Time to Retire ‘Redskins’

As a Washington Redskins fan, my season ended several weeks ago. But, like a premature ejaculator at an orgy, I wasn’t about to start relating my play-by-play performance until everyone else in the room is done. Fortunately, I get to enjoy watching better athletes at their peak and first dibs at the orgy buffet table. Unfortunately, those athletes were the 49ers and the Ravens, and this metaphor is officially done.

Classy orgy buffets have a lot of pineapple to improve the flavor and smell of all the semen.

Now that the 2012 NFL season is officially over, fellow Washington fans have a long off-season to fret over RGIII’s knee, especially since the Capitols are spectacularly terrible right now.

But, what if we used this off-season more productively … say to rename one of only two NFL teams that you have to scan the room before you say their name out loud. (The other is the Cardinals, because you never know who the Church has forced to keep quiet about sexual abuse.)

Owner Dan Snyder and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell have argued that shouting the name has a heritage that fans should be proud of, just like KKK has with similar slurs. But even the Klan is trying to reform these days, so why shouldn’t Washington as well?

If it seems daunting, don’t worry. I’ve already come up with a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.

The Washington Monuments

Get it?!?! Washingtonians do love themselves some puns, like the Washington Senators, Capitols and Nationals.

But, seriously, how cool would it be to have these helmets?

The George Washingtons

Why do the Buffalo Bills get to have all the fun with their team name? At least everyone knows who our guy was.

The DC RGIIIs or, conversely, the Washington Griffins

And this way, we get to keep the feather and wear Gryffindor scarves.

Let’s face it: this year, there were just as many shirts sold with Robert Griffin the Third on them as there were with Redskins on them, and that’s only because everybody stopped buying Cooley jerseys.

If Dan Snyder is worried about maintaining his brand’s marketability, he might as well focus on the only reason it’s still worth anything: RGIII. Besides, no matter what he changes the name to, that means everyone will have to buy all new paraphernalia.

Personally, I prefer the Griffins, because they’re the third toughest mythological hybrid animal behind ligers (number 2) and sharktopuses (number 1). Plus, it should bug the hell out of Eagles and Lions fans.