Genevieve: I can’t get down with savory ice cream. I know it’s a thing that people are doing now and I just… can’t.

TK: I got no problem with savory ice cream. And I got no problem with mayonnaise.

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULD LET THEM MATE LIKE SOME SORT OF GOD DAMNED ABOMINATION.

Genevieve: We have taken the mayo thing WAY too far. Like, it’s a fine condiment. The freshly made kind is especially nice. But people are treating it like four-year-olds treat ketchup.

TK: I mean, I like a nice Boston Creme donut, and I like tuna salad. BUT.

Tori: I’m holding out for Miracle Whip ice cream. It’ll be zestier

Jodi: That made me snort-laugh

TK: Tori.
Stop.
No.

Tori: (I do genuinely prefer Miracle Whip for reasons I can’t even begin to articulate, and probably don’t make any sense.)

TK: And just like that, our brains are no longer joined. You inhuman monster.

Tori: BOOM.

Kristy: I’ve had savory ice creams that I liked. Red bean. Lobster. But Mayonnaise? No. No thank you. It’s a condiment, not a flavor unto itself. I also would not like ketchup, mustard or relish ice cream.

Jodi: Garlic ice cream is tasty too

Tori: I’ve had Sriracha beer before. Condiments should just be condiments.

Kristy: Ugh. Miracle Whip is why I will not trust other people’s potato salads. Potato salad should not be sweet

TK: I’ve had bacon ice cream and it was the balls. I went to a sushi joint that once served ginger ice cream with slivers of raw salmon through it, and it was amazing. But we’ve got to have some law.

Kristy: That sounds amazing. The Lobster ice cream had that sweet flavor of lobster, with little bits of the meat in the mix. But the ice cream was also salted, so it felt very oceany. It was kind of awesome.
Now, I GUESS a mayo and lobster ice cream swirl would work, in a like lobster roll way. Top it with chives. But mayo ice cream on its own, no.

Tori: Honestly, I don’t use mayo (or miracle whip) at all anymore. Almost any recipe that calls for it can can use greek yogurt instead. The only time I want mayo is as an lazy dip for artichokes. Though I guess tuna needs mayo.
I’d buy it for that.

Genevieve: When I lived alone and could be gross like this, I’d take some mayo and grate fresh garlic and black pepper into it and use it as a dipping sauce for like, pizza crusts. It’s lazy aioli.

Tori: The second you grate fresh garlic it’s no longer lazy tho! It’s fancy! You made a FANCY crust-dip.

Genevieve: I appreciate your praise of my work to make pizza even less healthy.

TK: That’s what ranch is for, IMO.

Tori: Eeeeew

TK: TORI.

Tori: Look, we agree on lots of things except our preferences for creamy condiments. It had to happen. There’ll always be hot sauce, right?

TK: Truth

Tori: Can we agree on hot sauce?

Genevieve: Here’s the thing, if ranch dressing got rebranded as American-style Aioli all the hip bars would be serving their own versions.

TK: Totally true.

Tori: Hell, Brooklyn had that hipster mayo store a few years ago: “Brooklyn’s Artisanal Mayo Shop Is Dead (For Now).” It’s all Hellmann’s from here on out.

TK: Artisanal mayo. God help us.

Tori: I never went, but they had fancy mayo flavors apparently. Like sriracha (duh) and coffee. What would you ever use COFFEE MAYO on?

Kristy: I remember that mayo store was a joke on SNL and I thought only a joke. sigh.

TK: Coffee mayo? Is there no bottom to this mayo depravity?

(Image via Esquire)

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.