Sunday, August 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Brazilian politicians have reportedly stayed clear of the
Olympics because of the bad mood of the country over the money spent on the
Games. Not only that, but why do they need to go out of their ways to watch
other people who make a living out of constantly running?

Brazilian politicians have reportedly stayed clear of the
Olympics because of the bad mood of the country over the money spent on the
Games. Not to say the country put a lot of cash into the effort, but the
swimmers dodging the sewage in Guanabara Bay weren’t the only onestrying to keep their heads above water.

The world’s most expensive home located in France has an
asking price of $1.1 Billion. Which is a lot of money but still only a half
million more than the typical three bedroom fixer upper in Mark Zuckerberg’s
neighborhood in Palo Alto.

Democrats are fearing that hackers who leaked documents were
targeting their candidates in tight races in Florida. As opposed to the usual
hurdles faced by Democrats in Florida with tampered voting machines, missing
ballots and names picked from a hat by the Supreme Court.

AT&T, Apple, Google and other tech companies are working
to stop robocalls, automated annoying calls by telemarketers. Which are only
slightly more of a nuisance than sitting on the phone waiting for three hours
when calling one of the tech companies for customer service.

A report says pregnant women in Miami are afraid to leave
their homes because of the fear of the Zika virus. Which is different than how
they are normally afraid to leave their homes because of fear of robbery,
assault and drive-by shootings.

A map has been created which shows where men around the
world have the largest sized manhood. Coming in third is Jamaica, which finally
explains how Usain Bolt wins all those close finishing races.

The Paralympics scheduled in Rio are reportedly suffering
from budget cuts and low ticket sales. Not only that, but people wishing to
compete are also being charged an arm and a leg.

An orangutan in Australia has reportedly composed its own
song using a phone app with the help of a zookeeper. Which might be good news
as that is exactly the same way that Justin Bieber got his start.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana
will remain on the ballot in Arizona. Mostly because it’s too hard to tell who
is high in the state anyways as most cars are driven around at 20 miles an hour
with the turn signal constantly flashing.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana
will remain on the ballot in Arizona. Apparently the ruling was based on
competition with nearby states, dating back to when Jojo left his home in
Tucson, Arizona for some California grass.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana
will remain on the ballot in Arizona. Most people around the state don’t mind
the idea of legalized pot just as long as it doesn’t require a prescription to
get Mueslix.

A judge has ruled that an initiative to legalize marijuana
will remain on the ballot in Arizona. The only concern for most people is
having to deal with the construction of a new Domino’s Pizza location at every
intersection in the state.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort has resigned,
saying allegations tying him to Russia have made him “become a distraction.”
Which turned into a conflict as the entire campaign is based on Trump being the
distraction.

A woman in England is selling her wedding dress on eBay to
pay for her subsequent divorce. Interestingly enough, she has listed the dress
under the heading of “baggage.”

RBS says it will start charging corporate customers for
holding their cash. The companies are more than willing to do that otherwise
they will be forced to do something stupid with their money, like giving it out
to their employees.

Facebook is introducing a new app for teens to share photos
and videos. Which would be a good idea if every teenager hadn’t already left
Facebook for Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter three years ago.

Donald Trump’s campaign is reportedly considering starting a
Trump TV station to attract voters. Don’t we already have a Trump TV? It’s
called Fox, CNN and Comedy Central.

An estimate says retiring couples will need to have $260,000
set aside for health care. Mostly to help them recover from the heart attack
and stroke they will have when they find out their retirement will cost
$260,000 for health care.

Uber’s push for self-driving cars is said to be a job
killer. Especially since most people using Uber are trying to save money so
they can buy their own car and reach their dream of someday becoming a driver
for Uber.

A report says IT accounts for 4.6 Million U.S. jobs. Which
was figured out by looking at Census data showing the population of white and
Asian males living in San Jose, Cupertino and Palo Alto.

Some colleges are offering a free fifth year for students
who don’t graduate in four years. On top of that, they get a free 21st
year of interest payments on their student loans if they haven’t paid them all
off after 20.

Martin Shkreli is calling the drug company raising the price
of EpiPens by 544% “vultures.” Although what the person who raised the price of
an AIDS drug by 5400% probably meant to say was “Amateurs!”

A report says Mike Pence borrowed $280,000 to put his kids
through college. Which is different than how Donald Trump handled his kids
education, which was giving them all executive jobs in his corporation and
paying them with the money he took in from Trump University.

Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Steve Bannon says he is
encouraging Trump to not be nice and aggressively go with his gut. In other
words, don’t change a thing.

Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Steve Bannon says he is
encouraging Trump to not be nice and aggressively go with his gut. Meaning he
knows that Trump won’t listen to a word he says and will do whatever he wants
anyways.

Government officials are looking to stop people on Medicaid from
also getting subsidies for private health insurance. Mostly because they don’t
want to be paying in duplicate for services where insurance companies are
charging them in triplicate.

A report says many Olympians have dental problems.
Especially the ones who weren’t able to keep their mouths closed while swimming
in the green diving pool.

A report says many Olympians have dental problems. Which is
understandable in after wearing a pair of Speedos all day not wanting to even
think about subjecting another body part to being flossed.

A report says the water supply in two North Carolina cities
may be contaminated with E.Coli. Authorities are blaming it on people who are
using public water sources to wash their white hoods.

A report says the water supply in two North Carolina cities
may be contaminated with E.Coli. Apparently all it takes is one person throwing
their Chipotle burrito leftovers into a nearby river or lake.

The FDA has issued safety warnings over Wen hair products
over complaints of hair loss and rashes. The good news is that people who
wasted their money on the faulty shampoos and conditioners will now save all
kinds of money from not having hair they have to wash ever again.

A study says the “business diet” consisting of red meat,
snacks and alcohol is bad for the heart. Especially when the diet is combined
with a business trip that involves flying on United Airlines and staying at a
Super 8 Motel.

A lifelike doll left in a car in New Hampshire caused police
to break out a window and perform CPR. The only question is why police thought
even a real baby would be in danger in a state where the temperature never gets
higher than 67 degrees.

A lifelike doll left in a car in New Hampshire caused police
to break out a window and perform CPR. Although it was nowhere near as serious
as the time a girl left herKen doll on
a windowsill and a suicide team took four hours trying to talk him out of jumping.

A lifelike doll left in a car in New Hampshire caused police
to break out a window and perform CPR. The owner has been called irresponsible
for their actions and could be placed under Barbie Dreamhouse arrest.

A report says a baby name surge of “Simone” is taking place
after the Olympic performances of Simone Biles and Simone Manuel. On the other
hand, the antics of the U.S. swim team have pretty much canceled out anyone
naming their child “Ryan” for the next four years.

A study says that men who are family breadwinners are less
happy and healthy. Mostly from the fact that to support a family these days it
pretty much takes working all day at three different minimum wage jobs.

A report says sales are increasing for canned wine. Who
would have ever thought the way to throw a classy party was to be the host
serving wine from a box?

A report says sales are increasing for canned wine. Mostly
because the last thing you want to do after someone has already been drinking
cheap wine all day is to put a corkscrew in their hands.

Wrestler Eva Marie has been suspended from the WWE for
violating the Wellness Policy. Although it’s hard to believe an sport that
features a flying springboard moonsault with a double stomp actually claims to
have a Wellness Policy.

Wrestler Eva Marie has been suspended from the WWE for
violating the Wellness Policy. Apparently when she hit someone on the back with
a folding chair, she didn’t check to see that there was still someone sitting
in it.

Tyra banks will teach a business course at Stanford next
year. Although most people already know the secret of how to use modeling as a
way to become rich. For most, it is simply marrying Donald Trump.

Police say burglars broke into the home that was used for
exterior shots for the TV show “The Brady Bunch.” Fortunately no one was hurt,
and the only thing missing was a container in the refrigerator full of pork
chops and apple sauce.

A lawyer for Ryan Lochte says the swimmer didn’t lie about
being robbed. What else would you call getting drunk out of your mind and
having a street vendor charge you $15 for a vuvuzela?

The U.S. Women’s
water polo team won the sport’s first ever back to back Olympic gold medals.
The most difficult part was keeping their concentration during games with a
drunk Ryan Lochte sitting in the stands constantly yelling out “Marco!”

The NBA is holding a hackathon to help build basketball
analytics tools. And to get Shaquille O’Neal to the free throw line as many
times as possible.

A new law in Massachusetts calls for raising the wages for
women working in IT. Which will be good news for the three women interested in
the seven IT jobs available in Massachusetts.

Tech publication Wired magazine has made its first ever
presidential endorsement, backing Hillary Clinton. Mostly from selling
magazines the next four years with articles on how to keep from getting in
trouble for using a private e-mail server.

Hillary Clinton reportedly told the FBI that Colin Powell
advised her to use a private e-mail account. Which shows that as far as Powell
is concerned her administration won’t be the third term of President Obama as
much as George W. Bush all over again where he once again gets thrown under the
bus.

Donald Trump made a speech appealing to Black voters by
asking them what they have to lose by voting for him. Other than their right to
vote by the time he runs for reelection.

A poll says that approval of Congress has improved to a
still low 18%. The good news is that at least they are pretty much guaranteed
to have a higher approval rate than whomever moves into the White House in
January.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Rio
Olympics are over. The Games will be most remembered for the good news of the
U.S. Swim Team led by Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky bringing home 33 medals.
The bad news is they also brought back Ryan Lochte. While I will never win an
Olympic medal, I always feel like I am right up there on the podium every time
you all remember to keep sending the love!