To this day, our favorite ESPN commercial remains the one where the male Ohio State fan and the female Michigan fans make out with each other. There's something primal about our reaction to it; it seems grotesque, somehow, like cousins French kissing, or a dog doing it with a sheep. Sleeping with your rival's fans has an unnatural quality; our worst relationships have always been with Cubs fans.

Remember Vawls, in order to pull Poon in the realm of the Gator, you must think as a Gator. Jorts are accepted there. I'm not saying wear them, nor am I condoning dawning them in a public setting. But if you can wrap your mind around the concept that shorts, formerly known as jeans, that are blue in colour, are as accepted as socks with sandals - then you're on your way to Pulling Gator Poon.

That might, frankly, be the only scoring the Vols do this weekend. Still: This feels wrong. Maybe we're just against inter-rivalry relationships. We hope that doesn't brand us a bigot.