Friday, April 27, 2012

How do I put this, throughout my life I have consistently been left unassisted. What I mean by this is that often when I was learning to do something -even when I was part of a group or class- where more experienced people or teachers would rush to help someone, it was never me. It was something I started to notice more as I got older because it appeared in social situations and made me feel less loved rather than more advanced. When I mentioned it to a friend once we were playing pool and someone stepped in to help her learn to line up her shots. I think I said something like, "Why don't you help me?" And they said, "Well, you don't seem to need help." Which confounded me as I didn't feel I was performing any better than she was. Best I can figure is this came from becoming very independent early on. When you know you're not going to get any help, you don't expect it and therefor don't appear to "need" it. I've noticed it time and again and to be honest I've grown so accustomed to not getting this special attention that when I do get it it makes me feel kind of nervous and my performance suffers. I even noticed it a number of times in the past year with beauty school: there were teachers who never interfered with my work or questioned what I was doing which kind of made me feel that I was getting the attention I maybe should have been and there were teachers who wanted to supervise me and interject with nearly ever step I took in a process which made me feel underestimated and anxious.
So I just came across an article via some site I've already forgotten which wrote their short article based on this one in Time which talks about how much better it is to learn something on your own, especially if you find yourself struggling with it at first. This is fascinating as when I was in those situations where someone else was being given instruction, it was always the same person or people who would be aided in every new situation. I never thought of any of them as dunces but they seemed always to get this attention and I'm thinking now, that ultimately, they were set up to become not-as-good at learning things. I've always appreciated my independence, even though I do think it's caused me to miss out on some things -especially socially. But now I'm actually really glad to have cultivated it so early on as I have always felt that given the opportunity I could learn just about anything and struggling doesn't ever seem to discourage me quite enough to make me give up.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I know I write about my dreams sometimes but I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned my cat dreams. Every so often I have dreams that are full of cats. This has been happening for years and I'm becoming pretty certain that I've got some sort of personal symbolism for them as the dreams have been evolving lately.
For years when I had one of these dreams they would be kind of disturbing and depressing because it seemed that the "theme" wasn't just "lot's of cats in one place" but it would be something more along the lines of "lot's of cats in one place that is kind of a weird place for there to be lot's of cats and many or all of them seem to be unhealthy or sometimes wounded". These weren't good dreams I was having. I've also had dreams with lot's of dogs (although not so much with health issues) and once had a dream of lot's of rats that I was trying to "save" and hold gathered up in my skirt which wasn't working very well and I've had plenty of dreams of lot's of animals -even totally invented animals that don't exist in reality.
But recently I've been having the lot's of cats dreams again but they've been very different. For one thing a lot of them lately have featured strong, healthy baby kittens which is different than the cats I used to dream about. And then last night I had one of these dreams again (including some dogs, I believe) and what was even more obvious about the difference is that A: I no longer felt solely responsible for the animals in my dream (-and overwhelmed and helpless), and B: not only were the animals now strong and healthy and happy but in last nights dream we also had some kind of veterinarian person who was totally on top of taking care of the one animal who needed help.
Without getting into the actual symbolism of it all I've just been taking this all as generally good omens. Things are getting better. And better. And I expect nothing less that for this to continue, onward and upward.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

As I've mentioned a few times I just recently finished beauty school and am about to start the next phase of working on my new career as a hairdresser. Many things about this have been a little scary for me. One of the best and worst parts of it, in fact, is that as a hairdresser you basically work for yourself. The scary part of this, for me at least, has been trying to figure out how to build a clientele. Today I got a "sign" and a great compliment rolled into one. A girl who I recently met to arrange for cat sitting for her and her husband sent me a note with instructions for the kitties and a PS at the bottom saying: Who does your hair? It looks gorgeous and I'm looking for a new stylist.

Wow. That is a great compliment on so many levels because, as you all know, I do my own hair. With the recent dramatic color change it was wonderful to hear from a stranger that it looks great because I'm still adjusting to it myself and apparently don't trust anyone I know to not be lying a little when they tell me it looks great -because they love me and want me to feel good, right? And as a just-starting-out stylist it was amazing to hear this because every head of hair you work on is a billboard for your work and so, in a sense, I've just seen that concept work! I'm now beyond ecstatic and my confidence in the potential of my success has leapt about a mile.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

With all this extra time on my hands again I've gotten back to reading. Not that I've ever really stopped reading but there have been times when I didn't have the focus for it or didn't seem to have time for it. It's been a while since I read a whole book in two days (I honestly can't remember ever having read a whole book in two days, actually). Last night was windy and then rainy. I recently threw away my sofa cushions (?) because the dogs has dug through them and they've been uncomfortable and messy for a while and I suddenly realized it was pointless to keep them. Strangely enough I find the couch more comfortable now than ever, with the extra height of the back and the arm it makes a perfect corner for me to cozy into. So last night I read for hours in my sofa corner with the sound of hard rain and wind outside. Lovely.
Today was absolute madness -I won't bother with the details, it's all over now. It seems another storm is blowing in, and I've got fresh books from the library so I'm all set.
Turns out I'm finally enjoying all the extra free time now that I'm done with school. I wasn't expecting to and was hustling to get things lined up to fill my time but so far it's just been a little so I'm going to happily enjoy this last little reprieve before my test and starting a new job.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Perhaps it's Mercury stationing direct (now in the "storm" phase) or maybe I've just completely flipped my lid but the strangest and most interesting things have been occurring to me since mid-afternoon. Let me clarify: strange and interesting maybe only to me as they are mostly low key "revelations" about my long standing mood problems (doesn't that sound nice and non-threatening and not very serious?).
First off, I really am thinking that I might have an internet addiction. It's just such an easy toy to turn to when I'm bored, there's so much out there. But it quickly becomes a habit and even though I know that I feel much better if I'm actually doing something -like gardening or going out for a walk or doing hair or making something or even just cleaning the house- there are times when I just can't think of anything else and I plop down in front of my computer.
This leads me to my worst nasty-thoughts-of-the-day which is that I got really annoyed after spending a while perusing a number of blogs of young ladies who are similar to myself and post a lot of photos of things and places they like, write a bit about how they feel and little stories from their lives -all good stuff that I enjoy. But after scrolling through one too many, I guess, I came across a girl who had posted a series of photos of herself taken in a cute outfit in a 7-Eleven parking lot followed by a series of herself wearing a cute outfit on the beach staring out at the ocean and I just got totally nauseated. I can think of a number of "reasons why" I felt this way but they're all petty and lame and don't really make any sense beyond that perhaps I was feeling overly saturated at that point.
When I sat down to write this I had a pretty clear idea of what I was going to rant about but suddenly it's gone fuzzy..... And that's kind of the basis of everything for me lately. I feel like crap, I start to surface and see more clearly, I feel ridiculous for having been so blind (I hate cliches but they're always just so easy to reach), I feel upset for the time I lost feeling bad, I realize again all the REAL reasons that I have felt so bad for so long which actually seem entirely beyond my control (and therefor valid) and then I see a girl who takes twenty photo's of herself sucking down a big gulp in front of a 7-Eleven and think "Where does she get the confidence to not feel ridiculous doing this?!" It's highly likely that this is partially fueled by my having skipped a mid-day meal because I didn't know what I was hungry for. Not to worry, dinner's on the stove.

Addendum: I just remembered one of the things I wanted to say. I'm really tired of squelching what I honestly think and feel. I certainly don't want to hurt any feelings, I truly am a kind person, but I feel like I'm always seeing two extremes in people: the ones who don't believe in having dreams or the possibility of making them real, and the ones who live in utter fantasy, shunning all practicalities. I'm kind of sick of it all but it's hard to say. More aptly, I suppose, I'm tired of feeling stuck in one or the other of these extremes. There IS a happy medium to be found there and I intend to find it and live in it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. It never stops. They're wild and vivid as ever and I even have them when I nap. The other night I had a dream that I was rushing to train stations and boarding and riding trains all night. I finally thought to look up the symbolism of trains and found it's all about evolution and very good -"They are signs of our psychic development and indications that we have become self-aware and are moving towards a new life." Ah!!! What a brilliant sign to dream of. And how interesting to dream this just as I graduate beauty school (Saturday was my final day!), am looking at moving house, and Venus moved into Gemini today (heavily influencing my romantic love life) to stay for the next six months -wheeee!

Last night the first of the two flowers opened. As you can see it was gorgeous, there's very little I can say about it. I noticed it was beginning to open at dusk and later took a photo of it fully open. Surprisingly it stayed open all day today. The first one I had I missed seeing open as one morning I went outside and could see that it had opened and closed during the night. Also, it was white rather than this beautiful pink. I thought it was on the same plant but maybe I'm wrong -I have two types and multiple plants...

Tonight is even more spectacular with both flowers now fully blooming.

I couldn't decide if I liked better the photo with less flash that looks so very nighttime or the one with more flash that shows off the colors better.

Monday, April 2, 2012

These are the budding flowers on my Night Blooming Cereus. They're the second and third ever on this plant (I have a few, all grown from clippings) and I missed seeing the first one open so I'm really excited about these. They only open at night and will actually close up again if you shine a light on them but I'm hoping to sneak up and catch them with my camera flash (it seems a little cruel but I can't help myself). I've been checking them every night and I'm thinking tonight may be the night.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

One of the streets I often walk with my dogs is lined on both sides with tall palms trees. It also happens to be on the crest of a big hill. Strong wind rushing through the palms sounds like huge ocean waves crashing incessantly. It's almost as good as the ocean itself.