To Love, Honor and Vacuumhttps://tolovehonorandvacuum.com
When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and a MotherWed, 21 Feb 2018 12:56:03 +0000en-UShourly1http://tolovehonorandvacuum.comhttp://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk272/SheilaGregoire/Sheilasquare.jpgVisit Sheila!Why I Blog for All the Real Life Marriage Misfits Who Aren’t Pigeonholedhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/ndXcL77PkaI/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/why-i-blog-for-all-the-real-life-marriage-misfits-who-arent-pigeonholed/#respondWed, 21 Feb 2018 12:56:03 +0000https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=33442I like to be a very down-to-earth Christian marriage blogger. This week I&#8217;m taking a bit of a step back, since my daughter is getting married on Saturday! I&#8217;m going to be posting some round-ups of some of the best marriage advice I&#8217;ve published. But as I was looking for posts I wanted to share, [&#8230;]I like to be a very down-to-earth Christian marriage blogger.

This week I’m taking a bit of a step back, since my daughter is getting married on Saturday! I’m going to be posting some round-ups of some of the best marriage advice I’ve published.

But as I was looking for posts I wanted to share, I came across this reflection that I wrote after my big “Every Man’s Battle” week that I wrote in June. I actually sent this reflection out to my weekly newsletter subscribers back then (if you’re not on my email list, you miss a lot of behind the scenes stuff, coupons, extra freebies, monthly videos, and more!) I thought it was important, and summed up well some of the things I’ve been thinking on the blog this year, so I thought I’d share it with you more widely!

A reflection written June 30, 2017, after writing the “Every Man’s Battle” series:

Last week something strange happened. I spent a week writing almost 15,000 words on how the conservative Christian church has shamed women by talking about “every man’s battle” with lust as being primarily women’s fault, and, to my surprise, 95% of my female readers said a collective, “Well, DUH!” Even the vast majority of the men commenting agreed with me.

I thought I’d get a lot of pushback. And while I got some, the outpouring of support was overwhelming. It was instead a huge, collective “Finally, someone said it!”

In other words, I said something which was totally obvious to almost everyone sitting in the pews in churches in North America today–and yet that message is not heard in books, or by pastors from the pulpit, or by big name speakers.

Why not?

I think it’s kind of like what happened last year when Gary Thomas, who is a pastor with the Southern Baptist Church (full disclosure, he’s also a friend) published his awesome article Enough is Enough, talking about how the Christian church needs to come to terms with the fact that in preaching the evils of divorce, it has also made it so horribly difficult to help women in truly abusive marriages. We need to stop talking only about saving marriages and start also talking about saving the people in those marriages.

It was not a radical idea. I’ve been saying the same thing for years; so has Leslie Vernick and countless other writers. But this time a well-known Baptist minister said it. And that’s what was so surprising. Someone broke with the mold.

And there IS a mold. If you’re going to get well-known in the Christian world, you have to get books published. Then you have to get on radio shows, but radio shows steer clear of controversy, so you have to say something relatively innocuous. Then you also have to get other authors to like you, so you can’t critique anyone.

I don’t like that very much.

I admit that I used to steer clear of certain topics, because I desperately wanted to grow this blog and grow my speaking ministry, and I didn’t want to lose readers.

But lately I’ve been finding that some things just need to be said, even if it means criticizing some pretty big things in the evangelical world–like my post Top 10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much (again, that post went huge and was largely appreciated); and my Every Man’s Battle post last week. These things are important. They’re almost “emperor’s new clothes” level important. Everyone’s thinking, “the typical take on this is really strange”, but no one’s saying it out loud. So you think you’re alone believing it’s somehow off, and you’re not.

Unfortunately, once you start trying to build an audience in the Christian world, it’s tempting to self-censor because you don’t want to tick off people that you need to sell your books. And so people stop saying things that are blatantly obvious because it may anger some people. But then the Christian world becomes rather bland and safe, and very few pastors and authors deal with the real messiness when the pat answers don’t always work.

My daughter Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel is challenging a lot of the typical things Christians say, too. The parents who did all the “right” Christian things that we often hear about in conservative Christian circles tended to have kids who rebelled far more than the parents who broke with the mold a little bit. The reason? Everything comes back to authenticity. And you can’t be fully authentic if you’re wedded to a particular viewpoint rather than to a relationship. If you read her book (and I hope you will!), you’ll likely say a whole lot of, “Of course! That’s so true.” We all instinctively know this stuff. But we don’t articulate it, because it seems dangerous.

Maybe that’s a good thing, because I don’t want to stay safe.

The whole reason I blog is because I like to think about things, and I like to pray and wrestle through things, and I like to talk about those things with you. But it needs to be about what I think Jesus is saying, not what a particular viewpoint is saying.

The other danger is that as soon as we start blogging or writing or speaking primarily from a certain viewpoint–whether it’s a denomination or a political party or whatever–then we start seeing the other side as the enemy. If we think of ourselves mainly in terms of our viewpoints (I believe “A”), then we also tend to think that Jesus believes our viewpoint, too (Jesus also believes “A”). We’re Team A! Therefore, anyone who isn’t Team A is automatically wrong about pretty much everything. We look at what side they align themselves with, and either embrace them or dismiss them based on that. We don’t listen to what they’re actually saying.

I don’t want to be pigeonholed. I want to be myself.

Last week I was debunking a big foundation of the sexuality narrative in evangelical churches today–the one that says that men’s sexual needs really matter more than women’s, because women were put here to serve men first. Yet at the same time, I had some feminist blogs angry at me because I didn’t go far enough. I held, for instance, that men actually ARE visually stimulated in a way that women don’t tend to be (and I do believe that). So neither entrenched viewpoint was happy with me–though most readers were. And to me, the readers are all I care about.

You showed me last week that I don’t need to be scared–that people are so, so hungry for REAL dialogue on this stuff, because we don’t see it in the churches very often and we don’t see it in bookstores, either. Where we do see it is on the internet, where real people can hang out without the gatekeepers in the wider Christian sphere. I am so very grateful for that lesson, and for the many kind words, especially on Facebook, that you all sent my way. It really was a confirmation to me from God of what I’m supposed to be doing.

Publishers and denominations have a lot to learn from the internet.

One reason this blog is actually the biggest Christian marriage blog on the web (even though I’m not the biggest marriage author) is because I talk about real stuff that people are actually thinking about. I’m not trying to build a denomination or protect my reputation; I’m just talking.

And I’m just me.

I’m not your pastor. I don’t want to stay aloof from you. I don’t want you to follow me because I’m some big name or because I represent a viewpoint. I simply want to talk about stuff, and let you all get to know me, and then you can all make up your own minds. We’re in this together.

Jesus is with the marriage misfits. Jesus is in the trenches. Jesus doesn’t care about reputation or image or pedigree. And I pray that I may never, ever get so caught up in trying to get “big” that I self-censor myself ever again.

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!

.]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/why-i-blog-for-all-the-real-life-marriage-misfits-who-arent-pigeonholed/feed/0https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/why-i-blog-for-all-the-real-life-marriage-misfits-who-arent-pigeonholed/The Best Ideas for Quick Things To Improve a Marriagehttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/cNbydtxGRSg/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/the-best-ideas-for-quick-things-to-improve-a-marriage/#commentsTue, 20 Feb 2018 12:53:18 +0000http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=37226Sometimes small things can make the biggest changes in improving a marriage! This week I&#8217;m gearing up for my daughter Katie&#8217;s wedding on Saturday, and so I&#8217;m posting some round-ups to some of my favourite posts addressing marriage. I&#8217;ve got 2500 posts on this blog; chances are you haven&#8217;t read them all! So I thought [&#8230;]Sometimes small things can make the biggest changes in improving a marriage!

This week I’m gearing up for my daughter Katie’s wedding on Saturday, and so I’m posting some round-ups to some of my favourite posts addressing marriage. I’ve got 2500 posts on this blog; chances are you haven’t read them all! So I thought I’d pick several topics this week and link to some of the best ones!

Recently Keith and I presented our own marriage conference in Pittsburgh (with material that we wrote ourselves). And one of the big themes that we were trying to hammer home is that often little changes in a marriage, little shifts in how you do things, end up making the biggest difference.

The Best Marriage Habits to Improve a Marriage

What if all it took to make you feel close was twenty minutes a day? What if communication didn’t have to be that challenging? We often think that marriage requires hours and hours to stay close. I don’t think it does. It just means being purposeful in our interactions!

What difference would it make in your marriage if you could start praying everyday–and have it not feel awkward? The emphasis in this post is on how to make praying out loud easier if one or both of you feels uncomfortable! Praying as a couple doesn’t need to be that hard.

This “exchange lists” idea was one of the best things we did for our marriage–and helped us develop habits that we’ve kept ever since. I’ll even let you get away with just 20 if you can’t think of 25. But try it!

If there’s one thing you can do daily that will help you communicate more and understand each other more, it’s this! And it’s so much better than just saying, “how was your day?” I call it the Marriage Check In.

Okay, again, I’m not saying you have to pick 79! But I was on an interview yesterday with a bunch of young moms, and so many were saying, “now that we have kids we don’t have any fun together.” Well, maybe you need a hobby, so that your whole life isn’t just the kids. And hobbies don’t have to be expensive, and they don’t have to take a lot of time. Check out this list of hobbies for couples!

One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to go to bed at the same time. And yet most of us don’t. When Katie gets married, this is one of the habits she wants to instigate most. David has to get up so early to be at PT (physical training for the military) every morning. So that means that they’ll have to go to bed by 10 or 10:30 at the latest, and get up around 6:30. That’s a stretch for my Katie who has never had to get up early in her life, and who often stays up way too late. But she wants to get in the same routine. So go to bed together!

The Best Mind Shifts to Improve a Marriage

This is honestly one of the most ground-breaking insights I think I’ve ever had about marriage, and I really want this concept to catch on more. The reason that we often have conflict is because we honestly have no idea how to identify what the real issue is. And 90% of the time, we’re fighting over something that isn’t even the issue. Identify the issue, and it’s much easier to find the win-win! Here’s how.

Here’s the great thing about all of those posts: none of them require more than 15 minutes. Many of them take less than five, and others are just mind shifts that make a huge difference in your marriage.

But they all can transform the way you relate to each other and help you feel like you know each other’s hearts more and you have each other’s backs.

It is so easy to drift apart in marriage and start feeling like you’re not connecting anymore, or wondering if you each even want to be together anymore. On the podcast I was doing with young moms yesterday, so many echoed the sentiment that their lives revolve around the kids, they worry that their husband resents the children, and now they have to add “caring for my marriage” to their already full to-do list.

I get it. But what if it didn’t have to be that way? What if it weren’t honestly that hard to make sure that you each felt cared for? That’s what I’m aiming for–to show you that it’s just little habits that can make the biggest difference.

If you’re feeling discouraged today, like you’re never connecting, or if you’re just feeling like things aren’t as fresh as they once were, read through these and decide on the ONE that you want to try to implement. And I hope that they make a huge difference for you, too!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/the-best-ideas-for-quick-things-to-improve-a-marriage/feed/6https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/the-best-ideas-for-quick-things-to-improve-a-marriage/The Best Advice for Choosing a Good Husbandhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/yFdSxyVDoVc/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/the-best-advice-for-choosing-a-good-husband/#commentsMon, 19 Feb 2018 12:43:29 +0000http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=37223How do you choose a good husband? How do you know that the guy you&#8217;re marrying is a good guy? This is a super exciting week in my family, because my daughter Katie is getting married on Saturday! And because of that, we&#8217;re busy gearing up for the wedding and welcoming family into our home. [&#8230;]How do you choose a good husband? How do you know that the guy you’re marrying is a good guy?

This is a super exciting week in my family, because my daughter Katie is getting married on Saturday!

And because of that, we’re busy gearing up for the wedding and welcoming family into our home.

So I thought that rather than write new posts this week, I’d do some round-ups, with links to some of my favourite posts on subjects that I get asked a lot! I actually have about 2,500 posts on this blog, and chances are you haven’t seen them all. I hope I can introduce you to some new ones today!

Is 4 too many? Here are just two things that you really need. Just two. This helps you figure out if a guy is worth dating (then you can expand it to four later!)

I wrote this post first, and then Katie and I talked about it a ton, and she ended up doing a video on it as well.

Choosing a Good Husband: Red flags to avoid

Okay, those are the things that you absolutely want in a guy. But how do you tell if the guy you’re dating has good character? Are there warning signs that you should avoid? I believe there are, and I’ve written a number of things that may help.

How do you know he’s really a solid guy? That you’re choosing a good husband? Here’s the run-down on how to discern if he’s got good character. And basically: If you have to convince yourself he’s not the wrong guy for you, then he’s likely the wrong guy for you.

If you have a friend who is about to walk down the aisle, and you’re afraid that she may be making a mistake, here are 10 questions that can help her see if her relationship is built on something solid.

You may date someone and have a great time, but you can’t really know someone unless you do life together. Too many couples don’t do life; they put on their best behaviour, and so you marry without really understanding what the person is like. Here’s how to identify the red flags!

How to Date Well

Those posts all have to do with figuring out whether the guy you’re with is worth marrying. But what about if there isn’t a guy in the picture yet? What about general things about how to get ready to date well and marry well? I’ve written a bunch about that, too!

It’s great to have faith that God will give you a good husband. But sitting at home watching Netflix while crocheting an afghan, believing that when God is ready He will send someone to you, is likely not the best idea. Here’s a better way to increase your chances of getting married!

What if you’re older, and you’re not married yet? Does that mean that your standards have been too high, and you need to lower them? Not necessarily. But I think we believe “settling” means something different than it actually does.

Andy Stanley’s book The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating is awesome. And he gives the best one-liner about how to find a good husband that I’ve ever heard! If young people can get their heads around this awesome dating advice, it would save a ton of heartache.

There you go! A ton of posts on how to choose a good husband. See one that resonates? Please share on social media so that young people who are still in the dating stage can get some good advice!

And, of course, you can give Katie a wedding present by subscribing to her YouTube channel.

Any advice you’d like to see about how to choose a mate? Let me know in the comments, and I’ll try to include it in my next series for singles!

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/the-best-advice-for-choosing-a-good-husband/feed/8https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/the-best-advice-for-choosing-a-good-husband/With Sex, Practice Makes Perfect!http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/sClyLyEskcw/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/sex-gets-better-with-time/#commentsFri, 16 Feb 2018 12:50:10 +0000https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=36153For many women, sex just isn&#8217;t that great at the beginning of the marriage. This week we&#8217;ve been looking at specific ways to make sex better, and today, to wrap it all up, I thought it was time for a bit of a pep talk. Here&#8217;s one of the problems we women have starting marriage: [&#8230;]For many women, sex just isn’t that great at the beginning of the marriage.

This week we’ve been looking at specific ways to make sex better, and today, to wrap it all up, I thought it was time for a bit of a pep talk.

Here’s one of the problems we women have starting marriage: we have nothing to compare sex to except for movies and our husbands. It’s not like we really know what’s going on in anyone else’s bedroom, so we look at movies, where women are aroused and excited from the get go, and always have a wonderful time. And then we look at our husbands, who are similarly aroused and excited from the get go, and don’t usually take very long to reach climax.

And we think that’s “normal”.

So when we take a long time to get aroused or reach orgasm, we figure there’s something wrong with us.

Here’s how it often goes: we start to touch each other, and we women are a little nervous. We’re not sure exactly what we want. But it’s obvious that our husbands are ready for the main event.

Maybe he tries to touch you to make you feel good, but it’s not really working. You don’t know why; it’s just that your body isn’t really responding. What he’s doing feels a little awkward. But he’s obviously impatient (and doesn’t seem that into foreplay), and you start to wonder if your body can even respond anyway, because it just doesn’t seem to. Because you’re embarrassed that nothing is really happening, and so you just say something like, “it’s great honey, let’s go” anyway.

And lo and behold, sex feels great for him, but not for you.

After doing this for long enough, you feel stuck. It’s hard to tell him, “everything we’ve done up until now really hasn’t felt that good”. But you can start the conversation (Here’s a post on how to reset your sex life if you’re in this situation!)

But today, let me give you some encouragement, and then tell you where we’re going from here.

For most couples it takes years to make sex work like clockwork, where you’re both enjoying it, and you both climax.

It isn’t something that most people experience right off the bat. So there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, even in secular studies, the biggest sexual problem that women under 30 have is that they can’t orgasm during intercourse. This problem diminishes as women get older, showing again that it’s not the bombshells on the magazine covers that are having the most fun; it’s older, married couples!

In my studies that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, years 16-20 were the sweet spot for how great sex was, although years 11-15 weren’t too bad, either. It honestly does get better.

If I were to have taken that survey at year 4 of marriage, it would have been very different for how I answered at year 16.

So how do things get better? First, men are able to control themselves a little more the longer they’re married. They’re usually not in such a rush. And they genuinely want their wives to experience pleasure. And second, women become not quite so confused or overwhelmed by the whole process, and they find it easier to ask for what they want. They also figure out, eventually, what they want! And both of you get used to each other, don’t tend to take offense as quickly later in marriage, realize that you’re in for the long haul, and so it’s easier to let small things go and just genuinely enjoy each other.

Unfortunately, we don’t tell women this message very much. I think the impression that most people have is that the way sex is at the beginning of the marriage is the way that sex will always be. Instead of seeing sex as a journey, where you’re going to learn how to relate to each other better as the years go by, we think it’s something you either know how to do or you don’t. And so when things don’t work, we think we’re doomed. We think of sex more like a sprint than a marathon. It’s something you should be able to get to and master right away; we don’t realize it’s really quite a long process.

And we start to believe that sex was made for men, and not for women. We often give up. And we start the whole process of trying to avoid sex or turning our husbands off (did you see that funny video?).

Instead, just believe me when I say this: it does get better. If you haven’t figured out how to get it to work great yet, don’t worry about it. Really. It will not always be this way. Just keep having a good attitude about it, and things will fall into place. And it is not just Christians who have problems in this area, either. In fact, Christians have fewer problems than other people. It’s not like everyone else is having a great time except for you. Most people, at the beginning of a relationship, have trouble getting everything to work well. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that it CAN’T work well, or that you can’t do anything about it. It’s just that what you’re experiencing is normal.

It can get better.

You were created for pleasure, even if you don’t feel very much right now.

Your body is not dead; you can learn how to feel great!

It takes time for most people; you are not a freak, or abnormal, or frigid.

So relax! And take heart.

Even just this last week, I received an email from a woman who said:

“I worked through your 31 Days to Great Sex, and for the first time in our 9-year marriage I had an orgasm! I’m crying as I type this.”

And hers is just one of dozens like that which I’ve received. It is possible.

So as we talk this week about how to make sex feel better, just remember that it’s okay if it’s not great right off the bat. It’s okay if you’re still struggling to feel aroused. You’re on a journey; and the more that you realize that things aren’t necessarily going to stay this way, the easier it will be to move forward!

But I also don’t mean t make it sound like it’s going to take years and years either. For many couples it does, but I think that’s because we’re so nervous, we don’t communicate well, and we also don’t understand that sex has a learning curve.

What do you think? Why does it often take longer for sex to feel great for women in marriage? What can we do to speed that up? Let’s talk in the comments!

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/sex-gets-better-with-time/feed/19https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/sex-gets-better-with-time/5 Things To Do if Your Husband Has Bad Breathhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/tspaWtlB1xA/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/5-things-to-do-if-your-husband-has-bad-breath/#commentsThu, 15 Feb 2018 13:33:20 +0000https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=36680What do you do if your husband has bad breath? Like seriously bad breath? I&#8217;m one of those people who breathes through my mouth, so I often have a really bad taste there. I think I brush my teeth like 7 times a day (which likely isn&#8217;t good for the enamel). But what if your [&#8230;]What do you do if your husband has bad breath?

Like seriously bad breath?

I’m one of those people who breathes through my mouth, so I often have a really bad taste there. I think I brush my teeth like 7 times a day (which likely isn’t good for the enamel). But what if your husband just doesn’t know about his bad breath–or doesn’t seem to care?

Recently Wesley Oaks from imanscape.com, a website about men’s grooming, came to me and asked if he could write a guest post. I suggested he tackle hygiene, because it’s a question I get from a lot of women! And this week, since we’re talking about how to practically improve your sex life, I thought it was a good time to address it, since no one wants a husband breathing heavily right near your face when you’re making love–if his breath also stinks. It’s kind of basic.

So, Wesley, what do we do?

Is your husband’s bad breath bothering you but you’re not sure how to handle it?

This can be a very sensitive topic because no one wants to find out their hygiene is affecting someone else. Don’t let bad breath get in the way of your intimacy and close interactions with your other half.

We’ve put together this article to help you conquer this issue with confidence. It’s not something you can ignore and being able to deal with these types of issues together in your marriage is an important part of being able to grow together as a couple.

What Causes Chronic Bad Breath?

Before we can give you some options for handling bad breath it’s important to understand the different between chronic bad breath and normal bad breath. Chronic bad breath is typically much more potent and stronger smelling than your average bad breath, and it stems from other issues.

That’s right… good oral hygiene isn’t enough to deal with this type of foul smell. The most common cause are other sicknesses with the throat or mouth. If your husband has had bronchitis for example chronic bad breath can accompany it. The unpleasant smell is a side effect of the bacteria that caused him to be sick.

Lucky for you, chronic bad breath usually goes away on its own. After your husband feels better you should expect things to return to normal in about a week.

If the bad breath doesn’t go away or it didn’t stem from a recent illness there may be other things at play. So here are 5 tips that can help you and your husband tackle the issue together.

5 Tips for Spouses with Bad Breath

Bad breath can be a sensitive subject to discuss in a marriage or any relationship. You love your husband and you don’t want to hurt his feelings or for some the topic can just be a little embarrassing in general.

What’s important to remember is you need to be able to talk with the person you’ve married about anything. Especially about something that can affect you to being together or getting intimate. So, bring up the subject gently but with confidence and above all be supportive and helpful.

1. Reanalyze Your Routine

Routines can become monotonous and we begin to not give any thought to what we are doing because we’ve done it so many times before. Spark a conversation on your morning and night bathroom routine and let it lead to talking about oral hygiene.

These daily activities we repeat can often reach a point where we’re not doing as good of a job because we’re not thinking about it. Ask a question like “do you count while you brush your teeth?”, because you’ve read you should be brushing each side for so many seconds before swapping sides.

Planting these small seeds in your spouse’s mind will get them thinking and they will likely improve their routine based on your conversations.

2. Review Sleeping Patterns

A big contributing factor to bad breath is dry mouth. When our mouth is dry and we’re not producing enough saliva, it makes for a better environment for bacteria. Is your partner snoring through the night, hang their mouth open, or possibly developed sleep apnea?

These night time issues can lead to bad breath more frequently. There are products available to help solve these issues you may want to consider. If you notice, there’s trouble breathing at night and that’s why your spouse is snoring or breathing through the mouth you should seek a professional medical opinion.

3. Don’t Forget the Tongue

If brushing your teeth 3 times a day isn’t solving your bad breath issue it could be the tongue. Does your spouses tongue have a white streak on it? If so it needs more attention during the hygiene routine.

Purchase tongue scrapers and use them religiously. They’re terrific for having better breath. A lot of people don’t realize their tongue could be the culprit, but it often is. Tongue scrapers are quick and easy to use so you can use it after any meal or snack.

Go out and buy yourself and your spouse one. This way you’re not just buying one for them which could be taken the wrong way. They’re very handy oral hygiene tools to keep around always.

4. Carry More Breath Fresheners

A temporary solution can be carrying around more chewing gum and breath mints. Sometimes we may be in a rush and can’t brush during our work lunch hour or maybe we wake up late for work. Whatever your reason is you can always carry these helpful items with you.

I personally know a couple who keep breath mints in their nightstand. They believe in starting every morning by holding each other in bed a couple minutes before beginning their daily routine. They both take the mints when they wake up and then they cuddle. They both contribute this routine to strengthening their marriage.

5. Be Open and Honest

Being open and honest and telling someone they have a bad breath issue may be one of the hardest things to do. It’s not like you’re recommending ways your husband can grow a beard or talking to your teenage son about his first electric shaver. You’re talking about someone’s personal hygiene.

It may or may not be something within their control but either way you should bring it up. You’re doing them a favor by addressing the issue and helping them resolve it. It’s the equivalent of having food in your teeth all day and no one told you except with bad breath.

So just get the discussion going and your thoughts out in the open.

Primarily it’s important to know your spouse and how to approach them with these issues. The handsome groom you married and yourself will both go through many changes as you grow as a person with each passing year. One key to making it last is falling in love over and over again as you both grow together.

Wesley is the owner of iManscape.com a website about hygiene, beards, and men. If you would like to see more articles like this from iManscape visit their website or follow them on Facebook.

Have you ever gone through something like this? How do you address a husband’s hygiene issues? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/5-things-to-do-if-your-husband-has-bad-breath/feed/7https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/5-things-to-do-if-your-husband-has-bad-breath/How Do I Find Safe Information for Sex Tips?http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/5qoE61FWp6Y/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/christian-friendly-sex-tips/#commentsWed, 14 Feb 2018 13:32:13 +0000https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=36626So here&#8217;s the situation: You want to find some great sex tips to make sex awesome, but you&#8217;re scared to Google it because, well&#8230; Yeah. That&#8217;s dangerous. So, as a married person who just wants a good sex life, what do you do? All week this Valentine&#8217;s Day we&#8217;re talking about how to improve your [&#8230;]So here’s the situation: You want to find some great sex tips to make sex awesome, but you’re scared to Google it because, well…

Yeah.

That’s dangerous.

So, as a married person who just wants a good sex life, what do you do?

All week this Valentine’s Day we’re talking about how to improve your sex life, and today, for Wifey Wednesday, which ALSO just happens to be Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d tackle this question!

It’s something I get asked about a lot. Where do I find safe information about new sex positions? Or about how to make things feel better? Basically you want Christian friendly sex tips–or sex tips that aren’t gross.

There Aren’t a Whole Lot of Sex Tips That Are Truly New

Whenever you look at magazine covers, it’s all about “new” things. 10 “new” things to try in bed. 10 “new” ways to drive her wild. Speaking as a physician, people have been doing this for an awfully long time. And trust me, there is nothing new.

Of course we all can spice things up, but it’s not like there’s something magical that has just been invented. No, the truth is that our bodies go together in only so many ways, and there are only so many things you can do. So if you want to change things up, it simply involves changing a few things! There are many, many different permutations and combinations, but I guess the point I’m making is that with a little bit of imagination and exploration, you really can figure it out yourself for the most part.

So why do people need sex tips? Because we’re not sure where to start, and it can be awkward to just explore or suggest you change things up. When we have a checklist in front of us, it’s easier.

But I think it’s also healthier to change things yourself! You get better at communicating (which is, in fact, key to a woman’s orgasm!). You get more comfortable with your body and with the idea that we’re sexual beings. And you just have more fun!

So let’s look at how we can start changing things up.

Change Up the Things You Can to Make Sex into a New Experience

Change the position

There are only three basic sexual positions: front facing with him on top; front facing with her on top; or “spooning” or him being behind her. Every other position tends to be a variation on these three.

For instance, you can do them all lying down, kneeling, sitting, or even standing (though that’s not advised necessarily! That’s one of the biggest causes of penile fractures, and yes, that’s a thing! Yikes!)

If you want to do something yourself, though, here’s what I’d suggest: pick a position and then just move around. What happens if she lies down but he doesn’t? Or if he stands but she doesn’t? Or if her legs (or his legs) are in a different position? Even set a timer for two minutes and change position every two minutes.

Seriously, have fun just figuring this out!

What else can you change to improve sex?

Is Your Problem More About Libido than with Technique?

Is the main problem in your sex life that she just doesn’t want sex enough? Is sex find when you have it–but you just don’t have it very often?

That’s probably the most common sex problem married people face! And that’s why I created my Boost Your Libido course.

It’s a 10-module course that takes you through all the aspects of a woman’s libido, and shows you how to take control, so that you can get to the point where you’re actually wanting sex again.

Vary the Timing

You can do things very quickly or very fast. You can draw things out–like get very excited for a few minutes, and then cool down, to prolong everything. You can have a quickie, or make sure something lasts an hour (by having cooling down periods periodically).

Again, a timer can be your friend here. If you set the timer for between 2-5 minutes and then cool down after time’s up, you can often make the whole encounter last a long time.

Change the way you touch each other

As we get more aroused, we tend to enjoy being touched in different ways and in different places. For instance, many women especially actually prefer things far more gentle during foreplay than they do right before climax. But if you were to apply the pressure she likes before climax to get her aroused, it may backfire because it would be too much.

Also, you can touch each other during intercourse in some ways, too. Remember that for women, it is usually the clitoris that gives the most sexual pleasure, so anything you can do both before intercourse and during intercourse to stimulate that part of her body will likely feel good.

I’ve found that the easiest way to learn how to touch someone is to have them lie perfectly still, while you just explore for five minutes. You can even play the “which feels better? This or this?” game!

Involve Other Senses

One of the things that heightens sexual pleasure is drawing things out. And one of the ways to do this is to add other senses!

Sight

Keep the lights on! Wear some pretty lingerie. Or even tease each other a bit by slowly taking your clothes off, revealing things bit by bit, or whatever works for you!

Sound

Keep some music on so that you begin to associate certain songs with feeling really good (that can be fun when the song randomly comes on when you’re in the car!).

Or talk to each other more while you’re making love. Tell each other some of your best memories, or tell them what really feels good. Tell each other exactly what you want them to do right now. That doesn’t have to be gross or dirty, either! You’re married. Talking about what you’re doing is totally okay, and often adds some extra closeness because it’s so rare that we say these things out loud.

Taste

Chocolate sauce can be fun. Enough said.

Feel

Use different sensations! Different temperatures can be fun, like ice or even those soy massage candles (that melt and then you use them to massage each other). And teasing each other with something like a feather can be wonderful, too.

Smell

Play the perfume game! Spritz yourself with perfumes in key areas and challenge him to find them. Or always wear a certain cologne or perfume to bed.

Let your spouse teach you how to make sex feel great!

During my Q&A at one of my Girl Talks (the event I bring to churches about marriage & sex), one of the questions was once, “How exactly do you perform oral sex on him?” (It was asked a little more graphically, but we’ll leave it at that.)

And that’s a good principle for any of these things. If there’s something that’s going to make one of you feel really good, then learn how to become a good teacher and a good pupil. Don’t take someone teaching you as an insult, or as them saying, “You’re not doing it well.” Take it as, “this is going to be so fun because I’m going to become a super great lover!” That’s exciting!

Absolutely! And using a resource can be fun because it’s the RESOURCE that is telling you to try something new in bed, not you. So it makes that conversation a little bit easier. And I’ll list a few.

31 Days to Great Sex. Want some dares where you’ll try new positions, figure out what feels best, make foreplay last longer? At the same time, want to deal with sexual baggage, learn to flirt more, and feel closer? Take the challenge!

Deck of Dares. I sell this one in my store, too! Designed by therapist Dr. Jennifer Degler, it offers dozens of dares for couples to try to make their life steamier, without anything that would go against your morals or boundaries.

The Ultimate Intimacy App. So much fun! I talked about this one on Monday. It’s a great way to get more familiar with your bodies, try some dares, and learn all kinds of new positions.

Sock Monkey Kama Sutra. Okay, if you want to try some new positions, but don’t want a book filled with X-rated pictures, how about a book filled with hilarious sock monkeys? At least you can laugh at it! (And they do have a lot of positions).

One last thought: We often think we need new sex tips because we’re afraid to talk about things.

The biggest reason we want to google things or find new sex tips is because we know that what we’re doing is kinda boring. Or it’s not feeling the best. Or we’d like to figure out how to try something specific, but we don’t know how to ask.

And it’s that last part that’s the biggest issue:

We don’t know how to start that conversation that we’d like more.

And so instead we spend our time researching all new sex tips, but not doing anything about it.

If you want great sex, you have to learn to talk to your spouse about it.

Many of those resources I listed will help. But the underlying problem when sex isn’t great is often the same problem that makes it difficult to talk about: you’re embarrassed, you’re scared, or your spouse seems nervous, and there doesn’t seem to be a safe way to bring up the conversation.

Sex is never going to get better until you learn to actually talk about it! So try a few things, like having a “his” night and having a “her” night where it’s more natural to express what you want. Get a resource that will help. But most of all, express what you want. Push through on those conversations. They’re really worth having!

And everyone–Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you have a wonderful day with your spouse.

Did you know that subscribers to my blog get access to more information?

I send out weekly and monthly emails, with extra information! Plus, when you first sign up, you’ll get a series of emails with all my best posts about how to make sex great.

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!

.

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/christian-friendly-sex-tips/feed/2https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/christian-friendly-sex-tips/Top 10 Ways Husbands Can Improve Their Sex Liveshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/g3UM1s32zIs/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/how-husbands-can-improve-sex/#commentsTue, 13 Feb 2018 13:30:00 +0000https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=35877Just in time for Valentine&#8217;s Day&#8211;here&#8217;s a post on 10 ways MEN can improve their sex lives. Last year I wrote a post on 10 ways women can make sex amazing for their husbands&#8211;and this Valentine&#8217;s Day I thought I&#8217;d do the opposite. And one of my awesome male readers offered to write it! So [&#8230;]Just in time for Valentine’s Day–here’s a post on 10 ways MEN can improve their sex lives.

Okay, so you and I both know why we’re here, right? Because Sheila likes to talk about sex. And what guy isn’t interested? And she gives tips for making things better…. aaaaand it’s not always perfect in paradise, right?

But she’s a woman’s voice, talking mostly to other women. So I thought I’d come and, guy to guy, talk about the nitty gritty with you. Some of what I’m going to say you’ve heard before, including from Sheila. But maybe a guy’s voice can persuade you that this stuff is in your own best interest. And maybe you’ll find something new. Who knows?

Before we get started, though, I want to make clear: this is about more-or-less functioning marriages that might have hit a dry patch. I really don’t have anything to say about completely dysfunctional relationships where someone’s been withholding sex for long periods of time. You’re not going to get those answers in a blog post, and there’s no point in starting a comment war about extreme cases. But even in those cases, the first few ideas couldn’t hurt….

One last thing: this list isn’t going to start out seeming very sexy. Don’t worry, we’ll get there. I know you want a big finish.

1. Talk with your wife

I’m not talking about in the bedroom, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just talking about normal, everyday, general conversation. Notice I said talk with her, not talk to her. This is about listening as much as talking. The main thing we guys need to get between our ears is that for our wives, sex is relational. The more you build up the relationship, the more open she’s going to feel toward sex. And relationships are built up when people feel heard and when they feel shared with. It’s doubtful that many bickering couples or silent couples are creating many fireworks in the bedroom.

2. Share the Load

The usual way this is phrased is “Help with the housework.” But that suggests that maintaining the home is the wife’s responsibility, and anything her husband does is a bonus. That’s the wrong attitude: this home is yours together, and together you need to make it work. Now, that’s going to look different for different couples: if a husband is working two jobs and his wife stays at home, it’s a little unfair to expect him to come home and do half of the housework. On the other hand, if you both work but every night you plop down in front of the TV while your wife takes care of all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, you’re just flat-out being selfish. Or maybe not selfish enough: I mean, if she’s worn out from everything she’s been doing all day, she’s not going to have much energy for you at the end of it, right? KnowwhutImean?

(For you ladies—yes, I know you’re listening in—can I give you a couple tips on this? #1: If your husband is trying to do stuff around the house, try not to micromanage how he does it. Think about how you would respond if your mother-in-law were critiquing your housekeeping in the same way you critique your husband’s. #2: If your husband deals with repairs and heavy lifting, give him credit for that. Splitting the everyday chores down the middle isn’t quite fair if your husband has solo responsibility for fixing the dishwasher and changing the oil in the car and mowing the lawn. Of course, if that gets balanced off by you nursing and changing the baby and stuff like that, that’s also a different story.)

3. Touch outside the bedroom

I’m talking about non-sexual touching here: a hand on the shoulder or elbow, squeezing her hand. Just like talking, touching is a powerful relationship-builder. It silently tells your wife, “I appreciate your presence here, now, in this moment.” I am not talking about grabbing your wife’s boobs or butt out of nowhere—that is not sexy to most women. Write on a chalkboard a hundred times if you have to: “I will not run the bases backwards.” But gentle, non-sexual touching at random times during the day, when you’re not looking for sex (this is key) can pay off handsomely in the bedroom.

The real issue here is crucial, and if you get nothing out of the rest of this list, get this: the main obstacle getting in the way of your wife’s responsiveness to you is her not knowing whether you want her or whether you just want it.If she feels that you are just using her to get it, that’s going to shut her down. That’s why you need to touch her when you’re not looking for sex. If she feels that the only time you ever hold her hand is when you want to get busy in 15 minutes, that defeats the whole purpose. The more she feels you value her and want her, the more open she will be to physical intimacy. And that’s a win for both of you.

4. Warm up before the game

Yes, I’m going to talk about foreplay. The way this is usually approached is to tell guys, “Look, your wife just takes longer to get warmed up than you do. You need to give her some time and take things slow, no matter how badly you want to get to business.” This makes it all about denying yourself in order to please your wife. Let’s look at in another way. I want to let you know what’s in it for you.

To be plain, foreplay isn’t just good for your wife. Foreplay is good for you too. For two reasons: #1: The more aroused your wife gets, the more uninhibited and adventurous she’s going to be willing to be. You might not understand why she’s not as quick to jump into gear as you are, but in the moment, the best way to get her there is through foreplay. #2: You’ve probably figured out that even for you, not all orgasms are created equal. Don’t you find that when you have to wait and get teased for a while, the actual orgasm is more powerful? Doesn’t it, in the long run, make it better, even for you?

5. Remember that sex is a team sport

You and your wife are on the same team. So the object is to get a win for the team, not just for you as an individual player. When you were a kid, did you ever play ball with a ballhog, a bigger kid who wanted to make every play and every score himself? Was that any fun for you? So if you make sex all about yourself, you can’t be too surprised when your wife isn’t too enthusiastic about it.

Now, it’s entirely possible that you never thought about it that way before. You may not have meant to be selfish. You just did what came natural, you figured she was doing what came natural, and it all seemed great to you, and you had no idea why she wasn’t as crazy about it as you were. Well, now it’s time to think about it. If you orient your thinking around trying to please your wife, you’ll find that she will most likely be more enthusiastic about pleasing you. Everybody wins. More than likely, everybody wins better, and more often. Just sayin’.

6. The more she enjoys it, the less inhibited she will be

There’s a lot of overlap between this point and the last one, but the central idea bears reinforcement. Men often want two incompatible things: we want to focus on our own pleasure, and we want our wives to be wildly enthusiastic and uninhibited.

How’s that working out for ya?

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, right? So take a night and decide it’s going to be all about her. Make a point of doing what she likes. Find out what she likes—ask her. (And ladies: if he asks, please tell him! I know you feel weird about it. But seriously—this “If he really loved me, he would just know” stuff really doesn’t work.) And that’s going to lead into….

7. Ladies first

Okay, I know all the romance novels and, er, other media (ahem!) celebrate the joys of the rapturous simultaneous orgasm. Supposedly, if you hold back enough and do it just right, you’ll both reach The Big O at exactly the same time and you’ll see fireworks over a princess castle.

But we live in the real world. Simultaneous orgasms are a rare, happy accident. But they’re not the norm. And the deal is that if you are first, that’s pretty much it for her. It can leave her feeling frustrated, and probably wondering what is wrong with her that she can’t get there. (And shame on you if you reinforce that message.) So it’s not so surprising that she isn’t as excited about repeating the experience as you are.

On the other hand, if you stimulate her (yes, we’re talking foreplay again) and let her reach her climax first, she doesn’t have the same need to cool down that you do. As a matter of fact, she might lose her inhibitions and really be into you at that point. Don’t ask me how I know this. I just do.

8. Enjoy the postgame celebration

One of the least cool things you can do after sex is to roll over and start to snore. It’s like the MVP of the big game walking off the field and not celebrating with his teammates. You need to have respect for the people (or person) who got you there.

Remember I said that the biggest obstacle for your wife is not knowing whether you want her or it? One of the biggest ways you can telegraph that you just want it is to ignore her afterward. Now, once again, you may never have thought of it this way. You probably didn’t intend to be selfish. You might have thought that you both had a great time and now it’s time for sleep. Well, it’s time to wake up to the fact that your wife probably sees it differently.

During the cool-down phase it’s great to say the I love yous, kiss, snuggle. Make her feel special. That’s a feeling that she’s going to want to come back for. And this is kind of the goal, right?

9. Ditch the porn

Okay, so you’ve read what Sheila has to say about porn, you know it’s wrong. Let me try talking to you from a different angle. Porn ruins sex for you.

Basically, porn sets up a bunch of expectations that are hopelessly unrealistic and selfish. It makes you dissatisfied with the reality that God gave you and makes you demand endless youth and variety, makes you hunger for things you wouldn’t even have thought of if porn hadn’t planted them in your mind. It makes you think that women are rapturously excited about things that they actually find disgusting and degrading (and you thought they couldn’t act). And it focuses on nothing but the physical. It can’t portray (and doesn’t want to) the wonderful emotional and spiritual union that God intended sex to be within marriage.

If what you’ve seen in porn is what you’re trying to get out of your marriage bed, you’re doomed to a lifetime of disappointment, frustration, and misdirected anger at a wife who should never have had to act like a prostitute for you in the first place. And you’ll completely miss out on the deeper, richer, much more satisfying passion that your marriage could have had.

10. Stop making her the villain in your sex life

Final point, guys. If you’re struggling with frustration in the bedroom, it’s probable that you’re blaming your wife for all of it. Here’s the thing: blame and resentment are not going to fix your problem. They may give you a feeling of vindication, like the weird pleasure you get from picking at a sore, but they’re actually creating a wedge that makes your wife less responsive.

It’s not really that profound: people do what makes them feel happy and valued and secure. They avoid what makes them feel frustrated and demeaned and unconfident. If your words and actions are making her feel like she’s responsible for your sexual fulfillment and she’s not measuring up, she’s going to retreat from the situation. If your words and actions tell her that she’s precious to you and that you want to contribute to her sexual fulfillment, she’s going to embrace the situation. And I think we’re all looking for a little more embracing.

Bottom line, guys: if you want it, then you need to decide that you want her. If you can’t say honestly that you want your wife as a person, then you need to take that to God. Because anything else is just selfishness. And the truth is that selfishness actually gets you less, not more, of what you’re looking for in the first place.

But if you get to the place that you want her, and she knows that, and your words and actions demonstrate it, then you’ll find that you’re getting a lot more than it. You’re getting a lifetime of love and satisfaction and partnership and friendship that finds its expression in emotional and spiritual and, yes, physical ways. That’s what God wants us married couples to have. Don’t settle for anything less.

Keith Edwin Schooley has been a pastor, counselor, and teacher, a husband of 26 years to his wonderful wife Cecile, and a father to six children and stepchildren. He hosts a website, The Schooley Files, where he writes on various topics concerning Christian life and thought. His book, Marriage, Family, and the Image of God, is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online booksellers.

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/how-husbands-can-improve-sex/feed/53https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/how-husbands-can-improve-sex/The Most Amazing App to Rev Up Your Sex Life!http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/UdA9CzTH5i0/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/ultimate-intimacy-app/#commentsMon, 12 Feb 2018 13:22:57 +0000http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=37065This post is sponsored by The Ultimate Intimacy App, but all opinions are my own. Over the years I&#8217;ve thought about creating an app to help couples with their sex lives, because so many websites or other products are kind of, well, gross. But now I don&#8217;t have to, because The Ultimate Intimacy App is [&#8230;]This post is sponsored by The Ultimate Intimacy App, but all opinions are my own.

Over the years I’ve thought about creating an app to help couples with their sex lives, because so many websites or other products are kind of, well, gross.

But now I don’t have to, because The Ultimate Intimacy App is totally the product I would have created–if I had made one. And I’m not even exaggerating. It provides games to help couples have amazing foreplay, ideas for new things to try, and tons of information on technique, all without using offensive language or graphic pictures. And the focus is totally on married couples, so it really is perfect!

Since this is Valentine’s week, I wanted to focus all week on how to improve our sex lives, and I’ve got some great posts coming! But for today, to start off the week and to get your Valentine’s Day going in the right direction, let’s start with The Ultimate Intimacy App!

It’s available in a free version, but I upgraded for $6.99, which gives access to all of the options. And I’ll be talking about the paid version here. (You start with the free version and then there’s an in-app purchase option to upgrade).

The app has so much, so let’s just take it step by step through all it offers!

Here’s where the fun really starts! The couples game has activities which the app instructs you to do, organized around 4 categories:

Romance

Foreplay

Heavy Foreplay (available in paid version only)

Hot & Heavy (intercourse; available in paid version only)

You enter your names, so that the app addresses you when giving specific instructions. It alternates between something he does and something she does. And each activity runs for 2 minutes (default setting), although you can make them go from 1-5 minutes. When the two minutes is up, you move on to the next thing! The app has a ton of activities in each category, and each time you play you get different ones. (You can even set it to speak the activities out loud, so you don’t have to keep checking the phone.)

It really does start off nicely, with just encouraging you to cuddle, talk, and get close (the big number is 120 seconds counting down):

and then does get progressively “hot”, including lots of different positions or things to do. We start with gradual foreplay:

And then we get progressively hotter.

(I won’t show a screen shot of the “Hot & Heavy” category just because I don’t want this to get too X-rated).

It DOESN’T do anything like telling you to role play, humiliate each other, degrade each other, or use sex toys on each other. It really is just about exploring each other’s bodies and trying out new positions, angles, or things in different combinations. It’s the first and only clean, Christian-friendly (and not lame!) bedroom game app out there.

So I can endorse this one 100%!

The activities are fully customizable, too.

Is there something you’re not comfortable with?

You can turn off the option for oral sex, or, if there are suggestions for foreplay that you’re not interested in, you can also reject them.

Have things you really do like?

Give them a thumbs up to see them more often–or even enter your own activities! You can truly make this your own.

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: Resources

Next up is the resources section! (there’s a ton here; I can’t show it all in one screenshot).

Don’t totally understand the female or male anatomy? Need some help with technique, either with intercourse, orgasm, or oral sex? What about with how to touch each other or with foreplay? They have tons of explanations of what tends to work best, using anatomically correct terms, medical drawings (when appropriate), and easy-to-understand language. Nothing’s gross.

And they also have resources to help you feel closer, too, including tons of different romantic date night ideas, ways to initiate, ways to show love, and more!

Not just that, but they’ve got sexy coupons you can send each other (these are about to be launched), and even a sexy bucket list that you can create together (we’re actually doing this! If that’s not TMI). And they even have some “romantic escapes” where they play the sounds of a beach, a mountain brook, a rainforest–and more.

Not to mention the 68 sexy dares that are super fun.

The Resources section is a smorgasbord of super fun things.

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: Conversation Starters

Intimacy isn’t all about sex! It’s also about feeling closer. And the app has a ton of conversation starters in 5 different categories: Romance, Intimacy, Family, Finances, and Miscellaneous. And new questions are added all the time.

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: The Positions Library

This is one of the most fun parts of the app! Over 200 sex positions in different categories:

Wife on Top

Husband on Top

Rear Entry

Side by Side

Seated

Standing

Kneeling

(Then there are two for oral sex as well, but I just don’t want to type out those words because I’ll get caught in filters.)

They’re all tastefully drawn, and when you pick one, it gives instructions on how to make it work great!

You can mark your favourites (I am NOT showing you which ones I marked!). Then when you want to pick a new position, you have four options:

Randomize and let the app pick

Browse your favourites

Browse a particular category

Do an advanced search

With the advanced search, you can specify aspects you’d like, such as maximum clitoral stimulation, a great view, or help with special issues, such as pregnancy, sex when you’re plus sized, or help for well-endowed or less well-endowed men. (Seriously, I get a lot of questions for help with this, and here’s some great advice on positions that work!). And just so you know, the “props” section is not about whips or anything weird. It’s just about whether you need a chair or a table or something that makes a particular position possible or easier.

I seriously can’t say enough good things about this app. It truly is everything that I would have put into an app that I were creating, and it looks like they’re planning on adding so much more in the months to come (like sexy coupons to send to your spouse!).

Writing about sex can be difficult because sex is so much more than the physical side, but the physical side is incredibly important. That’s one of the things that I’ve found the Ultimate Intimacy App does really well–it emphasizes connection between husbands and wives. It’s more than “just sex”, it’s intimacy–being emotionally, spiritually, and physically close–that awakens those deep feelings of attachment and love for each other.

So I heartily endorse this if you want to explore each other more and just have more fun. It’s great for Valentine’s Day. And seriously, it’s only $7 right now. That’s awfully inexpensive for something that he will love!

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/ultimate-intimacy-app/feed/12https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/ultimate-intimacy-app/Sometimes I Forget What My Husband Needs from Mehttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/1FADujMPeeQ/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/erin-smalley-book-review/#commentsFri, 09 Feb 2018 13:40:00 +0000http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=37044With thanks to Thomas Nelson, publishers of Erin Smalley&#8217;s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, for sponsoring this post. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own disappointment or frustration that I forget what Keith needs from me. And a lot of that is because we simply approach life differently. [&#8230;]With thanks to Thomas Nelson, publishers of Erin Smalley’s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, for sponsoring this post.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own disappointment or frustration that I forget what Keith needs from me.

And a lot of that is because we simply approach life differently.

I was recently sent a copy of Erin Smalley’s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, and as I was perusing through it, one part stood out to me and I asked if I could share that part today. We’ve been talking all week about misperceptions that women have about sex, but sometimes we just plain have misperceptions about marriage in general because we approach life differently. And if we’re not aware of those differences, we can build up walls of disappointment between us.

Here’s Erin with a great marriage thought to contemplate this weekend, right before Valentine’s Day:

Isn’t it surprising when you look at your husband after years of togetherness and realize how different he is from you? Maybe you were charmed by these differences from the beginning, or maybe now that he has relaxed into the relationship, he feels comfortable being authentic around you. Either way, at some point, most couples come to a point at which they realize they have different methods for handling normal, everyday moments. And those moments can add up to wondering: How in the world can I connect deeply with my husband when we can’t even agree on the small things?

From the time we said “I do” 25 years ago, Greg and I have been constantly confronted with our differences. Over the years, I’ve let myself become bothered and annoyed by issues that weren’t, in the end, all that important. Generally, my negative reactions had more to do with my own heart than with Greg’s actions or inactions. I didn’t really care about the counters being wiped down; I cared about feeling taken advantage of or disregarded. Once I was able to share the deeper-level feelings, the actual issue seemed less important.

Although you may not have personally experienced these specific frustrations, I would guess you have similar experiences. Here are a few situations in which I’ve learned that I can start by asking myself where my husband might be coming from—not to excuse poor behavior, but to allow my heart to express more grace in navigating our differences.

He Doesn’t Help Around the House

Greg went years without making our bed in the morning. As a matter of fact, he thought it was crazy to make the bed. Still, faithfully, I did it every morning. And honestly, I had no bitterness over this whatsoever. Actually, as I made the bed, I often thought about how blessed I was to have a husband sleeping next to me every night. I looked at it as one task I did for our team.

Until the day came that I had a cast on my leg. I was pathetically flopping my large, heavy new appendage all over the place, ferociously struggling to make the bed, when Greg walked in on me. I immediately saw it in his eyes that he finally got it. He asked me, “Is this really this important to you?”

He knew the answer before I could answer. “Yes,” I replied, “It really is.” From that day forward, he has made the bed every single day. And when he is out of town, I find myself praying for him and thanking God for my husband while I make the bed.

He Always Tries to Fix Me

Men communicate to achieve something, fix a problem, or give advice. Their goal is to take action. Women communicate to connect relationally, sharing feelings and needs. Their goal is to form a deep connection. As you can see, we have very different goals in our communication and connection styles. I gained a lot of insight the day I realized that when Greg tries to fix something for me, what he is really saying is, “I love you, and I care enough about you to fix the problems.” Whether it is offering advice or filling my car with gas, from his perspective, his actions are saying, “I love you and value you enough to spend my time doing this for you.” However, as most of us have learned, men are not mind readers. Your husband doesn’t have a clue what you truly need unless you tell him.

He Wants to Have Sex All the Time—Even After We Fight

Did the Lord make us different sexually or what? Men are more easily excited sexually, and sexual intimacy is one of the key ways they feel more connected. After a fight, when he is feeling distance from you, your husband’s desire for sex may be his attempt to reestablish a connection. (Remember, he can compartmentalize and keep your fight separate from what happens in the bedroom.) For a woman who connects emotionally and then warms slowly into a desire for sexual intimacy, her husband’s on/off switch can be difficult to understand.

He Doesn’t Connect with Me at the End of the Day

When your husband comes home from work, does he head straight for his favorite chair instead of catching up with you or playing with the kids? It’s not uncommon behavior. When men are stressed from a long day at work, they tend to isolate and disconnect. This can also be a personality issue if you are married to an introvert. You might try a gentle talk about what you desire—and don’t do this when you’re steaming mad! Acknowledge that he is made differently and that his body responds differently to stress, but also tell him that you would like to work together to come up with a plan that gives him the time he needs to decompress, but also gives you time to connect at the end of the day.

How do differences create conflict in your marriage? Communicating with each other year after year is the key to understanding what works and what doesn’t and to keep growing as couples and as individuals. Rather than judging and giving into frustration, it’s important for both you and your husband to hear that your differences are valued—that you are valued. When you give thanks for the things that make your husband unique, you just might be surprised by how your small frustrations can turn into appreciation and make you fall in love with him all over again.

What was a huge personality difference or habit that you and your spouse had to learn to live with? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!

]]>https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/erin-smalley-book-review/feed/11https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/erin-smalley-book-review/5 Thoughts That Changed the Way I Approached Sexhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ToLoveHonorAndVacuum/~3/kBnENn8jrUs/
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/02/5-thoughts-that-changed-the-way-i-approached-sex/#commentsThu, 08 Feb 2018 12:46:06 +0000https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/?p=36034Have you struggled to actually want sex? We&#8217;re challenging some misconceptions people have about sex this week, and we&#8217;re tackling a big one today. What do you do when your husband wants sex all the time, but you just don&#8217;t? We&#8217;ve got Jenny, a South African blogger from My Autumn Reflections, here today to share [&#8230;]Have you struggled to actually want sex?

We’re challenging some misconceptions people have about sex this week, and we’re tackling a big one today. What do you do when your husband wants sex all the time, but you just don’t?

We’ve got Jenny, a South African blogger from My Autumn Reflections, here today to share how sometimes the ruts we get in and the conflict that happens can be because of our misconceptions about what sex should look like in our marriage.

Do you know these 5 truths about sex?

Here’s Jenny!

I’ve been married 27 years and there have definitely been times I didn’t feel like being intimate with my husband.

Too tired. Too worn out by life. Just plain didn’t feel like it. I didn’t even need a headache as an excuse – I just wasn’t interested. And he was.

I’m not talking about an oversexed, pornographic-minded male wanting sex every day. I’m talking about a godly man with God-given desires who was trying his best to provide for his family and meet my emotional needs as best he could.

And I said no. Or avoided sex by pretending to be asleep. Or gave him the message by being unresponsive.

Reject a man sexually often enough and he will shut that part of himself down to avoid the rejection. Only problem is, he’s not only shutting down his desire, he’s shutting down his heart too. He’s shutting down his emotional side to protect himself from you.

Ouch!

We stayed up late many a night trying to resolve our conflict about sex. I didn’t see how my rejection was affecting my husband. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex–I loved it! But on my terms. Only when I was interested. Blinded by my selfishness and lack of compassion, I could only see my own needs. (There were reasons for this – see here for how your past affects your marriage).

Then God used a straight-shooting lady to tell me what a wife’s responsibilities are in marriage – one of them being to provide her husband with good, regular sex. Willingly. Enthusiastically. Because that is how I can bless him and serve him and love him best.

That shook me up and started me on the road to change. Here are five things I realized that changed my thinking about sex:

1. Physical intimacy is a ministry to my husband.

One day as I was praying for God to bless my husband, it struck me – God wants to use me to bless my husband and that means meeting his need for sex. Simple. God has called me to minister to my husband. He is my first priority – before children or anyone else. I must meet his needs before meeting the needs of anyone else.

Sex helps men solve problems and deal with life. By meeting his physical needs I am helping my husband deal with the rest of his life, lessening his stress, and helping him figure out solutions to his problems. Now that’s being a helpmeet!

2. I don’t have to be in the mood beforehand to serve my husband (but it often follows!)

Sometimes saying yes to sex is a choice based on principle, not on feeling. In doing this I learned that it truly is more blessed to give than to receive. I learned to pray, “Lord, I don’t feel like sex, but I’m willing for you to change my feelings. Please give me the right feelings.” God has always answered this prayer and I end up having a good time!

It’s not necessary to be aroused to be an active participant in loving your man. But in that willingness and choosing, arousal usually follows. Choose to stay focused on your husband. Don’t think about your shopping list or what you need to do tomorrow. There is reward in bringing pleasure to someone else. Choose it!

3. Sex is not just physical for a man.

While sex for a man is a lot about physical release that’s not all there is to it for him.

Sex for a man is also emotional. It makes him feel close and connected to his wife. When you say no to sex you are saying that you don’t want to be close to him.

Sometimes the best way to unlock a husband’s emotions is through satisfying his physical need. It helps him to become emotionally open. Want to connect with your husband emotionally? Make love to him.

4. When I reject sex I’m not just saying “No” to sex, I’m saying “No” to the whole person.

Sex is not something you can separate from the man. It is the man. A large part of his identity and self-worth are tied up in his sexuality. Say “No” to sex and you mess with his value as a man. It’s how Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg put it in their book, The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women:

When a wife rejects her husband’s request for sex, it’s not that he feels the attempt failed; he feels that he’s a failure…Even when she says no for a valid reason, rejection to a man spells one thing: rejection. And when rejection happens often enough, he will shut down.

As I turned off the light before my husband came to bed and pretended to be asleep, I thought I was just avoiding sex, but in my husband’s mind I was saying no to him – the whole person.

And that hurt. It made him feel unwanted and unloved.

It took a number of years for me to heal that rejection. For a time I did not allow myself to say no to sex. I initiated sex with him. I had to be willing again and again and again. When I felt like it and when I didn’t.

I learned that I can say no, honestly, gently, and that offering an alternative time gives my husband hope of having his need met – “I’m so tired tonight, can we make love in the morning?” Very often that honest conversation leads to lovemaking anyway. It doesn’t take that long and it’s better to go to sleep feeling loved and connected than to have a rift between us.

5. Sex is not just for men, it’s for women too.

God didn’t only have men in mind when He thought up sex. There must be something in it for women too. If God made it, and He’s a loving God, then sex should be something that excites women too.

The devil has made sure that a lot of us see sex as selfish, grabbing, dirty, repulsive. He’s made sure many of us have been abused and sex is something to be endured or avoided. He’s made sure that the media portrays perfect bodies everywhere making us ashamed of our lumps and bumps, and feeling like we can’t be seen naked.

It’s time to claim sex back from the devil. God made it and He wants us to enjoy it. It’s a gift from Him.

Sex is an opportunity to enjoy physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy with your best friend. It’s a time to enjoy some of the most pleasurable sensations known to man (and woman ).

Avoiding or refusing sex deprived me of pleasure and connection and emotional fulfilment. Not anymore. Now, I love making love with my husband.

Sex must be good if God created it. Are you missing out? Why? Maybe you need to heal from sexual abuse or change your thinking about sex. Claim it back for yourself.

I wish I could go back and change my story. I can’t. But I can do things differently today. I’m claiming sex back.

I hope you will too.

Jenny is a housewife, married to her best friend, mom of 3 grown kids, and lives on a farm in South Africa. She blogs at My Autumn Reflections. She and her husband have a speaking ministry that keeps them in tune with people’s needs and relationship issues.

Do any of these 5 thoughts resonate with your marriage? What’s something you’ve learned that impacted how you think about sex? Let’s talk about it in the comments!