Well the Celebrity Big Brother trailers are promising a good one tonight so we can only sit back and think of England….or America…wherever.

We open with the gratuitous scenes of Jasmine and Bianca working out. Can’t miss an opportunity clearly. And I don’t just mean for the cameraman, I’m sure the girls know exactly what they’re doing. Especially when they ask a watching Jedward (one of them at least) and Jamie to help ‘spot’ them. I presume they mean help, rather than eye-spy. I smell ‘camera-time’.

Austin is looking moody and sitting in the house, whilst Spencer has the patio door open. He asks Heidi to ask Spencer to close it, which he does, then after a bit of baiting from James and Coleen, opens it again, to get a reaction. Methinks peeps are bored. Nicola decides to wind things up more and opens the door again, whilst Austin see James orchestrate the whole thing. He takes it up with him and James pulls the whole ‘it’s not my fault, if I told them to jump off the cliff, should they’. However Spencer spoils the whole effect and throws him right under the bus. We move on in the footage, but I’m guessing the house guests won’t find it as easy.

Secret task time and Jedward are tasked with having the whole house, bar Bianca to eat some pizzas that are to be delivered. The job is to keep her distracted while the rest of the house eats all the pizza. Suddenly Bianca becomes the popular girl and has a line of people waiting to talk to her (surely that should have aroused suspicion in itself?)

How many celebrities can you fit behind a sofa? Apparently 6 at least. How many pizzas can you fit in a pocket? 1 which Jedward gave to Austin. Lucky him. Bianca is being distracted by Stacy’s horniness and Ray J’s talk of prostitutes and wife problems. The 2 may well be connected. Pizzas are eaten and the housemates appear to have been successful, but we wait and see.

James is definitely bored and decides to irritate Stacy with some male chauvinistic rubbish. She finally realizes and James comments “Even if I did believe that, which I don’t, do you think I’m going to say that?” Kinda proves someone’s still well aware of the cameras …

Next part of the task is given to James C. Noooooo. This man is an icon! An icon that apparently has to drag Tony the show pony through the house, again, with the aim of the game to not have Bianca notice. Maybe she’s why they labelled the tumble dryer? Big Brother is casting aspersions on her character. Ironically James C does note that it will be nice to spend time, albeit a small amount, with something with an IQ higher than some of the housemates. I’m not going to argue. Neither will Tony. Oh my lordy, he does an ‘I am the Lord Commander’ impression (Is it still an impression when it’s him that does it anyway?). Anyhooo The series is now worthwhile.

Now, I’d presumed that Tony the show pony would be an ornament. Maybe, like a really big one. It isn’t. It’s a genuine pony. 4 hooves and a flower crown. A teensy horse though. Suppose even Bianca would notice a Shire. Anyway Angie comes up with the great idea of hosting a meditation session in the bedroom to distract her, and they all put the plan to action. She notices……nothing. Nada. James even takes the pony to look through the bedroom window at her, and still she doesn’t have a clue. This is the part of Big Brother I enjoy. The fun side. That and the other Lord Commander impression we get, when he introduces his ‘steed’. Joyful.

For the final part of the task, Brandon has to host a secret rave in the snug, and all housemates have to enter and all rave for at least 30 seconds, one by one every ten seconds without, you guessed it, Bianca noticing. Austin lies in bed with Bianca, and fakes a drama breakdown. Everyone else makes it in the snug, and wonders how on earth he’ll make it to the snug without her noticing. He does the classic “Wait here one minute, I have a surprise for you” and runs to join the party. They need to last 30 seconds in there for the task pass. Calum’s in his towel, James J in dressing gown and shorts, I think even Ray J was state of undress, and they party like its 1999. Ish. As much as you can do in a souped up shed. The party’s over and Bianca does not have a clue. Comical.

We get to the results of the task and the housemates have passed. Which is unsurprising. Even when everyone told her what had happened, she still looked a bit vague about it all. Definite a highlight of the series.

Stacy is talking about getting herself a love interest. Calum and Brandon are on her list (Run boys run, while you can!). The guys are getting a party as a reward for passing the task. Calum is getting sensitive about his mum being in the house, and points out he went from play boy bad boy lothario to momma’s boy in one easy step.

They all get a game of truth to play, where they have to pick a question out of a box and answer truthfully, this results in James J telling Jamie to grow some balls (can I write that here? Testicles sounds either clinical or culinary, dependent on what other reality shows you watch). Nicola pulls a question out, looks at it and has a “why me???” diva strop. Obviously people react asking what’s up and Jasmine makes the mistake of saying “oh no, looks like she’s going to cry”….

…..And we’re off. Nicola screams “you need to shut the f**k up about the crying sh*t” and battle lines are drawn. Jasmine tries to keep peace and praise the impression she had to do of Spencer (Impersonate the housemate you think is the fakest) but Nicola has whole injured psychopathic Bambi thing going on- looks like you ruined peed on the Christmas tree, but she’ll stab you with it when it’s dried….

Coleen‘s turn and she has to perform a lap dance on the person that she thinks is the most attractive. Can anyone else see this game ending badly? And that’s not a judgement on Coleen’s dancing whatsoever. Coleen goes for it, throws her hair around, pushes up the boobs and straddles Calum. His mum looks ready for oxygen, she laughs so much.

Next up is Spencer who can ask any housemate a question of his choosing and they have to answer truthfully…..uh-oh. Here it comes. Now, I don’t think there’s a penalty for lying so I’d be saying the sky was green if it avoided conflict. But no, these are our celebrities who have been chosen for their potential to entertain a nation or two. You want peace, Talk to the UN. You want drama, you’re in the right place.

So, Spencer is thanking the Gods of mischief making, a la Harry Potter, and asks Jasmine, if she had red wine, and Calum was in the Jacuzzi and Jamie was in the shower, and Calum’s mum wasn’t there (obviously, bit of a passion killer even to a diehard), who would she get wet with. She chooses Calum and Jamie takes the kick in the teeth with a smile that shows his heart breaking. Bless him.

We cut to footage of some housemates outside in the smoking area and Jamie asks Coleen “Am I too nice?”. Hear that? That’s the sound of a bazillion women aww-ing to the screen. And the subsequent stampede to Essex. Coleen coaches him in not changing for anyone, and tells him that although she messes about with Calum, if she were younger she’d chose him. Ermmmm I’m not sure if that’s meant to comfort or scare. Either way, sure she meant well.

Calum walks up to the end of the conversation, and Coleen repeats what she was saying. Can you feel that breeze? Turning a bit windy?? That’s Calum about to blow things out of proportion….

Coleen’s saying how good looking Calum is, and how she could look at him all day, and Ray J tries to clarify the situation by saying, that Jamie is the relationship material and Calum is the one night stand, and tells Jamie, that he needs to be one night stand too. Coleen agrees in passing (there’s a few chiming in at this), and Calum jumps up, complaining about being called that and how charming it is….

I re-ask, do these people not have any notion of self-awareness?? Surely Calum remembers the programs he’s been in, billed as love rat extraordinaire, and leading love lothario? He even exchanged body fluids with Brandi Glanville did he not? That’s like her being offended when you put the swear jar next to her. Calum walks off, saying that he walked up at the wrong time. He walks off back into the house. Stacy follows him back in the house, seeing her piece of action disappear into the wilderness with my chances of winning lotto. Calum has a full blown hissy because people talked about him. I best watch my back then. Coulda sworn that’s what paid his bills- people talking about him and making him famous but then again, what do I know.

We cut to Jedward in pink towels dancing in the mirror, for no reason other than so we know they’re still there as they’ve been surprisingly (and welcomingly) quiet. Let’s quit while we’re ahead here.

Coleen is in the garden with Jasmine, James and Austin, and is reminding me why I never liked her in the original series. She is passing judgement and comment on how Jasmine is leading Jamie on, and that the sexual chemistry is with Calum and so leave Jamie alone, and how she’s only telling her this as it’s how the public sees it. I think Jasmine is canny enough just to nod and agree but someone needs to remind Coleen she’s not the Godfather before she starts putting horse heads on pillows and chewing cigars (Can we make sure Tony has left the building please??? Don’t wanna give any ideas).

We finish on Calum in the diary room trying to explain the problem. He says that he has worked hard the last 7 or 8 years trying to get rid of the reputation he had to be publicly called out by Coleen. I sort of get his point, but….7 or 8 years???? Really??? He needs a new manager….

And so we have it, the end of the day and true colors about to break through. Things are only going to get better…..

AUTHOR: Nicki M.

TELL US – IS CALUM BEING OVERSENSITIVE? HAVE WE FIGURED OUT YET HOW ON EARTH JAMES C. WOUND UP ON THIS SHOW?