This Easter weekend, although not over yet, has felt rather odd. I'm not sure if it's because I'm coming down with something or maybe it's just a combination of too much booze and far too much sugar... I don't know. I just feel weird.

Boozy night out.

And anyone else f r e a k i n g out about this whole Korea business? I mean, I have enough to worry about. One more anxiety attack may send me into the crazy house... Maybe it's a combination of feelings that are leaving me all crazy weird. I do have a mental uni deadline this week too. Maybe that's it....that fucking Dr Faustus.

Freezing cold Easter Sunday walk.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's this bloody weather. My bones are cold and I can't get warm. All I've done is drink tea this weekend (and wine). Maybe it's the caffeine?

Perhaps, and this is just an idea, perhaps it's simply because this time next week my beautiful, infuriating monster of a child turns two. Maybe that's why. Because I don't know where the fuck these two years have gone and I don't how I feel about being the mother of a two year old. I feel odd, we've established that. But I feel something else. Sad? Anxious (all day long)? Am I freaking out? Yeah, you could say that.

This time two years ago, Lil was due (she didn't arrive for another 12 days). I know it's naff, the whole 'this time two years ago..' but I've been watching videos of her as a baby and I'm upset that I didn't appreciate those days as much as I should have. Mother's of toddlers: weren't those the easy days?

I used to sit and watch her for hours. Now if I sit and watch her for five minutes she gets the arse and I either have to play whatever game it is she's playing or 'go away'. I miss the newborn stage like you wouldn't believe.

I wrote about Lil's eating habits a while back and to be honest, they've got worse. She knows what she doesn't want to eat (fruit - apart from bananas, veg... the good stuff) and she's pretty sure what she does want to eat (bananas, occasionally homemade pizza or sushi and chocolate) and when she eats (which isn't often) it's only very little. And now, she's refusing her vitamin drops. I've even tried giving her the sweetie version. Nope, nada.

I'm at my wits end and it's starting to get me down to the point where I feel like it's time to get professional help (my HV has been useless - 'it's a phase', well it's a bloody long one then). But before I start looking in to expensive alternatives, I wondered if anyone else has been through the same? Does it get better? How? Do I have to keep persevering? How long does it last? We sit down at dinner together, the three of us... what am I doing wrong? Is it my fault? All these questions. Can anyone recommend a book on it? Sigh.

This time last year, before she got sick on her birthday, she was eating everything. Fuck you, sickness, you fuck everything up. Wah.

I'm not sure if this is a phase or if there's another reason for my whiney daughter insisting I do everything with her... either way, it's annoying. Now we've pulled her out of nursery, I have to study when she's around (if possible and right now it isn't) until I've sat down and worked out a proper schedule (on my ever growing 'to do' list...) where her Dad can take her for a few hours. But until then it's 'mummy do it, mummy help, mummy play, mummy draw, mummy paint'. I wouldn't mind, well I don't mind, but it's all day long. I'll go to wash the dishes and she follows me out, 'mummy draw', I go to the toilet, 'mummy help...' When does it end?!

'Mummy wear Lil's hat'

Whatever happened to being independent, huh Lil?
We do stuff together every day, every day, but it's not enough. It has to be all day everyday and it's exhausting! And guess what...before we went to NY she dropped her afternoon naps, on her own. So now (unless she's sick) she doesn't nap so that's 1.5 hours I have less to do other stuff. Sweet Jesus, I'm struggling and I'm exhausted.

'MUMMY HELP' Ugh. Glitter regret.

So, Mama's, are there any secrets to juggling the child/chores/studying/fun? Because I need answers, NOW!

When I found out Dizzy loves Icy had given me the Liebster award, I was super excited because Lia's blog is one of my fave's and it means so much that she thinks mine is great too. Thanks Lia!

A liebster award is one that bloggers give to small blogs they love. So I have to answer 11 questions set by Lia and then I have to think up 11 more and ask them of the blogs I love. A whole loada lovin' going on 'round 'ere....

Riiiiiiight.

1. Who has influenced you the most throughout your life?
My grandparents. They have been married for nearly fifty years and are two of the most wonderful people. It's thanks to them that I am the person I am today, they've helped me through the toughest times of my life and have always, always been there for me - never judging.

2. What was the first blog you became addicted to?Caroline Hirons. It's thanks to her my skin is no longer a pain in my backside, after reading every single post on her blog I worked out a skincare routine that saw my problem skin turn into not such a problem. She is so funny too and very, very honest which is so refreshing.

3. Favourite day of the week?
Friday, friday, friday!!!!!

4. Hot or cold holidays?
It used to be cold but since having Lil, I'm ALL ABOUT the sunshine and heat.

5. Book you're currently reading?
A book about growing vegetables, I want to get it right this year.

6. Beauty product you cannot live without?
My Covergirl mascara.

7. What's for dinner?
Veggie bean burgers, lime rice and asparagus.

8. Favourite place on the planet?
Ilam, Derbyshire. You thought I was going to say NY didn't you?!

9. Here's £100 just for YOU. What do you do with it?
Thanks! Manicure, pedicure and blow dry.

10. Favourite toy or book as a child?Reckless Ruby. My Mum donated my copy to the doctors surgery and to say I was pissed off was an understatement. And on Christmas Day a couple of years ago, my husband gave me a copy. I've just started reading it to Lil, it's a great book for girls.

1. What's your favourite thing to do when you have time alone?
2. If you could move to any place in the world, where would it be?
3. What item will you be coveting for the new season?
4. What's your favourite season?
5. Drink of choice?
6. A childhood memory?
7. Tea or coffee?
8. What's your favourite dish to cook?
9. Favourite TV programme?
10. Celeb crush?
11. What 5 people (dead or alive) would you invite to a dinner party?

This time around, it was like something had changed. Maybe it was New York, maybe it was me. Either way, there was a shift.

The urgency to absorb the city had subsided, I knew the streets and sights well so this time it was solely about just 'being'. We hung out in the the most perfect 'dive' diner (the best kind) and ate pancakes and supped coffee poured straight from the jug, none of that cappuccino crap.

We went to watch Brooklyn Nets kicks Washington Wizards' butts and drank beer and cheered, we ate bagels in bed and watched E! until we fell asleep. We wandered aimlessly, breathing in the cold air and admiring how different Manhattan's blue sky was to smoggy London's. We ate falafel in Williamsburg, I bought pretty jewels in Catbird and we made friends on the subway.

We spent time with dear friends, gorged on the best sushi and vegan chocolate ice cream, played in the park and had our photo taken by one of the loveliest and most amazing photographers. I grinned hard and said 'thank you' to which they all replied 'You're welcome'. I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my wonderful daughter and then got sick and sad because it was time to come home.

I loved New York hard, harder than before although this time it was a different kind of love. Less of a showing off kinda love and more of a comfortable love...

While I was in New York (more on that later), I received my first assignment back (for those of you not in the know, I have recently started a degree in English Literature). I was going to avoid opening it until I got home because it was going to be bad news. A fail, perhaps. I'm not exaggerating when I say it was the hardest essay I've had to write (so far) and also the dullest so I just wrote what I thought was a load of shit.

Turns out it wasn't. I'd passed and by quite a way. I was pretty gobsmacked and still can't believe it, and the comments my tutor left made me super happy. But, my darlings... I owe it all to you. For those of you (one of you especially, you know who you are...) who told me to keep going and sent lots of encouraging words, thank you.

Bloody love you.

It meant and still means so much to me (alright, you didn't actually write the damn thing for me but you bloody well helped push me along), you kind and wonderful people. Thank you.

Greetings from The Big Apple. I'm currently in bed (it's 12pm) with an awful cold, cough and sore throat and feeling very sorry for myself.

Bleurgh

Not ideal.

Yesterday was the shoot with Flannery o'Kafka in Central Park and we had such a fun couple of hours. Andrea is the most amazing photographer and Lil absolutely adored her ('Mummy, Andrea gone?'). I can't wait to see the photos and share some of them with you. It was such a glorious, sunny day and Lil was on form (although not so much for the rest of the trip - fuck you, teething).

We fly back tomorrow (major sad face, I'd rather be sick in NY for sure) and then it's service as usual I suppose... More assignments to write and tantrums to deal with. I'll write about our trip in more detail once we're home and I'm fixed.

So after this post I shall be on a blog break because if you hadn't yet realised... I'm going to New York on Thursday. DUH. I have finally submitted my first assignment (after lots of screaming, shouting and crying and an unsent email to my tutor telling her I QUIT) and have three quarters packed so I'm almost ready to rock and roll.

I shall be back in a week or so with tales of America and Lil's photo shoot with the amazing Flannery o' Kafka, pictures of the food I'm going to gorge on and a load of drizzle on how much I LOVE NYC and how MISERABLE I am to be home.

Have a happy, happy Mothers Day (if you're a Mum) and I hope you lovely Mamas get spoilt rotten (and if you don't, take baby daddies bankcard and treat yo bad self).

Lots of lovin'

Charlotte and Lilian xoxo

P.S Go take a look at this, the last film gave me goosebumps. I'm so excited to meet with Andrea and have her take Lil's photo.