Surrender is definitely on the hardest things for drunks like me to do, but there is a woman in my group that always says that " surrender isn't losing the battle, surrender just means you are moving over to the winning side"

I don't think I can truly let go. I want to, but I always find myself holding onto some. Only time I realize I was holding on is only when I am in pain.

Recently, I found I am holding onto my biggest fear, taking a drink again. I knew He is the only thing standing between my life and the next drink. Yet, I wanted to manage. My Alky mind rise above the level of defiance, and reach the level of stupidity.

True freedom from the bondage is letting our ultimate fear go. Maybe then, I would take the first step on that arch. I want to walk a free man. God is. God is. Mercy me, my Lord. For I am stupid and sturburn.

I knew He is the only thing standing between my life and the next drink.

You may find it helpful to read pages 58-64, in the Big Book.

I'd suggest finding more than "He" to be standing between Life and the next drink.

"He" can become an imaginary figure to us, without persistent "works". Step-works, and particularly Step-12-Works. Faith without works is dead -- that's why action and more action are always mandatory and not suggestive, in regards to recovery and sobriety.