i used to have this about 6 or so years back, but i assume my account has been deleted by now. right now? im not sure how i feel. im using this diary so i can type out all of my feelings, all the time. i have facebook, but everyone i know has it and is my friend...its hard to be truthful that way.

i guess im using this as a tool so i can rant about everything...i mean everything in my life, without people that i know seeing it and getting back to me about it. lets start with the first factor...

i dont even know if me and my boyfriend are gonna last much longer...we've been together for a year and 6 months now, but i feel like he's either getting sick of me...or idk...but i miss him a lot. i don't see him much. we have two classes together (we go to college together and both live at home), but i feel like he uses that as an excuse to not see me otherwise. like, as we speak, he had to go take his mom to the car dealership to get her car worked on...and we're supposed to do hw when he gets done. its been 2 hrs...idk what to think. not to mention he has a "really good friend" that likes him...while i know her ass is ugly and he wouldnt leave me for her, it just pisses me off that she does things to try and take his attention away from me. i mean...buying him $60 racing pedals for his car and tellin him she "loves him" (she says its just a friend hting). UGH whatever...

im stressed, tired, and pushed almost to my breaking point. i was supposed to get a car soon but that probably wont be happening for another month or 2. im tired because the days i dont have classes, im working all day. im stressed because i feel like i wont be able to keep up with all of the reading that is thrown in front of me at school. (i hate reading...i get too distracted too easily)...

The first few weeks of college are the true test of relationships. Many of them fail. I have personally experienced 2, and watched countless others. My roommate and her boyfriend broke up last night. I wish there was a way to make things better or easier for her. But I'm too afraid to say anything, so for now I will keep my large mouth closed.

Something is wrong with me. These words are magnets. My eyes and my soul keep coming back to them since he sent them at 8:26am Wednesday morning. Reading and rereading 5 words. 5 words. His response to my 15 paragraphs. Some of which were only a sentence or 2 long but still.. this is all that he could put together? Oh, do you miss me? A whole.. 20 seconds worth to type it out.. send it.. and go about your day as usual? Schedule me in between other non important events like taking a shit.. or playing another stupid game on your phone for 4 hours. And even that stupid fucking game gets 4 hours. sleep. eating. walking to and from the bathroom.. all took more time and effort than this fucking email. And what does it even mean besides the obvious... because it is obviously bullshit. I know that. history proves it. God confirms it. I ignored it. Rinse repeat. Until here we are and I am finally finally finally trying to be so nonstupid instead of so nonimportant to someone who is or has been.. everything. I tear them apart. What is there to pick at? Its barely anything. But I'm nothing if not an overthinker. This is what I do best.

I. miss. you. so. much. period.

I stared at it for a total of hours at various times today. i pick it apart. Each word. "I". He. Him. Max. Asshole. Obviously you. I know it doesnt make sense but I get irrationally angry at the obvious use of the word "I". Obviously you, asshole. Obviously. Thanks for clarifying. Again, irational was the key word. But knowing that doesn't tame the fire burning in my bones. boiling my blood. stinging my poors and making hairs stand on end. Literally. Its not really a stinging feeling.. more like... a lesser version of those cartoons when theyre so angry that steam shoots out of their ears.. it feels like a small scale microscopic steam releasing from my skin at all times. And the steam inside me and regular air are enemies. They don't mix and when they meet it feels wrong.

Miss. I say the words so much they lose all meaning. Its no longer an emotion. Miss. Mister. Miss America. Mystery Science something thousand I don't give a crap that shit was awul. Missed the mark. Mark walberg. I miss. Yeah. You miss. You missed the opportunity to not be a shitty person and not do shitty things. You missed the opportunity to have a good life with the one person who did and would have stayed through anything. No. You didn't "MISS" anything. You fucking ran. Miss implies mistake or by accident. You purposefully planned. Everything. You are selfish. You are cruel. You are blind.

You. Ewe. YOOOU. Who me? Because it could really be anyone. And why would I assume he means me.. when he had me he was always trying to get rid of me. It was always so "wonderful" in the beginning. He has some sort of super powers or evil force. Some sort of wizard. idk. The power to erase my good judgement and replace facts with fiction. It always ran out faster than a pictionary sand timer. He only wants me when.. when nothing. I was going to say :when he cant have me" but its not even when he cant have me.. he just always wanted me to want him reglardless of the fact that he doesnt want me and never has and doesnt give a shit and never will.

So. So what? SO... to imply how painful this is for him? Not just "i miss you" period. No no that's not good enough.. no because he knows I miss him beyond articulation. He wants to come to my level. Make me think we feel the same with a single word. Everything is so easy for him. Its a strategically placed "so" that's caught my attention every time. Every time. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it got me talking to him again. And I know he knows or at least he thinks he knows that he can just shit words out his fingers at me and get the same bs results. He sent it at 8:26am on wednesday. It is now.. 4:37am on thursday morning... I havent slept since I woke up at 1pm (yeah i know.. sleep is all bs right now) when i read ffirst read it. Its been almost 24 hours. ANd I know he was probably wondering why he hadn't gotten a reply in 24 minutes. Not to confuse "wonder" with "care". Curiousity doesn't equal love. And its only been 20 hours and 11 minutes. Its been excruciating. But slightly better than last night when all I could think was "he doesnt fucking care" over and over until my brain exploded and I died and a little hamster came in and took over my body and that's why I'm so crazy.. i have hamster brain. By the way, hamsters suck at relationships.

MUCH. much much much. munch. munchkin. I used to want a munchkin kitten. Its all I could talk about.. They're so effing adorable. I want to post a pic here now. But I'm not going to. But you know.. munchkin kittens are a lie.. theyre cute as kittens but as adults they look freaking weird. They're all stretched out and unhealthy looking. Who would want a hotdog cat? much. so much. muchness. Trying to convince me that there is any amount of "much" in his heart. He doesn't even know what much is. He has no much. He is muchless.

Period. Oh. Are you done now? Like I didn't know... its not like your email was so very very long that I had to scroll to see where it ended.. but you had to rub in the shortness with your very unnecesary PERIOD. Period. That's it. That's ALLLLLLL you have to say. Well, glad you got that off your chest sweetheart. For realsies. Because i know how much it must be killing him to be in a situation HE CREATED. I am so OVER my addict sympathy right now. It'll reset tomorrow and I can "blame it on his addiction" and call it a "disease" but right NOW... he is a fucking dick. a small chubby one on a fat man who cant reach it.

Btw its ok to say all this here because he knows I have had an online diary but he doesnt know the sit name. or my name on here. he was never interested. tim used to read my diary. i ddint even know.. he would make comments and I'd be like.. "oh.. you read that?".. "yeah".. all nonchalanty as if to say "of course". Like why wouldnt he?

All that to say.. I can't sleep. I cannot fucking sleep. I need to sleep. I need to get things done. I cannot stop my mind. I'm going insane. I need help. I tried the whole anxiety medication back in june/july for a couple months. It just made me tired. And what is the point of taking away anxiety and replacing it with being tired all the time? I mean yeah I slept, but i was always groggy. And being tired when i dont want to be. or need to do important things stresses me out.. so its either be anxious or tired. uhg. So I stopped those. And sometimes on nights like these.. i think maybe they werent so bad. But no. I don;t like medication. I understand sometimes it is necessary and maybe it is but i just want to try everything first. But its hard to get that done right now. Everything is delayed. I have no money. I have far away money. future money. But nothing spendable. I feel poor. And I cant do anything I want to do. Now I'm angry at Tim. that's a whole other can of bs.

We stopped talking.. if you can call it that.. on Friday. At 2:30pm. And he sent me a mean 2 sentence email. And I replied with a quick jab.

But then I felt bad and wrote that 15 paragraph email at 2am Monday morning basically saying "look i dont want you.. and this is why.. but i care about you.. i hope you are ok and hope you get better.. etc etc.. i will always love you but im content and i hope you are too". non of that is verbatim. but you try cramming 15 paragraphs into a short sentence. And he said to that..

MONDAY - 5:10am...

"You held on to us through my worst already.

I can't blame you for not signing up to do it again.

Pray for me to find the strength to ask for help"

Now. Pre-alanon Jeni would have been fooled and started to convince HIM that its MY CHOICE and I WANT to be with him. He's done this a million times. Its always the same. Its 3 sentences.

And of course he mentions God. Because he knows thats what i want to hear. Jusdt like he would throq in budhism shit when tlking to teresa who is a budhist.

BUT. I did not reply. And then he sent the "I miss you so much".. yesterday at 8:26am.

2 emails. And I haven't responded. He probably thinks I am dead.. I haven't ignored him since last year when I went to Niarga Falls and New York and other east coast states. I started dating Levi. And then all of a sudden he wanted to be all... sandfjkgvsanefbsfdhjv.

Right now Brendan is playing in his pack in play, exploring what he is able to do at this stage. Silly baby noises and sleepy sounds are coming out there. I really don't want to miss our mornings together but I have to go back to work in another week. I don't want to. I want to be selfish and stay home with him and Curly but unfortunately the bills can't be paid on just Josh's salary :(

It's going to be extremely hard to spend 9ish hours away from my little man and then not want to cuddle him the entire time I get home. Being gone most of a morning from him Friday cost me our baby time until supper. That was even short lived. He was too sleepy for me to get much time with him. :(

This week, Feb 12, was my 5th year anniversary of when I bought my house. Can't believe I was only 24yrs old, technically. Turned 25 two months later Apr 2013.

But I suppose Feb 2018 was the last time I had VDay with a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend period. 5 years since a relationship, since being kissed, since holding hands...

Jan 2018 marks the 11th anniversary of my career.

Jan 2018, the Presidents Day holiday, also marks my 3 year anniversary of having my new car. Which is slightly ironic because I was involved in a little fender bender last weekend so now I'm trying to schedule an appointment on the holiday, three years later to the date, to get my car fixed. It wasn't my fault! She turned left in front me. I veered left and hit her at an angle so I wouldn't totally broadside her or take out her back, or wheel wells and disable her car or cause more damage than necessary. We weren't going that fast. No one hurt, cars are functional, minimal damage, and no air bags deployed. It's all good.

Mar 2018 is three years without my dog now.

Its been two years without a cavity too!

Oct 2017 marked my 9th anniversary working in this office since 2009.

And 10 years since I graduated college Dec 2008. 12 years since I graduated HS in June 2006.

17 years of watching my siblings have children, 15 nieces and nephews I claim as mine.

11 years I've known Arthur.

In June 2018, my Hawaii trip marks my 15th major vacation in the last 8 years since 2010, not including reunions.

really had it out with mike last night (via texts). sometimes i wish i had never chosen him over the ex because 1) still have feelings for said ex and 2) i'm not entirely certain mike and i are suitable for each other. i know people say "opposites attract" but in this case not sure that's true. he disapproves of some of the behaviours i have (not just with me but in general). our tastes in music and sports and movies are so different. but at least we are both laid back people. lose-lose for me i suppose.

in other news, still no job yet. almost a dozen applications turned in since 2011 began (and at least two dozen more since summer of last year) and still hearing nothing back. i'm beyond desparate and have bills to pay and <eventually> a wedding to plan and pay for... plus all the other expenses that come after that. i just need ONE good thing to happen to me SOON or else i'm going to seriously lose it!