Saturdays with the sugar daddy; can an OPEN marriage be sustained long-term

So it’s that time of the week again Fridays with the Sugar Daddy…except we’re a day late because well we had a sick ten year old to contend with, a dog who was having some bowel problems and a little boy who needed a lot of TLC- as in let’s play ten games of chess and proceed to cry and dump the board at the end of each successive game if I don’t win, but as usual I digress.

the sugar daddy

It is now time for Saturdays with the sugar daddy and this week we have a FEW fun topics I’m posing to my sugar daddy. First up Newt Gingrich and his request for an open marriage from his second wife. We were just casually chatting and I jokingly asked him what he thought about Gingrich’s request to which he replied, “Who wouldn’t want an open marriage?!” So I had to dig deeper…
Here is our follow-up conversation

Me:”Wait do you want an open marriage?”

The sugar daddy:” Of course not, it was a joke”

Me: “But isn’t the truth said in jest?”

The sugar daddy: “Well Newt Gingrich wanted it open on his end, I’m sure he didn’t want his wife to indulge in an open marriage too. Obviously I don’t think a relationship can work when it’s open, for anyone involved, it defeats the purpose of a relationship. If you want to have a relationship, if you are going to have multiple sex partners it undermines the intimacy you can establish with your main relationship- i.e. your wife. I don’t think men really want an open relationship- or if they do it’s probably one sided- wherein they can be the only ones indulging – not their wives.”

Me: So why do you think Gingrich asked his second wife for an open marriage- why not just get divorced?

The sugar daddy: Well that’s exactly what he did, he ended up getting divorced and married his now third wife.

Me: But do you think an open marriage can be sustained, if it’s “open” just on the man’s part?

The sugar daddy: Not really, because how is that benefiting the wife.

Me: Well Maybe Newt had insatiable sexual needs that just one woman couldn’t fulfill- so having an open marriage, took some of this pressure off the wife, and let another woman pick up the slack in servicing his needs?

The sugar daddy: It really just seemed to me like he wanted a relationship with the other woman and it was convenient to stay married to his current wife for appearance sake. The truth is- if you are going to have an open marriage- you can’t call it a marriage. If you both have different definitions of a marriage you can’t stay in that marriage.

Me: So back to my question, why don’t you think a marriage can be open and work?

The sugar daddy: It’s just human nature that jealousies will arise and it can only lead to disaster- it just completely undermines the sanctity of a marriage. Put it this way- if you feel the need to have sex with another woman outside of your marriage- then you are obviously lacking something within your marriage that you either need to work on, or you need to admit that your marriage is no longer viable.

Me: But isn’t it true that that’s the fantasy of all married men to have multiple wives/ sex partners?

The sugar daddy: Yes, that’s the fantasy it’s not real. It could never work in real life.

Me: Wait but what about that show, sister wives?

The sugar daddy: I don’t know how they do it. How can they not be jealous of each other. Also they went into that relationship under those terms, knowing what it was– whereas, we entered our marriage with just the two of us.

Me: Wait.. what if I said, honey go for it- take on another sex partner-I’m okay with it- oh and I’ll take on one too?

The sugar daddy: I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it- because it would be something I was doing outside of our relationship that’s outside of the monogamy that I want to have. Oh and I DON’T want you having sex with anyone either!

Me: Ok- next up for you– What are your thoughts on the impending divorce of Seal and Heidi Klum- the married celebrity couple who always boasted of their robust sex life?

The Sugar Daddy: It seemed like they had such a rock solid relationship, they had four kids– I never thought they would break up?

Me: That scares me– if they can break up– what’s to keep our marriage together?

The Sugar Daddy: We’re committed to each other. Obviously there were problems in their marriage that no one knew about. Honey- we have mutual trust, commitment and respect-oh yeah and great sex- we’ll be fine!

Comments

Let me answer a question with a question: How involved are the “outside partners” with the children you have with your primary partner? Do they attend the PTA meetings or are they more like inflatable sex dolls you call upon when needed and deflate during the afterglow? Because that’s a very real consideration addressed by today’s polyamorous couples.

Panic stricken yet? Yeh. Me too.

Personally, I barely can tolerate my own mood swings and those of my wife. I can’t imagine trying to accommodate the whims, hopes, desires, and disappointments of a third or (fates forbid) a fourth. And “okay with it” will, sooner or later, become “resentful of it.” And then it’s not an open marriage anymore, it’s just an unhappy affair. So to answer your question: long-term, no.

BTW I agree with Sugar Daddy’s analysis of the Newt situation. He wanted the appearance of propriety while having a sanctioned affair. His reaction would have changed had his 2nd wife said, “Sure Newt, I’m already seeing 2 other guys and have been for months.”

i’m with charlie, i do not believe that an open marriage can sustain in the long run. there are just too many stressors to a relationship already and adding one or more person is just too complicated to sustain.

i never quite understood the difference in relationships of polyamorous couples, what draws them into pursuing such a relationship and such.

Actually, your husband was spot on when he said ” Also they went into that relationship under those terms, knowing what it was– whereas, we entered our marriage with just the two of us.”

I know several polyamorous people (they have relationships ouside the traditional 1-1 formation) and swingers (they have sex with others while both are present, though maybe not in tandem with the same persons), a couple in particular has just celebrated their 10 year anniversairy as married. They key is transparancy, and having good ways of talking through it all. Not just saying what’s on their mind, but accepting and handling what the other one says too.

They are completely open with potential new partners, both towards their married partner and the potential new one. There are no secrets, and there is no harbored jealousy or anger. If it occurs then that is talked about and adressed. For those that are not monogamously driven, it would seem that if the rest of the relationship is healthy, then a lack of needs being met by the partner leads to negative emotions.

It takes a very mature level headed handle on the difference between need and want, and an ability to stick to the agreements and talk things through to do those kinds of relationships in a healthy manner. All parties need to know what they’re going into from the start, and need to be able to change the limits if they change as people. Like any relationship really, only with more people to take into account.

Also, a breach of limits and wants must be talked about, and what those are to begin with. Someone want to see a movie with their partner, but that partner takes another to the movies instead – full well knowing how there is a certain someone wanting to do that with them, that could be a breach. Involving new people without telling all parties involved, usually always a breach. Not staying safe when being intimate, even if it is with well known partners, that could very well be a breach.

Melissa Chapman blogs about her marriage and everything in between at Married My Sugar Daddy and her kids and parenting right here at The Staten Island Family. Her work has appeared in The Staten Island Advance, Care.com, ABC News,BlogHer, Baby Center, Momtourage, Babble, The Washington Post, Time Out NY Kids, iVillage and Lifetime Moms.