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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Happy Birthday to David, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Nicky, who also
turns twenty-four today. In New
York. New York, New York. The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday
to Harriet, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo, El Lay.

(Finally, a day on which none of the birthday
geography flummoxes Us. Now watch,
tomorrow, they’ll all be celebrating in Bangladesh Slowly.)

(We’ll wait here for you while that one hits…THERE
ya go.)

We are already quite sufficiently flummoxed
by the confusion that is Our day to date.
We have just come from a lunch meeting wherein( remind Us to say
something about “wherein” later) We discussed penning the script for the next
murder mystery (yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, the current show is now
playing in its ninth month, so, if you have any interest in seeing it, holler
at Us before its water breaks.)

We came out of Our lunch meeting to discover
that, despite being December Turd, it is sunny (contrary to what Danny DeVito
would have you believe, it is NOT always sunny here) and almost fifty-five
degrees. Trust Us, We are not
complaining; We are just trying to type this really quickly so We can go and
frolic. And gambol. And stuff.

Then We got home to discover that, not only
do We have opposable thumbs, but also Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour has been accepted into Centre Theatre’s Independent
Voices Festival in January. We may just
have to run to a busy street corner and throw up Our hat like Mary Tyler Moore.

We have made the executive decision to put
off what was to be today’s topic until tomorrow, thereby giving Ourself more
time to gambol (and yet, oddly, less time to proctor…go figger.)

“The name’s Proctor…JOHN Proctor.” Who wouldn’t watch THAT version of The Crucible?

Oh, We forgot about “wherein” (you were supposed to remind Us). We have, of late, been trying out an
experiment wherein We SitOnMyFaceBook message those people who are mentioned in
the day’s e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
For example, David, Nicky, and Harriet, who are mentioned above, would
all get such a notification. As would
Blair, since Picturing Blair In The Buff Week is still in full swing.

Now, the important thing to note about this
notification is that it employs the word “wherein”. To wit, "We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our
daily horoscope."

For the most part, people do not respond,
which is fine. And We have no way of knowing
whether they go and read the e-pissode or not.
Occasionally, someone will say “thanks” or something complimentary, which
is lovely, but, again, unnecessary.

What they should NOT say, however, is, “I'm trying a new plan wherein I use wherein,
heretofor and, perforce, perforce in random messages. Thereby.” Because (A.) We will call them out for being
an assmunch before (2.) pointing out how stupid they look for not knowing that “heretofore”
ends in an E. We realize that ‘Murrica
worships at the feet of stupidity, but We will NOT be mocked IN OUR OWN FORUM
for knowing what “wherein” means.

Assmunch.

In still other news We are
once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with
you (see above). Here is the link with
which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.

And
now, in the interests of increased frolic/gambol time, herewith (We know what
THAT means, too, MuthaFuckah) a reading by Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to
see you again.

An excellent
stratagem for getting things done is to construct your list of things to do in
the form of physical action required. For example, instead of "buy present
for love object," list "walk to chocolate shop at lunch and buy
present for love object." This makes the task easier to do, and thus more
likely you'll do it!

Dear Aries, with
Uranus in Aries you may be feeling some serious activation, maybe pulls toward
some big changes, in systems, ways of thinking, geography. These changes can be
both exciting and a little scary. Madame Olivia is thinking that the best
course of action for now may be a bit of wait-and-see. You don't have to make
the move or come up with an answer or solution just because somebody else is in
a hurry. When possible, take your time.

Look for the color
or scent of lavender to carry meaning in coming days

Godspeed and good
wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.

(We do so enjoy the recent increase in Madame
O’s “Uranus” references.)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble
beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.