What You're Missing at SXSW: Missed Connections and Crappy Free Crap

Awwwww, I know it is a shame you aren't here with us at SXSW in Austin. I can only imagine the aching and longing in your heart for walking aimlessly and standing in long lines for no reason, and sweating through your cardigan to see a band you heard on one of the Twilight soundtracks.

You don't want to be here. Turn around, go back home. Go see a movie. Go see that new Oz movie, it looks kinda cool. Take advantage of all the empty bars. Save your money and sleep in your own bed.

Here is what you could expect here in Austin. Take this all as a warning, folks. It's like the last days before the fall of Saigon here, except for all the free Doritos and vodka.

A huge classic-rock act or iconic proto-punk band playing a show you cannot get into without a badge
Haha! But I can! Sorry. This makes up for every time you told all of us to "be jealous" of your lobster dinner when you posted a pic of it on Twitter.

A really bad Mumford & Sons/gutter-punk act playing on a street corner for change
Put some Mumfords on full blast, burn a pot of coffee, set a pack of American Spirits on fire at your desk, and have your co-workers sweat on you while talking super-loud. You are now at SXSW! Wanna get a taco?

A really bad rap group/collective putting on an impromptu concert next to a smoke shop
Smile and nod, smile and nod. Don't laugh when someone screws up a freestyle within the first four bars and rhymes "chicken strips" with "dick-sucking lips."

Some local douchebags roaming Sixth Street dressed up like Kings of Leon
Don't worry, I took a picture of them for you. What a bunch of assholes. I mean seriously... oh sorry, is that your little brother?

That one edgy, indie comedian you like drinking at a bar with a hot chick
You know, the one guy who was in that big summer movie for like five minutes, but he was the best part. Damn, I even have one of his comedy albums too. This is killing me. No, Mitch Hedberg is dead, so it is not him.

A crying girl for no reason
Awwww, she wanted to get into that one day party with the cute tattooed boys, but she's too young and her fake ID was taken away. She never should have left San Marcos for this anyway. I mean, it's not like she called in sick to work to go to this thing anyway. It's not like she has bills to pay. Fuck.

Free energy drinks from the back of a truck
A boobilicious girl in a white tank top with too much makeup on her face is handing out free energy drinks from the back of a giant pickup truck, and there is guy trying to get her phone number while she half-smiles into the distance and tells him he looks thirsty.

A guy or girl dressed like he or she is on the surface of the Sun.
You know you hot, baby, you know you is.

A guy or girl dressed like he or she is in a blizzard
You know you hot, baby, you know you is.

A family of four here for moral support for a loved one in a band
"We didn't know there would be so much drinking, smoking, and cussing. Did that rasta bum just wink at me?"

Aging '90s modern rock band for the people who don't know about new bands
Hey, it's that band that you, I mean, all of us lost our virginity too. Didn't we all lose it to Third Eye Blind? (dead silence)

People taking more than ten seconds to explain their job to you
Oh cute, computers...

People complaining about Green Day not being "punk"
Welcome to the 21st century, Sid. No one cares anymore about punk cred except boring white guys on Facebook. I just hope they play "Walking Contradiction" or the song from Angus.