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By Charlie Kazfranco on March 1, 2012

Be warned: This is a tutorial, but putting “A TUTORIAL” in the headline is so 2011, especially if each letter of “tutorial” is in capital letters. Before we begin, you need to sit down on something comfortable. OK? Sit down. On something. A bed is fine, but a couch is good and even a toilet seat will do. Don’t sweat the small stuff, just relax.

And when I say “small stuff,” Jesus F—ing Christ, no, of course I am not insulting your penis.

All right. You are now seated, attentively calm and ready to learn how to publicly expose your genitals with a consensual partner. Note that every word in every paragraph of this tutorial is meant to guide only lovers of equal standing, whether they are lying down or doing that butt-sniffing 69 position. Equality is key to good sex.

Let’s use numbers, but in a non-mathematical way. The following numbers used will be straightforward so no one feels that icky “I wish I’d gone to Harvard” feeling. Simple numbers help lubricate the process of any mental intake.

And let’s just get this out of the way: If you desire to have sex in public it’s best to do it in a car, so your chances of getting caught and then being added to the Sex Offender Registry are minimized.

10 Rules for Doing the Nasty in Public (in Order of Importance)

1. Fall in love and get married.

2. Skip the above if you are single with no long term prospects for anything meaningful, and just move on to …

3. Meet someone who is attracted to you and vice versa.

4. Have sex in public. But do No. 5 first.

5. Make sure no one can see you. Take note of No. 6 as soon as possible.

6. No. 5 is extremely important.

7. Make sure there is a very good possibility that someone might possibly see you humping and pumping in public display, because that is what’s the most fun about doing it in public. But be very certain no one, and I do mean no one, will see the nasty filth you are actively participating in, with this equally debased willing partner of yours, in the heat of passion, in the open where such things like sex should not happen due to the fact that it’s deplorably indecent and super-duper-illegal.

8. Get crazy.

9. Go wild.

10. Make it to 69 (no sexual innuendo here — what I mean is, don’t die before turning 69). Remember this hot sex in public. One day in the future, whether you find yourself in bed, on a sofa, on a toilet seat or even in a wheelchair, the memory of having had public sex may be one of your most cherished memories. Remember this.

If you follow the above steps, I guarantee that as long as you make sure to do No. 3, you’ll be happy. If you manage to do No. 1, you’ll be the happiest. Regardless, make sure to do No. 9 at some point. Happy sex to you, you animal.