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Review:

WitnesstoitAll says:I thought that this was a very interesting experiment in style!! I'm always thrilled when authors take risks and try to do something a little more artsy than straight narrative. I think the bold lines throughout this and the final parenthetical work really well to carry this story... they are the rhythm, the driving pulse underneath the current of the story. I also appreciated the use of italics to emphasize the past and the normal text as the present. Because it is styled the way it is, it may not be totally necessary to introduce a memory explicity as you did here: An old memory hit me in the face, slapped me almost physically. I think that the construction of this story lets readers know that the next passage is a memory... and so I'd trust your readers to pick up on that. :)

I thought you worked through the emotions in this piece really well, also the description. My only other suggestion would be to clean up the formatting some. The large breaks between paragraphs located througout most of this story is a little jarring -- but really, that aside, this was a good little one-shot!

Well done.
Melissa

Author's Response: wow, I,m a little blundred xD thank you!! :3 I will try to fix the formating, now that i,ve learned how ;) I used to have that issue all the time ^^