Act Three: I have this thing with helpless animals who have no one to take care of them. I went to a flea market to get a plant stand and came home with Plant Stand Fail. Whoopsie.

I took Plant Stand Fail for a walk and Trash Can Ninja popped his little dirty unhomed head out from around the trash can he was trying to find something edible in. Oh, crap.

I met this cute guy at a bar with mommy issues and no car an.....oh, I can't even be that mean. Today.

Because today this puppy was hanging out on my cul-de-sac all morning, driving Plant Stand Fail into a braking tizzy of Beagleic proportions. When I left this afternoon to take my kid out for some medicine, it was on the porch, soaking wet, and very happy to see us outside. Mother of Pearl.

I drove away, friends. I want to state that for the record.

And while I was gone, my 12 year old came home and informed me that there was a cute black puppy on the porch.

I told him to go inside and ignore it, friends. I want to state that for the record, too.

I got home from the store and he was outside, giving it some water. I noticed that its hipbones were sticking out a little. I gave it just a little of the giant bag of dogfood I'd just bought. Some so many/others so few. It's not like it's any secret that I'm nothing more than a commie socialist at heart. Blame Canada.

We agreed to walk it around the block, slowly and deliberately, so that the owner would see us and scream at us for stealing their puppy. So we did. My sons walked it for forty minutes, in fact.

When they came back, we agreed to keep the puppy in the back yard until tonight when we could walk it again. After a while in the backyard, the storm-clouds started rolling in and we realized we might just have to being it inside for just a little while tonight while the storm passed, you know?

So we gave it a bath. Just to get it clean enough for my nice couches, mind you. Record, and all.

And when we got to scrubbing it, we realized it A) was slightly more skeleton than a puppy should be and B) had the beginnings of a case of the fleas. So we fed it some more. And then, naturally, we had to get it some flea medication.

And then my boss asked for a picture of it, and I didn't send one for a while, because when you take a picture of a stray dog, that's like signing a pre-nup.

My boss made me do it. I want that on the freaking record. But we aren't naming her, goddamn it. We ARE NOT NAMING HER ANY NAMES LIKE MITTENS OR SHEERA OR MARYANNE JUST SO I CAN CROSS #15 OFF MY LIFE LIST.

And now She Who Must Not Be Named is tired, after a long day of meeting Plant Stand Fail and Trash Can Ninja and basically eating food and being taken care of, so we have to let her come inside for some rest. After all, she's just a helpless puppy.