From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 19 09:57:36 2001
Received: (from daemon@localhost)
by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id JAA19977;
Mon, 19 Mar 2001 09:25:52 -0500 (EST)
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 09:25:52 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
Message-Id: <200103191425.JAA19977@moose.cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu
Subject: Internet Oracularities #1210
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A
PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB
kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT
X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces.
=== 1210 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1210
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 09:25:52 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1210
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1205 65 votes 49tk3 7alm5 ejhc3 2ckm9 dpj71 dkj76 3clo5 9jm87 4asj4 3bmja
1205 3.0 mean 3.1 3.1 2.6 3.4 2.4 2.6 3.2 2.8 3.1 3.3
--- 1210-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Most Tactful,
>
> Where is the best place to bury this chest?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Under three thick jumpers (sweaters) and a tight girdle.
}
} But honestly, it's a lovely chest. Full, rounded, and
} well-proportioned. Don't hide it - be proud of it. I would be if it
} were Lisa's. Or even mine. I'd show it off, uncovered, out for all
} to see.
}
} You owe the Oracle all the other treasure-boxes you're hiding in that
} clothing drawer. And a better view of that chest. that's better -
} turn around so we can see it. Such lovely wood. Such beautiful brass
} bindings. It's really far to pretty to go into the bottom of your
} closet under all those old clothes.
--- 1210-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Behold the Oracle, the sight of whom is more romantic than watching the
> sun setting over the ocean in a tub of whipped cream.
>
> I seem to be in Love for the first time, suddenly all the songs on the
> radio make sense and I can watch Hugh Grant mumble illegible nonsense
> to Julia Roberts without throwing up my popcorn.
> Why wasn't I warned about these drawbacks in advance?
> I might have had myself fixed with a rusty hedge clipper had I known!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Don't worry, these are only temporary.
}
} Reality will once again be normal after the wedding.
--- 1210-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hello, i'm looking for a Mr. Og.
> I'm from Reader's Digest.
> He's won won the sweepstakes.
> No, you may not collect it for him.
> Look, i've got an oversize novelty cardboard check here for Mr. Og and
> i mean to give it to him...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dear Sir, Madam
}
} My name is W.Retched, lawyer in U-A-RO- X6 and RT& and I am writing on
} behalf of Doctor Og. The Oracle has mailed my client that a letter
} addressed to my client was mistakenly posted to his address. Regarding
} The Oracle's complaints of misspelling and/or threats in this letter
} mistakenly address to him/her I would gladly point you to my confrere
} B.Eelzebub as he is spokesman of The Oracle. He will contact you soon
} about finding a plausible solution.
}
} However, Doctor Og has told me to (and I quote now) "Tell that half
} witted, run of the mill piss ant excuse of a lower life form that he
} can eat his cardboard with jalapeno peppers and wait till it hurts".
}
} It is painfully clear to Doctor Og that a lot of people still think of
} him as the retarded Neanderthal man he used to be. However, after an
} encounter with Dr. Apmats of Lithuania last summer and the successful
} implant of the brain of the late Sir Hopkins (also know as Hannibal) Dr
} Og considers himself enough of 'human quality".
} As for damages, Doctor Og has expressed his concern for possible
} erroneous articles in the press about this incident and therefore is
} inviting you for a late night supper to patch things up.
}
} Regards,
} W.Retched
--- 1210-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle most psychomorphic and heterotropic,
> Is there a proper subvariety of the variety of lattices in which
> all epimorphisms are surjective?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [Wide shot of a desk, where the narrator, an avuncular looking man
} wearing a white coat, is watching a video playing. The video clearly
} features a younger version of the same man.]
}
} Man in Video: [reacting to an incoming email] Oh no! A math question!
} Aiiiiggghhhh!! [Looks down] Uh oh.
}
} [The narrator chuckles and reaches forward to turn off the video.]
}
} Narrator: [Turning to the camera] You know, like many people, I used to
} react with hysterical, pants-wetting panic when faced with a complex
} mathematical question. But I overcame my problem. and you can too,
} with the amazing new EZ-MATH (tm), from the dedicated scientists at
} Oracle Industries.
}
} Let me show you how it works. The EZ-MATH (tm) translator will take
} any mathematical question, no matter how difficult or obscure, and turn
} it into a question so simple that any moron can answer it.
}
} [Cut to a man dressed in a suit, who strangely resembles a chimpanzee.
} The caption reads "Senior U.S. Government Official".]
}
} SGO: It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
}
} Narrator: A classic case. Let's try the unchanged version first. Say,
} Mr Pres--I mean, Mr. "Government Official". Is there a proper
} subvariety of the variety of lattices in which all epimorphisms are
} surjective?
}
} SGO: Aiiiiiiiigggghhhh!!!! [Looks down, then looks offscreen.] Mr.
} Cheney, it happened again!
}
} Narrator: Now let's try the EZ-MATH (tm) version. Mr. Official, how
} many letters in the word "set"?
}
} SGO: [wearing a different suit] We ought to make the pie higher.
}
} Narrator: Okay, so clearly this doesn't work when the subject is a
} drug-addled loon. But for most people, EZ-MATH (tm) is the way to end
} math anxiety forever!
}
} That's EZ-MATH (tm) available now at retailer near you!
}
} You owe the Oracle a jumbo-sized box of Depends.
--- 1210-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> > GROVEL.
>
> Done.
>
> > VERSION
>
> The Nostalgia Oracle: A Vision of the Horrific Past
> Version 2 / Serial Number 110879
>
> > LOOK
>
> You're in a small bedroom. A door leads to the north. There is a poster
> hanging on the wall, a large dresser with a mirror (which is covered
> with cut out items from fanzines), and a bed here. A small Disco Ball,
> a Pet Rock, and a record player is on the dresser. There is a large
> collection of records and 8-track tapes under the bed.
>
> There is also a rip in the fabric of space and time to the south.
>
> > INVENTORY
>
> You are empty handed.
>
> > LOOK AT POSTER
>
> John Travolta. In polyester. On a dance floor. There isn't a lot more
> to say. There is another poster under it, though.
>
> > MOVE POSTER
>
> The poster underneath is badly torn. You can barely make out the words
> "EP ON TRUC"; the rest is incomprehensible.
>
> > LOOK RIP
>
> That sentence isn't one I recognize.
>
> > EXAMINE RIP
>
> It's glowing vaguely. Who knows where it leads?
>
> > GET ALL
>
> Disco Ball: Taken.
> Pet Rock: Taken
> Record Player: You can't take that!
> Poster: Are you sure you want to take that? [Yes/No]
> > NO
> Records: You'll have to be specific, there are too many to pick up now.
> 8-Track Tapes: No. They frighten you, for reasons you can't put words
> to.
>
> > MOVE TAPES
>
> [Assuming you mean the 8-Track Tapes]
>
> Underneath is a collection of Atari 2600 cartridges, and a Captain
> Crunch plastic whistle.
>
> > GET WHISTLE
>
> Taken.
>
> The rip is dimming.
>
> > ENTER RIP
>
> You see a white column of light, with blue on both sides. Numbers pass
> by; 1979, 1980, 1981, and from there, you can't make it out anymore,
> until it slows down again; 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989... and then it stops.
>
> Living Room
>
> There isn't a lot here. A couch, a TV, a VCR recorder, a Rubik's Cube,
> an NES, a CD player connected to a stereo system, a bookshelf, and not
> much else. There is a large archway, leading to the east.
>
> There is also a rip in the fabric of space and time here.
> >
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} +------+ 1
} | 1979 |
} +------+
} |
} |
} +-------------+ 2 +---------+ 3
} | 1989 |----| 1989 |
} | Living Room | | Bedroom |
} +-------------+ +---------+
} \
} \
} +-------------+ 4 +---------+ 5
} | 1999 |----| 1999 |
} | Living Room | | Bedroom |
} +-------------+ +---------+
} \
} \
} +--------+ 6
} | Nexus |
} +--------+
}
} 1. Move Tapes. Get all but poster. Enter Rift.
} 2. Get Cube. Solve Cube. Solve Cube. Throw Cube. Put cartridges in
} wall. Use Rock on NES. Examine NES. Get RF Shield. Move couch. Get
} cash. Get CD Player. E.
} 3. Look Bed. Drop all. Enter Bed. Make love. Get all but cash and
} phone. Dial Switzerland with phone. Use Whistle. Broker, buy Netscape.
} Broker, buy AOL. Drop phone. W. Enter Rift.
} 4. Use RF Shield on celphone. Use celphone. Broker, sell all. Broker,
} buy Viagra. Examine computer. Use Computer. Ebay.com. Throw
} celphone. Examine wall. Get cartridges. Sell cartidges on computer.
} Use Computer. Bank.com. Use printer. Get balance sheet. E. (For a
} cute easter-egg, type "Quake2" instead of "Bank.com".)
} 5. Look Bed. Drop all. Enter bed. Exit bed. Get Disco Ball. Use
} Disco Ball. Up. Use CD Player. Nine Inch Nails. Get Balance Sheet.
} Get condom. Enter bed. Use condom. Make Love. Show Balance Sheet.
} Make Love. Exit bed. Get wristwatch. W. XYZZY. Enter Rift.
} 6. Look. Examine Oracle. Time Is Money. Use watch. Get life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Scott Adam's only ever shoot-em-up game.
--- 1210-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, the queue has pretty jokes dear
> And it shows them, paper white
> Just an in-joke, has Thagernon, dear
> And he keeps it way out of sight
>
> When that queue bites, with his puns, dear
> Silent groans begin to spread
> Fancy gags though, has Thagernon, dear
> So there's never, never a trace of dread
>
> On the Network, one Sunday morning
> Lies an in-joke, once quite loved
> Someone sneaking, around the corner
> Could that someone, be Thag the Club?
>
> [Hey, at least it's better then Bobbie Darin's hack job on the song, to
> say nothing of The Door's cover version...]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's a quarter to three,
} There's no one in the queue except you and me.
} So, set 'em up Joe, I've got a little story that you oughta know.
} We're drinkin' my friend, to the end of a beloved in-joke,
} Make it one for my Thaggie and one more for the rhod ...
}
} I got the tell me, so it's up to me to put together the scene,
} I'm writing the gags, trying to fit in Lisa and Zadoc and Thag
} But it's just a bore, been done before, a punchline everyone knows
} So make it one for my Thaggie, and one more for the rhod ...
}
} You probably know it, but I'm not much of a poet,
} And I have no more Thag jokes to say
} And Lisa and Zadoc, just give me a headach
} And why won't Og go away?
}
} Well that's how it goes and Joe, I know you're gettin' anxious to close
} So, thanks for the post, but you shouldn't be stirring up ghosts
} This joke that you love must be shoved to the side or I will explode
} So, make it one for my Thaggie and one more for the rhod ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of your best stuff, baby.
--- 1210-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wonderful and majestic is the Oracle, an Internet without him would
> be like a spay without son power,
>
> Do refrigerators harbor malice?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle is assuming that you mean 'sun' instead of son power. If
} not, then you should contact the Oracle via secured lines and tell it
} about your masterful idea to use sons for heating buildings, running
} cars and doing the laundry.
}
} Back to your question then. Of course do refrigerators harbour malice.
} It is even common knowledge to all sane people on this planet. The
} Oracle wonders where you've been hiding all these years. You do know
} that G. Double You is now president of the USA? No? Hmmm, you do know
} that we use Buddha's as target practice these days? No? Hmmm, you know
} that Chesty Morgan made a gem in the filming industry by starring in
} 'Deadly Weapons' around the early seventies? Yes? Fine, than we have a
} clear picture of your mental state of mind.
} I'm not going to ask you about the clear signs of violence emanating
} from the fridges these days. I hope that this fact is known to you. But
} for your reassurance the Oracle will provide you a 'symbolic' list.
}
} Ten signs that refrigerators harbour malice and are even evil to the
} bones
}
} 1) The light goes out..... (Yes, that's the spooky part)
} 2) Ever felt the back of the refrigerator? It's HOT, HOT, HOT (clearly
} a sign of hidden anger)
} 3) That humming sound, hour after hour, suddenly stopping to a halt
} with a
} 4) The shudder after the humming sound, if you look carefully you'll
} see that the whole object moves a bit to the front
} 5) The inhuman ability to create icecubes at will (how cold a heart a
} refrigerator must have)
} 6) The fact that Northern American refrigerators are as big as a
} middle class European car, it seems you can stuff a corpse in it
} without losing room for eggs and milk
} 7) The prominent role of refrigerators in sitcoms and comedies
} involving dysfunctional American families. Every single time a
} character opens the fridge doors a humongous flask or bag or jar
} appears out of nowhere
} 8) The nagging feeling you have that that tuna sandwich was in your
} fridge an hour ago and you can't find it anymore
} 9) The tremendous shock when after two months you find your missing
} tuna sandwich in your vegetable drawer, covered with green or yellow
} ooze, hard as a rock and stinking like hell. The fact that you are
} absolutely sure that you did check the vegetable drawer makes it more
} uncomfortable
}
} And the number one reason that refrigerators harbour malice
} 10) They are secretly conspiring in a global plot to off mankind from
} this planet by creating big holes in the protective ozone layer
}
} So you see, there you have it, a pearl of knowledge from the Oracle.
} The Oracle suggests that you ditch your fridge and just eat all the
} food that you buy immediately and refrain from the nagging temptation
} to even buy a freezer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mint copy of 'Double Agent 73', a litre of walnut
} ice and two spoons.
--- 1210-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Highly esteemed Oracle, nothing is of greater significance or
> importance than you! Your ideas are like a metallic gauze,
> a curtain of protecting wire, around the illicit, dangerous
> fire of dumbness that we humans dance beside in glee,
>
> Aren't outcasts and outlaws the only ones by definition that
> can think for themselves?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sadly, no. You see, in these early years of the twenty-first century,
} "outcasts" and "outlaws" are just grist for the devouring, greedy
} mill that is public relations in Hollywood today. Once, James Dean
} could be called a "Rebel" and have media attention but now -- the
} drive to be outside the system is so pernacious that a whole new
} system has been built around being an outsider.
}
} Therefore, Outcasts have very specific guidelines and union
} regulations to follow. You have to specifically adopt a concentration
} (some popular ones include "goth wannabe," "cynical drug user," and
} "quiet man, polite to his folks, I'm stunned he killed all those
} people, officer") and follow misanthropic behavioral patterns, such
} as beating up photographers or sleeping with Danny Bonaduce.
}
} Outlaws, on the other hand, have to be "mavericks, willing to buck
} the system", and that requires so much support and backup that
} most outlaws need corporate sponsorship. So, "Sony's Quentin
} Tarentino" and "Starbucks Presents Oliver Stone," for example, have
} reputations of willful pride and bitter, cynical free thinking,
} because those things push product, man!
}
} Musically, of course, it's hard to forget that the most original and
} talented freethinking alternative music artist in the last several
} years, Moby, has sold out or licensed every piece of music he's ever
} recorded, most multiple times, and that this in turn made him popular
} with the kids.
}
} The really depressing part of this whole response is that the last
} paragraph is true.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new album by Bob Dylan and Neil Young.
--- 1210-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I move about in a bowed, prostrate position, gripped with fear and
> humility in your divine presence,
>
> Why do some people play games wrong deliberately?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because there just aren't enough games written to involve alcohol and
} nudity.
}
} Now, right hand on red or lose the pants sweetheart.
--- 1210-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Orrie-chan,
>
> We can dance, if we want to. We can leave your friends behind...
> because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well,
> they're no friends of MINE!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The victims of Sydenham's Chorea tried to put the best face on their
} situation, just as many victims of other diseases did, but it was
} the way they put it to music that set them apart from others.
}
} You owe the Oracle a triptych of St. Vitus.