Don’t judge my ignorance. I grew up in a world where gay people are supposedly cured by therapists and antidepressants are for people who don’t know how to deal with their problems and/or pray hard enough. I’ve since begun using my brain and interacting with a variety of humans, so my feelings have changed. And so has my propensity to become anxious. I refuse to accept the blame for this. In fact, I think it’s YOUR fault. Reading everyone else’s fears and anxieties is, in fact, causing me to acquire them. This shite is more contagious than Ebola.

I AM GOING TO CHOKE ON YOUR FINGER

I went to the dentist last week, and not for the first time in my life. I’ve got the routine down: They chide you for not flossing, you make a promise to start immediately, etc. etc. But something was different this time. The doctor came in and my mind immediately began racing.

“A booger is going to fall out of his nose and into my mouth, I just know it. OH MY GOD I can see it dangling there.”

Little metal tools were piling up on my chest, laid out on the bib they’d tied around my neck so it could capture all my escaped spit and embarrassingly bloody floss.

“How long is he going to have that thing in my mouth? I can feel his individual fingers holding my tongue down. How am I supposed to breathe like this, does he realize what he’s doing? Am I breathing? OH MY GOD when was the last time I took a breath?”

The dental assistant wiped some stray drool from my face and I grunted my appreciation.

“Can they tell I’m nervous? I should lie incredibly still so that I’m like the absolute best dental patient they’ve ever had. I’ll be super impressive. Wait a second, they’re making thousands of dollars off of this. Bastards! I should be the worst patient they’ve ever had, so they really deserve my money. OH MY GOD did my tooth just fall apart? What if the anesthesia wears off and I start feeling this?”

Eventually I got out of there, still very much alive, and with a little sack of tooth-related paraphernalia that I’ll eventually find shoved in the nether regions of my backseat. But it was touch and go there for a minute.

I LOVE YOU, I BET THAT MEANS YOU’RE GOING TO DIE

Alex is the only guy I’ve ever been in love with. And that is super great. Except for the fact that now I’m worried he’s going to die and I’m going to have to figure out how to live my life without him in it. Every single time he leaves the house I scream through the crack in the closing door:

I know I should be like the incredibly inspirational people who are determined to turn their grief into cry-worthy YouTube videos or global social movements, but I’m pretty sure I would just wither up into a dry and brittle shell of myself. I know this for a fact, since I spend significant parts of my day imagining it. Thankfully Alex and I are getting married, which means I will never let him out of my sight until the day we die. What a lucky guy.

THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A MAP

I like to think I’m the sort of person who would still be alive at the end of a slasher movie. Outwit a murderous clown on a rampage because people teased him in elementary school? No problem. But what about the dystopian movies, where the infrastructure collapses and people have to shoot each other in order to steal antibiotics from pharmacies while running around with duffel bags of orange soda? I would die. Not because I can’t go all Hunger Games over a can of tuna, but because people in those movies are always sneaking their way across the country, navigating on back roads and cutting through the woods. I would die. I can’t even find my doctor’s office and I’ve been going there for the last 17 years. In fact, I don’t even know where my car is parked right now.

What gives YOU anxiety? Do you grow less reckless with age? Do you think you’ll survive the apocalypse?

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Ahh haha yes. I’ve not done this to Alex, but I’ve done it to Zola. My poor children will likely grow up with all sorts of memories of waking up terrified to see their mother stooped over them, feeling for a breath.

I think my anxiety is like a traveling salesman father. It’s like he’s here and when he’s here he’s super active and involved and then he just disappears for a while and no one knows when he’ll return. But he usually does.

I think I might have mentioned this on this blog before, or if not then it was on another blog, oh no, now I’m anxious about the fact that I can’t remember what blog I posted this comment on! Anyway, what I said (somewhere) before is that usually when something bad happens, it’s something we’d never thought of, so therefore worrying and being anxious about as many things as we can think of is surely just insurance against those things happening, right? OR HAVE I JINXED IT NOW JUST BY SAYING THAT?! Mind you, I have said it before, somewhere, so it must be ok…BUT WHAT IF ONE TIME WAS ALRIGHT BUT NOW IT’S NOT?!…

Yeah, I don’t suffer much from anxiety, I’m pretty chilled about everything really.

Ha!!! YES! This makes absolutely perfect sense to me as well. Just today I was in a meeting with a super short agenda and I said something about how it would be a short meeting, but it ended up going long, and it probably would’ve been short if I hadn’t jinxed it, just like sometimes I worry about a meeting being really long so I complain about it and then it’s short and then I know that if I hadn’t complained about it then it would have been long, but I just reversed the order of the universe by having stress over things I can’t control.
I am also very chill.

Ugh. I know. I’ve been that way most of my life but the last few years has made me mildly crazy and more capable of handling it. Sometimes it’s also a little fun because people don’t know what to do when you’re super blunt.

I think anxiety comes with age sometime in the thirties. It just shows up one day like a terrible birthday present from the universe with a note that says. “oh you think you have it all figured out, well here you go try this on.”

1. Alex is really the only person you’ve ever been in love with? That’s so sweet. I wish you many years of happiness.

2. I hate the dentist. When I got my wisdom teeth out he didn’t use enough novacaine and I felt my tooth shatter in my jaw as he was pulling it out. I was under conscious sedation so I was blubbering that i felt everything while blood gushed from my jaw. Then when I was high as a kite on vicodin my brother and I laid on the couch together singing Rocky Horror Picture Show (Because who doesn’t think of sweet transvestites when they’re high?)

3. On to your actual question…

I was reckless until I almost fucking died. When I was dating my Alex, about three days after the whole sweet transvestite thing with my brother, I was driving back to my apartment in Fairbanks (Alex lived thirty miles south of where I was living) and I feel asleep behind the wheel, I hit a patch of black ice, my car spun out of control and I flipped it. I was trapped in my car, upside down, for twenty minutes. A few things happened after that: I have panic attacks driving now and I got engaged a few days after that. Driving terrifies me now, especially if I have passengers. Oh, and thanks to military functions, I have horrible social anxiety that’s self medicated with hard liquor.

2. That sounds like a nightmare. I was completely sedated when I got my wisdom teeth out. It was the best day of my entire teenage life.

3. Woah. I knew about your car accident, I didn’t know it was because you fell asleep. That’s super scary. I have anxiety related to trains, but let’s not speak of it for now, ha. And it’s a good thing that there is liquor at the events that give you anxiety– it’s like a big cancel out!

Well I was pretty conked out. When I “fell asleep,” it was a few days after I got my wisdom teeth out and I think I was still a little high on the vicodin. And I was working two full time jobs at that time and I had just worked two days where I worked 8 hours at both jobs so I was absolutely exhausted and had vicodin.

As for the booze… Every mental health professional I’ve met outside of their profession were alcoholics. It’s totally acceptable.

Thankfully I can read a map and shoot a gun, but going to the dentist turns me into a quivering bundle of nerves. One day someone will just fall right down my throat and I’ll die. Or they’ll drop an instrument and I won’t die but just be horribly maimed, never able to chew, swallow or talk again. Thanks for the reminder of my next dental appointment…

Oh my gosh, Sofia. I hadn’t even thought about them just maiming my tongue and rendering me mute. What would all my loved ones do without all the incredibly intelligent things I say all the time? Or it could slice our faces off and we’d look like Two Face from Batman. Woah. I’m canceling my next appointment. And not just because they sent me a $300 bill in the mail.

That’s an interesting way to measure your sentiments… makes sense. I’d love to see you explain it to a guy as you broke up with him though– “I realized I wasn’t imagining you stuck on train tracks when you drove away. So we’re through.”

I get lost going around the block, so yeah, I get very anxious if I’m driving by myself. As for the dentist? Oh wow, last month I went to get a tooth pulled, had my very first panic attack. In the dentist chair in front of the dentist and his assistant. I couldn’t breath! Literally could not breath! Never happened before in my life. I’m suppose to go again this Friday, but am seriously thinking of cancelling lol.

As for doing risky things? Yes. I did them when I was younger. Could have/should have been killed many years ago. I never expected to see 30 years old, but here I am an older woman now. Life is strange.

Are you serious? That is crazy, Jackie! I’m sorry you had a panic attack 🙁 But how damn random to just get one out of nowhere, over something you’ve already been through before. SEE?! Someone is to blame for this. It’s surely not our own brains fault.

How long will the four cans of soup and three cans of tuna in the cupboard last my dear wife Karen and I when the economy collapses? Can we eat the plants in our butterfly garden? Can Ellie B aka Dogamous Pyle be mean enough to keep the hungry vagabonds away? Yeah, anxiety, Aussa.

RIGHT? I sat in a disaster planning meeting a few weeks ago and made fun of everything the entire time and then I came home and grabbed Alex and was like “WE HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SURVIVE 96 HOURS, WE WILL DIE.” Because my cupboard sounds a LOT like yours. Add in a lot of wooden chopsticks and cake sprinkles and that’s me.

And we make fun of survivalists, our society does, Aussa, in movies and books and … They’ve taken our wild anxieties and ran with it, you know? How about this one, though? Stock up on the canned goods and they’ll all expire anyway. Hah!

The food pantries of our world would be glad to get into the rotation, Aussa. Of course I know that there’s a whole industry that thrives on selling freeze-dried rations to the survivalists, but, I’d never buy nor want to eat that stuff. Bleck! Like you and the canned, I think.

No one can fault you for the anxiety in the dentist’s chair. Though I’ve never worried about dropping boogies (thanks for that one, by the way, ’cause I sure will now), I always worry about the Novocaine being insufficient and an excruciating stab of pain befalling me. Definitely not my favorite place to be. (Even though I love my dentist. She’s awesome.)

Lately, I find myself worrying about growing old alone — I see visions of me, lying dead of (insert your favorite malady here), in the bathtub of my tiny, old lady apartment — bloated, with my face and fingers eaten off by one of my 35 cats (because it’s just logical to think that I’ll be a crazy cat lady by that time). The only reason that I’ll be found is because my death stench will finally get so bad that it finally registers in the disfunctional olfactories of one of my ancient, unfriendly neighbors, who will then call the police.

JANA!!!!!!!! Stop that! Okay, no, I’m not allowed to tell you to stop feeling what you’re feeling, but no! How man cats do you have right now? We will have to put some plan in place to ensure it doesn’t get to 35. I will take some if you need me to, because I need a cat and there will need to be some really good justification in order for me to convince Alex.

I actually only have two cats just now – and quite frankly, they usually bug the crap out of me. All that scratching on stuff that shouldn’t be scratched on, shedding all over the place, and depositing piles of vomit, conveniently placed so that I will step on them in the early morning hours (in my bare feet). They’ve also started peeing in the bathroom of late – not in the toilet (because that would be kind of creepy/cool), but right IN FRONT of the toilet. What the hell? I’m thinking it is a behavioral thing related to Doc leaving – as it only happens after he comes to the house to do something. Maybe he uses my bathroom while he is here and they are trying to get rid of the stinky man scent (or mark their territory)? Who knows – but I’ve decided that I will NOT be getting anymore cats. Maybe birds…..?

You know… that’s such a good point. I think maybe I was less aware of what could be lost back then. And having Alex against all odds (I mean, hellooooo, my blog is a testament to that) makes me terrified of losing him.

I don’t know how to respond to some of you posts… because your mind works sort of like mine… bouncing all over the place… and I love that, but I want to respond to each sentence, and then I would bounce off to new places from each comment I made and by the time I was done, my comment would be three times longer than your post… so… good job…

Ha to both of you! Mr. Wonderful used to call me Edith (Bunker) because I always drift off on a tangent. A 2 minute story told by me is easily a 10 minute ordeal, but you get about 5 stories in addition to the original.

I get anxious going to the dentist. They’re scary, Aussa. I don’t like all those tools and drills either! Goodness. Things that may cause pain probably give me the most anxiety. I’m better about the mental side of things. I think stuff isn’t as bad as we think it will be. And, it’s better not to have a whole bunch of expectations about what an experience should or shouldn’t be. I think this helps!

I try not to have expectations either. Even to the point of not wanting to see trailers for movies or photos of a place I’m traveling to. And I wonder sometimes if watching Youtube videos of things like surgery or the dentist might help me demystify it and thus be less afraid… but that could easily backfire.

Yeap. I can’t talk about it, or the anxiety level will rise. I have had nights that I had to talk myself down after waking full of anxiety. (and checked on the kids) Irrational. Everything is fine. STOP WORRYING. I also believe it to be a learned activity. Somehow in the raising of my daughter I have managed to teach her. The only good part is, although I find it funny, just as I have found this post Aussa, I completely understand it.

“sneaking their way across the country, navigating on back roads and cutting through the woods. I would die”
You can come with me, I have a fairly good sense of direction, as well as a pretty solid will to live.

I will stock up on bee spray and definitely find my way to you, Julie. And I can see that anxiety would be a sort of learned behavior… looking at my Mom and myself, and some of my other friends and their moms, I can see a lot of things like that that are consistent. I shudder to think what I might pass on to my own kid 😉

Oh. I hadn’t thought about how you were going to find me… Maybe some sort of bat-signal… I am pretty sure you will pass on coping skills for any neurotic behaviors you accidentally pass on to your kids.

Boy, do I relate to this. I’m also worthless with a map and would definitely be one of the first to be eaten in a zombie apocalypse. The one skipping through my brain right now is that my daughter will be kidnapped and when the kidnappers call with the location of the money drop they’ll say it fast and hang up before I can get a pen to write it down and I know I won’t remember it.

Oh my gosh, Liz! That is a horrible anxiety. Or that you’ll start writing it on yourself and the pen won’t work and you’ll be so busy trying to get it flowing that you won’t listen. Awful. I think similar things, but with license plates. Like I will witness something and be unable to write down a license plate. OR that I will be standing there and need to film something and my iPhone will tell me I have no memory. I think about that more than is probably reasonable…

i really don’t have much anxiety, except that i will be a victim of dental torture like in marathon man, that a killer clown/doll/puppet will kill me, and that i will fall through a glass thing way up high and plummet to a slow death. okay, i guess i do have anxiety.

My wife and I are perfectly matched… I have no anxiety and she has enough for ten people!
I can navigate without a map and she can’t navigate even with a map.
Worse than a dangling booger is when the boogers whistle!

Everything gives me anxiety. The news, the world, the weird lady at the supermarket who brushed past me and might have planted a bomb on me, elevators and dark windows and my mind. Just to name a few. I’m a teenage girl, but the last time my mom and I went to the’ movie theater and she wanted a drink, I almost didn’t go because I just HAD to be there to protect her. I told her that out loud and you know she laughed. She now knows how to knock someone unconscious because she has to know if I’m not there to do it though. Just safety measures…

But ELEVATORS. Have you seen the youtube video of the guy who was trapped in an elevator in NYC? It was like 17 hours or something. I read about it in the New Yorker and then had to look it up. Nerve wracking stuff.

I haven’t actually! 17 hours?! That’s crazy. I once went in an elevator with some people I knew but it was made of glass. Well, thank God the carpeted floor was normal but you could see everything anyway. So, it went higher and higher and at the tippy top it gave a little bump and BAM! I was sprawled out on the floor. No one ever lets me forget…

Hee hee, I know you’re funny, but did you mean this in a “social media site” kind of way or a “Freudian kind of way” ? Is your fiancé fer realsies? Or do you have Alex hidden away somewhere at an undisclosed location?

” Thankfully Alex and I are getting married, which means I will never let him out of my site until the day we die”

Pay no attention to me; I’m packing a suitcase to drive to the airport 5 hours early for a 1 1/2 flight to SF to see my son/DIL. I have my own issues.
xo

I was on vacation in Scotland this summer and I was taking the subway in Glasgow, and I all of the sudden started internally freaking out about the possibility of someone (possibly me, but I was worried for all the other passengers too) falling onto the tracks. I kept doing that sucking-in-your-breath-sharply thing every time anyone walked even a little bit close to the edge of the platform, and since it was a pretty small subway station, that happened a lot, because there wasn’t a whole lot of space to walk otherwise. At one point a woman walked by with a little kid and I had this vision of the kid falling off the platform onto the tracks and then the mom having to jump down to get him and the train was coming… There was no particular reason for this, except maybe that I very rarely ride the subway–like once every 10 years–and I guess I thought of the worst-case scenario and figured that it would certainly happen on my once-a-decade subway-riding excursion. The really weird thing is that normally I am not anxious at all. I have a probably overly optimistic view of things, and I generally assume things will be OK.

Also, I have an incredibly terrible sense of direction. I one time drove about 100 miles in the wrong direction–and didn’t notice.

And I immediately adore you. I think the same exact thing anytime I take a subway. About 85% of my mental energy is devoted to imagining someone falling down there, and how I would rescue them/climb out myself.

And I have not driven THAT far in the wrong direction (kudos! super impressive!) but I did drive about half an hour directly North when I was supposed to drive South, to the state below me.

Oh, Aussa. Your car is right out back, next to that white minivan. No, wait-

I share your kind of anxieties, but I try to look at it like I’m just a really loving mother/wife, right?

“OMG DON’T LEAVE YET, I need a hug and a kiss. And be careful driving. Watch for people running the lights. Don’t walk anywhere alone. Don’t touch anything because EBOLA (thanks, another thing to freak out about). Wash your hands every 10 minutes. No texting while driving, not even to answer my text asking if you’re still alive.. Wait. I need a hug. Ok, bye. No, wait. Did I tell you to drive careful? Ok, yeah. Bye. Wait–”

My family getting out the door can be a long process around here, lol.

HA! yep, especially helpful if the friends can form a circle around them, then there is protection from all angles. I am not kidding. I did tell them this, although I was kind of semi kidding when I told them… Huh… I wonder how anxiety gets passed on…..

Hahaha! I love it. Love the part about not answering your texts on whether they’re alive. So funny, but so true. Sometimes I’ll text Alex for an ETA and when he replies I’m like “OMG STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING.”

Great! I wasn’t anxious until you started letting me know everything I should be anxious about!!

Speaking of reading a map… I was younger, eh, teenage years, and I was riding shot gun and in charge of the map (Because way back then GPS didn’t really exist). I knew we were on the road, and I was just following along. My dad goes, “I think we missed a turn”.
“How can you miss a turn, you’re on the road”

Yeah, apparently sometimes to follow the right road, you do have to turn, and when the map showed a turn, it wasn’t the road slightly curving – I was supposed to tell him to turn. (It confused me then, and apparently I still have issues with it today because there is no way that explanation made sense! )

Hahahaha I love it. Story of my life right there. I’ve gotten lost in a tiny park in my city, where the walking path is a circle. A CIRCLE. Somehow I got completely off of it, because there are all these little side paths, and ended up in some no mans land of future housing developments. And of course it was a gillion degrees and Zola was foaming at the mouth. I even had GPS, which I kept looking at, and not understanding. So bad.

My cat. He’s the only thing that ever makes me anxious. I mean he’s huge – a pure bred Maine Coon that was bigger than my seven year old until last year! And he’s shifty. He goes from pure love to nuclear hatred in 0.5 seconds. If I pet him one more time than he wants to me pet, he rolls over and claws at my hand. What’s worse, is that his whims change from day to day – even from minute to minute! I could be sitting on my couch, paying him no mind at all, and WHAM he would appear from somewhere above me (or below me, I really don’t know – he’s part ninja) and smack me on the back of my head with his paw before disappearing into the darkness again. For no reason! Perhaps I paid too much attention to him earlier that day. Or not enough. Or I was a minute late with his breakfast. Who knows? And then there are the stairs. He would just lie in wait for me in the shadows. As soon as I would hit the top step he would appear from nowhere and wrap his massive paws around my leg, trying to fling me down to my death.

You can put me in the middle of a zombie horde, or strapped to a dentist’s chair any day of the week. But don’t leave me alone with my cat. Please.

I think I love your cat. I had a Siamese that used to hide under my bed and attack when I got up in the morning. Nothing like a set of claws through the underwear to get the blood pumping in the morning!

Oh my gosh! That is pure wild animal craziness! I’ve never had an indoor cat, so I don’t know if this is normal behavior but this doesn’t seem like any of the cats I’ve met… therefore I can only conclude that your cat is quite clearly trying to kill you. Obviously you’ve already figured this out, but it helps to have a second opinion, and mine is that it’s probably too late.

I have anxiety over everything and it’s only getting worse the older I get and the older Camryn gets. I sometimes lay my hand on Ken’s back to make sure he is breathing when he sleeps, I will get up tired in the middle of the night to make sure nobody kidnapped the kids. I’m afraid to go to sleep some nights because I’m afraid I will die in my sleep. Trains make me nervous, guns scare me, anyone who drives a van in my neighborhood, I memorize the license plate in case our girls go missing, then I can give the cops a place to start. Seriously..I can imagine any negative scenario happening in any situation. *My doctor keeps me medicated. HA! But, I’m a lot of fun and I bet one day my craziness pays off. maybe.

“Insane Reality” is a good way of putting it. Sometimes people will propose these absolutely ridiculous conspiracy theories and I’m like…. you know… I don’t think it’s impossible. Because pretty much nothing is impossible.

I most definitely grow less reckless with age. I refer to my 20’s as my stupid years. I was pretty balls-y. Still am I guess, but in different ways. Having a family and a house does that. I don’t have a lot of anxiety these days, but my last semester of college, I bottled up a butt-ton of stress and then started having panic attacks during classes. I had no idea what was going on, but it felt like my heart stopped beating, and while I waited for it to start up again, I saw the walls start to close in on me. Finally, my heart would begin to pound, and I could breathe again. Not fun. It never occurred to me that it was an anxiety attack until quite some time after they went away.

I never really had anxiety until people started dying. First was my brother, then one of my best friends…these two people were close to my soul. They died within a year of each other and at the time my boyfriend (now husband) was the only other person that would be soul-wrenching to lose. So, I quietly became very anxious about him but never really verbalized it. He goes to sleep before me and I still wait (almost 10 years later) anxiously to hear him breathe or turn over before I can relax enough to fall asleep. I also have some panic in places with large crowds, which is weird because I’m a people watcher but now I get a bit claustrophobic with lots of people. Now there are a few people who I have let in enough to shatter me if they leave this world before me. Will be interesting to see how I process the next one, hopefully it will be me next…not to sound morbid and selfish but I seriously don’t want to lose anyone else I value and prefer I be next instead. I fear for my sanity with regard to death, I don’t fear for my life.

Never apologize. I’m so sorry that you lost your brother and your best friend, and within such a short time period. It seems so unthinkable, that life can pile that much grief up in a short amount of time. I’m not sure I believe in full recovery from that sort of loss. We just find a new way to live, and I think that can be enough. I don’t think you sound morbid at all.

Ah, anxiety. It may tie with depression on my list of various mental issues, actually. It’s a bit of a vicious circle thing sometimes, particularly with school.

Anxiety is weird. Sometimes my mind goes, “Okay, this is pretty easy. I’m probably doing this correctly.” But then other times it goes, “I think I’m doing this wrong. No, I KNOW I’m doing this wrong! I know I’m doing this wrong but I have no idea what to do! WHYYYYYYYYYY?!”

Ah, my sense of direction. Sometimes it’s quite good, but more often it’s just plain bad. Still, I’m not sure you need much of a sense of direction in post-apocalyptic situations. It seems more often the idea is “I’m going to go in that direction while hoping nobody kills me.”

I’m hoping I’ll get more reckless as I age. And then calm down, of course, but I really need some way to make my enjoyment of adrenaline into an addiction. (I need more excitement in my life.) ‘

Whether or not I’d survive in the apocalypse is a moot question. The way I see it, I am fairly likely to end up at one of two extremes: Hiding in terror and welcoming death, or becoming a complete sociopath, going, “I don’t care what I have to do to keep alive, I WILL DO IT! … I never much liked people anyway…”

Well, I know I can’t say I “know” you, but I’m kind of blown away by the grasp you have on reality, despite being a high schooler. NOT to downplay your age group, but just thinking back on myself… I was pretty oblivious about the world at large, for a long time. All that to say– I imagine you are rarely doing everything wrong and have no idea!

More excitement, eh? Be careful what you wish for 🙂 I remember thinking my life was boring…

And! Sociopath or hiding in terror… yes, I can relate to that dichotomy of possibility.

Yeah, God, the ability of some of my peers to disgust me (and/or make me wonder at their apparent shallowness) somehow still manages to surprise me. There’s a more specific post along that line on my livejournal, actually…

My mind is weird… mostly I have a good grasp on reality, but then the ADD kicks in and I think something along the lines of: “I wonder what puffins look like when they’re babies?”

I have a feeling that my life will soon get either much more interesting or horribly boring. But there’s also university…! Great news on that front, too.

As for maps and the apocalypse, turn left at the locusts, right at the second horseman, and look for the sign that says YOUR DOOM 16 mi. then turn in the opposite direction.
I have anxiety about having needles stuck into my eyes, but I just spent all day getting my doctor to arrange for me to have cataract surgery. Apparently I feel that going blind is worse. We’ll (hopefully) see if I was right.

OH man. I don’t have the slightest clue what all cataract surgery entails, I just know that people are always very happy when it’s done and their eyes are better! But there are needles? Don’t we just laser beam people these days? I mean, I know we’re not talking about Lasik, but still… that’s frightening. I mean, no. That’s awesome! Way to be proactive about your health! It’ll all be dandy!

I don’t know exactly when yet, I’m on the ASAP list at Highland, the county hospital that has taken such good care of me. As happy as I am that I will be getting my eyesight back, the actual surgery terrifies me for three reasons: First of all, I’ve never had surgery before, second, the surgery itself (they remove the lens from your eyeball and replace it with a plastic one), and third, they do it while you’re awake. Yoiks. I keep telling myself that millions of people have had this done, and I even know some of them, and to a one they’re all happy as hell thy did it, but yoiks.

Okay, the being awake part is a little frightening. But knowing those numbers, and knowing other people that have been through it should definitely be a comfort. I always tell myself, in those sorts of frightening situations, or in times when I’ll feel pain, that if anyone else has ever survived it, I will too. Maybe that’s my ego. Well keep me posted, I hope they get you in and out soon.

Omg…what DOESN’T give me anxiety? Trip to the beach? Are we gonna die in a wreck? Fly to my bestie’s house in Dallas? Plane, please don’t crash! Bad day at work? Am I going to get written up? That extra vodka tonic? My liver is going to fall out. For a long time, I was convinced that my picture was in the dictionary by the word anxiety. Yoga and meditation are my friends, now that I am getting older. Let’s face it…the older you get, the more chances you have of bad shit happening to your body. Yeah, like I’m going to go to bed and fall asleep now….why didn’t I read this at work when the notification hit my inbox? *sigh*

Ha! Oh no, I hope you were able to sleep last night! Don’t read this reply until morning 😉 Just kidding! I need to do yoga and meditate. I always tell myself to start these habits. And then I watch Netflix. OH MA GAH the last time I flew to NYC I really thought the plane was going to crash. I’m an idiot. Not like I haven’t flown all over the world on poor airlines that can barely keep the lights on.

Don’t know exactly why, but reading this made me nervous. LOL. We have a thing or two in common on the anxiety front. I am also a worrier by way of my gene pool. My dad’s side. So I tend to carry stuff around. Exercise is a great outlet for that. As far as the navigation thing? I never know where I am going. I could get lost in a shoe box. Also genetic I am sure. From my mom’s side. Any way, try not to get anxious friend. Relax and have an Aussome life one day at a time.

One day at a time, indeed! Today was actually one of the best day’s I’ve had in a while… so writing all of this out must have helped me 😉 Then again, I also didn’t have to fly on any airplanes or go to the dentist, ha! And I’m glad I’m not the only terrible navigator!

Ha! I am surprised that you are catching the anxiety bug after trekking through Asia alone. What gives me anxiety? All the same things you named and more. I’m what they call … what is it again?…. Neurotic. Well, at least my misery now has company. 😛

Right? So funny. I never really thought to worry when I was over there. And most of the routinely risky stuff still just gives me thrills and a sense of adventure… it’s the humdrum that’s suddenly frightening, which is why I refuse to accept responsibility for the way I’m feeling 😉

You know, I had forgotten about this comment, and when I saw your reply, it got me thinking (I’m so into trying to figure out the workings of the human mind). It seems like when things are going well in our lives, we’re just waiting for that other shoe to drop. Back when you traveled across the globe, things were not good (or at least that’s the impression I got). Maybe, deep down, you figured you had nothing to lose. Now you do feel like you have something to lose, because your life is good. Not that you will lose anything, but it’s where our minds tend to go, at least it does for me. Sorry, I’m playing armchair psycho, I mean, psychologist again. 😉

No, no, that’s exactly true. I’ve thought a lot about that, actually. It was such an absolute low point in my life, and I had very few things that I would mourn to lose, that it didn’t seem like such a huge risk. Even my own personal safety had been violated in the months before, so that probably threw off my whole reference. You’re an excellent armchair psycho 😉

wow and I thought I was the only one…Sometimes when I get up in the morning I am so anxious I can’t breathe. I worry about my future, about the money and about my loved ones.
When I read about you worrying about your partner dying I realise I have exactly the same thing. I did the same with the X. I was constantly worried he might die. Now, cause I don’t have a boyfriend, I transferred these feelings onto my sister. Now, I imagine she might die any day and what would I do if she does. Isn’t it stupid? We miss so much in our lives because we have those stupid feelings and anxieties.

It’s true. I try– constantly– to be more mindful about appreciating what I have right now, and not complaining because for the most part… I really don’t have big problems. And I have a ton to be thankful for. Though I’m not gonna lie, I just pulled up this comment and was like OMG ALEX DIDN’T TEXT ME AFTER HE DROVE HOME, IS HE ALIVE? I just asked that very question to him. Keep your fingers crossed.

That was hilarious Aussa – poor Zola being woken up to see if she was dead. Ha! i have low levels of anxiety about the same things, but as soon as the door is shut or the movie on the ceiling of my dentist changes, I forget about it. But, I know how to make you feel better. I had an employee, a gas tanker driver, who was the most anxious man I had ever met. He worried about everything. His safety and customer record was exemplary and you never, ever, ever wanted to ask how his day went. He got into and then back out of the scariest situations I have ever seen in my life – without a scratch on himself or anyone else. When we hired him, he was a transport driving instructor for another company with a spotless driving record and enough driving and teaching liscences to wallpaper a room. I had a conversation with him one day, over coffee and it gave me some insight into how badly his anxietty screwed up his life. He told me he was moving hs family and I asked why (Mistake). He was living in an apartment with a balcony and he had had a nightmare that his young daughter had run onto the balconey and had fallen off to her death. I told him that his anxiety had obviously spread to his dreams. He agreed but then said “But what of it was a premonition that came true? How could i ever forgive myself?” I pondered that and then agreed, he could never forgive himself. But to move because you had a bad dream – very few of which ever became reality? Yikes!

His days were filled with some scary stuff. He once hit a patch of black ice with a B-train tanker load of gas (two trailers pulled by one tractor) and went sideways on a two lane road in a rural area. With the tractor in the right snowbank and the rear traler in the left snowbank, and still doing 50 mph sideways, he met a car coming the other way. The car drove into the snowbank and my driver missed him and got the truck stopped. They dug out the car and there wasn’t a scratch. They both went their merry ways. Thank you God.

Anyway, you have a ways to go yet before getting to that level Aussa, so you’ll be fine. Carry On!

Woah! Poor guy, it would be different if he didn’t have terrible scary things happening all the time, no wonder he was afraid his dream would come true :-/ Of course, I seem to have a fair amount of bad luck, but I view it as good luck because I seem to always survive 😉 I can’t imagine moving because of a bad dream. That’s serious stuff…

Worzel here, never thought I would live to get this old, anxious to discover why. Anxious as I live in an area with many street people, and one gobby remark to my idiot boss will compel me there. Anxious after menopause comes fear of bladder control. Oh for the hitch hiking, the mingy squats, enjoy your youth, Aussa, old age is an anxious time…

God you crack me up… The Dentist. Don’t even talk to me about The Dentist. Who the Hell wants to spend their time in people’s Mouths?! It’s just wrong!!! And metal on teeth – it’s just like nails down a blackboard torture to me.. Plus I have the lowest pain threshold ever so I squirm when the hygienist even Looks at me… yeah, so I’ve avoided TD for some time now… My teeth will probably fall out. And I’ll be one of the first to go in the apocalypse too… I landed in Perth today and had one job to do – aim for the coast and reach the beach, then turn right. I ended up over half an hour inland before realising I should have been out to sea by that point….

Hahaha! Okay that is SO the sort of navigating I would do. Even with something as significant as an ocean… Nope, missed it! And Alex hasn’t been to the dentist in YEARS. You guys can be in dentures together 😉

Also, reading this, I realized who’s to blame: Mary Lambert. Her song, she says “I’m scared of the dark and the dentist.” I’ve listened to it on repeat a lot in the last few months. It’s totes her fault.

I think you’re on to something, Aussa, and I feel the same way. The more I read about the (long) list of meds various colourful people have to take, the more I start seeing similarities within myself. (Not good!) So the “anxiety/PSTD/OCD” posts that I take in are right up there with the Illuminati crap I like to study. It’s good to visit, but I don’t plan on staying! Great post. ;0)

Aussa, our son suffers from OCD/Anxiety and he is only 14. I get it, I live it all the time, every day. I catch myself doing the same thing every time my hubby leaves for work, the commute home and back. I find myself anxious all the time until he makes it home safely. The Dentist or the OBGYN, which is worse?? LOL

Girl, I always end up posting late because I am a procrastinator, and end up having to scroll for ten minutes down to the bottom of the page. I BLAME YOU! And not my inability to do things in a timely manner.

““I love you, don’t run red lights, don’t text while driving, I love you, let me know when you’re home, please don’t die.” – THIS. I do this to my husband EVERY TIME HE GOES ANYWHERE. “Be careful! It’s raining! It will be dark out when you come home from work! Text me when you get there!”

That’s so funny! Hahahaha if he ever stops thinking I’m adorable (HE THINKS I’M ADORABLE, RIGHT? DID I JUST MAKE THAT UP?) then I’ll tell him that pretty much everyone else I know does the same thing, or at least Sarah from est. 1975 does, and she’s the only that really counts in these sorts of situations.

First, dentists … Honey, one word: “Nitrous Oxide”. Okay, that’s two words, but if you chose it for your password it would be squished together (n1tr0u$0x1de). The point being, demand it. I require it even for teeth cleaning. Lovely, lovely stuff!

Second, recklessness … hmmm … no real changes here. I’ve never been one for doing crazy shit that involves major expenditure of energy. Jumping out of aeroplanes, etc – not my style. On the other hand, never locking the door even when I lived in Johannesburg? No problem. I figure anyone who really wants to get in will do so, and if I don’t have to run around trying to remember where I put my key, I’m more likely to get out.

Third, the surviving the apocalypse – not a chance. Funnily enough I’ve been mulling over a blog post that touches upon this. I doubt that I’d last a week. Oh well … c’est la vie (or not).

Alright, I don’t think I’ve ever actually experienced Nitrous Oxide. That’s laughing gas, right? I remember being a very deep and thoughtful young person who was like “no, I would never do that, it would take me away from my rational faculties.” HA, not anymore! That sounds fun, I will definitely request it next time. Didn’t know it was an option…

And! Wowza, I can’t believe you didn’t lock the door in Johannesburg! Very true about people who want to get in, though…

The disappointing thing – for me – is that it doesn’t make me laugh. But it makes me nice and high. I get to sit up in a corner of the ceiling, contemplating the infinite, while they do unpleasant things to my mouthparts, and I don’t care at all.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all turn our anxiety into some kind of superconductor for green energy? Why isn’t science working on this? I’m pretty sure I could power at least my county with mine. And I have a lovely blog planned in which I discuss the ridiculous things I waste my time worrying about instead of, you know, actual threats.

Oooo I can’t wait to read that one. I worry about some incredibly petty things, not just things like Alex dying. And then there are the things I won’t do, because I’m afraid of them going wrong. Like getting laser vision correction. NOPE.

Harnessing the energy of anxiety is a brilliant idea. Surely there’s some research being done, somewhere.

Well, look on the bright side….you’re definitely not alone. It was actually our master plan the entire time. We had secret meetings trying to figure out how in the world we could convert a young woman who had traveled to insane places and lived in hostels with people having sex right over her head. It was tough going I tell you but we have achieved success. See, now you’re not only anxious, you’ll be paranoid too. You’re welcome.

Oh, I can talk about anxiety from every angle. You might want to tame the urge to smother Alex, men can be skittish around women that are too “needy”. Unless this is something he likes about you then “need” away. I had my first migraine while at a dental appointment, actually a surgeon for a root canal. I had the urge to throw up while they were working on me, there was a rubber dam in my mouth, a gaping hole in my tooth, when I vocalized “I ha hu ho uhh” translated “I have to throw up” I have no idea how the nurse understood me but she slapped a temporary filling in there and got me to the bathroom just in time. They were so sweet, told me I could come back to finish, but I felt so much better and figgured we should get this done. Well, after the oral surgeon replaced the rubber dam and removed the temp. filling, guess what? Yup, again blessings upon that poor nurse. After I threw up they then sent me home, I had to pull over THREE times to throw up. My headache got so bad my dad took me to an urgent care where I got a shot of demoral in the butt. I think we all should be allowed to take demoral OTC, I’m just saying, best trip I’ve ever been on 🙂 I got flowers the next day from the oral surgeon’s office, very nice people. I still get anxiety going to the dentist, among other things.

Wow. That’s a combination of the two worst things in the world. The dentist, and throwing up. I HATE throwing up. That’s terrible 🙁 And the anticipation of it is the very worst part. That’s so sweet that they sent you flowers though, wow! I’d be a lifelong customer after that, haha.

Dude, I have the dentist aversion too. Although, I never thought about possible nose missiles hitting my mouth. Thank God he wears a plastic shield over his face. I have so much anxiety…I’m anxious thinking about the anxiety that’s giving you anxiety.

I share the same discomforts as you at the dentist. I get so annoyed when he doesn’t wear his bloody face mask lol!
Oddly enough, I seem to have become more reckless over the recent years, but I don’t consider myself fully grown up yet. 🙂

Several of you have referenced this face mask apparatus, I’m going to have to order one for my dentist! The poor man. You know, I once called him at his house because I needed antibiotics and pain medicine, and he called it in for me on a Friday night. What a champ.

Going to the dentist gives me so much anxiety that I put it off at all costs. Despite the fact that I think my wisdom tooth is emerging and it hurts so bad I want to chop my mouth off… I will get through this on my own! Especially now that you made me think about boogers falling into my mouth.

Oh nooooo! That’s frightening about your wisdom tooth… unless, of course, it gives you extra wisdom and/or superpowers. Maybe the removal of wisdom teeth is really just the government trying to keep us stupid. Right?

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[…] Aussa Lorens posted a piece on anxiety on her blog today and it really got me thinking about the reality of my own anxiety and where it all came from. If you don’t know her, she works in a psych hospital. […]

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