Dirty Dietz for Buffalo Bills Fan Advisory Board

As you may know, I am a Buffalo Bills Season Ticket Holder. I spend up to eight Sundays a year at New Era Field, in Orchard Park, New York, supporting this team. I’ve travelled from lot to lot, drank beers with fans young and old, invited people to share food at my table and then broke said table. I understand all corners of the Bills Mafia and am willing to fight to get these fans what they want. The tyranny and the bullshit has gone on too long! Today, I am letting it be known that I have applied to become a new member of the Buffalo Bills Fan Advisory Board.

I am prepared to give the Bills games back to the fans. Through a series of several Game of Thrones-esque betrayals, I will quickly gain control of this board and implement the following agenda:

Allow people to once again drink glass bottles in the Bills lots.

Allow people to play a friendly game of beer pong in the Bills lots. Beer pong does not equal “binge drinking.”

Bring back Duff Man’s confetti sweatshop of section 240. Once again, torn-up programs will fill the sky at the stadium like lake effect snow.

I will have the anthem and kickoff played on the screens outside the gates. Is it really so hard for them to play this instead of a fucking Pepsi ad? Don’t they know that some people try to get the most out of their tailgate before heading in?

From now on we will travel in tubes! Get the scientists working on the tube technology. Edit: Wrong agenda, but would still be dope.

I will have TVs installed in the concourse that are big enough to actually watch the game while you are out getting your beers and pizza logs.

Any streaker that can evade security for more than one minute is given a formal tryout with the team.

I will have a shirtless Vito replace Billy Buffalo as the team’s mascot. I mean who doesn’t get excited when this guy is fired up?

The final, and most important, promise that I will make you is to abolish the Buffalo Stampede drum line. They’re the worst! At very least I will make them switch up the beats a little bit.

Now let me be honest here, being on the fan advisory board sounds awful. I don’t actually want to have to go to meetings four times a year to speak with a bunch of team executives. However, if they somehow consider me for this role, I will tackle it better than most of the team’s linebackers and lead us to a new age.