Apparently Hollywood “entertainers” are no longer content to disparage their fellow humans. They now must attack defenseless agricultural stock? Alec Baldwin’s vile mischaracterization of his own daughter as a “rude and thoughtless little pig” diminishes the self-esteem of innocent, law-abiding pigs everywhere. The swinal community finds such stereotyping abhorrent and blatantly species-motivated. Mr. Baldwin’s accusations can be neither justified nor tolerated.
The fact that pigs communicate by grunting, wallow in filth, often eat garbage and, through no other consequence than their genetic heritage, exhibit a propensity for flatulence doesn’t make them “rude and thoughtless.” Sadly, the same cannot be said of second-rate actors. Therefore, we of the Swine And Ungulate Sensitivity Alliance for Good Eating (SAUSAGE) demand a meeting with Mr. Baldwin so that he might begin apologizing over and over for his hurtful, antiporcine remarks. Further, SAUSAGE asks that Mr. Baldwin visit a pig farm and offer his personal apology, as well as a sack of corn, to every pig he has so irresponsibly offended. We call upon porkers all across this great nation to unite and move past this travesty. Only then can the healing begin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out for a BLT.