The June issue of Allure is all about you, dear reader. You, and the self-diagnosed OCD sufferer, mommy-figure, nerdy girl, and contradiction-in-every-possible-term sexyface expert Megan Fox. And if that isn't enticing enough, Eli Roth reveals his beauty secrets. The horror!

Allure's claim to fame may be their service-y how-to guides that purport to teach readers about the intricacies of applying bronzer and washing your hair, but the most interesting thing in the June issue has nothing to do with choosing the right hair products or burning calories through (shocker!) walking. In my unbiased opinion, the best part of the mag is page 32, where they break down hair removal, "by the numbers." Fun fact: in the 17th century, witch-hunters used to shave the pubes of those accused of practicing the dark arts to symbolize removing the devil's protection. We also learn that 66% of straight men who have admitted to removing all their pubic hair at least once. Isn't body hair fascinating?

Even if you're not as enamored with pubes as the Allure editors are, you will be better served plucking out your own with a pair of rusty pliers than by trying to wade through the "50 Lazy Ways To Burn More Calories." In order to make a full 50, the editors were forced to dole out some questionable advice, including "Go on a date." According to a study from Canada, women tend to eat less in front of a random dude than they do with women, and Allure would like you to capitalize on this and any other insecurities you might have - all in the name of weight loss, natch. If that doesn't work, you could always try number 2, "drink coffee" (apparently 51 and 52 - smoke cigarettes and develop a coke habit didn't make the cut).

And finally, there is the Megan Fox interview. Alexandra Jacobs must have caught Fox on a bad day, because it reads like a laundry list of things the Transformers star hates. Everything from cooking to the paparazzi get bashed in her soundbites. More interesting, however, are her views on beauty and fame. This is just a sampling:

I hate looking at myself.

I hate receiving compliments; I hate being told I'm talented or people think I'm going to be a movie star.

I hate talking in front of large crowds of people... I don't like sharing myself.

Fame sure does sound like a bitch. It sounds like it might be time for a career change - or at least a mental health day.