Hello, me again.
Having realized that I have hit a dead end with the Kingdom of Lasharron and that it wasn't that great to begin with, I have started a new Lego story. It may or may not reach completion; I almost never finish my stories. The only one I can think of was a script for a movie me and a friend were making (and we didn't finish the movie ). But anyway, this story will be sort of like the old roleplay- that is, it has the Bulls, the Royal Knights, the Black Falcons, the Vikings, etc. The world is the same one on the map in my Brickshelf folder (it can be found here: http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=176473 ). Established Lego characters like Weezil, Danju, Princess Storm, Majisto, and Basil Batlord will appear, along with original characters like Skrza, Halfdan, and Gwyto (no, you will have to wait to find out who they are ). Any way, here is the text of the first chapter (all I've got so far), just so you gus can get an idea of it and tell me if I should post anymore. Here goes:
CHAPTER ONE: BAD NEWS
King Leo was getting old, but his mind was no sharper than it had been when he became king of the Lions fifteen years ago. Since then he had waged war against the Bulls, captured a Fright Knight colony to the north, made peace with both nations, and brought peace and prosperity to his lands. His senses were no duller either. He heard the running feet of the messenger coming up the hall to the throne room. Judging by the clinking mail, it was young Skrza. Leo was rather fond of Skrza; the guard was a good fighter with his broadsword, although he would not comply with the Lion's uniform and stuck with his old Classic Legoland suit. At last Skrza burst in. He wore a flared bullet helm and scale mail.
"Your Majesty!" he said, breathless, "There's a Viking outside and he wants to talk to you!"
Leo was quite surprised by this, as the Vikings did not ally with any other kingdoms. He nodded to his lovely wife, Leonora, to leave; Vikings got very violent very easily. His daughter Storm remained, a cold, impassive figure with bright red hair, a mace slung across her back and a cutlass in her belt. Leo turned back to Skrza.
"Send him in- with an escort, of course." Skrza nodded and left.
Skrza returned several minutes later, with the knight John of Mayne. They flanked a burly minifig; this was clearly the Viking. Storm drew her weapons, but there was no need; the Viking actually bowed. He fumbled for words, as though unused to English.
"Your Highness, uh, I bring..." he thought for a moment- "grave-yes, (that)' it- news."
"Well, what is your news, Sir Viking?"
This seemed to give the Viking confidence, as he spoke more clearly.
"I am an oarsman on de ship Jormungand," he said, "ve vere sailing north from a raid on Port Tauros- sorry- und ve vere attacked. Our attackers were also going north. I believe dey may haff been going to attack your northern territory."
"And what makes you say that, Viking?" Storm asked bluntly.
The Viking turned to her. " Dey vere burning a Lions flag. Und my name is Halfdan Rootfury, if you don't mind."
Storm was about to retort, but Leo interrupted. "You'll have to excuse my daughter, she can be a bit blunt at times. Now, do you have any suggetions as to what we should do?"
"You should send an army. Dat much is obvious."
Leo shook his head. "We cannot spare the army; not with the Dragon Masters threatening war."
"Then send me."
All eyes turned to the speaker: Princess Storm.
"I can handle anything," she boasted.
"Yes, the funerals after the last tournament proved that," Leo said sternly. "A party will go. You will not be part of it."
Storm was about to protest, but Skrza interupted. "Your Majesty, perhaps it would be good for your daughter; perhaps if she saw more of Karbaddon, she would settle down a bit?" Skrza wasn't quite sure why he said this; maybe because he had a feeling he would be in this party and wanted good fighters around; maybe because he wanted to stay on Storm's good side so she wouldn't use him for archery practice.
"Hmm, you may be right," Leo mused, "Yes. indeed. John, take Mr. Rootfury to the armory and let him choose a weapon. Skrza, tell the chef to prepare food for the journey, then fetch Richard. You leave in a weeks time!"

So that's it. What do you think? Also, would it be okay if I made small references to the Chronicles of Ikros, like expressions ("By Xanath's beard!" "What in the name of Ulmerad..." etc.) or mentioning Kahlan on a map or something? Just wondering.

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins

A great start. It is a little dull. You have to pull the reader in on the first chapter. Action is a good way to do this. Have some kind of scene that pulls any reader.
Action of coarse is not everything. You can have many other ways too. You did a little bit of suspence, but not enough. It makes it feel like you want to put the book down, (Dont worry, I have the same problem in my story.)
You seem to do pretty well with spelling and editing.
Your writing style lacks a little bit. I think it moves a bit too fast. I say you should describe a little bit more in the first chapter, and maybe not SO much dialouge.

Overall, great first chapter!

P.I

Thomas C."Sow a thought, reap an action;Sow an action, reap a habit.Sow a habit, reap a character.Sow a character, reap a destiny"

Don't worry; Chapter Two has more action Here's what I've got written for it so far:
CHAPTER TWO: THE JOURNEY BEGINS
Richard's opponent dodged a swing of Richard's faded chrome claymore. Richard dodged the enemy's attack, and struck back. This time, his sword ran the figure through.
"Sir!"
Richard turned. There was Skrza in the door.
"We're leaving now, Sir."
Richard sighed. He didn't really want to leave the Lions territory, or Knight's Kingdom as it was known, for it's large numbers of knights and relatively few regular soldiers. He pulled his sword from the training dummy he had been 'sparring' with. Richard needed to stay in shape, because things hadn't been going too well in Karbaddon. Viking and Pirate raids had increased because none of the other factions had very many ships. Oddly colored people from another land had invaded and stolen land from the Forestmen, Fright Knights, Black Falcons, and Imperial Knights, setting up the 'Morcian Empire'. An strange man with one red eye named 'Ogel' had enslaved the Skeleton faction and now used them to fight the Imperial Knights. A seperatist faction of Forestmen calling themselves 'Dark Forest' had emerged.. The Dragon Masters were threatening to attack the Lions, although no one really knew why.
Out by the gate, Storm, John, Skrza, and Halfdan were waiting for Richard. Halfdan had chosen, as his weapon, a large warhammer which he held effortlessly in one hand. Over the past week, he had proved his skill as a warrior by snapping a sapling in half with one swing of the hammer and smashing a sturdy barrel with a downward sweep. King Leo rode up on his horse.
"Milord!" said Skrza, startled, "I didn't know you were coming!"
Leo chuckled. "I'm not. I'm embarking on my own journey, though not as long as yours. The Earl of Wells has invited me down to visit for the weekend. Farewell!" The King of the Lions galloped off.
After a few days of travel, they crossed the border into Royal Knights territory. Royal Knights were a rather anti-social bunch. A while later they entered the town of Raigston. The company dismounted and shooed the horses back in the general direction of the Lions Capital. Wearing cloaks and hoods, they made their way to the town square.
Large gallows were set up and a crowd was gathered. A man in a funny red suit was standing on the platform, speaking to the crowd. Behind him were four men, with strange silver eyes and rusted mail. Storm gasped. The men were Bull Knights.
Weezil Feretauro, Gilbert Krakys, Julian 'Julian Joust' Benton, and Paul Cullis were to be hung.
"These BLASPHEMERS," cried the red suited man, who the group now recognized as a member of the Royal Inquisition, "Have hunted in our Holy Forests!" Royal Knights could be a pretty religious bunch, although not as much as the Crusaders. "As such, they must repent... or DIE!!!" The crowd cheered.
Weezil struggled with the rope around his neck. "We didn't know it was a bloody sacred place!" he shouted.
"Ha! We'll soon change your mind about that!" the Inquisitor said in a diabolical voice.
Skrza shook his head, muttering, "Mad, the lot of them."
"None too smart, either," Storm muttered, "they left the Bull's weapons lying on that cart." The princess sidled over and began loading a bolt onto Weezil's crossbow. Skrza and Richard, hands on the hilts of there swords, slowly moved forward through th crowd. Storm, with her usual stealth, jumped up on the cart with a battlecry and fired the bolt. She had exceptionally good aim; the bolt sliced through Paul's rope, and the Bull Knight ran off, flashing Richard and Skrza a grin as he went. The two Lions now leapt onto the platform. Skrza hit the Inquisitor with his shield, knocking him back, while Richard cut the ropes from Julian, Weezil, and Gilbert. Storm, meanwhile, was firing crossbow bolts at the fanatic peasants who now swarmed around the cart. Julian leapt from the platform onto a peasant's horse and galloped away.
"Many thanks, my friends!" he yelled back. One of the peasants threw a pitchfork; it hit Julian square in the back, impaling him.

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins

Interesting. you seem to be devoping a good storyline. It is a different approch in that you do not tell so much the scenery, but you tell more of what Richard is feeling. I dont think this was action, but really, action does not matter very much. It's the writing style. You seem to be doing that well.

P.I

Thomas C."Sow a thought, reap an action;Sow an action, reap a habit.Sow a habit, reap a character.Sow a character, reap a destiny"

I'm glad you like it. Here's the rest of Chapter Two and all of Chapter Three:
"WEEZIL!" Storm roared, "CATCH!" She tossed his crossbow to him, then pulled out her own weapons and leapt down to hack the peasants into tiny pieces. Halfdan grabbed a passing peasant, hauling the serf's cowl over his face and shoving him into the crowd. The Viking then to pulled out his hammer and beat back the some of the peasants.
Weezil had fought his way over to the cart by bashing his crossbow against the people's heads. He grabbed Gilbert's sword and tossed it to his one-eyed comrade. Grabbing both their sheilds, he crashed his way back through the milling citizens.
"Time to go!" Richard shouted above the din as he put his well-honed skills to use.
"Agreed," Skrza said. He could hear hooves approaching.
Twenty Royal Knights on horseback came galloping up the street the company had first come. One horse tripped over Julian's body, sending the rider sprawling into the dust and gravel of the medieval road. One knight had a bow and arrow; he sent an arrow whistling past Storm's ear, breaking up her battle frenzy. She quickly joined Weezil, Skrza and the rest as they charged through the town of Raigston.
CHAPTER THREE: THE MEETING
Meanwhile, King Leo and several knights rode on to the home of the Earl of Wells. Wells was a small Lions village where, for some reason, all the inhabitants wore glasses and cloaks.
When he reached the town, he was surprised by what he saw: Robin of Loxli, chieftan of the Forestmen, and a score of Forestman archers, conversing with Lord Cedric the Bull. Like most of his people, Cedric had silver eyes and black hair. Robin was a slim, sinewy figure in green clothes; he wore only a grey cape to denote his status.
"Hail Robin of Loxli!" Leo cried. The Forestman looked up from his conversation with Cedric, and his face broke out into a broud grin.
"Hail King Leo! Come, join us!" he cried.
Leo rode to the duo and dismounted. "So, good people, what brings you to Wells?" he asked.
Robin and Cedric gave each other odd looks. "You invited us," Cedric answered.
"What?! I did no such thing!"
"But then... Why are you here?" Robin asked, now thuroughly confused.
"The Earl invited me down for the weekend."
"My dear Leo," Robin said quietly, "The Earl was hung in Talonjay two weeks ago."
Leo was now completely baffled and flustered. "But-but- he sent a letter! He asked if I wanted to go hunting-and-and-"
The blaring of a whalebone hoen signalled the arrival of one whom the three lords had expected even less than each other: Vikings.
About fifteen, actually, lead by the Viking ruler, Jarl Wavehammer. The Vikings were on foot; they walked over and joined Leo, Robin and Cedric.
"Ah, King Leo, I presume!" the Jarl said, merrily slapping Leo on the back and nearly knocking out the King's dentures, "Ve vere not expecting to see you here!"
"What in Grimm's name are you doing here?" Cedric shouted. Wavehammer was unable to answer because just then King Orville of Classic Legoland arrived.
Over then next hour or so, the rulers (and their escorts) of all the factions came; Majisto of the Dragon Masters; Emporer Matthias of the Morcian Empire and his Governers, Baron Danju of Alendan, Baron Janzay of Talonjay, Baron Mordock of Orkosan, and Baron Norman of Banteras; King Elferic of the Royal Knights; Sensai Dojey of the Ninjas; Emporer Ziamo and Shogun Mizamu of the Samurai; Basil Batlord of the Fright Knights; Boss Rhenyun of the Wolfpack; Lord Vladek of the Shadow Knights; Captain Click of the Skeletons; King James of the Imperial Knights; Baron von Rosko of the Black Falcons; King Johan of the Black Knights; and Lord Arrigan of the Crusaders. Things went downhill as soon as the Morcian company came into view, as Robin set his archers firing at them and they returned fire with horse-mounted catapults.
The men of the escorts, about one hundred and fifty in all, mostly chatted and mingled happily. There were a few exceptions; The Imperial Knights avoided the Skeletons, and the Morcians shunned the Shadow Knights. The rulers, on the other hand, argued incessantly, as apparently none of them had expected to find anyone else. Leo did not like having so many armed men from other factions in his territory, not to mention he was none too pleased the Matthias and Janzay for hanging his Earl. Basil and Majisto were nearly at each other's throats. James had once referred to the Classic Legoland as 'obsolete and past it's time' and was accordingly dueling Orville.
"STOP!"
The squabbling lords turned to the source of the noise, an old beared man with a pointy hat and twinkly eyes.
"That's better," the old man said, "now, on to buisness." He hardly looked as though the angry roar that had silenced the most powerful men in Karbaddon could have issued from his mouth.
Elferic drew his sword and charged the old man. "You!" he shouted, "you dragged me all the way from Gulltopon to this hellhole kingdom, you unholy-"
Basil tripped the Royal Knight King. "Yah, leave the wizard alone, he means no harm."
"Besides," Captain Click said, "You could use the excercise."
A few of the kings chuckled at the jest, but the wizard cut them off. "Now, for those of you who don't know, my name is Menlo, and I am, as you've all gathered by now, a wizard. I brought you all here- by any means necessary- to discuss the current happenings of the realm."
"Such as these colorblind maniacs slaughtering my people?" Vladek snarled, glaring daggers at Matthias and his Governers, "Like those ten thousand at Ankoria? Or your 'defense' of the Mistlands Tower? Which, I might add, was on Shadow Knight lands."
"Ten thousand?" asked the young Baron Norman; he had had no idea the losses were so high.
"The only good thing about the battles is that now there are less of you crayon people around," von Rosko added angrily, as Talonjay province was once his Black Falcon territory.
"Now, there's no need to argue," Menlo said simply. "We must discuss a recent attack on the Viking ship Jormungand." There was general applause, and Jarl Wavehammer scowled.
"This attack has more weight than you know," Menlo said disapprovingly. "I have spoken with a survivor of the attack. He tells me that the attack took place exactly two weeks ago and that the ship was traveling north at 15 plates per hour. Jarl, can you tell me when, if they continued at that speed and direction, they would arrive at the Lions Northern Territory?" He sounded very much like a schoolteacher.
Wavehammer thought for minute or so. "Last Friday," he concluded. The Vikings were very good navigators.
"Precisely," said Menlo. "Now, Basil, Majisto, you have the closest territories to the North Lion Territory. Have you heard anything about an army of Orcs and Skeletons?"
"Can't say that I have," Basil confessed.
"Me neither, "added Majisto.
"Skeletons, eh?" Rhenyun said, drawing a cutlass and turning on Captain Click, who looked extremely unimpressed, as he was already dead.
"I assure you, I had nothing to do with this. If you have a problem, take it up with King Ogel," Click hissed bitterly.
"One o' me soldiers saw Orcs on the docks at Hewlong, I thenk. He mentioned it in a report," James said.
"Excellent, is he here?" Menlo asked.
"Aye, he's here. Harlang!"
A very short figure emerged from the ranks of the Imperial Knights escort.
"Halfling," Johan muttered to Leo.
"Tell us about them Orcs ye saw down at Hewlong, lad," James said.
"Oh, sure thing, Milord! Lessee now, they were jus' buyin' supplies; I asked 'em their buisness- that bein' me duty an all- They said that they was making a journey to the Northeast- I suppose that much was true- and that I should leave 'em alone, see, cause they twernt bothering no one. I didn't want to get 'em upset, so I left 'em." Harlang took in a deep breath as soon as he finished.
James chuckled. "Harlang's got lungs like bellows."
Suddenly, Click's face went even more blank then usual, as though he had had a sudden insight.
"Survivors..." he said, "No enemy escapes a Skeleton, and Menlo mentioned Skeletons in the army... That means that whoever attacked the Jormungand told the Skeletons to lay off... They wanted reports to get out... so that the best warriors would go north..."
"Leaving the Lions Capitol open to attack!" Leo finished a feeling of dawning horror. He leapt on his horse, shouting, "To the Capitol! Lions to arms! TO ARMS!!!"
Leo tore off, the wind in his ears obscuring the other ruler's shouts to organize their men to help.

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins

Finally, I'm back.
Unfortunately, I don't have another chapter ready. The story's future is uncertain at this point. Our computer crashed and we lost most things on it- and all my WordPad files. I could copy and paste the story from here, but my intrests change all the time- Star Wars, Bionicle, Harry Potter, LOTR, Pirates, Lego Island, ect. etc. so I'm not sure it would get finished anyway. However, I've done up a little list of the factions in my story, and descriptions of each one (including a brand new faction I made up- The Ar). I hope you like it.
Peoples of Karbaddon
CLASSIC LEGOLAND
The oldest faction in Karbaddon, the Classic LEGOLanders are currently led by King Orville the Smiley. They try to keep to themselves most of the time, but dislike the Imperial Knights, who believe them to past their time.

BLACK FALCONS
The Black Falcons are a powerful faction with a strong army. Their leader is Baron von Rosko. The Creator of The Realm, Sir Geo, often uses the form of a Black Falcon soldier. The Morcian Empire stole on of their provinces and renamed in Talonjay.

CRUSADERS
The Crusaders are unique in two ways: they are a religion rather than a nation and they have no homeland. They believe that their religion's place of origin was lost many ages ago, and search tirelessly for it under Lord Arrigan. There have been sightings of not only Human Crusaders, but also Halflings, Goblins, Dwarves, Skeletons, and even Orcs. There are two divisions: Crostax (Crossed Axe) Crusaders operate in the east of Karbaddon, while the Leocress (Lion Crest) operate in the west.

FORESTMEN
The Forestmen and their ruler, Robin of Loxli, believe in the value of Nature. They live in the vast forests of their territories (one of which was conquered by the Morcian Empire and became Banteras). They have a strong military based on hit-and-run archery.

DARK FOREST
A seperatist band of Forestmen bent on war with the other factions. Their leader is a mysterious figure called "The Boss".

DRAGON MASTERS
The Dragon Masters are ferocious warriors and one of the few factions to have domesticated dragons, although they do it best. Under the rule of the wizard Majisto, they have one many battles, although for some unknown reason, they are threatening the Lions.

FRIGHT KNIGHTS
The Fright Knights have a knack for scare tactics, and this has given them a bad rap. They garnered some sypathy, however, when the Morcian Empire conqered one of their territories and called it Orkosan. They are lead by a Batlord. The current Batlord is Basil Batlord, and his son Dashtar is expected to be the next.

LIONS
The Lions, under the wise rule of King Leo and Queen Leonora, are ready for peace after a long, tedious war with the Bulls. They are a very artistic people, and many become sculptors or painters. They are also known as the Knight's Kingdom because the number of knights almost outweighs the number of regular soldiers.

BULLS
The Bulls are known for their expertise in the field of siege weapons and their strange silver eyes. Once a band of outlaws led by Cedric the Bull, they have now become a great faction of their own, still lead by Cedric.

MORCIA
The Morcian Empire, led by King Matthias and derogatively known as 'Jellybeans', 'Rainbow Knights', 'Crayon People', 'Color-Blind Maniacs', etc. are a people from across the sea who came and stole land from the Black Falcons, Forestmen, Imperial Knights, and Fright Knights, then engaged in a devastating war with the Vladek the Scorpion that resulted in the deaths of thousands of Shadow Knights. The Empire consists of four color coded provinces, as follows.
Talonjay- Led by Baron Janzay. Their color is blue.
Banteras- Led by Baron Norman. Their color is green.
Orkosan- Led by Baron Mordock. Their color is red.
Alendan- Led by Baron Danju. Their color is purple.

SHADOW KNIGHTS
The Shadow Knights are a dark and mysterious people, completely devoted to their King Vladek the Scorpion. They were devastated by the war with Morcia, particularly at the Battle of Ankoria, where the SK's losses numbered in the thousands.

NINJAS
The Ninjas greatest strength lies in their speed and stealth. They are some of the best warriors in Karbaddon. Every Ninja citizen learns martial arts under the Ninja leader, Sensai Dojey. They are seen as pesky bandits by their enemies, the Samurai.

SAMURAI
The Samurai are an honorable people, not given to sneaking about, and so they dislike the Ninjas (who have a different idea of honor) Led by Emporer Ziamo and Shogun Mizamu, they do their best to resist outside influences on their culture.

ROYAL KNIGHTS
Under the fanatical leadership of King Elferic, the deeply religious Royal Knights are merciless in their faith- for example, anyone caught hunting in 'sacred forests' are hung even if they did not no that the forest was sacred, or even that they were in Royal Knight lands. They are not terribly popular among the other factions, particularly those who use magic.

IMPERIAL KNIGHTS
The Imperial Knights are a recently formed faction from the Far North who settled on an Island which the share with the Black Knights. Many Halflings work in their villages and army. They are struggling through a war with the enslaved Skeletons.

SKELETONS
The Skeletons are the returned bones of those who died on the Island of Skullion. Their leader is given the title Captain, as in Captain Click, who has led them for the past two hundred years. Recently, however, an evil wizard named Ogel has enslaved the Skeletons and uses them as a slave army against the Imperial Knights. Ogel allows Click to handle day-to-day affairs, but the true ruler has no real power.

WOLFPACK
The Wolfpack are looked down upon by other factoins as lawless rabble, and in many ways, they are. Bandits run wild and their ruler Boss Rhenyun does little to stop them. The truth is, they are a poor faction, so many are forced to turn to a life of crime to support their families. The problem is that they have few maps, so many are hung by other factions for accidentally robbing people ouitside Wolfpack land.

BLACK KNIGHTS
Little is known of the reclusive Black Knights and their ruler King Johan. They live on the Southern half of the island also inhabited by the Imperial Knights.

VIKINGS
The Vikings are pillagers and pirates of the Northern Seas, although they hold a territory in the south of Karbaddon as well. Led by Jarl Wavehammer, they use their naval expertise to rob the other factions blind. Recently Ogel the wizard sent a small army of dragons to squash them, but the Vikings managed to fight them off. Some believe that the Imperial Knights were once Vikings.

AR
The Ar are tree-like beings and the rarest sentient species in Karbaddon. They get their name from the fact that they are unconcerned by their own origins; when asked what they are, it is not uncommon to get the response "We simply are, and that is all anyone needs to know". Most are around twenty feet tall. They live in clans named for parts of a tree, for example, Branch Clan, Leaf Clan, Root Clan, Bark Clan, Stem Clan, etc. and Ar names end with the type of tree part their clan is named for (Oakroot, Birchbranch, Alderbark, Applestem, Spruceleaf etc.)

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins

I really like these factions; you certainly have a talent for creating interesting groups (which, incidentally, are very similar to my own ideas about the factions). Glad to see that you're back, by the way.

CHAPTER 4: THE BATTLE OF ANGSTROM
Clang! Clang! Clang! It was a noise beloved by most Dwarves, the clanging of a hammer on an anvil, a pickaxe on stone, an axe on a foe's armour. But this was different. Eyvind Gatesmasher knew this. All of the Dwarves of his village, Dwarvashor, knew this. This was a battering ram, and the sound came from the nearby Viking village Angstrom, where Viking raiders set sail to raid the lawless islands to the southwest. The Dwarves knew that if Angstrom fell, Dwarvashor would not be far behind.
The Dwarves were going to war. Dwarf men strapped on their armour, grabbed their axes, and kissed their homely wives and tiny children goodbye. They knew they might not come back. The Dwarves knew what awaited them; Orcs, Trolls, Spidercrabs, Skeletons, Wingless Dragons from the far south. But they were ready to sacrifice themselves.
Eyvind was not an old Dwarf, really, but older than many of his companions. He looked at the eagerness on the young Dwarve's faces. Young and brash. Some were no more than lads of 130. Altogether, around 200 Dwarves awaited the command of their leader, Dwarl Glumr Highmight. The Dwarl paced before them, in full magnificent armour. He raised his axe. A bloodcurdling scream ripped from his mouth.
"EEEEEYYYARRRR!"
The Dwarves echoed the cry and charged from the cave. Eyvind thought about how he might never again see those he loved; His wife, Hunn; his daughter, Heidi Seigebreaker; his father Hogni, who, at 900, was to old to fight. Heidi will look after them, he assured himself, she's a warrior. He looked around; the Dwarves waved a vicious array of axes, hammers, pickaxes, crossbows, and powderwands- iron tubes which used black powder to fire explosive balls of lead.
They crested the hill overlooking Angstrom. The village burned. The battering ram was hammering down the gates of the Angstrom Hillfort, where those not slain had fled to. Once again, the Dwarl raised his axe. It fell. The Dwarves roared out battlecries once again and charged. Eyvind, as he ran, looked at the Orcs. He had never seen an Orc, but he knew what these were. Those across the seas called the Warfang, or Norvegan. They were Mega-Bloks. The very word was a strong curse in not only Dwarvish, but also Elvish, Arish, and the tongues of Men.
They took the enemy by surprise, hacking into the side of their tight formations, firing bullets and bolts on them from above. Eyvind saw one of his friends go down under a pile of unhappy looking Skeletons, all apologising profusely. Then the battlerage that took many Dwarves and Vikings in battle took him, felling enemies left and right with no regard for personal safety.
Up on the wall of Angstrom Hillfort, a sentry called out, "De Dwarves are here!" Heartened by the news, the Vikings cheered, charging out of the fort, confident that the enemy could be driven out- or destroyed.
A Skeleton was skirting away from the battle, creeping away along the edge of the village. Why was Ogel sending them here? Why couldn't they just spend the Afterlife in peace? It was so cold here- cold enough to chill the bones. While just an expression to the living, it was much more serious if bones were all you had. An angry yell sounded behind him. The Skeleton whirled just in time to see Eyvind Gatesmasher's axe swing down. Then, darkness.
For the Vikings and Dwarves, the battle was going well. The Orcs and their bizarre allies were driven back to their ships, cursing in Blokish. The battering ram- and those carrying it- were completely annihilated when oil and torches were dropped from the walls on them. As the enemy ships sailed away, a raucous celebration began.
But the invasion had begun.

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins

And here's Chapter Five!
CHAPTER FIVE: BACK TO THE MAIN CHARACTERS
It had been two days since the skirmish at Raigston. Richard had driven the group unmercifully to get as far from the town as possible. Finally, he allowed them to sit down and rest their weary feet.
The experienced knight looked around. They were in a forest, still in the Royal Knight's territory. A small stream ran through the clearing they were in. "We can't rest long, friends," he said, "That Inquisitor will have search parties out for us."
Gilbert chuckled. "That weren't just an Inquisitor, Richard. That was Grand Cardinal Tamualez 'imself! Skrza, I envy you. You're the first knight ever to whack a major religious leader with a shield."
"That's pretty good," said Skrza, grinning, "considering I'm not a knight."
Gilbert looked at Weezil, puzzled. "That's odd, a Lion Soldier who ain't knighted. You ever 'eard of such a thing, Weezil?" Weezil shrugged. Gilbert looked back at Skrza. "Then wot are you?"
"I'm a Classic LEGOLander. King Orville sent me to work for King Leo, as a sign of good will."
"Huh." said Gilbert, before taking a long gulping drink from the river.
"AHA!"
The group whirled around, except for Gilbert, who fell into the stream. A man in a funny red suit stood there, although his suit was not as fancy as that of Grand Cardinal Tamualez. Behind him where twenty Royal Knights on horseback.
"So," said the Inquisitor, "drinking from the Sacred River, eh?"
"Oh, for Odin's sake..." muttered Halfdan.
"Repent, and you will be hung!" the Inqusitor was saying, "Defy us, and you will be hung slowly!"
"That's a tough choice," Storm snarled, drawing her weapons.
"CHARGE!" The Inquisitor roared. The Royal Knights galloped toward the six companions.
Although the companions fought fiercely, they were outnumbered four to one, and soon they were surrounded, staring down eighteen lances (as two of the knights had been killed in the battle).
"Now, then!" the Inquisitor called from behind the knights, "You have no escape. Will you convert before you die?"
"I have a feeling they won't, actually." said a voice.
All present whirled around to see a large party standing at the edge of the clearing, headed by an old man with twinkly eyes and a pointy hat.
"You!" cried the Inquisitor, holding up a small metal religious symbol, "Come no closer, demon, this symbol will protect me!"
The old man crossed the clearing, grabbed the symbol, and threw it into the stream, then smirked at the Inquisitor's look of horror. "There now. Men-" he waved to the rest of his motley crew, "-come over and menace those knights, would you?" Soon the knights were dismounted and surrounded. Richard looked at the gang of newcomers. There was a very small man in Imperial Knight's armour, a Skeleton wearing a black bandanna on his head, a Forestman, Wolfpacker, Shadow Knight... there seemed to be men from most of the Factions. There were no Lions, Vikings, Bulls, Morcians, or Classic LEGOLanders, however.
"Right," said the old man, "Now that that's out of the way, down to buisness. I tricked all the human -or formerly human- kings into attending a meeting, and in the midst of it all, King Leo realized that the Lions Capital was under attack and ran off. I managed to snag a few men to come and help you, because really, there is nothing going on in the Northern Lions Territory. Now, you must go to the Western Wolfpack Territory. I can't tell you any more here, but once you get the Wolfpack lands, seek out Gwyto. Say that Menlo sent you, and she'll know what to do."
"Vy can't you tell us any more?" asked Halfdan. Menlo merely nodded toward the bound and gagged Inquisitor.
"How did you get here so quickly?" asked Skrza.
"Magic!" said Menlo fiercely, watching the Inquisitor cringe. "Now then, I've brought this lot for you because I think you'll need the traits every faction before this is over, whether it's the Forestman's archery or the Wolfpacker's disregard for the law. Or possibly the small size of a Halfling." He gestured toward the tiny Imperial Knight. With that, Menlo walked to the edge of the clearing, ducked behind a tree, there was a loud shroom and he was gone.
Richard stared after the strange old man. Then he turned back to the large band now at his command. "So, how about some introductions?"

Last edited by The_Fright_Knight on Thu Jan 03, 2008 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins

Interesting start. You do such a good job with detail about the action in the start, but then it falls of to all dialog at the end. It is easy for a reader to get lost in a maze of dialog. Every so often, stop and add detail so the reader can re-establish where they are and who is talking about what.

Even more description and imagery throughout the whole story would make this a lot better.

P.I

Thomas C."Sow a thought, reap an action;Sow an action, reap a habit.Sow a habit, reap a character.Sow a character, reap a destiny"

I love how you put Ogel, as ruler of the skeltons. You should have put that he traveled back in time and landed in skullion. using his skeleton agents that traveled with him they inflitrated the island and took power.

Great chapters! I especially like that bit about 'chilled to the bone' being even worse for skeletons. Speaking of which, does that black-bandana'd one have any association with the CCer Peppermint Pig (who used/uses that as a sigfig)?

Prince Imdol wrote:Interesting start. You do such a good job with detail about the action in the start, but then it falls of to all dialog at the end. It is easy for a reader to get lost in a maze of dialog. Every so often, stop and add detail so the reader can re-establish where they are and who is talking about what.

I agree; I used to have trouble with this myself, but I've gotten better. (By the way, I don't spend as much time refining my RP posts as I do my own [non-LEGO] stories, so my writing's actually much better than my RP stuff). Fright Knight, any chance you'll make a map?

smcginnis wrote:Speaking of which, does that black-bandana'd one have any association with the CCer Peppermint Pig (who used/uses that as a sigfig)?

~smcginnis

Not really, I just have one of the new Skeleton figures. I slapped a bandanna on his head and named him after a character from Soccer Mania (Skelly Bones!) And I did make a map, there's a link to it in my first post.

"Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!"
-Bilbo Baggins