tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40213472649193496702018-03-06T17:33:44.779-08:00A Bookcase of Eating DisordersFinding inspiration through the words of othersAlbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-28399113876322055072012-11-04T09:14:00.001-08:002012-11-04T09:19:34.493-08:00Eating disorders, secrecy, and the media<br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Due to my current confusion over what I have read (because I didn't write about the books straight away they're now getting mixed up), and having parts of writing back on my other laptop which had broken, but is now fixed, but is at home so I can't get it until Christmas... I think I am going to give the ED books a break for now. Instead I am going to post some of my own thoughts. The below is white as I copied and pasted it as an extract from my diary but then couldn't figure out how to get rid of the white.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Is the media to blame for eating disorders?</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: yellow; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-highlight: yellow;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This disorder is not influenced by others – it uses others. It does not stem from the media, but it can use the media to back up its’ own manipulations. However if the media does not back up the disorders' rules, then it will ignore it. I do not believe that if ‘fat’ came into fashion, that 'fat' was the look all the celebrities were aiming for, that all the ‘best looking’ girls had, that anorexia would suddenly disappear. It is still a mental illness and it has not been created by modern society.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">&nbsp; <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The secrecy within Anorexia</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One reason people with Anorexia Nervosa often aren’t honest is because no-one can cope with the truth. And people tell me I’m not a bad person, but they can’t see into my head. (Will come back to this another day, can’t think right now).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think people, professionals, need to start seeing anorexia for what is really is; an evil alter ego. There are two people living inside. People say this is too abstract, too dramatic, perhaps ‘romanticising’ the disorder, that this is a wrong description and identification. ‘Of course there isn’t someone else living inside of you, are you mental?’ Well yes actually, the colloquial meaning of ‘mental’ comes from the word ‘mental illness’ and an eating disorder is a mental illness. I would go as far to say that this other person is as real as a schizophrenics' hallucinations; and they are very, very real. It is so real that I cannot even truthfully say that this ‘other’ person is an analogy, but I let people assume that it is because otherwise people really would think I was mad. Either mad or pretending to be mad. I think the latter would be even worse.</span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-74660844902106914462012-09-05T13:44:00.001-07:002012-09-05T13:52:30.574-07:00Life without Ed<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><b>How one woman declared independence from her Eating disorder and how you can too</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>By </b></span><b><span style="line-height: 115%;">Jennie Schaefer with Thom Rutledge</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b><span style="line-height: 18px;">Thankyou to <span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>ally</b></span> for recommending this book :)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">I too would recommend 'Life without Ed' to anyone wanting to recover from an eating disorder, provided you don't mind the personification of this illness as an aid to managing it, and you don't mind a bit of humour. Humour is a controversial issue when it comes to eating disorders, and many sufferers sadly find it offensive. I noticed another review of this book criticised the author for supposedly being insensitive in the way in which she basically laughed in the face of her disorder. I disagree. I feel that her writing is compassionate, and my only criticism of the jokes was that most of them were pretty bad ;), although there was the odd one that made me laugh. The idea behind the jokes was good though.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">For a long time I admittedly found it hard to understand why anyone who had suffered from an eating disorder could ever joke about the horrors of such an evil illness. However, I think part of the process of achieving freedom is to finally believe in the saying 'laughter is the best medicine'. Laughter can indeed be found in even the darkest of places. Psychiatric units: you will hear laughter within these institutions (and not just manic laughter), in-between the crying and screaming and excruciating distress. Laughter doesn't undermine the pain, it simply shows a tiny bit of hope that there is still something within that person who is fighting for life. And of course, 'if you don't laugh you'll cry.'</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Another criticism which I disagree with was the view that the author made recovery look too easy, with her descriptions of how she overcame each hurdle being so short. I didn't think they were too short; just concise. Plus </span>Schaefer&nbsp;<span style="line-height: 18px;">explained to the reader at the beginning that the process was a lot longer and harder than the pages of each section perhaps may indicate, but she wanted to keep the sections short in order to not overwhelm someone who may be struggling to concentrate on the writing. I for one appreciate this as I do go through phases where the ED obsessions/compulsions get so strong I struggle to read anything at all. She made the book accessible to those who need it most. The only down side to this is that the book is shorter than it looks; with the chapters finishing every few pages and leaving most of a page blank, there was a lot of blank space. However this couldn't really be avoided when trying to keep the 'bite-sized chunks of information' structure.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Although I think this book could help a lot of people to some extent and is worth reading, I am not sure how I personally feel about the personification. The more the eating disorder is personified, the more I cringe. And yet I still do personify it to some extent because it really is the only way of explaining and coming to terms with what living with an eating disorder is like. I try to reduce the *cringe* by referring to my ED as simply 'it'. I can do this without even knowing sometimes, because when trying to explain how I feel to people, I have to clarify that I </span><i style="line-height: 18px;">know </i><span style="line-height: 18px;">that&nbsp;what I am saying is&nbsp;contradictory&nbsp;and illogical. And that I can see things perfectly sanely whilst still acting on fucked up beliefs. The person I am talking to has to understand that they are basically talking to two people, and it's no use telling ME that I am being stupid, because I'm not the one who needs to be convinced... or am I? I don't know, I don't understand. But I guess it makes it ten times harder when you can't separate yourself from the illness at all, and that is the premise that this book builds upon. &nbsp;&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">I also reject therapists suggestions to write a letter to 'it'.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">No fucking way, no way is my eating disorder getting a letter. Telling it how much I hate it and that I am a valuable individual without it - it will only laugh in my face and turn me against therapy. Of course, Schaefer says towards the beginning of the book something along the lines of 'If you're thinking this book is stupid, that is probably Ed talking'. And then, before I know it, there is a voice in my head saying 'don't listen to her, of course you don't have voices inside your head!'.... and, that just proves her point :/</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">The thing is, I define 'hearing voices' as something a schizophrenic would hear, and whatever is in my head is not like that. I don't actually 'hear' anything. So why do so many people with an ED refer to it as 'a voice?' Why do I? It's like... I <i>know </i>what it's said, but I can't remember hearing it. I think the fact it is so subtle is part of why it is so deadly. The bullies that are subtle are the ones that can get the closest to you by pretending to be your friend whilst messing with your head, deeper and deeper. Hence one thing I definitely agree with this book on, and something that I have in the past used to explain to people why I can't let go of my eating disorder, is the 'abusive lover' analogy. However Schaefer goes a bit OTT and writes out a whole divorce document in order to end the marriage to her eating disorder *CRINGE*, complete with witnesses to sign it. If that helped her though, great.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Why the hell would you refuse to let go of someone who is destroying you inside and out? You will indeed find a none-pathological answer in all those people clinging to abusive relationships. Manipulation, guilt-tripping, LOVE, the words 'I promise I'll change', 'you made me do that, you hurt me, it's your fault I hit you' 'if you leave me I'll kill myself, please don't go' 'You are nothing without me' 'I will always find you'. And some of the most abusive lovers are the most loving, caring and seductive, as part of their cruelty, whether intentional or otherwise. You fight and you nearly leave, but then the kindness and character change makes you stay. You deny to yourself how bad it is. They convince you time and time again that they are worth it. So does the eating disorder. Every time you decide 'I'm going to recover', you pack your bags and leave. But sometimes within just minutes or hours, you're back on the doorstep desperately wanting back the 'safety' and familiarity of 'home', no-matter how painful 'home' is. Even if you realise they are not worth it, you still cannot stop loving them, and love makes us irrational.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="line-height: 18px;">It sounds quite sick to suggest that I love my eating disorder. And yet, sometimes I think love is the only emotion strong enough to make me cling to something so damaging.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Some believe that this voice, that isn't actually a voice, is simply an&nbsp;extension of the 'internal critic' that everyone experiences. But for me I know what my internal critic sounds like, and I still get it, obviously. And I don't link that to my eating disorder, as I know that critic isn't disordered and it would remain even if I made a miraculous full recovery. Just like I believe anorexia is NOT 'just a diet gone too far', I also believe the anorexic voice is NOT 'just the internal critic gone too far'. It is much more sinister than these two theories imply. I experience the critic as being me, and the choice I made to try to eat more healthily I experienced as me. But the 'voice' and illness that then took over, feels more like a disease. A parasite entering my brain and fighting violently to survive, to feed off my body and soul.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">‘I continued reading over the menu. I heard, “Order the highest calorie item – fettuccine Alfredo.” I figured that Ed had some new tactic and was just trying to confuse me. Then I hear, “If you don’t order the fettuccine Alfredo, you are anorexic.” I looked up and saw that someone else had pulled up a chair.’</span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #351c75;">‘”Counter Ed” is my new dining partner. Counter Ed encourages me to overeat in order to guarantee that I am not under eating… He says, “I am here to help. It’s either Ed or Me.” Although counter Ed pretends to be my ally, he is really just as controlling as Ed.’</span><o:p></o:p></span></i><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #351c75;"><br /></span></i>These lines really hit home with me as I have never heard anyone mention it before, but I too encountered 'Counter Ed/ anti-ana' as I made some progress in recovery. I said to people that it wasn't as simple as not doing what the ED says, but I couldn't explain why. The answer seems to be here; how can I be sure that I'm not listening to Ed when he manipulates everything I try to do? If I choose something that is medium calories/fat, how to I know whether I'm actually compromising with Ed, making deals with him that if I eat that then I can cut out something else later? The only way I was making sure that I definitely wasn't ANOREXIC, was by choosing the biggest most calorific items. But then this would only fill be with resentment, and in the end only make me go crawling back to Ed in tears. And then Ed, or a relative of Ed? would say; deal with that pain of eating all that food, by having a competition to stuff as much food down as you can. I actually remember writing in my diary 'If I shove an insane amount of food down, I can prove to myself that I definitely can't have a fear of food, and I can prove to everyone else that I definitely can't have Anorexia'. It didn't occur to me at the beginning that this was called bingeing, and this in itself was an eating disordered behaviour. I just saw it as a spiteful 'let's use recovery to self harm. If people want me to eat, fine, but I'm going to make sure it is damn painful'.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Another example of the manipulation and mind games that constantly torment you until you wonder whether you are going even more mad in recovery:</span></div><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><i>‘This far into recovery, Ed has new tactics to keep food at bay. Tonight, it was one of his new favourites, “Nothing here fits into your food plan.” Ed actually acts as if he supports my food plan and uses it against me.’</i></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="line-height: 115%;">In my opinion this quote sums up eating disorders quite accurately:</span><span style="line-height: 17px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">‘Eating disorders are really about excessive control, painful perfectionism, and stubborn self-hatred. They are not about whether or not your thighs touch, the width of your hips, the size of your butt, or the number on the scale.’</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />In conclusion, I think this book is helpful to stimulate your own imagination in being able to personify the eating disorder in hopefully a productive rather than destructive way. Despite my reservations around talking about Ed as though he/she is a person, I think if only I would stop judging myself for this/ worrying what others think of me for it, I could benefit from it. It actually seems easier to verbalise my thought processes once I use the personification as a prop. That can only be a good thing, right? Some people I have encountered seem to have the view that by doing this you are somehow wallowing in your madness, by creating a fictional character. I get the feeling they fear I may actually start to think this character is real. But they don't seem to understand that this 'voice' in my head couldn't get any more real. It is my reality and the sooner I accept that and stop trying to deny it, the sooner I can be more alert to and prepared to fight its' games. &nbsp;</span></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">P.s. Apologies for the small writing, it seems to be refusing to change :(</span></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-55372077742437810092012-08-12T15:27:00.000-07:002012-08-12T15:38:20.120-07:00Is the negative definition of pro-ana indirectly adaptive?<span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Here are some of my ramblings inspired by the ramblings of Ednose :P (on one of the support sites I use).</span><br /><span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Pro-ana is a very complicated concept. (I am going to receive a beating from the eating disorder for saying the following, but it needs to be said).</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">An eating disorder is so clever that in order to escape in any way, we need to be one step ahead and trick the tricker. You can't fight it head on; if I go to therapy it realises exactly what's going on and fights back harder. You need to trick it into a false sense of security then sneak up behind its back. What better way to do so than to type 'pro-ana' into the internet, meaning 'pro-destruction'. This is what I did to find PT. The ED thought it was great, at first. The outside package of 'PRETTY THIN - pictures of skinny girls, skeletons, silly teenage girls saying 'keep strong, don't eat'' - this package that society falls for (therefore labelling the site as horrific) the eating disorder also fell for, as ED loves horrific. It settled itself in, but before long it started to get a bit concerned at how much I was talking on there and giving away - how honest I was being about my illness for the first time in my life, because noone was judging me any more - people understood. The ED started to realise that something was very wrong and that this wasn't a pro-destruction site at all - those 'ana is a goddess' members floating around on the surface were all a trap to trick the ED into letting me join the site. The eating disorder was enraged to find that the members who stuck around long-term were there to help ME, not it. But it was too late to go back, because all those emails I received and conversations I had, containing long and carefully thought out messages of genuine support, from strangers who did not need to give me the time of day, but did; made me trust the community just as much as I trusted the eating disorder. I had never trusted anyone as much as the ED before I typed in 'pro ana'. I know that to conquer the ED I need to trust something more than it, ideally put all my trust into my true self. But for now trust in others who sincerely understand has brought me a long way in coming to terms with who I am, what my disorder is and how I can continue to make steps to live my life the best way I can despite it.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">I maintain that we were right to keep the term 'pro ana' in our site address, because I suspect I'm not the only one who was only permitted to join a support site because the words pro-ana pretended to welcome my eating disorder and destructive nature. It didn't realise that there is a difference between 'welcome' and 'acceptance'.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">It is controversial, but perhaps the magic of that term is reliant on the negative definition of the term, rather than the positive one? Maybe it would actually be a big mistake to change the definition into completely positive, because then... would a mind so severely chained down by the ED mindset really be able to search for support to help themselves, rather than entering support through the back-door illusion of Ed's best friend 'Pro-kill ourselves -ana'?&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Pro-ana appears to provide a way of denying to ourselves that we are seeking help &gt; in denying it to ourselves we are preventing the ED from catching on, in order to prevent the ED digging its heels in and screaming until we reject the support. Secretly we are calmly receiving support behind its back x</span></span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-63482817809991431812012-08-09T10:39:00.002-07:002012-08-12T15:59:29.786-07:00Zero<b>By Diane Tullson</b><br /><br />Thankyou to whoever recommended this book - I sadly can't seem to find the comment with the recommendation, but if it was you please let me know :)<br /><br />This is a fictional novel which I think would be suitable for young teenagers. Bearing this intended audience in mind, I have given it three stars; compared to other fiction for this age-range, such as Wintergirls, rather than comparing it to adult memoirs/novels that are obviously (hopefully) going to have more depth. Compared to Wintergirls I felt Zero was a story I could personally relate to, while with the former I experienced no sense of connection at all.<br /><br />I think Zero conveyed a basic but accurate portrayal of how Anorexia/Bulimia can sneak up on a person so subtly yet rapidly. I liked the fact that it may help break the often inaccurate assumption of the disorder being driven by the media or societal pressures to 'be skinny'. I found Kas (the protagonist) to be very wholesome underneath the disorder; she comes across as sensible and likeable, which I hope helps young readers to see that Anorexia is not a 'stupid person's disease', or a 'vanity disease' and that it can drive even seemingly well-functioning minds into madness. I also liked the reference to her art work expressing the disorder taking over her mind and body.<br /><br />What I didn't like about this book is that it seemed... half empty? Strangely I got the same feeling with this book as I did when reading 'The Bell Jar'; every time I thought 'this bit could be really good', the bit never finished. I wanted to add extra pages in to explore the parts I really thought had potential if only they weren't skimmed over. One example is the part where she seems to randomly go to a different town and ends up in a car with a scary druggy man/boy. It is inferred that she slept with him, however it does not go into detail. Perhaps this was due to the young audience? But I still felt that if that was going to be included, it should have been included properly (exploring this experience and her feelings around it in more depth), or not at all. It seemed out of the ordinary for her character to do, so maybe it was demonstrating a bit of teenage rebellion, or an eating disordered self hatred and purposeful intention to harm herself through a disregard for her own safety and feelings?<br /><br />Another example is Kas' family; we hear about them briefly, but we never actually meet them. I would have liked to have been introduced to more of her background from before she went off to college, or perhaps we could have gone with her when she returned home due to her illness?<br /><br />I do however appreciate the Author's notes at the back of the book beginning with the statement: <i><span style="color: #134f5c;">'Whenever authors write about eating disorders, they risk trivializing the suffering of real victims, who live in a world that is unreadable in its horror. In writing Zero, I hoped to give readers a glimpse into the dark world of self-destruction that plagues people with eating disorders.' </span></i>- I think she did indeed give a 'glimpse' into the dark world of self-destruction, and maybe this was a suitable glimpse for the age group. However for me, a glimpse was not enough. It is a hard one because as the author acknowledges, the reality is so disturbing that perhaps this wouldn't be suitable for a teenage book.<br /><br />Within the author's notes she details useful to-the-point facts regarding Eating Disorders; I felt this was responsible to do in order to educate young readers on the warning signs and what to do to help with compassion if they or someone they know is suffering.<br /><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />In conclusion I felt the book was okay for a very light read and a brief introduction to eating disorders, but&nbsp;I found the plot as a whole frustrating with what seemed like lots of hoax starts to sub-plots. In addition, the&nbsp;ending was weak; the story seemed to stop abruptly when Kas starts&nbsp;receiving&nbsp;treatment. Also, her eating disorder symptoms don't really appear to emerge until nearly two thirds of the way into the book. Although I appreciate that it may be important to show how the person's life can start out as pretty normal, I think the book could have been a bit longer to give sufficient time to the eating disorder experience itself.<br /><br />Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-46877398843046272772012-07-16T16:18:00.000-07:002012-08-11T07:24:32.633-07:00Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia<div style="font-family: inherit;"><i><b>By Doris Smeltzer with Andrea Lynn Smeltzer</b></i></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: inherit;">This heartbreaking story is told from the perspective of Andrea's mother. Scattered between these writings are excerpts from Andrea's diaries, including her poetry. Although I can acknowledge the beauty that others find within poetry, I am someone who doesn't really appreciate it myself. I wish I did, but I can't seem to help it. Although I like 'deep' prose, for me a poem has to be very clear in its meaning in order to hold my attention. I also find diaries hard to read, as diaries by their very nature are usually un-organised and rambling. Therefore merely personally, I found it difficult to keep reading through every word of poetry and diary at times, although I made sure to do so in respect for Andrea's memory and talent. Admittedly the diaries were needed to express Andrea's character and experience in her own words; as the title says, her 'voice'. Perhaps the very fact that diary form was the only way we could hear her voice, was testament to the fact that she didn't live long enough to carefully craft a book herself which maybe she would have done had she recovered. </div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: inherit;">Overall though, I learned a lot from this book regarding the reality of just how quickly an eating disorder can kill a sufferer, seeing it from a parent's point of view, and gaining some understanding as to how someone deals with grief in such a circumstance. Nowadays I seem to be more emotional anyway, perhaps due to therapy and no longer numbing every single thing, however it still takes me by surprise when a book manages to cut through my still often present detachment. Even though I knew from the start of the book that Andrea would not survive, reading the words describing her death hit me hard, and the tears flooded out even though I have no connection to this family. I was deeply touched, also by the solidity her family showed in trying to help her.&nbsp;</div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: inherit;">&nbsp;<i><span style="font-size: small;">‘<span style="color: #674ea7;">All the “experts” agreed – Andrea would heal. We caught the behaviours early. Again, we heard that we had nothing to worry about.’</span></span></i></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></i><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">‘Andrea died in her sleep approximately six hours later </span></i><span style="color: #0b5394;">[After the last phone-call with her mother]</span><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">. Her body was found lying in bed with one leg on top of her down comforter, the right corner pulled down in a triangle, and one arm resting under her head. She never made it home to open her report card. She had earned straight A’s that semester.’ </span></i></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: inherit;">I think the ultimate message that I took is that with all the care, love and determination in the world, even with jumping in quick and paying out for therapy, an eating disorder sometimes still cannot be beaten. From this I don't think we can conclude that it isn't worth trying, quite the opposite; That professionals and society should take it seriously and treat the patient as soon as possible, because this is a killer disease with claws just as strong as a malignant tumor invading the body at a rapid pace. Not being hospitalized or able to function in every day life does not make you immune to sudden death from an eating disorder. </div><div style="font-family: inherit;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></i> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">‘For those who survive, it can often take an average of four to seven years for a sufferer to begin the healing process in earnest'&nbsp;</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #666666; font-size: small;">Again, the above quote is a fact which professionals mainly deny, if not in words, in action, by the fact they prescribe as little as 6 CBT sessions for treatment (or nothing at all), and then that is it; the message is you should be better after that, or rather they will twist it with the feeble justification 'you need to take responsibility for your own recovery'. You wouldn't justify refusing to continue giving chemotherapy to someone who is likely to die without it, with that sentence. I suspect that average of years to begin healing is true. At least, I can relate to that average almost exactly in my own recovery; After coming out of hospital I denied for 4 years that I had any problem at all. During the 5th year I sought treatment myself but still did not admit I was not recovered to my family until the 6th year, when my seeking of treatment from the government still hadn't gotten me any at all.<i> </i>It was finally time to ask for moral and financial support, and with that had to come the admittance that I was finally ready to start healing. Until I could admit that openly, even though I was no longer lying to myself, I still didn't have any real conviction that I was ready. Today, that conviction continues to go and come as the disorder gets stronger and weaker, sometimes by the hour. </span><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #674ea7; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">‘‘In the treatment of Hodgkin’s Disease or Leukemia, waiting around for the individual to get sicker would be considered outrageous and unethical, yet it is done every day with anorexia (and bulimia)’- Marcia K. Ove, “The Evolution of Self-starvation Behaviours Into the Present Day Diagnosis of Anorexia Nervosa: A Critical Literature review’.&nbsp;</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #674ea7; font-family: inherit;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">&nbsp;</span><span style="line-height: 115%;">‘I denied to myself that Andrea could lie to us as bold-faced as she lied to herself. I knew nothing of the manipulative nature of eating disorders, or of their deceptive, chameleon-like ways.’</span></span></i></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">There is a cruel irony in the fact that those with eating disorders often have a personality in which there is a relatively clean past record of lying. The eating disorder uses this to feed on; the trust that family and friends may have in what the sufferer claims to be the truth. But many also fail to realize that it isn't just they who are being deceived by the illness, but the sufferer themselves. The guilt the true person underneath the illness feels gives rise to a defense mechanism, being that of, in some dimension of the psyche, believing their own lies. How can a deluded person appear so sane and convincing to someone on the outside who thinks of themselves as rational? The very fact that people with eating disorders can sometimes appear so healthy and 'with-it', makes it all the more dangerous. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit;"><i>&nbsp;</i> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #3d85c6;"><i>‘After patiently listening to me rant for over twenty minutes about how I could have saved my daughter if only I had tried harder, the wise counsellor had asked “Do you really believe you are that powerful, Doris?”... I could finally hear the words – that when we look back at the “should haves” and “if onlys” we tend to see them in a stagnant, one dimensional realm.’</i></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-34687229772593242272012-01-13T02:01:00.001-08:002012-08-11T07:29:35.024-07:00Unbearable Lightness<b style="font-style: normal;">By Portia De Rossi</b><br /><div style="font-style: normal;"><b><br /></b></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">It's scary that's it's been over six months since I last wrote here. I'm back at university. I'm failing. I don't want to talk about it. I'm still reading 'Fasting girls'. I find it quite heavy going compared to these memoirs. Below are the quotes I can relate to the most within 'Unbearable Lightnness', but since I got a bit carried away with discussing them I will summarise what I thought of the book first:</span><br /><div style="font-style: normal;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal;"><b>Surprisingly good. Due to Portia being a model, actress and celebrity, I feared that this memoir would come across as being a book written for the sake of writing a book, purely to make the person even more well-known. If this was the case it worked; I had never heard of Portia De Rossi before now. However I do not think this was the case here. Her writing came across as refreshingly sincere and there was no material that appeared to be there merely to provide extra padding. If it wasn't for the fact that her everyday work would appear on TV screens and she had to dodge the paparazzi, Portia appears to be a 'normal' person. By normal I guess I mean that she has the same fears and worries as everyone else, and stardom hasn't gone to her head. She also dedicates adequate space to describing the binge eating side of the disorder/another disorder, which can often occur alongside, pre or post-AN, but does not get as much attention paid to it in the literature. </b></div><div style="font-style: normal;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-style: normal;"><b>I think the only downside is that it could be triggering to those currently suffering from or vulnerable to developing an eating disorder as she describes her exercise in quite a lot of detail (relatively), plus precise numbers are used to describe her food intake and weight changes. However I personally do not have a problem with this. I found the exercise description and feelings/the compulsion as something I could relate to which like binge eating, other books appear to skim over.&nbsp;</b></div><div style="font-style: normal;"><br /></div><div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #674ea7;">P8 ‘When it’s quiet in my head like this, that’s when the voice doesn’t need to tell me how pathetic I am. I know it in the deepest part of me. When it’s quiet like this, that’s when I truly hate myself.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #351c75;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;">People seem to think that the voice will get quieter if I ignore it. They think that will be a sign that I'm getting 'better'. But actually Portia is right in saying that when the voice gets quieter and goes silent; that is when it doesn't feel the need to shout any more. If I do start making progress, or let any therapist in to my thoughts, it shouts, throws things around my brain, trashing everything, it gets louder and louder until the SCREAMS of agony make me petrified. I lash out with the anger of the raging inside me, but also in fear. The pain is beyond any physical pain I could imagine, way beyond the pain of cutting through the layers of skin in my arm until I can see bubbles and bubbles of fatty tissue and can look deep inside the hole. It is like when Voldemort's diary is stabbed with a Basilisk fang in Harry Potter (this reference has completely ruined the serious nature of this description, but it does provide quite accurate imagery if you've read/watched it). It screams because it can feel people trying to kill it. That's where my rage comes from. That's the way it felt when I was 13, and that's the way it still feels now. You can't see it, but at the times when I can no longer keep it from piercing my mind through to everyone else's reality, it's using my lungs to scream and my limbs and force to punch and throw my body at walls like a rag-doll. Added to that racket is my own terror. It is as though someone has grabbed you, they have a knife and you're fighting for your life. I try to kill them. I try to smash this monster's skull against the wall until it breaks and the source of this pain, that brain, is crushed and lifeless. That is my head. That monster is me. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;">Hence the following statement I believe also to be true:<br /><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">P279 ‘Gaining weight is a critical time. The anorexic mind doesn’t just magically go away when weight is gained – it gets more active. Anorexia becomes bigger and stronger as it struggles to hold on, as it fights for its life.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><b>I'm too tired to discuss the rest of the quotes, but they're probably pretty self-explanatory so I'll just type them down:</b><br /><b><br /></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #674ea7;">P241 ‘I sometimes saw a teenage girl with no breasts and no curves that would turn her into a woman with desires and complicate her perfect, sterile life.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #674ea7;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">P278 ‘I was diagnosed with lupus. I had osteoporosis and was showing signs of cirrhosis of the liver. My potassium and electrolyte balance were at critical levels, threatening the function of my organs. I no longer felt lazy, like I was giving up because it was too hard, I felt defeated. I felt as though I simply didn’t have a choice.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #674ea7;">P280 ‘Recovery feels like shit.’ (The process that is, she is referring to, not the end product)</span></i><br /><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">P281 ‘Being diagnosed with Lupus was like a pardon; it granted me the freedom to give up... I could no longer starve or I’d die. Therefore, it was essential to eat. So I did. I ate everything in sight... The floodgate had opened.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #674ea7;">P281 ‘Just because I’d stopped starving didn’t mean I didn’t still have an eating disorder. My eating disorder felt the same to me. It took up the same amount of space in my head... It was still there. It was the other side of the same coin... I went from 82 pounds to 168 pounds in ten months.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #674ea7;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">P283 ‘Despite the fact that I thought anything other than anorexia was a second-class eating disorder not worthy of attention, when I was being treated by Carolyn I was severely bulimic. I was grossly overeating. The pendulum had swung the other way, and I was sicker than I had ever been in my life.’</span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #674ea7;">P284 ‘I knew that I should work out again to combat the amount of food I put into my body, but because being fat caused me to be depressed, I didn’t have the energy. That’s the feeling of pulling away from anorexia. The anxiety of feeling fat turns into depression about being fat, and the lethargy and apathy that depression brings make it impossible to get off the sofa.’ </span></i><br /><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">P287 ‘I never wanted to think about food and weight ever again. For me, that’s the definition of recovered.’</span></i></div><div style="font-style: normal;"></div><div style="font-style: normal;"></div><div style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal;"></div><div style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></div></div></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-55693577059380971492011-06-20T10:34:00.000-07:002011-06-20T12:28:48.918-07:00Life Inside the "Thin" Cage<strong>A personal look into the hidden world of the chronic dieter<br /></strong><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>By Constance Rhodes</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br />Shall I start with the good points or the bad? I think I'll start with some observations then go on to the bad and finish off with the good ;) ... All in my personal opinion of course.<br /><br />Okay so firstly, I'm still not sure whether this book is about eating disorders or not. The author suffered with a subclinical eating disorder and describes EDNOS as being in the middle of a continuum; with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating (serious disorders) at one end, and healthy eating at the other. From this we can conclude that the diagnosis of EDNOS is subclinical and not seen as an extreme problem. Before reading the book I did not realise that EDNOS was classed as a subclinical disorder, because in my view; just because someone has eating disordered behaviours which are not 'specified' in the criteria for anorexia or bulimia, it doesn't mean to say that their behaviours aren't as extreme, or life-threatening or not worthy of being classed as an actual disorder. To me, 'Not otherwise specified' doesn't imply 'mild', it merely implies that the DSM isn't advanced enough to label the disorder properly.<br /><br />So, I think the author's intentions were good; to shed light on EDNOS and how being labelled with this puts you in a rather difficult position; It is as one professor she quoted said <em><span style="color:#6600cc;">'A wastebasket term'</span></em> - Dr Harry Quirtsman.<br /><br />I do not doubt that the author suffered from an eating disorder herself, however I do feel that the book gives people completely the wrong impression about what an eating disorder actually is. In my opinion, 'chronic dieting' is not part of a mental illness. I did work experience a few years ago at a hospital, and at lunch times I ate with the staff who were women aged perhaps between 20 and 40. There they were contantly comparing lunches, telling me they were allways on a diet and quizzing me about my skin and food intake. My mum says it is the same in her work-place. But my mum also says that she sees no parralells between the behaviour of the chronic dieters at work, and my behaviour as someone with a mental illness. I said to her 'maybe you just don't know what's going on behind closed doors?' However I suspect that she is right; An eating disorder is not a diet gone wrong.<br /><br />'Life inside the "thin" Cage' seems to confirm the stereotype of eating disorders that the media flaunts; that EDs are just vain cultural values magnified; Starving to have sex appeal, to feel wanted by men, to make other women jealous when you enter a room, that 'thin' equals success. I can't speak for everyone and I know some people say their eating disorders are driven by this, but if this is true I feel it is the exception rather than the norm. I think emphasising this encourages people to believe that eating disorders in general are not a proper mental illness, and therefore not worthy of treatment.<br /><br />That said, the book did make some very true and important points. For example the author acknowledged that the typical approach to treating eating disorders; making food diaries and weight charts, can in fact be detrimental to recovery, depending on the person. The author suggested a variation on intake recording which I hadn't thought of before; Instead of tracking the precise amounts of food <em><span style="color:#6600cc;">‘...I focused on tracking which food groups I was eating. I found this approach to be much more helpful and less likely to trigger obsessive thinking.'</span></em><br /><br />Something she said which I think is helpful to apply to life in general was <em>‘<span style="color:#6600cc;">The trouble with seeking to impress is that it requires so little of our heart and soul. But to inspire... that must be the greatest of accomplishments, for inspiring others allows us to be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves.’</span></em>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-67002645300461001952011-06-03T10:33:00.000-07:002012-08-11T15:19:40.859-07:00My Kitty :(<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LGOL_ATU06U/TekhocJnCQI/AAAAAAAAAOY/QtzGHF7DnaY/s1600/wrt%2B013.JPG"></a><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FZCyIPT0Tdo/TekhYJsrnFI/AAAAAAAAAOU/qUJV-eyz7EM/s1600/DSC01509.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614055109297937490" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FZCyIPT0Tdo/TekhYJsrnFI/AAAAAAAAAOU/qUJV-eyz7EM/s400/DSC01509.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 300px;" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_VdqqxBz-GM/TekhL-ZQ6uI/AAAAAAAAAOM/S2Zq_hbJkV8/s1600/DSC01421.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614054900105276130" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_VdqqxBz-GM/TekhL-ZQ6uI/AAAAAAAAAOM/S2Zq_hbJkV8/s400/DSC01421.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 300px;" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EtGnB24M2qA/TekhBwfJP6I/AAAAAAAAAOA/Tf3waGq97DI/s1600/DSC01513.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614054724573151138" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EtGnB24M2qA/TekhBwfJP6I/AAAAAAAAAOA/Tf3waGq97DI/s400/DSC01513.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 300px;" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MhYAw-qAaRE/TekgMgFk3TI/AAAAAAAAANw/XBTPH3ARW_c/s1600/bears%2B001.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614053809637874994" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MhYAw-qAaRE/TekgMgFk3TI/AAAAAAAAANw/XBTPH3ARW_c/s400/bears%2B001.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br /><div><div><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wNvX8aJqhfs/Teke3FUmpjI/AAAAAAAAANc/dbSfyxb2s9E/s1600/gizer%2B002.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614052342164268594" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wNvX8aJqhfs/Teke3FUmpjI/AAAAAAAAANc/dbSfyxb2s9E/s400/gizer%2B002.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 300px;" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YIA1qiofsPs/TekeAvp8FBI/AAAAAAAAANM/n-KiZ8gJ4FY/s1600/GIZ%2B036.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614051408635237394" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YIA1qiofsPs/TekeAvp8FBI/AAAAAAAAANM/n-KiZ8gJ4FY/s400/GIZ%2B036.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 300px;" /></a><br /><div><div><div><div><div><div><br /><div></div><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614050893313428050" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UzHeO-BJ7F4/Tekdiv7pSlI/AAAAAAAAANE/_EYS2HnErME/s400/DSC01426.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614049884636231794" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uWRBz1qXD6E/TekcoCUQuHI/AAAAAAAAAMs/qhEAVOdNeCA/s400/DSC01196.JPG" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" />Well he's not really our cat, but we fostered him for 9 months then yesterday we had to give him back to his owner :'( Every time I see a place in the house where he used to sit, I start crying again. I miss him so badly. So this post is dedicated to Gizmund. </div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>EDIT: Giz was killed by a car just a few weeks after moving back to his owner :( RIP. </div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-2375321096750543732011-03-08T12:56:00.000-08:002011-03-08T13:08:43.141-08:00Morphing Disorders<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I have not updated for a while, I am struggling to read right now due to lack of concentration. I have set myself the challenge of working through a self-help book, even though I have not had much success with these in the past. Therefore it is proving difficult to keep motivated. The next ED book I plan to read is 'Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa.' But on a different note, here are some recent thoughts:</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There is a theory that Anorexia and Bulimia are ‘two sides of the same coin.’ I think this has a lot of truth in it, but I would also add BED in there as well. There are so many people who have gone from one disorder to another, or picked up symptoms from all three and developed an atypical ED or EDNOS. I think it is wrong for professionals to see me as being recovered from anorexia, and that I developed Bulimia as a separate entity. I have talked to many others who have never lost their anorexic mindset even though their behaviours may suggest otherwise. I am now addicted to binge eating because as long as I don’t let it go, it guarantees that the anorexia cannot take over my body again. However, no amount of binge eating can drive the anorexia out of my mind. When professionals refuse to accept that my disorders have layered up rather than replaced each other, they are in danger of encouraging my anorexic thoughts. It is a balancing act; they need to treat the anorexia and bulimia/BED simultaneously until I finally meet balance. When I was a restricting anorexic I thought that Bulimia was the opposite. Now I know that they are the same monster which changes tactics in order to fool.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Happy Pancake day! Even though I don't celebrate this due to the food content ;) </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">xxx</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-24391462625189777862011-02-19T13:14:00.000-08:002011-02-19T15:29:41.504-08:00Doublethink<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I got this term from the novel '1984' by George Orwell. There are many concepts in that book that I can relate to my eating disorder, but for now:</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><em><span style="color:#6666cc;">‘Doublethink means the power of holding two contradicting beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.’</span></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I guess this is another way of expressing the paradoxical nature of my thoughts and experiences. This is what makes it frustrating and so hard to explain. Some of my doublethinks are/were:</span><br /><ul><li><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I genuinely believe I have not lost weight, even when I know my previously tight trousers are beginning to hang off me.</span></li><li><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I will trully believe I am fat whilst being proud of how thin I am.</span></li><li><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The reason I don't like gravy is because it tastes nice. Or it did taste nice, after 8 years you forget.</span></li><li><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I feel superior when others have to eat, and I can resist, but inferior because they have the freedom to eat and I do not. </span></li></ul><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Some of the paradoxes are:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1. I binge because I can’t stand being satiated.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">2. I hate being told I am doing well. Doing well causes the voices to get worse, not better.<br />3. The more I achieve in recovery, the iller I get; the longer I go without bingeing, the worse it gets in the long-run.<br />4. A big plate of veg is scarier than a chocolate bar; the veg is larger in volume.<br />5. I fear food, yet I binge all the time. I binge because when I stop, the fear gets worse.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">6. I developed an eating disorder as a result of trying to be healthy. </span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-39328561183995331092011-02-02T15:12:00.000-08:002012-08-10T15:38:01.967-07:00My fears of what is real, and what is not.<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I am scared to quit bingeing because...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I am terrified that if I stop, I won't be able to stop stopping, and then I will die. I tell myself of course that's not going to happen, I'm overweight, it'd take me a long time to die of starvation. But then I think, well, I used to be underweight, and I thought it'd take me a long time to get objectively fat. It did take a long time, two years of more or less none stop bingeing, bar the odd fast. But the end of a long time allways comes, and suddenly when it does come, it didn't seem so long afterall. </span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">It's like there are two trains going in opposite directions, but these trains don't stop at stations so you can get off or take a break. They just carry on, hurtling along the track until the track runs out and they crash. And once they have crashed it is unlikely you will survive. I survived the last time, but I have no idea how. I remember being trapped in the debris that they called Anorexia, and the clock was ticking, time was running out. I went mad and that's when I knew I was dying; the effects of starvation torture your mind into madness. </span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">A lot of the time I think I want that other side of this illness back, but then I realise that it's only the first phase that I want back; the phase of speed and exhileration; the high I get from reducing my food and increasing my excercise. The feeling that I am invincible. Although deep down I know I can't have that without the inevitable crash.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I am not sure where I am now. It feels like I can't bear another day, but I allways do. I am not at the end, things could get a lot worse. I am not mordbidly obese and my health isn't yet in dramatic danger. My only way out is to jump and hope I land on the platform, but the odds of that happening aren't good because my heart isn't in it. My mind very much doesn't want to reach the platform, because then I may get better and eat normally and be a normal weight and... this is were my sense of reality comes in. I feel like I would be a fake if I did that and I would be trapped and banned from getting back on the train because nobody would believe that the eating disorder was still inside of me. The train is only for people who are loyal to the creature that lies within them.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I am even more scared that I myself wouldn't realise the eating disorder was inside me. I was initially afraid of treatment because I was convinced they would brainwash me into being a normal person, then I would be stuck in a world which isn't real. The ED tells me that my world, in my head, is the real world, and that falling into the trap of believing otherwise would be a psychological suicide. I liken it to in the film 'The Matrix', where Neo is given the option to take the blue pill and return to his old life, with all memory that it isn't real, erased; or to take the red pill and be shown the reality. The reality is that the robots have taken over and are controlling the matrix. The reality isn't nice. And yet, I feel like letting go of my eating disorder would be like swallowing the blue pill to go back to a dream world. I can't do it. I can't let go of what I believe is the truth.</span><br /><i><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /></i><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><span style="color: #6600cc;"><i>'The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.' </i>- Morpheus.</span> </span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-75098784112549350282011-01-28T16:53:00.000-08:002011-12-10T18:56:57.209-08:00Random thoughts of the day<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The books I am reading at the moment are mostly not ED books, so I thought I would post something more personal in the meantime.</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Today I got up in the middle of the afternoon, and noticed light was streaming in through the hall. I opened the door, just to look outside for a few minutes and feel the fresh air. It struck me how wonderful it would be to just walk down the street. I have not done that in a very long time, and it saddens me. I feel like a mole popping its head out of its burrow, then retreating out of fear. I couldn’t step out of my own door alone, because the Ed thoughts get louder and louder as I walk, until the purpose of getting out is destroyed. I heard a neighbour move, and I quickly closed the door before they wondered what I was looking for. </span><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When people ask me what my illness is, what is actually stopping me from doing these things, I feel my throat close at the back as though locking in something I want to explain so badly, but there are no words. I try and the thoughts get tangled and misinterpreted. You can throw all the logic in the world at me, but words don’t dint the creature inside, because it is not human. It isn’t even an animal, more like a spirit. I am not religious but in some paradoxical way, the closest thing I can liken this evil thing to, is God. I have this belief that I have to stay loyal to whatever it is inside me, despite there being no proof that it is real, just like there is no proof that God is real. Even when religeous belief causes harm, people don't stop believing. </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There was something about reality I wanted to write about, but I have just accidently taken my sleeping pills thinking they were paracetamol. So now I am all lethargic and keep stumbling when I try to write. I may come back tomorrow x</span></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-85350109761614445402011-01-17T09:11:00.000-08:002011-12-10T18:58:20.513-08:00The Passion of Alice<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">By Stephanie Grant.</span></strong><br /><br />Thanks to Elara for reccomending this :)<br /><br />After reading the novel Wintergirls, I didn't expect to like The Passion of Alice. However, there was something about this book that made it intrigueing. Some of the reviews on Amazon* weren't impressed with the lesbian theme of the book, but I thought this gave an alternative view which is usually overlooked. I am not convinced of the accuracy regarding eating disorders, but as a novel it was good. It demonstrates how within inpatient treatment you can often learn more about yourself from other patients than you can from the therapists. The only problem is I feel that the story could have been built upon more, and I would have liked to find out what happened to Mauve (The protagonist's lover).<br /><br />* Amazon.com. There are usually more reviews on the American site, so I check there before buying at .co.uk.<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">'...So I almost told him right then and there about the emptiness that the overeaters tried to fill with impossible amounts of food, again and again; the emptiness that the bulimics try to disgorge, as if it had been caught, a chicken bone or a fragile green fish’s gill in their quivering throats; the emptiness which we anorexics, in our superior knowledge and practice, tried to constrict, tried to compress by strangulation and deprivation...’</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">‘What seemed remarkable, finally, when I thought of it, was not that I loved women, but that I had loved a woman so imprecise. Maeve in all her chaos... That I loved her imperfection...’</span></em>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-34353637903005437432011-01-12T11:00:00.000-08:002011-01-12T11:36:02.327-08:00Getting A Grip<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">On my body, my mind, my self By Monica Seles.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Monica's story was admireable; how she made a comeback both physically and emotionally, after being stabbed at one of her matches and losing her dad to Cancer. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As an autobiography it was good, but the tennis talk did get a bit repetitive, and if you are looking for a book on an eating disorder, i wouldn't reccomend it. I kept reading until the end in the hope that her resolution may be helpful to other sufferers, but like 'The Monster Within' (reviewed earlier), her recovery was very personal to her, in the sense that the cause of her disordered eating became obvious and it was clear how to deal with it; admitedly not easy, but clear. The end to her weight problems was basically 'give up dieting and start living'. I think for most people with an eating disoder dieting may play a part in triggering the illness, but once you are there, dieting is no longer the issue; the thing living inside you is the issue.</span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-75357388379719545832011-01-07T17:32:00.001-08:002011-01-07T17:57:16.293-08:00The Great Starvation Experiment<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;"><strong>Ancel Keys and the men who starved for science, by Todd Tucker.</strong></span><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">This book was not about Eating disorders, but due to the results of the experiment, it did touch upon Anorexia.</span><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6666cc;">'The other volunteers began to notice Sam Legg’s strange behaviour before the scientists did. In the barracks, he began collecting cookbooks, reading the recipes, and staring at the pictures of food with almost pornographic fascination.’ </span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6666cc;">‘...For weeks, it had been known that Legg liked to be left alone at meals...’</span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6666cc;">‘...He had combined all the food on his tray into one pile. He then took his fork and stirred and smashed it together... until it was a homogenous dark gray-greenish paste on his plate...’</span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6666cc;">‘...He was on the verge of crying... A lifetime spent in clinical environments had honed his instincts, and he deftly shoved himself away from his desk just as Weygandt vomited the forbidden fruit upon it.’</span></em><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">- Obsessing over food, even pictures of food</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">- Being irritated by any presence while you are eating</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">- Mushing all your 'meals' into one singular lump</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">All these things are common symptoms of anorexia nervosa, and all these symptoms were experienced by Legg, a man who had begun the experiment as a mentally and physically healthy individual. The final quote was describing a different participant, who had given in to hunger and eaten the food he was stacking in a shop he was working in. The act felt out of control. He was consequently mortified and panicked, so much so that he acted as a bulimic would and threw up the food.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The point I am trying to make is; put any normal human being in a situation where they are starving, and it is only natural that they start to act like a person who suffers from an eating disorder. In other words; these are instinctual reactions to starvation. Once you have lived it, you realise you were barely aware that you were performing these bizarre rituals, and you could not control them.</span><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"><strong>Before and after pictures of Sam Legg:</strong> Top: Healthy Legg at a Cilivilian Public Service camp before he (the conscientious objector) moved to Minesota to take part in the experiment as an alternative to forestry work. Bottom: A picture of Legg by Wallace Kirkland, which appeared in Life magazine in 1945. </span></div><br /><br /><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5559624385146939890" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 98px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 212px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TSfA7BFIafI/AAAAAAAAAJo/7tXqEjYn_Ck/s320/before-300x233.jpg" border="0" /> <img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 250px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_10yYjoTIYE0/SoC-AS8Uw9I/AAAAAAAACzI/eUSkORnSud0/s400/minnesota+starvation+experiment+-+sam+legg.jpg" border="0" /></p><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6666cc;">‘Crow was fascinated to find that just like anorexics, the men in the experiment had at time greatly distorted body images...'</span></em><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Conclusion: <em><span style="color:#6666cc;">‘Keys noted that the Minnesota experiment actually more closely duplicated anorexia than it did wartime starvation, in that conditions other than food intake, such as cleanliness and accessibility of medical care, were “normal.”’</span></em> </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The result was a 2 volume work created by Keys, A. et al. 1950: The biology of human starvation.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-85850253609385726822011-01-02T20:15:00.000-08:002011-01-02T21:07:56.755-08:00In picture form<div align="center">These are some pictures I took from the net, which I like because they speak the truth. The hope one should be at the end, but for some reason that hunchbacked monster below it wouldn't let me move the hope any further down the page. I don't know if this is trying to tell me something.</div><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557817666254689266" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 250px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TSFVuIuAU_I/AAAAAAAAAJI/dyepxBprD5E/s320/gemd_01_img0038.jpg" border="0" /> <img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557818795175055474" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TSFWv2RmEHI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/ZX4mtuYMiZo/s320/eating-disorders.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557819575296980978" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TSFXdQdJ9_I/AAAAAAAAAJg/h6mEJV6cgIQ/s320/hope-pic1.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557810136945806466" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TSFO3324TII/AAAAAAAAAJA/D36U2uWaxg8/s320/winter-20090120043627929_640w.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557809993894905186" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TSFOvi84xWI/AAAAAAAAAI4/-g4R574Nr4E/s320/tumblr_lbdub8qeTO1qb4m59o1_500.jpg" border="0" /></p>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-61741854156880102312011-01-01T16:51:00.000-08:002011-12-10T19:21:57.455-08:00This Mean Disease<strong>Growing up in the shadow of my Mother's Anorexia Nervosa By Daniel Becker</strong><br /><br />This is the second memoir which has made me cry. I didn't learn much about eating disorders from it, other than what it is like to suffer from the other side; the side who is watching a family member melt away, seemingly willfully. But it was very well written, to the extent that I read it within a few days and didn't need to motivate myself to finish it.<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">‘As one Stanford doctor explained, “It’s the only disease I know about where people like their illness. They do not want to get rid of it.”</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">‘My conflicting feelings during visits with Mom always zigzagged between anger and guilt. The anger, which I first noticed on our trip to Israel, sprouted from Mom’s unwillingness to get better... I felt it most when I watched Mom push the food around her plate or listened to her chatter about restaurants and recipes.’</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">(the Dad) ‘” I was always optimistic that your mother would get better,” he told me. “ That is what kept me hanging in there for 20 years.”’ </span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">(the Dad) ‘”And then I realized: She’s never going to change. It would always be the same. I could no longer sit by and watch her destroy herself. I had to get out.”’</span></em><br /><em></em>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-444986392134611022010-12-28T15:51:00.000-08:002010-12-28T16:13:30.707-08:00Conversations with Anorexics<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;"><strong>By Hilde Bruch, edited by Danita Czyzewski and Melanie A. Suhr.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Bruch passed away before this book was published, but before she went, she made sure that the content was essentially complete. The book is mostly made up of conversations with many of her patients during the therapy process.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="color:#6666cc;">‘While the binge-purge cycle may occur during the first or second year of the anorexic illness, often it appears later. When the simple starving becomes too strenuous or exhausting, then the idea of eating and vomiting looks like a solution, in order for the patients to give in to their desire for food and to stay slim at the same time.’</span><br /><br />Anorexia often develops into Bulimia, and the above explanation for this makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is me; I moved onto the bingeing, but I never purge. Purgeing sounds awful, and don't get me wrong, I am glad I don't have this addiction. But people binge so that they can purge, or they purge so that they feel slimmer. If I have such a fear of getting fat, as is the case with anorexia and bulimia, then why don't I compensate? I fast, but I think I do that because I get sick of all the eating and I want a break, rather than doing it in an attempt to lose weight. This implies that I suffer from binge eating disorder or EDNOS, not bulimia as the doctors say. But there doesn't seem to be many books on BED, so I don't know...<br /><br />The following bits do describe the way I think, or used to think:<br /><br /><span style="color:#6666cc;">‘” I could have a peaceful mind only when I went to bed and couldn’t do any more, when I was physically and mentally exhausted. Then I could think, ‘Yes, I have a right to sleep and I have a right to eat,’ but only then. When I went to bed without being really exhausted and tired, that meant there was still more I could do and wasn’t doing..."'</span><br /><span style="color:#6666cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#6666cc;">'"...when I weighed a lot less than I do now I had so much energy. I mean, I could do fifty projects at once and I didn’t have to work so hard at my grades. I don’t have that energy and the drive that I had when I was thin. That’s really scary for me to cope with."'</span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-38673409286619821272010-12-13T10:22:00.000-08:002010-12-13T11:00:53.783-08:00Hungry<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YHubNjdqtIE/TMw5E9t0ETI/AAAAAAAAIqc/IeAXH9onBjE/s1600/crystal+renn+blueish+flower+wear.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 329px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 500px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YHubNjdqtIE/TMw5E9t0ETI/AAAAAAAAIqc/IeAXH9onBjE/s1600/crystal+renn+blueish+flower+wear.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;"><strong>By Crystal Renn</strong></span><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When I was leaving yet another psychiatrist the other week and he saw the title of this book he laughed and said 'Are you trying to tell us something?' Since he had been so understanding throughout the session (unusual in my experience of psychiatrists), I managed to see the funny side.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Although I have a lot of admiration for how Crystal let go of her disease, I could not relate at all to the second half of the book (her recovery and emergence as a plus-size model). This was probably because; 1 I have never been a model, and 2; Because it was modeling that trapped her in anorexia, and modeling which steered her out. Her book indicates that her illness largely came about due to pressure from the outside, while mine resulted mainly from the inside. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It has however made me look at models with more compassion than I did before; I was quite oblivious to the fashion-model industry. I guess I get angry at people blaming the media for eating disorders in young girls, and I forget that actually being a model is an entirely different thing. Many models starve because they <em>have </em>to look frail and that is part of their job. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘I look at pictures from that time and I’m stunned. Not at my thinness – unlike some anorexics who always think they’re fat, I knew on some level how thin I was. No, what astounds me in those photos is my blankness. There was no light in my eyes.’</span></em></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"></span></em></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘Coco Rocha... “I’ll never forget the piece of advice I got from people in the industry when they saw my new body,” she told the Associated Press in 2008. “They said, ‘You need to lose more weight. The look this year is Anorexia. We don’t want you to be anorexic, but that’s what we want you to look like.’”</span></em></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"></span></em></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘It wasn’t always this way... Maybe it’s a response to the rest of America getting heavier. If you see human heft as déclassé... then extreme thinness can be a way of distancing yourself from and seeming more high-class than the people you scorn.’</span></em></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-55930477861583725822010-12-08T16:12:00.000-08:002010-12-08T16:33:36.759-08:00Sensing the Self: Women's recovery from Bulimia<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>By Sheila M. Reindl</strong></span> </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Okay, I reviewed this before I deleted everything from my blog and started afresh, but this time I will try and summarise it with less waffle.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It is a very long-winded read, but, if you collected together all the good bits that are scattered eveywhere, and made the book a fraction of the size, then it would be very useful. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">A comment it makes on Bruch, who wrote 'The Golden Cage' (reviewed the other week): </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;"><em>‘(Bruch) relied upon what she called “the constructive use of ignorance” – that is, her willingness to learn from and with patients...’</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;"><em>‘Susan Sands points out that “many bulimic patients are expert at dissociation” and that bulimics “portray their bingeing episodes as one might describe a trance state, drug trip, or delirium...” </em></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;"><em>A patient - ‘”It is pretty angry... an angry thing to do, to make yourself vomit, or with force expel things that are inside your body...”’</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="color:#666666;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">To recover, Reindl states that the person must come to a point where she accepts that:</span><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="color:#6600cc;"><em>'...she was sick enough...had suffered long enough... had tried hard enough to recover alone, and that she mattered enough to be worthy of care.’</em></span></span>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-22297552029319084972010-12-04T19:03:00.000-08:002010-12-04T19:40:36.679-08:00Someone who cheers me up.<div><div><div><div><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsBypeAm8I/AAAAAAAAAGs/ZRKxPqLB4uE/s1600/DSC01426.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547029335673707458" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsBypeAm8I/AAAAAAAAAGs/ZRKxPqLB4uE/s200/DSC01426.JPG" border="0" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /> </div><br /><br /><div>A picture I thought I'd lost</div><div>when I trashed my phone. </div><div>Kitty and I :)</div><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsCTht3gGI/AAAAAAAAAG0/WhHRJJ2PU8Y/s1600/DSC01421.JPG"></a><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsEPFtWttI/AAAAAAAAAG8/HkGcP0_rjC0/s1600/november%2B017.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547032023313856210" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsEPFtWttI/AAAAAAAAAG8/HkGcP0_rjC0/s200/november%2B017.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div></div><br /><div>Gizmo watching intently as<br />I type away at the laptop.<br /><br /></div><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsFIa6YFrI/AAAAAAAAAHE/N-tsli6z4tg/s1600/DSC01374.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547033008258160306" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsFIa6YFrI/AAAAAAAAAHE/N-tsli6z4tg/s200/DSC01374.JPG" border="0" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div>Gizmo steals my chair :(</div><div> </div><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsIdwQbU-I/AAAAAAAAAHc/BvyU_jJ6gC4/s1600/wrt%2B023.JPG"></a><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsJL-VllPI/AAAAAAAAAHk/3A6wGYe48OY/s1600/wrt%2B002.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547037467353650418" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsJL-VllPI/AAAAAAAAAHk/3A6wGYe48OY/s200/wrt%2B002.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div></div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_OD-vSXpCCmU/TPsHRnH9tRI/AAAAAAAAAHM/_tKWil4AUdM/s1600/wrt%2B006.JPG"></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /> </div><div>Gizmo gets festive</div></div></div></div>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-79541034816135169662010-12-04T18:02:00.000-08:002010-12-04T18:18:54.233-08:00The Monster Within<strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Facing an eating disorder: A Bulimic's journey of hope and healing By Cynthia Rowland McCure</span></strong><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I would not reccomend this book to anyone wanting to read specifically about eating disorders. However, for someone looking for a general memoir about overcoming inner conflicts through inpatient, group, and one-to-one therapy, it would probably make a good read. The points made by Cynthia and her therapist at the very end of the book were more directed towards eating disorders, but most of the book was not (not that this was a bad thing, just not what I wanted nor expected!)</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;">Mike Moore (Cynthia's therapist): ‘Each individual has unique rituals and perceptions as part of their symptomatic patterns, and it is the individual person’s patterns being addressed, not the abstract diagnosis.’</span></em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#6600cc;">P203 Cynthia ‘People with eating disorders always harbour intense inner pain or locked-up secrets. Often they don’t realise the depths of their pain because of the numbing effects of their eating disorder.’</span></em>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-6323272742999092762010-12-03T13:53:00.000-08:002010-12-03T15:40:31.297-08:00THIN<strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;">By Lauren Greenfield</span></strong>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The book which goes alongside the film THIN, which can be seen on youtube at
<br /></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF0lAlo80fU"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF0lAlo80fU</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">. The book version includes stories from patients who were not seen on the film. The photography Lauren uses to convey the pain of these girls at times made me close to tears. Especially the self harm pictures. However, the acknowledgement of self harm in the book made me feel less alone. In my treament I have been treate</span><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_10yYjoTIYE0/SXNkrSWOPxI/AAAAAAAACWg/2HR1QHBU8RY/s400/feeding+tube-shelly-lauren+greenfield-thin.jpg"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 199px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 298px" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_10yYjoTIYE0/SXNkrSWOPxI/AAAAAAAACWg/2HR1QHBU8RY/s400/feeding+tube-shelly-lauren+greenfield-thin.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">d as an anomaly because I self harm, and therefore they believe I will not respond to any treatment an Eating disorder service has to offer. This book, and many other books, show that self harm is common in eating disorders and it should be adressed with the ED, not separetely. Afterall, it is a symptom just like purgeing is; it is a way of dealing with the psychological pain of eating.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I have not copied any images out of the book, as I am not sure how copyright works, but these are some pictures I found on google.</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Left: Shelly with her P.E.G feeding tube.
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Quotes from other residents:</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"><em>Cara - '...I didn’t want to feel anger. I didn’t want to feel loneliness. I didn’t want to feel unprotected. By not eating, I didn’t feel those things. But I didn’t feel anything else either.’</em></span>
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"><em></em></span>
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"><em>Polly - ‘My stomach has started growling again. I can’t even tell you how many years it hasn’t done that. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel like I’m in my own body and it’s really, really weird.’</em></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"><em>Quinn - ‘I knew how thin I was. I could see bones sticking out. It was just never good enough for me. I think it all comes down to self-hatred issues.’</em></span>
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"><em></em></span>
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"><em>Cathy - ‘When I came here, I was the only overeater, so I felt very alienated. But I was welcomed. The girls said I didn’t intimidate them, being overweight. It was only their own bodies they were concerned with.’</em></span>
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<br /><a href="http://www.accesshollywood.com/content/images/64/230x306/64298_polly-williams.jpg"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 230px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 306px" alt="" src="http://www.accesshollywood.com/content/images/64/230x306/64298_polly-williams.jpg" border="0" /></span></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Left: Polly at her mother's home. In the last chapter on Polly, she wrote <span style="color:#333399;">‘I just want to be happy. Before, when I was really sick with anorexia, I didn’t think I had anything worth living for. But now I’ve got too much I still want to do. I look forward to the rest of my life.’</span></em></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Reading this broke my heart, as I knew before reading the book that Polly did not survive beyond the age of 33. She died in her home from an overdose. Whether this was an accidental or intential overdose, I guess noone will ever know. But regardless, if it wasn't for her eating disorder, she would probably still be here :( xxx</span>
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<br />Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-37300880951156983322010-11-30T17:45:00.000-08:002010-11-30T18:00:21.365-08:00Anorexics on Anorexia<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;"><strong>Edited by Rosemary Shelley.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This was the book that inspired another editer to publish 'Bulimics on Bulimia'. I am glad that someone adressed bulimia in the same way; a collection of first hand stories of what it is like to suffer. However, to me, I gained more inspiration from the original 'Anorexia' stories. Somehow the endings in this book seemed on the whole, more sucessful.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘I believe now that sufferers need to live out their Anorexia until they reach the point where they no longer want to have it.’</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘The main thing this time was that I wanted to get better for me, not to get out of hospital or to prove a point, but so I could start living again.’</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘Control that is so controlled it is out of control.’</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#333399;">‘By dying, no one would ever be able to take that achievement away from me.’</span></em>Albahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4021347264919349670.post-12190829252595612622010-11-30T16:48:00.000-08:002010-11-30T17:25:42.638-08:00'Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.'- A quote from wise old Albus Dumbledore - RIP<br /><br />I think I am sick of the word 'quote'. It simply means very few of these words are actually my own. And yet I feel like a collection of many small meangingful things that people say are worth more than any individual voice. And besides, you will find me quoting myself sometimes ;) Rarely, but sometimes, yes, I do think what I have to say matters. From now on though, if it's in italics and between apostrophes, it is a quote (" is too confusing to me, unless I copy and paste). I know this is probably obvious, but I am so paranoid about 'stealing' other people's words that I have to be sure. So...<br /><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><strong>One on anger</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><em>"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."</em> - Buddha</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><strong>One on hope</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><em>'Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars.'</em> ~Violeta Parra</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><strong>One on strength</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><em>'You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.' </em>- Christopher Columbus</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><strong>And one on perseverance</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"><em>'If you are going through hell, keep going.'</em> -Winston Churchill</span><br /><br />:) xxxAlbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935092197411078072noreply@blogger.com2