Thursday, October 16, 2008

I wrote this back in 1999 for PEERS' annual Bal des Vampires. It is actually a sequel to a 1997 skit. If the characters seem weirdly familiar, it's because they are.

The Road to Carpathia

A Skit in One Unnatural Act

By Paul T.S. Lee

The Players

Vladdy Ricardo (Paul Lee): An alter ego of the Count, Vladdy comes from the Little Havana part of the Carpathians. He is a band leader first (Vladdy Ricardo's Latin Orchestra), a vampire second.Lucy Ricardo (Ruth Chow): A native of California, she met Vladdy while attending Columbia (he worked swing shift at the med school blood bank and bussed tables at the Bat Cave, a vampire club in Spanish Harlem). Lucy knows that Vlad is a vampire, but hopes that modern science might have a cure soon.Vladdy Ricardo Jr. (LW Boy): Also known as Little Wooden Vlad, Little Vladdy, or just Vladdy Jr. He is about to turn 3. He is not quite a vampire, nor is he entirely human. Neither modern science nor literary criticism theory is able to explain Vladdy Jr.'s existence or status, which is just fine with the Ricardo's.Ethel Mertz (Jessica): Lucy's best friend and upstairs neighbor. She thinks Lucy's big secret is that Vladdy does not have a green card.Fred Van Helsing Mertz (Steve George): Ethel's husband and a friend of Vladdy's. He doesn't care that Vladdy doesn't have a green card (Vladdy does), but wonders if the Ricardo's will raise Vladdy Jr. as a Catholic.Mina "Boom-Boom" Harker (Jennie Redwitz): Exotic dancer, occasional dance instructor, and ex-girlfriend of Vladdy. She is managed by her husband, Johnny.Jonathan "Johnny" Harker (Greg Chow): Former lawyer, now full time manager for Mina. Favorite singer: Frank Sinatra.

The Props

LW Boy

Basket for Little Vladdy

Sign: "Ricardo Residence"

Sign: "A While Later"

Sign: "Welcome Carpathia High Grads"

The Script

Cathleen comes up towards the front of the hall, well before the stage, and speaks to the guests.

Cathleen: And now, let us imagine a different history for Vlad the Impaler; one in which he was drawn to a different Lucy... a more modern Lucy...

VLADDY: "It was Herr Van Helsing's final wish that you should receive the Van Helsing family legacy and some portion of the estate. To expedite matters, we have booked passage by ship and train to Carpathia for you and your wife. We hope to see you soon.

"Yours sincerely,

"Hawkins, Seward, Holmwood & Morris, Esquires"

LUCY: "Dear Count, As part of our special reunion celebration, we would like to invite you and your Latin Orchestra to come and play at the Reunion Ball. We hope that you and the band can come.

VLADDY: Van Helsing was a famous vampire hunter. He nearly caught me a couple of times before I decided to come to America.

LUCY: Do you think that Fred is going to find out who you really are?

VLADDY: Not if I can help it.

LUCY: But you can. You and the band just got an invitation to your high school reunion. They want you to play at the ball.

VLADDY: Really?

LUCY: What if we go with Fred and Ethel? You can keep them out of trouble and find out what this legacy is, and Fred won't suspect a thing.

VLADDY: That's a great idea honey. Here, let's seal this letter back up and get it to Fred. Then bring him and Ethel back here. Don't forget to act surprised when I mention that we're going to Carpathia.

LUCY: OK. [exit LUCY]

Hold up sign: "A little later...." Enter FRED, followed by ETHEL and LUCY.

FRED: Vladdy, you home?

VLADDY: Oh, hi Fred. How are you?

FRED: You'll never guess what I just got in the mail.

VLADDY: What's that, Fred?

FRED: Boat and Train tickets to Carpathia. My great uncle on my mother's side passed away, and I have to go over there to claim my inheritance.

VLADDY: What a coincidence, Fred. I just got an invitation to my high school reunion in Carpathia.

[Enter ETHEL and LUCY.]

ETHEL: Did you say Carpathia?

VLADDY: Sure did, Ethel. [to Lucy] Honey, we just got an invitation for my high school reunion in Carpathia next month.

LUCY: Say. I have an idea. Since we're all going to Carpathia, why don't we see if we can travel together?

ETHEL: That's a wonderful idea. Lucy and I can go shopping while you boys play shuffleboard.

FRED: Now don't start spending money we don't have yet, Ethel. How about it, Vladdy? Maybe you can show us some of the sights back home.

VLADDY: Sure Fred. There are lots of sights to see on the Road to Carpathia.

ETHEL: Come on Lucy, let's go pick out something to wear on the Road to Carpathia.

ALL TOGETHER: [singing] We're off on the Road to Carpathia We certainly do get around.

FRED: [Fred channels Bela Lagosi] I can hear everything. Do you hear them out there.

[Sound cue for wolf howls] The Children of the Night. Such music.

VLADDY: Cut it out Fred. You lost blood. That doesn't give you an accent.

FRED: Oh.

ETHEL: What happened, Fred?

FRED: I went to the buffet with Mina, and then she bit me.

MINA: Oh, oh. I think we used the wrong plan, Johnny.

JOHNNY: [to FRED] Hey there, big guy. No offense, we were just trying to help Vladdy and keep you out of trouble.

VLADDY: Well, it's too late now.

ETHEL: What do you mean, too late? He's walking and talking. Really pale, but walking and talking.

VLADDY: Ethel, your husband is now a Vampire. He will need fresh blood every two or three days. Unless someone puts a stake through his heart, cut his head off, and stuff his mouth full of garlic, he will live forever.

ETHEL: Wah!

LUCY: Don't cry, Ethel. You'll get use to it. After all, Vladdy is one of them.

ETHEL: Really? I don't see him going hunting every night.

VLADDY: No, no. Too much work. I'm part owner of a blood bank. Twice a week, I drop by for a transfusion. When I travel, I carry it in powder form. [pulls out zip lock bag, begin commercial section]

Tired of hunting down your meals when far from home? Try Vladdy's "Hemo-Quik[tm]". Just add water. One little box can last you a week.