Monday, May 28, 2012

So many of you know I struggle with depression a little. I can usually control it myself. There have been occasions when I would have loved something to combat it with that was more than just me and my mind. Like for instance a trax train or something like that. Harrison one of my best friends made me so mad one night because he wouldn't throw me under. I guess I can forgive him for that. He is a pretty great guy sometimes ;-). He has dealt with his fair share of my depressive episodes, as has Eric. Both super troopers. Anyway, I digress…

So yesterday, or the evening before I guess, I started down a dark road. I had just gotten home from an amazing evening with an amazing guy. We had gone on a hike and had such great conversation while we were hiking and after. Well, when I got home I got on line and started thinking, I allowed Braden in my mind, never a good idea, I mean NEVER!!!. Braden gets all sorts of crazy when he gets in there. But anyway I allowed myself to start comparing myself to others. And I started to find all the things that I was not good at, or had failed at, or quit because they were hard. Like difficulties in school, which if I don't graduate I can't be a funeral director, which means I am a bad intern, which means I suck at life, which means I hate myself. And there is always the fitness things, and the financial things, and the relationship things. Just life in general, if you allow yourself to get yourself down life is just misery.

Well, I woke up yesterday morning with this depression really trying to set in. It was the beginning of a long weekend. I could not let this depression waste my weekend. I had to do something and I had to do it fast. So the first thing I did was to get Braden out of my head. The Second was to get out of bed. I know that should have been the first but, Braden gets cranky if he is ousted too early. Then I started thinking of the things that I could do to conquer this depression before it got rooted in and ruined my week. So I looked at my life and I looked at the feelings that I have been feeling. I have been doing a lot of self reflection as of late, checking my moods and feelings when they change and why they change. It is a good thing to do. Sometimes it can make you crazy.

The Eric Perry Project

Well, when I feel myself getting depressed, and have caught it soon enough, there are a few things that I can do to lessen the depression or totally kick it. The first I get super productive and try to catch up on all the things that I have let slide. I want to make up for all the things that I have not accomplished or completed. I try to make up for the failures of the past month, week, or day in one day. For example my room, and The Eric Perry Project, and my car, and school stuff. So I started out the day filling out an application for a new school. Then I cleaned my room and made my bed (Not much is better than a nicely made bed to climb in after a good day). And a few other things that I needed to get done, I even made a shopping list. I don't make shopping lists unless I am serious about it.

Another thing I do when I am depressed is run. I just started running so it is all new to me. But, Running to me is very productive. It is cleansing, it is healthy, it is mindless, it is just great. So I decided to run. Best decision I made. I wanted to run 6.2 miles, because that is two miles more than I had ever run before in my life. So I plotted my run on my handy dandy macbook with my handy dandy google maps. I figured I would run down 3rd east to 2100, up to 4050 north, and back to my apt. 6.1 miles actually. So I started and I ran the first three miles, and kept telling myself I can do the 6 miles. Well, I got done with the 6 miles and I told myself I could do 9 miles, and I did it. I almost stopped a few times but I didn't. It turned out to only be 8.7 miles but Close enough, right? While I was running I just kept telling myself you can do it. I followed the two rules of running that KC, informed me of…Rule #1 Start running. Rule # 2 keep running. I did it. I ran 8.7 miles. I got home and had to tell people. I told KC and my Boss and then of course had to post it on Facebook. It felt so great. And that was the start to the self confidence rebuild. I accomplished something that until I did it I didn't think I could, an incredible feeling indeed. Accomplishing things makes one feel that much better about who they are.

So the moral of the story is… When I feel the depression I try to out run the depression with other stuff, don't let it catch up. It works for me for the most part. I am proud to say I have never been medicated for my depression. Not that medication is bad, some people need it. I am not there. I just need to keep my mind in the up and up and remember I am a great person and I have accomplished things and I have a lot more to accomplish. i am awaiting my next accomplishment. It may be getting this posted before it goes another page or two.

Thanks to those who read my posts. Makes me feel special. =) And thanks for not judging the writing skills. Especially since I used the word Well a lot!!! Love you and hope you the best in your days!!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

That is a question that I am asked pretty much every time someone hears that that is what I am doing with my life. I have yet to come up with a great short response to that. I mean I say it just seemed right, or i was drawn to it. But what does that mean?

There are three main points in my life that I believe brought me to where I am now.

Care Center in Hurricane

So, going back in time. Are you ready for this? I believe we are back in 1997-2000, which would have made me 14-17 years old, somewhere in there. I was living with my family in Hurricane, Utah. My father was the administrator of the Zion rehab or something like that. The name evades me at this moment. The home that we lived in from 1996 to 1999/2000, which was an old polygamist home, was connected to the care center. Like literally we had a door that separated our living quarters from the care center. Odd? yes!! Part of my life that will never be forgotten where great memories were made? Most Definitely!!!!!!!! So what does this have to do with my current career choice? Well Where our house was situated when the funeral personnel would come to the care center they would park in front of our house. So growing up those years there I would see them go in and then I would see them leave. I never thought anything of it. Other than the fact that they drove really cool cars and that I wanted to drive one of them someday. I am weird I know.

Also while living there one of the local funeral home owners would take my dad and his employees and their families to his cabin ontop of Kolob Mountain. We would have a great time. So you know it makes you think, "Ok these guys have a great life; they drive cool cars, they have cabins in the woods, they have lots of money, they can do whatever they want really. I mean people aren't dying every hour of everyday." Well, I didn't really think THAT much about it as a kid. But it definitely left and impression.

The next point in time that I was indirectly directed to the funeral industry was when I was seventeen. One of my grandma's (my father's mother) was very sick. So we went to California so that we could visit her. I am so glad we were able to. She was in the hospital the first couple of days we were there. Then she was placed on hospice care and they brought her to her home so she could pass away in a more comfortable setting. She wasn't conscious her last few days of her life. It was a weird feeling seeing my father saying goodbye to his mother. (as I sit here my emotions are coming up, which is weird for me.) At that time in my life I wasn't a very emotional person. I never cried those days. I remember the night grandma bebe passed away. I was woken up by my grandma Williams and was told that grandma Bebe had passed away and that mom and dad had already gone to her home. I was told to gather my younger siblings and drive to grandma's place. Mind you this was before gps was big and we were in modesto california, I had been to grandma bebe's once earlier that day. But we made it with no problems. I remember sitting in the room and we had a family prayer and then the suits came in and started their thing. My mom told me that I could cry it was ok. I didn't say much but I knew I didn't need to cry. I knew she was in a better place and she was no longer in pain. Her mortal body was holding her back at that point. When the funeral home covered her face with the sheet almost everyone in the room had to look away. I remember thinking it was odd that no of this was bothering me. I was ok with death. I was ok with the knowledge I had of what happens after this life. I knew Grandma would be watching down on us and she loved us very much. (maybe one day I will tell of the day that her death finally did catch up to me and I hurt bad, but that is another story). So my grandma dying brought me to the realization that death was not something that effected me the same way it does others.

The third major indirect directer was when I was serving in Lewiston, Idaho on my LDS mission. There was a gentleman in one of the wards that I was serving in who was a funeral director. We maybe had one conversation about his work, but nothing significant. But meeting him helped me realized that being a Funeral Director was something that anyone really could get into if they had it in them. It isn't something only royalty can be entitled to. I didn't have to be born into the elite family that ruled the funeral industry. Yes, it makes it harder but it is not a requirement. I believe this gentleman's mother stood up in Church one day and said something about it as well. I remember being in shock that she said something nice. She was always the mean lady we tried to avoid.

So there is my "short" summary as to where the direction for my career choice came from. Taking all of this into account I also thought about what I wanted in my life. Being in the funeral industry I am enlightened by a spirit that not many have the privilege to experience regularly. (We all know I need all the spiritual experiences I can get) ;)

Maybe if I remember I will tell of my experience so far in the funeral industry. I have been an intern for almost 3 years now.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Not to make everyone panic. I am not suicidal. I really do love my life and am excited to see where it will take me. I love my family and my friends.

Suicide IS something that I have thought a lot about in the past and recent past. (Again, I am not suicidal. I have no plans to kill myself.) But it is something that I have taken quite a bit of thought about.

I am guessing I have minor depression issues (according to some of my friends I am clinically insane, but they call me friend so you know they can't be all that sane either) ;)

Growing up I have always been one to keep things to myself. (Even if you don't think I do, you would be amazed at what I don't say out loud). One of my families favorite things to tell about me is about my ability to hold something in until it is most everyone else has forgotten about it, and then let it out. My mom tells of the time that we were living in Y mount terrace at BYU and us kids a long with the neighbor kids were playing outside and one of the other kids did something to me and I just let it go, until their back was turned and they had forgotten about it, I went up and BIT them. I am still that way to some degree. I bottle things up until I can no longer handle it and just let it out.

In school I can only think of two people who really picked on me. One was JB (for the sake of privacy I guess), and the other was JS. JB picked on me in middle school. JS didn't really join in until high school. I recall one moment in Hurricane Middle school walking down the hall toward the Commons Area (lunch area) just minding my own business and all of the sudden I was on the floor. JB had come up behind me and kicked me in the back. That was 14 years ago. I still remember it very well. Later, in high school he and JS would make fun of me for being gay. I wasn't out. I wasn't even out to myself back then. They would make fun of me about my relationship with my best friend. I don't know if my best friend at the time ever got any flack for it. But I did. I remember that so well because JS was my bishops son. And we had had some really amazing conversations before. Like the kind you don't easily forget. Like you really connect and can feel what the other is feeling and such. And here he was making fun of me and calling me gay. It killed me. I bottled that up inside me.

I would bottle it up inside so much that I had become numb to emotion. I don't think I cried from high school until while on my mission and then some time after. I was emotionally numb to life.

In high school I remember first having the thought…"I could so easily drive my car off the road right now and roll down that hill into that raven and everything will be over." "I mean one flick of the wheel and this can all end."

I don't know what it was that kept me from doing that. I don't know if it was the thought of my family or what friends I did have. Or maybe it was the thought of wrecking my beloved car. (good ol' gev. may he rest in peace.)But I am here today so obviously I didn't do it…. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Shadows

What is a blog? For me my blog is a place I can state the things that are on my mind and allow others to see a little deeper into the person who is behind the shadows. I am a work in progress and I hope eventually that this blog will show that progress.