Your server works for tips.

Joe MacLeod

Hey Baltimore, so I read in the paper the other day, The Baltimore Sun, the daily one, if you will, that our elected Mayor, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, is now guilty, allegedly, of spending Public Money to buy snacks and non-alco-beverages for people in her Baltimore Football RavensSkybox to the tune of $2,920.52. The reporter Luke Broadwater (if that is his real name) reporter-ed:

At eight Ravens games during the 2010 season and a 2011 U2 concert, Rawlings-Blake and her guests, who included friends, family and political allies, spent an average of about $325 a game.

Now I dunno if that is Tax Included, but look, you can get like 20, 24 people in a skybox, so if you divide that $325 by, let’s say 24 Skyboxers, because, c’mon it’s the fucking Ravens games, man, you know it’s gonna be packed, in fact, I bet extra people scammed their way into the Skybox, seriously, but anyway, 24 Skyboxees goes into $325 worth of food and no-fun drink $13.5416666666667 times, so that’s $13.54 if you round it up, I think. Let’s call it $13.50, OK? Here are more Specific details in re the alleged Betrayal of The Public Coffers or whatever:

My only beef tenderloin with this thing would be if they didn’t tip on the Full Amount, the $1,200, instead of the $286. This goes for All Citizens of the City of Baltimore, when you go out and your bartender dukes you a round or your food server throws an extra appetizer on the table, put that in the total when you go to figure your tip, OK? Your server works for tips. The freebies are Officially Sanctioned by the establishment to get you to like them, and it’s completely up to the Kind Attentions of your server to deal one to you, and the way you show your Appreciation is to remember to tip on it, OK? And another thing, don’t be a cheapskate and tip on the Pre-Tax amount either. Show some class and tip on the whole tab.

Anyway, I dunno if people would eat more or less at a football game than if they were at a U2 show, but probably people would wanna get wasted at U2, so I bet there was probably less drinking of soda pop or whatever and more Cash Bar action, I bet. I mean, I am just assuming some sorta Cash Bar setup inside the Skybox, because I don’t think it’s easy to get out of the Skybox and down to the place where they sell beer? Well, maybe it’s easy. I have never been to a Ravens Skybox, but I totally would go if somebody invited me, and in fact I would like to take this opportunity to let Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake know I voted for her, and I support her in this (alleged) matter and I would totally be down for being invited (with a plus-one) to her next Skybox, but not Pre-Season, I would like to be at a Regular Season game. In fact, after looking at the announced lineup for the 2012 Baltimore Ravens schedule, I would prefer to be invited to the People’s Skybox (plus-one) when the Ravens are hosting Bitter Divisional Rival Pittsburgh Steelers, or possibly the New England Patriots, so I can yell at Supermodel Gisele Bündchen (who is the wife of the Quarterback of the Patriots) if she is there. She said after that game where the Patriots lost the Super Bowl her husband cannot be expected to throw the ball and catch it also, and I would simply take the opportunity to holler at her that I am in agreeance with her statement, because even though I was not “rooting” for her team, I think her husband did the best he could while others on his team were dropping the ball and others not on the team were intercepting his thrown ball. Hey, here’s the exact Quote of Supermodel Gisele Bündchen:

“You have to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot . . . throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

That quote was in the Los Angeles Times, which is part of the bankrupted company that also owns the Baltimore The Sun, so I also support that Daily Newspaper, even though they put “. . .” for a certain Word we are free to employ here in the pages of Baltimore’s Free-est Alternative Weekly, so here’s that quote again in the form in which Nature and Supermodel Gisele Umlaut intended:

“You have to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

Anyway, c’mon, $13.50 a piece for guests in the People’s Skybox? This is a big deal? Seriously? I am sure there is a Reasonable Explanation for this, right? And if there isn’t, the Mayor should just pay the tab and let’s move on.

At the same time, I think this (alleged) stealing is a good story for the Baltimore The Sun, a “scoop” if you will (and I’m serious about the tipping, hey, let’s see some Reportering on that, in the Skybox, Baltimore Sun, OK?), and it is important that We The People of Baltimore, America, have a Daily Newspaper that reports on stuff like this, even if it turns out to be a perfectly explainable instance of Official Corruption, and not a Crime or anything, and therefore Boring, but it is good that Our Fair City’s so-called Paper of Record goes and Records this stuff, because we need to keep our Elected Officials in line, even if they didn’t do anything, they need to be in constant Mortal Fear of fucking up and getting kicked out of office. I approved this message. And Her Honor Mayor SR-B, I would please also take Raiders Skybox tickets if you have any. Plus-one.