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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 5682

Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now

The thing is, Kate, I didnt know what they would do - I couldnt

Customer Question

The thing is, Kate, I didn't know what they would do - I couldn't be sure what I was gaining. but I DID know what I was giving to them - I didn't know the full consequences and maybe not how much it would affec tme. But I did know I was giving them something I shouldn't. But I didn't think it through at thetime, totally. I couldn't think much. I knew it killed me to say those things and do those things, but I was so scared of the bottle. it's like I couldn't see past the pain and the potential additional pain. Are there certain things you are supposed to be willing to die for or endure pain for?

you knwow what else irks me? The mean one told me I would neverhave sex with any guy again. I don't know why he said that -- it was kind of in the context of him telling me I enjoyed it and I was lucky to have him do these things. But he was right. At least so far. It was kind of dumb, because I tihnk at that point his better bet would have been to conclude I wouldn't have sex again because he was tearing me up. But maybe he didn't even know that. Do you think he understood how bad he was hurting me? I think the other one did. How could he not? Did he think that much blood was normal?

I know you are right about my parents. I didn't see it AT ALL until a few months ago. But you are right. I always knew they loved me, though. It's funny - I always considered them so non-judgmental. But that's because they didn't have an issue with the bigger stuff - sex, drinking, etc. But it turns out they were judgmental on the very basic level.

My grandparents and great grandparents and other relatives (on my father's side) commented as I was growing up that I was a very affectionate child and always climbing on all their laps. They didn't mind, and I was so small for my age. But it makes sense now -- I wasn't getting it at home. My great aunt just told me while I was home that I used to walk down to their house (I don't know how old I was, but we moved before I turned 3, so I was no older than 2) when they were sitting on their porch and just go sit on their laps. I guess I kind of knew how to get what I wanted, huh?

My brother and sister havegood and loving and caring instincts with their children (to my parents' dismay). We all do. I'm perhaps the least feeling of all 3 of u as adults, but am very caring and protective of those I love.

It was interesting, and kind of stung -- Saturday night we were playing cards with P's brother and sister in law, and we were talking about someone dying by falling off a 4 foot ladder and hitting their head. i said it was hard to understand how someone could die that way - because when I was in first grade, I fell head-first off the top of a jungle gym onto asphault and only got knocked out and a concussion. P's sister-in-law (who, by the way, is the same person who told me I lack affect, and who is the head of learning disability stuff or a school system in Phoenix) said "that explains a lot." We were all laughing, and she said, well - you maintined your intelligence, but maybe it knocked out your emotions. I was like "ouch." She was serious - not about it being the cause - but about my lacking emotions. I was taken aback. I must seem heartless to people who don't know me as well. It really kind of hurt my feelings.S

Were you able to give this something to them of your own free will? If not, then it was not a choice. You mentioned being scared of the bottle. Do you see the connection between the fear and the actions you took? Understanding that fear of being hurt worse can cause you to "choose" to give what they asked. That is not really a choice. It is a lesser of two evils. In that case, you "chose" correctly because it saved your life. You may not have known that at the time, but obviously you made the right choice. Most people will choose anything else but death, given a choice. Some people are never given that choice, though.

Telling you that you would never have sex again was about control. The whole thing was about control. They may or may not have noticed how much pain you were in, but because they are mentally ill they probably were not focused on it. They were focused on their own needs.

From what you told me, your parents are very judgmental. They determined what they would expect from you and never detoured from it because they probably never questioned that they were right. That is some major inflexibility there! And they judged every situation according to their own beliefs. Most people are more flexible with their beliefs.

It's great that you had other relatives to turn to for your emotional needs, and that they were so attentive to you. It probably helped you a lot.

I can see why P's sister in law's comment hurt you. Ouch, indeed! It sounds like she may have some underlying anger that is unresolved. Most people, especially ones that work helping others, would not normally be that oblivious to making such a hurtful comment about someone. Do you feel there is some jealousy involved?

No - no jealousy at all. and she was not trying to hurt my feelings. She was part kidding, but part kind of telling me what she observed. She is not meanhearted at all. We had spoken about this (kind of) before, a few months ago when she was in town, because P and I were saying that people think I think I am better than them, and P was saying she doesn't' know how they got that, and T (P's sister in law) said it could be because I lack affect, which she then had to explain to P.

I don't know T a great deal, but we have spent a lot of time together (I know P's brother much better), but the 4 of us are pretty blunt with each other. She was just saying what she thought. She is a super-nice person. She just was telling it like it is, which we all tend to do around each other. It stung because it's true - I mean, I don't really lack emotion, but I do conceal or repress it, and I can see now how it seems to other people. I would not even have given it a second thought if you and I and Linda had not been discussing my emotional repression.

But, as I said, truth hurts.

By the way - the BB gun was fun and helped get out a little frustration.

It may be true what she said, but there are limits to how blunt you should be with someone, even if the group you are in agrees to it. There is a line between truth and bluntness because others get hurt as a result. And it is ok that you felt hurt by this. It could have been pointed out in a nicer way.

I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

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