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Monday, September 04, 2006

What makes a good mother?

On one of my lists, we've been talking about whether or not we were/are good mothers. We've discovered that none of us lived up to our own expectations.

I always thought, growing up, that I’d be a great mother. I was wrong. I didn’t spend my days down on the floor playing CandyLand or Barbie with my daughters, or Battleship with my sons.

Well, okay, I did once in a while, but in my mind a great mother would do this all day, every day. And somehow, along the way, she would keep the house spotless, the laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away. Dinner would be on the table at six on the dot, perfectly cooked, perfectly balanced nutritionally. The kids would get baths every night and would go straight to bed with no fuss after the perfect mother read them two bedtime stories. And she would never, ever forget to make them brush their teeth.

That my children’s teeth have fillings is a silent testimony to the fact that I wasn’t a great mother. Somehow, in spite of my less-than-perfect mothering, the kids turned out all right. Except for the baby, of course, who is totally gorgeous, exceptionally smart, independent, caring---and thinks it will take the rest of her life in therapy to undo the damage I did. I look at her and think, if I’d had half the strength of character she has at that age, there’s no telling what I might have accomplished.

My kids deserved better. But then I stop and think. Did it ever occur to them that maybe mom yelled because she was stressed because they all had things they needed me to do, and that there were three other children and a husband who had their own demands and expectations, and I was trying my damnedest to hold it all together, and there were times when I felt like I was being pulled apart, like I was going to split into a half-dozen pieces?

And on top of my children’s problems I kept trying to solve, I had my own problems. I’d had a bout with cancer that made me worry and fret until I descended into depression no one else recognized. Then my father came down with lung cancer and the depression deepened. He passed away, and I felt like I'd lost my anchor. It was at the worst possible time for my youngest kids. They needed their mother, and she didn't have enough emotional fortitude to pull herself out of the mire to meet their emotional needs. All I wanted was for the world to go away and leave me alone.

So, does all that make me a bad mother? I never sold my kids into prostitution like some mothers have. I didn't scald them in the bath, beat them senseless, starve them in a closet. I did try to make sure they went to good schools, tried my best to keep them safe, instilled in them a love of reading, tried to control their television exposure as much as I could. I took them to church (at least until the depression got too bad), even started my own Christian school to give them the best start in life that I could. When they were little I worked at jobs where they could be with me instead of establishing myself in a career that would have kept my husband and I out of the mess we're in now. I loved them more than life itself and at any point would have given up my life for theirs if necessary.

I've prayed for each of them since before they were born. No, they haven't always made the right choices, but they've always known that the choice they were about to make might not be the best one. And when they made the wrong choice, they fixed it. They backed up and started over, sometimes at great personal and emotional cost.

Yes, I have a lot of regrets. I regret not spending enough one on one time with them when I had the chance. I regret not listening when they needed me to listen, not give advice. I regret missed opportunities. But I don't regret the people they have come to be. They're wonderful, bright, witty, mature men and women. None have ever been in jail, they aren't thieves or drug addicts, they respect others, they study hard and do well in school.

So was I great mother? Maybe not, but that's what we decided on the lists. We might not have been the best mothers, but we did our best with what we had to work with, and the kids turned out all right.

1 comment:

Anonymous
said...

Your article really touched me, I'm not a mother yet, well I'm 35 and time is probably running out, but if I ever am blessed with kids, i hope I try my best like you obviously did, that's all anyone can do in any circumstance isn't it. Do what you can...

Ask David

Story Finds

Just Contemporary Romance

About My Books

Wild child Lacy Fitzgerald may have made one bet too many. This time, the stakes are her trust fund, her freedom, and even her single status. To win, she must take her father's seed money and create a successful lingerie company in one year, and she must do it on her own. Six months into it, out of money and deeply in debt, she hires a handsome hunk to make her catalog sizzle and her sales soar.

But far from being a typical lingerie model, there's more to Gabriel Wallace than meets her eyes or her hands. Gabe isn't a down-on-his-luck construction worker standing in the unemployment line. He's not broke and desperate for any job, even one that has him posing in nothing but skin and his shorts. And he's most definitely not the kind of guy who wears skintight, heart-speckled silk briefs under his rugged jeans.

But for the chance to spend time with Lacy, Gabe will do almost anything. Anything, that is, except tell her who he really is.

To My Readers:Double Exposure is a story very dear to my heart. Lacy and Gabe deserve each other, but parental interference threatens their chance at happiness. How many of us have had the same experience? I hope you enjoy reading their story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Desperate to break away from her overbearing mother and holier-than-thou sister, Cassie Mills takes on a moonlighting job she'd never have considered otherwise. But she needs money, and she needs it now.

Cassie runs afoul of an outdated and rarely enforced law when she decides to host Pleasure Parties. Reed Stevens is working undercover on the vice squad, not his favorite assignment, especially when he's assigned to what he considers fluff duty, cracking down on the home party sex toy business.

Cassie faces her greatest fear--what will her mother think?--and her aunt's Bridge Club. Reed faces a jealous and unstable partner, his ex-wife and her new love, and the wrath of Cassie's supporters. Neither one is prepared for the day when their professional paths cross. Shock, feelings of betrayal, lust, and love all intermingle until neither one is sure who is right and who is wrong.

Caramia Kensington makes a living setting up seduction scenes for rich playboys. Imagine her surprise when her current customer turns out to be her old high school flame, Grayson Montgomery. And the woman he plans to seduce is Cara.

Cara refused to have sex with Gray when they were fifteen. She had plans and dreams for her life, and they didn't include risking an unplanned pregnancy. She made him a promise: if they were both still single at thirty, she'd have sex with him. And the next day is her thirtieth birthday.

Gray plans to collect on that promise Cara made back in high school. But his plans don't end with one night. Somehow he has to convince her he has staying power, that he will still be there in the morning, and for the rest of her life. Not an easy task when Cara has been left by every man in her life so far.

Regina Baker has loved Sam Hyatt since the third grade, but Sam has an ideal woman in mind, and Reggie doesn't even come close. As the heir to a sizable fortune, Sam has a responsibility to marry well. His wife needs to be well bred, well educated, and well heeled. As a poor preacher's daughter with a landscaping business that barely pays the bills, Reggie feels like a mangy mutt compared to Sam's current girlfriend, who has a pedigree a mile long.

Their matchmaking friends, Cara and Gray, arrange for Sam and Reggie to join them on a two week cruise, where Sam will have a chance to see what he's been missing without the society trappings he's normally surrounded by, and Reggie will have two weeks to win Sam's heart.

Judge Madelyn Cooper never shows signs of weakness, but when a killer threatens her daughter's life, Maddie does what any mother would do. Run to the place where her daughter will be safe. And that place is Greendale, Texas. Maddie left Greendale fourteen years earlier, pregnant, broke, and without saying a word to Rand McCade. What could she say after her father killed his parents?

Rand McCade is determined to keep Greendale safe. As Sheriff, he promised there would be no repeats of the horrible day when his parents were murdered. Now Maddie is back, bringing trouble with her once again. And this time, she has a daughter. His daughter.

As a psychopath sets his sights on Maddie, Rand and Maddie must figure out who is after her, and why, before someone else ends up dead.

Logan Tanner shook the red dust of West Texas off his boots at the age of eighteen and hasn't looked back. When his father has a stroke, Logan is temporarily forced to return home and take over the family ranch. He still feels responsible for his mother's death when he was twelve, and has never gotten over the guilt. Now he's faced with having to protect his twelve year old daughter Katie and his sister and her friend Megan Flynn. It's nearly more than one man can handle. He can't wait to get back to Dallas.

Megan Flynn immediately falls in love with Morris Springs, Texas, population 976, when she delivers Logan's runaway daughter to his doorstep. Raised as a city girl, Megan has a dream of a few acres, a few champion Blue Heelers, and a small-town veterinary practice. The only thing standing between her and her dream is one stubborn, reluctant cowboy with an overprotective streak as wide as the West Texas prairie. But her stubborn streak is a match for his any day. And she's determined to prove it.

Blame it on Texas is a story of the power of love to overcome any adversity, the strength of family and friendship, and the joy that comes with being part of something bigger than yourself.

From the softer side of Tori Scott, a story of two single parents brought together by a shared accident, a teenager with an attitude, and a little girl who steals everyone's hearts.

Sandy Morrow's four year old daughter is hit by an SUV as she's riding her tricycle down the sidewalk near her home. Her new next door neighbors, Hunter Thurman and his son Jason, had been arguing just before Jason jumped in the vehicle and took off without looking behind him. Now her daughter has a concussion and a broken leg,and Sandy has a sexy neighbor who will stop at nothing to make it up to her.Whether she wants him to or not.

Hunter Thurman has a mission: to fix the mess his son has made and to fix the mess he's made of his son's life. He is determined to take care of his next door neighbor and her daughter after the accident, but Sandy is independent and determined to take care of herself, insisting she doesn't need Hunter's help.

This book is dedicated to the men and women who leave homes and families to defend their country and champion freedom across the globe. You have our everlasting gratitude and we pray for your safety.

About Me

Award winning, Amazon best-selling author Tori Scott lives in East Texas with her husband Tony and her dog Blue. When she's not writing, you might find her taking pictures of random things or hanging out on Facebook or Twitter.