They're looking so pretty, tonightCoiffed and suited just rightAll of their sound bites preparedSchooled on the issues, a little bit scared

They will cross swords oh so lightBlades barely meeting and smiles drawn tightBillions will ride on their answersAnd voters will make their selections.

Still there are times when you just have to wonderIs the whole thing an incredible blunder?While we compare hairstyles,The sky starts to thunderTornadoes appear on our doorstepsI wonder, are we on the vergeof a thousand-year bummer?

No one will touch that, tonightWhich is why Gore is nowhere in sightWe'll have plenty of style,A side of issues-lite,A sneer from the right,

They're looking so pretty, tonightSexy, formal, an anchor's delightThey'll charm everyone in sightIt's like a lamp store in here, it's so bright.

Teeth gleaming, hair sculptedMeticulous cosmetic morphingInto perfect candidates,The kind who never quite debate,At best get testyAre never late

But we must cast our ballots, tonightOn what basis? Who knows wrong from right?Let's just be fools for a night,We'll vote, but first turn out the light.

Those minor differencesWon't get in our way...Iran/Iraq United NationsWhat the 'hey,'Cause it's all in a world ruler's day,And if they stuck a mikeup to my faceHere is what I'd say --"Yeah, I-IWanna be like youYeah, I-IWanna be like you!"

Hey, did you kiss your sister?Did you go to prep school?Did you kill anyone in the KGB?Don't you wish that you weremore successful?Whaddaya think about Condi and me?I think the job is kinda stressfulYou seem to handle it marvelouslySo I-IWanna be like you.

I am a CommunistIt works so goodI couldn't resistI tell my friend Vlad,Vladimir PutinYou know we're friendsSure as shootin'I-I Wanna be like you!-- I mean it, man!I-I Wanna be like you!

Well it's another perfect day in the neighborhood With perfect people everywhere Painting picket fences and makin' double lattes, Workin' for the CIA.

There's not a whole lotta places a guy can go To find employment and security. The whole private sector is just a show, A cover for the CIA.

We come in all shapes and sizes Don't you know, Mohamedan, Christian and Jew, Buddhist and Taoist even some of us Believe in Sai Baba, too But under the skin We're all blacker than sin Workin' for the CIA.

Yeah the money's good here And it spends real fine Printed by the CIA, And there's plenty of jobs in interrogation Workin' for the CIA, Ya get to know your neighbors, Ya get to know the truth About a whole lot of things We know about you, Yeah there's a whole lotta perks With a company spot, Workin' for the CIA.

See that guy over there In the cycle shop, And that bum smokin' crack at the old bus stop, That postal employee cleanin' out the box, All workin' for the CIA.

It's just another perfect day In the neighborhood, Developed by the CIA. And if you're not plugged in It might not be so good, I mean with the CIA. So we'll be by again and see just what you think, And remember it's just CIA. CIA.

(It’s like a wind that blows a thousand miles an hour. You will be like -- “All my shit has been blown away…”)

Yeah many man's tried And many man's died Because you can’t defeat An avocado An avocado may look small But inside, it’s ten feet tall, That’s why you can’t defeat an avocado You may learn some lessons in your life From your husband or your wife But until you see the light You don’t know wrong from right But you need never fear The avocado’s here And you can’t defeat an avocado We’re takin’ bets here every night The smart money’s always right And you bet That it’s on The avocado Because you can’t No you can’t You just can’t No you can’t You just can’t Defeat An avocado Like Napoleon at Waterloo My friend that will be you If you attempt to overthrow An avocado Yeah, like Hitler at Stalingrad It will be that bad If you try to defeat An avocado Now wine comes from grapes And people came from apes But an avocado has a pit And that’s just the heart of it! So you can’t No you can’t No you can’t No you can’t You just can’t defeat an avocado

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“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” This formulation was first declared to me by some peer at the age of three or four – a veritable wise man he seemed to me – revealing the meaning of the mysterious three-monkey tableux so often encountered among the knick knacks adults accumulated in those days. It was a big revelation: the three monkeys, the first covering his eyes, the second his ears, and the third, his mouth – were a visual representation of the concept. Oh, now that I understood, how wise and virtuous those monkeys seemed. I understood in a flash why they were venerated by so many of the great and powerful big people. They were not taking in, or spreading “evil.” These monkeys were definitely on the right side of the game, since everybody knew “evil” was the worst thing of all.

So I was really surprised when I told my dad that I’d realized how important the wisdom of the three monkeys was, and he told me it was a bunch of crap. Nobody, he explained, should keep their mouth shut about evil. If there was evil going on, we needed to find out about it. We needed to see it, hear it, talk about it, and put an end to it. My namby-pamby see-no, hear-no, speak-no-evil pose went up in flames that day, and I’ve held a grudge against those cowardly monkeys ever since for leading me to make an ass out of myself in front of my dad.

Recently, I heard that an anonymous website had just come up with a list of suspect websites proliferating “fake news” to advance a Russian agenda, and the Washington Post elevated this website to the status of a genuine news-origin certifying authority. I did not bother to be concerned. People who will avoid the blacklisted news outlets are engaged in proactive self-censorship. By supporting the list, they tell everyone in earshot that they aren’t hearing or seeing fake news, so it’s impossible that they will speak it. Their minds won’t be contaminated by fake news, and no one can blame them for spreading it. If the thought police look in their heads, they will find them empty.

Three-monkey relief carving (hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil) on Shinkyusha. Nikko, Japan

Fake News (To the tune of “Downtown”)by Charles Carreon12/10/16

Turn on the TVHear the things that they’re sayingWell it sounds a lotLike News

Pick up the paperRead the things that are writtenWell it surely looksLike News

But now the “Prop or Not” ListHas landed in my TwitterAnd Huff-po, WaPo, Daily BeastThey all are in a flutter –What to Believe?The Rooskies are under the BedThe Chinese are here to be fedThis isFake News!Let’s see if it’s on the listOh dear, Look at it right here,Fake News!Straight from the Kremlin, they say!

Power’s corruptingAnd media has powerTo sell Fake News!Now who do you thinkMight be in a positionTo buy Fake News?

I mean the news is spozed toGive you all the skinnyThe straight dope and the lowdownAnd the truly on the level.Good luck with that!Citizens United took over your headNow the screaming liberalsSay Conservatives are RedThis is Fake NewsDon’t try to sell me thisFake NewsI know this shit’s on the listFake NewsJust stick this right up your ass.

Truth is expensive,So they use it quite sparingly inFake NewsLike the sun’s in the skyAnd there’s a base on the moonYou call that Fake News?Your mind is just a playgroundFor thoughts of other’s makingYour choices like a baby’s candyRight there for the taking.

They have to lie, tooThe Rooskies are under the BedThe Chinese are here to be fedThis isFake News!Let’s see if it’s on the listOh dear, Look at it right here,Fake News!Straight from the Kremlin, they say!