1006: Boggy Creek II

by Wyn Hilty

This is Rich Man, Poor Man font.Rich Man, Poor Man is a 1976 TV miniseries about the trials and tribulations of the Jordache family, based on the 1970 Irwin Shaw novel of the same name. Directed by Bill “Incredible Hulk” Bixby, it starred Peter Strauss and Nick Nolte.

From the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, Jimmy Clem.The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, located in London, is one of the most prestigious acting schools in the world. Founded in 1904, its graduates include (among many others) Richard Attenborough, Anthony Hopkins, Kenneth Branagh, and Ralph Fiennes.

Yeah, the sun has a hard time getting up when we switch to Daylight Saving Time.Daylight Saving Time, first instituted in the United States in 1918, is the practice of setting clocks forward one hour in the spring and back one hour in the fall. The rationale is to save energy by better aligning the hours most people are up and about with the hours the sun is up; indeed, it was originally introduced worldwide during World War I because nations needed to conserve energy for the war effort. DST has had a complicated history in America: it proved so unpopular that it was repealed in 1919, after the war ended; FDR reinstated it during World War II. In the postwar era, some states observed it and some did not, causing no end of confusion with railway timetables and whatnot; a coherent national schedule was not permanently achieved until 1966, although Congress has continued to tinker with the details over the years.

They’re trying to get a new NASCAR track in here.The National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing (NASCAR) is the largest stock car racing organization in the United States. It sanctions some 1,500 races a year and is one of the most popular sports in the country. It is headquartered in Daytona Beach, Florida.

Jim Stafford’s bath water.Jim Stafford is a musician/comedian who hosted his own TV series (The Jim Stafford Show) in 1975. He has also appeared on other TV shows, including numerous performances on The Tonight Show, and he played “Buffalo Bill” in Show 814,Riding with Death. His best-known song is “Spiders and Snakes,” which hit number 3 in 1974. (Thanks to Scott Schaffner for the Buffalo Bill reference.)

Mostly it’s worms and chiggers.A chigger is a type of mite, a nearly microscopic bug whose bite causes intense and long-lasting itching. Common in the midwestern and southeastern United States, chigger bites bring dread to the hearts of residents of those regions during the summer.

Fur kills? Man, that’s right. It is hot today!“Fur kills” is a popular slogan among anti-fur activists, including PETA and In Defense of Animals.

“Rated very high.” By J.D. Power.J.D. Power and Associates is a marketing services information company that routinely conducts customer satisfaction surveys for major corporations around the globe. The phrase “Rated number 1 in customer satisfaction by J.D. Power and Associates” has cropped up in commercial after commercial, particularly in car ads. It was founded in 1968.

We will march into the Forbidden Zone!A line from the 1970 film Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

[Sung.] It was the third of September …A line from the song “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by the Temptations. Sample lyrics: “It was the third of September/That day I'll always remember, yes I will/'Cause that was the day that my daddy died.”

Ironically, that was Bambi’s stepmother.In the 1942 Disney animated film Bambi, the young deer’s mother is killed by hunters.

Yeah, and meanwhile, his wife is off watching the Chippendale dancers with her girlfriends.Chippendales is a traveling adult erotic dance show featuring male performers, aimed at mostly female audiences. The men are bodybuilders who dance and put on a show before stripping. They have touring companies worldwide, and have a standing act in Vegas. They have spawned a highly successful merchandising line that includes posters, calendars, playing cards, and so forth.

They’re waving giant tribbles.“The Trouble with Tribbles” is an episode of the original Star Trek series, which aired from 1966-1969. In it, the Enterprise is overrun by small round balls of fluff called tribbles. The episode originally aired on December 29, 1967.

Black power.Black power was a major political movement during the 1960s and 1970s that emphasized racial pride and political and economic self-sufficiency. Major figures in the black power movement included Stokely Carmichael and the Black Panthers’ Eldridge Cleaver. The Black Panthers used the clenched fist as their salute; in a 1968 incident, two black athletes at the Olympics gave the clenched fist salute at a medal ceremony and were banned from further participation in Olympic activities.

Your halftime show: Yo-Yo Ma and the entire Bach cello suite!Yo-Yo Ma is an award-winning cellist who began performing at the age of five. In 1983 he recorded Johann Sebastian Bach’s Cello Suites to universal acclaim; he re-recorded them from 1994-1997.

The stadium is built next to a giant Braun coffee grinder.Braun is a manufacturer of small appliances, including coffee grinders and coffee makers, electric shavers, and so forth. It was founded in Frankfurt, Germany, in 1921.

That Razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of the cheese wedge.The Razorback is the school mascot of the University of Arkansas. Fans of the Green Bay Packers football team, based in Green Bay, Wisconsin, wear foam hats shaped like wedges of cheese.

We welcome Accountemps in section four.Accountemps is an enormous temp agency specializing in accountants. It was founded in 1948 and is based in Menlo Park, California, with more than 360 offices worldwide.

“Yes, sir.” I'm ready for some football.Country singer Hank Williams Jr. was approached by ABC in 1989 to change the lyrics of his hit 1985 song “All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight” to promote ABC's Monday NightFootball broadcast. In the retooled version, Williams inquires whether the listener is “ready for some football.” In 2011 Williams appeared on the Fox News Channel and compared President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler in a controversial statement. The resulting controversy led ESPN to announce they would be choosing a new theme song. After his song was pulled from ESPN, Williams recorded a song criticizing Obama, ESPN, and Fox. He called it “Keep the Change.” (Thanks to Erik Topp for this reference.)

It’s the keyboardist from Fame!On the TV series Fame, which ran from 1982-1987, keyboardist Bruno Martelli was played by composer and musician Lee Curreri; he also played the role in the 1980 film on which the television show was based.

Now I’m Bocephus.When Hank Williams Jr. was a child, his father, legendary country-western star Hank Williams Sr., nicknamed him Bocephus, after a famed ventriloquist’s dummy. Williams later recorded a song titled “My Name Is Bocephus.”

Hey, the Tomb of the Unknown Cracker.The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is a memorial, usually containing the remains of an unidentified soldier, who is meant to represent all unidentified or lost military casualties. Many nations have a monument of this sort; the United States’ is located in Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia.

You want this on your Klan account?The Ku Klux Klan has been a couple of secret organizations over the years; the first was founded just after the Civil War as a vigilante group designed to retain white supremacy in the South by intimidating newly freed black slaves. It disappeared within twenty years. But in 1915 the group was revived, inspired by the film The Birth of a Nation, which portrayed the original KKK as a noble band striving to protect civilization from depraved African-Americans. The official uniform of Klan members was a set of white robes and a pointed white mask, used to conceal the identities of the members. The organization peaked at a membership of about 4 million in the 1920s but once again died out by the end of World War II. There was another brief resurgence of the Klan in the 1960s in response to the civil rights movement; today its membership is probably only a few thousand, and it has fragmented into several small and competing groups.

You want to contribute to our fund for the War Against Northern Aggression?The War of Northern Aggression is the term used by some Southerners to describe the U.S. Civil War.

Andy!An imitation of Aunt Beatrice "Bee" Taylor from The Andy Griffith Show, which aired from 1960-1968. It starred Andy Griffith as a widowed sheriff in a small town. Aunt Bee (played by Frances Bavier; 1902-1989) kept house and looked after Andy and his son. (Thanks to Erik Topp for this reference.)

[Sung.] On the wings of a snow white dove/He sends his pure sweet love/A sign from above …From the gospel song “Wings of a Dove.” Sample lyrics: “On the wings of a snow white dove/He sends his pure sweet love/A sign from above/On the wings of a dove.”

It’s the Orval Faubus museum.Orval Faubus (1910-1994) was the Democratic governor of Arkansas for twelve years, from 1954-1966. During his first few months in office, Faubus worked to desegregate public transportation, for which he was attacked by the right wing of his party. As a result, in 1957 he infamously deployed the Arkansas National Guard to prevent black students from attending a white high school in Little Rock. President Dwight Eisenhower ultimately sent in federal troops to enforce the Supreme Court’s ruling to integrate schools. Faubus lost his seat soon after the 1965 Civil Rights Act made it easier for African-Americans to vote.

You’re in so much trouble, jumping over the moon.A reference to the old nursery rhyme: “Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle/The cow jumped over the moon.”

If I’m not mistaken, that’s Jeeeeeeeeeeed!An imitation of Granny Clampett on the sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies, which aired from 1962-1971; the part was played by Irene Ryan (1902-1973). Also a reference to Show 802, TheLeech Woman.

He cuts a dashing figure in his white Panama hat. –Looks like Tom Wolfe.Tom Wolfe is a journalist and author known for such works as The Right Stuff and The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. He is known for dressing all in white, including a jaunty white hat.

Ted Nugent? Slash? Rob Zombie? Cher? –Yeah, Cher.Ted Nugent is a hirsute hard-rock guitarist known for such hit albums as Cat Scratch Fever and Double LiveGonzo! He is equally well known for his right-wing political views, pro-gun advocacy, strong anti-drug stance, and love of hunting. Slash (a.k.a. Saul Hudson) was the lead guitarist for Guns N’ Roses during its heyday. He was known for his wild mane, his top hat, and his blistering guitar solos. Rob Zombie (Robert Cummings) is a musician who has had a successful career as a solo artist and as the founder of metal group White Zombie. In later years he turned to film, directing several horror movies. Cher (born Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre) is a singer and actress who has appeared on various television shows and in films. She first rose to fame as the co-host of a series of TV variety shows with her then-husband, Sonny Bono, where she was known as much for her long shiny hair as for her singing ability.

Well, no more corn liquor on my Total for breakfast.Corn liquor is a grain alcohol, a traditional favorite of moonshiners. Total is a breakfast cereal manufactured by General Mills that boasts it provides 100 percent of the U.S. RDA for twelve different vitamins and minerals.

[Sung.] Hey, we’re driving down the road, looking for a Waffle House, drinking lots of Wild Turkey …Waffle House is a chain of breakfast restaurants founded in 1955; many if not most of its locations are in the South. Wild Turkey is a bourbon whiskey manufactured by Pernod Ricard. It was first distilled in 1905.

That was Alan Jackson.Alan Jackson is a country musician who was extremely popular in the 1990s, with such hits as “Don’t Rock the Jukebox” and “Chattahoochee.”

I’m gonna look at Oui for a while.Oui was a “men’s magazine” featuring photo layouts of nude women, articles about politics and entertainment, lifestyle features, and cartoons. Originally a French magazine named Lui (French for “him”), it was considered a kind of French version of Playboy. In the early 1970s, Playboy published the retitled magazine in the U.S., failed to make a profit, and then dropped it in the early 1980s. In 2007, Oui ceased publication for good.

Thank goodness for the Jeep’s braking distance of five hundred yards.Jeep is the oldest brand of SUV, first produced by Chrysler during World War II. Like most SUVs, they became popular among suburbanites during the 1990s.

Me and the castrato will check this out.A castrato is a male singer who was castrated before reaching puberty, thus retaining the vocal range of a child. As castratos matured, their lack of testosterone caused their ribs to grow abnormally long, which, combined with vocal training, gave them lung capacity and breath control far superior to other singers. Once common in Italy (it was an opera thing), the practice was outlawed in 1870. The last castrato, Alessandro Moreschi, died in 1922; he made some recordings before he died, if you want to hear what he sounded like. They're available online.

We need to work on your camel toe, son.Camel toe is a slang term used to describe the appearance of female genitalia when pressed into extremely tight-fitting trousers, shorts, or swimwear.

“We’re close to the swamp.” Okay, Ponce de León.Juan Ponce de León (1474-1521) was a Spanish conquistador who accompanied Christopher Columbus on his second voyage to the New World. He became the governor of Puerto Rico and headed the first European exploration of Florida in 1513.

Robin Williams!Robin Williams (1951-2014) was a hirsute actor and comedian who got his start on the TV series Mork & Mindy and later appeared in a variety of movies both serious and comic.

Fortunately, he was wearing Pull-Ups because of his frequent blowouts.Pull-Ups are a brand of one-piece, disposable diapers used for toilet training small children.

Oh, there’s my johnnycake pan.Johnnycake is a kind of flatbread made with cornmeal. It originated with Native Americans and was a staple food of early American settlers.

The woods are just crammed with those Y2K survivalists.In the 1990s, programmers began to realize that many computers relying on two-digit dates (for example, “99” for “1999”) were going to have a problem at the turn of the century, e.g., conceivably reading “01” as “1901” and wreaking havoc at banks, energy companies, nuclear power plants, etc. This became known as the Year 2000 problem, or Y2K for short. Some people became convinced that the problem would lead to a complete collapse of technology and began hoarding money and preparing to go back to the land; as it turned out, the world survived the changeover with scarcely a hiccup.

Ken Burns’s six-part series Tire Changing.Documentary filmmaker Ken Burns has created several multi-part documentaries that have aired on PBS to critical and popular acclaim, the best known of which is his 1990 miniseries The Civil War, which aired in nine parts.

Could be Bernie Taupin, could be a Pilates machine, anything!Bernie Taupin is the longtime lyricist for British musician Elton John; his songs include “Rocket Man,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Candle in the Wind,” and many other hits. Pilates is a fitness system created in the early 20th century by Joseph Pilates; it became popular again in the late 1990s.

I’m gonna download Pong. It should only take about seven hours.Pong was one of the first, if not the first, video games. It was essentially an electronic version of table tennis: each player had a “paddle” and they bounced a little “ball” between them.

It’s William Perry!William “The Refrigerator” Perry is a former professional football player best known for his long tenure with the Chicago Bears (1985-1993) and for his gargantuan size (6’2”, 382 pounds).

Lucy Braless.Lucy Lawless is a New Zealand actress best known for playing the Amazonian warrior Xena on the syndicated TV series Xena: Warrior Princess (1995-2001).

Wow, someone had a huge Toblerone bar.Toblerone is a triangular chocolate bar made by Swiss candy manufacturer Tobler.

A bunch of Shmoos are attacking.The Shmoo was a creature that appeared periodically in the Al Capp comic strip “L’il Abner”; its first appearance was in 1948. The Shmoo (official plural: Shmoon) loved being eaten and tasted like whatever people wanted. But paradoxically, their ready availability caused society to break down because people stopped working, and they were hunted almost to extinction. Shmoo merchandise was popular in the 1950s.

Would you get rid of Missile Command?Missile Command is an early video game released by Atari in 1980, in which the player tries to destroy falling missiles before they can reach the bottom of the screen. It still has devotees today and has been released on numerous platforms, including Game Boy and Playstation.

Viv Savage, research assistant.Viv Savage (played by David Kaff) was the keyboardist for the band Spinal Tap in the 1984 mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap. In one scene in the film, he is shown playing a video game on the band’s tour bus and exclaiming, “Quite exciting, this computer magic!”

The short, short trailer!The Long, Long Trailer is a 1954 film starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz as a couple on their honeymoon in a trailer.

The Target website is boring.Target is a nationwide chain of discount stores; the first Target opened in 1962. Its logo is a series of red and white concentric circles.

Where do you want to go today? How about Arkansas?“Where do you want to go today?” is an advertising slogan for Microsoft Corp. dating to 1996.

Oh, Woodsy’s out there, and he’s yelling at someone for littering.Woodsy Owl is the spokescreature for the USDA Forest Service. Woodsy has been urging environmental action since 1970 with the slogan “Give a hoot, don’t pollute.”

You’ve got monster.“You’ve got mail!” is the soundbite used by America Online to inform its users of new email; voiceover professional El Edwards supplied the voice. The phrase became so well known that it was used as the title of a 1998 film starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

My computer performed an illegal operation?“This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down” is the message generated in response to a general protection fault in the Windows 95 or Windows 98 operating system. The error message is usually accompanied by a warning sound from the computer and an expletive from the user. (Thanks to Erik Topp for this reference.)

I am doing great at this FreeCell game!FreeCell is a variant of solitaire that became popular in the computer world after Microsoft included it in its Windows operating system package. In the game, you deal the cards into eight columns, with the goal being to move all the cards onto four “foundation” piles by suit.

It’s a menorah.A menorah is a nine-branched candelabrum used in the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah, which is observed over the course of eight nights and days. Also called “The Festival of Lights,” observance of Hanukkah involves the daily lighting of candles, one for each day of the holiday, and one in the center to light them all.

With this Sheaffer pen.Sheaffer is a manufacturer of fine pens; it was founded in Fort Madison, Iowa, by W.A. Sheaffer in 1912.

Where’s the Lawgiver?A reference to the Planet of the Apes films; the Lawgiver was sort of the Moses of ape society. Although he is mentioned in the first two films, he is not seen until the third movie, Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973).

You feel lucky, punk?This is a paraphrase of the famous line from the 1971 film Dirty Harry, starring Clint Eastwood. The full line: “I know what you’re thinking: Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

B.F. Skinner’s attack pigeon!Harvard psychologist B.F. Skinner (1904-1990) was a behaviorist best known for the “Skinner box,” a chamber used in conducting animal psychology experiments. During World War II, he headed up Project Pigeon (or Project Orcon, as it was less jovially known), which attempted to train pigeons to guide fired missiles to their targets. The project was canceled in 1944, briefly revived in 1948, and finally killed for good in 1953.

Pat Conroy at home.Pat Conroy is an American novelist whose books tend to revolve around military life, dysfunctional families, and life in the South—sometimes all three. His notable works include The Great Santini, about a Marine fighter pilot who is an abusive father to his two children; The Lords of Discipline, which reflected Conroy’s experiences as a graduate of the Citadel military college; and The Prince of Tides, about a man who tries to help his suicidal sister come to terms with their tragic family history.

Oh, no, the South is going to do it again!“The South’s Gonna Do It Again” is a song by the Charlie Daniels Band. Sample lyrics: “Well you can be proud, hear now/Be proud you’re a rebel/Cause the South’s gonna do it again and again.”

Natalie Imbruglia looks different without her makeup.Natalie Imbruglia is an Australian indie rock singer whose 1997 album Left of the Middle sold seven million copies worldwide.

Should I back up the Renuzit truck?Renuzit is a brand of air fresheners manufactured by the Dial Corporation.

Is this the Miller’s Tale, Mike?The Miller’s Tale is the second in Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, written about 1380-1390. It contains much scatological and sexual humor, including ass kissing (literally), urinating, and fart jokes.

For a transcript of the poop scene, send $2.99 to Journal Graphics.Journal Graphics Inc. is a New York City company that sells transcripts of television talk and public affairs shows. A phrase similar to the one above has appeared during many a show’s closing credits.

I’ll just have a Frappuccino.Frappuccinos are a line of cold drinks served by Starbucks, consisting of ice blended with coffee and other flavors.

I hope we’re having whipped kudzu for dinner.Kudzu is a climbing, coiling vine in the pea family that is technically edible but considered by many to be a weed because it grows so fast it kills other plants. In the South kudzu is considered a scourge; farmers were encouraged to plant it from the 1930s to the 1950s to reduce soil erosion, but it quickly took over vast swaths of the countryside.

Suddenly, I was attacked by a Muppet.The Muppets were the half-puppet, half-marionette creatures that appeared on the TV shows Sesame Street and The Muppet Show; they were created by Jim Henson (1936-1990). Famous Muppets include Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and Grover.

Where’s the money, you son of a bitch?Possibly a reference to the opening scene of the 1998 comedy film The Big Lebowski, where, in a case of mistaken identity, two thugs strong-arm the movie’s protagonist, constantly shouting, “Where’s the money, Lebowski? Where’s the money, shithead?”

Sorry—he just started on the Ritalin.Ritalin (methylphenidate) is a medication used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The medication became widely prescribed during the 1990s, to the dismay of some who thought children were being overdiagnosed.

Shazam!An imitation of bumbling Marine Gomer Pyle (played by Jim Nabors) on the TV series Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., which aired from 1964-1969.

“I bet he’s lived on the bottoms all his life.” Sam and Timothy?Sam Bottoms (1955-2008) and Timothy Bottoms are brothers in an acting family that also includes Joseph and Ben Bottoms. Timothy (The Last Picture Show, The Paper Chase) is probably the best known; Sam appeared in ApocalypseNow and The Outlaw Josey Wales, among others.

Tanita Tikaram, naturalist.Tanita Tikaram is a British folk/pop singer best known for the songs “Twist in My Sobriety” and “Good Tradition,” both off her 1988 debut album Ancient Heart.

Hey, they’re using their Jeep to do things! I thought you only drive those things to Starbucks.Jeep is the oldest brand of SUV, first produced by Chrysler during World War II. Like most SUVs, they became popular among suburbanites during the 1990s. Also popular among suburbanites during the 1990s was Starbucks, a Seattle, Washington-based chain of coffee shops that was founded in 1971; as of 2015, it boasted more than 22,000 locations worldwide.

It’s the Arkansas remake of Wages of Fear.The Wages of Fear is a 1953 French film about a group of men hired to transport a shipment of nitroglycerin under highly unsafe conditions.

Checking on the land they bought from the Clintons.During the 1970s, when Bill Clinton was governor of Arkansas, he and his wife, Hillary, bought some land along the White River in Arkansas and, with other partners, formed the Whitewater Development Corporation, hoping to develop the land into vacation properties. The venture lost money, but later allegations of financial improprieties sparked investigations during Clinton’s presidency and led ultimately (and very indirectly) to his impeachment by the House of Representatives.

Time for Dharma & Greg.Dharma & Greg was a TV sitcom starring Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson as a mismatched young couple; the show aired from 1997-2002.

"A wolf?" Will it survive?A reference to the 1984 Los Lobos song “Will the Wolf Survive?”; the song was also recorded by Waylon Jennings in 1986.

Apparently Candie’s made a hiking boot.Candie’s is a brand of women’s shoes that first became popular in the 1970s with its iconic wooden-bottom high heel slide shoe, called the Candie.

I’m the Mack Truck bulldog. Ruff.Mack trucks, first designed in 1914, have used a bulldog as their mascot for more than 80 years, appearing both on their logo and as hood ornaments.

Two butch-looking women not in a Subaru? Something’s wrong here.The Subaru car company has long targeted gay customers, running ads with tag lines like “It’s not a choice. It’s the way we’re built.” Its cars, especially its Outback and Forester models, have become popular with lesbians in particular, with one gay marketing firm dubbing them “Lesbarus.”

All her woodland friends are laughing at her.This may be a reference to Tarzan, the king of the jungle created by pulp author Edgar Rice Burroughs in a series of novels, who had the ability to call on various beasts to help him when he needed them.

McLintock!McLintock is a 1963 film starring John Wayne as a rancher and Maureen O’Hara as his estranged wife; the film’s infamous climax features a brawl in a mud pit, with Wayne ultimately winning his wife back with a good spanking.

Ranger Rick goes berserk.Ranger Rick Magazine is a children’s magazine published by the National Wildlife Federation. Its namesake mascot is a small raccoon.

They’re not shooting day for night. More like 4:30 for 5 o’clock.Day for night, also known as nuit Americaine (“American night”), is a movie technique used to simulate the darkness of night. In its cheapest form, day for night means simply shooting a scene in broad daylight and then adjusting the brightness and contrast to make the scene appear to be taking place at night. B-movies used the technique a lot, usually with results that were laughably unconvincing.

Now they stumble on the Rose Law Firm billing records.A major controversy during the Whitewater investigation (see above note) was what happened to some billing records of the Rose Law Firm, where Hillary Clinton worked as a lawyer in the 1980s. Whitewater investigators had sought the records for two years before they were “discovered” by an aide, who said they must have been inadvertently packed away. The Clintons claimed it was an honest mistake; their critics screamed obstruction of justice and cover-up.

You know, I’m at least as tense as I was during A Very Brady Christmas.A Very Brady Christmas is a 1988 TV movie that reunited the cast of the original Brady Bunch TV series (except for Susan Olsen, who played Cindy Brady). The plot revolved around the many obstacles faced by the kids in attempting to make it home for Christmas.

Remember Tanya just had reconstructive knee surgery?Possibly an inverted reference to figure skater Tonya Harding. Harding won the national championship twice; she is the only American female skater to complete a triple axel jump in competition. She is infamous for allegedly conspiring to injure fellow skater Nancy Kerrigan; about a month before the 1994 Olympics, Kerrigan was attacked by a man wielding a length of pipe (some stories said it was a collapsible police baton), injuring her knee. Harding almost lost her spot on the Olympic team but competed after she threatened legal action. She finished eighth; Kerrigan finished second. Harding ultimately pleaded guilty to conspiring to hinder police prosecution of the attackers; her husband, bodyguard, and two other men went to prison, while Harding received probation and was banned from skating for life.

[Sung.] Theme from Patton.Jerry Goldsmith composed the score for the 1970 biopic Patton. Goldsmith’s grandiosely constructed march and echoing trumpets capture the character and complexity of General George S. Patton. (Thanks to Erik Topp for this reference.)

Now this is the boat they should have taken over that mountain in Fitzcarraldo.Fitzcarraldo is a 1982 film directed by Werner Herzog and starring Klaus Kinski as an aspiring rubber baron who attempts to haul a steamship overland to reach a rich rubber territory in Peru. The boat in the film is three stories tall, weighing a whopping 320 tons.

Hey, Mark Knopfler is hot!Mark Knopfler was the lead guitarist and vocalist for the rock band Dire Straits. Since the band broke up in 1995, Knopfler has pursued a successful solo career and also scored a number of films.

Is this a Bond film all of a sudden?The James Bond film franchise, which began in 1962 with Dr. No, with Sean Connery playing the suave superspy, is known for spectacular high-tech chase scenes. Although there have been several Bond films featuring elaborate boat chases, probably the most famous was in 1973’s Liveand Let Die.

Wanna help us oppose Jet Ski regulation? –Take away your Jet Ski, let’s see how you like the water now, huh? –Well, given Jet Ski odds, he’s only got a couple of weeks left anyway.Kind of a “motorcycle on the water,” a Jet Ski is a personal watercraft made by Kawasaki, but the name is often attached to any similar personal watercraft. Because they are loud, fast, and spew engine exhaust, the use of Jet Skis is often banned or regulated on public lakes and waterways.

The Tiny Muddy.The Big Muddy River is a river in Illinois that joins the Mississippi River just south of Murphysboro.

“Crenshaw’s.” Be careful. He could be practicing his short game.Ben Crenshaw is a professional golfer and golf course designer. “Short game” refers to practicing one’s putting on the green, as opposed to practicing driving the ball for long distances.

It’s the Berserker residence.Berserkers are the stuff of ancient Norse legend. They were warriors who, in the heat of battle, went into an uncontrollable, unrelentingly violent trance-like state. Berserker is the origin of the English word “berserk.”

Is this the one they call Tim?In the 1975 comedy film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a goat-horned sorcerer who can “summon fire without flint or tinder” is asked his name, to which he replies, “There are some who call me …Tim?”

Doc, why don’t you take the skin chair?Ed Gein (1906-1984) was a notorious Wisconsin serial killer. In 1957 police discovered the headless body of a local shopkeeper hanging in the kitchen of Gein’s farmhouse outside Plainfield, Wisconsin. They searched the house and found belts, lampshades, bowls, and other items fashioned from body parts—including a chair whose seat had been upholstered in human skin. Gein confessed to the murders of only two women, although he was suspected in four other cases; most of his “trophies” had been obtained by exhuming recently buried corpses from the local graveyard. Gein was committed to a psychiatric hospital and remained there until he died, 27 years later. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), which was loosely based on the Gein case, also featured a chair upholstered in human skin.

Randy Johnson’s dad.Randy Johnson was a longtime pitcher for the Seattle Mariners (1989-1998) and later for the Arizona Diamondbacks; he retired in 2009. He is known for his height (6'10"), unruly hair, and shaggy mustache.

No, but I was a Beastie Boy.The Beastie Boys were a hip-hop trio known for such hits as “Fight for Your Right” and “Hey Ladies.” They formed in 1981 and performed together for the next 31 years, until vocalist and bass player Adam “MCA” Yauch died of cancer in 2012, shortly after the group was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I think he’s getting the creature mixed up with the Allman Brothers.The Allman Brothers Band, consisting of Duane and Gregg Allman, Dickey Betts, Berry Oakley, Butch Trucks, and Jaimoe, released several blues-rock albums in the early 1970s; the third, titled Live at the Fillmore East, went gold only a few days before Duane Allman died in a motorcycle accident.

I am the NRA.In 1998, the National Rifle Association (NRA) launched an ad campaign that featured pictures of well-known NRA members such as Charlton Heston (at the time recently elected president of the organization), actor Tom Selleck, and Congressman Steve Largent, accompanied by the slogan “I am the NRA.”

The chunky Rembrandt.Dutch artist Rembrandt van Rijn (1606-1669) painted more than 90 self-portraits over the course of his career; many of the later portraits show him with long straggly hair and a ragged mustache.

You kidnapped Gene Shalit!Gene Shalit is the longtime film, theater, and art critic on the Today Show. He has famously wild, dark, curly hair.

Boy, Thor has really hit the skids.Thor is the god of thunder in Norse mythology, generally depicted as a huge man with wild red hair and a beard, wielding the giant hammer with which he made thunder and lightning. Marvel Comics created a character based on the god in 1962, although their version showed him with flowing golden locks.

Kent Hrbek, three months after retirement.Kent Hrbek was the longtime first baseman for the Minnesota Twins. He retired in 1994 after playing with the team for thirteen years and went on to host a TV sports program called Kent Hrbek Outdoors.

Snap into a Slim Jim!Slim Jim is a brand of meat snack sticks. Until the late 1990s, the Slim Jim spokesman was pro wrestler “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Each commercial ended with Savage bellowing, “Snap into a Slim Jim!”

Oh, it’s just Ron Perlman.Ron Perlman is a burly actor who played the deformed Vincent on TV’s Beauty and the Beast, which aired from 1987-1990. He has appeared in many movies since then, including Alien: Resurrection and Hellboy.

Got a plug of Red Man here for you.Red Man is a brand of chewing tobacco.

Sunday Times ever show up?A reference to the famously large Sunday edition of The New York Times newspaper.

“Looks like I’m going to fall into the same category as other people have done in this area for years and years.” Ken Starr witness.Ken Starr was the special prosecutor appointed by the Justice Department to investigate the Whitewater land deals involving Bill and Hillary Clinton (see above note). His investigation became wide-ranging and soon he began looking into multiple unrelated scandals, which ultimately led to Clinton’s impeachment by the House of Representatives on charges of lying under oath about his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky (he was acquitted in the Senate).

[Sung.] Song from above/On the wings of a dove/wings of a dove.See above note on “Wings of a Dove.”