Most venerable and esteemed ninjas: one of my many arch-nemesis is up for auction! Be forewarned–the next owner of this fire-breathing, car-eating R0b0t dinosaur will be, as per agreement, subject to R0b0tninja preemptive attack. The last time I fought this bastard, it had ate the back half of my 1999 subaru outback while I was in the store buying a blunt. I just ran in for like…five seconds, and I come out to see this R0b0saurus ass nigga eating all on my whip. I beat him down hard, but not before he ate like half my ride up.

Now, I know that the R0b0tninja seldom breaches the topics of Robots and pro-audio, but I must make an exception: Ninja Gaiden Sigma is the most accurate depiction of a R0b0tninja’s lifestyle that I have seen thus far. The Hagakure, the Book of Five Rings, the Tao: all of these have attempted to give a framework for the robotic pan-asiatic ninja warrior’s mindset. So far, unfortunately, none have correctly depicted our skill sets as aptly as the latest Ninja Gaiden, released for the completely ridiculous and financially unfeasible PS3 game console prefecture.

In the latest installment in a series that, like all true Robotninjas, began life as an 8-bit rendering, you play as Ryu, a ninja (and possible robot–it takes place in the future), who somehow begins his journey in ancient Japan. His village is destroyed by a black samurai (with a purple cape, so, not just black, but also clearly Black). In revenge, he explodes the black samurai’s blimp after first exploding a grotesque cyborg that shoots lightening. It gets better.

You take the time to learn ninja magic, wield multiple swords, and to use the numchucks (spelled here in their original ancient pronunciation). Infiltrating the black samurai’s block in, what I assume is some kind of ninja city, you spend most of your time killing shit, like soldiers on motorcycles with rocket-launchers. This may be the first game to make decapitation a matter of such little concern, as you literally murderate everything you come in contact with.

Gamespot gave this game a 9 overall, but I would have to give it a 999–as a ninja and robot, I am always talking to my robotninja colleagues about the lack of fair and accurate portrayals of our kind in the media. People are always going on about our deadliness and limited applications in the “real world”, where instant decapitation isn’t always an option. It’s nice to finally see some fair and balanced representation, where our sometimes inappropriate needs for vengeance and ninja-magic are finally given a chance to be understood. If you don’t mind shelling out like 500 dollars for a PS3, and then another 60 bucks for the game, by all means, see the world through my eyes, if only for a moment: you will never be disappointed.

Reason 4 is out now myninjas–and you know what kind of mythological beasts it employs in its everyday workings. Combined with a new arpeggiator, groove module, and midi sequencer, Reason 4 promises to elevate minds, educate the children and motivate the masses. All hyperbole aside, humanity may have just given birth to yet another tool that could ultimately lead to its destruction, like artificial intelligence or the military industrial complex. R0b0tninjas worldwide unite–only through self-mastery and enhanced understandings of Reason will light burn through the darkness and the balance of the universe be maintained. As I would say.

For any ninjas seeking to bone up on their orchestral composing skills, myninjas at Audio Impressions have developed a software/hardware midi orchestra called REALTIME STRINGS that allows you to do just that. While there are many orhcestral sample banks and midi instruments available, never before has such an apex in sound quality (192 khz samples, full dynamic and expressive range, Stradivarius violin recordings, etc.) been reached, nor at such an intuitively correct level. From the site:

Because each stand is sampled separately, you can change the size of your string ensemble, for example, from a solo to a quartet, a chamber group or a 70-piece symphonic string section and anything in between. This ability to select and de-select players on-the-fly without loading new samples is a breakthrough. While it might seem complex to use, in fact controlling a DVZÂ®-RT string section (or any part of the REALTIME INSTRUMENTS libraries) is very simple; each players (or desks) MIDI channeling is handled internally so the end user never has to be concerned with it.

The R0b0tninja himself does not care for classical ensemble music, which he finds crude and offensive. Nonetheless, he is intrigued by this architecture–rather than allowing users to muddy-up their sound by playing too many instruments at once with too many voices, realtime strings divides the notes between virtual players, simulating what an actual orchestra might sound like. Undoubtedly, most of myninjas will be defeated by the $12,000 price tag and $3,500 deposit. But for any true ninja disciple that is also a robot, the only price you’ll ever really pay is in death. R0b0tninja bless.

Now that you have been given so much sonic ammo, you ask, what weapon do I use to unleash them, my R0b0tninja? How could I possibly utilize a site with endless drumloops and samples, if I have no arena in which to detonate them simultaneously?

Well, the answer to your question, my ninja-padewan learner, is many-faceted in nature, as recent global events have triggered a massive outpouring of DAWs for you to choose from. Logic, Pro tools, Reason, Cakewalk, Digital Performer, Acid music, Cubase…a ninja can go on. Out of all of these possibilities, however, only one rises to the top of the R0b0tninja’s milk–a quickly growing firm named Ableton, whose program, LIVE, provides the most powerful ass-blasting technology known to r0b0tninja-kind.

Recently a certain japanese robotics lab developed a new form of robot sentinel, the nemisis of all robot-ninjakind. Taken alongside the recent developments in Spain, outsiders to the world of ninjas and robots can almost catch a glimpse of their near future, which is of course, the robot-ninja’s present. Witness the physical prowess of this beast of the apocalypse and imagine two high-calibur, laser-beam assault-rifles on top of it–that’s the kind of shit I’m generally expected to manhandle in the course of my robot-ninja day.

So my good friends over at propellerhead software, makers of the popular Reason DAW, have sent me the newest version of their software, Reason 4, for beta testing. Propellerhead has made some serious upgrades to an already fearsome music production and synthesis program, and as you well know, the R0b0t ninja fears no programing but the deadliness of his own…

For those of you familiar with the new features in Reason 4, you already know that the son of Odin has come down from Asgard in the form of a digital instrument of god-like musical destruction. Indeed, the newest synthesizer added to the Reason rack is a powerful electromagnetic storm unto itself.
First of all, the digital Thor holds three hammers (or oscillators), instead of one, each capable of blasting its own form of light (about 5 different waveforms for each slot, including analog modeling and phase modulation). Thor also wields a tri-force of frequency mods (including one graphic formant filter), and LFOs.
Yea, beneath the surface there is more to behold: Thor can channel up to four external mono audio sources, each of which can be rerouted to any other part of the instrument. Lo, this routing can be accomplished via an intuitive patch bay located towards the bottom of His Interface. Indeed, Thor can reroute any of His internal machinations to any other, through a mystical process that causes my own R0b0t ninja circuits to resonate with power.
Below this, one will find the handle to Mojilner, the step sequencer, which can dictate anything from pitches and gates (notes and midi actions) to effects and signal processing. Like the Matrix combined with the Maelstrom, Thor embodies the 16 step progression as a sequencer and a sound sculptor. Remember, the patch-bay can reroute any signal inside Thor’s divine construction. This sequencer can simultaneously trigger and affect any filter mod, or LFO available.
Or effects processing—Thor also possesses a delay and a chorus effect, which, and I cannot stress this enough, can be rerouted elsewhere around the Norse god’s magnificent form. Make sure you can handle the implications of Thor’s sonic magnitude before you reach for that skyhammer though–your ear drums and neighbors will forever be in your silent debt, their houses left standing.
For the power of Thor is not to be trifled with—and those of you using Reason as a slave should know that Protools, Logic and Live are endlessly blessed by this sonic demonslayer. Thor repels the forces of darkness, seeking only to bathe its enemies in His divine light. As far as synthesizers go, Thor provides even the novice synth user with a powerful arsenal of asgardian power. Have no other god besides Him. Praise Odin.
But Reason allows us to have Thors beside Thors, duplicate deux ex machina in triplicate, if you wish. The only limit to the creation of these Gods of Thunder is your own twisted mind and processor–there’s nothing stopping you from cloning Thor endlessly to create entire thundergod squadrons, if you will. Thanks to Reason’s, at times unreasonable architecture, you can feel free to roam the realms of additive synthesis until the big bang reverses and spacetime is born once again. Such is the power of the one true Thundergod.
And let me tell you: as a robot who is also a ninja, I can’t tell you how often I needed but didn’t have the powers of several thundergods. Ordinary R0b0t ninja tactics, while effective, are not suited for god-battling. With the cosmic strength of a digital Thor at one’s side, the sun shines for you and you alone.
Nevertheless, the wonders of Reason 4 continue on, and therefore so must I. For you see, every week I will focus on other aspects of Reason 4 until it is finally released into the mortal realm. All praise due,R0b0tNinja

As CEO of R0b0tr0nics LTD., I am pleased to announce the development of the R0b0tninja interweb-log. The R0b0tNinja does battle on many levels, not the least of which includes pro audio technology. His programming is the realest–like the ninja of old, except that he’s half black. And a robot. It’s ok though, cause the R0b0tNinja feels just as comfortable in the depths of space as it does in the center of the Earths. And after unleashing a literal solar storm of digital audio, he feels free to kick it on levels from the astronomical to the geopolitical. But enough! He is programmed to speak for himself. Bertron, CEO

Indeed, many a government agent under my surveillance has caught the sun’s wrath–unfortunately, I can’t make a move without my R0b0tNinja Shogun’s direct command.
Anyway, here is a clip from my latest flick featuring me, the R0b0tNinja, as its main character. I haven’t had a chance to peep it, but I’m confident that the director I hired was right for the job. If it fails to impress you, death will be his only reward.

R0b0tr0n offers exciting new careers in such fields as: multi-dimensional bomb- droppery, advanced turbonics, logistical metaphysics and diamond robotics. Come see which robots are right for you! Act now