Spice up a long marriage for Valentine's Day

When people have been married for many decades, others like to ask what keeps the marriage going.

More often than not, you'll hear things like: "He makes me laugh" or "We fit together." Or one of my favorites: "It's better than the alternative."

How often do you hear a long-married couple say out loud, "Well, the sex is just the best."

But why not talk about it? My favorite line about long-lived passion was from a 60-year-old man who had been married to the same woman for more than 40 years. He said: "I never imagined I'd be begging a 60-year-old woman for sex."

As Valentine's Day looms, I can't help but have passion on my mind. As I've stated before in this column, after almost 30 years of marriage, Valentine's Day often is just another day to us. And that's just fine. Romance is a very personal thing and need not be prescribed as a date on the calendar or by the size of the card, chocolate or flower arrangement.

But passion is a habit, and it needs to be cultivated with care, just like all those beautiful Valentine's roses. In my case, we don't have a good "spice" track record. You could say we are the couple who couldn't shoot straight.

For example, there are some couples that spice things up with sexy lingerie. (And yes, men have sexy underwear too — in my husband's case, that would be underwear that isn't ripped and 15 years old). Every time my husband has bought me sexy lingerie, it has been totally uncomfortable, so I don't wear it. Rather than buy something that makes him all hot and bothered, I'd rather buy something that makes me look skinny and doesn't give me a "wedgy."

And don't get me started on edible sex aids. Years ago, I bought my husband chocolate and a paint brush as a Valentine's Day gift. Not realizing what the gift was intended for, he ate the chocolate straight from the jar. Then he bought an edible massage oil which was supposed to be super-sexy. Instead, I had a terrible allergic reaction to it. I had to take massive amounts of Benadryl to get the hives under control and ended up passed out in bed.

Even spice that doesn't require paraphernalia didn't work out for us. When I was traveling a lot, I asked him if he wanted to have phone sex. His response: "With you?"

Of course, given the upcoming holiday, there are all sorts of ways to spice up your love life. To get ready for V-day you can host a sex novelty party with your girlfriends at home instead of book club. (See this month's issue of Rochester Magazine to read Melissa Pheterson's recounting of the "pleasure party" she hosted.)

Or there's spicy entertainment. On Friday, Feb. 14, The Bug Jar will present The Valley of the Dolls, a group of women who are bringing burlesque to Rochester through their performance art. Of course, when I think of burlesque I think of the Broadway show Gypsy or Bette Midler. And that makes me sing, which is definitely a turn-off to my husband.

Despite all that, I think after 30 years we're doing something right. The real key to spice in a long-lived marriage is living by the adage "practice makes perfect." I hope, 30 years from now, we'll still be practicing.

Read more of Sherman's columns in Rochester Magazine — in print and on the iPad or Android tablets — and follow Suburban Outlaw on Facebook and Twitter.