Hundreds Of Cars Escape Destruction By Fire As Penguins Lose Game Five

[Pittsburgh, PA] The Penguins have lost Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Series to the San Jose Sharks, missing a chance for a historic victory in their hometown.

It’s terrible news, but not so much for automobile owners on the City’s South Side, who had reconciled themselves to finding burning wrecks in place of their preferred mode of transportation come Friday morning.
“On balance I wish the Pens had pulled it off, but it’s nice to know my Toyota Corolla is not a charred mass of twisted metal and melted plastic.”

It’s a familiar conundrum for sports fans who live in Pittsburgh bar-blessed neighborhoods – they love it when their hometown teams win, but find the practice of celebrating those victories by setting fire to their barely-paid-off automobiles slightly off putting.

“It sucks – but you have to respect tradition.”

The City’s Port authority – which operates the bus network – is also not in love with the fact that the destruction of its shelters is an essential ritual whenever any major sports trophy is won.
“We’d prefer it if people just cheered and had a few drinks, but then again we’re not just any run-of-the-mill sports town. Something extra is expected.”

Though the city’s car owners and transportation operators are grateful for today’s stay of execution, they still profess a wish to have their property destroyed after Game 7, when they hope the Penguins will prevail on their home turf.