It’s hardly a surprise anymore that every year’s list of most popular names reflects heavily upon what’s hot in TV, film, and general pop culture. For instance, I can’t wait to see how many Bellas show up on Maury Jr. in 14 years to take blood tests to determine which Edward is the father of their daughter, Renesmee. And in another 16 years, they’ll be joined by this year’s crop of most popular baby names that are… just terrible, people.

Thankfully, Twilight is out of the picture now, but The Hunger Games and, surprisingly, Game of Thrones are the hot new name sources, which isn’t any better. Babies should not be named after medieval fantasy literature or apocalyptic science fiction. You will never see a president or quarterback named Peeta or Haymitch, dammit.

1) Senna (female) and Cinna (male) – From The Hunger Games. The bonus for either of these names is that they’re already halfway to stripper and porn names.

2) Niall (male) – From one of the dudes in that pop group One Direction. Attention American parents: You’re going to look like a total schmuck when you explain this name to your kid’s teachers in three years.

3) Arya (female) – From Game of Thrones. I guess it’s better than Daenerys. But either way, the chances that a couple that names their daughter anything after Game of Thrones having a nerdy guy friend who is a complete pervert are very high. Won’t end well.

4) Decimus (male) – From Gladiator and The Hunger Games, sort of (because they use the suffix -us, apparently). This is an awesome name if your son plans to fight lions.

5) Caia (female) – From the Lunarmorte novels. I don’t know or care what Lunarmorte is, but I’m sure I’ll end up writing about how the books have been optioned by October.

6) Gatsby (male) – This is awful. F*cking hipsters.

7) Blue (female) – From Jay-Z and Beyonce. There’s nothing worse than people who name their newborn child after what a celebrity couple just named their newborn child. I guarantee most of these people think, “Maybe I’ll run into Jay and Beyonce, and they’ll want to be friends because both of our daughters are named Blue!”

8) Zebulon (male) – From the Bible. “The Cardinals are making a call to the bullpen… yes, it’s the lefty, Zebulon Jones.”

9) Sybil (female) – From Downton Abbey. This isn’t bad, I guess.

10) Calix (male) – From Greek mythology. Another great name, if you plan for your child to lead a slave revolution in the name of the goddess of occupying.

11) Halcyon (female) – Another mythical name, also what former Daily Show correspondent Beth Littleford named her daughter. “What’s up, Hal?” said the girl’s father as he drank more.

12) Django (male) – From Django Unchained. The name means “I Awake” which is cool and all, but the movie’s not even out yet. How do we know the character doesn’t end up being the most evil movie villain in history? Chill, people.

13) Nova (female) – More mythology, based on the celestial sister of Aurora. I can see a father now, just days after agreeing to name his daughter Nova, reading that it’s the same as Aurora, and gently sobbing as he deletes The Violation of Aurora Snow from his hard drive.

14) Theon (male) – From Game of Thrones. “Stafford back to pass, he looks deep, he’s got a man wide open, IT’S THEON SMITH! And he drops it because he wanted to learn interpretive dance.”

UPDATE: For the people crying that I’m some sort of ill-mannered dick who is just being mean, I should point out that A) My parents named me after a movie character, B) That name is Ashley (from Gone with the Wind), and, therefore, C) I think I’ve earned the right to pass judgment on the idea of pre-determining your child’s level of agony as he or she is teased for decades because of your strange fascination with a literary character. But hey, it only took me 20+ years to get used to people calling my name at a restaurant and saying, “Oh sorry, I was expecting a girl”, which just happened three days ago. So yeah, I’m a dick, but at least I have a reason.

Oh having had all my expectations subverted at the end of season 1, I’m going to just name my kid after a minor character in this TV series based on a series of novels without reading ahead. Nothing could possiblay go wrong…

Look, with the exception of maybe Sybil, these are all ridiculous. But THEON?! If you’re going to name your child after a fictional character, at least pick one that isn’t a traitorous douchebag pervert.

If you want to go the evil douchebag route, why not Joffrey? At least thats not an unheard of name. Sure, its rare and the kid will probably always be mistakenly called Jeffrey, but you won’t be naming him after a whiny runt who hasn’t had an independent thought or action since the day he was conceived.

I used to get a little irked being an “Uncle Jesse” to my niece & nephew (most people associate that with Full House, the occasional rad dude remembers it from Dukes of Hazzard). I’ll make damned sure no one in my family tree ever makes mention of an “Uncle Gatsby”. DAMNED SURE

I can’t tell you how pissed off I was after naming my son Aidan (after Aidan Quinn, actually, and because it’s a fine Irish name), only to find out scores of kids were being named “Aiden” because of Sex and the City.

That’s not to say that the parents & TV shows of yester-year were any better. Thanks to American Gladiators popularity you couldn’t throw a rock in my school without hitting a Csonka (male or female) on the head

I think I’m going to write a young adult sci-fi series and name the character after Assyrian and Babylonian figures. I hope to increase the number of people currently named Nebuchadnezzar or Hammurabi.

My kid is gonna be named Syrio Jaqen as soon as I can distract his mother and steal him from his high chair. You wouldn’t believe how closely mothers watch their kids when there’s a guy wearing only trenchcoat and a pair of Groucho glasses hanging around their house. Especially after introducing myself as Rumplestiltskin and telling her that the courts required me to let her know that I just moved in next door.

Only acceptable way you can ever name a kid Django is after Django Reinhardt, but naming kids after jazz musicians is also just awful. Theolonious sounds awesome in you head, but for kid? That kid has an uphill battle.

Jesus, Burnsy got strawman’d worse than a Republican in an Aaron Sorkin movie. I want to melvin all those people. Especially the person who busted out the dictionary to prove that Twilight is indeed literature.

I like how they get riled up about an article that’s meant to be humorous and sarcastic, arguing on either or not it has valid points or correct syntax, all the while having no consideration for their daughter, who’s just going to end up resent them for their quirkiness – just like in that awesome Patton Oswald bit – but I guess obviously they have to stick to their stupid decision.

Anyway thanks, I lost a precious amount of time (not really) reading that whole thing. I guess I will have my revenge when they befriend me.

What I gathered from that is we were seeing the parents of Scout, Holden, Gatsby and Aria (because Arya is a stupid way of spelling it apparently) attack sentence structure and grammar rather than the subject matter of the post.

“You made fun of me for giving my kid a ridiculous name. I’ll show you!”

To be fair, it looks like the person who posted that status was taking it in good humor, and it was her friends who hopped onboard the “grammar lol and that’s why this article is awful” train. That one guy holding his baby in his profile picture, who posted like 20 comments all about one fucking sentence, should definitely be kicked in the nuts a few times.