Finding Light

SO, what happens when you are supposed to be writing an uplifting blog and you no longer feel uplifting? Yes, maybe the premise of that blog says it is from the struggle, but the hope has always been to shine a light from within that struggle. What happens when you have hit a point where you can no longer see that light anymore?

What happens when this new low tells you that you have nothing valuable to say? This is how your life is going to be. What if it tells you that you’ve let everyone down. You’ve failed. That it was fun while it lasted, it was a cute idea. What happens then?

Yes, I have been able to take a step back and recognize that managing the jet lag of a 13 hour time difference is a real thing. And, yes, post vacation blues exist for most. But I have now been home for over a week and this has been the lowest week I’ve had in quite some time. (My trip was AMAZING by the way. And I am grateful that I have been strong enough to not allow my current mindset to erase that.)

But like always, new day right? And because it’s still the start of the day, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to fuck it up, I can look back at the last week with a positive spin. This is the whole point right? To be real; to encourage others to do the same. And real means sharing all of it, highs and lows alike, and hopefully in doing helping me and others learn and grow.

Sometimes my real is really really low. Sometimes my real is still having to fake it and then coming home warn out and exhausted from faking it. Sometimes it means holding back tears for hours on end until they finally explode the second I’m alone. BUT sometimes real is also faking it until I really am making it. Going in with a fake smile but coming out with a real one. I cherish those moments, and those moments have happened this week, too.

I did a lot of writing while I was away. One of the perks to starting this blog has been remembering how helpful journaling can be. Most of what I write ends up being ineloquent nonsensical poop, but taking thoughts from my mind and organizing them onto paper really does help to calm me in a way I never fully understood. Until now.

Especially, when I’ve found myself back in a place that I’m scared of. Back to a place where I am scared of myself. Part of me hoped I’d never be back here. Part of me believed I’d never be back here. Back to this low.

Knowing that I plan on continuing my blog though to ‘see this thing through’ is my accountability. Having something to share and work through knowing I can help others in the process is my ongoing motivation. Recognizing how helpful this process has been in pulling me back out of the dark, well that is now at the core of it all. Because I’m writing this and I’m low and it hurts and I still believe I’m going to be okay.

My plan moving forward is to change from a weekly post to bi weekly. I think I was a little over eager at the beginning. Realistically, to be proud of what I’m writing and sharing while making sure it is still a healthy addition to my life instead of an added stressor, I need to slow everything down a notch.

I appreciate your ongoing support. I encourage you to reach out if you have any questions or have stories to share of your own. We are all in this together. Lets continue to #strugglestrong