just molecules

there was a boy, a very special boy
yes he was a man child, how I love to be good and out
i don’t think he see me at all and he can see right through me
did I manifested just so he could ask me?

how did I find you? how did I ever find you?
how do I get you alone?
if you had a mind to
we could spend some time to give up
how do I get you alone?

there was a girl, a little, little girl
people say she got and odd smile
you could never figure it out
but if you can see her at all
and now you’re putting questions
i think she manifest ‘em, just so she could have him

i wanna ask him

how did I find you? how did I ever find you?
how do I get you alone?
if you had a mind to
we could spend some time to give up
how do I get you alone?

there was a girl
you could see her lid up
you could really see her lid up

you could see her lid up

you could really see her lid up
you could see her lid up
you could really see her lid up.
you could see her lid up
you could really see her lid up
you could see her, see her
you could really see her, see her
you could see her, see her, see her, see her

the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. i don't want to be in disbelief anymore. the support i've been getting for this project is otherworldly. from everybody. artists, people's whose musical tastes i trust. it was one. then it was two. then the universe threw a few things my way, then i had to put trust in it to ask for exactly what i wanted. and it's real. & i want to scream about it all over the place but i can't. i don't want anything, anyone, any negativity tainting this work. it's my baby. every single detail. every lyric, every melody. all the ins and outs from an executive producer's perspective, all the communications, the correspondence, the criticism, and the feelings. the energy and time invested from all the souls involved. the inspiration, the ability and power to be used by it. the honesty. there's so much love here.

so i just figured out j & i’s relationship. she’s the hov to my ye. for the longest i was the tag-along trying not to be the tag-along. that annoying kid sister. i wanted to be around and couldn’t, and it hurt my feelings. couldvebeens and whatifs consumed me until the noise bordered deafening. then numb. then it got too quiet and i had to do whatever i could to occupy the space again. this time with more me and less them. we made up like sisters do & resumed life without those ghastly in-betweens. it’s a funny kind of thing when you feel like you’ve found your own footing, so you hide your sandcastle as a way of withholding information with the presumption this will make things seem more exclusive. & really, it’s for you. but so what if it is. i don’t know if secrets between you and yourself are really secrets. this felt like some carmen sandiego shit but it was just me being selfish. sent an email i promised about a week late with a disclaimer backed by barbed wire. not gonna front: she blew my high with her bad day, but i’m beyond taking these sorts of interactions personal to satisfy ego. there was no real reason to be salty. i knew it was the universe restoring balance. as per the axis. sci said anything too good to be true is god. i’d asked someone the day before about this phenomenon. i found his theory sobering.

been writing in my journal more, and telling twitter a lot less. i want tangible evidence i was here. for me. for my kids. their kids and theirs after those. disposable camera. polaroids. hand written notes. love letters. pages filled words. records. drawings. i saw a guy on the A a couple days ago with a discman. it looked like a relic. i digress. there’s a lot i want to say but i’m very calculated in the way in which i express myself. i wonder if ppl think i have ADHD. i don’t. i just do a lot. but the city puts that sort of urgency in you. there are lots of ways to spend your time. it’s all just one dot connecting to the next. and since this is my blog and i don’t have to justify my actions. my online charms shop is having a 15% off sale. enter ‘luxxsale’ at checkout. i’m trying to get rid of a bulk to freak some all new beads & patterns. i have a bunch i haven’t even posted yet but i want to get some shipments out. thanks to all of you who’ve supported me since my launch (almost a month ago!). & to gem for sharing her brilliance with me. her suggestions have always made life easier.

i suck at blogging. so much. i just go go go go go go go everyday and never make time to sit and actually write anything besides lyrics. i should update about that. i don’t know what this blog is about anymore. but i’ve been taking vocal lessons and am working on getting my live sound right. there’s this pressing need to keep my momentum going at all times, even when everything isn’t where i want it. i’ve turned down production, and have asked for better. i don’t think i’ve found anyone who understands my sound. that’s totally okay. timing is a huge factor in all this and i’m not one to rush the creative process. there’s no need.

regarding the stage name change, i talked it over with nico and she immediately agreed. this new name feels more like me. it is completely my own, and makes more sense. so i’m gonna roll with the transformation and not hem and haw about it. funny thing is, as soon as i went with it a bunch of things fell into place. maybe i was having an exceptionally good day. but it felt like my doing.

could be ego-trippin. but if something isn’t exactly the way i want it, i downright refuse to accept it. especially mediocrity. i’m not a big deal. but the feelings i have for my music are. got all these cats tryna diddy me on the side and i just have to laugh at it. because they have no idea what i’ve been through in this thing. and the thought of compromising myself or sound is absurd at this point. i’m not some twit tryna get on. in my mind i’m already on. you just can’t see nor feel it yet. had a convo with Sci and JohnNy last night that was similar to one i had with Crys last week. everybody can’t and will not be on at the same time. support is clutch from the right people. people who’s intentions are pure. “support” from folks with agendas can be detrimental to the creative process. when people try to make it about them all these red flags go off. this aint your shit, breh. this mine. releasing shit just to say you did it isn’t art to me. nor is instant gratification. Sci looked me in my face and told me the more pressure the brighter the diamond. we’ll see.