Sunday, April 20, 2008

As aspiring rednecks, we want to fit-in to our rural community, and we have been debating the merits of using lawn decorations.

Travis Carter - American redneck folk artist

Janet and I support the arts, and we are happy to help aspiring folk artists, such as Travis Carter with his bold "doe bell" creations. The "Assquatch" art movement is taking hold, and investment quality American butt art is in high demand.

But it's not just deer butts. Creative American artists are finding their voice with a variety of hinnies:

Outdoor American Folk Art

The goal of my research is to find a uniquely American rustic redneck art form. Lawn ornaments sometimes come with negative commutations, and they make a bold statement about you, so great care must be exercised. It's well known that different cultures have difference taste in lawn art.

You also have to sensitive to cultural "poultry stereotypes", and their nationalistic connotations (e.g. "Ever hear old joke about the Flamingo's who to moved to New York and put little plastic old people on their front lawn?")

A little research shows that the styles on 21st Century American lawn folk art ranges the gamut from simple to ornate. Here are some distinctly American lawn art forms:

Redneck Outdoor American Folk Art

Janet and I set-out to hit the road in search of investment quality yard art. In Montana we came across this great place called "Aluminum Critters".

No highfalutin bronze here, just re-cycled engine blocks, carefully melted and re-cast of southern American folk artists ( i.e. "Mexicans"). Once painted with a faux bronze paint, they kinda-sorta look like bronze, and at a fraction of the cost.

It's "green", since the metal comes from chop shops in Mexico, who melt-down engine blocks for the aluminum used in their art. As you can see, the base of the statue is a pre-cast well-cap, so we don't need to waste no money on something fancy.

The art is done locally and the molds are shipped to Mexico for casting, so it's a distinctly American art form. They also ship anywhere in the USA, with no extra charge for shipping additional items, quite nice:

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'e m biscuits.