5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t See ’50 Shades of Grey’ With Your Spouse

The first official 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out today, making me think the film’s February 14, 2015, release date might make next year’s Valentine’s Day your spouse’s loneliest one yet — for two-and-a-half hours, at least.

Some couples may assume that Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain is the perfect answer to the day dedicated to red hearts, but I’m thinking it might be a flick you should see with friends after watching the clip for these five reasons:

1. From the looks if it, Jamie Dornan’s sculpted bod will need to be discussed thoroughly after the movie — so much, in fact, that your partner may not be the right person to discuss his abs in detail with.

2. If you and your spouse live in a cozy (read: tiny) apartment, seeing an entire room devoted to sex might make you more depressed than in the mood.

3. There could be some major real estate and date envy happening with Christian’s white marble bathroom, sweeping and sultry living room views, and helicopter and private plane jaunts.

4. I immediately got a chick-flick feel in the beginning, very reminiscent of The Devil Wears Prada, when a mousy and shy Anne Hathaway entered the starkly chic Elias-Clarke office building to get berated by Miranda Priestly. Except the end of Anastasia Steele’s meeting was much more fortuitous than Andy Sachs’s, n’est-ce pas?

5. Aside from the actual movie, it sounds like BEYONCE (!) recorded a slower, sexier version of “Crazy in Love” for it — and when you hear a new Beyonce song, sometimes you just need to be with fellow Queen Bey worshippers to soak it in, properly obsess and download from iTunes immediately.