Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Brainwashing

Everyday as a teacher I am faced with the innocence of a child. Today when C labeled our Statue of Liberty figurine "statchoo" or when S told me I can be her mommy at school, I remembered how innocent children really are. Hearing my students debate the reality of Santa Claus, ghosts, how much a polar bear really weighs, I realize that kids believe what is fed to them, whether it be from the media, books, peers, or their parents. What determines which resource they believe? Whichever one is pounded more into their heads.

I remember when I was in about sixth grade, my mom told me about how some girls try to kiss girls, and that this was not okay. Did I believe her? I kissed J six years later. Why did I go against what my mother stated? It was never really discussed in our church, and my mom only mentioned it that one time, I think because I was extremely close to one of my elementary teachers, even up until her death when I was in college. This time with my mother was the only time I ever remember it mentioned in my whole growing up.

My kids are having a TERRIBLE time accepting that I am with a woman. From the way their therapist describes it, it is not so much the idea that I left them, but that I left them to be with a woman sexually, which is totally opposite of the way their dad and I raised them. In their church it is openly discussed. Homosexuality is considered a sin right along with debauchery, promiscuity, etc. I realize that I have contributed to the brainwashing of my children. Somehow, some way, I wish I could shake it out of my kids and tell them, "Wake up! I am who I am. I have fought this harder than anyone. Do you think I really want to be looked down on by my friends and family? Do you really think I CHOSE my sexual orientation? Can't you stop and look at me as a person, rather than as a freak? Can you just for one second tell me that you accept me for who I really am and not for who you think or wish I was?" But the stage has already been set, and I helped set it. I was trying so hard to hide my feelings for J, that I purposely surrendered my children to a belief system that I myself could not uphold. And that is very sad. I think that is worse than anything I could have possibly done for them. I pray to God that somehow I or someone else will come alongside and undo the damage. They are good kids, polite kids. They would never say anything derogatory to someone's face. But I don't want them to believe that they or their beliefs are better than anyone else's. Their dad has told them that I made a choice and it is up to them to accept it. I pray that they will. My biggest fantasy is that one day they will want to meet J, have a friendly relationship with her, and realize how happy I am to finally be with her. I know that if they had met her some other way, they would have really liked her and enjoyed her company. They like many of the same kinds of movies, music, etc.

On a happier note, I spent a few hours with my 15-yr-old last night. Had an expensive dinner (at least for us). She talked and talked all about her life, her joys, her struggles, her future plans. The 18-yr-old actually came out to the car, and I was able to hug her. I told them both how beautiful they were and how much I had missed them and how much I love them. It had been over 2 months since the day I left them sleeping in their beds around 7:oo a.m. Bawling on the way out the front door, I remember telling myself to not look back, that I was doing the right thing. And as hard as it is to admit to myself, I did the right thing, for my husband, my kids, and myself. Now the "secret" is out, and I am living honestly for the first time in my entire life.

2 comments:

wow, this is really intense. I hope as you explain to your kids how you really feel, and how sorry you are for teaching them to disapprove of people who are different, they come to realize how beautiful this world can be when full of diverse, happy, fulfilled people. I wish you and them much healing.