WouldJew Believe #24

Everybody’s doin’ it! They’re walking palm-first, communing in earnest with their window to the world: the iPod (iPad and all the other “i’s.”) Never to be forgotten, We Jews are being tempted with gazunta apps, and I’m not talking chopped liver. So, here are some yummy Apps with Jewish tude.

iTalmud: Feel the need to debate, even with yourself? The Talmud is now electronically accessible. No excuses for not studying!

iSiddur: This prayer book also features location-based prayer times! No more when is Maariv, even in outer space. (And no more Jewish outer space jokes!)

Totally Tanach: Browse, search and study the Hebrew Bible any time, any place. You can even get a Rashi Commentary to help you resolve your iQuestions.

Get a Rashi Commentary to help you resolve your iQuestions.

Tanya: Hear the Alter Rebbe’s words and be uplifted. (But keep your eyes on the road.)

iBless Food: My personal favorite, this hendy-dendy app remind you of the correct blessing. What could be more important than thanking the Almighty? Right -- if it could only remind you

to thank our mothers. Now that would be something!

KIPPAHS ON ICE?

What do you do if your hockey team “farshtoonks,” you’re in the Sunshine State, and you want MOTs to maybe buy a ticket? According to Neil Rubin, editor of the Baltimore Jewish Times, the Florida Panthers tried to break the ice in December by holding what they called “The Biggest Hanukkah party in South Florida!” More than food and music, the team offered an incentive. If you bought a (discount) ticket, you were gifted with a fan “beanie.” Did it work? Eh ... not so much. Could it be the Jews of South Florida already have enough yarmulkes? Or could it be there aren’t enough MOT fans to start a mini Panthers blog? Which, of course was the reason for the giveaway in the first place. Oy! Better they should have Yiddishe kops than give Yiddishe Kippahs.

HARRY POTTEROWITZ?

Recently a group of tourists in Israel went on a pilgrimage at the pristine cemetery of Ramle. Their mission? To find the tombstone of Hogwarts’ most illustrious student, the bespectacled Harry Potter. After much investigation, and a little hocus pocus, there it appeared among 4,500 graves! Photos were duly snapped as “Potters” huddled around the burial site of their hero. Or not? It really is Harry Potter’s grave. Just not that Harry Potter’s grave. This Harry Potter, age 18, was a British soldier, felled back in 1939, while on duty when Britain held the League of Nations Mandate for Palestine. Are the tourists getting wise? Probably. But, the tour guide, Ron Peled said the name sells. Galloping Gargoyles!!

HUMMUS WARS?

What is it about the chick pea that incites such militant mishegoss? OK, yes, as a beloved ethnic treat on both sides of the Middle East aisle, it’s served up as a metaphor for larger conflict. And the conflict was played out in December at Princeton University where the world watched and logic prevailed! The pro-Palestinian Princeton Committee on Palestine (PCP) called for a referendum of the student body to ask university retail outlets to provide an alternative to Sabra-brand hummus. Seems simple, nu? An exercise in consumerism? A hummus op for other manufacturers? Ah, but Princeton students had the saichel to realize there was more to this than free hummus choice. You see, the Sabra people donate funds and services to soldiers in the elite Israel Defense Forces Golani brigade, which irked the PCP who charged that the Golani brigade routinely violates human rights and international law. The referendum was handily beaten, 1,014 to 699! A strong show of support for hummus (our way) and Israel!

FILE UNDER ROTTEN IDEAS? OR NOT?

Anyone in South Florida who ever said, “Get me a lawyer. Shhhh. A Jewish one” can now say it aloud, and dial. A new Boca business, the Jewish American Bar Association, promises to refer a bona fide Jewish mouthpiece, or, according to found Lisa Spitzer, a gentile, “if his heart was in accordance with our goals and purposes.” (Whatever that means.) While the prospect may entice some clients, some in the legal community, Jewish and not, are underwhelmed, even offended, though probably for different reasons. This begs the questions: Do Jewish lawyers have the “chutzpah” edge or is this a you-know-what stereotype? And, much like the difference between loving Irish stew vs. Irish bartenders, is the stereotype a “compliment” or a klop? The jury is still out. You be the judge.

AND WOULDJEW BELIEVE: FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US??

Who can forget the Seinfeld episode when George, to get out of Christmas-gifting, tells his boss, he celebrates “Festivus.” Listen ...

GEORGE: "I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!?"

Well, one convicted drug dealer in an Orange County California prison, not only didn’t forget “Festivus,” he celebrates. Malcolm Alarmo King reportedly cited his observance of Festivus to eat kosher in prison! King, more of a “healthest” than a “Festivest” needed a religious reason to get the kosher meals, which are supersized. A local Bayside paper claimed he got his wish, even after thorough investigation revealed the “holiday” was a figment of the Costanza mishegoss. All of which begs the question: Did the Costanzas eat Kosher on Festivus? Or even, what were the Costanzas? Mama C was Jewish, hands down. (The house smelled like kasha.) But papa Frank? We saw his cousin in Italy. Maybe he was Sephardic? But then George joined the Latvian Orthodox Church. Did he ever re-convert? Is George a “re-Converter?” And if so, to what? And ... never mind.

About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(7)
Richard Corsano,
January 29, 2011 6:20 AM

Festivus?

From the above Festivus article: "But papa Frank? We saw his cousin in Italy. Maybe he was Sephardic?"
HEY! What's this! Youse guys pickin' on us Italian Sephardics? We eat spaghetti and matzo balls--so what! Anybody care for another helping of gefilte fish parmagiana? Yum!

(6)
Nettie,
January 27, 2011 1:36 PM

Amazing

The diversity of delightful data gathered from the diaspora stuns the mind with well chosen descriptive words. Always enjoyable to read. Congratulations

(5)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2011 7:51 PM

I was at the Biggest Hanukkah Party at the Miami Heat Game- maybe the hockey party was the same night because every Chabad in town and then some was the Heat game.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2011 2:56 AM

as always-clever ,cryptic, funny and to the point-
way to go Marnie!

(3)
Anonymous,
January 25, 2011 6:43 PM

L'chaim to the Irish

Irish stew, Irish bartender, I like both, no preference for either. Besides, the best Irish stew is made with Guinness, for which you need an Irish bartender who knows how to pour it properly.

(2)
Anna,
January 25, 2011 12:16 PM

BTQ alert!!!

Good stuff (I'm especially pleased to hear that the ridiculous hummus offensive was soundly thrashed); however, you twice used the phrase "begs the question" incorrectly. "Begging the question" is a logical fallacy meaning to assume that the initial point in an argument is already proven (you can see lots of examples if you read The Guardian's articles about Israel). What you mean is RAISING the question. Thanks for your column!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...