Meet the New Wave of Ridiculous Health Drinks

Every year, a new drink is marketed to trophy moms swaddled in Lululemon, juiced-up bros, and/or health-fashion bloggers. The fuel du jour usually comes packaged with faux-scientific phrases and numerous false promises. Not long after its release, swarms of Soul-Cycle addicts flock to purchase the $10 bottle of liquid from the shelves of health stores, Whole Foods, and the like.

Lately, these yuppie-targeting beverage manufacturers have decided to diversify their audience, giving everyone the chance to buy into some type of overpriced drink. Taking into account all the health bevvies we’ve come across in the last few months alone, it looks like 2015 is shaping up to be the year of bullsh*t liquids. Let’s take a look.

Fat Water

What it is: David Asprey, beverage visionary and founder of Bulletproof coffee, launched his second venture this month: he’s charging customers $5 to drink water mixed with fat, sweetener, and flavoring. Using a patented process, Asprey adds “Bulletproof XCT oil” (which contains fat derived from coconut oil) to water. Asprey claims that “Fat Water,” as he calls it, is more hydrating than plain H20, giving you a burst of energy while actually burning fat in your body. As is the case with most yuppie drinks, the bottle gives a disclaimer that none of the company’s claims have actually been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. However, this hasn’t stopped Fat Water’s success; a quick visit to the company’s website shows that the $30 packets of concentrate have sold out in every flavor. (Photo: Instagram/Fat Water)

Protein Beer

What it is: Two bros came together earlier this year to create Mighty Squirrel, the first high-protein craft beer. The drink, which comes in Mighty Squirrel Original and Squirrel Light, packs five grams of protein, compared to a Sam Adams Lager’s two grams. The drink debuted recently in Boston, causing frat boys across the city to foam at the mouth. (Photo: Instagram/mightsqrl)

Asparagus Water

What it is: “Somewhere in L.A., Whole Foods executives are laughing at all of us.” Preach. One disgruntled Whole Foods customer recently found a $6 bottle of water with stalks of asparagus and posted it to her Instagram. Yes, the supermarket chain that was recently accused of ripping off customers decided to put nothing more than asparagus in water and sell it for the price of a sandwich. In an unlikely turn of events, Whole Paycheck customers did not rush to buy the “asparagus water” after it went viral. When questioned, Whole Foods confessed that it wasn’t all too sure what the deal with the asparagus water was either. (Photo: Instagram/@marielle.m.n.o.p)

Soylent 2.0

What it is: The makers of Soylent, a powdered drink that caught on with Silicon Valley techies, has created a new its of their meal-replacement beverage. Creatively titled Soylent 2.0, the drink promises that it will quell your hunger and free you from crowded lunch lines. Targeted towards busy coders and analysts, the 400-calorie drink lets you bypass meals while absorbing 20% of your recommended nutrients and calories. If you’re trying to get your hands on some, you might want to wait; recently, an environmental health companyfiled a lawsuit against Soylent claiming that it contains toxic metals. (Photo: Instagram/ Soylent)

Bone broth

Price: $9

Hit the market in: November 2014

What it is: Late last year, chef Marco Canora of NYC restaurant Hearth created a bone-broth takeout window called Brodo. Canora simmers bones in water and sells the liquid for $9. Many balked, claiming that it’s no different from the broth or stock you can buy at any supermarket or make from animal carcasses at home—although “Brodo” does have a nice ring to it, and the chef’s drinkable soups are a whole lot tastier than store-bought stuff. Before you become too skeptical, know that Kobe Bryant andManny Pacquiao both count themselves as devout bone-broth believers. (Photo: Flickr/ The Meat Case)

Artichoke Water

What it is: After Rihanna made coconut water the health drink of 2014, a Southern California company called Arty Water is trying to claim 2015. Arty Water, “the world’s first premium beverage made from fresh California artichokes,” is only 30 calories a bottle and lists benefits like “liver detoxification, lowered cholesterol, weight management, improved skin texture, and immune system protection.” The Arty Water website includes every single health buzzword known to man, including vegan, gluten-free, plant-based, and cholesterol-free. (No shit, it’s water.) (Photo: Instagram/artywater)

Collagen Beer

Price: $2.50

Hit the market in: April 2015

What it is: We often drink beer to make us feel beautiful and confident, but that’s just a side effect of feeling kind of drunk. “Precious” collagen-filled beer is a whole different story: the Japanese brew contains two grams of collagen in each can, which allegedly helps your complexion. The company is using the tagline, “Guys can tell if a girl’s taking collagen or not!” to market the product to women. Unfortunately, scientists don’t think two grams of collagen will do anything, and if your man cares that much, you should probably drop him and go find a mate who’ll drink collagen-free IPAs with you instead. (Photo: Suntory)

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