Doubts and Fears

7 January, 2007 - 12:25am — Teiraa

This is my first journal entry on this site, and I wanted to write about my doubts and fears. I feel that I was supposed to be born a girl, but I have so many thoughts and questions that cloud my mind, I don't know what to do. I've already told my parents about this, but they seem to be distant. To start my first thought, what if I were to live the rest of my life as a female? Well, I wouldn't really be a female after all, right? I wouldn't be able to have children of my own, and I may end up being hated for the rest of my life, but I'll be content inside. Isn't that what I really want, happiness? But what if I were to live the rest of my life the way that I am? Would it be so bad? If I transition, I may never be able to get my life back on track. The way my life is going now is almost perfect. I have great grades, I'm healthy, and I have my whole life ahead of me. Would transitioning make my life better or far worse than it is? I can't even seem to talk privately to my therapist about all of this, because I am so afraid of what my future has in store for me. I'm also very afraid of what people think of me, and I do know that transsexuals have a higher rate of death than homosexuals and other gender related or sexually different people. However, I can't help but feel courage when I hear the story of a successful transsexual. Go to youtube.com and type transsexual in the search list, ignore the sexually explicit videos, and find the heart filled videos of other transsexuals who have, basically, come out to the WORLD! Here are these courageous people who can just simply post a video about themselves and be themselves without a care in the world. Why can't I do that? Why can't I accept who I am, and just yell out to the world that I don't care? I don't know, and maybe I never will. I may just be thinking about it too much. If you read this all the way through, thanks for reading, and if you care enough, I'd like some support. I feel quite lonely and depressed.

Comments

Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetie. You're very young yet, and these kinds of decisions take lots of time and consideration. It's true that much of the world still doesn't understand or accept transexuals, but as Bob Dylan sang, "The times, they are a-changin'". There are quite a few trans kids on this site, some of them are where you are, some a bit further along, so by all means seek them out and talk to them. You will find them all very kind and supportive, like everyone else here.

As far as your parents go, it is often even harder for parents to accept transgender children than gay children because they are faced with the possibility of actually losing their child. I know that sounds silly to you because you would only be becoming the person you truly are, but to parents, it's like losing a son (or daughter). Though eventually many come around, I don't know of any who do not grieve for their lost child to some degree for the rest or their lives, even though they grow to love the child who has replaced him (or her). Try to understand and be patient with them.

Well, I have no special expertise in this area, so I'm going to leave further comment to the rest of the trans people on Oasis, who will no doubt be much more of a help. I just want you to know that everyone here will support you, so feel free to keep sharing your worries and fears. We will listen and understand.

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
First off welcome to oasismag the people here are really cool. The way I see it is gender is fluid. I know this one person who lived as a male for a couple years (she is biologically female) and decided that wasn't what she wanted anymore. If you find that you are female you could always identify as a transgender and not be a transsexual you don't have to have an operation to be a certain gender. I saw a presentation by this guy who is an advocate for transgender rights. He said during the transition for transsexuals it is hard because people around you are also going through a change in how they view you, BUT that people are happy when the whole process is over with and feel whole. For me right now I'm unsure of my gender, and identify as a gender-fucker until I have better understanding of myself. I fully support transgender (including transsexual) rights and I support you. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM (private message) me.

Welcome to the site! I'm sorry to say I really have next to no knowledge in this area, but I just wanted to let you know that we all support you here and have faith that you'll make the right decision for YOU. Not anyone else, just you. Things may be really difficult now, but times will get better eventually. Have patience, faith and most of all, hope! Good luck!

"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." T.E. Lawrence