Relationships

In desperate need of advice

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court0384 wrote:

My SO & I have been together for 3 years, have a 20 month old son & im 36w2d with our 2nd son. He is a wonderful father, so good with our son. He's a stay at home dad, I work full time. He is very good about taking care of our son & letting me get my rest when I need it.

However, lately we have been fighting terribly. He doesn't help me out around the house at all really, today I cleaned the living room, our sons room, the bathroom & did 2 loads of laundry (I only got to fold one) & asked him to clean the kitchen/dining room & do the dishes. He didn't do anything, in fact his mother came over & did the dishes. He also has a habit of leaving, he's been gone every night for the last 3 weeks, not coming home until between 1am-3am. I work mornings & have to be up at 5am.

I don't know what to do anymore. I literally beg him to help me out around the house, to not leave me alone but he still doesn't help me & still leaves. I'm at my breaking point. I'm posting on here in hopes that someone somewhere is in at least a similar situation. I have no friends, which he also reminds me of daily, so can't talk to anyone about it.

I am sorry you are going through this. If you are working full time while he stays home, i would expect that he is doing the majority of the housework. You can't be the one working full time and the one doing all of the housework at home- it's too much. You're husband should also not be out until all hours of the night. Where is he going? What is he doing? Why does he think this kind of behavior is acceptable. Honestly it sounds like he is not holding his end of this relationship and you need to re-evaluate if this is the best thing for your family. Is he open to counseling? Maybe he needs to hear from a third party this is unacceptable.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in somewhat of a similar situation. My SO does the same about going out and staying out until all hours of the night. In fact, he is out right now and has been since 10:30 (and it's 3 am now!!) if you need anyone to talk to I am definitely here for you! I would love to keep in touch.

This sounds like a really tough situation. If you're working full time and pregnant, and he's home all day with a toddler but still expecting you to also do the housework, sounds like you guys need to have a discussion about expectations and responsibilities. My daughter is only 10 months old, so I haven't experienced the toddler phase yet, but I'm assuming it gets easier/more free time/less night wakings. In which case, he should have no problem getting the laundry and dishes done, cleaning up, etc. And if he doesn't have time during the day, why is he out at night and not cleaning up then? Or spending time with you since you work full time? Also, if he's preventing you from having friends and throwing it in your face, it sounds like he may be emotionally abusive. Maybe you could suggest couples counseling. Good luck!

Not to be rude, but if he's home all day, why are you doing so much housework? I'm a SAHM and my DH helps, but I do 90% of housework. That's my job. And if you only have one LO at home for him to watch, there's really no excuse. He sounds like he's sitting around all day doing nothing, and then going out and having fun all night. So basically, you're taking care of a 20 month old and a teenager.

Thanks for the advice ladies! I think at this point, there's no saving our relationship. Last night our son got sick & threw up at 10:00pm, I asked my so to give him a bath to get the puke off of him. He told me to do it. He ended up giving the bath, but only because I literally begged him. Right after, he bailed until 1:00am. Then today, I worked from 6am-2:30pm, came home & he was sitting in a chair in the living room, my son still in his pajamas & the house a total disaster. I don't think I have anything left at this point.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but housework is harder with toddlers.... No more high chairs or pack n plays. They make messes faster than you can. clean them up.... exhausting! And my 2-1/2 yo still doesn't sleep through the night. I miss sleep!

OP - I am a SAHM. My house is not nearly as clean as I would like it to be, but I do the best I can. That being said your SO should absolutely be doing his fair share if not more of the housework. The burden should not be entirely on you. Do you have a chore chart? Do you have different standards of cleanliness?

Why is he going out every night? That seems excessive to me. Everyone needs a break now and then, but he also needs to be home for his family. You need to discuss this with him and come to a compromise that works for your relationship. How often is acceptable and what is a reasonable time to come home.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply it would be easy being home all day with a toddler, just not as extremely difficult as being home with an infant has been for me. I have to give her 100% of my attention from when she gets up til she goes to bed (less maybe an hour for a nap, if that). But I still do what it takes to get the housework done while she's sleeping. I just meant that if he really wanted to do the laundry/dishes/cleaning, he could find time rather than going out til all hours. And if the toddler isn't sleeping through, all the more reason not to go out at night.

OP- good for you deciding you and your children are better off without him. You're doing all the work anyways, and him going out late at night does suggest cheating.

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