juggling motherhood, money, and art. life without a net.

Staying Together For the Sake of the Kids?

I was a little quiet last week. It was pretty busy around here. In addition to building two sets of bunkbeds, my husband and I also celebrated our 15th anniversary. Considering that people at our wedding reception were literally placing bets on how soon we’d split, I’d say someone owes us A LOT of money. At 15 years, we’ve totally dusted all of our parents’ marriages.

Who are those kids?

We got married years before any of our friends. In fact, our wedding party was so young (including us) that they showed up 15 minutes LATE to the ceremony. I mean, who knew that you were supposed to be there two hours early? Probably the wedding planner that we didn’t hire. Whatever. Seems to have worked out.

Over the years, as our friends got married, we’ve been asked for the secret to a long successful marriage. I always say the same thing: “It’s easy. Just don’t get divorced.”

But that’s a lie. It may be simple, but it’s not easy.

It’s also not a great piece of advice. It tackles the “long” part of the question, but just glosses over the “successful” bit. That bit requires more thought, and as I’ve lately watched several marriages around me disintegrate, I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

Most of the people I know in the throes of divorce have children. These are not unencumbered folks who can pack up their futon and their album collection and move on because they’ve found greener pastures. No, these are people who have struggled for years to repair hurtful, destructive relationships in hopes of preserving an intact family for their kids. In some cases there is a main offender. In others, no one in particular is to blame. But regardless, in every case, there is someone who has been trying to protect the children from the trauma of growing up in a “broken home.”

My parents split when I was nine. I remember being sent to the school guidance counselor to talk about my parents’ divorce. I remember my mom bringing home library books written for children whose families were breaking up. I remember feeling horribly guilty that all I felt was relief. Because here’s the thing: my family was broken long before my parents got divorced. I knew it even if they wouldn’t admit it. I think most kids do. My parents’ divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me. It confirmed what I’d long hoped was true, that marriage was supposed to be better than what I saw around me everyday.

It helped set my standard for a successful marriage. Forget about being madly in love. Even in a great marriage, you will fall out of love sometimes. Being married is what keeps you together until you can fall back in.

Here are the questions I ask myself: Am I showing my children what a marriage is supposed to be? Am I modeling for them how to treat your partner and how one should expect to be treated? Would I be happy to see my children in a marriage like mine? As long as I can answer in the affirmative the vast majority of the time, I consider my marriage successful. Should the time come when I can’t, it’s time to break up for the sake of the kids.

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AMEN! When my first marriage ended after 24 years with the oldest in college and the youngest a senior I. High school, they were upset. Not over the divorce happening but that it didn’t happen sooner so they could’ve had more peace. Until I learned to let regrets go, it was my biggest regret.

AMEN! When my first marriage ended after 24 years with the oldest in college and the youngest a senior I. High school, they were upset. Not over the divorce happening but that it didn’t happen sooner so they could’ve had more peace. Until I learned to let regrets go, it was my biggest regret.

I totally agree! My parents getting divorced was the best thing to happen to our family. It gave us all a chance to be happy. My parents divorced when I was 2, remarried when I was 2, divorced again when I was 11. Every day was a scary battle that caused many scars. Staying together for the kids is crap! Just saying! A child seeing their parents hurt, hurt each other, and/or drag the kids into it is not a happy home! Having two separate happy parents creates a better environment. Although I did learn what it takes to make a complete disaster of a marriage and what can make a great one!!!!! Coming up on 12 years with the greatest man I have ever known.

Joe and I have been married for 44 years. A lot of that time my husband was working and was away four or five days each week while I was raising 3 kids. When he wasn’t flying, he was working on a business we owned, an inn on the coast of Maine.

He is now a retired airline pilot. The hardest part now was getting used to him being around most of the time. We again learned how to be a married couple in love. There is a now something in our lives that brings us closer than ever. Our love is different. Maybe it is because we survived through thick and thin. Joe is 71 and I’m almost 70. We really need each other for the little things. My husband brings me coffee each morning while I’m still in bed waking up. I need him to find my glasses when I take them off and can’t find them. I finally taught him to NOT put our brightly colored cotton or wool clothes in the washer on HOT. Just yesterday he lifted a huge flower pot I bought at Home Goods out of my car for me. I know I could have gotten it out by myself when I was thirty, forty, or even fifty. Just last night I spent massaging his foot for about an hour. It really helped him. He was just skipping with our grandson and pulled a muscle. Those things just don’t happen in your forties. I’m even teaching him how to cook, so when I don’t feel like making dinner like I did for many years, he does. We share that job now. He NEVER went to the grocery store when he was working. We share that now too, but he still doesn’t read labels before buying food. He is getting better all the time. He now knows hydrogenated oils make your heart clog up. Since I am not working anymore, he has more money than I do, so I find I am asking him to buy something I need or want. I NEVER did that when I was working.

It wasn’t all milk and honey while we had young kids. We went through the unemployment scenario 2x, one for a two year stint during the first oil embargo. Joe wasn’t ever home ’cause he was out finding jobs here and there. I’d go to bed crying many nights worrying about how there would be enough money for food, mortgage, oil, gas, and clothes for growing kids. That goodness for church sales. I even joined a food co-op to buy the food we needed at reduced prices. When we had just one little girl I got a job teaching in a preschool/daycare so our Beck and I would go together to school leaving the house five days a week at 6:00 A.M. That sure helped. When we had three little children I didn’t work outside the house, and I am glad. At that time I had to buy long johns so I could leave the heat at about 60ish while the kids were at school and Joe was not home. We bought a falling down, and I really mean falling down, inn to have a fall back if unemployment hit us again. It did. Something was on our side through all that chapter of beginning a rickety inn with NO money during an economic recession.

As you may tell, if you get through the crazy times when you are working to raise your children and your spouse is working 200 hours a week so you all have clothes on your backs, food on the table, electricity to light your house, heat in your house all winter, enough money to buy medicine when your kids get sick you will make it. We made it through all that stuff.

I remember the night we lay in bed when our youngest was out of college and on her own. We agreed we did a good job letting our kids be the people they are and not who we wanted them to be. They will be just fine in this big bad world. We look at our adult children with husbands/wives and have children of their own, and we know they will all be OK. The best part of having great children with now great families of their own, happens when you spend a day with grandchildren. They sure make you fall in love one more time, and the wild times of the last 40 + years all worth it.

I so wish you ALL could visit and be with us like you did a few Thanksgivings ago. We still have turkeys, and it’s mating season. The big honkin’ tom has been hanging around looking for a sweet baby that will have him. In a a month or two there will be a BUNCH of turklings ( And what is a baby turkey really called?) running around in the woods.

I completely agree! My parents split up when I was 4 and the only memories I have of them married are yelling at each other. They didn’t always get along after the divorce, but they made things work as far as visitation rights went. They are both now happily remarried and those marriages are a much better example to me of how marriage should be. I can’t even imagine having grown up with my parents married and I’ve always said I’m happy product of divorce.

I got married young and then divorced after 5 years, no kids to tie us together. Now I’m happily remarried too with one son who I hope will see our marriage as successful. But same as you, if it’s not, it’s time to break up although I hope that day never comes.