11/29/05

A short one for Special Dark

I've been told by Special Dark -- my token Jamaican-American friend --that my posts are too long to read. He said he looks at my blog and if it's more than a screen long, he just closes his browser. Keep in mind that this is the guy who, when I asked him how he ended up buying a new turbo-charged car that gets 20 miles to a gallon when he really wanted something that was fuel efficient, replied, "I fall ass-backwards into shit. That's how I roll." So needless to say, I don't take it personally.

That quote is pure poetry, and if you knew SD, you would have to agree that it sums him up so perfectly and completely that it is impossible to add anything at all to that statement to make it better or more accurate.

Since Friday's post took a lot out of me, I'm gonna coast down easy street this evening. So with that in mind, I present you with:

More Unbelievable Google Searches That Inexplicably Led People To My Blog

monistat soothing cream as a primer - I'm pretty sure this wouldn't work. Also, what the hell were you thinking of using for paint? Preparation H? And I don't want to know anything at all about your choice in brushes.

kotex flooring - It's soft, it's absorbent, and it's a fantastic insulator. What more could you ask for in a flooring material? As an added bonus, it already has adhesive on one side, so application is quick and easy!

how do you tell how fast he was going by skidmark? - A difficult question. It's much easier to tell with tightie-whities since they don't bunch up as much, but as a general rule, for every quarter-inch of width, add 20mph, and for every half-inch of length add 10mph to the posted limit. This equation will give you the approximate speed he was going when he lost control of the car and shat himself.

quizes to see if your dum - Um, yeah. You probably don't really need a quiz. Save yourself some time and just believe what people are telling you.

I had the reverse of SD's problem... I meant to buy a nifty little sporty number with twin exhausts and the sort of acceleration which makes most NASA orbital vehicles look asthmatic, but ended up with a big-arsed diesel old-git car with enough space for fourteen squabbling children and a couple of Great Danes. Go figure.

JV, SD and I went to lunch the other day, and he told me his quote to you and was crossing his fingers it would show up in a (short) post for him to read this week. Well done! SD, you're a superstar, and no I won't make out with you.

I don't mind long posts, in fact, as with most things in life, it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.Your writing never disappoints. Two things tonight made me laugh out loud. First, your comments about speed, skidmarks, and length. Then my teenage son, hearing me snurking at the computer, said 'careful, mum, you've got to make the nest before you lay the egg!" And I love the fact that you call your "token" black friend Special Dark. It makes him sound like a character from a Tarantino film... or a really nice beer.

Actually the story behind that one is there was a Hershey candy bar called Special Dark. There was also a Nestles Krackle Bar. Somebody (Shop Dung, I think) mocked up a CD cover of his and SD's first hardcore rap album...and he modified the Krackle logo to read KrackER. I wish I still had it, because it was hilarious. But for some reason, the Special Dark nickname stuck. I think he even refers to himself as SD in the third person now.