Letters I'll Never Send

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To You: the Man I’m Missing Every Day,
We had a future. I know things don’t work out the way we want them to, but I still believe we could’ve made it. That is, until you hit me with that bombshell. They say that love means giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. And that’s exactly what I did. I’ve never let anyone as close as I let you. I never believed in a thousand years that you would hurt me the way that you did. No, you didn’t cheat on me. No, you didn’t hit me, or mentally abuse me. And no, you didn’t scream at me or fight with me about anything. I always believed that we could overcome any problem. I thought all important problems were big, dramatic ones. I’m not sure why I thought that, but I did. I guess I didn’t see how you could destroy me with such a tiny stone. It was something so seemingly miniscule and yet it caused my world to crumble around me. That sounds overly dramatic, which it probably is, but that’s how I feel.

The worst part is seeing what COULD have been. We could’ve been amazing together. You would’ve toured the world following your dreams, and I would’ve waited for you with loving arms and my dreams: children who would shower you with hugs and kisses when you came home. I thought that you wanted a family. I thought that I was pretty up front the whole time in the fact that I wanted a family. But a familiy is more than just you and me. I wish you would’ve said something sooner. Three years is a long time to maneuver around every excuse you could come up with before finally getting to what you really feel. You always seem to do that. You think of every way you can to avoid something until a push through all of that muck, just to figure out what’s really on your mind. If you would’ve just told me as soon as you started to change your mind, maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t miss you as much as I do. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so awkward around you. Maybe I wouldn’t crave your touch. Maybe I wouldn’t want to kiss you every time I look into your eyes.

I can’t be too upset with you. You can’t help what you want, and we made the decision to break it off together. What was the point of staying together if we were moving in opposite directions, anyway? I’m sorry I haven’t made a huge effort to spend time with you since the break up. Every time we hang out, I just feel like crying. I hate feeling that way. And I know that you can pick up on whenever I’m feeling down. I don’t want you to see me like this. I always wanted to be someone strong for you. I don’t want you to see the broken me, especially since I’m broken over you. I know you. You’d feel terrible, like it was your fault even though it couldn’t be helped. I don’t want you to feel bad at all. Just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean I don’t still love you. I want you to be happy.

I won’t be broken forever, I promise. Maybe a little twisted down the road, but not broken. I’m starting to pull myself back together a little bit. I’m slowly replacing the things you gave me. That ring was the first thing to go. I couldn’t stand to even look at it because it reminded me of what we had. Later on I gradually stopped wearing the jewelry you got for me. I bought myself a necklace to replace the one you gave me. I’ve even gotten a new wallet. I loved the one you gave me. It was so thoughtful, and it suited me perfectly. But everytime I looked at it, I saw you. That teddy bear is the hardest thing to get rid of right now. I can’t quite let it go just yet. Material objects aren’t the only things that I’m changing. I’m spending more of my spare time with my friend and our goddaughter. And I’m trying to delve deeply into my work.

I tried not making any plans, but you know me. I need something in my mind to hold onto. If I can imagine a possible future then that gives me something to shoot for. I had to rearrange my plans a little. You aren’t a main part of them anymore. It was hard. It was like cutting a main character out of a story. But I think I’ve managed ok. There isn’t a guy in the picture anymore. I’m not sure anyone could fill that space. Here’s a little clip, though: I’m a massage therapist (like I planned before), and I have 3 wonderful children. Without a guy I know that will be difficult, but there are other ways. My mom is a big part of my life. She’s my receptionist at my clinic and my live-in nanny. As payment she receives free room and board in my home, and free massages from time to time, too. We came up with that idea together. My sisters and brothers stop in every now and again for a visit, and Thanksgiving is our big holiday. My home is nice and cozy. It’s 1 or 2 stories and has an enormous back yard. I’d really like a ranch, although I’m teeter-tottering on whether or not that’d be a good idea. It’s a simple life, but a happy one. Very settled down and family oriented.

Not at all like the lifestyle you wanted, I guess. You wanted to travel all over, like the wind. I should’ve seen this coming. Especially since you associated yourself with the wind so much. My element may vary depending on the day, but I’ve always associated myself as a tree. Trees and wind don’t go well together, do they? I still think we could’ve made it work. I tried to come up with solutions to your worries. But, when I bypassed all of the filler (finally) and we got down to what you were really thinking, you just didn’t want a family. I feel terrible because there’s a part of me that wants to be angry with you. I want to resent you for wasting three years of my life, but it wasn’t really a waste. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything else in the world. And I want to be mad at you for not wanting a family like I do, but that isn’t fair to you. I think I’m just looking for a scapegoat. Things would be so much easier if I was mad at you. Or if you were dating someone else.

That’s the other kicker. It sounds terrible, but I wish you would find somebody else. If there was another girl in your life it would smash that little bug of hope buzzing in the back of my mind that whispers “we still have a chance.” Hope is a nice thought, but it really is doing more harm than good. It would kill me inside to see you with another woman, but it would help me heal myself at the same time. I so badly want to say to you “Go find yourself a nice girl, a fellow archeologist, who will travel the world with you.” I wish that I could make that happen.

I try to act like nothing’s wrong. I try so hard to pretend that we’re okay, that I’m happy just being friends. That’s my defense mechanism. When something is really bothering me, I act like it’s no big deal because, if I face it, I’ll just break down bawling. You know how I can’t stand myself when I cry in front of people. I always feel like I should be stronger than that. That’s why I can’t tell you what’s going on in my head right now. I feel like I need to rebuild my world by myself. If I were to let you back in now, I think it would undo everything. I guess that’s the main reason why I don’t hang out with you a whole lot, or make a huge effort to see you. I don’t want to let you too close. I’m not really sure if I’ll let anyone that close again. I don’t think I could handle another collapse. You’d think I’d be stronger than this by now. I’m used to the important guys of my life walking out on me. Not that I’m blaming you, especially since this time I’m the one who opened the door and said “Go ahead and leave. It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. Not by a long shot. But what else could I do? We reached the highest available point of our relationship. It wasn’t going to get any better. It was probably going to get a lot worse if we stayed together anyways. That didn’t make it any easier, though. It still isn’t easy. Sometimes shit just happens.

What’s really sad is that I don’t know if we can come back from this. Even if you change your mind about family, I’m not sure we can get back together. There’ll always be that “you’re just saying what you think I want to hear” doubt in my mind. And what if you are sincere about wanting a family then? We go back to the original plan? You go be an archeologist, and I’ll stay home with the kids and be a massage therapist? I’m not sure I’ll want that. I don’t know if I even want that now. I don’t think I want to be stuck at home waiting for someone the rest of my life. I was okay with it before, but I’m already changing. Maybe it’s because my heart is broken, and if I don’t change I won’t bounce back. That’s what people do, right? They adapt to survive.

I hope you’re doing better than I am. You don’t tend to dwell on things like I do, so that gives me a little comfort. I still love you, and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop loving you. Please don’t hold back on anything because of me. Just go out there and live your life as best you can. Even if that includes finding a good woman to share your life with. Life’s too short to live any way but your own. Do the things you want to do, and have no regrets, okay? I’ll see you around.