LOL: This Is What Happens When A Politician Applies For a Job at McDonald’s

Ask not what your fry cook can do for you...

I am here to announce my application for the position of line cook at this McDonald’s location. Let me take a moment to introduce myself. First and foremost, I am a fast-food outsider: I have never set foot in one of these places. What that means is, I won’t accept business as usual. I will ask questions. Why do we need to empty the grease trap? How does the cash register work? What is the maximum holding time for a pan of chicken patties?

What I bring to the table is a commonsense, home cook’s approach to making hamburgers. We don’t need volumes of market research to tell us how to cook a Big Mac. All we need is a hot griddle and old-fashioned American know-how. Also, we will eventually need a bun and toppings.

Our grandparents didn’t need fancy timers and thermometers to tell them when their food was cooked. They didn’t worry about egghead concepts like maximum customer waiting time or salmonella.

That was a simpler time, and I believe we can still go back to that simpler time.

I am ready to roll up my sleeves, put on a hairnet and nonskid shoes, and get to work. But I can’t do it without your support.

That’s why I’m asking you to hire me as your new weekday line cook, except Thursdays, when I’ve got this other thing, and also I need next week off.

Ben Godar is a writer and filmmaker. When nobody will give him money to do that, he tries to be funny on Twitter.