January 01, 2015

Well then. December 31st has come and gone, and yet here I am with a new post. I'm pushing back my own deadline, a choice that I am sure is no surprise to you.

When I asked for ideas on what to blog about in the closing days of SortaCrunchy, I had no idea the upheaval that December would bring. I have to avoid specifics in order to protect the privacy of people that I love, but just know that a person who is very dear to me underwent a painful personal crisis and the reverberating effect on my life was unexpectedly huge. And because I am such a F-E-E-L-E-R type (like, seriously, the F in ENFP is off the charts), I found it was all I could do to keep my head above water and do the things of December while I processed the feelings of what was happening around me. So. The blog stayed quiet. Again.

It's probably for the best, I suppose, because so many of the questions you offered to me are so fantastic that I am saving them for my still-in-the-works podcast, but a few of you asked questions along the lines of why are you leaving blogging and how did you know it was time?

These are pretty easy to answer, actually, although if we were having coffee and you asked me these questions, I'd probably fill hours of your time with my many, many words on the matter. But it's New Year's Day and you have better things to do, so I'll try to reign it in.

Some decisions in life are a slow burn, things you ponder and muse for a while before you choose the path you want to take. Others are a thunderclap, a bolt from overhead, a thing you suddenly know and then there is no way to un-know it. That's exactly how this decision was for me. Sure, from time to time through the past eight years, I've thought, "what if I walked away from all of this?" I think most people who work online entertain that question from time to time. This was different. I remember exactly where I was sitting in my house when I just knew. It's time to close SortaCrunchy.

As my family has grown, my life has expanded, and the list of things I need to be free to do in order to lead my family and run my home has never been longer. And then, too, the list of things I need to do to be a good blogger, to keep up with my peers, to create work that I'm proud of and that is meaningful to someone, to stay afloat in this sea of voices, well, it's never been longer as well.

And so, as they say, something's gotta give. And for now, it's blogging.

Blogging has been an incredible gift to me. I've documented some of my favorite moments of family life here. I will always, always treasure this medium for that. I've met amazing people, and I've put my face down on the floor more than once in utter humility and disbelief that any of the words I've put together here have meant anything to anyone. What a joy, what a thrill, what a blessing (in the purest sense of the word) the past eight years have been to me. Glory.

I think that should be my final word, actually. Just, glory. My heart is so full.

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A constant presence in my writing is my husband Kyle. I've written a bit here and there about our marriage, but he is an intensely private person, and I've tried to thoughtfully honor that through the years. He surprised me today when, after I told him I was writing my final real post here, he wrote down his own thoughts on the end of this era in my life. These words are precious and tender to me, and it is with his permission that I share them today:

This current dawn of a new year, like the many others before it, brings with it much conversation, internal and actual, related to change. Having followed Megan’s foray into the Myers-Briggs stuff, you may be examining how your personality type is shaping your feelings about this annual rebirth. I give a shout out to my fellow INTJ’s who look upon this time of year with ambivalence and have purposed to make no changes in a show of solidarity against the cornucopia of inauthentic and empty words offered up by the masses in celebration of nothing more profound than numbers on a clock changing, just as they have been doing for the previous 364. I joke, of course.

Knowing the power that an event like a new year has to the ENFP (Megan), however, I choose this day to put aside personal and feelings, no matter how correct I believe my self to be, and to instead take a moment to celebrate my beloved.

Many years ago, Megan started the process of translating the internal to print and sharing it with others. As I look back over the years of words, I want to be the first to say thank you to Megan. I don’t agree with everything ever written. Certainly there have been times when quite the opposite was true, and I have no doubt that even in rare the instance that I had the wisdom and fortitude to hold my tongue, that my silence still spoke loudly. Mostly unspoken all these years, yet still very true, is that even through periodic disagreement, I have always been her number one fan-boy. I’ve not assumed this title from a sense of obligation but from a real appreciation for that represented by her words which transcends my ability and decision to either agree or disagree with her point of view in the moment. What I appreciate is that over these many years, Megan has used her print to share with me, and you as well, the journey of her life, her heart and her mind. I cannot count the times that I’ve read her words, better understood her intellectual position and heart on a topic and experienced personal maturation and improvement as a result.

Megan is many things to many people. Her intelligence, wit and passion are special things, enjoyed by me in a mostly unspoken sense, because that’s what we loved ones do – we enjoy without speaking, or at least without speaking enough. On this dawn of a new day, a new year and a new season of life, I choose to be more verbal in my support and appreciation and to say, thank you. Thank you, Megan, for sharing you with me both in the day to day and through your writing. As this old season ends and the blog moves from present to past, I look forward to your many nexts.

You can imagine it was through many tears that I read those words from him, and I am unspeakably grateful for him. No one in my life has supported my writing and hopes and dreams the way he has, and I assure you that if it weren't for him, there never would have been SortaCrunchy or Spirit-Led Parenting or so many of the other things I never would have had the courage to take on without his confidence in me.

* * * * *

Tomorrow marks eight years since I pushed Publish for the first time on the blog. I'll be back with one last short post with a few words on how we can stay connected going forward from here. I love y'all. And I mean that with my whole entire heart.

December 02, 2014

Amazon sent me an email in October with the headline “The countdown to Black Friday.” I deleted it. I did not want to think about Black Friday before Halloween. I do not, actually, want to think about gift shopping at all.

Last week I took my daughter to Toys’R’Us for a set of knee and elbow pads before we took her scooter to the park and just walking through the store left me with an elevated heart rate and a headache. At the end of every other aisle there was a video screen running a product demo on loop. Character-branded products spilled from shelves and were piled up in extra displays so we had to zig-zag around them. My 3-year old was their targeted audience and she succumbed completely. “Mama, what is this? Can we buy it? Please?”

My senses were totally overwhelmed. I felt assaulted.

There are certain places I try to avoid all year - the perfume counter of a department store, anywhere extreme sports videos are blaring from TVs, and stores where food samples are being handed out. My senses are sensitive http://www.nurturedmama.net/5-secrets-of-an-introverted-mother/, and when they overwhelmed I shut down. It takes me hours to recover. I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and shopping takes it out of me in the best of times. Holiday season is not the best of times.

I know I’m not the only person who experiences this!

So how do you handle gift shopping, or really any shopping, when the retail holiday engine starts rolling? Here are some tips to navigating holiday season shopping when you are a highly sensitive person:

Plan Ahead

Going into a store and trying to keep track of your mental shopping list with distractions buzzing all around you is a recipe for disaster.

Instead, set aside some time in a comfortable spot to make your shopping list. Group items by where you need to shop for them. You might also want to sketch out a budget, which will help you avoid those “Get me out of this store!” impulse buys. Bring your list with you on every outing.

Shop Online

As much as I prefer to support my local community, during the holiday season I turn to the internet. Look over your gift and think about what you can order online.

Be creative with this! You don’t have to shop only on Amazon. Your local stores may have an online shop presence, and would arrange for you to pick up your order instead of shipping it. Also, check out handmade shopping networks like Etsy for unique items. You can even use Etsy’s shop local filter to find makers right in your back yard. I found some great gifts this way last year!

Make It Easier

• Shop during off hours - early on weekend mornings or mid-day during the week are usually good times.

• Only go to one or two stores in a day.

• Ask store staff for help finding items so you can get done faster.

Think about all the variables that raise your anxiety and get as many of them under your control as possible.

This may take a little more time and planning, but will make you far less crazy in the long run.

Know Your Triggers

Some HSPs are sensitive to noise, others to smells, others to crowds. Some are all three, or more. Pay attention to what bothers you most and try to avoid the situations that will put you face to face with those triggers.

If you feel your anxiety rising, be willing to walk away. Remember that gift-giving should be a joyful thing. If the process is making you less than joyful, back up and try something else (see below for some alternative gift ideas that don’t involve stores!). Or just come back later when you can control more of the variables.

Set Boundaries

This is a method I use whenever I go into any store with my daughter, who is easily distracted (just like her mama). Before we even get out of the car, we talk about what we are going to buy and what behavior I expect from her, as well as what the consequences will be if her behavior goes out of control.

It is a method that is really well used on myself, too. If I’m going into a store for one thing, I remind myself of that before I go in. I give myself permission to walk out if I begin feeling overwhelmed and panicky. If I have a budget, I review it before I get in line to make sure that what’s in my basket is going to keep me within it.

Avoid The Shopping

If the idea of shopping makes you want to cancel Christmas altogether, think about alternate ways to give gifts that feel better for you.

• Make gifts by hand. Making gifts is one of my favorite things about Christmas. But even if you are only a little crafty, there are things you can make. Check out my handmade gift Pinterest board for ideas.

• Reduce your gift list. Gift overwhelm is a topic I cover in my annual class, 21 Days to a Peaceful Holiday If holiday gift giving feels out of control in your life, consider reducing the number of people on your list. I especially love the Want-Need-Wear-Read guideline for large families.

• Consider alternate gifts. I recently found a old post on Life Your Way with great ideas for clutter-less gifts (which are also shopping-less gifts). Think about what you have and others need. Can you give the gift of time to a friend who needs help with a big project? Maybe offer new parents a night off by offering to take care of their kids? Last year I made a pack of “coupon” slips for my guy, which included taking over bedtime when it wasn’t my turn, foot rubs, and special meal requests. Also look into charitable organizations like Heifer International, where you can make a donation in someone’s name, which can feel really good for both of you.

Holiday shopping doesn’t have to feel like running a marathon with wild animals chasing you (is that just me?). With a little attention and planning, you can lower the stress and even rekindle the joy of giving.

Doña Bumgarner is a sensitive mama to a sensitive 3-year old. She lives on the Central Coast of California with her partner and their collection of cats and chickens. She blogs about creative self care for mothers at Nurtured Mama. Join her for 21 Days to a Peaceful Holiday starting on December 1, where she will help you fill your holiday celebrations with intention, joy, and presence.