In Which We Respond To Journalist's Assertion That "Breasts Don't Like Bouncing Around"

Just when you think you are beginning to understand the Mysteries of Womanity (e.g. "Why do I have hair down there?" "Why don't these pants fit me anymore?" "Why do I feel so much regret?"), along comes Times of India columnist and non-woman Biben Laikhuram to remind us that we don't know jack-sh*t about our bodies or ourselves. Don't hate, EDUCATE.

"Women don't bathe everyday: Not all women bathe everyday, no matter how much they profess cleanliness and hygiene. They rely on deodorants and perfumes to smell good." (Which is exactly the way the bourgeoise used to live before the late 19th century, incidentally.) There is a reason some of us don't bathe every day, Biben — it's because some of us melt upon contact with water. Like the Wicked Witch of the West or the aliens from Signs.

"Women eat a hell of a lot: When men are around, women act like they eat too little. But when left alone she can polish off a full size pizza. Now, we know why women always talk about food and recipes." Okay, that's mostly cool with me, except that I have eaten sloppy-a*s burritos on dates like nobody's business.

"Women can spend a whole day before a mirror." Yes. We demand to know "Who is the Fairest of Them All," receive a mirror reflection of Kate Upton, burst into tears, and polish off a full-size pizza. #thursday

"Breasts don't like bouncing around: Jogging, walking and aerobics can cause your breasts to bounce around. Always wear a proper bra to minimize the bounce, so that you can also reduce your breast pain." If breasts are allowed their own agency to "like" or "dislike" things, my breasts don't mind bouncing, but they really hate it if you address them without using the precursor "Royal" or "Awesome." Or even "Mr." "Mr. Breasts." Show some damn respect, dude.

Millions of sex a day: Believe it or not, everyday about 100 million couples around the world have sex. That means around 65,000 couples are having sex right now. So if you imagine the sheer intensity of the sexual activity, you are sure to find it gross.

Naked bodies make noises: While having sex your bodies rub against each other, and start to sweat, get sticky and even make strange noises. Maybe sex with clothes on is a more hygienic idea. Eww, "skin noises." "The human body does things." Sorry the noises produced by the MILLIONS OF SEX a day is putting you off your High Tea, Biben.