I had to ask someone last night what month it is right now. I wasn’t kidding. I honestly didn’t know. I think this is a good indicator that I am in a confused and overloaded state of mind. The month of April sucked big hairy donkey dongers. It was like a month of rainstorms and crying and little demons pecking at your nipples with razor-blade spears dipped in Tiger Balm. THAT SHIT HURT.

April was painful.

I am insanely glad that April is over, but now that we are a few days into May I can reflect a bit and say that there were some good moments. Funny moments. Great moments. And lots of learning. When I was too sad or overwhelmed to talk, I pulled out my phone and caught bits of life. While looking at my April Instagram pictures, I see that I caught a lot of laughter and oddball things. Which is life. And purely me.

So I really haven’t lost much, after all.

Here are my favorites from the month of April, including the one where my son was “counting” the ways he was going to prank me and happened to count number one on his middle finger, as well as my personal best impression of Patty Hearst.

I also like the cabbage booger hanging out of my nose at one of my new favorite restaurants, Sapa. We have to see a few pics of the baby Easter chicks who have now grown up to be smelly teenagers, and I had to throw in another picture of how insanely long my friend Stacia’s tongue is. Almost as long as mine.

Let’s all say goodbye to April and hello to sunny May.

Thank you for not deserting me after this month of pathetically low posts.

I’m going to let the darkness of April go away and focus on the many positives: I have a beautiful new kitchen to cook in, my sister and I (and our families) are united in helping my mom get through chemo, summer is almost here, my kids are happy, I have new business ventures on the horizon, and my best friend is GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

Just when you think you can’t be surprised much anymore, the universe rocks your world and sends you a new present which you will get to kiss and hold in about six months. I am absolutely over the moon. And I am very much stumping for her to name the baby Piper if it is a girl. Because a Piper always thinks there should be more Pipers around to take pictures of cabbage stuck up their nose.

In conclusion, breast cancer and the death of friends can all just go FUCK OFF.

i don’t talk about my mom very much on my blog
and when I have in the past
it’s usually funny
something she has said or done
because she puts some crazy shit out there

but
we are all
a lot more than our madcap moments

my mom is susan
and my daughter has that name too
right in the middle
not as an afterthought
or tradition
but as a way for me to try to tell my mother how much I love her

sometimes that’s hard
for daughters
to say

when my mom told me
three weeks ago
she has breast cancer
the fact that sometimes mothers and daughters are complicated and irrational
made me angry

but they just are
mothers and daughters
are twisty and curved and loopy and usually don’t make sense
but in the middle of the rolling eyes and irritation and mixed messages
they have
deep pockets of love

i was also acutely aware
there is a lot i don’t know
about susan

i know some of her stories as a child

but not many of her teenage years

and even less of her as a young adult

like the first time she fell in love
the friends or lovers who have caused her pain
odd jobs she worked
what made her decide
to get married the first
second
and third time
how she felt while she was pregnant
what it was like going through a divorce
why she left my dad
what she used to be scared of
or what scares her now

and so much more

i’m not sure why we never talk about these things
maybe because they take time
and we don’t

but i do know in that moment
when she told me she was sick
i wanted to ask her about all of these things
little things
she has forgotten about
and how it may be a lot like things i have gone through

so

i think it’s my job to stop letting the craziness of life
busy schedules
feeling tired
frustrated
caught up with minor things
like laundry
or the rest of the dribbling responsibilities i let my mind become overburdened with
those things which rob my time
so that
i never get around to asking

i can tell you that susie is probably more complicated than i ever will know
and that’s ok
because i know i am sometimes a mystery to her
and
also very much like her
which probably confuses the both of us

it is not all confusing
some things are very clear
like
when i was a child i loved how she smelled
when she got ready to go out on the weekends
and how she let me rest my head on her lap at restaurants
the adults would talk
she would play with my hair
until i drifted off to sleep

having her attention shine on me
even for quick moments
was a lovely feeling

it still feels good to hear praise from my mom
so i’m trying
not to forget that with my own daughter
my susan

i am strong and willful
sometimes stubborn
just like susie
and sloan, her namesake

i pretty much call my own shots
and as i look back
i realize my mom has too
which makes me a little proud of both of us

and i’m hoping
these intrinsic parts of us that may seem difficult
to others
help her
and me
while she goes through getting rid of this
pain in the ass
called cancer

because
she’s way more important to me
than she knows
it is probably a cop-out saying it here on the internet
but
at this moment
it’s all I can do
because i hurt

and even though she doesn’t hardly use a computer
or have an email account
i will make sure she knows
we have
much more
to talk about
and i really am interested in her
more than she would ever guess
and
i’m sorry
that relationships with daughters are complicated

Hello, out there, two-hundred and thirty five people who may happen to view this very brief public announcement.

I have a friend of a friend who is trying to publish a book on Kickstarter. A book about cocktails. It looks like it will be pretty damn cool, with rad pictures to boot. Have you heard of Kickstarter? It’s that website where people dream up a concept or project and then try to round up funding to actually DO it.

I’m all about the Kickstarter. It’s such a fantastic way to harness the Internet and dream up something fun and actually find a way to do it!! If I had a project, like…oh…trying to build a two-story tall princess made out of boogers, I’d hope and pray you would want to back my project. Except I guess with a tall booger sculpture you wouldn’t get much of a reward out of supporting it.

This project is way better than a snot sculpture, because for donating you get an actual copy of the book when it’s printed. He even offers to name a drink after you if you pledge fifteen dollars! Totally WORTH IT. And by supporting his project, you make the author so happy and loved and you can feel good about yourself, because helping an unknown author will erase the dog turd you left on your neighbor’s lawn yesterday.

So, just because I’m hoping this dude named Stew Ellington gets his book published and his drinkerly dreams fulfilled, I’m going to post the link right here:

I think you all should click on that link and check it out, and I’m hoping you all open up your wallets and pledge a few bucks. Good old Stew only has eight days left to fund this project, so time is of the essence.

I know all of you will want this book because I KNOW YOU – YOU’RE A BUNCH OF DRUNKS.