Thomas the Tank Engine saves West Coast line

Thomas the Tank engine is to come to the rescue of Patrick McLoughlin, Britain’s new Transport Secretary in an offer to run West Coast services for a bag of dolly mixtures and a sack of coal from January 2013.

Thomas who lives at the Big Station will help to mobilise the coalition’s Big Society following the chaos that has ensued after failed franchise bids by First group and Virgin Trains. Both bids have been shunted into the sidings.

In a statement to the media the Fat Controller said, “Although Thomas is a fussy little engine he does enjoy pulling coaches about so he’s the perfect engine for the job. Plus if he had his way he’d nationalise the whole fucking network.”

Meanwhile, three officials have been suspended. The Department for Transport won't say who, but there is industry gossip the trio are Horrid Henry, Peppa Pig and Dora the Explorer – all responsible for procurement. Suspensions are not thought to include Bob the Builder, major projects director.

Rumours that the Fat Controller referred to Prime Minister, David Cameron as a First Class prat overseeing a Second Class government are unsubstantiated.