Among the more pressing questions about the upcoming "A Day Without a Woman," scheduled to take place Wednesday, is how to turn a daylong strike into lasting change.

In Iceland, a women's strike in 1975 ushered in the nation's first female president. In Poland, a similar event in 2016 is credited with helping defeat a proposed ban on all abortions, even in cases of rape or incest or to save the mother's life.

This week's strike — during which women are encouraged to take 24 hours off from all paid and unpaid labor and avoid spending money except at small, women- and minority-owned businesses — is intended to spotlight women's socioeconomic contributions, while raising awareness about the lower wages and vulnerability to discrimination, sexual harassment and job insecurity women face.

It's also intended to usher in a more equitable distribution of labor at home.

A list of frequently asked questions on the "A Day Without a Woman" website includes a "How can men participate?" query.

"Consider the ways that the women in your life care for and support you (your family, your office, etc.) daily, and imagine how you can provide that support to women in your life," organizers suggest. "Lean into care work and housework. If you are partnered with a woman, review with her what domestic work she does."

(Men are also encouraged to bring up equal pay at work, advocate for their female counterparts and reflect on their expectations of the women at their offices: Are they expected to clean up after meetings, order the food, etc.?)

But about that housework:

I called Don and Carrie Cole, a husband-and-wife duo of licensed professional counselors with the Gottman Institute's Center for Relationship Wellness to ask them how couples can engage in a fruitful conversation about divvying up child care and other domestic responsibilities.

It's a loaded topic, often freighted with long-standing resentments and misunderstandings about who's doing the heavy lifting at home. Surely there's a way to approach it that will inspire connection and change, rather than combustion and ... no change.

"One of the things research shows us about successful couples is that even when they're talking about problems, they're positive or neutral for 80 percent of the conversation," Don Cole said. "They fill the conversation with statements like 'I appreciate everything you do,' 'I understand where you're coming from.' The smartest thing a man can say to a woman is, 'That makes sense.' The smartest thing a woman can say to a man is, 'This isn't all your fault.' "

That means staying introspective, Carrie Cole said, and avoiding criticism of each other.

"Rather than talking about what your partner does or doesn't do, talk about the experience and how that feels," she said. " 'I feel like I'm an inferior person in the relationship when I'm doing these tasks by myself.' Rather than, 'You never help.' "

At couples workshops, the Coles teach a formula for launching into difficult conversations.

"I feel, about what, and I need," Don Cole said. "So, 'I feel frustrated about being alone in the kitchen, and I really need some help in here.' "

Keeping score — inwardly or outwardly — is never a good idea, the Coles said, because it keeps a negative dialogue running through your head and is, ultimately, beside the point.

"There's almost always some underlying meaning to the things that are important in our lives," Don Cole said. "Even if it's just keeping a clean kitchen or preparing good meals, there's some kind of link to our childhood or what it means to be a good parent or another reason why this issue is so important to us."

So even if one partner feels that he or she is doing half, the other partner might feel he or she is doing more. That's why it's important to center the conversation around how the division of labor makes the partners feel about their place within the relationship.

Men and women would both do well to enter the conversation with an open mind and a shared goal of making both partners feel equally respected and supported. We are, after all, looking for lasting change, here, right? Not a fleeting victory.

On Wednesday, Carrie Cole said, men could simply ask their partners a handful of open-ended questions. How are you feeling about the way we divide child care? Are there some chores we don't split equally? Are there some divisions that are working well?

And then listen closely to her answers, Don Cole said.

If things are going ducky and distribution feels fair, rock on. If not, brainstorm ways to get to more equal footing. Either way, tune in.

"When you turn toward your partner and say, 'I'm listening. This is important,' that is one of the strongest trust-building moments in a relationship," he said.

Ever find yourself scrolling through home-rental websites, day dreaming of a staycation or weekend getaway? Maybe you've flagged them with a heart or bookmark, saving them for easy viewing later when you're ready to book. We asked Airbnb about the most commonly "wish-listed" homes throughout Chicago. The results range from a Lincoln Park loft to a transformed garden apartment in Little Village and range from $65 to $109 a night. Two of the listings are Airbnb Plus, meaning they've passed an inspection to ensure they meet certain standards.

Although different, each of these rentals has one thing in common: It seems everyone wants to stay for a night.

(Susan Moskop)

Through triumphs and tears, here are 18 folks who inspired Balancing Act columnist Heidi Stevens the most in 2018.

A version of this article appeared in print on March 08, 2017, in the Health & Family section of the Chicago Tribune with the headline "Seeking a more equal division of labor at home - Balancing Act" —
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