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For the record

or for the spritz at finish

I wans’t really keen to run this race especially cause last year it went pretty unenjoyable. But in the other hand I really wanted to do this race for the sake of mind and the deal I’d made it with myself: running this one good will ease the anxiety to run Berlin awesome. Cause Berlin is already pretty messed up soulwise, turning all questioning on racing a marathon would totally make me loose mind.

So it was a deal, and there was Cs who decided to pace me along. I’m no good with running buddies along a race, always turn mad AF on the other when running together so I rather not. But I also had no power to say no to him and I also had this deal so gotta deal with it was my decision on this. Adding the msg from previous night that up until 91minutes spritz will be waiting on me at the finish, I felt I should be motivational, but really I was not.

Morning went hectic, Jo picking me up from the trainstation we looked more like two wrecks rather than serious race ready racers. We arrived to the already buzzing scene of startline: me keeping sunglasses on so tightly to shade the cry in the eyes. This was still before Cs realized he left his bib at home making me cry even more, but running for the bushes because pre race pee is traditionally must be done in there, there was a quick blick and smile on the pro warming up. Envied his discipline to be so serious and calm really, but I just needed to pee. Lining up was quick as we lost quite a few minutes to get a new bib organized for Cs. Off we went. I totally lost sight and mind on everything just went with the flow and it worked and felt quite well. Heard a cheer sometimes, even from M as well, and kept striding. Uneventful until around 12. We had sight of the front as they already turned back but missed the leadimg group I guess we were way too slow. Monotony was cut by mind at 13, wtf am I doing here really. At this pace really?! We let the 1:30 official pacers leave us behind, I thought I care nothing about it further. Gave a smile to Szasza -pictured- and kept questioning my sanity and Berlin marathon as well. But wasn’t really thinking at the same time. After a while I realized just cannot feel sorry for the self anymore at 4:10 pace. Fvck it. Cs was awesome, talked only when needed, kept me striding always. Unconditionally he helped me and it was just somehow pretty compact.

At 20 he told me we need a 4:10 still to make it for just under 1:30. I told him to let it go. 1:30:15 is just as fine with me. But something changed and switched and I knew the faster I run the faster I finish. Going under 4 min pace for the last 1km and a bit wasn’t hard at all, I still cannot believe I could finally do it.

Finishline. Relief and a bit of happiness. Was already mad at the mind for getting into a totally unuseful fight inside of me fvcking up my race. 1:29:44.

We drank spritz after, some prosecco later that day after managing to go via bike and meet Tim just to keep drinking for another 24 hrs, and ending up fully drunk and happy a day later. Never really realized I’ve done a massive PB and something that felt so dreadful previously and not so hard to manage afterwards. Fvck me for not feeling proud.

I’m not sure I’m ready for this marathon next weekend, but at least I made up my mind to go and run there.

Thanks for Cs and thanks for the stranger for the powerful motivation. And for the crew and for the booze. And for the legs cause they never stopped even when the mind told them to.