New York, NY – It’s draft season yet again in the National Football League. NFL team executives are doing their due diligence; scouting players from colleges around the nation in hopes of finding the best player to suit their needs. That’s a fine tradition and all, scouting proven football players, but this reporter tends to wonder whether or not a team would be better off drafting someone who plays outside the hash marks, so to speak. Not talkin’ collegiate athletes here. I wonder what the draft would look like if anyone on Earth were eligible for recruitment. Let’s break down a first-round fantasy selection for each NFL team if they were allowed to draft ANYONE THEY WANTED…

1. Indianapolis Colts: Timmay!, QB

The Colts really want a guy who is as close to Peyton Manning as they can get. Timmy sure looks the part, and on top of that, he’s about as immobile in the pocket as Manning. This pick is a no-brainer.

Come on, Shanahan. You know you’d lure Jake the Snake out of retirement if you could. You love washed-up veteran players who’ve done a lot in the past but have nothing further to add. Plummer’s been keeping in shape with handball lately, so I can definitely see this happening.

The Purple love a weak secondary full of flashy players who don’t produce. This is where Cruise comes into play. Did you guys see him in Ghost Protocol?? Dude was lighting it up! He’s still got good straight-line speed and not to mention the awareness he brings. The Purple could really use him.

Jim Brown is still, even in his 70s, a far better option than anything the Browns have on the offensive side of the ball. Plus, he’s a legend that still looks like he could take out a linebacker. This pick makes perfect sense for C-town.

If you’ve watched any Rams football in recent years, you’ll know they love to employ a shaky & uncoordinated receiving corps. If anyone is shaky and uncoordinated from being dumb and hammered all the time, it’s the Sitch.

The Fins are after a pretty-boy with athletic prowess to lead their offense. If I remember right, McConaughey played a little drunken late-night imaginary pick-up football with some high schoolers in Dazed and Confused so he’s got experience. See you in Miami.

The Panthers need a guy who won’t let anybody run past him. A wall of a man. Cue Deebo. Nobody could take down Deebo until that asshole Craig whipped a brick at his head in the movie Friday, so my money is on big D for the 9th overall pick.

The Cowboys don’t really care about football talent as much as they care about whether or not you look good in a Cowboys uniform. Shia is soft, but he’s got quick lateral movement. He’ll fit in nicely here at #14 for Dallas.

Philly is looking for a stout, bullish run-stopper at #15. Someone with enough force to command a double-team at the line of scrimmage. I don’t think Rosie will be available at #15, but if she is, Philly’s got to snatch her up.

The Answer is one of the greatest athletic talents of this generation who’s nearing the end of his career but still has a lot left in the tank. Plus, he’s been catching passes for the last 15 years or so. This pick is ideal for Cinci.

Lesnar is completing a stint in the WWE again, but after that, he’ll bulk up and be ready for another shot at the NFL. Seeing as Chicago is a tough-guy town, the Bears should give him a shot to fill a need at DT.

Detroit doesn’t take any shit. They are as tough as anyone. Epic Beard Man doesn’t take any shit and is also as tough as they come. This was proven to us after he decimated a bully on a city bus not too long ago. Detroit needs a defensive role-player like Epic Beard Man.

All i’m sayin is Ben Rapelisberger would welcome the company of another rapist on the roster. He could use somebody to bond with. I know Iron Mike, I know you’re a changed man and all, but you can’t escape your past.

The Packers have an awesome team that needs no help on either side of the ball. They need to bring in Wisconsin native Laura Kaeppeler to stand and wave on obvious passing situations to distract defenders. I mean, she did reach out to Aaron Rodgers after winning the crown, so there’s compatibility there.

The Mental Assassin has been sidelined for the season with an non-debilitating elbow injury, so he’s looking for a gig. If the Niners don’t add him to the roster here, they are stupid. Wilson possesses a personality and drive to succeed that is rarely found in an athlete. Plus, he’s borderline psychotic.

The Giants are loaded and poised for a Super Bowl repeat, so an upgrade is not needed. However, adding the incredibly volatile Ronnie could inject a little energy into a linebacking corps that’s been overshadowed by the stellar play of the defensive line.