Reflections on being a father

In and out, in and out, I quietly sit, watching my daughter breathe while she is sleeping truly a miracle. Anna lays between Laura and me peacefully sleeping on the eve of her surgery. I can’t help but feeling such a huge range of emotions. Over the past 10 months I have built such a tight bond with my little girl, my first concern is providing for her, protecting her and keeping her safe. Since Laura has to go to work early in the morning, she feeds her in the morning and then leaves my little daughter next to me to let us both a little extra sleep. Sometimes I wake up before her and I watch her wake up and it is one of my favorite moments in the day. For such a little person, she has so much personality and has brought so much happiness into my life and into the life of our entire family.

Since becoming a father it is amazing how a switch flips inside you, and your world turns upside down. You grow a parental 6th sense for your child, learn their little idiosyncrasies and what makes them an individual. As sappy as it sounds songs, I find myself getting really moved songs that choke me up inside. I mean I love Guns N’ Roses, but when I hear sweet child of mine I well up inside. The song The Suburbs by The Arcade Fire really touches me especially this lyric:

So can you understand?
Why I want a daughter while I’m still young
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before this damage is done

It touches me especially because I want to show my daughter beauty and protect her.

It has been 19 months since I found out I was going to be a father and 10 months of actually getting to hold my little girl in my arms. I find I am getting to re-experience everything through my child’s eyes. On a trip to the zoo, I get so much joy watching her eyes light up. As we get closer to Christmas, I look forward to seeing Anna get excited as she gets to experience it for the first time.

I write this blog tonight because I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep much lately. Tomorrow will be a tough day, but we will get through it. Anna is a tough little girl. While she woos everyone with her cuteness and personality, I know she is a fighter like her parents and will be fine. This year I have felt the full range of emotions for absolute joy to sheer dread. I look forward to having tomorrow behind us so we can continue to watch the evolution of one of the most amazing people I will ever know, my daughter Anna.

5 Comments

Louise

November 16, 2011

How beautiful, a parents love is deep and unwavering, Anna is a lucky girl to have parents, like you, who love her so much. We to pray that this day passes and that Anna will have a speedy recovery. You never stop worrying for your children, EVER.

Louise is absolutely right about never stop worrying about your children… she still worries about you. But I had all the confidence in the world about what you would be like as a parent. From the day we met at school, your drive, dedication and sense of what was right and wrong was so apparent after less than an hour, that I was convinced that I wanted to work with you once we got out of school. That experience convinced me even more. Now, with your number one priority, you have evolved into the kind of parent Anna needs, the kind of parent the whole country needs to guide the next generation. We are all in good hands!

Yes, a great reflection of being a father. I know exactly how it feels being a father of two. Sometimes, there’s ambivalence. But all in all, what matters most, through everything, is an intricate need to see the best for your child.

Yes, a great reflection of being a father. I know exactly how it feels being a father of two. Sometimes, there’s ambivalence. But all in all, what matters most, through everything, is an intricate need to see the best for your child.