Monday, May 30, 2011

Chances are if you're reading this blog, you're eyes just widened and you screamed out the word "WHAAATTTT!!?!?!" in the highest, scratchiest pitch you possibly could. I know I did.

A place I never frequent is McDonald's. Over the years the stale menu and the same tired old man weak dick french fries just stopped doing anything for me. But one thing the McDonald's standard never fails at is their shakes. I went in to snag one of these on a hot summer day, turned, saw this ad staring me in the face and instantly changed my order to this stunning bride to be before you. Not that I can even remember the last time I even got near a Rolo, but the promise of sweet caramel chocolate and white vanilla "ice cream" consummating their marriage in my mouth was too much for me to handle.

Is it me or did McFlurries diminish in size?

joey again7:42 pmi didnt even know they made rolos anyomore

me7:42 pmME EITHER!!

i kind of see an old mans bearded face within the glistening chocolate

Now the first bite into this candy and ice cream conglomerate was probably the equivalent to a junky's first bump of heroin, cause after the first explosion of caramel, chocolate, and vanilla goodness, you're left forever chasing that dragon deep until that McFlurry is gone, and you're sick to your stomach. As to be expected with a McFlurry the candy to ice cream ratio is never quite balanced correctly, so I'd have a few delicious tasting bites, then some bland generic white vanilla ice cream flavor, and then blasted again, of what seems to be an even stronger, hyper Rolo, thus overpowering the enjoyment of it as a whole.
So if you're like me and get worked by this, eat half, and like a good American, throw the rest in the trash, piss in a cup and throw it at the drive thru window knowing that you've had the best thing McDonald's has had to offer in it's many years on this planet.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

One morning recently when I stopped to grab an iced coffee I saw an ad for this...

The Dunkin' Donuts Blueberry Waffle Breakfast Sandwich. Immediately my interest is peaked. A breakfast sandwich with waffles for bread eh? I'm listening. You say they aren't just plain waffles? They are blueberry? Whats that? The sausage isn't just regular sausage? It's maple flavored? How can this be bad?
But I didn't get one that day. Why? This is why...

The Dunkin' Donuts BIG N' TOASTY. This monstrosity was their sandwich of the month a while back. Everything about it LOOKS like it would be a fine way to start your day, but my friend, your eyes deceive you. Everyone I have talked to that had it, said the same thing. It was a butter sandwich. It might as well have been this...

It tasted like there were two sticks of butter melted down in each sandwich. Horrible. Even for fat guys, who love buttery bread. This was too much. I'm feeling a gag coming on just thinking of it. I would rather eat a handful of maggots off of a week old roadkill then eat another Big N' Toasty. Mull that one over in your brain.

So you can understand why I didn't take the bait right away. But the next time I stopped, I did. Here's what it really looked like...

It's a smooshed up greasy sandwich wrapped up in paper. It only had to travel about three minutes before I tore into it, so you can't blame how ugly it is on a long ride in the bag. It just isn't going to look as pretty as in the promo shot. You have to expect that. So how was it?

It's pretty good. It's greasy as hell from the sausage. But the sweetness of the blueberry waffles and the maple in the sausage contrast nicely with the cheese and egg. It's not anything world changing, but it's worth trying the next time you fly through the D&D drive up window.

The blueberry taste stands out nicely. It's a strong, sweet flavor, rather than an aftertaste that you can't quite put your finger on. The egg is kind of a tasteless mass, but it does it's job being that familiar egg texture that you just NEED to have in a breakfast sandwich.

All in all I'd say this is a great improvement over the Big N' Toasty. Although I think a rock hard bagel that fell on the floor and was fished out from under the counter with a dirty mop would have been an improvement over that. But it's actually tasty. Pick one of instead of a flat bread sandwich, because let's face it. We're fooling ourselves. Those aren't really that good at all.

I'll be a lunatic for a second and compare this ice cream to Jimmy Fallon's career. I bit into this ice cream and enjoyed the odd but awesome combination of super strong vanilla and salty caramel (which I didn't know existed), and Jimmy takes over SNL. The ice cream is a star.

Then I started to be weirded out about the chocolate covered potato chips, which are best described as salty Kix covered in chocolate. Did I like them? Did I not? And Jimmy starts looking at the camera in all his skits.

Then I hit a soggy one, and Jimmy does a movie with Queen Latifah.

I started to get over the original high of the ice cream and wondered, "is this as good as I originally thought? Or is it just a gimmick that can't back itself up?"while America wondered the same about Jimmy.

Then Jimmy found late night. And, much like him finding his calling (you may disagree with me, but I think he puts on a fine late night show which rivals most), I found the true heart of this ice cream- the incredibly strong vanilla bean flavor mixed with salty caramel. The chips are neat, yes- but towards the end of this ice cream, I found them to be somewhat of a distraction from the fantastically strong flavors battling each other for my taste buds.

Overall, a very solid contribution to Ben and Jerry's arsenal, and a perfect example of the good that comes from mixing salty and sweet.

Next, Bonnaroo Buzz:

This one is coffee and malt ice cream with whiskey caramel swirls and english toffee pieces.

1 bite into this, and I figured out why they call it Bonnaroo Buzz- not because there's a buzz around Bonnaroo, but because its alcohol ice cream. The whiskey caramel has a very strong whiskey flavor that punched me in the face and gave me a very odd feeling, as I've never had alcohol in ice cream before.

Once I got over that, it both fought the other flavors and worked with them. The malt ice cream seemed to only be there as a change in texture and color, as it mostly tasted like coffee ice cream to me. The true heart of this ice cream is in the english toffee pieces, which are AMAZING. They're like heath bar crunch, but much softer and with a slightly different flavor that blew my mind. Dear english toffee, maybe I'm just drunk from the whiskey, but can you please be in everything?

Overall, this is a very odd flavor of ice cream which definitely has a rich and fancy feel to it. Worth trying, but I probably won't get it again.

And lastly, Milk & Cookies:

(please excuse the blurry photos, I had this on the road and my fancy iphone is now like 4 years old)

Unlike my pictures, this ice cream RULES.

Its very creamy, very vanilla-ey, kind of milky ice cream mixed with a billion cookies. It has chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chocolate chip cookies, and a COOKIE SWIRL. Ben and Jerry are insane.

The cookie swirl remained crisp, while the other cookies became gooey-mush heaven. This is basically really good cookies and cream ice cream, just made with gooey Soft Batch-esque cookies instead of the standard crunchy Oreo. And there is cookie goodness everywhere. Just buy it, you'll love it. And then you can take pictures that are better than mine.

Monday, May 9, 2011

In Portsmouth, NH in the former location of Mojo's BBQ Shack is a place where you can get some wild burgers. That place is called Lexie's Joint. I was told about them randomly and as quick as possible, I made my way down there to try one of their signature burgers.

They have different specials everyday and they post them on facebook bright and early. So next time you sign in, "LIKE" them, and then you'll be in the know. http://www.facebook.com/LexiesJoint . As I often do, I decided to try what looked like the biggest and baddest burger they had, the Stairway to Heaven Burger. There were a few others that caught my eye, but if you're reviewing a place for FATGUYFOODBLOG, you go big, or go home. So I ordered the burger and instead of regular fries, I got the herbed Parmesan French Fries to go with it.

Whats on it? Well it's a 4oz. burger served on a toasted potato roll, with Cheddar Cheese, BBQ sauce, carmelized onions and braised short ribs. The first thing I noticed is how they cut their buns. It opens like a clam shell. This sort of blew my mind. Usually when you eat a burger with tons of toppings on it, chunks, and sauce fall out of the back when you take a bite. Not at Lexie's. This unorthodox way of cutting the bun has set a new standard. NOTHING FALLS OUT. Everything else about the burger was great. The potato roll was soft and chewy. The BBQ sweet and tangy, the braised short ribs were tender and lean. The burger itself, quite fresh and definitely not a frozen patty.

The only complaint I would have is that compared to many of the burger joints I've been to, this burger was kind of small. 4oz of meat is not that much. However. They do offer a deal where you can double your burgers for an additional $4. Which is well worth it.

The fries were thin cut, and tasty, but very crunchy. Almost like a basket of thick potato sticks. This isn't a bad thing. They are flavored to perfection and I ate every single one.

They have an eating challenge once a week there called the "Quatro" which the lady working told me was because the guy who came up with it only has four fingers. It looks to have four patties, lots of cheese and bacon. I hope to one day take on that monster, Like Gandalf versus the Balrog, but if they only have it on Tuesday, I can't see that happening any time soon.

Overall I would definitely recommend this place if you're looking for a good burger. Unless you are a skinny wimp or a lady who is trying to keep her figure, do yourself a favor and get two of them. Take them up on the deal. Check out their site! I was told they have a new site coming soon so keep on the lookout for it!http://www.lexiesjoint.com/

Monday, May 2, 2011

Sometimes you just want a shake. It happens to us all. You're sitting in front of the tv late at night and you think to yourself, "Damn...I could really go for a chocolate shake right now!" But it's late. Maybe you don't have all the components. Ice cream. Milk. A blender. Or maybe you do, but you're just too damn lazy to do all that scooping and blending.

I hear you. I really do. So did Edy's. Thats why they made this:

The cup promises a Rich & Creamy, SLOW CHURNED Ice Cream Shake! But does it deliver?

Kinda. Let's take a look inside...

As you can see, once you peel back the foil cover, it basically looks like someone melted ice cream into a cup and then tossed it back in the freezer and let it freeze all over again. Can you just jam a straw or spoon into it and go to town? Nope.

You have to add milk. This does take away from it slightly. What if you used the last of your milk in a bowl of Cap'n Crunch's OOPS ALL BERRIES this morning? You are out of luck pal. Put this back in the freezer and cry yourself to sleep. But if you do have milk, you just pour a bit into the cup. Then you stir. For longer than you want.

This is what you're left with. It looks kind of gross, right? Well it tastes okay. It will satisfy your craving for a shake at 2am while you're watching episodes of Adventure Time, but any other time I'd suggest being a bit less lazy, and fire up the blender. Or drive somewhere and get a real shake. Because while cold and chocolatey, it tastes pretty generic and you probably won't buy one the next time you go go shopping.