Sky Schooling

These days, skywriting is done by computer or some other form of technological voodoo, but in the old days, people flew around and spelled words out in the air mechanically by releasing some puffy white stuff at the appropriate time. Ever since I was a child I’ve wondered how the pilot knew what the thing they were creating looked like from the ground. Today’s big, spectacular, double-wide Sunday cartoon shows how I imagine they might have practiced. (On an interesting side note, when the industry switched to computerized skywriting, the dessert topping industry took a major hit and has yet to recover, as chronicled here.)

According to a website that I visited recently, climate change isn’t happening and even if it is, it isn’t caused by humans so there’s no reason for us to stop bombarding the planet with our poisonous behavior for profit. This news is very comforting to our current crop of young children, many of whom will live long enough to see widespread famine because North America is too hot and dry to grow nearly as much food as it used to. I’m sure it will be fine, though, because by then America will be “great again!”

Other than the time I attended a String Cheese Incident concert, my biggest regret in life is that I never learned a second language. Yes, I know it’s never too late, but learning a language at my age as compared to as a toddler is like learning to drive an RV as an adult compared to as a toddler, but in reverse.

Of all the detailed, scientific rat studies I’ve read, the one that I think changed my life the most was the one where rats were asked if they could have dinner with anyone, real or fictional, living or dead, from any time period, who would it be? A whopping 87% said Mickey Mouse.

I’m always shocked by how many people don’t know what opera-length gloves are and that they were invented for women who wanted to perform surgery at the opera.

I enjoy eating as much as the next person but I’m not obsessed with food to the point that I read about it, watch TV shows about it, and am willing to waste large portions of my life waiting for a table at the latest hot restaurant. But I know people who are. I lived in New York for ten years, a city with a well-deserved reputation for having a penchant for arrogance that approaches a super power. And with the conviction that you are superior because you live in what you consider to be the greatest city our planet has ever produced, comes profoundly self-indulgent and exclusionary practices not unlike the restaurant mentioned in the cartoon above. I made this scenario up but it would not surprise me in the least to know it has actually happened or is happening and I’ve just not heard about it because I’m not in with the cool kids.

Also a restaurant gag but not one that bears a lot of commentary, is this one about the personable table.

Thanks to all you loyal Jazz Pickles who have read this far! As times change, so do the methods a cartoonist uses to support himself. Accordingly, I’m selling some super high-end, color, limited-edition, signed and numbered prints from an LA art gallery. These are some of my favorite Bizarro gags from my career and they make AWESOME gifts in all caps!

OR…if that’s outside your budget, perhaps you would consider supporting my contribution to your life with a one-time or monthly donation by clicking on the Bizarro Bunny in the Tip Jar in the margin at right. It will put a smile on my face and I’ll send you a personal thanks via email!

“‘Earthman, the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for, and run by mice. It was destroyed five minutes before the completion of the purpose for which it was built, and we’ve got to build another one.’

“Only one word registered with Arthur.

“‘Mice?’ he said.

“‘Indeed, Earthman.’

“‘Look, sorry – are we talking about the little white furry things with the cheese fixation and women standing on tables screaming in early sixties sitcoms?’

“Slartibartfast coughed politely.

“‘[…] These creatures you call mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vast hyperintelligent pandimensional beings. The whole business with the cheese and the squeaking is just a front.’

I’ve often got the choice of numbers for languages, but not once have I been asked to choose 1 for English. In fact, it’s never been a choice; Spanish has always been the press 1 choice. But, maybe that’s just me.

I have no doubt that any global warming, cooling, or Goldilocksing is not caused by humans. It’s been happening long before the industrial age and long before human beings existed. To assume that believing the AGW claptrap is permission to continue polluting is erroneous at best. As far as is possible, pollution must stop, but Earth will do what Earth has always done with or without people.

While climate fluctuations are natural occurrences, this particular bout of climate change is the most accelerated ever and coincides perfectly with industrialization. If you look at a graph of natural changes and the current change, you will no longer doubt. // Dan, I hate to point it out but there’s another typo: “I enjoy eating as much as the next person but I’m not obsessed with food to the point that I read about it, watch TV shows about it, and are [*am*] willing to waste large portions of my life waiting for a table at the latest hot restaurant.” That aside, I enjoyed today’s installment – thanks for the laughs! 😀

In 2007, a group of us dined at a restaurant in Mendoza, Argentina that closely approximated the story, if not the motive. It seems that wherever they were the government was trying to shut them down. (This is Argentina. It was about money, not public health.)

The meal was exceptional, the experience a bit too trendy for my taste. I never did know what was served.

I spent 5 minutes trying to scroll down on the wikipedia skywriting article before I realized that the link was a screenshot. Please email me my lost five minutes at your earliest convenience. Thank you.

Self driving cars. Talking restaurant tables. The world’s gone bizzaro. And when a server in a restaurant says “If you need anything my name is ________,” why don’t they ever say what their name is if you don’t need anything?