Monday, February 9, 2009

Mission Four: To Bounce or Not to Bounce

After being blasted in the face by Cyclops, I spent a few hours recovering. Luckily, my daughter's blood happens to be a cure for all things. Just ask Richard Simmons, who's now heterosexual.

As soon as I was back to one hundred and seventy-three percent, I jumped out of the medical bed and dashed naked down the streets of wherever we are. Cars, hoverbikes and banana buggies blared their horns at me.

"You're naked, you dern fool!" one person screamed out.

I suddenly realized he was right! In my haste to get perform this weeks challenge, I neglected a very important element of preparation. Grabbing my spare horn-rimmed glasses from their hiding place, I donned my sinister henchman uniform.

"You're still naked, you dern fool!" the same person screamed.

"Yes," I hollered back, "but now I can see!"

Soon, I arrived at Studio of Doom 54. Due to the concern of the censors, the show's producers had one of my suits waiting for me. I quickly dressed and said to a club patron, "I'm Noah Bennet. I'm here to bounce you."

I ran, ran, ran as fast as I could, but I couldn't catch him. He's the Gingerbread Man. So, I pulled out my gun and blew him into gingerbread crumbs.

Turning back around to the long line of club-goers, I said, "If you're not on the list, get out."

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius," one man said stepping out of the line toward me. "And I go where I please." He neared closer with a threatening look in his eye.

"Well, look, Max," I explained, "just because you're wearing a skirt doesn't make you a hot girl."

A group of Germans laughed hysterically.

"It is not a skirt!" Maximus yelled, drawing his sword.

"Even so, you're not exactly a super-villain, so I can't let you in." I drew my sword, too.

John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra began playing Duel of the Fates as Max and I clashed in battle. Metal clanged against metal for what seemed like a couple of minutes.

"Hey, let's sneak in while the bouncer's busy!" said a Goomba.

Thinking quickly, I grabbed a ream of paper from inside my jacket and threw it at the Goomba. It smacked him hard in the face and he began to cry.

"I've got plenty more where that came from!" I shouted while parlaying Maximus's thrusts. The other patrons in line stood still, not wanting to risk facing my wrath.

Finally, I saw my opening. With a quick slice, I mostly removed the gladiator's head from his body. And so, I returned to my post near the door.

"I've been waiting nearly seven minutes!" Donald Trump screamed into my face. "I mean, I enjoyed the show. It was a good show. Killing a gladiator...that was huge. But I should be in there. I've got huge business to discuss with Mr. Luthor. We're going to turn New Jersey into a giant water-slide. We're gonna call it Trump Water-Slide. It's gonna be huge!"