Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I can feel the presence of God

One day at a time. Yesterday I woke up with my mind in full bloom of all the things I "have" to get done. In reality, I really did not "have" to do anything -- my mind argued this and the illusion that my life will be in order once the floors are mopped, counters wiped, draweres organized, etc I yielded to. I forced myself out of bed. I bathed Olive, took over 2 hours, started to feel better. Still so many things that are irrelevant to the core of my happiness made me feel ill. I made it to coffee with some close friends I graduated college with. They all know I am in recovery. I was close to canceling, I did not want to go. Why, because isolation seemed more inviting. The need to fix my environment appeared to be paramount. Yuck! I went and was 30 minutes late because I had to sweep and mop the floors. In the end, it felt so darn good to see them and once I was out of my environment I was OK.

I started to perk again throughout the day, those clouds were dissipating. Had a wonderful dinner with Mitch. We then took Olive to the park and I broke down, again. Arrgggghhh. I talked to God last night. I feel I am having a hard time embracing His presence in my life. I feel disconnected. Last night I asked Him to enter my being again, to please search my heart and help me embrace His love.

I was inspired by Friday's speaker at Crown to search for the presence of God daily in my life. Saturday night it began even before I prayed. I heard it at dinner through Mitch's voice. With the environment loud, his voice raised creating a certain tone I am attractive to. With his head slightly tilted I had a glimpse of a sparkle in his eye with the scar. The blood in my veins warmed my soul, I was out of myself. Most of the time I cannot or do not see it. I was alive in that single moment and felt the presence of God. It happened again today as I looked at my dog, Olive, and felt her beauty. She lay on the bed, I was mesmerized by her statue, her cold black wet nose, the contrast of her white hair on her muzzle against her shiny soft black coat, again I felt God.

The power of prayer, when it is from my heart, is amazing. I woke up this morning and felt different. I went to Sunrise, heard many things that God needs me to hear today, right NOW. I was able to speak to my sponsor after the meeting and again there was God -- I was seeing, feeling, smelling God. I told her about my extremes, my funk and that my OCD-like behavior is consuming all of me -- it is a big part of my extremes. I am a slave to it, my World stops and moods alter immediately when I get the NEED to fix things, to clean and correct, to massage all objects in their place around me. The thoughts are so irrational, and echo in my head like a scratch on a CD. They stop me in my tracks. It is getting worse daily and quickly. It is everywhere I step foot in. I broke down to her and confessed about my evaluation appointment I have this Thursday. She had some wonderful things to tell me and I cannot express the gratitude I have for her in my life. todAAy I am grAAteful 4:* God and His Grace* Mel and Alexis, the few of us that still remain sober from the house 9 months ago and the opportunity to trudge with them* Ed's meeting and all the people and recovery there* Mitch and his unconditional love and support for me through all my ups and downs* My kick ass sponsor, how blessed I am to have a wonderful mentor* My normie buddy's, May A whom I can get honest with and have no fear that she will judge me, Mike B who makes me laugh and supports my search for God, Shelle L for being my "dude"* Budda, Asia, Nic and Boo Bear (our 4 monster cats)* Boot Camp and Eric's energy and motivation* My health minus my Baker's cyst -- but I know it could be much worse* All the blogging peeps, I speak about this entity often and am blessed to be a part of it* Growth and being teachable

Still sober and abstinent -- thank you God for loving me even when I fail short to love you back.

What an honest post. A real look into the soul of a recovering alcoholic. I have had many days like the ones you describe in your post. Some of them not too long ago. I find it difficult to maintain a constant connection to HP. It seems most difficult to do when I am going thru some crud, and I just want to isolate and stare at the problem, rather than seek the solution in my HP. Great post, thanks for sharing your stuff!

Oh Sober,you are so beautiful.Your honesty touches all who feel it and I just want you to know how much I appreciate all you share.I isolated myself and life from the outside world for a couple of years after my Mom passed away.I thought I was just taking care of myself and healing but after that long , it turned to isolating.I needed to get out more.I took baby steps...just going to the beach or lunch,,,camping..!noting extreme but still it makes me feel so free and at ease.I am wishing you a wellness and courage to get through this .Thanks for sharing~

Your post reminded me of a story. I was fretting one day of all the things I had to do. How will I get this all done. It felt so huge. I - of course - was told to make a list. When I did I had 2 items on it. I could only laugh at myself and the insanity of my thinking. No matter how long I stay sober my thoughts can easily take over reality. I really can relate to having the surroundings taken care of. Perfectionism. I am working to find a balance. I do believe there is a need for organization and cleanliness - it should not rule my world though.