Friday, October 02, 2009

So, as you all know, I've been working here a long time and my blog entries have been, for the most part, on the abstract-eye-bleeding-sore-causing-mind-hemorrhaging side. So let me take it down a notch for you guys and maybe blow your mind for real this time. I'm going to try and draw upon the parallels between two of my favourite things and the battles in my mind that ensue between them. Yeah, you guessed it. It's the match of a lifetime. It's

ESPRESSOVS.FALCONRY

FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!

So both of these things take a long time to learn. When I started at mercury, it took me at least three months before Matt let me go behind bar, but guess what coffee world, you know how long it takes before you can get "behind the bar" in the falconry world? According to Ontario Field Ornithologists it takes TWO YEARS. So matt, who is stronger? You or a falcon?

SCREE!!

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Round two: Extraction time.To prove I'm not completely biased towards falconry I'm setting up this category which should be an easy win for espresso. Generally, most people who order espresso drinks are impatient and demand a short wait. Luckily, your favourite little brown liquid comes out in 25-30 seconds, (unless you're an Italian guy and your drink comes out even faster). Unfortunately, the gestation period for a falcon is 30 days, or approximately 2592000 seconds. In 2592000 seconds you could make 86400 shots of espresso. So there you go espresso, you win one by the numbers.

flarp.

Lighting round:How much caffeine does it take to kill you? Approximately 7500mg.How many falcons does it take to kill you? Approximately 1.1 point falconry.A common practice for elevating a cup to bring it closer to the porta-filter during extraction is putting a ramekin under it.A common practice before elevating your bird of prey to the skies and ordering it to kill a small mammal is putting a LEATHER GAUNTLET UNDER IT.1 point falconry.Espresso has cool nicknames like 'spro, the brown swallow, shart etc...Falcons have cool nicknames like raptors, life devastators and flying death machines1 point falconry.You can drink espressoYou can't drink a falcon1 point espressoYou can share an espresso based beverage with a friend.If you share your falcon, your falconry license will be revoked, and your falcon will rain hate-death down upon you.1 point espressoEspresso being a colonial commodity was probably a part of the instigation of many wars.No one fights wars for falcons except for nature conservationists, and those guys are generally lame hippies.1 point espresso

And thus concludes the lightning round. So wait a minute, what? The outcome denotes a TIE!? What?! I was writing this as a kind of aptitude test to see what I would do with my future.The solution between this tense conflict is evident. We need to cross the bridge between these age old institutions. I suggest we combine espresso and falconry to create the penultimate, delicious, deathmachine industry. We can have these shops all over the country, people will live in fear of the gazing hawk and it this fear will invariably make them enjoy their espressos as if it were there last. And the falcons, if they drank the espresso, I'm sure they'd become even more vicious and effective at killing. We can call it Falconresso or maybe Espralconry! What do you guys think?