Here’s me. I am an efficient grocery shopper. I have a life. I have places to be. I am buying groceries with a plan and would like to continue on with the rest of my life as soon as possible. I believe that the people in line behind me would prefer to move on with their lives too.

Here’s you. You are a dawdler. You have no place to be. You are creating purpose in your life by taking way too long to do things that do not take long to do. You are holding up other people’s lives.

Here’s me. I was a waitress. I worked at a store. I believe that waiters and checkout girls are people too. I swipe my credit card while the girl swipes my stuff. I bag my stuff while she gets my receipt. We are a well-oiled machine. We are buddies.

Here’s you. You stand perfectly still. In line and while the girl rings up your groceries into a pile, you stand perfectly still. You do not look for your credit card before she is done because you are standing perfectly still. Instead of bagging your own groceries in the bag that you brought, you stand perfectly still while the girl waits on you like you are a princess.

I have news for you: you are not a princess and life is not a straight line of one event following another. You have a tiny negative effect on the world around you because you are so passive and not helpful. You should stop that because it makes us not like you. Also, it will very slowly make you not an interesting person. So stop it.

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One Comment on “Me and You”

I was behind You at the market today. You (you,Emma, rather than you, You) neglected to mention You’s brightly painted, pursed lips and overly starched hair. Additionally, You’s inability to even begin the search for a pen with which to write the cheque until after You has seen the total amount of her purchases on screen, left me in a passive-aggressive meltdown at checkstand 3. I loathe You.

Hello!

I'm Emma, displaced New Yorker, not-quite-fitting-in San Franciscan, writer, mother of one couldn't-ask-for-better little kid, and wife-like partner. I post where life and peculiarity collide. Come on in: the water's fun!