A major redesign and reprint of Euros has been announced in Brussels. All future Euro notes will be printed on Greece proof paper.

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the StoryWhen you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

_________________The two most powerful warriors are patience and time…so remember: great achievements take time, there is no overnight success.

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the StoryWhen you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Ref the 130, saw a slogan last week, you can't kick donkey without AVgas. (it was the end of VC10 air refueling in UK I did not put DONKEY there)

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the StoryWhen you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

The Ex-wife worked in the medical field and I've heard the 2nd one many times applied to doctors.

Any way the aviation jokes remind me of this anecdote from a book written by the pilot of an SR-71. Name of the book is "Sled Driver."

Quote:

One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. ‘Ninety knots,’ ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. ‘One-twenty on the ground,’ was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was. ‘Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,’ ATC responded.

The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter’s mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, ‘Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.’ We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.

I was mowing the lawn today and noticed my neighbor was sitting on his patio having a beer. I thought to my self I seem to spend twice as much time as he does mowing. I walked over to him and said, how come you dont spend as much time as I do mowing the lawn.

He says, simple. I pore half a bottle of whiskey in with the seeds when I plant.

Farted on the bus earlier & 4 people turned around....For a moment I thought was on the voice.

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said,"Oh! Am I driving?"

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

Vettel and Alonso are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent.Both go to sleep. Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.Vettel isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent.Alonso peeps out and sees Vettel running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!Vettel: Don't worry, I lead by three laps..:O_o:.

_________________PF1 Pick 10 Competition8 Starts1 Win1 PodiumThe sun was glaring; I could not see the flag.#ForzaJules#KeepFightingMichael

Vettel and Alonso are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent.Both go to sleep. Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.Vettel isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent.Alonso peeps out and sees Vettel running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!Vettel: Don't worry, I lead by three laps..:O_o:.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in

agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still

clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She

gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then

administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments

and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

'Feels wonderful', he replied; but I think my thumb is still broken.

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian &, as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' the old Indian responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian &, as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' the old Indian responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

I got handed (at 17:15 as I was literally on my way to the door) a 150 page report to proof read by tomorrow, but these have brightened my evening a little.

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

A girl offered me oral sex if I'd post adds for her in facebook. Of course I rejected her. I'm married and I have a strong ethical code about these things. As strong as the new Cif with antibacterial action and vanilla scent!

Women's magazines:Page 43: 'You look beautiful just the way you are.'Page 44: Has Cheryl lost too much weight?Page 45: 'Try this amazing recipe for the ultimate cheesecake'Page 46: ''How to lose 15lbs in just 3 weeks'

After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of a huge heart covered in flowers, on the wall behind the casket during the service.

After a moment of silence the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.

The preacher demanded an explanation.

"I'm sorry," the man said, "I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynaecologist."

At which point the proctologist fainted.

_________________Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali