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NFL games draw record-high ratings

By Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

NFL games drew record-high TV ratings for opening day broadcasts on NBC and Fox and ESPN last weekend. The games have the world’s most riveting athletes. The other day Aaron Hernandez pleaded not guilty to murder and that’s good enough for Jerry Jones.

Sports Illustrated stirred up a hornet’s nest in college football programs by singling out Oklahoma State for rules infractions over player payoffs. It involved cars, money, sex and drugs. You need six hours in each in order to earn a degree in Los Angeles Studies.

Miley Cyrus stories drew 12 times the number of American readers than stories about Syria on Google last week. Adjust or die. John Kerry announced he was making progress with the Russians on Syria on Friday while rubbing himself up against Robin Thicke.

Russia’s Vladimir Putin wrote a New York Times editorial ripping the idea of America being special. He’s an expert on clinical depression. Vladimir Putin can predict who’ll commit suicide next week in London just by picking up the phone.

Anthony Weiner was crushed in New York City’s mayor’s election Tuesday. It wasn’t that easy to cast his ballot. Under New York laws governing sexual deviants, Anthony Weiner is allowed to vote in the voting booth, but he is not allowed to close the drapes all the way.

Syrian president Bashar al-Assad went on Russian TV to signal his compliance with the cease-fire terms Thursday. They said they will hand over all their poison chemical weapons to international controls. It was the most light-hearted show ever on Russian TV.

Vladimir Putin was touted for a Nobel Peace Prize for arranging that Syria turn over its WMDs in return for the U.S. calling off its air strikes. It’s amazing. He would be the first Russian so honored since Josef Stalin won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1953 just for dying.

George W. Bush refused to criticize President Obama for not bombing Syria for their chemical weapons use. Many say the U.S. lost face over Syria. Given the same situation, President Bush would have bombed Cyprus but by God, we would have the world’s respect.

President Obama met Russian gay rights activists last week in Russia and he vowed to champion their cause. He sees it as a matter of democracy. Obama said as long as he’s president that all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.

The Taliban was reportedly recruiting women to be suicide bombers in Afghanistan for the fall terror campaign. It’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there.

Congress returned Monday with Democrats and Republicans in total disagreement over spending cuts, tax hikes and ObamaCare. The last time the two parties faced off was in the annual Congressional baseball game in July, in which the Democrats shut out the GOP. The Republicans are so bad at baseball that they’re starting to re-think immigration.

NASA reported Thursday that the Voyager I spacecraft launched into space 36 years ago traveling at a speed of 38,000 mph just departed the heliosphere. The spacecraft left our solar system. It was that afraid of George Zimmerman.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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