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Did you know: breaking up is hard to do

I thought I would start a mini-series about myself. I think that I’m pretty open on my blog, but I don’t talk to much about my past. I think a person’s past really makes them who they are today.

Breaking up is hard to do:

A quick background: Chris & I met in Feb 2005. Started dating in March 2005. Moved in together April 2005 (yah, that was fast).

In October 2007 Chris & I parted ways. To put it simply, I wanted to get married, and he didn’t. He wasn’t ready, or didn’t know if I was the one. So, what are you supposed to do when you come to that cross-road? I wanted to stay. I wanted to “make it work.” He didn’t think it was fair for me to stay knowing that he was unsure of our relationship.

I called my Mom hysterical. Then I called My Dad.

My Mom came over and started helping me pack my stuff. Later that day or the next day my Dad came down with a U-haul, loaded my stuff up, and moved me back to Clermont.

I moved back in with my Mom for the first time in 4 years. I moved out of my Mom’s house shortly after I turned 19, and returned right before my 23 birthday. It was hard being back at home for multiple reasons. #1, I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be with Chris. #2 I’d had freedom for 4 years. Not to say that I didn’t have freedom, but it was just different.

I was heartbroken. There is no other way to put it. I felt like we had gotten divorced. (Note: I am not discrediting anyone that’s been divorced. I don’t know what an actual divorce feels like.) I felt like part of me had actually died. Everything about my life changed in that instant when he said it’s over.

When I moved home to Clermont I had to find a new job. It was over an hour drive to my current job and I couldn’t make that drive. Plus, being back in that area was hard. Maybe I’m just a wimp, but it was really hard to be there. I made the commute for one month. Then I landed a job in the ER @ Orlando Regional Medical Center.

I really struggled during our break up. I lost about 15lbs, and cried pretty much every day. I would actually count the number of days it had been since I’d talked to him last. Lame, right. I had a hard time not calling him. I still called him..a lot..after we were broken up. I couldn’t let go. I didn’t want this break up, at all.

Sometimes I would congratulate myself for making it X amount of days with out talking to him. Sometimes knowing that I had gone 2 weeks with out talking to him was enough to make me not call him. If I called him then I had to start the count all over again.

(I’m fully aware of how pathetic this may make me look. It doesn’t matter. This was my life, and this is the way it went down. I’m being 100% honest about my feelings, and how I dealt with this}

I went to Wisconsin to see a friend over Thanksgiving. I needed to get away.

(Oh yah, I chopped all my hair off and colored it brown.) I bought a new car, and all sorts of things I couldn’t buy when Chris & I were together. Identity crisis much?

I came home and I was just as lonely as I was before I left. I made some new friends, and went out with new friends.

One of the very first times I went out with friends we went to a Monster Truck thing at a bar in Orlando. Guess who was there.Chris…. with a girl some girl he met there. I don’t know who she was. I don’t remember what he told me, but I was devastated. He was drunk, and she was drunk. Oh. It was bad.

(I’m having a hard time finding pictures from this period of my life. I know there are some, but they are missing).

It’s hard to describe how I felt. I was definitely broken.

Even after several months had gone by, I still cried. I still wanted to be with Chris. I really, really loved him. I really thought that we would spend our lives together. Maybe that was naïve of me. I don’t think I can accurately describe the kind of heartache I felt.

Eventually I stopped calling him. I tried to move on with my life.

I don’t know if I ever stopped crying. I don’t know if I ever thought, “Okay, I need to move on. It’s time to move on.”I really don’t think I ever felt like I would be able to get over the heart ache. I tried to be interested in other guys, but they weren’t Chris.

Some time at the end of February or the beginning of March we started talking again. I don’t know how it happened. I probably called him. That is the most likely scenario. He didn’t shut me down and hang up. He talked. He wanted to talk to me. (I’m getting all teary just thinking about this. I’m surprised it took this long. I usually cry pretty quickly when thinking/talking about this time in my life. Even if it was only 5 months, it was a struggle every single day.)

He asked if I wanted to come down and go eat with him. uh, of course. I was nervous. He had not actually told me why he wanted to get together. He was very vague when I asked him questions. He wouldn’t give me solid answers for anything. I was actually really scared that he was going to tell me that it was really, really, really over. …. He had never made it seem like it wasn’t actually over. He always maintained that it was over, and he was moving on. I was the only one holding on for dear life.

We went to an Oyster Bar that we both loved and talked. and talked. and talked.

We talked about a lot of thing. Our feelings mainly. It really sounds so cliché, but Chris said that being away from me made him realize how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. (He also said no one can cook meat loaf the way I do. .. he still tells me that). He asked me to be his girlfriend again. OMG YES!

To say I was happy is an understatement. I was ecstatic.

I stayed in Clermont for a while, but eventually moved back to our old house, and actually got the job I left back.

The break up was really hard, but it made us better. I really believe in the statement,“You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” or “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I grew up a lot during those 5 months. I became much more independent. I know it doesn’t seem like I could have possibly became more independent when I sat around and cried all the time. I also went out a lot. (which drove my Mom crazy). I spent a lot of time with friends. I actually hung out w/ other guys. (Chris saw other girls).

We had a rocky start. I will blame it on the fact that I was young. I had just turned 20 when we got together. I was very dependent upon chris and it really had an effect on our relationship. I could not go anywhere, or do anything with out him, and it took a toll on us for sure.

The break up was really a big eye opener, and while it was very hard for me, it was very good for our relationship.

We were together about a month before we were engaged. When Chris wanted to get back together it was because he decided that he actually was ready to get married. He didn’t see any point in putting it off because he was sure I was who he wanted to marry… 🙂 (squeee)

Aww This kinda made my heart cry a little. Such a bitter/sweet story. I also believe in the whole “You dont know what youve got until its gone” and sometimes thats a hard lesson to learn. It certainly makes me be more appreciative of what I have.

I can’t even imagine what it is like to go through something like that. My sister did once, and it was so hard to see her pain. She cried everyday for a year I think. Seriously. every. day. She came out stronger in the end, and I wish her nothing but happiness. I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason.

I usually do the breaking up so I’ve never been on the distraught side. This gives me a new perspective. Even with that said, I just don’t have the emotional attachment to cry about a break up…either that or I’ve just never been in love like that.

I love this post — thanks for sharing. It’s amazing: when you’re in the midst of a breakup it feels the worst, most heartbreaking thing in the world. I remember thinking that no one anywhere had ever felt pain like I was feeling. It’s comforting to know that other people have been there — and had happy endings and new beginnings, whether it was with the same person or a different person. So happy for you!