Have you heard? Wall Street is getting its swagger back! But while this is obviously great news, it's been a long time since finance guys turned their swag on. So we've assembled a guide to help them!

It's so good to hear that "Wall Street's moneyed elite are breathing easier again," as Susanne Craig and Kevin Roose write on The New York Times' DealBook blog. It's even better to hear that "they are spending again... sometimes with a familiar swagger." Swagger like... trying to hire a dwarf for a bachelor party? You bet!

Some of that excess remains. A Morgan Stanley trader recently tried to hire a dwarf for a bachelor party in Miami, asking the dwarf to meet him at the airport in a "Men in Black" style suit, according to e-mail exchanges. The trader, who wanted to handcuff the dwarf to the bachelor, was recently fired.

Sigh. See, the last time Wall Street bros turned their swag on was 2007, and they're all out of practice! Which is why we're here.

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As neutral swag experts ("swagnostics"), we're prepared to guide finance guys through the complex world of swagriculture. We've isolated a few key categories, and listed options for people at any level: "Entry-level" (amateur), "Baller Status" (semi-pro), and "Swagged Out" (professional swaggregator).

And so, without further ado, the Gawker Guide to Turning Your Swag On (Wall Street Edition):

Car

Entry-level: Some hideous Italian sports carBaller Status: The actual Ghostbusters car, from the movieSwagged Out: A horse with shoes made of diamonds

Wristwatch

Summer Spot

Entry-level: Unlivable modern house in the HamptonsBaller Status: Man-made island shaped like your own face in the secret emirateSwagged Out: The center of the fucking earth, on a six-story rocket yacht