Hello, friends. Maybe you're between religions. Maybe you just aren't happy with the quality of your current one. well, if so, I want to invite you down to your local catholic Church. We have offices everywhere and convenient hours.

Just take a look at what the Catholic Church offers:

One hour services. If you aren't blessed and in your car in 65 minutes or less, it's automatic salvation. We are talking full blanket pardon. Our guys at the front are specially trained to keep everything under an hour. And we never encourage any windy "Save the church" extra sermons. In our biz, people who do that wind up in the back office.

Lots of formality. Does your Pastor want you to call him by his first name? What is up with that? "Please call me Pastor Dave so when I show up on your doorstep asking for extra money, you'll have to open the wallet because it's for Pastor Dave." We have names, titles and big hats and robes.

Hot chics. Check out our 5 PM Saturday service. We got the MILFs hitting the church and then hitting the bars. We got the finest 18-21 year old girls in organized religion. That's not boasting. That's based on a 2012 international survey which clearly states, the Catholic church has more hittable tail in it per square foot than a broken down bus on the way to Cheerleader Camp.

And we've cleaned up that other stuff. Besides, none of that stuff was worse that what you went through in the Navy or the frat house, right?

It's nice to know that he's gone from humble reformer of the church, to "chosen one", heralded by visions and miracles around the world, who ascended the Papal throne to the trumpets and choruses of angels... that doesn't sound like something that could possibly end badly.

Nice to know that a sign from God has now been reduced to "I met an Argentine couple who wanted the Argentine cardinal elected, probably one of only a few cardinals they knew the name of, because he was, you know, Argentinian".