When Joy becomes Fear

I was excited and nervous all at once the day I found out a new life was about to begin. We had just begun talking about adding to the family the week before. I never thought something could kill that joy until world events brought fear into the mix in one heartbeat.

A new adventure is about to begin

On September 5th, 2001, I woke up not feeling my typical self. I knew what it had to be even though I was not sure I was ready for this new journey. My husband and I had a rough first year and a half of marriage, adding a baby to the mix would test our limits for sure. But it wasn’t like we would be mad or disappointed to have a little one to love.

I picked up a test on my way to the bridal shop I worked at. I had time to do what I had to before work. I know it was unorthodox, to take a pregnancy test in the work bathroom, but I knew there was NO WAY I could wait all day. Sure enough, within a minute, I had my answer. Our two was about to become three.

The first person I told was my boss. I couldn’t contain the sudden rush of excitement bubbling over in me. I then called the local flower shop and had a balloon sent to the factory where my husband and father-in-law worked. The balloon said “Congratulations” on it, but the card said “Guess What?” On one side and “You’re going to be a daddy” on the other.

After we both got out of work, we went to the store to pick up a birthday card for my dad. His birthday is the 5th. It said “Happy Birthday, Grandpa” on the front. He missed it at first. It was how we signed it that made him look back at the front. He has the card to this day.

We went out for dinner as a family and joy filled the air. This baby would be the first grandchild on all side of the family.

God, I feel robbed

The week that followed was full of laughter as we told each family member. This was pre-Facebook (Can you imagine that time? Me neither) so we had to inform everyone by phone or face-to-face. We felt honored to be given the responsibility of training up the child. To love him or her without conditions. I was surprised at how protective I felt over the little one and I hadn’t met them yet.

Then, a week later, it all changed.

I turned on my television so that I could watch the news while I ironed my pants for work. The image I saw made me think of a movie. It took a second to see that I was watching live video. I was shocked, horrified, and confused. As the story unfolded, my joy vanished. The joy of a coming arrival was replaced with dread and sadness. This was not the world I wanted for my child. I knew they would not have the childhood I did.

I could feel the shift in my bones as all the dreams I had for my baby died. The desire to be a mother ceased. I sat in the chair, watching the images flash. Sadness for my unborn child was followed by a request I didn’t want to make. “Lord, please don’t ask me to bring a child into this world. They don’t deserve this.”

The Gift

I shared with someone, I cannot remember who, my feelings about bringing a child into this fallen world. Her words brought comfort to my hurting heart. It opened the door for me to enjoy this time in my life again, no matter what was going on in the world.

She said, “Missy, your baby is a gift. A gift designed just for you and your husband to nurture. It will bring you joy to your family and bring comfort in times of trial. This baby is a gift on loan, though. The child belongs to God, so let God handle the things you can’t and you two raise it on the Word.”

She was right. God was loaning us this child. It wasn’t our own. It was His before it was ours. He would take care of us and the child, and any other children that came along, no matter what. He would hold us in His hands. Just like He promised in Jeremiah 29:11. (That was when it be came our family verse.)

What about you? Do you find yourself struggling to enjoy something God has given you in the midst of destruction? Are having a hard time seeing the hand of God move in your life? Let me encourage you to step out in faith and trust our Creator. He holds us in His hands and they are big enough to carry what ever we put in them.

Melissa resides in a small mid-Michigan farm community with her husband, three children, two cats, and three dogs. Besides writing, she enjoys reading, taking photos, and spending time with her husband. She began writing in 2014 when she felt the need to put pen to paper when a story would not leave her alone. These stories continue not only inspire readers but the author who writes them. Her hope is that each story touches your heart, gives you hope, or just gives you a moment away from the chaos of life.

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Related

8 Comments

Joyce Graves
on September 11, 2017 at 6:44 am

Melissa, thank you for sharing your memories of September 11, 2001 and the impact that the horrific event had upon you at that time. It is a day in American history when we can all recall where we were and what we were doing.

As you were beginning a new life-journey, anticipating the addition of your first child, the tragedy of that day put you in a very dark place. I am thankful that you listened to the wise counsel of a good friend. The most important thing to remember always is that He is in control.

We are so blessed to have you as a part of our Heart”wings” blog team ministry as we send our testimonies and messages of faith, hope, and love into an often dark and troubled world. As we shine His light we pray that our readers will be drawn closer to God through our blog messages so that they may be used for His glory and purpose. j

Melissa, what a beautiful and timely post this morning…a praise and glory to God in the midst of all of our tearful remembering. And I understand your fear. On the morning of September 11, 2001, I lived in Army housing at Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas, taking care of my two grandchildren…one a year old, the other 5.

Our daughter…their mother…had suddenly passed away in February of that year.

While getting the five year old ready for kindergarten, I remember my son-in-law shouting for me to get to the living room…NOW! I remember seeing the burning building, and then a second plane crashed and hearing about the third. The horror. The cries. And like you, my heart filled with fear. Fear for all the men and women surrounding me that I knew would be called into action. Fear for their children…for my children…both son and son-in-law are military…and fear for our nation.

But God always has a purpose and a plan. I began meeting with the Pioneer Women of the Chapel…a wonderful, group of Christian military wives who for long years have met to study the Word. And over the course of that year God taught me so many life lessons it will take a book to recount.

I remember sitting in the middle of my bed one night during that time, doing my Precept homework and feeling sorry for myself, and frightened for my children and grandchildren, when I read “If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out, then how can you compete with horses? If you fall down in a land of peace, how will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?” (Jeremiah 12:5)

Sitting in the comfort of a warm room, on a military post in Kansas, surrounded by patriot soldiers, and protected by the Sovereign God of the whole universe who spoke loud and clear through His Word. “Fear not!”

And I pass that message on to each one of you reading this post today. God is still and always will be on the Throne…Fear Not!

Oh the joy! And Satan is such a thief, I guess he tells many mothers that to steal their joy. I adore that photo of you with your new precious gift! Can’t wait to hug your neck, Melissa! You’re very special! <3