Forgive and forget, the old saying goes. But what happens if you can’t forget? How do you forgive? How do you let go and move on?

Having an excellent memory can make it hard for someone with Asperger's to let go

Many people with Asperger Syndrome (AS) have an extraordinary ability to remember both factual information and past events. At a recent support group, ten adults with AS of all ages – myself among them – shared detailed experiences reaching back to our early childhoods, even our infancies. Now, on the face of it, there is nothing wrong with this. In fact, it’s quite remarkable. Neurotypicals envy this keen ability to recollect. But something was wrong. Because every one of us (and, again, I include myself) was relating, in excruciating detail, bad things that had been done to us and that we had done. Many of these bad things resulted from misunderstandings between a person with AS and someone without; some involved regrettable actions borne of exasperation (like punishing a child for incomprehensible, but ultimately unintentional, behaviors); and a few entailed actual malice or intent to harm. But whatever the individual circumstances, the feeling in the room that day was unmistakable: We were angry. We were hurt. We were blaming. And the personal insults that we were recalling with such raw intensity? They had happened two, three, perhaps five decades ago. There is a downside to having a phenomenal memory. You can’t let go.

Bad memories and blame

Many of my own raw, “unforgettable” memories have to do with the poor quality of psychiatric and medical care I have received in the past (I suffer from recurrent depression, anxiety and chronic pain). I also harbor anger toward my parents, who during my childhood were sometimes quite unwell, for not meeting all my needs when I was growing up. But the most excruciating of all these memories have to do with my own mistakes and misgivings. This was also true of the other adults in my support group. We struggle continually with self-blame and low self-esteem. The people we are least able to forgive are ourselves. I don’t know exactly why it’s so hard for people with Asperger’s to let go of bad memories and, most especially, to let go of blame. Part of it is our strong recollection, but I think it’s more than that. Maybe poor theory of mind or black-and-white thinking prevents us from distinguishing intentional misdeeds from honest mistakes, making us inclined to lay blame even if an action was well-intended. Maybe our (common) perfectionism, high standards, and strong ethics make it particularly hard for us to accept and release past transgressions. Maybe the repetitive nature of our minds transforms negative memories into tape reels stuck on “replay,” just as we return over and over to enjoyable thoughts and activities – our “special interests.” Maybe. I don’t really know.

The four reminders

I do know that it hurts – a lot – and that I’ve struggled with it all my life. I do know that it develops a sticky, obsessive quality. I can rehash my angers and hurts and resentments a thousand times and not make any headway in resolving them. So recently, after years of spinning my wheels, I developed what I call my Four Reminders: four reassuring statements I can say to myself when in the grips of tough memories and strong emotions: 1)These (remembered) events happened in the past. They are not happening right now. Right now, I am safe, empowered, and free. (This statement echoes the grounding techniques often used to manage post-traumatic stress. Many people with AS do live with some degree of post-traumatic stress, because the experience of navigating the world with AS – particularly undiagnosed AS – can lead to any number of upsetting and even traumatic experiences.) 2)The difficult things that happened to me were not personal. They could have happened to anyone. Everyone has bad experiences, for one reason or another; my reasons just happened to have to do with my family, my illnesses, and my Asperger’s. Not everyone has these same problems, but few people make it through life without bad things happening to them. 3)Some difficult things happen by mistake. I make mistakes. My providers make mistakes. My family members make mistakes. Some mistakes are unavoidable, even when we’re all doing the best we can. It doesn’t mean we aren’t trying. It’s just life. 4)My bad memories may or may not be accurate. Extensive scientific investigation shows that memories are not reliable (even when we’re “sure”), and that the more we call a memory to mind, the more it gets changed or “reconstructed.” Just imagine if some of the things I have obsessed about hundreds or thousands of times in my life didn’t even happen that way! By the time I have gone through the Four Reminders, I am usually calm enough to go do something to distract myself. In this way, I am sometimes able to let go of a painful memory and take a tiny step toward forgiveness. And if I still can’t let go? My final option is to let it be. Remembering, as the old saying goes, that this too shall pass.

Jacqui, this piece really resonated with me, and thank you so much for the helpful advice! I will keep in mind the Four Reminders, and use them whenever I dwell on a bad memory. Your writing skills are also incredible!
Your fellow AANE blogger,
Mia J. Salaz

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Rob L

11/12/2015 07:59:47 pm

Very good, helpful to read. It is all helpful but #4 of the reminders most impressively so and reflects particular wisdom.

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Kelly

2/25/2016 09:26:51 am

I agree with all of the above - extremely insightful, well-written and helpful. Thank you!

I have a hard time letting go. I understand people make mistakes. I callbit human factors, and the unpredictability of it all. My wife has made mistakes like backingbthe car out of the garage and knocking the door off the hinges twice. Second time the door is pretty much junk now. I went so extreme, i built a carport, and she doesnt park in the garage anymore. For eome reason all the garage door problems ceased after this. I get angry because i feel like this could have all been avoided. I tend to assign blame over things like this, play it over and over in my mind. Just going outside thru the garage and now hearing everything creak and groan now where it never did that before pisses me off. Its like i cant let it all go. I dont like being alone, but sometimes being married and having kids drives me nuts. Makes me think a lot of times just what the hell was i thinking. I am sure most of this is AS.

I recently found out an old fiance of mine whom i lost contact with had died 12 years ago. I cannot seem to let go. Its so fresh in my mind. How everything ended. I wanted to say i was sorry for how it all went, but cannot even do that because she is gone.

I think i look at things and emotions, feelings etc so much differently than most people. Sometimes it hurts. The bad stuff plays over and over in my head what seems all the time. I sometimes wonder if other people feel this way.

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Angela Jacobsen

8/31/2017 04:33:02 pm

You are not alone! I cant let things go either. I just learned at 39 that I have aspergers. My sister was complaining about me to her therapist and her therapist said "Is your sister autistic?" She did some research and presented the idea to me. After watching countless youtube videos of people describing aspergers and reading blogs like this I realized it was true. Today I was in the kitchen thinking about how I cant let things go and it occurred to me that it might be a symptom of aspergers. I remember things that bothered me that happened when I was in pre school and it still pisses me off. My husband drank all of my juice that was in the fridge and I was so mad I could barely contain myself. He's careless with things and always breaks or damages stuff and it drives me nuts because I'm insanely thoughtful as to how something could potentially get damaged. I keep mental notes of all of the things he's damaged out of carelessness as well as a mental tab of how much those things cost. Then I think of the money I could have saved had i not had to fix or replace those things and I get mad. I like having ,y husband. He is really patient with me and accepts me for who i am for the most part. But at the same time I miss being alone. My kindergarten report card said i like being in control and it is true. When you're alone you get to have things your way all the time. When something bothers me its all I can think about. I like having my family over for celebrations and I make dinner etc. If something goes wrong like my favorite bread store was out of baguettes and I had to get crackers instead...regardless of how perfect everything else is all I will think of is how much better dinner would have been if we had bread not crackers. And if it was someone else's fault like they forgot I asked for bread... oh boy! ill be mad and throw that in your face forever. Every time you go to the store Ill write you a note circling and double highlighting important stuff...and ill still likely call you to make sure you don't forget. Then text you to make sure you didn't leave it in the cart lol I'm still pissed at this girl that talked to much in front of me in a concert 5 years ago. I saw her recently in a restaurant and it took every ounce of self control not to tell her what I thought of her.

I am the same too, I may forgive people wrong doings after say 10 yrs but once my trust is broken that's it, I dont forget, I won't ever go back to the same person eg dentist again, no matter how much they say sorry as sometimes they dont change, & they just want u to change the reviews u put about them on their site, I dont tell anybody anything about myself ever only on here, trustmyself, dr, my dentist is moving away & I gng to him again seeing it not far away, I can't bear to go back if he not there, once I do trust someone, I am a very very very faithful friend,

I am the same too, I may forgive people wrong doings after say 10 yrs but once my trust is broken that's it, I dont forget, I won't ever go back to the same person eg dentist again, no matter how much they say sorry as sometimes they dont change, & they just want u to change the reviews u put about them on their site, I dont tell anybody anything about myself ever only on here, trustmyself, dr, my dentist is moving away & I gng to him again seeing it not far away, I can't bear to go back if he not there, once I do trust someone, I am a very very very faithful friend,

I am the same too, I may forgive people wrong doings after say 10 yrs but once my trust is broken that's it, I dont forget, I won't ever go back to the same person eg dentist again, no matter how much they say sorry as sometimes they dont change, & they just want u to change the reviews u put about them on their site, I dont tell anybody anything about myself ever only on here, trustmyself, dr, my dentist is moving away & I gng to him again seeing it not far away, I can't bear to go back if he not there, once I do trust someone, I am a very very very faithful friend,

I am the same too, I may forgive people wrong doings after say 10 yrs but once my trust is broken that's it, I dont forget, I won't ever go back to the same person eg dentist again, no matter how much they say sorry as sometimes they dont change, & they just want u to change the reviews u put about them on their site, I dont tell anybody anything about myself ever only on here, trustmyself, dr, my dentist is moving away & I gng to him again seeing it not far away, I can't bear to go back if he not there, once I do trust someone, I am a very very very faithful friend,

I am the same too, I may forgive people wrong doings after say 10 yrs but once my trust is broken that's it, I dont forget, I won't ever go back to the same person eg dentist again, no matter how much they say sorry as sometimes they dont change, & they just want u to change the reviews u put about them on their site, I dont tell anybody anything about myself ever only on here, trustmyself, dr, my dentist is moving away & I gng to him again seeing it not far away, I can't bear to go back if he not there, once I do trust someone, I am a very very very faithful friend,

I am the same too, I may forgive people wrong doings after say 10 yrs but once my trust is broken that's it, I dont forget, I won't ever go back to the same person eg dentist again, no matter how much they say sorry as sometimes they dont change, & they just want u to change the reviews u put about them on their site, I dont tell anybody anything about myself ever only on here, trustmyself, dr, my dentist is moving away & I gng to him again seeing it not far away, I can't bear to go back if he not there, once I do trust someone, I am a very very very faithful friend,

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Richard Jensen

8/10/2016 09:11:54 am

I think that there should be an acceptance of remembering past painful events, but not to sweep them under the rug and pretend that they don't exist, or they are in the past and could not happen again. They are there to learn from and serve as a warning that they could happen again if someone gets themselves into the same situation, childhood or not. Whatever happened in the past makes us what we are, hurtful or not. You can accept the hurt without trying to brainwash yourself into forgetting it. Learn from it. Realize that you were hurt because you put yourself in a vulnerable position and probably didn't handle the situation in the best way. Don't run from it, face it, accept it, and learn not to make the same mistakes. Most of my pain comes from either being misunderstood or being taken advantage of in the past. But I learned to minimize these recurring incidents, and realize that everyone at one time or another is misunderstood, and others will attempt to take advantage of everyone they can. If you try to forget the past, you also forget how to cope with it as well. It's like someone pretending that they never did hard drugs. They need to accept that they are an addict and learn how to deal with their chronic issue, and not forget everything they did and experienced, painful or not. The difference between being an adult and being a child is 18+ years of experience, and putting that experience to good use.

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Jonathan Moore

12/16/2016 05:39:49 pm

Thanks I have always had difficulties letting go of past problems. I have told others about how I remember all bad things that happen. And they don't think that this is real but it is and its tough to deal with. Thank you for the calming words of advice they really help.

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wade mart

2/28/2017 09:14:26 pm

I have a 19 year old son diagnosed with Aspergers. He can not write like this person because he can't think in the same way, though he could understand it. He does not read very much at all and his favorite movies are all action movies with very little dialogue. I'm sorry, but I have hard time believing that this writer has Aspergers.

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Zoey

3/2/2017 10:03:08 am

Aspergers is on "the spectrum." Even Aspergers has it's own spectrum. While all people with Aspergers share a lot of traits, they are not exactly the same. My mom has Aspergers, and is really found of "My Aspergers look like" statements. She recognizes that not all Aspergers manifest the same way, and wants (mainly providers) to recognize that her experience is unique.

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Bryanne Smith

6/11/2017 03:04:13 am

I write with extreme eloquence and have the vocabulary and reading comprehension of someone with several college degrees. I have adequate inflection and tone in my voice and have managed over the years to learn how to pass well enough so that my Aspergers is undetectable in many situations. I was diagnosed at 18. I'm now 33. Motivation to move out of my mother's house coupled with lack of learning disabilities has helped me in a lot of ways to learn how to "pass" for normal. Don't be fooled; I still have Aspergers, and when put under enough stress and turmoil my aspie traits come out full force. Aspergers looks different in every person.

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Ali

7/7/2017 01:07:06 am

I'm an NT who has grown up with an AS father, married an AS man and then got divorced. My latest relationship just ended with s great man who did the" fight and flee" , thing ( and then I realised he's an Aspie too. My advice is, everyone has a past where they regret things they've done. I too dwell on an average childhood. If people with AS could practice apologising for their mistakes more often rather than blaming others I think the world would be easier for all of us. Learn to say a genuine " sorry" even if you don't thoroughly understand what happened. It helps more than you know.

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Angela Jacobsen

8/31/2017 04:45:52 pm

Wow. First of all, I have aspergers and people have told me all my life that I'm an over apologizer. I apologize for everything regardless of whether anything is my fault or not and it makes me seem like I have low self esteem. So me being an exception I can say not all Aspies need to learn to apologize and stop blaming others. Your post is full of blame and generalizations. Is there a chance that you're an aspie too? I think suggesting that people learn to apologize even when they don't understand the situation is strange. Why would you want an apology that wasn't genuine? suggesting people learn to fake being sorry when they sense people are angry sounds really wrong to me. I think maybe you should just not date men with aspergers anymore since they don't have a track record of making you happy and you don't seem capable of letting them be themselves.

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laralee

7/15/2017 07:44:27 am

Thank you !

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Sharon

10/29/2017 04:41:43 pm

I don't forget and very rarely do I forgive. I prefer to stay away from those who I believe have wronged me. That includes anyone in the medical profession- unless circumstances insist upon it. I don't forget, nor do I let the ones who have done wrong in my eyes forget. Still, I should thank them all for giving me ammunition to use in my writing- a life long passion of mine. I stab them with every word that I write. It's better therapy than inhumane psychiatric counselling.

Spot on with this write-up, I truly think this website needs much more consideration. I?ll probably be again to read much more, thanks for that info.

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Nathan

7/12/2018 05:43:37 am

That really moved me & made me feel less alone. I try to live in the moment and accept the things I have no control over, but some days it's such an up hill struggle! Thank god for my dogs and cat, I might not do 'people' well but animals always seem to connect with me.

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Grant Taylor

8/5/2018 06:30:32 pm

My worst memory I can not let go and bothers me every day, is I mistakingly married an abusive woman (3 years) and stayed around another 10 years as we shared joint custody of our daughter. My ex swore during the divorce that when our daughter turns 13 years old, she will then decide if she has to come to my home each week... I thought that would not happen, first that is not legal age, second as long as I loved her unconditionally it would never happen... A week before her 13th she said she no longer wanted to come to my house each week, I begged her not to hurt me like this and at 13 she does not know what is best for herself... it would be like saying she no longer had to brush her teeth... I begged asking what have I done, if I have done something to hurt her, I will fix it, I am soo soo sorry if I did, but have no clue what I have done.. Nothing... It hurt so bad, I fell apart crying uncontrollably and she cruelly said we could go out for dinner sometime... I called her a week later, no go- I cried and said she can not hurt me like this nor disrespect me ...

I haven't spoken to her in 14 years since that call and moved away a few years after that as she never called... I hurt and think about it every damn day.... I heard that people die from broken hearts.... I wish that was true as it is way more preferable that way.

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James Charles

8/13/2018 05:54:30 am

Forgiveness has been difficult for me, even though I have been trying to forgive, but like many autistic individuals I have anger issues which are mainly implosive. Despite that many neurotypical individuals will agree I got bullied both in schools and in employment environments. In addition not only do many autistic individuals remember events of decades ago, as if it were yesterday, individuals like myself with an IQ of 90 will have aggression issues like many individuals who have been drinking much alcohol

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Beth

8/22/2018 10:19:05 am

I think I may have Asperger’s, but I am an adult and I have a son with ADHD and Autism, when I have even reading a lot to better help my son, I realize that some things describe me almost exactly. I feel ashamed to even approach this with anyone in my family or even my partner, because they are not very supporting from my son’s condition and I don’t think they will believe me. My SIL even blamed me for saying my son’s condition, and reprended me saying what a bad mother I am because what I need to do is to lay hands on my son and declaring out f him those legions that bring that behavior in my son and all that fanatic church bullshit. My FIL says he needs a very good round of smacks to make him behave. My partner says I am better prepared to take care of the issue.