It seems like lately I’ve been flooded with items that should never have been made, and ideas that make me wonder what is happening to the world. And now I’m going to share them with you because that way it’s like The Ring and those things will be pulled out of my mind forever. Much like the vagina piano.

If Star Wars was remade, ala 50 Shades of Grey

June 20, 2012

Yesterday, I was watching Star Wars for the 8,000th time and I realized that with a little creative trimming and some strong imagination, Star Wars could make some pretty great erotica. Better than 50 Shades of Grey, at least.

And so I went through IMDB and threw together some of my favorite quotes in an order that will make you see Star Wars anew for the first time.

(Contains actual quotes, but not in their actual order.)

Obi-Wan: [intervening for Luke] This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you something.
Obi-Wan: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.

Luke: I've gotta get *home*, it's late, I'm in for it as it is!
Obi-Wan: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.

********

Greedo: That's the idea... I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Han Solo: Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Han Solo: Sorry about the mess.

********

Imperial Officer: Where are you taking this... thing?
Gold Leader: *We're too close!*
Gold Five: Stay on target!
Deck officer: It's possible he came in through the south entrance.
Gold Leader: [shouts] Loosen up!
Gold Five: It came from... behind!

********

Obi-Wan: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids... and no questions asked.
Han Solo: [chuckles] What is it? Some kind of local trouble?
Obi-Wan: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements.

********

Han Solo: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

********

Princess Leia: I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Han Solo: Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight.
Princess Leia: Put that thing away, you're gonna get us all killed!
Han Solo: Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here! There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
Princess Leia: It could be worse.
Han Solo: It's worse.
Han Solo: And I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE!
Princess Leia: Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?
Han Solo: I must've hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that.

********

Cockpit Biggs: Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
Luke: THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.

Author

Jenny is that weird girl at your school that you never talked to and you wondered what happened to her and turns out she's still weird and writes a series of blogs and columns about ninjas and sasquatches and porn. You can find her at thebloggess.com. She's odd and we wonder how she managed to live this long.