Wednesday, December 2, 2015

"Highway Headache"

I almost had to kill someone the other day. There's a pretty good chance it would've been considered a public service. "Just chlorinating the gene pool, your honor." Then they'd have given me a commendation and sent me on my way. Except I'm a truck driver so they'd probably go for the death sentence. Traffic accidents are always our fault ya know. The media seems to think it's always with malicious intent.

If we ever actually snapped and took out our aggressions on people who are asking for it then there'd be a drastic decrease in stupid people though. Some people, like the potato head that tried to get me to kill him, really shouldn't be allowed out in public.

You see, if I'm rolling through Ohio or Pennsylvania and I'm on tiny country roads then I know to watch out for Amish cars. I know that every time I crest a hill there's a chance I'll see a one horse power buggy trotting along at about 8 miles an hour. And I drive accordingly. They get their own little lane and everything.

We try not to scare their little horse or mule when we slow down behind them or hammer down to get around them. They give us a wave and a smile as we try to ease past them. They may be slow but they know it and try to stay out of our way. It's a simple system and we work well together.

Then there's "the others". The ones who have no idea how much of an issue they cause. Or maybe they know and just don't care. Either way, their lack of common sense may be their undoing.

Like this clown today. I'm just motoring along in the middle lane. I'm moving along at a fairly high rate of fuel consumption as I see a truck on the on ramp up ahead of me. So I cover the brake with my foot in case traffic shifts to accommodate him. He's got a full size conversion van behind him.

The dude in the van just can't wait to get going and starts cutting across from the on ramp, across 2 lanes of traffic, into the far left lane. In the process he cuts off the car in the right lane, me, and everyone in the far left lane. All while traveling at a blistering 40 mph.

Everyone's panic braking, including me. I've got nowhere to go and I was just certain I was gonna kill this guy. I'm flatspotting my tires, smoking all 5 axles and praying that when we collide I'll have a chance to pull him outta his van and bounce his head off the hood before the cops show up.

Luckily, we all managed to avoid him and he just kept puttering along, gradually picking up speed. Meanwhile, I'm waiting to hear cars crashing into me or for the sound of a trailer load of freight shifting. Talk about "near miss". Hell, it was more like a "near hit".

So I find the right gear and get rolling from a near stop. Here I am grabbing gears and picking up speed again as Captain Oblivious is steadily gain speed finally. I guess he finally decided to mash motor but his old van doesn't have enough motor to get away from me. I'm still rolling smoke as I finally draw even with him and look over to see if Stevie Wonder is behind the wheel.

Yes, I saw that he had a handicap tag hanging in his window but being stupid shouldn't qualify them for that. If it did then a vast majority of drivers would need those special parking spots near the front at Walmart. This guy? He looks over and glares at me like he's pissed I nearly hit him back there.

He's still motoring along in the fast lane not going much faster than a thanksgiving day float and he's mad at the rest of US! Seriously?! How do people like this manage to breathe on their own?

I didn't have time to play cat and retard with him so I stoked the fires and powered on down the highway. Yet another motorist who doesn't comprehend that everyone else on the road is what's keeping them alive.