The Pay Day Diet

28 October 2015

The Pay Day Diet

In one week you can shed your entire body weight, dignity and test your survival skills. All this and more can be achieved in the pay day diet. All you have to do if take part in the pay day diet, which to be honest is not really a choice for most of us.

Phases One

Weeks 1-2

Spend all your money in the three weeks of the month. Make sure you eat all in sight. Recklessly spend your money on cocktails, dinners out, take away. Never bring a packed lunch. This phase is for carb loading and bulk eating. If it flies, crawls or comes in a packet, eat it! If you feel full or guilt quieten those thoughts with some sugar. Think of these phases as feeding the monster within.

Phases Two

Weeks 2-3

Watch your cupboard and bank account empty, this is natural and while a voice of reason might suggest tucking a few quid away but keep fighting that urge to be sensible and continue on a whirl wind spending spree. By week two you would have hoped to put on at least 3-5 pounds. Don’t’ worry this is the water phases. It will help with results.

Phase Three

Weeks 4-5

Well if it’s a five week pay month then this will be a two week cleanse. You need to make sure you are almost destitute and have no money left. You should only have enough left for very bland meals. Porridge is a great way to feel full and replace meals, as are tins of beans, potatoes and frozen pizzas.

Dive deep into the freezer and pull out those dicey left overs from a few months ago. Sure the food poisoning is a great way to lose vital fluids and get another few pounds lighter, kinda like a colonic but less invasive. You might even get a few days off work too!

Beat the hunger by looking at pictures of food you will eat when paid. The salvation and hunger will help you to lose weight. Walk everywhere because you have no money to top up your leap card.

Fill up on all the free coffee at work.

You will be so nervous from all the coffee that sleep won’t happen. So, you can spend the night awake jittering burning calories. By the last day you should be a skinny mess. Be sure to take all of the Instagram’s showing your before and after pics. Here is ours:

‘This diet might not be medically sound, in fact it has been derived entirely from being broke!’