How to impress your new girlfriend’s friends

This is how you keep her

It happened. After seeing each other for a few months, your girlfriend has invited you to meet her friends, and you’re apprehensive. They’ve heard all about you (yeah, they know what your dick looks like). You’ve heard all about them: Anushka intimidates you. You’ve already met Megha through other friends and are worried you made a pass three years ago at a holiday party. You like your girlfriend – maybe you even love her. Now you need her friends to like you, too. Here’s how:

Show up

Once I was dating someone we’ll call Karan, who didn’t want to meet my friends. I was young and in denial. Of course, it turned out he had another girlfriend in another Delhi neighbourhood. Before I figured this out, my friends warned me: “We haven’t met Karan – is this an actual relationship? Are you sure he’s real?” Then one day, when I was taking him to buy a coat (which is a major girlfriend request from someone playing me, by the way, Karan), we ran into one of my friends on the street. She said out loud in complete disdain, “Oh, my God, you are real. Nice to meet you.” Women are smart. It’s a major red flag if someone doesn’t want to meet your friends. Don’t be like Karan, who has since been banished from the city. If you’re exclusive and/or have been going out for more than a few months, you have to show up when your girlfriend invites you to meet her friends. And once you’ve shown up (on time), really show up: Make some jokes, ask sincere questions about her friends’ interests and act affectionate towards your girlfriend. They’ll love you.

Know when to f*ck off

Avoiding meeting your girlfriend’s friends is suspect, but not knowing when to step back and give her time sans boyfriend is even more annoying. No one likes a significant other who comes to every single happy hour or brunch. Sometimes women can be complicit in dragging their boyfriends everywhere, and if that’s the case, talk to her about it. She needs alone time with her friends. You need alone time with your friends. One of the secrets to a successful relationship is having time with your buddies to bitch about said relationship. Don’t be the clingy boyfriend at all social events wearing an Apple Watch that alerts you whenever your girlfriend tweets (I’ve seen this happen, and the relationship did not work out).

Know that they’re watching you

Regardless of how amazing you are, your girlfriend is going to talk about you. There are glass-half-full people who can’t stop raving about their perfect relationship, but most of us are cynical assholes who only open our mouths when we want to bitch about something. If she finds out you’ve been texting with your ex, her friends will hear about it. If you come home after taking mushrooms with your friends and start humming “Your Body Is a Wonderland” during a hand job, her friends will hear. A measured appreciation of early-Noughties John Mayer is normal. So is getting into a tiff over an ex. However: Acting controlling or overly jealous or screaming at her is neither healthy nor normal. If you act like that, she will tell her friends and they will tell her to dump you, regardless of how good your jokes were at brunch. The real secret to winning over your girlfriend’s friends is treating her with respect.