A lot of weird nonsense, but not much of interest. There is one B/W novelization that claims the main character will get the ability to understand pokemon, but the first chapter ends before that happens.

[Alternate Universe with human characters that are NOT trainers In a school where the people act more like the Monsters How would our cast act if there were no pokemon giving them common goals?]

This is incoherent. Sentences need to end in punctuation.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[3 Hours Ago…]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

On a related note, you’re not named “Human”. To avoid confusion, you need to give your pokemon characters actual names.

[“There’s one” Clay sighed]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Pika” Brother]

Showing both cries and translation is really awkward and just doesn’t work. You should just write the translation, maybe in a different format to note the language barrier.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is really hard to follow. You need to learn how to use commas and maybe get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Even my brother’s pranks faded into the background after a while]

Missing punctuation.

[It glares at him, and he flinches back. It lowered his defense by using Leer!]

That’s a bit too mechanical to sound like something someone would naturally think. It’s better to show than tell – how, precisely, does Leer lower defenses? Describing that will make for more interesting, creative, and dynamic battles. You almost have this in the first sentence, but you don’t quite make the connection of how that makes him more vulnerable.

[“H-Hey, what’s going on here?!” I question the crushing darkness.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[a voice responds me]

“Respond” can’t be used that way. Are you not a native speaker? You might want to get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[Beep beep…]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose or modified to show they’re not part of narration.

[“Good morning, Topaz” Spinel chirps]

Missing comma.

[I have to summon Giratina to take him away for hiding my clock again.” I reply]

That period should be a comma, also why does an Unovan know or care about Giratina?

[What would mom say]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[I swear to Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Who would’ve done such an awful thing. My mind instantly goes to the famous Team Rocket]

Why? Team Rocket’s sphere of influence is on the other side of the planet. It’s implied they have a few foreign agents, but we haven’t seen them do even minor crimes outside of Johto and Kanto.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You’ve at least introduced some divergence from canon, but you still haven’t gotten to any of the events mentioned in the summary, and they’re the reason I’m interested in this. Start where your plot starts or at least get there in the first chapter; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[A young Riolu and a little girl unwittingly cross paths, and from then on, their lives are changed forever.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your dialogue impossible to follow.

[But dad]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. At the very least, you should get to the premise mentioned in your summary. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’m not clear what you’re trying to accomplish here. Everyone here is ridiculously OOC. If you want to whine about Tumblr and/or Ash, do it on social media.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

“Alolan” should, however, be capitalized, as it’s a nationality.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[i’ve]

Proofread.

[it’s stomach]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[I wanted to know what gender it was, I didn’t want to call the zorua a it, I sneaked out from the house and walked slowly to the open stable that was near the daycare, I looked in it and saw that the Zorua was sleeping, I looked at the private parts of the zorua. I felt actually bad for doing this, but this was for the best. I saw that it was a girl.]

I don’t know how you react to finding stray animals, but most people don’t do this and in fact find it pretty creepy. Virtually everyone just assumes a gender instead of checking.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[In a cave, somewhere in the Kalos Region]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

“Christmas” should be capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“You want to play ‘spin the bottle’? Really Dawn? You couldn’t come up with something more…innocent?” Serena stated cynically.]

That’s not what “stated” means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or gym. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the Roman God]

Similarly, you want a little G here. Only the Judeo-Christian God is referred to as “God”.

[I’m more than just an asteroid; I am Jupiter, the biggest, most colorful planet in our solar system, named after the Roman God. The planet that is always changing with its fast rotations that it’s hard for the ordinary to keep up with. I’m not the ordinary Ceres, but the marvelous Jupiter!”]

This is really tortured and clunky. You should really read your dialogue out loud to make sure it’s something someone would actually say.

[for Arceus’s sake]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. This is doubly true if Earth religions exist in your fic. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“Dus . . . Duskull!” It answers back in happiness]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [it answers back].

So if Fantina loved her drifblim so much, why didn’t she give it a name?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the brown haired girl]

[the female]

Epithets this generic are extremely awkward. Epithets are meant to be able to uniquely identify a person, and should be relevant to the context. “Male” and “female” are particularly egregious.

[Her black waterproof hood seemed to hide most of her face and managed to hide the colour of her eyes.]

“Seemed to” is a subjective phrase. From whose perspective does it “seem to”? Does it adequately hide her or not?

[striked]

Is not a word. You want “struck”.

[Team Rocket striked terror in many people even today; not to mention the pistols and weapons on their utility belt…]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. “Not to mention” also sounds very awkward in narration, as it’s very conversational. Either mention it or don’t mention it.

[“Let’s go,” Red sprinted]

This needs a period instead of a comma, because you can’t sprint a sentence.

[The yellow Pokemon swiftly dodged the attacks by jumping left and right alternately before jumping up; it looked down as it was in midair. The Pikachu’s red cheeks sparked with electricity before releasing all the energy stored.

The Raticates cried out in pain as they were electrocuted. The grunts were shocked; they’d never seen someone strong or brave like Red. The men in black backed off; their mouths were wide open.]

You’re really overusing semicolons. Semicolons feel very technical and clinical, so using them gives an extremely detached tone that is at odds with this tense scene.

And I’d extend that criticism more generally to this whole chapter. It frequently feels like you don’t know what tone you’re going for, and you dryly list a lot of information without focusing on anything. The narration constantly feels like it’s working at cross-purposes with itself.

[he mused aloud]

That’s redundant; to muse is to think aloud.

There’s enough happening in this chapter that this works as a prologue, but I still feel like we’re lacking context. What is this story about, specifically? Who is this person and why should I care? When you have an action scene for an opening, it’s a good idea to include the slow-down-and-exposit part as part of the first chapter too.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[a helicopter view above it’s side]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Stop pretending to be a screenwriter. You’re not going to make this a TV show no matter how hard you try, and pretending otherwise just makes the prose clunkier and harder to follow.

This looks like a crossover with Survivor and therefore belongs in crossovers. If it isn’t, this still isn’t Pokemon fanfiction. Your pokemon are acting like humans. Look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction if you are confused on this point.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

[Rebecca’s pov]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. Switching POVs within the same chapter is generally a bad idea anyway; stories are easier to follow when they’re from one perspective.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Gary realizes that his feelings for Ash was not meant.]

Something seems to have gone wrong with this sentence.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I originally wrote Ours to be a Pokémon webcomic. However, while the script was written and a few pages of it were sketched out, the project ultimately never progressed farther than that. I later wrote a set of short pieces that were set in the same universe as Ours—an anthology called Yours and Mine—but never released the script it was based on. As I repost my fanfiction, I thought I would remedy that by including Ours here. I’ve decided to keep it in script format to better reflect what the project was supposed to look like. The chapters for Yours and Mine, which will be added after Ours, will be in prose format.]

Sorry, but script format is banned on this site. If you want to post the original script, you can do so on something like a personal blog, but FFN is for prose fiction only.

[Shinto Temple]

“Temple” isn’t a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized.

[the Gym]

And while I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, the same logic applies here.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[their Professor friend,Olympia]

Missing space.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Suna sweat dropped]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[HOLY ARCEUS]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Relatedly, crossovers belong in their own section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Five friends begin their Pokemon journey across the region of Kanto, with their hopes and dreams for success. Along the way they will face difficult challanges and dangerous situations that will test them. Can they succeed and climb up the ladder, or will they fall and die?]

And those difficult challenges and dangerous situations are…? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Also, you’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you do so here.

[The sun was still pretty low, even if it was begining to rise. Darkness was starting to lose to illumination as the dark-blue shade of the sky was becoming slightly brighter the more time passed.]

This is purple prose, and an inauspicious start. Establishing shots have their place, but this early on, readers need to get invested by learning what the story’s about. The longer you delay that with unnecessary details, the more readers will bounce.

[Today was a big day for the entire town: five young teenagers were finally going to begin their own pokemon journey, as today they recieve all they need from the local professor in the town, which was a starter, a license approved and signed by the government of the Kanto region and most importantly a pokedex.]

This needs commas around “and most importantly”, as it’s an aside.

Also, this isn’t how it works in Kanto. There are preschoolers with pokemon, and almost no trainers you encounter have the official starters. Look closely at how the opening of the games play out: Oak is essentially using you as unpaid labor for his research, and he’s only even doing that because you have a connection to his family. There’s no indication that this is a normal thing, and it’s pretty clear it’s not the only path to trainership.

[It has been quite some time since a group of trainers from this small town went out to a journey. It was mostly prohibited by the mayor of the twon to send kids to their deaths ever since the raid on the small town made by the organized crime syndicate known only as Team Rocket.]

So do they still teach kids pokemon training at home, or do they leave them totally defenseless and somehow think that will reduce the casualties next time?

[Now instead of boys and girls risking their lives for no real goal]

It’s really clear that this is not how it actually works in canon. It doesn’t matter how dangerous the journey looks from our perspective, there is clearly little actual risk. If you want to do a grimdark AU that’s all well and good, but you should label this as such.

[teenagers were now testing the truth of their wishes and dreams to the realism of the mature and cruel world]

So instead of unintentionally sending kids to their deaths, they are intentionally sending kids to their deaths…? Teenagers aren’t going to fare much better against hardened criminals; heck, -adults- aren’t going to fare much better against hardened criminals. Do they give these kids actual combat training? If not, they aren’t going to stand a chance. That, and the power of their pokemon, is what’s really going to make the different. Age doesn’t matter if you don’t spend that experience on relevant skills. (I don’t see how a coming of age ceremony is any more of a “real goal”, anyway.)

If you’re giving height to the centimeter, that’s not “about”. You don’t need to do this, anyway. Nobody will remember the exact number, and few readers will have immediate context for what a specific value actually looks like.

[which contrasted to his slightly tan to his skin]

Something went wrong here.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[“Surprise! I wanted to to make breakfast for the both of us.” he said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[lether backpack]

“leather”

[I love you mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

If you’re featuring Ash’s family, this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[black hair like his fathe.]

Typo. You may want to proofread more thoroughly.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[2 more minutes]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. You’ve said a lot while saying very little. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Everyone reading this already knows the canon opening; you really, really do not need to explain in excruciating detail how everyone gets their starter. Marni’s introduction was the only one that gave us vital information. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[Hey guys, I have deleted my old story about Guzma’s story (not that you guys would remember it) due to many complaints about plot and grammar from a certain person. I know this revision will suck, but I want to try again. I hope this is a lot better and will satisfy you better than it did for that person and me _]

If you want to update your story, you can do so without annihilating existing follows and favorites by editing your story in the document manager. If you reuploaded to censor reviews you don’t like, don’t, it’s childish and just gives your target an opportunity to review you again.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[We all know Guzma, the leader of team skull. We know gaps of his history from grunts and his parents. Here is his actual story on why he is what he is now, with Guzma’s struggles in life as he tries to be a great trainer]

Forgot to capitalize “Team Skull” here, and the last sentence is missing a period.

[Born to the Bugium-Z trial captain, Guzma was a natural battler.]

Hm. That’s an interesting possibility. I always interpreted Guzma as an underprivileged nobody, but you could draw a lot of interesting parallels to Hau if he’s suffering under the pressure of an important position. This also does give an explanation for how he’s using Z-moves this early on. Still doesn’t explain why he never uses Buginium Z in canon, though.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[After each battle, people liked to discourage Guzma, “Squished you like your bug pokemon” or “You were hitting like a mosquito:annoying, and weak” but Guzma always knew the look of fear from almost losing.]

Formatting this kind of thing is tricky. The quotes are asides to the main sentence, so most authors separate them with dashes or parentheses, and they do need punctuation. This also needs a space after the colon.

[Guzma had 2 fathers]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[if you counted]

Using the general you in third person sounds awkward.

[“Wow, he beat the strongest trainer here! That boy is strong!” murmurs were heard through the crowd.]

The narration here doesn’t describe how the dialogue is said, so it’s a separate action and is capitalized accordingly. So this should be [“Wow, he beat the strongest trainer here! That boy is strong!” Murmurs were heard through the crowd.]

[some one]

You want “someone”, one word.

This revision is a lot better than the original. You have a lot more substance and I feel like this fits into a narrative better, as you give additional context for the scene. The transition from the opening to the battle is quite abrupt, though; the opening describing Guzma’s home life feels like the narration in a documentary, very detached and clinical, while the rest of the chapter is in more standard prose.