Saturday, February 5, 2011

For Valentine's Day, my thoughts on love & romance.

The general consensus of love and romance is a mixed bag to say the least. My original idea when I started writing this was to ask several different people in various age groups if they thought it was alive or dead, and what their definition of love and romance was. Based on the feedback, I had hoped to find a trend among the ages to see if it was thriving or dying. Common sense should have told me that there is no exact science when it comes to human emotion. We could begin the day bitter and jaded, and then meet a random stranger who fills our belly with butterflies and changes our whole outlook. With that in mind, I opted to scale it back and simplify things by just asking for their definitions.

The beauty of this topic is that there is no right or wrong answers; it’s all a matter of opinion. A friend of mine, who is a fantastic creature in every way, always manages to say just the right thing, and word it perfectly. When I asked for her input, she told me:

"Love and romance will exist until the last human being ceases to breathe. It all comes down to the self-awareness which prods us to find someone who makes us feel special...we will never become so rational as beings that we lose this need. Valentine's Day is so much commercial hoopla, but what it purports to celebrate is something flawed, yet lovely, much like ourselves."

Love: (luhv) –noun
A strong positive emotion of regard and affection.
I was both confused and distraught by the definitions of love that many people gave me, to say the least. As I said before, this topic is a matter of opinion, but my opinion seems to be very different from the majority of the people I asked.

When I think of love, I use my grandparents as the measuring stick. I’ve never loved anyone the way I did them. When they died, a significant part of me died with them. It left an emptiness that will probably never be filled. In addition to my feelings for them, I consider their feelings for each other. They didn’t shower each other in gifts or affection. I can’t remember a single time that they showed each other any form of affection. I never saw them so much as hold hands or heard them say that the loved one another. They could be in a room together for hours on end and not say a single word, yet as individuals, they were incomplete. This was never more evident than when my grandmother died. My grandfather was a man of very few words, and even less emotion, but when his wife passed away he became an empty shell of who he was. His eyes were filled with heartbreak and sorrow for the next year, until he eventually passed away. If I had to guess, I’d bet he welcomed the end with open arms. He was a man who survived the great depression, fought in WWII, and faced any challenge that life put in front of him, and he never complained, not once. It took the death of my grandmother to finally break him.

The way people described love to me, is what I would call infatuation. It’s a wonderful feeling that makes you walk around with a shit-eating grin from ear to ear. The feeling of ecstasy that has you floating along with your head in the clouds, or that wave of bliss that rushes over you when you see them smile while holding their hand. When I hear people talking about a relationship getting stale, that boggles my mind. I don’t want passion and excitement from the person I love, I want comfort. I want to know that we will be there for each other, no matter what.

There are moments when people are moved to do incredibly thoughtful and wonderful things for the ones they love. It doesn't have to be a moonlit stroll, or sitting on a beach watching the sunset, and certainly can't be forced because Hallmark and the calendar says we have to, but I'm a firm believer that it still exists. I’m of the opinion that those who say it is dead might just need to remember the meaning of the word.

After doing a bit of research on the topic of “the most romantic gestures of all time”, I didn’t find anything that didn’t revolve around money. That makes me sad. While it was incredibly sweet of Joe DiMaggio to commission a florist to deliver flowers to Marilyn Monroe’s grave twice a week for two full decades after her passing, let’s face it, that’s still about the money.

Perhaps I just can’t relate to a monetary gesture simply because I don’t have the money to do these things. Never have, and probably never will. In my poverty stricken world (read: financially irresponsible) the determining factor should be the feeling you get, not the amount they spend. There’s a difference between being romanced, and being wined and dined. One is from the heart; the other is from the wallet.

One of the most romantic experiences of my life was when a girl I was dating and I decided to hop in the car and drive to the shore on a whim. We knew full well that by the time we got there that everything would be closed, yet we drove an hour just to walk the length of the boardwalk, hand in hand, and enjoy a beautiful summer night by the sea. The entire time...we never spoke a word; just traded smiles.

1 comment:

It sounds like what your grandparents had was the real thing. Love really isn't about the physical or material aspects -- these are just temporary pleasures. It's about the deep emotional connection you have with someone, and the sense of comfort and happiness you get just being around them. A feeling that never fades, but only grows day by day. I believe that if you recognize the meaning of true love and want it in your life, it will find you.