The Misanthropologist: Imagining Christine O’Donnell’s Halloween

This week’s Misanthropologist is all a product of my imagination because 1) I have a gallery prepared for you and 2) look, galleries take a lot of time and energy, and sitting upright is kind of a hassle when there’s all this decaying Halloween candy I found on dashboards of unlocked cars parked outside the Y (they go awesome with dumpster jello shots) (shut up).

So I was thinking I should probably comment on this whole Christine O’Donnell brouhaha, only I have no clue what happened. These are the facts I know:

-Gawker broke a story about it and it was relevant
-This is the most press the state of Delaware has gotten since that joke in Wayne’s World when Wayne and Garth were in front of the green screen and didn’t have anything funny to say about Delaware
-Women be witchin’
-Don’t masturbate ever because it’s bad for Christ (who has ulcers and doesn’t need to be worrying about your goddamn sin)
-Something about a sexy ladybug/bumble bee Halloween costume
-One night stands
-POLITIX

That’s everything I know and I refuse to link to the story, because Googling the events might actually force me to learn about them. But, seeing as how the Misanthropologist is a sex and dating column, I should probably comment on it. So, I am going to completely fabricate the story and offer sex and dating advice based on my imaginings. JOURNALISM.

So:

Christine O’Donnell was a nice girl in Delaware who never masturbated (ever) but because she was so sexually frustrated all the time from never masturbating (ever) her nights were plagued by alarming, violent, grotesque sexual fantasies of pollinating plants made of fun-size Kit-Kats.

Consequently, every year at Halloween, she would dress up as a flower in hopes that someone would see her across a crowded office party, recognize the need in her eyes, know her innermost desires, and whisk her off to the copy room where a minister would be waiting to officiate a quickie ceremony in order that Christine O’Donnell’s pistil could be rammed with his stamin, while being totally legit in the eyes of the Lord.

But it never happened and Christine O’Donnell was starting to develop rashes on her thighs from all the masturbating she would try to do in her sleep (she even had to start duct-taping her fingers so she couldn’t sleep-pleasure herself). So one year, Christine O’Donnell decided to change things up a bit and dressed as a sexy Bumble Bee or Lady Bug (I don’t remember which) for the Office Halloween party. Actually, I’m going to say Bumble Bee because Lady Bugs are already so sexualized that all you need to do is throw on some knee-pads and everyone will know what you’re supposed to be (because Lady Bugs are whores).

So she went to the Halloween Office Party–where she worked as some kind of political witch in the finance department–casting spells over people to not masturbate out of fiscal responsibility/morals. When she arrived, she met eyes with a guy dressed as a Sexy Pro-Lifer and she followed him into the copy room. While they were waiting for the minister, Christine O’Donnell’s sexual urges completely overtook her because, as it turns out, Christina O’Donnell is a huge fan of drinking tea and did not realize that the 1 1/2Long Island Iced Teas given to her by Joe from Accounting were, in fact, alcoholic. So they had sex out of warlock. And now people care because Gawker told us about it.

My advice to Christine O’Donnell is that she should take some college courses and find herself, because it seems like she doesn’t really know what she wants. Also, I think regular masturbation would have totally prevented this whole kerfuffle. Maybe look into NRA-branded vibrators? Switch to coffee?