Thursday, August 23, 2012

New Beginnings,

It's been a stressful, exhausting day. But a good one nonetheless. I feel happy. Content. But still scared out of my mind. Yep, definitely that.

It was long and daunting unpacking all of my things and I must admit I freaked out about the whole thing more than I ever should have. I mean, I was expecting packing to be stressful, but I didn't really realize how bad it was until my anxiety and OCD kicked into overtime. Thankfully everything is set up now and I feel like I'm at home. I have Audrey Hepburn looking down at me on the top bunk and Christmas lights delicately wrapping around my bed post. My diary is to my left, waiting to be filled with all today's adventures, and in cut out letters, the word 'dream' is on my wall. It is truly heaven.

It didn't feel real though leaving my parents, saying our goodbyes. I didn't cry like I thought I would. They didn't cry like I thought they would. Perhaps it's because I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and my dad will be in the kitchen, reading the paper at out worn out table. My sister will be watching the Olympics- even though they're long over. And my mother. My mother will be waiting for me to go to Mcdonald's with her and get her extra large unsweetened ice tea with extra ice and four equal. The same thing she's been getting four times a day for thirty years. I'm crying for the first time today now and I don't know why. Maybe because from now on, everything is different- never going to be the same.

I've wished a lot of today though that I could call him. Tell him about everything, like I always planned to. To tell him what I feel and what I fear and that I'm excited. But then I have to stop and think because it's not like that anymore, and it makes me sad. So, so sad. I know things will get better though. It just takes some time to heal and forget.

But I feel so comforted in knowing that at the end of each day, this blog is waiting here for me. A place of familiarity, of home, and of my friends. It makes me feel less scared, less like I'm in this totally unknown place all alone.

Tomorrow will be another long day but I'm looking forward to exploring and adventuring. I can't wait until I fall asleep so I can wake right up and start again. I am feeling every emotion a human can feel tonight.

9 comments:

Yay! I'm super glad to hear that your first day went pretty okay. :) I'm typing this from my new dorm room whoop! It's a lot of fun here and I really love my roomate. We are pretty much exactly the same. My parents leave tomorrow though, so we'll see how well they do. :)

Lauren, you are such a beautiful, strong, and inspirational person. I commend you on all that. I'm glad to know that you find comfort despite the new situation, because college is wonderful. I felt as you explained my first day too, but I promise that it will pass. All new experiences are a little scary, but you are truly too wonderful and I'm sure you will love everything about Kent <3

Good luck! Hopefully when your roommate gets there you will have lots to do and have fun. Also although it's not easy to find out who I reckon there will be other people who have broken up with their boyfriends or girlfriends before going away and they will also be adjusting to newness and missing someone. I found that there were several of us in that situation when I started uni and it was good to have people to talk to about it.