I Don’t Think About Them

There are several people in these pictures, I probably have more, but then I would have to think about them. Childhood abuse, especially sexual abuse, harms a child for life and creates patterns that repeat this abuse.

The growing child first seeks to find love and attention from other people. What little they might get only creates the desire for more. When they don’t feel satisfied, that’s when other behaviors start to emerge. The child will do anything to attain the craved love and affection. They start fighting with others, they start fires, they start harming themselves.

I did all of these things and more. When I started college, I started drinking a little. A little became a lot before I knew it. My grades dropped, and I dropped out of school. I went in the Navy to avoid these people.

But while I was still in college, and then again after, I started seeking people that perpetuated the abuse. Sexually. I put myself in situations that made me vulnerable – just like the child that was s vulnerable.

It took a long time to start putting up defenses, and stopping this type of abuse. I stopped drinking. I stopped letting men abuse me. But the abuse was continued by me, and I sunk into the depths of mental illness, severe enough that I was put on disability, as I was unable to hold a job any longer, and support myself.

But I climbed out of that abyss with a lot of help from therapy and medication. I got better. But I still crave that attention, and I’m afraid of abandonment by those who truly do care about me, and are helping me.

I’m still on medications, but the frequency of therapy appointments has decreased to twice a month or so. Now, most of the time, I think before I act. But I don’t want to think about those people from the past.