Cocaine is a magical powder that screws with everyone’s brain worse than a bad relationship. A little white substance sold by bikers and white guys with popped collars changes lives. What is commonly a great party drug that makes everyone want to have sex easily turns into a crippling addiction that lands you in one of those religious rehabilitation centers. A little booger sugar never hurt anyone, a lot of it makes people do gross stuff with other dudes in public restrooms. The media celebrates cocaine with movies, hit TV shows, and doing it at any board meeting or industry party. Cocaine is the drug version of a Yin Yang…if you snorted Yin Yangs off a mirror. There are pros and cons of cocaine usage and here are but a few.

Pro: Snorting a line of cocaine while sober makes you work harder than a child factory worker. Two lines of this stimulant could make doing accounting interesting. The only reason its a drug loved by people in finance is because it secretly hides they’re math nerds.

Con: Sinus sugar makes you talk more than your coworkers when you bring up that Karen never makes more coffee. All of a sudden a little blanca bite makes you think everyone loves every word coming out of your mouth when in reality, they just want to stuff something back in there.

Pro: People will have sex for cocaine and have sex because of cocaine. For some reason blow goes right to the genitals. All of a sudden you can only think about running and banging. People have done sexual things for cocaine that would make the Pope break doctrine and kill himself.

Con: Guys can’t always get it up. Nothing like sharing an 8 ball with someone who wants to unclog your urethra like a double bypass and staying like a half cooked Ramen noodle. Mentally you’re all about it but circulatory wise, you’d need 25 Viagra to consider getting it up.

Pro: It’s a short high, sorry hippies, not everyone has 5-8 hours to blow exploring other states of consciousness. Sometimes people just want to get fucked up for an hour or two.

Con: It’s a short high, which means half way through a great night you’re thinking “shit, I need more cocaine”. Then when you get more cocaine you think “I need more cocaine”.

Pro: It makes everyone think you have money, Belushi bloat is a status drug. It shows you have income to waste on something that everyone knows is a complete waste. Doing cocaine is like setting your money on fire, but surprisingly more socially acceptable.

Con: The hardest part about cocaine is opening the bag. It’s a super easy drug that takes nothing more than a key or a pinky to do. The hardest part about cocaine is that it’s midnight, you’re drunk and it’s the tiniest bag ever. Trying to separate the plastic after its been warming up in your pocket for 2 hours is harder than your dick will be able to get.

Pro: Cocaine makes people talk about themselves, which means you can find out secrets. Deep, dark secrets that you’d never hear without a big dose of devil dandruff. Having dirt on people is what builds long term friendships, because they have to. Nothing motivates someone to come to your birthday party quite like knowing that thing they did to a homeless guy when they were 17.

Con: Coke dealers are even flakier than pot dealers. While pot heads run late because they have no perception of time, coke dealers are even later because they’re off being scum bags. If a coke dealer tells you they’ll be there in 30 minutes, it’s going to be 2 hours because inevitably, the people who pay in sexual favors always come first.

Pro: It doesn’t matter that you’ve already drank a bottle of whiskey, that’s called pregaming when you have party powder. You’ll be yelling Yaaaa Yoooo at the top of your lungs once your sober enough to keep the party going. Snort a few lines and it’s time for another drink at the Pablo Esco-bar.

Con: The only reason to do cocaine is to do more cocaine. it’s not a drug that you do a few grams of and call it quits. Cocaine makes you think everyone is going to party until 4am, and makes you sad when everyone else is in bed by 2. but, you know what makes you feel better about everyone going to bed? More cocaine. By the end of the night you’re covered in it like it was glitter at a strip club.

Happy Birthday, Hunter. You were a maniac and the last of your breed. Today, we all cause some havoc in honor of you.

About Bread Foster...
Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.