Peter: [reenacting Gethsemane] and then I turned and killed another Roman soldier like this [exaggerated kung-fu kick] and then the other centurion was like PREPARE TO DIE and then I was like COME AND GET ME and then-

Matthew: dude that never happened

Peter: yeah but I cut a dude’s ear off

James: there were Roman soldiers everywhere and the person you chose to attack was a servant boy

Peter: bro that dude was huge though

James: you stabbed a servant in the ear

Peter: yeah but if Teacher hadn’t stopped me I would have killed them all

[day 3 after Jesus’ death]

[disciples’ hideout]

Peter: guys I was on to Judas from the VERY start

James: oh okay

Peter: I saw right through that guy

James: sure

John: [mimics Peter walking on water and sinking]

Simon: lol

Matthew: lol

James: lol

[John outraces Peter to the empty tomb]

Peter: let’s not run, no need to arouse suspicions

John: okay

Peter: hey I think Mary Magdalene likes you

John: [flustered] what?

[Peter takes off running]

John: [deep sigh] dude

[John easily catches up to Peter, passes him]

Peter: [pretends to pull a muscle, begins limping]

Peter: [shouts after John] old fisherman’s injury, you go on ahead

[Jesus appears to disciples]

Jesus: peace be with y-

Peter: [quickly slides in behind Jesus] Teacher I TRIED to tell these guys that you were going to rise again but nobody believed me

Jesus: [turns to Peter] I sorta have this speech planned out. I need to say this so it can go in the Gospels.

[Peter nods]

Jesus: peace be with y-

Peter: so are you still mad about that whole denying you before the rooster crows thing or no

[Thomas doesn’t believe that Jesus has risen]

Peter: I’m telling you he’s alive

Thomas: no way

Peter: yes way

Thomas: did you offer to build him a shelter

Simon: LOL

Peter: that’s not funny

Simon: yeah it is

[Jesus ascends to heaven]

Simon: so are we gonna start working on the Great Commission or what

Peter: no way, Teacher spoke in parables, we just have to figure out the hidden meaning to everything he just said

John: dude I’m pretty sure that was a literal command to go make disciples