Search This Blog

Jealousy - Deep Stuff Here

I'm feeling a little jealous today. The reason? My mother (aka Granna, aka Nanners) is in Kansas visiting her grandbaby - our beloved Henry. I'm jealous that she's there and I'm not. I'm also jealous of Laura - who gets Mom's helping hand (and homecooking) for a few days. If you recall, the last time Mom went to Kansas to see Henry, I got the dubious honor of finding Dad a cardiac rehab facility. Meanwhile, Tom and Laura were eating homemade lasagna.

In fairness, Matt and I will spend this weekend with Dad (who is now healthy), and we're going to the mountains, so it's not all bad. Also, my mother has offered to come to Nashville one weekend this fall and help us with a few things around the house. I'm hoping that includes lasagna - or whatever.

But it has taken me years to battle my green-eyed monster, and I don't always win.

I remember when I was 11 years old, my paternal Grandmother, who we called Baba, informed me that she was taking my sister to Denmark - two of my cousins were having a double wedding there. She asked me if I was jealous, and I told her I was. She basically shot daggers back at me and asked me why.

I was thoroughly rattled, and hey - I was eleven, so rather than articulate, "because it's unfair and it sucks". I basically did a 180, told her it was fine, and secretly thought to myself that Laura was getting to go to the wedding because she was pretty, I wasn't, and nobody wants to haul an ugly kid to a European wedding. So I turned my jealousy into self-loathing. The truth of the matter is that Laura was willing to take care of Baba, and I wasn't. And she wouldn't take us both, because she knew we'd team up against her. Smart lady.

Fast forward 19 years. My parents decided to buy my sister a nice piece of jewelry for Christmas. She truly, truly deserved it - and it was a nice gesture that I knew she would appreciate. Dad asked Mom if she was jealous, and she said no. I mentioned that I was a little jealous. Dad's reaction was just like Baba's - although, this time, he had a point - my parents were planning a beautiful wedding for me, they had been beyond generous, but sibling rivalry and psychological scars run deep. This time, I was older, less easily intimidated, and I explained to Dad that while I knew it wasn't rational, it was how I felt.

What I tell you now, I tell you with dread and regret.

On Christmas morning, Laura and I both got jewelry. To this day, whenever I wear that necklace, I feel vaguely guilty and bratty. It's not that I wanted my own piece of jewelry necessarily, I was just expressing a gut emotion at the time I was feeling it. Maybe I should stop feeling guilty, and start feeling grateful that I have such kind, generous parents.

But the fact of the matter is that no matter how grown up I think I am, sometimes I'm still that awkward kid who doesn't feel like she deserves to go to Denmark.

My advice - if you are having a feeling that makes you feel uncomfortable, you should probably stuff it down for years and years. Eventually, it will manifest in a totally inappropriate way, and you'll be wearing a gorgeous opal and tanzanite pendant.