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Strange things have been going on today with my relationship with this web-site:

First, when I tried to preview one post, I kept getting a message that polyamory.com was unaccessible.

Then, when I typed in polyamory.com in the URL field at the top of the window and tried accessing that way, I was directed to some commercial site that uses the word polyamory arbitrarily to sell their services - nothing to do with this site OR polyamory (I suppose). But having just read that this site is owned by somebody who doesn't post here (but whose permission is needed to make important changes), I wondered if - by amazing coincidence - I had been caught at exactly the time when said owner had sold the site name to a commercial concern. (An artist friend of mine who didn't renew her web-site contract in time found it being used as a porno site.)

Next, I found that a comment I did manage to post successfully subsequently disappeared (with no trace on the thread page nor in my file of comments that I'd posted)... and then reappeared again some time later.

And now I find that a comment I posted on this thread has also disappeared without trace.

Hence the title: in case it, too, should mysteriously reappear.

Luckily, I've kept a Word document copy of it and can paste it in here exactly as I posted it originally. (Well, I have edited one minor detail and added one smiley.)

[A quiet word to the site moderators: If I am on some kind of probation here, and every comment I post is going to disappear into some Internet limbo until it's deemed fit to print, I would appreciate being informed of the fact... and being informed of the reason for your mistrust of me.]

So here is my comment again (please forgive if it's repeated):

Annabel, you're an inspiration! I think that this is my favourite thread on the board... and I'll admit to feeling a tad (more than a tad) disappointed that you hadn't added anything the last few times I made it into town to catch up on Internet stuff. Please don't take that as criticism!

It's difficult to know what to advise when we don't know the people concerned. And anyway, I don't want to advise. I just want to throw in some thoughts that occur to me, and you can decide if they're worth picking up or if they're right off-keel. (Mixed metaphors are my speciality.)

Thought 1: You have sex with Gia sometimes without Eric, no? Is it not conceivable that on the odd occasion you, she, and the child will be cramping each other's style in this camping thingie (I'm curious: I assume it isn't a tent?) without Eric?

Thought 2: I'm happy for you that you spoke up. You're so right when you say: "I'm pretty sure that the pain I felt from not even *asking* for what I wanted was worse than just getting gently denied would have been." (And I think that that's going to apply to telling Eric that you love him: the worrying about it beforehand is going to be worse than the actual telling - or his reaction. From everything that you've written so far, I'd say that he loves you - maybe not in a sexual way, but if you don't obsess on that detail... If he says something that wounds you, I'm handing back my tin "honorary grandmother" badge!)

Thought 3: Hey! I hope that you let Eric down gently when you turned down his invitation after the party! Maybe he's wandering about in a funk: "Why did she reject me?!"

Thought 4: Quote: "you're spending all of your time and energy on something that's not going anywhere!"All of your time and energy??? Wot about Harry? You need to take some classes in obsession if you want to do it right!

Thought 5: I think you've worked out a good, simple declaration of love for Eric.

Thought 6: [If you want, you can] tell Eric and Gia from me that if they deserve somebody like you... they must be pretty wonderful!

Thought 7: Pay attention to the 4th quote in my signature. (New since the last time I commented here.)

__________________If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.

- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence

The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.

- old Chinese proverb

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

It occurs to me why the last comment might have been erased by moderators:

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight

Thought 1: You have sex with Gia sometimes without Eric, no? Is it not conceivable that on the odd occasion you, she, and the child will be cramping each other's style in this camping thingie (I'm curious: I assume it isn't a tent?) without Eric?

By a very wild stretch of the imagination, this might be considered an allusion to sex with minors. OMG! Nothing further from the truth! It might have been less ambiguous if I'd written "You've spent the night with Gia sometimes without Eric, no?" but I gather that this [just the 2 of them spending the whole night together] is not the case.

I merely meant that Gia and Annabel have had quality "just the girls together" time together, and this might extend to times - even camping trips? - with the coming baby when Eric's not there. And the "cramping each other's style" refers to Annabel's comment that the camping thingie they built was rather small for 2 adults and a baby. Unfortunate juxtaposition of words, nothing more.

Somehow, explaining that calls attention to something that wasn't there in the first place... but I honestly can't imagine any other reason for that comment's being deleted.

__________________If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.

- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence

The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.

- old Chinese proverb

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Sometimes sites are just buggy. What you said about the website being inaccessible makes me think it's not you, because I don't think the mods could do that. But whether it was a hiccup of the interwebs or whether it was something to do with the moderators, I'm sorry you've been having so many difficulties!

Thoughts on your thoughts --

Thought 1: Very rarely, actually. The two of them are very close, and almost all of our sex has been with all three of us participating. Gia and I have fooled around when Eric hasn't been present, and there was one night when he was out of town on a business trip and I stayed over with her and spent the night. But they just don't like to sleep apart if they can avoid it. So, it's possible but unlikely. And no, it wasn't a tent, but I don't want to go into details that could potentially identify anyone.

Thought 2: You're right about almost all of this. But, for the record, Eric and I have shared "sexual love" plenty of times before (see above). My guess is that he certainly feels affection for me, maybe even loves me as a friend, *maybe* even as something more than that... but I highly doubt that his feelings are at the level as mine. But hey, who can claim to know the secret workings of the mind of another? Not I, certainly.

Thought 3: Could be.

Thought 4: Ha! You're right, I was totally exaggerating there. In addition Gia/Eric and Harry there's the other "good strong secondary relationship with a male friend and a few casual sexual partners" that I mentioned in my first post. I'm certainly not lacking in connections to occupy my thoughts and attention.

Ah, the emotional rollercoaster. You're feeling calm and centered, ready to coast along for a little while, and suddenly something cah-raaazy happens.

Earlier this week, Gia's doctor insisted that she go to the ER and she grudgingly agreed even though she was sure nothing was really wrong. She and Eric ended up stuck there all day.

The next day, I saw Eric's post on a social networking site about the experience. He said that she was fine and the baby was fine and that she was resting but didn't go into much other detail. So there I was, staring at the screen trying to process the idea that my pregnant girlfriend was in the ER for an entire day and I hadn't known about it. I was shocked and hurt. I felt like I must not be important to her. I wanted to contact her and just vent. I resisted the urge and let her rest.

I went about my day feeling all kinds of fucked up inside. On a regular basis, waves of low, sick heat rolled through my stomach. The fact that I knew that she was fine made it manageable.

I caught up with Eric online that afternoon and told him how important it was to me to be informed if something like that ever happened again. He told me that he would remember that, but that he couldn't promise anything and that it wouldn't necessarily be on his priority list in a crisis. I appreciated his honesty (as I always do), even while it stung (like it always does).

That night I went to their house for my regular date night with Gia. Eric had told Gia about me being upset, and the first thing she did was bring the subject up and apologize. We ended up having a two hour long conversation, sharing what we'd each been through and talking about our different communication styles.

She told me a few important things -- that it had not been a genuine medical emergency, that she gets anxious when she knows people are worrying about her, and that she had had no cell phone reception while it was happening and no desire to communicate with people afterwards. She told me that she would always reach out if she thought she could use my help. She also said that she wouldn't even have told *Eric* what was happening if she hadn't needed to, and that did more to make me feel better than I would have guessed it would. I told her that, while her needs in a crisis would always take priority, I needed to know when major things were happening, even if I just got a quick, reassuring text after the fact, and that finding out via a social networking site was *not* ok.

An interesting wrinkle was that Eric was in the room or in the next room the entire time. He spoke up very little, just worked on dinner and did stuff on the computer while Gia and I hashed things out. Normally he would have been at class, but I suppose he stayed home to make sure Gia was ok. During the course of the conversation, I had to let myself be really vulnerable -- I was visibly upset, my voice and hands shook at various points. It was odd being so emotional in front of him, but it meant something to me that he just let it all happen and didn't seem discomfited by seeing me in that state.

In the end, I felt very positive about the whole thing. Emotions were high on both sides, but Gia and I really listened to one another and stayed calm. She agreed to make an exception to her normal way of doing things for me, and to do her best to keep me in the loop if something like that should ever happen again. It meant so much to know she did all of that emotional work with me because she knew that I really needed it, even though she was still getting over a tiring, painful and very frustrating experience.

After the big conversation was finally over, the three of us had dinner and watched a movie. Eric lent me a book. We hung out on their bed and I felt the baby move.

It's a weird thing to say, but it actually feels kind of good, now that it's over anyway, to go through an emotional crisis with my partner and come out the other side. In working it out, we show that we both have the power to affect one another deeply, and that we wield that power responsibly and compassionately. I DON'T want to go through anything like that again anytime soon, but in a strange way a crisis makes the relationship become real in a way that is different from when everything is smooth and quiet, or when the only conflicts are ones I'm dealing with internally. And when everything slides back into place afterwards and we can be relaxed and happy together, we see how resilient our relationship really is.

Gia and I had our regular date night tonight and it was very good to see her, good to talk and laugh and hang out. But physical intimacy beyond hugs and a few kisses here and there? Just not on the table right now.

I've worked hard to bank the fire of my passion for her and just deal with the fact that we haven't been sexual since October. I know that it's because of the pregnancy... she felt both love and lust for me once and she feels love for me now... I have to trust and hope that the lust part will come back at some point. But in the meanwhile it gets hard to want and not have, to feel set aside when it comes to this aspect of our connection.

What if she doesn't ever want me again the way I want her? I don't know how I would deal with it, I don't know if I could still be a partner to her.

There's no use trying to predict the future, and I'm not going anywhere for the time being, so I know I just need to suck it up. I'm seeing this through, even if my desire to strip off her clothes and gently touch her all over drives me crazy sometimes.

Interestingly, I've found that other lovers only help in that they are pleasant and welcome distractions. In addition to occupying my time while I'm with them, they give me something to think about when my mind is idle. But when I'm actually with Gia, the amount that I want her has nothing to do with anyone or anything else but her.

It's a weird thing to say, but it actually feels kind of good, now that it's over anyway, to go through an emotional crisis with my partner and come out the other side. In working it out, we show that we both have the power to affect one another deeply, and that we wield that power responsibly and compassionately. I DON'T want to go through anything like that again anytime soon, but in a strange way a crisis makes the relationship become real in a way that is different from when everything is smooth and quiet, or when the only conflicts are ones I'm dealing with internally. And when everything slides back into place afterwards and we can be relaxed and happy together, we see how resilient our relationship really is.

Too right! How can you know that you'll safely weather the storms if all your days so far are sunny?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

She told me that she would always reach out if she thought she could use my help.

That's lovely! I've just been spending 1/4 hour searching Internet for a quote of Antoine de Saint-Exupery's. It's not one of his most famous quotes nor is it in "The Little Prince", but I can't remember which book it is from, and because my memory's not exact, I'm not finding it. But the gist is this:

It is easy to do someone a favour: people do them all the time. But it takes real friendship to ask a favour. When the 'phone rings in the middle of the night and the voice says: "Please help. I need you.", how the heart gladdens! Then we know that this is really a friend.

__________________If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.

- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence

The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.

- old Chinese proverb

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

I've worked hard to bank the fire of my passion for her and just deal with the fact that we haven't been sexual since October. I know that it's because of the pregnancy... she felt both love and lust for me once and she feels love for me now... I have to trust and hope that the lust part will come back at some point. But in the meanwhile it gets hard to want and not have, to feel set aside when it comes to this aspect of our connection.

Have you talked to her about this? It's not uncommon for the sex drive to shift gears and even dissapear during pregnancy. We also go through completely irrational stages where we don't want anyone to see our bodies, because we are afraid they will think we're ugly. If you haven't discussed this with her you should. She may need just as much reassurance and doesn't know how to ask for it.