Tag Archives: Laughter

Let me start by saying that I did not vote!!!! Now I know everybody is going to make a big deal about that fact because, “every vote counts” or “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain about who’s in office”. I don’t vote because I know absolutely nothing about politics except for what people at work argue about, and none of them make sense. I know what you’re saying….”you have to pay attention, you have to learn so you can contribute!” First of all, I just got married, I have a 5-year-old stepdaughter and a 1-year-old, I work 60 hours a week, got to the gym 4 times a week to keep my self in incredible shape, and it’s football season…..even daylight savings time wouldn’t allow me to watch CNN or MSNBC long enough to know what I’d be voting for. It would be along the lines of me betting on hockey! And those damn commercials are enough to turn anyone off the topic, we are basically voting on who won’t screw things up worse……hmmm, should I drink the bleach, lighter fluid, or cyanide today? Pick your poison people. Honestly though, the thing that pisses me off the most are the people who flaunt their stickers around letting everyone know “I voted”…well congratulations your arrogant prick. Wearing a sticker letting people know you gave blood is one thing, at least your just saved a few lives….but voting, c’mon. I woke up at 4 am, had a cup of coffee, and bench pressed 175 lbs….you see me wearing a goddamn sticker…no, cause no one gives a shit. I don’t need you shoving your political views down my throat in the form of a piece a paper with adhesive on it. And you know you don’t care either, you just vote to vote. It’s like American Idol….200,000,000 people vote for the winner, and 9 people buy their album when it comes out! Maybe we should get Ryan Seacrest to host the final debate and leave us hanging through 5 commercial breaks before letting us know who won Governor of Idaho…….I’d watch that!

Let me begin by saying I have nothing against the handicap. Whether it is a limp, mental limitations, or total paralysis, I never make fun of or offend. I do however have one minor gripe when it comes to this group of people who want to be treated equal. “Equal” is apparently a word that has broadened over the years. No one who is “equal” would ever want their own set of specific laws, or rules, I believe these are put in place by people who are not handicap but assume they are helping the otherwise unjust. I am kind of steering away from my point here, so let me paint a picture of why I am writing this post. I pull up to a convienence store just wanting a gatorade and I find 2 spots left, both which are handicap. Now I would never park in a handicap spot under normal circumstances, but what do I see, a car with a handicap plate parked in a normal spot. Dillema! Why park there when there are 2 spots that were specifically built for your vehicle? So I took the liberty of parking in the handicap spot figuring the spots would cancel each other out. Now am I a bad guy? C’mon, be honest. I just don’t think that its right that its ok for someone to be able to park in all 20 spots, yet a select few can only park in 15 of them. It’s along the same lines are girls being able to play on baseball teams with the boys, yet if a boy wanted to play a little slow pitch softball, he’s looked down upon. I just think that there should be somewhat stricter guidelines, or none at all. Once again, let me reiterate, I have nothing against the handicap. I’ve worked with them and enjoyed every minute of it. And believe me, if I could have written this post in brail, I most certainly would have……..

So has everyone heard about the lady from Lowell who tried making the counterfeit deposit at the bank? At first you would say “A” for effort, but let me finish. Now, normally if one was to attempt such a feat, they might not want to seem suspicious or draw attention to them selves. This could be done by making a small deposit as to not raise questions. Nope, she decides she’s going to attempt to make a $10,000 deposit. Not only does she try this, she tries it by depositing a $10,000 bill!!! Seriously……how dumb do you have to be? At least do research, the $10,000 bill hasn’t been issued since 1934! That bill had to look more fake than the $50 bill Data found in the Fratelli’s restaurant! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPcpXFERiR4 This got me thinking about the common sense level of the normal individual…..and it’s not very high at all. Now don’t get me wrong…if you have a lack of education, have difficulty with math, or can’t read at the age of 4o, that’s fine with me. However, if you completely lack common sense, that’s when I begin to get irritated. I say we come up with a plan…..we have scientists, psychologists, doctors, etc. come up with a test. We can call it the CSAT…or Common Sense Aptitude Test. We determine what an average score should be, then anyone who falls below this average will be made the way of the chinese daughter. Now I know some of you are saying that it’s inhumane or just plan old mean, but lets think…..it wouldn’t be inhumane because we wouldn’t even have to weigh them down when we throw them in the ocean. They would end up drowning themselves because they wouldn’t have the common sense to tread water in order to stay afloat……

I once has aspirations to be a doctor. Who wouldn’t want to save lives, help sick children, and give the occasional mammogram. However, the 13 years of schooling and residency deterred me from this career choice. Then to my surprise, came Web MD. “What, Spiderman is a doctor?!”…..NO, our friendly neighborhood spiderman is still just a photographer, I’m talking about a wonderful and magical website the one can self diagnose his or her symptoms and pin point the exact disease that they have. What better way to fuel a hypochondriac’s passion for illness than to be able to simply type whats ailing them and have a computer spit out a list of diseases and infections that coincide with the problems they are having. I’m not sure how Dr. Gregory House will ever survive now that the world no longer needs his sarcastic questions and outrageous diagnosis. The only problem is, have you ever actually attempted to use Web MD? Go ahead, open a new tab and I’ll wait for you to check it out…………………I bet they told you that you have cancer huh? Yup, it’s always cancer. Got a headache, tumor…..stomachache, colon cancer……broken leg, bone cancer….the list goes on and on. I say we stick with the real doctors and leave the internet for social networking and the occasional porn site. If not, we will have thousands of people running around with Waardenburg’s Syndrome, Tangier Disease, and Osteochondritis. Even without Web MD though, I do know one thing is for sure……it’s never Lupus!

It all began on a cold December night in 2003. The New York Jets were playing the New England Patriots, the air was cold, the hits were punishing, and for Joe Namath, the holiday celebration was beginning early. Who can forget those words that left Broadway Joes’ lips. No, not “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it.”….I’m talking about “I want to kiss you.” That phrase spoken to sideline reporter Suzy Kolber marked the first of 3 encounters by former and current Jets players with female reporters. Let’s fast forward 7 years when an innocent, yet sexy former Miss Spain Ines Sainz, entered the Jets locker room. Full of large naked black men, and Mark Sanchez, things were said, penises looked at, and a new controversy was started. Now just last week we find footballs Iron Man himself, Brett Favre, involved in his own allegations with a Jets reporter. These allegations include lude voice messages, text messages, and the ever popular penis picture. First of all Brett, we all know that Bill Clinton is the only man who can show his penis to an employee of the organization he works for and get away with it. Secondly, when will people learn that if you send nude photos to someone, they will end up on the internet. The only way a woman should see your penis is if you show her in the privacy of your own home, or pull it out in the corner of a well-lit bar….that’s it! But why the Jets?…why reporters? It’s like some weird kind of Bermuda Triangle, only no one goes missing, just more penises get seen. Whatever the cause of these actions may be, one thing for sure is Brett Favre is no Santonio Holmes!

Ok, so this one is for all you facebookers out there. There are two things that aggravate me when I’m looking through status updates. The first one is when someone puts up a status and someone “likes” the status. Normally this is fine, for example “Going to the Justin Bieber concert”….Chris Daniels “likes” this. However such posts such as “I’m tired”, or “Got the flu”, does not deserve a “like”! Hey I like the fact that your tired, can’t wait till you fall asleep so I can break in and steal all your shit. Boy so glad you have the flu, I was vomiting all over the place a few days ago. Seriously guys, lets not get trigger happy here. My second gripe is when someone puts up a status, and then “likes” it themselves. Well no shit you like it, why the hell would you write it in the first place???? So let’s be a little more aware of stuff you do and a little less aggressive with that left click on the mouse.

This could definitely piss off a few people, good thing nobody reads my blog! I have somewhat of a gripe against all of these organizations that live there lives protecting all of gods little creatures. Let me begin by saying I love animals, not just eating them, I also find them absolutely fascinating….just not all of them. I believe that these groups of protesters should maybe limit their obsession to a select few. Domesticated animals, endangered, even maybe some of the cute ones….but there are just some creatures that should be left alone. I totally tanked a raccoon this morning on the way to work, had to be at least 20-30 pounds. Ran right out in front of my car while I was doing 50 mph down a main road. Stopping short or swerving would not have saved this creatures life. Now I am not absolutely sure this creature died in the crash…I have yet to hear from his insurance company….but he had to at least have some sort of limp. This occurence got me thinking….some animals (and humans) are just too dumb to be taken care of. Any animal (or human) that would decide to dash in front of a moving vehicle is either too reckless or suicidal for any group of people to give a shit about. Don’t worry though, had it been a bunny I would have totally been distraught for the rest of the day, those son of a bitches are cute!