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Half Thongs For Men Are A Thing And OMG Why?

So initially when I saw these half thongs for men I thought, “It’s got to be a joke.”

But no, the world would not be so lucky.

Because y’all, you can buy these on Amazon and I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I mean, obviously I shouldn’t be surprised. What with all the other questionable summer fashion trends floating around out there. After all, there are swimsuits for women without vulvas, so why not half briefs for men without balls?

It’s only fair. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all that shit.

So if I must suffer with an image seared into my brain forever and ever, so must you.

Behold.

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

I’m so sorry. That was mean. I’ll wait a moment while you go bleach out your eyeballs.

And men, I know what you’re thinking; don’t worry, this is not a photo post-vasectomy (they don’t actually cut off your balls). Honestly, I’m not sure what this is…oh wait.

Their official title is “Sexy Half Thong Bulge Pouch.” AKA “G-String C-String Pouch Mankini Bikini One Sided Half Thong” (depending on the manufacturer.)

Notable features include:

G-string brief design, show your charisma perfectly

Creative design pattern on one side, makes you sexy and hot when you wear it.

One size fits most

Helps to improve sexual life

They range in price from 99 cents to $7.99 depending on the brand and are available in a variety of colors.

There are no words. Actually there are two. Bikini wax. The end. And also, these are not sexy. I call false advertising. Now the end.

But they do provide for endless hilarity on the Internet. Here are just some of the comments when the following was posted on the Common Sense SoapboxFacebook page.

Grab some popcorn — the show’s about to begin.

Dear Lawrd, don’t let that come to the beach here…. I am so not mature enough to handle this.

Me neither.

Save it for the nudist beach

Or, just don’t save it. At all. Like not even a teeny weenie bit.

If he sneezes and farts at the same time, there is a fair chance that he will blow his cover off!!!😄😄😄😄

One big gust of wind and your on the sex offenders list

There was the itty bitty titty club now it looks like this is the shrinky dinky do club

(Bahahahahahaha! My exact thoughts. See gif above)

Eight ball in the Side pocket

I’m too sexy for my sling, for my sling…

‘Cause I’m a model, you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk.

Hope he doesn’t stretch or get excited! The sling shot might misfire!!! 😂

And the award for best threat ever goes to…

Next time my kids piss me off, gonna tell them Im wearing this to the pool!!

Cue the ball jokes:

I was going to say wearing this takes balls, but after looking at it, I’m wrong.

It looks like one of the chuck it Dog toys

(Minus the ball).

And then there were all the questions. So.Many.Questions. Including the one I know you’re all asking. Don’t deny it.

Does it have a plug in the butt to keep it on?

I don’t think I want to know, butt now would be a good time to start practicing some glute crunches.

Is this available in fishnet style ? Asking for a friend

Actually, yes. Yes it is.

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

To which one commenter offered some helpful advice.

Your friend will need a regular appointment with his waxing specialist. I would also advise him to apply sunscreen liberally,unless the cross hatch look on sausage is vogue this summer.

Then there’s the whole one size fits most issue:

Do they do xxxl !!???? Not bragging but seriously 😂😂😂😂

And the pleas for decency:

Honestly, can we just go back to the Speedo? PLEASE COVER UP!

Let’s not forget about the logistics. How does this thing work anyway?

Does it come in left OR right? Oh, pardon me for even asking! 😣

Where does the penis go though? Has it been pushed inside the body somehow? 😬 I am so confused and concerned… X

Apparently it’s like a garter and wraps around and there goes all hope for future generations.

Look, quite frankly, I think it’s about damn time that men get to have the title of “worst summer fashion trend.” Women have suffered at the hands of ridiculous fads long enough. And if the one-sided thong just isn’t right for the man in your life, no need to worry. There’s always the Mankini.

Photo credit: Amazon.com

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About Heidi Hamm

Heidi Hamm is a writer, wife, and mom of three. You can find her writing about the joys and insanities of parenting and life on Sammiches and Psych Meds, Scary Mommy, The Huffington Post, and Perfection Pending, amongst others. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.