A man at the lumber yard accidentally shears off his fingers.He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."The man replies, "I haven't got the fingers."The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery. I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?"The man replies, "I couldn't fucking pick them up!"

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A couple were in a busy shopping center just after Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do?" He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked upů "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. "Well I am in the bike shop next door to that."

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to f..k off and buy my own.

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!
I'll f..k their boyfriends.

Because of my obsession with ladders, I joined Ladders Anonymous.
I am on their twelve step programme.

I've told you a million times, I never exaggerate.

Slept like a baby last night.
I kept waking up every few hours to suck on some titties.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank . . . the dwarf."

Woke up this morning in the Police station with a right hangover. I must stop drinking when I'm on duty.