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Saturday, 26 July 2008

SF: pain-alive

SF: pain-aliveI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about getting me periods while on the plane to SA.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain I might get during me periods while being on the plane to SAI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that the pains will be unbearableI forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that by expecting, I am creatingI forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to to stop worryingI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in what kind of miserable state I could be arriving in SA.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I will have great painsI forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I will be OK, I BREATHE THROUGH ITI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have my periods on plane to SAI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to script having my periods on plane to sa with massive painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a slave to painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a slave to painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I feel pain to remember that I am alive.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain means aliveI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life means painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life means sufferingI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is here to remember myself how precious life isI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is here to remember myself to the "value of life"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is here to remember myself to not take life for grantedI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire getting sick or experience pain when I perceived my life to be boringI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish getting sick because I believed my life was boring and I had nothing to do and I believed that getting sick might "spice" things up a bitI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my wish of getting sick when I actually got sick, shortly after pondering about wanting to get sick - lolI forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to believe that pain is here to make me aware of the momentI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need pain to be aware of the momentI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is here to make me aware that I am HEREI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need pain to make me aware that I am HEREI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when feeling extensive pain to just Be pain and nothing else and surender myself to the painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bow down to painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept pain as something greater than meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing I can do about pain but do nothing and waitI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain as "unlimited" grip over meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is something bigger than mei forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am nothing towards painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am nothing compared to painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is immense and overwhelming and that I just have to experience it and that there is nothing I can do but experience this painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is superior to meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture this image of me being all little and pain being this immense huge demon, on fire, burningI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is unstoppableI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the role of slave to pain because apparently this is the only thing I can doI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will never be able to "start something against" painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely surrender myself to pain and just do nothing and have pity with myselfI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pain as a justification for not taking self responsibilityI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take all and everything as justification for not taking self responsibilityI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is actually able to limit meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to let pain limit meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain in itself can limit meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind pain so I apparently do not have to take self responsibilityI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when being in pain - it is impossible to take self responsibilityI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are "cases" when you cannot possibly take self responsibilitywhat bullshit crap lolI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that not taking self responsibility because of pain is actually a good excusei forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as "good excuses"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as "bad excuses"I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that an excuse is an excuse, and an apparent "good" excuse doesnt make things suddenly seem OKAll excuses are worthless dishonest shit anywayALL EXCUSES ARE CRAPgot that Leila lolI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain and life go hand by handI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there can only be life if there is painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling pain means being aliveI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiencing pain implies "being alive"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be "grateful" for pain because it apparently remembers me how it feels to be aliveI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the almost constant experience pain within me - without questioning it - believing it is a part of meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as a part of "who I am"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is a part of "who I am"I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that pain is but an illusionI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is realI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I deserve painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should experience painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is only natural to experience painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make pain realI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is here to make me remember I am hereI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is here to confirm my existenceI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need pain to confirm that I am hereI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need anything or anyone to confirm that I actually existI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need anything or anyone to confirm that I am actually HEREI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am totally dependent on all things outside of myself to confirm to me that I indeed actually existI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am totally dependent on all things outside of myself to confirm to me that I am indeed HEREI forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I do not need confirmation from anything or anyone outside of myself - I am here - and that's itI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for confirmation outside of myself to confirm and validate my existenceI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if something or someone outside of myself doesnt confirm I exist, or I am here, I am not here, I do not existI forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is bullshit to expect from others to confirm my existence - i am here - I cut this crap