84102: Love which ends in marriage – is it haraam?

Firstly: The
relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which
people call “love” is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i
and moral limits.

No wise
person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a
man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her,
kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes
desire.

This
relationship may lead to things that are more serious than that, as is
happening nowadays.

We have
mentioned a number of these haraam things in the answer to question no.
84089.

Secondly:

Studies have
shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man
and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam
relationships, which people call “traditional marriages”, succeed.

In a field
study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was:

Marriage is
more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before
marriage.

In another
study of 1500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma’eel ‘Abd al-Baari, the
conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst
the rate among traditional marriages – those which were not based on prior
love – was less than 5%.

We can
mention the most important causes of this outcome:

1-
Emotion blinds one to seeing
faults and dealing with them, as it is said: “Love is blind”. One or both
parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those
faults only become apparent after marriage.

2-
The lovers may think that life
is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and
dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal
with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted
with the problems and responsibilities of life.

3-
The lovers are not used to
debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in
order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each
party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens
after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used
to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.

4-
The image that each lover has
of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and
gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying
to present to the other during the so-called “love” phase, but no one can
carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears
after marriage, and leads to problems.

5-
The period of love is usually
based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality
that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring
her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the
happiest person in the world, and so on.

But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and
on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won
him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, “A small nest is
sufficient for us” and “A small morsel is sufficient for us” and “I will be
content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive”! This is exaggerated
emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the
woman complains about her husband’s miserliness, and his failure to meet her
needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and
too many expenses.

For these
reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage
that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not
marrying So and so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman
regrets not marrying So and so whom her parents approved of, but in fact
they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high
rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the
happiest marriages in the world!

Thirdly:

The reasons
mentioned above are real, and have happened in real life, but we should not
ignore the real reason for the failure of these marriages, which are based
on disobedience to Allaah. Islam can never approve of these sinful
relationships, even if the aim is marriage. Therefore they cannot escape the
just divine punishment, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But
whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur’aan
nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship”

[Ta-Ha
20:124]

A hard and
difficult life is the result of disobeying Allaah and turning away from His
Revelation.

And Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if
the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwa (piety), certainly,
We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth”

[al-A’raaf 7:96]

Blessings
from Allaah are a reward for faith and piety, but if there is no faith or
piety, or only a little thereof, the blessing will be reduced or even
non-existent.

And Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Whoever
works righteousness — whether male or female — while he (or she) is a true
believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in
this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay
them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do
(i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”

[al-Nahl
16:97]

A good life
is the fruit of faith and righteous deeds.

Allaah
indeed spoke the truth when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“Is it
then he who laid the foundation of his building on piety to Allaah and His
Good Pleasure better, or he who laid the foundation of his building on the
brink of an undetermined precipice ready to crumble down, so that it
crumbled to pieces with him into the fire of Hell. And Allaah guides not the
people who are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)”

[al-Tawbah 9:109]

The one
whose marriage is based on this haraam foundation must hasten to repent and
seek forgiveness and seek a righteous life that is based on faith, piety and
righteous deeds.

Please also
see the answer to question no.
23420 for more
information.

May Allaah help us all to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.