jeudi 22 janvier 2015

Animals that don't Exist

The
Two-legged Pig

The
two-legged pig, Sus duocruris,
is a relatively new member to the Sus genus, which encompasses all
pigs. But despite its young age, it has already had a large impact on
our society, as most of us are aware of.

The
two-legged pig is a master of disguise, and can easily pass for human
from a distance. This is essential for its survival, since it
inhabits almost exclusively urban areas. In cases where its true
identity has been spotted, two-legged pigs are chased out of town,
or, in more extreme cases, gutted, hamstrung, and then fried, boiled
or salted, depending on local customs. The reasons for this anger is
obvious if we take a closer look at the behavior of two-legged pigs.

Instead
of rummaging through trashcans or depending on leftovers, the
two-legged pig is a master swindler, and a great orator. Thanks to
its ability to mimick human behavior, and its astute powers of
observation, it can easily adopt behavior that puts
human spectators at ease, and, in the long run, diminishes
their brain-activity. Once the victim is thus entranced, the
two-legged pig will then proceed, through visual and audio cues
playing to the human unconscious, to relieve its crowd of most of its
belongings (the two-legged pig prefers cash, but, as most members of
its genus, will get whatever
it can, whenever
it can).

The
population size of the two-legged pig is hard to estimate, due to its
camouflage, but scientists believe it is growing steadily. Worst-case
scenarios have been presented where models estimate that by the end
of the 21st
century, two-legged pigs will outnumber humans in political and
financial roles. How to stop the rise of the two-legged pig, however,
remains open for debate. While some are in favor of encouraging
education (which will make it easier to see through the two-legged
pig's charade), others advocate genetic tests on all members of risk
groups, to make sure they are indeed human, and not two-legged pigs.
Others still insist that the two-legged pig is myth, and no cause for
concern. A member of the
latter group has recently
been gutted, hamstrung, and grilled, to the delight of pig-haters and
barbeque enthusiasts alike.

For
a more detailed description of the evolution and behavior of the
two-legged pig, please refer to George Orwell's “Animal Farm”,
which remains one of the
seminal works on the subject.