So far so good. I like it. I'll review the other chapters has I read the story.

PKendall317

Arbiter chapter 18 . 11/26/2004

Yo! THis was a fun, funky, emotional story with a bit of pizzaz. However, since you requested it, I will make a comment about your writing. This is a critique on X-Space. Your explanation plainly says that Albert Einstein is a fraud and the theory of relativity false. What is true however is that you are converted into energy if you accelerate to the speed of light. EMC squared, remember! Csquared is the 9*10 to the 16th, of the speed of light squared. Even if they broke into another dimension, they would be energy and never have existed. However, that is all. This story is a great fusion of Halo-esque elements, Evangelion, and a bit of Ender's Game- Good Job!

Hi there! Firstly, I wanted to say thank you for reviewing "Soul Sakura" and for pointing out those discrepancies. I'm working to fix them right now as we speak, though I can't do much with the 18-year-old driver's thing because I kind of need them to be 16. Well, the story takes plaec in the year 2006, so I guess one could assume that things have changed since then, eh? I hope you continue to read my story and enjoy it.
Now, as for your story, I apologize for my taking a while to review it. The problem is, I'm not really into the sci-fi type of thing, so in the beginning, your story had a difficult time trying to catch my interest, not to say you're a bad writer or anything, just that this isn't my preferred genre.
Anyway, about your story in particular . . . I can tell you're trying to create suspense and not reveal too much at the beginning, but I think you kind of lost too much detail. Meaning, I think you could have described more things and made the setting less vague, but I suppose that's YOUR call!
The other thing is . . . You're a good writer and you've got great potential, but to me (and this COULD JUST BE ME), there seems and feels like there's something lacking in your writing style. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I guess an easier way of saying it is that it could be much better with enough time and revision and attention to detail. It just seems kind of "empty" right now. (I hope that doesn't offend you. As a matter of fact, I hope NONE of this offends you. I apologize in advance if it does.)
Your sentence structures aren't bad; they're decent, but at the same time, they could be more complex and maybe you could improve on your diction.
I'm assuming Hotaka is your main character and I hope to feel more relatable to him as time goes on. He seems kind of bland right now, too, but it's only the first chapter, so I'm sure in the later chapters, he'll spring forth to life.
The narration seems kind of awkward, too. For instance, there was this one part where you wrote: "Ask him (Hotaka) how and he couldn't tell you" or something to that effect. It sounded kind of a strange thing to put there, as if the narrator is making commentary. I mean, that's okay and all if the narrator does that, but it feels like it's interrupting the flow of the story. Speaking of the flow, it doesn't seem "smooth" to me, like it's not flowing along very well together. Everything seems kind of disembodied and out of place. My suggestion there is to work on your transitions, like how you switch from scene to scene. I think there should be fluidity there, but I don't quite feel that from this first chapter.
But like I said, it's only the first chapter, so I'm sure it gets better as they go on. Once again, I'm sorry if I offended you. I hope I "constructively criticized" you and please, none of the things I say may be right anyway, so feel free to ignore it and of course, to disagree and disregard it.
Until then, take care and I hope we can continue to exchange reviews on both of our stories.
Love and farewell from the darkness,
SHAMARA AMBROSE

Well, that was a rather different ending. I'm going to read Quarantine soon, but i must commend you on your story.
Hopefully, more about Eve will be discovered next. This is the 4th Blue Eyes Whtie Dragon, signing off.
Ps: Haha, i happened to be the guy who wrote Eden in Heaven quite a while back. It just so happens my account went on the fritz, and i had to start a new one. Wish i had your determination to finish stories, even with a lack of reviews.
Sayonara!

Nice to see that they're back together again. Although...charging in to blow up the station didn't seem very wise. Also, couldn't the Nito bots have just left the Pathfinderto fly faster?
Well, i'm nitpicking. Great job with the cliffy.

YES! It was so sad that they had to split up the crew of the NITO squad, yeah...
Um, isn't atmospheric entry supposed to be as hot as anything? How did they enter the planet without getting burnt up?
Anyway, i hope we'll be getting some specs on space leeches surviving X-Space and the like soon!