Saturday, 23 April 2016

Caesarean Awareness Month - Feeling Out Of Control In a Familiar Environment

"We're taking you to theatre!". I can still hear those 5 words now as if I was right back in the delivery room. 5 words that shouldn't be unfamiliar to me or make me feel uncomfortable. I remember feeling so many mixed emotions. In fact I cried. I'm still not sure if that was from relief, fear or feeling like a failure.

"We're taking you to theatre!" Why was this making me so upset? I should feel completely safe and at home there, after all I work in one. In fact I have 'scrubbed in' for caesareans and I knew exactly what was coming. Why was I feeling like this?

"We're taking you to theatre!" All those hours pushing and for what, to lose it all at the last minute. They were taking me to the one place I really didn't want to go. I remember my husband telling me it was going to be ok. I remember the consultant telling me it was going to be ok. I remember the midwife telling me it was going to be ok. So why did I not feel ok?

"We're taking you to theatre!". The doors were pushed open. Various midwifes were waving at me from the desk. "Good luck", "won't be long until you meet your daughter". I smiled and nodded but I was fighting back the tears. The corridor seemed so long, it was all a blur. My husband was taken away from me to get changed into scrubs and I was wheeled into theatre without him.

"We're taking you to theatre!". The bright lights felt almost heavenly. It was so bright. The brightness scared me and i'm not sure why. I lay on the operating table feeling overwhelmed. The noise was overpowering. In hindsight it wasn't at all but I remember every single sound. I remember the beeping from the anaesthetic machine, the clatter of the surgical instruments, the scrub nurse performing her checks (normally my role), the water running in the sink where the surgeon was washing his hands and the background music (the bond theme song that I hated). I heard every single sound.

"We're taking you to theatre!" I lay there, alone, frightened, nervous. I felt so heavy on the cold table. I felt insignificant on the table. I felt out of control and I hated it. I spoke really fast. I talked as much as I could and to anybody that would listen. I spoke so much rubbish in the space of 10 minutes.

"We're taking you to theatre!" My husband finally joined me. The operation started. So many familiar sounds. Too much knowledge running through my head. I couldn't relax, I couldn't switch off. So many thoughts running through my head. This was not what I wanted. This is not how I imagined I would deliver my baby. I knew I was safe. I knew what to expect yet I felt like the whole room was spinning. I have never felt so out of control in my life.

"We're taking you to theatre!" Oh my goodness she's here. The tears are flowing. My face is wet from crying. I just want to hold her and not let go. I just wish I could sit up and hold her properly. I want to cradle her, kiss her, cuddle her. I can attempt these things but the amount of movement I can make is out of my control. I'm so angry and frustrated. Please just give her to me.

"We're taking you to theatre!" I'm still here. I'm still on this table. I just want my baby. I want to leave this room. I want to be a mum. I don't want to be lying here. Please just hurry up. My emotions are running wild. I'm happy, sad, relieved, excited, nervous, frustrated, tired, uncomfortable, uneasy, powerless,".

"We're taking you to theatre!" Those 5 simple words, those 5 life changing words. 5 simple words I did not want to hear. 5 simple words that made me experience child birth from a different perspective. Those 5 words that sometimes make people think you haven't experienced child birth properly. Those 5 words that make you out of control. Those 5 words that still bring me so many mixed emotions.

"We're taking you to theatre!" Does this make me less of a mother? Does this mean I am not as strong as others? No! The answer is always no. I have experienced a natural birth and a caesarean and there is no way that the caesarean is the easy option. Each are beautiful and traumatic in their own special way.

I've never had surgery but being a scrub nurse I know exactly how you feel. I try to spend a moment to talk directly to a patient, sometimes just a smile and a "you will be ok, we'll look after you" a squeeze of a hand, because I understand how scary it all is. It petrifies me! They say staff make the worst patient. Of course you are a real and wonderful mother, you had such a beautiful daughter. Well done.

I also had caesarean, but mine was an emergency caesarean, so they had to put me to sleep to get little man out, otherwise he would die. It's such a shame that I didn't get to see him being born and hubby couldn't be there either. They didn't allow him to stay in the operation room as I was sleeping when it all happened.http://lilinhaangel.com/

Oh I'm so sorry this happened to you, I think people forget how harrowing it can be as its quite accepted these days. It sounds awful and must have been so frustrating. Well done for getting through it mama xxx

This is such a powerful post Kerry, brought tears to my eyes. I detest the very notion that a section is an easy way out. I didn't have one with Toby but I know it's far from easy and being a mother is so much more than the way in which you gave birth xx

Gosh I was right there with you I can imagine every emotion possible flooding your body and feeling overwhelmed by it. Even if you work in that environment it's completely different when you're on the other end of the knife. Well done for being so strong a friend of mine had a c sec and she describe your thoughts and took quite a while to recover. It always sounds like a small thing when someone says c sec but it is major surgery, it's a big deal

I was lucky enough to have 3 natural births, though not without their difficulties but I have friends who had to have emergency C-sections and they have talked about their fears and that feeling of losing control. Being someone who likes to be in control at all times I'm not sure I would have coped. Hugs xx

After 5 natural births I never expected to need a c-section but number 6 decided that the sunroof was the way forward. I have to admit feeling similar feeling to you and I hated every second of the procedure but my son was born alive and healthy and that is all that matters

What a fantastic post. My daughter was induced as an emergency as she was failing to thrive, and at one point when she was in distress there was talk of a section. In the event it didn't happen, but the nature of her delivery was traumatic nonetheless.

I don't believe cesarean is the 'easy' option, but I also think every birth had the potential to be beautiful and calm, or the complete opposite. It depends on so many factors, but I think feeling out of control is a big part of what makes a situation traumatic. It certainly was for me.

You have a lovely family, congratulations. I'm sorry your experience was so awful, but isn't it so worth it? �� xx

Kerry, this was such a powerful post and so well written. It must have been so surreal being the one on the operating table. I shared many of your feelings when I went through my c-section, although I was lucky to be naive. I can't imagine you knowing every single thing that was happening. Ophelia is absolutely adorable and I bet you feel it was worth every excruciating second ❤️❤️❤️

When I was having my first, all I wanted to hear were those 5 words - after a 6 day induction, undiagnosed symphsis pubis dysfunction and failed epidurals. Theatre was full and they weren't prepared to open another one as it was me that was distressed, not my daughter. I delivered her naturally - 11 years ago yesterday. This is the first year I haven't had flashbacks.

My son was delivered by elective c-section and I had to have a general anaesthetic (although my husband was allowed to stay. It was a very different experience and the best decision ever

I was just 19 and had no idea what a c section was when they announced I was being taken to theatre. I was instantly relieved though when they gave me the spinal as I had been in labour for 48 hours and was exhausted. I've had all three of mine by section now and all totally different experiences. My last was the only elective and it was the worst one xc

I am sorry that was such a traumatic experience for you. I haven't had one but I have heard the same thing from so many women who had had, that caesareans are not the easiest way to give birth and your body takes so much longer to recover.xx

Such a beautiful post. I nearly had a C Section on my first but just about avoided it. I can imagine it totally feels like a loss of control and also imagine the trauma can stay with you a long time. So much for people saying its the easy option!

Awww, I am so sorry this happened :( You sound very frustrated having to have a C section. I would have been scared, too. I can't imagine what it must be like but you know what? You did AMAZING! And your baby is beautiful xx

This is such a beautifully-written and emotional post, Kerry. Having seen close friends after having a c-section, and their recoveries, it is definitely not an easy option, like some people make it out to be. C-sections get such bad press, when at the end of the day the most important thing is that your baby and you are both safe. x

Struggled to read this. I always do with c-sections as it brings back vivid memories of my own emergency section and I still feel a twinge in my tummy every time I think it or read it. I felt like a complete failure after I'd had my section, after wanting a home birth and ending up with an induction. It was just not what I wanted at all but now it doesn't really bother me, I'm just as much a mum as anyone else! It just happened a bit different!