People seem to think I have some kind of personal vendetta against Vince Young. Some might even say I have a bizarre obsession with making sure he fails as both a player and as a human being. But that’s not true. I’m an analyst. I’m paid to be critical. If that leaves me open to second-guessing, so be it. I can’t worry about that. All I can tell you is that, in my objective analysis, Vince Young is a closeted gay coward who still sucks on his mother’s floppy old titties for nourishment.

Again, I have nothing personal against Vince Young. I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice fellow. I’m also quite sure that, anytime something doesn’t go his way, he runs home to his mother, straps on a custom size 10 Huggies Overnight, drops a watery stool in his pants, and then nestles in his mother’s ample bosom like the little fucking bitch he is.

I also heard he’s a bedwetter. I spoke with Jeff Fisher before Young was drafted and he was adamant that the team NOT draft Young, because they learned in interviews that Young not only pissed his bed, but that he would pee in his bed even BEFORE he went to sleep, because it helped “protect him from all the ghosts”. That’s why he has that rubber fitted sheet clause in his contract. It’s also why no Titans want to room with him on the road. I heard his teammates hate him. I heard they wanted to gang rape him in training camp to “put him in his place.”

You know what else Vince Young did once? He beat a kid to death with a rock. No joke. The kid made fun of the way Vince threw the ball, so Vince went and grabbed this rock that was lying around. Then he just bashed the kid’s head in with it, until pieces of his brain were falling out and stuff, and then he left him in a ditch. I said this when he was drafted. I knew it. Why didn’t anyone else heed my warnings? That I don’t know. Again, I have no problem with Vince Young. Except that he fucks dogs.

Did I mention he’s a terrorist? Well, he is. I don’t think he’s happy just to destroy the Titans organization. No, I think he wants to wreak havoc on a global scale. Think about it. Infantile mind. Coddled by his nutjob of a mommy. Blames others for his shortcomings. Tall. Who does that remind you of?

Fucking Osama bin Laden. This kid is not ready to play in the National Football League, but I do believe he is ready to plot with several other terrorist masterminds to bring down planes or release biological weapons into a mall and/or subway tunnel. Don’t think he isn’t capable of it. Like I said, I mean no harm. I just think he’s a cock-guzzling momma’s boy who murders children and wants to end the world as we know it. NO ONE KNOWS HOW VINCE YOUNG’S MIND WORKS EXCEPT FOR ME! I KNOW WHAT HE’S CAPABLE OF! I’VE BEEN WATCHING HIM FROM OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE EVERY DAY FOR OVER FIVE YEARS! I’VE ROOTED THROUGH HIS TRASH! I’VE MASTURBATED TO HIM WHILE IN THE STUDIO! I’VE CUT THE BRAKES ON HIS CAR A FEW TIMES!

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME! I TOLD YOU HIS FOOTWORK WAS SLOPPY! NOW I’M TELLING YOU HE WANTS TO BURN OUR OIL FIELDS AND SELL US TO CHINA! DON’T THINK VINCE YOUNG CAN’T DO IT! SPEAKING OBJECTIVELY, VINCE YOUNG IS A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING AND A POX ON OUR ENTIRE SPECIES! IT WOULD BE BETTER IF WE KILLED HIM NOW TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER HARM! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!

NO! NOT THE PADDY WAGON AGAIN! MY MIND IS JUST FINE! IT’S VINCE YOUNG THAT’S SICK IN THE FUCKING HEAD, I TELL YOU!

@Cumpidgeon: You’ll have to wait behind Santonio and Haley for that blow job.

09.30.08 at 5:55 pm

bfreakin3

I second yinzer

09.30.08 at 6:16 pm

charlie

I cut the brakes! Wild Card, Bitches!!

09.30.08 at 6:30 pm

J.L. White

Finally, a version of Les Miserables I can relate to!

/don’t trust football analysis from a brain that’s been concussed 976 times

09.30.08 at 6:51 pm

Shane_Falco

I dont know what Vince Youngs problem is. I mean, Kerry Collins has an easier time masturbating the ball down the feel.

09.30.08 at 6:52 pm

Otto Man

Way to fill your role, Charlie.

09.30.08 at 9:25 pm

GPF

Merrill Hoge hit Young right where it hurts…….HIS DICK!

09.30.08 at 10:23 pm

Kimbo Gash

Mort is reporting that Merrill Hoge and Joe Buck have resigned from their networks to run a doggy daycare together in Providence, RI.

09.30.08 at 10:25 pm

Kitsune

What? Merrill can go more than two sentences without saying “Factor Back”? I don’t believe it.

09.30.08 at 11:18 pm

85

Holy fuck that was funny. Nice work Drew.

09.30.08 at 11:30 pm

416

Why is there a pic of Neil Patrick Harris under the title?

10.01.08 at 1:11 am

Kool Aid

“again, i have no problem with vince young. except that he fucks dogs”- line of the year so far from KSK

10.01.08 at 7:50 am

Leid

One of your best posts yet, Drew. I sent this around to my friends who don’t read the site.

They will.

10.01.08 at 8:15 am

Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

If this were four years ago, he’d have been accusing the Eagles of being al-Qaeda’s American home base.

/bitterness over the 8-8 prediction in our Super Bowl year

10.01.08 at 8:45 am

Boatdrinks

You know what else Vince Young did once? He beat a kid to death with a rock. No joke. The kid made fun of the way Vince threw the ball, so Vince went and grabbed this rock that was lying around. Then he just bashed the kid’s head in with it, until pieces of his brain were falling out and stuff, and then he left him in a ditch.

And this didn’t make the news? Man, those media folks are clearly homers. I never heard this! All they talked about was some Wunderlic shit.