6/30/2016

The Real Pocahontas Would Fuck Trump's Shit Up

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee and a man wearing mongoose pubes for hair, Donald Trump, has been especially proud of one of his jokes. It's where he calls Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts "Pocahontas" because of Warren's previous statements that she is part Cherokee. "Pocahontas" is an Indian. Warren claims to be Indian. So...humor? Like an asshole dad at the dinner table every Sunday, Trump repeats this line as if he just wrote the world's first knock-knock joke. And, of course, the inbred piglets at his rallies laugh and encourage him when they're not sticking their fingers in their asses and sniffing them.

Of course, facts are to Donald Trump like penicillin is to syphilis, but at the end of the day, calling Warren "Pocahontas" is pretty much saying she's a bad-ass worker who brought shit-tons of business to the shores of America, which was what Pocahontas did in real life despite being kidnapped and likely raped by white people, all before she died at 21.

Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, see, wait, let's see if we can get this out before laughing hysterically, Pocahontas, whose real name was Matoaka, as a young woman in an Algonquin-related tribe, would have been put to work, hard, laborious shit, including farming, building houses, and getting firewood, shit that would totally fuck-up the manicure on Donald Trump's tiny, tender fingers.

Hilarious, right? Right?

Putting aside whether the story of saving John Smith's pasty ass is apocryphal, we do know that she was captured by the English and held for ransom, like the release of English prisoners and some supplies. When the invaders' demands weren't met, she was held for a full year, during which time she was converted to Christianity and learned to read English. She was baptized "Rebecca," which was much easier for the English to pronounce. And she ended up being a diplomat between the English and her father's tribe

Man, that's just ripe for mockery.

Oh, and she was released only after she agreed to marry a white dude who fell in love with her, John Rolfe. Yeah, after two years in Virginia, he took her back to England where they exploited the shit out of her, parading her around as the civilized savage and using her as an example of how the Indians could be converted to lovin' Jesus, which was used to draw lots of investment in the Virginia Company and brought big money to the "New World." She died of a lung ailment on the way back to Virginia and was buried in England.

Are you slappin' your knees yet?

Yeah, the real Pocahontas would fuck Donald Trump's shit up badly. She'd put him on the ground and beat him bloody, much like Elizabeth Warren has been doing. Warren should announce that she's not worthy to be called Pocahontas, but she appreciates the compliment.