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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Family vs Friends vs What i Really Want to Do

Assalamualaikum~

Huuhhhh... It has been a while since i last blogged.
I tried blogging more often, but somehow i couldn't get the time to sit and type away relaxedly.
I'd rather just be with my kids and do whatever i need to with them, because whenever they see me at the computer, they'd do anything to make it stressful for me bahahhaahaaa!

And then there's that.
Family vs Friends vs What I Really Want To Do.

A few days ago on June 9th 2017, a dear friend of mine, Shea Rasol, has passed on.. It was heart breaking..

Last year, at our regular yearly preloved ramadhan sale, she told me she had stabbing pains in her stomach area and back then, she suspected it was batu karang. Then after a few weeks, i texted her asking how she was doing and that was when she told me she was diagnosed with cancer. She had urachal cancer, a rare type..
Of course i was devastated..

The last time i saw her was actually at that preloved sale last year. *cries*

I kept asking if i could go meet her but because of her chemotherapy, and then her health & strength was sliding, i knew she wasn't looking for time to lepak. She was using her time to get closer to Allah and i completely respect that.

But then, still.. I feel so guilty.. For not texting her more and MAKE her see me. Haha!
Do you know that one person (or many, idk) yang macam tak kisah orang tu kisah ke tak, aku nak jumpa aku jumpa gak. <- this person don't live with regrets and i admire this kind of person.

Now nak regret pun buat apa kan.. Tapi at least i am glad that i did do something for her. I gave her a "Comfort Kit" which were Typo stuff: bantal, notebook & a heart badge because that's her brand. Her sister told me that she used the bantal so that made me feel a little less guilty. I do wish i did see her though when she was healthier. Macam takde rezeki sebab bila pergi hantar the comfort kit, she wasn't home.. Oh well.
I went to see her everyday since she was admitted in the hospital after we got the message that she collapsed. I had to leave my kids with hubs and sometimes my mom when i went and itupun boleh buat i rasa guilty for my kids and my mom..

And on the day of her passing, i missed her by a few minutes je.. My husband drove me to the hospital with the kids, and when i got the news, sebab dah dalam kereta and dah gerak dah, so tak dapat nak patah balik..
So macam sedih gila. I never cried so hard for many days, for so long..

However, mashaAllah, subhanallah, alhamdulillah.. She was loved by so many that on the day of her perkebumian, the masjid was filled with people praying for her! Made me feel so awed that this person is actually a friend of mine and i felt soooo honoured and grateful to know such a person. Allah truly has chosen someone super special, that she left in the holiest month and on a Friday, and gave her time to repent and get closer to Him. =')

May Allah accepts all her good deeds, erased her sins and elevates her rank in the Heavens, inshaAllah.. Al fatihah for arwah Farah Syahirah..

You are sorely missed.

So..
At the state she was in when i saw her, i felt angry at myself.

Kenapa i had to see her in this circumstance? Kenapa masa masa macam ni baru dapat jumpa my friends? Kenapa i tak just do what i want to do, regardless how my kids are? Kenapa i keep making my family like my barrier from doing things i want, going wherever i want and meeting people i care about?

I deeply love my family, yes, but i love my sanity too. And i thought i've been doing what i've wanted all this while, but when this happened, i realised that i haven't done anything out of my comfort zone since i had my kids.
Nadrah & Isaac can be a handful when we're in public places. They somehow can drain my mental and physical energy in 30minutes when we're out. Sebab i ni memang selalu alone with the kids doing grocery shopping, or whatever, kadang kadang masa tengah makan ke, tengah shopping ke, tengah something la, dan dan je masa tu nadrah nak shishi, pastu isaac terberak. Pastu kita berlari lari ke tandas =')

I always have to be stern with nadrah because she likes to run around, so imagine kalau bawak kenduri kawen or majlis, aduih.. poning den. And when she throws tantrums, it's like dunia ni dah tonggang terbalik. Isaac lak dah start tanak duduk diam. So rather than going through all this kerenah, sakit hati, sakit mental dan sakit jiwa raga, i just avoid going to gatherings and stuff especially if i need to bring the kids along, which is like yeah: All. The. Time.
Housewife/StayAtHomeMom/WorkAtHomeMom camtu la gayanya. For me la.

If i can go cuckoo with my own kids, i can't imagine how they drive my mom craycray too. That's why i feel guilty whenever i had to leave them with me madre..

I remember how that one day, we were eating at a restaurant, and our kids were going all out tantrum: nadrah nak something, tak dapat, then nangis. We gave in to her to make her quiet but she still went at it. Isaac lak tak sedap duduk, nak jalan, letak dalam baby chair mengamuk, bila dukung, dia tolak tolak ("kang aku lepas, jatuh, nangis. aku kena marah suami lak.. aduduuhhh"), and then i don't remember who, one of them just pushed a cup and habis tumpah air pastu orang macam "*inhaled* huuuhhhh!".
And hubs and i looked around, and we both macam "kenapa budak budak lain sume okay je? Boleh duduk diam, makan tertib, relax?".
Then we looked at our kids and the mess they made.

At that moment, i remember, i really really felt drained and held back my tears.
Baru 4 years being a parent and i have tried so many "tips & tricks" on how to handle kids and nurture them and still, i feel like nothing worked.

Now that i've lost 2 friends, i know i need to change something.

I need a nanny.

Ok tak la. Haha! I need to buck up and just face it with the kids. Whether they drive me crazy, breaking my back and shoulders, i need to stop making them an excuse to not do things i want.
I don't know how yet and i need to figure that out.
I do not want to regret the missed opportunities.

If you have some kind of same experience as me, please do share your tips & tricks kot kot maybe i tak try lagi ke... Or like share your advices on how you manage your (hyper?) kids when you guys are out in public places?
Or maybe since it's zaman technology, instead of going to places, i should bring places to me? Using facetime or skype or whatever? Tetiba bagi idea kat diri sendiri bahahahaha!
In all seriousness, if you have any advice on not missing out while being an acting-single-parent, please do share.

I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

=')

.... i love me too, and my families, and my friends, and all you readers...
(help)

31 comments:

salam Maria..tq so much for posting this I pun tengah encounter the same problem. I'm working, ada sorg 2 year old daughter yg tantrum tahap gile! me and my husband keep on figure out apa salah kami as a parent nk didik dia. she likes screaming, pukul org, omg ! also, same like you, i memang totally tak ada ms dgn my friends at all. kalau ada pun I am inviting them coming to my home so we cook together and borak2. selesa, xpyh pakai tudung. wedding, gathering, makan luar - no at all memang kami tak kan cari pasal la...i love my daughter but deep insight kdg2 i ckp "i wish i could be single again and go traveling" or "kenapa la ak kawen awal (pdhal kawen umur 27). I should stay single and chill jer". nauzubilah kan boleh ckp mcm tu...expecially time penat. i also need some advice. sorry for not suggesting any ideas or solution, just nak share jer.

Im almost as the same state as you. A fulltime housewife with two kids. Plus Im also taking care of my two nephews on weekdays. And my kids taknak langsung dekat orang lain. Not even their grandparents. Well the first one dah ok sikit, can go with her aunties but the small one memang melekat 24/7 dengan i. I nak pegi potong rambut pon kena schedule time ntah bila (my husband is working crazy shifts) I pon taktau nak cakap apa sebenarnya. Bhahahaha oh ok. Just this things that i tell myself when Im going bonkers 1) Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah we can afford tobstay at home and look after our own kids. Ramai orang 'jealous' dengan kita. 2) Being a housewife is also a job. And with any job comes the problems and boredom of doing the same things and the takut kena dengan boss. Bayangkan keje bank also u do the same things every day. Kita kena ingat kita jaga anak kita and we nurture them today so that bila kita takde nanti they boleh doakan kita di sana. Three things tak putus: doa anak yang soleh, sedekah and ilmu yang disampaikan. Teach them Alif Ba Ta and pahala for u for as long as they can read it. Niat selalu kerana Allah. Oh and kids usually behaves a lot better when not with us. Seriously. Dont feel too bad about leaving them. Ni i baca la. I pon tak berani nak tinggalkan my 2 year old lagi. Bhahahahahah

Im a mother of 2 too. My eldest is around Nadrah's age. Just like u i run errands alone. Bila balik rumah rs mcm baru lepas marathon. Hahhaa. It is super tiring but also super fulfilling to be able to nurture them with my own hands.

My tips :

1. I take time out for myself twice a month. Just a few hours to myself. Most of the time at night time while the kids are asleep. (Ive sleep trained them to go to bed by 8.30pm) so time tu husband take over i go out for coffee. I need it for sanity. Sbb time tu husband tak yah buat apa pun kan sbb budak2 asleep.

I also have a part time babysitter where i send my kids once or twice a month when i need to go out for meetings or medical checkups. I notice kids are happier lepas pg sitter. Prolly because they mingled.

I know this is not doable for everyone but i think its important to mothers to get time out. We need to care for ourselves first before anything else cause if we r down then everyone else will be too.

So while i let her cry. I will keep asking her why are u crying. If she doesn wanna talk n kept crying i would say "how can i give u what u want if ur crying, can u talk to me properly " ok bunyi garang but i said it with love la.hehe. So When she told me what she wanted i will explain to her lah tak boleh tu sbb its dangerous can u imagine if u play with them and kena u n berdarah (contoh) It works so far lah for me

3. I spend quality time with each kids twice a month. This helps to give them my full attention without gangguan adik or kakak dia. Also this give opportunity for my husband to bond with each kids too.

But i can so relate to the mommy issue that you wrote about. i have two boys age 5 and 2 and they are super tak boleh duduk diam. Thankfully at my age (early thirties btw.. muda kan kan kan?) most of my friends are already married so less kenduris to go to which is a relief. Whatever your kids do can't top what my eldest did at a kenduri - he went to the gamelan area while the performers were having a break and he played the gamelan solo and LOUDLY. pastu bila dah tarik, i baruuu nak makan budak ni dah hilang. tengok2 atas pelamin. Kau rasaaa?

eating out is also a challenge. kalau pegi time diorang memang lapar, ok la they can sit and eat properly for 5 minutes. then they will walk around to check on people (-___-)

ok banyak plak bebel. my tips and tricks (i dunno if they're gonna work for you tho):1) to eat out, make sure their favorite food is on the menu. so they will sit for at least a good 5 minutes and eat.2) pilih la restaurant yang bukan dalam mall, or yg ada pintu bertutup. i found kids love restaurants in malls because they can escape mama and daddy. and also so many distractions weh. whoever invented those train rides in malls obviously dont have kids.3)bring their own sippy cup or bottle. korang minum la apa yg mama bwak utk korang. less chance of spilling4)my husband and i take turn to go out. we made this deal to go out with friends at least once a month so time ni la i pi restaurant hopping ka, cari cafe hipster ka apa. date nights pun once a month if we can get my SIL to babysit the boys.5)i know people advice against this but tablets and smart phones can be a sanity saver when you're out. my boys can tahan around 10 minutes la tengok video kat phone before they get bored of it so i use that good 10 minutes untuk menelan segala makanan yang ada before we're off chasing them again.6) don't stress too much about the mess that they make. yes, at moments of distress we'd go "whyyyy anak orang lain boleh duduk diam" but im sure you won't trade your baby for anything else in the world. so hold back those tears, grit your teeth and breathe!

you got this, supermom! good luck to you (and me. especially me) in raising our babies!

Sometimes when we use our kids as an excuse from meeting friends etc making us more stressful cuz we dun have time to release our stress..yes kids can spoil our meeting mood if they suddenly mengamuk, nak itu ini but that is the only time you can gossip, sembang, luahan perasaan with your friends which can freshen up your life and give you strength to face the next day...try to find tmpt lepak that is children friendly...ada mini playground..but then not every meetup is a successful one..its a gamble...if today is a failure there is always tomorrow 🙂

Firstly, kids will be kids. Let them play. But you also need to give instruction and what happen if they dont follow the instructions. Contoh, lepas dah plag with toys kena kemas balik if not no food for them or anything that they like. ( sort of ugut but they will learn that way)

Second, its okay for us to take out break time and buat chores slow2, dont rush!

And last, these one paling important. My mum always said to me, dont stress for whatever reason becauce when you stress, the cancel cell will active and so on. And last2 tak pasal kita sakit. Be it stress about anak2, partner or works, dont stress. Yass cakap memang senang but you need to practice that. And dont forget your supplements

Don't feel guilty about wanting a babysitter or needing a break from the kids to do your own thing. I used to think i could do it all as a mom, i was determined to one of those supermom who juggle everything without breaking a sweat. Jokes on me la. What a ridiculous idea lol. Dah la i ni a bit of a control freak pulak tu, mana tak stress. I realized i was becoming an unpleasant mother and wife because I wasn't taking care of myself well. I started not feeling guilty about wanting to do what i want like meeting friends, going out with them for a few hours, even having facials and mani pedis. Talked to hubs about parenting being a 50-50 job not just a mom's job, really relying/trusting on my partner to help out with kid/house stuff, got a reliable babysitter (alhamdulillah) and just stopped feeling too guilty about going out with friends or sometimes just having the house all to myself not doing anything at all, just chilling. It really helped made me feel at peace and when it was time to pick up the kid, i was a happier, patient mom. Mind you, it's still an everyday struggle, with or without me time. Seems like there's always ups and downs. But if I wasn't taking care of myself better, i would have hurt my kid's/hubs feelings which in turn would make me feel like a failure and it's just gonna be a downward spiral.

Point is, maybe it would seem that it's a selfish thing to do to put yorself first, but remember that you are taking care of yourself to be able to take care of others better. So, don't be too hard on yourself, mom. ;) just go and have that coffee with friends that you deserve.

I don't know if you could read this comment and I wish my prayers for your family reach you all the same and answered by the Almighty.

Having trying kids are indeed a test to our mental strength. they surely drive us up the wall if we are not supported by the love and understanding of our close family.

I don't know if my tips gonna work, but I always believe that a father's prayers for his children will easily be answered. perhaps you could persuade your husband to pray for your wisdom in handling the kids and that the children will be easily be managed. Ask him to perform late night prayers for the sake of all your children.

When the kids are asleep, always whisper in their ears, hug them close and tell them, deep in your heart, you always pray for them to be good, soleh children. that no matter what you will always love them and pay attention if they ever need you. pray to Allah as much as you can, as sincerely as you can. "Ya Allah, these are my kids, born out of love shared between me and my husband. May they be of less trial to all those around them, and that they will grow up as those that You bless and protect from the evils of the world. I am just a mom who is clueless as to how to handle them. Let Your love for us be my guide."

Dearest Maria, sometimes it just take a prayer at a right time. perhaps it take a lot of prayers to get it right. but if you are fervent in your prayers, and that you deeply believe in Allah's love for you, insya Allah, your children will be better over the time.

Have faith. and perhaps, to speed matter along, do more infaq in the name of your children. perhaps half of their raya collection to be given to orphans and the needy. who knows that such simple act of faith will do wonders to you and your family.

Uhibbuki fillah. May Allah give you strength and ease in life here and hereafter, insya Allah.

Assalamualaikum, hahaha ya I chant 'I love my kids' too whenever I feel I need help menahan kesabaran. I don't know if there is any special tricks to cope, because in the end you just do... I just keep thinking to myself, this won't be long. Soon there will be no tantrum, they won't be needing me and I will be left old and lonely. It is hard,having small children and trying to make time for others too. Hang in there :)

It's refreshing to see how you open up about your struggle with the kids and all. This in a way makes all the mothers out there felt like they're not failing in becoming a mother after all. Kids can be handful sometimes and there are times where we would want to give up and cry because it was tiring and there aren't certain sets of things that you can do to make them okay. Everyday there are new struggles that you need to face and sometimes it's really hard. I pray that you'll be able to handle it better in the future kak and you know along the way it'll get better i guess ? I don't know but with Allah's will it would be insyaAllah.

hi kak maria, im married but i dont have a child yet. what i write is not based on experience but rather books and tv show about parenting. I love reading about parenting and children psychology. Here is what I found

1) Both Nadrah and Isaac are 2 very different children and they have different need. Nadrah is at the phase where she has superego, she wants to do things on her own. The more you say 'No' the more she creates reasons 'why should I'. At this age, her motor development (especially big muscles) is growing , and that's why she loves to go around. And at this age too, she learns by example, it doesnt work no matter how many times you said 'No's' 'Don'ts'. Rather than ask her to do this and that, try to clean the mess together with her. No you dont do this alone, ajak dia kemas sekali for every mess she did. The next time, when she's creating mess, tgh sepah2kan, warn her, she must clean the mess, or 'time out'. Time out means, isolate the child, may be in a corner for 5 min, or take one of her fav toy (tell her if she behave, you will give it back). Nadrah is at age, she can think already what kind of behaviour is acceptable. But before you do this, you must warn her. During the time out, talk to her eyes, same eye level that you means business. Waktu ni kena tegas. Or she will find ways to manipulate you. After the time out, you explain again what is acceptable. And after that if she's doing good, puji dia.

2) Try to go out with Nadrah. Only both of you (at this time you can leave Isaac with ur mom). Talk to her, ask her what she likes and dislike. Do activities that she loves. Give your full attention to her at that time. Do this few times. Sometimes children throw tantrums because they cry for attention. She might feel she doesnt get all attention when Isaac is around.

3) Lastly, this is for you kak maria. It is a fact that we need more adults at home. When you feel you can't handle the two of them, ask for help. Dont bear too much because we are humans we have our limits. Take few hours to go out and have me-time or go out with friends. It is fine.

To know how to handle a child, you must first see from her perspective. Only then you know how. Jadi tegas untuk bentuk behaviour but must let them know too that they are loved.

If you watch Jo Frost Extreme Parental Guidance, you'll find few situations similar to yours. and Jo Frost is a child expert, you can take few tricks and tips.

the author

in case you're wondering, no, there's nothing peliks about this blog. maybe a bit about the blogger, but that's for you to decide. and no, you don't have to tell me what you've decided. unless, you've decided to stay on and read on and on and on. then, well, thanks! oh, the name's Maria. Malaysian, young (at heart) and awesome by nature. bahahaa!