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How to please your man in bed

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be tacky. I have a different fee scale for tack. But I am here to talk about “how to please your man in bed”.

In my parents’ day the solution to this often intractable problem was easy; if your man was in bed, you brought him a cup of tea. Result, one very pleased man.

But I will start in a roundabout way by considering ex-girlfriends’ bedrooms and what goes on in them.

In my pre-commitment days I was on (sadly very rare) occasions allowed into the bedrooms of several women. Sooner or later, these women very foolishly decided to let me go. Please don’t think I was being anti-women, but my guess at the time was that these decisions were based on the time of the month. After all, normal people don’t burst into tears, scream, throw things at other people and coldly say things like “Get out of here, you bastard, and never come near me again”. I really could not at that time imagine that I had done anything wrong. I assure everyone that since then I have had cause to reconsider many such attitudes and modify them; let’s call it a learning curve.

Anyhow, in the bedrooms of all ex-girlfriends (amidst tights and skimpy underwear) were a pile of women’s magazines. What will replace these with the expansion of the Internet is anyone’s guess, but if the slump in sales in what used to be called men’s magazines is anything to go by they will have to work very hard.

From this male’s point of view all women’s magazines are very much the same. They contain pictures of women, often draped on luxurious settees, a croissant here, a black coffee there. There is the occasional picture of a man but I’m telling you, real men don’t look like that. Women’s magazines contain more written content than men’s magazines (the more lurid titles I guess ex-boyfriends tidily put away under the bed). They also contain lots of indispensable advice. It is sad that this advice is often ignored, particularly when it is on the subject of “How to please your man in bed”.

It may come as a pleasant surprise to some male readers that such articles exist and are regularly published. But a note of caution. I warn male readers that it is rarely in a man’s interest to bring attention to these articles, since the genuine desire to educate one’s partner is often misconstrued as criticism or an attempt to encourage unwelcome kinkiness. Nor should men leave the magazine lying open at these pages – far too obvious. Try bending the spine of the magazine in a couple of places, say a fashion article and “How to please your man in bed”.

The penis is held by some psychologists (apologies for my choice of words) to have a special role because it is both a part of the body with its own unique qualities and it is also often thought of as a symbol of masculinity. Hence, bigger penises are commonly spoken of as being better penises. Fortunes can be made by pharmaceutical companies keen to make penises work efficiently. Sufficiently desperate men will risk their health by buying Viagra without a prescription.

Psychologists love to answer questions with more questions. So the second question, in my opinion, is “Why would a woman want to please her man in bed?” I ask this in all seriousness as pleasing other people, in environments where this is not likely to be returned, is a sure way to a miserable life. Equally, attempting to get or keep a man in a relationship with sex alone usually ends in tears for all concerned.

Which brings us neatly to the issue of reciprocity. Soft-core pornography and the plethora of “men, motors and models” magazines, generally speaking, do not put building and maintaining relationships with woman high on their list of editorial priorities. So who teaches men to be good considerate lovers? Sexual behaviour contains a large learned component for both women and men; it is girlfriends, wives and partners who, by communicating, teach men to be good lovers.

The difficulty is how to teach without being critical. Giving a man 4/10 for performance and a C-minus for quality of equipment will hit where it most hurts. Being “good enough” is a battle that generates so many other problems for men. Women tempted to use this approach should reserve it for revenge purposes only.

A sexual environment in which both men and woman can feel free to communicate what they enjoy is often the main step from which all other changes can occur at their own speed. But for both men and women these types of communication can play into some of our most closely held insecurities.

Having gone so far I realise I haven’t answered the question. Psychologists, being scientifically trained people, need to work from a sample, so at some point I’ll ask my mates out for a drink and get them to tell me what they reckon. When and if that happens I promise to tell you the printable stuff. In the meantime have a look around your bedroom, or failing that your newsagent.

I only ever go into one woman’s bedroom now. At some point the thought of the dramas that unfold in other such places, became attractive only as imaginary diversions. When exactly that happened I am not sure, but hopefully these subtle changes and the learning that goes with them explain why I don’t have to duck quite so much any more.

Have you got anything to say about sex and communication? We’d love to hear from you – please comment!