7 Days Renamed for the Better

Are you day?

Yesterday we renamed the 12 months. Now it’s time to rename the years because… sorry, the days! The days, not years. Those day SOBs have been playing havoc with everyone for a long time. Sometimes it’s difficult to even remember what day it is. “What day is it, wife?!” you might scream at your husband, but you don’t know because you’ve been drinking orange juice all day and you’re overdosing on fruit fibre. So, to save lives, we’ve renamed the days.

Monkey

Replacing Monday is this life-affirming new hairy dude. Monday is a negative day for about 99% of the planet, but if you change that to “monkey”, with mandatory accompaniment of monkey noises whenever you say the word, then you’ve got productivity through the roof!

Chewsday

This day is all about mastication (no, not that other word, you vile pervert). You must chew your way through this day on food, otherwise you will become emaciated. The downside? After a few months of this the global obesity epidemic will be pretty terrible. This isn’t assisted by…

WedNESday

Today is all about the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). It’s mandatory to spend at least 12 hours playing NES games. Failure to do so will result in a 30% wage reduction for the world’s workers, so you’d better get yourself a NES!

Doomsday

It’s nearing the end of the week, so keep everyone on their toes with this morbid potentiality. With the fear of death in their feeble brains, humans will work a damn sight harder in order to just see it through to the end of the week. No bloody slacking!

Thursday

Friday will be renamed Thursday, just to be difficult for the sake of it. The idea is for a mixture of negative and positive reactions, as workers arise and think, “Oh, no, it’s Thursday!” yet then realise it’s actually Friday. Even though it’s now Thursday. The downside to this is the constant negative and positive reinforcements could lead to numerous psychotic episodes.

Radioactive Decay

What used to be a fun weekend day for workers is now another morbid reminder of horrible stuff. Households will also be supplied with a small amount of radioactive decay which, each Radioactive Decay, they must sit and stare at for at least 30 minutes. This will allow them to find a better conceit of themselves. It’ll also help them to glow in the dark, thusly saving on electricity.

Subway

Sponsored by Subway Sandwiches, this new day is all about Subway. All marketing material the world over will be Subway related – it’s also mandatory to eat at least three of the sandwiches during the 24 hour day. It’s Subway sponsored, but other companies and organisations can bid to run the day.

This could lead to some interesting changes to Subway (Sunday), such as the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) Day, Disney Day, or Pot Noodle Day. But it’ll probably just descend into a bidding war between the ultra-rich companies, so expect either Google, Apple, or Walmart Day. Hurray!

Look, this blog is called Professional Moron for a reason. I’ve no idea what you just postulated… it has something to do with Ocean’s Eleven? I’ve not seen that film, but I presume I have to see that… what about 12 Monkeys? 127 Hours? Apollo 13? Just anything with numbers.

Monkey, Chewsday, WedNESday, Doomsday, Thursday, Radioactiveday, Subway…… hmmm, not much ring to it.
How will the old poem go? Monkey’s child is full of grace, Chewsday’s child is fair of face, WedNESday’s child is full of woe, Doomsday’s child has far to go, Thursday’s child is loving and giving, Radioactiveday’s child works hard for a living, And the child that is born on the Subway day/Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.
Hmmmm, not bad, actually!

That’s too confusing for me to get my head around, I’m afraid, I just renamed the days after doing a 24 hour handstand. Upon righting myself, whilst frothing wildly at the mouth, I scribbled it all down. Such is the nature of genius.