Colbert to grads: Your generation as self-absorbed as mine

Stephen Colbert tried to transfer to University of Virginia in 1984, but never completed his application essay. Regardless, the political satirist delivered the school’s commencement speech over the weekend, poking fun at university founder Thomas Jefferson, the popular not-so-secret study aid Adderall and the attitudes of Baby Boomers and Millennials.

Here, we present you some highlights: The silly, the serious and the somewhat amusing.

2. “As has been stated before, the most impressive ranking of all has once again has to be Playboy naming you the number one party school in America. Now to be clear, I only read Playboy for the rankings.”

3. Referencing Time magazine’s recent cover story about Millennials’ navel-gazing: “So self obsessed,” he says. “Tweeting your vines, hashtagging your Spotifys and Snapchatting your YOLOs. Your generation needs everything to be about you, and that’s very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is kind of our thing. We’re the original ‘me’ generation. We made the last 50 years all about us. We took all the money. We soaked up all the government services. And we deep-fried nearly everything in the ocean.”

4. On the school’s founder: “In Jefferson’s public life as a founding father, we often see him as the embodiment of the white male patriarchy. But in his private life, he was known for, shall we say, embracing diversity. Very affirmative in his actions. Am I right? I am right. they did the DNA tests. I’m right on that one.” He then pauses to tweet the following about “old Bible slicer” Jefferson:

5. “But my favorite thing about UVA has got to be it’s secret societies. That’s sexy. You got the Zs, you got, I think, the Illuminati, the Masons and Shield. But of course the most secret of all is the Sevens Society. Nobody knows who’s in it. I’m not going to say I’m a Seven. I’m not going to say I’m not a Seven. I’m just going to say eviganblumencroft. Benedictcomberbachen [referencing the Star Trek villain played in the new movie by British thespian Benedict Cumberbatch]?Now I have to have all of you killed.”

And for the obligatory advice portion of the speech:

6. “You may learn sooner than most generations, the hard lesson that you must make the path for yourself. There is no secret society out there that will one day tap you on the shoulder and show you the way.”

7. “If you must find your own path, and we have left you no easy path, then decide now to choose the hard path that leads to the life and world that you want. And don’t worry if we don’t approve of your choice. In our benign self-absorption, I believe we have given you a gift. A particular form of independence because you don’t owe the previous generation anything. Thanks to us you owe it to the Chinese.”