Have you ever felt like you can’t “get out of yourself”?This is how I’m feeling now. I almost feel like I can’t interact with others. People send me text messages. I feel like answering would take an incredible amount of effort. And it is not because I dislike those people; I really like most of those people, and even feel like they deserve a more attentive friend.

I know it is fucking weird when someone is very communicative with you for two weeks or one month and then just shut down. But it is nothing personal. It is just something I have to do, IDK why.

I gotta rant about this fan-made Voldemort movie. They want to show that Voldemort was not always a monster and evil-YES, HE WAS! That was the entire point of him! He was evil and a terrible person to begin with; he didn't change when he entered Hogwarts; graduated and returned as Lord Voldemort. There IS no good in him! Fuck sake, did you not READ the books? The entire 6th book has those lessons with Dumbledore be the revelation of Voldemort's past! He was an evil kid, he remained evil ever since. He used his magic to torture children, make animals commit suicide, and stole little trophies. Your movie is a fuck stupid idea!

I gotta rant about this fan-made Voldemort movie. They want to show that Voldemort was not always a monster and evil-YES, HE WAS! That was the entire point of him! He was evil and a terrible person to begin with; he didn't change when he entered Hogwarts; graduated and returned as Lord Voldemort. There IS no good in him! Fuck sake, did you not READ the books? The entire 6th book has those lessons with Dumbledore be the revelation of Voldemort's past! He was an evil kid, he remained evil ever since. He used his magic to torture children, make animals commit suicide, and stole little trophies. Your movie is a fuck stupid idea!

...my mother gave me her word that she wouldn't read my personal blog. I offered she do so, but she declined, saying it was my space. Bearing in mind that she has fairly old-fashioned views on mental health issues, I never told her about any of the things I experienced - when I told her I was on SSRIs, she freaked out and acted as though I was taking cocaine or something. So, I get a text from her a couple of days ago, several paragraphs, about how she read the blog she'd not looked at for over a year, and gave me the same guilt-tripping spiel she always gave me whenever I did something she disapproved of.To be honest, it feels like someone promising not to use the sharp knife, cutting themselves, and blaming the person who left the knife there. Had she not promised not to view it, I wouldn't have posted half the stuff I did - she's usually true to her word, or so I thought, so this screwed up our relationship a fair amount. Hah. I'm stopping off at my parents' on the way to visiting my best friend next week. Could be interesting.

Well, regardless, it's nice to be able to scream into the void sometimes. Typing even a watered-down version of this was a relief!

I gotta rant about this fan-made Voldemort movie. They want to show that Voldemort was not always a monster and evil-YES, HE WAS! That was the entire point of him! He was evil and a terrible person to begin with; he didn't change when he entered Hogwarts; graduated and returned as Lord Voldemort. There IS no good in him! Fuck sake, did you not READ the books? The entire 6th book has those lessons with Dumbledore be the revelation of Voldemort's past! He was an evil kid, he remained evil ever since. He used his magic to torture children, make animals commit suicide, and stole little trophies. Your movie is a fuck stupid idea!

I just gotta say, the serials and soap operas at they show here are soooo dumb. They all just follow the same tropes and such, and are padded out far too much by reaction shots and dramatic music. They're all the same shit, really. The only people who these are targeted towards are extremely bored housewives and grandmothers.

And people like me, who derive ironic enjoyment from it. Seriously, these can get so over the top it's ridiculous. I love it.

Hmm I think my boss is trying to make my life difficult to get me to quit.

Despite saying I couldn't work past a certain time as I need to go for another job I've been assigned times past that time consistently as part of huge 12-hour shifts going forward. The argument is that they don't need me in any earlier and if they did let me leave earlier it'd generate resentment in the other staff who were getting to ready to close past their finishing time. She also says my shifts are restrictive so there's not many alternatives, though I said I was able to work anytime, Tuesday, Wednesday and evenings on Thursday and even made time in my other job so those Thursday shifts could happen.

It just feels like it's directly putting pressure on me in an unreasonable way. Though I also disapprove of her expectation of the free labour past closing time when she expects people to be cleaning up, mainly in that she wants that time to be volunteered despite referring to it as the "hardest dirty work". The last food-orientated workplace I worked in offered an hours payment after close in acknowledging the realities of y'know...cleaning up and paid work.

I'm working something out but it's just not a good feeling to worry the boss is out to get you.

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

Tell your boss that expecting people to work for free - as your post implies for the cleaning time - is illegal and if she doesn't get her shit together, you'll refer her to the... I don't recall who is in charge of making sure people follow labor laws in the UK. The BBB?

Tell your boss that expecting people to work for free - as your post implies for the cleaning time - is illegal and if she doesn't get her shit together, you'll refer her to the... I don't recall who is in charge of making sure people follow labor laws in the UK. The BBB?

While I could go that route I don't know how well protected I'd be. I think she's already afraid that I'm a rules and laws advocate since she's highlighted how this is a 'family business' and it won't have the robust structure I describe. Besides even if I won an argument that way it wouldn't change her mindset and she might find unofficial ways to punish me.

I mean that's what I think my current shift patterns are already: brutal, unreasonable and inflexible but still entirely within her rights to set.

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

I'm very pissed off. I had a minor disagreement with a friend over some stupid little shit, like, something really SMALL, that most people definitely wouldn't take seriously. What bothered me the most is not the disagreement, but how he sent me this huge fucking wall of text criticizing me after the discussion, saying he wouldn't answer to my reply.

Call it pride or whatever, but I really HATE IT when people want to have the "final say" with me. Like, as if they can tell me anything they want to, and then deny me the right to talk back to them. When I think of it, I get so pissed off. Sometimes I wish I could strangle him and watch his eyes bulge out of his skull.

It is such a cowardly, a baby thing to do. I can't believe someone who is pushing 30 can be so childish. I tried to me impartial and explained the reason why he got pissed off to some people, and one of them even laughed. This is how ridiculous it is. I acknowledge when I fuck up, and definitely apologize to people when I cross the line; but this time I've made no mistakes, and if he is that offended by something so small, his problem.

Fuck you, Firefox! This is the SECOND time you forced that update on me! Fuck your Firefox 57/Quantum/Fuck-You-Up-Your-Ass whatever you call it! I specifically downloaded and downgraded to Firefox 56 because of that 57 shit. And I kept my updates purposefully turned off. You think shoving it on me AGAIN will change my mind? Well, you are wrong. Especially since you COMPLETELY DELETED ALL MY BOOKMARKS, LOGINS AND PASSWORDS! Permanently!! Fuck you, Firefox! I'm typing this via Opera now. Kiss my ass and call it ice cream, bitch!

I think I may actually be bipolar. And I’m not trying to be cliché, misinformed, “ooooh so cool mental disorder hehe” or anything of the sort. I think it is a real possibility, that is seriously scaring me.

Note to self: Never, ever play the waiting game. It sucks and you won't be getting any satisfaction out of it. I don't even know why I'm even telling myself this. I've hated waiting like this ever since childhood.

I think I may actually be bipolar. And I’m not trying to be cliché, misinformed, “ooooh so cool mental disorder hehe” or anything of the sort. I think it is a real possibility, that is seriously scaring me.

Whats scaring you about it?

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

Turns out, I'm not getting that job, after all. The guys at the store want me - they even NEED me because they are low on employees, and I would be perfect because I already know the ropes from a previous stint at Gamestop - but the higher up boss said no. Because I got fired from Gamestop previously and 'nobody gets fired without good reason'. I'd like to know that 'good reason' myself, actually. It's been a year since I got fired and I never got a clear answer as to why.

But you know what? ...I'm not even angry anymore.I've stopped caring. Stuff like this has just become the story of my life.I hate it, sure. But... why bother getting angry?It's pointless.

Sorry to hear Cat, would really hope they would have picked up a reason like this earlier so as they didn't mess you around. Can't believe the old place never explained why they fired you either! If anything they should make it clear so you can make a case for yourself and justify it Especially if it's gonna come back to haunt you in future jobs.

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

Reasons I have heard were...I was rude to a coworker. Which sounds like a very weak reason to fire someone, unless I was super racist or stepping on toes. Which I'm sure I didn't because I was always polite to my coworkers and the customers.I didn't offer enough incentives to pre-order something... which if someone had, you know, TAKEN ME ASIDE and told me to step it up or I'd be fired, I would have actually worked on getting more out. But, this could be a simple learning mistake. And everybody makes mistakes. And most people learn from their mistakes, so I don't see why such a 'simple' mistake should have me effectively banned from ever working at Gamestop again.

There was a guy who worked at the store for 1 1/2 weeks and started stealing. THAT is a good reason to be fired and blacklisted. IF that was the reason I was fired (which it can't be, I never stole money or products), I would understand it. As it is... I have no idea why I was fired. And the guy in charge of the 'blacklist' doesn't know it, either. I am going to write to the higher-ups about this.

Trump says that, in order to make schools more safe, they will give GUNS to the TEACHERS.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-Ush! Shush! Shush shush! Shhhh! Just... don't. Don't say anything. Ever again. Or that mic you are talking into will be used for your colonoscopy.

I thought I had become numb to the Trump brand of ignorance after his State of the Union address. Somehow he keeps outdoing himself.Really though, what did we expect out of the flaming sack of guy who claimed he wanted to expand the US's nuclear arsenal and expected people to applaud him for it?

"It's never too late to learn that growing old doesn't have to mean growing up. Stay curious, stay weird, stay kind, and don't let anyone ever tell you you aren't smart or brave or worthy enough." -Stanford Pines, Gravity Falls

I think I may actually be bipolar. And I’m not trying to be cliché, misinformed, “ooooh so cool mental disorder hehe” or anything of the sort. I think it is a real possibility, that is seriously scaring me.

Whats scaring you about it?

A lot of reasons. Mostly, I don't want to be associated with all the misconceptions that come with the disease; imagine saying to someone "I am bipolar", and dealing with the average person's reactions to it. And because there are people who romanticize mental illness and think this shit is cool, someone may just think you are one of those people. I hate this word, "bipolar", and manic-depressive is even worse. Maybe I should just say "mood disorder", though this still makes me sound "crazy".

--

*sigh* and yeah, it turns out my doctor thinks I probably have Bipolar II. I wanted to turn a blind eye to it, but it actually explains a lot of things; big periods of under-sleeping and not feeling tired at all (people have always found this odd about me), random bouts of extreme hyperactivity/impulsivity, and all the crazy anxiety. It is so weird to think that some people only want to be around me when I present manic symptoms, or think I'm being "cool" in those moments. I still have to think about what I am going to do about it; I'm not attracted at all to the idea of taking a mood stabilizer, at least not a strong one.

I think I may actually be bipolar. And I’m not trying to be cliché, misinformed, “ooooh so cool mental disorder hehe” or anything of the sort. I think it is a real possibility, that is seriously scaring me.

Whats scaring you about it?

A lot of reasons. Mostly, I don't want to be associated with all the misconceptions that come with the disease; imagine saying to someone "I am bipolar", and dealing with the average person's reactions to it. And because there are people who romanticize mental illness and think this shit is cool, someone may just think you are one of those people. I hate this word, "bipolar", and manic-depressive is even worse. Maybe I should just say "mood disorder", though this still makes me sound "crazy".

--

*sigh* and yeah, it turns out my doctor thinks I probably have Bipolar II. I wanted to turn a blind eye to it, but it actually explains a lot of things; big periods of under-sleeping and not feeling tired at all (people have always found this odd about me), random bouts of extreme hyperactivity/impulsivity, and all the crazy anxiety. It is so weird to think that some people only want to be around me when I present manic symptoms, or think I'm being "cool" in those moments. I still have to think about what I am going to do about it; I'm not attracted at all to the idea of taking a mood stabilizer, at least not a strong one.

Well, you will still have control of how that 'label' is used for the most part. It's not like you need to go around wearing a sign for it. Getting a doctor's opinion on it doesn't change how you've been living entirely up till now. If you've been coping fine so far then there's little reason to change. Even if you do feel you need some kind of help with it, it doesn't mean you need to let a 'label' rule your life.

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

....is it supposed to be possible to dislocate your knee randomly when walking normally? Cause it apparently is for me. I really didn't need something like this right now. Painful part is over at least, but having to go around with a cast now...

I think it's possible for that to happen when you have cramps. I'm so, so sorry for you though. I've known how it feels to be like that, and it really is just the absolute worst. I hope you get better soon.

I drank a lot yesterday. I drank because I felt guilty. My uncle passed away and I didn't get to grieve because I wanted to stay strong for my grandmother. I shed a few tears, but I didn't get all of my emotions out.Why do I feel guilty?I had the opportunity to see him, but I showered too late and no one could wait for me because my grandpa can't sit/stand for too long so they just wanted to go see my uncle asap. I don't blame them. I don't want my grandparents to overexert themselves. I was sad that I didn't go, but I told myself there would be another chance.I wanted to see him on my next day off, which was the following day. He passed that morning and I've been feeling nothing but guilt because of it. I should have just gotten ready earlier and saw him, but I wasn't thinking. I thought I'd have more time... but death doesn't wait.There's a liquor store by my job and I never go in there. I'm not a drinker. I don't drink because alcoholism runs in my family hardcore and I don't want to fall into that. I'm better than that, I know... Anyway, after my shift yesterday, I walked into the liquor store and bought alcohol. I kept asking myself "Why am I doing this?", but my body just kept on with the transaction. I felt like someone or something was controlling me because I wasn't aware at that moment. I just put it in the fridge and assumed I'd have half a can or so later that evening. Later on in the night I was thinking about my grandparents and how one day I'd lose them so I started drinking. Can after can after can. My grandparents mean absolutely everything to me and losing them will destroy me. I ended up in hysterics and couldn't stop crying. Breathing was hard too at that point. I just... I felt so broken and out of it. I couldn't stop drinking or crying. I wanted to have a good night, but I ended up feeling worse. I worried the people that care about me to the point where my grandma called me around midnight to calm me down. It worked, thankfully. Her voice is so soothing, warm, and comforting. She told me to stop crying and to not drink anymore because it would make me worse. It did. She made me laugh by telling me jokes about my grandpa and told me she loves me and that was that. I calmed down and passed out right after.I never want to do that again. I don't want to rely on a bottle to help me cope like a lot of my family members do. I know I can talk to people, but when I'm in that mindset, I just shut off, you know? I'm sorry that this post was so long. I just needed to let all of this out.

Update:My depression got worse and I'm not feeling "all there" mentally. I'm not going to the funeral tonight. I can't go. I feel like I'll completely shut down mentally at this point and I don't know what's going to happen from there. I hope all of this blows over and I'll be okay. I am leaving in exactly two weeks after all. I should be happy, but I feel damaged.

I hate hate dark chocolate. It's so damn toxic and disgusting. How could anybody eat this? It seriously tastes like crap. Main reason I'm saying this is because someone bought us some orange-flavoured dark choc (which tastes even worse somehow) and everyone in the house is refusing to eat it. That's how bad it is. Thankfully we've gotten rid of it now.

I take the pill to keep my menstrual cycle regular. If I don't take it, I revert back to how it was 10 years ago, when it was highly irregular, and when I did have it, it was excrutiatingly painful. I am talking about not only bleeding, but also blasting things out of my rear end and my mouth. I'm waiting for the mail to finally bring my the prescriptiong I asked my gyno to send last week.My mom's reaction to my potentially going back to suffering this is "it won't kill me".Thanks, mom. Now I know that you don't care if your daughter is suffering severe pain from something that SHOULDN'T be painful.

I'm going through one of those moments when I feel my irritation can make me explode at any time. I'm doing my best to control all of my aggressive impulses, but people are so annoying. Passive-aggressive fucking morons.

First off, when you have a mental illness and everybody in your family knows about it, it seems like they are always "monitoring" you, judging your emotional states, "scanning" you, looking for "something wrong". I have to be perfect, happy, stable every time, otherwise I'm relapsing and they ask me, "have you been taking your pills?" lol. I mean, I'm a human being, for God's sake. I have every right to feel anger or to be melancholic sometimes. Bad feelings exist, and they aren't always pathological.

*sigh* Anyway, I've been doing okay since I started with Lamictal. I feel mostly stable and had no depressive episodes at all (most important thing), but some few (hypo)manic symptoms come back/still pop up sometimes. I'm starting with a small dose of Lithium next week - let's see what it will do.

Summer is already starting to get to me. Might've stayed outside too long, accumulated a headache and had to stay back and rest. I haven't had an afternoon siesta ever since I last had a fever, in all honesty. Shows a lot how I've burnt out (lol).

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