The most complicated mechanism on your bicycle is certainly one of the most important, but also the least
glamorous, taking second (or third or fourth) place to shining hubs, gleaming derailleurs, and brightly-
painted frames; yet without it you'd be making your bike go by pushing your feet against the ground in a
mad, futile waddle that would feel as painful as it looked ridiculous. Yes, all those muscles bunched up
between your knees and your hips are useless if you can't get their power from the crank to the cogs, and
it's your chain that does it: one hundred fourteen itty-bitty little metal links, each one no bigger than a
thumbnail, and each one containing a very hard-working miniature bearing.

Now, it's true that shaft-drive bicycles have been built now and then over the last hundred-fifty years, but
how many have you seen lately? A shaft drive has one advantage: it is not susceptible to damage from dirt
and rain. It also has several disadvantages: it is expensive, it is heavy, it does not readily allow for
gearing changes, and, finally, it simply isn't as efficient as a chain. A well-lubed chain transmits about
98% of the energy input to it.

There's the catch: it must be a well-lubed chain.

There are dozens and dozens of chain lubes on the market; how do you tell which one does a good job?
After all, think of what a chain lubricant must do: it must get inside the bearing through the tiny gap
between the side plates of the link, and it must stay there while the power of your mighty legs pulls the
chain tight and spins it around cogs and pulleys in two directions at high speed; it must keep water out
when it rains or you go through puddles or streams; and it must also lubricate the interface between the
cog teeth and the outsides of the rollers without causing dirt to stick there, which would grind away the
metal. How many chain lubes really do all this? I'll tell you: almost none.

Chain lube is cheap, and so am I: so I'd rather buy a new chain lube than a new chain, which has given
me the excuse to try them all. Here's a summary of what I've learned:

Light chain lubes, machine oils, and foams do almost nothing. They froth, they drip, they smear, they
don't stay on the chain. Well, a little bit stays on: enough to stick dirt to it. May as well run a dry chain
as use these. Good for occasional riders or for people who don't like their bikes.

Sticky chain lubes (you know who you are) are a little better: they do stay on the chain and do keep it
satisfyingly quiet for fifty miles or so after application. They also grab every smidgen of stray dirt and grit
and invite it merrily into the bearings. Twenty minutes of rain is enough to wash them out.

Heavy grease is slightly better, but you have to boil the chain in it, which is a filthy job during which you
are likely to blow yourself up. Don't try this at home, regardless of what your uncle with the vintage BSA
motorcycle says.

Then there is wax. Wax is great, wax is good, wax is a pain in the rear. But it does the job. It's slippery,
it sticks to the chain, and dirt can't stick to the wax. The second-best chain-wax formula I know of is
Grant Peterson's: about 80% paraffin wax and 20% beeswax, both available at your local hardware store.
That's where you can find the double boiler you'll need as well. You put water in the bottom of the
double boiler, chunks of wax in the top, heat till the latter melts, add chain, and stir. After a few minutes
you take it out and carry it dripping across the kitchen floor while your Significant Other screams and
throws heavy objects at you, and you hang it to dry outside. When the neighbors ask what you are doing,
you tell them you are waxing your bicycle chain, thereby erasing all doubts as to your mental condition.
But you will have a chain that is thoroughly lubed inside where it matters, and that will stay lubed for four
to five hundred miles, rain or shine. At which time you will have to crack it off the bike and do it again.
I have found that a chain treated this way lasts about 25% longer than a chain treated with the best chain
oils available.

So why is this the second-best wax formula I know of? Because I made it even better. Many years ago, in
my motorcycle days, I used to buy a mixture marketed by Carl Shipman of New Mexico, for lubing
motorcycle chains. This mixture contained about equal parts molybdenum disulfide powder and Teflon
microspheres. Teflon is of course slippery; moly disulfide is even slipperier and tends to stick to metals.
Shipman advised mixing this with gear oil and a little gasoline (to thin it for penetration). I have half a
bottle left, and I mix it with--the wax! A chain treated with this combination lasts about 20% longer than
a chain treated with the plain stuff. And, because the additives are trapped within the wax, you still don't
get dirty hands when changing a rear tire!

There is one drawback to this formula: Mr. Shipman, so far as I know, no longer markets the additive
combination. But I am sure one could find a chemical supply house that carried the two ingredients. A
little goes a long way. I have been using the same bottle for three years now.

If you use this on a European-style commuter bike, with an enclosed chain, you might never have to
rewax. But chain covers don't work well on derailleur bikes, and one speeds don't work well in the red-
blooded West (Los Angeles, where I live, has a mountain range running through the middle). Internally-geared hub transmissions, which can be used with enclosed chains, put the higher gears farther apart and
the lower ones closer together, exactly the opposite of what you need. So you will have a derailleur, and
you will have to rewax regularly.

Then what do you do if you're too lazy to boil chains in wax? Quite simple: use White Lightning,
available in most bike shops. It appears to be wax (or a wax analogue) in a solvent base. I use it instead of
the hot-wax treatment on one of my bikes. Once you add Mr. Shipman's magic powders, it works almost
as well as hot-waxing, though it doesn't resist rain for as long. And you have to drip it on about every
hundred miles, where a good hot-waxing will last five hundred. A compromise is to hot-wax a new chain
before putting it on the bike the first time, then use White Lightning thereafter.

A dry and dirty chain will not only wear out faster, it will wear your chainrings, cogs, and pulleys faster
too. And it's you who'll be putting out the extra effort needed to bend those stiff links around all those
corners. Be good to your chain. You may not want to admit this in front of all your friends, but you know
you can't really get along without it.

Get me hot and greasy, spin me round and round all night
Yeah, get me hot and greasy, spin me round and round all night
I've got the lubes blues, baby, I won't put up no fight....