Friday, June 26, 2009

feeling grateful

Every time I write the word "grateful" I have to pause - and not for any deep meaningful reason, but because I can never remember which one is the Greatful Dead spelling (it's that one, hehe) and which is the correct spelling. So I always end up thinking about the Greatful Dead. Which makes me think about high school. And, in particular, a kid I used to know who was a huge deadhead. And then I always remember this one day, riding kind of aimlessly with a bunch of friends in his car, listening to these bootleg Dead tapes (yes, cassette tapes).

According to weather.com, this is the 19th day of rain this month. What means we've had 7 dry days in June. And 3 of those days were overcast. That means there have been a total of 4 sunny, rain-free days. No wonder I've been feeling groggy and sleepy and generally undewhelmed. But today, as I sit here, the sun is peeking out, and I'm feeling deeply deeply grateful for my life.

This may sound ridiculous, but to be honest, I'm not really bothered if it does. All the celebrity death in the past 2 days (Farrah and MJ in one day?!? As a friend of mine said, it looks like God was greedy for celebrities yesterday) has got me thinking. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I started to feel panicky. It was weird enough to think that Michael Jackson was dead. But the fact that at any moment, someone I actually LOVE could be gone, just became so large and terrifying. I felt paralyzed by it. It is so easy to feel distant from the reality of death, especially when you're young and healthy and lucky enough to have had limited exposure to it. It's hard to know how to function with a hightened awareness of death. But for some reason, this afternoon, I'm feeling a sort of equilibrium settling in. A comfort with the unpredictable nature of our time on the planet. There's almost a sense of freedom that comes with this perspective: things that would normally bug me, or make me feel self-conscious and anxious, I'm able to let roll off me. I'm released from giving a crap about things that don't really matter. And I have SO much to be thankful for. Trite but true. I have an amazing life, and I can honestly say that I have no regrets at this point. If something were to happen to me (a pretty way of saying "if I die tomorrow"), I would have no last minute pang of "crap!! why the hell did i spend my days working at Job X?!?!" or whatever. And that's a pretty amazing feeling.

What a rambly post this is. Unrelated to all things art and wedding. Ha ha. Hey, I'm alive, and healthy, and happy, and I'm free to write whatever I like, and really, that is just so damn cool I could spit.