My boyfriend and I had a falling out. I haven’t spoken to him in two weeks. It is his birthday tomorrow. I want to get back with him. What should I do? How do I word the message so that he calls me back?

“Hi Dick, it’s Sally. I’d love it if you’d call me back. I know you haven’t called me in two weeks after that huge fight we got into and I’m sure during that fortnight of sorrow and desperation you sat staring at the phone every night waiting for me to call and definitely not hanging out at Paddy O’Brien’s with your high school buddies doing Jaeger shots and playing your favorite game which is called Who Can Get A Complete Stranger To Go To Second Base In A Public Restroom (which by the way is such a fun story to tell when people ask how we met). Since it’s totally normal for a healthy, mature couple to argue and then not speak for two weeks, I’m just going to hang out here with my cell phone and not do anything or go anywhere until you call me back as long as you do it within like the next couple months or so. My self-esteem is kind of low and I’m certain the best kind of boyfriend I can get is one with whom there is constant drama and heartache, so I think we’re a perfect match. Miss you. Okay. Love you. Mean it. Bye!”