Some political observers — particularly hyper-aware voters and road-weary campaign hacks — are already exhausted by the prospect of having to endure 17 more months of geopolitical grandstanding, nationwide caucusing and relentless speechifying only to wind up with a well-telegraphed grudge match between two languishing political dynasties.
And who can blame them?
The field for the 2016 presidential race is already dizzyingly packed. And the burgeoning roster is littered with more retreads than a used-tire lot.
Many of the aspiring commanders in chief have taken a run at the Oval Office before, or at least tested the presidential waters and then cut bait when it became painfully obvious the general public was simply not going to bite. Even those giving it their first serious go-around are already old news; most of the “newcomers” have unofficially been auditioning for the job since showing up on the national stage — which makes it hard to swallow their anti-establishment posturing given that they remain deeply entrenched in the status quo they religiously revile.
Since none of the candidates can wipe their respective slates totally clean, the least we can do is help freshen things up a bit.
Which is why Heard on the Hill took it upon itself to feed every would-be POTUS into the fabled Wu-Tang Name Generator.
That’s right, the same methodology employed to craft the aliases of the wildly diverse members of the Grammy Award-winning, multiplatinum album-selling rap group has now been utilized to rebrand the army of candidates expected to barnstorm across the country from now until November 2016.
Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush
(Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Dubya’s younger bro already sports a sobriquet (his Christian name is John Ellis Bush). But “Jeb” isn’t nearly as hard (or melodic) as: Bastard, BASTARD HarbourMastah.
Tea party poster boy Ben Carson
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
The invective-hurling neurosurgeon shall henceforth be known as: Ungrateful Ninja.
Former Sen. Lincoln Chafee
(CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Assuming the party-switching pol chooses to capitalize on his Wu-mentum, it would make perfect sense for Budget Nudist to let it all hang out from now until Election Day.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Would you rather be judged by your coiffure, Curly-Haired Slacker, or your waist line?
Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Madam secretary, rise and become Ol’ Mucky Terrahawk. (Think it’ll fly with the electorate?)
Sen. Ted Cruz
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
The Texas Republican got dubbed Temporary Spastic. Sounds like your reputation for impromptu story times and sporadic web trolling precedes you.
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Tough to put a positive spin on this one, Victorian Cow. Still, feel free to milk it — much like your multi-million dollar severance package — for all it’s worth.
Sen. Lindsey Graham
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
The South Carolina Republican is no stranger to calling out colleagues on Capitol Hill. After embracing the Detective Ventriloquist persona, he could, in theory, investigate who’s mucking up minds with rhetorical nonsense out on the campaign trail.
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee
(Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Repeat after me, Tha 23rd Buchan: If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
We can’t help but wonder if you got stuck with Auxillary Priest, sir, because you’d pretty much need divine intervention to clinch the nomination.
Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley
(Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
It’s tough to break through to the rarified air of media darling, eh, Undiscovered Bum?
Former New York Gov. George Pataki
(CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Think of it this way, Ol’ Filthy, Sweaty Bastard: You should clean up with ODB fans (RIP, Big Baby Jesus.).
Sen. Rand Paul
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call)
The Kentucky Republican also pulled the Auxillary Priest card — likely because NOTHING is expected to make it through the Senate these days without his blessing.
Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry
(Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
What better way to put that whole “homosexuality is a lifestyle choice” ugliness behind you than to proclaim yourself the Lesbian Pimp?
Sen. Marco Rubio
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Were we to take the glass-half-full approach to this latest development, Contagious Specialist, we’d hazard to guess that you’ll never again have to share a bottle of water with anyone after this identity swap.
Sen. Bernard Sanders
(Scott J. Ferrell/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
The female vote is yours to lose, Womanly Panther.
Former Sen. Rick Santorum
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
Sure, you might have to haggle with this yoga-loving, self-styled fashionista for ultimate control of the Flippant She-Creature moniker. But at least you’ll finally have Dan Savage off your back.
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker
(Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
The only way we can see for you to walk away with the Childish Gambino mantle is to face off against the original CG — “Community” alumnus Donald Glover — in a winner-takes-all rap battle. Just make sure to protect ya neck.
“Don’t be mad cuz I’m doing me better than you doing you,” Glover warns poseurs in his 2014 track “Sweatpants.”
Former Sen. Jim Webb
(Chris Maddaloni/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
The Virginia Democrat, who proved to be a workhorse on veterans’ affairs issues during his stint on Capitol Hill, might have some difficulty transitioning into his new role as Big Gay Mule.
Much love, playas. But your trusty HOH correspondent, International Cow, has to bounce.
Peace.
Correction 5:14 p.m.
A previous version of this post misspelled Lincoln Chafee's last name.
The 114th: CQ Roll Call's Guide to the New Congress
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