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Scientists at CERN’s research centre have made a startling discovery after firing the sibling politicians together at one of the speeds of light in the Large Hadron Collider.

“It was a mistake while they were here on a team-building exercise. As it turns out, they were already on a collision course, we just had to speed them up a little.

“A row broke out between them, a really tedious one. It was all ‘I’d quite like to go first’, and ‘I understand your argument, but I would like to suggest an alternative arrangement’. After 20 minutes or so, we got so fed up we just slammed the door and hit the button.”

“But once the two had disappeared up each other, we looked at the gauges. We’d finally discovered something: anti-policy particles. If any of these little babies comes into contact with a useful policy, or even a half formed good idea, it immediately converts it into bullshit, by vastly increasing its rate of spin.”