Friday, June 26, 2015

I'm OUT.... from under the rock I've apparently been for the last two years. Given the momentous events of today, I figured it as good a time as any to start posting again. Hopefully, I'll continue to do so at a faster clip than my current bi-annual pace.

What follows are a number of possible tweets or status updates that have popped into my brain. I figured I just get out of my system here all at once.

*On my way home, I was surprised by how little of the world is burning down.

*In all the excitement today, I wanted to rush out and get same sex married. Then I remembered that I’m already married….and not gay.

*When all these people move to Canada because universal health care and gay marriage weren't struck down, they are going to be pissed.

*"Why should a choice someone made impose on my rights?", said a bunch of people who chose to be Christian... wanting to restrict the rights of a group of people that were born gay... on a subject that in no way affects them.

*Argument: It’s harmful to the children raised in these marriages.

Me: I don’t know. I think that if you ask my daughter how she feels about having two Mommies, she’d jump right on board.

*Dear gay friends. I’m not saying I’m expecting any invites. I just feel it’s important to mention that I’m lots of fun at weddings, and I’ll throw in my daughter as a flower girl. Let’s rock this shizz.

*My wife told me that they threw a surprise baby shower for a girl at work. Then she called her wife and found out their marriage is recognized all across the country. I don’t have a joke for that, I just think it’s beautiful.

*Somewhere there is a guy that’s been camping for a week. Tomorrow he’s going to go on Facebook and be so confused.

“So, South Carolina had to take down the Confederate flag so gay people can marry it?”

*As a Christian I’m just happy that now that same-sex marriage is legal, there won’t be so many homosexuals living in sin.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Marriage is like cherry cobbler. It might not be to everyone's liking, but everyone should be given the opportunity to have some.

Except there is no finite number of weddings that can occur, but there's only so much cobbler. So I guess my point is, every person despite their differences, should be allowed to wed and be recognized in the eyes of the law. But get your own cobbler, gays. This one's mine.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

When I was younger, my cousin had a hamster that got pregnant (probably due to lack of responsible sex education in hamster high schools). I remember him telling me about her having the babies. I was very excited to see them. However, no one told him that you have to separate the baby hamsters from mama hamster. By the time I was able to go over to see them, she had proceeded to eat all of her little hamster children. So instead of seeing unthinkably adorable hamster babies, I saw a less than adorable bloody stump of what was left of the last one. I just couldn't fathom what would cause a parent to eat her own young. Until now...

Look at those cheeks. I just want to bite them. Don't worry. I'm not going to eat my child. No one is going to come over to see a Lil' Bit stump. I do have slightly more cognitive capacity than that of your everyday house hamster. I'm just saying that a part of me wants to eat her for being so cute. It's nature.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

There is currently a statement regarding the Newtown shooings attributed to Morgan Freeman making its way around the internet. Morgan Freemanprobably didn't say this. Even if he did, it is wrong. The media is simply doing its job in reporting.

Blame them for rushing to air before checking facts. Get angry at them for swarming on this small
town, while it tries to heal. Be disgusted
at the tacky overuse of interviews with children. But you cannot blame them for reporting the
facts. You cannot blame them for reporting the name and showing a picture of
the shooter (although I would question the use of a picture that is seven years
old). This story has gripped the nation. And like it or not there is a desire, want,
need (whatever you may call it) to see and know what kind of monster could do
such a thing. The news media has a duty
to get that information to us. If they
didn’t, there would be a rally cry from all the news haters as to why they aren’t
doing their job.

One could argue that the Aurora shootings were influenced by
the Batman movies themselves. But where
is fake Mr. Freeman’s outcry to shut down Hollywood? Should all violence in movies be banned? Should we stop watching Batman (a series that
the real Mr. Freeman starred in)? No. An entire industry can’t possibly be held
responsible for what one mentally tormented individual might do.

This person was a tragically flawed individual. He most likely wasn’t seeking fame. Rather, he was likely a mentally unstable individual
that wanted to make as big an impact as he could and felt this was how. In reality, we will probably never know what
could lead someone to do such a thing.

Tragedies
happen. It’s natural to want to place blame. It’s easy to blame the media (or any other
industry). But attributing false blame
and misplaced anger helps no one. Instead
of pointing fingers, let’s look at how we can see the signs that someone is
suffering mentally and might cause harm to others. Let’s look at how we might better protect our
school children. Let’s talk about how we
can approach subjects like this with our own children. But most importantly, right now, let’s look
at how we can help the village of Newtown heal.

One thing that most certainly does not help achieve any of these things is spreading this message of misplaced anger. One that the author could stand behind him/herself, so they used Morgan Freeman to help it go viral.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

I've been a dad for over a week now. It's probably about time I start doling out parenting advice.

In all seriousness (perhaps), I share something that I have learned in my first week. Bathe the baby before you bathe yourself. I learned this when Lil' Bit pulled the hat trick on me during bath time.

I had just showered, and now it was Lil' Bit's turn for a wash. As the wife was getting soap and a wash cloth, I was tasked with undressing our little one. She took this opportunity to turn her head and spit up on my arm. OK. That's fine.

Now undressed, as the wife gets the bath water to proper temperature, I feel something warm running down my side. Our beautiful daughter (inspired by the running water) had peed on me. Shirt and pants are now urine soaked, but I'm cool with it. Let's get this tot washed.

Bath time continues. We wash her. I sit down to set her on my lap and wash her back. PPPLLPPT! A nice warm deucer on my leg. Trifecta. Lil' Bit had officially protested this washing with all three holes. My girl is an achiever.

Let this be a lesson, daddy.

And this goes to the main lesson I've learned in my first week. Poop happens, and it's going to happen. on you. I have lived on this planet for 33 years, and no one has ever pooped on me. In one week of parenthood, I've been pooped on at least a dozen times. That's more than once a day. There is no way to avoid it, but as a parent, eventually you'll be pooped on. Not every time you change a diaper, and probably not as often as my bad time has let me. The Wife has nowhere near the stats that I do, but she's gotten a couple.

And just when I thought I had it figured out, Lil' Bit changes the game. Last night, I heard the juicy bugle that sounds from a big mess being made. I waited. It sounded again, but I'm no fool. I know what's up. I waited a couple more minutes. A third time. OK, let's move on in. I get her diaper off, clean her little butt, and BOOM! She projectile shits all over me, the sheets, and the floor.

It is at this point that I must apologize for the crassness of the previous sentence. However, I can't classify this as a mere poop. When it is in the diaper, it's a poop. When it shoots (SHOOTS) two and a half feet from her little rear and covers your arm, it is shit. And that's what she did to Daddy.

And all I can do is clean it up, laugh it off, and commit it to the internet to embarrass her later in life.

I love my wife more than anyone on this planet, but if she were to ever crap on me, I'd divorce her tomorrow. But this little girl gets a pass. For now. I guess it's all just part of being a dad.

Monday, December 03, 2012

I haven't forgotten about you. However, the last few months have been very busy, as my wife has been making a human being. On Tuesday our Lil' Bit was born and so many things need to be expressed.

First, let's be honest. The Wife did ALL of the work here. That said, I will gladly ride her coattails in this endeavor.

Having said that. It would be nice, if the hospital would take dad into the consideration. I know mom and baby take priority, but could I get a sandwich? You are getting a lot of our money, after all. Also, I'm not particular about where I sleep, but, criminy, where did you purchase the pull out chairs for dads to sleep on? I'm already not getting sleep; what little I do get should at least be not unpleasant. Does that thing have a spine puncher that activates when I begin to doze off? How can a hospital support anyone sleeping on such a monstrosity that can only be detrimental to one's health and well being? How can something be so uncomfortable to sleep on that it makes my scrotum sore.

I will over look it all, though, because both the Wife and Lil' Bit came home a day early, and are healthy.

So, I reckon it's worth it in the end.

We still haven't gotten alot of sleep (beacause apparently our daughter is part opossum), but everyone is happy and healthy. More posts are sure to come.

Who is ths Kevin?

In October of the year of our Lord nineteen and seventy nine, a man was born that would bring knowledge, so insightful, that the world would be forever changed. Unfortunately, that man was murdered by gibbons. Then, I started a blog to get the crap that's in my brain out of my brain. Honestly, I can't, for the life of me, recall why I brought up that other guy.