Blame Cupid. Blame Hallmark.
Blame love. But on Valentine's Day, you've got to get her some sizzling
gift that will reignite the fires of romance. Fifty years ago, a box of
chocolates and flowers did the trick, but times have changed. To get the
inside scoop on how to drive your lady WILD, read on:

SHAVE YOUR BALLS.

With a little snip-snip here and a snip-snip there,
you can transform that tangled undergrowth into a pristine fairway that'll
get you both counting the strokes. Sure, the last thing you ever think
you want to put near the old wobblies is a razor, but it's far safer than
you think and she'll get a real charge out of it.

"The first time, I did it as a joke," said
Ed, 27. "But she dug it. And it made my dick look a whole lot bigger."

The fine folks at PubicShave.com
explain, in great detail, how to avoid skinning your grapes. First-timers
should start with a beard trimmer, while the bold can try the razor route.
(The Mach 3 Turbo, $8, from Gillette, is a best bet.)

There's nothing wrong with keeping Mr. Johnson in a
stylish goatee. After all, isn't that how you want her to look?

CLEAN THE BATHROOM.

Face it: You could knit a sweater with the pubic hair
in your bathroom.

Splashing some water around the sink and keeping a flower-scented
spray within reach of the toilet just won't cut it anymore. Ladies dread
having to negotiate around coagulated shaving cream, yellow Q-tips, and
scum-encrusted shaving kits just to wash their face.

Luckily, this
helpful link can show you how to make your germ terrarium into a pristine,
manicured restroom fit for a king -- or in this case, queen -- just in
time for Valentine's Day. A big can of Dow's Scrubbing Bubbles and a new
scrubby sponge should do the trick -- but pick up a square box of Kleenex
and a candle if you want really to say "I love you."

"When I saw he cleaned the bathroom, he didn't
have to ask me to spend the night," said Lana, 21. "I already
knew."

HER NECK, HER BACK.

When it comes to exploring the female form, most guys have the three N's
-- nipples, neck and nay-nay -- down pat. But over her vast landscape
of terrain are some pleasurable nooks and crannies that you've most likely
overlooked.

"My big spot is my collarbone. He likes my neck
-- and my breasts -- but he never seems to stop enough between the two
places," said Amy, 22.

So, do her a favor and find out her other "hot
spots" before you spend the night with your Valentine sweetheart.
And don't be afraid to really explore -- some women love having
their toes, kneecaps, or even their elbows get into the action.

By servicing her other erogenous zones it'll prolong the foreplay and
make her feel that you're lovin' her entire body and not just going through
the motions so you can ejaculate. "One night, we were, uh, fooling
around," whispers Tammy, 19. "And he licked the back of my knee
gently and I went nuts."

CHANGE YOUR SHEETS.

Jennifer Lopez won't let Ben on her block without 250-thread
count sheets on the bed. And for good reason. The higher the thread count
you have on your sheets, the hotter the action will be between them.

"I made my boyfriend switch after we graduated
college," said Lauren, 24. "Now anything else is just too uncomfortable."

Your mission: Buy the sheets with the highest thread
count you can find, since the more threads you have, the softer the fabric
will be. (It's the difference between a cable-knit sweater and silk.)
Find sheets over 180-count, in 100% cotton, in a solid color. Don't get
fancy.

Now, we all can't keep it real like J.Lo and spend thousands
on our sheets. But for lower-priced luxury this Valentine's Day, try the
cotton sheets from Grand Patrician -- a whopping 310-thread count -- priced
between $30 and $60.

Don't plan on leaving the bedroom 'til Easter.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, CUDDLE.

If David Blaine can stand on a 22-inch circular platform
for two days without any food or water or sleep or rest, then you can
lie there and let her snuggle without swatting her away in the middle
of the night.

Okay, so spooning, despite the erotic sounding name,
is a raw deal. You're not having sex. Your arm is the only part of your
body that's asleep. And she's wrapped around you like a boa. But for her,
it's an entirely different ballgame.

"There's just something so sweet about having my
big man there in the middle of the night," said Jackie, 21. "But
he likes to sleep the other way."

Few products on the market can magically turn
non-cuddlers into teddy bears, but we find that two Tylenol PM will knock
you out enough so you're not cranky in the morning. Just be careful, you
won't be able to operate your heavy equipment when you're on that stuff.