I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married

The real truth about love.

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap. I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly. I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile. Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response. I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.

Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. Three months after that, we were married.

I was in love. But then we got married, and everything changed.

And that whole time I was swooning. This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.

But then we got married, and everything changed.

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last 20 dollars in your bank account?

How can you feel it when you get into an argument?

How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you’re done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?

There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.

And at first, it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love! That excitement was how I knew I cared for her! But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when I was with her. Especially when I was with her.

And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.

Like, when I offered to do the dishes. Or make dinner after she had a hard day. Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.

Work It Out!

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while. It just kept happening.

But I think it had an effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.

And after each time, there would be this look she would give me. This look of absolute love. One that was soft and so beautiful.

It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about. It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.

In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.

And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.

And now, as I’m a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, I’ve finally come to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.

I didn’t love my wife on that second date.

I didn’t love her when we got engaged.

I didn’t even love her when we got married.

Love isn’t an emotion or even a noun. It’s a verb. Better defined as giving.

Because love isn’t an emotion. That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire. From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry. But it wasn’t love.

Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married? Because it wasn’t for her. It was for me. An emotion I had in my chest.

And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasn’t love.

Being sappy isn’t love. Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do.

And that’s why my wife just gave me that half-smile. She knew, even if I didn’t, what love really is.

And now that I’ve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.

From Disney movies to my favorite shows like The Office to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married. An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.

I can’t imagine a bigger lie. And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long. And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.

I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country. Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating. A country of people trying to live a Disney movie.

That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate; for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.

It’s sad to see just how common all the above is. How many people are in pain simply because they’ve been lied to.

Those people deserve better. We all deserve better.

It’s time that we changed the conversation about love. It’s time that we redefine it.

Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common. Loveless marriages. Divorce.

Elad Nehorai is a writer living in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. Five years ago, he became a religious Jew in the Chabad Hassidic community and has since written about his experience extensively, most recently in his blog Pop Chassid. You can find him on Twitter as @PopChassid and Facebook.

About the Author

Elad Nehorai is a writer living in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. Five years ago, he became a religious Jew in the Chabad Hassidic community and has since written about his experience extensively, most recently in his blog Pop Chassid. You can find him on Twitter as @PopChassid and Facebook.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 44

(33)
Anonymous,
June 30, 2015 5:07 PM

Languages of Love Differ Among Different People

It might be helpful to Elad and others facing the same challenge to know that people have different "love languages."After 41 years of a very special marriage -ending with my husband's death- I found a book that validated an idea that I had had stumbled upon myself: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Although not a Jew, Mr. Chapman has articulated a very profound idea that applies not only to marriage but to all sorts of interpersonal relationships. When you apply the right love language, you get miles ahead in effective communication with the other person. Acts of service is one of the five love languages but if that is not the language of the person you are trying to reach you will not be successful. I do not know if that idea can be found in the Torah, but probably it can be.

(32)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2015 6:28 AM

Love is hard to define

I'am so sorry about your story. I went in the same mistakes too. I thought love is a feeling when u first dated, when you had your first kiss and when u first hold hands together. It really feels so good when u have company. But love fades like a candle especially when we know in our gut feeling it wasn't meant to be. We try to work things out but turns out to be you are more of a slave than u are LOVED. Yes! I agree that love is a VERB not just an infatuation. I also know for a fact that love also is a RECIPROCAL, SHARED ACTION, when you give your love one give back to you too. When u forgive he/she forgives you too. When u understand he/she understand you too. When you get hurt, he/she protects you. When ur happy he/she is joyful too. Love is not suppose to be a NEED that requires to be DONE LIKE A TASK. But LOVE is INNATELY BE GIVEN NATURALLY. Human are the only creature in this planet have the capability to initiate LOVE and execute love. Marriage is only a symbol of your LOVE to each other. After marriage this where you execute LOVE.

(31)
Yehudit,
June 2, 2015 7:16 PM

Second marriage

Since our 10 year anniversary 7 years ago I've been telling my husband I wish it were possible to marry him a second time under a chuppah because the first time I didn't really know what I was committing to. I'd love to marry him now, knowing him as I do, and being able to fully appreciate the man under the Chuppa... I understand now that I didn't love home truly then knowing what love is now. Although I daresay that Hashem created that burning feeling to get us running under the chuppa, and then created the desire to give, to keep us there.....
Great article!!

(30)
Anonymous,
March 29, 2015 3:18 PM

Love & Respect

Your points on love were excellent. I would greatly appreciate to see some helpful points toward us women in learning how to truly have and show more respect to our husbands. Besides Love & Respect books written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs there is next to none available out there. The previous article which I had read about Deborah is an excellent one. Thanks a lot.

Miriam,
June 24, 2015 12:52 PM

The Surrendered Wife

A highly recommended book - The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.Talks the wife's role in a marriage, respect for self and husband and the little things that make a big difference

(29)
Bobby5000,
October 23, 2014 11:24 AM

Dating period

The author wrote, "Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. Three months after that, we were married." This is not always true. The Rebbe appears to have spent several years dating before marriage.

Outside this community, many Jews do not understand this push to early marriage. Seeing a 24 year old man with three kids, marriage and various financial obligations seems strange to us and just as strange, family members worried that a woman in her early 20's is not yet married. We can understand cautions against immorality and the sanctity of marriage and goal of having children, but don't understand the rush to do this at ages where they are still children.

(28)
sharona,
October 22, 2014 2:09 AM

Rabbi Tatz mentions that there are two stages. The first is the infatuation stage that helps you want to come together. Then when that wears off, there's the stage when you build true love through giving and continuous work on the relationship

(27)
Leah,
June 18, 2014 7:17 AM

Excellent!

Elad you explained the problem and the solution exactly!! I wish more people could see what the expectations of a Disney life do for the reality of it. I am sharing this with everyone I know. Thank you!

(26)
Bimlesh,
November 6, 2013 7:34 AM

Falling in love which is often coined as having emotions of love is like a child receiving a gift, having that emotion even before opening the parcel. It is a valid emotion and one that must have. As noted by the author the feeling lessens over a period. The passing of time, the slow evaporation of the feeling is not the demise of love but a branch of new kind of emotion that love requires. Before getting married (being in love) we brought gift. After marriage continue. Why? Because giving and loving continues only from a different dimension. Emotions does not die it transcends.

(25)
a girl,
November 5, 2013 3:14 PM

Engaged without love

I love this article!!! I thought I will be incredibly infatuated with the person I will get engaged to. And now I got engaged, he is a great guy, and I trust him, but I don´t feel in a Disney movie. And I feel something is wrong, shouldn´t I feel out of this world now?? But NO, I just watched too many Disney movies! I was dating for 4 years and now I found someone, that I think we can build a beautiful house together because he is a good person. And he did not do anything wrong. But I have doubts, because it is not like in a movie..... Because it is not how I would have had imagined. And I really feel that I have watched too many Disney movies in my life. And this is taking out the joy of my engagement now. Because my Chosson is a good guy, he is human, but he is not superman. And if I will be waiting for Robin Hood, Ken, superman or Prince Charming to step out of the TV, than I might miss a great guy, who is a real person. After all I am not Cinderella, neither am I snowwhite, I am just a regular good girl. .....

(24)
RONNIE,
November 3, 2013 6:59 PM

LOVE

LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, IT;S AN ACT OF YOUR LOVE

(23)
Jacob,
October 30, 2013 3:10 PM

This essay is so 1984

This essay is very confused. The author doesn't seem to realize that if you ignore the way people use words, you can define any word to mean anything you want.

The lie isn't that love is an emotion. Love *is* an emotion. The lie is that emotion "magically stays in a marriage forever".

The moral of the story is that there is no good reason to get married. There are, of course, many bad reasons to get married.

Nisan,
November 1, 2013 5:52 PM

There is a good reason to get married.

In response to Jacob's comment that there is no good reason to get married, he's wrong. There is a good reason to get married.

Marriage fosters consideration, acts of kindness, and growing outside of one's bubble of "me, me, me" in a way that no other committment will ever. It's unnatural for human nature to submit to another force except by force or choice and since giving is against the force of human nature, the only way to necessitate the act of giving, if someone wants a happy marriage(and good life, coincidentally), is through marriage to another person of the opposite sex with whom one shares certain qualities and goals.One who gets married, generally becomes a greater person and receives many blessings in their life, lives longer and better, as well. Therefore, it would only follow, that a society that encourages marriage in the Jewish way, would certainly reap the benefits of reward associated with the committment of marriage and less-selfishness.

Anonymous,
November 2, 2013 7:27 PM

love is more than an emotion. it's a force of nature.

(22)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2013 11:52 AM

The Emotion and Attraction are Important

Granted that love should deepen after marriage and that spouses who treat each other kindly will probably feel more love for one another. But there has to be some of that chemistry, spark, emotion, or even what you pejoratively call infatuation. Otherwise, why not just marry any kind person? Lots of people are kind and good. What makes you love your mate in particular? And you never mentioned sex. Since marriage involves a sexual relationship, isn't sexual attraction important? Since men tend to have more of a sex drive than women, I think it's especially important for the man to make his wife feel like his sweetheart and his soul mate, otherwise, why would she ever wish to have intimacy with him? And shouldn't the woman try to keep herself attractive for him so he won't get frustrated and fantasize about other women? And isn't it an act of unkindness to let yourself gain a lot of weight after marriage? How many brides diet to fit into that gown, but figure that they can eat what they like and get heavy afterwards. Blame it on the children! It takes a lot more than thoughtfulness around the house and helping with the kids. There needs to be emotion and some spark of excitement, too!

Dorit,
October 31, 2013 5:03 PM

But ...

... "doing something f-o-r one's spouse" (e. g. taking care of one's weight if possible etc.) gives space for "the spark", don't you know? "Giving" invites the other "into one's own life" as "the more valued one than myself".

I think, this "spark" you are talking of, is solely given by the Great G'D JHWH ... and we humans need to give HIM space, an Invitation ;-).

SHALOM to you all.

Rachel,
November 3, 2013 1:49 AM

Any kind person is marriage material

"...Otherwise, why not just marry any kind person?..."

What, pray tell, is wrong with marrying just any kind person? There is nothing special about your spouse except the effort the two of you put into your (plural) relationship, and it is that unique building that makes marriage an ecstatic and irreplaceable experience.

(21)
Susan Browne,
October 30, 2013 2:10 AM

I loved my husband, but then he got sick...

and I took care of him for 7 years. That is when I fell in love with him all over again. It was in the giving that my love for him was kept before my face every day.

And after he died, it was the loss of caring for him that was the almost intolerable pain.

Bunny Shuch,
March 16, 2016 10:18 PM

Condolences

So sorry for your loss! May your husband's memory be a blessing. and may memories of happier times with him be a comfort now.

(20)
Annie Register,
October 29, 2013 3:04 PM

Wow!

When I first read the title, I was thinking, "Oh, he's in a lot of trouble with his wife!", but after reading the whole thing, I find it very insightful and very true of most marriages and relationships. We all want, need, and crave love, unfortunately a lot of us, myself included, confuse our feelings just like you did. Thank you for a great article, that probably resonates with most of the married or formerly married couples. I know your wife is very proud of you, as you are of her!

(19)
rje,
October 29, 2013 6:45 AM

agree with Hal

I second Hal's suggestion (October 27) to read the book "The Five Love Languages." That book, more than any other I've ever read, explains how to learn what others need to feel loved. Follow the suggestions in the book, apply them in all your relationships, and you'll have better, stronger friendships overall. The same principles can be used with friends and co-workers, employees and employers, and all relationships. Do you want your employees to like and respect you? This will help. Do you want your spouse to love and respect you? Applying the knowledge in "The Five Love Languages" can save a marriage.

(18)
Jennifer Dublino,
October 28, 2013 4:48 PM

Real love

I am in a loving, happy marriage with 5 beautiful children for almost 19 years and my husband and I have grown more in love every year. For me, love means a true connection to the soul of the other person, where the beauty you see there inspires you to be a better person. It doesn't mean you think the other one is perfect, but just that they make you want to achieve the perfection the Creator meant for us to be.

(17)
Anonymous,
October 28, 2013 1:54 PM

Great Article

Finally someone has put into words the way I have been feeling for 10 years. Recently divorced because of adultery. I try to keep telling myself I still lover her and perhaps I do. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to give more even if it means giving her what she believes she wants.

Wow this will take a lot of hard emotional evaluation.

(16)
JD,
October 28, 2013 11:59 AM

Loveless marriage

I'm one of those in a loveless marriage and it's horrible. We seem to be going in opposite directions and I give n give n give n she takes n takes n takes and nothing changes except my aggrevation n frustration getting greater n greater.

Chava,
October 30, 2013 12:23 AM

me too

Wow, me too. Its horrible isn't it? Wish I would have known these things many years ago. Being invisible is so lonely.

(15)
Margarita,
October 28, 2013 11:08 AM

interesting article

it is interesting and yet very sad to read this story. i dare to say that the love was there from the first date, it evolved now though. i think you have to have a real feeling to start with and, if we are lucky enough, it evolves and growth and changes with us. if we are really blessed, our partner is going through the same emotion and hopefully at the similar rate.

Dee,
October 29, 2013 3:02 PM

Agree with you Margarita .......

It does evolve Margarita, but not out of luck; out of hard work and caring for the other person. And yes, timing is everything! I am in an almost 30 year relationship and I really do believe we grow a tiny bit closer each year.

(14)
Shimona,
October 28, 2013 8:59 AM

Falling in Love with Love

Surely what you describe is, in fact, the difference between "Loving a person" and "Being in Love with someone."Or, in the words of the popular song: "Falling in love with love is falling for Make-Believe".

(13)
N.Weiner,
October 28, 2013 8:59 AM

Offer and Acceptance equal Giving

I always believed that offering was the first step to giving, and the acceptance of the offer made it complete. When it comes to love the giving in any form is a matter of the heart and mind of the offer er and receiver. In order for it to be successful there has to be a meeting of the minds and heart for it to be consummated and satisfying. Appreciation and Gratefulness are also action words that can be considered part of giving as well it comes from the heart.

(12)
Anonymous,
October 28, 2013 3:53 AM

Great! Love grows as we give & receive.

I consider myself lucky to have had both, the pre-marriage infatuation that the modern world mislabels "love," & the real emotion that comes after marriage from admiring the person's good traits and giving to them and receiving from them on an ongoing basis, and growing with them.

(11)
Melissa,
October 28, 2013 2:37 AM

Not a contradiction

I read the article and the comments... What the writer is saying is that the live was achieved by giving... He never said that the day he stops giving he stops loving as a commentator expressed... If a person were to become ill and unable to continue to give, the dep rooted love that was created by constantly giving and doing for one another will of course continue to burn. Also, the Hebrew word for love is "ahava" of which the root is "hav" which means to give... The real path to love is to give...

(10)
Ilia,
October 27, 2013 11:58 PM

the same exactly happened with me!

Thanks so much, it is a greate article

(9)
Hal,
October 27, 2013 7:41 PM

Love talk & love action

Try "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

(8)
Rachel,
October 27, 2013 6:51 PM

Sad if you had no role models besides Disney movies

Where were your parents and other married adults when you were growing up? Of course movies only tell the part of the story that occurs before "happily ever after", because really, stories are not generally about everyday life, no matter how sweet and lovely; stories are always about achieving a goal in spite of conflicts and barriers.But I don't remember a time in my life when my parents did not emphasize that (a) love means putting the other person's needs above one's own and (b) love means a lifetime commitment. Just as any normal parent will not stop loving a child when that child doesn't live up to the parent's expectations, a spouse should not stop loving the other when that spouse fails to do so. It's pathetic if most people think that real life is like movies or songs. Kind of like assuming that being an attorney is just like what happens every week on "The Good Wife". (I'm an attorney; it's not.)

(7)
Dina Yaffa,
October 27, 2013 4:44 PM

great article! very thought provoking.

(6)
Madeleine,
October 27, 2013 4:10 PM

Love is a creative act

Love is an ongoing creative action. It is not just an emotion or a thing like a chair, that once you get it will remain a comfortable support and resting place. Love is one of the most creative actions we can do with our consciousness. You don't fall into it. That's illusion. You create it all the time day after day like planting and tending a beautiful garden. Love is your living creation. And when we are being creative in this way we are also being one with The Creator. I've been lucky enough and creative enough to have sustained being in love for 42 years.

(5)
Sarah Weintraub,
October 27, 2013 2:53 PM

Our conversation yesterday - Giving is the key "to love"

This is what we were discussing yesterday at the shabbas table.Great follow up

Shavuah Tov

(4)
crosscountryman,
October 27, 2013 2:50 PM

Love is a VERB

The act of Love is a decision made on a daily basis. Romance is an emotion based on cultural bombardment in the media. Amerikans are oversold on the emotional aspects of attraction which for the most part is the imperious urge to procreate. That definitely doesn't last. That's why so many marriages end in DIVORCE.

(3)
Alan S.,
October 27, 2013 11:04 AM

NIce for you, but not for all.

For you, it sounds as if love may be defined as ‘giving’. This is fine for you. And while it is true that if you love someone, you give whatever you can to that person --regardless of what it is you are giving – for many people, myself included, there still has to be an emotional connection to that person as well. This emotional connection can be satisfied by the words “I love you.” But of course, there has to be proper action accompanied by these words as well.The ‘giving’ can not be all there is. After all, you can give a hobo on the street a few bucks to get a meal, but this does mean that you love that person. I think not.Some people do need to hear words of love, perhaps in lieu of or in addition to actions. For me, love is in both, ie., the giving and the talking. Sure, talk is cheap. That is why, for me and others, perhaps not you, love needs to consist of the physical – the give, and the spiritual, the words. Hearing “I love you” speaks to my soul. (Unfortunately for me, this is something that my wife has not fully mastered in a sincere and spontaneous way.) For me and others, words of love are important, as important as the ‘love’ that is between us as we do the dishes, or clean the house, or raise the children.Some people, after all, do need the Disney version of love.

a,
October 29, 2013 5:34 PM

hmmm

Of course love is important - but it increases as you give. Saying "I love you" is one form of giving if that is what the other needs. -and btw If you give to the hobo every day and look after his other needs as well - you probably would start caring.

Alan S.,
October 30, 2013 11:55 PM

No question, 'love' can increase as you give. However, please don't confuse 'love' with 'caring'. You can give to the same hobo everyday for years. This surely shows you care, but, again, do you love him or her? Probably not. Do you fall in love, or love everyone you care about? Probably not.

Anonymous,
March 16, 2016 10:37 PM

Some people didn't grow up in families that expressed love verbally

I also like hearing when my husband says "I love you" and I tell him too. (We also regularly tell that to our children and grandchildren.) But some people have trouble saying those words and it sounds like your wife has that problem. Perhaps it wasn't something that was done in her family of origin and that's why it doesn't come spontaneously. However, please try to notice other ways that she has of expressing her love for you and then express appreciation, such as "I feel so loved when you do this." That may help ?

(2)
Michal,
October 27, 2013 10:11 AM

I don't agree

Because you had quite a difficult experience, that does not mean, it has to be like that. I would rather stay on my own for my whole life than to marry without being loved.Who says it has to start on the first sight?! Only after talking a lot, you start to love the other one. You can not love, if you do not know him/her. And love does not depend on giving. Imagine, you suddenly fall ill and can not do anything at all for the other one, does that mean, you stop loving her/him?To give is a part of love. All is your own experience. It is no law. Hashem leads His children in different ways.

(1)
Batsheva,
October 27, 2013 8:54 AM

Try Bliss

Rabbi Stephen Baars' seminar Bliss is a great way to put the marriage relationship back on track and put the bliss into your marriage. for women, Rebbetzin Rigler's online course is life changing.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...