U of M Medical School to Offer Residency Program on Vomit Comet

ANN ARBOR – Med School President David Octor held a press conference yesterday at the new Taubman Health Sciences Library to announce that the University of Michigan’s Medical School will be offering a residence program on the Vomit Comet, the official name of the Bursley-Baits bus after midnight on the weekends.

“This program will help not only those students who ride on buses to north after partying, but also our new medical students, who will be given the chance to do real hands-on work in their local community, something that many students have told me they want an opportunity to do here at U of M,” Said the punnily-named president. “We have a real opportunity to do something worthwhile, and learn while we do it. I’m just as excited as these students are.”

When asked how he felt about the new program, first-year med student John Heathcliff said that he would “love the opportunity to get a chance to be a real force for good in the U of M community. It would be so nice to be able to give back to the university that will let me make a six-figure starting salary. I’m super pumped.”

Drivers of the Blue Buses are also excited for the change. Head of the Blue Bus Workers (BBW for short) Sparky Anderson was glad to see changes being made. “With these med students on board, that means less room for drunk kids, which means less drunk kids on the bus. And less drunk kids is good drunk kids. I’d say we’re just as excited as the med students are. Everybody’s job is getting a little easier and a little safer. Can’t argue with that at all.”

We also got a chance to interview some riders of the vomit comet this weekend to get a look from the streets of what people think about the program. “I think it’s, like, kind of cool that we won’t like, die or anything but I still don’t know,” said freshman frat-star hopeful Tommy Biggums. “What if they’re narcs or something, huh? I don’t want to get MiP’d dude. Oh fuck, what if you’re a narc?” Tommy then stood up and announced to the whole bus that we were narcs. No further interview requests were accepted, but the riders on the bus seemed hopeful that one day, some med student out to change the world might make their lives a little safer.