I'm not sure if this is the right place to let it all out and bare our souls; but that's what I need to do right now, so that's what I'm going to do!

I spent 17 years battling an eating disorder. While an eating disorder is a real illness, it is one that you have a huge measure of control over yourself. When I began to enter recovery a year ago, I made the decision to use that control to choose health instead of illness. And what a choice that was! Finally I would have a life.

But fate would have it that I don't get any health. Now I am here. And I'm angry. I see all of you living your lives with strength and perseverance and there is so much hope... but I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will get a diagnosis, that this all is what it seems to be. Or on days that the symptoms don't line up, I'm afraid that I won't get a diagnosis, and that I'll still be confused. I have days that I have pain that is agonizing and days that I think I'm making it all up.

Today I feel like I am just a lazy wimp.

But I'm glad to be here. Thanks for all the support so far.

09-22-2011, 01:49 PM

lupyme

Hang in there. Waiting on a diagnosis sucks! Especially if it's lupus. That can be a long wait and not pleasant to hear you have. Still you may have symptoms caused by something easily treated. I hope so.

09-22-2011, 02:28 PM

rob

Hi Misha,

Eating disorders are indeed a very real illness, and despite the fact that you can have such a measure of control over it yourself, people still lose their battle, and die. The fact that you survived for 17 years and made it into a recovery program, that you took control, tells me that you're not "just a lazy wimp".

I was diagnosed with SLE back in 2004. Pre-diagnosis, I was scared, big time. I did not know what was wrong with me, and I had no control over my own health because of it. Once I received the SLE diagnosis, something unexpected happened. I felt relief, but more importantly, I felt like I was back in control. And I was. I had flopped around like a fish out of water fighting some enemy I could not even identify. Fighting what was wrong with me was like shooting skeet while blindfolded. But after the diagnosis, I knew what the enemy was, and I knew that I could take the proper steps to fight it. There was no more shooting blind. And the steps I took to fight this thing, slowly but surely began to work. I was back in control.

After that, much of the fear just went away. Your fear, and anger, are hard to deal with, but, they are normal things to feel when we get possible bad news. They are also temporary, you will not always feel this way. The doubts and second guessing oneself is also something we experience often. You know yourself, you know your own body. Trust what it's telling you, and trust your instincts. If you truly feel that something just isn't right with your health, you are probably right. And if you are right, remember that an eating disorder did not beat you, and neither will this.

Above all, have hope. Things can, and will get better for you,

Rob

09-22-2011, 09:23 PM

abbasgirl

Rob, that was very well put.

((((APPLAUSE)))) for your win over the battle, Misha! ((((STANDING APPLAUSE)))))

Rob's right about the fear coming and going. For me, when it gets heavy, I try to find as many happy distractions as I can until it passes. It sounds kind of simple, but it helps me. Fear is okay but too much of it is bad for us.