These guys left messages on my answering machine looking for a good time. I should probably start putting my number in the women's stalls instead. What was I thinking?

Man, it looks like Lovely Vader there is about to give birth through his urethra. Scary. I actually found that on EvilBay of all places while searching for something completely innocent like "Star Wars Vader". What a relief that we no longer have to go through the embarrassing process of typing in "porn gay" at the end of all our fetish searches. Thank the Google!

That's funny. I was trying to picture how I would feel if I were Christian Bale, a figure had been made of me, and I was looking at that pic, but stopped short when I realized that I was contemplating how I would feel if I were Christian Bale.

You can now more authentically enact the lifesaving antics of Dr. Ultraman's Discount Amputation Clinic. Which I think takes the "gross-stumpage on an action figure" prize this year. Wow.

"Wrecked him? I damn near tore his tail off and choked him to death with it. Haw, haw, haw! What? No, that's not hyperbole. I actually performed the amputation with my bare hands and then murdered him with offending appendage. What? Why? Because fuck him, that's why. No. You know what? This interview is over. I"m outta here. I don't have to take this shit."

The "Contra Code" EVA-02 idea was weaksauce, but in the context of the film I guess it was supposed to fill the same role that the Berserk EVA-01 did in the anime. It wasn't my favorite alteration to the story because I really liked that sequence of events in the original. Watching EVA-01 flip shit and gobble up the angel was pretty awesome. Anyway.

The Revoltech Beast is a pretty handsome toy. The paint, effects, and kinetic sculpt make it look really unsettling in a satisfying way. Even posed standing at attention it looks like a slathering monster.

The Bandai Beast, on the other hand, looks much closer to the source material - more goofy than insane. So... Yeah. There's that.

The way Bandai is rolling out the Evangelion Damashii figures makes it seem like they're primarily interested in giving the finger to Kaiyodo instead of aggressively pushing the property on their own. Kaiyodo releases one EVA, Bandai comes along and "remakes" it. Repeat. Dicks.

So, why is no one more grossed out by Gomola's tail? That shit is nasty.

TEH INTERNETS is having a porno sale. I ordered a Get Her Wet and Blow.

Seriously, no one gives a shit about what you ordered until after it has arrived and you start bitching about it. And even then you need to be careful to mention all of its faults in excruciating detail and never, not even once, discuss a single redeeming quality. Because no matter how much temporary joy a toy brings into your life it can never truly represent anything other than unassuagable and everlasting regret over how capitalism has robbed you over your childhood sense of wonderment and the truly burning desire to create.

Unless, of course, that toy has:

A) Breasts
B) A Smoldering Spliff-Ass
C) Lots of Sexy Man-Sex Sexiness
D) Some Previously Unseen Fantastical Combination of Two or More of the Above

Which, in case you didn't notice, Getter Hobo Go does not. Next time just mention the sale and don't tell us what you bought, okay?

Not particularly funny, but around four minutes into this you can see Billy's action figure in an internet comedy video. Why did it take this long?

I won't say anything about the Human Segway clip which precedes it, but you might not want to watch the video at work if you don't want your coworkers to speculate about the quality of your decision making skills.