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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I went to the grocery store after work yesterday just because the one near my office has a HUGE magazine selection. Sure, sure - I suppose I also needed something for dinner, but that was absolutely secondary: what I really wanted was the US Mag "Sexy Stars of Twilight" New Moon Edition. Bad. And in fact, I thought I DID buy it right then! I even took a pic and tried to tweet it saying "SCORE!!!" but Princeton is like the black hole of cell phone service because everyone who lives there has three cellphones but nobody wants a cell tower within eye-shot of their million-dollar mansion. But I digress... Anyway, I had previously chastised people for not buying the Twilight "Sexy Stars," but tonight I sat down to write this post with the intention of telling you how I felt: "Don't waste your money--I did, and I am majorly ticked!!! I spent 1/10 of a Bella dress for that piece of crap, and it totally wasn't worth it. I feel robbed (and not in the good way I'd use that phrase if I was Tweeting Jenny Jerkface after a rough and tumble night of unbridled debauchery with RPatts...).Ummm, but just now- literally - I ran out to Rite-Aid aaaaaaand I was faced with the harsh reality that I had bought the wrong fucking $10 magazine. Fuck me.

What I wanted...

The useless piece of junk that I wasted my money on instead.

I knew when I picked it up that it felt a little light on content, but I was in a rush and was still elated to have it in my greedy little mitts. Despite the fact that the picture on the cover was kinda pretty lame (which makes more sense now - but really - how did they take almost the same picture and make it look like his mom in drag? no offense to Mrs. RPatts, but really???) . I laid it in my cart face down in an effort so save face. No dice.

Better than the cover, but still has no place in my cart...

And as I started to skedaddle from the magazine section, I stopped in my tracks when I came face to face with the tweeny mag section. I may be partial to "my team," but I was a little surprised? creeped out? a touch of both? by the plethora of the teeny-bopper magazines featuring Robert Pattinson on the cover [read: all of them] alongside a lot of little kiddie stars that I don't recognize. He's inevitably the oldest dude in the group. I don't even know who Justin Bieber is, but I looked him up and he's only 15. When I was a tween, I don't think I had the hots for many people in their twenties. I'm gonna go ahead and totally date myself here: Matt Dillon was probably the oldest "older guy" I had the hots for (and he's not THAT much older than me, for the sake of full disclosure). It would appear that like the way women OUR age are making exceptions, the younger set are also stretching the rules a bit to lust after him do whatever it is that 10-year-olds do when they think of hot guys. Think about making out with him? Girls, if you want to borrow my Edward pillowcase to practice smooching, the answer is "no." Sorry. It's taken.

My mortifying moment: I spent fifteen minutes taking pictures of all of these tweener magazines... I think they were about to call the authorities on me.

Tiger Beat? STILL?! Is David Cassidy the centerfold this month??? No? Oh...

Back off, Megan Fox! You are SO wrong on a tweeny mag.

Did I mention that Wegmans is really well-lit? Nice glare, right??? Oh and yes, I AM psychic.

Yeah I want the board game! And YES my friends can depend on me!

I had almost broken free of my spell and moved on, but it wasn't to be...

I admit it: I bought this. [hangs head...]

...and it also didn't offer me a an inconspicuous back cover for my cart.

I saw the mag above and said "Hello! What do we have here?? An all-RPatts magazine? Oh I shouldn't..." And then I started flipping through it and realized that it was probably more useful than the US magazine (or at least the one that I THOUGHT was the US magazine) and there were a couple of pictures I actually wanted to use for the blog. If it's for the blog, well then, I HAVE to buy it, right? I swear that at times like this, I am acting as if I have some sort of expense account associated with the blog or it's a tax write-off if it's blog-related. Which of course isn't the case, but it helps me to rationalize anyway. Just don't tell Mr. Snarky that I spent thirty bucks on Twilight magazines tonight, OK? It'll be our little secret...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

So I was doing my usual morning blog-surf and found myself over at TwiCrack Addict earlier today... Lorabell had just posted a preview of some of the New Moon merchandise coming to a Hot Topic near you (or your computer) on October 1st. The New Moon Edward doll - AKA "The Edwinator" - or maybe "Guidoward" - is already available {{{shudder}}}.

Bella! Bellllllaaaaa!!! Come with me if you want to live go to Seaside Heights.

Anyway, and MUCH more importantly - there was something else included in the 10/1 offerings: "The Dress." You know the one - the one that Bella wears to her birthday party at the Cullens in New Moon?? THAT one. And I want it. Badly. It's a beautiful green party dress with black velvet? flocked? floral details, totally cute and quite possibly suitable for someone over the age of fourteen to wear! I mean, I KNOW--it's SO convenient for me that Hot Topic has finally seen the light and expanded their target demographic, right?! It's about time they started carrying stuff for the non-tween set, right? Right???

It would appear that there may be more than one version of the dress -

This one - which I think is "on tour" with other custom-made clothes from the set...

Show again here on the outer pics... But the inner pic - the dress that Bella is actually shown wearing - is a little different, no? Here's another pic -

Still nice, but slightly different...

Ok, I am not trying to ignite a "The Volvo is WHAT color?!"-level brouhaha here, but they're not quite the same dress. I kind of like the one Bella is not shown wearing, but I'll take either! My hair is red at the moment and I think I'll look pretty spiffy in this little number, if I don't say so myself! And I won't be wearing Vans/sneakers with it, either. I'm thinking a little something like this instead...

I know that I am getting my hopes up too high for this dress... I am going to go barreling over to Hot Topic on Thursday morning (I see "lunchtime" occurring at about 10:15 that day) only to find that they are cheap and Halloween-costume-y looking, and also only come in odd-numbered sized (an irrefutable sign that you are shopping in the wrong store or the wrong section of the store if you are out of high school). I might even need to take Jenny Jerkface with me, because I foresee there being the possibility of my getting hopelessly stuck in said cute green dress in the merciless fitting room at Hot Topic, and I might need her to help wrestle me out of that thing (she's been there - she knows a thing or two about dresses that get a strangle-hold on you and try to asphyxiate your dignity).

In an effort to maybe avoid the humbling experience that is the HT dressing room with the overhead fluorescent lighting, I may order this online. If I'm going to take my chances, I might actually order it from the custom costume store I found - it's cheaper ($79 as opposed to $98) and is made from silk (no clue what the fabric content will be on the HT dress but I am guessing something highly flammable and at best silky-esque. Um, like polyester...). They have a bunch of other made-to-order Twilight and New Moon knock-off garments, there, too! Sized from XS to XXXL - you know that HT will have maybe one XL for the person who dares to weigh more than 125 lbs (on a fat day). The custom costume store? Order the dress from them, and they have a box where you select your gender - they want to know if the person they are making the dress for is male or female (it says "VERY IMPORTANT!" next to this box, by the way). Looks a liiiittle..."off" though... Somehow this fabric is more "drapes" than "dress," among other issues -

But one way or another, it will be mine. And you know what? I don't care that it's a dress meant for people half my age. Give or take a few years. I don't care that anyone who knows enough to recognize it will probably be pointing a bony tweeny finger at me and snickering from behind their parent's back. I want it! And because my birthday is in October and I am a big fan of pulling the "It's my birthday month!!!" card as often as semi-allowable, it will be mine. One way or another. Oh yes...

Monday, September 28, 2009

So, the other day I was sitting on the toilet, idly playing Fuck Marry Kill in my head with the whole Twilight cast (I think I ended up fucking all of them, to be honest) when I realized something (besides the fact that I really, really need to get a life).

I feel strangely... empty since the New Moon trailer came out a few weeks ago. I've already watched it to the point where Jacob grabbing Bella and says "He left you Bella. He didn't want you anymore." is permanently ingrained in my brain and it's left me with wanting something more.

Like, the whole fucking movie. Oh yeah, and I kind of want to lick Taycob's face in the scene, too. I can't help it.

I want the big guns, the mack daddy to arrive. I want the damn New Moon movie to get here already. 52 days... We can do it... So close but yet so far!

Gah!!!! WHY is November SO far away??!!!!!!

Patience may be a virtue but I prefer vice, what can I say. I have my Twitarded shirt ready, my flask filled and my Doc Martens polished. All I need is the movie to show up in the theater where I have tickets. How hard is that? OK, fine, so Snarkier Than You already kind of botched things there by purchasing our tickets at the wrong movie theater, but we're beyond that little mishap now. I mean, it's not like I want the Earth to stop turning on it's axis (though that would be interesting and probably totally fucking catastrophic). I'm just tired of waiting.

Seriously, I have the patience of a two year old on a coke binge [er, or something like that]. I go INSANE when I travel outside of the tri-state area because (and I love all of you, I swear) but holy-mother-shit is the rest of this country sloooooow. Then again, you guys probably won't succumb to a stress-related heart attack like the one I'm headed for... and ooooooh, LOOKIE!!! Motivational posters!!!

Believe it or not, I actually had more to bitch about but then I found these and figured you'd like them better than my wah-wah-my-vagina-hurts-when's-New-Moon-coming-already word vomit.

But I waaaaaant it!!!

...and more [ahem] "mature" ex-punkers and their moms...

(this poster actually explains the nexus of our Twilight obsession)

Hands down - my favorite

Well, maybe this one is my favorite...

Buhwawawa!!! 'Nuff said.

And just because I crack up every time I see it...

P.S. - This multiple-personality-cluster-fuck of a post is a result of my current situation, which hovers somewhere between"you bought a house and are supposed to close in two days/no, wait, maybe Friday/nope, can't close this week, maybe next week/the township won't give us a certificate of occupancy until we REPLACE THE FUCKING SIDEWALK?!/Oh, when you said 'roof repairs' you meant 'you need to replace the whole fucking roof'?/When are we closing again?/Are we closing? Ever? In this lifetime?"

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Question du jour: how far are you willing to go with New Moon and Eclipse? Are you a chaste, born-again TwiVirgin who isn't willing to watch ANY of footage from the upcoming films, officially-released or no, or are you a dirty whore "I want it all" kinda gal who will watch any and all available content be it on-set clips, stalkerazzi pics, or trailer mash-ups? Or maybe somewhere in between???

Some of you have noticed that here at Twitarded, we're a little...weird when it comes to what we're watching and what kinds of "spoilers" we're posting about the New Moon and Eclipse films. Randomly selective? Just outright unpredictable? Well, like most things we do, our choices here are based on a random combination of instant gratification and laziness. Truth be told, we haven't really figured out exactly where we stand on the whole spoilers thing, or how much we want to watch - or avoid watching - to ensure our utmost enjoyment both throughout the interminable days between now and premier night and on "The BIG DAY" itself.

With Twilight, it was easy for us. We had just finished the books - for the first time! - when the frenzy around the movie started to escape the blogosphere and hit magazines and other media outlets [er, or at least I am assuming - I wasn't aware of its existence at the time]. "Entertainment Weekly" was just starting their months-long love-affair with the film and the actors. Once it was out, we watched the official trailer over at the official Twilight website until our eyes bled and we could match the eerie opening music note for note and mouth the words throughout the whole thing "My family...we are not like others of our kind..." At the time, we had NO CLUE that if we'd looked around a little bit online, we'd have been able to find all sorts of on-set pics and spoilers. We were blissfully unaware.

Stuff I am glad I missed from the set of Twilight... [pre-The Treaty-sequence, I reckon]

Fast-forward to the filming of New Moon. At first, I was totally psyched that we were getting some new pics and info from the set! WHOOO!!! And then, something happened... It was New Moon overload! All we wanted was a little teaser - you know, a picture here, an update there, maybe the promise of a trailer - would that be asking too much??? Instead, we realized that you could practically paste the entire movie together with all the stills that are out there. It's like closing your eyes and leaning in for a kiss and then BAM! the next thing you know you have a dick in your mouth.

Don't get me wrong: I. Can't. WAIT!!! for New Moon to come out... But I've only watched the trailers, and haven't actively sought out other footage. I haven't went nuts with trying to avoid it; back when I realized the extent of the day-to-day on-set info that was available online and tried to shelter myself, I realized I was fighting a losing battle. Particularly for a Twilight blogger who follows a gazillion other Twilight bloggers. The day that that they filmed the "reunion" scene, I practically had to lock myself into a sensory deprivation tank to escape the melee. It was EVERYWHERE. I thought I could avoid it, but for fuck's sake, it was around every corner!! Any link that was sent to me brought me face-to-SQEEE! with Robward's chiseled (and possibly airbrushed but who cares) abs and naked torso/hips/happy-trail-to-THERE.

STY you little slut, you weren't looking at my happy trail, were you???

There was simply no avoiding it. I literally was catching up on news on the blogs I follow with one hand physically blocking the monitor, and even that wasn't foolproof - it was like the images burned through my hands... I was getting frustrated and Jenny Jerkface told me to get a grip and get over it already. Which I did. But I still don't watch the on-set footage when I can help it. But the trailers??? Bring it on! I'm a Twilight Just-the-Tipper. I just want a little bit. Just to see how it feels...

Well, technically it's Sunday afternoon here on the East Coast, but it still feels like morning because I was a dirty stay-out last night and consequently slept away a good chunk of the day already. But I like lazing around and watching delish Robert Pattinson videos on lazy Sundays like today...

I found this self-proclaimed "Fingerporn" vid and as I started watching it my thought process went something like this: "Wow that's really cool...he does have amazing-looking hands...hmmm...reeeeaaaaally nice hands...I'll bet he could so some really bad things with those hands...he sure could play me the piano with those hands...er, ok, this is a lot of finger-porn...is this fetish-y?...should I turn it off???...is this weird???...oh who am I kidding - I don't care I can't turn away from this video...mmmm...finger-porn..."

Enjoy!

Since I'm not really following along with the on-set content that's everywhere lately (more on that some other time), I've been getting a little antsy and am jonesing for something - anything - that's new and can distract me a tad in the interim between now and November 20th... That said, this isn't new. BUT, I haven't seen it, maybe you haven't either, and it's really cute stuff - RPatts early on in the Twilight promo tour! There are a few more snippets over on YouTube if you want to check it out... These are all really short & sweet(like JJ! heh-heh)! He mentions in the first one that this is his very first time on the radio/in a radio studio (I also love that he backs into the wall hanging behind him and jumps and gives it the stink-eye like it just tried to attack him or something). Oh what a difference a year makes! I hope we get some cute, adokable RPatts when he's out promoting New Moon, but times sure have changed and I'm not going to hold my breath! He's certainly not "that guy who got killed in Harry Potter who's out promoting some new movie" anymore, ya' know?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Jenny Jerkface and I are going to be off doing not-Twi-related stuff tonight, believe it or not (like the rest of the Twidom, apparently), but we wanted to check in and pass along some funny that we came across yesterday! Please talk amongst yourselves in the comments (we love that!) and we'll be sure to catch up tomorrow... Although we can't promise we won't be a tad hungover, as we're heading to our fave local dive bar where Mr. Snarky is gonna rock out with his cock out [um, not literally - probably - I just like saying that...].

Our buds VitaminR70 (who is like a Twiblogger without a blog) and Latchkey Wife (who as you know is a blogger WITH a blog and a very funny one at that) have been busy combining forces and possibly gearing up for a "NO! Robward's MINE!" epic girl-fight smack-down that I have agreed (unbeknownst to them) to referee provided I get to sell the dvd rights as I see fit and decide on whether the pit they meet in will be filled with mud, blood-red jello, or creeeeeaammmy custard. Um, you guys are still with me on this, right??? VitaminR? Latchkey??? Anyone???

RPatts & VitaminR70 head off for a stealth date...

Er, well, permission is over-rated anyway. I'm sure they'll be fine with it. Really! But you should go read the whole sordid story (and get a few snortles over VitaminR70's FaceInHole prowess) over at Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife (but don't forget to come back!).

Anyway, when I think of Vitamin R (the beer not the bloggy friend), I think of Charlie Swan, natch. So it was fitting that I also happened across this great tribute to Charlie over at "The Cougar's Den" on YouTube, where Momma Cougar & the Lil' Cougar talk about their favorite Charlie lines from the saga...

These ladies crack me up!

I lost it when I saw the porn-star 'staches (and the rifle!) and for some reason it absolutely slays me (and JJ, too) that there is apparently someone riding a lawnmower the size of a Hummer just off camera and you can barely hear over the din. The lawn's gotta get mowed, damn it! Whoever the offending mower is, I think they should have been felled by the occasional glares being shot in their general direction...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Originally I had some kind of witty little prologue/beginning/what-have-you to this post but fuck it. Let's just cut to the chase. I will admit that maybe I'm doing this because I have something to say that some of you might not like and I figure if I confess this quickly enough you won't put a bounty on my head. I call it the Band-Aid Theory. You know, rip that bitch off quick and it doesn't hurt as much. Er, something like that. Fuck, this is taking longer than I wanted.

Anyway. Here it is...

I was wrong about something. Shocking! I know!

I used to think Robert Pattinson was a terrible musician.

Oooh, Jenny Jerkface, she broke my heart... she thought my music was no better than a fart...

There. I said it. Hello? Helloooooo? Where did everyone go? Did Snarkier Than You's biggest fear that I will drive all of our readers away just come true? [note from STY: "I fucking knew it!!! You testicle wanker! Snot munch! 'Gina chunk!!!" this rant brought to you by "Creative Cursing"]

And my confession gets worse. I condemned poor, sexy, sultry RPattz's music after listening to only one song, that song being Never Think from the Twilight soundtrack. That's right, RPattz was written off my 'good musician' list after just one song [this has not stopped me from lusting after him like a fucking hound to a steak, just for the record]. Hey, I don't call myself Jerkface because I'm reasonable, ya know?

One of my first posts was a rant about the Twilight soundtrack and I expressed my views on his music there:

Rob Pattinson - Is this song gonna do something? Let's put it this way, if RPatt was strumming this song on a subway platform I might give him a quarter. But probably not.

Rob - Listen, you did an acceptable job as Edward. And you're good looking, even though I feel kind of dirty admitting that since I'm, oh, ten years older than you, give or take a few years. But with age comes wisdom and I'd like to impart some on you - focus on one career or the other because you're not good enough at acting or singing to do both.

Yup. I'm a jerk. A big flaming pile of poo. Oh well. I yam what I yam.

When I draw a conclusion about someone or something I am like judge, jury and executioner all wrapped up in one and if you're condemned, you're fucking straight up screwed. There is no mistrial or parole hearing. If I think you suck, you suck and that's that.

Until today, that is.

I was sitting in my dreadful little cube at work, drudging away at spreadsheets and budgets and idly listening to my iPod when Robert Pattinson's Never Think song comes on. Out of habit, I reach over to skip it but... something stops me. I keep listening.

And holy shit, I like it. It's so haunting and sad and lovely all at the same time. It's so emotional and raw that I actually start to feel sappy and that's definitely NOT me. I don't do sappy.

I shoot STY an email:

To: SnarkierThanYouFrom: Jenny JerkfaceSubject: Huh

Dude, just listened to RPattz song. I think it's really good. Crap.

I hate when I prove myself wrong. It's like punching myself in the tit. Sucks.

Naturally, when I finally shuffle up to Planet Earth every once in awhile and discover something a gazillion years after you all have, I feel the urge to share. Just in case there is some other Twitard out there, wandering lost and alone, without the haunting melodies of Robert Pattinson.

This just makes me want to hump his leg even more, by the way. A lot more. I don't think he's human anymore - I keep waiting for John Connor to show up at my doorstep and tell me he has a message from me. From the future.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

There's been talk forever in the Twidom about the possibility of Robert Pattinson hosting Saturday Night Live. Petitions have been circulated (granted only 5,000 people signed it over the last year, but still), people have begged, and yet Lorne Michaels has yet to relent. Last year, I think it was just too late by the time it became abundantly clear what a hot commodity Robward had become to do anything about it. Fair enough. THIS year, however, it's not too late and I really really REALLY want it to happen. I think. Maybe.

Let me explain my trepidation...

There is potential for Robert Pattinson hosting SNL to be an amazingly good thing. There are people who I have been iffy on/disliked for no real reason who I came to love after seeing them on SNL. Justin Timberlake, I'm lookin' at you. I thought you were a total twat until the first time I saw you hosting SNL. Can you blame me? I'd caught snippets of you & Brit-Brit on whatever that train-wreck of a "reality" show you two did back in the day [belated note from STY - I stand corrected - it wasn't JT - I guess I blocked it out too well - thanks Abigail for the correction!] - it was so bad I've blocked it from my memory. But then you hosted SNL... And danced around on their holiday special in a huge Cup-O-Soup costume. And then... there was "Dick in a Box." Even before he took on "Single Ladies" [which just isn't available and I probably infected my computer with who knows what looking for it as I was inadvertently led to Russian gay-porn sites], there was Dick in a Box. I am CERTAIN that you've all seen this, but I can't help myself from reposting it here. I am certain that a number of aghast and/or lucky ladies have had their S/Os mimic this "gift" [ahem] in the years since. For better or for worse...

And here's the original won-me-over piece, "Cup O Soup" - and frankly, when a dude puts on white tights, Bozo-sized shoes, and a Cup-O-Soup costume and WORKS IT, well, what's not to love?

I'm also posting these videos for JJ, who has seriously had her head shoved up her own ass for the last...30 years. [even more so than since she discovered Twilight] because who. the. fuck. doesn't. watch. SNL??? Ever. My bloggy partner. That's who. Good think she's so cute.

Moving on...

Peyton Manning also won me over on SNL, big-time - I don't even know what team he plays for and I don't care, so don't go getting all crazy on me with your sports allegiances, OK? He's fucking funny and not afraid to push the envelope. The audio is iffy on this vid, but you can appreciate it anyway -

There is all sorts of potential for amazing sketches with RPatts. And we know that he can do funny. "How To Be" was pretty entertaining, and I didn't have the highest of expectations (sorry).

Robward can be funny. Mini-Edward can also be funny! [Thanks BarnesPEdward!]

Honestly, if RPatts spent 90 minutes on the stage of SNL and just stared directly into the camera making smoldering kissy faces, I would be ok with it. More than ok. Best. SNL. Ever. But since that's probably not going to happen, here are some things I'd like to see:

Robert Pattinson in "The Cougar Den" - [preferably with me in his lap, ahem] for obvious reasons [ahem]. It would appear that SNL (or their lawyers) are real bitches about having their clips posted on YouTube, so instead of a swell clip from their SNL's "Cougar Den," I present you with some chicks on YouTube who CALL themselves "The Cougar's Den" (ladies, we ARE your people here at Twitarded!!!) as they watch the NM trailer at the VMAs. LOVE that someone off-camera is manning the remote. And that they hold hands and are glued to the screen! Watching them watching the trailer for the first time totally gave me the chills all over again. In a good way!

Honestly, I am also totally down with there being a skit that rakes Twilight over the coals. Go for it - taunt The Precious. Poke it with a stick. 'Cause it'll be fucking funny and I can take a joke. I hope they have him running through the streets in his black Nikes, plaid shirt streaming out behind him, with a hoard of hormone-addled girls and their moms chasing after him. It should be like the running of the bulls, only with RPatts being chased... Um, or something like that...

Anyway, I say BRING IT! Let's do it [heh-heh]!

P.S. Letters to Rob's "Really!?! Robert Pattinson w/ UC & Moon" post expressed a similar level of..."I want this but only if it doesn't give people more ammunition to make fun of my Twilight obsession"-ness (and btw I don't know who does their graphics but I would love to hold them hostage avail myself of their services sometime because I am SO inept in that department...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I may have totally stolen that line from Twilight Widower but it still applies to how I feel right now.

Once again, STY has posted yet anotheruber smexy, panty-wetting, mind-blowing videos of ours truly, Robert Pattinson. Normally, I just sit there, stupefied, and drool over how amazingly good looking that man is. His hotness usually sends my brain cells into some sort of Lemming-ish frenzy, rendering any sort of coherent thought useless.

Except today.

I'm blaming it on the cold meds but this is the first time I actually, really tried to imagine myself boning Robert Pattinson. For some reason this concept has been an abstract one for me, mainly because I have a better chance of discovering Atlantis while walking home from STY's one night than I do of hopping into RPattz's pants.

Who the hell is that creepy short chick? Why is she following me? Ewww.

As usual, should this rare, hypothetical event ever take place, it will most definitely turn out very badly for me. It would likely be a very short evening and not because of RPattz's supposed stamina. No, it will be a short evening because:

1) I'll take off my clothes and start clambering after him like Gollum after the Precious and RPattz will shriek in horror and curl up in the bathroom, all Crying Game-esque.

C'mere RPattz, Jenny Jerkface wants to give you some loving!!!

2) Inevitably I'm going to look down (or up, or sideways or wherever) at some point and realize, with a good deal of chagrin and mortification, that my not-so-sexy belly is smothering his rock hard abs. Seriously, it's going to look like the fucking blob swallowing RPattz's nether regions. I am banking on the fact that I would have enough pride to either flee the scene (fully clothed, natch) or possibly blindfold RPattz, in which case the evening may last longer than 12 seconds.

RPatzz - You didn't tell me you where pregnantJJ - I'm not... Hey! Where are you going?!

3) Or, I'm going to be so nervous that I'm bedding RPattz that I will, well, go back to this post and just apply all to this situation, too. Except that I will be naked. I can only hope he'll be gracious enough to let me put my panties on before he kicks my ass out the door in disgust.

One other option I can completely picture myself doing, because I'm a total asshole, is calling up STY or sneakily trying to text her.

Me - [texting] OMG, I'm doing RPattz!!STY - Are you drunk again? Where are you?Me - In some hotel. DOING RPATTZ!!STY - WTF are you talking about?[me, sighing heavily and dialing phone]STY - [answering] WTF kind of drugs are you on?Me - [whispering] dude, I'm humping RPattz.STY - Are you for real?!Me - [Squeals, then covers it up with a moan] Yes!!!STY - Is he passed out drunk? Unconscious?Me - Pthhhp. That's not important. What is is that I am getting all crazy carnal with RPattz!!!***

Er, yeah. Definitely not a good idea because, let's face it, the only reason RPattz would ever tap my stumpy ass is if he was paid a HUGE amount of cash (and this is even doubtful) or he was unconscious, which brings up all sorts of legal issues I'd rather not deal with. Amnesia, however, is always a possibility...

Note from STY - sorry, people - I wasn't taking JJ's "delicate condition" (or whatever state is it is that you achieve after subsisting on nothing but Nyquil for more than 72 hours) into consideration when I posted that video... Selfish of me, I know... Headed to her place now to make sure she doesn't have FSE in any compromising positions...

*** If you actually think I would take advantage of an unconscious RPattz, you're a twat. Get a sense of humor. End of discussion.

So it's been kind of a crappy day, work sucks and I haven't seen Jenny Jerkface in days because I don't want whatever cooties she has that put her out of commission for three or four days running (she's currently trying to use the "I'm not contagious" card, but forgive me if I don't trust my friends when they all start talking like the have advanced medical degrees). This is making me crabby! We got the package with our "Bella Bracelets" in the mail DAYS ago but we're total dorks and have to open everything together so here I am waiting like a schmuck until she feels better [feel better, JJ!! I heart you!] And really - this whole week? It's enough already. I am DONE with you, stinky work-week! And it's only Wednesday??? Really?! WTF?! SCREECH!!!

[taking a deep breath; possibly imbibing alcoholic beverages]

Fine - I've got something that never fails to cheer me up, brighten my day, and helps me to forget about all the bullshit out there... RPatts videos on YouTube!! Oh YouTube, how I love you... Not in the lusty I'll-never-make-good-on-any-of-this-but-I-hope-I'm-not-embarrassing-Mr. Snarky-too-much way that I lurv RPatts, but a LOT. Because you feed my obsession like no other.

Found an awesome new [?] video! I'm not going to bother with a wordy intro--I can summarize it with: Robalicious! [aaaaaand STY heads to her happy place in 3...2...1...]

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I think it goes without saying that both Snarkier Than You and I are pretty huge music fans. One of our very first posts was a critique of the Twilight Soundtrack, and Mini Edward has been a great partner in my music festival travels.

As the artist list for the NMS (I'm sick and lazy today so we're going to abbreviate) grew, so did our interest in it. At first it was like, 'oh yay, Thom Yorke - or Radiohead - is going to be on the Soundtrack' but now that the list is finally released, I'm pretty excited [note from STY: I was pretty interested from the get-go - I love Radiohead and Thom Yorke!]. Mainly because there is no Linkin' Park on it. Sorry, LP fans but I can't help myself. I hate them.

Originally, STY and I were going to do a breakdown of all the artists and throw in our two cents (something we just LOVE to do) but then STY discovered that Letters to Twilight had beaten us to the punch. And frankly, their breakdown of the New Moon soundtrack is way better than ours ever could be and those girls really, really know their music.

Plus UC & Moon found this hysterical picture of ThomYorkward in full "SpiderMonkey" mode over at Rolling Stone. Whoever put this together deserves some sort of photoshop award, imho -

I do have a couple of things to say about this soundtrack, besides as a whole it sounds awesome. I mean, c'mon, it has Thom Yorke. Helloooooo, Thom Yorke does to music what RPattz does to your vagina. Or what we all wish he would, at least. Grizzly Bear, Bon Iver, Ok Go, Death Cab - it's just an awesome lineup.

Oh, and one more thing. If you haven't heard Bon Iver's album For Emma, Forever Ago, you need to do so immediately. It's beautiful [I think Moon and UC would agree with me on that one].

We know you're probably all over it by now and have pre-ordered from at least three places by now, but here' s the official listing anyway -

I am THRILLED with this soundtrack!!! I don't know all of the bands, but I adore the ones I know and am really looking forward to listening to it when it's released and getting familiar with the others. I tend to get into ruts with music, so once this comes out, I will listen to it non-stop for quite some time. I did the same thing with the soundtrack to Twilight, and I didn't even adore most of the bands on it all that much. Don't get me wrong - I listen to it a LOT. And enjoy it! But I listen to it a lot because it's part of Twilight. It's "love by association," if you will... I realized this a while ago when I was trying - and failing miserably - to explain to Mr. Snarky that I hadn't suddenly become Paramore's #1 fan and that I loved their song's association to the movie most of all. If that makes sense (er, I don't think it did to Mr. Sanrky, but you all might get it). So I probably would have liked/tolerated/listened to just about any soundtrack they'd created, but THIS one really ups the ante and includes some fantastic acts that are sure to deliver the goods. And we try to be reasonably diplomatic here at Twitarded (believe it or not! it's true!) but I am heaving a tremendous sigh of relief that nobody who was ever on American Idol is included. If Justin whatever-the-hell-his-name-is had weaseled his way onto this soundtrack, I would have had a full-on hold-my-breath-'til-I-turn-blue, toddler-worthy tantrum. And I'm not even that much of an indie rock snob.

Once again, I have to say thank you, Chris Weitz (and everyone else who picked the tracks)!!!

P.S. Jenny Jerkface asked me earlier when my birthday is, since she knows it's soon-ish and wants to know if I am having a party what to get me. Turns out the NM soundtrack is being released on my b-day! YAY ME!!! I have the feeling I know what music will be playing at my party. Over and over again and nobody can even give me shit for it - wheeee! Can't WAIT!

[P.P.S. from JJ: Actually, I already pre-ordered that Twilight porno for you... I thought that was what you would want???]

Monday, September 21, 2009

You all know I love and adore the Twilight saga. But, like many of you, I have a few issues. Most of them involve one book in particular...

I can't help myself. Every single time I read this book I want to punch a puppy in the face. Of course, this doesn't stop me from re-reading it... Maybe I need to explore my issues with puppies? Moving on...

Oh, yeah, and before I forget - MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven't read the book.

Why I hate Breaking Dawn:

1) The wedding thing - Snarkier Than You has already covered this and I heart her for it. Bella, you whiny bitch, suck it, marry the hottest vamp on earth [FOR FREE, I might add] and get over it.

2) Isle Esme - Let's face it - you all are pissed off at this, too. Okay, so we have a few bruises, some shredded pillows and a broken headboard, and then the next thing you know Bella is all tired and shizz and has a craving for eggs.

B-O-R-I-N-G.

What the fuck, Stephenie Meyer? You had no problem making Edward gnaw the spawn out of Bella's belly but you couldn't even throw us a bone(r)? Seriously? How about a little titty play? Cunnilingus? I mean, c'mon, we all slogged through three books holding out hope that eventually they'd just get down and dirty and do it already. The honeymoon scene was the fictional equivalent of whiskey dick. Lots of build up and fun, but no play when everything is said and done.

3) The pregnancy - this has previously been covered here. Oh, and since we're on the preggers topic... Renesmee is one of the most annoying names ever invented and god help the person I run into ten years from now who has a daughter named Renesmee. Just sayin'...

Oh Edward, I want you to chew the baby out of me but I won't suck your dick... [I've always thought this was a cool manip, but what's with the man-hands?]

4) Imprinting - Okay, nothing makes me more disgusted/enraged/perplexed/grossed out then this whole imprinting thing. SM can explain it all she wants--it still smacks of kiddie diddling to me.

I've been re-reading the whole part where Jacob meets up with Quil and "Claire-bear" [gag me with a dirty, rusty, diseased-infected spoon]. You know the passage, where Claire is all 'baby-talk' ["Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaaawl day", pg. 152] and Quil is all loving it because he loves her and...

fucking ew. [note from STY - I also just re-read that part recently, and that baby-talk shit is probably my least favorite thing in the entire 2500 pages-ish of the whole saga. Double ew.]

This is a toddler, for crying out loud. I don't care how 'pure' and 'innocent' Quil's love for Claire-bear is [shivers in horror] - he still intends to do dirty things to her one day. And he knows it, even if she doesn't yet.

It's just gross.

I get that Stephenie Meyers had to set the stage for Jacob imprinting on Renesmee, but still... The first time we read the books - I read them first and then started STY on the road to addiction 'cause I'm a good friend like that - she called me when she was part-way through Breaking Dawn. And she was livid! "Bella's baby is not going to be a boy, it's going to be a girl and fucking Jacob is going to fucking imprint on her, isn't he?! ISN'T HEEEE?!? FUUUUCK!"

And that bitch was right, as usual.

The imprinting thing makes me fucking nuts. I mean, think about it. Quil is a 17 year old boy who is in love with a three-year-old. Have any of you ever watched Law & Order Special Victims Unit? That's all I'm saying...

Forget New York City. They need SVU at the La Push Reservation. Pedophilia is running rampant...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

If you haven't gathered from the title, I'm going to be talking about sex and Twilight. And it's probably not going to be pretty. You've been warned {cough} Mommy[not a]Jerkface{cough}.

TwiCrackAddict mentioned this a couple of weeks ago and it's been all over the Twidom since, but I haven't been able to do a little, ahem, 'research' until now.

Normally when I'm on the computer I will inevitably run into something porn-based in my travels. I could fucking google "how to wash silk" and I'll still get links to "slutty housewives wash silk" or some shit like that. And Google Image search? Doesn't matter what I'm looking for, by the second or third page of results, I'm looking at a penis or tits.

Therefore, I figured it would be really easy to search specifically for pornography. I mean, I figured my search results would be the computer equivalent of a gangbang.

I was wrong. Ironically, the first link to show up was the Examiner, which is proof that A) Twilight is fucking REALLY popular and B) the fans are bunch of perverts. After all, a website moves up in the Google search by popularity.

It took me forever to try and find the stupid Twilight Porn parody. I even went to the website of Devil's Films, who is supposed to be producing this hot mess but nothing. I sat there, scrolling past Butt Fuck Fatties, Anal Team Tryouts, and Your Mom's Hairy Pussy. I gave up immediately after that one.

I will say right now that I have every intention of watching these movies (the Twilight ones!! Not the 'Your Mom's Hairy Pussy'!!). Now, while I devour written Twismut like it's the only thing keeping me alive, I have to say that I'm not particularly interested in the visual smut.

Let's face it - having sex is not sexy. Or at least it doesn't look sexy. It actually looks kind of moronic to me, if I want to be honest. I mean, it's just two people grunting and moaning and kind of mashing into each other, ya know (and yes, I over analyze everything)? I know for a fact that I would probably never do the nasty again if I saw myself on a video in the act. I can only imagine how disturbing my O face is.

Secondly, porn movies are fucking hokey. There is never a plot (duh) and the male actors seem to always exude some kind of unsettling Creep Factor. Double that if the dude has a moustache.

The last time I sat down and watched a porn the only reason I ended up on my back was because I fell off the couch laughing. Frankly, I'd be tempted to drag STY over and watch the porn together. And then record THAT. Because it'll be better than the frigging film.

The only thing that will stop me from watching this porn is if it costs me more than $50.00 $20.00. I am actually considering calling the local smut shop and seeing if they rent the movies but the germaphobe in me woke up and screamed 'are you fucking insane?! You don't know how many sticky fingers touched that shizz'.

P.S. - The reason there are no pictures in this post is because there was no way in hell I was Google Image searching porn. Not that I'm necessarily adverse to it (though I did dry heave violently when someone played 'Two Girls One Cup' for me) but I don't know how to give my computer penicillin and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of, um, viruses out there.

I can't believe I somehow hadn't watched this until now... I called Jenny Jerkface and she said she watched it. Twice. Days ago. Well, it just goes to show you what a ridiculously busy week I had because I saw all sorts of twittering and tweeting about the "extended" six-minute mash-up of the New Moon Trailer and I didn't drop everything I was doing at the time so that I could go and watch it. It is entirely possible that you and everyone you know have already seen this - likely, even! - but it is amazingly good, it actually made me cry, and if even one person missed it, I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.

Thanks, Melp and Stacy, for enlightening me! I may be late in getting through email, but it's sure worth it to catch up!

Personally, I can't get enough of the part where he says "You can go to hell." And it looks like I am not alone... He looks so scary and fierce here - loves it!!!

It's Sunday morning and I think we should all pause and take a moment to be thankful for stuff. Stuff like Twilight, Robert Pattinson, YouTube, and people who know how to make amazing videos and photo manips. 'Nuff said. Now I gotta get back to watching these vids and thinking very-inappropriate-for-a-Sunday-morning things... Enjoy!

Friday, September 18, 2009

I know, I know - it's Friday, you've just survived another week, and you're ready to get your weekend groove on... NOT SO FAST! We're calling to order the first-ever Twitarded Operations meeting and we'll need your attention. Hold on, stay with me now! Unlike your uptight boss who could probably shit a diamond, his/her sphincter is so clenched, we don't care if you're sober at our meeting - hell, drinking is encouraged! It IS the weekend, after all, so go and pour yourself an adult beverage of your choice and c'mon back. We'll wait... Really... It won't be bad! Promise! This will be the most funnest ops meeting EVER and cursing will be encouraged rather than frowned upon, so you in the back pretending to be paying attention but really reading fanfic on your cellphone - stop giving us the stink-eye and settle down!

[ahem]

Good people [consults "Creative Cursing" book] pecker junkies of the non-tween Twidom, we've called this meeting because, well, Twitarded is kind of a collective effort and there's stuff we want you to know (believe it or not, we haven't exhausted our resources of hot air). Sure, sure, Jenny Jerkface and I do the legwork as far as the actual posts go (although sometimes we have your help there, too), but if it wasn't for YOU--our readers--where would we be??? Honestly, JJ and I would still be consumed with Twilight and we'd probably still be lobbing occasional snarky posts at each other, but it's the community that's grown here that really makes me love what we're doing and makes me insanely proud of the mayhem that is Twitarded.

So humor us as we get a few things out there that are meant to inform and hopefully entertain along the way... We stay up at night worrying about random shit--c'mon, you already knew we were bat-shit crazy--and this might even help us to sleep better! Possibly you, too. Or at least we'll all be able to stress about other things... Like how we're going to lure RPatts into our basement and seduce him until he begs us not to stop... But I digress! Where was I? Oh yeah...

In no particular order...

email

We love getting email. You've read the bottom of the blog: We Crave Attention - Contact Us. And you did. We get emails from people telling us their Twilight stories. We get thankful emails from other Twitards who want to let us know how happy they are to have found a home (sometimes we feel like Kevin Costner in "Field of Dreams": we built the Twitarded field and waited...And you came - yay!). We get emial from people who have been inspired to start their own Twilight blogs. We get pictures and stories from our bloggy friends who we've never met in the flesh but whom we've told things about ourselves that we'd never reveal to our non-Twi real-life friends... And we try to reply to everyone. It might just be one of us, but since JJ and I essentially morphed into one inseparable unit many months ago, it's as if we both replied (trust me - I am not exaggerating; it's true and both of us replying would just be redundant).

Er, it also might take us a while to reply. It used to be right away [-ish]... Then it was a few days... And now it might be... longer. Please don't stop emailing us - we love your emails! But we wanted you to know we're not ignoring you if we don't reply right away or--even worse--if something gets lost in the shuffle and we don't reply at all. Didn't hear back from us??? Well then email us again and ask wtf is our problem and why haven't we responded for fuck's sake?! Really. Even if we don't reply right away, we read ALL of your emails and we get all giddy when we see that people are taking the time to contact us.

And just so you don't think we're sitting around in our jammies, forsaking you for fanfic while Mr. Snarky and ML hand-feed us cream-filled Twilight bon-bons, we get several hundred emails a month. And we love each and ever one of them. So keep em' coming and we will try to keep up, but we apologize if we drop the ball sometimes. It's a big ball.

Facebook

Ummmm, we're amongst friends and we can speak freely, right? We suck at it. But we're trying! For those of you who languished in 'friend request' limbo for up to, oh, two weeks or so, don't take it personally. Honest. Facebook to us is about the same as someone coming up to you and saying "do you know where the bathroom is?" in Klingon. We just don't get it. Be that as it may, it is on our 'to do' list of shit we need to learn before the wine finally offs our remaining brain cells.

Followers

We LOVE our followers. We pay attention to our followers. Our egos are linked to the number of followers we have the way an imprinted werewolf is joined to his beloved. When you join us, we are thrilled!! When you leave, we are hurt but figure you have your reasons. Shit happens. But please, get yourself a bloggy pseudonym if need be and follow us. Don't know how to do that??? Want us to create a clever name for you??? Then email us and we'll try to help! But please see "email" section above... All you long-time "Anonymous" readers - we're lookin' at you!

Comments

Our adoration of comments is on par with our love of email and followers. Maybe slightly higher, if that's possible. When we don't get many comments, we assume whatever we wrote sucked ass and nobody loves us anymore. That said, comments are hard to keep up on. We want you to know that we read each and every comment you leave, even if you're been digging through our archives and comment on something we wrote months and months ago. Sadly, we have jobs that occasionally require us to not be on Blogger. We're sure you can relate. We love chiming in when we can! Have you ever heard of the term "Seagull Manager"? It's a manger who comes in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves. Well, sometimes we feel like seagull commenters: we have two free-ish moments at work, we dash to the blog, see what's doin', leave a quick comment, and then get back to the grind. We try to reply to individual comments when we can, but we rarely have all the time for this we'd like... That said, we LOVE when you all comment to each other and go back and forth!! So talk amongst yourselves and comment to your your heart's content! Please, keep those awesome conversations in the comments section going... We know it would be easier if this were a Wordpress blog where you could actually reply to individual comments, but we're stuck with Blogger for now 'cause we hear that making that leap it a total bitch.

In closing...Please welcome Jenny Jerkface, who would like to give the parting remarks... JJ, take it away!

Somewhere along the way there was a very dramatic shift from "the blog Twitarded is important to us" to "the readers of the blog Twitarded are important to us."

I know we've said it before but STY and I started this blog for each other. And then all of you came along and we realized just how fucking awesomer you guys are then us and suddenly Twitarded wasn't about us after all, it's about you. So please, if we don't respond or our comments blow monkey tits, we're sorry.

Oh, and by the way, we totally talk about all of you. In a good way.

STY - Did you read that comment that XXX wrote on XXX post?! The one about dog testicles???

JJ - Ha ha ha ha! Yes! I almost sharted when I read that one it was so funny. Our readers rock!

And when it really comes down to it, if we miss any emails or don't update our Facebook page for a month... It's all Robert Pattinson's fault. With a dash of fanfiction.

Obsessed with Twilight? Think you're too old for this? You've come to the right place!

We are a bunch of over-thirty *cough*andforty*cough* chicks who never really meant to fall in love with Twilight... but somehow we did. Hard. Inexplicably, we've still got a lot to say about it. And other stuff. Join us!