Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ryan Lochte was dropped by Speedo as a sponsor. Which only
means the next time we see him swim he will just jump into the pool naked.

Ryan Lochte was dropped by Speedo as a sponsor. Which is
ironic in that if he were just wearing a pair during the vandalism incident,
those security guards would probably not have gotten within fifty feet of him.

Ryan Lochte has lost Ralph Lauren as a sponsor. They dropped
him so hard that not only will he not be seen wearing their Polo brand, he
won’t even be able to get into the pool to say “Marco!”

A poll says 52% of Republicans call voter fraud a major
problem in 2016. The other 48% are wondering who would possibly try to rig the
election for either of the candidates to win.

Hundreds of California schoolchildren are being sent home
because of the state’s new vaccination law. Which is ironic in that a policy
for improving kids’ health is going to mean for the next few days they will
have nothing to do but sit on the couch with a bag of Doritos and their video
console.

A group of scientists says that women are genetically
programmed to have affairs. Especially the ones the scientists marry who have
to listen to their husbands talk all day about their latest research findings.

A new technique that is more powerful than X-Rays can make
the entire body completely transparent. Which means it will be used by doctors
to locate fractures, dentists to find cavities and the TSA for on the job
entertainment.

North Korea has threatened to turn the U.S. into a “heap of
ashes.” To which the people living near the wildfires in California and Washingtonare saying “too late.”

North Korea has threatened to turn the U.S. into a “heap of
ashes.” To which Al Gore is saying they’re just stealing his ideas from “An
Inconvenient Truth.”

A study says worker hours have become more unpredictable
than ever. The only thing that is predicable is that no matter how many hours
people in the U.S. work, they are all paid with the same minimum wage.

A study says worker hours have become more unpredictable
than ever. Which is better than back in 2007 when all workers had a very
predicable number of hours each week which was right around zero.

A report says a New Mexico nuclear accident two years ago
that cost $2 Billion to clean up was among the costliest in U.S. history.
Although anyone who thinks that $2 Billion in damage from nuclear materials is
expensive hasn’t considered what will happen the day Donald Trump is put in
charge of the button.

A report says Bill Gates’ personal fortune is now more than
$90 Billion. Which means he finally has enough money saved up where he can feel
comfortable spending more than the $8 he pays to have his hair styled at
Supercuts.

A spokeswoman for an Illinois prison where workers were
assaulted by inmates says rules were ignored. Which shouldn’t be a surprise
because that is pretty much the reason we have prisons in the first place.

A spokeswoman for an Illinois prison where workers were
assaulted by inmates says rules were ignored. Which means some of those
prisoners may be looking at having to do some serious time out.

A Canadian girl called 911 because her parents “forced” her
to go on vacation with them to a cottage. Which could have been solved if only
her parents had allowed the remote site become an official stop for Pokemon Go.

A study says that divorces peak in March and August
following winter and summer family vacation time.Which has already been picked up by Disney
World which now offer their resort guests a special “breakfast with the
characters and divorce lawyers.”

Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway says
that Hillary Clinton made a “grievous error” when she blew her chance to put
away Trump in the past two weeks. How can someone deal with ISIS when they
can’t even finish off an opponent with the 300 opportunities he has given her?

Nicolas Sarkozy says he will seek the French presidency
again in 2017. Apparently he feels that if nothing else his marriage problems,
scandals and nepotism could get him back into public office on the coattails of
Donald Trump.

A study says 23% of Americans feel that cash and savings
accounts are the best options for long term savings. The other 77% are saying
what are cash and savings accounts?

A study says 23% of Americans feel that cash and savings
accounts are the best options for long term savings. Which at today’s bank
interest rates is true, as long as the long term savings plan is for at least
500 years.

An official with the Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy
is close to its jobs and inflation targets. Which is good for one and bad for
the other that both targets are right around zero.

An official with the Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy
is close to its jobs and inflation targets. The good news is that inflation
hasn’t been a problem since the last playoff game featuring Tom Brady.

Kobe Bryant has started a $100 Million capital venture firm.
Apparently he came up with the cash by pawning off all the forgiveness jewelry
he has had to buy his wife over the past 13 years.

A report says the Olympic medals in Tokyo may be made from
recycled smartphones. Which may turn out to be a distraction when the winners
are not paying attention on the podium because their medal has just detected a
nearby Pokemon.

A report says the Olympic medals in Tokyo may be made from
recycled smartphones. Except the swimming medals, which could be made from
vandalized gas station bathroom doors.

A study says Republicans tend to admire sports stars while
Democrats are more likely to admire TV personalities. Which is no surprise,
especially when the former host of “The Apprentice” is making winning the
November election so easy for them.

KFC has announced its own brand of sunscreen called “Extra
Crispy.” It comes with eleven herbs and spices and is to be used in a tanning
booth set to 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

KFC has announced its own brand of sunscreen called “Extra
Crispy.” It gives your skin the same texture as what eating a bucket of
their fried chicken does to your arteries.

A study says that people are less optimistic than previously
thought. Especially when they found out they weren’t being paid to take the
survey.

A study says that people are less optimistic than previously
thought. Mostly after they political conventions ended and they realized that
the next President is either going to be Clinton or Trump.

A study says that family members have a bigger influence on
extending the life of seniors than friends. Except when the senior is wealthy
and the family members find out they are listed in the will.

Scientists have developed edible food packaging to prevent waste.
Which is following the lead of McDonald’s where years ago they came up with
packaging that is actually is more nutritious than what is inside.

Scientists have developed edible food packaging to prevent
waste. Although they would be doing most people’s health a favor by instead
making some of the packaging impossible to open.

A study says that people don’t know as many words as they
think. Like Donald Trump, whose entire vocabulary consists of “Amazing, huge,
classy, moron and wall.”

A study says to help teens slim down, the focus should be
put on health and not weight. Which wouldn’t be a problem in the first place if
the focus was instead on ways to get them to put down their smartphones and
video game consoles.

A study says more expensive homes tend to have a wider range
of insects. The good news is that at the most wealthy homes the insects are at
least done in by a Roach Motel that has a five star rating.

Tyra Banks is set to teach a class at Stanford next year on
how she has been able to create and build her personal brand. Students will be
told that first, you start out being born beautiful and thin…

A consumer watchdog group says the Kardashian family is
making Instagram posts that don’t disclose they are being paid to advertise
them. To which the family says anyone is completely out of touch who thinks the
Kardashians do anything for free.

41 year old Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24 year old model
girlfriend Nina Agdal were in a car crash where neither was hurt. Fortunately,
DiCaprio was wearing his seat belt and she was strapped into her car seat.

Lindsay Lohan showed off her engagement ring at a recent
appearance only she was wearing it on her right hand instead of her left. Sort
of like the same confusion she has with which side of the road to be on when
she is driving.

The strength coach for the University of Iowa is being paid
nearly $600,000 a year. Apparently he claims he needs that much because he has
the team members bench press boxes he fills with his cash.

Former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was caught naked and
was booked for possession of pot in California. Which means only one thing.
He’s getting into midseason form for an attempt at a comeback.

Former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was caught naked and
was booked for possession of pot in California. He had a good excuse.
Apparently he was going to Ryan Lochte’s house to use the bathroom.

Scientists say they can tell if a person is depressed by the
picture filters they use on Instagram. That and because they have nothing else
to do but put their selfies on Instagram all day.

A report says Apple is planning to release three iPhone
models in 2017. Which is good news for people with Apple stock who know there
are millions of customers who will cough up $2150 next year so they can make
sure to have all three.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to take over as host of
“Celebrity Apprentice.” Apparently the goal for the contestants is easy. Just
don’t run your business into the ground like how Schwarzenegger ran California
or how former host Donald Trump is running his presidential campaign.

A study says Ramen is replacing cigarettes as the most
coveted prison currency. Which shows that even behind bars the Chinese have
more bargaining power when it comes to trade agreements than the U.S.

Nintendo has sold its stake in the Seattle Mariners for $661
Million. Apparently they haven’t been as involved ever since they were
originally hired to have Donkey Kong take care of the demolition of the
Kingdome.

Nintendo has sold its stake in the Seattle Mariners for $661
Million. Not only that, part of the deal included getting Safeco Field to
commit to becoming a permanent stop for Pokemon Go.

Delta Airlines is introducing Chip Tags that allow people to
track their luggage. The good news is they can see precisely where their bags
are at any time so they can send them a post card telling them how glad they
will be to someday see them again.

A report says the Olympics generated 187 Million tweets and
1.5 Billion Facebook interactions. Of which all but seven came under the
headings of “Ryan Lochte” and “douchebag.”

A report says the world’s largest pyramid is hidden by a mountain
in Mexico. The good news is that it was discovered just recently when it showed
up on a tourist’s cellphone as a stop for Pokemon Go.

The State Department is warning Americans that traveling to
Iran could result in being arrested and detained. Or as most Americans already know
that, going through the TSA security line.

The State Department is warning Americans that traveling to
Iran could result in being arrested and detained. People were surprised by the
warning. Who actually still thinks it might be a good idea to travel to Iran?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Olympics
are over, now it’s just back to the other event featuring backflips, hurdles
and cries of rigged officiating. The presidential election. Well, at least that
makes this effort a lot more easy every day. But things are always a lot easier
every time I see that you all have taken the time to remember to keep on
sending the love!