Thursday, August 7, 2014

Five individuals in A Smell of Honey, a Swallow of Brine! (An Adult Experience!!!) are initially given the go ahead to enter her primary passageway using the appendage of their choice, only to be told to put on the brakes just as they were about to feast on the most succulent cunt humanity has ever produced. Truth be told, the supposed scrumptiousness of her exalted lady crevice is not something anyone can actually prove, as no one has ever tasted the fruits of her vaginal labour. Oh, believe me, many have tried to sample this honey-flavoured treat, but its owner seems to enjoy the act of denying them access to one of the most sought after pussies currently on the market. Whether they be her forthright lesbian roommate or square accountants named Dick, it's almost as if she receives pleasure in keeping all-comers away from her precious genitals. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself: Man, this chick sounds like a real cock-tease (you could call her a "cunt-tease" as well, but we won't, as she mostly teases cocks). Sure, you could call her that. But where does it say in the copulation handbook that women must allow men (and other women), once the heavy petting stage has subsided, to penetrate them? It doesn't. They can refuse to be mounted anytime they want.

Of course, she could be more discreet telling her boyfriends/girlfriends to dismount. But that's not her style. You see, Sharon Winters is a bitch. Now, normally, I wouldn't use the b-word, as I find it to be vulgar and crass. However, Sharon proudly refers to herself as one during the film's most important scene, so, I'll make an exception this time.

Anyway, the scene is important because heterosexual women need to be frank with their forthright lesbian roommates. In other words, massage my bucolic backside all you want. But let's get one thing straight: My clitoris is strictly off limits.

Telling her forthright lesbian roommate, "I may be a bitch, but I'll never be a butch," and proceeding to laugh like a cackling psycho-hosebeast, Sharon lays down the ground rules the only way she knows how: snotty and direct with a dash of cruelty.

While the forthright lesbian roommates in her life, particularly the one's named Paula (Sharon Carr), get a dash of cruelty, the men get an extra helping of the cruel stuff, with, of course, a side order of maliciousness for shits and giggles. In order to be a first-rate cock-teaser, you need to have certain attributes. And, first things first, you need to look good while wearing black stockings. If you can't rock a pair of black stockings, then forget about it, the only cocks you'll be teasing will be the severed one's floating around the trash-laden kiddie pool that is your cock-starved subconscious.

You also need to have great hair.

Possess an ass with a modicum of oomph.

And, of course, it doesn't hurt to have a bad attitude.

The question is: Does Stacey Walker have what it takes to be able to play the kind of woman who can drive a man insane with desire by simply raising one of her eyebrows?

How should I put this? You better fucking believe she does. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that Stacey Walker gives one of the most cock-stirring performances in cinematic history.

Her legs look amazing in black stockings, her hair is the perfect length, her ass has more than enough of oomph, and her bad attitude is second to none. In other words, she's got it all.

It also helps that Stacey's legs look amazing without stockings. And we see part of these amazing legs (her thighs and calves) being groped in the film's László Kovács photographed opening scene. Making out with her current boyfriend, Roy Bradley (Michael O'Kelly) in his car, Sharon Winters (Stacey Walker) decides she doesn't want to go any further and tells him to get off her. When he doesn't comply, she begins to scream. Luckily, a police officer hears her and intervenes.

After Roy is sentenced to two years in prison for rape and assault, Sharon goes home to lounge about in nothing but a black bra and black booty shorts.

It's during the black bra/black booty shorts lounging scene that I first noticed the majestic splendour that is Stacey Walker's floppy blonde hairdo in this movie. I mean, like I said before, the length is perfect. Her hair is long, but it's also short... if you know what I mean.

Even though Paula, her forthright lesbian roommate, has some misgivings about her going on date so soon after the indecent with Roy, Sharon gets ready to go out with Dick Owens (Tom Hughes), an accountant who works in her office. As she's getting ready, we get a nice look at her ass as she makes her way to the bathroom.

Clean as a whistle thanks to the bath she just took, Sharon sits on her bed and puts on a pair of black stockings. As she's attaching the final suspender, Dick knocks at the door. Putting on this ratty-looking bathrobe, Sharon answers the door and immediately offers Dick a drink, as long as its either a beer or a bourbon and ginger (he chooses the latter).

My first impression of Dick is that he's a colossal square. Meaning, he has no business being seen in public with a woman like Sharon. Agreeing with me, Sharon decides to fuck Dick's shit up right away. Of course, how does a woman, even one as beautiful as Sharon, provoke a man who is such a tool? As Sharon says to Paula earlier in the evening, "Dick is not the raping type."

Instructing Dick to tell her a little bit about himself, Sharon forces him to watch her take a bath. The plan is to get Dick all riled up. I don't know if the bath worked. But the sight of Sharon sliding her white panties on afterward had me rolling on the floor in ecstasy. As all this is going on, a band called "Et Cetra" can be heard jamming, Pavement-style, on the soundtrack.

Just as Dick is starting to fumble with her garter belt, Sharon yells out, "Rapist!" Stunned by this turn of events, Dicks falls off the bed and slinks away. As he's slinking away, Sharon giggles quietly to herself.

She does the same thing to her forthright lesbian roommate later on. Only, her post-rape accusation giggle is now a full-on guffaw.

With Dick Owens nowhere in sight, Sharon is introduced to his replacement, a guy named Lowell Carter (Sam Melville). Wasting very little time, Sharon is all over Lowell. (Actually, I think Lowell was the one who approached Sharon.) Whatever. It's obvious Sharon has some sinister plans in store for this Lowell fella.

Her plans for Lowell are sinister, all right, but they're also ambitious. Stringing him along by going on a series of dates, Sharon slowly lulls Lowell into thinking he's about to tap her ass something fierce. But we all know the chances of that happening are pretty slim. Either way, Sharon and Lowell go on a walking date, a movie date, flirt by the water-cooler, frolic in the vicinity of a swimming pool and take a long, scenic drive through the country.

Denying him the delicious poontang he thinks he so rightly deserves after they're done making out on the couch, Sharon sends Lowell home empty-handed.

Cue the erotic fantasy sequences. Unable to seal the deal with Sharon, Lowell resorts to dreaming about her. Some of his dreams involve her being whipped while tied to a pole, while others involve Sharon castrating Lowell while dressed as a dominatrix, Lowell clearly needs to insert his penis in one of Sharon's ready-made orifices. I mean, the guy is starting to lose his mind.

While the whole destroying men and women by accusing them of rape gimmick might work on lovesick twenty year-olds, forthright lesbian roommates and square accountants named Dick (i.e. people on the fringes of society), it's whole different story when it comes to white men of a certain age. Meaning, some of these "white men of a certain age" might not react the way you think after you accuse them of rape. Do you see what I'm getting at? What I'm saying is, not everyone is going to slink away with their cock/strap-on dildo tucked between their legs after you call them a "filthy rapist."