Goddess of Gripe

Welcome to the Goddess of Gripe and Mother of Mockery!

Welcome to "Yelling It Like It Is!"...an ode to that great American icon, the inimitable and irreverent Goddess of Gripe and Mother of Mockery, "Maxine"! And, let's face it, "Everybody seems normal until you get to know them" (and "Maxine" is no exception!)

So, it's not surprising to hear what this madam of mirth and mayhem has to say about the merry month of May -- "Springtime is special, it reminds me of my ex. Especially when I'm pruning out the deadwood!"

SO WHERE DID MAXINE COME FROM?

In a world that adores only beauty, fame, and fortune, and thinks nothing of casting aside the old, obsolete, and opprobrious, it's a pleasure to see how a sassy sexegenarian named "Maxine" can all make us laugh out loud.

Hallmark Cards, (a world leader in greeting cards, gift-wrapping and other personal expression products), certainly knew a good thing when they captured the wicked wit of a crazy crone named "Maxine" twenty years ago.

The creative genius behind "Maxine" is Hallmark card artist John M. Wagner, who says he owes his inspiration for this plucky personality to his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother (who paid for his first art lessons). Note: As you can see, he omitted his wife and mother-in-law in his list of credits, (most likely on the grounds that he wishes to live in peace a little longer).

Today mirthful "Maxine" merchandise has hit the jackpot (judging from all the gripe-oriented gift-offerings on Hallmark website).

Crazy crones and closet curmudgeons will certainly find something to chortle about when they receive a few of these mighty fine funky things on their next birthday:

-- "Loafing and Loving It" personalized pieces of attire including a pair of breathtaking "bunny slippers", a "You've Got Glamour" sleep shirt, or a "Surly to Bed, Surly to Rise" nightshirt.

MAXINE'S MUSINGS ON LIFE...(AND ALL THAT CRAP IN BETWEEN).

Never at a loss for words, "Maxine" knows when to let loose with a wicked bit of wisdom that even those wankers will understand!

-- "When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you!"

-- "If you're not supposed to stick Q-tips in your ears, what the hell are they for?"

-- "Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice-cream to reach your hips."

-- "Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive."

-- "Age doesn't make you forgetful. Having way too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful."

-- "When I meditate, I envision a clear, deep pool...where a nude men's water polo match is in progress."

-- "If they can land a man on the moon, why can't they make a vacuum cleaner that'll suck up empty cans and pizza boxes?"

-- "How do we know global warming isn't just Mother Nature having a hot flash?"

-- "That summer sun is hot, so remember to use sun block before you moon anybody."

-- "There's nothing like a family picnic to destroy your faith in evolution."

-- "If men are from Mars, I say we need to find the bozo who supplied them with spaceships."

-- "My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before."

-- "When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts 'em down pretty quick."

-- "Reach for the stars! (It keeps your chest from sagging.)"

-- "It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."

-- "Life's all about ass: you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!!!"

WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WONKY WENCH

I, MAXINE, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

-- Glass of wine or a Bloody Mary

-- chocolate

-- Margarita

-- chocolate

-- Martini

-- chocolate

-- Cold Beer

-- chocolate

-- Chicken fried steak

-- chocolate

-- cream gravy

-- chocolate

-- Mexican food

-- chocolate

-- French fries

-- chocolate

-- Pizza

-- chocolate

-- ice cream

-- chocolate

-- cup of gin

-- chocolate

-- Sex

-- chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR AN AMAZON WITH ATTITUDE!

"Maxine" is everyone's favorite "lean, mean griping machine".

Voted by the "Sisterhood of Suck-It-Up" as their 'Irritating Idol Of the Year', she never fails to put wimps, wusses, and all manner of wunderkins in their place.

So, let's hear it for an amazing Amazon with attitude (in her own words of course)!

-- "I love my attitude problem!"

-- "I'm not a bitch, I've just been in a very bad mood for the past 40 years!"

-- "That which does not kill me makes me even crabbier."

-- "Don't bug me unless I can claim you as a deduction."

-- "I'm not short-tempered! I can stay mad for days!"

-- "When you're feeling stressed out, I think it helps to make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you."

CRABBY COMEBACK CLUB

"Maxine" is not your typical feisty fashionista.

If she was ever invited to flaunt her stuff, this wisecracking wench would probably bitch and complain as she shuffled belligerently down the runway in her trademark look ...those blessed bunny slippers, the oversized tinted sunglasses, and her classic blue curly hair, accompanied by her sidekick mongrel named "Floyd".

The fact of the matter is that this brutally blunt babe who shoots from her plastic hip or zaps a few zingers when the spirit moves her, has more than 17,000 fans around the world who adore her antics.

More than likely dubbed "The Crabby Comeback Club", these crass cacklepusses and closet curmudgeons, don't give a sweet tweet about whether marvellous "Maxine" skewers the odd sacred cow or two, be it fast-food, feng-shui, or Father Time!

She may be a vintage vixen, (and she'd be the first to admit that "aging is a kick in the crotchety"), but this vexing voice reminds us all that there are more than a few "golden agers" and "senior citizens" who consider themselves "sassy, classy, and still kickin' assy!"

OUR LADY OF LIPPY ON ..."IS LOVE REALLY IN THE AIR?"

"Our Lady of Lippy", Maxine, knows that every February 14th that crackpot Cupid wreaks havoc in her neighborhood full of feisty "Freedom Fifty-Fivers", (all with their newly-minted divorce decrees in hand).

The fact of the matter is that Cupid can't shoot straight. His frigging bows and arrows keep going off course and hitting the damn dogs and cockamammie cats who won't shut up now!

But Maxine is ready for "Big Booty Day". She knows exactly what to serve any limp love birds who drop by unannounced for some Valentine Vittles. Never at a loss for words, she's dishing out the dirt that day with her favorite finger food "Bittersweets"!

"Our Lady of Lippy" knows that love may be in the air one day a year but laugh lines live forever, after all, "Earth is the insane asylum for the universe isn't it?"

MOUTHY MAXINE - On the true meaning of St. Patrick's Day and how to celebrate it

St. Patrick's Day is a good reminder of why we have lots of Irish pubs and hardly any Irish restaurants.

May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.

St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Wonder if I could get him to stop by the office?

If you're kissn' ... I'm Irish.

Pinch me on St. Patrick's Day and the road's gonna ride up and to meet your face.

No green food for me. I get enough of that from my own fridge.

It's OK to pretend we're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. We pretend we're GOOD on Christmas don't we?

The invitation said "come as you are". I came hungry.

It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

GRUMPY GODDESS OF GRIPE GUESTBOOK

No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

sending

meggingmad

5 years ago

Lol!

anonymous

6 years ago

I love, love Maxine! Keep it coming!

PTurner56

7 years ago

I've been a big Maxine fan for years! She always says what the rest of us think! It's one of the benefits of getting older ") Great lens!

happynutritionist

7 years ago

LOL, you will have to meet some of the Curmudgeons on one of my lenses...liking this as part of a fun quest today...looking for grouches:-)

Ann Hinds

7 years agofrom So Cal

I am adding this to my paraprosdokian sentences lens. I love Maxine and I have use one of the cartoons on my lens as well as an example of this type of humor. You've done a great job and I really enjoyed this. Angel blessed.

cmadden

7 years ago

Maxine elevates cranky to an art form!

Renaissance Woman

7 years agofrom Colorado

Too much fun! Thanks for the laughs. :-)

anonymous

8 years ago

Nice Max photos. I forgot to add that.

anonymous

8 years ago

Very nice Squidoo, I enjoyed every aspect. I love reading what others write.

RetroCollage

8 years ago

Love your humor. It doesn't hurt that one of my very close relatives shares your name! Stop by and take a gander at my artwork at http://blog.RetroCollage.com.

davemin

8 years ago

love this lens, can't help but like maxine she is always good for a laugh

Carolan Ross

9 years agofrom St. Louis, MO

Oh this is good, really really really good. Maxine ROCKS!

poutine

9 years ago

Just look at the Maxine's cartoons again and love them

as much as the first time.

Treasures By Brenda

9 years agofrom Canada

Maxine sure has a great outlook on life! Blessed by Brenda.

Lori Lee-Ray

9 years ago

I strive each day to be Maxine lol! I have 2 great aunts just like her and they are a blast to be around! Thanks for sharing!

StarryEyes LM

10 years ago

I LOVE Maxine!! I hope I am just like her when I get up there in years!! LOL! Great Lens!

purplelady

10 years ago

I have always loved Maxine; I have also always wished that I could be more like her.

She doesn't give a damn about what people think, say or do; she personifies "What you see and hear is what you get!" You have done her proud! 5 Maxines, a lensroll and a fave. I may need to add a joke or two of hers into my funniest retirement video showcase.

crazedmama

10 years ago

Just wanted to say great lense about Maxine! She is awesome! .. Glad to have you in my Sarcasm Street group!

Wendy Henderson

10 years agofrom PA

I love Maxine! Great Lens! :)

BusyQueen

10 years ago

Squiddylicious and I love Maxine, thanks for the lens! 5 ***** and a fav!

poutine

10 years ago

What a delightful lens.

I love Maxine's quotes.

Seth1492

10 years ago

I just stumbled upon your lens, really funny~!

Achim Thiemermann

10 years agofrom Austin, Texas

How about a hearty SquidAngel Blessing for this li'l old lady, and 5*s to boot? I thought so.

anonymous

10 years ago

I absolutely LOVE this lens!!!! :) Thank you so much for joining my Opinionated and Proud group! :)

ebay-grandma

10 years ago

Great - love to laugh! She adds humor to the day.

dahlia369

10 years ago

People have different ways to cope with life. Maxine's way sure is original - and amusing for the rest of us... :)

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