Monty Python Scripts

'It's Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart' / Famous Deaths

The cast:

The sketch:

(Opening Scene: Mozart sitting at piano tinkling with the
keys. He finishes tinkling.)

MOZART: Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we
continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the
wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away,
Genghis.

(Cut to Genghis Khan's tent. Genghis strides about
purposefully. Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts
out and Genghis Khan with a squawk throws himself in the air and
lands on his back. This happens very suddenly. Judges hold up cards
with points on, in the manner of ice skating judges.)

VOICE OVER: 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.

(Mozart still at piano.)

MOZART: Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show.
And now here are the scores.

(Scoreboard with Eddie Waring figure standing by it. The
scoreboard looks a little like this:)

St. Stephen

29.9

Richard III

29.3

Jean D'Arc

29.1

Marat

29.0

A. Lincoln (U.S. of A.)

28.2

G. Khan

28.1

King Edward VII

3.1

EDDIE: Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen
in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the
Third at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely
Jean d'Arc, then Marat in his bath - best of friends with Charlone
in the showers afterwards - then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A, a
grand little chap that, and number six Genghis Khan, and the back
marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.

(Mozart still at piano.)

MOZART: Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's
request death. (taking card off piano) For Mr. and Mrs.
Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull, the death of Mr. Bruce
Foster of Guildford.

(Cut to a lounge setting with Mr. Foster sitting in chair.)

BRUCE FOSTER: Strewth!

(He dies.)

(Mozart still there. He looks at watch.)

MOZART: Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching
the end of yet another program and so it is finale time. We are
proud to be bringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers.
Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson.

(Cut to a modern office block, as high as possible. After a
pause a body flies out of the top window looking as much like Nelson
as possible. As it plummets there is a strangled scream.