Self Realization

I was talking to someone the other day about how to get over disordered eating and move towards a direction of positive body image, self love and confidence.

I thought to myself and thought about what I have done (and am still doing as I am NOT there yet). I told her that I think the biggest thing for me was to take a step back from the fitness world and the physique expectations I had for myself. I had to take a step back from following a meal plan and a certain training split.

She then replied that she was scared to take a step back and lose all that she has worked so hard towards.

I remember that feeling. Afraid to put myself first because I thought it would impact my body. I then realized something important, this is the exact type of thinking I am trying to get away from.

Why? I was letting the way my body looks consume my life.

I replied with this “the body you have worked so hard for you can’t even enjoy because you aren’t truly happy” or at least something along those lines.

And I’ve been there. I still go there. It’s a process, but I remind myself: is it really worth looking the “ideal” way you want to if you aren’t happy? And I don’t mean that fake superficial temporary happy, but really genuinely, your heart feels full type of happy.

How can you be happy If you are consumed by your insecurities? Letting your unhealthy behaviours with food take over? Losing the joy in working out, but forcing yourself to do so, all so you won’t “lose it?” I really can’t remember what I was so afraid of losing…it seems like the important things have already been lost.

I thought about this, as usually when I write these things they resonate deeply with myself.

I used to choose to pretend I didn’t have these problems just so I could look a certain way. Why? Perhaps I was fuelled by the pressure I felt to look a certain way, to keep up with my fitness Instagram being afraid to let others down, or perhaps I needed the validation I got from others? I was letting my mind get turned upside down…for what? I had lost why I got into working out in the first place.

I became selfish and in the act self-destructive. My anxiety, body insecurities and obsessive behaviours with food were controlling my life.

I felt lost.

I knew something had to change.

It wasn’t until I finally decided to stop ignoring that gut feeling and actually listen to my heart that I chose to help myself over looking a certain way. I was ready to take back my life and truly live the life I WANT TO and not feel like I HAVE TO.

🌸Remember just because your values change doesn’t mean you can’t have fitness goals. Just make sure you are doing it for yourself. Because if you are striving towards goals placed on you by others or societal expectations you won’t seek happiness or fulfillment from them, I’ve tried…and failed.