Yesterday, something happened to me for the first time in my life. It is something that I was slightly expecting, but didn’t want to happen. The law of attraction was working its magic, as much as I hate to admit that.

The last year and a half has been strange. I have learned a lot about myself, and I know that the last 18 months have presented a whole slew of facts and truths that I am only now starting to fully grasp.

In the 20 years of my employment history, I was let go. I was let go from a job that served my life in many ways, both positively and negatively.

Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I’ll bounce back.

But, this is a huge shock to my system, and I don’t quite know how to move forward. Fortunately, I have an incredibly part time job at a yoga studio lined up, so I am not completely at a loss. I also have been sending my resume and Linkedin profile out like mad. I am doing what I can to move forward.

To be completely frank, I’m freaking out. The panic is all internal, which isn’t the most healthy. I need to talk this out with someone. I need to process. A lot of the panic stems from the fact I am seeing a therapist, and that service was covered by the company I worked for. I also had health insurance, which kept my anti-depressant cost at $5 a month. The temporary lack of income is a cause of panic, but the lack health insurance coverage is the aspect that is really freaking me out. This is a vicious cycle. I suffer from constant anxiety, which is lessened by regular talk therapy and anti-depressant therapy. Not being able to afford the two things that help my mental health is detrimental to my mental health. And, here I am, feeling myself getting caught up in the panic fog.

I have ways of getting myself out of this. I know exactly what I need to do. One of them is reminding myself that I am actually employable. I need to use this knowledge and spend some quality time today (well every day) looking at jobs and being ruthless.

Another thing I need to do is get outside and move. This is a free way to ensure that I’m taking care of my body and mind. I can fill my ears with podcasts, whether they are comedy based or news based. This will be a time for me to clear my mind, and either laugh or learn (both, maybe). One of the perks of getting the job at the yoga studio is unlimited yoga is accessible for employees. Another way to take care of myself! As I spend time practicing yoga, I can work towards my goal of doing Yoga Teacher Training, a skill I want to have in my wheelhouse.

Last, I need to ensure I am doing creative things. This could be writing, drawing, coloring, knitting, or taking photographs. I want to knit a whole slew of headbands/ear warmers and set up an Etsy store. This is a way to bring in a few extra dollars.

Today, right now, the best I can do is keep my head up. As soon as I hit publish, I am going to hop over to some job sites and send my resume out.

You, dear readers, can do me a solid. I have a Patreon page that is active. I have a few reward levels, but I don’t expect anyone to splurge on me. I would, however, really appreciate it if anyone can spare a few dollars a month to help me put gas in my car and set up an Etsy storefront. If you can spare $5 a month for two or three months, that would be amazing and I will be eternally grateful!

Today is a new day and the beginning of a new journey. I’m scared. I’m nervous. And, the fire is lit under my ass.

There is a subject women in the US will get spoken to about infinite times in her life: children.

That’s perfectly acceptable, as (biological) women are the humans equipped to grow other humans for nine-ten months. But, the thing is, not all of us want children. On top of that, asking if or when one will be having children is like asking how much money one makes in a year. All are incredibly personal. Emily Post would suggest you avoid asking strangers if and when they are having kids.

Simply, one should never impose their preconceived notions of what makes a person complete. One should never impose their idea that a standard issue 2.1 children, 1 dog, two car family is what makes life fulfilling.

Yesterday, I just finished a sociology class titled “Marriage, Family, and Intimate Relationships.” It wasn’t what I expected and was definitely history heavy; however, I did learn a lot and was able to become more interested in learning about non-standard American values regarding family.

After three months, I remembered why I considered being childfree for such a long time. Sure, I get the occasional pang of maternal desire. But, the desire to learn, travel, and own land seem like much more interesting things. Coming up on 34, my biological timeframe to have kids is dwindling at a rapid rate. Ideally, I’d need to have kids in the next three years if I want to be an active mother. If I adopt, that gives me a couple more years. Essentially, I have a 3-5 year window to save a good chunk of $250k-$500k. And, to make things easier on me, a partner would have to be introduced into the mix. I’d rather not be a single mother and would enjoy having an extra set of hands and an extra source of income to alleviate the emotional and financial costs of having kids.

What it all boils down to though is that a woman doesn’t need children to be complete. I am an entire and whole being without children, and will remain so until the day I die. Not using my ovaries and uterus for their main purpose does not make me any less of a person.

Imagine if infertility didn’t exist. Imagine if every single woman wanted to be mothers. If women lived up to the expectation that our ultimate purpose is to bare children, the world would be a disgustingly overpopulated (even more so than it already is) and resources would cease to exist rapidly.

So, don’t assume all women want to have kids. Don’t randomly ask strangers when they are going to start having kids. You never know the situation you are walking to. You might be talking to someone who isn’t physically able to have kids of their own. Some people simply don’t want children, and have other amazing aspirations that are valuable contributions to society. [*Ahem* Starting a non-profit that directly helps hundreds of thousands of children who come from broken homes or are orphaned is far more admirable than popping one or two kids out while not doing much else. Just sayin’.]

Some of my favorite notable people happen to be childfree women. I like them for reasons other than their choice not to be mothers. Their childlessness has nothing to do with why I appreciate them.

Gloria Steinem. I mean, look at what she’s done for feminism and human equality. She is an amazing example of the fact that a woman can be childfree and remain compassionate and caring.

Stevie Nicks. DUH! If you can’t get down with Stevie, then you’re silly. She’s an amazing lyricist and singer and, again, a wonderful example of a woman being maternal without having kids.

Helen Mirren. She’s played Elizabeth II twice, and has an amazing artistic range in the roles she plays. She’s got an amazing sense of humor, and I bet she is a hoot to hang out with.

Betty White. If you don’t like or can’t appreciate Betty White, I might not trust your creative judgement. She is a perfect example of a woman who chose her career, and made an excellent choice. Everything she does is pure gold. Plus, she has incredible compassion for animals. She’s sharp, highly motivated, has had an incredibly successful life, and gives a damn about animals.

Margaret Cho. Sure, she’s not everyone’s cuppa. But, here is a woman who has had a successful career, is witty, and in the side she has shown to the public, has proved to be highly compassionate and in favor of equality and human rights. She has chosen to be childfree and maintains a complete life.

Oprah. I might not be Oprah’s biggest fan, but I am a fan of any successful woman. Especially if said woman’s success is entirely hers. She’s never married and never had children and is one of the richest people in the United States. I stand behind any woman who chooses to do what she can to be autonomous and satisfied in life.

After that, some people will look stunned, trip over incoherent sentences and walk away. Other people will continue on the “kids, kids, KIDS” rhetoric. A few will tell me I’m selfish. On very rare occasions, some people will say “I respect that” and move on.

If I haven’t made my point clear enough: women do not need to have children to live a complete life. We are all as complete as we choose to be. We don’t need social norms (that are 30+ years behind) or gendered rhetoric to make us complete. So, please, just be polite. If you assume all women want to have kids, keep that thought to yourself. Simply, that idea is antiquated and unnecessary.

All of this will be old news to many people by now. But, sometimes, the world needs a little help remembering important things. Right now, Earth has approximately 7.4 billion* people roaming her (the world’s birth rate is just over twice the rate of deaths), and a sizable number of her inhabitants live with some sort of mental disorder or illness.

“Just snap out of it” and “do something about it already” are two incredibly insensitive things that one can say to a person living with a mental illness or disorder. We’ve heard it countless times, and often from loved ones.

One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing from family members that my depression will pass and that I’ve just got to get over it. There seems to be a lack of understanding or compassion when statements like these are given to me. Yes, they might feel like they mean well and it might actually be coming from a place of love, but the choice of words often can do more damage than good. Another thing that bothers me is that I can be, at times, treated with hostility, rather than love. When that comes from strangers, I am not effected. But, if and when the hostility comes from someone in my circle, naturally, I hurt.

I’ve spent twenty years dealing with depression. This clearly should tell my loved ones something. One does not just “get over” depression, nor can one “snap out of it.” If it was that easy, I would have been free of it 19.5 years ago. Mental health is a daily task for every human. It is in everyone’s best interest to check in with themselves every day, whether mental illness exists or not. For those of us who live with any kind of mental health issue (depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, etc.), we do have to be diligent about monitoring our environment, our nutrition, and our moods in order to maintain our health. When we don’t, the disordered mental health we live with can take over.

For the last three months (maybe four?), I’ve been going to a therapist. The time I’ve spent with her has been incredibly helpful. Not only am I learning a lot about myself and humanity in general, I am learning how to live with the mental health of others. Someone in my life has finally gotten the DSM diagnosis he deserves. An actual licensed psychiatrist said “you fit the criteria for this mental disorder and these are things that can be done to help manage it.” It’s a relief that he now has an official diagnosis and seems to be, at the bare minimum, attempting to manage it. Frankly, I feel that this person could benefit from weekly counseling sessions and other mindfulness based therapies, but I am not a licensed therapist or psychiatrist, so I can’t (won’t) consistently urge him to follow through.

It’s not my place to tell a person how to manage their mental health, especially if they don’t ask me how they should. I have always believed that it’s improper to hand out advice willy-nilly to people without being asked. If someone wants advice from me, I am happy to give it.

So, I am learning how to live with a person learning how to live with their own mental health concerns. I am also learning how to be mindful when I am given unwarranted or unnecessary advice (that is often lacking compassion, empathy, or validity). And, I’m learning how to let go of any hurt that may have previously been caused or continues to be caused at the hands of someone’s altered mind. One person’s experience usually doesn’t reflect my own, nor does it need to dictate my own. How I choose to react in a situation is my responsibility, and the reactions of others are theirs.

We should all be treating each other with kindness and compassion. It can be difficult at times, especially for those of us who sometimes find it difficult to feel love for ourselves (or even understand love and care).

Mental illness is rather common. This is why I am a huge supporter of mental health advocacy. [I’m also a huge fan of preventative and holistic health care. I’ll talk about my favorite places for healthcare, Northern & Western Europe, in another post.] If you or someone you know lives with any kind of mental disorder or illness, there is a wide array of information out in the world for you. By doing research, not only will you become better educated, you will be able to care for your community with compassion and an open mind. We appreciate people who are willing to take the time to understand where we are coming from and how we live our lives. Receiving compassion and love does actually alleviate a lot of stress we deal with. The less stress we experience, the easier it is for us to focus on being as healthy as we can be.

There are so many other resources out there, but these are trustworthy resources that can get you in the right direction.

Seriously, if you or anyone you know is experiencing any kind of mental health issue, help is out there. I promise, it doesn’t matter how large or small the issue is. There are a lot of trained professionals and support groups out there in the world. Utilize them! You and your mental health are essential and important! I know, first hand, that one can never just snap out of their mental illness. It takes time, care, compassion, and love.

The last couple of weeks have seen me getting off my tush and moving. On Sunday and yesterday, I actually made myself run. Once was in the rain that California so desperately needs, and the other was on a treadmill. I love running in the rain; always have. There is something magically cleansing about running in the rain.

But, running is not the point of this post.

Today, on my walk around our neighborhood, I found my mind wandering on what I’ve done with my life so far, and where I want it to go. Ten years ago, I wanted to be married with three kids, a dog, two cats, and a five bedroom house in Woodside or Portola Valley by this time.

Clearly that hasn’t happened.

Coming up on 34, I still want to get married. Three kids, though? Sure, three kids would be nice, but that means I’d have to get married yesterday and be well on the way to having $750k saved up. I want kids. Two is still doable, and I am happy to adopt. In fact, I’d rather adopt. But the five bedroom in Woodside or Portola Valley? Nope. A five bedroom house, period? Nope. I’ve learned as I age that, while luxurious and impressive, large houses on huge properties aren’t essential in live. Space is space and a house is a house. Home came be anywhere and space isn’t the only important factor.

Walking past newly renovated houses, sprinkled with a few houses that haven’t changed in sixty years, I really started to consider what kind of living space I could see myself in. For the time being, I am happy with a decent studio or loft space, or even a small one bedroom apartment. For now, it’s just me. And, I don’t need heaps of space in order to create my own home. If and when I fall in love and decide to co-habitate, I’ll need my own bedroom. That’s non-negotiable. Even if it’s an office that I can convert into a sleeping area, I’ll be happy. I’m one of those people that sleeps better alone.

All of these adorable and fresh houses are charming, and I’d love to live in one like them. That is definitely possible if I leave California. I used to think I could never leave the Bay Area. Now, I want to run far away from the Bay Area (even California) as fast as possible.

Oregon is calling my name. Washington state might even be able to lure me back. There is also a strong pull to the East Coast. I’d love, very much, to get away from the overly-PC liberal bubble of the West Coast. Sure, if I move back East, I might find myself in the minority and in a community that holds more moderate or conservative views than I. The thing is, I’m fairly good at keeping my two cents to myself. Unless I feel that a life (mine included) is in immediate danger, I tend to keep my two cents to myself.

In my research, Minnesota seems to always be the favorite for women’s overall wellbeing (health, economic, social, and safety).* Do I want to live in Minnesota though? No! Snowy winters are not good for my mental health. The cost of living is, but my mental health is important. Hawaii ranks in the top 20-25% quite often, but the affordability and cost of living isn’t quite the same. I keep getting pulled towards Boston, though. Sure, the winters are cold. But, New York is pretty accessible from Boston. There is a specific mindset in Boston that I have been told I’d do well with. [I get along very well with hardworking, blue collar people. I also can be direct, in a kind, Irish way.] Who knows? That might just be where I end up. Summer weekend trip to Boston this year? Yes please!

Ultimately, the dream is to live in Europe. But, that’s not going to happen in the foreseeable future. I think it’ll help if I find a partner first, and make sure they are on board with that. If we both can be our own bosses, that’ll benefit the dream in a major way.

Anyway, it’s time for me to get on with my life. It’s time I find a place to live, a job to sustain me, and someone to share my time and love with. It’s March already. No time for to waste!!

It’s been sixteen months since I created this blog. I started it with the intention to document my journey with PCOS. That, unfortunately, didn’t happen. For the last year or so, I have barely taken care of myself and been focused on plenty of things that didn’t directly heal my heart and mind.

Six months after creating this blog, I decided that I would focus on every aspect of healing myself. Instead of just talking about my experience with PCOS, I decided to branch out and discuss my experience with my relationship with food. Well, that didn’t happen. I let this blog lay in wait, gathering dust.

So, sixteen months after setting up this blog, I’ve made an actual, logical decision. I commit this blog to the discussion of my experience with PCOS, my (physical and emotional) relationship with food, my relationship with exercise, and my take on my own mental health.

I plan on making time each week to write one new post. Who knows? I might even write two! Currently, I am reading a lot of daily meditation books, including ‘Beautiful You: A Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance’ – a book that was waiting around for months to be used. This is a book I highly recommend to anyone working on their self esteem. I’ll be sharing some of the activities or questions that I find most poignant.

Disclaimer: I am not a trained and licensed therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker. All of what I discuss is in regards to my own experience, research, and education. When talking about someone else’s research or experiences, I will respectfully and legally cite them. If I misquote someone or cite incorrectly, please let me know and I will correct my error. Don’t sue me, please! Give me a chance to correct any honest mistakes.

As I mentioned in my previous post, twice in a couple months, I have been told that there are parts of me that are not valid or real. I have been trying to process being told this and coping with understanding why someone would say such a thing to another person, especially when both things are absolutely valid and part of my journey.

I was told by someone integral in my life that my job is not real and that I have wasted the past decade of my life in a job that is not valid.

Let me clarify that I do, in fact, work retail. In the last 12 years, I have made many attempts to climb the corporate ladder and work really hard to prove that I am worth promoting. I switched fields in retail a couple times, but landed back at the place I started and have spent the 10 of the last 12 years at the same place. My path at this company has not really evolved, and I do feel very much overlooked. Yes, retail usually isn’t a life changer, nor is it really a suitable career path. However, a job is a job, especially an honest one. I’m not out on the streets selling drugs, nor am I selling my body.

I honestly believe that my job is valid. The fact that I am working and paying taxes means I am a contributing member of society. While my role within the store is not ideal, it is still a job. And, it’s mine. I know that I’m going to be done with retail very soon. I’m a few months away from completing an Associates degree in Paralegal Studies, which will open up some doors. It will allow me the chance to do something more worthwhile. I will feel far more accomplished with the work I can be able to do with this degree.

But, I come back to the job I have now. It’s a job. It’s real. Someone has to do it. That person is me. I am very aware that I am replaceable and an 18 year old can do my job for far less money. The quality of service the 18 year old will provide might not be on the same level as mine, but legally, an 18 year old is allowed to do the same job as me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how we all choose to treat each other. This planet is covered with humans. For the most part, we are a good species of animals. Sure, there are a few humans that are less than favorable; that’s a given.

The words we choose to say to each other and the way we choose to say them are so important in life.

Instead of telling someone that something about them isn’t valid and that they have wasted their life, tell them, “I think you can do better than this, and I hope you find the right motivation to change your environment.” That’s direct without discrediting a person.

Instead of telling someone “you’re feelings are uncalled for and invalid, because you don’t know anything about relationships,” tell them “you are allowed to feel the way you do, however I don’t understand your emotions, and I think we are coming from two different places.” That honors the person’s natural instinct to emote, but clarifies the disagreement or misunderstanding in a respectful way.

I’m no psychologist. I’ve only taken a few undergraduate psychology and sociology classes. But, I’ve read books and I’ve experienced other human beings and I’ve had plenty of relationships, big and small. A few months shy of entering my 35th years, I own the fact that there is a lot about life that I still have to learn. I own the fact that I could have done something big with my life years ago. But, we all have our own journeys. We all approach life differently. For some of us, life seems just a little more difficult.

In a few months, I will be done with my Paralegal AA. In the meantime, I am looking for work. I applied for 12 different positions at a gym franchise. I’m popping in, at least, 8 more tomorrow. Sure, some might say that it is no better than a retail job. But, it is an environment I would rather be in. It is still an honest job. And, the fact I get to work out for free is a bonus. There would be no excuse to work out if I worked at a gym. [Here’s a secret: I kind of want to become a certified personal trainer and become a running coach for women. I used to be a competitive runner for 8 years, and would love to give back through running.]

This is wishful thinking, I know. If I do get a job at a gym, I will be happy to work full time there while I finish my degree. That will allow me to save enough money to start making it on my own. All the while, I will continue my search for administrative legal work, and fine tune selling myself well. Trust me, working at a gym will motivate me to exercise regularly. The more I exercise, the happier I will feel, and the more motivated I will be to become a certified personal trainer. If I do become a personal trainer, I can build my own clientele and schedule. I can work that around administrative legal work.

See, I have a plan. I just wish people would be a little more kind and patient with me. Being told that parts of me aren’t valid hurt, especially when I have spent so long believing my worth always was in the hands of others.

Remember, everyone, only we can determine our own worth. It’s no one else’s choice to tell us how valuable we are. We are all fantastic creatures, who deserve all the happiness in the world. We need to start gifting happiness and love to others to remind each other so.