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Free Press Staff Writer

If you think the relentless rise of social media is putting old-fashioned face-to-face civility at risk, you’ll probably think it’s heretical to bad-mouth the face-to-face expressions that seem to represent the height of civility these days.

Well, too bad. Civility can be annoying.

1. “Have a nice day!” This might seem to be an easy target because it gets so much derisive comment, but it’s no pushover, really, because no matter how much fun is made of it, it never goes away. In one variant or another (such as “haue gooday” in Olde England, or “have a good one” in contemporary New England), it has been with us since at least medieval times. Around here it’s heard most commonly from cashiers. It’s their valediction after they hand you your change and your receipt. I don’t know if saying “Have a nice day” is in their job description or part of their training, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were.

Now, perhaps you think cashiers and their pet phrase are becoming obsolete. After all, self-service checkout kiosks at supermarkets are proliferating, and none of those I’m familiar with (Shaw’s, Price Chopper), even the ones with automated voices, say “Have a nice day!”

Moreover, our political leaders keep telling us that jobs of the future will require post-secondary education, so you might assume that the supermarkets of the future will be needing employees who can write the software for those kiosks, not stand at cash registers taking customers’ money and making small talk.

Well, think again. Vermont’s Department of Labor has projected the occupations with the most openings in the state from 2010 through 2020, and which do you suppose is No. 1? Cashiers.

Not only that, No.2, Retail salespersons, and No 4, waiters and waitresses, are also in the habit of saying “Have a nice day,” so don’t expect to stop hearing that any time soon. Alas, software engineers are not in the Top 25 — nor are any other occupations that require science, technology, engineering and math degrees, oddly enough — so if those highly skilled high-tech workers have a valediction other than “have a nice day,” we’re not likely to hear it very often.

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When did “Have a nice day” really start spreading? Maybe in the ‘70s, along the smiley face. It’s the title of a Bon Jovi song (refrain: “When the world gets in my face, I say, Have a nice Day”), but I prefer The Ramones’ version, part of which goes:

“I heard it from the landlord

When he kicked me out

I heard from the spirits

As they possessed my house

Have a nice day. That’s all I hear every day

Have a nice day. I don’t believe a word you say.”

Ah, yes: One of the recurrent raps against “Have a nice day” is its presumed insincerity. That’s apparently why the British and the Europeans look down their noses at this rank Americanism – it comes across as phony or pretentious. There was even a research project in Germany that concluded that employees who were obligated to say this phrase and appear cheerful were more likely to get sick or depressed. These findings are nicely summarized in a brief essay by British journalist Allan Hall under the title, “Have a nice day — and a short life.”

It’s not the insincerity that bothers me, though. I’ve always believed some measure of insincerity is essential in routine social interactions … otherwise, society would fall apart. Imagine what it would be like if everyone responded sincerely to “How are you?” And do you suppose that our political leaders could function, much less get elected, if they always said was really on their minds? Of course not.

No, what I don’t like is being gratuitously told what to do, and specifically, what sort of day to have. I wouldn’t mind so much if speaker were sardonic (“Have an uneventful day!” say, or “Have a nonviolent day!”) But I’d really prefer a valediction that doesn’t ask anything of me at all. Why not simply “Goodbye”? Or, perhaps cashiers could be taught to say “Farewell” instead.

I think the Hawaiians might be on to something by using the same word coming and going, “Aloha.” “Yo” might serve that purpose ‘round here: You put your items on the checkout counter and the cashier says “Yo.” You take your change and receipt, and you walk away to another “Yo.” Is that asking too much?

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2. “Enjoy!” This is the standard comment from the waiter or waitress who brings you your food. I have the same objection to this as to “Have a nice day!” I sometimes find myself thinking in response, “How dare you tell me to enjoy my food!”

Maybe I’m naïve, but I think there still are quite a few verbs left that deserve better than to be used in the command form. “Enjoy” is one of them. (Here a few others: disdain, feign; aspire, perspire; derogate, abrogate.)

Granted, “eat” is not one of those verbs. If the waiter laid my plate on the table and said, “Eat!” I wouldn’t mind. But “Enjoy!” is another matter. There’s something cloying, manipulative and, yes, distasteful about being told to enjoy something that might, for all you know, be bland or even execrable.

Mercifully, “Enjoy!” hasn’t been taken up by the supermarket cashiers. Imagine going through the checkout line with nothing but a bottle of vinegar and being told, “Enjoy!” That never happens, at least not yet, which makes having a nice day a little less unlikely.

3. “Going forward.” Some time in the last few years, this became a favorite phrase of the managerial/executive/political elite. These people used to be called the ruling class, but for some reason that term fell out of favor. Let’s just say that the poor working stiffs among us are not the ones who talk about “going forward.” That’s because they also don’t obsess about strategic planning, which “going forward” often has something to do with.

This is a curious phrase, because it’s usually superfluous — that is, unnecessary — in that it’s used to refer to the future when that context is already clear. But the phrase also carries an inherently positive spin, in that “going” suggests motion, which in our society is always a good thing, and “forward” implies progress, another undeniably good thing.

Never mind that standing still, every once in a while, is the best course of action. And never mind that one person’s idea of what’s forward might well be another’s idea of what’s regressive.

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At least we have strategic plans to fall back on. I don’t know why, but whenever I hear “moving forward” it makes me think of Voltaire’s Dr. Pangloss, who famously said: “All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.”

4. “Thank you.” Have you noticed that TV and radio anchors always thank the reporters in the field at the end of their dispatches? If I were one of those reporters, I’d be thinking to myself: “Who are you to be thanking me? This news gathering we do is a group enterprise. By thanking me, you make it sound like it belongs more to you, the copy reader, than to me, the reporter. How presumptuous of you! Have a nice day!”

The problem with “thank you” is that it is overused to the point that it’s losing any meaning. It’s not at all uncommon for the rejoinder to “Thank you” to be ... another “Thank you”! Thanks for the thanks, in other words. Whatever happened to “You’re welcome”? Then there are those signs that say, “Thank you for not smoking.” What that really means is, “Please don’t smoke.”

That’s not the only case in which “please” and “thank you” are confused with each other. (Who’s to blame for this? “Sesame Street?”) “Thank you” really should be an expression of gratitude, but often it’s just a “gimme” in disguise, as in, “Thank you for your support,” when that’s said to someone who hasn’t yet provided the solicited donation.

Then there’s “thank you” in the workplace, which is heard much more frequently these days, I think, than it was a generation or two ago. Is that because there’s more gratitude afloat on the shop floor now? Not necessarily. More likely it’s because “thank you” has become an implicit tag of status. Who’s doing all the thanking in the office? Almost always, it’s a supervisor thanking a subordinate ... seldom the other way around. Saying “thank you” is a soft way of saying, “I’m the boss. I’m more responsible for this company than you are, and that’s why I’m in a position to do the thanking.”

We newspaper reporters don’t have deal with patronizing anchors, but we do occasionally have to endure “thank yous” from news sources — the people we write about. These “thank yous” make me rather uncomfortable, and here’s why:

I’m happy to be thanked for doing somebody a favor, or for going above and beyond to help somebody out. But that’s not what I’m doing when I write a newspaper article. I’m writing the article because it’s thought to be newsworthy and of public interest, or because I’ve been assigned to write it. I’m not doing it as a favor, but because it’s my job, for which I’m paid. Call me a curmudgeon, but I don’t think it’s necessary to thank people for simply doing their jobs. The ones who really deserve thanks are the volunteers and the unpaid interns.

On the other hand, reading a newspaper story is a voluntary act, so I’ll grudgingly admit that it might be appropriate for me to thank you, on behalf of my bosses, for reading this one.