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“The emotional abuse came first and started very early on. I wasn’t allowed to talk to other men without it causing an argument, and wasn’t really allowed to go see my friends without being accused of sleeping around and being out partying and doing drugs. So, I lost a lot of friends and really didn’t talk to anyone outside of him. . . . A couple of days after I turned 19 is the first time I remember being completely physically assaulted and beaten because I had disagreed with his music choice in my car and he smashed my car’s stereo. I couldn’t open my one eye the next day and was hidden from his family for the whole weekend in his bedroom. That’s also when the questions at home and at work really started and the violence started regularly occurring and escalating from there.”

– Jayne, 24

Think that dating violence is an issue for adults as opposed to teens? Think again. Statistics from both sides of the border tell a very different story.

And a separate study of violent crimes reported to Canadian police found that dating violence represents 7 percent of all violent crimes and 28 percent of all incidents of intimate partner violence (defined by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as “physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse”).

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It can be terrifying to discover — or even to suspect — that your teenager could be involved an abusive relationship, says pediatrician Miriam Kaufman, head of the division of adolescent medicine at the Hospital for Sick Children. “You’re worried about your kid’s physical survival and self-esteem.”

If you suspect that your child is involved in a less-than-healthy relationship, it’s important to respond with support, not judgment, stresses Kaufman: “Let them know that you’re there for them and you’re not going to blame them.”

Jayne (a 24-year-old student who was involved in an abusive relationship for three-and-a-half years during her late teens), also emphasizes the importance of such an approach: “It is not the victim’s fault that they ‘let’ someone do this to them. It’s much like drowning. Things are great and you’re swimming in this new love and everything is great, until one day it just sucks you under — and no matter how much you kick and struggle and gasp, you just can’t make it to the surface.”

It’s very important for parents to offer solutions to teens who are feeling confused and trapped by a relationship gone wrong.

“Say, ‘I won’t be horrified by anything you tell me. My focus is on your well-being. If you feel unsafe, at risk, or uncomfortable, just call me and I will be there,’ ” suggests Lynn Zimmer, Executive Director of YWCA Peterborough, Victoria, and Haliburton, a non-profit organization that operates a secure emergency shelter for women and children fleeing any type of abuse.

It’s also important to offer hope, says Michael Kaufman, a writer and educator who is best known for co-founding the White Ribbon Campaign which seeks to end violence against women. He is also Miriam Kaufman’s brother.

“Let them know they aren’t stuck. There is a way out,” he says.

Parents need to know when it’s time to listen and when it’s time to take action, he adds. They want to respect their teens’ growing independence and need for privacy, but they also have to protect them — both against the risk they are facing right now and the risk that they may face over time, should the situation continue to escalate. “If you feel that you child’s health or safety is in danger, it’s very appropriate and important for you to get help. That may include calling the police,” he stresses.

Speaking from the vantage point of someone who has survived dating violence, rebuilt her life, and moved on to a happier — and healthier — relationship, Jayne offers these words of wisdom to young people who are trying to decide what types of behaviours they are and aren’t willing to accept from a dating partner: “If there is a lot of concern about controlling and explosive behaviour in the start, that should be a major red flag to get out. If [your partner] is acting like that now, imagine how bad it will likely get as they get to be more comfortable with you. Love is not telling someone how to live their life: love is living your life as you want to live it with someone who encourages that.”

In the next Mother of all Parenting Columns: Harsh parenting leaves teens susceptible to dating violence

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting. Her website is www.having-a-baby.com.

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