other, I bring up any other topic I can think of. Often, they go right back to their conversation, so I have to change the subject again. Eventually, they will go along with me.

If you too go through the pain of being your parent’s parent, please know I understand. You are not alone in this, even if you feel like you are. Hugs to you!!!

Also, please check out my website.. I have some information on there for adult children of abusive mothers the following link: http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Problem_Mothers.htm. And, on my free ebooks page, I have a free ebook available on the topic of Emotional Incest. Check it out..

Living with C-PTSD is such a challenge. I had no idea just how big of a challenge until 2012 when I suddenly developed all of the symptoms of it instead of just some. That is when I learned Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder exists. Since then, I have been learning more almost daily about this wretched disorder.

The night before last, I learned I can no longer read while the television is on. Hubby was watching tv, & I wasn’t interested in what was on, so I got out my tablet to continue reading “The Picture Of Dorian Gray.” (So far, it’s a wonderful book! I love how beautifully Victorian literature is written.) I couldn’t read much- the sound of the television while trying to read at the same time was an information overload for my brain. It didn’t take long to feel overwhelmed, so I put the book aside after only a couple of pages. I don’t even remember what I read. So frustrating!

I’m also learning to accept that even good stress can overload my mind. I’ve got some things happening that are good, but since they are also out of the ordinary, they give me a degree of stress. With my mind being so full of activity (hyper-vigilance mostly) already because of the C-PTSD, any stress, good or bad, can push me into overload. It is much like this- fill a glass 3/4 of the way with water. Anything you add to that glass will fill it up quickly. It does not matter if what you add to the glass is good or bad. All that matters is the glass fills up very quickly since it was already mostly full when you started adding things to it.

Unfortunately not everyone understands the symptoms of C-PTSD or is sympathetic. The lack of empathy & understanding only adds to the frustration of the disorder. If you live with C-PTSD, I’m sure this is nothing new to you- you have experienced it yourself firsthand. (I recently lost a friend because of her lack of compassion. I heard “this too shall pass.. I’ve had my problems too” one too many times from her.) It is important to remember that you do NOT need validation from others, only yourself. Even those who live with you don’t understand everything you are going through. I know I tend to hide most of it, even from my husband. I think because it is a habit I learned early in life- never bother anyone with my problems, & never show any negative emotions I’m feeling because I might upset others. This is a very common thing for children of narcissistic parents like me.

Maybe it’s time to start showing others what we are experiencing inside. Talk about it. Stop being ashamed- we have nothing to be ashamed of! Having C-PTSD doesn’t mean you are weak, crazy looking for pity, holding onto the past, or whatever other terrible things you’ve been told. Having C-PTSD means you have been abused & you survived trauma. Trauma & abuse most people cannot conceive. Your mind did what it had to do to protect you & help you survive, & the end result is C-PTSD.

I see C-PTSD as a sign of strength. It is a sign you survived! It is much like scar tissue on your skin- it shows a wound was there. But, I’m not sure if you know this or not, but scar tissue is much stronger than regular tissue. The same goes for the mind with C-PTSD. Your experiences have given you this “scar,” but as a result, your mind is so very strong now! Chances are, you can handle a great deal more than you could have if you wouldn’t have experienced what you did.

If you are having trouble explaining your symptoms to those close to you, I will include a list below that you may wish to show them. I hope it helps! May God bless you! 🙂

Having grown up with a narcissistic mother and been exposed to other narcissists, I have had to learn a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, and ways to deal with these people.
Recently, I’ve been on the receiving end of yet another narcissistic person’s anger. Thankfully, that person is now out of my life. Since this happened, it made me think that I should share some of the things I’ve learned about people with NPD & ways to deal with them.

The narcissist is always looking for someone too provide their “supply.” That supply may be someone to make them feel good about themselves, someone to listen to them prattle on endlessly, or someone to fix their problems. That is the motivation behind most of their actions- that supply.

Narcissists are self-entitled. They think whatever they want, they should have, no matter the cost to anyone or the pain it may cause them.The desire for their supply and entitlement attitude is why you feel so drained when dealing with a narcissist.
They are “emotional vampires.” They will use you in any way they see fit, as often as they see fit.

Deep down, narcissists are extremely insecure, which is why they come across so confident- they are trying to convince themselves & others they really are great people. They are deathly afraid of their mistakes or inadequacies being revealed, & will do anything to avoid this, no matter who they hurt in the process.

Narcissists are experts at reading and manipulating people. They will mirror your feelings and actions, and say they like the same things you do to get your favor.

Narcissists are abusers- never underestimate them.

They will earn your trust and find out your vulnerabilities. Then, they will use them against you whenever it suits them.

Narcissists have no empathy. If you are needing advice on your troubled marriage or are seeking comfort comfort, don’t seek them from a narcissist- they have no concept of how you are hurting, nor do they care. If it doesn’t affect the narcissist, it doesn’t matter to the narcissist.

Once you have had enough, and decide to put some distance between you and the narcissist or you decide to end your relationship with the narcissist, whether she/he is a friend, family member, or romantic interest, the narcissist’s true colors will show through. Glaringly! They do NOT handle rejection well, and you will be to blame for things not working out. Also, if a narcissist cannot have your love, she will want you to hate her. Love and hate are strong emotions which give a person a degree of control over you. If you feel nothing for or don’t react to a narcissist, she/he absolutely can’t stand that!

There are no really good ways to deal with a narcissist. Ending the relationship is often best, however sometimes you may feel God doesn’t want you to do that, at least not yet. That has been my case with my mother. So, I had to learn a few ways to cope the best I could….

Know your limits- know what you will and will not tolerate. Have firm boundaries that you are willing to enforce. Don’t back down, or the narcissist will run roughshod over them. Give a narcissist an inch, she’ll take a mile.

Refuse to provide the “supply.” Change the subject of the conversation. Interject something positive when she is discussing negative things.

Limit your exposure to the narcissist. Too much time spent with a narcissist never ends well for the “supplier.” You end up tired & irritable, often snapping at those closest to you.

I’m sorry for being missing in action the last few days. It has been a very difficult week for me for several reasons. I had a challenging lunch with my parents on Wednesday. As I mentioned in my last entry, my friend’s kitty was kidnapped, which just breaks my heart. I also ended a friendship of several years, because this “friend” yet again trivialized & invalidated my mental health issues. I like her, but just cannot tolerate her ignorance & lack of compassion any longer. Then Thursday, a storm moved through, taking down a huge part of a tree in my yard! Thanks to God, the part of the tree that fell, fell in the opposite direction from my home & car, only taking out our ugly old chain link fence! I saw the limb falling, & taking a part of another tree with it. Well, sort of- the rains were torrential & the wind was gusting, distorting my view. It was absolutely terrifying! If that limb had fallen on my home, it could have killed my family & I! All of this has made the Complex PTSD flare up. Hardly a big surprise, huh? lol

So now you know why I haven’t been around lately.. now, back to my blog..

My husband & I were talking night before last about the friendship I ended. I told him I believe that even though she mentioned once that she was abused as a child too, she never dealt with that. Maybe by me being open about my issues, on some level it reminds her that she has not done it. She instead has buried her pain, & never says anything but good things about her parents. Maybe that is why she has felt the need so many times to belittle me, tell me to “get over it,” or say “this too shall pass.” I’m not positive about this, I am only guessing. My husband said that sometimes people just don’t have time for the pain, or it’s too painful to face. I don’t understand this logic at all.

While healing is a painful process, & often a lifelong process, it is so much easier than continuing to live in dysfunction! Yes, I currently live with constant depression, anxiety, mood swings beyond my control, anger sometimes, nightmares, insomnia, repressed memories returning to the surface & flashbacks, I realize it could be worse! Before I began to face my issues resulting in being abused, things were much worse. I attracted so many dysfunctional & abusive people into my life. I had no self-esteem at all, so I allowed these people to use & abuse me. It was so bad, I even left a man I cared deeply for, & married a man I didn’t love because he said I should marry him. I also never spoke up to anyone who was verbally abusive to me, or had or enforced healthy boundaries to take care of myself. I was constantly angry, hurting, feeling guilty for not living up to whatever people said I should be, & was suicidal for most of the first 25 years of my life. I did not know myself at all, so I allowed others to mold me into what they wanted me to be. I was deeply ashamed of myself just for being me- for looking the way I do, for liking things I liked, etc. Worst of all, I feared constantly that I was insane, because I heard so often I was crazy & so many things were wrong with me. Usually I heard this after confronting an abuser on abusive behavior. I was told I was crazy for being angry that they told me I was fat, ugly, or stupid. I “needed psychological help” because I remembered things the way they really happened, rather than agreeing with a person practicing “gaslighting” to convince me their lies were true.

If you too are going through emotional healing, rest assured it is a good thing! I know it’s hard, but you are working on your healing! That is a wonderful thing! It is so hard, I know, but it is so much easier than continuing to live in the dysfunction. Make a list if you don’t believe me- make a list of how you were before you started healing compared to how you are now. You WILL be surprised!! God bless you & I love & am praying for you!

I just came across this symptom tracker this morning on a page for people living with PTSD/C-PTSD. It looks quite helpful. It keeps track of your mood, activities, sleep patterns & so much more. It can be printed out (handy for those of you seeing a counselor). I downloaded it- figured it could be interesting & hopefully helpful. I hope it helps you too!

I try to be positive or educational in my posts here, but today, I am angry for a couple of reasons. Be forewarned- this post may be longer than usual.

I saw this article the other day on facebook I wanted to read, but didn’t get back to it & unfortunately now I forgot where I saw it. It was about how much responsibility is put on victims of abuse rather than on the abusers. I only read about a paragraph- a short preview of it. It said that we’re told we have to stop calling ourselves victims & instead say “survivors.” We’re told we need to get over what happened to us & empower ourselves. Things like this. For a long time now, these phrases have irritated me & I never realized why. The preview answered that for me- it said these things put all the responsibility on the victim & none on the abuser. While yes, it is true it is up to a victim to heal & move on, when do the abusers get called out on their behavior? Not as often as they should be! How many people are told to be the bigger person with their verbally abusive mother in-law & just ignore her bad behavior while not saying anything to the nasty mother in-law or even making excuses for her? How many rapists aren’t even labeled a rapist because he “only” pressured his girlfriend into sex until she gave in rather than holding a gun to her head? How many people who have committed suicide were called cowards for “taking the easy way out” while those who pushed them to such a desperate point are not confronted? While I’m not saying as a victim of abuse of any type, we shouldn’t try to heal or blame all of our problems on being abused, I am saying there needs to be a balance! The abuser should be blamed for being abusive in the first place! That person had a choice- to abuse or not to abuse. They made a bad choice, & there is nothing anyone could have done to push them to that point. It is all on them. They deserve the blame for abusing you!

The other thing that has me angry today is the lack of compassion for those of us with mental illness. I am utterly fed up with this! I have heard so many times that I need to “get over it” or “stop living in the past.” Yes, I have Complex PTSD, which means I have flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety & agoraphobia. However- this does NOT mean I’m living in the past! This means I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life- enough to cause physical damage to my brain that resulted in C-PTSD, including all of its ugly symptoms.

And, as early as this morning, I was “teased” about being “stressed” about seeing someone that causes me tremendous anxiety. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. It’s as if she thinks I have no right to feel this anxiety or have the problems I have. She trivializes my problems & magnifies hers. Never mind she has not been abused, & has no clue what I have lived through, her problems are always worse & I should just get over mine. Meanwhile, I am having a terrible time trying to write this blog entry because all the anxiety I’ve experienced the last few days has left me unable to sleep well & not able to think very clearly.

My point of all this griping is we really need to have compassion on each other! Whether you have experienced abuse or not, when dealing with someone who has, please, for the love of God, be patient, supportive & understanding! Keep your opinions to yourself unless you are asked, & think before you speak. Choose your words wisely. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes & understand how she or he is feeling. I wrote some tips on how to help someone who has been abused on my website. Here is the link…

I finished the print version of my latest book today!!! I am waiting for the proof copy to arrive so I can approve it, then the book goes onto amazon & other online book sellers. You can find it at this url:

I still can’t believe the external hard drive crashed & I lost the site *sighs* but at least it’s online & fully functional again. Now to get back to the latest book, “You Are Not Alone!” There isn’t much left to do on the book.. more editing, then designing the covers & off to the publisher it goes before promotion. As soon as the publisher has the book, it will be available for purchase in ebook form as well as print on my website. I’ll announce it here, & it should be happening in the next few weeks, barring any further setbacks.

Today’s post is about PTSD & Complex PTSD. I think most people are pretty familiar with PTSD, but not necessarily Complex PTSD. To give you some insight into this awful problem, the criteria for diagnosis can be found at this link:

For other suffers of Complex PTSD or PTSD, what is your favorite way to self-care when recovering from stressful events?

Also, how do you stop beating yourself up (emotionally) for being less able to handle stress than you once were?

I’m asking because I have C-PTSD, & I have only recently learned that was my problem. I’ve always had to be “the strong one,” & the one not allowed to be upset for fear of upsetting others in my life. I am trying to embrace the fact that I am not as strong as I once was, while still trying to get healthier & break the dysfunctional old thinking habits. I’m also trying to rid myself of the “lazy” label I’ve heard all my life & accept the fact that self-care isn’t being lazy, it’s a matter of being mentally healthy.

So far, I have learned it’s time to remind myself that I am ok! I have had normal reactions to extremely abnormal & abusive situations I’ve experienced. But, I have to remind myself of this constantly. It just seems like there must be something else to do. And, as for self-care, I love knitting & spending time with my wonderful furkids, but I’m looking for other ideas just for variety.

I apologize for not offering advice today & instead seeking it. I’m just tired- yesterday was a very stressful day, so today I’m not feeling up to par. I’m just tired of feeling like this & while I know there is no easy fix, any different approach to it would be worth a try in my book! Besides, maybe your suggestions could help others with these horrible disorders.

I had an “ah ha” moment last night. Thought I’d share- maybe it’ll benefit some of you readers, too.

Lately, my hubby’s been in a foul mood. Lots of stress plus he’s really missing our dog. When he’s with me, I realize I’ve been feeling weird, like I have to just stay out of his way, & not bother him with any “trivial” aspect of my life. I’ve been wondering what that’s about, but didn’t think much on the topic. So last night he came home from his parents’ house in a good mood. First time that’s ever happened since we’ve been together (18+ years). I felt much more relaxed & my mood improved.

So while I couldn’t sleep last night & all was quiet, I was thinking about this & wondering what that was all about. I prayed about it & immediately, I got my answer…

Growing up, I felt I had to be “invisible.” Have no needs, emotions, not talk unless talked to, etc. Only time I was allowed to not be was when I was needed by my parents, like when they had a fight & wanted my advice. I had to be even more invisible when they were in bad moods, especially my mother. I had to just stay out of her way. Being invisible wasn’t too bad to me if they were in good moods, but bad moods? I couldn’t be invisible enough!

I’ve taken this behavior into adulthood, into my marriage, without even realizing it. So when my husband has been in a foul mood lately, I’ve automatically reverted into being extra invisible. When his mood improved last night, I could relax some.

I hope this all makes sense- I haven’t been sleeping well lately & am really tired! I also hope & pray this helps other children of narcissistic parents.

Have a wonderful day, Dear Readers, & do something nice for yourself today!!

My latest book, “Emerging from the Chrysalis” should be available on Barnes & Noble, iBookstore & amazon within 7-10 days in both ebook & print form. It is already available on my website,www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

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