I'm not sure if what i'm going through is either i am being re-victimized all over again and looking for approval from my family or if i'm stuck in the worlwind of confusion,fear,resentment and anger based feelings of lonlieness.

Christmas time of this year was horrible for me mentally and emotionally, i had a HUGE blowout with my brother after years of holding onto my abuse as a kid from my mother.

I am an alcoholic who cannot drink in safety,although i have been for about a month now off and on, i had a nip of vodka about a 1/2 hour ago and all i keep thinking about is how do i stop this self destructive behavior not to mention i am hiding the drinking from my fiancee.

I really dont care at this point if she finds out but i have been doing a pretty damn good job of hiding the drinking.

Anyway can this behavior corelate with the abuse and my telling my brother therefore i'm drinking because i dont want to think about or deal with the feelings of sadness,shame and guilt i know is eating me up inside or is it just i want to drink...who knows but i feel so powerless to do anything about it,my fiancee understands my issues from my childhood and all of the drama and chaos that goes right along with drinking and not dealing with the pain of stuffing the emotions.

Will i recover to the point of taking a good look at why i am drinkng and all the crap it will cause me or will my wife to be and the life we're building together fall apart before my eyes and then it will be too late.

She has already told me you need to deal with your abuse in therapy and the drinking must stop,this was about 2 weeks ago therefore she thinks i have not drank since.

For whatever reason im doing this to myself it will otherwise kill me and then have no one to blame but myself and how do i come clean with my fiancee lisa.

Coop

Top

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

Hey, Coop.Recovery is ALWAYS possible.It's ALWAYS up to you.YOU have the capacity within you to heal.YOU know what you need to do. If you have AA connections, I urge you to reach out. Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, work the steps. 90 in 90, isn't that the drill? If you're not in AA, what did you use to get sober? You've done it before, you can do it again.I think about Trish's sig file at times like this. One more time, you can pick yourself up one more time.Peace,HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

For me, it wasn't alcohol. My personal escape was marijuana. I lived to simply get high, what I didn't realize is why I "needed" it. When I did remember about my abuse, for me, nothing was easier to just kill that habit. I spent so long being numb, that I am enjoying the good or bad emotions.

Recovery is very much possible for everyone. Its a hard road to be fair, mine has been rougher than hell, but I am attempting to get myself to a better place. Never give up on Hope, Never give up on Recovery.

A big step is admitting there is a problem. Good for you! AA will be a must for your recovery. It will help you. You will find support.There will be others, just like you, that you can lean on. Your GF needs to get into Al-anon. This will help her too. This is for those affected by someone else's drinking.(I was a long time member of the latter as my father was an alcoholic.)

Good luck and keep on fighting the good fight to get healthy!Lorraine

Edited by lorraine (02/14/0807:02 AM)

_________________________
I can do nothing to change my childhood but I am in the driver's seat now as an adult!

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.