I was once a very depressed young person.

I was suicidal. I had to learn to love myself. And now that I have, many find me selfish. Maybe I am, and although some decisions I will be making soon will mean the ending of friendships . . .it must be.

Anorexic 1983 Suicidal Me

What I want to express is that despite judgments on decisions I will be making or have already made. This is my life and I did not enter this world to do what other people think I should. I will do what I must to keep my soul whole and protect the me I’ve become.

Many will not understand and consider me cruel, selfish and wrong.

It is what it is. I am not these things. I am giving, loving and spent more than 30 years giving myself away to please others. Many of you did not know me then, many of you were not born then, and most of you have not gone through my journey.Until you have, and you never will, you will not understand my path. It must be my path. I bid you farewell, those who cannot see or recognize the good I’ve done, I will do and will always do. For my decisions will make many of you feel my choices shun all the good I may have done or will do and have yet to do.Nevertheless, to do what others suggest, or believe I should, would end me. It just would. Doing what others thought I should nearly ended me in my teens, again in my thirties and twice in my forties. Only when I chose to nurture me, follow my own soul, recognize my own music and follow my bliss did I survive and thrive at a soul level.

To do what others say you should, or have to, is not life at all.

Even if it looks “right” in the eyes of the world. It kills your soul to deny your bliss. To deny your bliss just deadens your soul. Be it one year or two years, it is the walking dead. I will not be a walking dead person again. I must follow my bliss, not your list of should’s.

I do not believe as you do.

And you will see, or you won’t. I will live my life by my own convictions, my own choice and in my way. Or if not, then, I will leave as it is the only way. To live by your rules, your should’s is the death of my soul, anyway. Without my soul, my passion, then I do not exist, at all. And the body that encases this soul full of passion will have to move away and allow that soul to fly free . . . to be in the bliss of the air, the freedom and not encumbered in your plan to seal it under your shoulds.

“I had made the rooting dog look up — therefore I did exist. True, the dog hated me, but in its bark I heard a vicious compliment, for it is better to be hated than ignored, hate being a form of acknowledgement, albeit negative.”

I’m not a fan, nor am I a non-fan of Russell Brand — found him funny in a film or two. Nevertheless, I’ve found a new respect for him now. This article about his friend, Amy Winehouse, is brilliant, moving and beautiful.

Just click on the link at the top of the page: Russell Brand on Amy Winehouse – you will go to the article. Very moving, really.

My new rhyme: “You’re fine, its benign!”

To all of you, I’d like to send out the call for you all to memorize this rhyme and see my doctor saying it to me. . . as often as you think of me, imagine my doctor smiling (laughing even) and saying this rhyme. You see, something has occurred, as you can tell from this posting.

CLICK ON MY PICTURE FOR MORE INFO.

I was scared to post this before—as if this is the post of person about to go through something tragic. For all my law of attraction, positive changes in my life, I have to experience this?! I’ve been a bit angry these past few weeks about it, too.

Nevertheless, had my consultation with the breast specialist, yesterday. Needle biopsy is scheduled and all results were reviewed.

How it happened?

Back around January 2011, I had my mammogram and admittedly, it had been a few years . . . since 2006. I only had the films, though, from 1999. I have very large, dense breasts and fibroid cystic condition. When my breasts were much smaller, at the age of 20-years-old (they grew after that, by the way) — I had a cyst the size and hardness of a baseball. It [the cyst] was removed and found benign. My mammograms are hard to read.

Anyway, in January 2011, my mammogram showed a lot of “calcium clusters” and proved, once again, how dense my breasts are. Nevertheless, the calcium clusters, upon closer inspection by the doctor were deemed benign; but, there were a lot in the left breast and I was told to get the left breast done again six months later (instead of a year).

Seven months later, as I never found my May appointment — the calcium clusters were still there — and then, a new group of clustering!!! And this time, it was not round and deemed “abnormal”. Thus, I was referred to a ‘Breast Specialist’. And I saw her yesterday.

I learned, there are two kinds of breast calcium clusters:

Macrocalcifications:These are coarse calcium deposits and are usually representative of degeneration of the breasts, either due to inflammation, injuries or aging of the breast arteries. Such calcifications are generally benign and are usually found in women over the age of 50.

>>This is the kind I had in January 2011. Even though I am NOT over 50 or even 50-years-old yet, they’re there. Guess my breasts are aging, swelling or whatever.

Then, there’s this:

Microcalcifications: This type of calcification is found as tiny specks of calcium in the breast. A cluster is an area where there is a proliferation of many microcalcifications. Such clusters may be cancerous. Breast microcalcifications are not felt on self breast examination. When a mammogram shows a spot of calcium buildup, it is called a microcalcification.

By itself, microcalcification is not a cause for worry as it can occur due to many reasons, not always cancerous. It is when these micarocalcifications in the breast appear in tight clusters of irregular shapes that they become cause for concern.

>>Apparently, this is what has occurred, suddenly, after seven months — I’ve gotten this type of irregular-shaped clusters.

The worst case scenario, of course, is malignancy. The doctor informed me, though, mine is so early, so small and we cannot feel it — which, she said, is “good” — it would be treatable, very treatable.

Still, my friends, please talk to Archangel Raphael, Archangel Michael and all the healing angels to be with me. And see the words: BENIGN.

In the past few years, I’ve been utilizing “Law of Attraction” and intention . . .

January 2011

Some amazing things have happened for me this month, this year and just this week . . . beside me, on my cork board, I have a photograph of one of my favorite actors in the world: British actor, Alan Rickman.

The Subway Poster

Also, I’m was trying to enter a contest to win a trip around the world in 80 days. Here is my video. Unfortunately, the upload on the site isn’t working for my video. I will find a way to submit it, though! What do you think?

Well, in the past years, I had put out the wish to meet him in person, and see him live on stage.

Nevertheless, a few days ago, maybe a week — I saw a poster of Alan Rickman on the subway, right? I took a picture of it (the poster), I liked it so much! He excites me. I didn’t realize that the poster was an advertisement for a stage play, I thought it was a film.

It is a play, live on stage, at BAM (Brooklyn)! Someone made me aware of that two days ago . . . Alan Rickman is in NY, live on stage!

Conari Press

I have my ticket and will manifest this dream this coming week. Hopefully, both of them, by meeting Mr. Rickman at the stage door. From my typing to God’s ears!

My Name In Print

I’m working on writing and publishing my book . . . I read the first two chapters, today, of my book Nonfiction Book Proposals Anybody Can Write.

Today, I was checking my email . . . and I see the subject line: WIN A BOOK CONTRACT!

Divine timing . . . exactly as I was thinking about it and I manifested a contest. Wow!

What’s more, it is with Conari Press.

Back in 1992, I read a book called Random Acts of Kindness, the publisher: Conari Press! It gets better.

In the book, on the back page of the just published book, they asked for submissions of stories of kindness.

I’ve won writing awards growing up, so I wrote two stories of kindness to them and send them off. I forgot about them.

A few months later, or a year later, 1993 . . . I receive a package in the mail with two books in it. The books are More Random Acts of Kindness. It came with a letter.

When I read: “Dear Ms. Egic (my legal name), Thank you for your submission . . . ” I immediately thought it was a rejection letter.

I read on: “...we received over 1000 stories and could only choose 25 to publish.”

I knew I had been rejected . . . ” . . . and we chose yours as one of the 25! Congratulations!”

Conari Press was the first book who published my work in a national book! And now, I get an email from them about winning a book contract . . . divine creation as I am about to write my book.

Also, working on my entry to win a trip around the world for 80 Days from Cathay Airlines. Although, having trouble uploading the video to them.

One–Hundred Twenty–Two (122):

ClarifyYourIntention

Clarity of intention brings faster and stronger results. Don’t engage in wishful thinking and then forget about what you wanted. Be clear about your intention to have exactly what you want. Hold in your mind the image of your desired object. See the colors, the detailing, the size, the weight, and opacity or clarity, and even the timeframe in which you want it in your life. Do whatever you can to mentally see it in it totality. Think of all the ways it might arrive into your possession, how you will enjoy it, use it (wear it, drive it, etc.).

One–Hundred Twenty–One(121):

MaintainAPositiveAttitude

Belief that you can have your desire must be sustained because there surely will be a period between dreaming of having it and the physical manifestation of it in your life. Seldom are manifestations instantaneous. Intensify your efforts of deliberately working with the Law of Attraction by feeling and expressing your thankfulness at what you already have. Feel gratitude also for the power that is working to bring you the object your fervently desire.

One-Hundred Nineteen(119):

Give Yourself Permission To Have What You Want

If you deny yourself permission to have the object of your desire, you will block its arrival. Reasons you might deny yourself permission to have something include feeling like you don’t deserve it or your income doesn’t support the purchase or you think someone else is more deserving. What you fervently desire is sure to manifest when you give yourself permission to have it, think about it often and with feeling, consider ways to acquire it, and set in motion the acquisition of it through your intent.

One–Hundred Eighteen (118): Go Shopping In The Storehouse Of The Universe

Think of how much you enjoy browsing through the pictures in your favorite catalogs or spending a day at the outlet stores or whiling away an hour or two at a Costco or Sam’s Club warehouse. Now consider all the offerings of every store, merchant, or collective of all your favorite countries of the world.Remember, you are shopping in the warehouse of the universe. The promise of the law is that if you can imagine and desire something clearly enough, using high levels of creative energy, you can swiftly attract it.