Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass a leafy green vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’

We in the Fat Acceptance Movement lose credibility when our members make outrageous statement like “I weigh 400 pounds and I only eat 900 calories a day.” That one does not even pass the giggle test. We need not apologize for our gluttony and gormandizing. We did not get fat because we hate food. We love food and we should love food. Life is short and it is doubtful that there is a god so what we do on earth won’t matter when we are gone. I for one will not apologize for my gluttonous hedonism and neither should you.

Food is glorious. It is better than love by far. It never rejects you. Unlike “God” it never ignores your pleas. If love were better then parents would not be raising obese kids who will suffer ridicule from this fat hating society and allegedly a lifetime of health problems but let’s not get on that slippery slope right now. No, this is about being unapologetic and guilt free about eating as much as we want, when ever we want and what ever we want.

I love feeder chat on Dimensions Magazine. I love calling these lovely BBWs pigs and the love it too. I love looking at extremely fat women. Most men do. If you do a Google image search and type in BBW you will find image after image of BBWs unashamedly showing off their lovely large bodies but if you Google terms like skinny woman (who’d want to?) and you will find mostly fully clothed stick girls. My point is fat women need not apologize for how much they eat. That is a sure way to develop an eating disorder. Do what I and other fat men do eat all you want and if someone has a problem with that just tell them to F off!

Our matra needs to be “You can’t ever eat to much and you cannot ever weigh too much so don’t judge us” I am hoping for a paradigm shift in the Fat Acceptance Movement. There is too much infighting and the cause of that infighting is because many of us in the movement will not say, “Yes that’s right I eat 6000+ calories a day everyday. You got a problem with that?