Mike Huckabee

Marco Rubio: (energetic and laid down some pretty good smackdowns on The Donald. Now what will he do with the spotlight?)Carly Fiorina: (even better smackdowns of The Donald, but she’s running for a Cabinet position or another Senate bid)Rand Paul: (probably too late to help much, but he joined in on The Donald Dogpile with enthusiasm. Lindsay Graham and Piyush Jindal give you two thumbs up!)

I’M A LOSER, BABY SO WHY DON’T YOU KILL ME?

Ben Carson: (Hey! Doc! You’re right next to the front runner and you’re in second place in Iowa. Kick his ass! You think if she were in your place Carly wouldn’t? )Jeb Bush: (Because he stayed awake better than the first debate, but he couldn’t have been much worse).

MEH.

John Kasich: (if you want to move up in the podium positioning Johnny-Boy, you gotta say something worth remembering besides you wouldn’t defund Planned Parenthood)Donald Trump: (Ever see a team get a big lead on an over-matched opponent and keep running up the score? That was Trump. Punching on Paul’s poll numbers and looks is dumb).

Ted Cruz: (So you were happy when George Bush selected John Roberts for the Supreme Court but now you’re mad he did? First rule of politics, Ted: Never apologize and never explain Look how well that’s been working for The Donald, the shark to your pilot fish).Mike Huckabee: (Is there a church somewhere with a need to hire a Bible-thumping, fire n’ brimstone preacher because this guy knows nothing about the U.S. Constitution).

WON SIMPLY BY NOT BEING THERE

Ronald Reagan: Because he’s dead and didn’t have to watch these losers stumbling around on stage claiming to be St. Ronnie’s secret love child.

Say, why are we on our second Repubs debate before the Dems even have their first? Isn’t it about time Hillary and Bernie and Marty all got together to spread the boredom around? Since they both come from states without pro football teams, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb have nothing better to do this weekend. Uncle Joe might even show up. He’s always fun!

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What happens when a man finally figures out he’s got nothing to lose by speaking his mind. If you’re Rick Perry you reach into your pants first to see if you’ve still got a pair. Then you quit. But not before you give that damn yankee Donald Trump a Texas-sized piece of your mind!

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry suddenly announced he was suspending his presidential campaign Friday.

As he did so, he made it abundantly clear that he’s still not a fan of real-estate mogul Donald Trump, the Republican front-runner in the race with whom he has often feuded.

Speaking at an event in St. Louis, Missouri, Perry repeatedly jabbed at Trump’s campaign-trail controversies without using his name.

“Demeaning people of Hispanic heritage is not just ignorant, it betrays the example of Christ,” Perry said, according to his prepared remarks. “We can enforce our laws and our borders, and we can love all who live within our borders, without betraying our values.”

This was a reference to Trump’s heated rhetoric against illegal immigration, which spurred a nationwide controversy when the developer launched his campaign in June. Perry previously likened Trump’s immigration activism to the US’s 19th-century “Know Nothing” movement, which shunned Catholic immigrants from Ireland and Germany.

“It is time to elevate our debate from divisive name-calling, from soundbites without solutions, and start discussing how we will make the country better for all if a conservative is elected president,” Perry said Friday.

Perry also bashed “celebrity” presidential candidates during his exit speech.

“For me, the message has always been greater than the man,” he said in his prepared remarks. “The conservative movement has always been about principles, not personalities. Our nominee should embody those principles. He — or she — must make the case for the cause of conservatism more than the cause of their own celebrity.”

Absolutely right, Rick. You won’t be the one making the case though.

For the moment, Perry jumping from the klown kar has zero impact on the race though his super PAC does have $17 million socked away, so Slick Rick could still sit back, chill, and see who the Last Man Standing (sorry, Carly!) and see where he wants to start scratching checks for. Or against if it comes to that.

Unless your name is John Kasich, it hasn’t been a real great time for current or former Republican governors. Jeb “the Smart One” Bush has been pushed back into the pack by Captain Combover, Gentle Ben Carson, and Carly “I Hate Hillary” Fiorina. That leaves Mike “I Used To Be Fat” Huckabee, who tries to stand out in a field of morons by being the most moronic.

Would someone please adjust Moronic Mike’s sun dial 147 years forward? Meanwhile Little Scotty Walker hasn’t impressed anyone in Iowa as he’s gone from leading the field in July at 18% to just another bottom feeder now at three percent. Which still allows him to tell Chris (the 1 Percenter) Christie to “eat it, chubs!” But cheer up, Chris! Your fave team, the Dallas Cowpies are on Sunday Night Football and looking forward to again showing exactly how their limp dick cornerbacks made Odell Beckham, Jr. a Madden cover boy.

Which leaves one more Republican governor (no, not you George Pataki and Jim Gilmore. Nobody knows you even exist), but I’m blanking on the name. Robert sombody or Bob someone or Robbie someone…no, that’s not it….Piyush! Piyush “What About Bobby?” Jindal! Shit, I forgot all about that simp! So has everybody else.

The Donald Trump Act is great, and the idea of Donald Trump is great — BUT the reality of Donald Trump is absurd, he’s a non-serious carnival act.

Donald Trump is shallow. Has no understanding of policy. He’s full of bluster but has no substance. He lacks the intellectual curiosity to even learn.

It’s silly to argue policy with this guy, he’s doesn’t know anything about it, he has no idea what he is talking about, he makes it all up on the fly. According to him his health care plan will be “fabulous” and his tax plan will be “really, really terrific.” He’s shallow, no substance.

Donald Trump is for Donald Trump. He believes in nothing other than himself. He’s not a liberal, he’s not a moderate, and he’s not a conservative. He’s not a Republican, Democrat, or Independent. He’s not for anything or against anything. Issues and policies and ideals are not important to him. He’s for Donald.

Donald Trump is a narcissist and an egomaniac. That may sound like a serious charge to make, but it is also something that everyone knows to be true, and he knows it too, and he celebrates it. He told us the other day that he’s likes Kanye West, why? “Because Kanye loves Trump.” He may be an entertaining narcissist, but he is one nonetheless.

Like all narcissists, Donald Trump is insecure and weak, and afraid of being exposed. And that’s why he is constantly telling us how big and how rich and how great he is, and how insignificant everyone else is. We’ve all met people like Trump, and we know that only a very weak and small person needs to constantly tell us how strong and powerful he is. Donald Trump believes that he is the answer to every question.

Donald Trump is not a serious person. It’s all a solo act, it’s all just a show, and the joke is on us. He’s laughing all the way to the bank, or to the polling location. P.T. Barnum was never more right.

You may have recently seen that after Trump said the Bible is his favorite book, he couldn’t name a single Bible verse or passage that meant something to him. And we all know why, because it’s all just a show, and he hasn’t ever read the Bible. But you know why he hasn’t read the Bible? Because he’s not in it.

Well, hell, Piyush. Don’t be shy. Tell us what you really think. You mad, bro ’cause Donnie dissed Carly Fiorina’s looks? You gonna defend her honor? Give ’em hell, Piyush!
“I think it’s pretty outrageous for him to be attacking anybody’s appearance when he looks like he’s got a squirrel sitting on his head. I think he should stop attacking other people’s appearances.”

BOOM! Head Shot! Not that Piyush’s intended target totally ignored the incoming salvo. In his own inimitable style, the front runner returned fire without naming names

Even on the 14th commemoration of the worst day in America’s history, Trump makes it all about him. Stay classy, Donald.

Yeah, it’s amazing how hardcore these Republicans get when they’ve got to push Donny’s fat ass off of them and the only reason they get any attention paid is they have to tear Trump down to make themselves look big. When you’ve been running for president for months and all you’ve got to show for it is a seat at the kid’s table for the debates, you get desperate.

No juice makes losers brave.

“Sieg heil, y’all!”

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Washington is such a “me too” town. Once the professional pundits and news makers decide what the story de jure is going to be, they pound it home with all the quiet subtlety of a jack hammer breaking up concrete.

This week the story was someone looked around and said, “Hey! President Obama sure is picking a lot of White guys for his Cabinet vacancies.”

Looking to shape his second term support team, the president announced his choices of Senator John Kerry as his new Secretary of State, John Brennan to replace the disgraced David Petraeus as head the C.I.A., elevated his White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew to Treasury Secretary and tapped former Senator Chuck Hagel, a Republican to be the Defense Secretary.

Out came the long knives.

Margaret Carlson, Bloomburg News columnist: At the rate he is going, Obama is going to have a Cabinet that looks more like the Augusta National Golf Club than America.

Congressman Charles Rangel (D-NY):“It’s embarrassing as hell. We’ve been through all of this with [2012 GOP presidential nominee] Mitt Romney. And we were very hard with Mitt Romney with the women binder and a variety of things and I kind of think there’s no excuse with the second term.”

Rosa Brooks, Foreign Policy columinst:To use one of President Obama’s favorite phrases, “Let me be clear”: I have nothing against white guys. I have a white guy for a father, two white guys as brothers, and a white guy husband. I love them all. But all the same, it sure would be nice to see a few more girls in the club. In particular, President Obama missed a historic opportunity to be the president who appoints the first female secretary of defense.

John Dickerson, CBS News politics contributor: “If the president is being judged quickly on race and gender issues, it may be because he taught people to do that. In his campaign there was not a race or gender issue that the Obama campaign didn’t jump on when it came to Mitt Romney and the Republicans, and so now he’s feeling a little bit of that heat himself.”

Mike Huckabee, former Republican governor of Arkansas: “Now a lot of those females who supported Barack Obama are scratching their heads, and they’re saying, ‘Whoa! How come there is so much testosterone in the Obama Cabinet and so little estrogen?’” Because if you look around, all of these high-powered appointments that he is making are all white guys.”

A loser like Huckabee is as White as a Kleenex and he’s taking pot shots at the president over “diversity?” Oh, hell no.

Take a moment to soak in the sublime hypocrisy of the overwhelmingly White and predominantly male mainstream media criticizing the Black man who happens to be the President of the United States for not having enough diversity in his appointments. Like everyone else, I would like to see more women, more people of color and more than White guys sitting around Obama at Cabinet meetings. Lisa Jackson is leaving the Environmental Protection Agency and Hilda Soltis has stepped down as Secretary of Labor. There’s two more chances for an infusion of diversity.

However, it shouldn’t make eyes roll every time Obama chooses testosterone over estrogen. Sometimes the best man for the job happens to be a man and a White one at that. Isn’t that what a colorblind society is striving for? Content of character over the color of skin and all that jazz?

I do wonder how many of the self-styled experts on diversity were around when Susan Rice (who is still U.N. Ambassador) was looking to replace Hillary Clinton at the State Department. Were they equally outraged then when the Republicans smeared her without mercy over the Benghazi debacle?

Maybe, just maybe, all the critics should withhold judgment until Obama finishes filling the vacancies in his Cabinet before ripping him for hiring too many White guys.
When you get right down to it, Obama isn’t obligated to select who he wants in his Cabinet based upon whether it includes all the proper colors of the rainbow. What matters most are these are the guys the president wants carrying out his initiatives and that trumps the grumbling Obama isn’t putting enough non-White men out in the open where everyone can see them.

Sometimes the best man for the job actually is a man and even a White man at that.

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Another day and another Republican “thinking seriously” about getting in the race. Chris Christie, the first-term governor of New Jersey has become the darling of the Tea Party, Karl Rove and other GOP insiders for his blunt speaking ways, union-bashing policies and tough style of governing.

Christie says he’s not running, but he seems to be enjoying all the attention he’s getting from Republicans imploring him to do so. They see him as their Last Best Hope of denying President Obama a second term. He sees himself sitting out 2012 and waiting for 2016 when there may be a wide-open contest without the formidable challenge of being an incumbent.

Stop in the name of love. God, I know Rick Perry had a shitty week at the debate last week, but between him and Mitt Romney, that’s a pretty good one-two punch for the Republicans. Sorry if they aren’t perfect, but I can’t believe how fast the rats abandoned the Perry ship after his debate swan dive.

Christie getting in would lively up the base–for about a couple of weeks until his considerable flaws as a candidate are exposed. One of them is his weight. He’s too fat to win.

This is not to say Christie wouldn’t be a good candidate and a formidable challenger for Obama, but America is a weight-obsessed country. The hefty Christie would be chided as being undisciplined and appearance does matter. It shouldn’t matter, but everyone knows it does.

Pretty trumps ugly, thin trumps fat, a headful of hair trumps a bald scalp and sexy always trumps frumpy. These are some of the biological hurdles Christie is not built to clear. Hate me for saying it, but prove that I’m wrong.

Christie would be picked apart by commentators cruelly focusing on his size, not his standards. He would be a punchline for every lame comedian looking for an easy and cheap laugh.

This country is never going to choose another ugly, obese, or short president. Why do so many of her supporters think Sarah Palin would be a good president despite her total lack of qualifications for the job? Because she looks good to them. Richard Nixon and Lyndon Johnson would be considered too unattractive to head a presidential ticket. The media consultants would tell them to get some plastic surgery and don’t come back until then.

It is said the weight of the world rests on the shoulder of the President. In Christie’s case it looks like it’s slipped to his waistline. It’s not right and it’s not fair, but it’s not right or fair there’s never been a plus-sized Miss America either.

If you think I’m picking on Christie’s weight just because it’s a soft target you probably think I shop at Casual Male because I like the fashions so much. I feel for the guy. I don’t like his politics, but if some naysayes thought Barack Obama was too skinny to be president, Christie doesn’t have a prayer.
Christie should consult with a former paunchy GOP governor who ran for president. Mike Huckabee dropped 100 lbs before he decided to run for president.

He should give Huckabee a call, drop some lbs and stay in Trenton until 2016 comes around. Christie’s time will come, but it’s not going to be in 2012. If you don’t look like you could run for the bus you’re not going to convince the majority of voters you can run for president.

Is America ready for a president that looks like America?

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There are things to like about Mike Huckabee even if you dislike his solidly conservative politics. He doesn’t hate President Obama. He defended First Lady Michelle Obama from idiots like Sarah Palin from the cheap shots they directed at her anti-obesity efforts (a topic near and dear Huckabee’s own heart having shed 110 pounds). Huckabee is an ordained Southern Baptist minister who pressed for all-White churches to allow Black members and says it is wrong that inner-city Blacks get harsher sentences than Whites for the same crime.

Huckabee is a smart guy whose smarts are underrated due to his “aw shucks” Forrest Gump speaking style, hanging out with aging tough guy Chuck Norris and admissions he once fried squirrel meat in a popcorn popper. Misunderestimate him at your peril. Huckabee is extremely perceptive when he wants to be. He can even be a nice guy. What he can’t be is both at the same time when he goes into initial presidential campaign mode as some polls have him as the slight favorite for the GOP nomination.

Yet, he has wisely observed the difficulty any Republican candidate will have in defeating President Obama when he said on ABC’s Good Morning America, “You don’t beat presidents easily and this idea he’s just an absolute one-term and easy to beat—this race is going to be like climbing a ladder, pointing toward you, because Barack Obama is going to start this race with a billion dollars, he’s going to have no primary opponent.”

Huckabee wants to have it both ways on the “Obama wasn’t born here” Birther nonsense. At one point he’s saying in the same interview on ABC, “I just don’t think it’s completely necessary for us to delve into such extraneous matters. And I’ll tell you, the idea that he’s not a citizen–you know why that’s nonsense? Because if there was a shred of truth to it, Hillary Clinton and her wonderful investigative opposition research team would have found it and used it. And for Republicans to be even bringing it up, I think it’s a waste of energy and time. Let’s focus on the issues with which we have disagreement, not on really the extraneous personal things that are immaterial.”

"Freak On A Leash?" You got it!

Sounds like a reasonable man, but, you can’t count on Republicans being reasonable for long. A few weeks after saying Birther rap was “nonsense” and “immaterial” he goes on a conservative talk show and in response to a question whether the former governor of Arkansas was troubled that “we don’t have a health record, we don’t have a college record, we don’t have a birth certificate” for the president.

“If you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather,” Huckabee continued, “their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different that ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather.”

The president was born in Hawaii in 1961 and grew up there. He would later spend several years in Indonesia and did not visit Kenya until later in life. His father abandoned him and his mother when Barack was two years old.

A Huckabee mouthpiece said his boss didn’t mean to infer the prez wasn’t born in America and “clarified his remarks.” Problem solved, right? Nope. Huckabee, who’s pimping a book about small government nobody is going to read, went on another right-wing radio show and gave a “what-you-think-I-said-is-not-what-I-meant” explanation.

Bryan Fischer: Well, Governor, what got lost in all the shuffle was the legitimate point that you were making which is that we may have a president who has some fundamentally anti-American ideas that may be rooted in a childhood where he had a father who was virulently anti-colonial, hated the British, might have something to do with the President returning the bust of Winston Churchill back to England. You know, I was struck by the fact that when he made his tour to Indonesia, he made a point of going to an Indonesian memorial that celebrated the victory of Indonesians over British troops–again, part of that anti-colonial thing. And so, I’d like you to comment on that; you seem to think there is some validity to the fact that there may be some fundamental anti-Americanism in this president.

Huckabee: Well, that’s exactly the point that I make in the book and I don’t know what these reporters—maybe they can’t read, I guess that’s part of it because it’s clearly spelled out and I’m quoting a British newspaper who really were expressing the outrage of the Brits over that bust being returned and the point was that they felt like that due to Obama’s father and grandfather, it could be that his version and view of the Mau Mau Revolution was very different than most of the people who perhaps would grow up in the United States. And I have said many times, publicly, that I do think he has a different worldview, and I think it is, in part, molded out of a very different experience. Most of us grew up going to Boy Scout meetings and, you know, our communities were filled with Rotary Clubs, not madrassas.

How much clearer can you say, “Hey White folks, this Barry Obama guy? He’s a militant Black guy who didn’t grow up here, hates the Boy Scouts and Rotary Clubs and White people too!”

As regards Obama removing the bust of Churchill from the Oval Office and sending it back across the pond to the Brits? It didn’t happen that way. It was loaned by ex-British prime minister Tony Blair to ex-President George Bush in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks. When the Obama Administration came in they replaced Churchill with a more decidedly American hero. Was it Martin Luther King? Malcolm X? Rick James?

Close, but it is a bust of the Great Emancipator (and Republican) Abraham Lincoln now adorning the Oval Office. Boy, that Obama, First it’s Reagan and now Lincoln; he’s always co-opting Republican icons.

First Huckabee “clarifies” his remarks about Obama, then doubles down with the Muslim dog whistle and now he’s picking on tiny preggers Oscar winners. The Huckster hit another right-wing radio show (this is becoming a running gag now) and found a new enemy of American values. Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman causes unwed pregnancies. Huh? What?

MEDVED:Well this was a – this was a low audience. However, there was – there was one moment where a very brilliant and admirable actress named Natalie Portman won Best Actress, and she won for a movie which I loathed called Black Swan. But in any event, she got up, she was very visibly pregnant, and it’s really it’s a problem because she’s about seven months pregnant, it’s her first pregnancy, and she and the baby’s father aren’t married, and before two billion people, Natalie Portman says, ‘Oh I want to thank my love and he’s given me the most wonderful gift.’ He didn’t give her the most wonderful gift, which would be a wedding ring! And it just seems to me that sending that kind of message is problematic.

HUCKABEE: You know Michael, one of the things that’s troubling is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet who boasts of, ‘Hey look, you know, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children, and they’re doing just fine.’ But there aren’t really a lot of single moms out there who are making millions of dollars every year for being in a movie. And I think it gives a distorted image that yes, not everybody hires nannies, and caretakers, and nurses. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care. And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out of children wedlock.

You know, right now, 75 percent of black kids in this country are born out of wedlock. 61 percent of Hispanic kids — across the board, 41 percent of all live births in America are out of wedlock births. And the cost of that is simply staggering.

MEDVED: It’s tremendously staggering.

What’s even more “tremendously staggering” is neither of these moralizing morons know that Portman is engaged to marry her fiance in a matter of weeks. On one hand Huckabee is perceptive enough to know the distressingly high rate of out of wedlock births, but dumb enough to suggest it’s all Natalie Portman fault.

If Huckabee is going to continue running off at the mouth without knowing the facts before he does, let’s just stop now and change the first initial of his last name from an “H” to a “F” because he’s fucking up royally this week.

Huck’s never been accused of being the smartest guy in the room, but this week he’s laying claim to being the dumbest.