Sunday, August 31, 2014

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Fourteen is my favorite number. Miss Weewee is officially 14 months old. It's so hard to believe she's that old. It feels like I was in labor just yesterday. She's growing by leaps and bounds. She has been the best little girl. I'm sure it's not a shock to hear a mom say that. Yes, I'm biased. I'm also correct. She is so smart and funny. She loves to communicate and is quite animated. As simple as it is, "hi" is her favorite thing to say. She just recently started paying attention to the television and I am still in awe of her grasp of what goes on. Her favorite shows seem to be Chuggington and Thomas and Friends. I'm not shocked. She's always been a fan of Choo - Choo Trains. Two other shows she likes are Doc MacStuffins (Yay) and Little Einsteins. She never sits for long periods of time. She watches for a bit, plays some, watches some more, plays a bit more, etc etc. She is stubborn and intelligent. She takes a bottle at bedtime and sleeps through the night. She takes another bottle in the early morning. She's an excellent sleeper, but fights sleep on occasion. She's growing well. She eats all day long. She eats tiny bits all day long. She's a grazer. She seems to be average size, or maybe a tad small. She can still fit in size 6 Mos clothes. Her feet are huge. She wears a size 5/6 shoe. Overall, she's still a happy and healthy and social little miracle. We are beyond blessed.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Was anyone else as shocked by Robin Williams' death as I was? I was laying in bed, and Weewee was napping next to me. I was having a very relaxed moment. I got a text from Chadski, and I read it. "Robin Williams died" What?! No! So, of course I immediately went to Google. I had to know the sad details. I was NOT expecting to find out it was suicide. I was shocked. I cried.

I am not one to cry over celebrity deaths. I feel the pain. Let's face it, even if you do not know a person, death is a sad thing. I definitely feel sadness over celebrity deaths, but I don't usually shed tears. I cried over Robin's death. I felt his death deeply. One of the funniest human beings, that has brought me much happiness and laughter, killed himself. He felt so sad, that he decided to move on of his own choosing.

Am I the only one that wanted to hug him? That wanted to go back in time to the day before, find him, and hug him. Tell him all that he and his work has meant to me over the years. Beg him to make so many more movies. I really wanted to be that selfish. Beg him to live, if for no other reason, than for me to have more of him to enjoy.

I was shocked, in the days following his death, by some of the nasty and judgmental things that people said. I am sure these people would not want the things they were saying, to be said about their loved ones or themselves. Yet, they so easily said them about Robin. What is more, they said them about a person they did not even know. How quick we are to judge other people, especially people we do not even know.

I am fairly certain the people I saw saying the most judgmental things about Robin, did not know him. Yet, they felt qualified to speak on his behalf. Judging his actions. Saying why he did what he did. They felt qualified to say why what he did was stupid. They felt they were entitled to condemn him to hell.

This is our society. This is who we are. This is what we do.

We are so quick to judge other people, and so quick to state other people should not judge us. Which is it? Should we judge or should we not judge? I am a firm believer in not judging other people. End of story. We do not truly know other people. How can you accurately judge somebody, if you do not know them completely? There are people in this life that know me deeply. That have glimpsed my very soul. I am here to tell you, they do not know me. They can't. They aren't me. They do not know my every thought. They do not know the reasons behind every action I make.

By knowing that nobody on this Earth truly knows me, I gain the knowledge that I do not truly know anyone. Therefore, I don't judge. I don't want to be judged, so I do not judge. I can tell you how another person's actions or words make me feel. I can tell you how I wish they had acted or spoke. I also take into account, they may have acted as they did, due to reasons I do not know.

Many years ago, I heard a story of a mom that killed herself. I do not remember her name. I remember she was young and beautiful. I think she had three children, but my memory is hazy. I remember wondering how a mom could kill herself. I have always wanted kids, and always thought if I had a child, I would have everything. It came out some time after her death, that an ex had threatened her children's lives. So, she did what she felt she had to, to save their lives. Nobody knew at the time, the motivation behind her actions. Yet, I am certain everyone judged her actions. I am sure some even thought she simply didn't love her children enough to live. I think the true reality is that she loved her children enough to die. (I will do some research about this, see if I can find the case. I was very young when it happened, and I really don't remember details. I must have been about 8 or 9.)

My beloved Bob Marley has a quote attributed to him, and it is by far, one of my most favorite quotes ever. What it is saying is, before you judge others make sure you're perfect. Nobody is perfect, and therefore nobody should ever judge another. It really boils down to treating other people the way you want to be treated. The world would be a much better place if we did this. If we all practiced kindness and love, and rejected hate and judgment. If we all practiced good deeds, and rid our actions of spite and jealousy. We all hold within ourselves the power to make the world a better place. It is up to us to choose to utilize our lives to make the world better, rather than making it worse.

So many hear about suicide and immediately say nasty things. The person is going to hell. The person is an idiot. The person did not realize how blessed they were. The person did not love their family enough. The person did not want to live. So many assumptions. How can you possibly know any of that? Most importantly, what does that matter? Why do we always choose to be so negative about deaths and suicides? I hope people are not negative when I die. Do not cry for me. Laugh for me. Celebrate my life. Rejoice in me having lived, do not mourn in my death. My death will be only one moment of my life. The last moment. Focus on all the moments that came before it.

That is what I am going to do with Robin. I am not going to remember the sadness his death evoked within my soul. I am going to remember all the laughs he has given me over the years. All the many wonderful movies and stand-up routines he created, for me to enjoy over and over. I will remember him in Good Will Hunting and The Birdcage and Live at the Met. I will remember him as Genie. I will remember his infectious laugh and his charismatic smile. I will remember the good times, that were the true meaning of his life. I will remember his life, not his death.

That being said, I also don't want him to have died in vain. I hope much good comes of his death. I hope it brings about a broader and more widespread understanding of depression, and the horrible disease it is. Yes, disease. It is a disease. It is a disease that does not care who you are, what you do, how much money is in your bank account, what dreams you have, or how many people you love. It can infest itself in any one's brain. It does not discriminate. I think that really shone through with Robin. He was one of the funniest and happiest people to ever live, and yet he was depressed.

I am going to beg something of all of you. Don't judge others. Seriously, though, if you are not somebody that suffers from depression (and I am very happy you are blessed in this way), please don't judge people that do suffer with it. If you have never suffered with it, then you cannot possibly understand. You just can't. Be grateful. I am not talking about getting depressed/sad occasionally. That can happen to anyone. I am talking actual, chronic depression.

I suffer from depression. I don't talk about it. Partially because I don't want to be judged, and partially because I refuse to give it more control over my life than it already has. I control it fairly well. I keep my thoughts positive, I search for silver linings, and mostly I just refuse to let it ruin my life. That is easier said than done. Quite often it has the ability to take over. It plants itself so firmly in my brain, and I have to battle great fights to get myself free from it.

I am blessed. I have won every battle. I am still here to write this way to wordy blog post. I am still here to love my family. I am still here to stress over bills. I am still here to write blogs. I am still here to struggle with my weight. I am still here to enjoy friendships. I am still here to enjoy the sunshine. I am still here to get scrapes and bruises. I am still here to watch the world change. I am still here to struggle with blood clots. I am still here.

There have been a few times, when I almost did not stay. I almost left a few times. I was just that depressed. Tomorrow seemed far away, and it felt like it was hopeless to even imagine it would be better than my today. There were times when a bottle of pills or a razor blade really seemed like the perfect answer. I may have just shocked some of you. I am sorry.

I don't often speak of my battle with depression. I don't want people to let it define me. I don't want people to judge me. I knew when I was planning to write this blog, I really wanted to drive home that people are too quick to judge other people. This is especially true with people with depression. I hear broad statements made about people with depression all the time...

They should just get over it.

They should just count their blessings.

They should just be happy.

They should just move on.

It is really easy to say what other people should do, especially if we have no understanding of what they are going through. Well, trust me, there is nothing easy about depression. There is also nothing uniform about depression. One person's battle with depression will never be exactly like any other person's battle with depression. Similar? Sure. Exactly the same? No. This is why it is so important to not judge.

Depression isn't just sadness. It is a sadness so big and consuming, that it is hard to even explain. Sure, you know you are loved. Sure, you know you have blessings in your life. Sure, you know you have wonderful people in your life. Sure. Unfortunately, depression has this amazing ability to make none of that matter. It can making the greatest blessings in our life seem inconsequential, and our tiniest problem seem extremely massive. It is what depression does. It doesn't make sense, but it is what it is.

I think one of depressions greatest talents, is robbing a person of their hope. Making life seem completely hopeless. Hope can be a hard thing to find, if you have lost it. I have been blessed to always find mine. Sometimes, I haven't even realized it was gone, until I find it again, and I realize it had been gone. Recently, when I was going through my struggles this past March (my health issues, trying to get our landlord to do right by us, trying to find a new place to live, etc), I had thought I was doing okay. I knew I was stressing far too much, but overall, I thought I had it handled. Yeah, depression had sure pulled a fast one on me.

I was in the hospital, and I was terrified. I had the most amazing 9 month old at home, and all I wanted was to be home with her. I had to do some stress tests for my heart. I was alone. I wanted to reach out to Chadski, but I knew if I did that, he would want to be with me. I needed him to be with Weewee. That was the biggest help I could have from him at the moment. Knowing Weewee had him, was doing more good than if he were with me. So, I chose not to tell him about the stress test. I chose not to tell him about the papers I had to sign releasing the hospital from any fault if I died. I chose not to tell him I was terrified.

I went through the test. It was not fun, nor was it pretty. I was too sick to run on a treadmill, so they had to pump me full of radioactive crapola. Then I had to get tons of scans done. Here I was going through this alone. Terrified. Worried about never seeing my baby again. Worried about our landlords being jerks. Worried about bills. Worried about not finding a new place to live. Worried. Worried. Worried.

I knew I was depressed. I know what it is like when I am depressed. Sure, I get sad sometimes. That is different. I can control it. My depression, I have no control over. Depression can set in on my happiest of days. I can go through some of my saddest days, and not have it set it at all. Depression is definitely weird. So, yes, I knew I had been struggling with depression. I was determined to win yet another battle though.

What I didn't know was that depression had stolen away my hope. I guess I wasn't paying much attention. I was too busy focusing on Weewee and Chadski and finding a new place to live, and in the end my health. Maybe depression had decided that it didn't like being ignored, and to seek revenge it took my hope. Who knows?!

I discovered that I had lost my hope, when a beautiful human being gave it back to me. I had been struggling to get my worries under control. I read a post on Facebook that really slapped me in my face. Made me realize that worrying was doing me no good, and only making things worse. It was posted by a very wise man, Phil Waterford. He often says things that just speak to my soul. He is a wonderful man, and the community I live in, is blessed to have him. He utilizes his success to give back to our community. (Side note... If you live in or around Manteca, CA, and you need a car... Seriously, go to Phil Waterford's Ford. No, this is not a paid ad. I just can tell you from experience, it will be the best car buying experience you will ever have, and if that isn't reason enough, they give back to the community so much! Something is to be said about supporting businesses that support the communities around them!)

What ended up happening, was that Mr. Waterford gave me back my hope. He found out I was in the hospital, and he just showed up. Who does that? He is a busy man, and doesn't really know me, beyond the fact that I have bought two cars through his dealership. Yet, he took time out of his day to visit a stranger in the hospital. I sat and I talked to him and his wonderful friend Johnny. They shared laughs and wisdom with me. At one point, I just felt this energy burst into my soul. In the moment I knew, I had lost my hope, and Mr. Waterford had given it back to me.

I could never repay him enough, or thank God enough for putting him on my path that day. It helped me to step back, and see my problems in a clear light. It gave me back my hope, and renewed my desire to tackle all my problems. It also took away the fear that my health problems were giving me. It was one of those moments, that really reminded me our simplest of actions, can have the most major impacts on those around us. We really need to remember this power we have, and use it in a positive way. We need to spread smiles and good cheer. We could be the force that renews another person's hope. That is major.

I encourage all of you to really think about yourself and your life. Think of how you want people to think of you, both while you're alive and after you are gone. Think about how you want to be treated. Think about what you want to accomplish. Think about what you want the meaning of your life to be. Then, live in a way that makes those things come to fruition, not in a way that prevents you from making them your reality. Most importantly, live in a way where you treat everyone you mean the way you want to be treated. Along your path, you will meet people that help you attain your goals. Always try to be that person for others around you. When you meet the negative people, be grateful for them too. They will help you be stronger, and in the end that strength will help you to achieve your goals.

Live a life that is a reflection of the life you would want for your loved ones. Live a life that helps make the world the place you want it to be for future generations. Do good, not harm. Spread cheer, not anger. Be positive. Don't judge, and don't place weight on the judgment you receive from other people. Remember, you do not know them, nor do they know you.

If you are one of the strong people, that is burdened with depression, know that I am united with you and you are not alone. Please, never be too scared of judgement to reach out for help. I am here. Right here on this blog and on Facebook. Reach out to me. I will post links at the end to my Facebook page, the Semicolon Project, and the national suicide helpline. Please, if you are battling your depression, don't do it alone. I know that is so much easier said than done. Believe I know. Just know that you are not alone.

If you are one of the people blessed to not have struggles with depression, please stop judging the ones not so blessed. Also, be there for them. Don't judge. Don't hate. Just listen. Just love. Support. Treat them the way you would want to be treated, if it were you in their shoes. Give them back their hope. Realize that you do not understand or know them or their battle. Realize you are not in a position to judge.

If you taken anything away from this blog post, let it be...

We should never judge other people.

Life is precious and it is up to us to make the most of it.

Unless you suffer from depression, you cannot possibly begin to understand the struggles and actions of somebody that does.

It is up to us to make this world a better place.

If you are depressed, you are not alone. Please reach out. Please don't let depression end your story before it is truly complete.

Here is the link to this blog's Facebook page. Feel free to like it and message me anytime!

Friday, August 15, 2014

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. You will be grateful you did! Today's challenge was a two part challenge for me. I am a very verbose person, as many of you may know. I have a very special friend that decided to challenge me a bit on his own. He challenged me to use my words, clearly and understandably, in the shortest post possible. I think he basically told me nicely to get to the point and shut up! :) So... That is what I am going to do. I am going to try to use all my words in the shortest post possible, that still makes sense. Fingers crossed.

My words are:

finally ~ what ~ head ~ Denver ~ loyal

They were submitted by:http://www.someoneelsesgenius.comRemember when we went to Denver, my loyal friend, when you finally told me what ideas were in your head?So my amazing friend that challenged me to use the words in the shortest way possible, took the challenge himself. The results put me to shame! He did AMAZING. With his permission, I am sharing his piece...Ode to the Mile High CityDenver, finally, what loyal thoughts fill my head.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

People tend to want everyone to treat them amazingly well. They want respect, honesty, and kindness. Some of those same people, don't extend to others the same courtesies they expect. It's sad. If everyone chose to be kinder, think of how much the world would improve. We all need to make conscious decisions to spread kindness and love. We have to want the world to be a better place, and we need to act accordingly. Many want the world to improve, but their actions don't reflect that want. We are so quick to judge everyone around us, while hating to be judged ourselves. When you evaluate the people around you, I'm sure it's apparent to you, how many don't truly know you. They don't know your struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings. Remember that, and realize the same goes for you. You don't know everyone else's struggles. Think twice before judging. You don't want to be judged, so don't judge. You don't want other people adding to your struggles, so don't add to theirs. Practice kindness and love. Be the person you want everyone else to be. Don't just want the world to be a better place, help make it better.

Also, if you're sad or lonely, message me. Reach out. Know that you're loved and you're important. Your life isn't over. You've got so much more to do. You'll know when it's over. Don't end it before it's over. I'm always here to listen to anyone in need of an ear. Don't replace your ; with a .!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

In the world today,
people have needs,
and people have wants.
I think the two get confused.
I think people think they want what they need,
and need what they want.
I need you.
I want you.
I need to want you.
I want to need you.
I try so hard to keep things clear,
when it comes to you.
That is easier said that done at times.
Most times.
Nearly all the time.
Things get confusing when it comes to you.
My thoughts get jumbled.
My feelings get scrambled.
It's hard to keep control of my thoughts.
Hard to keep my desires in check.
I know that I need you.
Certain parts of you seem very vital to my existence.
I know that I want you.
Certain parts of you seem important to my happiness.
I know that I will be okay without you.
Why be okay?
When I could be fabulous with you?
I wish your needs mirrored my needs.
I wish your wants mirrored my wants.
I wish we weren't in such a place of limbo.
I wish our eyes met on a much higher level.
I wish I could be enough.
I wish I could be the one.
I wish I could be good enough.
I wish I could properly express my need to you.
I wish I could properly show my want to you.
I wish many things, but at the end of the day, they are simply wishes.
If wishes were of value, we'd all be rich.
I am a woman of needs.
I am a woman of wants.
They all seem to focus on you.
I need you.
I want you.
I need to want you.
I want to need you.

Be sure to check back on Friday!!! The newest Use Your Words blogging challenge post goes live!!! :) There will be tons of fabulous posts to keep you occupied!!!

Friday, August 8, 2014

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My subject is:Your family is contacted about having your own reality show on TV. What do you call it? What would you try to show off? What would you try to hide from cameras?

One of my favorite (and least favorite) things about these blogging challenges, is how they truly are a challenge for me. They tend to make me think, and usually take me way out of my comfort zone. This challenge is no exception.

Reality TV. Something I know basically nothing about. Seriously. I have never been a huge watcher of reality TV. I have plenty of reality in my life. I do have a serious, and sick addiction to the show Hoarders. Bad. I really should never watch that.

I will tell you right now, nobody in their right mind would ever ask me to do a reality TV show. If they did, I really wouldn't say okay. For the sake of this fabulous subject, I will simply pretend it happened, and answer accordingly.

I know it may not be the best name, but I would definitely name it Family Jules. C'mon! You know that is FUNNY! You laughed. Right?! Well, if you didn't, don't worry. It is not a comedy. Wait. Maybe it is. Chadski does make me laugh quite a bit, and Weewee is just the cutest/funniest little girl. Definitely, not a total comedy though. I tend to be very serious. Life tends to be dramatic.

What would I try to showcase? Weewee. She is fantastic. Truly. She really is. She is a gift to this world, and I would want the world to enjoy her. She is 13 months old, and yet it is already so obvious how beautiful her soul is. She overcame so many odds. God would not have enabled her to survive, if he did not have a great plan for her. I am sure he does, and I am certain she will exceed all expectations. I know, I know. I am very biased. I cannot help it. When I look at Weewee I see true greatness. I would definitely share her and showcase her for the world to see. Now, I say this, and at the same time, I would actually want to protect her from being so overexposed. I guess this is one of the reasons I would not actually do a reality show.

I would also showcase Chadski. He is amazing. He is my real Superman, only Superman is kinda lame, so I will say he is my real Batman! :) He is such a hard worker. An excellent father. A beautiful person, inside and out. I feel like he doesn't get enough rewards and recognition, not that he would want them anyway. I would definitely showcase his greatness, and hope that in some way he benefited from it.

I would hide myself. For starters, the camera adds ten pounds. Yes, I have lost a lot of weight, but I am nowhere near my goal, and ten more pounds would not do me any favors. Plus, I am not funny or cool or entertaining. I would be the dud. Truly. I am so far from perfect. I guess we all are. I get angry. I get emotional. I have my bitchy (this is an adult blog) moments. I do cuss. I do cry. I do yell. Eh, maybe I am not as boring as I thought? No, really I am. My life is boring. I would also try to hide my coffee addiction. It has always been bad, but since becoming a mom, it has gotten out of control. I seriously want a coffee IV! Somebody invent that! Please!

Honestly, the show would consist of me sitting at home all week, playing with Weewee and telling her to stop getting into things she shouldn't. Then the weekends would consist of Chadski and I doing the above together. Occasionally, Embee would make her guest appearances. Those would probably be the fan favorite episodes. Embee is a star. Embee and Weewee together is AMAZING. I genuinely love seeing them together. You should see the look on Weewee's face when she sees Embee. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The love is so intense and bright, like a million watt bulb. I totally get it. I love my sisters too.

Speaking of my sisters, and family... My family is a bunch of nuts! Truly! Not all bad nuts. Mostly good nuts. When reality TV/Hollywood gets involved, people tend to materialize. So the show could actually be decent. I am thinking my family would visit one by one. That would be entertainment. Plus, I'd get to see my family! Wait... maybe this reality show idea isn't such a bad idea. Think I could do it just long enough to get visits from all my family!? Where do I sign up?! I kid, I kid. Though, I really would love for all my family to visit. I miss them and I am quite homesick.

The moral of this blog is... My life should not be a reality TV show, but if it were, nobody would watch it. Though, they do watch a show about people buying auctioned off storage containers... So, maybe people would watch?

Now, I would really love to know... Do you watch reality TV? What is your favorite show? Tell me in the comments! Then be sure to visit all the other SSS posts!

Here are links to all the fabulous sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a drink (coffee if your an addict like me), and check them all out. See you there: