Monday, January 10, 2011

DISCLAIMER: This is a horribly written post but I'm too bummed out to fix it.

Someone wrote a comment that I can't get out of my head:Anonymous said...

Your post was a massive downer. I think that the community you speak of (which I wasn't apart of, but have a vague idea of) had to disappear a little bit. If everyone was as obsessed with the same shit still...THAT would be depressing. Maybe blogging with people who are going down a different route might be good for you? I've read every post you've written, and I would like to discuss and talk with everyone...but I feel like me and my blog are not "disordered enough" for your "community" which even sounds ludicrous to me.(Hence the anonymous label).What I'm trying to say is that communities change, and maybe you should embrace a new group of people.

I feel awful that someone's read ever post I've written but doesn't feel comfortable to link their blog back. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I treasure every single reader I get and live for comments. I haven't started following people back because it's such a daunting task. When I first started, I just randomly followed a lot of different people because I didn't know any better.

I thought the only thing I was interested in was getting more people to read my blog and reading about things that would keep me motivated. Now I'm not interested in either. I just want to have a meaningful conversation with someone about something I can't talk about to anyone else. Anyone else. At all. And to think that the vibe someone gets from my blog is that they have to be some level of fucked up to be in dialogue is sad.

I don't want to be fucked up. I don't want people to have to relate to me just because they're fucked up too. In a perfect world, I wouldn't be mostly-anonymous and you would get to see the rest of my world. And the rest of the world would see this too. But if I was completely open to the people I know, I'd get labeled as crazy or attention-seeking. I'd hurt my already slim chances at getting a job and I'd alienate people who were my friends because now they no longer know me.

At the base level, I'm just happy for myself that I even started blogging again. I'm not ready to dedicate time to following more people and commenting, but I want to get there soon.

The last thing I want is for people here to think I'm an elitist because if someone who read my blog thought that then that must really be me. Nothing is more stripped down and raw than what you read here.

Right now blogger is the only thing I'm happy about in my life. Literally everything else around me seems to be going to shit. It's the reason I started blogging in the first place. Just be a little patient with me while I get sorted out, and please dear God send me your blog. Or blogs you like to read. Or etc.

This really had no meaning except to try and expel my worries about this comment from my head. It didn't help. I'm sorry Anonymous. And to everyone else, thanks for following me. I stalk all of you, but I'll try to be less creepy and more open about it.

"If someone who read my blog thought that then that must really be me." I would strongly beg to differ. I remember subscribing to you because I felt like we shared some of the same thoughts (i.e. The Chase, posted in September, and being a different version of the same self). I'm new to the blog world but I was involved in some small forums when I first discovered the online eating disorder world some years ago, and I still think about some of the girls I lost touch with, and wonder where they are today. I understand mourning the loss of what you had with your original community. I understand longing to have a connection over the things we can't share in ordinary society. Those things we share (despite the fact that, like Anonymous I suffer from Notfuckedupenough Complex) are the reasons I find your blog worth following. You're just being real; no need to apologize for it.

Don't know if I'm expressing myself very clearly but hopefully you get the gist...Tempest

Don't even THINK about that person. I disabled anonymous comments on my blog for similar reasons. People are always going to say things like that, as long as they don't have to put their "name" on it. For all you know, it was just someone talking crap who hadn't even read all of your posts. They don't deserve to have any say in what you do.

You aren't elitist! Some peeps just fear what they don't understand, and like Yoda says, fear leads to anger. Perhaps the quiet smoldering grudge sort of anger that leads a person to post anon comments that are hurtful.I sometimes think about forbidding anon comments too, esp after a certain incident. If my blog gets more popular, I just mightHa! The word verification is "truste".

I can't help but think that the very nature of ED blogs fosters a sense of exclusion. Meaning as much as someone wants to understand us, who reads our blogs and really WANTS to get us I think it's hard to relate on all levels.

Yes a non ed woman can probably relate to feeling fat but can they relate to the hoplessness of a binge and the horrible compensation that must occur afterwards? I find it difficult to believe they do.

~ Harlow

Also I always comment anon on non-ed blogs b/c I am fearful of being judged as a super fucked up person. so it can go both ways...

i like your bog.i read your blog everytime i see a new post in my blogreader

no no no no no ! and no. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. (I'm also pathetically honored that my post showed up on YOUR blog) the gay thing about me choosing to post anonymous was that now you might not think its me. anyway I'm already following you from my blog. (chasing secrets)I was just stating my opinion for you..because it seemed that you were sad because some of the old charm was gone from the blogging community, and I was trying to make you feel better by saying you should follow some different types of people. And I chose to follow you not because of your "disorderedness" but because you write beautifully and creatively..(and made me laugh out loud a lot) and now I feel all kinds of bad. I left the name of my blog this time because now you can go look at it and see that Im goofy and lame and don't warrant any stress on your part. Reading over my past posts I've realized that I have a pretty fucked up relationship with food anyway so I wasn't talking down to you or anyone here.One of the reasons I follow you is because I related to your words so much.Also I usually don't link my blog because frankly, it's just not that good.

Dear Savory,Over the past week I've read all your posts from the last years. I found your blog... guess what... googling for low cal tapas.

The reason I started to read all of it was that it was like you could be me in my darkest moments, and I just got so invested in your story I wanted to readreadread to see how you were doing.

I recognised so much of your thinking. In a way I am sorry to not have an ED because at least you got the satisfaction of losing the weight, and you could be proud of yourself. I just stayed fat and depressed and suicidal.

I am so happy that you are doing so much better now. That is something you should be really proud of. So many people can relate to you. Why isn't food just something to fill the tank with and move on? Why is it such a central part of our lives?

Anyway, when you were really into ana I was looking out for you but I wouldn't have commented because you and the community might've seen me as an outsider, as the weak person which I am. Somehow now that has changed and I am taking this opportunity to wish you all the best, and surely keep blogging, I got an RSS on your blog.

And if some day you would use your amazing writing skills to write a book, I would be the first one to buy it.

UM THIS IS FANTASTIC. dont you see??? i dont think chasingsecrets was accusng you of elitism, nor do i think you got that from what she said.

she expressed the desire to stay connected but a disconnect with girls at different stages of their eating disorders. pointed out very succintly that it IS a good thing that the community changes, that we often dont stay trapped in the same cycles at the same times. thats HEARTENING to know!!

I think part of the reason many of the girls who have trailed off over the years (oh god its been actually two years since i started my blog!) stopped posting was that they no longer felt 'qualified' to post, it seems somehoe more pathetic to have a blog about losing weight where you talk about healthy intentions and occasion breaks of normality and how you are still.the.same.weight.

"I don't want to be fucked up. I don't want people to have to relate to me just because they're fucked up too. In a perfect world, I wouldn't be mostly-anonymous and you would get to see the rest of my world. And the rest of the world would see this too. But if I was completely open to the people I know, I'd get labeled as crazy or attention-seeking. I'd hurt my already slim chances at getting a job and I'd alienate people who were my friends because now they no longer know me."

I can totally relate to this. I for one am glad that you are real and honest while you're blogging. I'm like that when I'm blogging and on PT and it is the only time that I can say what I think and the stuff that I feel and go through. It is a double-edged sword, because while I'm thankful to have a community of people that I can be real with, it means that it is only because they've been there and can relate to it. I slipped up and said something I would never say anywhere but on these sites in a group of "normal" people...it was so awkward...I couldn't believe I let it slip out. I'm usually better at pretending.

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