Our journey to becoming parents through IVF has ended without the result we wanted. This blog is a journal of our fertility treatment, the highs and lows, the science and the emotion.

03 May 2012

Gutted

Having exhausted my patience, I rang the clinic back a few minutes ago to chase up the blood test result. Unfortunately it was negative. I am gutted. My hopes were so high. We have a follow-up appointment later this month at which we will discuss whether we try again. Of course I want to try again - but it is beginning to seem very pointless.

The conversation itself was quite confusing. I began by introducing myself and asked whether my blood test results had arrived yet. The nurse said that they hadn't heard anything. She went on to explain that perhaps the courier had left the medical centre late or there had been some other hold-up, and also that that the testing laboratory had looked everywhere and hadn't been able to find anything either. While talking, she was looking up my file on the computer. Suddenly she said that a fax had arrived and - "Oh, I'm so sorry". "What? It's a negative result?" I asked. She confirmed and said, "After all that waiting!" We briefly discussed the follow-up appointment and then I ended the conversation as soon as I could.

I am very good at transferring my feelings about this process onto other people or situations. Therefore, I feel crap about the result, which has been transferred to how I feel about the conversation with the nurse and how I have or have not been treated by the clinic. It's a ton easier to be angry at someone or something than angry at the seemingly random results of biological selection. But I wish that the clinic had appreciated that we were waiting to hear about the results, I wish they had called me back yesterday to bring me up to date on whatever they knew at that stage, I wish the nurse had waited to find out the facts before babbling on about what might have happened, and I wish the damn test had been positive. No one ever said this process wasn't going to be emotionally challenging.

So I had a good cry and then I rang D. He, too, is very disappointed. But we will try again. We will try harder than ever (if that's possible), and if all goes well we'll be fourth time lucky and I won't have to change the title of this blog!