Month: September 2016

I never thought I would see the day when I would know, really know, that I am worthy of appreciation and love. It feels real good to know this now, right to the core of me

it seemed like an insurmountable task, this loving me. oh god, I used to cringe if anyone complimented me. either I would not believe them or I would deflect the comment elsewhere ….oh, my hair is so mousy brown, this is such an old dress, I hate my freckles, they make me look silly …and oh my word, how many times I wished I was shorter, taller. slinkier, sexier …if any younger person reads this and is playing this sort of game – get over that habit right now – – get over it as soon as you can – life is way too short to stress about size and shape …

walk through any forest or woods – are you prejudiced against tall trees, leaning trees, short, squat trees, ones with round leaves, sharp needles? probably not – they are just trees, aren’t they?

we have to be like that with humans too. yes, I know that someone will say, but trees don’t murder each other, or sing with bad voices, or have acne! okay then – have your moment of argument – but leave me out of it please. I am writing this for me – and for anyone else who cares to read it. writing is my therapy. I understand myself better when I put things into words. putting it into public domain on a blog is possibly not essential, but I know that before I publish it, I preview it and edit it – so I get to play with and tweak my thinking before I press SHARE ….I get to see it the way others will see it …and it makes me think – also one of my favourite things to do

the shape I am in is perfect. the shape you are in is perfect. it may not be precisely how we want to be – we can get kinda lazy about our diet and our exercise regime (I admit to it …) but as humans, we are perfectly right for our journey

let us be kinder to others and ourselves. it takes almost no effort once it is an ingrained habit. letting go of judgement can be a challenge – so begin with the person most important to your life, your very own Self

firstly, I am going to have to remember how to do that, when I get back to my home town and my white car. it is a manual gear car. I have become accustomed to my black car on this side of the globe with its lovely auto gearbox, and in turn, become deliciously lazy…. recently I had to drive a clients’ manual shift car, and I kinda remembered to change gears until I got to 3 or 4, and then I would forget …until it dawned on me that there were more options – but to be fair – with the very low speed limits, it is hardly worth the effort …

yes – this changing gears thing. I though I had pretty much done all the direction and speed changes that I required in this lifetime …but clearly not. the sheen of working 24/7 for weeks on end to reward myself with almost as many weeks without work has faded. I am done with the whole idea of being isolated from the real world for batches of weeks at a time. I have lost touch with dearly beloved friends and family. I have lost touch with dearly beloved me. in theory I have plenty of time on my hands – in reality, my brain is incapable of settling down and focusing …as soon as I do, the client or the other carer speaks or asks for help, and the joy of what I was doing fades. I have become almost mindless – I watch tv programmes on my kindle (clients seldom watch things I want to see, or they refuse to have any noise (the current challenge) so no tv, music or radio …but she expects us to know what the current happenings are and the weather – always the weather. she is blind, so cannot read for herself ….it would seem that I am also incapable of reading a book, one of my most delicious pastimes ….gone …evaporated …

I see events being shared on social media and work does not allow me to say YES! my Soul says yes, but the contract say no……….

it’s enough … I have stuck it out for almost a year, but it is time to find the new track to drive on. perhaps this time, I will not be the only person in the car. this time, I may have fellow passengers – and that is going to make a huge difference after living alone for 16 years ….

wish me luck …WildChild and I are getting ready for the next AddVenture

*WildChild is the name of my teddy bear. She is funky and fun ….I may share another photo of her soon …currently she is in the car outside – she says she has had enough time with this particular client and would rather keep the car company ….gotta love her …