Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"Ask for what you want in the relationship. Ask because you believe. Believe that you are married to someone who values you and has a desire to serve and love you."
-Marie Mckinney, Ask for What You Want, Nashville Marriage Studio Blog

I think I'm starting to get the message here. Don't be a doormat. Don't play the martyr. Tell your husband what you want in your marriage. Don't expect him to read your mind.

Anyone else fall into that trap? I know I have, especially in the early days of my marriage. I think a lot of women expect their husbands or significant others to know their heart's desires. We see that in movies all the time: the hero who sweeps in and gives a woman exactly what she wants, when she wants it without ever having to ask...and all of life is one big fairy tale. Or we've been disappointed so many times by our loved ones that we don't tell them what we need or what we want for fear of being disappointed again. So we hold onto it all and eventually it becomes bitterness...or we forget what we ever wanted at all.

I can tell you from personal experience-that is not a fun way to live. So you and I are going to learn to ask for what we need or want in our marriages, whether it's help with the dishes or a monthly date night. And we are going to learn to trust our men, who at the core of their being really want to love us-they just aren't sure how to do it or don't see how we are feeling neglected in the relationship.

So I challenge you (and me!) to step up and ask for one thing that you need or want today. Ask and trust your husband's desire to love you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A word of warning: I'm feeling a little goofy today. So if you want something of substance, I'd suggest checking out the Wifey Wednesday post on tolovehonorandvacuum.com. It's a great post on why physical intimacy matters to your husband. I, however, am going to talk about something completely different...having a sense of humor in marriage.

My husband has an amazing, whacked out sense of humor. It could be because he was pretty much raised on the Golden Girls and Mel Brooks movies. He has never been a really serious person and I think that is a huge reason why I was attracted to him in the first place (I've got a weird sense of humor too...but mine comes from being raised on Garrison Keillor and Ray Stevens.) All that to say, it took me a while to get used to his sense of humor and taste in song and entertainment. However, having an open heart and developing an eye for things that tickle his funny bone have paid off huge dividends. For us, laughter is the glue that brings us closer when we are in the midst of an argument, after a stressful day or when circumstances are frustrating. I've committed myself in these last few weeks to make my husband smile or laugh at least once a day. It could be through a stupid video I send him at work, a brilliant one liner I think of during a conversation, or singing a related brak tune while making dinner. These efforts have helped us both rediscover romance and friendship in our marriage! Laughter truly can be the best medicine.

And on that note, I dedicate this video to my beloved husband. Without him, I never would've discovered such a travesty.

Monday, August 15, 2011

"Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?"
-Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression

I've been feeling depressed lately and I'm not quite sure why. If I have to think of reasons, I usually chalk it up to the fact that I weaned my daughter from breastfeeding last week and am experience the...ahem...return of fertility. So my poor hormones have been quite out of whack. Or maybe I need to jazz up my routine of diapering, feeding, cooking, cleaning, etc. Or maybe I need another cup of coffee? Or a haircut? At any rate, these are no excuses (or remedies!) to going around feeling mopey all day, so I decided I needed to to something about it (besides, my dear husband said he would pinch me if I didn't snap out of it.) I found a great sermon on desiringgod.org about finding joy in God and after listening to it, I feel much better and more determined. Piper gives two practical steps to finding joy in God: prayer and preaching to yourself. The above quote was in the footnotes of the sermon if you want to check it out.

I've been returning again and again to the practice of preaching to myself. I am always willing to pray, but preaching to myself is a new idea for me. I so often become a passive listener of the voices in my head, and the result often is depressing. The thoughts tell me that I am not enough in many different ways or encourage me towards materialism, resentment, bitterness and other poisons of the soul. So why do I choose to listen to them? Because I think they're true. I think that if only I had certain things or were a certain way, life would be better. But time and time again...that doesn't prove to be true! Circumstances and life changes in ways I want it to, and I am still not satisfied. It's time for that to change.

It's time for me to be more aggressive about my own thought life and really begin finding my worth in the Gospel instead of trying to find joy in my circumstances, productivity, appearance, etc. It's time to tear down those idols and foolish desires and find my joy in God! So if you catch me talking to myself with worship songs, Scriptures or other means in these next few days (or for the rest of my life!) just know that I am trying to follow Mr. Lloyd-Jones' advice...and if you're feeling down in the dumps, you should try it too!

I've been inspired by this blogger to start a series she calls "Wifey Wednesday". Shelia writes a post about marriage and invites people to also write about marriage on their blog and link back to hers. So here's a first of a series in Wifey Wednesday!

Her post this week was about dressing your husband....and I had to laugh. This week my husband finally admitted that he needed new shoes. One pair he owns has a hole in the bottom and I think he bought them when we were dating (which would be over 3 years ago!) Needless to say, my daughter and I may be heading out this afternoon to get him some new duds.

What really inspired me in her post was the above quote. It is a great reminder to me that I am not responsible to change my husband. Instead, it is my job to pick up the slack at the things he is not great at and be appreciative of the things he does well. An example: My husband has more than once called me "the fun killer" in our marriage. Most of the time he is only half kidding. I have to admit that it is true. I am a very goal oriented, task motivated person. Fun is something I do after my to-do list is done. Too much of that attitude can make me a martyr, and I start thinking, "Why doesn't he help me get anything done? Look at all the stuff I'm doing/need to do, and there he is reading the Drudge Report!" Instead, maybe it would be a better idea for me to take my cue from him when he comes home from work: Stop, say hello, give him some space after a hectic work day and take some time to take a breather myself. And, for once, maybe take him up on that suggestion to forget about the dishes and watch some random youtube video with him for 2 minutes. After all, maybe that will help me shed that "fun killer" reputation and show him appreciation for how he "fills that hole" in my life!

Friday, August 5, 2011

"O what quietness will this breed! I see my God will not lose my heart, if a rod can prevent it. he would rather hear me groan here than howl hereafter. His love is judicious, not fond. He consults my good rather than my ease."-John Flavel, quoted in this outstanding blog post on seeing God's hand in suffering