Last night was a rather stellar example of why I make it a habit to almost always let the phone go to voice mail.

First call:

Caller: Hi, you have puppies, right?

Me: We don’t have any puppies right now, sorry.

Caller: But your ad says you do.

Me: We don’t actually have an ad.

Caller: OK, well, on your website it says “Available puppies”. So I want to know which ones are available.

Me: But if you’d clicked the link, you would have seen that it says “We have no available puppies”.

Caller: Then maybe you shouldn’t put up ads that say you do!

Second call:

Caller: Hi, I’m calling about your French Bulldogs. I was wondering if you could tell me more about the breed, like how they are with kids, and their breeds standard, and their health issues and genetic concerns… stuff like that. (it sounded very much as if she was reading off of a list)

Me, noticing that it’s after 11 pm: Well, it’s sort of late, and I have a website that has pretty much all of that info on it already – I can give you the site address. (it’s http://www.frenchbulldogplanet.com, by the way)

Caller: I’ve seen most of the websites.

Me: Well, there are also some really good books I can recommend.

Caller: I have bought some books already.

Me: Umm, then what is it you still really need to know about Frenchies? (At eleven o’ clock at night?)

Caller: Well, nothing really – I just sort of would like to test out how much you know! I read someplace that that’s how you can tell if someone is a good breeder.

Me: Ummm, I’ve had Frenchies for almost twenty years, so…

Caller: But you might not have read those books like I did!

Me: Well, I wrote most of the on line suggested book lists.

Caller: But that doesn’t mean you read the books!

Me: Look, it’s really late, and we don’t have any puppies, and I designed those sites pretty much so I’d have one central place to send people to for breed info.

Caller: Ha, so you won’t tell me what you know, then?

Me: I’ll tell you that I don’t want you to own one of my puppies, because any dog that had to live in the same house with you would probably try to throw itself in front of a bus.

Then I hung up.

She called back three times, leaving increasingly irate messages, and this morning I found this email in my inbox:

You were SO RUDE TO ME last night, suggesting a dog of mine would do suicide. I could sue you for defamation of character for that, did you know? Instead I will start a website of my own telling people how HORRIBLE you are and that you don’t even know anything about French bulldogs.

I haven’t responded yet, but I did re-learn a valuable lesson – never, ever answer the phone. Oh, and it’s probably not a good idea to read email, either.

I don’t have that luxury, unfortunately…there was the woman who wanted me to sue the FCC because she was picking up radio stations on her teeth. I referred her to the evil woman who had previously been my boss and made my life miserable. Any breeders out there you really loathe?

No, no – I love everyone. Everyone is my friend, and all Frenchie breeders love each other. On weekends, after shows, we all give each other group hugs and back rubs.

/sarcasm

I have two breeders who really and seriously scare the living crap out of me, because I am at least partially convinced that they might be the earthly incarnation of Satan. Seriously, I’m sure I’ve seen horns and a 666 tattoo on one of them…. I’d never refer a phone call to them, because I’m afraid they’d somehow suck my soul out of my body if I did.

“all Frenchie breeders love each other. On weekends, after shows, we all give each other group hugs and back rubs”
Yes, I noticed that on frenchbulldog-l, and found it heartwarming. You know, like that lion video.

Yes, I noticed that on frenchbulldog-l, and found it heartwarming. You know, like that lion video.

Believe it or not, this is a really mellow list right now. Just ask Charlotte – blows have almost been exchanged, lawsuits threatened, names called and cries of “Slander! Calumny! Lies” exchanged. I seem to recall at least one if not death threat, then at least “I’ll kick yer ass” threat.

That’s one of the joys of an unmoderated list full of cranky women who are all convinced that their way is the only way, and if you disagree, you’re an idiot. It’s like everyone’s spinster aunt on crack, over caffeinated and connected to the net.

Oh lordy! The tales I could tell. Living in a small town (think Mayberry meets Lake Wobegon) and being the only training business around, I get crazy person calls at ALL hours of the day and night. Seriously, people will call me at midnight (or worse, yet 5 am) with a *training emergency* that HAS TO BE DEALT WITH NOW!!!

Said emergency generally turns out to be a spoiled / neglected / untrained / flea-infested dog that has been a problem for years… “But I need you to fix it NOW!”

Thank you so much for reminding my why I let nearly all my calls go to VM. Some day I’ll be rich and hire a secretary and I’ll train her to answer the phone like an over-caffeinated spinster aunt on crack.