I have a wealth of concerns about my impending parenthood. One of them is the way current parents use the word “fountain” to describe their offspring’s eliminatory actions. Another is the fear I’ll lose all my friends as I slowly lose the ability to talk about anything other than my daughter.

I don’t really think this will happen. Partly because I have more in common with my friends than our mutual not having of babies, and partly because even now i’m able to carry on a conversation without mentioning babies every other sentence.

But it seems to be happening less and less. Because all my friends want to do is talk about babies. “What’s new?” “Whatever man, tell me about your baby!”

Yeah? You wanna hear me break down just how stupid non-intuitive stroller construction can be? Or how the entire world seems to think anything intended for a baby girl has to look like it’s been puked on by a rainbow? You think that’s scintillating? Then brace yourself, friend, and make sure your seat back and tray table are locked in the upright position.

Cause we can talk about the baby. I’ve got plenty to say on the subject. But there will come a day, perhaps years from now, when I’ll hang up the phone or walk away from the table after the bill’s been paid, and you’ll turn to the person next to you and mutter “all he ever talks about is his kid.”

And when that day comes, remember- I tried. I gave you the option. You brought this on yourself.