Saturday, December 31, 2016

Tomorrow,
and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

That I consider as
an expression of existential angst, but I am seized with the reality of
fleeting time. My angst is one of unfulfilled desires so as another year ends I
am tempted to write –

An Ode to the Year gone by

Oh! Maybe if I had
not blinked,

The year would not
have passed me by,

All the tomorrows
are now yesterdays

And the year a
yesteryear,

The days no longer
creep,

But pass me by at
furious pace.

Oh! Maybe if I had not
blinked,

I could still have
held on to those moments lost,

Moments when I had willed,

Time should stand
still.

Though I know time
and tide wait for no man

But couldn’t they
wait a little longer?

Oh! But I blinked,

I couldn’t do
otherwise

For therein lies my
destiny.

Yet another year
has passed us by. As I now stand at the threshold of the dawn of another new
year I look back to see what I have left behind. ‘Nothing much’ I say to
myself, nothing which I can retrieve and carry with me except unfulfilled
resolutions and a bucket that never seems to empty. I have only grown in time
and carry with me the hope that the morrow will usher in further resolutions to
keep me going and maybe a chance to take care of the list that still lies in
the bucket. I remember when I was in school we were asked to write an essay on
‘My New Year Resolutions’. I did a commendable job in expressing myself in words
for that’s what the teacher told me. But he was intrigued by the two lines with
which I had ended the essay –

To every resolution made

A goodbye did I bade

He asked why I had
written that and I answered truthfully that they sounded fine for they rhymed.
He gave me a quizzical look and proceeded to advise me that it only reflected a
defeatist attitude and there should be no room for procrastination in future.
He cut out the two lines and said that now it read better. I learnt my lesson.
I learnt that resolutions keep us going. Whether they are ultimately resolved
are not, they take us forward. And life is all about going forward as much as
we can. All our dreams do not come true that does not mean we cannot dream.

The ode that I have
penned above is not procrastination or defeatist. It is only to convey the anguish
I feel in not being able to hold on to moments that would soon fade away into
memory. The rule of life however ensures that everything fades away, but I take
comfort from the fact that every year that fades away soon gives way to a new
year with renewed resolutions and renewed hopes and will give rise to moments
that we shall cherish once again (and hopes that moments which gave us pain do
not recur though that is hoping for the inevitable).

I recall the visit
of a dear friend who stayed with us on one of his trips to India. He took out a
paper and showed me what he called his bucket list. If I remember right there
were nearly sixty items which included – learning new languages including
Japanese, Spanish, taking part in adventure sports like paragliding and learning
to play the trumpet etc. and mind you he was in his late sixties at that time. When
I met him a year or two later he told me that he was still in the process of
ticking of items in that list and there were quite a few which he had ticked
off. If you ask me whether he plays the trumpet well, I will say does that
really matter. It makes me wonder, that while I have been sitting and only
dreaming of things I want to do, here was a man who has tried to turn his
dreams to reality. Ultimately not everyone can attain perfection; it is the
process of undergoing the experience that matters. At the end of the day life
is all about experiencing.

It is important
setting a goal for oneself, for that is what makes you move forward. It is on
the way, on that journey, that we start seeing and experiencing things which we
have never really understood before. You see things with a new perspective, a
perspective that has been sharpened by the experiences on the way.

At the beginning of
the year I had one major resolution and that was to complete my second book and
have it published and that happened. Today as I sit here writing all this, I do
not evaluate its success, though it does make me happy when a few of my friends
tell me that they liked it. To me writing the book was the experience and it
carried me forward during the year. Someone asked “So what now, when is your
third book coming out?” I am not sure whether he had read my book, for he did
not have anything to say about it, but I did reply “That will be my New Year
resolution”.

We age every moment
but we measure our age in years. May be that is for giving enough time to
balance out the bad moments with the good ones and end up with a net balance of
happiness and that is why we wish each other a happy new year for that is what
we ultimately aspire for.

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned
about life: it goes on.”

― Robert Frost

Aside from my own
reflections and thoughts on the year that has passed us by and my aspirations
for the year that is on the threshold, I wish all my friends a New Year of fulfillment,
happiness and peace. To each their resolutions that will take them towards discovering
new frontiers and self-discovery, I wish all the best.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A year ago I wrote a post – ‘Submerged
– The Day Chennai Sank’. The rains that battered the city
were unprecedented as it was reported that it was the highest in the last 100
years. I was there then. For the first time I saw Chennai rise up as a single
united force without relying on the unreliable support of the political class,
to battle the forces of nature to ensure the survival of the city. And this
they did for the city was back on its feet again. There are many who are still
recovering from the losses they had suffered.

This time around I was
not there when Nature decided to unleash its fury on the city through wind –
the cyclone Vardah. When the city had already geared itself for a repeat of
last year’s heavy rains, disaster struck from elsewhere. Last year the city was
underwater, this time it was blown away. As I saw the visuals on the television
of the devastation caused all around, my heart missed a beat and a feeling of
profound sadness overtook me. Not only because of the misery that had befallen
thousands of people for the second year in succession, but the fact that the
cyclone had uprooted along with the trees the very soul of what was once known
as Madras.

Fifty years ago I remember
cycling down the avenues of Adyar, Theosophical Society, Kalakshetra – trees,
trees everywhere. With the passage of time a number of them vanished with
apartments taking over the places of houses/ bungalows. But still the green
cover did exist, and the older trees did stand as testimonials to an era gone,
guardians of a spirit that still flickered in the memories of old timers like
me.

I have been told that most
of the older trees (definitely older than fifty years) have been uprooted and
fallen on the ground blocking the roads. They will be dismembered, the roads
will be cleared and the gaping hole where once they stood will be filled with
mud and concrete (well could we call it a decent burial?). As I saw the
photographs of these giants laid low by the fury of nature I felt the sorrow of
having lost a dear friend. There is sadness at the loss of human life and
property, but for me this is the end of a generation.

I do not deny that I did
spend a sleepless night wondering whether the tree under which my car was
parked would fall down and smash it to smithereens. As expected I did receive a
call from my neighbor that a big branch of the tree was perched precariously above
and with the next gust of wind was bound to fall on my car. I told them where
to find my car keys (the house key was with the neighbor) and promptly four of
the younger generation had the car moved to a safer place. Though rebuilding
homes and lives and the city is going to be a long and painful process, I am
sure that like it happened during the floods last year, Chennaiites will rise
once more to bring back normalcy to the city as soon as possible

Trees
are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to
listen to them can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts,
they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life. – Hermann Hesse

Monday, November 28, 2016

This is an excerpt from my book
‘Darkness and Beyond – A Medley of Many Lives’ which was released in July 2016.
I know that a few/many of you who have read the book may relish (hope so)
reading it again, but it is to the vast majority of friends who have not read
the book who I wish will read this and may be find an echo of their own
feelings

“What is it that you seek?”

“I come seeking happiness” I
replied.

“Why do you seek happiness?”

“I believe that it will bring
an end to my suffering” I again replied.

“And what is that suffering you
talk about?” he asked with a smile on his lips.

“This very existence, it is
painful.”

“So what do you mean by
‘painful’?” he continued.

“Well, it’s an unpleasant feeling. It makes living miserable.”

“What is this feeling you talk
about? Where do you think it rises from?” he once again asked.

For a moment, I lapsed into silence and then said, “I am filled with anxiety when I think that one day I shall
die without ever having achieved all that I have wanted to in life. I shall die
without having known what true happiness is. It makes me miserable and I
suffer.”

“You really think that if you
find happiness it will bring an end to your suffering?”

“Isn’t that so?” I asked.

“No, happiness does not bring
an end to suffering. It is the end of suffering that brings happiness. So you
see there is no way that you can escape suffering. It is a process that has to
be undergone before you reach happiness.”

“And how does suffering end?”

“When you learn to live with
it?”

“How‘s that possible?” I asked.

“Well when I said you should
learn to live with it, I meant that it would be necessary for you to understand
the cause and accept the effect as a natural result of your own actions. Once
acceptance is there then it ceases to bother you and the unpleasantness or the
suffering as you would like to call it, vanishes. This perhaps is the state of
happiness you are referring to.”

“Do you mean to say that I
should accept the suffering and do nothing about it?” I asked.

“I never said that. The process
of understanding and acceptance is in itself the way to overcome suffering.

Life is interspersed with periods of suffering and periods of happiness. Both
are temporal in nature and vanish the day you die. After all, both are
sensations of our physical existence.”

“So you mean to say that there
is nothing like a state of permanent happiness?”

“What I told you is true of our
physical existence. This is a reality one has to accept before realizing what
lies beyond. It is in this process of trying to understand and accept that we
ultimately transcend the boundaries imposed on us and maybe get a glimpse of that permanent happiness that you talk about, though I would term it as bliss or
eternal peace. You said you have come here seeking happiness. I cannot nor can
anyone else give you what you want for you are searching in the wrong place.
What you seek is within you and that’s where you will find the answers. Running
away from reality does not take you any closer to what you are seeking. I can
only say that your suffering will teach you more about who you are then your
happiness.”

Monday, November 21, 2016

Some time ago I posted a review
of Dr. Atul Gawande’s book ‘BEING MORTAL’. This book deals with the author’s
confrontation with terminally ill patients, the aging and dying. The book
traces the slow development of palliative care from Nursing Homes to Hospices
to Assisted living. It lays bare the reality of aging and increasing dependence.
I found it disturbing. In Gawande’s own words, “Being mortal is about the
struggle to cope with the constraints of our biology, with the limits set by
genes and cells and flesh and bone. We have been wrong about what our job is in
medicine. We think our job is to ensure health and survival. But really it is
larger than that. It is to enable well-being. And well-being is about the
reasons one wishes to be alive.”

I found these words of Dr.
Gawande echoing in my mind when I sat down to review Amrit Bakshy’s book ‘Mental
Illness and Caregiving’. May be I used the wrong word when I said ‘review’ for I
am in no way qualified to do this. This is a book which within its pages (200
and odd) places before you all that you wanted to understand about mental
illness and how one goes about handling with it. Written by a person who had
undergone the trauma of dealing with a daughter who was affected with
Schizophrenia and who along with his wife learned to cope with the situation
and ensured that his daughter could lead a meaningful life in the long run,
this book is an authentic guide to all caregivers and the affected. Mr. Bakshy
who had taken early retirement from his job so that he and his wife could take
care of their daughter is now the President of the SAA (Schizophrenia Awareness
Association) in Pune. He is also the Chairperson of the Hospital Management
Committee of NIMHAANS.

The book was sent to me by a
friend and I am thankful to him. While going through the book one realizes how
little the awareness of mental health is among the general population. The stigma
attached and the utter hopelessness we find ourselves in tackling such a
condition in a family member (or in ourselves) has perhaps contributed to the large
unattended cases of mental illness amongst us. Bakshy says that first of all
the family has to accept that a family member is having mental illness and
needs treatment urgently. Once the family accepts, it becomes relatively easy
to convince the family member to go and get professional help.

The book is divided into four
parts –

1)Orientation
–
covering the basic information to the caregiver regarding the various types of
mental disorders like Neurosis and Psychosis (though the author says that this
broad classification is no longer valid), the impact and role of the families,
the caregiver, barriers to treatment, medication and side effects.

2)Theories,
Therapy and Treatment – providing guidance on the various issues
that arise during the process of caregiving

Why has
it been so hard for us to accept the reality of mental illness? If we
introspect we shall see that all of us are in some way or the other mentally
sick in varying degrees. While it is easy for us to accept that a part of our
physical body has been diseased (even a common cold or flu) and rush to a
doctor for treatment, how many of us will accept that he or she suffers from
OCD or some form of neurosis which is a mild form of mental disorder. Bakshy
defines Neurosis and Psychosis in the book –

‘Persons
with neurosis remain in contact with reality (no delusions, or hallucinations)
and understand that they have a condition affecting their daily chores, but
feel helpless. They have inexplicable anxiety at the subconscious level –
anxiety, depression, phobias, eating disorders etc.’

‘Psychosis
is manifested by a loss of contact with reality. Persons with psychotic
disorders do not accept they have a problem. They live in a world of delusions
and hallucinations. They lose touch with reality like Schizophrenia, Manic
Depressive Disorders etc.’

Years ago
when I was in Baroda, we had arranged as part of the social service activities
of the Bank branch which I was heading, a visit to a hospital for the mentally
ill and serve the inmates lunch. We have come a long way from calling such
places as a lunatic asylum, such a derogatory way of describing it, but we did
and that was the reality then. If you ask me now what we accomplished, I will
truthfully answer that it was part of meeting targets under the Bank’s
programs. But I remember that visit even now for it was the first time that I
came to closely observe the life inside. It was unnerving and at the same time
depressing. It has taken a long time for that experience to take root within me
and now when I read this book of Bakshy, I realize that to really make a
difference and be a catalyst for transformation it requires tremendous amount
of sacrifice and courage and that’s what sets people like him apart. If you ask
me now whether I have read the book, I shall say no for the value of the book
lies in our understanding and acceptance of the fact that there is such a thing
as mental illness and us playing a proactive role in mitigating the trauma such
people undergo.

It
would be necessary for me to quote Mr. Bakshy’s own narration of the transformation
that happened in his life –

“Looking
back I remember my becoming a proud father of a bundle of joy in 1972. Eighteen
years later, in 1991, destiny made me her caregiver. In 2007 I became a
volunteer for helping those with mental illness and their families and in 2010 I
joined the mental health movement as a full time activist. The journey
continues. I have made arrangements for Richa after my wife and I are no more. I
get great satisfaction to be ‘Agony Uncle’ of the community of caregivers.

I feel I
have an unending responsibility towards my daughter and the mental health community,
so this journey will continue as long as I am functional.”

I wish
and hope that Mr. Amrit Bakshy will be able to reach a wider audience through
his book in his efforts to create an awareness of ‘Challenges, Concerns and
Complications’ in dealing with mental illness and its mitigation.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Now that you must have read An
Extraordinary Man (Amitabh Bachchan)’s letter to his granddaughter, I request
you to spend some time to read the letter written by an Ordinary Man to his
daughters much earlier.

I am posting this excerpt from
my book ‘I am just An Ordinary Man’ which was released in October 2014. I know
a number of you who have read the book may relish (hope so) reading it again,
but it is to the vast majority of friends who have not read the book who I wish
will read this and may be find an echo of their own feelings.

‘Who
would want to read the auto biography of an ordinary man? I know you will and
may be other ordinary men. No one is going to write our biography; we are not
that interesting.’

My grandson is a beautiful
child and I am sure one day he shall grow up being a handsome and confident
young man. But above all I wish to see him as a loving and good human being. I
am hopeful that I shall be there to see this happen. I know you are capable of
giving him all the love that he needs, but you have to ensure in the process
that he is given his space and is allowed to develop independently. For this,
it is absolutely necessary for you to take stock of your emotions and keep them
under control. At every step you should make him understand what is expected of
him for it is never too early to start. It’s most important he should
understand the value of relationships. I look forward to the day (maybe when I
am eighty years old) when I come over to your place on a visit he gives me a
big hug and says “Hello grandpa, how are you?” that would be enough.

When I look back over the
years, I think your mother and I have as parents given you and your sister all
the love and space you needed to grow up as individuals who can take their own
decisions and chart the course of their own lives. I am happy that you both
have grown up as good human beings and I have no doubt about that. Of course we
each have our own fallibilities but in the ultimate analysis if we can live a
life devoid of all those base instincts of jealousy and a desire to hurt other
people through our actions and words, it is a worthwhile life. I always wish
that you become stronger, realize your own worth and are able to face any
adversity with equanimity and firmness. Believe in yourself and never be shy of
standing up for what is right. These are qualities which you will be passing on
to your child.

Your mother and I are as
individuals very different in our views and approach to life but we have been
together for thirty five years and the passage of time has in no way diminished
the love we have between us. That is because we have given each other the space
required by us as individuals in our own right and a tolerance towards each
other’s views and above all a trust that has grown stronger over the years. Not
that we have not had our fights or have not been irritated at each other
sometimes, we still have them but they have been of no consequence given the
strength of the relationship. We may belong to a different generation than
yours and have not been subjected to the pressures of the present day living
and demands, but I guess the basic definitions for happiness, understanding and
relationships will hold to whichever generation you may belong to.

I have always found that the
best way to handle people who irritate you is to ignore them and move away.
Conflict does not get us anywhere except increase the existing tension. By
this, I do not propagate the view that one should always keep quiet for there
will be situations where you feel that what is happening is unjust. In that
case you have to speak out and make the other person see reason, or at least
understand your point of view. If this also fails, then you will be left with
no option but to fight it out. But, are we prepared for this? Do we have the
necessary mental setup to withstand the consequences of such an action? These
are questions that you will have to answer for yourself. I can only say that
injustice should never be tolerated.

I never like to be preached upon and I try to
avoid preaching to others. But I say all this out of parental concern. Your
mother may have different views but we have only one thing in our minds and
that is you should be happy and comfortable in your life. We never expect
demonstrations of affection for we know you love us and that is enough.

Our life is one endless stream
of choices. At every step we are forced to choose. We choose to accept or we
choose to rebel. Ultimately the life you are living is the life you have
chosen. There is no point blaming someone or for that matter God, that things
have not gone the way you expected them to be. You make compromises all the way
to ensure that you are not inconvenienced in the conduct of your life. In the
process you may lose all that you had held as valuable. It is when we want to
retain our values that we choose to rebel. Rebellion brings with it its own
share of misery and suffering but it ensures that your life becomes more authentic
and helps you realize your own worth.

As a father I can always advise
you. Like I said I am concerned and that is the only reason. Do not allow
yourself to be manipulated and do not manipulate others. Be a good person but
be firm in your relationships and let people know that you are an individual in
your own right and that you expect respect in return for respect. I never want
to hear a weak voice when I talk to you and would always like to see you with
an erect stature and look people in their eyes when you interact with them.
These are the signs of an individual who knows oneself.

I have written this letter to
you and would like you to keep it and show it to your children when they grow
up so that they are able to understand and appreciate the concern that parents
have towards their children. I am sure that with all the love that you are
capable of giving them they will grow up to be fine human beings