President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at The Catfish King in downtown Idabel , Oklahoma , and I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole sales team from the Dairy Queen. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."

President Obama sighed "I must tell you Archie, that I have 1600 tanks and 1400 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat "I must tell you Archie that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few drinks, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 ticket for cars ($1.50), 5 tickets for buses ( $7.50).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain , or France , or Italy... Is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... And no one even knows his name.

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with mytime. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out withthe guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that Ihad joined a parachute club. She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudlyshowed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Forheaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to aProstitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh** on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nortdakota (that would be ' North Dakota ' for the non-Scandinavians out there). He drives to Nortdakota, finds the farm and takes a look at the cow. Then he reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls ..... the cow farts. Ole pauses, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat and pulls ... and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after a brief negotiation with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, c ome and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary support to their partners. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you during pregnancy. Walking is especially beneficial - it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just remember to make periodic stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path..

She then looked at the men in the room, saying "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor."

I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in Buffalo and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I willStart the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit.""I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in myBack garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to Go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldHear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I wasConfining wild animals against their will. They Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration is checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They Insist I have to hire only Union workers withArk-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"