Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Justice League #11: Drowned Earth, Part 2

In this issue: the Justice League vs. water!

After my review of Drowned Earth Part 1, Internet user darksammieknite asked, "How…the…FUCK did you accurately describe this event from the first issue?!" Aha! The kind of question I love! The kind where I get to toot my own horn!

First off, I don't know how much I got right or wrong since I haven't read the series yet. But history suggests that I fucking nailed every single detail. After all, I was the one who first guessed that Red Robin would become Harvest! But the serious answer is this: I'm a fucking Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! You don’t waste thirty years of your life reading comic books and not learn a little something about, well, actually you don’t learn much. But I know comic books!

TOOOT TOOOT, MOTHERFUCKER!

Man, I hope darksammieknite wasn't being sarcastic! I don't want to look like a fool on the Internet yet again.

Although if I guessed the entire story in the write-up on the first chapter, what's left to say about this one? I suppose I could drag Aquaman some more. That's always fun. I know people hate it because they always come at you with an argument they stole from somebody else because they can't think up their own unique thoughts and say, "Let people be happy about the things they love!" Well fuck you! Because I love dumping all over Aquaman! Let *ME* be happy!

Seriously. It's not like I look up AquamanLover6969 on Twitter and direct message them my degrading insults about Aquaman. This is my safe space to shit straight down Aquaman's throat! If you take away my safe Aquaman hating space then I'll have no other choice but to grow a beard (a longer and messier one!), move out to the woods (deeper and thicker ones!), learn electronics and chemistry, buy an old typewriter that has three specific flaws that will eventually lead back to me, write (more) threatening letters to DC (and Marvel! Namor fucking sucks too!), and eventually be nicknamed "The Dumb Unabomber." Do you want that on your conscience?! I didn't think so. Let me feel the joy of hating Aquaman!

It would be fun to troll Aquaman fans though. They think they're so much better than the people with brains who know Aquaman is stupid. They're all, "He's super dense from having lived under the sea!" But they don't ever say, "I wonder how he became so dense when he was born on land and raised on land and he never exploded like other sea life that's brought up from the deepest deep!" But now they're probably saying stupid things like, "He's just super dense because of his Atlantean heritage! And before you say he talks to fish like all the normies who think they're so cool when they shit on Aquaman, he's actually a minor telepath who excels in communicating with aquatic life! He can probably also 'speak' with spermatozoa!" And then I would be all, "Oh? Now I'm intrigued! Is Aquaman the gay hero the gay community has been waiting for?!" Then I glance at a poster of Jason Momoa and gasp, "Oh, why yes he is!"

What was I saying? Oh yeah! Aquaman is a dumb hero who speaks to fish! Take that, Aquaman fans!

I think I'm tapped into the spinal fluid of the universe because after writing that Unabomber stuff, I refreshed my Twitter feed and the top tweet was from Andy Richter saying, "Let Ted Kaczynski host the Oscars," and linked to an article about "The Unlikely New Generation of Unabomber Acolytes."

Let me translate: "Aquaman doesn't speak to fish, you stupid rubes! He's cool because he can plagiarize the abilities of people cooler than him! Idiots! Aquaman is the new Batman!"

You know how we all know that Aquaman sucks because all he can do is speak with fish? It's because every time a writer tries to show that Aquaman is cool, they say, "He's more than just speaking with fish!" It's like they realize all that we ever see is him speaking with fish and riding seahorses and so us idiots just seem to think that's all he can do. The only way I would enjoy this comic book and have any respect left for Snyder is if Aquaman saves the day by speaking with fish! Then everybody could accept Aquaman for who he really is and he can stop trying to desperately impress everybody! Just control a bunch of sharks to eat everybody's faces again so you can earn another edgelord meme, Arthur!

Great! So your powers work in super specific scenarios! Try saving this same day if it happened in Lincoln, Nebraska, you fishy twat.

Being that this is only part two of Drowned Earth, we're still in the "everything is going to shit" phase of a comic book story. So by the end of it, Aquaman has been impaled on Poseidon's trident, Batman is under attack by the Legion of Doom, and Mera, Flash, and Superman are being beat down by supersized Black Manta. Things will probably begin turning around late next issue!

Grade: B+. What the hell? It's kind of fun and feels fairly old school (aside from the threat to all life on Earth. But then that's kind of an old school threat too since nobody is actually dying. They're just turning into fish people for a bit!). Aquaman is a turd.