March 19, 2008

This sort of question comes up a lot, so it’s good to answer it here…

One of the best ways I know, is to bring the memory of the relationship you had before children back into your mind so that it is real…bring it to consciousness in full colour and with all the actions and the spoken words and step into the person you were back then as if you’re an actor stepping into a role on stage…really be who you were then…act as you do in the memory and don’t leave anything out.

Children really take over and that is important when they’re babies and very young children…even when they’re older it is important to listen to them and help them develop…however, not at the expense of yourselves.

Unfortunately, many women do as I did. I made my children my life to the expense of myself and my marriage. The interesting thing is that the more I gave, the more they took and demanded…I’ve had to learn to say “not just now” or “maybe another day” or “I can sit down with you at 6pm”.

Not only do relationships suffer but we the parent and individual suffers…we stop making ourselves important…we talk more about the children…we make time for them and not ourselves.

So, it is important to make time in your busy lives to do the things you love to do together…these may have changed since before children, for whatever reason…but do what you do love to do together…no excuses…just do them.

Telling your loved one you love them…telling them why you love them…think of all the good qualities about your loved one and tell them. Gratitude is another loving thing to do and extremely important…even if you’ve set up a system where you do certain jobs and your loved one does certain jobs…be grateful that they do theirs…be grateful for the smallest thing…you don’t have to gush…”Thank you” can be enough…”Thank you for doing …”…”Thanks for saying that”…etc.

You’re a man, so take your wife out…be in charge but not in control…suggest something and see if she wants to do that…if she does then, book it…if she doesn’t then ask her what she would like to do. This is important for men…to be in charge but not control…take care of your loved one…be Sir Walter Raleigh and lay your cloak over a puddle and carry her over it…get between her and the dragon…open the door for her to walk through first…don’t let her walk home on her own at night. Equality is important but so is it important to be chivalrous. However if you don’t want to do what your loved one suggests, say so in a loving way and find something you both want to do.

If you’re a woman reading this…it’s OK to be a woman…I love it…give yourself permission to fill your bag…it’s what we do…let your loved one be in charge and feel free to suggest things…always be true to you and say if you don’t want to do something or not…there are plenty of things you can do together. Make sure you stop housework for your loved one and the washing up and make time for your loved one…this was something I didn’t do and it was a mistake…I was always too tired.

Sit down together and really find out what you both like and would enjoy together.

March 12, 2008

First of all, YES you can…I am 60 and I desire sex…of course, you may have turned those desires off because of hurt, pain and sadness or even anger and rejection…I did this in my marriage and another time.

Also sexual desire can disappear if you have a past history that catches up with you…for me, I felt abandoned by my husband because he was having affairs and when he wanted sex with me, I felt used and abused…this unconsciously made my body feel unsafe because of having been sexually and physically abused as a child. I had not idea at the time why I didn’t want sex.

It is so important to work through our past pains so that we can break through and lead a whole life and sex is a part of that.

I remember a young woman in her late 20s coming to me because she could have sex with her husband and she wanted to feel the desire again…she had been sexually, physically and mentally abused as a child and something her husband did unconsciously reminded her of that time and her body’s reaction was to stop feel desire.

Our bodies are really powerful and if we don’t become more aware of our body, the environment and our loved ones, we do just that, act out unconsciously.

To cut a long story short, I helped my client work through her past, become more aware of herself, her environment and her husband. In fact, she felt very sensual in nature and I helped her use her imagination to bring the memories of feeling sensual in nature into the present…with practice she was able to do this at the time when her husband wanted to make love to her.

This unfortunately, wasn’t all…she had become a master as using cooking, washing up and hoovering, etc to say she was too busy for sex…she now needed to let go of the need for a perfect home in that moment, knowing she could come back to it at any time in the future.

She also needed to play…we played in our sessions…this was alien to her…she was so serious…fun wasn’t allowed…she’d had too many years of pain, hurt and unhappiness…she even believed that if she had fun, she’d be abused…terrible. Everything is possible and learning to play as a child would…yes we had to go back to childhood and give her a new experience…this way she could choose whether to focus on what happened as a child or the present reality of pretending to be a child and play. She was able to bring more fun into her relationship and into her sex life.

Now, if you’re saying that you now desire sex again and you want to meet someone…wonderful. You just need to know the qualities you want in your loved one…make sure the qualities are in you so that you attract those qualities…start finding role models of how you want your loved one to be…perhaps in films, plays or in books…notice how the woman in the opposite role acts and be that woman…step into the character so that you attract a similar person to the one in the film, play or book.

Enjoy yourself, your body and life…it is really important to pleasure yourself to create what you want.

February 19, 2008

The most important way to communicate is to stay with yourself…so many of us, and I have to keep practising this, say “You” when we mean “I”…by doing this you are not making yourself important…this is a MUST. You MUST put yourself first, however not in a selfish way, but an inclusive way.

Imagine how you want to communicate with your husband and children…to get that image you must look around you…look to see if someone you know is a good role model for this…maybe you’ve seen someone in a film doing and saying just what you want to do and say, maybe in a play, or in a book you’ve read or in a workshop you’ve been to…it doesn’t matter where as long as the person is doing and saying what you would like to do and say.

If you can, listen and watch it, or read it again…really get it so that you instinctively know it…embody it in your whole being by stepping into that role…really becoming the role…and speaking and acting as that role. Have an image of the person and hold it regularly on the TV screen of your mind, walk, stand and talk as they do.

When you talk to your husband and children, be clear about what you want for you and/or from them.

If something they have said or done makes you feel angry…check out if there is another feeling underneath which is being covered up by the anger…maybe hurt or pain. Say “I feel hurt when you do (or say) that and what I would prefer you to do (or

say) is ……..(and give an example which means that you must know what you want them to say or do instead).”

Of course, you may be feeling angry and you need to say “I feel angry when you say that and what I’d prefer you to say is…..”

You are the most important person in your life and you will honour yourself far more by making “I” statements and not acting out…actually getting upset or angry…of course, it’s important to show that you mean what you are saying by being congruent with you body language, so make sure you’re not smiling or crying when you feel angry…you’d be surprised how many people do this because they were brought up believing that anger was not allowed….and look happy when you feel it.

Let me know if there is something else you want to communicate.

I shall be in Orlando next week…if you live nearby, you might want to come along to a book signing, workshop or speaking engagement…I don’t have all the details yet but if you would like to come along, please phone me on 407-578-9628 or email me at wolfsongk9relations@gmail.com for more details.

Also, if you’re in England you might want to buy “Love It!” magazine in which I am giving tips on “How to…Have Sex with the Same Man Forever”…enjoy.