Nigel Farage held at Heathrow on return from Trump visit due to ‘mysterious brown substance’ on nose

Nigel Farage has spent the day in the Heathrow Airport holding cells as officials quiz him on a mysterious, smelly brown substance found on his nose.

The UKIP interim leader had flown back into the country after spending much of the weekend cosying up to fellow man of the people, President-elect Donald Trump, in a Manhattan penthouse apartment painted gold.

Simon Williams, Home Office spokesman, said, “Our sniffer dogs are trained to smell even the tiniest remnants of illicit substances on clothing and suitcases.

“However, they were not needed this time as fellow passengers and staff were all able to notice this foul stench wafting through the cabin since the flight took off in New York.

“On inspection, Mr Farage’s nose was found to be thickly cased in a brown substance, which we are treating as a biological hazard.

Further traces were found on his tongue, and we’ve sent it off for further testing.”

A UKIP spokesman said, “In the human centipede that is diplomatic relations with the US, Nigel has valiantly shown his willingness to get on all fours and bury his face deep inside Mr Trump’s rectum for the good of Queen and country.

“The country needs the intimate knowledge Nigel possesses of this man, and we await a call from Number 10 wanting his expertise.