Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Here's a book I wrote about how dumb you are

This is a real achievement. People actually do this. Okay. I did it. But I sort of just ran by the book spawns when I was in town. I didn't camp them. Took me months. Whoever came up with this idea is an evil, evil person.

I am writing in regard to your recent completion of the "Higher Learning" achievement. Wow. I can't believe you actually did that. We just put that in there as a joke. We didn't think anybody would be dumb enough to actually do what you have done.

I am seriously laughing right now with my hot elf wife about what a total, unmitigated putz you are. We're going to still be laughing about it later, even as we are athletically getting busy, Hogger-style on a bearskin rug. Enjoy the image of me laughing at you while just going totally wild on a beautiful elf-chick.

I mean, partially, I will be laughing because my life is so great. But mostly, I'll be laughing at you. Have you ever touched a girl? Seriously? Did you get arrested for it?

Okay, you look confused. I know that you look confused, even though I am writing this hours before you are reading it, because I am super-awesome and can travel through time, so before I wrote this letter, I traveled to the future and watched how dumb you looked reading your mail, and now I am laughing about that too.

Here's what I did. I invented magic books that appear out of thin air in eight random places, and then created an achievement rewarding you for finding them. But then I made a bunch of other books that can appear and disappear in the same place, instead of the book people want to read for the achievement. So, basically, each book is on the shelf for an average of three minutes every twenty-four hours.

What is so funny is that I know you got the achievement by sitting there, staring at a bookshelf, for hours on end, waiting for a book to magically appear. And when it finally did, it wasn't the right one. That Conjuration book spawns right next to the place where I hang out, so I watched you spend your Saturday night last week staring at that bookshelf for three hours, and then a copy of "Khadgar's Journal" spawned.

But I am glad you've finally done it. So I am enclosing the epic saga, "The Schools of Arcane Magic: Mastery." It's about a holy man who takes an oath celibacy, and dedicates his life to staring at bookshelves. I consider it a satire. I was going to rig it to disappear in three minutes, which would have been kind of awesome, but I actually feel just a little bit sorry for you, so I am going to let you keep it. I hope you enjoy it.

Actually, I did put a little enchantment on it. It will teleport you to Archmage Vargoth's quarters in the spires of Dalaran. That's not a joke on you. It's a joke on him. He loves having really stupid guys appear out of nowhere in his bedroom. Tell him I said to conjure a little elemental that will follow you around pointing and laughing. You're probably dumb enough to think that's a reward, rather than a punishment.

Also, go ahead and spam the achievement in trade chat a few times. I already know you did it, because I was there, in the future. Look how impressed everyone is. This is why I invented the /golfclap.