Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Increase the Piece: Tiny Tools and Propaganda

Further to yesterday's post, it would appear from the comments that I inadvertently managed to offend a minority group--that group being owners of stainless steel automobiles developed by alleged drug traffickers who were later found to be victims of entrapment:

Anonymous said...

Then stay home you fucking hack! The deloreans were for the St. paddys day parade. What do you offer to society?

March 16, 2011 2:54 AM

Wow. This comment saddened me deeply, because as it happens I have a sentimental connection to DeLoreans that predates the "Back to the Future" film trilogy by quite a few years. As it happens, when I was but a child my school bus used to pass a used car dealership, and among the vehicles for sale there was a DeLorean. Oh, how I used to marvel at its futuristic shininess and wedge-like shape as I passed. In fact, so taken with it was I that I used to attempt crude renderings of it in my notebook, and I still get very excited when I see a DeLorean. Even as an adult I have been known to point and exclaim, "Ooh, there's a DeLorean, there's a DeLorean!," and that's pretty much what I did in Seattle. However, one of the people on the ride was so profoundly smug and bikey that she didn't even know what a DeLorean was and asked, "Is that James Bond's car?" Aghast, I replied, "No, that's a Michael J. Fox's car!," and the owner smiled despite the triteness of my observation.

So, as you can imagine, this comment has rendered me rather despondent.

As for what I have to offer to society, this should be obvious. As the sixth wealthiest person in the world I have pledged, along with Warren Buffett, to give away most of my fortune. Granted, unlike Buffett, who's giving his money to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, I'm giving mine to a private aeronautics firm, but the idea is the same. See, this private aeronautics firm is building a spaceship with which they will travel to Jupiter in search of new metals suitable for framebuilding, and when they return to Earth I will develop a new alloy called "awesomeium" and take the North American Handmade Bicycle Show by storm. This may not seem altruistic on the surface, but when show organizer Don Walker (by this time either a cyborg or a disembodied brain in a jar) awards me the coveted "Best In Show" trophy I will then license the alloy to Specialized and donate a small percentage of my royalties to chihuahua rescue.

From this I infer that there is an entire "bizarro" Brooks factory in China, complete with a Chinese counterpart to Eric "The Chamferer" Murray.

In any case, I suppose I could have saved myself the trouble of traveling all the way to Austin and instead just bought a counterfeit Brooks somewhere in Chinatown (if your "Broooks" has an extra "o" it just might be fake), though my bag did come with a free packet of something called "desiccant:"

It was delicious.

Also, returning home from my mailing box I used the controversial Prospect Park West bike lane and rode behind someone with a Jizzy hat:

The quality of this photo does not meet even my usual sorry standards because I was forced to resort to my aging smartphone, but I can assure you that his hat said "Jizzy" on it. I have no knowledge of "streetwear" so I don't know if "Jizzy" is like "a thing" or whatever, but I do know that when I plugged "jizzy hat" into a popular search engine I got a lot of intriguing results, though none of them had much to do with fashion.

If I need to spell it out for you, the problem is that he's wearing his glasses under his helmet straps. Something tells me these guys may not be actual pros, either.

Of course, cycling is a dangerous activity--so dangerous that you should never, ever, ever (everevereverever)contemplate attempting it without wearing a helmet, even if it's on backwards. In fact, it's so profoundly dangerous that a reader informs me CBS News has prepared a piece on "bicycle safety:"

Bicycling is dangerous. How dangerous? Each year, cycling-related injuries send more than 500,000 people to the hospital - and more than 700 to the grave. Kids are at special risk. But everyone who rides a bike - child or adult - should be acquainted with basic bicycle safety rules. Here, with help from the National Traffic Safety Administration, are 10 of the most important ones....

That's overstating it just a bit, don't you think? Motor vehicles send like 30,000 people a year "to the grave" and I never see any news stories that make driving sound this suicidal. Clearly we're now being subjected to a full-blown propaganda campaign. I remember when people used to give you "safety tips"--now they're "death-defying rules." They're also ridiculous. Consider these examples:

Make sure the bike fits you. And before you ride, always check to make sure the handlebars and wheels are secure. If you carry stuff, add a carrier so you don't have to keep things in your hands.

Yes, as everybody knows, if you're bike doesn't fit you, YOU WILL DIE! I don't know what the model is supposed to be doing with that derailleur, but it looks like she's trying to mesmerize it into not somehow killing her. At least her helmet's on frontwards.

Here's another useful tidbit death-defying rule:

If your bike has quick-release wheels, make sure they are firmly closed - and use the safety retainer if there is one.

This is good advice, and I see plenty of people who treat their skewers like wingnuts. However--and I may be revealing my ignorance here--what is a "safety retainer?" Do they mean dropout safety tabs, or "lawyer lips?" If so, how do you not use them? Sure, you can file them off, but are there actually people who don't know how to use a quick-release skewer but do take the time to file off their "lawyer lips?"

My theory is that they just made up the whole "safety retainer" thing so when people go to look for them and can't find them they decide it's too dangerous to ride and just take the car instead.

By the way, don't file off your "lawyer lips." If you file off your "lawyer lips" YOU WILL DIE!

And if you think "safety retainers" alone will save you, you're sadly mistaken. You've also got to "stay alert:"

Potholes, cracks, expansion joints, drainage grates, and railroad tracks can cause a fall. So can leaves, puddles, and ice. If you spot an obstacle in your path, be sure to plan carefully and signal to motorists. Cross railroad tracks at a 90-degree angle.

All true I suppose, but why the image of the woman riding a mountain bike in a river? Does this even remotely represent the sort of cycling in which most people engage? Are there a lot of creeks with railroad tracks in them? Is the woman in the picture not a recreational mountain biker, but rather a wayward city cyclist who ignored the "death-defying rules" above and consequently wound up in a stream? And how come you never see "death-defying rules" for drivers that look like this?

Potholes, cracks, expansion joints, drainage grates, and railroad tracks can cause a fall. So can leaves, puddles, and ice. If you spot an obstacle in your path, be sure to plan carefully and signal to cyclists. Cross railroad tracks at a 90-degree angle.

Equally good advice, and equally incongruous imagery.

Given all this, it should not surprise you that our old friend also makes an appearance:

Wear high-visibility clothes. Think neon, fluorescent, bright colors.

I guess the idea behind this is that the few remaining cyclists bold enough to take to the roads will be readily identifiable and thus easily herded into internment camps.

Speaking of the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, a reader in the United Kingdoms of Great Brittania recently spotted him in a BBC television series called "Twenty Twelve:"

The extra "u" is for "ubiquity."

Interestingly, nothing in the "death-defying rules" specifically mentions "salmoning," and while most pedestrians decry the practice some find it positively seductive:

As I was crossing the streeet, staring into my iphone trying to follow the directions it was giving me, I'm looking at it, and then up at the building not sure I got the right place; "was it 306 or 308 Gold st...." I stepped out into the road cause the traffic on this street was heading east from where I was coming and I didn't hear anything coming, and I did so without much caution. Ah, but I sense something is headed straight for me coming the opposite way the traffic should be moving. I look up and this beautiful girl on a bike is cruising toward me. She's seen me long before I knew I was stepping into the street I suspect. My blank look of dull electronic affixation is soon uncontrollably turned into a smile as my eyes meet her own. She smiles back, and my mind is instantly thinking about how to get her off that bike and into my world. A beautiful dark hair girl. I snap back down to see where my feet are moving and then back up to see her pass, smile still in place. She's peddling out of my life and I stand there in the middle of the street still, smiling myself, looking around to see if anyone else saw this and could tell me if I am actually apart of this. I stand there and look at the spot where I just was and that she rode over. I remain frozen thinking how cruel the universe is for not making me about two seconds later than I was, if only there had been some fat woman walking up the subway steps four blocks back, she would have slowed me down enough for this beautiful girl to have smashed her bike into me. And then we'd be in a pile right there on that spot pissed at each other, or laughing if no one got hurt. And I would have heard her speak. And I would have stole a line from a Bill Murray movie and asked her if she came this way often so I'd be sure to stay on the other side of the street. And I think...I hope I would have been smart enough to get her phone number...for insurance purposes of course. Maybe I'll be there same time tomorrow....maybe she can hit me then.

Why all the hate from Pedros?Did you do something to make them unhappy?

I got a tool from Park and it had "increase" on mine too, so your's was not personalized, unless they gave me yours by mistake again.

I think we should all pitch in and get John Cassidy a Deloren (properly modified of course) and then he can park it in the future or past (whatever he is comfortable with), and we can have our bike lanes.

Bicycles are vehicles, just like cars. The same rules apply. Always signal your moves and extend courtesy to other vehicles and to pedestrians. When possible, ride on bike paths and lanes rather than in regular traffic lanes.

Here is the explanation for cars in the bike lanes. THE SAME RULES APPLY

I remain frozen thinking how cruel the universe is for not making me about two seconds later than I was, if only there had been some fat woman walking up the subway steps four blocks back, she would have slowed me down enough for this beautiful girl to have smashed her bike into me.

It's just this kind of suave and charming banter that makes it hard for me to believe that this guy doesn't already have his pick of a slew of beautiful young women.

The tridork that you reafer to is me Brian Smithy. Don't be such an ass jack.Yellow isn't my only color.Have flavours than Lee Press on Nails, Phillis Diller(w/out the yeast infection) and Baskin Robbins.

It should be obvious from the 14th law of thermodynamics that backwards cooling vents will heat your head and cool the surrounding environment. I have been advocating this as a solution to global warming for some time now. Surprised you haven't seen the papers.

I heard calfee's bamboo bikes are made from bamboo fertilized with mercury and lead, to make them more chromey and the bottom brackets beefy, but still they ride like utter crap. Specially on dirt roads.

seems as though a certain delorean owner, with a certainly less than beefy bottom bracket, appears to have very thin skin. I also have to question the value added to society (and relevance to the event) of Deloreans in a st paddy's day parade (or of a st paddy's day parade in general). seems pretty senseless actually. Question, aside from the stainless steel finish, what do a Delorean and a toaster have in common? a toaster is actually useful.

anon 1:26,Actually that's John DeLorean playing the violin in Mikeweb's pic. He took his backwards helmet off for the photo, which shows him moving so slowly through time that it will never be 2005. Ever the innovator, he sports one of those bicycle scarves that will become all the rage in 2010.

As you likely know, the British use the standard Canadian spelling , which an 'ou' in words such as "colour", "labour", and "endeavour". This is an adaptation of the original AmericoLatin, which omits the U.

That was the worst video I've seen in a long time. Thanks for subjecting me to that. The bearded beast kind of reminded me of the contemporary 'hipster-woodsmen revivalists' of the but with an Adam Adam 'steam-punk' wardrobe. Is this a new thing?

PS, I don't think you ever linked to the below cringe-inducing article. But I'm sure you've seen it. Time to go vomit:http://nymag.com/guides/everything/urbanwoodsman/

BSNYC, well played response to anonymous who is a very very angry person (but damn that guy loves Deloreans).

Safety retainers are "old school". Basically a washer with a hook. The washer goes around the threaded wheel axel and the hook slips into a hole on the frame or fork. (probably discontinued because putting a hole in a frame/fork generally weakens it. Lawyer tabs have since replaced them)

True story: Long ago my then kid brother removed the "safety retainers" from his front wheel, popped a wheelie off a curb and regained consciousness inside of an ambulance that just happened to be driving by.

I live and work in NYC and for the last 30 plus years I have ridden my bike to work and to get around the city. A couple of years ago I found out about High Visibility Colors and Retro Reflectivity and put the stickers on my helmet, bike and spokes. I feel much more secure when I ride early in the am or late evening and at night knowing that I can be seen by the car drivers. I can't afford not to be seen as it's my life and safety at risk.

Maybe the writer was locked in time and thinking of "tinkies" on the old Schwinns. The little arms on the axles that had a detent that went into a divot on the front fork. These invariable got worn or loose and rattle with a distinct "tinky tinky" sound that drove you stark raving mad. Which is to say that biking safety devices can cause mental illness.

DeLorean's are awesome, one of the few car companies that went around the typical IPO route on Wall Street and based funding solely on an assload of cocaine. The cars were indeed made in Ireland, which is why they got such great mileage, they stop for 15 minutes are every bar(ba-bump).

Pretty much 80% of the US economy ran off cocaine in the 80s. Good times.

Snob, what are you doing for society? You should make tweets about Japanese people for our amusement. (AWw-Fuck!)

Where did all those Deloreans come from? Locally, or did they come from 25 years from now?

CBS' "12 tips" doesn't even mention bike maintenance. I also like the "don't ride after dark" statement. It would have been more informative to tell people how to properly ride at night instead of saying "don't do it."

John DeLorean's book, "On A Clear Day You Can See General Motors" is well worth a read. GM has been a mess for as long as I have been alive, and '57 Chevies are not much older than I am. The book was written before he started his own car company. DeLorean was responsible for a lot of good things at GM, and his car was full of good ideas. Too bad he didn't invent the flux capacitor. Or Mr. Fusion.

The coke thing was late in the game, a desperate attempt to keep his company from going down the tubes. Bad idea, of course. Sorry for posting the more true, less sexy version.

Since when does having basic Boy Scout skills make you the "fashion forward cool kid?"

Mad skills yo! Sad though, that in a disaster situation these fools are going to try to be heros and get everyone killed. "Let's have some cured meat for dinner. I know what I'm doing, I'm wearing flannel.

but are there actually people who don't know how to use a quick-release skewer but do take the time to file off their "lawyer lips?"

Sadly yes, I've seen this rare and wonderous beast. Not surprisingly, he was riding a fixie conversion with a frame way too big for him and when I tried to show him how to work a quick release he gave me a classic "whatever old man" look.

Today's post gave me such an 80's flashback; what with the DeLorean, that Send Me an Angel song by Real Life; and then Commie Canuck's Assload of Cocaine comment just blew me away- back to an off-campus apartment in upstate NewYork. Literally speaking, snorting lines off a co-ed's derriere should count as an assload.

I wonder if we will see more "dangers of cycling" propaganda as gas prices continue to rise and more people start dusting off their old ten speeds. My guess is that we will. There is a link on Rivendell to an interesting video on the TED site. The speaker is pure Scandinavian Smug and a bit of a douche, but he makes some excellent points about fear being used against cycling. My guess is that the prohibitive cost of driving places will help people overcome their fear of riding the "death machine" that is a bicycle... after all, people fear losing money a whole lot too.

Also, the Delorian, though awesome looking, is powered by an anemic Pontiac V6... a cyclist with a rolling start would beat it in a drag race.

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How do you cross railway tracks at something other than 90 degrees? It takes a long time to cross tracks at 0 or 180. Or do they mean exactly 90 degrees? Because, I'm gonna need some specialized gear to hit the tracks at exactly 90 degrees.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!