--Johnny, you must find the bombshell on this train. As always, you have 83 hours.--

THE TOURIST

The Abridged Script

By Alex W.

FADE IN:

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE

PAUL BETTANY and some COPS are watching a HOTEL.

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

Everyone get ready.

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE leaves the hotel and WALKS AROUND.

CUE: VAGUELY SEXYISH KINDA-SUSPENSFUL EURO-THRILLER-ESQUE MUSIC

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

All units commence walking after Angelina Jolie.

The COPS WALK behind ANGELINA as she WALKS AROUND. Finally ANGELINA JOLIE finishes WALKING AROUND and sits down at a RESTAURANT.

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

Everyone switch over from Walk Around to Watch Quietly mode.

(pause)

God, what nail-biting suspense! Is everyone riveted yet?

WAITER

(approaching ANGELINA)

Excuse me, miss.

(pause)

I have a letter for you.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(reading)

"My darling."

(pause)

"In great danger."

(pause)

"I have instructions you must follow. So that you don't forget, make sure to repeat them in voiceover at least twenty times."

(pause)

"And it couldn't hurt to get some other characters to say it aloud later on, in case the audience slept through this part which, I'm guessing, is a distinct possibility."

ANGELINA begins to BURN THE LETTER.

PAUL BETTANY

(observing)

Hey, she's burning it! Stop her!

COPS

Huh? What? Everyone has lapsed into a deep coma, this is so boring.

ANGELINA walks away from the RESTAURANT. COPS walk AFTER HER. Everyone WALKS FOR A BIT. Finally she WALKS somewhere SNEAKY and the COPS have to just STOP and LITERALLY JAM THEIR ENTIRE HEADS UP THEIR OWN ASSHOLES.

PAUL BETTANY

Damn.

(pause)

At least I retrieved the charred fragments of the letter. Sure, it's in tiny burnt fragments only millimetres wide, and mixed in with napkin shards, but with my magical computer and Godlike pattern recognition skills I'll decipher it in no time.

(does so)

Hey, everyone! She's planning to catch a train. Also, she apparently calculates only an 8% tip and had a real tough time deciphering this morning's Jumble puzzle.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN

ANGELINA JOLIE finds JOHNNY DEPP on the TRAIN.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Hello.

(pause)

Is this seat taken?

JOHNNY DEPP

No.

(pause)

Please have it.

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

Thank you.

(pause)

I should make it clear, I'm only sitting with you because I'm following instructions from my fugitive lover to find a decoy for him.

(pause)

Does that bother you?

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

Why should it?

(pause)

Aside from the fact it would kind of freak out any normal person. Who wasn't actually your fugitive lover in disguise, that is.

(pause)

Not that that's relevant.

PASSENGER #1

(pause)

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

I'm impressed you're smoking on this non-smoking train.

JOHNNY DEPP

Ah, it's actually a fake cigarette.

(pause)

Look, it emits water vapour and has a little light at the end.

(pause)

I hope you find this fucking fascinating because I am going to go on and on and on about this goddamn fake cigarette that has nothing to do with anything.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

That's OK, I'm going to make you ask me to dinner eight thousand times until you get the exact phrasing absolutely spot on to the last goddamn syllable.

I'm sure it's standard police procedure for one cop to drag me out alone in the dead of night, then handcuff me to this boat so he can go accept money from those Russian mobsters who were trying to kidnap me earlier. No need to worry.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pulling alongside)

Johnny! I magically knew exactly how both you and the bad guys would be positioned in order to appear at just the right moment. Let me tow you to safety!

RUSSIAN MOBSTERS

Hey, stop escaping from us.

JOHNNY DEPP

Looks like we'll have a boat chase now. Too bad that because of the very strict real-life laws in Venice about water-speeding this will have to be the absolute very slowest boat chase scene in the history of film.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Don't worry. Next to the glacial pace of the rest of this snoozefest it'll seem like the Indy fucking 500.

They GET AWAY.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(pause)

Well, now that we've travelled almost three blocks, time to abandon you in this wide open public space where you can be easily spotted.

(pause)

Goodbye.

She DRIVES OFF.

JOHNNY DEPP

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

(ice caps melt, flooding entire Earth)

(tectonic shift opens new fissures in ocean floor)

(fissures eventually take in enough water to reverse flooding)

(pause)

But...

(realizes Angelina is long gone)

Stupid literal glacial pace.

CUT TO:

INT. SECRET AGENT HQ

ANGELINA JOLIE

Surprise! I was British Intelligence all along!

PAUL BETTANY

Wow, that's silly. Don't tell me I have to do the "you were supposed to spy on him, not fall in love with him" speech now.

(reads script, sighs)

I guess I do. Geez, didn't you just get that speech in "Salt"? Not to mention "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and "Wanted" and...

ANGELINA JOLIE

Look, "Falling For the Guy You're Spying On" was my major in acting school, alright?

PAUL BETTANY

Fine. You may as well join us in our big Fancy Ball Sting Operation this evening.

ANGELINA JOLIE

To help you catch Alexander Pierce?

PAUL BETTANY

Partly that. But mostly because half the audience is only here to see you wear a bunch of expensive clothes in the first place, so SOMEONE might as well go home happy.

CUT TO:

INT. FANCY BALL

ANGELINA JOLIE

I'm certain that one of the men in a black tuxedo is in fact Alexander Pierce!

(pause)

Crap, that's everybody.

JOHNNY DEPP

(arriving)

Except me, in my WHITE tux.

(pause)

So clearly there's no way I'm really Alexander Pierce.

(pause)

Not that anyone was thinking that.

PAUL BETTANY

Oh, enough of your coy bullshit!

(cuffs Johnny)

Now just stay out of the way while Angelina and I...

(looks around)

...where'd she go?

OTHER COP

(emerging from deep trance)

Oh, the Russians got her.

(loses will to live)

JOHNNY DEPP

Suppose I'll just have to escape from these handcuffs and scale a large wall to rescue her.

(does so)

PAUL BETTANY

(pause)

Sooo... that's it, right? That was the big reveal? No ordinary tourist who's just a mild-mannered teacher could do that, so the big secret's out, yes?

(reads script)

...Oh fuck off, we have to keep pretending otherwise? Fuck this! I'm out of here.

(storms out of movie)

CUT TO:

INT. EXPENSIVE ROOM WITH A WALL SAFE IN IT, BECAUSE HOW ELSE WOULD YOU KNOW WE MADE A SNAZZY EURO-THRILLER UNLESS WE HAD A SECRET WALL SAFE IN AN EXPENSIVE ROOM

Related Scripts

Discussion

About The Editing Room

The Editing Room has been around since 1998 and features over 900 Abridged Scripts for movies. Abridged Scripts are short(-ish) screenplays for films that just cover the highlights - think of them as Cliff's Notes for your favorite movies, except Cliff is an asshole and thinks your favorite movie sucks.