Next U.S. President to Be Sworn In on The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

1 April 2014

Citing concerns from church-state separation advocates about the practice of having the president-elect place his or her hand on a Bible while taking the oath of office, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced today that the next president will instead place his or her hand on a copy of Douglas Adams’ 1979 science-fiction classic, TheHitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Roberts, who’s been described as a froody dude known to carry a bath towel with him at all times, reportedly told outraged religious groups not to panic and to just “go with it.” Roberts also said that the practice of offering an invocation at the beginning of the ceremony would be replaced with a poetry reading by the Court’s resident Vogon, Justice Antonin Scalia.

The next swearing in ceremony will be broadcast around the world, with complimentary babel fishes being offered to everyone who doesn’t speak English so that they too can enjoy the event. Earthlings are encouraged to actually pay attention for once, as important things affecting them and the entire planet, such as the planned relocation of Australia to the North Pole, will be announced at the event. Those who wish to learn more about this planned relocation should look for informative flyers that will be posted in the sub-basement of every local planning office.