I’m new here

Hi everyone. My names joe, I’m 28, I’m trying to figure out some ways to cope with some of my anger. Me and my wife recently had a baby, I’m finding that excessive crying from the baby and feeling of helplessness is filling me with rage. I know to put the baby down and walk away, but I get to the point where I will sometimes yell or even clench my muscles to relieve the anger feeling. (After I’m away from the baby). I sometimes get so infuriated that I find the need to hit a wall. I’m able to control and not fully lash out to anything around me, but I’ll go find a wall to punch or elbow. My dogs also drive me up the wall. It’s stuff that I can’t even really blame them for. Like for example, my dog peed in the house because I was talking a moment for myself and didn’t let her out. I don’t know if it’s just all the stresses that are coming with a new baby? It’s just concerning and I’m not really fond of how it makes me feel an episode.

It sounds to me that you are doing a good job and very much helping your child. Aletha Solter, PhD, a developmental psychologist, published an article on "Aware Parenting" all about crying babies and parents feeling helpless.

As a new member I am not allowed to post a link, so here is a copy. Note: gender bias may need to be overlooked

Aletha Solter wrote:A crying baby is a source of concern for many parents. When your baby cries and you don't know why, it can bring up feelings in you of anxiety, helplessness, frustration, incompetence, and even anger and hostility. There is much advice about crying babies, but most of it fails to explain the real reasons for crying, and offers suggestions that are damaging to your baby's emotional development.

There are two reasons why babies cry. One reason is to communicate a need or discomfort. Perhaps they are hungry, bored, cold, or they just want to be held. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what they need. The role of parents is to try to fill babies' needs as promptly and as accurately as possible. Babies cannot be "spoiled." It is impossible to give them too much love, attention, or physical contact.

The second reason for crying during infancy is less well understood. Many babies continue to cry even after all of their basic needs have been met, and even while they are being held. This kind of crying, which peaks at around six weeks of age, has been called "colic" or "irritable crying." It can last several hours a day. The traditional explanations for this crying have focused on possible physical problems such as gas pains or indigestion. However, research has shown that most babies with "colic" have nothing wrong with their digestion, and are usually in excellent health. It is therefore necessary to consider the possible emotional reasons for crying.

Infants are extremely vulnerable, and have a considerable amount of emotional pain resulting from an accumulation of stressful experiences. Distress can be caused by a traumatic birth or difficulties after birth. Babies experience confusion as they attempt to understand the world, and they are easily frightened and overstimulated. In addition, they feel frustrated as they attempt to learn new skills and communicate. All of these result in emotional pain that is stored in the body.

Fortunately, babies come equipped with a repair kit, and can overcome the effects of stress through the natural healing mechanism of crying. Research has shown that people of all ages benefit from a good cry, and tears help to restore the body's chemical balance following stress. An infant who has been isolated in an incubator without much human contact for several days may need to cry and rage for many hours over a period of months in order to release the emotional pain caused by such a terrifying and confusing experience. A three-month-old may need to have a long cry following a family reunion during which he was handled by many unfamiliar people. A six-month-old who has been trying to crawl forward all day and can only manage to go backwards may need, by the end of the day, to express his frustrations by crying and raging before he can drift peacefully off to sleep. Crying in these examples is not the hurt; it is the process of becoming unhurt.

What can parents do? First of all, it is important to check for immediate needs and discomforts, such as hunger or coldness. But if your baby is still fussy after you have filled her basic needs, it is quite appropriate simply to hold her lovingly and allow her to continue crying. Babies need closeness and attention when they are crying. No baby should ever be left to cry alone. Even though you may feel ineffective when holding your crying baby, in reality you are providing her with much-needed emotional support while she is releasing stress in this manner. Your baby is not rejecting you when she is crying. She is simply feeling safe enough to show you her feelings, just as you yourself might burst into tears if a trusted friend were to put his arm around you and acknowledge that you have had a hard day. Parents who hold their babies and allow them to express themselves in this manner usually notice that their babies are relaxed and content after the crying spell, and sleep better at night.

Why is it so difficult to hold a crying baby and to accept the crying? Probably because few people were allowed to cry as much as needed when they were little. Your parents may have tried to stop you from crying when you were a baby. Perhaps they gave you a pacifier, or kept trying to feed you, or jiggled you every time you cried, thinking this was what you needed at the moment. Perhaps they tried to distract you with toys, music, or games, when all you needed was their undivided attention and loving arms so that you could continue with your crying. They may have asked the doctor for sedatives to calm you down, or left you to cry alone, thinking there was nothing they could do. Perhaps they even hit you or yelled at you out of sheer frustration and desperation. As you grew older, perhaps you experienced more distractions or punishments from your parents and teachers as they became annoyed with your attempts to release your feelings by crying.

Your parents are not to be blamed, because they lacked information about the importance of stress-release crying. However, because of this childhood conditioning, you may find it hard to recognize this need in your own children, and you may feel pulled to stop them from crying in similar ways. It takes time to undo a lifetime of conditioning. Perhaps you need to have a good cry yourself. My advice is to go right ahead. If you can find someone to listen to you, that's even better. You will feel much better afterwards, and your baby's crying may seem a little more acceptable to you. If you find yourself becoming frustrated and exhausted because your baby cries a lot, you deserve all the help and support you can get.

Please note that this is NOT A "CRY-IT-OUT" APPROACH. I do NOT advocate letting babies cry alone. There is a huge difference between leaving a baby to cry alone in a crib and holding a crying baby lovingly in your arms, while providing comfort and reassurance.

JoeSmith wrote:Hi everyone. My names joe, I’m 28, I’m trying to figure out some ways to cope with some of my anger. Me and my wife recently had a baby, I’m finding that excessive crying from the baby and feeling of helplessness is filling me with rage. I know to put the baby down and walk away, but I get to the point where I will sometimes yell or even clench my muscles to relieve the anger feeling. (After I’m away from the baby). I sometimes get so infuriated that I find the need to hit a wall. I’m able to control and not fully lash out to anything around me, but I’ll go find a wall to punch or elbow. My dogs also drive me up the wall. It’s stuff that I can’t even really blame them for. Like for example, my dog peed in the house because I was talking a moment for myself and didn’t let her out. I don’t know if it’s just all the stresses that are coming with a new baby? It’s just concerning and I’m not really fond of how it makes me feel an episode.

Hi Joe,

Sorry I didn't catch this sooner.. The Page doesn't alert me for new Posts and I was in the middle of big Blog project.

Whoa! Tensing your Muscles is the Last Thing you should be doing. Your Borderline Rage is a cortisol-adrenaline reaction. Now, it is surprising that a baby should trigger this Fight-Flight-Fright Response, and so I suspect you also have a stressful job or a stressful life situation, where you are keyed up nearly all the time. BUT, that being said, you need to learn how to stave off these Cortisol Reactions. You do that by shaking off the the tension and taking a deep breath. Don't Tighten. the trick is loosen. I've written on this Forum a lot, see below, I have discussed Cortisol Control at length. The Trick is you have to be Quick. Usually the First Hint of a Cortisol Adrenaline Rush is that your jaw muscles will tighten up. Your Jaw muscles are the closest muscle group to the Gland in your Brain that is pumping out the Cortisol. You will FEEL the jaws tighten even before you consciously know there is even anything pissing you off. When you know you are pissed off, it is already too late to stop it. So watch for the Muscle Tension, and, yes, it usually hits the jaws first. JUST RELAX. The worst thing to do is to clamp down. Mother Nature has given us a FALSE ALARM KILL SWITCH for these FIGHT FLIGHT FRIGHT Reactions. You know, back when People lived in the Jungle, it was not always Lion... one would see the mangy village dog out of the corner of the eye and Panic thinking it was a Lion, but just one look and we know it is Okay, so RELAX.... unlock the jaw muscles. Don't Tense up. Shake it Off. Breath Deep. Say "that was a close one". Do not acknowledge the CAUSE.

Now, I DON'T think it is the Baby. You are under a lot of Stress. That Gland tends to be Over Active in people who are continuously under stress. You have to learn to be ALWAYS on your guard against Tightening Up. Unless somebody sticks a gun in your face, just Shake Everything Off. Really, ITS JUST A STINKING JOB, right? The Fat Cats are making all the real doe, and you just get the crumbs... the slave wages. SO why the hell should you break a sweat over anything, right? so Relax. Literally, Relax. You can get that Gland back to Normal only if you can keep it mellow.

Oh, Discuss this with your wife. Show her what I am saying here. She can help you with it. Also, she must be an inch away from divorcing your donkey, and so if she sees this she might not think you are such a natural born a**hole but that you just have never learned how to deal with all the stresses you are under trying make a living in this World that just wants to beat people over their heads and exploit the hell out of them... yeah, why is it we aren't all walking around with big donkey grins on our face, I wonder.

You don't think it's the baby? And then you ramble on with nonsense? You sound like someone with zero life experience and not a clue as to how anything works. You also sound fked up on some sort of chemical. Or just a troll, or perhaps both. Don't give people advice, you're terrible at it

Cali-Detroit wrote:You don't think it's the baby? And then you ramble on with nonsense? You sound like someone with zero life experience and not a clue as to how anything works. You also sound fked up on some sort of chemical. Or just a troll, or perhaps both. Don't give people advice, you're terrible at it

Hi Cali-Detroit,

I noticed that you are a New Member, only been on this page since May of this year. Well, I extend my welcome. I am Leo. If you look back into the History you will find that I have posted quite a lot, and many people, though not all, who have come to this page for help have expressed their gratitude and affirmed that my advice really worked for them. Perhaps you have read many of my posts, as I am sure that you wanted to catch up on what has been happening on the Page prior to your recent arrival.

Oh, I was wondering about to whom you were speaking about in your post. Doesn't it seem to you that you were being abusive and insulting? I see that you mention, to whomever, that he or she 'did not think it was the baby', but thought there was some underlying stress or tendency towards chronic anger. Well, I said such a thing. So, is it myself that you were belittling and insulting? Hmmmm, okay, this is an Anger Management Page. Perhaps you wanted to see if you could 'Trigger' an Anger Episode in me. Well, how is that working out. Did I pass?

Now, what about you? I can't figure out how your abusiveness could be consistent with even-mindedness. Is it yourself who is angry about something? It appears I have been the one to set you off. Can you identify your issue? I noticed that you couldn't even directly address me, you know, use my name. This does not show much of an inclination to engage me in a constructive conversation. But I can hardly offer any advice, as you did not ask for any, have you?

However, I can't see that I asked for you advise either, and so I wonder why you felt the need to engage me, in a Thread that really belongs to the original Poster. Oh... it seems I am offending in the same way. Perhaps we should pick this back up on the PM section. Have a nice day. Hope to speak to you later. You have my address.