This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.

To celebrate the 17th anniversary of that goose breaking his beauty at Busch Gardens Williamsburg, 57-year-old Fabio made it perfectly clear in an interview with the NYDN that he’d rather an entire gaggle of geese go splat onto his perfectly sculpted mug than watch 2 seconds of Krapping Up the Kartrashians. The #1 reason for why many used romance novels are covered in dried coochie cream joined the likes of Tim Gunn, Rebel Wilson, James Bond and Jeremy Renner in the C.O.C.K. (Celebrities Opposed to those Crass Kartrashians) Club when these words leaped from between his no-lips:

“Kim Kardashian is trash.”

Fabio could’ve just left it at that, and he still would’ve turned thousands of people into his new disciples who want to hump every word that comes out of his mouth. But the anti-Kartrashian crusader with gorgeous Afghan Hound locks went on:

“The wealth and power that she may have doesn’t matter. I always tell people, ‘I have more respect for somebody with no money and class than somebody who is trash and makes $1 billion.’ Now you’re trash with $1 billion. There are a lot of people out there, especially the younger generation, who think that the only thing they have to do to become famous is make a porn video or be caught doing something nasty. There is nothing extraordinary or unusual about that. The porn industry makes money from doing that every day and there’s nothing special about sex. Sex has been around since the birth of this planet.”

Yes, those bronzer-covered bags of industrial-grade silicone gross Fabio out more than real butter does, but he says nothing grossed him out more than the Kardashians whoring out Lamar Odom’s overdose for attention:

“This really shows you that the Kardashians will do anything for TV and to make money. All the Kardashians care about is the media, money and being on camera. It shows they have no sensitivity and they don’t know when to stop. They are nothing but money whores. When is it all going to end? When somebody dies? And what then? Will they take their video cameras to the funeral too? Probably.”

You know, I was with Fabio up until he said that they’re going to take their video cameras to the funeral. That is not only wrong, but it’s highly offensive to Pimp Mama Kris. Bring videos cameras to the funeral? That’s amateur level! They’d bring the funeral to the cameras by shooting it in a studio. I mean, I doubt there’s a funeral home with big enough dressing rooms to house the gigantic helium tanks used to pump more gas into the beach ball ass cheeks of the Kartrashians between takes. And I also doubt that there’s a funeral home with state-of-the-art lighting that perfectly puts a sparkle into the glycerine tear trickling down Kim’s resin mask of a face. How dare Fabio insult PMK’s master whoring skills like that!

And here’s my favorite Thundercat Lil’ Kim tarnishing her elegant and sophisticated brand by hanging around with that trash barge trollop last night:

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