Lifestyle reporter

Business class passengers want babies banned from the pointy end of the plane, when it's really people like me that need to be restricted.

While many Canadian travellers pin the maple leaf to their luggage, I should be made to affix one of those hideous yellow "[Business Class] Baby On Board" signs to my person.

I, along with a number of other young people keen to see the world fresh out of high school, cut my traveller teeth by scraping together foreign currency on the floor of European airports and using other questionable modes of transport like train hopping and hitch hiking to get around.

Now, nearing 30, it dawned on me – as I sat down in seat 1K and was handed a glass of French fizz – I have no idea how to behave in business class.

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I'm the Basil Fawlty of luxury travel (plus ovaries, minus any mentions of the war).

Born and raised with a silver teaspoon in my mouth, I was treated to memorable family holidays that, at one time involved a boarding pass, however preparing for take-off last week was a lampoon of National Lampoon's Vacations.

When the lovely air hostess asked, "Ms Clarke may I help you with your bag?" I stopped with 7 kilograms above my head and swung around to see if my mum was onboard.

Once settled in my seat, with so much leg room I could've stowed away Snow White and all of her dwarves, I let out a little squawk of excitement as I was loaded up with presents – a cashmere blanket, bed socks, La Prairie goodness for my face and a sleeping mask.

After I nudged the gentleman who had the misfortune of sitting next to me and winked, a "how good is this?!" wink and he rolled his eyes for the 25th time before we left the tarmac, the safety video came on.

I may not know much about aerodynamics or Pan Am type elegance, but I do know that I was onboard an airline renowned for their creative in-flight safety messages.

Cue Richard Simmons, cue spandex, cue All Blacks and cue body paint.

After I let out a giggle, which I haven't released since my primary school crush Wayne held my hand on school camp, Mr Professional Passenger pulled on his ear phones, ordered a "jun and tonuc" and a scoured a copy of The Wolf of Wall Street.

I usually don't like to eat at 30,000 feet (my dietary intolerances deny me the pleasure) however when linen napkins, stainless steel cutlery and appetizers that didn't come in a sealed bag were dished up by the lady who continually referred to me as "Ms Clarke" not the "the whingeing Aussie in row 52", my heart soared.

Soared until I couldn't find nor assemble my dining tray.

By that stage even the air hostesses were rolling their eyes and begging the three doctors sitting in the cabin to slip me a sedative.

Dining tray debacle sorted, I was like the cat that got the proverbial cream after five courses which included the words "ratatouille", "bacon mousseline" and "spiced cherry compote".

I soon found out these dishes were created especially for the Perth to Auckland flight by the kiwi version of MasterChef's Gary and George.

The lights were dimmed and it was time to rest but it wasn't until the hosties were asked to prepare the cabin for landing at our destination that I realised the seats in business class actually recline.

Don't even ask me about the movies that were shown on the flight, I couldn't find my LCD screen that was tucked safely away next to me.

Even though I have crowsfeet, I felt like the child terror that business class travellers complain about.

Am I the only person who doesn't know business class etiquette? Do you learn that somewhere?

After embarking the aircraft, the flight attendants looked at my dishevelled appearance, which was akin to economy-class-midnight-horror type travel, smiled and said "we hope to see you again soon Ms Clarke".

Now with my business class virginity well and truly gone I now fear I'm in travel purgatory.

I don't fit in at the front of the plane, however cattle class could be tougher than drug free childbirth – the food, the "wake up smoothie", leg room and smiling faces are worth the extra moolah to me now.

Apart from any Ralph Fiennes type behaviour, do you have any humiliating travelling stories? What's your take on business verses economy? Do you have any aeroplane rituals?

Jenna Clarke was hosted by Air New Zealand and travelled to Auckland via the new Seats to Suit package. For more information head to www.airnewzealand.com.au.

13 comments so far

It's just etiquette, plain and simple.

You could have politefully asked the crew to demonstrate your seat, they are there to serve you. It's exactly the same in cattle class coincidently, but nobody seems to care much for manners these days

Commenter

Ailie

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 11:13AM

I thought the person behind me in business class was kicking my seat... Turns out the seat had a massage function... I also didn't touch any of the awesome goodies because I thought you might have to pay for them... It's all too much if you ask me but then, like you, I feel going back to cattle class would be hell... They need a purgatory class for people like us...

Commenter

Lions85

Location

Perth

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 12:26PM

The curse of the cashed-up bogan.

Commenter

elbows-off-the-table

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 1:18PM

The only time I got to fly near the pointy end, I was told that all it meant, was that I didn't have to hold the chickens.

Commenter

Farmer

Location

Outside of North Richmond

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 1:50PM

Business class (as with so many other luxury items) has become the domain of the common folk. I remember when people were very well behaved in this part of the plane and even staff using travel benefits were told to dress very well if they hoped to be upgraded. As first class starts to disappear from many airlines, what hope will we have, maybe the private jet business is about to go through a boom period.

Commenter

Noel

Location

Sydney

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 2:21PM

About 8 years ago I broke my pelvis mountain biking in Victoria. After a 2 month hospital stayl, I had to fly back to Perth.

I got upgraded to Business class because I couldn't sit in a normal seat, as I couldn't bend very well. Someone forgot to tell the air hostess this fact, and when preparing for landing she reached over and pressed the button to putmyy seat upright. By the expletives I let out she will think twice before doing that next time.

Commenter

Tomatso

Location

Perth

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 4:36PM

The great travelling masses probably think I'm a weirdo - but I still treat flying as an occasion (and I have done plenty of miles, both for business and pleasure)As such, I dress as if I'm going to a nice restaurant. Collared shirt, trousers, shoes - nothing over the top - but smartly dressed nonetheless. And this goes for flying in cattle class too.I'm a dying breed - nowadays it seems like 99% of my fellow travellers couldn't give a stuff, and I'm always surrounded in a sea of singlets & thongs.My theory is that people's behaviour and manners generally match their wardrobe (or lack of) - and nowhere is this more apparent than on a plane...(by the way - I'm in my mid 30's, not my late 80's ^_^)

Commenter

SVB

Location

Fremantle, WA

Date and time

November 18, 2011, 7:15PM

Next time you travel in Business check out the airlines website before you leave as they usually will show you how the seats work. Otherwise ask the air hostess to show you, it's part of their job!I've never worried what other people think when I'm in business just as long as I get a nice comfy seat and good food.

Commenter

Emma

Location

London

Date and time

November 20, 2011, 2:30AM

@Noel You are an elitest snob. Maybe those of us riding in cattle class should be tattooed in the waiting lounge so you can avoid us there too. To be honest I find the manners of people like you to be questionable, not those of the "common folk".

Commenter

Hawthorn Local

Location

Jeremy

Date and time

November 21, 2011, 1:05PM

Once you've flown long-haul business class you'll never want to return to the horrors of the cattle van at the back.

For flying, I dress and behave as I would for a date at a two-hat restaurant. This gets me occasionally upgraded to First, gets you more respectful treatment at customs, and the cabin crew are extra friendly.