Empty nest syndrome?

Hello everyone

this is my first post having literally just signed up so I'm not sure how this works or what to expect but here goes...

I've been a single mum for 23 years really, albeit a period of a 3 years 18 years ago when I met my youngest daughter's father. He turned out to be a liar and a cheat and has never paid child support or wanted to have anything to do with our daughter. So of course that's been a challenge to say the least.

I never wanted or expected to be raising children on my own (who does really?) however I think I've done a pretty good job of it considering. I had, to say the least, an unhappy childhood. Step father was violent and never allowed my mum to have a relation with her parents/family or us her five children really. So I've grown up without a mother as a role model and support, then to top it off I found out when I was 14 that the man I believed to be my father, infact wasn't!! Long story very short I have, for the last 18 years been trying to pursue (on and off) the man I believed to be my biological father (my mother relented after my constant questioning and gave me his name). I took this at face value and believed her, however, now after 18 years of me pleading with this man he has taken a DNA test ( at my cost and also as he wouldnt agree to being present with me when the swabs were taken I had to trust his daughter when she said she would ensure that the swab was taken directly from him). Needless to say, what I imagined would just be a formality turned out that - he is NOT my biological father - so where does that leave me?? Not having a relationship with my mum it was a difficult thing to do but I rang her and told her the results - she didn't appear at all interested or concerned and said she didn't know anything and I should leaver her alon

On top of all this my youngest daughter at 17, left home 3 months go and I am finding this extrememly difficult to cope with. We have always had a very good and close relationship until she began a relationship with a young man of 18. Don't get me wrong he is a nice lad but she has become a different person since she met him and doesn't want or need to see me or speak to me very much, unless she is ill or they have had a falling out.

My eldest daughter is doing well, she is a professional dancer and went to Uni and is working around the world with her dancing career, however our relationship has been difficult. I am very proud of my girls and love them dearly but children do break your heart! What I'm learning to do...and it's very difficult is to try and keep my opinions (hard at times) to myself and get on with my life.

I did my first degree as a single parent of one, graduating in 1994 with a BA (hons) 2:1 (and yes I will pat myself on the back as I'm very proud of that). I'm now half way through the Occupational Therapy BSc, which is proving a challenge to say the least at 47 but I am determined to get there!

So....I'm not sure what to expect back, if anything but my friends and the small family I have are telling me I've done all the right things and not to take this too much to heart with my girls. I'm managing as best I can but I kid you not (no pun intended) parent can be a hard road. On the flip side I wouldn't be without them in my life ever...I know what it's like not to have a muat my side.

Welcome to netmums I'm Lauren, one of the parent supporters working on this board.

It sounds like you have had a lot going on over the years and bringing up the children on your own. You have done really well for yourself, getting an education along the way and going back to do OT now. Well done! It is not easy to combine it all!

I think what you describe with your youngest daughter is quite typical of behaviours at that age. She is becoming independent, wants to make her own choices, and you are left, only there whenever she needs it. That is the important bit though Sandra, as she stretches her wings and goes forward in the world, she knows her mum is there for here to pick up the pieces when she needs I'm sure it can be hurtful, however there is a good chance she will come to realise how important mum is and how much she does actually need you.

Parenting is tough and there seem to be challenges at all ages and stages!

How about finding a few more things to do with your time, now that your children have moved out of home, fill some of that empty nest?

Sandra it sounds to me like you've done a fantastic job bringing up your girls on your own. I was on my own with my boys for 5 years and that was tough enough! I don't have quite the relationship that i would like with my 17 year old and he has gone now to live with my ex but i keep the lines of communication open and he comes to stay on a regular basis. We do the best we can as parents and hope that our kids forgive any mistakes we make along the way.

Well done on your academic achievements! And good luck with the OT course - wouldn't mind doing that myself!

Thank you Lauren

Thank you Lauren for your kind words of support and advice, they are very much appreciated and it's good to feel a part of this support network, even if I don't live nearby.

Keep up the good work x

I hope to be coming back every now and again (assignment committments permitting) and hopefully I can pass on some of my experiences to others )

Originally Posted by Lauren L(56)

Hello Sandra,

Welcome to netmums I'm Lauren, one of the parent supporters working on this board.

It sounds like you have had a lot going on over the years and bringing up the children on your own. You have done really well for yourself, getting an education along the way and going back to do OT now. Well done! It is not easy to combine it all!

I think what you describe with your youngest daughter is quite typical of behaviours at that age. She is becoming independent, wants to make her own choices, and you are left, only there whenever she needs it. That is the important bit though Sandra, as she stretches her wings and goes forward in the world, she knows her mum is there for here to pick up the pieces when she needs I'm sure it can be hurtful, however there is a good chance she will come to realise how important mum is and how much she does actually need you.

Parenting is tough and there seem to be challenges at all ages and stages!

How about finding a few more things to do with your time, now that your children have moved out of home, fill some of that empty nest?

Thank you Sarah

Hi Sarah and thank you for your response of support and kind words, it is very much appreciated.

Parenting is I would say the hardest and least rewarded (in some respects, although the rewards one reaps in forming that emotional bond with your child(ren) can never be matched I believe by anything else - although if John Travolta were to knock on my door... lol) job we can ever do.

It sounds like you have done a great job too which you should be proud of. Yes it is difficult letting go and although I know I've brought my girls up to be independent and good people, it's hard to adapt to a different kind of role and relationship. I'm certain it will settle down in time, my youngest needs some time to find herself, she's especially struggling with what she wants to do with her life. I understand and remember well how difficult an age 17 is - then again I don't think any age is particularly easy, we just become less affected maybe by what other's expect.

Thanks again and hey if you want any advice on the OT course don't hesitate to ask. I'm very passionate about mature students, particularly women, getting back into education )

Originally Posted by Sarah B(1665)

Sandra it sounds to me like you've done a fantastic job bringing up your girls on your own. I was on my own with my boys for 5 years and that was tough enough! I don't have quite the relationship that i would like with my 17 year old and he has gone now to live with my ex but i keep the lines of communication open and he comes to stay on a regular basis. We do the best we can as parents and hope that our kids forgive any mistakes we make along the way.

Well done on your academic achievements! And good luck with the OT course - wouldn't mind doing that myself!