Where’s Ryan Lochte Now?

[FADE IN: Montage of TV news reports, all taking over each other.]

TVs: New developments in the story of Ryan Lochte and the other three American swimmers… Authorities in Rio say Lochte’s story does not match security-camera footage… Two of the swimmers were removed from their flight… Lochte’s flight to the US had already departed… Lochte issued an apology this morning which does not address the discrepancy between his account and the footage captured at the gas station… After arriving back in the US, Lochte’s whereabouts are currently unknown… Reports say he has not returned to his home in North Carolina…

[CUT TO: Rossburg, OH. A DONALD TRUMP rally.]

TRUMP: Well, let me be honest with you. Paul Manafort, I’m glad he quit. I didn’t like him as my campaign manager. He was too much, “Oh, Donald, you need to pivot to the general election!” Ridiculous. I don’t need to do that. I’ve got all these people who love me, all these great people. Isn’t that right?

[The crowd roars its approval.]

TRUMP: And you know what else was Paul’s idea? Mike Pence. [Crowd boos.] Paul suggested him to appease the “establishment”. [Puts the word in air quotes. Boos intensify.] Well, I don’t need the establishment. I can win this by myself. [Cheers.] So that’s why Mike Pence isn’t here. I got rid of him.

[Pandemonium in the crowd. Cries of “Trump! Trump! Trump!” He waits for the noise to die down.]

TRUMP: I’ve chosen a new vice-presidential candidate. Someone who’s more my style. He’s a winner, like me. Winning is all he does. You know this. You’ve all seen him win.