Chelsea Handler vs. Taylor Swift

Today in celebrity gossip: Taylor Swift has another famous lady talking smack about her, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are on a break, and Terrence Howard has a big crush on Oprah.

Uh oh. Not three days after country teen turned pop twentysomething Taylor Swift lashed out a bit at Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for making a joke about her dating life at the Golden Globes, she has another celebrity cracking wise about her sex life. Ancient comedienne Chelsea Handler was on Andy Cohen's long-running snuff film Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday night and said the following about Ms. Swift and her well-populated dating life: "My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it.' And they're like, 'Oh, well, forget it. Then I don't want to date you.' Every guy thinks they're going to devirginize her, and they're not. She's never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever." So, that's great. A really funny, original joke, capped off by a blisteringly timely reference to Taylor Swift's song "We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together." Isn't that fun? What a good feud. Swift hasn't officially responded yet, but some think the new single she leaked last night, "Hack Comedian With a Sack Full of Jokes from 2007" may be about Ms. Handler. I personally think it's about Jake Gyllenhaal, but that's just me. [Us Weekly]

Dreamy former vampire Robert Pattinson is currently in Australia filming a new movie, and he has apparently "banned" his on-again, off-again girlfriend Kristen Stewart from visiting him on the set. Pattinson is looking at the seven-week shoot as something of a break, but Stewart, according to someone who probably made this all up while wheezing on a couch somewhere, is not taking it lying down. She's been calling and texting a lot and getting angry when he doesn't answer, which is causing even more of a problem. Will they survive this? Who knows. Stewart was seen going to a club in Los Angeles on Tuesday night with Taylor Lautner, meaning she's wisely getting the counsel and support of her best galpals. Meanwhile Stewart is focusing on his role as "a common criminal with rotting teeth." Aha. A true stretch from his role in Twilight, in which he played an uncommon criminal with magic teeth. (He was a criminal. He'd murdered so many people.) We wish them both luck. [Daily Mail]

Actor and baby wipes spokesperson Terrence Howard has been on a tear lately, talking in various interviews about how sexy he finds Oprah, with whom he has a sex scene in the upcoming film The Butler. Nothing wrong with finding Oprah sexy, but the way he's talking about the Queen of America is a bit lewd or lurid for a woman of her stature. First he was did a junket interview in which he referenced his love of Oprah's "tig ol' bitties." And then today he went on Good Day New York and said that filming the scene was "like making love to the most beautiful queen in the world." Which, OK, so that praise is a little more elevated and befitting of Oprah's status, but still. It's on a cheap morning show. If one wants to extol the virtues of Queen Oprah's resplendent sexuality, one should probably inscribe it in stone somewhere and build a temple around it. There's a time and place for this kind of talk about Oprah, and I just don't know that press events for some junky action movie are the proper context. That's all. If he wants to do a PBS documentary about how "voluptuous" Oprah is, that's fine. But Good Morning NY is beneath our lord and savior. [TMZ; Twitter]

Well, Brooklyn Decker is continuing this whole acting thing, I guess. The Sports Illustrated model and wife of Andy Roddick has had a few movie roles before — in Krzysztof Kieślowski's acclaimed trilogy Just Go With It, Battleship, and What to Expect When You're Expecting — and appeared on a few TV shows, but now she's got a show of her own. Well, she has to share with Kevin Connolly and James Van Der Beek, but if you have to share with anyone, those are the actors you want. They'll all be on the CBS pilot Friends With Better Lives, on which Decker will play a former model. So it's a bit of a stretch, but this versatile performer should prove up to the task. [Page Six]

Jennifer Lopez is trying to get her kids into fancy private schools in Los Angeles right now, a task that lucky poor people don't have to worry about. They can just send their kids to whatever public school is nearby. But not J.Lo and company. No, they have to bow and scrape and beg and plead and donate donate donate just to get their kids into a $33,000/year kindergarten class. And J.Lo has two of them, at the same time! Her first choice for her 5-year-old twins is the Buckley School in Sherman Oaks, considered by some to be the best in the city. I mean, its graduates include "Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, [and] Nicole Richie." Which... Wait, those were the best examples TMZ could come up with? A quick scan of the school's Wikipedia page shows that other graduates include Laura Dern, Paul Thomas Anderson, and Rashida Jones. So maybe lead with those ones, instead of the three jerks listed above. At least they didn't mention Bret Easton Ellis and Kimberly Stewart. If that was advertised too loudly no one would want to go to the school. And then what would be the point of trying to get your kids in? [TMZ]

Hey look, Naomi Watts has a new haircut. It's shorter than it used to be, which is usually how haircuts work. It's unclear if this is for a role or what, but it looks good! I mean, it looks mostly the same, but it does look good. [People]

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