‘Vault sickness’ overwhelms DSU

A mysterious bout of ‘sickness’ has seemingly overwhelmed DSU students, preventing them from attending classes. The enigmatic illness, which has been colloquially termed ‘Vault sickness’, so far has been limited to only affecting students who identify as gamers – though outliers have definitely been reported.

From staff members also suffering from the disease, we know now that the symptoms of ‘Vault sickness’ include an extremely strong urge to not physically get up from one’s computer/gaming console, drinking copious amounts of off-brand cola, and zealously hording bottle caps in one’s room.

A number of DSU faculty members have also reported suffering from milder forms of ‘Vault sickness’, though very few of them have called in sick. According to one such faculty member, generous application of the drug known as ‘salary’ has been effective in treating ‘Vault sickness’. Sadly such a treatment is not available to college students. Generic variants of the drug known as ‘grades’ and ‘attendance’ have been used to treat the greater campus population, but its effectiveness on students has been inconsistent.

When contacted, Madison Community Hospital declined to comment on the outbreak.