Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

Joleon Lescott: The Strange Truth

The Clumpany has just seen a press release which was faxed from a hypothetical PR operation to some of Scotland’s finest journalists. And also to the folk who cover football.

It seeks to draw a line under the curious case of Joleon Lescott, who looked set to sign for Sevco only for the deal to fall through at the last minute for any number of poorly-spun reasons. Headed “Joleon Lescott: The Truth” the press release invites its recipients to disregard all previous communications on the transfer and under no circumstances to engage in any rational thought or questioning on pain of not being in the loop for future Sevco bullsh*t.

It explains that Joleon Lescott was very keen to play for Sevco – indeed he has always been a fan of Ibrox clubs – and was ready to sign the most lucrative deal in his or anyone else’s career. But then his family accidentally superglued themselves to their settee in Manchester in a freak Airfix accident and couldn’t move to Glasgow.

Meanwhile, Lescott himself failed his medical when he dropped his enormous signing-on fee on his right foot, shattering it into a million pieces. Sevco are apparently understandably disappointed about the collapse of the signing and wish Lescott well. But Mark Warburton and the board remain united in their commitment to do ‘whatever it takes’ to take Sevco ‘back’ to the top of Scottish football. Unfortunately, it is not confirmed whether the concept of ‘whatever’ includes spending money rather than spinning yarns.

The fax also addresses stories that Lescott has seemingly miraculously overcome his misfortunes and has signed a two-year deal with AEK Athens, who are based in one of the sunnier suburbs of Manchester. It describes the news as “complete and utter lies to dupe the AEK fans”.

Apparently, the truth of the matter is that Lescott has retired from football and is recuperating in floods of tears in a room filled with posters of Ibrox legends. And his family – who are pining for Glasgow despite never having visited it – are being surgically removed from their settee in an operation which is expected to last several weeks.

The so-called ‘Joleon Lescott’ who is heading for Greece is actually an android manufactured from a shop window dummy and powered by four AAA Duracel batteries. The android is expected to play so slowly that people witnessing his lack of pace might mistake him for Philippe Senderos, WHICH WOULD BE OUTRAGEOUS AS SENDEROS IS STILL SIGNING FOR SEVCO ‘IMMINENTLY’…

I for one am glad that the matter has been resolved with no remaining cause for doubt about Sevco’s financial wherewithal, and whether The Warbmeister is happy with the backing he is receiving from his board.