I’m a sports fan and I need an EPL team. The reason I need an EPL team is that after this year’s highly entertaining FIFA World Cup, I’m sort of starting to get into soccer or football or whatever I have to call it these days.

As any sports fan knows, to really get into the game you need a team. Without a team you’re just a spectator standing beside a giant roller coaster. Pick a team and you’re on the ride.

And I love that ride. Bumpy or smooth, it’s an addiction. That’s why I have an NRL team (Tigers), an AFL team (Giants, sort of), a Super Rugby Team (Brumbies), an NFL team (Cardinals), a cricket team (Australia or whoever’s playing England) and even an Australian Baseball League (ABL) team.

That’d be the mighty Sydney Blue Sox, by the way. What’s not to love about a team whose logo is a furious blue sock? Grrrrr. Angry sock! Some shoe must’ve really pissed it off.

You should see how mad the underpants are.Source:news.com.au

Back to my EPL quest. I need a team, but which one?

One of the reasons I’ve always avoided picking an EPL team is that I don’t have any particular cultural affinity with the place, having never ventured to England in my adulthood and being utterly devoid of Anglo-Saxon blood (my English-sounding surname is in fact an Anglicised version of an Eastern European Scrabble hand from hell).

To be honest, it’s always seemed a little sycophantic when Australians pledge their emotional allegiance to some small patch of London, or a city in England’s north.

But I get it, I get it. It’s not about geography. It’s about pound-for-pound (in financial and weight terms), the best damn football competition in the world, give or take the Spanish league. You pick a team and you’re not picking a city, you’re picking a club. A new set of allegiances and connections.

Nope to the grumpy grey-haired European manager. And nope to the other grumpy grey-haired European manager. (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)Source:Getty Images

Naturally then, it’s no small choice. So here’s my early thinking. I’m thinking I have no interest in any of the big boys like Manchester United, Man City, Liverpool, Arsenal or Chelsea. They’ve got enough fans and anyway, as you can see from the average bunch listed at the top of the page, I’m more of a hopeless team kind of person. Your occasional successes are much sweeter that way.

But still, which team? Everton is likeable enough, but they finish about ninth every year. If I wanted that sort of a tease I’d follow Richmond.

Crystal Palace is an option, especially with Socceroos skipper Mile Jedinak as captain. But its name is a little silly.

Sorry Mile. We’re just not fans of people in glass houses. (Photo by Pete Norton/Getty Images)Source:Getty Images

Ditto Tottenham Hotspur. What is a hotspur anyway? The only hot Spurs I know are that sizzling San Antonio mob who beat the Miami Heat in the NBA finals.

Hull? Their name suggests they’ll finish near the bottom. Stoke? I don’t want to sound like a surfie every time I talk about the footy. West Ham? Sounds like luncheon meat.

In all seriousness, I’m looking for a team which is not so wealthy and oil money-fuelled that the winning feeling would be hollow, but not so hopeless they’ll be relegated. Because forget it, nuh-uh, no way am I following a team in Division 2 or whatever the next level is these days.

This all boils down to the word I started with. Help.

The diver and the diva. No thanks. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)Source:Getty Images

Send in your suggestions in the comments below, or to @antsharwood on Twitter, and I’ll follow whichever team is mentioned most all season. I can’t promise I’ll buy the jumper, but I will watch as many of their games as I can. This should be fun. It’ll be like adopting a new puppy, and we can’t wait to see who you guys pick.