‘Five was the magic number. The one that would allow Britain to be both identical and different to EU law.’
Photograph: WPA Pool/Getty Images

The aim of the prime minister’s Mansion House speech had never been to provide clarity on the Brexit negotiations. It had been to buy herself some more time with sufficient vagueness to initiate a temporary ceasefire to prevent the Conservative party from tearing itself to pieces for a couple of weeks. Months possibly.

Over the weekend, the initial indications had been that she had succeeded in this objective, with the loudest leavers and remainer voices having been at best vaguely complimentary and at worst non-committal. But just to make sure, Theresa May came back to parliament to give a digested read of her 45-minute monologue in a ministerial statement.

She raced through her five tests and the five foundations. Five was the magic number. The one that would allow Britain to be both identical and different to EU law. The one where we would be worse off and not worse off. The one where we would be simultaneously racing to the top and bottom. “We will set an example to the rest of the world in how to conduct negotiations,” she said. Yes, but not one that any other country would necessarily want to follow.

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It quickly became apparent that the Tory backbenchers were still pretty much on side. Iain Duncan Smith congratulated her on “an excellent speech” and enquired whether she agreed that “cake was for eating and cherries for picking”. Oh yes, May replied. That was exactly what she had meant. John Redwood wanted to check that a no deal was still very much on the cards. Oh yes, May replied. That was exactly what she had meant. Bill Cash congratulated her on saying all foreigners were bastards. Oh yes, May replied. That was exactly what she had meant.

Anna Soubry admired the prime minister’s determination and frankness and just asked her to update the house on any ongoing administrative costs. Oh yes, May replied. That was exactly what she had meant. Kemi Badenoch wanted to check that there would definitely be new independent jurisdiction independent from the EU. Oh yes, May replied. That was exactly what she had meant. She couldn’t have been more accommodating. All things to all people. Even if she was promising things which the EU had already ruled out.

The rather more challenging questions came from the Labour benches. Though not so much from Jeremy Corbyn who appeared to be rather going through the motions when he listed the obvious weaknesses in her arguments. Maybe he thought the speech had been bad enough the first time round and couldn’t face the rehash.

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So it took Yvette Cooper to get forensic by pointing out that the prime minister’s solution to the Northern Irish border had been to propose that 80% of traffic should be allowed to get away with smuggling cows, pigs, grenades and guns. May was quite put out by this. Smuggling was only one of her preferred options, she said snippily. And besides, if an 80% smuggling rate was a bit too high for Labour then maybe she would consider lowering it to 75%. Tough on smuggling, tough on the causes of smuggling.

Emma Reynolds then asked if May could think of any countries with different tariff regulations that didn’t have a hard border. “Easy,” said May. “The US-Canada border.” That’s odd, said Jenny Chapman, because when she last looked the US-Canada border had guard posts, dogs and armed patrols. The prime minister shrugged. So what? At least it didn’t have a mined DMZ. In any case, there were plenty of other soft borders. Though none came to mind.

“You must stop thinking in a binary fashion,” May snapped, as she finally lost patience with Labour backbenchers for not being reassured by her vague sense of hopelessness. This from a woman who is programmed in binary. Ones and noughts adding up to everything and nothing. People just needed patience. We would know where we were going once we got there.