While typing the words that you are reading right now, I hope an idea will come from nowhere to make this blog post something worthwhile to read. The problem is, I’m always trying to think of something to write about that people will read and entertain them even just a little bit.

But I decided to write this article in that sanguine expectation if I just keep writing, inspiration will hit me and I’ll be able to write the best darn article ever… that won’t be shared or even commented on.

I have this misguided ego where I actually believe people come to my blog to read my blog posts. It’s the most bizarre thought. No one really cares what I write.

And yet I sit here waiting for something that’s not going to happen. That sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Life not offering a bloody thing but the words you’re reading. Since no one is reading this right now, I know I can write a bunch of crap. Oh, that’s the ultimate freedom! Whoopee! Forgive me if I sound a little sarcastic.

Let’s be serious there is no hope… now that’s something I have expert knowledge in – no hope. Perhaps I’ll just post pictures of poo… people like poo, right?

Tony Abbott shocked the media yesterday by holding a press conference to outline his bold new Education Policy. Abbott began his press conference by telling members of the press that there would be no follow up questions at the end of his speech.

“Good morning. Get your pens and paper and write this shit down cause this is going to be legendary.” Abbott said licking his lips.

Mr Abbott then began his speech earnestly.“The best way to harness Australia’s future is in Education. The potential in getting the right education to meet the needs of the future… to build a strong Australia and planting the right message in the easily manipulated minds of Australian children.”

“Our plan involves saving lots and LOTS of money and will streamline education across all states and territories. To make education easier to teach we plan to replace all textbooks with one easy to use textbook that covers everything Australian children should ever need to know.”

Tony Abbott paused as a huge weird smile appeared on his face. He announced excitedly, “Australian children will be educated by my book, “A Strong Australia”. My vision for a Strong Australia is having every child learn my vision, plans, directions and policy commitments in a fun educational way.”

After Tony Abbott lifted up his book and slapped it a few times he ended his speech by saying “Tony Abbott is the future… today! Now go forth and the spread the good word minions.” Mr Abbott at press time was not in any hurry to bother to release any other policy saying, “I have nailed it… nailed it… NAILED IT!”

I don’t miss TV at all. The television does not define who I am… I don’t need TV to exist. Those who know me might be thinking, “What? I didn’t know that you aren’t watching TV anymore… this is a tragedy!” Don’t panic… it’s ok my friends. I am surviving without TV. In fact I’m doing pretty well without TV. It’s not like there is actually anything worth viewing these days. From the Facebook posts I’ve been reading, everything on TV is trash these days. I am watching some programs… ‘Mediawatch’ then’ Q and A’ on Monday nights. Oh, I am watching ‘Steve Irwin’s Wildlife Warriors’ religiously. And I can’t forget ‘The Project’. When no one is looking, I quickly switch the channel to ‘The Project’… it’s less depressing than the news.

I’m reading more though… mostly Facebook status updates. It’s riveting stuff… like a train wreck at times… and most probably better than reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Most of the Facebook status updates have been reporting what a load of shite that is.

And what of Foxtel… I don’t have Foxtel. I remember Foxtel well. My favourite channel…. no, I don’t have a particular favourite. There was so much to watch and never enough time to watch it all. Endless repeats of ‘The Simpsons’ and ‘Family Guy’… the Weather Channel. Hit the red button and I could find out the weather in my suburb… they knew exactly where I lived. I liked that they knew these things. Oh, the Biography channel was awesome… I could find things out about people who were dead… or who had just died… or Judge Judy. Then there was all the channels that I could learn things… too numerous to tell you all about them. I did learn things about the sky… the water… and how people killed other people and how they nearly got away with it.

I could watch Ellen Degeneres everyday… EVERYDAY. Honestly, if I could do just one thing it would be just that. Ellen… is… so hilarious! Do you have any idea how hilarious she is? Seriously, why she’s not been given a Nobel Peace Prize I’ll never know.

Meanwhile, when I walk around the kitchen table, my right shoe makes a fart noise. I have to walk a certain way to achieve this awesome sound. I’m thinking of forming a group… hey, Stomp made it big with jumping around with their feet I can’t see any reason why Fart Shoes wouldn’t be as huge. (Please note: Fart Shoes is yet to be patented. All rights of Fart Shoes belong to me.)

This is what I’m thinking about… less TV makes it so. No TV whatsoever and I have way too much time to listen to my most inner innane thoughts. I had no idea that what is swirling around in my head was so stupid. Now I understand my need, nay, my addictive need for TV. To numb… to distract my thoughts… I don’t need to know what’s happening within the inner sanctum of my brain. It’s disturbing… please make it stop.

I miss TV… I sit and look at the black screen, I can imagine… come on Sam, imagine something… people doing things… going places… um, damn useless imagination. I can’t come up with a single… hang on, I can imagine someone, similar looking person to myself sitting on a blue lounge, typing on an Asus laptop sitting directly across from the TV trying to imagine scenes on the TV.