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Things you should not do in a restaurant. Or, Things that you should not say to your waiter. Or, Increasing the saliva content in your food.

First let me just say that I've never actually spat upon the food of a customer, nor have I ever seen it done in the 8 years I've been in the industry (which is a term we in the industry like to use so we don't feel like we are pissing our lives away.) I'm sure it has happened, but I've never seen it. Secondly, before I go on you should know that I don't work in a Chili's or a Bennigan's. I work in a fairly upscale, high-priced establishment. I don't say that to brag, but merely to say that we've got some game. That being said:

1. Do not say things like "You know, you really do not do yourself a service by trying to sell this (fill in the blank)" and then look at your waiter as though he his mere presence insults you."

2. When ordering a drink, Do not attempt to make your waiter feel stupid because he asks "Up or On the Rocks." In other words: NOT EVERYONE ORDERS A FUCKING OLD FASHIONED ON THE ROCKS YOU UNBELIEVABLE JACKASS.

3. While we are on the subject of drinks. You knew you were going out to eat for at least an hour. It shouldn't take you an hour to figure out what you want to drink.

4. After you have ordered your food, do not suddenly decide to change tables, especially without telling your waiter, so that the then spends five minutes looking for you only to find you've moved to another waiter's station, wasted his time, and caused him to lose his tip.

5. When a waiter asks "Would you like some fresh ground pepper/parmesan on that?", do not say "No, but I'll take some spoiled pepper." and then laugh as though you are the first person who has told this joke.

6. When a waiter asks if you would like ground pepper on your pepper steak, do not look at him and say "No, I think I have enough already. I mean, its a pepper steak!" and then laugh as though you are the first person who has told this joke.

7. When the waiter picks up the plate that you have licked clean and asks "How was everything?", do not say "I hated it, tell the chef to make me another," and then laugh as though you are the first person who has told this joke.

8. When a waiter drops of your check and says "I'll take care of this whenever you are ready," do not say "Well, that's quite generous of you," and then laugh as though you are the first person who has told this joke.

9. I don't care if you heard Oprah say it, or you read it in GQ or Maxim or Details or in the freaking Holy Bible, you always, always, ALWAYS tip on wine!!!!! Always. Got it? Always.

10. And just for grins, 15 percent is not a good tip. It makes you look like a cheap bastard. 20 percent means we've done our job. 15 percent means you were merely adequate. I know your parents told you that 15 percent was the rule, but that was when you were a kid, and you were a kid in the 80's, and the 80's was 20 YEARS AGO!!!!!

Ask any waiter and they'll tell you the same things. Or maybe I just had a bad night at work.

Comments

Hi,
Nice to see your perspective on things. Let me apologise here for being a bad tipper: I usually double the tax... which is 14%... now its 16%. One of the reasons is a cultural difference, other is I am a student. I think the latter one is just an excuse for poor tipping.

A couple of years back, I visited my home in India for a month. We went for a dinner at a "pricey" restaurant. The check came to approximately $30. I paid a round figure about $33. I know thats a bad tip in US. But after we left, the waiter came running behing us saying that we forgot to pick up the change. I said that $3 was his tip. He said that was too much. I told him to keep it. Since I was going to the train station, he hailed a cab for me. The fare from the restaurant was about $0.75. He paid that amount to the cabbie and informed me that the fare was taken care of.

It is interesting to see different cultures. Hopefully, I will start tipping better after reading your blog.

I don't blame people from different cultures for not knowing our culture when the get here, no more than I would expect to know the ends and outs of India culture the minute I would step off the plane there. The reason I wrote this post was not so much to tell foriegners to our country what to do, but because so many Americans are bad tippers.

Thanks for reading Ni Ket, glad I could help you understand our culture a bit better!

I get those dumb jokes at work all the time. I'm a dental hygienist. I can't believe people think they are the first ones to think of these dumb"jokes". I usually try to act like they didn't say anything and just go to another question or comment, or do that dumb fake laugh.

hi, saw your comment on humor girls website. i was a waitress for 7 years (in the industry, you know) and so i'll second the 20% (of course) and even add, that servers don't really enjoy change, even though they get a lot of it. big bills are nice for everyone. also, i'll add, what i considered the worst annoyance, keeping the server at the table to talk. i worked in a deli where u could see all the tables. the place would be packed. with a line. and people at the best booth in the restaurant want to ask silly questions ("like why are french fries called french and not spanish, do you know? ") , or try to make you laugh at weird similar-to-what-you-told jokes, or just plain talk about their life while u are standing there waiting for their order. aaah. waitressing. really don't miss it.

Call me a little bitter or annoyed but my ears have steam coming out of them. Never mind for thirteen years of waiting tables and bartending in all classifications of restaraunts, and trying to explain to the "unknowlegded" that I work for tips and it more than covers the cost of raising two childern as a single Mom. I've studied law and have a Legal Secertary Certificate, Certified in all Micro Soft Programs, have a Manicurist License, and I could go on, but point being, I serve you people across the bar for a reason. I enjoy being around people, and tend to be a cheap thearpist of the soul (especially after serving you a couple of shots).I've come to accept defending why I deserve my tips. However, please don't assume my job title deams me stupid or that it's a low paying job and please forget tipping me if I just got a nickle from every person who asks "Are you just doing this until you get a real job?" I wouldn't need your tips. Who ever said serving wasn't a real job? I clock in, have a boss hovering over me, work on a computer, try to mediate arguments between fellow co-workers, translate a Guests wants and needs to Spanish so the cooks can attempt to cook an order that someone made up (meaning you couldn't just get something from the menu- UGH!!), on top of keeping a smile pasted on my face and don't dare let you see me sweat or Heaven forbid, not refill that 15th coke you just inhaled, because we all know you non-tippers are my only table from the moment you walk in the front doors, not a real job? Yeah, and you never roll your eyes when someone insults your job, but hey you still get the same pay if you roll your eyes or don't get a report on someone's desk right at deadline. I'm not an idiot people, I understand what no onions means- maybe it didn't translate in the kitchen- I'm not looking for a "real" job- Waiting tables is listed in the top ten stressful jobs in America- It's not so low paying that I barely make a living- It pays my house payment, truck payment, utilities, cell phone, and raises two childern which turnabout, allows me to schedule around them. But for all you complainers that are so unforgiving of mistakes on the job or the fact that YES, you do have to pay for services rendered, I have ten more Guests that I know enjoyed their stay at the establishment because I waited on them and they were awesome enough to show it. That my friend is cash in hand everyday. No paycheck to paycheck living. "Wait tables for a day. You'll understand why waiters are tipped."

Why Are Indian people such bad tippers? i don't know if its like that everywhere but they sure are in oakland county michigan. it sure has made me really hate indian people. no i'm not racist. its strictly a tipping thing. i love people who know that you're supposed to tip 20% and i hate people who think 10% or below is ok. and i'm tellin ya with those damn indian mother fuckers its always 10 or below. cheap bitches!

By the way if you tip less than 20%you better hope you don't leave anything especially anything expensive because you will probably not be getting it back. i worked in one restaurant and i saw 2 ends of the spectrum. my table was absolutely amazing. they were extremely appreciative thankful throughout the whole meal and left me more than 20%. then the wife left a beautiful pair of chanel sunglasses in the booth. i didn't even think twice before putting it in a safe place for her. now, on the other end, a friend of mine had a table that left her 15% (which no matter what you think, is no longer acceptable, its now 20%) and was kinda rude. the girl left her dolce and gabanna sunglasses and without thinkin twice she grabbed them and the girl never saw them again. it may seem unbelievable but this is a completely true story. simply treat people how you would want to be treated. if you sit at my table for an hour then don't even leave me 20%, then i'm sorry but you're a piece of shit and it's not worth my time to

I wish someone would write something like this for hosts. I've grown to expect most guests to be annoying, and the decent people to be the exceptions to the rule.

If you want a booth, tell me before I start seating you. I actually had some woman tell another host that it was because she knew she wouldn't have to wait as long if she didn't mention it until right then.

Same goes for window seats or a special table.

Don't seat yourself.

Don't move to another table. If you absolutely must, ask someone first, because you might be putting yourself in a section without a server.

Just because you see empty tables, that doesn't mean they're open. There may not be a server in that section. Restaurants have rules, usually, about how many tables a server can take. Even if you see servers loitering, that doesn't mean anything. They could have all their tables full and they're waiting for them to cash out. They might not be signed on yet. They might be done with their shift. Think before you bitch. Geez.

I love this!! I left the "real job" world a few months ago and went back to the same place I waited back in school. I'm 36 going from a size 12 to a 10 in month. I also get to try some great food and enjoy good company. I have regulars that I enjoy talking to and not just for the extra cash they will leave, but it's just nice. They understand when I am in the weeds and just smile. I know what they want, they don't have to say a thing. For those of you who don't wait, get to know the server you like, the service for being nice and remembered will be a bonus to you from then on out. Also, I 2nd or 3rd that we are not idiots that can't get a "real job", it is "real". You run around and make your people happy, deal with some nuts you work with and still come out of that door with a smile on your face and wait on you the best we can. Oh and I don't cook, don't take it out on me if your meal is not perfect, I will try everything in my power to fix it, but there is no need to be rude and mean to anyone. Treat others as you would wish them to treat you.

And 20% is correct. If I do all in my power to make you happy I have earned it. Same when you come in on band night and see me fight my way through the people in the bar, get your drink back to you without spilling a drop, then you really need to tip, I have to tip out on your drinks to the bartender, why shouldn't you. And the saying "move it or wear it" has a true meaning. LOL

"now, on the other end, a friend of mine had a table that left her 15% (which no matter what you think, is no longer acceptable, its now 20%) and was kinda rude. the girl left her dolce and gabanna sunglasses and without thinkin twice she grabbed them and the girl never saw them again. it may seem unbelievable but this is a completely true story. simply treat people how you would want to be treated. if you sit at my table for an hour then don't even leave me 20%, then i'm sorry but you're a piece of shit and it's not worth my time to"

Treat people how you want to be treated? So you *want* to have your expensive belongings stolen if you leave a 15% tip? Interesting.

Sorry, dear, but your "friend" is a thief. Even if her table had left her no tip at all, she had no right to steal the customer's sunglasses. As it is, they left a standard tip, which is probably far more than she deserved. Perhaps they sensed the sort of unethical, self-serving creep she so obviously is.