University of Michigan Comes Out as Basketball School

ANN ARBOR (The Harbowitz Report)—Warde Manuel, Director of Athletics for the University of Michigan, revealed during an emotionally charged press conference on Wednesday that the University was ready to acknowledge what many people had suspected for a number of years. Specifically, that U-M is, in truth, a basketball school.

Reading from prepared remarks, Manuel said, “I stand before you today to announce that The University is stepping out of the illusory shadows of the Big House and into the unapologetic lights of Crisler Arena. It is time to be honest with ourselves and honest with those who love the Maize and Blue. The University of Michigan is a proud basketball school.”

“Our decision to go public has not been made lightly. It represents the first, and very important, step in the healing process necessary to address decades of sports identity confusion and the loss of self-esteem resulting from pretending to be what the Almighty and Dave Brandon never intended us to be - namely, a football school. In retrospect, it is clear that the Universe sent us Rich Rodriguez for a reason.”

“For too long,” Manuel continued, “Michigan has bowed to toxic peer pressure from schools like Ohio State, Notre Dame, Alabama, and Appalachian State. We tried to avoid the reality of our nature with over-the-top stadium renovations, state-of-the-art football practice facilities, and a multi-million dollar coaching staff. But in our heart of hearts, we always knew we were different. And, as our students like to say, ‘The scoreboard don’t lie.’”

Whispers surrounding The University’s real sports identity have become increasingly difficult to ignore in recent years. Over the past decade, U-M has repeatedly been seen sharing the court at “The Big Dance” with openly basketball schools such as Kansas, Louisville, Kentucky, Duke, and Villanova. In 2016, the Michigan football team began wearing designer jerseys featuring a silhouetted basketball player on the chest. Many sports identification psychologists considered this to be a silent cry for help.

Manuel concluded his press conference with the announcement of a special “Coming Out of the Stadium” celebration during half-time of this Saturday’s home basketball game against South Carolina. Michigan basketball currently stands undefeated and is ranked Fabulously 5th in both the AP and Coaches polls.

In related news, Goodwill of Ann Arbor announced a giant holiday sale of hundreds of lightly used Michigan football uniforms. Store manager, Charles Baird, says sales of the equipment have already been very brisk. “The helmets make excellent planters and are almost sold out. But we still have a lot of those cute capri style pants with extra padding in the hips, thighs, and knees. Customers tell us that they are perfect for aging, and extremely large, parents with equilibrium issues.”