Thursday, March 21, 2013

My Cover Letter for Joining a Street Gang

I want to Represent!!!

Dear O.G. or Current Gang Leader,I would like to join your gang! I know most folks become infatuated with your organization in high school, but the way I see it age is just a number. I agree some numbers mean everything, such as your click's area code or caliber choice, but age versus dedication are separate worlds. My 30+ years on this planet have taught me one thing, and one thing alone, now is the time for me to gang-bang.﻿﻿﻿﻿
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Art by Matthew Palladino

With that said, I'd like to let you know I'm indeed true to the street. I've got no time for chicken-heads and no person disrespects me. Real talk. Case in point, I fed a seagull a kernel of dog turd cause the dirty bird pooped on my arm. As he hovered over me wanting a handout, I got my revenge. I wasn't going to merely front game. I demanded retribution. So, I threw that doggy deuce up in the air like I didn't care. Revenge is a dish best served cold and if the entrée is fecal it really teaches a lesson. Nobody poops on me and gets away with it. It's very easy to use poop as a weapon when you always carry Wet-Ones. ﻿﻿
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This is my brother's dog.

Despite my ability to abuse wild birds, I will have an issue with any sort of dogfighting. All I can say is I'm a complicated individual. While the event is commencing, I'd be more than happy to go pick up the cold-cut platter at the deli for the after party. Don't get me wrong, I do think dogs are dope. I'm currently teaching my brother's dog the "f word." I know cussing is very gangster and there's no need to censor myself, but I'd prefer this cover letter remain professional so I'm taken seriously as a candidate. ﻿﻿﻿﻿I was also thinking, instead of jumping me in we could have a cook-out. Then the worst thing that could happen is messy hands, but like I said before, I'll have plenty of Wet-Ones on hand. This way everyone gets to have fun and y'all get to see me at my best. I'm quite the grill-master and I'll pay for half the rental fee on a bounce house. We'll all be jumping in something that night. We'll laugh until we cry, there will be no need for teardrop face tats that night. :]

REAL TALK.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. The last thing I'd want to do is get it twisted. Simply put, I really want to join your gang. I want to belong. I want to learn all the hand signs. I want to do shadow figures on graffiti laden walls. I want to represent. I want to keep it real.

﻿﻿﻿﻿As you can see I don't have a résumé to show because that would be bragging. I know someone ,such as yourself, has achieved nothing. The years you've spent climbing up through the ranks of the fools before you, only to become a leader of fools, doesn't impress anyone in the real world. But guess what, it tickles my pickle and I think your hella tight. I also couldn't get anyone to write a reference letter that stated I was incompetent. Don't worry, I can unlearn common decency and my honky work ethic.
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I can relate to life on the street. I watch Maury.

Which leads me to my next point, my ethnicity. I realize the general consensus is to kill a cracker, but just give me a chance. Sure my skin is white, but I already own ill-fitting and over-sized garments in all the popular street gang colors. I can join any click, at a moment's notice.

Would you like to "keep it real" with me?,

Mat "Left Eye" McD
﻿﻿P.S. - I went ahead and gave myself a nickname. I'm a big TLC fan, can't you tell? Hit me up on my cell. We can talk about it. Then we can plan an ill conceived drive-by that hurts innocent people while we cowardly speed away! I enjoy murking.
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