Dr. Jackson: I mean, it's just the most unbelievable, incredible thing I've ever experienced! I mean, I've cross-referenced the symbols on the armband against every written language on Earth in an hour!

Anise: What did you find?

Dr. Jackson: Well, nothing… but, you see, the point is… I can read really fast!

Waitress: What can I get you?

Col. O'Neill: Uh, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and a baked potato.

Waitress: You got it! [She starts to walk off.]

Col. O'Neill: Excuse me… that was for me!

[The waitress looks skeptical]

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm going to have three as well.

Col. O'Neill: Four?

Dr. Jackson: Four… Four is good.

Maj. Carter: Me too, and french fries with mine… oh and a diet soda!

[O'Neill and Jackson look at her questionigly]

Maj. Carter: [defensively] I like the taste better!

[SG-1 are at a local steakhouse, despite having been ordered to stay on base]

Maj. Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?

Dr. Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.

Maj. Carter: Yes, but that was to save Earth.

Col. O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Col. O'Neill: Well, this is a cliché.

Gen. Hammond: I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.

[O'Neill and Teal'c are wrestling with an alien archaeologist near a control system for an ancient device which he has activated. There is a blinding flash, and we suddenly cut to a shot of O'Neill in the mess hall, holding a spoonful of froot loops. He looks astonished. Slight pause, then cut to a shot of Jackson. He is gesticulating with a fork that has a piece of waffle on the end of it]

Dr. Jackson: ...Anyway, that's just how I feel about it. [pause] What do you think? [he looks expectantly at O'Neill]

Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; I'm talking about this day.

Teal'c: Col. O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.

Dr. Jackson: Since when?

Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.

Maj. Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.

Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. [points at Dr. Jackson] No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.

Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.

[pause]

Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example. Look, you'll all believe me when SG-12 comes through that gate in [he looks at his watch, ticking off seconds] four...three...two...

[he silently ticks off the final second, and when he reaches zero, he makes a flourishing gesture toward the gate room. Cut to a shot of Carter, looking confused, then to a shot of the unactivated gate, then back to O'Neill. He frowns and begins to tap his watch doubtfully]

Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.

[Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]

Col. O'Neill: Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. [from this point on, he becomes increasingly agitated] Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal... [by now, O'Neill is ranting. He holds up his plate, which now has a crazed mustard-and-ketchup smiley face on it] WACKO!

Col. O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.

Teal'c: You are not the only one who must experience some discomfort, O'Neill.

[The loop resets to the beginning. Cut to corridor, we see Teal'c get slammed in the face by a door being opened.]

Man: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.

Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions.

Man: I -- I -- what?

Teal'c: Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.

[In a later loop.]

Man: I'm sorry, sir, I ... whoa!

[Teal'c slams the door on the man and walks away with a smirk.]

Dr. Jackson: So, how many loops have you-have we-been through?

O'Neill: Uhhh...I've lost track.

Dr. Jackson: Wow, that's gotta be frustrating...

O'Neill: [as though Daniel has just stated the very obvious] Uhh...yeah.

Dr. Jackson: Still, it seems like sort of an opportunity.

O'Neill: [In a mildly patronizing tone] ...How's that?

Dr. Jackson: Well, if you know everything's going to go back to the way it was, then you could do anything... [shot of realization dawning on Teal'c] ...for as long as you want... [shot of realization dawning on O'Neill] ...without having to worry about consequences.

[Shots of O'Neill and Teal'c looking at each other, as the full implications of what Daniel has said sink in]

O'Neill: ...Excuse me. [Gets up and leaves]

[Teal'c puts down the chalk he's been using to write on the blackboard, bows slightly at Daniel, and exits]

[A montage of Teal'c and O'Neill goofing off follows:]

[Shot of O'Neill trying to make a pot on a pottery wheel. He fails and looks at the collapsed pot with disappointment.]

[Shot of an officer in one of the corridors of the SGC. We hear a bicycle bell ring. The officer steps back quickly to reveal O'Neill riding a bicycle towards the camera.]

Col. O'Neill: [As he rides past] Hey, Vern. How's the wife?

Officer: [confused] Uh...fine, sir...

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are standing on a patch of astroturf in front of the activated Stargate in full golf clothing, holding drivers. Teal'c shoots a golf ball into the gate.]

[Chaka, a juvenile Unas, has captured an exhausted Dr. Jackson and is dragging him through the woods]

Dr. Jackson: Okay, I know it seems completely unlikely that you understand a word I'm saying but, uh, I've gone about as far as I can go at this particular pace, so, with your permission, I'm going to fall down now. [collapses]

Chaka: [glares]

Dr. Jackson: Rest! This is a thing you should, uh, become familiar with. Rest… It means, uh… "rest."

Chaka: [growls]

Dr. Jackson: That's close. Try again: "grrrrest."

Dr. Rothman: It's not my thing.

Col. O'Neill: What isn't?

Dr. Rothman: People. I mean, give me a million-year-old fossil and I'll tell you what it had for breakfast, but I'm not too good at people. They're too recent.

Dr. Jackson: This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me… and shoot you.

[Teal'c has handcuffed O'Neill, along with the rest of the rescue team, believing that one of them may be a Goa'uld.]

Col. O'Neill: Alright, anyone with a snake in their head, raise their hand. [One of the marines that they're with snaps his handcuffs apart (raising his hand) as his eyes glow]

Col. O'Neill: [after a pause] I was just about to...do...something important.

Martin Lloyd: Colonel, let's not play games. If it isn't true then why did you come here?

Col. O'Neill: The truth! There is a top-secret government program called project Stargate.

Martin Lloyd: I knew it!

Col. O'Neill: But it has nothing to do with space travel.

Martin Lloyd: What does it have to do with?

Col. O'Neill: [conspiratorially] Magnets!

Martin Lloyd: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Col. O'Neill: [dramatically] No…I've already said too much!

Martin Lloyd: So, you still don't believe me? I'm an Alien!

Col. O'Neill: You look pretty human to me.

Martin Lloyd: I can't explain it Colonel, I just have a gut feeling, like we have something in common.

Col. O'Neill: Well, that's very flattering, but I'm not an alien.

Dr. Jackson: Something tells me we don't need to worry about this guy.

Maj. Carter: Except for the fact he happens to be very close to the truth.

Dr. Jackson: Oh, Hello! Sam, you're gonna wanna…take a look this!

Maj. Carter: Whoa, that's quite a collection! Tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Looks like our friend here has been treated for a number of different psychiatric problems.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, why doesn't that surprise me?

Col. O'Neill: How do ya lose a spaceship?

Martin Lloyd: Well, my memory isn't so good. Sometimes, I get a little confused. I think it might be the medication.

Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, there ya go.

Martin Lloyd: You don't understand!

Col. O'Neill: I get that a lot.

[Daniel reading Martin's diary]

"April 12: Someone has gone through my garbage. Suspect CIA. Must take precautions. May 2: Comb missing. Suspect CIA has stolen it to acquire genetic identification. Uh…June 26: Comb found behind dresser. Disposed of it in case of tampering, bought new comb 39 cents at shopmart."

Martin Lloyd: Don't ya wanna know how I found you?

Col. O'Neill: Uh… OK!

Martin Lloyd: In your car, I noticed a map of the Sleep-Rite Motel Chain. I checked every one in town.

Col. O'Neill: There's two!

Martin Lloyd: I'm surprised a man in your position wouldn't take more precautions to maintain your cover.

Col. O'Neill: Marty I'm not undercover!

Martin Lloyd: You think I'm making this all up. Look at this.

[Martin shows O'Neill a broken toothpick, O'Neill takes it and looks at it]

Col. O'Neill: Yes… It all makes sense now.

Martin Lloyd: You think I'm so stupid, I go out my own front door?

Martin Lloyd: Can I come out now, Murray?

Dr. Jackson: But… it doesn't look like anyone's place of work, there's… no one here.

Maj. Carter: Except for the guys with guns!

Man: OK. Let's keep this simple! Who are you?

Maj. Carter: Who are you?

Man: We're the guys with the guns, which means you answer our questions!

[Carter and Jackson are being interrogated by 3 aliens who are attempting to live on Earth incognito. They show Carter and Jackson a thermal scan of Teal'c which clearly shows his symbiote]

Jack O'Neill: Woohoo! [Vidrine and Hammond look at him, stunned] Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

General Vidrine: In all seriousness, if that's all right with you, Colonel? How effective can a single fighter be against a potential fleet of Goa'uld warships?

Teal'c: That is what these tests endeavour to determine.

General Vidrine: Let's find out. What's next?

Jack O'Neill: I take second seat for an air-to-air live fire test.

General Hammond: Our SGC control room will serve as Mission Control, Sir.

General Vidrine: Light that candle, boys.

Jack O'Neill: Yes, Sir.

[Teal'c and O'Neill head back to the glider.]

Teal'c: Does General Vidrine wish to perform some sort of candle-burning ritual?

Jack O'Neill: Yes, that's it, exactly.

[Jack O'Neill and Teal'c are in the X-301. The glider has been taken over by an auto-pilot mechanism.]

Major Davis: [Over the radio]: Jack or Teal'c, please respond.

Jack O'Neill: Flight, Digger One. We read you. We have lost control of the craft to some sort of hidden recall device that apparently the scum-sucking, slimy, snake-ass Apophis installed in his death gliders. Over.

Col. O'Neill: Just so we're clear on this, sir, it's gonna be me, Teal'c and the great outdoors. That means no cellphones, fax machines, not another living soul for miles. We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.

Selmak: One enemy is easier to target than many. Our spies believe that Apophis has agreed to the meeting because he is willing to use such an alliance to topple the system lords. Afterwards, he will deal with Heru-Ur. If he succeeds...

Col. O'Neill: Galactic badness! Huge!

Col. O'Neill: Ah! Wait a minute! Just... stop, hold it. If you're about to say you're gonna explain along the way , I'm gonna lose it! I've just about had it with the way the Tok'ra do business. I wanna know EXACTLY what we're dealing with here. Every mission detail you've got right now, or we go nowhere!

Jacob Carter: [Smiling] I was gonna tell ya, Jack.

Col. O'Neill: [Quietly] Ok. Never mind.

Jacob Carter: Obviously, I'm gonna need Dr. Jackson, and there might be some complicated mathematical calculations to be done, Sam would be a big help, too. [Jack clears his throat] Of course, Colonel O'Neill is --- always fun to have around.

Col. O'Neill: You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that... Personally, I like things the way they are. No more saving the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog...(beat) There're a lot of pros and cons to consider...

Shifu: A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.

Col. O'Neill: If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the... whole ball of wax. Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?

Dr. Jackson: Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

Dr. Jackson: Something on your mind?

Col. O'Neill: Your behavior, as a matter of fact.

Dr. Jackson: What about it?

Col. O'Neill: Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?

Dr. Jackson: Actually, the Pentagon.

Shifu: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Dr. Jackson: Oma teach you that?

Shifu: Television.

Dr. Jackson: Glad I've been such a positive influence.

Shifu: Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious, Oma teaches the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle.

[Jack is coming to visit Samantha in the jail]

Maj. Carter: I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters.

Daniel: From what I've been able to translate so far with Loren's help, the Goa'uld used to use this place as some sort of, opium den. The only difference is their symbiotes must have kept the host's mind chemically balanced once they left.

Col. O'Neill: For the record Sir, I want to blow it to hell, these folks wanna chat with it.

Col. O'Neill: Any idea what that was?

Maj. Carter: None, Sir. The secondary systems are up and running but that was one hell of an EM spike. I'd like to run a full systems diagnostic on the main computer.

Dr. Fraiser: Yeah, after I treat this hand.

Maj. Carter: As soon as I get the systems up…

Dr. Fraiser: It is a very bad burn, Sam.

Maj. Carter: Five minutes.

Dr. Fraiser: Now!

Col. O'Neill: Do as the Doctor says.

Maj. Carter: Yes, Sir.

Dr. Fraiser: Thank you Colonel. You, Daniel and Teal'c are next.

Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson: What? We're…I'm fine.

Dr. Fraiser: Yeah well I would like to be the judge of that. Some form of energy came through the Stargate. I think it's only prudent to make sure there are no physiological effects to those exposed. ASAP.

Col. O'Neill: Who put her in charge?

Gen. Hammond: The US Air Force.

Teal'c: In medical matters, Dr. Fraiser may overrule those of any rank.