Jerry Bruckheimer Wins Film Rights to Polar Vortex

HOLLYWOOD, CA Jerry Bruckheimer may have just inked the most lucrative motion picture deal of his career. Following tense back-and-forth and a last-minute appeal, the polar vortex that is bringing unprecedented arctic temperatures to parts of the country as far south as Atlanta has agreed in terms to a three-picture deal with one of this era’s most prolific — and successful — producers.

“I’ve already talked to [director] Michael [Bay] and he’s excited about bringing the story of the polar vortex to Real-D life,” an excited Bruckheimer said on a conference call with reporters just moments after completing the historic deal.

“There will absolutely be the first sub-zero ice fire explosion ever seen in a movie,” tweeted director Michael Bay to his legions of fans.

Jennifer Lawrence will play the polar vortex’s love interest, and it’s rumored that either Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Bill Murray, or some combination of the three will portray the villain.