I think the suggestion to just go the night before is a good one. If you are very worried about your husband and the kids, perhaps ask if your family could stay at your parents overnight and all leave together.

...My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding...

I don't understand this? He won't be away from her getting ready if he's picking you up so you can be there while your sister gets ready... because he'd be back with you in time for her getting ready - I mean isn't that the point? Now if he objects to the drive that's one thing, and reasonable, but if this is your reason for not wanting this solution, then it really doesn't make sense.

...My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding...

I don't understand this? He won't be away from her getting ready if he's picking you up so you can be there while your sister gets ready... because he'd be back with you in time for her getting ready - I mean isn't that the point? Now if he objects to the drive that's one thing, and reasonable, but if this is your reason for not wanting this solution, then it really doesn't make sense.

1) I think a tupperware party for a Kitchen Tea is fine, so long as your sister doesn't expect gifts on top of that. If I understand it, your sister will get some of the cash generated from any sales made at the party? That should be "the gift". If she insists on wanting gifts on top of whatever sales are made, I'd distance myself from this party, and refuse to have anything to do with hosting it. Oh, and as PPs have stated, it should be made clear upfront to guests that it is in fact a tupperware party.

2) I'd encourage you to try your best to be there, getting ready with your sister on the morning of her wedding. I like the idea about staying overnight at your parents' place. Or perhaps you can take a taxi, or public transport, to their house first thing in the morning?

3) Again, it's not rude to just attend the dinner part of the Hen's Night. Slightly off topic, but I personally don't see what's so outlandish about going to a nightclub if you happen to be a mother. No one's saying that you HAVE to dance with strange men. You can just have a drink (soft drink, if you like), dance a while with the girls, then leave.

4) This is tacky, and as a sister, I personally think it's ok to tell her that she shouldn't EXPECT her in-laws to fork out once she's married.

1. This feels 'off' to me - but we don't have a tradition of showers or kitchen teas.

2. Totally reasonable. You agreed to be her bridesmaid, it would be very strange for you not to be there to get ready and to help her. If your dad is willing to come collect you then the transport issue is solved. If not, staying over the night before would be an option.

3. She's said she's fine with people not coming to everything. Let her know in advance which part you can come to. But if your only reason for not going to the first part is child care then I would try to solve that as a child care issue so you can be with your sister as much as possible. I think it would be good if at least one (of you and your other sister) were here at the start of the evening, but not essential.

4. None of your business. IF your relationship with your sister is such that you can bring it up, then OK, but it isn't your responsibility. If you have any misgivings at all about how any comment would be received, say nothing.

In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable. OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride. Three young children, one car. Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

If this were a typical family dinner, I'd say that it was unreasonable. But it's not. It's a unique, important occasion. Hopefully this is the one and only time the bride will be having a wedding. It's not unreasonable that she wants her sister there to get ready. That is fairly typical for weddings. If my sister chose convenience over spending time with me on my wedding day, it would definitely change the dynamics of our relationship. Especially if there are solutions available. It's not the youngest sister's fault that the oldest sister moved away and had three children and changed the expectations of what getting ready for the wedding would entail.

For the kitchen tea I actually think it sounds kind of practical if it's a gift giving occasion as if people want to bring a gift for her the can otherwise they can buy something from the party for her. Just make it clear that it's a tupperware party on the invites.

I think you need to find a way to be there, it would be nice if you and your other sister could stay over the night before and have one last family night in with your mum, dad and little sister before her wedding.

For the hen party, the pole dancing and clubbing are more friend activities than family activities so I think you're fine to miss them but maybe you could volunteer to get to the restaurant early and put up some decorations/goody bags for everyone (basically making the arrangements for the meal your contribution to the hen party).

Stay well out of her opinions on her in laws, just smile, nod and change the subject.

A Tupperware party as a shower/kitchen tea sounds perfectly reasonable to me. The whole point of a shower is to give presents. So guests can pick out a gift (and Tupperware has a wide variety of price ranges) or even go in with someone else to split costs.

1) I think a tupperware party for a Kitchen Tea is fine, so long as your sister doesn't expect gifts on top of that. If I understand it, your sister will get some of the cash generated from any sales made at the party? That should be "the gift". If she insists on wanting gifts on top of whatever sales are made, I'd distance myself from this party, and refuse to have anything to do with hosting it. Oh, and as PPs have stated, it should be made clear upfront to guests that it is in fact a tupperware party.

The way these parties work, IME, is that a percentage of the sales can be put toward products, and there is also a hostess gift. There will be no cash for the bride, but she will get free products, as well as gifts from the guests. People aren't there to buy things for themselves, but for the bride. (although I guess it would be possible to put an order in for yourself if you wanted to.) I personally like these kinds of showers. It could have been worse, it could have been lingerie!

The only thing that strikes me as ghastly is the Tupperware party, and I'm obviously the odd man out.

IMO, everything about it is ghastly. It's self directed giving, the bride benefits additionally from the purchases, and if this is meant to be her shower gift, it applies a weird form of social pressure to those who may be a bit financially strapped, but see what others are spending?

And this doesn't even address the issue of forcing guests to listen to a marketing presentation, along with subtle pressure to purchase for themselves.

Having the bridesmaids with her to get ready is quite reasonable, in my opinion. I am sure the OP's husband can care for his children and get them to the wedding, even if, for some reason, they aren't picture perfect. The time with my sister would be more important than some unruly hair. If the church is close, a taxi wouldn't be very expensive. Or he could arrange a ride with another guest in the area or coordinate with other family members who may be willing to go a little out of their away.

I dislike the tupperware kitchen tea. Those presentations aren't a party, they aren't celebratory and they aren't fun for the guests. If the bride really wants tupperware (and not just the money from the party), perhaps someone could hold a party some time before and let the guests know (on a strictly, "hey, there will be a tupperware party at my place. I know bride likes their products so it may be a good time to buy a few things for her shower - we can split the hostess's part!").

Depending on where they live, there may not be taxi service or public transportation. Where I grew up, neither of these were available.

I don't think you would want 3 young children in the house during the time the bride and bridesmaids are wanting to get ready. Little kids are active and would want to be in on "what's going on". I have visions of sticky fingers touching dresses, feet getting caught on dresses and rips happening, juice being split, etc. Plus now OP would have to help corral her kids as well as worry about getting ready.

Life situations change. When OP got married, she was the oldest, and the other two were not, the btb was only 15 and living at home. Fast forward seven years and there are 3 young kids, one car and distance involved. So it is not going to be the same as it was when OP got married. It might work if op's dad can get her the night before so she can leave car with dh. If not, OP needs to do what works best for her in this situation. DH can get her to church early or dad can come and get her so she can get to church early and spend time with her dsis there.

Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad. Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding. If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that. Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead? Then we just have a lovely tea?"

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding. It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no? If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly.

And the nightclubbing? No one says you have to close down the bars. Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family.

The latter case seems like it's none of your business. You're her big sister, not her keeper. The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers." Or whatever. Do it every time. She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices. I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

Depending on where they live, there may not be taxi service or public transportation. Where I grew up, neither of these were available.

I don't think you would want 3 young children in the house during the time the bride and bridesmaids are wanting to get ready. Little kids are active and would want to be in on "what's going on". I have visions of sticky fingers touching dresses, feet getting caught on dresses and rips happening, juice being split, etc. Plus now OP would have to help corral her kids as well as worry about getting ready.

Life situations change. When OP got married, she was the oldest, and the other two were not, the btb was only 15 and living at home. Fast forward seven years and there are 3 young kids, one car and distance involved. So it is not going to be the same as it was when OP got married. It might work if op's dad can get her the night before so she can leave car with dh. If not, OP needs to do what works best for her in this situation. DH can get her to church early or dad can come and get her so she can get to church early and spend time with her dsis there.

Sure life situations change. However, the issue is whether OP's sister's expectations are reasonable. And by most people's understanding of a bridesmaid's role, they are. If the bride was insisting that OP be there for every event, from engagement party through after wedding brunch, regardless of the effect on her family, that would be completely out of line. But this is the day of the wedding. My opinion is that OP should make every effort to be there that morning, and she's gotten some good suggestions here on how that could be possible.

So I guess I disagree that the OP needs to do what works best for her in this situation. It would no doubt be more convenient for her to get ready at her own home and drive over to the church with her family. But for this one day, it's appropriate to do what is less convenient for her and her family in order to support her sister.

On another note, I certainly agree that 3 children in the mix of getting ready doesn't sound like a recipe for success!