Vatican launches Home Exorcism Kit

Pope Benedict XVI has given his seal of approval for a special self-exorcism kit that members of the general public can use to tackle their own personal demons.

The kit, comprising of bell, book and candle, plus a special phial of holy water blessed by the Pope himself, will be available from the Vatican home shopping channel, QVC, Quality Value Catholicism.

‘The Home Exorcism Kit is a real blessing to those people who are possessed by demons but don’t possess the time to deal with them,’ said Vatican chief exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth. ‘Now people can exorcise from the comfort of their own home, and without having to wait ages for a priest to arrive.’

The launch of the kit is seen as a response to a rising number of possessions that are putting Vatican emergency services under strain.

‘Satan has been very busy recently,’ said Father Amorth. ‘As exorcists we’re completely rushed off our feet, and sometimes thrown backwards and pinned against the wall too. The Home Exorcism Kit is the solution. And at only €666 it’s a small price to pay for a cleansed soul. Money back guarantee if not completely exorcised.’

Father Amorth dismissed accusations that the church was cynically making money from people’s misery and distress saying only, ‘If anyone can, Vatican.’

The Home Exorcism Kit includes a special dispensation from the Pope allowing people to perform their very own exorcisms, on themselves, troublesome members of their family or anyone they meet in the street and who looks a bit funny. For an added sense of atmosphere the deluxe edition comes with a tiny fog generating machine and a Tubular Bells CD.

‘Some people may be uncertain if they have become impregnated with the demonic spore of Satan,’ said Father Amorth, ‘but now they can check for themselves using our new Possession Testing Kit. It’s very easy to use: simply rotate your head 360 degrees and vomit onto the chemical testing strip. If it goes red you are possessed by the devil; if it goes blue you probably just ate some bean sprouts.’

Speaking to crowds at St Peter’s Square Pope Benedict proudly showed off the new product. ‘Everyone should buy a Home Exorcism Kit,’ he declared. ‘Order now, while stocks last. It will be one possession you’ll be glad to have.’