Don’t get me wrong, the Internet is great. It’s full of porn, Backcountry.com, games, and I’m sure lots of other things as well. And if you want something scientific like special relativity, the issue of incoherent douchetards with nothing to occupy their time doesn’t really come into play.

This doesn’t happen. I made it up. Don’t go check.

But when it comes to more debatable, more public information, the quality of information goes down faster than a sorority girl on Halloween. And thence comes the subject of today’s post.

It all started with Google Reader. I subscribe to CNN’s news feed via RSS, and one day, the headline “18 things to teach your son about women” caught my eye. I was drawn in. I was intrigued. My interest, you might say, was piqued.

This is the first entry in Google Images for “pique”.Presumably this does not help you.

So I clicked it. And I was astounded. Such a range of useless and actually good ideas mixed together on one web page has never been witnessed. I will now run you through the list.

1. Pick your battles.

This is a fantastic piece of advice. One of the most useful things any man could ever be told regarding women, and the one to be followed the most dogmatically. I would alter that to “avoid battles entirely”, to be honest. In my experience, the only outcomes to arguing with a woman are being a dick, feeling like a dick, and losing. None are good.

2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion.

Ah…so close. What point #1 has in validity is immediately stripped away by the stupidity of this tip. I suppose the question is why? To protect her from seeing puddles? To ensure that a car that just barely jumps the curb will surgically tear you off of her, leaving her both intact and eternally traumatized? What’s the damn point?

3. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you.

This is true. Don’t go there.

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women.

Also true. I myself have done laundry, cooked, and washed dishes. Several times, in fact.

5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid.

This is an extremely bad idea. Giving a woman chocolate can go very right or very, very wrong. In the right context, chocolate is extremely sexy and romantic. That context is not “scattered around the house like kibbles”. Chocolate also opens that black hole that all men must eventually fall into: calling her fat with absolutely no intention of doing so. If you see how much chocolate releases the stress of her long day and her obvious appreciation and happiness warms the cockles of your heart and you say something like “you really like chocolate, don’t you?”, you’re dead. Any reference at all to her enjoyment of food can be construed as a statement about her weight. Apparently—on an unrelated note—so can “you look tired”. What the fuck?

Look closely. Tired. NOT FAT.

6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you.

Yes, everyone knows they’re not for you. Unless they think you’re a giant perv. Alternatively, they could interpret that to mean that your significant other has you so under her thumb that she can’t even be bothered to get for herself the products that she inserts into her own bleeding vagina. You use several a month every goddamn month, year after year. Keep yourself stocked. Granted, if he’s just on his way home and you ask him to stop by the store, that’s more acceptable, but here’s a little secret for the ladies: men don’t like to think about the fact that women fart or poop. They really don’t like thinking about women’s periods. Making him buy tampons is not helping.

7. Women like compliments and gifts.

Compliments, great. Keep ’em coming, though not so much as to make it seem insincere. Gifts are another story. Cheap gifts obviously won’t cut it, expensive gifts are…expensive, and if you buy her gifts regularly and then back it down, something wicked this way comes. It’s an angry woman, and you want to avoid those at all costs. See point #1.

8. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating.

Agreed. It also means you shouldn’t have to pay for every damn thing you do together.

9. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t.

Stupid. If she’s never on time and you have to stand around in the freezing cold waiting for her every single night, you should talk to her about it. If you can’t remedy the situation, she’s being unreasonable and you’re entitled to show up late. I respect women, but I’m not going to take shit like that.

10. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her.

If a girl ever accuses you of being a “pouty puppy” with any detectable degree of seriousness, especially if she’s dragging you around a mall while she looks through windows (something men, face it ladies, don’t enjoy) leave immediately and forever. Men should never hit a woman, drink beer through a straw, turn down a free steak, or admit to being afraid of the dark. They should also never have to put up with being called a pouty puppy. Fuck that shit.

FAR more emasculating than buying tampons.

11. Find out what her favorite flower is.

Fine.

12. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck.

This doesn’t make sense. Any woman out there who, because of a gift—a GIFT—that happens to be of a style or color that she doesn’t like, will change her mind about the looks, personality, or general likeability of the guy she is dating doesn’t deserve to be treated with respect. He’s trying to do a nice thing by choosing from approximately as many options as there are atoms in the known universe. If you don’t like it, say thanks and never wear it. It was free. Don’t be a bitch.

13. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening.

That’s true. It also deserves to be said that men do not spend their days waiting for women to come to them with problems. If he says he’s busy, he very well may be. Women don’t seem to grasp that the things we do while single are still on the schedule. There is a time and a place. Respect that.

14. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.

Debatable. Some women think it’s a sign of weakness, some see sensitivity.

15. Personality goes a long way.

Women tell men this because they are cruel beings that like to play god and watch lesser people suffer. Every single man in the world has seen a woman date, make out with, or sleep with a guy who should instead be kicked in the throat with a considerable degree of force. And every guy has heard the friend-zone-clinching words “You’re so great” after listening her bitch about that guy, only to go back to him.

Case in point.

16. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother.

No man over the age of 12 is under any illusions about this. Men out there: imagine your mother telling you “believe it or not, there will come a time when your thoughts will spend more time dwelling on college chicks than on your mother back at home”. Thanks for the heads up.

17. You will never completely understand women.

Again, no man who has ever met a human being with two X chromosomes needs to be told this. No man has ever thought “you know, I think I’ve got a solid handle on women in general”. Ever.

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

What you’re doing here is trying to ensure as securely as possible that your son will die depressed, alone, and unsatisfied. Nice work.