Are You Tired of Your Cat Being SO DAMN QUIET ALL THE TIME? You’re SO STUPID! Buy Cat Armor.

I can’t pretend like I can write anything about this with a straight face, so I’ll let the “official product description” speak for itself. And hopefully you understand the Always Sunny reference in my title, or else I just look like a crazy person.

“100% wearable, flexible, and comfortable, the Cat Battle Armor is a for-reals armor harness for your kitty. Completely hand-made from durable veg-tan leather, this is no mere costume piece. Your cat will become an unstoppable force for slaughter in this fully articulated suit, shielding him/her from foes while allowing unimpeded movement across the battlefield or living room floor. The imposing torso section features several riveted, articulated plates and a terrifying rack of dorsal spines. Your cat’s hindquarters are sheathed beneath exquisitely arrayed overlapping scales stitched to a soft leather backing, adorned with nickel silver dome rivets. Midnight black scales and plates are finished with a glossy protective coat and seamlessly join together like the petals of a deadly flower. Adjustable at the collar with elastic and two nickel silver buckles, and at the belly with grommeted corset-style lacing for a secure, comfortable fit.”

So buy some motherflippin’ cat armor here. One more picture of the cat surprisingly not freaking the f*** out below:

About The Author

Paul

I think I'm a part of the first generation of journalists to skip print media entirely, and I've learned a lot these last few years at Forbes. My work has appeared on TVOvermind, IGN, and most importantly, a segment on The Colbert Report at one point.