(11-01-2016 12:58 PM)Nurse Wrote: If I were to get married again, I would want an engagement ring. The man cared enough to go pick one out for me that he thought would look beautiful and that I would like, and when I look at it I would think of that moment when he said something to the effect of "Lets grow old together. I want you. For all the days of the rest of our lives." A man unwilling to buy me a ring would not be a match for me. Unwilling to compromise on something that I value highly as a symbol, as a promise, is a deal breaker. Sometimes you do things for your partner because it is important for them. What else would he be unwilling to compromise on? Would I have to spend my life with a frugal partner that would never buy me anything pretty, accuse me of being a gold digger, with me always having to defend myself? After 8 1/2 years of marriage, my ex bought me only two necklaces, one for when my son was born, and one for a Mother's Day. None in an "I love you" romantic gesture kind of way since we said our vows.

I dress up and wear makeup because I find it aesthetically pleasing, both for me, and for my partner. Same thing with jewelry - it's pretty. It wouldn't have to be a diamond engagement ring, in fact I told my ex husband I would love a sapphire or an emerald surrounded by tiny diamonds, I just didn't want a solitaire. I like frilly accents. Creative pieces. Always have. He bought me a solitaire because it's what he liked. He's not the one who wore it every day. One of my coworkers has a black diamond - I looooove her ring. And it matches her saucy personality.

That's totally cool. As long as you find somebody who is compatible with those values. Which probably won't be hard.

(11-01-2016 12:58 PM)Nurse Wrote: If I were to get married again, I would want an engagement ring. The man cared enough to go pick one out for me that he thought would look beautiful and that I would like, and when I look at it I would think of that moment when he said something to the effect of "Lets grow old together. I want you. For all the days of the rest of our lives." A man unwilling to buy me a ring would not be a match for me. Unwilling to compromise on something that I value highly as a symbol, as a promise, is a deal breaker. Sometimes you do things for your partner because it is important for them. What else would he be unwilling to compromise on? Would I have to spend my life with a frugal partner that would never buy me anything pretty, accuse me of being a gold digger, with me always having to defend myself? After 8 1/2 years of marriage, my ex bought me only two necklaces, one for when my son was born, and one for a Mother's Day. None in an "I love you" romantic gesture kind of way since we said our vows.

I dress up and wear makeup because I find it aesthetically pleasing, both for me, and for my partner. Same thing with jewelry - it's pretty. It wouldn't have to be a diamond engagement ring, in fact I told my ex husband I would love a sapphire or an emerald surrounded by tiny diamonds, I just didn't want a solitaire. I like frilly accents. Creative pieces. Always have. He bought me a solitaire because it's what he liked. He's not the one who wore it every day. One of my coworkers has a black diamond - I looooove her ring. And it matches her saucy personality.

I think you make some great points.

It's hard to tell, I think, in the first few years whether someone is frugal, or is really uncomfortable with notions of ownership and traditional gestures, or has other couple-related plans for the money, or is cheap.

I also agree it's nice to get jewelry as a gift, but not at all nice when the giver has been told that the gift is not your style.

(11-01-2016 01:48 PM)julep Wrote: I also agree it's nice to get jewelry as a gift, but not at all nice when the giver has been told that the gift is not your style.

Could you clarify that? Sorry for some reason the meaning isn't clear to me.

It would be like me saying, "I *love* Honda Civics. I'm cool with Chevys and Pontiacs. Some of the Mazdas are really cute. I just don't care for the Toyota Corolla. I like red and black and silver, hell even navy. But gold, not really my thing." And then you go and buy me a gold Corolla because you do like them. If you're going to drop ohhhh I dunno, $20000 on a car and there are multiple $20000 options available, don't buy me the one vehicle I tell you I don't like when you're not going to be the one driving it. Now I have to be thankful for a car I loathe and fake being happy with it so i don't sound like a spoiled brat. And you just spent $20000 on something I'm unhappy with because you chose not to take my preferences into account. So I'm pissed off you didn't listen - you had the opportunity to get me something I like and didn't.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman

(11-01-2016 01:54 PM)Adrianime Wrote: Could you clarify that? Sorry for some reason the meaning isn't clear to me.

It would be like me saying, "I *love* Honda Civics. I'm cool with Chevys and Pontiacs. Some of the Mazdas are really cute. I just don't care for the Toyota Corolla. I like red and black and silver, hell even navy. But gold, not really my thing." And then you go and buy me a gold Corolla because you do like them. If you're going to drop ohhhh I dunno, $20000 on a car and there are multiple $20000 options available, don't buy me the one vehicle I tell you I don't like when you're not going to be the one driving it. Now I have to be thankful for a car I loathe and fake being happy with it so i don't sound like a spoiled brat. And you just spent $20000 on something I'm unhappy with because you chose not to take my preferences into account. So I'm pissed off you didn't listen - you had the opportunity to get me something I like and didn't.

Ohh, I see.

It wasn't the concept that I couldn't understand, just the wording had me confused. If your interpretation is correct, then yeah, I agree. There is no good reason to get somebody a gift that they have expressed that they wouldn't like.

I don't do jewelry, except for a cheap watch and occasionally earrings. I'd feel ridiculous wearing a flashy diamond, and would not consider it an attractive quality in a man if he blew a couple of paychecks on a ring when he couldn't really afford it. If he could afford to blow several thousand dollars, I'd much rather he say "hey, want to get married?" then go buy us a nice new flat screen TV. Or plan a nice vacation.

The ring, and piece of paper that declares my wife and I have a valid marriage, mean almost nothing to me. Our relationship is important to us.
Beyond the scam of the engagement ring that was created by December Beers, it seems it's just status now. If all your friends create a special moment to get one one knee and present their love with a large diamond ring you might feel you have to.
Can you imagine a group of ladie friends talking about their wonderful purposes and how the ring was presented and your wife's story is "I didn't get a ring or even a real proposal. We had a logical discussion about marriage and came to the conclusion it's for us." Nothing wrong with that way. That's what we did.
It's all about making the memory and keeping up with the Jones.