"Meaningful Marriage with Dr Brent Barlow" was a weekly newspaper article in the Deseret News from 1979-1990. More than 500 articles were written on the topic of relationships and marriage, now available here for you to enjoy. Please comment or share if you find them helpful.

Couples Should Take Time to Know Each Other Before Marriage

Published
April 6, 1989. Not long ago I was talking to a
young woman who has been married less than a year. After our conversation she
made an observation about her husband: “If I knew then (before marriage) what I
know now, we would have never married.”

Granted, there is some risk in every
marriage. You never can know everything possible or even necessary to give you
any guarantee. Even if you know a great deal about a person before you marry
and deem him or her to be an adequate spouse, the person might change in
numerous ways after you marry. Life offers many risks and few guarantees.
Marriage is no exception.

I firmly believe that many couples
do not take adequate time to get to know each other. Neither do they take the
time or opportunity to find out some basic information about the person with
whom they intend to spend a lifetime.

My first semester at BYU in the fall
of 1977 was very interesting. The first day of class I asked the students why
they were enrolled in a course on preparing for marriage. (I have since learned
that the real task at BYU is to take such a course without letting your friends
and roommates know that you are!)

After several comments, some of
which were rather humorous, one young woman raised her hand. She said she
intently wanted to find a husband and went to a dance one night with such a
pursuit in mind. During the dance she met a young man who was also highly
motivated to marry. The student told us that they were engaged in two weeks and
married two months from the time they met at the dance. And four months after
their marriage, they were divorced. She simply added. “I’m taking this class to
find out what happened and why.”

Marriage counselors and educators
recommend that those contemplating marriage date each other several months
before they marry. In her recent book “How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect
and Find Someone to Love,” Judith Sills, Ph.D., recommends that a person do a
little checking on someone before considering marriage. She suggests that a
person wait at least 90 days after first contemplating marriage, and during
those three months find out the following:

Demographic data—home, childhood, schools, etc.

How the person has functioned in previous
relationships.

Vocational capabilities and previous work patterns.

Ethical and moral views on important issues.

Political background and views.

Religious interests and perspectives.

Range of interests and hobbies.

Drug and alcohol habits.

Present relationships with parents, brothers, and
sisters.

Past
ability to manage money, debt, and savings.

Attitudes about child bearing and rearing.

How does a person learn all these
things? Sills suggests a person do so by listening, observing and, when
necessary, asking. I also suggest all couples contemplating marriage visit the
family of the person they intend to marry. The simple truth in life is “when
you marry, you marry the family.” Yet many couples naively plan a wedding in
which the ceremony is the first time he or she will meet their future in-laws.

If, at the end of the 90 days, you
still feel you want to marry, then proceed. The new information acquired will
help with the decision. But remember the warning not to marry too quickly.

Perhaps James Branch Cabell has said
it best. He once wrote, “Marry in haste and repent in leisure.”