Montauk Mystery
Police received reports of large numbers of people descending upon Montauk on Sunday. According to the reports, the intruders appeared to have coordinated their actions—many were wearing green clothing, which police speculate allowed them to recognize coconspirators. There were even unconfirmed rumors that the Long Island Rail Road contributed to the invasion by bringing the hordes into town on special, off-schedule trains. Police are pleading with the public for more information.

Just Answering Nature’s Call
Two men out enjoying the fresh air and open spaces, found themselves ensnared by the law last week. They were on a hike along the wooded railroad tracks in the wilds of an East End town, and had brought a quantity of beer for sustenance.

Perhaps their memories of their Boy Scout days had grown dim over the years, because instead of following the hiker’s edict to “leave it as they found it,” the two were reportedly disposing of their empty beer cans by throwing them into the woods. Police on patrol came along and were able to remind the men of their responsibility to follow the law—although by this time it appeared the pair had become intoxicated (they should have eaten some trail mix to soak up the beer!). Not long after the police arrived, one of the men allegedly felt compelled to continue his communion with nature by urinating on a nearby tree.

McGumbus Wears The Green
Old Man McGumbus, 104-year-old WWII veteran, organizer and Honorary Marshal of the first annual Shelter Island Old Man McGumbus St. Patrick’s Day Parade, issued a statement ahead of last week’s parade. It read, in part: “Whereas other St. Patrick’s Day parades have become overrun with overt displays of hipsterness, I hereby declare that my parade will be hipster-free. Any open displays of the hipster lifestyle—waxed moustaches, designer eyeglasses, fedoras and the like—will be grounds for immediate removal from the parade route. I have authorized the police to take any actions necessary to carry out this prohibition. As St. Patrick rid Ireland of snakes, so to I will rid Shelter Island of hipsters.”

When police were contacted about McGumbus’s claim of police support, they stated that they had no intention of taking orders from McGumbus. In the meantime, though, the hipster community heard about McGumbus’s plan to exclude them, and sometime on Thursday afternoon, hipsters confronted McGumbus and drenched him in what appeared to be a bucket of Shamrock Shake. Police investigations continue in the matter.