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Author
Topic: Sex. (Read 7219 times)

Does anyone have any advice on how to negotiate intimacy after you are newly diagnosed. My viral load is so high, that I hesitate to even kiss my BF, especially considering "benign" nature with which I contracted the disease. It might be silly, but I think I want to wait until my viral load goes down a bit before really being intimate with anyone. I suppose it won't be so difficult a task considering my BF lives across the continent from me.

My BF has been extremely supportive, but he also has his questions (which are generally fueled by lack of information about the disease). My apologies for sounding crass, but how do you work through the whole "Who gets to sleep on the wet spot?" discussion -- and the spectrum of other issues that will invariably come up over the next little bit. Nobody ever worries about little sperms burrowing through unbroken skin before HIV came around, but now... there is stigma, there is weight, there are emotions involved, and there isn't a whole lot of reason.

Does anyone have advice for my BF -- who does not have much support himself? Yes, there there are the forums on this site, but what about other sources? Has anyone had a difficult time convincing a significant other to take the plunge and seek mental health support?

... I suppose there aren't cut and dry answers to these questions, but I would be interested in hearing how others have dealt with these issues.

Does anyone have any advice on how to negotiate intimacy after you are newly diagnosed. My viral load is so high, that I hesitate to even kiss my BF, especially considering "benign" nature with which I contracted the disease.

Nobody ever worries about little sperms burrowing through unbroken skin before HIV came around, but now... there is stigma, there is weight, there are emotions involved, and there isn't a whole lot of reason.

Md,

Given that the jury is still out a bit regarding the veracity of your status - and given the fact that you've noted your BF lives across the continent, it might be wise to hold the phone a touch regarding this whole discussion, no?

I'm reporting your post here - not to be malicious, but because there was still some debate about whether your other thread belonged in AAI or where. That might yet be the case with this thread. I mean seriously...dubious test results based on a self-administered HIV test (which you stole, btw) resulting from what science and history have generally held to be a non-risk incident.

In my defense, there is no question about my HIV status -- at least not from the standpoint of both my Primary Care Physician and HIV Care Specialist, who is one of the foremost physicians in the field. Of course, your moderators may have more information than them, and I would certainly welcome their input. This was the last place I expected to be harassed about this sort of issue, but I suppose we have a lot of education to pursue, even among our own ranks.

As far as my last test is concerned, I am a certified HIV Testing Counselor, and would never advocate for patients to ever use "at-home testing kits", stolen or otherwise. They are often difficult to interpret (evident even by the disagreement within this forum on how to interpret), and everyone is entitled to appropriate counseling and access to care.

Personally, I think I would find it more helpful if we used these forums to address raised concerns, as opposed to argue about categories and labels. Even if I wasn't positive, I am sure there are people out there with these same questions who would benefit equally from a dignified response.

My last post was also tagged for review, but was never moved to another forum. If you are unable to get past this, I suppose I will just have to wait another couple of weeks until I get a new round of tests (to gauge treatment options). I guess I am in no hurry, and am not going anywhere. But I will expect some very thoughtful responses when I return!

In my defense, there is no question about my HIV status -- at least not from the standpoint of both my Primary Care Physician and HIV Care Specialist, who is one of the foremost physicians in the field. Of course, your moderators may have more information than them, and I would certainly welcome their input. This was the last place I expected to be harassed about this sort of issue, but I suppose we have a lot of education to pursue, even among our own ranks.

As far as my last test is concerned, I am a certified HIV Testing Counselor, and would never advocate for patients to ever use "at-home testing kits", stolen or otherwise. They are often difficult to interpret (evident even by the disagreement within this forum on how to interpret), and everyone is entitled to appropriate counseling and access to care.

Personally, I think I would find it more helpful if we used these forums to address raised concerns, as opposed to argue about categories and labels. Even if I wasn't positive, I am sure there are people out there with these same questions who would benefit equally from a dignified response.

My last post was also tagged for review, but was never moved to another forum. If you are unable to get past this, I suppose I will just have to wait another couple of weeks until I get a new round of tests (to gauge treatment options). I guess I am in no hurry, and am not going anywhere. But I will expect some very thoughtful responses when I return!

Queen, obviously you didn't bother to carefully read the last post I made to you. If you do, you will note that I state that my reporting this has no malicious intent.

As a "certified HIV counselor", I would expect you to appreciate that there are right ways and wrong ways to go about things. This website has rules established for posting, whether those rules are to your liking or not. I would also expect someone in such a position to fully appreciate why this whole scenario sounds dubious at best.

The mods will see this thread and will then make some sort of statement about it. And no, your last post has not (perhaps yet) been moved to another forum - but then these forums do not entirely revolve around you, do they? It may be that the situation regarding your last post has not yet been properly reviewed. I don't know. But I have faith that after THIS reporting, they will make some sort of statement so that all of us know how to proceed from here.

I am fully able to "get past this", as you say, once I know what the mods have to say about it. While waiting for me to get past it, you can get over it.

Wow. If the moderators would find it helpful for me to forward to them e-mails from my docs outlining the results of my tests and their thoughts on the situation, I would have no problem with that. These forums also have rules against personal attacks, and they are supposed to be a safe place to discuss valid concerns. I'd originally come here because I cannot attend "group" meetings because I'm scared that if I tell the wrong person, it might affect my chances for becoming a surgeon. So much for strength in numbers.

Thanks for your support.

(P.S. Philly, I take very poor care of my gums, they bleed every time I brush my teeth. My BF also has periodontal disease. Anyway, I did mention that I knew that it SOUNDED SILLY. It didn't stop me from kissing him when I went to visit, it just made me hesitate. Don't tell me you never felt that in your first month post-diagnosis.)

If you are HIV positive then i'm sorry about your status. What pisses everyone off is that you claim to be a professional HIV councellor and yet, say things like "I'm afraid of kissing my bf" which makes absolutely no sense if you were educated. You also would be the only person in the world to get HIV in a sexual situation without cum contact. At least, people saying that they were infected without anal contact admit they had cum in their mouth. In your case, HIV comes from masturbation. Unless I missed something important this is just total bullshit.

These forums also have rules against personal attacks, and they are supposed to be a safe place to discuss valid concerns. I'd originally come here because I cannot attend "group" meetings because I'm scared that if I tell the wrong person, it might affect my chances for becoming a surgeon. So much for strength in numbers.

Thanks for your support.

Be it stated once again that my position in this is not one of personal attack. I would want you - and anyone else - to get the absolute most from these forums. It is precisely because of the respect - and indeed love - I have for these forums and the people posting in them that I am in high protection mode right now.

I didn't have to "negotiate intimacy" in the days following my diagnosis, because I had no sex drive at all. None. Zero. In my humble opinion, a positive Western Blot works much better than a cold shower in lowering the sex drive. The last thing in the world that I was interested in doing was squirting my Viral Load all over somebody, sleeping anywhere near a wet spot, or subjecting my falling T-cells to somebody else's germs. And I caught HIV the old-fashioned way (sexual intercourse) -- if I had acquired it the new, modern way (jacking off while having gum disease?), I would definitely want to avoid sex for a while. But I guess this varies from person to person.

The case you bring to us is a complex and fraught one, which is part of the reason you're copping some flak right now. The other reason is that a dearly loved member of our community has just died and so a lot of us are feeling a bit raw and exposed.

So you might forgive some of us if we seem a little less than accepting.

Rather than becoming combative and defensive (and I can understand why you would feel that way) might I suggest that you use the report to moderator facility to deal with posts in this thread that have upset you? It's their job to arbitrate over disputes.

In my situation, I have a long term BF - 3 years (well, I consider that long, at least). I am going to school on the East Coast, he is stuck working back West. We were supposed to have a monogamous relationship, but I fucked it up. Not that this is a proper defense, but life in a hospital sucks (I don't need to tell ya'll that). And I only see my BF 2-3 times a year. So, fine I went and pursued a less than healthy chance for human contact, and it backfired. That doesn't mean I don't still love my BF dearly, and I am fortunate enough for him to still love me back. If that causes resentment among anyone out there, I'm sorry for that.

I never saw my HIV diagnosis as a prescription for death (Anyone need more proof of my previous life as an HIV Counselor... I do have photos... which I'd be happy to share once I became more comfortable with my diagnosis and people outside my close circle of friends knowing about it). The only prescriptions for death are the ones that come with non-adherence to medication. At least, those are the only patients I ever see in the hospital.

I flew back home, and after several very difficult days, my BF and I shared some very intense emotions. We'd spent so long wanting to be with each other. How do you just turn that off? I wasn't able to.

I also caught HIV the old fashioned way. Oral sex (not masturbation as implied by other forum members).

And thank you, MtD ---I am truly sorry for the loss to your community, but I do not apologize for my condition. It is up to us to stick together in these rough times. I am an artist and a very soon-to-be doctor. I'm full of contradictions. I'm sure I will write a book about all of this some day... people are always telling me to write a book. It will give me something to laugh about when I am old and grey and losing my dentures on the nightstand. I still have hope.

I didn't have to "negotiate intimacy" in the days following my diagnosis, because I had no sex drive at all. None. Zero. In my humble opinion, a positive Western Blot works much better than a cold shower in lowering the sex drive. The last thing in the world that I was interested in doing was squirting my Viral Load all over somebody, sleeping anywhere near a wet spot, or subjecting my falling T-cells to somebody else's germs. And I caught HIV the old-fashioned way (sexual intercourse) -- if I had acquired it the new, modern way (jacking off while having gum disease?), I would definitely want to avoid sex for a while. But I guess this varies from person to person.

I never saw my HIV diagnosis as a prescription for death The only prescriptions for death are the ones that come with non-adherence to medication. At least, those are the only patients I ever see in the hospital.

Well, if you read around here on the forums tonight you will find another that falls outside this prescription.

I also caught HIV the old fashioned way. Oral sex (not masturbation as implied by other forum members).

For the record: the discrepancy about this situation extends beyond just you. This forum routinely advises untold numbers of people not to worry about scenarios exactly like the one you espouse. It absolutely cannot stand that we offer advice one way to the population at large and then ignore those same beliefs where you are concerned. It has to be addressed for the integrity of these forums. It's not quibbling.

Poz, even if it may not seem so to you, we're actually listening to you carefully.

Just recently we've had a number of situations in which people were claiming to be positive and we have had substantive reasons to question how truthful and/or accurate they were being with us.

If you were infected in the manner you have reported that's certainly something that would give us cause to pause. We await hearing further about your tests. In the meantime as Em has suggested, you may find reading the lessons on site and following the threads to be helpful.

Good news everybody, we can finally stop bickering. My BF just called to tell me he wants to break up. Not that I can blame him. No need to answer my questions, as I suppose none of them are relevant anymore.

Good news everybody, we can finally stop bickering. My BF just called to tell me he wants to break up. Not that I can blame him. No need to answer my questions, as I suppose none of them are relevant anymore.

I fail to see how a failed relationship could be construed as good news, nor how breaking up with him can possibly put the circumstances of your infection to rest one way or another.

As regards the "wet spot", take it yourself. I love it, but then again I eat dark meat on a turkey, too, and am considered perverse (not to mention depraved).

Logged

Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

For the record: the discrepancy about this situation extends beyond just you. This forum routinely advises untold numbers of people not to worry about scenarios exactly like the one you espouse. It absolutely cannot stand that we offer advice one way to the population at large and then ignore those same beliefs where you are concerned. It has to be addressed for the integrity of these forums. It's not quibbling.

Indeed. And it only took 3 days to appear in the "Am I Infected" section of the web forum with someone directly referencing this thread.

My viral genotype came back today pan-sensitive to all known drugs. They also sequenced my virus and found it to only have a couple minor mutations here and there. This is good news, I suppose. The other good news is that my BF has decided to get professional help (both medically - he found a doc to get tested, and psychologically - he scheduled an appointment to see a therapist).

It is truly unfortunate if that knowledge causes a paradigm shift in your forums, but that is not a problem created by me. I understand to some extent why advice is dispensed as it is on this site, and I understand the general demographic the site organizers are wishing to help. That still does not change the fact that I was infected through a blow job.

I will be starting Atripla in the very new future in an effort to try to mediate this acute infection. Wish me luck.

P.S. I'm also OK with the wet spot. To be honest, my BF would always change the sheets anyway when we made a mess before I was infected. Always seemed a bit unnecessary. Maybe we can just continue to do that. But he also worries about me cumming on his chest... i.e. "What if I have a cut?" ... and I'm sure there will be a lot of racing to the bathroom to wash up right after sex and stuff like that. Maybe it will get better ... maybe it will get worse. I am thankful to have things off as good as I do right now. I guess these are just minor issues in the larger scheme of things, and I am even more thankful that we live in a time when these questions are even being asked.

Being this newly diagnosed I think those seemingly irrational fears about infection scenarios are quite understandable. Even when you really ought to know better doubt can easily take hold. Also, the counsellor at the clinic where I was diagnosed told me people who believe they were infected via oral sex (and he told me they crop up on a fairly regular basis) usually have much greater difficulty adjusting to sex and intimacy post-diagnosis.

Glad to hear there's a chance your relationship might survive after all. Hopefully you can work through the issues together.