Can A Bad Husband Be A Fine Father?

September 25, 1998|By Ann Landers.

Dear Ann Landers: I have been reading your column for 23 years, and most of the time, I view your advice as sound and balanced. I did not agree with you, however, when you said a man could be "a lousy husband and a great father." I speak from the perspective of a son, husband, minister and father of 23 years.

As a minister, I have counseled many couples who were suffering because one of the partners (usually the husband) had committed adultery. The emotional toll it takes on the children is agonizing. In the best cases, the full recovery of the marital relationship takes two years, and in that time, the children are neglected, confused, hurt and afraid. If there is a single incident of adultery and not a long-term affair, recovery is more likely. Repetitive affairs or a lengthy extramarital relationship not only destroys the self-respect of the wife but, far worse, will almost guarantee the same behavior in the children when they marry.

I agree with "L.D. from Houston," who said if the adultery will not stop, throw him out. The woman who finds the courage to tell her children that "there are some things that are absolutely wrong and will not be tolerated" will find the necessary strength and means to survive without him.

If a man cannot love the mother of his children, how great a father can he be? Sorry, Ann, you need to rethink your advice on this one.

Pastor Paul in Buffalo, Texas

Dear Pastor Paul: My pastor friends point out that human beings, by nature, are complex and inscrutable. Of course, adultery is poisonous to any marriage, whether it leads to divorce or not. Children, however, still can receive the nurturing care they need and deserve from parents in a flawed marriage, so don't count out those parents because of the sins of the father or mother.

Dear Ann Landers: I just read on the Internet about a new law that affects all veterans. The law says that if a veteran has not registered at a Veterans Affairs office or hospital since Oct. 1, 1996, he or she will lose all medical benefits for life as of Oct. 1, 1998. The information also said that VA cannot notify veterans about it directly and vets have to hear about it word of mouth.

This could really be a problem for a lot of veterans, Ann. Please check it out and tell me if it is true.

Tim in Orlando, Fla.

Dear Tim: This is a warning to all my readers. Do not believe everything you read on the Internet. The "problem" you cited for "a lot of veterans" does not exist. We called the Department of Veterans Affairs and got the correct information:

The new law requires Veterans Affairs to establish an enrollment system for health-care services by Oct. 1 of this year. Veterans must be enrolled in the new system in order to receive health-care services, but they do NOT have to do this by Oct. 1. Veterans can apply for enrollment anytime.

VA is now processing applications. Acceptance letters are going to veterans in the order of the priorities established by Congress. VA will make a decision every year on how many veterans it can enroll based on available funding. Those veterans who have received health-care services since Oct. 1, 1996, will automatically have enrollment applications processed on their behalf.

Veterans Affairs is encouraging all veterans to apply for enrollment by calling, writing or visiting their nearest VA health-care facility. To find the nearest facility, call the VA Regional Office at 1-800-827-1000.

Gem of the Day: One of the best tests of religion is when you find yourself in church with nothing smaller than a $20 bill.