Spring cleaning.

That reminder that my life is trash. You might remember that from some of my previous blogs. I’m kind of, what do they call it, a hot mess. But it’s fine. I’ve been spending the last couple of weeks with a different outlook. I’m de-stressing. I’m living a centered, more carefree existence. It started with lying to myself. There was a lot of sarcasm. I trained myself to relax, to not hate everything completely (or at least, to hate them a little less). And it’s been hard. Do you see what’s been going on lately? Whew. Y’all know me well enough. I like the fight. I crave drama. It’s always reminded me that I’m alive, that I’m here, that I’m real, that I’m not alone. How twisted is that?

And getting away from that mindset… that’s been what my last year and a half or so has really been about.

But. I went too far. Too damn far. I became a complete hermit. I’ve given myself into my introverted, awkward tendencies. All that time alone I could have been cranking out amazing work. Writing the fuck out of life. Utilizing that taste for drama for like, y’know, fictional, not-my-life drama. But instead.

Well. Time is cyclical. So are we. We repeat our mistakes. A lot. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. My biggest mistake is letting that anxiety control me. Projects look too big. I tell myself, I’m never going to finish. I’m not good enough. I let me loneliness control me. There’s no one to help me, so, why even try?

Now, back to that whole, I’ve been spending time de-stressing thing. It’s whole existence was to fight my anxiety, but I took it too far. I didn’t replace all that anxiety with productivity. I didn’t let that care-free attitude lead to any splendors. Instead I’ve just let myself wander. A lot. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. Sure, there’s been moments. I actually designed some things. I wrote down some notes.But those things? I did those when I was giving into my anxiety, too. So doing bare minimum regardless of my emotional state isn’t endgame.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how I don’t do anything. I’m generally not doing anything while I’m doing this. Sometimes I’m anxious. Sometimes I’m care-free. Both aren’t very productive.

I honestly did get a new car, so, I can’t really deride myself for that one (ha). And I did it pretty quickly. I’ve only had two months now of car payments, but I’ve gotten both of them ahead of schedule and really made them a priority.

Regarding saving money, I’ve had my ups and downs. I put my car downpayment on credit, so the money I’ve saved went straight to that. Same with my tax return, which wasn’t as great as in previous years. Which means one thing: I made more money this year. But, you wouldn’t know it by looking at my bank account. I get to use the new car as an excuse, but only for so long – and if I’m willing to ignore the many months before hand where that wasn’t relevant. My biggest problem is my diet. That whole, being lazy and anxious thing leads to a lot of bad decisions. I spend way too much money at Starbucks. Like, literally I’m there multiple times a day. That’s like, hundreds of dollars. I’m a mess. Another large chunk of my money goes towards my binging. And I don’t use that term lately. I’ve had this issue for years. I broke through a few years ago, lost a bunch of weight, and gained it all back (and then some). So that’s more of a psychological thing, sure, but binging is real, and real expensive. All this is to say, while I have saved money, and relatively fixed a lot of my spending issues, food – especially of the comfort variety – is still a huge problem affecting my savings – and my mood.

As far as portfolios and projects go, I’ve made some movement. But not often enough, and not in the direction I even want to go. Basically I’m lying to myself, and you, friendly reader. So I’m just gonna leave it at that.

Life / Events / Introversion? Yeah still don’t know about any of that. I spent time with some people like, twice in three months. Wait, that’s a lie! I also went to the gym like five times with a friend!! Which is also the answer to getting fit. I have not lost 1-3 pounds a week though lol.