7 Reasons That Baths are Better Than Showers

1. Charity. We don’t know of any instances where showers have made any money for charity, but baths have probably raised millions for charity over the years. From bank managers sitting in baths full of baked beans, to bank mangers sitting in baths full of custard, from bank managers being rolling down the High Street in a bath, to bank managers paddling down the local river in a bath, it’s all about the bath. And bank managers.

2. Thought. No one thinks in a shower. They’re too busy scraping, scrubbing and rubbing while their senses are being assaulted by noisy, powerful, intrusive jets of water. Baths, like libraries, on the other hand, are quiet places of studious contemplation. Archimedes famously worked out how to determine the integrity of gold while in his bath. Churchill conducted a large part of his Second World War campaign from his bath, often dictating notes and occasionally holding meetings there. A good deal of this website was devised in the bath. Nothing good ever came of showering.

3. Fun. Showers are humourless. Baths are fun. Are there any shower toys? No. There are loads of bath toys available though, including submarines, ducks and battleships. There are also good jokes related to baths. My wife often asks me how long I’m going to be in the bath, and I always reply “6’2”.” This joke doesn’t work with a shower as, because of the standing position, 6’2” is your height rather than your length. Unless you are not 6’2”, in which case you’d have to modify the joke and my wife probably wouldn’t enquire this of you in the first place. You see, showers cock everything up.

4. Words. In popular phraseology, showers are seen as a bad thing. Ever heard the parade-ground phrase “you lot are a right shower?” It usually precedes some sort of punishment for tardiness. Being a shower is bad. There’s a popular phrase about baths too, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”. In this phrase we are being urged not to do anything to harm the baby with the bathwater. The baby with the bathwater is something that we should preserve. The baby with the bathwater is something that shouldn’t be discarded. This is because bathwater is precious. Probably.

5. Verbs. You switch on a shower; you draw a bath.

6. Flatulence. Breaking wind in the shower is dull. Breaking wind in the bath is a Jacuzzi.

7. Fast. The prime motive for using a shower is because it is fast. Being fast is often the wrong motive for doing anything. Go and stand outside your local branch of McDonald’s for a few minutes and look at the people who consume fast food, is fast good? Test cricket fans, is fast good? Ladies, is fast good? People who’ve been chased by a horse, is fast good? Hungry people, is fast good? Stuck people, is fast good? The answer is no, fast is not good. Nor are showers, they’re bloody rubbish.