BrikWars Forums

The Magic SOB forum is for posts of story sequences that are frequently vignette-based. Put those here while actual battle reports can go in Reports From the Field.You must talk like James T. Kirk in this forum at all times. Leonard Nimoy is fine too.

Dr. Ramachandran, Senior Legislator of the 50th District: Dr. Minase, Dr. Minase, what am I going to do with you? To be frank, you would have never been my first choice of a partner, but your recent actions have proved excessive.Dr. Minase, Junior Legislator of the 50th District: Says the former Trattorian Attorney who ran the illegal immigrant concentration camps. We never get to pick who we get to work with in these affairs, do we? But I assure you, everything is going to plan.

Legislator Ramachandran: Going to plan? More akin to going to BrikHell! The Space Austrian war was an unmitigated disaster which earned you personal rebuke from the Speaker, and now the Ayanami reihadeens we covertly supported against the communists are backstabbing us with the weapons we provided to them. What sort of cockamamie stratagem do you envision? Legislator Minase: Did you ever cheat in school?Legislator Ramachandran: Excuse me?Legislator Minase: You know, copying off someone for a homework, or a test - Legislator Ramachandran: I know what it is. Of course not. Legislator Minase: Well, back when I studied physics at MIT, one of my friends cheated. The first time she guilted herself so hard about it, she almost thought about turning herself in. Then she did it again, and it was easier. And so on and so forth, until she did it regularly without a second thought. Legislator Ramachandran: Your point? Legislator Minase: Despite all the individual setbacks in these military conflicts, even if it makes me look bad now, polls don't lie. Space Austria provided the perfect casus belli, and yet we still had to drag the electorate along with us kicking and screaming. Now they're more willing, if only by a bit. And with every war, they will continue to be, more and more.

Legislator Ramachandran: Why do you want to drag Trattoria into constant warfare? Why do you want to be responsible for the deaths of millions? Legislator Minase: Because I believe it's in the best national security interests of - Legislator Ramachandran: Bullshit.Legislator Minase: You've suddenly grown a heart, Dr. Ramachandran? Suddenly taken a liking to those dirty foreigners and peach animals? Legislator Ramachandran: Not particularly. But you must have a reason for this, and I think you're the one who grew a heart. Look, you're a public servant of Trattoria now. I know what Bavaria did to you in the AN-TA War, but as an intellectual you can't let your personal feeling-

Legislator Minase: You do not know what happened. Legislator Ramachandran: Then tell me what did. It's not healthy to bottle it up like this. I'm your Senior Legislator, you can trust me, Lili-Legislator Minase: Don't try to act familiar with me, politician. I have my own, very rational, reasons for all this. And if you ever bring it up again, I will make you regret it.

Dr. Shiina, Stratego of the Sector III Fleet: What’s BDSM? The Accountant: It’s a - wait, wow, you really don’t know do you? Damn Tratts. Torture Drone: IS IT RELATED TO OPERATION GLASS LEVIATHAN? IS IT A PART OF OPERATION DOWNFALL? The Accountant: Hey, how in the BrikHell do you know about those operations? Ah, I see what this is about now. I’ll never tell you, Immortalis!

The Accountant: You think a little bit of whipping can make me talk? I was trained in torture resistance by Immortal Intelligence.

The Accountant: I’m not afraid of you, you weak Trattorian bitch! How hard can you hit anyw-

The Accountant: HOLY SHIT!The Accountant feels his spine cracking and his left ribs shattering.

His teeth and part of his jaw shatter, along with his sternum. Breathing aches, his lungs bruised and the heaving of his chest disrupting torn muscle and bone fragments.The Accountant: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFThe Accountant spits out some of his ruined teeth. Preferably at Dr. Shiina’s face, but none of them hit.

Wheezing, he tries to speak as blood and foam mixes into his mouth.The Accountant: Ho...ly...sh...it...Dr. Shiina: Like you, I used to work in banking, as a Goldman Sucks Partner. They trained us in basic combat so we could keep our corporate secrets safe - and so we could beat them out of competitors, if needed. The Accountant: Fuuu...ckk...you...will...never...give...up...secrets...Immortalis!

The Accountant: Will...never...talk...nothing...you...can...do...

The Accountant:*screams*

Dr. Shiina: Where did you work prior to joining the Immortals? The Accountant: Lemon...Brothers...Dr. Shiina: As a fellow former financier, I propose we do business. Give me my desideratum, we can stop this. The Accountant: Never! You...psychopath! Immortalis!

The Accountant: MMMMMFFFFFMMMMFFF *muffled gurgles*Dr. Shiina: I don’t need you. You think I won’t do this, but you’re wrong. Now blink three times in a row if you intend to give me what I want.

The Accountant does his best not to blink at all.

*BANG*

???

The Accountant: Aw shit. Dr. Shiina: I understand you desired that the Immortal Empire grant you Immortality.