Offseason Update: Jay Cutler Looks Like A 300 lb Lesbian

Cutler was the subject of internet humiliation earlier this week after Cavallari’s innocent snap of the three-year-married couple cozying up on a boat went viral. Body-shamers went after Cutler’s physique.

Look Kristin, I know you look sizzling hot in this picture, but have some self-awareness for me one time! One time! You had to have known that backlash was inevitable, especially after the piss poor season Cutler just had. Quick question Cavallari, was 86,541 likes worth ruining your vacation? Because there is absolutely no chance Cutler didn’t throw a shit fit and pout for the remainder of the trip.

We’ve all seen Cutler’s body language on the field. The way the “don’t care” quarterback mopes around between the sidelines. I can only imagine how he behaves when his feelings are hurt. Now these are all assumptions, but the comparable would be a toddler having a temper tantrum mixed with a teenage girl who was just dumped for the first time.

The thin skinned quarterback definitely refused to get out of bed after this photo went viral. I’m talking blinds closed; a pint of Ben and Jerry’s half-baked by his side, just binge watching old high school highlights, reminiscing about the times he was actually good, and skinny. How would he be able to watch his high school highlights all the way down in Mexico? Well, he packs it with him on every vacation for emergency situations like the one found himself in this week.

Besides copious amounts of sexual favors, the only way Kristin was going to get Cutler out of bed and out of his funk was if she agreed to give him final say on her next Instagram post. The gram below was probably taken about 8-12 times, each time Cutler telling Cavallari to hold the phone up higher for a better angle. It also started with Cutler’s shirt fully buttoned, but with each subsequent take, more buttons were undone.

P.S – If you are bored at work and are looking for time to kill, I highly suggest going through the comments on the boat Instagram. It’s a mix of fire insults about Jay’s appearance, and weirdo’s shaming other people for body shaming. Fascinating to say the least.