The Do’s and Don’ts of Buying Gifts for Guys

Posted on
May 01, 2014
by
The Angry Unicorn

You know what time it is?

Yeah it’s who-cares-o’clock but that’s not important. It’s time to do something nice and give a gift to the guy who’s been there helping you out. You know who I’m talking about? Maybe it’s your dad helping you move after you got kicked out of another apartment for partying hard and puking on the landlord. Or maybe it’s a friend who bailed you out of prison because you were holding something for them. Whatever the case, get them something that matters.

Now I know the common picks and let me tell you, you’re wrong. Don’t be a dummy!

Maybe you were thinking of a new grill. That’s a great pick if you want them to smell like charcoal to wear dumbass aprons that say “Kiss the Cook.” Do you really want to help them look like a prick?

Besides, think about your friend near an open flame.

If you’re laughing right now then you know better.

Forget that crap and get them a set of dog and hotdog cufflinks. It’s like he’s going out to a picnic but without entrusting a small animal’s life to him. A great idea, especially if he’s the type to wonder if fish get drunk and decides to replace the water with Coors Light.

But Angry, you might say, what about a watch? Everyone wants to know what time it is.

Alright true but you’re still WRONG!

Dig into your pocket. If you got an IPhone, another smart phone, or laptop in it (how the hell did that last one fit?) then you probably got ten ways to tell the time already. Sides, if your friend is the stay at home type who can’t get his head outta video games, then you don’t get him a watch. Cause then people might talk to him and ask for the time and he’ll hate you making him interact, you jerk!

No, what you want to do is to get them the Le Défenseur du Temps set of cufflinks from Bond47. It’s got gears like a clock, it’s classy as a diamond rock, and it won’t piss you off by going tick tock all damn day. You can even make it so you give a poor family in India drinkable water for a year. If your friend is the gamer type, tell him it’s Mountain Dew so that he’ll understand.

But maybe you’re thinking of setting him up with a cruise. He could get good food, get waited on hand and foot, and maybe get some action.

Let me level with you. Cruises are expensive and your buddy might just end up throwing up the entire time from seasickness…or drinking too much. Probably both!

No, get them a set of Sailor Cufflinks and tell him “You’re the cap’n make it happen.” Just get ready for him to do the Captain Morgan Pose or make Gilligan’s Island Jokes.