It was years ago when my therapists' words let me accept that I was a victim. He wasn't even my regular guy, who was unavailable at that office at that time. (I was just finishing therapy for suicidal tendencies at the time.)

I've heard the stories, read some of the brave things people have put places like this. So many have suffered so much more than I think anyone should ever need to even think of, and no one should ever experience.

But here I was with all the signs, and I just hated myself worse for it. If such little things were done to me and I was this messed up, it was proof that I was even worse than the *real* survivors.

"What about what's happened to you? Have you considered doing anything about the fact of your abuse?""You've read my file. What happened to me was no big deal. I know what other guys have gone through.""B. Does it have to be a Big Deal on some scale for it to be a Big Deal for you?"

And he was right.

It's been a hard road since then. Lots to deal with. Sexual compulsions, unwanted memories, fantasies, worse. Never felt worth anything since the abuse. Never felt like I ever had a hope or future worth working towards.

But it turns out there was hope out there. Lots in my church body. Some good therapists. Some good and long-suffering friends.

Not fixed yet. Work in progress to be completed After. But strong enough to step out and say here I am. Maybe strong enough to ask for help. Maybe strong enough to give some. We'll see.

Sigh. I have an English degree and typing this simple synopsis scares the snot out of my. (Forgive me, I retreat to alliteration when stressed.)

Edited by Onesimus75 (08/22/1302:22 PM)

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We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

Glad you are/were in therapy. I wonder if I ever won't be. I don't see my T on a regular basis anymore, but I do feel the need to see him once in a while as new stuff surfaces.

It doesn't matter how you were abused. You were and it had an effect on you. I have a cousin who wasn't sexually abused, but his sense of worthlessness is maybe more than mine because his step father wouldn't even acknowledge his existence for 2 year. No one will judge you here and I think you will find there are a lot of other guys here with the same feelings you are having and have had.

I don't know if I will ever be fixed, but I'm not going to stop trying. The alternative is even more unthinkable now.

Welcome and I think you will find a lot of good stuff here to help you.

_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

Welcome to MS. We are a bunch of odd socks going round and round in the dryer of life. Hows that for alliteration?

Seriously, this a great place to get support and learn, among other things, that you are not alone in this. We've all had different experiences, (yes, some more horrific than others) but all have similar issues with relationships, sex, identity, self-worth, anger, fear, and on and on....

Be well and don't give up.

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

"B. Does it have to be a Big Deal on some scale for it to be a Big Deal for you?"

And he was right.

very true!

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

It's been a hard road since then. Lots to deal with. Sexual compulsions, unwanted memories, fantasies, worse. Never felt worth anything since the abuse. Never felt like I ever had a hope or future worth working towards.

that was me for a L-O-N-G time. i was wrong in thinking there was no hope.

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

But it turns out there was hope out there. Lots in my church body. Some good therapists. Some good and long-suffering friends.

very good - my story too - counselling, supportive friend and wife, MS site, lots of reading and writing - and my faith in God - have all contributed to my progress.

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

Not fixed yet. Work in progress to be completed After. But strong enough to step out and say here I am. Maybe strong enough to ask for help. Maybe strong enough to give some. We'll see.

good to know and a good place to be...

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

Sigh. I have an English degree and typing this simple synopsis scares the snot out of my. (Forgive me, I retreat to alliteration when stressed.)

you are forgiven. i am an english teacher - one way i act out is by abusing punctuation, spelling and grammer and neglecting capitalization!

welcome, man!lee

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

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