Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ways in which I horrify the neighbors:

1. Sitting outside at all hours of the night and morning in my frilly nightgown, smoking cigarettes.The bright red hair does not help my reputation.2. Driving down the curvy street while talking on my cell phone. I hate myself for this and yet can't help it.3. Not having curtains almost anywhere. I'm waiting for "window treatments" but I've been waiting for five years, and I guess I've finally figured out that "window treatments" don't just appear out of nowhere--you have to actually hire someone to come and make them. Meanwhile, the house is like a stage. Or the set of an opera, more like, with lots of shouting and gesturing and singing.4. Shouting "Hello!" at everyone on the street and then making conversation. It's entirely possible they just want to go home and make dinner. But there's so much of interest to discuss! 5. Letting my children walk around barefoot in the summer. Everywhere. Unless there is a scooter or bicycle involved, in which case there is a lot of annoying shouting, out in the street, about the Reasons Shoes Exist.6. Yelling randomly out the windows "AMANDA ARE YOU WITH CHRISTOPHER OR JAMEER AND IF SO IS THERE AN ADULT WITH YOU YOU'D BETTER ANSWER ME NOW OR THERE'S NO TV FOR WEEKS!"7. The neighbors tend to invite me to drinks more than I invite them. What they don't realize is that they are welcome for drinks any time! All they have to do is what they normally do--knock and then walk right in--only they should go ahead and help themselves from the fridge too.8. Using their driveways as turnarounds.9. Bitching about their ill-behaved dogs, except for the single well-behaved dog on the street, who luckily happens to live next door.10. Not painting my house for years, and then painting it badly.11. Getting a dumpster once a year, which always causes some great fuss--"Oh are you fixing the house?"--as though it needs to be fixed! Well, okay. But then the inevitable disappointment when I say "No, we're just throwing a buncha stuff away."12. Forgetting everyone's name unless they are a child, eccentric, or famous.13. Leaving piles of children's toys out back, as though no one can see them.14. Throwing the old Christmas trees over the back deck. This is not as bad as it sounds, since it's woods out there and we're actually recycling.15. Oh, not recycling anything but Christmas trees. And having to tell people at parties "You do know that the act of recycling is actually more environmentally objectionable than landfills." Mmm, that goes over real well.16. Leaving my John Kerry sign up for six months in protest.

Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.