"I'm not going to put up with that sort of Philistine rhetoric, you dwarfish, topless, hairless, Godless little freak!" counters his rival, as he turns a hair from his "zombified" beard into a poison dart.

This, in my head, is the sort of exchange that you might expect in what might (or might not) be the greatest video game to be released in 2013.

This is a game you may never have thought you wanted, but once you hear about it, you know you'll never be able to live without it.

For the game is called You Don't Mess With Putin, and it means exactly what it says.

As the Hollywood Reporter fires it, this game will launch at the perfect moment. Yes, Halloween, when the zombies come out to play and demand you hand over all your candy.

It is the brainchild of Michele Rocco Smeets, a Belgian creator who says he was inspired by Call of Duty, Black Ops: Zombies.

This is disappointing. I had rather hoped he'd been inspired by the fact that Putin and Rasputin shared such similar names and charming qualities.

Smeets, his tongue no doubt firmly Superglued to his cheek, was quoted by Variety as saying: "Putin has this tough guy image and he's not afraid to get his hands dirty. He hunts, he rides, he shoots. A leader should be strong and, in my opinion, Putin is the only world leader who really fulfills this image."

This will, it's clear, not be a game that involves compromise, a recent addition to Putin's potent arsenal.

What is less clear is who will join Rasputin in the army of the living dead. Will Joseph Stalin, his mustache turned putrid after decades below the Earth, stagger along behind him?

Will Vladimir Lenin -- his bald head split open, but devious mind still intact -- also be in the vanguard of revenge?

You Don't Mess With Putin will be available for free on both iOS and Android.

It may well be destined to be the most downloaded game ever. I can just imagine all of Russia using this game to settle all its historical scores of the past century.