You know that “list” we’re always talking about… the list with the names of all the crazies who set stalk, call you daily, want to BE Kristen or Rob or Taylor or Mike Welch or have been found in the bushes outside of Rob’s parents home? If you need video or pictures to help train your staff on how to distinguish people who should be on “the list” that I think I’ve found your answer.

It looks like MovieFone’s done ALL the legwork for you. They have a contest going where fans submit videos explaining why they’re the biggest Twilight fan. All you need to do is contact Moviefone, watch these videos and then perform a sting operation to infiltrate the crazies lair of crazy (I’m trademarking that) and take these people down

How to spot someone on “The List”

Exhibit A:

1. If someone says “this is more than an obsession, it’s a way of life.” You need to give them the side eye and the simultaneous head nod to have security send them to the “safe zone” aka the back of the paddy wagon. Decorate it with Twilight posters and they’ll think they’re in a special after party location instead of being driven to the edge of town and dumped after the event is over.

2. If someone mentions anything using the word “bullets” whether taking one for a cast member or has a membership to the gun club or tells you they just finished their 7 day mandatory wait period before buying a handgun, don’t hesitate, immediately illuminate the “Twi Signal” in the sky (a sparkling paw print) and have Dean or the Po-po take them down.

3. During the above mentioned sting operation, when you bust through the door of their home like the Feds looking for Elian Gonzalez if you see movie quotes such as “You are my life now” proceed with take down. Use a rolled up Harpars Bazaar or Vanity Fair as a gag if they start getting mouthy or quoting Twilight

4. Are they wearing a wedding dress and veil for unexplained reasons?

5. Is there any sort of Twilight Tattoo involved?

6. If someone has both Edward & Jacob posters on her wall, grab her fast. She’s not picky- she’ll take either and they are the craziest kind.

7. If the posters are ALL Kristen, they’re a Krisbian and they can be the most hardcore and most dedicated, so take them down immediately or risk them using their well practiced “Bitch brow” to stare you into submission. And no one wants to be stared at like a petulant teenager.

You see Summit, with my handy checklist and this video you’ll be able to spot the crazies and get rid of them as necessary so that the rest of us can enjoy all Twilight events without having to wear the Twilight bullet proof vest that’s available at Hot Topic.

Now will you take US off the list? Thanks!
Themoonisdown

Do you think you’d be on the list? Is this girl crazy or normal? Can you identify or are you too busy painting Twilight quotes on the wall of your cell bedroom?

Do you love Nordstrom? Have you discovered the awesomeness that is their Nordstrom Rack store? All your favorite Nordstrom gear for a steal! Get this groupon now! If you don’t have a Rack in your area… well…. that sucks!

(Dear LTT-ers, While I’m away the mice will play… ok so we’ve asked some of our favorite past contributors and some of you newbies to write letters while I’m away in AFRICA! We just couldn’t leave you without a Twi and Rob fix while I was away, could we? Today Bella_NaA from Not An Addikt is here to entertain you! Give her a hand… xo,moon)

Dear Hot Topic and Summit,

In Belgium we have a saying that goes, loosely translated, as follows “that of which the heart is full, makes the mouth overflow”. Applied to Twilight, you could say it means that since Twilight has stolen our hearts (yes, let’s put it the sappy way), we can’t stop thinking and talking about it. (One of the main reasons why you’re reading this blog, and I’m writing this letter, I guess). Not only do we like to talk about the things we love, we also feel the unexplainable desire to showcase our adoration with clothes and accessories. Of course Summit’s marketing guys know this, and bombard us with every possible and impossible bit and bob that can somehow be associated to Twilight.

Admittedly, that’s taking it a little far. I doubt I’ll ever be drunk enough to start ironing Rob’s face onto a pair of old sweats, or tattoo his face on my arm. (Dear God, if it should happen, let the tattoo artist be sober and get it right!) But even the ‘regular’ Twilight merch – I’m looking at you, Hot Topic – cannot quite seduce me. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those ‘official’ Twilight t-shirts, sipping an extra large coke from a Twilight cup whilst rocking my Team Edward Burger King crown. Na-ah. No way. I’d rather make Buttcrack Santa’s kitty meow. (then again…)

No, I like my Twigear subtle. I used* to pride myself on not owning any Twimerch (an easily accomplished feat if you live in Belgium, which is like the Arizona desert of twimerch compared to the States). But if I approach my closet with a little honesty, it’s actually full of stuff that somehow reminds me of Twilight. I like to think of it as my ‘subtle’ Twilight gear. Insiders will get it, but to the outside world, I’m just a 25-year old who dresses as if she’s still 17 (don’t we all… no? Is it just me? Okay then…) Anyhoodles, let’s go over the evidence, shall we?

And now you also know why I got stuck with my ridiculous screen name… I blame it on Alice_NaA. And a little bit on this outfit (which I wore long before Twilight came along, ftr.)

exhibit b: the Cullen outfit

all sorts of clothes in dark blue/grey tones: check. Can I join for newborn fight training now, please?

exhibit c: the purple hoodie

Because purple’s cool. That is all.exhibit d: the plaid hoodie

Ah, the plaid hoodie… one of my favourites! It keeps me warm on cold winter nights, and I cuddle up in it when I’m feeling sick. If I don’t wash it for a couple of weeks, it’s almost as if Rob himself were wrapping his arms around me and whispering in my ear that I’ll feel better soon. Either that, or my cough medicine is pretty effin fantastic! I actually named my plaid hoodie “the Roodie,” in honour of Rob. Rob + hoodie = Roodie, get it? It’s like having an Edward manlow, but less creepy. Awesome.

Oh heeeeyyy there Creepward… I’ll just stick to the roodie, if you don’t mind.

In conclusion, Twilight merch: not so much – with the exception of my awesome LTT t-shirt, but that doesn’t count as merch, obvi. But subtle Twilight gear? Bring it on!

Off to snuggle in my roodie,
Bella_NaA

How about you? Are you cool with rockin’ some Twilight merch in your daily wardrobe? Do you think I’m just a big fat coward? Or do you like to keep things subtle?*I say used, because by now of course I’m the proud owner of an LTT t-shirt! Snarky and subtle, just the way I like it!

You said Buttcrack Santa’s KITTY. EWWW!!! But seriously how much do we love the Cullen fight training gear and the subtle nod to Rob on Bella_NaA. How friggin’ cute is she? Do you have subtle nods toward Twilight in your wardrobe or home? I do! I know these skinny jeans and high tops cons I’m wearing make me think of KStew!

UC Here: Don’t forget, Moon is gone for forever (or so it seems- oh yeah- she got to Kenya safely- YAY!) so contribute to While Moon was Gone

I’d like to draw our reader’s attention to today’s “What the F*ck Moment” courtesy of YOU (yet again)

Seriously? First of all everyone claims they sell “Bella’s Jacket” including my very favorite modcloth.com (which sold out QUICKLY back in 2006- or maybe it was 2009- whatever. FOREVER ago) MAYBE this is the ‘real’ Bella’s jacket & maybe they shouldn’t be claiming connection to Twilight without permission, but dude. Seriously? Do you guys not have anything better to do other than sue people? You sued a fan (Delaneyg84 on Twitter for those of you in the dark (aka lucky) who loves Robsten & leaked Eclipse stills before anyone else did), you sued someone who took a video camera into a theater & got a shitty capture of PART of New Moon for her digital scrapbook. What’s next?

I figured I’d take the liberty of helping you out with some ideas of who to sue:

Olive Garden- for making such delicious breadsticks that Big Daddy, and therefore Taylor, can’t resist. Free advertising for them due to your Golden Boy!

All restaurants in New Orleans for using Fish Fry. Harry did NOT okay that

The estate of Kurt Kobain for all the flannel he wore in the 90s

Bears. Everywhere. Cause they should be wolves. Bella said.

Hipsters with mustaches- they didn’t get Charlie’s permission.

People holding apples in supermarkets. They don’t have the license to do that- the hand model is the only one allowed.

Vampire Diaries- do I have to explain? Vampires? Love story? Love triangle? Twilight did it forty millionth first

Spider-monkeys

God for not getting permission before the partial lunar Eclipse last Saturday

Moon & I for all our wise cracks over the years. BRING.IT.ON. Imagine all the letter possibilities!

I mentioned yesterday that I’m going to be 2nd-hand embarrassing you all today (Saturday) in Philadelphia for the MovieFone Twilight Night featuring Jackson Rathbone & some wolf (his name is Bronson- is he the one that says “Burn?”) I can’t really talk about what I DO know (which isn’t much) but I am allowed to tell you this, which I promise will be the most embarassing thing you’ll ever hear me say:

I am the Twilight SUPERFAN

of the Philly event.

Ever since I heard about it I’ve been having nightmares about what MIGHT happen. I mean, are they going to CALL me a “SUPERFAN” in PUBLIC? Do I have to yell out which Team I’m on immediately after they say I am the biggest fan of all time? What if I accidentally say “TEAM BIG DADDY?” Since I really have no idea what this event is gonna be like, I came up with some potential things I could see moviefone, in conjunction with Summit, wanting their SUPERFAN to perform:

Participate in a Face off with a 12 year old- WHO IS THE BIGGEST FAN where I want to win, because of COURSE I’m a bigger fan than she is, but also don’t want to because the prize is a Jacob Black doll. And they want the winner to make out with it.

SUPERFAN Twilight Trivia- What if I know all the answers? Should I pretend I’m stumped by a few so I don’t look like a major dork?

What if they force a Burger King crown on my head? Will I ever live that down while my friends look on? And more importantly, will Big Daddy even want to meet me after he hears I supported the BK?

What if there’s a tshirt making contest. Once they see me hold a puffy paint stick, I know they’ll quickly give the artsy part to a 15 year old, but what if I have to MODEL all the entries? Walk down a stage, strutting my SUPERFAN self while I wear a white Hanes T that says “TEAM PATTESTON?”

What if I have to talk to Jackson & he asks me what my favorite 100 Monkey’s song is ?

Will they bring this girl on stage assuming we’d be bff’s? And present her as a gift? Can I laugh?

She's a SUPERFAN- like me

What if I have to sing a 100 Monkeys song without crying?

Will I have to say 5 facts about Bronson Pelletier or else they throw a sippie cup full of blood on me?

What if they pull 3 dark-skinned guys on stage and make me pick out which one Bronson is?

Don’t worry- I won’t be sporting a SINGLE Twilight accessory or piece of Twilight clothing- well, I will have my Forks, WA rape whistle that @brookelockart gave me as a moving gift last week since I moved near the ghetto. And the ONLY way that’s coming out of my purse is if I get so nervous before hand that I run to the closest bar (like 12 feet from the event) and down a couple shots. Then we might hear my whistle blowing while I yell, “I’M YOUR SUPERFAN BITCHES” and flash all the poor 13 year olds, just there to find out who the hell Bronson Pelletier is and what he has to do with Twilight.

Make sure you follow us on Twitter as I’ll try to tweet from the Wolf, Vampire, SUPERFAN limbo line, or something

Yep! This is Letters to Twilight, you’re not going crazy. Look different? It better. It only took us a year and 3 months to make this happen (literally) More about that after today’s letter!

Dear Twilight,

I recently had a conversation with 2 friends of mine and we came up with some really good ideas that we thought we’d throw out to you in case something falls through with your contract with Fancy Feast Cat Food (“Cause Edward wouldn’t eat a skinny cat”) or Depends Undergarments (“Cause after 108 years, sometimes you need something to depend on) Can you tell I’m in advertising?

Click- cause the top result is brilliant

EastFriend: Dude– did you see on Gossip Girl last night that Jenny “BINGed” cancer. I almost threw up. Freakin’ Vamp Diaries had a BING moment 2 weeks ago, too. The CW as a whole must be selling out.

Wonder if Summit & the CW are in bed together? Both suck limp peen.

UC: if someone BINGs something in Twilight…. like Bella Bings “how to bang a vampire” I will CUT A BITCH. You GOOGLE THAT SHIT Bella! BING is for dads & grandpas. Tell Edward he doesn’t know what’s cool on the interwebs- he’s too old.

Too_Far_Gone: PS that should totally be a blog post in my mind – what people should NOT do in eclipse + product placement & how much summit sucks limp peen

UC: hold on… I’m gonna go BING what date exactly Eclipse Burger King hamburger wrappers come out and when exactly I can expect to see Edward’s face on my birth control pack

Too_Far_Gone: Yes- go BING all the merch that they are not putting out that they should be branding with Edward’s face. How about:

gold wrought-iron beds

pillows with extra feather stuffing

headboards designed to break down the middle at the slightest touch

EastFriend: I just want Twilight tampons. Blue ones, since Edward’s partial to that color. “Freesia-scented & guaranteed not to leak. ‘Cause our lives depend upon it.”

UC: We should really get Bed Bath & Beyond to make a whole Twilight line. Of course there would be a purple line. And then gold brocade fabrics- drapes and a curtain to surround a four poster deep mahogany bed. Perhaps Gap could make a sleeveless button up shirt…And pair it with this season’s jorts on the mannequin next to a sign saying “Now you can have them both- Jacob on the bottom, Edward up top.” We’re on to something here!

EastFriend: OMS–bed bath & beyond–The Twilight Linen Collection!! Brilliant! There would be, of course, the Isle Esme Collection & the Cottage Collection, which brides-to-be & cougars could purchase. And Too_Far_Gone’s idea of the gold shiz from Edward’s room…for the single ladies.

And then we must have the requisite wolfpack offering, complete with earth-toned sheets, denim duvets, & quilts with pine needles embroidered on them.

And I’m not sure how to package the Emmett & Rosalie collection- but I think Frederick’s of Hollywood could figure out how. ‘Member in Breaking Dawn when Edward tells Bella how difficult it was to be around those two when they were first together? I always took this to mean that Emmett & Rosalie were freaks on a leash. I’m talking vinyl sheets, baby oil, & a Cullen Crest-emblazoned Liberator, with optional wrist restraints & blindfold.

This sarcastic conversation brought to you by 3 sarcastic girls, kinda annoyed that our TV shows, book series & movies we love are being hijacked by promotions for water that’s not even that good, really bad fast food, PRE-PAID credit cards, children’s toys in Happy Meals and whatever they come up with next. And it also serves as proof that I came up with the idea, therefore I should get a commission, when BING cuts a deal with Summit. Cause you KNOW thats about to happen…

Gotta go take my Reneseme prenatal vitamins,
UnintenededChoice

What would make an awesome aka awful Twilight promotional product?

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