Sevenish girls load up in beachwear and drive off to a TBD surprise location. They arrive and find out they’re at a lake. Ashley I, the virgin non-journalist you hopefully remember, is a sight. Her face contains about nine (9) ounces of makeup right now. She’s dressed in a USA bikini and high-waisted, stone wash denim cutoffs. ATTRACTIVE. Looks like she was pulled from production of Behind the Belt: The Women of the WWF.

The girls splash in the lake blah blah. Ashley I, virgin madonna, is taking her top off and jumping in the water while– simultaneously– literally— telling us in a voice over how shy she is and how hard it is for her to come out of her shell. Kaitlyn one ups her by taking off her bottoms. We’re off to a great start here.

Meanwhile, back at the house…

It’s like 2 in the afternoon and the girls have poured themselves glasses of wine and are busy chatting and filing their nails. Jillian is passed out face down at the pool with her trusty black box over her bottom. The girls are chattering about when the sisters might arrive– “It could be any minute, we don’t know!”– when– WHAT DO YOU KNOW– the sisters ding dong the doorbell.

The sisters start conducting panel interviews with the five or so girls remaining at the house to figure out who will be awarded the date. The girls are so nervous I actually do feel a little bad for them. You can see Becca’s chest heaving up and down with nerves. The sisters ask contestant Jade what she does, and Jade tells them she is a “model for like a website of clothing” but then says she has launched an organic makeup business. I think this is actually pretty cool! Her tagline in her caption describes her as a “cosmetic developer” which I always thought meant, I don’t know, Mary Kay saleswoman… I wish she would have rocked “small business owner” or something instead.

The sisters enter executive session. The girls are busy steaming artichokes when a card arrives with the sisters’ decision. We find out it will indeed be Jade, cosmetic entrepreneur/model for like a website of clothing, who is going on a special CInderella-themed date with Chris. “I’m ready to be a princess,” she says. Knock yoself out kid.

One more trip back to the lake…

We find out we’re in for a long night ahead because the girls and Chris will be camping overnight at the lake. First they have to put tents together, it’s a riot. Go go bimbo engineers! By now night has fallen on a full moon, the campfire is raging, the tequila is flowing, and Ashley S. is doing some kind of tribal song. Mackenzie is BACK on the subject of aliens and pondering what a great abduction site they’re at.

Ashley S. goes off with Chris and, I don’t know, the woman is not well. I almost feel uncomfortable for being so entertained by her. She is just kind of mumbling crazy things and I really appreciate that ABC has subtitled some of it this week…

The Ashleys switch, and Ashley I. goes off with Chris and blurts out assorted incoherencies. She had one great remark, and I spent like 10 minutes rewinding the DVR to make sure I transcribed this for you all with perfection:

You don’t even understand. I don’t like guys very easily. But like I have a freaking crush on you. It’s like the second you come into the room I feel like I’m like in middle school and I like have a unibrow and a lunch box in my hand and I’m like oh my god, I was like, ooo like there’s a guy, like oh my god, but I feel like everything that’s going to come out of my mouth is like dumb and I’m shy… seriously like you don’t even know.

Umm, Ashley? Your fear about saying dumb things? It’s not entirely unfounded. A bit later, she decides she really wants to tell Chris about being a virgin. By now everyone has retreated to their tents and poor Chris is SLEEPING when she charges his tent like the effing Bastille and just starts yammering really vaguely. The closest she gets to the point is saying she’s “inexperienced in every way possible.” Ashley tells us in her offstage interview, “I feel really good. His face seemed to me to make it seem like he got it.” Chris tells us in his offstage interview, “I have no idea what she’s saying right now.” LOL. Ashley continues to tell us in a voice over that she’s “not a hookup girl” while this simultaneously appears on our screens:

This dame is full of paradoxes.

Act 2: Jade’s Date

We’re back at the house and we find out a “fairy godmother” is coming over to help Jade pick out outfits and jewelry and whatever for her Cinderella date. In a Disney film, this is where a woodland creature with doe eyes would whistle a happy tune and lovingly tie your hair back with a ribbon, but this is The Bachelor so they sent this:

Jade goes off in a limo and we cut to Chris, who is excitedly waiting in a tuxedo to see who his sisters chose for him to go to the royal ball with or whatever. Did I mention, this whole thing is acting as free promo for some new ABC Cinderella movie. Chris says, “Tonight I’m a prince and I’m looking for my Cinderella.” Chris, let me fix this for you: “Tonight I’m a paid employee of the American Broadcasting Company and I’m reading this off a cue card.”

Jade makes the obligatory grand, dramatic descent down the stairs as Chris waits at the bottom:

He’s smiling on the outside but inside you know he’s like, wait what’s your name again?

They go in and have dinner blah blah boring conversation. There is actually an ice sculpture in the shape of a glass slipper. I barfed up a little of the Chipotle burrito bol I just ate.

Back at the house, Ashley I. is acting INSANE levels of crazy and desperate. Watch this show enough and you will become pretty steeled when it comes to displays of crazy/desperate, so this is bad. She wishes she had tonight’s date so badly that she puts on full makeup and a gown she “specifically brought for a princess-themed date.” She pours herself a drink and goes to console herself with corn on the cob. There’s a farm joke here somewhere. Searching… searching… searching… Like she’s saying, WHY BUY THE FARMER WHEN YOU CAN GET THE CORN FOR FREE! Meh I’ll just let this image speak for itself:

And oh my God what is that on the lower edge of the screen, like a sad, wilted rose? I think this is what my high school English teacher called SYMBOLIC IMAGERY bahahahaha I didn’t even notice it till now.

Act 3: Group Date That Ends in a Spectacular Way

Five or so other girls dress up in wedding gowns and go to do a muddy obstacle course thing. Jillian, Crossfit bimbo, takes it really seriously and wins. She states, “Apparently no one is competition for me. They should’ve stayed on the plane, enjoyed the plane ride and the free SNACKS, it’s going to be the highlight of their day. Without them I wouldn’t have looked so good so I’m not complaining.” Jaw drop! She really did emphasize “snacks” in the most obnoxious way possible. She is the worst. JILLIAN YOU TRIPPED ON A RUG LIKE AN IDIOT. NEVER FORGET.

Jillian is rewarded by getting to split off with Chris for a one-on-one date. This is where things take a turn for the spectacular. When Chris asks where she sees herself in five years, she basically says she doesn’t know and doesn’t believe in planning. Which, admittedly, is a nice departure from: WHY, IN IOWA, BEARING YOUR CHILDREN AND FEEDING YOU FORKFULS OF CHERRY PIE, MY DESIROUS PET. Chris asks her other stuff and all Jillian wants to talk about is her fitness hobby and how in shape and fabulous and superior she is. When it comes time to decide if she’ll receive a rose, he starts his usual monologue of platitudes to her, but as soon as that “but” escapes his lips I’m pumping my fist up in the air because he’s now telling her it’s not going to work, and she’s getting on the Airport Van of Rejection!

Awwwwwww boohoo boohoo boohoo someone got weejected by the bacheworrr WELL YOU CAN SUCK IT. I hope your kettle ball keeps you warm at night.

Act 4: Cocktail Party and Rose Time

We’re back to Ashley I. and her little virginity crisis. She is freaking out because she’s sure she “clarified” to Chris that she was a virgin, but now she’s not sure he got it. Ermm, Ashley, I would not say you clarified. If you recall, you told Chris you were “inexperienced in every way possible.” And when we’re talking about every way, that casts a pretty wide net. We could take this to mean:

You are inexperienced playing the tuba

You are inexperienced installing industrial HVAC systems

You are inexperienced performing laparoscopic ventral hernia repair

You get the idea. I don’t even understand why she feels it so necessary to go into this right now. There’s like 12 girls still here and HELLO, do you not watch this show, nobody gets to home base until there’s three left. Unless you’re Juan Pablo and get things started earlier (ayeayeaye). Carly quips hilariously, “I actually did not know that Ashley was a virgin, because I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen thousand times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” ZING! Maybe I like Carly after all.

Time for the roses. Ashley S. goes home (yay!), so does Juelia (daww… I liked her), and some NFL cheerleader Nikki who I didn’t realize was still here. Good game, good game.

The recaps get better and better, every week. I thought the show was better this week. Ashley Kardashian is the absolute worst. Jillian’s exit was epic. She really thought Chris liked her. I’m gonna miss Ashley S and her antics. She did after all, love Chris. See you next week!! xoxo

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I like to think of this as a mom blog with benefits. We reject niches and do it all here— the snarky, the sentimental, the hilarity of the everyday. Always fun, never lame, may contain traces of tree nuts.