It's Monday, October 28th, And I Just Realized I Totally Missed The Tour de France.

Now I wouldn't say Lou and I were best friends exactly, but we were once in the same dog obedience class, and that's the sort of experience that creates an enduring bond between people.

In any case, I find it tremendously inspiring that even one of the foremost architects of underground rock apparently spent his middle age the way so many of us regular schmucks do, i.e. riding around town on his wife's Jamis and getting hornswoggled into going to a dog obedience class.

You can only walk on the wild side for so long.

(And even if you do want to keep walking on the wild side you really can't, since the wild side is now the High Line, and the transsexual prostitutes have been replaced with an Apple store.)

Anyway, hopefully wherever he is now he's feeling just like Jesus's son and the goddamn dogs are doing what the fuck he wants them to for once.

Secondly, I am LOVING this whole autumn thing:

Whoever came up with the idea of inserting a brightly-colored and refreshingly cool spacer season between summer and winter (arguably the suckiest times for bicycle cycling) really knew what they were doing.

By the way, isn't that a pretty view? (Answer: Yes, it's delightful.) Well, what you don't see is that beyond those cliffs rides one of the highest concentrations of Freds and Tridorks in the western world, easily rivaling the crabon-and-Lycra shitshows of the San Francisco Bay Area or wherever else staggering numbers of bike dorks stalk the city's outskirts. I, however, have become increasingly cantankerous and Lou Reed-like as I get older, and so I prefer to avoid them whenever possible by staying on the opposite side of the river and hiding in the forest:

Here, your biggest problem is small groups of people on bouncy bikes who attach cameras to their helments and make videos of themselves riding over the same rock over and over again while bellowing "Woo-hoo!" like frat boys at a kegger. It's not really a big deal though, since they're so distracted by repeatedly falling over the same obstacle that you can just ride right by them.

Eventually though what happens is that you stop to sit down and nibble on some food while enjoying the solitude of the forest, and then off in the distance you hear the sounds of "Woo-hoos!" and breaking branches, which means they've finally tired of their rock and are in search of another, but even this isn't so bad, since they give you plenty of warning and it's easy to escape.

And in the worst case scenario, if they do manage to get close, all you have to do is scamper up a hill, because when they try to follow you what happens is they shift into their granny gears, start spinning frantically, and then just fall over sideways.

As you can see, I am well-versed in the ways of the suburban wilderness.

By the way, even though I ride with a primitive chain and not a state-of-the-art belt, my drivetrain did not get "clogged with dust:"

Wow, it's almost like chains are cheap, durable, and easy to maintain, whereas belt drives are expensive and fucking stupid.

Shockingly though, this bike (which was forwarded to me by a reader) does not have a belt drive:

Meet SteveSteve is a 45 year-old, upper class, male. He is also a prosumer. That means he values products of professional quality. He is an avid cyclist and a businessman: clean-cut, organized, and always on time. He enjoys riding a $4,000 bike on Thursday night rides and weekends, but what he could really use is a dedicated commuter bike.

Seriously? "Prosumer?" This is what we are calling Freds now? Okay, fine. If Fred needs to waste even more money than he already has in order to have a "dedicated commuter bike" he should just buy a Budnitz, right? Nope! Apparently that's not what being a "prosumer" is all about, and what Fred really needs is a trunk, like he has on his Mercedes:

I don't like where this is going.

So a little tracing, a little sawing, and a little wood glue:

And there you have it, a singlespeed Softride with a storage compartment in the front wheel:

Yeah, I don't see what could possibly go wrong with this setup:

Plus, the best part about it is that all you have to do is throw in your dirty clothes, some water, and a little detergent, and you've done your laundry on the way to work:

All this from the mind of David Hotard:

Yeah, that's right.

Hotard.

It's the first and last name in prosumerist Fred-tastic singlespeed aero washing machines--though I would upgrade it with a Climax Frok, as forwarded by another reader:

haha.... hahaha... you suck, man.you scared the hell out of me because in that last vid image you see a circle below the car... then you say chilling, and i assumed there was a bicycle below the car. then... hahahaha... relief... frok relief... hahaha

Q: Can we give a bike a trunk, with no lid, so that your stuff gets covered in road-filth while you're riding, and gets stolen while you're parked? Also can it be completely non-detachable (unlike the rack'n'panniers that were invented like 800 years ago) so that to avoid said theft you must take your items out one by one by one and carry them in a big unwieldy mess of random individual objects, or put them in some sort of bag first (i.e. double-contain them)? And finally, when it comes time for wheel maintenance can it be as complicated a clusterfuck as possible? Can we do that?

Maybe CamelBak can get on board too. An integrated drinking tube through the steerer would allow the prosumer to proslurp up all the rainwater that collects in the doorless trunk. Naturally a dedicated commuter shouldn't have it's clean lines interrupted with a bottle cage.

What goes on in your mind?I think that I am falling down.What goes on in your mind?I think that I am upside down.Let it be good, and do what you should,you know it'll work alright.Let it be good, do what you should, you know it'll be alright.

I recently told the hot red head I was over her, but thankful that she helped me reassess my prioirities in life. She didn't like that very much. REDHEADS BE CRAZY!

I really despise what you wrote me. I can not stop thinking about it. It was just so horrible what you wrote me and manipulative. It is just the cherry on top of all the shit you have given me. I want to show the world how egotistical and disgusting you really are. I hope your true light shines through so that others may glimpse at the reality that exists within you. All you care about is sex and mating and you have no respect for women. You make women feel like meat, mooch, and are verbally manipulative, and then walk around talking about how awesome and successful you are. You are extremely selfish and sociopathic. You want to tell your new girlfriend that men are attracted to younger women and that women better hurry up and find a man? I'm sure that would go over really well. I have met so many men that are nothing like you and actually have respect for women. You pretend like you are so forward thinking and intelligent but really you just spout off random facts about shit that you read somewhere and when someone comments on it, you don't listen and repeat the same point you just made. You are a rich little New York kid who's daddy made it big and you are riding his wave because you have half of his DNA. I have always tried to make some point to myself that perhaps you did respect me and that is why I embarrassed myself by staying with you as long as I did. That will never prove to be true. Once someone spits in your face and kicks you in the back (oh so horribly literally), there is no going back.

I've been feeling insanely motivated and confident about my new business venture. I'm really excited about the future, and am sooo glad I have found an oppurtunity to do what I am passionate about. I am confident that it will be a success, and that I will actually earn a pretty solid income, and have time off in winter.

This confidence is spilling over into other parts of my life. I have been interested in a girl for a few years. She is a graphic designer, makes art for fun, rides bikes for transportation. I have enjoyed her company and considered her a friend for a few years. I was always attracted to her, but never made moves because 1. I thought I was such a mess she wouldn't go for it 2. it would be temp physical thing, and would be weird after. It's honestly a lot harder for me to find friends than it is girls who want to mess around, so I didn't want to fuck that up.

Anyways, I told her how I feel about her, and she's into it.I really wanted to be with you, take care of you, more than anything in the world, and it was really tearing me up. I've been pretty delusional in ignoring obvious signs that it will never work. I think I am ready to move on.I will always care about you and wonder what if?I am really sorry that I was such a fuck up and did so many bad things, and feel like I have screwed up your ability to have a healthy relationship.

You are a beautiful, smart, caring woman. There are a lot of good men out there. The older you get, the more the good ones have been snapped up already. At my age, the vast majority of smart, sexy, sane women are off the market. The ones that still are, have serious flaws that have driven others away.

I would highly suggest, not waiting until your 30's to find a good man. Most men are looking for younger women. Seriously, check out OKCupid, 32-40 age range for women. There are a BAZILLION career driven, educated, fit women on there. Not many takers. Successful men are desirable to younger women with less baggage and more fertility. I know this sounds shallow, but people are shallow.

Lucky-looDo I screw up in the face of naked hostility? Sometimes.Do I own up when I make mistakes? Usually.Do I care what an anonymous internet troll might think of me? Lol! You really ARE funny, bless you. :D

CJ @ 3:27: You are the strangest sort of person; I don't understand how you can function with all this self-loathing. You're intelligent enough to recognize what you did to her; why do you celebrate it by making it public?

When I scrolled past Mr. Reed I assumed the blue bike was a Citybike one, till you esplaind it were a Jamis.

One friend of a friend who joined us on a mountainousing beik 50mi ride last weekend was the only one not double-sprung. It was fine for the beginning and end which were big chunks of pavement to get to the trail, and even for the uphill trail, but the riding of the downhill trail caused him much pain, anguish, and consternation. Not all trails call for boingy+boingy, but we prefer the ones that do. We gave him big ups for not knowing what he was getting into but slugging it out on the hardtail anyway. But the only other choice was riding back Up the trail, so not much of a choice actually.

Unfortunately the warshing merchine bike doesn't have an agitation cycle in that configuration. And even if it did, your kit and soapy water ain't stayin in for too many pedal strokes without a lid. A LID! Notice that the hairplain overhead compartment and the Expencedes both have LIDS that LATCH. Also so does every design sketch they show, EXCEPT the one they went with. Way to go, dipshits. A trunck that isn't aero, isn't protected from the elements, and isn't lockable. Congratulations, you designgeneered the trunk out of the trunk.

No CJ dude, it doesn't matter about your new business or what kind of fuckin healemenette she wears; you WILL screw this one up too, and by that I mean, "wherever you go, there you are." Give it a minute will ya? Try just chilling by yourself for a while, see how long you can actually tolerate it. Also RE people's flaws, they ALL have "serious flaws," young and old alike, and even if you find one who has none, you'll be the one with the flaws.

If you can't do the heavy lifting it's better to just stick to random sexypants and senseless acts of fucking. Why even aspire to any sort of long-term relationship? IT'S OKAY

WIWM, are you seriously THAT FUCKING TONE DEAF to human interaction, that you can't tell I am left handed?!?!?!

Seriously, I think you are more socially retarded than I am...

I met hot redhead when she was 23.... She was just barely within the half your age plus 7 range of societal propriety.I met her riding bikes with my dog. She was riding bikes with a mutual friend. I invited them both to the waterfront for gin & tonics with my delinquent bike rider friends. Got those digits and went dancing at the local gay bar later that night.I tried the old "can you feel my boner?" line while grinding, and she did not bite.... "I am a good girl". I thought I had ruined my chances, but we ended up fooling around. She did make me wait 3 days before letting me put my schmeckle inside her.

At first, I didn't really care about her: I was insanely attracted to her, but she was so much younger and more innocent, that I wasn't challenged by her, and didn't expect it to last very long.

I ended up falling in love with her. We traveled together, she met my folks, ETC. My parents are in love with her. She is a sweet heart, hard working, nurse. I fucked that one up....

She called me, today. I kinda thought we were done communicating, after that last email exchange. I try to get over her... step 1. Bhuddist monk phase, master of my own domain.step 2. get really horny, fuck naive girls.

This was not satisfying, as the new conquests could not compare to how beautiful and sexy I find hot red head, nevermind the redhead je ne sais qua that I have no idea was so addicting until I had a taste.

The 21 year old stoner chick was close to making me forget how good the sex was with HRH, though she was only tolerable while stoned out of my gourd and entering BONE ZONE.

Women that I am actually interested in mentally, tend to only be interested in me sexually. WHICH IS VERY IRRITATING.

CJ, don't try to sprinkle your fantasy conquests with French phrases. You don't have the intellectual chops to pull it off, much less spell it.

There is one ultimate truth to your ramblings, however. It seems as if girls either get their kicks above the waistline or below; almost never both. If you find one such creature, she is definitely a keeper.

DerZoots, what about you leave the Fredlitism to the archetypical bikeforums user with a compulsive need to belittle anything that isn't as expensive as the stuff on the 3 dentist bikes they never ride, and pretend to know what they're talking about?

Oh, CJ. I am sorry to have to break it to you, but the reason for the non-response that you got from the redhead is that she COULD NOT feel your boner. If anything, she might have been thinking that you had a little stub of a golf pencil in your pocket.

Why the fuck would I pay someone $100 an hour to listen to my fucked up stories, when I can tell you for free???

USA is not Canada, eh? Health care is not free. I would have to work more at a job I don't like to pay for it, would have less free time to do things I enjoy. I will spend my money on weed and bike parts, thanks for the advice tho

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!