Green Party Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It Has Other Policies

WASHINGTON D.C. – The Green Party of The United States is desperately trying to convince supporters of the two main political parties that it does have policies not linked in any way to the environment.

Speaking before a Q&A session Wednesday, Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein insisted that people should “check out our stance on healthcare and education.”

“Every election it’s the same; people always think that the Green Party is just about saving some polar bears in the North Pole,” said Stein.

“But if you actually take the time to read into our policies, you’ll realize that, among other things, we want to stop the punishment of students and teachers for failures of the system, we want to offer affordable healthcare for every American, and we want to reform financial institutions. That’s right: we actually have our own fiscal agenda.”

Despite its name, the party is adamant that it holds several other non-climate-related views, including matters pertaining to immigration, the economy and foreign policy, as well as ending the War on Drugs.

“I know you might find this hard to believe, but we even have opinions on complex matters such as the conflict in the Middle East and have even formulated a workable alternative to stringent border control measures,” continued Stein. “This information has been public on our website for years. Just go and check it out.”

The Green Party, which officially formed in 1991, took just 161,603 votes at the last election in 2008.

“The party has moved on since then; we’ve learned from our mistakes. Just take a look at our “We Do Other Things” campaign banners. Hopefully they’ll go a long way to convincing people that we’re more than just some tree-hugging political movement. We’re the Green Party.”

Meanwhile, the party has removed all mention of the environment from its website in a continued effort to “be taken seriously for once.”