Becoming You

Dad, they say money is the root of all evil, clearly they’ve never met you. You’re a different breed; a quiet kind of vile. You’re water that creeps to a boil and I’m the guileless toad. Dad, they say little girls everywhere fall in love with their fathers I didn’t realize that I was falling in love with your absence. The hole you left in my heart burned black and with a singed soul I looked for your approval in every boy I’ve ever loved. There’s a reason I repel validation. I grew up thinking neglect was beautiful, that one sided love was the only kind of love.

Dad, you’ve made a mess of me. I used to be afraid of the dark because all of my worst monsters looked and sounded like you. I used to be afraid of silence because I didn’t know what to expect when you weren’t screaming. In fact, I used to be afraid of every sound I made, I thought my giggles were gunshots. I thought I was afraid of me. You said I was afraid of everything, just like mom.