Clark the Cub starts the season in center field before being suspended for being PED (Particularly Extremely Disturbing)

Instead of calling up Javier Baez to play shortstop, the Cubs will use his immense bat speed as a new form of energy to power all of Starlin Castro’s favorite electronic devices.

Anthony Rizzo will call for a press conference to formally announce he has Sinistrophobia. Everyone will be like, “duh”.

After months of intense negotiations, the Cubes will sign Welington Castillo to a team-friendly contract extension. They will convince him by giving him a full no-trade clause and the letter L that’s been missing from his first name for all these years.

Darwin Barney will crush DiMaggio’s record and hit safely in 74 consecutive games from June to August. 98% of his hits will be infield singles.