I went
to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With
dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December
15th

Dearest
John:

Today
the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves....
I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All
my love, Agnes

***

December
16th

Dear
John:

Oh,
aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind.

Love
Agnes

***

December
17th

Today
the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

***

December
18th

Dearest
John:

What
a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All
my love, Agnes

***

December
19th

Dear
John:

When
I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will
I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through
the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially,
Agnes

***

December
20th

John:

What's
with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke
is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the
racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So
stop with those birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

***

December
21st

OK
Buster:

I think
I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking?
It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they
had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't
move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag

***

December
22nd

Hey:

What
are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do
they play!
They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No
wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started
a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From
Ag

***

December
23rd

You
Creep!

Now
there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now
the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One
who means it, Ag

***

December
24th

Listen
Idiot:

What's
with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your
sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December
25th

(From
the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear
Sir:

This
is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With
this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.