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Saturday, May 31, 2014

Confession 2

Public Confessor

They were showing Casablanca one night only on the big screen at the Classic Cinema and I told my husband Bill I wished we could go because it's my favorite movie, but of course we couldn't because our best friends the Harpers were coming over for dinner at eight o'clock. Then I came up with a plan.

I burned the chicken.

I figured the Harpers would decide to leave and go to a restaurant and we could make the nine o'clock showing. But Sally Harper suggested we just order a pizza from Dominos. I needed a Plan B fast, so I started yelling at Bill that he should have reminded me to take out the chicken. He caught on and yelled back and pretty soon we were having this big brawl on the living room floor. Bill started choking me and when the Harpers finally pulled him off me I pretended to be unconscious.

Sally said she was gonna call an ambulance but I "came to" and said I was okay and she said she was gonna call the cops on Bill, but I talked her out of it, saying it was all a misunderstanding and Bill was in therapy to control his temper.

Anyway, the Harpers left and we made it to Casablanca, but I've always felt a little bad because we lost our best friends, partly because of the fight, and partly because when the movie ended and we got up to leave we discovered the Harpers were sitting two rows behind us.

Penance: Watch the colorized version of Casablanca on TV while eating a giant tub of McNuggets.