E! Poll Asks Which Celeb Hunk Looks Sexier Beat Up

We’re going to make our position on this very clear: every writer in the blogosphere writes a fucked up thing once in awhile because their job is essentially to bring fucked up things to light for people to click on so that writers can make their bosses money. One’s threshold for fucked-up-ness in such a profession can easily become skewed and one may accidentally and inadvertently end up writing a really, really fucked up thing while on autopilot for page views. It happens to the best of us. But this instance is so atrocious, we can’t even chalk it up to being overworked and deadline-oppressed and ignore it.

This was tagged as news and opened with the lede: “Have two of Hollywood’s hottest faces taken a brutal beating?!”

The answer is, of course, no. They were simply both photographed out while sporting leftover makeup from the movie sets of their respective projects. Of Gyllenhaal, E! writes:

“Despite the bruises on his face, the 33-year-old actor’s beefed-up appearance simply can’t be missed as he flaunts his bulging biceps in a basic gray tee.”

You know the feeling, right, ladies? You’re strutting down the street, hoping to be catcalled, and you spot a fiiine specimen with a black eye whose bulging biceps just can’t be ignored in spite of his fucked up face? Don’t you just want to jump those assaulted bones?

This story is literally asking readers to vote on who looks sexier beat up. Can you imagine if this had been written about two women on Total Frat Move? “Hey Bros, who looks better looking like she just got the shit kicked out of her? Jessica Alba or Jennifer Lawrence?” Of course you can’t, because that dude would have been arrested before the draft headline even materialized.

So just as a reminder, Internet-at-Large: objectifying someone’s bruises without their consent is not okay. And since I highly doubt the E! stands for Extreme BDSM Appreciation! Online, I’m pretty sure this is not the forum in which to sexualize random fake celebrity brutality as impact play.

But sometimes, we go too far when we’re chained to the internet for a living. So we hope that this girl gets a few days off soon.