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It is with heavy heart and dampened spirits that I turn finger to keyboard and give my contribution to the raging war between Belle and Brute. Those vile nauseating beasts who have made it their mission to grossly humiliate their sisters, mothers, wives, daughters. Those soulless monsters who are bent on introducing their pornocratic ideals into Kenyan society.

The recent violence unleashed upon Kenyan women by a section of Kenyan men whose only waking thoughts are their phallic desires is quite heartrending. These libidinous men defend their actions by arguing that if a Kenyan woman dresses in revealing attire (revealing hereby being very subjective) their flaccid male parts immediately acquire penile tumescence. Once acquired, these engorgements must be instantaneously gratified through copulation with the woman, with or without her consent. It is also my understanding from the arguments of these lecherous creatures that if the spontaneous enlargements of their erectile tissues are not given immediate release, terrible side effects, even leading to their demise are bound to occur.

To avert such horrendous outcomes the best remedy for these men is to avoid entirely the onset of phallic turgidity. These licentious beings have, after much discussion, research and investigation, discovered that the onset of their troubles is beautiful, bold Kenyan women. Their congresses and conferences have resulted in the call to publicly divest women of their dress as a lesson to their unfortunate victims and other bearers of the deadly causes of their porrect appendages.

These degenerate fiends have further cemented their resolve to engage in ruthless assaults on women in a bid to make them submit to their myopic views. These sexual predators have gone so far as to threaten to walk in Nairobi clad only in their underwear as one method of making Kenyan women tow the line. They believe that once the women have a taste of their depraved disorders, they will immediately retreat and hide behind several bolts of cloth.

In full support of their concupiscent brothers and taking their barely thumbed religious manuscripts in hand are the priggish women who we are so unfortunate to host in our society today. They spew venom and repeat the outcries of their vulgar brothers using their religious beliefs as an excuse. They are so bold as to cast aspersions against the character of a loving and graceful God who created beauty and who Himself is beauty. They bring Him out as being a grim faced, whip-wielding, unbending taskmaster who only pours His love on women who wear tents.

From the arguments of this club of degenerate men (supported of course by their puritanical sisters), one can easily be convinced that women are made of granite, they do not see a man and get an instant urge to perpetuate his genes. These most lustful of men are attempting to convince us that it is men and men alone who are capable of getting so irresistibly attracted to the wonders of nature and the magic that is creation.

Now therefore, it is with great interest that I have read and re-read and pondered over the calls for and against public degradation and humiliation of women and have decided that I too must add my voice to this furor by submitting my thesis on the subject. I will begin by stating that the intended audience of this text is these lascivious men and their sententious female supporters.

However, before I have my say I want to dare this club of wanton men to make true their threat and come out in public in their boxers (Y-fronts as we shall find will be more generally the case) and vests. Let them come out in full force backed by their propagandized sisters who can also opt to adopt similar dress. But let me remind them that when they decide to take up my dare, they should appear in clean underwear. If it is white it must be clearly seen to be white and not off-white, beige or some strange hue between white and brown. Their underwear must not be torn or faded. It must not be ill fitting. With these basic requirements, they may hope to make their point.

As they plan to take up my dare, let them know today that no Kenyan woman will swoon over them. In fact, all women will run into the nearest hiding places repulsed by the sights they will be confronting them. To succeed therefore on their onslaught on the base female urges, they must choose the best of their crop. No beer bellies are to be seen on the street in underwear, similarly we do not want to see ribs walking down the street on that day. We also do not want to be subjected to the ungainly sights of unkempt pubic hair (and be assured that I am not limiting this point to those bushy outgrowths in your underarms). Select for this day the well fed, well cut construction worker, the club bouncers who dedicate their whole day at the gym, the underwear models and other Kenyan males with similar profiles. Do not for the sake of our sanity unleash skinny matatu touts in their underwear on Nairobi streets (and let also your Maendeleo ya Wanaume Chairman be consigned to the background on this day).

And now to my point of counter-argument. If you did not know this, let me now educate you debauched men (with your straight-laced sisters in the background) that even we Kenyan women go wild, we lose control and yes it is true that we too get the urge to breed. But not with all classes Kenyan men such as yourselves. The men who drive us to self destruction are those Kenyan men who take a bath every day, put on clean clothes and are odourless at the least or smell fresh at the best. Such men amplify our heart rates and make butterflies flutter in our stomachs. Those Kenyan men with good oral hygiene and have pearl white teeth and whose breath is awash with scents of fresh mint (and not rancid tobacco or fermenting five day old cabbage and boiled eggs) make us want to trip them up and climb over them. Those Kenyan men who are well kempt generally, neat hair and beards, neat, well fitting and well pressed clothing no matter how cheap they buy them make a Kenyan woman’s head swim with unmentionable imaginations. Those Kenyan men who are physically fit and take off their shirts to participate in a random neighbourhood football match make us ogle and drool. Those Kenyan men who stimulate our intellect with engaging conversation and proper etiquette make us want to eat them for dinner.

These are just but a few examples of how Kenyan men are making their womenfolk suffer in silence everyday. These men are as guilty of turning on our base sexual urges as we are of stimulating theirs. However, we maintain our cool. You do not see Kenyan women in offices lifting up the operations manager and stripping him naked because he wore Versace cologne this morning. You do not see Kenyan women dashing away with the neighbourhood handcart driver and stripping him in public because he ripped off his shirt to expose his well defined muscles. You do not see Kenyan women jumping onto, lifting sky high and stripping the keynote speaker at a conference because he stimulated their intellect.

If you do not see us doing these things, then I urge you dear lost brothers to desist from doing the same to us. Desist or dissuade us. Dissuade us by maintaining disgusting body odours and putting on stained, creased, ill-fitting clothes. Discourage us by failing to clean your fangs. Deter us by objecting to being drawn into any intellectually stimulating discourse. Frighten us away by keeping long scraggy hair and beards infested by lice, ticks and other vermin.

Having said these let me now turn my counter-argument against the women of warped doctrine. The women who so unkindly remonstrate against the natural display of beauty that is God’s gift to men. To these women I revert to their sources of information. As you unfairly castigate your bolder counterparts please take a pause and remember Esther (formally known as Hadassah) who saved her race by her beauty of person and illustriousness of dress. Recollect how Judith rescued her people from the mighty Holofernes and his swarming troops by the employ of her female wiles and provocative dress. Reflect upon the beautiful woman in the Song of Songs whose lover describes her anatomy in great detail including but not limited to her perky breasts. Pray tell me, how did he observe these intimately beautiful body parts if she was garbed in shapeless robes?

If these fail to inspire you, see how mighty men of God (saints if you may) have stood by female beauty. Take time to meditate on the beautiful Susanna and the fate that would have been hers had Daniel not stepped in to intervene. Hers was the fate of the Kenyan women who have been stripped and humiliated in public by this club of vile men which you so strongly support.

Lastly, do turn to Jesus Christ (I hereby urge you to open your eyes and study that Bible you secret in the folds of your extensive apparels). Jesus Christ said that he who has not sinned should cast the first stone. “You hypocrite!” He also said, “First take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s (in this case sister’s) eye.”

Very true. A brilliant addition to the voices of reason on this issue. It is sad that we are even debating this as a society in this day and age. It is unbelievable that we are still judging people by the way they dress rather than the content of their character. How idle are my fellow men to even be concerned about how women dress? It is a sign of idleness that does not bode well for the progress of our society.

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The highest prison term is under the Game Act for offences against protected game. The Game Act provides a mandatory minimum of 5 years imprisonment and a maximum of 15 years imprisonment without the option of a fine.