I have a story that I am still trying to interpret. About a year ago, my boyfriend and I moved to a new city so that I could get my masters. We were excited for the move (even though it was only for a year) because my boyfriend (whom we will call Vincent) and my friend from high school (whom we will call John) lived there with his fiancée Suzanne. Suzanne and I had never met before (although I sent an engagement gift) the move and I was excited about the possibility of making a friend in my new city before I started school.

Well, as it turns out Suzanne and I did not hit it off. I am a very outgoing person who has never had a problem making friends but I just could not connect with this woman anyway I tried. I frequently asked her about her wedding plans, as this seemed to be a topic about which she was less cold to me. Now, I should highlight some more about Suzanne and Vincent (boyfriend), John (friend), and me. The three of us are city children who grew up in fairly affluent families. We went to the same prep-school and all attended prestigious colleges. We have been blessed with material things in our life, however I should note that we don't hold this above anyone and Vincent and my friends grew up in diverse backgrounds. Suzanne, on the other hand, is a country bumpkin from a working class family. I think part of her coldness towards me was based on her feeling inferior to me based on background, but I am just guessing. This is the part that gets to me and makes me lack sympathy for the "victim." It seems like a pretentious assumption that the poor little country bumpkin dislikes her because she has an inferiority complex. After all, she's marrying one of the "upper class" citizens, isn't she?

Anyway, I made a great effort to make friends with Suzanne. We went out to dinner as two couples, we hosted them at our apartment, met for drinks, etc. She continued to be cold to me. This worsened after Vincent and I became engaged. John and Vincent are each other's best men, so I thought with both of us getting married we would at least have something to talk about. However, she just openly condemned all of my choices as snobbish and over-the-top (we are having a large, black tie wedding with a ceremony in an Episcopal cathedral). After four months of effortlessly trying at and paying for outings, I decided to give up and just be civil when we had to see each other.

Three months later, I got a telephone call from John. He told me he and Suzanne were upset that Suzanne and I had not become "best friends" and would I please email her to try and instigate a friendship. I privately rolled my eyes but decided to send her an email that apologized for my lack of effort and anything that I did that might have offended her. I figured for the next year we would have to be around each other due to Vincent and my friendship with John and both weddings, so civility and keeping the peace was in order. So I sent a note offering an olive branch and a sincere intention to try harder at our relationship. What I got back, however, was an long abrasive email about how I am a condescending, shallow, b****. Perhaps the OP's suppositions about Suzanne not liking her because she was a country bumpkin got around - or her prejudices came off in her treatment of Suzanne?There were also a list of false accusations. (Remember I had been asked by her fiancé to reach out) However, I decided to not engage in a silly battle and simple sent another email apologizing for anyway that I could have offended her and let it go.

The crazy thing is this: I received a shower invitation the next day from Suzanne's mom. Originally, I assumed that every woman invited to the wedding was invited to the shower, a practice that I feel is totally tacky, but would at least explain the presence of someone who the bride apparently "couldn't stand the sight of" on a guest list. I decided not to attend the shower but sent a gift. (total cost of wedding for me right now is $120, when you include shower and engagement gift). After some digging, I found out that not every woman was invited to the shower, but that she decided to include me because I had given a nice engagement gift. Admittedly - this is bad on Suzanne's part! What a gift grabber!

To make matters worse, Suzanne convinced John to have a destination wedding so we all have to fly to a far away city, rent a car, drive five hours, to go to a cocktail reception. We have to go because Vincent agreed to be the BM before this came to light.

Part of me thinks that Suzanne is a bridezilla and part of me wants to suspect mental instability in order to explain her actions.

Was anyone else bothered by this?

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'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air. Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

I agree with you, PNC. This woman sounds quite full of it, and I rather suspect she DID come off as shallow and condescending despite her "magnanimous efforts to befriend the poor, disadvantaged, country bumpkin!"

While I think the gift thing was a faux pas, snootiness is always a bigger one in my book, so even if both Suzanne and the LW belonged in Ehell, the LW belonged in a deeper circle of Ehell--and that assumes we believe that it all happened exactly as the LW tells it. I rather suspect there was MUCH more going on.

The three of us are city children who grew up in fairly affluent families. We went to the same prep-school and all attended prestigious colleges. We have been blessed with material things in our life, however I should note that we don't hold this above anyone and Vincent and my friends grew up in diverse backgrounds. Suzanne, on the other hand, is a country bumpkin from a working class family. I think part of her coldness towards me was based on her feeling inferior to me based on background, but I am just guessing.

Huh? Like mentioned, this is what puzzled me. Affluently-grown OP claims she doesn't pay a mind if others are less fortunate than herself and her circle, although, it seems any one who has grown up with considerably less warrants a label. Like Suzanne with being a "country bumpkin." Perhaps the bumpkin name was given because of Suzanne's supposed lack of friendliness towards the OP, but I got the impression from the story that the OP would have referred to Suzanne as such regardless of her attitude.

And yeah, Suzanne herself is not much the sweetheart if she was after gifts due to what the giver could afford. Though I agree with the OP coming across quite a bit the snob, and was trying to justify her actions.

(we are having a large, black tie wedding with a ceremony in an Episcopal cathedral).

Good for you

As much as the OP tried to be friends with Suzanne, based on this story alone (we know we'll likely never hear the full and complete story), I can see where Suzanne was coming from. Let's see... Suzanne was planning a modest "working class" wedding then here comes in OP, who Suzy doesn't even know, planning her grand over-the top affair all around her and trying to talk to her about it... so obviously Suzy is gonna be somewhat upset.

I'm interested in what she means by the following - "Vincent and my friends grew up in diverse backgrounds. Suzanne, on the other hand, is a country bumpkin from a working class family." So, her friends may come from "diverse" backgrounds, but "on the other hand", Suzanne is just from a "working class" family. Makes me wonder what her definition of "diverse" is - Vincent drives a Lamborghini, but she prefers the classic elegance of a Jaguar sedan?

And I'm afraid that if Suzanne had NOT invited the fiance of her Best Man, the writer would have held that against her.

The problem with showers it that the bride doesn't always have control over the list. For instance the fiance could have told mom they needed to invite the writer to the party so the bride might not have even been aware of the invitation.

I am curious about the list of false accusations. I mean were they completely made up or was it something that could be based on one's perception?

I think it is ironic how the OP said she doesn't hold her affulent backround above anybody else, yet in the next sentence calls Suzanne a 'country bumpkin'. 'Country bumpkin' is a term of contempt and therefore shows the OP was looking down on Suzanne and her backround. If the OP would have just stated Suzanne had a different backround without being derogatory, I would have more sympathy for her.

I also have a hard time believing that the groom would be that upset because the women weren't bestest friends. I can understand being dissapointed, but I would think most adults would realize they didn't click instead of trying to force a friendship.

Again, this would be a story where it would be interesting to hear the other side.

Speaking as a "bumpkin from a working class family", in my disadvantaged, uncultured, not diverse neck of the woods, it is customary to invite people in or associated with the wedding party to the showers, teas, etc. Ah well, we're just a bunch of country hicks - what do we know?

I personally love it when someone uses growing up in the city as verification of sophistication. Yeah, you're an "outgoing person who has never had a problem making friends" until you run into someone from a different background than yours, at which point you assign them a tacky label base on their parent's socioeconomic status - ooooh, classy!

I think both women are in the wrong. The OP because of her condescending attitude, and Suzanne because of her rudeness. Calling someone a nasty name and then inviting them to your wedding shower? Also, I'm not fond of letters demanding that the recipients make friends with the senders. [Dear Mary, Why aren't you my friend? You better try harder to be my friend. Love, Anne] If Suzanne thought not being close to the OP, snobby or not, was such a hardship, she could have put some effort into it herself.

Ugh, just everyone in the story sounds like a pill.

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twinkletoes

I think it is ironic how the OP said she doesn't hold her affulent backround above anybody else, yet in the next sentence calls Suzanne a 'country bumpkin'. 'Country bumpkin' is a term of contempt and therefore shows the OP was looking down on Suzanne and her backround. If the OP would have just stated Suzanne had a different backround without being derogatory, I would have more sympathy for her.

I also have a hard time believing that the groom would be that upset because the women weren't bestest friends. I can understand being dissapointed, but I would think most adults would realize they didn't click instead of trying to force a friendship.

Again, this would be a story where it would be interesting to hear the other side.

Pod to the above, and I love Twik's assessment of the situation, too.

If the letter-writer didn't include the part about growing up rich, I think this story would read quite differently, and she may have received more sympathy. But she had to work in the part about money. She did it on a story to an etiquette-focused website - if she does it there, I'm sure she brings it up in person. And that would irritate anyone!

I have to agree with Look in the Tunk, too. I've been "Suzanne" - it's hard to discuss a wedding budget with someone who is spending more on *their* wedding that what most folks spend on their first house. In my case, I don't think the other bride meant to be rude, condescending, etc. It just got irritating to be told "Try this photographer - they're cheap!" (Their 'cheapest' package cost more than my car) or "Oh, you have to get a BrandNameDesigner gown!" (To the tune of $$$$$).

"I decided to send her an email that apologized for my lack of effort and anything that I did that might have offended her."

This is the part I don't get. It seems an odd way to show you hope to become closer to someone when it's obvious that the Submitter doesn't believe she did anything to offend Suzanne. If it were me, I'd just email Suzanne & ask if she wants to do Just Girls activity, the fact that the Submitter apologized tells me that she may very well have done something to offend Suzanne.