Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Pro-Life is Complicated, and How You Can Help

Last month we had the unfortunate anniversary of Roe v Wade. Many cities, including my own Los Angeles, hosted Walks for Life, but our family wasn't there. We weren't there because we were at a funeral, for a baby named Emily Rose Marie.

We are fortunate enough to live in a vibrant Catholic community, and the church was packed with families. And I couldn't help thinking how very pro-life that funeral was.

Because everyone there knew that Baby Emily wasn't going to live long. There was a great deal of doubt that she would survive her birth. But she did. And she lived for six weeks past it. The whole of her life, people who loved her provided meals and support to her family. Her tiny life touched others and brought them together in love.

In the circles in which I run, we often think that being pro-life means having lots of babies.

Some folks on the other side, of course, think that being pro-life means putting a bunch of uncaring rules on people.

We know THAT'S not true, but what I think we sometimes forget is that being pro-life means so much more than not having abortions. For some, it means having more kids or fewer kids than you thought you would, or none at all. For a few, like our friends, it means cherishing a life for the short time you get to have it. For many, it means accepting a child who isn't exactly who or when or what you had hoped or planned for, and finding the beauty in that.

If you've been following my blog for a while now, you might remember the story of my sister- and brother-in law.

They spent many years trying everything they could try in good conscience . . . and weren't able to have a baby.

Two years ago, my sister-in-law visited the Trappist Monks of Our Lady of the Holy Cross Abbey in Berryville, VA. She and my brother-in-law decided to sponsor a giveaway on my blog, to send someone on a retreat with the monks to pray for their intentions. And four months later, they became the parents of a handsome little guy they named Luke, adopted in June of 2014.

Prayers answered, right?! Yay!

But God wasn't quite done with them yet. Because when our family went out to Washington D.C. last spring to meet baby Luke, she and I were BOTH sporting baby bumps. This despite being told by fertility experts that it was very unlikely that they would ever conceive.

So, our cousin Brendan was born in August, just a couple of weeks after Mary Jane was born, and ten months after his brother Luke.

Two babies in a year. The whole family was thrilled, especially after having wondered for so long if they'd have any children at all. Good to go, right?

Nope, not quite yet.

Just a couple of months later, they got a call from their social worker that Luke's birth mother was expecting again, and was hoping that my brother- and sister-in-law would adopt this baby too.

Another boy, due in May of 2016. Eleven months younger than Brendan.

And after hoping and praying for so many years, how could they say anything but, "yes."

Since the adoption is through an agency again, they are incurring all of the same expenses as their first adoption.

I told them that after all the readers of this blog have been through with them, I thought we could help. I asked them to set up a crowdfunding site, and they did.

You can find it here. That day at the funeral really convinced me that we are all made better when we live out our pro-life convictions together.Update: I'm so excited by your donations, you guys. Seriously. I'm seeing all these names I know from comments and Facebook and I'm tearing up and I'm not even pregnant. (I think. I really shouldn't ever say that.) So, here's a free printable for you all, whether you donate or not, just because you guys are the best. :)

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Thanks for this beautiful post, Kendra. As you said, people sometimes think being pro-life and using NFP is about having lots of babies. I used to think this way too until I had three miscarriages and no babies after four years of marriage. God blessed us with a beautiful baby who's now turning 18 months old - but he also blessed us with the opportunity to really understand what it means to be open to life. Have you read Colleen Carroll Campbell's "My Sisters the Saints"? Her book's related to this topic.

So happy to see this post. Many women silently suffer. I love the beautiful turn of events for this family and their willingness to share their story. And thank you to Kendra for allowing all of us a glimpse into not only her life but into lives that look a little different from hers and perhaps our own. I think it's easy to forget the struggles of others. It also takes courage, and humility, to ask for help.

Perhaps it would have been selfish for Kendra not to share this beautiful story? It seems that there are many, many people who will be blessed and touched and encouraged on their own journey through it.

Yes; so true! I think that people can, at times, cling to "pro-life is only about having babies and ending abortion" theme, because it's comfortable. It's simple to wave around pictures of babies at Life Chain or pray Rosaries for an end to abortion. And while it's very sacrificial (especially when it's cold), it's also fairly predictable to attend a March for Life (when there's not a blizzard). But recognizing that pro-life means finding peace amid infertility, working with adoption agencies, or supporting a family who just lost a child? That's a lot more uncomfortable & unpredictable. Yet, it is so, so important! Thank you, Kendra, for this post! I will definitely be keeping Emily's family in my prayers, as well as your relatives.

What a beautiful family! Thank you for sharing their story & will add them to prayers. Also, all of this post is great but this especially resonates for me: " ... what I think we sometimes forget is that being pro-life ... [for some] means having more kids or fewer kids than you thought you would, or none at all." Strangers/acquaintances often assume that how many children you have or don't have is your "choice," but we have so much less control over this than some seem to think. These assumptions are illogical and misguided when we don't know the reasons for a particular family's size; but they are unsurprising in a culture that often supports on-demand services for either trying to have children at all costs (in cases of infertility), or treating them as disposable when circumstances aren't "ideal."

Left out of thins conversation is the birth mother, who is planning to give up second baby for adoption. She needs our prayers for the strength to do what would seem impossible to most if us...give up her child. I do not know her circumstances but I hope that she is able to get some help....counseling, support and (I am just going to say this as I am not Catholic and have no objection), perhaps access to birth control if she is unable for some reason to care for the children she keeps creating. I hope that she is able to find peace of mind that her baby will be going to a loving and stable home. My best wishes to the adoptive parents as well....they are being given an incredible gift .

I am so happy for your sister-in-law and her family! What a huge blessing!

As you know, we had a similar story - 8 years of infertility, adopted our oldest as a newborn, 4 years later adopted our son as a newborn and then immediately found out I was pregnant. So our younger two are 9 months apart. Such chaos, but such joy. My heart beats a little fast for them thinking about adding a 3rd into the mix - both with trepidation and excitement. Because you're exactly right - pro-life takes many forms, and it means jumping into the situation God gives you with both feet. And sometimes that's embracing infertility, and sometimes it's embracing "Irish Triplets".

God is beautiful. We haven't said anything to our family yet but...after my cancer treatment we are hoping to once again be totally open and welcome a 5th (hopefully 4th living) child into our family. I'm praying and praying that radiation therapy won't hinder this (and since it's jaw-mouth aimed, I don't think this will be an issue. Also, because God.) This reinstated my hope and belief in once again being open to God's plan!! :)

Many prayers for Emily Rose Marie and her family that muat miss her so much! Also prayers for the upcoming adoption! My husband and I were just discussing about how people can be prolife apart from being anti-abortion and anti-contraceptions. A close family member lost their baby at 20 weeks last August. The parents were obvisiously hurt and heartbroken but they tried to pretend it never even happened. They wouldn't let us acknowledge their baby in anyway and we were asked not to bring it up again. This is so sad, the baby did exist, I pray for him or her often and for my brother in law and his girlfriend. I believe consoling and helping families through miscarriage is very prolife and very needed.

This is so very wonderful. It is my pleasure to support financially and through prayers. I wish mainstream media would pick up this post and report on the fact that proliferate so much more than just anti abortion. Thanks for writing! Amy @ The Salt Stories

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