Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Where to Begin Again....

Not posting for such a long time has been interesting.

One minute I would be laughing about something and saying, "You know, I oughta post about this!" The next, I'd be grateful that I didn't feel as though I HAD to post about that; to just be able to relish the moment, and move on without recording it.

But I miss writing.

A lot.

***

So much has happened in my life since September 25th. There's probably no way I could go back and remember all the highlights of the past 4 months in a way that would make you feel a part of them. I'd be surprised if I could even recall the events themselves, never mind the details. But for your sakes (and mine, when it comes to archiving), I'm going to try. So here's a short list:

-We went to Campmeeting in September-Chris was laid off in November-Gabe turned 1 in December-Chris started college full-time at the beginning of January-My cousin AND my sister-in-law were married this past weekend

I've been very faithful to read other people's blogs, in case you were wondering. No, I haven't always been much of a commenter, but many of you got a little note from me here and there. There's something pretty incredible about blogging and the blogger community in general. As long as it's kept in it's place, blogging can be a wonderful outlet and source of information (useful AND useless). I never intended to not be a part of that, but for awhile, I just needed to be an innocent bystander. Just a reader.

And thank God for the readers.

Because so many of you have been a source of comfort and happiness and intrigue to me over the past 2+ years. Your simple words of love or laughter are worth checking my email for. Every time. Thanks for being patient with me.

***

Time heals all wounds, you know.

And just like a doctor takes stitches to close a gash on your arm, I took some stitches and sealed up my heart. This was no superficial cut. No scrape, scratch, small bruise. It was a whopper of a boo-boo, if you will. And I just knew that leaving it open would expose me to too much infection, and too much input, and too much pain in the end. Closing up was a must.

You'll forgive me if I seemed to overreact, won't you? You'll have to put yourself in my shoes, I guess.

Because now I can talk about it. It doesn't bother me like it did before, and for that I'm thankful. But time has had a lot to do with it as well. Life has moved on. That wound is not raw anymore. The stitches are long gone, and the scab is gone as well.

Now, there's just a faint scar that remains....

***

September, Asher had another seizure.

He had not been sick, he had not had a fever. He was playing, and he fell and had a grand mal seizure. My world about stopped.

And I think I hid it well. It was MY nightmare--mine and Chris'. And I just needed to close up. No one else needed the burden, in my mind.

See, it was MORE than just a seizure. Not only was it a seizure without a fever (which, is more problematic, of course), but Chief thought it could potentially be genetic considering Michaela's medical history. And out of all the tests (genetic and otherwise) that she has had done over the years, this particular disease he had in mind she had never been tested for. Essentially, the disease starts as a fever seizure and then about 6 weeks later, the child would have another seizure that was not fever-related. After that, the seizures would come more often and the child would essentially lose their ability to do X, Y and Z.

You know, like Michaela has.

So, we decided to have her tested after Asher had his initial fever seizure. To see if their seizures were genetically linked. I was fairly confident that this disease was not what Asher had. I mean, tons of kids have fever seizures. It really wasn't a big deal. However, seeing as how Michaela has such a bad seizure history, I thought Chief's idea of running the test would be a good idea. You know, just to rule it out. So we ran the test and had to wait 6 weeks.

Sometime during that waiting period, Ash had the second seizure. The one NOT fever related.

6 weeks to the day he had the fever seizure.

Like I said, my world stopped.

***

God says, "I won't give you more than you can handle." and "My grace is sufficient for you." And I believe those words. But there have been plenty of times when I would tell God, "You have a much higher opinion of me than you ought to! I really can't handle THIS much!"

The repercussions of that seizure just never seemed to end in the week after it happened. See, when Michaela was little, we never knew what we were up against. We always had hope that she would get better. That the seizures would get under control in time, and then she'd flourish again, back to her very intelligent, very capable little self. By the time the bomb of her diagnosis hit, we were already in the trenches with a full battle plan. We grew into her regression. We were clueless until her disease is what our lives had already become.

But that luxury would not be there with Asher. If he had that dreadful disease (and by this time, I was pretty convinced even without the results being in), then I knew the road ahead of me. I started mourning that day. All the little smiles and boyish things he did, all the words he would say, and all the years we would see those things melt away. I contemplated them all. I watched him endlessly it seemed, just trying to soak it all in and remember how he "was."

And I worried about Gabe. Seeing as how this seizure monster would be genetic, then there was the potential for Gabe to be affected too (I wasn't worried about the other children, as they were past the age range for it to show up). It was just too much. I tried to put that thought out of my mind for the time being, but the notion just became another facet in a huge realm of awful possibilities.

So, in light of all this, I did the only thing I could think to do:

I stitched up my bleeding heart with positive thinking, prayed that God would steel my mind for the future, and tried to march on like nothing was wrong.

But I couldn't blog. I just couldn't.

***

Six weeks after Michaela's blood work was sent off, it came back.

Negative.

***

It is Chief's thought that Asher's seizure was nothing more than an isolated incident. Fever seizures, like the first one, and regular seizures, like the second, are diagnosed in different categories. They are not considered related. And each category allows for a person to experience ONE seizure of that type without being officially diagnosed or treated. It's like getting a freebie, if you will.

And as Chief said: "He's had his freebie."

And he hasn't had another one since then.

***

Life is back to normal now in so many ways. I'm just being a mom, and taking care of the house, and we're homeschooling, and just doing life. All the children are doing well--nothing to complain about, and Chris is well too.

As for my heart, you can't really tell that I went through this 4 months ago. I laugh as much as I used to, and I don't stay awake at night.

But if you look close....really close.....you'll see a faint line where that gash was. And if you're quick enough, you may see my startled reaction every time Asher falls down randomly or makes a strange snorting sound. You may even hear my heart skip a beat.

Kelly, Glad you are back. I have missed you so much. Your post still makes me cry. I am so thankful that Asher is doing good. I am thankful for the grace that God gave you through this time. You are one amazing lady.You are a great strength to me. I love you.Denna

I can't relate exactly to what you went through. I do feel God is trusting you with a lot to show His strength through. I'm glad we've been praying faithfully for you.

I can relate to this aspect of it. When tough things came against me in life--really tough-- I kept them to myself as well. I spent much of my life in a state that I described to myself as "braced for life"-- not being sure what was going to hit me next. I'm glad that part of my life is behind me. Now it's just "normal" battles of life to deal with.

So glad you are back Kelly! I have really missed reading your encouraging words. You are such a strong mother and I'm glad you took time to yourself to heal. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with Asher. I pray that he continues to do well and never has another! Thanks for stopping by Camis site and leaving comments. I've been extremly stressed out and its nice to know that I'm not alone! Welcome back ((((Big Hugs)))

Kelly - so glad you are back with us. Have missed your blogging - your an encouragement & an inspiration to us all out here. Sorry you had to go through the battle but so glad you had our Heavenly Father watching over the situation & caring for you all.

I used to read your blog regually and when you suddenly stopped writing just shortly after you said about Asher having the siezure I was so worried. You have been in my thoughts and I'm so glad that he's doing well. Remember you are absolubtly correct God will never throw you anything you cant handle. He will have sent you this for a reason, and long term it will only make you a stronger person.

Where have I been?? You posted almost a week ago and I JUST find it now??

What a long journey you have been on these past four months. I wish I could have been there to help you. The whole genetics thing/ more than one kid thing freaked me out with A & C (and the baby I lost). It took me a while to get over it and separate the kids in my mind. Although I am not 100% convinced that the kids and their issues aren't connected, I have made an effort to not dwell on the what ifs and the maybes. If science couldn't find a link between them I was going to let it go. And I have tried...HARD. WE have not been back to the geneticist in over a year. Connor and Austin are making progress, each in their own ways. I'll take whatever I can get and be thankful for it. As I am thankful that Asher appears to be doing well also.

Hugs to you, welcome back and I can't wait to hear more about your wonderful kids. Can we get some updated pictures!?!

Kelly - so happy to "hear" from you. I understand retreating and needing time to heal. When life throws you curve balls you need to sit back and just take a breather. I can't say that I have been there but being a mom I can feel the breathe that I held and didn't exhale the whole time I read your post. Kelly I agree with the others God must think you are one strong lady and maybe like Abraham he was testing you. Looks like yo passed the test. I am happy to be able to check back and get a glimpse of the Morris Family. You new picture is adorable - the kids are getting so big and your family is beautiful!Congrats to life returning to normal. :-)

Kelly, I am so sorry that you have went through all of this. To keep all of it bottled up inside, wow, I can only imagine how you were hurting inside, to think that your sweet, precious, little boy might not be the same in years to come. As mothers, we have such hope for their futures. You really are one strong lady,(with God's help) I'm sure you don't feel that way about yourself sometimes, but you are a blessing and encouragement to all of us. You do so well with Michalea. She really is a smart little girl. I found that out taking time with her at Bible School. She is SMART! Takes after her momma. (: Hugs!!!

Yours Truly.....

I am a 34 year old wife and mom of 6. This journal was started to chronicle our adventures with our daughter and the treatment of her rare epilepsy. However, while it was written, it became a journal of our everyday lives as well. Hope you laugh, cry, and think as you read....I sure did :)