IELTS Writing task evaluation with a model answer

Here is one more question that appeared in the recent IELTS Writing task. A student gave an answer for it which one of our trainers has evaluated. We have also provided a model answer for it.

The question as appeared on the IELTS Writing task cue card was-

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work.some people regard this as completely wrong, While others consider it as valuable work experience important for learning and taking responsibility?
What are your opinions on this issue?You should use your own ideas, knowledge, and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.You should write at least 250 words.

Student’s Original Essay for the given IELTS Writing task questionNowadays, children are multitalented which shows great variation towards the past generation.In many nations children are involved in doing work for earning money.A fair portion citizens pretend that, it is absolutely wrong.However, other individuals claim that, children gets outstanding work experience that play a vital role in further learning and taking responsibility.I strongly agree with idea, that gives valuable work experience for children and support with relevant examples.To begin with, working at young age will boost their knowledge that retain for long period.Young age children has more intelligent quotient when compared to older people’s so that they can master whatever they learn.In Addition, practical learning gives much experience rather than theoretical learning.For instance, children working at cafe or restaurant improves communication skills automatically by talking to customers.Moreover, working at young age not only makes the child responsible but also make them to learn discipline and manners.Therefore, working for paid wages makes child skill full and gives more experience.In addition, children working for money reduces burden of parents especially from poor family background or single parent children in order to meet basic needs of life.Children become more independent rather than depending upon their parents for paying their own tuition fees and pocket Money.Moreover, children learn problem solving skills from their experience.For an example, children in Japan starts working at 14 years of age they concentrate both on education and work.Therefore, working at early age make children to boost their confidence levels.In conclusion, children must continue their studies and perform work both plays an important role.This enriches the child’s knowledge as well as gives them an opportunity to proof their skills.Error Marked EssayNowadays, children are multitalented which shows great variation from towards the past generation. In many nations children are involved in doing work for earning money. A fair portion of citizens pretend that, it is absolutely wrong. However, other individuals claim that, children gets outstanding work experience that play a vital role in further learning and taking responsibility. I strongly agree with the idea, that it gives valuable work experience for children and support with relevant examples.To begin with, working at a young age will boost their knowledge that is retained for long period. Young age children have has more intelligent quotient when compared to older people’s so, that they can master whatever they learn. In A addition, practical learning gives more much experience rather than theoretical learning. For instance, children working at cafes or restaurants improves communication skills automatically by talking to customers. Moreover, working at a young age not only makes a child responsible, but also teaches them make them to learn discipline and manners. Therefore, working for paid wages makes a child skillful skill fulland gives more experience.In addition, children working for money reduces burden on of parents especially those who are from poor family background or single parent , children in order to meet basic needs of life. Children become more independent rather than depending upon their parents for paying their own tuition fees and pocket M money. Moreover, children learn problem solving skills from their experience. For an example, children in Japan starts working at 14 years of age and they concentrate both on education and work. Therefore, working at an early age helps in enhancing the confidence levels of children. make children to boost their confidence levels.In conclusion, children must continue their studies and perform work, both of which plays an important role. This enriches the child’s knowledge of children as well as gives them an opportunity to prove proof their skills.Essay Evaluation and Answer Analysis for the given IELTS Writing task questionObjective- Band- 7

Has addressed all parts of the task.

Has presented a clear position throughout the response.

The essay has adequate number of paragraphs including a introduction and a conclusion.

It also has adequate number of words i.e 285.

Coherence- 6

1.Has arranged information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression.

Has used cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences is faulty.

For Example:The Student has written: Therefore, working at early age make children to boost their confidence levels.It Should be: Therefore, working from an earlyage helps in enhancing the confidence levels in children. make children to boost their confidencelevels.Grammar: 5

Has used limited range of structures.

There are a lot of grammatical errors regarding, subject-verb agreement, tenses etc.

For Example:The Student has written:……children gets outstanding…… At young age children has….It Should be: ……children get gets outstanding….. At young age children have has more….Vocabulary: 6

Has used an adequate range of vocabulary for the task.

Attempted to use less common vocabulary but with some Inaccuracy.

Made some errors in spellings.

For Example:The Student has written: Moreover, working at young age not only makes the child responsible, but also make them to learn discipline and manners.………gives them an opportunity to proof their skills.It Should be: Moreover, working at young age not only makes a child responsible, but also teaches them make them to learn discipline and manners.……..gives them an opportunity to prove proof their skills.Overall Band: 6Model Essay for the given IELTS Writing task question

The issue of children doing paid work is complex and a sensitive one. There are people who think it’s not right for the children to work for money whereas, others feel it’s alright as they gain hands on experience. I feel it’s okay for children to earn money as long as they volunteer for it and don’t neglect their studies. They should not be forced to work.Nowadays, in schools children are taught to help and be empathetic towards the less privileged. As a result children want to contribute in their own way, for example, when my daughter was in grade 5, along with her friends she sold lemonade and cupcakes in school. The money that they earned was given to their teacher for charity. In this way they learnt to be sensitive, caring, thoughtful etc. It also helps in improving their self esteem and confidence. It is okay if children work voluntarily in a part- time job, during vacations or holidays. They can earn their pocket money and hence as result know the value of money, learn to be independent and responsible citizens.However, there are situations when children are forced to work for money which is wrong. Firstly, poverty is the main reason due to which many children are compelled to earn and support their families. These children work in carpet or matchbox factories, etc. Also, are kept in very unhygienic conditions without proper food and ventilation as bonded laborers .They remain illiterates. Their learning is also limited due to the arduous and repetitive tasks that they perform. Such paid work should be discouraged.Therefore, in conclusion, I feel that children should work for pay, as long as it’s not mandatory and doesn’t hamper their education but children who work due to poverty should not be exploited and should be given an opportunity to go to schools and be educated.

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Introducing the idea of allowing children to work in some working area is a bit conflicting and sensitive issue. Some people think it is a good idea to let children do some sort of work; whereas some they just disagree.
In my opinion, I believe it is a healthy step to make children to do some of work or to participate in some charity activity in order to augment their confident level and self-esteem. Moreover, this will allow the kids to have sense of responsibility and caring of others. For instance, last year my daughter sold with her friend candies and other stuff and money collected and donated to some charity groups. In same time, this will introduce the idea of importance of work and spending own money wisely.
In contrast, there are some situations where the children work under unhealthy and inhumanity circumstances which are not acceptable by any means. That is where the children due to poverty are forced to work in such difficult conditions in purpose to earn money only. In this context, such paid should be prohibited.
Therefore, in conclusion, it is hard to find a consensus of working children; however, I feel it is fine to let children work if it is not affecting their studies and done in purpose of promoting their personality not due to poverty and needs of money.
Hi can i get evaluation on my essay…