Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Now, just when it seemed things couldn't get worse during a tumultuous off season in Ann Arbor, The Rock is packing up and heading to Michigan State.

"The family values have just gone in the shitter since Rich Rodriguez arrived," said The Rock when reached for comment by the MZone. "He's always yelling, using language like 'Paint the motherfucker!' And that Barwis guy wants people to paint me harder. I didn't sign up for that."

The Rock (no relation to the actor) said he just feels more comfortable next to the MSU "Sparty" statue where he will now be placed. "They do it right up there. They protect Sparty from getting painted before the U-M games. I was taken for granted in A2. Getting painted, two, three times a week."

"Plus, the Sparty statue is as close to a Michigan icon as you can find. They're very similar. Except for the fact that he's a big semi-naked bronze guy and I'm a stone that started out the size of a pebble before 165,872 coats of this goddamn paint over the years."

In response to a story in the MSU student newspaper, WE KAN SPELL AND SHIT, former Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr angrily denied reports that he helped The Rock get his release from Michigan or said there were "good campus icons" in East Lansing.

When reached by the MZone, other Michigan icons The Cube and The Belltower denied they too were thinking of transferring. Even still, Detroit Free Press columnist Drew Sharp claimed The Rock's departure is yet another sign of Michigan's declining status.

no great loss. while the Rock was pretty typical of most michigan players over the last few years, it didn't figure to fit into the new regime.

the Rock's time in the 40 was pretty subpar. it didn't do well in the agility and flexibility training. it didn't fit into its role in the new offense. it didn't like chocolate milk. also had a bad attitude.

R2 will have access to an entirely different level of rock now that he's at michigan. if you compare his level of rocks to don nehlen's rocks in the nfl during his first 7 years as coach, they're nearly identical.

"R2 will have access to an entirely different level of rock now that he's at michigan."

Bull Crap! That myth has been exposed. The talent drain from Ohio to Michigan is down to a drip or to stay true to the analogy: pea gravel size. Michigan's talent pool is now equivalent to say...Indiana?

I think you guys are kidding yourselves if you think RR is going to be able to recruit top rated rocks. At least Carr proved he could get you to the NFL even if you test poorly on the Wonderlic and spend all your time being stoned.

Drew Sharp once again missed the real story. The administration of Michigan State University will implement a program in which students will have to break rocks in the hot sun. The MSU President relates that he is just getting the students ready for life after graduation. Most estimates report 100% of MSU grads eventually end up in prison, so they might as well learn this valuable skill while in school. Breaking rocks seems to be THE skill most students could relate to. Since the students have destroyed most rocks in central Michigan, they had to look to their neighbor to the south in A2 for help in locating rocks for their program. Once again, the generosity of University of Michigan comes through.

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