On Cookies And Their Uses

by Alan Bruce

Cookies are extremely useful
tools. In fact, since the beginning of
written history, the Cookie has played
a large role in society.

The earliest recorded mention of
a Cookie was discovered by Couky
Manster in a cave in Sardis, British
Columbia. Paintings within this cave
depict hunters chasing Chocolate Chip
Cookies with primitive weapons. It
would seem that cookies were once
wild. Unlike the domestic species of
today, the wild Cookies looked very
similar to deer, except they had
chocolate chips instead of antlers.

Cookies were commonly mentioned
in Egyptian carvings. What was
commonly mistaken as a representation
of the sun-disk has been found to
represent a coconut cookie.

Stonehenge is a classic example
of Cookie Worship. The stones were
deliberately designed to look like
balanced Wafer Cookies.

The eating of Cookies is
basically a sadistic pastime. However,
there are various ways to eat Cookies
to maximise torture to various
different parties. For example:

CHILDREN - The best way to damage a
four year old child mentally is to tie
him to a chair and then eat a
Super-Chewy-Just-Like-Mom-Makes
Chocolate Chip Cookie, crumbling it
often, and getting melted chocolate
all over your fingers. Then return to
the crumbs and begin picking them up.
Then lick your fingers thoroughly,
removing all but one finger's worth.
Then place this finger between the
child's eyes, and rub the chocolate
into the skin. If this ritual does not
cause the child to drool and scream,
you may follow through with a ritual
cookie sacrifice, in which the child
must hold the cookie between the teeth
without touching it with the tongue
over an open flame.

OREO COOKIES - Slowly unscrew the top
of an Oreo Cookie, listening to the
tiny chocolate screams rising from it.
Then proceed to lick out the
intestinal cream, and then you may
devour the bottom at any rate you
wish. If this does not satisfy your
sadistic cravings, you may proceed to
stick steel needles through the holes
in the design on the top of the
Cookie.

SUBWAY RIDERS - Eat a very large Jelly
Filled Cookie and poke out the jelly
with your finger and then lick it off,
making lots of "Mmmm! Yum!" noises. If
this doesn't satisfy you, you may wish
to try this excersise during
rush-hour.

McDONALD'S EMPLOYEES - Buy a pack of
McDonaldland Cookies and force the
cashier to eat one. When they lapse
into the coma, it is advised that you
depart quickly...