The Perfect Christmas Gifts For Your Girlfriend(s)

Let’s face it, gift giving is a chore for most men. After the lustful glow of a relationship has worn off (2 weeks), men find little joy shopping for acceptable gifts, purchasing them, and giving them to their girlfriends. This is because men know that, in reality, gift giving is the danegeld we pay to women to put off for a few months any soul-searching emotional meltdowns. Fact: Men could do without the obligations, crass consumerism and bogus bonhomie of the holidays entirely as long as the heavy drinking and eating weren’t scotched.

In this spirit, here is a guide for getting your girl the optimal (and by “optimal”, I mean “most likely to secure you an eggnog-slicked blowjob) gift this joyous Christmas season. (This guide applies as well to you lonely revelers of also-ran holidays like Hanukkah and Eid. Kwanzaa is too silly for consideration.)

The quality and type of optimal gift to give will depend on the momentousness of the holiday or occasion being celebrated and the seriousness of the relationship you have with the girl at the time of the holiday. Generally speaking, birthdays and anniversaries require more romantic, thoughtful gifts, while Christmas and its spin-offs are a time to indulge your inner child on gifts that are fun and show some of your personality. In short, romantic gifts showcase your attentiveness to what she wants, while fun gifts showcase your creativity and aspects of your personality. Christmas is usually more fun to shop for gifts because of this reason; expectations are mercifully constrained, and you can chill out free from the pressure of finding that perfect engraved bracelet which says “I love you when I’m plundering your body”.

To help the gift-buying process along, think of the optimal gift not as a gift to her, but a gift to you — the gift of ensuring that she will put out for another three months, hassle-free.

The Chateau Gift-Buying Guide

If she is a mistress:

Something perishable, like a dinner or bouquet of flowers. You don’t want evidence of your infidelity lingering on either you or her.

Upside: Keeps her expectations low. If you give her expensive stuff she’ll assume you’re thinking of leaving your wife to be with her.

Downside: A mistress always has you by the balls, unless you have managed the trick of persuading your wife to the spiritual benefits of polygyny. Go cheap on the gifts and she may show up at your front door at 2Am with a bag of candy.

Be careful! Many a man has learnt* a painful financial lesson when his loins were in charge of his credit card. Best bet: don’t buy the potential slut anything. At three weeks, she could still be fucking her ex, or flirting with the bartender she thinks she has a shot with. If you must buy something, make it goofy and cheap, like a collection of Silly Bandz. A goofy cheap gift says all the right things to a girl who is still feeling you out for your alpha cred. She will know you aren’t emotionally invested in her, and this will kickstart her hamster to raise your value and spin a storyline that has her chasing you, instead of the other way around.

*Last night I bangt a girl.

If she is a fling (you’ve been dating for fewer than three months, and plan to keep it that way):

For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band both you and her like. Use her as a pawn to flirt with hipster chicks at the show.

For Christmas, a scarf and a bottle of Chivas. Drink until she’s hot and/or interesting.

If she is in the three to four month limbo between a fling and a girlfriend (and you’re not sure if she’s the one):

For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band she likes but you don’t necessarily like. Use the flirting hipster chicks as pawns to raise her sexing temp.

For Christmas, a stuffed animal with a homemade card (illegibly written) tucked into its arm. Feeling extra generous? Wrap the scarf you bought for her around the stuffed animal’s neck.

If she is your girlfriend, i.e. #1 crush:

For birthdays or anniversaries, bracelet or necklace (stay away from rings; the association is too strong) if you are a beta. A puppy if you are a greater beta. A hot cocktail dress with accompanying lingerie if you are an alpha. A homemade mix tape if you are a super alpha. Play her a song you wrote on your guitar if you are an emo alpha. Airline tix to Kiev, if you want to give her a gift that you’ll both enjoy.

For Christmas, ditch the conventional trinkets of romantic servitude in favor of fun and funny. Buy her a print of that awesome Kramer painting. Frame some of your best photos to hang on her wall (this serves the insidious dual purpose of continually reminding her of you should you two break up). Get her a collection of movies you know she likes. Or Wii foreplay games. Buy her some wicked “Eyes Wide Shut” masks for her bookshelf (or bedroom play). One caveat: Never buy a girl shoes. You won’t get it right, and she’ll resent you for robbing her of a chance to go shoe shopping.

Gift giving for girlfriends is a minefield. If you play the long game, you don’t want to make a habit of giving expensive or hard-to-acquire gifts, because that will raise her expectations and thus make her intolerable to live with two years down the road. Multiply her insufferable entitlement complex by ten should you make the mistake of marrying her. Remember that a girl will evaluate not just your worth, but her own worth as well based on the priciness or thoughtfulness of the gifts you give her.

Maxim #87: The more expensive or thoughtful the gift you give a girl, the greater the risk that she will subconsciously begin to think she is too good for you.

Corollary to Maxim #87: If you are dating out of your league, or you are dating a young hot babe in her prime, you should do the exact opposite of what everyone will tell you to do — *don’t* buy her expensive gifts. Be particularly wary of advice from women. No woman in the world is capable of thinking clearly or impartially on the matter of “acceptable” levels of male provisioning. Even old, fat hausfrau hogs will expect mountains of jewels in offerings from men.

Set the alpha tempo early by dispensing your gifts infrequently and unpredictably. Avoid buying big ticket items like jewelry or superlatively romantic emblems like large bouquets of roses if she still has high dating market value. (One rose is cool, though.) Grateful men give expensive gifts, but grateful men don’t excite women. Be an ungrateful man. Be a Skittles man this holiday season.

A girl who has options simply will not appreciate expensive gifts like a girl who is desperate for your love. In fact, expensive, ego-stroking gifts can shut off the tingle spigot and spur a girl to reevaluate her options on the open market. The way to nip this female neural compulsion in the bud is to frequently pull up short in your indicators of affection for her. An example of an excellent HIOA (humbling indicator of affection) is a pair of tube socks stuffed with Hershey kisses.

If she’s your aging wife in a country with divorce laws that favor the husband:

Nothing.

If she’s your aging wife in the USA:

Refinance the mortgage to buy her the moon.

If she is girl #3 in your harem:

Nothing. If you can swing an open harem without consequence, profligate gift-giving will only undermine your hard work. Instead, treat your girls to what they always get — the gift of your jackhammer. (Exception: when building a harem, it sometimes helps to play one girl off another by selectively giving them gifts of varying quality.)

Be careful! Many a man has learnt* a painful financial lesson when his loins were in charge of his credit card. Best bet: don’t buy the potential slut anything. At three weeks, she could still be fucking her ex,

Andrew Dice Clay told a throwaway joke about always breaking up with a girl right before the holidays. “That’s right, no presents for you, just a few loads from my dick.” Gifts for yourself are better than gifts for girls.

A few Christmases ago I stopped into a place I was driving past. I decided to check out the jewelry. Yuck, yuck and yuck. Mostly designer type crap I hate. I finally picked something that was appealing to me. Wasn’t sure why.

On gift opening she looks surprised. Great, I think. Proud of myself I say “Yeah, something about it was appealing. Looks like you”.

Her mouth still silently open she says, “You bought this for me last year”

I shrugged and got a drink.

It seemed to leave her confused. Considerate and thoughtless at the same time. Actually the after effect was better than any other gift I’ve ever given her.

A girl’s birthday is tricky as well, particularly if you are seeing her non-exclusively and want to keep expectations low. Do you see her on her birthday? That could send the wrong message.

I try to set something up a day or two before her birthday and then maybe text her on her birthday inviting her out a few days later. I avoid the boyfriendy “Happy Birthday” and instead ask her if she got her spankings.

Similarly, I would stay away from the obvious “Merry Christmas” and instead ask a lewd question about what Santa brought her.

I thought a guy like Roissy would probably jump with glee to know that there are a bunch of women out there who plan to do nothing but obey their fathers then their husband. Essentially bringing back the 1950’s idea of what a woman should be.

on a more serious note, agree with the maxim with one exception. It’s about congruency too. If you are rich (Charlie Harper), you can go with diamonds etc w/o triggering worth alarm. Same if you actually are a “thoughtful” indie-ish hipsterish guy who gives everyone cheap but cool/cute presents.

I typically don’t bother with gifts at all, but I can definitely relate to the times I’ve encountered the tricky b-days of ones I’ve bedded just weeks before. The thoughtfulness can definitely still blow up in your face and be interpreted the wrong way even when it’s inexpensive and you just wanted to acknowledge their presence instead of ignoring them as you do with one of the many holes you’re filling in your spare time.

When I was a young pup, I literally had no money to spare, because it all went to my “career.” You know the drill: rehearsal studios, music gear, hair spray (this was more than a few years ago, mind you,) boxes and boxes of macaroni and cheese, etc. So although I wasn’t much of a gift giver anyway, I always got a pass because girlfriends understood (and supported) my situation.

But then I’d feel kinda bad, because they’d always get me something nice for various holidays. So I’d make up some instrumental guitar piece real quick (or sometimes recycle an old one) and say I wrote it for them. I’d put in lots of Major 7 and 9 chords, so it would sound pretty. Call it beta if you like, but it was pure magic.

captures the paradox of women: no good deed goes unpunished because acts of kindness are interpreted as weakness. To quote hugh hefner, “men don’t get married, they surrender”… and contempt is dispensed to the vanquished.

Since I’m already started on this topic, I’ll offer a tip to any musicians wanting to get off cheap and write something sweet or romantic: Melodically, if you have a leap or two of a 6th or a 7th, especially going up (down is cool, too, but up is more typical) then it instantly has a “tug at the heartstrings” kind of feel.

Leaps of a 5th or an octave work okay, too (think “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”) but personally, I find the 6th and 7th leaps in your melody to be easier. (I started typing why, but it was gonna get really long.)

One other tip, on the more traditional “Romantic Pop Writing 101″ front: You can’t go wrong with this staple chord progression:
C, G/B, Am, G, F, C, Dm, G.
A zillion love songs use that progression (transposed to the appropriate key, of course,) but it’s generic enough that it won’t sound like any specific previous song, so your girl will really think you wrote it. (As if it matters, since chord progressions are not copyrightable.)

Then you already fucked up by getting married in the first place, right Roissy?

Seriously, lots of married guys read your blog. You need to discuss how we can finesse the “being married” part in using game to score some fun pussy on the side. Do your married readers a favor, and give us your wisdom on this topic.

Nothing beta about that, I’ll pull out the Martin acoustic and pull out some recycled easy cord sequence or just thump a few strings on the rickenbacker bass, always seems to work…. Once they see your passion towards it as if they are not there (while playing), the tingles just seem to be amplified even more so…

C, G/B, Am, G, F, C, Dm, G.
A zillion love songs use that progression (transposed to the appropriate key, of course,) but it’s generic enough that it won’t sound like any specific previous song, so your girl will really think you wrote it.

A lot of guys think I’m cruel when I say that they need to consider women from a behavioral conditioning perspective. Reinforce desired behavior and remove rewards for undesired behavior. It’s basic operant conditioning used to modify behavior. Mystery and a few other PUAs stumbled upon this without knowing it’s psychological foundation when they developed the Takeaway technique to counter LMR in a sarge, but it has far greater applications than just this.

It’s for this reason a guy should never give women gifts until AFTER she’s had (good) sex with him. The flowers come after a good night of passion – that’s a reward, a reinforcer – never before the act of intimacy – this is a bribe or an obligation. There are many ways to do this; you just have to be Man enough and confident enough to act on it. Gifts are a reward for desired behavior.

I should also add it’s vital that Men learn this, because it is a woman’s standard default to modify men’s behavior since they hold a time proven reward for desired behavior – sex. This comes naturally for them; it doesn’t take long for them to master the idea, and is thus the best agency they possess in relation to their looks – and to some guys, looks become less of a factor once she’s ensured she is his sole source of sex and he’s dependent upon her for it.

Walking near a lake, my girl and I both saw two roses ahead of us on the muddy ground; one red and one white.

I told my girl ”shut your eyes, I have a present for you.”

When she opened them, she had the red ground-rose presented to her.

She held onto that rose until we got back to her house, and adoringly set it on her nightstand, later commenting to me what a great time she had that weekend, and how she had never gotten a rose from the ground as a gift before.

I want something that reminds me of him where ever I go. It would be nice to have his smell or a little piece if his hair in a little tiny flask so I can wear it around my neck. I have a crazy idea of making a small collage made up of both of our pubic hairs!!!haha!! good hey! Crazy hey!!hehhehe!! I bet ya he would love it! I would hang it up somewhere for all to see!!! A bathrobe with my name stitched on it would be a reminder for him every time he puts it on how I would wrap around him. I could go on and on I have soooooo many ideas. hehe!

This was one skill I was born with. My gifts were usually no more than homemade greeting cards with irreverence, and I remember several had what we would call negs today. I don’t recall ever buying jewelery. Do men buy that shit? The Achilles heal in my youth was approaching, but relationship stuff was always solid.

Romantic acts are used to close the gap between a peasant girl and a prince. That is what schlubby doesn’t get. A flower in the hand of a peasant boy is a lily for the deceased.

If your babe comes out of the bathroom in full pajamas after an hour, in a fit of self conscious feelings of unworthiness, call a florist.

True, Kwanza is silly fraud of a holiday created to let SWPL’s celebrate their post Christianity awesomeness (what, am I worong?), but it would be hilarious to tell a girl you’re going to celebrate the meaningless PC platitudes of it all.

Day 1, heres a pepper shaker to symbolize, uh, world peace (now you must blow me)
day 2, heres an envelop to symbolize our fight against globalization (now, u must blo me)
day 3 here is a pack of gum to symbolize the need to recycle (now, u blow me)
etc.

really?? it’s SUPER alpha? i mean come on, isn’t that stuff for wispy hipsters a la high fidelity or something? guess it depends on how you work it idk. also i have totally given mixtapes so i guess i am a super alpha then ha. for a ltr practical gifts are really nice as long as they make sense for the person.

an easy way to avoid paying for shit is to steal it. this way, you can justify giving her a weird gift by saying “look what I did for you! I braved arrest to get you this useless trinket!” i have plenty of money from jobs, etc, but i hate spending money on trinkets. One year I ripped a rear-view mirror off the side of a car, put a bow on it, and gave it to my girlfriend. she was appalled at first, but she got wet real fast.

as duxbury said, no good deed goes unpunished. The reverse of this is also true. bad deeds get rewarded. stealing things gives you “bad boy” cred.

Remote controlled vibrating panties are a great alpha gift for any occasion and any stage or sort of relationship.

Creates an unspoken (but obvious) power dynamic with you on top and programs her mind with the idea that you make her gina tingle on command practically through your sheer force of alpha will. Plus creates a (or strengthens the) conspiratorial bond between you. Probably more reasons

If she’s your girlfriend #1 crush, you can save yourself a lot of grief by taking note of little things she likes before coming to “gift giving season.” Then just get one of these things for her. The smaller and cheaper the better. What will make her wet and loyal is not its size or expense, but the fact that you saw and kept track of her interior. She will consider your memory evidence of some kind of deep soul connection, and you, who maybe spent next to nothing on acquiring it, can reap the rewards of having a merely functional memory.

For those guys trying to keep it light and funny, I would suggest the Prank Pack as a box to wrap the gift in. Essentially, it’s a box of a completely ridiculous product like, “The Pet Petter Electronic Petting Arm”, “The Family Snugee (a snugee for the entire family)”, or the “Motorized Rolling Pin”.

You can put your real gift inside the fake box. The reaction of them trying to be nice is priceless.

I’m not associated with the company in any way but have used these boxes before because they’re hilarious. You can also buy them at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

It usually costs you nothing or next to nothing, if you’re traveling on work’s dime, there’s no evidence (aside from Facebook pictures), and there’s no risk. The facebook pictures only increase your perceived value.

Reminds me of the Friend’s episode where Chandler has a crush on Joey’s gf and they both get her presents for her bday. Joey gives her a handwritten coupon for Joey love. Chandler gives her a rare, signed, first edition of her favorite childhood book, which he had to search every bookstore in Manhattan to find. When they give the gifts to her, she gives Chandler a long soulful “thank you, that is so sweet…” complete with a touch on the arm. She then, right in front of him, proceeds to the bedroom and fucks the hell out of Joey.

Never forget, 5 minutes of Alpha trumps 5 years of beta. I’ve had women sentimentally hang onto the gum ball machine rings I gave them on a whim well into their LTRs with betas who’d buy them diamond tennis bracelets.

The most romantic things a woman will remember will never be the things you planned to be romantic. They’ll be most goofy, spontaneous, unintentional crap you’d never dream she’d hang onto.

“It’s positively dangerous. Thank God my brain does not work in that way.”

But it does. A girl is looking for something that better symbolizes her relationship with you. Unless you are a jeweler who met her in a gemstone class, a precious metal doesn’t mean shit.

Men do the same thing. If you have had close family member who died you would know what I mean. My grandmother’s favorite song and strong perfume bring back a hell of a lot of memories from my youth, not her generic 20k car.

Besides, I don’t need to read this blog to know you don’t spend a shit ton of money on any girl you don’t plan to marry.

“You only buy jewelry on 2 occasions. When you get married and when you fuck up.”

A cheap yoga mat ($6-10 usually) has been my go to gift for a few years now. It’s a relatively innocuous, but effective neg on their body image (though it has backfired a couple times so far) and provides a good excuse to go to classes with them (e.g. enjoy the view and flirt shamelessly while simultaneously raising your value to other women by accompanying them).

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

My god, this post just reminded me that the girl in my bed just had her birthday yesterday. I thought she had turned 21, but it turns out she turned 20! Holy fuck, that makes my happy. What a little sweety. Ok, she gets a present.

A girl’s birthday is tricky as well, particularly if you are seeing her non-exclusively and want to keep expectations low.

Non exclusively both ways, you mean?

I always operate under the assumption that I’m her main guy, even on those rare occasions when I chose to be blind to what she is doing when not with me. So I’ll assume I’m the one she wants to spend a birthday with. Which is cool. I’m the present – our time together is a gift. Any thing is incidental. If the passion is there, it will feel like that for the both of you.

@Just A Horny DudeIf she is a mistress:
Then you already fucked up by getting married in the first place, right Roissy?
Seriously, lots of married guys read your blog. You need to discuss how we can finesse the “being married” part in using game to score some fun pussy on the side. Do your married readers a favor, and give us your wisdom on this topic.

Pussy on the side is easy. There’s no big trick to it. The trick comes when
1) You like the side more than the main course
2) Your main course finds out about the sauce on the side and bolts (takes the plates and cutlery with it if you’ve already paid for dinner)
3) Food just doesn’t taste the same again unless it has the sauce.

I specialized in married women for a little while. It was tasty: There was little risk of emotional involvement (though the risk wasn’t zero: you’d be surprised), and while often inconvenient, it was also extremely hot.

Getting some on the side is lots of fun. But it can fuck up your #1 relaitonship.

But take this advice:

What can really fuck up your #1 relationship (and suck the sex right out of it – notwithstanding anything any woman ever says, because they’re all deluded) is:

If you have no options, your wife will not have sex with you. Or will have much less, and much less interesting, sex with you.

If you have options (even if you don’t exercise them) and she likes you, she’ll fuck your brains out more or less constantly for fear of you wandering.

X splat “There is never any opportunity to wear lingerie. What, your going to take off all of your clothes in order to put on lingerie in order to take off your lingerie?”
–> So your girl is never, say, waiting for you when you get back home from something?
And, who said you had to take it off? Porn get’s a lot of things wrong but at least they realize your girl is even hotter if her stockings and heels stay on lol.

—

Cr “Never buy a girl shoes”
–> My man buys me the shoes *he* likes to see me in, and that work’s out pretty well for both of us haha. But ya Id be a bit weirded out if he decided to buy me everyday type shoes. Or everyday type anything lol

I was never into the Christmas or valentines gifts, but it works if u stay consistent and don’t bow to the pressure. I love seeing other womens face when they ask me what I am getting my ltr mate, and I say nothing with a straight face.

But being consistent she now answers with a straight face for me! Seems proud of it, like my man is doing something different than all of your beta men!

I may do a birthday gift for her but for some reason we are always broken up at that time! Works for me.

Hint: homemade mix tapes, classic. She put one in the other day and man it brought back memories!

Whatever you give her – don’t just give it to her, make her work for it. I do it all the time.

My favorite is the dancer gift – I tell the girl to dance for me and if she proves herself as an erotic dancer of fine quality she will get the gift. If I am not completely satisfied she gets another challenge until she passes and gets the hard earned gift. Other challenges might be to draw something (erotic) for me, sing a song, answer a riddle et cetera.

@Xsplat
” There is never any opportunity to wear lingerie. What, your going to take off all of your clothes in order to put on lingerie in order to take off your lingerie?”

It’s always sexier to NOT show everything, but just the right amount and leave it up to the imagination. Don’t you know what lingerie brings out in a girl? Just wearing it makes you FEEL sexier and ready for ANYTHING!!! ha!

“By the way Audrey, I rarely shop for clothes, because I rarely wear them. I’m naked right now.”

X splat
“Really, lingerie is pointless. Just be naked. Candian rules”
–> Haha clever canajins lol
So thats how they keep the kidnapped girl scouts captive then, up there in the white north
Rid em’ of all their clothes and then they can’t escape into the cold ass winter lol.

But wait I thought you had these girls cooking yr food and stuff too? You wouldent want them to wear stripper heels and cuban stocking’s while they cooked dinner? Poor boy your missing out.
(And of course an apron if their cooking with hot oil yowch!)

Remote controlled vibrating panties are a great alpha gift for any occasion and any stage or sort of relationship.

Any particular brand recommendations? I’ve been looking around at these for a sub but there are so many types and I can’t really try them on myself. I’m looking forward to tormenting her secretly in public via remote but I don’t want to waste cash on crap.

What “It’s always sexier to NOT show everything, but just the right amount and leave it up to the imagination. ”

Depends what kind of body you have.

I’ve taken the scissors to one girls shlumpy pajama outfit, and replaced it with my version of sexier clothes. I didn’t choose lingerie, it was more of a cross between a disco bitch and a french maid outfit.

The tits on one of my girls are a crime to cover. No imagination could be sexier. She thinks her ass is sexier unrevealed, but I disagree. A man doesn’t get desensitized to sexuality, and an attractive young body is sexuality. Eye candy needs to be unwrapped in order to attain the full sensual pleasure from it.

Lingerie may make you feel sexier. To me that would not necessariliy make me feel sexier. I’m not trying to make the woman feel more comfortable, and sensual, necessarily. I want her to feel enslaved.