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First Date Etiquette: What woman really think when you don’t pay

For women there are two important parts of a relationship: the first 3 dates and the wedding day.

Everything else in between is just a waste of mascara.

To put it into perspective, the first three dates for a woman are kind of like your birthday and Steak & Blowjob day rolled into one. Many hours of gossiping, outfit planning and high pitched squealing precede each one.

Then you’re finally out for dinner and three things cross her mind:

1. “He looks sexy…I hope he’s going to pay”

2. “I’m sure he will”

3. “Just in case I better not order the most expensive thing on the menu”.

Then the bill comes.

And for the record, if she doesn’t immediately reach into her bag and fake a small “no let me get it”, she’s probably just there for the free food.

So she reaches into her bag and starts rummaging (giving you a few seconds to protest). Then she pulls out a twenty and smiles sweetly (still waiting for you to protest). You now have one of two possible choices:

1. You say “no babe it’s on me” hoping that she will show her gratitude by letting you feel her up in the car.

2. You reach over, say “thanks babe”, take the twenty and pay the waiter with a wink.

Now, she might still be smiling on the outside, but inside her head, all hell just broke loose. Because according to her, you just decided she isn’t worth the cost of a Spaghetti Carbonara.

With most women, it’s not actually about the money, so if you can’t afford a £20.00 steak take her to Nando’s for a £7 chicken wrap. If you can’t afford a £7 chicken wrap, well then maybe dating isn’t for you.

She’ll never admit it out loud (because, since Kanye West released Gold Digger we’re all scared to let you know that, MONEY MATTERS) but this is what she’s actually thinking:

“What a douche”We can’t help it, in our minds, you’re now either a douche or a cheapskate. Or probably both. You are pretty much on par with the guy who invites us round his house for a “movie” or takes us on a “drive” on a first date.

“Well I’m definitely not putting out now”Because there’s no way we just paid to get into your pants.

“So I guess he’s not the manly type”Rumor has it that some women feel “insulted” or “patronized” when a man insists on paying. These rumors were obviously started by men. No one gives a fuck about feminism any more. We’d rather save our money and spend it on shoes to wear on the next date you take us on.

“Forget about a third date”Too harsh? Okay okay, we might go on another date with you. But at the very least you just dropped from an 8/10 to a low 7.

“Wait till the girls hear about this”Whether you like it or not, you’re probably going to end up with a nickname now. That’s just what us girls do. We bitch about guys over lunch and give them nicknames which will probably stick around longer than he will.

“Dude, dude, remember that guy who made you pay on a first date?” “Who Cheapskate Harry?” “Yeah him! I think I saw him in Topshop the other day!”

I know, I know… it seems so sexist. But the thing is, we don’t care.

Before you begin looking for a second job to fund her expensive eating habits, you should know that you’re only expected to pay for dates one, two and three. On date number four it’s time for her to fork out and your turn to spend your hard earned money on shoes or Xbox games or whatever it is you guys like to splash your cash on, instead.