The Black Sheep

8 Ways to Date a Bottle of Vodka on Valentine’s Day

February 14th officially becomes Fuck Valentine’s Day in college. There’s no love here; you learn that the day professors announce “no extra credit.” The only thing there for you day or night is vodka. It shoos away your problems and makes you think you love yourself. Don’t bother chasing gross human love this week. Cherish what really matters.

8.) Cook a romantic dinner:

Instagram caption: I thought my dinner looked good, but the view looked better. Since you don’t have that special someone bitching about what they want or don’t want to eat tonight, whip up whatever the hell you want. Or for breakfast it can provide you with a classy screwdriver, the only kind of screw better than morning sex.

7.) Push it on a swing:

Nothing makes you happier than seeing the ones you love happy. Everything suddenly feels right in the world as you push it in slow motion and “I Want to Know What Love Is” plays in the background. It can’t push you back, but it does so much for you already that you’re not even mad.

6.) Watch a lecture hall movie:

No more scrolling through Netflix hearing complaints like, “Sorry but I only like movies with Nicolas Cage.” Vodka-date likes everything you like, and makes you like what you like a lot more after a few sips. At least this date doesn’t expect two more dates and a back rub before letting you stick your tongue in it.

5.) Sing it a ballad:

People sing when they drink. Troy Bolton was drunk every time he filmed a music scene in High School Musical. Well probably not but it’s logical and funnier to think so. Tell the bottle how much it means to you, everything you can’t seem to put into words until you’re piss-drunk serenading a 750. It’s fine, you’re already single.

4.) Climb a tree together:

Careful, glass bottles of vodka don’t like heights. Once you hit the top and take in the view you can chug it down and jump off, face planting onto the ground and not feel a thing. See, always there for you.

3.) Go bike riding:

Tandem biking would be cuter, but anyone on campus with a tandem bike would be bullied to the point of dropping out. Protect your pride and keep it in a socially acceptable basket to show it off to the world as your one true love. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We applaud you.

2.) Visit your side chick:

Valentine’s Day is a player’s worst nightmare. Normally you can snake your way around by telling both girls you got homework or GTA, but on V-Day you’re expected to be at both their beck and calls. Now you’re off the hook because you got no girl, and nothing’s stopping you from getting cozy with two liquors in one night. Actually don’t do that, your hangover will be really shitty.

1.) Break up:

Told you. Nothing good can come from having two lusts at once. After you mixed your one and only with side booze you puked all over your Walmart rug and cried when you forgot to stock the freezer with Totinos. You trusted this bottle, thought it would give you the night you deserved, and it betrayed you. You don’t deserve this. You go to UConn dammit!

Don’t waste your energy on finding a date this Valentine’s day. You all know who you’d rather be with, and it’s waiting for you in Wine & Spirits. It doesn’t matter what you do, just as long as you’re together.