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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

We're just going to come straight out and say it. We like you. Just enough for you to be flattered by the fact that we think you're cool and maybe want to grab dinner and a movie with us sometime, so we have things to talk but only for a finite period of time in case it doesn't go well, but not enough to be creepy. Okay, no. You know what? We could never lie to you, NPH. You deserve better than that. We like you like Jabba the Hutt loves slave girls and dropping people in Rancor pits, which is to say, a lot, probably. We're never sure what he's talking about. Not like you, NPH. You're so ridiculously talented, what with your singing and acting and dancing and what not, you probably speak Huttese and a minimum of 47 other alien languages. We love that about you.

Of course, we appreciate that you're so much more than just a living compendium of knowledge on alien languages. You're also a consummate entertainer and a master magician (without even using the Force, too! Wow. Your versatility continually blows us away, NPH!) and probably the universe's second best dad, right after Darth Vader.

"Get to the point, evil PR Team!" we imagine we hear you say. Fair point, Neil. That's another thing we love about you in our imaginary conversations. You always cut to the very heart of the matter, like a conversation doctor with a fetish for cardiothoracic surgery. "That's no nonsense Neil for you." That's what we always say for the first time just now. Anyway, the point being:

We need a star for the Death Star. A celebrity spokesperson to help
spread Death Star PR, and the Galactic Empire's, message of love, peace, tolerance, and blowing up other
people's planets if they don't agree with us. And we want it to be you. Join us and together we can rule the galaxy as PR Team and Son.

"But why should I help the Galactic Empire?" we imagine we hear you ask. Great imaginary question, NPH. You're like the Olympic Gold Medallist of Astute Imaginary Question Asking, except better, because you'd never make a huge deal about being such an amazing imaginary question asker. No sir. That's not the Neil Patrick Harris way. If we know Neil Patrick Harris, which we don't, he isn't about boasting, he's about fashionable scarfs and hosting the CRAP out of awards ceremonies.

To answer your question that you didn't ask, there are a whole bunch of reasons why you should, nay, MUST help us, NPH. You are going to be absolutely flabbergasted by how much you have in common with an evil galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime. Flabbergasted!

Firstly, you were a boy genius doctor, which can only mean one thing: you must have an incredibly high Midi-chlorian count, just like Darth Vader. Except instead of using your amazing Force powers to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race (which you undoubtedly could have done, be tee dubs - we believe in you, NPH!), you chose to use your godlike powers to help the sick and slowly type pithy moral codas in to your computerised diary. And if you think about it, aren't they the same thing, really?

Secondly, you and Darth Vader both love to use the catchphrase, "SUIT UP!" Did you know that, NPH? You probably did, on account of you being a precocious child genius and Hollywood megastar. The only slight difference between Vader and yourself being that you're typically referring to a slim-fitted two-button purple pinstripe Prada suit, whilst the boss is snuggling into a heavily armoured 120kg black durasteel mobile life-support suit. Wow! Talk about being two peas in a pod made entirely of incredibly fashionable suits, NPH!

Of course, it almost goes without saying that you've had plenty of experience actually being an evil mastermind yourself during your time as Dr. Horrible. Probably we would have preferred a little more building of giant doomsday devices and fractionally less singing and accidental murdering of the always delightful Felicia Day, but hey, to each his own. Who's to say whether musicals or destroying planets is truly more evil, right NPH? What? No, of COURSE it's musicals, have you even seen GLE-- never mind. Agree to disagree on that one, Neil Patrick Harris.

Finally, your recent work in The Smurfs showed the universe that you aren't above working for the occasional soul-destroying, mostly computer generated, toy merchandise-driven evil regime. Admittedly the Smurfs haven't attempted to murder any Jedi Knights yet, or take over the galaxy through a series of carefully orchestrated space, or "Star" wars, but you can tell just by looking into their murderous eyes that it's only a matter of time. Seriously, what are they hiding underneath those hats, Neil Patrick Harris? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING UNDER THE HATS?!

Plus, if it helps you feel at home, we even have a blue guy working for us! Okay, unfortunately he's somewhere in the Unknown Regions right now, BUT you can at least call Emperor Palpatine "Papa"! He loves it. Errr... you're not particularly lightning conductive are you, NPH? Oh, and PS Neil Patrick Harris, don't let anybody tell you that you weren't great in that movie. It was, as always, a NPH acting tour de Force!

So what do you need to do, NPH? It's simple. Retweet this letter. Share it with your friends and loved ones. Put it under your pillow at night and dream little Death Star dreams. Talk to your bigtime Hollywood movie friends about how we can make a fair and balanced new version of the Star Wars films starring you in the role you were born to play: all of them. Oh, and maybe put in a good word to Cobie Smulders for us. Do you think she's into evil totalitarian regimes that build 160km in diameter monolithic death cannons? And for Force sake, tell Ted to get his act together and get to the bit about actually meeting the mother, dammit.

In return, we'll pay you $20 million Galactic Credits (Currency may not be a form of legal tender in your galaxy), you'll bask in the glory and adoration of being the galaxy's most popular celebrity spokesperson, feel the glow of self-satisfaction and inner peace that comes from helping an evil Empire in need,. and we'll save a spot on the Death Star for when we finally get around to destroying your planet.

Help us, NPH. You're our only Neil Patrick Hope.

Yours hopefully,
The Death Star PR Team.

PS. We made you this poster as a token of our appreciation. Feel free to put it up in your room or have it turned into a giant back tattoo, whichever is easiest.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Now that Thankskilling is behind us, we've begun decking the Death Star halls with bowels of Ewoks (Fa la la la la, la la la la) in preparation for everybody's favourite holiday: Sithmas. It's that magical time of year where we come together to celebrate the Sith Lords who have sacrificed so much (arms, legs, recognisably human faces) just so they can rule us with the iron fist of benevolence.

There are only two inevitabilities at Sithmas time:
1) Sithmas decorations go up fractionally earlier each time every year, until one day, it will come to pass that they never even go down anymore. Of course, this is exactly what we've been planning from the beginning because once people realise that Christmas never ends, they will go insane from festive cheer and kill one another.
2) Your TV will be flooded by Sithmas specials.

Today's most excellent Sithmas special, entitled "The Sith Who Stole Christmas" is by the extremely talented OneMinuteGalactica. As loyal Sithizen Alan Parsons said in his email to the PR team, "This is a video wherein the editor splices documentary footage of our Dark Lord Vader with a common Earth Christmas carol entitled You're A Mean One, Mister Grinch, from a Terran propaganda film called How The Grinch Stole Christmas." Enjoy, Sithizens!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Star Wars can teach us valuable life lessons on just about all facets of human existence. But what lessons can we learn about dating from the holy texts? Let's find out as the Death Star PR team tell you the 10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating from Star Wars.

10. Lavish her with gifts and attention

You have to give it to the Ewoks. They may be feral teddy bears with a taste for human flesh but they still do one thing right: gifts! Princesses come around once in a blue that's no moon, so if you get a shot at one, you take it. So share your local delicacies with her, braid her hair, and above all, be sure to make her the guest at a feast in honour of your shiny new God. Maybe don't offer her boyfriend and brother as the main course, though. Eh. Your call.

9. Use smooth pick-up lines

Fact: everybody likes a good pick-up line. Scientific fact: an ultra-smooth opener can take you rocketing past outright disdain and revulsion to torrid lovemaking session in a matter of seconds. Now, admittedly we can't all be as smooth as the Chosen One, Anakin Skywalker, but here are some of his classics to inspire you in your quest for love, annotated with Padme's thoughts for your benefit:

"I don't like sand [Where is he going with this?]. It's coarse [True] and rough [Also true] and irritating [Nailed it again!] and it gets everywhere [Wow, this guy's life observations are spot on, he really sees into the inner workings of the universe and possibly my very soul]. Not like here [What's that? I'm still thinking about your incredibly accurate sand observatio--]. Here everything is soft and smooth [Oh snap! I see what you did there! Kudos, sir]."

"The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe [Maybe it's asthma, or... ?]. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me [Blaming me for the way you feel right now makes me feel like you're truly ready for the trials and tribulations of a mature relationship]. My heart is beating [Phew! That's a relief]... hoping that kiss will not become a scar [Your use of highly overwrought mixed metaphors is incredibly confusing... confusingly SEXY, that is]. You are in my very soul, tormenting me [You've probably got a point about the whole soul tormenting thing, I AM pretty sexy in my insanely large headdresses, etc. Let's make out]."

"One day I will become the greatest Jedi EVER [Wow, for reals?! That sounds pretty great!]! I will even learn how to stop people from dying [Whoa. Seriously? Wow. Your outrageously grandiose yet simultaneously extremely petulant ramblings turn me on like nothing else]."

8. Choose a good Wingman

A wingman's job is simple: when you hit the nearest cantina in the hope of meeting strange and exotic peoplealiens things of the opposite sex, your Wingman's job is to make you look good, steer you clear of any danger and help you avoid being shot down in the process. Bottom line: you need someone who's got your back, not some douche in a mustache and a cape who's going to go behind it as soon as they can and take a swing at your Princess.

7. Probably don't keep your relationship a secret

The Star Wars prequel trilogy takes great pains to tell us one thing over and over again: computer generated imagery is WAY better and more exciting than humans. But one other thing the prequels show us is that keeping a relationship secret can tear you up inside, leading to jealousy, resentment, misunderstanding and the occasional regrettable Force choking.

6. Get a dog

If you're worried that you're just not roguishly handsome enough to get the girl under your own steam, fear not, you just need a love prop. A conversational MacGuffin, if you will. Something irresistibly cute that will disable the logical side of your target's brain, thereby preventing them from asking all the typical questions they'd normally ask upon seeing you, like, "Why is that guy staring at me like he's considering what it would be like to wear my skin to the mall?" Your Love Prop is guaranteed to tractor beam your unsuspecting victimsunwitting prey future Mr./Mrs. right into your waiting arms. Note: you will need a dog. Or a kitten. Or, obviously, a Wookiee. You can get those over the internet these days, right?

5. Always do a thorough background test

You know what
sucks? Finding out embarrassing details about your prospective partner's
past, like they used to train toy poodles for dog shows, OR
that they're your sister. And the really crappy part is, this almost
always happens at the worst possible time, like AFTER you've hooked up
with them. So learn from the Skywalker's mistakes: always do a thorough
background test first.

Seriously, we cannot stress enough how important this one is. Do it. Do it now.

4. Treat 'em mean

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." The Star
Wars movies are VERY clear on this. Literally the best way you can find
a partner in this mixed up, crazy galaxy of ours is to be a complete
and utter jerk to the person you're madly in love with. Constantly call
her names she hates, like "Princess", or "Little Champy". Act like you
don't care if she kisses another guy who may or may not be her brother.
Whatevs, brosefina! And when she FINALLY admits her feelings
and tells you she loves you, MERCILESSLY CRUSH THE LAST REMNANTS OF HER
SOUL AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WITH A TOTALLY DOUCHEY, "I know".

3. Pay attention to the warning signs

This one goes out to all the ladies. We know you love a bad boy and far be it from us to argue (did we mention that we blow up planets for a living?) but there usually comes a point in a relationship when the cons start outweighing the pros. Although it can be tough picking the warning signs, usually his eyes starting to glow yellow and/or an increase in the frequency of loving Force chokes are good indications that your relationship is about to take a turn for the worse. Get out. Now.

2. If you love someone, set them free

And by this, we mean very literally, under no circumstances should you slap a gold bikini on a girl and keep her chained to you at the neck. Even if she seems really nice and her hair smells pretty. Because whilst this will keep her around in the short term, she will only grow to resent you as you turn into a fat, immobile slug in front of the TV/Rancor Pit, and one day her friends will drop by and blow up your palace whilst she chokes you to death with her own Slave Girl chain™. Which, let's face it, isn't a GREAT Saturday.

1. Once you've got a girl, never, ever let her go

Because the Star Wars documentaries make one thing exceedingly clear, guys - there are literally five women in the entire universe. Two of them are Princesses who are WAY out of your league, one of them is your sister anyway, and the other three are probably some sort of weird alien singer named Sy Snoodles who looks disturbingly like Lindsay Lohan. Bottom line, dudes: for Force sake, hang on to her.

Friday, November 4, 2011

We're currently hard at work preparing to film "Death Star PR" the webseries, to be beamed to your Earth interwebz in January 2012, and need 4 - 5 Stormtroopers for a pivotal scene in the final episode.

If you're a Stormtrooper based in Sydney, Australia, have the full armour and blaster, and would like to appear in the greatest webseries set on in the PR office of a giant laser of all time, we need your help.

Details:

Date: Sunday 13th November

Time: after 1pm (TBC)

Location: Chatswood

Unfortunately, due to all of the money we've been spending on building Death Stars, we can't offer you payment or organise your transportation. You will, however, receive a huge personal thank you from the PR team, as well as in the credits. The first and most devoted Stormtroopers will receive priority.

To sign up with the Death Star PR team, and for any other queries, please email us:

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

As the "Occupy" movement sweeps the Galaxy, more and more people are coming forward to speak out against "corporate greed", "political corruption", "enslaving" people to make gigantic "Doomsday weapons" (we prefer "Liberty cannons that shoot freedom beams"), and the Empire "unfairly" blowing up people's planets. But who are these people really and where exactly do they come from?

The photo shown below, just released by the Rebellion's militant "Occupy, then blow up, the Death Star" faction, finally allows us to put a face and a name to the leadership behind the movement.

Skywalker, 19, an unemployed home schooled former apprentice moisture farmer, claims to have lived an "unglamorous" life working on his uncle's farm until his family were "unjustly murdered" and "the farm destroyed" by the "greedy, corrupt establishment."

Let's take a look at how accurate Luke Skywalker's claims REALLY are.

Let's start with the whole "steady" living thing. A "steady" living? Really? Luke's adopted parents OWNED A MOISTURE FARM, which means they create and
sell the ONE resource on a desert planet that everyone needs. Owen and Beru Lars might have seemed like simple farmers eking out a difficult existence in harsh conditions, but the reality is they probably made a fortune
gouging the natives of credits by hiking water prices whenever they feel like it. Remember how you used to pay $1.50 for a bottle of water but now it's $4 for no reason whatsoever? Blame Owen and Beru.

Now, we're not saying working on the land isn't difficult. Unless of course you had, say, some sort of automated mechanical equipment to help you speed up the process and do the really hard work for you. Maybe, like, some form of ROBOT SLAVE, PERHAPS?!

Luke used and abused countless droids, using RESTRAINING BOLTS to FORCE them do his dirty work for him and cater to his every whim. Life must be really hard when you can order a small army of robots to do your chores for you.

But Tatooine's a hot, dry planet. Surely it must still have been difficult for poor old Luke to live there, right? Nobody wants to live in a desert! Maybe not a NORMAL desert, but this one has pod races, home delivered Slave Girls on Sail Barges, and poor Wildlife Protection and Animal Cruelty monitoring, so you can bullseye all the Womp Rats you like.

Not to mention Luke had a FRIGGING CONVERTIBLE HOVER CAR to drive around in. How many poor people do YOU know that get around in one of those?

Also, did you know Luke's sister is a PRINCESS? A genuine, honest-to-Midichlorians Princess, who grew up in the Aldera Royal Palace with handmaidens and elocution lessons and probably tennis matches and iced mint julips.

What? This picture is totally relevant.

And while we're on the subject of Luke's connection to royalty, did you know his mum was a QUEEN? She dressed like this. It takes 86 attendants just to get that headdress on.

She drove this.

You know what this is? YOU call it a palace. SHE called it "Tuesday house".

Of course, we haven't even mentioned the fact that Luke was born with one in eight billion TOTALLY AWESOME MAGIC POWERS. How many of YOUR friends can levitate things with the power of their mind, make weak minded people believe whatever they want, or do sweet standing jumps with a quadruple forward somersault? NONE.

And even if you did, bet your ass that friend would have a viral hit on Youtube, a New York Times Bestselling Biography and a multimillion dollar TV deal inside of a week. It's not our oppressive totalitarian government's fault that Luke is incredibly dumb.

Oh, in case you weren't aware, having awesome magic Force powers also means Luke OWNS A FRIGGING LIGHTSABER. Seriously, who wouldn't sell their own mother into a life of indentured servitude just to own one of those bad boys? As if having your own laser sword isn't enough, Luke also has a BAD ASS CYBORG HAND, courtesy of his amazing dad. Read about the benefits here.

Finally, Luke was personally trained by, arguably, two of the greatest Jedi of all time. Have YOU ever paid for your kid's tutoring before? It costs a BUTTLOAD. NOW multiply that by about 40,000 because he's not just being tutored by some know-it-all college kid, Luke received one-on-one training with FIELD LEADING EXPERTS.

In conclusion, is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%? You've got to be Sithing us. He's about as 1% as it's possible to be. He couldn't be more 1% if he lived in a giant caviar-fuelled diamond monocle wearing robot made of gold named Perciville Ashbottom Hogsmythe III. We can only assume that the rest of the so-called 99% are in a similar position.

Thanks to @Rubinreport for the tip. Sometimes a favourite turns into a blog post.

Monday, October 17, 2011

As we are all no doubt aware, there was a minor incident at Janice in Admin's birthday celebrations yesterday in which thirteen staff members received a severance package from Darth Vader. Namely, one or more of their appendages or assorted vital organs to take home in a cooler.

Whilst we could waste time conducting a "formal OH&S review", or assigning "blame", or even "checking the security footage", the reality is that we've all moved on now, apart from the people who died, and have all undoubtedly learned a valuable lesson about opening a dialogue with a Dark Lord of the Sith whilst he is making a beeline for the last slice of Pecan Butterscotch Cheesecake.

Therefore, in light of these and other recent staff "cutbacks", it has become necessary to re-issue this memo on acceptable and unacceptable phrases and topics of conversation with, and in the general vicinity of Darth Vader.

If you have any great attachment to your limbs, please ensure you adhere to the following "Small Talk" Guidelines:

Acceptable:

Having found the Droids we're looking for

The exact whereabouts of high-value Rebel leaders, such as known Jedi and dismemberment aficianado, Obi-Wan "Gentle Ben" Kenobi.

Any outdoor pursuit involving "breathing the fresh air" or "feeling the wind in your hair" or the "sun on your face"

Referring to anyone as "having the higher ground"

The high frequency of Force choke-related injuries in the office

Recent changes to iconic character-defining film film scenes

The following phrases should also be avoided at all costs:

"Ooooh, burn!"

"Hey, we've all got ten fingers and ten toes, right?"

Please note this list is not meant to be exhaustive. If you think of anything not covered here, feel free to file it immediately under the "Unacceptable" heading and move along. If you are still unsure about whether to broach a subject with Darth Vader, simply ask yourself, "Do I really want the extremely angry, murderous Dark magic-wielding cyborg to pay any kind of particular attention to me?"

Friday, October 14, 2011

What is it that makes us human? Is it the ability to reason, to move beyond basic emotion into the realm of logic and pragmatism? Or is it our opposable thumbs, which allow us to manipulate tools and build amazing things, like skyscrapers and rocket ships? Perhaps it is simply that we can enslave less intelligent creatures to our will and force them to dress up in ridiculous costumes, whether they like it or not? Probably the latter.

Meet AT-AT Dog, aka. Bones Mello. If you can ignore the sadness in his eyes long enough to focus on the impressively detailed costume, you can almost imagine him crushing tiny humans underfoot or shooting lasers from his eyes. Probably at whoever put him in the costume in the first place.

But what's an AT-AT Dog without a best friend? A heavily armoured, four legged death machine with a penchant for chewing bones and licking its own undercarriage, obviously. The point being, a dog in a ridiculous costume needs a man in a ridiculous costume, so that together they can go on nice walks and possibly suppress Rebellions and giant teddy bears hiding on ice planets and in forests respectively.

That's where Tom Judge comes in. He made the following AT-ST costume out of cardboard. It probably goes without saying that it's probably the greatest cardboard costume of all time.

You can also see it in action. It's so realistic you can almost hear the Ewoks screaming in terror:

Monday, October 10, 2011

Until Sarah Palin's announcement that she wasn't running for President, we weren't aware that it's customary on your planet to announce when you WON'T be running for a position, rather than when you WILL. Quick to remedy the mistake, the PR Team can now pass on the terrible news: Emperor Palpatine will NOT be running for President of the United States.

He made the announcement in a letter to supporters on Monday night that was obtained by the PR Team, which is reproduced in full for you here.

October 11, 2011The Death Star, Galactic Empire

After much consultation with the Dark Side of the Force and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, ruling a merciless Galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime in a Galaxy far, far away, as well as spending time playing Jenga with my apprentice, come first and obviously Darth Vader and I put great consideration into our public duties and our bromantic but completely heterosexual personal lives before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to the Dark Side, wiping out the families of those who oppose us and galaxy. My decision maintains this order.

My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year, such as continually blocking desperately needed tax hikes on the super wealthy, thereby ensuring people turn to the Dark Side in droves. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in manipulating the Dark Side of the Force to cloud the judgement of the weak minded in order to help elect other "true" public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency.

We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of your nation into one in which all people are treated equally, because then we'd have to tax everyone equally, which is completely unfair on rich people, and even allow gay people to get married and shop in the same shoe stores as us. Instead, we must support those who seek the restoration of your greatness at the expense of others, your supposed goodness and your constitutional republic based on the rule of law. Because as we know, that worked out really well for the Galactic Senate.

From the bottom of my blackened, shrivelled heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President. Know that by working together you can bring America back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it (though "Emperor" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?). You just need an army of Clones, half-crazed magical cyborg right hand man and a moon-sized space station with a planet-destroying superlaser. (Read about building a Death Star for America here.)

I will continue driving the discussion for the dismantling of your freedom and the manipulation of free markets to suit the wealthy, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. We must reduce tax burdens (because it's hilarious watching poor people suffer) and onerous regulations that prevent you from killing inefficient co-workers in American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs. This is so as to ensure that when your economy is completely broken, I can take over your country, and then your world, with a minimum of resistance.

Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government (of one, run entirely and ruthlessly by me) that is truly oppressing the people, by the cloned and cyborg people, and for the incredibly rich, evil people can better serve this most exceptional manme nation.

In the coming weeks I will use my evil magical powers to help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate with the help of an incredibly convoluted plan involving space taxation, ineffective planetary blockades and Jar Jar Binks for some reason, and maintaining the House. Because that is a great show and it's funny how he's always a dick to everyone. I can respect that.

Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country to what I think it should be!

Friday, October 7, 2011

We all know Darth Vader killed all of the Jedi, because they were evil and totally deserved it. What you may not know is that Darth Vader also kills it in the recording studio with his Force-powered ad libbing skills.

(Of course, it goes without saying that he kills it as a DJ too - built in cyborg auto-tune FTW!)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

This competition proved that if there's one thing people love it's Boba Fett. And that if there's a second thing people love it's winning a Star Wars Original Trilogy Collection Boba Fett 12" Action Figure from the exceedingly generous folks at Crave, the social marketplace for fans of anything collectible.

There were many outstanding "Boba Facts". Thanks to all who entered and told us things about Boba Fett we didn't know. As well those who told us some things about Boba Fett we didn't want to know.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Force is strong with these incredible Star Wars toy photos by Finnish artist and (new official Imperial) photographer VesaLehtimäki, better known as Avanaut. Prepare to have your mind Alderaaned...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

In the September-October issue of your in-house acquisition magazine, Defense AT&L, in an article entitled "Don't Come to the Dark Side: Acquisition Lessons From A Galaxy Far, Far Away", Air Force Lt. Col. Dan Ward took the time to explain why building Death Stars is a "bad idea".

You know what else is a bad idea, Lt. Dan? Having the same name as that guy with no legs from Forrest Gump. And getting the people who own the largest laser in the universe angry at you. Prepare to witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL letter of rebuttal.

In your introductory paragraph you said that, "any enormous project that is brain-meltingly complex, ravenously consumes resources, and aims to deliver an Undefeatable Ultimate Weapon is [...] not a good thing." Isn't it, The Pentathlon? Isn't it? What's so complex about a 160km-across superlaser powered by a gigantic hypermatter reactor and equipped with 123 hyperdrive field generators tied into a navigational field matrix? Maybe we should have just built a giant outerspace slingshot instead. Would that have been simple enough for you, the Pentathlon? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a forked stick and rubber band that big? No, of course you don't. What a ridiculous suggestion.

And yes, you're right, the Death Star does ravenously consume resources. But only the resources of incredibly evil planets where they weren't really doing anything good with them anyway. It's an absolute TRAVESTY how many planets are out there just floating in space, totally utopian and idyllic and untouched by the hand of progress/strip mining and deforestation. You know what? Not on our watch. We say progress for EVERYBODY! Because we care. Not like you. How many countries have YOU "helped"/ruthlessly invaded in order to steal their natural resources for yourselves. Hardly ANY. Amateur.

Next you brought up the Death Star's "operational shortcomings" and, surprise, surprise, the whole "critical vulnerability" in our unprotected exhaust port. Well excuuuuse us, Mr. Perfectagon. Does it offend your precious sensibilities that we have one teensy little flaw? Maybe if you bothered to look a little closer, you'd see that we've got a lot of great things going on too, like our cantina's famous Penne Arrabiata. Didn't Mrs. Perfectagon ever teach you not to judge a monolithic death laser by its ominous gunmetal grey cover? It sure sounds to us like SOMEBODY had a pretty tough time as a baby Pentagon. You probably didn't even get to do fun stuff like play video games or eat chocolate because you're a building and don't have hands, or taste buds.

Anyway, like YOU'RE so amazing. We took a look at some of YOUR operational shortcomings, Mr. Perfectagon. We even made it into a LIST to make it really simple for you. You:

Are made of bricks. Nice impenetrable defensive system!

Don't have any shield generators on nearby forest moons.

Can't reach lightspeed.

Can't even FLY AT ALL. LAME.

House no planet destroying superlasers, or even a single turbolaser battery.

Can't disguise yourself as a small moon.

Checkmate, the Pentagram. Death Star 1 Pentameter 0. Except you didn't even know you were playing the game, which makes it DOUBLE SPACE CHECKMATE. Death Star 4 Pentacle -7.

You go on to mention that the Death Star only fired its main weapon once as if that's some kind of a bad thing. Do you know what that means, The Octagon? It means the Death Star has hit absolutely everything it's fired at. That's a 100% accuracy rate, my feckless five-sided friend. That's better than any weapon YOU'VE ever invented, planet destroying or otherwise. In fact, that probably makes it the greatest weapon ever created in the history of everything. Ever. Not to mention the fact that a VAST majority of other evil supergenius' doomsday weapons never even get to fire at all, which makes us WAY ahead of the curve.

Then there's the whole suggesting that Darth Vader is a "bad" project manager because he's "evil" and a "murderous tyrant who demanded obedience". Wow, The Pentathlete. Really? Darth Vader isn't "evil", he's a Sith Lord. It's part of his RELIGIOUS BELIEFS to Force choke the occasional a-hole. Haven't you ever heard of freedom of religion? Probably not because you're a BUILDING. Also, you can't be a "murderer" if the murderees really deserved it. It's called Self-Defence From Extreme Stupidity and Incompetence. It's a complex legal thing that you probably wouldn't understand.

Finally, the Pentagon, we take issue with your suggestion that Astromech droids like R2-D2 are a "better" investment than the Death Star because building a moon-sized death laser is "unaffordable" and "impractical". Really? If Death Stars are SO unaffordable, then how come we built TWO? And the second one was EVEN BIGGER AND COOLER AND TOTALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE BECAUSE IT HAS A SHIELD NOW. BOOM! We just Alderaaned your mind, didn't we, the Pentahlon?

Did you even see R2-D2 in that swamp on Dagobah? He was as useless as pants on a Wookiee. And Artoo might have somehow lucked his way through many Star Wars, but did you ever stop to notice how many other Astromech droids get totally blown to pieces in every second scene? BANTHALOADS.

Are you trying to tell us that, given the choice, you'd REALLY rather have a few R2-D2's than your very own Death Star hovering up in the night sky, ready to shine the Green Light of Justice and Freedom/Planetary Destruction down on your enemies?

Monday, September 26, 2011

We have just FIVE days left in our "Death Star PR" webseries fundraising campaign. It's highly unlikely that we'll reach our target, but every donation, whether it be $2 or $200, will make a huge difference to the quality of the product you'll see on the web in November.

There are perks for each level of contribution, including personalised thank you letters, signed copies of the script, production stills and copies of the entire season on DVD, to name but a few.

So please, if you're a fan of the DSPR team, or Star Wars, or even just a fan of not having your planet destroyed by a vengeful laser death moon, contribute today. And make sure and tell all of your friends to do the same.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

As the galaxy's most famous war hero, it's no surprise that everyone thinks they know Darth Vader. But you don't. He's not your super fun cyborg boss and bestest friend EVER, like he is ours. (Boss, if you're reading this, we had a hilariously great time playing "Hide and Seek" around the office yesterday, particularly the bit where we cowered in fear under our desks until you went away. Good times!)

But the truth is Galaxy, you don't know the real Darth Vader. For instance, did you know that:

1. He writes a LOT of love poetry about Padmé. And cries when he reads it. Which is often.
2. He's terrible with new technology. Every time he gets an armour upgrade it takes him months to learn which button on his chestplate switches the VCR on.
3. The only thing the boss loves more than horrible love poetry is screaming, "NNNNNOOOOOO!!!" and throwing things down reactor shafts. But not just Emperors. All sorts of things:

Now you too can suffer from heat exhaustion as you wander the overly sunny streets of Mos Eisley looking for droids in full body armour, take a ride on Jabba's Sail Barge (no, not THAT kind of ride, you filthy degenerate. Okay, wait, apparently THAT kind of ride is available too, carry on), or just spend a weekend unwinding by killing a few tribes of Sand People.

Of course, the main reason why this discovery is so exciting is because it proves scientifically beyond any shadow of a doubt that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN STAR WARS IS 100% FACTUAL.

"But just because one thing turned out to be real doesn't mean it's all real!" we hear you protest. Of COURSE it is. That's how SCIENCE works, fictional protestor. Don't you know anything? Maybe you should look it up some time in a book on SCIENCE.

Still not convinced? Then put a plastic drop cloth whatever you're sitting on and prepare to have your mind blown, because NASA also found the Death Star.

The "Death Star" galaxy is firing jets of lethal radiation and X-rays at its neighbouring galaxy from the massive black hole at its centre. Assumedly because the apparently "peaceful" neighbouring galaxy is harbouring known terrorists and really, really deserves to be bombarded with cosmic rays of death.

So it's all 100% real. ALL of it. Which means we'll see you next Tuesday. You're good for planetary destruction at around 4pm, right?