Worried that your church or your home may be infiltrated by Emergents or any of the other heretical type reprobated people like Catholics, New Age Apostates and Arminians? Never fear Pirate Radio has teamed up with we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia to bring you the new Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector. Now you can verify if someone has Biblical Theology or not before they even come into your vicinity. Just place our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector near a doorway, gate or anyother type of entryway and let the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector work it’s magic for you.

The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector will automatically detect if someone has Biblically verifiable theology or wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology. If someone has Biblically verifiable theology the green Pass sign will light up while playing a Bible-Based tune like the hit song and theme song of GOIP-Lander:God Hates The World or it’s love theme: Broken Wings. However if someone has wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology the red Alarm sign will frantically flash while sending volts of electricity into the perpetrator and also filling their ears with loud and foul sounds.

You’ll never have to worry about the ungodly and unbiblical ever infiltrating your Holy grounds again with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector protecting the Purity of your Doctrines and the Sanctity of your vicinity. Now you can remain unsensitive to Seekers with ease with the Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector doing all the work for you. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector not only works on people but also on pets and objects as well. It also functions as an Absolute Truth detector and also verifies Biblically-correct theology in books. The Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector also comes in a version for automobiles and other vehicles—never let the ungodly ride with you. Customer satisfaction guarenteed!

One of our satisfied customers after using our Multi-Zone Biblical Theology Detector:

pirate77 said…Intolerant fool? If you are not tolerant of Todd Friel, what does that make you? I’ll take his Biblically verifiable theology over the wishy-washy ignore-it-or-make-it-up-or-change-it-to-suit-us so-called theology that has been initiated by people like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren (whom you seem to love) and Doug Pagitt, just to name a few. —May 4, 2010 11:23 AM

There are different methods from removing the horns, or dehorning, an emergent – the simplest being not letting your young fundamentalist be turned toward emerging. When this is not an option, you can now make a choice as to what method to use to dehorn an emergent.
Difficulty: Challenging
Instructions
Chemical Method of Dehorning
1. Step 1
Push back the hair that covers the horn bud on the young emergent.
2. Step 2
Use a brush to apply caustic potash or caustic soda to the horn buttons.
3. Step 3
Choose whether to have the hair fall back over the horn bud after applying the caustic, or clipping the hair back altogether. Some have found that the hair helps to keep the caustic in place, and prevents the caustic from irritating the older emergents.
4. Step 4
Avoid getting any of the caustic in the emergent’s eyes. Always wear gloves when applying the chemical. Wait for sunny days to apply the chemical on the emergent as rain can wash the chemicals from the horn buds.
Hot Iron Method of Dehorning
5. Step 1
Use a hot iron for dehorning an emergent if they are a little older. Also use anesthesia in conjunction with the iron, especially on the older emergents. Carefully check that the iron is working well before applying it to the emergent. A unit that is too hot can cause brain damage in the emergent which will also aid you in bringing them back to fundamentalism.
6. Step 2
Hold the hot iron against each horn bud for 10 to 15 seconds. A copper-colored ring will appear.
7. Step 3
Observe the emergent. After 4 to 6 weeks, the horn button will fall off.
Spoon or Tube of Dehorning
8. Step 1
Make sure you use the proper sized tube for the horn for dehorning. There are four sizes available. The tube should fit over the horn bud, as well as 1/8 inch of skin around the base of the horn bud.
9. Step 2
Place the cutting edge so that it is straight down over the horn bud.
10. Step 3
Twist and push the tube until you cut through the skin, then cut under the horn button and remove it.
11. Step 4
Apply an antiseptic to help prevent infection.
Barnes Method of Dehorning
12. Step 1
Fit the knives over the horns of the young emergent or older one by closing the handles of the Barnes-type dehorners. You will want to remove a ring of skin at the same time as the horn.
13. Step 2
Spread the handles apart as quickly as you can manage. This engages the knives, which cut off the horn.
14. Step 3
Make sure the blades are sharp before this procedure. Use anesthesia as well as make sure the emergent is properly restrained.
15. Step 4
Stop the bleeding by either using forceps to pull the artery, or a hot iron.

Now, we can include John Piper to the list of heretics! We are so happy to find someone who is as well known as John Piper and rejoice that Brannon Howse is getting the word out about how horrible Piper really is! Brannon Howse is known for his radio show where he rails against about everything indiscriminately! He is also know for his praise and worship fundraisers against Rick Warren with the help of his friend and ASSOCIATE, Marty Goetz. (For some reason Brannon Howse can overlook that Marty performs at Purpose/Seeker Driven Churches… but for now we will overlook Brannon’s lapse of discernment for performing with Purpose/Seeker Driven Church supporter, Marty Goetz (Marty performed at a Purpose/Seeker Driven church in Monterey Ca. in the late 1990’s). Maybe one day Brannon Howse will see his error in this and we will have a separation of the sheep and Goetz?

Now, what does John Piper have to say about all this… who cares, but here is his explanation.

The ODMafia has just revealed our newest secret weapon. After years of being called “watchdogs” we have combined the DNA of Fido, our faithful house pet and some DNA secretly collected from various ODM’s across the globe. Finally, we have success! Here is the hybrid watchdog! After a bit more training, our newest watchdog will be ready to sniff out heresy near you!

Jesus rose from the grave and soon will come back and take you out. While those emerging apostates agree that Jesus died and rose again, for us we see Jesus as angry, wrathful and full of vengance. In fact He is going to take out Rambo like revenge on all of you sinners!

Yes, Jesus was very upset about being crucified as well as what He saw you do last night! Jesus did for me but if you do not agree fully with us and our DOCTRINE you will feel the rage of Jesus! We do not worship wimpy Jesus who just turns the other cheek, we worship the new and improve resurrected Jesus who will go into battle and ride a horse through blood as high as the horses bridle! Revenge is sweet so expect no mercy from Jesus when He comes again! I mean, Jesus taught us to forgive, yet He does not have to live up to that Himself. I mean the only point of the Cross was God must of made a mistake and owed Satan so had to legally pay him off.

Now, some of those apostate teachers will try to get you to read The Book of Revelation as apocalyptic writings instead of our “pick and choose” literalism. They will try to show you that believers in the Book of Revelation overcame evil by their testimony and by the blood of the Lamb. Let me tell you where that blood came from… SINNERS! We know that God cares nothing of humans or His creation and Love has no business in OUR faith! So, watch out, Jesus is coming and His wrath will be known. Oh, and BTW, have a great day in HELL… Now I am off to my Easter Service to preach about how much God loves me and hates you, you pitiful sinner!

We are proud to help solidify the BONDS of marriage with our new marriage seminars. For a mere $300 we offer a free chain to keep your wife in line. Churchmen everywhere will always know where your woman is so no more staying wives. It comes with detachable cuff links on the men’s side as we all know men are the head of women. This allows men to have the flexibility to leave for work and leave your wife chained securely to the kitchen where she belongs. We here at the ODMafia support the suppression of women as our DOCTRINE dictates!

The once mighty and slightly nasty Slice of Laodicea (SoL) has began a retreat to its secret Crosstalk lair. It seems that it is too costly to maintain the hate on more than one site so they ahve abandoned the SoL site. All teh hate one could want to read is now over at their Crosstalk blog where the Cross is rarely talked about but all the gossip on the people we love to hate is there! We here at the ODMafia only feel shame, embarrassment and dishonor at this major setback of one of the major players in the Hate Truth War. We are seriously considering revoking Ingrid’s SODUM membership.

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Dude! This is a satire site!

Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.