Author
Topic: JOTD (Read 10263 times)

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get thecat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty forthe night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had topoke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried totake off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in ablanket to keep her from scratching me.But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead."

A bass is swimming around the lake enjoying a beautiful day when he swims over to his bluegill friend and says "Man. I have a great life. I've lived in this lake for 10 years and can do whatever I want. I am KING of this lake! Life is good! So how are you doing?" The bluegill responds "Well, you know, life is good. I can't complain. But you see that guy over there? You keep eating all of his kids. His life is kind of crappie."

two dogs humping grew up to be the best hunter,meanest warrior ,and most handsome man in the tribe...and so it was deemed that he marry the prettiest lady ...a month before the wedding two dogs humping went to the chief medicine man and confessed that even though he was brave and strong he knew nothing about love and sex...the medicine man took himout in the forest and found a tree with a knothole at the correct level and he showed two dogs how to practice for the special night...he said you go into the woods each day and find a good knothole to practice on...well the day of the wedding all was beautiful and as was the custom the elders surrounded the wedding hut as tha pair entered...a few minutes later there was a terrible scream,continuous for few minutes...the medicine man entered and found the poor lady bleeding and two dogs standing above her with a bloody sick...what are you doing asked the medicine man?..two dogs just grinned and said"me checkum for bees"....

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"