RIGHT! So, the first week of summer classes went really well. I’m basically taking four courses, but I have only 2 instructors. One guy teaches three of them, and his name (get this) is John Gabriel.Yeah. Coincidence? Maybe. I know the Penny Arcade guys used to be based in the Bel-Red area, and this instructor is the head of what amounts to a “video game industry” curriculum at the college. So there is a thread of connection.

The first day of 3D Modeling class, he pretty much tells his life story from graduation to present, but pauses midway through and rings the “useless story” bell that sits on his desk. It’s a little “Serve the tea” bell like what you’d expect to find on your great-grandmother’s nightstand. That bell has been rung every day since.

Don’t get me wrong, the stories are always a good listen and usually involve some piece of trivia from the inner sanctum of the game industry, so they’re worth their time. What else makes this class so awesome is what John calls “team-building exercises.” After lecture, after fiddling with Maya, and just when folks are starting to look at the clock and hope for an early release, he says, “Stay put. It’s time for some Call of Duty.”

Then we play LAN team deathmatch.

It makes sense. When you’re in a class to learn about creating video games, it’s important to experience the product you hope one day to make. Also, nothing builds camaraderie like assaulting the enemy stronghold. Many laughs ensue.

Alas, the downside is that I don’t have much free time left. Between classes and the top secret freelance project, my time is totally consumed and the result is that comics come in last. I’ll try to update as often as I can, but until then, blogging is about as good as I’ll get.

Hello all faithful readers. This week I’m doing something a little different and giving everyone the heads up on a movie that’s coming out this weekend. That’s right, not a cheapo 3rd run crapfest, but an expensive, shiny 1st run blockbuster (plus it has blasphemy in the title). First, the setup: In the mid-nineties, visionary artist Mike Mignola created Hellboy, a demon summoned by Nazis and raised by American soldiers.

The comic was such a hit that director Guillermo Del Toro developed it into a big budget film. The original movie impressed more than depressed critics (79%) and the sequel is on track for the same reviewer love (87% thus far). For those of you who are skeptical (or skeptible) of a superhero movie that wasn’t around when you were a kid, here’s the sales pitch.“Fun from start to finish, Hellboy tries to bridge the gap between fanboys and their parents. And it succeeds — in part thanks to Barry Manilow.” David Foucher EDGE Boston

Horary for the man who brought Mandy to the world. Did you know that he wrote the songs that made the whole world sing? Oh, and Copacabana.

“Hellboy is it’s own world. That is a compliment and also the problem. Director Guillermo del Toro has envisioned a fantastic looking world, but it’s just a vision.” Jeff Bayer The Scorecard Review

Hold up, you’re holding this movie to an unfair standard. The criticism is that it didn’t create a new world? First, all movies are ‘just visions.’ And second, if he had created a new world, where would we put it?

Don’t try to resist the cuteness. Give in! Give in!“Hellboy is without a doubt the most compelling and interesting superhero character ever on screen.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

At least until The Dark Knight comes out. Three cheers in the meantime.“…in a summer of billionaires with robot suits and nerdy scientists with rage issues, somehow the red-skinned demon who drinks beer in the shower is the big screen superhero I can relate to the most.” Luke Y. Thompson L.A. Weekly

That’s an amusing (if somewhat disturbing) insight into the life of a movie critic. If I’d had a beer in the shower this morning, I’d probably be grumpy by lunchtime. Like this guy.

“Simply a bull in a china shop, smashing around aimlessly, desperately hoping we’ll at least be impressed with the horns.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Maybe it’s just me, but I’d be plenty impressed with a hornless bull prancing around a Crate and Barrel. And entertained. And pooping myself. Let’s move towards a conclusion.

“A feast for the senses: Del Toro’s wild imagination is boundless and Hellboy II unfolds as a spectacle of lights, sounds, images and effects, some of which highly original and diabolically amusing.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

A diabolically imaginative feast of amusing originality and boundless spectaclality (complete with sounds, lights, and images). Are you sold yet?

First, let’s get the nay saying out of the way by addressing the most common questions/concerns. Yes, this Hulk is a remake, but it’s almost a sequel to Ang Lee’s 2003 Hulk movie (This new one begins where the last one left off). No, that probably wasn’t intentional (because the studio would rather you forget about the other version). Yes, the Hulk is still a big CGI beast that looks like a posable plastic toy to some people. Yes, general audience consensus was that the 2003 Hulk movie was a stinker (although critics didn’t think so: 61% positive). Yes, this Hulk was better reviewed (68% positive), but the old Hulk made more money ($132 mil versus $124 mil [to date]). No, I’m not going to begin every sentence with a Yes or No. So, if the 2003 Hulk got a 61% and the new Hulk got a 68%, is the reboot only 7% better?

“Why remake a crappy movie five years later if it’s only going to bemarginally less crappy?” Dana Stevens Slate

Probably because people like us will pay to see it (at least for a dollar). But you just repeated my question back to me. Are we getting an improvement or the same movie with a new coat of green paint?

Whoa. Check out Lou. Has he gotten bigger?

“If The Incredible Hulk, a plastic, steroidally pumped reattempt, is what the fanboys really wanted, then they don’t deserve directors like Ang Lee.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

Fine, then you don’t deserve a pronounceable last name. Enough comparison! For the people who choose to forget the old and focus on the new, what are we getting?“If it’s not the best Superhero film since ”Batman Begins”, it’s still an early contender for one of the Best Films of the Year. This Hulk is Incredible!” Clint Morris Moviehole

That’s more like it. But points off for using the word “incredible” in your review. It’s a hack move and some critic always has to do it. I can already hear critics calling the Dark Knight ‘dark’ and Hellboy ‘boyish’ or ‘hellish’. Let’s hear from the critics who regressed to Hulk-speak.

“Me no like new Hulk much.” Danny Minton Beaumont Journal

“Hulk. Smash. But not Smash Movie.” Sean McBride Sean the Movie Guy

Thanks children. Anyone else ready to get punny?

“Now, this is how you go green.” Christopher Smith Bangor Daily News (Maine)

Nice one. Before we finish, we need at least one person to comment on the CGI (since graphics replace actors down the home stretch). “The Hulk looks like a dark, shiny, muscular pickle.” Sean O’Connell Filmcritic.com

I assume that’s a bad thing because I hate pickles, but if you’d said cucumber I’d be just as confused. Let’s end with some context. This summer has been all about the superheroes (Batman, Hellboy, Iron Man), how does the Hulk fit in?

Despite the lack of number love (36% positive), the nutty and uneven experimentation of the Wachowski’s proved a serious descriptive challenge for critics. In trying to explain the movie to audiences, reviewers compare SR to everything from kaleidoscopic vomit to being trapped in a gumball machine on acid. The core question here is: can a movie that’s all style, no substance, be goodish? As the jingle says, Go, Speed Racer. Go.

“No, Speed Racer. No.” Christopher Smith Bangor Daily News (Maine)

Touche…jerk.

“At times the film feels like Hot Wheels on either steroids or LSD – or both.” Bob Bloom Journal and Courier (Lafayette, IN)

Despite being negative, both of those reviews sound they could be a good time (Hot Wheels and Skittles Soup sounds like a 7th grader’s perfect day dream).

“As entertaining as a sugar-addled 5-year-old, Speed Racer left me feeling like I’d been in a hit and run with a box of Crayolas.” Kevin Williamson Jam! Movies

He must have been thinking of his 5-year-old in this example because someone else’s sugar-crazed kids running people over with Crayolas sounds pretty funny. Despite the amusing comparisons we still don’t have a clear sense of what this movie does to an audience.

“Speed Racer may very well give your brain diabetes, and I state that as compliment.” Rob Humanick Projection Booth

I find this comment disturbing for several reasons. One, I don’t think brain diabetes is any flavor of good. Two, I think the author is a robot. Instead of telling us who he writes for, he tells us where he is. Plus, his name could be considered a sinister plan to take over the world. Robbing humans? What exactly does he want to steal from us (other than our ability to control insulin production)? But I’m getting off track, let’s have some hyperbole.

“The fastest, most furious movie of all time.” Fred Topel Can Magazine

Of all time? Ah, Fred ‘not Ted Copel’ Topel. I’ve got to stop quoting you. You’re creating a place for yourself as an erratic mood pendulum critic and I’m feeling remiss in encouraging you. Let’s wrap this up. Since this movie threw critics for a loop, we end with a thumbs askew review.

“”Speed Racer” is a stylish, electrifying, intense and visually breathtaking catastrophe of a movie…” David Keyes Cinemaphile.org