Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Legalized Marijuana in Alaska - It’s not NORML

Even
two years ago if someone had told me the Alaska Republican Committee would come
out in favor of legalizing marijuana, I would have suspected they were several
joints short of holding a full ounce. However, in the final stages before the
November 4 elections that’s exactly what happened. Not only that, but a number
of former and current law enforcement officials did the same thing. Support for
marijuana legalization moved out of the darkened rooms with Cheech and Chong
posters and the smoky basements with grow lights to be broadcast in the light
of day by respectable, admired, public
leaders. Wow. (Guess that should be, “Oh… wooow… maaannn…”)

The
support worked. Ballot Measure Number 2, An
Act to Tax and Regulate the Production, Sale, and Use of Marijuana passed.
Marijuana is legal in Alaska, or will be at some point… we don’t know when
exactly. In around nine months, maybe a year, who knows?

Proponents of Prop. 2 celebrating

With
all the effort put into the measure, both for and against it, nobody seems to
have put any thought into what’s going to happen next. The overwhelming
response - again, from both sides - has been, “Holy smoke! Now what?”

While
proponents are ready to charge out and torch up a fatty in wild celebration,
they need to keep in mind the law doesn’t allow public use. That’s right: you
can open those dark curtains and grow the stuff openly in your living room
window, but don’t take your roll for a stroll because you’ll be fined. We don’t
know how much, or how severely, but you’ll be in trouble. Who knows how much? Maybe you’ll get fined $10, maybe
$150, maybe you’ll get a time out with a stern scolding.

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And
maybe, just maybe, you’ll be living in one of those communities that decides to
declare marijuana contraband. That’s right, communities can opt-out of the
legalization and remain smokeless.

Here’s
how things are supposed to shake
down. The Alcoholic Beverage Control (ABC) Board will implement the bill and be
responsible for regulation. Of course, that’s only if the State Legislature
doesn’t decide to bypass the ABC Board and create a new bureaucratic entity in
the form of the Marijuana Control Board (MCB).

Expecting
the Legislature to sit out an opportunity to create another department to
oversee, even if the ABC Board is willing to undertake massive additional
responsibilities, is unrealistic. And that’s where I expect to see the actual
enactment of marijuana legalization coming to an abrupt halt before proceeding.The
MCB would be in charge of all things weedy: licensing sellers, approving
growers, taxing and even ensuring suitable product. From the very start, until
the very last details are ironed out, it’s going to be a long tote (or toke,
depending on your position).

First
off, there’s going to be the great debate on what, exactly, the Director of the
Marijuana Control Board should be titled. I’m sure Marijuana Czar will be
bandied about, but I’m sure things will get more creative. Why not the Poobah
of Pot? How about the Doobie Director? What about the Highness of Hookahs?
Cannabis King? Wizard of Weed? Bong Boss? Pharaoh of Fatties? The choices are
seemingly limitless and guaranteed to be debated at length. No matter,
eventually a legislative committee will be formed to handle all the details.
The story will be something those in the media fight competitively to cover.It’s
not hard to imagine a massive assemblage of reporters waiting impatiently
outside the door of the room where the Legislative
Implementation of Marijuana Production, Distribution, Inspection and Control
Committee (better known as LIMPDICC) is meeting. After hours and hours of
staring at a closed door, during which the only signs of life from within have
been several exchanges of crumpled twenty-dollar bills with pizza delivery
guys, the committee chairman slips into the hall. His eyes are red and droopy
from the long meeting, and he gives the reporters flooding toward him a stony
gaze as they shout out a staccato of questions.

“Senator! Senator! Has the committee come to a
consensus?”

“Senator! Will the tax remain $50 an ounce?”“Senator! Does the committee have any ideas for
director?”

“Senator! How will quality be assured?”

The Senator waves the crowding media to silence.
“Dude! I’m like… you know… it’s a
long, complicated process. I’m ummm… just going to get some peanut butter
cheese crackers. We’re like, you know, hungry but tired of pizza, maaannn.”

Oh!
How I love Alaskan politics! It always keeps things edgy, if not outright
comical.P.S. - If you didn’t find
this funny, maybe you should try lighting one up and re-reading it. (But only if you're in Alaska.)