Saturday, October 31, 2009

Just before bed last night, I read that Gavin Newsom is pulling out of the govnah race in Kalifornia. That brought a little bit of joy. I'm not in Cal, but I'm right next door and the junk down there seems to be contagious, and it is good to know that Gavin's strain of stupidity won't be a statewide pandemic.

Then when I got home from work this morning and fired up the 'puter, well, what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a liberal RINO thrown out on her ear! OK, Dede didn't get thrown out, she suspended her campaign. But try to think of something that rhymes with "suspended her campaign." Yeah. Anyway, things are going darned well so far this weekend. As long as I don't get trick-or-treaters dressed up as Obama, it'll go down in history as a Very Happy Day.

Deer season is winding down around here, but thankfully people are still filling their RINO tags in upstate NY!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

[random reporter] "Mr. President, we're very glad you're here instead of Gibbs. Is there any explanation for this?"

[Obama] "Gibbs is out back licking his wounds after scrapping with Fox News. Plus, I haven't been on TV for almost 6 hours. I was just kind of jonesing for some camera time."

[Angrier Mitchell, NBC News] "Mr. President, the economy..."

[Obama, interrupting] "Let me be clear, I inherited a horrible economy from Bu..."

[WH Aide taps Obama on shoulder, whispers in president's ear]

[Obama, quietly to aide] "Whaa?"

[Aide nods confidently]

[Obama, continuing] "The economy grew last quarter at a surprising clip. This success is all mine. MINE, I TELL YOU!"

[Angrier Mitchell] "But isn't the growth mainly attributable to the cash-for-clunkers, which ended up actually costing about $24k per car?"

[Obama] "The average sale price of a new car nowadays is about $27k, so we actually saved about $3k per car! Don't you see? Do I need to get out a chalkboard and do the math right here and now? Cash for Clunkers has been a raging success! This is the kind of central planning expertise we will triumphantly employ in bring down healthcare costs. Next question."

[Helen Thomas, NYT] "Mr. President, are you going to send more troops to Afghanistan, as requested by your hand-picked general?"

[Obama] "Can't I just finish my falafel? I mean waffle? Why is everybody so hung up on this, when we have important things like cap-n-trade to debate? Bush took years to screw up the situation, it may take years for me to figure out what I'll do, or not do, about it."

[Major Garrett, Fox] "Sir, you didn't really answer the question. Are you or aren't you?"

[Obama, trying to sound like Lionel Ritchie] "Once.... Twice.... Three tiiiiimes, a maybe." [All-Czar Team dances in background]

[Jake Tapper, ABC] "Mr. President, I think I speak for most of the press corps when I say that we're growing weary of your attempts to be 'cool' all while doing a whole lot of nothing."

[Chrissy Mathews, MSNBC] "Speak for yourself, Jake! I think this is wonderful! I think I'll do a whole show about it!"

[Obama] "Thank you, Chris. It's good to see that at least one voice remains that hasn't been muzzled by the vast right-wing conspiracy. Would you like to spend the weekend in the Lincoln Bedroom?"

[Mathew's leg starts tingling, then violently flopping like a flounder on the deck of a fishing boat]

[Obama] "I'll take that as a 'yes.' Rahm will be in touch to work out the details."

[Katie Couric, CBS] "Sir, Speaker Pelosi has announced the final version of the House healthcare reform bill, which comes in at just under 2000 pages. Are we actually getting close to passing a bill?"

[Obama] "Katie, is that you? I didn't know you still had a job! I'm really glad you're still here! As for passing a bill, that depends. Just like we're waiting for the Afghani election results before we commit more troops, we're looking at the Governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey as well as the special election in NY-23 before we decide how hard to push. You have to know when to walk away, and know when to run. [glances at watch] "Crap! I'm late for my tee time, gotta go!"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I may be the last blogger on earth to get around to talking about the New York special election for House district 23. I'm kind of like the guy that walks the marathon - I may be last, but at least I try hard and I eventually get to the finish line. Also, I'm not from New York. I've never even been to New York, and I'm going to try like heck to keep it that way. This isn't a national election, but the entire nation and the higher-ups in the RNC are paying close attention. So for the rest of this post, when I say "we" I mean conservatives who are PO'd at the Republican Party - in New York and elsewhere.

Anyway, this election brings to mind a whole array of topics worth discussing. In no particular order:

First, some background. Back around 1990 or so, I worked at an auto parts store. There was one regular customer who had a giant mole on his neck. It was about the size of a grape cut in half, with about a half dozen LONG black hairs growing out of it. "Ah needah the frontah breakah pad fo '86 Mitsubishi" he'd say in a thick Asian accent, while twirling his molehairs between his fingers! It was extremely disgusting.

Well, Scuzzyfavabean is equally disgusting. She has been endorsed by ACORN, NARAL and Planned Parenthood. She recently won the bleepin' Margaret Sanger Award from Planned Parenthood! In other words, she's into corruption and cutting up babies. She's also pro-Card Check, which means she's into union thuggery. Daily Kos even likes her! About the only thing vaguely conservative about her is she's pro-gun. So am I. But so is Hezbollah, so YMMV. And she's about as telegenic as a baboon's bottom. Normally I'd try to be a little more civil in my treatments of a so-called Republican, but she is contemptible. No apologies forthcoming.

The pragmatists say we should support her, because she'd be better than the dem. While that is debatable, let's concede that for now instead of dithering on that point. Let's say she is slightly better and somehow wins. Then what? The only way to beat her would be through the primary process. Hard to unseat an incumbent in the primaries. So if she wins, we're going to have a liberal quasirepublican in the seat for a long time. Ugh. If we were one seat away from the majority and therefore one seat away from kicking Nancy to the curb, I may feel differently. But straining to install a liberal R instead of a liberal D when the liberal Ds will still have a huge majority is asinine. There is no reason to sell out our principles so egregiously for so little gain.

In fact, this is the PERFECT race to try to run an independent conservative. If he wins, great! We'll have another conservative in the House, and the RNC gets a serious wake-up call. (which they'll probably ignore 'cuz they suck). If the dem wins, but Hoffman makes it interesting, that will also be cold water in the RNC's face, and may embolden more conservatives to Go Rogue against the feckless beltway nosepickers running the GOP. Then just try again in 2010. The only thing that could go wrong would be for Scuzzyfavabean to actually win. That's worst-case, because the idiots at the RNC would then conclude that horrendous Scuzzyfavabean type candidates are the winning formula. If that happens, I'll recuse myself to my Undisclosed Location to await the End of Days.

Newt Gingrich (not from New York) endorses Scuzzyfavabean. When Palin, Pawlenty and many others (not from New York) endorse Hoffman, Newt tells them to quit meddling in local elections. Pot-Kettle-Shut-Yer-Flappin'-Lips, Newt. The reports I'm hearing lately are that Hoffman has all the momentum and Skuzzyfavabean is losing steam. Heh. I can't wait to see Newt try to explain his way out of that one. I'm thinking it will be as humorous as Brownback switching his vote on amnesty once he saw that it was bound to lose. Newt, go write a book about stargazing or insect life of the African savannah. Or even just go sit on the couch again with Nancy. Do whatever you want, just please stop endorsing ugly liberal idiots.

I don't have a problem with 3rd parties. Or 4th or 5th. Rush said today that this isn't even a 3rd party issue in NY-23. The present 2-party system is FUBAR, with two bloated, unresponsive parties. It needs to be shaken up. I'd like to see some other viable parties on both the left and the right. That would mean Congresscritters would spend more time worrying about maintaining their fragile coalitions and less time writing stupid laws. Imagine the trillions we could save.

The lefties are all happy about this situation in NY. They think it is win-win. If Hoffman loses, they'll claim it is a repudiation of conservatism. If Hoffman wins, they will claim it is proof the the GOP is slave to the conservative (racist old white guystm) wing of the party. Meh. Don't know what to think here. I guess I'll just let them be happy for a while. Because after 2010, they won't be doing much smiling for a long, long time.

Monday, October 26, 2009

[Obama] "I know. But after the embarrassment of that first-pitch mom-jean thing, I am bound and determined to outdo Bush at something athletic. My best chance seems to be at golf. But my short game is killing me. All those extra strokes on my putts really add up."

[Biden, manic laughter, gasping for breath between guffaws] "Ha!... Strokes!... Putz!... Hehee! No wonder you spend so much time out here on the green!"

[Obama, overly upset] "Joe! Da**it, Joe! Shut up!"

[Biden] "G-haahaahaaa!" [bent over laughing uproariously]

[Obama] "JOE! I said PUTTS! With one of my patented whistling esses at the end of the word! I did not say putz!"

[Obama, infuriated, whacks Joe in head with putter. Joe is knocked cold out.]

[Obama] "Oh my gosh, what have I done? I just struck down my best foreign policy advisor!! How will I ever figure out what to do in Iran, Afghanistan, West Korea?" [shakes Joe gently] "Joe, wake up! You're OK! Wake up!" [Biden remains unresponsive]

[Obama makes call on cellphone]

[911 dispatch] "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

[Obama] "Vice President Biden just hit himself in the head with a golf club."

[911] "Again?? He should wear a helmet or something."

[Obama] "This time is worse than the others. He is unconscionable."

[911] "Do you mean unconscious?"

[Obama] "Yeah, that too. And he won't wake up. Please hurry."

[911] "I have rescue en route. They will arrive momentarily."

The ambulance arrives, and EMTs load the veep on a stretcher and whisk him away...

Later, Obama visits the hospital...

[Obama] "So how bad is he?"

[Doctor] "There are a number of problems he faces. First, let's talk about the damage to the hippocampus."

[Obama holds up one finger in the "gimme one sec" gesture, retrieves phone and calls Rahm] "Rahm, find out where Meghan McCain went to college. There's been some kind of disaster there. Declare it a disaster area and release billions in stimulus money to fix it up, K? Thanks." [to doctor] "There. That ought to put your worries about the hippo's campus to rest. You really should be more concerned with Joe right now, doc."

[Doctor, incredulous] "Alllrighty then. There's a part of the human mind that is crucial to forming memories and maintaining one's balance and sense of navigation. In Joe, that part has suffered considerable damage. He'll pull through, but we don't yet know how severe the effects may be."

[Obama] "How would this damage affect his life?"

[Doctor] "He may become clumsy and forgetful. He may say things that don't make much sense."

[Obama] "Sounds pretty normal, to me."

[Doctor] "Actually, yes - I suppose so."

[Obama] "Doctor! You're a miracle worker! You've saved Joe and I still have time to work on my backswing!"

Saturday, October 24, 2009

M'kay... Barry's gone and dropped the Big One. I guess now that people are pooh-poohing the climate change crap, he needs a fresh crisis to keep everybody off-balance. I'm already looking forward to the big prime-time speech where he boasts of "600,000 good flu outcomes saved or created by my admistration's policies."

On a barely-related note, I've been itching to shift gears and write something really dark and moody. Not even sure yet what form it would take, but I'm thinking some kind of a barackalyptic distopian thing. You know, like George Orwell would've written right after he'd just watched Red Dawn. That is, if he were an overworked no-name blogger of limited talent instead of, well, Orwell. Anybody interested in that kind of thing?

Friday, October 23, 2009

OK, I think Halloween is kinda stupid. I don't really participate. I'm not all holier-that-thou-it's-of-the-devil against it. I just think it is kinda silly. Plus, I live in a town full of college kids whose raucous parties scare trick-or-treaters into staying home. There also aren't even that many kids anyway, 'cuz the town is full of liberals who'd rather drive their Subarus down to the river and paddle their organic kayaks around than stay home and make babies.

In past years, I'd buy one bag of candy but then only get about 3 trick-or-treaters, and end up with the rest of the bag to fatten myself up on. As I'm getting older, I'm trying to avoid doing that. So in recent years, I've just gone to Taco Bell and grabbed a few extra hot sauce packets. I'm smooth about it, so the little kids don't know any better - as long as I throw something in their treatbag they go away happy. Probably spittin' mad when they get home and take inventory, but, hey, they got a free hot sauce so shut up about it already.

This year may be different. I think I'll dress up as Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck is scary. Glenn Beck is on FOX News fer cryin' out loud! Nothing strikes fear into the tiny, whithered heart of a progressive libtard like someone from Fox showing up on their doorstep. You know it is true, just ask Barry!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The other day I joked here about Biden trying to hulahoop. I double-pinky-promise that I posted that BEFORE I saw this pic on Drudge. I did NOT steal the idea. But, hey, now that we're talking about Michelle and hulahoops instead of Biden, I have some questions:

Does she own one single belt that doesn't make her look like she's on her way to open casting for a role in Gladiator II?

Why does she wear these belts just below her armpits? Seeing her belts brings to mind stuff like this.

Having hips that span multiple zipcodes - is that an advantage in hulahooping?

How can this be turned into a criticism of Fox News and/or President Bush? Ah, nevermind I'll leave that one to Gibbs. He'll find a way.

Congrats to our counterterrorist guys. Sounds like they hooked a pretty good sized buttfish in Massachusetts. This bad guy and his buds have been prepping for an assault on a shopping mall, evidently for quite a while, and even talked about assassinating some high-ups in the past Bush administration.

I give props to the investigators who ferreted this guy out and busted him. An attack like they planned could be quite devastating. It may lack the "pizazz" of kamikaze-ing airliners into buildings, but that's what makes me more thankful to the guys who nailed him. The bad guys didn't tip their hand with telltale "I just wanna learn how to fly, not take-off or land" nonsense. They tried to keep it on the down-low and still got caught. Heh.

While the investigators did a great job, they were helped by the fact that terrorists are stupid. Generations of listening to the lies of a false religion + generations of inbred cousin-humping = angry stupid people. Am I really to understand that you losers really need to go to Yemen or Iran or Lower Stinkistan to get training in how to attack unarmed civilians in a crowded location? No wonder our guys kick your butts everywhere we go. You suck. **If I were evil enough to want to want to kill my countrymen, it would only take about 3 seconds to come up with a viable plan. Oops. Dang it! Without even really trying, it just kind of popped into my head:

Not very hard, which is what makes me thank the guys who are defending us from these idiots. We haven't suffered a significant terrorist attack in years, despite the relative ease in which an attack could be implemented. Good job counterterrorist agents!

--------** Note to counterterrorist agents who might stumble on this blog entry:

Though it may appear that I just planned an attack a few paragraphs ago, I am NOT EVIL enough to want to kill my countrymen, or see them come to any other harm. Except when fat drunk people get tazered by cops. I'm OK with that.

I think terrorists SHOULD be waterboarded. With picante sauce.

If that kid-buggerin' mohammed were alive today, I'd muster the stickiest loog I could, from the lung-butteryest depths of my chest, and fire it right into mo's eye.

I'm probably now going to need bodyguards 24/7 to protect me from the followers of the 'Religion of Peace' who are deeply, deeply offended by this post

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Biden emerged from his undisclosed location yesterday and announced that we are now in a depression. Well, not all of us. Just some of us. Reminds me of that whole "2 Americas" thing. This despite Joe's claim from just a few days ago that the stimulus was working even better than expected, and despite Joe's praise of Arlen Specter for being the crucial vote that got the stimulus passed just in time to avert a depression. I dunno. I guess it makes sense in his universe.

But I really like Joe. I almost never agree with him, but if he came to my town I'd make an effort to go there. Obama, not so much. Wouldn't cross the street to meet him. But if Joe knocked on my door, I'd invite him in. Seriously. When we put Joe in the unemployment lines in about 3 years, I actually hope he moves in next door. Imagine the interaction we'd have over the back fence, like a bizarro-world version of Wilson and Tim the Toolman. I think it would kind of go like this:

Day 1. "Hi, I'm Joe. I was almost President. Back in 1846, I was with my great-great-grandpop when he discovered that the mud on his land just outside of Scranton was actually the world's best pottery clay. He had a real good thing going there for a while, selling clay to the Chinese who made it into Mink Dynasty vases and stuff. Of course, that was all before the pelicans came..."

Day 3. "Gee, innominatus, I don't know what's up with your dogs. Did you train them to poop on my property, or did they think of it themselves?"

Day 4. "Um, innominatus, uh, I was showing my grandkid how to hulahoop. But when I got dizzy I kinda muffed the catch and it got away from me and the wind got hold of it and blew it in your backyard. Can I go back there and get it? Thanks, man."

Day 5. "Hey, innominatus! I finally figured out how to drink a CapriSun through my nose. Don't believe me? Watch this!"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Wow, I haven't posted since Thursday evening. What a fat lazy old bastage I'm becoming. I still don't have much fer ya. But the Obama obministration has announced that they aren't going to go after users of "medical marijuana" in states where it is legal. Here in Oregon it is legal - and increasingly common. Some will cheer a victory for states' rights. I'm big on states' rights, but I'm not too fired up about this. It turns out that a very small number of doctors are responsible for the VAST majority of medical marijuana prescriptions, and these so-called doctors will give you weed for just about anything. I could go to them and say "Hey, I'm a blogger who hasn't been able to think of much to blog about lately and it is causing me emotional distress!" and they'd just hand me a baggie of bud and a little card. That really isn't much of an exaggeration. It's ridiculous. I can't wait for the Lars Larson show this afternoon, when the triumphant stoners start calling in. Their comments are certified USDA Grade AAA Stupid and therefore hilarious.

On an unrelated note, there was a pretty bad accident on my street this morning, about two houses down. I got a pretty good look at it on the way to work a few minutes ago. One of the vehicles involved was a mid-'70s Ford pickup that whacked a utility pole. The pole was broken and leaning out over the street, about 30o off the vertical, but the mangled truck was still holding it up. It was totally apparent that moving the truck would bring the whole mess right to the ground, hard. There were about a sixpack of utility guys in their orange safety vests just standing there with a "what the bloody heck are we supposed to do??" kind of look on their face. Hopefully I won't have to eat cold pork-n-beans straight out of the can by flashlight for dinner this evening, but I really can't picture how they're going to fix it without interrupting power and/or utterly mangling my neighbor's front yard.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

[Biden] "OMG! It's a flying saucer! An honest to goodness U-F-friggin'-O! I'm finally going to be famous! I will be the one that goes down in history!"

Joe opens an access panel, revealing some batteries, an old 486 laptop, and a barometer.

[Biden] "This alien technology, is so, is so, alien! I gotta get a closer look! Hey, I think I can fit in there!"

In the distance, David Axelrod notices Biden's actions...

[Axelrod, to himself] "Aw geez, Joe! We don't need any more embarrassments right now!"

[Axelrod, thinking quickly] "What should I do? Should I drag him out of there? Nah, he'll be on TV 5 minutes later talking about being abducted. Should I untie the tether and just let him fly away? That sounds pretty good... It'll definitely distract the media while we go nuclear on the healthcare bill."

Axelrod sneaks up to the weather balloon and unties it from its mooring. The balloon rises a few feet and the wind begins to carry it quickly away.

[Biden] "Gaaaah! They're taking me away!"

[Axelrod, calling CNN on his cell] "Ya there? Hey, I got a hot lead for ya. Biden is trapped in a weather balloon and is drifting towards the controlled airspace of the big airport. I was there I saw the whole thing!"

[CNN] "We're on it!"

Hours go by, nobody seems to notice the plight of the veep.

Unseen by anyone, the plywood structure of the balloon fails while the balloon is about 10' from the ground. Biden falls out, bounces off of a green farm tractor, and lands on a heap of manure. The empty balloon soars skyward...

[Axelrod, calling FOX News on his cell] "Shep, ya there? I got a hot lead for ya. Biden is trapped in a weather balloon and is drifting towards the controlled airspace of the big airport. I was there I saw the whole thing! It's WAY up there now!"

Within moments the world is abuzz at the tragedy unfolding. News helicopters and National Guard helicopters circle overhead. Prayers are offered. Bloggers post. Everybody with a pulse is aware of Biden's misadventure.

Back in DC...

[State Dept. aide] "Madame Secretary, have you heard about the Vice President?"

[Hillary] "Nah, not a thing, lately. What he do now? Get his hand stuck in the vending machine again?"

[Aide] "No, maam! He's trapped in an out-of-control weather balloon! It's horrible! It isn't designed to hold him, and he will probably fall out and get splattered on the hillside!"

[Hillary] "Oh dear!" [Aide exits]

[Hillary to herself] "Finally! All those hours with the voodoo dolls are paying off! One less obstacle between me and the Presidency! Mwaaahaaahaaahaaa!" [kneads hands greedily] "Just have to get rid of Pelosi and That One. Pelosi will be easy. I'll just choke her out with a cankle-lock. Won't even leave a mark, they'll think it was natural causes. Heehee! That One will be trickier... I'll have to do something extra, extra sneakyyyyy."

In the White House media room...

[no-name journalist from some dying newspaper] "Mr. President, what can you tell us about this tragic event that Biden is tangled up in?"

[Obama] "Let me uh, be clear, I uh, don't have all the uh, facts. But I'm sure the weather balloon acted stupidly. But I have an urgent meeting with the Secretary of State. I must go now."

Back in the Oval Office...

[Obama] "Hillary, I wish this meeting was under better circumstances. It doesn't look like Joe is going to make it. I'm really gonna miss his foreign policy expertise. But I've already began the preparations to promote you to Vice President."

[Hillary] "I know. It is terrible. By the way, when I was in Moscow the other day, I told Putin and Medvedev that we cancelled the missile defense."

[Obama] "Duh. I did that weeks ago."

[Hillary] "I told them that we cancelled it because we've been secretly working on Reagan's SDI 'Star Wars' all these years, and it goes online tomorrow. They were really, really angry at you!"

[Hillary, calmly stroking the tabletop] "I just looooooove this desk. Soon I will be sitting behind it."

Shep Smith, covering the events...

[Shep] "Breaking news! Going live to our local FOX affiliate..."

[local reporter] "The balloon has landed! It is chaos here. We're not sure what's going on yet. What? But there is nobody inside? Where is Biden? Are we sure he was on board?"

[local sheriff] "We found him! He was in the attic! He's alive!"

[Biden, bruised and disoriented] "It was a do-or-die struggle. The aliens were intent on probing me, but they should have known better than to mess with a guy from Scranton. I punched one of them out. One swing, one K-O'd alien. That's how we do things in Scranton. Then I kicked the other one in the groin, but he didn't budge. Must be some weird alien anatomy thing that saved him, 'cuz normally, when a guy from Scranton kicks ya in the chiclets, ya go down. Hard. Not this guy, though. We struggled for what seemed like hours. Just when he knew he was beat, he used a tractor beam to, like, transport me out of his mothership. Think it was a John Deere tractor beam. Next thing I know, I'm in this attic. They tried to erase my memory of the whole event, but I was too strong for them."

[reporter] "He's alive! They're taking him to the hospital for observation, but he appears otherwise as normal as ever!"

[Shep] "That's great news! We now go back to our regularly scheduled annoying of the President."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I rule the swamps and burrows. I lurk 'neath logs and limousines; my vengeance is with me. Malaise makes me stronger. Your weakness is my call-to-arms. I lay in wait; my moment again draws near. Some dare believe that I do not exist. They do so at their peril. James Earl Carter believes. He has felt the wrath. He has gone the sleepless nights, fearing my return. I am the stuff of liberal nightmares. I am dread thoughts given form.

Will I come by land or sea? Will my humiliation of you be public or private? Yes... Continue your futile questioning. You will not know the day or the hour of my strike. You will continue to tax and spend, continue to appease and appall, continue to hope against hope that I am a myth, continue to believe that you might somehow avoid my retribution. It is at that very time that I shall appear. When your hypocrisy is at its zenith, and the darkness o'er the land is at its greatest, I shall arise. Your Nobel will not protect you. Your lofty rhetoric shall come to no avail. The mighty shall fear and flail against me; the humble shall cheer the beclowning of their oppressors.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Seems like the dolts in DC have managed to keep their flub-ups out of the news so far today. Not much to snark about. So, let's talk a little about me! Yay!

---------------

I am lazy. Well, for a guy that works two jobs, that is. The closest I come to getting real exercise is when I scoot in my little roll-y office chair from one computer all the way across my workspace to the other computer about 10' away.

Since I've pretty much mastered that, I think I'll stop spraying Tri-Flow on the chair wheels. You know, just to allow a little more friction. That's called resistance training. Oooh, I can feel the burn in my quadriceps already starting!

So, the Smartest Woman in the Worldtm has escaped from Jor-Bama's Phantom Zone of Irrelevance long enough to take a little trip to London, Dublin, Belfast & Moscow. How nice. I, for one, LOVE IT when Wonder Woman travels. It ALWAYS yields good comedy material. If it were up to me, she and Biden would be much more visible. 'Cuz, ya know, if Obama and his crew are gonna turn our nation into a laughingstock, we might as well get a couple laughs out of it too. But we won't be hearing about any of her triumphant diplomatic triumphs for a while. For now, we can only speculate...

1. Hillary makes it all the way from the plane to the limo without having to use a small child as a human shield against sniper fire.

2. Hillary presents Lavrov with an "Overcharge Button Reset Button" as a gift, to reboot US-Russian linguistic understandings. Lavrov, who just moments before had finally regained his composure after convulsively laughing his butt off for months on end after Hillary's first reset button boo-boo, falls down laughing and suffers a skull fracture. Putin, unamused, (does that guy ever smile?) then gives Barry a very scary glare that causes a panicking Obama to accidentally blow a snot bubble on live TV.

3. A teenager in London asks Hillary "Why are you here, instead of the real Secretary of State? You know, that guy that actually accomplishes diplomatic things like the rescue of those girls caught in Norf Korea?" Hillary then rips the kid to pieces and dines on his soul, re-establishing a bit of the global respect we've lost over the last 9 months.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

[Roman] "Thank you, thank you. I appreciate all your support. It's good to finally be back in the USA. Heard any good jokes lately?"

[Dave] "About me or about you?" [rimshot] "So, you decided to stop fighting the extradition?"

[Roman] "Well, I figured the timing could not be better. After the revelation of your infidelities took me out of the headlines, I started to think about it."

[Dave] "Glad to be of service, sir."

[Roman] "And then when my friends in Europe, whom I thank for harboring me all these years, well, when they spat upon his O'liness in Copenhagen, I knew it was almost the right time. Then, just a I was starting to have second thoughts, the Nobel Committee, well, they just blew me totally off the front page. The public has already forgotten all about the both of us."

[Dave, mockingly formal] "I'd like to thank the Nobel Committee taking the spotlight off of our misdeeds and concentrating it instead on President Obama's lack of deeds."

[Roman] "Yea, verily! Amen, brother Dave!"

[Dave] "Yes, praise Obama. Though he is far too lofty of make fun of, he can be counted on to steal every news cycle. But enough with the chit-chat. Let's get down to the important stuff... That Palin girl, she's quite the slut."

[Roman, squirming in his seat] "Uhh, Dave, maybe we should change the subject. Young girls, are, umm, aww, what the heck - it's not like a lot of people are watching the show... Yeah, I'd hit that like Ray Lewis blindsiding Peyton Manning."

Friday, October 9, 2009

[Obama, semi-alert] "No bell pees? How bells did I have to pee over to win that?" [rolls over, back to sleep]

[Rahm] "Sire! You won the Nobel Prize! AND the Stanley Cup!"

[Obama, alert] "Stanley Cup? Don't be mocking my momma!"

[Rahm] "No, sire! You've won the NHL championship, and the Nobel Prize!"

[Obama] "The NHL is just a bunch of toothless white guys, kinda like Arkansas. Screw them. But the Peace Prize, that sounds kinda cool."

[Rahm] "We must get you to Oslo, ASAP. I've already prepped the plane."

Later, in Norway, addressing the crowd...

[Obama] "I'd like to thank the academy..."

[MichelleO, snatching microphone from Barry] "Imma let you finish, but first, I need to say, that for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of the Nobel Committee." [Gives mike back]

[Obama, head swelling slightly] "I am extremely humbled by all this."

[Head swelling more, halo getting tight] "When I bomb people in Pakistan, I do it only in the most humane and painless ways"

[Applause]

[Head getting bigger, halo stretched taut] "And I only rendition jihadis to moderately savage countries for interrogation. And I think I may even address global poverty by building my brother a slightly larger mud hut."

[Applause]

Head now impossibly big, almost proportionate to ears. Halo can't cope and explodes, sending little bits of hopeychange all over front row of audience, just like a Gallagher show.

[Obama] "So, in closing, I must return to the USA and continue my dismantling of a once-great nation."

Thursday, October 8, 2009

President Obeyme and his merry band of misfits have been struggling with a way to beat the Taliban and al-Qaeda without increasing troop levels. Yeah, he's trying to make the de-escalator leftoids happy while looking like only a partial wuss to everybody else. That tightrope is starting to wobble, Barry. You can't keep this up much longer! You need a game-changer!... Voila! The Taliban are no longer the bad guys!. The idea is to cede a portion of Af-Pak to these boy-rapin' Taliban wife-beaters and let them have some autonomy.

Here is where I actually agree with Bams. I think it is great that the Taliban have their own province. Offer them up their own little safe haven , and they'll flock to it like Detroit residents lookin' for BarryBucks. After they're all settled in and getting on with their goat molesting, we spring the trap - one target-rich province to bomb the bloody piss out of, instead of two whole countries! Pretty darned clever, that Obama guy, isn't he?...Um, you guys are giving me that look again. Did I say something stupid?

NASA is in the final phases of an ambitious project to determine the composition of the lunar landscape near the Moon's southern pole. Opinions vary on what can be learned, but scientists worldwide are on the edge of their seats in anticipation of the results. The experiment involves the deployment of a huge bomb that will cause a debris field to reach as high as six miles above the lunar landscape, with a vehicle orbiting overhead assaying the dust and relaying the findings back to earth. Some scientists hope that they will find non-trivial amounts of water ice, which would be exceedingly valuable to future manned moon outposts. Water ice could also be useful in missions to Mars.

Other scientists hope the extremely sensitive instruments will find those elusive yet hoped-for traces of President Obama's accomplishments. As President of the Universe, Obama has certainly brought hope and change to all planetary objects in our solar system, they claim. Less optimistic observers rebut that by asserting that even on Earth there is a dearth of evidence to support their Presidential Accomplishment Theory, and that this experiment is a colossal waste of resources. "It would be easier to catch neutrinos with a pool skimmer than to find anything that would validate their lame-o Presidential Accomplishment Theory" scoffed one cosmologist who chooses to remain anonymous. "And I'm talking about on Earth" he added.

When asked why this bomb system was being used on the moon, rather than say, Iran, NASA scientists' only response was "Huh?"

The radio station I usually listen to at work is advertising a concert coming up in Portland. It features a full orchestra playing only Star Wars music. Almost sounds like something I'd be interested in going to, but I wouldn't want my grandkids to know that a headbanger like me sometimes appreciates some good strings and horns.

Is it heresy to say that Star Wars wouldn't have been the big deal it was, were it not for that compelling music?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

President Obama continues to suffer the same political setbacks in October that characterized his August and September. Despite the clever parliamentary tactics of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, there remains no healthcare industry seizure bill on the books. Congress' approval numbers now smell like week-old lutefisk, and the electorate is increasingly wary of congressional leadership's weaselly ways. Not only are the people demanding a chance to read the final bill before it is voted on, they are demanding rubber gloves to wear while leafing through the pages of the bill - just in case any of the stupid contained therein is ink-soluable.

On the international front, things are even worse. A recent Google Earth overflight of the Qom nuclear site in Iran reveals corpses of dissidents arranged in the desert to spell out the words "screw you obama" in Farsi. The war in Afghanistan is going poorly, while strategy is re-evaluated and re-evaluated. Barry's well-documented failure in Copenhagen is turning out to be the biggest presidential embarrassment since Jimmy lost that fight to the little rabbit. Addressing the assemblage of reporters on Air Force One recently, the President confided: "I really thought doing whatever I want and blaming it on Bush would get me at least through my first term. I'm saddened that it is so early in my term that those methods are failing. I don't have a 'plan b' yet. That's why I'm being so deliberate in deciding what to do in Afghanistan, Iran, Gitmo, etc. You see, it turns out that everything I said back in the campaign is now coming back to haunt me. Over and over again. Kinda like that ingrown hair on my buttcheek that keeps coming back. And I don't really have the political capital left to win people over when I change my mind. So, the big decision I've made is to not make decisions. I'm just going to drag my feet until the problems go away. I even had a special poster made up. If I can't decide how not to decide, I just throw a dart at the poster. Well, ok, sometimes I have to throw a lot of darts before I finally get one to stick, but you get the drift. That tells me how to avoid deciding for a while. Then something else comes up and we forget all about the previous problem. I think I can ride that horse all the way to re-election."

So some blogger says that he chanced upon Bill Ayers in the airport, and Wild Bill supposedly blurts out that he was indeed the author of Barry's Dream of My (Psycho Deadbeat Commie) Father. By now some of you are no doubt wondering who this yet unnamed (hint) blogger was. Let the record show that I WAS NOT THE BLOGGER IN QUESTION. And I offer as evidence that neither am I in jail for assault, nor is Ayers in the hospital recovering from a most severe azzwhuppin'.

Dude, are you stupid? Gitmo was like, the main dude in Gremlins. But I didn't even know he had a store. But if Obama says it should close, then it should close. Probably selling unsafe pets or something, dude.

Oh yeah, dude. I remember. Look, I'm eating nachos after midnight, dude! I wonder if I'll turn into a gremlin?

Shut up, dude. You're even less funny than SNL.

Dude, that hurts.

Have you seen that vid of the little kids singing to Obama, dude?

Which one, dude? There's like, lots of 'em now.

The one where the kids are all like, Mmm Mmm Mmm.

Oh, dude, that one rules.

Yeah, dude. Those little kids get it. Heh, dude, the other day I could hear my dad straining on the toilet. He was going like, Nguuh Nguuh Nguuh. It kinda like reminded me of that vid, dude. It was like the same tempo and everything.

Dude! You should like, totally put that on YouTube!

Dude? It's not like, uh, nevermind dude. I forgot what I was going to say, anyway.

So, Sunday night I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep, so the late-nite-stupids hit me kind of early yesterday. It was about 9pm when I'd had enough and decided to go to bed. The dogs had had a little wrestling match on the bed, and while my wife fixed that up I figger'd I'd check my blog feed to see if there was anything new. Next thing you know, I have that sleep-deprived uncontrollable laugh thing going on, all thanks to this post at i Own The World. My wife asked what was so funny, so I tried to tell her: "OK, there's this comic of, of, gahaaahaaaa! OK, just a sec. Heehee. Alright, Obama and Limbaugh are g, g, golf, gaaahaaahaaaa! OK, ok, I'm gonna just tell you real fast before I crack up again. Snort. '...sewed to my face' Graahaaaaheeeeheee! Can't breathe!"

Click over there and see if it really is that funny or if I'm just some loopy crackhead who cracks up too easily.

Monday, October 5, 2009

From the inauguration onward, President Obeyme has exhibited what is to me an interesting duality. On one hand, he is a clever, ruthless, power-hungry socialist. On the other his is a hopelessly inept dorkasaurus in way over his head. So, which one is the real Obama? Hmmmm... A heaping helping of both, I'd say. He's a new breed of liberal loser who isn't adequately described by any existing political labels, so he merits a new one just for him: D'ohcialist!

Couldn't decide at first whether to do this song or "Barry went down to Denmark, he was lookin' for some games to steal. Chicago's way behind, Daley's in a bind, Barry's ready to make a deal." Went with this one. Apologies to Bon Jovi. Actually, nevermind. Bon Jovi sucks.

The One woke up in the morning, left to meet the one he'd wedLeft slobber on the pillow, then the butler made his bed.Copenhagen's where he's going, only God knows where he's fromHe's a weasel on the run, a despot lover, left us twistin' in the wind.

He is the Prez'dint of this world, he thinks he's gonna winHe ain't never earned nuttin', everything was given himTold the IOC "I want it! Yeah, I want it man!""I'll put cash on your table, Tokyo you ain't able, Rio catch me if you can!"

He may go down in a blaze of glory, you and I - we know the truthHe may go down in a blaze of gloryLord, Michelle flew first with Oprah and her purseHe's Moammar's son, call him Young Dunce.

They ask if Biden's conscious, while Barry cannot bowlThey ask if Obama's a wise man, if we buy the crap he's soldThey ask if he's a hawk or dove, Afghanistan's such a painWell I've seen Gitmo open and he'd see it shut down, al-Qaeda feel no pain

He's goin' down in a blaze of glory, you and I - we know the truthHe's goin' down in a blaze of gloryLord, Michelle flew first with Oprah and her purseHe's Moammar's son, call him Young Dunce.

His ego don't fit his head, he brays 'bout jobs he did createNo, he ain't looking for forgiveness for our debts now six miles deep."IOC I ask a favor, and I'm sure you'll understand,People love me to the fullest, every boy and every man,Flying down to Denmark, games in Chicago 'cuz I am grand."

Shot down in a blaze of glory, you and I - we know the truthShot down in a blaze of gloryLord, Michelle flew first with Oprah and her purseHe's Moammar's son, call him Young Dunce.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Anyway, I whined enough earlier about my ideas being used before I could post them. Then I thought I had another pretty good idea about the left trying to spin this unspinnable gigafail - only to find out that they actually are spinning this as a positive. What else is left? I got nuttin' that ain't already been done by others, so here are a few of them: (for new web users, forgetful people, or total idiots: clicky the pic-y to for biggie version)

Since first hearing about Barry screwing up the Olympics (it's like the Special Olympics out there) I've been brainstorming how I'm gonna have fun blogging on it when I get some spare time. My post is pretty much "finished" in my brain, though I need an hour or so to turn it into bits and bytes. But Limbaugh is on a tear and HE'S STEALING ALL MY IDEAS! Zip it, bud! Leave me something to work with, K?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

[Noesheet] "Stimulus Sheriff Joe Biden was seen in public today for the first time since the last time he appeared in public. Clad in his finest Full Dress Sheriff's Uniform, he made his appearance before a crowd of the jubilantly funemployed. Chaos swirled all around him, but the Sheriff remained unflappable. Showing the steely resolve and careful phrasing he is known for, he calmed the overly festive horde: 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined'.

"Job losses reported today reveal that the economy shed another 551,000 jobs last month - considerably more expected. Sheriff Joe remained unfazed. 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined.' Official unemployment is expected to be around 9.8% in tomorrow's report. I think the gov't deserves some props for their management of labor statistics - it is remarkable how there have been so many job losses, yet official funemployment numbers never seem to exceed that psychologically important value of 10%. Unofficial funderemployment figures are now above 16%, and youth funemployment is up to a whopping 52%. This brought forth the Sheriff's most forceful words yet: 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined.'

When a gathering of young funemployed victims of Bush's bad economic policies demanded to know when they'd get jobs, the Sheriff properly told them 'Shut up, you lousy ingrates! Imagine how bad it would be if we hadn't spent $787 godzillian bucks on stimulus! All is well! All is wellll! All is well-ellll-elllllllll!' Now, back to you."

[MSM talking head] "Thank you for that excellent reporting, Noesheet."