Archive for June, 2006

Ben is still not over his cold. Poor little dude. His little voice is all raspy and he’s just not himself. We’re taking it easy in hopes that he can kick this thing.

BUT….

We (and my mom) have heard a couple times something that we think is a laugh…it’s kind of a high pitched thing, interrupted…we call it a laugh. OH NO….this week I got a full fledged squeal of joy followed by a definite giggle….maybe I already mentioned this? Anyway…I, of course, have been unable to repeat this performance for anyone. It will happen….

It’s been awhile, so I’ll just post a quick update. We have new pictures of Ben, and we’ll post them later in the week.

This weekend Ben seems to have caught a little cold, which had Scott and I worred last night. Poor little guy has a deep raspy cough and his voice is a little horse too. His breathing has changed a bit also. Nurse Kim came today and said that the important thing is that Ben’s lungs are clear, so there is no fluid buildup interfering with his Oxygen updake. Maybe Ben just caught a small headcold or has some allergies? He’s sleeping a lot today (and has all weekend), and eating a little less. In addition to this, he has lost weight for the past two weeks. He was Eleven pounds thirteen ounces two weeks ago (not twelve six…unfortunately!) and lost weight so he is back to eleven/three. As usual, though, Ben has his own agenda. He is still happy and talkative when he’s awake, and his color has been fantastic…so we’re just keeping a close eye on him and making sure he gets plenty of rest.

Last week was a crazy one…school is finally done and I”m back to being a mommy full time again (which I LOVE). Ben stayed with grandma on monday, I was home on tuesday, Karen was here for the morning on wednesday then Ben went with me back to school for the end of the year teacher’s lunch….Thursday Scott was home AND when I got home we went to IKEA for a look-see (it’s fabulous!), then friday was a day with mom again. Ben’s schedule was all disrupted as a result of all the activity, so this week will be spent getting him back on track with a little naptime/waketime rhythm. I’m not really strict with Ben’s schedule (he tends to set his own agenda anyway) but a little structure does him sooooo much good. We’re working on ways to keep this structure when we travel this summer, we’ll be going on a couple small trips with Ben in July. He’ll be a much happier boy if things are at least a little normal. 🙂

In more mundane news, Scott had a great first father’s day (Ben gave him an honorary leaky-diaper salute…and not the nice kind, as if there is a nice kind), and we went to his parent’s house for dinner. Ben also got to spend some time with Scott’s parents this weekend, as Scott and I went to a wedding in Midland (had kind of a pseudo-date, or at least some alone time).

“I’ll lend you for a little time a child of Mine” He said
“For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he’s dead
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or -three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief
You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes I have selected you
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?”
I fancied that I heard them say: ‘Dear Lord, They will be done.’
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may
And for the happiness we’ve known forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we’ve planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

I live my life right now in alternating states of sheer joy, deep anxiety, awkward silences. I see people who knew I was pregnant who don’t know about Ben, and they ask how he is…do I say fine (my normal reply, along with “doing well”) or do I launch into the story and ruin everyone’s day? I hate to be the one who says “well….not so well….” when everyone expects to hear the standard reply to “how are you/how is ben/didn’t you have a baby/how is the baby”. But I fear much more getting those questions when I run into someone in a year and I have no explanation about where or how Ben is other than the truth: that he is not with us any more. What I really want to tell people is that he talks to me every morning, that he has a great smile, that is he learning how to laugh. I want to tell them that yesterday he discovered his left foot when I held it up for him to see, or that we got about 20 excersizes to do with him to improve his muscle tone. I want to tell them that he has great hair, that he loves his mom, that he gets “all eyes and forehead” when he snuggles with his daddy. I want to tell them that he is Big, and yet still impossibly small. So I try to say these things, and all I can think is that I am telling a half truth, and that I’m prolonging the pain of having to answer “how is Ben” after he is gone. I don’t want to say fine, and I don’t want to be sad girl. But people don’t expect to hear the truth, even the good side of it.

Not too much to report this week…it is crazy being back at work and only having a couple hours with Ben at night. I miss him terribly during the day. This weekend we had brunch at Rick and Karens…Ben took a small nap. He really is his mommy’s boy…we were listening to music REALLY loud while he was sleeping, and he wasn’t phased at all…just slept right through that. Came from being in Mom’s tummy and zooming around in the Civic with the radio full blast. 🙂

Due to Ben’s recent growth sput, he is now solidly into three month old clothes….very exciting, since he was a little guy at birth..only five pounds eleven ounces. He is such a stylish guy!