Friday, July 22, 2011

Truly Awful Jokes

I saw a pageful of jokes during my lunchtime webcrawl. They were mostly groan-worthy, but I thought I'd share the worst of the worst...

If you repeat any of these to me at the next blogmeet, I get to kick you in the crotch!

A priest, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into bar, the barman takes one look and says - "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I was dining al fresco this evening and it started raining.....took me 3 hours to eat my soup.

A web designer walks into a bar, but immediately leaves when he sees they are using tables. Just not his style.

What did one snowman say to another? "Do you smell carrots?"

Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal? It's called Raisins D'etre.

A little girl is crying inconsolably at the side of the road. A kind woman stops to find out what is the matter. “My kitty just died” sobs the girl. The woman wants to offer some comfort. “Well you can be happy to know your kitty is in heaven with Jesus”. The girl stops crying, looks at the woman in amazement and replies “What would Jesus want with a dead cat?”

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

Q: What's brown and sticky?A: A stick.

Why is the area between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? They could have fit another pair of tits in there.

Q: How many PR people does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Let me get back to you on that.

So there's these two fish in a tank.One says to the other, "You drive, I'll man the gun."

A man is walking down a rural road when he sees a farmer feeding his pigs from an apple tree. The farmer picks up a pig and holds it next to a branch so that it can eat an apple from the tree. Then, he puts the pig down, picks up another pig and repeats the process.

The man says to the farmer: "You could save a lot of time by hitting that tree with a stick. All the apples would fall to the ground and feed the pigs at the same time." The farmer replied: "Yeah, I thought about that. But then it occurred to me, what's time to a pig?"

Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0K.

I'm going to keep on telling you this TCP joke until you get it.

An AT&T cell tower walks into a bar and says, "I wo...enj...blac...nin...ou.........."

Q: How do you know if someone's vegan?A: Oh, they'll tell you...

Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?A: He started eating the pizza long before it was cool

A reporter and an editor are lost in a desert. They'd run out of water a while back and they are totally lost and thirsty when they finally approach a rocky, mossy area with a couple of shrubs and the tiniest little trickle of a spring. The editor hands the reporter the empty canteen and gestures for him to go ahead and fill it. It's taking forever, though, and the editor impatiently waves him aside, hikes up her skirt, squats over the spring, and pees in it.

The reporter stares at her, shocked.

"What's your problem?" says the editor. "I was just trying to give you a little more to work with!"

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

This Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's pretty cool - where'd you get that?""Brooklyn", says the frog, "they're all over the place there!"

A man walks into a dentist's office. The dentist asks, "What seems to be the problem?""Well," said the man, "I'm a moth.""A Moth? You mean the little insect with wings?""Right, a moth.""Oh," said the dentist, "You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come to my office?""Your light was on."

Two cannibals are having dinner, and one of them says to the other, "Man, I really don't like my mother-in-law." The other sighs and says, "Well then just eat the noodles."

Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

A byte walks into a bar looking dejected. Bartender asks "What's wrong?". The byte replies "I think I have a parity error". The bartender says "Yeah, you did look a bit off..."

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? Ask Hugh Hefner.

An engineer, a mathematician, and an english teacher are given the task of enclosing the largest possible space with a given portion of fencing. The english teacher tries various lengths and widths, measuring the area each time, and after a few hours finally settles on a square, still wondering if he got it right. The engineer takes two minutes to make a circle out of his fencing and then leaves for the bar. The mathematician thinks for a moment, rolls the fencing up very tightly, sticks it into the ground like a post, and says "I declare myself to be inside the fenced area!"

Two Democrats are flying across country in a small plane. Somewhere over Kansas, they develop engine trouble and make a forced landing in the middle of nowhere. After waiting a few days for rescue, they decide to go for help. While trudging along, they stumble across some railroad tracks. They follow them for hours, then one remarks, "Man, these stairs go on forever!" The other adds, "Yeah, but it wouldn't be so bad if the damn handrail weren't so low!"

Q: How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: I don't know. I left.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Why do you think the light bulb needs to be screwed back in?

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late for dinner?A: She gave him the cold shoulder.