Category: Tecmo Bowl

Everyone has that video game they absolutely love. Everyone has that video game that they can play for hours on end. Everyone has that video game character that has won their heart and everyone has that video game character that they absolutely hate, and thats what brings us together today.

So many times we have played games that makes us want to throw the controller because one character is just so infuriating you want to throw your controller at the nearest wall…and then pee on it just to show it who’s boss. Now I know everyone always defaults to that damn dirty dog from Duck Hunt, but you know what? He’s such an ass-hat that he has completely transcended the realm of douche and is now…well…just kinda funny. But who else is there? Can he really be the pinnacle of asshole in the video game world? I refuse to believe that a mangy 8-bit dog can really take the cake.

The Sun – Super Mario Bros. 3

This asshole is the reason Mario will die of skin cancer

Anyone who has played Super Mario Bros. 3 knows the irritation that can rain down thanks to this flaming ball of jackass. There you are, enjoying a nice stroll through a desert jumping on turtles and Goombas when all of a sudden this prick decides he’s going to slam a celestial butt drop onto you and smack you onto your next life. Sure you can jump, dodge, stutter step, and just about anything the fair side of a P-Wing. I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m a red head, I hate the sun normally but this cruel planetary ass-bag made me hate it in a whole new way.

Midna – Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Dude, just bite her and get it over with

Yes most people are pretty fond of Midna but not this guy. How in the world am I supposed to enjoy it when my own shadow becomes this black and white thing that turns me into a damn wolf and then rides around on my back giving me little collection tasks. I was not what you would call a fan. Who didn’t like Peter Pan when he goes hunting for his shadow? It’s a young plucky lad in search of a lost part of himself? This was nothing like that. Nobody would have liked it if Peter Pan’s shadow hopped on his back and rode him around like a little bitch. You’re a wolf Link. Grab that mini chocolate vanilla swirl imp and shake her still she stops kickin’.

It also doesn't help that they had Walter Payton and Mike Singletary

Chicago Bears Defense – Tecmo Bowl

So I had this friend once (yes once). He introduced me to the wonderful world of Tecmo Bowl. 20 years later I still hate the Chicago Bears for the simple fact that their defense would reduce me to a frustrated pile of adolescence and shame. I would run the gamut with every team, every play, and every goofy thing I could think of. I was never ever able to beat Steve when he was rockin’ the Bears D. I still sometimes wake up in a cold sweat from a dream where I’m zig zagging down the field almost ready to score the winning touchdown only to get caught and tackled by an offensive lineman who appeared to be running a 2 second 40.

Isolde – Dragon Age: Origins

Why parenting should require a license

When you have a child I can only hope you will do everything you can to ensure that he or she lives the best, safest, and most rewarding life possible. In other words…be the exact opposite of Isolde; you know, reasonable. This is a woman who had a child with a man she loved. So far not really that bad of a person. Then she learns her son has a gift. He is a mage. Rather than help him and show him that his parents want whats best for him she brings in some lame ass douche nozzle bloodmage to teach her son how to use magic. She thought only of what she wanted and not what was best for her son. Because of her selfish act her son became possessed by a demon and her husband became poisoned. That’s what we call the Double Whammy. Not only was her son possessed by a demon but it wasn’t even a fun one. In fact the only reason that Connor isn’t on this list is because…well really it wasn’t his fault. But he really was annoying wasn’t he?

Piranha Plan – Super Mario Bros.

Where's my Round-Up?

There you are, a seeming normal plumber thrust into an unnatural situation. You know you have to jump over these ginormatron green pipes and sometimes, every once in a while, you can actually go into one to get a bit of swag. Doesn’t seem too objectionable. Wait a minute…holy crap what was that? Did that flower just have teeth? Why is it trying to eat the business end of my pants? I had to just imagine that. Nope…there it is again. This evolutionary marvel made Mario take forever for me. To this day when I get nostalgic and throw down some Mario Bros. action I still an fearful that maybe, just maybe I didn’t see the freaky flower. As if trying to nibble skid marks isn’t bad enough they have the evolutionary gift of being able to spit fire. Why is it that I can’t even keep a cactus alive to save my ass but this tool not only doesn’t die easily but if he doesn’t throw an anal tongue dart my way I have to dodge a flaming ball of plant fury.

Yours Truly – Every Online Game I Play

I truly feel sorry for all of you. If you ever see me online I should be an easy kill for you. I’m admittedly not that good. I feel bad for anyone who sees my character in a game lobby. I’m like that kid who finally gets to play with the big kids one day. He gets so excited that all he produces is total suck. That’s me. If I’m on your team I’m absolutely certain to frustrate you with my total ineptitude. Warhawk? Yeah I’ll fly my plane into a mountain. “I have the flag…yeah I bet I can suddenly jump over the tank.” I’m that asshole. I’m really sorry everyone, but quite frankly no I won’t stop. I will keep playing and every once in a while I’ll melee the piss out of you while you’re trying to snipe and laugh about it. Because you just meleed by an asshole.

Maester Seymore Guado – Final Fantasy X

Please button your shirt. I don't need to see that.

Have you played Final Fantasy X? This guy not only dresses like a total jagoff (yeah nice open shirt there douche bag) he talks like one too. He doesn’t want to save the planet, he just wants to get a piece of Yuna. He even forces her to marry him to help seal the deal. Not only that did you notice his Aeon? Anima was his mother! Thats right, his mother died to help bring peace to the world and he goes ahead and makes her fayth is own person mega bitch. Yeah, Anima was bad ass when you got it but dude. Show some class. That’s your mom. What’s really infuriating about him is that he’s always there. Lurking in the background. Waiting. Watching. Oh you think you’re safe? BAM BITCHES!! He made me afraid to play Final Fantasy X-2. I spent literally the entire game expecting him to pop up out of nowhere and try to pick a fight. The horribly singing was a welcome alternative to seeing him. Granted he did have a cameo that made me throw things at my television but that was about it.

The Denist – ToeJam and Earl

The reason I haven't been to a dentist in ten years

I straight up loved ToeJam and Earl. To this day it is one of my top 5 favorite video games and more than likely always will be. The greatest part about it was that it was different every time you played it. There were two levels that were always the same; Level 1 and Level -1. When was the last time you thought about the secret level? But there was one aspect of ToeJam and Earl that always blew goats. Cupid was annoying yes. He had that off key horrible little tune he would warble, however he made things a little challenging. The Dentist. That damn dentist. As if kids didn’t hate the dentist enough they had to throw this sack of monkey nuts into the mix. He was faster than you. He could whoop your ass. Worst of all, after level 10 he was everywhere. You had to be pretty handy with the tomatoes to take this guy out. Then there was his laugh. I still cringe when I hear that laugh. Every time. Without fail.

Tornado – ToeJam and Earl

The tornado was equally annoying. Once you saw the sand you knew you had to spend the rest of the game dodging tornadoes. They didn’t take your health. They didn’t take your presents. They just took you. Wherever they wanted. 90% of the time it was either off the board so you fall down a level and have to fight through the sea of fucktards you just got past, or it was on top of a damn mole who stole all of your hard earned presents. No amount of Santa stalking could ever make up for the damage that tornado caused. I don’t care what small Ohio town you’re from I think I hate tornadoes more than you. (too soon?)

Ashley Williams – Mass Effect

One more thing Williams and you're going out the airlock

There we are. On a planet, trying to help a colony overrun with Geth. Wrex is shitting himself with anger because he wants to help the fact that he can’t have kids. He’s shooting his gun into the water. No harm, no foul. He’s just letting off some steam. He’s a 5 foot talking warthog, lizard thing. It’s understandable. I would be upset too. You send Sheppard to talk to him and you find out that he really is pissed. It’s cool, time to talk him down off the ledge. He’s almost there and this bitch Williams pops him in the head with her pistol. He’s the closest thing that game had to comic relief and now, thanks to Williams, he’s laying face down in a river. All because he was upset that he can’t have kids. Because of that single act I spent the majority of the rest of the game hoping I would be allowed to donkey punch her when the time came.

Ness – Super Smash Bros.

Can someone please pick him up in a white van?

In EarthBound he was fun to play. He was one of the heros. Gotta love Ness, that is until you see him Super Smash Bros. This little prick comes out like a hurricane floatin’ around and smacking you off the level with his bat. You know the bat? One of the most underrated tools in Super Smash Bros. A great player could grab the bat and one hit everyone off the map virtually solidifying victory. When we play it’s an all out brawl for the bat. Screw your hammer. You can’t move well with it. But the bat, more mobility, more bat smackin’, more carnage. This prick comes equipped with one. You may hate the new player effect witch Captain Falcon and the “Falcon Punch”. Let’s face it, Falcon is a powerhouse player, you know that going into it. But Ness, that prick is just full of one cheap shot after another.

Mr. Dream – Punch-Out!!

Yeah, lets find out what Tyson has to say about all of this

Back when this was Mike Tyson’s gig Punch-Out!! was the mad note. Every single person would mess up Glass Joe, laugh at Soda Popinski and fight their way to be the premier pint size pugilist. Then you got to face “the man” Mike Tyson. This man is still an imposing force of nature that no human being would ever mess with. In video game form he towered over Mac (the hero of Punch-Out!!) and one punch sent you to the canvas. It was everything you ever expected from a Tyson blow. Then suddenly something happened. Mr. effing Dream came in from “Dreamland” and took the throne from Mike Tyson. I never saw the bout myself but it had damn well better have been epic. You can’t take down Tyson with anything short of a Peterbilt. Apparently in “Dreamland” you can dream Tyson away and usurp the thrown. BUSH LEAGUE!! This flat top having, sullen cheek dick wad still had all the power of Tyson but none of the street cred. You would literally get you ass handed to you by a guy from “Dreamland”…”DREAMLAND”!! Find that on a map. I challenge you. I bet if Carmen Sandiego went there nobody would ever flipping find her ass. No boxer has ever been as hated as Mr. Dream, not even Ali when he refused the draft. He’s like Ivan Drago only infinitely more lame.

Lu Bu – Dynasty Warriors

Come to think of it, he looks a little like Maester Seymore

I spent literally a week building up my character before he could take down Lu Bu in Dynasty Warriors 4. No character in that series is nearly as diesel as Lu Bu. If you’re ever seen him you know what I mean. For those of you who don’t let me explain. It’s the third level. You’re new to the game. You love the Musou. You’re just tallying up the kills. In your wake is a sea of bodies rivaled only by…well there is nothing. You are that bad ass. Then you hear that Lu Bu is on the scene. You got this. You run in full of confidence, piss, and vinegar. One hit and it’s all over. The problem is that you’re not the one throwing the beat down. Lu Bu bitch slaps you one time and you’re on the ground. Just to add insult to injury he doesn’t let up. He just keeps on after you. You may have an army behind you but it won’t matter. Nobody will get near you or him. You get no support and he just makes you look foolish. It’s like watching Macaulay Culkin versus Warren Sapp.

Sadly, I can only rant for so long before I need a break. But I’m not done yet. I got plenty more characters that have pissed me off over the years.