Sunday: a Newcastle fan punches a horse in the face. Wednesday: Newcastle want to sign Andy Carroll. Yeah, the Mill sees your game, Newcastle and if you think it's going to be that easy to restore your reputation in the animal kingdom, particularly the equine section, you've got another thing coming. Horses aren't the only ones being offended by the Toon Army though. With West Ham seemingly incapable of making Carroll's loan move permanent, Newcastle have generously decided to step in and make Liverpool's life easier by signing him for … £10m, which is £25m less than they received for him two years ago. Damien Comolli's legacy lives on! Failing that, Newcastle will sign St Etienne's Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang for £10m instead.

Paris Saint-Germain smoothball Leonardo would quite fancy Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Nani, Karim Benzema, Yohan Cabaye, Franck Ribéry, Samir Nasri, an invite to Margaret Thatcher's funeral, the moon on a stick, a lifetime's supply of steak, a starring role in the next James Bond film, his own island and José Mourinho. Unfortunately ambitious Ligue 2 club Monaco also want Mourinho and are ready to "blow their rivals out of the water" – which seems cruel and unnecessary – to land him. Mourinho wants £12m a year to return to Chelsea but while they haggle over whether or not he should be allowed to have a solid gold toilet in the technical area at Stamford Bridge, Monaco's billionaire Russian owner, Dmitry Rybolovlev, will swoop. Gotta love those Russian billionaire owners, José!

Mourinho's not the only man who could be returning to his old stamping ground. PSV Eindhoven want to rescue children's entertainer Heurelho Gomes from his "Tottenham hell", while Porto are running the rule over Manchester United disappointment Anderson, who has failed to live up to expectations at Old Trafford. Throw in a packet of Haribo and Porto have got themselves a deal.

Tottenham have realised that they need a striker. It's only three months too late, but well done all the same. Hamburg's £10m South Korea forward, Son Heung-min is the man they want to fill the space where Emmanuel Adebayor is theoretically supposed to be. André Villas-Boas is also after Porto's Ghana winger, Christian Atsu, and is ready to sneeze up £8m to sign him. Everton and Sunderland are also interested.

Can you hear that sound, John Terry? Why, it's the sound of the clock ticking on your future at Chelsea, who are going to spend £20m to sign Vasco da Gama's highly-rated Brazil centre-back, Dedé, who has already played seven times for his country. Liverpool were planning a £15m bid but, well, y'know.

Galatasaray want Kerim Frei. That rhymes. Frei plays for Fulham, but not for much longer. Southampton are planning a "double raid" on Cagliari. They want the Belgian winger, Radja Nainggolan, for £15m and could also be in for the defender, Davide Astori. You're nothing without a Belgian these days. The Mill simply must use all its wit and charm to befriend one.