Public warned vs new virus!

EPIDEMIOLOGISTS have warned the public against the possible outbreak of disease caused by a newly discovered virus strain during the election campaign.

The health experts discovered the virulent virus while undertaking researches on the “Zika” virus. The scientists called the new virus “Zi-ako.” Further laboratory tests showed that the “Zi-ako” virus is related to the P1Noy3 strain of the dreaded swine flu virus.

Researchers found that the “Zi-ako” virus results in a gradual decrease in intelligence.
Tests conducted on infected individuals revealed that it took them a longer time to digest election platforms but became faster in recognizing the image of Ninoy Aquino given by campaign leaders.

They stressed, however, that the slower brain function caused by “Zi-ako” doesn’t affect one’s sexual appetite.

Those infected are also more liable to forgetfulness, especially of anomalies levelled against candidates with Ninoy as “lawyers.”

Dr. Jose Dimaculangan, an internationally acclaimed epidemiologist, expressed fears that the “Zi-ako” virus could impair the infected persons’ immune system against corruption.

He also voiced suspicions that influential politicians are promoting the spread of the “Zi-ako” virus to ensure the victory of their chosen candidates in the coming May elections.

“This is especially true among the senators, congressmen, and other politicians who have already been infected with the P1Noy3 strain of the swine flu virus,” Dimaculangan said.

He also noted research results showing that politicians infected with the “Zi-ako” virus are more prone to make incredible campaign promises and to use all means available, including PCOS machine-ations, to win.

He added that politicians infected with the P1Noy3 strain of the swine flu virus are also carriers of the Zi-ako virus. Earlier reports said the P1noy3 virus is usually transmitted to those in regular contact with Malacañang. It gives the infected persons an insatiable desire for pork.

“It also blurs the eyesight, such that it makes the infected person believe he is walking a ‘tuwid na daan’ even when he walks like a duck and is following a crooked road. The blurred eyesight also worsens if accompanied by addiction to video games,” the scientific study said.

While Dimaculangan believes that 93 percent of congressmen were already infected with Zi-ako and P1Noy3 virus, Dimaculangan is less concerned with the House than the more revered Senate.

“Previous to this, the Senate already had FMD,” he lamented.

Dimaculangan hastened to explain that “FMD” in the Senate refers to “Foot and Mouth Disease,” not to Senate President Franklin M. Drilon. This FMD makes senators submissive to the dictates of Malacañang, even to the extent of losing their inherent power of the purse.

“FMD makes senators and congressmen totally deaf to the popular demand that they abstain from pork even when it’s not Holy Week. It also makes them inveterate liars in telling the people that they have already abolished the pork from their system,” he added.

Epidemiologists share the fears of Dimaculangan that voters could get infected with Zi-ako if they easily fall to the charms of “Ninoy” during the election campaign.

Asked about the most effective way to prevent a Zi-ako epidemic, Dimaculangan replied: “Avoid like the plague politicians who are carriers of the virus.”