Penn Satire, Since 1899

I Assure You, Sir, I’m Professional As Shit

Thank you for inviting me for a second round interview, Mr. Dobson. Now, before we get to your questions, I just want to clear the air here. Some of the analysts said you liked my résumé but you’re “having doubts about my professionalism.” Well let me assure you, sir, I’m professional as shit.

A lot of candidates will talk a big game about their professionalism. But I’m the only one who’s willing to put his balls where his mouth is. Did you hear how I knocked on your door before entering? Did you notice how I knocked confidently, but quietly enough that I wouldn’t disturb you? That’s some fan-fucking-tastic courtesy, amigo.

Look, Mr. Dobson, I’ve got business etiquette coming outta my ass. By the barrelful. Plenty of these motherfuckers roll up to the office in off-white short sleeve dress shirts and brown corduroys. But not me. I dress like I want to be CEO of this shithole. Full three-piece suits and wing-tips for daaaaays.

And I’m not dicking around when it comes to emails. My emails are concise but not curt, intelligent but never condescending, and always polite, even in the midst of conflict. I’m just saying there’s some bomb-ass emails coming from my Yahoo account.

Mr. Dobson, I bet you’re saying to yourself, “Sure, this kid can shine a shoe. But can he deal with women in the workplace?” You bet your ass I can. I’m balls deep in professional courtesy. I never dip my pen in company ink, even if that ink has a craaaazy badonk. And I know that in today’s day and age, you have to be really careful what you say to female coworkers. That’s why I would never say words like “bitch” or “cunt” in an office like this. I respect the fuck outta women.

So I think I’ve made it pretty clear that when it comes to in-office behavior and client interactions, I wouldn’t act like a total fuckface, sir. Now that we’ve established that, I think it’s time we talk about salary…wait, what’s that? This is an UNPAID internship?! You’ve gotta be shitting me. Well, nuts to this. I’ll see you in the funny papers.