Hunger Beast Mode

JeffMarch 11, 2016

On Friday morning, I sat in the library doing some writing. I’m trying to do it every week in the hope that if I just keep turning up something will happen. On this day, it worked and I got absorbed in what I was doing. By the time I looked up it was 1:00 and I was starving. My hunger had transformed into what gamers call ‘Beast Mode’ hunger. I walked out of the library and directly to a bakery to purchase a donut which I ate very quickly. Actually, I don’t remember eating it. I don’t even remember chewing. The only reason I knew I had eaten a donut was because when I got home I noticed I had chocolate sprinkles all over my face. This is what Hunger Beast Mode does to you. Things get medieval.

No one is immune – not even the normally graceful well mannered Ange. She entered Hunger Beast Mode herself just this tuesday afternoon and temporarily lost her mind. She’d worked through lunch and by the time she got home, things had gotten primal. I got home at about 5:30 and discovered her bingeing on chips… only she hadn’t put them into a bowl. She wasn’t even eating out of the packet. She’d just poured them out and was eating them directly off the kitchen bench.

It takes many different forms. I have a friend whose Hunger Beast Mode involves carving cheese directly from a block in the fridge and eating it – sans crackers!

Another friend reaches for the 2 minute noodles but is unable to wait the required 2 minutes to prep them and so eats half the packet raw while the water comes to a boil.

Someone needs to commission a study into why we become an adolescent children again when we’re intensely hungry. Where do our manners go? Why do chips and chocolate become two of the major food groups? Why do we suddenly lose the ability to operate a knife and fork when Hunger Beast Mode kicks in?

Fast Food companies seem to be acutely aware of how Hunger Beast Mode affects our critical faculties. How else does Pizza Hut continue to thrive? Nobody ever had a solid breakfast and a satisfying lunch and then got to 6:00 and thought ‘I wanna eat a pizza with a meat pie embedded in the crust’. No, only people who have forgotten to eat for several hours are impaired enough to eat that.

The idea is most easily expressed in this graph. With some amount of organisation and forethought, we are able to function as civilised human beings. But with each hour that passes without food, we regress several steps along the evolutionary chain.

About The Author

Jeff is a singer, comedian, writer and video producer.
In 2009, Jeff began hosting a new comedy show on Triple M called the Peanut Gallery. He also presented guest spots on Eddie McGuire’s Hot Breakfast and took over the hosting duties from Eddie over the summer break.
Jeff is the lead singer of Melbourne band Robot Child. Their debut album One More War launched in April 2014.
Jeff also produces funny online videos for companies such as QANTAS and Mother. His youtube page has had over 300,000 views.
As a writer, Jeff has had articles published in The Age Sport section, MX and on The Herald Sun website.