you, my lady, are in a funk.

8 December 2013

Ok, so maybe between marathoning The Tudors and reading Game of Thrones* every night it’s been more fun to just let my imagination run away with itself. Pretending to be a noble lady… or off on a tropical island… or really just about anything seems to be much more exciting than my actual day-to-day life.

I’ve been unemployed for six months now. And at first I could easily get through it. We had a busy summer of touring — Montreal, LA, Mass MoCA… Then I busied myself with trying to figure out grad school plans. And last month I had the Nintendo Challenge. But now? Well, everything’s died off.

Yes, it’s the holidays, and in a few weeks I’ll be back in Indiana visiting my family… but so far in December, the day-to-day is absolutely boring. I’m realizing how very little I actually do during the day. I spend most of my time on the couch, generally watching Netflix (though, now, I’ve almost run out of shows). My budget’s too tight right now to go out and do anything. And I’ve barely gone out walking since the temperatures dropped again. (And heck, now we have snow.)

I haven’t done any creative writing in months. Not even sure where my paint set is at the moment. And it’s been at least a week since I’ve done any GRE prep. And motivating myself for any of those things… I just haven’t found the energy.

I am definitely, positively, in a funk.

I know I just need to snap myself out of it. It’s so easy in situations like mine, to just spiral downward — and definitely easy to do so almost unknowingly. Right now my main concern is money. So, yes, I can start doing the things I love again… but the bottom line is, I still need to find a job or pick up some freelance clients. But I’ve been working on some personal battles there.

Deciding to pursue my Masters in Secondary Ed felt very right. Like I actually had direction and I could see where my life is going. But having so much time before I would actually start my degree… well, it’s enough to let the doubt in. I’m questioning whether or not it’s the right choice, or whether I’d even been a good teacher. Is teaching high school English really what I want to do with my life?

When I picture myself down the road, 5 – 10 years, I see myself with a kid that I’ve adopted and being a parent and loving that… but I don’t have visions of a job or where we’re living… I just can’t get those dreams to cement in my head. I’m afraid of letting something “in the mean time” take over and push out my goal.

It’s this idle time. I’m letting it ruin and control me. Derail me. And somehow I have to find a way to beat it, as well as find a way to take care of myself financially.

*Yes, I know the series is A Song of Ice and Fire and “Game of Thrones” is just book 1. I’m actually in book 5 now.

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