In Our Mouths

Restaurant reviews from eaters of distinction.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

JOE MCPUPPET IS BACK and EATING!!

VeNue: A SidewaLk.
TYPE OF food: Dog poppp!
Witness: ASHLey!@

Here it is: A little secne for you "goodChristians' to think about in your littlte church nexzt SUnday! Chew on this for a milion years and try to concretete on PREACHR Man telling you all ab out Jesus waiting and waiting and waitng and waitn for you, He lovesyou sooooomuch. DOGSHIT!

which is what Joe eats on this day. And Ashely is the wtiness. The dog took a ppoop and Joe said, well, won't who cares, my SAVior doesn't care for JOe's everlasting soul.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

NAME OF ESTABLIDSHMENT: Some church somewhere
LOCATION: "Not" in Hell (?) You decide!@
TYPOE OOF CUISINE: Blood and flesh
HISTORY: THe history of the world has peopled with people trying to silence the voice of my genearatin!
WHAT HAPPENED: I went to Chruch for a joke! A big laughand they said blah and ablah and blah and somore blah blah and blah. THen they said kneel! I woulde not kne3el. "We have food for you" WHAT IS IT?! It is the blood of the lord and his Body! "Youare all a bunch of zombies!!!!" And they were and they ARE!!
SO WHAT HAPPENED?THINK ABOUT IT! For one minute, THINK People!

Name of establishment: Manila Good Ha!
Type of cuisine (food): Filipino
Location: Los Angeles Mid-Wishire District (Sixth near Catalina)
Occasion: Lunch
History: Unknown
Décor: This place occupies a dirty little corner of a 1960's stripmall. Above the steamtables, there are faded color photocopies of dishes of food. None of the food is recognizable, though the yellow clouds may represent rice.
Experience: I had the grey meat in sauce and the cabbagey-thing. The grey meat resided in a savory grey sauce; not spicy yet heavily spiced, if you can hear what I'm saying. The cabbagey-thing was delicious, chewy, and almost sweet. The server had to send one of the cooks out from the kitchen to take my order, as my Tagalog skills are lacking. I ate quickly, because I normally eat pretty fast. I was dining alone as well, which makes for shorter restaurant experiences. I will certainly revisit Manila Good Ha! and try the orange-sauce fish-thing.
Mandatory Zombie Reference: The grey meat was human flesh. I hunger for more.

Type of cuisine (food): Thai
Location: Toronto
Occasion: Dinner with friend
History: Unknown
Décor: Humble tables surrounded by humble chairs, with the heads of flowers floating in bowls of water on each table, all under the careful supervision of a painting of the king of Thailand
Today's experience: My friend Lisa and I had exactly one hour in which to dine, and Mong-Kut seemed as good a place as any to do it, particularly since on this particular Monday night we would have the restaurant to ourselves. We seated ourselves by the window as our server, a young Asian girl with short hair and a nervous smile, brought us menus and glasses of water. Lisa and I chatted as we glanced idly at our menus, and the minutes flew by without our noticing. Soon enough, our server had returned. She refilled our glasses, pulled out a notepad and asked if we were ready to order. We apologized and asked if we could have another moment, please. Our server stared at us blankly for several moments, while letting out a low, deep gurgling noise, before heading back to the kitchen. Exchanging amused glances, Lisa and I now flipped through our menus again. I skimmed briefly and settled upon the first thing I recognized, the pad thai, but Lisa continued to peruse the menu at length, frequently emitting little sighs (Lisa is currently breastfeeding her son, Jackie, and tries to avoid eating anything with nuts or dairy in it for his sake, so she was finding it harder to choose). Before long, our server had returned, and was holding up her notepad expectantly. Lisa very humbly asked if she could have just one more minute, at which point our server’s jaw dropped open, further than seemed right, and a deep brownish-black ooze poured out of her mouth onto our table. I raised an eyebrow at Lisa, who just kind of shrugged with her face. Fortunately, after a moment or two, our server finished up and headed back to the kitchen. At this point Lisa leaned over the table, careful to avoid the foul-smelling ooze, and mentioned that she was having trouble finding anything on the menu that didn’t contain brains. I opened my menu and read it more carefully and, indeed, it seemed that every item on the menu contained human brains. “My god,” I whispered. “I think this is actually a restaurant for the unholiest of the unholy undead  zombies.”
So what happened?: We overcame our prejudices and tried something different, and found it surprisingly good. We’ll be back.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Yianni's

Type of cuisine (food): Greek
Location: Claremont
Occasion: Lunch with wife
Known restaurant history: Yianni's has been at the core of the downtown Claremont eating scene for at least a few decades. They used to be known for their excellent saganaki (fried Kasseri cheese) and avgolemono (Greek lemon soup). For the last five years or so, Yianni's has actively sucked (it might even be ten years now that they have sucked). Most of my friends avoid going there and I have heard tales from coworkers who said they have gotten ill after eating there.
Restaurant decor: Tired furnishings and plastic fruits. 70's ambiance with forced Greek motif. Frantic Greek music playing just loud enough to always be noticed.
So why go there?: Wife sick, so we sought soup.
Today's experience: As we entered the restaurant, one of the owners noticed us and retreated into the back. A tall, thin male of undetermined age in a white apron escorted us to our table. He handed us menus and took our drink order. We both ordered coffee. He tried pouring water into the glasses on our table (using one of those clear plastic pitchers) and spilled quite a bit (he does not know the time-honored method of pouring the ice-water out the side of the pitcher). He was sporting a shaved head and active acne. When he went back to prepare our coffee, my wife asked if I noticed how much the guy was sweating. I had not noticed, as I had been too busy watching the spilly-water show. I looked back at the bar in the back of the restaurant and could see what my wife was talking about: This guy was perspiring big-time. He also appeared to be making two cups of instant coffee! The owner of the restaurant was visible chatting with a friend in the background behind the bar. I heard him scold our waiter...something about getting our order. Mr. Sweaty brought our coffee, set it on the table, and took our order. He appeared distracted and had competing sweat droplets fighting gravity from both the tip of his nose and his chin. When he left, we noticed that the coffee was lukewarm. I watched as my wife scraped some instant coffee granules from the side of her cup. There were only two other tables with customers. It was at that point when I noticed that the customers were not people, but dining corpses. Two tables over from us, a group of three undead sat eating their lunch in slow motion. They had no noticable affectations; they were simply going through the mechanics of eating (zombies are clever and try to appear "normal" to humans). A lone zombie sat at a table in the far corner, in the dark. This zombie was a male who would be about 50 if he still had vital signs. He was not eating or drinking. He was just sitting...oh--he was wearing oversized sunglasses and had long graying hair.
So what happened?: We decided to leave. I went up to Mr. Sweaty and threw two dollars and about 9 quarters on the bar. I told him that my wife and I did not feel good and were leaving...to cancel our order. I also said we were sorry. He looked up and from deep within him a noise came out. Though his lips didn't move, I heard "Is there a problem?" Sweat was nearly spraying out of his face--I had figured it out! This guy seemed to be coked to the gills. We promptly left Yianni's, vowing never to return. The coke-fiends and corpses can drink all the tepid instant coffee they want.