2/20/11 Bout Recap with DrAwkward

The big questions heading into the February bout were of great and weighty import. Which 0-1 team would right the ship, and which would stumble into an 0-2 hole? How much had the re-tooled Crazy 8s, fresh off a thorough shellacking of Maiden Milwaukee, really improved from 2010, and how would they match up with the defending champs? How would the Beerleaders deliver valuable swag to the audience this month? The answer to the last question was “via t-shirt-a-pult” (as coined by one Gloria Hole). As for the other two…let’s make like Mr. Owl with a Tootsie Pop and find out, shall we?

Bout 1: Shevil Knevils 65, Maiden Milwaukee 42

The opening bout started off as a stalemate; Maiden jammers Rejected Seoul and Super Hera were able to take lead status in the opening two jams, but were never able to pull far enough away from their counterparts to do any damage. The first points were finally scored in jam three by the Shevils’ Spazzle Dazzle (once again leading her team with 22 points), and by the 10 minute mark in the first half, the Shevils jumped out to an early 15-4 lead. But as we’ve seen time and again, an 11 point lead is generally considered “slim” in roller derby, as demonstrated by Maiden captain Betty Clobber, who ripped off a commanding, bruising triple-grand-slam 15-point jam against the stymied Skittle to singlehandedly erase the Shevil lead and make the score 19-14 in favor of the pink and black.

From there, my fellow announcer Gloria Hole and I found ourselves telling the crowd to take a few drinks as the lead changed three more times before the half, finally settling on an intermission score of 30-26 in favor of the Shevils.

Unfortunately for the Maidens, the second half was a repeat of last month’s second half against the Crazy 8s, as the Shevils began to pull away thanks to some physical pack play. Both teams played a relatively clean game; power jams were at a premium and most jams consisted of only one scoring pass before being called off. However, thanks to some wicked shots by blockers like Penny Maim, most of those solo scoring passes belonged to the Shevils. The Maidens only managed 16 second half points (and only three from Rejected Seoul, who finished the bout with seven total), and as the final jam expired, the working-class heroes found themselves on the business end of a 65-42 defeat and in a 0-2 hole in the 2011 season.

Bout 2: Crazy 8s 68, Rushin’ Rollettes 42

During this month’s Derby Little Secrets podcast, 8s blocker (and former Rollette) Fidela Castrate threw some trash talk at her former teammate, HighD Voltage, and the rest of the Rollettes, saying they should put on their “big girl panties” before hitting the track against the ninjas. The Rollettes obliged, skating their intros while wearing huge white granny briefs over their jerseys! My personal favorite was T. Wrecks, whose diminutive frame combined with her oversized big girl panties made her look like a rolling Slim-fast testimonial.

The 8s got an early assist from Rollette captain Rhoda Ruin in the opening jam, as she was sent to the penalty box almost immediately for a major track cut, enabling the ninjas’ Zo-Tay to draw first blood with a katana to the throat. One jam in and the score was already 20-0 Crazy 8s (Zo-Tay ended with 37 points on the night).

When it comes to jamming, the Crazy 8s aren’t exactly flashy or fast. But what they do have so far this year is nearly unchallenged control of the pack. The 8s blockers have been opening up huge lanes for their jammers while shutting down the opposition with positional blocking and the occasional huge hit (like the one delivered to Rhoda Ruin by Servin’ Justice in the second half that had Rhoda checking her nose for blood!). A rotating cast of bruising blockers like Justice, The Other White Meat and the 8s other ex-Rollette, Pound Anya, stymied the Soviets’ all-star jammer rotation of Voltage, Ruin and Carrie A. Hacksaw, and before you could say “Banzai, Russkies!,” it was a 51-17 Crazy 8s lead at the half. Holy crap. I don’t feel like researching it right now, but I’m going to take a wild guess and call that the largest halftime deficit in Rollettes history.

Still, no team in the league adjusts at halftime like the camouflage Commies, and they chipped away at that deficit like most Presidents don’t. Suddenly it was the ninjas’ turn to only score 17 points in a half. The only 8s jammer able to consistently score in the back frame was EmFatale, who contributed 9 points (12 for the bout). Meanwhile, the Rollettes employed some “hit it and quit it” jamming, picking up 2 points here, 4 there, to chip away at the lead. However, the halftime lead was much too large for the Rollettes to get back into it without any big-time power jams—the 8s played an overall smart and penalty-free game that kept their scorers on the track. By the time EmFatale called off the last jam, the 8s had easily held on for the 68-42 win.

Next Time: For the second straight month, the previous bouts’ winners will face off as the Crazy 8s take on the Shevil Knevils. Will the ninjas be able to dominate the star-spangled daredevils the way they have the Maidens and Rollettes, or will Spazzle Dazzle keep up her rookie tear and bedazzle the black and yellow into submission? And who will emerge victorious between Maiden Milwaukee and the Rushin’ Rollettes? Will Rosie the Riveter’s favorite team get their first win of 2011? And will the Beerleaders up their t-shirt delivery game with some sort of semi-automatic device? Show up to the US Cellular Arena on March 19 and find out!