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Millikan Pond to Be Refilled with Student Tears

Also considered: blood, sweat

The California Institute of Technology has announced early this morning that the Millikan Pond, emptied due to the harsh Californian drought, will be gleaming once more within the next month, but this time with liquids from what have been newly designated as ‘walking fountains of despair’.

The administration claims that the refilling of the pond makes sense from a sustainability point of view, noting that while water is a rare and limited resource, tears on campus are relatively ubiquitous. An official who declined to be named assured us at The California Torch that they can be harvested not only from undergraduates as the extra-virgin variety, but also from graduates for premium-aged bitter sadness.

“With water, there’s always the risk of it increasing in cost, or attracting bad press or whatever. But students? All you gotta do is shorten the time limit on finals,” added the officer, who also mentioned banning Ernie’s food truck and moving classes to 7am as possible options.