Estranging parents is a trend that is growing. The pain for the parent is unreal.

There are a lot of theories that run throughout the literature and videos on why it is that adult children seem more willing to judge their parents than ever but, one thing sticks out more than anything else. That is that adult children who have estranged themselves aren’t willing to look within themselves in order to see their own flaws, faults and warts enough to make changes within themselves as well as their own lives. It’s easier to blame, shame and walk away from what they believe is the source(s) of their “discontent”, their parents.

Parents are people too. Don’t judge them lest you be judged too.

it’s likely that I’ll start getting both the hate and name calling comments from those who are estranged adults and have made that choice along with many “buts” that they can add in. I’m convinced that the more these types of adults argue and show their anger and bitterness towards the idea of my sentiments here, the more that they are showing their true colors. In other words, their anger and bitterness are showing through in their comments and are condusive to both mentally and immature people.

Let’s get one thing perfectly straight here first though. I am not talking about truly abusive or negligent parents here. I am talking about those who have done what even therapists/so-called “experts” have said are normal parenting things.

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect and yet, there are a lot of parents out there who are shredding themselves and even getting or have been close to suicide because of the pain that has been created by the estrangement. Does that seem to matter to that adult who has estranged themselves? No, not really or they wouldn’t remain estranged.

More key is the point that Society and others, seem to think that a child’s estrangement must be the fault of the parent(s). In some cases of abuse, neglect etc., that would be possibly true however, there are more and more parents out there whose alleged “crime” is pure either drivel, didn’t exist at all, was written by the now adult child to justify such an action or, estrangement is a punishment that far outweighs the adult child’s allegations against the parent’s “sins”.

Parents age, have feelings and will eventually leave this planet. Should they do so alone? Does it matter?

Take for instance, my own daughter who has made many choices in her life that were accepted and tolerated by her father and I as well as friends and family members even if they were disliked by many and even if her father and I (still married, no substance abuse or fights etc.) agreed to let her explore her choices in spit of not necessarily agreeing with them within ourselves. Her many years now of estrangement are totally unwarranted except for her want to become a chameleon in order to keep a drugged up boyfriend who relishes the idea of being as “high as f**k” most of the day. I’m actually quoting him as he appeared on a lot of social media posts. Unfortunately, in her zeal to please him, she hasn’t fully recognized that he was seeing his family every single day while she had abandoned not only us as her parents but, every member of her distant and close family as well as all of her former friends. Not only that but, we’d all watched her do so with a few other men as well. He wasn’t the only one and each of them had their own bad choices in their lives, carrying them forward until at the least, they grew up and realized that they weren’t heading down a good path for themselves. Our daughter, now ove the age of 36, hasn’t recognized that idea and has instead, estranged from everyone she’s ever known as the boyfriend she lives with, has told her to do so in one way or another. In other words, whether she’s recognized it or not, she’s not only traded us in for him but, she’s “enmeshed” with him so fully now that she’s become a clone of him.

What is clear though is that in all of the times that I’ve tried, tried and tried some more to get her to answer me as to what our evils or mistakes are so that we can apologize if we have done so, she’s been unable to do so. Why? Likely because she has no good reason? I’d be guessing but, her answers were both vague as well as non-answers and certainly, nothing that would justify her having walked out of everyone’s lives like this especially, her father’s and mine.

While many estranged adult “children” can sit back and judge me as well for having said what I’ve said here, I can honestly say that their comments either don’t match our situation or, their situations but, that a lot of what has been said is to justify their choices in estranging from their own parents and it shows to most thinking adults.

If you are the parent of an adult child who has made the choice to estrange from you, take heart that as long as you know that you haven’t been abusive or negligent to or with them, you are amongst a growing cult of “kids” who are judging their parents wrongly. You have no reason to be tearing yourself apart, apologizing to your child for human flaws, faults and warts that can be heaped upon parents by their estranged adult children, nor is there any sense whatsoever in chasing after them because it doesn’t work anyway. Psychologists are now only begining to recognize that adult children who estrange themselves from their families and parents are doing so because they can and they have the ability to judge and justify it all.

Though what I’ve said here cannot take away the pain of estrangement for the parent or grandparent or both, it helps to know that it’s a generational thing that seems to happen when adult children find or feel the right to judge their parents. Of course, they themselves, will likely have to face the idea that they’ve laid out the groundwork and the examples for their own children or future children on how to treat parents. They may even find themselves estranged from their children though they will all claim that they are doing things differently so, that won’t happen to them. Have I got news for them. We all thought the same thing. Every last one of us believed that we were doing better for our little darlings than our parents did to us and, they thought that they were doing differently to their parents, onwards down the line.

Tell me where the blame stops? Is it 50 generations back? Do we blame our parents and they blame their parents and so on? How far does the blame game go or, do these estranged adults think that they are the only generation who has had it so bad that they can judge, label and walk away?

From my little corner of life to yours, may you hold your children dear but, also realize that one day, as they grow up, this could be your situation as well. It’s not necessarily a foreign idea as none of us ever thought that it would happen to us. May you be blessed with understanding adults who judge you as a good parent. After all, it is up to them anyway how they think of you or what they think. Either that, or it’s up to a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend or net group.

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3 thoughts on “Don’t Judge Others”

I love what you write and so do the members of my support group for estranged parents. I have sent them links to your blog, and they have remarked that your words help them. Keep up the good work.
From another estranged mom.