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Thursday, August 4, 2011

Shower King's Shower Secrets

Hard at work

4 Tips to Showering success:

Skip this section if you don't care about me and want to get straight to the tips.
I was known as the Shower King in college, one of many nicknames. And as the Shower King I am here to share tips and secrets I have picked up throughout the years. But let me first give you a little taste of my shower roots.

As a kid most of my shower life was spent in the locker room after swim practice. We used to have soap fights and make soap bubbles (those of you that swam should know what I'm talking about). With experienced soap bubblers we could easily make 100 square feet plus bubbles. I then moved on to more mature things once I got into college. I don't want to get too into detail but one of the things we would do is soap each other up and practice sliding across the floor for distance. I would usually skip weights to get an extra hour of practice.

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Tip: 1

Got My Loofah, Shower Time!

If you are a closet homosexual and do not want to rouse any suspicion do not use a loofah. Only chicks (see below), foreigners (not pictured), homosexuals (see right), or any combination of the three (use your imagination) use loofahs. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I love gay people, in a strictly heterosexual way that is. This is just a tip if you would like to keep it a secret because of our prejudice society. But don't worry I am in the process of writing a blog that will help change the perception of homosexuals in this country.

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Tip: 2 (If you are not over the age of 18 or under the age of 55 skip to tip 3)

Everyone knows that guys flog the dolphin in the shower. Even though this is true, this is something no one wants to hear about and more importantly no one wants to encounter any residual evidence. So make sure when you're exorcising the bishop you aim down. Shooting against the tiling with the intention of washing is not a good plan. You might do a bad job of cleaning it off the walls and there's a good chance it gets lost like in Something About Mary (if this happens make sure to check to the loofah).

Couldn't get the roommate to take this picture in the shower

There are several effective techniques that can assure there are no residuals discovered by some lucky person. My favorite technique is: right before I finish I get into the Downward Facing Dog position (for those of you who don't do yoga see picture left). Although this is universally agreed as the most effective technique there are plenty of others that will suffice (message me if you would like other choices) .

As for women; the exact opposite is true. You can make noise, talk about it, and rub it all over the walls if you like.

Tip 3:

Check out those beautiful flowing locks of hair
I was going to cut Ray out of this picture
but he is such a good looking man

Use less hair products. You're hair does not need to be cleaned every day. I rarely wash my hair nor have I used any gel/spray since prom in '82. I have the longest, thickest, most beautifulist hair. People would kill for my volume. Back in the day no one used hair products and all the guys had long vibrant hair. Look at the pictures of our founding fathers flowing locks (well Benjamin Franklin was balding up front but he was also struck by lightning several times). And how many bald cowboys do you know? I rest my case. Nowadays a lot of people start losing their hair in their 20's. So do what I do, shampoo your hair twice a week and throw out all those metro products.

Hmmm Loofa or Bar?

Tip 4:

Once you have decided that you are in the mood for an hour long shower in the locker room it is important to have company to play shower games with. Hence forth it is imperative to make sure your fellow showerees stay the whole time. So when you see someone getting ready to turn off the shower, turn to the soap dispenser and get a handful of liquid soap, after they turn off their shower and begin to exit, throw the soap and hit them right in the back. They will laugh, get back in the shower to rinse off and then when they exit do it again. Everyone loves a guy/gal with a sense of humor.

Well I hope you found this helpful. Feel free to share this blog and the tips you have learned with your friends (posting this on your facebook or twitter would be wonderful). As always I appreciate your comments and questions. Don't forget to join before you leave!

Bar Soap of course!

Just thought you'd wanna see this chick again

Bonus Tip:

Here's a problem that 28% of Americans suffer from. After getting clean in the shower, you exit, dry off, get dressed and inevitably start sweating again because you're still hot from the shower; if you're one of those people that wears pants and/or long sleeve shirts I really feel for you. Here's the solution to this problem. About one minute before you get out of the shower turn the cold water up. It doesn't need to be frore but should be a little algid. Now stand up from the downward facing dog, relax and soak in the cool refreshing water. This time after you dry off and get dressed you won't be sweating and will be feeling as cool and confident as someone in a Supercuts commercial . You're Welcome!

Dear Coltin,I fully endorse the usage of this product. Horse hair is thick, strong and they never go bald. For those of us that live on a ranch we can save water by showering with your horse and using the same product. Some critics have claimed to drop up to a half second off their 100 meter time, yet to be verified. Negatives include: it has been said that users are more like to be asked "why the long face?" and one user was injured during a race and had to be put down, also not verified. Bayani