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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Yet another one of those posts about sex

Yep, you read that one right. This is going to be one of those posts about sex, or more specifically the frustration caused by lack there of. For those of you who know Grey and me in real life, I apologize for the mental imaginary you're about to experience. But, like so much other stuff in my life, I need to get this one out.

Whenever talking about sex, there are always many points in time one can begin with. One could talk about their relationship with sex from a young age, retelling the embarrassment they experienced having "the talk" with your parents (my mother was ahead of the game and I got all the facts about conception by the time I was 9 yrs old), you could start about talking about your first crush, your first sex-dream, the first time you and your love-interest decided to explore, the role religion played in your decision to either wait until marriage or throw caution to the wind. So many places to start. But one common theme comes out again and again when people decide to talk about sex: most of us have a complex relationship with it. The idea of engaging in an act that basically requires letting go of one's inhibitions in order to truly find enjoyment (hence requires lots of trust and good communication) is deeply in contradiction with societal views (sex is shameful, dirty and is not to be discussed), hang-up with self image and even issues with power (sexual abuse, rape, or even a partner who shames you because you don't fit into their skewed idea of "perfect').

On my end, I've always had hang ups about sex. Growing up as a Catholic, it was very much engrained that sex outside of marriage was a major sin. The idea of "impure thoughts" let alone exploration was always quashed. There were additional levels too, with me viewing myself as an ugly duckling and thinking that I would never find a boyfriend, let alone get married. And there was the fact I was desperate to get out of dodge, with anything standing in my way of spreading my wings, especially an unplanned pregnancy, needing to be deflected if not eliminated all together. Add in one unfortunate incident where I had the pleasure of witnessing my parents in the act (for all parents, PLEASE consider other arrangements for sexy time, as trying to be quiet in a hotel room you're sharing with your teenage children isn't really a great idea), and you've got the makings of an asexual.

So it wasn't until college that I really allowed myself to explore the topic of sex at any level. And even then, my access to resources were limited.

Meeting Grey changed all of that. From the very beginning, he was patient with me as we explored not only my hang-ups (some of which he shared) but also provided a safe environment so we could both explore. Shaming has been the ultimate no-no in our relationship, as it inhibits not only exploration but also dampens trust. So from the beginning, open and honest communication has been key. And for the first 6 yrs of our relationship, this model worked out great.

Then we decided to try for a baby.

I don't need to elaborate with this audience how much infertility fucks with one's sex life, but for those who are looking for more information read here,here and this study, which is also summarized here. Regardless, it's well known that the prescribed sex, the monthly grieving pattern following BFNs, feelings of failure associated with the act to a general decay in self-worth. Infertility is the nuclear warhead to a healthy sex life. The thing is as one is in the midst of it, there's this hope that one day, after infertility is behind you, you'll be able to reclaim the sex life you once had. The problem is no one really openly talks about how to accomplish this.

There's an added wrinkle to all of this. For me, my pregnancy with the Beats ended very traumatically. Though I am forever grateful to the amazing medical staff who not only saved my life but also provided amazing medical care to the Beats during their time in NICU, the truth is that seeing my twins hooked up to machines, having wires and tubes coming out of their incredibly small bodies and having them live in a plastic isolette for about 2 weeks solidified how much my body had failed them and their siblings. Instead of marveling at what my body could do, providing a warm, safe environment for them to grow, I was struggling with the growing guilt and shame of this failure as a mother. Add in the fact that my body is still distorted, I'm at least 30 lbs overweight and Raynaud's phenomenon makes it so that my boobs are on fire every couple of hours and the result is the idea of "sexy" is pretty much quashed.

The past week a lot of this has come to a head. Grey is frustrated with this element of our relationship being gone and, frankly, so am I. I find I'm much more irritable with people, resenting the idea that others have found ways to bring this back into their lives (which is evident by the recent pregnancy/birth announcements). The problem is how to overcome it. And for this, I'm completely at a loss, as compared to other pressing items like sleep, job security, dealing with a leaky roof, dealing with destructive neighbors (who by-the-way have INCREDIBLY noisy sex makes one wonder if they aren't simply filming a porno), on top of child-care and day-to-day logistics, sex and personal care is pretty much at the bottom of the list.

So, my question to all of you is this: how do you do it? How do you prioritize sex during/after infertility? Thoughts, suggestions and even crazy stories completely welcome.

15 comments:

My best piece of advice is to prioritize intimacy. Don't stress about the sex (yet) but try to focus on emotional and physical intimacy. Even when you don't feel I've being touched by anyone else, kiss your husband and hold his hand... And give yourself some time. Gl!

Aw honey *hugs* that's a lot to deal with and totally understandable that sex would fall by the wayside. My DH and I aren't terribly active in that department--never have been, aside from during IF when we did it constantly and more often than not it was just work. Now with two kids to chase after, once a month is probably our average. We are pretty okay with it, but I'm coming to realize that we might benefit on making it slightly more of a priority, because I definitely find myself shorter than I'd like most of the time. I hope you can find a balance and a way to find a new normal that works for you both.

I know this is one thing that Al and I work so very hard on and it is work. Regardless, sex and being intimate is a very important part of a relationship. For us, sitting down and talking, remembering what turns us on and also trying new things and different things. The most important part is not putting it on the back burner and thinking everything will be alright without extended intimacy. Of course this is just what works for us. I know everyone is different.

"Infertility is the nuclear warhead to a healthy sex life. The thing is as one is in the midst of it, there's this hope that one day, after infertility is behind you, you'll be able to reclaim the sex life you once had." Yes! This exactly! I can't tell you how many times I've thought to myself that after this is all over, we'll be able to salvage it. But the truth is, we're not really trying now. Not via sex that is. Our sex life is technically unimpeded by TTC, and yet it's still just hard. In this season I'm just trying to offer a lot of grace to myself and my husband. But I know I'm certainly with you in the hopes that there are better days ahead.

You. Are. Not. Alone. I walk with you in this. Currently pregnant with twin boys after nearly 3 years of infertility. Your words are so true and honest. I'll be following the comments because I too need this same advice.

Umm...we have talked about this a lot. And unfortunately, 15 months down the road and I still have not figured out how to bring it back. I don't mean to scare you, only to show you aren't alone. IF, loss, birth, dealing with a new body type...it's all a recipe for disaster in the bedroom department. We are tipping the scales at once...maybe twice a month if i can find my sex drive. It is seriously gone and I have no idea how to find it. Just keep talking to Grey and make sure he knows it has nothing to do with him. It may not make him feel much better, but he needs to understand it. "It's not you, it's me."

I have no advice to offer because I'm in the same boat. 3 years of infertility, high risk twin pregnancy, currently have 2.5 year old twins, have been ttc for a year+ and are planning for an end of summer FET. I hope someone out there has something brilliant to say! =)

I hear you sister. You are not alone. I've started making sure DH and I at least kiss when he leaves for work and comes home. And when we are too tired at the end of the day we just cuddle up and watch TV for a while. I do think it is important to prioritize, but also recognize that this is a season too. Don't beat yourselves up.

It sounds like a lot of us are looking for the same answer, myself included. I had a pretty healthy sex drive before pregnancy, but now it's nonexistent. And that depresses me a lot. On the rare occasion that we do have sex, I'm basically just going through the motions and can't let go and get into it. I'm always thinking of something else like, Will the baby stay asleep? or How long will this take because I'm tired and really just want to sleep? I feel terrible about it and feel awful for my husband. I keep wondering when (or if) things will return to the way they were.

Thank you so much for writing this Cristy!!!! I have written posts in my own mind about this a million times over, but never have the energy to write about it (let alone do it!).

This is so hard - I think that sex after babies is hard no matter what. When you throw infertility on top of it all, sex can be a recipe for disaster. Sometimes it's seamless, but often it's not and there are all sorts of emotions (hurt feelings, guilt - oh I too grew up Catholic so I know firsthand all about this, fear of failure...) and then it all goes to shit some nights.

Our sex life was tainted years ago when we started trying to become parents ... we are in the recovery stages of PTSD as a result. I hope you/others write more about this topic ... it's not something we talk about enough, but I imagine it is something that inflicts a massive amount of stress on many (most?) of our relationships.

Schedule it. Sounds so silly and unromantic, but if we make a pact that every Friday night we are going to have sex... I tell ya, we never regret it once it's done! It also helps you to get back in the habit of WANTING to do it spontaneously again someday. It's just like exercising or eating healthy or whatever - you have to make it a habit, and it's hard at first to get into it...

Also, maybe you need to do it on a Saturday afternoon during nap time for awhile instead. I was WAY too tired by the time the kids were in bed for awhile, but a Saturday mid-day was doable. Good luck!

Beyond scheduling (which we do and has been helpful) we also watch stuff we find exciting together (sometimes just a rom com, sometimes something more explicit if you get my drift). Even if we don't wind up with actual sex as a result, we have some connection that relates to sex/intimacy. It took about 3-6 months after I was done nursing for me to be vaguely interested and not in pain (also have Raynaud's) so that's when we started scheduling and every few weeks. I'd also agree that afternoon naptime was much more possible than after bedtime. Also more exploring of intimacy and broadening intimacy to include lots of comforting touch and soforth.

I don't have much experience with sex w/o infertility as a factor, but from what my fertile friends have told me, a lot of this stuff is true for them as well. Keeping romance and intimacy alive takes so, so much work. And when you're tired, self conscious, stressed, and/or have lots of people demanding lots of things of you (especially children), it can feel literally impossible. This is SO not a permanent solution, but honestly, sometimes something like a glass of wine (or two) can really help me. (-: Since I'm pregnant now, that's not an option, but sometimes treating myself to something sensual (as in related to the senses) - a yummy meal, my favorite lotion, a beautiful song, a massage, etc - can help me feel a little more in the mood. Lastly, the scheduling thing never works for me. It always makes me feel like "we said we'd do this and now we have to." I'm in a much better place with sex when I initiate and even surprise my husband by doing so...even if it's the very last thing I want to do right then. That way, I feel like it was my choice, not something that I really "should" be doing. Again, the wine can help with the initiating thing. (-:

About Me

After many blissful years of marriage, my husband Grey and I decided to toss the birth control and take the plunge into parenthood. What we've encountered instead is a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and an inability to stay pregnant. Now, after two losses, a failed FET, a diagnosis of APA syndrome and an early delivery & NICU experience, we are finally parenting our miracle twins. This is our story.