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Dr. Paige, Psychologist

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Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist

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Dr. Paige. Hello. I have met up with a man for 3 or 4 dates

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Dr. Paige. Hello. I have met up with a man for 3 or 4 dates that I met on a dating site. Things seemed to be going well the first few times although the dates were far between. He said that he would be in touch to let me know when he could see me after we had met twice but inbetween he would come off the site as we had agreed. However, when I got home, I came off and asked him to and then I asked him to let me know when he'd like to meet. I didn't hear anything so I went onto the site and he hadn't left. I then found that I could see on the site that a lot of women liked him and other men from the same place, simalar and the same age. When I asked him about this, he said that it was a regenerated programmed thing but I can tell otherwise because it says the same on my profile but it's people I'd talked to before. Plus I told him the truth. Then once I knew that we were going out, I stopped contact with them. He also told me that he loved me and wanted to commit but there has been no sign of it and it seems like just talk. I met him again in February but I found him to be very controlling, abusive, threatening and didn't like me asking anything. He's never taken me for a meal or even a drink and doesn't seem that interested in things that I enjoy. He works us seeing each other around his job or puts me off until a lot later than promised. I told him that it was over after last time we met because of signs of abuse but I kept it open saying that if he wanted to go out then he'd have to contact me. Again, I heard nothing. I contacted him on the site and we started texting but he rang late at night and was dirty to me, disrespectful so I put the phone down and then he got angry saying that I'd only got one more chance. Then covered things up saying that he doesn't get angry. He arranged to meet me but he stopped texting and never came. I heard from him today and last night but he's been much the same, dirty, disrespectful and I asked him a question, he became angry saying that if I didn't trust him then I should leave him. He then stopped texting again and he's been trying to wean me around to making love today but his focus doesn't seem to be on the relationship and seems uninterested. I honestly think that he's cheating for sex or has another woman that he loves. There so much evidence of what he's said and him being online late that I think he may be getting email from the site, new women view him, messaging them or added them from the bingo and then meeting them for a drink or maybe women in the pub where he lives. I wonder whether to meet him again or move on because he wears me down and is selfish. What would be the best thing? Thank you. Louise, 29.

This man sounds like bad news in my opinion. You need to listen to your instincts and go by how you feel. If he wears you down and is selfish, talks down to you, makes you feel bad, then that is your answer right there. It does sound a bit like he is cheating with you or that he has other intentions. When he said about wanting to be committed, it seems as though he was making an excuse. I think you need to move on. You don't need to be with someone who makes you feel bad.

Dr. Paige. Thank you for the information. It does seem odd and adds up to that. Last week, after we'd decided on meeting, he went quiet when I wouldn't talk dirty and didn't come to see me and then this morning, he said about meeting tomorrow but then said he'd meet when I'm ready and was talking about getting me pregnant. He said that he wanted to stay together and then went quiet again, I haven't heard anything since. I feel that he's keeping me meeting him later so that he can see another woman tomorrow instead and probably did that last week when he said that he'd lost his mobile phone. Either that or he's got some online that he's replied to after we met and is keeping me meeting later to talk to them and he makes excuses saying that he's working or taking his son away. He may have somebody on holiday and I feel that he lies about the dating site, replying to these women that he says he doesn't. With him being abusive, I may be better to stay clear of him. Louise, 29.

I think you should stay clear of him. A man who talks about getting someone pregnant and can't even be dedicated enough to see you on a regular basis at a reasonable time, has problems. He seems like the type of man who likes to "collect" women for his own needs in order to feel good about himself. The odds of him becoming a loyal and dedicated person is not very good I'm afraid. At least at this point in his life.

Dr. Paige. Thank you for the advice. Yes, I think that you're right. The dates have been few and far between, the excuse being that he works long hours. He talked of committing and says that were going out but his actions showed otherwise and it was always me contacting, him not replying if I didn't do what he wanted or he couldn't control me. He was weaking too and I didn't feel secure with him. I've dumped him quite a few times, one being this morning then he opens things up, wants to stay together but straight after just went again and no replies to my texts. I think enough is enough now and I shouldn't give him any more chances, he takes advantage. Louise, 29.

Dr. Paige. So if he texts again, then would it be best to not reply? I think that I should keep all contact cut from now on and not message him online either because he'd keep messing me about. Louise, 29.

You should do what you feel best doing. If you are able to avoid him where you live, then you can ignore him. I would suggest telling him that you are breaking it off with him, just so both of you can have some closure.

Dr. Paige. He has text now but I can tell that he's avoiding my questions, changing the subject and doesn't seem completely honest. Yes. I'm starting to think that I might be best doing that too and being strong because otherwise he weakens me and I give in again. He seems to only want to be together, text when it suits him too and everything is on his terms. He's still being dirty and rude too. I wish that I'd left it at that because I keep dumping him. Thank you. Louise, 29.

Dr. Paige. Hello. I met up with the man from the site on Monday to see if things were any better. At first, things seemed to be going ok. I then noticed that old ways were creeping in and he was interested in talking about my past. When we got to the house, he got abusive again after a while and he seemed to be laughing, enjoying upsetting me and past talk. I told him that I didn't want us to talk about our past. I also said that I wanted us to concentrate and what we liked doing together, not what we've done with exs and he didn't seem keen. He was again controlling, not letting me say what I wanted, getting angry, threatening and said that he didn't want me to ask questions as he'd already told me the answers no. He later told me to shut up. It was the final straw and I said I would like him to take me home but he didn't want to. He told me to forget it but I thought he meant us, I was upset and he said that he meant forget asking questions and that I mix up everything that he says. He told me that he goes to a night with male friends, a singles night of divorcees and talk about problems with ex wives and money issues etc. He also wouldn't tell his son about us yet although we'd been meeting for about 2 to 3 years over time with the dates but he knew about the ex wifes boyfriend. I could then tell he wasn't serious about us. On the way home in the car, I was going to be quiet because he'd been angry and threatening on previous dates when I asked him things. Unfortunately, I asked him about the going out with friends to the pub and he said it wasn't a singles thing and that me and him were going out, weaning it around to his own way because I'd stood up to him and said that if he's with me, he shouldn't be going out pretending to be single. He was dismissive of me on the way home, sounding like work was more important to him and wanted to work me around his life. When I asked why he'd taken so long to contact me to meet he said that he'd been working yet I hadn't heard anything to meet a week after we'd met as promised and I saw him online alot. He didn't seem bothered. He said that he'd let me know that he couldn't meet and then said his mobile phone had broken, he couldn't come because his son rang after work so he saw him instead of coming to me. He started mixing up details, then I began thinking that he must have somebody else. I went to kiss him before getting out of the car because he said he couldn't move for the seat belt so he didn't even kiss me in the end. I dumped him the next morning and he hasn't replied to anything since. I'm sick of his behaviour with me. Should I keep contact cut now and don't meet him again or see if he changes and meet again? He seems a very angry, abusive and controlling man. Louise, 29.

Hello again. There is no way I would encourage you to see him again. He will not change. You have seen this pattern of behavior. He is an angry, abusive and controlling man. You need to not see him again unless you want him to continue to treat you this way.

Hello. Thank you for this advice. Yes, I agree with you. I've found even more evidence today of lies/dishonesty because when we were due to meet a week before we did, he was saying that he only chatted to me on the phone and by text message and that he looked at E-mails online but that was all. He also said that the computer automatically logged him onto the dating site and he wasn't actually using it. I now see evidence that he was on the night when he said this to me because there is a message on that night and time saying would I like to chat so I reckon that he talks dirty to other women on the dating site. Also, the next night when he stopped texting me, there are again messages from him on the dating site. He told me that he'd lost him phone. It seems obvious that he's cheating or hiding things. Plus, he said that I sent him 800 text messages, I hadn't and he says that he works from 8am until 11pm at night. It sounds like he's either making excuses not to see me or isn't interested or that he has another woman. I feel that I should stay clear from this man and that he's weaning me around as an abuse cycle to just keep me in the game, to weaken me to get his own way. I don't believe that he is as genuine or as honest as I thought. Louise, 29.

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