Tagged: miserable

The best years of our lives? I have personally never been more confused, tangled, befouled, dishevelled, lost, and straight up depressed in my entire life. Every day it’s a battle with well, life. What is my calling in life? Will I be married? Have kids? When? Is this where I will be living my entire life? Should I go back to school? Is he the person I am going to end up with? How do I know who my real friends are? Am I drinking to much? Is it me, or the city I live in? Am I making the right choices? The list goes on and on. How do we know what the right thing to do is? Are we still too young? I know life is about creating our own destiny, but sometimes I wonder what my true talents, and passions are? Am I really even good at anything? Am I even really good at what I do? I am always burdened with the thought that someone is better, smarter, more beautiful and more talented. Why?

I want to be unique, someone who shines, someone who makes a difference, someone who is known for how brilliant she is. I here people tell me all the time, ” you are so great at what you do”, “you are going to do such great things in life”, “you are so talented”. Is it normal that I don’t see what any of these people see in me? Is it common that every-time someone hits me with a compliment like that I think to myself how full of sh*t they are? Or are these simply the symptoms of being in your twenties? What about friends? I have been through so many “friends” that I can’t even keep up anymore. All from different walks life. Some are artists, others are lost souls, others good people on the wrong path, others awful people on the right path, others so consumed with being “in” with this pretentious cities “it list” that they don’t even know who they are, let alone myself. Others simply looking for any possible way to use for well, anything. Whether it be cocktails on you at tonight’s happy hour, or a blind date setup with one of your prestigious boyfriends friends.

They say it’s all about “who you know” but quite frankly all of these “get your foot in the door hookups” I’ve ever encountered turn out being nothing but a waste of my precious time. All based on their demeanor and ethical values alone (at least in this city). Do we suck it up, swallow our pride and fake a “business relationship” just to get our foot in the door and keep a “high profile” ? Or do we stick to our beliefs and rely solely on our selves to make it “big” in this world? I’ve never been one who did well in meet & greets with the “cities high profile” crowd. They never had anything to offer me that I would be interested in taking them up on, nor did any of their conversations spark my attention. Well, maybe that’s because whenever they talk I block every word out after about 3 seconds into the conversation and just nod my head after everything they say, sharing no opinions, remarks on myself, what I do, or what I believe in. Or maybe it’s because my one idea and plan in life is so sacred and so fixed in my head that I already know that only I will be able to bring the vision I have created for it to life. I consider myself very independent, yet extremely private. I never share my true thoughts and beliefs with any except one or two people that I hold very dear to my heart. I never ask for help, and am stubborn enough to never accept help. I am completely and utterly fixated on the idea of being “self made”. Is this where my problem is? I focus on creating a strong and good name for myself (despite my rebellious teenage past) . I strive to put all my energy into something that I believe in, something that holds my heart, and I stick to what I know. Why do these miserable twenties always find ways to set me off and confuse me? (even if it’s temporary).

People don’t want to put trust in a person that questions their destiny. There is something that makes us, as humans uncomfortable about putting our fate, problems, and trust in someone that doesn’t have a strong fate and trust themselves. Have you ever thought to yourself that maybe all these super confident, strong, and successful men and women who seem to be roaring beyond belief and booming in every way possible are really the ones that suffer the most? The most unsure and the least put together? Most likely, you thought right, they are. There egos are to high to admit to their weaknesses, their image is to strong to be fractured, and their “name” is too high up on a pedestal to be tampered with. Is there a way to be successful, trusted, and reliable all while being honest? All while sharing your weaknesses, your truth, your struggles, and your battles? Or will your honesty crush your reputation, the business you are running, and your image of being “strong & successful”? Can we break the mold that makes all humans attracted to only those who show no weaknesses and only perfections?