Well hello! I'm SSG, an (early!) thirty-something former San Diegan who has settled in Portland, Oregon. Join me as I chronicle this sometimes serendipitous life of mine with hilarious friends, crazy coworkers and my cuddly pup, Fisher. Or follow me on Twitter by clicking on the link below!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

So I've only ever seen, like, two or three episodes of Cops. But they all seem to hit the following high points:

1) Someone is drunk.

2) Someone decides to run.

3) Aforementioned someone is ALWAYS in their underwear.

So! GUESS who saw The Neighbor Formerly Known as Cute Neighbor (NFKACN?) in his underwear last night?

While being taken away by the cops at 1 a.m.

In handcuffs.

AFTER his door had to be BROKEN DOWN?

Go on, GUESS.

I have told you that I live in the 'burbs, right? There is no trailer park within a 10 mile radius. The most exciting thing that happens here is a cat gets stuck in a tree ... namely, my cat ... and that we're going to be getting an overpriced yuppie food market down the street. We drink WINE. We have DINNER PARTIES. People DO get tickets, but it's for keeping their CHRISTMAS LIGHTS up too long.

We DON'T lead cops on a high speed chase through the neighborhood. (Where high speed equals like 35 miles an hour.) Unfortunately NFKACN obviously didn't get THAT newsletter.

So yeah! It was really um ... what's the word ... oh yeah ... TERRIFYING here for about an hour this morning. What with the police dogs, seven cruisers, countless cops yelling, door breaking, underwear wearing neighbor (boxer briefs) in handcuffs on his knees in the driveway.

SSG almost passed out from not breathing as she was peeking through her bedroom window. She kept Fisher SO quiet and was SO super stealth that one of the officers stared directly up at the window and then came knocking at the front door.

Shit.

If you would have told me I'd be giving one guy mah digits after seeing another one in his skivs? I would have said "Regular. Friday. Night." Oh wait, what? Anyhoo, I told the officer what I saw and answered his questions. (Was birth date really necessary? Why don't you just follow it up with: Marital status? And then: How many cats you got in there?)

After all that and while watching neighbors decide their dogs had to be taken for walks at 1 a.m. or other neighbors who decided they just HAD to get their mail, I had the courage to ask: "WTF HAPPENED?!?!" (But in a nice, non yelly way.)

Seems NFKACN had a few too many, got pulled over and then decided he didn't want to wait around to get arrested on the street. He'd MUCH rather bring an episode of Cops to SSG's neighborhood. Awesome.

SSG has three things to say about this scenario:

1) Thank gah he wasn't wearing tighty whiteys because THAT would have been awkward.

2) SSG has standards. Okay she has ONE standard. So this probably won't be turning into the romantic comedy you all were hoping for.

3) More importantly, thank GAH SSG didn't bake any cookies for this guy!

We can now exist in the same awkward hand-waving-as-we-pass-each-other-in-our-cars relationship that I have with my other single dude neighbor.

And let's hope if the other single dude neighbor brings a television show to our neighborhood it's something from HGTV.

(Edited to add: The Sometimes Serendipitous Girl's legal team would like to remind readers that people are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. But that "cute" is subjective so you can all start calling him the NFKACN immediately. But to the rest of this post, SSG adds 'ALLEGEDLY.')

Okay, the serious problem has not even been thought of here. If he, lets say "no longer has the ability to legally drive", and he comes knocking on your door in his skivies, looking for a "ride"somewhere - "whatcha ya gonna do when they come for you - bad boys boad boys" Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

That is all sad news, but just remember when thinking back on all this. It was cold outside, so don't judge the "fullness" of his undies just yet!!!!!!

OH. MY. GAWD. Please tell me that there were helicopters flying overhead videotaping the entire thing! How exciting! But, seriously, no cookies for him, either real OR metaphorically. Now bake some for the New Cute Neighbor With The Roommate!...(maybe.)

Umm, can you bake cookies with a file in them? And does arrested mean no longer cute? I understand arrested is likely to mean no longer eligible...oooh--if he goes missing, SSG could be being interviewed on Nancy Grace or Greta van Susterenenerenend. And if he had a political job, then, gasp, SSG could be on Sunday morning political shows. And last but not least, gullfriend...if you doubted you should be writing, don't! 'cause this is a gift of mah-teer-ree-ahl.

OH MY GAWD! I am so jealous that you have such good stuff to write about. Just kidding, sort of. Thank goodness we did not use the recipe on him. And why didn't this excitement happen when you were being held hostage for 87 days. Darn it. And why didn't you snap a picture??????

Where have I been? I was gone ALL day and met my mom tonight to see Benjamin Button... she says "can you believe SSG's post today..." What post I ask... "the one about the neighbor boy getting arrested?" WTF??? CUTE neighbor boy??? OMG... you miss reading for a day and look what happens.

I think it is absolutely hysterical that the police officers sees little SSG peering through the window and then decides to knock on your door?!? I can just picture the whole scene and I am laughing so hard I think I'm gonna wake up Lil bob.

Only happens to you SSG... :o)

ps... my word verification is untwa... as in the untwa NFKACG was wearing last night :o)

Ah, the old "take him away in his underwear trick"! I'm so glad that I now reside in the country. When we lived in the 'burbs, we had a couple of situations that involved cops, wife-beater t-shirts and alcohol. It wasn't pretty. I watched it all through my bedroom shades...