Will your upcoming three-day weekend involve grilling, margaritas or making ice cream? It could, if you buy pricey gourmet gadgets from the new Williams-Sonoma catalog!

You're thinking, "I don't need a panini press." But OMG look at those sandwiches. Melty, toasty yumminess could be yours, if you're willing to shell out $119.

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You're thinking, "I don't need a mesh chef's pan." You're right. Who sautes pasta over the grill? This is weird and unnecessary, and since sizzling liquid can drip through onto your flip-flop-clad foot, it seems like a good way to get burned.

A fine-mesh grill pan, however, looks like a great idea. Does it come with the tomato, corn and black bean "salad" already in it? And, um… can the salad be ordered without the pan? To go? Thanks.

Why would you put meatballs on the grill? You'd lose the juice! That's just dumb. Fiddy bucks of dumb.

How many times a year would you have to use a jalapeño roaster to get your money's worth? It's "only" $19.95, but once you use it and go through the labor-intensive business of trying to clean it, doesn't it become a supposedly fun thing you'll never try again?

Knowing next to nothing about grills — except that stuff tastes good when it comes off of one — my only comment here is "pretty!"

Okay, instead of initials, let's think of three-letter words that would be great branded into burgers or steaks. Some suggestions:
OMG
BAM
BYE
JOY
WOW
COW
HOT
YUM

And for the vegans:
EWW
WHY
WTF
ICK
SOY

While the monogrammed poly-glassware is great, let's just focus on the $500 margarita maker with three blending stations and six automated drink settings. It will make you three 72-ounce pitchers of frozen bliss. And when you're done with those, it'll make some drinks for your friends and family, too.

America the beautiful! Where you are free to be as matchy-matchy as you damn well please!

This is how i feel at the gynecologist's office. But without the potatoes.

If you have so much money that you feel okay about spending $300 on a toaster with a goddamn WINDOW in it so you can sit around watching toast turn brown then you have too much money and you should give me some.

Ironing a tablecloth with a $1,999 iron? File under: Things You Will Never See Me Do.