National’s Hunger Plan

The National government has launched a new programme to ensure hungry workers get enough to eat.

John Key today announced that the Government will spend millions of dollars to ensure all CEOs and business executives get a proper meal to start the day.“New Zealand’s future prosperity depends on our key business leaders having a healthy and nutritious start to the day,” said Mr Key.

“We can’t expect executives who aren’t well fed to make good decisions, and hungry executives can lead to under-performing companies. A hungry boss can affect the bottom line.”

Studies have shown that many business leaders do not eat breakfast. The reasons for this vary, the most common being the need to leave the house early to beat the traffic or to get to the gym before work, and the inability of stressed executives to find time during their working day to nip out for something to eat.

Mr Key said that the Government would work with community organisations to deliver free food to boardrooms around the country, to make sure that every boss had a full belly.

“We will make sure a full cooked breakfast is available to every executive. The boardroom service will include croissants, pancakes, cereals, bacon and eggs, and fresh barista-made espresso coffee.”

The Prime Minister acknowledged that the cost to deliver the programme was “staggeringly huge”, but maintained that the cost was outweighed by the benefits of the programme, even though those benefits were not measurable in any way.

“The programme will end up making money, as companies become more profitable and pay more in tax,” said Mr Key.

“Trust me, I know about money stuff.”

The plan has been greeted with delight by business leaders.

Business New Zealand Chief Executive Phil O’Reilly called the plan a “sensible one that would make the boat go faster and add value to core competencies while streamlining efficiencies in highly competitive markets.”

Mr O’Reilly said that business leaders craved certainty in their breakfast choices above all other things.

But diet experts are concerned at the health implications of the plan.

They are worried that many already-overweight executives will take advantage of the free meals to gorge daily on huge fatty breakfasts before going back to their desks and sweating uncontrollably, finally passing out just before morning tea, while their co-workers draw straws to see who has to enter their gaseous offices to check if they are still alive.

But Mr Key has rejected criticism of the plan.

“If we care about the future of our businesses then we have to invest in the bosses who run them” said Mr Key.

“I hear people argue that executives should be responsible for feeding themselves. We can debate that endlessly, but the fact remains that bosses will be hungry at work tomorrow. Perhaps the Spin session at the gym ran late, or the Audi broke down. It doesn’t matter. They still need to eat.

“And we all know that a hungry boss is a distracted boss who can disrupt an entire workforce.

“Unlike all the serious problems with our country, we are no longer prepared to sit on the sidelines and hope this one goes away.”