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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Jealous

Dear Daddy,Today is the 3rd year I am wishing you happy birthday from afar. I sit here thinking about what I would have written in your birthday card. Most likely it would have been, "Look who's GREAT at 78!" I would have called you this morning to wish you the best day. I would have asked you what your day was going to entail and where dinner was going to be. But, instead I am just thinking about these things I would have done. I have really come to hate past tense.I daydream a lot about you. When I run, I think about how extra special my life would be if you were still here. I have many life scenarios that will never come true. I often wake thinking you are not really gone. I also worry a lot. I worry Sophia & Kalista won't remember you someday. I miss all your worldly advice. I miss having you as my sounding board. I miss you.
I heard a revised version of a song the other day and I thought of you. The lyrics to this song in its' entirety have a different meaning. But I watched a young man sing a portion of this song, who's interpretation was of another. I was so touched by his rendition and found I truly related to his version/meaning:I am jealous you are in a better place. I am so jealous of those elements of nature that still feel you. I am jealous Heaven has you. I am jealous I can't be with you. I am so jealous it hurts to breathe.

JEALOUSI'm jealous of the rainThat falls upon your skinIt's closer than my hands have beenI'm jealous of the rainI'm jealous of the windthat ripples through your clothesIt's closer than your shadowOh, I'm jealous of the windCause I wished you the best ofAll this world could giveAnd I told you when you left meThere's nothing to forgiveBut I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found wasHeartbreak and miseryIt's hard for me to sayI'm jealous of the wayYou're happy without me