Political Protests by Liberals and Tea Party Threaten Columbus Day Celebration

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many U.S. citizens observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially in various areas since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at Kinneret's Battersea Field to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. This year, however, Mayor Manny DiPresso has increased security after receiving word that a group of demonstrators plans to protest the ceremony.

Opposition to the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples Celebration
Since the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus' critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand institute called "reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition and productive achievement" to a people who were based in "primitivism, mysticism and collectivism." In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely equipped Native Americans fight a horde of armored and heavily weaponed European soldiers. After about four minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink.

Criticizing those opposing the festivities, Mayor DiPresso said: "Unfortunately, a small group of liberal protesters from outside the county has chosen to defile the true birth of our nation by claiming that Columbus Day celebrates an American genocide."

"Sure, there were a few casualties, but on both sides; I find it hard to believe Columbus was greeted as a liberator. And we all know how that plays out," the mayor added. "Also, Columbus thought he'd landed in India. If we staged a modern interpretation of the event, where Columbus brings down the world capital of outsourcing and the loss of American jobs, I bet everyone would be on board. I think these planned demonstrations are a bit hypocritical."

Presidential Candidate F. Chester Greene Also Opposes Celebrations
In an unexpected announcement, local Tea Party hero F. Chester Greene issued a statement to the mayor's office advising against the Columbus Day event.

Greene's campaign manager released the following prepared statement, bemoaning detriment of this grossly misunderstood and disingenuous holiday.

It's bad enough appropriating our taxes to give government offices a paid day off while the rest of us in private enterprise push ahead to grow the economy they've destroyed. And frankly, I could care less about unproven historical conspiracies or outrageous accusations of genocide. Genocide happens in places like Africa and Bosnia and the Middle East. Seriously, when has a Western superpower decimated an entire population? But, we also understand that progress is too often paved in broken bones and blood. Let's face it, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. But here we have the mayor, allegedly a Republican himself, trying to squander more public funding to host a silly and equally misguided party at our expense.

That money should be creating tax breaks for corporations, fighting gay marriage and exonerating the Wall Street job creators who are under siege from a misinformed bunch of communist college students. We are supposed to represent the nation as it was founded -- a land of Christian values, free from tyranny. But what Columbus Day really honors is the expansion of Catholic influence on the New World. Of sodomites and pedophiles and despots. That's not my America.

It's also recently come to my attention that Franklin Roosevelt, noted socialist and Soviet sympathizer, dragged this awful holiday onto the books during his failed watch over the country. We're still fighting to clean up the mess this cripple left on our shores. Let's start by getting rid of his worthless Catholic propaganda so that we can focus on the restoration of prosperity, limited government, heterequality and Christian principles. Allowing this ceremony to continue only empowers pork spending, the weakening of our workforce, the takeover of America by the Italian papacy and gives a bunch of commie kids a platform to spread the disease of their treasonous opinions.