About Me

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Wanderer

I got a notice this week that it's time to decide whether I want to sign another 12 month lease on my apartment. I was sort of surprised to discover that I had my typical panicked feeling when faced with a long term commitment to a place. I love my little apartment, I have a great job, and Colorado and I have fallen in love. So why the raised blood pressure over one measly year?

I came home from New York last weekend in a funny mood. I've been to that city more times than I can count in the last eight years and I always leave thinking, "great city, definitely couldn't live here." For the first time I found myself wondering if that could be my next move. Which is hilarious because it's crowded and expensive and far from my family-all the issues I was trying to solve when I left Boston. But when I landed in the Springs on Sunday afternoon I had this stabbing fearful thought-"what if this is my last stop?? Am I staying in Colorado Springs forever?"

I have no idea where I picked up this fear but at several points of my life I have been terrified that wherever I am is going to be the end of the line. That post-college I would never make good friends again, that post-mission I would never leave Utah, that post-Salt Lake Olympics I would never be excited to go to work on a Monday ever again, that Huntington was the prettiest place I would ever live...you get the picture. And I suppose fear is a pretty good motivator because I've spent the last 12 years trying my hardest to make sure none of those worries came true. My worries and me-the most consistent relationship of my life.

So this time, instead of having a freak out about DYING IN COLORADO SPRINGS, I'm trying to use this lease signing as a time to think seriously about what I would like out of the next year of commitment to this stage of my life.

I don't have any answers yet, I've only been thinking about this for a few days. But I do know that the last year has been a pretty clear sign that the only real roadblocks to the life I want are the ones I put up myself. This has been one of the most intense years of my relatively intense life but I'm pretty satisfied with the view from this mountain I'm scrambling up.

So yesterday I decided to do something that I couldn't do if I lived in New York-drive ten minutes and get on a hopelessy beautiful trail. I talked Heather and Tom into coming with me and we finally found the snow that has been non-existent down here in the valley.

We made up a song with an O in it. It was about Heather. She didn't like it.We can't believe we get to live here!This was just after Heather recited a poem about beauty and Tom made fun of us for being tired.After the false summit.Tom looks so rugged.OvercomeSnow!!