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3 Things That Jason Derulo’s “Trumpets” Taught Me About Love

Jason Derulo’s music over the past year has taken us through the gamut of what it’s like to be in love, from the initial, platonic flirting, to the fun trips with women who can’t speak English, to the world’s supply of butts. His output is the When Harry Met Sally of our generation, and he paints a picture of romance that is jaggedly intimate. It will stab a pike through your heart and hoist you screaming through the streets.

In a time when we’re so focused on ourselves and our ambitions, Jason Derulo’s music can help us, if only for four minutes, remember what it’s like to be in love. This is no more evident than with his latest single “Trumpets,” which is so in love that, at times, I can’t even comprehend it.

Love Doesn’t Have To Be Fun

Jason Derulo frames himself as an extremely intense man. I assumed that, when a girlfriend is taking a shower or changing into a different pair of pants, that I could relax a bit and not be writing songs in my head about all the wonderful things going on with her flesh, but Jason has proven me wrong. Every time that a girl gets undressed, Jason’s head goes into Mozart mode. It’s like an orchestra made entirely out of boners in his skull.

That’s a painful amount of devotion that I didn’t know was required of me before. He says that he “wrote this song just looking at you,” and, considering the complexity of the lyrics, it’s logical that he composed it while focused on something else entirely, but it also means that Jason’s girlfriend can’t go to the bathroom without Jason trying to figure out where the percussion section plays into the whole thing. Love isn’t relaxed or calm. It’s Jason Derulo needing his girlfriend to find a different outfit or he won’t be able to properly do his job. If she stays in sweatpants for a few days, they’ll starve.

I wish I knew of love.

Love Is A Lot Like Having A Brain Tumor

Maybe Jason Derulo should go to the doctor and get his inability to stop receiving sounds at various intervals checked out. I get that he hears “violins whenever you’re gone,” because a violin is, historically, the most appropriate instrument for feeling sad, but what about the “angels every time that you moan” (which happens to be my favorite musical cue in Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac Vol. 2), or “trumpets when you’re turning me on.” Trumpets are not the go-to piece of brass that’s normally associated with getting aroused. In fact, I don’t think there is one, especially since the a cappella for trumpets that Jason sings sounds like “ba ba ba ba ba.” Does Jason know what trumpets sound like? The first time he hears one, his reaction is going to be “This doesn’t sound like an erection at all! What about the ba ba ba’s?” And his second reaction will be “I see friends with demon faces.”

Love Should Remind You Of Bizarre, Awkward References

To be honest, and I know this sounds crazy, but it’s hard to imagine that Jason Derulo is singing this to an actual person. I know, I know. Let that sink in for a bit. I just can’t quite grasp who this amazingly indifferent woman is that can put up with all of Jason’s pop culture references when he’s trying to set the mood to “sexy.”

“Is it weird that your ass reminds me of a Kanye West song?”

This one kind of breaks the ice a bit. It’s not the insane, alien form of compliment that will come later, but it still lets you know that you’re dealing with a man who filters his emotions through the “The New Workout Plan” video.

“Is it weird that your bra reminds me of a Katy Perry song?”

Yes, Jason. To the normal person, telling your lady the equivalent of “Your breasts remind me of a famous person’s breasts!” could be considered an uncanny gesture. But this is all according to how I was raised. In the circles that Jason Derulo is a part of, it’s just a handshake between buddies. If you don’t tell a girl that her bust size is one of the six degrees of separation between her and the girl who did “Roar,” you’re basically giving her the cold shoulder.

“Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?”

Possibly? Then again, I have plenty of unforeseen issues that this song has revealed to me, and they are issues that I desperately need to work on. The first issue on my list is figuring out why “Clocks” doesn’t play whenever I’m staring at someone. Is there some kind of lobotomy that would fix this? Or am I going to have to remind myself of the cover art of X & Y whenever I’m making out? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things.

“Is it weird that your bra reminds me of a Katy Perry song?”

And then, out of all three musical artists that he mentions, he goes back to this one, to leave us with the lasting impression that, while love is great and all, it’s mostly about the bra stuff. You gotta have the bra stuff.