Spencer Pratt: ‘I’ll win Heidi back. With Army.’

Here’s Spencer Pratt in Malibu yesterday following up Heidi’s Sadness Photos with whatever the hell this staged shoot is supposed to represent. Is he so sad Heidi left him he can only communicate via walkie talkie now? I can’t even think about it without wanting to punch my brain stem out. On top of that, you’ve got everyone who knows them coming out of the woodwork to say their split is a stunt to sell Heidi’s new reality show including Jennifer Bunney who’s on the fucking thing. At this point, I honestly want to listen in on their conversations which is in no way an endorsement of whatever scripted bullshit they’ll act out on TV.

HEIDI: So I sat in front of a lake looking sad. What are you going to do?
SPENCER: I’m going to run around in the woods showing guys how rugged and into role-playing I am.
HEIDI: How does that help the show?
SPENCER: The what now?

I figured it out. He WANTED to go mountain biking, but the “Coral Canyon” sign says specifically that NO BIKES are allowed, so he decided to manually mountain bike.

Sigh. All his clothes are brand new.

I blame his father. When he was 6 years old, and he was putting on his little skits for the family in the living room, his dad should have pulled him aside, slapped him in the ears, punched him in the stomach, and said, “Stop this! You’re mother thinks it’s cute because she’s your MOTHER, but you better stop acting like My “Eff-ing” Little Pony, or I’m gonna beat you ’til Shirley Temple drops outta your ass! Now take this pistol outside and shoot that lousy chihuahua of yours, or I WILL!”

Spencer is well on his way to the stardom he wants. It will be breaking Hollywood news about how he baracaded himself inside building armed to the teeth, and went on a shooting spree. He won’t turn the gun on himself, though, because he’s fooled himself into believing that his new found fame will lead to his own reality show from prison. This dude WILL snap one day, you just know it.