I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was
received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social
security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up
and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3-16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait
until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call
again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local
pastor.