In the spirit of NASCAR's popular 'How Bad Have You Got It' ads, which I'm
proud to say I'm guilty of a few, I decided to come up with a few of my own,
sort of a personal test along the lines of Jeff Foxworthy's 'You Might Be a
Redneck If...'

You Might Be a NASCAR Fan If…

You've ever gone to a car dealership and ask if there's an optional safety
package that includes a 5-point harness.

While going down the road, you constantly roll the passenger side window up
and down repeating "short track…speedway…short track…speedway…"

You wait until the absolute last moment to duck out from behind someone on
the interstate to pass, gaining maximum momentum in the draft.

You actually put signs above the garage stalls at your home.

When someone is in the fast lane, going the speed limit, you close in on
their rear bumper and yell "DON'T MAKE ME BUMP DRAFT YOU."

You've ever bought a car and asked if the sun roof could be replaced with
roof flaps.

You believe that Green means go, Red means stop, and Yellow means SPEED UP
at a traffic light.

Every trip you make to a race, you try to beat your previous best time…which
I am proud to say is 35 minutes and 47 seconds from my house to the exit
ramp at Talladega.

You speed up to pass as many cars as you can before you have to get off at
your exit ramp.

You tell your mechanic to fix the alignment on your car so that it is easier to turn to the left.

NASCAR
Racing 101, sign me up for the class.Photo:
Doug Belliveau

You complained
to your local college because they didn't offer NASCAR
Racing 101 in the spring semester.

You get a good grade on your geography test because you know where all the NASCAR tracks are located.

You go to your local auto parts store and ask for an 11-gallon gas can.

You get thrown out of the Navy because you are confused as to the meaning of their signal flags.

You drive as fast as you can until you hit the white line at the driveway into the local gas station.

You use the sound of an air wrench and compressor to soothe your baby to sleep at night.

You wear Mechanix gloves whenever you do any work on your car, even washing it.

You wonder why the State Police don't wear uniforms like NASCAR officials.

You ask the gas station attendant for 110-octane fuel.

You have at least ten decals on your car.

Your car interior is soaked after a rainstorm because you forget it actually has windows.

And last, but not least, you might be a NASCAR fan if you've ever gone to a
Goodyear store and asked for scuffs.

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