We already have two corners who can get burned for 60 on a short pass (go back and watch Iowa-Indiana 2006 if you don't believe it). What we don't have - and what we haven't had since Tom Knight - is a corner capable of intercepting everything within a 15-foot parameter. Get the man an entourage, and we may get brilliance like this:

2. Which player from another Big Ten team are you most looking forward to watching?

Leman might not be the best linebacker in the conference (I'm genuinely scared of James Laurinaitis, and not only for his dad's role in the WWF's Legion of Doom), but he's certainly the most photogenic.

3. If your team was an action movie star, who would it be?

Harrison Ford. No matter what role you give us, or who you put in the cast, you know what you're getting. Regardless of whether the script calls for it, Harrison Ford will get himself into a situation which will put his family in danger. He inevitably snaps and kicks someone's ass and punches/headbutts a couple of bigger guys in the teeth, all in his ongoing quest to find his wife/son/freedom. It always ends up looking a little like this:

Like Ford, Iowa will inevitably run a never-ending string of draw plays, off-tackles, and wide receiver screens on offense and a base 4-3 cover 2, regardless of whether the game plan calls for it. And, inevitably, it works well enough to knock out a couple of teams they shouldn't beat. If you like it, great. If not, we don't give a damn, just as long as you GIVE ME BACK MY SON!

Doesn't matter. You can never have too much "GET OFF MY PLANE!". Come on, it's the President of the United States yelling a snappy one-liner at a terriorist as he hangs him out of the back of Air Force One. It doesn't get any better than that. If Harrison Ford ever runs for President I'm totally voting for him, just because of that movie.

You got your plains of Abraham, Montcalm and Wolfe. (Wolfe: dead but victorious.) You got your planar geometry. (A few weeks of plane pain.) You got your Planes of Fame (and within walking distance of Soldier Field, before Daly illegally tore up Meigs Field, the fucker.) But can Iowa return to a higher plane? Or will defenses be audibilizing as fast as Jake, since they have memorized all seven plays in the Iowa playbook? Will opponent defenses be so bored ("Hey, Hawks, you ran those seven plays for the past 8 years," plaintive yawps and barks spitting from opposing linebackers. "Plainly, we need something new.") by Iowa's O ("duhhhhh, that running back will start left and cut back off the right tackles butt, which was boldly new in 1999, so stay the fuck home, or you walk back to school you don't get on the plane. Repeat cycle 27 times per game.")

Well, with aircraft, there's only one Pilot in Command. Let's hope the Captain's needles are centered and someone, like your parameter/perimeter boy, gets his PICks. The only improvisation in space we're going to see this year will be on an interception return.

Too bad about the Huskies, they seem like nice guys. We'll win in a boring game. Maybe we could have a guest OC sometime this year and haul a committee of Snyder and Fry off the golf course. DJK = Kevin Harmon and JC on a couple naked bootlegs, just for grins.

"Those Iraqis are lucky I had an army, because if I didn't, I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally beat the tar out of each and every individual who came within my parameter! And I'll tell you one more thing: I WANT HOLYFIELD! I WANT HOLYFIELD! I showed you what these guns can do in the middle east, now I'm gonna show you what they can do in the ring! This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal: Holyfield-Schwartzkoff! It's the War by the Shore!