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‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: What? No table flip?

August 24, 2010 | 6:39
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When it comes to tuning in to my favorite ladies of Franklin Lakes, there are just certain things I expect -- those things include, but are not limited to, the occasional slapping of ham slices across a face, a glimpse of a glabrous cat, Danielle’s inability to pluralize “woman,” and a table flip. So given the abundance of scenes in Monday’s episode that featured a dining table, I was anticipating a few slabs of wood to flip quicker than a drunken Snooki on a dance floor.

But I got none of that.

Instead, I was left wondering when the soundtrack began to take a cue from “Inception” and how, after six seasons of “The Sopranos,” Danielle thought it was “Carmelo.” (It’s Carmela! Carmela!) I blame the blunder on her “ethniticity.”

I was, though, happy to see that Kim G. was simply a memory, downgraded to the season recap at the beginning of the episode. Guess that’s what happens when you describe Danielle’s breast in nonspherical geometric terms. Perhaps the other gals should have done the same if they really wanted Danielle out of their lives. I mean, they’ve mentioned countless times (seriously, I’ve stopped keeping track and I’m pretty sure my eyeballs have reached their rolling quota for the year) how sick they were of talking about Danielle and how they want her out of their lives, yet every time they gather, who do you reckon they talk about? Why, the lady with the (alleged) square boobage, of course. That was no different in Monday’s episode--even if Caroline attempted to put a stop to it.

Fed up with the “lunatic,” Caroline informs the other housewives (and their families) that she’s going to sit down with Danielle and attempt to get her to drop the charges against Ashley. Can someone tell me why so much effort goes into protecting someone who clearly couldn't care less about the whole situation? Also, why does Caroline have her archrival’s number stored on her phone? And yes, it frightens me that I shared a thought with Danielle.

More frightening than that is how Danielle’s daughters are forced to give her guidance on her matters with these women (notice my ability to pluralize). As usual, Jillian offered a sane reaction: “What normal person would want to go?” Oh, Jillian. There’s no reasoning with a matriarch. It doesn’t help matters to have Danny around to help Danielle speculate on Caroline’s role in her issues with Teresa and Jacqueline. "It would have to be their boss, no? I mean, Caroline?.... She's the strongest. She's their boss," Danny says. "The puppeteer is Caroline. She's the ruling party, there's no question about that. They do what she dictates. I believe that." And he came to this conclusion how? It doesn’t matter. He promises to provide Danielle with security. Good thinking. Caroline could have very well been packing some ham in her purse. In fact, that would have actually been a reason to watch because the actual “showdown” was a letdown.

Danielle was escorted into the (empty) restaurant by her bodyguard where a glamazon’d Caroline is waiting. They both agree that they are tired of the nonsense. But things get slightly heated when Caroline asks Danielle to consider dropping the charges against Ashley. It was as if Caroline destroyed the calmness Danielle’s energist worked so hard to achieve. All that scanning for nothing! Danielle asks why Caroline and her family and friends keep attacking her. But when Caroline asks her to give an example, Danielle is speechless and turns the proverbial tables, asking, "What have I ever done to you?" That’s when we learn that multiple people inhabit Caroline. "Jacqueline is me,” she says. "Dina is me. Lexi is me. Ashley is me. When I stand, I don't stand alone. I stand with my family."

Caroline: Yes, you are ... No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, no matter who you talk to, OK, you will not hurt me. ... I have integrity, OK, and I sit here and I tell you the truth, OK? And when I called you garbage, I meant you were garbage."

No truce is reached. And no ham was thrown. Danielle leaves and Caroline meets up with the gals and their families while viewers are treated to the requisite updates on the cast—Danielle’s got the memoir, pop song, and a sex tape; Ashley ended up paying a $189 fine for assault; Albie is still hoping to get into law school; and Teresa maintains that her home is not in foreclosure.

ShowTrackers, what did you think of the finale? Am I the only one who’s never heard of mixing wine with coke? Would you pick up a copy of Albert’s “Fat Italian” should it ever get published? Do you think there’s hope that Danielle can say “women”? Are you glad this season-long repeat is almost over (there's still the reunion!)?