A single mother-of-six, who allegedly abandoned
her young family to carry out missionary work in Cyprus, could be the
first person in Britain to be defended by imminent, new ‘hate law’ legislation

Rammy Tupper, of Sible Hedingham, Essex,
is accused of leaving her children unattended while she took up a recruitment
job in notorious lager-lout Mecca, Ayia Napa, with holiday firm, ‘Medaegean
Misogyny’. Her Lawyer explained: “My client took up her
post with this company as a means of funding her pilgrimage—so
she could spread the Gospel among the disillusioned and spiritually
disenfranchised young people who flock to the island in search of happiness.”

Utterpants
can exclusively reveal that the ‘Gospel’ referred to is
actually the alleged wisdom of 'The Great Papabean’ (Papa-Bee-Ann)—a
‘divine’ entity who spoke to Ms Tupper during her come down
from an LSD trip, which she claims she took to combat morning sickness
while pregnant
with twins, La-Toya and Chlamydia.
“Normally, y'know," giggled the twenty-three-year-old hairdresser,
"when I’m like pregnant and that, I like, y'know, do a bit
of spliff really, but my mate Boz was down and he was stopping with
me like so he’d given me some wiz in exchange for like a quick
BJ and I was like gagging on it all the time and he wasn’t like
enjoying it you know, so I just took the double dunt up both ends like.
So it was like Tuesday and I got to go to the doctor’s for my
cold sores, y'know but I’m like gouched and can’t go like.
And that’s when I had my vision. It was very clarity like.”

Since her first ‘meeting’ with The Great Papabean, Ms Tupper's
lawyer, Mr Montague Poophole QC, claims his client has become a devout
servant of the generously parsimonious god who is described as a cross
between Pope Gregory VII and Sawney Bean—the notorious 15th Century
Scottish Cannibal. “Basically, my client holds the belief that
the Universe and everything in it was created in the mid 1940’s
by The Great Papabean. His profile fits that of most other official
gods—insofar as he appears to be an anomalous, vengeful, hypocritical,
blinkered, all-seeing racist. My client informs me that he spends much
of his time in his laboratory mixing up magic potions to make what we
call the
weather and the odd tsunami to wash away sex tourists who prey on
teenage girls in exotic holiday resorts. However, if you piss him off
he will not hesitate to skin you alive, probably with a sharp stone,
before salting and drying your flesh and feeding it to his 'godlets'
who apparently live in a small, damp cave on the west coast of Scotland.”

When she was arrested at Luton airport on her return, Ms Tupper claimed
she'd left her children in the spiritual care of ‘Sassettebeanling’,
an older sibling entity who watched over them in her absence. At the
time of her arrest, Ms. Tupper apparently showed Social Workers a number
of bruises and abrasions between her thighs and on her left breast coated
with a sticky residue resembling thin cream. Initially, she stated that
arresting police officers had inflicted the wounds while carrying out
a full body search. She then went on to accuse a lesbian customs officer
of assaulting her in the red area before remembering the marks were
actually a spiritual phenomenon known as stigmata. She also claimed
the milky residue was a sign of Papabean's sorrow at her arrest.

Mr Poophole told Utterpants
that any attempt to prosecute his client could fall foul of the UK's
new Religious hatred laws: “Just because the courts may not share
my client’s belief, is no reason to prosecute her for deserting
her six, defenceless little kiddies. I have consulted a number of eminent
Professors’ of Philosophy who argue quite rightly that it is impossible
to disprove Rammy Tupper’s beliefs. Prosecuting a loving mother
of sex—sorry, six—for her beliefs would be the worst kind
of religious intolerance—if not outright religious hatred. The
last time I looked this was 21st Century Britain, not 15th Century Spain.
Human rights legislation already bans religious discrimination in the
workplace and my client was essentially working on behalf of The Great
Papabean whilst she was abroad. Look at me, I clearly sold my soul to
the Devil years ago, but the State knows better than to try and prosecute
me. If they set a precedent like this they'd end up having to sue every
lawyer in the country."

When we suggested that the whole saga was about as plausible as his
client's claim to be carrying The Great Papabean's child, Mr Poophole
became defensive: "Look, all I'm doing is putting forward an argument;
nothing more. Leaving your kids alone while you swan off on holiday
to get pissed and shagged senseless by a lot
of idle layabouts is not the same thing as leaving your kids in
the responsible hands of an omnipotent deity while you pursue the sacred
mission your god has entrusted to you during a moment of transcendent
bliss."
"Well, when you put it like that.."
"I do put it like that!" boomed the Barrister, rubbing his
hands together. "Look what happened when my former client, the
football
manager, Archie Mcfergie, contested the charges brought against
him. He drove his Lamborghini at 200 mph through a kindergarten during
nap time while pissed as a fart and because the police used a blue rather
than black ballpoint pen on the charge sheet, the R’s rolling
Scot got off Scot free."

In what is likely to be an interesting legal precedent, many high profile
religious followers have come out in support of Ms Tupper. Speaking
from her Temazcal re-birthing Mayan steam bath, top QC and part-time
spin doctor, Cherie,
Blair-Booth-Blair-Booth, told Utterpants
that it would be blasphemous for Ms Tupper to be prosecuted simply because
her religious beliefs fall out with the mainstream, before swinging
a crystal pendulum over her oedema pitted ankles.
Not everyone supports Ms. Tupper’s plight however. Former England
netball goal attack, Glynn Hiddle, said today that if Ms Tupper doesn’t
join his Tantric Anglo-Buddhist Kabbalah sect, 'the cock-hungry wiz-snorting
Chav scumbag deserves everything she gets.'