DeSean Jackson? More Like DeSmall Johnson!…Am I Right?

I mean, I can tell you who has a small one… DeSean Jackson. Man, he’s built like an Asian.” – Elizabeth Ruiz, Instagram THOT

So earlier this week, Instagram thot Elizabeth Ruiz was on the radio show “Hollywood Unlocked”. If you’re thinking to yourself, that name Elizabeth Ruiz sounds familiar, it’s because she was in the news previously for having a sex tape with Broncos Von Miller. This girl has been pulverized by more NFL players than Wayne Chrebet on a slant route. She’s given more head than helmets. Seriously, she should get checked for CTE….or AIDs. So anyway, she is being asked about her sexual escapades, when this question comes up.

Jackson quickly fired back in an Instagram post on Tuesday, and Jackson’s current girlfriend, Kayla Phillips, also chimed in.

Naturally, we called our shit gatorade Ruiz was ashamed of her slutty ways, and went to express her regret the only way she knew how….a selfie. Her caption was textbook #whorelogic. You gotta love it. It hit all the major checkpoints. Daddy issues, never felt genuine love, and too prideful to show emotion. Oh boo hoo you dirty whore!

So now that you’re all caught up, let me say this.

Hahahahaha! Fuck you DeSmall Johnson! You showboating, hot dogging, gang affiliated, little asian ass dick having, little bitch! It makes too much sense. The running backwards, the front flips, dropping the ball before crossing the goal line, the reasoning behind his on field antics. That game winning, playoff clinching, Giants season ending punt return off Matt Dodge’s foot in 2010. It’s all just over compensation for his Asian pecker! The way Jackson carries himself on the field, I have no choice but to believe emotionally ravaged Elizabeth Ruiz.

All that being said, it is still an extremely fucked up move on Ruiz’s part. She puts DeSean Jackson in a no win situation. He can call her a liar, but we’re all just going to believe her because we want you to have a small dick. The only way to dispel these rumors would be to leak a dick pic. But that wouldn’t be the best PR move for his NFL career, and it would be awkward as hell to have to text Brian Orakpo and ask him to borrow a picture of his dick.