Saturday, May 29, 2010

Getting “lost” in a relationship, or over investing or over-functioning to the detriment of one’s well being, is very easy to do. The challenge of intimate relationships, including being a sibling, a son or daughter and a parent, having in-laws, growing and developing a career, is not only found in the desire for closeness, but also in the persistent challenge to maintain essential uniqueness. Unless you have both (togetherness and separateness – both at the same time and from the outset) the wheels will certainly ultimately fall off.

Becoming consumed happens between husbands and wives, parents and children, professionals and their jobs all the time. Such “losing” of oneself to another or to a job is often applauded as a mark of true commitment, dedication, the mark of a dedicated parent, spouse, or employee. In truth, distinctness, uniqueness, self-awareness, maintaining integrity, while also being deeply coupled or committed, is the mark or challenge of maturity.

If you do not define yourself in any relationship the relationship will define you. If you do not tell the world who you are and what you want, the world around you will impose its anxious shape upon you.

If you err on the side of deep connection, work on your uniqueness. If you tend toward independence, increase your capacity for deeper connection

Do you recall when you were a child how you wished that you could speed up time and all of sudden be older then you were? You wished that you could hit the fast forward button so that you could stay up later, so you could have sleepovers, so that you could date, so that you could drive, so that you could have your own place, no curfews, no answering to anybody, etc. Each time you just knew that if you could push a button and speed up the time continuum that you would be much happier when you got there.

If you are like most people you had adults in your life who told you not to wish your life away and that not all of what you perceived to be so good would be as glamorous as you were building it up to be in your mind. The wisdom of their experience was attempting to get you to see how great it was to be where you were at that point in time and that you didn’t need to grow up so fast.

Of course as we grew older and we began to experience the full force of adulthood we began to understand why we shouldn’t have wanted to grow up so fast. As a matter of fact at times we may even have looked back upon our youth and waxed nostalgic of the good old days when we were more innocent (translated, more authentic) and we didn’t have all of the responsibilities of adulthood.

You would think that we would learn our lesson about wishing time away, however we tend to still do it as adults. On Monday many people are already wishing the week away as they wish of another weekend. Many people wish time away as they anticipate a vacation. Others wish time away as they anticipate retirement, even if that is twenty years away!

We need to savor today, because today is “the good old days” that sometime in the future we will look back upon and lament about how we wished we took more time to enjoy what we had. Be here now, we hear this all of the time. We must learn to quit wishing our life away for this part of our journey is finite. Not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow and the limited tomorrows will come all too fast and be gone before we know it.

Love today, savor the beauty of today. Savor the experience of today even if that experience today is one of pain, one of despair. This day will never happen again

Tell me about yourself? When someone asks this question they are asking “Who are you?” Most people will tell you that they are a mother or father, they will tell you they are a carpenter, a school teacher, a software engineer, a wife or husband. Many may tell you that they are Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic, atheist, etc. Some may tell you they are a Viet Nam Vet or they belong to the NRA or Green Peace, etc. Often when we speak of who we are we use the roles that we fulfill in our life as a way to help someone understand who we are.

The roles we fill, our belief systems and our affiliations are a very big part of our life and when we identify with them in an attached way we come to believe these roles, beliefs and affiliations are who we are.

A couple of days ago, i met this man who came to were i worked at and of course had do idea of what my current situatio was, ironicly shared his story with me. Just like that. Out of the blue, this man came into my life to leave me a messege that was going to somehow help me understand some of what i am goig throught right now. So he shared his story with me. He shared how he and his wife had separated after twenty plus years of marriage and how he was dealing with this part of his journey. This separation was not something he wanted however separated he was and the experience had been very painful for him. As he shared his thoughts on his marriage, the separation and the possibility of a divorce I was impressed by the work that he had put into trying to understand what had led to the separation and how he was processing all that he was going through. Although he was still in great pain he was in many ways in a very good place from an awareness perspective. At one point in our conversation I commented to him that I believed he was now in a good place and that his awareness coupled with the work he was doing to grow from this part of his journey was positioning him to come through this in way that would serve him well. When I told him this he smiled and said, “I understand what you are saying however if I am in such a good place why do I still feel like crap?” To which I said one of the big reasons you feel like crap is because part of you has died. I went on to remind him that for the last twenty plus years a major part of his identity had been that he was a husband. A major part of how he identified who he was, was to be husband, married man, provider, protector, Mr. Fix it, Mr. Cut the Grass or take out the garbage, etc. When he thought of who he was he thought of himself as married man, as husband, as being in a life long relationship. Over the years he became attached to this role and in doing so this became a major part of his identity. Now this identity did not exist in the same way it did, his role had changed and would continue to change. In essence because he identified so with his role of being husband a part of him was now dying or had died and he felt like crap because he was in mourning for the death of his identity. Although in many ways he could see the light down the road he felt lost and confused because he was no longer who he thought he was and this felt painful.

My new found friend was experiencing what many people experience when their roles change, be it the end of a relationship, the end of a career, a change in our physical abilities because of a stroke or a disease or anything else that forces us to change roles. We become so attached to our roles, belief systems and affiliations that they become part of our identity and therefore when any of these change or we perceive they are threatened than we believe our identity is threatened or changed and this causes us to react in the same defensive way as we would if someone was threatening our very life and if these do change then we feel as though a part of us has died.

It does not have to be like this, we can choose to engage in our roles, belief systems and affiliations and know that we are separate from them, that these things are not who we are they are rather things we choose to engage in. When we are able to strip away all of these things and stand naked in the sun, we are then able to know who we truly are. When we know who we truly are and that we are not defined by the roles, belief systems and affiliations we choose to engage in we then do not feel as though a part of has died when these things change in our life. When we are able to keep these things separate we understand that there is a constant to who we are and despite the changes that come our way we are still whole, we are still enough and we are not afraid to stand naked in the sun and be.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want youYou're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfortA million times in a million ways I will try to change youA million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince youI have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm doneI have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm doneYou're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclinedYou're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave youSeveral times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from youSeveral hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from youI have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm doneI have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm doneI have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm doneI have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm doneIt. won't be long before I am reclaimedIt won't take long and I'll be on path againIt won't be easy for us to disengageI'm at the end of self deprivation stageYou're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workingsYou cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everythingA million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match youSeveral times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Memories are all i can hold now. All i wanna do is see you laugh again.Its so hard on my spirt. And the pain is hurting my soul...I said I wouldn't do this. I would act as if he never existed, act has if he had died.I said I would just focus completely on myself. I wear a ring on my left hand ring finger so often that I have a noticeable pale line around it when the ring is absent... Yet and still, I'm not doing what I should. Not that I'm seeing anyone. But I just know I'm not doing what I should. Because there are "him"s that im always going to think about.

I hardly write anymore. And right now I really dont even feel like reading anything.I realize that I don't really understand where it comes from, these thoughs in my head that i have to write down.So sometimes its all there and other times its just... not there at allPeople inspire me, feelings too, not the usual kind.But one ones i cant understand.like, love.

You know what else?When i flew back from Sarasota, the plane went through the most incredible cumulus clouds.I wanted to cry. Is that weird?Sometimes I'll think something is so beautiful it brings me to tears.

I was going through my favorites on my youtube account and i click on that song "This woman's work" sang by Maxwell.I started crying within the 1st 20 seconds.The entire moment was so... beautiful.

You know in your heart what the right thing to do is and what the right thing for you is... don't ignore it.

The most important thing in life is happiness; stay true to yourself in the pursuit of it.

Too often, we fool ourselves into thinking that we can't have that fairytale ending... but we can. After all, if we can achieve our social and professional dreams, why should love be any different?

And when you've lost sight of what is real and what is false, remember this:

“Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one.Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;never selfish, not quick to take offense.There is nothing love cannot face;there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance.In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love.”

"We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them. But you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. An idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love. And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man. A man who made me remember the fifth of November. A man I will never forget."

I could say "I didnt see it coming" . But i know that i would be lying.God always sends you a sigh, or sighs...A lil voice on the back of your mind thrying to tell you to pay attention. The Gutt feeling, the intuition...all of this is Gods way of telling you that something is wrong.This is what i've learned after all these years and experiences. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go.Specially when you're done everything that you can do, and been the best man or woman you could be, and they still wanna go. Let them go!Some people come into your life for a life time, some come for a season, and you have to know witch is witch. And you're going to always mess up when you mix seasonable people with lifetime expectations.And thats what i did. I believed and trully believed that he was the person that would be in my life for a lifetime. I had lifetime expectations with him.He was my North, my South, my East and West,My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.And yesterday i was angry, but today im sad. And still im in a daze, it hasnt really hit me yet. That my good wolfie is out of my life.I dont even want to think about it. I'd rather maintain the anger, because i know that while i maintain it. While i cover it with hate, i will be protected from the pain that is going to come.Five years of great expectations, intensive experiences, teachable moments, bliss and happiness, sorrow, hurt, pain, love...I loved him. I loved him like i never loved anyone else. And i know this because the love i felt came from the core of who i was. It came from under my skin. It came from the purest of myself. He really was my everything and i was willing to do anything for him. Anything to be with him. But now he's gone.He says he needs to be alone. I dont fit in his new life. There's not a role i can play in his new life. I just dont belong in his life anymore.

Day one day one start over again. Step one step onewith not much making sense just yetI'm faking it til I'm pseudo making itFrom scratch begin again but this time I as i And not as we. And im scared.Im scared of when the pain starts coming down on me. Im scared of when i start to miss you...

When i start missing your smell and your style and your pure abiding wayMiss your approach to life and your body in the bedMiss your take on anything and the music you would play at night before we sleptMiss cracking up and wrestling. Our debriefs at end of dayThese are the things that I will miss . These will not times for the weak of heartThese will not be the days of raw despondence.And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like thisI'll miss your neck and your gait, and your sharing what you write.I'll Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your handMiss traveling our traveling and riding with you, my feet print on your car window...These will the things that I'll missOne step one prayer. I soldier on, stimulating moving on.I'll miss your warmth and the thought of always coming back to you.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I care about you deeply and I always will. But I can't visit you. If you're wondering why I "can't" it's because I simply don't want to. Once a long time ago in a full moon God sent me a good wolfie that i thought would be the root that would sustain my tree...but he turned out to be a leaf that was meant to be in my life for just a season and i made the mistake of thinking that you can seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.And i had life time expectations. I'm not saying that you gave them to me, but i created them for us.

I think about how you treated me, how you talked to me, how I allowed you to often bring out the worst in me. I think about your inability to love me the way I needed to be loved, and the way that I simply acquiesced to take from you whatever love it was that I could get. I think about how you used that to make me feel that I wasn't as intelligent, special, or worthy of respect as I am. I think about how you saw the energy and vitality that I possessed, and while it was what first attracted you to me, you tried to crush and destroy it. You and I had a long and complicated saga. We both did things we shouldn't have. We both said things we shouldn't have...

But it is over now, and I would like it to stay that way.

I remember the girl that I was before i met you, and I didn't like her. She was spiteful. She was angry. She was mistrustful. And she doubted herself, her beauty, and her strength. When i met you i got to changing lil by lil, I left the other girl, and emerged as something different even from the girl I was before we met.

So, while I wish you nothing but the best, i hope that you will find the happiness that you so long for. I hope that you can find someone in your life that you have the qualities that you could never get from me.One of my best traits and, ironically, also one of my biggest flaws, is my propensity to be ridiculously optimistic in the face of adversity. If I wasn't that way, then I wouldn't have achieved half of the accomplishments that I have today. I wouldn't be on the verge of finally, finally picking up & setting off in the pursuit of my dreams... At the same time, if I wasn't that way I wouldn't have been betrayed by so many "friends" or stayed with a man that couldnt or wouldnt love me back.

But life is circular like that.

There is a blessing in every lesson; I don't regret you. But I am over you.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I am simply amazed at the pervasiveness of the limitations that we have stored in our consciousness.Think about it, I am in a dream, I know on some conscious level that I am in a dream. Knowing I am in a dream should mean that I can choose to be without any limitations. I should be able to swim the length of the Nile in a dream. I should be able to walk on water in my dream if that is what I desire to do. Yet, in my dream I brought my limitations into play. In my conscious life I can swim, however I am not a skilled swimmer who has the skills or the endurance to swim the length of a river. If I so desired I surely could develop endurance and skills to be able to swim great lengths.

The point is that some of our limitations are so deeply seated that we bring them with us even in a dream state where one would believe there are no real limitations.

We do carry many limitations within our mind; some are real limitations such as the ability to swim a long distance; real because it takes practice and effort to improve a skill like swimming. Other limitations are simply limitations that we have created and ingrained within our mind to the point where we believe these limitations are written in stone. For instance last night someone asked me how to spell a complex word, without too much thought I rattled off the correct spelling of the word. My friend knowing that I am notorious for being a poor speller double checked my spelling on line and with a surprised look made a remark as to why I knew how to spell that word and reminded me that I am not a good speller. I laughed and said, “I gave up that limitation, I am now becoming a good speller”. This is true; I shook off the self imposed limitation of not being a good speller. I simply no longer accept that I am a poor speller and I have made a focused effort in becoming a better speller. See, the only thing holding me back from being a good speller was the limitation that I had carried around all of these years. I have the intellect to be a good speller; I simply had to choose to abandon my self imposed limitation, one that I have believed in for decades.

These self imposed limitations are often deep seated and pervasive. It is only through our awareness that we can choose to release the limitations we impose upon our self. What self imposed limitations do you believe in about yourself. What limitation are you constantly reinforcing within your mind?

Think about your perceived limitations. Ask yourself are they true? If you believe they are true, why do you believe they are true? What proof do you have? You may be surprised at how weak your proof is or that the proof that you come up with is only your repetitive thoughts and self talk about the limitation.

Work to free yourself of the shackles of your own self imposed limitations. Listen to the language you use. Do you hear yourself saying I am just no good at __________? If you wanted to be good at _________ what do you need to do to improve? What changes do you need to make? The first step is becoming aware of what you perceive your limitations to be, the next step is to change how you think about those limitations, the final step is to initiate change in feeling, thought and action which will remove the limitation and create an enhancement to yourself and what you believe about yourself.

Quote of the Day - “There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.”A list of things to do to lock down your girl.

If she’s not feeling loved, she WILL find someone to love her…better than you at that.■Is this is your girl, wifey, or Jump off. I know its an unwritten Man Law that you can’t show a girl that you like them, but dayum dudes show your GIRL that you actually care. And showing that you actually care doesn’t mean buying them the most expensive thing in Macy’s although expensive gifts don’t hurt. But try making something for them or doing something a little unique like planning a picnic, writing a poem, or just lip syncing your song to them. Doesn’t matter if you can write or not it’s just the thought that matters. Now there is one exception to this rule. Make sure this is your girl this method may not work w/ Jump offs or Buddies.Celebrate small things, like the 3 month anniversary, or the first kiss, It’s gets you MAD Brownie points.■Remember she’s still a girl, no matter how much of an independent woman she claims to be, Girls are mushy, and they like to know that you’re paying attention. So a simple card or candle can go a long way in building a relationship into a stable foundation for the future and is the 2 of you.Let your nuts hang and she’ll love you more.

■You got balls don’t you? Act like it. No females wants a man she can walk all over so have a backbone tell her no sometimes and then surprise her when she least expect it. Going out this weekend make the plans trust me if she isn’t bout it she’ll let you know. Take the lead, tell her what the 2 of you are going to be doing tonight. If you’re worried about if she will like it, then you haven’t been paying attention to anything she’s being saying. Change careers.

Tit-tays love much licky and sucky.■You have to be sure that in the heat of the moment you don’t ignore the nipples. Love the breast and be sure to show them equal attention. Start at the top work your way counterclockwise w/ your tongue. To a female only a few things are worst then one hard nipple.

Plan the occasional swaggerlicious get fly date and go out of town for the weekend, basically be unpredictable.

■Women get tired of the same ole routine week in and week out. Blockbusters nights are cool on a rainy night, but not all the time. If her boyfriend is lame then a dude like me has no problem taking another man’s girl out and giving her the time of her life and best believe that next weekend I will have her in my room w/ her ankles on her earlobes while Dru Hill’s Somebody’s Sleeping In My Bed plays in the background as a thrust the manxilla to the beat.

She thinks you’re sexy after you get a fresh line up, when your fixing things, rapping your favorite song, dipping through traffic, eating a peach, holding a baby, or reading.

■What do all of those things have in common? They are all simple things. you don’t have to do too much to impress a woman who likes you. If you find yourself having to do some World Strongest Man shit like picking up a car w/ your pinky, blindfolded while doing the superman dance in order to impress your old lady. Then you might need to end that relationship early. A good woman is turned on by the simple things like telling her the truth.

Talk Dirty to her in public.■Next time you’re with your girl in the supermarket walk up behind her while shes picking out produce and whisper in her ear that you want to fuck the shit out of her right on top of the Red Peppers and discreetly feel on your booty while you do it. Now it might not happen then and there but when you get home and after you’re done helping her w/ put away the food. The Kitchen might become the scene of your own Debbie Does Dallas.

It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want your girl to see, hear, read…(Yes Myspace Comments Count)

■I’m really surprised at the number of girls who have ended a potential relationship b/c some random chick left some shit on their dudes myspace page. Fellas if you know you have an ace in the pocket why ruin it w/ a jump off w/ a loud mouth. But if you gt caught and you know your boo is not your girl yet why lie about it? Girls are a lot more forgiving then you think they are. Tell her the truth. Women want a choice its an essential need to their existence. So simply put Stop Lying.

Fighting implies that you care and caring implies that you have feelings invested in the matter, and having feelings invested in the matter implies that you've not maintained proper levels of emotional unavailability.

When dealing with men, the moment a conversation takes a turn for the worst, I speak my mind and exit stage left. Why? Because I'm not looking for love and "Him"s are expendableYou've got to be incredibly wary of the ones who immediately inspire the ink to flow from your pen, and writing about him is almost too easy. Sometimes it seems like everything about him is poetry...

A girlfriend of mine once said to me, "you're one of those whirlwind girls." I denied it at the time, but she was dead on. I like to be wooed, I want to be swept off my feet, I want the white horse and the wall-scaling, dragon-slaying, witch-murdering rescue. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy wandering through this adventure that is "life as a twenty-something" serial-dating a bunch of guys that I'm just not that into for the fun of it. But when I meet one that I am into, if I'm not careful, I'm easily unhinged because I'm one of those whirlwind girls. I love the thrill of discovering he and he discovering me. I'm enticed by the concept of reckless abandon. And this, him... it's quite reckless.

note: pardon my ramblings. sometimes you just need a place to emotionally vomit.]

It's an interesting thing, what I did. There in my hands, I held a very secure and certain future. But I wasn't happy. I was standing on the fringes, going through the motions--the very dull and mundane motions. So I decided to trade that security for what I already knew would be a journey down a path that, while responsible for many moments of elation and fulfillment, is completely, utterly, and hopelessly unpredictable.

Always "touch and go."

Always "touch and go."

One minute he's there, with sweet nothings and implied promises. So in that minute you abandon all reason and live only within the moment. The two of you fit together like a hook and eye. You understand him and he understands you. Adoration blossoms and affection grows. Each second in that minute yields an experience you never imagined in your wildest dreams you'd be a part of. "Love," or the idea of it, seems full of endless possibilities and unforgettable occurrences... Then the sixtieth seconds ticks by. Your "minute" is over. It's the next minute and he's not there. Just like that, you are back, sitting on your sofa, hours to kill, watching your mobile with the eye of an eagle, wishing, wondering, willing the next experience into existence.

But I couldn't have it any other way. Somewhere along the line, I made the deliberate choice to go gladly into the realm of the inexplicable and the capricious, always waiting for the next phone call that could change my day, my week, my life. Always, always, always "touch and go."

Why?

Because.

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

the danger of a small world, is that you might meet a guy that you can't have.

or, at least, that you're not supposed to have.

naturally, you want him anyway. even though you aren't quite sure whether his touch sets your skin afire because you so desire him, or if your fascination stems from the simple fact that he should be forbidden to you and you to he...

but knowing all of that and having weighed (or not weighed) the consequences, here you stand anyway. a half eaten fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil lies at your feet. and you're wondering where to hide, lest you be cast out of eden.

i kind of love you.so i punish you. and you punish me for punishing you. and we live it out [a tragic little comedy. our tragicomedy].

i kind of love you. or i kind of love you loving me (although you know that i cannot [yet?] love you the way you would like to be loved). perhaps i am waiting for someone else [to kind of love me too] so that i can finally say, 'i win. you can love. you see?? you are, right now!'

kind of love you. but for now, i only know how to kind of love you from afar. and completely love you perhaps not at all.andi'm sorry.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Let me tell you the conclusion that i got from reading an article about self and the true meaning of it. And to make this an elaborate email let me start with this:

To turn around and say “To go beyond yourself” seams simple and logical doesnt it?It does. To a person that is used to being around that kind of language and way of seapking. But if you dont quite undertsand you may think that it means to go outside yourself.But its the opposite, because what its really telling you is to go beyond the layers on the surface that we have created that in many ways hides our authentic self from others and even from our selves.I have come to understand that to make any real change you have to really know and be hones about your current reality. I mean, we can’t really affect any real change if we don’t full understand the situation that we are trying to change. We have to know our reality to make the changes that will have true impact. Samething is applied when you're tryng to step out of the darkness of your false self to the light of your true being. If this is my journey and its the one i choose i have to first understand where i am today. I gotta know myself and i gotta do it in an honest and open way. I know that this is going to mean that i will have to be willing to look at and understand who i am today even if that means acknowledging things about me that i don’t feel good about. Expose meto my soul and take accountability for the reality that i've created. And taking accountability my reality is a crucial oart of the process of knowing myself. Meaning that i cant blame who i am, how i think, what i say or what i do on anything or anyone else. But that doesnt mean that in return i have to punish or blame myself, i just have to accept responsibility and understand that my reality is the reality that i have created.Like for instance, looking at my intentions and understand the true motivations that fuel them. And i've noticed that as i see things that way, and get them into prespective i slowly begin to discover that what on the surface seems like good intentions are sometimes self justified intentions that don’t always serve us in the way we think they do. Often times our egos need to be controlling and self serving which drives us to think and act in ways that feed our ego and detracts us from our true self.So being truly ready to dig deep and make changes i know that i have to find the courage because i need for that self examination.As i go through all of this i Know that this process of discovery of self is not a comfortable process and i know that sometimes i will feel as if im entering a dark valley and unchartted terrotory and i will want to step back and not deal with it. But as long as i understand and believe that this is part of the process and allow myself to experience the darkness that may feel and trust that when you when i'm done, ill find the light that i need. That light that brings out the true beauty inside of me and will be the light reflected by my very soul!I just finished reading it, and so this is the immediate response and reaction that i felt inside of me, and before the feeling is gone and i forget what i'm feeling now, i decided to share it with you!