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When you’re in the muck you can only see muck. If you somehow manage to float above it, you still see the muck but you see it from a different perspective. And you see other things too. That’s the consolation of philosophy.

David Cronenberg

I remember as a kid having a balloon and accidentally letting the string go and watching it just float off and into the sky until it disappeared. And there’s something about that, even, that feels very much like what life is, you know, that it’s fleeting, and it’s temporal.

I have felt angry for weeks, maybe even months. An anger burning right below the surface of my skin. I have vibrated with this anger. I was an angry warrior. I went from hearing “it’s nothing” to hearing “mastectomy” in a matter of 6 months, and I was pissed.

The other day when they finally gave me the surgery date, that anger disappeared and was replaced with sadness. I feel sad. My heart is so tender right now and my tears flow easily. I am now the tender and sad warrior, I wear my heart on the outside of my skin. I feel raw with emotions.

To be honest, I prefer this feeling of sadness. Anger is such a difficult emotion. It is so violent and irrational, so toxic. It made me crazy, like I wanted to escape my own self. Run away from my own mind. I felt out of control. I feel more myself than I have for awhile. I have always been a melancholy sort of person so this is much closer to normal to me and it also allows me to feel grateful. I am grateful because this is not a death sentence. I am one of the lucky ones. I know that. I am allowing myself to feel the tender sadness of knowing my life has been changed. I am different now and I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. My sadness is allowing me to find bravery that comes from kindness and peace, not a bravery that comes from anger and fear. I have moved forward in my journey and although I know I have a long road ahead of me, I feel more at peace then I have in a very long time. I am embracing my tender warrior and thanking her for giving me a little bit of my self back.

“The ideal of warriorship is that the warrior should be sad and tender, and because of that, the warrior can be very brave as well.”
― Chögyam Trungpa

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
― Masaru Emoto, Secret Life of Water