"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." ~Henny Youngman~

Monday, May 15, 2006

Imagine, If You Will

Somewhere along the blog I may have mentioned that I am part of a rather large family – seven children. Growing up with that many kids and one bathroom designated for said kids was horrifying enough without adding extra evil to the mix.

What I’m speaking of is television programming. No, I’m not referring to Hee Haw, although scary at times, but something even more sinister than that – if it’s possible.

When I was very young my family would gather around the TV and watch episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and Night Gallery. That is, everyone except me. I was too young to watch such things, according to my mother, so she would send me to bed early in an effort to protect me from exposure to such horrors. However (comma).

The only downside to her reasoning was the fact that I was then forced to lay in my bed in the pitch darkness, left alone to experience everything that was going on without the benefit of the televised imagery - the strange noises, the screaming, the unknown - - and that was just from my brother! Did I mention the bathroom was right across the hall?

Anyway, throw all of that in with an overactive imagination and horror had no bounds.

The pile of clothes on the chair magically became monsters. The darkness played tricks on my eyesight that would’ve kept Timothy Leary entertained for hours. Not only was I under the covers, but also in a perfect ball in the dead center of the mattress so as not to let any appendage hang from the edge. Because we all know what happens when you’re careless enough to do something like that!

And people wonder why I turned out like I did? :-)

A while back in an interview with Vincent Price regarding the gory movies produced nowadays, he said something like the imagination is worse than anything you’ll ever see. Let me tell you, I guess the Price was right!

I had a mental checklist before bedtime that is still utilized today. Closet door closed? Check. Nightlight on? Check. Creepy organ music off? Check.

My best accomplishment was perfecting the jump from turning off the light switch and landing in the bed with a simultaneous flawlessness matched only by Evil Knievel – except without the aid of a motorcycle.

Although, as an adult I once bought a new bed that had wheels on the legs, but that turned out worse than the Snake River Canyon failure when I dove into it from a distance.

If anyone out there reading this has small children, might I suggest that you either let them watch the horror movies or don’t watch them at all when they’re in the house.

If you'd like to break them in gently, might I suggest The Price is Right? At first it may seem a little harsh, but when they wind up losing their security deposit and need to make repairs to the bedroom wall, they'll at least know if they're getting ripped off at Lowe's.