The under-fire Southern Rail train franchise have announced plans to nationalise beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn after a damning report declared him “unfit for purpose”

A spokesman for the company, who have been heavily criticised in recent months for poor service and frequent delays, last night told reporters:

“It’s totally unacceptable to expect Labour voters to put up with the type of shambolic service that Corbyn is offering at the moment. His own party members are in revolt, and the only people who seem to like him are tank-top-wearing, swivel-eyed art students, and women with hairy armpits.

“We, therefore, intend to nationalise him as soon as we have drawn up the legislation, and, hopefully, a more efficient and popular Corbyn will be the result. Because let’s be honest, we couldn’t turn him into a bigger wassock than he already is could we?”

.This groundbreaking move draws a direct parallel with the events of 1968 when British Rail turned the Conservative Minister for Transport, Reginald Maudling, into a one-way system on the outskirts of Birmingham.