Eww ... A Consumer Reports study discovered that 97 percent of the raw chicken breasts they bought nationwide had potentially harmful bacteria on it. Chicken, as the report points out, is the No. 1 killer when it comes to food poisoning. Above, I've helpfully included a photo of what a chicken without potentially deadly salmonella might look like.

Fly the Hungry Skies: A Pakistan International Airlines flight from Lahore that was bound for New York was delayed for two hours because the pilot wanted a sandwich delivery from a five-star hotel. The foodie flier was so set on a decent meal--the inflight menu only included chips, peanuts and cookies--that he held up the flight even after being told how long it might take. No word on whether he sent the sandwich back because they forgot to take off the pickles. I bet he didn't tip either way.

Pucker Up! Chef Carles Tejedor uses a close-up video of mouths, eyes, and even the hairs on arms to demonstrate how the human body reacts to eating various tastes and textures.

Kings of New York: Carbone and ZZ's Clam Bar sit on the top of the charts of Grub Street's 2013 restaurant power rankings, though the "[h]igh prices, theatrical concepts, no-holds-barred executions of raw fish and red-sauce standards, and hard-to-crack reservations policies" made them love 'em or hate 'em joints.

No Regular Joe: Looking for a gift for the loved one in your life who loves coffee? I mean really, really loves coffee? Loves it so much that he or she would go into a caffeinated fit over one of only 1,000 new limited-edition $450 Starbucks cards in rose-colored base metal that automatically bequeaths gold-level Starbucks membership and chances for free beverages with use? Then you should get your loved one the gift of an intervention--no one should love any hot beverage that much. But if you buy into that whole conspicuous consumption thing, you can buy the new metal Starbucks cards at Gilt starting today at noon. Just be quick about it--the last batch sold out within seconds.

Quarter Pounder, Hold the Weed: A Wendy's customer found a half-smoked joint in her cheeseburger in Georgia, after the employee put down her blunt--on top of the pickle--and forgot about it. The worker was fired and arrested. And dammit, TMZ already made the "burger joint" pun. The pot-brained misadventure had nothing to do with yesterday's nationwide fast-food strike, which earned the sympathy of new labor secretary Tom Perez.

Cheerio! Remember that Cheerios ad from spring that featured a family with a black dad, a white mom, and a very cute little kid? Yep, the one that unleashed a disheartening outpouring of racist blather on the Internet. Well, General Mills has bought ad time for the Super Bowl this year, and the same agency that did that commercial is doing this one as well, which General Mills is promising will be "a beautiful story about a family and their love for each other." Grub Street hypothesizes that the commercial may feature an update on the same interracial family as a big ol' middle finger to the kind of troglodytic morons who have a problem with cereal commercials with multiracial families. You can see the morally offensive ad that caused all the ruckus above.

The No-Nos of Asian Food: Do you stick your chopsticks straight up in your food? Use chopsticks for Thai or Filipino food? Pour your own sake in the Japanese joint? You definitely need to brush up on your (East and Southeast) Asian-food etiquette. One tip the Thrillist round-up neglects: Don't rub your cheap wooden chopsticks together after taking them out of the paper sleeve and separating them--you're rubbing off luck. (Got more? Share them here!)

The Buzz on Baristas' Least Favorite Customers: Buzzfeed gets baristas to 'fess up about what kinds of customers they hate the most. Here are a few tips: Don't use Splenda, don't order in Starbucks sizes, put away your phone, don't ordered flavored latte, don't get blended-ice drinks. Kinda makes you want to just make it at home and carry around a thermos.

Time to Stock Up on Big Macs: That is, if you're into fast food. On Thursday, fast-food employees in 100 cities will walk off the job to protest the current minimum wage of $7.25--they want $15 an hour. The National Restaurant Association says that the protests are a PR stunt by labor unions, and that the strikes will probably be made up mostly of union members. An organizer for Fast Food Forward, however, says that the protesters are in earnest, and understand that it'll be a long fight. Everyone else says that Thursday is probably not a good day to ask for extra ketchup at the drive-thru.

Sounds Kosher: Forbes tries to forecast the next big food trend, and offers up the possibility that we'll all be singing the praises of Manischewitz in a few months, especially if producers learn to market the pareve seal to people with food allergies, conquer the "double-edged sword" of its Jewish identity, and take advantage of the fact that Americans have more trust in religious authorities than they do in government agencies. And man, does a kosher chicken make for a tasty roast!

California Girl: Alice Water sits down for a chat with PBS's Judy Woodruff and talks up simple, local ingredients, and says that foods are more flavorful than they were a generation ago. She's too humble to mention, however, that she played no small role in that.

Hot Stuff! Comedian Kyle Kinane launched an epic Twitter war against Pace Salsa over the holiday weekend, which led to a "blackmail for salsa" scheme, the invocation of Winnie from The Wonder Years, strangers dropping off salsa at his home, the totally suspicious silencing of two Pace spokesmen, and a bizarre corporate meltdown unfolding right in public. The best part? Kinane was being pranked by another comedian the entire time. Take that, um ... Twitter-using comedians with strong opinions about salsa?

1. Immaculate Infatuation writer Chris Stang revealed recently that he was kicked out of Per Se in September. Why was he given the boot?a) He demanded to see Thomas Keller because his soup was cold. b) A member of his party became aggressively drunk and pawed a hostess. c) A member of his party was 45 minutes late. d) They weren't wearing "appropriate clothing"--i.e., flip-flops.

2. Jon Stewart called for a truce in the New York-Chicago pizza wars after an on-set visit from which Windy City luminary?a) Rahm Emanuel b) Vince Vaughn c) Buddy Guy d) Marc Malnati (of Lou Malnati's)

3. Described by the Sotheby's head of wine as "[g]lorious black truffles bouquet .... This wine should be censored," the 1978 Romanee-Conti holds the distinction of ...a) ... having been bathed in by Larry Flynt. b) ... recently becoming the most expensive case of wine ever sold at auction. c) ... recently becoming the only Burgundy sold under estimated value at Sotheby's. d) ... having just become the first "extinct" wine from Burgundy in the 1970s.

4. The Harvard University class election was won by students Samuel Clark and Guy Mayopoulous, who promptly promised to resign as soon as possible once they learned they'd been elected. One of the major parts of their party platform was the promise of thicker toilet paper. What was the other?a) making "second breakfast" an official meal on campusb) a ban on GMOs, as well as lime-, blue-raspberry- and other unnaturally colored gelatin, in the cafeteria c) lifting the rule against hot plates in dorm roomsd) tomato basil ravioli soup at every meal

5. When he learned that these items would soon be unavailable forever, Mario Batali immediately placed an order for 200 of them. What were they?a) orange Crocs b) bottles of 1978 Romanee-Conti c) Ligurian black truffles d) Le Creuset 8-quart Dutch ovens

Fish Tales:Can a fish farm be organic? That's the question NPR's The Salt poses, and the conundrum that the federal government faces as it considers whether to start issuing an organic label for aquaculture. It's a tricky question when you realize that the current rules are based on soil.

The Waterboy: America's first water sommelier--that's right, a sommelier for water--speaks to Vice about his job, the hate mail he gets, and what about the U.S. almost made him move back to Germany. Martin Riese, who's in charge of the 43-page water list at Ray's and Stark Bar in L.A., also recommends Vichy Catalan water for hangovers. And nope, he doesn''t drink tap water, as if that should surprise you.

They Reign in Spain: La Furia Roja gets its eighth three-star restaurant in the 2014 Michelin Guide to Spain and Portugal. The newcomer to the winner's circle is Madrid's Diverxo, which is known for breaking down the boundaries between Asian and Western cooking. For those keeping score, Spain now has eight three-star restaurants (including the current No. 1, El Cellar de Can Roca), behind Western Japan (with 14) and Germany (11), but ahead of New York City (seven) and Great Britain (four).

Oh, SNAP! The number of people on food stamps has steadily dropped as the economy has improved, according to a D.C. research group, with the biggest declines in Utah and North Dakota. In those states, 6 percent fewer people participated in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program in August 2013 than in August 2012. But factors including the recent end to stimulus funding for the program also played a role, the group noted. The food-stamp program is at the heart of the prolonged battle over the farm bill--Republicans want to reduce funding for the $78 billion-a-year program by $40 billion over the next decade, saying it's become a prime example of government waste.

Second City Blues: First of all, the Sears Tower (I'm not calling it the Willis) gets downgraded to second-tallest building in the U.S. behind New York's Freedom Tower, and now New York-based comedian Jon Stewart rails against the Chicago-style pizza (both deep dish and stuffed, I presume), calling it "tomato soup in a bread bowl." As a proud fan of both styles (stuffed, not deep-dish, when it comes to Chicago), and also as someone who likes to make both at home, I say it's apples and oranges. They're just ... different. In other words, please don't make me choose sides on this one.

Conspicuous Consumption: Taking the concepts of the Luther Burger and the Ramenburger to their obvious conclusion, a pair of adventurous eaters in Melbourne, Australia, scarf down the Douche Burger--wagyu beef, foie gras, and jalapeno, lime and mayonnaise sauces--and lament the downfall of man. Note that this $20 Australian Douche Burger is not the same as the $666 New York Douche Burger (foie gras-stuffed Kobe beef with champagne-steam-melted Gruyere topped with lobster, truffles, caviar and kopi luwak barbecue sauce), which was intentionally invented as a joke.

Counting Your Chickens ... That chicken you saw running across the street the other day was neither a grade-school joke come to life nor a flashback to Orange Is the New Black. It seems that all those hipster urban chicken keepers--remember that fad? We even have a separate category tag for it--are abandoning their birds once they're past egg-laying age. That's just cracked.

Big Mac With a Side of Homophobia: Two Manhattan men are suing McDonald's, claiming that when they tried to order food at one New York franchise last year, the cashier refused to serve them, assuming they were gay and saying that homosexuality was "not what God wants." Then another employee allegedly handed the cashier a metal pipe and encouraged him to attack the men. To top things off, the cops that the would-be customers called ended up arresting them instead. The moral of the story? Bad things happen to you when you go to McDonald's.

Didn't We Just Talk About Drinking During Pregnancy? Yeah, we did. Turns out yet another study finds that eight out of 10 women drink while pregnant. This is, however, a study that was conducted in Australia, so insert your favorite Australian stereotype here. Bonus points if you tie it back to the Douche Burger from above.

A Little Whine With Dinner: The world is facing a wine shortage. Let me repeat that: The world is facing a wine shortage! As in, we're 300 million cases short. And who even knew my old pal Tater was coming over for dinner? But seriously, blame the Chinese.

Who Reviews the Reviewers? Lawyers in California have filed a class-action lawsuit on behalf of Yelp reviewers who claim they're owed back pay as unpaid journalists, and that Yelp "could not exist, nor make its enormous returns, without its domination and control over non-wage writers." Overworked, underappreciated, and underpaid? Hey, they really are journalists! Bad-dum-dum!

Hot Stuff! The California town of Irwindale
is asking a judge to shut down the Sriracha factory, saying that the smells and fumes emanating from the plant make local residents feel as if they're living in a constant cloud of pepper spray. Obviously, the ideal solution would see Sriracha production remain untouched and
the Irwindalians live without an unquechable thirst for
Vietnamese iced coffees -- but if it ends up that there's a Sriracha
warehouse to clear out in a jiffy, I humbly offer my services. I'll just
need several hundred bowls of pho and a thousand summer rolls.

World's Biggest ... What weighs over 45 pounds, measures over 3 1/4 feet, and comes with a gallon of sweet-and-sour sauce?

They Both Had It Coming: If you're one of the many people who do all they can to avoid reading about a certain platinum-haired TV chef of questionable taste and talent, then don't click on this link. Really, don't do it.

Some days I almost envy people so busy with work and family and real life that they can tune out the news. The longer the government shutdown goes on, though, the riskier that looks. All the noise about "Washington gridlock" is canceling out some serious signals.

Yesterday the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had to call back furloughed staff to deal with an outbreak of salmonella in chicken that sickened nearly 300 people in 18 states. Everyone who rails that the government does no good may be reminded that food safety is something profit-driven businesses cannot be trusted to guarantee on their own. (Yes, I anticipate the rejoinder: Food companies have to be sure they don't kill anyone or they'll go out of business. So why were two cantaloupe packers just arrested for distributing melons infected with listeria that killed 33 people in 28 states?)

Some days it seems even journalists with secure jobs and benefits are tuning out the grim impact of the shutdown on the whole food system. At least Eater has started tracking how restaurants are getting hurt thanks to the attempted fragmentation of E Pluribus Unum, and today it has an update on how even craft brewers are losing their head.

The Place With the Buzz: Foursquare ranks the busiest coffee joints in America, and Cafe du Monde in New Orleans spanks the competition. Now wipe that powdered sugar from your lips and order me another chicory coffee, will ya?

Barilla in Hot Water: So, as you've probably heard, Barilla is in a ton of trouble after its president made comments saying he'd never use a gay family in an ad, and suggested that those homosexuals who had a problem with his beliefs could eat another brand. It didn't take long for folks to organize a boycott, and an apology from the president didn't stop that or the petition.

So ... are you boycotting Barilla, buying it in solidarity, or keeping this scandal out of the kitchen?

If Only There Were Some Part of the Home to Make Food In ... Drive-thrus are slower than they've ever been, meaning Americans have to wait some 200 seconds to scarf down chicken nuggets, deep-fried pies and onion rings. Gawker notes that this is probably the most pressing issue facing the U.S. today.

Junk Food: It used to be literal trash, used as fertilizer and given to imprisoned criminals, who rioted rather than eat it. Now it's a delicacy we'll travel hours to have. Read Business Insider's history of the lobster.

Much More Than a Soup: A riot breaks out at a Florida juvenile detention facility when a losing basketball team made up of boys from St. Petersburg refused to hand over to their Orlando rivals the agreed-upon prize, three packets of ramen noodles. The sheriff's department reported hundreds of thousands of dollars of property damage. Must've been the shrimp flavor.

Animal Farm: A reporter goes undercover for a year as a Walmart farm worker. Guess what? The job really sucks.

17 Heart Attacks on a Stick: You will gain 10 pounds and lose five years just looking at these 17 artery-clogging treats on sale at the Iowa State Fair. Most, as you may have guessed, are of the skewered, battered and deep-fried variety, but there is one interesting use of a waffle.