After the triumph of last week’s episode, it was hard to wait for the next installment with our new trio. Are they coming together as a family? Are they taking turns baby burping? Are the dominos still falling? This week’s episode gave us some precious background on the new resident vampire and offered even more by way of hysterical day-in-the-life minutiae.

Well, you honestly didn’t think that house was paid for, did you?

SPOILERS.

It’s England in 1855. We see Fergus, the cop vampire from present day, terrorizing a maid in some mansion, warning her about one of his fellow undeads and how women drive the guy crazy. He says his other companions are afraid of this vampire but he’s not.

That vampire is Hal.

Okay, so Hal did some bad things as a youngster (I mean, he had a moustache), but now he’s sitting in the B&B and just taking up space. Annie is not amused and points out that he needs to work so they have money to take care of Eve. Hal is not a fan of this idea, seeing as people make him pretty tetchy, but he doesn’t have much of a choice. So he and Tom get jobs working at a crappy fast food cafe. Neither of them looks very fetching in those red and white striped aprons. If you find it hard to believe that anyone would hire the two of them, Tom’s little prequel video here details exactly how he landed such a cushy job. It’s pretty brilliant.

Regus, the vampire record keeper, comes to the B&B and tells Annie that she’s dumb for not clearing out with the baby. Annie is not interested in his advice, so Regus leaves his address for when she comes to her senses and remembers that Eve is no ordinary munchkin.

Hal is not very good at working the cafe, but he does catch the attention of a loopy goth woman who is convinced that she writes great dark poetry and lyrics. Annie takes baby Eve out and catches the attention of Fergus, who tells her that he is planning to kill Eve as a present for the Old Ones. The only reason he won’t right now is because there too many people about. Yay for public parks? Annie decides to go see Regus to find out how to protect the baby.

Regus is not happy that Annie brushed him off and insists on payment for his knowledge this time; he wants Annie to project her thoughts into his head so he can witness the first time she ever got laid. It turns out that in order to do that, he would have to experience it from Annie’s perspective, so he says nevermind in the end. He tells Annie that Eve’s arch enemy will be a man with a burned arm. Being cryptic is the new black.

Now, I understand that Annie suffers from ghostly limitations, but one of the show’s more unsettling problems is how often she is terrorized by men, be it verbally, physically, or sexually. In earlier seasons they kept insisting that Annie had untapped power, but this power is nowhere to be seen four seasons in. I know there is a danger in making Annie too powerful and nullifying conflict within the series, but it would be greatly appreciated if she had a more concrete way of fighting back. At least this time the situation came out in Annie’s favor, even humorously so (and they get points for reversing what would have been essentially a rape scenario and making Regus uncomfortable instead), but it still grates due to the frequency.

Hal realizes that Tom is keeping a stake in the cafe and knows it’s in case he steps out of line. He’s less than thrilled, but Tom is unrepentant for being cautious. Fergus finds Hal throwing out garbage at work and reveals something key to us viewers: Hal is an Old One, straight up. “Lord Harry” if you want to be proper about it. Several centuries old at least, and significantly more important than we were led to believe. Fergus warns Hal to keep away a few nights down the road; they’re planning to murder Tom since he’s been killing so many of their kind.

Hal and Tom continue to build a relationship in the most comic and endearing way possible. The early moments between George and Mitchell that we never got to see at the show’s start are being broadcast here in their infinite awkwardness this time around, as we watch Tom and Hal endeavor to dispose a porn magazine without touching it, discuss virginity, and attempt to hit on the goth lady to see who can get her number first. (For the record, Tom has never had sex and believes virginity is a “flower.” That’s all virginity, not just female virginity. And Hal sucks at chatting up women, but with centuries of the English language under his belt, you can hardly blame him for being confused.)

This magazine is 'demeaning to women,' and must be disposed of carefully.

The goth lady comes back at some point and is such an idiot to them that Hal beings to mumble about his glory days and how horrible life is now. Tom is proud that Hal did that instead of eating her and bins the stake as a show of faith. Hal thinks they should close early, and go out and get a pint after work  which is a clever way of not telling Tom that “vampires are coming to kill you and I’m saving your life!”

Annie calls Regus over and is planning on running away with him and baby Eve to keep the tiny War Child out of harm. She feels that she and her new boys are not a family, that Hal and Tom are just lodging there, and she needs to make sure George and Nina’s baby is safe. Regus thinks she’s making the right choice.

Meet Michaela, a woman who definitely needs a set of fangs.

Hal clears the cafe and tries to close early, but the vampires arrive and Hal comes clean that he knew they were coming. Tom has stakes to fend them off. So Hal is forced to admit that he was going to give Tom up to them at first (but he changed his mind!), and Tom is forced to admit that throwing away the one stake earlier was a bit of an empty gesture when he had a few more on hand. Actually, neither of them admit those things, they’re just found out and guilty. The goth lady  whose name is Michaela, by the way  missed the memo about closing early and is stuck with them as they escape Fergus and his gang. She is dead chuffed to find out that Hal is a vampire and Tom is a werewolf, of course.

They get home and see Annie packing with Regus. Regus and Michaela hit it off. (She is loving the irony of his “Team Edward” t-shirt  apparently we have Regus to thank for that trend.) Annie tries to explain why she’s leaving, Tom is not okay with it, and Hal really doesn’t want to talk about it. He almost walks away, but a noise prompts him back, and he finds Fergus and the gang in the house, ready to kill everyone. Fergus shares Hal’s secret and offers him the chance to head up their little group  he is Lord Harry, after all. Hal accepts the offer because there was no way that he was going to suffer this life any longer. He tells Fergus to begin the slaughter.

And when Fergus gets close, Hal stakes him.

An actiony battle ensues and Hal, Tom, and Annie take out the whole gang. Michaela’s throat gets slit in all the commotion, but that’s okay because Regus makes her a vampire. She will write bad eternal poetry and they will be very happy together. In a fun bid for continuity porn, Hal mentions that they remind him of Ivan and Daisy (the vampire couple we got to know a couple seasons ago), which is dead on. Annie decides that she’s going to stay in the house with her new boys. She feels stronger there now that she knows she can rely on Tom and “Lord Harry.” Seriously, don’t call him that, though.

And the new family is formed as Hal changes channels on the telly and gets all excited guessing how much a crystal bowl will go for on Antiques Roadshow. He invites Annie over to guess, and it’s clear that something has finally clicked into place as Annie sits between Tom and Hal on the couch, putting in her bid.

And then a woman across town watching the same show suddenly crosses over, and as she exits through her door… someone enters. Well, he can only be trouble.

Questions:

How old are the Old Ones in general? Which birthday do you have to reach to get the title?

Who was that Mr. Snow who was mentioned at the start of the episode? He’s gonna be important, I bet.

Will anyone ever help Annie do laundry?

With Fergus dead, does that leave the door wide open for Cutler? (I’m thinking yes.)

Join in next week for: “A Spectre Calls”!

Emily Asher-Perrin likes your tights. They look like bees and she likes bees. (Tom’s pick up lines are foolproof.) You can bug her on Twitter and read more of her work here and elsewhere.