Be it enacted by the Senate of the United States of America in Congress assembled, this Act may be cited as the “Peremptory & Preemptive Senator Self-Nicknaming Act” wherein the senators, to remove the sting of the president’s bullying, have unanimously agreed to prophylactically give themselves nicknames in advance of Donald J. Trump invariably doing so when the senators inevitably and imminently cross him or question him or doubt him or voice long-harbored suspicions or otherwise draw his ire. Nicknames must be sufficiently stupid and rudimentary to make Trump think he thought of them himself but also sufficiently innocuous to preserve the senators’ delicate psyches.

Alabama

Richard “Drink the Juice” Shelby
“Lex” Luther Strange

Alaska

Lisa “The Evil Queen” Murkowski
Dan “Cheesy Moustache Man” Sullivan

Arizona

John McCain “Extra Crispy Frozen Tater Tots”
Jeff “Frosted” Flake

Arkansas

John “the Snooze Man” Boozman
Tom “Cotton Eye Joe” Cotton

California

Dianne “Dirty Diana” Feinstein
“Chicken Marsala” Kamala Harris

Colorado

Michael “Bend It Like” Bennet
Cory “88 Fingers” Gardner

Connecticut

Richard “Transformer Face” Blumenthal
Chris “Weird Hair Line” Murphy

Delaware

Tom “Snaggletooth” Carper
Chris “Corn Cob Head” Coons

Florida

Bill “Half” Nelson
“Miniature” Marco Rubio

Georgia

Johnny “Droopy Dog” Isakson
David “Chicken Man” Perdue

Hawaii

Brian “The Past Tense of Shits Is” Schatz
“Crazy” Mazie Hirono

Idaho

Mike “Burn the Crepe” Crapo
Jim “Squish the Knish” Risch

Illinois

Dick “Dirk Diggler – NOT!” Durbin
Tammy “Duck, Duck, Goose” Duckworth

Indiana

“Camel Toe” Joe Donnelly
Todd “Flung the Dung” Young

Iowa

Chuck “Mow The” Grassley
“Full of Baloney” Joni Ernst

Kansas

Pat “Chrome Dome” Roberts
“Scary” Jerry Moran

Kentucky

Mitch “Banjo Mouth” McConnell
Rand “Ogilvie Home Perm” Paul

Louisiana

Bill “Sam the Eagle from The Muppets” Cassidy
John N. “The N is for ‘NOTJFK’!” Kennedy