WHO DOES WHATA man and his wife were having an argument about whoshould brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here andyou should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ......... "HEBREWS"

walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and h as for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told her, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." She responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up . She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

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AND........ they reproduce!

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Remember, even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room!

> FAMILY> > Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. Onenight > the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She > yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"> The> 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She > starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" > The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening > to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get

> that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. > " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see > who's at the door."> > _______________________________________________> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" > > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf onefine > March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the> second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So > am I. Let's have a beer."> > ___________________________________________> > WHAT A CHOICE> > A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing

> home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and> say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.> Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a > moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."> ____________________________________________> OLD FRIENDS> > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, > they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play > cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other > and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a > long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and > thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." > Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared > and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"> > _____________________________________________ > SENIOR DRIVING> > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phonerang. > Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on > Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just> one car. It's hundreds of them!"> ______________________________________________ > DRIVING> > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both couldbarely > see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. > The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." > After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.> > Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seatwas > almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that> she was losing it.! > She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,the > light was red and they went on through. So, she tur ned to the other> woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three > redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"> > Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"> ______________________________________________________> > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report thather > car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her> situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering > wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.> The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on theway."> A few minutes later, the officer radios in.> > "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."> > > TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!!

> FAMILY> > Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house.... > "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" > > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf onefine > March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the> second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So > am I. Let's have a beer."> > ___________________________________________> > WHAT A CHOICE> > A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing....> ____________________________________________> OLD FRIENDS> > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the .....

> _____________________________________________ > SENIOR DRIVING> > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone.....> ______________________________________________ > DRIVING> > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could....._______________> > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that.....

I am writing to you to ask for your help in shedding light on a perplexing situation I find myself contemplating. I have selected you as a group to aid me because you have known me for years, and I value your opinion. Your religious experiences are varied and that is important to the problem I am faced with.

Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly random factors that affect all of our lives, sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason. We have seen some marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow stronger under adverse conditions. We have seen fate play a role in who survives critical illnesses and who succumbs to them. We have all seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low character thrive. In our lifetime, we have seen Churches and Religious institutions all around the world become revised, televised, energized and even scandalized. We are all well aware that a higher power has control of nearly all things.

Personally, I have stood in the doorway of a 7/11 in Atlanta, amid a shootout between the police and a gunman and walked away unscathed. On a golf course, I saw a lightning bolt strike a man dead while those of us nearby where untouched. We all watched as Hurricane Katrina ravaged some areas of the coast and left other nearby homes standing intact. The enormity of these random and seemingly unfair applications of good or bad fortune is at the core of my dilemma.

I have studied sacred writings of all major religions searching for an answer, and now I pose the question to you:

I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind....

Ed.

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location: South central Ohio

I'm very conservative, " I started life with nothing and still have most of it left".

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a good Reisling in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: WOO HOO, what a ride

I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind....

And in that vein, it has been commonly reported that Hillary was not well liked by the Secret Service staff at the White House and sometimes was verbally abusive at them as well as her husband, the President.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were at the first baseball game of the season one year and of course were surrounded by Secret Service agents. As the players were heading onto the field, the senior agent whispered something into the ear of the President. Bill got a big smile on his face, then stood up and threw Hillary over the railing onto the field. He turned back to the agents and high fived them and they patted him on the back. Except for the senior agent who again leaned over to the President and whispered "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first pitch!"

Bill and Hillary went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Bill had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, Bill felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to the 20% pain transfer. Bill was still feeling fine. The doctor checked Bill's blood pressure and was amazed how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. Bill continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Hillary considerably, Bill encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him, and Hillary delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. Hillary and Bill were estatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

« Last Edit: March 18, 2007, 10:51:06 PM by NJT 5573 »

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"Ammo Warrior" Keepers Of The Peace, Creators Of Destruction.Gold is the money of Kings, Silver is the money of Gentlemen, Barter is the money of Peasants, Debt is the money of Slaves.

Well I was victim to the recent pet food recall. I had to make the sad decision to put another pet to rest this morning because of kidney failure that was caused by the food she has eaten for many years. Didn't know about the recall until Sunday but Saturday we took our cat Gertrude in to the vet because she wasn't eating and losing weight fast. She got worse over the weekend while under treatment at the vets so I had to make the dreaded choice once again this morning. She was very healthy for her age but suddenly became really ill (over night) and we all wondered why! We thought it was strange but now we know! The food that she was eating came back on the recall list with the same date, flavor, sku numbers etc. but what good is a recall if it's too late? The damage is done! The vet originally thought that someone like a neighbor may have left out anti freeze and she got into it but the timing is right for the food and besides there isn't much anti freeze left out down here anywhere. He said the AF would react and do the same type damage and just as quick!

Problem is too that there are a LOT of brands (Name Brands) of pet foods that are on the list. In fact, some of the food that I had bought for Bud as a treat is on the list. Thank God I hadn't given him any yet!

Ace, I am sorry about your pet. We have only one cat and we were using the food that was recalled. We switched to another brand last month and our cat was spared but it does make you wonder how to prevent these things from happening altogether. It is my understanding that they still don't know what's wrong.

Sorry to hear about your cat, we have had pets all our married life and its hard to lose a pet when you have no control. We put so much trust in our food and our pets food that we never think it will hurt us or them. Sorry again for your loss.

Pete & Jean Fantasy

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WHAT EVER YOU DO, OR TO WHO YOU DO IT TOO, DO IT WITH A SMILE, IT MAKES IT LEGAL THAT WAY.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you:

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework, and

Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

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Life is all about finding people who are your kind of crazy

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please (Mark Twain)

Peter Sharpe stomped on the gas, flying through the intersection against the red light, narrowly escaping being hit by two oncoming cars. He laughed maniacally and blasted his horn in defiance at the squad car trapped in the melee of confusion resulting from his foolhardy maneuver. What did he care? He had left an ugly trail of similar disasters in his race across town as he sped with single-minded determination toward his destination. Behind him lay a grab-bag of narrow misses, mangled autos, and disorder. Cause and effect? – he sneered in derision – cause and effect was the religion of losers. He had “The Luck.”It wasn’t that Peter didn’t believe in cause and effect, but he believed in “The Luck” even more. Look, he reasoned, let’s say a person slipped on the ice and fell on their bum – cause and effect, right? Sure. But wait, sometimes, many times, a person slips on the ice and doesn’t fall – cause, but no effect – why? Because of luck, my friend, because of luck. Luck flies around like a guardian angel, or prowls about like a ravenous lion, and tips the scales of all interaction according to its wishes. Or maybe it just flops around erratically, like a fish on the boat bottom, and dispenses its influence willy-nilly. Either way, it can override the law of cause and effect and sway the result of any action. Luck, baby. “If I had taken one more step...”“If they had left on time...”“If it hadn’t of been for that passer-by...”Luck, baby, luck. Furthermore, reasoned Peter, there were major and minor deities at work. Good luck, bad luck, beginner’s luck, bum luck, dumb luck, and so on, and so on, but the Grand Lady of them all was “The Luck.”The minor lucks were fleeting occurrences, like spotty rainfall – blip, a drop here, sploink, a drip there, they descend, they influence, they are gone – but The Grand Lady, oh The Grand Lady, she had staying power. She might bless for hours. Days, sometimes. And she could not be denied.Peter had prepared his whole life for an encounter with “The Luck.” He never entered contests, he never took a bet, he drove cautiously and defensively, he married an average woman and had only his allotted 1.3 children, he always finished in the 50% bracket– he did nothing to attract the attention of the minor deities. He stacked the deck. He laid a trap. He created a “luck void”. And he waited.72 years. Then, on June 21, a Saturday afternoon, The Grand Lady, “The Luck” descended upon Peter like sunshine with gossamer wings, and lightly, like the soft gentle breathing of a sleeping kitten, settled upon his shoulders, and with a breath scented with heavenly fragrance and sweet surrender, whispered oh, so faintly in his right ear,“Let’er buck!”Peter sprang into action. He shot out of his Lazy boy and careened through the house like a cat on steroids, snatching up his “Grand Lady Visitation Emergency Packet” as he went. He had practiced in the dark, he had practiced in the rain, he had practiced in the snow and the heat and the wind, and today it paid off. His best time to date had been 13.5; today he made it to his car in twelve seconds flat. He turned the key, hit the gas and was rocketing down the road before his Lazy boy knew he was gone.Peter raced toward the Casino looking neither to the left nor the right, unconcerned with the traffic or the lights. He knew he was graced with “The Luck” and nothing could hinder him. He was in a bubble. He was protected. He had “The Luck.” He was breathing luck, he was oozing luck from his pores, it was shooting out of his eyes, it was coursing through his veins, and when he got to the Casino it would make him filthy rich.Filthy rich.It was Peter’s lucky day.When Peter got to the Casino there was an empty parking spot right up front. Of course.As Peter ran into the Casino he found a hundred dollar bill lying on the rug in the lobby. Of course. He didn’t even pick it up.Just as Peter approached the roulette table someone vacated a spot. Need I say it? Of course.Peter sat down at the table and opened his “Grand Lady Emergency Visitation Packet” and emptied its contents into his open palm. A five dollar bill. People snickered as he bought his chip and placed his bet. Thirty-seven and two thirds minutes later Peter was filthy rich. People stood with their mouths open. Spangled-up ladies fought to stand by his side. There was a little charred spot under the ball on the roulette wheel and the ball was still smoking.Peter was elated. He had waited so long, planned so carefully, stood faithful and true and now he was vindicated. He began to laugh. Lightly, quietly at first, then louder and louder with gusto and abandon. Tears streamed down his cheeks, his shoulders shook and his legs grew weak. Soon everyone about joined in. They laughed till they cried. They whooped, they shouted, they pounded each others backs and slapped their knees. They pointed at the smoking ball and then at Peter then choked and gasped for breath and howled some more. Peter sat upon the table and held his aching sides.Oh, “The Luck”, “The Luck”! He was rich!Then suddenly he clutched his chest. Heart attack!He peered over the heads of the crowd through the smoke and the haze and the glare of the house lights and saw an apparition approaching, dark and foreboding. As the icy fingers of pain squeezed and clawed at his heart, Peter watched “The Luck” rise and depart from his shoulder.Seems even The Grand Lady must step aside when “Your Time” comes.

A place to accumulate the various off topic subjects that some love and some hate. Maybe we can keep them all together in one place.

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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a good Reisling in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: WOO HOO, what a ride

If you don't want to read something don't! It's that simple! Most everyone will read everything no matter where it's at, YOU included, so WHY mix it all together?

If you read what the heading says, and I quote,

"All Topics ( click here for quick start! )Feel free to talk about anything and everything in this board,"

then we should be able to post WHAT we want. Just because it doesn't fit into what YOU want to read, you want to put it where it's mixed in with the daily jokes and other non essential BS? That in itself IS a joke!

If your going to do what has been done then change the heading immediately to read

I totally agree with you Ace. This will make it hard to keep up with a thread about any OT subject. Any topic I don't feel interests me, I simply use common sense and don't read. I think most of the people on this board are smart enough to avoid any topic they don't want to read. If they don't like OT subjects, then simply ignore them. Cat

PS: I am so very sorry about Gertrude. You guys will continue to be in our thoughts.

Consider the posts that are all mixed in this thread so far. Jokes, philosophy, expression of loss and the responding condolences. All mixed together. IMHO, "off topic" is a category, not a thread. It has been discussed and dismissed before, but I repeat, if off topic discussions are so aggravating as to necessitate action, then why not just create a new forum section. I am not familiar with the administration of Simple Machines forum software, but on most board softwares, it is extremely simple to create a new section.

I really feel for Ace, first in his loss and then when he shares it with his friends here, it got stuck in with jokes.

I agree with Cat and Ace, Putting all the OT threads in one threads make it a HodgePodge of unrelated subjects. It also increases the number of "sticky" threads on the manin board. The way it was, if a thread didnot interest you, you did not have to read it, but at least you knew the subject without going to a separate thread just to see what new threads had been added. Jack

Yep. You are all right. It was a bad idea. Since Nick had done that for mechanical parts, it seemed like maybe it would work for the OT items. In defense I have to say that it nobody ever tried anything new, we would still be using the old board. Richard

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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a good Reisling in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: WOO HOO, what a ride

Since Nick had done that for mechanical parts, it seemed like maybe it would work for the OT items.

Actually, I'm not real fond of the concept of the other combined thread either. I feel like the only time combining threads really works is when there are two parallel threads discussing the exact same topic. (The only reason I started the separate thread for the poll was that I don't think there is a way to add a poll to an existing thread.) I just think it gets confusing when there are multiple conversations taking place together in one space.

In any case, whatever works for the group is fine by me. Just try not to confuse me, life does enough of that already!