From now on, when President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner step up to a microphone together I’ll react the same as when I’m paddling a canoe across a Minnesota lake: “Honey, sshhhh. Listen to the loons!”

Obama earned this honor on Monday during the height of the fiscal cliff panic with his goofy, insensitive and failed attempt at humor. In one particularly hilarious moment he seemed to be chuckling about his own possible assassination: “I’m going to be president for the next four years. I hope.”

Then there’s Boehner. He joined the Congressional Club of Idiots a week ago during cliff negotiations when, according to a Politico story, he saw House Majority leader Harry Reid, pointed a finger at him and told Reid, “Go @#$& yourself.” Boehner then repeated the line.

That highly intellectual attack was preceded by Reid, speaking on the floor of the Senate, calling Boehner a dictator, saying the speaker cared more about his job than taking care of the American people.

(I know. I too was shocked at such an allegation.)

Somehow during this battle among the mental giants we have elected, a fiscal cliff deal was worked out. Or not. Or part of a deal. Or a deal that bought time for an actual deal that will come later.

On a personal note, my wife and I were so upset about the tax hike on couples earning more than $450,000 that we blew the traditional Tosches family New Year’s Day feast out of our noses — leaving the table covered in Ramen noodles, corn gruel and old watered-down coffee.

Anyway, if you’re like me, the whole thing is confusing — and you are currently wearing pajamas with moose on them. Seriously, as a public service, here are excerpts from The Wall Street Journal that will help you understand.

About the deficit: “The Committee For a Responsible Federal Budget, a non-partisan anti-deficit group, says the federal debt, which now amounts to about 73 percent of the gross domestic product, the value of all goods and services produced in the economy, was on track to hit 81 percent of the GDP by 2022, had Congress extended all the expiring tax cuts and made other widely anticipated changes to tax and spending laws.”

Frankly, I don’t see how that could be any easier to understand — unless we have Bob Dylan sing it to us.

On the economy: “Mohamed El-Erian of bond manager Pimco puts it this way: The deal avoids ‘the more extreme risks of the fiscal cliff’ but doesn’t ‘enhance in any durable manner the medium-term outlook’ nor ‘provide a foundation for better economic governance by Congress.’ “

As we pour this “foundation for better economic governance,” the American people firmly believe we should take every senator and U.S. representative and throw them into the cement.

On the uncertainty: “A month ago, White House economic-policy coordinator Gene Sperling said: ‘Make no mistake about it: no budget agreement — however robust — will provide the economic certainty and confidence we aspire to if job creators, investors and working families believe that, after we reach that agreement, just months down the road, we will start the next round of debt-limit debacles.’ “

I, like you, was shocked by that. Especially the startling news that the White House has an economic policy coordinator. It’s like finding out Sarah Palin had a speechwriter.

Finally, summing it all up for us is my new hero, Republican Rep. Steve LaTourette of Ohio, who questioned the wisdom of accepting “a package put together by a bunch of sleep-deprived octogenarians on New Year’s Eve.”