10 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

How to know you're ready to tie the knot.

When you start thinking that he/she may be the one, make sure you ask these ten questions before you tie the knot.

#1: Do We Care about Each Other as Good Friends Do?

When you’re getting serious about someone, don't ask: “Are we in love?” The question to first ask instead is: “Are we becoming good friends?”

“Being in love” often means infatuation, romance, and high chemistry – things that are essentially selfish. This type of “love” is not a good reason to get married, but friendship is. Friendship is not selfish. Real love is about giving to and caring about another person’s life. As Shaya Ostrov says in his book, The Inner Circle,"I’m watching you, hearing you, paying attention to you. I’ve put it all together and have arrived at the conclusion that you and your life mean something to me." That’s why the essence of real love is friendship

In a Jewish wedding ceremony, the bride and groom are given seven blessings. Not once but twice, we bless the couple that they should become “beloved friends.” Make sure you’re friends first and then lovers. A lover who is not your friend can easily hurt you. A friend who is your lover will never hurt you. And if they do, they will make every effort to repair the hurt, just like you do with your best friends. Friends care about each others' happiness and well-being.

Two people who cannot be emotionally open with each other can never have true intimacy and love. When we share our feelings with another we connect and feel close to that person.

We tend to be afraid to share what we feel because expressing it makes us vulnerable; it’s dangerous. With the person you’re considering marrying you must be sure you feel safe.

How do you know if the two of you are emotionally open and honest? The next time you have a conversation with your partner, ask him or her, “What do you feel about me right now?” or, “How does what I just said make you feel?” If you can communicate like this with each other consistently, you have the potential for building an intimate relationship.

#3: Do We Consistently Reach Win/Win Resolutions To Our Problems?

To get married, you must be sure you have great communication. The reason is that marriage is nothing but problems! I know this doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s very realistic. Couples often mistake good chemistry for good communication. Just because you can talk for hours on the phone and feel very connected, doesn’t mean you have good communication. The only way you know if you have good communication is when you have problems. When there is a disagreement of any kind, small or large, this is when you find out how good or how bad your communication is. The essence of good communication is that you can consistently reach win-win solutions to your problems and disagreements. This means when you are finished talking, both of you feel good about the solution. There are no bad feelings on either side.

Problems that don’t get fully resolved turn into resentments. And when resentments build, love departs. The problem is not the problem. The communication about the problem is the problem.

#4: Do We Take Care of Each Other’s Needs?

One of the most important principles of marriage is: If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. Taking care of each other’s needs is about wanting to give each other pleasure. Being a giver is probably the most important character trait to have for getting married. People are naturally takers. It takes a great deal of effort to become a genuine giver. Giving in order to get something back is being a taker.

An important question to ask yourself is, “Do I enjoy giving to this person or do I find it burdensome?” Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, suggests that each of us has a dominant love language or emotional need that makes us feel loved when another “speaks” that language to us. They are: gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch. What is your partner’s love language? Do you enjoy taking care of this need? Giving builds love. Taking destroys it.

#5: Do We Admire And Respect Each Other?

We need to respect and admire the person we marry. We respect a person's good character, meaningful aspirations and goals he/she is committed to, and the good deeds he/she has done, not the way he/she looks.

How do you talk to each other? If you truly respect someone, you talk to that person with respect and dignity. Do you criticize or put each other down? Are you patient or impatient with each other? Do you make jokes about the other person in front of others and then try to cover it by saying, “I was only joking”?

One of the biggest ways that couples demonstrate a lack of respect for each other is by playing games. Playing games is immature and childish. Mature people who respect each other don’t play games. They are consistently up front, open, and honest.

#6: For the Man: Are You Ready to Take Responsibility for a Wife and Family?

When my three sons told me they wanted to get married, the first question I asked each of them was, “Are you ready to take on the responsibility of taking care of a wife and family?" If you're not ready to be fully responsible, you're not ready to get married. For a man marriage isn’t about getting his needs met. It’s about taking on responsibility and being a giver. Judaism understands that the essence of being a man is to give and provide. Boys are takers; men are givers. Are you ready to be a man?

The strongest need of a woman is to be cherished. The three A’s of cherishing a woman are: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. Neglect destroys a woman’s spirit. Making your wife feel loved and cherished is not just a nice idea; it's a Torah obligation.

#7: For the Woman: Do You Believe in Him?

Your man needs your respect and support. He needs you to believe in him. Men today are under so much pressure and so many demands are being made of them. The one place he doesn’t need to feel more pressure is at home. He needs you to believe that he is trying hard to provide for you and the needs of the family. The cruelest thing a wife can do is nag her husband. If he’s a good man and he’s trying hard, give him your love, not your list of demands. So before you commit your life to him, make sure you don’t have any hidden agenda or unexpressed expectations. Be up front. And if you decide to be his wife, then be his friend as well. Don’t turn on him.

#8: Do I Trust This Person Completely?

The emotional foundation of love is trust. Without complete trust, you can’t build love. (I highly recommend Dr.John Gottman’s new book, The Science of Trust.) The essential issue of trust is captured in the question, “Are you there for me?” A solid marriage is built on solid trust. Can I trust that you will provide a safe home for my feelings and needs? Can I be sure I can be vulnerable with you? Am I afraid you will abandon, reject, or shame me?

A key way to build trust is by respecting and validating another person’s feelings. Listening to another person’s feelings is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can perform. If you don’t trust each other with your feelings, think twice about getting married.

#9: Do We Want the Same Things Out of Life?

One of two things happens in a marriage: People either grow together or grow apart. Spiritual compatibility is one of the best ways to insure you’ll grow together. This means you are on the same page in terms of your values, priorities, and life goals. Rabbi Noah Weinberg, of blessed memory, would often teach that life’s most important question is “What am I living for?” He maintained that until you can answer this question, you have no business getting married. A soul mate is a goal mate. Marriage is risky. Two people who don’t know what they’re living for may have a difficult time growing together and staying together over the long run.

#10: Do I Have Peace of Mind About This Decision?

To have peace of mind you have to identify and resolve the things that bother you about getting married or about marrying this person. To identify everything that bothers you, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself and listen to your feelings. If you don’t have peace of mind about marrying this person, track down the reason. If you are diligent, you'll discover the reason why you are dragging your feet. And if you can’t track it down through your own efforts, see a competent therapist to help you.

About the Author

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 92

(67)
Shakir Abdul Quddos,
November 27, 2015 6:51 PM

Ten Questions I ask after 40 years of marriage!

In all of us some of the times and in some of us all of the times, there is certain amount of negativity, selfishness, withholding and, meanness. When I feel like losing, hurt or disappointed in a relationship, I try to focus on my own behavior and use patience. Patience is hard when we are angry at ourselves or others but the best antidote to anger is patience. Patience is especially hard when we try and try but don’t get what we wanted. My experience with patience works and I find comfort in patience and prayer. Prayer is a good thing and it generally gives you the right answer to questions you don’t otherwise have. It makes you strong in faith and allows you to forgive others; worrying not too much to chasee the world, instead trying to change the knuckles in our own head.

Dr Gail,
April 1, 2016 4:52 PM

Anger can be spiritual traveling in family line

It must be dealt with before marriage. It is held in place by bitterness/Un-forgiveness resentment retaliation anger rage murder follow in order. Murder can be with the tongue or a knife.

(66)
Rhiannon,
October 16, 2015 3:44 AM

Great Article!

Wow! This article has some of the most valuable, insightful advice I have seen anywhere on the subject.
I am so busy thinking about it, I can't even think of a question to ask lol.

(65)
Stephen omondi odera,
October 11, 2015 8:57 AM

Ralation is all about understanding,being responsible,being caring,,,yeah,and also being contented.

I really like the article,it's really wow,it has alot of touching issues,,,yeah i can say it's absolutely really true,i can advice you guys online,make be the best councilor website ever,then you will experiance a very,,huge i mean enourmous change in you relationship life.

(64)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2015 7:42 PM

This is all so true, I new my husband for 20 years

We reconnected in 2014 and were married in February, it' been the best decision I have ever made

(63)
Terry,
December 23, 2014 9:53 PM

Nicely said,and done.

(62)
frank Roman,
December 10, 2014 4:59 PM

what I read was so true

Spiritually your life has to be connected with God unless your relationship won't work. You have to be friends before lovers. Also you have to make sacrifices when it comes to your family. An happy wife is an happy home.Help one another at all times.constantly date, each other.Have family day with the kids. Remember they're input means alot also in an marriage.

(61)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2014 4:49 AM

Excellent!

This is excellent! Thank you so much for posting this!

(60)
Ify,
April 24, 2014 2:04 AM

A well-researched work! Well done!

(59)
Ilona Brandt-Tom,
October 31, 2013 11:35 PM

On Target

This article is quite true. The points that resonate most are that a good solid relationship must have friendship, because friends care how one another feels, and validation of feelings. Those that pretend to care but dont care about how we feel are not interested in anything other than themselves and their satisfaction.

(58)
Just a Friend,
August 15, 2013 11:29 PM

#6: For the Man: Are You Ready to Take Responsibility for a Wife and Family?

When my three sons told me they wanted to get married, the first question I asked each of them was, “Are you ready to take on the responsibility of taking care of a wife and family?"

So women are unable to help provide for the family and help support the household? It is a mans job? Hmm... So with that reasoning I guess the women belongs in the kitchen and cleaning the house as well?

Geebee,
January 28, 2014 4:31 PM

Women love being in the kitchen and taking care of babies...

Women have come to the conclusion that they belong in the home and kitchen themselves. Look at all the "corporate" ladies that quit to be SAHMs. It is not that women can't provide and take care of the kids too. But this is not ideal. The mommy blogging world is full of ladies that will attest to this fact. Women have learned that nothing beats the glory of being at home, raising children and cleaning up their messes just like G-d created us to do. The genius in women is when they realize this simple truth.

Rachel Soussan,
October 14, 2014 9:36 AM

Thank you!!! I COULDN'T AGREE MORE

Thank you so much. I couldn't agree more. I really want to be at home making it look wonderful for my family in the right time, please G-d. I am highly intellectual and well trained and going to be a doctor but at the end of the day, home is where it all counts.

Anonymous,
August 31, 2014 7:07 AM

ultimate responsibilit is the husband's

Any arrangement the couple agrees on is fine. She can pursue a career for her own fulfilllment or to help out or to support the family -- or whatever works for them. BUT he's the one who promises in the ketubah, "I willl support her ... " She doesn't promise, "I will support him" or "I will support myself." Ultimately, the buck stops with him and the ultimate responsibility is on him. After all, if the doctor prescribes bedrest for a pregnancy , that's something that only she can do -- and he must provide for the family while she does it. His readiness to accept that burden frees her in case she decides she wants to take off a few years to care for their twins.

Anonymous,
January 9, 2015 8:54 PM

It's not that a woman can't provide. It's that when hard times may fall upon a woman, the man steps up and provides for them both. That's a huge responsibility along with also providing for kids. It's about taking on responsibility, not forcing the woman to slave away at home. Nothing to get offended about; hard times fall on everyone sometimes. It's chivalry at it's best and honorable, in my opinion. Yes, I am a woman and yes, I provide half of the income in my household. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate when a man acts in an honorable way for his family.

(57)
aina kolawole,
August 7, 2013 10:30 PM

Good questions....
Reqiures Better answer...
Gives u the Best marriage!

(56)
shlomo,
August 5, 2013 5:58 PM

very true

(55)
LADave,
June 13, 2013 7:12 PM

Thank You for the Wisdom

Thank you so much for this timeless wisdom. Anyone considering marriage should know these precepts, not just observant Jews.

(54)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2013 3:30 PM

Hi there,

I really love the relevance of your 10 questions. However, is it true that if any one of them is not fulfil, marriage is a definite no go?

(53)
Jeff,
May 11, 2013 3:56 AM

Attraction is a feeling. Love is a promise.

The most common source of problems in marriages is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love.

It is important to know that attraction is a feeling that may fade, while love is a promise. If you are thinking of getting married, then please read "Attraction is a feeling. Love is a promise." by Grenville Phillips.

(52)
E.news,
April 30, 2013 10:44 AM

from ten commentment i learn.

For those who are not ready to get merrige here are wonderfull strong points they should to learn.You have to give your wife/family Attention,Affection,Appreciation.Learn from those you will see a destination in your marrige.

(51)
Anonymous,
April 11, 2013 2:32 PM

WOW!

You are so on target. My son is in a serious relationship. Whether he has committment issues or he does not know if this girl is his bashert, I think by reading the ten questions , he will be able to move on with his relationship , or not. We hope and pray that with guidance and the help of God, it will all work out well.

(50)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2013 10:32 PM

Both families are not agreeing on a location for their children's wedding

I asked my in-laws to allow me have my wedding at my home town because that's where it will be easy for me, but, they refused, saying that I have come to marry their daughter, therefore, I must have my wedding in their own location. Please, what do you think?

Zeev,
April 11, 2013 11:37 AM

Know your priorities

My father taught me 30 years ago that the wedding takes place where the bride resides (usually her parent's place) and that after the wedding the wife moves to where her husband resides. My highest priority was to get married with my wife. The place of the wedding was definitely a lesser priority. Marry her any place she wants to marry you. And may your marriage be blessed.

(49)
el,
March 2, 2013 10:13 PM

its helped'

I asked my furture husband all these questions. were on the same page we know where our faults are and where we stand out. thnx for this

(48)
Craig Kensy,
February 13, 2013 2:26 AM

True

I am on my sixth and final marriage, How true!

(47)
Batya,
January 2, 2013 9:04 AM

Things to think on

Right now I am in a long distance relationship that has potential to turn into something more serious. I am at the point where I have to figure out, is it really potential or is it not. These questions make me think about how things are going, and some of the things that are not there. Sometimes it is difficult to look outside of the feelings you have to discover if that person is really the kind if person with whom to share your love, life and start a family with.

palamirtam,
January 21, 2013 2:36 AM

very true

hypocrites n oscar award actors n actresses abound aplenty

Yael,
January 21, 2013 10:18 PM

Me too

I am in a long-distance courtship (we haven't met yet) and the thing that has me thinking is the cultural diference of the place I'd been moving to if we choose to marry. Right now we are on a break from chatting to see if we really want to take the next step: meeting up. Hatzlaja to all am israel and may all that are single may find our zibug agun soon

(46)
maybell,
December 22, 2012 11:42 AM

Got me thinking... Thanks

(45)
Candice *soon to be* Blair,
December 4, 2012 2:49 AM

Awesome

This was perfect I appreciate this so much now my mind is at ease thanks a bunch

(44)
overhunter,
November 28, 2012 10:17 AM

nice 1

Ve learnt a lot here!! Tnx 4 postin dis

(43)
iman sanga,
November 3, 2012 9:53 PM

hello i understand everthing but can you help me to understan or how to find a good friend

(42)
Flaky,
October 27, 2012 7:05 AM

Blessed by these points!

You have raised very vital and valuable points up here! I'm so touched and blessed! I will make my husband to be read this!!

(41)
Chaim,
October 21, 2012 10:16 PM

One Big Distinction

Good points, all well summarized. Yet I would like to add one distinction that I've frequently observed gets muddled and/or overlooked: that while the man is the giver, the woman should NOT be the "TAKER." Rather, the woman is a "RECEIVER," and there's a world of difference between the two. It's that difference which is the cause for a great deal of the strife that couples experience today. "Women" generally are "favored" as a class in society today, primarily for agenda-driven reasons that are political rather than anything meritorious whatsoever. This has had the affect of ennobling many women solely because of what they are with little or no regard for the value of self respect or any virtue or factor of creditable worth. And while radical liberals that are Jewish internally tend to equate "social justice" with advancing their variant of narcissistic nihilism, a greed woman is still just a Rasheh like anyone else, not marriage material.

(40)
Logan,
October 16, 2012 11:44 PM

Excellent Questions

This certainly got me thinking and exploring my reasons for wanting to further my relationship with my girlfriend. Thank you for the thoughtful, incredibly insightful and wise counsel.

(39)
nweke chukwunonso,
October 1, 2012 7:56 AM

wonderful

I love you so much. Thank u. God bless you

(38)
alicia,
September 3, 2012 6:27 PM

Thinking twice about it now even if we have kids in reality it might no no Ty work or will opened up my eyes

(37)
Jennie,
August 21, 2012 3:56 AM

YES!

Yes of course..all of it are essentially needed when getting married. and marrying a person is not like a food, when you eat and don't like the taste you juts vomit it..marriage is sacred and should be respected. I believe in him and i love him so much.. the things sometimes, i couldn't help my self thinking about him..I'm not a nagger..its just i miss him...

(36)
Darrac's,
August 9, 2012 5:44 PM

Thank's very much for the aticle. I am ok.

(35)
favour,
August 6, 2012 2:33 PM

Yes u r fully right..I really got wot am looking for.tank u so much

(34)
Kamilah,
July 31, 2012 1:08 AM

Really great points, I couldn't agree more. Now, I've just got to find the guy!

(33)
Leaky Kaburu,
July 26, 2012 4:37 PM

Very inspiring

. Toda!!!

(32)
karen,
July 1, 2012 3:29 PM

read this

~~great article~~

(31)
Anonymous,
June 18, 2012 3:49 AM

Very thoughtful; broad enough to apply to many situations

I really appreciated this article. Even though it is centered around Judaism, the ten questions are not exclusively for those of Jewish belief. I am in a long term relationship with a young man, and have recently started wondering whether or not we should take the next step and get married. But as much as I love, trust and respect him, I do indeed have some lingering doubts. What I love most about this article is that it doesn't tell you to give up on a relationship just because of those doubts. It urges you to discover the root of those doubts instead. This advice is sound and well thought out, and has made me feel...more at peace with my uncertainty. I am young, I have time, and if this man is the one who I will spend the rest of my life with, that should make itself clear in time. Thank you for easing my mind. :)

(30)
Elaine,
May 1, 2012 2:46 PM

Truth

I love this article as I am knowingly, fully in love with a man that I would give my life for to prove all the above attributes. As I most certainly know what real love is and what a good marriage needs to be successful. I only wished I had the chance to have shown him that!

(29)
Mary,
April 4, 2012 2:58 AM

I feel that while you where mostly right you missed some key points. to love some one you must be physically and mentally attracted to them, by this I mean that you must not only love there looks but also there mind.

(28)
ashley,
March 25, 2012 3:31 AM

nagging

when proverbs states that a nagging or quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping, I would completely agree! I wouldn't appreciate nagging as conflict resolution. The home was meant to be peaceful.

Anonymous,
April 10, 2012 8:33 AM

iyes i tink you are right

the fat about this hile thing is undersanding each other and loveing each other

(27)
Rion,
February 7, 2012 12:19 PM

wow its so interesting & encouraging

Please keep it up because i still have a lot to learn

(26)
Anonymous,
January 28, 2012 5:49 PM

I thought I liked your article until...

I take issue with the following..." Men today are under so much pressure and so many demands are being made of them. The one place he doesn’t need to feel more pressure is at home. He needs you to believe that he is trying hard to provide for you and the needs of the family."
Both men and women today are the providers! Your advice should be addressed to both. And some of them do need to be pressured. Why should the stay at home person be working all day while the provider relaxes? Both work hard and the house work should be split as evenly as possible. Otherwise, resentment will build.
Also, reagrding " The cruelest thing a wife can do is nag her husband".
Seriously? That's the cruelest thing you can think of? This little exaggeration turned me off of the entire article! Which is too bad since you did make some other good points.
#

Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 4:45 AM

Just a little clarification

I think you took point 7 out of context. He did not say that responsibilities are not to be shared although I will give it to you that "the cruelest thing a woman can do is to nag" is a bit extreme. The point is that nagging does more damage than good (nagging is considered by some the #1 marriage killer) and to be more thoughful if you want to get your husband to do something

Anonymous,
February 14, 2012 1:35 PM

Nagging

I agree as far as the nagging I left my second marriage for that reason amongst many others- when one has worked outside all day and comes home day in and day out to someone that nags them it only makes you want to find shelter somewhere else real fast.

Anonymous,
March 7, 2012 11:56 PM

All I can say is I am a woman and iI would not want to be your husband! You are a taker not a giver!!! Btw, there is no such thing as a little exaggeration.

CJ,
March 22, 2012 10:46 AM

Why is point 7 giving you problems Madam? If you have a special case of a man who is not taking his responsibilities at home as a man; too bad. I understand how you feel, It can be very frustrating to any woman, but you should be sincere enough to ask for advice on how to go about it rather than pick offense with the point. Nagging to me is as worst as unfaithfulness in marriage. I rather sleep in my office than to go back home to a nagging wife. Things have really changed now, it is not that easy for one person to take all the responsibilities at home with the present economy, so I think the best any couple can do is to have an understanding on how to manage their home and appreciate one another's effort rather than nag each other.

(25)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2012 7:53 PM

Happiness

Happiness is not have a luxury car, but driving auto safely home;
Happiness is not a big house, but hearing sweet laughter inside a room;
Happiness is not your lover's beauty, but lover's bright smiling;
Happiness is not an enthusiastic applause when successful, but frustrated someone said: I support you!
Happiness is not a sweet talk, but feel sorrow and crying someone said: nothing, here I am! And give you a big hug!
I wish you have happiness all the time! Have a bright sunshine smiling!
I'm not looking for a marriage certificate;
But I'm looking for a true lover.
I'm not looking for a rich man;
But I'm looking for a man rich in heart!
I'm not a woman needs a man;
But a woman a man needs......

(24)
sandra,
January 7, 2012 10:10 AM

that was so nice

those questions are the real questions to ask oneself and surely if your answers are positive then you are on the right track

shlomo,
January 24, 2012 10:59 PM

spread the word

i cannot stress enough how important these points are. each person must answer these questions for him/herself .
if we don't , we simply risk ruining our and others' lives. Pleeeze pass it to shadchanim, your friends and relatives!!!

(23)
zoe,
January 5, 2012 2:47 PM

this is beautiful

my friends who have been married more than once never understood what went wrong, i saw that they grew apart and married quickly such is 3 months to one year , they argued befoore marriage, this was sad to see, I myself have never married because i want to marry my best friend, i want to feel safe, and give him a place of rest , gentlenes, good food, understanding, i want to make his home peaceful , full of laughter and hugs, someone i can be myself with, i dont desire jewlery or "bling " as it is called i desire to marry my friend, my gentel lover, someone who enjoys life and practices . i could not marry a secular jewish man, so i am teased that I am over 40 and a virgin, i would rather wait for my friend, my companion than to make a mistake, i was told i am too picky that i set the bar too high, to share our love of hashem is high on the list. he will come someday. zoe

(22)
Anonymous,
December 11, 2011 1:08 AM

Beautiful article

What an inspiring and beautiful article! I am so glad to have found this & I will be sure to share it with plenty of my friends and family. Thank you for the thoughtful advice :)

(21)
Daniel,
October 9, 2011 5:45 PM

Good Book

A good Book on the topic:
Only Want to Get Married Once: Dating Secrets for Getting It Right the First Time
By: Chana Levitan

(20)
evans mbithi,
September 29, 2011 1:44 PM

This artical has taught me very many building things.With that knowledge I know it will help me very much as i prepare to marry next year.Importantly,it has made me realise that my spouse Loves me very much and i will be appreciating her for that one.secondly I have known how I will be treating my spouse for our relationship to be longlasting.thanks in advance.

(19)
Joyce Oxfeld,
September 26, 2011 1:00 AM

I am tired of just friendship

Because of my background in the past, I've met and befriended, and had platonic relationships with non-suitable for marriage Jewish men or Non Jewish men. It's more than time for me to me to meet men who are suitable for marriage and Jewish. Those that could accept me.

(18)
shana,
September 15, 2011 9:49 PM

um...are these inherantly one sided?

throw me aside as a raging feminist--but am i the only one who thinks 6 and 7 should be thought about by both parties?
why should a man house sole responsibility for a spouse and family, and why shouldn't a man need to believe in his wife? they both seem essential! i wouldn't just stand by in a difficult time while my spouse struggled intensely with all his "responsibility," and i don't want to be dismissed as an untrusting shrew without the full belief of my husband backing me.
but then again, maybe i'm reading too deeply into this...

Anonymous,
December 14, 2011 3:17 PM

All the Rabbi means is that the man is the one who takes the main responsibility of the marriage and therefore should be ready for this, and shouldn't see this as his wife's responsibility. and regarding #7 the rabbi means that the predominant need of the man is to feel respected and supported however the main need of a woman is to fell loved.

(17)
Alex,
August 20, 2011 9:34 PM

Can this apply with a Shidduch?

Questions 3, 4, 8, and maybe 5 all seem unanswerable for two people who do Shidduch dating. These are character judgements that require the couple to experience life together for an extended period of time. Correct? This seems especially difficult when you consider that men and women don't (as far as I know) hang out together in groups in Orthodox communities. So are these character judgements supposed to be made while the couple is at dinner or an ice-skating rink? Can long walks in the park or talks at night bring people to real conflicts that require win/win solutions? Can you determine if someone truly cares for your needs when you only get to spend a few hours at a time with that person, and when that time is mostly spent in seclusion together?

Yael,
August 28, 2011 7:22 AM

Yes

As somebody who got engaged to her husband on their fifth date, after two and a half weeks of dating, I feel that I am qualified to answer this question. I was 20 1/2 at the time (he was 23), and we met and dated in a traditional "shidduch" fashion. (No, we did not feel pressured to get engaged quickly, and would have dated for longer if we had felt that it was necessary. But once you know that you want to marry the person, why delay engagement?)
In a nutshell, some of the questions can't be answered fully while dating, but can be answered during the engagement.
#3: DO WE CONSISTENTLY REACH WIN/WIN RESOLTUIONS TO OUR PROBLEMS?
You're right - how many disagreements can you have over the course of five dates? Given that the purpose of dating is to determine compatibility, if you disagree over major issues, you stop dating the person - you don't try to resolve the differences. And while dating, minor disagreements tend to be so minor as to be inconsequential. However, during the engagement the couple must make decisions regarding their wedding and life thereafter. Thus they have many opportunities to deal with their differences of opinion.
#4: DO WE TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER’S NEEDS?
You're right again. A dater generally does not have to "care for the [other dater's] needs" during a date. Patiently waiting for somebody to exit the restroom or offering them a drink doesn't really count. Whether or not you take care of each others needs can be seen a bit during the engagement, but is only readily apparent after marriage. However, if you take a closer look at the explanation of the question, you can see that it is addressed to the reader, not the person that he/she is dating. Perhaps the question should be worded "Do I want to give to this person?" A person should be able to answer this by the end of the dating process, and certainly during the engagement.

Anonymous,
August 28, 2011 7:24 AM

Yes...Part II

#5: DO WE ADMIRE AND RESPECT EACH OTHER?
This should definitely be easy to answer by the time that you start getting serious about the person you're dating. Given that shidduch dating is all about determining whether or not you are and the other person are compatible for marriage, one of its major purposes is to see whether you "respect [the] person's good character, meaningful aspirations and goals he/she is committed to, and the good deeds he/she has done,[and do not respect the person just/primarily because of]... the way he/she looks." A shidduch date is designed allow the two people to talk to each other. That's why the "time is mostly spent in seclusion together." (Obviously, they cannot be truly secluded, because that would be a violation of the prohibition of Yichud - i.e. the seclusion of a man and women who are not married or immediately related.) Thus, by nature, dating gives you ample opportunity to see "How do you talk to each other? If you truly respect someone, you talk to that person with respect and dignity. Do you criticize or put each other down? Are you patient or impatient with each other? Do you make jokes about the other person in front of others and then try to cover it by saying, “I was only joking?'”

Anonymous,
August 28, 2011 7:25 AM

Yes...Part III

#8: DO I TRUST THIS PERSON COMPLETELY?
Admittedly, the nature of shidduch dating will not enable the shidduch daters to fully answer this question, because the relationship has yet to progress to this level. However, by the time that you decide to get engaged, you should be pretty confident that the other person "will provide a safe home for my feelings and needs...[and won't] abandon, reject, or shame me." If you simply don't know one way or another, you continue dating the person until you do know. If/when you doubt that the quote above is true, you stop dating the person immediately. During engagement, "listening to...respecting and validating [the...] other person’s feelings" plays a major role in developing the relationship. At that point, "If you don’t trust each other with your feelings, think twice about getting married."

Jackie,
September 27, 2011 4:05 AM

You and Your Friends and Family Spend time with Them and Their Friends and Family.

This will allow you to gather third party information (ultimately of immense value) on character traits and values/ flaws that you can't see looking at things from only your side of the fense.

(16)
debbie shapiro,
August 19, 2011 9:55 AM

The next time you have a conversation with your partner, ask him or her, “What do you feel about me right now?” or, “How does what I just said make you feel?” If you can communicate like this with each other consistently, you have the potential for building an intimate relationship.
Actually, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Tact and diplomacy, rather than raw honesty, with a huge helping of avoda hamidos.

(15)
Ann Brady,
August 18, 2011 12:20 PM

Timeless Advice

Ah, dear Rabbi, if only my then husband and I could have read your wonderful advice 40 years ago! Never mind, it's not too late. I can show this to my daughters (who are both well wed) and my grandchildren. And keep it in my heart for that day G-d blesses me with a beloved husband.

(14)
Woody,
August 16, 2011 3:05 PM

Oakey Pokey

Question to ask yourself: Is this over political reasons? Are you being pressured to marry that person, because of political reasons? Is it for the next acting? It may not be your agenda, but is it the other, or outside of the relationship, from other people. Spells--Failure, No love, Unhappiness, Ends when the formulated plan reaches it's completion. Certain people are targeted for these kinds of match ups, beware who comes your way--smooth talker or a friend--that will stick closer than a relative. Is it mutual, love is: Turtledoves perched on the identical branch--equal in fondness of affection, settled--tamed after the wild flight in search of finding each other. The only agenda of the pair is enjoying being with the beloved, in the same tree. The strength of an oak tree--is a strong tower.

(13)
Chaviva,
August 16, 2011 6:58 AM

Being on the same page

At the young age of 20, I was encouraged to enter the dating scene fear that my pool would dry up if I were to postpone it, The initial game plan was to first complete my college education,found a job, and gotten married at the age of 24.But that attitude would never fly in my social circles since most of my peers were under the pressure to get married asap. Since when did dating and getting married become a contest? At the age of 20 when marriage was not a consideration yet for me, I dated a guy pushing 30 who subtly suggested that he would like to get married after 2 months of dating.Naturally, that freaked me out and we sadly ended our relationship.Most of my friends who have gotten married at age found themselves back to the drawing board shortly afterwards.I knew nothing about marriage and commitment at that time.I couldn't make a split second decision whether I wanted to marry this guy or not after 10 dates.Every guy was a potential as far as I've seen it.Just 2 months of dating was far too early for me to know whether I want to tie the knot or otherwise.I was just looking for companionship.I wanted some romance and relationship in between going steady and getting engaged.Most of the guys I've dated only wanted to get married and nothing else. Then I met my boyfriend (currently husband) and dated sporadically for 3 years.People nagged us to either finalize our relationship with an engagement or part ways.We were long overdue.We eventually got married and love each other more than ever.But we have our disagreements and conflicts to resolve as most couples do.I got married at the age of 24.I didn't feel I was loosing out.My advice would be to do wants best for you and go by your gut instinct.Don't let peer pressure or parental interference eclipse your better judgment.What was good for your best friend may not work out for you.Life is not a competition.You will eventually find the right one.It will be worth the wait.

(12)
David Tzvi,
August 16, 2011 12:09 AM

We were not that smart

I was 18, she was 17. I said you want to get married, she said sure. We knew nothing about anything. She was Catholic, I was Jewish. She came from Cuba, I came from Chicago. We knew nothing about anything. I flunked out of college. Then served 5 years in the Army (2 of them in Vietnam). We knew nothing about anything. I finished college, she raised the family. I had a career, she nurtured the children. I retired and she converted. We've been together 49 years, and still, we know nothing about anything. Except, faith that Hashem had, has, always will have a plan and we are a part of it.

YoJewMama,
August 16, 2011 10:09 AM

"Like"

I also don't know anything about anything. I've only been married for 19 years. Thanks for being an inspiration.

Bessie Segal,
December 17, 2011 6:35 PM

Individuals

David Tzvi, your story goes to show that each of us is an individual with different needs and different solutions.

(11)
Sondra,
August 15, 2011 10:28 PM

Surprised

I was surprised that there was of mention of joy.

(10)
Moishe,
August 15, 2011 7:18 PM

Solid advise

We're married 23 years, many marriages have crumbled around us. Your 10 questions are bang on.

(9)
Rachel,
August 15, 2011 7:09 PM

financial and emotional support

BOTH men and women need to be able to support a family. And a woman needs her husband to believe in her as much as he needs her to believe in him. I find it odd that in 2011 you are defining these on a gender basis.
As for the comment about medical info: Not everyone knows what the future will hold, nor does everyone know what happened in the past. There are descendants of Holocaust victims whose families died young, adoptees with no medical records of their birth families. Conversely, there are people who had parents or grandparents with horrible illnesses that people today are doing a better job preventing (by not smoking, eating a healthy diet, etc.) So while I can't imagine that anyone would enter marriage without sharing their own medical issues with their fiance, I also think people should be realistic. NO potential spouse is perfect, EVERYONE has to confront problems they never expected, and the real question is are you committed to tackling them together, no matter what gets thrown at you?

Yisrael Math,
August 16, 2011 12:16 PM

Rachael You are so right.

The gender basing is based on the old school and not modern day life. You need two incomes to survive with expences what they are including Jewish Day Schools, food, rent/mortgage & general basics. We each need to be able to trust each other with money and be on the same team with raising the Children. It's our obligation as a couple to make things work for each other and to support each other whether its finantial, emotional and or health. Its not just the Mans obligation. Its a two way street. We have to work together as a team! Partners with Hashem & each other!

(8)
samyra rivera,
August 15, 2011 6:30 PM

Great Advice and really good insights

My name is samyra I never been married before. iam in a relationship currently, iam going on three long years with my potential partner that I am planning on marrying. I just want to be sure that Iam not making a mistake and need insights on marriage. see my fiance currently has been married twice already and with a 20 year old gap in age and children on his and my part from prevoius relationships Iam worried about our future.we tend to fight at times and disagree I do love him but I'm not sure if I'm really truly in love with him. he has grown on me and I do care about him very much. I just need answers help and support.
Thank you

(7)
Mariel Strauss,
August 14, 2011 9:51 PM

Extremely well done. I am a widow after a 40 years marriage, so none of this applies to me, but I appreciate the intelligent, careful discussion. But maybe it does apply to me--my husband and I were older when we married and I think we automatically thought about the "perils" and goals. Unfortunatelly the perils which arose could not have been anticipated. It was a very hard life but at least we loved. How great is that?

(6)
uyen,
August 14, 2011 7:47 PM

excellent.

Our shared life lasted 41 years until he dies. I never Stop loving him. We discovered a new world in each other and developed our new language. We constantly discovered new meanings to old expressions, gestures. we never quarrelled, but always discussed issues. When necessary we assert our ultimatum then wait for response. This occurred twice: once when he turned down an academic position to leave the US, the other when he treated our son unreasonably. The first time I gave in, the second I he did. After each, our love intensified

(5)
Marcia,
August 14, 2011 3:53 PM

But they forgot the most important one, that of being equally yoked.

(4)
Michal Evenari,
August 14, 2011 1:59 PM

Questions before deciding to get married.

Apparently some people do all this by nature. I remember sitting on a chair, my future husband had a paper in his hand, where all was written down and started to ask me questions. I found this way quite normal. And after my answers seemed alright to him, he came over to me and I got a kiss on my forehead. Later he told his mother, that we two would marry.
There is a saying in India about what love is.
This wise man said: Love is, when the happiness of the other one is part of your own happiness. And so our marriage was.
He was for me husband and mother and friend. The same I was for him. That includes everything. May you all be blessed with such a marriage!- Ours lasted 38 years, until my husband died. Zichrono levracha!

smae,
August 14, 2011 9:52 PM

thanks

I just want to thank you for sharing your story. It is very sweet. I hope you have a lot of influence on the young people around you. You have plenty to offer. smile

(3)
jobar,
August 14, 2011 12:15 PM

Questions you really need to ask

Both parties need to answer the question about being ready to support a family. For a woman it is the other side of the coin from the man. Namely, in the event of a separation or divorce is she ready not to take advantage of the law and cut the father off from the children. Is she ready not to be take advantage of the law and use it to its' full punitive extent. Of course, there is no substitute for a good prenup, or "get" that ensures both parties come out of a divorce in one piece. The adversarial divorce process, and it's biases, ensures that there will be a lot of suffering as an outcome of any separation or divorce. Children and men are particularly victims, and it shows in the statistical distribution of achievements and personalities of male children in particular. Some people come out of it ok, but a majority don't. A famous sage once made the wise observation that "you don't really know a woman until you see her in a court of law". Many's the man that would ruefully agree.
Also, both parties need to ask if the other person has a history of vindictive or selfish behavior. Also, will they respect each others privacy. Finally, what traits really annoy you about the other person.
These are the items that tend to lead to divorce, the small things that annoy and build up and the attitudes that lead to adversarial relationships.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 14, 2011 12:12 PM

Medical information

Seven months after marrying a person I trusted and loved and shared hopes and dreams about, I learned that he is affected by schizophrenia. It was not controlled at the time when I learned about this, and it was a shock. I was negligent in getting this information because it meant:
NO children --schizophrenia is genetically-liinked
being alert to psychological changes and being kind, patient and becoming informed. One alternative is to end the marriage because there was no disclosure regarding the mental illness, nor was there manifestation of the illness prior to the marriage.
Fortunately, my husgand's mental illness is managed quite well with medication ---providing he takes it as prescribed, avoids those things that can counter- the effectiveness of the drugs, HOWEVER, considereing the fact that I did not request medical infomation prior to marriage, I did end the marriage contract. We have remained married--it has been extremely difficult. We had no children.
Mostly the marriage has been O.k., however, it is not what I would have selected had I excerised the care in getting medical information. The knowledge may not have made a difference in my feelings, but it would have certainly made a difference in my decision to marry. IT has been extremely difficult.'
thank you. This is the first time I've discussed this with anyone outside my immediate family ---who by the way, do not understand schizophrenia, and most of whom have, at one time or another "blamed" me for my husband having had 3 "nervous break-downs" since we have been married. Unfortunately, even families who have access to information do not always think or respond properly even if they have the knowledge. And this is 2011 not the 1800;s! Thank you.

Anonymous,
August 15, 2011 3:41 AM

unluckily, people do not take responsibility and keep quiet about these kind of issues, even more, their families. i think thats pathetic. however, if it happenned to us, we must learn sthg from it, being aware that hashem permitted all this. maybe, we should be the ones who open others peoples eyes.

(1)
Steve Skeete,
August 14, 2011 11:23 AM

After reading this list of ten questions I would respectfully request permission to add another, which is "have someone drawn your attention to these ten questions"?
Someone said "never make war without counsel". I would also add marriage to the choices one should not make without counsel.
In my experience too many men and women have embarked on a life together only to discover that they had no idea as to the destination of the craft. So to put question # 11 another way "have you sought counsel or guidance from one who is competent to help you"?

Anonymous,
August 15, 2011 4:01 AM

Seeking counsel or guidance

Rabbi Heller: Could you please suggest criteria for when a wise dating mentor is sufficient and when professional counseling or therapy is strongly advised? I am a middle-aged woman with a teenage child and am soon to be divorced after two decades of marriage to a man whose behavior was often abusive and otherwise unacceptable. Thinking back to my young, pre-married self I would have answered "no" about my husband to six of the nine questions above pertinent to women. I'm very loving and giving, and in due course will want to seek a new husband for my sake and my son's. I have learned much, but do not kid myself that I will choose wisely next time without guidance.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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