Saturday, October 20, 2007

Sometimes I just don't know

Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

Right now I'm sitting in front of an open window, feeling the breeze against my skin and listening to the sounds of the wind, and a far off chainsaw. A few birds are chirping, and branches from the tree across the street are brushing against the building next to them, making a sort of skittery noise.

Yesterday they took down the dead tree which I knew would happen, eventually. The dead tree was nice even though it didn't have any leaves, it was intact and full of texture. Luckily the tree with the skittery- sound is health looking and leaves me with one tree to to look at from my window.

I'm extremely sad again today. That crying because I can't do anything else kind of sad, and I wish so much at these times that I had someone to care for me. Bf has been good about checking in with me and making sure I'm doing okay, but I realized last night that the side effects from the meds are really disturbing and not having to be responsible for things for a week would help me get acclimated without letting everything fall apart. I've tried to pay all my bills and be caught up with school week so this next week will go better.

I still think about killing myself a lot. Every day. I'm not convinced it's a bad idea. I'll leave it at that for now.

So one of the things I do when I just don't know what to do is try and take care of myself. I made myself a tuna fish sandwich and cut up a couple of carrots and had that for lunch with a big glass of water. That is in direct opposition to the burning desire I had to drink a bottle of wine and crawl into bed to pass out for a few hours. See, I'm not a total loss!

It's just that I've lived without a strong sense of meaning or self-worth for such a long time, I don't feel that I can even begin to imagine how life can be good: how I can get a job I like (one which likes me back), how I can enjoy being a parent, how I can finish school, deal with conflict in my family. DO ANYTHING.

Today is a day, is the kind of day, in which I have no reserves. It's driving across the desert on Empty and with no water.

Also, it's the kind of day during which I bake something because we have a potluck to go to and need to bring a tasty treat.