regret

I don’t think I can narrow it down to one day. There are several…bare with me as I finger through the pages of my mistakes.

~ I wish I could’ve stayed in school…

~ I wish I’d waited to lose my virginity…

~ I vacillate between whether or not I should’ve left home at 21 with my ex. I learned so much and have become who I am in part to that experience…but, I wonder if I should’ve stayed home.

~ I shouldn’t have deleted my ex-friend. I probably should’ve backed away and not given in to my hurt and anger.

~ Probably should’ve left that last relationship SOONER. Won’t say I wish he never came into my life, but I could’ve exited a little earlier into the fuckery…

I don’t regret much…and honestly I can’t say I regret ALL of the above actions. I believe I wonder more so, what could’ve happened “had I done things differently”. I am certain that each event led to a lesson learned that has benefited me spiritually.

I think it’s the politically correct (and egotistical) response to say, “I regret nothing”. There’s at least ONE thing we wished didn’t happen to us and would have loved to have missed us when struggle and hardship was being passed out. There’s a difference between feeling blessed PAST the struggle and feeling impervious to human frailty…such as regret and bittersweet nostalgia.

Hey, it’s my opinion. If you think you can live this life without a tinge of regret tickling your memory…so be it. Glad for ya.

I wish I hadn’t lost my virginity at 13. Okay okay okay…hole up…lol *trying to explain like Jada in Low Down Dirty Shame when Keenan woke up in the Crying Game*

I wasn’t a “fast-tailed fanny” as my grandmother used to call my cousin when we were younger…I really wasn’t. I was just in puppy love w/my first. That dude…man. He was etched all up in me since I was a little girl. We grew up next door to one another and eventually all that heavy-petting he did with me ended in me losing my virgin drawlz on the dark red carpet of his mother’s bedroom floor. We were watching TV and I fell asleep…well, I awoke to a hand on my ass. LMAO Then it went up my back and around to my breasts. ::snap front bra pops open…oops:: Next thing I know…I’m tensing up as he puts “that thing” in…and my flower is deflowered and petals are everywhere.

Anywho…we did “it” two more times that summer…and then NADA for NOBODY for 5 years. When I turned 18…I returned to “him” and gave him some more…and some more…lol. If I had my choice, I’d rewind and wait until then. Either way…I don’t regret that it was “HIM”…just that it was so early.

This is going to be a short blog. Who needed to be let go has been let go. I don’t ever wish I didn’t know anyone. Everyone I’ve met has played a part…however large or infinitesimal their part was. These bits and pieces of personalities I’ve met, have shaped me into who I am.

I regret no one.

As of this moment…no one in my life is going anywhere. One day at a time.