Rumer

Background: Rumer has two children aged 5 and 3 and is married. She lives in a large city. She is a researcher and comes from an Anglo-Australian background.

About Rumer

Rumer had a difficult first birth resulting in an emergency caesarean. She found early parenthood 'exhausting' and had counselling for anxiety during her second pregnancy. With the support of a doula, Rumer had a vaginal birth after caesarean (VBAC). Although she had wanted children, Rumer found parenthood involved a 'huge' shift in identity and the dynamics of her relationship with her husband that took time to 'settle down'.

And so my contractions became further and further apart and I was really kind of like, 'Oh well, I'm here now. This is, you know, fine; whatever happens'. But then the staff were kind of like, 'You know, you need to walk around; you need to do all this stuff to try to restart the labour'. And I was doing all of that but not really, you know? I was just enjoying the novelty of it all 'cause it wasn't clearly that uncomfortable at that point.

Anyway, nothing was happening and then suddenly things got serious and then they broke my waters for me. And they gave me one more hour and it still hadn't picked up enough. And then I got transferred out of the birthing centre. You know, nice light and everything, and then you're in this horrible place - and I was vomiting heaps. And apparently at that point I said [laughs] to my friend, "Don't ever get pregnant. Just adopt".

It just went on for hours and hours and hours. And basically, then pretty early on I was like, "I want an epidural," kind of thing [laughs]. Like, "Forget all of my anti-drug agenda," and unfortunately it was really busy and the anaesthetist had two other caesareans or something, apparently, I found out afterwards. So nobody came. We kept asking and no-one came and I was just stuck in this horrible thing and you don't know when it's going to end and it's just hideous. And I had no pain relief, nothing except for the gas or whatever. Just sort of just was ineffective and just made me feel semi-nauseous. So I didn't want to use that.

And then finally an anaesthetist came and I had an epidural. And then I went to sleep for two hours [laughs]; it was just unbelievable. By then I think the baby was starting to fatigue and also the problem was apparently that she was on the wrong angle or something. So she just couldn't get out, basically, so in the end her heart rate started to drop. And then they said, "We need to have an emergency caesarean". And everyone always says that but it is quite amazing how just suddenly it's all systems go and before you even know it, you're in theatre kind of thing. Then the baby was starting to fatigue and also the problem was apparently that she was on a - the wrong angle or something.

> Social support during labour, birth and the early postnatal period - Rumer asked two close female friends as well as her partner to support her during her labour and birth

I had this idea that I wanted to have a natural birth and I'd read quite a lot about all of that stuff. I wanted to have support there other than my partner. But I didn't want my mum because mum is very into a medicalised idea of healthcare and she really worships doctors. I thought she might get worried and not necessarily provide the right kind of support.

So I'd asked my best friend and my other friend; the three of us went to school together. My other friend's a doctor and she's been seeing babies being born and I just had this feeling that my partner - I wanted him to be there if he was happy to be there. But I didn't expect he would be able to be very useful or helpful to me because he's never been in this situation before. At least as a female I thought, there's a bit more of that ability to relate.

> Experiences of health and allied health professionals during labour and birth - Rumer explained why she engaged a doula to support her attempt to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) following an emergency caesarean with her first baby

I was quite disappointed that an emergency caesarean had been the outcome the first time. But I really felt that whole silencing thing of - 'It doesn't matter what happened. The outcome is that the baby is OK and you are healthy, that's all that matters, so move on'. And I really resented that because it's like nobody gives you that permission to kind of - and none of healthcare providers or anything are really that interested either. Friends listened, but a lot hadn't given birth themselves. Or they'd had really different birth experiences. So it's really difficult to find someone sympathetic. And it probably wasn't really until I met a doula at the second birth who - she gave me that recognition.

I was a bit fixated on trying to have a vaginal birth. And so I read up about VBACs and I went to a different hospital the second time round. And they didn't really want you to do it. They basically explained that you can do it but you're under much stricter conditions. And then basically you have to accept that it's very likely you'll have another caesarean.

And so I was happy to go in with that view but I just thought I want someone because I understood that support was good... and the doula I went with was quite experienced, so she'd been prepped; she'd been doing this for over 10 years. She'd been to heaps and heaps and heaps of births. So she wasn't going to be freaked out by the birth environment. And she was very committed to supporting you in whatever you wanted. And acting as a kind of buffer, 'cause that was the thing I felt as well. Like the birthing centre, everyone was really lovely and supportive. But when you got to the regular ward, the staff there, some are nice. But others are very procedural and you just feel it's very impersonal. And I realised obviously after the first time, once you're in labour you're unable to negotiate or advocate or anything like that. You're just a total mess - and I just really felt for my partner, you know? It's hard for him because it's uncomfortable for him as well seeing me in that state. And so it's a big burden on him as well. Yeah, so, the doula was just the best decision ever.

> Social support in early parenthood - Rumer reflected on the importance of her friendships with her child-free girlfriends

I find with a lot of other women who have had children - this shift that sometimes occurs in your friendships with those who have children and those who don't and a lot of other women that I know - they don't really have much to do with their friends that don't have kids anymore. And I'm quite unusual [in that] my three closest girlfriends, none of them have - one of them is partnered. But the other two are single and don't have children. And I don't know but they're really important to me; like I just - 'cause sometimes I think - I dunno. Maybe that's part of why I'm aware of somehow - sometimes how exclusive and cliquey this whole motherhood thing can be because I'm close to three people who - well there's more, if I go beyond that inner circle, for whom it hasn't happened but they would've liked it to happen. And I'm very sensitive to their feelings about it all and stuff and I can see through their eyes what it must be like and because I was worried about that happening to me and all that - and they're actually quite enjoying their lives. I'm not saying they're lacking in any way whatsoever, but yeah my childfree friends have been critical to my whole journey into parenthood. And I don't feel some natural affinity with other people just simply because they have children.

> Negotiating housework and caring for children in early parenthood - Rumer said her husband's job loss had been a 'blessing in disguise' as it had forced them to 'rethink' their roles and that it was good for their children to see them both share breadwinner and caring roles

I think he was probably more - that's been probably an interesting journey for [my husband] because I think initially he was definitely like, "You should do more of the housework because you're at home with the baby". And all that sort of thing and, "If anyone's job has to be scaled back then it would be yours because I earn more money. And, you know, that's my role," and, you know, blah, blah, blah and then he lost his job. And it all changed [laughs].

So it's funny how that at the time was so stressful and I was so worried about it and all that kind of thing. But actually it's been a blessing in disguise because it has forced us to totally rethink our roles. And also we now have an understanding of each other's situation because we've both been in that primary carer role.

And also it has forced me to confront some of the assumptions that I had about the fact that my partner would actually be responsible for the income. And I would be the one who had the freedom to kind of do different things that I enjoyed or was interested in work wise. And now that I've been forced into the role of having to bring home the bacon, that's been a bit of a wake-up call as well so yeah, that's been unexpected part of it but I quite like it as well because I think it's - I think it's good for our girls, being girls, to grow up in a household where he and I swap between that sort of stuff and that he is now comfortable doing all of those things and, you know, doesn't have a problem with it. All that sort of thing and in some ways, you know, does it better than I did.

> Parents' experiences of meeting and bonding with their babies - Recovering from an emergency caesarean in a public hospital, Rumer recalled worrying about her baby being hungry and crying

And so when they said, "It's a girl," that was exciting; I was quite happy with that. And I had a very brief amount of time - the two of us were all in gowns and everything. So there's no skin-to-skin or anything like that and then I was sent off to recovery for two hours, ages, 'cause I'd lost quite a lot of blood, apparently. And then we went back and my partner and my best friend were there with our daughter. And so she'd had this lovely time, you know, kind of obviously probably a bit hungry but, you know, otherwise being held by those two. So it was 3 a.m. or something by then and we called my parents. And they tried to get me to breastfeed. And then my partner couldn't stay 'cause I was in the normal ward. I had a shared room and everything.

And, yeah, so in the end we stayed in hospital for five days. That was a bit stressful because of the caesarean my milk didn't come in fast enough and she wasn't regaining her birth weight fast enough. And so there was a bit of pressure around formula and all that sort of thing. And the breastfeeding was really difficult.

And I just also remember like those - just the nights in the hospital, like, you know, being on your own and not having a clue what to do. And, like, I think our baby was just really hungry so she was crying a lot... like it seemed more than all the other babies. And I just remember one night like, you know, being pretty miserable and trying to sing to her. And I just couldn't even sing 'cause I was crying so much [laughs]. And I remember at that time thinking, "Oh my god, what if she's this really high-strung personality and it's gonna be like this forever? I'll never be able to calm her down" [laughs].

> Approaches to parenting - Rumer followed her parents' approach in believing children should be loved but not overprotected, as there was no 'red carpet' awaiting them in later life

I remember my husband saying before our first child was born, "Let's raise her as though she's our third child. Let's try not to buy into all of that paranoia and over-protectiveness and all that sort of thing". I think that really resonated with me because I think that my parents - that was probably their big thing. They did in a way spoil us in a sense of the money being too easy to come by. But in other ways, they didn't; they were very strict about behaviour. And they just drilled into us this consideration for others kind of thing. And I realise now that I've become a parent - they've indoctrinated me and it's important to me as well... [children] need lots and lots of love but they need to know that, like, there's a world out there that's not always going to be laying out the red carpet for them... parenting to me is about having that long-term goal in mind. I want to raise a human being who can be a functioning, positive force in the world...

> Messages to expecting and new parents - Rumer talked about her concerns about 'disappearing' into motherhood

I started reading some stuff - because that was the other big part of it for me. I really hated a lot of the stuff about the sort of popular discourses around pregnancy and mothering and all that sort of thing and was determined not to be that sort of person who just disappears into motherhood and, you know, only refers to themselves as a mum all the time [laughs].

I just found that nauseating [laughs]. But it was hard to talk to many people about that, especially other people who had children, and once I'd sort of started reading a bit I found, 'Oh, there are other people out there that feel this way and have a more nuanced relationship with the whole thing'.

So - 'cause I had a couple of friends who had kids around the same time with me who were very into the whole being a mother thing. And I just felt it was hard for me to relate to them sort of thing. It just wasn't that interesting. But also over time I've found that now I reckon when people first have a baby you've got to give them a couple of years and at least until they have their second child before you can assess whether or not they're a lost cause [laughs].

'Cause I just remember as well the other cautionary tale I heard was from this friend, and she said to me, "I lost myself in being a mother and I just let that become the most important thing in my life. And then once my kids sort of got off to school I thought, 'Oh, what next?' Like it was always, you know, that next thing, and then I sort of had to find my own self again."

Which can either happen then. Or it can happen when your kids leave home or whatever. But, you know, at some point you're going to recede in importance in their life. And if you've tied everything up with them up until that point, it's going to be really hard to deal with.

More about Rumer

Rumer described first feeling a 'strong drive' to have a child when she was in her mid-20s, but 'couldn't seem to find the right partner'. In her late 20s she began a 'casual' relationship that gradually became more serious. A few months after getting married, Rumer and her husband conceived their first child. Pregnancy prompted mixed feelings in Rumer - excitement but also feelings of insecurity in her relationship.

Wanting a 'natural' birth, Rumer had booked into a birthing centre. She labored at home for about 15 hours but after admission to the birthing centre her labour slowed and could not be re-started. Rumer was transferred to a regular birthing suite where she was 'augmented' with synthetic oxytocin (SYNTOCINON), which led to 'sudden full-on labour', electronic fetal monitoring, and limited mobility and options for non-pharmacological pain relief. Rumer said, 'everything that I had imagined just was the opposite'.

After 'hours and hours' of intense, painful labour Rumer had an epidural anesthetic. However, as her baby was positioned at the 'wrong angle' and beginning to fatigue, Rumer ended up having an emergency caesarean. Although she was happy she and her baby were well, she felt there was 'no permission' to talk through her sense of 'failure' over not having a vaginal birth.

During her hospital stay Rumer recalled 'pressure' around breastfeeding as her baby wasn't regaining her birth weight fast enough. After leaving hospital, breastfeeding remained challenging and Rumer sought assistance at a breastfeeding day clinic linked to the hospital she gave birth at. This was 'fantastic' and resolved the problems Rumer was having.

Rumer recalled the first months of her baby's life as 'exhausting'. She had her husband had decided to co-sleep with their baby, leading to frequent night waking for feeding. At eight months Rumer felt her tiredness was 'colouring everything'. Together with her husband they did 'controlled crying' over four nights and transitioned their baby into her own room. This was 'fairly painless' and Rumer felt much better afterwards.

Eighteen months later, Rumer became pregnant with her second child. She recalled this pregnancy as more 'stressful'. Her husband had lost his job and was looking for permanent work and Rumer was uncertain whether to continue working or pursue postgraduate studies. She said seeing a psychologist under the Better Access to Mental Health care initiative 'really helped'.

Rumer had decided to try to have a vaginal birth after caesarean (VBAC) and hired a doula, which she said was 'the best decision ever'. Her second labour was shorter and she had a VBAC with forceps delivery. Rumer found recovering from an episiotomy more difficult than from a caesarean, but otherwise found her second baby 'easier' than her first. Her relationship with her husband also 'settled down'.

Rumer's advice to expecting or new mothers is to resist the 'enormity of expectations around motherhood' and to hold on to other parts of their identity as there will come a time when as parents they 'recede in importance' in their children's lives.