Out team captain, Metta World Peace was involved in a bar-fight the other night and went down with a jacked-up knee (slipped on some vomit during the melee). Subtract about 36 pts, 15 reb, 6 stls, and 2 blks from the scoreboard this week and it looks like Laimbeer's Auburn Hills crew will be earning the chance to get murdered in the finals by those damned Cogs.

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We are both tanking. I have one guy sitting and another guy playing like he is sitting.

Noah has missed all his games this week and is a GTD tonight against the Pistons. If he plays, I need 3 blocks (assuming Parker gets none). If he doesn't play Cogs win. The other categories are pretty set.

If Noah had played and had two blocks... But he didn't, so I was breathing better after I saw that, but then I looked at the Spurs game about halfway through and realized that Parker was single-handedly trying to lose FG% for the Cogs, shooting 4/14. So, two made field goals over the course of the week made the difference.

We were hurt, we were scared, we played tentatively, and the wombatz pretty nearly kicked out butts, but now if Horford will stop throwing up into a bag, the big men are back and it's time to slap down the furry mammal ankle biters.

Should have looked at the lineups for this week. The squirrels have every single guy playing four games and I've got six guys with three. (And one of my fours, Parker, will no doubt sit out one of a back to back.)

Gone is the cooler full of malt liquor and huge jug of grain alcohol that you're used to seeing; We've replaced that stuff with spring water and crafted sports-drinks.

Squirrels players are no longer allowed to smoke cigs on the bench.

We've instituted an 11:00pm curfew and most of our players and coaches are taking it seriously.

At the training table, our newley hired team nutritionist has replaced everyone's happy meals with a carefully selected menu of superfoods based on each players optimum dietary needs (we still include a toy with each meal, ...we're not philistines).

Rufus got his GED.

Dirk switched to 100% organic weed for the remainder of the playoffs.

We actually held practice yesterday and worked on some plays (almost everyone showed up!).

Never before in the history of sports has one team hated another team so much. It's going to take everything that we have to refrain from resorting to a level of violence that would compromise our ability to achieve a decisive victory. We've installed a "performance bonus" to any Squirrels' player (or fan) that does bodily harm to Kevin Durant resulting in his inability to play.

For this week, our guys have cut way down on their drinking and recreational drug use and they're quite irritable because of this.
We're "playing angry"!

Ok, so you don't know yet that Durant has promised to buy drinks at a local strip club 90 minutes prior to each game. Those superfoods aren't going to do you a lot of good in a trash can or on someone's shoes.

Just posted a message on our team Facebook account offering season tickets to anyone who manages to set fire to Orbit City's locker room prior to game 3. We had 11,000 responses in a little under 10 minutes.

I decided to start "handsome" Chandler Parsons over Rudy Gay this week due to the potential of Rudy's jacked-up back being one wrong move away from shutting him down for the year.

Handsome Chandler has a bad hoagie for lunch and gets food poisoning, rendering him useless for tonight while Rudy takes it upon himself to film one of those "Better Basketball" videos against our Pistons.

I decided to start "handsome" Chandler Parsons over Rudy Gay this week due to the potential of Rudy's jacked-up back being one wrong move away from shutting him down for the year.
Handsome Chandler has a bad hoagie for lunch and gets food poisoning, rendering him useless for tonight while Rudy takes it upon himself to film one of those "Better Basketball" videos against our Pistons.
This is a decision that I'd like to have back.

I decided to start "handsome" Chandler Parsons over Rudy Gay this week due to the potential of Rudy's jacked-up back being one wrong move away from shutting him down for the year.

Handsome Chandler has a bad hoagie for lunch and gets food poisoning, rendering him useless for tonight while Rudy takes it upon himself to film one of those "Better Basketball" videos against our Pistons.

This is a decision that I'd like to have back.

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If I could have a decision back, you'd be playing in the 3rd place match right now....