And so it begins…

I am aware that the arrival of my exciting movie blog has been hotly anticipated, et voila here it is! I’m going for a generic Academy Awards review to break my blog virginity, so you can quit the window now, go ahead I don’t care, they’re all the same anyway. Anyway who knows, if this goes well in ten years’ time I could find myself writing in the movie section for the National Enquirer, but fingers crossed.

Apologies for the lateness of the article, but I managed to successfully avoid the results of the Oscars, and therefore Twitter and Facebook, for two days before watching it. Get your excuses in early.

Apart from Alex Zane appearing on the British coverage of the Oscars far too much (envy: punishable by decapitation in Se7en), the whole show was rather impressive. Seth MacFarlane, despite his relatively negative critics since, shone under the spotlight with his marvellous, monotonous American accent and Hollywood smile. He didn’t fail to show off his assets, performing a few songs and dances with Harry Potter, Robin (not Rodney Trotter) and erm… Magic Mike in the opening twenty minutes. William Shatner’s appearance in the opening, although ‘fun’ and light-hearted, seemed poorly received by the star-studded audience, Jack Nicholson in his ominous shades looked less than impressed in the front row. MacFarlane recovered from the mediocre beginning and Family Guy-like ‘Boobs Song’ and dance, to tell some edgy LOLATRON jokes. Having rooted for ol’ Seth since the announcement that he would be presenting, I was more than satisfied with his overall performance, he’ll sleep well tonight knowing I said that.

The Supporting Actor category was well contested this year, proven by the fact that the likes of Robert De Niro in Silver Linings and Alan Arkin in “Argofuckyourself” missed out to Christopher Waltz. He did, ultimately, deserve it, although if he makes a wet speech dedicated to his God Tarantino every time he wins an award hopefully he won’t win many more. One could say that his role in his respective film was much more prominent than De Niro’s and Arkin’s, but his role still warranted his second Oscar for that category.

I’m going to do what most people are too scared to do and skip the boring awards that nobody cares about by the way, hopefully this will give me an ‘edgy’ profile and people will eventually worship me like they do His Lordship Tarantino.

The Best Original Song, thankfully, went to Paul Epworth and Adele’s Skyfall, giving James Bond its first Academy Award win since 1965. This was preceded by live performances of Skyfall and Goldfinger by Adele and Dame Shirley Bassey respectively. Despite being a 50th year anniversary, only these songs and a short montage really celebrated 007’s movie career, disappointing some Bond fans who expected a reunion of the chosen ones to have played the MI6 agent. However, I’m not sure America’s populace would have been too impreshed with Sean Connery’s acshent.

The cast of Les Misérables arrived to sing a compilation of songs from the multi-nominated film, which was pleasant. Russell Crowe still looked as dissatisfied as ever playing that role, but amazingly all their voices seem to gel so well together and it was as good as it was in the film.

Best Original Screenplay was presented to sloppy, self-praising Tarantino who effectively wrote a comic-book and turned it into a film which has been as highly praised as the Emperor’s New Clothes. Though his cast was exceptional as he said so himself, this must have played no small part in the film’s astounding success.

Following a well-made Sound of Music joke from Seth MacFarlane, Christopher Plummer presented the Best Supporting Actress Award to Anne Hathaway for her role in The Dark Knight Rises. No? Les Misérables? Was she even in that?! Oh well, she looked nice anyway so let her keep it.

Thankfully, Best Actress was presented to Jennifer Lawrence by an amusing Jean Dujardin (who I’m sure was portrayed by Russell Crowe in Les Mis). Another good performance from a surprisingly good film, Jennifer Lawrence became the five-thousandth person to win an Oscar for playing someone with mental disabilities. Her fall on the way up to the stage prompted a new favourite of mine, Hugh Jackman, to run to her assistance like the gentleman he proved he is in revolutionary Les Mis.

*MERYL STREEP AT OSCARS KLAXON*

Meryl Streep presented Daniel-Day Lewis with his record breaking third Best Actor award for his role in Spielberg’s Lincoln. Another well contested award, but it seemed common knowledge that he would collect it anyway. Lewis, being the intense guy he is, studied many books for reports on what Lincoln’s voice sounded like, before putting it into practice himself. He did a remarkable job.

Best Film. I was surprised that out of the nominees, I only didn’t catch two of them (Beasts… and Amour), so I think I can say that, although it has been widely reported as one of the greatest contests ever for the award, it simply wasn’t. They were all good films, not quality, but good nonetheless. Maybe they were all as good as each other, which is why they were so well matched. Anyway, a previously disgruntled Ben Affleck (did not take too kindly to a Seth MacFarlane joke) seemed satisfied enough with his Argo win, as was I, so it’s a win win. Thankfully the gent that is George Clooney was able to grace our screens again for his role as Producer in Argo. What a hero.

In summary

First time ever I agree with the results.

Affleck deprived of Best Director.

Affleck is a kill joy.

Hugh Jackman deserved an award for his sheer manners.

Seth MacFarlane was good, but seemed flattened by the dead audience.

Downey-Junior and Samuel L. Jackson’s cameos were top notch. As was Jack Nicholson’s, acting royalty right there.

You don’t get enough time/space to write about actual films in Oscar-related articles.

I can’t wait to go to Elton John’s next after party (no homo).

Special mention for Bradley Cooper, as I like him, but found no reason to include him in the article.