Hey, I saw you at the Rock Show last weekend. Aren’t your Mr. Wolf Howl, the douche bag who can’t sit through a solo or allow the music to slow down for a second and a half without belting out a screeching “owwwwwwww!!!!”? Thank you for yelling over the top of all the sound that I paid $70 to listen to. It really heightened my concert experience.

Or maybe you were the dipshit walking around with his shirt off. Interesting choice. Is that common practice for you, going into public shirtless? For example, do you go to work shirtless? Do you go to family gatherings shirtless? Do you go to the bank shirtless? Do you go to bars shirtless? Do you even go to a strip club shirtless? Of course you don’t. Do you know why? Because only idiots like you go out in public shirtless.

Apparently you even walked into the show shirtless because you didn’t seem to be carrying a shirt with you when I saw you. Did you take your shirt off in the parking lot? Did you tailgate shirtless? Did you drive to the show shirtless? If so, did you stop for gas or something to eat on the way to the concert and do that shirtless as well? Maybe have dinner with your family before the show shirtless?

Actually, maybe you were the girl with the high-pitched scream, standing next to Mr. Wolf Howl, piercing my ear drums every 20 seconds. Nice lower back tattoo. I’m sure your dad cries every time he sees it.

Wait, I know now, you are the girl who always starts dancing her stupid white-girl/arms flailing/hippie dance as soon as she walks through the gates, as if you can’t hear the music from the parking lot. And you always seem to be hanging out with those super cool people running around aimlessly for no apparent reason. Getting some exercise or just acting like an eight-year-old? Always not far behind are the girls inexplicably wearing no shoes. I guess the gravel and urine on the ground aren’t much of a concern for you, are they?

You didn’t even like the band did you? You weren’t planning on paying any attention at all, were you? Of course not. What was I thinking? It made far more sense for you to spend half the night talking on your cell phone at a show you didn’t even give a shit about just so people knew that you were there.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think it was the Slipknot show? Maybe Ozzfest? No, people were actually playing music there, you dick bag. And just because the music you listen to is “heavy,” doesn’t mean it’s good. If you wanted to hear good “heavy” music (not stupid, mindless bullshit) you would be listening to Helmet and not that monkey spunk you call music. By the way, sweet Marilyn Manson t-shirt. I’m sure your parents/society are very upset with you for wearing it.

I’m glad to see you didn’t feel confined not to hurl random, dangerous objects like half-drunk beer cans into the crowd. What’s a party without someone throwing shit, right? Good work on sneaking those Keystone Light cans into the show. I can certainly understand why because that’s a tough brand to find these days, particularly at events other than rodeos and stock car races.

Luckily though, I was able to enjoy a nice warm $13 beer while taking it all in. I even had the opportunity to wait in line for 35 minutes just for the pleasure of urinating in a piss trough, only to find myself after the show fighting off yet another piss for an hour and a half while waiting to get out of the parking lot.