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How do we build a solid marital foundation to avoid becoming a statistic of divorce in the military?

Here’s what I’ve learned after many years as a military spouse. Studies show divorce within the ranks has fallen slightly in recent years, yet it has touched many of us personally or we know someone who has weathered that storm.

As marriage retreats, counseling and support programs attempt to provide an outlet for married couples to strengthen their foundation to survive the endless list of problems which can arise while on active duty, the responsibility rests on the couple to make it through life’s challenges. These programs, as terrific as they are, can only build upon the foundation the couple has.

My wife and I have been married for 17 years and we have heard that communication is the secret to marital bliss. Whenever that magical word would come up she would giggle and whisper that this seemingly simplistic concept would require me to do whatever she said. We both still get a chuckle out of that notion when it’s brought up because communication is far more profound and complicated than that.

There are books and workshops that can help military couples along the way. Whether you look in to “The 4 Seasons of Marriage” or “The 5 Love Languages” both by Gary Chapman, “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley Jr., or any of the countless literary sources out there, one core tenant resonates across the texts — couples need to engage with one another about everything.

As a married couple you are trying to constantly find common ground for 2 completely unique people. You both have hopes and dreams for your future together, so talk about them, look ahead together and nurture your partnership daily.

Communication strengthens trust.

Long hours, longer and more frequent deployments, and an unpredictable work environment tests the faith we have in one another.

The only way that bond can stay strong is discussing your life decisions together. Both spouses and service members need to share in the ups and downs.

Let’s be honest, the world is a busy place and we as spouses sometimes see the world differently than our service members. However when “they” say it’s time to change jobs, deploy or PCS always remember to keep your faith in one another. Understand that these stressful events are beyond your control and use that acceptance to bring you closer together as a couple.

The most important aspect of not becoming a statistic of divorce in this crazy military lifestyle is work. My wife and I have gone through our fair share of difficulties and have welcomed the opportunity to attend marriage retreats. Marriage retreats are terrific and can help inspire you to really look into your relationship.

During one of the workshops the leader of the session made a statement that rang true to me. The notion of “falling in love” is usually the beginning of how couples meet. That euphoric feeling where everything is perfect in the world.

Well I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but if you don’t work at your marriage that feeling of blissful intoxication won’t last.

To fall in love is easy.

To stay in that level of love is a challenge.

We all change over time so finding and maintaining that connection as a couple is key. As you think back to how your adventure as a team started, remember how much effort you were willing to put forth when you were dating. That level of energy should always be there.

None of us ever want to stop showing our loved ones how much they mean to us, we just have to remember where our priorities are when life begins to pick up speed.

Always try to take a moment, and be spontaneous to remind not only yourself but your spouse how much they mean to you. These moments don’t have to be extravagant. It could be a lunch date or a quiet walk around a park. The key element is it’s just the two of you, just like it was in the beginning.

Marriage is wonderful, rewarding work, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Some days are easier than others, but if you want to out last the storm of life you will need to roll up your proverbial sleeve and get your hands dirty.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors . You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

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Eventually, every parent needs to do it: contact the teacher.

But how and when? More importantly, how often?

Your child’s teacher can be your best ally. Trust me, teachers WANT to help you! But information and request overload can quickly add to the already staggering workload that educational professionals are carrying. So it’s important to observe a few guidelines and keep communication open.

Here are 7 ways that you can get what your child needs and keep the teacher happy at the same time.

7 Ways To Advocate For Your Child Without Annoying His Teacher

1. Start Early

Right from the get-go be kind and supportive. Ask the teacher if she needs anything for the classroom and then follow through. It might be tissues or hand sanitizer. It could also be helping to make copies or volunteering as a room parent.

This helps to create a relationship with your child’s teacher. If you are involved, you might get info about your child. You can also pick the teacher’s brain more easily. It might be questions about the math homework or the inside track on the big class project, but your physical (or virtual) presence helps you.

2. Small Notes

Teachers look at everything or try to. We check agenda books, homework and even little sticky notes. If you are concerned about something on the small side, send a note. From early dismissal to trouble on the homework or a question about the spelling assignment, the teacher will see it and be aware of the situation.

Sending in small notes like this, occasionally, keeps the dialogue open and lets the teacher know that you are an involved parent. She knows that you are helping your child with her schoolwork and want your child to succeed.

3. Email Etiquette

Email is the easiest way to get in touch these days. It’s fast, efficient and hassle free.

Except emails can get lost in the shuffle. There is also no “tone of voice” reader available.

When you email, be careful. Use precise language to communicate your concern, but try to keep the “tone” warm and friendly.

Even if you are upset.

Especially if you are upset.

Firing off accusations will put the teacher on the defensive and make progress even harder.

Be clear about what you want: answers, a meeting or even just a response of any kind.

4. Ask for a Meeting

For small problems, like homework questions, use email or written notes. If a big issue pops up, like major academic concerns or social situations, ask (kindly) for a meeting.

This is not a You VS Teacher heavyweight battle. It’s all of you fighting for the best education for your child together. At the meeting, approach it like a team effort.

Ask questions. What is the teacher seeing? How has she addressed the issue so far? What has worked with similar situations in the past? What can you do at home to support your student?

Then follow through. Stay in touch with the teacher about the issue. Ask for progress reports and information about interventions. Use the teacher suggestions at home.

5. Quality Over Quantity

Emails have a tendency to pile up real quick. Even paper notes can get misplaced.

Yes, keeping in contact is amazing! The teacher knows you care and you have your finger on the pulse of the classroom. Constant contact can also work against you.

Daily emails or notes are overwhelming and meeting every week is a lot. So keep your communication regular, but not flowing like a river.

Like the boy who cried wolf, if you make every molehill into a mountain, it can become harder to handle the mountains if you find them. Teachers might also be less likely to take your (legitimate) concerns quite as seriously if every challenging assignment results in an emergency meeting or a flurry of emails marked URGENT.

6. Respect the Work Day

Do things happen after 3:30 p.m.? Of course! Kids get sick, homework gets lost and stories from the school day are shared. Plus, since after school is usually when parent get to see all the tests and homework, academic concerns might start to brew.

If you email after the school day, please allow some wait time. Typically, this is one business day, from Monday to Friday, during working hours.

Teachers need time to read, process and find the answers you need. We need time to get our strategy in place. If the topic is especially sensitive, the teacher might also need to write a draft response and then step away before sending it to make sure he got it right.

If you need a meeting, ask when the teacher has time. Typically, a teacher will want to solve a problem sooner rather than later. For parents who are limited by their own working hours, offer some days and times you are available. Many teachers will come in early, stay late, or give up their lunch and prep periods to meet with parents.

Be prepared to sacrifice equally of your time. This is YOUR kid, after all.

7. Be a Problem Solver

If you CAN do it, please go right ahead!

If your child is begging for extra math homework or wants to learn more about anything, try to find the solution on your own first. There are many websites out there that offer free online programs, like Khan Academy or PBS Kids. And the library is always free.

When the going gets tough on homework, search on YouTube for teaching tutorials. There are a bunch of them out there, all conforming to Common Core standards, across grade levels.

Your teacher will adore you for being proactive with your child’s education. And her workload will feel just a little bit lighter too.

Want even more help with talking to your child’s teacher? Get your copy of Talk to the Teacher today! Click here to order it on Amazon.

Marriage is one of the most powerful foundations of the U.S. Armed Forces. While service members answer duty’s call, military spouses work to support their partners and families on the homefront.

We work together to create strong and resilient communities and family units. The strength of the military is inextricably linked to the overall mental, physical and emotional well-being of the service members and their families.

With the everyday push and pull of the world, we can look up and find that in the sea of commitments and obligations we’ve lost sight of the main thing: our commitments to one another in our marriages.

Consciously taking time to pour into ourselves and our marriages can fortify our unions during times of peacefulness and tumult alike. Emotional time, effort and investments are essential to creating healthy and lasting military marriages.

Source: CreateHERstock.com

Here are 8 ways to emotionally invest in your military marriage.

Be playful together.

All work and no play make marriages a dull chore. Who said the fun had to end when you jumped over the broom? No one!

It’s OK to prank your spouse (within their comfort zone), beat them in a table flipping game of UNO or challenge each other to a race on your kids’ scooters. The point is you both deserve to let loose and experience joy together. Conscientiously seek opportunities for play.

Be passionate.

Nothing makes a long ruck march more manageable than a rousing call and response. Passion begets passion.

If you’ve found that you aren’t connecting with your spouse, consider delving into one of your forgotten loves or passions. The excitement of an interesting job, task or hobby can be contagious.

Let passion infect your marriage.

Be affectionate daily.

Whether you’re down for a “50 Shades of Grey” evening or cuddling with fuzzy socks, we all need physical contact. It’s something we remember all too well during TDYs and deployments. But investing in the physical touch daily can garner closeness and rekindle the flame. Hug, kiss or snuggle with your baby today.

Be grateful.

Gratitude has a way of shifting perspectives. Practicing gratitude as a couple is a surefire method of keeping a positive and emotionally connected home.

Are you happy the dog has stopped its summer shedding? Or that the unit’s chili cook-off was actually delicious? Seek out the good stuff as partners.

Be gracious.

We all need the benefit of the doubt at one point or another. Extending grace to your partner allows you to see them as a human who is doing their best with the tools they have.

Graciousness lets you place smelly boots in the passenger seat of his car as a joke instead of seeing red that you’ve temporarily lost your sense of smell from the horror that is reeking boots in your bedroom.

What are your values? Where do you see yourself and your spouse in the future? Revisiting your core values and mission as a family can help facilitate a deeper emotional connection.

We know we have a common goal. And although circumstances and environments may change we can also return to the essence of our union. Rediscover your shared vision and dreams within your military marriage.

Be transparent.

There are times when we are running on empty, when things have got to give. It’s OK to be clear and transparent about our needs, desires and weakness. No living breathing, flawed human can ever be Bionic Woman or Captain America. Let’s stop aspiring to unrealistic goals and instead be the best version of ourselves at any given moment in our lives. Let your partner know when you need a hand.

Be fair.

They say that all is fair in love and war, but I beg to differ. There is such a thing as “below the belt” and that is a place none of us should ever endeavor to go in love.

Military marriages have so many sacrifices and compromises, but we should always fight fair.

Words last forever. In order to remain emotionally invested, each partner has to feel safe to be vulnerable. Regardless of slights or differing points of view we can work to ensure our marriages are always safe places to land.

There is no magic wand to greater intimacy and long-lasting ardor, but committing to emotionally invest in your military marriage is definitely a strong step in the right direction.

I am a naturally curious person. It is likely what drew me into a career in journalism in the first place, but as I have gotten older and married a service member, that curiosity isn’t always the best.

In fact, my husband sometimes refers to me as the OPSEC girl. And it’s not a compliment.

This is the OPSEC girl:

She is trying to get secrets out of this non-military looking guy, but the message is one in the same – there are parts of your job that others can’t know for security reasons. This can be everything from where service members are deployed to, to when they are coming home to their entire job.

I’m notorious for asking my husband questions. I am not a spy but what if I slipped and said something that I shouldn’t have in the first place when out at dinner? What if I post too much information online?

OPSEC is one of the most important acronyms you will run across as a military spouse. It stands for Operations Security and means how the military protects information that could be used by our enemies to defeat us.

You most often hear about OPSEC during deployment, but it can also refer to trainings at home.

OPSEC used to be compromised of spy networks overhearing what military community members would say in public, but with the prevalence of social media, it is so much easier to find out information with a quick search.

Think about how easy it is to Facebook stalk your high school ex-boyfriend and see his smiling family enjoying their beach vacation. Now imagine that instead of your ex searching for you online, the person searching is a terrorist or spy. Yes, that is scary to think about, but whatever they see on your profiles could either show nothing or information that they can use. In the past ISIS-affiliated groups targeting U.S. service members posted lists of service members and their personal information online, so it is more important than ever to be vigilant about what you are sharing.

This guide is meant to protect you, not scare you. At the end of the day OPSEC keeps our service members safe. So while you may be like me and ask a million questions or just want to know when the heck your spouse will be home, here’s what you need to know:

The Smart Military Spouse’s Guide To OPSEC

Don’t Share Dates Or Times Online

When service members are coming and going from deployment or a training you’ll likely be given information from your FRG or spouse about their travel. You may want to share this information far and wide, so that your families are informed and that your support network can help spring into action but before you share – stop yourself, someone could use that information in a bad way.

For instance, we were once in a unit that delayed coming home from a training stateside by half a day because a spouse posted the exact time they were leaving the field on their social media page.

So who can you tell? You can tell family and friends, but on the phone or in person, even send them an email, and be sure to remind them to not share the details.

Do not post specifics until your spouse is at their final destination. This will keep all service members safe and not delay that homecoming any longer.

Don’t Share Specific Locations

Sure you can say “my spouse is in Afghanistan” but you should not mention their exact base or other descriptive details, such as how long they will be gone.

Why?

This information could let the enemy piece together which units are where, and yes bases are well known, but exactly who is there could compromise a mission.

The best example of this is sharing your service member’s mailing address. Yes, they definitely want those care packages, but again, share that information privately via email or other private message. Don’t blast it out on Twitter or your Facebook wall for the world to see.

Don’t Share Mission Information

Your spouse could be heading to the coolest port in the world or heading out on a patrol, but do not share that information until after the job is done and they’ve returned safely to their base or ship.

While you may want people to send prayers or you may want to commiserate that you can’t talk to your loved one, if shared publicly it could let the enemy know exactly when troops are heading their way and you don’t want them to know that.

Instead, call your best friend to talk about how much you miss them or make plans with friends to help take your mind off of things. You’ll feel better and have fun! Just be sure that if you’re in a public place to not talk about the details because someone could overhear you.

You May Not Want To Hang A Yellow Ribbon

Yellow ribbons have long signified waiting for a loved one to return from war, but especially if you live off post, you do not want that information to be widely known. It signifies that a service member is gone – OPSEC – and could even compromise your personal safety since it shows that you are alone at home.

There have been cases where service members’ homes have been robbed when people follow spouses with the “half my heart is in Afghanistan” bumper sticker to their home and come back when they see that the car is not in the driveway.

How To Safeguard Your Online Profiles

At the end of the day make sure your profiles are secure. On sites like Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat be sure that only people that you approve can see your profile. To make sure those settings are secure, go to your account and look for Privacy.

Facebook allows you to view your profile as public to see what is truly locked down and what’s not. To access this go to your profile and click the 3 dots button on the bottom right corner of your cover photo and select “view as.” It will then allow you to select the audience that you want to check.

If your public profile shows every photo and status you’ve ever shared – you should go straight to your account settings and select Privacy – for your own safety and potential OPSEC. If you have a public profile, be especially careful with what you post.

For example, I have public profiles on Twitter, Instagram and a blog, but when my husband is away I am particularly careful when talking about the nights alone, when he left or his job because it could compromise our safety.

Remind Your Whole Family Of These Rules

OPSEC doesn’t just relate to service members or spouses, it’s everyone! So as you share information, like addresses or dates, remind family and friends to keep that information close to the chest. OPSEC can be violated by anyone, so while yes, you should share information with your family and friends, they should also be made aware of what not to share and how to keep their online profiles secure.

At the end of the day, this doesn’t mean don’t talk to your spouse about their job or service. Good communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship; however, there may be times when he or she can’t tell you everything. They aren’t holding back information to be spiteful, they just can’t share it with you yet.

Talk about expectations of your time apart and keep those lines of communication open while they are away, but just know that if you talk about their deployment at Starbucks or post about it online, you can’t be sure who else is listening or watching.

What are your tips for OPSEC? How do you stay safe when talking online?

I want to start by telling you that I was volun-told to write this story.

Yes, you read that correctly.

When I told NextGen MilSpouse’s Managing Editor Michelle that I gave up volunteering she said, “You have to write about that!” So, I guess I haven’t totally given up volunteering?

Let’s start at the beginning. And by the beginning I don’t mean my life as a military spouse, I mean long before that.

Let’s go back to high school. I was that girl – student government, newspaper, dance team, NHS, tennis team and an outside student organization. Oh, plus school – including as many AP classes that I could take. How I didn’t drink coffee back then, I don’t know. But I was crazy involved with everything that I loved and that never stopped.

Fast-forward to my life as an Army wife. I jumped feet first into joining our FRG as a key caller and our base spouses’ club as newsletter editor, while working a full-time job, going through my first deployment, and starting graduate school. (Don’t worry, this time I had coffee.) Around that time I got this magnet.

To say that this is beyond accurate about my life is an understatement. I love helping others – be it family and friends, an organization that I care deeply about or just helping out my co-workers, that’s who I am.

So when life started overwhelming me during my husband’s reintegration, coupled with grad school, work, volunteering, social life, I cut back.

By cut back I mean I was treasurer for our FRG (which was less active thanks to the unit being home), attending grad school, and had switched to part-time work. I guess that I had really cut out spouses club duties (but still volunteered at special events when I could).

The next year, having finished grad school, I went back to my old habits – this time as co-leader of our FRG, newsletter editor of spouses club and working full-time.

By the time we PCSed the next year, I was EXHAUSTED.

I told my husband that I couldn’t do it all again. While I loved the friendships that I had made and the work I was doing because of my volunteering, it was time to focus on job hunting at our new duty station, oh and figure out what life would be like with a kid because we decided that we were ready to add that responsibility (I mean joy) to our life.

So just like that, my volunteering stopped.

Here’s how I did it.

How I Gave Up Volunteering

Get Your Spouse On Board

This is the crucial first step. Not that my husband was volunteering me for everything already, but being the first line of contact for things like the FRG, him knowing that I didn’t want to take on more in my life right now meant that he didn’t have to say “Let me check but probably” when he was asked if I could volunteer.

Instead, when approached by his commander if I could help out, he said,

“I will double check but most likely not.”

This meant that yes, he would confirm with me, but most likely I would not be volunteering with his new unit.

Stay Firm In Your No

I joined our new base’s spouses club as a member and at my first luncheon they just happened to be starting board recruitment. They asked me if I would join the board. Fortunately my go-to job (newsletter editor) was already filled.

But, I also told them that we had just moved there and I was looking for a job and having a baby and just really didn’t know if I could take on more things. I didn’t want to commit to anything that I wasn’t sure that I could actually do.

If you volunteer a lot, you know that life happens and sometimes people volunteer and can’t make it, leaving you to scramble to find a new person. I’d rather not put someone in that position, so saying no upfront helped me set my boundaries and hopefully allow the organization to find someone that really can take on the job.

Know What You Are And Aren’t Willing To Do

I am still happy to cook something for a fundraiser or event and even volunteer at something if it fits into my schedule. These sporadic volunteer duties are great for my ever-evolving schedule. It allows me to be involved without doing something all the time.

It also means that I can say no when something really won’t work out. Like not working the late shift at an event because I know I can’t stay up that late or working a weekday event because of work. Being honest with yourself and the volunteer coordinator is key.

But at the end of the day, volunteering right now is just not in the cards for me. And I have to remind myself of that when I see those sign-up sheets.

Can I make it work? Not if I want to stay sane.

I know that I will volunteer again, but I just can’t do it now.

Focus On Your Priorities

My No. 1 priority after we PCSed was finding a job and having a baby. I knew that if I started filling my time with other things that something would fall to the side.

And, I knew that my job prospects were mostly the opposite direction from the base, so if I did make a long-term commitment, I’d be spending a lot of time in my car and it may be hard to juggle a new job and volunteering. So while I attended events for those organizations that I normally would be volunteering with, I spent my free time applying for jobs. For me, that was my priority.

Sure things could change, but I’m taking it one day at a time. I know that I will volunteer again, but for now I’m not. I stopped cold turkey and don’t regret it one bit.

Some of us marry our high school sweethearts and ride off into the sunset together.

Others meet in college or our partner’s first duty station and realize we’ve met “The One.”

There are also countless brothers, sisters and family members that have brought their “battle buddy” home for a holiday meal only to notice the two of you locking eyes over the potato salad and hearing wedding bells ringing.

This is not your mother’s marriage, your brother’s marriage or your preacher’s marriage. Hell, this isn’t even Uncle Sam’s marriage. When everything is said and done this contract and obligation is strictly between you and your spouse.

The world is full of wise and wonderful people. And some of them may offer you advice, but the best advice I’ve ever received is to simply communicate with my spouse.

I’d be lying if I said this has always been easy. Or that we both are always on the same wavelength. But at the end of the day, we’ve had to lay down what we thought we knew and accept each other for who we are today. Only 2 voices matter in your marriage: theirs and yours.

Build Kindness and Respect Into Your Military Marriage

Life comes at you fast. Children, careers, health concerns and deployments can all sap your energy and your smile. This is complete normal since you’re probably a regular human. It can be so easy to slip into pettiness or be snippy, especially if you feel overworked and under appreciated. In times when you are worn thin choose to check in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings.

You may not have the time or means to address all concerns, but it’s always alright to be clear about what you are experiencing. Where the danger comes in is when we use our circumstances as an excuse to be mean spirited or outright asses to our spouses. Or them to us.

Both of you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. If you are struggling with basic kindness or respect in your union consider utilizing counseling services.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone and Grow Together

5, 10, 15, 20…those years fly by so fast. Don’t waste time, explore the world and expand your mind with your spouse. Sail together, learn words in a new language, take a cooking class; the list goes on and on.

A couple that plays together, stays together.

The military defines so much of our lives and this is the ride we’ve signed up for.

However, this is a big wide world we live in and one that should be enjoyed with a partner. Some couples take turns choosing their own adventure while others plan it out together. Whatever your method the importance is in the quality and quantity of time shared in the mutual pursuit of happiness.

Plan Personal Growth Time Into Your Military Marriage

If you would have told me that my old school, Sea Bee, grandfather would recommend marriage counseling to me I would not have believed you.

We were talking one day and I was sitting on the same couch he had when I was a little girl. My husband and I were probably around our 10-year mark, and Grandpa said, “I didn’t know about marriage counseling then (‘60s & ‘70s), but it would have saved my marriage. Get counseling!”

Consider couples counseling and/or personal counseling if past traumas or experiences are negatively impacting your relationship with your partner. Your base chaplin’s office, Military One Source and our good friend Google can all provide more information and point you in the right direction for marital and personal support.

We’re deep into year 15 in my neck of the woods and these tips have helped us along the way.

There are times when it is imperative to speak your peace. Likewise there are times where the best thing you can do is zip it!

How many times has a well-placed word picked you up or brought hope into a seemingly hopeless situation?

Words have the power to heal and the power to hurt.

A proverb I learned as a child said it best

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.”

With the world seeming more topsy-turvy each day we need more hope and less anger. But how can you know when it’s the right time to speak your mind and when it’s time to give it a rest?

I’ve got you! Here is our guide to help you discern between the two.

When to Offer Your Opinion and When to Shut the Hell Up!

When to offer your opinion…

When you are asked for your opinion or your advice. It goes without saying that sometimes people just want to hear another perspective. They may have a blindside or simply trust your opinion. In this case, take a deep breath, think about your answer and proceed to offer your insights. You may be able to offer a great service to the person soliciting your thoughts.

Just remember to offer your thoughts without expectations. People are always going to do what they want in the long run.

For example, you highly recommend to a military spouse to live in on-post housing. You outline the benefits to her and maybe get a little too excited about the possibility that she’ll be your new neighbor. Then you find out that she decided to live off-base. Don’t take this decision personally. Instead invite her for meet for coffee at your favorite Starbucks location after she unpacks her household goods.

When you know what you’re talking about. Are you a veteran in your field or have thoroughly researched a topic and engaged it from several viewpoints? If this is the case, it’s likely your opinion is valid as an expert. You should go right ahead and pontificate within your realm of knowledge. Just be sure you’re current on the latest research and trends. The people want to hear your voice!

When you are an advocate. Do you have a cause? Are you concerned about a group or an issue that needs defense? First, be sure to investigate, read and become knowledgeable.

Then, by all means use your voice to speak out for the greater good. It is always the right time to work toward equity and all that is good. Be sure to also elevate the voices of those directly affect by your cause.

When to keep your mouth shut…

When you lack knowledge and experience. You will always have a right to your opinion, but you don’t always need to share it. Acknowledge when you lack the knowledge and/or experience to accurately speak on a topic.

Consider that your voice may be speaking over others who know more and have put in more work than you. In this situation, it’s OK to keep your comments to yourself.

For example, when a friend asks for advice on an unaccompanied short tour because his wife just got this assignment, I tell him “I don’t have any experience with that.” But I don’t just leave him hanging. I connect him with other military spouses who do have that knowledge and experience.

When it’s none of your business. Not everything concerns everyone. Are you intimately involved or does it impact you? If you answer “no” to those prompts, it’s a pretty good indicator your mouth should remain in the off position. Your “two cents” are not always warranted. Listen to Salt-N-Peppa. “It’s none of yo’ business!”

When your opinion may cause harm intentional or otherwise. Nowadays everyone hates the term “politically correct.” But have we stopped to consider what was politically correct to say in the not-so-distant past? People could casually drop gems about hitting their spouses or discriminating against groups based on race, sex or class.

Words mean things. If what you say may cause harm to someone else, there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to say it. You could also consider interrogating the root of your opinion.

Just as no one can make you talk, no one can make you be quiet. But please remember, when it comes to opinions, less is more!

Do you find it difficult to keep your mouth shut in online discussions and debates? What advice would you give on this topic? Don’t keep your mouth shut. We want to hear your opinion. Share it in the comments section.

My mother loves the military. Her birthday is on Veterans Day, and when she was randomly in New York City during Fleet Week, she tried to have her picture taken with literally every sailor in the city.

When I met my Navy husband, she could not have been more thrilled. After our first date, she had already planned our wedding. All of this was fantastic. I loved that my family was as smitten with my husband as I was.

But I quickly noticed that words would come out of my mouth, and mysteriously, when they entered my mother’s ears, they’d become something else entirely.

For example, husband was scheduled to go on a routine, relatively short deployment to the Pacific to finish up some qualifications. Nothing crazy. Nothing dangerous.

My mom, however, only heard the word DEPLOYMENT (caps for emphasis) and immediately started planning a huge farewell party for him.

Never mind that it would be a huge inconvenience for us to travel home for this party.

Or that we had planned to spend some time with one another, rather than 30 of our nearest and dearest.

Or that hubs really doesn’t care for anything that calls special attention to his military service.

Military spouses have to deal with these types of situations often.

What you say versus what your family hears can create more drama than an episode of “The Bachelor” if not handled in just the right way.

So what can you do when you say one thing and your family hears another?

What You Say vs. What Your Family Hears

Try to Compromise First

You tell your in-laws that your spouse is returning from a deployment, and they want to meet him at the airport with balloons, flowers and an American flag that could be seen from space.

Understandably, they miss their kid, just like you miss your spouse. They’ve been just as worried about his safety and well-being as you have. Their hearts are in the right place – it’s just that in their excitement they’ve gone overboard.

Rather than risk hurt feelings, gently suggest an alternative plan that works for everyone and explain why. Your in-laws may never have seen their child drag in at 2 a.m. from a yearlong deployment, exhausted, sleep-deprived and struggling to adjust to life back home.

Compromise where you can. If your family understands why a big celebration might not be best right away, they’ll be more open to alternative plans, even if they are a little disappointed at first.

Don’t Let Guilt Take Over

You said you can’t come home for the holidays because your spouse has duty on Christmas day. What your family hears is that you’ll be absent for the most important family celebration of the year and may make you feel guilty for skipping the festivities.

Explain why you’re staying put: does your family really want your spouse to spend the holidays alone just so they can have you home with them? Hopefully, reason will win out, but if not, do not let guilt take over.

It can be hard for your extended family to understand your choices, but don’t feel guilty about making a decision that’s ultimately in the best interest of your family.

Communication Is Key

If your family truly wants what’s best for you and your spouse, they’ll eventually come around. After all, it can be hard for them to understand the military lifestyle. One way to help them to better understand the struggle is through open communication. Explain the day-to-day life of a military family to them.

When your family gets to know the delicate balance that is being a military spouse, they’ll be able to better hear what you say, and actually hear you, rather than what they want to hear.

As for my family: we had an open, honest discussion about our reality as a military family versus family expectations. And my military-loving mother has (mostly) been able to keep herself in check.

She didn’t make any promises about containing herself during Fleet Week, though.

Can you relate? When have you found yourself saying one thing while your family members hear something completely different? Share your stories of what “I Say vs What They Hear” in the comments section.

You can send care packages and pictures and love letters and inspirational quotes.

You can do all the laundry and make the best meals and have the greatest job and be the most amazing parent.

You can do it all!

You two can have the greatest adventures and the most incredible history. You can laugh your asses off together, you can grow stronger through grieving together, you can watch Netflix and chill together and you can truly be soulmates.

But perfect? You can’t have a perfect marriage, my friend. Perfect doesn’t exist.

So cut yourself some slack.

Don’t let social media convince you that everyone else has the perfect marriage. I promise, they don’t.

That couple beaming in the photo at the military ball very well might be truly happy. But I guarantee you they’ve fought over putting clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it.

Those two on vacation? Always jet-setting across the world for the most amazing photo ops? Yeah, I promise they argued over something as important as whose responsibility it was to replace the toilet paper on the holder.

I’m not proud of it, but one of the biggest fights early on in our marriage was over how I liked my eggs. My husband, trying to be sweet, ordered my breakfast for me at a fancy brunch spot. I asked for the eggs scrambled on the sweet little benedicts and he insisted I wanted them sunny-side up. They should have renamed the dish the Benedict Arnold. I lost my mind when those goopy eggs came out and ran all over my plate and ruined everything.

I still maintain it was indicative of some larger respect thing, but um, really, it wasn’t. I was just hangry.

We have a good laugh about it (and turns out that’s how I prefer my eggs now, 10 years later) but the point is, couples fight. They disagree.

They love so much and so fiercely and so hard that it becomes a relationship worth fighting for, and sometimes, fighting each other for. Finances, jobs, duty stations and even eggs, can be contentious.

My military marriage isn’t perfect because military life isn’t. This lifestyle isn’t relaxed or predictable or calm. It’s not quiet nights in a quaint town with every expectation for tomorrow.

No, sweet friend. It’s messy.

It’s 3 a.m. wake-ups and last minute TDYs and bringing new babies into the world via Skype.

It’s goodbyes and hellos, and hopes the latter outnumber the former.

It’s changing plans and canceling vacations and one more holiday away from home.

It’s really freaking hard…which means military marriages take just that much more work. Our marriages take more trust and more strength. They take more patience and more grace and more forgiveness and more flexibility and more everything.

And most importantly? They take more courage.

We send our spouses off to work with no guarantee they’ll return. Sure, no one’s day is guaranteed, but there’s something about training and war and deployments and battle that heightens that awareness, doesn’t it?

So instead of focusing on the perfect marriage, focus on the perfect goodbye.

Commit to kissing your spouse in the morning. Make a pact not to end a conversation or a phone call without an “I love you.” Sign your emails with some x’s and o’s and spiff up your texts with some heart emojis. Promise each other you’ll do your best not to go to sleep angry.

We can’t have the perfect marriage – no one can – but we can sure keep trying.

So far, he’s been gone a combined 3 months since the year started and it’s only September.

I get lonely while he’s away. Right now, it’s me and the cat, who does a lot more for me than she realizes (i.e. keeping me sane in a quiet house).

However, despite the bouts of loneliness, the time apart revitalizes our feelings toward each other. In addition, separation challenges our relationship (in a good way!) and strengthens our bond.

Wondering how your military marriage can benefit from the time you spend apart?

Before your spouse leaves, sit down for a heart-to-heart discussion with a focus on your current feelings.

Use that time to create a separation game plan too. Your game plan is critical because it will guide you both, especially when something unexpected happens. The military loves to test your limits, so we get used to implementing Plan B more times than once.

Here are 10 questions to help you as a couple create your separation game plan:

How are you going to keep the line of communication open?

Will there be internet where your spouse is going?

When can you expect to hear from them?

Do you like random phone calls or would you prefer a standard time to talk?

Can you schedule a time to talk regularly?

Do you prefer to talk using FaceTime, Skype, emails or text messages?

What are your expectations for communication during the deployment?

What are your service member’s expectations for communication during the deployment?

What will you do for each other during this separation to strengthen your relationship?

Is there a to-do list of things you can do to help your spouse and vice versa? It might be difficult for them to do a lot while on TDY orders. In that case, compromise.

Compromise helps couples work through the crazy military lifestyle and it is a great way to find a common ground. Don’t forget to live it.

As a result, time away from your spouse provides a wonderful opportunity for you and your spouse to intentionally talk about your relationship. A 4-month school came up when my spouse and I were dating. At that time, he didn’t put a ring on it, yet, but we still had a long and meaningful talk about where we were going as a couple. Needless to say, he did pop the question shortly after our talk and we’ve been benefiting from intentional pow wows ever since.

Pro-tip: Send surprise messages to each other. Whether it’s a quick email, text message or you’re separated long enough for snail mail, surprise messages are a wonderful way to keep connected during your time apart. I personally love the intrigue and it’s a chance to get a little creative!

With your spouse away, do and be you hardcore. Never stop doing and being you. The time away gives you the chance to remember the self you were before you were married. I had an interesting conversation with a military spouse recently about frequent TDYs. We talked about it sucking and on the flip side, we valued it on the same level too.

The time apart gives me moments for self reflection and reminds me how much I value my spouse and his impact in my life. This is where “absence makes the heart grow fonder” comes in full force.

But, don’t let absence fuel anger or despair. My spouse and I encountered a lot of challenges during our longest separation. Being apart for a whole year took its toll on us. We stopped communicating and lost each other as a result.

At the time we didn’t have a separation game plan. We were winging it. So, that game plan I mentioned earlier, it really helps when emotional roadblocks come your way.

Then, you realize time apart makes the time together more precious. Thank goodness for mid-tour leave! Once we had the opportunity to reconnect in-person again, it was the jolt we needed to get ourselves back on the right track. It prompted us to talk about how we would prioritize our relationship during the remaining 6 months of our separation.

This prompts me to my next important point, learn from your mistakes. Moving forward and making positive strides strengthens your marriage.

Lastly, plan for time apart on purpose. I use separation time to visit family and friends. For example, in the last month, I stayed with my parents as my spouse was finishing up a month-long TDY. I reached out to a dear friend that just moved to Ohio to see if she had any time for me. She did, but the weekend she was available, my husband would already be back home.

That didn’t stop me and I still planned to spend a weekend with her. My husband flew back home that Tuesday and I flew out to visit my friend on Friday. That weekend, my spouse was able to help me out with household chores and got to spend quality time with our cat (who absolutely adores him).

How do you as a couple use the time apart to strengthen your marriage? Share your tips!