Thursday, February 17, 2011

Remember?

It seems that the hurdles never end... I learned yesterday that I missed the deadline for filing my application to the board to take the licensure exam in April. I now have to wait until October.... I have to say that throughout this process, I have really struggled with staying organized and on top of things. I have never felt like I've had all the information that I've needed, but I think that is more because I haven't ever taken the time to really read over the material that I do have. Also, whatever information I got in my classes about the exam and dates and times seemed to slip right through my memory... I hate not having my memory. I struggle with losing my car every time I park it in a parking lot bigger than a gas station. I lose my keys, my phone, my purse, my important papers, my laptop power cord, my medicines..... Everything. I lose things because I can't remember where I put them. So, I get motivated and create a "place" where they go. That's fantastic except then I can't remember where that place is... I forget what I went to the store for, what appointments I have coming up, the names of my doctors, what kind of medication I'm taking.... I forget. I just forget. And its infuriating. And stressful. And I believe that the more stressed I get about it, the worse it becomes. I'm stuck in this cycle and can't seem to find a way out.Some may want to chalk this up to pregnancy brain, but honestly, I haven't had a memory since the time my seizures really picked up in both frequency and intensity in 2000-2001. The doctor's don't really have anything to say about the matter... Either they don't know what to do about it, or there isn't anything they can do, or they think its all in my head but regardless, something has to be done. I can't live like this any longer!!!! I need my brain back!So, after this pregnancy, I'm going to actively attack the problem and see what can be done. I say after the baby because I can't take any kind of anxiety or depression meds while I'm pregnant. I get very depressed when I forget things because I feel so stupid and get very down on myself for forgetting. I feel like I should be better or more organized or something! And then I get upset because I'm letting it get to me - Yet another way I'm failing, by letting it bother me... You can see the pattern here. Its a spiral that has no end and no bottom.

This is an issue that doesn't just affect me and that upsets me even more. The issue of me getting my license and getting a better job also affects my husband. He's working crazy hours and not sleeping enough and getting to the point where he feels like his health is being affected by both his crazy hours and stress. So, he's waiting for me to find something so that he can move onto something that works better... And, now because I am where I am - both pregnant and unable to take my test when we had planned - I feel like a failure. I want to be able to help him; I don't want him to put his health on the line... I want him around for a long, long, long time!!! And I definitely want to be able to give back some of what he's given to our family.

As of right now, I'm staying where I am, but I'm still applying every day I can and praying that something comes up. Whatever God has planned... I just hope it comes soon!

"Faith in faith is pointless. Faith in a living active God moves mountains". - Beth Moore

"Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad... And what the hell is that smell? I could've been at a barbecue! ... But I ain't mad." - Captain Steven Hiller (Will Smith) Independence Day We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.- C. S. Lewis

"No wonder they execute people at dawn. Who wants to live at six A.M.?" - Hawkeye MASH"We got no problem... We got one problem." - BJ Hunnicut MASH"The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve." -- Albert Schweitzer"Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." -- Vaclav Havel"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are." -- Zen proverb"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, 'thank you,' that would suffice." -- Meister Eckhart

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -- Albert EinsteinI believe in God as I believe the sun has risen, not because I can see it, but because by way of it I can see everything else.- C.S. Lewis

Ross: Hey guys. Does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a thirty-two-ounce steak, it's free. Ross: Okay. Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?- FriendsGod, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain.- C. S. Lewis

My Bible Verse

Colossians 3: 15-17

This is the verse I have tatooed on my ankle and, I'm ashamed to say, I don't have it memorized. So I'm putting it here so that I will read it frequently, and also so that you can appreciate it with me. And maybe you'll be moved to memorize it with me. :)"Let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body, you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom He gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." (NLT)