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Monday, October 15, 2012

Tips on taking the Demon Test

Dear Screwtape,

I was wondering if I should
take Bob Larson’s Demon Test. I, along with some other fledging devils,
recently took possession of a retired kindergarten teacher in Florida. Should
we make her take the test?

If so, how should we make her
answer the questionnaire? It doesn’t seem to occur to Rev. Larson that a
demoniac might lie on the test. Doesn’t he realize that demons are congenital
liars?

Sincerely,

Wormwood

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Dear Wormwood,

Thanks for your inquiry. Yes,
Larson seems to be pretty gullible for an exorcist and countercult specialist.
I mean, if a respondent really were possessed, how could Larson trust him to
answer truthfully? But we can turn his credulity to our advantage.

Mind you, if I were a cynical
demon, I’d suspect that Larson is just a scam artist who’s trying to con simple
believers out of their greenbacks. But I’m too idealistic to impute such venal
motives to this great man of God.

Sincerely,

Screwtape

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Dear. Screwtape,

Thanks for the suggestion.
You’re such a sly devil!

You said we should exploit
Larson’s gullibility. How do you propose we do that?

Sincerely,

Wormwood

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Dear Wormwood,

Use the Demon Test as a
set-up to expose Larson as a greedy charlatan and shameless opportunist. Feed
him the answers he wants to hear. Play him for a chump.

Arrange an “exorcism” with
his ditzy daughters. Make sure someone’s there with a digital camcorder.

His bimbo girls have never
confronted a real live demon. They are just play-acting. They don’t have the
slightest inkling what it’s like to actually come face-to-face with the dark
side.

Give them the real thing,
complete with poltergeist effects. Flying furniture. Hellhounds. Red eyes glowing
in the dark. Freak lightning strikes. A Carmina Burana soundtrack playing in
the background. The works!

Scare the living daylights
out of them. Then when they run screaming from the room, upload the whole scene
on YouTube.

Sincerely,

Screwtape

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Dear Screwtape,

Thanks for the helpful
advice. Larson is such a tool! It’s unwitting dupes like him who encourage
unbelievers mock the very existence of the devil by making the whole thing seem
utterly ridiculous. That enables us to fly under the radar.