Coalition of Anti-Squeegee New Yorkers

The Impudent Observer had the following message delivered to our offices in a brown manila envelope. We print it without any comment.

TO: The Impudent ObserverFROM: Coalition of Anti-Squeegee New Yorkers

We are writing as members of the Anti-Squeegee Coalition which originated during the exhilarating era when our beloved leader, Rudy G. (bylaws forbid writing out the entire name of our noble leader) extinguished once and forever the presence of shiftless homeless men waving squeegee weapons as they assaulted peaceful occupants of cars. Prior to the arrival of Rudy G., it was common that any attempt to traverse the streets of New York in a car resulted in hordes of lazy bums waving squeegee weapons as their smelly bodies sprawled over our shiny new cars. We refer to that as the “Era Before the Arrival of Him.”

Your snotty comments about Rudy G. indicate you were never a resident of New York during the days of horror. We might excuse your incredible ignorance, but the continual sniping at our beloved leader goes beyond the pale of decent behavior. New York City was in chaos before His arrival. Crime ran rampant, people feared leaving their homes, and children attended schools in which violence reigned. It was a glorious day when he won the mayoral election and drove from power David Dinkins, who is well known as the friend of criminals and squeegee terrorists. Once in power, our Beloved Leader issued directives banning these uncouth, filthy creatures to the underground and he forbade them from even breathing on our cars. For the first time in decades we felt comfortable transporting our wives and children through the streets of New York City.

We insist The Impudent Observer cease and desist from any further attacks upon our Beloved Leader. We await the day when Rudy G. will assume the mantle of leadership of this great nation. We are sending a communication to the United Nations asking that The Impudent Observer be cited for defending squeegee terrorists since we believe your website supports evil akin to that of Nazi Germany. Once Rudy G. becomes president, he will wipe out the squeegee plague in every sector of this nation.

We insist on an apology from The Impudent Observer.

P.S. We are sending three squeegee men with their weapons to stand outside your home and attack your car with their filthy bodies when you attempt to drive your car.