Monday Watch List: Gossip Gals Ahoy

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and receive your sample ballot for the November election. How are you supposed to vote for a circuit judge when you know nothing about any of the candidates? That’s what blindfolded monkeys are for, silly. LET’S GO!

BACHELOR PAD – 8:00PM (ABC) Oh, sorry. Did you think this was the week the four major networks would give you new scripted programming? Afraid not. No, you’ll just have to keep waiting for that. Meanwhile, cable is busy giving you new episodes of “Mad Men,” “The Closer,” “Louie,” “Rescue Me,” “Sons of Anarchy, “ “True Blood,” “Rubicon,” “Weeds,” and about 9,000 other shows. Oh, but do stay with the broadcast networks. You can still trust them! Anyway, tonight the boys and girls stage their finale, including a “Dancing With The Stars” inspired competition. That’s right. They can’t even give you a new “Dancing With The Stars.” That’s how much ABC cares. ANTICIPATION: DIRTY!

GOSSIP GIRL – 9:00PM (CW) Meanwhile, unofficial fifth network the CW does manage to give you a real, live season premiere. It’s the fourth season of “Gossip Girl,” and the opener tonight finds us in Paris, where Blair and Serena are enjoying themselves. I’d watch this show if it didn’t feature Kristen Bell’s horrible, awful voiceover. It’s like someone in marketing’s idea of what a blog sounds like. I’ve seen AT&T ads that are more in touch with everyday language. ANTICIPATION: OMFG!

THE 19TH WIFE – 9:00PM (Lifetime) It’s a Lifetime original movie, this one featuring Patricia Wettig as a woman who stands accused of killing her polygamist husband. It’s just like “Big Love,” only stuff actually happens, and storylines are resolved in a reasonable amount of time. ANTICIPATION: MORMONY!

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL – 7:00PM (ESPN) MNF kicks off a new season with a doubleheader. Your first game is Ravens/Jets at 7PM. Your second game is Chargers/Chiefs at 10:15PM. In other words, it’s not really a doubleheader. It’s a singleheader with some added fantasy stats added later on. ANTICIPATION: SANCHEZ!

TOURETTE’S UNCOVERED – 9:00PM (Discovery Health) Four children with the disease are featured tonight, including one young boy who can’t stop swearing. ANTICIPATION: EXPLETIVE DELETED