Thursday, April 15, 2010

Star Wars is a film and merchandise phenomenon that has taken the world by storm. Here, we dig deep into the plot of Star Wars 4: "Regular Star Wars".This is what all the fuss is about...

Star Wars 1: "Regular Star Wars"In a galaxy far far away, the entire universe is in a civil war. The words scrolling across the screen have told us that the world is in peril, and that this happened a long time ago, when things were easier. Everyone dressed just like it was 1979 though. Maybe it was so long ago, that it was like, -1979 so they all looked the same. I bet all there pubic hair styles were 1979 style also. Or as they say, -1979.Princess Leah, the Princess of Algernon, has had enough of this universal civil war, that encompasses the entire universe, and is going to fix it. She is in charge of a group of people who clearly don't want to win a war because they are being led by a woman. Anyway, I'm pretty sure a tractor beam (from Star Trek) brings her into the Death Star.The Death Star is a big planet looking black thing where everybody lives. Well, not everybody, but at least the Grandma Tarkin and Darth Vader. Darth Vader isn't even the boss though, which seems to me that if you dressed like that, and were just salary like everybody else, you might be spending some time in HR for insubordination. I know he is more important than the regular storm troopers, but it still seems like sort of a slap in the face to his superiors. Maybe he could just not shave instead, or wear a hilarious tie, or screw his boss' wife like the rest of us.So Grandma Tarkin and his boys are all cruising around in this spaceship called "Death Star" just macking on space hos. I bet there is a sweet bar on the Death Star called the "Death Bar" which is sort of a play on words.Luckily before the Princess was captured, she sent a hologram message, which is like an email except no one can really see it because she put it in this dude named R2D2 who talks with beeps and horn blasts and whistles and whatever else dumb noises they could find. But everybody can understand him except for us, the people watching the movie, so maybe they should rethink that. Because if there is anybody who should understand what everyone is saying, it should be us, the people watching this thing.So this guy and his buddy, C-3PO (who doesn't do anything, and is just another message about American's excessiveness, that we would make a robot that doesn't do shit but talk like a gay British guy) wind up in this hillbilly planet at the towing yard with this dude who works there named Luke Skywalker with his mom and dad, Bill and Gladys. So Luke is all cleaning these motherfuckers when the thing turns on and he sees the Princess telling him that she needs help. So it's kinda like a message in a bottle. So hopefully this was the Princess' backup plan because this was a terrible idea, the more I think about it.Well down the street in the creepy house lives this dude. Now I do appreciate this part of the story, because it is a shout out to "To Kill a Mockingbird".In "Mockingbird", there was a guy who lived down the street named Boo Radley. Well, the Skywalkers have an old retard too, named Obi Kenobi. If you rearrange the letters in his name you get Ken Obiobi, who is the actor that played Boo Radley. Look it up.Anyway, Obi is like, the jam ninja or Brazilian street fighter or whatever equivalent you think there is, but instead in this place, they call him a Jedi.Jedis are like super good at fighting and reading and focusing on shit. So Luke asks this dude Obi to help him get the princess, but Obi is all like, you have to do it on your own, because Jedi blah blah blah.So then Luke needs a space boat to get the princess from the Death Star so he calls Han Solo, who used to be his really cool stepdad that played in a band and smoked. Han Solo is like...Indiana Jones except he wears a vest and is a pilot. Sounds pretty gay, eh? Well it would sound gay, if I didn't tell you that he cruises around the galaxy looking for trouble with his big hairy friend that doesn't wear pants. Now who's gay?So they set something up, and they go to the Death Star wear they are not welcome, and are jailed and sent to some garbage room where the walls and ceiling close in on them and they have to go back out. Now they are part of the rebel force, even though I'm not sure what they are rebelling against. Shouldn't the Death Star guys be the rebels?Hey, I didn't write this fucking garbage.Anyway, Obi Kenobi comes and has a fight with Darth Vader, (who still isn't the boss) and he dies, not Darth, but Kenobi dies and also leaves a hologram message in the robot guys and C-3PO acts like a dainty little lady, and the Luke has to fight Darth Vader (even though he isn't the boss) but to get to Grandma Tarkin, first you must Jedi or something or other, and then Luke finds out that Darth was his dad and that he also is a Jedi, so they have a ninja fight on top of this....ridiculous cliff in the middle of a ship. Why would you build that? Also, why would you name your ship the Death Star?Anyway, Luke and fruity Han and Co. get the Princess and they take off to this planet that looks like Mexico and they all eat dragon meat or whatever animals they have on MexTon 6.

I think this is a great movie.B-* Writer's note- I have never seen Star Wars because when I was little my mom wouldn't let me watch it and now I'm too old to start watching new things.-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach