Review

Starcrash seems to be something written by an immature Star Wars fanboy with 1,200 bucks and a couple of cameras. It somehow manages to have some measly starpower in a movie that is so wrought with poor special effects, low production values, and a convoluted plot born from the orifices of Alien: Ressurection. Starcrash is a terribly ill-conceived film, so it’s no wonder it has established a steady cult following decades after its release. A group of starfighters are sent out to destroy the evil Count Zarth Arn and stop whatever bullshit he’s up to. They fail miserably, but a survivor manages to meet up with a team of silly rogue-types and they ressurect the mission to take down the Count for good.

The plot is thin as 1% milk, and I can’t even say it has a huge charming appeal. But it is terrible, and for cult film fans, that could be the only requirement. Starcrash is the poor man’s Star Wars, 2 years after Star Wars became a thing. there were many of them around that time, Starcrash is the one most teetering between total hilarity and sheer awfulness.

Reason to Watch

Caroline Munro may not be a household name, but who cares. Her skimpy unproductive space fighting suit the “space-kini” and her overall badassery is enough to watch this thing three times over.

Context

Starcrash is an awful awful movie but it does sort of sum up the entirety of late 70’s action science-fiction flicks without all the overt presumptions following Star Wars.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Zarth Arn: By sunset I’ll be the new emperor. And I’ll be the master of the whole universe!

Emperor of the Galaxy: For the space of three minutes, every molecule on this planet will be immobilized. But after the third minute, the green ray loses it’s power. Time will flow once more and everything will explode.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

An appreciation for painful ear-splitting dialogue

Trivia

The producers and studio executives told director Luigi Cozzi to make the film as much like Star Wars as physically possible without breaking legalities

There is known stateside DVD release of Starcrash.

Producers were extremely hesitant to show Starcrash to music composer John Barry fearing he will abandon the project

All of Christopher Plummer’s shots for the Emperor were done in a single day

Educational Content

Robots dissolve as they die

The original attention for Caroline Munro was to have her in the scantily clad space-kini for the entirety of the film, but producers feared not getting a pass in American markets

Clip

Review

This is one ridiculously bizarre film. Repo Man stars Emilio Estevez is a troubled comically cliche punk rock heathen. Yet, after a series of events, he finds himself driving to drop off something that you wouldn’t believe it if I told you items being carried in his trunk. The film really has two parts. The first is just a charming harmless little comedy flick. the second is a driveling borderline nonsensical series of science-fiction flair. Repo Man is dated and very much focused in its, umm, focus, but it is too over-the-top to pass up.

Reason to Watch

Emilio Estevez of The Breakfast Club fame is slowly turned insane by aliens. Yes, aliens. Sorry for the spoiler, but I couldn’t hold that back.

Context

Repo Man doesn’t have much to say about life, reality, what have you, but it is just too ludicrous to not be watched at least once in passing. the dialogue is almost self-parody of the era, and if the trailer didn’t clarify anything for you, the film sure as hell won’t.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Debbi: Duke, let’s go do some crimes.Duke: Yeah. Let’s go get sushi and not pay.

Duke: You say our names, we’re going to have to kill all these people, Archie.

Clip

Review

Before 2003, baby Snakes was not an easy film to get a hold of. Frank Zappa had over 3 hours of film, some from backstage concerts, others short animation scenes, some interview segments, and some just pure absurd mayhem. The film Baby Snakes was long, meandering, and lacked a definitive plot. These all are typical attributes of a great cult film, which Baby Snakes has remained since its inception in 1979. Though Frank Zappa is dead, this wild film is a testament to his legacy as one of the wildest weirdest icons in music history. Part documentary, part concert film, part cartoon, Baby Snakes is a spectacle of film-making that is polarizing and odd beyond comprehension.

Reason to Watch

If you want to know anything about Frank Zappa, or are already a fan of Frank Zappa, that is enough of a reason to watch. To a greater extent, if you are in need of a film that you don’t have to get up and replay manually ever hour during extended hallucinogenic mushroom sessions, this one will do just fine.

Context

Baby Snakes is a film capstone to Frank Zappa’s prime. If that does not intrigue you, move along please, nothing to see here.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Frank Zappa: God make three mistakes. First was the man, second was the wo-man. third was the poodle. He meant to make a German Shepard but he fucked up.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

Hallucinogens. otherwise, this film is total dreck.

Trivia

The film took years to find any sort of dsitribution, constantly being rejected. Zappa thought he would cut the film from 3 1/2 hours to 90 minutes, but still no distribution. he eventually distributed the film himself and screened it in New York, where it earned a modest profit and went on to obtain a cult status.

Educational Content

Go figure- over 3 hours of Frank Zappa content and you get high just by watching

John Spartan, the name, induces immediate fear

Justification for Rating

It’s not a good film for anyone who isn’t a diehard Frank Zappa fan, and for that, it will always remain a cult film. The rating is a reflection of its length, proving that anything, yes, even dancing monkeys, can be boring after 3 hours

Review

1984 is wholly drowning in science-fiction oddities. Some of them fail miserably and others are quaint and retreaded, though sort of intriguing. Night of the Comet is unabashedly open to taking in influences from many mediums and genres, sort of crafting a romance story around a science-fiction tale, capping it with humor and drama alike. Night of the Comet isn’t particuarly good, but for what it does, you come to appreciation the seamlessness of making so many types of movies in one and having it turn less into a hodge podge mess and something not entirely pretentious. Night of the Comet is quiet for all its exaggerated tendencies, and the film comes and goes without making a huge splash, but a quiet simmer that will stick for some time. Like a slow kiss and not meaningless mediocre sex, Night of the Comet is pretty and interesting, and for sci-fi in the 80’s, that’s about as modest as it gets.

Reason to Watch

Night of the Comet does a lot right, and doesn’t focus on one thing to drive the characters through their silly story.

Context

The film’s charming elements are helped further by a story that actually sort of makes sense, something akin to a god-like impossibility in mid-80’s science-fiction realm.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Willy: You wouldn’t believe what we want from you. In your worst nightmare you wouldn’t believe.

Regina Belmont: C’mon Hector, the MAC-10 submachine gun was practically designed for housewives.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A nice cup of coffee and your viewing glasses, this contradicts the absurdity with a little bit of wholesome goodness

Trivia

The original working title for the film was Teenage Mutant Horror Comet Zombies.

The Shopping Mall featured in Night of the Comet was the Sherman Oaks Galleria. The Galleria has been used for several movies including Terminator and Fast Times at Ridegmont High.

Educational Content

If famed gruesome horror/children’s film director Robert Rodriguez likes something, it’s probably good

Malls are creepy when empty

If Night of the Comet does something right, they remind you that Dawn of the Dead is a good movie

Justification for Rating

Unlike many cult films, Night of the Comet is a legitimate engrossing movie. it takes influences from many different sources, yet on its own, its a nice mix of many different things that work well together, as opposed to a blender of random items that make a chunky gross brown smoothie.

Review

This is Spinal Tap is just as realistic of a portrayal as many legitimate documentaries, and yet this mockumentary is just about as fake as it gets. Confused? The premise is simple: create a fake documentary about a fake band and cover real topics such as band break-ups, band mismanagement, and stereos that go up to 11. This is Spinal Tap is only as real as you make it. Helmed by the tantalizingly weird Rob Reiner, the film documents a fake reality in a world where the fake is the real. It’s also intensely enthralling, and has something to say about 80’s music culture without getting all pretentious on us.

Reason to Watch

As a music fan, this is Spinal Tap is NOT to be missed. It’s humor is original, defining, and the film encapsulates a certain era better than any legitimate documentary ever could. Maybe.

Context

The stories being told aren’t directly real, but there is a sort of odd realness and crudeness to the nature of the film. Over the jokes and comedy effects, you have a film that uses the design of human nature to say something about itself without getting loaded up with documentarian tripe.

Most Memorable Quote(s)

Mick Shrimpton: As long as there’s, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.

Nigel Tufnel: It’s like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black.

Derek Smalls: We’re very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they’re like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They’re two distinct types of visionaries, it’s like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.

What You Need to Get Through This Movie

A stereo playing the movie’s volume unnecessarily loud is a necessity. Big hair. If you don’t have big hair, a mullet wig will do. Knowledge that you are watching the best thing ever is also standard, though that goes without saying.

Trivia

The actors are legitimate musicians, and performed on the Spinal Tap album

Spinal Tap named their fictitious album “The Black Album,” and made the cover entirely black. 6 years later came Metallica’s self-titled black album, whether as an homage or unrelated.

Much of the film was improv’d

Educational Content

Drummers and and will just randomly explode. Always have a back-up drummer on speed dial

There have been stereos made that dial to 11, as a direct homage to the film.

This movie is not a real documentary, so don’t look dumb not laughing like Ossy Osbourne when first viewing it, thinking it is a real documentary

Justification for Rating

After contemplating the film, you come to realize that it isn’t necessarily true in a linear sense, and it isn’t exactly littered in high production values, but it is too smart for its own good and wraps up a time and a place with such specific elegance. It also remains purely entertaining for those in the know- the cult film status, I suppose.