Resources, personal stories, communication techniques, and strategies for survivors of sexual abuse who are ready to break free from the past and return to their genuine self.

November 14, 2012

Increasing Harmony & Meaning in Your Relationships

Hi all, This week, we have the final post fromguest blogger, Tahil Gesyuk. It's been so great learning from this masterful coach. Enjoy!---

How to support a relationship to transcend the sum of its parts?

When we relate with
others we typically take turns supporting one another. This in turn leads to
mutual respect and deepening of connection. In the early stages of connection
when we can't show up for each other, an effort is needed to reconnect from
lack of momentum of early relating. This momentum vacillates to such a velocity
that it transcends the two and gives birth to a third. This third entity has an
identity that both partners contributed to and in its transcendent state it
contributes back. This article is about how to develop and nurture this
transcendence between the couple and how to relate to its contributions.

Timing

If you look at how we relate from a bird’s eye view, you would see
us connecting and disconnecting in rhythmic patterns, sometimes speeding up,
sometimes slowing down. The more sense of harmony and resonance you feel with
one another, the better timing you have.

There are three ways to increase harmony and resonance: Expansive
Cues, Contractive Cues, and Presence.

The first part of understanding timing is Expansive Cues, they are
the signals to connect.

Expansive Non-verbal Cues...

A deep breath is taken

Body relaxes

Facial expressions match emotional space

Posture opens (arms and legs uncross and general leaning in and
nodding of head in acknowledgement)

(Note our culture is often not well versed in expressive vocabulary,
thus it is good to be well versed in expansive cues and tones of speech and
non-verbal cues of body language.)

The better we get at
reading and spotting expansive cues the better timing we will have with our
ability to connect. It will become smoother, more efficient, and it will feel
effortless—no different than taking a deep breath.

The second part of timing is knowing and understanding contractive
cues, because they let us know when it is time to disconnect or time to leave.

Contractive
Non-Verbal Cues...

Breath shortens

Body tightens

Face expression is not matching the emotional space shared

Posture pulls in (arms crossed, legs cross, and general sense of
leaning away)

Fidgeting: it could be increased movement like ants in pants or twirling
hair or chewing on straw

Contractive Verbal
Cues...

Pitch gets higher

Speed of talking increases

Short concise answers that are not open ended

As we get better at
reading these contractive and expansive cues, we become better at connecting
and disconnecting with good timing and natural rhythm to have more opportunity to
drop into transcendent space with our partners.

The third piece in
timing in relationship is presence.

Presence is that harmonic space between contractive and expansive
cues. Where you feel like you have entered your own private room with your
partner as if the rest of the world has disappeared and you and your partner
are linked. It feels like time stands still.

Presence Non-Verbal Cues...

Act of mirroring. You tend to mimic each other’s body movement.
This links up your nervous system and a variety of chemical reactions to create
a unified almost altered intimacy of connection. It is the body language of
bonding.

There is a tendency to increase eye contact and have extended
periods of maintaining its length together.

Breathing links and harmonizes together with your partner.

Senses of touch, sight become more active, while the other senses
tend to drop away.

Presence Verbal Cues...

Voices tend to harmonize

There is a capacity to finish each other’s words and thoughts, and
sense of what they are going to say next

There is a tendency for a greater capacity to communicate without
words, using tones, grunts, sighs, etc.

When presence meets
presence, transcendence occurs and births something greater than the sum of the
two.

Expansive cues let us know the person is approachable; contractive
cues let us know they are not. There are some things that need to be understood
first. Many of these cues happen unconsciously. The more conscious you become
the less likely you will misread and others misread you.

Taking Turns

Often taking turns is a missing function of connection. And it has
to do with understanding power dynamics. In order to have healthy flow and
rhythm with one another to transcend, we need to be able to give and receive.
Some people are better at giving, other people are better at receiving. When we
relate with one another, one of the fundamental things that needs to be
understood is how our strengths and challenges around giving and receiving are
matched with one another. Taking turns reveals those challenges and
strengths to us.

As a couple gets more conscious in taking turns of giving and
receiving, they will naturally notice and take roles in what fits their
strengths or challenge as they connect. This is how partnerships and ally
relationships develop.

For the sake of this article, to develop a transcendence, I
recommend setting aside time where the roles are reversed. If you feel strong
in receiving and feel challenged in giving, take the role of the giver and have
your partner take the role of the receiver. This creates a muscle in empathy
and understanding that is needed for the foundation of transcendence to occur.

Partnering in the Unknown

Partnering in the unknown is how we relate to something greater
than ourselves to the world around us. The more we experience presence meeting
presence, we enter into the room together where the world disappears, the more
facility we have to function in the unknown together. It is those moments in
time where time stops and presence meets presence; something gets developed
there that gives us a sense of trust as a couple to face the unknown.

The more we develop a relationship to our relationship, the more
we get to reap the rewards of those moments in time where our connection bares
the fruit of our poignant union.

The better we develop
timing, taking turns, and partnering in the unknown, our ability to transcend
and be supported in our relationship, even when we cannot show up for each other,
greatly increases. It has its own momentum, its own knowledge, and dare I say,
its own identity.

*************************************
Tahil
has a passion for bringing love, connection,and health into people’s
lives. With over 15 solid years of coaching experience, he is committed
to bringing forth the radiance in each human being. As the director of
the Intimacy Forum, Tahil Gesyuk is dedicated to teaching you the
language of creating extraordinary relationships that impact the world
in a loving and effective way.The
Intimacy Forum produces events and trainings around affection and
connection, bringing a unique synthesis of full sensory and full body
learning around *Heart-intimacy*, connection and affection.