Monkey See

12:50 pm

Tue May 28, 2013

A Parade Of Goobers: 17 Actual People Presented To 'The Bachelorette'

Desiree's parade of goobers. You'll notice the one without the shirt on. And the fact that many of them are the same guy.

Kevin FoleyABC

Last night brought the premiere of the new season of The Bachelorette, in which Desiree, who was rejected by Sean on the last season of The Bachelor, was presented with 25 men from whom to choose. The theory is that if television producers choose 25 guys for you to pick from, surely one of them is your soul mate. Makes sense!

More often than not, the 25 people chosen include a critical mass of people who at least meet the low-level standard of, "That's probably an okay dude, if you like that sort of dude." But in Desiree's case, she was presented with such a parade of apparent goobers and weirdos that unless she's planning on going into circus performing, her options are going to be severely limited. All of the following men really happened.

1. A guy who immediately suggested they cut right to the chase and have sex. She did her best to stare ice daggers into his brain, but the next time he ran into her, he did it again. And then she said no. And then he did it again, and she told him to go home, seemingly less because he seemed like a creeper and more because she wouldn't date anyone who thinks she's like that. You know, like that.

2. A guy (billed as a "drilling fluid engineer") who was first seen standing naked on his balcony looking at some deer, and later got out of the limo without his shirt on, asked her, "Will you accept these abs?", and walked around shirtless for the rest of the party.

3. A guy who brought his adorable kid to the opening night of The Bachelorette. Also his mother.

4. A guy who (1) yelled "I LOVE THIS WOMAN!" like the jewelry commercial in his intro video and then (2) high-fived Desiree when they met before (3) telling her he was going to nickname her "Athena" and demanding she think up a nickname for him.

5. A guy whose profession is listed as "Tailor/Magician." Because he's a "Tailor/Magician."

6. A guy who claims to have invented sign-spinning (that thing people do on street corners) (no, that other thing), meaning that, as a friend of mine noted, either he's lying and is a complete [jerk], or he's telling the truth and is still kind of a [jerk]. He closed his intro video "All signs point to love!", meaning that it really doesn't matter that much, because WOW.

7. A dental student who calls himself a Renaissance man for reasons unknown, but who wore his white coat to their first meeting and offered to be her "McDreamy."

8. A guy who showed up wearing armor. He clonked his way over to Desiree very, very slowly (walking in armor is hard!), then announced he was her "knight in shining armor." YOU DON'T SAY. And then he clonked away. Slowly.

9. A guy who forced her to dance and dipped her so ineptly that she almost fell down, then engaged her in a conversation in which he kept taking his glasses off and putting them back on in a way that made him seem genuinely bazoo.

10. A guy who made her snap a literal turkey wishbone with him. (She won. He did not disappear. So much for that.)

11. A guy who peppers his conversation with the word "hashtag."

12. A guy who walked up to her and gave such an intense speech about the importance of loyalty that he really seemed to be promising a life in which she would be constantly tempted to run as far and as fast as possible. BUT SHE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED, because LOYALTY.

13. A guy who gets his charm from wearing sneakers with his tux.

14. A guy who got down on one knee ... but only to say, "Will you ... mind if I tie my shoe?" Har har! She totally thought he was going to propose when they were total strangers!

15. A guy named Juan Pablo, a name she pronounced as if it were wildly exotic, made up of sounds only made by dolphins. (This one was really her fault.)

16. A guy who wore a jacket that said "DESIGNED BY THIS GUY" on the back in letters that appeared to be cut out ransom-note-style.

17. A guy who wrote her a poem that rhymed "emotion" and "ocean." As you do.