(Closed) failing relationship??

So he’s 28 and I’m 21and I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but its been a month since we’ve taken time out for each other let alone connected. I feel horrible for asking for intimacy all the time but we don’t really spend time together anymore since he works midnights. His excuse is always that he’s either too tired or sore. He just comes home and sleeps until its time to get up for work. Am I just being selfish or should I be concerned? For those who work midnights what do you do to make sure your significant other doesn’t feel alone? And for those who have a significant other who works midnights how do you make your voice heard?

I am sorry you are going through this.Sex isn’t everything but it really is important.

Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? Was your sex life pretty active in the past or has it always been like this (or goes in phases)? If he has a low sex drive, there’s a myriad of reasons why that could be..the ones I can think of are stress, new meds, tiredeness etc..has his work schedule always been like this?

I think you should be concerned. The lack of sex or lack of attraction on his part may be a symptom of something else going on in the relationship. As in, perhaps he is having second thoughts, or something of that sort. I do have to say that your age difference is rather significant. You’re both in different life stages.

OmbreBee: I have tried talking to him but he just throws a fit and says its the only thing I care about. He’s been on midnights since October now. But even before then its just been hectic. When we were first together we couldn’t keep our hands off one another then all of a sudden it became 2 times or less a week. Right before he switched to midnights he had a spurt and it was like we had just started dating again. Thing is I seen it coming and I even told him and he brushed it off like it was nothing. I actually worry that he’s getting tired of having the same thing to be intimate with. Tired of me.

My FI works on call for the railroad and works 12 hour days and often goes out of town. Needless to say, we often go in cycles of not seeing each other for extended periods and we live together! With that said, we sometimes will go a month or longer without getting intimateBecause of ouR schedules. We don’t view this as loving each other any less or having issues. It’s just life getting in the way. We understand this though.

If you are that concerned that it is meaning something other than him working hard and is tired… Talk to him! There is nothing wrong with bringing up your concerns in a CALM, RATIONALE, manor. Preferably after he has slept. Not before.

ScorpioGirl93: hmm.. I bet it’s not very comforting when your SO throws a fit whenever you voice your concerns. It’s not fair that you can’t voice how you are feeling as it is affecting you and the relationship. Moreover, it would hurt my feeling if my guy dismisses my concerns by “brushing” them off.

I think it is normal for most couples to have lots of intimacy at first and for things to progressively decrease. However, not having sex at all for a month it’s somewhat concerning. He is probably adjusting to the new routine/schedule but he does have to let you know why he is not seeking/wanting intimacy. It’s unfair to you that you have to be guessing what on earth it’s going on and if it’s something you are doing.

If he is unwilling to talk and listen to you, maybe write him a letter annd express that by rejecting you it makes you feel bad and ask him why he has not been seeking intimacy.

OmbreBee: He is not the affectionate type really and we rarely fight at all (mostly because I drop the subject before it escalates). He does apologize if he knows he did something wrong. However, the other day I had a breakdown because I’m so stressed and he shouted at me to stop crying. That only made things worse (like telling someone not to smile). To make a long story short he left and his mother and sister came over to calm me down. On our good days when he manages to get up 30 minutes before work we laugh and carry on like we’re best friends.

I remember hearing a comment or quote of someone saying.. When sex isn’t an issue it only matters for 10% of the relationship, bjt when its bad its 90%. I used to work nights (and will likely start again) and my SO works a VERY unsteady schedule and is out of town when he works. We feel more connected when we are intimate, so we make it a priority. It’s our own little unwritten rule that at some point during the day we are gonna make time for sex. Sometimes its planned, usually spontaneous. It sounds like, for you, sex is just one of many issues :/ his unwillingness to hear your concerns is a bigger issue.

ScorpioGirl93: I agree with Jamie90, the fact that he is so unwilling to hear your concerns is a bigger issue. So rude and insensitive of him to ask you to stop crying when you were feeling stressed out! He is supposed to comfort you in situations like this. Has this happened before where his sister/mom had to come in and console you?

OmbreBee: There has been one incident where is mother has had to come over and put him in his place. His mother and I are very close so she basically knows everything that’s going on between us. Except I’ve not gone to her for advice about this.

I work all sorts of shifts as a nurse, and as much as I love my FI, a lot of times I really am just exhausted and my mind is occupied thinking about work that I just am not in the mood. We’ve had conversations about it, sometimes he gets self-conscious, but I am being honest when I tell him I’m too tired. Gived him the benefit of the doubt

ScorpioGirl93: Hi, cop wife here and my FI used to work midnights every 3rd month. Shift work is HARD. People who don’t work the midnight shift don’t really understand how messed up your circadiam rythim can get and how hard it is on the body

Fact of the matter is you need to set aside some time for sex but you also need to cut him some slack. I really don’t think its cheating in your case. It sounds like he is just suffering with the midnight shift. You seemed to be really focused on how midnight shift is affecting YOU – what about your FI?

I know when I am exhausted sex is the LAST thing I want. Neither ofyou seem to be handling this well. Is there an option for him to switch shifts?

Also- if there isn’t- you need to accept that things are different now and find a new ‘normal’ Its hard, trust me I get it but this is still sort of new for you both so you are in a transition period. Be patient and see if (once he settles into the shift/ he can get a routine down ) things improve.