You never know how your progress will help someone remember who they are. Recently I was given the opportunity to re-connect with an old friend. This woman knew me as a teenager and saw me at my worst, however she never stopped loving me. She was highly influential to me as a teenager and young adult because of her unconditional love and heart towards young people. Our worlds divided after much drama (outside of me) that hurt her tremendously and broke her spirit. Every time I saw her she would have this glow but after the drama the few times I talked to her, it wasn’t there.

Anyway, I went to her house in December to say hello. We played cards, laughed, and talked as if no time elapsed. Last month I invited her to my house to hang out. We started talking, then I paused to listen beyond the words. As I listened, I realized that although she was hurt and much was taken from her, the passion and love for young people was still there. She expressed how proud she was of me and few other young people she dealt with. Also, how seeing me and another young lady recently made her realize how influential she was and in short, realize that dealing with young people was more than a passion but her calling. She also realized that touching the lives of young people can go beyond the church doors. I expressed to her how she influenced me as a teenager and most of all, loved me through my mess. I also took that time to apologize for the chaos I caused. Although I cannot change the past, I am big enough to admit when I was wrong.

Many people say they care about young people but only few are willing to step out and do something about it. This woman did everything in her power to reach young people but not only did she reach them, she was effective and the results were/are long lasting.

I began thinking and realized that sometimes we allow life to deter us from our passions and callings. Some of us were trained to put so much faith in man or leadership that we lose sight of where our gifting’s and callings come from. We allow “people” to dictate what we can do, who we can reach, and what format our gifting’s should be used. Reaching people has to stretch beyond the church doors and when we fail to recognize that we become people who are simply (as my sister says) “sucking up air.”

Although this woman and I use to attend church together, the most influential moments I remember were outside of the church house. She taught and showed me how to love people unconditionally through their faults; how a smile and hug that we perceive as simple can brighten a person’s day; how to speak up for myself when something’s not right; how to follow my gut and not the crowd; how to serve others with the right motives; and how to encourage people even when they are acting like idiots.

Re-connecting served a dual purpose. She could see some of the fruits of her labor and see how much of positive influence she truly is. I was reminded of what a pure, genuine heart of love looked like. Also, no matter what we experience in life never allow it to destroy our passion and deter us from our calling. Everyone will experience hurt but no one or nothing is worth losing yourself over. So get up, dust yourself off, and like Mufasa said in The Lion King “remember who you are.”

Sometimes God allows us to hit rock bottom so that we have no option but to look up. It is easy to focus on what we don’t have and what isn’t working but if we learn to stop long enough to be thankful and appreciate what we have our journey to the top may be shorter. I know everyone has experienced giving someone a gift and they did nothing but critique and complain about it. Remember that feeling of irritation and sadness because you put so much into choosing the perfect gift? How do you think God feels when we constantly complain because the blessings we asked for are not coming the way we feel they should? Why would he want to give us something bigger when we complain about what we feel is little? Do we ever stop and thank God for simply waking you up? Think about the families that are devastated because their family member took their last breath in their sleep. How about the brain power and lip movement that it takes to complain? There are people sitting in the hospital with no brain activity with their loved ones wishing they could just say one more word. Or people who can’t talk and have through communicate through other means. Do we ever stop to think that we are the reason our journey to what we believe we deserve is blocked by us? If our steps are ordered by the Lord then why do we insist on trying to put them in order? We can’t pray “thy will be done” then keep pushing our agenda. Maybe the slow path is what we need to help prepare us for what is to come.

I know we are human and frustration will come but at some point we have to be willing to look at our faults and stop blaming everyone and everything around us. I have been guilty of looking at my circumstances and allowing it to be an excuse for what isn’t. Instead of admitting my inner fears and insecurities I preferred to blame the system and my past. I still have to fight and remind myself to look up. I spent many years circling the same path because I was focused on “my will be done in my life” rather than “Lord they will be done in my life”. Or the infamous nonsense “imma do me”. Doing me hasn’t gotten me very far I’ll tell you that. I lived my life in Déjà vu because I was so head strong and determined to “do me”. I’m still a work and progress and have to work daily to remember there is someone greater than me and I can’t do it all by myself. Beyonce sang a song “Me, myself, and I is all I got until the end” and I really believed that. Carrying myself like that, yeah it was going to be me, myself, and I alright. Misguided journeys can be a lonely road because even with the get-a-long gang cheering me on, I still felt empty.

I encourage everyone when you get in that moment, pause and look up. I know sometimes it’s hard to see beyond your emotions but be thankful that you are conscious enough to have an emotional response. Be thankful for the air you breathe day in, day out. Change your thought process and remember words have power and can destroy the very thing you are working for. Don’t give up because everything happens for a reason. Be blessed.

This week I was faced with a challenge concerning my children and I had to decide how I was going to respond. Was I going to respond as an immature child or respond as the grown up that I am. Do I pick up the phone and flip out or wait until I am calm enough to address it appropriately? My first thought was to cuss people out but again the thought, do I respond as a child or as a mother. My-ex husband use to call me a “momma bear” because my automatic response to someone hurting my children was to protect and destroy. After listening to my child and hearing the hurt in his voice, I was definitely in the mood to destroy but again do I respond as a child or as a mother. Not to mention my children are watching me. I sat quietly for a while and decided I would first address my child and correct the negative words spoken to him. I reminded him that is okay to remind people if they do not have anything nice to say, they shouldn’t say anything at all. I told him that he is perfectly fine and God created him with his own personality, mind, and creativity for a reason. I also reminded him and his brother of Psalms 139:14, that they were fearfully and wonderfully made and not to allow anybody (family included) to make them feel bad about who they are. I then decided to pray for the adult and ask God for peace in this situation instead of raising hell.

One of my greatest irritations is when an adult speaks negatively to a child and tries to make them feel bad about him or herself. Children are to be loved and protected. There is a great difference between discipline or behavior correction and tearing a child down. In this situation it was nothing but negativity.

Although the situation started negative a few positives came out of it: 1) I took the time to remind my sons of who they are and it brought a smile to their faces; 2) I paused before I responded; and most importantly 3) I could see my growth because many years ago the ending would have been much different. I realized that protecting my children doesn’t have to start with a mutha f**** it can simply start with “God you know what I want to do but I ask you to help me do what I need to do”. It’s not easy but I have to decide what I want my children to see.

I encourage adults to be mindful of the words they speak to children whether it is your child, grandchild, niece, nephew, friend, or stranger. You cannot speak negative words over a child then be distraught if they act them out. As a young person many negative words were spoken over me and after a while I started to believe them. It took many years to grow beyond the words spoken and see myself in a positive light. So I appeal to you instead of being negative, try speaking life to children and young people. You will be amazed at what a difference it makes.

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself. People are not guaranteed to be there when you need them so you have to be able to tell yourself that “I love myself”, “I’m doing a good job”, “I am worth it”, “I am good enough”, and “I can do anything I set my mind to do”. It is easy to get caught up in the negativity of life but learn to turn your negatives into positive, which oftentimes begins with encouraging yourself.

What happens in that moment when everything you believe in is tested? When the statement God won’t put more on you than you can bear feels hard to believe because what you are experiencing is breaking you down? When you are left to wonder “God why me?” or “God why them?” When you love and care about someone so much that you want to drop everything to go make sure they are okay. When you hear news that make your heart drop to your feet? I have so much running through my mind trying to make sure my next step is the right step. Do I go or do I stay? Do I make an unpopular decision or do I avoid confrontation? No matter how much you prepare for life changes the reality is, you’re never ready. My best friend was given a diagnosis that caught us off guard. He and I thought we were prepared and now that we are faced with the challenge our foundation is shaken to a point of fear, uncertainty (him) and numbness (me). Although I was in a similar place not to long ago, I hurt for him because I just want to see him happy and whole. So what do you do?

What I learned from my experiences….sickness and disease are just a name and only have the power you give them. Your attitude determines much; The people around you determine much. During my time of challenges I had to change the people around me and surround myself with positive people who believed what I believed even if I had a moment of weakness. I surrounded myself with people who would not allow me to have self-pity and pushed me to focus on the positive. Although it was difficult at first, I eventually figured out that the negativity within myself was prolonging the process and causing me more pain. Once I changed my attitude and believed that what I was facing was not the end of me, healing took place. My mother would call it faith and now that I think about it, it was; believing things as though they were. When I didn’t have anything left I would say “all things work together for the good…” When I started to get scared “all things work together”. When the doctor told me something I didn’t want to hear “all things work together”. When I wanted to give up “all things work together”. When it looked like I wasn’t getting better “all things work together”.

Point being, when we are shaken it’s hard to remain focused at first. However, when we can see things through a positive light or as my mother would say “as God sees them”, it brings about a certain peace. Challenges will happen in life but what matters is how we handle them. Will we allow the fear to swallow us alive or will we step up in faith, change our attitude, and fight. I choose to change my attitude and step up in faith, what do you choose?

I watched a movie last night with my honey and as I was sitting today I started reflecting on our time spent together. My honey is in school pursuing a Doctorate so Tuesday is usually an early bed night because of the Monday late night homework cram. I knew my honey had a busy work day yesterday so I sent a text and asked about availability for the evening (forgetting that it was the early night). The response “For you? Yes!” I was super geeked like a child on Christmas morning. When my honey got home we cooked dinner together, got the kids settled, then watched 21 Jump Street cuddled on the couch (which is hilarious by the way). We also did something we rarely do (unfortunately but we’re working on it) closed our computers and ignored our cell phones. After the movie my honey reminded me that it was Tuesday and I apologized because I forgot. I said I love you, gave my honey a kiss, and we went to bed.

My reflection today was based on appreciation. Often times we take our significant others for granted with the expectation that he or she will be around whenever we are ready for them. We allow people, our children, jobs, and whatever else to dominate our lives without considering the effects. Now don’t get me wrong our children are important but just as we invest in them, we have to invest in our relationships.

We also forget to appreciate the simple things. I am thankful that even though my honey was tired, time was given to me willingly. I didn’t get a roll of the eyes or sucking of teeth, just a simple “For you? Yes!” Some people feel that spending time has to be some extravagant event or long-winded but sometimes the simple things are more meaningful. Yes I love to be “wined and dined” but I also love to cuddle with my honey and watch a TV show or movie. Both give me a sense of satisfaction because it’s not about the money spent, it’s about spending time with each other and giving and receiving love.

I believe that love is an action word so when you love someone your actions should demonstrate that. We cannot assume that our significant others know that we love him or her if we never take the time to show them. I am an action person. I can hear a person talking but if his or her actions do not match (or at least heading in that direction), his or her words are meaningless to me.

One area my honey and I talked about is making sure we take time for ourselves as we did in the beginning of this relationship. We allowed ourselves to get caught up in the lives of our five children, school, and work, forgetting about each other. It got to a point where we allowed ourselves to be so busy that a week or two would go by before we stopped long enough to look at each other even though we slept in the same bed every night. We were not angry with each other, we were just living our lives on a running motor going from one activity to the next. (Our children had activities six out of seven days a week) They were happy but we were breaking down and beginning to resent one another without realizing it.

At some point all relationships get off track, especially if you are parents of active children; however, you can’t stay there. You cannot become so comfortable with your significant other that you begin to take them for granted. It’s not fair nor is it right. It is better to appreciate them while they are there than have regrets and recognize what you had if they walk away.

I challenge everyone to take a moment to show your significant other that you love them. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, some people appreciate a simple phone call or an unsolicited hug. Find that one thing (that you use to do) that your significant other appreciated and bring it back. Call or text them in the middle of the day just to say “I love you”. Smile when they walk in the door. Look up from your computer long enough to acknowledge their presence when they come home (I have been guilty of that). Put on their favorite outfit. Turn your cell phone ringer off for an hour to focus on them. Play a game. Try something! It takes a simplestep, what is yours going to be?

P.S. This challenge is not limited to intimate relationships. It can apply to any human relationship. The bottom line is, don’t take people for granted.

As I prepare for my graduation tomorrow I can’t help but reflect on what it took to get me to this point. I have been called many names, negatively labeled, and some even laughed at the idea of me going to school expecting me to fail. I was speaking to my son today about labels and how when we display certain negative behaviors consistently people often attach that label to us. I explained to him that although it is frustrating the only person that can change it is the individual labeled. Changing the label isn’t about changing for people, it is about growing and maturing to a level beyond our past negative actions. I use to become frustrated when people placed labels on me but then I had to pause and think about whether my actions made the labels accurate. Often times they did and other times it was an unfair assumption and as grandma says to assume is to make an A.. of U and ME.

When I was a teenager people placed many labels on me and I found myself acting them out. My mindset was “well since that what you think I am, then that’s what I will be”, although my heart was in a different place. It became more frustrating as an adult when I grew beyond the actions of my youth and people still held me in a place of my past negativity. I am often amused by family members that I haven’t spoken to in years or old acquaintances that say they know me. That phrase is often followed by a past label of my youth without considering that maybe I have grown up.

It is easy to get caught up in how people feel about you or what they say even to a point of affecting one’s self esteem. I spent many years feeling as if I could be nothing more than what people called me but then I grew up. It hurt me more because most times it was “church people” placing the negative labels on me. If I had a quarter for every time a “church person” called me “bad” I would be rich. My mistake was placing “church people” to a higher standard without recognizing that they are human to. I believe that’s where many people get tripped up feeling that just because a person goes to church, is a minister, or highly involved means they are perfect. Ha! We all bleed the same blood and live in the same world, facing many of the same issues whether folks are real enough to admit it.

So here’s what I learned: Labeling people is wrong but is practiced by every human at some point in their lifetime so get over it. The best thing I could do for me is know who I am and be secure in it. Just because people called me a name didn’t mean I had to live my everday by it. If I had not stopped living by the labels placed on me, I would probably be strung out on drugs, in jail for life, have 18 kids, or in a grave by now. Point being, change your label for you. Forget people. Establish your core values, know who you are, embrace who you are, love yourself, and live your best life.

I wrote the other day about putting things in perspective. It is so easy to get off track and focus on the negative rather than the positive. I had a moment this weekend that allowed me to put things in perspective. I get frustrated with my oldest daughter sometimes because she acts as if I am her personal ATM (any parent of a teenager can relate to that). She likes to be involved in several activities but does not consider the financial burden, the time it requires, the level of committment each activity requires or how it can prevent or alter the ability for her siblings to participate in activities they like. She was talking to me about archery classes for the summer and of course my first thought was, “how much is this going to cost me?”

I was looking at Facebook over the weekend and saw a family of teenage girls she was in diapers with. I believe the oldest about 17 and the youngest I guess 13 or 14. I went through their pictures and saw them throwing up gang signs claiming to be a part of one, the youngest is said to be pregnant (according to her sisters post), the middle appears to be confused about her sexuality, and all of their mouths were filthy. All of them are friends with their mother on Facebook, which made my mouth drop more because there is no shame. It hurt me to see them because as I said they and my daughter were in diapers together.

After looking through all I could take before bursting in tears, I paused and began to reflect. First I asked God to protect them while they went through these stages. Then I began to thank God for his mercy and grace he has shown me thus far in my children’s lives. When I consider the alternative, I will take my daughter wanting to be involved in sports and activities, spending all my money, being an honor roll student, and staying out of trouble any day. Looking at where my daughter could be put everything in perspective; quit tripping about the simple things because it could be so much worse…$65 is a small price to pay.

As parents, we become frustrated so easily because our children are not doing what WE feel they SHOULD be (i.e I think she should be more considerate of her siblings). However, we fail to remember what they COULD be doing and thanking God that they are not. Although they may not be where we want them to be (which may not align with what God wants by the way), we have to acknowledge that it could be worse.

Parents, I challenge you this week when you become frustrated with what your child isn’t doing, instead of blowing up about it, take a moment to tell them what they are doing right. I’m talking to myself too. The 30 and under group has so much working against them, so if they can push through and do something positive they MUST be celebrated. Positive affirmations go a long way.

I’m grateful that God hasn’t given me what I deserve (reap what you sow) and I pray everyday that it remains. If that’s not a reason to be thankful and change my perspective then I don’t know what is.

Forgiveness has become a growing topic in society as people begin to recognize the benefits. I found a definition on Wikipedia (although not considered a reliable source) that I feel is fantastic. Forgiveness is defined as the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger caused by a perceived or blatant offense, disagreement, or mistake (Wikipedia, 2012). Forgiveness is giving yourself the freedom to fulfill your purpose. “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free” (Ponder, n.d.). “Forgiveness does not mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong” (Mayo Clinic, 2011); it just releases their power over you and moves you from a victim to a victor.

It saddens me when I see people in a state of unforgiveness that cripples them and leaves them in a non-functional state. It takes more energy to hate someone than it does to forgive them. Why? Every time you see them, you have to relive the hurt and remember the pain they made you feel. However, forgiveness gives a sense of peace and although periodic flashbacks can occur (we are human) it does not overtake you and place you back in victim status.

I was once a victim of my own unforgiveness. Unforgiveness destroyed my self worth leaving me to feel as if I couldn’t be more than what the persons who hurt me broke me down to. I was told I wasn’t good enough, nobody wanted me, God didn’t love me, I was a whore, and I would never succeed and I started to walk those words out. I hated myself and lived my life as if I was nothing because after all if God couldn’t love me, who else could right? It wasn’t until I started the forgiveness process (which included forgiving myself) that I realized that I was worth more than how my perpetrators made me feel. Releasing my bitterness and forgiving people cleared the fog out of my eyes. Forgiveness allowed me to look in the mirror and see that I am beautiful, that I am worth more than a 10 minute fix, that I had value, that my voice does matter, that I am good enough, and the hardest of all to accept was that yes God loves even me. When I began to forgive myself and the people who hurt me it felt like tons of weight was being lifted off my shoulders. My walk changed, my attitude changed, and my mindset changed. Yes I am still a work in progress and yes forgiveness is a continuous process, but the ability to sleep at night and look in the mirror and say “yes you are good enough” is well worth the effort.

I chose to free myself of unforgiveness and let me say the air is so refreshing over here. My question to you today- Is holding unforgiveness worth sacrificing your peace?

This guy is one of the few pure voices/worship leaders left in the gospel music industry so I just had to post this. This video is one of my favorites because it doesn’t seem over practiced or planned. On a side note: I love how he started on the keys (long enough to show the other guy the song) then got up and got in his zone without missing a beat. Love this guy! Pure hotness!!