Wednesday, 24 October 2012

I blogged about this before. Fifty words for a story is a challenge for adult writers, particularly if the rule is that no words can be repeated.

My writers club after school today were challenged to suggest a character, a setting and an object. They chose 'Charlie', the woods and a sword, all of which had to feature in their work.

This is the piece we came up with together, editing the pronouns and articles so that they didn't repeat.

Fossil Woods stood tall, dark and brooding. Something snuffled through the undergrowth searching more in hope than expectation for hidden treasure. Suddenly a glint caught his eye, then snagged Charlie's paw. Sir Brian would be pleased! He had found, after several years of trying, Excalibur; King Arthur's almighty, powerful sword.

This is the best independent effort from the children.

He staggered sluggishly up California's creepy sidewalk on Devon Avenue. Shimmering brightly in the Sun, a copper Caspian made sword lay in front of the neighbours' house. Mum stopped outside shouting 'Have you packed for the trip?' Charlie hated camping. He raised the weapon, and struck his mother down dead.

They said it was the hardest thing they had ever written. However they could do 300 words with little difficulty!

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Have you ever had that conversation that begins 'Can you recommend one of those Swedish novels we always see you reading?' or 'I want to get into Nordic Noir that you're always talking about'? No? Me neither actually. Regular readers will have seen my Fifty Shades Parodies, and will know that I am fighting a solo battle to bring good literature into my staffroom.Nonetheless I have a great Swedish novel to recommend to those with such inclination. The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared, is the first novel by Jonas Jonasson.

What a title! Jonasson came up with the title first and fitted the story around it, an unusual writing approach, but one that produced something quite unique.

There are books that whilst reading and reach the last hundred pages, you think 'thank heavens this is nearly over'. Equally there are books which everyone seems to be reading, on the tube, passed around the 'ballet mums', those that hang around in the top 50 for months, only to re-emerge some time later when the sequel or the film/television adaptation comes out.

For this book however I was disappointed to reach the last 100 pages, as I realised that my thorough laugh-out-loud enjoyment was about to end. It is the kind of book that I encounter perhaps once a year, that I have to tell people about and want to share. Last year incidentally it was The Breaking of Eggs by Jim Powell.

Allan Karlson is One Hundred Years old on the first page of the book, in his room at the old peoples' home, waiting for a party that he has no wish to attend, so he does what is says on the tin, and leaves wearing his carpet slippers.

What unfolds is a tale of death, gangsters, a hopeless police manhunt, and a cast of unlikely characters who bond through the combination of their personal circumstances and the most fantastical turns of fortune. One man dies twice, once in a freezer in the depths of a Swedish forest, secondly at the hands of an incompetent suicide bomber in Djibouti. Don't ask: it needs to be read to be believed. Then there is the elephant whom Allan befriends, and which is involved in one death by sitting down and in another in which the victim isn't actually dead, though the mechanics of stopping a truck with a four and a half ton elephant in it should have rendered this a certainty.

With me so far? Probably not.

Interwoven with this is Allan's past story, and here the fantasy goes into overdrive. The significance of him being one hundred years old means that he has lived through the crucial events of the Twentieth Century. As an explosive expert, he blows up his own house. Twice. This leads to spells in a mental institution, and on his escape to the Spanish Civil War, where he inadvertently saves the life of General Franco. Subsequent events take him to China where he befriends Mao, thence onto an encounter with Churchill, before events conspire to send him to Los Alamos where in serving coffee to Oppenheimer he reveals the secret that enables The Bomb to be built. Getting drunk with Harry Truman, encountering Stalin, seven years in the Gulag only to burn down Vladivostok, escaping via war torn Korea with his new best friend, Einstein's illegitimate younger brother. You couldn't make it up, but Jonasson did and it certainly works.

A work of complete fantasy, but one of the funniest books I have read for a very long time, and one I would certainly recommend.

It is being filmed too, in Swedish, starring Robert Gustafsson, 'the funniest man in Sweden', but of course you knew that already.

So if you would like something different in your Christmas book list this year, this is the book for you. Njuta av läsning!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

This morning's 'Times' has a feature in the 'Weekend' section entitled 'The new middle-class top 50: How many can you tick?'Well the answer in my case was four- Jamie Oliver, Chorizo, Fish Fingers, and Dinner parties in the kitchen. On one occasion all four were involved thanks to the presence of small children. Dinner parties have to be in the kitchen; that's where our dining table is.This was however a very 'North London' list: anyone who was at the University of Warwick in the 1980s like me will know what I mean by that. This was where I first heard of Camden Market, clothes from charity shops and kumquat and aubergine risotto. As teachers we are in an archetypal middle class occupation, yet my wife and I both come from working class roots. What defines class? Profession, money, aspiration, expectation?Of course lists like this are tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be followed or taken seriously. Or are they. There were no prawn sandwich munchers on the terraces in the 1980s, yet in the 90s people who never would have dreamt about setting foot in a football stadium did so in their droves, helping to change the face of a game once described as working class ballet.Sorry to 'The Times' but your list is pretentious waffle. This is my own tongue-in-cheek 50 step guide to being middle-class, SE7 style!1. Don't follow how to be middle-class guides in the papers! You don't need to be told what to do.2. My eldest daughter, then aged 8, asking for balsamic vinegar on her chips.3. My youngest daughter, then 5, knowing to dip bread into olive oil and vinegar on holiday in Spain.4. Growing my own vegetables in the front garden.5. Having a herb bed just for our guinea pigs.6. Growing my own salad on the window ledge. 7. Making my own chicken stock.8. Making my own soup- no Covent Garden soups in this house.9. Watching sub-titled films for genuine enjoyment.10. Watching Nordic Noir TV not because it's trendy to do so, but because it's actually very good.11. Not reading books because everyone else is: Fifty Shades? Oh please! 12. Not reading the books that are seen to be trendy: I hated Life of Pi, Captain Corelli, Wolf Hall, and barely tolerated the Da Vinci Code. 13. Reading what I genuinely enjoy, and not being told what to read. 14. Making my own sushi.15. Making my own tapas. 16. Choosing not to watch the X-factor- not because it's ironic, but because it is just exploitative. And crap!17. Having the neighbours round to watch Strictly Come Dancing. 18. Being in awe of the dancers on SCD- and having two left feet!19. Asking advice from the chef in restaurants. 20. Listening to good wine advice in the off-license. 21. Going on holiday to places we want to go, not because everyone else is. We do remote- Orkney, Donegal, Western Isles. 22. Realising the Sky+ box is full of programmes from BBC4.23. Other favourite channels: Sky Arts, Film 4.24. Realising my wife has more male friends than female friends.25. Realising I have more female friends than male friends.26. Taking our children to our gay friends' civil partnership ceremony. Got up the noses of my 'Christian' colleagues.27. Not blaming bad behaviour on ADHD. It's bad parenting or the children are little sods!28. Supporting the local football club. Though a lifelong fan of 'The People's Club', thats's Everton for the uninitiated, Charlton Athletic are a superb community club and having seen them in the Championship and League One shows there is decent football outside the Premier League.29. Growing my own cut flowers.30. Tweeting Monty Don and showing off that my tomato crop was better than his this year. 31. Growing my own Christmas Tree. Planted seeds when first married. Might be ready for our Golden Anniversary. Currently a foot tall!!32. The dishwasher being blocked by an olive pip. Honest!33. Unwittingly being the most ardent feminist at school.34. Drinking real ales, not because it's trendy, but because they actually taste very good.35. Looking at the meat percentage in sausages- the lowest I have found is 9%.36. Coming up with increasingly more elaborate stories for the unsolicited phone calls 'He will be back later. Who am I? His wife's toyboy lover?' : 'You bastards! How insensitive can you be? You can't speak to my wife, she left me last week!'37. Pissing off the Jehovah's Witnesses- wife at door, me from kitchen 'Darling! Can you come back here please; I need you to hold the goat still before I slaughter it and daub the children with its blood. 38. Buying a two euro bottle of Chianti on holiday in Italy on the advice of the locals and finding it was far better than the £12 bottle from M&S we bought when we came back. 39. Being proud of my Northern roots.40. Being able to turn on Northern accent because being told off in a Northern accent is actually far more effective than a 'refined' one. Imagine 'bastard' with a flat /a/ rather than an /ar/ sound. 41. Breeding own guinea pigs! Accidentally! Started with two, ended with 14! Daphne now Dizzee! 42. Not being one of those people whose voice and opinion you just have to hear wherever you are; and whose voice grates; as if they have been the only person in the world to have had a baby, lost a job, been lied about, been lied to, been let down, been shopping, been on holiday. Bloody shut up! Sorry ranting!!!43. Being a loyal husband and having a loyal and loving wife. 44. Being a loyal friend.45. Being a trusted colleague.46. Being a good parent. 47. Not putting up with anyone else's ego or bullshit. 48. Being me! And not what anyone else wants me to be! 49. Spending too much time on Twitter!50. Blogging!Hooray!! 50/50! I win! Actually I don't! Class doesn't mean social standing, whether you can do wonderful things with courgettes or taramasalata, or how popular you are with friends. It means decency, loyalty, honesty, friendship, not putting yourself before others, having a sense of humour, seeing the best in life and in every opportunity that comes your way. Discuss!!

Thursday, 4 October 2012

I wrote this for my class as their Leavers Assembly in 2011 and its sat on my USB stick ever since.Any teachers out there, feel free to use it with your class. If you know Steven Moffat, can you direct him this way; I wouldn't mind having a go at a full episode!

Phoebe is late for school and comes huffing and puffing up the path and steps

Miss Rowley:And what time do you call this!

Phoebe:Sorry that I’m late. You see…

Miss Rowley:Late! Late!! You are three months late! I suppose you have a note.

Phoebe:I do as a matter of fact (pulls dog eared and battered note from pocket)

Miss Rowley:(Reading) Dear Miss Rowley. Please excuse Phoebe for her lateness as she has been stuck in a time warp and battling aliens. Do you seriously expect me to believe this rubbish?

Phoebe:Yes Miss!

Miss Rowley: And I suppose your homework is delayed because you were fighting malevolent species from another dimension too?

Phoebe: Funny you should say that but ……

Miss Rowley:Enough of that already! Well since you have been away we have a change of teaching assistant. Give your excuses to her.

Dalek: (From off stage) A pathetic excuse for your homework. You will be exterminated!

Phoebe: Oh no! Not again!!

Doctor Who Music

Doctor1:Pond! Pond!! Where are you Pond?

Amy: Doctor! Help!

Doctor1:Are you stuck on that Sudoku again? Hang on, I feel a bit funny?

(Collapses rolls around and regenerates)

Doctor2:There it goes again! Now let’s have a look! Fashion sense good! Still not ginger! Still not a girl! Fantastic.

Rory:Doctor? Is that you?

Doctor2:Yes yes! Time for a little tidy up I thought! Now you got something to tell me!

Rory:Yes Doctor! Another breach in the fabric of the space and time continuum I’m afraid.

Doctor2:Ah that old chestnut! Do you like Marmite?

Rory:No.

Doctor2:Neither do I, can’t stand the stuff. Good for fixing the old TARDIS circuit breakers though. Lovely glutinous quality. Now where are we?

Rory:It seems we are on Earth in the year 2011.

Doctor2:(Looking out of the door) It’s a pretty ugly looking crowd out there!

Rory: No you still have those goggles from the planet Seigob where the whole population was green and slimy and looked like, well let’s not go there. Take them off, they look harmless.

Doctor2:Let me be the judge of that (Examining one of teachers) Just as I thought. Not a sign of any intelligent life. (Examining another) In fact the scan indicates nothing in the cranial cavity whatsoever.

Rory:That’s a real no brainer! Ha-ha!

Doctor2:Now. Rory. Let me make one thing clear. I do the jokes around here. Now what’s through here? (Exits- re-enter as Doctor 3)

Doctor3:There it goes again! Now let’s have a look! Fashion sense good! Still not ginger! Still not a girl! Fantastic.

Rory:Doctor? Is that you?

Doctor3:Yes yes! Time for a little tidy up I thought! Now you got something to tell me!

Rory:Yes Doctor! Another breach in the fabric of the space and time continuum I’m afraid.

Doctor3:Ah that old chestnut! Do you like Marmite?

Rory:No.

Doctor3:Neither do I, can’t stand the stuff. Good for fixing the old TARDIS circuit breakers though. Lovely glutinous quality. Now where are we?

Rory:Am I having a sense of déjà-vu?

Doctor3:No, I just think you have seen all this before.

(Meanwhile- elsewhere in the school)

Miss Towles:It’s that Phoebe again Miss Rowley. No homework again for the 47th time this term and we’ve only been back for four weeks.

Miss Rowley:And what is her excuse this time? The dog ate it; it fell into the barbecue; lost it behind the fridge; passed out at the smell of her brothers socks and was in a coma all weekend?

Miss Towles:No. She was just reading it when she was hit by a meteorite, and as she woke up she found Darth Vader running away with it and throwing it into a Black Hole.

Miss Rowley:If that girl put as much effort into her work as her excuses, she would be a genius! There she is get her!

Phoebe:Oh no! They are going to catch me. Why don’t I hide in that Police Box?(looks in and out of the door in confusion) Have I been drinking too much Sunny D or something but I swear that this box is bigger on the inside than the outside.

Dalek3:We are the ultimate killing machine. How about something with some fighting in it?

Shakespeare:I have just the perfect thing Romeo and Juliet.

Dalek1: Urgh! Not all that kissing and stuff.

Shakespeare:No the opening is just up your street.

(Meanwhile)

Doctor5: Definitely getting a sense of something not quite right here. I suspect the Daleks.

Phoebe: Hmmm. Well it couldn't get any worse I suppose. There is a bloke at the back talking to some compost bins.

Rory:Ooh what’s that!

Do wobbly arms motion.Sarah- Jane and K9 appear.

Doctor5:Sarah-Jane Smith of all the people. How did you end up here?

Sarah-Jane:Doctor! It is you. I would recognise your face anywhere? All 11 of them.

Rory: How did she get here?

Doctor5:What we have here, is a classic case of the Daleks trying to cause a massive rift in the space time continuum. They have latched on to uncertainty and fear and have exploited it to cause an emergency temporal shift dispersing people across time. We must stop this or the contradiction in space time could result in the termination of all reality as we know it!

Phoebe:I have no idea what you're on about. In English please?

DoctorSarah-Jane has time travelled and so have the actors. If we don’t solve this the world will end.

Phoebe:(Open mouthed. Gulps) Right. I think I liked it better with the sci-fi jargon.

Shakespeare:Ah you must be our additional players. Quick learn this. We have an ugly crowd out there.

Doctor5: That’s the second time today. Now be careful people. They look like Daleks to me.

Phoebe: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Dalek2:I do bite my thumb, sir.

Sarah-Jane:Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Dalek3:No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir. Nosir I have no thumbs sir so Iwill exterminate you sir!

Doctor7:See I am virtually indestructible. But don’t tell anyone about choking on a jelly baby. I have a reputation to keep up.

Phoebe:Why do all these things keep happening?

Doctor7:(Scanning with sonic screwdriver) Well the scan would indicate an indolence consequential to deficiency in domestic assignment termination.

Phoebe:Come again!

Rory:He means you are a lazy little toad who never completes her homework properly.

Sarah-Jane: So all these things are down to you. Because you didn’t do your homework properly the whole fabric of time and space has split.

Phoebe:I know I should have listened to my school master.

(Meanwhile at the side)

The Master: There is only one Master he should be listening to. As should everyone else. Hahahahahahaha!!!! Isn’t that right Ernie?

Ernie:Yes Master! Hahahahahahaha!!!!

The Master:Little do they know that this is part of a giant game and I am gathering all the planets of the Galaxy into one place using my knowledge of gravitational attraction to threaten them with destruction if my demands are not met.

Ernie:At least you did your homework! Hahahahahahaha!!!!

The Master:I will allow you that little joke but next time I will crush you like the gravity of Jupiter if you try to be funny again.

Ernie:Yes Master!

The Master:Hahahahahahaha!!!!

Ernie:(Gulps) Hahahahahahaha!!!!

The Master: Let’s see how they enjoy the island of Crete.

(Back on the TARDIS)

Doctor7: Rory where are we now!

Rory:Crete 345BC. The palace of King Minos.

Phoebe:The Minotaur. There is a Labyrinth of tunnels under the palace and a gruesome monster! Worse than the PPA teacher in my class!!

Sarah-Jane:That must be truly hideous!

Doctor7: As bad as this? (Changes into Doctor8)

Sarah-Jane:Not bad but not as cute as David Tennant!

Phoebe:Quick someone is coming.

King Minos:Ah! The latest victims from King Aegeus! More meals for my brutal creature.

Doctor8:Has he eaten school dinners! His breath smells really bad!

King Minos:Only those brave enough can survive the labyrinth. No-one has so far.

Rory:And if we go in....

Phoebe:We face certain death.

Sarah-Jane:Just to make that clear!

Amy:Doctor! Help!

Rory, Phoebe,

Sarah-Jane: Amy! Shut up!

Doctor8: Now do we split up and become snacks for the beast or stay together and be one main course!

King Minos:I tried to make him eat some hummus and he said!

Doctor8:No?

King Minos:Then I tried to make him eat some feta cheese and he said!

Rory:No, no?

King Minos: So then I tried to make him eat a kebab and he said.

Doctor8 and assistants:No, no, no!! (Start dancing badly)

King Minos:Not funny!! Now get down there before I poke you with Poseidon’s trident.

Phoebe:It is very dark. What does the screwdriver show?

Doctor8:Let me just look around this corner.

(Exits stage re-enters as Doctor9)

Doctor9:Really very important that you do not shut your eyes?

Sarah-Jane:Why?

Angel1:HISS!!!

Phoebe: A statue! What is scary about that? (Angel moves closer and scarier) AAAAAARRRGH!!!

Rory:I remember. Don’t make eye contact and don’t blink. Otherwise we become one of them.

Angel2:HISS!!

Doctor9:Not looking! Not looking!

Sarah-Jane: Round this corner. Very carefully. Amy watch out!!

Amy:Doctor! Help!

Angel3:HISS!!

Doctor9:Now everyone listen to me! I may not be very handsome but this is your best option. If you don’t listen you won’t.

Phoebe:Won’t learn. Yeah I know the drill.

Doctor9: No! Won’t live! You will turn to stone.

(Doctor, assistants and Angels move around Labyrinth- angels freeze every time they are seen)

Amy:Doctor! Help!

Amy:Doctor! Help!

Amy:Doctor! Help!

Doctor9: Enough of this! Follow me everyone! Do as I do?

(Everytime they bump into angel all pull an angel pose- angels run off one by one)

Doctor9:See! Quite simple really. Just don’t turn away from them after you see one. (Turns away turns back as an angel appears- turns to stone)

Rory:Doctor?

Doctor10:Just as well I was here then! Now where is this Beast? Nothing nasty in here.

Rose: You hadn’t reckoned on me! Five years I have been here waiting for you.