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As entertainment critic Roger
Ebert once said, "If you disagree with something I write, tell me so, argue
with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."

Off you go, into a boat, no cars, no internet, no luxuries. (But I do have some eyeliner for everyone.) Toss in a couple of prop skeletons and a bucket of maggots and away we go.

Welcome to Dominica. A pirates paradise. Like my chest? The chest of Zanzibar is nice too, eh?

After splitting you up into tribes teams you got to search for actual gold pieces, during the reward challenge first treasure hunt.It would seem the red team is better... No wait. It would seem that John is better then everyone else. What exactly does a scientist/erotic dancer bring to the table that others do not? Muscle? Brains? Whispers? A Compass?

Back in the real world...Good goin' on the promotion JD...er Cap'n JoeDon. You're off to a rousing start. And with 20,000 in your pocket and a chip on your shoulder, I'm already doubting your ability to hold onto the job for long. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Oh and nice job on the cushy side positions there Ben and Cheryl.Shant be too unlivable eating a bigger share of the captians crumbs, ay?

What'd you all think of Pirates Court? A big shout-out to whoever did the lighting. Perfect. It was subtle but really showed off my shimmering lead head perfectly.

Sorry about the black mark/scare there Joy and Rupert...uh sorry. Joy and Louie. Black marks are ugly, but not always fatal.As MB can surely attest to, we don't want to lose either of you just yet. So here's some dramamine for Joy and some positive editing for Rup...er Louie. *I gotta stop doing that.*

Okay everybody gather round, it's now time to give the old HeaveHo to John Geekdancer. And what a moroni...heroic gesture to try and mutiny on the first night. hahaha. Uh sorry John. Mounting a mutiny isn't a solo job.Cap'n JoeDon? Would you take the honor of slicing through the rope and setting the esoteric romancer adrift? The ship is sailing on without you, John.

It's like this. I was getting really tired of waiting for a Survivor to drown. I deliberately cast people who can't swim, can't think, can't move, I'm sure at least two of them couldn't breathe -- and what do I get? Only a handful of injuries and no fatalities. The televisions gods hate me, because they know I'm taking over the whole pantheon as soon as I get up there.

So it's time for another patented Mark Burnett completely original idea. Let's see. We'll take the voting system from my own show and distort it a little. Next up, I'll just grab the Head of Household aspect from the Chenbot -- it's not as if she's ever known what to do with it, the idiot won't even notice it's gone -- and make it even more of a revenge-bringer by turning it into something long-term that protects the power-flushed idiot's closest allies. Might as well throw in this Coup D'Tat thing or however I'll convince the country it's spelled, get TAR's clue styles because I still owe them so much revenge myself, the tortured setup, prize style, and robotic host from the Lairdbot because I walked in on the artificial non-intelligences while they were trying to mate, and -- throw them all on a pirate ship! It's completely original!

Besides, it's not as if any of them have the money to sue me.

Yes -- yes, that's it. A little minimal training in sailing techniques, just enough that they'll believe it's real, and someone will get their fingers snapped off in a rope loop, or fall from the rigging, or just outright drown. And then the ratings will come. Oh yes. They will come.

Something for the winner? All right. They could get up to a million dollars. Not an actual million dollars. Just 'up to'. This time, I'll split the proceeds as we go, and we'll get all sorts of opportunities for bribing, stealing, and spending. Especially stealing. By me. And spending. By them. Four thousand dollars for a bag of Doritos. Opening the bidding floor...

Time to cast this thing. Egos? Check. Idiots? Check. Stereotypes? Check. Rupert wanna-be? Check. Attempt to prove that all strippers are morons? Che -- oops. How did that one get through? He's beating my challenge! He's making my sets look stupid! He even spotted the Disney logo under the skulls, and they have enough money to sue me! This is the worst casting disaster since -- well, we don't talk about that. We just don't. Or you're fired.

Got to get rid of him... good thing we were casting for egos first: his is already rubbing people the wrong way... All right, I can solve this. Just pull a few strings to make his biggest rival the captain, which guarantees he'll be in the first trio to get black-spotted, then watch the social niceties fly past his complete incomprehension of 'personal space'. Check. Check. Chec --

-- he did what with the compasses? And they voted him off anyway?

Brilliant! Now we can show the other idiots stumbling around in the jungle for days without finding anything! I'll get to keep all of the prize budget for myself! It's not like I wasn't going to get it back anyway, but now I don't even have to manipulate for it! I can just send the future corpses sailing around and around the perimeter of the same island for no money, plus every time they want to move in a new direction, I can use that 'thirty minutes later' banner and show off the ship again! Yes, let's get some more shots of the ship -- and still more shots of the ship -- it's my editing: we're showing off the ship. Nothing else is as important.

What do you mean, no one knows who these people are? No one cares who these people are. I certainly don't.

Look. It's like this. I can always get more future bodies from the casting department.

May I be the first to say thank you Mark for casting me on the Picton Castle as the resident eye candy. I'll play this game UTR and be food for the soul as I smile my pretty smile that nobody will notice because they will be too busy looking at my oobies which are so very fine.

Playboy has already called and you didn't need to get out the peanut butter

My mistake. I meant to say 'What would you know about winning?' Or did you think this game was going to be your Super Bowl? Your old game has rules: I haven't even begun to set down the conditions under which you'll try to play. I can make a touchdown count for negative forty points and a fumble into the saving grace of your life. Or the receiving grave.

I've dealt with people who thought they were going to get a substitute for their ring fetish before you. One of them still whimpers whenever he hears the word 'sportsmanship'. You'll be nio different.

...someone got paid? How did this happen? Obviously the accounting department forget to deduct the Honor Of Working For Mark Burnett Tax. Don't worry: we'll balance the books somehow. If you'd rather not deal in money, I believe Jeff's hair needs some fresh blood.

And of course the casting division decided to get you excited. Watching you get excited keeps the camera operators from wondering about the new Usage Of Oxygen Tax.

You do realize that by making a deity your head cameraman, attempting to stiff him (and his Priestess/reporter) of their cruise could result in your little empire going the way of Greece, Rome, and Carthage, right?

pfffft at your casting department. It's not me that diverts Ra and Uncle Cameraman, it's all those overfilled bodices. lol

If by "doing very well" you mean keeping Fisher and Marshall's coffee cups filled with Vodka, putting up with cackling actors in wacky cabs, actresses peeing in cups on buses, or watching a director convince his actor that the 2000 version of a nerd appears to have down syndrome.

Well, considering On th Lot is doing so poorly at the ratings that FOX is cutting back to one ep per week, I thought maybe you and Ra were focussing your energies to the Pirate Master Forum on the left and missed by a hair.

Hello Mark? Are you there? This is Kendra. Remember me? You cast me for Pirate Master. Yeah, mmhmm. You see, I was kinda expecting a speaking role when you cast me. Markie, you got some 'splainin' to do before I mutiny!!!

Earring dude, I appreciate the arm you put around me as Cameron was explaining the rules of the game. You make me feel so safe, so secure, what was your name again? Lex?

Let me know if any of this sounds familiar. 'My shoe! My shoe! I lost my precious shoe! I can't keep my foot in shape to play the toe-guitar without my shoe!' I'm not supposed to air that? Silly Ben: I air what I want, and the rest, I just make up.

Look, we both know you only wound up here because you were too boring to wind up in front of Jerry Springer, too feminine for Paula, and too masculine for -- for -- well, there must be someone. If you don't want camera time, lose the officer's coat and then get on the Raft To Nowhere. Or consider carefully who you're working for. You're tied to Don Joe at the hip, and they will all -- go down -- together...

Kendra? Laurel? Azmyth? We did not miss the boat, did we?No, I was actually there. I saw myself a few times (what? you don't know there are mirrors around so we can check our make up constantly?) I am a make up artist you know. Hummmmm. thinking maybe that's why Mark brought me along. Oh well, as long as I get my share of the gold (& by my share I mean the biggest portions).

Hey! Capt JD. You know all that gold ya got, you coniving swindler sweet hunk of burnin lvoe? Iffn it'd be pleasin ya, I might have something to share wid ya, iffn you could see yore way to slippin a few pieces my way.

Avast ye scurvy dogs, get to your chores and no talk of Mutiny or I'll keelhaul ya just like Johnny (Depp) that's over there on the adrift wood!

Compass? We don't need no stinking compass? We sail by the stars at night and by the sun at day! Who cares if we passed that island 4 times today, I'm the captain, not a navigator! It's not my fault you kept the Rupert wannabe over the exoctic dancer who stole the compasses lying around........

Like my cabin? Because you're only gonna see it by invitation only! Arrgh.

and THAT was a unamious vote, Rupert Louie, if they really thought about it, (and maybe you also make a plea for it), they'd maybe sent somebody else adrift. Including *gulp* me! Apparently he who complains, gets set adrift, so watch your own back, mate!

...not again! Let's make something perfectly clear here, non-people. Are you listening? I. Don't. Do. Parrots. Not after -- we're not going to talk about that. But no more parrots. I am at my parrot limit. Once was more than enough and after what Jeff kept doing --

-- this one's red? You're sure?

All right, I suppose that's vaguely different. It can stay for now, at least until more evidence arises or someone graduates from the Clarence School Of Cookery. But I don't want to see it anywhere near me, I'm definitely not paying it, and I will make sure it gets abused at every possible opporunity.

So basically, it's now an extra contestant. Add one more letter to the black spot pile.

For some strange reason, I just got tired of being called an ignorant slut.

I cast one where half the group thought she was a stripper and they completely fail to vote her off first. I cast one where the entire group knows he's a stripper and he barely stays long enough to steal two compasses and cast a shadow. As far as I'm concerned, I'm vindicated.

Arrrg! I be sailing under the deck-line. Just where I want to be. None of ye scallywags be noticing me! I be just another nameless face like that young lass over thar and that guy with the scruffy hair and what's his name, the ex-NFL player. Arrg!

AHHHH!! My shoes. I've lost my shoes. I'm just a poor college graduate. I can't afford to buy new shoes. I need my shoes. Forget about the treasure! Someone help me dig out my shoes! AHHHH!

Yup. I be sailing at water level. Pay no mind to me, me hearties.I just want to blend into the crew wearing my new first mate's uniform. Just call me Ensign Irrelevant, matey. Don't be holding no grudges 'gainst me 'cause I got more grub and pieces of eight then ye. I be a poor starving college graduate. I need the treasure more then thee. Arrrg!

avast ye scurvy mateys, I kept me a low profile last night I did. With Long John gone I be the lone pirate what has a pretty face.....The rest of ye shall walk the plank or be set adrift afore I lets ye have more pieces of eight. I likes to speak out of me arse.....arrrrrrggggggKeelhauled by tribe

Yes, you are right, I am in over my head. %$^&^*%Mark Burnett promised my this was going to be the Love Boat. Didn't you see me do my best Julie impression as I tried to lead everyone in a rousing chorus of Kumbaya (with drum accompaniment no less!)

I lvoe a big deck as much as any other wench, but unless it can get me the treasure, there won't be much rummaging around yer parts me friend. Maybe after the show is over and I have claimed me rightful bounty, the two of us can sail off in the sunset alone...

Azmyth has not been ID'd on the show yet Ben. If you want less camera time, that gold needs to mysteriously show up in Ra's camera bag, or the secret compartment in my microphone. Both are big enough to accept many $500 gold pieces. Two will do, for starters.

Well, ok. Upon further reflection, Ra's decided to go easy on you since it's the first leg of the voyage. Two $20 dollar gold pieces will be sufficient this time. (Remember, you are paying to both stay out of camera range, AND to stay away from the microphone.)

But as this voyage continues, you will have to decide what it's really worth to you to stay UTR.

Well there goes the money I was putting aside to buy new shoes. If I don't find any gold this week and I'm set adrift, I hope my $40 buys you lots of happiness. I just want you to know that I'll be marching with the community marching band wearing my mud filled shoes.

Aren't your followers buying enough ceremonial coconut oil? Does extorting a few dollars from an impoverished band geek make you feel like a Major Deity?

Player hatiní Dadeo? Just cause your C list acting career didnít take off, donít be jealous. Maybe if you took acting and voice lessons, you could have become as popular as your hero Russell Crowe. Instead, youíre a host of a summertime reality series, so sad really.

After last nightís premier, this is clearly my ship and my adventure. The rest of you scurvy dogs should just set yourself adrift now. I had more interviews (thank you Mr. Burnett, love ya), my loud booming laugh and voice could be heard in almost every scene, the wench's dig me, and the viewers love me most. And do you know why? Cause I am the only true pirate, for I am Louie!

A man went into the pet shop. "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic society's Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK?" asked the customer. "I want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer. "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."

I be so glad that exotic scientist be set adrift. What a conceited jerk that guy be. Ö so arrr. Fear nay me swabbie beauties, I be hopiní with th' way MBP edits an' all, that thídays be numbered fer all them who hogged th' camera, (Loupert an' th' puker). *crosses fingers*

AAARRRRRRGGGG!!Don't be talkin' 'bout me! I don't want no scallywags knowin' 'bout me! Though I be wearin' an officer's kit, think no more of me then ye do off the seagulls that circle 'round the ship.AAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!

Polly not a race traitor! Polly never think about seagulls! Never think about their thin elegant beaks! Never think about their delicate white and gray feathers, their rounded knee knobs! Never think about their cheerful call, their unbridled passion for white bread crusts! Never!

We're about to go on the second treasure hunt. If they have us draw for colors again and you end up on the losing side? You're guaranteed to not be an officer anymore! I don't know what they're gonna do about the extra person on the boat, are they gonna have uneven teams? Have the captain, me, sit out? Someone draws the sit out marble?

And then, the winning team. Do they decide a new captain who chooses new officers? I'm still captain, but they choose new officers? I dunno.

I dunno. Amazing what you find in the captain's cabin for reading material, isn't there?

I've so far found Rudy B.'s "I dunno" book and Rupert's "How to be America's Sweetheart". I think I saw something about "Snakes and Rats" by a Sue H. and something about "How to pay taxes on winnings" by a Richard H........ Hmm. Maybe they got "How to teach an elephant to climb trees" or something like that by Yul......

Hey Cap'n JD. I didn't see you sitting at your desk when I ran in here. If anyone's looking for me, tell them you haven't seen me. Hiding under your bed may be the only way I can stay under the radar.

Have you found the Pirate Master rule book in that pile of books? Who says someone has to sit out? How do we know it will be just two teams of pirates, why not three teams or even four teams? If you do find the rule book, I bet you 1/2 a $20 gold piece that on the last page it says: "the producer has the right to change or add rules any time he feels like it.()" Yes, I even believe he would add the sticking-out-tongue emote to the end of the rules.

Shhh! I think I hear someone at the cabin door. Remember, you haven't seen me.

Arr I didn't know the captain could read, maybe there were pretty pictures to look at.

If you keep looking in that library you may find Brian H's "Hunting Puppies". Very informative book on how to stalk that elusive predator and it also has a great chapter on how to take a beating from a woman.

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