How can we best help my daughter in an abusive marriage

My daughter just separated from her husband because of his emotional and verbal abuse. They have had problems in the past, but sought christian counseling. It looked like they were going to make it. Eight months without any bad problems. Then about three months ago, he started slowly being irritable, then it escalated to a horrible verbal and emotional abuse situation. She had to leave because she knew it would escalate to another physical abuse situation. I am questioning where God is. We have found out details of the abuse and my husband and I are brokenhearted. How could this man be so cruel. I have read that so many abusers were abused themselves. But then again, not everyone responds that way. How could someone be that cruel. And he is supposed to be a christian. It doesn't make any sense. Where is the church in all this. Verbal and emotional abuse is rampant. Why don't we hear more about it. Why don't they talk about it in pre-marital counseling. I don't even feel the christian counselor handled their situation properly because she didn't get to the root causes of my son-in-laws anger. How can we best help my daughter deal with this. Should we be hearing all the details of the abuse......the incidents keep playing over and over in my mind......and now I am starting to blame my husband and I. We used to argue some. Not in an abusive way. But alot of anger. I am just so brokenhearted. But my daughter has been thru so much. How does she begin to heal?

I would suggest looking through the yellow pages to find either a marriage or a family counselor/therapist. While most may or may not tell you of their religious affiliation or denomination, you can certainly ask if the therapist is a Christian. Of course, it could be free if you or one of your family members is a veteran and already getting help at a Vet Center.

Trained mental health professionals, not pastors, deacons, priests or other clergy (Christian or other) are about the only ones who could root out your son-in-law's deep seated anger issues. However, it would be up to him if he thinks he needs help. Forcing or coercing him to attend secular therapy might make matters worse.

Of course, you mentioned that your daughter and her husband sought out Christian counseling, so forgive me if my initial comments have already been addressed and failed.

Asking where God is in this unfolding tragedy is a question a newbie Christian like me is rather unqualified to answer. However, it would be premature and possibly unwise to blame Him or the church for your son-in-law's behavior or your daughter's broken heart.

There is a great amount of truthful and heartfelt anguish in your difficult situation. Yet, it's difficult to distinguish whether you're more upset with your daughter's marital situation or her husband or the Christian counselor or the church.

Blaming yourself or another for the tragedy won't produce a positive outcome for any one.

I also apologize if my response wasn't what you wanted or needed. God provides all that and more. His Word, prayers, self-reflection can and will provide most, if not all, answers that you seek.

If it won't offend you, I'll pray for you and yours in the Holy Spirit through Christ

Maycin,
I think it's great that you are getting involved and want to help and support her. Believe me, sometimes all we needed was to know somebody cared. Keep up the good work, and will be praying for you and your family!

In the past year, I left an abusive marriage of almost 20 years. I don't have much time to post right now - plan to come back- but please take a look at these two links. I don't know if you are famliar with the Cycle of Violence (and violence does not always equal PHYSICAL violence) or the Power/Control Wheel. These are very insightful and helped open my eyes to what was really going on in my home. I have 4 children ranging in ages of 11-18. It is hard to leave and harder to stay away. It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of supports (community, therapeutic, church, friends, doctors, even the schools) to keep on this path, and often the church is the last to step up to the plate, if they ever do.

About feeling guilty for you and your husband arguing. Abuse can be done with absolutely NO show of anger! My husband did not yell, scream, rant or rave. Abuse is about control and manipulating the people around you to do and be as you want them to be and doing that without regard to the cost of those around you.

Thank you for being so concerned and supportive of your daughter! That is rare and I want you to realize that. You are not to blame for what happened, but you can continue to be there for her as the path get rockier, and it will.