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South African brewers Garagista Beer Co. has a new marketing campaign: all about bashing hipsters. Their beer is for normies, not hipster scum. And they have a poster or two (or five) to go with it. I mean, they get the specifics messed up a bit, because of course they did. I’m pretty sure normals have a better chance of using the Ramones t shirt for fashion than a hipster would, seeing as the Ramones are mainstream as fuck and I’m pretty sure hipsters are only allowed to listen to post punk (it’s in the contract you sign when you become a become hipster, right after the clause about only drinking the most terrible booze), not first wave.

Or how about that the company is named Garagista? You know, like the word garage, where someone would homebrew for their first time… How would someone let other people know about it? “My favorite beer is Garagista… my friend brews it in his garage with a couple of other guys…you probably haven’t heard of it before?” Sounds pretty fucking hip to me, Garagista.

Now you’ve set up shop in an actual brewery, making a few different drinks. Little did you know you’ve opened the door to the hipster floodgates: someone takes a sip of a new brew and says “You know, their first one was better.” And you’d best believe it will happen; hipsters love irony, and surely some local trust funders will buy their beer simply because it would be so funny if hipsters drink the beer that hates hipsters. It’s coming, Garagista. You’ll have to grit your teeth and pretend to like it when every keg tap party you throw is attended by hipsters and the men are wearing tighter and shorter shorts than the women. Good luck, have fun.

I’ll pass though, an attention getting gimmick like this is pretty transparent, and I don’t think you will get “normcore” enough to be sold here in the States. Besides, even if you did, I’m not sure how appealing to not-hipsters is going to get them to switch from MillerBudCoors Lites.

Look, I can’t say for certain that the couple in the ‘Catch Jeremy’ commercials are Jewish. All I can say is that they commercials are as annoying as any commercial in my lifetime. But you have to wonder – is T-Mobile trading off of Jewish stereotypes of parents being super stingy with cell phone bills? Is that even a stereotype about Jews? Is every parent stingy about it? Or is it just every Jewish parent that is stingy about it, and that’s why it’s no longer a stereotype?

The earliest terrible phone commercial I remember was for ATT Collect. It was about a guy who was calling his parents to tell them he had a baby boy. The problem was that the son was a cheap asshole (was he ALSO Jewish?). When his dad received a call, it was a collect call from ‘WEHADABABYEETZABOY‘. This new series takes the bait as stupidest.

It’s day 10 and the bill has reached $4,243 in overseas data bills. One photo he shared were two eggs. What’s next? Bread and butter? T-Mobile’s nationwide network just went global…

How stereotypical can it sound? Are we ‘catching’ Jeremy to send him somewhere dark and scary? (His Mom’s basement, not the Holocaust, jeez.)

I hope the Grand Prize is eternal happiness, or at least your parents being eternally happy with you.

NOOOOOOOOOOO Why does everyone sell out? You used to be so cool and punk and anti-establishment! Remember people, this is how it works. You meet a sketch guy who gets a job at SNL (super sell-out!), and then you create a show on IFC (not at all selling out), and then you do some shitty commercial for a super large money-sucking middle-class molesting credit card company. Thanks Carrie Brownstein. Now it’s just a matter of time before my family sells me down the river to act in a Abercrombie and Fitch commercial.

Here’s the commercial of the Flaming Lips at the Superbowl. They sold out. But it’s okay, because no one cares and no one knows what ‘selling out’ really means. Horay for apathy!

Most importantly most of the 100 million+ people watching the Superbowl didn’t even know who they were.

All I learned from the Superbowl this year is that I should get into advertising and make better commercials, or just watch Superbowl commercials from 2002 and pitch some ideas to a media conglomerate because god were all the commercials awful or what?

Did you already forget what car company was shilling? Don’t worry. If you go to their website you can get a free download of this Flaming Lips track.

As many of you know, Bar Refaeli was in a Go Daddy commercial. Most web people have lists of the best and worst hosting companies. Most lists put 1and1.com and Go Daddy at 99 and 100. (ed. note: We currently run our site with 1and1.com and would love for someone to come and save us). In this specific commercial, she made out with a chubby, Jewfro wearing, nerdy guy. I am disgusted. Partially for the fact that it wasn’t me. But mostly because Go Daddy sucks. How could you sell yourself to the lowest common denominator in web hosting? Is that why you made out with a guy that doesn’t look like Leonardo DeCaprio?

Okay. But lets talk about this guy. Who is he? Where did he come from? And why does he look familiar (other than the fact we all went to hebrew school with him). The lucky guy that got to make out with Bar Refaeli… most likely in multiple takes… He has pretty much been in every movie and tv show you’ve ever watched in the past 10 years. Don’t believe me?

With the Super Bowl a few days away, it’s about time we start presenting the most mainstream televised event of the year. Everyone will be watching it. The jocks will. Your mom will. You will, even if you pretend not to care to keep up appearances you fucking hoopster. You don’t have a TV but you’ll find a friend who does, you mooching bastard.

This year the comedic superstars Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, and Bob Odenkirk are in a Samsung commercial teaser.. I’m sure it’s because they got paid a shit ton to ‘act’ in it. I’ve seen those three in so many different visual mediums that I expect to see them in my bathroom mirror if I say their name 3 times backwards.

Well played Internet Explorer. Everyone kind of hates you, just like everyone kind of hates Safari. But you’ve played on the greatest nostalgia generation of our time: The 90s. Whether you were born in the 80s and actually lived through the 90s, or were born in the 90s and only knew about the 90s through VH1’s I Love the 90s series, we all wish we were still living during the time of MTV and Beavis and Butthead.

Let’s tally all the different forms of 90s nostalgia that IE mentioned in their ad.

Finally people! I’ve made it to the big leagues. I’m famous. I’m in a commercial. Not just any commercial! A local commercial. The best kind of commercials. The ones where you can get all crazy, amped up on little green pills, and kick your way through a couple hours of shooting. So if you live in Vermont and you have cable access (Pshaw, only corporate-loving losers have cable, or TV, for that matter. But I do really like Game of Thrones, which is totally okay and consistent logic.), go watch it on some local access channel.

If you don’t, and you want to see me act as a terrible employee (it’s such a stretch, I know, har har har har har), then watch below. Definitely will be worth the 30 seconds of your life.

If you like it, please share. I wanna be famous by Sunday. Not famous famous. Just famewhore-y Kim Kardashian famous.

P.S. anyone know how I get an official credit for this? I need to show my grandchildren this in the future so they knew pop-pop wasn’t a total failure. And yes, they will call me ‘pop-pop’.