AskMen.com is a men's lifestyle website founded in August 1999 by Ricardo Poupada, Christopher Bellerose Rovny, and Luis Rodrigues. Thanks to the collapse of their main competitor, they were able to corner the market on loser jerkoff's who are desperate to learn the shortcuts that will make them, at the most, semi-successful jerkoff's. The site claims 7.2 million unique visitors, likely unique only in that they all lacked stable father figures who were willing to teach them how to be real men. Or, since that hasn't really been unique for some time, unique in that they're all too scared to step out into the real world and learn on their own via the tried and true, all-time greatest method of breaking men in: experience.

Anyways, every year the head honcho jerkoff's get together and compile a list of 99 famous women outside of the adult film community whom they masturbate to the most and release it on their site. I checked it out to see whom these chicken chokers consider desirable.

It was the usual: ugly teens who lucked out in adulthood; C-grade starlets; braindead models who get checks outside of the physical beauty department for humanitarian work they probably delegate to assistants; Charlize Theron. No surprises, just the same starstruck fantasies I'm used to reading in Esquire, except with poorer writing and put in list-form. But there was something that did irk me - #2, Megan Fox, the T&A from that big-budget car commercial a couple years back.

I never much liked this girl. Looks-wise, her kind's a dime a dozen, but the way she's sold really irks me. That stench of the 'risque', and not even the geniune kind! It's that bad-girl shit advertisers piss their pants over, all that 'this is the girl you can't bring home to Mom and Dad' bull. On the cover of GQ in a black bikini against a red background with your tongue stickin' out; who do you take me for, a complete moron?!

I feel sorry for this man. Just Beverly Hills 90210, and 10 years later he's still at rock-bottom.

If I wanted a slut, I'd have the good sense to hook up with one who wasn't known nationwide. And she isn't even a real one! The only kind of sexuality she oozes is the committee-approved kind, aided by supportive lighting, tight costumes, and a pervert behind the camera.

If I'm going to live in a country where an AskMen.com can exist, then they had better well choose the correct women to be considered desirable! Those blowjob hacks think I'm going to fall for this ruse, to have this faux-tart foisted upon me as a goddess whom I and every American male must worship, to accept that she is desirable, up and down, no questions asked...well, they've got another thing coming. This is Scam America! That sort of horseshit doesn't fly around here.

Don't bother with her, boys. Quit paying attention to her just because the establishment says you should jerk off to her. There are adult entertainers for that; it's their job. They provide a vital service to the American economy. Your semen drives their industry! Why give it to some wannabe floozy whose self-enflated ego wouldn't let her give you the time of day? Pornographers will work for your attention.

Is there more to Megan Fox than meets the eye? No. She's basically that girl in high school you gave up on when you realized how much shit you'd have to put up with just to get the rare blowjob. Nothin' special.

P.S. If you're going to choose any starlet worth salivating over, why not go for the real Hollywood bird, the cokehead of easy virtue, the one constantly smuggling those big, freckled melons, who actually backs up her lesbian urges. You go, girl.P.P.S.Men's portal? I believe that should be the tagline of a different kind of men's magazine.