Trader Joe’s: programmed for kid-friendly service

Like most human beings who never really got into The Smiths, I like it when the world at large is a nice, friendly place. But I’ve also developed what I think is a very healthy suspicion of people who are too nice to me.

The secret plot starts with balloons.

I blame this cynical outlook on the super-religious people at my college. I don’t know how it was at your institute of higher learning, but the ones at Cal Poly-San Luis Obispo were extremely good at recruiting. They would send the cutest girl to sort of casually stroll by when you were studying by yourself on the lawn, she would pick up on something like your Giants cap, and start chatting about the team’s starting pitching. And then, just when you were thinking, “finally, I’ve met a nice girl who likes me at this ratio-challenged school,” she would lay down the hammer.

“You know, Jesus is a lot like a Giants outfielder. Except instead of catching fly balls, he catches stray souls.”

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, because it sort of explains why I don’t completely trust the employees at Trader Joe’s. While I greatly admire and appreciate all of the balloons and free juice boxes they keep giving my kids, there’s something almost cult-like about their kid-friendliness.

I’m kidding, of course. Sort of. Trader Joe’s should be commended for their dedication to making families feel welcome. I’m just amazed that every single employee loves kids. (Even the workers at Chuck E. Cheese’s have about a 50 percent surliness rate.) Trader Joe’s employees have a supernatural Willy Wonka vibe. They seemingly know my own children better than I do — popping out of the end of the aisle and handing my kids a little cup of granola at the exact moment that they’re about to melt down.

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Add some dreads and a couple of piercings, and Willy Wonka would have made a good Trader Joe’s employee.

Believe me, I hella love Oaklandmore than the next guy, but it’s not exactly a great town for retail service. Maybe it’s because the public high schools struggle so much, but an extremely large percentage of the young adults working at our local fast food chains, video rental places and grocery stores have a very open contempt for their customers. Like you’re messing up their day by having the nerve to buy a Big Mac/rent “Punisher: War Zone”/ask for a quarter pound of sliced turkey.

As long as I’ve had kids, I have never witnessed any employee act even vaguely rude at a Trader Joe’s. They should get some kind of award for that. Or maybe the reward is that I continue to shop there, proven by the fact that half the time our home looks like the “Up” house, with half a dozen Trader Joe’s helium balloons floating around. Either way, consider them recipients of The Poop kid-friendliness business award. Even if I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Have you had a good or bad experience with your kids at Trader Joe’s? What other supermarkets get the kid-friendliness award?