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How to Get All the Bitches at the Beach

By Alex Watt

How to Get All the Beaches
-1.) Get Your Ship Sailin’
-Image: Guy sitting on the couch watching one of those Frankie Avalon/Annete Funicello beach movies (I’m partial to Beach Blanket Bingo) or Baywatch.
-Put your junk in some trunks.
-Image: Guy putting on a bathing suit.
-Shout out to a homie for that good ride.
-Image: Guy calling someone.
-Get your sculpt on.
-Image: Guy working out.
-Get your sculpt on.
-Image: Guy sculpting his body hair into something really douchey, like an arrow pointing to his crotch.
-2.) Undress to Impress
-Pop that shirt off right quick.
-Image: Guy taking his shirt off (shirt should say something lame like “Hung 10”)
-Dock the ‘block for some tanning oil.
-Peep the selection.
-Image: Guy peering over sunglasses at bodacious babes.
-Enab’ a babe to rub that ish in.
-Get to flexin’
-Image: Guy running towards the water while covering his erection in a way that makes it look like he’s flexing.
-3.) Just the Dip
-Make sho’ it’s been at least an hour since you last munched some piff nom noms.
-Image: Guy with an erection sprinting into the water.
-Proceed with dummy caution until you can take that water’s safety to the bank.
-Image: Guy diving or belly flopping into really shallow or disgusting water.
-Find a “ride ‘til I die” swimming buddy with an eye on the tide.
-Image: Guy standing waist-deep in the water with a jellyfish on his head.
-Get your swell on (or Wave around)
-Image: Guy getting bombarded by a wave.
-Paddle around and show the bathin’ biddies love.
-Image: Guy standing waist-deep in the water with two jellyfish on his head. Girl pointing at his head in horror.
-4.) Spin Some ‘Skin
-Scout out where all the ballers is at.
-Image: Guy approaching a father and son having a football catch.
-Let them fools know that you got game.
-Image: Guy diving in front of the son to intercept the ball.
-Get the ladies buzzin’ ‘bout your physical prowess.
-Image: Two attractive women look on disgusted as the now crying son draws the attention of his mother.
-Act like it ain’t no thang.
-Image: Guy punting ball into the water.
-Leave them wanting more.
-Image: Everyone glaring at the guy and pointing to the ball in the water.
-5.) Rescue it Up
-Assess the sitch.
-Bust a bravery nut in fear’s eye.
-Save the day like cash mon-ey.
-Image: Guy deep in the ocean holding the football.
-Get others in on that ill satisfaction.
-Image: Guy escorted out of the water by lifeguards.
-Enjoy dat hero’s welcome.
-Image: Crowd cheering as the lifeguard hoists the football over his head.
-Assess the asses.
-Image: Everyone walking away from the guy.
-6.) Surf’s Down
-Say Aloe to Your Herbal Friend
-Image: Guy sitting at home severely sunburned.