How to woo with wit on Twitter

Use the material you're given Never before have the inner workings of the opposite
sex's mind been laid so bare. Scan her timeline to see what makes
her laugh. One friend has dated several men she's met via tweeting
while watching Newsnight. But limit it to one or two
girls - you don't want her to see a scattergun fire of vaguely
sexual replies to any avatar with a flash of cleavage.

Make it clear you're being funny
Use emoticons, asterisks and "PS" follow-ups. Yes, even if they're
against everything you stand for. It's perilously easy to type
"Nice picture. Who cut your hair - the NHS?" and get blocked when
all you meant was, "God, you're pretty." A closed-asterisk
follow-up like *hides under desk giggling* shows you're making
a daft joke.

Even though you're both just being funny, we all still
know you're flirting
Twitter is never private. You may think you're riffing
amusingly about The Great British Bake-Off, with a
clandestine bubbling undertone of hot, extra-marital sex, but we
can all see you. Total strangers will hammer this home by shouting:
"Get a room" and other cock-block tactics.

Keep things fresh
Twitter moves quickly. Just because you struck lucky with a tweet
she loved one day, don't keep returning with the same type of gag
thinking it's your little "in joke". It comes across as a bit
predatory. You want to be the guy breezily rolling with news,
gossip and quick-fire bons mots, not someone honking, "Hey,
Julie, remember that funny tweet? Well, here I am again!"

Don't try to be Charlie Brooker
Brooker's lovable, mega-successful style of misanthropy rests
with the fact he's a skilled writer, subtly mixing hard
statements with self-effacement and silliness. You're not him.
Simply roaring "Simon Cowell should be dipped in acid!" at her
while she's watching The X Factor makes you
look like you're tweeting from Rampton.

Follow Grace Dent on Twitter @gracedent. Her book How To Leave Twitter: My
Time As Queen Of The Universe And Why This Must Stop (Faber &
Faber) is out now.