Category: Uncategorized

We live in a world of freely shared criticism. Because the barriers are down and almost everybody has the means to criticize almost everybody else– at least it seems that way with social media. Yet I do wonder where all these folks that freely exercise their ability to criticize, get the impression that they have the right to criticize anyone that they take their fancy to.

Are we just plain stupid? I mean, those of us that put ourselves “out there” and go public with our ideas and thoughts and opinions? Opening ourselves up for those critics – getting a hard left swing, while we have our cover down?

I think not.

Although it seems like we, the open ones, are vulnerable, I prefer to see “putting myself out there” and expressing my thoughts (or choice of whatever it is) as a show of my strength and my individuality.

Yes, as we say something or do something that is not in line with general public stance at the moment, we could get verbally beat up. Yet we are also being ourselves, the incredibly valuable individual that we are. (I saw this on a T-Shirt somewhere and love this saying: “If I were you, I think I would rather be me.” How is that for not-so-hidden criticism?)

If I mess something up – then, ok, stuff happens. Nobody’s perfect. Tell me in a way that will help me to make myself better the next time – don’t bump me off my tree stump just so you can stand over me, dwelling on your self-righteousness.

Oh, so you know more than me? Well, you and about a billion or so other people on the planet do, I’m sure. Not in everything though – especially not about me. In my life, I am the Chief Experience Holder. And that means my logic or reasoning is a bit different than yours. I could reach different conclusions, see things differently, feel differently about things than you do. That is just another one of those quirks, about me being me and you being you.

There are all kinds of reasons to criticize. It is the easiest thing in the world to do, to find fault with someone else.

So how can you cope with criticism?

Here are some not-so-good coping options:

The iceberg. Go cold. Stop all communications. Do not look at the critic and do not reply or respond. Ever. Again.

The argumentative type. These are the ones that really get down to defending themselves. Even as far as getting very personally demeaning with the critic.

The justifier. These folks can give you a lot of reasons why they did what they did, said what they said, wore what they wore, or even why they danced a walzer to a fox trot beat.

The ridiculer. Put that critic down! Minimize their intelligence, their research ability, their IQ, their EQ! They are total nincompoops! The school they went to and the music they listen to, the car they drive and the dog they have… it is all so, so “ugh”.

Do you waste a lot of words explaining to someone who doesn’t care why you did what you did, or what you do what you do (if they even bother to listen)?

Or do you “roll with the punches”and put on your shiny armor and fake smile and at the next best opportunity slip away to cry in the bathroom?

When criticized, what is your go-to coping mechanism to manage your feelings about the criticism? How do you manage your relationship with the criticizer?

Here come my favorite coping options – and believe me when I say that I have learned these hard way:

Ask – always stop and always ask – yourself: Do I believe this criticism? Is it really true?
The answer will generally be “No”. Because the critic is not in my skin, and their neurons aren’t firing like mine.

Ask again: Can I fix it? Whatever “it” is. If it is in my power to fix “it”, then I just go do that. End-of-story.

Just one more thing: if what you think I said is criticism, then tell me how you feel about it. I sincerely hope that the words that came out of my mouth or (through my fingers) was intended to be loving, constructive feedback, because that is how I want it to be for me. I appreciate to be helped. Because without good feedback, I will not be able to grow (you probably neither – but you are the Chief Experience Holder of your life – so maybe you are different).
This part – about loving, constructive feedback helps me to grow – holds especially true if one of us automatically tends to take on one of those not-so-good coping options mentioned above.

I’ve been thinking a lot about “power” lately: who has it, who is not using their own, where does it come from, how is it being used … and also about what the different meanings of “power” could be for each individual.

Because I am bilingual, German and English – I am also aware that the word, even though it is used in everyday language here in Germany, could mean something different than what the original, English term, is used for. Here (to clarify: I do live in Germany) it generally is used to describe a person as energetic.
As in “Ich hab’ heut’ richtig Power!” (loose translation here): “I have power today” and the generally accepted meaning for this statement is: “I feel really energetic”.

We all have “power”. Power over <enter who or what here>, power to <enter what or how here>. At the very least, we have power over our thoughts and actions, and we have the power to do or to be.

What meaning does “power” have for you? Where are you using your power? Does power mean energy for you, too?

How long can you wait after asking someone a question, before you give the answer yourself? Or before you ask another question – that supposedly clarifies your first question? Can you just sit and wait for the other person to answer your original question?

Sometimes just by asking a following question, that, in itself, changes the original question. I have found that a stance of “friendly curiousity” is my key go-to strategy, when I have asked a question and find myself wanting to rush in with a probable answer to that question, or to offer “support” in how to understand my original question by asking even more questions.

Being curious and attentive helps me to stay quiet (ok – granted – not all the time! But hey, give me some credit, I am trying to be mindful of this, and trying very hard at that!) because that way, I am really, sincerely, truly interested to find out how my inital question was received. Who knows what kind of good thoughts could come out of an answer that was allowed to be reflected upon before I hijacked their train of thought until it jumped its tracks.
Imagine what kind of a resulting discussion that could lead to!

Do you leave the other person time to give you a thoughtful answer? What do you do if you feel like the answer to your question is taking a “long” time? How long is “long” for you? Can you extend that time and just wait it out to see what happens? What answers could come if you just let your question “sit” with the other person for a while?

Offering advice instead of asking questions? Jumping to conclusions?
The best questions asked, are those of ourselves.
This has nothing to do with not trusting yourself or your judgement, by-the-way. This has to do with “awareness of yourself” and paying attention to what is really going on inside of you when someone else is speaking.
I have found that the best way to listen, is to simply be curious. Curious about the person that is talking to me, about the words being said, about the story being told, and a little bit about the emotions I sense in my body.
I don’t have to have an answer to any of these things. It is simply sufficient to just be there, in body and mind, with the other person. That makes a much more lasting impact than any solution I could come up with. Because, as we all know: what is real – their reality – is in the “beholder’s eye”. Agree?

To be a leader, someone that others follow, you need 5 things:
1. Clarity about yourself. Do you which values are driving your decisions?
2. Clear language. Are you willing and able to engage in the difficult conversations?
3. Clarity on the “price” of the risks you take. You know the chances and the risks -and you can move forward?
4. The knowledge you have gained from your mistakes. You know you can trust your judgement (and not your emotions?)
5. Your behavior is one of courage. Are you moving out of your comfort zone?

Where are you demonstrating courageousness in your life? In your work? Are you initiating the difficult conversations and helping others as you do so?
Where are you leading?