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Sunthari Subramaniam wants to share her story openly. Unlike most victims of domestic violence, Sunthari allows her photos to be used, and she does not want to hide behind a pseudonym.

She is a survivor. During her 20-year marriage, she was constantly pummelled, berated, stalked, threatened and beaten down, but Sunthari somehow managed to find her way out of the abusive relationship.

She wants other victims of abuse to know their situation is not hopeless, and they too could emerge stronger and live on their own terms.

“I am not just a survivor; I’m a warrior. I am thriving now and I want to share my story with other victims. It doesn’t matter if they are ready to take the next step or not … leaving could take years. But I want women to know that they are strong, that the abuse isn’t their fault and that anything is possible,” says the 45-year-old mother of two.

The theme for this year’s campaign, “Orange The World: #HearMeToo”, is a call for society to listen and believe survivors and stop silencing victims.

It is also a time to “galvanise action to end violence against women and girls around the world”, said UN Women in a statement about this year’s campaign.

The theme for this years 16 Days of Activism campaign is Orange the World: #Hearmetoo

The 16 Days of Activism is an annual campaign from Nov 25 (the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women) till Human Rights Day on Dec 10.

A new UN study has found that the “most dangerous place” for women around the world is at home.

More than half (58%) of the 87,000 recorded female murder victims last year were killed by their partners or family members, according to the study, which was released by the UN’s Office on Drugs and Crime (UNDOC) to coincide with the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women last Sunday.

The UNDOC called for measures to reduce violence against women, including instituting early intervention programmes for domestic violence, educating men and encouraging criminal justice reform.

“The #HearMeToo campaign is about representation. Survivors have a right to speak for themselves and to be represented in efforts to end violence against women. When survivors speak up, we must listen, amplify their voices and let their perspectives shape and inform our solutions.

“From a public policy perspective, survivors have first-hand experience of navigating the justice system. They know what works and what doesn’t. By listening to survivors, we would learn the gaps in public policies and their enforcement, which then enables us to create effective, survivor-centred policies,” says Women’s Aid Organisation’s advocacy and communications officer Tan Heang-Lee.

Sharing her story brings up painful memories but domestic violence survivor Sunthari says she will repeat it over and over to help empower other women.

Sunthari’s story

The first time Sunthari’s husband hit her was just a week after their wedding.

“We were in our marital home for the first time. He came at me with a kitchen knife. He held it against my throat and then he pushed me down. I tried to run upstairs but he dragged me down the stairs. Every time I tried to fight, he’d push me down and hit me again and again.

“I didn’t know what was happening. I was in pain, afraid and confused. I was crushed … this was the man I was suppose to share my life with. Why was he hitting me?

“After some time, I got tired of fighting and just stayed on the ground. He left me there with my bruised and bloodied face,” she recounts.

He returned later, remorseful. He cried, begged forgiveness and promised to be better.

“I asked him why he’d hit me but he just cried and asked me to give him another chance. I was in love and isn’t that what you do when you love someone? So I gave him another chance and another and another,” she recounts.

Domestic abuse, explains Tan, often happens in cycles: the abuser threatens violence, abuses the partner, apologises and promises to change before repeating the cycle again.

For Sunthari, the cycles were sometimes months apart. During “honeymoon phases” in between attacks, her abusive husband was charming and attentive. But she never knew what would bring on the next attack.

Domestic abuse often happens in cycles.

It wasn’t just physical violence – he also prohibited her from working or socialising.

He abused her emotionally by constantly putting her down. He told her she wasn’t a good wife and mother, that she wasn’t pretty and was useless.

This went on for 20 years.

“I know many will wonder why I didn’t leave or get help. But I did. I cried for help but help never came. I made so many police reports but instead of getting help, the male police officers told me to go home and try to make my husband happy. They even joked about it among themselves, commenting that my husband must not have ‘gotten enough’. I was humiliated. And once again, I was told that it was my fault. I never went back to the police,” she shared.

Worried that her attacker would harm her children if she did leave, Sunthari stayed.

Habiraamie says her mother has taught her to be strong and fearless.

A lifeline

Although speaking about her experience brings up horrific memories, Sunthari is determined to keep at it because she knows all too well how a little support can go a long way.

The first person to stand up for her was the principal at her daughter’s kindergarten who offered Sunthari a job as a teacher’s aide. Sunthari’s ex-husband made a scene but the principal stood up to him.

“He let me work but the violence continued. But I didn’t care. This was the first step on my long road to freedom,” she shares.

Emboldened, Sunthari enrolled for a Diploma in Early Childhood Education course at Universiti Malaya.

“I lied to him that the school sent me for the course and because he didn’t want to be embarrassed by the principal again, he didn’t stop me,” she said.

With her diploma, Sunthari got a teaching job at an international school. After a while, she applied to do her Bachelor’s degree.

“By now, I could predict his cycles. When he was in his charming phase, I broached the subject and got him to agree. I finished my degree at Universiti Tun Abdul Razak and graduated with first class honours.

“Of course, he took credit for that but I didn’t care. I had bigger plans. I was going to save myself and my children. I was getting back my confidence. I wasn’t as stupid as he claimed, after all,” she says.

It was at university that Sunthari saw a Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) poster on domestic violence.

“My eyes fixed on the phrase “cycle of violence” because it described my situation! If those words were on a poster, that would mean I wasn’t the only one going through this,” she says.

Sunthari called WAO and a social worker convinced her to make another police report.

“The first thing the social worker told me was that it wasn’t my fault. That changed everything. She then said she’d accompany me to make a report.

“At the station, we spoke to a female police sergeant who picked up the phone and called my husband and warned him against hitting me again.”

This was another watershed moment for Sunthari.

“Seeing so many strong women standing up against a monster gave me strength. It took me 10 years to execute my plan but I was almost there,” recalls Sunthari.

It was her 17-year-old daughter Habiraamie who gave her the final push to leave.

“She called me one day while I was at work and told me she’d left home because her father was walking around the house with a sledgehammer. She gave me an ultimatum: choose her or choose him. I was stunned.

“All this while I thought I was staying in the marriage to save my children but my daughter made me see that saving them didn’t mean staying … it meant getting them out.

“My daughter was remarkable. She assured me that we didn’t need him and that if we could live with him, we could surely live without him. That was all I needed,” says Sunthari.

Although they continued to live in the same house until the divorce was finalised, the dynamics of their relationship had shifted – there was still the threats and name-calling, but he never hit her again. Instead, he made himself out to be the victim.

“I didn’t care what he called me. I gave him the house and my jewellery and everything. All I wanted was my children. That was how I got my divorce,” she says.

Despite growing up in an abusive household, Theebhan is a strong advocate for gender equality.

A happy beginning

It has been five years since her divorce and Sunthari and her children are “stronger together”.

“People use the term ‘broken family’ but that’s a term I do not believe in.

“We are a strong unit now. We would have been broken had we stayed,” shares Sunthari, who has since become a crisis support officer and victim advocate with WAO.

Habiraamie is now 24 and a psychology graduate, and her son, Theeban, is in university. Both are supportive of their mother’s decision to share her story.

“No man should ever treat a woman they way he did. I was not directly (abused) as my mother was but the experience has shaped me to be fearless.

“It has also taught me to be resilient and independent. I will never show my vulnerability because that is what abusive men will feed on. It has also taught me to be aware of the masks that people sometimes wear. And what gives me strength is my mother,” says Habiraamie.

And though Sunthari was initially worried that her son may have been influenced by the abuse he witnessed – he was hostile and distant as a young boy – Theeban too has become an advocate for gender equality among his peers.

“Up to 70% of women in some countries face physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime.

“Up to 6,000 child marriages have been recorded in Malaysia in the last five years and these numbers are rising and yet, people are remaining silent. I don’t want these numbers to rise anymore.

“And like my mother, I want to be a voice that can reduce the number of people suffering.

“I want to be a person that people look up to with respect, a person who can make positive change and bring a smile to people. And, I’m proud to say that I am a gentleman because of my mother,” says Theeban.

41 Comments

zai yusof

Thank you for sharing your story Sunthari ..Im so inspired by it. Youre such a beautiful woman and so are your children. Im glad that you finally found the strength and courage to leave him and build your life with the children and enroute all this, discovered yr own potential which you never even knew you had, and built a career for yourself too. Bravo!.

Sunthari Subramanian

Thilagawathi

I love those kids who are brought up so well and who has given the mother courage to leave the beast. One thing is for sure, nobody needs man’s help to live or raise kids. Women are stronger when they are alone.

Sunthari Subramaniam

After reading your article i feel so proud of you and yr kids. U really inspire alot of women out there who are mentally and physical abused in silence. Stay strong and hold on to your beliefs and stay positive all the way.

M. S. GILL SINGH

Agnes K. Reggina

I am a single mother myself, I was in the same situation, my ex was abusing me mentally, very suspicious of my every movement. when I got pregnant with my 3rd child, he was doubting me if the child was his. That was the ultimatum of me fighting back and stood up to him. My family was with me, I took the step back and start to rebuilt my life again with very young children and I raised them. Now they are adults and I am very happy of my achievement. All the best to you Sunthari. Take Care.

Sally

Wow! Sunthari, I can feel the pain and struggle just by reading your story and yet been inspired by that strong spirit with in you. You are truly a courageous woman! Your admirable love for your children knows no bounds. May the Lord bless you and two children, and in your heart find the grace to forgive this man and move on.

Alfred Kok TL

We married a girl which we have courted and loved, thus when we got married we must augment this mutual love the very more. A man’s hands are meant to create his Empire and not waste it on walloping woman.

Kadir Deen

I salute you Sunthari! Your story is very inspiring. No woman (or man) should go through what you experienced. I’m a father with 6 lovely children..I often wonder what I would do if one of my children were treated like you were. Certainly I wouldn’t just standby and do nothing. What was/were your father/parents doing? Didn’t they see that you were abused by your husband?

Whatever the circumstances you have my support and admiration for what you eventually did!

alan christopher simmons

An abusive husband, what else is new. Seen it all. It takes courage to stand up to monsters. Good for you. Get rid of this devil. Life is while we possess something; we also lose something. While we grab opportunities; we also let go. Life is not roses by any means.
We live in a world of abuse and violence. A world that has never learned to forgive. You have left the wilderness of abuse and entered the promised land. Love all, serve all, help everyone; hurt nobody.
In retrospect the hateful actions has made you stronger, better and more humble. God Bless

I couldn’t finish reading cause my eyes were blocked by tears.. even worst while reading the supportive comments.. MGBU all. Keep
Inspiring other women too. The educated community will always support ‘warriors’ like you.

Nirmala

Kamala

Hi Sunthari, glad you came out of the vicious cycle reasonably unscathed, thanks to the principal and your lovely children. Put the nasty memories out of your head and move on to make a new life. As they say, life is too short to be wasted and you have already spent all your youthful years with this man who seems to have his own devils. This is a silent tragedy in many families and hopefully your frank story will spur other women to come out. Not many women will have your courage to go public. So proud of you..stay safe and have a good life.

P Pragasam

If it took you 20 years to come out, then it’s sheer stupidity, and you are not getting any empathy for being stupid. And trying to cash in on your story now is just being opportunistic. Your story is not going to empower any woman. It may only enrich you.

Manvinder S Bhullar

P Pragasam, your condescending, patronizing comments about her reflect upon yourself. Please don’t pretend to think that you understand everybody else’s problems and situations and that in this case she could have easily left. It’s not always that simple. The world is not just two colors.

Sunthari Subramaniam

Thank you for your comment. If my stupidity can enlighten another woman/man in the same situation, then there is nothing wrong in sharing my stupidity. I pray no one has to go through the same situation of living in fear for their life. I have enough strength that I need no sympathy and empathy. It is for that reason, I am reaching out to other women and men alike. I accept your judgements not that they affect me in any way. Rest assured that my objectives are met and what monetary gains are we talking about again? You amuse me.

Saras

Dear Mr. P Pragasam, It’s not the length of time it took for Ms.Sunthari to leave her abusive husband that matters. Being abused – verbally, physically, mentally – breaks you down until you start believing the crap the husband tells you. You start doubting your own worth. But your comment has shown us your character. Tell us how Sunthari is enriching herself by telling us her story.
Reading her story only empowers other abused spouses to believe in themselves. They too can find strength in the people that support them.
I applaud you Sunthari. You have made it out from the abusive marriage with such amazing children. I wish you more happiness and peace.

Alexis

P.Pragasam, if you have nothing helpful to say, you might have as well just kept your unkind and baseless comments to yourself. It sounds like you either didn’t bother reading the story, or you read it and failed to understand why for her, with those circumstances, leaving wasn’t as simple as packing up and driving off. You are not her, you have no right to condemn her the way you do in your comments. I don’t usually bother to respond to stupid comments – but in this situation, remaining silent would have been akin to condoning your attack against someone who hasn’t even done you any wrong. I do not know you – but I strongly condemn your comments against Sunthari.

Pooja Stanslas

Been there and done with. We know when the ties are finally severed and there is no turning back. For some of us it make take longer but leave we must. Happy for your achievements, dedication and commitment

AT

Angie Chong

Wow! You are an amazing human and woman. So are both your children. There is something really special about all 3 of you that made you endure 20 years, receive an education, nurture your kids so perfectly and come out of it stronger and happier. Being an example will be a hope for so many women out there who are trying to get out of the “vicious cycle”. You made it out! Others are still trapped in! Help them to be set free!

Ryan

Prabhdial

Great decision
If all women in an abusive relationship could be brave in thier decisions
All deserve respect what more the very women who is the mother to your children
Perhaps the hands of the law need to manage the abuser
As abusing a partner is not the birthright of any any abuser who thinks so
Authorities need to adress it and charge the abuser
Kudos to sunthari and your wonferful children
May you all be blessed with the happiness you all deserve

Shirley Noel

Saffini

Life has dealt you a difficult card, but finally you didn’t let that determine the path of your life forever. Kudos for being so courageous and an inspiration for many. Please know that there are many people who are proud of you. I pray may God always protect you and give you health, wealth and happiness.

Mary

jen

It is easier said than done to just leave. One keeps thinking about the social stigma, the support, how am i going to survive? After years of abuse, one’s confidence is also eroded. Sunthari, you are certainly brave and determined. Many will be inspired by you!

CMV

Dear Sun,
Knowing you for so many years, u did not once show that u were in a bad state. My hats to you for making the right move in leaving and taking ur children with u. May God Bless you and ur kids always.

To Pragasam – the saying goes if u dont have anything nice to say or appreciate what my friend has done to make a better life for her kids and her, just keep quiet. No one will say that u are dumb. If u are a woman, i feel sorry for you and if you are man then u are no better than her ex-husband who doesn’t know the value of a woman other than abusing her.

pam

Dear Sundari,
I am so proud of you. Such a strong person and you brought up your kids well. Although, l have met and spoken to you many times, never knew that you had so much sorrow within you. Thank God you finally spoke and fought your way out.Such an inspiration. GOD bless you and your children.

Jackie

I admire strong emotional women and you’re one of them. I hope all the abused women out there will find the courage to do the same as you. Bless you and your children. I’m glad they are well brought up by you.

Hi Sundari,
First of all, please accept a virtual hug from me and Isay Bravo for finding and executing on your escape and doing it at a time that was RIGHT FOR YOU!.
Thank you for enlightening the world with your story.
I can totally resonate with this. My mother walked out of a 21-year abusive marriage when she felt assured that her kids’ education would not be impacted by her decision to walk out. She stayed on & ‘tolerated’ by father’s abuse although in his defense he was under the influence of alcohol when committing these abuses (mostly physical) because she had no support system, no income to fend for herself and feed her 2 daughters, the fear of social non-acceptance and being ousted by the society and community and not to mention her own imposter syndrome. But let me tell you, my memories aren’t vivid or vague. As a child growing up and reminiscing on the hostility, it is the most uncanny, bitter and unfortunate thing to have happened. Who wants to have childhood memories filled with witnessing how a man batters and manhandles a woman who birthed you and is your nurturer. Isn’t a father supposed to be a protector, I asked myself all my life growing up? Protecting you from all harm and fears? No child should go through this experience of living in fear and feeling insecure.
I maintained a cordial relationship with my dad and I never hated him either but only after he passed in 2013, I was able to forgive him and let him rest in peace. I did it for me… for my own healing and to bring an amicable closure to our relationship.

I am now a single mother and early this year, I exited to the corporate world after 17 years and started a consulting biz on my own. I have an 11-year-old daughter who lives with me. In my quest to ‘give back’, I founded and initiated a project called “SNAP BACK”. Sharing a gist about Snap Back –
SNAPBACK is a platform (and eventually will be a mobile app) to help the below 2 categories of Women to reach out, take action & prepare them for employment in order for them to get back on their feet.

1. Women who are experiencing domestic violence and trapped in the relationship and/or
2. Single Mom’s who are helpless and dependent (relying on funding & donations)

By helping them to get back on their feet, prepare them to attain Financial Independence, revive self-esteem, confidence & gain employment so as to eliminate their agony & misery. By SNAPPING BACK, they get back on their feet & take 💯control in steering their lives in the right direction.

I would REALLY love to connect with you, to learn from you and get your support and insights on futureproofing this system/initiative so that many more ‘Sundaris’ out there and little kid snapper backs (who should have happier childhoods) can be salvaged and empowered to change their destiny. Can you please get in touch with me at the earliest, please? Massive gratitude.
Looking forward.

Thanks.
The founder of SNAPBACK

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