diamond geezer

Saturday, June 04, 2016

It's been nine months since I last showcased a selection of inappropriate attempts at marketing outreach which have spluttered into my inbox. So here are a few more, in my continued attempt not to get any more.

Dear Diamond Geezer,
My name's Joanna and I'm the author behind the new blog <name of blog> that can be viewed at <URL>. I write about city walks in London and in <town that isn't London> and also share some of my reflections on life. I thought you may be interested in visiting my blog. Whenever you have a moment, have a look at <URL> and comment on the posts that you enjoyed. If you like something in particular it would be also great if you share it on social media with your followers.

I have commented on all the posts I enjoyed, Joanna, although you may not have noticed.

Dear Diamond Geezer,
We would like to invite you and your friends, family and colleagues to join us in celebrating the brand new look of our renowned British Brasserie, <name of Brasserie> at <Docklands location>. Come and experience our beautiful new surroundings, indulge in our delicious classic canapés and celebrate with our expertly mixed cocktails. All on us!

I promptly unsubscribed from this email stream, so the unnamed PR gnome sent me another identical invite just to rub their freebie in my face.

Hi Diamond Geezer,
I hope you're having an awesome day! I'm Alex, the Affiliate Partnerships Manager at <online estate agency> and I think we can work together. I've noticed that your topics and audience may align with the sorts of customers <online estate agency> typically attracts. We're hoping to establish a long-term partnership where we work with you to co-create content through which you'd would earn on BOTH a CPL and CPA basis as long as the links are live on DG.

My hunch was that you wouldn't enjoy Alex's co-created content, nor sign up and make me rich, so I spurned his CPL and CPA.

Good morning,
How are you?? I thought I would send you below in case it worked for any diary pages or features and, of course, we would love for you to come down on the press launch too.

Lucie's attempt to send me below was entirely unsuccessful.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I work for a media contacts database company called <database company>. We would like your permission for us to list your blog in our database. The database has over 16,000 media outlets and over 40,000 editorial contacts. We are used by PR professionals to create media lists to target influencers with story ideas, event invitations, product samples and other promotional material.

I never sign up for influencer spam, Patrick.

Hi,
Hope you’re well. I’m working with <wireless broadband service> who have just released a video experiment to see how many Londoners would pay unexpected charges from a fake council warden whilst going about their daily lives at <YouTube link>. I think the video would go down really well on the blog.

Of course you do, Mike, but your attempt at viral seeding fell flat when I couldn't be bothered to view your crass video concept in the first place.

Bonjour Diamond Geezer Team

It only took four words for Jasmin's email to end up in the bin.

Dear Diamond Geezer,
I hope you're well. I’m excited to let you know that tomorrow <app company> will be releasing the long-awaited successor to our popular <transport app> app, which has had over 2 million downloads to date. I’m pleased to attach a press release below. I would be most grateful for any coverage you’re able to give this release and please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any further questions.

I asked Lara to unsubscribe me from her marketing communications, to which her response was...

Will do. If you would like to follow us on Twitter instead, our handles are @<app company> and @<transport app>.

...so Lara clearly didn't get the message.

And finally, if you ever click on my email address, top right, the message "Marketing emails not welcome, thanks" will appear in the body of your email. But this didn't stop Linda.

Marketing emails not welcome, thanks
Hi Diamond Geezer,
I’m not sure if you will see this as a marketing email?!! If you do – apologies and please do the equivalent of throwing it in the bin. But just thought you might like to see copies and possibly mention these two books?

Of course it's a marketing email, I told her, and you knew that. Sorry, Linda said. She's not written back since.

So please, if you're a PR intern or marketing professional, please be like Linda. That's "don't write", not "ignore all the clues and send a gauche unwanted commercial proposition anyway". Because I'm never interested. Many thanks.