…due August 5th 2012

Archive for November, 2011

Yes, the world is a crazy place and yes, I am ready to dive in with two heartbeats.

It’s been almost a week since I found out I was pregnant. I can’t even believe it’s been that long, it seems like it was yesterday. I still test myself every day to make sure I’m not dreaming (and to use up the 50 pregnancy test strips I have) and I am somehow more pregnant than the day before. Turns out nature is as stubborn if not more stubborn than I am. I never thought for a second about aborting the child, although I could see that thought on other people’s faces.

Yes, the “man” who got me pregnant would just be another child to take care of, and no, I don’t think that would be fair to me or our kid. Right now we are talking about how he is “not ready,” and how he “doesn’t want to grow up,” which isn’t at all a surprise to me.

I had wanted a baby though, regardless of my lack of partner support. I think the fact that he wasn’t ready may have been more of a perk than a draw-back to me at that time, because I knew I would be in charge and that I could leave if I wanted to and he wouldn’t put up much of a fight. Even though I don’t enjoy the idea of raising my child without a full-time dad, (since I grew up that way and know how it can hurt) I do know that I am the more responsible party by about 500% and that I will do the better job. I’d rather provide stability, and intelligence as one person than add anxiety and self-doubt as two people.

That being said, I would never deprive my child or its father the right to know and be with each other, I am simply assessing what level of contact seems to be in the best interest of the child. I am very aware of the fact that we are setting an example even before the child is born.

Which just reinforces feelings I already had, in the importance of feeling the way you want your baby to feel, and experiencing and valuing things you want your baby to. I think that being around someone who is panicking, doubting and not self-educating is healthy for me or my child. I think the dad needs time to think about what he can and cannot provide at this point in his life, and to get on his own two feet before he has two more to deal with.

I told him last night that we need some time apart, I need much more peace and support and he needs to talk to his friends and family and see if they have the answers he doesn’t. I wish I could say I don’t resent him, but I do. He’s an adult and he knew his selfish behavior put him at risk of becoming a parent, yet he somehow never thought about what that would look like or if he was ready.

Luckily, I have the most amazing family and friends to support me in this journey. People who know me so well, knew how much I have been desiring motherhood, and who are happy for me. People who are openly offering their help and support, who believe I can do this and that I will do a great job. I have never felt more grateful for my friends, or more proud of the people I have in my life. All of the people I love and hold close are demonstrating to me that I have made wise decisions, I have put myself on the thoughtful and self-aware path, and that I am knowledgeable and able to make healthy decisions.

This may not be the ideal entrance to this part of my life, but I feel it is the right one. I believe everything happens the way it does for a reason and I believe in my own strength and my ability to become the mother I always wanted to be. I guess at this point, that is all I need… that and information, information, information. I can’t get enough education, videos and literature. If you have any recommendations please feel free to post links here, I am devouring anything and everything right now. Thank you for being here.