Welcome to Barely Legal: The Blog; This blog is run by two recent law school grads, Russ and Mike. Back when we were still law students, this was the most popular law student run blog in the world. Now, who knows what we are or what this blog is. Nevertheless, everything on this blog is uncontroverted fact, and should be interpreted as such.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The decision to attend law school is not one to be taken lightly. After all, we are talking about three years of your life, tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of dollars, and the surrendering of your dignity as you agree to follow a set of rules more apt for 10th-graders

Not surprisingly, many people who make this decision come to regret it at some point in their lives. The reasons for this regret are varied, but have one overriding theme: Their expectations for attending law school have not been met.

Everyone goes to law school for a reason. Unfortunately, many of the reasons people give for attending law school are the source of their disappointment. So as a service to the prospective law students out there, we decided to run through some of these bad reasons that people have in the hopes that you will save your time, money, and dignity.

But before I get to the bad reasons, let me first give you the good reason. (Yes, I said the good reason, implying there is only one.) If you can say the following sentences with a straight face, go to law school, and I wish you the best of luck.

“I am genuinely interested in the law and I have a sincere desire to become an attorney and practice law. I have come to this conclusion by thoroughly researching what law school and working as an attorney entails.”

If that isn’t you, then your reasons for attending law school are probably built on faulty logic or misinformation. I have heard many bad reasons that people give for attending law school. Thus:

A JD looks good? Where? Over your desk? Well a Picasso would look good there too and you could probably afford one for the price of a JD.

Well, let me qualify that. You are correct in saying that a JD looks good, but if you know from the outset that you don’t want to practice law, then why bother? Lots of people get a JD and at some point, whether it be while they are still in school or after ten years of practice, decide that they don’t want to be an attorney. But if you know this before you even attend a law school class, save yourself the hassle and move on.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Today marks the one year anniversary of our blog. People always ask how and why we started blogging, so for this special occasion, I'll tell you.

If it isn't clear from reading, Russ and I attend different schools. We are friends from undergrad, and we both entered law school at the same time. Our entire first year and up until this time last year, we used to email back and forth, making fun of the various aspects of law school. A few times, Russ suggested we start putting these observations on a blog. I didn't know what a blog was, so I let it go in one ear and out the other.

Then one day I went to meet with our career services guy about my summer employment situation. Natually, it was not at all helpful, and I was frustrated. So I sent Russ an email to vent my frustrations. This email was my version of a career services guy working for the Sopranos. Russ emailed me back saying "That's it, we are starting a blog and putting all this stuff up there." An hour later, I had an invitation to join "Barely Legal: The Blog", and he had made my Sopranos email the first post. So without further ado, and because I am lazy, here is that first post.

Exerpt from the script of the premiere of next season of the Sopranos...

[Scene: Upstairs at the Bada Bing; Pauly and Silvio are playing pool, Tony is at his desk, and has just gotten off the phone.]

Silvio: Who was that, Ton?

Tony: My cousin Bobby. He is back in town and wants to get back into the business.

Pauly: Bobby...Was he the one who got busted for the bank job in '89?

Tony: No, Bobby used to run with me and Silv when we were teenagers, but then he went straight and put himself through law school. He spent the last few years working as a career advisor or something. Anyway, he's a smart guy and could really help us out.

Silvio: What are you going to have him do?

Tony: You know that kid Vinny who has been doing odd jobs for us? Well, I think he's ready to get out there and start earning. I'm going to have Bobby show him the ropes.

Silvio: You think thats smart? Bobby hasn't been in the game for a while...

Bobby: Okay kid, you are getting promoted to street soldier. No more shit jobs for you, eh...(laughs)

Vinny: I guess, so what do you want me to do?

Bobby: Well kid, you need to start earning. You got to get your name out there, offering protection to businesses and such, in exchange for a piece of their profits.

Vinny: Sounds good, tell me who to collect from.

Bobby: Whoa, not so fast...You got to get your own clients. I mean, I have a few guys who have asked us for help, but those jobs typically go to more experienced guys. You need to get your name out there.

Vinny: How?

Bobby: I suggest you get a list of local merchants and write them letters. Let them know who you are, what you want to do, what you can do for them, and how much your services cost.

Vinny: Really? Letters? How many?

Bobby: The more the better. You might send out hundreds, but it only takes one positive response to get you started earning. Be creative. Ask your parents if they have any friends who need protection. Use your connections. Remember, you aren't the only kid looking to get started with this business. You have to work at it.

Vinny: Anything else you can tell me?

Bobby: Well, I can give you the names of some former guys starting out who have since been promoted. They might have some ideas.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I was recently talking with a perpetually single female friend of mine, when she suddenly blurted out, "I hope one day I can find my George."

"What are you even talking about?" I asked.

"You know, the guy from Grey's Anatomy," she replied.

"That's like the tenth time I heard some girl say that. There are tons of Georges out there, except in real life, George actually looks like George Wendt. You see some nice, sweet, caring guy on TV and think he's just perfect for you. In reality, you see some attractive doctor with floppy hair and dimples, and doesn't act like a total ass like all the other men on that show, and get all gaga over him. Guess what? The George you want doesn't exist."

Undeterred by my little speech, my friend said, "That may be true, but I wouldn't mind having Doctor McDreamy either."

I relayed this story to Russ, who said, "Knowing her, she'll have to settle for Plumber McSleazy."

Some things just seem to go together: chocolate and peanut butter, peanut butter and jelly, or pretty much anything and peanut butter. Some things, however, are foisted together for no apparent reason, like the JD/MBA. Or as I like to call it: Dumb and Dumber.

An MBA is basically a brief crash course in Business Administration. Some of you will remember Business Administration as the third most popular major offered on DeVry’s late night TV commercials, after Air Conditioning Repair and Massage Therapy.

When an attorney needs information about a subject matter, let’s say business administration, they don’t go out and get a degree in it. The attorney hires an expert. The attorney then interviews the expert and if they need to communicate that expert’s opinions they use them as an expert witness. You may have seen it done on TV about a million times.

I imagine most JD/MBA interviews go like this:

JD/MBA: Not only can I practice law for your company but I also can balance books, project your finances and manage your people.

Employer: Actually, you’ll be busy with legal work for 70 hours a week like all other JDs, so you wouldn’t have time to do any of that other stuff even if I wanted you to.

JD/MBA: So, I just wasted another year of my life and $50,000 for nothing?

Employer: Yes. It would seem those financial projection skills you learned leave a lot to be desired.

The thing I dislike most about JD/MBA programs is that the pairing really points out how a JD is not a real doctorate program. Even though evidence teaches us otherwise, guilt by association is real and we will all be victims of it.

Let’s face it, JD/MBA programs are just a scam to squeeze more money out of students. I won’t be surprised if they start offering JD/MBA/Magic-Bean-Purchasing-Agent degrees.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

However, some cops don’t see these groups as being equal at all. Sick of smug district attorneys making demands on their time, and tired of slick defense attorneys making them look foolish on the stand, some cops decide that if they can’t beat them, why not join them, and head off to law school.

The Ex-Cop’s adjustment to law school is sometimes a difficult one. At their old job, they were taught to see the world in black and white, while law school is one giant shade of gray. They abhor the fact that “maybe” is, at its essence, the correct answer for nearly every question in every class. The Ex-Cop usually regrets their decision early on, watching longingly as he sees a former colleague bully a 19-year old girl into admitting that she did, in fact, roll through a stop sign.

But the Ex-Cop will soon find a place where he excels: Criminal law. In crim, the Ex-Cop will sit front row center, a smug look on his face because he saw it all in his six years walking the beat in an affluent suburb. He is never afraid to add his two-cents to the conversation, or start a debate with the professor. “Let me tell you what it’s like out in the field,” he’ll say, as a black classmate shakes his head disapprovingly.

In all fairness, however, the Ex-Cop has one thing that 95% of other law students do not have: Real world experience. While the only time that Mr. Future Litigator had seen the inside of a courtroom when he came to law school was on a 6th-grade fieldtrip, the Ex-Cop knows how the real world of criminal justice works before he ever reads a case, and undoubtedly that is a huge advantage.

I think I should wrap this up, lest I further offend a group of people trained in hand-to-hand combat and who may or may not still own a taser. But one more thing, Ex-Cop: Please, shave the mustache.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

...who decided to unexpectedly slam on your brakes while traveling at 40 miles per hour, forcing me to slam on my brakes and nearly skid into you: I know your intentions were good. I am sure you were just trying to be a good driver and obey the rules of the road. And yes, I know that you are supposed to pull over and yield to emergency vehicles. But I am fairly certain that when you are traveling in the northbound lane, you don’t have to pull over and yield to an emergency vehicle traveling in the southbound lane when the lanes are divided by a ten foot wide raised median, filled with trees and shrubs and flowerbeds. You see, that large, plant-infested median would make it quite difficult for the fire truck to cross over into your lane, necessitating you to yield. Please be more aware next time.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

We at Career Services would like to send out consolations to all the 3Ls who remain uncommitted to an employer at this stage of the semester.

We would like to remind you that the Juneau Alaska Public Defender’s office still has an opening this fall. This is a fantastic opportunity, people! The pay may be modest, but after a few years you’ll be experienced enough defend moose poaching cases privately.

While it is disheartening that there are more applicants than positions available, you must keep in mind that you have spent the last three years in one of the most rigorous graduate programs available. You can use the skills you learned here in any employment you find, legal or not. For example:

**Lots of legal issues out there remain unresolved. Is the flurry of contracting in today’s business community creating more employees with all the requisite worker’s compensation and OSHA regulations or is it creating Posner’s nimbly efficient labor market? The law doesn’t have to be just theoretical anymore. As a day laborer, you can get hands on experience with this and other legal issues (matriculation in Immigration Law preferred. Se habla, por favor)

**Gentlemen, draw up your own release of custody agreements when you donate your 1400+ SAT score sperm to lesbian couples. Remember, this isn’t the character and fitness bar so feel free to throw a few more inches on your height during the application process. It’s a buyer’s market out there.

**Those latin phrases we taught you won’t go to waste. Your knowledge of root words will keep you sharp. You’ll know right away that when you serve the Venti coffee at Starbucks that “Venti” actually refers to the number of ounces (20) and is not Italian for extra large like Thad, your art school student coworker, says.

Due to the massive increase in as-of-yet-unemployed law students our own Career Services office will be hiring. An Anne Frank-esque attitude of optimism in the face overwhelming hopelessness is required, but you'll be able to afford more than an attic on a Law School salary. Come join the team! If you can't be invited to OCI, you can at least schedule it.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I received an IM the other day from a reader who had a post suggestion. “Why haven’t you done a whole post devoted to ripping apart gunners,” the reader asked. Sure, we have taken little jabs here and there, but the reader is right; we haven’t done a whole post about gunners. There are two reasons for this: The first reason is that it’s such an easy target, what else can possibly be said on the topic. And the second reason may surprise you, especially coming from me, but I like gunners.

Before you faint or close the browser, thinking I’ve gone crazy or soft or both, hear me out. Gunners serve a purpose within the law school ecosystem. Just think, where we would be without gunners?

When you are called on and you are not prepared, who raises their hand to take the heat off of you? A gunner does, that’s who.

When the professor asks a question of the class, who volunteers and keeps you from having to answer? That’s right, a gunner.

Are old outlines passed around your school, outlines so immaculate and stunning that it seems as if Gilbert himself did them? If so, I bet a gunner made it.

If you’re like me, you like to sit in the back row. Gunners faithfully fill in those seats in the first few rows, leaving me with more seating options.

On those days where everyone skips, someone has to show up to class. And gunners will be there, rain or shine.

If you forgot what the assignment was, who else can you ask that will know off the top of their head? I know someone who does.

When someone is breaking the honor code, are you going to report them? I'm not going to, but somebody has to.

Do you want to find a graduation speaker, arrange for a federal judge to come and talk about the death penalty, or be the one to order the pizza for a club to eat at lunch? I sure don’t.

And that law review isn’t going to edit itself, is it?

You see, you may not like gunners, but you need gunners. They make the law school world go round. So the next time you see your local gunner, don’t pretend not to see him and then crack a joke at his expense; go up and give him a hug and thank him for making your path through law school just a little bit easier. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re lucky, he won’t file battery charges against you.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

First off, this is something that I have been asking since I was a little kid, and this weekend I was reminded of it yet again because both teams were in the tournament. Why do we pronounce Kansas as we do, but pronounce Arkansas ‘Arkansaw’? Shouldn’t it be pronounced ‘Ar-(and the way we pronounce ‘Kansas’)? Alternatively, couldn’t we pronounce Kansas ‘Kansaw’? I am not proposing we change anything here; I just want an explanation. Yes, I really do think of these things.

You know what commercial bugs me to no end? Those Cingular commercials where one guy has a Cingular and the other guy doesn’t, and the Cingular guy is a total asshole to his non-Cingular buddy. Okay man, we get it, you have a better cell phone, you don’t have to be such a cock about it.

Thursday and Friday, people keep asking me, “What are your plans for St. Patty’s Day?” And my response was always the same: Nothing. Look, I like drinking and debauchery as much as the next guy, but St. Patrick’s Day annoys me to no end. Everyplace you go is crowded with drunken assholes. Now that’s all well and good, but on St. Patrick’s Day, at least half of those drunken assholes will be wearing leprechaun’s hats. I don’t know what it is, but that puts me over the edge, and as a result, I boycott the entire day.

Last week the check engine light in my car came on. Since I’m not a car guy, I called the only car guy I know, Brett from Blafayette. I told him the light was on, so he asked if I had checked my engine. I told him I had, and he asked what I saw. “I don’t know,” I told him. “I opened the hood and looked at it. I didn’t see any big open areas where a part should be, nor did I see anything obviously wrong, like a stick jammed in the motor. Beyond that, I’m clueless.” Which leads me to the question, if my care can sense that there is a problem, why can’t it go the extra step and give me a hint? Why can’t I have a light that says “CHECK ENGINE (HINT-IT’S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR FUEL INJECTOR)?

Quote of the weekend comes from Russ. Our esteemed undergraduate school is one of the Cinderella teams still alive in the tournament. Russ doesn’t really follow college basketball, so towards the end of the game, when our team was about to win, I IMed him and told him to put on CBS. He saw the score and said “I never stopped believing in them in the five years since I graduated and completely forgot they had a basketball team.”

I really hate Duke, and I am starting to hate Gonzaga, but I am sort of rooting for both of them to make it to the Final Four so they can play in the ultimate grudge match to determine who has more dorky looking white guys. JJ Redick gets a lot of heat, and in my opinion, Adam Morrison doesn’t get nearly as much as he deserves. Is there any doubt that this guy is a complete douchebag?

And finally, I caught that new NBC show about young prosecutors, ‘Conviction’. It’s alright, nothing special, similar to the law part of ‘Law & Order’. Two of the actors stuck out to me. First, excellent job of casting this guy. Does he not look like someone you know from school? Maybe he’s sitting in your classroom right now. Maybe you’re sitting next to him. Maybe it’s you. Anyway, this guy is the epitome of what I think a smug young lawyer looks like. So great job by the casting director. On the other hand, I had been watching the show for a half hour before I realized that this guy was a lawyer, not a defendant. Does he look like any lawyer you know? I swear I thought he was on trial, not conducting the trial. He looks like a huge sleaze ball, maybe a drug dealer or date rapist, or both. Anyway, it’s an okay show, I doubt I’ll plan on watching it again, but if I am flipping around and it’s on, I’ll watch.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The summer before my senior year of high school, I worked on a ride at a huge amusement park. There were plenty of bad aspects to this job, but the absolute worst was the day in, day out interactions with the customers.

One day, I was working to help people get secured in the ride when I saw a guy wearing a ‘No Fear’ hat. Except this wasn’t a normal ‘No Fear’ hat, because he had removed the ‘F’ and replaced it with ‘Qu’, and at the end, added an ‘s’. Yeah, real classy.

“You know,” I said to him, “Queer is spelled q-u-e-e-r, not q-u-e-a-r.”

He looked at me, dip running down his chin and dripping onto his tank top. “That’s something only a queer would know,” he snarled at me.

“Queers, and people with a fifth-grade education,” I replied.

What was his response? Let’s just say I’m glad he was already strapped into the ride.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

It's SBA election time, so my hallowed law school is now covered with posters for candidates. Do these posters outline policy points? Do they list resumes of accomplishment? No. They are bubble shaped letters covered in glitter of the names of the candidates. That's it.

To me, this is a tacit acknowledgement by the candidates that this election is nothing more than a popularity contest. I'm not against being friendly and well liked, but can't you acknowledge that you are those things without an election? At our age, I should hope so.

I think it's safe to say that the use of high school graphic arts points us to the source of this need for acknowledgement-high school. Let's be honest: We're law students so we were nerds in high school. Don't be ashamed. That's what got us here today. After all, what's the point of achieving any success if you already attained the adulation of your peers at age 16?

My too-cool-for-school girlfriend said it best when I told her that my ex-girlfriend used to watch the WB show "Popular," "Nobody who was popular would ever watch a show about being popular."

So when I vote (and I won't), I'll hope that the cowering wedgie victim that lurks inside every SBA candidate will finally find some peace once they're fulfilling their duties as Treasurer or Secretary.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Friend: I was hanging out with Ari, the guy down the hall, this Saturday. We ordered Chinese food and when it came he said, "I can't pay for it today. I'm not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. Can you take care of it?" Then when I was getting ready to leave he asked me to turn off all the lights for him.

Russ: I see. Sounds like you're his "shabbos goy". Orthodox Jews will sometimes arrange for a gentile to take care of their incidentals on the Sabbath.

Friend: I'm glad to do it, I guess. But, it kind of snuck up on me. Do midgets invite people over to visit when they need stuff on the top shelf?

Russ: If I was you, I'd think of yourself as a ringer he's called in against the Torah. Everyone likes a ringer, except the other team, which in this case is 2000 years of rabbinical tradition.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Not surprisingly, we are read by a fair amount of undergraduates who have law school in their sights. They ask us all sorts of questions, but the most common one is: Is law school really as bad as you say it is?

My best answer is: I guess that depends on your perspective. It’s safe to say that everyone in this world can be classified by which character from Saved by the Bell that they are.

Zack Morris: Smart, mischievous, and apathetic, Zacks are a dime-a-dozen on college campuses, and inevitably, a few of them will head on to law school. Unfortunately, Zacks find law school to be boring and pretentious, and their antics aren’t appreciated nearly as much as they used to be. Zack will probably do decently well in law school, but he won’t enjoy it. Job Prospects: Zack will do best as a litigator, and will likely start his own firm within a few years. He may throw aside his law degree and use his charm to find something he likes better.

AC Slater: Cocky and motivated, but not gifted academically. Surprisingly, Slaters are not uncommon in law school despite their mental shortcomings. Slater loves discipline and rigidity, and law school has that in heaping portions. Slater will never be at the top of his class, but he might be near it, and he is smart enough to know his role and his limitations. Because of this, Slater will see law school as a positive experience. Job Prospects: Surprisingly good, since lawyers like conformists. Prosecutor, or possibly big firm yes-man with no chance of getting on the partnership track.

Screech Powers: Intelligent, but nerdy and lacking social skills. Naturally, you find a fair amount of Screechs in law school. Screech enjoys the intellectual challenge of law school, and for the first time in his life, he will be part of a large social circle, if only because there are so many other Screechs to relate to, and will have more fun than he ever has before. Screech will succeed academically, but his inability to relate to non-Screechs will limit his options. Job Prospects: Patent law or tax law or transactional law, where his nerdiness is a virtue.

Kelly Kapowski: Kelly is motivated and bubbly, and while not always the smartest person in law school, she usually exceeds expectations. Kelly will use her positive attitude to make the best of the situation, by frequenting social events and joining law school clubs and working hard to do as well as she can. Job Prospects: Will hinge directly on how bubbly her personality is in comparison to her grades. Possibly in a big firm, more likely working in public interest.

Jesse Spano: Brainy and outspoken, Jesses are the most common type of law school student. Both men and women can be named Jesse, which is fitting, since Jesses can be either gender in law school. Jesse loves to learn and challenge herself, which is admirable. However, Jesse can’t accept people who disagree with her or have a different outlook on life. Accordingly, Jesse will be confined to hanging out with fellow Jesses as she looks down her nose at her non-Jesse brethren. Job Prospects: Judicial Clerkship followed by the partnership track at a large firm.Lisa Turtle: Shallow and materialistic, Lisa’s presence in law school is somewhat of a mystery. She dresses well and is always presentable, but hates being there because “there are lots of ugly people.” Lisa may or may not do well academically, but it doesn’t matter, because she is bitter about being there in the first place. She often contemplates dropping out, and secretly hopes to meet a recent grad with a nice paying job who will save her from this academic nightmare. Job Prospects: They will be slim, but luckily, she usually lands a husband before law school is over.

If you are considering law school, but aren’t really sure what to believe when you hear about what it is really like, figure out who you are and you’ll have your answer. If you have any more questions, meet me at The Max and we’ll talk about it over cheeseburgers and milkshakes while our waiter does some magic tricks.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I remember it vividly. It was a Monday morning, about six weeks into the start of my first semester of law school. I was counting down the seconds until my class was over. The professor began wrapping up his lecture when he uttered six words that I had come to love during my undergraduate years: “On Wednesday, class will be cancelled.” The students in the classroom, myself included, all gasped and subtly cheered in delight, happy to get any sort of break from the monotony and predictability of our schedule. Then, just as our balloon had been inflated, our professor unexpectedly and cruelly stuck a needle into it. “We will have a make-up class Friday morning at 8am.”

What? Make-up class? Whoever heard of such a ridiculous thing? Why the hell would we make up a class? This isn’t baseball, where a rainout results in a doubleheader at some point later in the season. During undergrad, a cancelled class meant a respite from class that day. Chalk it up to fate, bad scheduling, or good luck, but a cancelled class was a sacred occasion to be cherished and spent however you wanted. However, law school has managed to suck the fun out of being a student just a little bit more by taking this away from us too.

If a law professor can’t make it to a particular class, in my mind, he or she has three options:

1) Just let it go. Give us a break. We can do without your infinite wisdom for a day.

2) If you must hold a make-up class, it should be completely and totally 100% optional.

3) Lets throw it back to the high school days and bring in a substitute teacher who we can abuse and ignore until she just gives up and lets us run wild for the hour while she sits quietly in the corner, looking at her watch. Now this is a class I'd actually enjoy attending.

Now, at this point, I must make a confession. I have never actually attended a make-up class. I refuse to. The very principle of it is laughable to me. My schedule says that I have a class on certain days at a certain time. That time is law school time. (Note: I know that I skip a lot of classes. But I go to more than I skip, thanks to our attendance policy. So save your skepticism.) Time that class is not scheduled is Mike time. When I miss class, I miss it. I don’t expect the professor to come teach me at a time more convenient to my schedule. I only wish they gave their students the same courtesy.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

My elementery school had a good special education program. As a part of this program, the special ed kids went to regular classes for a few hours a day. However, while the rest of us learned, the special ed kids just colored or did word finds or played with construction paper. If the kid was good and didn't disrupt the rest of the class from their normal learning, he got a gold star.

A few weeks ago, a professor scolded me for not being prepared. I was completely unfazed by this. I felt not surprise, embarassment, or regret. In fact, I didn't even look up from my IM conversation. He might as well have just told me that I was wearing a blue shirt. Being unprepared is such a common occurance for me that he was just stating the obvious. It now occurs to me that I am the law school equivalent of the special ed kid in my elementery school classes, although my impairment is not cognitive, it's motivational.

You see, a second semester 3L is different from other law students. Whatever motivation he or she once had is all but gone. For those of us who didn't have much motivation to begin with, this semester is even more excruciating. So why are professors continuing to treat us like normal law students? All of my classes have eager and ambitious 2Ls in them. They are prepared and ready to speak. They went to the trouble of reading, why not let them flex their intellectual muscles.

Thomas Jefferson once said, "There is nothing more unequal than the equal treatment of unequal people." Would it have been fair to ask the special ed kid to do the same spelling exercises or fraction problems as the rest of the class? Of course not. So why do professors expect the same work ethic from 3Ls as they do from 2Ls? If you are going to require my presence, then at least just let me sit there quietly, play with my coloring book, and if I behave, give me a gold star. We'll all be better off if you do.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I'm sure a lot of you out there are familiar with the conundrum of the modern feminist experience: the more successful a woman is --> the smaller her dating pool is --> the less likely she is to find a man --> which for many women is also a strong element of success --> which makes the point of being a feminist (read: successful woman) moot.

If that was too complicated, just watch any "Sex and the City" episode and that should get you up to speed.

My mother was in all sorts of female empowerment groups in the early 70s. She was an Indian Health Nurse (the only health care on an entire reservation) when she was 22 where she would explain to Indian women in Cree that they didn't have to be just squaws and that they should start practicing birth control and take control of their lives. While this makes for an interesting woman, it also makes for a bizarre mother. When I was 12, I remember calling a woman a "chick" and getting a stern lecture from my mother about the equality of the sexes.

Then my mother stopped working for the government and opened up her own business. Slowly, government bureaucracy and shiftless employees drove her to the brink of madness. That's right, she began listening to conservative talk radio. She claimed to be older and wiser but crazy things would come out of her mouth like, "How would you like to have been adopted by a couple of homosexuals. That should be illegal." Now, instead of getting lectures about women's equality I have to listen to, "You better do right by that girl. A woman has to depend on a man," and "A man's life is empty without the direction a woman provides from the home." The woman who once rode in an elevator with the prime minister of Canada and lectured him about women's rights would now prefer to listening to her idol, Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

Someone needs to tell Maureen Dowd that feminism has already come full circle. It has a perm, a dog named "Princess" and three boys, one of whom has a blog.