You Beast! Christian Website Calls For Bill Murray Boycott

Receive the latest popcornbiz updates in your inbox

Editor's note: The Christwire.org site is a satire. Thanks to The Atlantic for alerting us.

Christian conservatives are fighting against a lot of things these days: Obama, a Democratic Congress, illegal immigration, gay marriage, gun control activists, environmental extremists, Islamic fundamentalists, people who enjoy dancing… the list goes on and on. You would think that would be enough to keep any major American voting bloc busy. But the folks at christwire.org are an ambitious lot, who can seriously multitask when it comes to fighting the culture wars. Which is why writer Stephenson Billings has called upon his fellow worshipers to decry and boycott the evil that is… Bill Murray? Really? Because I assure you the legendary actor is just as upset about “Garfield” as the rest of us are. Anyway, here are some of Billings’ reasons that Murray needs to be shunned.

What this man symbolizes is far more ruinous than California’s buffet dinner of liberal socialist philosophies, homosexual lifestyles and pre-teen consumerism. No, what Bill Murray means to America is the acceptance and celebration of an ultimate apathy. He is a weak man, a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation. Bill Murray is a fatal disease and the sad news we bring you today is that your children have been infected...

He never appears clean cut or sober, never moral or compassionate. He is a hollow man, a two-dimensional figure mirroring contemporary society’s addiction to half-hearted hedonism (i.e. those too drunk to rape). Despite this, his fame has steamrolled to the point where he is now one of the most beloved characters for the 15-35 male demographic, commanding an incalculable power over the futures of our children and consequently America (though, in true Bill Murray fashion, his fans are too lazy to have set up even one unique fansite for him).

To be fair to Murray, I have never actually seen Bill murder a lamb, be it on screen or in real life. If Billings is truly serious about Murray being the coming of the end times, he needn’t stage a boycott. Murray is already legendary for his aversion to working. He has no agent. He has no publicist. He has a 1-800 number that people can call to pitch him projects, and there will probably come a day when he never check that number again. He has dedicated himself to remaining fiercely outside the Hollywood machine, so I find it odd that a Christian rabble rouser online would single out MURRAY for ostracizing when there are so many better targets to choose from.

In fact, if you go through Murray’s filmography, you could easily turn around Billings’ argument and say he’s a conservative hero. He blows up a golf course in “Caddyshack” while trying to murder an animal. You think the folks at PETA appreciate that? He fought evil (Satan) in “Ghostbusters.” He abstained from sinning with Scarlett Johannson in “Lost in Translation,” and that is NOT easy to do. He was a self-made millionaire in “Rushmore” and refused to apologize for it. And “Groundhog Day” is a relentlessly spiritual movie about a man whose life cannot move forward until he finally decides to be kind and generous to everyone around him. That’s as Christian as it gets. His characters have constantly questioned mainstream thought and acted to subvert it. Does Glenn Beck not do the same thing on a daily basis?

Christians, I advise you to not boycott this man, but to embrace him. Bill Murray isn’t your enemy. Bill Murray is a saint and, dare I say, a conservative’s dream. Save your ire for Josh Hartnett.