Report: Everything Sucks…

(NEW YORK, NY) — A stunning development in the world of sports today, as The New York Times, The Washington Post, The L.A. Times, The Boston Globe, The Detroit Free Press, The Chicago Tribune, The USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Sacramento Bee, The Denver Post, The Sheboygan Press, The Christian Science Monitor, The Kennedy High School Record, that creepy guy who hangs down at the bus station, Larry from Fitzpatrick’s Pub on Oak St., that dude in the office that’s always in the bathroom, your dad, and 3 out of 4 non-brain dead people in America all reported that "everything sucks" in sports today.

"I mean, this just sucks" reported this dude from his couch, "I mean, really. Everything juuuust sucks right now. You got Bonds breaking Aaron’s record, which is a joke. Then you got this Donaghy guy confirming what everyone already knew about the NBA; that it sucks AND is fixed, with that smug turtle Stern giving us the usual crap."

"And then this Vick crap comes out. I mean Jeeeesus, if half of it is true, they gotta neuter his ass. Plus this Tic-Toc, Tu-Puck, or Ms. Pac-Man, whatever the hell his name is, c’mon!" the dude continued. "And don’t even get me started on the NHL and that demented little squirrel Bettman and this two-hand touch league they got going now, huh-ohhh!!"

Amazingly, the only news source in the United States to report anything to the contrary was ESPN.com, which stated everything was "just great."

Actually some douchebag on the subway typing in his Blackberry spoke in defense of everything sucking, citing Federrer’s domination in tennis as a bright spot for sports until someone swiftly hit him over the head with the drunk guy’s bag of unopened soup cans.

Since damn-near everything in sports is on the pacifier, i’ve been forced to watch the MLS to deal with it all, and let me tell you, it’s been good; I like it. I’d like to thank Time-Warner Cable for giving me the MLS Goal! Package for free for bitching about the Soprano’s sucking ass and canceling my HBO.