Many people are raped and keep it a secret for the rest of their lives. They never go to the police or anything. Why? Why let somebody go free and give him/her a chance to do it a again to somebody else?

I know it must be hard.... but don't you think its slightly selfish to be that way?

VerifiedGold Member

I don't know that selfishness really comes into play. I think it's more about shame, and embarrassment, and a lack of control. I understand what you mean about potentially being able to stop it from happening to someone else, but I think that the damage it does to you kind of overpowers that.

Many people are raped and keep it a secret for the rest of their lives. They never go to the police or anything. Why? Why let somebody go free and give him/her a chance to do it a again to somebody else?

I know it must be hard.... but don't you think its slightly selfish to be that way?

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Here is a short list of reasons why people *MIGHT* not report:

They are ashamed the sex happened.
They are scared it might happen again.
They are worried that opening up about it may cause it to happen again.
They don't like the feeling of being violated and some of them feel they might deserve it, which leads to repression.
They don't want to be labelled as a slut or a tease (in the ridiculous chance that others feel it happened because she was teasing the guy)*

*Sounds dumb, but a friend of mine was raped by a guy and when she told people, most people just brushed it off, claiming she was a slut and she sleeps with everyone, so why was this guy different*

Gold Member

Many people are raped and keep it a secret for the rest of their lives. They never go to the police or anything. Why? Why let somebody go free and give him/her a chance to do it a again to somebody else?

I know it must be hard.... but don't you think its slightly selfish to be that way?[/QUOTE]NO! I don't think it's selfish. :angryfire2: It's called self-preservation and is completely different. I speak as someone who was a virgin when she was raped at 18.5 yrs old; I know from whence I speak. The fucktard who raped me was a local, former, basketball star and much beloved by the campus and community at large. Had I accusd him of rape I knew I would have been accused of asking for it. This was the early 1980's and ALL women were accused of asking for it. Unfortunately this has been common for for centuries.

It doesn't sound dumb at all; that's actually (sadly) really common. You know, the whole thing where guys who sleep around are great, but girls who sleep around are whores.

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That too played thru my mind. I was reared in a conservative religious home. I had planned on being a virgin until marriage. The thought of telling even campus police and risking my name being dragged through the mud and embarassing my family NEVER entered my mind.

Well I think so if it leads to somebody else being raped. They would have an opportunity to prevent it from happening to somebody. You're going let your shame potentially hurt more people?

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It's not my shame that hurts more people it's the rapist! Until it's happend to you Galaxus, you need to STFU! :angryfire2:

FWIW: Men who are raped report it even less frequently than women. :frown1: There is even more shame and disgrace attached to a man who is raped. He is believed to either have been gay and asking for it or not a real man and therefore he probably enjoyed it. :angryfire2:

If you know someone who has been raped and they don't want to go to the police. Back Off! They have their reasons, they can still seek therapy and lead a normal, happy life.

VerifiedGold Member

NO! I don't think it's selfish. :angryfire2: It's called self-preservation and is completely different. The fucktard who raped me was a local, former, basketball star and much beloved by the campus and community at large. Had I accusd him of rape I knew I would have been accused of asking for it.

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Well put! I think that too many people don't tell because the other person is some well-known, well-bred, well-whatever person in the community, and "there's no way he could've done that!"

Gold Member

In my experience, I was left confused by my reactions to what happened. It went on for a while, nearly two years, and by the end of it I was convinced that I was a willing participant.

The guys who were molesting me were 15 and 16... I doubt the authorities would have done much about it. And, I also doubt these boys went on to be serial molestors... they went for girls the very first opportunity they had...

I never told because I didn't want everyone to know... I didn't want to be seen differently, treated differently... and in retrospect, I think that discovery of abuse is often far more traumatic than the abuse itself ( as long as it is non-violent )

One way I dealt with it was to accept my own culpability in what happened. I went back for more. I could have stopped it, I could have told... and I didn't.

Sure, I was a kid and confused and being manipulated by someone older, but at no point was I unaware of the option of making a stink.

I am not suggesting that my experience is common, nor that the way I dealt with it is how everyone should...

as mixed up as I was about the event at the time, I am faced with a choice... while I did not chose the experience, and given the option probably would not have chosen it, like the OP, there was something about the sensations that I 'liked'.

Enough that I did go back for more, and I can not escape responsibility for my own curiosity and sexual precociousness.

Tho I would not wish it on anyone, nor deny the suffering of others who went thru far worse... I have to admit in all honesty that I do not regret the experience.

Gold Member

But I think we as a society need to fight this way of thinking that you should be ashamed of being a victim..... its heartbreaking....

EDIT: all it takes is one person to step up...

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I apologize for lashing out at you. :redface: I just checked your post history and it seems there is someone close to you who may or may not have been raped quite a while ago. :frown1: My advice is to stop harping on them. You aren't helping, :no: if anything you will make them feel worse. If she is anything like I was, all she wants to do is get tested to make sure she didn't catch anything and then forget about it.

I apologize for lashing out at you. :redface: I just checked your post history and it seems there is someone close to you who may or may not have been raped quite a while ago. :frown1: My advice is to stop harping on them. You aren't helping, :no: if anything you will make them feel worse. If she is anything like I was, all she wants to do is get tested to make sure she didn't catch anything and then forget about it.

But I think we as a society need to fight this way of thinking that you should be ashamed of being a victim..... its heartbreaking....

EDIT: all it takes is one person to step up...

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And that's going to take a LONG time to deal with, especially with the ongoing social taboos attached to sex. missdee nailed it on the head when she mentioned the word "shame", especially for a boy who may have been raped or sexually abused by another man. You first think it's your fault because you either put too much trust into someone or placed yourself into a situation that you couldn't get out of. You worry about how your loved ones would view you knowing that you've been sexually active. God forbid that it happens to be homosexual in nature.

This is what I had to go through. And just like Phil, I somehow felt that the only way to deal with it was to keep going back so that nobody would say a word. It took me years later, and an elementary school counselor in order to get things out in the open.

Gold Member

I think a common reason not to report it is simply that the process of making it known, the police, the public reaction, the accusations and denials, and the chance that nothing will be done... that everyone will look at you differently from then on...

That can be like being raped a second time, only with everyone watching.

Gold Member

Police often DONT believe them .. especially if its a male who accuses another of Rape Keep in mind there are times of Women 'crying rape' and its a false allegation .. (very false) .The accuser and the cops dont appear to give a Fck that the person accused falsely .. has spent 000s to defend the allegations / had his whole Family and Personal Life destroyed - Forever usually and invariably the accuser gets off with no more than a reprimand from a stern looking Judge putting on a show for the Public Equal?? i dont think so I believe a false accuser should be put thru the mill as much as a rapist..too many times they have been accused...Trauma..fckn ass. I am speaking from experiences of supporting folk so i am not talking shit. .We ALL KNOW that its is a heinous act....Male to Male or to Female I am just speaking up for those (male) who have been affected .. and prefer not to tell there own story. enz I know it must be hard.... but don't you think its slightly selfish to be that way? Selfish maybe..self Preservation usually with there family and childrens embarrasment at stake - Yes' it almost pays off to keep quiet. Agree with missdee on some matters.

I was molested by some boys who where 15 - 16 , I was 9, then of all things I was raped at knife point in college. The ass caught me going to my car and at stuck a knife in my ribs and forced me into the car .

The first incident with the boys, I was completely ashamed and scared to tell. they lived in the area and I just knew they would hurt me so I kept my mouth shut. The rape, well the area I lived, and the year,1990, the women was thought of as wanting it, or did you fight him off, and better yet, lets drag your name through the news/mud and but "it comes down to he said she said." (AS quoted by the police) BTW he was a drifter, so no chance of knowing where he was.
I have a strange way of dealing with things. Since my life has had many hard times I say "shit happens, learn to take from it what will make you strong, learn from it and to hell with the rest" Not all people are capaple of doing that but so far for me it has worked.

Gold Member

Many people are raped and keep it a secret for the rest of their lives. They never go to the police or anything. Why? Why let somebody go free and give him/her a chance to do it a again to somebody else?

I know it must be hard.... but don't you think its slightly selfish to be that way?

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i'm amused by the 'why let them go free?' line.
conviction rates for rape are less than 6%.

less than 6%!

so i could've had of a rape kit...just what i wanted. a doc exposing me and poking around after something like that.
and i could've given a statement...relived the agony for a couple of stone faced cops.
and i could've been torn apart on the witness stand, been made to relive it in graphic detail for a huge courtroom full of strangers, had my sexual past twisted and thrown in my face, been called a liar.
and after all that he would've walked free anyway.
and then i could've had everyone in the town know, and have them all stare at me and whisper, and have most of them think i'm a slut and a bitch who made it up for attention, because the jury found him innocent.

unless a woman is beaten half to death if it's domestic or date rape, or she's been snatched off the street wearing the most modest clothes she owns, the guy is almost a dead cert to walk free.

selfish?

there is NOTHING selfish about needing to survive.
the will to survive got you through it.
the legal process is more than most women can take.
they're beyond breaking point.
the only way they feel they can survive it is to bury it until they've recovered enough strength to face it.
going through the legal process is keeping open a bleeding wound for YEARS.
most women can't do it. can't. it's not even a choice for them.

i wish i lived in your happy little world where the bad guys go to prison and the victims are treated like people. it certainly isn't reality!

i'm amused by the 'why let them go free?' line.
conviction rates for rape are less than 6%.

less than 6%! Thats horrible in the UK

so i could've had of a rape kit...just what i wanted. a doc exposing me and poking around after something like that.You would need a rape kit to have evidence in court and to validate your health afterwards. Its the smart thing to do even though it may feel unpleasent, embarassing, and uncomfortable.

and i could've given a statement...relived the agony for a couple of stone faced cops.Again, necesary for court.

and i could've been torn apart on the witness stand, been made to relive it in graphic detail for a huge courtroom full of strangers, had my sexual past twisted and thrown in my face, been called a liar.That will happen. That's what defense lawyers do. They twist your words and try to break you.

and after all that he would've walked free anyway. You don't know that.

and then i could've had everyone in the town know, and have them all stare at me and whisper, and have most of them think i'm a slut and a bitch who made it up for attention, because the jury found him innocent.I really don't know where people get this from. You accuse somebody of rape and everyone thinks you're a slut? That just doesn't make sense to me.

unless a woman is beaten half to death if it's domestic or date rape, or she's been snatched off the street wearing the most modest clothes she owns, the guy is almost a dead cert to walk free. Thats why this needs to be changed. Keeping silent isn't gonna help anything.

selfish?

there is NOTHING selfish about needing to survive.
the will to survive got you through it.
the legal process is more than most women can take.
they're beyond breaking point.
the only way they feel they can survive it is to bury it until they've recovered enough strength to face it.
going through the legal process is keeping open a bleeding wound for YEARS.
most women can't do it. can't. it's not even a choice for them.

i wish i lived in your happy little world where the bad guys go to prison and the victims are treated like people. it certainly isn't reality!

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And I wish I lived in your world where being silent leaving oppression and abuse in the past means that I'm safe for the rest of my days.

I know that was harsh and some people will hate me for saying that but so be it.

I shouldn't expect everyone to be a martyr for a cause. I know what I'm saying is easier said than done. I know that it is hard as hell to experience this....But if we want to reduce rape rates and increase conviction rapes, we must talk about, tell the truth, be strong and fight through this pseudo-shame.

Silence isn't going to prevent this from happening to my unborn children, to my little cousins, to my friends, and to people who are complete strangers to me....

I may be in the minority, and you all can tell me to STFU.... but this silence really shouldn't be accepted as the right way to go anymore.