Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist

How The Narcissist Uses Sex To Take/Keep Control

The sexual attitudes of narcissists are most peculiar- they tend to be either hyperactive sexually or hypoactive sexually. Generally, there are two types of narcissists: the somatic narcissist (hyperactive sexually) and the cerebral narcissist (hypoactive sexually).

The somatic narcissist gains his ‘narcissistic supply’ from other people’s reactions to his body via sexual conquests, bodybuilding, athletic abilities, competence in outdoor activities, or sometimes simply preening. Cerebral narcissists, on the other hand, flaunt their intelligence and knowledge to obtain attention and admiration.

General Characteristics Sex And The Narcissist

Narcissists are generally exhibitionists and sex is just another tool in their toolbox for getting attention and adulation. Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital affairs or liaisons for a variety of reasons including control, power, attention, increasing self-image and because narcissists get bored easily.

Intimacy does not exist. Narcissists are unable to empathize or genuinely love another person. They are master manipulators and know how to fake intimacy; but when their partner no longer meets their “fix” for narcissistic supply, they will drop them and abandon them with no remorse. Partners frequently feel used, even before being abandoned. The narcissist does not fulfill other people’s needs.

Narcissists feel superior and more important than others; they feel entitled to be above the law and entitled to engage in behaviors that are considered socially undesirable or unacceptable. They reject and intensely resent all limitations or conditions placed upon them by their partners. They freely act on their impulses and desires and do not care about social conventions. They love being photographed and talked about. They also like showing that they can break moral and sexual taboos (example: women singers kissing each other on TV shows). , They have very shallow personalities and live for attention and admiration… many are serial lovers, have serial marriages or have countless empty affairs.

Marriage, monogamy, and child rearing are common activities sought after by the average person. However, the narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these common pursuits and feels forced into the roles of husband or father. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by engaging in extramarital affairs.

There are many narcissists who are charming and seductive, graced with a worldly manner, yet who cannot not keep his or her hands off other women or men. Men and women with narcissism seek sexual gratification as a way of getting attention and narcissistic supply – they may say they are addicted to sex, but it is the attention and control they crave.

Narcissists are control freaks. Seducing someone into having sex is a form of control. The more difficult the target is, the more power and control they feel.

Most adults can brush off the behaviors of a narcissist, but children are more vulnerable. A narcissist who commits sexual abuse on a child feels powerful because they feel they can control the victim while thumbing their nose at society and its laws.

Narcissists are absolutely misogynists. They hold women in contempt; they both loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them by sexually humiliating them or by withholding sex from them. They have ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act. Generally, it is a means to an end and the act itself is meaningless, and provides no emotional connections.

The Somatic Narcissist

The somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests; his sex partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply. It is through seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”. He uses sex to conquer and secure new sources of narcissistic supply. For the narcissist, sex is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. He rarely gets emotionally-involved with his “targets” as he will need to move on to get new sources of narcissistic supply. He then indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners.

He will explain that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them. He insists they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind, there is a clear distinction between the “woman of his life” (a saint) and the w****s that he is having sex with. With the exception of the meaningful women in his life (all saints), he tends to view all other females in a negative light.

The Cerebral Narcissist

There is another very different type of narcissist. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. He feels that acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive and common impulse. The cerebral narcissist tells himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control. The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers m**********n or emotionless sex (such as going to prostitutes).

Surprisingly, he also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes sexual partners and regards them simply as objects. However, the hyper-sexuality appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises. A painful divorce or financial turmoil, and the cerebral narcissist quickly concludes that the “old solutions” (intellectual) no longer work.

Sex is convenient and a fantastic source of narcissistic supply: it is immediate, partners are interchangeable, it is comprehensive (it includes all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), as well as being highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable. After a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be highly involved in sexual activities – excessively and almost to the exclusion of everything else.

As the memories of the crisis fades, he abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his partners. The frequency of his sexual activities declines from several times a day to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex. Sex becomes an obligation, a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken only to preserve his sources of supply (like family or household).

The cerebral narcissist then minimizes all types of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, and friends) whether it is sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the minimum of exchanges and isolates himself socially. Eventually, he really is left alone by everyone, with no secondary sources of supply.

He begins a quest to find new sources and he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, ending with the selection of a mate. Then the cycle starts all over again: a sharp decline in sexual activity, then emotional detachment leading to abandonment.

Sex, for both types of narcissists, is a tool used simply to increase the number of sources of narcissistic supply. If it is their most effective tool in their toolbox, they make excessive use of it. If the narcissists cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, or attention by any other means (e.g., intellectually) –they resort to sex.

Sexual Abuse by Narcissists

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner. Their partners own sexual preferences will be ignored, banned or twisted. Here are some common abusive behaviors:

They will prohibit their partners from m**********g under the threat of punishment.

If their partner does m********e, they will ask to watch and say it is only so they can ‘learn to please” their partner.

They will insist that their mate watch p**n although the mate doesn’t usually do that.

Sexual gratification is only to reassure the narcissists that they are good lovers.

The narcissist pretends that sex is for the partner but is after her/his gratification only.

Their partner’s sexual past will be torn apart or thrown in their face during, or after, the relationship.

The narcissist revels in telling their partner all about their sexual past and that he or she will never measure up to their other lovers.

The narcissist may freeze their partner out of sex altogether while calling them a nymphomaniac.

The narcissist instigates sex (like telling erotic things and sending pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides at the last minute that nothing is to take place or they have changed their minds.

The partner feels humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated.

The narcissist does not care if their mate gets hurt physically and/or emotionally and may even enjoy it when their mate gets hurt.

The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game.

The narcissist says their partners are having sexual relations with others, although it is the narcissist that has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful.

The narcissist makes fun of their partner’s sexuality or body in front of others.

The narcissist has to try out everything possible (positions, toys, etc).

The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and/or dress inappropriately (tight clothes without a bra or jock strap) and says it was an accident

The narcissist will send pictures of their p***s or breasts wanting to know how they rate. They will insist their partner send pictures for them to rate.

145 Responses to “Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist”

I am having the worst time with my 15 year relationship/marriage. I believe we are headed for divorce but his manipulation is making it very hard to figure things. Out. Any help would be appreciated. I live in Northern Nevada.

I was married to one for 13 years, plus 4 years dating before that…….I had to get kicked out of the relationship before I started reading all about this phenomenon. How surprised I was to discover that all the reasons I had to feel bad about myself were untrue. The more time had elapsed, the more relieved I was to be out of that hell-hole. No more power struggles, no more him demanding the impossible and me trying to talk sense to a brick wall, then hiding it from friends and family. Eventually, I fell REALLY ill. It was all good when I was catering to him, but when I was convalesing and needed help with food, bathing, etc. He did the minimum, but resented it so deeply, that as soon as I got well enough, -boom- I’m out! Joke’s on him: I am functioning physically emotionally and maritally, with NO contact, and I am grateful! It was a blessing in disguise!

I am truly happy for you & hope ur story will giv strength thru ur courage! I am fortunate in that I was rendered homeless at a young age abruptly wen my mom sold our home & got 1 berm apartment far away ! Instead of me needing her, I (thinking this is life!), met college student with same circle of friends in need of roommate & s he helped me apply to college , pursue career , obtain graduate degree & challenges were only part of life to face, & grow! At times, like now…I feel stuck & drained but I kno that il,look bac w gratitude for strength to embrace but I am going for professional guidance but there’s an answer n happiness but befriending an enslaved tortured victim of a sadistic narcisstic mom so set up for failure that he’s in quicksand but until meeting me didn’t kno there was solid ground for him to find freedom… But ritualistic abuse thwarts cognition & I must help myself after a whole year of him brainwashed to lie, protect & deserve punishment that it’s unbearable & my unanswered pleas ignored 🙁 Advice appreciated as he won’t seek refuge of no contact as he’s afraid….??? Il b fine

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband recently kicked me out without warning. I had been heartbroken and grieving over him for 9 months. My story just about mirrors yours. He wanted me to change my appearance, never was there for me in illness, ignored my wishes, would not connect with me, and finally he just kicked me to the curb and hooked up with another girl. he was cheating too. His excuse was it was the dogs. I’m still hurt but I know he’s sick. Your story helped me to further see its not me like he would have me believe. Thank you

I hear my story in each of yours. Living and loving a narcissist is very painful and hard to get over. My wife of 14+ years has been very emotionally abusive. It got really bad after I was disabled and she had to take care of me. She tried to care for me, but I could see her resentment. I couldn’t do anything, not even get up to go to the bathroom. She had to empty my urine bottle and she cringed each time. If I could do it myself, I’d save her the trouble but she didn’t like anything she had to do for me. Later I found out she started having an affair at that time. She wanted everyone to think she was a doting supportive wife, while the truth was every night she went away to talk with her lover. I’m out of her trap now, Thank God!!

I hope you all have healed or are healing. It’s one of the hardest things for me. And women narcissists are not as rare as people think. They’re out there, but just harder to see. My wife’s symptoms started with facebook, she was A D D I C T E D from day one. She posted pictures of herself trying to look like a model, and wanted everyone to ‘like’ her. If she didn’t get a response, she posted something else until she got what she wanted. When people started wondering, she branched out to other social media (splitting her time between facebook, snapchat, instagram, all of them). She was addicted big time. And if I said anything about it, she got furious — she took ANY suggestion as criticism.

I too am married to a narcissist and he put me n our two children through hell. 17 yrs of on again off again til I finally realized who n what I was dealing with after reading blogs of other people going though the exact same thing as me. I never knew it was a name for it. I knew it was dysfunctional n unhealrhy n I wasn’t happy riding his emotional rollercoaster. Long story short he left n I’m at peace. He text me asking for sex but I refuse to respond. My advice is to Keep Away Dump him n save urself the pain. Wish u well.

God bless you for getting out. Hopefully you won’t have to look over your shoulder 4 ever. I’m still struggling 27 years of it! Ive used up all my sanity, all reserves are empty. Ive never been so lonely in my life. My skin is thick and i have mastered listening to the sound of silence.

Same with me too. Was married 19 years together 26. Started when my son was born and got worse. He purposely made me feel like I was nothing. I finally had the courage to get out. The emotional abuse continues and my kids are talked down about me. I hope one day they realize Im a good mom. Their dad manipulates them to the point they are cruel to me. So sad!

I am in the same boat in 11 year relationship and just last year a huge change. I know he is having sexual partners other thAn myself. I on a serious side loath him. He is my main support right now cuz of all what going on in my life w just this relationship is crazy , I have depression,anxiety ,I can get filled with pure rage towards his sex partners and him. This is not like me at all . Ifear getting a job thinking that he will call my employment manipulating them into believing lies about me. He has told people that I have an extensive drug habbit,which I just found out recently. He’ll I just figured out that it was him doing all the bullshit thst was putting me in stress levels that I lost 45 pounds . And after all of this I still love him. Is there Something wrong with me because i have neen subjected to him for so long. I too am from northern nv. Deanna im invegas now but will be in gsrdnerbille minden area for the holidays msybe we can meet up and we can talk. Just saying it would be mice to talk to someone who doesent tjink im telling stories, who knows whats going on and doedent make me degend mysef worth all the time. Good luck. Hope we can meet up

U love him or dependent in him???..get educated.if u r and are working, get a divorce and make sure u get what u r entitled to by law when u are leaving, move into a plc that u can afford and start dating..never let a narc see u cry or depressed..its their power..laugh and chat on d phone with friends and let him think he hasn’t phased u..cry whenever u want when he is not around but never let him see..educate urself on dealing with a narc..am doung the same

Knowledge is power. Ive read and read and read enough to know each.line was written from my life. He’s extremely cruel! I don’t share my man but when it came to.light he was forcing 2 share I began cutting my cord.

I’m too been in an out of a marital relationship for 32 yrs putting up with this man’s up and down roller coaster it got so bad until he didn’t want me to have any friends,or family around, would get angry when I went to visit my children,accuses me of things I no is not true,an sex he would get mad when I can’t bc I have arthritis in my back and pelvic he would rage all night and when he’s sick I have to cater to him but it’s not the same for me,conttrolled all the money he bought the groceries what was my place in this marriage I could go on an on,spoke for me at the dr.office,would embarrassing me in public.

Having read this I believed it was rather enlightening. I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this information together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worth it!

I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with a narcissists. Reading this really helps me as I thought I was going crazy My narcissist ex has dumped me 5 times over our 3 year period then our relationship takes this pattern He tells me he can’t live without me. I fall for it, he buys me gifts, cooks for me, compliments of, makes love to me. This normally last 2 months on average. Then he will start to withdraw, stop making love and start masterbating, leaving me the evidence them telling me I need help as that isn’t what he does. Then tells me this is why he doesn’t want to make love to me. He stops cooking, doesn’t do anything around the house and I become his mum. He constantly tells me about every ex, we go shopping. He will say, oh I used to go out with a girl who lived near that shop. We go down a street, you guessed it he went out with a girl who lived there I would ask him to leave as I feel he is breaking me. No, he won’t leave me, I’m his world. Then one day he just gets up, packs his things and walks. I beg, he doesn’t love me. I suffer and drag myself through everyday for him to turn up months later and start again

I got pregnant as we were approaching the gym don’t want to make love stage. We argued because I wasn’t getting any help and was more like his slave. I ended it with him at least 5 times but he wouldn’t budge. He would change, he needed my help etc. Then one day I started to bleed. On the same day I found out he had been in contact with another women. I wasn’t going to bring it up but he came home from work didn’t even ask about me and our baby. I asked about the other women and the texts. How dare I question him! That was it, he was leaving, knowing I could of been loosing our baby at 16 weeks.

He packed his things and went. Telling me he lies by accident but it was over. The next day, I found out our baby had died. I telephoned him heart broken and he just said I’m sorry but he wasn’t coming to the hospital. I was induced and spent 2 days in labour with my family at my side as I have birth to our baby.

I didn’t hear anything from him. I found out last week that he has paid hundreds of pounds for one of these life like women. Well this has a life like torso working bum and front hole. I vomited for two days, felt so degraded.

Still I pine for him or the guy he is for the first two months. He took all my confidence, made my name black. Had a different version to everything that happened, every time. Made me think I had totally lost the plot. Now I just have to take baby steps, every hour as it comes, never mind days Xx

You will heal. As you continue to see through the event for what he was, it will hold no power over you. Spend time in healing environments and stay away from immediate relationships, would be my advice. Better times are coming for you.

im going though the same s**t. man i feel every thing you said its hard to explain to friends and family what your going through.i lived it going on four years now. did all kinds of stuff to me .only thing is im married and trying not to break my vows to her or god now she trying to turn every thing around on me but her history says diffent.they really cant love anyone just want you to know you are not alone, its not your fault !!!you know you got one when they dont show up at the hospital pretty comon.theres a lot of pain in this stuff .

I was the abused half of a horribly abusive marriage to a narcissist for more than 20 years, and in the beginning, I went to my pastor to find out whether I was justified in “breaking my vows” to him. Fast forward to the present, and I can tell you that if you are married to an abusive person, she (or in my case, he) ALREADY BROKE THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT by behaving abusively! The vows are broken, my friend, unless your vows *excluded* words like, ‘love’, ‘honor’, and ‘cherish’. Run like hell and take care of yourself.

Wow! You need to work every day on loving yourself! Remind yourself contantly that you are enough. If you had your mind right, he could of treated you like this once and maybe twice but never for so long. You will never be able to control anyone’s behavior but your own. I responded because my heart went out to you…I use to be that girl.

I couldn’t hav given a more positive inspirational message than that in which only I give up my power thus allowing ur empowerment because , without weak there will be no strong so if each of us gained self confidence thru realization that no one can take what u don’t give!!! I once allowed myself low self confidence by not receiving validation that I m good & the sadistic narcisstic mother can destroy lives as Angels of Death torturous harm (@Auchwitz WWII N*z* !), provided a sense of ,”look how powerful I m to hav enslaved n received obedience!?” human reaction to ritualistic dehumanizing torture over duration of life elicits hormones which render victim helpless , isolated in self imposed jail with authority & society saying…he can leave!? “Mind ur business!” Lives of the weak are everyone’s concern! Neglect or failure to help is abuse! The abuse injures frontal cortex which shows up as larger grey matter & victimized is broken shattered thus submissive & paralyzed by fear. More public awareness is urgent ASAP

I agree with you. I’m really messed up from the pre frontal cortex being damaged. I literally have been debilitated with anxiety, confusion, anger, sadness, very low self esteem (if any) and inability to do anything. He moved out of state a week ago (really cruel way he left me suddenly and made a joke out of me in front of neighborhood. My dad won’t talk to me and my mom and friends think I’m being dramatic and won’t really talk to me either. I’m 32 single, now I guess, and no kids. I also am an only child and have been isolated for a year. He left once for a month, and now he moved everything for good. I’m not worried about him. That’s a lie. I think about it all he time. I dream about it every single night. I can’t get away from all the unanswered questions. I have lost my sekf-worth. My strength. My confidence. I have a college degree and was thinking about law school. Ive lost 2 jobs, became isolated and am very thankfuk to all of you for your shares and being brave and strong. I would like to help get the word out in this aliens aka narcissists. I Have lost myself and am sad but I have hope that by prayer, making friends back and new friends and pretending the narcissist passed away. No that last part was a bad joke. I dont know what to do. He humiliated me. But i still dont want anyone else. Its like a love spell that i know is wrong but i miss him.. Help. And God Bless You All!

Just asking im going threw everything u guys are 5 years of it. And he dropped me cold crying why I packed standing over me going boo hook. It was just last week I was at my grandmother’s and I finally admitted to her how he put a knife to my throat 3 times and it told me how he was going to cut out my insides so I didn’t. So she said he sounded like a psychopath so I looked up psychopath and it came along with narcissists and I had no idea every article was me to send him to the T and it’s scary I’m so scared and you know what I can’t stop thinking about him it was about him and think about him and his house and nobody can understand why I’m doing this to myself how could you hurt me like that I don’t know I’m just trying to get by there was so much into it but try to read the 5 signs grieve 4 narcissists different than the five stages of grief for just grieving

I think I really realized when he was sick when he said to me you deserve to be raped because I was raped when I was 11 years old by family member and he said that and I cried and cried and cried and then he said it three more times in the last time I seen him he’s like why don’t you go call you know this person and I just looked at him and I know he’s sick I didn’t I didn’t even get upset I just like oh my God he’s sick cuz nobody does that

Thanks for sharing everyone! I am recovering from a 27 year relationship with a Narc. (going through a divorce now) I know your pain. I encourage you to read up on narcissism and codependency. Make the efforts and take the steps to recover. Get educated. Knowledge is power!!! We are worth it. We deserve respect and true love and to be valued and cherished. But we will never have this if we continue to stay in an emotionally unhealthy place.

Sarah, I was glad to read your (abbreviated) story, because your time with the Narc was more than mine!(20years with my ex-husband). It was painful to accept that what was a whole-soul relationship for me was absolutely meaningless to him, father of my five children. Knowing that you’ve moved past the pain lets me hope that I can.

I read that and you know it really makes sense in my whole life I was co-dependent and this time I got I live by myself and there’s so much peace no one’s calling me names and known as the little thing you know it’s making me feel bad the whole time and being worried all the time like I have the remote and never had it for 5 years and it’s so peaceful like I am uncomfortable but you know what ladies just keep going through it because you know I’m going through it and I’m struggling so bad and crying and then I’m good and then I just miss him and I just want her to text me and then I’m back in again and I don’t know what you really have to do no contact and so hard it’s so hard to think about him 24 hours a day

25 years married been together 7 years before that,it is a comfort to read i am leaving in two days i find it so hard to leave im 49 and been with mu husband since i was 16 i am lucky i have the support from our 3 daughters i came across this page while looking for some understanding what has happened all these years i feel so stupid

27 years for me too. Just got out. Knowledge is Power. It is very very painful. To know the kind of father I gave my Kids idea the saddest of all. Trying to recover myself and to give strengh to my kids. I ll do and fight to recover and find happiness once again

Sarah…my husband has done me the same way your husband did you..he lefted me 5 times with in 2 years..every 2 or 3 months he would leave me…them woman dont mean nothing to him…lies on top of lies..i am still going throught it he lefted me a month ago he call me private on the phone and wont say nothing..friends and family dont understand what i am going through…i need helpppppp..all i do is cry.hoping he will get treatment..

I can relate to your story, I was married to a Narc for 15 yrs & had 3 children only to end in him turning violent, me getting restraining order & a nasty 4 yr abusive divorce… Your baby is in heaven rather than in the hands of his evil, something you may never have been able to protect it from. My poor little girls were ordered to be with their Narc-father 50% custody even though there was a 56 pg psych report on how cruel he is. Cruelty is looked upon in the court system like- “go to a therapist, work on that”, but as long as nobody landed in the hospital, a parent doesn’t lose ‘rights’ over it… So, have faith that you escaped much worse abuse down the line. Do everything you can to heal & surround yourself with kind (not narcissist) people… Wishing you all the best

I really feel for u ur worth so much more. Believe me u will get there but it takes time and complete “no contact” with him. I,m only a few months going through the process i was with him for 10 years, same old story “i,m sorry it wont happen again, orthis time it will be different” i wanted to believe it would be. Not worth wastimg your time on someone like that, they wont change. I wish u all the best dont let him win, move on and be happy.

Oh Wow this is exactly what I’ve had….them prefering masterbating instead of having normal sex with a woman is so degrading,you know they are doing it,it’s a way of rejecting you,but as its secret you can’t call them out on it,and they know you know,& enjoy your hurt

Wow! I thought my husband was the only one who did that! It w would go on for days on end and mad me feel worthless and useless it was all about him and his fantasies and desires! He tried to talk me into having a foursome but it was all about him wanting me to watch him with another woman because he knew how much it would hurt me!

Sarah, it is so heart-rending what you have been through. I’m really sorry you’ve gone through so much suffering. A narcissist really can make a person feel like they are going crazy, and as you know ~ you didn’t deserve any of that treatment. You are a kind, loving, compassionate human being. A narcissist looks for targets that have good qualities such as yours. I was involved with a narcissist for many years. (I was quite effected, incredulous and almost destroyed, by the time I came to realize who and what he really is. All the charm, caring and kindness is only to maintain their supply sources. They are NOT capable of love, and for those that are “close” to them – when the mask comes off, and all the deception is revealed, it is so devastating, as you gradually discover all that you believed you had was really only an illusion. I’ve had no contact for two and a half years, and am still in the process of recovering and healing. They come back – the one I knew did – 10 years later. I trusted he had changed, and he promised counseling and a loving relationship. It was hard to discover who he really was, and the way he crushed my spirit ~ and the lies, lies, lies – the emotional cruelty….. I broke down, but escaped one year later, with barely my sanity. I’m new to this site, and hope I’m not violating any rule – but if you ever need someone to talk to about what you are going through, as you go about processing all this, you can certainly contact me any time for an empathetic ear. I do care, and I wish you many blessing, on the journey of healing you are embarking on ~ Your letter here has been very comforting to me, in saying “take baby steps, every hour as it comes, never mind days.” I so needed that reminder this evening. You understand. NO CONTACT. You have the power. You are a courageous woman. sincerely, cheryleangelheartcrl@frontier.com

I’m living it now. I just tonight ran across this sight. And I’ve got to tell you that each and every one of your stories have helped me more in the last 2 hours then I have been trying to figure out or understand in the last 5 years of my 6 year marriage. I have lived and still am living in that marriage. I am going through a little bit of each one of your stories and then some. You are right I feel completely alone. In December of 2014 my 28 yr old son was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor and ended up having a stroke during surgery. What was supposed to be a 6-8hr surgery ended up being 16hours the hospital stay 5-7 days ended up a month and 2 weaks inpatient rehab. It will be a year on February 23rd since surgery and THANK GOD he has made almost a full recovery. He los his hearing only on the right a little weakness still on right side of body. He lost all feeling/sensation a better word he has facial paralysis no feeling whatsoever on the right side of his head. I have actually been staying with him caring for him for the last year. He no longer needs me. Would you like to know what my husbands reaction was when this all started. I don’t think I need to tell you. Well the first three months I think I may have gotten a ten minute break. Not one ounce of support from my husband or anyone else for that matter. I swear I’m losing my mind. This is the first time I have heard anything about narcissistic personality. And I’ve got to Tell you that I am so thankful to each and everyone of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Sure did open my eyes. I now know what I have to do. Thank You all so very much for letting me vent. I think my shoulders just dropped about 6 inches. Thanks again Tracey

All I can say right now is Thankyou for all your stories like mine, right now I just want to die, I feel like he actually murdered me, but in some crazy sick thinking I seem to think I still love him, I don’t know what to do to rid my head of thinking about missing him!!!!

Sarah I hope by today u have been healing your heart and forgiving yourself 4 loving him. That desperate love, obsessive love, there’s no life without them, I was there not so long ago and have taken way to long to get it in my head ” he doesn’t nor hasn’t ever loved me” we share a teenager who committed suicide at age 15, and the wall began to rise. 26 years and I’ve had enough. If I spend another lonely night day night day……alone ill ?????

Thank you Alexander for this amazing article. It helps a lot of women and men to understand clearly the cycle of abuse we had to go through. A lot of what you have written I ironically experienced it.

When I think back to what I was really going through with the extreme narcissist I was in relationship with, I get anger and rage inside of me to let myself to be degraded and sexually abused for over a year.

My abuser got to a point that I would be literally abandoned by him while I crave for sex and he would watch p**n instead leaving me hours feeling humiliated and ashamed. He would talk to other female friends in a sexual manner and wipe it into my face.

I have been asked to watch his sex video with his ex-wife, wear wigs and even wear his ex-wife night wears.

I once caught him kissing another woman shirtless in an underground bar while I was with him and told me later on that the woman attacked him and forced him to take off his shirt…

They come to your life to suck you in to their darkness and leave you helpless, worthless, humiliated with no self-esteem.

“They come to your life to suck you into their darkness and leave you helpless, worthless, humiliated with no self-esteem”.

Areej, yes. They do not have consciences ~ we must realize, no matter how we want it to seem, or be – they don’t CARE ~ only about obtaining admiration, recognition, any form of attention, positive or negative – for themselves ~ for the supply that is so central to their functioning. Believe what your instincts are telling you ~ I know about that darkness ~ and it is an evil we must flee from, and never return. It’s the only way we have hope ~ we must break that cycle of violence. We have tremendous courage, and we can save ourselves.

Excellent post. Wish I had found this information a few months ago. I have just encountered a medical doctor with this tendency. Your descriptions are very accurate and are very surprising when one first encounters a person like this as a partner. It is one thing to find such people in the workplace but in the bedroom it is a shocker. The observations on them wanting to do things in public (or fantasizing about it), not wearing underwear once they know you, and digging up insignificant things from your past (as a teenager for example) and later throwing them back at you, are spot on and really the opposite to what healthy individuals would do. Suffice it to say there are many red flags for women who meet up with men like this. They also genuinely prefer ‘doing themselves’ to letting you touch them if the one I met is typical and I did notice the control freak aspect does not permit them to have a genuine o****m with a partner either but rather a more restrained (feigned?) version. I parted ways with this character on the night of a full moon which somehow seemed appropriate. I’m hoping ‘no contact’ will be enforced but understand they can also be vindictive. Websites like yours are helpful in trying to understand, get over it and move on but really it is so disturbing to have an encounter or series of encounters like this it is difficult to shake off. I feel truly sorry for women who find themselves in marriages with such individuals.

I recently dumped a similar “person” and it is a big weight removed. Know you are right. You always did really didn’t you! He was acting all along. Never look back. Never listen to any cr*p. Look after yourself. Eat well. Sleep Well. It was never your fault. Do nice things. Go out with friends.

That’s horrible. I’m sorry. I was with mine for 3 years also. After the first 6 months almost everything I did was wrong. Finally one day when I was complaining about some more of the crazy things he would do my friend asked me if I liked him…and I had to admit I didn’t. Still didn’t leave for a while but that was a big, big realization for me.

Thank you for this enlighting information on these human vampires….all I can say is watch your children. These pedolphiles don’t know boundries and they will do anything…you have to be careful in choosing your partners. Before I go through that hell again…I’ll be by my damn “Self”!! I thank “God” that I made it and I won’t look back! They are the “Devil” himself….if you know you are with a “N”, run like “Hell”!!!

“He, Him, His?” “Narcissists are absolutely misogynists.”? Wow, what a gender biased article. 90% of the narcissists I know are women. So if anything they’d be misandrists. But I really doubt all male narcissists are misogynists. Narcissists may indeed be incapable of truly loving others, but that’s still a long stretch to misogyny. Don’t know where you get your facts, Mr. Burgemeester. Maybe you’ve been hanging around the feminist camps too long?

It’s quite widely documented that narcissists are more likely to be male and that only a very small percentage are female. The Madonna/Wh**e complex that is at the heart of the male narcs’ relationships with women is certainly misogynistic and in fact, your use of the word feminist as if it is a negative thing reeks of misogyny.

I was the “sweetest woman in the world” ~ then in a rage out of nowhere, I was a “f—ing wh**e”. (there was never another partner in my life during those years – only him) Eventually, he withdrew affection – when trying to cultivate intimacy – I was told I was a “nymphomanic” (like the article was saying) He said there was “never any reason to be angry” at him, but if I ever thought there was, he “didn’t want to hear about it.” All the things he was – he projected on to me – when the idolization was over – I was not self-aware, (if I could just drop my ego), I was crazy, stupid….imagining things….and then came the ridicule about my clothes and how a particular thing didn’t suit him about my body – demanding I weigh in every day with him recording ~ (weight and measurements) –

To the outside world they can often be so charming and magnanimous ~ it is so different for the person(s) dealing with them at home. I’ll never understand it completely, but I know what I experienced He was soliciting women on line, a predator, a persuasive, charming liar, and it worked many times to gain their trust. He had a method ~ it’s about control and getting what he needs – the supply – and he can never get enough. I can see now I was too compliant and codependent, but I was a sweet, kind person, not devious in any way; devoted and caring. To try to love a narcissist is an exercise in futility. They cannot give or receive love. I don’t believe they are gender discriminate – they don’t love anyone, but they will pretend to love you as long as you provide them with positive or negative supply. They can only emulate love. They only use people for their own selfish purposes. If there is any way they can see to use you – they won’t want to let you go. When you have no use to them, you will be degraded, and discarded. You cannot discuss the TRUTH with them – they are gone. Their sense of entitlement is great – and they do not want to change, as they believe they are just about perfect. They create their own reality – and people their “kingdom” with those that bow to their wishes and see them as the “AUTHORITY” on everything. They are always right ~ never, ever wrong. Question them – you will suffer.

He really did not like women – he would use them as “objects” and discard them when/if they figured him out, and when he could not get the admiration – he just moved on to others waiting in the wings. When I called him on it, and gave him every opportunity to just sit down and say the truth – he lied to my face. What a cold, empty look in his eyes. He said, “I wish I’d hidden it better.”

Yes, ~ there were many “red flags” – and I ignored them. When the mask slips they give you many clues as to their true destructive nature, but often, by then, we’ve invested so much of our time, love, and energy into the relationship, it can be so difficult to walk away, (run!) but I believe it’s the only way to save your sanity and your soul. As Areej commented, they will suck you into their darkness, ~ they will cloud the clarity of your mind, if you allow it, ~ like a one-man cult, they use psychological torment, to drain you of all the goodness and uniqueness that you possess ~ because they want to! Evil personified.

Yes. Yes. All of this information is very gender biased. I married a Narcissist disorder woman. Then was by chance rescued by an even bigger NSPD woman. It nearly destroyed me. And I’m a big strong athletic guy. I’m even mentally very strong, but kept being drawn back into the cycle of NSPD victim, even knowing in my hear that her behavior was definitely abnormal. It wasnt until a close female friend sent me an article [her husband was NSPD] on this disorder that I was able to step back from the horrible cycle of abuse. I’ve known 5 of these NSPD women, 3 I’ve had relationships with. Danger Danger!!!!!

You are an empath.. As soon as they find out they move in for the kill. Mine knew me 10 years, by phone, text. Moved to my state. W his little belongings. Pulled shitshows to be bk and forth to his state. Amtrak station next to my apt. He gets a thrill to pull the I’m leaving card. If you are a loving person. If you have usable things. You are good supply if you have a roof, they like to live for free, vehicle, money, you pay all the bills, and if they think they can control you. The number one goal. When you say no they split. They want a slave while they live their fantasy life. Every night at the bar for attention. They can come home and rage at you, and get admiration in public. Don’t ever tell anyone new you got taken by a narc. They will find you. Just notice the red flags!

My mother-in-law is a narcissist. She is a misogynist despite being a female narcissist. She hated her mother. She only ‘loves’ her grandsons and treats them better than her granddaughters (to hurt the girls). She openly admits it, too. She trashed my daughter for years until I exploded in her face and told her I didn’t want to listen to more of this c**p. And they don’t like being challenged, so she’s calmed down (it won’t last long). A friend’s mother while growing up was a narcissist. She hated a prominent female politician and she made the girlfriend of her grown-up son a living hell, ended their relationship singelhanded. So yes, I do believe that narcissists are misogynists, whatever the sex of the narcissist. But I have no idea where this comes from, except, patriarchal societies, like muslim or fascist societies are all misogynists, and they have, in a way, narcissistic traits. Or psychopathic traits, which are alike.

When i first realized my ex was a somatic Narcissist it was hard to deal with at first,i think maybe because if someone falls out of love with a person there is closure..but having to accept a narcissist can not feel love,is even more devastating to grasp..that it all had been fake and a lie.

When i first met him I never knew of the condition,but knew something wasn’t right with how he acted from my previous partners,I met him whilst I was in a relationship with another man,who was kind,caring and affectionate..the thing was i wasnt attract to him anymore and saw him more as a friend,but sadly like most women didnt earn enough to live alone,so stayed more for connivance. When i came across my ex narcissist i told him i was in a relationship,which made him want the chase even more,that was the time he made me believe i was special to him and he really loved me,i was attracted to him not for his looks at first,but for his manliness and confidence and if im honest,because he was a very passionate lover in bed (the best ive experienced even to this day). I have a very low opinion of myself and have always been shy and even bullied at school when i was young,due to which have had a number of cosmetic surgeries in the past and still not happy with the way i look.

After a few weeks of seeing this Narcissist behind my partners back(which i still feel guilty for and believe karma got one back on me) I told my partner i do not love him and have found someone else..it wasnt easy to do and i even cried because i felt guilt and i even cried in font of my narcissistic partner and he showed no comfort or empathy towards me what so ever,which i found strange but thought could have been due to jealousy.

A few days after when we were officially “together” i noticed he was very self obsessed and very arrogant and even came across fake(which i even told him) he would talk about how good looking he was for his age,how women would leave their partners,husbands to be with him,he told me a string of lies which later i found out were no where near true,such as sleeping with famous women,threesomes,claiming he was a professional boxer even kept a good mate such as the likes of David haye!! loads of other things such as he’d been shot,owned his own house which was in fact was his parents. Time went on and i noticed he would put me down a lot and say he was too good for me..(when he isnt what most people would find attractive and was 10 years older than me),he knocked me confidence even more and i felt unloved and unattractive, But still felt in love with the guy who i met and even the guy that showed he “loves” me when were in bed..so i felt confused.I started (not subconscious) to feed his ego,because i knew thats the only time he wanted me around. Two months had gone by and i was shocked to find i was pregnant,one minute he would say keep the baby and the next he would say that i must get rid of it because his family would kick him out his house, at the age of 33 and he would be get chucked out the family inheritance,i felt as though i was having an emotional breakdown. He told me i should come round and meet his parents but not yet to mention the pregnancy..My narcissist ex partner was a Sikh,so i understood as i am English that in their culture they wouldn’t approve and as i cared a lot for him i told him i would have had an abortion so they wouldn’t disown him,but he told me that wasnt an option for him despite his contentious change of mind each day!

I met his mum,dad and brother and they immediately didnt like me,for what reason i honestly didnt know as i was always polite and tried having conversations with them.His mother i disliked the most because as soon as i met her she was very boastful and showed off her home and she was very materialistic,such as saying ‘my husband buys me this and that and he gives me everything i want..ect,thats all she was interested and was clear, she too was narcissistic.She wasn’t interested in her son (my ex) and even told me he was a failure and they both(his parents) favored the brother over him..it was clear. My ex would ALWAYS defend them no matter what and went against what i thought about them (which i guess most would) He told them three months into the pregnancy that i was pregnant and took a scan photo round,his mum said nothing but his dad and brother were very angry with him and didnt talk to him for months and he stayed with me,i even remember falling out with him because his dad said he doesnt want a mixed race child in the family tree..and his brother kept telling him everyday that he should get me to abort the baby,i used to get very upset to the point i couldn’t eat.

For the whole 9 months i never saw his family,he still spoke to them but they were cold with him. We split up more times than i can could count as he would always put other priorities before me and make promises and didnt keep them,he would make fun of my looks still,accuse me of the baby not even being his,call me a prostitute and ugly and that im dirty english scum ect..and blame me in public for getting pregnant. I’d stay at my friends sometime because i felt alone,but he would text me after about two weeks and say he loves me and wants me back,but he was NEVER sorry for how he spoke or treated to me.

After i had my baby in the hospital,his mum and dad decided to come round and visit their grandchild,they didnt really speak to me and they took over my daughter in every way possible even to this day (she is three) Even on the way out of the hospital one of the aunties took my baby in a separate car from me,i was very worried and angry. They told me they didnt like the name me and him chose for her and wanted us to give her a indian name,they even call her an Indian name today and never use her birth name at all,they asked to keep her for four months one time as well! they get my girl to call them mum and dad and me by my first name. They even fill her with sweets and junk food to which ive had to say something to which his dad just replied ‘i am the grandfather ill give her what i want’ I even stopped her from going round as much and which my narcissistic ex took me to court over,coz he thought he had a hold over me due to the fact he studied law.

As time went on before i realized he was a narcissistic,we fell out and got back together number of times,we rowed over his family over the fact he never went near me,kised me ect,withdraw sex from me and put me down,he even went to another country behind my back and also some days when my girl was very young he would turn his phone off and i believe he was cheating.Since Ive know him he’s had numerous different jobs,cars and two different houses.

Because i felt alone and very insecure in the relationship i finally had enough and we split almost a year ago, He tried getting me back once or twice or offered me out places a few times,but i never accepted..It was and still is very hard to accept and i still have to deal with his narcissistic parents in my child’s life,not disciplining my child over spoiling her and over feeding her.I was brought up with my grandparents so have no family but his who can help me out when i go back to work ect.

I found out through researching and even talking to his ex girlfriend that i believe he is a narcissistic and will use others to benefit himself. I worry for my child’s well being and prey she will not be influenced by narcissism .

I found out recently due to facebook,that he is with another woman (who i believed he cheated on me with due to evidence) and she is writing how in love she is and how he’s her prince,but his comments to her are more of the sexual nature to which she isn’t aware yet, because its only been a few months..but soon she will see the real him,nasty,cold,controlling,bored easy,unsettled selfish man where as he can not feel love,then he’ll be on to his next victim for his supply.

But in the mean time i have to bring his child up the best i can,whilst putting up with his childish games and his families influence on my daughters life.

Thank you for reading my long dyslexic story lol and i wish full recovery to men and women dealing with a narcissists in their lives.

You must be out of your mind, lady! Look up the studies of child abuse/neglect. After age 3, your child is in danger of permanent damage by her grandparents! Get a sitter or child care outside of that nuthouse!!! Move away if possible!

Totally agree!! My ex (Narc) was diagnosed by MY psychiatrist – he told me countless times he would seek help and you know the story. Every excuse under the sun to not be able to make it. Please run, run away from this evil family. Psychiatrist told me that the first 18 months of your life is where you learn to love. Once that time is over – well, you know what happens. You need to “wake up” please don’t take that the wrong way. I refer to being “asleep” whilst I was in denial during our horrible 3 yr relationship. Please get your daughter away!!!! They are controlling her!!! They are doing what they did to their son!!! Children can only spend 1 week per year of age away from their mothers. I.e. 1 week = 1 yr old, 2 weeks = 2 yr old and so forth. Please this worries me.

Mam, i hate to be hard on you, but you need to protect your little girl much better. Go seek whatever government help you qualify for, and get daycare to care for your child if you decide to work. Even better, stay home and take care of her yourself if you can. Keep your daughter away from her father and his family as much as you can — seek legal help to do this, and please be clever and smart and handle this for your daughter’s sake, or she too will suffer from this narcissism, both as a victim and as a narcissist. If you can, get far, far, away…

After finally leaving…for good the last time, I have come to realize much about this disorder..and what hell i suffered in while with him and even after i left him.He was very sick, twisted in his head about sex. He wanted me to do many sick things for him, to control me! He even hid his brother in our bedroom one night..trying to be sneaky and have him perform oral sex on me in the dark. The brother is just as twisted! turned out, i blew the whole thing up and turned on the light to go to the bathroom and saw him in there!I was then beaten, cursed and called all kinds of names…for not willingly having sex with my BIL! I was also told i was a big wh**e, so why not do something to make my husband happy, instead of someone else! there was no one else! He tried his damndest to make an argument out of it..and he did! he also tried to make himself sound like the one who was in the right, not me..i was just supposed to go along for anything he said, wished or told me to do..whatever that was!I had no voice, mine never mattered..it was always his voice, his will to be done! I had grown to hate that man so much, fear kept me there for years..and beatings and rapes! When i finally decided that i would rather try to leave,nothing or nobody was going to stop me..i was determined! he was like a prison guard to me instead of a husband. a prison guard who wanted to be treated like GOD.

My heart breaks for you reading this, but I hope you have now healed. You are an inspiration. You are a beautiful, loving, intelligent and inspirational woman of courage and strength. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives people like me the hope to keep pushing through the agony of it all. Love and light. God bless xoxoxo

Oh wow where do I begin? I have been seeing a somatic narcissist younger male (can’t say man coz he’s not) for 3 and a half years on and off. I still can’t believe it that I was part of his sick sex conquests.. I recently caught him out with another women at his house. I am 51, he is 39 and she is only 20 yrs old. I found this out after contacting her through Facebook friends search. If only I had been more of a detective earlier I would not have ever gone back, but of course I was a victim of his cunning lies and deceitfulness.

However I contacted her via Facebook and she asked me to ring her so I did. She tells me that she has been with him for 2 yrs now, and practically lived there a lot. I was so disgusted, she then tells me that he is a speed and ice junkie who shoots up. I said what the f…, OMG I never knew, and that he has many women that he has sex with. She was only 18 yrs old when he started with her. I was so shocked and wanted to vomit. All this time he has pretending to be a very good single father to his three young children.. Now everything adds up, all his twisted stories, his lack of talking, his excuses why he lost my phone number ect ect. I accused him of being a player a few months ago and he just glares at me with no emotion.. as though I am annoying him. I am worried about the kids they are in complete immoral danger. The young women has gone back to him since we spoke, I know because he sent me very abusive messages to my Facebook account from an alias name, (apparently he has many fake accounts, so he can abuse her badly when he is with someone else…

I am only a few weeks into healing and know I have a long way to go..

Please advise me or if you want to chat, I have made a report to child protection services about his sick lifestyle with many different women, and letting the kids see and get attached to us..

I am seriously thinking that there is a lot more I don’t know about, like when the 5 yr old boy said to me one day, did I want to have sex? I said oh you don’t say that, he said yes say that and laughed. I later told his father and his reply was, are you sure with a giggle, because he can’t speak properly. He is very sick, and needs sex daily of anyone he can get, while using womens money to buy methamphetamine to shoot up. Apparently this gives a hyperactive sex drive along with his somatic narcissist personality disorder which he has. Honestly I don’t think his kids are safe… It makes me sick to the stomach to know that this much was hidden from me, even when I would query him..

I have been reading with interest all the above stories. I have been in a relationship for 3 years with someone I now know to be a narcissist. I was given a book on the subject 2 weeks’ ago and it describes my ‘partner’ exactly. After the first few months of charismatic charm which he poured all over me, he became nasty and insulting, criticising what I wore, my make-up, my hairstyle, my personality, my ‘falseness’, the way I spoke (which was originally ‘a voice to die for’!); he resented my upbringing, my private education, the opportunities I had had…in fact everything about me. I kept thinking it must be me, and I kept apologising for everything I said, as everything I did say seemed to trigger anger and rage, even though he regularly accused me of ‘hysterical rants’ and ‘reading too much into things’. Eventually, 2 years ago, he bullied me into going on the websites looking for men to have sex with, then record it on my mobile and he would keep them all in ‘folders’ on his phone (a phone I gave him!). I went along with it for months, with him sitting beside me as we looked for ‘candidates’; I pretended to meet people, saying I needed to get to know them first; I stalled and stalled; he got more and more angry, would sulk for weeks and deny me sex. Eventually, I had to tell him I couldn’t do what he wanted as I wasn’t some ‘cheap s**t’; nor was I prepared to spend any more money on dinners, coffees etc – he never offered one penny towards this. He sulked for weeks, was verbally abusive and very very rude. Over the years he has sent many rude, insulting, irrational texts, all of which I still have. He has worked me up to sex over a period of 24/48 hrs, asking me to wear a certain dress, no underwear, red nail varnish, hair up, etc., only to tell me snearingly on the day, ‘It isn’t all about sex, you know’, and walking out. Two years ago, I had six months of therapy sessions with a Psychologist, begging to be admitted to the hospital unit that deals with the mentally unstable. He has denied me sex for the last six months, apart from my birthday in December, and the last request was for me to record on his phone me giving him oral sex, so that he could use this as his regular thrill, and presumably not need me at all. I refused. Thank God for my friend Jane who gave me the book on Narcissism recently. I read it every night and it gives me strength to deal with this awful man (who, incidentally, I have known for 30 years!) on a daily basis. My thoughts have done a complete about-turn, and although I am not out of the woods yet and still need a lot of support, I now see this man for what he is, and feel pity. He is at the end of his life and is going to die a very, very unhappy man, with nothing!. He is 83 (but don’t be fooled by that, as his brain is exquisitely sharp and he is physically more like a 45 year old, having been an athlete) and I am 70. It has been wonderful to be able to share this with all you people out there. Please support me and don’t judge me on being such a fool. I thought I had fallen in love for the very first time! How evil these people are. Thank you for listening/reading.

As such, it really should not be too difficult to pay some time constructing a database of tables similar to what is suggested at where they’ve provided a sample database spec for usage in a college accommodation reservation application. By doing this, you happen to be reinforcing that negativity and attracting to yourself MORE. There are a few significant improvements made over Vista, as well as the most part, it’s just a version of Vista that is both stable and more user-friendly.

As someone who is narcissistic I feel it is unfair to characterize narcissists as if we are incapable of metering ourselves. Most mental disorders are manageable if the person is made aware of their issues and said person genuinely wishes to be otherwise. What a narcissist has to do is understand that their natural inclinations toward others are inappropriate, and learn to be introspective instead of impulsive. We aren’t monsters. I actually explained the disorder to my girlfriend, and had her read the necessary literature. I encourage her to set boundaries with me, and our relationship is wonderful. As time has passed I’ve noticed that my control issues have faded, because I’d rather enjoy a true partnership than relegate myself to a life of being a hermit. Finally, I encourage narcissists not to drink alcohol, because we tend to be awful people when we’re intoxicated.

Respectfully it would be better if you went to a different board with your kind and help them rather than trying to defend yourself here. You are rare breed. Npd people with the full blown disorder have no conscience and do not respect boundaries.

You are giving false hope to people that have been emotionally gutted and torn apart and have been left behind for other relationships.

Mine said he would destroy any psychological person he went to for help and then proceeded to take off with a woman half his age who said she could fix him since she is a neuro psych tech with a phd…after he knew her for six days…so please take your defense somewhere else.

We are people that put in love and support and fed an ego of someone that could not return it lied to us and couldn’t feel.

I repeat…take your ability to the npd board and try to help them if you want to do anything nice for anyone here.

Donna, it is almost impossible to get them to see anything. They can’t see themselves. They are dead inside — there’s nobody in there. They are hollow. Something has to happen for them to want to help themselves very badly, and even then, once they feel better, recover, they go on continuing to hurt more people. Instead of spending energy on him, spend energy on yourself, taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, getting help for yourself, loving yourself, doing good things for YOU. This may set an example for him. Maybe.

I got together far too quickly with NK. We started living together after only a few weeks. He was very insistent and as much as that should have been a warning, I think I was insecure and naive. Sex was all about him and when I tried to talk to him about it (very gently) he got angry with me. I started losing interest in sex with him because it was frustrating. He pestered me. I tried talking with him again. He called me sexually damaged and told me that I just thought I didn’t like what he did and just thought I liked other things but if I was healthy then I’d agree with him. He didn’t work at all. I had 3 jobs. He accused me of cheating multiple times. I hadn’t. He was jealous of my friends and tried to get me to stop seeing them. He also tried to make me stop seeing my mother. I was locked into a lease with him and I told him I wanted to break up. He refused to let me out of the lease and move out and he refused to sign the lease fully over to me and move out himself. I left and kept paying rent there and paid rent for a room at a friends place. After a month I told him he had to choose to give me the lease or keep it himself. He had 1 month. After that, I’d stop paying and contact the agent.

The next boyfriend, JW, was flatting with two friends of mine. He had been married with 2 kids; one biologically his. We had a very sexual relationship. I’d never experienced anything like that kind of chemistry before. After a year and a bit, I found out he had cheated on me with many women, mostly my friends. I had a tumour in my uterus and had a small surgery to look around and assess options. This was days after I found out about the cheating. He chose the moment I got home and was still under the influence of painkillers and anesthetic to call me a wh**e and compare me negatively to many other women. He attacked my physicality, femininity, spirituality, told me I wasn’t understanding and nurturing, and told me he could never love a woman who behaves like such a wh**e in the bedroom. He used my eftpos card to empty my bank avvount on alcohol instead of getting my prescription pain killers, so as he was saying all these things the anasthetic and pain killers from the operation were wearing off. Afterward, he spread rumours. Really nasty rumours and used his new girlfriend, a woman I’d known for 10 years, to spread them. To this day, I don’t know who believed these things and who didn’t.

Were these men narcissists? Or is the problem me? I live in a very isolated way now. I miss having friends around and I would like to socialise again. I don’t have sex outside of monogamous relationships and haven’t been on a date in about a year. I don’t want to be closed off but I’m afraid the problem is me and I’ll just attract another abusive man and ‘friends’ who abuse my trust. What if the reason my friends had no loyalty to me is because I’m a bad friend or a nasty person? What if the reason these two relationships were bad is because I created it and my view is skewed?

I would like someone to reply to you because I feel very similar to this. I can’t explain how many relationships have felt this way to me. I even feel that my single mother had less feelings and more drive than average. I don’t feel comfortable getting close with new people because I fear being attracted to the wrong ones. I tell myself all that’s left to do is make myself better and keep others at a distance. Sadder still, I’m a camper of life trauma camp. I preferred volunteering for disabled students in my 6th grade school to going to recess. I then got and survived cancer in my ovaries by 17 years old. And at least 5 younger people close to me, I’ve lost count sadly, have passed away from illnesses and accidents. I am impulsively and compulsively loving and I’m not sure how to stop making connections that leave me so empty in the end and confused. Thank you for all this helpful insight. Putting words to all this and spreading support and awareness is the first step to healing.

Lethal Licorice ~ I feel the same way as you, but I have a hard time articulating it. This is all so hard. I cried a little and felt much empathy for you when I read your letter. I have isolated for over two years, and got diagnosed now with severe depression, panic disorder and post traumatic stress. I want recovery, but it’s so hard to find any counselor that understands how devastating, and mind altering such abuse is. I’m fully ready to accept my responsibility in becoming involved in that relationship, but I know I need help healing. I even have tremendous difficulty leaving my house. I know it’s not dangerous now, but it feels that way. I used to work in this community, with developmentally disabled adults, was independent, and had a rewarding job. I had recovered. But, apparently, was not strong enough to resist returning, 10 years later, with the promise of love and companionship, to that same relationship. It was emotionally devastating. A setback, to say the least, and one I could have avoided. I do know what you mean – not wanting to get close to anyone, because of fearing to be attracted to the wrong ones. And that’s exactly how I feel – “I tell myself all that’s left to do is make myself better and keep others at a distance.” I never had strong boundaries – I had gained self-esteem through my productivity at work, but I left after nine years as I faced an adult bully.

You have been through and endured a great deal. You are so right, it’s good that we are putting words to it all and “spreading support and awareness”.

We can support one another and work on recovery and healing here, too. I know I need to develop solid boundaries ~ and I usually always loved and trusted easily, too, like you. The narcissistic experience can be life altering. It’s difficult to see it in any positive light, but there could be some sort of painful lesson to be learned. I am considering a 12 step recovery program for codependents, as I can’t find any narcissistic abuse recovery program anywhere. Toxic people are extremely damaging to the human psyche. The sooner we recognize the “red flags” and acknowledge our gut feelings, the sooner we can stay clear, and avoid the damage.

I sure hope we get to talk sometime ~ I notice your message is from March, but maybe you will come back here to post again.

You are a nurturer and a giver ~ receptive to giving and receiving love – and a sensitive person. Those are wonderful qualities to possess.

We must believe and know that we are bound for recovery, and that there are going to be brighter times, with loving people in our lives. And, in the meantime, we must be sure to keep being there for ourselves, treating ourselves to the dignity and respect we deserve.

I have been abandoned by some I considered friends, some family, right when I needed support the most. But abandoning ourselves – is never an option. This recovery process takes time, but we have already taken the first positive step in the journey.

I sure appreciate this site, the articles, and the supportive people here who are sharing their stories and insights. cheryle

I think I am married to one. I have been married now for 2years. At first he used to pick quarrels with me so he wouldn’t touch me, I thought he was gay, but then I figured out, he was using me for the money and begging him to be intimate with me was a control tool. It seems when I give him money or buy him stuff in a month, he will then do it with me. The thing is I was trying to get pregnant, and he held that over my head. I had no choice it was either I beg or no chances of even hoping to be pregnant. He even told me, he is not attracted to me and he could be with me for a year without touching me, i asked him , then why did you marry me, he said I was available.. Oh mine. I started feeling so unattractive, I am a good looking woman. I started thinking maybe getting bigger b**bs to Match up with the Ladies he watches in the P**n movies, yes by the way he was into p**n when I met him. But I did not know this, he told me, a woman has to throw himself at him to sleep with her. I just thought it will be better with me. I told him recently I am not giving him any Money and you know, he totally stopped talking to me and not sleeping on same bed with me. This is the 7th month. I know he wants me to beg but I am done. I am getting a divorce.

Yes I am sure God led me to this sight. I am the daughter of a narcissist, and then had the naivety to marry one, probably because there was a comfort level there unfortunately. My mother and my step-father (her third husband) moved 18 times in their 18 year marriage. So, of course they were my biggest influences since after all we never stayed anywhere long enough to set down roots. My mother has had multiple marriages and affairs. The majority of them were conveniently timed around the time I was becoming an adult and struggling with addiction. Oh, and our family business was going under. Life crisis maybe?? One of the people she had an affair with was one of the first people I met in A.A. I was 19 and starting to get a grasp on my recovery. She couldn’t even control herself for the sake of my sobriety. Of course she blamed him. Then, she stayed with my step-father another year, just to have another affair, and hand me a key to tell me she “was moving to an apartment, and I could come if I want to.” Meaning she’s been secretly having an affair, and wanted to end her 18 year marriage to the man who had raised me-not my bio father. Then she acted like I was the one who had the issue when I relapsed and didn’t want to attend her new family’s holiday parties. Once again, it was all about her! Still to this day she doesn’t see the point in trying to work through any of our issues. So as it stands I had to leave my husband, and come back to live with her and her spouse. I was an only child so I have no one else to turn to.

My husband on the other hand was abused and severely neglected as a child, so he has adopted the master manipulator/narcissist personality as a coping mechanism. I have had to leave him multiple times, because the stress is overwhelming. He has accused me of sleeping around from the beginning of our relationship, and I stayed because I reacted out of anger and didn’t want that to be my final decision. Unfortunately he still thinks that I am unfaithful, and assumes that’s the reason I left him. Hilarious! It couldn’t be HIS behavior! I have never been unfaithful, but that doesn’t matter! Not to mention, he used to accuse me of m*****bating in my sleep! I don’t even m*****bate! It’s rediculous! If I speak up for myself he equates me to his pitty-partying abusive drug addict father! IF I don’t keep the house perfect I am like his hoarding mother! (She was actually on the show Hoarders) I can’t even make friends because I’m so ashamed of our relationship. If we didn’t have two children together I would have been gone long ago. I feel trapped, and I have wasted so much time just trying to convince myself that it would work out. I am afraid I’ll cave again like last time. I know that everything is fine until he comes back into the picture, and then it gets bad almost immediately. I need to get out of my mother’s house so badly. Thank God they built on an addition for my grandparents before they passed so that we could live at least partially seperate. I need to get out of here so badly, but I have been a stay-at-home, homeschooling Mom for the last 4 years! Before that we moved to Chicago area where he was transferred, and left My job, and My college behind. He knows that I have wanted a permanent place to live since I’ve never had that, and he’s never been willing to really work toward that. He lets his job decide where and how we will live! We moved to Chicago, for HIS promotion, which ended being more of a burden for me because I was 10 hours away from any family members, and he worked 6 days a week mostly for 10+ hours, which makes him sound really great, but he sacrificed us to do that. He was always difficult, never allowed me to or encouraged me to do anything that I WANTED to do, and always found a way to tear down what I was doing. In addition, he never helped out at home, and I was always left with the child care, home care, yard care, etc. If there was something fun to do in the house he wanted to do it. He made a big deal about everything that I wanted to do and never supported me in regard to my desires or dreams. Now that I have taken a step to pursue my interests he is “in support” of me because he doesn’t want to look like a jerk. It’s all about how he looks and he has been a master of hiding the truth, and getting people to believe he’s really a good guy. Ugh! I have no idea how to combat this! I am a Christian believer, and I am hoping that God will deliver me from both circumstances. I am desperate!

Im in the middle of hell and wish he was normal 🙁 After dating seriously for 4 months he literally dropped me once for 2 months, then came back. I felt so greatful he wanted me back. SO STUPID! I moved in with him after a year and he changed fast. Told people I was crazy he actually got so crazy out of control I called poilce. He moved out of his home and his own mother paid me to leave saying ” he cannot handle it and I should go if he scares me that much”! A grown man had his mom face me. Hurt abandoned and still unsure how I was so horrible to him (believing he must be right) I came close to suicide…And when Im getting stronger he calls and Im so pathetic I fall for it an drop off whatever crap he wanted or whatever excuse he made to call. I honest to god want his aproal but I know I wont get it. He actually has asked me to come have sex…literally near a dump and wear heels.. lol no way! I say no and the crazy part is he is not upping the anti.. he wants out door rushed degrading sex and nothing more. Not even pretending at this point. I refuse and am so hurt deeply crushed by how cruel he can be. Im shocked by his clear refusal to accept my pretty sad boundrys ( but at least I have some) Im crushed because after it all I still feel like Im really not a good enough woman. When will this honestly end.Im not strong enough yet to not read his texts emails or answer his calls. I have stayed strong in refusing to see him. I just dont get it..if you want something from someone would you not intice them?I want out of this mind boggling, heart breaking hell! Advice for someone trying but not as strong yet as you all are?

Shan…. one primary word… RUN. Stay out and be grateful. It was never you or about you. Sounds harsh but its true. You got burned but escaped being incinerated. Please trust me. Im stuck with my narc husband financially and my kids were already taken and im trying to get them back… I have to bite bullet and jump off the cliff and hope everything will turn out. I have a restraining order but he worked himself back in. He is Jekyll and Hyde as it suits him. Ultimately I have to change locks while hes at work and somehow make it financially…. but need to rent a room in my 3bd house to make it…. cant find anyone yet.. im so scared. Be grateful and run please. I just recently gained knowledge that I was raised by5 narcissistic mother.. they are alike yet they hate eachother.. funny really. My normal loving father died 3 yrs ago. Been with this psycho off and on since 2009, married april of last year after living together 2months. His actions and words are too many to write, I could write a book… maybe I will. Run girl and he grateful. Im 31 with 3 children, , ages 3, 7, and 9. Ive had two narc relationships apparently… in addition to my relationship with lunatic mother… I wish I had had this knowledge sooner… good luck….

Yes , I completely agree … “run”. There is only one way to get away from one of these and that is to block them from any form of contact. 3 Brass monkeys. Hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. You have to make sure you do none of these in relation to him. I’ve been there for 9 years. I could write a book and still feel that people would peg me for an idiot for staying and putting up with it. Change the locks , get a restraining order, get bars on the windows (whatever it takes)… change your number or even move if you can. But above all don’t engage with him. I’ve even been threatened with a bullet to the back of my head when I’m not looking. All just temper tantrum coz I walked away. My father was one also. Hence he seemed like home. You’ll be ok. I kept telling myself that and you know I actually am much better than I was. Thankfully I’m lucky that he was so spiteful as to reject parentage of our son that I don’t have to deal with him in regards to the only wonderful thing there was from it. I wish you and your lovely children the best. Try and be strong coz there are good things to come and you won’t even have to fight that hard to have them. Its all about not going backwards. I wish someone told me that too.

Met on pof. Thought he waz sporty type. Wrong. He has gone on & on about how bad his ex’s are/were. His mum even said oh he has been unlucky I love! He is 47 & babyed by his dad mum & especially his sister. I told him tbey his family all walk on egg shells around him. He says its me trying to vring him down. He is cold emotionally. He has withdrew himself in bed no cuddlez accusing me of hugging quilt. Getting angry with me if I even move in bed. He gets ul to toilet and as he walks past the he has to straighten the quilt wtf. Anyhow he haz just sneaked around my back & took all his stuff out of my houze. He has been blackening my name to whoever will listen. He has been in touch and its all my fault. I dont listen to him I make him feel he is lower than the dogs. He says I talk over him & I am having affairs & he checkz to see if am back on pof. He paints himself as a victim. Is cold emotionally isnt really into sex but when he is he c**s & that is it no intimite moment of a cuddle he cant handle leaving himself inside me for a moment he just haz to move away. I can just cut me out his life even if am crying begging him. He goes back to his family who all ponder to his every wimb. He knows ive got no family. He just couldnt care less. He has left me this time when I have a million things I need done & help with. He is cold hearted very always angry & his said to me one time when I was jessing around with him she said dont wind him up in front of him. So obviously he then plays up & starts to shout at his mum & me. His dad does nothing letz his son shout and bawl. He is a strict dad to hiz 2 boys wbo both have aspergers he is constantly bringing his ex down in front of her boys. His said to me at the start “so your going to take my so on then?” Weird thing to say. She also said she couldnt have him living in the house with her. This is meant to be a close loving family. He is genuinlh blessed with a family who adore the ground he walks on.

I miss him but not really cause I am constantly having to fit into his way. Never much tbought for me. But I am constantly accused of not being there fir poor him etc

My ex is a narc for sure. I thought he was bipolar or something else, but I realize what he is.

We were together for 2 years and he charmed me, he tried to impress me with lies, spent lots of money on me, had me driving over and hour to see him, talked about having kids, marriage, I met his family fast. It’s funny because I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and told my narc that I just wanted to have fun and nothing serious. he insisted that we were dating while I said we were just hanging out. he placed me high in the air and said I was his top priority. Once I was hooked, he started being standoffish. He disappeared a lot and had no logical explanation. He constantly had his hands on his phone, and he would break dates. He would say he felt sick a lot, but he really was cheating.

Sexually, he wanted lots of attention from other females. He flirted in front of me so much that I had to tell him to stop. He always thought females wanted him. he was reluctant for me to move in with him because he hid so much. Once I moved in, I saw he was receiving many late night calls from women who were married or in relarionships. he also would talk sexually to women on phone games and instead if sleeping, would be on his phone. He even told a friend from the Internet that he would have sex with her if her bf couldn’t do it right. he carried on with a home wrecker who was a cheater, he spoke to her online. he had her sending him pix. I had taken care of him because he had surgery andhe was talking to her. He had a m****bàtion addiction, Everytime I left the room to make him breakfast or to shower or run an errand, he m****bated. I walked in on him several times. I did a google username search and found out he was on dating websites claiming to be single. I also discovered he was buying really expensive women’s clothes. High heels and everything like shoes that costed $700. He is a cross dresser. He lied and said he didn’t do it anymore, but his eBay account said a recent date and I found 6 trash bags if women’s clothes. he hid them in his car at times. He lost his job and I was working and he was dressing up in them when I was gone. He began picking fights with me and disappearing and coming back the next morning. I believe he was cheating. he became abusive because I knew too much and would refuse to accept his behavior. Ended up pregnant and he made it hell. He abused me and has the nerve to say I made him angry and I was putting our baby in danger. he used to say sorry for abusinf me and buy me flowers, but that all stopped and he would pretend he did nothing. I even filed a domestic case against him while pregnant with a restraining order. He violated the order and pretended he would change so I would not testify. I was stupid and thought he would change. We got back together and I had our baby. if was fine the first 2 weeks with the baby, I was recovering from c section and he began calling me lazy. I was the one up the most with the baby and he slept, stayed for free at my dads house, jobless. he said I didn’t do things right, began saying I was crazy and needed my meds. We are broken up now and in a custody battle in court. He does nothing for his child and is on disability. He only spends money on himself and hangs out. He has been telling his family I’m crazy and abusive, that I needed counseling. I actually was the one to tell him counseling would be the only thing to get me to be with him and he mirrored me and told me and others that I had a her probs. this man has issues at work where he was fired for walking off of job whenever if he was angry, yelling at co workers and boss, cursing out boss and lying about being disabled. He’s being investigated and he won’t get a settlement. He’s been riding disability money and the gravy train is about to turn over. I’m glad to be done with him. He’s a freak! I am heartbroken though, I still love him. it’s funny, he put up a dating site when he was trying to work things out with me. He treats me like I’m nothing and only gives attention if I ignore him or move on. I’ve since exposed and humiliated him to his friends and family, he is in hiding.

Wow. I met my soon to be ex husband on pof. He lived an hour away from me. Im a christian and i went on two date with him. After that he had asked me to be his friend on facebook. Within a hour he text me red flag!! And says to look on my page. He had said we are dating without even asking me out. I confronted him about it and his response was im not in high school. I thought it was weird but silly. I told him about my past and he tried to give the the world. After we became sexual active which was stupid he told me he was married to me. Our kids met one weekend and On my way home he told me through a text that we could no longer be together that his son was not ok with sharing him. I laughed and said really. Then he called me and said I feel we need more time and i was scared I didnt mean it. He would bring up his past lovers and I would tell him i dont care about his past. We got married six months latter. I was stupid i tried to talk my self out of it but he was very convincing. Once we got married i moved to his town left my job and the hell began. His son and daughter could do no wrong, he would flirt with their mom and told me i was selfish to ask him to take me on a date. I had to pay for my own birthday gifts, and my kids too. He never once treated my kids like his own. When i met him i fell for the way he treated his kids. He allowed his kids to not lift a finger, talk down to me and my boys. He told me i was a bad lover thing I dont even want to repeat. He put my parents down, me down to his friends, the list goes on.. Right before our 2 yr ann I noticed he was acting strange. Coming home late, talking about going to the gym and how I never let him have his time. He told me we could not do anything for our anniversary because we didnt have any money. Then turns around and spend 300 dollars for his son to go to a church camp trip. At that moment something snapped in me. I gave him a piece of my mind and packed my s**t and walked out the door. He now tells everyone I abused his kids and him. That he was so miserable and lonely and has never felt like that in his whole life. There comes a time when you decide to love your self agin. You thought you where going crazy because they had you believing. Its sick that you could find yourself crying hoping that maybe they will want you agin. He abandoned me, discarded me as if I was nothing.. Now hes off doing it to someone new. Lord how I pray that she never feels like i did. God is great and I know he will get me through this. My life is going to slowly heal and this time if I ever decide to date im gonna take things as slow as possible.

My husband and I got married not even a year ago and now we are getting a divorce. We have been together 8 years and have two kids together. About 3 months ago I left him because he was having an affair. The affair started with him having his narcissistic home wrecker mistress coming to our home to give him “tattoos” they would stay up late while me and the kids slept in our bedroom. He threw me off guard because I never thought he would cheat on me let alone with a type of woman he despised. When I found out he went crazy on me and treated me like crap. Everyone that knew us including his family was shocked when they found out and could not understand what had happened and how he was acting. At first we blamed it on his pain pill addiction. I thank The Lord he got me out. In May 2013 I gave my heart to The Lord and I am so grateful and amazed at how much he has helped and prepared me through this. If it wasn’t for him I’d probably be depressed and be suicidal. To Jesus I am Worthy and he loves me and knowing this is healing to me. He knew how much I was suffering and rescued me. My ex was very good at deceiving me and others. He made me feel so special and made me feel like he truly loved me, he had me so fooled until I started to have dreams of his secret life. He was expert at hiding things from me and very convincing. He’s explanations for things i confronted him about were so believable so I always gave in. I thought I was happy but since I am a very sweet person and caring I hated when he would talk bad about everyone around him. He would neglect me sexually for weeks and say it was because he was stressed. Deep down I knew he watched p**n and masterbated instead of having sex with me. When he did want sex he would turn into a freak and in a manipulative way tried to get me to do really dirty things, things I didn’t agree with. He would say I was selfish and didn’t love him because I didn’t want to do those things. He would and continues to lie and twist the truth or blame everything on me. He hated when I cried in front of him and would flip out if anyone interrupted him but it was ok for him to interrupt others. I couldn’t be myself around him because I feared what he would say. I could only tell him how I felt through writing because if I talked to him about things it was a no win situation. He would make me feel guilty, and confuse me to where I second guessed my self. Separating was very painful because I didn’t understand how someone could be so cruel and evil and have no remorse. I could not understand how someone could go from one extreme to another from one day to another. I had no closure. So I researched and researched and recently found out about this NPD. I feel so hated by him but I feel sorry and sad for that soul that is trapped in that body with that Demon Jezebel. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel God is blessing me and Me and my kids are getting our life’s back together. It’s a new beginning!:) My heart breaks for all of you who are going through this. If you haven’t left them please LEAVE, though its a painful road it gets better. There is HOPE in front of you. Take this as a mistake learn from it and share what NPD is in Facebook so people will be aware and and warned before they fall in the narcissist trap. God help y’all heal and bless y’all abundantly.:)

Griselda, just wanted to thank you for all of the encouragement, and also ~ God got me out of the abuse, too! I had a break down one night, there’s just no way to explain how much I wanted to get away, and how afraid I’d become ~ and I got down on my knees and cried and talked to Him outloud ~ yes, for hours, sometimes just saying “please, please, save me,” over and over. I asked Him to save me from what was going on in that person’s home, and prayed all night long, in to the morning, that He would “get me out”. Well, that morning – it was my birthday – he was awake and I was still praying to God. He grabbed a few things, and said, “Now you can sleep all by yourself,” something like that. I said, “…..it’s my birthday,” and he said, “You don’t love me anymore, do you?!” I said, “No,” and he left his own home. I did love him – but he never cared about that, he just knew that when I said I didn’t love him – he couldn’t get that supply any longer – so I was worthless. It was all so much to bear. I wanted out. I was not mentally or physically ready to drive back across the country yet, and I stayed right there for two months, – alone – until my best friend flew out to drive back home with me. God heard and answered my prayer! He is “a very present help in trouble.” c

I was tricked by a Narc & I’m from a rough abusive background this sick personality was one that took every fiber and molecule of me and was destroying it like a cancer these people are the most unrealistic individuals to breathe atmosphere. Now, after several suicide attempts and breakdowns and feeling inferior to the so called beautiful women who were deemed ultimate and superior to me, I of course almost losing everything including money projects I was working on . FYI never tell a narc anything you consider sacred secret or a special dream or project, these nuts think they are it and will sabotage you. So I through therapy and integrating my physical abuse knowledge from the past which is tangible with this form of psychological abuse and spiritual war and mind warfare they wage, and became supercharged, and said bring it on!!! Nothing like fighting a narc, although I don’t condone and do not wish this amount of suffering on my worse enemy cuz they ain’t strong enough . Neither is a narc. Also my roots as who I am and what I can do help me immensely as a narc is proud and ego infused with there slob choices and sexual slobbery. I’m proud of surviving this freakishly ridiculous personality and proud of my super power of exposing a narc.. And ability to fight him, and his slob piggish way of acting towards human beings, treat em the same way he is filth and scum. Or this narc will take all your things money and life with a smile and parade his winnings with more stupid underlings.

I’ve been with a NARC for about 4 years now. Although there are aspects of the relationship that hurt me, confuse me. I see the description and the torture and pain inflicted on most of you and it has not been like that for me.

I have a big degree of empathy for him because he just like a drug addict does not see that he has a problem. He’s wired the wrong way.

I like most women started as a conquest. He even pushed me away in the beginning when he got the feeling that I wanted something more than casual sex. In the course of this relationship I can say we have build a solid friendship. I know that he would step out on a limb for me. He has.. Yes sometimes the friendship revolves around him. But, hey we all have friends that are not NARC and make everything about them.

I have been in his life long enough. To see the lazy susie of women that he has dated, and with the speed that they drop off the radar as they appear. For him there is no emotional connection a hunger of sorts as I see it. Just as described they are predators that go out for prey.

We do lots of things together, travel, exercise, holidays. I know that he genuinely enjoy us. He separates it of sorts.

He talks to me pretty much about everything. Not about feelings of course but, of how he thinks and for him when having sex there is no place for emotion. I try to explain to him lust only gets you so far but, what ties you are the emotional connections. He tries to understand but, simply can not. He is very loving towards me (mimicked behavior or not) He has always been a gentleman. Has he caused me pain–Yes, many times but, not intentional. Has he lied –Yes. But, has he told me the truth—Yes, many times as well even if the truth is ugly.

I love him in so many ways because he has opened my mind to the unconventional. He pushes me to be better and motivates me. Does he fill my emotional needs-Absolutely Not. I feel lonely at times. He tells me he loves me but, its a rarity sort of like a reassurance. He shows me by his actions, by are shared memories and he has opened himself to the ugly parts of him that no one has the courage to show anyone.

Our sex lately has been mediocre and we actually can sit and talk about it. Yes, I sometimes have to separate myself and see it as just talk -True talk. Talk that we all women want to hear our husbands speak but, they hold back to not hurt our feelings and yes sometimes things are better left unspoken.

In my case we talk it out. If I have been emotional or discuss how I feel. He looses that sexual hunger for me. Is this disfunctional –YES, Does he know that he has a problem–NO. Is he open to me saying that he has a problem–NO. Do I think people can be rewired–NO. People rarely change.

A narc reveals himself to hurt and becos he knows that he can get away with it. Its not the same as saying the truth becos we trust/share ourselves. Its more like dumping and gloating over the conquests.

I’ve been with my boyfriend a little over a yr now & he has a lot of narcissist traits. He can’t seem to understand that his words or actions hurt me sometime, that a person can only give so much & grow tired if giving if they never receive any thing back & yes he is always about his self.. but I refuse to believe that just giving up on him & walking away is the only thing to do, its that what maybe him this way in the first place, one or both of the people who are pose to be there & love him unconditionally just gave up & didnt show him love, & honesty how can someone possible know how to give or feel something they’ve never experience before & im sorry I also find it hard to believe that someone narcissism or not is incapable of at least seeing two people in love & seeing how happy & safe & content they are & not long to have or feel that for them selves. You people talk as though some one with narcissism are aliens or monsters that are not humans & don’t have human need . They need to eat they need water air sunlight blood to make there hearts pump every thing else in this words need to have some kind of love why cant they, & I don’t mean to disrespect anybody but maybe you just we not the right ones to show them, I just refuse to give up on the man I love & walk away thinking he will never know what love is & I love him & if hes really not capable of loving then ill spend my life without it too put I will never just give up on him & walk away like everybody else in his life has…

They do not feel love or long to have it. They do not care if their words or actions hurt – because they do not have EMPATHY. You can give and give and give – and they will take that “supply” ~ they cannot receive love. They lie – pathologically – they LIE, and you will not be able to change him into a loving, honest human being. They don’t want to change. They are entitled, and always right, and never sorry for any harm or destruction they cause. They project who they are onto those that try to love them. They are never to blame. They are never content – they are in a never ending cycle of a predator, hunting for prey, obtaining it, idolizing it, devaluing it and discarding it – when it’s of no use to them. Live with one long enough and you may feel like the alien and monster, and they will be with another who felt like you feel now. They have some human needs – love is not one of them. They must have admiration, but one person’s devotion is not enough ~ they need a large audience; many admirers. You believe you can be a role model for him and teach basic respect and decency to a grown man? You will not be loved and respected by a narcissist. It really makes no difference to him if you give up on him or not ~ there is always fresh supply, and finding it is one of his primary goals in life. They breath, bleed, and have a heart, brain, etc., but their TRUE self has been lost to them, and the false self is who they project to the world.

Kind words and right actions are important for good mental health. When their words become cruel and their actions deplorable, it’s harder to keep loving them. You may begin to see your self differently, too.

The deception is that it seems they build you up – it feels that way for a time – but destruction is inevitable. Any good relationship is built on a foundation of trust. They are not trustworthy.

Hi Cheryle. Your well written comments are absolutely spot on and sum up my ex so accurately. I wish I had understood this ‘condition’ before as I’ve always questioned MYSELF for the problems in our relationship and have lost a lot of self esteem from what I’ve gone through over the last 2 years.

It’s so true that narcissists are charming and the highs with a narcissist (and the sex!) can be the best you’ve ever experienced. But, in the end, it’s all about them and manipulating you for their own needs. My ex will never realize that his behaviour is unacceptable because narcissists have absolutely zero empathy. Yes, they can feign empathy sometimes, but it’s only to get what they want from you. They tend to be very intelligent and know how to play on your weaknesses.

I discovered he was cheating just 2 weeks ago with a woman we actually met while we were together at a friend’s Birthday dinner. We’d just had a fabulous, relaxed weekend together where he was being very affectionate towards me, holding my hand, etc, and lots of physical closeness and good sex. Then 3 days later, he invites this girl to his place for sex. I’ve suspected for quite a while that he has been playing the field, but this was the first real proof that I had. I felt absolutely gutted as you can imagine and also quite disgusted that she would sleep with him, knowing that he was in a relationship with me. Though I imagine he was very persuasive and told her otherwise. Narcissists lie about almost EVERYTHING!

The thing is that it makes you question yourself – ‘Why wasn’t I good enough?’, ‘Why would he do that when we just spent a fantastic weekend together?’, ‘What did I do wrong?’- it almost drives you crazy trying to figure it out. But it’s not about YOU, it’s about THEM and their constant need for approval and feeling desired by as many women as possible. Narcissists are takers not givers and it’s impossible to change them because they are ‘happy’ as they are.

Another thing to watch out for is, because of their addictive personalities, they tend to overuse social media a lot! My ex was never off Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, etc, and I knew he was being secretive because he was always checking his phone, putting it on silent when he was with me and sending sneaky messages early of a morning and late at night – clearly not something he would be doing with his male friends. He would carry his phone everywhere with him, even into the bathroom, and it was placed face down at all times. Of course, if I ever asked him who he was messaging at such times (which I rarely did) he would react very angrily and make out that I was being too ‘needy’. When you get attacked verbally like that, you stop asking questions. That’s why they turn it round on you. Social media has made it so easy for people to cheat these days and you can be sure that a narcissist will take full advantage of this! He would even sit across the table from me at breakfast looking at semi-pornographic photos of women on Instagram and would often make sexual comments about other women while we were out. But this is done just to undermine your self confidence and exercise control over you. Quite sad really!

Like so many people who have commented here, I thought that if I made less ‘demands’ of him and sacrificed my own needs, that he would somehow realize the error of his ways and start appreciating what he had with our relationship. Of course, I now know that will never happen. When I confronted him about having sex with that woman, he never said a single word to me (quite heartbreaking after being together for 2 years) but I know he will have no feelings of guilt or wrong-doing and will have already moved on with this woman – his next ‘victim’. At least I can feel slightly comforted that he will eventually do the same to her and it was nothing that I did wrong.

So, I’ve decided not to put myself through the pain anymore of being picked up and then dropped suddenly by him for no apparent reason (he’s split up with me, completely out of the blue, 6 times in the last 2 years), and I’ve now blocked him completely from my life. I’m emotionally exhausted and just can’t do it anymore! It won’t be easy, because I loved him dearly and gave him absolutely everything I could. But, clearly, it wasn’t enough and never would be! Narcissists get bored very quickly and constantly need excitement in their life. The pursuit of other women is one of the easiest ways to get this stimulation that they crave.

Despite everything, I haven’t given up hope and in time will feel ready for a relationship with someone who treats me with love, honesty and respect. We all deserve that, don’t we…

I and my lovely wife have been having a lot of problem living together, she will always not make me happy because she have fallen back in love with her ex outside our marriage, i tried my best to make sure that she let go of her ex this woman but the more i talk the more she makes me feel sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because she no longer gives me attention,she lies a lot,she comes home late at night.So with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my wife again. The spell caster told me what i will do to get my wife back, so he told me that he was going to make all things normal back.he did the spell on my wife and after 3 days my Wife changed completely she even apologize with the way she treated me that she was not her self, i really thank this priest for helping me his name is Priest Ajigar he have bring my wife back and she no longer see her ex boyfriend again i want you all to contact him who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem he will solve it for you his spells are pure and he does not do black or dark magic. his emai:priestajigarspells@live.com

I was surprised that I did not see the word “entitled” in this post. I believe my ex to be a narcissist, and my main complaint of him sexually was that he felt entitled to my body. After being broken up from him for a couple years now and realizing his patterns of narcissism, I thought that his sexual entitlement was a part of that.

I know, from being married to a man who has NPD, that they certainly only care about their needs being met. he used to tell me that i “wasn’t showing him enough love”, or I wasn’t showing him enough passion”. Really now, he had the nerve to , not only ever listen to anything i had to say, or care about anything that mattered to me, but I lacked passion for him! Maybe I did, i finally figured out…it was all about him, what he wanted and that was it. I did fall out of love with him. It made it so much easier for me to leave him. I knew, he wasn’t going to get any better, nor could anything I have done caused him to treat me like he did. yet..i was always the one blamed, like his relationships before, they were also to blame. i had realized, he had some very serious issues, long before I left him..just didn’t know what it was.I do now. I am thankful for finally seeing him in his true light.Although, he never wanted to be exposed for who he really was…is.that is their greatest fear, that and abandonment. Maybe they know, with abandonment, comes the truth. that is why he spread so many terrible lies on me, he had to keep his false self looking good to the world. thing was, my family had long figured out…he wont about s**t! They laughed at him behind his back, for thinking he was something he wasn’t. “family man”, that’s what he called himself…wouldn’t work in a pie factory, nor pay bills…we went without food many many times. All because of ‘family man”, being that wonderful man…he thought he had fooled the world with! Turns out, he got fooled in the end! i let him know, i wasn’t going to allow myself to continue to be his victim, his cheerleader. he had never gave me any reasons why he would be responsible, stop hitting me, or work…support his family. So, in the end…he exploded into a rage, that continued to February this year, 14 years later.My son called me, not long ago, his dad..in the background, started screaming horrible things to me, telling me that “I need Jesus!” that same horrible, evil man..died with cancer, right after that. He kept his rage, yet he blamed me for it…til his very last breath! He took that with him, yet…he told me that i needed Jesus in my life. Someone with so much rage and deep hatred, they are the last people who need to preach to someone! he had even been so evil to the Hospice nurse, she left..came back only to make sure he was dying comfortley! That’s taking it with you to the grave folks! So glad that i woke up, many years ago…and got the hell out of hell!

I’m glad you got out of HELL TOO!!!!!! sounds like you endured a lot. it is sad how they never get it right. but they don’t and can’t know love -ever!!! iT NEVER WAS BE;CAUSE OF HIM BEING WITH YOU. YOU WERE JUST THE LUCKY ONE TO GET MIXED UP WITH HIM. KNOW THAT! it would have been someone…… trust me. hope you are doing great now? you deserve it!!

You are using his and he like men are the narcissist. Lots of women aren’t understanding of people especially men who make different lifestyle decisions. Your inability to understand other people’s point’s of view means you lack empathy. You support your way of life and dread changes and improvements that could make it better for “BOTH” sexes.

TrueRelgion LOL Do you mean sexuality? It’s not about that i’ts about having zero empathy. Having feelings for other people would make it better for all humankind and animals for that matter. We are talking about people who purposefully make the men or women that they are with as doomed to fail , inferior and charm them like a spider even if they are not that attractive. They get insulted not angry…as if all is about them even if the person they are with is struggling and workingn.I am thinking that perhaps some cultures foster this as really clever technique training to find the right “DUPE” woman who is sexy, kind and a good listener and they love outsmarting them. It’s probably worse now that we might not know who we are dating and all their history and Narcs pick women like me, someone who is a good judge of character but they just pull it off.

Been in almost 3 year relationship with a make narcissist. He has told me forever that his ex was narci. Insisted i should read about it. I never took it seriously Cuz I Thot why do I care what his ex does or is..? He is a physical therapist a myofascial release specialist. Most of his are women and they LOVE him. He had NO empathy for anything going on in my life, which really isn’t much anymore cuz his stuff takes up ALL my time . I think he even invents s**t for me to do. Just so I’m wAiting on him for everything. He Does NO household chores unless. We get into a major fight. Last night was a big one. He said he hated me and that I was a mental case. This was after church! About one year ago he hired a nice looking skinny married women who adores him and his treatments. He even told me that she really keeps him from touching her all over Cuz she is a GOOD woman. My friend told me this woman is GIDDY after her massage. Any way he had let her book a trip to Orlando. Which is OUR favorite destination. We have been there 8 times in the past two years . Said she was going to a billing seminar for the cost of 3k. She is a part time employee. Works 2 days a week. That I know of …. He has filed for bankruptcy 6 times and is in contempt of court for not paying spousal support. He pays child support. But nothing for the ex. However he will buy groceries for them pay utilities etc. He spent over 5k on Black Friday online . Gives me NO money I do what I can buying groceries for us .. Says he is faithful to me. But. V***ra comes up missing all the time .. I count them. We barely ever have sex. Just oral sex that’s it. Spends tons of money on me and his kids. And I mean tons. A normal weekend. Is around 1-2K buying retail anything. Buys guns all the times. Explains to me graphically how he wants to kill his ex. Pretty scary stuff. I love him dearly. But I’m gonna have to leave him :((

I was involved with a guy a few years ago that seems to fit into all the descriptions of a N. I haven’t been involved with him for 2 1/2 years and glad that I’ve been able to extricate myself. This article helps unravel one of the great mysteries for me. While he and I had what was supposedly for both of us spectacular sex and intimate time together he could only take it for once or twice a month, then disappear. Id hear from him a few weeks later and eventually we’d see each other again, which wasn’t so bad for me cuz i lived in a separate city. In time it became longer and longer time between the phone contact and the intimate rendezvous. I realized something was wrong with this despite our chemistry and broke it off. He still contacts me in hopes of rekindling things but I’m always a no go. Glad to be 2 1/2 year out from that point of no return.

Do not feel bad. I have been with a narcissist for almost 14 years but we do not live together. He gets insulted angry and tends to put me down. we have split up endless times. In the beginning he would say ” I will be devastated if you leave me” Later he proposed and took it back because I asked him for a favor, if he would run an emergency errand to a radio shack. It freaked him out. I really liked him and he was charming but not that attractive short and fit sort of but not in the way we think as ideal but he brags about his exercise routine ad nauseum and wants everybody to be like him.. Our children were grown but it is all about what he wants. no couple friends only do activities that interest him and seems resentment when my friend visit. He was lucky I like to do many things but then he would only like to do them AT HIS TIME TABLE.

Since i have no relatives I guess that’s perfect and he does and I am nice the perfect narcisstic supply.. Plus a horrible thing happened in my marriage and I finally started dating him, really horrible.. He seemed fine with it – it was not me but I think he thought perfect target, only an elderly mum and children heading to college. PERFECT! Control freak, has basically only said negative things to me never anything like you like nice anymore or complimenting me on skills like he did in the beginning. He feels and is correct that it is better to break people down. When someone says you have beautiful skiin to me he says, oh yes i have to admit she does have beautful skin, meaning that he thinks I am not that great but neither is he but that’s not my deal. People say you go out with that really old guy, he is only 1 year older than me but he aged very badly. I am not someone that would leave a person for that. I knew him at a different time so accept him but he thinks it’s fine for him.

He does pay for dinners to make him look good to my friends. Fortunately he did not have time to damage my children as they were well on their way even though they suffered trauma from their father we had a stable family situation due to me doing what I could, changing jobs etc. They had a normal family environment with not mixed signals. he never really cared what his children were good at or wanted.

The worst thing he did I cannot say. Usually it is all about control. He is not an extreme narcissist but he lacks empathy, never thinks of other people like I am going to the store that you want to go to and you are swamped at work, can I pick something up? These types of things do not occur to him He has money so he plans things but he requires that one do all on his terms. This has been a very long term relationship. However if I could tell someone what happened recently and how I have retreated to my home job, it would be shocking to anyone! My own children think I need to find another person or go away since no one understands his crazy anger or hostility in my family but his family knows to shut up to stay in the will I guess. He made so many promises to me to get back with me but he never told me I had to do all that he said, follow all his recommendations.

Anything can anger him like me drinking the first cup of tea or coffee and he doesn’t get the strongest portion then he will add water to make mine weaker because he thinks he deserves the best This is a new behavior. He has to feel important, special and he was a smart man. He picks male friends that are not as smart as he is in order to feel more important. Now he is old and retired and rather than feelling better about himself he blames me for all sorts of things. He promises to do things but unless I remind him to assist me, he does not do it. He is not an extreme case but he has screwed up my mind in that I feel horrible about myself and constantly criticized for minor things. It is horrible because it has lasted a long long time and he has isolated me except with his family that know the rules about how to handle him and get what they need from him. They are great people just walking on egg shells. I think his own father per his mother was a narcissist so that is the story. Boring nothing too exciting except he has broken up with me many times and so have I but fewer times .I am all alone. My friends have moved retired and I am luckily in my own place. Plus I have no rights in this long term relationshp. Promises but nothing in writing. It is not normal for any man. His wife left him for another man and it’s understandable to me that she wanted a caring man that really loved her. He will never forget that. He traveled a lot to avoid child rearing…He loves his children but I would not say he would do anything for them. He is complicated and I would say 45% narcissitic at least. Perhaps my own father had some of these rage tendencies but he was not a grudge holder for silly things and would laugh them off. I guess that is what confused me. My father was a great man who had a horrible family life so it’s more understandable than a pampered genius.

DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE ON A MAN OR WOMAN WHO HAS NO EMPATHY I notice lately he feels sorrier for dogs than people though he does not have a dog. If he watches the news and it’s not about “his tribe” he thinks OMG how do these people survive.

This being said, being a quasi-narc he does have good traits that are better than some which explains the fact that both his ex and i had spend many wasted years with him When she divorced hiim he sandwiched the children in the middle, got insulted though they were young and thought it was all about him…they even say that their mother put up with him for a long long time. he is able to stride it but unfortunately if you do one thing that he sees has ruined something simple things…well all I can say that many of my friends think it is very unhealty. right not it’s OVER again for the smallest thing….

I recently contacted a doctor named Ekaka i find his email: ekakaspelltemple @yahoo.com on the internet so i decided to contact him for help in my relationship he ask me to send him my details which i did after that he told me that the gods revealed something to him and he told me everything that was revealed to him and he told me what he was going to do that after three days my relationship became sweet again and the person that was behind my problem came to beg me for forgiveness which was my mother in-law. i and my love are happy again including my mother in-law and we are planning to have a party for this Easter… thanks to Dr. Ekaka

I got involved with someone I suspect has NPD after my marriage ended. I can’t even reach out to say Happy Birthday (after not seeing him for 4 years)without him starting to send me pictures of other women, he is seeing, trying to get me back emotionally involved with him. I tried early February after having no contact for 8 months. Immediately, I told him I am no longer interested in you, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday – and then the pictures, etc … horribly damaged people. They play on your emotions like a fiddle .. if you are compassionate they use that against you. Very odd.

This should have clued me in but i was unaware at the time of who my prince charlming really was. Sexually sadly it was all about him and his dick. I made comment in favor of his dick being a good size and working well and that was it. He was everywhere with his dick after that. He sent me a few nice dick pics recently but he messed up. I hit reply all and other peoples email addresses came up too. I wasnt the only one getting a up close look at his happy and firm manhood. I of course asked him why and he completely denied it. I didnt think he wpukd tell truth.

If mine is narc he did both. Lied about watching p**n and when caught said he had memberships but they were set up by his son… And he didn’t watch p**n… He viewed it… Fast forwarding p**n I guess is the same as not watching it… He did tell me about meth and truthfully I found a guy I was searching for plus I did not see him do it or notice a issue until after married… We did meth together a few times… My body was full of wanting sex and he said he used with all ex’s basically but said I was only one he ever had sex with on meth. That was so hard for me to believe… How could that be and why waste on people for no gift for him. He was overly sexual ams always wanting me… Oral for days if I wanted… But I felt he never did more than go straight to my crotch… There was no caressing or getting me worked up before touching me. Idk if he was narc or not but he fits most things to a T. He lied, tell shitty reasons as he called them while I said excuses, had females texting and would erase evidence then say it was a fake app to get me jealous… Who does that?? Fake calls and texts talking about how shitty of a wife I am and that he just loves me so much… Poor victim… Offered me to friends as I packed up making it seem like I was w***e. Always had pics of ex’s that just seemed to pop up and he would say he forgot they were there… Had a marriage and child with a young female and then said she got pregnant to give him a child as a thank you for helping her… WTF??? Sound reasonable?? Then of course court papers with them fighting… Well that story was screwed but he kept with it. Plus finding pics 6 months ago of the two of them… Well for not having sex except like three times he sure had a nice roll of film… But he said she did it ans he found it and kept it… AGAIN WTF?? Most times I just laugh and get mad… He was so ridiculous with his words… Plus I swear he had his own dictionary… Its as if he had very different meanings to words that Webster’s dictionary disnt have either. So weird… My song for him was cry me a river by just in Timberlake… He could cry… But one time he cracked me up was crying over me not wanting to be together anymore but then a few minutes later wanted me to bring in a computer fkr him to watch p**n… He said he needed to change the way the situation was… I guess p**n fixes everything… Alwaya demanding sex… Rude and not affectionate when wanting me to want to give him sex. Get mad and throw a fit… Tell me I don’t want him anymore well not when I think I’m gonna have sex with a pisser 2 yr old. Not hott. Anyone deal with things like that????

I’m a narcissist, an atypical type. There are two mains types, covert/vulnerable and overt/grandiose. Of the overt type there are two subtypes, cerebral and somatic. With me, I was originally covert, then I become overt and switched between somatic and cerebral sources *depending on the circumstances. (Yeah, what a hot mess…) Then both cerebral and somatic sources of narcissistic supply eventually failed me and I am now a broken down middle-aged narcissist with no source of supply, and I am in despair. I am looking back on the train-wreck otherwise known as my life, and looking at things from my partners’ perspectives for the first time. I am no longer their victim, but they are mine.

I’m not bragging here – I am actually kind of grateful that I am even TRYING to look at things from the perspective of others. Is this TRUE empathy? I don’t know – I can’t say. But I really (really really really) don’t want to be a person who just makes people feel crappy, used, sad, neglected, abused or abandoned.

I know my ex-wife won’t come back. She’s smart – she knows that despite me trying very hard to change and be a good dad and better person, I have not changed. I still am who I am… I am what I am – right down to the very core. But, when she says that I am a good dad to our kids (well, much better dad) I don’t feel happy or proud. I just feel terribly sad. Like devastated sad. I think I know why: when I was a kid certain emotional needs were just not met. Plain and simple. And where I should have learned that people CAN meet my emotional needs, and be trusted, and “win win” relationships could be established, I learned that the world was soul-less, cruel, arbitrary, callous and unfeeling, so I became this way myself. I did this because I thought I needed to – just to survive. This happened when I was just a kid… I was not malicious or evil, my mind just came up with this defense mechanism. So, when I think of myself as the victim of a soul-less, cruel, arbitrary, callous and unfeeling world, I am simply projecting onto others what I myself have become. Sure, the odd person *IS* terrible (like other narcissists maybe!) but most people are not. To this day I have a hard time believing this.

For those who will never get a sincere apologize from their ‘n’, I am really sorry, and I hope you can get out and get help. You are a codependent (probably) but there is hope for you. You see, you are hurting but there is a silver lining there – the point is you can FEEL. Your ‘n’ cannot feel anything but remorse, guilt, shame, sadness and mostly self pity.

You’re dealing with a perpetually hurt zombie, except instead of brains he is seeking “supply” in the form of false validation that he extracts from his unknowing victims.

And with zombies, the only thing that will work is getting away. So just get away. And find people who are capable of love.

I realize this comment is very old, but thank you so much for this. I have dated two narcissists in a row, and yes, I am codependent. The first one took so long and so much strength to get rid of that I purposely stayed single for two years while raising our child alone until the second one just kind of appeared in my life–literally showed up on my front porch. He seemed perfect for me in every way, we had so much in common, but in reality he was wrong in every way. He is, from what I’ve read, textbook somatic narcissist, and our time together sounds almost identical to most these posts. In our 4 months “together” he did more damage to my psyche than the entire 5 years I spent with the previous one, who I assume would be covert. It’s been 7 months since he last cut me off on a whim, and I decided to be strong and not accept him back, even though he has tried once a week for all these months. Reading all of these letters has definitely helped me to understand him and heal myself. I really started to believe that I was the one with the problem, that he was just a modern man living the life. I always suspected he is this way because of childhood trauma (most likely a cold, stern, alcoholic mother), and his adult-onset alcoholism definitely adds fuel to the fire. I am no longer angry at him, I only pity him (as a good codependent would). I don’t believe he will ever find happiness, and at his advancing age, the likelihood of him finding more “sources” gets slimmer and slimmer. I have read a few articles from narcissists who, through therapy and help from a strong, patient partner, have learned to cope with this dysfunction. I wish you luck in finding balance in your life.

I have been seeing a narcissist for the past year. He wanted to be with me (I guess), but we haven’t got to that stage yet. Happily, I saw through his games before that and decided to end things. So we were only dating, we had sex a few times.

Mind-games he played are just impossible to describe. He proposed to me, then it turned he is seeing someone else (and he forgot to tell me), he insisted that he didn’t really propose, he told me that his proposal was a theoretical conversation about his idea of a relationship! He used to talk to me about sex with this other girl, how amazing it is and what a beautiful young body she has. He was doing everything exactly the way I didn’t want him to (e.g. shaving, when I told him I like beard, wearing clothes that I told him I don’t like). He was looking for a BF for me, so that I don’t think he wants to be with me. He even lied about having more girls than he actually had (to either make me jelaous or not show his interest in me, I don’t know). He used to withdraw (really withdraw – no contact suddenly) with no explanation and then he’d come back after some time. No contact was his response to everything (every fight, every complaint, any problem that may appear). He couldn’t understand that I feel upset about his behavior and treated my emotions as irrational and offensive against him.

It’s a month now since I broke up with him. He refused to see me (after one of our fights), so I broke up with him via email, but in a very elegant and nice way. It was the nicest email I have ever written. Of course, no reply (which I find very rude) and he is doing weird things after the break-up (like bothering my co-workers).

Of course, I feel damaged. But I’m healing. And I am really grateful that I saw through him before we really got into a relationship, as I can imagine that I would be in a much worse state.

I was with my n for near 2 years. Like yours he proposed MANY times BUT he was just “play acting”! He wanted me to move in but that “wasn’t what he meant by that”. He only had a shave on days he wasn’t seeing me….etc. He said he didn’t email, so we couldn’t communicate that way but yet we met online!!! He would be unable to see me for 10 days at a time…busy?! Didn’t text, yet he texted his daughter and ex wife, then later texted me with text speak I didn’t use myself. He used subtle and not so subtle ways to make me feel inferior and to make me do hid bidding….with not as much success as he would have liked.The list goes on.

He could really act though and it was hard to pinpoint what was going on for a long time, he told me in the beginning he had funny ways…he certainly did and at first I thought he was on the aspergers scale as he had no perception of anyone elses feelings, it took a while to fathom as he had so many mind games and switched between them. For my own sake I set a few “tasks”. One was – he asked pointedly about birthday sex, so I said , on his birthday it would be whatever he wanted…there was a terrific glint in his eye, when he repeated my offer back to me! I said yes, well I can trust you can’t I. Well all I can say is never again, I felt degraded and uncomfortable, as in what he wanted to do hurt, it wasn’t really sex, just discomfort – BUT it taught me something about him that I needed to know. I was a big step closer to being sure and a month later something else happened and I was absolutely sure and I finished it.

I have learned a fair bit about Mothers as well, would you believe I received a 2 page letter a week later from his Mother, she is furious with me….how could I finish with him and how dare I suggest to him that he was having sex with someone else, disgusting, I am a silly woman!

I need a man in my life to be a rock, he was shifting sands and now a month later I am getting to feel better. Looking after myself.

If you realise that you are with an n male or female. Make the decision to leave but do not tell them. Take some power back, keep it to yourself and choose the best moment to end the relationship. They will likely throw a tantrum, or throw themselves on your mercy crying as if their life is about to end BUT if you were to go around the corner they would put the TV on and watch it! Don’t be fooled.

Before I realised what I was up against mine would appear to cry his heart out if we had a tiff and be unable to carry on a phone conversation, it was because he didn’t want to waste valuable time arguing. He could put the phone down, tell me it was because he was too upset and go and watch the TV!!!!

If you are with an n finish it, look after yourself and get on with your life.

My father is a narcissist. I have just become enlightened after the last ten years of being made to feel second rate and emotionally disconnected from his needs. This is a real relief and the beginning of a new journey in life. Scary to think about but awesome at the same time!!

Wow. This article explained my biological dad in one spot. He fits the bill for mostly the first kind of narcissist entirely and then with some of the points from the second kind of narcissist too. He is truly a very “special” man. ><

I am so glad to have found this article. It finally gave me the "why" to my biological dad raping me and sexually assaulting me in addition. It also gave me the answer to how would he have been able to do that. I guess not feeling anything but power and thumbing your nose at God and society when one is raping a 14 year old boy is a powerful high for some people. What a sicko.

Thank you for helping me get to the bottom of the "why" and "how" that I have been searching for for many years.

Hey everyone. It is really helpful to read about your experience. It made me realize things about my self,my past,what and who I’m. It helped me realize why I ended up with such person(not the first time). It shook me to the core ,and I don’t know which was more terrible -discovering that I’m with a narcissist or that actually one of family members is(maybe) From a confident person I got to the point where I doubt myself,my friends,the world. Asking and analizing myself,thinking that maybe I deserve all that lack of emphaty ,maybe I deserve that,because I’m a bad person,or stupid…. I’m scared ,but will pull myself up from that mess,will set boundaries and won’t stop believing that good always wins ,the right to believe in yourself,that to get and wanting the best for you is actually OK, and that it is not OK for you or your needs to be disrespected or ignored. If you have that type of person in your life RUN and never turn back!!! EVER !!! The longer you stay,the bigger the damage !!!

A friend of mine once told me that it’s typical of narcs when married NOT to wear their wedding bands, is this typically true? It makes sense because they want the attention of the opposite sex and be the center of attention.

Reading this opens up fresh hurt for me. My wife decided to leave me after 20 plus years. From the get go, she told me that she knew it would end up with her leaving me. I have witnesses in my pastors when we met with them. I have her journals and I read them. She mentions how she was bored with family life, always wanting to do so big thing, felt destined, wanting to leave the family, stressed out all the time, difficulty with relationships with other women in charge-or anybody in charge, child rearing is a drain, wanting to escape to a commune, did not enjoy sex, sex is a gross and demeaning, put my sexuality down, cut me off to where I would only have sex if she wanted it, she would m*****bate with me watching, cause i couldn’t do it right. The list goes on and on. She was hoovering me with pathetic lies how she would stop drinking and would also quit controlling me. All this stuff has been submitted to the attorneys. I told her I have her journals-made for some good reading, texts, bizarre notes about following and famous person mixed up with the bible telling her to “Go” to the promised land like the children of Israel. These woman are screwed to the max!

I was in a relationship for 6 yrs with my first love. We met when I was 16 and he 19. We were separated back then by my family, for some reason my family didn’t care for im (hmm onder why). Anyway we ended up bumping into eachother, he persued me with romantic emails, said he found his first love, wine and dined me until I fell for it. Little y little I notice his behavior, his moodyness, his p**n on computer and when I addressed it, he get upset, he accuse me of doing things to hurt him, that I was never happy, always complaining, I was so confused, lost, didn’t understand him. We never really had long conversations about him. I would ask what is wrong, what did I do or say. He would just answer rude “nothing” is wrong, perhaps it is you with a problem. I didn’t now if I was going or coming anyone. I broke up many times and he call me backup convince me and there I go, then upset breakup again. I loved him so much and after reading his articule I am just so upset….and feel used, abused, awful. Once we argued and he hit me and we were at a family funcion, I heard he went to a club while I sat thete with a bruised eye! Awful, just awful…….I asked myself why, how id this happen to me. I finally feel better without him now and know that he is the one with a problem. Thank you for sharing.

Reading dis has helped me know I was dealing with a narcissist, hu in the first 3 months seemed more of a heaven sent…hu promised heaven on earth…Wen his sex desires were not met, he started blaming how feeling less I was towards him..but I thank the almighty 4 he revealed deadly narcissism…

I was divorced after 23 years of marriage. I did not date anyone….so I played it safe and found a guy that I had gone to school with. He was a mechanical engineer and graduated with high honors. How dangerous can he be? I spoke to him on the phone for three months. I had a list of questions to ask. This guy who I will call M LIED! He knew what I wanted to hear. I ended up living with him for 2 years. The first six months were good. Then he changed. He drank to much and would hide it from me. I helped him stop drinking several times. He would start drinking again. Then because I did not want him drinking I became the ENEMY! He woke me up at 1 a.m. yelling! He beat me up! I called the police and he was ARRESTED! I left and NEVER want to see that JERK again. All that happened was that he went to a abuse class…that was it! I found out what a Narcissistic person is. He acted like a first class A*****E! I met someone else and we got married. The ex boyfriend had a meltdown. He has bashed me on Facebook and to anyone that will listen to him. He is very vindictive. You name it he has done it. This has gone on for almost 3 years. These NARC people are out of their minds! I will not allow that SOB to define me. When he tried to define me…I would look at him and say OH REALLY? I don’t want to meet another person that is a F up mess! I also suspect that he is Bipolar too. Pick yourself up! Life is just to short to give these crazy people anymore of your time!

I don’t really understand the part under “The Somatic Narcissist” that reads:

“In his mind, there is a clear distinction between the “woman of his life” (a saint) and the w****s that he is having sex with. With the exception of the meaningful women in his life (all saints), he tends to view all other females in a negative light.”

So does this mean in this case the narcissist loves the woman of his life? meaning, does he love his wife? I don’t understand what is meant by in this case she is a saint. After all he is cheating on her with so many. Can someone explain to me what that paragraph means? how is she different from the other women w**** he is having sex with because clearly he does not respect or value his wife.

I’m currently separated from my wife who since separation I have realised was a emotionally and financially abusive narcissist. We were married for 8 years and if I’m honest it was a few years before I started pulling my weight with housework and earning a proper income. 5 years ago I made sure that changed. Since then I’ve kept a good job we’ve had two children bought a house which I have done up and saved the deposit for and my typical day was about 13.5hrs before I got time to sit down. Despite all this I was constantly criticised for not doing enough to help her. I was rejected every time I tried any intimacy not just sex but the little things like a kiss always involved her turning her face. She kept telling me I had to jump through all these hoops then I had to make sure the house was tidy first then I just wasn’t a good enough husband and of I got all my cards in a row she wasn’t up for it. She kept telling me I couldn’t do things as there wasn’t enough money but then would find out she’d been putting money away. I only every “got my own way” after a big row and was made to feel guilty about it after. I had to stop all of my hobbies due to the guilt trips whenever I did anything. When I bought flowers they were either not what she wanted or a waste of money she kept changing her mind on what she enjoyed meaning she’d complain about activities and day trips I planned that I thought she enjoyed . she complained to a different one of our friends every time she wasn’t happy with me so I was soon alienated from just about everyone I knew.

Recently her parents came down for a week with all of her family and were being difficult as, unknown to me she had recorder her version of every disagreement and problem she had with me for the last two years and shared them with her family. So I was travelling up to see my family to give everyone some space and was involved in a fatal car crash. I lost 8.5 pints of blood had emergency surgery on my bowel broke my back and several other bones. I nearly died that night and my wife knew this but decided not to come to the hospital ( despite being less than ten miles away) and left me on my own until my family traveled from distant counties to see me the next morning. She then told me she couldn’t look after me and the kids so would have to travel several hundred miles and stay with my mum when I was discharged. I was at the hospital for two weeks before she’d let me see my children. When I got to my mums I was struggling with tragic loss of life from the accident so booked my first counselling session to try and deal with this. This was the morning my wife emailed me saying she wasn’t happy and wanted a “trial separation ” when I got back to our home town I sofa surfed for a few weeks seeing my kids only when my wife allowed. I was then given the terms of 14hrs per visitation but because of the crash she said I couldn’t take them anywhere in the car ( I wasn’t doing anything wrong ie phone drink etc ) and nothing overnight. I have since rented a house as she refused to communicate by anything other than text and then only to dictate things to me or have me agree arrangements. so reconciliation was going to take a while if ever and I needed somewhere to live. She has just contacted me saying that my behaviour and actions such as renting a house( instead of sofa surfing for the past few months) mean that I’m in the wrong and she wants a permanent separation. The separation I’m now fine with as I have since realised the abuse in the relationship and know I’m better out of it.

My worries are that she will try and stope seeing the kids using the ” evidence” she has been writing for the last two years and she’s got all of our savings and left me with the debt that I can’t afford to repay whilst giving her maintenance. She wants to sell the house and split what’s left after we’ve cleared the debts but our only debt is less than our savings so I worry she’s going to try and screw me financially too. She proving to be a complete control freak and I’m proving to be inept at foreseeing a play from her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also I need to try and build up self confidence as she’s stripped me of that along with everything else.

I was married to one for over 20 years. Eventually he got very sloppy in his covering of his affairs and devalued and discarded me and his only child. I found out he was having an affair with a cop co worker. He put all blame on me, labeled me mentally ill, crazy and out of my mind. To shift the guilt onto me he used all of his so called “cop powers”. After he moved out with the girlfriend, I had a difficult time at first. I was so manipulated over 2 decades that I actually. missed him . Well, 3 months after he left, I finally had it. I went no contact and hired the best divorce attorney I could find. I took him to court and hurt him where I was able to. Financially. Now 3 years later I have a happy, peaceful life. I am a sane woman and I finally healed. As for him, I don’t care. He can have all the little minions at his work ….not my problem anymore. I survived and I will never go back again. Thank God for good divorce attorneys. The best advice I got was.. cut off all contact, run away, file for divorce and never look back.

It’s good to understand that they can also flip between covert and overt / cerebral and somatic, I was dated a guy who would let himself go, get deeply into learning something to flaunt his intellect, and then change his body completely with body building, in order to attract young trophy women on his arm. I believe his family has many Narcissists and he’d change and “shape shift” in order to ensure he was in the spot light. EVERYTHING became about him, anyone’s success around him was his success … everyone became an extension of himself.

Great article, I just don’t appreciate using the male gender to describe a narcissist.

I just ended a 16 year marriage to a textbook narcissistic wife who would do anything for attention and acted like I did not exist for our entire marriage.

I am ati recovering from the verbal and emotional abuse as are my two sons, and I don’t appreciate seeing gender biased articles making it sound as if all narcissist are men.

Maybe female narcissism is just a symptom of another personality disorder such as BPD or being a sociopath, but a women is definalty capable of being extremely manipulative, controlling, and abusive, particularly using sex to get thwart she wants to feed her narcissistic ego which is born from a lack of self esteem and self love.

Please consider being gender neutral in the future as there are more female narcissist than I think anyone is aware of, and definitely more male victims of narcissistic abuse than is commonly acknowledged or admitted to.

Is there any such a group or place where people like us, I.E. loving, caring, forgiving, been to hell and back, who know more less when a person is off, not right, says something out of the norm, spot the differences we chose to ignore before, a place where we can only go so long as we have our own special code, like a certain amount of time spent speaking with anyone who so shall wants to become a member WILL only be ALLOWED membership or access to such a place after having been asked a limited amount of certain criteria questions about SELF, we all know how that will go, but is there any such a place for US? A certain kind of relief like an AA or NA meeting with people who know our battles? A place to cut to the chase, sorry, wrong term, more like where we feel comfortable enough because we know we will be safe and find someone who will love us back, and feel, and know what making love is and actually want to really do all of these things? Anybody know of such a place? Only there is one requirement. kind of like the other places I mentioned…………… and I’m guessing that this kind of place may not exist and if anyone is in California bay area and wants to start some kind of online or closed room meetings, please get through to me, there has got to be a way for relief. i have not thought this out and only through typing this just now, but this may work. who knows, if your anything like me, which I have a good notion you are or you would not be here or in the predicament, I know that your demeanor is of helping and giving, I dont know, I’m a Libra, probably the worst person to have been with an N, but a beautiful thing for the N, anyway, Libra, born leader, take charge, independent, many ideas, can work as a team or alone, damn, where do I go so wrong! Again, if you know of a place, or want to try to design such a place, I’m not afraid and would love to be involved. I know nothing of web pages but anything else I have knowledge of. Please tell me that I am not the only one who is crazy to wish for such a Heaven?!

Aww how awful Sarah, he really was a true demon of narcissism! I have been with my partner coming up to 15 years, we were childhood sweethearts and inseparable at one point( I am talking many moons ago here!) I fell pregnant with our son at the age of 17 and since then the emotional and verbal abuse started shortly after out son was born. Soon after that the domestic abuse fell in to place, we separated for a short time but he whim fled himself back in to our life saying he couldn’t live without us, we are soulmates and I took him back, more fool me, he is out of work now and I am the financial, emotional provider, the cook the cleaner the everything in between! He has been diagnosed with ADHD and suffers from depression but this isn’t what I experience, he has isolated me from his family members, regularly puts me down and tells me I’m thick im The crazy one and I have turned him in to the way he is now, his family think I’m a complete nut job and don’t really tend to get in touch with me, the violence (physical) has just started to creep back in over the last month, walls with holes as plates have been smashed off them, he has also said that my son will live with him if we was to depart as I am not emotionally stable! I’m at the point where I want to leave with my son but I don’t know what he will be capable of, he has attempted suicide several times but failed on each one, I am actually worried that he may do a homicide/suicide on me and him! I am seeking support off friends which I have only just got back in touch with after years of being solumnly his! I’m stuck though and scared of how and when I can actually make the escape with my son. I hope you find peace in yourself Sarah and leave all the bad and negativity behind you, it’s so hard trying to find the inner core of your sole when you have been a victim of narcissism, but each day you will slowly start to realise your worth as a woman, I hope I can soon follow xx take care sweety. Anonymous victim

I want to say about my 19 years marriage experience, my husband was addicted to drugs and women. I have been coping with this kind of marriage and bearing everything hopping that he will change. I have 3 kids for him, i could not bear it anymore. I prayed to God and also seek for other advice from marriage counselor but things were still the same. I later got an information from a friend that a spell caster can really save my marriage, i have never believed spell casting but my friend convinced me to contact Priest Ajigar and i really contacted him, after everything was done to my surprise he was gradually changing for good in just 5 days after he finished everything in his temple. He has change finally now and he is now a very responsible husband. Here is Priest Ajigars email: priestajigaspells @ live . com Its great to have my husband back on this Xmas season, he can spend so much time with his family. If you are facing problems in your marriage or having difficulties in getting your partner back after breakup.

What you have experienced is very similar to what I have done to spouses I didn’t really care about.

The truth is that when I love someone and feel safe and truly important, I am a saint and I literally build everyone up around me.

Why people get hurt is because they fail to see the true nature of our relationship – we feed you guys so intensely that we starve.

By the time we are depleted you don’t even know it. By the time you hear about it, it’s already too late. As a narcissist, I believe I have a inherent right to what I want, when I want, as long as I am not hurting anyone physically. As a result, I am hyper attentive to my spouse and loved ones, because you should have it this way too. Because you are average, you do not need it this way and this you do not think this way either. You have not mastered us the way we have you. It sucks because by the time you prove you cany keep us stimulated is when that same mastery we developed to keep you happy transform for us to get what we need on the side without you ever knowing.

When you are unable to help us recharge, we gain what we need from elsewhere and manipulate chaos to feel stimulation. A free narcassist will venture out like a pet cat, and come back recharged. A trapped one will become passive aggressive, creepy and hurtful.

If you had a horrible relationship with a narcissist, it’s simply because you were unable to quench his thirst and probably wasn’t willing to let him out from time to time, which led to meanness and self destruction because of the depletion in stimuli and self affirming experiences.

To better understand a Narcissist, we don’t spend time with people for the hell of it. We always have an agenda. We are ALWAYS trying to achieve something. If we were not, there is no reason for having another human being around. If you are around as his or her partner, it’s for a reason.If after 5 to 10 years you are crumbling,Then you were in denial about your ability to handle your narcissistic spouse in the first place and chances are your own narcissism,or a history of co-dependency, led you to reward the narcissism again and again and again.I know my first fiance did.

My advice? Leave or get open minded about freedom. To be happiest with a narcissist,you either need to fulfill his every need wwithout it seeming like an inconvenience, or you need to be industrious and take charge of who can and cannot help you fulfill his needs along the way.

I no longer cheat on my fiance because our own growth and intimacy as couple. But in order for me to be optimally happy,I’d have to right to do what I want when I want. Not because I’m greedy. Because being fully satisfied makes me a better person and lover. All fear a depleted narcissist who is not being fully satisfied!

Don’t try to validate your narcissism like it’s a badge of honor. NO person in the world is capable of ever living up to the expectations of a narcissist because it literally kills them in the process. Why should anyone deplete themselves in such a way just for the benefit of some man being happy enough that they don’t stray? It’s utterly ridiculous. I hope your fiance wakes up one day and decides to leave you because you will never change and deserve to be alone

One of the most important things I have learned with dealing with a narcissist is that they use the technique of “intermittent reinforcement” to keep us off-center and confused. This is how they act: nice, nice, son-of a-b***h mean, OK, distant, lovey-dovey, mean, nice, indifferent, etc. This is the hook in gambling–again intermittent reinforcement–sometimes you get a trickle of coins, sometimes a jackpot, sometimes you get nothing, sometimes you get more than you expected. You never know what kind of behavior you’ll get from them, but you hope for the best. That’s what keeps them coming back.

You can check out the formal definition of “intermittent reinforcement” and it will explain that subjects keep coming back because sometimes their behavior is OK to fine, and other times it’s just plain terrible. The fact that we don’t know what we’re getting, keeps us tethered to this crazy-making, self-centered person, hoping gainst hope that things will get better.

Knowing that intermittent reinforcement is at work is very empowering to me. Having that information and understanding what has happened to me gives me strength to extricate myself from this all-consuming craziness and neediness.

I hope knowing at least one way the narcisssits got you hooked will hopefully help you separate from him or her and lead a normal life.

Hi I don’t know if I was married to a narcissist or not but by every think I read I was Being with the Same woman for nearly 30 yrs who I loved but had a sexless marriage for nearly 30 yrs I knew she was having affairs for most of our married life’ but I didn’t do any think about it because we had a child we were raising in the end I did have a short affair of a few months and told her about it she didn’t cry or show any emotions I told her that I should leave the family home which I did that day at first I tried every think to go back but she wouldn’t have me back I was heart broken in the end when I had. Decided not ever to put my self through that again she wanted me back and started twisting things around saying I was never home and I didn’t evey show any emotions I was so confused and even had to ask my friends if I was ever there I know it sounds strange but I started believing her and doubting my self I hope one day I will heal and get on with life but even after 2yrs I think about going back I really don’t know why whether it’s love or stupidity

I am an intelligent well educated professional who was married to two narcissists. I had NO idea that was what their problems were. The first one had Borderline Personality Disorder and committed suicide. The marriage lasted just 2 years. Then I met Tom [name changed] and we were married 23 years. He died last November and 8 days after his death I found solid evidence that he was a sex addict and had betrayed me for over 20 years with other women and men as well. The last 5 years of the marriage he refused all sex and affection with me. The more I explored sex addiction I discovered that he had strong narcissistic tendencies. I also discovered that I am codependent and that was why I was attracted to both men. The day before we got married he said to me after I had mentioned something to him to do to prepare for the wedding, “Now I know why your last husband committed suicide.” I was shocked and grieved at his cruelty. I asked him if he was going to say things like that after we married and he answered, “Probably”. And I STILL married him!! Even before we married sex with him was always about the “show”. Bondage games and videoing our sexual activities. He was never loving or emotionally intimate during sex; it was mechanical and about the performance, sex toys, m**********n, watching p**n. He always had to watch p**n to get in the mood. If I approached him romantically he would push me away. He wanted us both to participate in swinging, watching and being watched. I drew the line there and we fought about it for 3 solid weeks. He would react to what he called criticism by screaming and yelling, then the silent treatment for days. He would frequently ask for a divorce out of the blue but then change his mind a few days later. I would became a basket case telling him how upset this made me. He did this on average 3-4 times a year. I see that me becoming upset became a source of “supply” for him and a way for him to regain control in the marriage. I see now he married me because I was a widow who owned a beautiful home, took wonderful care of him, and I was thin, toned and attractive. Without bragging, I was a “head turner”. I was submissive and adored him. I was attracted to him and the power that he exhibited. I was unaware that I was a level 4-5 codependent. I didn’t have a clue who I was and I walked straight into the lion’s den of narcissism. Over the years the sex got less frequent and it was just about him and his duty to me as a wife. He began to demean and devalue me, especially after I gained weight, even though I was not obese. I became boring to him. He refused me but one vacation a year and that had to be less than 5 days and no further than a two hour drive away from home. He hated to socialize and to make friends .Most people were “assholes” to him and beneath him. I found out after his death that he would plan his extramarital adventures if I would be away for a week visiting family [he refused to go]. He ended up being an office manager in a law firm and he became sexually intrusive with the female staff and would in fact ask the female staff about their m**********n habits and their sexual turn ons. He showed them p*********y on his computer. This went on for years until he was finally terminated in 2013. Of course he never told me the real reason he was fired, but I saw the termination letter among his papers after he died. In one of the emails he described many sexual encounters he had with men in gay cruising sites and parks. This was the greatest shock of all to me. Anything that was taboo was game for him. How could I not know about all of this? He was just that secretive and careful because he really was afraid of me abandoning him. One time I told him I had contacted an attorney for divorce and he said, “I didn’t want it to come to this.” I told him I wasn’t responsible for his pain, and he agreed. I thought we were finally headed in a better direction. All sex stopped after 2010 but he continued to contact men on Craig’s List I found out. “I don’t have a libido” he would say. Yet there are records of many purchases for V****a which he never used with me. The last 4 years of his life were very sad. He had no friends and became very despairing. But I could not help him. He lost 50 lbs and clearly it looked like cancer, but he would say that I was “jealous because you’re fat.” I gave him wide berth to avoid fights and didn’t push it, so when the cancer metastasized to his bones he finally went to the doctor. He died 6 months later, but I was at his side 24/7. It was then that I finally got the love from him he was unable to give to me all those years. Finding out about the betrayals has changed everything. My grief is mixed up with anger and confusion, but it has helped me to understand the whys of the marriage. In that I have some peace.

Hi all I have some crazy things going on in my life. I fot away from 15yr bad marriage to find myself in a more fearful relationship.what started out nice sweet an innocent within a months time has left me with a whole yr of abuse from being thrown up against windows walls choked spit on, punched in the face and verbal words like weak *itch or goofy *itch or Freindly *itch. For12 months this man has wanted sex day and night and i applied but im getting tired if i should sau im tired or its not a good time im hit with verbal mumbles of abuse before he becomes loud and aggressive. He loves to get in my personal space and when i try to block him or get away im faced with a choke of my life. I love this man and see good in him wjen he dont see in his self and all I get is Im sneaking or playing with his heart. Never cheated on this man and for some reason he claims to love me all the while hitting me and verbally abusing me. Now im layong here afraid to go to sleep for fear of what he may do to me askeep. P.s. now he ffels he cant love me more then himself but om not the aggressor. I need help i though after a week of us being apart he wpuld get some help only to find out it was a way to get back in. Im afraid hes gonna make me pay for the week away from eachother. I dont see a way out without someone getting hurt. Can someone please help me with tools to get out safely. He knows everything about me. He goses through my phone so much that I dont even trust my own phone. 😩😩😩

I just realized my boyfriend of 13 years is a narc. For a while now I thought he had a mental illness and was heartbroken because I knew he would never admit it therefore nevercgettibg treatment. I’m still a little confused. Is this a treatable mental illness? I stumbled upon this and most everything seems to got him. He has fits of rage when called out on anything. He blames me for everything. He gambles online and when he loses money, it is my fsult. I upset him and he placed a losing bet. I answer by reminding him I wasn’t there and he knows that any bet placed while he is mad at me will not win. There’s no reasoning with him. He blames me for him catching his motorcycle on fire while working on it. I wasn’t there. He was angry at me and was careless, therefore I was the blame. He screams at me if I cry saying I’m pvereacting,that I’m nuts,and I’m starting to scare him. He will ignore me for months at a time,come have sex and either say he will see 32nd tomorrow but tell me i either did something to make cause him to not be able to come over or he will come over, have sex,and then do something that will upset me or say something ride and then tell me I’m crazy and took it out of context and he cannecer come back because I am losing my mind. He gives me money and then yells at me about taking every penny he has. He calls me names,spits on me, hits me, and acts like nothing happened. If I bring it up he yells me to chilli and relax and asks me why I want to fight. I am not suppose to mention it and I cannot talk like an adult if I do. He can bring it up at anytime but when I refuse to talk to him Bout it he says That’s part of our problem,that I won’t talk to him. He will convince me that I can open uobyt when I do I am a childish a*****e,an idiot b***h, or a stupid F**k. I make up things to be upset about. He can’t ever come near me again. I need to get help. I need to grow up. Its worse every day. I never stop being caught off guard or surprised by his reactions. He screams at me that he hates me. When I bring it up later he says I’m taking stuff out if context again and that he said nothing like that. He said he hates that I’m causing problems and making every day of life suck for him. I will never stopamd he doesn’t know why. He constantly asks me whats wrong with me. Why can’t I stop being childish and stop causing problems. If i would have just acted right, there would be no problems. He always says he does nothing. He finally stopped apologizing and saying that he can’t apologize for the truth. He has nothing to be sorry for. If I hadn’t pushed him then he never would have had reason to blow up o me and I for what I deserved. He choses p**n over sex and lets me find out in a sneaky way that he does so. As far as I know he isn’t seeing anyone. He is way too consumed with webcam girls to make time for that. He does things that upset me and when I point then out he calls me crazy and tells me I’m making stuff up and the things I say are impossible and that I need help. Will he ever stop? I love him very much. I don’t want to lose him. I want him to get better. Please help me

The sex is lusty schoolboy style in the beginning, after a short while it’s toned down to a mundane

performance. They are not in tune with the partner, it’s an atgelitic show of prowess.

They lack any imagination in the bedroom other than strange influences seen in p*********y.

I noticed he hated lingerie being worn, he didn’t understand sensual or erotic love.

He prided himself of his alleged Don Juan days of meeting women from sex sites. This only came out further down the line but repulsed me.

His standards were low I met a friend with benefits, as he called her and felt creepy about her he’d led me to believe he had sexual integrity.

He was keen that I infantilise myself, I refused this isn’t a good indicator in my book, asking me to objectify myself was off putting combined with his dull company and childish requests. Nothing grows or lasts with these p**n stars.

My wife is exactly all these things, I never knew what a narssistic sociopath was until I married her. I heard people call others that before in social media, but I never truly knew what that was. She was a real live dream come true, so sweet and so,dang believable. I fell in love, and next thing I knew it all,started falling apart. She cheats, accuses me of doing what she has been doing all along. She never apologizes or admits she is wrong. 99.9 percent of the issues and argument we have I am left feeling like it’s my fault. Everyone that knows her as friends, Co workers see her as this amazing wonderful person. I have been made the villian in our marriage. Please, tell me how to let go of her, how to stop loving her.. I am at a total loss, my research on these kind of people all conclude the same way, they don’t know how to love or show empathy.

I had an affair with an old coworker from ten years ago. I didn’t know him. Never really talked to him but ten years later he popped up on Facebook asking why we never had “meaningful conversations” . I told him because I was married. Weeks later he popped back up and started the love bombing. I fell for it. At the time he was stationed in Korea and I thought what can it hurt? H is on the other side of the world right? This went on for months. Then he turned it sexual. Started sending me pictures of his “junk” and telling me he wanted full body nudes with my face in it. I did it. Dumb. But by then I was hooked. He asked me to buy him a sports watch and send it to him and I did. Our conversations we’re very sexual by then. One day he texted and said he would be here in two days. I was panicing. He showed up and I met him in his car. He was charming. I was hooked. We tried to have sex but his member died and he masterbated for a couple of minutes and tried it again but a cop drove by and ended it. Two days later I went to his hotel room. He was in a hurry. Grabbed me and started removing my clothes. He wanted me to do things we talked about. Ok I was excited as I guess affair sex is exciting. But this time I could sense some anger in him. No forplay to speak of. And then he went limp again. Masterbated and tried again then he just quit. Got up and said he had to leave. I felt very used. He popped up weeks later asking how it was. I didn’t want to tell him it sucked so I said good. Then he bragged about it. Months of texting later he wanted video chat. Wanted me naked and to talk dirty while he masterbated. I felt cheap and used. Two months after he returned from Korea he showed up again. I met him in his room with the intent to end it. He was drunk and I couldn’t get my mouth to tell him it was over. He made me sit there while he watch the ball game. Then he started taking off my clothes. I said stop but he didn’t. Loads more erectile problems. It really hurt. Then he just quit and went in the bathroom for ten minutes. I think to finish himself off. He came out and said “how was it?” I said “I’ve had better” he got angry and said “you know it was good”. He ignored me after that. Like nothing happened. So I went home. Took 20 minutes for the pain to go away. Same thing a month later. Asking me how it was. I just said good and he bragged more about himself. So now I want this to end. But I’m scared. He has my pictures and texts. So I played along hoping he would just lose interest. But he continued. If I posted on FB something about me and my husband he would pop up asking for humiliating pictures. If I said no he would say “boo!” And hound me till I gave in. Even on my anniversary he showed up. Like he needed to control me. Humiliate me. Then I got caught. He said “hope you work it out, take care”. After two years of this I realized I never knew him. I never even knew where he lived. He would say Texas, Virginia, Delaware. I was hooked and so stupid. I don’t know if this guy was a narcissist, or a sociopath, or just an a*s####. But it was the most fun, screwed up, and humiliating time of my life.

I am so happy this year because the only man i love with my life who left me many years ago is back to me last week through the help of Dr Mack on the 2nd of July 2017 i came across a testimony which said Dr Mack help him to get his girlfriend back so i decided to contact Dr MACK through his email at:(dr_mack@yahoo. com), to my greatest surprise yesterday my ex Husband called me and beg me to reconsider him into my life and today we are living happily as one family again through the help of Dr Mack. if you want your ex back or you want your lover to love you and stay with you forever contact him now through his email above.

A lot of people who use meth become narcissistic. I’ve been watching this now for about twenty years. Someone who iscnatcissistic will usually also have an addiction to alcohol or if super sexually active it’s meth though they will become dangerous if you’re going to expose their secrets. Some don’t care though it’s out there. These people are masters at being shady. I went to a rave once and ran into two people together I would never in a million years think would be having an affair together And SPEED fueled their energies. About three years later I run into one of them at the cheap RV place looking to park his camper a couple days. He went from a young attorney with a house in Santa Barbara to living in a camper with a chick everyone called big Ti_ty Tara a train wreck that only got worse. He never saw his kids and I’m told he is HIV POSITIVE now living in a place called slab city in CA. He brags he has had over 1600 sexual partners sometime three at a time male and female. His wife he left owns her own business and his kids got scholarships to excellent Universities. My point here is the very best Thing they are capable of doing for you is run off on you. Be thankful and you yourself move and don’t let them come back and keep their nasty thinking and hurtful lies and egos that need stroking or else they turn to giant crazed monsters.

Here’s how you test to see if your mate is a narcissist. Tell them two things that really upset you. Like I said it makes me come unglued when stuff gets piled on top of my dresser and the other was something about how my bills were kept. Make these things up. You don’t want to give them any real stuff they will use to make you crazy. It wasn’t even two days later my dresser is piled high with clothes and misc junk from outside. My bills were all thrown behind my desk. Had no idea how they even got there. But after that it seemed my dresser never was neat and tidy like it was in past and my bills there’s always some that don’t make it to my desk. The narcissist goes and these things improve like over night. Be very care what you tell them. At first they are such great listeners because they getting amnino on you. All the personal things you shared will be thrown in your face at a later date. Don’t ever tell a narcissist you lost a child to CPS. If you have a short fuse know that a narcissist will cause you to lose it and cops come and witness your behavior and away you go. Now you’re the abusive one not them. If you are married with kids it’s how they set up the future as far as custody goes. They really don’t want the kids but it will break you if you are not awarded your own children. It’s all about you being seen the bad one and them the innocent victim. Remember that next time they say something that makes your blood boil😡

Narcissist have a wedding of taking all the good out of a person and turning them into a nervous, indecisive, emotional wreck. My ex narcissist chased me put me on a pedestal treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to them which in my opinion I was seeing where he had come from. Somehow as the relationship progressed the table start at turning and I was doing everything for him supporting him paying the bills going to work and on top of it cleaning the house and he made me things that I still wasn’t good enough because he seems bored and unfulfilled and relationship and of course I thought it was my fault I did everything to make him happy I would come home with surprises gifts vacations, he was even dabbling with rx pain.meds, then before you know it even the sex stopped and he made me feel as if I was a pervert for wanting to connect intimately it went on for months and months and he told me not to give up only to be cheated on in the end and that was my final straw it was such a burden lifted off my shoulders it was like taking care of a child a bratty little child who was never happy beyond their looks they have nothing to offer and if their looks portrayed what they were on the inside they would be monsters. No matter how lonely some days are or how we may feel down nothing and I mean nothing is worth being with such a horrible pathetic excuse of a human. Break free and stay free and stay strong people.

My N has tortured me for 3 years, found sex texts to his ex-girlfriend after we were married only 6 weeks and he denied it up and down, when I told him word for word what he said, he still denied it. The cheating has been going on for the whole time. He gives me then silent treatment when he wants to go cheat. He is also very verbally abusive and has been physically abusive also. At first I didn’t understand what was going on but after reading tons of articles on it, I know now that he is an psycopath Narcissist and his mother says he is bipolar. He will charm the pants off of anyone that he wants something out of. I have seen him lie at a drop of a hat. He also has been a terrible sexual partner. He rather look at p**n and have his fun, which is fine by me because sex with him is very disappointing. Boring in fact . He has ruined me financially, and asked me how long he had to be nice to me for me to buy him a car. As far as work goes, he hates everyone there but to their face he acts like they are his best friends. If he hates you tho, he will do anything to get you demoted or fired. He laughs about other peoples struggles, like cancer, and says they deserve it. One guy got electrocuted at work and he said the guy deserved it. He hates everyone and everything but surfing but has every excuse in the book, not to surf. I have only seen him surf in the 3 years I have know him 2 times and he only did it for 10 minutes at the most. Everyday I wish him to leave and never come back. He loves to hurt others and tells me he is mean because he can be mean and gets pleasure out of being a d**k. I see him for what he is now, a bully that likes to terrorize everyone in his path and he enjoys it. So glad to get away, hope I never see or hear from him again. He is a monster with a black soul.