How To Handle Rowdy Teens Without Shooting Them

Thomas Dunikowski of Marine Park, Brooklyn, has become a folk hero of sorts among the "I really loved that movie Falling Down" demographic for leaning out of his window with a rifle and opening fire on a group of rowdy teenagers who were raising a ruckus outside his house. (See "purported" video of the shooting here.) Completely unnecessary! It is, in fact, possible to deal with the depths of teen awfulness without resorting to gunshots.

Calmly approach the rowdy teens and extend your hand in friendship. The other hand is behind your back, holding a taser.

Teens respond better when, rather than adopting an overly formal "authority figure" tone, you speak to them in language that they can understand: "I am going to kick your little bitch ass up and down this fucking block if you don't get the fuck out of here by the time I count to ten, motherfucker, so help me god. One. Two." And so on.

Challenge the teens to a rap battle. Then win that rap battle.

Contrary to popular belief, engaging in a dance-off with gangs of teenagers can backfire. They live for that.

If you're surrounded and outnumbered by hostile teens, don't try to be a hero. Just let them tear you apart.

Just because you think you should be able to beat up a teenager doesn't necessarily mean that you can. Good motivation to get back to the gym though!!!