Don't Shiv a Shivver

I was checking out at the grocery store today (and trying to avoid making eye contact with the tweaker in front of me buying a gallon of iced tea and a doorknob as he somewhat wildly stretched his arms and craned his neck as he waited for the person in front of him) when something in a tabloid caught my eye. I'll say it's out of character for me to take a second look at what I usually find in the checkout line tabloid offerings, but when in Rome, peruse as the romans peruse.

The magazine was the National Enqurier, which falls somewhere in the middle of the credibility scale (so I'm told), and the headline was:

O.J Attacked in Vicious Prison Riot!

That in itsself is pretty interesting. (Alleged) double homicider OJ probably has to deal with things like this on a regular basis being one of the most famous dudes in prison, which is just beneath "dude in prison" on the list of things you don't want to be. There was a big photo of OJ in his jumpsuit, a little photo of some guards in riot gear, and a small picture of the "razor-sharp shiv" used in the (alleged) attack.

All in all, nothing that made me want to buy the magazine or take a look inside. But then, in smaller print down in the bottom right, it said:

Cowardly Simpson cried, "I don't want to die!"

This got my head swirling into a million different places. Is it cowardly to not want to die in a prison knife fight? Or just to exclaim that you don't want to? Can anyone who (allegedly) stabbed two people to death really be that much of coward? If that's the definition of cowardice, what does that make me? I don't own a pocketknife for fear of cutting myself on it in daily use. Furthermore, what are the alternatives to this cowardly display?

Brave Simpson screamed "Come at me with that shiv!"

Complacent OJ exclaims "I've made my peace with who I am and am now ready to die, here in prison!"

I never thought I'd say this (again) but OJ, I'm on your side on this one.