December 28, 2006

So, last night I was sitting around noodling on the computer, minding my own farookin’ business, when Eric called. After a sincere exchange of holiday greetings and pleasantries, I learned the real reason for his call when he asked, “Hey, Jimbo. Do you get Animal Planet on TV?”**

Already suspecting what might lay in store, I confessed that I do get Animal Planet, although I don’t watch it much, because every time I tune in I either see badly abused animals at the hands of human maroons, or I am treated to the spectacle of one animal killing and feasting on another animal. I understand that the latter is the way things go in nature, but I’d sooner watch something else (short of The View, that is).

Anyway, Eric suggested that I immediately switch on Animal Planet, as there was something on that might interest me.

“Damn, I’ll bet it’s about alligators, isn’t it?” Anyone who has spent any time around here knows that I think alligators are vile creatures, and I am positively scared shitless of them. My “pal” Eric surely knows that.

Eric responded that indeed it was about alligators, but he thought that the program might help me get over my paralyzing fear of the beasts. What a guy.

So, I switched it on.

Holy shit!!

The first thing I saw was one bigass alligator biting a smaller alligator in half and gulping down the torn-off half in one piece. Violent, bloody, muddy, death-filled water! How very nice.

“Wow, Jimbo. Get a load of that. Isn’t that something?”

What a swell guy.

Next, I saw the host of the program riding around in a little shitty boat in water that contained so many alligators you could walk across the water on their heads and not get your feet wet. It was a horrifying thing to behold, but it was nothing in comparison to what was next.

The suicidal kook host then stood at the edge of the pond within arm’s distance of an alligator in the water and began to tap the alligator on his snout, causing the alligator to slowly open its gigantic, terrifyingly toothed mouth and hold it open while this crazy man continued to tap on its snout. I could feel my bowels beginning to loosen.

The lunatic bastard host, while tapping with one hand, then pointed to a camera that he had mounted to his head so that he could stick his farookin’ head into the alligator’s mouth in order that we all could have a look. I was thinking ”Yo, asshole. You don’t have to do that for my benefit. In fact, please don’t!”

Well, he stuck his head in the goddamned alligator’s mouth and got his picture, at least what I could see of it through my partially covered eyes. Then, after he safely pulled his head from the beast’s mouth, the gator lunged and snapped its jaws shut, missing the crazy bastard by inches.

I was about to lose the contents of my large intestine, and Eric was enjoying every minute of it.

I thanked my “pal” for the call and wished him at least one very loose bowel movement.

What a guy.

**Interesting coincidence, as the night before I had been reading a post by Erica in which she discussed Animal Planet at some length in connection with a crazy Brooklyn Cat Lady.