Monthly Archives: January 2015

Part of the reason why it is so difficult for an American man to date and find love in America comes down to demographics. There are simply more men than women in America in the age ranges that matter to them. I’ve written before about how male dominance in French held colonies in the New World resulted in Louis XIV recruiting single young women known as the King’s Daughters to be sent to marry male colonists to create families and a population boom that would strengthen French holdings in the colonies.

Today, we face a similar crisis, but no government agency is going to step in and help us. For one thing, feminism controls and exercises disproportionate influence in government and the media, so this problem won’t be discussed to any significant extent. Fortunately, men have more social mobility than ever and it’s not a big undertaking to travel abroad to date or look for a wife.

All the single men

To get an idea of the extent of the problem here’s an infographic of gender ratios in major cities in the United States (found here).

Graphical representation of disproportionate men and women in major US cities in 2012

The data for the infographic draws from US census data and plots excess men and women by city in the US. Only cities with a population of over 250,000 are represented. Singles are considered to be people who are not married, divorced (but not separated) and widowed. However, I’m not sure how many of these people are dating or cohabitating and still marking themselves as single on the census questionnaire. You can find our more about the methodology by visiting the website but this will be good enough for our discussion.

The 18-64 age range is much too broad for us to consider because, realistically, how many men are chasing 64 year old women? Not many I’d think. Let’s look at the age ranges of women that men would be interested in. The infographic has a slider bar where you can look at different age ranges.

Women at the 20-34 age range are at their peak sexual appeal, desirability and fertility. These are the women that men tend to chase regardless of how old the man is. Actually, the 30’s are pushing things a little. Fertility and appearance begin to wane in women once they enter their 30’s. There may be a few exceptions made for women that take care of themselves and managed to remain childless but it’s largely irrelevant considering how many surplus men there are in the major US cities. There are a few small bastions of surplus women in a couple of southern cities, but for the most part, it’s a sausage fest in the “land of opportunity”.

The depressing thing is that this map understates things a great deal. Consider the obesity rating among women, how many of them are single mothers, and how many are lesbians. The pickings are slim, indeed. An American man has to cross an ocean to have a realistic chance of scoring an attractive woman in her prime age range. Otherwise, he’s just hoping he gets lucky in the US.

My experience in the field

I divorced when I was 30 and tried to get into the dating scene about six months later. This included going to events, speed dating, internet dating and spending thousands of dollars on singles clubs in the US. I sought single or divorced women without children in the 25-35 age range. Not only was this age range very close to mine, but I figured that a woman’s biological clock would be ticking and she would make man hunting a priority. I just got a new higher paying job when I started dating. I didn’t own alimony or child support to my ex-wife. I rated somewhere between a 5-7 on a scale of 1-10 on Hot or Not depending on what photo I posted for ratings. I am tall and was within a normal weight range, but if you wanted to get picky, I may have carried a few extra pounds that I didn’t need. I had my own home and car. Needless to say, I felt that I was a good catch and my confidence was high.

But there were no words to describe how frustrated I was. Nothing was happening. Nothing! I was even trying some game principles at one point and hiring a marketing professional to write my profile. I logged into my dating profiles to find empty mailboxes while letters and other expressions of interest sent by me were being ignored and deleted without being read. Nobody picked me after speed dates either. Women in other venues were okay. Sometimes I’d get numbers only to be screened by voicemail. They’d never call back.

This graph gives a good reason why.

Gender ratios within the age range I was seeking to date.

Not only is it a sausage fest, but 25-35 is the worst possible age range to be dating in if your a man living in the US. Look at how large those blue dots are compared to the other age ranges! You can play around with the interactive map at the website to see for yourself. There’s simply too many men chasing after two few women. This age range also has a lot of bitter and jaded women. Any women in this age range that has any appeal has likely been through a divorce or being played in the dating scene when she was younger. So I had to cope with bad attitudes or a reserved defensive posture among the women that I did meet.

What do the women say?

Listening to too many women about relationships when I was younger is what contributed to my lack of success. I was trying to take them at their word but they really don’t know what they’re talking about.

Or they say asinine things like this:

Where have the men gone? Look at the gender ratios across the US. Men are everywhere!

In womanspeak, Hymowitz is actually asking, “Where are all the men that women want to date?”

“Want to date” is the key word here because some women actually notice the gender imbalance that should work in their favor but they respond to this by being picky (ie: unrealistic expectations). It strikes me as a self-defeating strategy as they spiral to the abyss of spinsterhood. Fortunately, men still have options abroad.

When I was going through the archives for 90 Day Fiance on the TLC website, I became interested in the story of Len and Alina. They were not featured in the first season because their relationship was pretty much a non-starter. They were going through the visa application process but it was never completed and no visa was issued and Alina never arrived in America. So their brief relationship wouldn’t really add much to a full season that featured other couples.

I decided to make Len and Alina a topic for discussion because this is likely to be a result for many men looking for brides overseas. Len meets Alina in Lugansk, Ukraine and falls in love with her. They agree to start the visa process, but overtime, Alina starts to lose interest and disappears for weeks at a time. In a final conversation over webcam, Alina confesses that she went to Turkey to meet another man who spoils her. Click Len and Alina’s photo to watch the video of the climactic conversation on TLC’s website.

Something very similar to this happened with me and my ex fiance. A few other men I know have gone through this type of situation before also. So it is a very realistic possibility that some of your foreign relationships will end the same way.

This type of scenario seems to happen with enough regularity that it makes me suspicious of women that have frequently traveled abroad. This is especially true if a woman travels abroad by herself while she is dating you like what Alina was doing to Len. A lot of people will argue with me on this point, but if she travels alone while in a relationship with you, it is a bad omen. You might think you have a relationship with her but you are actually the furthest thing from her mind, I assure you. And this has happened to me with my Russian ex fiance and American women so it doesn’t matter where she is from. There might be a slim chance that she’ll come back to you, but don’t keep yourself on edge. Assume the worst. If she comes back into your life then she has some serious making up to do with you. In Len’s case he tells Alina, flat-out, that he doesn’t trust her and ends the relationship. This is the first lesson I wanted to convey about Len and Alina’s story.

Second, your first meeting with her should be in her city. It doesn’t seem that Len did this. The videos on TLC’s website suggest that Alina lived in a village in Ukraine and they met in Lugansk. Granted Lugansk is still in Alina’s country but it is still not her city. This is important because you need to meet with her in her environment where she has family and other people who know her well. You can gather a lot about her character by seeing her interact with her local people. Even if you don’t understand a word you can glean a lot of impressions. Meeting her in her city would be such a value-added experience for your relationship that this should be a hard and fast rule. You will eventually end up in her city meeting her family while in a relationship with her, so it might as well be during your first meeting. Only spoiled gold-diggers will pressure you into meeting outside her city.

I hope that Len doesn’t give up after such a setback. He’s successful, in good shape and seems to have a nice personality. He shouldn’t have much problem finding another beauty in Ukraine or wherever he looks. Unfortunately, he happened to have ended meeting a spoiled brat but you can’t let some setbacks derail your search for love overseas.

The Learning Channel (TLC) has capitalized on their success of 90 Day Fiance and launched another season documenting the lives of 6 couples in which one of them has immigrated from a foreign country to marry an American citizen. I’m pleased to hear that this series is drawing some interest. The foreign bride phenomenon has been with us for a while and it’s good to raise some awareness on the issue.

This season features 6 couples and they seem to be a much more diverse group. Here are some of my impressions and what we can possibly learn from them during our own search for love abroad.

Danny (23) and Amy (21)

Danny is from Pennsylvania while Amy is from South Africa but they actually met in Australia on a bible study so they already seem to be well seasoned travelers despite their young age. Their religious beliefs preclude sex before marriage so Amy ends up living with one of Danny’s family members in a very rural area which Amy isn’t used to. She also very quickly gets introduced to Danny’s large family to the point that it’s obviously overwhelming for her.

I come from a very large family myself and have already thought about the day where I may have to introduce my fiance to them. I think that for her sake, family introductions should happen gradually. So, try to introduce her a few members at a time so she has an easier time getting acclimated. She’s already trying to get used to the new culture and throwing a large family at her may be a sensory overload. Amy seemed to deal with it very well which is a blessing. It’s probably because Amy comes from a large family herself and, as we see, they come to American in force! This couple seems to be getting off to a great start. They really seem to love each other and they married with the full support of both of their families and had a fantastic wedding.

Things were going so well that producers seemed to be looking for a source of drama and focused on Danny’s father who was skeptical about his son marrying a woman from another race. Amy has a little bit of an accent, but from outward appearances, she appears to be very caucasian. It didn’t seem to be that big of an issue and Danny’s father seemed to not dwell on it for very long before accepting Amy. How could he not? Amy is a beautiful girl with a warm personality, something that is missing in a lot of American women.

Justin (34) and Evelin (29)

Justin from San Jose, California met Evelin from Columbia during a rugby match at the World Games. It seemed to be love at first sight so it was a big surprise to Justin’s family when he announces to his family that he is engaged to a foreign woman. First, Justin’s family always knew Justin as a partying bachelor so many of his family were skeptical about this engagement being for real and regarding Evelin as a green card girl. Second, Justin didn’t seem to be handling the introductions very well. He pretty much ambushed them with the news at a family barbecue. Things weren’t off to a good start and Justin suggests to Evelin that they elope.

It’s at this point that Evelin begins to shine. Family is important to her and she insists that Justin’s family be included in their wedding, but she doesn’t do this in a confrontational way like an American woman would. She uses a lot of charm and finesse to convince him and her actions to, not only win over Justin to her point of view, but his entire family! Bravo! Would a green card girl care about family in this fashion if it was only about trying to get into the country? Immigrating to another country doesn’t just build character, it reveals it.

I hope Justin is thanking his lucky stars. I think this marriage will make it and it will be because of Evelin for the most part. Justin made a lot of mistakes when dealing with his family. You have to at least prepare them for the experience. Let them know that you are serious about a foreign girl so that it isn’t a huge shock when you introduce her to them. Danny might have overwhelmed Amy with his family but Justin went to far in the other extreme. There has to be a happy medium so that both families and fiance can adjust. I have written about not telling people that you are looking for a foreign bride because of the backlash you might have to endure, and I still believe this. But once you get serious with a girl and want to bring her to your country, you might want to give your friends and family a clue.

Chelsea (25) and Yamir (28)

In this case TLC flips the script and selects a couple where the foreign fiance is actually the guy who is marrying an American woman. They met at a concert in Nicaragua but it was Yamir that was the performer. He is the member of a popular boy group in Nicaragua called Myla Vox and gave up on his success to emigrate to America and marry Chelsea.

Yamir seems to have still planned on working with Myla Vox in some capacity while living in America, so he seems crushed when the group disbands and his manager and co-stars move on. He’s trying to go get a career in America started in Chicago which takes Chelsea out of her comfort zone and she begins to protest as American women tend to do when things don’t go their way. Chelsea needed to be reminded by her mother about how much Yamir gave up to be with her. I think this is the salient point that I need to make to foreign bride seekers. Your bride may not be a successful pop star like Yamir was but this doesn’t mean that she won’t be giving up a lot to be with you, so treat this decision she is making with respect.

Also, be mindful of language barriers. Yamir is probably the first fiance on this series who doesn’t speak very good English. Fortunately, Chelsea can speak fluent Spanish so it isn’t as big of an issue. But, for your fiance it may be a different story. How many of us Americans know a second language? Your fiance not knowing English is a very realistic possibility so be prepared for this.

Brett (31) and Daya (29)

Brett’s search online for a wife of traditional values takes him to the Philippines to meet Daya. Brett is your typical nice guy who was married and divorced but doesn’t seem to have many friends his own age. He ends up hanging around a group of older women and they share a home which seems very odd. Daya comes off a little spoiled initially, making Brett’s mother and friends a little suspicious that she is marrying him for the right reasons.

It was Brett’s daughter that seemed to turn things around. After a rough initial meeting, Daya begins bonding with Brett’s daughter and they become very attached. However, as the wedding day draws near, Brett’s mother still isn’t on board and it creates an argument between her and Daya that Brett has a difficult time mediating. The wedding ceremony goes ahead but Brett’s mother refuses to attend.

Brett is a nice guy but needs to show a little backbone. He seems to let events get out of control and puts up with a little too much when it comes to conflicts. The foreign bride search is harder than it looks and just because she finally arrives in America doesn’t mean your work is done. The relationship between Brett’s daughter and Daya may hold the marriage together for a time, but Brett really needs to step into his role as the man.

Jason (38) and Cassia (23)

Jason and Cassia met on Facebook which resulted in Jason flying to Brazil to meet her. There seemed to be enough chemistry for them to go through with the visa and immigration process, but frankly, I have difficulty seeing it half of the time. They both seem to be in their own little worlds and it might be due to the age difference–15 years!

That’s not to say that large age differences will doom a relationship, but it doesn’t always help. A lot of it is that it seems like they are in different stages in life. Cassia is a free spirit who seems like she hasn’t grown up yet. She speaks very directly and, if left alone for any length of time or doesn’t receive any attention, becomes very pouty and moody. In other words, she acts like a typical American woman. Jason, on the other hand, doesn’t have a personality that meshes very well with Cassia’s, he has a very traditional mind-set and probably sees himself as a father figure which causes him to look down on Cassia.

Jason also isn’t on a solid career path despite being almost 40 years old! He and his father live together and make money by going to estate sales and buying and selling goods and wares on the internet. This is going to create a lot of trouble ahead as he tries to make time for the attention-seeking Cassia. The search for a foreign bride costs more than you think so you need to have a solid career or employment in order to be successful in this search. Jason doesn’t have this which makes me skeptical that they are going to make it. Does he even have health insurance?

Jason’s friends give him some good advice and talk some sense into him during the bachelor party, but Jason strikes me as a type that does things his own way and I suspect that Cassia will bust his balls if she doesn’t get what she wants. This marriage might make it but there will be many ups and downs and Cassia may need to show more respect to Jason if this is to be successful. Guys, choose your brides wisely!

Danielle (41) and Mohamed (26)

Not a chance! This is the most mismatched couple I have seen in a long time. Mohamed makes the trip from his home in Tunisia to marry Danielle in Ohio. Once again we have a large age difference that may make things rocky, but this is the least of their problems. Danielle is a train-wreck. She has four children (where’s the father of these children, by the way?) living with her in an apartment. She loses her job as a social worker (how is that possible?) and things seem to spiral downwards from there.

Mohamed has to cope with a lot of skeptical family and friends of Danielle, and for a lot of good reasons. For one thing, Mohamed is an 8 on a scale of 1-10. He’s so good-looking that women in public are hitting on him. Women in the US won’t approach a guy unless he’s at least an 8 which puts him in the category of movie star looks. Danielle, on the other hand, is only a 2 on the looks scale. This discrepancy in looks is much too large for a relationship to work without compensating factors and these factors often boil down to money, which Danielle doesn’t have. In fact, Danielle needs Mohamed to start working as soon as possible just so she can keep the lights on in her apartment.

None of Danielle’s family and friends think the marriage is going to last, but the wedding goes ahead on a shoestring budget. Mohamed disappears for two weeks shortly afterwards, a time frame that surprises even me! A foreign spouse has to remain married to an American for about three years to get a green card, but it doesn’t seem like Mohamed has any intention of living with Danielle for any longer than he has to. When confronted by the producers, Mohamed pretty much declares that he will do what he wants. He’s probably counting down the days for his green card.

Let this be the lesson: Get your act together financially. Don’t think that a foreign bride will make all your problems disappear. In fact, it’ll get worse and break your heart. Second, have realistic expectations. If you’re lacking in the looks department like Danielle is, you’re not going to end up with a super model. Aim lower. You’ll still find a decent looking foreign girl who will be more than happy to meet you.

The second season of 90 Day Fiance is even better in my opinion. There were more couples with a lot more diversity with a couple of the couples showing how much things can go wrong in this process. You need to be careful and exercise caution. Danny and Amy and Justin and Evelin show how great the experience can be if you pick the right woman. Danielle and Mohamed can show how miserable things will be if you aren’t prepared and make the wrong choice. Choose wisely!

I’m not Tom Cruise in the literal sense, but I’m speaking metaphorically–and not about the man himself, but the character of Bill Harford that he played in the movie Eyes Wide Shut. EWS was one of Stanley Kubric’s greatest films. There’s been much written about the symbolism and themes portrayed in the movie, and one would have to watch it a few times to have it all sink in when the strong sexual content isn’t distracting you. However, I personally related to Tom Cruise’s character, a doctor named Bill Harford. Harford’s encounters in EWS resonate and parallels very well with my experiences in marriage and dating in America. I wonder if Kubric ever realized the cord he struck with me and a lot of other men in my situation.

The standard view of women is wrong

Like many American men, Bill Harford had a very naive view of women. As far as he knew, women desired commitment and security so there was no reason why he should ever be jealous of his wife, Alice, when he saw her dancing with another man at a Christmas party. Alice is bothered about his lack of jealousy and offended by his insinuation that she wouldn’t be sexually drawn to other men. “You’re quite sure of yourself, aren’t you?” Alice had said. Alice proceeds to burst Bill’s bubble by confessing that, not only did she think about having an affair with the man that she danced with at the Christmas party, but also with a naval officer that was staying at the same hotel they were at the previous summer. Bill has been emotionally wounded by this confession, and Alice continuing to describe her feelings involving the naval officer in exquisite detail is twisting the knife.

Women generally keep their mouths shut about such feelings because the men in their lives would only get upset and Bill is no exception. But to men in the pickup artist community, Alice’s reactions are completely understandable. Women desiring commitment and security is only a half-truth. They don’t desire this from any man, only alpha males. This explains why so many nice guys and beta males spend their nights alone despite demonstrating the willingness to provide that commitment and security. They’re not alphas. Alice’s reaction to Bill is rooted in her disgust with Bill’s lack of display of alpha behavior. He should be jealous enough to protect his mate and he wasn’t. In evolutionary psychology, this is called mate guarding.

You would think that despite these revelations, Alice would still respect Bill. Nope! Alice breaks into a laughing fit when Bill shares his views with her on her own fidelity but he attributes it to her being high on the marijuana they’ve been smoking. It becomes clear throughout the movie that Alice doesn’t respect Bill at all despite all his merits that should make him a good catch: financially secure, good looking, successful, well-connected, loyal, etc. Not only does she not respect him, but openly mocks him to his face while devoting her time to their daughter. Any married men that have found yourself in a similar situation, raise your hand. Thought so. Moving on.

Bill’s journey into the female psyche

Needless to say, Bill is angry. But he is called to the home of a patient that has recently died later in the evening before he and Alice can finish their conversation. His departure from his home in Central Park West takes him on an erotic journey that rattles him and entices him at the same time while slowly and utterly demolishing any preconceptions he might have about the sexual nature of men and women.

He arrives at his recently deceased patient’s home where his patient’s daughter attempts to seduce him despite her being engaged to another man. Bill declines the advance and dismisses it by attributing it to grief-induced lack of judgement. In this incident, Bill is still trying to remain noble and adhering to his ethics as a doctor and a married man.

Bill later encounters a group of men while walking in the street who are crudely describing a recent trip to a strip club or recent sexual encounter when they accuse Bill of being gay and bully him. Bill is genuinely puzzled by the encounter. Considering that I’ve been bullied on a number of occasions, it was obvious to me that some men try to build alpha credibility by bullying others and bragging about sexual conquests. Women tend to have more sexual interest with such men. Men who don’t are accused of being gay and Bill must have subconciously telegraphed this vibe. Bill is most assuredly not alpha material.

Bill later encounters a prostitute named Domino who offers to take him to her apartment for some fun. At this point we see Bill starting to abandon his principles. He is also still mad at Alice and figures some revenge sex might be appropriate. We also see throughout the movie that Bill is used to using his professional credentials and generous gratuity to get what he wants out of life, so paying a prostitute seems to be right up his ally. However, it appears this is his first time hiring a prostitute because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and it’s making things awkward in her apartment. Domino is nice enough to talk him through it, but before things go too far, Bill gets a call from Alice. He lies to Alice about where he is at, but is now overwhelmed with guilt and decides not to go through with having sex with Domino. He pays her anyway for her time.

Bill visits with an old friend that is playing piano at a night club. Bill discovers that his friend has a gig later that night, but it’s in a secret place. Bill’s interest is raised further when his friend lets slip that there are attractive women there looking to hook up. Bill presses his friend for enough information about the time and place since he believes he can infiltrate the event with a costume and mask since he has already heard the password. At this point of Bill’s journey he is actively seeking a sexual encounter instead of being a passive recipient of sexual offers. I’m thinking that Bill is aroused at this point after two aborted sexual encounters so whatever guilt he has is easily being supressed as he keeps dwelling on what Alice has told him.

Bill goes to a shop to rent a costume that was owned by one of his patients only to find that it has been a while since they last spoke and discovers that somebody else owns the shop. The merchant is willing to open his store in the middle of the night when Bill offers to pay extra. But their transaction is briefly interrupted when the merchant discovers that his daughter is fooling around with two Asian men. Since his daughter is underage, the merchant detains them until he finishes helping Bill so that he can call the police. The daughter flirts with Bill before the merchant angrily sends her to bed. Bill doesn’t know what to make of the incident. He certainly won’t try to chase after the daughter of an angry merchant and he’s in a rush to get to the secret party so he quickly forgets about it.

Then things get weird. Bill arrives at the party’s location after a long taxi ride. He gains entry simply enough and finds himself attending a pseudoreligious ceremony with other people in costumes and masks. The masks don’t prevent a couple of the attendees from noticing Bill (perhaps because he’s wearing a costume that they don’t recognize from previous parties), but they don’t seem to do anything about it. The women then disrobe during the ceremony and pair off with the men to start an orgy. One of the women chooses Bill. She apparently notices that he doesn’t belong there either and tries to get him to leave. But she is distracted by another attendee and Bill’s curiosity keeps him at the party. Bill only remains long enough to enjoy the view before getting ceremoniously ejected from the party with a warning that harm can come to him and his family if he speaks about what he saw. Bill is in an environment where sex is given away freely and the most erotic fantasies a man can think of are being played out before his eyes. But he doesn’t get to participate. I can’t picture him feeling any guilt at all at this stage from such a sensory overload.

Bill finally gets home, but gets no sympathy or sexual release from his wife. In fact, he finds her giggling in the middle of a dream she is having in which many men are having sex with her while Bill looks on–much like Bill was looking on at the party he was just thrown out of. If he was angry before, this should make him furious, but is it only a dream, or are Alice’s true desires bubbling to the surface from her subconcious?

The next day, Bill tries to find his friend pianist the following morning at the local hotel to discover from the attendant at the main desk that his friend checked out really early in the morning and left no messages. The attendant also happens to be gay and flirts with Bill. This is the second time Bill is mistaken for being gay.

Bill returns his costume (but seems to have lost the mask) and discovers the merchant on friendly terms with the two Asian men he had threatened to have arrested for fooling around with his daughter. It seems that the merchant pimps out his daughter and was probably upset that they were trying to have sex with her for free. He offers her to Bill for the right price, but sex with a minor seems to be too much for Bill and he declines.

Bill actively tries to reach out to the daughter of his deceased patient and the prostitute Domino who were sexually receptive the previous night. However, the daughter is with her fiance and Domino’s roommate informs him that Domino is HIV positive. So it’s a no-go. He also tries to revisit the place of the previous night’s orgy only to be rebuffed with a second warning. One of Bill’s wealthy patients contacts him and tells him that he was also at that party and saw everything that happened. He reiterates that Bill shouldn’t inquire anymore into the matter, or he can be in serious trouble.

Bill returns home to discover the missing mask he had rented with his costume placed next to his sleeping wife. He is overwhelmed with guilt and confesses everything that has happened to Alice. Alice feels that the best way to move on is to consider everything that happened the past couple of days as a dream and “to fuck as soon as possible“

Bill completes his erotic journey within a day, but for me it took many years. Apparently, I was a slow learner. It’s not that I found myself attending orgies or having underage girls hitting on me. My journey was largely a symbolic one but very similar to Bill’s. I shared the same naive views of women that Bill did in the beginning of EWS. I believed that women were naturally loyal and sought monogamy, companionship and security in their relationships because this was what I was taught from my family and even other girls that I was acquainted with. Women were just waiting for a guy like me to rescue them from the lecherous, over-sexed jerks that they were dating–so I’ve been told. So I invested time into my studies so that I can be a success and provide for a girl while playing the nice guy card a lot. Of course, women still rejected me to sleep around with the jerks, but it was explained to me that they had low self-esteem. These were just pretty lies and I was in denial about it for a long time because I wanted to believe it.

My journey

You see, I complained a lot in high school of my apparent lack of companionship from the opposite sex that claimed that they all wanted nice guys, and I wasn’t aiming out of my league either. Since the first day I started high school, I knew where my place was in the hierarchy. I knew that all the beautiful girls went after the football players and the guys that had cars. I was aiming lower at girls that I thought I had a shot with, but it was still not to be. I was rebuffed, mocked, teased and even accused of being gay when trying to express sensitivity–which was everything that Bill Harford experienced in EWS.

College wasn’t any better and I was getting the distinct impression that I was being lied to about the nature of women. I wasn’t holding on to the idea that sex was only for marriage, but I still was taught or indoctrinated with the idea that sex was for a committed relationship and that the burden was on me to demonstrate such a commitment. This wasn’t the case at all. Sex after the first date, or even sex without dating was the norm (not the exception). But the apparent ease of sex wasn’t a benefit in college that was enjoyed by all. In college, sexual activity roughly conformed to the 80/20 rule. That means 80% of the sex was being had by only 20% of the people. This means the alpha groups of each gender and this alpha status had little to do with traits such as sensitivity, romance and stability. But much like Bill at the secret orgy, I saw people hooking up at parties and experimenting with all sorts of kinky activities, but I was excluded from participating. This experience (or lack thereof) was quite an eye-opener for me. It’s as if there was a conspiracy to exclude me from these activities or any sort of companionship whatsoever, much like how Bill felt at the orgy in EWS.

Before anybody jumps on my case to suggest that my situation was unique or that there’s something wrong with me, I suggest to you that my time at college was during the mid to late 90’s where the internet was starting to emerge and gain widespread use. Communities were forming online and one of them involved men who were as frustrated with the dating scene as I was. They started comparing notes and tried to figure out how to capture a woman’s heart and desire. They basically tossed out everything they thought they knew about women or what they have been told, deconstructed woman’s behavior, made observations, formed hypothesis, tried them in social settings and reported the results. A lot of what they found would seem to mesh with what Alice was trying to tell Bill in EWS. Hence Game, in its modern form, was born!

I didn’t know about the emerging Game community on the internet at the time. Despite my setbacks in college, I did manage to meet a girl and married her shortly after I graduated. She was a Plain Jane but was very friendly and kind to me and I thought this was the best I could hope for. But within a couple of years, sex no longer interested her. There was other issues in our marriage but they are beyond the scope of this article. But you can imagine my frustration that I couldn’t even get sex in marriage! Bill Harford at least still got to have sex with Alice at the end of EWS!And even a Plain Jane like my wife couldn’t be a solid marriage partner in a lot of other respects so I divorced her after 5 years of marriage. Before anybody condemns my decision to divorce, you should note that women initiate most divorces in the US and for a lot flimsier reasons. Fortunately, there were no children or else I might need to hang on to a loveless marriage for their sake. I got lucky as far as divorces go.

Dating post divorce wasn’t any better. I was still getting rejected by women despite me being on a solid career path and owning my own home. Single mothers were interesting in me as long as I understood that I was second fiddle compared to their kids. Some of the mothers would call their sons little man–something I find to be a little creepy so I was never comfortable with the situation. Other women were what I would call reformed sluts. They were the ones that slept around when they were younger but now their biological clock is ticking and they realize that they need to behave to find a good man. This makes sense to them but not to me because they are making me jump through hoops for something that they used to give away freely to other men when they were younger. No dice. Strange as it sounds I was involved in some groups online and was invited to an orgy! I was tempted to go in the hope of getting something started until I learned that the women there were 40-50 year old fat girls–nowhere near the type that were in the orgy scene in EWS. Pass.

If it sounds like I’m picky now, it’s because I have to be. I’ve grown older and wiser and my standards have been raised accordingly. In retrospect, the best opportunity a woman had to snatch me up was when I was young and stupid but they decided to make out or spread their legs for somebody else. I still look for the serious relationship and serious commitment and I’m willing to give marriage another try. But it won’t be in the US. My eyes are no longer eyes wide shut!