Self-esteem is not a hot and sexy topic. Not even close. I know people don’t love to talk about their self-esteem in front of others, but I’m passionate about it.Self-esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities. Have you ever noticed how prevalent low self-esteem is among the general population? I have. I have also grown to understand there is a lot we can do to change that. Once we become comfortable in our skin, our self-esteem can soar.I used to have low self-esteem and all the accompanying characteristics. Then one day I began to ask myself why. Why do I feel this way? This one question inspired more than 10 years of studying low self-esteem and strategies to increase it. It consistently remained a focus for me for more than a decade.My increased esteem has changed my life in ways I never could have imagined. People responded to it. Situations responded to it. Life responded to it. My relationships improved (or ended), my opportunities multiplied, and my joy and inner peace grew.

Most people don’t think about self-esteem. It’s not usually on their radar. But what a role it plays in our lives. We wear low self-esteem on us like a garment that everybody can see. I think it’s time we pay attention to it. So let’s start now. This does take a bit of practice, but once you implement these strategies, you will instantly begin to notice changes in your life.

Accept thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they areDo not judge them. They are neutral and do not define who we are. They rise up within us and can be released through the body and mind. They are fleeting in nature and can also be changed.

Eliminate “should” from your vocabulary “Should” comes from a place of judgement. Examine your beliefs, especially around your “shoulds.” Question them. What happens when you turn your “shoulds” into “coulds?” Does it open up other options or encourage less judgement?

Do not rely on other people to provide you your sense of worth They will inevitably disappoint. We have to internalize our power and make ourselves the only wielder of it. No label, position, or relationship can give us worth. Those are external factors. We have to ensure that if something or someone is removed from our lives, our esteem will remain intact.

ForgiveWe need to forgive ourselves for our past wrongdoings. Shame, regret, and guilt sabotage our self-esteem and self-worth. We often find it easier to forgive others, but we must apply this compassion to ourselves as well.

Take stock of your talents Everybody has a gift or calling in this world. In fact, each of us have many different abilities that help others. We must identify these. If we are unsure of what these abilities are, start small. What small things are we good at? Enjoy? In what ways do we make other people’s lives better? Celebrate these; they are the very things that make us feel worthy.

These five strategies are simple; however, following them will take mindfulness and perseverance. I assure you, all the effort will be worth it when you start to live with inner calm and contentment on a daily basis. This newfound self-worth will show up in your relationships, career, and fresh opportunities and people that you will attract. Remember, like attracts like. A healthy and secure you will attract other healthy and confident individuals.A word of warning for those working on their self-esteem: People in your life who have low self-esteem will begin to take notice. They may become threatened and uncomfortable with your progress toward self-acceptance. It is important that you don’t let this derail you. Be mindful of people who are unsupportive or think you are becoming full of yourself. There is a big difference between arrogance and healthy self-esteem. You can be a shining example to them by revealing what healthy self-esteem looks like. They can see the positive effects it has in all areas of life.Remember, strong self-esteem means being comfortable with who we are, quirks and faults included. It recognizes our abilities and strengths, and knows the value and worth they provide in this world. It is very common to experience backlash from others when we make big strides in our personal growth, especially in codependent relationships. We must be prepared to cut loose the people who do not support us in our emotional growth. If it’s not appropriate to end the relationship, we can hold awareness of our personal issues versus theirs. Some people may in fact be supportive and encouraging, and use your growth as inspiration for their own. These are the people you want to keep close.

The mind, just like any other entity in nature, follows some specific laws. The mastery of these laws can be immensely helpful in improving mental health and generating happiness.Long before the discipline of psychology was established, philosophers started providing answers to the question of how to reach happiness. Tested by science, some their claims have been refuted, while others were confirmed, such as the following statement made by Epictetus in The Art of Living:Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control and some things are not. It is only after you have learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility become possible.In The Art of Living, Epictetus argued that we must differentiate between what lies within our control and what lies beyond our control, focus on the first and disregard the second. He promised that this practice will lead us to happiness and freedom.

Centuries after Epictetus, Jay Weiss and his colleagues conducted a seminal experiment where they examined the relationship between control and stress. The experiment was conducted with pairs of rats: each pair was subjected to random electrical shocks (a very stressful situation!) and one of the two rats (rat A) could end the shocks by turning a wheel. Rat A could end the shocks for both rats by turning the wheel; he was in control. Rat B could do nothing but wait for rat A; he was helpless. The experimenters found that rat B developed symptoms of depression and rat A did not. Their findings suggest that being in control of a stressful situation can make it less harmful. Feeling helpless during a stressful situation can heighten its harmful effects.Besides affecting how we respond to stress, feeling in control also affects how we respond to pleasure: Having control over rewarding experiences can make them more rewarding. Rewarding experiences become less rewarding when we are helpless.The evidence for this comes from another study conducted with rats. Hemby and his colleagues conducted an experiment with the same design as Weiss’s experiment except for one difference: Instead of delivering electrical shocks, Hemby and his colleagues created a pleasurable experience for the rats. They gave them injections of cocaine.Cocaine was given only when rat A pressed a lever. In order to receive cocaine, rat B had to wait for rat A to press the lever: rat B was helpless, rat A was in control. And as expected, it was found that rat A experienced more pleasure from cocaine than rat B. The experimenters knew this by measuring the amount of dopamine released in the brains of the two rats. Rat A had more dopamine released in the pleasure centers of his brain. It is known that the more dopamine is released in the brain’s pleasure centers, the more pleasure we feel.Control could therefore be one of the keys to happiness; it makes the pleasurable more pleasurable, and the stressful less stressful.When we think more about what we can control and less about what we cannot control, we experience a better mood. In his inspiring TED Talk “My philosophy for a happy life,” Sam Berns, a young man who had to live with progeria (premature aging disease), stated that instead of focusing on what his condition did not allow him to do, he chose to focus on things that he could do: “I’m okay with what I ultimately can’t do because there is so much I can do.”When we set goals and reach them, we experience a better mood. Neuroscientist Alex Korb argued that “we are often under the impression that we are happy when good things happen to us. But in actuality, we are happiest when we decide to pursue a particular goal and achieve it.” Setting a goal and achieving it reminds us that we are in control, and this reminder instantly creates a pleasurable experience in our brains. In more scientific terms, setting goals increases the activity of dopamine in our brain and increases our perceived control. (See Alex Korb, The Upward Spiral, Chapter 6, for a more detailed discussion).In order to experience more control in our lives, all what we need to do is identify what we can change, set achievable goals, and reach them.Feeling in control is an experience that we all pursue. However, this feeling is pursued through different means, some of which are problematic. Many individuals resort to harmful and sadistic practices in order to feel in control. They mistakenly believe that control means control over others and power means the ability to harm others.Science has proven that control and power can be reached through prosocial practices such as altruism and kindness. The next blog entry will discuss the benefits of these practices on mental health.

Do you ever notice how some people are just happier than others? One friend can be faced with terrible circumstances and still have a positive outlook, while another is consistently negative, no matter how well things in his or her life are going.The difference between the two could be how grateful they are. People who are grateful often are associated with being happier. Practicing gratitude can change our perspective of the world. It can change our mood, how we treat others, impact our productivity, and ultimately, change our lives.You know the saying, “misery loves company”? Well, focusing on the negative things around us just breeds more negativity — our brain creates connections based upon what we think about. Likewise, focusing on positivity and gratitude breeds more positivity and gratitude. When we start paying attention to all of the good things in our lives, the bad things fade into the background.

Let’s face it. Sometimes life is hard. People we care about get sick. Our spouses lose their jobs. We fight with our family. We lose loved ones. There never seems to be enough money to pay the bills. Even in these difficult circumstances, there is always something for which to be grateful.So how can we practice gratitude and change our lives for the better? One trick is to start each day by listing five things we are grateful for. They can be small, seemingly insignificant things, like a good night’s rest or shoes on our feet. Focusing on simple things each day will help shift our perspective and remind us of all the good things in our lives. Chances are there are a lot more than we realized.Include people on that list, too. Of course our spouses, kids, and mothers can all drive us up the wall, but we also love them and are grateful to have them in our lives. Include best friends or an awesome hairstylist, or even your puppy. It’s your list and we can put on it whatever or whomever we are grateful for.Like any skill or activity, the more we practice something, the better we will get at it. The more we practice gratitude, the easier it will become. It might be difficult to find five things to think of that first day or even that whole first week, but eventually, it will get easier. Soon enough, we will be going through our day and making mental notes of things we can add to our gratitude list for the next day and the day after.In time, gratitude will shift from being a form of expression to becoming an attitude. Instead of thinking of things to add to our list, we will start to feel grateful. We will begin to view circumstances and people differently. We will begin to feel grateful for our spouses and kids, and they may not irritate us as easily. We will begin to see the silver lining in bad situations.Practicing gratitude consistently will eventually change our lives. Gratitude will make us more positive. It will make us better friends, spouses, parents, and employees. And it will make our lives much more enjoyable.

When I moved to New York years ago, I didn’t think much of summer. I grew up in Tel Aviv, where it’s always warm, and I was surprised to see my neighbors getting all excited at the first signs of spring.Starting April, they prepared long lists of things to do, places to go, and events to book. It seemed silly to me that everyone was talking about their summer plans months in advance. Then September came and I realized the cost of my complacence. Out of the eight weekends of my children’s summer break, three were struck by summer thunderstorms, and two were wasted lazing around or shopping.The remaining three weekends were fun, but way too short. Before I could even realize it, the winds of fall were in the air, and everyone started thinking about Halloween costumes. Summer was gone and I learned my lesson. The following year, as soon as the snow melted, my wife and I sat down and started to plan.In New York, as in many places in the country, summer is a fleeting moment. You emerge slowly from five months of snow straight into pouring rain (trying to comfort yourself that “April showers bring May’s flowers”), reseed your lawn and spring-clean your house, and before you know it, you’re already shopping for school supplies. Pair this transience with the fact that we are biologically programmed to recharge and reproduce in this time of year [1], and you quickly realize that summertime is a narrow window of opportunity to enjoy the things you like to do, together with the people you love.

If you are now starting to plan ahead, here are some science-based tips for a summer full of activities that are bound to turn into lasting happy memories:

1. Use Stuff You Already HaveWe live in a consumer-driven economy and all of us buy tons of stuff. Take a walk around your house and look for things you bought in the past but haven’t yet fully enjoyed. Recent research in positive psychology has shown that unlike the ownership of possessions, experiences have great positive staying-power [2]. You may have many weeks of unlocked fun in locked-up in your closets or in your basement. Play the guitar you bought on eBay, try the camping gear that you’ve never unboxed, use the toolset you got for Christmas, or the restaurant gift certificates that are about to expire. All this stuff is lying around waiting to be enjoyed, and summer is the perfect time to do that.

2. Enjoy it Before, During, and AfterThe joy of great experiences starts long before their first day and can last months and years later. Allocate ample time for planning in the months to come, involve the entire family, and be sure to enjoy thinking of different possibilities together. Then when summer is almost over, make time for a little reminiscing and revisiting. If you’re planning a vacation, make the time in your calendar to research possible destinations, to imagine what it would be like, and to list different possible activities to choose from. When you’re back, make the time to arrange your picture into albums, edit videos, and share the fun you had.

3. Connect with NatureVarious research studies (e.g. [3], [4]) have shown that scenes of nature evoke a spectrum of positive emotions like playfulness and affection. The experience of being in nature, enjoying the sights, the sounds, scents, and textures, is a unique contributor to our well-being. In modern society many of us live and work in urban environments, where nature is out of our daily route, and the experience of nature is isolated to specific locations like parks. Summer is when nature around you is bursting out. Allot some time in your summer calendar for hiking trips and park strolls, and go with your family and friends to enjoy it together.

4. Get AwayThe Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vacation as “a period of time that a person spends away from home, school, or business usually in order to relax or travel”. Summer is the best time to go to a different location, disconnect from your daily routine and pause all work, errands, and chores. Research studies consistently demonstrate that people who regularly go away enjoy better sleep, stronger social bonds, less stress, and an overall higher level of well-being [5]. If you can, plan on going away at least once during the summer months, together with the people you love. When you’re back, allocate “buffer time” in your schedule to unpack and slowly go back, so that you can continue to relax when you’re home.

5. Create New MemoriesYears ago, my family went on vacation to Lake George. It was a long drive from the city, and my son, who was three at the time, slept the whole way. He continued to sleep through dinner, and then woke up just around midnight, alert and ready to roll. I had to stay up with him all night and entertain him. We took a walk on the shore, saw the gasoline tanker bring fresh fuel to the gas station at 3am, and had a delicious Pizza together with college students just before dawn. Today, years later, the memories of that night live on, and have become a cornerstone of our family’s folklore. When you plan this coming summer, remember that your experiences are temporary, but shared memories are perpetual. If things don’t go according to plan, go with the flow and see where it takes you. You may discover that your most precious memories come from these small, magical surprises.

Caring about someone with borderline personality disorder(BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. Having BPD is no picnic, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time, and in severe cases, on the border between reality and psychosis. Your illness distorts your perceptions, causing antagonistic behavior and making the world a perilous place. The pain and terror of abandonment and feeling unwanted can be so great that suicide feels like a better choice.If you like drama, excitement, and intensity, enjoy the ride, because things will never be calm. Following a passionate beginning, expect a stormy relationship that includes accusations and anger, jealousy, bullying, control, and breakups due to the insecurity of the person with BPD.Nothing is gray or gradual. For people with BPD, things are black and white. They have the quintessential Jekyll and Hyde personality. They fluctuate dramatically between idealizing and devaluing you and may suddenly and sporadically shift throughout the day. You never know what or whom to expect.Their intense, labile emotions elevate you when they’re in good spirits and crush you when they’re not. You’re a prince or a jerk, a princess or a witch. If you’re on the outs with them, all their bad feelings get projected onto you. They can be vindictive and punish you with words, silence, or other manipulations, which can be very destructive to your self-esteem. Unlike bipolar disorder, their moods shift quickly and aren’t a departure from their normal self. What you see is their norm.Their emotions, behavior, and unstable relationships, including work history, reflect a fragile, shame-based self-image. This is often marked by sudden shifts, sometimes to the extent that they feel nonexistent. It is made worse when they’re alone. Thus, they’re dependent on others and may frequently seek advice from several people about the same question on the same day. They’re desperate to be loved and cared for, yet are hypervigilant for any real or imagined signs of rejection or abandonment. It is common for them to cut off relatives or friends who “betray” them.For them, trust is always an issue, often leading to distortions of reality and paranoia. You’re seen as either for or against them and must take their side. Don’t dare to defend their enemy or try to justify or explain any slight they claim to have experienced. They may try to bait you into anger, then falsely accuse you of rejecting them, make you doubt reality and your sanity, or even brainwash you as emotional manipulation. It is not unusual for them to cut off friends and relatives who they feel have betrayed them.They react to their profound fears of abandonment with needy and clingy behavior or anger and fury that reflect their own skewed reality and self-image. On the other hand, they equally fear the romantic merger they try to create, because they’re afraid of being dominated or swallowed up by too much intimacy. In a close relationship, they must walk a tightrope to balance the fear of being alone or of being too close. To do so, they try to control with commands or manipulation, including flattery and seduction. Whereas narcissists enjoy being understood, too much understanding frightens the borderline.Generally, borderlines are codependent, and find another codependent to merge with and to help them. They seek someone to provide stability and balance their changeable emotions. A codependent or narcissist who acts self-sufficient and controls his or her feelings can provide a perfect match. The borderline’s partner vicariously comes alive through the melodrama provided by BPD.The person with BPD may appear to be the underdog in the relationship, while his or her partner is the steady, needless and caretaking top dog. In fact, both are codependent and it’s hard for either of them to leave. They each exercise control in different ways.The non-BPD may do it through caretaking. A codependent who also yearns for love and fears abandonment can become the perfect caretaker for someone with BPD (whom they sense won’t leave). The codependent is easily seduced and carried away by romance and the person with BPD’s extreme openness and vulnerability. Passion and intense emotions are enlivening to the person without BPD, who finds being alone depressing or experiences healthy people as boring.Codependents already have low self-esteem and poor boundaries, so they placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give over more and more control to the borderline and further seal their low self-esteem and the couple’s codependency.Borderlines need boundaries. Setting a boundary can sometimes snap them out of their delusional thinking. Calling their bluff also is helpful. Both strategies require that you build his or her self-esteem, learn to be assertive, and derive outside emotional support. Giving in to them and giving them control does not make them feel more safe, but the opposite. BPD affects women more than men and about two percent of the U.S. population. BPD usually is diagnosed in young adulthood when there has been a pattern of impulsivity and instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions. They may use alcohol, food, or drugs or other addiction to try to self-medicate their pain, but it only exacerbates it.Like all personality disorders, BPD exists on a continuum, from mild to severe. To diagnose BPD, at least five of the following symptoms must be enduring and present in a variety of areas:

The cause of BPD is not clearly known, but often there has been neglect, abandonment, or abuse in childhood and possibly genetic factors. People who have a first-degree relative with BPD are five times more likely to develop BPD themselves. Research has shown brain changes in the ability to regulate emotions. Unlike narcissists, who often avoid therapy, borderlines usually welcome it; however, before recent treatment innovations, its effectiveness had been questioned. Use of medication and DBT, CBT, and some other modalities have proven helpful. Borderlines need structure, and a combination of knowing that they’re cared about and firm boundaries communicated calmly.Today, BPD is no longer a life sentence. Studies have shown that some people recover on their own, some improve with weekly therapy, and some require hospitalization. Long-term treatment is required for maximum results, with symptom relief increasingly improving. A 10-year study showed substantial remission after 10 years.Use of medication and DBT, CBT, schema therapy and some other modalities have proven helpful. Most individuals with BPD have another co-occurring diagnosis, such as addiction or depression. Acute symptoms diminish more readily than temperamental ones, such as anger, loneliness, and emptiness and abandonment or dependency issues.Borderlines need structure, and a combination of knowing that they’re cared about plus boundaries that are communicated calmly and firmly. For partners, it’s also important to seek therapy in order to raise your self-esteem, learn to be assertive, and set boundaries. See my blog on “How to Spot Manipulation” and my books and e-workbooks for helpful exercises.

Borderline personality disorder is a personality disorder that is characterized by a recurring, long-standing pattern of having unstable relationships with others — romantic, friendships and with family members. It’s marked by impulsivity in decision-making. People with borderline personality disorder often swing from one emotion to another easily and quickly, and their self-image changes just as often.If there’s an overarching defining characteristic of someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder, it’s that they often seem like they are ping-ponging back and forth between everything in their life. Relationships, emotions, and self-image change as often as the weather, in reaction to something happening around them, such as stress, bad news, or a perceived slight. They rarely feel satisfaction or happiness in life, are often bored and filled with feelings of emptiness.The term “borderline” means in-between one thing and another. Originally, this term was used when the clinician was unsure of the correct diagnosis because the client manifested a mixture of neurotic and psychotic symptoms. Many clinicians thought of these clients as being on the border between neurotic and psychotic, and thus the term “borderline” came into use.The term “borderline” has sometimes been used in a number of ways in society that are quite different from the formal diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder (BPD). In some circles, “borderline” is still used as a “catch-all” diagnosis for individuals who are hard to diagnose or is interpreted as meaning “nearly psychotic,” despite a lack of empirical support for this conceptualization of the disorder.Additionally, with the recent popularity of “borderline” as a diagnostic category and the reputation of these clients as being difficult to treat, “borderline” is often used as a generic label for difficult clients — or as a reason (or excuse) for a patient’s psychotherapy going badly.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality DisorderThere are nine primary symptoms associated with borderline personality disorder (a person needs to have at least 5 of these to qualify for a diagnosis):

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable, intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealizing others, to de-valuing them.

A disturbance in their identity, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Answer the following questions and see how many you answer “yes” and how many you answer “no” to. The more yes answers, the more likely you are in an abusive , narcissistic, and/or borderline relationship.

My loved one calls me names, such as stupid or worthless, or other equally degrading terms.

My loved one mocks, belittles, or uses a patronizing tone of voice when addressing me.

This person often undermines my authority with my children.

I try not to challenge or disagree with my partner.

If I don’t agree with what my loved one wants me to do then I pay a heavy price in one way or another.

My loved one threatens to leave or does leave abruptly when I say or do things he/she does not like.

My loved one breaks things around the house when angry or upset.

My partner pouts when “hurt.”

My loved one yells at me and curses at me.

My partner does not do his/her fair share of household responsibilities, often acting as if chores are beneath him/her.

When I try to talk about my feelings with my loved one, he/she does not show caring and may even use what I’ve shared against me.

My partner acts one way in front of others and much differently behind closed doors.

When a conflict occurs, my partner does not try to resolve it. In fact, I don’t think my partner can resolve a conflict with me.

My loved one often uses implications to make me feel bad about myself, frequently keeping me off balance in the relationship.

I read a lot of books on how to improve relationships; and/or I research the internet and read as much as I can about abusive relationships, narcissism, or borderline personality disorder.

I am usually, if not always blamed for our problems.

My loved one disregards my needs and/or feelings and/or desires.

My loved one badgers me and/or manipulates me to get his/her way.

My loved one pouts or sulks when he/she is mad or upset with me about something, or does not get his/her way.

My loved one blows up when I try to ask him/her a question in order to hold him/her accountable to something.

My loved one refuses to listen to my point of view.

My loved one uses sarcasm and ridicule to control me.

My loved one has used threats against me in order to control me.

My loved ignores my texts and phone calls, and only answers them on his/her time table.

I feel trapped in my relationship with this person.

I don’t feel like I can be myself in this relationship.

I feel that I am treated like a child in this relationship.

I often feel like the parent in this relationship.

I usually feel tense around my loved one.

I am afraid of this person.

I feel physically ill when I am around this person.

I do not like to tell others what is really happening in my relationship.

My partner often acts like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I tend to use substances, food, or other addictive behaviors to cope with my relationship.

My partner has an air of detachment about him/her, and oftentimes tends to bedisengaged with others.

My loved one often feels envious of others.

When I’m around this person I often feel like I’m bad or failing at something, but can’t quite figure out what.

I often ponder if I’m crazy or my partner is crazy or both.

My relationship seems like an addiction.

No matter how many “yes” questions I answer, I still stay in my relationship.

The greater number of “yes” answers to these questions, indicates a greater level of abuse or toxicity occurring in your relationship. While all close relationships will involve some level of misunderstandings and hurt feelings, a chronically toxic relationship will show consistent patterns of abuse.