TITLE: Dear John
SPOILER STATEMENT: all things
RATING: PG
CONTENT STATEMENT: Sexual innuendo. Parody. MSR. Sc/O. M/O.
CLASSIFICATION: VRH
SUMMARY: post-ep for "all things" Time to start scratching names out of
those little black books.
THANKS: To Narida, for the quick readthrough.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I suppose at some point I'll manage to address the many serious
issues raised in this episode. But this is the first thing that popped into my
head. ;)
Dear John
by Brandon D. Ray
Mulder paced nervously back and forth through his partner's living room as she
dialed the phone for the fifth time. *Her* fifth time, that is; he'd dialed it
four times, himself.
This was taking a lot longer than he'd expected it to take, back when he first
suggested the idea. He'd thought it would be quick and easy; just a few phone
calls, and that'd be it. But he hadn't counted on the people they were calling
raising such a fuss.
He also hadn't counted on Scully having such a long list of people to call.
"Hello, John; it's me ... Yes, that's right, 'Scully FBI' ...."
Mulder gritted his teeth, and tried to be grateful that she at least had managed
to reach the man.
"Well," she was saying, "actually, that *is* why I'm calling, in a way. You
see, I'm going to have to cancel on you ... No, not just for next weekend -- for
good." She held the phone away from her ear for a moment, then brought it back
again. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't feel I have any choice. You see, I'm with
Mulder now ... Yes, just last night." She paused again, and rolled her eyes.
"Why do you men always have to ask that question? ... Well, if you must know,
yes, he's very, um, adequate."
//Adequate??//
"No, John, I'm not going to say any more than that ... No, I'm *not* ... If it's
any consolation, Walter and Alex were just as devastated as you are ... Yes, and
Melvin, too." She sighed, and rolled her eyes again. "Well, for heaven's sake,
I had to call *someone* first ... I'm sorry you feel that way, but at least
we'll still have our memories, right? Yes, and the videos, too."
Mulder realized that he was standing still, staring at his partner intently; now
he started pacing again. Jesus; this was going to take *forever*.
"No," Scully said after another moment. "No, I'd never done it on horseback
before, either. See? There are some happy memories in there .... Yes, and the
time with the licorice whips, too. I liked that a lot." Scully made a face,
and Mulder realized he was staring again, but this time he couldn't make himself
stop. Licorice whips? "Look, John, I have to go ... Yes, I really am sorry,
but that's life, I guess. All things happen for a reason ... Goodbye, John."
Scully hit the DISCONNECT button, and practically threw the phone at her
partner. "Your turn," she said briefly.
"Shit, do I have to?" Mulder suddenly remembered that there were things worse
than listening to Scully place *her* calls.
"This was your idea, Mulder," she said flatly. "*You're* the one who insisted
on monogamy."
"But, Scully -- you heard what *Phoebe* was like. This next one's *really* got
a temper!"
"You should have thought of that *before* you made this suggestion. Now quit
stalling."
Mulder sighed, and dialed the number -- one of many he knew by heart. It was
answered on the third ring.
"Hello?" he said cautiously. "Bambi? I'm afraid I've got some bad news --"
Fini