Why Don’t My Pants Fit?

Well kids, I’ve been avoiding you. The past couple weeks have not been good. I understand if you never want to read this blog again but I’d like to think you still find me amusing.

Let’s start with the most productive thing I’ve done in two weeks: I ran the Cinco De Mayo half marathon. This was not an easy feat as the first 9 miles of the course was uphill which made me tempted to flip over a water table and punch a volunteer in the face. I didn’t. Instead I bitched to myself and powered through. I finished with a time of 2:03 which is not great but whatever. I’ll get ‘em next time.

I signed up for our company softball team and managed to not hit the ball once, not even with my bat. In slow pitch softball. I struck out 3 times in SLOW pitch softball. Clearly any athletic prowess I have does not translate over.

I managed to do something this past week that I haven’t done since spring break ‘08: Drink 5 out of 7 days.

Highlights included:

Going on a strip club tour of Portland and getting yelled at for not tipping one of the dancers because frankly, she scared me (think piercings).

Later getting a beer bought for me by another stripper because I had “Nice tits”.

My friend faking a hamstring injury at our soccer game Saturday morning so we could ditch out early for Bloody Mary’s.

Passing out around noon and waking up to a box of Domino’s pizza that I sat and ate in the hallway like a Mongrel. God bless whoever put it there.

Proud of me, mom? I sent a text to my brother asking him what it says about me that I got drunk 5/7 days this week and his response was “It tells me you’re dead inside.” Love you, bro.

Look, I’m not proud of myself but I live in Portland and when it’s above 65 degrees out I get a weather boner and want to sit outside and have cocktails rather than hit the gym. I can’t say it wasn’t fun, but it definitely comes with a price. I finally faced my mortal enemy this morning, the scale. That bitch was not friendly either. Days like these I kind of regret having all of you as an audience, constantly judging me. 172 pounds. New low. STOP JUDGING!

On a serious note, an old high school friend sent me a lovely message about my blog that I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing:

“Not sure if I have the “balls” to start a blog. I think that is why I admire you so much…because you DO have the confidence to lay it all out there. I’m serious about the book. Girls out there need to know it’s okay to eat, perhaps fall off the proverbial “wagon” and still be able to get back on track. No one is perfect…and in this day age, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Bless your freakin’ heart! :)”

That, along with all the people telling me to write a book keeps me writing this garbage, so thank you!

Also, the site is currently being worked on so ignore the wood background. Or don’t and be a snobby jerk.