Becky L McCoy on valuing your child’s honesty, surrounding yourself with healthy relationships, and other ways to raise a mentally and emotionally well child.

My goal as a parent is to help my children grow into kind-hearted, honest, authentic, hard-working adults that make a difference in their communities. Most days, especially in the midst of the toddler and preschool years, it feels like parenting is just a matter of keeping them alive and getting us to bedtime without too much catastrophe. But one day, these little minions will be grownups and I can’t help but feel like one of the most important aspects of parenting is helping them develop their personality and character.

After reflecting on my years as a high school teacher and as a mom of two, I developed a list of the ways I have helped guide and affirm the character development of children, from the toddler years through adolescence.

1. Tell them what you’re feeling.

How often have we tried to hide our anger or sadness from our kids? After my husband died, I didn’t want my son to see me cry. As someone wiser than me pointed out, my son needed to see me miss his dad. He needed to know it was okay to be sad. He needed me to demonstrate that anger, sadness, and disappointment were normal emotions.

Let’s practice telling our kids exactly how we are feeling so that they will know how to process and express those emotions in a healthy, constructive way.

2. Validate their negative emotions.

I used to tell my 3-year-old to “calm down” or “stop crying” when I felt like his tears or anger were unjustified. I realized that I was teaching him that expressing anger and sadness was unacceptable.

As an experiment, I used one of my tried-and-true teaching techniques the next time he lashed out in anger: when he screamed, I told him I knew he was angry and could understand why. When he felt understood, he was able to calm down and began to learn more appropriate ways to feel and express anger.

Our kids will experience negative emotions, so it’s important that we help them learn to manage those feelings.

3. Help them identify their strengths and weaknesses — and your own.

We all have things we are good at and other things that could use improvement. The same goes for our kids. When we are aware of their strengths and weaknesses, we can give them tasks they will excel at and help them grow and mature in the areas where they struggle. As our kids grow older, we can teach them to exercise these self-growth skills on their own.

When we are honest about our own weaknesses, we teach our kids that it’s okay to not be perfect.

4. Teach them and demonstrate how to ask for and accept help.

I don’t know many adults who like to admit they need help. We like to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient. For a long time I lived in a fairytale world where I really was able to accomplish every goal and fulfill every responsibility on my own. Eventually, we all meet a challenge that is more difficult than we are equipped to handle and we have a choice to make: feel discouraged by our circumstances or ask for help and rely on other peoples’ strengths instead of our own weaknesses.

Let’s teach our children that it’s okay to need help so that they never feel like their weaknesses are failures.

Whether we like it or not, our kids are always listening and watching. If we want our kids to develop healthy, affirming, positive friendships, we must model them. Demonstrating how to make honest, dependable, loyal friends will help your kids choose good friends of their own.

6. Value their honesty.

Kids are smart. If we reward them for telling us what we want to hear, they’ll never be honest. Reward their courage to tell you what they really think, and try not to discipline them for disagreeing with you. I want my kids to be comfortable expressing their thoughts and opinions about breakfast foods and bedtime now so that when they are teenagers and, later, adults, they’ll still feel safe to share.

Let’s encourage our children to have honest and open conversations.

7. Validate their opinions without giving them authority.

One of the first things I learned as a parent was the general rule that if you give a child an inch, they’ll take a mile. Case in point: once kids learn they can say “no” to something, they’ll say it to everything. It’s possible to maintain your role as a parent and help your kids learn to develop their own opinions.

You can affirm your toddler’s “no” to bedtime and then put them to bed anyways. You can affirm your preschooler’s desire for ice cream for dinner and then give them a healthier meal instead.

It’s okay for our kids to have opinions, but that doesn’t mean we have to say yes to every request.

If you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling it’s up to you to decide to let it go or get it back.

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Love is one of the most undefined and over-expressed experiences I have ever come across as a coach and woman. We have all sorts of ideas and notions about it that either reinforce its importance or hold us back from loving fully.

Being in love may happen by accident at first, but I truly believe it’s a choice whether your nurture that love or not.

We have ideas of how love should look, how it should feel, and how it should be expressed. All these shouldings cause us great struggle in long term relationships, and as a coach who works with relationship challenges and a person who has had her fair share of challenges, one thing stands out to me — being in love at first just happens and then through conscious choice and action love either stays alive or runs its course.

But what happens when you love someone but aren’t feeling in love and you want to feel that ‘in love’ feeling again? (Sometimes you will not be in love with them and be ready to move on, that’s OK too!)

Being in love may happen by accident at first, but I truly believe it’s a choice whether your nurture that love or not.

Here are some of the ways I see people erode the love they have for their partner and I have some suggestions about how to build that love up instead of tearing it down.

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It’s a simple concept but not so easy to practice. You take actions that are the catalyst for those feelings of being in love and shake up that slump you have assisted in creating.

Stop expecting and start appreciating.

I get it, sometimes your lover will let you down. It hurts and you take it personally.

What if you didn’t though? What if you saw it as being about your lover and them doing their best?

Even if you see their behavior as not good enough, what if you reviewed why you stay and complain, instead of improving your self-esteem and making other choices?

How would that change the nagging? No one feels sexy nagging a partner, it’s like begging for love and appreciation. Your lover doesn’t feel sexy and appreciated when you nag them either. It simply causes more distance.

Start acknowledging all the reasons you stay and love up on your partner for all of those reasons. Appreciate rather than expect!

My experience working with men as a coach is they are always doing their best in any moment, it doesn’t mean what they do should be accepted — especially bad behavior — however it stops you taking it personally.

Have boundaries and take responsibility for your own stuff.

Bad behavior and broken promises suck and no one wants to experience that. However if your lover keeps breaking their promises or doing things to hurt you, it is really important that you set healthy boundaries and honor them, whether they do or don’t.

You need to agree on what’s OK and not OK. Then you need to stick to that agreement. It’s not OK to just wait until they mess up so you can play the blame game.

Your needs are 100 percent your responsibility and you need to have your own back. This is your job. When you do this, you can spend more of your energy loving your partner and loving yourself.

No dynamic is caused by one person alone so work your stuff out. Get a coach, therapist, or couple’s counselor. If you do what you have always done and it hasn’t worked, then you’re only going to get more of the same unless you make real changes.

Here are some changes that can help you fall in love again.

Do lots of self-care/self-loving activities.

It’s so much easier to love up on someone and feel super drawn and sexy towards them when you feel super topped up and sexy in yourself. Taking responsibility for your own needs takes the pressure off your lover and leaves you with lots of energy to share.

The problem is the more we complain about things the more we reinforce the belief in whatever we’re complaining about.

Any person I have ever discussed a relationship with played a part in the problem. They were not free of responsibility. They made choices that reinforced and kept an unhealthy or unloving relationship alive.

Self-care / Self-love seems to bridge that gap and helps bring a serious amount of clarity around what you need, what you want and what is actually yours to heal as much as it adds clarity about what is truly not OK.

Make a list of all the wonderful things you love about your partner.

Nothing gets you loved up more than focusing on what’s amazing about your partner and what is sexy about them. Focusing on all the good points starts to release bonding hormones and that alone can help wake up that loving feeling.

Stop bitching to your friends.

OK, guilty as charged. That’s how I know this is unhealthy and undermines your relationship. No one is perfect and if your partner is that bad and you keep staying, you really need some professional help. The problem is the more we complain about things the more we reinforce the belief in whatever we’re complaining about. Which also releases more of those chemicals in our bodies that make us feel it for even longer.

Often your friends will blindly agree with you, very rarely do they ask “what’s your part to play?” Very rarely will they have an unbiased opinion because they love you. Although venting is good, there is a fine line between expressing and venting and reinforcing negative beliefs. A good therapist/coach is the most unbiased person you can pick to talk this stuff out with effectively.

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There is no perfect person but there is a fit that you can work with and with that fit, you become your best version of yourself and they theirs.

Relationships are messy and we don’t need fairy tales to feel loved or to be in love with someone. We need conscious healthy action. Life is going to happen and you get to choose whether you face it with love or not. —

How do men deal with resentment? Here’s some advice on dealing with your partner before calling it quits.

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As a men’s relationship coach many believe that I am a die hard advocate for men being in relationship, and while I do care about men being in relationships I am actually more committed to men being in the right relationship.

“When is the right time to end a relationship” and “how do I know if I should stay with it” are common issues men deal with, especially when going through a rough patch.

I believe that there are moments when it’s entirely appropriate to end your relationship.

But I also believe in doing everything in your power to make it work as well, to give it all you’ve got so that when you leave you know you held nothing back. This last point is important because though I am not attached to couples staying together, I do believe that how you leave one relationship, will carry over into your next one.

And it’s because of that, I advocate that you should do everything that’s in your power to make sure that if you are going to leave or end your relationship you should make sure that you’ve done everything you can and know to do to make it work.

(A caveat about that last statement – I’m not advocating you fight for a relationship that’s abusive in any way. If your safety is at risk, you should leave and leave immediately.)

So what does ‘doing everything you can’ look like?

How does one actually go about making sure that they did everything in their power to make it work?

Some of the exercises that I have my clients go through include :

Seeing where they are blaming or shaming their partner

Looking for where is there resent present in the relationship

Finding where there regret

This is by no means an exhaustive list there are lots of other exercises one can do and depending on the client’s situation, I may have them do all of them or only a few, but this is a good place to start.

Here’s a more detailed look about what some of these mean.

Where are you blaming or shaming your partner?

This one seems a tad obvious but I’ve found that sometimes things being obvious doesn’t mean that it is clear, in fact sometimes something being so obvious is a reason we overlook it.

Here’s why this is important in regards to leaving the relationship – It gives you an opportunity to take full responsibility.

Responsibility is distinct from blame – responsibility is an opportunity for you to own your part in the relationship not working. It’s never just one person who is responsible for conflict or things being off in the relationship – it’s always both parties.

However, there is a lot of personal power and freedom that can be found if you don’t relate to things being off as something your partner is responsible for and instead take full responsibility for the way the relationship is (or is not) meeting expectations.

This leaves you in a place where you’re able to do something about it, whether it’s have a conversation or take a specific action, rather than be at the affect of it.

Either way, when I can see where I’m responsible for something, I’m empowered.

Where is there resent?

This is such a big thing in regards to relationships and in fact I believe that resent is the biggest reason relationships fail.

Resentment is a perfectly normal experience to have in a relationship – it’s how we deal with it that’s important.

Resentment comes from an unmet expectation from our partner (or the relationship itself), usually we feel that they hurt us in some way by not acting or reacting to a situation in a way we deem appropriate and meets our expectations.

Most couples deal with resentment by burying it, not talking about it and think that over time those feelings will just go away.

The problem with this approach is that you and your partner are never really free of your resentment and as a result relive it over and over and over.

Anytime your partner does something that reminds you of that incomplete incident it triggers a whole bunch of unprocessed emotions and as a result we project those emotions onto the present situation.

So why is it important to deal with them?

Because if you don’t and break up, what’s going to happen is those same experiences will become a trigger point in your next relationship and you will end up dealing with the same issues as your last one. You literally carry the habit with you from person to person- no matter who they are.

So how do you deal with resentments? The most effective way I’ve found is to take responsibility for my own resentments and also see if there is some way I can understand my partner’s feelings about theirs.

The thing most people fail to realize is that although your partner may have acted in a way that was sub optimal in your mind, it was still your choice to become resentful, hold a grudge or get triggered. No one can make you feel anything and so we must own the part we play in creating and sustaining the resentments that we do.

What regrets do you have?

This can be a pretty long list for some guys. I think we are all overly critical of ourselves, especially when we fail to meet our own standards that we’ve set for ourselves.

Making a list of all the things that you regret with regards to your relationship – all the places that you failed to act appropriately, say the right thing or just places where you know you’ve fucked up and aren’t proud of can be a very powerful healing tool when used properly.

Sometimes all it takes is to get present to them and be willing to relive the hurt, other times you may find yourself needing to have a conversation to apologize to your partner about how you behaved or restore the lack of trust.

The thing about doing all this work is, sometimes it’s effective in having the couple fall back in love. They realize that they let all of their views, judgements and emotions cloud their view of their partner and as a result of that, “fell out of love”.

Often times, just doing this work will make a huge difference in how the couple relates to each other and see each other.

If that doesn’t work, at least it gives both parties an opportunity to start with a clean slate elsewhere.

Furthermore, the breakup, when it happens will be a lot more amicable because the issues that were clouding the past weren’t there anymore and both you and your partner can acknowledge each other for the growth and love that each provided during your time together.

To me, the best way to break up is when it’s completely mutual and full of love – so you both are free to then explore what else is out there for you without baggage or issues of past relationships clouding who you are now or who you are going to date next.

8.There are no unhealthy thoughts or feelings, just healthy or unhealthy ways of dealing with them.

9.Almost everybody has sexual fantasies that make them uncomfortable. Don’t shame yourself for them. If you’re not hurting anyone, embrace them. We don’t choose what turns us on. It’s like freckles. They’re just there.

10.There is nothing you have done, said or thought that someone else hasn’t.

11.Your emotions won’t kill you but running from them might.

Know that everyone is afraid.

12.We don’t have to be overtly abused in childhood to be damaged. The absence of a healthy emotional environment can be just as hard on a person as being abused because the message the child receives in both cases is the same, “You don’t matter.“

13.When you’re not getting what you want, there’s a good chance it’s the Universe looking out for you in the long run.

14.The things we hate having to go through can often be the very thing that builds our character; a forced gym membership for the soul.

15.Life is a roller coaster. You’re strapped in. You can wish it was over or you can throw your hands in the air and hope you don’t shit your pants.

And 5 other things you need to remember about being in a relationship with an abuser.

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It’s hard to admit you’re being abused, but it’s even harder to admit you’re beingabusive, because the conversation about abuse, as it currently stands, focuses too much on people and too little on behavior.

When we speak of hypothetical emotional abuse, we imagine that the abuser is in complete control, and we imagine not only that they know how much power they have over their victim, but that they delight in it. We imagine pawns in the hands of a person who knows exactly how to manipulate others into following their will.

When male victims are abused by a female partner, they feel the additional shame of “not being man enough.”

Yet most abusers have been abused themselves, and they have been conditioned to believe their behavior is normal. They were once emotionally manipulated by a scared and insecure person they trusted, and so now, when they become scared and insecure in future relationships, they imitate the same behaviors that their own abusers used on them.

If they were abused by a previous romantic partner, they see that abusive behavior as normal when forming future romantic relationships. If they were abused by a parent, they see that abusive behavior as normal when having children of their own. If they were abused by a teacher, priest, camp counselor, or any other authority figure, they see that abusive behavior as normal when they become authority figures themselves.

On the other hand, attempting to rationalize abusive behavior is often what keeps us in abusive relationships, and when the relationships end, we dismiss any sympathy for our abuser as a byproduct of their mind games. They do deserve our sympathy, but we deserve better than to let our sympathy compel us into sacrificing our own well-being for theirs.

Whether you find yourself defending an abusive partner or condemning them, here are five things to remember after you end the relationship:

#1 — All abuse is emotional abuse.

We often talk about emotional abuse like a lesser category of abuse, when in reality, it’s the centerpiece of all abuse. A survivor of physical abuse remembers the pain of being hit, but it’s the humiliation, the powerlessness, and the feeling that the abuse was somehow deserved, that cause the real trauma. A victim of emotional abuse feels all of these things, too.

When male victims are abused by a female partner, they feel the additional shame of “not being man enough.” Their partner will usually be smaller, so any allegations of physical or sexual abuse will likely be mocked. Strength and sexual dominance are qualities by which we measure masculinity, and if a woman uses abuse to make a man feel week and sexually passive, the subsequent shame will bolster the effects of the abuse. With physical abuse, we worry about what our partner would do if we fought back; with sexual abuse, we worry about what would happen if we ever dared to reject sex.

In the end, it’s all the same: we feel we deserve the abuse we’re enduring and fear that we will never find a happier relationship with someone more stable. We worry that we might be the unstable ones, after all, or that we might be the ones making the relationship unhappy. So whether we’re being hit, raped, verbally attacked or manipulated, we decide to stay.

#2 — Your abuser thinks you have all the power.

The scariest thing about abusive relationships is the mind of the abuser, revealed by the convoluted way they rationalize their actions. When they scream, throw objects, destroy property, slam doors, or stomp around the room, they always rationalize it by declaring, “You’re making me this crazy!” It’s not normal for an adult to throw tantrums like this, and your abuser agrees, but they see you as the abnormal one for daring to provoke such a tantrum.

If your partner is overly concerned with getting rid of your “toxic” friends, it’s only a matter of time before all your friends are fair game.

When a significant other sends fourteen unanswered texts within an hour and then proceeds to call your phone at three A.M., they view this domineering behavior as your fault, too. “How could you scare me like that?” they say. “I was worried about you. If I’m worried about you, I’m going to call you no matter what time of the night it is. If you don’t want me to, then don’t ignore my texts!” In their mind, their need to communicate with you is a genuine emergency, but are they really afraid for your safety, or are they threatened by the idea of you having a life independent from them?

We all have insecurities, but an abusive person has extreme insecurities that keep them from ever fully trusting you. They will feel jealous of the time you want to spend away from them and paranoid that you’re secretly using that time in a way that betrays the relationship. It starts with Platonic friends, but eventually all of your friends become a threat in some way, and eventually, even your career is taking a backseat to a relationship that has no sustainable future.

#3 — Your abuser genuinely believes they are helping you by taking control of your life.

When your abuser isn’t flying off the handle with tantrums, late-night phone calls, and random accusations of cheating, they are most likely giving you level-headed pep talks about all the flaws you need to work on improving. In some instances, they might be right. You are flawed. We all are, and we all need improvement. However, in these types of relationships, your partner is only interested in “fixing your flaws” when it serves their interests.

The concept of pulling you away from other friends is a perfect example: maybe you do have some toxic friends, and maybe they do need to go, but that’s for you to decide, not your partner. If your partner is overly concerned with getting rid of your “toxic” friends, it’s only a matter of time before all your friends are fair game. Then, when you try to leave, they’ll throw it back in your face, reminding you that you have no friends and that you’re going to be alone now…never acknowledging that they are the reason you (allegedly) have no friends, which is now the only thing keeping you trapped in this relationship.

Your abuser is scared that they will never find the person they’re actually looking for, and even more scared that they won’t be worthy of such a person when they find them. So instead, they try to change you into the person they want to be with, and they tell you (and themselves) that it’s for your own good.

#4 — When making you dependent on them doesn’t work, your abuser will become dependent on you.

Another common behavior of abusive people is asking for favors they know you can’t grant them, thereby setting you up to fail. If your abuser has abandonment issues (as many do), they will view any unexpected change of plans as “abandonment” and throw your insensitivity back in your face to regain control.

Once you realize that you deserve better, you will likely start making moves to leave the abusive relationship. At this point, there will be likely be some crying, as is sometimes appropriate at the end of a relationship, but chances are you’ll be impervious to it, because your abuser has been subjecting you to over-the-top crying since the beginning. Just like the violent tantrums, these crying episodes are seen as your fault. After all, normal adults don’t cry that way, so like any victim of an abusive relationship, you wonder what you did to cause this.

When you leave, the crying will be accompanied by desperation. It’s not enough to say you’re leaving; they have to say you’re “abandoning” them, or “betraying” them, or that they “can’t live without you” and they “want to die.” None of these things are a reflection on you in any way. They are the last-ditch effort of an abusive person trying to regain the control they’ve lost.

And if you’re in too deep, there’s a chance this might work on you. There’s a chance that you’ll stick around and console your abuser because you hate seeing them in pain. Then they’ll go back to shaming you, isolating you, trying to “fix” you, and whatever else it takes to make you the dependent one again.

#5 — You don’t owe your abuser anything, but you owe it to yourself to let go of your anger and grow from the horrific experience.

When you look at your abuser, you see a good, albeit extremely flawed, person deep down. Your hope is that communication will heal the relationship and bring you the life you want. It won’t. If you feel abused, it’s your responsibility to leave. By staying, you’re not only doing yourself a disservice; you’re giving your abuser yet another excuse to rationalize their own actions. Yes, they can change, but it isn’t your responsibility to change them, and they are far less likely to stay if they have you around to abuse.

We don’t want to admit that we’re powerless, so we instead lie to ourselves and futilely try to regain the power, whether our motivation is blind optimism or revenge.

Calling a partner abusive (even if it’s the truth) serves no purpose other than to gain control over them. You’re deliberately making them feel guilty, which in turn either exacerbates their abusive behavior or compels them to give you what you want. That is its own form of emotional abuse, and two wrongs don’t make a right. Stop trying to gain control over your abusive ex-partner. Cut all ties with them and gain control over yourself.

Our inability to do this is the main reason we feel stuck in abusive relationships. We don’t want to admit that we’re powerless, so we instead lie to ourselves and futilely try to regain the power, whether our motivation is blind optimism or revenge. Either way, by sticking around, we will simply find ourselves being abused again until we leave, and in the end, all we wish is that we had left sooner.

A bold invitation to let go of the pain you’re tolerating in your life and go after the pleasure you could be experiencing.

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It takes guts to create the life you want, versus tolerating the life you have.

In spite of all the development, the education, the advances we make, we all exist in some level of toleration. We don’t truly realize just how dangerous this is. Like a prolonged erosion of your house’s foundation, we never know the danger we live upon until the ground gives way and our home crumbles to the ground, often with you in it.

… it’s unfortunate that pain is the motivator that moves us from the warmth of comfortability to a point of change and reaching for more.

As dualistic creatures of habit and evolved beings that exist to outreach our grasp, it’s unfortunate that pain is the motivator that moves us from the warmth of comfortability to a point of change and reaching for more.

Humans are wonky beings! You have to laugh at the consistent inconsistency we bring to life and also the ruts we ingrain ourselves to boring redundancy. The ebb and flow of moving closer to pleasure and away from pain is the moderator of our motivations, our compulsions and the activities that often keep us stuck.

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The desire for pleasure is a calling to action, to embrace a goal or seize an opportunity by simply grasping what is right in front of us. Tragically, this is replaced with hopeful wishing and limp conversations diluted to the mystery of luck or karma.

Trust me, leaving an old life, hang-ups, and relationships behind only seems hard, yet nothing can be more empowering because you’re now, maybe for the first time, embracing your own resolve.

The avoidance of pain is an internal warning sign, our inner truth alerting us of danger so that we may champion a cause and grow stronger. Yet tragically again, we don’t rise but rather numb-out with obsessive compulsions, disorderly behavior and lie to others and ourselves about the reality of our bleak situation.

So how do we REALLY create a life that is worthy of you? This is a bold invitation to set down the motivational quotes littered across Facebook — from ones that pontificate about how great life is and regurgitate quotes as if they are their own. Sorry, not trying to be ugly here, but I can’t take it anymore.

Here are 6 honest steps to create the life you want:

Get Raw, Get Real and Step In

That’s right, you gotta first get honest with yourself about the reality of your situation AND yet, not beat yourself up. Denial is a sneaky comforter to isolate us from facing reality and RARELY can anyone self assess. This is where coaches, therapists and trained pros can gracefully guide you into a space of true understanding. THIS is the first step to massive change!

Start Over

Trust me, leaving an old life, hang-ups, and relationships behind only seems hard, yet nothing can be more empowering because you’re now, maybe for the first time, embracing your own resolve. If you’ve not read “Self Reliance” by Ralph Waldo Emerson or “Civil Disobedience” by Henry David Thoreau, I heavily recommend both of these reads among dozens of other poetical thought leaders, sages and mystics that pioneered our civilization in to the power we hold within each and every one of us.

Get Clarity

Disciplines such as meditation, prayer, yoga, exercise and quality nutrition are the first steps to clearing a mind that has been bogged down by a lifetime of confusion, domestication, and things we just kinda went along with and now realize no longer work for us. Now comes the bravery needed to claim what it is we want and actually form the belief that we deserve to be happy. I personally struggled for years with believing I deserved anything good due to growing up and forming an identity around survival. I was actually proud that I survived the process of life in a more dignified manner than others and as a result, many opportunities for abundance passed me by. It was an absurd loss.

Form a Plan

There are no shortcuts. You can’t go around, over, or under the obstacles that are in our path, you must go through them. Forget what all the people on Facebook tell you with their constant barrage of “think happy thoughts” messages from the safety of their home computer. Instead begin looking at the ones IN the trenches, the ones too busy to call you back and listen to your stories of why you’re failing and you’ll find there are very, very few of us with shovels in our hands these days. We love you with great compassion, but unless you’re ready to form some calluses on those hands, there is little we can do for you.

Eliminate All Else

There is an old expression that goes, “You can’t soar with Eagles if you walk with turkeys.” It’s true, we are the sum total of the five people we spend the most time with. That doesn’t mean you have to disown all your friends and family, but you CAN learn how to create healthy boundaries with those that don’t share your passion for life and desire to grow, change, and create. Eliminate everything that does not support your commitment, clarity, and the plan you just formed.

And the number one way…

Control Your Thoughts and Words

Yes, I believe in law of attraction, energy, God, universal love, and all those teachings that are really popular right now. What I’m talking about, however, is creating a rigorous discipline around the ONLY thing any of us have real control over — our thoughts and words. Life and death are in the spoken word (Proverbs 18:21) and everything in the universe has an energetic frequency, a vibration that migrates to it’s equal match.

This process will become a comical game, as if you have a new set of eyes and you’re seeing everything for the first time …

Want more shit in life? Presto! Just complain endlessly about all the shit around you and you’ll have more of it. Conversely, want more love and money and sex and beauty and amazing experiences? Place your thoughts and words around such things and in time you’ll not only attract those things, you’ll realize it was all around you this whole time and you couldn’t see it. This process will become a comical game, as if you have a new set of eyes and you’re seeing everything for the first time when in reality, you’re just descending from the dark clouds and seeing sunshine for the first time in the way of little victories.

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Creating the life you want is not easy, and yet it’s also not complicated. There are clear roadmaps, success clues and others along the path that are intelligently pursuing their own creations that are eager to welcome you to the tribe.

So this is an invitation. Cry your tears. Cast your smiles. Embrace the love. The ego is the only thing that is truly “alone” and it is a tenacious recruiter to it’s ranks. Make a decision, join the ones along the path of creation, the ones making change, the ones that get real and authentic with the ups and downs of life and are CHOOSING every day to create an epic life. —

Success often comes when you are about to give up hope.

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Successful people have a clear vision of where they are headed.

You are considering quitting because you wonder if it will happen for you. Keep the faith. Success takes longer than you expect. It requires more work than you expect. It will be harder than you anticipated, but the following signs indicate your success is inevitable. Here are seven signs your success is inevitable.

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1. You have a plan.

You would never begin building a house without a set of plans. Successful people have a clear vision of where they are headed. They have long-term and short-term goals they review regularly. They execute their plan daily and realize that every step they take draws them closer to their desired result. The first step to your inevitable success begins with your plan.

2. You work when others play.

Success comes through sacrifice. While others play, successful people work. They know the time when others are playing is their opportunity to separate themselves from average. Success cannot be achieved without a relentless work ethic. If you are working while others play, you are gaining more ground on success than you realize.

4. You have a coach or mentor.

Guidance is critical to success. This is the where a coach or mentor provides value. The best coaches or mentors are individuals that have done what you desire to achieve. They have the ability to guide you away from pitfalls and toward the most effective ways to reach the level of success you desire. If you have guidance from someone with experience, then your success will come sooner rather than later.

5. You rise and shine.

The way you start your day sets the tone for the rest of your day. High achievers may not have always been “morning people,” but they become morning people to have success. They begin their days early by preparing themselves mentally and physically. They read and review their plans for the day. They work out so they can have the energy to face whatever their day might throw at them. If you are starting your days off correctly, the compound effect of your increased efficiency and energy will lead to results.

6. You are passionate about your work.

Passion is defined as a strong and barely controllable emotion. Passion is the fuel that keeps you going when others quit. Passion is magnetic. If you passionately pursue your success, you will draw the resources and partnerships needed to achieve your goals. If you have a strong and barely controllable passion for your work, keep moving forward. Your success is closer than you think.

7. You take massive action.

Massive action will overcome deficiencies you may have in any of the areas mentioned above. Taking massive action is an “if-then” proposition. If you take massive action, then you will get massive results. If there is one trait that will, without a doubt, lead to your inevitable success, taking massive action is that trait.

“At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and eventually inevitable.” – Christopher Reeve

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Push through the pain and focus on why you must make this work.

Don’t quit! I know the doubt, fear, and uncertainty of your success can emotionally bring you to your breaking point. You wonder if it just isn’t meant to be for you. You wonder if the people in your life who said you were crazy were right. Don’t believe the lies! Your dream was put inside you for a reason. You were not created to be average. You were not created to just show up, but rather to show out.

Your sacrifices will be rewarded. Push through the pain and focus on why you must make this work. Your success is closer than you think, and if the traits mentioned above describe you, your success is inevitable.

Which one of these signs are you not currently doing and when are you going to start?