Karoake Fans Need Courage - To Stand Up To Tanks

January 2, 2002|By Rafael A. Olmeda Staff Writer

And you thought you hated karaoke?

Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen is ordering the destruction of rogue karaoke bars in his country, according to the Reuters news service. I had to say that a few times before it really sank in: "rogue ... karaoke."

Now, I'm a confirmed karaoke addict. I get a rush when I take that microphone and listen to the opening bars of the tune I'm about to belt out. Or butcher. Or both.

It takes courage, especially that first time. But even karaoke addicts know it is not the kind of courage that puts you at odds with the military and gets you labeled a "rogue." Singing is not the kind of thing that gets you on the most-wanted list.

Except in Cambodia. The prime minister, convinced that off-key renditions of I Will Survive threaten the moral integrity of Phnom Penh, wants these bars destroyed by tanks.

Come to think of it, he may be on to something. Maybe he was inspired by the brutal way I slaughtered that Ray Charles song a few months back. Now there was a crime worthy of severe punishment.

But really, is karaoke such a threat to public safety that you need to fight it with tanks? Hardly.

In my opinion, Hun Sen is afraid of karaoke because he secretly believes he will like it. That makes him no different from most karaoke critics, who can basically be divided into two groups: those who are afraid they'll enjoy it and those who don't even like the way they sound when they're singing in the shower.

So, as a gesture of international good will, I want to invite the prime minister to a South Florida karaoke bar. Now, sir, there's nothing to fear. Your overreaction to the evils of public singing is an obvious sign of a latent desire to grab the microphone and belt out Mambo No. 5.

If you're like me, your heart will start pounding from the moment you pick up the book and start flipping through the apparently endless list of songs. Pick something simple. Something you already know by heart. I picked Say Goodbye to Hollywood by Billy Joel.

OK, bad example. But the point is I picked something, and you can too, Mr. Prime Minister. Wait, I've got the perfect song for you. I Fought the Law. You can thumb your nose at those Cambodian rogues even while you give in to the temptation that makes them defy you in the first place.

Hand your request to the karaoke guy. Yeah, that guy, the one who comes around every three minutes to ask if you're going to sing. Now comes the wait. Other people got their requests in before you, so you have to wait. That's how it works. The first time I went up, the people at the next table could actually hear my heart beating in terrified anticipation.

Eventually, he'll call your name. When he does, just go up, grab the microphone, look at the monitor, and sing. The fear will fade. Just sing and don't worry about how you sound. No one will laugh, and if they do, so what? That's the fun of it.

After a few songs, you'll get the hang of it. You'll come back. You'll sing other songs. You'll become a regular. An addict. A rogue.

Now, if you don't mind, for God's sake, call off the tanks.

Rafael Olmeda can be reached at rolmeda@sun-sentinel.com or 954-356-4207.