05

FEB

They say that the early bird gets the worm. I don’t know who they are, but in my opinion, they should mind their own damn business. Did the birds start this rumor? If so, I hope they get the bird flu. It’s a stupid idiom, and I absolutely despise it.

Simply put, I disagree with the core message. It implies that the people who wake up earlier (or get things done first) will reap the benefits. Bullshit. It’s not always advantageous to be the first one up in the morning. Just look at the worm. If the worm had hit the snooze button, it wouldn’t be inside a bird’s tummy right now.

And frankly, the expression is unfair. It assumes that all birds have an equal opportunity to be up at the crack of dawn, when truthfully, some birds are doomed from the start. There are poverty-stricken birds that can’t afford an alarm clock. They are stuck on bird-feed stamps. They live in cardboard nests.

And on the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got birds with an unfair advantage. Roosters are always up early. That’s kind of their thing.

Excuse my ramblings. In all seriousness, not everyone is a morning person. Some of us thrive at night. We shouldn’t have to follow any set schedule. We can accomplish greatness whenever we want.

I don’t want to live in a world where you can only be successful if you wake at sunrise. I’m always late to everything. Life will never go my way. I’ll probably end up with the worst job ever. What would that even be? I can just picture myself working some super sketch third-shift job at a nuclear testing facility scrubbing poop off of radioactive toilets.

And worst of all, I wouldn’t make a name for myself. No one would know my name. They’d call me Hell. They’d call me Stacey. That’s not my name. That’s not my name!

All of this because of a stupid expression about a stupid bird. It’s not worth it. The early bird can keep that stupid worm. I don’t want a nasty ass invertebrate. I’m not a fisherman. Call me crazy, but I believe that sleeping-in and having a mediocre existence sounds much better than chomping down on a squirmy, nasty bug.