Or the train? Motorscooter? Dog sled? Anything to keep from having to hear half a conversation spoken at full voice by 70 people on the same flight. Quite literally, I’d rather have snakes on a plane. Seriously.

As we’re being moved closer to our seatmates — standard seats that once were 18 inches wide are now 16 inches — it’s a poor time to allow people to yammer on, essentially to themselves as far as neighbors are concerned, about the shrew of a boss, the results from a proctology exam or whether the guy in Seat 13C is a “yummy dish.”

We know this because even commuter trains in New York have adopted having specific cars as quiet zones — no cell phones, no electronic games or videos — because of complaints about the sheer volume (both size and loudness) of passengers who had to use that time talking to someone about something somewhere else.

Is there a chance callers will be considerate? Some, yes, but not enough. Remember that self-absorbed, entitled and inconsiderate passengers are the worst part about travel (far more so than long lines or luggage fees). Don’t expect the same people who block the gate despite having a later boarding number (gate lice) — or who horde hoard overhead bin space, hog the armrest or block the luggage carousel — to suddenly say, “Golly, it would be rude of me to talk loudly on the phone while surrounded by passengers who are, essentially, captives.”

Not going to happen. There will be fights.

What’s the solution, short of boxing off a cell-only section of the plane? Allow the calls, but arrange it between the phone service and the airline to charge a prohibitively ridiculous price per minute. It’s worked before; remember air phones on the back of the seats? Rates on those things were so sky high, so to speak, that anyone who could afford to make a call on one could also afford to have his or her own plane.

It turns out that might be the outcome anyway. Airlines need to install all sorts of equipment in planes to allow cell service, costing millions of dollars, and as the airline industry is prone to do, it will pass that cost of upgrades and service (heavily padded) on to us.

If they don’t, follow the recommendation of a well-travel friend: “Buy stock in Bose. Now.”